64 Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me About Grief

We think about grief a lot around here – we write about types of grief, grief theory, personal reflections, creative expression for coping with grief, practical ideas for managing grief, and on and on and on.  But there are some days that all seems like a lot to take in.  We think back to the basics.  Not the theory stuff, not the ideas about how to cope — just the really basic things that people never tell you about grief.  

So, with your help, that is what we have today — a quick and dirty list of the things we wish we had known about grief before we knew anything about grief.  If it’s in quotes, it is something one of our fabulous readers shared with us on Twitter or Facebook.  If you finish this post and you’re annoyed about all the things we forgot, leave a comment to keep the list going.

I wish someone had told me . . .

1.No matter how prepared you think you are for a death, you can never be fully prepared for the loss and the grief.

2. You can plan for death, but death does not always comply with our wishes or plans.

3. “Stop avoiding and be present”.

4. “Dying is not like you see on TV or in the movies.  It is not peaceful or prepared.  You may not have a spiritual or meaningful moment . . . It’s too real”.

5. A hospital death is not always a bad death.

6. A home death/hospice death is not always a good death.

7. “There will be pressure from others to move on, even minutes or hours after a death, and this can lead to regrets”.

8. “Death is not an emergency – there is always time to step back and take a moment to say goodbye”

9. Death and grief make people uncomfortable, so be prepared for awkward encounters.

10. You will plan the funeral while in a haze.  If you aren’t happy with the funeral you had, have another memorial service later.

11. When people offer support, take them up on it.


12. People will bring you food because they don’t know what else to do.  Don’t feel bad throwing it away.

13. People will say stupid, hurtful things without even realizing it.

14. People will tell you things that aren’t true about your grief.

15. Death brings out the best and the worst in families, so be prepared.

16. There is no such thing as closure.

17. There is no timeline for grieving.  You can’t rush it.  You will grieve, in some form, forever.

18. “There will always be regrets.  No matter how much time you had, you’ll always want more”.

19. Guilt is a normal part of grief.

20. Anger is normal part of grief.

21. “The pain of a loss is a reflection of love, but you never regret loving as hard as you can”.

22. Grief can make you question your faith.

23. “Grief doesn’t come in 5 neat stages.  Grief is messy and confusing”.

24. Grief makes you feel like you are going crazy.


25. Grief can make you question your life, your purpose, and your goals.  And that isn’t always a bad thing.

26. We all grieve differently, which can create strain and confusion between family members and friends.

 27. “However badly you think it is going to hurt, it is going to be a million times worse”.

 28. You may find comfort in very unexpected places.

29. “You should go somewhere to debrief after caregiving”.

 30. “The last 24 hours of their lives will replay in your mind”.

31. Trying to protect children from death and the emotions of grief isn’t helpful.

32. “It’s sometimes necessary to seek out new ways to grieve on your own, find new guidance if the people who are supposed to be supportive simply haven’t learned how”.

33. “You grieve your past, present, and future with that person”.

34. Big life events and milestones will forever be bittersweet.


35. Grief triggers are everywhere – you will see things that remind you of your loved one all over the place, and it may lead to sudden outbursts of emotion.

36. “You lose yourself, your identity, meaning, purpose, values, your trust”.

37. Holidays, anniversaries, and birthdays will be hard forever.

38. People will tell you what you should and shouldn’t feel and how you should and shouldn’t grieve.  Ignore them.

39. “The grief process is about not only mourning the loss, but getting to know yourself as a different person”.

40. There is no normal when it comes to grieving.

41. Sometimes it gets worse before it gets better.

42. “It is normal to feel numb after it happens.  The tears will come. They come in waves”.

43. Grief can make you feel selfish and entitled, and that’s okay (at least for a while).

44. Meeting new people, who never knew the person who died, can be hard and sad.  But eventually it can be nice to “introduce” them through stories and photographs.

45. The practice of sending thank you notes after a funeral is a cruel and unusual tradition.

46.“People love to judge how you are doing.  Watch out for those people”.


47. You can’t compare grief or compare losses, though people will try.

48. Any loss you grieve is a valid loss, though people will sometimes make you feel otherwise.

49. “Just because you feel pretty good one day it doesn’t mean you are cured of your grief”.

50. There are many days when you will feel totally and completely alone, whether you are or not.

51. Grief can make you do stupid, crazy things.  They may be what you need at the time time, but you may regret them later.  Cut yourself some slack.

52. Grief can make you a stronger person than you were before.

53. Grief counseling doesn’t mean you’re crazy or weak.

54. It is okay to cry sometimes.

55. It is okay NOT to cry sometimes.

56. “Time does NOT heal all wounds”.

57. “Grief re-writes your address book”. Sometimes the people you think will be there for you are not.  People you never expect become your biggest supporters.


58. “You don’t get over it, you just get used to it”.

59. It is okay to tell people when they are not being helpful.

60. Watch your drinking– alcohol can quickly become an unhealthy friend.

61. You will have to face your emotions eventually – you can avoid them for a while, but they will catch up with you in the end.

62. Talking isn’t the only way to express and process emotions.

63. You will never go back to being your “old self”.  Grief changes you and you are never the same.

64. Nothing you do in the future will change your love for the person who died.  Eventually, you will begin to enjoy life again, date again, have another child, seek new experiences, or whatever.  None of these things will diminish your love for the person you lost.

What do you wish someone had told you about grief that we left off the list??  Leave a comment to keep the list going. 

August 16, 2019

791 responses on "64 Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me About Grief"

  1. I lost my mom-best friend in 2001 and my son 2018 and now my husband has stage 3 throat cancer I feel myself pushing away from him don’t get me wrong im there for him I just don’t show him the love I use to like I cant wait unti he fall asleep so I can relax why and how can I feel this way I love him I need to turn my feelings again .help

  2. I lost my mother 23 years ago, we fell out the year before as a family. My sister left it 2 days before contacting me that my mother was in intensive care on a ventilator. When I got there I was told me my mother had been asking for me and my sister knew that. I never got the chance to talk to my mother or say goodbye. It has haunted me every since. As for my father he treated the whole thing as a great piece of theater revealing in the attention the ‘glory of the bereaved husband’ all a lie. He couldn’t wait to get his hands on my mothers money and went on a massive spending spree. The funeral was awful and I vowed to walk away from my sister and father he died 20 years later alone. The thing I find so hard is letting go of the anger I still feel, how much it still hurts when I think of my mother. I barely cried when my father died I found out weeks after his death that he was dead. He got what he deserved and I think my sister will too as all her children have been rejected by her for various reasons. I think we all suffer because of what they did and I wonder if any of us will ever heal as a family. I am 64 now and just can’t let go of the pain and anger and just wish I knew how. There is so much resent in the family I wish I had a magic wand for all of them.

  3. i lost my bestfriend and boyfriend a month ago on the 15th. every single day is a different battle. he was 16, and i know people say that i dont know what love is but i did. i loved that kid with everything in me. everyone tells me that god has a plan for everything. i just think he was in the wrong car, with the wrong people, at the wrong time. because of one selfish person my whole heart was ripped away from me. i still text him and call his number almost forgetting. im ready to be okay. but i never will be okay again and i have to get past that.

  4. I wish I had read your article before my grandfather passed away. We were very close since my siblings and I grew up in our grandparents’ house and although we settled everything before his death, the part where you mentioned that one can never be really prepared for the loss and grief they’ll be experiencing is really true. We even joked about having his headstone custom-engraved, but the moment I see him in his casket really broke me. I hope our family recovers from our loss in due time.

  5. To all the people who shared their grief, I stand along side with you, as I also have lost a handful of loved ones in my life…to all the people who have shared their grief in relation to losses in their life, not one’s passing necessarily, but rather a broken relationship, etc, I commend you for being courageous enough to speak out…to all the other people whose comments were in annoyance about these losses, and said these people’s comments are not suitable for this forum, shame shame shame…who are you to determine wether a person’s loss, regardless of their situation, is suitable for this forum…these people were brave enough to share, and this might just be the forum where they might get helpful comments from others who may have been in the same situation…grief is grief, whether it is by way of a passing, or someone leaving a persons life, for whatever reason…it even stretches to the loss of a loved pet…I have experienced all three, and what I can tell you, that yes, whilst they are all different experiences of loss, they have all very much brought grief to my life…so to all you “Nancy’s” on this forum, if you don’t like some comments, simply go on to the next one, if you feel it is not suitable to be shared on this forum, be empathetic and keep your thoughts as just that, your thoughts…everyone has the right to share their grief, whatever their case, others also have the right to keep unkind, unnecessary, unhelpful and hurtful comments to themselves, feel free to exercise those rights, because you too, may find yourself in any one of the situations that have been discussed in this forum, and you too, may have people say hurtful things to you as well…be an encourager, a helpmate and a supporter, rather than poo pooing other’s comments, because hurt people, hurt people, don’t be the latter…

  6. I have lost a lot of dearly important people in my life. When I was a senior in high school I lost my 2.5 year old nephew. I had gone to funerals all of my life up until that point. But at that point it felt as if my heart had been ripped out and a hole was etched in my very soul. That was 38 years ago. Unfortunately, his sister was taken from us February 13, 2020. She was 36 years old. Healthy weight. Healthy eater. Educated. Wonderful wife and mother of 3. She had flu-like symptoms on a Friday. By the next Wednesday they were measuring brainwaves. She didn’t make it. I had just moved back home to Indy in 2017 because my Momma was suffering from stage 5 (or so) of Alzheimer’s. My niece had become more than my niece. She became my friend. We talked daily. We talked life, dreams, hopes, nutrition, “This Is Us!” I could not fathom that she was gone. Six days after her burial my Momma succumbed to Alzheimer’s. 2019 was not kind to us. The process of grief that is not often talked about is how painful it is that people compartmentalize their condolences/support. And how you deal with this.

    What I mean is that when my niece died she had a sizable group of friends because she was in a sorority. They were a large part of the funeral, helped plan memorial activities for her, etc. And they expended a great amount of energy consoling my sister. The problem is/was that my niece and my sister had a tense and contentious relationship. My sister and I were living together as she was helping me with our mother. However, my niece spent all of her time when she came over with me. When she died, I felt slighted. This made me angry. This didn’t help my sister’s and my relationship. She seemed to bask in the attention. And she needed it. I had to take a step back and it brought some clarity to how I offered support to others at such a time as death. My niece had a husband, children, cousins, aunts, uncles, friends. We all needed support.

    When my mother died just weeks later, I remembered how I felt when my niece died. I worked to ensure that there were little messages of “I’m more hurt” taking place. I was in charge of the obituary. I made sure that her children, grandchildren, and her great and great great grandchildren each had a page with pictures of them with Momma. I even had a picture of her with my cousin. When he saw it he was visibly moved! I refused to even get a courtesy car from the funeral home. I felt that the message sent was “I am grieving so much that I can’t even drive” and “the rest of ya’ll get to the funeral the best way you can!” This actually caused an argument between my sister and I. When I explained it to my nieces, they got it. They had just lost their grandmother. They were important, too. I explained how I felt after losing my niece and they got it even more. They had lost their cousin. Their friend.

    Bottomline: Grief is already a messy, complicated, fact of life. We don’t need to heap more mess and complication onto the living if we have the power to prevent it. I have talked to several of my niece’s sorority sisters about my feelings. They get it. We have smoothed things over and have moved on. When they show up to events to support my niece’s children, I make sure they meet her cousins and know that they were important to her. They know this. They have family. We just forget. I don’t ever want to forget. It has actually helped my healing….or my dealing.

  7. That sometimes you will feel that NO ONE understands. No one understand just how severe the loss is — Especially if you had a dual relationship with that person. My person served as my best friend/son/brother – all in one. So I feel NO ONE understands the gravity of my loss. No one understands that a part of me died too.

    • Donna, I am sorry for your loss and I understand how you feel. I lost my best friend and I feel the same. A part of me died with her too and nobody seems to understand how deeply it hurts.. Wish you all the best.

  8. I lost my partner, he was 39.heart attack.
    That was almost a year ago in march.
    Since then iv gone through every text book emotion. But recently, these last 3 months I’ve started buying lots of guinea pigs. Iv got 7 now and one is pregnant. Am i having a breakdown. Im detached from people, and am very antisocial.

  9. My grandma died Jan,27,19 and i miss her still to this and i regret a lot of things and i miss her,i miss the i love yous and hugs/kisses she was my grandma i just wish she was still here but i know she is in a better place at gods feet.

  10. I lost my husband 5 weeks ago. I don’t know how to answer people’s question “how are you doing?” I’m lying if I say “fine” and feel like I’m asking for sympathy if I say “I’m not okay.” I have cried every single day since he passed.

    • Lost my dad recently from cardiac arrest. Mum was at his side when he passed on. Spent 2 weeks home trying to be strong for mum through the wake, funeral, post-funeral. Back to work in another city 2 hours away. I have my crying episodes I don’t tell mum about. I wonder how she is coping. If she cries every night she isn’t telling anyone. We grieve so privately on our own but maybe it’s better to share.

  11. My son was killed 8 months ago. Every day is pain. He was 18 and at the start of his very beautiful life. His friends played a party game and tried to cover it up by saying he committed suicide. Every day I try to remember anything other than the screaming in the hospital, the day we removed him from life support, the holding him for the last time. If this is what it feels like to lose half my heart, who would want to live like this?

  12. It’s ok to be ok with their choice…when they decide that death is better than being in unresolved pain…when no matter how many times they tried to get help, to get well, to change, to not disappoint their loved ones…and they just couldn’t. It doesn’t mean we don’t love them, or that we love them less, or that their life, and death, didn’t matter, just because we are able to say, “I know you were tired of struggling. I know you were hurting and tired. I know you felt this was the best choice. I know you thought we would be ok if you did this.” Mind you, *others* will not be ok with you being ok about this. They won’t understand…how could you possibly accept this “choice?”

    Of course we wish it weren’t so. Of course we wish that just once, their efforts had ended in a Win for them…instead of a Loss for us. Of course we wonder “what if…” Of course we miss them, unbearably sometimes, and faintly in others, in those moments, all the moments, that remind us most of them. Sometimes we don’t need to ask why…because we already know. And that’s ok, too.

  13. Lost a loved one 6 1/2 months ago and l’ve been devastated since. Had a few good days but now it’s worse. Live in a crappy apartment. Put in my 30 day notice few days ago. Funny thing is I’m glad I’m getting out of here but have nowhere to go. But l hate where l live. Still grieving over my loss. Looking back on my life and realized l been through quite a bit. Issues from when l was little boy. Abuse. Suffer from self hate, I hate myself. I’m stupid, failed in school, jobs. I’m ugly. Afraid to talk to women because l fear rejection. So many things l hate about myself. Tired of being depressed, sad, angry and all. I wish l was dead. I’m a broken man. I wish l could go to sleep and never wake up. Best thing that can happen to me right now. If l was to go out and hit with a stray bullet i wouldn’t care. Don’t want sympathy, pity or nothing like that. People can be so cruel so why bother anyways. Only thing that hold me back from killing myself is wondering if where i go would be worse than where i’m at now. But I doubt if anything can be worse than where i’m at now being sad, dealing with the loss of my mother. People say you get over it, get through it but you never really do. I’m just tired of fighting, waking up everyday..I just wanna GO! I tried therapy and it doesn’t work for me. Happiness is a distant memory. The only bright light is death. I know death is forever, no coming back from it but we all gotta go eventually so why fight it

    • Your comments hit me hard. I feel your pain . I lost my son , he was 26 , he was my hope and my joy . As a mom , I want to tell you this ; she would want you to live and live fully ! The pain is always there , you can get through it . You are a person of value and in spite of all you said , you are worthwhile . Find a way deep inside you to go on for her , and take good care of yourself . You are loved and thought of .

    • Friend you don’t know me but I read ur remarks I’m sorry ur feeling so bad my dad died two weeks ago but I remember all the good memories I know it’s going to take some time pls hold on.

    • Hi James,
      I am so sorry for your loss and the profound sadness you are experiencing. I think you are worth it and beautiful inspite of all this suffering.. (I suffer greatly too). Sometimes you’re at the mercy of your own body, and it’s not quite yours.

  14. My grandad just died not even a dy ago. They forgot to mention (As a 13 year old girl whose vocabulary is 53% curse words) GRIEF IS A PAIN IN THE ASS, AND IT IS OKAY TO CRY AT NOTHING, BUT IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT UNLESS YOU HAVE KILLED THE PERSON, FEEL BETTER. I AM SENDING YOU ALL VIRTUAL HUGS.

  15. My best friend died in 2018 in a car accident. She was only 32 and had been my best friend for more than 20 years. I miss her every single day and I am sure time won`t make the pain go away. I obviously have good and bad days, but something has changed forever. It feels like a part of my heart is missing and I can feel the emptiness somehow even when I am “happy” or when I am supposed to be happy. I wish people could understand more how much the death of a best friend can hurt. I feel really lonely not just because I loved her deeply but also because she was that one person who supported me whenever I was in pain. .. It´s ironic that the only person that could help me to get through all this suffering is the one I can not reach now, no matter what I do. I know people always judge grief, but I feel like they understand more when you`ve lost a relative. A lost of a best friend is in some sort of limbo…It feels like the only person who could really understand the bond I had with my best friend is the friend who passed away. So, I find myself sometimes trying to justify my grief as if I didn`t have the right to suffer as much as her family, when I`ve loved her deeply since our childhood. It turns out grief is what it is: all feelings are okay and it`s unique for each person. People should stop being so judgmental and be more empathetic.

    • Joy… thank you for writing this, it’s resonated with me deeply. I’m grieving the loss of my best friend. He died almost a year ago and I couldn’t get time off work at the time because “he wasn’t a family member.” It felt like a punch in the face. I’m sorry for your loss… I’m hurting with you. My deepest condolences.

    • I feel the same. I’m hurting and the one person that I would talk to about it is gone

  16. My best friend died in 2018 in a car accident. She was only 32 and had been my best friend for more than 20 years. I miss her every single day and I am sure time won`t make the pain go away. You obviously have good and bad days, but something just changed forever. It feels like a part of my heart is missing and I can feel the emptiness somehow even when I are “happy” ou when I am supposed to be happy. I wish people could understand more how much the death a best friend can hurt. I feel really lonely not just because I loved her deeply but also because she was that one person who supported me whenever I was in pain. .. It´s ironic that the only person that could help me to get through all this suffering is the one I can not reach now, no matter what I do. I know people always judge grief, but I feel like they understand more when you`ve lost a relative. A lost of a best friend is in some sort of limbo…It feels like the only person who could really understand the bond you had with your best friend is the friend who passed away. So, I found myself sometimes trying to justify my grief all as if I didn`t have the right to suffer as much as her family, when I`ve loved her deeply since our childhood. It turns out grief is what it is: all feelings are okay and it`s unique of each person. People should stop being so judgmental and be more empathetic.

  17. I lost my beloved maternal grandmother about two months ago, yesterday it would have been her 91st birthday. I love her dearly, and I miss her so much every day, every little detail reminds me of her. It is all so much harder since I am far away from my country, studying abroad. In fact, the news of her passing got me here, and for me it was impossible to go to her funeral since it was quite unexpected. Needless to say I still feel guilty of not having been there, angry with myself for being so far away from her when her condition began to worsen. I have exams coming but some days are just plain dark for me as I feel like I no longer care about anything, I can’t really focus nor get good grades as I used to. On the bright side I guess I can count myself lucky since I have lovely parents; in addition, my mom and I share a very special connection and I know she is also very affected, since I am her only child and we are so far away. I know time will help but it is just so hard. I know what I feel is okay and I can cope with it so far but I can’t wait till the day I go back to be with my mom again and go through this pain together. Wishing you all the best while going through this process, I thank you for this space to at least vent out a bit of what I’m feeling. I apologize if something is not clear, as english is not my mother tongue.

  18. After losing two friends to a horrible murder while I was in high school I could not find my smile or my happy place again. I felt guilty. I wish someone would have told me that it was OK to be happy again. It was not a betrayal.

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  21. Grief is not a problem to be solved but an experience to be carried. Still today (20 months after the sudden death of my 57 year old husband due to a brain aneurysm) I cried and had a sad day. Some memories are triggers and loneliness and overthinking still make me sad even though I’m very happy with a new love in my life. I will always grieve the loss of my husband and I will continue to have some sad days but I am happy in love again and I know that would make my late husband very happy too.

    • Karen, thank you for your post. I find it encouraging to know that you have found a new love in your life. I lost my wife of 29 years, 7 months in November 2019. It was sudden and unexpected. I went from a spoiled man living the life of my dreams with a woman I called ‘baby’ or ‘princess’ to being a widower in the blink of an eye. I see a grief counselor weekly and have gone through some great exercises that help me process my grief, but of course none of this brings her back. I still get lumps in my throat or feel overwhelmed when it strikes me that she’s gone. I feel like my life is over and I just turned 52. I can’t imagine that I could have another 30 years of life and none of it is with her. I read a quote the other day that I find so true and heart wrenching: “I will love you for the rest of my life, and you won’t be here for any of it.” I hope one day I can find love again and live in a way that I’m happy and honoring her memory…but right now I feel like I will never be happy again.

  22. i wish more people understood that grief is not just for those who have lost someone due to a death. The permanent loss of significant other due to infidelity is also a form of “death”. October 30th, 2018 I found out my husband of 30 years had been carrying on with another woman. Within a week I decided I would never be able to trust him again and another week later I put him out. November 15th, 2018 is the last time I saw him or heard his voice. It is like he died. 30 years of my life – over in an instant. The pain and grief I have suffered since then is still almost unbearable. In this instance you add the feeling of betrayal on top of grief. It never ends. Triggers everywhere. I’ve stopped talking about it with friends and family because they really just don’t understand. I’ll be 50 next Spring. I know that that part of my life is done – romantic love, intimacy, having someone that I trust implicitly. My time with those things is over. Now it’s a matter of constructing what it is that my new “solo” life is going to be. It’s not easy.

    • Oh, please. No , Heidi. This is about grief after a death – clearly. If you want to talk about grief after a betrayal I’m sure there are boards for that. SMH

    • I’m so sorry, Heidi. Yes, it is a terrible grief to lose your spouse. It must have all been such a shock. I feel for you. I know it’s hard to believe now, but this will get easier. You will find joy in life again. Please consider getting some grief counseling. A big hug for you!

    • Yes! My grief is for my first granddaughter who decided that she wants to be a boy not because she has always felt as if she was born in the wrong body but because it is a brave and admirable and supportive thing to do and will be an awesome example for all those struggling with these issues who don’t have the courage to do this not to mention it’s easier to be a man. I’m devastated and it’s been 2 years into the hormone shots and with the crew haircut, the facial hair, the voice change, the piercings, tattoos, and breast binding underneath the complete male wardrobe, I grief at the loss of my beautiful granddaughter that I was so close to. And for all those who will say she’s still alive, DON’T! I’ve heard it all before and she’s not this person resembles nothing of my granddaughter except teeth, not hair, looks, smile, smell, personality, not even her activities are the same and her sarcasm was not part of her old personality, she’s taken up smoking, and drinking, my heart is shattered and its pain is indescribable!

    • Heidi – I know exactly where you are coming from. I not only lost my father but my husband of 20 plus years was involved with other women. I am grieving the loss of a parent, trusting husband and a friend. I don’t know where to turn but I do know that I will eventually be ok and able to cope. I do know that you can have another love. It will be different and hard because you will be shielding you heart. We have to learn to love again!

  23. My former fiance passed away in Feb after 6 years battling a very aggressive autoimmune disease. We got engaged two years prior to his original diagnosis. I was his full time care-giver for three years and it nearly broke me in every way. He was my best friend and he was so supportive of me and my mental health issues that worsened during this time when he got worse. We mutually agreed on a care facility for him, which gave him so much freedom and the best care. We also separated three years before his passing as I wasn’t well mentally, and he supported me doing what I had to do to be better again. This required me moving back over seas to live with my parents. Throughout all that, up until his, some what unexpected passing, we were still very close. Talking every weekend, video chatting. He was so positive and funny, despite the pain he was in and the loss of everything he loved around him that he could no longer do. It was his birthday yesterday, and it’s been so hard, the first holiday season without him. Seeing things in the stores he would have loved, movies he won’t get to enjoy, funny things he would have laughed his head off over. He was my biggest fan honestly, even after we separated. I still love him dearly. I’m in a new relationship, but I feel so guilty in my grief at times, as though, I’m being unfaithful by grieving his loss. He was supportive of this but my love for him is different than it is for my current partner. I never got to attend his funeral, being overseas, and him not technically being mt fiance anymore for a few years now, it wasn’t possible. I’m attending a one year memorial in Feb for him, when his ashes will be scattered. I feel guilty though and hoping as the years pass, this won’t be so hard to get through as it is this year. Though reading through some of the posts on others grief, does help a little to feel not so alone in how debilitating the grief feels at times.

  24. I lost my husband in an accident one month ago tomorrow, a week before I found out that my dad has cancer again and a year before that my husband lost his best friend, his dad, from a heart attack. I have the most amazing support system taking care of me but it doesn’t stop the empty feeling from being there. I was 16 when my dad had cancer the first time and I shoved every emotion I had into a box because I figured if I did that it would all be okay, he got through it, a different man, but he got through it. I realized later that by shoving my emotions away that it made me into an angry version of myself. When I met my husband I eventually shared those emotions with him in a burst of emotion, it had come back to bite me in the a$$ but he listened and helped me be more honest with myself. I told myself after his accident that I can’t do that again, even though the circumstances are slightly different then last time, not allowing myself to be honest with my emotions doesn’t make me stronger, it would make me weaker and with my dads diagnosis still looming I still have to find a way to grieve while still being there for him(in some ways this is what is stopping me from running because a large part of me just wants to escape to another country for a while).
    I have experienced a lot from this list so far and i’m sure more will come soon, i’ll probably forget what I told myself at some point too. Today, I broke down because I couldn’t tell my husband some news that he would have found interesting and it took me while to get any bearings back, I tried not to cry at first but it ended up making me almost have a panic attack by doing so, so I just let the tears come. I have found though that being honest about my emotions when people ask me has helped, it hurts, it all hurts but don’t shove the emotions you feel into a pit just because you think someone else might feel uncomfortable or it makes you look weak, it won’t benefit you, you will still feel those emotions regardless.

  25. I lost my beautiful mum 4 days ago, the pain is the most violent aggressive pain I have ever felt in ny life. I know shes gone but I also keep thinking she will walk back in the room.
    This pain is indescribable the bottom has fallen from my world and I simply dont know how to be, How do I live a life without the most precious person living it with me.
    I need her so bad right now, I feel like I’m going insane, I want my head to stop, my thoughts to rest and my pounding heart to slow, and this gut wrenching stomach pains to disappear. The one person who could soothe me has gone, I will never be the same person again, my heart has died I’ve lost the biggest part of me, and I know I will ever find it.
    The only thing keeping me going right now is my family, who are all feeling the same.pain, I want to be unconscious so I dont have to feel this horrendous torturous pain, I feel guilty, lost, alone, and really vulnerable.
    The love I received from my precious mother is a love I will never feel again, she was amazing, and the love was so strong, so powerful it’s been ripped from my world. And my world has ripped through me.

    • Hi Victoria,
      My mom passed away Dec 2018. I felt almost insulted that the world just kept going, no change after losing my beloved mom. The only way I could describe losing her was like I had suddenly stepped into an alternate reality, another universe where she was no longer present on Earth, a fairytale of a beautiful spirit suddenly coming to an end.
      Today I still cry tears for her, missing her, but it isn’t as frequent. And I can finally say that although I will always miss her, I am going to be okay. I don’t know if this helps Victoria, but I hope it does.

    • Victoria, your words are so very true. Word for word how I feel inside. I lost my Mom suddenly & there is no greater pain. I feel lost. Wondering how life will go on. I pretend like she’s gone away on a trip but will be home soon. Seems like the only way to get through to another day. This loss is so big and hurts beyond measure. As the New Year approaches, I feel worse. She won’t be here, in this New Year. No new memories, nothing. I know she wouldn’t want me to be this way. Our Moms loved us unconditionally. Deeper than any live we’ll ever know. My family is what keeps me going. I want my kids to feel that love come through me. Thinking of you, thank you for sharing your story.

    • I am SO sorry, sweetheart, and understand and empathize completely. My heart is with you and I mean it.

    • My heart goes out to you. Your words resonate with me so closely I feel like I wrote them. The pain is extremely devastating to say the least. It has been 2 years since my mom’s passing & it STILL hurts me deeply daily. We were so close & I ‘m an only child without any grandparents. Not being able to pick up the phone to call her & hear her voice answer on the other end is just gut wrenching . Sometimes it feels like a terrible nightmare I can’t wake up from. I have begged God to help ease the pain & he has given me strength but I still struggle. I miss EVERYTHING about my mom & I’d do anything to hug her and hear her voice again. I pray that everyone in this thread of comments can find peace & comfort at some point and try to just hang on to those beautiful memories b/c grief will drive you crazy if you let it. Take time to cry whenever you need to. Just let those tears flow. It makes you feel a little better & releases some of that built up sadness in your heart. Holding my grief in literally makes my chest tighten up & gives me anxiety. Don’t let your grief make you ill. Stay away from negative people & enjoy peaceful nature or whatever bring you joy.

  26. One month 4 days – time passes since my Mum died. Yet, I remain transfixed unable to recognize time in the usual way. I hanged up a clock in the kitchen, just to remind myself to listen and hear time passing. Tick tick tick. Now, periodically awakening to notice a day or week has passed. No longer caring. Hollow. Living but less alive. Some nights my entire being is the sum of these unending tears. The first few weeks a state of emotional and surreal physical shock. It reminded me of the adrenaline rush I had during a bad car accident as the car rolled over me in slow motion. Time now lived in slow motion. I lost part of my own identity along with her. I will never again be the child of another mother. Missing her humour and gentle chiding. Missing her tenderness and grace. Grief a cannon ball in the gut. No, nothing will ever be the same again. I get it, okay, I get it. Grief is clearly a transition, but to what?

    • I lost my mom 16 days ago and the emotions you are describing sound so familiar. I feel lost, not sure where to turn. I find myself reading a story or hearing a bit of family news and immediately want to call and tell her only to remember I can’t anymore. Friends and family tell me it will get easier and to remember she loved me and would want me to be happy. I know they are right as that is what I would want my own son to do if I was the one who had passed away but at this moment it seems almost impossible.

  27. My lovely husband died two weeks ago. I’m lost. We only had each other, we only loved each other. Kind people are checking in with me and I appreciate it so much, but they are strangers. Everybody is a stranger to me. I wish I had opened up my world more to other people, but I do not find it easy. I don’t trust people and I don’t think I am ‘normal’ in social situations. I always feel regret after sharing to much about myself with people I might see again. I can talk about anything with strangers, hence me sitting here after midnight. It hurts so much. I don’t know who I am without him.

  28. Best thing someone said to me after my parents died….
    However you are feeling.. it’s ok, because its how you feel. It cant be wrong.

  29. I lost my wife about 3 months ago in July, as she lost her 3rd battle against breast cancer. I can relate to every single point of this post, I know my grief journey just began and it seems overwhelming at times, I went to grief counselling , and some of the advices are in the post, but still it doesn’t take away the pain, the loss, the grief…

  30. Put to sleep my one true friend yesterday. The guilt is horrible. I hurt all over. He was perfect. Best dog ever. Never knew something could hurt so much. Lost both my parents and my sister when she was 26. But nothing compares to this.

    • Derek, you did the best you could… I feel your pain–lost my fur baby over a year ago and I still grieve… she was the only “person” in my life that offered unconditional love, no judgment or commentary, just a perk of the ears, wag of the tail or nuzzle in the hand… hang in there…

  31. My boyfriend passed away last month in his sleep unexpectedly (it was something medical). I grapple a lot with disbelief…I don’t believe that he’s truly gone. But the biggest thing is that I have just never felt so alone before. And I’m not alone, I’m surrounded by family and loved ones who want to support me (his family and mine). I’ve had so many friends reach out and I am so thankful for that support, but I still feel so alone. Also, time hasn’t passed for me (it’s like I’m stuck, walking through glue). And things happen, and people’s lives go on, but I feel like mine has been stuck on that same day. And I’ve never wanted something (or someone) so much in my life. I would do anything just to have him back for one day, even – to speak to him and tell him how much I love him and to ask if he’s okay…I’m just so lost. And the person I would talk about all of this with is him – he knew me better than anyone. I have a hard time showing my emotions to people, but he always knew how I was feeling. I just feel so alone. Trying to get back into school (I’m in a Masters program) and working full time has been so challenging, because I don’t really see the point in doing anything and yet I know he was so proud of me for going back to school (but I’ve also been so focused on school lately, we haven’t been spending as much time together and I resent that school made me so preoccupied).

    • I’m so sorry, Mal. I feel so alone too–and I lost my cousin, who was more like a little sister, that I grew up with. I think we feel alone, despite having other people around us, perhaps because we’ve been left alone in this relationship we had, and we’re in no way ready to leave it. This list was pretty helpful, especially the part to go easy on yourself, and that there’s no one way that is correct. Take your time and take care of yourself.

  32. i broke up with my boyfriend 2days ago and am missing him already how can i get him back post comment october 30 2019

  33. I lost my dad last year unexpectedly and it’s been tough. He was my best friend, someone who was always there & had the greatest heart. I think about him all the time, talk to him on my way to work & pray for him at night. His death brought my sister and I closer. We talk everyday and always laugh at the sweet memories we had with him. I catch myself crying everyday or just feel so sad because I feel guilty that he isn’t here to get to do stuff with us anymore. This feeling sucks. My heart always feels heavy.

    • Hey Melly, I was just reading this article and saw your comment. My father also passed away a year ago in August 2018, unexpectedly and sudden, a jet boat accident. And he was my hero and everything I wanted to be when i grew up and I saw him kinda immortal like a superhero. When he passed it was left with just my sister and I. We are closer now as well. I just thought I was crazy how similar our stories were. Thought I should reach out because it’s the middle of the day and I was googling “how to get over the death of a loved one” as well

    • After reading your comment about your father passing, I felt like I had written the words myself. My father died suddenly and we are all still in shock. He was warm, kind, funny, and very comforting. I still send him voicemails and listen to his voicemails to help remember his sweet nature. He always left me songs or bible verses. I have never felt so alone now that he is gone and being in the car makes me sad because I cant call and chat with him. Everything I do seems blank now that he has gone. My sister and I have become much closer trying to cope with his death, and the upcoming holidays seem daunting.

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  35. I lost my husband18 months ago and I felt most all of these things listed. I was helped by a few friends, my own family after first losing dad and brother 9 yrs ago 2 months apart, 2010 and 2011. Then my mother-in-law Jan 2016. Then my husband Jan 2018. Then my close sister’s husband Sept 2018. Sigh. I leaned heavily on God, church and grief books. I got the courage to go to a Christian Dating Website this week, Sept 16-20, 2019 and it was hilarious. Fake Christians that partially drink, smoke, scam, etc. But one guy who said he was widowed before I deleted my account said something that stuck with me…..”I lost my wife 8 years ago and that is in the past, I leave the past in the past. I have to start over a new life. She is in Heaven but I must continue to live.” It made me fully realize how I fought to hold onto the memories and the past that will do nothing for me in terms of continuing on in this very alive world. I have moved miraculously into another clarified dimension somehow. Wow. Thank God for Jesus!

  36. It’s great that you are getting ideas from this paragraph as well
    as from our argument made at this place.

  37. I wish someone would have told me before I lost my husband that it would be like living someone else’s life afterward. I don’t feel like my old self, and I don’t know who my new self is yet. It takes three times longer to finish anything I start than it used to, and only God can fill the emptiness left where my Jim used to be. I wish someone had told me I would want to go out in the woods and scream everyday just to voice my grief in all its intensity.

    • Doctor. I am so sorry for your loss.. I am crying over my brother’s grave now.
      Soon. I will join him!

    • I agree with everything you said. I lost my husband of 30 years 2 months ago and l feel totally lost. I too want to scream It was a long illness and I was the primary caretaker. I was his cheerleader and advocate. He was on the transplant list and I was so sure he would get the lifesaving organ, which never happened. To say I am devastated is quite an understatment

  38. I lost my son 5 weeks and 3 days ago. I stay alone and cry. I just want my 45 year old baby back so much.. My doctor told me I could – drag!!- this out as long as I want or get over it.. One day, someone called and asked for him. I explained what happened. He said sorry, but have a great day!!!. So, other people after about a week go away and are uncomfortable to be around you. I feel almost embarrassed to be upset around people. They just don’t get how horrible losing a child can be, regardless of their age. There is no way to comprehend unless you go through it.

    • Hi Donna. I lost my stepson last week. His name is Daniel. 26 yeara old. I am still not really accepting it. I am sorry about your son. Also sorry about your terrible Dr., and others in your life who are not evolved enough to understand. This is so hard. I know it will only get worse for us. You are right, not possible to understand if you have not been here. I wish you and I did not understand.

  39. Took me 16 years to get to numbers 36 and 63.

    • Can I ask why it took so long and how did you finally over come it? I’m going on about 2.5 years after loosing the love of my life at the age of 28. I’m 31 now and have no idea how to start over. The numbers 36 and 63 are the ones that I am struggling with most. Any words are so greatly appreciated. Thank you!

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  41. After I originally commented I appear to have clicked the -Notify me when new comments are added- checkbox and
    now each time a comment is added I get four emails with the exact same comment.
    Is there a way you are able to remove me from that service?
    Many thanks!

  42. I have lost my two sons….one 16 years ago at age 23, and my younger son 2 years ago at age 33 (he turned 33 while in the hospital). I was “lucky” in that my best friend lost her only son at age 13, several years before my oldest died. She helped prepare me for all the feelings and emotions, the craziness and roller coaster ride of grief. And I found an online grief group that truly has helped keep me alive. When my youngest son died, I thought “how pitiful, I am somewhat prepared for this. I know what to expect.” I was wrong in some respects. You NEVER think you will lose a child, and you MOST CERTAINLY NEVER think you will lose two! I am so numb, still, and have trouble truly grieving. I go about my days as though I am one tough cookie, but my nights are truly a nightmare. And I drink too much to ward off the nightmares. I so don’t want to ride that roller coaster again….but thank God I have my church (which I discovered right before losing my second son….God knew I would need my church family), and I have a wonderful therapist. So hopefully there is hope for me!

  43. Hi Dear, are you really visiting this website regularly,
    if so afterward you will definitely get pleasant knowledge.

  44. This response is overwhelming. So many people in so much pain over the loss of a loved one. This platform helps so much to share with others who feel the same way they do, I really appreciate the opportunity to tell my story, my only son took his life, and I just didn’t know how to deal with it at all. I have cried, screamed, yelled, and begged him to come back, so I wrote him a poem and when I get so crazy with grief, I read this poem to myself. I would like to share it with you, maybe you could write one to your loved ones. Here goes,,,,,,,,

    “What do we do now, that our friends are all gone, and we are left here all alone;
    To face this life without you here, But in our hearts, you are always near;
    We miss you so much we can hardly breathe, and hard to think you had to leave;
    Our thoughts are always running wild, some are raging and sone are mild;
    But mostly when we sit and sigh, we think of you and start to cry;
    You left us in a very bad way, your pain was so great You couldn’t stay ;
    When we laugh we feel it’s wrong, when we then realize you are gone;
    We lost a son and a brother, and their will never be another;
    We both understand and very much care, your pain, was to hard to bear;
    Bunt now you’ve ran your race in life, no more pain stress or strife;
    We will love you till’ the end of time, and even tho you left us behind;
    We’ll catch up with you someday, and together we will always stay
    Until we meet again, I love you my precious son”

    • I too lost my only son; he was 16, he too took his own life July 6, 2017. Your poem touched me emencely. These words are exactly how I feel. Beautifully said.

      • Oh God, if only this site existed 6 years ago when I lost my only son/child because he was struck by a speeding car with ice on the windshield so he had NO VISIBILITY! I tried a grief support group once 2 months after it happened. I was hysterical because I was picking up everyone else’s vibe. Never went back. I felt like someone cut the top of my head off and scooped out half of my brain. I just recently started to get brief glimpses of Hope and light by reading Laura Lynne Jackson’s books on signs they send us from the other side to let us know that they are OK. I thought, “oh well, this is sweet, but hokey.” Another failed attempt to feel ANYTHING that might make me excited about my life again. But GUESS WHAT? I made myself pay attention. I prayed to my spirits to send me signs and I promised to TRY to play this game! It happened over and over so much so I thought I was really creeping over the edge this time. My heart and soul and head were suddenly synced. I felt manic! I didn’t know what to do with all my new found energy. My husband found a way to squelch my joy, so I just went back to “Down Town”. I fought it though and slowly but surely I am doing exactly what I was doing, reading the same kind of books and crying out my requests for signs to the Universe and I am getting so many answers! Thanks for letting me ramble. That’s what happens when you “check out” for 6 years of your life! Try anything to come back to the surface if even it is a temporary respite. I don’t know if this will last but it sure is fun! God bless you people for starting this site!! I will definitely be back.

  45. I wish someone had told me that I would lay in bed for years as life passed me by and ever so slowly die of a broken soul that no one can see. That my only friends would be my two cats and whatever movie I can get lost in…….because if they had, I could have prevented it .

