Feeling Nothing During Grief: The Experience of Emotional Numbness

Understanding Grief Understanding Grief : Eleanor Haley

There are so many things one can feel in this life – anger, joy, jealousy, love, shame, happiness, embarrassment, amusement, sadness, euphoria, frustration. The roller coaster of emotion whips over high peaks, spins, and dips, over and over again – it’s thrilling, and it’s scary, and it’s one hell of a ride.

Except now, I want you to imagine that one day you get on the roller coaster, and as it climbs, falls, twists, and turns, you realize that you feel nothing. You are sitting in a tiny cart being whipped around like a wet noodle, wondering why everyone else is laughing and throwing their hands in the air.

The technical word for feeling nothing is anhedonia. Anhedonia is one of the main symptoms of major depressive disorder, but someone might also experience this sort of reaction in response to things like anxiety or trauma.

In grief, it is common to experience emotional numbness, especially in the days to weeks following the death. Under any circumstance, feeling nothing feels awful.

What does ‘feeling nothing’ feel like?

Anhedonia may be described as the loss of interest in previously rewarding or enjoyable activities such as friends, family, hobbies, work, food, sex, and laughter, but some might say this description pales in comparison to real-life experience. It’s actually pretty difficult to explain feelings of nothingness to people who feel a general something-ness.   2“Well, sometimes I feel like I’m melting.”puddle “And sometimes I feel like I’m disappearing.” dissapear Unfortunately, feelings of melting and disappearing can be difficult for people to relate to.

Feeling nothing is not akin to feeling ‘okay,’ underwhelmed, or unenthused. Feeling nothing is more like feeling empty, dead inside, emotionless, as though you have nothing to contribute, or as though you can’t relate to the feelings and emotions of others (thus rendering social interaction problematic).

It’s hard to understand how the absence of feeling can actually equal extreme pain and distress, but it does.  When you feel nothing, the world seems to make less sense.  You look in the mirror and barely recognize yourself, without emotions you feel alien and it’s hard to imagine being a person ever again.

The emotional numbness sometimes experienced in grief can feel especially disturbing because after a loved one dies you expect to feel so much.  You might wonder, “What is wrong with me?!?!  Why don’t I feel anything?!? Maybe I’m not a human being at all.  Oh no, what if I’m a sociopath?!?  Or a robot?!?”   feelings It seems like everyone else seems pretty in touch with their feelings.  They’re crying, they’re letting it all out, they’re encouraging you to let it all out.

Friends and family show up in support and say things like, “I can only imagine everything you must be feeling right now” and send you cards that say, “tears are a reflection of love”, and you feel guilty because you’re not crying.

You know you’re sad about the death, but you can’t actually access the emotions and so you feel different than others grieving the death and you worry others will think you’re apathetic and question your love for the person who has died.

Feeling nothing when you’re supposed to feel intense sadness is really disorienting.  You need to feel feelings again STAT, so you try to coax your emotions out by doing things like picking fights. fightOr by engaging in reckless behavior in hopes of feeling something….anything.  Picking fights and reckless behavior sometimes work, but they also come with undesired consequences.wine

Will I ever feel feelings again?

The good news is, in the absence of disorders like depression, bipolar, or anxiety, sooner or later your feelings should return. But be forewarned, sometimes feelings return with a vengeance. UntitledOverall, I want to reassure you that you’re most likely capable of experiencing feelings.  I also want you to know that it’s normal to feel numb while grieving; this does not reflect anything negative about you as a person or your love for the person who has died.

That said, if you’ve been feeling this way for longer than you’re comfortable with, or if it is having a profound and negative impact on your ability to cope with your losses and engage in daily life, then you might want to talk to a licensed mental health professional.

Also, if you have been experiencing anhedonia i.e. feeling nothing for a long time (weeks or months) under any circumstances, we recommend talking to a licensed counselor.  A counselor might be able to help you understand what you’re going through, identify broader disorders, and support you in finding your way out of the abyss.

