64 Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me About Grief

Understanding Grief / Understanding Grief : Litsa Williams


We think about grief a lot around here – we write about types of grief, grief theory, personal reflections, creative expression for coping with grief, practical ideas for managing grief, and on and on and on.  But there are some days that all seems like a lot to take in.  We think back to the basics.  Not the theory stuff, not the ideas about how to cope — just the really basic things that people never tell you about grief.  

So, with your help, that is what we have today — a quick and dirty list of the things we wish we had known about grief before we knew anything about grief.  If it’s in quotes, it is something one of our fabulous readers shared with us on Twitter or Facebook.  If you finish this post and you’re annoyed about all the things we forgot, leave a comment to keep the list going.

I wish someone had told me . . .

1.No matter how prepared you think you are for a death, you can never be fully prepared for the loss and the grief.

2. You can plan for death, but death does not always comply with our wishes or plans.

3. “Stop avoiding and be present”.

4. “Dying is not like you see on TV or in the movies.  It is not peaceful or prepared.  You may not have a spiritual or meaningful moment . . . It’s too real”.

5. A hospital death is not always a bad death.

6. A home death/hospice death is not always a good death.

7. “There will be pressure from others to move on, even minutes or hours after a death, and this can lead to regrets”.

8. “Death is not an emergency – there is always time to step back and take a moment to say goodbye”

9. Death and grief make people uncomfortable, so be prepared for awkward encounters.

10. You will plan the funeral while in a haze.  If you aren’t happy with the funeral you had, have another memorial service later.

11. When people offer support, take them up on it.

 

12. People will bring you food because they don’t know what else to do.  Don’t feel bad throwing it away.

13. People will say stupid, hurtful things without even realizing it.

14. People will tell you things that aren’t true about your grief.

15. Death brings out the best and the worst in families, so be prepared.

16. There is no such thing as closure.

17. There is no timeline for grieving.  You can’t rush it.  You will grieve, in some form, forever.

18. “There will always be regrets.  No matter how much time you had, you’ll always want more”.

19. Guilt is a normal part of grief.

20. Anger is normal part of grief.

21. “The pain of a loss is a reflection of love, but you never regret loving as hard as you can”.

22. Grief can make you question your faith.

23. “Grief doesn’t come in 5 neat stages.  Grief is messy and confusing”.

24. Grief makes you feel like you are going crazy.

 

25. Grief can make you question your life, your purpose, and your goals.  And that isn’t always a bad thing.

26. We all grieve differently, which can create strain and confusion between family members and friends.

 27. “However badly you think it is going to hurt, it is going to be a million times worse”.

 28. You may find comfort in very unexpected places.

29. “You should go somewhere to debrief after caregiving”.

 30. “The last 24 hours of their lives will replay in your mind”.

31. Trying to protect children from death and the emotions of grief isn’t helpful.

32. “It’s sometimes necessary to seek out new ways to grieve on your own, find new guidance if the people who are supposed to be supportive simply haven’t learned how”.

33. “You grieve your past, present, and future with that person”.

34. Big life events and milestones will forever be bittersweet.

 

35. Grief triggers are everywhere – you will see things that remind you of your loved one all over the place, and it may lead to sudden outbursts of emotion.

36. “You lose yourself, your identity, meaning, purpose, values, your trust”.

37. Holidays, anniversaries, and birthdays will be hard forever.

38. People will tell you what you should and shouldn’t feel and how you should and shouldn’t grieve.  Ignore them.

39. “The grief process is about not only mourning the loss, but getting to know yourself as a different person”.

40. There is no normal when it comes to grieving.

41. Sometimes it gets worse before it gets better.

42. “It is normal to feel numb after it happens.  The tears will come. They come in waves”.

43. Grief can make you feel selfish and entitled, and that’s okay (at least for a while).

44. Meeting new people, who never knew the person who died, can be hard and sad.  But eventually it can be nice to “introduce” them through stories and photographs.

45. The practice of sending thank you notes after a funeral is a cruel and unusual tradition.

46.“People love to judge how you are doing.  Watch out for those people”.

 

47. You can’t compare grief or compare losses, though people will try.

48. Any loss you grieve is a valid loss, though people will sometimes make you feel otherwise.

49. “Just because you feel pretty good one day it doesn’t mean you are cured of your grief”.

50. There are many days when you will feel totally and completely alone, whether you are or not.

51. Grief can make you do stupid, crazy things.  They may be what you need at the time time, but you may regret them later.  Cut yourself some slack.

52. Grief can make you a stronger person than you were before.

53. Grief counseling doesn’t mean you’re crazy or weak.

54. It is okay to cry sometimes.

55. It is okay NOT to cry sometimes.

56. “Time does NOT heal all wounds”.

57. “Grief re-writes your address book”. Sometimes the people you think will be there for you are not.  People you never expect become your biggest supporters.

 

58. “You don’t get over it, you just get used to it”.

59. It is okay to tell people when they are not being helpful.

60. Watch your drinking– alcohol can quickly become an unhealthy friend.

61. You will have to face your emotions eventually – you can avoid them for a while, but they will catch up with you in the end.

62. Talking isn’t the only way to express and process emotions.

63. You will never go back to being your “old self”.  Grief changes you and you are never the same.

64. Nothing you do in the future will change your love for the person who died.  Eventually, you will begin to enjoy life again, date again, have another child, seek new experiences, or whatever.  None of these things will diminish your love for the person you lost.

What do you wish someone had told you about grief that we left off the list??  Leave a comment to keep the list going. 

 
 

Let’s be grief friends.

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1,424 Comments on "64 Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me About Grief"

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  1. Linda  June 15, 2020 at 7:47 pm Reply

    People tell you things are going to be OK. They probably will, but even then they will never be the same.

    1
  2. L  June 14, 2020 at 3:07 am Reply

    i lost one of my closest friends to suicide about 10 months ago. i still think about him everyday and miss him just the same; one quote that a counsellor told me that helped describe my grief was “grief is like a hole, it never changes it shape but your life around it grows”. he was young, was to be 18 that year. i had to put down my youngest rabbit due to cancer about 5-6 months after my friend passed away. two different types of grief but they still hurt the same. you definitely are never prepared for the aftermath of death.

    1
  3. Nicole  June 11, 2020 at 11:47 pm Reply

    I just lost my mom on May 21, 2020 to a very short battle with ALS. She was my best friend. We lived together , worked together and spent almost all of our time together. She was only 61. I’m so angry that she’s gone. We had so much to do still. We’d never even been on a vacation together. There were still so many memories to be made, laughs to be had, hugs and kisses to be shared. I quit my job to become her caregiver and we thought we at least had all summer together (her favourite season). We’d just had a ramp built so I could take her outside. She was supposed to see me start nursing school in September and suddenly in the space of 3 weeks she declined so fast. She went into a delirium, extreme pain and then as her POA I had to make the decision to give her a sedated peaceful passing at home. Now the house feels empty. Everything feels wrong. I want to scream all the time and smash things but it scares my partner so I don’t . My brother is mad at me (actually said some pretty nasty things to me and we’ve never even really ever fought before and took off) because my mom and I were joint tenants on the house so now it’s mine (even though I told him he always has a place to live). We have to sell her Jeep (which she worked so hard for) to pay off her debts. Everything is just falling apart around me and I feel like I’m failing everyone and can’t fix anything and I just miss my mom so damn much. She’d know what to do, she always did, but now she’s gone and I’m so lost ?

    1
    • Joseph Chavarria  June 12, 2020 at 2:27 pm Reply

      I’ve never really commented on one of these before, but if it helps, I offer a small helpful statement a compassionate professor once told me, which was to just “do the next right thing.” If the next right thing is sleep, or a hot shower, or a run, or a cry session. Then those are great places to start. If a sale has to take place, or the water bill needs to be paid, or a doctor’s appointment is pending, and you have the strength for that day, then those are also good “right” things. My mother’s death at age 46 left me reeling inside, but I was next-of-kin at 23, and the choices I had to make hurt people tremendously, but there was no stopping that pain, the choices, just like there was no stopping her death. And hurt people , very often, hurt people. Life can only fall apart so much, and having lost your close friend and Mother, I wouldn’t be surprised if some of the stressful items on your to-do list just get crossed off without getting done because you simply have got a new set of priorities that day. For me, a point came when I was done feeling grief AND guilt for the living. Giving myself time and space to acquaint myself with my mother all over again, this time in my memories, my heart, gave me the moments I needed to do….everything. I offer this with sincere hope you’ll feel peace soon, and perhaps smile, maybe laugh maniacally. Grief is ruthless, and so are we. May your grief empower you towards healing and decisive forward motion.

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  7. Rose  May 6, 2020 at 10:56 am Reply

    My dad had me as his next of kin as I was the only one who was there for him and knew his wishes if it should ever come to that. When we had that conversation dad knew I would do everything he wanted and I was happy that he was comforted. The reality of that situation is hands down more HORRIBLE than anyone could ever imagine. I got a call out of the blue from a doctor asking me if they should put my dad on life support after he was rushed to hospital in cardiac arrest. I said yes and drove the 7 hours to be by his side. The next 4 days are a blur where I had to make so many choices without any support and praying for my dad to get better at least to wake up and speak with me. Then on the 5th day when his organs began shutting down i knew what i had to do – what he wanted me to do. So I signed the paperwork and lay beside him holding his hand with my head on his chest while they turned of his life support. I was alone and couldn’t bring myself to leave him. I couldn’t stop the rivers of tears. It was the day of his funeral after it was finished and I was alone in his home when my nightmare began. See my dad had a heartbeat and then I signed some forms and he was dead. I know that I did the right thing and would do it again but my mind has me feeling like I killed my dad.
    I have been diagnosed with PTSD and wouldn’t wish this on anyone.
    So please if you are reading this then please make 2 people in charge of your end of life choices. Even if you think or they say they can handle it- trust me it is too much for 1 person to take on

  8. Tammy Dewberry  May 1, 2020 at 3:28 am Reply

    I lost my husband 6 weeks ago after 33 years. We found out 10 days before he died that he had metastatic pancreatic cancer. We spent many of the last 10 years fighting various unrelated medical issues. This article and the accompanying comments have been very helpful. I feel like I failed him because this cancer snuck up on us after I spent more than a decade fighting for him and his overall health. Most of his last 2 years were pretty good, though. I miss him so much and have so many regrets, especially in the last week or so of his life. I don’t think any of us expected it would happen so fast and I was working hard to prepare for a long fight instead of focusing on you in the moment. I found this post while wondering if my feelings are normal or not. I’ve never been through anything so hard in a life full of hard things. The only thing I would add to this is to keep the traditions your created with your loved one. They lend structure and stability to a life gone crazy and can ground you. I learned that in other trials years ago and only hope it will help me now.

  9. kaitlynn  April 25, 2020 at 8:50 pm Reply

    my grandpa is on his death bed as we speak, in a very peaceful hospice home a couple hours away. ib took off work yesterday and today to say goodbye to him. when i walked in, he was just laying in bed with his eyes closed, sleeping. and he hasnt moved from that position since. i cant get the image out of my head of him just laying there, motionless. i still feel it when i gave him one last hug. he was so frail… id never felt him that thin before. i keep thinking about how i forgot to sing him a song. they said he tapped his feet to songs but… i just forgot to sing to him. ill never be able to sing to him again. ill never be able to hear him say all of his grandpa jokes, or hear him call me smarter than the average bear or see him smile ever again. he wont ever get to eat desert again and he loves to eat. this is my first family death and its hitting me pretty hard. im just tired of crying but i cant stop doing it. my family wants to come hug and comfort me but i just want to be left alone to grieve. i really hope this gets easier. he hasnt even passed yet but i feel like he has already. i wont even get to be there for the ceremony they do when he passes that honors his years of service in the military. i felt so bad crying on him as i hugged him the last time because i know he can hear me but he cant comfort me and that must be killing him inside. i dont even know if he remembers me. he had severe dementia but he unexpectedly had a stroke and they said he should pass in about 3-5 days. its day 4. i didnt know he’d pass away this quickly and i hate that i cant be there with him for every second up until he passes. he was only in his 60’s, and early 60’s at that. im not even religious so i have no faith to comfort me. i only hope that all of his suffering will be put to an end after he goes. i want him to come back so badly but he just cant….. i miss him so much

  10. kaitlynn  April 25, 2020 at 8:50 pm Reply

    my grandpa is on his death bed as we speak, in a very peaceful hospice home a couple hours away. ib took off work yesterday and today to say goodbye to him. when i walked in, he was just laying in bed with his eyes closed, sleeping. and he hasnt moved from that position since. i cant get the image out of my head of him just laying there, motionless. i still feel it when i gave him one last hug. he was so frail… id never felt him that thin before. i keep thinking about how i forgot to sing him a song. they said he tapped his feet to songs but… i just forgot to sing to him. ill never be able to sing to him again. ill never be able to hear him say all of his grandpa jokes, or hear him call me smarter than the average bear or see him smile ever again. he wont ever get to eat desert again and he loves to eat. this is my first family death and its hitting me pretty hard. im just tired of crying but i cant stop doing it. my family wants to come hug and comfort me but i just want to be left alone to grieve. i really hope this gets easier. he hasnt even passed yet but i feel like he has already. i wont even get to be there for the ceremony they do when he passes that honors his years of service in the military. i felt so bad crying on him as i hugged him the last time because i know he can hear me but he cant comfort me and that must be killing him inside. i dont even know if he remembers me. he had severe dementia but he unexpectedly had a stroke and they said he should pass in about 3-5 days. its day 4. i didnt know he’d pass away this quickly and i hate that i cant be there with him for every second up until he passes. he was only in his 60’s, and early 60’s at that. im not even religious so i have no faith to comfort me. i only hope that all of his suffering will be put to an end after he goes. i want him to come back so badly but he just cant….. i miss him so much

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  13. Jzztd  April 24, 2020 at 11:59 am Reply

    I lost my fiancee 3 weeks ago today. He was my best friend, the person whose love was so powerful it changed how I see myself and and how I interact with the world. I did not believe in marriages. But being with him felt so natural and so right that there was no question in my mind to say yes when he asked me to marry him. We were supposed to get married in August. It was going to be a beach wedding with close friends and family, and we had a bet about who would cry first. We both think he would so it wasn’t much of a bet. He was my whole world and my whole heart, and i didn’t get to say goodbye to him.

    People have been asking me everyday how I’ve been, and I don’t know how to answer them. I’m not fine. But I can’t say that because then I’m flooded with “you have to distract yourself” and “he would’ve wanted you to move on” and “you have so much to live for” which is not exactly what I want to hear now.

    I’m going through all the details I know about him constantly, from where his freckles were to the way he parted his hair to how many times he shaved in a week to memorizing his favorite colors, movies, and writing down his fears and his dreams so that I don’t forget.

    I knew him for 6 years. It’s not enough for me and it pains me to write about him in past tense. I would trade so many of my tomorrows just to relive one yesterday with him. To have him sing our song to me, slow-dancing in the kitchen with him kissing the top of my head, to have another one of our silly tickle fights, and to just quietly hug him and feeling like I’m home and everything will be okay because we have each other and somehow that was enough.

    The only thing that keeps me hanging on is the fact that he always said that I was the strongest person he knew, and so I want to prove him right. But for now I’ll cry and I’ll grieve. I’ll grieve the past I’ve had with him, the present that I’m missing with him, and the future I’ll never get to have with him. I miss him, and I’ll always carry his love with me.

  14. Jzztd  April 24, 2020 at 11:59 am Reply

    I lost my fiancee 3 weeks ago today. He was my best friend, the person whose love was so powerful it changed how I see myself and and how I interact with the world. I did not believe in marriages. But being with him felt so natural and so right that there was no question in my mind to say yes when he asked me to marry him. We were supposed to get married in August. It was going to be a beach wedding with close friends and family, and we had a bet about who would cry first. We both think he would so it wasn’t much of a bet. He was my whole world and my whole heart, and i didn’t get to say goodbye to him.

    People have been asking me everyday how I’ve been, and I don’t know how to answer them. I’m not fine. But I can’t say that because then I’m flooded with “you have to distract yourself” and “he would’ve wanted you to move on” and “you have so much to live for” which is not exactly what I want to hear now.

    I’m going through all the details I know about him constantly, from where his freckles were to the way he parted his hair to how many times he shaved in a week to memorizing his favorite colors, movies, and writing down his fears and his dreams so that I don’t forget.

    I knew him for 6 years. It’s not enough for me and it pains me to write about him in past tense. I would trade so many of my tomorrows just to relive one yesterday with him. To have him sing our song to me, slow-dancing in the kitchen with him kissing the top of my head, to have another one of our silly tickle fights, and to just quietly hug him and feeling like I’m home and everything will be okay because we have each other and somehow that was enough.

    The only thing that keeps me hanging on is the fact that he always said that I was the strongest person he knew, and so I want to prove him right. But for now I’ll cry and I’ll grieve. I’ll grieve the past I’ve had with him, the present that I’m missing with him, and the future I’ll never get to have with him. I miss him, and I’ll always carry his love with me.

  15. Palesa  April 15, 2020 at 3:27 pm Reply

    I lost my 12 year old son on the 8th of April, after his 2nd birthday he suffered a brain injury that left him mentally and physically disabled, we have taken care of him all these years, sometimes it was so hard to to take care him and also seeing him suffer broke be every single day. His birthdays were filled with pain and tears, for many years I prayed for his healing and I believed that God would perform a miracle and heal him. Taking care if him( feeding, bathing, changing his nepkins) was hard, at some point I had to accept that he will not get better and maybe death would be the end, but now that he is gone I’m so much pain, I loved my son from the very first day I find out that I was pregnant, even though he couldn’t speak, walk or even see us clearly, my son was a happy soul, he was loving, he loved me without words, I dnt know how to continue, I was so used to the pain of taking care of him, he was my home and my safe place, even though I know he is resting and free of pain now but I’m in pain, I know I have to be strong for my husband and our two kids but I don’t know how.

  16. Palesa  April 15, 2020 at 3:27 pm Reply

    I lost my 12 year old son on the 8th of April, after his 2nd birthday he suffered a brain injury that left him mentally and physically disabled, we have taken care of him all these years, sometimes it was so hard to to take care him and also seeing him suffer broke be every single day. His birthdays were filled with pain and tears, for many years I prayed for his healing and I believed that God would perform a miracle and heal him. Taking care if him( feeding, bathing, changing his nepkins) was hard, at some point I had to accept that he will not get better and maybe death would be the end, but now that he is gone I’m so much pain, I loved my son from the very first day I find out that I was pregnant, even though he couldn’t speak, walk or even see us clearly, my son was a happy soul, he was loving, he loved me without words, I dnt know how to continue, I was so used to the pain of taking care of him, he was my home and my safe place, even though I know he is resting and free of pain now but I’m in pain, I know I have to be strong for my husband and our two kids but I don’t know how.

  17. Julie  April 12, 2020 at 11:50 pm Reply

    I lost my mother to cancer 15 years ago. It was difficult for awhile and emotional. But, a year and a half ago my daughter of 42 years was murdered and I have found this an experience on a level with not much support. It’s just too far off the grid for myself and others. I truly feel as if I have died myself and can not locate myself. I at times feel totally blank and void of any kind of emotion connecting me to life. I go through my days on auto pilot just doing daily life but can only do that for a short time. At some point its as if I’m thrown into a river of rapids and I am swept into a swirl of emotions that I am unable to navigate in. It seems way over my head and I’m drowning with no one to help me. It’s true not all grief is the same and what makes it worse is a society who is very uncomfortable with tragedy and death and avoidance is what happens.
    Perhaps if I were in a larger city where more murders happen there would be a support group but where I am there is not.

  18. Julie  April 12, 2020 at 11:50 pm Reply

    I lost my mother to cancer 15 years ago. It was difficult for awhile and emotional. But, a year and a half ago my daughter of 42 years was murdered and I have found this an experience on a level with not much support. It’s just too far off the grid for myself and others. I truly feel as if I have died myself and can not locate myself. I at times feel totally blank and void of any kind of emotion connecting me to life. I go through my days on auto pilot just doing daily life but can only do that for a short time. At some point its as if I’m thrown into a river of rapids and I am swept into a swirl of emotions that I am unable to navigate in. It seems way over my head and I’m drowning with no one to help me. It’s true not all grief is the same and what makes it worse is a society who is very uncomfortable with tragedy and death and avoidance is what happens.
    Perhaps if I were in a larger city where more murders happen there would be a support group but where I am there is not.

  19. Julie  April 12, 2020 at 11:50 pm Reply

    I lost my mother to cancer 15 years ago. It was difficult for awhile and emotional. But, a year and a half ago my daughter of 42 years was murdered and I have found this an experience on a level with not much support. It’s just too far off the grid for myself and others. I truly feel as if I have died myself and can not locate myself. I at times feel totally blank and void of any kind of emotion connecting me to life. I go through my days on auto pilot just doing daily life but can only do that for a short time. At some point its as if I’m thrown into a river of rapids and I am swept into a swirl of emotions that I am unable to navigate in. It seems way over my head and I’m drowning with no one to help me. It’s true not all grief is the same and what makes it worse is a society who is very uncomfortable with tragedy and death and avoidance is what happens.
    Perhaps if I were in a larger city where more murders happen there would be a support group but where I am there is not.

  20. Florrie  April 10, 2020 at 2:07 am Reply

    Hmm. Subject for a article for sure but. Here
    they are 16mm f/1.4 23mm f/1.4 35mm f/2 56mm f/1.2 18-55 f/2.8-4.0 50-140 f/2.8.
    Contemplating the 80mm macro and the 90mm which is, by far, the best lens they make.

    Cheers

  21. Florrie  April 10, 2020 at 2:07 am Reply

    Hmm. Subject for a article for sure but. Here
    they are 16mm f/1.4 23mm f/1.4 35mm f/2 56mm f/1.2 18-55 f/2.8-4.0 50-140 f/2.8.
    Contemplating the 80mm macro and the 90mm which is, by far, the best lens they make.

    Cheers

  22. Florrie  April 10, 2020 at 2:07 am Reply

    Hmm. Subject for a article for sure but. Here
    they are 16mm f/1.4 23mm f/1.4 35mm f/2 56mm f/1.2 18-55 f/2.8-4.0 50-140 f/2.8.
    Contemplating the 80mm macro and the 90mm which is, by far, the best lens they make.

    Cheers

  23. kim  April 5, 2020 at 2:40 am Reply

    I lost my mom-best friend in 2001 and my son 2018 and now my husband has stage 3 throat cancer I feel myself pushing away from him don’t get me wrong im there for him I just don’t show him the love I use to like I cant wait unti he fall asleep so I can relax why and how can I feel this way I love him I need to turn my feelings again .help

  24. kim  April 5, 2020 at 2:40 am Reply

    I lost my mom-best friend in 2001 and my son 2018 and now my husband has stage 3 throat cancer I feel myself pushing away from him don’t get me wrong im there for him I just don’t show him the love I use to like I cant wait unti he fall asleep so I can relax why and how can I feel this way I love him I need to turn my feelings again .help

  25. kim  April 5, 2020 at 2:40 am Reply

    I lost my mom-best friend in 2001 and my son 2018 and now my husband has stage 3 throat cancer I feel myself pushing away from him don’t get me wrong im there for him I just don’t show him the love I use to like I cant wait unti he fall asleep so I can relax why and how can I feel this way I love him I need to turn my feelings again .help

  26. Jacqueline Darby  April 3, 2020 at 5:33 am Reply

    I lost my mother 23 years ago, we fell out the year before as a family. My sister left it 2 days before contacting me that my mother was in intensive care on a ventilator. When I got there I was told me my mother had been asking for me and my sister knew that. I never got the chance to talk to my mother or say goodbye. It has haunted me every since. As for my father he treated the whole thing as a great piece of theater revealing in the attention the ‘glory of the bereaved husband’ all a lie. He couldn’t wait to get his hands on my mothers money and went on a massive spending spree. The funeral was awful and I vowed to walk away from my sister and father he died 20 years later alone. The thing I find so hard is letting go of the anger I still feel, how much it still hurts when I think of my mother. I barely cried when my father died I found out weeks after his death that he was dead. He got what he deserved and I think my sister will too as all her children have been rejected by her for various reasons. I think we all suffer because of what they did and I wonder if any of us will ever heal as a family. I am 64 now and just can’t let go of the pain and anger and just wish I knew how. There is so much resent in the family I wish I had a magic wand for all of them.

  27. Jacqueline Darby  April 3, 2020 at 5:33 am Reply

    I lost my mother 23 years ago, we fell out the year before as a family. My sister left it 2 days before contacting me that my mother was in intensive care on a ventilator. When I got there I was told me my mother had been asking for me and my sister knew that. I never got the chance to talk to my mother or say goodbye. It has haunted me every since. As for my father he treated the whole thing as a great piece of theater revealing in the attention the ‘glory of the bereaved husband’ all a lie. He couldn’t wait to get his hands on my mothers money and went on a massive spending spree. The funeral was awful and I vowed to walk away from my sister and father he died 20 years later alone. The thing I find so hard is letting go of the anger I still feel, how much it still hurts when I think of my mother. I barely cried when my father died I found out weeks after his death that he was dead. He got what he deserved and I think my sister will too as all her children have been rejected by her for various reasons. I think we all suffer because of what they did and I wonder if any of us will ever heal as a family. I am 64 now and just can’t let go of the pain and anger and just wish I knew how. There is so much resent in the family I wish I had a magic wand for all of them.

  28. Jacqueline Darby  April 3, 2020 at 5:33 am Reply

    I lost my mother 23 years ago, we fell out the year before as a family. My sister left it 2 days before contacting me that my mother was in intensive care on a ventilator. When I got there I was told me my mother had been asking for me and my sister knew that. I never got the chance to talk to my mother or say goodbye. It has haunted me every since. As for my father he treated the whole thing as a great piece of theater revealing in the attention the ‘glory of the bereaved husband’ all a lie. He couldn’t wait to get his hands on my mothers money and went on a massive spending spree. The funeral was awful and I vowed to walk away from my sister and father he died 20 years later alone. The thing I find so hard is letting go of the anger I still feel, how much it still hurts when I think of my mother. I barely cried when my father died I found out weeks after his death that he was dead. He got what he deserved and I think my sister will too as all her children have been rejected by her for various reasons. I think we all suffer because of what they did and I wonder if any of us will ever heal as a family. I am 64 now and just can’t let go of the pain and anger and just wish I knew how. There is so much resent in the family I wish I had a magic wand for all of them.

