64 Things I Wish Someone Had Told Me About Grief
/ Understanding Grief : Litsa Williams
For further articles on these topics:
We think about grief a lot around here... We write about types of grief, grief theory, personal reflections, creative expression for coping with grief, practical ideas for managing grief, and on and on and on. But there are some days that all that seems like a lot to take in. So, we think back to the basics. Not the theory stuff, not the ideas about how to cope... just the really basic things that people never tell you about grief.
So, with your help, that is what we have today: a quick and dirty list of the things we wish we had known about grief before we knew anything about grief. If it's in quotes, it's something one of our fabulous readers shared with us on Twitter or Facebook. If you finish this post and you're annoyed about all the things we forgot, leave a comment to keep the list going!
I wish someone had told me...
1. No matter how prepared you think you are for a death, you can never be fully prepared for the loss and the grief.
2. You can plan for death, but death does not always comply with our wishes or plans.
3. “Stop avoiding and be present.”
4. “Dying is not like you see on TV or in the movies. It is not peaceful or prepared. You may not have a spiritual or meaningful moment. It’s too real.”
5. A hospital death is not always a bad death.
6. A home death/hospice death is not always a good death.
7. “There will be pressure from others to move on, even minutes or hours after a death, and this can lead to regrets”.
8. “Death is not an emergency. There is always time to step back and take a moment to say goodbye.”
9. Death and grief make people uncomfortable, so be prepared for awkward encounters.
10. You will plan the funeral while in a haze. If you aren’t happy with the funeral you had, have another memorial service later.
11. When people offer support, take them up on it.
12. People will bring you food because they don’t know what else to do. Don’t feel bad throwing it away.
13. People will say stupid, hurtful things without even realizing it.
14. People will tell you things that aren’t true about your grief.
15. Death brings out the best and the worst in families, so be prepared.
16. There is no such thing as closure.
17. There is no timeline for grieving. You can't rush it. You will grieve, in some form, forever.
18. “There will always be regrets. No matter how much time you had, you’ll always want more”.
19. Guilt is a normal part of grief.
20. Anger is normal part of grief.
21. “The pain of a loss is a reflection of love, but you never regret loving as hard as you can.”
22. Grief can make you question your faith.
23. "Grief doesn’t come in five neat stages. It's messy and confusing."
24. Grief makes you feel like you are going crazy.
25. Grief can make you question your life, your purpose, and your goals. And that isn't always a bad thing.
26. We all grieve differently, which can create strain and confusion between family members and friends.
27. “However badly you think it is going to hurt, it's going to be a million times worse”.
28. You may find comfort in very unexpected places.
29. “You should go somewhere to debrief after caregiving”.
30. “The last 24 hours of their lives will replay in your mind”.
31. Trying to protect children from death and the emotions of grief isn’t helpful.
32. “It’s sometimes necessary to seek out new ways to grieve on your own, find new guidance if the people who are supposed to be supportive simply haven’t learned how.”
33. “You grieve your past, present, and future with that person”.
34. Big life events and milestones will forever be bittersweet.
35. Grief triggers are everywhere. You will see things that remind you of your loved one all over the place, and it may lead to sudden outbursts of emotion.
36. “You lose yourself, your identity, meaning, purpose, values, your trust”.
37. Holidays, anniversaries, and birthdays will be hard forever.
38. People will tell you what you should and shouldn’t feel, and how you should and shouldn't grieve. Ignore them.
39. “The grief process is about not only mourning the loss, but getting to know yourself as a different person."
40. There is no normal when it comes to grieving.
41. Sometimes it gets worse before it gets better.
42. “It's normal to feel numb after it happens. The tears will come. They come in waves."
43. Grief can make you feel selfish and entitled, and that’s okay (at least for a while).
44. Meeting new people, who never knew the person who died, can be hard and sad. But eventually it can be nice to "introduce" them through stories and photographs.
45. The practice of sending thank you notes after a funeral is a cruel and unusual tradition.
46.“People love to judge how you are doing. Watch out for those people.”
47. You can’t compare grief or compare losses, though people will try.
48. Any loss you grieve is a valid loss, though people will sometimes make you feel otherwise.
49. “Just because you feel pretty good one day it doesn’t mean you are cured of your grief.”
50. There are many days when you will feel totally and completely alone, whether you are or not.
51. Grief can make you do stupid, crazy things. They may be what you need at the time time, but you may regret them later. Cut yourself some slack.
52. Grief can make you a stronger person than you were before.
53. Seeking grief counseling doesn’t mean you’re crazy or weak.
54. It's okay to cry sometimes.
55. It's okay NOT to cry sometimes.
56. “Time does NOT heal all wounds.”
57. “Grief re-writes your address book.” Sometimes the people you thought would be there for you aren't, and the people you last expected become your biggest supporters.
58. “You don’t get over it, you just get used to it."
59. It is okay to tell people when they are not being helpful.
60. Watch your drinking. Alcohol can quickly become an unhealthy friend.
61. You will have to face your emotions eventually. You can avoid them for a while, but they will catch up with you in the end.
62. Talking isn’t the only way to express and process emotions.
63. You will never go back to being your "old self." Grief changes you and you are never the same.
64. Nothing you do in the future will change your love for the person who died. Eventually, you will begin to enjoy life again, date again, have another child, seek new experiences, or whatever. None of these things will diminish your love for the person you lost.
What do you wish someone had told you about grief that we left off the list? Leave a comment to keep the list going and, as always, subscribe.
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After writing online articles for What’s Your Grief
for over a decade, we finally wrote a tangible,
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What’s Your Grief? Lists to Help you Through Any Loss is for people experiencing any type of loss. This book discusses some of the most common grief experiences and breaks down psychological concepts to help you understand your thoughts and emotions. It also shares useful coping tools, and helps the reader reflect on their unique relationship with grief and loss.
You can find What’s Your Grief? Lists to Help you Through Any Loss wherever you buy books:
Maddie August 15, 2023 at 3:20 am
I didn’t find it helpful when family/friends acted as if I had done something wrong when I told my Dad the truth when he asked me if he was dying in the hospital. Yes, it took me a moment to answer because I was weighing my options. I chose to say yes. I came to the conclusion that he deserved to have the opportunity to make peace with his maker. And I couldn’t bear to lie to the man who had been such a wonderful father to me and my siblings. You never know how something should be dealt with until you find yourself in a situation.
Aleemae July 22, 2023 at 11:37 am
Intense grief turns to feelings of helplessness, which can trigger memories of childhood abuse and/or other unpleasant situations, and that can turn into anger…
Get counseling. Nobody should have to deal with these emotions by him or her self…
I wish someone had told me about aging and grief. We lost my daughters best friend of 25 years last year. I’ve been so angry for mostbof the last year. This is new. In the past, I only remember sadness over death. I’m 61, and I’m angry, and I feel life cheated me, which makes me even angrier..
There should be a whole selection of unbreakable products for people going through grief..unbreakable cell phones, tablets, laptops, furniture, ceiling fans, speakers,bathroom and kitchen drawers, dishes, glasses, etc, etc,…
Laurie May 25, 2023 at 9:20 pm
It’s ten years after this was published, and I’m just now finding it.
I would like to add to the list that your loved one will NOT look like they simply fell asleep, like they do in movies. I was unpleasantly surprised to find that my dad’s skin turned waxy yellow within minutes of taking his last breath. I was actually angry at the movie industry for lying about what to expect. How dare they deceive everyone like that! Logically, I understood, but grief doesn’t leave room for logic. 💔
Nicole April 27, 2023 at 8:14 pm
Losing your adult sibling, no matter how strained the relationship might’ve been at times, FOREVER changes you. When it was your ONLY sibling, fears of being alone in life overwhelms you. But, if you pay attention, they show you they are still with you.
Maurice Ailstock February 18, 2023 at 12:15 pm
Hey, thanks for sharing this post! It was super helpful and I gained a lot of knowledge from it. Your writing is cool and very easy to follow, so even people like me who aren’t the best at English can understand it. Thanks so much for making this post – it was truly valuable!
Sara Shiffman February 8, 2023 at 1:55 pm
I wish someone had warned me that I would feel so stupid, as if all my abilities had vanished. I could understand feeling numb, but stupid was a new one.
Marilyn McCormick January 27, 2023 at 1:27 am
I experienced a great deal of physical pain after my son died. My joints ached terribly. A massage therapist using chi-gong helped release the stress and I cried buckets at each visit. Another son died recently and my grief for him also brought forth a renewed grief for my first son, and then I grieved for both sons together. Again I experienced my body hurting all over, especially joints. My heart ached with grief, my head ached from crying, and my joints ached too. I have learned that grieving is a “whole body experience”. Also I learned that death causes us to feel previous grief all over again.
Elsie January 25, 2023 at 3:32 pm
This is very helpful. Many of these are also true for the grief of divorce. But there is sadly little social support for divorce like there is for other forms of grief.
Mary May 5, 2023 at 8:50 pm
So true! Thanks for acknowledging the lack of social support for divorce. 🙏💕
Re the grief of divorce- I lost my ex hubby to death last week, he was the Dad of my only son.
This time the grief is complex because with his death, I’m remembering now the grief of divorce that we journeyed 37 years ago after losing a child and our marriage. This was the fallout of losing our 2nd unborn child during our marriage. The grief of the loss of that unborn child, my hubby still hadn’t come to terms with 5 years later, even after regular counselling and sadly, we ended up separating and eventually divorcing unhappily. With the wisdom of hindsight, l now can see that the split happened, largely because l just wasn’t coping with the feelings of loss, guilt, grief, rejection and especially my hubbys emotional distance, while he grieved for our lost child.
For all of this there was no social support. I felt like our son and l lost so much with the separation and divorce -l lost my support, my social status and l became a struggling single mum whilst he moved on quickly and had two more kids with someone else. I felt like l was relegated to the pariah ex- wife, to be blamed for the breakdown of our marriage and loss of our second child. But thankfully l will always be grateful that he remained a great Dad for our son and he continued to support and see our son regularly. And our son also lived with him.
All of these difficult feelings for complex grief have surfaced again YIKES!!
Thanks for reading 🙏
Kind wishes ❤️
Sorry l hope l haven’t hijacked your thread! 🤪
Aleemae July 22, 2023 at 11:50 am
I think your comment was very appropriate, and I liked it very much.
My daughters father died ten years ago,October 5, 2013… We split up in 1992, but were best friends by 2007..
Losing someone I had a child with made me feel uncertain of myself, awkward, vulnerable and alone….
It took about seven years to finally get back into my own sense of self, and feel confident again…
Carrol M January 19, 2023 at 12:22 pm
Good post, I just IMd the link to a buddy who was doing a little research on this. Thanks again.
D. A October 6, 2022 at 2:13 pm
Instead of saying something like “I know how you feel”, try saying: “I can only imagine how you feel” or “I can’t even imagine how you must feel”.
Brittney Malley September 7, 2022 at 11:06 pm
When someone says: I know what you’re going through. I know how it feels.
No, you really don’t.
Rose August 25, 2022 at 11:13 am
On behalf of my friend: I wish someone had told me how much work it is after the funeral, disseminating the multiple flower
arrangements, passing to friends the plants. I’m so weak from grief and there’s work to do.
Becca December 9, 2022 at 4:18 am
My mom died two weeks ago. I am exhausted before the day begins and I took care of her.
The best comment I have received so far is that I am in survival mode and to go slow and be kind to myself.
Tina July 10, 2022 at 5:17 am
Grief is an emotion that does not have a word to describe it . Only until you experience it will you know the feeling .
Heidi Page June 1, 2022 at 9:20 am
Tomorrow June 2, the birthday of my first born. A boy, Jacob Anthony. 1lb 4 oz and 12 inches. I never did get to see his eyes… They were sealed shut. I remember his tiny little chicken legs, I remember his itty-bitty arms. Barely do I remember his face. I don’t know what color hair he had And never will I know if his eyes would’ve been blue or brown, maybe hazel? On June 3 Jacob died. Born too soon, too small, to a mom who is too young… I was 16 when I had Jacob I live with regrets every day of my life. Immediately Jacob was transported to a hospital in the city… One with A more advanced neonatal intensive care unit. I remained in the hospital he was born in. The nurses would call me and give me periodic updates. I replay that last phone call in my head over and over, the one that I received telling me that a nurse was rocking him and that he was slipping away. That should’ve been me rocking him… You know just typing this has me realizing that everything does happen for a reason and then perhaps I was just too young to rock my baby to death. Rest in peace Jacob
Angela H August 24, 2022 at 9:03 am
Heidi,
Jacob will be forever in your heart and mind you mention his eyes as one of the things you didn’t get to see but look at all the things you did see. One thing is certain that it matters not what age you were 16 or 36 you were a ‘Mother’ of a little boy that you created and carried.
Amanda May 26, 2022 at 8:34 am
I was 10 years old when I lost my dad. What I wish is that someone told me grieving was actually a thing because I had no idea what to do after going through a loss that big. I understood everything in the sense of that he wasn’t coming back, he’s dead, he died. What I didn’t understand was what I was feeling.
Becca December 9, 2022 at 4:28 am
Heidi,
You are so brave and thank you for sharing Jacob and your birth story.
I can picture Jacob in my mind, let yourself imagine his hazel eyes, and another time blue, and another time brown.
No matter what age you are or birth story a momma imagines her child in many ways and I think even more so when they cannot be with us in this life.
Jamya December 16, 2022 at 10:09 am
Yes Baby I Understand
Soni May 16, 2022 at 9:24 am
I learned that you can’t run from grief, you have to go through it. I lost my dad in May a few years ago and 2 months to the day later I lost our 14 yr old dog in July. My family had a vacation planned the day after and proceeded to take it. We were able to put grief aside for 10 days but on the flight back it found us.
A beautiful part of grief I experienced is I got to see and feel a different facet of God’s personality. I got to see how we aren’t left on our own to grieve. I felt God’s presence while my dad was dying. I warmly felt His loving arms embrace me as a comforting heavenly Father. I had never felt that from my earthly father. I can’t tell you how good that felt. What was awesome is that a song started playing on the radio when that happened. It’s called “Held” by Natalie Grant. It talks about how it feels to be held by our Lord.
I learned that God fights for us until our last breath. His will is that none of us perish but instead have everlasting life.
“The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.” 2 Peter 3:9
My dad accepted Jesus as his Lordcsnd Savior on his deathbed. Something I had prayed for years of sharing the gospel with him.
3 years later I hadn’t realized I was carrying around guilt from following through with my dad’s wishes of disconnecting him from life support. In a simple conversation with my daughter the guilt was lifted. You see God is the giver and taker of life. All of our days are numbered. The moment we are born we start aging and the process of death begins. Due to sin in the world, other horrible things like disease, tragedies, accidents may intervene and shorten our lives even more. But God never leaves us nor forsakes us. I for one am eternally grateful.
I learned that God honors our requests but He gets us to the place we need to first. By then we may no longer want nor need what we requested but He gives it anyway.
Nancy April 28, 2022 at 1:07 pm
No one told me family relationships may be irretrievably broken after a loss.
Harmony November 3, 2022 at 12:52 pm
Incredible isn’t it!!! My 20 year old son suicide by hanging him self already eleven years after, my mom died and my three sisters literally broke my heart, at funeral, cemetery, then stole all my inheritance, mom’s jewelry and estate items, plus abandoned me!! Six years later, I still haven’t been able to grieve for my mom, since and she was my best friend❣️😭
Denyse Aivalotis April 21, 2022 at 9:55 pm
I wish someone would have told me about the paralyzing fear that comes with the grief. I expected to be devistayed but I didn’t expect the fear.
Nubia Skeesick April 16, 2022 at 1:50 pm
I’ve been absent for a while, but now I remember why I used to love this blog. Thanks, I will try and check back more often. How frequently you update your website?
Litsa April 19, 2022 at 6:43 am
usually weekly (or we aim for that!)
Michael March 25, 2022 at 12:51 am
My wife, my God-given soulmate, recently passed to Heaven. We were physically together for just over 24 years, and she is now with me in spirit.
I am grateful for all of the A.D.E.’s, (After death experiences), I have had confirming she is with God in Heaven.
I’m sharing this because I want to let everyone know that you will be with your loved ones again, and your loved ones are truly there with you in spirit. I am speaking from personal experiences, it is true. The same God that brought you together with your loved ones that have passed will also reunite you with them. “And, after death, they were gathered to their people,” as the scriptures speak of.
In the meantime, I am still here. “I live because I cannot die,” sort of scenario.
Still here on the Earth for some God-given purpose, and I hope that it is unveiled and revealed to me soon.
Will take comfort in knowing that I will be with my wife, my soulmate again, when the time comes.
In the meantime, unfortunately, there is no “fast-forward” button on life though.
I’d be pressing it right now…
Kari March 15, 2022 at 9:15 am
I lost my oldest son to suicide on 7/23/2020.
Everyone always says “the first everything is the hardest.” That’s not true. The first year you are numb. In shock. In disbelief. The year goes by in a fog. Yes, it’s hard. But the truth is, the second year is worse. It’s now real. The fog has lifted. The numbness is wearing off. The shock has faded. The reality has set in. He’s gone. Forever.
Patricia May 6, 2022 at 5:46 am
I don’t know you but I can’t tell you how terribly sorry I am that you lost your son. I am a mother. I can’t imagine. I’m sending you a warm hug from here. I hope you find peace. I know it’s not remotely the same, but your son will always be with you.
Take good care of yourself.
Patricia
Marty March 17, 2023 at 12:27 am
Sometimes death is a relief of a life of unfulfillable expectations placed on you., and responsibility required and control that never went away. And then grief is like learning to walk for the first time as an adult.
Kimberley March 10, 2022 at 8:14 pm
I lost both of my younger brothers on April 26, 2021. How can I even begin to describe it? There’s no sense. Nothing makes sense in this version of reality where I am nothing resembling my former self, and my beautiful, darling, hilarious brothers are no more. Not even skeletons. Just dust.
My parents, who lost their first son all those years ago, shells of the people they once were. Who are we now? Who are we to each other? Are we even still a family any more? All I imagine, all day, every day, is losing them. Then who will I be?
What don’t they tell you about grief?
They don’t tell you that it is a full scale psychedelic journey to the deepest, darkest parts of the human soul.
They don’t tell you that you will hardly be able to look at yourself in the mirror, or bear the sound of your own voice, because it perfectly resembles the people that you lost. My face is not my face. My voice is not my voice. It’s their voice, and they’re gone.
They don’t tell you that you will have to “break the news” to yourself every single day, over and over and over again. That the traumatized and exhausted brain will start to tell you insane things in order to get a break. 50 times a day I must remind myself that this has happened, and that it cannot be undone. 50 times a day, for just a second, my brain tells me that it’s all okay, it was a bad dream. I must break my own heart over and over every single day.
They don’t tell you that you’ll compulsively start magical thinking. You’ll have to WORK to convince yourself of the truth that no human has ever come back to life. Something that your rational brain knows more than anything, but something that your traumatized brain believes whole-heartedly. It’s horrible.
They don’t tell you that you will question the point of your loved ones having lived at all. If they were just going to die, then what was the point? What was the point to any aspect of their being? You will soon turn that line of questioning on to your own self. What is the point of living? What is the point in my existence?
They don’t tell you that you will fixate on your future losses. You will resent your pets because you know their short lives are guaranteed. They are just something that will hurt you. You will fear for your parent’s deaths even more. I for one know that my horrors are ahead of me. My pain has only just begun.
They don’t tell you that the death of an immediate family member is a full scale loss of identity. I am no longer a sister. I have been a sister all my life. But if I have no brothers, then how can I be a sister? How can I be an only child, when I’m the oldest of 3? I now have to continue my life as something that I have not been.
They don’t tell you that your own birthday will really hurt you. How can I be 34 when they are forever 31 and 29? That’s not right, the numbers should be even, there should only be 2 years between each child. There was a rhyme and a reason, a simple calculation, but it makes no sense now.
Nothing makes sense.
But somehow I still wake up with a smile in the morning, and I still have hope for the future, and I am still able to enjoy my present, even if it’s so tainted with pain. I can still laugh and get excited and look forward to things. I can still enjoy this life. I am really scared to have children now, as I am scared to lose what I don’t even yet have. It’s hard not to feel – in a family where 3 sons have died – that my family line is cursed. If I have children, they will surely die, right?
But I have to believe and I have to have hope and I have to try and continue on. I have to try and enjoy this life. I simply do not want to live without my brothers, but I look around me at the friends and loved ones who have endured similar losses, and I know that life is still worth living, and happiness can still be found. It will just be different now. And the friends who don’t know grief will one day, and I forgive them for their lack of understanding. Because they are not “people who haven’t grieved,” but rather “people who will.” They are still dreamers and yes, I wish very much that I was still in that blessed group, but no one lives a full life without becoming a member. My brothers never had to know grief as they never lost anyone, and I do envy that of them. I can get through this and become a stronger person for it, but I don’t know that it would have been the same for them. They are at peace now, their troubles have ended. They are spared.
They don’t tell you that people will rally around you and make sure that you do not feel alone. They don’t tell you that connections will form and strengthen where you least expected it. They don’t tell you that your heart can be irreparably broken, but that your heart can feel even more full as a result. They don’t tell you that on the worst day of your life, you can still sit around a card table and laugh with your closest friends – because you are loved and people will be there for you.
This is life. This is the reality of life. Tomorrow is promised to absolutely no one. You cannot give up on life because you have lost, no matter how immensely.
MAG May 30, 2022 at 8:56 pm
Thank you, so much ore than you even know!
Lisa July 19, 2022 at 10:26 pm
Thank you! I’m not sure how I ended up here tonight but apparently I needed to hear most of what you wrote. It has certainly touched me. I’ve known much loss and grief, to the point I feel numb all the time, like I can barely love any more. It never really goes away, we just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and breathing in and out, forced as it may be at times. I appreciate the reminder that life is worth it, love is worth it… always. Hugs to you from across the way.
Katie August 21, 2022 at 1:16 pm
I just wanted to say how grateful I was to read your post. I know it was back in March but it has really helped me today.
I’m so sorry for your loss. To lose not one but both your brothers is totally devastating.
I lost both my parents seperately in very tragic circumstances. My mum, 5 years ago and my dad just last year.
I had just become accepting of my mums death when my dad died. Now I know i have to go though it all again. It took years to begin to finally feel a new normal. Part pf me thinks, I’ve been through this before, so this time it will be easier. No. Why, does the brain give you such a hard time.
Once again, thank you for your post. It has helped me to know, I’m not the only one going through the crazy emotions of grief.
I hope you are doing ok and send you all my love and support. Take care and my best wishes to you.
Aoife February 24, 2022 at 4:12 pm
I wish someone would have told me that my grief was as valid and respected as much as my other family members. Instead I felt and was told that I needed to look after and support my mother. We lost my brother at 13 and my dad at 65 to cancer. I recently was told I’d be unlikely to ever be pregnant and the loss of the life I thought I would bear just seems so much worse, deafeningly painful, bringing back all the grief I tried to bottle over the years. I feel robbed of life, none of my friends have even lost a pet and I feel I have lost so much in 30 years on this earth.
