The Myth of the Grief Timeline

How long does it take to fall in love?

How many seconds pass before a parent loves their newborn child?

How many kisses before boy is head over heels for girl?

And how many tears are shed before girl gets over boy?

How many arguments and rivalries can the bonds of siblinghood withstand?

How many heart-to-hearts and late night phone calls before you know a friend is true?

These are silly questions, aren’t they? They’re like riddles with no answer. There’s no scale to measure love or to quantify the bonds of friendship and family.

It reminds me of one of my favorite lullabies, appropriately titled ‘The Riddle’. It’s a really simple song that my mother used to sing when I was young. It goes…

I gave my love a cherry that had no stone.
I gave my love a chicken that had no bone.
I told my love a story that had no end.
I gave my love a baby, with no cryin’.
 
How can there be a cherry that has no stone?
How can there be a chicken that has no bone?
Who ever heard a story that never ends?
How can there be a baby with no cryin’?
 
Well a cherry when it’s bloomin’, it has no stone.
A chicken when it’s pippen’, it has no bone
And the story of I love you will never end.
A baby when it’s sleeping, there’s no cryin’.

“The story of I love you will never end”; what a beautiful lyric.  What a true lyric.

Love, connection and caring, these are things that live on; they don’t just end….you know it…I know it…it’s common sense. So why then do we often hear this questions like these?

“How long does grief last? When will it end? When will I be over it?”

If grief is the result of losing someone we love and care for, then there’s no logic that can be applied or formula that can be used in determining how long it will last.  If you don’t believe me, just give it a try.

X = how many years you knew the person

Y= all the ways you loved, needed, relied on and adored them

6 = number of months after which extreme grief responses are not considered ‘normal’

5 = stages of grief according to Kubler-Ross

4 = number of grief tasks according to Worden

6 = number of grief processes beginning with the letter ‘R’ according to Rando

8 = number of grief horcruxes that must be overcome according to Eleanor’s Harry Potter Grief Model

Hang on let me put this all in my calculator….stand by…still computing…okay so according to my calculations it will take approximately 13,824,000 days to get over grief . That’s about 37,873 years. Here’s the good news, if Litsa and I live until 80 then we’ll be here for you for the next 48 of those years give or take. Yikes, that’s not very long. Let’s move on.

The idea of a grief timeline is somewhat of a misnomer. Anyone familiar with grief understands that associated feelings, setbacks, breakthroughs, roadblocks, triggers, and resolutions can occur at unexpected, unpredictable and inexplicable times and durations.

Grief is not a race with a start and finish line, it’s a labyrinth with twists and turns and dead ends. Grief is like trying to swim past the break in the ocean – you wade in but every once in a while a wave comes up and knocks you back a few feet. You’re still deeper than when you started, but not as deep as you were before the wave hit.

Grief cannot be mapped on a timeline, although typically its intensity should be negatively correlated with time. This means the more time that passes, the less extreme and agonizing grief feelings should be. There will still be bad days, but overall it’s average intensity will diminish. It looks a little something like this…

photo-4.jpg

So feelings of grief will diminish, but not disappear. Grief is infinitas which means ‘being without finish’ . Grief doesn’t end, but with time it should look different – more peaceful, hopeful, constructive and positive.

Here are a few small indicators you might be making progress in your grief. I find it important to note, you can take steps forward, yet still grieve your loved one. Just because you return to work, date, or decide to have a child does not mean you won’t continue to grieve the person you lost. The capacity you have to be happy, enjoy life, and love others exists in addition to the love you feel for your deceased loved ones. Because love…love is infinitas.

  • You start to feel just a little more ‘normal’
  • You have more good days than bad
  • You experience an increase in energy and motivation
  • You remember memories fondly as opposed to experiencing them as grief triggers
  • You can constructively think about the loss of your loved one and the impact it’s had on your life
  • Your sleep patterns return to normal
  • You experience feelings of optimism about the future
  • Improvement in performance at work
  • You’re able to focus on personal health and wellbeing
  • You feel ready to date again, have more children, and/or make new friends.
  • Your relationships feel more functional and healthy
  • You feel as though you are ‘rejoining the human race’
  • You feel ready to get out of the house
  • You experience an increase in desire for emotional and physical intimacy

In the words of Dylan Mckay – you know the drill – sign up to receive our posts straight to your e-mail inbox.

March 28, 2017

7 responses on "The Myth of the Grief Timeline"

  1. I appreciate your post on grieving, I have many things in life that I grieve for, and feel loss for, from early childhood to more recent times. I also have bipolar disorder and emotions are at the forefront of my existence. Nothing can replace the loss we experience, though as you said, in time it become less intense. Unfortunately my mental condition tends to get in the way of acceptance of loss, and not just loss of loved ones, but loss of pets, and my way in life. I enjoyed reading your tips, and I am learning through counselling, tides come in and tides go out, just like emotions.