  29. mya  March 24, 2020 at 10:51 pm Reply

    i lost my bestfriend and boyfriend a month ago on the 15th. every single day is a different battle. he was 16, and i know people say that i dont know what love is but i did. i loved that kid with everything in me. everyone tells me that god has a plan for everything. i just think he was in the wrong car, with the wrong people, at the wrong time. because of one selfish person my whole heart was ripped away from me. i still text him and call his number almost forgetting. im ready to be okay. but i never will be okay again and i have to get past that.

  30. mya  March 24, 2020 at 10:51 pm Reply

    i lost my bestfriend and boyfriend a month ago on the 15th. every single day is a different battle. he was 16, and i know people say that i dont know what love is but i did. i loved that kid with everything in me. everyone tells me that god has a plan for everything. i just think he was in the wrong car, with the wrong people, at the wrong time. because of one selfish person my whole heart was ripped away from me. i still text him and call his number almost forgetting. im ready to be okay. but i never will be okay again and i have to get past that.

  31. mya  March 24, 2020 at 10:51 pm Reply

    i lost my bestfriend and boyfriend a month ago on the 15th. every single day is a different battle. he was 16, and i know people say that i dont know what love is but i did. i loved that kid with everything in me. everyone tells me that god has a plan for everything. i just think he was in the wrong car, with the wrong people, at the wrong time. because of one selfish person my whole heart was ripped away from me. i still text him and call his number almost forgetting. im ready to be okay. but i never will be okay again and i have to get past that.

  32. Zoe Campos  March 24, 2020 at 7:15 pm Reply

    I wish I had read your article before my grandfather passed away. We were very close since my siblings and I grew up in our grandparents’ house and although we settled everything before his death, the part where you mentioned that one can never be really prepared for the loss and grief they’ll be experiencing is really true. We even joked about having his headstone custom-engraved, but the moment I see him in his casket really broke me. I hope our family recovers from our loss in due time.

  33. Zoe Campos  March 24, 2020 at 7:15 pm Reply

    I wish I had read your article before my grandfather passed away. We were very close since my siblings and I grew up in our grandparents’ house and although we settled everything before his death, the part where you mentioned that one can never be really prepared for the loss and grief they’ll be experiencing is really true. We even joked about having his headstone custom-engraved, but the moment I see him in his casket really broke me. I hope our family recovers from our loss in due time.

  34. Zoe Campos  March 24, 2020 at 7:15 pm Reply

    I wish I had read your article before my grandfather passed away. We were very close since my siblings and I grew up in our grandparents’ house and although we settled everything before his death, the part where you mentioned that one can never be really prepared for the loss and grief they’ll be experiencing is really true. We even joked about having his headstone custom-engraved, but the moment I see him in his casket really broke me. I hope our family recovers from our loss in due time.

  35. Molly  March 15, 2020 at 12:05 am Reply

    To all the people who shared their grief, I stand along side with you, as I also have lost a handful of loved ones in my life…to all the people who have shared their grief in relation to losses in their life, not one’s passing necessarily, but rather a broken relationship, etc, I commend you for being courageous enough to speak out…to all the other people whose comments were in annoyance about these losses, and said these people’s comments are not suitable for this forum, shame shame shame…who are you to determine wether a person’s loss, regardless of their situation, is suitable for this forum…these people were brave enough to share, and this might just be the forum where they might get helpful comments from others who may have been in the same situation…grief is grief, whether it is by way of a passing, or someone leaving a persons life, for whatever reason…it even stretches to the loss of a loved pet…I have experienced all three, and what I can tell you, that yes, whilst they are all different experiences of loss, they have all very much brought grief to my life…so to all you “Nancy’s” on this forum, if you don’t like some comments, simply go on to the next one, if you feel it is not suitable to be shared on this forum, be empathetic and keep your thoughts as just that, your thoughts…everyone has the right to share their grief, whatever their case, others also have the right to keep unkind, unnecessary, unhelpful and hurtful comments to themselves, feel free to exercise those rights, because you too, may find yourself in any one of the situations that have been discussed in this forum, and you too, may have people say hurtful things to you as well…be an encourager, a helpmate and a supporter, rather than poo pooing other’s comments, because hurt people, hurt people, don’t be the latter…

  36. Molly  March 15, 2020 at 12:05 am Reply

    To all the people who shared their grief, I stand along side with you, as I also have lost a handful of loved ones in my life…to all the people who have shared their grief in relation to losses in their life, not one’s passing necessarily, but rather a broken relationship, etc, I commend you for being courageous enough to speak out…to all the other people whose comments were in annoyance about these losses, and said these people’s comments are not suitable for this forum, shame shame shame…who are you to determine wether a person’s loss, regardless of their situation, is suitable for this forum…these people were brave enough to share, and this might just be the forum where they might get helpful comments from others who may have been in the same situation…grief is grief, whether it is by way of a passing, or someone leaving a persons life, for whatever reason…it even stretches to the loss of a loved pet…I have experienced all three, and what I can tell you, that yes, whilst they are all different experiences of loss, they have all very much brought grief to my life…so to all you “Nancy’s” on this forum, if you don’t like some comments, simply go on to the next one, if you feel it is not suitable to be shared on this forum, be empathetic and keep your thoughts as just that, your thoughts…everyone has the right to share their grief, whatever their case, others also have the right to keep unkind, unnecessary, unhelpful and hurtful comments to themselves, feel free to exercise those rights, because you too, may find yourself in any one of the situations that have been discussed in this forum, and you too, may have people say hurtful things to you as well…be an encourager, a helpmate and a supporter, rather than poo pooing other’s comments, because hurt people, hurt people, don’t be the latter…

  37. Molly  March 15, 2020 at 12:05 am Reply

    To all the people who shared their grief, I stand along side with you, as I also have lost a handful of loved ones in my life…to all the people who have shared their grief in relation to losses in their life, not one’s passing necessarily, but rather a broken relationship, etc, I commend you for being courageous enough to speak out…to all the other people whose comments were in annoyance about these losses, and said these people’s comments are not suitable for this forum, shame shame shame…who are you to determine wether a person’s loss, regardless of their situation, is suitable for this forum…these people were brave enough to share, and this might just be the forum where they might get helpful comments from others who may have been in the same situation…grief is grief, whether it is by way of a passing, or someone leaving a persons life, for whatever reason…it even stretches to the loss of a loved pet…I have experienced all three, and what I can tell you, that yes, whilst they are all different experiences of loss, they have all very much brought grief to my life…so to all you “Nancy’s” on this forum, if you don’t like some comments, simply go on to the next one, if you feel it is not suitable to be shared on this forum, be empathetic and keep your thoughts as just that, your thoughts…everyone has the right to share their grief, whatever their case, others also have the right to keep unkind, unnecessary, unhelpful and hurtful comments to themselves, feel free to exercise those rights, because you too, may find yourself in any one of the situations that have been discussed in this forum, and you too, may have people say hurtful things to you as well…be an encourager, a helpmate and a supporter, rather than poo pooing other’s comments, because hurt people, hurt people, don’t be the latter…

  38. T Dickerson  March 9, 2020 at 12:11 pm Reply

    I have lost a lot of dearly important people in my life. When I was a senior in high school I lost my 2.5 year old nephew. I had gone to funerals all of my life up until that point. But at that point it felt as if my heart had been ripped out and a hole was etched in my very soul. That was 38 years ago. Unfortunately, his sister was taken from us February 13, 2020. She was 36 years old. Healthy weight. Healthy eater. Educated. Wonderful wife and mother of 3. She had flu-like symptoms on a Friday. By the next Wednesday they were measuring brainwaves. She didn’t make it. I had just moved back home to Indy in 2017 because my Momma was suffering from stage 5 (or so) of Alzheimer’s. My niece had become more than my niece. She became my friend. We talked daily. We talked life, dreams, hopes, nutrition, “This Is Us!” I could not fathom that she was gone. Six days after her burial my Momma succumbed to Alzheimer’s. 2019 was not kind to us. The process of grief that is not often talked about is how painful it is that people compartmentalize their condolences/support. And how you deal with this.

    What I mean is that when my niece died she had a sizable group of friends because she was in a sorority. They were a large part of the funeral, helped plan memorial activities for her, etc. And they expended a great amount of energy consoling my sister. The problem is/was that my niece and my sister had a tense and contentious relationship. My sister and I were living together as she was helping me with our mother. However, my niece spent all of her time when she came over with me. When she died, I felt slighted. This made me angry. This didn’t help my sister’s and my relationship. She seemed to bask in the attention. And she needed it. I had to take a step back and it brought some clarity to how I offered support to others at such a time as death. My niece had a husband, children, cousins, aunts, uncles, friends. We all needed support.

    When my mother died just weeks later, I remembered how I felt when my niece died. I worked to ensure that there were little messages of “I’m more hurt” taking place. I was in charge of the obituary. I made sure that her children, grandchildren, and her great and great great grandchildren each had a page with pictures of them with Momma. I even had a picture of her with my cousin. When he saw it he was visibly moved! I refused to even get a courtesy car from the funeral home. I felt that the message sent was “I am grieving so much that I can’t even drive” and “the rest of ya’ll get to the funeral the best way you can!” This actually caused an argument between my sister and I. When I explained it to my nieces, they got it. They had just lost their grandmother. They were important, too. I explained how I felt after losing my niece and they got it even more. They had lost their cousin. Their friend.

    Bottomline: Grief is already a messy, complicated, fact of life. We don’t need to heap more mess and complication onto the living if we have the power to prevent it. I have talked to several of my niece’s sorority sisters about my feelings. They get it. We have smoothed things over and have moved on. When they show up to events to support my niece’s children, I make sure they meet her cousins and know that they were important to her. They know this. They have family. We just forget. I don’t ever want to forget. It has actually helped my healing….or my dealing.

  39. T Dickerson  March 9, 2020 at 12:11 pm Reply

    I have lost a lot of dearly important people in my life. When I was a senior in high school I lost my 2.5 year old nephew. I had gone to funerals all of my life up until that point. But at that point it felt as if my heart had been ripped out and a hole was etched in my very soul. That was 38 years ago. Unfortunately, his sister was taken from us February 13, 2020. She was 36 years old. Healthy weight. Healthy eater. Educated. Wonderful wife and mother of 3. She had flu-like symptoms on a Friday. By the next Wednesday they were measuring brainwaves. She didn’t make it. I had just moved back home to Indy in 2017 because my Momma was suffering from stage 5 (or so) of Alzheimer’s. My niece had become more than my niece. She became my friend. We talked daily. We talked life, dreams, hopes, nutrition, “This Is Us!” I could not fathom that she was gone. Six days after her burial my Momma succumbed to Alzheimer’s. 2019 was not kind to us. The process of grief that is not often talked about is how painful it is that people compartmentalize their condolences/support. And how you deal with this.

    What I mean is that when my niece died she had a sizable group of friends because she was in a sorority. They were a large part of the funeral, helped plan memorial activities for her, etc. And they expended a great amount of energy consoling my sister. The problem is/was that my niece and my sister had a tense and contentious relationship. My sister and I were living together as she was helping me with our mother. However, my niece spent all of her time when she came over with me. When she died, I felt slighted. This made me angry. This didn’t help my sister’s and my relationship. She seemed to bask in the attention. And she needed it. I had to take a step back and it brought some clarity to how I offered support to others at such a time as death. My niece had a husband, children, cousins, aunts, uncles, friends. We all needed support.

    When my mother died just weeks later, I remembered how I felt when my niece died. I worked to ensure that there were little messages of “I’m more hurt” taking place. I was in charge of the obituary. I made sure that her children, grandchildren, and her great and great great grandchildren each had a page with pictures of them with Momma. I even had a picture of her with my cousin. When he saw it he was visibly moved! I refused to even get a courtesy car from the funeral home. I felt that the message sent was “I am grieving so much that I can’t even drive” and “the rest of ya’ll get to the funeral the best way you can!” This actually caused an argument between my sister and I. When I explained it to my nieces, they got it. They had just lost their grandmother. They were important, too. I explained how I felt after losing my niece and they got it even more. They had lost their cousin. Their friend.

    Bottomline: Grief is already a messy, complicated, fact of life. We don’t need to heap more mess and complication onto the living if we have the power to prevent it. I have talked to several of my niece’s sorority sisters about my feelings. They get it. We have smoothed things over and have moved on. When they show up to events to support my niece’s children, I make sure they meet her cousins and know that they were important to her. They know this. They have family. We just forget. I don’t ever want to forget. It has actually helped my healing….or my dealing.

  40. T Dickerson  March 9, 2020 at 12:11 pm Reply

    I have lost a lot of dearly important people in my life. When I was a senior in high school I lost my 2.5 year old nephew. I had gone to funerals all of my life up until that point. But at that point it felt as if my heart had been ripped out and a hole was etched in my very soul. That was 38 years ago. Unfortunately, his sister was taken from us February 13, 2020. She was 36 years old. Healthy weight. Healthy eater. Educated. Wonderful wife and mother of 3. She had flu-like symptoms on a Friday. By the next Wednesday they were measuring brainwaves. She didn’t make it. I had just moved back home to Indy in 2017 because my Momma was suffering from stage 5 (or so) of Alzheimer’s. My niece had become more than my niece. She became my friend. We talked daily. We talked life, dreams, hopes, nutrition, “This Is Us!” I could not fathom that she was gone. Six days after her burial my Momma succumbed to Alzheimer’s. 2019 was not kind to us. The process of grief that is not often talked about is how painful it is that people compartmentalize their condolences/support. And how you deal with this.

    What I mean is that when my niece died she had a sizable group of friends because she was in a sorority. They were a large part of the funeral, helped plan memorial activities for her, etc. And they expended a great amount of energy consoling my sister. The problem is/was that my niece and my sister had a tense and contentious relationship. My sister and I were living together as she was helping me with our mother. However, my niece spent all of her time when she came over with me. When she died, I felt slighted. This made me angry. This didn’t help my sister’s and my relationship. She seemed to bask in the attention. And she needed it. I had to take a step back and it brought some clarity to how I offered support to others at such a time as death. My niece had a husband, children, cousins, aunts, uncles, friends. We all needed support.

    When my mother died just weeks later, I remembered how I felt when my niece died. I worked to ensure that there were little messages of “I’m more hurt” taking place. I was in charge of the obituary. I made sure that her children, grandchildren, and her great and great great grandchildren each had a page with pictures of them with Momma. I even had a picture of her with my cousin. When he saw it he was visibly moved! I refused to even get a courtesy car from the funeral home. I felt that the message sent was “I am grieving so much that I can’t even drive” and “the rest of ya’ll get to the funeral the best way you can!” This actually caused an argument between my sister and I. When I explained it to my nieces, they got it. They had just lost their grandmother. They were important, too. I explained how I felt after losing my niece and they got it even more. They had lost their cousin. Their friend.

    Bottomline: Grief is already a messy, complicated, fact of life. We don’t need to heap more mess and complication onto the living if we have the power to prevent it. I have talked to several of my niece’s sorority sisters about my feelings. They get it. We have smoothed things over and have moved on. When they show up to events to support my niece’s children, I make sure they meet her cousins and know that they were important to her. They know this. They have family. We just forget. I don’t ever want to forget. It has actually helped my healing….or my dealing.

  41. Donna  February 25, 2020 at 6:04 pm Reply

    That sometimes you will feel that NO ONE understands. No one understand just how severe the loss is — Especially if you had a dual relationship with that person. My person served as my best friend/son/brother – all in one. So I feel NO ONE understands the gravity of my loss. No one understands that a part of me died too.

  42. Donna  February 25, 2020 at 6:04 pm Reply

    That sometimes you will feel that NO ONE understands. No one understand just how severe the loss is — Especially if you had a dual relationship with that person. My person served as my best friend/son/brother – all in one. So I feel NO ONE understands the gravity of my loss. No one understands that a part of me died too.

  43. Donna  February 25, 2020 at 6:04 pm Reply

    That sometimes you will feel that NO ONE understands. No one understand just how severe the loss is — Especially if you had a dual relationship with that person. My person served as my best friend/son/brother – all in one. So I feel NO ONE understands the gravity of my loss. No one understands that a part of me died too.

    • AR  February 26, 2020 at 5:34 am Reply

      Donna, I am sorry for your loss and I understand how you feel. I lost my best friend and I feel the same. A part of me died with her too and nobody seems to understand how deeply it hurts.. Wish you all the best.

  44. Charlotte Greenwood  February 22, 2020 at 7:59 am Reply

    I lost my partner, he was 39.heart attack.
    That was almost a year ago in march.
    Since then iv gone through every text book emotion. But recently, these last 3 months I’ve started buying lots of guinea pigs. Iv got 7 now and one is pregnant. Am i having a breakdown. Im detached from people, and am very antisocial.

  45. Charlotte Greenwood  February 22, 2020 at 7:59 am Reply

    I lost my partner, he was 39.heart attack.
    That was almost a year ago in march.
    Since then iv gone through every text book emotion. But recently, these last 3 months I’ve started buying lots of guinea pigs. Iv got 7 now and one is pregnant. Am i having a breakdown. Im detached from people, and am very antisocial.

  46. Charlotte Greenwood  February 22, 2020 at 7:59 am Reply

    I lost my partner, he was 39.heart attack.
    That was almost a year ago in march.
    Since then iv gone through every text book emotion. But recently, these last 3 months I’ve started buying lots of guinea pigs. Iv got 7 now and one is pregnant. Am i having a breakdown. Im detached from people, and am very antisocial.

  47. Skylar Bratton  February 20, 2020 at 10:49 am Reply

    My grandma died Jan,27,19 and i miss her still to this and i regret a lot of things and i miss her,i miss the i love yous and hugs/kisses she was my grandma i just wish she was still here but i know she is in a better place at gods feet.

  48. Skylar Bratton  February 20, 2020 at 10:49 am Reply

    My grandma died Jan,27,19 and i miss her still to this and i regret a lot of things and i miss her,i miss the i love yous and hugs/kisses she was my grandma i just wish she was still here but i know she is in a better place at gods feet.

  49. Skylar Bratton  February 20, 2020 at 10:49 am Reply

    My grandma died Jan,27,19 and i miss her still to this and i regret a lot of things and i miss her,i miss the i love yous and hugs/kisses she was my grandma i just wish she was still here but i know she is in a better place at gods feet.

  50. Sharon  February 19, 2020 at 11:52 pm Reply

    I lost my husband 5 weeks ago. I don’t know how to answer people’s question “how are you doing?” I’m lying if I say “fine” and feel like I’m asking for sympathy if I say “I’m not okay.” I have cried every single day since he passed.

  51. Sharon  February 19, 2020 at 11:52 pm Reply

    I lost my husband 5 weeks ago. I don’t know how to answer people’s question “how are you doing?” I’m lying if I say “fine” and feel like I’m asking for sympathy if I say “I’m not okay.” I have cried every single day since he passed.

  52. Sharon  February 19, 2020 at 11:52 pm Reply

    I lost my husband 5 weeks ago. I don’t know how to answer people’s question “how are you doing?” I’m lying if I say “fine” and feel like I’m asking for sympathy if I say “I’m not okay.” I have cried every single day since he passed.

    • Debbie  February 29, 2020 at 10:54 am Reply

      Lost my dad recently from cardiac arrest. Mum was at his side when he passed on. Spent 2 weeks home trying to be strong for mum through the wake, funeral, post-funeral. Back to work in another city 2 hours away. I have my crying episodes I don’t tell mum about. I wonder how she is coping. If she cries every night she isn’t telling anyone. We grieve so privately on our own but maybe it’s better to share.

  53. Heather  February 18, 2020 at 11:25 pm Reply

    My son was killed 8 months ago. Every day is pain. He was 18 and at the start of his very beautiful life. His friends played a party game and tried to cover it up by saying he committed suicide. Every day I try to remember anything other than the screaming in the hospital, the day we removed him from life support, the holding him for the last time. If this is what it feels like to lose half my heart, who would want to live like this?

  54. Heather  February 18, 2020 at 11:25 pm Reply

    My son was killed 8 months ago. Every day is pain. He was 18 and at the start of his very beautiful life. His friends played a party game and tried to cover it up by saying he committed suicide. Every day I try to remember anything other than the screaming in the hospital, the day we removed him from life support, the holding him for the last time. If this is what it feels like to lose half my heart, who would want to live like this?

  55. Heather  February 18, 2020 at 11:25 pm Reply

    My son was killed 8 months ago. Every day is pain. He was 18 and at the start of his very beautiful life. His friends played a party game and tried to cover it up by saying he committed suicide. Every day I try to remember anything other than the screaming in the hospital, the day we removed him from life support, the holding him for the last time. If this is what it feels like to lose half my heart, who would want to live like this?

    1
  56. Vickie  February 11, 2020 at 1:08 am Reply

    It’s ok to be ok with their choice…when they decide that death is better than being in unresolved pain…when no matter how many times they tried to get help, to get well, to change, to not disappoint their loved ones…and they just couldn’t. It doesn’t mean we don’t love them, or that we love them less, or that their life, and death, didn’t matter, just because we are able to say, “I know you were tired of struggling. I know you were hurting and tired. I know you felt this was the best choice. I know you thought we would be ok if you did this.” Mind you, *others* will not be ok with you being ok about this. They won’t understand…how could you possibly accept this “choice?”

    Of course we wish it weren’t so. Of course we wish that just once, their efforts had ended in a Win for them…instead of a Loss for us. Of course we wonder “what if…” Of course we miss them, unbearably sometimes, and faintly in others, in those moments, all the moments, that remind us most of them. Sometimes we don’t need to ask why…because we already know. And that’s ok, too.

  57. Vickie  February 11, 2020 at 1:08 am Reply

    It’s ok to be ok with their choice…when they decide that death is better than being in unresolved pain…when no matter how many times they tried to get help, to get well, to change, to not disappoint their loved ones…and they just couldn’t. It doesn’t mean we don’t love them, or that we love them less, or that their life, and death, didn’t matter, just because we are able to say, “I know you were tired of struggling. I know you were hurting and tired. I know you felt this was the best choice. I know you thought we would be ok if you did this.” Mind you, *others* will not be ok with you being ok about this. They won’t understand…how could you possibly accept this “choice?”

    Of course we wish it weren’t so. Of course we wish that just once, their efforts had ended in a Win for them…instead of a Loss for us. Of course we wonder “what if…” Of course we miss them, unbearably sometimes, and faintly in others, in those moments, all the moments, that remind us most of them. Sometimes we don’t need to ask why…because we already know. And that’s ok, too.

  58. Vickie  February 11, 2020 at 1:08 am Reply

    It’s ok to be ok with their choice…when they decide that death is better than being in unresolved pain…when no matter how many times they tried to get help, to get well, to change, to not disappoint their loved ones…and they just couldn’t. It doesn’t mean we don’t love them, or that we love them less, or that their life, and death, didn’t matter, just because we are able to say, “I know you were tired of struggling. I know you were hurting and tired. I know you felt this was the best choice. I know you thought we would be ok if you did this.” Mind you, *others* will not be ok with you being ok about this. They won’t understand…how could you possibly accept this “choice?”

    Of course we wish it weren’t so. Of course we wish that just once, their efforts had ended in a Win for them…instead of a Loss for us. Of course we wonder “what if…” Of course we miss them, unbearably sometimes, and faintly in others, in those moments, all the moments, that remind us most of them. Sometimes we don’t need to ask why…because we already know. And that’s ok, too.

  59. James Taylor  February 8, 2020 at 5:08 am Reply

    Lost a loved one 6 1/2 months ago and l’ve been devastated since. Had a few good days but now it’s worse. Live in a crappy apartment. Put in my 30 day notice few days ago. Funny thing is I’m glad I’m getting out of here but have nowhere to go. But l hate where l live. Still grieving over my loss. Looking back on my life and realized l been through quite a bit. Issues from when l was little boy. Abuse. Suffer from self hate, I hate myself. I’m stupid, failed in school, jobs. I’m ugly. Afraid to talk to women because l fear rejection. So many things l hate about myself. Tired of being depressed, sad, angry and all. I wish l was dead. I’m a broken man. I wish l could go to sleep and never wake up. Best thing that can happen to me right now. If l was to go out and hit with a stray bullet i wouldn’t care. Don’t want sympathy, pity or nothing like that. People can be so cruel so why bother anyways. Only thing that hold me back from killing myself is wondering if where i go would be worse than where i’m at now. But I doubt if anything can be worse than where i’m at now being sad, dealing with the loss of my mother. People say you get over it, get through it but you never really do. I’m just tired of fighting, waking up everyday..I just wanna GO! I tried therapy and it doesn’t work for me. Happiness is a distant memory. The only bright light is death. I know death is forever, no coming back from it but we all gotta go eventually so why fight it

    • Tom’s Mom  February 8, 2020 at 6:01 pm Reply

      Your comments hit me hard. I feel your pain . I lost my son , he was 26 , he was my hope and my joy . As a mom , I want to tell you this ; she would want you to live and live fully ! The pain is always there , you can get through it . You are a person of value and in spite of all you said , you are worthwhile . Find a way deep inside you to go on for her , and take good care of yourself . You are loved and thought of .

  60. James Taylor  February 8, 2020 at 5:08 am Reply

    Lost a loved one 6 1/2 months ago and l’ve been devastated since. Had a few good days but now it’s worse. Live in a crappy apartment. Put in my 30 day notice few days ago. Funny thing is I’m glad I’m getting out of here but have nowhere to go. But l hate where l live. Still grieving over my loss. Looking back on my life and realized l been through quite a bit. Issues from when l was little boy. Abuse. Suffer from self hate, I hate myself. I’m stupid, failed in school, jobs. I’m ugly. Afraid to talk to women because l fear rejection. So many things l hate about myself. Tired of being depressed, sad, angry and all. I wish l was dead. I’m a broken man. I wish l could go to sleep and never wake up. Best thing that can happen to me right now. If l was to go out and hit with a stray bullet i wouldn’t care. Don’t want sympathy, pity or nothing like that. People can be so cruel so why bother anyways. Only thing that hold me back from killing myself is wondering if where i go would be worse than where i’m at now. But I doubt if anything can be worse than where i’m at now being sad, dealing with the loss of my mother. People say you get over it, get through it but you never really do. I’m just tired of fighting, waking up everyday..I just wanna GO! I tried therapy and it doesn’t work for me. Happiness is a distant memory. The only bright light is death. I know death is forever, no coming back from it but we all gotta go eventually so why fight it

    • Tom’s Mom  February 8, 2020 at 6:01 pm Reply

      Your comments hit me hard. I feel your pain . I lost my son , he was 26 , he was my hope and my joy . As a mom , I want to tell you this ; she would want you to live and live fully ! The pain is always there , you can get through it . You are a person of value and in spite of all you said , you are worthwhile . Find a way deep inside you to go on for her , and take good care of yourself . You are loved and thought of .