For anyone new to grief, it is your responsibility to care for yourself and your wellbeing, it is not your responsibility to make it easier on others
Babs February 18, 2022 at 5:17 am
Just when you think you’ve got a handle on it, it smashes into you without warning, and once again, reminds you that this ‘new normal’ is forever…that person has gone for good
Legend July 10, 2022 at 9:36 pm
When worlds collide,especially when tough ones are raised from different aspects,it’s difficult to accept and have belief in another cause one has always experienced let down,while another one experienced make it happen attitude and failure is not an option(neither are you).
So a new normal is surreal at first but soon you experience it’s not surreal it’s healthy,honest,stable, and deserving.Change is the forefront of failure or success.Without change you either fail from repeating the same shit we’re all trying to escape,or we succeed from change by changing ourselves to realize how beautiful your life really is.
Jane February 7, 2022 at 1:01 pm
Nobody told me people can be very cruel,judgemental and merciless when dealing with you.very insensitive indeed
Nina G February 17, 2022 at 3:18 pm
Unfortunately there are always people like that. You are going through enough
sorrow and don’t need unhelpful comments from ANYBODY.
Hard as it may be, stop the conversation once someone starts making you feel worse. Say something like, I cannot talk about this any further.
If they persist, you can walk away
or hang up the phone. You must protect yourself from rude people.
Nancy April 28, 2022 at 1:04 pm
Could it also be partly because we are extra sensitive at this time?
LaJean Whitaker January 26, 2022 at 8:33 pm
Lost my 34 yr old son just barely two years ago and I thought loosing my parents was hard, But this took me to my knees. I will never forget walking through the grocery store grocery shopping and passing by the ice cream. The tears came and I couldn’t stop and all I seen was the “Ben and Jerry’s” ! My son used to bring us little b and j as a treat for us when him and his little ones would come over…..I love you and miss you son!
Rose January 10, 2022 at 12:32 am
My dear big brother died in a car accident driving home from work in the rain on my birthday. It was a road he traveled thousands of times. He was an auto mechanic and really knew had to handle a car even in bad weather. He had raced motorcycles his whole life and had accidents on his motorcycle before and I didn’t like him doing stuff like that. It was too dangerous–a motorcycle on dirt going so fast. But he was just driving home from work in the rain. It was devastating. Like being struck down myself. Utterly shocking and paralyzing. That was 1 and a half years ago. I was finally coming thru the darkness and expressing pain to my sweet dad. Why aren’t other people grieving like I am, I asked! I was crying. And I saw my dad and he said, you don’t know, it hurts me so much. And I felt so bad. Oh god I didn’t know. And I thought, I’m so thoughtless. Ok. I’ll see the sunlight again. And I thought God, I’m so thankful for my dad. I truly have no one else. He Is my only support. My one friend. My best friend. And my only friend. Oh my God. My dad died. Just like that. He was 80 but he was fine. I have 2 kids. And he was literally helping me raise them. I had no one else. He was so much to me. I loved him so much. And he’s just gone. Like I don’t even understand. I can’t cope. I have no one else. And I’m so sad. I feel responsible. Damnit. I was emotionally distant after my brother died. And I was just coming out of it. And I just wanted to be close to my dad. And be around Him More. I thought, God thank you for my dad, though my brother is gone I still have my dad. And then my dad died from nothing in his sleep. I don’t understand the cruelty of this. I can’t cope. I just want to be with my dad. Hanging out. Having dinner. Miss you dad. I’m so sorry.
Patricia May 6, 2022 at 5:57 am
I’m really sorry, Rose, that you lost both your brother and your father, and that you are feeling so alone. That’s the awful thing about losing a loved one: we feel so alone! Remember, though, you have two kids. They are your family. They love you. They will grow up and you will feel less alone.
Take good care of yourself,
Patricia
Barbara McAlpine December 14, 2021 at 11:20 pm
Do not be afraid of grief. It can sometimes overwhelm and come upon you like a tsunami, but these moments are cathartic, so try to go with the flow as and when they occur.
Stef December 9, 2021 at 1:20 pm
Grief is a life time yesterday’s.
I wish I understood that the loss always feels new.
Tabitha Figueroa January 23, 2022 at 10:39 pm
So true. I’m literally breaking down now about my mom. She passed in 2020 and it literally feels like the first day
Polly November 30, 2021 at 9:10 pm
It is so thoughtful. So true that I could barely let my eyes see the next reason. I cry with all of you.
Moe November 26, 2021 at 12:16 pm
Before I got married I had a girlfriend of 2 years or so who was killed in an automobile accident by a drunk driver that ran into her at over 80mph and t-boned her in an intersection in broad day light. It was the very first person in my entire life that I knew personally that had passed away. That was in 1994. I was sad for a while, however I had no idea that I was actually grieving because prior to that I had never grieved. It wasn’t until my mother passed away in 2018 after caring for her for over 16 years that I experienced grief because I was “getting ready” for her passing-which by the way you are NEVER fully prepared for it no matter how prepared you THINK you might be. After her passing the full weight of my grief lowered itself onto my shoulders and it’s made its home there .
I began to attend a grief group and during the very first session/meeting I learned that when you begin to grieve you should NEVER MAKE ANY TYPE OF MAJOR DECISIONS.
Like buying or selling a big ticket item, I.e. a car, a home, a boat and even beginning a new relationship with someone. No one ever told me that fact and 3years later I got married because I “got along” with this nice girl I met, only to find out that I shouldn’t have gotten married and married to her. Now I’m in a marriage where we have really nothing in common with each other and that adds so much more to the weight of grief I carry because there’s really no support….
And the irony of it all is that she’s a mental health specialist…. Go figure!
So to all my grieving brothers and sisters both new to this phenomenon and not so new,
PLEASE whatever you do DO NOT make ANY MAJOR DECISIONS for a while. Chances are it will only add more weight to your grief and thicken the cloud that separates you/us from experiencing any kind of clarity and understanding….
May The Strength of The Lord continue to carry and comfort those who read this and are walking along this road grief. You are NOT alone.
Peace!
Chris P November 23, 2021 at 11:00 am
My wife of 40 years died 3 weeks ago and I have been astounded at how I feel. It’s as if all my emotions are turbocharged. I just want to be hugged 24/7 – this feeling has a strong sexual intensity which is quite ludicrous, I am in my late 60’s and I’m drawn powerfully to women friends who are 20 or even 30 years younger. Like most men I’ve always liked attractive women but I’ve never been tempted to be unfaithful to my wife, but this is so strong I’m terrified I’m going to say or do something that will cause real offence to someone who is genuinely offering me care and sympathy
Em January 2, 2022 at 10:21 am
Dear Chris~This primal urge is not abnormal. It will pass if you don’t let it frighten you. It may help to observe your feelings without adding a story to those feelings. Can you realize that your feelings are showing up as a way to find comfort and connection on a deep level? Your unconscious memories are bubbling up also. I think your word ludicrous is insightful-you see that your feelings seem inappropriate maybe? and are not realistic at the moment; that they frighten you and that you might act on those feelings. Try to be an observer of your feelings-to detach and not judge yourself or act on those feelings, but allow them to pass. You’re OK, and emotions pass and morph into higher awarenesses, but like so many emotions, it just doesn’t feel OK. Let them be, without fighting them, or identifying too much with them. God Bless you on your journey.
Sarah October 10, 2021 at 8:01 pm
No one told me how hard life is….. I lost my mother when she was 29 years old… I was 8 years old… my father didn’t cope with three young children and turned to alcohol… which made my and my sisters life hell. My grandparent’s had a massive impact in our life’s and all my cherished memories are with them. The long time effects growing with parents are so hard. I was very close to my Nan she was like a mother to me I sadly lost my Nan to a stroke in 2012. A week ago my grandad has passed away… I feel Like all my loss has been brought up again… my heart has literally been ripped from my chest. I can’t sleep or eat. The amount of pain and suffering. Life is really unfair the pain for your loves ones never stop. You just have to learn to live without them.
Kanika Mehta August 28, 2021 at 8:29 am
It is important to talk about grief to help other heal. Been through my share of bad days, I talk about it too, to help others.
Thank you for sharing this. Hope these words will help someone somewhere. [no external links]
Raymone August 15, 2021 at 11:58 pm
I wish I would have known how incredibly deep the hurt is, and how there is a space that is empty and will never be filled.
My hope is that all of you will feel joy someday again.
-- July 9, 2021 at 7:58 pm
i have never experienced major grief. the thought that i will have to someday, and that it will destroy my life forever and permanently alter me as a person, horrifies me. i would rather disappear forever so no one remembers me and we never know when each other die
Karen July 9, 2021 at 3:37 pm
I lost my partner of 30 years to a 6-week Cancer battle in May, 2021. He was my everything. My best friend and support system.
What they also do not tell you, is that like you, the family is in shock and grieving to the point where they have abandoned you instead of coming together to be supportive
Cheryl November 2, 2022 at 11:22 am
I lost my husband of 33 years 8 weeks after an ER visit for back pain that turned out to be liver cancer. He died Oct. 14, 2022.
His family was my family too, but, now I don’t have him or them.
You’re the first person that I’ve known of experiencing the same. I will be praying for you.
Shannon July 9, 2021 at 7:04 am
– I wish someone had told me that the first year sucks and the second year sucks more!
– I wish someone had told me how much “work” there is to do when someone dies and how many people need your support and the stress involved in keeping family units together.
– As the strong one, who has to take care of notifying people, companies, closing businesses, etc your grief is on the back burner.
– I wish someone had told me how complicated relationships with stepparents can be.
I lost my dad unexpectedly in August 2019. He had RA and pulmonary fibrosis. He died while in the hospital for what we believed was pneumonia.
After he and my mom divorced, he stopped drinking, straightened out some things in life and was close to celebrating his 25th anniversary with my stepmother when he died. They had 2 kids together. We were literally 2 different families though, who came together as one while he was having rough times with his illnesses and more so when he died. I’ve struggled with trying to keep the family from becoming 2 separate families again, and have pretty much given up.
My mom died in July 2020 after a brief, but fierce battle with a rare cancer. It was certainly unexpected. My mother was my best friend. She had taken care of my stepfather for 35 years. She took care of him so well, that he barely knew how to handle the funeral home, pay bills and was unfamiliar with taking care off there house and meals. I have spent the last year taking care of him and teaching him. I have settlied my mom’s personal bills, closed her business and notifying people and companies of her death….. including some of her doctors who somehow “missed the “memo.”
Now, it’s my turn to grieve both of my parents and let everyone figure out things on their own. I’ve warned people that I’ll probably be a hot mess and that’s ok.
I have a very loving and supportive husband who admitted long ago that he has no idea what I’m going through since he luckily has not had to endure this. Admitting that and just being there when I needed him most was the most helpful thing he could have done.
Elizabeth Taylor June 28, 2021 at 8:14 am
Hello, I lost my mum and dad within 10 weeks of each other. My mum had cancer and she fought for 4 years. Then after she had passed away my dad told me he was coughing up blood and it turned out he had stage 4 lung cancer – then 10 weeks later he was gone.
I know you lose your parents – but due to an error (long story) my dad screamed for 5 hours because he was in so much pain prior to him dying. I could not help him with his pain and the District Nurses couldn’t come out as they were SHORT STAFFED and therefore he died screaming at home. Reading all of your stories – it’s just horrendous.
I just wanted to say that I know the guilt and the pain. The pressure to be ‘ok’ as people give you a ‘time’ I have found. As though we should be ok after however long.
We are all strong and living our lives with all these complex, horrendous trauma is like carrying a backpack full of stones – it physically hurts.
Everyone should be kind to themselves. Grieve YOUR way. Also EVERY DAY that you get up – is a sign of your strength.
I’m so sorry to everyone for your pain and losses.
Yes, reading the stories has helped because we aren’t alone – we all understand it. Grief is something I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.
Lots of Love to everyone on here xxx
Nichole June 19, 2021 at 12:26 am
My mom died 10 days ago after battling cancer for 2+ years. We had time to say goodbye but something is wrong…..She was my absolute best friend and we spent so much time together, but I am not really grieving. I’ve only cried a couple of times for an extremely short period of time, I’m numb, and don’t really feel sad. How long till it sinks in? I’m terrified for when the other shoe drops. This probably sounds weird but I wish I could cry and sob and miss her but here I am just …..existing:(
anonymous June 24, 2021 at 9:41 am
Nichole,
I lost my dad 8 yrs ago, and I felt the exact way you have described. I thought I was coping and I guess to some extent I was. This year I finally found myself crying and feeling those numbed out emotions. Sometimes I think our minds know it, but our hearts just aren’t ready to process it yet. I read something that says our souls know how to heal us, its our minds and body’s that have to be willing. I know this is probably the last thing you want to hear, but when all three of the, are ready to process you will!
Marie Gaskell October 11, 2021 at 9:45 am
I lost my mother August 30 2020 after 3+ years of Cancer. The first year was a breeze ( in retrospect). I guess I was numb. I was her caregiver so there was also s huge sense of relief. Fast forwarder to year 2 of grief and I’m lost! This was so unexpected. I wish someone had told me that year 2 would be the hardest.
foreverlost October 26, 2021 at 10:50 am
i am about to go into year 2, my mom died at the end of 2020. the first few months i cried very little, i now see i must have been in shock because now it’s horrible. i cry everyday, i miss her so much it physically hurts. the sadness and lack of finding joy in anything is beyond anything i could have imagined. i get up everyday and do what I have to do and that’s about it, every now and then forget how sad i am but that doesn’t last very long. i pray that it will get better and I leave my heart open to that possibiltiy.
Kat October 26, 2021 at 12:11 pm
Heart goes out to you. I lost my mum at the end of 2019. And I very much relate to feeling this way. All I can say is that in my experience, it hasn’t gone away but has changed shape. So while for me the loss of her hasn’t got easier, the experience of carrying the loss, has. I hope that helps a little. Thinking of you x
Audrienna Mack December 9, 2021 at 8:22 pm
My mom passed 9 days after your mom. I was also numb for a while but now I find myself crying every other day. I hope you’re healing well and taking it easy on yourself.
Carol May 30, 2021 at 3:14 pm
My husband took his own life nearly 1 year ago. I have the most amazing 2 sons, one of which has learning difficulties. I wish that people would use the term dead or died instead of lost. For weeks, my son thought that we could ‘find daddy again’ because that is what happens when you lose something… you find it again.
I wish people just said something instead of nothing.
I wish people would stopped telling me how strong I am. I’m not strong, I’m surviving. One day I’m hopeful that surviving will turn to thriving for is all.
Elizabeth Taylor June 28, 2021 at 8:24 am
Hello Carol, I am so sorry to hear about your husband. Genuinely my love. I just wanted to say that I agree – comments like ‘Oh you are so strong’ and ‘I couldn’t cope the way you are’ are SO NOT HELPFUL! What do people expect you to do?????
You have NO choice but to carry on.
You have your two amazing sons to look after. People have no idea what to say – so they shouldn’t say anything. I hope your sons are doing the best that they can. I just want to say that you get up every morning and look after your boys because if you don’t who will?
People can be real d***s.
Lots of Love
Sam May 25, 2021 at 1:02 pm
My mom passed away a week ago. It was sudden and unexpected. My dad has been ill and bedridden for over a year, so me and my siblings had all been mentally preparing for losing him. My mom had been depressed for so long since my dad became ill, and I had been harboring this fantasy that when he passed she would come back to herself. Now she’s gone and I feel completely adrift. I go from having intense emotions one day to being completely numb the next. I have no idea how to process any of this but I’m grateful I found this site.
Cheryl May 4, 2021 at 4:07 pm
Grief is sometimes not about grieving a death. A loved one who committed a horrific crime and being sent to prison is a complicated grief. We learn empathy we never thought possible. To grieve lifes destroyed because of a mistake.
Vicki May 9, 2021 at 9:26 pm
I completely agree. My nephew is serving 9 years for doing dumb stuff, nothing violent & my husband died 2 months ago. I am devastated with grief.
Johny Doen January 8, 2022 at 5:50 pm
Although you probably had nothing to do with the death of your loved one, the guilt of not being able to change the outcome will be with you.
Shania April 30, 2021 at 2:46 pm
I am 23 years old and my grandmother passed away January,27,2019. im still grieving till this day its extra hard for me because i know my family does not like to talk/acknowledge the fact that she was the one who held this family together.She got sick one day and been in the hospital 3 months until she was able to come home i decided to drop everything college and getting my license to become her care taker. it was alot i was watching her and babysitting 4 kids at the time i was so tired and stressed out I didn’t notice she stopped taking her pills which led her to being in the hospital again and i cant help but blame myself. the remainder of her time I couldn’t go see her because i told my mom and my aunt i would watch the kids while they slept with her at the hospital my mom told me how much she was crying for me and wanted to see me and i never went i had kids to watch and i will never forgive myself. no one else in my family spent time with her only her kids did she felt alone she stopped talking and eating and all she wanted was to see me and I didn’t go. She was and still is my best friend
Sandra Lyles April 30, 2021 at 9:51 am
It took me a year and a half to realize that when I lost my mom I lost a branch of my family, my childhood home and city. I was so angry until I identified it for the grief that it actually was tied to. I also as a caretaker lost my purpose and my happy zone with her.
Jessica C May 12, 2021 at 4:06 pm
I lost my mom 3 months ago, she was my best friend, my rock, my everything. I honestly struggle trying to see a future without her in it. She was healthy and happy then the next day gone. It still doesn’t feel real.
I am 25 years old and I keep thinking how do I live the next +-50 years without her.
Lisa May 22, 2021 at 1:28 am
I’m so sorry to hear of your grief I lost my mum 2 weeks ago sudden cardiac arrest we did everything together I don’t know how I’m suppose to live without her either I’m getting some comfort knowing I’m not the only one feeling this way 🥲
Jessica April 29, 2021 at 10:09 am
I lost my brother on march 13 2021 do to suicide. My brother was my best friend. He had been battleling a big drug addiction for 20 years. I can’t help to feel like I should of done more. I misss him dearly. Even if he had problems he was always there for me. And now i feel alone and so mad at him. I still can’t accept that he hung himself. I have so many unanswered questions!!! Why? Could i had saved him? Why didn’t he call me like he usually did when he wasn’t feeling good? Is it my fault? Why didn’t he know i loved him more than life!!! Why did he choose to make us go tru all this. I have this anger inside of me and i dont know how to deal with it.
My brother didn’t even leave me a letter anything…. my parents are devastated… its hard to try and keep it all together… why didn’t i see it coming…
Jude April 30, 2021 at 12:55 pm
Dear Jessica,
I just read your message and I just wanted to reach out to you. I haven’t experienced what you’re coping with directly but a very close friend has and I know from being with them the horrendous pain you must be in. You sound like you love your brother so much. Take care of yourself and sending love your way x
margaret pancoast June 23, 2021 at 2:30 pm
I’m so very sorry for your loss of your brother. Unfortunately we (our family)had a similar experience with our loss of Brendan.. My baby boy..My daughter’s big brother/best friend and my oldest son’s younger brother. It was November 11, 2016 and it’s a day none of us will ever forget. Life changed forever from a phone call
My heart and prayers are being sent to you Jessica and your family.
I do know in my heart OUR Brendan is finally at PEACE. Not that I don’t miss him and all the milestones that we will all miss because it I do and will but HE IS AT PEACE. He struggled all the time and I love him so much that it hurt my heart more to see all the struggles and pain he went through. My love and light and prayers to you.
Sincere, Margaret xoxo
Julie September 3, 2021 at 10:52 pm
Hello Jessica, I am so sorry for your loss.I have also lost my younger brother who was my best friend to drugs on Aug31,2021, he was 29. I feel exactly like you said. I should have done more, I should have been there for him. Why didn’t I call him more. Why didn’t I try harder, even as stubborn as he was. I have this immense guilt in my heart because he always came to me, I was the one he trusted, when everything else would let him down. We found him in bed, he overdosed and because he was always left to sleep in no one knew until around 6pm that day and he was already ice cold. I’m balling my eyes out as I type this, we were supposed to grow old together, and watch each other’s children, and talk stories with my other , now 18, year old brother of our parents and the good times. I wanted him around soo soo much more. How do you tell someone who can’t hear you that your sorry. I really need to know. I’m so sorry for your loss and I hope we can both cherish the love we had for our brother.
Litsa September 14, 2021 at 9:49 am
Julie -I am so incredibly sorry for the loss of your brother. Please know that, as much as we might want to be, we can not be responsible for someone else’s recovery. It sounds like you loved your brother deeply. Though you cannot tell him now the things that you regret, you may find it helpful to write a letter to him – even knowing you can’t give it to him. Also, it can be helpful to consider the ways that you will live your life in a way that is a “living amends”. You can read more about that here – https://whatsyourgrief.com/guilt-grief-living-amends/
Madi April 16, 2021 at 9:09 pm
I wish someone had told me grief is not reserved for the dead. Greg grief of loss of the living is equally and sometimes greater than the grief for those who have died. Exactly the same emotions but worse because of the rejection. Grief counseling is just as valid for the loss of a living person as of a dead person.
Cecilia April 20, 2021 at 3:03 pm
Madi, I wish that too. I found this thread after watching a movie that really made me meditate on the death of my loved ones and how it could really happen any time – but so far in my life the greatest grief has been of a guy I was in love with when I was 14. No human being had ever made me feel more safe, seen, and truly myself, and after he moved away it felt like my life had a giant hole. It was a secret, so I suffered in silence, not telling my family but feeling like life had the color sucked out of it. Just again this last year I had a falling out with the best friend that I’d had since that relationship, and I felt like I’d been ripped into again. But honestly, I think the experiences are ultimately helping me grow. There’s so much pain, but I can deal with it and still experience incredible joy. I wouldn’t take back a moment of either relationship. Now I feel like I have a greater joy for my day to day – I can truly value the present and celebrate the privilege of being okay.
Tonya April 14, 2021 at 3:10 am
I lost my brother not even a month after his 53 bday. It’s been 2 months now and I cry off and on every day. It was a horrific site to have seen . He had a heart attack . Not like the ones you see on tv. I can’t imagine life without him in it. I have all kinds of emotions to add to my pain. The what if’s the I should haves and then I think of the long winter full of cold and snow that he spent working so hard to make a way for his family but his family was here. He came home for Christmas after being gone a year. It breaks my heart that he didn’t get to see the beauty of a new spring after all the cold. I cry because I feel guilty I see the new spring! I want to scream at times!!! My heart is so shattered. I loved my brother with my whole heart!! and though I’m blessed with family I still have , I feel so empty and my life is no longer complete! I hope to hold a smile upon my face and be a part of laughter once more but for now I feel I’m drowning in my grief! I his death will surely take its toll on my being! I need to say I love you.. I need to call him… I need that text good nite.. I need to fix him a meal.. I need a hug.. I need him to walk through the door.. I need to show him the daily pic of my granddaughter… I need to tell him I love him!!! I need him to know I’m so sorry I couldn’t and didn’t save him!! O’ sweet Jesus have him standing right beside you to meet me when my time on this earth is done!!! For I will live my life to be certain of my salvation!!! …… Grief is a passage.. not a Place to stay.. it is not a sign of weakness nor a lack of faith… it is the price of love…
Kaylee April 16, 2021 at 6:12 am
I am so sorry for your loss 😭 Grief is the most painful and confusing things we ever have to experience. I know you probably have huge holes in your heart because it’s so hard to process. It’s so miserable and scary at times. 🙁 but just continue to remember that Jesus loves you, I love you, and God loves you. It wasn’t until I lost someone very special to me that I started going to church for the first time. It’s so comforting knowing we will all be reunited one day because of Our Savior and our Faith. I’ve learned to realize that grieving is a blessing. Without it, there’s no love. And without it, there’s not a daily reminder on how important they were to our lives.
