64 Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me About Grief

Understanding Grief / Understanding Grief : Litsa Williams


We think about grief a lot around here – we write about types of grief, grief theory, personal reflections, creative expression for coping with grief, practical ideas for managing grief, and on and on and on.  But there are some days that all seems like a lot to take in.  We think back to the basics.  Not the theory stuff, not the ideas about how to cope — just the really basic things that people never tell you about grief.  

So, with your help, that is what we have today — a quick and dirty list of the things we wish we had known about grief before we knew anything about grief.  If it’s in quotes, it is something one of our fabulous readers shared with us on Twitter or Facebook.  If you finish this post and you’re annoyed about all the things we forgot, leave a comment to keep the list going.

I wish someone had told me . . .

1.No matter how prepared you think you are for a death, you can never be fully prepared for the loss and the grief.

2. You can plan for death, but death does not always comply with our wishes or plans.

3. “Stop avoiding and be present”.

4. “Dying is not like you see on TV or in the movies.  It is not peaceful or prepared.  You may not have a spiritual or meaningful moment . . . It’s too real”.

5. A hospital death is not always a bad death.

6. A home death/hospice death is not always a good death.

7. “There will be pressure from others to move on, even minutes or hours after a death, and this can lead to regrets”.

8. “Death is not an emergency – there is always time to step back and take a moment to say goodbye”

9. Death and grief make people uncomfortable, so be prepared for awkward encounters.

10. You will plan the funeral while in a haze.  If you aren’t happy with the funeral you had, have another memorial service later.

11. When people offer support, take them up on it.

 

12. People will bring you food because they don’t know what else to do.  Don’t feel bad throwing it away.

13. People will say stupid, hurtful things without even realizing it.

14. People will tell you things that aren’t true about your grief.

15. Death brings out the best and the worst in families, so be prepared.

16. There is no such thing as closure.

17. There is no timeline for grieving.  You can’t rush it.  You will grieve, in some form, forever.

18. “There will always be regrets.  No matter how much time you had, you’ll always want more”.

19. Guilt is a normal part of grief.

20. Anger is normal part of grief.

21. “The pain of a loss is a reflection of love, but you never regret loving as hard as you can”.

22. Grief can make you question your faith.

23. “Grief doesn’t come in 5 neat stages.  Grief is messy and confusing”.

24. Grief makes you feel like you are going crazy.

 

25. Grief can make you question your life, your purpose, and your goals.  And that isn’t always a bad thing.

26. We all grieve differently, which can create strain and confusion between family members and friends.

 27. “However badly you think it is going to hurt, it is going to be a million times worse”.

 28. You may find comfort in very unexpected places.

29. “You should go somewhere to debrief after caregiving”.

 30. “The last 24 hours of their lives will replay in your mind”.

31. Trying to protect children from death and the emotions of grief isn’t helpful.

32. “It’s sometimes necessary to seek out new ways to grieve on your own, find new guidance if the people who are supposed to be supportive simply haven’t learned how”.

33. “You grieve your past, present, and future with that person”.

34. Big life events and milestones will forever be bittersweet.

 

35. Grief triggers are everywhere – you will see things that remind you of your loved one all over the place, and it may lead to sudden outbursts of emotion.

36. “You lose yourself, your identity, meaning, purpose, values, your trust”.

37. Holidays, anniversaries, and birthdays will be hard forever.

38. People will tell you what you should and shouldn’t feel and how you should and shouldn’t grieve.  Ignore them.

39. “The grief process is about not only mourning the loss, but getting to know yourself as a different person”.

40. There is no normal when it comes to grieving.

41. Sometimes it gets worse before it gets better.

42. “It is normal to feel numb after it happens.  The tears will come. They come in waves”.

43. Grief can make you feel selfish and entitled, and that’s okay (at least for a while).

44. Meeting new people, who never knew the person who died, can be hard and sad.  But eventually it can be nice to “introduce” them through stories and photographs.

45. The practice of sending thank you notes after a funeral is a cruel and unusual tradition.

46.“People love to judge how you are doing.  Watch out for those people”.

 

47. You can’t compare grief or compare losses, though people will try.

48. Any loss you grieve is a valid loss, though people will sometimes make you feel otherwise.

49. “Just because you feel pretty good one day it doesn’t mean you are cured of your grief”.

50. There are many days when you will feel totally and completely alone, whether you are or not.

51. Grief can make you do stupid, crazy things.  They may be what you need at the time time, but you may regret them later.  Cut yourself some slack.

52. Grief can make you a stronger person than you were before.

53. Grief counseling doesn’t mean you’re crazy or weak.

54. It is okay to cry sometimes.

55. It is okay NOT to cry sometimes.

56. “Time does NOT heal all wounds”.

57. “Grief re-writes your address book”. Sometimes the people you think will be there for you are not.  People you never expect become your biggest supporters.

 

58. “You don’t get over it, you just get used to it”.

59. It is okay to tell people when they are not being helpful.

60. Watch your drinking– alcohol can quickly become an unhealthy friend.

61. You will have to face your emotions eventually – you can avoid them for a while, but they will catch up with you in the end.

62. Talking isn’t the only way to express and process emotions.

63. You will never go back to being your “old self”.  Grief changes you and you are never the same.

64. Nothing you do in the future will change your love for the person who died.  Eventually, you will begin to enjoy life again, date again, have another child, seek new experiences, or whatever.  None of these things will diminish your love for the person you lost.

What do you wish someone had told you about grief that we left off the list??  Leave a comment to keep the list going. 

 
 

Let’s be grief friends.

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901 Comments on "64 Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me About Grief"

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  1. Laurie  August 30, 2020 at 5:44 am Reply

    65. I find it surprising and cruel that noone tells you how little the heart ache and loneliness changes after a year.
    66. Did that last one sound a bit angry? That survived a year too.
    67. Don’t grieve, anything you lose comes round in another form. – Rumi

  2. Ki87  August 28, 2020 at 10:18 pm Reply

    I lost my 33 year old son this year. He killed himself by suspension hanging and I found him on the night of the 22nd April, in his garage. I witnessed my worst nightmare, seeing my beloved beautiful boy, dead in front of me. I couldn’t save him, it was too late. I am haunted by that sight and it is on my mind all the time. It was dark that night and I had to find the switch in the garage, I was already terrified of what I was going to find, but when that light came on my whole world ended right there, in that moment. I can’t bear to think he is dead, although I know it’s true. My brain can’t process the reality. I can’t stop thinking about him and what he went through to die. My heart hurts in a physical way, not just an emotion. I cry for him every day and miss him so much. I can’t bear the thought of never seeing him again and would rather be dead than live with this grief. It is debilitating. There is no hope of ever getting over it. I yearn for him to be back, to turn the clock back and been able to save him. I don’t function normally and try to keep my feelings to myself, so that my other family don’t worry about me.
    But, I’m not okay, I can’t be okay. I constantly think of ways to die that won’t be as traumatic as my son’s, I can’t do that to them. So I’m always thinking of other ways. Don’t get me wrong, I love life, my family and my other two sons. You expect you are going to outlive your kids, this is an unnatural order of things. As much as I love them all, I can’t stop thinking of my own death and how to get out of here and be with Dean, for eternity. It doesn’t seem right that he’s in the ground and I’m tending his grave and not spending time with him. I feel bereft, full of guilt and regrets, that I couldn’t do more, didn’t believe this could happen or realise he felt that low. I can’t see life getting any better or time healing my broken heart. I get no pleasure in anything and don’t want to go out. The only thing that forces me out, most days is my dog. I could slump on the sofa, mindlessly watching TV all day. I can’t be bothered with myself or cleaning the house. It all seems pointless. I’m sick of pretending I’m okay. I feel like I’m having a nervous breakdown. I am not me anymore. I wish my son had known how much he was loved, wanted and that he meant more than life to me. I wish for many things that can never happen. I want to believe there is a spirit world and he is still with me, but I’m not sure I can believe. It’s final, it’s painful, it’s irrevocable and never ending. I can’t work and I’m getting in a mess financially, but I don’t care anymore. Nothing matters now. I just wait for my death to come and take me away from the pain.
    I have PTSD, deep sadness, anxiety and my heart hurts so much. How do you get through this? He left two children, 9 and 11. How could he do that? What possessed him to do it? He had a break up with his girlfriend a couple of weeks before, she left him during lockdown, left him alone and isolated. I broke the ‘RULES’ and kept going to visit him, keeping in touch with him everyday. I was with him the night before, we made plans for the weekend. I had no inkling when he dropped me off at home, that would be the last time I would see him alive. The shock and trauma of finding him dead has caused me, what I can only describe as brain damage. An irrevocable damage that time won’t heal. I go to bed with one of his old tops, just to keep something that smells of him near me. I am scared of the dark and need a night light now, before, I couldn’t bear the slightest chink of light. I’m scared to open doors into rooms that are in darkness and this just goes on and on. I think I’ve been getting worse with my thoughts and feelings, rather than any better. That is worrying, because I know I simply can’t keep living if it just gets worse. Oh why, why did he do it? I wish for him to come to me, to tell me why and whether he really intended to go the whole way, or if he couldn’t stop it. I have these thoughts because his fingers were in the rope as if he was trying to get it looser. He might have passed out in 20 seconds and then he couldn’t stop it. I have so many questions and will never know the answers. I do believe if he had known the anguish and despair he would cause to the family, but especially me, the one that loved him before he was born and bore him safely into this world and loved him unconditionally, he would never have done it. So, I can’t think he even thought about the aftermath of his actions and if he did it over the girl that left him, that breaks my heart even more. He could have got through that, I would have helped him with anything. I just can’t bear him being in such a dark place, on his own and he must have been scared, it’s such a hard thing to do. God bless you my son, I love you and always will and I cannot wait for the day they lay me down beside you and we are together for eternity.
    I wish I’d known just how bad the pain would be and how my life would become so meaningless, before I knew this type of complicated grief. It makes you want to die.

    • Litsa  August 29, 2020 at 6:24 pm Reply

      I am so sorry for the unimaginable and unbearable loss you are going through. Please know that your life here is still important and has meaning, just as your son’s did. You describe so many things that people feel in grief – feeling like you have lost yourself and are going crazy. Talking to a therapist or going to a group for others who have lost a child or a loved one to suicide may be a big help in giving you a space to be fully open and honest with your suffering. It is absolutely okay that you are not doing okay and it is important you can share that. If you look on grief.com there is a listing of grief therapists by state. The compassionate friends is also a peer support group for parents who have lost children. If you are thinking of hurting yourself, or even if you just need someone to talk with, please call the national suicide helpline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit their website where you can do a live online chat https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

    • Loreen  September 10, 2020 at 10:33 pm Reply

      Don’t give up. Just hang on. There’s still good in this world despite how impossibly hard it is to see. It is there. It’s in those two beautiful grandchildren. Remember the good things. Remember the love. Just don’t give up.

  3. Heather  August 14, 2020 at 12:46 am Reply

    After you experience loss, you realize that there are two kinds of people. The “befores” and the “afters.” The befores have never experienced deep grief of death of someone close. They think they understand, but they don’t. They are the ones that will try to “cheer you up” and look for you to be “over it” quickly. Life still seems limitless to them, and they still feel somewhat as if it goes on forever. The afters, are the ones that will sit next to you. They will just be. The afters feel their own loss and mortality. You are a different person after a serious loss. And you are a different person in dealing with other people. We can’t blame the befores. They will be with us someday. But it sure is hard to deal with them sometimes.

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  4. Mary  August 13, 2020 at 7:11 am Reply

    I lost my father 25 years ago, I was only 22, it was sudden and he had never been ill. The night he passed was traumatic for me. 20 years later I was diagnosed with a form of PTSD.

    5 years after my dad passed my mum’s health deteriorated. Then for 20 years we have had numerous health scares, actually said good yet to her 10 years ago follow a brain bleed but she survived and lived for another 11 years. So, for 20 years I anticipated and feared her death, feared not being able to stay with her at that moment. About 18 months before she passed I had a breakthrough with a counsellor, my fear wasn’t her death but her leaving me as well, I had unresolved grief because the final piece of the puzzle should have been the event of her death. Due to her health issues I missed her just getting old and frail, I fought with her and for her for so long but you cannot night aging.

    Nearly 12 months ago she finally stopped fighting and left us, after 20 years her death came suddenly And unexpectedly following a fractured hip (second time in a year different leg!). Within 36 hours of her fall she was gone. We always said what we wanted and needed, and we told her often that if dad came for her she was to take his hand and go with him. Her death was so peaceful, so many loved ones were there with us. I did it, I held her hand, talked to her, stroked her face and I let her go.

    I thought I was going ok. I did all the practical things, cried a lot, funeral was beautiful, then all the firsts start and the feelings don’t come out how you expect. I experience anxiety attacks, my pain sits in the middle of my chest and I keep fearing attacks, then the Pandemic crisis hit, and we have had the fear of god put into us! I have spent 5 months living in fear, with huge anxiety. Now things are settling down I am still left with this anxiety, but the year anniversary is rapidly approaching and I don’t feel like I have lived 12 months without her. I am not ready for that milestone.

    But what I have learned recently is this isn’t anxiety, it’s grief and it is only now having the chance to process properly and it hurts like hell. But I know I have to feel it, to heal it, so I am riding the waves and my beautiful family are supporting me. I known Now I thought once the pain stops I would think less of myself and my love for her but that just simply isn’t true, after 25 years I love my dad and think so much about him so I know how this works, I just thought somehow I would bypass the pain because it was her time. It was her time and she is at peace, but this bit for me has to be let in, and I will. Which is how I found this page, because this isn’t anxiety it is grief.

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    • Cathy  August 19, 2020 at 7:30 pm Reply

      Hi mary i totally get how you feel and its nice to no somebody feels the same i just lost my sister 9 months ago suddenly i was having a cup of tea with her and she didn’t seem well so i called the next day to see how she was to find her been resutated and she was pronounced dead she was ondly 48 and 5 years previous i called again for a cup of tea where we fou d her so dead apparently both of them had phenomena i think it was cova with my sister and my story goes on 10 years previous my brother was killed in a car crash and 9 months later my mum died now my dad 9months after my sister this week we have been told he has an anarisim and needs an opp asap as its a time bomb im so scared and the pain of it all is so hard and people can be difficult when trying to support iv been told you need to get on with it because you will b in an early grave i mean im just supposed to smile and move on its so hard i feel exactly what you feel the panic the fear and so nervous its so hard this is tbe first time iv ever commented on line im hopeing somebody can understand

      • K  September 3, 2020 at 7:41 am

        Cathy, you have been through so much, I just wanted to see how you’re doing? No one can tell you how to feel, I know it comes from a place of concern and love – they want you to be ok. But I too have experienced sudden loss and the shock, let alone the grief, is debilitating. Sending you a hug.

  5. Cat  August 12, 2020 at 9:53 pm Reply

    I lost my boyfriend about 2 weeks ago and I don’t think I’m going to be okay ever again. I’ve been in relationships before but this was different. He was my best friend, my soulmate, my everything. Even though we had such a short time together those were the best days of my life. I don’t want to be here. I feel numb. I cry everyday until I can’t breathe then do it all over again. He wasn’t suppose to die. He did everything right and yet was always trying to be better. It’s not fair that a senseless act took him away from me and his family. My heart physically hurts. I don’t eat, sleep or get out of bed. I think about him all the time. I read our old messages, look at pictures and still go onto his social media pages. The funeral is this weekend and I know have to be there but I don’t want to go. Going makes everything I’m feeling real and I don’t want that. He made me a better person and now I just feel empty and defeated. I’m not okay, I don’t want to be here but killing my self will only bring more pain to my family. He would be very mad at me if I chose the easy way out so I won’t do it despite how badly I want to be with him again. Everyday since the incident I wish it was me instead of him. He’s so much stronger than me… I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I can’t help but feel like if I had done something different that I wouldn’t have to be writing this message right now. We lost him the day before his birthday, I had so many surprises for him. I’ve never cared about someone so much before and when I finally got the chance to experience true love he was taken from me. I don’t think I’ll be happy ever again. I wish everyone would stop asking me if I’m okay. I’m not and don’t want to be okay if he’s not here.

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    • Lou c  September 11, 2020 at 7:30 pm Reply

      Cat, honey! I’m so sorry for the loss of your dear beloved. I pray for you. Sending you love.

  6. Jeanette Winslow  July 27, 2020 at 3:23 pm Reply

    You have a giant hole in your heart that will never go away.

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  7. Linda  June 15, 2020 at 7:47 pm Reply

    People tell you things are going to be OK. They probably will, but even then they will never be the same.

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  8. L  June 14, 2020 at 3:07 am Reply

    i lost one of my closest friends to suicide about 10 months ago. i still think about him everyday and miss him just the same; one quote that a counsellor told me that helped describe my grief was “grief is like a hole, it never changes it shape but your life around it grows”. he was young, was to be 18 that year. i had to put down my youngest rabbit due to cancer about 5-6 months after my friend passed away. two different types of grief but they still hurt the same. you definitely are never prepared for the aftermath of death.

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  9. Nicole  June 11, 2020 at 11:47 pm Reply

    I just lost my mom on May 21, 2020 to a very short battle with ALS. She was my best friend. We lived together , worked together and spent almost all of our time together. She was only 61. I’m so angry that she’s gone. We had so much to do still. We’d never even been on a vacation together. There were still so many memories to be made, laughs to be had, hugs and kisses to be shared. I quit my job to become her caregiver and we thought we at least had all summer together (her favourite season). We’d just had a ramp built so I could take her outside. She was supposed to see me start nursing school in September and suddenly in the space of 3 weeks she declined so fast. She went into a delirium, extreme pain and then as her POA I had to make the decision to give her a sedated peaceful passing at home. Now the house feels empty. Everything feels wrong. I want to scream all the time and smash things but it scares my partner so I don’t . My brother is mad at me (actually said some pretty nasty things to me and we’ve never even really ever fought before and took off) because my mom and I were joint tenants on the house so now it’s mine (even though I told him he always has a place to live). We have to sell her Jeep (which she worked so hard for) to pay off her debts. Everything is just falling apart around me and I feel like I’m failing everyone and can’t fix anything and I just miss my mom so damn much. She’d know what to do, she always did, but now she’s gone and I’m so lost ?

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    • Joseph Chavarria  June 12, 2020 at 2:27 pm Reply

      I’ve never really commented on one of these before, but if it helps, I offer a small helpful statement a compassionate professor once told me, which was to just “do the next right thing.” If the next right thing is sleep, or a hot shower, or a run, or a cry session. Then those are great places to start. If a sale has to take place, or the water bill needs to be paid, or a doctor’s appointment is pending, and you have the strength for that day, then those are also good “right” things. My mother’s death at age 46 left me reeling inside, but I was next-of-kin at 23, and the choices I had to make hurt people tremendously, but there was no stopping that pain, the choices, just like there was no stopping her death. And hurt people , very often, hurt people. Life can only fall apart so much, and having lost your close friend and Mother, I wouldn’t be surprised if some of the stressful items on your to-do list just get crossed off without getting done because you simply have got a new set of priorities that day. For me, a point came when I was done feeling grief AND guilt for the living. Giving myself time and space to acquaint myself with my mother all over again, this time in my memories, my heart, gave me the moments I needed to do….everything. I offer this with sincere hope you’ll feel peace soon, and perhaps smile, maybe laugh maniacally. Grief is ruthless, and so are we. May your grief empower you towards healing and decisive forward motion.

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      • Darlene Miller  September 2, 2020 at 11:11 am

        Joseph, your comments are so kind and heartfelt. Expressing one to grieve in their on way and time.

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  13. Rose  May 6, 2020 at 10:56 am Reply

    My dad had me as his next of kin as I was the only one who was there for him and knew his wishes if it should ever come to that. When we had that conversation dad knew I would do everything he wanted and I was happy that he was comforted. The reality of that situation is hands down more HORRIBLE than anyone could ever imagine. I got a call out of the blue from a doctor asking me if they should put my dad on life support after he was rushed to hospital in cardiac arrest. I said yes and drove the 7 hours to be by his side. The next 4 days are a blur where I had to make so many choices without any support and praying for my dad to get better at least to wake up and speak with me. Then on the 5th day when his organs began shutting down i knew what i had to do – what he wanted me to do. So I signed the paperwork and lay beside him holding his hand with my head on his chest while they turned of his life support. I was alone and couldn’t bring myself to leave him. I couldn’t stop the rivers of tears. It was the day of his funeral after it was finished and I was alone in his home when my nightmare began. See my dad had a heartbeat and then I signed some forms and he was dead. I know that I did the right thing and would do it again but my mind has me feeling like I killed my dad.
    I have been diagnosed with PTSD and wouldn’t wish this on anyone.
    So please if you are reading this then please make 2 people in charge of your end of life choices. Even if you think or they say they can handle it- trust me it is too much for 1 person to take on

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  14. Tammy Dewberry  May 1, 2020 at 3:28 am Reply

    I lost my husband 6 weeks ago after 33 years. We found out 10 days before he died that he had metastatic pancreatic cancer. We spent many of the last 10 years fighting various unrelated medical issues. This article and the accompanying comments have been very helpful. I feel like I failed him because this cancer snuck up on us after I spent more than a decade fighting for him and his overall health. Most of his last 2 years were pretty good, though. I miss him so much and have so many regrets, especially in the last week or so of his life. I don’t think any of us expected it would happen so fast and I was working hard to prepare for a long fight instead of focusing on you in the moment. I found this post while wondering if my feelings are normal or not. I’ve never been through anything so hard in a life full of hard things. The only thing I would add to this is to keep the traditions your created with your loved one. They lend structure and stability to a life gone crazy and can ground you. I learned that in other trials years ago and only hope it will help me now.

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  15. Julie  April 12, 2020 at 11:50 pm Reply

    I lost my mother to cancer 15 years ago. It was difficult for awhile and emotional. But, a year and a half ago my daughter of 42 years was murdered and I have found this an experience on a level with not much support. It’s just too far off the grid for myself and others. I truly feel as if I have died myself and can not locate myself. I at times feel totally blank and void of any kind of emotion connecting me to life. I go through my days on auto pilot just doing daily life but can only do that for a short time. At some point its as if I’m thrown into a river of rapids and I am swept into a swirl of emotions that I am unable to navigate in. It seems way over my head and I’m drowning with no one to help me. It’s true not all grief is the same and what makes it worse is a society who is very uncomfortable with tragedy and death and avoidance is what happens.
    Perhaps if I were in a larger city where more murders happen there would be a support group but where I am there is not.

  16. Florrie  April 10, 2020 at 2:07 am Reply

    Hmm. Subject for a article for sure but. Here
    they are 16mm f/1.4 23mm f/1.4 35mm f/2 56mm f/1.2 18-55 f/2.8-4.0 50-140 f/2.8.
    Contemplating the 80mm macro and the 90mm which is, by far, the best lens they make.

    Cheers

  17. kim  April 5, 2020 at 2:40 am Reply

    I lost my mom-best friend in 2001 and my son 2018 and now my husband has stage 3 throat cancer I feel myself pushing away from him don’t get me wrong im there for him I just don’t show him the love I use to like I cant wait unti he fall asleep so I can relax why and how can I feel this way I love him I need to turn my feelings again .help

  18. Jacqueline Darby  April 3, 2020 at 5:33 am Reply

    I lost my mother 23 years ago, we fell out the year before as a family. My sister left it 2 days before contacting me that my mother was in intensive care on a ventilator. When I got there I was told me my mother had been asking for me and my sister knew that. I never got the chance to talk to my mother or say goodbye. It has haunted me every since. As for my father he treated the whole thing as a great piece of theater revealing in the attention the ‘glory of the bereaved husband’ all a lie. He couldn’t wait to get his hands on my mothers money and went on a massive spending spree. The funeral was awful and I vowed to walk away from my sister and father he died 20 years later alone. The thing I find so hard is letting go of the anger I still feel, how much it still hurts when I think of my mother. I barely cried when my father died I found out weeks after his death that he was dead. He got what he deserved and I think my sister will too as all her children have been rejected by her for various reasons. I think we all suffer because of what they did and I wonder if any of us will ever heal as a family. I am 64 now and just can’t let go of the pain and anger and just wish I knew how. There is so much resent in the family I wish I had a magic wand for all of them.

  19. mya  March 24, 2020 at 10:51 pm Reply

    i lost my bestfriend and boyfriend a month ago on the 15th. every single day is a different battle. he was 16, and i know people say that i dont know what love is but i did. i loved that kid with everything in me. everyone tells me that god has a plan for everything. i just think he was in the wrong car, with the wrong people, at the wrong time. because of one selfish person my whole heart was ripped away from me. i still text him and call his number almost forgetting. im ready to be okay. but i never will be okay again and i have to get past that.

  20. Zoe Campos  March 24, 2020 at 7:15 pm Reply

    I wish I had read your article before my grandfather passed away. We were very close since my siblings and I grew up in our grandparents’ house and although we settled everything before his death, the part where you mentioned that one can never be really prepared for the loss and grief they’ll be experiencing is really true. We even joked about having his headstone custom-engraved, but the moment I see him in his casket really broke me. I hope our family recovers from our loss in due time.