  61. James Taylor  February 8, 2020 at 5:08 am Reply

    Lost a loved one 6 1/2 months ago and l’ve been devastated since. Had a few good days but now it’s worse. Live in a crappy apartment. Put in my 30 day notice few days ago. Funny thing is I’m glad I’m getting out of here but have nowhere to go. But l hate where l live. Still grieving over my loss. Looking back on my life and realized l been through quite a bit. Issues from when l was little boy. Abuse. Suffer from self hate, I hate myself. I’m stupid, failed in school, jobs. I’m ugly. Afraid to talk to women because l fear rejection. So many things l hate about myself. Tired of being depressed, sad, angry and all. I wish l was dead. I’m a broken man. I wish l could go to sleep and never wake up. Best thing that can happen to me right now. If l was to go out and hit with a stray bullet i wouldn’t care. Don’t want sympathy, pity or nothing like that. People can be so cruel so why bother anyways. Only thing that hold me back from killing myself is wondering if where i go would be worse than where i’m at now. But I doubt if anything can be worse than where i’m at now being sad, dealing with the loss of my mother. People say you get over it, get through it but you never really do. I’m just tired of fighting, waking up everyday..I just wanna GO! I tried therapy and it doesn’t work for me. Happiness is a distant memory. The only bright light is death. I know death is forever, no coming back from it but we all gotta go eventually so why fight it

    • Tom’s Mom  February 8, 2020 at 6:01 pm Reply

      Your comments hit me hard. I feel your pain . I lost my son , he was 26 , he was my hope and my joy . As a mom , I want to tell you this ; she would want you to live and live fully ! The pain is always there , you can get through it . You are a person of value and in spite of all you said , you are worthwhile . Find a way deep inside you to go on for her , and take good care of yourself . You are loved and thought of .

    • Judy  February 21, 2020 at 7:04 pm Reply

      Friend you don’t know me but I read ur remarks I’m sorry ur feeling so bad my dad died two weeks ago but I remember all the good memories I know it’s going to take some time pls hold on.

    • Nunia  February 23, 2020 at 9:42 pm Reply

      Hi James,
      I am so sorry for your loss and the profound sadness you are experiencing. I think you are worth it and beautiful inspite of all this suffering.. (I suffer greatly too). Sometimes you’re at the mercy of your own body, and it’s not quite yours.

  62. Hope  February 6, 2020 at 10:41 pm Reply

    My grandad just died not even a dy ago. They forgot to mention (As a 13 year old girl whose vocabulary is 53% curse words) GRIEF IS A PAIN IN THE ASS, AND IT IS OKAY TO CRY AT NOTHING, BUT IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT UNLESS YOU HAVE KILLED THE PERSON, FEEL BETTER. I AM SENDING YOU ALL VIRTUAL HUGS.

  63. Hope  February 6, 2020 at 10:41 pm Reply

    My grandad just died not even a dy ago. They forgot to mention (As a 13 year old girl whose vocabulary is 53% curse words) GRIEF IS A PAIN IN THE ASS, AND IT IS OKAY TO CRY AT NOTHING, BUT IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT UNLESS YOU HAVE KILLED THE PERSON, FEEL BETTER. I AM SENDING YOU ALL VIRTUAL HUGS.

  64. Hope  February 6, 2020 at 10:41 pm Reply

    My grandad just died not even a dy ago. They forgot to mention (As a 13 year old girl whose vocabulary is 53% curse words) GRIEF IS A PAIN IN THE ASS, AND IT IS OKAY TO CRY AT NOTHING, BUT IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT UNLESS YOU HAVE KILLED THE PERSON, FEEL BETTER. I AM SENDING YOU ALL VIRTUAL HUGS.

  65. AR  January 28, 2020 at 5:59 am Reply

    My best friend died in 2018 in a car accident. She was only 32 and had been my best friend for more than 20 years. I miss her every single day and I am sure time won`t make the pain go away. I obviously have good and bad days, but something has changed forever. It feels like a part of my heart is missing and I can feel the emptiness somehow even when I am “happy” or when I am supposed to be happy. I wish people could understand more how much the death of a best friend can hurt. I feel really lonely not just because I loved her deeply but also because she was that one person who supported me whenever I was in pain. .. It´s ironic that the only person that could help me to get through all this suffering is the one I can not reach now, no matter what I do. I know people always judge grief, but I feel like they understand more when you`ve lost a relative. A lost of a best friend is in some sort of limbo…It feels like the only person who could really understand the bond I had with my best friend is the friend who passed away. So, I find myself sometimes trying to justify my grief as if I didn`t have the right to suffer as much as her family, when I`ve loved her deeply since our childhood. It turns out grief is what it is: all feelings are okay and it`s unique for each person. People should stop being so judgmental and be more empathetic.

  66. AR  January 28, 2020 at 5:59 am Reply

    My best friend died in 2018 in a car accident. She was only 32 and had been my best friend for more than 20 years. I miss her every single day and I am sure time won`t make the pain go away. I obviously have good and bad days, but something has changed forever. It feels like a part of my heart is missing and I can feel the emptiness somehow even when I am “happy” or when I am supposed to be happy. I wish people could understand more how much the death of a best friend can hurt. I feel really lonely not just because I loved her deeply but also because she was that one person who supported me whenever I was in pain. .. It´s ironic that the only person that could help me to get through all this suffering is the one I can not reach now, no matter what I do. I know people always judge grief, but I feel like they understand more when you`ve lost a relative. A lost of a best friend is in some sort of limbo…It feels like the only person who could really understand the bond I had with my best friend is the friend who passed away. So, I find myself sometimes trying to justify my grief as if I didn`t have the right to suffer as much as her family, when I`ve loved her deeply since our childhood. It turns out grief is what it is: all feelings are okay and it`s unique for each person. People should stop being so judgmental and be more empathetic.

  67. AR  January 28, 2020 at 5:59 am Reply

    My best friend died in 2018 in a car accident. She was only 32 and had been my best friend for more than 20 years. I miss her every single day and I am sure time won`t make the pain go away. I obviously have good and bad days, but something has changed forever. It feels like a part of my heart is missing and I can feel the emptiness somehow even when I am “happy” or when I am supposed to be happy. I wish people could understand more how much the death of a best friend can hurt. I feel really lonely not just because I loved her deeply but also because she was that one person who supported me whenever I was in pain. .. It´s ironic that the only person that could help me to get through all this suffering is the one I can not reach now, no matter what I do. I know people always judge grief, but I feel like they understand more when you`ve lost a relative. A lost of a best friend is in some sort of limbo…It feels like the only person who could really understand the bond I had with my best friend is the friend who passed away. So, I find myself sometimes trying to justify my grief as if I didn`t have the right to suffer as much as her family, when I`ve loved her deeply since our childhood. It turns out grief is what it is: all feelings are okay and it`s unique for each person. People should stop being so judgmental and be more empathetic.

    • Hana  February 3, 2020 at 4:57 pm Reply

      Joy… thank you for writing this, it’s resonated with me deeply. I’m grieving the loss of my best friend. He died almost a year ago and I couldn’t get time off work at the time because “he wasn’t a family member.” It felt like a punch in the face. I’m sorry for your loss… I’m hurting with you. My deepest condolences.

    • cat Woodward  February 14, 2020 at 10:26 am Reply

      I feel the same. I’m hurting and the one person that I would talk to about it is gone

  68. AR  January 27, 2020 at 8:50 am Reply

    My best friend died in 2018 in a car accident. She was only 32 and had been my best friend for more than 20 years. I miss her every single day and I am sure time won`t make the pain go away. You obviously have good and bad days, but something just changed forever. It feels like a part of my heart is missing and I can feel the emptiness somehow even when I are “happy” ou when I am supposed to be happy. I wish people could understand more how much the death a best friend can hurt. I feel really lonely not just because I loved her deeply but also because she was that one person who supported me whenever I was in pain. .. It´s ironic that the only person that could help me to get through all this suffering is the one I can not reach now, no matter what I do. I know people always judge grief, but I feel like they understand more when you`ve lost a relative. A lost of a best friend is in some sort of limbo…It feels like the only person who could really understand the bond you had with your best friend is the friend who passed away. So, I found myself sometimes trying to justify my grief all as if I didn`t have the right to suffer as much as her family, when I`ve loved her deeply since our childhood. It turns out grief is what it is: all feelings are okay and it`s unique of each person. People should stop being so judgmental and be more empathetic.

  69. AR  January 27, 2020 at 8:50 am Reply

    My best friend died in 2018 in a car accident. She was only 32 and had been my best friend for more than 20 years. I miss her every single day and I am sure time won`t make the pain go away. You obviously have good and bad days, but something just changed forever. It feels like a part of my heart is missing and I can feel the emptiness somehow even when I are “happy” ou when I am supposed to be happy. I wish people could understand more how much the death a best friend can hurt. I feel really lonely not just because I loved her deeply but also because she was that one person who supported me whenever I was in pain. .. It´s ironic that the only person that could help me to get through all this suffering is the one I can not reach now, no matter what I do. I know people always judge grief, but I feel like they understand more when you`ve lost a relative. A lost of a best friend is in some sort of limbo…It feels like the only person who could really understand the bond you had with your best friend is the friend who passed away. So, I found myself sometimes trying to justify my grief all as if I didn`t have the right to suffer as much as her family, when I`ve loved her deeply since our childhood. It turns out grief is what it is: all feelings are okay and it`s unique of each person. People should stop being so judgmental and be more empathetic.

  70. AR  January 27, 2020 at 8:50 am Reply

    My best friend died in 2018 in a car accident. She was only 32 and had been my best friend for more than 20 years. I miss her every single day and I am sure time won`t make the pain go away. You obviously have good and bad days, but something just changed forever. It feels like a part of my heart is missing and I can feel the emptiness somehow even when I are “happy” ou when I am supposed to be happy. I wish people could understand more how much the death a best friend can hurt. I feel really lonely not just because I loved her deeply but also because she was that one person who supported me whenever I was in pain. .. It´s ironic that the only person that could help me to get through all this suffering is the one I can not reach now, no matter what I do. I know people always judge grief, but I feel like they understand more when you`ve lost a relative. A lost of a best friend is in some sort of limbo…It feels like the only person who could really understand the bond you had with your best friend is the friend who passed away. So, I found myself sometimes trying to justify my grief all as if I didn`t have the right to suffer as much as her family, when I`ve loved her deeply since our childhood. It turns out grief is what it is: all feelings are okay and it`s unique of each person. People should stop being so judgmental and be more empathetic.

  71. Jose  January 22, 2020 at 2:38 pm Reply

    I lost my beloved maternal grandmother about two months ago, yesterday it would have been her 91st birthday. I love her dearly, and I miss her so much every day, every little detail reminds me of her. It is all so much harder since I am far away from my country, studying abroad. In fact, the news of her passing got me here, and for me it was impossible to go to her funeral since it was quite unexpected. Needless to say I still feel guilty of not having been there, angry with myself for being so far away from her when her condition began to worsen. I have exams coming but some days are just plain dark for me as I feel like I no longer care about anything, I can’t really focus nor get good grades as I used to. On the bright side I guess I can count myself lucky since I have lovely parents; in addition, my mom and I share a very special connection and I know she is also very affected, since I am her only child and we are so far away. I know time will help but it is just so hard. I know what I feel is okay and I can cope with it so far but I can’t wait till the day I go back to be with my mom again and go through this pain together. Wishing you all the best while going through this process, I thank you for this space to at least vent out a bit of what I’m feeling. I apologize if something is not clear, as english is not my mother tongue.

  72. Jose  January 22, 2020 at 2:38 pm Reply

    I lost my beloved maternal grandmother about two months ago, yesterday it would have been her 91st birthday. I love her dearly, and I miss her so much every day, every little detail reminds me of her. It is all so much harder since I am far away from my country, studying abroad. In fact, the news of her passing got me here, and for me it was impossible to go to her funeral since it was quite unexpected. Needless to say I still feel guilty of not having been there, angry with myself for being so far away from her when her condition began to worsen. I have exams coming but some days are just plain dark for me as I feel like I no longer care about anything, I can’t really focus nor get good grades as I used to. On the bright side I guess I can count myself lucky since I have lovely parents; in addition, my mom and I share a very special connection and I know she is also very affected, since I am her only child and we are so far away. I know time will help but it is just so hard. I know what I feel is okay and I can cope with it so far but I can’t wait till the day I go back to be with my mom again and go through this pain together. Wishing you all the best while going through this process, I thank you for this space to at least vent out a bit of what I’m feeling. I apologize if something is not clear, as english is not my mother tongue.

  73. Jose  January 22, 2020 at 2:38 pm Reply

    I lost my beloved maternal grandmother about two months ago, yesterday it would have been her 91st birthday. I love her dearly, and I miss her so much every day, every little detail reminds me of her. It is all so much harder since I am far away from my country, studying abroad. In fact, the news of her passing got me here, and for me it was impossible to go to her funeral since it was quite unexpected. Needless to say I still feel guilty of not having been there, angry with myself for being so far away from her when her condition began to worsen. I have exams coming but some days are just plain dark for me as I feel like I no longer care about anything, I can’t really focus nor get good grades as I used to. On the bright side I guess I can count myself lucky since I have lovely parents; in addition, my mom and I share a very special connection and I know she is also very affected, since I am her only child and we are so far away. I know time will help but it is just so hard. I know what I feel is okay and I can cope with it so far but I can’t wait till the day I go back to be with my mom again and go through this pain together. Wishing you all the best while going through this process, I thank you for this space to at least vent out a bit of what I’m feeling. I apologize if something is not clear, as english is not my mother tongue.

  74. Jan  January 16, 2020 at 11:56 am Reply

    After losing two friends to a horrible murder while I was in high school I could not find my smile or my happy place again. I felt guilty. I wish someone would have told me that it was OK to be happy again. It was not a betrayal.

  75. Jan  January 16, 2020 at 11:56 am Reply

    After losing two friends to a horrible murder while I was in high school I could not find my smile or my happy place again. I felt guilty. I wish someone would have told me that it was OK to be happy again. It was not a betrayal.

  76. Jan  January 16, 2020 at 11:56 am Reply

    After losing two friends to a horrible murder while I was in high school I could not find my smile or my happy place again. I felt guilty. I wish someone would have told me that it was OK to be happy again. It was not a betrayal.

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  78. davidsons  January 10, 2020 at 12:40 pm Reply

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  83. Karen Melms  December 29, 2019 at 2:01 pm Reply

    Grief is not a problem to be solved but an experience to be carried. Still today (20 months after the sudden death of my 57 year old husband due to a brain aneurysm) I cried and had a sad day. Some memories are triggers and loneliness and overthinking still make me sad even though I’m very happy with a new love in my life. I will always grieve the loss of my husband and I will continue to have some sad days but I am happy in love again and I know that would make my late husband very happy too.

  84. Karen Melms  December 29, 2019 at 2:01 pm Reply

    Grief is not a problem to be solved but an experience to be carried. Still today (20 months after the sudden death of my 57 year old husband due to a brain aneurysm) I cried and had a sad day. Some memories are triggers and loneliness and overthinking still make me sad even though I’m very happy with a new love in my life. I will always grieve the loss of my husband and I will continue to have some sad days but I am happy in love again and I know that would make my late husband very happy too.

  85. Karen Melms  December 29, 2019 at 2:01 pm Reply

    Grief is not a problem to be solved but an experience to be carried. Still today (20 months after the sudden death of my 57 year old husband due to a brain aneurysm) I cried and had a sad day. Some memories are triggers and loneliness and overthinking still make me sad even though I’m very happy with a new love in my life. I will always grieve the loss of my husband and I will continue to have some sad days but I am happy in love again and I know that would make my late husband very happy too.

    • Paul Carlson  February 5, 2020 at 11:23 am Reply

      Karen, thank you for your post. I find it encouraging to know that you have found a new love in your life. I lost my wife of 29 years, 7 months in November 2019. It was sudden and unexpected. I went from a spoiled man living the life of my dreams with a woman I called ‘baby’ or ‘princess’ to being a widower in the blink of an eye. I see a grief counselor weekly and have gone through some great exercises that help me process my grief, but of course none of this brings her back. I still get lumps in my throat or feel overwhelmed when it strikes me that she’s gone. I feel like my life is over and I just turned 52. I can’t imagine that I could have another 30 years of life and none of it is with her. I read a quote the other day that I find so true and heart wrenching: “I will love you for the rest of my life, and you won’t be here for any of it.” I hope one day I can find love again and live in a way that I’m happy and honoring her memory…but right now I feel like I will never be happy again.

  86. Heidi  December 25, 2019 at 1:00 pm Reply

    i wish more people understood that grief is not just for those who have lost someone due to a death. The permanent loss of significant other due to infidelity is also a form of “death”. October 30th, 2018 I found out my husband of 30 years had been carrying on with another woman. Within a week I decided I would never be able to trust him again and another week later I put him out. November 15th, 2018 is the last time I saw him or heard his voice. It is like he died. 30 years of my life – over in an instant. The pain and grief I have suffered since then is still almost unbearable. In this instance you add the feeling of betrayal on top of grief. It never ends. Triggers everywhere. I’ve stopped talking about it with friends and family because they really just don’t understand. I’ll be 50 next Spring. I know that that part of my life is done – romantic love, intimacy, having someone that I trust implicitly. My time with those things is over. Now it’s a matter of constructing what it is that my new “solo” life is going to be. It’s not easy.

  87. Heidi  December 25, 2019 at 1:00 pm Reply

    i wish more people understood that grief is not just for those who have lost someone due to a death. The permanent loss of significant other due to infidelity is also a form of “death”. October 30th, 2018 I found out my husband of 30 years had been carrying on with another woman. Within a week I decided I would never be able to trust him again and another week later I put him out. November 15th, 2018 is the last time I saw him or heard his voice. It is like he died. 30 years of my life – over in an instant. The pain and grief I have suffered since then is still almost unbearable. In this instance you add the feeling of betrayal on top of grief. It never ends. Triggers everywhere. I’ve stopped talking about it with friends and family because they really just don’t understand. I’ll be 50 next Spring. I know that that part of my life is done – romantic love, intimacy, having someone that I trust implicitly. My time with those things is over. Now it’s a matter of constructing what it is that my new “solo” life is going to be. It’s not easy.

  88. Heidi  December 25, 2019 at 1:00 pm Reply

    i wish more people understood that grief is not just for those who have lost someone due to a death. The permanent loss of significant other due to infidelity is also a form of “death”. October 30th, 2018 I found out my husband of 30 years had been carrying on with another woman. Within a week I decided I would never be able to trust him again and another week later I put him out. November 15th, 2018 is the last time I saw him or heard his voice. It is like he died. 30 years of my life – over in an instant. The pain and grief I have suffered since then is still almost unbearable. In this instance you add the feeling of betrayal on top of grief. It never ends. Triggers everywhere. I’ve stopped talking about it with friends and family because they really just don’t understand. I’ll be 50 next Spring. I know that that part of my life is done – romantic love, intimacy, having someone that I trust implicitly. My time with those things is over. Now it’s a matter of constructing what it is that my new “solo” life is going to be. It’s not easy.

    • Cat Carson  January 11, 2020 at 12:48 am Reply

      Oh, please. No , Heidi. This is about grief after a death – clearly. If you want to talk about grief after a betrayal I’m sure there are boards for that. SMH

    • BB  January 13, 2020 at 1:34 am Reply

      I’m so sorry, Heidi. Yes, it is a terrible grief to lose your spouse. It must have all been such a shock. I feel for you. I know it’s hard to believe now, but this will get easier. You will find joy in life again. Please consider getting some grief counseling. A big hug for you!

    • Obcodi  January 19, 2020 at 9:05 am Reply

      Yes! My grief is for my first granddaughter who decided that she wants to be a boy not because she has always felt as if she was born in the wrong body but because it is a brave and admirable and supportive thing to do and will be an awesome example for all those struggling with these issues who don’t have the courage to do this not to mention it’s easier to be a man. I’m devastated and it’s been 2 years into the hormone shots and with the crew haircut, the facial hair, the voice change, the piercings, tattoos, and breast binding underneath the complete male wardrobe, I grief at the loss of my beautiful granddaughter that I was so close to. And for all those who will say she’s still alive, DON’T! I’ve heard it all before and she’s not this person resembles nothing of my granddaughter except teeth, not hair, looks, smile, smell, personality, not even her activities are the same and her sarcasm was not part of her old personality, she’s taken up smoking, and drinking, my heart is shattered and its pain is indescribable!

    • Sarah  February 1, 2020 at 9:37 am Reply

      Heidi – I know exactly where you are coming from. I not only lost my father but my husband of 20 plus years was involved with other women. I am grieving the loss of a parent, trusting husband and a friend. I don’t know where to turn but I do know that I will eventually be ok and able to cope. I do know that you can have another love. It will be different and hard because you will be shielding you heart. We have to learn to love again!

  89. Eli  December 24, 2019 at 5:11 pm Reply

    My former fiance passed away in Feb after 6 years battling a very aggressive autoimmune disease. We got engaged two years prior to his original diagnosis. I was his full time care-giver for three years and it nearly broke me in every way. He was my best friend and he was so supportive of me and my mental health issues that worsened during this time when he got worse. We mutually agreed on a care facility for him, which gave him so much freedom and the best care. We also separated three years before his passing as I wasn’t well mentally, and he supported me doing what I had to do to be better again. This required me moving back over seas to live with my parents. Throughout all that, up until his, some what unexpected passing, we were still very close. Talking every weekend, video chatting. He was so positive and funny, despite the pain he was in and the loss of everything he loved around him that he could no longer do. It was his birthday yesterday, and it’s been so hard, the first holiday season without him. Seeing things in the stores he would have loved, movies he won’t get to enjoy, funny things he would have laughed his head off over. He was my biggest fan honestly, even after we separated. I still love him dearly. I’m in a new relationship, but I feel so guilty in my grief at times, as though, I’m being unfaithful by grieving his loss. He was supportive of this but my love for him is different than it is for my current partner. I never got to attend his funeral, being overseas, and him not technically being mt fiance anymore for a few years now, it wasn’t possible. I’m attending a one year memorial in Feb for him, when his ashes will be scattered. I feel guilty though and hoping as the years pass, this won’t be so hard to get through as it is this year. Though reading through some of the posts on others grief, does help a little to feel not so alone in how debilitating the grief feels at times.

  90. Eli  December 24, 2019 at 5:11 pm Reply

    My former fiance passed away in Feb after 6 years battling a very aggressive autoimmune disease. We got engaged two years prior to his original diagnosis. I was his full time care-giver for three years and it nearly broke me in every way. He was my best friend and he was so supportive of me and my mental health issues that worsened during this time when he got worse. We mutually agreed on a care facility for him, which gave him so much freedom and the best care. We also separated three years before his passing as I wasn’t well mentally, and he supported me doing what I had to do to be better again. This required me moving back over seas to live with my parents. Throughout all that, up until his, some what unexpected passing, we were still very close. Talking every weekend, video chatting. He was so positive and funny, despite the pain he was in and the loss of everything he loved around him that he could no longer do. It was his birthday yesterday, and it’s been so hard, the first holiday season without him. Seeing things in the stores he would have loved, movies he won’t get to enjoy, funny things he would have laughed his head off over. He was my biggest fan honestly, even after we separated. I still love him dearly. I’m in a new relationship, but I feel so guilty in my grief at times, as though, I’m being unfaithful by grieving his loss. He was supportive of this but my love for him is different than it is for my current partner. I never got to attend his funeral, being overseas, and him not technically being mt fiance anymore for a few years now, it wasn’t possible. I’m attending a one year memorial in Feb for him, when his ashes will be scattered. I feel guilty though and hoping as the years pass, this won’t be so hard to get through as it is this year. Though reading through some of the posts on others grief, does help a little to feel not so alone in how debilitating the grief feels at times.

  91. Eli  December 24, 2019 at 5:11 pm Reply

    My former fiance passed away in Feb after 6 years battling a very aggressive autoimmune disease. We got engaged two years prior to his original diagnosis. I was his full time care-giver for three years and it nearly broke me in every way. He was my best friend and he was so supportive of me and my mental health issues that worsened during this time when he got worse. We mutually agreed on a care facility for him, which gave him so much freedom and the best care. We also separated three years before his passing as I wasn’t well mentally, and he supported me doing what I had to do to be better again. This required me moving back over seas to live with my parents. Throughout all that, up until his, some what unexpected passing, we were still very close. Talking every weekend, video chatting. He was so positive and funny, despite the pain he was in and the loss of everything he loved around him that he could no longer do. It was his birthday yesterday, and it’s been so hard, the first holiday season without him. Seeing things in the stores he would have loved, movies he won’t get to enjoy, funny things he would have laughed his head off over. He was my biggest fan honestly, even after we separated. I still love him dearly. I’m in a new relationship, but I feel so guilty in my grief at times, as though, I’m being unfaithful by grieving his loss. He was supportive of this but my love for him is different than it is for my current partner. I never got to attend his funeral, being overseas, and him not technically being mt fiance anymore for a few years now, it wasn’t possible. I’m attending a one year memorial in Feb for him, when his ashes will be scattered. I feel guilty though and hoping as the years pass, this won’t be so hard to get through as it is this year. Though reading through some of the posts on others grief, does help a little to feel not so alone in how debilitating the grief feels at times.

  92. tanveer rauf  December 21, 2019 at 2:06 am Reply

    Time is the best healer

    • Cat Carson  January 11, 2020 at 12:56 am Reply

      Did you see number 56? If not, please reread, and stop with the platitudes/cliches. Thanks.