You should listen to these songs below:
“Gone Too Soon” by Simple Plan.
(My personal favorite)
“See You Again” by Carrie Underwood
(To remember it’s not for forever)
“Gone Too Soon” by Daughtry.
(To help remember the ones we lost)
“Temporary Home” by Carrie Underwood
(Another reminder it’s not forever)
“Terrible Things” by Mayday Parade.
(If you need help crying).
All these songs have helped me find comfort and helped me put my feelings into words when I didn’t know how too.
Another thing that helps me get comfort is creating photo prints like photo albums, personized magnets/books/keychains/etc. To have to them to always carry with me. I personized a notebook so I could write down my fondest memories of them and to talk to them directly through writing. It’s very therapeutic and it might help you if you tried it out to see. 🙁
I’m so sorry. I hope you all find comfort soon and you will continue to heal from your loss peacefully. 🙏❤ I’m sending prayers to all of you and your family!
Bella June 15, 2021 at 10:31 pm
Thank you
Matthew August 26, 2021 at 8:48 pm
Kaylee thank you so much. I needed help crying and that mayday song was perfect. I lost the love of my life suddenly a week ago and my past, present, and most importantly my future has been shattered. I don’t expect to recover the loss of one that is completely irreplaceable. There was no goodbye but I never let a day pass without showing her how I felt. I wish she would haunt me. I wish she could posses me for a moment so that she can see herself through my eyes. So she could personally feel what I don’thave the vocabulary to describe. The shock and numb stage sucks. My crying has been soft and sporadic. I’ve never been a good at crying and I’ve always felt that was part cause of my depression issues. Thank you. ❤
Darlene November 6, 2021 at 8:10 am
Kaylee,
I’m sorry that you’re having to go through this. And I thank you so much for your song list. They really do give you all the feels. I have 2 other songs that I’d like to add that have really forced me to address my emotions and deal with the pain. They are ‘If I would have known’ by Kyle Hume and ‘Clouds’ by Zack Sobiech. Hope someone else can appreciate them as I do. *Keep tissues nearby.
Chandra May 6, 2021 at 5:18 pm
Tonya,
Your comment popped up front and center after clicking the link from a previous assignment. I don’t know what to say but feel compelled to say something. We have similar experiences in losing a brother and as I read your words I felt like they were my exact words last year after losing my brother unexpeditly. The heaviness will subside and you will endure. God will guide you. Trust him. I wish there was a way to share my email address so we could connect if you just need a listening ear. Blessings to you as you grieve.
Sophie Stephenson June 29, 2021 at 2:45 am
Wow, Tonya. That is so powerful. I just lost my brother and am feeling shattered too. I wish you peace and comfort and thank you for sharing.
Clancy Collins April 11, 2021 at 7:37 pm
I wish I’d of been aware of Complicated Grief, Disenfranchised Grief, to expect no good, goodbye. No human show be forced to die all d as lone
Jeandre Van Rooijen April 1, 2021 at 9:31 am
There’s also an odd sense of paranoia. Since my father passed away this year, I’m super paranoid about losing other family members. I had an anxiety attack because my mom drunk dialled me at night, I honestly thought something was wrong – turns out she was on her way to bed after too much wine and wanted to talk about work. I also lost 2 dogs shortly after I lost my dad, and sure, many people will say that they are just pets…but because I was already grieving, it hit really hard and I fell into a deeper hole because I was sure that I was being tormented by death. Now I got a new puppy to help me cope with the grief and I am too scared to leave her at home alone just in case some freak accident takes her from me as well. I worry about my sisters more than I used to, I worry about my fiancé, where I never used to and every time I hear a kid scream (during play time – playing crocodile on the jungle gym – no injuries) I get flashbacks on how I reacted to the news of my dad’s death and my reaction to losing my 2nd dog. It’s horrible. I can’t sleep and often have to listen to guided hypnotism to put myself to sleep. It drives the people around me mad because I drop my pup with my mom before I go shopping, just so I know she won’t be alone. I get worried when my fiancé snores funny and my anxiety is through the roof.
Cwarren1971@yahoo.com March 24, 2021 at 10:21 pm
When the pain comes, allow it, allow the tears and heartache exactly as they are, no matter where you are or what ur doing and with whom. Just feel it all for what it is in that moment. This is how grief moves forward. If you stop it, it will break you when you least expect it.
Phathu March 19, 2021 at 6:28 am
I’m sorry for your loss, last week I buried my husband we were married for only 12 hours after dating for 11 years and when we both finely got good jobs and building our house he was taken away from me , I don’t know if I’ll ever get through this , I’m hurt , I’m tired , I wish he could came back to me , I can’t believe he’s gone after everything we’ve been through and when we finally got breakthrough he died he left me and my 5 years old daughter and 2 month pregnant.
I’m hurt I’m hurt . I wish I can wake up from this please wake me up, he can’t die now .
Andy March 17, 2021 at 5:47 pm
Correction…
Until that day..I share that very (lonely) and difficult journey of grief with all those on the same journey.
Not
Until that day..I share that very (lovely) and difficult journey of grief with all those on the same journey.
Andy March 17, 2021 at 5:40 pm
I struggle with the overwhelming pain and deep dark thoughts.
My heart, my head consumed with overbearing grief.
I know the one I love is not here anymore but so wish they were.
I miss my wife in so many ways that I never knew i thought I could.
9 months on and I don’t know what to do.
Constantly in a void. The middle of no where.
Cannot look back…to painful
Cannot move forward…dont know how.
I exist but I no longer feel real.
The world goes on…I stand still.
I read what happens with grief…yet it doesn’t answer those many questions.
It says I will find a way…I will learn to live again……
Until that day..I share that very lovely and difficult journey of grief with all those on the same journey.
My pain only serving to remind me how brave we all need to be if we are to get to that place of peace one day.
I may not know you but I share something with you all…… Grief.
That gives me some sense of comfort that somehow I’m not as lonely as I may think I am.
It gives me the hope that I can find that place I will once more feel I belong.
My prayers and thoughts go out to you all
Kim June 9, 2021 at 1:05 pm
Andy, my husband died on March 5, 2021. Your post touched my heart and said so much of what I am experiencing. My prayers go out to you too. God bless you and all who are grieving.
Karen Brown March 14, 2021 at 8:30 pm
My husband passed away 2 years ago after an 8 year courageous fight against cancer. We were married for 35 years. One of the things I’m struggling with is everything that we were is gone. My crying comes in waves. I was in Lowe’s the other day and I got emotional. Wish the grief wouldn’t hurt so much.
Gillian Cowley McPhee March 13, 2021 at 3:23 pm
Although I’m a psychotherapist who has worked with many grieving clients, everything has gone out of the window since I lost my own sister to suicide just 5 weeks ago. I feel like this is completely alien territory….
Donna March 12, 2021 at 6:30 am
Grief feels a lot like fear.
Lois LaVerne March 3, 2021 at 4:17 pm
I lost my husband 8 months ago. I’m a little better inside, not a lot. I’m just better at coping. I love most of what you wrote above, but I do take exception to #8. There is Not always time for that moment to say goodbye. Thankful that I did.
Frankie March 1, 2021 at 1:29 pm
I found my partner dead suddenly last week and I cant stop holding my breath…
The preliminaries are almost over and the masses have returned to their respective corners…
It’s starting to get quiet here and I am afraid of the dark.
Jamie DeRodeff February 18, 2021 at 1:11 pm
The relationship does not end when a loved one does it changes and continues. We don’t talk much about after they are gone in this way. We may feel crazy or fear to be viewed as crazy,to speak to them aloud. I guess it boils down to beliefs. Do we believe in GOD? And still considered to be wishful thinking to believe their energy goes on in some shape or form and have moments we believe it is more than coincidental. If anything the loss of Christopher made me believe more. It seemed undeniable at times.
Few days after his death I wanted to find the highest mountain to walk up and scream or as if I would be closer to the sky to maybe see him. The world felt still and surreal as if I stood at the edge of a piece of land to another world, right where they met. I searched for him in crowds, in the woods, in the stars. I don’t regret how I have grieved or have moments of grief to this day. The last two years I have become more fearless, more present ( majority of days ) more in tune with humanity at minimum. Once a month or maybe once every two months I do have a day something hits me and it takes me over. I allow it I take long candlelight baths with soft jazz or Johnny Cash who was his favorite. sleep, listen to records, walk in the woods and turn my phone off that day. Oh yes and I cry. I don’t believe in drugs and feel it is natural and to allow it as long as the next morning I no longer feel this way and I don’t any longer
But that one day I went to bring food to his parents and sat at our bench along the water we met at for over 20 years since we were high school sweethearts. I asked that day he let me know he is not gone. I heard what would have been our wedding song blaring from another car that drove by, simultaneously my mother called and said ,” tell Christopher to stop it everything is going haywire : tv, the garage door, the alarm clock and when she picked up her cell phone his contact was open on the screen.” When I drove home from the river I stopped at a store I wanted to buy myself flowers for the house and as I walked up a man played a violin. I immediately realized it was that song from the Titanic and that was our movie. A violinist really? This isn’t NYC subways this was the first time I have ever seen one randomly at a store in a rural setting. Later that night as I sobbed I heard on the TV ,” Decker are you alright” . His last name is Decker and he is a marine as I rewinded Love and Robots on Netflix and abruptly stopped crying. I saw a marine say,” yes I am ok.” I could go on and on. There are still days I hit the road for work and meet 10 people all day and 6 or 7 of them will be named Chris, even the women. Common name but still strikes me as odd. I carry his picture in the work truck and like to believe he makes me stronger and better at what I do. I can feel him not always but at times. Maybe wishful thinking but my beliefs are heavy that people are more than just some matter thrown together with an electrical current. Energy transfers and that’s a fact. The question is, can we still interact or speak to our loved one who has passed while still in this world and us still here.
Why do we not talk about how the relationship changes, it indeed does not cease when they pass.
His death date is around the corner and I probably needed to rant more than letting you know this is missing off your list .
Thanks to any who made it to the end and maybe you needed to hear that your loved one is still around.
I wish you all comfort in those times when the wave hits.
Beth April 19, 2021 at 7:54 am
Jamie, I’m so very sorry…I loved what you said about your your faith and experiences after the loss of your husband, Chris. I remember trying to be as close to the clouds and heaven as possible. I parked at the top of my office building garage. I know there is more after death. It’s the hardest part…to know but not be able to see. ❤️❤️❤️
Lynne February 13, 2021 at 9:38 am
Thank you for this article. It’s the the most real thing I’ve read since my daughter died last August
Isabelle Siegel February 17, 2021 at 12:38 pm
Lynne, I’m very sorry for your loss.
Jamie DeRodeff February 18, 2021 at 1:12 pm
💗⭐️
Molly Karlsson February 9, 2021 at 7:24 am
Ive been grieving since i was 9 years old, and i feel like it never stops. My aunt passed away in 2007, my dads mom in 2014 then both grandparents on my moms side inn 2015. I was close with all of them and i feel like i cant let go. Whenever i talk to my mom about any of them i end up crying and my mom dosent. She says she can look back at the happy times but all i can do is realise that i’ll never see them again. I talk about them with my therapist often and i always cry. Im 22 today and i still griveve the loss of them to this very day as i just finished crying. I wish i could let them go but i cant, i cant accept the face that they were all taken too soon. But i will never regret loving them this hard. It gets easier but you never fully recover.
Isabelle Siegel February 9, 2021 at 8:47 am
Molly, I’m so sorry for the multiple losses you have been forced to endure. I recommend you check out this article: https://whatsyourgrief.com/cumulative-grief-aka-grief-overload/ It’s completely normal and valid for grief to persist. People often expect themselves to “get over” grief… But it’s often a lifelong process. I highly recommend you give this article a read: https://whatsyourgrief.com/grief-recovery-is-not-a-thing/ Please know that, no matter what, you are not alone. All the best to you.
Karen Aggett February 9, 2021 at 4:03 pm
I hear you. I lost my nan 37 years ago and it still hurts a lot. I still cry for her. I lost my grandad 27 years ago and it is the same. I have lost countless friends far too soon and I grieve for them all. Then, last year I lost my son to suicide and I cannot even begin to describe how this pain has taken over the other grief pains. It is unbearable and I will live my life in grief. I feel for you, because I have been in grief for 37 years and it has only got worse, because the most precious thing, my son, is also now gone. Forever 33, my son Dean. I hope you can find peace and comfort in the love you have for all your lost ones, even though the pain is unendurable, you loved hard, so you will grieve hard. Unfortunately that is how it is. The only way you can escape grief, is by not loving…and we would all prefer the love in our lives than no feeling. Take care precious x
Isabelle Siegel February 10, 2021 at 12:14 pm
Karen, I’m so sorry for the multiple losses you’ve been forced to endure. I highly recommend you check out this article on cumulative grief, a.k.a grief overload: https://whatsyourgrief.com/cumulative-grief-aka-grief-overload/ Your perspective is so insightful: “The only way you can escape grief, is by not loving… and we would all prefer the love in our lives than no feeling.” It reminds me of the famous quote from Alfred Lord Tennyson, “‘Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” All the best to you.
Jennifer February 21, 2021 at 11:07 pm
I lost my Mom, Oct. 16, 2020. I’m only 34 and she was only 55. I’ve been through many unfortunate family deaths, but nothing like this! There’s nobody in the world that loves you unconditionally like your Mom. My Husband has done his best to be here for me, but nothing could EVER prepare either of us. She died at home and my poor Dad was with her when it happened as I say expectedly, unexpected. In the middle of it my husband, kids, and I were moving from Oklahoma to Texas for ministry. Leaving my home as I grew up in Oklahoma was hard enough, but I was excited and then this… Literally spent 1 week packing then my Mom passed. I had to be there for my Dad and sister, so I took on the phone calls and planning of the funeral, as well. I was sooo very numb! The day after my Mom passed we had to move! It’s been so much. Thinking I was going crazy because I go from one mood to the next. Jesus has been my sole strength getting through all of this! I will save this article as I have these hard times it’s nice to look back at something to know it’s “normal” to feel these things that seem so abnormal. Thank you!
Denise February 3, 2021 at 7:43 pm
My addition to your list, “Sometimes losing what you thought you had/wished you’d had with someone is harder than losing what you actually had.”. I don’t want to elaborate, but this one got pounded home again for me this year.
Sandra Lyles April 30, 2021 at 10:01 am
Yes this is the hardest b/c we told ourselves for many years that a relationship in our family was something it was not. Then poof it is gone. Your side was real. Theirs was not. This is double grief.
Belinda Mayfield January 29, 2021 at 11:11 pm
I lost my father to Covid about two months ago. I’m so out-of-sorts, I don’t know what to do. I think things are compounded because my work is complicated by Covid and requires 7 days per week to keep the minimal requirement up. I also live alone and there has been no one who has acknowledged my loss. I took 3 days bereavement from work; it’s normal that people send goodwill wishes by cards at work and my colleagues have completely ignored doing this. At the same time, I witness my work giving support and cards to others with similar losses. I’ve been forgotten. My landlords who live in the same house as me (my room is their master room, with a make-shift kitchen, and it’s own entrance) are aware I’m upset. I’ve mentioned it. Still, they offer no acknowledgment. I really have no one I can turn to. It’s getting to the point that I’m so upset that I think of alcohol first thing in the morning. The strange thing is I don’t drink alcohol at all usually. I’ve held myself back from that impulse, and I don’t expect to go that direction. Still, I eat sugary things and not much good nutritional things. I feel so badly I’m looking for something to give me a boost to keep up with my job. I don’t have enough resources or money to stop my job, or to take a break from it. I have no other family left now that my father died. I feel very alone and coronavirus Shelter in Place order had already seriously affected me. My father’s death is taking my in spiral downward, just getting through a day is a major act … and now I’m also starting to feel really terrible that no one in my environment cares enough to even check in with me. I’ve received no calls or texts since his death.
Because I’ve lived alone for about 30 years, and I’m 63 years old, I’ve developed some strong skills to keep my life going by myself. It’s hard to face such a significant loss alone. My heart then hurts more to witness no one reaching out to me… a time I’m having trouble reaching out or pretending.
Isabelle Siegel January 31, 2021 at 11:16 am
Belinda, I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m also sorry to hear that you are feeling so alone and unacknowledged. I recommend you check out this article: https://whatsyourgrief.com/unique-loneliness-grief/ I know you said you’re having trouble reaching out and asking for help, but perhaps you could take the difficult step of contacting a therapist trained in grief and bereavement. You can find one here: https://grief.com/grief-counselor-directory/. Please know that, despite your feelings, you are NOT alone. The What’s Your Grief community is here for you. All the best to you.
Connie Brady February 7, 2021 at 9:26 am
Your story is heartbreaking, I want to extend my sympathy and virtual hug. I hear your loneliness and despair and wish I had the ability to do more than just read your words.
I am here because of the death of my son in October. My journey is totally different than yours. But, we are on the same journey of loss. I am finding that long walks help a lot. Knowing others are on the same path, before – behind – beside me helps. Hugs!
Alyssa F March 2, 2021 at 2:20 am
Belinda. I am so sorry for your loss. And even more heartbroken that you feel so unsupported during this difficult time. Take care of yourself please.
Andrea Hunt January 29, 2021 at 5:49 am
Thanks so much for writing this. It’s been a real comfort and help to know how I’m feeling is really normal and I can relate to everything you’ve said. My grief is in relation to my pet cat who was my best friend. I miss him so much and I just feel like I’m drowning.
Aleisha January 21, 2021 at 12:56 am
Finding this page has helped me so much, it is so comforting to see there are people who understand. I am 18 and lost my dad to coronavirus 3 months ago, he died alone in hospital as we weren’t allowed in.
It has been hard, especially as so many people my age have shied away from me as they claim they “don’t know what to do”. It is true grief rewrites your address book, as I have made new friends and lost friends of years simply because they don’t want to take the time to understand. I had expected grief to be like a stabbing pain, writhing on the floor, feeling like your heart had been scooped out for a long period of time and then to finally feel ok again. It hasn’t been like that at all for me, it does come in waves. One thing I didn’t expect was the constant ache all of the time as we have to navigate life without him being here in the way he used to. My faith helps me a lot.
One of the things which has surprised me is the anger I feel, not at how he died but at the people around me who don’t follow coronavirus guidelines, putting everyone at risk when I know how painful the result is. My friends who say they care and then go partying in large crowds may as well have told me they are glad of my dads death as they are intentionally causing someone else that pain. I feel very isolated because of this and I struggle to accept that people I used to be friends with just don’t belong in my life anymore.
I regret that I can’t give any of you advice, as to be honest I don’t know what helps the pain and I don’t know when it will get easier, but know you are not alone and that you will not always feel this way.
Isabelle Siegel January 22, 2021 at 10:39 am
Aleisha, I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m glad that this website/community is bringing you even an ounce of comfort. The anger you’re feeling is absolutely normal and valid. You may want to check out these resources: https://whatsyourgrief.com/all-about-anger/ and https://whatsyourgrief.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/Grief-Covid-Document.pdf I hope you can take your own advice: Know you are not alone and that you will not always feel this way. All the best to you.
Jessica February 6, 2021 at 4:43 pm
Aleisha- I may be older but not sure I’m any wiser than you. I am a 40yo physician who lost her mother (a nurse) to covid on Christmas morning. I am many states away and my last moments with her were over FaceTime. Please know you are not alone in your anger. The rage I feel at times is overwhelming. I believe this is normal in this situation. We were robbed of our loved ones by an unrelenting pandemic which it seems many pretend does not exist. I am learning that grief is not something to get over…it’s something we carry with us forever. I wish you well.
Lavanya May 21, 2021 at 12:13 pm
Hey aleisha
The exact same thing happened to me. My father passed away last month because of covid. I’m 19 and people i thought as friends and relatives, who i thought would be there for me didn’t show up, didn’t call. It just hurts so much. It’s been a month and still they haven’t visited me. I feel like i have nobody rn. It’s just the three of us my mom, me, my little sister. I just hope things get better.
Sending strength to you❤
Jenna Melton January 20, 2021 at 10:50 am
My daughter died a couple weeks ago. She was 3yrs old. She was my world. I cry so much my eyes burn and I scream so loud I piss myself. I don’t want to live without her. I need my best friend back, I need my Anna banana. I would sell my soul for another minute with her and I would also sell my soul to know exactly why she is gone.
Isabelle Siegel January 22, 2021 at 10:49 am
Jenna, I’m truly so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine the pain you are going through… Words are not enough. I hope this website/community shows you that, no matter what, you’re not alone. All the best to you.
Alyssa F March 2, 2021 at 2:29 am
Jenna. Your pain is unimaginable. I can see how those “why” questions would stick around for a long time. I’m so sorry for your loss.
Margaret Alchin January 20, 2021 at 10:09 am
I lost my daughter eight months ago & it’s been the toughest time of my life .I have found that so many people don’t truly understand & reading this , I felt a sense of satisfaction that someone does truly understand how it feels & I could relate to this list …thank you .
Isabelle Siegel January 22, 2021 at 10:51 am
Margaret, I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m glad to hear that reading this communicated to you that you’re not alone. I know how difficult and invalidating it can be when people don’t understand or say unintentionally hurtful things. You may want to check out this article: https://whatsyourgrief.com/people-say-the-wrong-thing-grief/ All the best to you.
Dee Rhea January 6, 2021 at 5:40 pm
Just found your podcasts and your site. I am so thankful for you! I just finished writing a book about this exact thing. I lost my husband of only 21 years, in 2019 and have felt like a foreigner in my own country since. Your website and podcasts have only confirmed all the things I have not only gone through but also felt in the last 18 months. I am excited to begin writing my second book and feel like I truly am on the right path. Thank you and I am excited to continue this journey in getting people to see that grief is not a five step program! Thank you again!
IsabelleS January 7, 2021 at 10:49 am
Dee, thanks for taking the time to comment! I’m very sorry for your loss. I’m glad to hear that our podcast and site have helped to validate your emotions… You’re right: Grief is not a five-step program (In fact, you may be interested in this article: https://whatsyourgrief.com/five-stages-of-grief/) All the best to you!
Dominique December 27, 2020 at 5:31 am
This is the most helpful thing I have read so far. Thank you.
Clancy Collins December 22, 2020 at 1:02 pm
Good morning all! I’m not trying to be the Debbie Downer of this fine Monday morning. So, please forgive me, I am seeing several symptoms in myself!
Has anyone experienced a loved one passing away due to Corona Virus? If so have you heard of or are you too experiencing?:“Complicated Grief”
I understand it to be the grieving from just a Pandemic in itself is traumatizing. Then, as humans our natural grieving process has been thrown off. Causing our grieving of changes the Pandemic enforced, and loss of live of a loved one. Now, kind of floating in the middle of the two. It’s definitely an extremely emotional experience I wish not on anyone. Please be safe.
“No one, no matter what should be forced to die alone, when it didn’t have to be that way.”
I so dislike Corona Virus!
“Complicated grief is like being in an ongoing, heightened state of mourning that keeps you from healing. Signs and symptoms of complicated grief may include: Intense sorrow, pain and rumination over the loss of your loved one.”