    • You said it precisely. I am the living dead and i cant go on. There is no on here. I have a gun and will use it. I wosh someone would have killed me young. Before i thought my life would be good, loved and joyful. Not!!! I wish i would have died young before everything went to hell.

  46. My baby girl was born with Pulmonary Hypertension and we were told when she was one years old she wouldn’t make it to be five and see kinder. She fought and made it to 13 years and 8 days she passed April 28th 2019.
    I was warned of many things but not the physical pain, the deep pain in my chest along with the heavy weight on my shoulders and chest. Or the fact I would shut down. I DONT KNOW WHERE I WAS. I hear stories of me sitting and shaking uncontrollably and sometimes I will still be sitting and the sam memory that made me smile earlier that week makes me weep.
    I also gained knowledge of compound grief as we lost my father figure March 15th 2019. They believe this is what lead to my shut down. This list reconfirmed I needed to forgive myself… as I still have three baby girls to care for. And thank goodness they understood and forgave me for.being MIA.

    I would add that grief can physically shut you down.
    And you may come out blunt and no filter there after.
    My daughter has a page
    Lilly’s PHlight & hope 4 a cure

    Thank you for your time.

  47. I tried to read all the comments before adding this but there are just so many!
    Grief shows you that Life is not forever. Life ends. Celebrating what you HAD and what you HAVE are possible when you don’t focus on what you LOST.
    We are who we are because we loved our people in the time we HAD. I celebrate the Joy and Love of my husband, my parents, my sister and all my people who have died. And I celebrate where I am NOW with all those who still walk with me.❤️ I remember and smile when I remember the people who have died. ❤️

  48. This list is gold. I lost both parents in 2017, six weeks apart after being their caregiver for 15 years. I then lost my family home last year, the one I grew up in and lived in most of my life. I’m still not okay. I miss my parents so much but I miss my home even more. It was the last straw that broke me. It was my history, my memories, I was forced to leave and my life hasn’t been as good since. I am very alone now and scared for my future and all I can think of is how did this happen? Life is definitely not fair at all. I see A LOT A LOT A LOT of caregivers go through this and it’s maddening and upsetting. We are tossed in the wind after and there is no help for us. In fact all the help I was getting went away and I am struggling and can’t get it back. I was here for nothing more than to take care of them and I have no purpose now. My own health is suffering and my mental health is the worst it’s ever been. Most of my family is gone, I have some left and when they go then I’m really alone. Yes I’m seeing a therapist, it took me two years to find the right one. I tried grief groups they didn’t work out at all. Grief is messy is right. It almost killed me. And yes I have lost a lot of friends, I’m just not the same person and I can’t pretend for everyone. I feel like I will never really be out of this phase of my life, things are not turning around. I mean really tiny things here and there and I’m grateful. But I feel like I get hit by a train over and over and over. And so many others are going through the same thing. Caregivers don’t have rights, that’s what I have learned. We sacrifice our lives to be all to someone, or many someone’s. We do it out of love, I didn’t want anything out of it, just peace after they were gone. I didn’t get it. Especially after how my mom died. She was treated so badly at the hospital and then died in rehab because they ignored what was going on with her. We’ll never get over it. Anyway, thanks for listening. I see so many of you in pain. I’m so sorry for all of your losses. I agree with another poster and in fact I’ve decided there is no such thing as karma in this world. And not at all just talking about myself I have so many good friends suffering. This has all made me look at the big picture and there isn’t one. It’s a random soup of crap every day. Sometimes good, sometimes bad. And yes I’m angry and feel too many good people suffer. I can’t let it go, I breathe it every day.

    • “We do it out of love, I didn’t want anything out of it, just peace after they were gone. I didn’t get it.”

      So true. Same with me

  49. The physical effects of grief are unexpected and real. When my husband passed away deep horizontal ridges formed on all my finger and toe nails. Half my hair fell out and I was passing out for months. I was shocked at the thoughtless things people said. They weren’t meant to be mean, but it told me those people didn’t understand grief. I felt stifled because others didn’t Want to hear anything. And I had a need to talk about the most amazing man I ever met. Healing started at a Grief Share class where we were all encouraged to talk about our loved ones. Grief never ends, but is a testimony of the love shared in this life. It gets easier to bear, but there will always be moments when you are, once again, ambushed with this devastating loss.

  50. Here’s one: Plan the funeral arrangements that YOUR immediate family can handle emotionally NOT what everyone else wants. Wakes, and visitations and post funeral meals are not what my family wanted to do we didn’t. We went with a direct burial and committal ceremony and moved on together and processed our loss as a family, individually. We couldn’t handle being a grieving family on display in front of the extended family. Yes they meant well but traditions aren’t rules for living.

  51. #56 is spot on; TIME does not heal all wounds. What I tell people is, “The pain will never go away, but with TIME, it becomes much more manageable”. Thank you for this wonderful website I will share it with many. God Bless

  52. Grieving can make you less tolerant, perhaps less patient but ultimately more resilient. Always ask for help. Learn about who you are becoming through the rituals and processes you choses whilst coming to terms with the knowledge that your loved one will never walk through your front door.

  53. When i was in my 20’s my brother died. Everyone around my Mom and me kept telling ME to “be strong for your Mom… She just lost her Son” Inside i was screaming at them “You don’t understand!!!! I just lost my brother!!!” So the biggest thing you should add is this ..

    DO NOT tell other family members to “Be Strong” for someone.. This will hurt, it will serve to invalidate their own grief, it will cause feelings of guilt, and insecurity and it will also cause the person you are saying this to become withdrawn and stuff down their own emotions and grief. My Son just passed 10 days ago. I caught wind of someone telling my daughter to help support ME.. NONONO.. i posted on FB to NOT do this to her and why.. THIS is so important. Please allow ALL family and friends to grieve. we can all support each other as we able. Do not try to force anyone to support another. They may not be capable and you may be doing more harm than good.

    • Karin. Nice words. If God exists, why does he put us through so much misery?
      Things are not going well here. My mother flat out told me that she wished it
      was me who died instead of her FAVORITE son! Dad said to let it go. Mother
      was grieving! BS. She said it because she meant it. I now despise my mother.

      • I’m so sorry Richard. The remark your mother made is so wrong! I can’t imagine the deep pain it must cause on top of your loss. I send love and healing to you.

  54. After 1yr 7 mos of loosing my husband, I still cry daily, got to the grave for breakfast and chat and feel very alone even though I
    have grown children and grand-children. The pain gets better then it hits just as bad as it was when he first died. I don’t know
    when it will stop, but words from others do not help. The worst phrase from people ” Sorry for your trouble” even now!!!
    I am looking into a support group maybe but I don’t know if it will help? Good luck to everyone and God Bless

    • (((hugs))). You’re still in the early stages of grief. People just don’t know what to say so you just have to think to yourself that they tried, even though it was the wrong thing to say. My pet peeve is “you’re so strong”. Well, not really. We tend to wear a “mask” to hide our pain. Blessings….

    • It has been 2 years for me since my husband of 30 years passed away. I know what you mean, it comes flooding back after you think you have it handled. I learned to just let myself cry. I’ll be driving to work and just break out crying. It’s not a matter of being strong. You don’t get over it, you get through it. I’ve had to learn to be me instead of a wife, not easy, feel lost sometimes. But hang in there, take up a hobby. I’m painting the inside of my house. I’ve found God is a great comfort and I’ve starting praying for people that have a loss too.

      • It had been 6 years since my husband of 40 years died – woke up one morning and died from an anurism by the end of the day. He was healthy, fit and didn’t smoke or drink. I was in total shock for months and months – I totally pulled myself away from everyone – didn’t eat much, lost too much weight, didn’t drink much, just slept a lot. Even slept outside on the patio a few nights. I pushed everyone away except my 2 dogs who were my only responsibility and I did make sure they got fed and outside. When I look back, I’m both surprised and not surprised at my reactions. My husband and I did not have children – I was alone. I still feel alone, but the good memories I have now override the bad memories surrounding his death. I go day by day and try to enjoy as much as I can and try new activities and meet new people. In my opinion, surviving someones death is a horrible journey that you never truly stop having.

        • I would like to add to 64 things you never knew abot grief.
          It can make you feel like you can’t breathe or give you a tight achy pain near your heart. It can make you lose your appetite and have crying meltdowns on the one month anniversaries.
          The feeling of being alone is pretty bad when you lose your hudband that you loved with your whole heart and you still feel devastated after 4 months.
          You wonder how long it will take to feel somewhat like your old self. You feel like you need to start a new life and make new friends but you’re not ready to move on yet.

  55. You should add to the list: After the loss of both parents, the sibling that volunteers to execute the estate might have bad intentions. Call the Social Security Administration to see if their ssn # is still active after their death. Be glad if you are wrong about it.

  56. These words that people write will help I think. My Mom died in December, 2008, 11 years ago and I am struggling. Maybe I have complicated grief that I have read about. I have no children, no spouse, not in touch with family (one sibling left, much older, nieces, nephews) because after her death was very ugly. About 5 friends are very supportive but I cry all the time. Today I learned a friend my age will die soon from cancer. Every death I take so hard. I believe I may be an empath. It’s very hard to cope. I don’t know what to do. I need acceptance. Some days are better than others.

  57. I lost my Mum 6 months ago and people don’t seem to understand what a huge loss that is . If it’s your child or your partner they do but because your parents are supposed to go before you they think you should be ok. I’m not, she was my world and I’m devastated and just would like to join her. Grief is the last taboo.

    • People who support you the first few days will move on and you are left to continue grieving

    • I am so sorry for your loss. I read somewhere that the loss of a mother is the first sorrow wept without her. I lost my Mom almost 2 years ago and sometimes I miss her so much I can hardly breathe. She was my best friend. They say grief comes in waves and today was a tidal wave. Reminders are everywhere with Mothers Day approaching and that has been the most difficult day for me. I promise you it won’t always hurt this much
      I’m sure your Mom would want you to be happy. That’s what gets me through my most difficult days.
      I hope you have caring friends and family to get you through. My sincere condolences for your loss.

    • I sympathise with you completely. I lost my mother just over 6 months ago at the age of 97 & 4 months and I feel exactly the same as you do. Friends bothered at the beginning but now no one seems to phone. One or two do but that is all. And the bit about children and husbands is quite true. Mother’s are so important in your life and have been there all your life. My mother was in a home for just over a year and was very happy there, well looked after. She was my life, I used to go in twice a week to see her. Managed to tell her I loved her 2 days before she died & she said she did too. I have a partner and we are going to Greece next month. Hoping that will help. No I understand exactly how you feel. I live in Hove in the UK.

      Please have my e mail address: [email protected]

      Best wishes, Claire

    • Melissa… I feel the deep pain! The children and partner part is true… people expect parents to go before us.. but they don’t understand the pain of losing mum… I lost my mum 9 mth ago on 2 Jan. she is only 62 and been healthy and fit.. died of annurisym.. so sudden..I just wish I had gone with her… she’s always been my best friend.. I think how much the pain it brings depending on how much they have enriched your life!! I’m very close with mum… and she’s given me all the love she can.. which i will not get from anyone else in this world ever! Not even from dad, not from your partner or kids ( I don’t have spouse or kids) but I’m sure that’s the case…
      If you feel like talking to your own feeling .. feel free to email me for a chat!! [email protected]

  58. My 17 year old daughter and her boyfriend lost their newborn daughter on April 11, 2019.

    My first Grandchild, Evalyn, was in distress and delivered by emergency c-section within 10 minutes of getting my daughter to the hospital. Evalyn only lived for four hours.

    I think what has helped the young parents the most is knowing Evalyn was going to help others have a chance at life by donating her organs. She was a beautiful baby; looked just like her Mom and me. She was perfect.

    Oh the things I would have done for my sweet granddaughter. 💔

  59. Grief is absolute and awful. I lost the love of my life 4 weeks ago. I am devastated

    • Susan,
      I lost my beloved husband on April 25, 2019.
      The pain is unbelievable.It is the deepest and most difficult pain I have ever experienced.
      I am sorry for both our losses, and I am grieving with you.

    • I lost my husband very suddenly and unexpectedly at the end of January this year. He simply went out and never came home again. Believe me, I know what you’re going through, he was the love of my life and my best friend.

      • I hate to say this, but torture is the word I would use to describe my grief. I lost the love of my life on April 10th o a horrific car crash through no fault of his own…..he was just trying to get to work.

  60. No one told me. That My 2 adult stepdaughters would plan an out of town birthday celebration for my husband 3 weeks after my mothers death. I would have thought that with them knowing I was the one who had to give final authority ” to make my mother comfortable” while I was 8 hours away driving to get to her knowing I couldnt say goodbye in person that they would understand I didn’t want to be without my husband at night. In appalled at their insensivity & I won’t feel bad for feeling that way.

  61. Grief is the necter that cleans your sins. So let grief come. Welcome it.accept it. It will not be pleasant but it will be enlightening.

  62. Thanks for making such a cool post which is really very well written. Will be referring a lot of friends about this. Keep blogging.

  63. You have a very inspiring way of exploring and sharing your thoughts. N doubt, info is original and very well structured. Keep it up.

  64. Thanks for this list. I haven’t read the comments but what I am realizing is grief can be physically exhausting. Lost both parents within a year. My mom was an unexpected loss. Dad had been sick. My mom passed first. I physically can’t do as much as I used to and I know it’s bevause I’m grieving even when I am not thinking about it. It’s like extra weight.

  65. My 24 year old son, Ashton, was shot and killed 4 months ago. September 29th, 2018. No arrests. When your child is murdered, it brings about extra questions. The Who, what, and why. Questions I may never have answers to. The anger is real. Grief is incremental. It’s doesn’t go away, it changes. I’m stuck in an anger root right now. Also, people don’t get that your child is literally in your mind, 24/7! Literally. You don’t want to talk about anything else. Or, you don’t want to talk at all. You become a completely different person. Phony…fake if you will. I’ve become a liar. I wear a mask. It gets tiring to answer people honestly when they’re stupid enough to ask, “how are you? Are you okay?” You want to scream at them with 4 letter words, HOW DO YOU THINK I AM? In the beginning, I explained over and over I’m hurt, I’m numb, I’m angry, I’m unpredictable…now, I just say I’m alright with a little sarcasm. And walk away. I wear a mask in public, cause I can’t cry at the mall for the rest of my life. Oh and…grief is my new normal. It’s who I am.

    • I am sorry this happened to you. If you need to cry in the mall then I say do it. You have every right to be angry. I have wore a mask out in public and it isn’t pleasant. If people don’t want to know how you are really feeling they shouldn’t ask.

    • I am so very, very sorry for what you are going through in the tragic, violent loss of your son. I am going through a devastated loss as well, and yet I wish somebody would ask “how are you” to me. Nobody does. It’s as if nothing happened and I am supposed to just roll with the tide as if my world is not shattered and gone. How I wish just one person would acknowledge my loss by asking how I am doing. Maybe I wouldn’t feel so desperately alone and hopeless in this suffocating grief.

      • I’m so sorry that no-one has had the decency and compassion to ask how you are, unfortunately grief is a frightening thing for many people and they sometimes feel it’s better to say nothing than say the wrong thing. I wish you the strength and courage to bear it and to heal.

  66. The only 2 things i can think of to add to this list is that i wish i had ran across it or someone had sent it to me before my precious mama passed away Jan. 29 2018. The other thing I’d add is i wish my BFF had read it & had transformed into the human she had once been & been there for me when i realized 2 months after mom died that she was Really gone forever, that id Never see her again in my lifetime. I freaked out & when my now former bff ignored my calls & texts i finally admitted to myself what a narcisstic fair weather user she had slowly but surely became in the past 20 yrs

  67. During the last years I have lost my father and three brothers by suicide. The last one in June 2018. Life was hard for me and grief will never end I think. Now people are bullying me and say: When will you take your own life and continue your family’s Tradition. It is hard to stand against these people . But what is wrong with them to ask me questions like that?

    • The cruelty of some people these days doesn’t surprise me and I am sorry this happened to you.

    • I deeply feel for your losses. I recently lost a third brother whom I had know until last year for 41years of my life. My heart misses him. I lost two brothers to suicide years ago when we were teenagers and I grieve still the second one. Please reach out to support networks. These people who are bullying you are not worth it. They have their own insecurities and leave them to it. You are worth it. Every piece of you.

      It is hard sometimes- I get it. Know you are worth it. Peace

    • I am so sorry. People can be horrible. I will never understand people like that and what kind of moral compass they have. Your losses are immense and the last thing you need are people like that. I just wanted to say how sorry I am you have to go through all this.

    • Look behind the person saying these things to you, there is an enemy/force behind these people that wants to destroy you. once you realise the person in front of you is being used, you can forgive /stop blaming the person and stand stronger. Speak out against it and say it will not destroy you. the person being used may think you lost your marbles, but that is okay. You will let the enemy know you are not afraid and you will be stronger for it. Knowledge is power.

      Give yourself permission to feel what you are feeling and live it. grief is an emotion and if you may be happy, joyful etc, you may also be sad. Enjoy the moment like all other emotional moments. if you cry in a theater, people understand. They will have to learn to understand your grief. it is on them.

  68. Grief demands you take care of yourself

  69. Speaking as a clinical chaplain certified in death, dying and bereavement by the Association for Death Education and Counseling with 12 years of hospice experience (and having lost a child myself),while many of the points on this list were good, some were incorrect and downright irresponsible, and should never be included on a list like this.

    Some of these statements were made as if they were absolute truths, and it made me wonder if the person who wrote this list had any knowledge of contemporary grief theory and counseling. I would strongly urge you to rewrite the following statements. It can be as simple as inserting the words “sometimes” or “can be” or “for some people” so that you’re not making blanket statements as if they apply to everybody in every situation. For what it’s worth, here are my comments:

    “Holidays, anniversaries, and birthdays will be hard forever.”
    This is a terrible thing tell a grieving person. It is not an absolute truth, and is not true for all people. Some people are more resilient than others, and resilience is not a sign of denial or suppression of feelings. We can learn to make those events joyful, where we remember the loved one with fondness rather than despondence.

    “You lose yourself, your identity, meaning, purpose, values, your trust””
    Why is this stated as an absolute? While it certainly CAN be true, it is not true for all people in all situations. It depends on a variety of multiple factors surrounding the death, including the relationship to the deceased, the type of death, the presence (or lack) of social support, spiritual perspectives, and dozens of other factors.

    “However badly you think it is going to hurt, it is going to be a million times worse”
    Nobody with any knowledge or skill in grief support would make a statement like this. Again, it depends on all the factors listed above, and much more.

    “There is no normal when it comes to grieving.”
    Loss and grief are normal parts of human experience, and there IS a “normal” trajectory for healthy grieving. But some people develop “complicated grief,” which is unhealthy and can sometimes even be pathological.

    “Grief makes you feel like you are going crazy.”
    This may be true for some people, but not for others. Grief is a normal response to loss, and to teach people that it always makes you feel like you’re going crazy is just plain wrong.

    “Dying is not like you see on TV or in the movies. It is not peaceful or prepared.”
    This is an absurd statement. I have witnessed dozens of peaceful, prepared, beautiful deaths.

    I hope you will consider re-writing that list with the help of someone trained in grief counseling. It could be a valuable tool, but as it is now, I would never share it with my clients or students.

    • Thank you for your words of wisdom

    • You mention having “lost” a child, and using this word, lost, has some drawbacks, as it had for my mom when she was a child! She heard so many times her mother say she regretted to have “lost” her baby, and my mom as a child thought “why did not dad go and look for the lost baby as he knows the forest well?”
      She understood suddenly one day that this baby had died. She heard the expression when she knew that the person had died, and she understood.
      How many years of distrust, of being lost and nobody will care? I could see her fear with us, her children. She had the fear that we could fear to be abandoned!
      Please can you introduce in your work to use a proper word and be careful with children that get the direct meaning of a word. Fear of abandonment is known to be very deep, and it should not be associated with death!

      • “Losing” a child doesn’t always mean that the child died. As sorry as I am that your mom spent years fearing abandonment, the responsibility for her misunderstanding was her parents’, not the author’s. Children can be given up for adoption, taken by the state or kidnapped, addicted and out of touch, estranged for unknown reasons…”lost” has lots of meanings, not all of which equate to “death”.

    • I have been privileged to be with my parents when they passed. I also work with Hospice and have witnessed and heard many moving stories. I agree Terri, when I read this list, although there were some real good points, there were many that were worded poorly. Each person experiences death and grief in their own way. It is important however they find help through family, friends, church or support group. When reading this list, please remember this is one person’s perspective.

    • I think you just made a few statements that should not be on this list either. You may have seen many beautiful deaths, but that’s not the way it always goes. Death – dying – can be really hard and unpleasant. My husband was in hospice at home ( they didn’t do a great job, but that’s another story) and had a pretty “unpleasant” death. Not peaceful, not beautiful. And a few of my friends have also had non-peaceful, non beautiful deaths. Dying can be hard and can take a while, and just because someone is drugged out at the very end doesn’t mean it was peaceful. This is real.

    • Brooke Sydney-SmithMarch 14, 2019 at 8:13 pmReply

      You also can’t make the blanket statement that death is beautiful.
      When we watched my friend collapse and die at school (we were fourteen) it wasn’t beautiful.
      We watched her dead body come out and the paramedics doing CPR and we knew.
      The silence, the death. We were watching.

  70. Don’t compare your or others love for a person based on your/ their expression of grief

    It’s ok not to visit the memorial or grave. You will go when you are ready or you may never go the main thing is it’s ok you can remember in different ways.

  71. No one tells you that your siblings continue to live their lives and that you become the only one to care for your physical disabled mother.
    I dropped everything to care for my daddy when he was diagnosed with cancer. I took him to Every appointment, Chemo, Radiation every Specialist, every doctor.
    I always made sure he had whatever he needed, from meds to oxygen and everything in between.
    Kept charts of appointments, meds, breathing treatments. I wouldn’t give up 1 second of the time I had with him.
    He was my Rock, my Hero.
    I don’t know how it became my job but I’m so proud it did. Because I now know that no one else could’ve done it better.
    My mom couldn’t handle any of it.
    She said some things that just made me SMH…
    Like when he came home from the hospital with oxygen… she said “I don’t like that, you with oxygen….
    OMG that’s like saying “I don’t like you breathing!!!”
    She went with us once to his Chemo appointment and she says.. “I don’t like seeing all those sick people!!”
    Holy S#¡t my Daddy is one of those “Sick People ”
    You would think that with 55 years of MARRIAGE she would me more understanding??

    My Daddy and I have always been close.
    It has killed me, I have my own health issues and am so severely depressed that I struggle everyday just to get up…..
    I’m now taking care of my mom because I guess that’s my job now.
    I have 3 siblings but feel like an only child, I have no life of my own… No one tells you that your siblings expect you to be the sole caregiver of your parents!
    I feel like I’ve not been able to grieve because I been thrown into “my” next “job!”
    I love my mom dearly, but we butt heads about a lot of things.
    I’m used to living alone with my son but now we live with her (she can’t live alone with her physical limitations) so that has been a HUGE adjustment.
    I miss my daddy every single MOMENT!
    No one tells you that no matter how many days pass…. you’ll Never stop missing them.
    No one tells you that no matter how much time you’re together and things you did you wish you did more.
    The thing that people do say is, it gets better with time…… That is a lie.
    The only thing that does get better with time is that I know with every day that goes by…
    Is That I’m One Day Closer
    To Seeing HIM again!!
    In Heaven ❤❤❤

    • Laura, I cannot imagine your grief. I also would think the same things if my mother said some of those things, but outside the box I can see maybe her those were her attempts to cope to grieve the husband she once had. The older generation were not allowed or encouraged to express grief. So hopefully as youbcare forvher & allow yourself to grieve she will be able to do so. I pray for you to take time to find support & encouragement for yourself during this challenging time. God bless

    • Laura – i read your comments and so feel you – I did not catch your name until I read Beverly’s reply to you …. It caught me off guard as my name is Laura (as well). My daddy just passed away June 3 – it is actually officially six months and I feel so much of what you expressed – a few differences, the most important thing we share is that our daddy was our hero – he will always be too, know that!!! As hard as some days are for me and as much as I want to be with him, I have a husband and two kids and my dog… i so want to smile and enjoy life its just so tough without him. He was my go to person and now hes gone. I get in the car and call him and hes not there …. i don’t understand how people say it gets easier …. i don’t ever see how…this post is amazing – I cant believe comments go through 2013 – i hope to follow from now on. To anyone who is here – may g-d be with you. May you try not feel so alone and find peace in the relationship that has been lost in the presence of today – not in your heart … be kind to yourselves!!!

  72. When someone you love gets sicks and goes through the dying process, whatever relationship you had with them before the illness will continue through to their death. People who have a hard time expressing emotions, won’t suddenly be able to communicate deep emotions. People who do not know how to be affectionate, will not suddenly become affectionate. And that’s okay.

    • I don’t agree that sending thank you cards is a bad thing. I lost my 19 year old daughter and I thought writing out thank you cards helped me. It was kind of like journaling (which helps a lot too). Not only that but when someone gives you a small or large amount of money, I think it’s a good idea to thank them.acceptable

  73. You will grief ALONE

  74. Green & Super-green remeidies for grief:

    • Green and super-green remedies for grief:

    • Green & Super-Green Remedies for Grief
      August 5, 2018


      Terri Thomas

      God’s natural & supernatural gifts to the bereaved.

      God has provided so many gifts for us to help us as we navigate this journey through grief. Some of them occur naturally (green) and some of them are given to us supernaturally (super-green). I do believe that the super-green gifts are the most important. They enable the green gifts to work more effectively. The green gifts alone might not be sufficient to provide the healing and peace that we need.

      Some of GOD’S GREEN GIFTS


      I am so grateful for the love and support that we received! In our darkest hour, these people were truly the hands and feet of Christ that carried us when we couldn’t carry ourselves. To me this was by far the most important of the “Green Gifts,” especially in the immediate aftermath of Brett’s death. The prayers, meals, phone calls, texts, flowers, gifts, cards and letters, tears shed with us, time spent with us, etc. touched our hearts so deeply and left and indelible mark.

      2. PETS

      Every time we look at our pet with love our body reacts positively by producing chemicals that lift our spirits. When you do this many times throughout the day, it is a great natural help for our sadness.

      “We animal lovers have long known that, no matter what life may bring — sickness, sadness, or radiant health — pets make us feel better. Numerous studies have documented astonishingly wide-ranging effects. Cat owners enjoy a 30 percent reduction in heart attack risk. Watching swimming fish lowers blood pressure. Stroking a dog boosts the immune system. Now researchers can explain the source of our companion animals’ healing powers: Our pets profoundly change the biochemistry of our brains.”

      Read more here

      “Your dog offers unconditional love, companionship, and lots of fun. You have no doubt felt the joy of being greeted with a wagging tail, doggy kisses, and a loving nuzzle. The pleasure experienced with such a welcome definitely lifts your spirits. It also changes your body chemistry and greatly benefits your emotional and physical health by increasing your feel good hormones, serotonin and oxycotin.”

      Read more here

      Here is my little serotonin lifter – Teddy Thomas. He has been such a blessing to me. Every time I look at him I can feel my heart lift. I thank God for him every day!

      3. EXERCISE

      When you exercise, your body releases chemicals called endorphins. These endorphins interact with the receptors in your brain that reduce your perception of pain. Endorphins also trigger a positive feeling in the body, similar to that of morphine. Read more here

      4. CRY IT OUT (literally) – TEARS

      Emotional tears have special health benefits. Biochemist and “tear expert” Dr. William Frey at the Ramsey Medical Center in Minneapolis discovered that reflex tears are 98% water, whereas emotional tears also contain stress hormones which get excreted from the body through crying. After studying the composition of tears, Dr. Frey found that emotional tears shed these hormones and other toxins which accumulate during stress. Additional studies also suggest that crying stimulates the production of endorphins, our body’s natural pain killer and “feel-good” hormones.”

      Read more here


      My family and I have had to learn to live one day at a time, especially for the first two years, because that is all we could do. Thinking of never seeing Brett again in this life was more than we could bear. Each morning I would wake up and think, “I can get through today without Brett.” Thinking of the future without him, even only as far into it as the next day, was too hard. We learned that God’s grace and provision are always with us in the present moment. We don’t have the grace and strength for the future yet but we will when it gets here in real time. Now that it is almost three years later, I am able to think about the future without my son physically present in it without it causing me anxiety. Two years ago I could not do that. God has given me the grace to live in the present moment with joy & sorrow peacefully coexisting in my heart and, at the same time, with much hope for the future even though Brett will not be a part of it physically. I know that it is His desire is to do the same for everyone. Living in anticipatory anxiety about the difficulty entailed in carrying a particular cross is a recipe for depression and poor health – physically and psychologically.

      The image below lists some other green remedies for grief from St. Thomas Aquinas:

      What has helped you in your grief?


      These super-green gifts require supernatural Faith in order for them to release their healing effects in our soul. This kind of Faith is a gift given to us by God in Baptism but it is given to us in seed form. The other sacraments, especially the Eucharist, a life of prayer, reading scripture, obedience to God’s will, serving others, etc. all nurture the growth of Faith in our souls but there are many other gifts that nurture its growth as well.

      Our faith can be likened to a channel or a pipeline of God’s healing grace. It opens our souls to receive the fullness of God’s presence in our suffering and it elevates our suffering to a supernatural level; it allows God to bring a greater good out of it. This is what our loved ones who we are grieving over desire for us. They are cheering us on!

      (If your Faith is weak, ask God to increase your Faith. If you are a baptized Catholic but haven’t been to Mass for a while, seek reconciliation with God by going to the sacrament of Reconciliation. If you are not baptized, enter R.C.I.A at your local Catholic Church and receive the gift of Faith through Baptism. This will open the door to so much grace and healing in your life!)

      Some of the super-green gifts from Christ that I have found to be immensely helpful in the healing process are the Eucharist, Redemptive Suffering and the understanding of Purgatory. I have experienced miracles of healing in my broken heart through Christ’s presence through these channels of his grace that our beautiful Catholic Faith offers us.


      The strength of receiving the Risen Christ in Holy Communion is so amazing. Carrying our crosses is hard. We need him. In the Eucharist His strength begins where our natural ability ends and little by little he pours it into our hearts, minds and souls. You cannot always detect it sensibly but, like an antibiotic or a vitamin, you know from hindsight the effects. Not only that, our loved ones are at Mass with us every time we attend. We are worshiping God with them there. Our Mass on earth is a participation in the Heavenly liturgy. WOW! Have you heard of the phrase “I’ll see you in the Eucharist?”


      To me the waves of grief can wash over me like a tidal wave and it can literally feel like I am drowning and the water feels like the Dead Sea if I don’t know what to do with it. When I offer each wave of grief to the Lord as my sacrifice it changes it into Living Water because he takes each one I give him, unites it with his perfect sacrifice and uses it as a channel of grace for others. This increases the flow of grace into the world. He allows us to see some of what he uses it for here and now but most of what he does with our offering will be seen in heaven.

      It can be helpful to make a prayer list and as each wave comes, take out your list and pray “I offer this suffering for….” This is what we are doing at Mass – If you think about the words of the “morning offering” that we might have learned as children. We are at Mass to offer ourselves with Jesus to the Father for the salvation of the world and because we are members of His Body on earth (Cf. 1 Cor 12:12-31; Col 1:18; 2:18-20; Eph. 1:22-23; 3:19; 4:13) and he lives in us (Galatians 2:20), our offering has merit – eternal value. What a high calling we have! If all bereaved people knew this, what a difference it could make in finding meaning and a mission in their suffering!

      To learn more about how to make your whole day an offering for your loved one who has died go here

      3. PURGATORY

      The church teaches that unless a person has an “ST.” (as in Saint) in front of their name we cannot assume that they are already enjoying the Beatific Vision in heaven and because of that, we should continue to offer prayers and sacrifices (suffrages) for them to aid them in their journey to full union with God. There is a very real exchange of spiritual goods – they cannot help themselves but they can intercede for us and they will if we ask them. We pray and offer our good works for them and they intercede for us so the relationship continues even now but in a new way. We have experienced many blessings through my son’s intercession and I know I am helping him too. This is so good for a grieving heart! It gives us something concrete and effective to “do” with our grief. It is also a great incentive to grow in holiness because as we grow in holiness our prayers and works become more fruitful for our loved ones.


      Here is part of that:

      “257. One way of maintaining fellowship with our loved ones is to pray for them. The Bible tells us that “to pray for the dead” is “holy and pious” (2 Macc 12:44-45). “Our prayer for them is capable not only of helping them, but also of making their intercession for us effective”. The Book of Revelation portrays the martyrs interceding for those who suffer injustice on earth (cf. Rev 6:9-11), in solidarity with this world and its history. Some saints, before dying, consoled their loved ones by promising them that they would be near to help them. Saint Therese of Lisieux wished to continue doing good from heaven. Saint Dominic stated that “he would be more helpful after death… more powerful in obtaining graces”. These are truly “bonds of love”, because “the union of the wayfarers with the brethren who sleep in the Lord is in no way interrupted… [but] reinforced by an exchange of spiritual goods”.

      If we accept death, we can prepare ourselves for it. The way is to grow in our love for those who walk at our side, until that day when “death will be no more, mourning and crying and pain will be no more” (Rev 21:4). We will thus prepare ourselves to meet once more our loved ones who have died. Just as Jesus “gave back to his mother” (cf. Lk 7:15) her son who had died, so it will be with us. Let us not waste energy by dwelling on the distant past. The better we live on this earth, the greater the happiness we will be able to share with our loved ones in heaven. The more we are able to mature and develop in this world, the more gifts will we be able to bring to the heavenly banquet.”

      St. Thomas Aquinas teaches that even if our loved ones are already in heaven and we continue to pray and offer sacrifices for them, especially the Mass, their “accidental glory” (their intimacy with God and their intercessory power) increases because love (charity) is always creative and even in heaven we will be growing for all eternity.

  75. Thanks for the list, it’s very helpful, along with all the comments.

    Death is one of the only certainties in life but it still comes as a complete shock and feels unbearable.

    • Yes, thank you. My mom went (I can’t write the d-word yet) less than 24 hours ago. She was my best friend. I overheard my dad telling my niece that my two sisters will hurt but I will hurt more because of the bond we had. This felt strangely good—he gets it. I am worried because right now I just want to follow her out of this bleak life. Of course I can’t—that would wreck my friends and family.

      Anyway, it’s good to be on this site as I figure out how to deal with this feeling of hopelessness, fear and sadness.

      • I’m so sorry for your loss. I understand the feelings you described. Please find a trusted person and tell them exact what you’re feeling. Your life here matters. May you be comforted and know peace again. With a sincere heart, I wish the very best for you.

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  77. Every time someone you care about dies the grief from your past losses — even years later— will hit you afresh.

  78. After almost 20 years, I’m still pissed at my father for taking his own life.

  79. You can hurt people by sharing what’s too much for them. It’s been almost 20 years since I lost my son. I’m not “over it. There are still times when I reflexively share with someone who’s experienced a difficult loss. I think I should leave their door open to “get over it,” instead of telling them how I’m not. I think we all process and operate based on our own personal capacities. I was raised to share and support those around me, but I find it hard to find the line between sharing and protecting. The only solution I find is to keep that door closed. It’s very hard to close my heart to those around me.

  80. Keeping the memories alive makes you feel like you are keeping his love alive, too.

  81. after a few years, the person you lost will start to feel like a dream.

  82. You will feel like everyone is staring at you everywhere you go. That is just insecurity from lost, you are not “crazy.”

    • I’m happy to know this is a real thing. Thank you for sharing!

    • Wow. I lost my husband (46) to a heart attack on May 8th. I recently went to lunch with a friend and asked if I looked ok, because I had this same feeling – that everyone was staring at me. I’ve had the feeling a couple more times and wondered if I was going crazy. Thanks for sharing, I had no idea others felt this too.

  83. You won’t always have a support system like others.

  84. I lost my great grandmother to cancer 9 days ago. it was the hardest thing i had to go through… it still is. this helped my so much to help cope with the loss of my great grandmother

  85. I lost my husband of 37 years suddenly & unexpectedly. I was not prepared for what I found in his phone. Now I deal with grief, unfaithfulness & hurt. I also deal with people ignoring me because the circumstances at his death were intensified by an immature work partner of his that keeps showing up. My only family is the in-laws that think that I’ll remarry in a couple of years & the sister-in-law that refuses to talk to me. I have been totally ignored by his father who by the way didn’t have the courtesy to call or send condolences never mind considering making the trip to attend his memorial. I feel so alone & selfish at the same time for feeling sorry for myself. I am thankful for the two close friends that I can be open with. The conditions of his unfaithfulness are not something that I want to share & feel imbarassed that I was blindsided.

    • Oh wow. I can only imagine the hurt and confusion you must be feeling, on top of the pain of losing your husband. Thinking of you Daisy. Take care of you as much as you can.

  86. This is nice, and a lot of them ring true. My mom died just over 3 weeks ago. I’m back at work and feel as if I’ve had no real time to mourn. while I’ve helped with funeral arrangements and spending time with my dad. It still feels like a bad dream and it hurts every morning I wake up.

    I’ve never been one to care about pleasantries, but I’ve been somewhat surprised at the lack of condolences from my co-workers. I don’t hate them for it as death is a difficult subject to bring up, but it still feels odd no one has stopped by. Thankfully, my friends and family have been there for me, and that’s what matters most.

  87. I lost my crush on Friday November 30th 2018. I never got to tell him how I truly feel and I will never get to. After his death I found out how many mutual friends we have and one of them I talk to everyday and he told my crush to drive safe and shook his hand before climbing behind the wheel. He fell asleep behind the wheel drove through a fence into a tree then the truck caught on fire. His crash site is across the street from my grandparents. He barely knew I existed we worked at the same store and that’s where I met him. I did care for him deeply. I have to grieve alone cause he had a girlfriend and I don’t want to seem like I’m being selfish with talking about It to our friends. This is one of the hardest death I have dealt with and I have lost way more people than most people ever will. Justin’s death and my Great Uncle’s and I will be messed up for a while. Thank you for this I needed this to make sure I wasn’t going crazy with the sudden waves of tears and I just break down in random places.

  88. Simply. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

  89. My son died of an overdose 10 years ago. I cried some but was more numb. I have waited for real grief to come all this time…..I cry sometimes. I have always said to myself and others that I am ok because I know he is still somewhere…I miss him and wish I could get to know him better. He had just turned 18 and was an old soul. At least that’s what I tell myself. What I don’t want to tell myself is that I missed his pain……I am so sorry….. He died a week before from an overdose and they brought him back…he said he didn’t think this would happen to him, yet a week later he did it again….Someone who had lost her daughter recently, asked me a few weeks after he died “aren’t you thankful for the 18 years you had him?” That helped and I am joyful about that. But I also suspect that I have thought it was wrong to be angry and sad. I let the tears come now sometimes and don’t know what else may be there….If there is a dam and it breaks, I know I can share this with a few trusted friends. I can’t share with my siblings because it’s never discussed. Anniversaries are silent. No one seems to remember but me. I suspect it scares them…..It is comforting to remember that your not alone and reading others comments reminds me that I am human and among many…..

    • I scanned downed the list of comments but stopped at yours for some reason. I feel so sad for you, I know you did have a great and wonderful 18 years with your son. You got to hold him and smell his new baby smell. And when he learned to walk and then fell down. I bet you have so many awesome memories. Im never going to know how any of that feels and it hurts that I was never able to know that kind of joy or see myself in a miniature version of myself.
      I was the mom to a miniature Poodle for 18 years and we spent every day together, ate our meals together and slept together. I don’t think it’s possible to share that much time with a child and I know a dog isn’t the same as a child but for 18 years he was my life and every decision I made was with consideration for him. The last year was the hardest not only because he was losing his memory and use of his legs but because I constantly dreaded the worst case scenario. I ended up putting him to sleep because I would rather deal with the regret and pain of what I did rather than risk him being alone and suffering at his time of passing. I’ve been in mourning, missing him and crying every day but I’m still very grateful for all of the memories and one day I know I’ll be able to think about him without feeling so sad. Everything is energy and energy doesn’t die, it only changes form. I’ve thought about if that guy hadn’t run his red light and crashed into me, terminating my pregnancy and my husband wouldn’t have left me and I didn’t lose my ability to work and earn an income. But then what if I lost my son after 18 years? How on earth would I ever be able to cope with that and work through it?
      Monica, your son died because he enjoyed the feeling of using drugs for whatever reason but unless he was blatant, you would have ever been able to figure it out and prevent his death. I feel so bad for you because of the guilty weight you carry. It’s the saddest to witness someone’s suffering that they didn’t deserve and don’t even realize that they have created their own hell for which they hold the key but refuse to free themselves.
      I recently heard something that changed my perspective: it’s not what happens to you, it’s how you respond to it.
      Shit happens all the time, lots of really good people suffer bad luck that destroys them and leaves them in an unfamiliar, ugly place where they can’t find their way back home but only a few of those people refuse to accept that horrible fate without fighting back.