  21. Molly  March 15, 2020 at 12:05 am Reply

    To all the people who shared their grief, I stand along side with you, as I also have lost a handful of loved ones in my life…to all the people who have shared their grief in relation to losses in their life, not one’s passing necessarily, but rather a broken relationship, etc, I commend you for being courageous enough to speak out…to all the other people whose comments were in annoyance about these losses, and said these people’s comments are not suitable for this forum, shame shame shame…who are you to determine wether a person’s loss, regardless of their situation, is suitable for this forum…these people were brave enough to share, and this might just be the forum where they might get helpful comments from others who may have been in the same situation…grief is grief, whether it is by way of a passing, or someone leaving a persons life, for whatever reason…it even stretches to the loss of a loved pet…I have experienced all three, and what I can tell you, that yes, whilst they are all different experiences of loss, they have all very much brought grief to my life…so to all you “Nancy’s” on this forum, if you don’t like some comments, simply go on to the next one, if you feel it is not suitable to be shared on this forum, be empathetic and keep your thoughts as just that, your thoughts…everyone has the right to share their grief, whatever their case, others also have the right to keep unkind, unnecessary, unhelpful and hurtful comments to themselves, feel free to exercise those rights, because you too, may find yourself in any one of the situations that have been discussed in this forum, and you too, may have people say hurtful things to you as well…be an encourager, a helpmate and a supporter, rather than poo pooing other’s comments, because hurt people, hurt people, don’t be the latter…

  22. T Dickerson  March 9, 2020 at 12:11 pm Reply

    I have lost a lot of dearly important people in my life. When I was a senior in high school I lost my 2.5 year old nephew. I had gone to funerals all of my life up until that point. But at that point it felt as if my heart had been ripped out and a hole was etched in my very soul. That was 38 years ago. Unfortunately, his sister was taken from us February 13, 2020. She was 36 years old. Healthy weight. Healthy eater. Educated. Wonderful wife and mother of 3. She had flu-like symptoms on a Friday. By the next Wednesday they were measuring brainwaves. She didn’t make it. I had just moved back home to Indy in 2017 because my Momma was suffering from stage 5 (or so) of Alzheimer’s. My niece had become more than my niece. She became my friend. We talked daily. We talked life, dreams, hopes, nutrition, “This Is Us!” I could not fathom that she was gone. Six days after her burial my Momma succumbed to Alzheimer’s. 2019 was not kind to us. The process of grief that is not often talked about is how painful it is that people compartmentalize their condolences/support. And how you deal with this.

    What I mean is that when my niece died she had a sizable group of friends because she was in a sorority. They were a large part of the funeral, helped plan memorial activities for her, etc. And they expended a great amount of energy consoling my sister. The problem is/was that my niece and my sister had a tense and contentious relationship. My sister and I were living together as she was helping me with our mother. However, my niece spent all of her time when she came over with me. When she died, I felt slighted. This made me angry. This didn’t help my sister’s and my relationship. She seemed to bask in the attention. And she needed it. I had to take a step back and it brought some clarity to how I offered support to others at such a time as death. My niece had a husband, children, cousins, aunts, uncles, friends. We all needed support.

    When my mother died just weeks later, I remembered how I felt when my niece died. I worked to ensure that there were little messages of “I’m more hurt” taking place. I was in charge of the obituary. I made sure that her children, grandchildren, and her great and great great grandchildren each had a page with pictures of them with Momma. I even had a picture of her with my cousin. When he saw it he was visibly moved! I refused to even get a courtesy car from the funeral home. I felt that the message sent was “I am grieving so much that I can’t even drive” and “the rest of ya’ll get to the funeral the best way you can!” This actually caused an argument between my sister and I. When I explained it to my nieces, they got it. They had just lost their grandmother. They were important, too. I explained how I felt after losing my niece and they got it even more. They had lost their cousin. Their friend.

    Bottomline: Grief is already a messy, complicated, fact of life. We don’t need to heap more mess and complication onto the living if we have the power to prevent it. I have talked to several of my niece’s sorority sisters about my feelings. They get it. We have smoothed things over and have moved on. When they show up to events to support my niece’s children, I make sure they meet her cousins and know that they were important to her. They know this. They have family. We just forget. I don’t ever want to forget. It has actually helped my healing….or my dealing.

  23. Donna  February 25, 2020 at 6:04 pm Reply

    That sometimes you will feel that NO ONE understands. No one understand just how severe the loss is — Especially if you had a dual relationship with that person. My person served as my best friend/son/brother – all in one. So I feel NO ONE understands the gravity of my loss. No one understands that a part of me died too.

    • AR  February 26, 2020 at 5:34 am Reply

      Donna, I am sorry for your loss and I understand how you feel. I lost my best friend and I feel the same. A part of me died with her too and nobody seems to understand how deeply it hurts.. Wish you all the best.

      1
  24. Charlotte Greenwood  February 22, 2020 at 7:59 am Reply

    I lost my partner, he was 39.heart attack.
    That was almost a year ago in march.
    Since then iv gone through every text book emotion. But recently, these last 3 months I’ve started buying lots of guinea pigs. Iv got 7 now and one is pregnant. Am i having a breakdown. Im detached from people, and am very antisocial.

    2
  25. Skylar Bratton  February 20, 2020 at 10:49 am Reply

    My grandma died Jan,27,19 and i miss her still to this and i regret a lot of things and i miss her,i miss the i love yous and hugs/kisses she was my grandma i just wish she was still here but i know she is in a better place at gods feet.

  26. Sharon  February 19, 2020 at 11:52 pm Reply

    I lost my husband 5 weeks ago. I don’t know how to answer people’s question “how are you doing?” I’m lying if I say “fine” and feel like I’m asking for sympathy if I say “I’m not okay.” I have cried every single day since he passed.

    • Debbie  February 29, 2020 at 10:54 am Reply

      Lost my dad recently from cardiac arrest. Mum was at his side when he passed on. Spent 2 weeks home trying to be strong for mum through the wake, funeral, post-funeral. Back to work in another city 2 hours away. I have my crying episodes I don’t tell mum about. I wonder how she is coping. If she cries every night she isn’t telling anyone. We grieve so privately on our own but maybe it’s better to share.

      1
  27. Heather  February 18, 2020 at 11:25 pm Reply

    My son was killed 8 months ago. Every day is pain. He was 18 and at the start of his very beautiful life. His friends played a party game and tried to cover it up by saying he committed suicide. Every day I try to remember anything other than the screaming in the hospital, the day we removed him from life support, the holding him for the last time. If this is what it feels like to lose half my heart, who would want to live like this?

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  28. Vickie  February 11, 2020 at 1:08 am Reply

    It’s ok to be ok with their choice…when they decide that death is better than being in unresolved pain…when no matter how many times they tried to get help, to get well, to change, to not disappoint their loved ones…and they just couldn’t. It doesn’t mean we don’t love them, or that we love them less, or that their life, and death, didn’t matter, just because we are able to say, “I know you were tired of struggling. I know you were hurting and tired. I know you felt this was the best choice. I know you thought we would be ok if you did this.” Mind you, *others* will not be ok with you being ok about this. They won’t understand…how could you possibly accept this “choice?”

    Of course we wish it weren’t so. Of course we wish that just once, their efforts had ended in a Win for them…instead of a Loss for us. Of course we wonder “what if…” Of course we miss them, unbearably sometimes, and faintly in others, in those moments, all the moments, that remind us most of them. Sometimes we don’t need to ask why…because we already know. And that’s ok, too.

  29. James Taylor  February 8, 2020 at 5:08 am Reply

    Lost a loved one 6 1/2 months ago and l’ve been devastated since. Had a few good days but now it’s worse. Live in a crappy apartment. Put in my 30 day notice few days ago. Funny thing is I’m glad I’m getting out of here but have nowhere to go. But l hate where l live. Still grieving over my loss. Looking back on my life and realized l been through quite a bit. Issues from when l was little boy. Abuse. Suffer from self hate, I hate myself. I’m stupid, failed in school, jobs. I’m ugly. Afraid to talk to women because l fear rejection. So many things l hate about myself. Tired of being depressed, sad, angry and all. I wish l was dead. I’m a broken man. I wish l could go to sleep and never wake up. Best thing that can happen to me right now. If l was to go out and hit with a stray bullet i wouldn’t care. Don’t want sympathy, pity or nothing like that. People can be so cruel so why bother anyways. Only thing that hold me back from killing myself is wondering if where i go would be worse than where i’m at now. But I doubt if anything can be worse than where i’m at now being sad, dealing with the loss of my mother. People say you get over it, get through it but you never really do. I’m just tired of fighting, waking up everyday..I just wanna GO! I tried therapy and it doesn’t work for me. Happiness is a distant memory. The only bright light is death. I know death is forever, no coming back from it but we all gotta go eventually so why fight it

    • Tom’s Mom  February 8, 2020 at 6:01 pm Reply

      Your comments hit me hard. I feel your pain . I lost my son , he was 26 , he was my hope and my joy . As a mom , I want to tell you this ; she would want you to live and live fully ! The pain is always there , you can get through it . You are a person of value and in spite of all you said , you are worthwhile . Find a way deep inside you to go on for her , and take good care of yourself . You are loved and thought of .

      1
    • Judy  February 21, 2020 at 7:04 pm Reply

      Friend you don’t know me but I read ur remarks I’m sorry ur feeling so bad my dad died two weeks ago but I remember all the good memories I know it’s going to take some time pls hold on.

    • Nunia  February 23, 2020 at 9:42 pm Reply

      Hi James,
      I am so sorry for your loss and the profound sadness you are experiencing. I think you are worth it and beautiful inspite of all this suffering.. (I suffer greatly too). Sometimes you’re at the mercy of your own body, and it’s not quite yours.

      1
  30. Hope  February 6, 2020 at 10:41 pm Reply

    My grandad just died not even a dy ago. They forgot to mention (As a 13 year old girl whose vocabulary is 53% curse words) GRIEF IS A PAIN IN THE ASS, AND IT IS OKAY TO CRY AT NOTHING, BUT IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT UNLESS YOU HAVE KILLED THE PERSON, FEEL BETTER. I AM SENDING YOU ALL VIRTUAL HUGS.

    1
    • Allie  August 19, 2020 at 2:16 am Reply

      My heart has an aching feeling that never leaves me. Four months ago in April 2020 my dad passed away and the relief of him no longer being in pain is all I have thought about since. I think about how much he went through over the years. After visiting my dad’s grave yesterday, I realised I missed him as a person and not just glad he’s no longer suffering. Sudden release of emotion after months of being in autopilot. In the early hours of this morning I came across the list and comments. Thank you for sharing experiences. Life is so different without my dad but he would want me to live a fulfilling life. I will try dad.

      1
  31. AR  January 28, 2020 at 5:59 am Reply

    My best friend died in 2018 in a car accident. She was only 32 and had been my best friend for more than 20 years. I miss her every single day and I am sure time won`t make the pain go away. I obviously have good and bad days, but something has changed forever. It feels like a part of my heart is missing and I can feel the emptiness somehow even when I am “happy” or when I am supposed to be happy. I wish people could understand more how much the death of a best friend can hurt. I feel really lonely not just because I loved her deeply but also because she was that one person who supported me whenever I was in pain. .. It´s ironic that the only person that could help me to get through all this suffering is the one I can not reach now, no matter what I do. I know people always judge grief, but I feel like they understand more when you`ve lost a relative. A lost of a best friend is in some sort of limbo…It feels like the only person who could really understand the bond I had with my best friend is the friend who passed away. So, I find myself sometimes trying to justify my grief as if I didn`t have the right to suffer as much as her family, when I`ve loved her deeply since our childhood. It turns out grief is what it is: all feelings are okay and it`s unique for each person. People should stop being so judgmental and be more empathetic.

    • Hana  February 3, 2020 at 4:57 pm Reply

      Joy… thank you for writing this, it’s resonated with me deeply. I’m grieving the loss of my best friend. He died almost a year ago and I couldn’t get time off work at the time because “he wasn’t a family member.” It felt like a punch in the face. I’m sorry for your loss… I’m hurting with you. My deepest condolences.

    • cat Woodward  February 14, 2020 at 10:26 am Reply

      I feel the same. I’m hurting and the one person that I would talk to about it is gone

  32. AR  January 27, 2020 at 8:50 am Reply

    My best friend died in 2018 in a car accident. She was only 32 and had been my best friend for more than 20 years. I miss her every single day and I am sure time won`t make the pain go away. You obviously have good and bad days, but something just changed forever. It feels like a part of my heart is missing and I can feel the emptiness somehow even when I are “happy” ou when I am supposed to be happy. I wish people could understand more how much the death a best friend can hurt. I feel really lonely not just because I loved her deeply but also because she was that one person who supported me whenever I was in pain. .. It´s ironic that the only person that could help me to get through all this suffering is the one I can not reach now, no matter what I do. I know people always judge grief, but I feel like they understand more when you`ve lost a relative. A lost of a best friend is in some sort of limbo…It feels like the only person who could really understand the bond you had with your best friend is the friend who passed away. So, I found myself sometimes trying to justify my grief all as if I didn`t have the right to suffer as much as her family, when I`ve loved her deeply since our childhood. It turns out grief is what it is: all feelings are okay and it`s unique of each person. People should stop being so judgmental and be more empathetic.

  33. Jose  January 22, 2020 at 2:38 pm Reply

    I lost my beloved maternal grandmother about two months ago, yesterday it would have been her 91st birthday. I love her dearly, and I miss her so much every day, every little detail reminds me of her. It is all so much harder since I am far away from my country, studying abroad. In fact, the news of her passing got me here, and for me it was impossible to go to her funeral since it was quite unexpected. Needless to say I still feel guilty of not having been there, angry with myself for being so far away from her when her condition began to worsen. I have exams coming but some days are just plain dark for me as I feel like I no longer care about anything, I can’t really focus nor get good grades as I used to. On the bright side I guess I can count myself lucky since I have lovely parents; in addition, my mom and I share a very special connection and I know she is also very affected, since I am her only child and we are so far away. I know time will help but it is just so hard. I know what I feel is okay and I can cope with it so far but I can’t wait till the day I go back to be with my mom again and go through this pain together. Wishing you all the best while going through this process, I thank you for this space to at least vent out a bit of what I’m feeling. I apologize if something is not clear, as english is not my mother tongue.

  34. Jan  January 16, 2020 at 11:56 am Reply

    After losing two friends to a horrible murder while I was in high school I could not find my smile or my happy place again. I felt guilty. I wish someone would have told me that it was OK to be happy again. It was not a betrayal.

  35. davidsons  January 10, 2020 at 12:40 pm Reply

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  37. Karen Melms  December 29, 2019 at 2:01 pm Reply

    Grief is not a problem to be solved but an experience to be carried. Still today (20 months after the sudden death of my 57 year old husband due to a brain aneurysm) I cried and had a sad day. Some memories are triggers and loneliness and overthinking still make me sad even though I’m very happy with a new love in my life. I will always grieve the loss of my husband and I will continue to have some sad days but I am happy in love again and I know that would make my late husband very happy too.

    • Paul Carlson  February 5, 2020 at 11:23 am Reply

      Karen, thank you for your post. I find it encouraging to know that you have found a new love in your life. I lost my wife of 29 years, 7 months in November 2019. It was sudden and unexpected. I went from a spoiled man living the life of my dreams with a woman I called ‘baby’ or ‘princess’ to being a widower in the blink of an eye. I see a grief counselor weekly and have gone through some great exercises that help me process my grief, but of course none of this brings her back. I still get lumps in my throat or feel overwhelmed when it strikes me that she’s gone. I feel like my life is over and I just turned 52. I can’t imagine that I could have another 30 years of life and none of it is with her. I read a quote the other day that I find so true and heart wrenching: “I will love you for the rest of my life, and you won’t be here for any of it.” I hope one day I can find love again and live in a way that I’m happy and honoring her memory…but right now I feel like I will never be happy again.

  38. Heidi  December 25, 2019 at 1:00 pm Reply

    i wish more people understood that grief is not just for those who have lost someone due to a death. The permanent loss of significant other due to infidelity is also a form of “death”. October 30th, 2018 I found out my husband of 30 years had been carrying on with another woman. Within a week I decided I would never be able to trust him again and another week later I put him out. November 15th, 2018 is the last time I saw him or heard his voice. It is like he died. 30 years of my life – over in an instant. The pain and grief I have suffered since then is still almost unbearable. In this instance you add the feeling of betrayal on top of grief. It never ends. Triggers everywhere. I’ve stopped talking about it with friends and family because they really just don’t understand. I’ll be 50 next Spring. I know that that part of my life is done – romantic love, intimacy, having someone that I trust implicitly. My time with those things is over. Now it’s a matter of constructing what it is that my new “solo” life is going to be. It’s not easy.

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    • Cat Carson  January 11, 2020 at 12:48 am Reply

      Oh, please. No , Heidi. This is about grief after a death – clearly. If you want to talk about grief after a betrayal I’m sure there are boards for that. SMH

    • BB  January 13, 2020 at 1:34 am Reply

      I’m so sorry, Heidi. Yes, it is a terrible grief to lose your spouse. It must have all been such a shock. I feel for you. I know it’s hard to believe now, but this will get easier. You will find joy in life again. Please consider getting some grief counseling. A big hug for you!

    • Obcodi  January 19, 2020 at 9:05 am Reply

      Yes! My grief is for my first granddaughter who decided that she wants to be a boy not because she has always felt as if she was born in the wrong body but because it is a brave and admirable and supportive thing to do and will be an awesome example for all those struggling with these issues who don’t have the courage to do this not to mention it’s easier to be a man. I’m devastated and it’s been 2 years into the hormone shots and with the crew haircut, the facial hair, the voice change, the piercings, tattoos, and breast binding underneath the complete male wardrobe, I grief at the loss of my beautiful granddaughter that I was so close to. And for all those who will say she’s still alive, DON’T! I’ve heard it all before and she’s not this person resembles nothing of my granddaughter except teeth, not hair, looks, smile, smell, personality, not even her activities are the same and her sarcasm was not part of her old personality, she’s taken up smoking, and drinking, my heart is shattered and its pain is indescribable!

    • Sarah  February 1, 2020 at 9:37 am Reply

      Heidi – I know exactly where you are coming from. I not only lost my father but my husband of 20 plus years was involved with other women. I am grieving the loss of a parent, trusting husband and a friend. I don’t know where to turn but I do know that I will eventually be ok and able to cope. I do know that you can have another love. It will be different and hard because you will be shielding you heart. We have to learn to love again!

  39. Eli  December 24, 2019 at 5:11 pm Reply

    My former fiance passed away in Feb after 6 years battling a very aggressive autoimmune disease. We got engaged two years prior to his original diagnosis. I was his full time care-giver for three years and it nearly broke me in every way. He was my best friend and he was so supportive of me and my mental health issues that worsened during this time when he got worse. We mutually agreed on a care facility for him, which gave him so much freedom and the best care. We also separated three years before his passing as I wasn’t well mentally, and he supported me doing what I had to do to be better again. This required me moving back over seas to live with my parents. Throughout all that, up until his, some what unexpected passing, we were still very close. Talking every weekend, video chatting. He was so positive and funny, despite the pain he was in and the loss of everything he loved around him that he could no longer do. It was his birthday yesterday, and it’s been so hard, the first holiday season without him. Seeing things in the stores he would have loved, movies he won’t get to enjoy, funny things he would have laughed his head off over. He was my biggest fan honestly, even after we separated. I still love him dearly. I’m in a new relationship, but I feel so guilty in my grief at times, as though, I’m being unfaithful by grieving his loss. He was supportive of this but my love for him is different than it is for my current partner. I never got to attend his funeral, being overseas, and him not technically being mt fiance anymore for a few years now, it wasn’t possible. I’m attending a one year memorial in Feb for him, when his ashes will be scattered. I feel guilty though and hoping as the years pass, this won’t be so hard to get through as it is this year. Though reading through some of the posts on others grief, does help a little to feel not so alone in how debilitating the grief feels at times.

  40. tanveer rauf  December 21, 2019 at 2:06 am Reply

    Time is the best healer

    • Cat Carson  January 11, 2020 at 12:56 am Reply

      Did you see number 56? If not, please reread, and stop with the platitudes/cliches. Thanks.

  41. Shylo  December 16, 2019 at 7:20 pm Reply

    I lost my husband in an accident one month ago tomorrow, a week before I found out that my dad has cancer again and a year before that my husband lost his best friend, his dad, from a heart attack. I have the most amazing support system taking care of me but it doesn’t stop the empty feeling from being there. I was 16 when my dad had cancer the first time and I shoved every emotion I had into a box because I figured if I did that it would all be okay, he got through it, a different man, but he got through it. I realized later that by shoving my emotions away that it made me into an angry version of myself. When I met my husband I eventually shared those emotions with him in a burst of emotion, it had come back to bite me in the a$$ but he listened and helped me be more honest with myself. I told myself after his accident that I can’t do that again, even though the circumstances are slightly different then last time, not allowing myself to be honest with my emotions doesn’t make me stronger, it would make me weaker and with my dads diagnosis still looming I still have to find a way to grieve while still being there for him(in some ways this is what is stopping me from running because a large part of me just wants to escape to another country for a while).
    I have experienced a lot from this list so far and i’m sure more will come soon, i’ll probably forget what I told myself at some point too. Today, I broke down because I couldn’t tell my husband some news that he would have found interesting and it took me while to get any bearings back, I tried not to cry at first but it ended up making me almost have a panic attack by doing so, so I just let the tears come. I have found though that being honest about my emotions when people ask me has helped, it hurts, it all hurts but don’t shove the emotions you feel into a pit just because you think someone else might feel uncomfortable or it makes you look weak, it won’t benefit you, you will still feel those emotions regardless.

  42. Victoria Richings  December 13, 2019 at 6:54 pm Reply

    I lost my beautiful mum 4 days ago, the pain is the most violent aggressive pain I have ever felt in ny life. I know shes gone but I also keep thinking she will walk back in the room.
    This pain is indescribable the bottom has fallen from my world and I simply dont know how to be, How do I live a life without the most precious person living it with me.
    I need her so bad right now, I feel like I’m going insane, I want my head to stop, my thoughts to rest and my pounding heart to slow, and this gut wrenching stomach pains to disappear. The one person who could soothe me has gone, I will never be the same person again, my heart has died I’ve lost the biggest part of me, and I know I will ever find it.
    The only thing keeping me going right now is my family, who are all feeling the same.pain, I want to be unconscious so I dont have to feel this horrendous torturous pain, I feel guilty, lost, alone, and really vulnerable.
    The love I received from my precious mother is a love I will never feel again, she was amazing, and the love was so strong, so powerful it’s been ripped from my world. And my world has ripped through me.

    • Christina Moore  December 29, 2019 at 2:27 am Reply

      Hi Victoria,
      My mom passed away Dec 2018. I felt almost insulted that the world just kept going, no change after losing my beloved mom. The only way I could describe losing her was like I had suddenly stepped into an alternate reality, another universe where she was no longer present on Earth, a fairytale of a beautiful spirit suddenly coming to an end.
      Today I still cry tears for her, missing her, but it isn’t as frequent. And I can finally say that although I will always miss her, I am going to be okay. I don’t know if this helps Victoria, but I hope it does.

    • Peggy  December 31, 2019 at 2:58 pm Reply

      Victoria, your words are so very true. Word for word how I feel inside. I lost my Mom suddenly & there is no greater pain. I feel lost. Wondering how life will go on. I pretend like she’s gone away on a trip but will be home soon. Seems like the only way to get through to another day. This loss is so big and hurts beyond measure. As the New Year approaches, I feel worse. She won’t be here, in this New Year. No new memories, nothing. I know she wouldn’t want me to be this way. Our Moms loved us unconditionally. Deeper than any live we’ll ever know. My family is what keeps me going. I want my kids to feel that love come through me. Thinking of you, thank you for sharing your story.

    • Cat Carson  January 11, 2020 at 12:55 am Reply

      I am SO sorry, sweetheart, and understand and empathize completely. My heart is with you and I mean it.

    • Char  January 11, 2020 at 5:46 am Reply

      My heart goes out to you. Your words resonate with me so closely I feel like I wrote them. The pain is extremely devastating to say the least. It has been 2 years since my mom’s passing & it STILL hurts me deeply daily. We were so close & I ‘m an only child without any grandparents. Not being able to pick up the phone to call her & hear her voice answer on the other end is just gut wrenching . Sometimes it feels like a terrible nightmare I can’t wake up from. I have begged God to help ease the pain & he has given me strength but I still struggle. I miss EVERYTHING about my mom & I’d do anything to hug her and hear her voice again. I pray that everyone in this thread of comments can find peace & comfort at some point and try to just hang on to those beautiful memories b/c grief will drive you crazy if you let it. Take time to cry whenever you need to. Just let those tears flow. It makes you feel a little better & releases some of that built up sadness in your heart. Holding my grief in literally makes my chest tighten up & gives me anxiety. Don’t let your grief make you ill. Stay away from negative people & enjoy peaceful nature or whatever bring you joy.