# Here is a trusted link about Complicated Grief. Thanks.
IsabelleS December 23, 2020 at 11:41 am
Clancy, I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this! You may be interested in these resources: https://whatsyourgrief.com/normal-or-no-so-normal-grief/ and https://whatsyourgrief.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/Grief-Covid-Document.pdf All the best to you.
Barb Gabbert December 13, 2020 at 9:57 am
All of this! I wish I had read this a year ago. My husband died suddenly in his sleep while we were on vacation. I woke up to what I thought was snoring but in reality he was gasping for air. Talk about guilt! I was hitting him telling him to roll over and by the time I realized what was going on it was too late.
We had just retired and had so many plans. We had just moved to a new state and a new community. My support system was no longer across the street. The grief was overwhelming. There were many times I felt I was sinking into a dark hole and couldn’t climb out. I was so angry at everything. I blogged about it on FB to my friends about my new normal of navigating being a widow and that helped. Believe it or not humor helped a lot.
One thing that didn’t help me was when God was brought into the mix. I know this person meant well, but when she said God was done with him and that’s why he died, I was speechless. So not everyone believes in God and saying things like this, or it was Gods way, God wanted him home, just doesn’t make the person feel any better.
I’m on my second year on my new normal and I’m finding the holidays this year a little tougher. I think the first year you are on autopilot pilot and the second is when reality sets in. Grief is a fickle bitch. You just never know when she will show up!
IsabelleS December 14, 2020 at 11:30 am
Barb, I’m so very sorry for your loss. I hear that you feel guilty about how your husband died. This is completely normal and okay. You may want to check out this article: https://whatsyourgrief.com/guilt-and-grief-2/ Allow yourself to feel guilty (and any other feelings), while at the same time knowing you could not have prevented his death. As far as religion goes, everyone has a different relationship with faith. I completely understand how what was said to you felt invalidating! I recommend you check out this post: https://whatsyourgrief.com/grief-and-faith-grief-belief/ All the best to you!
Lin December 11, 2020 at 10:49 pm
This really helped me. I am going through the loss of my best friend and I’ve never lost someone this close to me. I’m confused and in pain but some of these made me feel a little okay about some feelings I’ve been having.
Jessica December 8, 2020 at 3:39 pm
Grief is different. Each loss you experience can trigger a different grief process. Losing my mom was/is drastically different then any other loss I have experienced and most of my family is gone, a lot of friends and coworkers, and it covers every way you could possibly die. Still none of them even remotely prepared me for the hell I have experienced since my mom’s murder. Emotions, rage, being homicidal for a bit, regret, and just sheer amount of pain, loss, abandonment. None of this was part of my grief with anyone else.
IsabelleS December 14, 2020 at 12:15 pm
Jessica, you’re so right that grief is different for each and every loss. No two losses are accompanied by the same grief response. I cannot begin to understand the pain you have endured. If you continue to have thoughts of hurting yourself or others, I recommend you reach out to a therapist trained in grief. You can find one here: https://grief.com/grief-counselor-directory/ All the best to you!
Marlin December 22, 2020 at 10:40 pm
Hi there Jessica, Hi everyone
Thanks for sharing. I lost my husband just recently, 29th Oct.2020. We were married for 24 years. It was a sudden death. He was my soulmate. My everything. We have 3 daughters. I am on auto-mode since he passed away and I have been trying hard to suppress my grieve and emotions so that I don’t make my family worry about me. Today I woke up and I just feel tired and jaded and I just want to show I am not ok. Tired of holding it all in.
IsabelleS December 23, 2020 at 11:31 am
Marlin, I’m so sorry for your loss. Please know that the desire to suppress your grief and emotions is very normal. I hope this website/community helps show you that, no matter what, you’re not alone. I recommend you check out these articles: https://whatsyourgrief.com/grieving-death-spouse-significant/ and https://whatsyourgrief.com/what-does-grief-feel-like/ All the best to you.
Gerald James Avila December 2, 2020 at 7:55 pm
Love this content Litsa!
Grief is such a painful process. Sometimes, your feelings and pain can become overwhelming enough to affect you and your life.
You may also read my blog on Ways to Cope with Grief and Loss
Hope this will help…
Mario November 28, 2020 at 8:25 pm
I lost my beautiful kind generous mother to a sudden unexpected illness. It shocked everyone. It’s been 30 days. I cry daily. I came across a poem titled ‘ I heard your voice in the wind today ‘ the title made my heart bleed and it’s bleeding still. Everything reminds me of her. Her relatives and friends call to inquire and offer condolences which makes me break down. What hurts most is the fact that I also lost my best friend and my truest ally. The unconditional love of a mother will never be matched. She was sick but when I was despondent she would always say “ things won’t stay the same “ when I was upset and quiet she would complain “ why don’t you talk “ My heart bleeds. I’ve often wished to die to be with her. I find I don’t care about many things I used to care before. My friends who’ve been through losses tell me it gets better and I trust they will but I’m a broken man at present. In a haze and lost in an ocean of grief and sorrow. I feel she left too soon and I know everyone who’s lost a loved one feels same. Thank you for listening and thank you all for sharing your feelings. May God be with us all.
IsabelleS November 30, 2020 at 11:08 am
Mario, I’m so very sorry for your loss. Your mother sounds like an incredible woman. I imagine it’s hard and somewhat invalidating to hear your friends say that it will get better. Regardless of if this is true, your immense pain and feelings of being broken are valid and okay. Thank you for taking the time to comment. I hope this website/community shows you that you’re not alone in this. Best of luck.
Maggie Kuhn November 19, 2020 at 10:46 am
“Let me know what I can do to help” is a very unhelpful thing for a person to say to someone who is newly grieving the loss of a loved one. The person who is grieving has no idea what they need. They just want their loved one back. Can you help with that?? If not, bring food, offer to book a massage, invite the grieving person over, suggest you go for a walk together, send them a book on grieving, offer to go to the cemetery together (if buried), text them regularly to check in. DO something, anything other than offer the lame and unhelpful, “Let me know what I can do to help.”
M November 16, 2020 at 11:32 pm
my dad died when i was 9 and I always kind of knew i didn’t cope with it entirely like my family just kind of suffered in private and didn’t really talk to each other about it. the extreme suffering and sadness kind of comes and goes. i’m 22 now and i just wish i had my dad
Tom January 9, 2021 at 5:56 pm
M
My heart goes out to you. Keep on loving your dad and tell him things you’re feeling just like if he was alive.
My dad also died when I was 9…I’m 61 now and miss him so much. I’m a father of 5 and had a great life, but I’m so sad I was alone as a kid after he died, that we didn’t get to do things together. He just was gone and that made me close me heart.
Please get help to make sure you don’t close your heart like I did. 9 is such a tough time to lose your dad.
Tom
K C October 31, 2020 at 11:33 pm
My Granny passed in June 2020 of alzheimer’s. She was my world. She passed knowing things about me no one else will ever know. She was a wife, mom, granny, great gma, cousin, aunt and friend. She was the most amazing person I have ever met. I’m angry/sad I won’t have any new experiences with her. I’m angry/sad she won’t see her great grandchild graduate high school. I’m devastated I can’t talk to her again?
Alexandra December 12, 2020 at 9:46 am
Grateful to have come across this list, my beautiful Father died 3 months ago and it’s broken my heart so deeply.
Another thing I would add to this list is to allow yourself to cry, scream, rage, make sound, move your body and really allow the emotion to move and express through your body. This helps the energy to not get stuck inside the body. Let it move through your heart without resistance.
I find when I really stop resisting the deep pain I feel, the grief can nearly feel dare I say blissful.
We have to teach ourselves to cry because it is conditioned out of us but it is through this unfiltered expression that we can alchemise the pain into love.
Also, make sure you are having physical connection, cuddles & co regulation to support your nervous system.
Sending love xo
IsabelleS December 14, 2020 at 12:09 pm
Alexandra, I’m so sorry for your loss and for the pain you are being made to endure. I completely agree with everything you’ve said: We must allow ourselves to feel and express each and every emotion during the grieving process. Society encourages people to keep emotions hidden, but it is much healthier to let them out. All the best to you!
Joy October 20, 2020 at 11:00 pm
I wish someone told me that grief causes physical pain. My sister was murdered by her husband on October 6 just before he took his own life. My mother and I are just destroyed. It doesn’t feel real sometimes. I feel like I can’t breathe and my chest actually hurts sometimes. Grief is painful. I know that someday I will learn to live with the pain of my little sister not being with us anymore but only being barely two weeks out, it doesn’t look like it will be anytime soon.
K October 22, 2020 at 3:10 pm
Joy, my heart goes out to you and your mother. I lost my mother very suddenly, completely out of the blue and the physical pain was unimaginable. I cannot fathom how hard it must be in your circumstances. I see your pain and I wish you weren’t going through it. X
Racheal October 28, 2020 at 6:08 am
I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my best friend of 34 years on October 7th 2020. She was more a sister to me and left two girls aged 1 and almost 3. She died suddenly of heart failure due to an undiagnosed genetic heart condition. The pain is unbearable. Thinking of you x
Lisa RIVARD November 3, 2020 at 2:01 pm
Joy, I think you are suffering from trauma and PTSD besides the obvious grief. Trauma hurts, physically. Make sure to take care of yourself and reach out for help. Your mom as well. I’m so very sorry for your tremendous loss.
April November 12, 2020 at 1:16 pm
I lost my mom to ovarian cancer in February, and I still feel broken. I have nothing to add to this list but I will say that it feels like a nightmare I can’t wake up from. A ride I would like to get off of, but I’m stuck on. I am so done with being sad, and feeling at times so overwhelmed with grief and anger that’s she’s gone, with feelings of how unfair it was for her to have to suffer the way she did, struggling with any kind of faith I have left, feeling very selfish and self centered…..I just want it all to stop! But, I know it isn’t just going to go, and no matter what, I have to keep going pushing through it. The holidays are coming up. Our first without her. Usually I would be blasting Christmas music Nov. 1st, anxious to put up my tree….all the stuff. But I’m just not. Honestly if we didn’t even have Thanksgiving dinner I wouldn’t be upset about it. Well, maybe later I would be, but right now I just feel like I couldn’t care less about it all. And I hate feeling that way! Anyway, that’s it. To anyone reading this, I am so sorry you are having to walk through the loss of someone you loved. I feel you…it sucks. Big hugs to you.
Sandra Kanczuzewski October 20, 2020 at 8:14 pm
My daughter February 6,2018, & my mother died March 5, 2018. I’m not sure if I’ve even begun grieving my mom yet. The loss of my daughter takes my breath away every morning the moment I wake & remember. The pandemic has brought back so many memories. My daughter was born with a very rare syndrome that left severely disabled. She was completely dependent for all her needs, also blind & had 3-6 seizures daily. Of course had her at home she was ours & even though it was hard I’m thankful she was born into our family. She no longer suffers. My heart just aches.
Mary October 4, 2020 at 11:13 pm
‘The practice of sending thank you notes after a funeral is a cruel and unusual tradition.’
Indeed. I was raised to ALWAYS write thank you cards. Teaching my kids the same. My husband has been gone 6 months, buried for 3… I sent about 1/3 of Thank You cards.. I HATE writing them. Feels ‘fake’ to me, not my words. Bc I want to say Thank you for acknowledging that this really effing sucks. I am very greatful for those who celebrated his life with us!
Someone told me that there’s no such thing as tardy TYs post funeral.. I will send them eventually..
Lisa RIVARD November 3, 2020 at 2:04 pm
My husband passed suddenly and without warning in his sleep on Dec 16, 2018. His funeral was 5 days before Christmas. If anyone that attended his funeral or sent flowers is talking shit about me because I never sent a Thank you card? Fuck them.
Maggie Kuhn November 19, 2020 at 10:50 am
My middle son, Michael, age 23, was killed in a car crash July 5, 2020. I have not written a single thank you note. I still haven’t even opened some of the cards people sent. It is too painful. I am hoping people give me grace for being very tardy with thank you notes. I hope to write them before the holidays so its not hanging over me, but I can’t bring myself to get started.
M.Kateouras September 17, 2020 at 6:44 pm
I lost my father on June 26th, 2020 and then my mother directly after on July 31st, 2020. They were divorced most of my life and both had bad health. I was closer to my Dad than my Mom, and having regrets of the past and depression grief is really just killing me right now. Especially the circumstances surrounding their final days. My Grandmother lost a son, and my brother and sister lost their mother (we are half siblings), and I lost both parents the same year and within a month of each other. I lost my uncle in November of 2019. They family of course was shitty with him leading up to his death and then things surrounding my Dad and Mom’s death just really makes me regret life and want to hide and never leave my room. I know that eventually this will pass and I feel awful for feeling these things, and it has only been 2 months and I feel guilty I have grieved even this long.
Leanne October 5, 2020 at 10:12 pm
Came across this article during another sleepless night. I lost my dad 4 months ago. I am completely broken. I turned 30 a month ago and feel I have aged a decade with all the sleepless nights and tears. This article couldn’t be more relatable, though – it’s nice to know that all the things I’m experiencing are normal, and I’m not not going crazy after all.
People keep telling me that I’ll learn to cope with it and time is a great healer. But honestly, I don’t think I’ll ever learn to cope. My dad was my best friend. Only 19 when I was born, acquired full custody of me when I was 3 – to say we’ve been through a lot is an understatement.
We had a very special bond, so when he was diagnosed with Motor Neurone Disease in June 2018, my World literally shattered around me. I became obsessed with sorting out his care plan instead of focusing on the here and now, making the most of the time we had – and just being present. I was consumed with fear. Fearing his deterioration, how he’d cope, how we’d cope as a family; and then fearing a future without him. Mentally, I was very unwell, yet I managed to hold it together for two years as I watched the person who gave me life, love, and laughter fade before me. It was brutal; he didn’t deserve this. At 47, still with an entire future ahead of him. Just why? I have asked this every day. Yet, my dad, managed to smile and laugh his way through his diagnosis. I can count on one hand the number of times he was visibly frustrated or angry. He was such a courageous man, I admire him for his strength and bravery throughout.
Nothing and no one will ever be able to heal the pain I now feel without him. It’s a void that can never be refilled, and that’s why I honestly don’t know how to answer people when they tell me that I’ll just ‘learn to cope with it in time.’ How? Just how? Every night when I hit the pillow, I recount the final 4 hours I shared with him. All I can see is him dying. And it has broken me. I’m grateful that I was with him as it was a very precious time spending those last hours together. Devastating, but at the same time, extremely precious. Death frightened me before and even more so now. I just hope I can be with him again one day. That’s the only thing that gets me through my days at the moment. Other than that, I’m literally existing. Which is very miserable. And very, very lonely. I do have a wonderful partner and I’m very thankful for the support I’ve received from family and friends, but nothing has made any of this easier. I feel like I’m dying on the inside a little more each day. It doesn’t feel like it’s getting easier. And it doesn’t feel like it ever will. Being without my dad has completely changed me; broken my heart and my mind, and taken me to a dark place that I feel I’ll never return from. Grief is a pain like no other; it’s more like an illness with all the symptoms you experience. And right now, it really does feel incurable. 🙁
K October 22, 2020 at 2:43 pm
Leanne, how are you doing? I just wanted to say that know the wrenching pain that you describe. My mother was my soul mate, I had no idea how I would live without her when she passed. I am a similar age to you, I was supposed to have so many more years with her. Every version I saw on the future had her in it, whether that was helping me choose a wedding dress or meeting my future children.
I am a year further down the line from you in terms of grief. Something that felt impossible at the time. I know grief is different in terms of everyone but it you want to ask questions or need to talk, just shout. X
Thomas P September 4, 2021 at 9:19 pm
Hi Leanne,
You are such a strong person, thank you for the courage to share with everyone. <3
Laurie August 30, 2020 at 5:44 am
65. I find it surprising and cruel that noone tells you how little the heart ache and loneliness changes after a year.
66. Did that last one sound a bit angry? That survived a year too.
67. Don’t grieve, anything you lose comes round in another form. – Rumi
Ki87 August 28, 2020 at 10:18 pm
I lost my 33 year old son this year. He killed himself by suspension hanging and I found him on the night of the 22nd April, in his garage. I witnessed my worst nightmare, seeing my beloved beautiful boy, dead in front of me. I couldn’t save him, it was too late. I am haunted by that sight and it is on my mind all the time. It was dark that night and I had to find the switch in the garage, I was already terrified of what I was going to find, but when that light came on my whole world ended right there, in that moment. I can’t bear to think he is dead, although I know it’s true. My brain can’t process the reality. I can’t stop thinking about him and what he went through to die. My heart hurts in a physical way, not just an emotion. I cry for him every day and miss him so much. I can’t bear the thought of never seeing him again and would rather be dead than live with this grief. It is debilitating. There is no hope of ever getting over it. I yearn for him to be back, to turn the clock back and been able to save him. I don’t function normally and try to keep my feelings to myself, so that my other family don’t worry about me.
But, I’m not okay, I can’t be okay. I constantly think of ways to die that won’t be as traumatic as my son’s, I can’t do that to them. So I’m always thinking of other ways. Don’t get me wrong, I love life, my family and my other two sons. You expect you are going to outlive your kids, this is an unnatural order of things. As much as I love them all, I can’t stop thinking of my own death and how to get out of here and be with Dean, for eternity. It doesn’t seem right that he’s in the ground and I’m tending his grave and not spending time with him. I feel bereft, full of guilt and regrets, that I couldn’t do more, didn’t believe this could happen or realise he felt that low. I can’t see life getting any better or time healing my broken heart. I get no pleasure in anything and don’t want to go out. The only thing that forces me out, most days is my dog. I could slump on the sofa, mindlessly watching TV all day. I can’t be bothered with myself or cleaning the house. It all seems pointless. I’m sick of pretending I’m okay. I feel like I’m having a nervous breakdown. I am not me anymore. I wish my son had known how much he was loved, wanted and that he meant more than life to me. I wish for many things that can never happen. I want to believe there is a spirit world and he is still with me, but I’m not sure I can believe. It’s final, it’s painful, it’s irrevocable and never ending. I can’t work and I’m getting in a mess financially, but I don’t care anymore. Nothing matters now. I just wait for my death to come and take me away from the pain.
I have PTSD, deep sadness, anxiety and my heart hurts so much. How do you get through this? He left two children, 9 and 11. How could he do that? What possessed him to do it? He had a break up with his girlfriend a couple of weeks before, she left him during lockdown, left him alone and isolated. I broke the ‘RULES’ and kept going to visit him, keeping in touch with him everyday. I was with him the night before, we made plans for the weekend. I had no inkling when he dropped me off at home, that would be the last time I would see him alive. The shock and trauma of finding him dead has caused me, what I can only describe as brain damage. An irrevocable damage that time won’t heal. I go to bed with one of his old tops, just to keep something that smells of him near me. I am scared of the dark and need a night light now, before, I couldn’t bear the slightest chink of light. I’m scared to open doors into rooms that are in darkness and this just goes on and on. I think I’ve been getting worse with my thoughts and feelings, rather than any better. That is worrying, because I know I simply can’t keep living if it just gets worse. Oh why, why did he do it? I wish for him to come to me, to tell me why and whether he really intended to go the whole way, or if he couldn’t stop it. I have these thoughts because his fingers were in the rope as if he was trying to get it looser. He might have passed out in 20 seconds and then he couldn’t stop it. I have so many questions and will never know the answers. I do believe if he had known the anguish and despair he would cause to the family, but especially me, the one that loved him before he was born and bore him safely into this world and loved him unconditionally, he would never have done it. So, I can’t think he even thought about the aftermath of his actions and if he did it over the girl that left him, that breaks my heart even more. He could have got through that, I would have helped him with anything. I just can’t bear him being in such a dark place, on his own and he must have been scared, it’s such a hard thing to do. God bless you my son, I love you and always will and I cannot wait for the day they lay me down beside you and we are together for eternity.
I wish I’d known just how bad the pain would be and how my life would become so meaningless, before I knew this type of complicated grief. It makes you want to die.
Litsa August 29, 2020 at 6:24 pm
I am so sorry for the unimaginable and unbearable loss you are going through. Please know that your life here is still important and has meaning, just as your son’s did. You describe so many things that people feel in grief – feeling like you have lost yourself and are going crazy. Talking to a therapist or going to a group for others who have lost a child or a loved one to suicide may be a big help in giving you a space to be fully open and honest with your suffering. It is absolutely okay that you are not doing okay and it is important you can share that. If you look on grief.com there is a listing of grief therapists by state. The compassionate friends is also a peer support group for parents who have lost children. If you are thinking of hurting yourself, or even if you just need someone to talk with, please call the national suicide helpline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit their website where you can do a live online chat https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Loreen September 10, 2020 at 10:33 pm
Don’t give up. Just hang on. There’s still good in this world despite how impossibly hard it is to see. It is there. It’s in those two beautiful grandchildren. Remember the good things. Remember the love. Just don’t give up.
Manouk September 16, 2020 at 5:47 pm
I can’t even imagine how it feels for you, how it is to be you. To have to experience that, I don’t even know the words for it or what to say to make it feel ‘better’. I am so sorry for your loss and what you are going trough. I really hope you can find the strength to move on. To be there for your other sons and find meaning in a way which gives life purpose again and I wish for you to have people around you who are there for you.
No one would have to experience that and I am sorry that you did.. just, please don’t blame yourself. Whichever reasons he had and felt to not share his pain with you, you wern’t in the wrong to trust him that all was alright. It isn’t your fault.
Take care and if you need to talk anything off or feel like you don’t know where to go with it, feel free to express everything here. I am not sure what else to say.. take care.
M.Kateouras September 17, 2020 at 6:40 pm
I am so sorry for your loss and experience. I know how it feels to have random people say sorry for the loss of someone they never knew or never knowing you. But I really mean it. I hope that you find comfort and love from loved ones near you or friends. May God bless you richly .
Poppy October 1, 2020 at 12:02 pm
I just wanted to say that I am so so sorry for the pain you are going through, and I really hope that you get the help that you need to get through this time, whether that be friends and family or mental health professionals. I can’t imagine how terrible this must be, but you truly deserve to be happy, and even through it can feel impossible and is a slow process, you’re strong enough to survive. Again, I am so sorry and I pray that things will get better and you will get through this.
Aten84 October 10, 2020 at 6:55 pm
I am so so sorry to read your comment I am here because my brother died in his sleep 7 weeks ago he was absolutely fine and just didn’t wake up we were so so very close and spoke every day and spent most weekends together so right now I feel like I just don’t want to carry on with life and feel so guilty that I am here and he is not. I cannot imagine what you must be going through but all I can say is I had my baby boy 7 weeks before my brother passed and he is an angel from God to keep me here right now and you have your other children and family who will need you too. I can’t wait to be with my brother again but I know for now he is watching me and will want me to have a good life before joining him and your son would want the same for you too. Please take care of yourself xx
Hannah Smith November 3, 2020 at 9:29 pm
Hi, my son passed away at the age of 21 a year ago. I too describe it like having a head injury. My brain just can’t function like a normal brain anymore. There isn’t enough space inside of it anymore and there is so much noise that I can’t get rid of. I used to be a college professor and now my sentences barely make sense when I speak out loud. I pray for a disease to take my life prematurely. There is no medication that can take this mental and physical pain away. It’s crippling and unbearable.
Maria July 10, 2021 at 5:46 am
I am very sorry for your loss and I hope that God (I’m not sure if you want to hear anything about him as I sometimes do) fills your heart with the strength to keep going. Your other kids will be devastated without you. I can’t help but to feel deeply related to your story because I am suffering the loss of my husband who died at home while I did nothing to help and everyday and night I’m hunted by guilt.