      I can think of the last 17 years of my life as time I wasted but 16 of those 17 years allowed me to spend all of my time with my Bernie Bear. I was there when his legs would fail him and he would call for me from the hallway. I changed his diapers, groomed him and cradled him in my arms until he fell asleep with no fear of having to wake up early for work in the morning.
      I use to say that he was my angel sent to help me through the worst time of my life following the loss of my dad, my car accident, my marriage and pregnancy and all that followed after it, just one thing after another. I gave my Baby Boo credit for getting me surviving all that but not long after the last time I held him in my arms it occurred to me that all that stuff happened to me as a way of helping me so that I would be strong enough to survive the loss of my sweet, little baby boy. I big part of me was lost 2 years ago and I will probably never accept it and be okay with it but I talk about him all the time and I love to hear other people talk about him and memories they have. You shouldn’t have to keep the memory of your son hidden from your family or anyone else. They should feel ashamed for not being your strongest support group. Don’t be mad at them though because they don’t know any better. They won’t know until they suffer the same kind of loss but you will be there for them and they will finally understand.
      click on the link, I’ve read the story several times and I’ve shared it more times than I can remember. I hope it helps. The title of the article is Person Asks Online For Advice On How To Deal With Grief. This Reply Is Incredible. Rather than looking for it at one of the places I shared it online I thought it would be just as easy to find it online via google search and that’s how I ended up here, reading what you posted. They say things happen for a reason and I like to believe that’s true. Here’s the link(url) and good luck to you.


      click on it until the whole thing is highlighted and then either copy and paste or right click on it and click Go To (url) and it will take you directly to the source
      Or I’ll paste it below because it really is awesome and everyone should get to read it

      “The way he (GSnow) describes grief, how to perceive it, and how to weather it, is nothing short of beautiful:

      Alright, here goes. I’m old. What that means is that I’ve survived (so far) and a lot of people I’ve known and loved did not. I’ve lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can’t imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here’s my two cents.
      I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don’t want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don’t want it to “not matter.” I don’t want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can’t see.
      As for grief, you’ll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you’re drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it’s some physical thing. Maybe it’s a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it’s a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.
      In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don’t even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you’ll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what’s going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything…and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.
      Somewhere down the line, and it’s different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O’Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you’ll come out.
      Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don’t really want them to. But you learn that you’ll survive them. And other waves will come. And you’ll survive them too. If you’re lucky, you’ll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks. “

    • “The way he (GSnow) describes grief, how to perceive it, and how to weather it, is nothing short of beautiful:

      Alright, here goes. I’m old. What that means is that I’ve survived (so far) and a lot of people I’ve known and loved did not. I’ve lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can’t imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here’s my two cents.
      I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don’t want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don’t want it to “not matter.” I don’t want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can’t see.
      As for grief, you’ll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you’re drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it’s some physical thing. Maybe it’s a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it’s a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.
      In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don’t even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you’ll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what’s going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything…and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.
      Somewhere down the line, and it’s different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O’Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you’ll come out.
      Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don’t really want them to. But you learn that you’ll survive them. And other waves will come. And you’ll survive them too. If you’re lucky, you’ll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks. “

    • I am so sorry for your loss. My son left this world on 15 May. just 10 days ago. this is the most profound thing i have ever faced in my life. He was only 36. I am still in such a hazy place. I have asked why? Why my son? He was at a place in his life where he had finally reached his very best spot. he had a wonderful job making good money, was taking care of his family. His fiance was completing her education, he was raising her 2 young sons as if they were his own and had plans to formally adopt them when they got married. He was helping to support his own sons from a previous relationship. He had moved me into his home because i could no longer live alone because of my health and financial situation. So, yeah, i asked why him? Why not me? someone who is basically done the best i had been able to do and had little left to offer? He had melanoma. Deadly skin cancer that none of knew he had until it was far too late to stop it. Why my Son? There were so many people at his Celebration the other night. They all had wonderful things to say. He had touched and helped so many people in his life. It’s so bewildering to me.. My heart goes out to you Monica. I am so sorry for your loss.

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  92. My husband died almost 2 years ago. Nobody really tells you about death or grief, there is no “Death for Dummies” or “How to plan a Funeral, deal with finances, or relatives who disown you and friends who don’t speak until two years later” For Dummies>
    No one tells you that sometimes the joint Mastercard you both paid for is suddenly closed because the other is dead.
    What do we call ourselves now? I think “widow” or “widower” is a really archaic word and has no basis, but it seems to be an appointment of sorts. (Why do men who are widowed seem to marry sooner and create a new family, while it seems the female version is not, and she is like that widow of Zarephath?) Most of the time no one will introduce you to their single friends or fix you up. It only happens on TV
    Its uncomfortable for others for you to sit in the Family pews at Church , so now I sit in the back with the rest of the freaks lol
    Why is shame somehow attached to grief and loss. Having the million dollar insurance policy is a MYTH.
    Be careful of Dating scams
    Your pets sometimes reject you. and then you have to find a rescue home for them.
    Sometimes we really are haunted by our lost loved ones
    “your people” really do forget about you, and well meaning “friends” think that if they speak negative about your lost loved one, it will help you move on and see their flaws and realize that you are better off without them . Seriously?
    Sometimes your finances are a wreck, even if you were organized and on time before.
    Sometimes your Boss has no tolerance for your altered state, and sometimes your mind will not go into gear like before. So you struggle at work too.
    Sometimes and most of the day, you will be held hostage inside your head. Sometimes when people are talking to you, you don’t hear them but their lips are moving
    You forget large chunks of personal history and have to relearn everything. No its not dementia
    Sometimes we need to just be with ourselves as opposed to being by ourselves, there is a difference.
    We really can create a better identity for ourselves, but we have to really work on it
    Sometimes we are needy and we shouldn’t be embarrassed by it

    • “Your pets sometimes reject you. and then you have to find a rescue home for them.”
      I hope you didn’t do that. Animals mourn too. Each person(and animal) copes in their own way and everyone needs to time to readjust.
      How would you feel if you just lost your “daddy” and then someone put you in foster care?
      Now, all I can think about is that poor, confused animal in an unfamiliar place probably not even treating nicely because they’re not able to feel normal. Get the pet back if you can.
      Why would you want to get rid of someone who loved the same person as you?

      • This is someone so deep in grief that she doesn’t understand that pets also grieve deeply. Some folks aren’t enlightened enough to know that animals have feelings and grieve the loss of their family members. Animals view their caretakers as family. Sometimes when an owner of a pet dies, those left behind look for any excuse to get rid of the pet. I’ve seen this firsthand on numerous occasions. Take comfort that the pet is no longer with a person who does not want him. To be unwanted in a home (which can result in mistreatment–again, I’m in rescue so I’ve seen it) is worse. It is hard for us animal lovers to understand, but it seems like it is best for the pet to be out of the house.

    • This is so so true–relatives not speaking–I cant figure it out–your words help–Im not alone–thank you-

  93. The dying part is hard enough. To think that the collection of atoms that came together to create the you, that is you, is impressive in itself.
    Then, assigned such atoms actually obtain the ability to be aware of their own existence? Even though I am circling the proverbial drain I am still in awe.

    It is not the dying part that bothers me , it is the permanent part of the
    equation that throws me for the loop. The worst is the look of anguish
    in the face of my mother. My father and siblings have accepted the fact
    I shall not plan for my next birthday. Why can she not do the same?

    • Because she is your mother. A mother should never have to bury her child…

      • Wendy, she thinks I have no right to do such a thing to her. She is so
        distraught She is also correct. From your response, I sure hope you did not have to bury a child!!! The 10 mg of morphine helps so much. I do not like the other pain relievers as they tend to wipe me out.

        • I am sad for you and your family. Mom is devastated and one big reason is that there is nothing she can do to protect you. Your Dad must be covering it well, but I am sure it is killing him inside. There is nothing good parents would not do to keep you with them, make the pain stop, talk with you openly without being afraid to completely melt down. If you can, comfort those around you individually. We are so small in the universe, and what we are made of is even smaller still. But, at the very end, which we still have not found in an atom, or at the end of the universe is some sort of electrical energy, a spark. In us, the spark makes it possible for us to grow and become. In us humans, it is the beginning of a being that is self aware. That awareness allows us to learn, about, ourselves, and others, our similarities but also how unique each of is. There is your body, and then there is your spirit. They are intertwined right now. You r family will miss your spirit. Who you really are. Call a member of a family in and let them cry with you. Especially your Dad. He needs it. You are his son. There is no bigger loss. Biggest fear of death, other than pain and the unknown, not being remembered . Help them remember you when the spark goes out and God steps in.

          • I want to also add that after you move on, she may feel that her arms are empty. My son and his wife buried their newborn baby this past June. We knew she was going to die when she was born as she had no lungs. She lived for about an hour. Their arms feel empty, They are incomplete until they all will be together again. I believe that you will still be you beyond the veil and that the veil is very thin.
            Cross with nothing left unsaid. That is your greatest gift to them.

          • Susan, Wendy, thanks. My brother, the computer guy, is setting up the auto-good bye message for me. Take Care and
            Go Red Sox! My Grandfather thought they would never win! 2004 and 2013 so shocked him. If there is an afterlife, to see my beloved grandfather again would be so great! Still, is there anyone there who can tell me how to stop my mother from crying? I realize that I am
            now making this about me. She, and my father, are the ones that have to deal with the aftermath. Yet, I can not stand it anymore!

          • Hello, Richard here. David’s brother. David died last night. He was in so much pain the last few days. For some bizarre reason he loved this site. I do not get it. Yet, he told me to tell Wendy and Susan thanks and goodbye. My baby brother is dead. My mother is a basket case and my father is flying home. I am trying to be strong for mother and my sisters. Yet.;….yet. Well, you Know.

          • Richard… you cannot be strong for anyone else. you have to grieve your own loss. i hope you understand this. I just lost my son on 15 May. My daughter is devasted for the loss of her brother. I would never want anyone to tell her that she must be strong for me. When i was in my mid 20’s my brother died. I was told i had to be strong for my Mom because she had just lost her son. I couldnt do it. I felt guilty and felt i had failed her for so many years because i wasnt strong enough to help her. I had lost my brother and had to grieve my own loss. The people telling me that didnt understand this. and it hurt me a lot.. Please dont do that to your self.. We all grieve in our own way. Please dont feel you have to be strong enough to carry anyone elses burden.. Its not fair. Its not right.. I am sorry for your loss Richard

  94. My first born son Charles was killed on Mother’s day May 9, 2004 he was 18 and was very excited about being 18, he never made it to his 19 birthday which is coming up November 16, next Friday, even though I’m been trying to keep busy, l started posting a picture of him each day since October to lead up to next friday, to honor his memory, my body is really feeling it, aches and pain throughout my shoulders numbness down my arms, l really do think that l need to cry this out because the stress is getting to me, it’s been 14 years now and birthdays are yet hard for me because he loved his birthdays,

  95. And if you weren’t all that close to the family member who died because it was a dysfunctional relationship, you will feel guilty for not grieving or for not “grieving right.” I lost my father a few moths ago. He was elderly and his health was failing. He died in his own home on his own terms. But he’d been talking about his death for years. And he’d left our family many years before. I think I’d already grieved him then. I didn’t know what to do with everyone assuming I was so sad. I really wasn’t. And that only made me feel guilty. But that doesn’t mean I don’t miss him or that I didn’t grieve in my own way.

  96. That you would never thought that families would break apart. Other children make you feel like your nothing and splits the whole family by taking sides. Your children’s friend doesn’t want to be part of you or hear from you anymore since your child was killed. Heard on your relationship/ spouse. Fighting all the time. Blaming your spouse cause of your child’s death.

  97. I lost my mom and 15 year old dog within a month of each other this year. And it is the hardest thing to go through grieving both losses and I am a dog lover she was special and always with me, and my mother’s loss is just so over-whelming, I find myself lost and going through so many emotions and nobody to talk too, the friends I thought would be there have distanced themselves and barely check-up on me, and my husband talks to me at the beginning but I also feel a distance from him, its like I feel he forgets what I am going through, I feel alone, and some days are better then others but it is so darn hard, my kids don’t even ask how I am, its like everyone wants to ignore it all, this is the reason I feel so alone, its such a hard journey daily and emotionally all over the map, I feel angry at the people who are my family who have more or less just moved on! I don’t know what normal is, but I do know I am grieving all by myself, I was there for everyone else when they went through their losses, but everyone are busy with their own lives I guess. It is so hard and one thing I have learned so far it doesn’t get better, you just get used to it! It’s been 9 months and I have no interest in anything, I did meet one friend in my building who does get me going, she will invite me out for coffee and get me out, she has really ben a blessing, when she goes out she will always ask me if I need anything at the store, and if I say no she will bring me things anyway, someone who was a stranger who truly cares and knew what I was going through is there for me and still is, we have a great friendship and never expects anything in return, so she has been a blessing and has been there for me, more so then my own family or my old friends, and by that I mean they no longer stay in touch with me, so you really get to know who is really there for you. I am happy to have found this site and have read other people’s experience’s, it has really helped me, I don’t know when I will get back into the groove of life, but going through a loss and grieving is the hardest thing I have been through! Bless you all

    • I understand completely. All of these people promised to be there for me and to help me. It’s been a year tomorrow and they have been to my house once. I lost my mom to ovarian/brain cancer. She was my best friend and my eveverything. I have three girls and I gave birth to my third girl less then 12 hours after her funeral. I never thought I could make it a day without her and yet here I am. I love for my girls and for the life she can’t have.
      My advice to you is screw your family. Everyone deals in a different way and that’s ok. They will NEVER feel what you feel. They will never understand what your going through. Live in honor of your mom. Choose to forgive them and move on from the hate and anger. I learned that when my dad passed 6 years ago. I had so much anger and hurt. People suck sometimes and no on has been there for me they way I was there for them. Guess what their loss! We have everything we need to deal with the death of our moms. Just reach down inside you and make a promise to be everything you can be to make her proud and yourself proud. Smile and rejoice and give honor to her. She would love that. Carry her sparkle in your heart and live because she can’t.

    • I have been reading through the posts, but your’s caught my attention. I recently lost both of my dogs within one month of each other, my two best friends in the whole world. I have always worked from home, so they were an integral part of every moment of my day. I also moved to an area where I have absolutely no friends or social network and now live completely alone, with no outside contact .

      What caught me about your message was how you say your family is behaving around you. If I had to take a guess, they are probably acting like you are invisible, tiptoeing around you, and/or ignoring you? The reason they are probably doing that is because they care too much, and they don’t know how to discuss things with you because they know you are hurting. Try opening up to them and letting them know how you feel. It might give them a chance to tell you how they feel. My family always tells me that I never appear to be bothered and am so strong. The truth is that I cry my tears alone and try to function normally around them in order not to share my sorrow. I sometimes think it is best to show people that you are human because they sometimes need to mourn as well. I think it’s great that your neighbor was kind and intuitive enough to see how sad you are and reach out a helping hand. It is often easier for a stranger to show kindness than family because they don’t feel the extent of your pain. As a kid, my parents tried to shield me from sadness and loss. I think that is a disservice because you are taught to deal with loss on your own. You have gained a wonderful new friend, and I really hope your family comes around so that you do not feel so alone in a house full of people.

      I’m glad I found this site today when Googling “when does grief turn into mourning.” I lost my 15 year old boy November 12th and my 13 year old girl December 12th. When going through my file cabinet today, I found a bit of dog hair, which started a flood of tears. Reading the posts on this site made me bawl more but also feel better that I’m not alone. I know they were “just dogs,” as some people say when they don’t understand the pain you can have, but I wake up every day and feel the intense loss. My dogs had such distinct personalities, one with a sense of humor and orneriness and the other one so sweet and mellow. My heart goes out to everyone on this site. Thank you for sharing your stories.

  98. What I’m finding out is my (very recently deceased) husband of 30 years took my whole world with him when he died.
    I’m pleased I loved him and he loved me however I need to give to him and receive more love….only he’s not coming home!
    For me; loss of my spouse is more painful than any other loss of a relative or pet that I have had to endure.

    • I understand too. The pain is so deep. I just lost my best friend and husband of 48 years. Some days I feel I’ll never get better. Up and down . Today swimming in tears.so lonely.

    • I”m glad to have found this page , I”m not ready to contribute yet .

  99. I feel so utterly alone and unsure of what to do. I appreciate the portion where you mention that “you go crazy and do things you wouldn’t normally do”…. I sold the house my husband had built and moved 13 hours away thinking I would get away from all the memories of his tragic (hit by a car) death…but nope…now I am living in a part of the country that I don’t like and my kids have lost their ties to family and friends…. I am trying to somehow get back into feeling normal, but maybe I never will.
    I have no appetite for travelling, visiting, nothing….
    Thank you all for sharing…. how is it when this is so widely shared that we keep it a dark secret. Death sucks the life out of the survivors.

    • Dear Janet. Life is difficult but keep breathing and smiling. I once was in your situation, almost moved to another province, but it didnt work out (Thank God) Now I realize, nothing else matters, live life for the minute. Maybe you made a mistake by moving, but it is only a mistake. Everyone makes mistakes every day… I guess what I’m saying is …don’t sweat the little things. You will get through this but it takes time…yes lots of time…there is no rush. Keep breathing…(Yoga helps) but believe me with each passing day…life gets better. Good luck Janet. I know you can do it.

  100. My 31 year old daughter died on 7/3/18 from a multitude of anxiety meds mixed with methadone. We’ll never know if it was suicide or just partied too hard. The self-punishment is just too much to bear at times. I tell myself I’m a horrible person for leaving her, I was selfish. When she lived with me, she was abusive, she kicked me, threatened to burn down my house, kill my dog, broke windows and sold my electronics. And I left. Life has no undo button but I keep thinking what could have been different, had I stayed. How do I get through every day? keep working? focus? I feel just trashed, no good for anything. Honestly, just don’t know how I’ll ever be any good for anything, ever. Nobody seems to “get it”. I’m expected to keep functioning as I had been, which I find so laughable.

    • I know how you feel! My Son died of and OD that then as soon as he was taken off life support and hooked up to morphine like your putting down an animal after they gave me his Mom that decision to make! No Mom should ever have to make that decision to go ahead and finish off Your Baby, My only One ! They told me he couldn’t be picked up by Funeral Home but to the Morgue because it was a Murder Investigation and he was 34! He had been in jail and had only been out less than 27 hours but He had had a problem with Pain Pills and other things before but it was on and off until the Pain Pills that he started that was prescribed by a Doctor for his surgery on his shoulder but I know that rage when they are high and how painful it is! Trying everything from tuff love to short rehabs trips which was so hard to find a good rehab facility either don’t take the Insurance he had or no beds but it was almost impossible! Never sleeping when they are out and gone fearing to get that phone call and when they come back wanting money and trying to make you give it to them but You know that is not Your Child, You don’t even know ! Any pain and anguished that you know from that completely is gone when you are holding your dying Child and so Much Pain Your Heart is about to explode out of your chest and you start the nightmare that never goes away! I don’t even know how I have made it this far but just minute by minute day by day ! I miss him so much more and more everyday and I am a little better because I block everyone out not wanting to talk or see anyone and practicly just moved from the bed to the couch for almost 3 year’s only going out if I had to! Seemed like every time I was trying to do better someone or something brought me right back to almost where was! If I could have taken my life I know I would have because I felt like I died that day with my Beautiful Smart Funny Caring Loved his Mom to and was my biggest protector! I didn’t find this page for almost 3 years and I wish I had because I was so alone even though I have a big family, My husband who just left in May so it felt like I have been grieving him too! The main person that I had to get up for was my Son’s only Child My Grandson who only 10 when his Daddy died and he kept calling is my Dad home yet since his Dad was in Jail over a past driving offense in Pennsylvania and 9 hour away from home! I couldn’t hardly live for him but anytime needed me I drug myself out for him with my Son’s voice always saying take care of my little boy Mom! they both loved each other so much and I Loved both of them with every thing in my body and they Love Me! It’s even harder at times to watch my Grandson wanting his Dad especially when he is is some turmoil or having a problem that he just needs his Daddy! My Heart what’s left of it breaks even more as another Mother is going to feel this and they are dying at such unbelievable speed almost every single day! Unfortunately I know this Horrific Painful Nightmare that they are having to feel for this terrible journey for the rest of your life and I’m just so very sorry

  101. Add this one to the list.
    All those people who said: Call me if there is anything you need. I mean anything. I want to help.

    Some mean it. But most do not.
    The ones who mean it will help you.
    But you will need more help 1 or 2 or 3 or 4 months after, and while they probably would have said yes, out of kindness or embarrassment of saying no, you won’t ask them. You will think that they probably are saying yes, just out of embarrassment.

    And add this really important one.

    You will feel paralyzed when it comes to the long list of things you need to do, death related or not, you will feel like you can’t get anything done. So things to do pile on. You feel helpless and paralized.

    Add this one to the list.
    You will feel worse in the night when it all gets quiet. You may have trouble falling asleep and also getting out of bed.

    Add this one to the list

    Your grief will physically hurt.
    Your stomach will hurt. Your chest will hurt. The lump in your throat will hurt. And your head may feel like your brain is swollen.

  102. Don’t be so quick to get rid of everything the deceased owned to get back to normal. Pack it up, store it and when you are ready, let some of it go and keep a few representative things of their life. I kept a crystal bowl my mom took to parties filled with her popular fruit ambrosia. She was a good cook. I can’t bear to part with her favorite purse, her glasses and wallet. Gave away stuff that was not my taste and obviously will never wear. I kept one really nice, tasteful blanket. Giving away her clothes was as if she died again.

    Don’t ignore grief or try to push it away. It will come back to bite you. It has a life of its own and you have to respect it. You must allow yourself to pass through it from time to time. You’re not crazy if you do. You’ll go crazy if you don’t.

    • I struggled with my husbands stuff and I still do. He was just a person who enjoyed doing stuff so he collected the stuff he enjoyed. So my basement was filled with boxes of our life together. I did get rid of the things I nagged him about, but everything else lived in boxes. So I have recently started to open some boxes (most of my stuff) and pack some things to Good will. My husband wasn’t a clothes horse so no clothing for memory, he was a Gear head , but tools overwhelm me, he was a hunter, but I had to sell all the guns, he was all of that.
      So I decided to find the rare pictures that have me and him having fun at the same time and make a little memory board that I can look at every now and them. I am sorry for your loss, I am not sure when it will get better, but I hope we can all maintain.

  103. 10/2016 my side of the family lost a horse they had for many years that would have died if my brother and his wife and son didn’t take him. He was malnutrition bad and they turned the horse into a grand champion over the years they had him. Then 6-2017 THEY lost their mother from a long battle of cancer. It hit my brother his wife and their son very hard. Then 10-2017 our family was struck again with our nephew . He was in a horrific car accident 10-12-2017 after 10pm. My brother and his wife didn’t have time to grieve for their mother and then had to rush to their sons side after getting the phone call every parent never wants to get. Their son. My nephew. Was only 25. 5 days later he passed away. 10-17-2017 their son and my nephew passed away 6:25pm. In his honor he chose to be an organ donor so others could live on if he could not. He has saved many lives since he’s passed but it still doesn’t change our family grieving. After trying to put some pieces back together in our family . My brother and his wife AGAIN were hit almost 4 months later that their brother passed away unexpectedly. 3 people passed away that were very close all within 8 months of each other. Our family didn’t know what to do. Or say to make things any better. We were going numb. We all thought. It happens in 3’s so NO MORE grief can come to our family. We were wrong again. 3 months later . Our family once again learned that our family had more devastating news that we never wanted to hear. My brother and his wife of over 21 years. Who just lost their horse who was like a child to them. Who just lost Their mother who was one of the greatest people you could ever meet. Who just lost their only son together at just 25 years old. Who just lost their brother very unexpectedly. To finding out my brothers wife was diagnosed with rare myeloma and their is no cure. Although she could have many years to live with managed treatments. We don’t know the outcome of their lives. Today marks 1 year of their son and my nephew passing away. And no matter what we grieve everyday . Some days are very hard and others are harder. What we do know is that through all of the loss our family had within a year. The one we grieve most is their son who was only 25 and my nephew. Nobody has figured out how to move on. Our only hope right now is that their son and our nephew will watch over his mom and Dad and give us a miracle and keep his mom around for the next 50 years ATLEAST so my brother will be able to keep the love of his life around him since everyone else has been taken so suddenly..

  104. I lost my husband, the love of my life, 137 days ago. He had a multitude of health problems and was sick for a long time. He was in hospice 18 months. We were married 30 years. Obviously I knew when his time was getting short, and I thought I was prepared for his death as I was tired of seeing him suffer. Wrong! I miss him so much and grieve constantly. I miss his voice.

    • I read your letter and can I ever relate. I too lost my husband of 47 years just 8 months ago. We too went through a very long illness (cancer). He was sick for 18 months as well. I too was so sad and tired of watching him suffer. I too thought I was ready to release him to God so he would be free of all he was going through. So hard to watch. But no, I wasn’t ready to let even my sick husband go. I would have cared for him the rest of my life just to have him here. When your life partner dies and you are left behind, you are missing your other half. You become lost and so alone. I’m suffering from anxiety. They call it separation anxiety. There are so many things to go through emotionally. Such a long hard journey. You wonder if this will ever end.
      I’m so sorry for your loss. I feel for all your going through. It is the hardest thing we’ll ever be called to do.

  105. Time DOESN’T heal ..it DOESN’T get better with time..lost my nephew 5 months ago..and i can tell u the pain is worse now than days later,maybe its because going through everyday without him,the realization when i do things we used to do together that he is no more..the pain is excruciating..people say its painful but you don’t realize just how painful until you are going through it yourself..time is a reminder that they are not here today…..grieving is not the same,i lost my dad but the pain i felt losing my nephew was nowhere close,its like my heart was being ripped apart..am writing this with tears in my eyes,all i can say is let someone grieve their own way,i get mad when i see my family happy because i feel like we shouldn’t be happy yet its like am betraying him,but then i remember i loved him more than anything so it will be harder for me..i think of the future he was supposed to be my Paige boy and now ad rather carry the rings myself than let any other take that place..loss is something you experience your own way it cant be compared with another s,we mourn differently..but when you get to that place you feel you cant take it anymore GET Help

  106. There is nothing worse than child loss and it happened to me 2x. I can’t grieve for anyone else because one of them was 21 and the other one was an infant. I am been through tremendous loss in my life, but nothing compares to losing a child. I guess I am cold now to any other person because my children were taken. When an old person dies, there should be no grief, period. Yes, I have been through that so I know what I am talking about. I now how to pull myself away from ANYONE who thinks they can compare their loss to mine.

    • Karelie,

      I was so sorry to read your post. I don’t know how people could tell you anything. We lost my brother when he was 37 years ago. He had a chronic illness and my mother tried 24/7 for several years to find a cure for him. She did nothing else. She ended up getting Alzheimer’s at 67. I took care of her until the last five years and she passed at 87. The pain of losing one child was unbearable for her, I can’t imagine you having lost two children. It was not fair. I am so sorry and wish there was something that I could do to ease your pain. That pain never went away for my mom or the rest of my family. Prayers are with you regarding you and your children.

    • I’m not sure why you say there should be ‘no grief for an old person’. Is it because they had a long life compared to a child or young person that dies? ‘Old People’ are loved too. They’ve been fathers, mothers, grandparents, etc. We miss our parents, we loved them. It’s never appropriate to say something like that. You’re telling us WE have no right to grieve. That’s wrong, that’s why we’re all here.

    • hi.Karlie,you are so right.absolutely nothing compares to child loss+i will walk
      away also if some1 compares their loss of elderly parent or their pet! to murder of my 20 year
      old girl,found dead in a ditch. even a terminal illness at any age you can prepare for, (but
      not for your child) please do not any1 mention religion,i dont like it.it wont help.karlie
      i understand but others dont ,when i want to talk about my child i see that lack of awareness.
      noone understands unless theyv been through it i know you understand.take care.

  107. My mom died in May.
    She wasnt ill, she was still grieving my dad’s death. He passed 22nd Jan 2016.
    My family was very close up until mom died.
    Thursday (24 May 2018) I was off work because I was writing exams. I wanted to visit mom because she lived 20 mins away but I told myself that preparing for my exams was more important. I called her and she told me she was eating then dropped the call on me.

    My sister who lived with my mom sent me a message at 6pm that evening saying my mom had a stroke. I rushed to the hospital to be with her. During the CT scan they made me pin her down even though she was in so much pain. The monday the doctor told us my mom was fine and that she would be discharged. We looked at her… she couldn’t talk, couldn’t open her eyes, couldn’t anything… HE LIED TO US… HE GAVE US FALSE HOPE!

    My mom wasn’t ill. There was nothing wrong with her. We took her for all her check ups prior to the stroke.

    A week later Thursday, 31st May 2018 my mom died. They said she was coming home. They said she was fine.

    I’m so angry. I dont know at who or why but i need to hit something or someone… GAWD IM SO ANGRY!!!!!
    My mom was not ill so why

  108. I lost my mom and dad within 10 months of each other only last year and feel so alone ,

    • I lost my father and mother within 10 months of each other 2017-2018 also. It was a horrible experience and continues to be a horrible feeling. I try to make it everyday and am making some progress but it hurts so bad. no matter what age you are, it hurts. I was 57 yrs old and still cry like a baby. Try to make time to go through the grieving process of shock, disbelief, anger etc. and the unbelievable crying episodes and then sleep. People say it gets better with time, but I’m still waiting. Miss them so much !!!!

    • I lost both of my parents within 14 months. My mother died April 30, 2017 and my Daddy died July 1, 2018. They both had Alzheimer’s but other died of pneumonia and Daddy died of Alzheimer’s. I too feel very alone and can’t figure out what to do now. I feel lost.

  109. Thank you so much for this post. Losing my dad December 1, 2011, I never knew how hard my heart would continue to break. I miss what our future was to hold, sharing memories with my boys. Nothing can prepare you for the loneliness of grief. And until you’ve been there, you don’t have a clue. I avoid most get togethers and holidays due to sadness. I hate those that have parents even thought I still have and cherish my mom. The emptiness never goes away.

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  111. I think these are all awesome and spot on. I lost my wonderful soulmate -best friend-lover of 37 years marriage (and 44 years of love from first sight) this August 9th. She had stage 4 lung cancer that spread t her brain. We got the diagnosis only 2 days before our daughters wedding that she had to miss due to surgery to relieve the swelling/pressure in her brain by putting in a shunt. We were downstate NY for it and we had to wait another week to leave and come home upstate to Buffalo where we had just moved into our retirement home, So yes we only got 2 months of retirement starting March. We bought our dream home- to have 20 or so Golden years- our time for the good life. But the grief is never ending- the regrets- anger- denial all the stages hit at various moments-days-times- I can no longer enjoy the home that is now just a house or even better a tomb for me. I too feel as if family has already moved on and forgot. I could be wrong but I dont know- I am so alone but nobody calls. My daughter tries and gets me to go with my grandchildren to events but its not the same- I just feel bad because my wife is missing these times she came up here to have- she lived for the time to be with the grandkids and she was robbed of it all in only 2 months after diagnosis she was gone! I came here to retire and live the good life and all I did was come up to bury her along with all our hopes and dreams. I have now lost my past-present and future! So how the hell am I supposed to “move on”? I am 64 she was only 62 and now its all gone! I just want to NOT wake up one morning- but for some reason God wont do me the favor I ask! Why not- you already took my life-now take it all-please. When I see morning sunlight it just awakens the pain all over again. But again all your points here hit the spot!

    • Dear Gary. I hear the hope in your words. I once was in your shoes. It takes a long time to work thru the healing process but it is worth it. Just keep going thru the motions, try to make the best of the day, see the beauty in being alive somehow. I know it sounds weird but it is the only way thru this. I felt like I was walking 2 feet off the ground for the first 2 years and then I came back to earth…I didnt know it at the time but I do now…and now even though I still grieve my loss I am in control of my grief. I know what I am dealing with. Please try to keep going for your dear loved one. She only wants you to go foreward and enjoy all that life has to give. She is watching from above. Make her proud. All the Best, Gary!

    • Many of us seem to be in the same boat.
      What A Thing.
      Who ever thought it would come to this.
      Blessings To All Of You Through My Tears

  112. its been 9 months since i lost my mom… i still feel it… some of those facts actually relate well to me…it wasn’t supposed to happen…

  113. I yelled at some family members during the days after my husband died. He lingered for twelve agonizing days in ICU before passing away on the operating table. Because I yelled at these family members and “hurt their feelings” they completely abandoned me. They all stayed at my brother’s house, consoling one another and enjoying each other’s company. I was left behind at my mother’s house, completely alone, to cry and grieve by myself, no support, no consolation from anyone (even my mother was not there – but that’s another story, not her fault). Not even a phone call to see how I was doing. I guess their “hurt feelings” were somehow more important than the DEATH of my husband. They are still waiting for me to “apologize”. I guess they will probably wait until hell freezes over! I learned some important things from this situation, however – family cannot always be counted on to be there for you in your darkest hour! And some family members are pitifully weak, selfish and ignorant when it comes to death and grieving! It was also surprising to me that complete strangers offered more comfort and came through in many fantastic and important ways that my family NEVER EVEN THOUGHT OF. These family members still have yet to write or call to even ask how I’m doing. I don’t wish it upon them, but their day is coming when either they or their spouse will die. They have no children, so I wonder, who will be there for them? I had two wonderful sons who made my grief much more bearable – but who will be there for these (so-called) family members of mine? Me?

  114. I feel like much of this list doesn’t apply to me. I lost my mother three weeks ago to lung cancer she was 77. I honestly feel I did most of my grieving whilst she was going downhill over the summer. Since she has gone I am getting on with my life and I get sad sometimes but I’m honestly ok. And when I’ve read this list I feel bad cos I’m not more messed up. She was a tough cookie and passed it on to me and also I’m Catholic so believe I will see her again . Love to you all

  115. My father passed 10 years ago, and looking back as I get older I realize just how difficult it was to process. I had a complicated relationship with dad, and when he passed suddenly it deeply affected me. In the months following his passing, I wrote a song expressing the very feelings I had and complex grief I was enduring. I decided not too long ago to actually go in studio and get it professionally recorded. I’m not a musician professionally by any means, but I did this in honor of him and those who may feel the same. If you’re dealing with conflicted emotions, I sincerely hope my song helps https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r7x0Be9eF6g.

  116. My mother and father have both passed in the last three and a half years. I wished I had said some things to them but I didn’t know they would die so soon. My mother suffered with kidney,heart, and pain everywhere for 10 years . She became unconscious, on a ventilator and life support. They say the hearing is the last to go. I told her I would be alright because it was time for her to go to heaven and she had been sick long enough and that I lovedher and what a great human being she had been. I did not have to have them pull the plug.she died immediately. I think she was trying to hang on forme. After they pulled the ventilator she had a slight smile on her face. I cried and rejoiced because she is in heaven . How do I know this.? When I was born my mother’s after birth would not come. They had to take it and she hemoridged. My dad was in the waiting room not knowing any thing was wrong. He was not mental. He saw a vision on the wall of my mother in a white gown walking up a dirt road. He saw the pearly gates and Saint Petey. He started praying Please don`t take her. Me and our 4 kids need her. The doctor came out soon after and told my dad they pulled me out with forecepts and all her veins collapsed. They gave up. Another Dr came down the hall and said the biggest vein is in her foot and saved her. When my dad went in my mother said you won’t believe this I went to heaven.With my dad he had cancer. He got his final wave of energy and thought he was being healed. I didn,t have the heart to tell him this is part of dieting so I never got to say goodbye. Those of you that say you’ll never talk to them I look forward to telling him how great he was. Although I told my mother to tell him when she was dying.

  117. I’m 38 years old and 6 weeks ago my mum died while abroad. She was finalising the estate of her mum who died last November – she died the day she was due to fly home. She wasn’t ill and the reason for her passing is unknown- owing to cultural considerations where she died there was no autopsy. I’m kind of thankful for that but months other hand I don’t know why. Her burial was incredibly rapid – she died in the Monday and I was at her funeral on the Thursday.

    There is no rule book for grief and mourning- but a lot of the stuff on this list is right. So many people gave me advice – alot of it was because they wanted to help. I wasn’t backwards about going forwards and saying “just be normal with me – I need that stability. Don’t make exceptions for me or dance round issues, i can still take a bit of banter” With a bit if a steer it’s been alright. So many have said “you need to be strong now”. No you don’t. It’s alright to touch the grief and dissolve into a mess. I’ve just had to find the right time and a place to do it . I’m a very private person. Equally folk have said “you need to let it all out” Again – no you don’t. It’s up to you as we’re all very different people.

  118. I wish someone had told me that people would rather avoid you than comfort you, and that most of your tears are shed alone. I’ve never sobbed so hard or so long or so much!

    • Me too Leslie. But you need to be strong for one’s self. My GF died 8 weeks ago and it is by far the worst period of my life.
      Everything, everyplace reminds me of her. It’s crippling.
      Friends mean well,but they can’t be relied on

  119. In marriage or relationship, I don’t think there should be any kind of secret or privacy. I don’t think is nice to be keeping your phone to yourself and it been locked with a password that is not known by your wife or husband. After 5 years of marriage I discovered that the man I love so much started acting funny and suddenly changed his password that he has been using over the years now and always keeping his phone to himself. He is always on calls and getting his phone off him is like trying to take a bone from a hungry dog. he started asking funny questions like “Why do you need to see my phone, don’t you trust me” ? I told my best friend about it and she told me about a particular hacker . i contacted him through his username . I was so amazed with his work & within 5 hours my job was ready for monitoring and I was really surprised because I never thought is possible to monitor someone’s phone without having access to the device.

  120. This has been wonderful to read. I lost my rock, strength, my everything my husband on August 4, 2018. I just don’t know how to keep functioning. We have two wonderful boys. I try and not see me cry all the time. But they have been my rocks through a lot. Grief really changes you. I don’t know how we are suppose to going. He was 49 and it was sudden and out of the blue. I have to keep reliving that day, because I keep thinking he is going to show up. It is a living nightmare everyday. Reading this helps me a little knowing that I’m not crazy in how I feel. Thank you.

  121. Crying yourself to sleep every night, and waking up crying!!!! Mornings are terrible.. Waking up in the morning ALONE and remembering the whole thing was not a nightmare is the worst!
    After hearing about my husband ‘s death made me want to scream And cry to him about it. It was very sudden, being a car accident. No seatbelt…

    Anyway, the knowing that you will never get to talk ever again ever. Knowing he will never come home and walk through the door ever aha is terrible. You just want it all to be just a bad dream, but just can’t wake up. from it!

  122. I am discovering that after 2017, when I lost my 28 year old cousin to murder (really, though, I think it was more of a suicide by proxy) in January, my 39 year old best friend to total paralysis from a brain hemorrhage in May, my other best friend to suicide, and another close friend to prison, I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I have now started grieving for the next two closest people to me – my mom and my husband – even though there is not a single thing wrong with them, save for bad genetics. I have realized that anxiety is simply an impatient version of grief waiting for its cue to enter – and it is perpetually waiting in the wings for me. Insomnia. Food binge/restriction. Lethargy. Hyperactivity. All the things. Usually at the same time.

    As an atheist with no children, I truly fear for what will become of me when the last two that I love the most are gone. What do I do with me? I have no faith to hold me here. No children to be obligated to care for. The last two people keeping me tethered to this world will likely die before me. Then what? I am certain I will not be able to find joy without them here. I will only be a burden to anyone who is left.

  123. My mom just passed away almost 2 weeks ago. She was 57 and battled stage 4 metastatic melanoma for 9 years. 4 days before she passed, she was moved to hospice care, sent my sister her funeral wishes, and sent me a text while I was at work. Little did I know this was the last text my mom was going to send me. Im 29, my dad passed away a month before my 13th birthday… My grandma passed away from Alzheimer’s 2 years ago… But nothing could have prepped me for losing my mom. Crying in fact DOES come in waves and completely out of nowhere. I cried when I told her my goodbyes in the hospital, I cried when everyone said their goodbyes to her. I cried at the viewing and funeral, very little. Now i catch myself crying very little and very randomly over the smallest things. Or my patience as been slim to none, which i know isnt fair to my partner or step son but its almost uncontrolable… Ive come to terms with theres no guidelines for grieving and this recent death is proving the lack of guidelines… Remaining on “autopilot” is the only thing getting me through work days at this point.

    • My jut lost my sister to metastatic melanoma four days ago. She fought for two years. I thought she would make it. I honestly thought she’d just keep going until the cure was found. I’m in such pain and numbness right now. I dont know how to do anything, I don’t know how to cook or how to do my laundry because what does it matter? I don’t know how to even face going back to work. What I want is to go away somewhere I don’t know, to a hotel, or somewhere where I dont have to do anything, and just sit and think for a minute. Everything in my life seems pushing me to go back to work or go back to normal life, and I just can’t face that. I don’t know what to do.

  124. I lost my mom on 7-7-18. Her last 3 weeks consisted of my care 24/7. # 6—A home death/hospice death is not always a good death. It’s what my mom wanted but the last 2 weeks were felt like a job vs. my mom dying. All my other siblings had the time to say their goodbyes and have their conversations but my niece and I were on duty. I made myself take a few moments alone to say my goodbyes but the other thing no one tells you is that the person you are caring for may become angry with their caregivers. Mom did and that could not be the furthest from who she was normally. I had been her primary care giver for her 6 year cancer battle, and it was an honor to be by her side. Though the last 2 weeks were different brutal really. I relive that final 24 hours more than anyone knows. Not sure I will ever be able to let those go.

    Oh… Hospice… who knew how little help or guidance you really get from them. I sure as heck did not. Super disappointed.

    Family feuds— from what i know now are not uncommon but lord are they unnecessary and horrible. But they happen!