  43. Susan Kerr  December 11, 2019 at 9:34 pm Reply

    One month 4 days – time passes since my Mum died. Yet, I remain transfixed unable to recognize time in the usual way. I hanged up a clock in the kitchen, just to remind myself to listen and hear time passing. Tick tick tick. Now, periodically awakening to notice a day or week has passed. No longer caring. Hollow. Living but less alive. Some nights my entire being is the sum of these unending tears. The first few weeks a state of emotional and surreal physical shock. It reminded me of the adrenaline rush I had during a bad car accident as the car rolled over me in slow motion. Time now lived in slow motion. I lost part of my own identity along with her. I will never again be the child of another mother. Missing her humour and gentle chiding. Missing her tenderness and grace. Grief a cannon ball in the gut. No, nothing will ever be the same again. I get it, okay, I get it. Grief is clearly a transition, but to what?

    • Deborah  December 11, 2019 at 10:19 pm Reply

      I lost my mom 16 days ago and the emotions you are describing sound so familiar. I feel lost, not sure where to turn. I find myself reading a story or hearing a bit of family news and immediately want to call and tell her only to remember I can’t anymore. Friends and family tell me it will get easier and to remember she loved me and would want me to be happy. I know they are right as that is what I would want my own son to do if I was the one who had passed away but at this moment it seems almost impossible.

  44. hurting  November 28, 2019 at 6:57 pm Reply

    My lovely husband died two weeks ago. I’m lost. We only had each other, we only loved each other. Kind people are checking in with me and I appreciate it so much, but they are strangers. Everybody is a stranger to me. I wish I had opened up my world more to other people, but I do not find it easy. I don’t trust people and I don’t think I am ‘normal’ in social situations. I always feel regret after sharing to much about myself with people I might see again. I can talk about anything with strangers, hence me sitting here after midnight. It hurts so much. I don’t know who I am without him.

  45. Jennifer  November 22, 2019 at 9:54 pm Reply

    Best thing someone said to me after my parents died….
    However you are feeling.. it’s ok, because its how you feel. It cant be wrong.

  46. Benjamin Ouaglal  November 19, 2019 at 8:21 pm Reply

    I lost my wife about 3 months ago in July, as she lost her 3rd battle against breast cancer. I can relate to every single point of this post, I know my grief journey just began and it seems overwhelming at times, I went to grief counselling , and some of the advices are in the post, but still it doesn’t take away the pain, the loss, the grief…

  47. Derek S Speck  November 19, 2019 at 6:07 pm Reply

    Put to sleep my one true friend yesterday. The guilt is horrible. I hurt all over. He was perfect. Best dog ever. Never knew something could hurt so much. Lost both my parents and my sister when she was 26. But nothing compares to this.

    • Lol McIntosh  December 1, 2019 at 10:26 am Reply

      Derek, you did the best you could… I feel your pain–lost my fur baby over a year ago and I still grieve… she was the only “person” in my life that offered unconditional love, no judgment or commentary, just a perk of the ears, wag of the tail or nuzzle in the hand… hang in there…

  48. Mal  November 12, 2019 at 9:36 pm Reply

    My boyfriend passed away last month in his sleep unexpectedly (it was something medical). I grapple a lot with disbelief…I don’t believe that he’s truly gone. But the biggest thing is that I have just never felt so alone before. And I’m not alone, I’m surrounded by family and loved ones who want to support me (his family and mine). I’ve had so many friends reach out and I am so thankful for that support, but I still feel so alone. Also, time hasn’t passed for me (it’s like I’m stuck, walking through glue). And things happen, and people’s lives go on, but I feel like mine has been stuck on that same day. And I’ve never wanted something (or someone) so much in my life. I would do anything just to have him back for one day, even – to speak to him and tell him how much I love him and to ask if he’s okay…I’m just so lost. And the person I would talk about all of this with is him – he knew me better than anyone. I have a hard time showing my emotions to people, but he always knew how I was feeling. I just feel so alone. Trying to get back into school (I’m in a Masters program) and working full time has been so challenging, because I don’t really see the point in doing anything and yet I know he was so proud of me for going back to school (but I’ve also been so focused on school lately, we haven’t been spending as much time together and I resent that school made me so preoccupied).

    • Patty  November 20, 2019 at 6:31 am Reply

      I’m so sorry, Mal. I feel so alone too–and I lost my cousin, who was more like a little sister, that I grew up with. I think we feel alone, despite having other people around us, perhaps because we’ve been left alone in this relationship we had, and we’re in no way ready to leave it. This list was pretty helpful, especially the part to go easy on yourself, and that there’s no one way that is correct. Take your time and take care of yourself.

  49. jeff padagas  October 30, 2019 at 4:02 am Reply

    i broke up with my boyfriend 2days ago and am missing him already how can i get him back post comment october 30 2019

    • Nancy  November 11, 2019 at 10:39 pm Reply

      You broke up with your boyfriend? Did he pass away? I’m confused. This is a site about grief after loved one’s die.

  50. Melly Campos  October 21, 2019 at 12:59 pm Reply

    I lost my dad last year unexpectedly and it’s been tough. He was my best friend, someone who was always there & had the greatest heart. I think about him all the time, talk to him on my way to work & pray for him at night. His death brought my sister and I closer. We talk everyday and always laugh at the sweet memories we had with him. I catch myself crying everyday or just feel so sad because I feel guilty that he isn’t here to get to do stuff with us anymore. This feeling sucks. My heart always feels heavy.

    • Sydnee Hanson  October 22, 2019 at 1:04 pm Reply

      Hey Melly, I was just reading this article and saw your comment. My father also passed away a year ago in August 2018, unexpectedly and sudden, a jet boat accident. And he was my hero and everything I wanted to be when i grew up and I saw him kinda immortal like a superhero. When he passed it was left with just my sister and I. We are closer now as well. I just thought I was crazy how similar our stories were. Thought I should reach out because it’s the middle of the day and I was googling “how to get over the death of a loved one” as well

    • Erica  November 19, 2019 at 10:58 am Reply

      After reading your comment about your father passing, I felt like I had written the words myself. My father died suddenly and we are all still in shock. He was warm, kind, funny, and very comforting. I still send him voicemails and listen to his voicemails to help remember his sweet nature. He always left me songs or bible verses. I have never felt so alone now that he is gone and being in the car makes me sad because I cant call and chat with him. Everything I do seems blank now that he has gone. My sister and I have become much closer trying to cope with his death, and the upcoming holidays seem daunting.

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  53. Gloria L.  September 20, 2019 at 11:51 am Reply

    I lost my husband18 months ago and I felt most all of these things listed. I was helped by a few friends, my own family after first losing dad and brother 9 yrs ago 2 months apart, 2010 and 2011. Then my mother-in-law Jan 2016. Then my husband Jan 2018. Then my close sister’s husband Sept 2018. Sigh. I leaned heavily on God, church and grief books. I got the courage to go to a Christian Dating Website this week, Sept 16-20, 2019 and it was hilarious. Fake Christians that partially drink, smoke, scam, etc. But one guy who said he was widowed before I deleted my account said something that stuck with me…..”I lost my wife 8 years ago and that is in the past, I leave the past in the past. I have to start over a new life. She is in Heaven but I must continue to live.” It made me fully realize how I fought to hold onto the memories and the past that will do nothing for me in terms of continuing on in this very alive world. I have moved miraculously into another clarified dimension somehow. Wow. Thank God for Jesus!

  54. Judi Ceme  September 20, 2019 at 3:23 am Reply

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  55. Dr. Kitty Bickford  September 15, 2019 at 8:28 pm Reply

    I wish someone would have told me before I lost my husband that it would be like living someone else’s life afterward. I don’t feel like my old self, and I don’t know who my new self is yet. It takes three times longer to finish anything I start than it used to, and only God can fill the emptiness left where my Jim used to be. I wish someone had told me I would want to go out in the woods and scream everyday just to voice my grief in all its intensity.

    • Richard  October 25, 2019 at 6:03 am Reply

      Doctor. I am so sorry for your loss.. I am crying over my brother’s grave now.
      Soon. I will join him!

    • sue  January 5, 2020 at 10:51 pm Reply

      I agree with everything you said. I lost my husband of 30 years 2 months ago and l feel totally lost. I too want to scream It was a long illness and I was the primary caretaker. I was his cheerleader and advocate. He was on the transplant list and I was so sure he would get the lifesaving organ, which never happened. To say I am devastated is quite an understatment

  56. donna ferris  September 13, 2019 at 2:45 pm Reply

    I lost my son 5 weeks and 3 days ago. I stay alone and cry. I just want my 45 year old baby back so much.. My doctor told me I could – drag!!- this out as long as I want or get over it.. One day, someone called and asked for him. I explained what happened. He said sorry, but have a great day!!!. So, other people after about a week go away and are uncomfortable to be around you. I feel almost embarrassed to be upset around people. They just don’t get how horrible losing a child can be, regardless of their age. There is no way to comprehend unless you go through it.

    1
    • D  November 30, 2019 at 3:56 pm Reply

      Hi Donna. I lost my stepson last week. His name is Daniel. 26 yeara old. I am still not really accepting it. I am sorry about your son. Also sorry about your terrible Dr., and others in your life who are not evolved enough to understand. This is so hard. I know it will only get worse for us. You are right, not possible to understand if you have not been here. I wish you and I did not understand.

  57. Tshego  September 12, 2019 at 5:47 pm Reply

    Took me 16 years to get to numbers 36 and 63.

    • jennifer  September 20, 2019 at 10:49 pm Reply

      Can I ask why it took so long and how did you finally over come it? I’m going on about 2.5 years after loosing the love of my life at the age of 28. I’m 31 now and have no idea how to start over. The numbers 36 and 63 are the ones that I am struggling with most. Any words are so greatly appreciated. Thank you!

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  59. Brain C-13 Review  August 17, 2019 at 10:24 pm Reply

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  60. Susan  August 17, 2019 at 12:13 pm Reply

    I have lost my two sons….one 16 years ago at age 23, and my younger son 2 years ago at age 33 (he turned 33 while in the hospital). I was “lucky” in that my best friend lost her only son at age 13, several years before my oldest died. She helped prepare me for all the feelings and emotions, the craziness and roller coaster ride of grief. And I found an online grief group that truly has helped keep me alive. When my youngest son died, I thought “how pitiful, I am somewhat prepared for this. I know what to expect.” I was wrong in some respects. You NEVER think you will lose a child, and you MOST CERTAINLY NEVER think you will lose two! I am so numb, still, and have trouble truly grieving. I go about my days as though I am one tough cookie, but my nights are truly a nightmare. And I drink too much to ward off the nightmares. I so don’t want to ride that roller coaster again….but thank God I have my church (which I discovered right before losing my second son….God knew I would need my church family), and I have a wonderful therapist. So hopefully there is hope for me!

  61. Hazel  August 13, 2019 at 3:34 pm Reply

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    if so afterward you will definitely get pleasant knowledge.

  62. Addie  July 30, 2019 at 8:56 pm Reply

    This response is overwhelming. So many people in so much pain over the loss of a loved one. This platform helps so much to share with others who feel the same way they do, I really appreciate the opportunity to tell my story, my only son took his life, and I just didn’t know how to deal with it at all. I have cried, screamed, yelled, and begged him to come back, so I wrote him a poem and when I get so crazy with grief, I read this poem to myself. I would like to share it with you, maybe you could write one to your loved ones. Here goes,,,,,,,,

    “What do we do now, that our friends are all gone, and we are left here all alone;
    To face this life without you here, But in our hearts, you are always near;
    We miss you so much we can hardly breathe, and hard to think you had to leave;
    Our thoughts are always running wild, some are raging and sone are mild;
    But mostly when we sit and sigh, we think of you and start to cry;
    You left us in a very bad way, your pain was so great You couldn’t stay ;
    When we laugh we feel it’s wrong, when we then realize you are gone;
    We lost a son and a brother, and their will never be another;
    We both understand and very much care, your pain, was to hard to bear;
    Bunt now you’ve ran your race in life, no more pain stress or strife;
    We will love you till’ the end of time, and even tho you left us behind;
    We’ll catch up with you someday, and together we will always stay
    Until we meet again, I love you my precious son”

    1
    • Monica  August 20, 2019 at 5:39 pm Reply

      I too lost my only son; he was 16, he too took his own life July 6, 2017. Your poem touched me emencely. These words are exactly how I feel. Beautifully said.

      • Rebecca  September 11, 2019 at 5:29 pm

        Oh God, if only this site existed 6 years ago when I lost my only son/child because he was struck by a speeding car with ice on the windshield so he had NO VISIBILITY! I tried a grief support group once 2 months after it happened. I was hysterical because I was picking up everyone else’s vibe. Never went back. I felt like someone cut the top of my head off and scooped out half of my brain. I just recently started to get brief glimpses of Hope and light by reading Laura Lynne Jackson’s books on signs they send us from the other side to let us know that they are OK. I thought, “oh well, this is sweet, but hokey.” Another failed attempt to feel ANYTHING that might make me excited about my life again. But GUESS WHAT? I made myself pay attention. I prayed to my spirits to send me signs and I promised to TRY to play this game! It happened over and over so much so I thought I was really creeping over the edge this time. My heart and soul and head were suddenly synced. I felt manic! I didn’t know what to do with all my new found energy. My husband found a way to squelch my joy, so I just went back to “Down Town”. I fought it though and slowly but surely I am doing exactly what I was doing, reading the same kind of books and crying out my requests for signs to the Universe and I am getting so many answers! Thanks for letting me ramble. That’s what happens when you “check out” for 6 years of your life! Try anything to come back to the surface if even it is a temporary respite. I don’t know if this will last but it sure is fun! God bless you people for starting this site!! I will definitely be back.

  63. Jennifer  July 27, 2019 at 10:35 pm Reply

    I wish someone had told me that I would lay in bed for years as life passed me by and ever so slowly die of a broken soul that no one can see. That my only friends would be my two cats and whatever movie I can get lost in…….because if they had, I could have prevented it .

    • Anon  September 30, 2019 at 12:28 pm Reply

      You said it precisely. I am the living dead and i cant go on. There is no on here. I have a gun and will use it. I wosh someone would have killed me young. Before i thought my life would be good, loved and joyful. Not!!! I wish i would have died young before everything went to hell.

  64. Kori  July 12, 2019 at 9:54 am Reply

    My baby girl was born with Pulmonary Hypertension and we were told when she was one years old she wouldn’t make it to be five and see kinder. She fought and made it to 13 years and 8 days she passed April 28th 2019.
    I was warned of many things but not the physical pain, the deep pain in my chest along with the heavy weight on my shoulders and chest. Or the fact I would shut down. I DONT KNOW WHERE I WAS. I hear stories of me sitting and shaking uncontrollably and sometimes I will still be sitting and the sam memory that made me smile earlier that week makes me weep.
    I also gained knowledge of compound grief as we lost my father figure March 15th 2019. They believe this is what lead to my shut down. This list reconfirmed I needed to forgive myself… as I still have three baby girls to care for. And thank goodness they understood and forgave me for.being MIA.

    I would add that grief can physically shut you down.
    And you may come out blunt and no filter there after.
    My daughter has a page
    Lilly’s PHlight & hope 4 a cure

    Thank you for your time.

  65. Frances Hart  July 11, 2019 at 8:12 am Reply

    I tried to read all the comments before adding this but there are just so many!
    Grief shows you that Life is not forever. Life ends. Celebrating what you HAD and what you HAVE are possible when you don’t focus on what you LOST.
    We are who we are because we loved our people in the time we HAD. I celebrate the Joy and Love of my husband, my parents, my sister and all my people who have died. And I celebrate where I am NOW with all those who still walk with me.❤️ I remember and smile when I remember the people who have died. ❤️

  66. Lisa Provost  July 10, 2019 at 12:25 pm Reply

    This list is gold. I lost both parents in 2017, six weeks apart after being their caregiver for 15 years. I then lost my family home last year, the one I grew up in and lived in most of my life. I’m still not okay. I miss my parents so much but I miss my home even more. It was the last straw that broke me. It was my history, my memories, I was forced to leave and my life hasn’t been as good since. I am very alone now and scared for my future and all I can think of is how did this happen? Life is definitely not fair at all. I see A LOT A LOT A LOT of caregivers go through this and it’s maddening and upsetting. We are tossed in the wind after and there is no help for us. In fact all the help I was getting went away and I am struggling and can’t get it back. I was here for nothing more than to take care of them and I have no purpose now. My own health is suffering and my mental health is the worst it’s ever been. Most of my family is gone, I have some left and when they go then I’m really alone. Yes I’m seeing a therapist, it took me two years to find the right one. I tried grief groups they didn’t work out at all. Grief is messy is right. It almost killed me. And yes I have lost a lot of friends, I’m just not the same person and I can’t pretend for everyone. I feel like I will never really be out of this phase of my life, things are not turning around. I mean really tiny things here and there and I’m grateful. But I feel like I get hit by a train over and over and over. And so many others are going through the same thing. Caregivers don’t have rights, that’s what I have learned. We sacrifice our lives to be all to someone, or many someone’s. We do it out of love, I didn’t want anything out of it, just peace after they were gone. I didn’t get it. Especially after how my mom died. She was treated so badly at the hospital and then died in rehab because they ignored what was going on with her. We’ll never get over it. Anyway, thanks for listening. I see so many of you in pain. I’m so sorry for all of your losses. I agree with another poster and in fact I’ve decided there is no such thing as karma in this world. And not at all just talking about myself I have so many good friends suffering. This has all made me look at the big picture and there isn’t one. It’s a random soup of crap every day. Sometimes good, sometimes bad. And yes I’m angry and feel too many good people suffer. I can’t let it go, I breathe it every day.

    1
    • Ellie  November 3, 2019 at 1:40 am Reply

      “We do it out of love, I didn’t want anything out of it, just peace after they were gone. I didn’t get it.”

      So true. Same with me

  67. Karen  July 7, 2019 at 10:23 pm Reply

    The physical effects of grief are unexpected and real. When my husband passed away deep horizontal ridges formed on all my finger and toe nails. Half my hair fell out and I was passing out for months. I was shocked at the thoughtless things people said. They weren’t meant to be mean, but it told me those people didn’t understand grief. I felt stifled because others didn’t Want to hear anything. And I had a need to talk about the most amazing man I ever met. Healing started at a Grief Share class where we were all encouraged to talk about our loved ones. Grief never ends, but is a testimony of the love shared in this life. It gets easier to bear, but there will always be moments when you are, once again, ambushed with this devastating loss.

    1
  68. Ja. Madigan  June 17, 2019 at 5:25 pm Reply

    Here’s one: Plan the funeral arrangements that YOUR immediate family can handle emotionally NOT what everyone else wants. Wakes, and visitations and post funeral meals are not what my family wanted to do we didn’t. We went with a direct burial and committal ceremony and moved on together and processed our loss as a family, individually. We couldn’t handle being a grieving family on display in front of the extended family. Yes they meant well but traditions aren’t rules for living.

  69. Sean  June 14, 2019 at 11:21 pm Reply

    #56 is spot on; TIME does not heal all wounds. What I tell people is, “The pain will never go away, but with TIME, it becomes much more manageable”. Thank you for this wonderful website I will share it with many. God Bless

  70. ALISON HOBBS  June 2, 2019 at 11:10 am Reply

    Grieving can make you less tolerant, perhaps less patient but ultimately more resilient. Always ask for help. Learn about who you are becoming through the rituals and processes you choses whilst coming to terms with the knowledge that your loved one will never walk through your front door.

  71. Karin Aubrey  May 25, 2019 at 10:22 am Reply

    When i was in my 20’s my brother died. Everyone around my Mom and me kept telling ME to “be strong for your Mom… She just lost her Son” Inside i was screaming at them “You don’t understand!!!! I just lost my brother!!!” So the biggest thing you should add is this ..

    DO NOT tell other family members to “Be Strong” for someone.. This will hurt, it will serve to invalidate their own grief, it will cause feelings of guilt, and insecurity and it will also cause the person you are saying this to become withdrawn and stuff down their own emotions and grief. My Son just passed 10 days ago. I caught wind of someone telling my daughter to help support ME.. NONONO.. i posted on FB to NOT do this to her and why.. THIS is so important. Please allow ALL family and friends to grieve. we can all support each other as we able. Do not try to force anyone to support another. They may not be capable and you may be doing more harm than good.

    1
    • Richard  June 23, 2019 at 6:28 am Reply

      Karin. Nice words. If God exists, why does he put us through so much misery?
      Things are not going well here. My mother flat out told me that she wished it
      was me who died instead of her FAVORITE son! Dad said to let it go. Mother
      was grieving! BS. She said it because she meant it. I now despise my mother.

      1
      • Sheila Williams  June 24, 2019 at 1:23 pm

        I’m so sorry Richard. The remark your mother made is so wrong! I can’t imagine the deep pain it must cause on top of your loss. I send love and healing to you.

  72. Lorna Botelho  May 24, 2019 at 6:14 pm Reply

    After 1yr 7 mos of loosing my husband, I still cry daily, got to the grave for breakfast and chat and feel very alone even though I
    have grown children and grand-children. The pain gets better then it hits just as bad as it was when he first died. I don’t know
    when it will stop, but words from others do not help. The worst phrase from people ” Sorry for your trouble” even now!!!
    I am looking into a support group maybe but I don’t know if it will help? Good luck to everyone and God Bless

    • Sharon  June 2, 2019 at 7:09 am Reply

      (((hugs))). You’re still in the early stages of grief. People just don’t know what to say so you just have to think to yourself that they tried, even though it was the wrong thing to say. My pet peeve is “you’re so strong”. Well, not really. We tend to wear a “mask” to hide our pain. Blessings….

    • Marguerite  June 12, 2019 at 2:57 pm Reply

      It has been 2 years for me since my husband of 30 years passed away. I know what you mean, it comes flooding back after you think you have it handled. I learned to just let myself cry. I’ll be driving to work and just break out crying. It’s not a matter of being strong. You don’t get over it, you get through it. I’ve had to learn to be me instead of a wife, not easy, feel lost sometimes. But hang in there, take up a hobby. I’m painting the inside of my house. I’ve found God is a great comfort and I’ve starting praying for people that have a loss too.

      1
      • Ailaunie M. Sword  August 11, 2019 at 5:54 pm

        It had been 6 years since my husband of 40 years died – woke up one morning and died from an anurism by the end of the day. He was healthy, fit and didn’t smoke or drink. I was in total shock for months and months – I totally pulled myself away from everyone – didn’t eat much, lost too much weight, didn’t drink much, just slept a lot. Even slept outside on the patio a few nights. I pushed everyone away except my 2 dogs who were my only responsibility and I did make sure they got fed and outside. When I look back, I’m both surprised and not surprised at my reactions. My husband and I did not have children – I was alone. I still feel alone, but the good memories I have now override the bad memories surrounding his death. I go day by day and try to enjoy as much as I can and try new activities and meet new people. In my opinion, surviving someones death is a horrible journey that you never truly stop having.

      • Laurie  December 10, 2019 at 1:41 am

        I would like to add to 64 things you never knew abot grief.
        It can make you feel like you can’t breathe or give you a tight achy pain near your heart. It can make you lose your appetite and have crying meltdowns on the one month anniversaries.
        The feeling of being alone is pretty bad when you lose your hudband that you loved with your whole heart and you still feel devastated after 4 months.
        You wonder how long it will take to feel somewhat like your old self. You feel like you need to start a new life and make new friends but you’re not ready to move on yet.

  73. Evelyn west  May 8, 2019 at 8:14 am Reply

    You should add to the list: After the loss of both parents, the sibling that volunteers to execute the estate might have bad intentions. Call the Social Security Administration to see if their ssn # is still active after their death. Be glad if you are wrong about it.

  74. Karen  May 5, 2019 at 11:07 pm Reply

    These words that people write will help I think. My Mom died in December, 2008, 11 years ago and I am struggling. Maybe I have complicated grief that I have read about. I have no children, no spouse, not in touch with family (one sibling left, much older, nieces, nephews) because after her death was very ugly. About 5 friends are very supportive but I cry all the time. Today I learned a friend my age will die soon from cancer. Every death I take so hard. I believe I may be an empath. It’s very hard to cope. I don’t know what to do. I need acceptance. Some days are better than others.

    1
    • Jeannie  May 6, 2019 at 4:34 pm Reply

      Have you had help from Cruse ?

  75. Melissa Walsh  April 27, 2019 at 12:10 am Reply

    I lost my Mum 6 months ago and people don’t seem to understand what a huge loss that is . If it’s your child or your partner they do but because your parents are supposed to go before you they think you should be ok. I’m not, she was my world and I’m devastated and just would like to join her. Grief is the last taboo.

    • Tammy  April 30, 2019 at 8:05 pm Reply

      People who support you the first few days will move on and you are left to continue grieving

    • Lisa  May 2, 2019 at 8:52 pm Reply

      I am so sorry for your loss. I read somewhere that the loss of a mother is the first sorrow wept without her. I lost my Mom almost 2 years ago and sometimes I miss her so much I can hardly breathe. She was my best friend. They say grief comes in waves and today was a tidal wave. Reminders are everywhere with Mothers Day approaching and that has been the most difficult day for me. I promise you it won’t always hurt this much
      I’m sure your Mom would want you to be happy. That’s what gets me through my most difficult days.
      I hope you have caring friends and family to get you through. My sincere condolences for your loss.