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208 Comments on "Feeling Nothing During Grief: The Experience of Emotional Numbness"

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  1. Tangi  April 21, 2015 at 10:08 pm Reply

    I often wonder if I’m processing the loss of my mom properly. I’m in a grief support group and see a therapist every other week. Yet I feel a certain “distance” from the actually feelings of loss as it relates to my mom’s passing 4 months ago. I laughed at the sociopath comment because I was just self-examing yesterday and made a mental note to research the signs of being a sociopath. This post helps. Sigh…death sux!

    • Misty  May 8, 2016 at 9:57 pm Reply

      I am feeling this since the loss of my mother it has almost been a year

      • Laura  October 11, 2016 at 6:19 pm

        I’m in a similar situation. I lost my mom 3 weeks ago. We were extremely close and it was unexpected. I’m in my 20s so finding people to understand is hard to come by. Lots of people try to relate their 100 yr old grandma dying when they were a kid to the loss I feel. It just pisses me off. I’ve come to the point of nothing. I rarely cry. At random times a wave will hit me and I’ll cry hard for a second and then it passes. I feel an intense pressure to get over it or move on. I don’t know what to do with the nothingness.

      • Vanda  October 22, 2016 at 12:44 pm

        I lost my mom five weeks ago on Monday. The feeling if disbelief is still strong, emotionally I’m torn apart. We weren’t really close but after spending time, mainly her last few weeks I feel we did again have that bond which was lost many years ago. I’m struggling to keep it together most days. I’m thankful I was there when she went and privalidged to have carried her to her final resting place. My heart goes to all that’s lost parents.
        My father passed when I was 13, so understanding him going was so different to this

      • Johnathan  January 3, 2017 at 10:22 am

        @Laura I’ve lost my mother about 8 months ago, and I’ve lost my grandfather, grandmother, grandfather (10 months, 3 years, 4 years).
        I’m also in my 20s.
        Losing both of them is hard. I even think that losing my grandmother was harder, as I was going through a horrible time, and it was my strongest close encounter with death.
        Losing someone is an horrible experience. God. It’s so awful.

      • Thelma  November 20, 2016 at 5:29 pm

        Same here…I feel like I’m so lost. I’m missing her more everyday.

      • Jude  December 22, 2016 at 5:01 am

        Its been a year since my mum passed and I still feel numb. She had cjd and it was sudden but the most horrific thing I have ever witnessed. 6 months later my dad hung himself because it was all to much. I miss them both everyday as we were really close to the point we were even neighbours. Since all this I’ve had the stress of clearing their house, dealing with solicitors and funerals. It’s been so hard with 2 children and work to cope with. Some days I feel like I’m going crazy, my head is constantly fuzzy and I’m haunted by the memories of it all. I’m trying to be strong and get through christmas for my children and my sister who is now living with us,but there are days when I wonder if I can carry on at all!

    • Catherine  November 11, 2016 at 1:32 am Reply

      I felt mostly numb for about 18 months, I was deeply in shock. My Mum’s death was sudden and I was at the end of my pregnancy with my daughter. There was so much to do and organise, I just kept going….until I couldn’t. When we scattered her ashes it broke me mentally and emotionally, and I have been trying to pick up the pieces since.

  2. Andrea  April 22, 2015 at 1:04 pm Reply

    Tomorrow will be eight months since the tragic loss of my son, my daughter in law and my two year old grandson to what we were told was a murder/suicide. I wish I had found this site and this post months ago. I was seriously concerned that I was dead inside or a soul-less robot as I seemed to be “handling it so well” when all of my life I would have assumed the loss of any one of them would have spontaneously killed me. That was ridiculous of course –I was not handling it well. I was completely numb. I could not cry. I was completely unemotional through the service. I sat in a numb blind stupor for weeks literally at times staring blankly into space for hours. I adored them all and that baby was my heart. Since starting to feel and almost losing my mind – I now see the benefit of that numbness. It is clearly a safety mechanism to keep tragic shock and devastation from completely overwhelming you. I think it allows the grief to seep in a little at a time as you can stand it. Thank you for this post. And by the way – I absolutely love the stick figures.