  93. Shylo  December 16, 2019 at 7:20 pm Reply

    I lost my husband in an accident one month ago tomorrow, a week before I found out that my dad has cancer again and a year before that my husband lost his best friend, his dad, from a heart attack. I have the most amazing support system taking care of me but it doesn’t stop the empty feeling from being there. I was 16 when my dad had cancer the first time and I shoved every emotion I had into a box because I figured if I did that it would all be okay, he got through it, a different man, but he got through it. I realized later that by shoving my emotions away that it made me into an angry version of myself. When I met my husband I eventually shared those emotions with him in a burst of emotion, it had come back to bite me in the a$$ but he listened and helped me be more honest with myself. I told myself after his accident that I can’t do that again, even though the circumstances are slightly different then last time, not allowing myself to be honest with my emotions doesn’t make me stronger, it would make me weaker and with my dads diagnosis still looming I still have to find a way to grieve while still being there for him(in some ways this is what is stopping me from running because a large part of me just wants to escape to another country for a while).
    I have experienced a lot from this list so far and i’m sure more will come soon, i’ll probably forget what I told myself at some point too. Today, I broke down because I couldn’t tell my husband some news that he would have found interesting and it took me while to get any bearings back, I tried not to cry at first but it ended up making me almost have a panic attack by doing so, so I just let the tears come. I have found though that being honest about my emotions when people ask me has helped, it hurts, it all hurts but don’t shove the emotions you feel into a pit just because you think someone else might feel uncomfortable or it makes you look weak, it won’t benefit you, you will still feel those emotions regardless.

  94. Shylo  December 16, 2019 at 7:20 pm Reply

    I lost my husband in an accident one month ago tomorrow, a week before I found out that my dad has cancer again and a year before that my husband lost his best friend, his dad, from a heart attack. I have the most amazing support system taking care of me but it doesn’t stop the empty feeling from being there. I was 16 when my dad had cancer the first time and I shoved every emotion I had into a box because I figured if I did that it would all be okay, he got through it, a different man, but he got through it. I realized later that by shoving my emotions away that it made me into an angry version of myself. When I met my husband I eventually shared those emotions with him in a burst of emotion, it had come back to bite me in the a$$ but he listened and helped me be more honest with myself. I told myself after his accident that I can’t do that again, even though the circumstances are slightly different then last time, not allowing myself to be honest with my emotions doesn’t make me stronger, it would make me weaker and with my dads diagnosis still looming I still have to find a way to grieve while still being there for him(in some ways this is what is stopping me from running because a large part of me just wants to escape to another country for a while).
    I have experienced a lot from this list so far and i’m sure more will come soon, i’ll probably forget what I told myself at some point too. Today, I broke down because I couldn’t tell my husband some news that he would have found interesting and it took me while to get any bearings back, I tried not to cry at first but it ended up making me almost have a panic attack by doing so, so I just let the tears come. I have found though that being honest about my emotions when people ask me has helped, it hurts, it all hurts but don’t shove the emotions you feel into a pit just because you think someone else might feel uncomfortable or it makes you look weak, it won’t benefit you, you will still feel those emotions regardless.

  95. Shylo  December 16, 2019 at 7:20 pm Reply

    I lost my husband in an accident one month ago tomorrow, a week before I found out that my dad has cancer again and a year before that my husband lost his best friend, his dad, from a heart attack. I have the most amazing support system taking care of me but it doesn’t stop the empty feeling from being there. I was 16 when my dad had cancer the first time and I shoved every emotion I had into a box because I figured if I did that it would all be okay, he got through it, a different man, but he got through it. I realized later that by shoving my emotions away that it made me into an angry version of myself. When I met my husband I eventually shared those emotions with him in a burst of emotion, it had come back to bite me in the a$$ but he listened and helped me be more honest with myself. I told myself after his accident that I can’t do that again, even though the circumstances are slightly different then last time, not allowing myself to be honest with my emotions doesn’t make me stronger, it would make me weaker and with my dads diagnosis still looming I still have to find a way to grieve while still being there for him(in some ways this is what is stopping me from running because a large part of me just wants to escape to another country for a while).
    I have experienced a lot from this list so far and i’m sure more will come soon, i’ll probably forget what I told myself at some point too. Today, I broke down because I couldn’t tell my husband some news that he would have found interesting and it took me while to get any bearings back, I tried not to cry at first but it ended up making me almost have a panic attack by doing so, so I just let the tears come. I have found though that being honest about my emotions when people ask me has helped, it hurts, it all hurts but don’t shove the emotions you feel into a pit just because you think someone else might feel uncomfortable or it makes you look weak, it won’t benefit you, you will still feel those emotions regardless.

  96. Victoria Richings  December 13, 2019 at 6:54 pm Reply

    I lost my beautiful mum 4 days ago, the pain is the most violent aggressive pain I have ever felt in ny life. I know shes gone but I also keep thinking she will walk back in the room.
    This pain is indescribable the bottom has fallen from my world and I simply dont know how to be, How do I live a life without the most precious person living it with me.
    I need her so bad right now, I feel like I’m going insane, I want my head to stop, my thoughts to rest and my pounding heart to slow, and this gut wrenching stomach pains to disappear. The one person who could soothe me has gone, I will never be the same person again, my heart has died I’ve lost the biggest part of me, and I know I will ever find it.
    The only thing keeping me going right now is my family, who are all feeling the same.pain, I want to be unconscious so I dont have to feel this horrendous torturous pain, I feel guilty, lost, alone, and really vulnerable.
    The love I received from my precious mother is a love I will never feel again, she was amazing, and the love was so strong, so powerful it’s been ripped from my world. And my world has ripped through me.

  97. Victoria Richings  December 13, 2019 at 6:54 pm Reply

    I lost my beautiful mum 4 days ago, the pain is the most violent aggressive pain I have ever felt in ny life. I know shes gone but I also keep thinking she will walk back in the room.
    This pain is indescribable the bottom has fallen from my world and I simply dont know how to be, How do I live a life without the most precious person living it with me.
    I need her so bad right now, I feel like I’m going insane, I want my head to stop, my thoughts to rest and my pounding heart to slow, and this gut wrenching stomach pains to disappear. The one person who could soothe me has gone, I will never be the same person again, my heart has died I’ve lost the biggest part of me, and I know I will ever find it.
    The only thing keeping me going right now is my family, who are all feeling the same.pain, I want to be unconscious so I dont have to feel this horrendous torturous pain, I feel guilty, lost, alone, and really vulnerable.
    The love I received from my precious mother is a love I will never feel again, she was amazing, and the love was so strong, so powerful it’s been ripped from my world. And my world has ripped through me.

  98. Victoria Richings  December 13, 2019 at 6:54 pm Reply

    I lost my beautiful mum 4 days ago, the pain is the most violent aggressive pain I have ever felt in ny life. I know shes gone but I also keep thinking she will walk back in the room.
    This pain is indescribable the bottom has fallen from my world and I simply dont know how to be, How do I live a life without the most precious person living it with me.
    I need her so bad right now, I feel like I’m going insane, I want my head to stop, my thoughts to rest and my pounding heart to slow, and this gut wrenching stomach pains to disappear. The one person who could soothe me has gone, I will never be the same person again, my heart has died I’ve lost the biggest part of me, and I know I will ever find it.
    The only thing keeping me going right now is my family, who are all feeling the same.pain, I want to be unconscious so I dont have to feel this horrendous torturous pain, I feel guilty, lost, alone, and really vulnerable.
    The love I received from my precious mother is a love I will never feel again, she was amazing, and the love was so strong, so powerful it’s been ripped from my world. And my world has ripped through me.

    • Christina Moore  December 29, 2019 at 2:27 am Reply

      Hi Victoria,
      My mom passed away Dec 2018. I felt almost insulted that the world just kept going, no change after losing my beloved mom. The only way I could describe losing her was like I had suddenly stepped into an alternate reality, another universe where she was no longer present on Earth, a fairytale of a beautiful spirit suddenly coming to an end.
      Today I still cry tears for her, missing her, but it isn’t as frequent. And I can finally say that although I will always miss her, I am going to be okay. I don’t know if this helps Victoria, but I hope it does.

    • Peggy  December 31, 2019 at 2:58 pm Reply

      Victoria, your words are so very true. Word for word how I feel inside. I lost my Mom suddenly & there is no greater pain. I feel lost. Wondering how life will go on. I pretend like she’s gone away on a trip but will be home soon. Seems like the only way to get through to another day. This loss is so big and hurts beyond measure. As the New Year approaches, I feel worse. She won’t be here, in this New Year. No new memories, nothing. I know she wouldn’t want me to be this way. Our Moms loved us unconditionally. Deeper than any live we’ll ever know. My family is what keeps me going. I want my kids to feel that love come through me. Thinking of you, thank you for sharing your story.

    • Cat Carson  January 11, 2020 at 12:55 am Reply

      I am SO sorry, sweetheart, and understand and empathize completely. My heart is with you and I mean it.

    • Char  January 11, 2020 at 5:46 am Reply

      My heart goes out to you. Your words resonate with me so closely I feel like I wrote them. The pain is extremely devastating to say the least. It has been 2 years since my mom’s passing & it STILL hurts me deeply daily. We were so close & I ‘m an only child without any grandparents. Not being able to pick up the phone to call her & hear her voice answer on the other end is just gut wrenching . Sometimes it feels like a terrible nightmare I can’t wake up from. I have begged God to help ease the pain & he has given me strength but I still struggle. I miss EVERYTHING about my mom & I’d do anything to hug her and hear her voice again. I pray that everyone in this thread of comments can find peace & comfort at some point and try to just hang on to those beautiful memories b/c grief will drive you crazy if you let it. Take time to cry whenever you need to. Just let those tears flow. It makes you feel a little better & releases some of that built up sadness in your heart. Holding my grief in literally makes my chest tighten up & gives me anxiety. Don’t let your grief make you ill. Stay away from negative people & enjoy peaceful nature or whatever bring you joy.

  99. Susan Kerr  December 11, 2019 at 9:34 pm Reply

    One month 4 days – time passes since my Mum died. Yet, I remain transfixed unable to recognize time in the usual way. I hanged up a clock in the kitchen, just to remind myself to listen and hear time passing. Tick tick tick. Now, periodically awakening to notice a day or week has passed. No longer caring. Hollow. Living but less alive. Some nights my entire being is the sum of these unending tears. The first few weeks a state of emotional and surreal physical shock. It reminded me of the adrenaline rush I had during a bad car accident as the car rolled over me in slow motion. Time now lived in slow motion. I lost part of my own identity along with her. I will never again be the child of another mother. Missing her humour and gentle chiding. Missing her tenderness and grace. Grief a cannon ball in the gut. No, nothing will ever be the same again. I get it, okay, I get it. Grief is clearly a transition, but to what?

    • Deborah  December 11, 2019 at 10:19 pm Reply

      I lost my mom 16 days ago and the emotions you are describing sound so familiar. I feel lost, not sure where to turn. I find myself reading a story or hearing a bit of family news and immediately want to call and tell her only to remember I can’t anymore. Friends and family tell me it will get easier and to remember she loved me and would want me to be happy. I know they are right as that is what I would want my own son to do if I was the one who had passed away but at this moment it seems almost impossible.

  100. Susan Kerr  December 11, 2019 at 9:34 pm Reply

    One month 4 days – time passes since my Mum died. Yet, I remain transfixed unable to recognize time in the usual way. I hanged up a clock in the kitchen, just to remind myself to listen and hear time passing. Tick tick tick. Now, periodically awakening to notice a day or week has passed. No longer caring. Hollow. Living but less alive. Some nights my entire being is the sum of these unending tears. The first few weeks a state of emotional and surreal physical shock. It reminded me of the adrenaline rush I had during a bad car accident as the car rolled over me in slow motion. Time now lived in slow motion. I lost part of my own identity along with her. I will never again be the child of another mother. Missing her humour and gentle chiding. Missing her tenderness and grace. Grief a cannon ball in the gut. No, nothing will ever be the same again. I get it, okay, I get it. Grief is clearly a transition, but to what?

    • Deborah  December 11, 2019 at 10:19 pm Reply

      I lost my mom 16 days ago and the emotions you are describing sound so familiar. I feel lost, not sure where to turn. I find myself reading a story or hearing a bit of family news and immediately want to call and tell her only to remember I can’t anymore. Friends and family tell me it will get easier and to remember she loved me and would want me to be happy. I know they are right as that is what I would want my own son to do if I was the one who had passed away but at this moment it seems almost impossible.

  101. Susan Kerr  December 11, 2019 at 9:34 pm Reply

    One month 4 days – time passes since my Mum died. Yet, I remain transfixed unable to recognize time in the usual way. I hanged up a clock in the kitchen, just to remind myself to listen and hear time passing. Tick tick tick. Now, periodically awakening to notice a day or week has passed. No longer caring. Hollow. Living but less alive. Some nights my entire being is the sum of these unending tears. The first few weeks a state of emotional and surreal physical shock. It reminded me of the adrenaline rush I had during a bad car accident as the car rolled over me in slow motion. Time now lived in slow motion. I lost part of my own identity along with her. I will never again be the child of another mother. Missing her humour and gentle chiding. Missing her tenderness and grace. Grief a cannon ball in the gut. No, nothing will ever be the same again. I get it, okay, I get it. Grief is clearly a transition, but to what?

    • Deborah  December 11, 2019 at 10:19 pm Reply

      I lost my mom 16 days ago and the emotions you are describing sound so familiar. I feel lost, not sure where to turn. I find myself reading a story or hearing a bit of family news and immediately want to call and tell her only to remember I can’t anymore. Friends and family tell me it will get easier and to remember she loved me and would want me to be happy. I know they are right as that is what I would want my own son to do if I was the one who had passed away but at this moment it seems almost impossible.

  102. hurting  November 28, 2019 at 6:57 pm Reply

    My lovely husband died two weeks ago. I’m lost. We only had each other, we only loved each other. Kind people are checking in with me and I appreciate it so much, but they are strangers. Everybody is a stranger to me. I wish I had opened up my world more to other people, but I do not find it easy. I don’t trust people and I don’t think I am ‘normal’ in social situations. I always feel regret after sharing to much about myself with people I might see again. I can talk about anything with strangers, hence me sitting here after midnight. It hurts so much. I don’t know who I am without him.

  103. hurting  November 28, 2019 at 6:57 pm Reply

    My lovely husband died two weeks ago. I’m lost. We only had each other, we only loved each other. Kind people are checking in with me and I appreciate it so much, but they are strangers. Everybody is a stranger to me. I wish I had opened up my world more to other people, but I do not find it easy. I don’t trust people and I don’t think I am ‘normal’ in social situations. I always feel regret after sharing to much about myself with people I might see again. I can talk about anything with strangers, hence me sitting here after midnight. It hurts so much. I don’t know who I am without him.

  104. hurting  November 28, 2019 at 6:57 pm Reply

    My lovely husband died two weeks ago. I’m lost. We only had each other, we only loved each other. Kind people are checking in with me and I appreciate it so much, but they are strangers. Everybody is a stranger to me. I wish I had opened up my world more to other people, but I do not find it easy. I don’t trust people and I don’t think I am ‘normal’ in social situations. I always feel regret after sharing to much about myself with people I might see again. I can talk about anything with strangers, hence me sitting here after midnight. It hurts so much. I don’t know who I am without him.

  105. Jennifer  November 22, 2019 at 9:54 pm Reply

    Best thing someone said to me after my parents died….
    However you are feeling.. it’s ok, because its how you feel. It cant be wrong.

  106. Jennifer  November 22, 2019 at 9:54 pm Reply

    Best thing someone said to me after my parents died….
    However you are feeling.. it’s ok, because its how you feel. It cant be wrong.

  107. Jennifer  November 22, 2019 at 9:54 pm Reply

    Best thing someone said to me after my parents died….
    However you are feeling.. it’s ok, because its how you feel. It cant be wrong.

  108. Benjamin Ouaglal  November 19, 2019 at 8:21 pm Reply

    I lost my wife about 3 months ago in July, as she lost her 3rd battle against breast cancer. I can relate to every single point of this post, I know my grief journey just began and it seems overwhelming at times, I went to grief counselling , and some of the advices are in the post, but still it doesn’t take away the pain, the loss, the grief…

  109. Benjamin Ouaglal  November 19, 2019 at 8:21 pm Reply

    I lost my wife about 3 months ago in July, as she lost her 3rd battle against breast cancer. I can relate to every single point of this post, I know my grief journey just began and it seems overwhelming at times, I went to grief counselling , and some of the advices are in the post, but still it doesn’t take away the pain, the loss, the grief…

  110. Benjamin Ouaglal  November 19, 2019 at 8:21 pm Reply

    I lost my wife about 3 months ago in July, as she lost her 3rd battle against breast cancer. I can relate to every single point of this post, I know my grief journey just began and it seems overwhelming at times, I went to grief counselling , and some of the advices are in the post, but still it doesn’t take away the pain, the loss, the grief…

  111. Derek S Speck  November 19, 2019 at 6:07 pm Reply

    Put to sleep my one true friend yesterday. The guilt is horrible. I hurt all over. He was perfect. Best dog ever. Never knew something could hurt so much. Lost both my parents and my sister when she was 26. But nothing compares to this.

  112. Derek S Speck  November 19, 2019 at 6:07 pm Reply

    Put to sleep my one true friend yesterday. The guilt is horrible. I hurt all over. He was perfect. Best dog ever. Never knew something could hurt so much. Lost both my parents and my sister when she was 26. But nothing compares to this.

  113. Derek S Speck  November 19, 2019 at 6:07 pm Reply

    Put to sleep my one true friend yesterday. The guilt is horrible. I hurt all over. He was perfect. Best dog ever. Never knew something could hurt so much. Lost both my parents and my sister when she was 26. But nothing compares to this.

    • Lol McIntosh  December 1, 2019 at 10:26 am Reply

      Derek, you did the best you could… I feel your pain–lost my fur baby over a year ago and I still grieve… she was the only “person” in my life that offered unconditional love, no judgment or commentary, just a perk of the ears, wag of the tail or nuzzle in the hand… hang in there…

  114. Mal  November 12, 2019 at 9:36 pm Reply

    My boyfriend passed away last month in his sleep unexpectedly (it was something medical). I grapple a lot with disbelief…I don’t believe that he’s truly gone. But the biggest thing is that I have just never felt so alone before. And I’m not alone, I’m surrounded by family and loved ones who want to support me (his family and mine). I’ve had so many friends reach out and I am so thankful for that support, but I still feel so alone. Also, time hasn’t passed for me (it’s like I’m stuck, walking through glue). And things happen, and people’s lives go on, but I feel like mine has been stuck on that same day. And I’ve never wanted something (or someone) so much in my life. I would do anything just to have him back for one day, even – to speak to him and tell him how much I love him and to ask if he’s okay…I’m just so lost. And the person I would talk about all of this with is him – he knew me better than anyone. I have a hard time showing my emotions to people, but he always knew how I was feeling. I just feel so alone. Trying to get back into school (I’m in a Masters program) and working full time has been so challenging, because I don’t really see the point in doing anything and yet I know he was so proud of me for going back to school (but I’ve also been so focused on school lately, we haven’t been spending as much time together and I resent that school made me so preoccupied).

  115. Mal  November 12, 2019 at 9:36 pm Reply

    My boyfriend passed away last month in his sleep unexpectedly (it was something medical). I grapple a lot with disbelief…I don’t believe that he’s truly gone. But the biggest thing is that I have just never felt so alone before. And I’m not alone, I’m surrounded by family and loved ones who want to support me (his family and mine). I’ve had so many friends reach out and I am so thankful for that support, but I still feel so alone. Also, time hasn’t passed for me (it’s like I’m stuck, walking through glue). And things happen, and people’s lives go on, but I feel like mine has been stuck on that same day. And I’ve never wanted something (or someone) so much in my life. I would do anything just to have him back for one day, even – to speak to him and tell him how much I love him and to ask if he’s okay…I’m just so lost. And the person I would talk about all of this with is him – he knew me better than anyone. I have a hard time showing my emotions to people, but he always knew how I was feeling. I just feel so alone. Trying to get back into school (I’m in a Masters program) and working full time has been so challenging, because I don’t really see the point in doing anything and yet I know he was so proud of me for going back to school (but I’ve also been so focused on school lately, we haven’t been spending as much time together and I resent that school made me so preoccupied).

  116. Mal  November 12, 2019 at 9:36 pm Reply

    My boyfriend passed away last month in his sleep unexpectedly (it was something medical). I grapple a lot with disbelief…I don’t believe that he’s truly gone. But the biggest thing is that I have just never felt so alone before. And I’m not alone, I’m surrounded by family and loved ones who want to support me (his family and mine). I’ve had so many friends reach out and I am so thankful for that support, but I still feel so alone. Also, time hasn’t passed for me (it’s like I’m stuck, walking through glue). And things happen, and people’s lives go on, but I feel like mine has been stuck on that same day. And I’ve never wanted something (or someone) so much in my life. I would do anything just to have him back for one day, even – to speak to him and tell him how much I love him and to ask if he’s okay…I’m just so lost. And the person I would talk about all of this with is him – he knew me better than anyone. I have a hard time showing my emotions to people, but he always knew how I was feeling. I just feel so alone. Trying to get back into school (I’m in a Masters program) and working full time has been so challenging, because I don’t really see the point in doing anything and yet I know he was so proud of me for going back to school (but I’ve also been so focused on school lately, we haven’t been spending as much time together and I resent that school made me so preoccupied).

    • Patty  November 20, 2019 at 6:31 am Reply

      I’m so sorry, Mal. I feel so alone too–and I lost my cousin, who was more like a little sister, that I grew up with. I think we feel alone, despite having other people around us, perhaps because we’ve been left alone in this relationship we had, and we’re in no way ready to leave it. This list was pretty helpful, especially the part to go easy on yourself, and that there’s no one way that is correct. Take your time and take care of yourself.

  117. jeff padagas  October 30, 2019 at 4:02 am Reply

    i broke up with my boyfriend 2days ago and am missing him already how can i get him back post comment october 30 2019

  118. jeff padagas  October 30, 2019 at 4:02 am Reply

    i broke up with my boyfriend 2days ago and am missing him already how can i get him back post comment october 30 2019

  119. jeff padagas  October 30, 2019 at 4:02 am Reply

    i broke up with my boyfriend 2days ago and am missing him already how can i get him back post comment october 30 2019

    • Nancy  November 11, 2019 at 10:39 pm Reply

      You broke up with your boyfriend? Did he pass away? I’m confused. This is a site about grief after loved one’s die.

  120. Melly Campos  October 21, 2019 at 12:59 pm Reply

    I lost my dad last year unexpectedly and it’s been tough. He was my best friend, someone who was always there & had the greatest heart. I think about him all the time, talk to him on my way to work & pray for him at night. His death brought my sister and I closer. We talk everyday and always laugh at the sweet memories we had with him. I catch myself crying everyday or just feel so sad because I feel guilty that he isn’t here to get to do stuff with us anymore. This feeling sucks. My heart always feels heavy.

  121. Melly Campos  October 21, 2019 at 12:59 pm Reply

    I lost my dad last year unexpectedly and it’s been tough. He was my best friend, someone who was always there & had the greatest heart. I think about him all the time, talk to him on my way to work & pray for him at night. His death brought my sister and I closer. We talk everyday and always laugh at the sweet memories we had with him. I catch myself crying everyday or just feel so sad because I feel guilty that he isn’t here to get to do stuff with us anymore. This feeling sucks. My heart always feels heavy.

  122. Melly Campos  October 21, 2019 at 12:59 pm Reply

    I lost my dad last year unexpectedly and it’s been tough. He was my best friend, someone who was always there & had the greatest heart. I think about him all the time, talk to him on my way to work & pray for him at night. His death brought my sister and I closer. We talk everyday and always laugh at the sweet memories we had with him. I catch myself crying everyday or just feel so sad because I feel guilty that he isn’t here to get to do stuff with us anymore. This feeling sucks. My heart always feels heavy.

    • Sydnee Hanson  October 22, 2019 at 1:04 pm Reply

      Hey Melly, I was just reading this article and saw your comment. My father also passed away a year ago in August 2018, unexpectedly and sudden, a jet boat accident. And he was my hero and everything I wanted to be when i grew up and I saw him kinda immortal like a superhero. When he passed it was left with just my sister and I. We are closer now as well. I just thought I was crazy how similar our stories were. Thought I should reach out because it’s the middle of the day and I was googling “how to get over the death of a loved one” as well

    • Erica  November 19, 2019 at 10:58 am Reply

      After reading your comment about your father passing, I felt like I had written the words myself. My father died suddenly and we are all still in shock. He was warm, kind, funny, and very comforting. I still send him voicemails and listen to his voicemails to help remember his sweet nature. He always left me songs or bible verses. I have never felt so alone now that he is gone and being in the car makes me sad because I cant call and chat with him. Everything I do seems blank now that he has gone. My sister and I have become much closer trying to cope with his death, and the upcoming holidays seem daunting.

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    • Nancy  November 11, 2019 at 10:41 pm Reply

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  129. Gloria L.  September 20, 2019 at 11:51 am Reply

    I lost my husband18 months ago and I felt most all of these things listed. I was helped by a few friends, my own family after first losing dad and brother 9 yrs ago 2 months apart, 2010 and 2011. Then my mother-in-law Jan 2016. Then my husband Jan 2018. Then my close sister’s husband Sept 2018. Sigh. I leaned heavily on God, church and grief books. I got the courage to go to a Christian Dating Website this week, Sept 16-20, 2019 and it was hilarious. Fake Christians that partially drink, smoke, scam, etc. But one guy who said he was widowed before I deleted my account said something that stuck with me…..”I lost my wife 8 years ago and that is in the past, I leave the past in the past. I have to start over a new life. She is in Heaven but I must continue to live.” It made me fully realize how I fought to hold onto the memories and the past that will do nothing for me in terms of continuing on in this very alive world. I have moved miraculously into another clarified dimension somehow. Wow. Thank God for Jesus!

  130. Gloria L.  September 20, 2019 at 11:51 am Reply

    I lost my husband18 months ago and I felt most all of these things listed. I was helped by a few friends, my own family after first losing dad and brother 9 yrs ago 2 months apart, 2010 and 2011. Then my mother-in-law Jan 2016. Then my husband Jan 2018. Then my close sister’s husband Sept 2018. Sigh. I leaned heavily on God, church and grief books. I got the courage to go to a Christian Dating Website this week, Sept 16-20, 2019 and it was hilarious. Fake Christians that partially drink, smoke, scam, etc. But one guy who said he was widowed before I deleted my account said something that stuck with me…..”I lost my wife 8 years ago and that is in the past, I leave the past in the past. I have to start over a new life. She is in Heaven but I must continue to live.” It made me fully realize how I fought to hold onto the memories and the past that will do nothing for me in terms of continuing on in this very alive world. I have moved miraculously into another clarified dimension somehow. Wow. Thank God for Jesus!