    • Claire Bourdin  August 12, 2019 at 1:00 am Reply

      I sympathise with you completely. I lost my mother just over 6 months ago at the age of 97 & 4 months and I feel exactly the same as you do. Friends bothered at the beginning but now no one seems to phone. One or two do but that is all. And the bit about children and husbands is quite true. Mother’s are so important in your life and have been there all your life. My mother was in a home for just over a year and was very happy there, well looked after. She was my life, I used to go in twice a week to see her. Managed to tell her I loved her 2 days before she died & she said she did too. I have a partner and we are going to Greece next month. Hoping that will help. No I understand exactly how you feel. I live in Hove in the UK.

      Please have my e mail address: bourdin5@sky.com

      Best wishes, Claire

    • Tina  September 18, 2019 at 7:50 am Reply

      Melissa… I feel the deep pain! The children and partner part is true… people expect parents to go before us.. but they don’t understand the pain of losing mum… I lost my mum 9 mth ago on 2 Jan. she is only 62 and been healthy and fit.. died of annurisym.. so sudden..I just wish I had gone with her… she’s always been my best friend.. I think how much the pain it brings depending on how much they have enriched your life!! I’m very close with mum… and she’s given me all the love she can.. which i will not get from anyone else in this world ever! Not even from dad, not from your partner or kids ( I don’t have spouse or kids) but I’m sure that’s the case…
      If you feel like talking to your own feeling .. feel free to email me for a chat!! tinaq0921@yahoo.com

  76. Robin Richeson  April 26, 2019 at 12:02 am Reply

    My 17 year old daughter and her boyfriend lost their newborn daughter on April 11, 2019.

    My first Grandchild, Evalyn, was in distress and delivered by emergency c-section within 10 minutes of getting my daughter to the hospital. Evalyn only lived for four hours.

    I think what has helped the young parents the most is knowing Evalyn was going to help others have a chance at life by donating her organs. She was a beautiful baby; looked just like her Mom and me. She was perfect.

    Oh the things I would have done for my sweet granddaughter. 💔

  77. Susan Bowles  April 19, 2019 at 5:15 pm Reply

    Grief is absolute and awful. I lost the love of my life 4 weeks ago. I am devastated

    • Denise  June 8, 2019 at 3:10 pm Reply

      Susan,
      I lost my beloved husband on April 25, 2019.
      The pain is unbelievable.It is the deepest and most difficult pain I have ever experienced.
      I am sorry for both our losses, and I am grieving with you.

    • Joanna  June 13, 2019 at 4:31 am Reply

      I lost my husband very suddenly and unexpectedly at the end of January this year. He simply went out and never came home again. Believe me, I know what you’re going through, he was the love of my life and my best friend.

      • Margaret  July 14, 2019 at 11:24 am

        I hate to say this, but torture is the word I would use to describe my grief. I lost the love of my life on April 10th o a horrific car crash through no fault of his own…..he was just trying to get to work.

  78. S J  March 11, 2019 at 2:34 pm Reply

    No one told me. That My 2 adult stepdaughters would plan an out of town birthday celebration for my husband 3 weeks after my mothers death. I would have thought that with them knowing I was the one who had to give final authority ” to make my mother comfortable” while I was 8 hours away driving to get to her knowing I couldnt say goodbye in person that they would understand I didn’t want to be without my husband at night. In appalled at their insensivity & I won’t feel bad for feeling that way.

  79. Mehak  February 27, 2019 at 10:15 am Reply

    Grief is the necter that cleans your sins. So let grief come. Welcome it.accept it. It will not be pleasant but it will be enlightening.

    1
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  82. Kp  February 3, 2019 at 9:28 pm Reply

    Thanks for this list. I haven’t read the comments but what I am realizing is grief can be physically exhausting. Lost both parents within a year. My mom was an unexpected loss. Dad had been sick. My mom passed first. I physically can’t do as much as I used to and I know it’s bevause I’m grieving even when I am not thinking about it. It’s like extra weight.

  83. Jera Gentry  January 27, 2019 at 4:41 pm Reply

    My 24 year old son, Ashton, was shot and killed 4 months ago. September 29th, 2018. No arrests. When your child is murdered, it brings about extra questions. The Who, what, and why. Questions I may never have answers to. The anger is real. Grief is incremental. It’s doesn’t go away, it changes. I’m stuck in an anger root right now. Also, people don’t get that your child is literally in your mind, 24/7! Literally. You don’t want to talk about anything else. Or, you don’t want to talk at all. You become a completely different person. Phony…fake if you will. I’ve become a liar. I wear a mask. It gets tiring to answer people honestly when they’re stupid enough to ask, “how are you? Are you okay?” You want to scream at them with 4 letter words, HOW DO YOU THINK I AM? In the beginning, I explained over and over I’m hurt, I’m numb, I’m angry, I’m unpredictable…now, I just say I’m alright with a little sarcasm. And walk away. I wear a mask in public, cause I can’t cry at the mall for the rest of my life. Oh and…grief is my new normal. It’s who I am.

    • Mel  April 21, 2019 at 11:03 pm Reply

      I am sorry this happened to you. If you need to cry in the mall then I say do it. You have every right to be angry. I have wore a mask out in public and it isn’t pleasant. If people don’t want to know how you are really feeling they shouldn’t ask.

    • Tracy  May 29, 2019 at 4:43 pm Reply

      I am so very, very sorry for what you are going through in the tragic, violent loss of your son. I am going through a devastated loss as well, and yet I wish somebody would ask “how are you” to me. Nobody does. It’s as if nothing happened and I am supposed to just roll with the tide as if my world is not shattered and gone. How I wish just one person would acknowledge my loss by asking how I am doing. Maybe I wouldn’t feel so desperately alone and hopeless in this suffocating grief.

      • Becky  June 25, 2019 at 7:27 am

        I’m so sorry that no-one has had the decency and compassion to ask how you are, unfortunately grief is a frightening thing for many people and they sometimes feel it’s better to say nothing than say the wrong thing. I wish you the strength and courage to bear it and to heal.

  84. Dottie Moore  January 23, 2019 at 6:35 pm Reply

    The only 2 things i can think of to add to this list is that i wish i had ran across it or someone had sent it to me before my precious mama passed away Jan. 29 2018. The other thing I’d add is i wish my BFF had read it & had transformed into the human she had once been & been there for me when i realized 2 months after mom died that she was Really gone forever, that id Never see her again in my lifetime. I freaked out & when my now former bff ignored my calls & texts i finally admitted to myself what a narcisstic fair weather user she had slowly but surely became in the past 20 yrs

  85. Sunny  January 20, 2019 at 12:59 am Reply

    During the last years I have lost my father and three brothers by suicide. The last one in June 2018. Life was hard for me and grief will never end I think. Now people are bullying me and say: When will you take your own life and continue your family’s Tradition. It is hard to stand against these people . But what is wrong with them to ask me questions like that?

    • Marlen Alcindor  January 21, 2019 at 9:07 am Reply

      The cruelty of some people these days doesn’t surprise me and I am sorry this happened to you.

    • Em  January 23, 2019 at 4:42 am Reply

      I deeply feel for your losses. I recently lost a third brother whom I had know until last year for 41years of my life. My heart misses him. I lost two brothers to suicide years ago when we were teenagers and I grieve still the second one. Please reach out to support networks. These people who are bullying you are not worth it. They have their own insecurities and leave them to it. You are worth it. Every piece of you.

      It is hard sometimes- I get it. Know you are worth it. Peace

    • Lydia  January 26, 2019 at 1:34 am Reply

      I am so sorry. People can be horrible. I will never understand people like that and what kind of moral compass they have. Your losses are immense and the last thing you need are people like that. I just wanted to say how sorry I am you have to go through all this.

    • June fun dir Merve  March 11, 2019 at 1:35 am Reply

      Look behind the person saying these things to you, there is an enemy/force behind these people that wants to destroy you. once you realise the person in front of you is being used, you can forgive /stop blaming the person and stand stronger. Speak out against it and say it will not destroy you. the person being used may think you lost your marbles, but that is okay. You will let the enemy know you are not afraid and you will be stronger for it. Knowledge is power.

      Give yourself permission to feel what you are feeling and live it. grief is an emotion and if you may be happy, joyful etc, you may also be sad. Enjoy the moment like all other emotional moments. if you cry in a theater, people understand. They will have to learn to understand your grief. it is on them.

  86. ROBERT M FRUMKIN  January 14, 2019 at 3:47 pm Reply

    Grief demands you take care of yourself

  87. Terri Daniel, MA, CT  January 13, 2019 at 11:38 am Reply

    Speaking as a clinical chaplain certified in death, dying and bereavement by the Association for Death Education and Counseling with 12 years of hospice experience (and having lost a child myself),while many of the points on this list were good, some were incorrect and downright irresponsible, and should never be included on a list like this.

    Some of these statements were made as if they were absolute truths, and it made me wonder if the person who wrote this list had any knowledge of contemporary grief theory and counseling. I would strongly urge you to rewrite the following statements. It can be as simple as inserting the words “sometimes” or “can be” or “for some people” so that you’re not making blanket statements as if they apply to everybody in every situation. For what it’s worth, here are my comments:

    “Holidays, anniversaries, and birthdays will be hard forever.”
    This is a terrible thing tell a grieving person. It is not an absolute truth, and is not true for all people. Some people are more resilient than others, and resilience is not a sign of denial or suppression of feelings. We can learn to make those events joyful, where we remember the loved one with fondness rather than despondence.

    “You lose yourself, your identity, meaning, purpose, values, your trust””
    Why is this stated as an absolute? While it certainly CAN be true, it is not true for all people in all situations. It depends on a variety of multiple factors surrounding the death, including the relationship to the deceased, the type of death, the presence (or lack) of social support, spiritual perspectives, and dozens of other factors.

    “However badly you think it is going to hurt, it is going to be a million times worse”
    Nobody with any knowledge or skill in grief support would make a statement like this. Again, it depends on all the factors listed above, and much more.

    “There is no normal when it comes to grieving.”
    Loss and grief are normal parts of human experience, and there IS a “normal” trajectory for healthy grieving. But some people develop “complicated grief,” which is unhealthy and can sometimes even be pathological.

    “Grief makes you feel like you are going crazy.”
    This may be true for some people, but not for others. Grief is a normal response to loss, and to teach people that it always makes you feel like you’re going crazy is just plain wrong.

    “Dying is not like you see on TV or in the movies. It is not peaceful or prepared.”
    This is an absurd statement. I have witnessed dozens of peaceful, prepared, beautiful deaths.

    I hope you will consider re-writing that list with the help of someone trained in grief counseling. It could be a valuable tool, but as it is now, I would never share it with my clients or students.

    • Carol  January 13, 2019 at 11:05 pm Reply

      Thank you for your words of wisdom
      Hugs

    • Xisca Nicolas  January 15, 2019 at 3:50 pm Reply

      You mention having “lost” a child, and using this word, lost, has some drawbacks, as it had for my mom when she was a child! She heard so many times her mother say she regretted to have “lost” her baby, and my mom as a child thought “why did not dad go and look for the lost baby as he knows the forest well?”
      She understood suddenly one day that this baby had died. She heard the expression when she knew that the person had died, and she understood.
      How many years of distrust, of being lost and nobody will care? I could see her fear with us, her children. She had the fear that we could fear to be abandoned!
      Please can you introduce in your work to use a proper word and be careful with children that get the direct meaning of a word. Fear of abandonment is known to be very deep, and it should not be associated with death!

      • Smidgen Barnes  January 16, 2019 at 12:06 am

        “Losing” a child doesn’t always mean that the child died. As sorry as I am that your mom spent years fearing abandonment, the responsibility for her misunderstanding was her parents’, not the author’s. Children can be given up for adoption, taken by the state or kidnapped, addicted and out of touch, estranged for unknown reasons…”lost” has lots of meanings, not all of which equate to “death”.

    • Jill Schlapper  January 20, 2019 at 8:52 am Reply

      I have been privileged to be with my parents when they passed. I also work with Hospice and have witnessed and heard many moving stories. I agree Terri, when I read this list, although there were some real good points, there were many that were worded poorly. Each person experiences death and grief in their own way. It is important however they find help through family, friends, church or support group. When reading this list, please remember this is one person’s perspective.

    • Kira  January 28, 2019 at 11:20 pm Reply

      I think you just made a few statements that should not be on this list either. You may have seen many beautiful deaths, but that’s not the way it always goes. Death – dying – can be really hard and unpleasant. My husband was in hospice at home ( they didn’t do a great job, but that’s another story) and had a pretty “unpleasant” death. Not peaceful, not beautiful. And a few of my friends have also had non-peaceful, non beautiful deaths. Dying can be hard and can take a while, and just because someone is drugged out at the very end doesn’t mean it was peaceful. This is real.

    • Brooke Sydney-Smith  March 14, 2019 at 8:13 pm Reply

      You also can’t make the blanket statement that death is beautiful.
      When we watched my friend collapse and die at school (we were fourteen) it wasn’t beautiful.
      We watched her dead body come out and the paramedics doing CPR and we knew.
      The silence, the death. We were watching.

  88. Stacey  January 12, 2019 at 11:44 pm Reply

    Don’t compare your or others love for a person based on your/ their expression of grief

    It’s ok not to visit the memorial or grave. You will go when you are ready or you may never go the main thing is it’s ok you can remember in different ways.

  89. Laura  January 12, 2019 at 11:01 pm Reply

    No one tells you that your siblings continue to live their lives and that you become the only one to care for your physical disabled mother.
    I dropped everything to care for my daddy when he was diagnosed with cancer. I took him to Every appointment, Chemo, Radiation every Specialist, every doctor.
    I always made sure he had whatever he needed, from meds to oxygen and everything in between.
    Kept charts of appointments, meds, breathing treatments. I wouldn’t give up 1 second of the time I had with him.
    He was my Rock, my Hero.
    I don’t know how it became my job but I’m so proud it did. Because I now know that no one else could’ve done it better.
    My mom couldn’t handle any of it.
    She said some things that just made me SMH…
    Like when he came home from the hospital with oxygen… she said “I don’t like that, you with oxygen….
    OMG that’s like saying “I don’t like you breathing!!!”
    She went with us once to his Chemo appointment and she says.. “I don’t like seeing all those sick people!!”
    Holy S#¡t my Daddy is one of those “Sick People ”
    You would think that with 55 years of MARRIAGE she would me more understanding??

    My Daddy and I have always been close.
    It has killed me, I have my own health issues and am so severely depressed that I struggle everyday just to get up…..
    BUTTTT
    I’m now taking care of my mom because I guess that’s my job now.
    I have 3 siblings but feel like an only child, I have no life of my own… No one tells you that your siblings expect you to be the sole caregiver of your parents!
    I feel like I’ve not been able to grieve because I been thrown into “my” next “job!”
    I love my mom dearly, but we butt heads about a lot of things.
    I’m used to living alone with my son but now we live with her (she can’t live alone with her physical limitations) so that has been a HUGE adjustment.
    I miss my daddy every single MOMENT!
    No one tells you that no matter how many days pass…. you’ll Never stop missing them.
    No one tells you that no matter how much time you’re together and things you did you wish you did more.
    The thing that people do say is, it gets better with time…… That is a lie.
    The only thing that does get better with time is that I know with every day that goes by…
    Is That I’m One Day Closer
    To Seeing HIM again!!
    In Heaven ❤❤❤

    • Beverly  January 13, 2019 at 1:12 am Reply

      Laura, I cannot imagine your grief. I also would think the same things if my mother said some of those things, but outside the box I can see maybe her those were her attempts to cope to grieve the husband she once had. The older generation were not allowed or encouraged to express grief. So hopefully as youbcare forvher & allow yourself to grieve she will be able to do so. I pray for you to take time to find support & encouragement for yourself during this challenging time. God bless

    • Laura S  December 3, 2019 at 4:22 am Reply

      Laura – i read your comments and so feel you – I did not catch your name until I read Beverly’s reply to you …. It caught me off guard as my name is Laura (as well). My daddy just passed away June 3 – it is actually officially six months and I feel so much of what you expressed – a few differences, the most important thing we share is that our daddy was our hero – he will always be too, know that!!! As hard as some days are for me and as much as I want to be with him, I have a husband and two kids and my dog… i so want to smile and enjoy life its just so tough without him. He was my go to person and now hes gone. I get in the car and call him and hes not there …. i don’t understand how people say it gets easier …. i don’t ever see how…this post is amazing – I cant believe comments go through 2013 – i hope to follow from now on. To anyone who is here – may g-d be with you. May you try not feel so alone and find peace in the relationship that has been lost in the presence of today – not in your heart … be kind to yourselves!!!

  90. SLN  January 12, 2019 at 3:39 am Reply

    When someone you love gets sicks and goes through the dying process, whatever relationship you had with them before the illness will continue through to their death. People who have a hard time expressing emotions, won’t suddenly be able to communicate deep emotions. People who do not know how to be affectionate, will not suddenly become affectionate. And that’s okay.

    • Vicki  January 12, 2019 at 4:20 pm Reply

      I don’t agree that sending thank you cards is a bad thing. I lost my 19 year old daughter and I thought writing out thank you cards helped me. It was kind of like journaling (which helps a lot too). Not only that but when someone gives you a small or large amount of money, I think it’s a good idea to thank them.acceptable

  91. Lonely  January 11, 2019 at 6:58 pm Reply

    You will grief ALONE

  92. Terri Thomas  January 4, 2019 at 11:29 am Reply

    Green & Super-green remeidies for grief:

    • Terri Thomas  January 4, 2019 at 11:37 am Reply

      Green and super-green remedies for grief:

    • Terri Thomas  January 4, 2019 at 11:42 am Reply

      Green & Super-Green Remedies for Grief
      August 5, 2018

      |

      Terri Thomas

      God’s natural & supernatural gifts to the bereaved.

      God has provided so many gifts for us to help us as we navigate this journey through grief. Some of them occur naturally (green) and some of them are given to us supernaturally (super-green). I do believe that the super-green gifts are the most important. They enable the green gifts to work more effectively. The green gifts alone might not be sufficient to provide the healing and peace that we need.

      Some of GOD’S GREEN GIFTS

      1. THE SUPPORT OF FAMILY AND FRIENDS

      I am so grateful for the love and support that we received! In our darkest hour, these people were truly the hands and feet of Christ that carried us when we couldn’t carry ourselves. To me this was by far the most important of the “Green Gifts,” especially in the immediate aftermath of Brett’s death. The prayers, meals, phone calls, texts, flowers, gifts, cards and letters, tears shed with us, time spent with us, etc. touched our hearts so deeply and left and indelible mark.

      2. PETS

      Every time we look at our pet with love our body reacts positively by producing chemicals that lift our spirits. When you do this many times throughout the day, it is a great natural help for our sadness.

      “We animal lovers have long known that, no matter what life may bring — sickness, sadness, or radiant health — pets make us feel better. Numerous studies have documented astonishingly wide-ranging effects. Cat owners enjoy a 30 percent reduction in heart attack risk. Watching swimming fish lowers blood pressure. Stroking a dog boosts the immune system. Now researchers can explain the source of our companion animals’ healing powers: Our pets profoundly change the biochemistry of our brains.”

      Read more here

      “Your dog offers unconditional love, companionship, and lots of fun. You have no doubt felt the joy of being greeted with a wagging tail, doggy kisses, and a loving nuzzle. The pleasure experienced with such a welcome definitely lifts your spirits. It also changes your body chemistry and greatly benefits your emotional and physical health by increasing your feel good hormones, serotonin and oxycotin.”

      Read more here

      Here is my little serotonin lifter – Teddy Thomas. He has been such a blessing to me. Every time I look at him I can feel my heart lift. I thank God for him every day!

      3. EXERCISE

      When you exercise, your body releases chemicals called endorphins. These endorphins interact with the receptors in your brain that reduce your perception of pain. Endorphins also trigger a positive feeling in the body, similar to that of morphine. Read more here

      4. CRY IT OUT (literally) – TEARS

      Emotional tears have special health benefits. Biochemist and “tear expert” Dr. William Frey at the Ramsey Medical Center in Minneapolis discovered that reflex tears are 98% water, whereas emotional tears also contain stress hormones which get excreted from the body through crying. After studying the composition of tears, Dr. Frey found that emotional tears shed these hormones and other toxins which accumulate during stress. Additional studies also suggest that crying stimulates the production of endorphins, our body’s natural pain killer and “feel-good” hormones.”

      Read more here

      5. LIVE IN THE PRESENT MOMENT

      My family and I have had to learn to live one day at a time, especially for the first two years, because that is all we could do. Thinking of never seeing Brett again in this life was more than we could bear. Each morning I would wake up and think, “I can get through today without Brett.” Thinking of the future without him, even only as far into it as the next day, was too hard. We learned that God’s grace and provision are always with us in the present moment. We don’t have the grace and strength for the future yet but we will when it gets here in real time. Now that it is almost three years later, I am able to think about the future without my son physically present in it without it causing me anxiety. Two years ago I could not do that. God has given me the grace to live in the present moment with joy & sorrow peacefully coexisting in my heart and, at the same time, with much hope for the future even though Brett will not be a part of it physically. I know that it is His desire is to do the same for everyone. Living in anticipatory anxiety about the difficulty entailed in carrying a particular cross is a recipe for depression and poor health – physically and psychologically.

      The image below lists some other green remedies for grief from St. Thomas Aquinas:

      What has helped you in your grief?

      Some of GOD’S SUPER-GREEN (SUPERNATURAL) GIFTS TO THE BEREAVED

      These super-green gifts require supernatural Faith in order for them to release their healing effects in our soul. This kind of Faith is a gift given to us by God in Baptism but it is given to us in seed form. The other sacraments, especially the Eucharist, a life of prayer, reading scripture, obedience to God’s will, serving others, etc. all nurture the growth of Faith in our souls but there are many other gifts that nurture its growth as well.

      Our faith can be likened to a channel or a pipeline of God’s healing grace. It opens our souls to receive the fullness of God’s presence in our suffering and it elevates our suffering to a supernatural level; it allows God to bring a greater good out of it. This is what our loved ones who we are grieving over desire for us. They are cheering us on!

      (If your Faith is weak, ask God to increase your Faith. If you are a baptized Catholic but haven’t been to Mass for a while, seek reconciliation with God by going to the sacrament of Reconciliation. If you are not baptized, enter R.C.I.A at your local Catholic Church and receive the gift of Faith through Baptism. This will open the door to so much grace and healing in your life!)

      Some of the super-green gifts from Christ that I have found to be immensely helpful in the healing process are the Eucharist, Redemptive Suffering and the understanding of Purgatory. I have experienced miracles of healing in my broken heart through Christ’s presence through these channels of his grace that our beautiful Catholic Faith offers us.

      1. THE EUCHARIST

      The strength of receiving the Risen Christ in Holy Communion is so amazing. Carrying our crosses is hard. We need him. In the Eucharist His strength begins where our natural ability ends and little by little he pours it into our hearts, minds and souls. You cannot always detect it sensibly but, like an antibiotic or a vitamin, you know from hindsight the effects. Not only that, our loved ones are at Mass with us every time we attend. We are worshiping God with them there. Our Mass on earth is a participation in the Heavenly liturgy. WOW! Have you heard of the phrase “I’ll see you in the Eucharist?”

      2. REDEMPTIVE SUFFERING

      To me the waves of grief can wash over me like a tidal wave and it can literally feel like I am drowning and the water feels like the Dead Sea if I don’t know what to do with it. When I offer each wave of grief to the Lord as my sacrifice it changes it into Living Water because he takes each one I give him, unites it with his perfect sacrifice and uses it as a channel of grace for others. This increases the flow of grace into the world. He allows us to see some of what he uses it for here and now but most of what he does with our offering will be seen in heaven.

      It can be helpful to make a prayer list and as each wave comes, take out your list and pray “I offer this suffering for….” This is what we are doing at Mass – If you think about the words of the “morning offering” that we might have learned as children. We are at Mass to offer ourselves with Jesus to the Father for the salvation of the world and because we are members of His Body on earth (Cf. 1 Cor 12:12-31; Col 1:18; 2:18-20; Eph. 1:22-23; 3:19; 4:13) and he lives in us (Galatians 2:20), our offering has merit – eternal value. What a high calling we have! If all bereaved people knew this, what a difference it could make in finding meaning and a mission in their suffering!

      To learn more about how to make your whole day an offering for your loved one who has died go here

      3. PURGATORY

      The church teaches that unless a person has an “ST.” (as in Saint) in front of their name we cannot assume that they are already enjoying the Beatific Vision in heaven and because of that, we should continue to offer prayers and sacrifices (suffrages) for them to aid them in their journey to full union with God. There is a very real exchange of spiritual goods – they cannot help themselves but they can intercede for us and they will if we ask them. We pray and offer our good works for them and they intercede for us so the relationship continues even now but in a new way. We have experienced many blessings through my son’s intercession and I know I am helping him too. This is so good for a grieving heart! It gives us something concrete and effective to “do” with our grief. It is also a great incentive to grow in holiness because as we grow in holiness our prayers and works become more fruitful for our loved ones.