    The other thing people don’t tell you is how hard it will be to help your other parent through the loss of their spouse. My dad, who is now staying with my family is so sad that I can’t begin to grieve myself, which may not be a bad thing.

  125. I lost my beloved husband. I’m prepared for birthdays, anniversaries, but sometimes the silliest, unexpected thing will bring me to my knees. There’s no preparing for that. It comes out of no where.

  126. I’m 39 and lost my 68 year old Mom on June 9, 2018. She found out May 10 (four days after her birthday)that she had pancreatic cancer that had spread to her liver. We were counting on chemo but she died the week she was supposed to start treatment. She took a major turn for the worse mainly because of acute liver failure and lived for only six more days after going to the hospital. It’s been just the two of us for so many years and she was my absolute best friend. She was out of it on a lot of morphine and so weak for that last week that we didn’t have any more conversations together. I talked to her a lot and made her as comfortable as possible while she could still tell me what she needed. Not being able to talk back and forth with her was particularly sad because we had wonderful, heartwarming conversations over the years. I live/lived (which is it now?) with my mom and still live in the same house we’ve had since I was six.
    Here’s what no one told me:
    “People will tell you it’s time to face reality (which you should never say) when the person you love is still dying, not even gone yet.”
    “You will cry over things you never imagined. Like the loved ones dirty socks still lying in their bedroom floor or whenever you see their favorite candy.”
    “Crying so hard that you’re screaming is not just a tv/ movie thing that wins you an Oscar.”

  127. The biggest surprise for me was the physical aches and pain. The physical sickness I feel from grieving. It like the flu almost. But last much longer. My mother has only been gone 2 months but the waves keep pounding me.

  128. It REALLY HURTS when someone says – why are you so upset? He was only your nephew…

  129. Sometimes, without even realizing it, you not only mourn the loss of a person, but you mourn the loss of a life you thought you were going to have.

  130. My mom died a few months ago. We were very close even though we had a difficult relationship. I’ve never felt so scared in my life; I’m a grown 55 year old man with a family of my own and all I do is worry about who’s going to take care of me. I guess it’s time for me to grow up.

    Thank you for this wonderful medium.

  131. * That grief is physical pain as well. I’ve never been so sore in my life. My whole body aches.
    * Every single morning you wake up there is a split second of forgetting about your loss of your loved one, then it hits you like a ton of bricks and you remember that they are dead. This is THE WORST!

    • That’s just how i feel. I struggle through everyday since my 55 year old partner’s death.
      I sleep badly and then when i wake up, for the first few seconds i don’t remember Simon’s death.
      Then it hits me and the pain is all-consuming again.

      • I can’t believe how normal everything feels for the first minute or two upon waking up. The day after my sister dies, I couldn’t believe my brain was reacting like everything was fine. I didn’t know that would happen.

  132. there’s no wrong way to grieve.

  133. Perpetua ChiomberegwaJuly 21, 2018 at 11:47 amReply

    I recently lost my husband of 10 years.He died of hypertension just 2 days in hospital.He died 15 June 2018,I am still in shock.He left me I was 9 months pregnant and was due the following week he died.I could not do body viewing and I did not go to bury him.I have recently been blessed with a baby boy and I have 2 beautiful girls.T have lost my dad 2010 but death seem to be new.I an trying to get on my fit but it’s not easy.It’s been a month that he died but I still cannot believe he is really gone.I have all the feelings and emotions you can think of,my world is upside down

  134. This is also a very good post which I really enjoyed reading. It is not every day that I have the possibility to see something like this..

  135. With havin so much content do you ever run into any problems of plagorism or copyright infringement? My blog has a lot of completely unique content I’ve either written myself or outsourced but it seems a lot of it is popping it up all over the web without my authorization. Do you know any methods to help prevent content from being stolen? I’d definitely appreciate it.

  136. I’m still learning from you, but I’m improving myself. I definitely love reading everything that is written on your site.Keep the tips coming. I enjoyed it!

  137. david roger sundquistJune 25, 2018 at 9:31 amReply

    i’m grieving the lost of my wife. i am sick and tired of people saying, call me if you need anything ! what a cop-out ! the only thing it means is i’m relieved of any responsibility of anything. it puts all the effort on the grieving person and means nothing. how about this, i’ll call you to check on you, but if you need me before that, call me !!!!!!!

  138. I wish I had known how physical grief could be. I walked with a shuffle for a few months – couldn’t pick up my feet. I thought I had some kind of disease until I figured out it was literally the weight of the grief I was carrying.

  139. My partner broke up with me,but with the help of [email protected](yahoo). com my partner came back????

  140. My grief hurts my body, my heart feels like it’s going to explode into billions of pieces… I just wanted more time, I just can’t see how life moves on without my loved one. No one really understands how deeply we hurt for our loved ones, it makes you realize how alone you truly are. I understand this and I don’t expect anyone to truly understand the utter pain I go through but it causes me to feel very isolated and alone. When the “wave” hits, I lose my breathe for a moment, my heart wrenches, my tears just roll down my cheeks without even making a audible crying sounds. I watch her videos almost every day, I touch her on the screen, wanting to feel her soft skin and warm breathe on my face, her smell….. people judge they all do…. very few people will never understand and I don’t blame them because they cannot get into my heart and soul and experience the intense bond I had. I have my good days but I know that the “wave” is imminent and I must let it wash over me and I embrace it. I think it’s the love that has been built up but not allowed to be expressed to her. She passed on March 19, 2018, I held her in my arms on the way to the hospital and kissed her and told her I how much she meant to me and to our other family members, she brought them up, she nutured them and helped to make them whole. I told her that if she cannot breathe I will breathe for her. She is mine and I am hers and that will be forever.

  141. Such a great list. I really appreciate with this. I will must share it to others and also to my facebook page. Thanks fo rthe sharing such a informative article.

  142. I lost my brother in law, Chance, (more of a big brother) less than a month ago. He passed on 5/5/18 in a motorcycle accident and left behind his four year old daughter. We were very close. I never knew I was going to feel crazy when Chance died. Literally crazy. I tune out the world and hear songs and his voice so clear like he is sitting right next to me. I still send him messages telling him about my day and how his daughter is doing. I didn’t know I was going to have odd cooping mechanisms with a loss, but I have. There are time when I feel like I’m good and I’m stable, but then something that doesn’t even seem to have any remote connection with Chance or his death will trigger an immense ball of emotions I didn’t even know could happen with one another. I miss him and I will love him forever. I do wish I would have let him stay in my house where he would have been safe(guilt).

  143. I told a close friend that I intended to create a page on instagram directed to other males that very close to their mothers. His response was; “why would you do such a thing, so you all can wallow in self pity?” Im not quite sure why that hurt me so deeply.

  144. Itreally a great and useful piece of info. I am satisfied that you shared this useful info with us. Please stay us up to date like this. Thanks for sharing.

  145. You don’t just mourn the death of the dream once. The dream always finds a way to rear its ugly head and you grieve it all over again. Some dreams just don’t die, no matter how long the individual has been dead.

  146. In 17 years, through guilt of being alive, I have systematically lost everything my beautiful husband and I worked so hard for, that I now have nothing. I ruined my relationship with my beautiful girls, and I am still so very lost. I wish my doctor had visited me after my husband died… or someone had put me somewhere for my own protection from myself, until I could cope . I still cry everyday with grief for jom

  147. I lost my son on June 24,2017. He was murdered. I was devastated to say the least. Instead of people saying it will get better they said it will never get better or don’t let people tell you it gets better because it don’t. That scared me because at that time I was doing good just to breathe. So maybe people should be careful on advice to a person who is in the beginning stages of grief. I was afraid that if I was never going to get better then I may have to be placed in an institution. I know now logically what people meant but at that time I was not thinking logically. One day at a time and I manage to get out of bed, work and function. The pain is there and I am sure that’s what was meant but at least I can dress myself,comb my hair and brush my teeth unlike that very first day. Just hold off on advice the first days afterwards. love, comfort, lending a helping hand is really all a person can handle at first.

  148. I lost my absent dad a few months ago. Though we was in a different continent for most of my life, these 2/3 years when I entered adulthood had been significant because I took steps to approach him, go abroad and stay with him, and have some form of verbal communication with him which didn’t exist growing up. So when he died suddently I just feel like the restablishment of contact came too late, when things were just getting better he left this world.
    I didn’t get to say goodbye to him and it’s killing me. It feels like a cruel ending.

  149. I lost my spouse of 45 years suddenly and unexpectedly, although she had an “ultimately” terminal condition. She was very functional and we had a loving life. We had both acknowledged that I would outlive her, so should have been prepared ? NO

    No, sudden unexpected death of even a terminally ill person hurts terribly; maybe more so in the fact that we knew the end was nearer than we would have liked. But, I had prepared for being together and cherishing the short amount of time we were going to have together- we didn’t take our love for granted like normal relationships- we knew it was not unending- but now I feel cheated and that she had been stolen from me…so now I grieve twice…the same type some one feels with a sudden death and I still have the anticipatory grief associated with the impending death

    65. It’s ok to talk to the recently departed

  150. Louise McOrmond-PlummerMay 1, 2018 at 1:10 amReply

    Dawn, I’m very concerned at the expectations people are putting on you at this time. My husband of 28 years passed 18 months ago, and you’re absolutely right that platitudes don’t help. Basically, they shame us and try to “correct” us from feeling things that are perfectly natural responses to such a huge loss. People may mean well, but this is about YOU and what you need right now. Of COURSE you don’t have closure – your loss is a handful of weeks in the past – and I debate anyway whether closure is actually a thing. When or IF you decide to pack up your man’s things is completely up to you. It sounds like his toothbrush is important to leave where it is, so leave it, my dear. I know it’s really hard to drum up any energy at this stage for telling people what you need from tHem, but I do wonder if it’s possible to let your family know that their platitudes, their telling you how to feel and how often to visit the cemetery just isn’t helpful? These responses really are as bad as we think they are. Let me assure you that there is nothing wrong with you at all, Dawn. Could I please recommend that you read a book, when you are able, called “It’s Okay that You’re Not Okay” by Megan Devine. I wish there was a way to make this easier, sweetheart – it’s dreadfully hard, and though I am not you, I do know from my own experience the absolute depth of pain that comes from losing a beloved husband. I’m so sorry. Please find ways via the internet or other, to be with people who can support you, and listen instead of telling you what to do xxoo

  151. Louise McOrmond-PlummerMay 1, 2018 at 12:38 amReply

    Hi John,

    I am so sad for you that you believe you can do nothing about whatever wrongs you feel you may have done. I believe that you can do so, and I believe your wife already knows how much you love her, and the great sorrow you bear. John, have you heard anything about continuing bonds? There’s an excellent article about it on this site; it basically means that your relationship with your wife continues, offering you the opportunity to work through any issues you may feel are unfinished with her. Here is grief specialist Robert Neimeyer’s response to a daughter with guilt feelings for her deceased mother: “First, it helps to recognize that your guilt persists because your relationship with your mother persists, even beyond her dying. While this is a problem, it also suggests a solution, as you can seek resolution through working to make amends to her, just as you would have in life.” I do hope you will find the peace you seek. Your love for your lady is palpable in every word, – I can see that, and I’m just a stranger behind a computer screen in Australia xxoo

  152. I’m 23 and 4 months ago I lost my dad. He passed away suddenly at 53 and since then, I feel completely lost. I feel like I don’t live my life anymore because there is no my life without my dad. He is the first thing I remember when I wake up, and the last thing before I fall asleep. However, some days are easier, but some days (like today) are so hard that I don’t know how it is possible to live with this pain. I was crying all night and then I found this site accidentally. And it helped me at least a little bit because I see I’m not the only one going through this. I can’t talk to my friends about my dad. They just don’t understand. Luckily for them. I have beautiful family and they are my biggest support but I have feeling that some of my cousins (and friends) think that I got over this just because I laugh sometimes and I’m doing things I used to do before. But I think the only thing that gets better with time is your emotional control in front of others. But when you are alone, it’s all the same. It still hurts so badly and you miss that person so much.
    English is not my first language, but I hope you will understand me and some could maybe find yourselves in my words and feelings.

  153. Suddenly losing a beloved has not only the grief but the shock too. Losing my mom was an ongoing affair…years of sliding down the path of dementia. Outbursts, and her struggles to stay in control, could be intense, sometimes with her striking out. But there were times of exquisite sweetness; I slept with her several times, to keep her safe when my father was away. I’d cuddle her in bed to make her feel safe and stroke her face, tell her, “you know what?..she’d look at me, and wonder…what? and I’d say, “I love you…” probably 50 times a day. It always made her smile and the energy in our hearts would glow. I sang her Sufi chants several nights a week, while she was in bed at the nursing home in her finally year, readying for sleep. She’d close her eyes, and then open them with these deep orbs of rich brown, like tunnels going on forever, as if she had gone to the other side, and back again. These memories of loving more then, have sustained me in her loss. It’s been about 4 years. She is Always with me! Love to you Marusha…Auntie Moosh, Mom, Mary…I love you always! We are one!

  154. For some of us, writing thank you notes and letters after a death and funeral or memorial event is part of the healing process. I wanted everyone to know how very much I and our son appreciated their caring thoughts and deeds. It is not always a cruel thing as stated in this list and is an incredibly personal decision whether to write them or not.

    • One more thing to add to the the list:. “Anxiety is another (constant) stage of grief.”

      Patricia! Forgive my untimely reply to this post: I lost so many friends after my son died. It was agonizing and confusing but because I didn’t have the strength to care about it, it only just recently occurred to me that they were completely afraid of me and the person who had taken over my body! They didn’t know who I was or how to be the friend that I needed at the time. The funny, spontaneous always there for you Becky did not reside at this address. I couldn’t STAND when people just dropped by and rehashed the story over and over again. Then sit there in awkward silence and stare at me. I cut the visits shorter and shorter until they stopped coming. It was a relief. No one understands the way you “don’t” feel. Oscar winning performances are put on for THEIR sake. That part will be put in perspective in time. Take care of YOU!

  155. As I read through these posts, my heart is broken for each one of you. Our grief is so individual and so real. My fiance, the love of my life, my soulmate passed away suddenly on March 22nd. Like so many of you, we had so many beautiful memories and so many plans for the future. I find myself pretending to be okay. Pretending to myself, pretending to others… How many times can you say to someone who asks “I’m still crying, I’m still in bed, I’m still going through motions but none of it makes any sense or matters.” So I pretend. I go out to dinner with friends. I attempt to fill my days and evenings with activities that really don’t matter. I pretend that I am happy. They say” fake it till you make it.” I honestly do not feel like I will make it. I also read the disappointment that others on this post feel about people who you really believed would be there for you and haven’t been to the capacity that we need them. I, too, have experienced this. But, in my grief, I feel I have to let that go because I just can’t have one more thing bringing me down. I cling to the people who are there and who do their best to the best of their ability. So now I sit and I wait and I fear for the future. Knowing that most people don’t get one soulmate, not even one soulmate in their life. I know that I will never have another, I know that I will never love the way I loved this man. It is scary. It is paralyzing. My heart is broken. And everyone says “you are strong – you are so strong” because I have been very strong through some very tragic things in my life. You are strong??? They do not know. How can one be strong when half of her heart is missing, one of her lungs is gone, half of her soul and spirit are gone… And the other half that remains is so deeply wounded.

  156. WhatHappening i’m new to this, I stumbled upon this I have found It absolutely useful and it has helped me out loads. I hope to contribute & assist other users like its helped me. Good job.

  157. I do agree with all of the ideas you have presented in your post. They are really convincing and will certainly work. Still, the posts are too short for newbies. Could you please extend them a bit from next time? Thanks for the post.

  158. Marrry… i lost my elder brother on 22nd march 2018. You can talk to me

  159. My mom passed 2/3/18 of undiagnosed Alzheimer’s. She was not diagnosed until 2-3 weeks before she died. She eas 65. Im a ONLY child and 42. Her 2nd husband passed in 2004 of a stoke and we did not know. We thuoght it was just a flu since he had flu like symptoms. We missed the arm not being able to lift up.

    I got one person that BELIEVES that she is doing good by telling me to “Pray” and “read your bible”. Im not even a Christian anymore and this person just keeps on saying this stuff and it does not help me.

    Anogher one says “Time heals”. No it does not. I miss my mom everyday. Sometimes my days ate good. Some very bad. Day AFTER Easter wss bad. Mothers Day im with a friend and mother. I imagine the day AFTER mothers day will be very hard for me.

    And ppl expect you to be all gine and happy like nothing ever happened. Well…Let’s welcome anger in shall we? May be if that person lost their brst friend and mother abd was her catetaker of 2 lsst years….may be they’d be more understanding. You dont f’ing get it until your mother dies.

    No one gets it.

  160. I lost the love of my life on January 26,2018 he had turned 55 on Jan 13. The dearest kindest man I have ever known. I was married to a Monster for twenty years then alone for 13 years before finally agreeing to date him hesitation being my strong suit. I had four years , one and and half married to the best man anywhere before god took him home. I am so thankful for the people I grew up with it Oregon who truely understand.

  161. My mom died on 22 March 2018 and I’m lucky to have a supportive extended family– but I’m an only child and none of my cousins (all older with families of their own) or friends have lost a parent. I feel changed, older, and have missed her since the moment my dad called to tell me. I keep telling myself that at least I’m 24 — because I knew two girls that lost their mom’s at 14 and 16, so at least I had her until 24, right? But it still feels unfair and too soon. I want to talk to my friends about it, and I do to some extent, but the harder stuff.. I just feel like they won’t get it? The things people describe about grief, the things on the list like “It’s worse than you imagined”, they’re things you can’t understand until you go through it–and I wouldn’t wish this kind of experience on anyway. I’ve been consoling myself with knowing that my mom passed before her parents, so at least she never knew what this feels like. I have plans to speak to a therapist but I still get these flashes of, ‘you don’t understand, you don’t understand, this runs so much deeper than you know.’ My mom would have turned 50 this May.

  162. Some people will confuse your grief with negativity.

  163. I buried my best friend, soulmate, and husband of 28 years on March 5, 2018. He died two blocks from my worksite in a horrible car crash, coming to pick me up from work. He was only 54. I was not allowed to see his body until the funeral service; the funeral director and my father said there was too much damage, I would regret seeing him like that. My brother had the car towed away, our brand new sports car, and I never saw it. My dad and brother said it would be too traumatic. I can’t stop crying. I don’t feel like I’ve had any closure at all. And everyone around me is pushing me to pack up his things. I can’t even move his toothbrush! I cried for hours after having to wash the glass he left on his nightstand because it was growing mold. Now I want to talk about my husband, and family members think I’m being morbid, we shouldn’t talk about the dead. Oh, excuse me, we can’t say “dead”. Has anyone else gotten angry at platitudes well-meaning people spout? I’m sick of hearing, “Time will heal you.” “So sorry for your loss.” “Be thankful for what you have.” I even had one friend say, “Aren’t you glad you can do what you want now?” No, I want my husband back. I visit the cemetery every day, and my brother told me I needed to stop doing that. Nobody understands the depths of my grief; he was the greatest thing that ever happened to me. Will anything be right ever again?

  164. My partner broke up with me,but with the help of ___dr_mack @ (Yahoo). com my partner came back

  165. I wish someone had told me I would feel like a puzzle piece in the wrong puzzle. I don’t fit in with married people or single people. I also wish someone had warned me of this whole new culture of widowhood. Some wives act weird when I speak to to both wife and husband. I was told it’s because I’m available. Please…if I didn’t want him then, I definitely don’t want him now! (although it is quite hilarious to see the reactions). I wouldn’t wish this type of grief on my worse enemy. I am thankful for this post and appreciate all of the comments. They have helped me!

  166. I lost my Dad on 28 April 2014 I know he had been really ill but he seemed to be defying all medical people and just kept going. Then suddenly he wasn’t there anymore. I got the phone call from 2 of my 3 sisters, the other one wasn’t speaking to them so I had to phone her. I tried to make sure she wasn’t alone but she lied to me so then I had to worry about her while trying to ignore my own pain and disbelief. The next couple of weeks went by in a blur. I live 300 miles away from all my family so had to leave the arrangements to them, I am the eldest so I was Dad’s next of kin but had to take a step back. Arrangements couldn’t wait til I got there (I have my own family I needed to organise). When I finally got there I then became mediator between sisters and our mother (who divorced Dad in 1990). The funeral was a nightmare ( a bit like at weddings when you have to be careful who sits next to who) 1 sister didn’t come in til we were all seated she refused to travel with us as a family, she then left before the end we only realised she was there because my daughter happened to spot her. Since then I haven’t heard from any of them. I know we all grieve in our own way and at our own pace but I have spent the best part of my life being peace-maker I can’t do it any more. My mum has not once asked if I am ok she hasn’t tried to help I know she divorced him but I didn’t realise that meant she had divorced me too. I was always really close to Dad while my sister was closer to Mum I know they have always spent a lot of time together and I assume they still do. I think what I am trying to say is that I came to the conclusion that I don’t need them in my life I have an amazing husband and 3 wonderful kids it would be lovely to share my life with my mum and sisters but honestly I don’t need the hassle of trying to remember who is talking to who. I still miss Dad every day even though when he was alive we could go for weeks without speaking at least he was there at the end of a phone. I wish it was still that simple.

  167. While initially I needed & had the love & support of great family & friends….I find I need peace & solitude in equal if not more amounts.
    My husband died after 4weeks/5 days of misdiagnosis…a painful, horrid death. 3 months after I took sepsis and was found to have a lung tumour and massive heart problems due to a congenitive aortic valve which had never been found. My Mum had died at 32 with kidney disease…i was 9, my sister 2 and brother 11. I became Mum…4 years later , living in a troubled N.irish village our home was struck by a rocket and blown up…just my sister & I were in there & escaped with minor injuries although I had to kick the panels out of the front door to escape as back was on fire and ran carrying sister of 6 about 200 yds to my Aunts house while rockets & shooting were ongoing for 12 minutes. We were rehoused about 3 miles away and I knew no one, Dad , bless him spent all his time working to keep us..at 15 I met my husband/lifesaver….I’ve had a lobectomy re-lung tumour and no treatment needed and on june 22nd had an 9hr heart surgery ..new mechanical valve 3 grafts and aneurysm repaired…still one more heart surgery to go ….I would not have had any of this treatment but for my 5 kids and now 6 g’kids but continue to feel I just should have gone to Malachy…life seems empty and pointless…I thought loosing Dad 7 yrs ago was tough but this is hell….

  168. I wish that you could report spam comments. I enjoyed reading this list! Thank you for your time and effort you put into this!

  169. After reading all these messages I don’t feel so alone in the process of grief. Its something I have never experienced in my life before and certainly a life changing experience. My Mother died four months ago now and I miss her so terribly. Although she was old and her death was inevitable, the loss and grief goes deep into the core of ones soul.

  170. We just had the funeral for Daddy 1 week ago (a Saturday- Feb 24 2018). He was barely 52. I am the oldest of the 3 children- 33. My dad died unexpectedly while in the shower- he had a Tonic Clonic seizure. Among some other pieces of advice I will mention: If you are the “bearer of the worst thing to tell a loved one they just lost their father or whoever for that fact, PLEASE make sure they are in a neutral/somewhat comfortable place and not alone. I was at my DDS when my grandma called and told me. I was just about to get work done and letting novacain set in. I passed out for a second and came to screaming “Noooo Daddy!!!” in a corner of the cubicle. I was all alone, feeling judged and hyperventilating. I had to have my husband come get me. The whole next 4-5 hours I kept telling people it had to be a mistake and he’s going to come back to. So then I had to start the planning of the funeral. I pretty much stayed awake from that Tuesday night til I crashed that Saturday evening. I was also avoiding sleep because I didn’t want to wake up to the reality. My Dad was my BBF. The first man who loved me, and adored me. We were so close that we would talk on the phone for hours 3-4 times a week and constantly fb message. He ended up receiving over 300 guests. He was much loved. He was a knockout-rockout musician of many instruments and sang better than any country singer, maybe only rivaling Garth Brooks. And he could rock the house, impressing the most bitter critic doing Skynyrd lead vocals and electric guitar. So Tuesday’s Gone with the Wind, and forever will be. I’m still numb. Have barely cried since the funeral. But I know the thunder is rolling and the storm is due very soon. God bless each and every one of you. If I didn’t have Jesus in my life, I could’ve picked up a needle or something… Thank you Heavenly Father. Dad, I know you’re going to usher me to The Kingdom when it comes my time. 1 last piece of advice: kiss your closest and hug hard and every chance you get tell them how much you love them.

  171. My husband died two years ago, it was his 38th bday. It was ruptured brain anuerysm, i only had 9 hours with him at the hospital. I was just 29 back then. Two years later, hid clothes are still hanging by the closet, his bathroom toiletries are at pur cabinet, some of his things are still neatly packed just they way that he had left it. There are days when it feels like you’ve got it figured out. But most days are just too painful, i would talked to him inside the car and would visit his grave everyday.
    It feels like i will never ever stopped grieving, its like i always end up on the day that he died. There’s always that feeling of hope, of despair that maybe, just maybe no matter how impossible it may seem, he will come home again.

  172. I lost my husband on 1-7-18. He came in to my life 15 years ago after the trauma of an emotionally abusive first marriage and the subsequent parental alienation of my son towards me, fueled by lies and deceit. My second husband gave me love, comfort, and helped me renew my trust in others and rebuild my self-esteem. He had a stroke in bed next to me at 9:37pm – we rushed him to the hospital and thought the stroke was resolving – but five days later, on a ventilator, he passed away.

    My grief counselor has become the most important person in my life. I feel lost and untethered. I have functional days and very very bad days. I am having a hard time adjusting to this “new normal.”

  173. No one on this earth can trigger you like your siblings can.
    -Stephen Kellett

    My brother passed away in November of 2017. Sometimes I feel like I cannot think anymore…I wish I could talk to someone about how I feel but find it hard. I really appreciate reading the comments on here, thank you all 🙏🏽

  174. I lost my stepdad in on 11/18/2016 and then lost my mom on 4/2/17. I lost almost all of my family members after my mom passed. I have very few people left in my life. People I thought would be there with me and for me walked away. I feel like I am a different person now because of my grief. Every day is a struggle. This list helped me realize that its ok to be the new me and that some days are going to be awful and that is also ok.

  175. I wish that I could learn how to cook for 3 instead of four.

    My son had gotten a girlfriend at 14 and I remember my disappointment and the lectures about unprotected sex and how having children at an early age can halt your dreams. Now, I wish there was a child so that I could see my baby’s face every day.

    I wish that I had one more day.

  176. Today was a “good” day for me – the first that I can remember. I actually woke with gratitude in my heart and on my lips. I lost my son 10/23/17 to suicide and I just feel…cleaved in two. My heart and my stomach hurt so badly for weeks, and my only wish was to go be with him, in spite of having 4 more beautiful, deeply loved children. I will never, EVER, get “over it” and no one can replace the loved one we lost. I do believe I will get on with life, and that there is more joy to be had. In the meantime, I am just “riding the waves” one day, sometimes one moment, at a time. God bless us all who love – and who grieve – so deeply. The Lord is close to the broken hearted.

  177. You should add to the list the fact that it is common for all of your friends and family to ignore you when you are grieving, expect you to get over it soon, and will never be there for you.
    Seriously, the silence is so much more painful than the loss.

    • I know what you mean…I feel the same at times

    • God this is the truth. Expect to feel “fooled” by all the people in your life that you thought cared because they don’t really. There are only a handful of people you find out “really care” and they are usually only the people who actually live in your house.

  178. Do not be surprised if in the period before, and for a while after, the death you find yourself saying and doing things which are very unusual for you and which you later regret. This is your sub- conscious going haywire whilst it tries to adjust to the new circumstances in which it finds itself. It is not you. Eventually you will return to something like normal but it will be a new normal. You will truly be a different person – kinder, gentler, warmer and more understanding with other people. In my own case I even smile at babies and often get a smile back – a wonderful experience.

    I like to think that the spirit that was once my wife is now part of me. Two souls in one body is a comforting thought as I face the future alone.

  179. The depth of your grief cannot be measured in proportion to your relationship to the one you lost…mother, father, sister, brother, friend, spouse, or any other loss. You will grieve more for some losses than for others, and for different reasons. I lost my sister recently, suddenly. She had a stroke while we were walking down the street. No health issues, no warning. She was 57. It’s like half of myself died and half is still walking around and it is so impossible. and horrifying. I can’t understand a world where she isn’t in it. How do you keep going with half a self?

  180. So many people grieving on here. Grief is infinite. My mother was killed by hospital negligence. My daughter was almost killed by hospital negligence. I watched them both. I do not have PTSD or flashbacks, but I am so angry. This is turning on my family. I do not want the company of anybody. I am strung out. My nerves are shattered. I have to look after a lot of people. People look to me, they depend on me. So tired. I pretend a lot, but that’s running out. I will not go for counselling. One size fits all, a bloody insult. I will not go to the doctor and take his knockout tablets. Besides, I don’t trust them. They are an uncaring breed. I don’t want any body’s help. My thoughts are more and more in the bad times. When you witness death, or dying, it’s terrifying, but you have to be brave for your loved one. Your guts are knotted and your head is screaming. You are pleasant with people. I could write forever. There is more and more and more. I don’t want to make myself better. Why is it up to me? I haven’t done anything. I just want to be left alone – to wallow. I am lost to this, and I don’t actually care. What does anybody know? They are not me. I don’t want anybody really. If they could all be just fine, because I worry, but just leave me alone. Grief is terminal.

    • I lost my home and business in hurricane Irma in September. My mother died unexpectedly 2 weeks ago. We suspect medical malpractice, but await the autopsy report. My invalid father will likely have to go to a nursing home, which breaks my heart, as Mom cared so lovingly for him in their home. Your words express my feelings exactly. I thought I was doing quite well with my material losses, after all, things can be replaced. But since Mom’s death, I am having trouble processing what has happened. I believe I will get through this, but right now it seems utterly insurmountable. Thank you for expressing so accurately what I am feeling.

  181. I lost my life partner on Christmas Eve/morning. VERY suddenly and unexpectedly. One minute talking and 15 minutes later I went to check on him outside and found him. He was only 39 years old, and was very active and healthy. We had no clue that his asthma was even close to as serious as it turned out. We weren’t married yet, so after the paramedics, police, and the medical examiner left and took him (hundreds of miles away because we live in the middle of nowhere), I was completely cut off from any communication about what was going on. I didn’t get to make any decisions, was left out of the obituary as if I didn’t even exist. And his memorial won’t be happening until May. I am even still waiting for his ashes to arrive (there was a mix up with the address). And am also still waiting to be able to retrieve his personal effects. Anyways I am having a VERY hard time accepting, even believing that any of this is real. I have not said “goodbye” in any way. And every time I wake up I have to remind myself that it happened. I find myself waiting for him to come walking through the door several times during the day and night. I don’t know how to make myself accept that he is really not coming home. And I am stuck, I have a hard time even leaving our bed because I feel like he is with me there. His presence is so strong there it’s easy for me to allow myself to keep telling myself he will be bacc. Any advice on how to begin even talking the smallest steps in beginning the process of grieving? I am so lost, and unsure, seems like I am unable to take even baby steps without him.

    • The heartbreak and the pain never goes away, you just eventually find a way to live with it, but it takes a long long time. Allow yourself the time and the ocean of tears that comes with the loss, these do let you start to heal even although it does not feel like it. They come back again and again and each time they are another step in the grief process. But you can only see that when looking back, I personally have found that it never ends, it is always there.

      For me time does not heal, it just lets me find a way to live with the loss. I have also learned that asking for help to cope can be very valuable. Not just from the help received but the fact that you reach a stage of even able to ask for help is another step to coping. Whether it be from your GP or counselling or speaking to a friend, don’t avoid asking for help if and when you need it, sometimes coping alone is just not an option and is not going to work no matter how hard you try.

      Everyone is different, but grief can’t be rushed.

    • Cassidy,
      On May 11, 2015 I lost my fiancé, Mike. He was only 36 and it was the day before my 33rd birthday. He was healthy and doing great. We were about to move into the next chapter of our life together and had started talking about trying for a baby. I woke up very early in the morning to find him getting ready to go have coffee with a friend. He told me he loved me, kissed me, and told me to go back to sleep. I remember going back to sleep thinking that when I woke up again he would be back from his visit with his friend and we could start our day together. Didn’t turn out that way. I woke up to my cat jumping on me trying to wake me up and I thought he wanted food but he was jumping on me for a different reason. I found Mike only if you feed away for me and he was gone. He had faulty heart valve. I can only imagine the pain that you’re going through right now but if it’s anything like the pain that I went through and continue to go through every day…I’m so sorry. No one should have to face this kind of torture and you said that you felt so alone. I was surrounded with people but felt completely alone in my own way. They didn’t understand me and they thought I just needed to get over it. That of course only made things worse. I wish that there was something I could say or some advice I could give you to make the pain go away. If you’re anything like me, even if I could have made the pain go away I wouldn’t have because the pain kept him close. It’s been over 2.5 years and memories are fading. I have gotten used to the fact that he isn’t next to me when I wake up (which rarely happens because I have suffered from severe insomnia since he passed). Forging a new path, one that is different from the path we had planned together has been necessary but excruciatingly painful. The only thing that has gotten me through is knowing with all my heart in some way, he is still here with me. He promised me that he’d never leave me and I still believe him. If you are open to it, I promise you that your partner is with you too. It’s not the same and it doesn’t make it ok but for me at least, it is the only thing that has kept me going. I’m so sorry for your loss my heart breaks for you. I know that you don’t know me, but I’m here for you if you ever need to talk to someone who understands more than most. If you ever need anything please don’t hesitate to reach out.

      • [email protected] there cane across this helpful site and found your reply to someone offering your help I would love to take you up on it I’m in need of a friend who understands I’m grieving and I don’t know how to live without my husband

    • Cassidy,

      I’m so sorry for your loss. I too lost my life partner. We were together 12 years, raising 3 children, and we had so many dreams and plans. He died suddenly 2 weeks ago at age 40. Nothing feels the same. We were engaged but not married so I too found myself amounting to nothing when it came to and comes to decisions. I had to ask his estranged brother for permission to make the funeral arrangements. Everything has been a mess and I have been fluctuating in my moods trying to understand why this happened to us. Now I feel numb in a very closed off way. I don’t know what I believe in anymore because everything I thought and believed has been pulled out from under me. I think it difficult to find others who truly understand what this kind of loss feels like. Just know you are not alone.

  182. When my sister died I suddenly became very affraid of of death, and of not having enough time to acheive things in my life, also it’s so hard watching people move on with their lives as if she didn’t exist. And as already said it is so hard when people in your life do not know the person you lost, it only adds to the feeling of their existance disappearing as if they were never there. Also I have a lot of dreams or thought and worries (especially at might when i’m trying to sleep) about those I care about most getting hurt. I’m always scared I’ll lose them too if I don’t keep them close enough and protect them.

  183. Lost my boy in a motorcycle crash Thanksgiving weekend 11/25/2017. He was 2 weeks shy of 22. Still learning the grieving process but someone should have told me that having photos of your loved ones from the past show up randomly on Facebook, etc are shocking and can trigger huge emotions. It is much better to have photos of your loved one in planned “safe” places that you can see.

  184. We lost my father on the 25th of September at 00:45.
    I was with him to his last moments, I don’t think he was suffering.
    My mother lives with me, I’ve dealt with everything for her and sorted out her pension etc…
    I was ok, I was too fine I suppose, I cannot cry, I found smoking pot has helped a little, though I only have a little every now and then.
    Suddenly I’ve become really depressed and don’t want to get out of bed.
    I took a week off work and that was the result, depression and anger.
    I called my gp and he told me to call the local cancer charity as they do counselling – they are over subscribed so I was told to call someone else, who never returned the call.
    I’m writing this from my bed, I got up and just went back to bed.
    I feel so confused and low, I had one day back at work then a day off, work seems to pull me out of this.
    Anyone who can help, please help.

    • I hope you’re doing ok Amanda? It’s an awful time. I would encourage you first to remember your thoughts are thoughts and so don’t focus on the big picture all the time or try not to. When you wake up focus on getting to the shower. I jump up! After shower I say ok what to have for breakfast? Small things. Explain to work how you’re feeling and see if they can lighten the load until you’re ready to delve back in completely. People do want to help. They just don’t know how to. Only you can communicate that.
      Then I’d recommend going to your local women’s centre to get advice on counselling. Start a fb group or find one for good tips and even talking to someone who’s been through the same. Small steps. I wish the best for you x

  185. I lost my mam on 6th Dec 2017, it’s now 15th Jan 2018, and I’m still hurting like hell, I’ve had no phone calls or anything From my family since the day of mam’s funeral, I feel so alone and depressed, please somebody tell me it gets better, cos I don’t think I’ll ever get over losing my mam, i was there with her when she passed, and i cant sleep cos all i have going on in my head is them final moments, when all i want is my mam back with me, to tell me everything will be ok

    • It will get better. I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my Dad a little over a year ago and some days I still feel like I am missing half of myself and that nobody understands. But, I have found great support online, on sites like this and through grief groups that the local Hospice has. I hope you can join one of those becuase you will feel like you are not alone and that is very comforting. It is hard when nobody calls, or talks about your parent that died. It just stops and that is so hard to deal with. I try to bring my dad up in conversation whenever I can, it makes me happy. The sadness will come in waves and you will stop thinking about their last 24 hours less and less. Happy memories will replace those thoughts as time goes on. Hang in there and be good to yourself.

    • I lost my mom on Dec 6th, 2017 too. I can relate to everything you wrote. I took care of my mom for 5 weeks before she died at home of cancer. Very quick. Today I’ve been reliving the last day over and over in my mind. It’s haunting, all I can do is cry. I know it will get better, but any time alone is just so hard. I did everything with her for the last 10 years. She was the one I talked to and now I have very little support. My dad is grieving in his own way, separating himself. My husband is wonderful when I see him, but between his crazy overtime work schedule and full time school we don’t see each other much. And work… well I was told I can’t talk about my mom a few days after I returned to work. So I put on a fake smile and keep busy. I hope you are healing. Reading these comments help me feel like I’m not alone and neither are you.

  186. My wife of 44 years passed away four years ago after a four year battle with the dreaded cancer. I have run the gamut of emotions, I have listened to advice, comfort, and thoughtful words from family and friends, and, like most of us, I found some solace. The one thing I cannot do and don’t think I will ever be able to do is forgive myself for the many thoughtless, hurtful or stupid things I must have said to my wife over the years. She, like many others, was to me, a life-long supporter of all that I did, a comfort during loss, a joy in the good times, and my champion at every opportunity, but like most of us, sadly, I took all this for granted, thinking because I loved her, that was enough. Now, after four years, apart from the ‘normal’ unexpected outbreaks of sadness, regret and tears, I have realized just how many times I must have said or done something that truly hurt her and I can’t do anything about it. I will always love her in my heart, even though I have learned to live what is euphemistically called a ‘normal’ life, and I have also been privileged to have the responsibility of raising my grandson, for reasons I won’t go into, but I will never stop loving her, and I cannot forgive myself for what must be many hurtful words I might have said. In short, if I could talk to her now I would spend eternity saying ‘I’m sorry’. Being sorry is my burden to bear and if God sees fit to grant me peace, then maybe someday this pain and regret will go away.

    • Dear John, I really feel for your loss, especially the regret of things you did or said to your wife. A life time of regret can’t bring back the wife you loved in the only way you could.

      I lost my son, aged 29, following his mental ill health. If I could bring him back for even an hour, I would tell him all the things I didn’t say to him when he was here. I would tell him that he was the best and most valuable person in our family. And how much we miss him and love him.
      Sadly without that chance to go back and relive our life with him, where we would all do everything right and say all the right words, at the right time, we are all just here, in the present, and there is nothing we can change in the past.
      So, what is the answer?
      John, you talk about finding peace, and that you recognise that it’s only God that can give you peace. I think you are spot on. It’s not a natural peace you need but a supernatural one, which only God can give. He is the one who can forgive our mistakes, but we also, to move on, need to forgive ourselves. We get it wrong at times, but your dear wife ( and my dear loving son) would have forgiven you. So forgive yourself. Thank God for the years you had together. Thank God for your life now, with your granddaughter, Live each day as if you will see your wife tomorrow, and enjoy the days you’ve been given. God bless you.

    • Sorry John…your Grandson, not Grandaughter!

    • John,
      I too learned many things I never expected to learn when my darling wife of 41 years was killed instantly in a car accident not long ago. I would like to tell you just one of them if you will hear it.

      Love is not an emotion. Joy, sadness, anger, fear, all of them come and go; here one minute and gone the next. Not so with love, because it is not an emotion. When it comes, it takes up permanent residence because, unlike emotions, it is not a reaction to circumstances, it is a very real thing; a gift from God, who, being love Himself, abundantly spills this commodity out of heaven upon us imperfect creatures to wonder at.
      The easiest way to understand this is in the love that instantly shows up when a baby is born. Both mother and father would now give up their lives for that which did not exist. Love shows up with the baby and takes up residence among them. The same thing happens when a man and a woman enter into sacred union. Even though they may not recognize the source, God blesses them with a measure of love that abides between them. They can water it, tend it, feed it, and set it out in the sun and watch it grow, or they can let it die. But while it lives, it never fails. See 1 Cor 13 for all the attributes love has.