  3. Robin  April 22, 2015 at 1:51 pm Reply

    Finally, something that makes sense of emotions to me. Comforting to know that I am not alone on this rollercoaster that nobody but God understands! One moment at a time…

  4. Kathleen  April 22, 2015 at 6:30 pm Reply

    I just lost both of my parents one week apart. We’ve cared for them for years/ months in their home. The past two months have been exhausting. My Dad died first, and we had to turn our attention immediately to our mother, who died one week later. We planned a double funeral.
    My dad had a powerful mind and personality and I miss him enormously. I grieved him so deeply the first few days he was gone. Mom died in the early morning hours, and I had stayed up with her all night. Then, a quick turnaround and scramble for a double funeral. It’s been a week now and I feel nothing. But today I went to a grocery store and quickly became overwhelmed.
    I am really tired of people saying “It’s okay to grieve.” I’m tired of my (truly dearest) husband waiting for me to grieve. I find open displays of uncontrolled emotion pretty scary and rather…pitiful. Am I terrible? I just really want to move on…

    • Angela Velasco  June 4, 2016 at 9:37 am Reply

      My dad died of a massive stroke on May 13, 2016, my mom died exactly a week later of a ruptured abdominal aneurysm. Both were unexpected, but your story is so similar to mine, that I had to post.

  5. Maylissa  April 23, 2015 at 5:12 pm Reply

    This post came at a great time for me. Suffering with an “ambiguous loss,” I’ve been on this roller coaster of numbness followed by intense feelings (rage, despair, yearning, panic, “holding my breath,” etc.) for over half a year now. And I’ve experienced prolonged “anhedonia” (oh boy, a NEW term to add to the list! 😉 ) during an even worse, previous loss as well, so it wasn’t altogether foreign to me. I liken the feeling to having a pimple that never comes to a head, while the underground pressure of it slowly drives you crazy! I know it’s a protection device, but it’s just as disorienting and problematic as experiencing all the intense feelings. So this post was a welcome reminder that this, too, is common and normal.
    However, I DO worry that what I really glommed onto here — losing interest in virtually everything that used to define who I was, and that kept me going TOWARD something better during grief — is here to stay this time, since unlike last time, it’s coupled with my despair of ever trusting Life again, and of recurring, bone-tired weariness from other events which caused severe stress that bracketed my latest loss. I suppose some of the numbness could even be coming from that. I’m just so tired of “doing,” period.

  6. Helen Zz  May 1, 2015 at 2:36 pm Reply

    I don’t agree with how you write that if you are feeling nothing you try to pull out emotions by picking fights. I didn’t. I didn’t have energy to do that, and I had no one near me who I could fight with.

    I agree with the rest: feeling guilty for feeling nothing, worrying that others might think the loss wasn’t that bad.

    It’s been 3 months now, and its only been after taking a weeks holiday (a simple holiday filled with sunshine, walking and resting) have my emotions now started to express themselves. Sometimes.

    Sending my love to all those out there who are grieving.

    • Litsa  May 3, 2015 at 1:20 pm Reply

      Helen, I am glad the holiday has helped you to find and express your emotions. It is true that nothing we say on this site will ever be a universal. Grief is so unique for each person. Even things that are common don’t occur for everyone. We try to cover as many topics as we can for that very reason- if one thing isn’t true for you or does’t apply to you, hopefully something else will. Best in your healing and sending our love your way!

  7. Sarah  May 4, 2015 at 2:40 am Reply

    Eleanor, I could totally relate to this post. (And I’m loving the stick figures!) I checked out you sight tonight because I just did a grief project (reupholstering Mom’s old armchair). The armchair turned out great, but it got me thinking about Mom. And about grief. And about how sluggish my grief had become by the time she died. I just remember feeling tired and empty. I don’t even remember crying. still have that tired, empty feeling, but now it is mixed with anger and the injustice of it all. And sometimes, some little, seemingly insignificant thing will get to me, and the tears will well up. Anyway, I’m loving your posts as usual.