      Pope Francis speaks of this in his POST-SYNODAL APOSTOLIC EXHORTATION AMORIS LÆTITIA OF THE HOLY FATHER FRANCIS #’s 253-258.

      Here is part of that:

      “257. One way of maintaining fellowship with our loved ones is to pray for them. The Bible tells us that “to pray for the dead” is “holy and pious” (2 Macc 12:44-45). “Our prayer for them is capable not only of helping them, but also of making their intercession for us effective”. The Book of Revelation portrays the martyrs interceding for those who suffer injustice on earth (cf. Rev 6:9-11), in solidarity with this world and its history. Some saints, before dying, consoled their loved ones by promising them that they would be near to help them. Saint Therese of Lisieux wished to continue doing good from heaven. Saint Dominic stated that “he would be more helpful after death… more powerful in obtaining graces”. These are truly “bonds of love”, because “the union of the wayfarers with the brethren who sleep in the Lord is in no way interrupted… [but] reinforced by an exchange of spiritual goods”.

      If we accept death, we can prepare ourselves for it. The way is to grow in our love for those who walk at our side, until that day when “death will be no more, mourning and crying and pain will be no more” (Rev 21:4). We will thus prepare ourselves to meet once more our loved ones who have died. Just as Jesus “gave back to his mother” (cf. Lk 7:15) her son who had died, so it will be with us. Let us not waste energy by dwelling on the distant past. The better we live on this earth, the greater the happiness we will be able to share with our loved ones in heaven. The more we are able to mature and develop in this world, the more gifts will we be able to bring to the heavenly banquet.”

      St. Thomas Aquinas teaches that even if our loved ones are already in heaven and we continue to pray and offer sacrifices for them, especially the Mass, their “accidental glory” (their intimacy with God and their intercessory power) increases because love (charity) is always creative and even in heaven we will be growing for all eternity.

      • Luise  January 13, 2019 at 6:01 am

        Please do not bring God into this. For many, there is no God, and I think this is a cruel and inconsiderate response

      • Elysse  February 11, 2019 at 12:07 am

        Terri, thank you for your comments. I especially found the part regarding the Eucharist to be profoundly meaningful and comforting. Truly, thank you.

      • Lisa  February 28, 2019 at 4:03 am

        Thank you Terri

  93. Dazzler  January 1, 2019 at 6:45 pm Reply

    Thanks for the list, it’s very helpful, along with all the comments.

    Death is one of the only certainties in life but it still comes as a complete shock and feels unbearable.

    • Tiffany  January 10, 2019 at 12:56 am Reply

      Yes, thank you. My mom went (I can’t write the d-word yet) less than 24 hours ago. She was my best friend. I overheard my dad telling my niece that my two sisters will hurt but I will hurt more because of the bond we had. This felt strangely good—he gets it. I am worried because right now I just want to follow her out of this bleak life. Of course I can’t—that would wreck my friends and family.

      Anyway, it’s good to be on this site as I figure out how to deal with this feeling of hopelessness, fear and sadness.

      • Elysse  February 11, 2019 at 12:13 am

        I’m so sorry for your loss. I understand the feelings you described. Please find a trusted person and tell them exact what you’re feeling. Your life here matters. May you be comforted and know peace again. With a sincere heart, I wish the very best for you.

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    • Denise Swan  January 4, 2019 at 9:26 am Reply

      What?! I don’t even know what you’re trying to say.

  95. Julia  December 24, 2018 at 1:35 pm Reply

    Every time someone you care about dies the grief from your past losses — even years later— will hit you afresh.

  96. N  December 19, 2018 at 9:39 pm Reply

    After almost 20 years, I’m still pissed at my father for taking his own life.

    • Tammey  December 24, 2018 at 8:53 am Reply

      I also am pissed at my husband for wasting his life drinking and dying because of it and his choices.

  97. Robby  December 15, 2018 at 6:47 pm Reply

    You can hurt people by sharing what’s too much for them. It’s been almost 20 years since I lost my son. I’m not “over it. There are still times when I reflexively share with someone who’s experienced a difficult loss. I think I should leave their door open to “get over it,” instead of telling them how I’m not. I think we all process and operate based on our own personal capacities. I was raised to share and support those around me, but I find it hard to find the line between sharing and protecting. The only solution I find is to keep that door closed. It’s very hard to close my heart to those around me.

  98. Marissa Semak  December 13, 2018 at 4:34 pm Reply

    Keeping the memories alive makes you feel like you are keeping his love alive, too.

  99. Marissa Semak  December 13, 2018 at 4:33 pm Reply

    after a few years, the person you lost will start to feel like a dream.

  100. Marissa Semak  December 13, 2018 at 4:31 pm Reply

    You will feel like everyone is staring at you everywhere you go. That is just insecurity from lost, you are not “crazy.”

    1
    • Misty  December 18, 2018 at 9:44 am Reply

      I’m happy to know this is a real thing. Thank you for sharing!

    • Yesenia  June 15, 2019 at 8:33 pm Reply

      Wow. I lost my husband (46) to a heart attack on May 8th. I recently went to lunch with a friend and asked if I looked ok, because I had this same feeling – that everyone was staring at me. I’ve had the feeling a couple more times and wondered if I was going crazy. Thanks for sharing, I had no idea others felt this too.

  101. Marissa Semak  December 13, 2018 at 4:27 pm Reply

    You won’t always have a support system like others.

  102. Nicole  December 13, 2018 at 10:11 am Reply

    I lost my great grandmother to cancer 9 days ago. it was the hardest thing i had to go through… it still is. this helped my so much to help cope with the loss of my great grandmother

  103. Daisy  December 10, 2018 at 10:42 pm Reply

    I lost my husband of 37 years suddenly & unexpectedly. I was not prepared for what I found in his phone. Now I deal with grief, unfaithfulness & hurt. I also deal with people ignoring me because the circumstances at his death were intensified by an immature work partner of his that keeps showing up. My only family is the in-laws that think that I’ll remarry in a couple of years & the sister-in-law that refuses to talk to me. I have been totally ignored by his father who by the way didn’t have the courtesy to call or send condolences never mind considering making the trip to attend his memorial. I feel so alone & selfish at the same time for feeling sorry for myself. I am thankful for the two close friends that I can be open with. The conditions of his unfaithfulness are not something that I want to share & feel imbarassed that I was blindsided.

    • Melinda  December 23, 2018 at 8:38 pm Reply

      Oh wow. I can only imagine the hurt and confusion you must be feeling, on top of the pain of losing your husband. Thinking of you Daisy. Take care of you as much as you can.

  104. Marc  December 7, 2018 at 11:13 am Reply

    This is nice, and a lot of them ring true. My mom died just over 3 weeks ago. I’m back at work and feel as if I’ve had no real time to mourn. while I’ve helped with funeral arrangements and spending time with my dad. It still feels like a bad dream and it hurts every morning I wake up.

    I’ve never been one to care about pleasantries, but I’ve been somewhat surprised at the lack of condolences from my co-workers. I don’t hate them for it as death is a difficult subject to bring up, but it still feels odd no one has stopped by. Thankfully, my friends and family have been there for me, and that’s what matters most.

  105. Caroline Fearington  December 5, 2018 at 12:55 am Reply

    I lost my crush on Friday November 30th 2018. I never got to tell him how I truly feel and I will never get to. After his death I found out how many mutual friends we have and one of them I talk to everyday and he told my crush to drive safe and shook his hand before climbing behind the wheel. He fell asleep behind the wheel drove through a fence into a tree then the truck caught on fire. His crash site is across the street from my grandparents. He barely knew I existed we worked at the same store and that’s where I met him. I did care for him deeply. I have to grieve alone cause he had a girlfriend and I don’t want to seem like I’m being selfish with talking about It to our friends. This is one of the hardest death I have dealt with and I have lost way more people than most people ever will. Justin’s death and my Great Uncle’s and I will be messed up for a while. Thank you for this I needed this to make sure I wasn’t going crazy with the sudden waves of tears and I just break down in random places.

  106. Sandy C  December 2, 2018 at 12:25 pm Reply

    Simply. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

  107. Monica  December 1, 2018 at 8:26 pm Reply

    My son died of an overdose 10 years ago. I cried some but was more numb. I have waited for real grief to come all this time…..I cry sometimes. I have always said to myself and others that I am ok because I know he is still somewhere…I miss him and wish I could get to know him better. He had just turned 18 and was an old soul. At least that’s what I tell myself. What I don’t want to tell myself is that I missed his pain……I am so sorry….. He died a week before from an overdose and they brought him back…he said he didn’t think this would happen to him, yet a week later he did it again….Someone who had lost her daughter recently, asked me a few weeks after he died “aren’t you thankful for the 18 years you had him?” That helped and I am joyful about that. But I also suspect that I have thought it was wrong to be angry and sad. I let the tears come now sometimes and don’t know what else may be there….If there is a dam and it breaks, I know I can share this with a few trusted friends. I can’t share with my siblings because it’s never discussed. Anniversaries are silent. No one seems to remember but me. I suspect it scares them…..It is comforting to remember that your not alone and reading others comments reminds me that I am human and among many…..

    • Susan Perreault  December 17, 2018 at 4:18 am Reply

      I scanned downed the list of comments but stopped at yours for some reason. I feel so sad for you, I know you did have a great and wonderful 18 years with your son. You got to hold him and smell his new baby smell. And when he learned to walk and then fell down. I bet you have so many awesome memories. Im never going to know how any of that feels and it hurts that I was never able to know that kind of joy or see myself in a miniature version of myself.
      I was the mom to a miniature Poodle for 18 years and we spent every day together, ate our meals together and slept together. I don’t think it’s possible to share that much time with a child and I know a dog isn’t the same as a child but for 18 years he was my life and every decision I made was with consideration for him. The last year was the hardest not only because he was losing his memory and use of his legs but because I constantly dreaded the worst case scenario. I ended up putting him to sleep because I would rather deal with the regret and pain of what I did rather than risk him being alone and suffering at his time of passing. I’ve been in mourning, missing him and crying every day but I’m still very grateful for all of the memories and one day I know I’ll be able to think about him without feeling so sad. Everything is energy and energy doesn’t die, it only changes form. I’ve thought about if that guy hadn’t run his red light and crashed into me, terminating my pregnancy and my husband wouldn’t have left me and I didn’t lose my ability to work and earn an income. But then what if I lost my son after 18 years? How on earth would I ever be able to cope with that and work through it?
      Monica, your son died because he enjoyed the feeling of using drugs for whatever reason but unless he was blatant, you would have ever been able to figure it out and prevent his death. I feel so bad for you because of the guilty weight you carry. It’s the saddest to witness someone’s suffering that they didn’t deserve and don’t even realize that they have created their own hell for which they hold the key but refuse to free themselves.
      I recently heard something that changed my perspective: it’s not what happens to you, it’s how you respond to it.
      Shit happens all the time, lots of really good people suffer bad luck that destroys them and leaves them in an unfamiliar, ugly place where they can’t find their way back home but only a few of those people refuse to accept that horrible fate without fighting back.

      I can think of the last 17 years of my life as time I wasted but 16 of those 17 years allowed me to spend all of my time with my Bernie Bear. I was there when his legs would fail him and he would call for me from the hallway. I changed his diapers, groomed him and cradled him in my arms until he fell asleep with no fear of having to wake up early for work in the morning.
      I use to say that he was my angel sent to help me through the worst time of my life following the loss of my dad, my car accident, my marriage and pregnancy and all that followed after it, just one thing after another. I gave my Baby Boo credit for getting me surviving all that but not long after the last time I held him in my arms it occurred to me that all that stuff happened to me as a way of helping me so that I would be strong enough to survive the loss of my sweet, little baby boy. I big part of me was lost 2 years ago and I will probably never accept it and be okay with it but I talk about him all the time and I love to hear other people talk about him and memories they have. You shouldn’t have to keep the memory of your son hidden from your family or anyone else. They should feel ashamed for not being your strongest support group. Don’t be mad at them though because they don’t know any better. They won’t know until they suffer the same kind of loss but you will be there for them and they will finally understand.
      click on the link, I’ve read the story several times and I’ve shared it more times than I can remember. I hope it helps. The title of the article is Person Asks Online For Advice On How To Deal With Grief. This Reply Is Incredible. Rather than looking for it at one of the places I shared it online I thought it would be just as easy to find it online via google search and that’s how I ended up here, reading what you posted. They say things happen for a reason and I like to believe that’s true. Here’s the link(url) and good luck to you.

      https://ow.ly/R4GWE

      click on it until the whole thing is highlighted and then either copy and paste or right click on it and click Go To (url) and it will take you directly to the source
      Or I’ll paste it below because it really is awesome and everyone should get to read it

      “The way he (GSnow) describes grief, how to perceive it, and how to weather it, is nothing short of beautiful:

      Alright, here goes. I’m old. What that means is that I’ve survived (so far) and a lot of people I’ve known and loved did not. I’ve lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can’t imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here’s my two cents.
      I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don’t want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don’t want it to “not matter.” I don’t want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can’t see.
      As for grief, you’ll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you’re drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it’s some physical thing. Maybe it’s a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it’s a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.
      In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don’t even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you’ll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what’s going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything…and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.
      Somewhere down the line, and it’s different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O’Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you’ll come out.
      Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don’t really want them to. But you learn that you’ll survive them. And other waves will come. And you’ll survive them too. If you’re lucky, you’ll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks. “

    • Susan Perreault  December 17, 2018 at 4:24 am Reply

      “The way he (GSnow) describes grief, how to perceive it, and how to weather it, is nothing short of beautiful:

      Alright, here goes. I’m old. What that means is that I’ve survived (so far) and a lot of people I’ve known and loved did not. I’ve lost friends, best friends, acquaintances, co-workers, grandparents, mom, relatives, teachers, mentors, students, neighbors, and a host of other folks. I have no children, and I can’t imagine the pain it must be to lose a child. But here’s my two cents.
      I wish I could say you get used to people dying. I never did. I don’t want to. It tears a hole through me whenever somebody I love dies, no matter the circumstances. But I don’t want it to “not matter.” I don’t want it to be something that just passes. My scars are a testament to the love and the relationship that I had for and with that person. And if the scar is deep, so was the love. So be it. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are a testament that I can love deeply and live deeply and be cut, or even gouged, and that I can heal and continue to live and continue to love. And the scar tissue is stronger than the original flesh ever was. Scars are a testament to life. Scars are only ugly to people who can’t see.
      As for grief, you’ll find it comes in waves. When the ship is first wrecked, you’re drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it’s some physical thing. Maybe it’s a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it’s a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.
      In the beginning, the waves are 100 feet tall and crash over you without mercy. They come 10 seconds apart and don’t even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you’ll find the waves are still 100 feet tall, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what’s going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a street intersection, the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything…and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.
      Somewhere down the line, and it’s different for everybody, you find that the waves are only 80 feet tall. Or 50 feet tall. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas, or landing at O’Hare. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you’ll come out.
      Take it from an old guy. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don’t really want them to. But you learn that you’ll survive them. And other waves will come. And you’ll survive them too. If you’re lucky, you’ll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks. “

      • Yesenia  June 15, 2019 at 8:43 pm

        That was really beautiful. Might I ask who G Snow is? Writer, poet?

    • Karin  May 25, 2019 at 2:02 pm Reply

      I am so sorry for your loss. My son left this world on 15 May. just 10 days ago. this is the most profound thing i have ever faced in my life. He was only 36. I am still in such a hazy place. I have asked why? Why my son? He was at a place in his life where he had finally reached his very best spot. he had a wonderful job making good money, was taking care of his family. His fiance was completing her education, he was raising her 2 young sons as if they were his own and had plans to formally adopt them when they got married. He was helping to support his own sons from a previous relationship. He had moved me into his home because i could no longer live alone because of my health and financial situation. So, yeah, i asked why him? Why not me? someone who is basically done the best i had been able to do and had little left to offer? He had melanoma. Deadly skin cancer that none of knew he had until it was far too late to stop it. Why my Son? There were so many people at his Celebration the other night. They all had wonderful things to say. He had touched and helped so many people in his life. It’s so bewildering to me.. My heart goes out to you Monica. I am so sorry for your loss.

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  110. Ramona Gordy  November 16, 2018 at 9:34 am Reply

    My husband died almost 2 years ago. Nobody really tells you about death or grief, there is no “Death for Dummies” or “How to plan a Funeral, deal with finances, or relatives who disown you and friends who don’t speak until two years later” For Dummies>
    No one tells you that sometimes the joint Mastercard you both paid for is suddenly closed because the other is dead.
    What do we call ourselves now? I think “widow” or “widower” is a really archaic word and has no basis, but it seems to be an appointment of sorts. (Why do men who are widowed seem to marry sooner and create a new family, while it seems the female version is not, and she is like that widow of Zarephath?) Most of the time no one will introduce you to their single friends or fix you up. It only happens on TV
    Its uncomfortable for others for you to sit in the Family pews at Church , so now I sit in the back with the rest of the freaks lol
    Why is shame somehow attached to grief and loss. Having the million dollar insurance policy is a MYTH.
    Be careful of Dating scams
    Your pets sometimes reject you. and then you have to find a rescue home for them.
    Sometimes we really are haunted by our lost loved ones
    “your people” really do forget about you, and well meaning “friends” think that if they speak negative about your lost loved one, it will help you move on and see their flaws and realize that you are better off without them . Seriously?
    Sometimes your finances are a wreck, even if you were organized and on time before.
    Sometimes your Boss has no tolerance for your altered state, and sometimes your mind will not go into gear like before. So you struggle at work too.
    Sometimes and most of the day, you will be held hostage inside your head. Sometimes when people are talking to you, you don’t hear them but their lips are moving
    You forget large chunks of personal history and have to relearn everything. No its not dementia
    Sometimes we need to just be with ourselves as opposed to being by ourselves, there is a difference.
    We really can create a better identity for ourselves, but we have to really work on it
    Sometimes we are needy and we shouldn’t be embarrassed by it

    • Susan  December 17, 2018 at 4:38 am Reply

      “Your pets sometimes reject you. and then you have to find a rescue home for them.”
      I hope you didn’t do that. Animals mourn too. Each person(and animal) copes in their own way and everyone needs to time to readjust.
      How would you feel if you just lost your “daddy” and then someone put you in foster care?
      Now, all I can think about is that poor, confused animal in an unfamiliar place probably not even treating nicely because they’re not able to feel normal. Get the pet back if you can.
      Why would you want to get rid of someone who loved the same person as you?

      • Dog Mom  December 24, 2019 at 10:16 pm

        This is someone so deep in grief that she doesn’t understand that pets also grieve deeply. Some folks aren’t enlightened enough to know that animals have feelings and grieve the loss of their family members. Animals view their caretakers as family. Sometimes when an owner of a pet dies, those left behind look for any excuse to get rid of the pet. I’ve seen this firsthand on numerous occasions. Take comfort that the pet is no longer with a person who does not want him. To be unwanted in a home (which can result in mistreatment–again, I’m in rescue so I’ve seen it) is worse. It is hard for us animal lovers to understand, but it seems like it is best for the pet to be out of the house.

    • amy  March 27, 2019 at 12:31 pm Reply

      This is so so true–relatives not speaking–I cant figure it out–your words help–Im not alone–thank you-

  111. David Millson  November 12, 2018 at 10:20 am Reply

    The dying part is hard enough. To think that the collection of atoms that came together to create the you, that is you, is impressive in itself.
    Then, assigned such atoms actually obtain the ability to be aware of their own existence? Even though I am circling the proverbial drain I am still in awe.

    It is not the dying part that bothers me , it is the permanent part of the
    equation that throws me for the loop. The worst is the look of anguish
    in the face of my mother. My father and siblings have accepted the fact
    I shall not plan for my next birthday. Why can she not do the same?

    • Wendy  November 12, 2018 at 11:26 am Reply

      Because she is your mother. A mother should never have to bury her child…

      1
      • David Millson  November 16, 2018 at 12:12 am

        Wendy, she thinks I have no right to do such a thing to her. She is so
        distraught She is also correct. From your response, I sure hope you did not have to bury a child!!! The 10 mg of morphine helps so much. I do not like the other pain relievers as they tend to wipe me out.

      • Susan Eglin  November 20, 2018 at 1:15 am

        I am sad for you and your family. Mom is devastated and one big reason is that there is nothing she can do to protect you. Your Dad must be covering it well, but I am sure it is killing him inside. There is nothing good parents would not do to keep you with them, make the pain stop, talk with you openly without being afraid to completely melt down. If you can, comfort those around you individually. We are so small in the universe, and what we are made of is even smaller still. But, at the very end, which we still have not found in an atom, or at the end of the universe is some sort of electrical energy, a spark. In us, the spark makes it possible for us to grow and become. In us humans, it is the beginning of a being that is self aware. That awareness allows us to learn, about, ourselves, and others, our similarities but also how unique each of is. There is your body, and then there is your spirit. They are intertwined right now. You r family will miss your spirit. Who you really are. Call a member of a family in and let them cry with you. Especially your Dad. He needs it. You are his son. There is no bigger loss. Biggest fear of death, other than pain and the unknown, not being remembered . Help them remember you when the spark goes out and God steps in.

      • Sue  November 20, 2018 at 1:23 am

        I want to also add that after you move on, she may feel that her arms are empty. My son and his wife buried their newborn baby this past June. We knew she was going to die when she was born as she had no lungs. She lived for about an hour. Their arms feel empty, They are incomplete until they all will be together again. I believe that you will still be you beyond the veil and that the veil is very thin.
        Cross with nothing left unsaid. That is your greatest gift to them.

      • DAVID  November 26, 2018 at 7:26 am

        Susan, Wendy, thanks. My brother, the computer guy, is setting up the auto-good bye message for me. Take Care and
        Go Red Sox! My Grandfather thought they would never win! 2004 and 2013 so shocked him. If there is an afterlife, to see my beloved grandfather again would be so great! Still, is there anyone there who can tell me how to stop my mother from crying? I realize that I am
        now making this about me. She, and my father, are the ones that have to deal with the aftermath. Yet, I can not stand it anymore!

      • Richard  March 11, 2019 at 4:16 am

        Hello, Richard here. David’s brother. David died last night. He was in so much pain the last few days. For some bizarre reason he loved this site. I do not get it. Yet, he told me to tell Wendy and Susan thanks and goodbye. My baby brother is dead. My mother is a basket case and my father is flying home. I am trying to be strong for mother and my sisters. Yet.;….yet. Well, you Know.
        =

      • Karin  May 25, 2019 at 4:52 pm

        Richard… you cannot be strong for anyone else. you have to grieve your own loss. i hope you understand this. I just lost my son on 15 May. My daughter is devasted for the loss of her brother. I would never want anyone to tell her that she must be strong for me. When i was in my mid 20’s my brother died. I was told i had to be strong for my Mom because she had just lost her son. I couldnt do it. I felt guilty and felt i had failed her for so many years because i wasnt strong enough to help her. I had lost my brother and had to grieve my own loss. The people telling me that didnt understand this. and it hurt me a lot.. Please dont do that to your self.. We all grieve in our own way. Please dont feel you have to be strong enough to carry anyone elses burden.. Its not fair. Its not right.. I am sorry for your loss Richard

  112. Azarine Alderson  November 9, 2018 at 6:13 pm Reply

    My first born son Charles was killed on Mother’s day May 9, 2004 he was 18 and was very excited about being 18, he never made it to his 19 birthday which is coming up November 16, next Friday, even though I’m been trying to keep busy, l started posting a picture of him each day since October to lead up to next friday, to honor his memory, my body is really feeling it, aches and pain throughout my shoulders numbness down my arms, l really do think that l need to cry this out because the stress is getting to me, it’s been 14 years now and birthdays are yet hard for me because he loved his birthdays,

  113. MaybeMaybeNot  November 9, 2018 at 1:24 pm Reply

    And if you weren’t all that close to the family member who died because it was a dysfunctional relationship, you will feel guilty for not grieving or for not “grieving right.” I lost my father a few moths ago. He was elderly and his health was failing. He died in his own home on his own terms. But he’d been talking about his death for years. And he’d left our family many years before. I think I’d already grieved him then. I didn’t know what to do with everyone assuming I was so sad. I really wasn’t. And that only made me feel guilty. But that doesn’t mean I don’t miss him or that I didn’t grieve in my own way.

  114. Melissa  November 8, 2018 at 12:05 pm Reply

    That you would never thought that families would break apart. Other children make you feel like your nothing and splits the whole family by taking sides. Your children’s friend doesn’t want to be part of you or hear from you anymore since your child was killed. Heard on your relationship/ spouse. Fighting all the time. Blaming your spouse cause of your child’s death.