      The love that God loaned the two of you has gone John. It’s a real thing and it accompanied your wife when she went. She took it back to the Giver and presented it to Him for safekeeping. You will see it as it really is when you go. Your emotions have lost the object of their affections. They bounce off the walls at times because they can’t find a familiar perch. Not just your wife, but the love that God gave you for each other.

      Pain and regret does not come from love. Forgiveness comes out of love. She taught you that. It is not honoring to your wife to live with emotional pain. She wants you to forgive yourself first, appreciate the love you had, and open your eyes to God’s gift of love in many places until it’s time for you to be with her.

    • John, you have very eloquently put into words exactly what I am going through. It must have cost you to do that.

      My husband passed away on 2.Nov 2017 from an excruciatingly painful bone disease coupled with dementia. I am haunted by all the selfish (because I could not emotionally control myself), hateful things I said to him when he was most vulnerable. And yet he forgave me just before left — a simple gesture he had used several times before.

      His daughter said to me consolingly: “He knows you. . . he has certainly forgiven you.”
      Trust that your wife knew you too.

      I have changed since he left. I am trying to be a better person through the realization of all I took for granted over the last 42 years. If there is a heaven, I want to be worthy to join him again one day.

      Wishing you peace,
      Deirdre A.

  187. People will prey on you after your loss. They will attach themselves to your life as an important supporter and shoulder when they are really waiting to see if you get a big “pay day” from life insurance, pension, whatever.

  188. I wish someone had told me how very different each grief journey can be. I expected the same process when Mom died as I had experienced with Dad. But it was so different. I needed a lot more support the second time. It was like the first one was happening all over again. Hard stuff. But it’s been 9 years and the tears are rare but the smiles if memory are frequent.

    • I was told during a grief counseling group I attended that grief is cumulative. I found that to be very interesting,. I also learned that if you didn’t process losses properly in the past that it sort of combines with this one. One thing I did need to do was not feel guilty for not doing it “right” before. I hope you find some happiness in the new year.

    • I have come to realize we were so concerned strong for our surviving parent we didn t actually get to grieve. On top of that we are now an orphan with no parents. It is a very hard process the second time around. So much unresolved grief from our first parent that it is truly a different process and so painful. It will get easier in time, but will always leave a void.

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  190. I dearly loved a guy who was the loveliest, kindest and funniest person anyone ever was lucky enough to meet. I knew him for a few years but never thought I had a chance with him, and my best friend had dated him in the past so it seemed appropriate to admire him ‘from afar.’ Then, one night, he sat with me and talked for hours, and there was disappointment on his face when I went home. It was the first time I thought I stood a chance with him.
    I never saw him again.
    My best friend, his ex girlfriend of years ago, told him and our group of friends terrible lies about me. And that was the end of that. I couldn’t bear to try seeing him after that – either he believed what he heard and so I was a terrible person, or the shame and embarrassment that someone could hate me so much to say such things – either way, I couldn’t face him. So I never saw him again.
    So, 19 years later, in March this year I heard he had passed away in the previous December. I am completely destroyed. I married a lovely man and have beautiful daughters, but I am broken. Broken for a lovely man who deserved the world more than he got, broken for not having been in his life (even just as friends) and able to fundraise, to assist in anyway while he fought a terrible illness. Broken for the time I did not get to share with him. Broken for the promise and potential that did not get to be explored. Broken for the most loveliest guy to go through something so horrible when undeserving others are still living good lives. Broken broken broken. I don’t feel that I have the right to feel as I do, it has been so long since I have seen him. I certainly wouldn’t expect to react how I have. But it’s been seven months now and I think about him ALL the time, I have visited mediums and psychics, I won’t let him go. I think I am being unfair to my husband and children as I am not the happy person from before, but all I can do is honour him by remembering moments we shared, things he said and did, and wish to go back and do things over. Broken. Perhaps if he had married and had children I would not be so deeply affected as I would not – even from this distance – wish to tread on another’s toes but he stayed single so I hold him in my heart and hope dearly that there is existence beyond this life where we can meet again.

    • I stumbled onto this site and your post. I don’t usually make comments to these kinds of post however, your story made me think of the time and the lives that life has challenged. I won’t pretend to tell you whether your male friend did or did not have something sad in his eye that evening when you parted company. However, I believe had there been something there between you nothing would have stopped him from contacting you again. It was not meant to be. Neither of you sought the other and now that the knowledge of his passing has caused some grief in your life you have taken the time to express remorse. I feel sad for your husband and children. If you feel as badly as you expressed then I must surmise that you married a man and offered him a consolation prize, only part of yourself. I don’t mean to insult you but your husband should have all of you. I don’t mean being physically present I mean your heart, your thoughts, your dreams, your truth belong to the man you married. Your children too are being short changed by not showing them all the love that you have for their father. Children learn how to love and forgive by what parents teach them. If you did not give 100% to them how will they learn to give 100% to themselves and their partners. I am sorry you feel so broken and suggest you also need counseling to understand what was never meant to be. Not every person we meet in life will be the best of friends with or to us. Whether your girlfriend was jealous or had other motives I can’t say. Whatever her motives, or judgement is something you have put on her and may not have the same truth you believe. Forgive her, forgive him and most importantly forgive yourself. Either learn to be in your marriage with all your heart or let your husband go to be loved the way everyone deserves to be loved, Completely…. I wish you well.

    • I lost my daughter on January. 10, I was looking for guidance and experiences I can share in my grief.

      Then I chanced upon this post, and my trance got shattered.

      I guess a post can poignant and astoundingly uncomfortable.

      You made me forget about my pain for just a few minutes.

      I hope your husband reads this.

    • I have never left a comment on a website in all my 31 years of life. Your comment was sickening. Selfish. Clearly you have never lost anyone in your life that actually matters to you (selfish) otherwise you couldn’t possibly feel that way about a random guy like that. I’m with the others who responded to you, you actually snapped me out of my grief with such a ridiculous remark, selfish, and I also hope that your husband reads this! Selfish selfish pity party selfish. (You wouldn’t stop saying broken sooo)

    • I know how you feel, because I am in a very similar situation myself. Don’t listen to those idiots who tell you that you’re not entitled to your own feelings, or to your grief, or that you’re a bad person/wife/mother because of it. Grief happens, for varied reasons, and I’m sure you and everyone else here would simply “feel better” if they could.

      My story also involves my good friend’s ex-boyfriend. Like you, I fell in love with him suddenly and unexpectedly during one long night of talking. Unfortunately, I had just moved in with that friend, and she was still utterly heartbroken over him, and I knew there was no way she could ever manage to stay friends with me if I dated him. So I left that night when the tension got a little too high, and I could see his disappointment, and I was planning to somehow convince myself that he didn’t really feel that way about me, etc. My story diverges from yours a little, because he sent me a love letter the next day, and asked me to be with him. But really, I believe that your guy might have loved you just as much as this guy loved me, and he just wasn’t brave enough to tell you. Anyway, I told him no. There was a specific reason why we would never have ended up together, and we both knew it, so I felt like I had to choose a lifelong friendship over a temporary romance. But it was really hard, and I loved him, and I knew he loved me, and I think I convinced myself that I’d get another chance someday and I wasn’t really saying no for good.

      That wasn’t the last time I saw him. We stayed in touch for years afterward, and hung out on occasion just as friends. But it was always a little strained, and we never had another night like that. And then I got married, and we lost touch all together. About a year ago, he died suddenly, and I had grief deeper than I’ve ever experienced, which is still going on.

      Regret is a tough thing, with grief. I keep looking back and wondering what I could have done differently, and I mourn the time with him that I might have had. Knowing that my choices were made logically and soundly isn’t all that comforting. I imagine it must be worse for you, though, because you let him get away due to fear and embarrassment and all the negative things we worry so much about when we’re young. And letting love get away from you; not giving it the respect and value it deserves; that’s a tough thing to come to terms with, because real connections with other people are the most important things in this world. I don’t blame you for your grief. I hope it gets better with time.

  191. This past first year following the unexpected loss of my husband, I just plowed through, trudging along, marking all the monthly milestones, holidays, etc. Somehow, I’d naively assumed that by getting through that period in time, would somehow make things begin to get easier. It hasn’t. You’re just kind of left asking yourself, now what!?! When you’re at that in between place, frozen in time. Past – Present – Future… And how do you move on from here.

  192. I really wish there was a handbook and a neat and orderly way that some people passed over. I had time to address my dads diagnosis. We laughed and cried together every day before. The time we spent together was the best and worst time of my live. I was sure I was ‘ready’ to help him pass. I was expecting something otherworldly, angelic and a beautiful death. It’s definitely NOT what’s portrayed on the media. There was no heavenly light, no peace. And that’s what I wished I knew before. A year on now, and the thought of the way he passed is growing smaller, his memory is still as large! We’re all human, imperfect, and you know, as long as you loved that certain person with all your heart? Don’t beat yourself up. We all have to go eventually. Wherever that might be. Just care, and love deep. Don’t take anything or anyone for granted. Don’t be complacent. [email protected]

  193. Don’t assume that two people who suffer the same loss will get along any better than they did before.

  194. Don’t be so quick to share your sentiments of your loved one with anyone, especially with family. Remember, they are “your” valued moments.

  195. My brother and I took care of our parents for 12 years. My Dad died first after being with us for four years. My Mom got dementia. We took care of her at an independent living apartment complex for seniors where she and Dad lived. As her dementia progressed, so did her care needs. We were both with her each day of her journey. We were with her when she had a stroke and was in hospice for a week. We were both with her when she died. One thing I did not see in the list about what I wish someone told me about grief, was reminding someone that the person lived a long life. Grief is grief and loss is loss–no matter if someone lived a day or years. I would prefer that someone just say, I am sorry for your loss. How are you doing? As a full-time caregiver, there are so many changes to deal with after your loved one dies. I was busy taking care of everything for Mom. My phone rang constantly. I was around a lot of people everyday. We had caregivers helping us, so I had a lot of contact with them. After Mom died, the phone stopped ringing, and the people contact ended. I did not have a full-time job, because I was taking care of Mom, so I did not have contact with coworkers to lean on or to be around. My husband was still working, so I was with him at night. My Mom and I were very close. I treasure all the time we had together. As far as I am concerned, there would never be a time I would want to say goodbye to a loved one, a friend, or a pet.

    • Hello,
      I can relate to so much of what you said. It’s been 2 years since I lost my mom & I feel a great loss. It was difficult at the end, we had aides but I was the main caretaker. I was being pulled in many directions and felt like I was running 2 households. After she passed I felt a short sense of relief because I didn’t want to see her suffer. I almost feel more grief now that time has passed I I miss how we used to spend time together, lunch dates, shopping, etc.
      She was 90 when she passed but until the very end, looked and acted much younger.
      I felt hurt when a coworker smiled and said “well, she was 90”
      just wanted you to know I understand your loss.

  196. i forever be thankful to [email protected] for bringing my ex to me and you can contact him for your help too

  197. Reading about other peoples experiences with grief and death has been helpful to me. Some people’s accounts of how their loved one’s murdered body was found, is almost unimaginable to have to deal with. Not knowing what their last hours were like. I was by my wife’s side for her last hours (died of cancer) and though it was hard to see her gasping for air and turning blue, and standing helpless by as she slipped away, I do take some comfort in having been able to be with her for her last moments on this earth. I have been crying for 29 days straight now, last night being one of the worst. Just when you think you are getting “better”, expect to get hit with a wave that just takes you right back to the beginning of it all again. Another strange thing for me and perhaps others is, that even in my first month of grieving, I have had women who knowing what I am going through, still have decided to kind of get their foot in the door to a future relationship now that I am single again. Maybe there’s something appealing for them, to see a man lamenting so hard the loss of his wife, and they want that kind of love too, who knows. And at first I thought it was nice that someone was interested but I told myself I will not enter any relationships with other people for at least a year. Getting distracted by their advances only made me feel more guilty and disrespectful to my wife, so I made it clear I was not interested. Lastly, for some reason, I keep expecting her to come to me, in a dream or a vision or some kind of way to let me know she is fine. But this hasn’t happened and it troubles me a lot. In the entire past month, I have had no dreams of her still being alive with me, only a few dreams where I was aware that she was gone. My first thoughts were that I will never give my heart to anyone again because I don’t ever want to feel this kind of pain again. That is changing though to just the opposite. I know that one day I will probably love someone again and I will love them with all my being and never take a day or a tomorrow for granted again. All I can say at this point is that if you have a spouse, treat today like it’s your last day with them, because it might be.

    • Dave, I am sorry for your loss. I understand your pain. It is almost a year since my husband passed away suddenly and I still have horrible days. I don’t think it ever really goes away. I believe in life after death.
      Your wife knows how much you love and miss her. She will always be with you. Love never dies. Love transcends. It continues into the next life. In fact you may find that you love her more than you ever did before. I often feel my husband around me. I hear him talking to me. I still talk to him. I tell him every day how much I love him. I know he is waiting for me and I know there is life after death. Follow your heart. She will always be with you.

      Buy yourself a beautiful box. Every time you remember a memory you shared in your lives, write it down as if you were both laughing and talking about that memory. Put the note into an envelope and don’t seal it. Just put it in the box. Keep doing this. Eventually you will have a box full of memories that you can pull out and read whenever you want to have time together. Sometimes you will cry and sometimes you will laugh when you read them. Whenever I start to get in one of those depressed and lonely moods I go to my box and pull out a few memories. They bring me comfort and help me never to forget.

      Find a church that you feel comfortable with. I was raised Catholic but I found myself a wonderful Anglican Church in my community and it has been a great help to me to reach out to god again in my life.

      I wish you well Dave and I understand what you are going through. Just remember that she is always with you, now and forever. Love never dies. You will be with her again.

    • Man, I am going through the same thing with the loss of my wife. You really hit the nail on the head with some of the things that you said. I am filled with so much guilt and everything I do has lost meaning. Can you tell me how you are doing now and if you are in some way coping with the loss.

    • I have dealt with similar issues of men suddenly pushing themselves on me after my husband died. I just passed the 1 year anniversary and still to this day get messages and friend requests. While I understand why some people feel the need to reach out in this way, I was totally unprepared for it. I wish someone had told me how hard it was to have people throwing themselves at my feet when all I wanted to do was cry.

    • I am so sorry for your loss. I experienced much the same after caring for my soulmate who passed away in May (cancer). A lot of what you said hit home and I am thankful you shared it.

    • I was told you won’t dream about them because they are at peace now. I found that helpful.

  198. Something in the future, at some point or time will trigger a memory that will bring you to your knees.

  199. Do you want to donate your organ? We are here to help you with good cash to do anything you wish, Contact us if you are interested in donating your organ. Contact ([email protected]) or call us on Whatsapp Number +918015861823

    • Although I am listed as a potential organ donor, as having become a widow recently, I do not feel this is the time, place, forum to solicit donors. Have some empathy, compassion and respect for those that are grieving.

  200. Read number 38
    Makes the list just what others have felt. Not what will happen to you

  201. restore your broken relationship by emailing [email protected] com

  202. People at work will and do move on, even when you’re not ready to do so. And, they should move on. Which is to say one cannot really depend on co-workers, en masse, to support them through the long process of grieving. Which is why it is important to identify one or two people at work that you trust who can help you through the rough patches.

    Also: Most people at work will be there when it counts. Then, they will move on.

    The aforementioned were told to me by a dear friend and colleague who is a psychologist, and who has supported me through several work-related difficulties. She is now supporting me in the aftermath of my mother’s recent death.

  203. I am sharing this testimony to let the people know about Dr.Mack, I recently caught my husband with his ex girlfriend. Recently, he has been distant unloving and disrespectful towards me. I had a feeling he was going to leave me in no time and he later did this was After 3 years of marriage, my husband left me and never returned. I felt like my life was about to end, my life was falling apart.. I contacted Dr.mack via email:[email protected] com and explained my problem to him. In just 3 days, My Husband rang me 6 times, He came back to me. We solved our issues, he said he was sorry for leaving me, he said he wants us to be together again. I am so happy this finally ends with joy! I feel my heart beating again! and we are even happier than before. My life is back!!!! Many thanks to Dr.Mack

  204. I had a problem with my Husband 3 months ago he was having an affair with a friend of mine that happens to be my best friend, i was so sad that i never knew what to do next, during my search for a way out, i came across this Email [email protected] com, i never believed in spiritual stuff, i thought it will not work for me but to my surprise i got positive results and i was able to get my Husband back from my so called friend, if you are having a similar problem contact DR.MACK and your problems shall be solved,

  205. Thanks. This helped a lot.

  206. I was shocked by how much my willingness to trust others changed. I didn’t expect it and didn’t realize its normal until I read it here.

  207. Remember it’s okay to laugh when you are grieving and it’s okay to cry. If people judge you for laughing too early or crying too long, ignore them. Let your emotions be okay no matter what they are, don’t feel guilty! . And an interesting fact from science: there are many types of tears (tears from sorrow, joy, cutting onions, etc) and they all have different chemical make ups. Tears of sorrow actually have pain relieving chemicals, so let yourself have a good cry!

  208. I wish I knew at the 1 year anniversary of my dad passing I will be living that night over and over in my head for a few nights just like it had just happened. I feel the paid just like it’s fresh.

  209. I know some grievers on here dont like to think 1 loss is worse than another,but HOW
    a loss happens can certainly be worse than how others happen.My teen daughter went out +never came home ~+6 weeks later was found murdered laying naked in a stream.Wouldn’t most of you on here have recurring nightmares imagining childs last
    moments,how it happened(perpetrator wouldnt speak in court}thinking about the rats
    ~+insects eating,etc eating away at her? of course the police wouldnt let me see her in that state,so i never got to say goodbye. If she had an illness +i was prepared and she was lying in comfort on a hospital bed surrounded by family, may be i could cope
    a lot easier with that? or if she had been in a vehicle accident ,at least its just that, an
    ACCIDENT, not done on purpose, so may be i could even deal with it easier even if i
    dont get to see her because of the state of the body.but to cope with this happening
    +seeing the cops walk away with the body bag on the news,(i shouldnt have watched
    it,I know) then the trauma of the trial, the trauma of constant documentaries being made against my wishes(because a serial killer did it)constant exposure,it never goes away,~+on the 10th anniversary recently it all came out in the media again. A lot of
    people think murder wont happen to them ~+have no idea what its like. the only way
    to stop the suicidal thoughts i have is to think of my son/partner/siblings+carry on for them.im not living, just existing, 1 day at a time.

    • Charlotte, thank you for sharing your story. My heart aches for you and your daughter.

    • Indeed there are those things Time may never heal, and there are more things around us that cuts open the wounds than bind them. I am deeply sorry for your pain.
      Grief is a consequence of love, and love motivates. You can live again, for those still in your life, for a purpose – maybe to help those who may right now be suffering as you did – in memory of the one you loved and lost.

    • Michael McstravickMay 9, 2017 at 5:59 amReply

      So sorry for your loss.when you see somebody’s loss which is more tragic than your own,it doesn’t make you feel any better.but it does make you feel united.god bless you.🙏

    • Charlotte, Thanks for sharing you story and being open with your grief. I really feel for you and your daughter, and how hard each day must be for you. Through my own grief I struggle every day with shock and trauma like living in the strangest reality / nightmare, but I try and push on like you for others and the ones we have lost wouldn’t want it any other way. I agree with you that the way someone was lost can have a more profound effect and I have always felt angry that they even talk about such evil people on TV or show footage of private scenes and I’m sorry it’s your story they are telling without your agreement.

    • Thank you for sharing your story. I feel a lot of the same things you feel. My Father was murdered and it was horrendous the way it all happened. I don’t know if it helped me seeing him after everything because seriously you wait for there eyes to open or there chest to move and it never happens. I find myself wanting to find evidence and thinking I’m going crazy but I know it is all normal feelings. I also know that there is a BIG difference in emotions when a loved one dies versus a loved one who is murdered. It’s not the same at all. I’m not going to say sorry for your loss because as I know all to well that doesn’t make anyone feel better; just know you are not alone on all your feeling and emotions.

    • Charlotte…I recently lost my husband. He was way too young.

      The way your daughter died has to be the most difficult thing a mother can ever face. I am so so very sorry. The most difficult of all losses. I wish I could hold you, and take a magic wand and make your grief disappear. I am heartbroken…but your loss must be 100 times worse. My love to you.

    • Charlotte, May God bless you😔 I am so very very sorry for your horrible loss😢 You are right, all grief is so unbearable, but the way a loved one passes does cause different types of grief😢 If only there was a “magical pill” to make this unbearable pain go away🙏🏻

    • My heart brakes for you Charlotte I can’t even imagine how you feel grief of the loss of a child is terrible.i have terrible thoughts about my sons death he tragically took his own life and I’ll never get that imagined how I found him out my mind.im absolutely heartbroken and miserable without him the world is a cruel excistance at times x

    • So sorry Charlotte.
      A true living nightmare. Death is different just as grief and religion etc are.
      No one can tell you how to feel. I just lost my Mum 5 weeks ago and then 3 days ago my stepfather in law. I can not bring myself to talk to my husband as he has lost 2 brothers. The whole relationship with loved one is different.
      I can not offer any advice only a cyper hug.

  210. I lost my parents within six months of one another after they passed from various complications in their resepective health about two years ago now. I had also lost my eldest brother back in 2000, and my baby daughter 3 months before that. I find now that I’ve really just learned to live with all this heartache, as the grief is a real and normal part of the human experience. I have to fight it when it hits and boy, does it hit when it is at its worst, almost like a blackness within and without, but I thank God for comforting me with release in tears, with friends, work colleagues and the like to help me through. It’s touch to receive help from other people when one has been brought up to soldier on by oneself. In the case of my parents, I had cared for them for about 20 years, so I was very much their go-to person for anything. When they passed, I felt like my world made no sense at all. I had memory loss, confusion, utter brokenness and sorrow I am amazed, looking back, I was brought through and able to understand and build from again. But I must say quite strongly that if anyone is in trouble from any grief (and my sincere condolences for all those who have lost here), seek counselling, seek friends who love and know you and are prepared to listen. Fight your own desire not to seek such help, because it will help, perhaps not at first, but over time it does. God bless you all, thank you for this website, it’s an encouragement to know one is not alone.

  211. I was not prepared to not receive any condolences or support from my family members. Strangers have been kinder. They are wrapped up in holidays and the election, yet say they have no time to attend to my loss of my spouse. That is abandonment at it’s worst.

  212. My name is Ricky Victoria from Chicago,I really appreciate this site that linked me to the solution to my problem,Few weeks ago i was here to request for some prayer regarding my marriage when i saw a testimony that was posted by a lady names Lucy… On how Dr ATILA help her to restored her marriage back,I also give a try and i contacted him for help and DR ATILA ask me what do i need his gods to help me with i told him what happened which was last month my husband and i had a little misunderstanding which resulted to many things, coming home late at nignt and also his attitude towards me all of a sudden changed. well i knew something was not right, so when he came at night i checked his phone i saw a photo of him and a lady on bed together and some love text messages they sent to each other, WHICH I EXPLAINED TO HIM and DR ATILA told me to do some prayers which i did and after 48hours that DR ATILA did his prayers,well i was so surprise to see him asking for my forgiveness on how he slept with another lady and some other things he did wrong at my back which was just the way DR ATILA said to me will happen,My husband now show me more love than even before. i will advice anyone in need of help to contact him ( [email protected] ). ….thanks to you DR ATILA.

  213. I cannot get over the death of my boyfriend.. it’s been 5 years since he died and we were together for 5 years… we met when I was 15 and he was 14. We were friends for a year before we started dating. I was in an abusive relationship when we started dating. After several broken ribs, he convinced me to leave. We started dating a month later. 6 months into dating, I was sexually assaulted at my job. He, again, was there for me. After this I began to have severe issues with depression and attempted suicide a couple of times and developed anorexia. Each time he was there and got me through it. After a year, I overcame my depression for the most part and was happy with him and my life. Then his mother, who didn’t like me because of my beliefs, made us break up whenever she found out we were together (we would only break up for a month max) and she began to abuse him.. she had a pill and alcohol addiction. And DCF failed to do their job.. he began to smoke weed and drink (I thought he was being rebellious even though I didn’t like it.. and never pushed him to stop). Then it turned into pills.. and escalated from there. I moved an hour away for college and she didn’t stop abusing him despite me being “gone”.. so he began to use even more. The next year was rough because I tried and tried but I couldn’t get him to stop.. He was two weeks away from moving in with me (he would be graduating and moving with me to go to college).. And I had to leave town. I told him not to drive under the influence because “I don’t want you to kill your self”.. as I was always his ride on the weekends so he wouldn’t drive. But he did it anyway. I wasn’t gone for more than 12 hours before I got the call that he was dead.. and my world ended that day. I felt angry because he didn’t listen, cheated because we were so close to being “free”, sad because I lost the love of my life, and, guiltily so, relieved.. because I knew he wasn’t going to hurt anymore. Every bad moment in my life put together wasn’t even half as painful as hearing the words that he had died.. I had to go on medication and extensive therapy for almost a year before I felt like I was able to function somewhat normally. I met a man, who’s now my husband, and I’m happy..

    But half of me is still empty. I love my husband SO SO SO SO much but I constantly feel guilty when I think of him.. and I think of him every day despite him being gone for 5 years.. I still have nights like tonight where I can’t sleep because he’s all I can think about.. and nothing can calm my anxiety. Is this how the rest of my life will be? I want to move on.. selfishly, I wish I could forget sometimes.. My guilt for moving on from him haunts me.. along with my guilt of feeling like I’m betraying my husband. I lay in bed and cry when I have nightmares about his death, while laying next to my husband. And I’d be lying if I said I didn’t fantasize about what life would be like if he were alive. And I know it’s “weird” for my husband.. he’s such a wonderful man and so patient with me.. but I feel so bad that half of my heart is still hurting when it shouldn’t be.. I can’t move on from all of this guilt..

    • Correction** I was in an abusive relationship when we first met.

      • It’s good that you are writing about it. If you can realize that you provided a lot of opportunity for him to give love during his life, and that you gave that to him, that is the gift you gave and maybe he would never have known that intimacy without having met you. You clearly have a lot to give and to prevent that in your life moving forward would be to deny another person or people of your beauty that you’ve been born with. Let some light into your heart step by step and forgive your husband he just didn’t know better. And you did all you knew how to do. Sometimes life’s seasons are quality not quantity. Bless you and please heal, you should live well as life is short.

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  215. It was a very violent and traumatic suicide with the entire city watching. I found out about it on social media and on the news. And sad down with the police officers and the helicopters and FBI and Special Victims Unit and it went on and on and on for 7 hours before they would give me any information. I can’t even express most of you I’m sure already know the level of this party and Beyond physical pain that I’m feeling and it doesn’t stop. Anger has started to take over lately not at my son but at anything and everything around me.

    • JANA,

  216. I feel that I truly can’t go on. My 32 year old son’s death was February 10th 2016. He left behind five kids and I have the twins 6 year old boys. I want to do everything right for them so they can work through this process but unfortunately I feel like I’m making it worse. I cannot get a grip I am over-the-top loss angry depressed it’s awful. My husband asked me to smile yesterday and I said about what and he said you’re alive aren’t you and I really thought at that moment wondering is that really something to smile about?

    • Jana,

      You are grieving and you have also taken on the role of caregiver for twin 6-year-old boys – this is a lot. I imagine your grief is immense and, at the same time, your responsibility/stress-level/etc has increased. I think it’s natural that you would be feeling overwhelmed/angry/depressed/etc. That being said, if your distress level is increasing/staying the same over time and you truly feel as though you don’t know how to deal with the day-to-day, it might not hurt to talk to a counselor (if you haven’t already). Sometimes it helps just to talk things through and seeing a counselor would allow you to carve out some space that is 100% focused on you and working through everything that’s happened over the last year.

      Now I know you didn’t say that you were having thoughts of suicide, but I do want to be overly cautious and say to you, or to anyone else reading this, that if you are ever in crisis, if you are ever having thoughts of harming yourself, or if you simply need someone to talk to, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK.

      Please feel free to email us at [email protected] if you want us to point you in the direction of specific articles on our site or other online resources. My heart goes out to you. Hang in there.


  217. Why don’t the links on the site redirect? I’ve tried to post articles on FB from the WRG site and they don’t go through. They will work from FB directly though

  218. I see your site needs some unique & fresh articles.
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  219. I lost my wife to cancer on April 28 2016 Maggie was my only true friend for 39 years we were both 17 when we met and enjoyed many happy times together ,the list is very helpful as I don’t know what I’m feeling some days and I can associate with a lot of it I thought I was alone in my feelings but can see everyone who is grieving goes through the same,one of the worst feelings I get is as we have been together from a young age that I have to start my life all over again

  220. i am Emily Luke my heart is full of joy for what Dr Ogun Root and Herds the traditional healer has done for me, i was diagnose with cancer for the past four years, i thought my life was going to end like that, cause i thought there is no cure for this deadly disease, untHiil i came across a testimony of a young man who said that he was cure with the herbal medicine of Dr OGUN, initially i thought it was a scam testimony but i said i must also try this man to see if it true or false testimony. so i contacted this man through his email and he response to my emails and told me what to do, i kindly did what he ask me to do, and he sent me his herbal medicine and instructed me on how i will be taking them daily, i kindly follows the precaution and after some weeks i went for medical check up and my result came out with Negative.i want to use this medium to inform everyone living with cancer to stop wasting time on medical drugs and contact Dr OGUN the traditional healer for some herbal medicine that will cure you once and for all. Please contact him through his email:[email protected] please note that this man is 100% trusted and guarantee.

  221. Am writing this article to appreciate the good work of DR OGALA that helped me recently to bring back my wife that left me for another man for the past 2 years. After seeing a comment of a woman on the internet testifying of how she was helped by DR OGALA. I also decided to contact him for help because all i wanted was for me to get my wife, happiness and to make sure that my child grows up with his mother. Am happy today that he helped me and i can proudly say that my wife is now with me again and she is now in love with me like never before. Are you in need of any help in your relationship like getting back your man, wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, winning of lotteries, herbal cure for sickness or job promotion E.T.C. Viewers reading my post that needs the help of DR OGALA should contact him via E-mail: ( ogalasolutiontemple @ gmail. com ) You can also call him on his telephone number +2348110496023

  222. They never told me my loved one’s earthly remains would never be returned to us or how that would constantly mess with my mind to not have ever received confirmation of death, as opposed to getting a certificate with a “Presumed finding of death” written on it by the coroner. They never said how it would feel when one of the people responsible for doing it (Osama bin Laden) would get to HAVE his earthly remains or that people in his family would complain via an Islamic representative about how insensitive it was for us to “bury ‘the Sheik’ at sea, which violates Islamic law” and then insist that we should have given them his body for a proper Muslim burial.
    I could have screamed a blue streak when I read that. I was happy that President Obama actually responded to it by saying that “burying him at sea was giving him more respect than he gave to thousands of people” and didn’t give in to them trying to imply we were totally terrible for giving him a watery interment. It’s not like there wasn’t a heavy canvas shroud around him before they put him into the ocean, he’s not even going to be eaten by any marine life down there. Not even nibbled, and he gets to have his earthly remains, which is more than I can say for Eric and 79 others who died that day.

    They never tell you that the justice system for homicide victims works for the murderer’s benefit and not the victim of the homicide. It’s supposed to work for people who truly aren’t guilty but it ends up benefiting criminals and not just those truly innocent of the crime.
    The rest of the ones who didn’t die the day it happened (i.e, those who didn’t fly the planes) have gotten even more honor than that. One of the members of Al Qaeda who’s still at Guantanamo gets to have a computer, TV and refrigerator in his ‘cell’ and even gets to grow mint tea in a garden that he shares with another prisoner, a man known for making bombs before he came to Guantanamo. They have 10 million TIMES more rights than Eric and all the others who were killed bc of Al Qaeda which Salahi, the author of the best selling memoir, was OBVIOUSLY part of. Now just because he wrote a successful book while in prison everyone thinks he should be released to continue his writing spree. That’s what he says he’ll do. I don’t care if he promised to join a convent for Allah and cloister himself away from the world after he’s free. He’s already done what he did, you don’t let someone go when he was with an organization that killed thousands of people in one day.
    I was raised to believe guilty people stay in prison and innocent ones don’t usually go there. The reality is that guilty people make multiple bids for their own release and sometimes innocent people go to prison.

  223. Wow finally something that explains grief in detail. This is the most honest and helpful list I have found. I am changed after losing my partner of over 5 years. He changed my life, he was a magical person. Turned my world upside down in the all the best ways. Made me open my mind and open myself up to the world. He had had the key and he unlocked all my potential. He inspired me and taught me how to be better. He was there for me night and day. I was there for him too. We healed each other of past hurts and we both agreed just by the way we felt and how close we became that we were each others soul mates. I talk to him all the time its the only thing that seems to help. I thank him for everything he did for me and taught me. Because of him I am functioning quite well in this world and and I am a better human being because of him. I had no idea someone could care and love me so much to want to better me and make me a better in every way. We were engaged twice for over 3 years. We wanted to grow old together we decided we were meant to be together for the long run. He especially and I never expected that he would get terminal lung cancer with just 6 months to live. His lymph nodes were already affected and he didn’t ever want to go through chemo again. He survived cancer before but this time he wouldn’t. It’s unbearable painful to watch your soul mate slowly waste away before your very eyes day by day. Its very traumatic for everyone especially Steve. He was the one that was dying. He pushed me away because he wanted me to remember him when he was healthy and young and vibrant. But I said there’s no way, I am here for you through thick and thin. And I will be here for you. He was grateful that I was there for him through it all. I definately felt like I was dying too. Any moments of laugher or joy I felt selfish. Got a clean bill of health from the doctor and it felt bittersweet. If only I could give him my health and i would take this cancer bullet for him if it was possible. At times I wish I could just go with him. I didn’t know if I was strong enough to get through this or even survive when it was time for him to go to heaven. Endless doctor appointments and hospice visits. To be honest Hospice is overrated. Sure they drug them up to feel no pain but they are still very much feeling pain and mental anguish and probably 10 thousand other things that I couldnt even fathom. The emotional has to be the most immense pain for the one dying. I know deep down he didnt want to die and there was moments he wish he wasnt dying. I sure as hell didnt want my magician my magical soul mate to die. But no matter how many prayers you say or beg god to spare him. It was his time to go and Steve accepted that. One night I waswatching tv with him and he wanted me to put him to bed and he said give me a hug and Hugged him and kissed him and put lotion on his feet. He kind fell asleep a little bit and then he jumped up out of bed and yelled help. I was right there and he was sitting in his wheel chair and he said give me a hug so I hugged him and told him I loved him while hugging him He whispered I love you back and then his body went limp while I was holding him. He tried saying something but I couldn’t understand it. I believe he was seeing his angels that he had been seeing for about 2 years. I believe they were there to take him home. As I saw Steves lips turn blue my heart felt immense pain like it was dying. I sensed him in the room his soul. His spirit was buy the window, I sensed him. I cried with his mom as we waited for hospice to come.

    I thought the pain of watching him slowly fade away was the most excruciating pain I ever felt. But its a close second in having to go on without him. Grieving my soul mate has been the most worst and hardest experience I have ever gone through. And I lost my mom 4 years prior. I thought that was excruciating but this was worse. Mostly because its different kind of relationship. Its been a little over a year now since steve passed last February 2015. In a weird way in a loving way. I am glad he didnt have to watch me die and have to survive me. Because I wouldn’t want him to have to go through as much grief and emotional hurricane that I have gone through. I am still grieving, some days are better than others, but I surprised myself. I am much stronger than I ever realized. And I am still learning from Steve. From what he taught me and the example of his life and the great magical person he is. I know his soul lives on and one day when its my time I will get to see him again. Thats what gets me through the worst and most horrible days of grieving. My friends and therapist have tried pushing me to date again but it all seems way too soon. And well impossible. And kind of offensive. How could I ever possibly find someone like Steve again. I really just don’t want anyone else but my Steve at this point.

    • Hi Tammy,

      Firstly your story touched me and i’m truly sorry for your loss. My story is very similar to yours…;-(

      Stay strong for Steve.

    • Tammy, I could SO relate, to pretty much every word that you wrote…quite similar to our situation at the time and my predicament now.

      I lost my darling husband Mark, to cancer Dec 30th 2014. We were fortunate to have had 28 wonderfully loving years together…but it was still not enough. I miss him more than words can say. I am so sorry for your loss… and also for mine. It’s a terrible road that we have to walk isn’t it? I personally find it totally incredulous that I have continued on thus far… the space/time since he changing his address to heaven, seems surreal… like it hasn’t really happened…yet it has. It’s odd… I cannot explain it.

      One of the last things my Mark said to me was… ‘I just want you to be happy when I am gone’. It is the hardest thing that I have ever done… and I have not succeeded yet. I doubt that I ever will.

      I got guided to a sign, in english, which said ‘You are stronger than you think’ and I had to buy it. This was unusual as I live in Finland, so an english sign stood out. I knew I was meant to have it. It has helped me so much… just a silly sign! Yet, I have yelled at it, smiled at it, cursed at it and agreed with it. 🙂 I also bought one for a fellow friend who became a widow. We ARE stronger than we think. We also have them helping us from the other side… and we WILL be reunited one fine day! <3 Take care! x

  224. It is my darling Mums funeral tomorrow, I need to be strong for my Dad, they were together for nearly 75 years. I need to grieve but feel selfish if I am not taking care of him. I just hope and pray that the day goes well, and we make her proud of us.

    • My Mom was a photographer. She took pictures all the time of the family. When we were gathered together to write her obituary the thought crossed my mind that we needed a befor and after photo of us. We looked like wrecks.
      There is nothing that makes the loss of a Mother ok.
      The thing is is just being together is enough.
      The shock is so much on everyone. Pass the tissues and hankies, hold hands, hug, drink plenty of water and make sure everybody eats something.
      This is agony. This is what agony is like. Keep breathing.
      My Mom use to say” remember the happy times. ”
      I learned so very much more about my fathers life after Mom died. Listening and being there and letting him be there for you is just about all anyone can do.

  225. Miss V, I hear where you’re coming from–please hear this: as long as you are still present in this earthly domain, IT IS NEVER, EVER TOO LATE, and you are never “too old.” (For life, for hope, for fulfillment, for love, for loyalty, for ANYTHING any human should deserve.) Life is never “winding down” until it’s winding down! Yogi Berra said it: “It ain’t over ’til it’s over!”
    I, too, came from terrible abuse, am also now no longer young, and I’m certainly not out of the woods, but a thousand times better than ever in my long struggle with life. I grew and learned deep lessons especially from a group called Adult Children of Alcoholics. But there were other lesson-givers, too.

    You are most welcome to email me and share stories, & I could do the same, if you want; or I could just listen. I don’t mean I’m this big teacher or anything, just a wounded sister traveler. Don’t go through what you’re going through alone. (Forgive this corny email I use for PayPal, I’ll give you another one if you feel like writing me.)

    With empathy, Sami

  226. Grief eventually fades a little but it never disappears. I have been grieving since 1988.

  227. I lost my only child to suicide. I have lost a husband a mother and father. Nothing compares to the pain of losing my child.

  228. It has been just over three months since my lovely Pete died. He was such a loving husband and a kind, funny, clever, optimistic man. I feel like a little boat that has lost an oar and I am so afraid of the future without him. I don’t think that I can go on without him and that scares me.

  229. My partner of 12 years and I recently separated and 3 weeks later he was found dead at his home. It was an unexpected death and a great shock. A post mortem was held and there is no indication of how he died, therefore an inquest will need to be held. I am totally devastated, despite the fact we separated I loved him dearly and it was a very amicable split. He was gutted that we separated and now the guilt I am feeling is terrible. It is only 5 weeks since he was found and I feel that life has no meaning whatsoever, I can’t see a future and I honestly can say I don’t feel particularly happy about anything. I’ve been coping pretty OK, going through the motions anyway, but a song on the radio or talking to my partner out loud or looking at a recent photograph reduces me to tears. I’m sleeping a lot, feel genuinely like I have no feelings for anything other than my own situation. I’m incredibly lonely but not sure why I feel like that, especially when we’d split up anyway? I’ve had good family and friend support but now a few weeks have passed, I don’t hear from people anymore. It’s been difficult even loading the washing machine and cleaning the house; they feel like major issues. I’m at university in my final year and can’t summon up the motivation to carry on with my coursework, despite the fact my partner wanted me to complete my course more than anything. I’m just in abeyance to anything that’s happening around me, I don’t see the point to anything at all, and my moods are just in a gray place, neither happy nor sad, just existing. Is this normal? I’ve got a dog who is keeping me sane as I have to take him out but apart from that, it would almost be a comfort to never wake up again. I suffer from anxiety (have done for many years) and am taking Citalopram which helps, and I’ve had counselling and CBT for issues from my childhood. I’m wondering if the medication is making me almost ’emotionless’. My partner was a very positive person and I know he’d be looking down at me telling me to pull my finger out and live my life but I’m just not bothered whatsoever. I feel as if I’ve reached an impasse that I’m finding impossible to cross.

  230. Your loved ones remain a part of you. What part of you is your choice. The memory can be a spring of gratitude for the love and time you shared or can be a fountain of bitterness and pain for what is gone.

    -paraphrased from Richard Paul Evans

  231. “When we bury someone we love, we must also bury a part of our heart. But we should not bemoan this loss. Our hearts, perhaps, are all they can take with them.” — Richard Paul Evans

  232. Don’t worry about trying to heal the hole in your heart. That may be God’s way of keeping your connection to your loved one.