  131. Gloria L.  September 20, 2019 at 11:51 am Reply

    I lost my husband18 months ago and I felt most all of these things listed. I was helped by a few friends, my own family after first losing dad and brother 9 yrs ago 2 months apart, 2010 and 2011. Then my mother-in-law Jan 2016. Then my husband Jan 2018. Then my close sister’s husband Sept 2018. Sigh. I leaned heavily on God, church and grief books. I got the courage to go to a Christian Dating Website this week, Sept 16-20, 2019 and it was hilarious. Fake Christians that partially drink, smoke, scam, etc. But one guy who said he was widowed before I deleted my account said something that stuck with me…..”I lost my wife 8 years ago and that is in the past, I leave the past in the past. I have to start over a new life. She is in Heaven but I must continue to live.” It made me fully realize how I fought to hold onto the memories and the past that will do nothing for me in terms of continuing on in this very alive world. I have moved miraculously into another clarified dimension somehow. Wow. Thank God for Jesus!

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  135. Dr. Kitty Bickford  September 15, 2019 at 8:28 pm Reply

    I wish someone would have told me before I lost my husband that it would be like living someone else’s life afterward. I don’t feel like my old self, and I don’t know who my new self is yet. It takes three times longer to finish anything I start than it used to, and only God can fill the emptiness left where my Jim used to be. I wish someone had told me I would want to go out in the woods and scream everyday just to voice my grief in all its intensity.

  136. Dr. Kitty Bickford  September 15, 2019 at 8:28 pm Reply

    I wish someone would have told me before I lost my husband that it would be like living someone else’s life afterward. I don’t feel like my old self, and I don’t know who my new self is yet. It takes three times longer to finish anything I start than it used to, and only God can fill the emptiness left where my Jim used to be. I wish someone had told me I would want to go out in the woods and scream everyday just to voice my grief in all its intensity.

  137. Dr. Kitty Bickford  September 15, 2019 at 8:28 pm Reply

    I wish someone would have told me before I lost my husband that it would be like living someone else’s life afterward. I don’t feel like my old self, and I don’t know who my new self is yet. It takes three times longer to finish anything I start than it used to, and only God can fill the emptiness left where my Jim used to be. I wish someone had told me I would want to go out in the woods and scream everyday just to voice my grief in all its intensity.

    • Richard  October 25, 2019 at 6:03 am Reply

      Doctor. I am so sorry for your loss.. I am crying over my brother’s grave now.
      Soon. I will join him!

    • sue  January 5, 2020 at 10:51 pm Reply

      I agree with everything you said. I lost my husband of 30 years 2 months ago and l feel totally lost. I too want to scream It was a long illness and I was the primary caretaker. I was his cheerleader and advocate. He was on the transplant list and I was so sure he would get the lifesaving organ, which never happened. To say I am devastated is quite an understatment

  138. donna ferris  September 13, 2019 at 2:45 pm Reply

    I lost my son 5 weeks and 3 days ago. I stay alone and cry. I just want my 45 year old baby back so much.. My doctor told me I could – drag!!- this out as long as I want or get over it.. One day, someone called and asked for him. I explained what happened. He said sorry, but have a great day!!!. So, other people after about a week go away and are uncomfortable to be around you. I feel almost embarrassed to be upset around people. They just don’t get how horrible losing a child can be, regardless of their age. There is no way to comprehend unless you go through it.

  139. donna ferris  September 13, 2019 at 2:45 pm Reply

    I lost my son 5 weeks and 3 days ago. I stay alone and cry. I just want my 45 year old baby back so much.. My doctor told me I could – drag!!- this out as long as I want or get over it.. One day, someone called and asked for him. I explained what happened. He said sorry, but have a great day!!!. So, other people after about a week go away and are uncomfortable to be around you. I feel almost embarrassed to be upset around people. They just don’t get how horrible losing a child can be, regardless of their age. There is no way to comprehend unless you go through it.

  140. donna ferris  September 13, 2019 at 2:45 pm Reply

    I lost my son 5 weeks and 3 days ago. I stay alone and cry. I just want my 45 year old baby back so much.. My doctor told me I could – drag!!- this out as long as I want or get over it.. One day, someone called and asked for him. I explained what happened. He said sorry, but have a great day!!!. So, other people after about a week go away and are uncomfortable to be around you. I feel almost embarrassed to be upset around people. They just don’t get how horrible losing a child can be, regardless of their age. There is no way to comprehend unless you go through it.

    • D  November 30, 2019 at 3:56 pm Reply

      Hi Donna. I lost my stepson last week. His name is Daniel. 26 yeara old. I am still not really accepting it. I am sorry about your son. Also sorry about your terrible Dr., and others in your life who are not evolved enough to understand. This is so hard. I know it will only get worse for us. You are right, not possible to understand if you have not been here. I wish you and I did not understand.

  141. Tshego  September 12, 2019 at 5:47 pm Reply

    Took me 16 years to get to numbers 36 and 63.

  142. Tshego  September 12, 2019 at 5:47 pm Reply

    Took me 16 years to get to numbers 36 and 63.

  143. Tshego  September 12, 2019 at 5:47 pm Reply

    Took me 16 years to get to numbers 36 and 63.

    • jennifer  September 20, 2019 at 10:49 pm Reply

      Can I ask why it took so long and how did you finally over come it? I’m going on about 2.5 years after loosing the love of my life at the age of 28. I’m 31 now and have no idea how to start over. The numbers 36 and 63 are the ones that I am struggling with most. Any words are so greatly appreciated. Thank you!

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  147. Brain C-13 Review  August 17, 2019 at 10:24 pm Reply

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  150. Susan  August 17, 2019 at 12:13 pm Reply

    I have lost my two sons….one 16 years ago at age 23, and my younger son 2 years ago at age 33 (he turned 33 while in the hospital). I was “lucky” in that my best friend lost her only son at age 13, several years before my oldest died. She helped prepare me for all the feelings and emotions, the craziness and roller coaster ride of grief. And I found an online grief group that truly has helped keep me alive. When my youngest son died, I thought “how pitiful, I am somewhat prepared for this. I know what to expect.” I was wrong in some respects. You NEVER think you will lose a child, and you MOST CERTAINLY NEVER think you will lose two! I am so numb, still, and have trouble truly grieving. I go about my days as though I am one tough cookie, but my nights are truly a nightmare. And I drink too much to ward off the nightmares. I so don’t want to ride that roller coaster again….but thank God I have my church (which I discovered right before losing my second son….God knew I would need my church family), and I have a wonderful therapist. So hopefully there is hope for me!

  151. Susan  August 17, 2019 at 12:13 pm Reply

    I have lost my two sons….one 16 years ago at age 23, and my younger son 2 years ago at age 33 (he turned 33 while in the hospital). I was “lucky” in that my best friend lost her only son at age 13, several years before my oldest died. She helped prepare me for all the feelings and emotions, the craziness and roller coaster ride of grief. And I found an online grief group that truly has helped keep me alive. When my youngest son died, I thought “how pitiful, I am somewhat prepared for this. I know what to expect.” I was wrong in some respects. You NEVER think you will lose a child, and you MOST CERTAINLY NEVER think you will lose two! I am so numb, still, and have trouble truly grieving. I go about my days as though I am one tough cookie, but my nights are truly a nightmare. And I drink too much to ward off the nightmares. I so don’t want to ride that roller coaster again….but thank God I have my church (which I discovered right before losing my second son….God knew I would need my church family), and I have a wonderful therapist. So hopefully there is hope for me!

  152. Susan  August 17, 2019 at 12:13 pm Reply

    I have lost my two sons….one 16 years ago at age 23, and my younger son 2 years ago at age 33 (he turned 33 while in the hospital). I was “lucky” in that my best friend lost her only son at age 13, several years before my oldest died. She helped prepare me for all the feelings and emotions, the craziness and roller coaster ride of grief. And I found an online grief group that truly has helped keep me alive. When my youngest son died, I thought “how pitiful, I am somewhat prepared for this. I know what to expect.” I was wrong in some respects. You NEVER think you will lose a child, and you MOST CERTAINLY NEVER think you will lose two! I am so numb, still, and have trouble truly grieving. I go about my days as though I am one tough cookie, but my nights are truly a nightmare. And I drink too much to ward off the nightmares. I so don’t want to ride that roller coaster again….but thank God I have my church (which I discovered right before losing my second son….God knew I would need my church family), and I have a wonderful therapist. So hopefully there is hope for me!

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  156. Addie  July 30, 2019 at 8:56 pm Reply

    This response is overwhelming. So many people in so much pain over the loss of a loved one. This platform helps so much to share with others who feel the same way they do, I really appreciate the opportunity to tell my story, my only son took his life, and I just didn’t know how to deal with it at all. I have cried, screamed, yelled, and begged him to come back, so I wrote him a poem and when I get so crazy with grief, I read this poem to myself. I would like to share it with you, maybe you could write one to your loved ones. Here goes,,,,,,,,

    “What do we do now, that our friends are all gone, and we are left here all alone;
    To face this life without you here, But in our hearts, you are always near;
    We miss you so much we can hardly breathe, and hard to think you had to leave;
    Our thoughts are always running wild, some are raging and sone are mild;
    But mostly when we sit and sigh, we think of you and start to cry;
    You left us in a very bad way, your pain was so great You couldn’t stay ;
    When we laugh we feel it’s wrong, when we then realize you are gone;
    We lost a son and a brother, and their will never be another;
    We both understand and very much care, your pain, was to hard to bear;
    Bunt now you’ve ran your race in life, no more pain stress or strife;
    We will love you till’ the end of time, and even tho you left us behind;
    We’ll catch up with you someday, and together we will always stay
    Until we meet again, I love you my precious son”

  157. Addie  July 30, 2019 at 8:56 pm Reply

    This response is overwhelming. So many people in so much pain over the loss of a loved one. This platform helps so much to share with others who feel the same way they do, I really appreciate the opportunity to tell my story, my only son took his life, and I just didn’t know how to deal with it at all. I have cried, screamed, yelled, and begged him to come back, so I wrote him a poem and when I get so crazy with grief, I read this poem to myself. I would like to share it with you, maybe you could write one to your loved ones. Here goes,,,,,,,,

    “What do we do now, that our friends are all gone, and we are left here all alone;
    To face this life without you here, But in our hearts, you are always near;
    We miss you so much we can hardly breathe, and hard to think you had to leave;
    Our thoughts are always running wild, some are raging and sone are mild;
    But mostly when we sit and sigh, we think of you and start to cry;
    You left us in a very bad way, your pain was so great You couldn’t stay ;
    When we laugh we feel it’s wrong, when we then realize you are gone;
    We lost a son and a brother, and their will never be another;
    We both understand and very much care, your pain, was to hard to bear;
    Bunt now you’ve ran your race in life, no more pain stress or strife;
    We will love you till’ the end of time, and even tho you left us behind;
    We’ll catch up with you someday, and together we will always stay
    Until we meet again, I love you my precious son”

  158. Addie  July 30, 2019 at 8:56 pm Reply

    This response is overwhelming. So many people in so much pain over the loss of a loved one. This platform helps so much to share with others who feel the same way they do, I really appreciate the opportunity to tell my story, my only son took his life, and I just didn’t know how to deal with it at all. I have cried, screamed, yelled, and begged him to come back, so I wrote him a poem and when I get so crazy with grief, I read this poem to myself. I would like to share it with you, maybe you could write one to your loved ones. Here goes,,,,,,,,

    “What do we do now, that our friends are all gone, and we are left here all alone;
    To face this life without you here, But in our hearts, you are always near;
    We miss you so much we can hardly breathe, and hard to think you had to leave;
    Our thoughts are always running wild, some are raging and sone are mild;
    But mostly when we sit and sigh, we think of you and start to cry;
    You left us in a very bad way, your pain was so great You couldn’t stay ;
    When we laugh we feel it’s wrong, when we then realize you are gone;
    We lost a son and a brother, and their will never be another;
    We both understand and very much care, your pain, was to hard to bear;
    Bunt now you’ve ran your race in life, no more pain stress or strife;
    We will love you till’ the end of time, and even tho you left us behind;
    We’ll catch up with you someday, and together we will always stay
    Until we meet again, I love you my precious son”

    • Monica  August 20, 2019 at 5:39 pm Reply

      I too lost my only son; he was 16, he too took his own life July 6, 2017. Your poem touched me emencely. These words are exactly how I feel. Beautifully said.

      • Rebecca  September 11, 2019 at 5:29 pm

        Oh God, if only this site existed 6 years ago when I lost my only son/child because he was struck by a speeding car with ice on the windshield so he had NO VISIBILITY! I tried a grief support group once 2 months after it happened. I was hysterical because I was picking up everyone else’s vibe. Never went back. I felt like someone cut the top of my head off and scooped out half of my brain. I just recently started to get brief glimpses of Hope and light by reading Laura Lynne Jackson’s books on signs they send us from the other side to let us know that they are OK. I thought, “oh well, this is sweet, but hokey.” Another failed attempt to feel ANYTHING that might make me excited about my life again. But GUESS WHAT? I made myself pay attention. I prayed to my spirits to send me signs and I promised to TRY to play this game! It happened over and over so much so I thought I was really creeping over the edge this time. My heart and soul and head were suddenly synced. I felt manic! I didn’t know what to do with all my new found energy. My husband found a way to squelch my joy, so I just went back to “Down Town”. I fought it though and slowly but surely I am doing exactly what I was doing, reading the same kind of books and crying out my requests for signs to the Universe and I am getting so many answers! Thanks for letting me ramble. That’s what happens when you “check out” for 6 years of your life! Try anything to come back to the surface if even it is a temporary respite. I don’t know if this will last but it sure is fun! God bless you people for starting this site!! I will definitely be back.

  159. Jennifer  July 27, 2019 at 10:35 pm Reply

    I wish someone had told me that I would lay in bed for years as life passed me by and ever so slowly die of a broken soul that no one can see. That my only friends would be my two cats and whatever movie I can get lost in…….because if they had, I could have prevented it .

  160. Jennifer  July 27, 2019 at 10:35 pm Reply

    I wish someone had told me that I would lay in bed for years as life passed me by and ever so slowly die of a broken soul that no one can see. That my only friends would be my two cats and whatever movie I can get lost in…….because if they had, I could have prevented it .

  161. Jennifer  July 27, 2019 at 10:35 pm Reply

    I wish someone had told me that I would lay in bed for years as life passed me by and ever so slowly die of a broken soul that no one can see. That my only friends would be my two cats and whatever movie I can get lost in…….because if they had, I could have prevented it .

    • Anon  September 30, 2019 at 12:28 pm Reply

      You said it precisely. I am the living dead and i cant go on. There is no on here. I have a gun and will use it. I wosh someone would have killed me young. Before i thought my life would be good, loved and joyful. Not!!! I wish i would have died young before everything went to hell.

  162. Kori  July 12, 2019 at 9:54 am Reply

    My baby girl was born with Pulmonary Hypertension and we were told when she was one years old she wouldn’t make it to be five and see kinder. She fought and made it to 13 years and 8 days she passed April 28th 2019.
    I was warned of many things but not the physical pain, the deep pain in my chest along with the heavy weight on my shoulders and chest. Or the fact I would shut down. I DONT KNOW WHERE I WAS. I hear stories of me sitting and shaking uncontrollably and sometimes I will still be sitting and the sam memory that made me smile earlier that week makes me weep.
    I also gained knowledge of compound grief as we lost my father figure March 15th 2019. They believe this is what lead to my shut down. This list reconfirmed I needed to forgive myself… as I still have three baby girls to care for. And thank goodness they understood and forgave me for.being MIA.

    I would add that grief can physically shut you down.
    And you may come out blunt and no filter there after.
    My daughter has a page
    Lilly’s PHlight & hope 4 a cure

    Thank you for your time.

  163. Kori  July 12, 2019 at 9:54 am Reply

    My baby girl was born with Pulmonary Hypertension and we were told when she was one years old she wouldn’t make it to be five and see kinder. She fought and made it to 13 years and 8 days she passed April 28th 2019.
    I was warned of many things but not the physical pain, the deep pain in my chest along with the heavy weight on my shoulders and chest. Or the fact I would shut down. I DONT KNOW WHERE I WAS. I hear stories of me sitting and shaking uncontrollably and sometimes I will still be sitting and the sam memory that made me smile earlier that week makes me weep.
    I also gained knowledge of compound grief as we lost my father figure March 15th 2019. They believe this is what lead to my shut down. This list reconfirmed I needed to forgive myself… as I still have three baby girls to care for. And thank goodness they understood and forgave me for.being MIA.

    I would add that grief can physically shut you down.
    And you may come out blunt and no filter there after.
    My daughter has a page
    Lilly’s PHlight & hope 4 a cure

    Thank you for your time.

  164. Kori  July 12, 2019 at 9:54 am Reply

    My baby girl was born with Pulmonary Hypertension and we were told when she was one years old she wouldn’t make it to be five and see kinder. She fought and made it to 13 years and 8 days she passed April 28th 2019.
    I was warned of many things but not the physical pain, the deep pain in my chest along with the heavy weight on my shoulders and chest. Or the fact I would shut down. I DONT KNOW WHERE I WAS. I hear stories of me sitting and shaking uncontrollably and sometimes I will still be sitting and the sam memory that made me smile earlier that week makes me weep.
    I also gained knowledge of compound grief as we lost my father figure March 15th 2019. They believe this is what lead to my shut down. This list reconfirmed I needed to forgive myself… as I still have three baby girls to care for. And thank goodness they understood and forgave me for.being MIA.

    I would add that grief can physically shut you down.
    And you may come out blunt and no filter there after.
    My daughter has a page
    Lilly’s PHlight & hope 4 a cure

    Thank you for your time.

  165. Frances Hart  July 11, 2019 at 8:12 am Reply

    I tried to read all the comments before adding this but there are just so many!
    Grief shows you that Life is not forever. Life ends. Celebrating what you HAD and what you HAVE are possible when you don’t focus on what you LOST.
    We are who we are because we loved our people in the time we HAD. I celebrate the Joy and Love of my husband, my parents, my sister and all my people who have died. And I celebrate where I am NOW with all those who still walk with me.❤️ I remember and smile when I remember the people who have died. ❤️

  166. Frances Hart  July 11, 2019 at 8:12 am Reply

    I tried to read all the comments before adding this but there are just so many!
    Grief shows you that Life is not forever. Life ends. Celebrating what you HAD and what you HAVE are possible when you don’t focus on what you LOST.
    We are who we are because we loved our people in the time we HAD. I celebrate the Joy and Love of my husband, my parents, my sister and all my people who have died. And I celebrate where I am NOW with all those who still walk with me.❤️ I remember and smile when I remember the people who have died. ❤️

  167. Frances Hart  July 11, 2019 at 8:12 am Reply

    I tried to read all the comments before adding this but there are just so many!
    Grief shows you that Life is not forever. Life ends. Celebrating what you HAD and what you HAVE are possible when you don’t focus on what you LOST.
    We are who we are because we loved our people in the time we HAD. I celebrate the Joy and Love of my husband, my parents, my sister and all my people who have died. And I celebrate where I am NOW with all those who still walk with me.❤️ I remember and smile when I remember the people who have died. ❤️

  168. Lisa Provost  July 10, 2019 at 12:25 pm Reply

    This list is gold. I lost both parents in 2017, six weeks apart after being their caregiver for 15 years. I then lost my family home last year, the one I grew up in and lived in most of my life. I’m still not okay. I miss my parents so much but I miss my home even more. It was the last straw that broke me. It was my history, my memories, I was forced to leave and my life hasn’t been as good since. I am very alone now and scared for my future and all I can think of is how did this happen? Life is definitely not fair at all. I see A LOT A LOT A LOT of caregivers go through this and it’s maddening and upsetting. We are tossed in the wind after and there is no help for us. In fact all the help I was getting went away and I am struggling and can’t get it back. I was here for nothing more than to take care of them and I have no purpose now. My own health is suffering and my mental health is the worst it’s ever been. Most of my family is gone, I have some left and when they go then I’m really alone. Yes I’m seeing a therapist, it took me two years to find the right one. I tried grief groups they didn’t work out at all. Grief is messy is right. It almost killed me. And yes I have lost a lot of friends, I’m just not the same person and I can’t pretend for everyone. I feel like I will never really be out of this phase of my life, things are not turning around. I mean really tiny things here and there and I’m grateful. But I feel like I get hit by a train over and over and over. And so many others are going through the same thing. Caregivers don’t have rights, that’s what I have learned. We sacrifice our lives to be all to someone, or many someone’s. We do it out of love, I didn’t want anything out of it, just peace after they were gone. I didn’t get it. Especially after how my mom died. She was treated so badly at the hospital and then died in rehab because they ignored what was going on with her. We’ll never get over it. Anyway, thanks for listening. I see so many of you in pain. I’m so sorry for all of your losses. I agree with another poster and in fact I’ve decided there is no such thing as karma in this world. And not at all just talking about myself I have so many good friends suffering. This has all made me look at the big picture and there isn’t one. It’s a random soup of crap every day. Sometimes good, sometimes bad. And yes I’m angry and feel too many good people suffer. I can’t let it go, I breathe it every day.

  169. Lisa Provost  July 10, 2019 at 12:25 pm Reply

    This list is gold. I lost both parents in 2017, six weeks apart after being their caregiver for 15 years. I then lost my family home last year, the one I grew up in and lived in most of my life. I’m still not okay. I miss my parents so much but I miss my home even more. It was the last straw that broke me. It was my history, my memories, I was forced to leave and my life hasn’t been as good since. I am very alone now and scared for my future and all I can think of is how did this happen? Life is definitely not fair at all. I see A LOT A LOT A LOT of caregivers go through this and it’s maddening and upsetting. We are tossed in the wind after and there is no help for us. In fact all the help I was getting went away and I am struggling and can’t get it back. I was here for nothing more than to take care of them and I have no purpose now. My own health is suffering and my mental health is the worst it’s ever been. Most of my family is gone, I have some left and when they go then I’m really alone. Yes I’m seeing a therapist, it took me two years to find the right one. I tried grief groups they didn’t work out at all. Grief is messy is right. It almost killed me. And yes I have lost a lot of friends, I’m just not the same person and I can’t pretend for everyone. I feel like I will never really be out of this phase of my life, things are not turning around. I mean really tiny things here and there and I’m grateful. But I feel like I get hit by a train over and over and over. And so many others are going through the same thing. Caregivers don’t have rights, that’s what I have learned. We sacrifice our lives to be all to someone, or many someone’s. We do it out of love, I didn’t want anything out of it, just peace after they were gone. I didn’t get it. Especially after how my mom died. She was treated so badly at the hospital and then died in rehab because they ignored what was going on with her. We’ll never get over it. Anyway, thanks for listening. I see so many of you in pain. I’m so sorry for all of your losses. I agree with another poster and in fact I’ve decided there is no such thing as karma in this world. And not at all just talking about myself I have so many good friends suffering. This has all made me look at the big picture and there isn’t one. It’s a random soup of crap every day. Sometimes good, sometimes bad. And yes I’m angry and feel too many good people suffer. I can’t let it go, I breathe it every day.

  170. Lisa Provost  July 10, 2019 at 12:25 pm Reply

    This list is gold. I lost both parents in 2017, six weeks apart after being their caregiver for 15 years. I then lost my family home last year, the one I grew up in and lived in most of my life. I’m still not okay. I miss my parents so much but I miss my home even more. It was the last straw that broke me. It was my history, my memories, I was forced to leave and my life hasn’t been as good since. I am very alone now and scared for my future and all I can think of is how did this happen? Life is definitely not fair at all. I see A LOT A LOT A LOT of caregivers go through this and it’s maddening and upsetting. We are tossed in the wind after and there is no help for us. In fact all the help I was getting went away and I am struggling and can’t get it back. I was here for nothing more than to take care of them and I have no purpose now. My own health is suffering and my mental health is the worst it’s ever been. Most of my family is gone, I have some left and when they go then I’m really alone. Yes I’m seeing a therapist, it took me two years to find the right one. I tried grief groups they didn’t work out at all. Grief is messy is right. It almost killed me. And yes I have lost a lot of friends, I’m just not the same person and I can’t pretend for everyone. I feel like I will never really be out of this phase of my life, things are not turning around. I mean really tiny things here and there and I’m grateful. But I feel like I get hit by a train over and over and over. And so many others are going through the same thing. Caregivers don’t have rights, that’s what I have learned. We sacrifice our lives to be all to someone, or many someone’s. We do it out of love, I didn’t want anything out of it, just peace after they were gone. I didn’t get it. Especially after how my mom died. She was treated so badly at the hospital and then died in rehab because they ignored what was going on with her. We’ll never get over it. Anyway, thanks for listening. I see so many of you in pain. I’m so sorry for all of your losses. I agree with another poster and in fact I’ve decided there is no such thing as karma in this world. And not at all just talking about myself I have so many good friends suffering. This has all made me look at the big picture and there isn’t one. It’s a random soup of crap every day. Sometimes good, sometimes bad. And yes I’m angry and feel too many good people suffer. I can’t let it go, I breathe it every day.

    • Ellie  November 3, 2019 at 1:40 am Reply

      “We do it out of love, I didn’t want anything out of it, just peace after they were gone. I didn’t get it.”

      So true. Same with me

  171. Karen  July 7, 2019 at 10:23 pm Reply

    The physical effects of grief are unexpected and real. When my husband passed away deep horizontal ridges formed on all my finger and toe nails. Half my hair fell out and I was passing out for months. I was shocked at the thoughtless things people said. They weren’t meant to be mean, but it told me those people didn’t understand grief. I felt stifled because others didn’t Want to hear anything. And I had a need to talk about the most amazing man I ever met. Healing started at a Grief Share class where we were all encouraged to talk about our loved ones. Grief never ends, but is a testimony of the love shared in this life. It gets easier to bear, but there will always be moments when you are, once again, ambushed with this devastating loss.

  172. Karen  July 7, 2019 at 10:23 pm Reply

    The physical effects of grief are unexpected and real. When my husband passed away deep horizontal ridges formed on all my finger and toe nails. Half my hair fell out and I was passing out for months. I was shocked at the thoughtless things people said. They weren’t meant to be mean, but it told me those people didn’t understand grief. I felt stifled because others didn’t Want to hear anything. And I had a need to talk about the most amazing man I ever met. Healing started at a Grief Share class where we were all encouraged to talk about our loved ones. Grief never ends, but is a testimony of the love shared in this life. It gets easier to bear, but there will always be moments when you are, once again, ambushed with this devastating loss.