  115. Brenda  October 31, 2018 at 6:27 pm Reply

    I lost my mom and 15 year old dog within a month of each other this year. And it is the hardest thing to go through grieving both losses and I am a dog lover she was special and always with me, and my mother’s loss is just so over-whelming, I find myself lost and going through so many emotions and nobody to talk too, the friends I thought would be there have distanced themselves and barely check-up on me, and my husband talks to me at the beginning but I also feel a distance from him, its like I feel he forgets what I am going through, I feel alone, and some days are better then others but it is so darn hard, my kids don’t even ask how I am, its like everyone wants to ignore it all, this is the reason I feel so alone, its such a hard journey daily and emotionally all over the map, I feel angry at the people who are my family who have more or less just moved on! I don’t know what normal is, but I do know I am grieving all by myself, I was there for everyone else when they went through their losses, but everyone are busy with their own lives I guess. It is so hard and one thing I have learned so far it doesn’t get better, you just get used to it! It’s been 9 months and I have no interest in anything, I did meet one friend in my building who does get me going, she will invite me out for coffee and get me out, she has really ben a blessing, when she goes out she will always ask me if I need anything at the store, and if I say no she will bring me things anyway, someone who was a stranger who truly cares and knew what I was going through is there for me and still is, we have a great friendship and never expects anything in return, so she has been a blessing and has been there for me, more so then my own family or my old friends, and by that I mean they no longer stay in touch with me, so you really get to know who is really there for you. I am happy to have found this site and have read other people’s experience’s, it has really helped me, I don’t know when I will get back into the groove of life, but going through a loss and grieving is the hardest thing I have been through! Bless you all

    • Nkw  November 2, 2018 at 6:52 am Reply

      I understand completely. All of these people promised to be there for me and to help me. It’s been a year tomorrow and they have been to my house once. I lost my mom to ovarian/brain cancer. She was my best friend and my eveverything. I have three girls and I gave birth to my third girl less then 12 hours after her funeral. I never thought I could make it a day without her and yet here I am. I love for my girls and for the life she can’t have.
      My advice to you is screw your family. Everyone deals in a different way and that’s ok. They will NEVER feel what you feel. They will never understand what your going through. Live in honor of your mom. Choose to forgive them and move on from the hate and anger. I learned that when my dad passed 6 years ago. I had so much anger and hurt. People suck sometimes and no on has been there for me they way I was there for them. Guess what their loss! We have everything we need to deal with the death of our moms. Just reach down inside you and make a promise to be everything you can be to make her proud and yourself proud. Smile and rejoice and give honor to her. She would love that. Carry her sparkle in your heart and live because she can’t.

    • Anne  January 11, 2019 at 9:36 pm Reply

      I have been reading through the posts, but your’s caught my attention. I recently lost both of my dogs within one month of each other, my two best friends in the whole world. I have always worked from home, so they were an integral part of every moment of my day. I also moved to an area where I have absolutely no friends or social network and now live completely alone, with no outside contact .

      What caught me about your message was how you say your family is behaving around you. If I had to take a guess, they are probably acting like you are invisible, tiptoeing around you, and/or ignoring you? The reason they are probably doing that is because they care too much, and they don’t know how to discuss things with you because they know you are hurting. Try opening up to them and letting them know how you feel. It might give them a chance to tell you how they feel. My family always tells me that I never appear to be bothered and am so strong. The truth is that I cry my tears alone and try to function normally around them in order not to share my sorrow. I sometimes think it is best to show people that you are human because they sometimes need to mourn as well. I think it’s great that your neighbor was kind and intuitive enough to see how sad you are and reach out a helping hand. It is often easier for a stranger to show kindness than family because they don’t feel the extent of your pain. As a kid, my parents tried to shield me from sadness and loss. I think that is a disservice because you are taught to deal with loss on your own. You have gained a wonderful new friend, and I really hope your family comes around so that you do not feel so alone in a house full of people.

      I’m glad I found this site today when Googling “when does grief turn into mourning.” I lost my 15 year old boy November 12th and my 13 year old girl December 12th. When going through my file cabinet today, I found a bit of dog hair, which started a flood of tears. Reading the posts on this site made me bawl more but also feel better that I’m not alone. I know they were “just dogs,” as some people say when they don’t understand the pain you can have, but I wake up every day and feel the intense loss. My dogs had such distinct personalities, one with a sense of humor and orneriness and the other one so sweet and mellow. My heart goes out to everyone on this site. Thank you for sharing your stories.

  116. Sue  October 28, 2018 at 10:27 pm Reply

    What I’m finding out is my (very recently deceased) husband of 30 years took my whole world with him when he died.
    I’m pleased I loved him and he loved me however I need to give to him and receive more love….only he’s not coming home!
    For me; loss of my spouse is more painful than any other loss of a relative or pet that I have had to endure.

    • Deborah Glenn  December 16, 2018 at 4:45 pm Reply

      I understand too. The pain is so deep. I just lost my best friend and husband of 48 years. Some days I feel I’ll never get better. Up and down . Today swimming in tears.so lonely.

    • Debbie Horn  February 12, 2019 at 3:24 pm Reply

      I”m glad to have found this page , I”m not ready to contribute yet .

  117. Janet McKnight  October 26, 2018 at 2:13 pm Reply

    I feel so utterly alone and unsure of what to do. I appreciate the portion where you mention that “you go crazy and do things you wouldn’t normally do”…. I sold the house my husband had built and moved 13 hours away thinking I would get away from all the memories of his tragic (hit by a car) death…but nope…now I am living in a part of the country that I don’t like and my kids have lost their ties to family and friends…. I am trying to somehow get back into feeling normal, but maybe I never will.
    I have no appetite for travelling, visiting, nothing….
    Thank you all for sharing…. how is it when this is so widely shared that we keep it a dark secret. Death sucks the life out of the survivors.

    • Mary Wilson  October 29, 2018 at 9:40 pm Reply

      Dear Janet. Life is difficult but keep breathing and smiling. I once was in your situation, almost moved to another province, but it didnt work out (Thank God) Now I realize, nothing else matters, live life for the minute. Maybe you made a mistake by moving, but it is only a mistake. Everyone makes mistakes every day… I guess what I’m saying is …don’t sweat the little things. You will get through this but it takes time…yes lots of time…there is no rush. Keep breathing…(Yoga helps) but believe me with each passing day…life gets better. Good luck Janet. I know you can do it.

  118. Veronica Kilvert  October 25, 2018 at 1:23 pm Reply

    My 31 year old daughter died on 7/3/18 from a multitude of anxiety meds mixed with methadone. We’ll never know if it was suicide or just partied too hard. The self-punishment is just too much to bear at times. I tell myself I’m a horrible person for leaving her, I was selfish. When she lived with me, she was abusive, she kicked me, threatened to burn down my house, kill my dog, broke windows and sold my electronics. And I left. Life has no undo button but I keep thinking what could have been different, had I stayed. How do I get through every day? keep working? focus? I feel just trashed, no good for anything. Honestly, just don’t know how I’ll ever be any good for anything, ever. Nobody seems to “get it”. I’m expected to keep functioning as I had been, which I find so laughable.

    • Pam  November 5, 2018 at 2:50 pm Reply

      I know how you feel! My Son died of and OD that then as soon as he was taken off life support and hooked up to morphine like your putting down an animal after they gave me his Mom that decision to make! No Mom should ever have to make that decision to go ahead and finish off Your Baby, My only One ! They told me he couldn’t be picked up by Funeral Home but to the Morgue because it was a Murder Investigation and he was 34! He had been in jail and had only been out less than 27 hours but He had had a problem with Pain Pills and other things before but it was on and off until the Pain Pills that he started that was prescribed by a Doctor for his surgery on his shoulder but I know that rage when they are high and how painful it is! Trying everything from tuff love to short rehabs trips which was so hard to find a good rehab facility either don’t take the Insurance he had or no beds but it was almost impossible! Never sleeping when they are out and gone fearing to get that phone call and when they come back wanting money and trying to make you give it to them but You know that is not Your Child, You don’t even know ! Any pain and anguished that you know from that completely is gone when you are holding your dying Child and so Much Pain Your Heart is about to explode out of your chest and you start the nightmare that never goes away! I don’t even know how I have made it this far but just minute by minute day by day ! I miss him so much more and more everyday and I am a little better because I block everyone out not wanting to talk or see anyone and practicly just moved from the bed to the couch for almost 3 year’s only going out if I had to! Seemed like every time I was trying to do better someone or something brought me right back to almost where was! If I could have taken my life I know I would have because I felt like I died that day with my Beautiful Smart Funny Caring Loved his Mom to and was my biggest protector! I didn’t find this page for almost 3 years and I wish I had because I was so alone even though I have a big family, My husband who just left in May so it felt like I have been grieving him too! The main person that I had to get up for was my Son’s only Child My Grandson who only 10 when his Daddy died and he kept calling is my Dad home yet since his Dad was in Jail over a past driving offense in Pennsylvania and 9 hour away from home! I couldn’t hardly live for him but anytime needed me I drug myself out for him with my Son’s voice always saying take care of my little boy Mom! they both loved each other so much and I Loved both of them with every thing in my body and they Love Me! It’s even harder at times to watch my Grandson wanting his Dad especially when he is is some turmoil or having a problem that he just needs his Daddy! My Heart what’s left of it breaks even more as another Mother is going to feel this and they are dying at such unbelievable speed almost every single day! Unfortunately I know this Horrific Painful Nightmare that they are having to feel for this terrible journey for the rest of your life and I’m just so very sorry

  119. Mauricio Kafati-batarse  October 19, 2018 at 2:02 pm Reply

    Add this one to the list.
    All those people who said: Call me if there is anything you need. I mean anything. I want to help.

    Some mean it. But most do not.
    The ones who mean it will help you.
    But you will need more help 1 or 2 or 3 or 4 months after, and while they probably would have said yes, out of kindness or embarrassment of saying no, you won’t ask them. You will think that they probably are saying yes, just out of embarrassment.
    ———-

    And add this really important one.

    You will feel paralyzed when it comes to the long list of things you need to do, death related or not, you will feel like you can’t get anything done. So things to do pile on. You feel helpless and paralized.

    Add this one to the list.
    You will feel worse in the night when it all gets quiet. You may have trouble falling asleep and also getting out of bed.

    Add this one to the list

    Your grief will physically hurt.
    Your stomach will hurt. Your chest will hurt. The lump in your throat will hurt. And your head may feel like your brain is swollen.

  120. Bill H.  October 17, 2018 at 12:29 pm Reply

    Don’t be so quick to get rid of everything the deceased owned to get back to normal. Pack it up, store it and when you are ready, let some of it go and keep a few representative things of their life. I kept a crystal bowl my mom took to parties filled with her popular fruit ambrosia. She was a good cook. I can’t bear to part with her favorite purse, her glasses and wallet. Gave away stuff that was not my taste and obviously will never wear. I kept one really nice, tasteful blanket. Giving away her clothes was as if she died again.

    Don’t ignore grief or try to push it away. It will come back to bite you. It has a life of its own and you have to respect it. You must allow yourself to pass through it from time to time. You’re not crazy if you do. You’ll go crazy if you don’t.

    • Ramona Gordy  November 16, 2018 at 10:25 am Reply

      I struggled with my husbands stuff and I still do. He was just a person who enjoyed doing stuff so he collected the stuff he enjoyed. So my basement was filled with boxes of our life together. I did get rid of the things I nagged him about, but everything else lived in boxes. So I have recently started to open some boxes (most of my stuff) and pack some things to Good will. My husband wasn’t a clothes horse so no clothing for memory, he was a Gear head , but tools overwhelm me, he was a hunter, but I had to sell all the guns, he was all of that.
      So I decided to find the rare pictures that have me and him having fun at the same time and make a little memory board that I can look at every now and them. I am sorry for your loss, I am not sure when it will get better, but I hope we can all maintain.

  121. Prutzman colondrillo  October 17, 2018 at 8:59 am Reply

    10/2016 my side of the family lost a horse they had for many years that would have died if my brother and his wife and son didn’t take him. He was malnutrition bad and they turned the horse into a grand champion over the years they had him. Then 6-2017 THEY lost their mother from a long battle of cancer. It hit my brother his wife and their son very hard. Then 10-2017 our family was struck again with our nephew . He was in a horrific car accident 10-12-2017 after 10pm. My brother and his wife didn’t have time to grieve for their mother and then had to rush to their sons side after getting the phone call every parent never wants to get. Their son. My nephew. Was only 25. 5 days later he passed away. 10-17-2017 their son and my nephew passed away 6:25pm. In his honor he chose to be an organ donor so others could live on if he could not. He has saved many lives since he’s passed but it still doesn’t change our family grieving. After trying to put some pieces back together in our family . My brother and his wife AGAIN were hit almost 4 months later that their brother passed away unexpectedly. 3 people passed away that were very close all within 8 months of each other. Our family didn’t know what to do. Or say to make things any better. We were going numb. We all thought. It happens in 3’s so NO MORE grief can come to our family. We were wrong again. 3 months later . Our family once again learned that our family had more devastating news that we never wanted to hear. My brother and his wife of over 21 years. Who just lost their horse who was like a child to them. Who just lost Their mother who was one of the greatest people you could ever meet. Who just lost their only son together at just 25 years old. Who just lost their brother very unexpectedly. To finding out my brothers wife was diagnosed with rare myeloma and their is no cure. Although she could have many years to live with managed treatments. We don’t know the outcome of their lives. Today marks 1 year of their son and my nephew passing away. And no matter what we grieve everyday . Some days are very hard and others are harder. What we do know is that through all of the loss our family had within a year. The one we grieve most is their son who was only 25 and my nephew. Nobody has figured out how to move on. Our only hope right now is that their son and our nephew will watch over his mom and Dad and give us a miracle and keep his mom around for the next 50 years ATLEAST so my brother will be able to keep the love of his life around him since everyone else has been taken so suddenly..

  122. Robyn C.  October 15, 2018 at 11:38 pm Reply

    I lost my husband, the love of my life, 137 days ago. He had a multitude of health problems and was sick for a long time. He was in hospice 18 months. We were married 30 years. Obviously I knew when his time was getting short, and I thought I was prepared for his death as I was tired of seeing him suffer. Wrong! I miss him so much and grieve constantly. I miss his voice.

    • Melody  November 30, 2018 at 12:58 am Reply

      I read your letter and can I ever relate. I too lost my husband of 47 years just 8 months ago. We too went through a very long illness (cancer). He was sick for 18 months as well. I too was so sad and tired of watching him suffer. I too thought I was ready to release him to God so he would be free of all he was going through. So hard to watch. But no, I wasn’t ready to let even my sick husband go. I would have cared for him the rest of my life just to have him here. When your life partner dies and you are left behind, you are missing your other half. You become lost and so alone. I’m suffering from anxiety. They call it separation anxiety. There are so many things to go through emotionally. Such a long hard journey. You wonder if this will ever end.
      I’m so sorry for your loss. I feel for all your going through. It is the hardest thing we’ll ever be called to do.

  123. elsie  October 11, 2018 at 8:56 am Reply

    Time DOESN’T heal ..it DOESN’T get better with time..lost my nephew 5 months ago..and i can tell u the pain is worse now than days later,maybe its because going through everyday without him,the realization when i do things we used to do together that he is no more..the pain is excruciating..people say its painful but you don’t realize just how painful until you are going through it yourself..time is a reminder that they are not here today…..grieving is not the same,i lost my dad but the pain i felt losing my nephew was nowhere close,its like my heart was being ripped apart..am writing this with tears in my eyes,all i can say is let someone grieve their own way,i get mad when i see my family happy because i feel like we shouldn’t be happy yet its like am betraying him,but then i remember i loved him more than anything so it will be harder for me..i think of the future he was supposed to be my Paige boy and now ad rather carry the rings myself than let any other take that place..loss is something you experience your own way it cant be compared with another s,we mourn differently..but when you get to that place you feel you cant take it anymore GET Help

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  124. Karlie  October 11, 2018 at 2:31 am Reply

    There is nothing worse than child loss and it happened to me 2x. I can’t grieve for anyone else because one of them was 21 and the other one was an infant. I am been through tremendous loss in my life, but nothing compares to losing a child. I guess I am cold now to any other person because my children were taken. When an old person dies, there should be no grief, period. Yes, I have been through that so I know what I am talking about. I now how to pull myself away from ANYONE who thinks they can compare their loss to mine.

    • Diane Stanley  November 11, 2018 at 5:43 pm Reply

      Karelie,

      I was so sorry to read your post. I don’t know how people could tell you anything. We lost my brother when he was 37 years ago. He had a chronic illness and my mother tried 24/7 for several years to find a cure for him. She did nothing else. She ended up getting Alzheimer’s at 67. I took care of her until the last five years and she passed at 87. The pain of losing one child was unbearable for her, I can’t imagine you having lost two children. It was not fair. I am so sorry and wish there was something that I could do to ease your pain. That pain never went away for my mom or the rest of my family. Prayers are with you regarding you and your children.

    • Debbie  December 10, 2018 at 2:53 am Reply

      I’m not sure why you say there should be ‘no grief for an old person’. Is it because they had a long life compared to a child or young person that dies? ‘Old People’ are loved too. They’ve been fathers, mothers, grandparents, etc. We miss our parents, we loved them. It’s never appropriate to say something like that. You’re telling us WE have no right to grieve. That’s wrong, that’s why we’re all here.

    • charlotte  January 11, 2019 at 8:02 pm Reply

      hi.Karlie,you are so right.absolutely nothing compares to child loss+i will walk
      away also if some1 compares their loss of elderly parent or their pet! to murder of my 20 year
      old girl,found dead in a ditch. even a terminal illness at any age you can prepare for, (but
      not for your child) please do not any1 mention religion,i dont like it.it wont help.karlie
      i understand but others dont ,when i want to talk about my child i see that lack of awareness.
      noone understands unless theyv been through it i know you understand.take care.

  125. Malissa  October 10, 2018 at 9:49 am Reply

    My mom died in May.
    She wasnt ill, she was still grieving my dad’s death. He passed 22nd Jan 2016.
    My family was very close up until mom died.
    Thursday (24 May 2018) I was off work because I was writing exams. I wanted to visit mom because she lived 20 mins away but I told myself that preparing for my exams was more important. I called her and she told me she was eating then dropped the call on me.

    My sister who lived with my mom sent me a message at 6pm that evening saying my mom had a stroke. I rushed to the hospital to be with her. During the CT scan they made me pin her down even though she was in so much pain. The monday the doctor told us my mom was fine and that she would be discharged. We looked at her… she couldn’t talk, couldn’t open her eyes, couldn’t anything… HE LIED TO US… HE GAVE US FALSE HOPE!

    My mom wasn’t ill. There was nothing wrong with her. We took her for all her check ups prior to the stroke.

    A week later Thursday, 31st May 2018 my mom died. They said she was coming home. They said she was fine.

    I’m so angry. I dont know at who or why but i need to hit something or someone… GAWD IM SO ANGRY!!!!!
    My mom was not ill so why

  126. Jamie  October 9, 2018 at 4:34 pm Reply

    I lost my mom and dad within 10 months of each other only last year and feel so alone ,

    • Karen  October 27, 2018 at 8:17 pm Reply

      I lost my father and mother within 10 months of each other 2017-2018 also. It was a horrible experience and continues to be a horrible feeling. I try to make it everyday and am making some progress but it hurts so bad. no matter what age you are, it hurts. I was 57 yrs old and still cry like a baby. Try to make time to go through the grieving process of shock, disbelief, anger etc. and the unbelievable crying episodes and then sleep. People say it gets better with time, but I’m still waiting. Miss them so much !!!!

    • Debbie  December 10, 2018 at 2:58 am Reply

      I lost both of my parents within 14 months. My mother died April 30, 2017 and my Daddy died July 1, 2018. They both had Alzheimer’s but other died of pneumonia and Daddy died of Alzheimer’s. I too feel very alone and can’t figure out what to do now. I feel lost.

  127. Natalie  October 8, 2018 at 12:36 am Reply

    Thank you so much for this post. Losing my dad December 1, 2011, I never knew how hard my heart would continue to break. I miss what our future was to hold, sharing memories with my boys. Nothing can prepare you for the loneliness of grief. And until you’ve been there, you don’t have a clue. I avoid most get togethers and holidays due to sadness. I hate those that have parents even thought I still have and cherish my mom. The emptiness never goes away.

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  129. Gary B  October 1, 2018 at 11:39 pm Reply

    I think these are all awesome and spot on. I lost my wonderful soulmate -best friend-lover of 37 years marriage (and 44 years of love from first sight) this August 9th. She had stage 4 lung cancer that spread t her brain. We got the diagnosis only 2 days before our daughters wedding that she had to miss due to surgery to relieve the swelling/pressure in her brain by putting in a shunt. We were downstate NY for it and we had to wait another week to leave and come home upstate to Buffalo where we had just moved into our retirement home, So yes we only got 2 months of retirement starting March. We bought our dream home- to have 20 or so Golden years- our time for the good life. But the grief is never ending- the regrets- anger- denial all the stages hit at various moments-days-times- I can no longer enjoy the home that is now just a house or even better a tomb for me. I too feel as if family has already moved on and forgot. I could be wrong but I dont know- I am so alone but nobody calls. My daughter tries and gets me to go with my grandchildren to events but its not the same- I just feel bad because my wife is missing these times she came up here to have- she lived for the time to be with the grandkids and she was robbed of it all in only 2 months after diagnosis she was gone! I came here to retire and live the good life and all I did was come up to bury her along with all our hopes and dreams. I have now lost my past-present and future! So how the hell am I supposed to “move on”? I am 64 she was only 62 and now its all gone! I just want to NOT wake up one morning- but for some reason God wont do me the favor I ask! Why not- you already took my life-now take it all-please. When I see morning sunlight it just awakens the pain all over again. But again all your points here hit the spot!

    • Mary Wilson  October 29, 2018 at 9:58 pm Reply

      Dear Gary. I hear the hope in your words. I once was in your shoes. It takes a long time to work thru the healing process but it is worth it. Just keep going thru the motions, try to make the best of the day, see the beauty in being alive somehow. I know it sounds weird but it is the only way thru this. I felt like I was walking 2 feet off the ground for the first 2 years and then I came back to earth…I didnt know it at the time but I do now…and now even though I still grieve my loss I am in control of my grief. I know what I am dealing with. Please try to keep going for your dear loved one. She only wants you to go foreward and enjoy all that life has to give. She is watching from above. Make her proud. All the Best, Gary!

    • Alice  October 30, 2018 at 2:22 am Reply

      Many of us seem to be in the same boat.
      What A Thing.
      Who ever thought it would come to this.
      Blessings To All Of You Through My Tears

  130. n.s_freddy  October 1, 2018 at 8:57 pm Reply

    its been 9 months since i lost my mom… i still feel it… some of those facts actually relate well to me…it wasn’t supposed to happen…

  131. Becca  September 29, 2018 at 10:49 pm Reply

    I yelled at some family members during the days after my husband died. He lingered for twelve agonizing days in ICU before passing away on the operating table. Because I yelled at these family members and “hurt their feelings” they completely abandoned me. They all stayed at my brother’s house, consoling one another and enjoying each other’s company. I was left behind at my mother’s house, completely alone, to cry and grieve by myself, no support, no consolation from anyone (even my mother was not there – but that’s another story, not her fault). Not even a phone call to see how I was doing. I guess their “hurt feelings” were somehow more important than the DEATH of my husband. They are still waiting for me to “apologize”. I guess they will probably wait until hell freezes over! I learned some important things from this situation, however – family cannot always be counted on to be there for you in your darkest hour! And some family members are pitifully weak, selfish and ignorant when it comes to death and grieving! It was also surprising to me that complete strangers offered more comfort and came through in many fantastic and important ways that my family NEVER EVEN THOUGHT OF. These family members still have yet to write or call to even ask how I’m doing. I don’t wish it upon them, but their day is coming when either they or their spouse will die. They have no children, so I wonder, who will be there for them? I had two wonderful sons who made my grief much more bearable – but who will be there for these (so-called) family members of mine? Me?

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  132. Steph  September 29, 2018 at 5:02 pm Reply

    I feel like much of this list doesn’t apply to me. I lost my mother three weeks ago to lung cancer she was 77. I honestly feel I did most of my grieving whilst she was going downhill over the summer. Since she has gone I am getting on with my life and I get sad sometimes but I’m honestly ok. And when I’ve read this list I feel bad cos I’m not more messed up. She was a tough cookie and passed it on to me and also I’m Catholic so believe I will see her again . Love to you all

  133. Michael  September 27, 2018 at 2:20 pm Reply

    My father passed 10 years ago, and looking back as I get older I realize just how difficult it was to process. I had a complicated relationship with dad, and when he passed suddenly it deeply affected me. In the months following his passing, I wrote a song expressing the very feelings I had and complex grief I was enduring. I decided not too long ago to actually go in studio and get it professionally recorded. I’m not a musician professionally by any means, but I did this in honor of him and those who may feel the same. If you’re dealing with conflicted emotions, I sincerely hope my song helps https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r7x0Be9eF6g.

    • Anne  January 17, 2019 at 12:46 am Reply

      Great lyrics! I am surprised I have not yet heard the song on the radio.