  233. I lost my husband suddenly 22 months ago yet still feels like yesterday-I am lost without him I don’t recognise myself anymore he was my soul mate my best friend I still wake up and reach across to hold his hand and then reality dawns he’s not there.Iam scared to walk alone without him and today I feel caged by grief just when I thought I was doing better its taken hold again-it won’t let go the pain takes my breath away I panic no-one there I am alone me and grief and the fear this is my life now-we used to laugh and his smile sealed our 40yrs of love and when he died suddenly in front of me I lost our world the only one I knew that moment we both died!!Who do I see when I look in the mirror and see a stranger with sad eyes what should I do where should I go without you there’s no sign posts no map to guide me I keep looking for a sign I keep asking please help me find a way??????There’s no time limit to grieve and only those who have walked the same walk and understand not our friends who promised to be there then cross the road or don’t call they are not my friends anymore new ones appear and just know -one day I hope we shall meet again and hold hands until then I reach out……….

    • You’re right. There is no time frame for grief, and don’t let anyone tell you differently. I’m suffering a similar loss, and I feel that the people around me are getting tired of hearing me grieve and not seeming to make any progress toward healing. It sounds like your husband loved you dearly, and you had something I can only hope for some day. If he could communicate with you from Heaven, what do you think he might say about your grief? I believe he’d say something loving and comforting. I believe he’d say “Live for both of us. Live the dreams and the adventures we planned together but I wasn’t able to. Someday we’ll talk about them and laugh about them when we’re together again. And, I will tell you how proud I am and how happy seeing you happy again made me. If someday you find someone to share these things with on Earth, that’s okay because in Heaven those things won’t matter. Our God is infinite, and He has a plan for everything. But until then, live for both of us.” I can almost hear him saying it. He sounds like a wonderful man, and I’m sorry you lost him too soon. I hope this helps.

  234. One thing that should be added to your list is the fact that when we lose loved ones we lose others too. I had close family and friends I believed would stand by me no matter what. The reality is those more associated with your loved ones don’t stick around. I lost my son after a two and a half year battle with a brain tumor. 5 months later I lost my husband from heart failure. My daughter in law, whom I love very much, has since moved on and I am happy for her. She is sharing her life with her family and her (nice) new boyfriend’s. I don’t begrudge her that but it seems the only thing we have in common now are the grandchildren. I feel I have l lost her too. Also, my son and daughter-in-law had a lot of friends I considered friends of my husband and I as well and I rarey, if ever, see them. My husband had a large family I had been close to and part of for over 40 years. When he was alive some of his sisters and I were inseparable. Now that he’s been gone two and a half years they don’t call although I call them occasionally, and we don’t go places together.I am not the type to cry all the time or wallow in self pity around others so I don’t know why this has happened. I have another son and he’s not handling his grief well either. He is recently divorced so in a sense I have lost two daughters in laws. My grandchildren are my only happiness and they are involved ,rightfully so, with their friends, school, and sports. i have joined some social groups and a gym and I go to church. I don’t feel like I fit in anywhere. I have also been to counseling.

  235. Thank you to the people here who’ve commented that death is the only form of loss that must be grieved. My husband of 23 years walked out in May 2015. I loved him with all my heart, and his leaving feels like his death, even worse, if that’s possible. I am grieving and will continue to do so forever, it seems. There are good days and bad days, but knowing he could and did choose to leave me still gives me uncontrollable crying-fests and very sad dreams. My disappointment in a man I thought had stonger character and more fidelity is overwhelming. I appreciate the statement that there’s no timeline for grief because a lot of people feel I should be past this, and I’m not. I’ll always miss him and grieve what I thought was a life-long love.

  236. I lost my husband after 52 years together. He died on the 4th November 2014 after a short illness. Family came to say goodbye our son from the U. K. our daughter. But nobody told me you grieve all over again when family leave to go back to their homes.

    Every moment of our life together is etched in my memory, I hear your footsteps coming down the stairs, but you are not there. I hear your chuckle, I look around but you are not there.
    Even though almost 15 months have passed I miss you darling, I will always love and miss you”

    • Hi Maureen, my name is Kay and I lost my husband on March 21, 1994, we had been married for 38 years, we were very close and did so many things together. When he went on to be with the Lord I had so many people coming around bringing food and offering this and that but is wasn’t real to me it all seemed as though I were in another world an unreal world, they were trying to be helpful but nothing sunk in until years down the road. I can still see him walking down the hall way to go take his daily shower, I can still see him sitting at the kitchen table eating his breakfast, I can still hear him in the night, I can still smell him. It’s been 22 years, I’ve never remarried because I felt that when I took my marriage vows that it was forever, and I had to finish raising my two granddaughters and I had three sons that were very loving and helpful and most of all I had my precious Savior the Lord Jesus to help me and walk me through it all, but you never really get over the death of a loved one. Take care. Kay

  237. I wish someone had told me about the “existing” that happens while you are learning to cope and grope your way through the grief. It seemed as though life went from vivid color to merely black and white, and I wondered if I would ever feel anything BUT the pain. I don’t know that the pain lessens, just that I changed. And I learned it was okay to let the good moments in until the memories and love became what I thought of more than the hurt. It’s still there, always, just under the surface. I also think that this list should include: You will hold on to what you need to until you don’t feel you need to anymore. If that loved one’s room, for instance, stays untouched for however long you need it to—good! If you need to clean out/go through their things right away–good! Don’t let anyone else tell you when it’s the “right” time to do these things. Your heart will let you know.

  238. “When your heart is broken and you put it back together…. there are still a few pieces missing.” –Valient Shadows~
    “Grief is a black emotion– it comes in all the colors combined; grief creates a mess that can never be completely mended.” –Valient Shadows~

  239. Am Gabriel Claude from United State, I really appreciate what dr uduga has done in my life by bringing back my girlfriend to me after all we pass through i was not having it on my mind that my girlfriend will come back to me again because of the situation and little misunderstanding we had, so i was thinking of what to do cause i was very confuse, and i was broke, and also my girlfriend left, so one day i was checking something on internet when i met a comment of testimony on the site how a great man called Uduga help her and solve all her problem, it amazing and i was thinking if this is real, i contacted woman who posted it and i ask her about the man so she told me everything about the great man, that the man is very powerful and also he is a generous person, so i said let me give a try, really i contacted the great man and i told him everything that happened, he just laughed and told me not to worry anymore, and he did everything i told him to do for me, so after two day later i saw Vivian my girlfriend coming in front of me crying and begging me to forgive her that she will live me again, so i was very exacted we are now together and we are going to celebrate the Christmas and New year together in California, i said now, i believe that everybody are not the same this man called uduga is really powerful, thank you very much sir, if you need his contact, call his cell number +2348073688823 contact him through his email. [email protected]

  240. I’d like to thank you for your thoughts, no wonder why this article is checked for years and I expect it will remain checked regularly as long as love for the missed ones persist.
    I cried while reading it and I’ll keep crying everytime I remember my brother, death of a family member have always been my biggest fear for so many years, and I first faced it is now by 27 yrs old as my brother passed away, he hurt himself to death, the feeling that I could help him to live happier will alway pass by my thoughts, I mever told him that I love him, actually I never thought that I do.
    Its been 61 days nw and I can’t get over it.
    May Allah be with us all.

  241. It’s hard to laugh like I use to. I didn’t realize that my laugh would decrease. I hang on and hope that my laugh will come back.

  242. Thank you for this list ,but no one talks about the physical pain it hurts so much in your body . I lost my husband of 36 years I have pain in my body in my tummy, chest, head and it never seem to go away it has been 8 weeks maybe its too soon i don’t know

  243. You will pull away from those who are closest to you because sometimes its easier and more comforting to be alone.

  244. I definitely agree about not comparing or trying to belittle anyone else’s grief. I once read a self help type pamphlet about grieving the loss of someone close to you, and it said “The worst pain is the pain you’re going through and the worst loss is your loss”. I think we all feel this way. How could we not, when faced with such unimaginable anguish. Grief is not a contest, and we should try to help support each other rather than tear each other down.

  245. My friend died, and nobody told me. We had said we’d make plans, and then I texted, called, left messages for
    3 months, and her message was still on her cell phone, so I figured she was busy. Went to see her. Nobody home. Found out she died while Googling to
    see if she had another number.

  246. I have lost close friends before and grandparents (I was especially close to my maternal grandfather and I miss him still 10 years later), but nothing even remotely prepared me for my dad’s death 14 months ago. He was sick for many years leading up to his death but we were not expecting it to happen when it did. And then 9 days later was his birthday, followed by my younger brother’s 26th birthday only a few weeks later, then my 30th birthday about a week and a half later, and the same brother’s wedding a week after. All these joyous occasions for our family suddenly felt a little emptied without the larger-than-life presence that was my father. I am having an extremely difficult time and sometimes I feel like I’m just not making any progress through this grief. However, this list is unbelievably helpful and rings extremely true for me. It makes me feel significantly less lonely, and comforted. It also gives me hope that I might be able to provide some similar comfort to a friend of mine who just lost her mother.

  247. Sympathy Card MessagesAugust 25, 2015 at 4:00 pmReply

    Great list and very insightful. Some of them are extremely pertinent.

  248. Bang on…thank you…surrounding everyone with love…comfort and compassion…

  249. I wasn’t prepared at all and the whole *** country watched while he died, we have a tape of his dying – and we never recovered his body, which the coroner thinks was consumed by one of the many fireballs that were bursting from the body of the main fire that was started by jet fuel (which burns hotter than any other type.)
    The most difficult part of it has been something I never expected – the loss of his bodily remains so no identification could be made bc no comparison to the DNA we provided could verify his final remains, and he had to be “presumed dead” by the coroner instead of “confirmed dead.”

    On the tape I finally listened to this year, almost 14 years after the death occurred, he’s begging for help, screaming in pain every 7 seconds for at least 3 minutes and saying to the 911 dispatcher “No I can’t breeeethe, please help me!” While they ask him questions I understand, I’m a paramedic myself, but feel angry that they never ask why he’s screaming in obvious and sudden pain. Then gagging, coughing, unable to speak through the choking on smoke.
    The scenario lasts for 5 minutes, then he takes a giant gasping breath and is cut off, although not disconnected, for 2 to 3 minutes. Then he comes back on, says “I can’t breeethe, help.”
    He says he’s on the 79th floor and trying to hang out a window to breathe but it isn’t working. Then he gets on the floor at the 911 operator’s direction. Then they lose touch for the final time and we never see him (literally speaking) again.
    All this happens to him an hour and a half before the tower he’s in begins its descent to the ground, killing at least 70 people stuck above the 80th floor by crushing them to death under tons of building. The South Tower has already collapsed and FDNY’s Incident Commander has no choice but to recall the firefighters in the North tower before they die the way hundreds in the South Tower just did when it fell: by being crushed into death by tons of steel.
    We never saw our loved one’s body again, never saw any of his belongings (one of the surviving relatives had a piece of her husband’s watch that matched the DNA sample she gave them) never received a positive ID to match the stupid DNA sample we gave to the coroner’s office. It bears repeating bc I’ve never been able to accept this part of it – and wonder if I ever will. I’m frustrated with myself for being so incapable of processing this part of what happened. Why can’t I come to terms with and just “get over it?”
    Why does the absence of earthly remains feel this devastating to the survivor? Or is it just me?
    I can’t even read the poem that begins:
    “Do not stand at my grave and weep
    I am not here, I do not sleep…”
    Not without becoming too upset.
    I don’t stand at his grave and weep; I stand at his grave and wonder why the hell so many other people get to have their earthly remains and he doesn’t.

    • Vivki,

      I am so sorry for your pain. I’m not sure I can even imagine how difficult it must have been for you to listen to that tape years after your loved one’s death. Emotions as complicated as those caused by sudden death, death at the hands of terrorism, death in such a national tragedy, the ambiguity of never having his remains identified – these can take a long time to process and I am certain that listening to a tape like you described can bring them all rushing back.

      I can assure you, it’s not just you. There are others who feel the same way about not having a loved one’s remains, especially when no remains have been identified. Your comment has made me realize this is a topic we haven’t written about in depth, but which we should. I’d like to take a few days to get some thoughts and research together and then we will put a post together and we’ll let you know when we do. Not that this can take away any of your pain, but I sincerely appreciate you sharing your feelings and experiences so others who are struggling with similar circumstances might someday, in some way, feel less alone.


  250. You will obsessively think of your loved one, his illness, his death, your life togehter and how you could have done everything better. You will think of these things so much you will begin to wonder what you ever thought about before the illness stuck.

  251. Thank you so much, not just for posting this list in the first place, but for continuing to moderate and reply to comments! It’s always so weird to me to find places to vent online, but feeling as though I’m just rambling into the void . . .
    My brother Russell was 21 when we was killed in a car accident 13 years ago. Some days it still feels like it was yesterday, but those days are definitely farther and few between as they used to be. I have had a lot of trouble adjusting to my new normal . . . I literally had to re-learn how to BE me. I didn’t know who I was anymore without my brother, my partner in crime, my sounding board for the world. It is an ongoing process for me. I am very active in my local Compassionate Friends group in NYC – I facilitate a support group for bereaved siblings that meets twice a month. I have found that talking about it with other people who are going through something similar has been been the most helpful thing to me, as it validates every one of my crazy thoughts, and allows me to be myself, if only for a couple hours at a time.
    I also started a podcast called “Where’s the Grief?” where I interview (mostly) comedians who have experienced tragic loss.
    Thank you to everyone who has shared part of thier story on here. It really is heartwarming to see so many people connecting and reaching out even if it’s from the darkest parts of themselves and their history.
    Jordon Ferber

    • Hi Jordan- so incredibly sorry for the death of your brother. As we say time and again, glad you found us but sorry you needed us! Glad to hear the Compassionate Friends has been a support for you and thank you for the work you do facilitating a sibling group. We spoke at the Compassionate Friends conference last year. It was our first time attending and it was amazing to be there!

  252. That you may feel that you are not grieving enought. That your response to your lived one’s death may feel inadequate and not at all representative of how much you loved them or how much their loss means to you. That you hope one day you will crack, lose it and break down, and are frightened that that may never happen.

    That the rest of your life will seem to stretch out in front of you; just a too-long wait until – you hope beyond hope – you can see them again.

  253. Your point 8 “Death is not an emergency – there is always time to step back and take a moment to say goodbye” is not always true. I travelled many thousands of miles only to miss my sister’s death by 5 minutes. I was allowed time with her but it was heartbreaking

    • I agree George. All those in quotes are reader submissions, but certainly not universally true. Rather, things we wish we had known for our own situation. I lost someone close to me, who was in his 20s, totally unexpectedly and there was no time for anyone to say goodbye. It is a painful but all too frequent reality

  254. My 25 yr old son killed himself 24 days ago. He was bipolar and it had gotten really bad. I tried so hard to help him but he wasn’t willing. He was mixed up with a girl that faked a pregnancy, and cancer the entire situation was like watching a very scarey movie that you didn’t know the ending to but you knew it was going to horrifying. I’m so confused hurt and angry. Yesterday I was completely unconsolable and could hear him crying. Today I’ve exercised and cleaned house. I spent the last 3 or 4 years so worried and terrified of a phone call that came 3 weeks ago. Now what? And people are so very hurtful! Everyone has an opinion or sad story to tell to try to compare or compete with ours! I miss my son! My body vibrates with pain. I’m scared all of the time of everything. I see things that aren’t there and I hear him! And to be perfectly honest I just don’t know if my body can handle this! I want to scream ,punch and claw. I am his mother and I couldn’t fix or even help my son! How do you live with that!

    • Barb, I am so sorry for what you are going through- there are no words. I wish there were easy answers on how to cope, how to manage to get up in the morning and put one foot in front of the other, but there is not. It is often a matter of taking it not just one day at a time, but on some days one minute at a time. I have not lost someone close to me to suicide, but I have lost someone to a drug overdose. I felt so much of what you express, from the pain of others words, to the unimaginable guilt. I am a social worker with experience in substance abuse, why couldn’t I fix or help him? One thing that has always helped me is remembering that mental illness is no more ‘fixable’ by friends or family that a physical illness. When my dad died I never blamed myself for not curing/fixing his bone marrow disorder, but when John died of an overdose I felt personally responsible. It took a lot of time and work to find peace and self-forgiveness, but understanding what was actually in my control and what was not did help in some small way.

      With the intensity of all you are coping with, seeing a counselor maybe an important place to start. There is that unfortunate myth that time heals all wounds. Time certainly changes our grief, but when the intensity is so great, as you describe, a counselor can be such an important support.

      This last thing is going to sound crazy, but you mention your body, wanting to punch, scream and claw, etc. Some people experiencing those things find energy work helpful- like reiki. I have never tried this myself, and it isn’t for everyone, but there are some who swear by it when they are having such intense physical experiences.

      I hope our site is of some support. Coping is so personal, but we do have a lot of ideas to fit different styles of grieving.

  255. There was plenty of time to tell my sister everything I wanted her to know. We had quality time when I spent so many nights with her in the hospital. We held hands and talked and laughed and even sang her favorite songs. But…there’s STILL some more things I wanted to tell her. There’s plenty more I want to say. Now that its too late, I keep calling her work number and I’m angry because she’s not there!

  256. Today we are preparing for my mother’s funeral and I have been helped by all the above comments as nothing in the world could have prepared me for my hurt. It is so raw. I want to crawl into her arms and stay there. How on earth will my children cope when I die and I’m not there to comfort them?

  257. Some friends say nothing at all, and that hurts! I know that grief makes life awkward, but I can’t continue being friends with people who’ve said nothing to me about losing my mom. They send party invites and emails telling me about everything that’s going on with them, and I’m baffled. I am interested to see how others feel about this. Please feedback if you have an opinion, but be kind!

  258. No one tells you how physically exhausting grief is. There is a physiological response to grief that would make you think there is something seriously wrong. It causes aches in your jaw and neck and back. It can be a drain on the adrenal function, cause your immune system to be weaker, making allergies hit harder or other illnesses pop up. It can effect memory, focus and even vision. Of course sleep patterns are impacted. All of this can be scary if you do not realize that the root of it is in the grief you carry.

    Thank you for this list that affirms so much.

  259. Live on , You can not live with the dead.

  260. You will always regret the, “Why didn’t I”. Why didn’t I go to lunch with her that last time she invited me? Work could have waited.

  261. Grief isn’t the only thing you have to contend with. Learning to live alone, and being comfortable with all that time you spend on your own is hard work. Often you’ll feel lonely but being alone and being lonely should not be confused, spend time working out the difference.

  262. Thank you for this information. I just lost my fiance 4 months ago.. I dont know what my purpose and meaning in life anymore.. I feel like i want kill my self and be with him, i want to say im sorry to him since our last conversation ended up badly.. I said something bad to him and it made him sad. I will never forgive my self..no mater how often i say sorry, it didnt make me feel better.And apparently my grief make other people uncomfortable. Sometimes they said something really bad, judging me that i dont have a faith to God.. How can i trust god loves me? He took my happiness, my future, my life..

    • I’m so sorry about the death of your fiancé. First and foremost, if you are having any thoughts of suicide you should talk to someone right away – you can go into your local emergency room, call a suicide hotline (we have the contact to one over on our sidebar to the right) or contact a therapist. Feeling hopeless after a death us common, but with time and support I promise you will find ways to cope. Guilt is a common emotion that so many of us feel after a loss. A few of our posts below may help you consider guilt, regret, and faith and begin to think about how to cope with these complex and overwhelming emotions.

      Coping with guilt

  263. I’m 28 and lost my dad a couple of months ago. I seemed to cope very well, I returned to work a week later. I never realised the downwards spiral I was on. I used weekends to drink heavily and go out and party. I got drunk to the point of not remembering and turned to another man for comfort. Nothing happened between us but I sent inappropriate texts. I have no idea why I did this, I am deeply in love with my partner. He has now asked me to move out and said the relationship is over. I wish someone had told me grief will creep up on you and snatch you back when you think you’re nearly out the door and make you steer your life towards self destruction.

  264. I remember as I planned my sisters (my best friend) funeral that everyone else was so sad all the time and crying. It wasn’t that I wasn’t sad (I was devastated) but I just couldn’t have an emotion. I remember feeling guilty because I wasn’t loosing it like everyone else. I remember looking around at everyone else and feeling like I was watching it as an outsider. As I look back I realized I ended up stepping into the role of needing to be strong and get things planned because my parents and other sister were incapable of doing so at the time. I just remember feeling a lot of guilt and not wanting others to think that I loved her less because I wasn’t a puddle.

  265. Thank you so much for posting this. I lost my mom almost six months ago due to brian cancer. I’m having such a difficult time right now with the holidays fast approaching and not having my mom with me is devestating. But by reading this list, I can completely identify with so many of the statements. Even by just reading everyone’s comments, I feel some sense of relief in knowing I’m not alone when it comes to grieving.

  266. People do try to grief-shame you. Like grieving over the loss of a grandparent isn’t a valid as grieving over someone younger, no matter how big an influence they are in your life.
    The scene from Ugly Betty comes to mind, where that Natalie girl at grief counselling with the character Daniel mocks another girl who was with them for being there for the loss of a grandmother while her and Daniel are there for losing their same aged lovers so she doesn’t know real pain like theirs.
    I didn’t notice it at first but as someone who is currently losing their grandmother to cancer now I can safely tell you 2 things, the pain is very flippin’ real and that is just a downright shitty opinion!

  267. Thank you for this post. I lost my brother very suddenly and I am having an especially difficult time leading up to the one year anniversary. I am finding that I now understand why some people say the second year is harder than the first. In the second year, you won’t be able to say, “last year we did this with—.” In the second year, people expect you to be over it or think it no longer hurts because you are living life and trying to put on a happy face. But the reality is that it is like living with a missing limb- it is always hard but you just learn to live with the missing limb. And some days the pain comes rushing back just like the first day they were gone. I agree with what some have said in that it is important to talk about the person that is gone. It helps keep them alive when you can laugh about the good times. Thanks for the post and God bless.

  268. I lost my husband on the 1st October , he was only 53, he died on a beach in front of me in mexico , its been the nightmare of my life trying to cope with this, I loved him so much and still do, I couldn’t get home from mexico took 5 days, people have been kind, but I living in a nightmare I haven’t woke up from,

  269. 16 years ago my husband passed away. There was grief and much sadness but my memories are happy ones. However, my 43 year old son was recently killed and I can tell you this is like no other grief that I have ever experienced. My life feels completely void and empty, he was my only child and my best buddy. I can’t seem to make it through one day without utter pain and sorrow totally engulfing me. Maybe some day I will feel better, I don’t really know. I pray about it and hope for a little ray of sunlight to pop through but it just doesn’t happen. I know my life will never be the same, I just wish I could get a few minutes of happy.

  270. I lost my oldest son on October 12th of this year. I only had two boys. Thank God my youngest is still alive. My oldest son, named Rich had colon cancer for four years. At the beginning we were told he was only going to live six months. In the four years I saw him battle the cancer and be in too much pain. I lost my mom four years ago and my dad last year but nothing can compare to the grieve I had for my son. Right after his birth I divorced my first husband and he was my only one I could cuddle and hold. I used to sing the song Me and You against the world to him. He was my pride and joy. He was very smart in school and got a master’s degree. He became a teacher. This year he was going to get his second master degree. He got his junior high certification. He taught school for ten years. It really upsets me to know that his seven year old son will grow up without him. He also has a 21 year old daughter who is getting married in April. He was only 44 years old. He lived in the park next to me in Florida. There are days where I feel I can not go on with out him. We used to text on the phone sometimes 10 times a day. I am thinking of going to the bereavement class that hospice offers because that is where he passed away. I was with him when he passed. I had to tell him to let go and his time on earth was done which is the hardest thing I will ever have to do. I try to keep busy I know the holidays will be terrible and his birthday is December 4th. I do not know how I will get through them.

  271. I lost my first husband and my sister 2 years apart over 20 years ago and some days the raw pain is just as bad as it ever was. Thank you for showing me that it is normal and ok to have those days

  272. Hi Misty
    your comments resonated with me. I also lost my eldest son.There is no end to grief. But there is joy in the morning. Thankfully. God bless you and all on this blog. Loss and grief are not measurable by when they occurred or the relationship. Its just loss and awful tragic grief. But there is an end sometime. And joy, one day.

  273. Thanks for this. I can relate to so many. A few months ago I lost my husband. I’m only 24 (we’d been married for just under 2 years) and knowing absolutely no-one my age that has gone through this it’s really nice to see that others have gone through and felt the same things I am.

  274. One other thing: People try to push their religious beliefs on me, telling me to let god handle things, or telling me that I will see the one I loved and lost again. This is Not my belief, and to have someone keep trying to shove these concepts down my throat when I have indicated, respectfully, to them that these concepts are not helpful to me, is incredibly disrespectful and ugly. If you don’t know a person’s spiritual inclinations, don’t try to tell them yours, and if they indicate that they don’t see things the same way you do, it is best just not to talk spiritual matters at all. Most especially, I deeply wish people would Not tell me that if only I had their religion it would make it “better”. To say this to someone is the height of cruelty.

  275. Two things:
    1) There is no “right” or “wrong” way to grieve, or to do anything regarding your loss or your grief.
    2) It doesn’t ever “get better”. “Better” would be, that one you loved so much had not died. But it can, and does, get different. And you become more skillful in your ability to cope with the loss and the grief.

  276. I just came across this page. It’s been 8 1/2 months since my husband died suddenly. I can so identify with these posts. Especially the one about losing identity, direction and purpose. I feel like a walking ghost so much of the time. I felt amputated as well. Like someone walked up behind me and cut off my arm without me knowing they were there. Today I just decided to embrace the ‘ depression’ and stop fighting it. To stop trying to push past. This past year has been a blur and I am feeling an inner pressure to be better, as the one year mark is coming next February. In some ways it is like a part of me has been sitting in a chair and immovable, the months have gone by without me noticing or being inside my body, even though I have done so much this year. I can see the progress, which is encouraging. I can go out, laugh, have fun again. But, the weight of the loss, the grief is like a stone and I do feel I will never be the same again. Free. I feel like a solider marching towards my own death. Not in a fatalistic way, just now friends with death, and always talking to it, him. Yes, to what another person wrote. He was my best friend, husband, lover, clown. How does one get over this loss without him there to help? I’ve become very metaphysical as well. Thank you for listening.

  277. the process of grieving can create more grief- catch 22

  278. Thank you for this list and it’s follow-up. It really helped me. I was having a really hard day, dealing with a lot of anger and stress and tough memories from my past, and I kind of just thought I was losing my mind. This helped me understand that in part what I’m dealing with is still grief.
    It is weird that this death caused a chain reaction where now I’m dealing with a lot of really difficult memories that have nothing to do with the person I’ve lost? Has anyone else experienced that?

  279. Thanks so much for this very comprehensive list. I’m printing it for my fridge.

  280. I lost a brother (Second eldest) 24 years ago and have been grieving since then. Over time you learn to live with it. The 10th of November 2013 I lost another brother (Eldest brother) along with his wife, my nephew (11 years old) and my 6 year old niece. I felt like I lost my everything but not just for myself. My mother is a single parent mom and I cannot imagine how she wakes up every morning. I watched my 65 year old mother cry for her babies and it breaks my heart almost a year later. Nothing really makes sense anymore. Taking one day at a time <3

  281. I lost my wife 2/2/14 and I just cannot get over it. I think of her all the time
    I don’t know what to do.

    • Owen, I am so sorry about the loss of your wife. Eight months is not that long after a loss, so it is not surprising that you are still thinking of her so often. The reality is, after we lose someone the grief often persists much longer than we are led to believe. People often say things like that grief lasts for only one year, but the reality is that we grieve far longer than a year, and in many ways we grieve forever. Overtime the emotions become far more manageable, and it does get easier, but there will always be tough days.

      In terms of what you can do, that is a very broad question and there are many answers. One thing we would always suggest is considering a support group or talking to a grief counselor. Many people are put off by the idea of counseling or support groups, but there can be a tremendous comfort found in connecting with others who are going through the same thing that you’re going through. A counselor can also help with sorting through some of the extremely difficult and painful emotions of grief.

      If counseling or support group doesn’t seem like your thing, there are many things that you can do on your own to work through some of the emotions of your grief. If you check out some of the categories on this website, we have ideas for using writing and journaling as a way to express grief, using photography and other kinds of art, and also many articles to help you understand grief a little bit better. Many people who know about grief are only familiar with the “five stages” by Elizabeth Kubler Ross. But there are actually many different grief models and reading through them may help you find things that you connect with that can help you in your own loss.

      It is hard to know what will work for you specifically, since I don’t know you personally. But these may be some places to start. We hope you’ll stick around on our site and please let us know how things are going.

  282. Thank you for this beautiful list. My family and I lost my 37-year-old brother this year. One of the things I didn’t know was that I wouldn’t just grieve for my loss. I grieve for people I love who lost him too- when I see my parents, sister-in-law, nieces, friends in pain. I don’t just grieve because he has died. It hurts more than I could have ever imagined to watch people I love grieve.

    • Teri,

      I’m so sorry about your brother’s death and for your families pain. I understand what you mean – you care about these people and so of course you will feel your own pain and theirs as well. I guess the best you can do is be there for one another. I’m so sorry.


  283. -the first year isn’t necessarily the hardest.
    -it’s normal to be confused.
    -it’s normal to not believe it happened and to go into denial.
    -your “friends” do sometimes turn against you.
    -People will probably blame you
    -there is a possibility that people “bully” you as their way of dealing with it

    -personal experience.

  284. It says it’s ok Not to cry.. but I think more importantly it would be great to have known. I remember after losing my sister I was at a theme park and almost enjoyed it so much then I thought of my sister and I felt bad for having fun.

    It’s ok to laugh and have fun.

  285. Good list. Having lost my parents and then my son – for me- the loss my son has been the hardest. We have expectations about life and almost all are unrealistic. One thing missing from the list or maybe I just read over it is “the mask”. At some point we all adopt a mask. It is something we cultivate with time so that we can walk in the world and hope no one notices that we are walking wounded. The thing we don’t realize is that it is for us not for others – because no one pays attention to us for that long. They do assume we are better and moving on because our life altering event did not alter their life. http://ofmenandmountains.com

  286. Journeys Mom, All loss are painful and no one should have to deal with this kind of pain but then it is a cold reality of life. However if you want to begin to compare the loss of a child with the loss of a spouse, then it means you still have your spouse. I lost my dad in 2010 and my wife in 2014 and know the difference. My dad hurt. My wife, a part of me, a huge chunk of me died! I ran into this classification of the level of trauma from different things in life on line. Death of a spouse was rated the highest…100% trauma…Little wonder i feel the way I feel. All loss is painful! Don’t even try to rate or classify

  287. I consider grief to be the flip side of love. The only way to avoid it is to never love or care — so — bring it on.

  288. I lost my 19 yr old son 15 months ago to suicide. People don’t realize what they see as ‘so long Iago’s is still yesterday to the one’s who grieve!

  289. I am very happy, I wish to share my testimonies with the general public about what this man called Dr Adodo has just done for me , this man has just brought back my lost Ex husband to me with his great spell, i was married to this man called Steven we were together for a long time and we loved our self’s but when i was unable to give he a child for 2 years he left me and told me he can’t continue anymore then i was now looking for ways to get him back until a friend of mine told me about this man and gave his contact email ([email protected]) then you won’t believe this when i contacted this man on my problems he prepared this spell cast and bring my lost husband back, and after a month i miss my month and go for a test and the result stated am pregnant am happy today am a mother of a baby girl, thank you once again the great Dr Adodo for what you have done for me, if you are out there passing through this same kind of problems you can contact he today on his mail ( [email protected]) and he will also help you as well

  290. my husband and i have been separated for a long period of time, I came across different spell caster and they were all unable to bring my husband back. I was so sad and almost gave up on him when i met a man called DR Lawrence who helped me get my husband back. Ever since then i have been so happy and couldn’t believe it would happen. He also helped me with success spell, Thank you very much i will for ever testify your good work [email protected]

  291. What you may have missed is how you deal with a family who howhard it difficult it can be to say goodbye if you can’t really accept that d lost someone suddenly in such horrific circumstances that there is little visible, physical evidence of the loss. Several years ago a family friend was caught in a vicious bushfire which made headlines around the world. Personally, I found it very difficult to accept. I had just spoken to him a few days earlier in a chance encounter and we all said we’d see each other on Sunday. Sunday never came. It was very hard to know what to say to his family as, although I know they said they’d accepted that it was over, 2 days of not knowing and little evidence I’m sure there was just a little hope that it was all just a mistake. I certainly hoped it was! I spoke to a relative on the one year anniversary and sure enough it seemed as though they’d felt like they’d been waiting for him to come home from one of his many business trips. It would have been good to know how we could have helped this family in the immediate aftermath of the disaster.

    What I did learn was the closure that a body provides and how hard it is to say goodbye when you can’t really accept the loss of such a vibrant person. Previously I had been of the mindset that thebody only served a purpose when housing a soul

  292. I’ve been avoiding the death of my grandfather , my family and I haven’t even brang up the topic .. But I feel like I’m going insane . I see his face in peoples faces at times…. I’ve never experience death before and I’m only 19 don’t know what to do, advice ??? Please

  293. well I stumble on the web site feeling really down.2011 I lost my mom to colon cancer.2012 I lost my nephew,my husband,my 1st grand child. I lost my grandma on jan 27,2013 then my sister jan 29,2013..then I lost my daughter great grandmother then her only child which is my daughter grandfather.And then my favorite cuzzin nov 2013.my sister was 46 went in the hospital with the flu I visit wasn’t home 15mins from visiting her they call and said she died.im numb,ive shut out a lot of family and friends.i cried everyday since my mother left May 19.2011.this year made a year for my sister…now I feel the way I felt when my mom died all alone.im into my bible now..i feel god is tring to tell me something.how do everybody I love and depend on left me.im a nurse and I basically was who everybody come to.i suppose to be the strong one.i scream at everyone and said im tired and im weak and who could I lean on nobody.so sitting in my grief,i realize I have god to lean on and that’s how ive been coping.but I still cry every day fir my baby sister.

  294. Grief means you may accidentally impose all of your emotions on the first person who is “there”. They may be taken aback and leave your life for awhile until they feel you may be “better.”

  295. It’s been 33 years and I still am at a loss for words so thanks for including this message. Might be not right to say but I believe, that at least death would give me personally closure!

  296. That people seem to put a time limit on grief and make you feel like you’re weak and just trying to get attention when you haven’t gotten over it as soon as they have. Namely family. Newsflash…..I will grieve for as long as I need to, even if it lasts the rest of my life.

  297. The opposite of 41. Sometimes it gets better then it gets worse…

  298. My daughter died in a tragic car accident driving home from work one night. she was only 19, and she was everything in the universe to me. I was newly married as well (5) and just beginning a new chapter in my life. The loss of Katie as well as the way in which she died is eating away in my mind. Sometimes i wonder if I will continue on. I never would’ve imagined in a gazillion years that I would lose her. I wish i were stronger. I wish someone would have told me that …i would lose her..i would’ve held her tight and never let her go :

  299. Amy-I can identify with you-after 20 years teaching school I was no longer able to carry on. It was terrible-It had been my whole life involvement-suddenly I wasn’t a part of that wonder experience
    any more. It has taken years for me to find fulfillment in life. I have found it in volunteering at my
    church. I do have a wonderful caring husband. I thank God for showing me love, moving us to a new wonderful place to live & new friends. I found what helps most is to reach out to other people and make their life better. There are always ways-phone calls, cards . . .

  300. The world does not stop just because you’re grieving. You have to learn how to continue on. You still have to be able to work, care for your family, care for yourself. Some days it will seem a bigger feat than others. Nothing stops for your grief. Also, people will slowly forget, and although you’re still very much dealing with the grief, it seems everyone else’s lives are moving forward at a steady pace. It’s OK to still be hurting.

  301. Saw this on Facebook and it felt so poignant to me.

    “Invariably, someone asks about closure. It’s a made-up word and it won’t go away. Do people really think that when we tamp the dirt down on the grave or send the ashes to the wind, we brush our hands off and are done? … The dead are always with us. They sneak up behind us at a party and whisper a joke in our ear. They rise like fish on a calm stream and present us with a memory from years before. They wander through our days and nights like dreams.

    “And over time, if you’re one of the lucky ones, you learn to live happily with them again. Grateful for all they gave you and still give.”

    From http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/tmb-first-time-found-husband-died/#sthash.F29CdeRl.dpuf

  302. My beautiful mother passed away yesterday, the grief is so painful, it feels like it will never end. She was the most beautiful women in the world, I miss her so badly and can’t control my spirally emotions. I hope this passes, she was incredible strong and I want her to be proud of me. I love you mom.
    Thank-you, greg

  303. I just lost my mother in March, I was with her when she passed. I was holding her hand but had fallen asleep after 3 evenings of sitting next to her, just waiting. People said that I was so strong during her 12 days in the hospital-I wasn’t-I was just numb, not really present, except to be with her. I dozed off, when I awoke at 2:15 a.m., I realized she had stopped breathing. I kissed her face, told her that I loved her and always will, I told her she was finally free from her broken body and her constant pain. I told her that I would take care of my disabled brother -I told her to finally be at peace but to please watch over us and to please be our angel. I believe her love for us transcends her death-she is with my brother and me and will be until we are again with her. My heart is broken, I miss her so much, she was a beautiful and strong woman. ” I love you Momma”.

  304. Me and my partner buried our 2 year old daughter a month ago. We adopted her from birth and she was the light of her mommies eyes. I wish we would have known #12. I felt so bad dumping trays out in the garbage. An important thing I think is for people to realize that family is family no matter what form. We got a lot of people saying because we are a same sex couple it shouldn’t be so bad, because she was adopted it didn’t hurt so bad. If someone says they lost a brother, and you find out it’s their best friend, realize they called them their brother because they meant so much to them.

  305. My Dad died of cancer when I was 12 years old, my sister was killed by a drunk driver less than 2 years later. It’s been 36 years since Dad passed away. # 37 is so true. It does get easier, everyone deals with grief differently. I’m just thankful for the time I had with them while they were here.

  306. #57 is very true. Grief can STRENGTHEN your faith. It has for me, I hope it can for you. Count your blessings each and every day.

  307. People will say they are there for you until after the funeral then every one backs away to get on with their own lifes

  308. I just lost my new baby boy less then 2 weeks ago. And came home days later to disconnection letters as we had been in the hospital for weeks. Some of them just said tough luck… Most just were silent and silently said tough luck. And one man actually told me its too bad but that I better pay my bill today or they will call
    me and harasse me several times and day and slammed the phone down on
    me… A few nice people said I should have phoned them and made arrangments…. Like I was thinking that last month when they told me heart failure. ‘right, ok well I better call the bank and all out vendors and make sure they know we are living in a nightmar hell so bills may be paid late. I was in a great frame of mind to set up a payment plan…

    It’s almost funny to think about. Your right. We are among millions of broken hearts and no matter what happens. Or who says to “take is slow” we don’t have luxuries like that. We still need to pay the gas bill when the baby dies.

  309. My mother died suddenly 10 months ago very suddenly when I was with her. She hadn’t been ill or sick. She was the only person in my life who put me first before everything. Although I have a lovely dad his devastation at my mums sudden death have not made us closer. Neither of us can talk about mums death as it’s too painful. I feel guilty as sometimes I wish it was dad who had gone first and that is so bad to think that. My partner was kind of supportive but as he admits himself he doesn’t really know how I feel. We argue and I feel he should understand I will never be the same carefree person I was before my mum died but then why should he she wasn’t his mum. Work and keeping busy have been my main coping mechanism. I hope everyone who has posted here finds there own way through the pain. Take comfort in the small joys of life

  310. Exactly. ……..how did the world not just stop on its axis. And how cruel it ferls sometimes that time ticks by relentlessly. ..dragging my away from the last time I held her little frame

  311. I lost my Dad on May 19th. My Mother was unable/unwilling to make any of the arrangements for his funeral. My younger sister and I had a small service for him. I was the “strong” person and took care of everything. Now that is over I can’t seem to get back to “normal”. I haven’t been back to work and leaving the house sends me into a panic attack. When will I feel normal again?

  312. I have found this so helpful I have just recently lost my dad and after loosing my mam 7 years ago this feels completely different! All I hear is you have done it once you will do it again! I find this ridiculous as every grief is so different. I feel a part of me is now missing me and my dad were amazingly close as I looked after him after my mum passed. I feel like I’m grieving for myself and my children as they are still very young and are now not going to remember either of my parents. I can also relate to the quote about your address book changing I am loosing close friends as they seem to think I should be over it now!! If only they knew.

  313. My husband of 43 years was the only person who “got me”. My life will not ever have anyone who knew my true soul. This is the saddest part.

  314. Strangely , I know how you feel . The world just kept going on & that was a very humbling experience . I just wanted to shout & cry like that would bring my Nanny back. I still pray every night that the lord would let me see her one more time. I find myself wanting people to know how wonderful & how much of a saint she was . Then I realize people all over the world experience the loss of a loved one. I am just one of many & I need to stop it & keep moving forward. Another odd thing is that I have kinda been a slacker my whole life , she was still proud of me. Kept telling myself I needed to do something with my life went back to school & now working. Sometimes grief can be motivation. Thank you for sharing

  315. p.s. number 46 ” People tend to jugde how you’re doing. Watch out for those people”. This one is very useful…thank you again.