  173. Karen  July 7, 2019 at 10:23 pm Reply

    The physical effects of grief are unexpected and real. When my husband passed away deep horizontal ridges formed on all my finger and toe nails. Half my hair fell out and I was passing out for months. I was shocked at the thoughtless things people said. They weren’t meant to be mean, but it told me those people didn’t understand grief. I felt stifled because others didn’t Want to hear anything. And I had a need to talk about the most amazing man I ever met. Healing started at a Grief Share class where we were all encouraged to talk about our loved ones. Grief never ends, but is a testimony of the love shared in this life. It gets easier to bear, but there will always be moments when you are, once again, ambushed with this devastating loss.

  174. Ja. Madigan  June 17, 2019 at 5:25 pm Reply

    Here’s one: Plan the funeral arrangements that YOUR immediate family can handle emotionally NOT what everyone else wants. Wakes, and visitations and post funeral meals are not what my family wanted to do we didn’t. We went with a direct burial and committal ceremony and moved on together and processed our loss as a family, individually. We couldn’t handle being a grieving family on display in front of the extended family. Yes they meant well but traditions aren’t rules for living.

  175. Ja. Madigan  June 17, 2019 at 5:25 pm Reply

    Here’s one: Plan the funeral arrangements that YOUR immediate family can handle emotionally NOT what everyone else wants. Wakes, and visitations and post funeral meals are not what my family wanted to do we didn’t. We went with a direct burial and committal ceremony and moved on together and processed our loss as a family, individually. We couldn’t handle being a grieving family on display in front of the extended family. Yes they meant well but traditions aren’t rules for living.

  176. Ja. Madigan  June 17, 2019 at 5:25 pm Reply

    Here’s one: Plan the funeral arrangements that YOUR immediate family can handle emotionally NOT what everyone else wants. Wakes, and visitations and post funeral meals are not what my family wanted to do we didn’t. We went with a direct burial and committal ceremony and moved on together and processed our loss as a family, individually. We couldn’t handle being a grieving family on display in front of the extended family. Yes they meant well but traditions aren’t rules for living.

  177. Sean  June 14, 2019 at 11:21 pm Reply

    #56 is spot on; TIME does not heal all wounds. What I tell people is, “The pain will never go away, but with TIME, it becomes much more manageable”. Thank you for this wonderful website I will share it with many. God Bless

  178. Sean  June 14, 2019 at 11:21 pm Reply

    #56 is spot on; TIME does not heal all wounds. What I tell people is, “The pain will never go away, but with TIME, it becomes much more manageable”. Thank you for this wonderful website I will share it with many. God Bless

  179. Sean  June 14, 2019 at 11:21 pm Reply

    #56 is spot on; TIME does not heal all wounds. What I tell people is, “The pain will never go away, but with TIME, it becomes much more manageable”. Thank you for this wonderful website I will share it with many. God Bless

  180. ALISON HOBBS  June 2, 2019 at 11:10 am Reply

    Grieving can make you less tolerant, perhaps less patient but ultimately more resilient. Always ask for help. Learn about who you are becoming through the rituals and processes you choses whilst coming to terms with the knowledge that your loved one will never walk through your front door.

  181. ALISON HOBBS  June 2, 2019 at 11:10 am Reply

    Grieving can make you less tolerant, perhaps less patient but ultimately more resilient. Always ask for help. Learn about who you are becoming through the rituals and processes you choses whilst coming to terms with the knowledge that your loved one will never walk through your front door.

  182. ALISON HOBBS  June 2, 2019 at 11:10 am Reply

    Grieving can make you less tolerant, perhaps less patient but ultimately more resilient. Always ask for help. Learn about who you are becoming through the rituals and processes you choses whilst coming to terms with the knowledge that your loved one will never walk through your front door.

  183. Karin Aubrey  May 25, 2019 at 10:22 am Reply

    When i was in my 20’s my brother died. Everyone around my Mom and me kept telling ME to “be strong for your Mom… She just lost her Son” Inside i was screaming at them “You don’t understand!!!! I just lost my brother!!!” So the biggest thing you should add is this ..

    DO NOT tell other family members to “Be Strong” for someone.. This will hurt, it will serve to invalidate their own grief, it will cause feelings of guilt, and insecurity and it will also cause the person you are saying this to become withdrawn and stuff down their own emotions and grief. My Son just passed 10 days ago. I caught wind of someone telling my daughter to help support ME.. NONONO.. i posted on FB to NOT do this to her and why.. THIS is so important. Please allow ALL family and friends to grieve. we can all support each other as we able. Do not try to force anyone to support another. They may not be capable and you may be doing more harm than good.

  184. Karin Aubrey  May 25, 2019 at 10:22 am Reply

    When i was in my 20’s my brother died. Everyone around my Mom and me kept telling ME to “be strong for your Mom… She just lost her Son” Inside i was screaming at them “You don’t understand!!!! I just lost my brother!!!” So the biggest thing you should add is this ..

    DO NOT tell other family members to “Be Strong” for someone.. This will hurt, it will serve to invalidate their own grief, it will cause feelings of guilt, and insecurity and it will also cause the person you are saying this to become withdrawn and stuff down their own emotions and grief. My Son just passed 10 days ago. I caught wind of someone telling my daughter to help support ME.. NONONO.. i posted on FB to NOT do this to her and why.. THIS is so important. Please allow ALL family and friends to grieve. we can all support each other as we able. Do not try to force anyone to support another. They may not be capable and you may be doing more harm than good.

  185. Karin Aubrey  May 25, 2019 at 10:22 am Reply

    When i was in my 20’s my brother died. Everyone around my Mom and me kept telling ME to “be strong for your Mom… She just lost her Son” Inside i was screaming at them “You don’t understand!!!! I just lost my brother!!!” So the biggest thing you should add is this ..

    DO NOT tell other family members to “Be Strong” for someone.. This will hurt, it will serve to invalidate their own grief, it will cause feelings of guilt, and insecurity and it will also cause the person you are saying this to become withdrawn and stuff down their own emotions and grief. My Son just passed 10 days ago. I caught wind of someone telling my daughter to help support ME.. NONONO.. i posted on FB to NOT do this to her and why.. THIS is so important. Please allow ALL family and friends to grieve. we can all support each other as we able. Do not try to force anyone to support another. They may not be capable and you may be doing more harm than good.

    • Richard  June 23, 2019 at 6:28 am Reply

      Karin. Nice words. If God exists, why does he put us through so much misery?
      Things are not going well here. My mother flat out told me that she wished it
      was me who died instead of her FAVORITE son! Dad said to let it go. Mother
      was grieving! BS. She said it because she meant it. I now despise my mother.

      • Sheila Williams  June 24, 2019 at 1:23 pm

        I’m so sorry Richard. The remark your mother made is so wrong! I can’t imagine the deep pain it must cause on top of your loss. I send love and healing to you.

  186. Lorna Botelho  May 24, 2019 at 6:14 pm Reply

    After 1yr 7 mos of loosing my husband, I still cry daily, got to the grave for breakfast and chat and feel very alone even though I
    have grown children and grand-children. The pain gets better then it hits just as bad as it was when he first died. I don’t know
    when it will stop, but words from others do not help. The worst phrase from people ” Sorry for your trouble” even now!!!
    I am looking into a support group maybe but I don’t know if it will help? Good luck to everyone and God Bless

  187. Lorna Botelho  May 24, 2019 at 6:14 pm Reply

    After 1yr 7 mos of loosing my husband, I still cry daily, got to the grave for breakfast and chat and feel very alone even though I
    have grown children and grand-children. The pain gets better then it hits just as bad as it was when he first died. I don’t know
    when it will stop, but words from others do not help. The worst phrase from people ” Sorry for your trouble” even now!!!
    I am looking into a support group maybe but I don’t know if it will help? Good luck to everyone and God Bless

  188. Lorna Botelho  May 24, 2019 at 6:14 pm Reply

    After 1yr 7 mos of loosing my husband, I still cry daily, got to the grave for breakfast and chat and feel very alone even though I
    have grown children and grand-children. The pain gets better then it hits just as bad as it was when he first died. I don’t know
    when it will stop, but words from others do not help. The worst phrase from people ” Sorry for your trouble” even now!!!
    I am looking into a support group maybe but I don’t know if it will help? Good luck to everyone and God Bless

    • Sharon  June 2, 2019 at 7:09 am Reply

      (((hugs))). You’re still in the early stages of grief. People just don’t know what to say so you just have to think to yourself that they tried, even though it was the wrong thing to say. My pet peeve is “you’re so strong”. Well, not really. We tend to wear a “mask” to hide our pain. Blessings….

    • Marguerite  June 12, 2019 at 2:57 pm Reply

      It has been 2 years for me since my husband of 30 years passed away. I know what you mean, it comes flooding back after you think you have it handled. I learned to just let myself cry. I’ll be driving to work and just break out crying. It’s not a matter of being strong. You don’t get over it, you get through it. I’ve had to learn to be me instead of a wife, not easy, feel lost sometimes. But hang in there, take up a hobby. I’m painting the inside of my house. I’ve found God is a great comfort and I’ve starting praying for people that have a loss too.

      • Ailaunie M. Sword  August 11, 2019 at 5:54 pm

        It had been 6 years since my husband of 40 years died – woke up one morning and died from an anurism by the end of the day. He was healthy, fit and didn’t smoke or drink. I was in total shock for months and months – I totally pulled myself away from everyone – didn’t eat much, lost too much weight, didn’t drink much, just slept a lot. Even slept outside on the patio a few nights. I pushed everyone away except my 2 dogs who were my only responsibility and I did make sure they got fed and outside. When I look back, I’m both surprised and not surprised at my reactions. My husband and I did not have children – I was alone. I still feel alone, but the good memories I have now override the bad memories surrounding his death. I go day by day and try to enjoy as much as I can and try new activities and meet new people. In my opinion, surviving someones death is a horrible journey that you never truly stop having.

      • Laurie  December 10, 2019 at 1:41 am

        I would like to add to 64 things you never knew abot grief.
        It can make you feel like you can’t breathe or give you a tight achy pain near your heart. It can make you lose your appetite and have crying meltdowns on the one month anniversaries.
        The feeling of being alone is pretty bad when you lose your hudband that you loved with your whole heart and you still feel devastated after 4 months.
        You wonder how long it will take to feel somewhat like your old self. You feel like you need to start a new life and make new friends but you’re not ready to move on yet.

  189. Evelyn west  May 8, 2019 at 8:14 am Reply

    You should add to the list: After the loss of both parents, the sibling that volunteers to execute the estate might have bad intentions. Call the Social Security Administration to see if their ssn # is still active after their death. Be glad if you are wrong about it.

  190. Evelyn west  May 8, 2019 at 8:14 am Reply

    You should add to the list: After the loss of both parents, the sibling that volunteers to execute the estate might have bad intentions. Call the Social Security Administration to see if their ssn # is still active after their death. Be glad if you are wrong about it.

  191. Evelyn west  May 8, 2019 at 8:14 am Reply

    You should add to the list: After the loss of both parents, the sibling that volunteers to execute the estate might have bad intentions. Call the Social Security Administration to see if their ssn # is still active after their death. Be glad if you are wrong about it.

  192. Karen  May 5, 2019 at 11:07 pm Reply

    These words that people write will help I think. My Mom died in December, 2008, 11 years ago and I am struggling. Maybe I have complicated grief that I have read about. I have no children, no spouse, not in touch with family (one sibling left, much older, nieces, nephews) because after her death was very ugly. About 5 friends are very supportive but I cry all the time. Today I learned a friend my age will die soon from cancer. Every death I take so hard. I believe I may be an empath. It’s very hard to cope. I don’t know what to do. I need acceptance. Some days are better than others.

  193. Karen  May 5, 2019 at 11:07 pm Reply

    These words that people write will help I think. My Mom died in December, 2008, 11 years ago and I am struggling. Maybe I have complicated grief that I have read about. I have no children, no spouse, not in touch with family (one sibling left, much older, nieces, nephews) because after her death was very ugly. About 5 friends are very supportive but I cry all the time. Today I learned a friend my age will die soon from cancer. Every death I take so hard. I believe I may be an empath. It’s very hard to cope. I don’t know what to do. I need acceptance. Some days are better than others.

  194. Karen  May 5, 2019 at 11:07 pm Reply

    These words that people write will help I think. My Mom died in December, 2008, 11 years ago and I am struggling. Maybe I have complicated grief that I have read about. I have no children, no spouse, not in touch with family (one sibling left, much older, nieces, nephews) because after her death was very ugly. About 5 friends are very supportive but I cry all the time. Today I learned a friend my age will die soon from cancer. Every death I take so hard. I believe I may be an empath. It’s very hard to cope. I don’t know what to do. I need acceptance. Some days are better than others.

    • Jeannie  May 6, 2019 at 4:34 pm Reply

      Have you had help from Cruse ?

  195. Melissa Walsh  April 27, 2019 at 12:10 am Reply

    I lost my Mum 6 months ago and people don’t seem to understand what a huge loss that is . If it’s your child or your partner they do but because your parents are supposed to go before you they think you should be ok. I’m not, she was my world and I’m devastated and just would like to join her. Grief is the last taboo.

  196. Melissa Walsh  April 27, 2019 at 12:10 am Reply

    I lost my Mum 6 months ago and people don’t seem to understand what a huge loss that is . If it’s your child or your partner they do but because your parents are supposed to go before you they think you should be ok. I’m not, she was my world and I’m devastated and just would like to join her. Grief is the last taboo.

  197. Melissa Walsh  April 27, 2019 at 12:10 am Reply

    I lost my Mum 6 months ago and people don’t seem to understand what a huge loss that is . If it’s your child or your partner they do but because your parents are supposed to go before you they think you should be ok. I’m not, she was my world and I’m devastated and just would like to join her. Grief is the last taboo.

    • Tammy  April 30, 2019 at 8:05 pm Reply

      People who support you the first few days will move on and you are left to continue grieving

    • Lisa  May 2, 2019 at 8:52 pm Reply

      I am so sorry for your loss. I read somewhere that the loss of a mother is the first sorrow wept without her. I lost my Mom almost 2 years ago and sometimes I miss her so much I can hardly breathe. She was my best friend. They say grief comes in waves and today was a tidal wave. Reminders are everywhere with Mothers Day approaching and that has been the most difficult day for me. I promise you it won’t always hurt this much
      I’m sure your Mom would want you to be happy. That’s what gets me through my most difficult days.
      I hope you have caring friends and family to get you through. My sincere condolences for your loss.

    • Claire Bourdin  August 12, 2019 at 1:00 am Reply

      I sympathise with you completely. I lost my mother just over 6 months ago at the age of 97 & 4 months and I feel exactly the same as you do. Friends bothered at the beginning but now no one seems to phone. One or two do but that is all. And the bit about children and husbands is quite true. Mother’s are so important in your life and have been there all your life. My mother was in a home for just over a year and was very happy there, well looked after. She was my life, I used to go in twice a week to see her. Managed to tell her I loved her 2 days before she died & she said she did too. I have a partner and we are going to Greece next month. Hoping that will help. No I understand exactly how you feel. I live in Hove in the UK.

      Please have my e mail address: bourdin5@sky.com

      Best wishes, Claire

    • Tina  September 18, 2019 at 7:50 am Reply

      Melissa… I feel the deep pain! The children and partner part is true… people expect parents to go before us.. but they don’t understand the pain of losing mum… I lost my mum 9 mth ago on 2 Jan. she is only 62 and been healthy and fit.. died of annurisym.. so sudden..I just wish I had gone with her… she’s always been my best friend.. I think how much the pain it brings depending on how much they have enriched your life!! I’m very close with mum… and she’s given me all the love she can.. which i will not get from anyone else in this world ever! Not even from dad, not from your partner or kids ( I don’t have spouse or kids) but I’m sure that’s the case…
      If you feel like talking to your own feeling .. feel free to email me for a chat!! tinaq0921@yahoo.com

  198. Robin Richeson  April 26, 2019 at 12:02 am Reply

    My 17 year old daughter and her boyfriend lost their newborn daughter on April 11, 2019.

    My first Grandchild, Evalyn, was in distress and delivered by emergency c-section within 10 minutes of getting my daughter to the hospital. Evalyn only lived for four hours.

    I think what has helped the young parents the most is knowing Evalyn was going to help others have a chance at life by donating her organs. She was a beautiful baby; looked just like her Mom and me. She was perfect.

    Oh the things I would have done for my sweet granddaughter. ?

  199. Robin Richeson  April 26, 2019 at 12:02 am Reply

    My 17 year old daughter and her boyfriend lost their newborn daughter on April 11, 2019.

    My first Grandchild, Evalyn, was in distress and delivered by emergency c-section within 10 minutes of getting my daughter to the hospital. Evalyn only lived for four hours.

    I think what has helped the young parents the most is knowing Evalyn was going to help others have a chance at life by donating her organs. She was a beautiful baby; looked just like her Mom and me. She was perfect.

    Oh the things I would have done for my sweet granddaughter. ?

  200. Robin Richeson  April 26, 2019 at 12:02 am Reply

    My 17 year old daughter and her boyfriend lost their newborn daughter on April 11, 2019.

    My first Grandchild, Evalyn, was in distress and delivered by emergency c-section within 10 minutes of getting my daughter to the hospital. Evalyn only lived for four hours.

    I think what has helped the young parents the most is knowing Evalyn was going to help others have a chance at life by donating her organs. She was a beautiful baby; looked just like her Mom and me. She was perfect.

    Oh the things I would have done for my sweet granddaughter. 💔

  201. Susan Bowles  April 19, 2019 at 5:15 pm Reply

    Grief is absolute and awful. I lost the love of my life 4 weeks ago. I am devastated

  202. Susan Bowles  April 19, 2019 at 5:15 pm Reply

    Grief is absolute and awful. I lost the love of my life 4 weeks ago. I am devastated

  203. Susan Bowles  April 19, 2019 at 5:15 pm Reply

    Grief is absolute and awful. I lost the love of my life 4 weeks ago. I am devastated

    • Denise  June 8, 2019 at 3:10 pm Reply

      Susan,
      I lost my beloved husband on April 25, 2019.
      The pain is unbelievable.It is the deepest and most difficult pain I have ever experienced.
      I am sorry for both our losses, and I am grieving with you.

    • Joanna  June 13, 2019 at 4:31 am Reply

      I lost my husband very suddenly and unexpectedly at the end of January this year. He simply went out and never came home again. Believe me, I know what you’re going through, he was the love of my life and my best friend.

      • Margaret  July 14, 2019 at 11:24 am

        I hate to say this, but torture is the word I would use to describe my grief. I lost the love of my life on April 10th o a horrific car crash through no fault of his own…..he was just trying to get to work.

  204. S J  March 11, 2019 at 2:34 pm Reply

    No one told me. That My 2 adult stepdaughters would plan an out of town birthday celebration for my husband 3 weeks after my mothers death. I would have thought that with them knowing I was the one who had to give final authority ” to make my mother comfortable” while I was 8 hours away driving to get to her knowing I couldnt say goodbye in person that they would understand I didn’t want to be without my husband at night. In appalled at their insensivity & I won’t feel bad for feeling that way.

  205. S J  March 11, 2019 at 2:34 pm Reply

    No one told me. That My 2 adult stepdaughters would plan an out of town birthday celebration for my husband 3 weeks after my mothers death. I would have thought that with them knowing I was the one who had to give final authority ” to make my mother comfortable” while I was 8 hours away driving to get to her knowing I couldnt say goodbye in person that they would understand I didn’t want to be without my husband at night. In appalled at their insensivity & I won’t feel bad for feeling that way.

  206. S J  March 11, 2019 at 2:34 pm Reply

    No one told me. That My 2 adult stepdaughters would plan an out of town birthday celebration for my husband 3 weeks after my mothers death. I would have thought that with them knowing I was the one who had to give final authority ” to make my mother comfortable” while I was 8 hours away driving to get to her knowing I couldnt say goodbye in person that they would understand I didn’t want to be without my husband at night. In appalled at their insensivity & I won’t feel bad for feeling that way.

  207. Mehak  February 27, 2019 at 10:15 am Reply

    Grief is the necter that cleans your sins. So let grief come. Welcome it.accept it. It will not be pleasant but it will be enlightening.

  208. Mehak  February 27, 2019 at 10:15 am Reply

    Grief is the necter that cleans your sins. So let grief come. Welcome it.accept it. It will not be pleasant but it will be enlightening.

  209. Mehak  February 27, 2019 at 10:15 am Reply

    Grief is the necter that cleans your sins. So let grief come. Welcome it.accept it. It will not be pleasant but it will be enlightening.

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  216. Kp  February 3, 2019 at 9:28 pm Reply

    Thanks for this list. I haven’t read the comments but what I am realizing is grief can be physically exhausting. Lost both parents within a year. My mom was an unexpected loss. Dad had been sick. My mom passed first. I physically can’t do as much as I used to and I know it’s bevause I’m grieving even when I am not thinking about it. It’s like extra weight.

  217. Kp  February 3, 2019 at 9:28 pm Reply

    Thanks for this list. I haven’t read the comments but what I am realizing is grief can be physically exhausting. Lost both parents within a year. My mom was an unexpected loss. Dad had been sick. My mom passed first. I physically can’t do as much as I used to and I know it’s bevause I’m grieving even when I am not thinking about it. It’s like extra weight.

  218. Kp  February 3, 2019 at 9:28 pm Reply

    Thanks for this list. I haven’t read the comments but what I am realizing is grief can be physically exhausting. Lost both parents within a year. My mom was an unexpected loss. Dad had been sick. My mom passed first. I physically can’t do as much as I used to and I know it’s bevause I’m grieving even when I am not thinking about it. It’s like extra weight.

  219. Jera Gentry  January 27, 2019 at 4:41 pm Reply

    My 24 year old son, Ashton, was shot and killed 4 months ago. September 29th, 2018. No arrests. When your child is murdered, it brings about extra questions. The Who, what, and why. Questions I may never have answers to. The anger is real. Grief is incremental. It’s doesn’t go away, it changes. I’m stuck in an anger root right now. Also, people don’t get that your child is literally in your mind, 24/7! Literally. You don’t want to talk about anything else. Or, you don’t want to talk at all. You become a completely different person. Phony…fake if you will. I’ve become a liar. I wear a mask. It gets tiring to answer people honestly when they’re stupid enough to ask, “how are you? Are you okay?” You want to scream at them with 4 letter words, HOW DO YOU THINK I AM? In the beginning, I explained over and over I’m hurt, I’m numb, I’m angry, I’m unpredictable…now, I just say I’m alright with a little sarcasm. And walk away. I wear a mask in public, cause I can’t cry at the mall for the rest of my life. Oh and…grief is my new normal. It’s who I am.

  220. Jera Gentry  January 27, 2019 at 4:41 pm Reply

    My 24 year old son, Ashton, was shot and killed 4 months ago. September 29th, 2018. No arrests. When your child is murdered, it brings about extra questions. The Who, what, and why. Questions I may never have answers to. The anger is real. Grief is incremental. It’s doesn’t go away, it changes. I’m stuck in an anger root right now. Also, people don’t get that your child is literally in your mind, 24/7! Literally. You don’t want to talk about anything else. Or, you don’t want to talk at all. You become a completely different person. Phony…fake if you will. I’ve become a liar. I wear a mask. It gets tiring to answer people honestly when they’re stupid enough to ask, “how are you? Are you okay?” You want to scream at them with 4 letter words, HOW DO YOU THINK I AM? In the beginning, I explained over and over I’m hurt, I’m numb, I’m angry, I’m unpredictable…now, I just say I’m alright with a little sarcasm. And walk away. I wear a mask in public, cause I can’t cry at the mall for the rest of my life. Oh and…grief is my new normal. It’s who I am.

  221. Jera Gentry  January 27, 2019 at 4:41 pm Reply

    My 24 year old son, Ashton, was shot and killed 4 months ago. September 29th, 2018. No arrests. When your child is murdered, it brings about extra questions. The Who, what, and why. Questions I may never have answers to. The anger is real. Grief is incremental. It’s doesn’t go away, it changes. I’m stuck in an anger root right now. Also, people don’t get that your child is literally in your mind, 24/7! Literally. You don’t want to talk about anything else. Or, you don’t want to talk at all. You become a completely different person. Phony…fake if you will. I’ve become a liar. I wear a mask. It gets tiring to answer people honestly when they’re stupid enough to ask, “how are you? Are you okay?” You want to scream at them with 4 letter words, HOW DO YOU THINK I AM? In the beginning, I explained over and over I’m hurt, I’m numb, I’m angry, I’m unpredictable…now, I just say I’m alright with a little sarcasm. And walk away. I wear a mask in public, cause I can’t cry at the mall for the rest of my life. Oh and…grief is my new normal. It’s who I am.

    • Mel  April 21, 2019 at 11:03 pm Reply

      I am sorry this happened to you. If you need to cry in the mall then I say do it. You have every right to be angry. I have wore a mask out in public and it isn’t pleasant. If people don’t want to know how you are really feeling they shouldn’t ask.

    • Tracy  May 29, 2019 at 4:43 pm Reply

      I am so very, very sorry for what you are going through in the tragic, violent loss of your son. I am going through a devastated loss as well, and yet I wish somebody would ask “how are you” to me. Nobody does. It’s as if nothing happened and I am supposed to just roll with the tide as if my world is not shattered and gone. How I wish just one person would acknowledge my loss by asking how I am doing. Maybe I wouldn’t feel so desperately alone and hopeless in this suffocating grief.

      • Becky  June 25, 2019 at 7:27 am

        I’m so sorry that no-one has had the decency and compassion to ask how you are, unfortunately grief is a frightening thing for many people and they sometimes feel it’s better to say nothing than say the wrong thing. I wish you the strength and courage to bear it and to heal.