  134. Roberta  September 26, 2018 at 10:12 pm Reply

    My mother and father have both passed in the last three and a half years. I wished I had said some things to them but I didn’t know they would die so soon. My mother suffered with kidney,heart, and pain everywhere for 10 years . She became unconscious, on a ventilator and life support. They say the hearing is the last to go. I told her I would be alright because it was time for her to go to heaven and she had been sick long enough and that I lovedher and what a great human being she had been. I did not have to have them pull the plug.she died immediately. I think she was trying to hang on forme. After they pulled the ventilator she had a slight smile on her face. I cried and rejoiced because she is in heaven . How do I know this.? When I was born my mother’s after birth would not come. They had to take it and she hemoridged. My dad was in the waiting room not knowing any thing was wrong. He was not mental. He saw a vision on the wall of my mother in a white gown walking up a dirt road. He saw the pearly gates and Saint Petey. He started praying Please don`t take her. Me and our 4 kids need her. The doctor came out soon after and told my dad they pulled me out with forecepts and all her veins collapsed. They gave up. Another Dr came down the hall and said the biggest vein is in her foot and saved her. When my dad went in my mother said you won’t believe this I went to heaven.With my dad he had cancer. He got his final wave of energy and thought he was being healed. I didn,t have the heart to tell him this is part of dieting so I never got to say goodbye. Those of you that say you’ll never talk to them I look forward to telling him how great he was. Although I told my mother to tell him when she was dying.

  135. Roy  September 22, 2018 at 8:04 am Reply

    I’m 38 years old and 6 weeks ago my mum died while abroad. She was finalising the estate of her mum who died last November – she died the day she was due to fly home. She wasn’t ill and the reason for her passing is unknown- owing to cultural considerations where she died there was no autopsy. I’m kind of thankful for that but months other hand I don’t know why. Her burial was incredibly rapid – she died in the Monday and I was at her funeral on the Thursday.

    There is no rule book for grief and mourning- but a lot of the stuff on this list is right. So many people gave me advice – alot of it was because they wanted to help. I wasn’t backwards about going forwards and saying “just be normal with me – I need that stability. Don’t make exceptions for me or dance round issues, i can still take a bit of banter” With a bit if a steer it’s been alright. So many have said “you need to be strong now”. No you don’t. It’s alright to touch the grief and dissolve into a mess. I’ve just had to find the right time and a place to do it . I’m a very private person. Equally folk have said “you need to let it all out” Again – no you don’t. It’s up to you as we’re all very different people.

  136. Leslie Lynch  September 19, 2018 at 11:55 pm Reply

    I wish someone had told me that people would rather avoid you than comfort you, and that most of your tears are shed alone. I’ve never sobbed so hard or so long or so much!

    • Mark Puglia  November 13, 2018 at 1:58 pm Reply

      Me too Leslie. But you need to be strong for one’s self. My GF died 8 weeks ago and it is by far the worst period of my life.
      Everything, everyplace reminds me of her. It’s crippling.
      Friends mean well,but they can’t be relied on

  137. waltercyberwizard.com  September 11, 2018 at 4:17 am Reply

    In marriage or relationship, I don’t think there should be any kind of secret or privacy. I don’t think is nice to be keeping your phone to yourself and it been locked with a password that is not known by your wife or husband. After 5 years of marriage I discovered that the man I love so much started acting funny and suddenly changed his password that he has been using over the years now and always keeping his phone to himself. He is always on calls and getting his phone off him is like trying to take a bone from a hungry dog. he started asking funny questions like “Why do you need to see my phone, don’t you trust me” ? I told my best friend about it and she told me about a particular hacker . i contacted him through his username . I was so amazed with his work & within 5 hours my job was ready for monitoring and I was really surprised because I never thought is possible to monitor someone’s phone without having access to the device.

  138. Misty  September 10, 2018 at 10:39 am Reply

    This has been wonderful to read. I lost my rock, strength, my everything my husband on August 4, 2018. I just don’t know how to keep functioning. We have two wonderful boys. I try and not see me cry all the time. But they have been my rocks through a lot. Grief really changes you. I don’t know how we are suppose to going. He was 49 and it was sudden and out of the blue. I have to keep reliving that day, because I keep thinking he is going to show up. It is a living nightmare everyday. Reading this helps me a little knowing that I’m not crazy in how I feel. Thank you.

  139. Buffy  September 3, 2018 at 2:01 am Reply

    Crying yourself to sleep every night, and waking up crying!!!! Mornings are terrible.. Waking up in the morning ALONE and remembering the whole thing was not a nightmare is the worst!
    After hearing about my husband ‘s death made me want to scream And cry to him about it. It was very sudden, being a car accident. No seatbelt…

    Anyway, the knowing that you will never get to talk ever again ever. Knowing he will never come home and walk through the door ever aha is terrible. You just want it all to be just a bad dream, but just can’t wake up. from it!

  140. Michele  August 23, 2018 at 9:53 pm Reply

    I am discovering that after 2017, when I lost my 28 year old cousin to murder (really, though, I think it was more of a suicide by proxy) in January, my 39 year old best friend to total paralysis from a brain hemorrhage in May, my other best friend to suicide, and another close friend to prison, I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop. I have now started grieving for the next two closest people to me – my mom and my husband – even though there is not a single thing wrong with them, save for bad genetics. I have realized that anxiety is simply an impatient version of grief waiting for its cue to enter – and it is perpetually waiting in the wings for me. Insomnia. Food binge/restriction. Lethargy. Hyperactivity. All the things. Usually at the same time.

    As an atheist with no children, I truly fear for what will become of me when the last two that I love the most are gone. What do I do with me? I have no faith to hold me here. No children to be obligated to care for. The last two people keeping me tethered to this world will likely die before me. Then what? I am certain I will not be able to find joy without them here. I will only be a burden to anyone who is left.

  141. Jenn  August 18, 2018 at 1:14 pm Reply

    My mom just passed away almost 2 weeks ago. She was 57 and battled stage 4 metastatic melanoma for 9 years. 4 days before she passed, she was moved to hospice care, sent my sister her funeral wishes, and sent me a text while I was at work. Little did I know this was the last text my mom was going to send me. Im 29, my dad passed away a month before my 13th birthday… My grandma passed away from Alzheimer’s 2 years ago… But nothing could have prepped me for losing my mom. Crying in fact DOES come in waves and completely out of nowhere. I cried when I told her my goodbyes in the hospital, I cried when everyone said their goodbyes to her. I cried at the viewing and funeral, very little. Now i catch myself crying very little and very randomly over the smallest things. Or my patience as been slim to none, which i know isnt fair to my partner or step son but its almost uncontrolable… Ive come to terms with theres no guidelines for grieving and this recent death is proving the lack of guidelines… Remaining on “autopilot” is the only thing getting me through work days at this point.

    • Lauren  January 8, 2019 at 10:13 am Reply

      My jut lost my sister to metastatic melanoma four days ago. She fought for two years. I thought she would make it. I honestly thought she’d just keep going until the cure was found. I’m in such pain and numbness right now. I dont know how to do anything, I don’t know how to cook or how to do my laundry because what does it matter? I don’t know how to even face going back to work. What I want is to go away somewhere I don’t know, to a hotel, or somewhere where I dont have to do anything, and just sit and think for a minute. Everything in my life seems pushing me to go back to work or go back to normal life, and I just can’t face that. I don’t know what to do.

  142. Mbc  August 14, 2018 at 4:10 pm Reply

    I lost my mom on 7-7-18. Her last 3 weeks consisted of my care 24/7. # 6—A home death/hospice death is not always a good death. It’s what my mom wanted but the last 2 weeks were felt like a job vs. my mom dying. All my other siblings had the time to say their goodbyes and have their conversations but my niece and I were on duty. I made myself take a few moments alone to say my goodbyes but the other thing no one tells you is that the person you are caring for may become angry with their caregivers. Mom did and that could not be the furthest from who she was normally. I had been her primary care giver for her 6 year cancer battle, and it was an honor to be by her side. Though the last 2 weeks were different brutal really. I relive that final 24 hours more than anyone knows. Not sure I will ever be able to let those go.

    Oh… Hospice… who knew how little help or guidance you really get from them. I sure as heck did not. Super disappointed.

    Family feuds— from what i know now are not uncommon but lord are they unnecessary and horrible. But they happen!

    The other thing people don’t tell you is how hard it will be to help your other parent through the loss of their spouse. My dad, who is now staying with my family is so sad that I can’t begin to grieve myself, which may not be a bad thing.

  143. Lynn  August 9, 2018 at 5:02 am Reply

    I lost my beloved husband. I’m prepared for birthdays, anniversaries, but sometimes the silliest, unexpected thing will bring me to my knees. There’s no preparing for that. It comes out of no where.

  144. Wendy  August 6, 2018 at 11:34 pm Reply

    I’m 39 and lost my 68 year old Mom on June 9, 2018. She found out May 10 (four days after her birthday)that she had pancreatic cancer that had spread to her liver. We were counting on chemo but she died the week she was supposed to start treatment. She took a major turn for the worse mainly because of acute liver failure and lived for only six more days after going to the hospital. It’s been just the two of us for so many years and she was my absolute best friend. She was out of it on a lot of morphine and so weak for that last week that we didn’t have any more conversations together. I talked to her a lot and made her as comfortable as possible while she could still tell me what she needed. Not being able to talk back and forth with her was particularly sad because we had wonderful, heartwarming conversations over the years. I live/lived (which is it now?) with my mom and still live in the same house we’ve had since I was six.
    Here’s what no one told me:
    “People will tell you it’s time to face reality (which you should never say) when the person you love is still dying, not even gone yet.”
    “You will cry over things you never imagined. Like the loved ones dirty socks still lying in their bedroom floor or whenever you see their favorite candy.”
    “Crying so hard that you’re screaming is not just a tv/ movie thing that wins you an Oscar.”

  145. Lucy Roth  August 6, 2018 at 9:02 pm Reply

    The biggest surprise for me was the physical aches and pain. The physical sickness I feel from grieving. It like the flu almost. But last much longer. My mother has only been gone 2 months but the waves keep pounding me.

  146. Robin  August 6, 2018 at 2:52 pm Reply

    It REALLY HURTS when someone says – why are you so upset? He was only your nephew…

  147. McKenna  August 6, 2018 at 12:34 am Reply

    Sometimes, without even realizing it, you not only mourn the loss of a person, but you mourn the loss of a life you thought you were going to have.

  148. Josh  August 5, 2018 at 6:53 pm Reply

    My mom died a few months ago. We were very close even though we had a difficult relationship. I’ve never felt so scared in my life; I’m a grown 55 year old man with a family of my own and all I do is worry about who’s going to take care of me. I guess it’s time for me to grow up.

    Thank you for this wonderful medium.

  149. charmaine  August 3, 2018 at 7:05 pm Reply

    * That grief is physical pain as well. I’ve never been so sore in my life. My whole body aches.
    * Every single morning you wake up there is a split second of forgetting about your loss of your loved one, then it hits you like a ton of bricks and you remember that they are dead. This is THE WORST!

    • Debrah  December 21, 2018 at 2:56 pm Reply

      That’s just how i feel. I struggle through everyday since my 55 year old partner’s death.
      I sleep badly and then when i wake up, for the first few seconds i don’t remember Simon’s death.
      Then it hits me and the pain is all-consuming again.

      • Lauren  January 8, 2019 at 10:16 am

        I can’t believe how normal everything feels for the first minute or two upon waking up. The day after my sister dies, I couldn’t believe my brain was reacting like everything was fine. I didn’t know that would happen.

  150. joann r delashmutt  August 2, 2018 at 11:46 pm Reply

    there’s no wrong way to grieve.

  151. Perpetua Chiomberegwa  July 21, 2018 at 11:47 am Reply

    I recently lost my husband of 10 years.He died of hypertension just 2 days in hospital.He died 15 June 2018,I am still in shock.He left me I was 9 months pregnant and was due the following week he died.I could not do body viewing and I did not go to bury him.I have recently been blessed with a baby boy and I have 2 beautiful girls.T have lost my dad 2010 but death seem to be new.I an trying to get on my fit but it’s not easy.It’s been a month that he died but I still cannot believe he is really gone.I have all the feelings and emotions you can think of,my world is upside down

  152. National Lollipop Day  July 14, 2018 at 7:56 am Reply

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  155. david roger sundquist  June 25, 2018 at 9:31 am Reply

    i’m grieving the lost of my wife. i am sick and tired of people saying, call me if you need anything ! what a cop-out ! the only thing it means is i’m relieved of any responsibility of anything. it puts all the effort on the grieving person and means nothing. how about this, i’ll call you to check on you, but if you need me before that, call me !!!!!!!

  156. Hilda Ostby  June 20, 2018 at 6:50 am Reply

    I wish I had known how physical grief could be. I walked with a shuffle for a few months – couldn’t pick up my feet. I thought I had some kind of disease until I figured out it was literally the weight of the grief I was carrying.

  157. Sarah  June 11, 2018 at 9:25 am Reply

    My partner broke up with me,but with the help of ___dr_mack@(yahoo). com my partner came back????

  158. Rima  June 9, 2018 at 8:10 pm Reply

    My grief hurts my body, my heart feels like it’s going to explode into billions of pieces… I just wanted more time, I just can’t see how life moves on without my loved one. No one really understands how deeply we hurt for our loved ones, it makes you realize how alone you truly are. I understand this and I don’t expect anyone to truly understand the utter pain I go through but it causes me to feel very isolated and alone. When the “wave” hits, I lose my breathe for a moment, my heart wrenches, my tears just roll down my cheeks without even making a audible crying sounds. I watch her videos almost every day, I touch her on the screen, wanting to feel her soft skin and warm breathe on my face, her smell….. people judge they all do…. very few people will never understand and I don’t blame them because they cannot get into my heart and soul and experience the intense bond I had. I have my good days but I know that the “wave” is imminent and I must let it wash over me and I embrace it. I think it’s the love that has been built up but not allowed to be expressed to her. She passed on March 19, 2018, I held her in my arms on the way to the hospital and kissed her and told her I how much she meant to me and to our other family members, she brought them up, she nutured them and helped to make them whole. I told her that if she cannot breathe I will breathe for her. She is mine and I am hers and that will be forever.

  159. Dorothy Sowell  June 6, 2018 at 1:07 am Reply

    Such a great list. I really appreciate with this. I will must share it to others and also to my facebook page. Thanks fo rthe sharing such a informative article.

  160. Melissa  June 2, 2018 at 9:32 pm Reply

    I lost my brother in law, Chance, (more of a big brother) less than a month ago. He passed on 5/5/18 in a motorcycle accident and left behind his four year old daughter. We were very close. I never knew I was going to feel crazy when Chance died. Literally crazy. I tune out the world and hear songs and his voice so clear like he is sitting right next to me. I still send him messages telling him about my day and how his daughter is doing. I didn’t know I was going to have odd cooping mechanisms with a loss, but I have. There are time when I feel like I’m good and I’m stable, but then something that doesn’t even seem to have any remote connection with Chance or his death will trigger an immense ball of emotions I didn’t even know could happen with one another. I miss him and I will love him forever. I do wish I would have let him stay in my house where he would have been safe(guilt).

  161. Melissa  June 2, 2018 at 9:32 pm Reply

    I lost my brother in law, Chance, (more of a big brother) less than a month ago. He passed on 5/5/18 in a motorcycle accident and left behind his four year old daughter. We were very close. I never knew I was going to feel crazy when Chance died. Literally crazy. I tune out the world and hear songs and his voice so clear like he is sitting right next to me. I still send him messages telling him about my day and how his daughter is doing. I didn’t know I was going to have odd cooping mechanisms with a loss, but I have. There are time when I feel like I’m good and I’m stable, but then something that doesn’t even seem to have any remote connection with Chance or his death will trigger an immense ball of emotions I didn’t even know could happen with one another. I miss him and I will love him forever. I do wish I would have let him stay in my house where he would have been safe(guilt).

  162. Jay Rob  June 2, 2018 at 10:25 am Reply

    I told a close friend that I intended to create a page on instagram directed to other males that very close to their mothers. His response was; “why would you do such a thing, so you all can wallow in self pity?” Im not quite sure why that hurt me so deeply.

  163. Jay Rob  June 2, 2018 at 10:25 am Reply

    I told a close friend that I intended to create a page on instagram directed to other males that very close to their mothers. His response was; “why would you do such a thing, so you all can wallow in self pity?” Im not quite sure why that hurt me so deeply.

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  166. Jody  May 28, 2018 at 6:43 pm Reply

    You don’t just mourn the death of the dream once. The dream always finds a way to rear its ugly head and you grieve it all over again. Some dreams just don’t die, no matter how long the individual has been dead.

  167. Jody  May 28, 2018 at 6:43 pm Reply

    You don’t just mourn the death of the dream once. The dream always finds a way to rear its ugly head and you grieve it all over again. Some dreams just don’t die, no matter how long the individual has been dead.

  168. Judy Bullock  May 28, 2018 at 2:16 pm Reply

    In 17 years, through guilt of being alive, I have systematically lost everything my beautiful husband and I worked so hard for, that I now have nothing. I ruined my relationship with my beautiful girls, and I am still so very lost. I wish my doctor had visited me after my husband died… or someone had put me somewhere for my own protection from myself, until I could cope . I still cry everyday with grief for jom

  169. Judy Bullock  May 28, 2018 at 2:16 pm Reply

    In 17 years, through guilt of being alive, I have systematically lost everything my beautiful husband and I worked so hard for, that I now have nothing. I ruined my relationship with my beautiful girls, and I am still so very lost. I wish my doctor had visited me after my husband died… or someone had put me somewhere for my own protection from myself, until I could cope . I still cry everyday with grief for jom

  170. Kristine Holt  May 11, 2018 at 3:39 pm Reply

    I lost my son on June 24,2017. He was murdered. I was devastated to say the least. Instead of people saying it will get better they said it will never get better or don’t let people tell you it gets better because it don’t. That scared me because at that time I was doing good just to breathe. So maybe people should be careful on advice to a person who is in the beginning stages of grief. I was afraid that if I was never going to get better then I may have to be placed in an institution. I know now logically what people meant but at that time I was not thinking logically. One day at a time and I manage to get out of bed, work and function. The pain is there and I am sure that’s what was meant but at least I can dress myself,comb my hair and brush my teeth unlike that very first day. Just hold off on advice the first days afterwards. love, comfort, lending a helping hand is really all a person can handle at first.

  171. Kristine Holt  May 11, 2018 at 3:39 pm Reply

    I lost my son on June 24,2017. He was murdered. I was devastated to say the least. Instead of people saying it will get better they said it will never get better or don’t let people tell you it gets better because it don’t. That scared me because at that time I was doing good just to breathe. So maybe people should be careful on advice to a person who is in the beginning stages of grief. I was afraid that if I was never going to get better then I may have to be placed in an institution. I know now logically what people meant but at that time I was not thinking logically. One day at a time and I manage to get out of bed, work and function. The pain is there and I am sure that’s what was meant but at least I can dress myself,comb my hair and brush my teeth unlike that very first day. Just hold off on advice the first days afterwards. love, comfort, lending a helping hand is really all a person can handle at first.

  172. Ash  May 8, 2018 at 7:09 pm Reply

    I lost my absent dad a few months ago. Though we was in a different continent for most of my life, these 2/3 years when I entered adulthood had been significant because I took steps to approach him, go abroad and stay with him, and have some form of verbal communication with him which didn’t exist growing up. So when he died suddently I just feel like the restablishment of contact came too late, when things were just getting better he left this world.
    I didn’t get to say goodbye to him and it’s killing me. It feels like a cruel ending.

  173. Ash  May 8, 2018 at 7:09 pm Reply

    I lost my absent dad a few months ago. Though we was in a different continent for most of my life, these 2/3 years when I entered adulthood had been significant because I took steps to approach him, go abroad and stay with him, and have some form of verbal communication with him which didn’t exist growing up. So when he died suddently I just feel like the restablishment of contact came too late, when things were just getting better he left this world.
    I didn’t get to say goodbye to him and it’s killing me. It feels like a cruel ending.

  174. Doug  May 1, 2018 at 8:36 am Reply

    I lost my spouse of 45 years suddenly and unexpectedly, although she had an “ultimately” terminal condition. She was very functional and we had a loving life. We had both acknowledged that I would outlive her, so should have been prepared ? NO

    No, sudden unexpected death of even a terminally ill person hurts terribly; maybe more so in the fact that we knew the end was nearer than we would have liked. But, I had prepared for being together and cherishing the short amount of time we were going to have together- we didn’t take our love for granted like normal relationships- we knew it was not unending- but now I feel cheated and that she had been stolen from me…so now I grieve twice…the same type some one feels with a sudden death and I still have the anticipatory grief associated with the impending death

    65. It’s ok to talk to the recently departed

  175. Doug  May 1, 2018 at 8:36 am Reply

    I lost my spouse of 45 years suddenly and unexpectedly, although she had an “ultimately” terminal condition. She was very functional and we had a loving life. We had both acknowledged that I would outlive her, so should have been prepared ? NO

    No, sudden unexpected death of even a terminally ill person hurts terribly; maybe more so in the fact that we knew the end was nearer than we would have liked. But, I had prepared for being together and cherishing the short amount of time we were going to have together- we didn’t take our love for granted like normal relationships- we knew it was not unending- but now I feel cheated and that she had been stolen from me…so now I grieve twice…the same type some one feels with a sudden death and I still have the anticipatory grief associated with the impending death

    65. It’s ok to talk to the recently departed

  176. Louise McOrmond-Plummer  May 1, 2018 at 1:10 am Reply

    Dawn, I’m very concerned at the expectations people are putting on you at this time. My husband of 28 years passed 18 months ago, and you’re absolutely right that platitudes don’t help. Basically, they shame us and try to “correct” us from feeling things that are perfectly natural responses to such a huge loss. People may mean well, but this is about YOU and what you need right now. Of COURSE you don’t have closure – your loss is a handful of weeks in the past – and I debate anyway whether closure is actually a thing. When or IF you decide to pack up your man’s things is completely up to you. It sounds like his toothbrush is important to leave where it is, so leave it, my dear. I know it’s really hard to drum up any energy at this stage for telling people what you need from tHem, but I do wonder if it’s possible to let your family know that their platitudes, their telling you how to feel and how often to visit the cemetery just isn’t helpful? These responses really are as bad as we think they are. Let me assure you that there is nothing wrong with you at all, Dawn. Could I please recommend that you read a book, when you are able, called “It’s Okay that You’re Not Okay” by Megan Devine. I wish there was a way to make this easier, sweetheart – it’s dreadfully hard, and though I am not you, I do know from my own experience the absolute depth of pain that comes from losing a beloved husband. I’m so sorry. Please find ways via the internet or other, to be with people who can support you, and listen instead of telling you what to do xxoo

  177. Louise McOrmond-Plummer  May 1, 2018 at 1:10 am Reply

    Dawn, I’m very concerned at the expectations people are putting on you at this time. My husband of 28 years passed 18 months ago, and you’re absolutely right that platitudes don’t help. Basically, they shame us and try to “correct” us from feeling things that are perfectly natural responses to such a huge loss. People may mean well, but this is about YOU and what you need right now. Of COURSE you don’t have closure – your loss is a handful of weeks in the past – and I debate anyway whether closure is actually a thing. When or IF you decide to pack up your man’s things is completely up to you. It sounds like his toothbrush is important to leave where it is, so leave it, my dear. I know it’s really hard to drum up any energy at this stage for telling people what you need from tHem, but I do wonder if it’s possible to let your family know that their platitudes, their telling you how to feel and how often to visit the cemetery just isn’t helpful? These responses really are as bad as we think they are. Let me assure you that there is nothing wrong with you at all, Dawn. Could I please recommend that you read a book, when you are able, called “It’s Okay that You’re Not Okay” by Megan Devine. I wish there was a way to make this easier, sweetheart – it’s dreadfully hard, and though I am not you, I do know from my own experience the absolute depth of pain that comes from losing a beloved husband. I’m so sorry. Please find ways via the internet or other, to be with people who can support you, and listen instead of telling you what to do xxoo

  178. Louise McOrmond-Plummer  May 1, 2018 at 12:38 am Reply

    Hi John,

    I am so sad for you that you believe you can do nothing about whatever wrongs you feel you may have done. I believe that you can do so, and I believe your wife already knows how much you love her, and the great sorrow you bear. John, have you heard anything about continuing bonds? There’s an excellent article about it on this site; it basically means that your relationship with your wife continues, offering you the opportunity to work through any issues you may feel are unfinished with her. Here is grief specialist Robert Neimeyer’s response to a daughter with guilt feelings for her deceased mother: “First, it helps to recognize that your guilt persists because your relationship with your mother persists, even beyond her dying. While this is a problem, it also suggests a solution, as you can seek resolution through working to make amends to her, just as you would have in life.” I do hope you will find the peace you seek. Your love for your lady is palpable in every word, – I can see that, and I’m just a stranger behind a computer screen in Australia xxoo

  179. Louise McOrmond-Plummer  May 1, 2018 at 12:38 am Reply

    Hi John,

    I am so sad for you that you believe you can do nothing about whatever wrongs you feel you may have done. I believe that you can do so, and I believe your wife already knows how much you love her, and the great sorrow you bear. John, have you heard anything about continuing bonds? There’s an excellent article about it on this site; it basically means that your relationship with your wife continues, offering you the opportunity to work through any issues you may feel are unfinished with her. Here is grief specialist Robert Neimeyer’s response to a daughter with guilt feelings for her deceased mother: “First, it helps to recognize that your guilt persists because your relationship with your mother persists, even beyond her dying. While this is a problem, it also suggests a solution, as you can seek resolution through working to make amends to her, just as you would have in life.” I do hope you will find the peace you seek. Your love for your lady is palpable in every word, – I can see that, and I’m just a stranger behind a computer screen in Australia xxoo

  180. Zrinka  April 30, 2018 at 6:17 pm Reply

    I’m 23 and 4 months ago I lost my dad. He passed away suddenly at 53 and since then, I feel completely lost. I feel like I don’t live my life anymore because there is no my life without my dad. He is the first thing I remember when I wake up, and the last thing before I fall asleep. However, some days are easier, but some days (like today) are so hard that I don’t know how it is possible to live with this pain. I was crying all night and then I found this site accidentally. And it helped me at least a little bit because I see I’m not the only one going through this. I can’t talk to my friends about my dad. They just don’t understand. Luckily for them. I have beautiful family and they are my biggest support but I have feeling that some of my cousins (and friends) think that I got over this just because I laugh sometimes and I’m doing things I used to do before. But I think the only thing that gets better with time is your emotional control in front of others. But when you are alone, it’s all the same. It still hurts so badly and you miss that person so much.
    English is not my first language, but I hope you will understand me and some could maybe find yourselves in my words and feelings.

