What Not To Say part II: Guilt and Grief

We posted a couple weeks ago about what not to say to someone grieving.  In case you missed it, our list is here.

The next week we were inspired by an incredible post on the blog Love, Light, Laughter and Chocolate about the loss of Meghan, a little girl whose story and memory are changing the world by raising awareness about securing furniture and other home safety.  Kim’s post on how she remembers Meghan every year on her Angel Day is a grief must-read.  If you are not one of the 100,000 people and counting who have already read it you can find it here

But what struck me almost as deeply as Kim’s original post was a follow-up she posted a couple of weeks later called “you can’t help how you feel”.  Hundreds of people tried to comfort Kim after her original post with words you may have also wanted to say her.  The minute I read her post I realized our what-not-to-say list was missing a big one, and it was the phrase she was inundated with after Meghan died and after her post: “don’t feel guilty, it isn’t your fault”.

Sound familiar?  So many losses come with guilt – from accidental deaths to suicides to overdoses and countless others.  When someone expresses guilt around a death, others immediately begin with the reasons not to feel guilty: you couldn’t have guiltknown, you did your best, it isn’t your fault.  Like so many of the other phrases on our list, this comes from a place of goodintention.  No one wants a good person to feel guilty.  Guilt sucks. The person didn’t intend for the death to happen.  In many cases it really, truly wasn’t their fault.  So of course we want to tell them not to feel guilty.   Here is the problem: you can’t change how someone feels.  Sit with that a minute.  I am going to say it again.  You can’t change how someone feels.

Now, the cognitive behavioral therapist in me knows there is a whole other discussion around thoughts and feelings and therapy that we could have here, but that is a conversation for another day.  What we are talking about here is what you as a regular old friend can and should do for someone grieving (or what you can’t and shouldn’t do).  One more time: you can’t change how someone feels.  So stop undermining their feelings.  Stop arguing.  Stop letting your discomfort with their feelings interfere with your ability to listen, support, validate, and generally be there for them.

We suck at death, dying, and grief in our society.  We don’t want to sit with pain and despair, but we usually can grant those emotions to grievers (at least for a little while).  Guilt though?  That is just too much for us to sit with.  Something about guilt makes us think it is an emotion we should dispute and try to quash.  Guilt suddenly makes us think we have permission to argue with a griever about their feelings.  Rather than listening, accepting, and exploring how our friend is feeling, we decide to tell them what they are feeling is wrong.  We imagine that someone who feels guilt is damaged, needs to be fixed, or that they are “stuck”.  We make up a story that one cannot feel guilt and still be a healthy, functioning, well-adjusted person.

Well, meet Kim.  Check out her blog.  Read Meghan’s story.  Check out Meghan’s Hope.  Kim feels guilty about her daughter’s death and that is okay.  Really.  She isn’t consumed by it.  She doesn’t fixate on it at the expense of other things in her life.  She has been able to acknowledge it while continuing to grow.  What does she say about her guilt?  “I don’t wallow in it.  I’ve processed it.  I’ve accepted it. I’ve integrated it.  It’s part of who I am.  It’s changed who I am.  I can only hope I’m a better mother, educator, and human being for it.  I can only try to prevent it from happening to others”.  Dealing with so many feelings that come with grief is not about getting over them.  It is not about “letting them go” or “moving on”.  It is about integrating them.  It is about knowing those emotions may be a part of us, but they don’t define us.

So next time you are thinking of telling a griever how to feel or how not to feel, think of Kim.  She is sharing her story and she is saving lives.  She is reflective of what she has been through and the feelings that come with that.  She is keeping Meghan’s memory alive and she is keeping others from the same tragic loss.   She is writing and mommy-ing and eating chocolate.  She still feels guilty and that’s okay.  Really.

Think your guilt or grief might be the unhealthy, complicated kind?  Not all guilt is healthy so if you are worried check out our post on normal vs not-so-normal grief.