  316. I felt so lonely when my mother died. So true…is not like in the movies…I laugh about it in front of people not to make them feel unconfortable and I say that I’m fine, but you know when I’m alone I still feel awful.
    doesn’t matter how much time goes by. it’s always gonna hurt.
    Thank you for telling the truth and thanks everybody for sharing : ) It is great to share things with others.

  317. Ms. Woods,

    Ms. Woods,
    I felt the relief for my mother, after I had been with her during her death. Seeing her finally at peace after 2 years in pain and discomfort, being relieved for her (them) is not bad thing.

    As for my grief, I wake in the early morning really missing my mother. Some mornings I cry, some I just talk to her, sometimes out loud. There is section in town that I just can not stand to pass through, it is close to her home and the hospital she passed away at. This Mothers Day ( first w/o her) we passed by going to her favorite steakhouse of course the water works came on. I have people telling me the time for the grieving process is X amount of years. Blah Blah, I do not think there is an amount of time. Losing my mother is going to be apart if me until I meet her again. Peace to all.

  318. A year later im still grieving for my nan, I cared for her and we had a very special connection and I stayed by her bed at the hospice till the bitter end, there is no timescale for grief, I think it will take me a long time to sort myself out and I will always always miss her.

  319. What do you do when you’re grieving over a person or people you don’t know at all. Never met them, spoken to them, or any form of contact….I cannot stop crying and thinking about this baby girl that died because of her own mother. She died a horrible death that could’ve been prevented. Easily. Yet it still happened. Why?? I wish so much that I could’ve been there. I would’ve saved her. She didn’t have to die. It was also 2 years ago but I just recently heard about it. I have two daughters myself and one is the same age as the girl that died. It hurts my heart so much. I have been crying myself to sleep for a while now. I don’t know what to do.

  320. Grief is inevitable, you can never prepare for the worst, you can be sure that one day it is coming. When it is near, set up something’s around your environment to help you stay a little ground if possible and take each day at a time. Never think you can re-handle the same grief until you know you are ready!

  321. Contact {[email protected]},for any kind of problem you think that there will not be a solution i promise you that you will be a living testimony just give a try to him okay
    he do it for me,and i have a strong believe that he will also do it for you…contact him now….([email protected])

  322. Hi ,
    My name is Mary. I lost my beloved husband on May 1,2014. I lost my mom in July 2012, 2 weeks before her great grandchild was born. My only sibling passed away 25 years ago this year and dad passed away 10 years ago two weeks before my birthday.
    I am a teacher of young children. I took a leave of absence after Easter with a letter to parents that I would be taking care of my terminally ill husband. It was for the rest of the year. When my husband died, there were some parents who expected me to come back after the funeral. My choice was not to come back . Now , I decided to come back on the last week of school for my kids. Is it normal while grieving to have second thoughts about your choices.
    I feel as though I was not able to really grieve for my mom because our wonderful little granddaughter was born two weeks later and within six months my husband was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. I feel between my mom and husband I had been a caretaker for the last three years. Is grief suppose to make you think so much?

  323. I enjoyed reading this, it was rather helpful. I’ve been grieving over someone for 20 years, have been racked with feelings of guilt and what ifs. I’m glad I’m not alone. I’ve bottled up my grief and have never really talked to anyone about it. It’s like a weight that lingers over my head with a fraying string holding it up.

  324. Lulu

    What a beautiful poem – so true.

    At least we all know that grieve is not a unknown road – it is road to a destination that only God can predict and we can complete our journey by holding onto His hand.


  325. Hi Cecilia !

    I lost some one wonderful too and i know exactly what you are saying. The 12th of May marks the fifth month since his been gone and i know I’m facing a long journey . Every 12th of the month i set a balloon into the sky with a note attached it helps sooth the pain. Every morning when i open my eyes I wonder how i made it through another day if all I want is to be with him. We must trust in God just as they did. They are living the dream and someday we will be with them. I will share with you one of many poems i wrote in this time of grief.

    His Departure

    I’m not a Poet or a Writer nor a Artist for that matter.
    I’m a simple woman that cared for a simple man.
    When he departed I was left broken hearted.

    A door was shut a window never opened.
    I was left with excruciating pain I never knew existed,
    for days, weeks, months. Until I go insane is my guess.

    I lost my smile and all my style, my happy wit far
    from being upbeat. I’m not myself I miss me.
    What is happening! I can’t break free…

    Nothing is yours in this world not a soul.
    When you reach happiness something greater
    takes it away and you’re left with only pain.

    Should I go on with this story? of self pity,
    feeling so needy. When did I become this
    person no one wants near. People become
    afraid! They never know what to say they


    They never seen his smile his tender style
    his quick wit. If they did they understand
    why his departure changed me.


    Dedicated to Jeff Muller 12/12

  326. I read this article and it truly made me realize that I am not alone – or stupid or going crazy.

    My husband got cancer 2 and half years ago – he was an healthy, happy, successful person – a true man of God. He lived life to it fullest every day and we never thought anything like this will become part of our happy family life. The cancer he got is rare and not a lot of research is available – Gastriontestinal Stomach cancer/tumor. He had a full gastrectomy – in short he lost his stomach – but the cancer was aggressive and already spread to the limphnodes by the time he was diagnosed. His illness lasted 7 months from day of diagnosed.

    Our family were so shocked and we just took it day by day. He lost 60kg before he died and at the end seeing our father and husband dying every day was a very traumatic episode – he grieved for leaving us and we grieved for loosing him.

    It is true that hospital death is not bad – to us it was a great blessing – as we had the medical staff available that guided us through the process which helped us being there for him in his last hours.

    We are 2 years later – and it is worst than what it was shortly after he passed away. All 3 of us share the same feelings – we feel cheated, we lost our laugh, we miss the love we shared, we feel alone without him and the feeling that you will never be the same…..this feeling is like a toffee without wrapping – it just stuck on you.

    Some days I get up and I just put any feelings in to my hearts “pocket” and face the day – other days I get up and I hardly talk -not because of any other reason than the feeling that my heart died the day he passed away.

    Some days I’ll be somewhere and the tears will just start running. One of the worst feelings is the one that you experience when you realize so much was lost the day your soul mate passed away – I feel vornurable and so lost. I dont tend to tell the world about my feelings – I face them, I carry them and live them – to me each day is closer to the day that I will see my amazing husband in heaven – and that keeps me on the go.

    To grieve is road that you need to take, face it and live it – no shortcuts. Some days the road will be smooth without any problems but be pre-paired for the days that a sudden speedbumps occurs.

  327. I lost my darling mum 8 months ago, my dear brother 2 months ago and my precious dad 1 week ago… I have read all that everyone has said and although I know what you are saying is true, I’m just so emotionally broken..I have beautiful children and grandchild but I just don’t know how to get out of bed each day and I have to at the moment…
    I thank you for all that you have written…so sadly i am not alone

  328. Josephine MilewskiMay 9, 2014 at 4:31 amReply

    “Something new, or different” is never new or different enough.

  329. The hyperactivity that you may experience afterwards as a coping mechanism to take your mind off things for a while or to avoid people. I started a craft business, take weekly dance lessons in styles I’ve never done before, undertook a finance course, and basically struggle to keep still. Then I flop every once in a while because I have no choice. I seem to be slowing down a bit now, nearly 3 years on, thank goodness.
    I also had insomnia for quite a few months, which I had never had in my life. Horrible when you have to go back to work and you are SO tired, but cannot shut your eyes because they burn so much. Grief counselling is a MUST. It is a strength to admit you need help. They know what they’re doing. Certainly stopped my nightmares (when I did sleep) and helped me to deal with the people who said hurtful things.
    I have actually enjoyed meeting new people through classes and my business because I felt like friends expected me to bounce back to who I was before.

  330. Bob, my apologies for the delay in my reply! People so often say ‘the first year is the worst’ but it is not at all uncommon that we hear from grievers that the second year is even worse. For me it certainly was. In year two a lot of the support of others is gone. Nothing is a ‘first’- instead it is just the reality of ‘from now on’. Hang tight and know that you are not alone if year two is harder than you thought.

    Meeting people can be so daunting, but so meaningful if you connect with the right people. Have you considered a widow/widowers group. You may find great companionship, from others seeking the same who also relate to what you are going through.

  331. Jan, I am so sorry to hear about your mom. Your response is very common and you may find this post about anticipatory grief useful: https://whatsyourgrief.com/anticipatory-grief/. Glad you found our site and hope you find support here.

  332. this list has been helpful…i have been going insane and wracked with guilt over the very recent death of my beautiful Mum (only a week ago). I was expected to go to work and be the strong one*..i did.
    My mum had been very ill for a few years and we knew she would pass from the illness..i think i have been pre ~ grieving bit by bit,,if this makes sense.
    When she died last week, i was devastated, but seem to be okay?..i was even relieved for her….i have felt guilty about this and people tell me how i should be, then the guilt starts all over again..thankyou for listening.
    My focus is now to my Dad x

  333. Bob,

    I liked reading your message. Although I am 24, I could kind of relate to it.
    After having lost my 35 yr old best friend last year, I have found that it has been more difficult in the recent months since it has been a year and people expect me to have moved on. I still miss my friend. I miss her and would like to talk to her often but cannot and this causes me great pain. However, its as if, in the eyes of others, I shouldnt dwell on her death and move on. Thats because they didnt know her like I did. And also I believe its because they dont grieve the same way I do.
    I think we should take the time we need to grieve and it helps me to talk about my friend because she was a person we should all admire. But it is difficult to talk to others about her when frankly, they dont care to hear about it anymore.

    I can also relate to wanting to have companionship and it not always being easy to find that companionship.
    Since I love socializing, I tried in the months after my friend’s death to find other friends I connected with. Ive never had a hard time making friends but it just seemed I wasnt clicking with anyone. I was trying hard but it just wasnt happening. It was hard for me at first to accept that maybe I should just relax a bit and that I might connect with someone with time, when its meant to be. It has been months now that I have relaxed and that I am just content with spending time with my family. I enjoy reading too. A good book is good company. I look forward to having a close friend someday and I hope that I will meet her when its the right time for her or him to come into my life.

    Its not easy adjusting to the death of a loved one, thats for sure.

    Hugs and best of luck finding a friend 🙂


  334. Wherever they are they’re grieving too. Remember to talk to them…

  335. I can’t not even imagine the amount of pain you must’ve gone through. I know this might sound weird, but I admire you, I admire you for being alive, for being here, for sharing your story. I wish you and your family the best.

  336. Thank you for this list. Number 64 is what I needed to read. I went to bed late last night and woke up confused, I stared at my dad’s portrait and I felt this profound emptiness, a mix of guilt with sadness, ashamed of looking at my dad, someone who I loved beyond words, as a stranger or someone who’s no longer part of my life, and that I don’t miss anymore. It saddens me and confuses me because I feel like I’m a terrible, selfish person, m dad loved me, and I loved him, but I just don’t miss him, I’ve gotten used to not having him around, of him not being in my life, it feels as if he was part of somebody else’s life a long time ago, it hasn’t even been 5 years! Number 64 has told me what I needed to hear (well, read). I know that I love him, he knew that I loved him, I should be okay with living a happy life, a life that’s full and rich even without him around.

  337. Litsa, perhaps you and others can provide me with some guidance and insight. I lost my wife very suddenly sixteen months ago, so I have been through the first year of dates and anniversaries and birthdays. But in the second year of my grief, I seem to be recycling through all those feelings of being alone and lonely. The rest of the world seems to have gone on and left be in its wake. At the age of 74, finding some companionship seems to be a daunting task, although I have had some success. As it can never be like having my wife back, I seem to find it to be less than satisfying. Our marriage was the second for both of us, I have two grown children, she has four; and we have fourteen grandchildren. But I would still like to spend some time with people of my age.

  338. Its a LOT more expensive than you thought. (or planned for). By way of practical matters. I am so glad people sent money. But it still wasn’t enough.

  339. Erica,

    Thank you for the caregiving support suggestions. I was just struggling to find a good resource for a reader caring for her husband, so I will definitely file this away for the future.


  340. Nice. My insurance company of thirty years dropped me because of a paperwork snafu that was not even my fault. Wife died? Tough.

  341. Independence is not all it’s meant to be.

    I find it interesting how losing a partner in life could change the life of a person. I always thought of myself as an independent, someone capable of living life in solitaire not needing the assistance of a man. All though our relationship was short and before him I was single for eight years. I find my life turned upside down. I find myself angry with my emotions that can’t be controlled by my mind. I always took pride in the fact that I was a strong independent woman. Whether I had a man in my life or not I would be able to move on. He was taken away by death not by another woman not because he didn’t care. DEATH! Something I had no control over something I never experienced, something that changed my outlook in life completely. Men never made a great impact in my life or I never chosen correctly, always a sad disappointment that eventually came to an end. I found it easy to entertain myself I found it easy to tell myself that men would not control me, or hurt me. If closure came in the end so be it I would move on and continue to enjoy life. The one thing I never told myself was if I lost a man to death what then? Move on? Go on as if nothing ever happen as I always done in the past when I lost relationship when there was always a disappointment and I was used to it. I lounged for a few weeks letting my heart heal itself then move on.

    Life took me by the horns and I lost all control losing him after living in completely happiness telling myself he was different seeing the uniqueness in his style. Seeing him in me I felt that he was me in a man’s body and this in my eyes made him perfect. Every single thing he enjoyed in life was on my bucket list. His personality was charming, witty like I never seen, not in front of me, not holding me, never with me. He was a well-educated man who loved God and had morals. If I had to guess one man of one hundred have those qualities. Many would say I didn’t know him long enough and I have to agree one month spend with a man is not time enough. I do defend the fact that I met many men and some known more time and some less. I’m clever enough to see the qualities. I have experienced enough to see the signs stamped on their foreheads. Jeff had a pure good heart. Not capable of hurting anyone for any reason and capable of killing if he had to defend anyone he loved. He had rounded baby blues eyes with eyelashes long as the sun could set. His skin was light and I loved his arms and hands attached were beautiful his light brown hair was soft and his voice was amazing. The fact that he was an extremely good looking man generated the feelings I had inside of utterly perfection but without a personality to match he would be nothing.

    I once promised myself that I would never let a man hold me back I been alone to long to cluster into loneliness for years at a time. I think I was wrong I was not expecting this outcome. Being near a man makes me feel as if am being unfaithful that one word was a huge importance to him. Somehow I feel as he is watching me and I don’t want to disappoint him. Maybe because at this moment and time my heart still belongs to him. How do you belong to a dead man how does one comprehend this?. I try to make sense of things myself. Every morning I feel the emptiness he left behind every day I miss him as much as the day before. Not one day goes by that I don’t shed a tear sometimes so much so that I can’t breathe. Time has healed the ache in my body, that makes me hopeful that time will heal the pain in my heart. And I will only share the happiness he left behind. For now I wonder if I will live in solitaire until I see him again. Or life will grant me another opportunity of a great man, difficult to say who could hold a candle to him. Sometimes I feel he pulled me away from a world I didn’t belong too that was his task in his life to me., a rude awakening to show me there is more to life than what I was living. He came briefly show me that men are more than just skin deep. The right man could make a difference in a woman’s life. This could make life a warmer place worth waking up for. Give a woman a glow she didn’t know existed. If he’s the right man a good man a man of God. I was in solitaire because I was looking in the wrong direction. If I keep my head study my eyes will see the right path and my heart may feel again.

  342. Maggie,
    This is so true – grief running in the background means driving distracted, forgetting things more easily, and making decisions that are less than well-considered.

    It’s true of pain in general – we talk about how ongoing debilitating pain takes up mental “slots” for my husband, making it harder for him to retain his train of thought, or tolerate interruptions and chaotic surroundings. If most people can remember 7 things at a time, we estimate that on a good day he can remember 3 or 4, and on a bad day it might just be one thought at a time.

    It’s even true of stress in general. Cutting yourself some slack, and/or having enough slack to begin with that things don’t fall apart when you miss a few calls, is a huge factor in surviving any difficult transition.

  343. Hi Colleen,
    If you’re looking for caregiver support resources – one good one that I found helpful was a group course called “Powerful Tools for Caregivers,” hosted by some local nurses.
    Most people attended while still active caregivers; but as it turned out, many of us care for more than one person over our lifetimes, and it’s possible to be both “before,” “during,” and “after” at the same time.

    If there isn’t an organized group, I think it’s still helpful to talk to other people who are “in the club,” so to speak. You don’t have to have an identical experience with any one person, but talking to 3 or 4 people who have had roughly similar experiences can give you some perspective.

    I appreciated the fine distinction between sympathy and pity, and the realization that two people could mutually look at each other’s situation and say “I don’t know how you do it!”, and the ability to laugh at our situations or even make black jokes about it without being looked at like an insensitive sociopath. Be careful with the jokes – but in the right company, they’re quite a relief!

  344. Kaylin, thanks for bringing up the different kinds of crying. There are so many!

    For me, crying over stress or an argument feels futile, because it just upsets my husband and I feel like I can’t control myself. Crying over a serious grief feels more appropriate; kind of like, that’s what crying is for. When it’s clear there’s nothing to be done about a sadness, but crying, he can sort of understand that.
    I would like to imagine that even though you still feel bad, being able to cry is helping at some level, and that eventually the relief will start to come.

  345. Cherish – I was wondering whether anyone was going to bring that up.

    The other responses tell it better than I can – you’re definitely not alone in feeling that the very lack of closeness in an important relationship caused extra pain when the person passed away. In a less-than-perfect relationship, death can be the final abandonment. Whether you craved love, reconciliation, forgiveness, vengeance, a relationship as mature adults, or just a few honest answers, those hopes often die along with the person who disappointed them. And the grief process in these cases can be very surprising to people looking in from the outside, and even to the person experiencing it.

    I can’t speak for the grieving parents, children, and spouses on this site. But I do feel that being close to my grandmother in her final years was a comfort. I don’t know if my cousins who were more distant at the time now miss her “more;” how could you measure such a thing? But I know some of my cousins were somewhat frantic on their last visits, wanting to make up for lost time. I am grateful to have had the chance to make fond memories, and few regrets. I can only imagine the mixed emotions if the person dying was hard to relate with, even at their best.

    As Tolstoy put it,
    “All happy families are alike; each unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.”

  346. Maggie,

    This is a very powerful statement. Being that you were only 13 when your father died, I can imagine how much you probably had to struggle to find this kind of clarity. You are so right and I know it can be hard to own this reality because people always feel as though they should only speak well of the dead, especially when the deceased is a parent; but the reality is that our parents are imperfect people like everyone else. It’s important to learn what we can from our loved ones – this means from both their positive and negative qualities. I admire your willingness to articulate this because it’s an important lesson. I’m sorry about your father’s death and I know you probably miss him all the time.


  347. I lost my dad when I was thirteen. That was five years ago. When he died, I was of course devastated because right before he died, we hadn’t been getting along. I was a very ungrateful child, I didn’t exactly appreciate my dad the way I should have. I was just starting to rebel against him, and I just remember “hating” my dad (when he was still alive) and not knowing why I did. And I felt so guilty because I never got the chance to say goodbye, or say sorry for being so self centered, because he really was a great guy, and he loved us kids. But I didn’t see how much he loved me until after his death. And over the years it has forced me to reflect on the kind of parent that he was to us. Because although he loved us so much it hurt him, he didn’t always express it in the best ways. I was constantly scared of him. He had a very violent temper and apparently it was getting worse as we grew older, so I think that I began resenting him for that as I grew up. But I couldn’t know that, because I grew up with this kind of treatment, so I couldn’t have known that he shouldn’t have done those things to us. And my dad was the one person who believed in me, he was ways pushing me to do things I thought I couldn’t do. He would always say, “There’s no such thing as I can’t.” But the point of me saying this is that I realized that it’s okay to resent your dad for doing things he shouldn’t have done, and at the same time, he can still be the man who loved you more than anybody else ever could. When looking for y soulmate, I know that I will look for my dad in him. And yet, at the same time, I will be wary of that. Because I now know that I will not tolerate it, the way I did when my dad was still alive. So I guess I’m saying that it’s okay when you realize that you don’t want to appreciate All of the things he’s done and sacraficed for you, even though everyone tells you you’re supposed to. Our fathers shape all the wonderful things we want in a man, but also the things we don’t want in someone, and that’s okay.

  348. Hi Natalie,

    I am so sorry to hear about your friend. It is difficult to say what his concerns were, but I would guess that one possibility is, with her age, he may have had concerns about her grief adjustment. Rather than viewing you relationship as supporting each other, he may have been concerned that she was now taking on your grief, in addition to her own. I imagine another possibility is that he could have had concerns that his daughter would grow attached to you and, depending on the trajectory of your own grief, you may have ‘moved on’ and no longer needed the relationship with Joann, leaving her with another loss. Another thought is that he may simply not have felt comfortable with his teenage daughter having a friend in her 20s, for all the reasons that may concern a parent. It is impossible to say what his concerns were/are. You may never know. Perhaps down the road, when Joann is an adult, your paths will cross again.

  349. P.s. I guess I should also mention that the family was seeing a therapist. He told me that the therapist recommended that no one tries to replace Eva and he seemed to stronly agree with this, hence why he decided I shouldnt be in contact with his daughter.

    This is all the info he gave me anyway. Perhaps there were reasons I was unaware of.

  350. Litsa,

    I am wondering if you could tell me your thoughts on something.

    When my 35 yr old friend passed away last year (we’ll call her Eva) I felt the urge to get closer to a younger friend of hers (we’ll call her Joanne). Eva had loved her so much. Joanne was her grade 6 student a couple years back and now she was in her early years of high school. When Eva passed, I wanted to make sure Joanne would be ok. And, I also wanted for both of us to be there for one another as we could understand what a great friend each one of us had lost. I am 24.

    Eventually, however, her dad told me he didnt want me trying to replace Eva (take Eva’s place in Joanne’s life). So he asked that I not speak to his daughter.

    Its been months since I’ve cut contact with Joanne but I still wonder about this. Eva had loved this family and I had wanted to get to know them. I didnt think I was doing anything bad by wanting to get to know them and also being a good friend to their daughter. I dont believe I wanted to replace Eva exactly. No one could replace her. But why not try to make the most of it and make some new friends?

    If you have any insight on this at all, I would appreciate it. Thanks!

    I guess I’m just still confused as to why he believed so much that it was not a good idea that we (Joanne and I) help each other out during this difficult period after Eva died.

  351. Thanks for your concern, Carolyn. Those comments are definitely spam, but the somehow keep getting through our spam filter, even when we flag them! It is really sad when people are ‘phishing’ on a grief website, where people can be vulnerable. We try to delete them quickly when we see them.

  352. I am very concerned about people that use these spell castors. That kind of stuff if from the devil and definitely against God. Why would you want someone that doesn’t want you. If my ex used a spell castor to get me back and I ever found out about it, I would leave and not let him know where I am. That is a very evil trick to play on anyone. I’d be very careful about playing with that kind of fire as you will eventually get burned. Just a warning from a Christian that Loves the Lord and hates His enemy, the devil.

  353. This is a beautiful ritual Lulu. Thank you for sharing . . .

  354. Drugs don’t dull the pain forever. Eventually you must wake up from the fog that has become your life and face the pain head on. It hurts but you will survive it!

  355. So as it isn’t self destructive there really is no right our wrong way to grieve.

  356. April 12th marks the fourth month of the passing of the man I spend a brief time with. It was a wonderful relationship as new relationships usually are. Being with him even if it was a short time was wonderful. And his death turned my life upside down in ways I would have never imagined. All the beautiful emotions are left inside with no one to share them with. Felt as if I was left standing in a dark hole. I blink my eyes and he was gone. So many plans left undone. So much pain left inside.

    Every twelve of the month I release a single balloon with a note attached. April brought a Silver Star balloon. It was a windy day in Los Angeles and the sunset rays hit the balloon as it flew up high. It felt soothing it was peaceful, help release some pain.

    I would add HOPE to the list if it’s not added. H=Hold O=On P=Pain E=ends

    Silver Star

    A silver star balloon was April’s pick
    I stamped my kiss, tied my warm note
    set it free on a sunny windy day
    to commemorate your memory.

    The rays of the sunset shinned the
    balloon as it went up high heading
    east. I could see it glow like two
    little eyes blinking goodbye.

    It was soothing to heart to see it
    fly! See it free! Dancing with the wind.
    Heading east as I use to be, it knew
    exactly where you lived.

    Dedicated to Jeff Muller 12/12

  357. I was wondering , what would you suggest that people say to the ones dealing with this type of loss? I was 19 when my dad passed away and I personally appreciated the Sorry’s cause I knew at least they tried to understand and were trying to do what they could which is obviously not much of anything to help. I don’t know what to say at times like that and I’m sorry for your loss sounds the nicest to let them know I care and I feel for you. I also include that “if you need to talk or blow off steam, please call me I’m here for you any time.” That’s what I do for my friends. I’m always available to talk to just be a sounding board for anything. They all know that but I tell them just to remind them. I really would like to know what you think would be a more correct thing to say. I would like to tell folks on my page a more appropriate thing to say at those tough times. Thank you.

  358. Although this isn’t for the person grieving, but more towards those that try to help, I wish people would quit saying sorry. I don’t know who started it, but you hear it person after person when standing by a casket while people file past you. It’s always “I’m so sorry for your loss” and “I know exactly how you feel.” Majority of people have lost a loved one, but that doesn’t mean you know exactly how I feel. Every love, every relationship, and every person are different. We handle things differently, we see things differently. At almost every funeral I’ve had to plan and attend I hide out. Away from all of our so called friends with their apologies and concerns. I know they’re trying to help, but saying you’re sorry doesn’t fix anything and it definitely doesn’t make the person grieving feel better.

  359. Terrye i been crying my eyes out feeling the pain everyone feels here and feeling my own pain trying to make sense of things. But i have to say your comment put a smile on my face and laughter in my heart . Even stupid idiots could make us laugh in hard times. thank you

    “S/he is dead for gods sake, you are an idiot, how can she look good..”

  360. Happening to me

    He places his palms on my face says you’re doing great!
    Staring at me with those beautiful puppy eyes of his.

    Scratches my tear with his fingernail, slow like a trail.
    Releases the responsibility of what is Happening to me.

    Tears honor a strong emotion. The fuel my body discharges
    keeps me mobile. Beautiful devotion.

    Real strength dose are the traces he follows,
    in the tip of my tears which flow in his fingers.

    Heals the unbearable pain while seeing those eyes fade away.
    Pauses the cage bereavement stage until the next day.

    Dedicated to Jeff Muller 12/12

  361. #30…”the last moments of their life will play over and over in your mind.” God help me, I cannot get that picture out of my head. It IS NOT like they show on tv…it was awful. All I could do was stare at him in disbelief. I wanted to grab him (my husband) and say “stop this.” I wasn’t even sure what was going on. But it didn’t seem peaceful to me. I have visions of it all the time. I wonder if this is PTSD? We were trying to be positive and hopeful in a hopeless situation…utter denial, probably… The last thing I said to him was, “You’re not going anywhere, it’s just your body.” I wish I had said, “I love you” instead. I didn’t want him to be afraid throughout his experience with disease and dying. I wish we had spent more time talking about “what if”. I don’t know… I just hate that there is no closure and never will be. I half expected him to “visit” me as a spirit and tell me “what to do” now. I had felt like my dad was so close to me after he died (22 years ago). I felt closure with my mom, like I had settled things with her and loved her. But I am getting NOTHING from my husband since his death and I fee abandoned by it.

  362. I can relate to the “why” and “what if”….I keep thinking if I can find the answers the result of death will reverse itself. Or somehow things get FIXED. I know it’s not rational. But I think that when death and fatal disease comes suddenly, the denial just puts you over the edge. I found that after my husband died, I was still trying to process the diagnosis of his cancer 6 months earlier.

  363. Bravo, Jennifer!

  364. I really wish I could talk to your children. They are only causing pain for themselves in the future. My father died in 1969 when I was 18. My mother is still grieving for my father, the love of her life. But she date some in the past and when she got serious and was talking about marriage I threw a fit and said that my kids would never call him grandpa and he would not be my dad. She ended up not getting married b/c of what I said and now at age 82 she’s in a care facility with her sister and has been alone all of these years. I was just being selfish. Anyone she married wouldn’t be taking my dad’s place as I was married with children at the time she was talking about marriage again. I wasn’t looking from her point of view just my own and I didn’t want any one else to be my father. I made my mother have a long lonely life because of my selfishness. The children need to grieve their fathers loss but they need to understand that we are suppose to bury our dad and that mom has to go on the best way she can. You are very blessed to have found someone you have known for so long that understands your pain the loss you will always feel. I pray that your children will wake up before they make the same mistake I did and put you into a lonely life. I will keep you all in my prayers.

  365. Jennifer,

    I have lost my husband too. It’s been a year and a half. We were together for 29 years. Due to uncanny circumstances, I am in a relationship with another man. We’ve known each other for 16 years, he lost his wife 6 months before I lost my husband. Of course, we have been able to support each other in grief and we’ve also become happy together. My children are upset and I understand, but they cannot know my position. I wish their father was here to talk to them and tell them that it’s OK. But he’s not, so I am going through my loss of him and the tension my new relationship has caused between myself and my daughters. I loved my husband very much and would do anything to have him here with me again. But he’s not and I’m trying to teach my girls that one can still be happy and move on. I’ve lost both my parents and my husband. I am the youngest of 6 kids and the first to lose a spouse. I still have nightmares over the last moments of my husband’s life. But the greatest pain I have is of the kids distancing themselves from me…empty nest WITH their dad would have been a grand time for us to rekindle the marriage…but he’s not here anymore. I am trying to be patient with them, but seeing life end so suddenly makes me fret that things may not resolve before one of us dies…you just never know. But I am trying to lead by example…honoring my husband and our life together and moving forward in my life and grabbing onto new happiness. It’s a dance of one step forward and two steps back at times… Hang in there everyone! We’re definitely not alone. And we should just be easy on ourselves and allow the grief to express itself. We will NEVER forget those we loved and lost as long as we are alive…but I think we can honor them by enjoying the rest of our lives as much as we can.

  366. You know…when someone has disassociated with you thru upset or unknown…divorce or otherwise…I think it can be a little worse because you are being rejected. That is hard to deal with alone. When you lose someone to death, they didn’t leave because they wanted to. My husband, during his illness said to me, “Kathy, I don’t want to leave you alone anymore than I want to die.” He just didn’t have control. And watching his process made me realize how very little control we have when our time comes.

  367. I lost my mother 3yaers ago .Time doesn’t heal the pain. You never get use to the pain. You become a recluse. You will go through the rest of your life pretending. Nothing makes it better. No amount of talking to a therapist helps. You pretend to live life. You pretend to be a wife you pretend to be a mother you pretend to be a sister, friend………….

  368. Funerals are for the living and not worth a family feud over what the deceased “would have wanted”. A one or two hour service is not “how he/she will be remembered”

  369. You feel the passage of time most acutely when you lose someone you love.

  370. Your personal relationship with the person you lost was different than anyone else’s personal relationship with the person you lost, your grief will be also. You do not have to “share” in your grief with anyone. It is personal, and intimate. Just as your relationship was.

  371. it helped me to send thank you notes

    the only real long term problem is that GRIEF and BEREAVEMENT lasts alot longer than sympathy.


  372. My name is Malina, from United Kingdom. I wish to
    share my testimony with the general public about
    what this temple called (the angels of solution) have done for
    me, this temple have just brought back my lost ex
    lover to me with their great spell work, I was dating this man called Steven we were together for a long
    time and we loved our self’s but when I was unable
    to give him a male child for 5 years he left me and told
    me he can’t continue anymore then I was now
    looking for ways to get him back and also get pregnant, until a friend of
    mine told me about this temple and gave me their contact
    email, then you won’t believe this when I contacted
    them on my problems they prepared the items and cast the spell for me
    and bring my lost husband back, and after a month I
    missed my monthly flow and go for a test and the result
    stated that i was pregnant, am happy today am a mother of
    a set of twins a boy and a girl, i thank the temple once again for what they have done for me, if you are
    out there passing through any of this problems
    listed below:
    (1) If you want your ex back
    (2) if you always have bad dreams.
    (3) You want to be promoted in your office.
    (4) You want women/men to run after you.
    (5) If you want a child.
    (6) You want to be rich.
    (7) You want to tie your husband/wife to be
    yours forever.
    (8) If you need financial assistance.
    (9) Herbal care
    (10) If you can’t be able to satisfy your wife
    sex desire due or
    low err action.
    (11) if your menstruation refuse to come
    out the day it
    suppose or over flows.
    (12) if your work refuse to pay you, people
    owing you?.
    (13) solve a land issue and get it back.
    (14) Did your family Denny you of your
    (15) Let people obey my words and do my
    (16) Do you have a low sperm count?
    (17) Case solve E.T.C
    Contact them on their email on [email protected]
    And get all your problems solved
    Thank you.

  373. I would add that you sometimes start thinking of things in terms of “that was before xxx passed away” or “that was after xxx passed away”. I will remember an event or see a photograph and think, my brother was still alive then, or this was after he died…

  374. It has been 16 years since my husband Matthew passed at the age of 38. When it occurred, I immediately immersed myself in work, various activities, moved and started a new relationship within six months. While I am happy with my current life, I wish I had taken the time to stop, grieve and think before I leaped into new home and new relationship so soon. Monday, March 17 would have been our 24th wedding anniversary. There isn’t a day I don’t think about him.

  375. On 12/3/2013, I lost my husband of 9 years very suddenly. He was only 32. We have an 8 year old daughter. All the emotions I went thru made me feel like I was going crazy. A co-worker of mine, who lost her husband to suicide in Aug. 2013, gave me a copy of this article. I’ve read it several times and it makes me feel not so crazy and alone.

    I never would have dreamed how hard it would be to simply check the “widow” box on paperwork. I shouldn’t be a widow at the age of 29. It took every ounce of strength I had not to break down in the dr’s office that day. Serious reality check for me!

    We are in the process of moving so I’ve pretty much been forced to go thru all my husband’s possessions. I’ve been trying my best to prepare for this, but in all reality, it’s just not possible.

    I’ve had the opportunity to share this article with another co-worker (lost 2 sisters within 4 months) and a sister-in-law (lost her husband about 3 weeks ago). I greatly appreciate everything ya’ll put out on here! It helps out more than you know.

  376. I would add to have someone take a picture of your loved one in the casket. You can always throw it away but you can never get another.

    I totallyagree with the difficulty of writing thank you notes. It took me 6 months to get it done.

    If you can’t afford a headstone, it’s ok. You know where your loved one is.

  377. One of the hardest things that I am facing since my mom died two weeks ago are: Thinking that my husband would be there for me, and then finding out that he doesn’t want to be there for me. Making things 100% more worse. not having moral support at home is the hardest thing for me right now. Not being able to express my feelings to him without him being rude and judgmental. He thinks it should be a walk in the park, but its not. He has never lost a parent not alone planned a funeral. I wish I had a good person to go for comfort and to have the heal process go more smoothly. Its not like it takes one day to grieve and move on, it takes several months to years.
    Has anyone else had this problem?

  378. I’m sorry for you as I wouldn’t want to force anyone to come back to me with a spell of any kind. If he leaves of his own will he would need to return of his own will. Casting spells is a very dangerous thing to be involved in as it comes from the dark side. Jesus never cast a spell on anyone. Only the enemy of God would do this awful thing. Do I believe these things are real, yes I do but they are not of God, they are of God’s enemy Satan and I would run as far from it as I could run. I’d rather be alone than to be with someone that a spell was used on to get them to come back to me. How happy can you either really be knowing this has happened. Best of luck to you and I pray you see the light of the Lord very soon.

  379. I am Mrs Matilda Morgan from USA, i want to share a testimony of my life to every one. i was married to my husband George Morgan, i love him so much we have been married for 5 years now with two kids. when he went for a vacation to France he meant a lady called Clara, he told me that he is no longer interested in the marriage. i was so confuse and seeking for help, i don’t know what to do until I met my friend miss Florida and told her about my problem. she told me not to worry about it that she had a similar problem before and introduce me to a man called DR OKOGBO who cast a spell on her ex and bring him back to her after 3days. Miss Florida ask me to contact DR OKOGBO. I contacted him to help me bring back my husband and he ask me not to worry about it that the gods of his fore-fathers will fight for me. He told me by three days he will re-unite me and my husband together. After three day my husband called and told me he is coming back to sought out things with me, I was surprise when I saw him and he started crying for forgiveness. Right now I am the happiest woman on earth for what this great spell caster did for me and my husband, you can contact DR OKOGBO on any problem in this world, he is very nice, here is his contact ([email protected]). He is the best spell caster.

  380. Liz, I am so sorry. Please know the way you are feeling is very common, even though it makes you feel like you are going crazy – we have a post about that very topic! https://whatsyourgrief.com/grief-makes-you-crazy/

    I would recommend the book “The Year of Magical Thinking” by Joan Didion if you haven’t read it. It is her memoir about the year after her husband’s death. Her ‘magical thinking’ is the many ways that she believed and hoped her husband would come back to her. http://www.amazon.com/Year-Magical-Thinking-Joan-Didion/dp/1400078431

    I hope you find some comfort and support in other posts on our site that may help you during this impossible time . . .

  381. Donna, this is such a great point. Pets can become like members of our family and the grief that comes with the loss of a pet is very real and extremely painful. I am so sorry for that you have had so much loss in such a short period, and you are so right that others often don’t recognize pet loss as a valid loss. We have another post that may interest you on disenfranchised grief, which is about just that – dealing with losses that society doesn’t acknowledge. You can find it here: https://whatsyourgrief.com/disenfranchised-grief/

  382. I agree with all of your points. I would just add that losing a pet can cause as much grief as losing a human, particularly if you do not have a husband or children. I was a caregiver to my cat Bonnet for 3 months before I had to make the “decision.” Nine weeks later my other cat has been diagnosed with either IBD or small cell lymphoma. In between that time I adopted a wonderful kitten. I had him for four months before he developed “Feline Infectious Peritonitis (FIP).” He was started feeling poorly on the Sunday and was gone I the Thursday. Many people think my grief is not valid because they were pets. But so many of your 64 points resonated with me.

  383. I just wish that me and my wife had left a letter to each other so who ever went first the other person could read and treasure those words for ever.my wife passed away on march 29th 2013. so so lost without her.love you kim. forever in my thoughts. NICK.

  384. Some days I feel like I’m losing my mind. It’s only 15 weeks since my soulmate of 20 years died suddenly. I still keep begging him to come back to me even though I know that’s impossible. I feel like I don’t “belong” anymore as half of me is gone.

  385. how badly your heart aches after you lose a loved one. I understood first hand the meaning of a “broken heart”

  386. I agree with you completely. No two people grieve in the same way. I lost my brother last April, and I was devastated. I can’t imagine how a person feels when they lose a spouse, or when a parent loses a child. Each loss is a unique and devastating tragedy, and it will always be the greatest pain ever felt by that person.

  387. Grief begins before the actual physical death/loss of the loved one.

  388. Dear Jennifer, Out of grief for my mother, brother and baby in heaven I found this blog. The most recent death being my mother in Aug 2013. I have my husband and seven children. I read your paragraph and cried my eyes out.I wish I could hug you and take you into my family. I’m terrified to allow myself get close to my loved ones now because the pain has been so acute, I still do though. My mama was my anchor. People tell me cling to my husband make him my new anchor. How – hes going to die too. I am so sorry and cry tears for your pain. I can’t even imagine your heartache and wish I could so I could help you feel loved. I encourage you to seek to contact your husband and children through a Christian Medium. Yes they are out there and to those of you who disagree keep your comments to yourself. Its not for everyone but it gave me great comfort and a smile though brief to know they were right there with me. You can contact Lizzy Star International Medium. Just google her name. She is a christian and loves the Lord with all her heart. Her son died and they never found out why. Just in his sleep. She has had the gift of relating to spirit since a child. It is a God given gift. Honestly she saved my life. When my brother killed himself and I couldnt save him I couldnt breathe. Didnt want to live. She is amazing. You pay her online and she will contact your for a time that is good for both of you. Tape record it – you will listen to it over and over. She is Truly full of the Holy Spirit. So ignore anyones comments about it being Satanic. Its not – we are not to rely on psychics and mediums to tell us how to live our life – but the legitimate God Given Blessed with Gifts of the Holy Spirit are real – I am a deeply devoted Christian, Saved, etc. My Grandma was a Saint – per everyone. I don’t think she ever hurt a soul and a deeply devoted to Christ Christian. She came through in the read. If it was evil – she wouldn’t have come through. Don’t let the name Lizzy Star fool you. It sounds quirky – she has to protect her identity. Once you hear her beautiful maternal English accent you will feel right at home. I promise. She has a facebook page also. She makes jewelry to sell to help children who have this gift of seeing and to teach them to use it for the light. Yes there is evil out there and evil mediums. You don’t tell her anything at all about anything – just your name. Thats it. Don’t tell her the name of your loved ones, nothing. She will stop you if you accidentally do. She wants them to PROVE to you beyond a shadow of a doubt that they are ALIVE and THERE with YOU! Your husband probably kisses you every night. Ever feel a little tickle in her hair – thats him or your mom or daughters. I have learned to pray for Jesus and the Angels to let me discern if they are there. You will learn if you seek it out. I hate it when people tell me I need to say GOODBYE! Why? My brother said to me through Lizzy – “I am alive – I am not dead – please don’t call me dead – I am free. I am there just call out to me and I will be there.” Ask for signs… I did and started seeing blue jay feathers everywhere in weird places. My mailbox, inside my porch? how, in my car. It has become a game. The next reading I had with Lizzy she said Daniel wants you to sing the song about the Bluebird on My Shoulder – I didn’t get it til weeks later then put the two together – Zippity do Dah – and the feathers. My brother was saying he is now the Bluebird on my Shoulder!” Please take the leap and try. If it gives you just a little hope – heaven help who would say its not good. Blessings and I pray they post this long post without deleting anything. I gave Lizzy’s name as I know she is legitimate, there are ALOT of quacks out there. She was recommended to me and gave me air!