  181. Zrinka  April 30, 2018 at 6:17 pm Reply

    I’m 23 and 4 months ago I lost my dad. He passed away suddenly at 53 and since then, I feel completely lost. I feel like I don’t live my life anymore because there is no my life without my dad. He is the first thing I remember when I wake up, and the last thing before I fall asleep. However, some days are easier, but some days (like today) are so hard that I don’t know how it is possible to live with this pain. I was crying all night and then I found this site accidentally. And it helped me at least a little bit because I see I’m not the only one going through this. I can’t talk to my friends about my dad. They just don’t understand. Luckily for them. I have beautiful family and they are my biggest support but I have feeling that some of my cousins (and friends) think that I got over this just because I laugh sometimes and I’m doing things I used to do before. But I think the only thing that gets better with time is your emotional control in front of others. But when you are alone, it’s all the same. It still hurts so badly and you miss that person so much.
    English is not my first language, but I hope you will understand me and some could maybe find yourselves in my words and feelings.

  182. Roxanne  April 27, 2018 at 4:48 pm Reply

    Suddenly losing a beloved has not only the grief but the shock too. Losing my mom was an ongoing affair…years of sliding down the path of dementia. Outbursts, and her struggles to stay in control, could be intense, sometimes with her striking out. But there were times of exquisite sweetness; I slept with her several times, to keep her safe when my father was away. I’d cuddle her in bed to make her feel safe and stroke her face, tell her, “you know what?..she’d look at me, and wonder…what? and I’d say, “I love you…” probably 50 times a day. It always made her smile and the energy in our hearts would glow. I sang her Sufi chants several nights a week, while she was in bed at the nursing home in her finally year, readying for sleep. She’d close her eyes, and then open them with these deep orbs of rich brown, like tunnels going on forever, as if she had gone to the other side, and back again. These memories of loving more then, have sustained me in her loss. It’s been about 4 years. She is Always with me! Love to you Marusha…Auntie Moosh, Mom, Mary…I love you always! We are one!

  183. Roxanne  April 27, 2018 at 4:48 pm Reply

    Suddenly losing a beloved has not only the grief but the shock too. Losing my mom was an ongoing affair…years of sliding down the path of dementia. Outbursts, and her struggles to stay in control, could be intense, sometimes with her striking out. But there were times of exquisite sweetness; I slept with her several times, to keep her safe when my father was away. I’d cuddle her in bed to make her feel safe and stroke her face, tell her, “you know what?..she’d look at me, and wonder…what? and I’d say, “I love you…” probably 50 times a day. It always made her smile and the energy in our hearts would glow. I sang her Sufi chants several nights a week, while she was in bed at the nursing home in her finally year, readying for sleep. She’d close her eyes, and then open them with these deep orbs of rich brown, like tunnels going on forever, as if she had gone to the other side, and back again. These memories of loving more then, have sustained me in her loss. It’s been about 4 years. She is Always with me! Love to you Marusha…Auntie Moosh, Mom, Mary…I love you always! We are one!

  184. Patricia Riffe  April 26, 2018 at 10:22 pm Reply

    For some of us, writing thank you notes and letters after a death and funeral or memorial event is part of the healing process. I wanted everyone to know how very much I and our son appreciated their caring thoughts and deeds. It is not always a cruel thing as stated in this list and is an incredibly personal decision whether to write them or not.

  185. Patricia Riffe  April 26, 2018 at 10:22 pm Reply

    For some of us, writing thank you notes and letters after a death and funeral or memorial event is part of the healing process. I wanted everyone to know how very much I and our son appreciated their caring thoughts and deeds. It is not always a cruel thing as stated in this list and is an incredibly personal decision whether to write them or not.

    • Rebecca  September 11, 2019 at 6:21 pm Reply

      One more thing to add to the the list:. “Anxiety is another (constant) stage of grief.”

      Patricia! Forgive my untimely reply to this post: I lost so many friends after my son died. It was agonizing and confusing but because I didn’t have the strength to care about it, it only just recently occurred to me that they were completely afraid of me and the person who had taken over my body! They didn’t know who I was or how to be the friend that I needed at the time. The funny, spontaneous always there for you Becky did not reside at this address. I couldn’t STAND when people just dropped by and rehashed the story over and over again. Then sit there in awkward silence and stare at me. I cut the visits shorter and shorter until they stopped coming. It was a relief. No one understands the way you “don’t” feel. Oscar winning performances are put on for THEIR sake. That part will be put in perspective in time. Take care of YOU!

  186. Laurie Muniak  April 22, 2018 at 9:33 am Reply

    As I read through these posts, my heart is broken for each one of you. Our grief is so individual and so real. My fiance, the love of my life, my soulmate passed away suddenly on March 22nd. Like so many of you, we had so many beautiful memories and so many plans for the future. I find myself pretending to be okay. Pretending to myself, pretending to others… How many times can you say to someone who asks “I’m still crying, I’m still in bed, I’m still going through motions but none of it makes any sense or matters.” So I pretend. I go out to dinner with friends. I attempt to fill my days and evenings with activities that really don’t matter. I pretend that I am happy. They say” fake it till you make it.” I honestly do not feel like I will make it. I also read the disappointment that others on this post feel about people who you really believed would be there for you and haven’t been to the capacity that we need them. I, too, have experienced this. But, in my grief, I feel I have to let that go because I just can’t have one more thing bringing me down. I cling to the people who are there and who do their best to the best of their ability. So now I sit and I wait and I fear for the future. Knowing that most people don’t get one soulmate, not even one soulmate in their life. I know that I will never have another, I know that I will never love the way I loved this man. It is scary. It is paralyzing. My heart is broken. And everyone says “you are strong – you are so strong” because I have been very strong through some very tragic things in my life. You are strong??? They do not know. How can one be strong when half of her heart is missing, one of her lungs is gone, half of her soul and spirit are gone… And the other half that remains is so deeply wounded.

  187. Laurie Muniak  April 22, 2018 at 9:33 am Reply

    As I read through these posts, my heart is broken for each one of you. Our grief is so individual and so real. My fiance, the love of my life, my soulmate passed away suddenly on March 22nd. Like so many of you, we had so many beautiful memories and so many plans for the future. I find myself pretending to be okay. Pretending to myself, pretending to others… How many times can you say to someone who asks “I’m still crying, I’m still in bed, I’m still going through motions but none of it makes any sense or matters.” So I pretend. I go out to dinner with friends. I attempt to fill my days and evenings with activities that really don’t matter. I pretend that I am happy. They say” fake it till you make it.” I honestly do not feel like I will make it. I also read the disappointment that others on this post feel about people who you really believed would be there for you and haven’t been to the capacity that we need them. I, too, have experienced this. But, in my grief, I feel I have to let that go because I just can’t have one more thing bringing me down. I cling to the people who are there and who do their best to the best of their ability. So now I sit and I wait and I fear for the future. Knowing that most people don’t get one soulmate, not even one soulmate in their life. I know that I will never have another, I know that I will never love the way I loved this man. It is scary. It is paralyzing. My heart is broken. And everyone says “you are strong – you are so strong” because I have been very strong through some very tragic things in my life. You are strong??? They do not know. How can one be strong when half of her heart is missing, one of her lungs is gone, half of her soul and spirit are gone… And the other half that remains is so deeply wounded.

  188. Aluminium-Kreis-Lieferant kochend  April 15, 2018 at 10:13 pm Reply

    WhatHappening i’m new to this, I stumbled upon this I have found It absolutely useful and it has helped me out loads. I hope to contribute & assist other users like its helped me. Good job.

  189. Aluminium-Kreis-Lieferant kochend  April 15, 2018 at 10:13 pm Reply

    WhatHappening i’m new to this, I stumbled upon this I have found It absolutely useful and it has helped me out loads. I hope to contribute & assist other users like its helped me. Good job.

  190. adaptateurs hydrauliques  April 14, 2018 at 3:15 am Reply

    I do agree with all of the ideas you have presented in your post. They are really convincing and will certainly work. Still, the posts are too short for newbies. Could you please extend them a bit from next time? Thanks for the post.

  191. adaptateurs hydrauliques  April 14, 2018 at 3:15 am Reply

    I do agree with all of the ideas you have presented in your post. They are really convincing and will certainly work. Still, the posts are too short for newbies. Could you please extend them a bit from next time? Thanks for the post.

  192. Shubhangi Ojha  April 12, 2018 at 3:58 pm Reply

    Marrry… i lost my elder brother on 22nd march 2018. You can talk to me

  193. Shubhangi Ojha  April 12, 2018 at 3:58 pm Reply

    Marrry… i lost my elder brother on 22nd march 2018. You can talk to me

  194. Sandra  April 9, 2018 at 11:59 pm Reply

    My mom passed 2/3/18 of undiagnosed Alzheimer’s. She was not diagnosed until 2-3 weeks before she died. She eas 65. Im a ONLY child and 42. Her 2nd husband passed in 2004 of a stoke and we did not know. We thuoght it was just a flu since he had flu like symptoms. We missed the arm not being able to lift up.

    I got one person that BELIEVES that she is doing good by telling me to “Pray” and “read your bible”. Im not even a Christian anymore and this person just keeps on saying this stuff and it does not help me.

    Anogher one says “Time heals”. No it does not. I miss my mom everyday. Sometimes my days ate good. Some very bad. Day AFTER Easter wss bad. Mothers Day im with a friend and mother. I imagine the day AFTER mothers day will be very hard for me.

    And ppl expect you to be all gine and happy like nothing ever happened. Well…Let’s welcome anger in shall we? May be if that person lost their brst friend and mother abd was her catetaker of 2 lsst years….may be they’d be more understanding. You dont f’ing get it until your mother dies.

    No one gets it.

    1
  195. Sandra  April 9, 2018 at 11:59 pm Reply

    My mom passed 2/3/18 of undiagnosed Alzheimer’s. She was not diagnosed until 2-3 weeks before she died. She eas 65. Im a ONLY child and 42. Her 2nd husband passed in 2004 of a stoke and we did not know. We thuoght it was just a flu since he had flu like symptoms. We missed the arm not being able to lift up.

    I got one person that BELIEVES that she is doing good by telling me to “Pray” and “read your bible”. Im not even a Christian anymore and this person just keeps on saying this stuff and it does not help me.

    Anogher one says “Time heals”. No it does not. I miss my mom everyday. Sometimes my days ate good. Some very bad. Day AFTER Easter wss bad. Mothers Day im with a friend and mother. I imagine the day AFTER mothers day will be very hard for me.

    And ppl expect you to be all gine and happy like nothing ever happened. Well…Let’s welcome anger in shall we? May be if that person lost their brst friend and mother abd was her catetaker of 2 lsst years….may be they’d be more understanding. You dont f’ing get it until your mother dies.

    No one gets it.

  196. Susan Wonders  April 6, 2018 at 12:43 am Reply

    I lost the love of my life on January 26,2018 he had turned 55 on Jan 13. The dearest kindest man I have ever known. I was married to a Monster for twenty years then alone for 13 years before finally agreeing to date him hesitation being my strong suit. I had four years , one and and half married to the best man anywhere before god took him home. I am so thankful for the people I grew up with it Oregon who truely understand.

  197. Susan Wonders  April 6, 2018 at 12:43 am Reply

    I lost the love of my life on January 26,2018 he had turned 55 on Jan 13. The dearest kindest man I have ever known. I was married to a Monster for twenty years then alone for 13 years before finally agreeing to date him hesitation being my strong suit. I had four years , one and and half married to the best man anywhere before god took him home. I am so thankful for the people I grew up with it Oregon who truely understand.

  198. Coley  March 30, 2018 at 1:23 pm Reply

    My mom died on 22 March 2018 and I’m lucky to have a supportive extended family– but I’m an only child and none of my cousins (all older with families of their own) or friends have lost a parent. I feel changed, older, and have missed her since the moment my dad called to tell me. I keep telling myself that at least I’m 24 — because I knew two girls that lost their mom’s at 14 and 16, so at least I had her until 24, right? But it still feels unfair and too soon. I want to talk to my friends about it, and I do to some extent, but the harder stuff.. I just feel like they won’t get it? The things people describe about grief, the things on the list like “It’s worse than you imagined”, they’re things you can’t understand until you go through it–and I wouldn’t wish this kind of experience on anyway. I’ve been consoling myself with knowing that my mom passed before her parents, so at least she never knew what this feels like. I have plans to speak to a therapist but I still get these flashes of, ‘you don’t understand, you don’t understand, this runs so much deeper than you know.’ My mom would have turned 50 this May.

  199. Coley  March 30, 2018 at 1:23 pm Reply

    My mom died on 22 March 2018 and I’m lucky to have a supportive extended family– but I’m an only child and none of my cousins (all older with families of their own) or friends have lost a parent. I feel changed, older, and have missed her since the moment my dad called to tell me. I keep telling myself that at least I’m 24 — because I knew two girls that lost their mom’s at 14 and 16, so at least I had her until 24, right? But it still feels unfair and too soon. I want to talk to my friends about it, and I do to some extent, but the harder stuff.. I just feel like they won’t get it? The things people describe about grief, the things on the list like “It’s worse than you imagined”, they’re things you can’t understand until you go through it–and I wouldn’t wish this kind of experience on anyway. I’ve been consoling myself with knowing that my mom passed before her parents, so at least she never knew what this feels like. I have plans to speak to a therapist but I still get these flashes of, ‘you don’t understand, you don’t understand, this runs so much deeper than you know.’ My mom would have turned 50 this May.

  200. Diane Havenner  March 29, 2018 at 5:03 pm Reply

    Some people will confuse your grief with negativity.

  201. Diane Havenner  March 29, 2018 at 5:03 pm Reply

    Some people will confuse your grief with negativity.

  202. Dawn  March 29, 2018 at 1:00 pm Reply

    I buried my best friend, soulmate, and husband of 28 years on March 5, 2018. He died two blocks from my worksite in a horrible car crash, coming to pick me up from work. He was only 54. I was not allowed to see his body until the funeral service; the funeral director and my father said there was too much damage, I would regret seeing him like that. My brother had the car towed away, our brand new sports car, and I never saw it. My dad and brother said it would be too traumatic. I can’t stop crying. I don’t feel like I’ve had any closure at all. And everyone around me is pushing me to pack up his things. I can’t even move his toothbrush! I cried for hours after having to wash the glass he left on his nightstand because it was growing mold. Now I want to talk about my husband, and family members think I’m being morbid, we shouldn’t talk about the dead. Oh, excuse me, we can’t say “dead”. Has anyone else gotten angry at platitudes well-meaning people spout? I’m sick of hearing, “Time will heal you.” “So sorry for your loss.” “Be thankful for what you have.” I even had one friend say, “Aren’t you glad you can do what you want now?” No, I want my husband back. I visit the cemetery every day, and my brother told me I needed to stop doing that. Nobody understands the depths of my grief; he was the greatest thing that ever happened to me. Will anything be right ever again?

  203. Dawn  March 29, 2018 at 1:00 pm Reply

    I buried my best friend, soulmate, and husband of 28 years on March 5, 2018. He died two blocks from my worksite in a horrible car crash, coming to pick me up from work. He was only 54. I was not allowed to see his body until the funeral service; the funeral director and my father said there was too much damage, I would regret seeing him like that. My brother had the car towed away, our brand new sports car, and I never saw it. My dad and brother said it would be too traumatic. I can’t stop crying. I don’t feel like I’ve had any closure at all. And everyone around me is pushing me to pack up his things. I can’t even move his toothbrush! I cried for hours after having to wash the glass he left on his nightstand because it was growing mold. Now I want to talk about my husband, and family members think I’m being morbid, we shouldn’t talk about the dead. Oh, excuse me, we can’t say “dead”. Has anyone else gotten angry at platitudes well-meaning people spout? I’m sick of hearing, “Time will heal you.” “So sorry for your loss.” “Be thankful for what you have.” I even had one friend say, “Aren’t you glad you can do what you want now?” No, I want my husband back. I visit the cemetery every day, and my brother told me I needed to stop doing that. Nobody understands the depths of my grief; he was the greatest thing that ever happened to me. Will anything be right ever again?

  204. Jones  March 26, 2018 at 8:02 pm Reply

    My partner broke up with me,but with the help of ___dr_mack @ (Yahoo). com my partner came back

  205. Jones  March 26, 2018 at 8:02 pm Reply

    My partner broke up with me,but with the help of ___dr_mack @ (Yahoo). com my partner came back

  206. Cookie G  March 24, 2018 at 2:43 pm Reply

    I wish someone had told me I would feel like a puzzle piece in the wrong puzzle. I don’t fit in with married people or single people. I also wish someone had warned me of this whole new culture of widowhood. Some wives act weird when I speak to to both wife and husband. I was told it’s because I’m available. Please…if I didn’t want him then, I definitely don’t want him now! (although it is quite hilarious to see the reactions). I wouldn’t wish this type of grief on my worse enemy. I am thankful for this post and appreciate all of the comments. They have helped me!

  207. Cookie G  March 24, 2018 at 2:43 pm Reply

    I wish someone had told me I would feel like a puzzle piece in the wrong puzzle. I don’t fit in with married people or single people. I also wish someone had warned me of this whole new culture of widowhood. Some wives act weird when I speak to to both wife and husband. I was told it’s because I’m available. Please…if I didn’t want him then, I definitely don’t want him now! (although it is quite hilarious to see the reactions). I wouldn’t wish this type of grief on my worse enemy. I am thankful for this post and appreciate all of the comments. They have helped me!

  208. Sam Carter  March 22, 2018 at 11:15 am Reply

    I lost my Dad on 28 April 2014 I know he had been really ill but he seemed to be defying all medical people and just kept going. Then suddenly he wasn’t there anymore. I got the phone call from 2 of my 3 sisters, the other one wasn’t speaking to them so I had to phone her. I tried to make sure she wasn’t alone but she lied to me so then I had to worry about her while trying to ignore my own pain and disbelief. The next couple of weeks went by in a blur. I live 300 miles away from all my family so had to leave the arrangements to them, I am the eldest so I was Dad’s next of kin but had to take a step back. Arrangements couldn’t wait til I got there (I have my own family I needed to organise). When I finally got there I then became mediator between sisters and our mother (who divorced Dad in 1990). The funeral was a nightmare ( a bit like at weddings when you have to be careful who sits next to who) 1 sister didn’t come in til we were all seated she refused to travel with us as a family, she then left before the end we only realised she was there because my daughter happened to spot her. Since then I haven’t heard from any of them. I know we all grieve in our own way and at our own pace but I have spent the best part of my life being peace-maker I can’t do it any more. My mum has not once asked if I am ok she hasn’t tried to help I know she divorced him but I didn’t realise that meant she had divorced me too. I was always really close to Dad while my sister was closer to Mum I know they have always spent a lot of time together and I assume they still do. I think what I am trying to say is that I came to the conclusion that I don’t need them in my life I have an amazing husband and 3 wonderful kids it would be lovely to share my life with my mum and sisters but honestly I don’t need the hassle of trying to remember who is talking to who. I still miss Dad every day even though when he was alive we could go for weeks without speaking at least he was there at the end of a phone. I wish it was still that simple.

  209. Sam Carter  March 22, 2018 at 11:15 am Reply

    I lost my Dad on 28 April 2014 I know he had been really ill but he seemed to be defying all medical people and just kept going. Then suddenly he wasn’t there anymore. I got the phone call from 2 of my 3 sisters, the other one wasn’t speaking to them so I had to phone her. I tried to make sure she wasn’t alone but she lied to me so then I had to worry about her while trying to ignore my own pain and disbelief. The next couple of weeks went by in a blur. I live 300 miles away from all my family so had to leave the arrangements to them, I am the eldest so I was Dad’s next of kin but had to take a step back. Arrangements couldn’t wait til I got there (I have my own family I needed to organise). When I finally got there I then became mediator between sisters and our mother (who divorced Dad in 1990). The funeral was a nightmare ( a bit like at weddings when you have to be careful who sits next to who) 1 sister didn’t come in til we were all seated she refused to travel with us as a family, she then left before the end we only realised she was there because my daughter happened to spot her. Since then I haven’t heard from any of them. I know we all grieve in our own way and at our own pace but I have spent the best part of my life being peace-maker I can’t do it any more. My mum has not once asked if I am ok she hasn’t tried to help I know she divorced him but I didn’t realise that meant she had divorced me too. I was always really close to Dad while my sister was closer to Mum I know they have always spent a lot of time together and I assume they still do. I think what I am trying to say is that I came to the conclusion that I don’t need them in my life I have an amazing husband and 3 wonderful kids it would be lovely to share my life with my mum and sisters but honestly I don’t need the hassle of trying to remember who is talking to who. I still miss Dad every day even though when he was alive we could go for weeks without speaking at least he was there at the end of a phone. I wish it was still that simple.

  210. Evelyn Campbell  March 14, 2018 at 9:59 pm Reply

    While initially I needed & had the love & support of great family & friends….I find I need peace & solitude in equal if not more amounts.
    My husband died after 4weeks/5 days of misdiagnosis…a painful, horrid death. 3 months after I took sepsis and was found to have a lung tumour and massive heart problems due to a congenitive aortic valve which had never been found. My Mum had died at 32 with kidney disease…i was 9, my sister 2 and brother 11. I became Mum…4 years later , living in a troubled N.irish village our home was struck by a rocket and blown up…just my sister & I were in there & escaped with minor injuries although I had to kick the panels out of the front door to escape as back was on fire and ran carrying sister of 6 about 200 yds to my Aunts house while rockets & shooting were ongoing for 12 minutes. We were rehoused about 3 miles away and I knew no one, Dad , bless him spent all his time working to keep us..at 15 I met my husband/lifesaver….I’ve had a lobectomy re-lung tumour and no treatment needed and on june 22nd had an 9hr heart surgery ..new mechanical valve 3 grafts and aneurysm repaired…still one more heart surgery to go ….I would not have had any of this treatment but for my 5 kids and now 6 g’kids but continue to feel I just should have gone to Malachy…life seems empty and pointless…I thought loosing Dad 7 yrs ago was tough but this is hell….

  211. Evelyn Campbell  March 14, 2018 at 9:59 pm Reply

    While initially I needed & had the love & support of great family & friends….I find I need peace & solitude in equal if not more amounts.
    My husband died after 4weeks/5 days of misdiagnosis…a painful, horrid death. 3 months after I took sepsis and was found to have a lung tumour and massive heart problems due to a congenitive aortic valve which had never been found. My Mum had died at 32 with kidney disease…i was 9, my sister 2 and brother 11. I became Mum…4 years later , living in a troubled N.irish village our home was struck by a rocket and blown up…just my sister & I were in there & escaped with minor injuries although I had to kick the panels out of the front door to escape as back was on fire and ran carrying sister of 6 about 200 yds to my Aunts house while rockets & shooting were ongoing for 12 minutes. We were rehoused about 3 miles away and I knew no one, Dad , bless him spent all his time working to keep us..at 15 I met my husband/lifesaver….I’ve had a lobectomy re-lung tumour and no treatment needed and on june 22nd had an 9hr heart surgery ..new mechanical valve 3 grafts and aneurysm repaired…still one more heart surgery to go ….I would not have had any of this treatment but for my 5 kids and now 6 g’kids but continue to feel I just should have gone to Malachy…life seems empty and pointless…I thought loosing Dad 7 yrs ago was tough but this is hell….

  212. Reader  March 13, 2018 at 1:34 pm