I’m also suffering with PTSD because I found his cold ridged body, dry blood coming out of his nose. When I found him he have been dead for several hours. It happened during the day, he worked nights and that Friday he went to sleep around midday and I found him at 9:00 pm because I went to wake him up so he could get ready for work. It was a horrific scene, one I play in my mind over and over. He was only 42 and I feel that he was snatched from us, our six year old daughter misses him so much and it makes my pain worse because I feel helpless at times.
He had health issues and I feel like I failed him. Everyday I ask myself what would’ve happened if I go into that room earlier just to check on him.
I’m sending you a big hug. Please know that you are not alone.
Heather August 14, 2020 at 12:46 am
After you experience loss, you realize that there are two kinds of people. The “befores” and the “afters.” The befores have never experienced deep grief of death of someone close. They think they understand, but they don’t. They are the ones that will try to “cheer you up” and look for you to be “over it” quickly. Life still seems limitless to them, and they still feel somewhat as if it goes on forever. The afters, are the ones that will sit next to you. They will just be. The afters feel their own loss and mortality. You are a different person after a serious loss. And you are a different person in dealing with other people. We can’t blame the befores. They will be with us someday. But it sure is hard to deal with them sometimes.
Mary August 13, 2020 at 7:11 am
I lost my father 25 years ago, I was only 22, it was sudden and he had never been ill. The night he passed was traumatic for me. 20 years later I was diagnosed with a form of PTSD.
5 years after my dad passed my mum’s health deteriorated. Then for 20 years we have had numerous health scares, actually said good yet to her 10 years ago follow a brain bleed but she survived and lived for another 11 years. So, for 20 years I anticipated and feared her death, feared not being able to stay with her at that moment. About 18 months before she passed I had a breakthrough with a counsellor, my fear wasn’t her death but her leaving me as well, I had unresolved grief because the final piece of the puzzle should have been the event of her death. Due to her health issues I missed her just getting old and frail, I fought with her and for her for so long but you cannot night aging.
Nearly 12 months ago she finally stopped fighting and left us, after 20 years her death came suddenly And unexpectedly following a fractured hip (second time in a year different leg!). Within 36 hours of her fall she was gone. We always said what we wanted and needed, and we told her often that if dad came for her she was to take his hand and go with him. Her death was so peaceful, so many loved ones were there with us. I did it, I held her hand, talked to her, stroked her face and I let her go.
I thought I was going ok. I did all the practical things, cried a lot, funeral was beautiful, then all the firsts start and the feelings don’t come out how you expect. I experience anxiety attacks, my pain sits in the middle of my chest and I keep fearing attacks, then the Pandemic crisis hit, and we have had the fear of god put into us! I have spent 5 months living in fear, with huge anxiety. Now things are settling down I am still left with this anxiety, but the year anniversary is rapidly approaching and I don’t feel like I have lived 12 months without her. I am not ready for that milestone.
But what I have learned recently is this isn’t anxiety, it’s grief and it is only now having the chance to process properly and it hurts like hell. But I know I have to feel it, to heal it, so I am riding the waves and my beautiful family are supporting me. I known Now I thought once the pain stops I would think less of myself and my love for her but that just simply isn’t true, after 25 years I love my dad and think so much about him so I know how this works, I just thought somehow I would bypass the pain because it was her time. It was her time and she is at peace, but this bit for me has to be let in, and I will. Which is how I found this page, because this isn’t anxiety it is grief.
Cathy August 19, 2020 at 7:30 pm
Hi mary i totally get how you feel and its nice to no somebody feels the same i just lost my sister 9 months ago suddenly i was having a cup of tea with her and she didn’t seem well so i called the next day to see how she was to find her been resutated and she was pronounced dead she was ondly 48 and 5 years previous i called again for a cup of tea where we fou d her so dead apparently both of them had phenomena i think it was cova with my sister and my story goes on 10 years previous my brother was killed in a car crash and 9 months later my mum died now my dad 9months after my sister this week we have been told he has an anarisim and needs an opp asap as its a time bomb im so scared and the pain of it all is so hard and people can be difficult when trying to support iv been told you need to get on with it because you will b in an early grave i mean im just supposed to smile and move on its so hard i feel exactly what you feel the panic the fear and so nervous its so hard this is tbe first time iv ever commented on line im hopeing somebody can understand
K September 3, 2020 at 7:41 am
Cathy, you have been through so much, I just wanted to see how you’re doing? No one can tell you how to feel, I know it comes from a place of concern and love – they want you to be ok. But I too have experienced sudden loss and the shock, let alone the grief, is debilitating. Sending you a hug.
Nina September 26, 2020 at 9:24 pm
Mary,
I share the history of your mother being sick many times and you thinking she was going to die each time. It is hard
to explain to people because it can sound unbelievable. People don’t understand. They think that it should be easy for you, as you went thru the near death episodes. They are wrong.
I wish I had something to say to comfort you. I was just so stunned to hear someone with such a similar story as mine.
Cat August 12, 2020 at 9:53 pm
I lost my boyfriend about 2 weeks ago and I don’t think I’m going to be okay ever again. I’ve been in relationships before but this was different. He was my best friend, my soulmate, my everything. Even though we had such a short time together those were the best days of my life. I don’t want to be here. I feel numb. I cry everyday until I can’t breathe then do it all over again. He wasn’t suppose to die. He did everything right and yet was always trying to be better. It’s not fair that a senseless act took him away from me and his family. My heart physically hurts. I don’t eat, sleep or get out of bed. I think about him all the time. I read our old messages, look at pictures and still go onto his social media pages. The funeral is this weekend and I know have to be there but I don’t want to go. Going makes everything I’m feeling real and I don’t want that. He made me a better person and now I just feel empty and defeated. I’m not okay, I don’t want to be here but killing my self will only bring more pain to my family. He would be very mad at me if I chose the easy way out so I won’t do it despite how badly I want to be with him again. Everyday since the incident I wish it was me instead of him. He’s so much stronger than me… I can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I can’t help but feel like if I had done something different that I wouldn’t have to be writing this message right now. We lost him the day before his birthday, I had so many surprises for him. I’ve never cared about someone so much before and when I finally got the chance to experience true love he was taken from me. I don’t think I’ll be happy ever again. I wish everyone would stop asking me if I’m okay. I’m not and don’t want to be okay if he’s not here.
Lou c September 11, 2020 at 7:30 pm
Cat, honey! I’m so sorry for the loss of your dear beloved. I pray for you. Sending you love.
Minerva October 12, 2020 at 6:08 pm
Cat , I understand exactly how your feeling ,I lost my husband of 40 years on August 2,2020 and you described exactly how I feel I wake up crying I go to bed crying , I wake up in the middle of the night crying ,can’t eat I’ve lost 25 lbs , I feel numb, lost, guilty, angry, etc , I don’t think I’ll ever get over this pain ,I also want things to go back the way they were , but we both know that’s never going to happen , praying for everyone
Cat November 27, 2020 at 12:52 pm
Hi Minerva. I’m so sorry for your loss. I can only hope that your getting stronger with each day. Always praying for you
D'Ambra December 1, 2020 at 2:19 pm
Cat, I am in the same exact boat you are. I lost my soulmate, my best friend, my love, November 7th 2020. This is beyond anything I could ever imagine. He died about 14 months after being diagnosed with terminal brain cancer. I thought I was somewhat prepared, think again. Going on with life without him is beyond comprehension. My heart is with you.
Jeanette Winslow July 27, 2020 at 3:23 pm
You have a giant hole in your heart that will never go away.
Linda June 15, 2020 at 7:47 pm
People tell you things are going to be OK. They probably will, but even then they will never be the same.
L June 14, 2020 at 3:07 am
i lost one of my closest friends to suicide about 10 months ago. i still think about him everyday and miss him just the same; one quote that a counsellor told me that helped describe my grief was “grief is like a hole, it never changes it shape but your life around it grows”. he was young, was to be 18 that year. i had to put down my youngest rabbit due to cancer about 5-6 months after my friend passed away. two different types of grief but they still hurt the same. you definitely are never prepared for the aftermath of death.
Nicole June 11, 2020 at 11:47 pm
I just lost my mom on May 21, 2020 to a very short battle with ALS. She was my best friend. We lived together , worked together and spent almost all of our time together. She was only 61. I’m so angry that she’s gone. We had so much to do still. We’d never even been on a vacation together. There were still so many memories to be made, laughs to be had, hugs and kisses to be shared. I quit my job to become her caregiver and we thought we at least had all summer together (her favourite season). We’d just had a ramp built so I could take her outside. She was supposed to see me start nursing school in September and suddenly in the space of 3 weeks she declined so fast. She went into a delirium, extreme pain and then as her POA I had to make the decision to give her a sedated peaceful passing at home. Now the house feels empty. Everything feels wrong. I want to scream all the time and smash things but it scares my partner so I don’t . My brother is mad at me (actually said some pretty nasty things to me and we’ve never even really ever fought before and took off) because my mom and I were joint tenants on the house so now it’s mine (even though I told him he always has a place to live). We have to sell her Jeep (which she worked so hard for) to pay off her debts. Everything is just falling apart around me and I feel like I’m failing everyone and can’t fix anything and I just miss my mom so damn much. She’d know what to do, she always did, but now she’s gone and I’m so lost ?
Joseph Chavarria June 12, 2020 at 2:27 pm
I’ve never really commented on one of these before, but if it helps, I offer a small helpful statement a compassionate professor once told me, which was to just “do the next right thing.” If the next right thing is sleep, or a hot shower, or a run, or a cry session. Then those are great places to start. If a sale has to take place, or the water bill needs to be paid, or a doctor’s appointment is pending, and you have the strength for that day, then those are also good “right” things. My mother’s death at age 46 left me reeling inside, but I was next-of-kin at 23, and the choices I had to make hurt people tremendously, but there was no stopping that pain, the choices, just like there was no stopping her death. And hurt people , very often, hurt people. Life can only fall apart so much, and having lost your close friend and Mother, I wouldn’t be surprised if some of the stressful items on your to-do list just get crossed off without getting done because you simply have got a new set of priorities that day. For me, a point came when I was done feeling grief AND guilt for the living. Giving myself time and space to acquaint myself with my mother all over again, this time in my memories, my heart, gave me the moments I needed to do….everything. I offer this with sincere hope you’ll feel peace soon, and perhaps smile, maybe laugh maniacally. Grief is ruthless, and so are we. May your grief empower you towards healing and decisive forward motion.
Darlene Miller September 2, 2020 at 11:11 am
Joseph, your comments are so kind and heartfelt. Expressing one to grieve in their on way and time.
Tess February 15, 2021 at 10:30 pm
Joseph- thank you. Do the next right thing makes sense. You helped me. Thank you.
Alexandra Solomon May 7, 2020 at 7:31 am
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Rose May 6, 2020 at 10:56 am
My dad had me as his next of kin as I was the only one who was there for him and knew his wishes if it should ever come to that. When we had that conversation dad knew I would do everything he wanted and I was happy that he was comforted. The reality of that situation is hands down more HORRIBLE than anyone could ever imagine. I got a call out of the blue from a doctor asking me if they should put my dad on life support after he was rushed to hospital in cardiac arrest. I said yes and drove the 7 hours to be by his side. The next 4 days are a blur where I had to make so many choices without any support and praying for my dad to get better at least to wake up and speak with me. Then on the 5th day when his organs began shutting down i knew what i had to do – what he wanted me to do. So I signed the paperwork and lay beside him holding his hand with my head on his chest while they turned of his life support. I was alone and couldn’t bring myself to leave him. I couldn’t stop the rivers of tears. It was the day of his funeral after it was finished and I was alone in his home when my nightmare began. See my dad had a heartbeat and then I signed some forms and he was dead. I know that I did the right thing and would do it again but my mind has me feeling like I killed my dad.
I have been diagnosed with PTSD and wouldn’t wish this on anyone.
So please if you are reading this then please make 2 people in charge of your end of life choices. Even if you think or they say they can handle it- trust me it is too much for 1 person to take on
Nina September 26, 2020 at 10:33 pm
Rose,
It sounds like you made the best decision if his organs already were shutting down. Also, you took care of him by yourself. He was very fortunate to have had such a wonderful caregiver.
Tammy Dewberry May 1, 2020 at 3:28 am
I lost my husband 6 weeks ago after 33 years. We found out 10 days before he died that he had metastatic pancreatic cancer. We spent many of the last 10 years fighting various unrelated medical issues. This article and the accompanying comments have been very helpful. I feel like I failed him because this cancer snuck up on us after I spent more than a decade fighting for him and his overall health. Most of his last 2 years were pretty good, though. I miss him so much and have so many regrets, especially in the last week or so of his life. I don’t think any of us expected it would happen so fast and I was working hard to prepare for a long fight instead of focusing on you in the moment. I found this post while wondering if my feelings are normal or not. I’ve never been through anything so hard in a life full of hard things. The only thing I would add to this is to keep the traditions your created with your loved one. They lend structure and stability to a life gone crazy and can ground you. I learned that in other trials years ago and only hope it will help me now.
Julie April 12, 2020 at 11:50 pm
I lost my mother to cancer 15 years ago. It was difficult for awhile and emotional. But, a year and a half ago my daughter of 42 years was murdered and I have found this an experience on a level with not much support. It’s just too far off the grid for myself and others. I truly feel as if I have died myself and can not locate myself. I at times feel totally blank and void of any kind of emotion connecting me to life. I go through my days on auto pilot just doing daily life but can only do that for a short time. At some point its as if I’m thrown into a river of rapids and I am swept into a swirl of emotions that I am unable to navigate in. It seems way over my head and I’m drowning with no one to help me. It’s true not all grief is the same and what makes it worse is a society who is very uncomfortable with tragedy and death and avoidance is what happens.
Perhaps if I were in a larger city where more murders happen there would be a support group but where I am there is not.
Florrie April 10, 2020 at 2:07 am
Hmm. Subject for a article for sure but. Here
they are 16mm f/1.4 23mm f/1.4 35mm f/2 56mm f/1.2 18-55 f/2.8-4.0 50-140 f/2.8.
Contemplating the 80mm macro and the 90mm which is, by far, the best lens they make.
Cheers
kim April 5, 2020 at 2:40 am
I lost my mom-best friend in 2001 and my son 2018 and now my husband has stage 3 throat cancer I feel myself pushing away from him don’t get me wrong im there for him I just don’t show him the love I use to like I cant wait unti he fall asleep so I can relax why and how can I feel this way I love him I need to turn my feelings again .help
Jacqueline Darby April 3, 2020 at 5:33 am
I lost my mother 23 years ago, we fell out the year before as a family. My sister left it 2 days before contacting me that my mother was in intensive care on a ventilator. When I got there I was told me my mother had been asking for me and my sister knew that. I never got the chance to talk to my mother or say goodbye. It has haunted me every since. As for my father he treated the whole thing as a great piece of theater revealing in the attention the ‘glory of the bereaved husband’ all a lie. He couldn’t wait to get his hands on my mothers money and went on a massive spending spree. The funeral was awful and I vowed to walk away from my sister and father he died 20 years later alone. The thing I find so hard is letting go of the anger I still feel, how much it still hurts when I think of my mother. I barely cried when my father died I found out weeks after his death that he was dead. He got what he deserved and I think my sister will too as all her children have been rejected by her for various reasons. I think we all suffer because of what they did and I wonder if any of us will ever heal as a family. I am 64 now and just can’t let go of the pain and anger and just wish I knew how. There is so much resent in the family I wish I had a magic wand for all of them.
mya March 24, 2020 at 10:51 pm
i lost my bestfriend and boyfriend a month ago on the 15th. every single day is a different battle. he was 16, and i know people say that i dont know what love is but i did. i loved that kid with everything in me. everyone tells me that god has a plan for everything. i just think he was in the wrong car, with the wrong people, at the wrong time. because of one selfish person my whole heart was ripped away from me. i still text him and call his number almost forgetting. im ready to be okay. but i never will be okay again and i have to get past that.
Zoe Campos March 24, 2020 at 7:15 pm
I wish I had read your article before my grandfather passed away. We were very close since my siblings and I grew up in our grandparents’ house and although we settled everything before his death, the part where you mentioned that one can never be really prepared for the loss and grief they’ll be experiencing is really true. We even joked about having his headstone custom-engraved, but the moment I see him in his casket really broke me. I hope our family recovers from our loss in due time.
Molly March 15, 2020 at 12:05 am
To all the people who shared their grief, I stand along side with you, as I also have lost a handful of loved ones in my life…to all the people who have shared their grief in relation to losses in their life, not one’s passing necessarily, but rather a broken relationship, etc, I commend you for being courageous enough to speak out…to all the other people whose comments were in annoyance about these losses, and said these people’s comments are not suitable for this forum, shame shame shame…who are you to determine wether a person’s loss, regardless of their situation, is suitable for this forum…these people were brave enough to share, and this might just be the forum where they might get helpful comments from others who may have been in the same situation…grief is grief, whether it is by way of a passing, or someone leaving a persons life, for whatever reason…it even stretches to the loss of a loved pet…I have experienced all three, and what I can tell you, that yes, whilst they are all different experiences of loss, they have all very much brought grief to my life…so to all you “Nancy’s” on this forum, if you don’t like some comments, simply go on to the next one, if you feel it is not suitable to be shared on this forum, be empathetic and keep your thoughts as just that, your thoughts…everyone has the right to share their grief, whatever their case, others also have the right to keep unkind, unnecessary, unhelpful and hurtful comments to themselves, feel free to exercise those rights, because you too, may find yourself in any one of the situations that have been discussed in this forum, and you too, may have people say hurtful things to you as well…be an encourager, a helpmate and a supporter, rather than poo pooing other’s comments, because hurt people, hurt people, don’t be the latter…
T Dickerson March 9, 2020 at 12:11 pm
I have lost a lot of dearly important people in my life. When I was a senior in high school I lost my 2.5 year old nephew. I had gone to funerals all of my life up until that point. But at that point it felt as if my heart had been ripped out and a hole was etched in my very soul. That was 38 years ago. Unfortunately, his sister was taken from us February 13, 2020. She was 36 years old. Healthy weight. Healthy eater. Educated. Wonderful wife and mother of 3. She had flu-like symptoms on a Friday. By the next Wednesday they were measuring brainwaves. She didn’t make it. I had just moved back home to Indy in 2017 because my Momma was suffering from stage 5 (or so) of Alzheimer’s. My niece had become more than my niece. She became my friend. We talked daily. We talked life, dreams, hopes, nutrition, “This Is Us!” I could not fathom that she was gone. Six days after her burial my Momma succumbed to Alzheimer’s. 2019 was not kind to us. The process of grief that is not often talked about is how painful it is that people compartmentalize their condolences/support. And how you deal with this.
What I mean is that when my niece died she had a sizable group of friends because she was in a sorority. They were a large part of the funeral, helped plan memorial activities for her, etc. And they expended a great amount of energy consoling my sister. The problem is/was that my niece and my sister had a tense and contentious relationship. My sister and I were living together as she was helping me with our mother. However, my niece spent all of her time when she came over with me. When she died, I felt slighted. This made me angry. This didn’t help my sister’s and my relationship. She seemed to bask in the attention. And she needed it. I had to take a step back and it brought some clarity to how I offered support to others at such a time as death. My niece had a husband, children, cousins, aunts, uncles, friends. We all needed support.
When my mother died just weeks later, I remembered how I felt when my niece died. I worked to ensure that there were little messages of “I’m more hurt” taking place. I was in charge of the obituary. I made sure that her children, grandchildren, and her great and great great grandchildren each had a page with pictures of them with Momma. I even had a picture of her with my cousin. When he saw it he was visibly moved! I refused to even get a courtesy car from the funeral home. I felt that the message sent was “I am grieving so much that I can’t even drive” and “the rest of ya’ll get to the funeral the best way you can!” This actually caused an argument between my sister and I. When I explained it to my nieces, they got it. They had just lost their grandmother. They were important, too. I explained how I felt after losing my niece and they got it even more. They had lost their cousin. Their friend.
Bottomline: Grief is already a messy, complicated, fact of life. We don’t need to heap more mess and complication onto the living if we have the power to prevent it. I have talked to several of my niece’s sorority sisters about my feelings. They get it. We have smoothed things over and have moved on. When they show up to events to support my niece’s children, I make sure they meet her cousins and know that they were important to her. They know this. They have family. We just forget. I don’t ever want to forget. It has actually helped my healing….or my dealing.
Donna February 25, 2020 at 6:04 pm
That sometimes you will feel that NO ONE understands. No one understand just how severe the loss is — Especially if you had a dual relationship with that person. My person served as my best friend/son/brother – all in one. So I feel NO ONE understands the gravity of my loss. No one understands that a part of me died too.
AR February 26, 2020 at 5:34 am
Donna, I am sorry for your loss and I understand how you feel. I lost my best friend and I feel the same. A part of me died with her too and nobody seems to understand how deeply it hurts.. Wish you all the best.
L. January 19, 2021 at 10:02 pm
So sorry for your loss Donna. Your words mimic my thoughts, namely when someone you love dies part of you dies too. I lost my mom last October and it is still hurts. I wish you the best.
Charlotte Greenwood February 22, 2020 at 7:59 am
I lost my partner, he was 39.heart attack.
That was almost a year ago in march.
Since then iv gone through every text book emotion. But recently, these last 3 months I’ve started buying lots of guinea pigs. Iv got 7 now and one is pregnant. Am i having a breakdown. Im detached from people, and am very antisocial.
Skylar Bratton February 20, 2020 at 10:49 am
My grandma died Jan,27,19 and i miss her still to this and i regret a lot of things and i miss her,i miss the i love yous and hugs/kisses she was my grandma i just wish she was still here but i know she is in a better place at gods feet.
Sharon February 19, 2020 at 11:52 pm
I lost my husband 5 weeks ago. I don’t know how to answer people’s question “how are you doing?” I’m lying if I say “fine” and feel like I’m asking for sympathy if I say “I’m not okay.” I have cried every single day since he passed.
Debbie February 29, 2020 at 10:54 am
Lost my dad recently from cardiac arrest. Mum was at his side when he passed on. Spent 2 weeks home trying to be strong for mum through the wake, funeral, post-funeral. Back to work in another city 2 hours away. I have my crying episodes I don’t tell mum about. I wonder how she is coping. If she cries every night she isn’t telling anyone. We grieve so privately on our own but maybe it’s better to share.
Heather February 18, 2020 at 11:25 pm
My son was killed 8 months ago. Every day is pain. He was 18 and at the start of his very beautiful life. His friends played a party game and tried to cover it up by saying he committed suicide. Every day I try to remember anything other than the screaming in the hospital, the day we removed him from life support, the holding him for the last time. If this is what it feels like to lose half my heart, who would want to live like this?
Vickie February 11, 2020 at 1:08 am
It’s ok to be ok with their choice…when they decide that death is better than being in unresolved pain…when no matter how many times they tried to get help, to get well, to change, to not disappoint their loved ones…and they just couldn’t. It doesn’t mean we don’t love them, or that we love them less, or that their life, and death, didn’t matter, just because we are able to say, “I know you were tired of struggling. I know you were hurting and tired. I know you felt this was the best choice. I know you thought we would be ok if you did this.” Mind you, *others* will not be ok with you being ok about this. They won’t understand…how could you possibly accept this “choice?”