  389. Oh Peggy, I’m so sorry about both of these losses. I can’t imagine what it must have felt like to read that your marriage was ended due to death because he will always be your husband and you will always love him. Your comment reminds me of this recent post on the ‘Continuing Bonds Theory’. I’m not sure, but maybe it will be helpful. The theory says that when a loved one dies you slowly find ways to adjust and redefine your relationship with that person, allowing for a continued bond with that person that will endure, in different ways and to varying degrees, throughout your life.


  390. I am crushed, I am broken, I lost my dad last year and my husband this past Nov…….the two most important men in my life. I was so devastated when I lost my dad I could not imagine anything more painful other than maybe losing a child but then the unexpected happened. I lost my husband of 41 years, my childhood crush, the boy next door. I always thought he would live to be at least 80 because he was such an easy going guy. A few days before his 62 birthday we were told he had only a few mths. It is over and I am still in shock over the diagnosis. The thing that smacked me in the face was when I had to go over some paper work and there it was…….the marriage ended due to death. I know that even in our vows we say till death do us part………but my marriage never ended…..he was just taken from me….and I feel so lost……think I always will….thank you for your list…..

  391. Reading through the thread i sense that the loss of someone who is your rock or you have invested most emotions in causes most grief(whether it is child or spouse). Thus my grief is greater than yours is an unjustified discussion. This applies to work as a physician too.
    As a medic who sees death amongst families every week with different stories of loved ones to hear and grief shared, i do believe answers come from within on the grieving process- its duration and impact. Bills needing to be paid are useful as they bring a purpose to the next day-an anodyne to the pain you are going through like taking one step and then the next just to cope with the impossible boulder that you have suddenly been asked to carry. Not sure if this helps but just thoughts added to the pot. Neeraj

  392. I m an adult man now Its very hard for me to believe some one is gone, My Grand mother died when i was 16, i didnt cry a single tear then few year back my friend a good and a close friend died coz of a road accident still my situation was same, then few months back my uncle died in front of me at the hospital, i went to hospital thinking he is discharging but he had his last breath right in front of me i stood helplessly watching him struggling awfully to breath, I really pray he should just die at that moment and he passed away in few moments after the thought i just had. and i was the only one who was crying standing, Then all of a sudden i stopped. I have many regrets for no reason. That event memories still very disturbing for me.

  393. Narya, I am so sorry about the loss of your dad. Glad you found our little corner of the internet. I suspect lots of people think #45 is a crazy tradition, but like so much about grief and tradition, no one wants to talk about, leaving people stuck writing thank you notes during the worst weeks of their life. Cards may work for some, but it should be a choice, not an obligation!

  394. “45. The practice of sending thank you notes after a funeral is a cruel and unusual tradition.”

    I’m so glad I’m not the only one who thinks this. I finished mine a few weeks ago and it was one of the most torturous, exhausting, agony-ridden experiences of my life, second only to the death & funeral of my dear dad.

  395. Debbie,

    I’m sorry about your mother’s death. I’m very sorry for your pain, the guilt is tough and it sucks to live with any amount of it. That video you linked to was fan-tastic! I loved it, so well put. Thanks for sharing and I hope you don’t mind if we re-share =).


  396. My mother was recently diagnosed with a very rare disease (Stiff Person Syndrome) died Feb 5, 2014. She fell in her home and died instantly although not discovered until the next day. I’m very raw and vulnerable right now, very much a zombie and riddled with guilt of “wish I did more” or of our last conversation which occurred 4 hours before she passed, “wished we talked longer.” This site is very comforting to me. Bless you as it’s helpful to read other’s stories. I cry every day and its seems so unfathinable that we won’t talk again. We talked almost every day and she was my best friend too.So glad that I listened to her complaints…….grateful that I got to a place of compassion. I even included her in our 2014 “Happy New Year” card. Strangely, I knew 2014 would be the year of her passing.

    Dumb things people say need to watch this video. I sent to my Hall of Shamer, good friend for worst comments. http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=1Evwgu369Jw

    It’s called sympathy vs empathy on youtube. Provides a cartoon visual w explanation. It’s brilliant. The sympathizers start with “at least she didn’t (insert unhelpful comment). I have to laugh and say “they only know what they know and venture elsewhere (like here) for guidance.

    Bless each and every one of you. Truly, I had NO IDEA how painful until Feb 5.

  397. Its been a year and a half for me also, my dad and I were extremely close also. Many days I struggle also and I know people are thinking that I need to move on from this. It is okay to grieve my dad loss, he was my hero and my best buddy. He died August 21, 2012 so many good memories I have with him. Love yah dad, Ill see you again

  398. Big hugs. You don’t know me but even total strangers can offer comfort at times that you need it the most. My hope is that this helps. I would like you to know that people really do care. Let us be your rock right now.

  399. Rivkah, your feelings are very valid, not ramblings at all. I understand.

  400. Melody, thank you for that description (about the hand grenade) – very true.

    I am so lucky to have SUCH a great car insurance company and agent. She phones me EVERY month to take my autopayment – just so I won’t forget. Isnt that great?

    For people whom the concept of grief and death are STILL abstracts – it is a rare individual amongst them that knows how to show true compassion.

  401. Thank you so much for this post. It has been 5 1/2 years since my husband passed and I am just now seeking professional help so that I can move on with my life. # 58 “You don’t get over it, you just get used to it” hit me hard. I think this is what I have really been struggling with. The idea that i’ll never be over it…and that’s ok!

    Thank you again

  402. I found that the birthdays, anniversarys, and holidays were tough. I expected them to be, and they were. What no one told me was that the celebrations would be even worse. I steeled myself for the known dates, knowing they were coming up. The celebrations blind sided me; I hadn’t prepared for them. When my son became an Eagle Scout, the pain of his dad not being beside me on such a proud day brought me to my knees. I wasn’t prepared for that.

  403. i am so sorry for your losses and i can relate to both, i have been there and done that also, but i do find relief by writing letters to my husband and keeping them in a file in my computer. i share with him the events that have occured and the good and disturbing things that go on in my life while i am missing him so much. i thank him for all the wonderful times we had in our lives and all the wonderful memories he left for our children. these letters to him give me some bit of peace and i talk to him and share my life as it is today.

  404. People wind up saying things that you just cannot believe they would say when you are already dealing with such terrible pain. It takes extraordinary grace to navigate it all.

  405. Callista, I was 12 when my dad passed. I’m 45 and not a day goes by that I don’t think of him. Its ok. The grief gets easier, but always comes back. For me it’s events that he never got share. Birthdays, graduations, grandchildren, all of it. You are the only one who can say how you should feel.

  406. I know how you feel…and you posted this comment on my angel in heavens 2nd birthday 🙂

  407. Paula, I can relate to your journey as my mother died at 57 from Pancreatic Cancer about a year after she was diagnosed. It is my experience that in time you’ll get used to life with out her, but life will never be the same.

  408. *correction- “God takes the best”

  409. No One knows the true extent of ‘YOUR PAIN’ . Even if they say ” I know exactly how you feel”

    And people will tell you “Good takes the best” it’s ok if that doesn’t make sense. It’s still hard for me to understand.

    Reading this brought tears and a smile to my face. So many things listed are right on point. I lost my Mother 3 days after her 55th bday. She was diagnosed with Pancreatic cancer and lost her battle 6 months after her diagnosis. She was my best friend, mother and soul mate. I feel as if the world that I knew is no longer the world I enjoy. But I know she is in a better place with no pain. And MAYBE with time I will learn how to get use to this life without her.

    • Terri, I am so sorry for your loss. I wish there was an easy answer to your question, but unfortunately there isn’t. We all grieve differently and for different periods of time. Though a handful of people only feel the intense emotions for the short period you have been grieving, many people don’t begin to feel ‘normal’ again for many months or years. The emotions typically get less intense and easier to manage over that time, but grief is work and it often requires giving it time and attention. There is tons of information, ideas, and activities that may be of help on this site. It also can be helpful to find a grief group or counselor to support you in this early phase of loss.

    • Oh, and sorry for spelling your name wrong in my reply, Teri!

  410. Oh, I so hear you, Stacy; this place where you are is so hard. Decades later, I don’t live there anymore, but I can recall it to mind and remember it as if it were yesterday. I was 23 when my Dad died.

    The country of the orphan is a scary place at first. Later you will discover joys and freedoms here, but first there is this awful feeling that nothing is in the right place, that if I had just done everything even more right than I could have done it, that somehow he wouldn’t have died.

    Just now I hear the rawness of new loss. I remember it as so overwhelming, I couldn’t even look at it for more than a few minutes at a time. I felt like I wanted to jump out of my skin.

    This part passes. It does. But not quickly. The body recognizes that this can’t go on, and finds other ways to cope. The mind gradually accepts what cannot be undone.

    I have some advice, if you want it – take what you need and leave the rest. Or even, stop reading right here if ‘advice’ is not acceptable just now. I send you my love either way.

    First, if I were you I would go ahead and tell people what’s going on. Something like ‘my Dad died last week, it was sudden, it was traumatic, and I’m a little fragile just now.’ Most people will cut you a break. Some won’t, but they’re usually the ones who wouldn’t cut you a break if your leg got broken right in front of them.

    Later, I suggest you look around for a grief group near you. Local hospice organizations often host them; sometimes they’re even free. In groups of 4-10 or so, they meet weekly for a couple of hours at a time, for 4-10 weeks. It can really help to be able to voice what’s going on for you and to hear in what others say just how much your experiences are similar. It also helps to hear something of what to expect from this grieving process, in real time when you’re going through it.

    So much love and light to you. Most of us do lose our parents, soon or late, easy or hard, and we do get through it somehow. You will too, even if you can’t see how, even when it’s far too early to imagine. So much love and light to you for the journey.

  411. Thank you. A million times over for this. I lost my dad a week ago. He was ill and I knew eventually this day was going to come. In his illness I became frustrated easily & thought I had time to say the things I needed to say. When he literally fell at my feet & his heart stopped beating I rolled him over & began to do CPR. Through sobs I begged him to come back. I NEEDED to tell him everything I was so terrible at expressing. He didn’t & I now sit here so angry with myself. I know that he knew I loved him. But I hate myself for not saying it as freely as he did. I lost the only person on this planet who believed in me. I can’t do anything but I want to do everything. I’ve always been a very dedicated & hard worker. I can’t work now. Not even for 5 minutes. I am 29 and never experienced anxiety. I always felt horrible for people who did suffer from it but never knew first hand. Now I feel like I’m going to implode at any given moment. I can’t sit still. I want to rearrange everything in the house and did just that. I keep changing everything for no reason whatsoever. I can’t sleep but I’m so tired. I get hungry but can’t seem to bring the food to my mouth. I feel disabled. I had someone tell me today “why can’t you just get over it” and I shook from head to toe in anger. Don’t you think I want to feel better? Don’t you think I want to sleep? I’m so frustrated & confused by all of this. I’ve never experienced grief. I’ve never experienced something hat is so many things all at once. My heart is beyond repair. I feel like someone cut my feet off at the ankles & switched them onto the other leg & I’m expected to just know how to run a marathon. I’m sorry if this is all just a ramble. But I found some comfort in this list.

  412. Wow what a list. I have experience all of these. I lost my father 12 years ago, a year after he passed I went away to college and would wake up with nightmares about losing my mother and could not go back to bed. I had a hard time dealing with death and was afraid of dying. I took a death and dying course in university that helped with this. I think it’s normal to get these anxieties after the death of a loved one.

  413. Christopher, thank you so much for this addition. It’s funny I was literally just talking to someone about how we really ought to write an individual post on this topic. Thank you for your perspective, I am sure many many many people who find there way to this list are indeed struggling with understanding their faith in the context of profound loss.

  414. This is a wonderful list, and thank you so much for developing it. My only cavil is that, with the exception of #22, there is no real mention about the impact of grief on one’s religious, spiritual or philosophical beliefs, or conversely, the impact of those beliefs on coping with grief itself. I have experienced at least two traumatic losses in my life: my mother died under pretty tragic circumstances and, as a therapist, I lost a client to suicide. In addition to many, many clients I have worked with over the years who were impacted by bereavement, grief and loss issues, I also spent a year as a social work intern in a hospice agency. The latter experience definitely helped to deepen my own understanding of the grieving process. As a result, I believe strongly that this is a period when those Meaning of Life questions hit us smack dab in the middle of our faces and our guts. Personally, my Christian faith, and its implicit belief in a life hereafter and the continuation of our consciousness in a realm beyond this one, has made an enormous difference in how I view the loss of my loved ones, as well as the suffering that has accompanied the twisting arc of my life journey. While it might seem like a quaint notion to some, I truly believe I will eventually encounter family and friends who have passed on when I reach that Other Side (an afterlife conspicuously missing the archaic notion of hell, I should add). Those with a strong religious faith along these or similar lines (such as reincarnation) should feel that it is okay and fine and blessed and amazing to feel solace, comfort and hope because of their faith. And those who remain convinced that our consciousness does not continue after death should feel empowered to say and feel whatever is congruent with their own existential take on life, without feeling pressured to believe something they cannot embrace. The fundamental point I am trying to make here is that when death knocks at our door, it involves more than just dealing with the clinical dimensions of grief and bereavement. It strikes to the existential center of our being, and challenges us to ponder our core philosophical and spiritual stance towards life. So…….I thought something like the following should be added to this list: “My grief might cause me to question or modify my belief system, my spiritual faith, or my philosophy of life. It’s okay if I need to give up part or all of those beliefs as a result. It’s also okay if I cling to those beliefs even more strongly, realizing in the process that, although my beliefs might be shaken to the core, they remain a fundamental part of my being.”

  415. As a Daddy’s girl, it was extremely hard to have my Daddy go home when I was only 24. My grief did heal in time but I learned not to push myself. I still miss him and post on his birthday and Father’s Day. When my Mom left I was fifty. I nearly lost my job because even though I thought I was functioning properly I wasn’t. Thank God for a supervisor who knew what was happening and gave me a deadline for my work. Nearly forty years after Daddy and over ten for my Mommy, the grief is different. I don’t mourn like I used to but I miss them still, not just for me, but for my children and grandchildren.

  416. Grieving never becomes easier- just “less hard”. Grief doesn’t have a timeline, but for me, memories are what keeps Mom alive. I now see her in my mind when she was healthy and she lives in my heart forever. I passed thru the tunnel of grief, and came out on the other side. So there is hope and comfort in knowing that.

  417. I did not read all the comments, but wanted to add to the list that grief is a good time to be careful of people who, even if you thought they were friends, will try to take advantage of your financial situation. I was offered paltry amounts of money for vehicles and other valuable items by people who claimed to be trying to help out but where essentially counting on me being not in right mind and assuming I needed money quickly. Also not to let too many strangers know you are recently widowed. Unfortunately there are a lot of predatory people out there. Of course I don’t want to eclipse all the wonderful people that will be there to help you if you let them, just to understand that you’re in a vulnerable state of mind, to say the least. It’s good to have a true close friend to run all these issues through since you aren’t thinking straight and won’t be for a while.

    Hang in there, it does hurt a million times more than one can imagine hurting. But you live through (if is never over) changed but still capable of finding peace and happiness. – Lisa

  418. So very true. I have a daughter who cut off all contact with me ten years ago this month. No one knows why, her dad doesn’t know, we have never been able to understand. I was and am a good mom; no drinking or drug addictions, very involved and stayed home with my kids. We had a wonderful, wholesome life. I have have another daughter who has never shunned me and through her, I now have two beautiful grandsons. My estranged daughter is having a baby next month, whom I may never see. I have sometimes had thoughts that if she had died, it might have been easier in the long run. No offense to those who have lost a child, that is a pain I can not begin to imagine. These are just the ramblings of my mind……

  419. I am a nurse. I do grief counseling, death preparation, and I care for people when they face death. Nothing, absolutely nothing, in my education prepared me for the experience myself. Tears flow at sometimes the most embarrassing times, just from out of the blue, for no apparent reason. No regrets-but I don’t think one ever gets over a great loss. It’s about learning how to deal with it in the comfort of memories and thankfulness.

  420. I absolutely agree. I think each loss, and the grief that follows, is as unique as the relationship we had with the person who died. I think it also undoubtedly is influenced by where we are in our lives, other losses we’ve experienced, and countless other things. I am so sorry for both the devastating losses you’ve been through.

  421. Oh Vikki, I am so sorry for all the loss you have suffered. Sometimes we need to give ourselves permission to grieve, even when it is terrifying to let go and feel those painful emotions and tears. There is a well know book called The Empty Room about sibling loss. Though the authors lost her sibling as a child, but the book is absolutely applicable for anyone who has had the devastating loss of a sibling- a loss that isn’t always as acknowledged by society. Here is a link to the book: http://www.amazon.com/gp/aw/d/0743201523

  422. I am 57 yrs old, And I the only one left….my brother dropped dead at the age of 56, that will be 2 yrs in Feb,,, to see my family, I go to the cemetery, and see my shadow standing over them…..
    I have not grieved my brothers death,,,he was my only sibling,,,,,now I have this huge hole, an emptiness I can’t fill…I am afraid to cry, so therefore, I haven’t,,,,,
    I have 3 beautiful grown kids, and one grandson,,,they are my world,,,,but. It’s still empty.
    Thanks for hearing me out..

  423. Is there a difference in losses? I think so. I lost a child of less than a year old and at times I still grieve over that loss that happened 50 years ago. I lost my husband a year and a half ago and there are days that I don’t think I can bear that loss. Maybe it’s due to time and to my age now. I don’t know.

  424. Some people are athiests and are completely not comforted by religous platitudes. I don’t believe i’ll see my dad again or that he is in a better place. Every time someone patted my arm and said they would pray for me I wanted to scream. It is important to be aware of the beliefs of the person who is grieving, otherwise you can end up making that person feel angry, isolated, and even more bereft.

  425. Number 21) is not always right as I do regret loving as the pain is so bad. I wish I had never met my husband and had three children as he has left up up the swanney now and I feel that he caused his own cancer by being so highly strung and not dealing with his childhood issues, made him push his limits physically, emotionally and financially in all areas. He has left me now completely devastated to live the same life without him bringing the kids up with no money, a sad mother and a shit future. So, yes, I do at the moment regret loving. All you ‘floaty people get a grip.’ Grief is not pretty.

  426. Lori, I agree with you. I lost my husband when he was 35, and it was the hardest thing I have ever experienced. It is hurtful to have people tell you it is the natural order of things, or make your grief feel invalid. Please do not be so hard on yourself. 2 years was a hard time for me, the first year as special dates came and went , I would think last year we did this or that last year, and have a memory, but the 2nd year, all I thought was he wasn’t here last year either. It was an extremely hard year for me. It has now been 22 years, and I have gotten used to it but not over it. God Bless you, I will remember you in my prayers.

  427. I am so sorry- what you experienced in your family is all too common, unfortunately. We have a post about exactly what you describe here: https://whatsyourgrief.com/family-fighting-after-a-death/. Not sure if it would be helpful for you at this point, but I figure it couldn’t hurt to pass along. Wishing you continued healing in the new year.

  428. Yes, death brings out the best and the worst in families but I have found that the money, the estate and money brought out the worst in my family. Behaviors I have never seen… I am just glad it is all over and divided but still have some healing because of it.

  429. Glad to see someone who feels like I felt. Thanks for sharing.

  430. 1) Whatever you are feeling is right for you to feel – trust yourself.

    2) If you find you can’t picture their face, don’t panic – that ability will return when to do so is not so painful.

    3) Religious faith can also be strengthened by loss.

  431. Read the list, but not all the comments so apologies if someone has already mentioned this:

    Not only should you “debrief” after care-giving but also during care-giving. I took care of my late husband for 10 years before he died. Eventually a weekend away every 3-4 months wasn’t enough, but it was better than never taking time away.

    Also, with every new loss, the old ones rise up in memory.

    Eventually you have to stop feeling sorry for yourself and embrace joy again — because joy is possible — eventually. It may take some time, and every one has a different experience, but it will come…if you allow it.

    Recovering joy in your life is not a bad thing.

  432. I would only add that grief is not about death, it is about loss. I lost my mother to cancer and my father to alzheimers. Watching them suffer was one of the worst experiences of my life. My mother’s death was like literally watching the worst horror movie ever made. It is nothing like death is portrayed in the media. It was nasty, smelly, nightmarish; the adjectives fail me. While my father’s actual death was much more peaceful, his life during those final years was disturbing and very painful. I lost him years before he actually died.

    I have breast cancer. As a result, I lost my health, my career, my financial stability, my marriage, my home, many “friends”, my children’s innocence, my ability to mother. I endured amputation of a beloved and important body part; I endured incomprehensible physical pain; I endured significant physical changes; I live with the fear of an excruciating death by a known and monstrous enemy; I lost “me” as I knew her. I cannot really even describe the losses caused by serious illness. I can only tell you that I have had days where I nearly prayed for the cancer to kill me just to avoid more loss and pain. Grief did not destroy me only by God’s grace and mercy.

    So, I say that grief is fundamentally about loss. Deep, permanent, profound loss. There is no comparison between loss because each of us experience losses differently. It is critical that we respect each person’s truth. Respect your own truth. DO NOT LET ANYONE TELL YOU HOW OR WHAT TO FEEL WHEN. They will try. RESIST. Own your truth.

  433. This may be true but I have seen in the last 6 months 2 mothers say in groups that their grief was worse than others. One was a mother telling one of her surviving children her grief was worse than sibling loss. The other a mother said that her grief was worse than losing your spouse of 25 years. When you are in grief it is the worse one. It is a very bad idea to compete for who is grieving the most and making it into a competition rather than being supportive.

  434. Carolyn, that is a great point about the physical pain. I am surprised others have not mentioned it! That pain is such a common experience, coming in different forms, but effecting so many grievers. I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your father and brother . . .you are very right that grief never ends.

  435. Everyone has to grieve in their own way and at their own time. Though I am sure your children just don’t want to see you suffering, the reality is that you have to grieve in the way that works for you. It can be very hard to part with belongings and there is no ‘right time’. Some people cannot bear to look at things and want to get rid of them right away, other people keep things for years. We have some tips and discussion around this topic here: https://whatsyourgrief.com/sorting-through-belongings/

    Videos and photos can be of great comfort and those can be a part of your life forever. In my mind “looking forward” isn’t about one day turning off the past. Instead it is about integrating the past with a new present and a new future — it isn’t about “letting go” so much as finding a way to incorporate the past into a present and future that we can feel positive about. That can take a lot of time, but take it at the pace that is right for you. Seeing a grief counselor or going to a support group can sometimes help with that. Take care this holiday – you’ll be in our thoughts.

  436. Years later, you may have a moment when you forget that person is dead, and you will lose them all over again.

  437. Death has no time frame nor does it have an age limit. Guilt accompanies laughter. Let the guilt go.

  438. (((Jennifer)))

  439. ((((Melody)))

  440. This is a great list but I would add that there are people who will become better friends because they really want to help but they don’t always stick around. They move on and their increased friendship was brought on by good intentions but it’s over for them or they don’t know how to handle the grief or new you.

  441. Even when you are half insane from grief , bills still need to be paid. On Time. Sounds like a no-brainer? At the time it struck me as odd – don´t “they” know I lost my child? That I walk out the door like a zombie with two different shoes on and talk out loud to my daughter in the street? That´s a mighty humbling lesson – the world goes on and your broken heart is one of millions and milions and millions and is just that – your own private broken heart. Felt like I swallowed a hand grenade but still had to balance the checkbook.

  442. I have to agree, Carol. My God, there are no words for this at all. I tried to use words but the best I could come up with was – Now,I believe in Hell because I´m in it. That was 9 1/2 years ago. My daughter was 14 1/2. I would´ve gladly thrown myself in the grave so she wouldn´t be alone and, yes, so I could escape the pain.

  443. I’ve got a couple.

    Members of your immediate family will began to play a strange little game called “I hurt the most. ” It will consume them, and may simply fail to see the grief in others.

    My father moved to CA when my mom passed away. My brother wanted to move into the house, and I was not allowed to stay. I was forced to find a place in a month.

    I felt abandoned and alone. It wasn’t easy, but I had to let it go, it was destroying me.

    Nothing will ever prepare you for seeing a loved one on a respirator for the very first time. It is extremely mechanical, and was the farthest thing from breathing normal I’ve ever seen.

  444. I wish someone had told me about the physical pain that is felt. I was 19 when my father passed at age 41 and I was sick to my stomach for weeks after. Then when by oldest brother died at 59 and I was 61 I felt like someone kicked me in the stomach. I felt that pain every time I would think about him. It’s been 3 years since we lost my brother and I still feel that pain at times. My mother has never gotten over grieving for my dad or for my brother. Sometimes grief never ends. We just learn to live with it.

  445. I totally agree…My prayers are with You…

  446. My Husband passed at the age of 44 due to complications from diabetes on Feb. 4th 2011. We were married 23 yrs. and have 3 children. I will never get over losing Him in this life. Our love Story is not over and I believe We will pick up when My time comes to join Him in Heaven. He was My Soul Mate and My Children have said I need to look forward…sorry but I can’t….not now……I can not let go…..I still have all of his things just as they were….His cologne and tooth brush still on His side of the sink….I still watch the video that was made to play at His Funeral….I still need to see Him…just wished I could hear Him say…I Love You…one more time….

  447. Although I agree with these for the most part some are different when it comes to a child. I lost a husband and a daughter. I find myself on a weekly basis grieving over the things I didn’t get to experience with her.

    I’ve lost more friends since their passing and cut more family out of my life in the last several years because people just don’t get it. I’m never going to reach a point in life where “POOF” I’m better and back to my normal self. That part of me died when they died.

  448. oh, I am so sorry Hilda. Thank you for sharing. I am sure so many people can sadly relate . . .

  449. Kristen, I am so sorry that you lost your husband – an so young. . . I think our initial inclination is to run from the grief and the pain. I mean, why would we want to do anything but run from it! But I have no doubt you are right that it can make us stronger, fiercier, and more amazing people than we ever knew we could be. If only we didn’t have to find such pain to grow into the people we become after a death.

  450. Oh Ruth, I can relate so much to what you say about measuring life in deaths in your family. Period in my life are defined as before or after the loss of certain people. Friends and significant others can be defined by whether they met or did not meet certain important people in my life. I suspect you are right – the best we can do is remember the good times, and treasure each day knowing exactly how precious life is. Thank you so much for sharing your experience here.

  451. Michael, sorry for the delay in my reply. The thing about grief is that it ebbs and flows — we can go for months or even years and feel pretty stable, then have something trigger our grief to resurface with a vengeance. It is normal to feel crazy, but if you are concerned about the degree or duration I would strongly encourage you to see a counselor or attend a grief group.

  452. Oh Tonia, that is an unimaginable amount of loss in such a short period. If you haven’t already, it may be helpful to check out our post on cumulative grief. It may give some insight into some of the unique challenges of coping with so many losses. I am sure these holidays will be so tough — wishing you comfort and strength.

  453. This is so true and an under-recognized loss. We can grieve so many futures we will never have, for so many reasons, and this ‘losses’ of things we never had can be extremely devastating. Thanks for mentioning this one, Melody.

  454. Lori, I am so sorry for your loss, and for the pain and regret that has come from the actions of your family. You bring up such an important problem, which is the deep and painful impact of losing someone who your family may not have loved and cared for in the same way that you do. I think this is a more common experience than many people care to talk about. I am so sorry for what you went through with your mom, but I suspect your words and experience may inspire someone else facing similar challenges to stand up for their own wants and needs. This can be so hard when you are grieving and when others have forceful personalities, but it can be so important. I am know you will never be able to get those items back to share with your children, but I hope there is some comfort in the memories you can share with them of your husband.

  455. Oh Elisa, that is so much loss and I cannot even imagine the pain of the 6 months not knowing where your son was. Thank you for sharing here, and you are in my thoughts this holiday season . . .

  456. This is so true, Ruth. So many (even who have been through a loss) may not relate to caring for someone through their death. Have you considered a grief group through a local hospice? That may be a space you could connect with others who share that common experience.

  457. I drank more beer in the two years following my wife’s death than in the fifteen years before. Nothing prepares you for the death of a spouse.


  458. Jennifer – I signed up to applaud the bravery in what you’ve just said.

    I agree that speaking out the truth is healing, which you have done. I am not as strong as you, the death of my dear sweet husband has just about killed my will to live.

    I lost both parents young (aged 14 / my father) (age 22/my mother) lost a child, first husband pretended to be married to someone else when actually still married to me @ time (so divorce age 27), multiple serious losses and trauma due to The Troubles in Northern Ireland, and I fought back, somehow sprung back to live again … but the recent loss of my husband who embraced me with the love of Christ and gave me the happiness I’d always missed, has just about destroyed my will to live.

    I have felt like I have nothing else to loose – but my professional career as a health care professional, I pray I never loose that, but nothing can replace my husband, even I met someone new – which I hope God sends my way, because this just isn’t practical, I have nothing now, and live in a strange new place as we’d left Northern Ireland due to The Troubles.

    Your bravery has helped me tonight, as it is now 4am and after having an intruder in the house last week who traumatised me further, I can’t sleep properly now. Thank you for your encouragement by ‘speaking the truth in love’.

  459. Losing a child, in our developed culture, does not “seem” like the normal order of things… I.e. Is not normal. But in reality in most of history losing children to illness or accidents or miscarriages, or in birth, was not that uncommon and still is part of the “normal” that many people in the world still live with. And in fact, it happens quite a bit in our USA. People just assume that it won’t happen to them, and for many people they are lucky that it doesn’t.
    “You aren’t supposed to outlive your children.” Who says?? Certainly no one wants to, but we really have no idea what is or isn’t “supposed” to happen. As one who’s lost 2 children I actually find this reAlity helpful to me, to realize I am not special, my grief is not special, I am not a victim of an unjust world, I am not entitled because my loss is somehow “worse”. Life is hard, terrible things happen. My lesson is to be open to the pain of the world and try to have, more and more, a compassionate heart. In honor and memory of the angels I have lost, I hope I can live up to that lesson.

  460. I have buried my only two children (one from a car wreck and one from cystic fibrosis) and my mother (I was the only daughter and we were very close), but losing my husband 21 months ago has been the worst loss of all. We loved our children and I still grieve over their loss, but now I have no one to share those memories with and have lost my love, best friend, partner who was my “rock” through all the other trials of life. I have no rock to lean on now.

  461. I lost the love my life nearly 13 yrs and tho I have accepted that “hes not coming back” and have done my best to continue on with life as much as I can, the pain and sadness still grab me at some point every day!! I still cry……alot!! I do what I have to do but its just always there. He was my heart, my best friend, my rock, my everything. We grew up together, married at 18 and 22, had and raised our babies together, had lots of plans for “when the kids are grown and gone and we hit those golden years”, looked forward to hanging out with our grandchildren,……….unfortunately it was all taken away too soon, the kids were 21 and 24, so we were seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and “our time” was coming………but cancer took him instead, I was 46 and he had just turned 50, married 28 great years and not a single regret, but been such a struggle since. 🙁 As for people “comparing” and giving advice that makes you want to run and scream is a given. My “worse” came when about a month after he died, I had just gone back to work……….when a co worker came up to me one morning and said “Well now I really know what you went thru, cause last nite I lost my best friend too”. (She was single, divorced for years, her babies were all dogs and cats which I knew she was very close to) So I said “You lost your best friend last nite? Then why are you here today”? Shes like “Well I am really tired thats for sure but thought it better to come to work and be distracted. My arms are killing me tho cause I spent the whole night, never even went to bed, digging a hole in my backyard, buried him, then showered and came to work”. Well my mouth dropped………I said YOU BURIED YOUR BEST FRIEND IN YOUR BACKYARD”???? Turns out she was talking about her DOG!! I truly wanted to reach out and choke her!! I do get it, I know people do very attached to their animals, but to say you now know how “I” felt………..you are comparing losing your dog to my losing my husband??????? I had to get away from her………..quickly!! 🙁

  462. I wish some had told me how it hurts to sleep without your life partner and it breaks your heart when you give the clothes away,

  463. A death of a loved one does not prepare you for the death of the next loved one.
    Being in ones life daily leaves a bigger wound to heal and a scar to remember forever.

  464. I was lucky,we were given a time frame, the longest was 2 years , we planned his funeral as a family , he picked it all out, wrote thank yous to the doctors, pallbearers, father and goodbye letters to our kids, they were also involved in all the medical choices, ( my dAd died when ias 16) , we had kids that age so they were involved, he got rid of his things in his time so I didn’t have too ,he made the transition a bit easier for us, however he was burn on Christmas , died at Easter time and our daughters birthday , married around thanksgiving, he nailed them all, I still talk to him very loudly and throw things just in case he’s here and I hit him, lol I get mad at dome things he left for me yo take of yet which is one , we went to our lawyer Nd accountant , to start the process of taking care of things before he died, give yourself the extra day before the funeral it’s easier , I even made the entire funeral lunch , most of the time when people ask is there something we can do let us know , bare in mid they really don’t mean it!!!! Be kind to yourself and find a really good pillow to sleep with ! I wish everyone well wishes on your personal journey !!!!

  465. *People will say crass and cruel things that devalue how you feel and discredit the deceased as a human being while sanctifying other deceased family members that they valued more.
    *Sometimes you’ll feel like ending your life (I hope not). Just validating that those feelings are in even unlikely people. If this is you, do what I did and find a. Support system.
    *Beware of counselors who are not grief related. My experience, I got diagnosed with all sorts of new Ailments and got pills thrown at me. If your dr is a good dr he will not treat you like you’re crazy. Grief is not a mental illness.
    *Be on your own terms . If you do have to attend potentially uncomfortable family functions beware of triggers. Go in your own vehicle so you not stuck being dependent in someone else’s terms and always map out an escape route. You may need one.

  466. Not all grief is from death! Betrayal is a loss that you grieve!

    • Did you read Number 1? I suggest you do. This is about grief from DEATH. If you want to discuss grief after betrayal, I suggest you find a board for that. In the meantime, please don’t angrily exclaim that that the author should have addressed grief after betrayal.

      Not nice.

  467. P.S. This was painful to read. I had to keep taking breaks. But then I shared it with all my grieving friends. I lost my 41-year-old husband two years ago this month. I want so much to run as far and as fast from the grief as I can…while at the same time acknowledging that I like the woman I’ve become since surviving loss so much better than who I was before. It’s just one contrast after another of resisting and accepting.

    • So happy for you that you like you you have become. My husband died six months ago and I only want to die too. I don’t like who I have become and I don’t want a new life.
      I keep reading about a “new normal” I am living an “abnormal” and don’t want it!

  468. Grief puts you in a club you wish you were not in…but the connection is so strong and so emotional with others who grieve, that you’re thankful for the club at the same time as wanting to escape it!

  469. Litsa, thank you for all your replies to those who posted about your list.
    You are really thoughtful and kind. I lost a beautiful, smart daughter who was 23 years old, in 1980. That’s 33 years of pain for our family. My husband only survived 10 years after her death, he was devastated by it. He was just 46 when we lost her, (she suffered for many years with epilepsy) but he never got over it. At least he lived long enough to have had a life, but my only consolation about my daughter is that she didn’t have to suffer anymore, and would never have another seizure. Losing a child is indeed the worst thing that can happen to a parent, no matter what their age. My younger brother died at 50, when my mother was 85, and it destroyed her, a very strong woman all her life, but his death just made her fall to pieces and she died a year later…so my life is measured by the deaths in our family. We who survive try to remember the good times not the deaths, that’s all we have, so we cherish the photos and the memories. You never “get over” it…

  470. Feel like i’m going crazy but #24 and #40 say that is normal. Does that remain so 7 years after losing 3yo son.

  471. Hi Janna
    I lost my brother (my only sibling) and I worry about having enough energy to do for my parents when they need help in the coming years, and losing them eventually. Know what u mean.

  472. another one:

    You will think back on all the wrongs and the hurts. There will be anger. You will survive that too.

  473. Thanks for the list. I have had to grieve too many over the last 6 months. My father on May 9, my mother on Oct 3 and my father in law on november 17. I have been up and down so much over these last 6 months. Its true the ones you thought would be there aren’t. It has made me bitter. It has torn at our family. I havnt had time to grieve one before another. My father was unexpected and sudden and was just a huge blow then my mother just 5 months later was slow and painful to watch and was absolutely agonizing then to top it of my father in law was short but drawn out in the 2 1/2 weeks it lasted. I ask the question over and over why. This has truly been the hardest year of my life. My husband and I jokingly say we are orphans now but it feels real. I feel a if my heart my soul and every being of me has been shattered into a million pieces and there is not enough glue or tape to fix it. I know I don’t want to hear it will be alright because it won’t. I want to cry, scream, fight and laugh. I just want you there when I need you there.

  474. LW, I am so sorry for your loss. I am sorry you didn’t get to say goodbye.

  475. You do grieve what you never had, children never borne because of cancer.

  476. Do not allow anyone to tell you how to grieve. They will tell you to let go and get over it and stop crying it won’t bring them back…etc…DO NOT LISTEN TO THEM. I have found that these are the people who have never experienced a tragedy let alone an sudden unexpected tragic death of a loved one. You have to go through the steps of grief in the order that they come to you and resolve them and work through them in the tine that it takes you. Do not gage your grief by the way others grieve as everyone is different. A large regret I have is not putting my for down to my family when certain members took it upon themselves to control aspects of my husband’s death that were quite frankly not their business to handle. My husband’s mother went through all of his belongings and took what she wanted for herself and her husband, then allowed her other son to go threw everything and take what he wanted. Then gave what was left to my kids and I. My children had every right to their fathers belongings and instead of fighting for that I let it go as to not make waves and never cause them any more pain then they already were going through. I know I had the most respectful of intentions and I’m happy to have not upset any of them but my children have nothing of their fathers. The little that was allowed for us to take was clothing…This brings me to my largest regret. My own mother…My mom, not having liked my husband therefore having no love loss with him passing took it upon herself to remove all of his clothing em she could grab before my coming outside to her car and she took it all away. I attempted to grab some shirts out…favorites I bought him or the kids would remember him in but she took it all away. I was able to call her and beg her to not dispose of them as she planned to give it all to charity. (Again…NOT HER PLACE TO DO SO!!!) but as she is a seamstress I begged and pleaded for her to at least do a quilt project with our 2 kids and allow them to select from his clothing special pieces and cut quilting squares out from them and sew blankets so they can always have a special keep sake to feel close to him. They selected their favorite pieces of their daddy’s clothing…she set them aside…and she got rid of all of it. I wish that I was not ands respectful towards her when she took all of his clothing. I wish I would have fought her on it harder and to any means possible. I wish I would have stood up to both mothers…my children’s grandmothers, and demanded his property back and had the balls to put them both in their place so my kids could have some of their daddy’s belongings. In the moment when all I could do was try to get up everyday and keep moving forward comforting my kids, raising them and providing for them…The last thing on my mind was anything material. He had multiple cars. Some specialty mustangs that Kurt kind of “disappeared” on his own family’s side. Our kids would have lived and cherished those and used them as well. I wish I knew to fight for their rights to their daddy’s belongings from theft, thoughtlessness and destruction. I just had so much more on my mind that it hardly registered. If i went back I would have taken it all and locked it up and kept the key hidden away for my kiddos. And every time anyone told me to get over it…I now wish I would have slapped em all. Not to be violent but quite frankly they deserved it. I should have kept the kids and my own needs in front of others nosey rude ways and fought them all. But i wanted to keep peace and never cause any problems for anyone. Now I’m left with regrets for not having a backbone and there is nothing I can do about it.

  477. Everyone grieves differently and no one death is the same as another. My husband died at 42 unexpectedly and I thought it was the worst thing that would ever happen to me.2 years and a week later my son disappeared, it took 6 months to find him in his truck in a canal. I learned never to say this is the worst thing that can ever happen. I learned that all the comments made about losing a husband were true. I learned losing a child is a lot worse than losing a husband. But, I also know you live your own experiences and realities and telling that to someone grieving over a spouse or parent makes no sense. Their reality is their grief and it’s the worst for them.

  478. All of the things on the list touched me so deeply. death is so final. My wishes are to just touch Mom again and feel her angel kisses on my cheek and say my name, which noone does, would make me so happy. I need someone who has been by a loved ones side and talked them through the dying process and felt their last heartbeat. Not many have done this and I find that lots of people cannot understand what death is all about. I cherish that last moment. I feel at peace that Mom is in a better place now, but only if I could hold her again.

  479. Thank you, Litsa! I did share this article on my Facebook. Thank you as well for your permission to share the article further (and likely others too). For sure, I will make this one available to others whom I think would need to read it. Now, I’ll check o