4 Tips to Deal With People Who Say the Wrong Thing When You’re Grieving.

Coping with Grief / Coping with Grief : Litsa


People say and do the wrong things so often when we’re grieving. It can be annoying at the best of times and deeply hurtful at the worst of times. It can feel like a total failure of empathy from the people trusted to be there for you. We spend a lot of time trying to educate people on how to do and say the right things. But we don’t always spend enough time talking about what you can do when they do or say the wrong thing in grief.

As usual, a disclaimer: there is no “right” or “wrong” way to deal with your support system. It will vary based on the situation, you, your bandwidth, and the person or people in you’re life. In any instance, you’ll want to assess who the person is, how close you are with them, etc. Assuming it is someone whose relationship is important to you, we have a few tips to consider.

#1: Note their intentions

When people say or do the wrong thing, often they have good intentions, they just screw it up. They rush you because they don’t want you to be sad or suffering anymore. They look for a silver lining. They’re trying to connect with you but make it about themselves. When someone says the wrong thing, take a minute to reflect on their intention. It can help you to have a little more empathy for them (hard when they have just said something awful, I know) and that will make some of the upcoming tips just a *little* bit easier.

#2 Remember that good intentions are not an excuse

If you felt hurt by someone, that is a valid feeling whether they meant to hurt you or not. On the one hand, we want to be empathetic to people having good intentions and screwing up. On the other hand, that doesn’t mean you need to give them a pass. You might know that they didn’t mean for what they said or did to be hurtful, but that doesn’t change that it was hurtful. Letting it slide because their intentions weren’t malicious doesn’t help them to become a better support person to you or others. Imagine if you said something, even with the best of intentions, that was extremely hurtful to a friend or family member who was already suffering. What would you want them to do? Let it slide, leaving you unknowing and likely to hurt them or someone else again, or let you know so you can have your behavior match your intention next time?

#3 Provide Feedback

I know, when you’re already suffering and just want support, giving someone feedback that they weren’t helpful or supportive doesn’t sound easy. But there is real research that shows it can help! More than one study has found that grieving people who have found ways to give their friends and family feedback about both what they need and also when the person has said or done allows people to feel their support systems are more supportive. And that would be nice, right?

Now, we have heard ALL the reasons people don’t want to do this. Things like I don’t have the energy, the person isn’t worth it if they didn’t know how to be a good friend without instruction, I don’t want a friend who I have to help learn to support me, etc. If that’s where you are, that’s where you are. We’re big believers that just a little bit of effort giving feedback to a well-intentioned friend can go a long way, so we always suggest giving it a go at least once.

What does giving feedback sound like?

#4 Create Boundaries

When you’re grieving, you may find that people try to insert themselves into your grief in ways you don’t want. Perhaps it is giving you advice. Maybe it is asking you questions you aren’t comfortable with. Maybe it is coming over to check in unannounced. Whatever it may be, remember that you can set boundaries. Boundaries can be tricky, but in a most basic way the process looks like this:

  • Self-reflect and determine what your boundary is.
  • Name your boundary is a simple, concrete sentence.
  • Be aware of the thoughts and feelings associated with your boundary.
  • Share your boundary with the person or people who need to hear it.
  • Stick to your boundary and, when appropriate, give feedback to someone who knows your boundary and continues trying to violate it.

Boundaries look different for everyone and they will often differ at different times and when you are with different people, so we can’t give you a boundary checklist! But one example is that on some days or with some people, you might not want to talk about how the person died. If this is the case and someone asks, you can hold this boundary by practicing responses.

We invite you to share your experiences, questions, and resource suggestions with the WYG community in the discussion section below.

Let’s be grief friends.

We post a new article to What’s Your Grief about once a week. Subscribe to stay up to date on all our posts.

Related Blog Posts

Related Blog Posts

See More

2 Comments on "4 Tips to Deal With People Who Say the Wrong Thing When You’re Grieving."

Click here to leave a Comment
  1. Harriet  October 26, 2020 at 5:09 pm Reply

    After my 20 yes old daughter got murdered, a few months after that I met a new partner+my way of dealing with the tragedy was focused on him,ie, days out,meals
    out, he was kind generous understanding. But my so called long term friend used
    to come out with us. It was only toward end of our friendship I was told by partner
    so called friend used to say to him,”. I keep going on about it!” This was reg how could I cope, +”why are you helping her?!” Also to my face she says ,after I said I really can’t cope
    anymore, “but it’s been18 months,shouldv got over it by now!!” +”don’t go on about it”in very early days.
    Yet I carried on being her friend+,finally came to my senses 4 years ago+cut her off.
    These comments from some1 age 67 who still had both parents alive,+in good health
    +both her children.+same husband of 30 years,good childhood etc. Yet I’ve had traumatic poverty stricken
    childhood, dad died at age 6 ,mum nursed him as well as looking after 5 kids under age 6.
    Then a sexually abusive violent stepfather appears from age 10-16 when I left home+fended for myself whereas so called friend always had parents help+ relied
    on them until she left home to marry at 26. I could go on reg my ongoing trauma s but
    the fact that I never got to say goodbye to my girl+the fact that she was found
    after 6 wks +ID by teeth? How can people be so cruel+understanding.?Not to mention the
    victim support lady who encouraged me to go to the funeral,I really didn’t want to.
    I had to have a few whiskeys+take some with me+that was my 1st funeral+il NEVER
    ever go to another. The VS lady didn’t even have any children +after a few wks she says
    to me, “now I think you should start getting out+about!!” How about a separate
    section reg child loss as its unique +always far more complicated than losing a parent
    as your children are not supposed to go before you,even if 1 is prepared, ie, cancer.
    Thank goodnes for compassionate friends online support+murder online support groups.
    My life is still hell after 14 years, gets worse, no better, +il put on my mask each day at work, shops etc,
    to make others feel better until the day I die. Harriet

    • IsabelleS  October 27, 2020 at 10:47 am Reply

      Harriet, I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter and for the trauma you have endured. You are so strong to have gone through all of this. I want you to know that you are not alone, and that what you are feeling is all normal and valid. It may be helpful to seek out the support of a counselor trained in grief, which you can find here: https://grief.com/grief-counselor-directory/. My heart goes out to you!

Leave a Comment

YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS WILL NOT BE PUBLISHED. Required fields are marked *