Of course we wish it weren’t so. Of course we wish that just once, their efforts had ended in a Win for them…instead of a Loss for us. Of course we wonder “what if…” Of course we miss them, unbearably sometimes, and faintly in others, in those moments, all the moments, that remind us most of them. Sometimes we don’t need to ask why…because we already know. And that’s ok, too.
James Taylor February 8, 2020 at 5:08 am
Lost a loved one 6 1/2 months ago and l’ve been devastated since. Had a few good days but now it’s worse. Live in a crappy apartment. Put in my 30 day notice few days ago. Funny thing is I’m glad I’m getting out of here but have nowhere to go. But l hate where l live. Still grieving over my loss. Looking back on my life and realized l been through quite a bit. Issues from when l was little boy. Abuse. Suffer from self hate, I hate myself. I’m stupid, failed in school, jobs. I’m ugly. Afraid to talk to women because l fear rejection. So many things l hate about myself. Tired of being depressed, sad, angry and all. I wish l was dead. I’m a broken man. I wish l could go to sleep and never wake up. Best thing that can happen to me right now. If l was to go out and hit with a stray bullet i wouldn’t care. Don’t want sympathy, pity or nothing like that. People can be so cruel so why bother anyways. Only thing that hold me back from killing myself is wondering if where i go would be worse than where i’m at now. But I doubt if anything can be worse than where i’m at now being sad, dealing with the loss of my mother. People say you get over it, get through it but you never really do. I’m just tired of fighting, waking up everyday..I just wanna GO! I tried therapy and it doesn’t work for me. Happiness is a distant memory. The only bright light is death. I know death is forever, no coming back from it but we all gotta go eventually so why fight it
Tom’s Mom February 8, 2020 at 6:01 pm
Your comments hit me hard. I feel your pain . I lost my son , he was 26 , he was my hope and my joy . As a mom , I want to tell you this ; she would want you to live and live fully ! The pain is always there , you can get through it . You are a person of value and in spite of all you said , you are worthwhile . Find a way deep inside you to go on for her , and take good care of yourself . You are loved and thought of .
Judy February 21, 2020 at 7:04 pm
Friend you don’t know me but I read ur remarks I’m sorry ur feeling so bad my dad died two weeks ago but I remember all the good memories I know it’s going to take some time pls hold on.
Nunia February 23, 2020 at 9:42 pm
Hi James,
I am so sorry for your loss and the profound sadness you are experiencing. I think you are worth it and beautiful inspite of all this suffering.. (I suffer greatly too). Sometimes you’re at the mercy of your own body, and it’s not quite yours.
Hope February 6, 2020 at 10:41 pm
My grandad just died not even a dy ago. They forgot to mention (As a 13 year old girl whose vocabulary is 53% curse words) GRIEF IS A PAIN IN THE ASS, AND IT IS OKAY TO CRY AT NOTHING, BUT IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT UNLESS YOU HAVE KILLED THE PERSON, FEEL BETTER. I AM SENDING YOU ALL VIRTUAL HUGS.
Allie August 19, 2020 at 2:16 am
My heart has an aching feeling that never leaves me. Four months ago in April 2020 my dad passed away and the relief of him no longer being in pain is all I have thought about since. I think about how much he went through over the years. After visiting my dad’s grave yesterday, I realised I missed him as a person and not just glad he’s no longer suffering. Sudden release of emotion after months of being in autopilot. In the early hours of this morning I came across the list and comments. Thank you for sharing experiences. Life is so different without my dad but he would want me to live a fulfilling life. I will try dad.
AR January 28, 2020 at 5:59 am
My best friend died in 2018 in a car accident. She was only 32 and had been my best friend for more than 20 years. I miss her every single day and I am sure time won`t make the pain go away. I obviously have good and bad days, but something has changed forever. It feels like a part of my heart is missing and I can feel the emptiness somehow even when I am “happy” or when I am supposed to be happy. I wish people could understand more how much the death of a best friend can hurt. I feel really lonely not just because I loved her deeply but also because she was that one person who supported me whenever I was in pain. .. It´s ironic that the only person that could help me to get through all this suffering is the one I can not reach now, no matter what I do. I know people always judge grief, but I feel like they understand more when you`ve lost a relative. A lost of a best friend is in some sort of limbo…It feels like the only person who could really understand the bond I had with my best friend is the friend who passed away. So, I find myself sometimes trying to justify my grief as if I didn`t have the right to suffer as much as her family, when I`ve loved her deeply since our childhood. It turns out grief is what it is: all feelings are okay and it`s unique for each person. People should stop being so judgmental and be more empathetic.
Hana February 3, 2020 at 4:57 pm
Joy… thank you for writing this, it’s resonated with me deeply. I’m grieving the loss of my best friend. He died almost a year ago and I couldn’t get time off work at the time because “he wasn’t a family member.” It felt like a punch in the face. I’m sorry for your loss… I’m hurting with you. My deepest condolences.
cat Woodward February 14, 2020 at 10:26 am
I feel the same. I’m hurting and the one person that I would talk to about it is gone
AR January 27, 2020 at 8:50 am
My best friend died in 2018 in a car accident. She was only 32 and had been my best friend for more than 20 years. I miss her every single day and I am sure time won`t make the pain go away. You obviously have good and bad days, but something just changed forever. It feels like a part of my heart is missing and I can feel the emptiness somehow even when I are “happy” ou when I am supposed to be happy. I wish people could understand more how much the death a best friend can hurt. I feel really lonely not just because I loved her deeply but also because she was that one person who supported me whenever I was in pain. .. It´s ironic that the only person that could help me to get through all this suffering is the one I can not reach now, no matter what I do. I know people always judge grief, but I feel like they understand more when you`ve lost a relative. A lost of a best friend is in some sort of limbo…It feels like the only person who could really understand the bond you had with your best friend is the friend who passed away. So, I found myself sometimes trying to justify my grief all as if I didn`t have the right to suffer as much as her family, when I`ve loved her deeply since our childhood. It turns out grief is what it is: all feelings are okay and it`s unique of each person. People should stop being so judgmental and be more empathetic.
Jose January 22, 2020 at 2:38 pm
I lost my beloved maternal grandmother about two months ago, yesterday it would have been her 91st birthday. I love her dearly, and I miss her so much every day, every little detail reminds me of her. It is all so much harder since I am far away from my country, studying abroad. In fact, the news of her passing got me here, and for me it was impossible to go to her funeral since it was quite unexpected. Needless to say I still feel guilty of not having been there, angry with myself for being so far away from her when her condition began to worsen. I have exams coming but some days are just plain dark for me as I feel like I no longer care about anything, I can’t really focus nor get good grades as I used to. On the bright side I guess I can count myself lucky since I have lovely parents; in addition, my mom and I share a very special connection and I know she is also very affected, since I am her only child and we are so far away. I know time will help but it is just so hard. I know what I feel is okay and I can cope with it so far but I can’t wait till the day I go back to be with my mom again and go through this pain together. Wishing you all the best while going through this process, I thank you for this space to at least vent out a bit of what I’m feeling. I apologize if something is not clear, as english is not my mother tongue.
Jan January 16, 2020 at 11:56 am
After losing two friends to a horrible murder while I was in high school I could not find my smile or my happy place again. I felt guilty. I wish someone would have told me that it was OK to be happy again. It was not a betrayal.
davidsons January 10, 2020 at 12:40 pm
I Really Love all 64 things I am from Australia. thanks for this love from Australia
masterdomino88 December 31, 2019 at 7:13 am
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Karen Melms December 29, 2019 at 2:01 pm
Grief is not a problem to be solved but an experience to be carried. Still today (20 months after the sudden death of my 57 year old husband due to a brain aneurysm) I cried and had a sad day. Some memories are triggers and loneliness and overthinking still make me sad even though I’m very happy with a new love in my life. I will always grieve the loss of my husband and I will continue to have some sad days but I am happy in love again and I know that would make my late husband very happy too.
Paul Carlson February 5, 2020 at 11:23 am
Karen, thank you for your post. I find it encouraging to know that you have found a new love in your life. I lost my wife of 29 years, 7 months in November 2019. It was sudden and unexpected. I went from a spoiled man living the life of my dreams with a woman I called ‘baby’ or ‘princess’ to being a widower in the blink of an eye. I see a grief counselor weekly and have gone through some great exercises that help me process my grief, but of course none of this brings her back. I still get lumps in my throat or feel overwhelmed when it strikes me that she’s gone. I feel like my life is over and I just turned 52. I can’t imagine that I could have another 30 years of life and none of it is with her. I read a quote the other day that I find so true and heart wrenching: “I will love you for the rest of my life, and you won’t be here for any of it.” I hope one day I can find love again and live in a way that I’m happy and honoring her memory…but right now I feel like I will never be happy again.
Heidi December 25, 2019 at 1:00 pm
i wish more people understood that grief is not just for those who have lost someone due to a death. The permanent loss of significant other due to infidelity is also a form of “death”. October 30th, 2018 I found out my husband of 30 years had been carrying on with another woman. Within a week I decided I would never be able to trust him again and another week later I put him out. November 15th, 2018 is the last time I saw him or heard his voice. It is like he died. 30 years of my life – over in an instant. The pain and grief I have suffered since then is still almost unbearable. In this instance you add the feeling of betrayal on top of grief. It never ends. Triggers everywhere. I’ve stopped talking about it with friends and family because they really just don’t understand. I’ll be 50 next Spring. I know that that part of my life is done – romantic love, intimacy, having someone that I trust implicitly. My time with those things is over. Now it’s a matter of constructing what it is that my new “solo” life is going to be. It’s not easy.
Cat Carson January 11, 2020 at 12:48 am
Oh, please. No , Heidi. This is about grief after a death – clearly. If you want to talk about grief after a betrayal I’m sure there are boards for that. SMH
BB January 13, 2020 at 1:34 am
I’m so sorry, Heidi. Yes, it is a terrible grief to lose your spouse. It must have all been such a shock. I feel for you. I know it’s hard to believe now, but this will get easier. You will find joy in life again. Please consider getting some grief counseling. A big hug for you!
Obcodi January 19, 2020 at 9:05 am
Yes! My grief is for my first granddaughter who decided that she wants to be a boy not because she has always felt as if she was born in the wrong body but because it is a brave and admirable and supportive thing to do and will be an awesome example for all those struggling with these issues who don’t have the courage to do this not to mention it’s easier to be a man. I’m devastated and it’s been 2 years into the hormone shots and with the crew haircut, the facial hair, the voice change, the piercings, tattoos, and breast binding underneath the complete male wardrobe, I grief at the loss of my beautiful granddaughter that I was so close to. And for all those who will say she’s still alive, DON’T! I’ve heard it all before and she’s not this person resembles nothing of my granddaughter except teeth, not hair, looks, smile, smell, personality, not even her activities are the same and her sarcasm was not part of her old personality, she’s taken up smoking, and drinking, my heart is shattered and its pain is indescribable!
Sarah February 1, 2020 at 9:37 am
Heidi – I know exactly where you are coming from. I not only lost my father but my husband of 20 plus years was involved with other women. I am grieving the loss of a parent, trusting husband and a friend. I don’t know where to turn but I do know that I will eventually be ok and able to cope. I do know that you can have another love. It will be different and hard because you will be shielding you heart. We have to learn to love again!
Heather March 10, 2022 at 12:02 am
Heidi,
I went through the same grieve of infidelity. It was the worse grief I have every experienced. Ive lost five family members but being betrayed was the worst.
Eli December 24, 2019 at 5:11 pm
My former fiance passed away in Feb after 6 years battling a very aggressive autoimmune disease. We got engaged two years prior to his original diagnosis. I was his full time care-giver for three years and it nearly broke me in every way. He was my best friend and he was so supportive of me and my mental health issues that worsened during this time when he got worse. We mutually agreed on a care facility for him, which gave him so much freedom and the best care. We also separated three years before his passing as I wasn’t well mentally, and he supported me doing what I had to do to be better again. This required me moving back over seas to live with my parents. Throughout all that, up until his, some what unexpected passing, we were still very close. Talking every weekend, video chatting. He was so positive and funny, despite the pain he was in and the loss of everything he loved around him that he could no longer do. It was his birthday yesterday, and it’s been so hard, the first holiday season without him. Seeing things in the stores he would have loved, movies he won’t get to enjoy, funny things he would have laughed his head off over. He was my biggest fan honestly, even after we separated. I still love him dearly. I’m in a new relationship, but I feel so guilty in my grief at times, as though, I’m being unfaithful by grieving his loss. He was supportive of this but my love for him is different than it is for my current partner. I never got to attend his funeral, being overseas, and him not technically being mt fiance anymore for a few years now, it wasn’t possible. I’m attending a one year memorial in Feb for him, when his ashes will be scattered. I feel guilty though and hoping as the years pass, this won’t be so hard to get through as it is this year. Though reading through some of the posts on others grief, does help a little to feel not so alone in how debilitating the grief feels at times.
tanveer rauf December 21, 2019 at 2:06 am
Time is the best healer
Cat Carson January 11, 2020 at 12:56 am
Did you see number 56? If not, please reread, and stop with the platitudes/cliches. Thanks.
Shylo December 16, 2019 at 7:20 pm
I lost my husband in an accident one month ago tomorrow, a week before I found out that my dad has cancer again and a year before that my husband lost his best friend, his dad, from a heart attack. I have the most amazing support system taking care of me but it doesn’t stop the empty feeling from being there. I was 16 when my dad had cancer the first time and I shoved every emotion I had into a box because I figured if I did that it would all be okay, he got through it, a different man, but he got through it. I realized later that by shoving my emotions away that it made me into an angry version of myself. When I met my husband I eventually shared those emotions with him in a burst of emotion, it had come back to bite me in the a$$ but he listened and helped me be more honest with myself. I told myself after his accident that I can’t do that again, even though the circumstances are slightly different then last time, not allowing myself to be honest with my emotions doesn’t make me stronger, it would make me weaker and with my dads diagnosis still looming I still have to find a way to grieve while still being there for him(in some ways this is what is stopping me from running because a large part of me just wants to escape to another country for a while).
I have experienced a lot from this list so far and i’m sure more will come soon, i’ll probably forget what I told myself at some point too. Today, I broke down because I couldn’t tell my husband some news that he would have found interesting and it took me while to get any bearings back, I tried not to cry at first but it ended up making me almost have a panic attack by doing so, so I just let the tears come. I have found though that being honest about my emotions when people ask me has helped, it hurts, it all hurts but don’t shove the emotions you feel into a pit just because you think someone else might feel uncomfortable or it makes you look weak, it won’t benefit you, you will still feel those emotions regardless.
Victoria Richings December 13, 2019 at 6:54 pm
I lost my beautiful mum 4 days ago, the pain is the most violent aggressive pain I have ever felt in ny life. I know shes gone but I also keep thinking she will walk back in the room.
This pain is indescribable the bottom has fallen from my world and I simply dont know how to be, How do I live a life without the most precious person living it with me.
I need her so bad right now, I feel like I’m going insane, I want my head to stop, my thoughts to rest and my pounding heart to slow, and this gut wrenching stomach pains to disappear. The one person who could soothe me has gone, I will never be the same person again, my heart has died I’ve lost the biggest part of me, and I know I will ever find it.
The only thing keeping me going right now is my family, who are all feeling the same.pain, I want to be unconscious so I dont have to feel this horrendous torturous pain, I feel guilty, lost, alone, and really vulnerable.
The love I received from my precious mother is a love I will never feel again, she was amazing, and the love was so strong, so powerful it’s been ripped from my world. And my world has ripped through me.
Christina Moore December 29, 2019 at 2:27 am
Hi Victoria,
My mom passed away Dec 2018. I felt almost insulted that the world just kept going, no change after losing my beloved mom. The only way I could describe losing her was like I had suddenly stepped into an alternate reality, another universe where she was no longer present on Earth, a fairytale of a beautiful spirit suddenly coming to an end.
Today I still cry tears for her, missing her, but it isn’t as frequent. And I can finally say that although I will always miss her, I am going to be okay. I don’t know if this helps Victoria, but I hope it does.
Peggy December 31, 2019 at 2:58 pm
Victoria, your words are so very true. Word for word how I feel inside. I lost my Mom suddenly & there is no greater pain. I feel lost. Wondering how life will go on. I pretend like she’s gone away on a trip but will be home soon. Seems like the only way to get through to another day. This loss is so big and hurts beyond measure. As the New Year approaches, I feel worse. She won’t be here, in this New Year. No new memories, nothing. I know she wouldn’t want me to be this way. Our Moms loved us unconditionally. Deeper than any live we’ll ever know. My family is what keeps me going. I want my kids to feel that love come through me. Thinking of you, thank you for sharing your story.
Cat Carson January 11, 2020 at 12:55 am
I am SO sorry, sweetheart, and understand and empathize completely. My heart is with you and I mean it.
Char January 11, 2020 at 5:46 am
My heart goes out to you. Your words resonate with me so closely I feel like I wrote them. The pain is extremely devastating to say the least. It has been 2 years since my mom’s passing & it STILL hurts me deeply daily. We were so close & I ‘m an only child without any grandparents. Not being able to pick up the phone to call her & hear her voice answer on the other end is just gut wrenching . Sometimes it feels like a terrible nightmare I can’t wake up from. I have begged God to help ease the pain & he has given me strength but I still struggle. I miss EVERYTHING about my mom & I’d do anything to hug her and hear her voice again. I pray that everyone in this thread of comments can find peace & comfort at some point and try to just hang on to those beautiful memories b/c grief will drive you crazy if you let it. Take time to cry whenever you need to. Just let those tears flow. It makes you feel a little better & releases some of that built up sadness in your heart. Holding my grief in literally makes my chest tighten up & gives me anxiety. Don’t let your grief make you ill. Stay away from negative people & enjoy peaceful nature or whatever bring you joy.
Susan Kerr December 11, 2019 at 9:34 pm
One month 4 days – time passes since my Mum died. Yet, I remain transfixed unable to recognize time in the usual way. I hanged up a clock in the kitchen, just to remind myself to listen and hear time passing. Tick tick tick. Now, periodically awakening to notice a day or week has passed. No longer caring. Hollow. Living but less alive. Some nights my entire being is the sum of these unending tears. The first few weeks a state of emotional and surreal physical shock. It reminded me of the adrenaline rush I had during a bad car accident as the car rolled over me in slow motion. Time now lived in slow motion. I lost part of my own identity along with her. I will never again be the child of another mother. Missing her humour and gentle chiding. Missing her tenderness and grace. Grief a cannon ball in the gut. No, nothing will ever be the same again. I get it, okay, I get it. Grief is clearly a transition, but to what?
Deborah December 11, 2019 at 10:19 pm
I lost my mom 16 days ago and the emotions you are describing sound so familiar. I feel lost, not sure where to turn. I find myself reading a story or hearing a bit of family news and immediately want to call and tell her only to remember I can’t anymore. Friends and family tell me it will get easier and to remember she loved me and would want me to be happy. I know they are right as that is what I would want my own son to do if I was the one who had passed away but at this moment it seems almost impossible.
hurting November 28, 2019 at 6:57 pm
My lovely husband died two weeks ago. I’m lost. We only had each other, we only loved each other. Kind people are checking in with me and I appreciate it so much, but they are strangers. Everybody is a stranger to me. I wish I had opened up my world more to other people, but I do not find it easy. I don’t trust people and I don’t think I am ‘normal’ in social situations. I always feel regret after sharing to much about myself with people I might see again. I can talk about anything with strangers, hence me sitting here after midnight. It hurts so much. I don’t know who I am without him.
Jennifer November 22, 2019 at 9:54 pm
Best thing someone said to me after my parents died….
However you are feeling.. it’s ok, because its how you feel. It cant be wrong.
Benjamin Ouaglal November 19, 2019 at 8:21 pm
I lost my wife about 3 months ago in July, as she lost her 3rd battle against breast cancer. I can relate to every single point of this post, I know my grief journey just began and it seems overwhelming at times, I went to grief counselling , and some of the advices are in the post, but still it doesn’t take away the pain, the loss, the grief…
Derek S Speck November 19, 2019 at 6:07 pm
Put to sleep my one true friend yesterday. The guilt is horrible. I hurt all over. He was perfect. Best dog ever. Never knew something could hurt so much. Lost both my parents and my sister when she was 26. But nothing compares to this.
Lol McIntosh December 1, 2019 at 10:26 am
Derek, you did the best you could… I feel your pain–lost my fur baby over a year ago and I still grieve… she was the only “person” in my life that offered unconditional love, no judgment or commentary, just a perk of the ears, wag of the tail or nuzzle in the hand… hang in there…
Mal November 12, 2019 at 9:36 pm
My boyfriend passed away last month in his sleep unexpectedly (it was something medical). I grapple a lot with disbelief…I don’t believe that he’s truly gone. But the biggest thing is that I have just never felt so alone before. And I’m not alone, I’m surrounded by family and loved ones who want to support me (his family and mine). I’ve had so many friends reach out and I am so thankful for that support, but I still feel so alone. Also, time hasn’t passed for me (it’s like I’m stuck, walking through glue). And things happen, and people’s lives go on, but I feel like mine has been stuck on that same day. And I’ve never wanted something (or someone) so much in my life. I would do anything just to have him back for one day, even – to speak to him and tell him how much I love him and to ask if he’s okay…I’m just so lost. And the person I would talk about all of this with is him – he knew me better than anyone. I have a hard time showing my emotions to people, but he always knew how I was feeling. I just feel so alone. Trying to get back into school (I’m in a Masters program) and working full time has been so challenging, because I don’t really see the point in doing anything and yet I know he was so proud of me for going back to school (but I’ve also been so focused on school lately, we haven’t been spending as much time together and I resent that school made me so preoccupied).
Patty November 20, 2019 at 6:31 am
I’m so sorry, Mal. I feel so alone too–and I lost my cousin, who was more like a little sister, that I grew up with. I think we feel alone, despite having other people around us, perhaps because we’ve been left alone in this relationship we had, and we’re in no way ready to leave it. This list was pretty helpful, especially the part to go easy on yourself, and that there’s no one way that is correct. Take your time and take care of yourself.
jeff padagas October 30, 2019 at 4:02 am
i broke up with my boyfriend 2days ago and am missing him already how can i get him back post comment october 30 2019
Nancy November 11, 2019 at 10:39 pm
You broke up with your boyfriend? Did he pass away? I’m confused. This is a site about grief after loved one’s die.
Melly Campos October 21, 2019 at 12:59 pm
I lost my dad last year unexpectedly and it’s been tough. He was my best friend, someone who was always there & had the greatest heart. I think about him all the time, talk to him on my way to work & pray for him at night. His death brought my sister and I closer. We talk everyday and always laugh at the sweet memories we had with him. I catch myself crying everyday or just feel so sad because I feel guilty that he isn’t here to get to do stuff with us anymore. This feeling sucks. My heart always feels heavy.