  222. Dottie Moore  January 23, 2019 at 6:35 pm Reply

    The only 2 things i can think of to add to this list is that i wish i had ran across it or someone had sent it to me before my precious mama passed away Jan. 29 2018. The other thing I’d add is i wish my BFF had read it & had transformed into the human she had once been & been there for me when i realized 2 months after mom died that she was Really gone forever, that id Never see her again in my lifetime. I freaked out & when my now former bff ignored my calls & texts i finally admitted to myself what a narcisstic fair weather user she had slowly but surely became in the past 20 yrs

  223. Dottie Moore  January 23, 2019 at 6:35 pm Reply

    The only 2 things i can think of to add to this list is that i wish i had ran across it or someone had sent it to me before my precious mama passed away Jan. 29 2018. The other thing I’d add is i wish my BFF had read it & had transformed into the human she had once been & been there for me when i realized 2 months after mom died that she was Really gone forever, that id Never see her again in my lifetime. I freaked out & when my now former bff ignored my calls & texts i finally admitted to myself what a narcisstic fair weather user she had slowly but surely became in the past 20 yrs

  224. Dottie Moore  January 23, 2019 at 6:35 pm Reply

    The only 2 things i can think of to add to this list is that i wish i had ran across it or someone had sent it to me before my precious mama passed away Jan. 29 2018. The other thing I’d add is i wish my BFF had read it & had transformed into the human she had once been & been there for me when i realized 2 months after mom died that she was Really gone forever, that id Never see her again in my lifetime. I freaked out & when my now former bff ignored my calls & texts i finally admitted to myself what a narcisstic fair weather user she had slowly but surely became in the past 20 yrs

  225. Sunny  January 20, 2019 at 12:59 am Reply

    During the last years I have lost my father and three brothers by suicide. The last one in June 2018. Life was hard for me and grief will never end I think. Now people are bullying me and say: When will you take your own life and continue your family’s Tradition. It is hard to stand against these people . But what is wrong with them to ask me questions like that?

  226. Sunny  January 20, 2019 at 12:59 am Reply

    During the last years I have lost my father and three brothers by suicide. The last one in June 2018. Life was hard for me and grief will never end I think. Now people are bullying me and say: When will you take your own life and continue your family’s Tradition. It is hard to stand against these people . But what is wrong with them to ask me questions like that?

  227. Sunny  January 20, 2019 at 12:59 am Reply

    During the last years I have lost my father and three brothers by suicide. The last one in June 2018. Life was hard for me and grief will never end I think. Now people are bullying me and say: When will you take your own life and continue your family’s Tradition. It is hard to stand against these people . But what is wrong with them to ask me questions like that?

    • Marlen Alcindor  January 21, 2019 at 9:07 am Reply

      The cruelty of some people these days doesn’t surprise me and I am sorry this happened to you.

    • Em  January 23, 2019 at 4:42 am Reply

      I deeply feel for your losses. I recently lost a third brother whom I had know until last year for 41years of my life. My heart misses him. I lost two brothers to suicide years ago when we were teenagers and I grieve still the second one. Please reach out to support networks. These people who are bullying you are not worth it. They have their own insecurities and leave them to it. You are worth it. Every piece of you.

      It is hard sometimes- I get it. Know you are worth it. Peace

    • Lydia  January 26, 2019 at 1:34 am Reply

      I am so sorry. People can be horrible. I will never understand people like that and what kind of moral compass they have. Your losses are immense and the last thing you need are people like that. I just wanted to say how sorry I am you have to go through all this.

    • June fun dir Merve  March 11, 2019 at 1:35 am Reply

      Look behind the person saying these things to you, there is an enemy/force behind these people that wants to destroy you. once you realise the person in front of you is being used, you can forgive /stop blaming the person and stand stronger. Speak out against it and say it will not destroy you. the person being used may think you lost your marbles, but that is okay. You will let the enemy know you are not afraid and you will be stronger for it. Knowledge is power.

      Give yourself permission to feel what you are feeling and live it. grief is an emotion and if you may be happy, joyful etc, you may also be sad. Enjoy the moment like all other emotional moments. if you cry in a theater, people understand. They will have to learn to understand your grief. it is on them.

  228. ROBERT M FRUMKIN  January 14, 2019 at 3:47 pm Reply

    Grief demands you take care of yourself

  229. ROBERT M FRUMKIN  January 14, 2019 at 3:47 pm Reply

    Grief demands you take care of yourself

  230. ROBERT M FRUMKIN  January 14, 2019 at 3:47 pm Reply

    Grief demands you take care of yourself

  231. Terri Daniel, MA, CT  January 13, 2019 at 11:38 am Reply

    Speaking as a clinical chaplain certified in death, dying and bereavement by the Association for Death Education and Counseling with 12 years of hospice experience (and having lost a child myself),while many of the points on this list were good, some were incorrect and downright irresponsible, and should never be included on a list like this.

    Some of these statements were made as if they were absolute truths, and it made me wonder if the person who wrote this list had any knowledge of contemporary grief theory and counseling. I would strongly urge you to rewrite the following statements. It can be as simple as inserting the words “sometimes” or “can be” or “for some people” so that you’re not making blanket statements as if they apply to everybody in every situation. For what it’s worth, here are my comments:

    “Holidays, anniversaries, and birthdays will be hard forever.”
    This is a terrible thing tell a grieving person. It is not an absolute truth, and is not true for all people. Some people are more resilient than others, and resilience is not a sign of denial or suppression of feelings. We can learn to make those events joyful, where we remember the loved one with fondness rather than despondence.

    “You lose yourself, your identity, meaning, purpose, values, your trust””
    Why is this stated as an absolute? While it certainly CAN be true, it is not true for all people in all situations. It depends on a variety of multiple factors surrounding the death, including the relationship to the deceased, the type of death, the presence (or lack) of social support, spiritual perspectives, and dozens of other factors.

    “However badly you think it is going to hurt, it is going to be a million times worse”
    Nobody with any knowledge or skill in grief support would make a statement like this. Again, it depends on all the factors listed above, and much more.

    “There is no normal when it comes to grieving.”
    Loss and grief are normal parts of human experience, and there IS a “normal” trajectory for healthy grieving. But some people develop “complicated grief,” which is unhealthy and can sometimes even be pathological.

    “Grief makes you feel like you are going crazy.”
    This may be true for some people, but not for others. Grief is a normal response to loss, and to teach people that it always makes you feel like you’re going crazy is just plain wrong.

    “Dying is not like you see on TV or in the movies. It is not peaceful or prepared.”
    This is an absurd statement. I have witnessed dozens of peaceful, prepared, beautiful deaths.

    I hope you will consider re-writing that list with the help of someone trained in grief counseling. It could be a valuable tool, but as it is now, I would never share it with my clients or students.

  232. Terri Daniel, MA, CT  January 13, 2019 at 11:38 am Reply

    Speaking as a clinical chaplain certified in death, dying and bereavement by the Association for Death Education and Counseling with 12 years of hospice experience (and having lost a child myself),while many of the points on this list were good, some were incorrect and downright irresponsible, and should never be included on a list like this.

    Some of these statements were made as if they were absolute truths, and it made me wonder if the person who wrote this list had any knowledge of contemporary grief theory and counseling. I would strongly urge you to rewrite the following statements. It can be as simple as inserting the words “sometimes” or “can be” or “for some people” so that you’re not making blanket statements as if they apply to everybody in every situation. For what it’s worth, here are my comments:

    “Holidays, anniversaries, and birthdays will be hard forever.”
    This is a terrible thing tell a grieving person. It is not an absolute truth, and is not true for all people. Some people are more resilient than others, and resilience is not a sign of denial or suppression of feelings. We can learn to make those events joyful, where we remember the loved one with fondness rather than despondence.

    “You lose yourself, your identity, meaning, purpose, values, your trust””
    Why is this stated as an absolute? While it certainly CAN be true, it is not true for all people in all situations. It depends on a variety of multiple factors surrounding the death, including the relationship to the deceased, the type of death, the presence (or lack) of social support, spiritual perspectives, and dozens of other factors.

    “However badly you think it is going to hurt, it is going to be a million times worse”
    Nobody with any knowledge or skill in grief support would make a statement like this. Again, it depends on all the factors listed above, and much more.

    “There is no normal when it comes to grieving.”
    Loss and grief are normal parts of human experience, and there IS a “normal” trajectory for healthy grieving. But some people develop “complicated grief,” which is unhealthy and can sometimes even be pathological.

    “Grief makes you feel like you are going crazy.”
    This may be true for some people, but not for others. Grief is a normal response to loss, and to teach people that it always makes you feel like you’re going crazy is just plain wrong.

    “Dying is not like you see on TV or in the movies. It is not peaceful or prepared.”
    This is an absurd statement. I have witnessed dozens of peaceful, prepared, beautiful deaths.

    I hope you will consider re-writing that list with the help of someone trained in grief counseling. It could be a valuable tool, but as it is now, I would never share it with my clients or students.

  233. Terri Daniel, MA, CT  January 13, 2019 at 11:38 am Reply

    Speaking as a clinical chaplain certified in death, dying and bereavement by the Association for Death Education and Counseling with 12 years of hospice experience (and having lost a child myself),while many of the points on this list were good, some were incorrect and downright irresponsible, and should never be included on a list like this.

    Some of these statements were made as if they were absolute truths, and it made me wonder if the person who wrote this list had any knowledge of contemporary grief theory and counseling. I would strongly urge you to rewrite the following statements. It can be as simple as inserting the words “sometimes” or “can be” or “for some people” so that you’re not making blanket statements as if they apply to everybody in every situation. For what it’s worth, here are my comments:

    “Holidays, anniversaries, and birthdays will be hard forever.”
    This is a terrible thing tell a grieving person. It is not an absolute truth, and is not true for all people. Some people are more resilient than others, and resilience is not a sign of denial or suppression of feelings. We can learn to make those events joyful, where we remember the loved one with fondness rather than despondence.

    “You lose yourself, your identity, meaning, purpose, values, your trust””
    Why is this stated as an absolute? While it certainly CAN be true, it is not true for all people in all situations. It depends on a variety of multiple factors surrounding the death, including the relationship to the deceased, the type of death, the presence (or lack) of social support, spiritual perspectives, and dozens of other factors.

    “However badly you think it is going to hurt, it is going to be a million times worse”
    Nobody with any knowledge or skill in grief support would make a statement like this. Again, it depends on all the factors listed above, and much more.

    “There is no normal when it comes to grieving.”
    Loss and grief are normal parts of human experience, and there IS a “normal” trajectory for healthy grieving. But some people develop “complicated grief,” which is unhealthy and can sometimes even be pathological.

    “Grief makes you feel like you are going crazy.”
    This may be true for some people, but not for others. Grief is a normal response to loss, and to teach people that it always makes you feel like you’re going crazy is just plain wrong.

    “Dying is not like you see on TV or in the movies. It is not peaceful or prepared.”
    This is an absurd statement. I have witnessed dozens of peaceful, prepared, beautiful deaths.

    I hope you will consider re-writing that list with the help of someone trained in grief counseling. It could be a valuable tool, but as it is now, I would never share it with my clients or students.

    • Carol  January 13, 2019 at 11:05 pm Reply

      Thank you for your words of wisdom
      Hugs

    • Xisca Nicolas  January 15, 2019 at 3:50 pm Reply

      You mention having “lost” a child, and using this word, lost, has some drawbacks, as it had for my mom when she was a child! She heard so many times her mother say she regretted to have “lost” her baby, and my mom as a child thought “why did not dad go and look for the lost baby as he knows the forest well?”
      She understood suddenly one day that this baby had died. She heard the expression when she knew that the person had died, and she understood.
      How many years of distrust, of being lost and nobody will care? I could see her fear with us, her children. She had the fear that we could fear to be abandoned!
      Please can you introduce in your work to use a proper word and be careful with children that get the direct meaning of a word. Fear of abandonment is known to be very deep, and it should not be associated with death!

      • Smidgen Barnes  January 16, 2019 at 12:06 am

        “Losing” a child doesn’t always mean that the child died. As sorry as I am that your mom spent years fearing abandonment, the responsibility for her misunderstanding was her parents’, not the author’s. Children can be given up for adoption, taken by the state or kidnapped, addicted and out of touch, estranged for unknown reasons…”lost” has lots of meanings, not all of which equate to “death”.

    • Jill Schlapper  January 20, 2019 at 8:52 am Reply

      I have been privileged to be with my parents when they passed. I also work with Hospice and have witnessed and heard many moving stories. I agree Terri, when I read this list, although there were some real good points, there were many that were worded poorly. Each person experiences death and grief in their own way. It is important however they find help through family, friends, church or support group. When reading this list, please remember this is one person’s perspective.

    • Kira  January 28, 2019 at 11:20 pm Reply

      I think you just made a few statements that should not be on this list either. You may have seen many beautiful deaths, but that’s not the way it always goes. Death – dying – can be really hard and unpleasant. My husband was in hospice at home ( they didn’t do a great job, but that’s another story) and had a pretty “unpleasant” death. Not peaceful, not beautiful. And a few of my friends have also had non-peaceful, non beautiful deaths. Dying can be hard and can take a while, and just because someone is drugged out at the very end doesn’t mean it was peaceful. This is real.

    • Brooke Sydney-Smith  March 14, 2019 at 8:13 pm Reply

      You also can’t make the blanket statement that death is beautiful.
      When we watched my friend collapse and die at school (we were fourteen) it wasn’t beautiful.
      We watched her dead body come out and the paramedics doing CPR and we knew.
      The silence, the death. We were watching.

  234. Stacey  January 12, 2019 at 11:44 pm Reply

    Don’t compare your or others love for a person based on your/ their expression of grief

    It’s ok not to visit the memorial or grave. You will go when you are ready or you may never go the main thing is it’s ok you can remember in different ways.

  235. Stacey  January 12, 2019 at 11:44 pm Reply

    Don’t compare your or others love for a person based on your/ their expression of grief

    It’s ok not to visit the memorial or grave. You will go when you are ready or you may never go the main thing is it’s ok you can remember in different ways.

  236. Stacey  January 12, 2019 at 11:44 pm Reply

    Don’t compare your or others love for a person based on your/ their expression of grief

    It’s ok not to visit the memorial or grave. You will go when you are ready or you may never go the main thing is it’s ok you can remember in different ways.

  237. Laura  January 12, 2019 at 11:01 pm Reply

    No one tells you that your siblings continue to live their lives and that you become the only one to care for your physical disabled mother.
    I dropped everything to care for my daddy when he was diagnosed with cancer. I took him to Every appointment, Chemo, Radiation every Specialist, every doctor.
    I always made sure he had whatever he needed, from meds to oxygen and everything in between.
    Kept charts of appointments, meds, breathing treatments. I wouldn’t give up 1 second of the time I had with him.
    He was my Rock, my Hero.
    I don’t know how it became my job but I’m so proud it did. Because I now know that no one else could’ve done it better.
    My mom couldn’t handle any of it.
    She said some things that just made me SMH…
    Like when he came home from the hospital with oxygen… she said “I don’t like that, you with oxygen….
    OMG that’s like saying “I don’t like you breathing!!!”
    She went with us once to his Chemo appointment and she says.. “I don’t like seeing all those sick people!!”
    Holy S#¡t my Daddy is one of those “Sick People ”
    You would think that with 55 years of MARRIAGE she would me more understanding??

    My Daddy and I have always been close.
    It has killed me, I have my own health issues and am so severely depressed that I struggle everyday just to get up…..
    BUTTTT
    I’m now taking care of my mom because I guess that’s my job now.
    I have 3 siblings but feel like an only child, I have no life of my own… No one tells you that your siblings expect you to be the sole caregiver of your parents!
    I feel like I’ve not been able to grieve because I been thrown into “my” next “job!”
    I love my mom dearly, but we butt heads about a lot of things.
    I’m used to living alone with my son but now we live with her (she can’t live alone with her physical limitations) so that has been a HUGE adjustment.
    I miss my daddy every single MOMENT!
    No one tells you that no matter how many days pass…. you’ll Never stop missing them.
    No one tells you that no matter how much time you’re together and things you did you wish you did more.
    The thing that people do say is, it gets better with time…… That is a lie.
    The only thing that does get better with time is that I know with every day that goes by…
    Is That I’m One Day Closer
    To Seeing HIM again!!
    In Heaven ❤❤❤

    • Beverly  January 13, 2019 at 1:12 am Reply

      Laura, I cannot imagine your grief. I also would think the same things if my mother said some of those things, but outside the box I can see maybe her those were her attempts to cope to grieve the husband she once had. The older generation were not allowed or encouraged to express grief. So hopefully as youbcare forvher & allow yourself to grieve she will be able to do so. I pray for you to take time to find support & encouragement for yourself during this challenging time. God bless

  238. Laura  January 12, 2019 at 11:01 pm Reply

    No one tells you that your siblings continue to live their lives and that you become the only one to care for your physical disabled mother.
    I dropped everything to care for my daddy when he was diagnosed with cancer. I took him to Every appointment, Chemo, Radiation every Specialist, every doctor.
    I always made sure he had whatever he needed, from meds to oxygen and everything in between.
    Kept charts of appointments, meds, breathing treatments. I wouldn’t give up 1 second of the time I had with him.
    He was my Rock, my Hero.
    I don’t know how it became my job but I’m so proud it did. Because I now know that no one else could’ve done it better.
    My mom couldn’t handle any of it.
    She said some things that just made me SMH…
    Like when he came home from the hospital with oxygen… she said “I don’t like that, you with oxygen….
    OMG that’s like saying “I don’t like you breathing!!!”
    She went with us once to his Chemo appointment and she says.. “I don’t like seeing all those sick people!!”
    Holy S#¡t my Daddy is one of those “Sick People ”
    You would think that with 55 years of MARRIAGE she would me more understanding??

    My Daddy and I have always been close.
    It has killed me, I have my own health issues and am so severely depressed that I struggle everyday just to get up…..
    BUTTTT
    I’m now taking care of my mom because I guess that’s my job now.
    I have 3 siblings but feel like an only child, I have no life of my own… No one tells you that your siblings expect you to be the sole caregiver of your parents!
    I feel like I’ve not been able to grieve because I been thrown into “my” next “job!”
    I love my mom dearly, but we butt heads about a lot of things.
    I’m used to living alone with my son but now we live with her (she can’t live alone with her physical limitations) so that has been a HUGE adjustment.
    I miss my daddy every single MOMENT!
    No one tells you that no matter how many days pass…. you’ll Never stop missing them.
    No one tells you that no matter how much time you’re together and things you did you wish you did more.
    The thing that people do say is, it gets better with time…… That is a lie.
    The only thing that does get better with time is that I know with every day that goes by…
    Is That I’m One Day Closer
    To Seeing HIM again!!
    In Heaven ❤❤❤

    • Beverly  January 13, 2019 at 1:12 am Reply

      Laura, I cannot imagine your grief. I also would think the same things if my mother said some of those things, but outside the box I can see maybe her those were her attempts to cope to grieve the husband she once had. The older generation were not allowed or encouraged to express grief. So hopefully as youbcare forvher & allow yourself to grieve she will be able to do so. I pray for you to take time to find support & encouragement for yourself during this challenging time. God bless

  239. Laura  January 12, 2019 at 11:01 pm Reply

    No one tells you that your siblings continue to live their lives and that you become the only one to care for your physical disabled mother.
    I dropped everything to care for my daddy when he was diagnosed with cancer. I took him to Every appointment, Chemo, Radiation every Specialist, every doctor.
    I always made sure he had whatever he needed, from meds to oxygen and everything in between.
    Kept charts of appointments, meds, breathing treatments. I wouldn’t give up 1 second of the time I had with him.
    He was my Rock, my Hero.
    I don’t know how it became my job but I’m so proud it did. Because I now know that no one else could’ve done it better.
    My mom couldn’t handle any of it.
    She said some things that just made me SMH…
    Like when he came home from the hospital with oxygen… she said “I don’t like that, you with oxygen….
    OMG that’s like saying “I don’t like you breathing!!!”
    She went with us once to his Chemo appointment and she says.. “I don’t like seeing all those sick people!!”
    Holy S#¡t my Daddy is one of those “Sick People ”
    You would think that with 55 years of MARRIAGE she would me more understanding??

    My Daddy and I have always been close.
    It has killed me, I have my own health issues and am so severely depressed that I struggle everyday just to get up…..
    BUTTTT
    I’m now taking care of my mom because I guess that’s my job now.
    I have 3 siblings but feel like an only child, I have no life of my own… No one tells you that your siblings expect you to be the sole caregiver of your parents!
    I feel like I’ve not been able to grieve because I been thrown into “my” next “job!”
    I love my mom dearly, but we butt heads about a lot of things.
    I’m used to living alone with my son but now we live with her (she can’t live alone with her physical limitations) so that has been a HUGE adjustment.
    I miss my daddy every single MOMENT!
    No one tells you that no matter how many days pass…. you’ll Never stop missing them.
    No one tells you that no matter how much time you’re together and things you did you wish you did more.
    The thing that people do say is, it gets better with time…… That is a lie.
    The only thing that does get better with time is that I know with every day that goes by…
    Is That I’m One Day Closer
    To Seeing HIM again!!
    In Heaven ❤❤❤

    • Beverly  January 13, 2019 at 1:12 am Reply

      Laura, I cannot imagine your grief. I also would think the same things if my mother said some of those things, but outside the box I can see maybe her those were her attempts to cope to grieve the husband she once had. The older generation were not allowed or encouraged to express grief. So hopefully as youbcare forvher & allow yourself to grieve she will be able to do so. I pray for you to take time to find support & encouragement for yourself during this challenging time. God bless

    • Laura S  December 3, 2019 at 4:22 am Reply

      Laura – i read your comments and so feel you – I did not catch your name until I read Beverly’s reply to you …. It caught me off guard as my name is Laura (as well). My daddy just passed away June 3 – it is actually officially six months and I feel so much of what you expressed – a few differences, the most important thing we share is that our daddy was our hero – he will always be too, know that!!! As hard as some days are for me and as much as I want to be with him, I have a husband and two kids and my dog… i so want to smile and enjoy life its just so tough without him. He was my go to person and now hes gone. I get in the car and call him and hes not there …. i don’t understand how people say it gets easier …. i don’t ever see how…this post is amazing – I cant believe comments go through 2013 – i hope to follow from now on. To anyone who is here – may g-d be with you. May you try not feel so alone and find peace in the relationship that has been lost in the presence of today – not in your heart … be kind to yourselves!!!

  240. SLN  January 12, 2019 at 3:39 am Reply

    When someone you love gets sicks and goes through the dying process, whatever relationship you had with them before the illness will continue through to their death. People who have a hard time expressing emotions, won’t suddenly be able to communicate deep emotions. People who do not know how to be affectionate, will not suddenly become affectionate. And that’s okay.

    • Vicki  January 12, 2019 at 4:20 pm Reply

      I don’t agree that sending thank you cards is a bad thing. I lost my 19 year old daughter and I thought writing out thank you cards helped me. It was kind of like journaling (which helps a lot too). Not only that but when someone gives you a small or large amount of money, I think it’s a good idea to thank them.acceptable

  241. SLN  January 12, 2019 at 3:39 am Reply

    When someone you love gets sicks and goes through the dying process, whatever relationship you had with them before the illness will continue through to their death. People who have a hard time expressing emotions, won’t suddenly be able to communicate deep emotions. People who do not know how to be affectionate, will not suddenly become affectionate. And that’s okay.

    • Vicki  January 12, 2019 at 4:20 pm Reply

      I don’t agree that sending thank you cards is a bad thing. I lost my 19 year old daughter and I thought writing out thank you cards helped me. It was kind of like journaling (which helps a lot too). Not only that but when someone gives you a small or large amount of money, I think it’s a good idea to thank them.acceptable

  242. SLN  January 12, 2019 at 3:39 am Reply

    When someone you love gets sicks and goes through the dying process, whatever relationship you had with them before the illness will continue through to their death. People who have a hard time expressing emotions, won’t suddenly be able to communicate deep emotions. People who do not know how to be affectionate, will not suddenly become affectionate. And that’s okay.

    • Vicki  January 12, 2019 at 4:20 pm Reply

      I don’t agree that sending thank you cards is a bad thing. I lost my 19 year old daughter and I thought writing out thank you cards helped me. It was kind of like journaling (which helps a lot too). Not only that but when someone gives you a small or large amount of money, I think it’s a good idea to thank them.acceptable

  243. Lonely  January 11, 2019 at 6:58 pm Reply

    You will grief ALONE

  244. Lonely  January 11, 2019 at 6:58 pm Reply

    You will grief ALONE

  245. Lonely  January 11, 2019 at 6:58 pm Reply

    You will grief ALONE

  246. Terri Thomas  January 4, 2019 at 11:29 am Reply

    Green & Super-green remeidies for grief:

    • Terri Thomas  January 4, 2019 at 11:37 am Reply

      Green and super-green remedies for grief:

    • Terri Thomas  January 4, 2019 at 11:42 am Reply

      Green & Super-Green Remedies for Grief
      August 5, 2018

      |

      Terri Thomas

      God’s natural & supernatural gifts to the bereaved.

      God has provided so many gifts for us to help us as we navigate this journey through grief. Some of them occur naturally (green) and some of them are given to us supernaturally (super-green). I do believe that the super-green gifts are the most important. They enable the green gifts to work more effectively. The green gifts alone might not be sufficient to provide the healing and peace that we need.

      Some of GOD’S GREEN GIFTS

      1. THE SUPPORT OF FAMILY AND FRIENDS

      I am so grateful for the love and support that we received! In our darkest hour, these people were truly the hands and feet of Christ that carried us when we couldn’t carry ourselves. To me this was by far the most important of the “Green Gifts,” especially in the immediate aftermath of Brett’s death. The prayers, meals, phone calls, texts, flowers, gifts, cards and letters, tears shed with us, time spent with us, etc. touched our hearts so deeply and left and indelible mark.

      2. PETS

      Every time we look at our pet with love our body reacts positively by producing chemicals that lift our spirits. When you do this many times throughout the day, it is a great natural help for our sadness.

      “We animal lovers have long known that, no matter what life may bring — sickness, sadness, or radiant health — pets make us feel better. Numerous studies have documented astonishingly wide-ranging effects. Cat owners enjoy a 30 percent reduction in heart attack risk. Watching swimming fish lowers blood pressure. Stroking a dog boosts the immune system. Now researchers can explain the source of our companion animals’ healing powers: Our pets profoundly change the biochemistry of our brains.”

      Read more here

      “Your dog offers unconditional love, companionship, and lots of fun. You have no doubt felt the joy of being greeted with a wagging tail, doggy kisses, and a loving nuzzle. The pleasure experienced with such a welcome definitely lifts your spirits. It also changes your body chemistry and greatly benefits your emotional and physical health by increasing your feel good hormones, serotonin and oxycotin.”

      Read more here

      Here is my little serotonin lifter – Teddy Thomas. He has been such a blessing to me. Every time I look at him I can feel my heart lift. I thank God for him every day!

      3. EXERCISE

      When you exercise, your body releases chemicals called endorphins. These endorphins interact with the receptors in your brain that reduce your perception of pain. Endorphins also trigger a positive feeling in the body, similar to that of morphine. Read more here

      4. CRY IT OUT (literally) – TEARS

      Emotional tears have special health benefits. Biochemist and “tear expert” Dr. William Frey at the Ramsey Medical Center in Minneapolis discovered that reflex tears are 98% water, whereas emotional tears also contain stress hormones which get excreted from the body through crying. After studying the composition of tears, Dr. Frey found that emotional tears shed these hormones and other toxins which accumulate during stress. Additional studies also suggest that crying stimulates the production of endorphins, our body’s natural pain killer and “feel-good” hormones.”