  2. In Chinese medicine, the heart is considered the mind. This article is so true about the progress or procession of moving through the grief process and always having a piece of that person with you for YOUR lifetime. It’s not the procession of moving through the grief process that’s the problem. It’s the getting stuck and not moving forward. In Chinese acupuncture they even have several specific protocols for people that become stuck as if the person died yesterday when it’s been 20 years or more.
    My spiritual belief system is that we are here for three distinct purposes that we can take with us into the next life: our association with others, what we have learned while we were here, and our emotional growth. If in fact these are the purpose of life then it reflects that we would grieve our association with others, human or otherwise. But it’s OUR journey to grow emotionally through this separation. Sure they still exist even though they are not physically with us. I believe they are with us energetically. I believe that is part of why we have chakras and acupuncture points and channels and auras – so we can communicate with our higher power and those that have passed that are now energy beings.

    In my journey, after a year of grieving like they died yesterday, I finally had to face the realization that this was no longer healthy grieving. I painfully took all the photos down and placed them out of sight so I did not have a constant reminder that kept my heart (mind) bloody and unhealed. This very ceremony was profoundly difficult and incredibly liberating. After two years of changing the false belief systems in my head to more positive and hopeful thought patterns, such as I have my association with them energetically and they quide and protect me and they want me to advance emotionally in this world, to find a good balance of love and happiness without them physically in this world with me – I now have their photos, just one or two photos, enough to bring me a pang of bittersweet joy when I see them on display. It’s a journey and I really don’t want to have to learn this lesson yet again so I’m hoping I can be productive in growing emotionally through this so I don’t have to do it again and so I don’t become stuck. That’s my journey and I’m sticking to it!

  3. If it’s “without finish,” why are they always using that word ‘Closure’ especially with people who lost their loved ones to homicide?
    I secretly can’t stand the word and I didn’t feel anything even remotely like whatever closure is until they found AND dispatched Osama bin Laden, one of the “people” responsible for planning the operation that killed one of my loved ones along with thousands of other families’ loved ones.
    I didn’t believe bin Laden’s continued existence was going to help the world. In fact they found evidence in his hide-out of him planning another situation like September 11. He wanted to do another one on the tenth “anniversary.”
    They published that fact in the news but since they only did it once, compared to the repeated times they talked of other things, most people don’t even remember it. But I was relieved to hear he couldn’t harm anyone else instead of being sorry that a so-called “fellow human being” had died. Some people mentioned it. I couldn’t feel for him when I made the effort to do so. I didn’t feel happy he was dead, just relieved and I never felt like celebrating it bc I don’t believe in doing that with ANY death, not even ones that happen by execution.
    People told me I should’ve been over it 2 years later – when I could barely feel any emotions in relation to what had happened. Then when I got mostly through the part of losing my daughter’s dad, by finding another relationship, I wonder all the time if I’m being callous because I found another person I’m interested in. So even when you do feel like you’re moving forward you wonder if it’s even right to do it.

  4. Thank you for the info. It has been 2 1/2 months since my husband died and I am in the middle of your list of things. I feel like I am making progress. I feel guilty “moving on” though. It feels wrong. I went through a similar thing 27 years ago when my son died. I did not have the support that I have now. I am thankful for your website. It is helping me put things in perspective. Like you said, there are good days and then there are bad days. And then there are the days when that wave hits. I know I need to take care of myself but I feel so guilty doing things that make me happy or doing things that he didn’t want me/allow me to do that I really want to do. (I resented him for that). I am struggling with “living again” part.

  5. This beautiful post came at just the right time for me, thank you for your warm, comforting, empathetic words, it’s four months today that my lovely Mum so suddenly left us….the jumble of emotions all you mentions, the set backs, the waves that have pushed me down and over you I’ve so so been there, but also seeing little glimmers of joy and feeling more me too, grief’s a bumpy journey, reading this makes me realise I’m doing ok. Thank you What’s Your Grief, so nice to know you’re there xx

  6. Thanks for bringing back the memory Eleanor. I vividly remember the song growing up.

  7. I grew up with that song and never really paid attention to the lyrics. Beautiful, beautiful!
    I am getting better after what seems an eternity of the deepest sorrow I’ve ever experienced in my lifetime. It’s reassuring to know that whatever you’re feeling, it’s right for you. I was very confused, for about 4 months, about this grief and grieving. My brain was befuddled. Thankfully time does help and the awful memories are slowly being replaced by many fond and fun memories. Whew! Grieving is exhausting!

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