Sydnee Hanson October 22, 2019 at 1:04 pm
Hey Melly, I was just reading this article and saw your comment. My father also passed away a year ago in August 2018, unexpectedly and sudden, a jet boat accident. And he was my hero and everything I wanted to be when i grew up and I saw him kinda immortal like a superhero. When he passed it was left with just my sister and I. We are closer now as well. I just thought I was crazy how similar our stories were. Thought I should reach out because it’s the middle of the day and I was googling “how to get over the death of a loved one” as well
Erica November 19, 2019 at 10:58 am
After reading your comment about your father passing, I felt like I had written the words myself. My father died suddenly and we are all still in shock. He was warm, kind, funny, and very comforting. I still send him voicemails and listen to his voicemails to help remember his sweet nature. He always left me songs or bible verses. I have never felt so alone now that he is gone and being in the car makes me sad because I cant call and chat with him. Everything I do seems blank now that he has gone. My sister and I have become much closer trying to cope with his death, and the upcoming holidays seem daunting.
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Gloria L. September 20, 2019 at 11:51 am
I lost my husband18 months ago and I felt most all of these things listed. I was helped by a few friends, my own family after first losing dad and brother 9 yrs ago 2 months apart, 2010 and 2011. Then my mother-in-law Jan 2016. Then my husband Jan 2018. Then my close sister’s husband Sept 2018. Sigh. I leaned heavily on God, church and grief books. I got the courage to go to a Christian Dating Website this week, Sept 16-20, 2019 and it was hilarious. Fake Christians that partially drink, smoke, scam, etc. But one guy who said he was widowed before I deleted my account said something that stuck with me…..”I lost my wife 8 years ago and that is in the past, I leave the past in the past. I have to start over a new life. She is in Heaven but I must continue to live.” It made me fully realize how I fought to hold onto the memories and the past that will do nothing for me in terms of continuing on in this very alive world. I have moved miraculously into another clarified dimension somehow. Wow. Thank God for Jesus!
Judi Ceme September 20, 2019 at 3:23 am
It’s great that you are getting ideas from this paragraph as well
as from our argument made at this place.
Dr. Kitty Bickford September 15, 2019 at 8:28 pm
I wish someone would have told me before I lost my husband that it would be like living someone else’s life afterward. I don’t feel like my old self, and I don’t know who my new self is yet. It takes three times longer to finish anything I start than it used to, and only God can fill the emptiness left where my Jim used to be. I wish someone had told me I would want to go out in the woods and scream everyday just to voice my grief in all its intensity.
Richard October 25, 2019 at 6:03 am
Doctor. I am so sorry for your loss.. I am crying over my brother’s grave now.
Soon. I will join him!
sue January 5, 2020 at 10:51 pm
I agree with everything you said. I lost my husband of 30 years 2 months ago and l feel totally lost. I too want to scream It was a long illness and I was the primary caretaker. I was his cheerleader and advocate. He was on the transplant list and I was so sure he would get the lifesaving organ, which never happened. To say I am devastated is quite an understatment
donna ferris September 13, 2019 at 2:45 pm
I lost my son 5 weeks and 3 days ago. I stay alone and cry. I just want my 45 year old baby back so much.. My doctor told me I could – drag!!- this out as long as I want or get over it.. One day, someone called and asked for him. I explained what happened. He said sorry, but have a great day!!!. So, other people after about a week go away and are uncomfortable to be around you. I feel almost embarrassed to be upset around people. They just don’t get how horrible losing a child can be, regardless of their age. There is no way to comprehend unless you go through it.
D November 30, 2019 at 3:56 pm
Hi Donna. I lost my stepson last week. His name is Daniel. 26 yeara old. I am still not really accepting it. I am sorry about your son. Also sorry about your terrible Dr., and others in your life who are not evolved enough to understand. This is so hard. I know it will only get worse for us. You are right, not possible to understand if you have not been here. I wish you and I did not understand.
Tshego September 12, 2019 at 5:47 pm
Took me 16 years to get to numbers 36 and 63.
jennifer September 20, 2019 at 10:49 pm
Can I ask why it took so long and how did you finally over come it? I’m going on about 2.5 years after loosing the love of my life at the age of 28. I’m 31 now and have no idea how to start over. The numbers 36 and 63 are the ones that I am struggling with most. Any words are so greatly appreciated. Thank you!
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Brain C-13 Review August 17, 2019 at 10:24 pm
After I originally commented I appear to have clicked the -Notify me when new comments are added- checkbox and
now each time a comment is added I get four emails with the exact same comment.
Is there a way you are able to remove me from that service?
Many thanks!
Susan August 17, 2019 at 12:13 pm
I have lost my two sons….one 16 years ago at age 23, and my younger son 2 years ago at age 33 (he turned 33 while in the hospital). I was “lucky” in that my best friend lost her only son at age 13, several years before my oldest died. She helped prepare me for all the feelings and emotions, the craziness and roller coaster ride of grief. And I found an online grief group that truly has helped keep me alive. When my youngest son died, I thought “how pitiful, I am somewhat prepared for this. I know what to expect.” I was wrong in some respects. You NEVER think you will lose a child, and you MOST CERTAINLY NEVER think you will lose two! I am so numb, still, and have trouble truly grieving. I go about my days as though I am one tough cookie, but my nights are truly a nightmare. And I drink too much to ward off the nightmares. I so don’t want to ride that roller coaster again….but thank God I have my church (which I discovered right before losing my second son….God knew I would need my church family), and I have a wonderful therapist. So hopefully there is hope for me!
Hazel August 13, 2019 at 3:34 pm
Hi Dear, are you really visiting this website regularly,
if so afterward you will definitely get pleasant knowledge.
Addie July 30, 2019 at 8:56 pm
This response is overwhelming. So many people in so much pain over the loss of a loved one. This platform helps so much to share with others who feel the same way they do, I really appreciate the opportunity to tell my story, my only son took his life, and I just didn’t know how to deal with it at all. I have cried, screamed, yelled, and begged him to come back, so I wrote him a poem and when I get so crazy with grief, I read this poem to myself. I would like to share it with you, maybe you could write one to your loved ones. Here goes,,,,,,,,
“What do we do now, that our friends are all gone, and we are left here all alone;
To face this life without you here, But in our hearts, you are always near;
We miss you so much we can hardly breathe, and hard to think you had to leave;
Our thoughts are always running wild, some are raging and sone are mild;
But mostly when we sit and sigh, we think of you and start to cry;
You left us in a very bad way, your pain was so great You couldn’t stay ;
When we laugh we feel it’s wrong, when we then realize you are gone;
We lost a son and a brother, and their will never be another;
We both understand and very much care, your pain, was to hard to bear;
Bunt now you’ve ran your race in life, no more pain stress or strife;
We will love you till’ the end of time, and even tho you left us behind;
We’ll catch up with you someday, and together we will always stay
Until we meet again, I love you my precious son”
Monica August 20, 2019 at 5:39 pm
I too lost my only son; he was 16, he too took his own life July 6, 2017. Your poem touched me emencely. These words are exactly how I feel. Beautifully said.
Rebecca September 11, 2019 at 5:29 pm
Oh God, if only this site existed 6 years ago when I lost my only son/child because he was struck by a speeding car with ice on the windshield so he had NO VISIBILITY! I tried a grief support group once 2 months after it happened. I was hysterical because I was picking up everyone else’s vibe. Never went back. I felt like someone cut the top of my head off and scooped out half of my brain. I just recently started to get brief glimpses of Hope and light by reading Laura Lynne Jackson’s books on signs they send us from the other side to let us know that they are OK. I thought, “oh well, this is sweet, but hokey.” Another failed attempt to feel ANYTHING that might make me excited about my life again. But GUESS WHAT? I made myself pay attention. I prayed to my spirits to send me signs and I promised to TRY to play this game! It happened over and over so much so I thought I was really creeping over the edge this time. My heart and soul and head were suddenly synced. I felt manic! I didn’t know what to do with all my new found energy. My husband found a way to squelch my joy, so I just went back to “Down Town”. I fought it though and slowly but surely I am doing exactly what I was doing, reading the same kind of books and crying out my requests for signs to the Universe and I am getting so many answers! Thanks for letting me ramble. That’s what happens when you “check out” for 6 years of your life! Try anything to come back to the surface if even it is a temporary respite. I don’t know if this will last but it sure is fun! God bless you people for starting this site!! I will definitely be back.
Mike July 8, 2021 at 9:08 pm
I lost my dad unexpectedly last month which I can not get my head around. Its shattered mine and my mums world.
I’m 37 and also lost my brother almost 5 years ago so I’m not new to grief but as terrible as it sounds losing my dad is on another level.
I feel so lost, no motivation or desire to do anything. Lost all faith in the world if I’m honest.
My work(not good place at best of times) will get fed up with my sick notes soon to which worries me.
The list on this site is spot on and helpful.
Do your own thing to get through each day and don’t listen to anyone else as unfortunately people will say things to you thinking their helping but really they are being super unhelpful.
Try not to take things to heart to much and take things as they come.
Jennifer July 27, 2019 at 10:35 pm
I wish someone had told me that I would lay in bed for years as life passed me by and ever so slowly die of a broken soul that no one can see. That my only friends would be my two cats and whatever movie I can get lost in…….because if they had, I could have prevented it .
Anon September 30, 2019 at 12:28 pm
You said it precisely. I am the living dead and i cant go on. There is no on here. I have a gun and will use it. I wosh someone would have killed me young. Before i thought my life would be good, loved and joyful. Not!!! I wish i would have died young before everything went to hell.
Kori July 12, 2019 at 9:54 am
My baby girl was born with Pulmonary Hypertension and we were told when she was one years old she wouldn’t make it to be five and see kinder. She fought and made it to 13 years and 8 days she passed April 28th 2019.
I was warned of many things but not the physical pain, the deep pain in my chest along with the heavy weight on my shoulders and chest. Or the fact I would shut down. I DONT KNOW WHERE I WAS. I hear stories of me sitting and shaking uncontrollably and sometimes I will still be sitting and the sam memory that made me smile earlier that week makes me weep.
I also gained knowledge of compound grief as we lost my father figure March 15th 2019. They believe this is what lead to my shut down. This list reconfirmed I needed to forgive myself… as I still have three baby girls to care for. And thank goodness they understood and forgave me for.being MIA.
I would add that grief can physically shut you down.
And you may come out blunt and no filter there after.
My daughter has a page
Lilly’s PHlight & hope 4 a cure
Thank you for your time.
Frances Hart July 11, 2019 at 8:12 am
I tried to read all the comments before adding this but there are just so many!
Grief shows you that Life is not forever. Life ends. Celebrating what you HAD and what you HAVE are possible when you don’t focus on what you LOST.
We are who we are because we loved our people in the time we HAD. I celebrate the Joy and Love of my husband, my parents, my sister and all my people who have died. And I celebrate where I am NOW with all those who still walk with me.❤️ I remember and smile when I remember the people who have died. ❤️
Lisa Provost July 10, 2019 at 12:25 pm
This list is gold. I lost both parents in 2017, six weeks apart after being their caregiver for 15 years. I then lost my family home last year, the one I grew up in and lived in most of my life. I’m still not okay. I miss my parents so much but I miss my home even more. It was the last straw that broke me. It was my history, my memories, I was forced to leave and my life hasn’t been as good since. I am very alone now and scared for my future and all I can think of is how did this happen? Life is definitely not fair at all. I see A LOT A LOT A LOT of caregivers go through this and it’s maddening and upsetting. We are tossed in the wind after and there is no help for us. In fact all the help I was getting went away and I am struggling and can’t get it back. I was here for nothing more than to take care of them and I have no purpose now. My own health is suffering and my mental health is the worst it’s ever been. Most of my family is gone, I have some left and when they go then I’m really alone. Yes I’m seeing a therapist, it took me two years to find the right one. I tried grief groups they didn’t work out at all. Grief is messy is right. It almost killed me. And yes I have lost a lot of friends, I’m just not the same person and I can’t pretend for everyone. I feel like I will never really be out of this phase of my life, things are not turning around. I mean really tiny things here and there and I’m grateful. But I feel like I get hit by a train over and over and over. And so many others are going through the same thing. Caregivers don’t have rights, that’s what I have learned. We sacrifice our lives to be all to someone, or many someone’s. We do it out of love, I didn’t want anything out of it, just peace after they were gone. I didn’t get it. Especially after how my mom died. She was treated so badly at the hospital and then died in rehab because they ignored what was going on with her. We’ll never get over it. Anyway, thanks for listening. I see so many of you in pain. I’m so sorry for all of your losses. I agree with another poster and in fact I’ve decided there is no such thing as karma in this world. And not at all just talking about myself I have so many good friends suffering. This has all made me look at the big picture and there isn’t one. It’s a random soup of crap every day. Sometimes good, sometimes bad. And yes I’m angry and feel too many good people suffer. I can’t let it go, I breathe it every day.
Ellie November 3, 2019 at 1:40 am
“We do it out of love, I didn’t want anything out of it, just peace after they were gone. I didn’t get it.”
So true. Same with me
Karen July 7, 2019 at 10:23 pm
The physical effects of grief are unexpected and real. When my husband passed away deep horizontal ridges formed on all my finger and toe nails. Half my hair fell out and I was passing out for months. I was shocked at the thoughtless things people said. They weren’t meant to be mean, but it told me those people didn’t understand grief. I felt stifled because others didn’t Want to hear anything. And I had a need to talk about the most amazing man I ever met. Healing started at a Grief Share class where we were all encouraged to talk about our loved ones. Grief never ends, but is a testimony of the love shared in this life. It gets easier to bear, but there will always be moments when you are, once again, ambushed with this devastating loss.
Ja. Madigan June 17, 2019 at 5:25 pm
Here’s one: Plan the funeral arrangements that YOUR immediate family can handle emotionally NOT what everyone else wants. Wakes, and visitations and post funeral meals are not what my family wanted to do we didn’t. We went with a direct burial and committal ceremony and moved on together and processed our loss as a family, individually. We couldn’t handle being a grieving family on display in front of the extended family. Yes they meant well but traditions aren’t rules for living.
Sean June 14, 2019 at 11:21 pm
#56 is spot on; TIME does not heal all wounds. What I tell people is, “The pain will never go away, but with TIME, it becomes much more manageable”. Thank you for this wonderful website I will share it with many. God Bless
ALISON HOBBS June 2, 2019 at 11:10 am
Grieving can make you less tolerant, perhaps less patient but ultimately more resilient. Always ask for help. Learn about who you are becoming through the rituals and processes you choses whilst coming to terms with the knowledge that your loved one will never walk through your front door.
Karin Aubrey May 25, 2019 at 10:22 am
When i was in my 20’s my brother died. Everyone around my Mom and me kept telling ME to “be strong for your Mom… She just lost her Son” Inside i was screaming at them “You don’t understand!!!! I just lost my brother!!!” So the biggest thing you should add is this ..
DO NOT tell other family members to “Be Strong” for someone.. This will hurt, it will serve to invalidate their own grief, it will cause feelings of guilt, and insecurity and it will also cause the person you are saying this to become withdrawn and stuff down their own emotions and grief. My Son just passed 10 days ago. I caught wind of someone telling my daughter to help support ME.. NONONO.. i posted on FB to NOT do this to her and why.. THIS is so important. Please allow ALL family and friends to grieve. we can all support each other as we able. Do not try to force anyone to support another. They may not be capable and you may be doing more harm than good.
Richard June 23, 2019 at 6:28 am
Karin. Nice words. If God exists, why does he put us through so much misery?
Things are not going well here. My mother flat out told me that she wished it
was me who died instead of her FAVORITE son! Dad said to let it go. Mother
was grieving! BS. She said it because she meant it. I now despise my mother.
Sheila Williams June 24, 2019 at 1:23 pm
I’m so sorry Richard. The remark your mother made is so wrong! I can’t imagine the deep pain it must cause on top of your loss. I send love and healing to you.
Lorna Botelho May 24, 2019 at 6:14 pm
After 1yr 7 mos of loosing my husband, I still cry daily, got to the grave for breakfast and chat and feel very alone even though I
have grown children and grand-children. The pain gets better then it hits just as bad as it was when he first died. I don’t know
when it will stop, but words from others do not help. The worst phrase from people ” Sorry for your trouble” even now!!!
I am looking into a support group maybe but I don’t know if it will help? Good luck to everyone and God Bless
Sharon June 2, 2019 at 7:09 am
(((hugs))). You’re still in the early stages of grief. People just don’t know what to say so you just have to think to yourself that they tried, even though it was the wrong thing to say. My pet peeve is “you’re so strong”. Well, not really. We tend to wear a “mask” to hide our pain. Blessings….
Marguerite June 12, 2019 at 2:57 pm
It has been 2 years for me since my husband of 30 years passed away. I know what you mean, it comes flooding back after you think you have it handled. I learned to just let myself cry. I’ll be driving to work and just break out crying. It’s not a matter of being strong. You don’t get over it, you get through it. I’ve had to learn to be me instead of a wife, not easy, feel lost sometimes. But hang in there, take up a hobby. I’m painting the inside of my house. I’ve found God is a great comfort and I’ve starting praying for people that have a loss too.
Ailaunie M. Sword August 11, 2019 at 5:54 pm
It had been 6 years since my husband of 40 years died – woke up one morning and died from an anurism by the end of the day. He was healthy, fit and didn’t smoke or drink. I was in total shock for months and months – I totally pulled myself away from everyone – didn’t eat much, lost too much weight, didn’t drink much, just slept a lot. Even slept outside on the patio a few nights. I pushed everyone away except my 2 dogs who were my only responsibility and I did make sure they got fed and outside. When I look back, I’m both surprised and not surprised at my reactions. My husband and I did not have children – I was alone. I still feel alone, but the good memories I have now override the bad memories surrounding his death. I go day by day and try to enjoy as much as I can and try new activities and meet new people. In my opinion, surviving someones death is a horrible journey that you never truly stop having.
Laurie December 10, 2019 at 1:41 am
I would like to add to 64 things you never knew abot grief.
It can make you feel like you can’t breathe or give you a tight achy pain near your heart. It can make you lose your appetite and have crying meltdowns on the one month anniversaries.
The feeling of being alone is pretty bad when you lose your hudband that you loved with your whole heart and you still feel devastated after 4 months.
You wonder how long it will take to feel somewhat like your old self. You feel like you need to start a new life and make new friends but you’re not ready to move on yet.
Evelyn west May 8, 2019 at 8:14 am
You should add to the list: After the loss of both parents, the sibling that volunteers to execute the estate might have bad intentions. Call the Social Security Administration to see if their ssn # is still active after their death. Be glad if you are wrong about it.
Karen May 5, 2019 at 11:07 pm
These words that people write will help I think. My Mom died in December, 2008, 11 years ago and I am struggling. Maybe I have complicated grief that I have read about. I have no children, no spouse, not in touch with family (one sibling left, much older, nieces, nephews) because after her death was very ugly. About 5 friends are very supportive but I cry all the time. Today I learned a friend my age will die soon from cancer. Every death I take so hard. I believe I may be an empath. It’s very hard to cope. I don’t know what to do. I need acceptance. Some days are better than others.
Jeannie May 6, 2019 at 4:34 pm
Have you had help from Cruse ?
Melissa Walsh April 27, 2019 at 12:10 am
I lost my Mum 6 months ago and people don’t seem to understand what a huge loss that is . If it’s your child or your partner they do but because your parents are supposed to go before you they think you should be ok. I’m not, she was my world and I’m devastated and just would like to join her. Grief is the last taboo.
Tammy April 30, 2019 at 8:05 pm
People who support you the first few days will move on and you are left to continue grieving
Lisa May 2, 2019 at 8:52 pm
I am so sorry for your loss. I read somewhere that the loss of a mother is the first sorrow wept without her. I lost my Mom almost 2 years ago and sometimes I miss her so much I can hardly breathe. She was my best friend. They say grief comes in waves and today was a tidal wave. Reminders are everywhere with Mothers Day approaching and that has been the most difficult day for me. I promise you it won’t always hurt this much
I’m sure your Mom would want you to be happy. That’s what gets me through my most difficult days.
I hope you have caring friends and family to get you through. My sincere condolences for your loss.
Claire Bourdin August 12, 2019 at 1:00 am
I sympathise with you completely. I lost my mother just over 6 months ago at the age of 97 & 4 months and I feel exactly the same as you do. Friends bothered at the beginning but now no one seems to phone. One or two do but that is all. And the bit about children and husbands is quite true. Mother’s are so important in your life and have been there all your life. My mother was in a home for just over a year and was very happy there, well looked after. She was my life, I used to go in twice a week to see her. Managed to tell her I loved her 2 days before she died & she said she did too. I have a partner and we are going to Greece next month. Hoping that will help. No I understand exactly how you feel. I live in Hove in the UK.
Please have my e mail address: bourdin5@sky.com
Best wishes, Claire
Tina September 18, 2019 at 7:50 am
Melissa… I feel the deep pain! The children and partner part is true… people expect parents to go before us.. but they don’t understand the pain of losing mum… I lost my mum 9 mth ago on 2 Jan. she is only 62 and been healthy and fit.. died of annurisym.. so sudden..I just wish I had gone with her… she’s always been my best friend.. I think how much the pain it brings depending on how much they have enriched your life!! I’m very close with mum… and she’s given me all the love she can.. which i will not get from anyone else in this world ever! Not even from dad, not from your partner or kids ( I don’t have spouse or kids) but I’m sure that’s the case…
If you feel like talking to your own feeling .. feel free to email me for a chat!! tinaq0921@yahoo.com
Robin Richeson April 26, 2019 at 12:02 am
My 17 year old daughter and her boyfriend lost their newborn daughter on April 11, 2019.
My first Grandchild, Evalyn, was in distress and delivered by emergency c-section within 10 minutes of getting my daughter to the hospital. Evalyn only lived for four hours.
I think what has helped the young parents the most is knowing Evalyn was going to help others have a chance at life by donating her organs. She was a beautiful baby; looked just like her Mom and me. She was perfect.
Oh the things I would have done for my sweet granddaughter. ?
Susan Bowles April 19, 2019 at 5:15 pm
Grief is absolute and awful. I lost the love of my life 4 weeks ago. I am devastated
Denise June 8, 2019 at 3:10 pm
Susan,
I lost my beloved husband on April 25, 2019.
The pain is unbelievable.It is the deepest and most difficult pain I have ever experienced.
I am sorry for both our losses, and I am grieving with you.
Joanna June 13, 2019 at 4:31 am
I lost my husband very suddenly and unexpectedly at the end of January this year. He simply went out and never came home again. Believe me, I know what you’re going through, he was the love of my life and my best friend.
Margaret July 14, 2019 at 11:24 am
I hate to say this, but torture is the word I would use to describe my grief. I lost the love of my life on April 10th o a horrific car crash through no fault of his own…..he was just trying to get to work.
S J March 11, 2019 at 2:34 pm
No one told me. That My 2 adult stepdaughters would plan an out of town birthday celebration for my husband 3 weeks after my mothers death. I would have thought that with them knowing I was the one who had to give final authority ” to make my mother comfortable” while I was 8 hours away driving to get to her knowing I couldnt say goodbye in person that they would understand I didn’t want to be without my husband at night. In appalled at their insensivity & I won’t feel bad for feeling that way.
Mehak February 27, 2019 at 10:15 am
Grief is the necter that cleans your sins. So let grief come. Welcome it.accept it. It will not be pleasant but it will be enlightening.
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Kp February 3, 2019 at 9:28 pm
Thanks for this list. I haven’t read the comments but what I am realizing is grief can be physically exhausting. Lost both parents within a year. My mom was an unexpected loss. Dad had been sick. My mom passed first. I physically can’t do as much as I used to and I know it’s bevause I’m grieving even when I am not thinking about it. It’s like extra weight.