      Read more here

      5. LIVE IN THE PRESENT MOMENT

      My family and I have had to learn to live one day at a time, especially for the first two years, because that is all we could do. Thinking of never seeing Brett again in this life was more than we could bear. Each morning I would wake up and think, “I can get through today without Brett.” Thinking of the future without him, even only as far into it as the next day, was too hard. We learned that God’s grace and provision are always with us in the present moment. We don’t have the grace and strength for the future yet but we will when it gets here in real time. Now that it is almost three years later, I am able to think about the future without my son physically present in it without it causing me anxiety. Two years ago I could not do that. God has given me the grace to live in the present moment with joy & sorrow peacefully coexisting in my heart and, at the same time, with much hope for the future even though Brett will not be a part of it physically. I know that it is His desire is to do the same for everyone. Living in anticipatory anxiety about the difficulty entailed in carrying a particular cross is a recipe for depression and poor health – physically and psychologically.

      The image below lists some other green remedies for grief from St. Thomas Aquinas:

      What has helped you in your grief?

      Some of GOD’S SUPER-GREEN (SUPERNATURAL) GIFTS TO THE BEREAVED

      These super-green gifts require supernatural Faith in order for them to release their healing effects in our soul. This kind of Faith is a gift given to us by God in Baptism but it is given to us in seed form. The other sacraments, especially the Eucharist, a life of prayer, reading scripture, obedience to God’s will, serving others, etc. all nurture the growth of Faith in our souls but there are many other gifts that nurture its growth as well.

      Our faith can be likened to a channel or a pipeline of God’s healing grace. It opens our souls to receive the fullness of God’s presence in our suffering and it elevates our suffering to a supernatural level; it allows God to bring a greater good out of it. This is what our loved ones who we are grieving over desire for us. They are cheering us on!

      (If your Faith is weak, ask God to increase your Faith. If you are a baptized Catholic but haven’t been to Mass for a while, seek reconciliation with God by going to the sacrament of Reconciliation. If you are not baptized, enter R.C.I.A at your local Catholic Church and receive the gift of Faith through Baptism. This will open the door to so much grace and healing in your life!)

      Some of the super-green gifts from Christ that I have found to be immensely helpful in the healing process are the Eucharist, Redemptive Suffering and the understanding of Purgatory. I have experienced miracles of healing in my broken heart through Christ’s presence through these channels of his grace that our beautiful Catholic Faith offers us.

      1. THE EUCHARIST

      The strength of receiving the Risen Christ in Holy Communion is so amazing. Carrying our crosses is hard. We need him. In the Eucharist His strength begins where our natural ability ends and little by little he pours it into our hearts, minds and souls. You cannot always detect it sensibly but, like an antibiotic or a vitamin, you know from hindsight the effects. Not only that, our loved ones are at Mass with us every time we attend. We are worshiping God with them there. Our Mass on earth is a participation in the Heavenly liturgy. WOW! Have you heard of the phrase “I’ll see you in the Eucharist?”

      2. REDEMPTIVE SUFFERING

      To me the waves of grief can wash over me like a tidal wave and it can literally feel like I am drowning and the water feels like the Dead Sea if I don’t know what to do with it. When I offer each wave of grief to the Lord as my sacrifice it changes it into Living Water because he takes each one I give him, unites it with his perfect sacrifice and uses it as a channel of grace for others. This increases the flow of grace into the world. He allows us to see some of what he uses it for here and now but most of what he does with our offering will be seen in heaven.

      It can be helpful to make a prayer list and as each wave comes, take out your list and pray “I offer this suffering for….” This is what we are doing at Mass – If you think about the words of the “morning offering” that we might have learned as children. We are at Mass to offer ourselves with Jesus to the Father for the salvation of the world and because we are members of His Body on earth (Cf. 1 Cor 12:12-31; Col 1:18; 2:18-20; Eph. 1:22-23; 3:19; 4:13) and he lives in us (Galatians 2:20), our offering has merit – eternal value. What a high calling we have! If all bereaved people knew this, what a difference it could make in finding meaning and a mission in their suffering!

      To learn more about how to make your whole day an offering for your loved one who has died go here

      3. PURGATORY

      The church teaches that unless a person has an “ST.” (as in Saint) in front of their name we cannot assume that they are already enjoying the Beatific Vision in heaven and because of that, we should continue to offer prayers and sacrifices (suffrages) for them to aid them in their journey to full union with God. There is a very real exchange of spiritual goods – they cannot help themselves but they can intercede for us and they will if we ask them. We pray and offer our good works for them and they intercede for us so the relationship continues even now but in a new way. We have experienced many blessings through my son’s intercession and I know I am helping him too. This is so good for a grieving heart! It gives us something concrete and effective to “do” with our grief. It is also a great incentive to grow in holiness because as we grow in holiness our prayers and works become more fruitful for our loved ones.

      Pope Francis speaks of this in his POST-SYNODAL APOSTOLIC EXHORTATION AMORIS LÆTITIA OF THE HOLY FATHER FRANCIS #’s 253-258.

      Here is part of that:

      “257. One way of maintaining fellowship with our loved ones is to pray for them. The Bible tells us that “to pray for the dead” is “holy and pious” (2 Macc 12:44-45). “Our prayer for them is capable not only of helping them, but also of making their intercession for us effective”. The Book of Revelation portrays the martyrs interceding for those who suffer injustice on earth (cf. Rev 6:9-11), in solidarity with this world and its history. Some saints, before dying, consoled their loved ones by promising them that they would be near to help them. Saint Therese of Lisieux wished to continue doing good from heaven. Saint Dominic stated that “he would be more helpful after death… more powerful in obtaining graces”. These are truly “bonds of love”, because “the union of the wayfarers with the brethren who sleep in the Lord is in no way interrupted… [but] reinforced by an exchange of spiritual goods”.

      If we accept death, we can prepare ourselves for it. The way is to grow in our love for those who walk at our side, until that day when “death will be no more, mourning and crying and pain will be no more” (Rev 21:4). We will thus prepare ourselves to meet once more our loved ones who have died. Just as Jesus “gave back to his mother” (cf. Lk 7:15) her son who had died, so it will be with us. Let us not waste energy by dwelling on the distant past. The better we live on this earth, the greater the happiness we will be able to share with our loved ones in heaven. The more we are able to mature and develop in this world, the more gifts will we be able to bring to the heavenly banquet.”

      St. Thomas Aquinas teaches that even if our loved ones are already in heaven and we continue to pray and offer sacrifices for them, especially the Mass, their “accidental glory” (their intimacy with God and their intercessory power) increases because love (charity) is always creative and even in heaven we will be growing for all eternity.

  247. Terri Thomas  January 4, 2019 at 11:29 am Reply

    Green & Super-green remeidies for grief:

    • Terri Thomas  January 4, 2019 at 11:37 am Reply

      Green and super-green remedies for grief:

    • Terri Thomas  January 4, 2019 at 11:42 am Reply

      Green & Super-Green Remedies for Grief
      August 5, 2018

      |

      Terri Thomas

      God’s natural & supernatural gifts to the bereaved.

      God has provided so many gifts for us to help us as we navigate this journey through grief. Some of them occur naturally (green) and some of them are given to us supernaturally (super-green). I do believe that the super-green gifts are the most important. They enable the green gifts to work more effectively. The green gifts alone might not be sufficient to provide the healing and peace that we need.

      Some of GOD’S GREEN GIFTS

      1. THE SUPPORT OF FAMILY AND FRIENDS

      I am so grateful for the love and support that we received! In our darkest hour, these people were truly the hands and feet of Christ that carried us when we couldn’t carry ourselves. To me this was by far the most important of the “Green Gifts,” especially in the immediate aftermath of Brett’s death. The prayers, meals, phone calls, texts, flowers, gifts, cards and letters, tears shed with us, time spent with us, etc. touched our hearts so deeply and left and indelible mark.

      2. PETS

      Every time we look at our pet with love our body reacts positively by producing chemicals that lift our spirits. When you do this many times throughout the day, it is a great natural help for our sadness.

      “We animal lovers have long known that, no matter what life may bring — sickness, sadness, or radiant health — pets make us feel better. Numerous studies have documented astonishingly wide-ranging effects. Cat owners enjoy a 30 percent reduction in heart attack risk. Watching swimming fish lowers blood pressure. Stroking a dog boosts the immune system. Now researchers can explain the source of our companion animals’ healing powers: Our pets profoundly change the biochemistry of our brains.”

      Read more here

      “Your dog offers unconditional love, companionship, and lots of fun. You have no doubt felt the joy of being greeted with a wagging tail, doggy kisses, and a loving nuzzle. The pleasure experienced with such a welcome definitely lifts your spirits. It also changes your body chemistry and greatly benefits your emotional and physical health by increasing your feel good hormones, serotonin and oxycotin.”

      Read more here

      Here is my little serotonin lifter – Teddy Thomas. He has been such a blessing to me. Every time I look at him I can feel my heart lift. I thank God for him every day!

      3. EXERCISE

      When you exercise, your body releases chemicals called endorphins. These endorphins interact with the receptors in your brain that reduce your perception of pain. Endorphins also trigger a positive feeling in the body, similar to that of morphine. Read more here

      4. CRY IT OUT (literally) – TEARS

      Emotional tears have special health benefits. Biochemist and “tear expert” Dr. William Frey at the Ramsey Medical Center in Minneapolis discovered that reflex tears are 98% water, whereas emotional tears also contain stress hormones which get excreted from the body through crying. After studying the composition of tears, Dr. Frey found that emotional tears shed these hormones and other toxins which accumulate during stress. Additional studies also suggest that crying stimulates the production of endorphins, our body’s natural pain killer and “feel-good” hormones.”

      Read more here

      5. LIVE IN THE PRESENT MOMENT

      My family and I have had to learn to live one day at a time, especially for the first two years, because that is all we could do. Thinking of never seeing Brett again in this life was more than we could bear. Each morning I would wake up and think, “I can get through today without Brett.” Thinking of the future without him, even only as far into it as the next day, was too hard. We learned that God’s grace and provision are always with us in the present moment. We don’t have the grace and strength for the future yet but we will when it gets here in real time. Now that it is almost three years later, I am able to think about the future without my son physically present in it without it causing me anxiety. Two years ago I could not do that. God has given me the grace to live in the present moment with joy & sorrow peacefully coexisting in my heart and, at the same time, with much hope for the future even though Brett will not be a part of it physically. I know that it is His desire is to do the same for everyone. Living in anticipatory anxiety about the difficulty entailed in carrying a particular cross is a recipe for depression and poor health – physically and psychologically.

      The image below lists some other green remedies for grief from St. Thomas Aquinas:

      What has helped you in your grief?

      Some of GOD’S SUPER-GREEN (SUPERNATURAL) GIFTS TO THE BEREAVED

      These super-green gifts require supernatural Faith in order for them to release their healing effects in our soul. This kind of Faith is a gift given to us by God in Baptism but it is given to us in seed form. The other sacraments, especially the Eucharist, a life of prayer, reading scripture, obedience to God’s will, serving others, etc. all nurture the growth of Faith in our souls but there are many other gifts that nurture its growth as well.

      Our faith can be likened to a channel or a pipeline of God’s healing grace. It opens our souls to receive the fullness of God’s presence in our suffering and it elevates our suffering to a supernatural level; it allows God to bring a greater good out of it. This is what our loved ones who we are grieving over desire for us. They are cheering us on!

      (If your Faith is weak, ask God to increase your Faith. If you are a baptized Catholic but haven’t been to Mass for a while, seek reconciliation with God by going to the sacrament of Reconciliation. If you are not baptized, enter R.C.I.A at your local Catholic Church and receive the gift of Faith through Baptism. This will open the door to so much grace and healing in your life!)

      Some of the super-green gifts from Christ that I have found to be immensely helpful in the healing process are the Eucharist, Redemptive Suffering and the understanding of Purgatory. I have experienced miracles of healing in my broken heart through Christ’s presence through these channels of his grace that our beautiful Catholic Faith offers us.

      1. THE EUCHARIST

      The strength of receiving the Risen Christ in Holy Communion is so amazing. Carrying our crosses is hard. We need him. In the Eucharist His strength begins where our natural ability ends and little by little he pours it into our hearts, minds and souls. You cannot always detect it sensibly but, like an antibiotic or a vitamin, you know from hindsight the effects. Not only that, our loved ones are at Mass with us every time we attend. We are worshiping God with them there. Our Mass on earth is a participation in the Heavenly liturgy. WOW! Have you heard of the phrase “I’ll see you in the Eucharist?”

      2. REDEMPTIVE SUFFERING

      To me the waves of grief can wash over me like a tidal wave and it can literally feel like I am drowning and the water feels like the Dead Sea if I don’t know what to do with it. When I offer each wave of grief to the Lord as my sacrifice it changes it into Living Water because he takes each one I give him, unites it with his perfect sacrifice and uses it as a channel of grace for others. This increases the flow of grace into the world. He allows us to see some of what he uses it for here and now but most of what he does with our offering will be seen in heaven.

      It can be helpful to make a prayer list and as each wave comes, take out your list and pray “I offer this suffering for….” This is what we are doing at Mass – If you think about the words of the “morning offering” that we might have learned as children. We are at Mass to offer ourselves with Jesus to the Father for the salvation of the world and because we are members of His Body on earth (Cf. 1 Cor 12:12-31; Col 1:18; 2:18-20; Eph. 1:22-23; 3:19; 4:13) and he lives in us (Galatians 2:20), our offering has merit – eternal value. What a high calling we have! If all bereaved people knew this, what a difference it could make in finding meaning and a mission in their suffering!

      To learn more about how to make your whole day an offering for your loved one who has died go here

      3. PURGATORY

      The church teaches that unless a person has an “ST.” (as in Saint) in front of their name we cannot assume that they are already enjoying the Beatific Vision in heaven and because of that, we should continue to offer prayers and sacrifices (suffrages) for them to aid them in their journey to full union with God. There is a very real exchange of spiritual goods – they cannot help themselves but they can intercede for us and they will if we ask them. We pray and offer our good works for them and they intercede for us so the relationship continues even now but in a new way. We have experienced many blessings through my son’s intercession and I know I am helping him too. This is so good for a grieving heart! It gives us something concrete and effective to “do” with our grief. It is also a great incentive to grow in holiness because as we grow in holiness our prayers and works become more fruitful for our loved ones.

      Pope Francis speaks of this in his POST-SYNODAL APOSTOLIC EXHORTATION AMORIS LÆTITIA OF THE HOLY FATHER FRANCIS #’s 253-258.

      Here is part of that:

      “257. One way of maintaining fellowship with our loved ones is to pray for them. The Bible tells us that “to pray for the dead” is “holy and pious” (2 Macc 12:44-45). “Our prayer for them is capable not only of helping them, but also of making their intercession for us effective”. The Book of Revelation portrays the martyrs interceding for those who suffer injustice on earth (cf. Rev 6:9-11), in solidarity with this world and its history. Some saints, before dying, consoled their loved ones by promising them that they would be near to help them. Saint Therese of Lisieux wished to continue doing good from heaven. Saint Dominic stated that “he would be more helpful after death… more powerful in obtaining graces”. These are truly “bonds of love”, because “the union of the wayfarers with the brethren who sleep in the Lord is in no way interrupted… [but] reinforced by an exchange of spiritual goods”.

      If we accept death, we can prepare ourselves for it. The way is to grow in our love for those who walk at our side, until that day when “death will be no more, mourning and crying and pain will be no more” (Rev 21:4). We will thus prepare ourselves to meet once more our loved ones who have died. Just as Jesus “gave back to his mother” (cf. Lk 7:15) her son who had died, so it will be with us. Let us not waste energy by dwelling on the distant past. The better we live on this earth, the greater the happiness we will be able to share with our loved ones in heaven. The more we are able to mature and develop in this world, the more gifts will we be able to bring to the heavenly banquet.”

      St. Thomas Aquinas teaches that even if our loved ones are already in heaven and we continue to pray and offer sacrifices for them, especially the Mass, their “accidental glory” (their intimacy with God and their intercessory power) increases because love (charity) is always creative and even in heaven we will be growing for all eternity.

  248. Terri Thomas  January 4, 2019 at 11:29 am Reply

    Green & Super-green remeidies for grief:

    • Terri Thomas  January 4, 2019 at 11:37 am Reply

      Green and super-green remedies for grief:

    • Terri Thomas  January 4, 2019 at 11:42 am Reply

      Green & Super-Green Remedies for Grief
      August 5, 2018

      |

      Terri Thomas

      God’s natural & supernatural gifts to the bereaved.

      God has provided so many gifts for us to help us as we navigate this journey through grief. Some of them occur naturally (green) and some of them are given to us supernaturally (super-green). I do believe that the super-green gifts are the most important. They enable the green gifts to work more effectively. The green gifts alone might not be sufficient to provide the healing and peace that we need.

      Some of GOD’S GREEN GIFTS

      1. THE SUPPORT OF FAMILY AND FRIENDS

      I am so grateful for the love and support that we received! In our darkest hour, these people were truly the hands and feet of Christ that carried us when we couldn’t carry ourselves. To me this was by far the most important of the “Green Gifts,” especially in the immediate aftermath of Brett’s death. The prayers, meals, phone calls, texts, flowers, gifts, cards and letters, tears shed with us, time spent with us, etc. touched our hearts so deeply and left and indelible mark.

      2. PETS

      Every time we look at our pet with love our body reacts positively by producing chemicals that lift our spirits. When you do this many times throughout the day, it is a great natural help for our sadness.

      “We animal lovers have long known that, no matter what life may bring — sickness, sadness, or radiant health — pets make us feel better. Numerous studies have documented astonishingly wide-ranging effects. Cat owners enjoy a 30 percent reduction in heart attack risk. Watching swimming fish lowers blood pressure. Stroking a dog boosts the immune system. Now researchers can explain the source of our companion animals’ healing powers: Our pets profoundly change the biochemistry of our brains.”

      Read more here

      “Your dog offers unconditional love, companionship, and lots of fun. You have no doubt felt the joy of being greeted with a wagging tail, doggy kisses, and a loving nuzzle. The pleasure experienced with such a welcome definitely lifts your spirits. It also changes your body chemistry and greatly benefits your emotional and physical health by increasing your feel good hormones, serotonin and oxycotin.”

      Read more here

      Here is my little serotonin lifter – Teddy Thomas. He has been such a blessing to me. Every time I look at him I can feel my heart lift. I thank God for him every day!

      3. EXERCISE

      When you exercise, your body releases chemicals called endorphins. These endorphins interact with the receptors in your brain that reduce your perception of pain. Endorphins also trigger a positive feeling in the body, similar to that of morphine. Read more here

      4. CRY IT OUT (literally) – TEARS

      Emotional tears have special health benefits. Biochemist and “tear expert” Dr. William Frey at the Ramsey Medical Center in Minneapolis discovered that reflex tears are 98% water, whereas emotional tears also contain stress hormones which get excreted from the body through crying. After studying the composition of tears, Dr. Frey found that emotional tears shed these hormones and other toxins which accumulate during stress. Additional studies also suggest that crying stimulates the production of endorphins, our body’s natural pain killer and “feel-good” hormones.”

      Read more here

      5. LIVE IN THE PRESENT MOMENT

      My family and I have had to learn to live one day at a time, especially for the first two years, because that is all we could do. Thinking of never seeing Brett again in this life was more than we could bear. Each morning I would wake up and think, “I can get through today without Brett.” Thinking of the future without him, even only as far into it as the next day, was too hard. We learned that God’s grace and provision are always with us in the present moment. We don’t have the grace and strength for the future yet but we will when it gets here in real time. Now that it is almost three years later, I am able to think about the future without my son physically present in it without it causing me anxiety. Two years ago I could not do that. God has given me the grace to live in the present moment with joy & sorrow peacefully coexisting in my heart and, at the same time, with much hope for the future even though Brett will not be a part of it physically. I know that it is His desire is to do the same for everyone. Living in anticipatory anxiety about the difficulty entailed in carrying a particular cross is a recipe for depression and poor health – physically and psychologically.

      The image below lists some other green remedies for grief from St. Thomas Aquinas:

      What has helped you in your grief?

      Some of GOD’S SUPER-GREEN (SUPERNATURAL) GIFTS TO THE BEREAVED

      These super-green gifts require supernatural Faith in order for them to release their healing effects in our soul. This kind of Faith is a gift given to us by God in Baptism but it is given to us in seed form. The other sacraments, especially the Eucharist, a life of prayer, reading scripture, obedience to God’s will, serving others, etc. all nurture the growth of Faith in our souls but there are many other gifts that nurture its growth as well.

      Our faith can be likened to a channel or a pipeline of God’s healing grace. It opens our souls to receive the fullness of God’s presence in our suffering and it elevates our suffering to a supernatural level; it allows God to bring a greater good out of it. This is what our loved ones who we are grieving over desire for us. They are cheering us on!

      (If your Faith is weak, ask God to increase your Faith. If you are a baptized Catholic but haven’t been to Mass for a while, seek reconciliation with God by going to the sacrament of Reconciliation. If you are not baptized, enter R.C.I.A at your local Catholic Church and receive the gift of Faith through Baptism. This will open the door to so much grace and healing in your life!)

      Some of the super-green gifts from Christ that I have found to be immensely helpful in the healing process are the Eucharist, Redemptive Suffering and the understanding of Purgatory. I have experienced miracles of healing in my broken heart through Christ’s presence through these channels of his grace that our beautiful Catholic Faith offers us.

      1. THE EUCHARIST

      The strength of receiving the Risen Christ in Holy Communion is so amazing. Carrying our crosses is hard. We need him. In the Eucharist His strength begins where our natural ability ends and little by little he pours it into our hearts, minds and souls. You cannot always detect it sensibly but, like an antibiotic or a vitamin, you know from hindsight the effects. Not only that, our loved ones are at Mass with us every time we attend. We are worshiping God with them there. Our Mass on earth is a participation in the Heavenly liturgy. WOW! Have you heard of the phrase “I’ll see you in the Eucharist?”

      2. REDEMPTIVE SUFFERING

      To me the waves of grief can wash over me like a tidal wave and it can literally feel like I am drowning and the water feels like the Dead Sea if I don’t know what to do with it. When I offer each wave of grief to the Lord as my sacrifice it changes it into Living Water because he takes each one I give him, unites it with his perfect sacrifice and uses it as a channel of grace for others. This increases the flow of grace into the world. He allows us to see some of what he uses it for here and now but most of what he does with our offering will be seen in heaven.

      It can be helpful to make a prayer list and as each wave comes, take out your list and pray “I offer this suffering for….” This is what we are doing at Mass – If you think about the words of the “morning offering” that we might have learned as children. We are at Mass to offer ourselves with Jesus to the Father for the salvation of the world and because we are members of His Body on earth (Cf. 1 Cor 12:12-31; Col 1:18; 2:18-20; Eph. 1:22-23; 3:19; 4:13) and he lives in us (Galatians 2:20), our offering has merit – eternal value. What a high calling we have! If all bereaved people knew this, what a difference it could make in finding meaning and a mission in their suffering!

      To learn more about how to make your whole day an offering for your loved one who has died go here

      3. PURGATORY

      The church teaches that unless a person has an “ST.” (as in Saint) in front of their name we cannot assume that they are already enjoying the Beatific Vision in heaven and because of that, we should continue to offer prayers and sacrifices (suffrages) for them to aid them in their journey to full union with God. There is a very real exchange of spiritual goods – they cannot help themselves but they can intercede for us and they will if we ask them. We pray and offer our good works for them and they intercede for us so the relationship continues even now but in a new way. We have experienced many blessings through my son’s intercession and I know I am helping him too. This is so good for a grieving heart! It gives us something concrete and effective to “do” with our grief. It is also a great incentive to grow in holiness because as we grow in holiness our prayers and works become more fruitful for our loved ones.

      Pope Francis speaks of this in his POST-SYNODAL APOSTOLIC EXHORTATION AMORIS LÆTITIA OF THE HOLY FATHER FRANCIS #’s 253-258.

      Here is part of that:

      “257. One way of maintaining fellowship with our loved ones is to pray for them. The Bible tells us that “to pray for the dead” is “holy and pious” (2 Macc 12:44-45). “Our prayer for them is capable not only of helping them, but also of making their intercession for us effective”. The Book of Revelation portrays the martyrs interceding for those who suffer injustice on earth (cf. Rev 6:9-11), in solidarity with this world and its history. Some saints, before dying, consoled their loved ones by promising them that they would be near to help them. Saint Therese of Lisieux wished to continue doing good from heaven. Saint Dominic stated that “he would be more helpful after death… more powerful in obtaining graces”. These are truly “bonds of love”, because “the union of the wayfarers with the brethren who sleep in the Lord is in no way interrupted… [but] reinforced by an exchange of spiritual goods”.

      If we accept death, we can prepare ourselves for it. The way is to grow in our love for those who walk at our side, until that day when “death will be no more, mourning and crying and pain will be no more” (Rev 21:4). We will thus prepare ourselves to meet once more our loved ones who have died. Just as Jesus “gave back to his mother” (cf. Lk 7:15) her son who had died, so it will be with us. Let us not waste energy by dwelling on the distant past. The better we live on this earth, the greater the happiness we will be able to share with our loved ones in heaven. The more we are able to mature and develop in this world, the more gifts will we be able to bring to the heavenly banquet.”

      St. Thomas Aquinas teaches that even if our loved ones are already in heaven and we continue to pray and offer sacrifices for them, especially the Mass, their “accidental glory” (their intimacy with God and their intercessory power) increases because love (charity) is always creative and even in heaven we will be growing for all eternity.

      • Luise  January 13, 2019 at 6:01 am

        Please do not bring God into this. For many, there is no God, and I think this is a cruel and inconsiderate response

      • Elysse  February 11, 2019 at 12:07 am

        Terri, thank you for your comments. I especially found the part regarding the Eucharist to be profoundly meaningful and comforting. Truly, thank you.

      • Lisa  February 28, 2019 at 4:03 am

        Thank you Terri

  249. Dazzler  January 1, 2019 at 6:45 pm Reply

    Thanks for the list, it’s very helpful, along with all the comments.

    Death is one of the only certainties in life but it still comes as a complete shock and feels unbearable.