April 12, 2017

8 responses on "What Not To Say part II: Guilt and Grief"

  1. The very very difficult thing for my daughter and family is the Sudden Loss of my grandson on thanksgiving night after he had dinner with us and he had Just come home after 4+ months of Recovery Treatment and was Clean and Sober; He had been Impacted by a Gun put to his head during a Home Invasion and suffered from PTSD and the pain of trauma caused his Addiction!?!? Unfortunately the Treatment didn’t help his Mental Health Illness and Only #12 hours after we had dinner he was gone and my daughter found him “ Cold and with the Rosary 📿 Beads I had given him. I have tried not to keep replaying the Day and the way that he looked and did I miss the Signs!?!? He was Smiling Across the Table but there were * Tears 😭 In His Eyes!?! 🧠👱‍♂️

  2. about a 2 months ago i had lost my baby and even though it was my decison i grive heavily i sleep all day up all night with a bad head ache crying my eyes out about my decison at first i was relived at first i didnt feel nothing i put up this front but as time goes by i feel so much and say nothing i wish i didnt make this decison i wish i was stronger to live with it

  3. Guilt is the hardest emotion for me. Not being in proper contact with my son before his tragic death. I appreciated & loved him so much. I was never happier than when I was running around after him. But I was dealing with depression & medical issues the last time we spoke on the phone. I didn’t tell him that and I may have sounded less connected with him than I normally am. He wanted to visit ( we live in different countries) but I said he should wait for the new house to be ready, since my house is so cold & damp – we had recently rented out my partner’s house, where we had been living, to finance the building of a new one. I was looking forward to having my son over as much as he wanted. That was always the point of the new house, having family over as much as possible. He said he looked forward to that . He obviously felt the need to be away from his home at that time as he booked a holiday abroad to see a friend and party – I didn’t know he had done that or I would have woken from my depression and insisted we rent somewhere here for him to stay.
    Last week he fell from his hotel room and was found dead by the porter. I don’t know if it was an accident or intentional.

    I have considered suicide but I couldn’t put my family through that. Cancer would be a blessing. This grief is Hell on earth. I know that if we could have been close on the day he died, it would be easier. I know that because guilt is overwhelming me.
    How do parents cope with attending a child’s funeral? Or visiting a gravestone?
    I’m not sure if I can live with this pain. I don’t believe in God but I’m researching NDE’s, hoping they are real, which means I might see him again. I’m fooling myself.

    I just want my son back x

    • That is awful. Im so sorry for your loss, and the guilt you felt and had to go through. I hope you have found some way to connect and enjoy and see beauty and cope ❤️

  4. I think that the most important and wonderful things that anyone said to me was my Sister’s response. It was the day after my husband’s death of an overdose. I told her I was feeling guilty that I was somewhat relieved it was over. I think she was about to give me the classic line of “don’t blame yourself” because she started with, “Don’t…”
    And then she paused. After a few moments she said this:
    “You are going to feel a lot feelings. The important thing is to just let yourself feel them. There isn’t a right or wrong. They are feelings that need to come out–good, bad or otherwise. Now is not the time to examine them. Just let yourself feel.”

  5. I lost my nan last August she was everything to me I cannot live with the guilt I feel that I didn’t do more I’ve spoken to counsellors etc everytime I’ve felt guilt I’ve treated my beautiful wife like rubbish put her through hell now I’ve also lost the woman of my life through pain and her suffering I hate myself for what I’ve done but I can’t cope with the guilt

  6. Thank you for this post! I lost my daughter in April and I to, feel the guilt that Kim feels. And you’d be surprised at the things people say when they think they’re “helping”. I’ve heard, “At least you still have your son.”(but I don’t have my daughter!) or “everything happens for a reason”(well when you can tell me the reason for my daughter dying, let me know!) or my LEAST favorite, “You have to let her go. She can’t rest if she knows you’re still crying”( that’s by far the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard!!). So I’m so glad that you’re making people aware. Sometimes you don’t have to say anything. Just be there…

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