Jera Gentry January 27, 2019 at 4:41 pm
My 24 year old son, Ashton, was shot and killed 4 months ago. September 29th, 2018. No arrests. When your child is murdered, it brings about extra questions. The Who, what, and why. Questions I may never have answers to. The anger is real. Grief is incremental. It’s doesn’t go away, it changes. I’m stuck in an anger root right now. Also, people don’t get that your child is literally in your mind, 24/7! Literally. You don’t want to talk about anything else. Or, you don’t want to talk at all. You become a completely different person. Phony…fake if you will. I’ve become a liar. I wear a mask. It gets tiring to answer people honestly when they’re stupid enough to ask, “how are you? Are you okay?” You want to scream at them with 4 letter words, HOW DO YOU THINK I AM? In the beginning, I explained over and over I’m hurt, I’m numb, I’m angry, I’m unpredictable…now, I just say I’m alright with a little sarcasm. And walk away. I wear a mask in public, cause I can’t cry at the mall for the rest of my life. Oh and…grief is my new normal. It’s who I am.
Mel April 21, 2019 at 11:03 pm
I am sorry this happened to you. If you need to cry in the mall then I say do it. You have every right to be angry. I have wore a mask out in public and it isn’t pleasant. If people don’t want to know how you are really feeling they shouldn’t ask.
Tracy May 29, 2019 at 4:43 pm
I am so very, very sorry for what you are going through in the tragic, violent loss of your son. I am going through a devastated loss as well, and yet I wish somebody would ask “how are you” to me. Nobody does. It’s as if nothing happened and I am supposed to just roll with the tide as if my world is not shattered and gone. How I wish just one person would acknowledge my loss by asking how I am doing. Maybe I wouldn’t feel so desperately alone and hopeless in this suffocating grief.
Becky June 25, 2019 at 7:27 am
I’m so sorry that no-one has had the decency and compassion to ask how you are, unfortunately grief is a frightening thing for many people and they sometimes feel it’s better to say nothing than say the wrong thing. I wish you the strength and courage to bear it and to heal.
Dottie Moore January 23, 2019 at 6:35 pm
The only 2 things i can think of to add to this list is that i wish i had ran across it or someone had sent it to me before my precious mama passed away Jan. 29 2018. The other thing I’d add is i wish my BFF had read it & had transformed into the human she had once been & been there for me when i realized 2 months after mom died that she was Really gone forever, that id Never see her again in my lifetime. I freaked out & when my now former bff ignored my calls & texts i finally admitted to myself what a narcisstic fair weather user she had slowly but surely became in the past 20 yrs
Sunny January 20, 2019 at 12:59 am
During the last years I have lost my father and three brothers by suicide. The last one in June 2018. Life was hard for me and grief will never end I think. Now people are bullying me and say: When will you take your own life and continue your family’s Tradition. It is hard to stand against these people . But what is wrong with them to ask me questions like that?
Marlen Alcindor January 21, 2019 at 9:07 am
The cruelty of some people these days doesn’t surprise me and I am sorry this happened to you.
Em January 23, 2019 at 4:42 am
I deeply feel for your losses. I recently lost a third brother whom I had know until last year for 41years of my life. My heart misses him. I lost two brothers to suicide years ago when we were teenagers and I grieve still the second one. Please reach out to support networks. These people who are bullying you are not worth it. They have their own insecurities and leave them to it. You are worth it. Every piece of you.
It is hard sometimes- I get it. Know you are worth it. Peace
Lydia January 26, 2019 at 1:34 am
I am so sorry. People can be horrible. I will never understand people like that and what kind of moral compass they have. Your losses are immense and the last thing you need are people like that. I just wanted to say how sorry I am you have to go through all this.
June fun dir Merve March 11, 2019 at 1:35 am
Look behind the person saying these things to you, there is an enemy/force behind these people that wants to destroy you. once you realise the person in front of you is being used, you can forgive /stop blaming the person and stand stronger. Speak out against it and say it will not destroy you. the person being used may think you lost your marbles, but that is okay. You will let the enemy know you are not afraid and you will be stronger for it. Knowledge is power.
Give yourself permission to feel what you are feeling and live it. grief is an emotion and if you may be happy, joyful etc, you may also be sad. Enjoy the moment like all other emotional moments. if you cry in a theater, people understand. They will have to learn to understand your grief. it is on them.
ROBERT M FRUMKIN January 14, 2019 at 3:47 pm
Grief demands you take care of yourself
Terri Daniel, MA, CT January 13, 2019 at 11:38 am
Speaking as a clinical chaplain certified in death, dying and bereavement by the Association for Death Education and Counseling with 12 years of hospice experience (and having lost a child myself),while many of the points on this list were good, some were incorrect and downright irresponsible, and should never be included on a list like this.
Some of these statements were made as if they were absolute truths, and it made me wonder if the person who wrote this list had any knowledge of contemporary grief theory and counseling. I would strongly urge you to rewrite the following statements. It can be as simple as inserting the words “sometimes” or “can be” or “for some people” so that you’re not making blanket statements as if they apply to everybody in every situation. For what it’s worth, here are my comments:
“Holidays, anniversaries, and birthdays will be hard forever.”
This is a terrible thing tell a grieving person. It is not an absolute truth, and is not true for all people. Some people are more resilient than others, and resilience is not a sign of denial or suppression of feelings. We can learn to make those events joyful, where we remember the loved one with fondness rather than despondence.
“You lose yourself, your identity, meaning, purpose, values, your trust””
Why is this stated as an absolute? While it certainly CAN be true, it is not true for all people in all situations. It depends on a variety of multiple factors surrounding the death, including the relationship to the deceased, the type of death, the presence (or lack) of social support, spiritual perspectives, and dozens of other factors.
“However badly you think it is going to hurt, it is going to be a million times worse”
Nobody with any knowledge or skill in grief support would make a statement like this. Again, it depends on all the factors listed above, and much more.
“There is no normal when it comes to grieving.”
Loss and grief are normal parts of human experience, and there IS a “normal” trajectory for healthy grieving. But some people develop “complicated grief,” which is unhealthy and can sometimes even be pathological.
“Grief makes you feel like you are going crazy.”
This may be true for some people, but not for others. Grief is a normal response to loss, and to teach people that it always makes you feel like you’re going crazy is just plain wrong.
“Dying is not like you see on TV or in the movies. It is not peaceful or prepared.”
This is an absurd statement. I have witnessed dozens of peaceful, prepared, beautiful deaths.
I hope you will consider re-writing that list with the help of someone trained in grief counseling. It could be a valuable tool, but as it is now, I would never share it with my clients or students.
Carol January 13, 2019 at 11:05 pm
Thank you for your words of wisdom
Hugs
Xisca Nicolas January 15, 2019 at 3:50 pm
You mention having “lost” a child, and using this word, lost, has some drawbacks, as it had for my mom when she was a child! She heard so many times her mother say she regretted to have “lost” her baby, and my mom as a child thought “why did not dad go and look for the lost baby as he knows the forest well?”
She understood suddenly one day that this baby had died. She heard the expression when she knew that the person had died, and she understood.
How many years of distrust, of being lost and nobody will care? I could see her fear with us, her children. She had the fear that we could fear to be abandoned!
Please can you introduce in your work to use a proper word and be careful with children that get the direct meaning of a word. Fear of abandonment is known to be very deep, and it should not be associated with death!
Smidgen Barnes January 16, 2019 at 12:06 am
“Losing” a child doesn’t always mean that the child died. As sorry as I am that your mom spent years fearing abandonment, the responsibility for her misunderstanding was her parents’, not the author’s. Children can be given up for adoption, taken by the state or kidnapped, addicted and out of touch, estranged for unknown reasons…”lost” has lots of meanings, not all of which equate to “death”.
Jill Schlapper January 20, 2019 at 8:52 am
I have been privileged to be with my parents when they passed. I also work with Hospice and have witnessed and heard many moving stories. I agree Terri, when I read this list, although there were some real good points, there were many that were worded poorly. Each person experiences death and grief in their own way. It is important however they find help through family, friends, church or support group. When reading this list, please remember this is one person’s perspective.
Kira January 28, 2019 at 11:20 pm
I think you just made a few statements that should not be on this list either. You may have seen many beautiful deaths, but that’s not the way it always goes. Death – dying – can be really hard and unpleasant. My husband was in hospice at home ( they didn’t do a great job, but that’s another story) and had a pretty “unpleasant” death. Not peaceful, not beautiful. And a few of my friends have also had non-peaceful, non beautiful deaths. Dying can be hard and can take a while, and just because someone is drugged out at the very end doesn’t mean it was peaceful. This is real.
Brooke Sydney-Smith March 14, 2019 at 8:13 pm
You also can’t make the blanket statement that death is beautiful.
When we watched my friend collapse and die at school (we were fourteen) it wasn’t beautiful.
We watched her dead body come out and the paramedics doing CPR and we knew.
The silence, the death. We were watching.
Stacey January 12, 2019 at 11:44 pm
Don’t compare your or others love for a person based on your/ their expression of grief
It’s ok not to visit the memorial or grave. You will go when you are ready or you may never go the main thing is it’s ok you can remember in different ways.
Laura January 12, 2019 at 11:01 pm
No one tells you that your siblings continue to live their lives and that you become the only one to care for your physical disabled mother.
I dropped everything to care for my daddy when he was diagnosed with cancer. I took him to Every appointment, Chemo, Radiation every Specialist, every doctor.
I always made sure he had whatever he needed, from meds to oxygen and everything in between.
Kept charts of appointments, meds, breathing treatments. I wouldn’t give up 1 second of the time I had with him.
He was my Rock, my Hero.
I don’t know how it became my job but I’m so proud it did. Because I now know that no one else could’ve done it better.
My mom couldn’t handle any of it.
She said some things that just made me SMH…
Like when he came home from the hospital with oxygen… she said “I don’t like that, you with oxygen….
OMG that’s like saying “I don’t like you breathing!!!”
She went with us once to his Chemo appointment and she says.. “I don’t like seeing all those sick people!!”
Holy S#¡t my Daddy is one of those “Sick People ”
You would think that with 55 years of MARRIAGE she would me more understanding??
My Daddy and I have always been close.
It has killed me, I have my own health issues and am so severely depressed that I struggle everyday just to get up…..
BUTTTT
I’m now taking care of my mom because I guess that’s my job now.
I have 3 siblings but feel like an only child, I have no life of my own… No one tells you that your siblings expect you to be the sole caregiver of your parents!
I feel like I’ve not been able to grieve because I been thrown into “my” next “job!”
I love my mom dearly, but we butt heads about a lot of things.
I’m used to living alone with my son but now we live with her (she can’t live alone with her physical limitations) so that has been a HUGE adjustment.
I miss my daddy every single MOMENT!
No one tells you that no matter how many days pass…. you’ll Never stop missing them.
No one tells you that no matter how much time you’re together and things you did you wish you did more.
The thing that people do say is, it gets better with time…… That is a lie.
The only thing that does get better with time is that I know with every day that goes by…
Is That I’m One Day Closer
To Seeing HIM again!!
In Heaven ❤❤❤
Beverly January 13, 2019 at 1:12 am
Laura, I cannot imagine your grief. I also would think the same things if my mother said some of those things, but outside the box I can see maybe her those were her attempts to cope to grieve the husband she once had. The older generation were not allowed or encouraged to express grief. So hopefully as youbcare forvher & allow yourself to grieve she will be able to do so. I pray for you to take time to find support & encouragement for yourself during this challenging time. God bless
Laura S December 3, 2019 at 4:22 am
Laura – i read your comments and so feel you – I did not catch your name until I read Beverly’s reply to you …. It caught me off guard as my name is Laura (as well). My daddy just passed away June 3 – it is actually officially six months and I feel so much of what you expressed – a few differences, the most important thing we share is that our daddy was our hero – he will always be too, know that!!! As hard as some days are for me and as much as I want to be with him, I have a husband and two kids and my dog… i so want to smile and enjoy life its just so tough without him. He was my go to person and now hes gone. I get in the car and call him and hes not there …. i don’t understand how people say it gets easier …. i don’t ever see how…this post is amazing – I cant believe comments go through 2013 – i hope to follow from now on. To anyone who is here – may g-d be with you. May you try not feel so alone and find peace in the relationship that has been lost in the presence of today – not in your heart … be kind to yourselves!!!
SLN January 12, 2019 at 3:39 am
When someone you love gets sicks and goes through the dying process, whatever relationship you had with them before the illness will continue through to their death. People who have a hard time expressing emotions, won’t suddenly be able to communicate deep emotions. People who do not know how to be affectionate, will not suddenly become affectionate. And that’s okay.
Vicki January 12, 2019 at 4:20 pm
I don’t agree that sending thank you cards is a bad thing. I lost my 19 year old daughter and I thought writing out thank you cards helped me. It was kind of like journaling (which helps a lot too). Not only that but when someone gives you a small or large amount of money, I think it’s a good idea to thank them.acceptable
Lonely January 11, 2019 at 6:58 pm
You will grief ALONE
Terri Thomas January 4, 2019 at 11:29 am
Green & Super-green remeidies for grief:
Terri Thomas January 4, 2019 at 11:37 am
Green and super-green remedies for grief:
Terri Thomas January 4, 2019 at 11:42 am
Green & Super-Green Remedies for Grief
August 5, 2018
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Terri Thomas
God’s natural & supernatural gifts to the bereaved.
God has provided so many gifts for us to help us as we navigate this journey through grief. Some of them occur naturally (green) and some of them are given to us supernaturally (super-green). I do believe that the super-green gifts are the most important. They enable the green gifts to work more effectively. The green gifts alone might not be sufficient to provide the healing and peace that we need.
Some of GOD’S GREEN GIFTS
1. THE SUPPORT OF FAMILY AND FRIENDS
I am so grateful for the love and support that we received! In our darkest hour, these people were truly the hands and feet of Christ that carried us when we couldn’t carry ourselves. To me this was by far the most important of the “Green Gifts,” especially in the immediate aftermath of Brett’s death. The prayers, meals, phone calls, texts, flowers, gifts, cards and letters, tears shed with us, time spent with us, etc. touched our hearts so deeply and left and indelible mark.
2. PETS
Every time we look at our pet with love our body reacts positively by producing chemicals that lift our spirits. When you do this many times throughout the day, it is a great natural help for our sadness.
“We animal lovers have long known that, no matter what life may bring — sickness, sadness, or radiant health — pets make us feel better. Numerous studies have documented astonishingly wide-ranging effects. Cat owners enjoy a 30 percent reduction in heart attack risk. Watching swimming fish lowers blood pressure. Stroking a dog boosts the immune system. Now researchers can explain the source of our companion animals’ healing powers: Our pets profoundly change the biochemistry of our brains.”
Read more here
“Your dog offers unconditional love, companionship, and lots of fun. You have no doubt felt the joy of being greeted with a wagging tail, doggy kisses, and a loving nuzzle. The pleasure experienced with such a welcome definitely lifts your spirits. It also changes your body chemistry and greatly benefits your emotional and physical health by increasing your feel good hormones, serotonin and oxycotin.”
Read more here
Here is my little serotonin lifter – Teddy Thomas. He has been such a blessing to me. Every time I look at him I can feel my heart lift. I thank God for him every day!
3. EXERCISE
When you exercise, your body releases chemicals called endorphins. These endorphins interact with the receptors in your brain that reduce your perception of pain. Endorphins also trigger a positive feeling in the body, similar to that of morphine. Read more here
4. CRY IT OUT (literally) – TEARS
Emotional tears have special health benefits. Biochemist and “tear expert” Dr. William Frey at the Ramsey Medical Center in Minneapolis discovered that reflex tears are 98% water, whereas emotional tears also contain stress hormones which get excreted from the body through crying. After studying the composition of tears, Dr. Frey found that emotional tears shed these hormones and other toxins which accumulate during stress. Additional studies also suggest that crying stimulates the production of endorphins, our body’s natural pain killer and “feel-good” hormones.”
Read more here
5. LIVE IN THE PRESENT MOMENT
My family and I have had to learn to live one day at a time, especially for the first two years, because that is all we could do. Thinking of never seeing Brett again in this life was more than we could bear. Each morning I would wake up and think, “I can get through today without Brett.” Thinking of the future without him, even only as far into it as the next day, was too hard. We learned that God’s grace and provision are always with us in the present moment. We don’t have the grace and strength for the future yet but we will when it gets here in real time. Now that it is almost three years later, I am able to think about the future without my son physically present in it without it causing me anxiety. Two years ago I could not do that. God has given me the grace to live in the present moment with joy & sorrow peacefully coexisting in my heart and, at the same time, with much hope for the future even though Brett will not be a part of it physically. I know that it is His desire is to do the same for everyone. Living in anticipatory anxiety about the difficulty entailed in carrying a particular cross is a recipe for depression and poor health – physically and psychologically.
The image below lists some other green remedies for grief from St. Thomas Aquinas:
What has helped you in your grief?
Some of GOD’S SUPER-GREEN (SUPERNATURAL) GIFTS TO THE BEREAVED
These super-green gifts require supernatural Faith in order for them to release their healing effects in our soul. This kind of Faith is a gift given to us by God in Baptism but it is given to us in seed form. The other sacraments, especially the Eucharist, a life of prayer, reading scripture, obedience to God’s will, serving others, etc. all nurture the growth of Faith in our souls but there are many other gifts that nurture its growth as well.
Our faith can be likened to a channel or a pipeline of God’s healing grace. It opens our souls to receive the fullness of God’s presence in our suffering and it elevates our suffering to a supernatural level; it allows God to bring a greater good out of it. This is what our loved ones who we are grieving over desire for us. They are cheering us on!
(If your Faith is weak, ask God to increase your Faith. If you are a baptized Catholic but haven’t been to Mass for a while, seek reconciliation with God by going to the sacrament of Reconciliation. If you are not baptized, enter R.C.I.A at your local Catholic Church and receive the gift of Faith through Baptism. This will open the door to so much grace and healing in your life!)
Some of the super-green gifts from Christ that I have found to be immensely helpful in the healing process are the Eucharist, Redemptive Suffering and the understanding of Purgatory. I have experienced miracles of healing in my broken heart through Christ’s presence through these channels of his grace that our beautiful Catholic Faith offers us.
1. THE EUCHARIST
The strength of receiving the Risen Christ in Holy Communion is so amazing. Carrying our crosses is hard. We need him. In the Eucharist His strength begins where our natural ability ends and little by little he pours it into our hearts, minds and souls. You cannot always detect it sensibly but, like an antibiotic or a vitamin, you know from hindsight the effects. Not only that, our loved ones are at Mass with us every time we attend. We are worshiping God with them there. Our Mass on earth is a participation in the Heavenly liturgy. WOW! Have you heard of the phrase “I’ll see you in the Eucharist?”
2. REDEMPTIVE SUFFERING
To me the waves of grief can wash over me like a tidal wave and it can literally feel like I am drowning and the water feels like the Dead Sea if I don’t know what to do with it. When I offer each wave of grief to the Lord as my sacrifice it changes it into Living Water because he takes each one I give him, unites it with his perfect sacrifice and uses it as a channel of grace for others. This increases the flow of grace into the world. He allows us to see some of what he uses it for here and now but most of what he does with our offering will be seen in heaven.
It can be helpful to make a prayer list and as each wave comes, take out your list and pray “I offer this suffering for….” This is what we are doing at Mass – If you think about the words of the “morning offering” that we might have learned as children. We are at Mass to offer ourselves with Jesus to the Father for the salvation of the world and because we are members of His Body on earth (Cf. 1 Cor 12:12-31; Col 1:18; 2:18-20; Eph. 1:22-23; 3:19; 4:13) and he lives in us (Galatians 2:20), our offering has merit – eternal value. What a high calling we have! If all bereaved people knew this, what a difference it could make in finding meaning and a mission in their suffering!
To learn more about how to make your whole day an offering for your loved one who has died go here
3. PURGATORY
The church teaches that unless a person has an “ST.” (as in Saint) in front of their name we cannot assume that they are already enjoying the Beatific Vision in heaven and because of that, we should continue to offer prayers and sacrifices (suffrages) for them to aid them in their journey to full union with God. There is a very real exchange of spiritual goods – they cannot help themselves but they can intercede for us and they will if we ask them. We pray and offer our good works for them and they intercede for us so the relationship continues even now but in a new way. We have experienced many blessings through my son’s intercession and I know I am helping him too. This is so good for a grieving heart! It gives us something concrete and effective to “do” with our grief. It is also a great incentive to grow in holiness because as we grow in holiness our prayers and works become more fruitful for our loved ones.
Pope Francis speaks of this in his POST-SYNODAL APOSTOLIC EXHORTATION AMORIS LÆTITIA OF THE HOLY FATHER FRANCIS #’s 253-258.
Here is part of that:
“257. One way of maintaining fellowship with our loved ones is to pray for them. The Bible tells us that “to pray for the dead” is “holy and pious” (2 Macc 12:44-45). “Our prayer for them is capable not only of helping them, but also of making their intercession for us effective”. The Book of Revelation portrays the martyrs interceding for those who suffer injustice on earth (cf. Rev 6:9-11), in solidarity with this world and its history. Some saints, before dying, consoled their loved ones by promising them that they would be near to help them. Saint Therese of Lisieux wished to continue doing good from heaven. Saint Dominic stated that “he would be more helpful after death… more powerful in obtaining graces”. These are truly “bonds of love”, because “the union of the wayfarers with the brethren who sleep in the Lord is in no way interrupted… [but] reinforced by an exchange of spiritual goods”.
If we accept death, we can prepare ourselves for it. The way is to grow in our love for those who walk at our side, until that day when “death will be no more, mourning and crying and pain will be no more” (Rev 21:4). We will thus prepare ourselves to meet once more our loved ones who have died. Just as Jesus “gave back to his mother” (cf. Lk 7:15) her son who had died, so it will be with us. Let us not waste energy by dwelling on the distant past. The better we live on this earth, the greater the happiness we will be able to share with our loved ones in heaven. The more we are able to mature and develop in this world, the more gifts will we be able to bring to the heavenly banquet.”
St. Thomas Aquinas teaches that even if our loved ones are already in heaven and we continue to pray and offer sacrifices for them, especially the Mass, their “accidental glory” (their intimacy with God and their intercessory power) increases because love (charity) is always creative and even in heaven we will be growing for all eternity.
Luise January 13, 2019 at 6:01 am
Please do not bring God into this. For many, there is no God, and I think this is a cruel and inconsiderate response
Elysse February 11, 2019 at 12:07 am
Terri, thank you for your comments. I especially found the part regarding the Eucharist to be profoundly meaningful and comforting. Truly, thank you.
Lisa February 28, 2019 at 4:03 am
Thank you Terri
Dazzler January 1, 2019 at 6:45 pm
Thanks for the list, it’s very helpful, along with all the comments.
Death is one of the only certainties in life but it still comes as a complete shock and feels unbearable.
Tiffany January 10, 2019 at 12:56 am
Yes, thank you. My mom went (I can’t write the d-word yet) less than 24 hours ago. She was my best friend. I overheard my dad telling my niece that my two sisters will hurt but I will hurt more because of the bond we had. This felt strangely good—he gets it. I am worried because right now I just want to follow her out of this bleak life. Of course I can’t—that would wreck my friends and family.
Anyway, it’s good to be on this site as I figure out how to deal with this feeling of hopelessness, fear and sadness.