  8. Helen Zz  May 4, 2015 at 3:56 am Reply

    Thanks Litsa for the reply – it was nice to get. Brene Brown does a awesome series of talks on being authentic, vulnerable, and she talks about how people numb themselves to get relief (subconsciously or perhaps consciously). She talks about how numbing can take many forms: eating six bars of chocolate, spending hours on Facebook, long lay ins…all of this takes us away from reality and would probably make us feel better if it were in smaller doses: a couple of pieces of chocolate, a chat online for 20 minutes, a lay in for a couple of hours once in a while. She talks about this happening in day to day life. I see the sort of numbing we can get in times of grief as a version of this, where we can’t at that time connect to our emotions – perhaps they feel too big to bear – so we disconnect, feel nothing. Her theory goes that you have to let something in – and I suppose most of us do eventually and with time – to allow joy and the beauty of life to enter. With each crack through which the sadness enters and your mind and brain open up to experience and express that emotion, so too can other emotions enter.

  9. Liz  July 12, 2015 at 6:06 am Reply

    It has been 3 years since my son was killed in an accident and I am only just able to feel love in my heart again. For me it has been a question of having a totally physically numb heart, which I mostly couldn’t even feel beating. I identify with Andrea, sitting in a blind stupor for weeks while other people were crying around me. I felt abnormal, even though before he died I always had intense feelings for my son. In many ways it was a help, like an anaesthetic which I’m only just coming out of. In other ways it was hard to feel the pressure of tears building up inside without being able to cry. I think I felt I could never cry enough tears and if I let them through I would cry for ever. Those of us affected like this can, instead of picking fights, find some forward momentum in helping others and become the ‘strong’ one, but our hidden fragility can make us more vulnerable than others realise.

  10. Liz  July 12, 2015 at 6:59 am Reply

    I also think it is unhelpful that psychologists can be goal oriented when it comes to grief. The dangers of ‘unprocessed grief’ is talked about, and friends urge you to ‘cry it out’ (I first heard that 4 hours after he died). For me the focus is my son, not my feelings. My only goal would be to bring him back, but I can’t.. so I have the rest of my life to experience all the feelings that go along with that. Grief is our response to our loss, not a psychological disorder which can or should be processed in any particular way.

  11. Derek  July 19, 2015 at 6:48 pm Reply

    I lost my wife of 21 years on June 23 2015. my daughters are 17 and 16. Together we exercised the power of attorney to end her life in ICU following cardiac arrest as a result of cancer. we knew she would have no quality of life if somehow, miraculously she recovered in ICU only to be faced by aggressive cancer. I am feeling the numbness – I often criticize myself because I am not utterly destroyed – in fact I am just nothing – I care about practically nothing but the essentials ie. laundry, cleaning, chores, upkeep and for those things they are merely necessities- there is zero satisfaction in them. When all is said and done i have those moments where I lose my sh#t in sorrow, loneliness and despair + the realization that this is FOREVER and maybe its too new to be able to digest but for the most part I am emotionally adrift devoid of any orientation whatsoever. I know my wife wouldn’t want us to be curled up in the fetal position laying in the closet somewhere. I don’t know if my daughters have anhedonia or what but their reaction to this is eerie. it’s as if mom is away and they can take it easy – historically I was usually laissez faire and mom was more task oriented and demanding. I guess the heavy stuff might come home to roost in times of high anxiety or distress later. I definitely want to investigate this feeling more to help me understand it. I am comforted by talking to coroners and physicians as if I am their colleagues and I fear that makes me clinical when all along I couldn’t care less about her symptoms and her metrics…I was only concerned about the person i loved, the person who was to me not the physical manifestation of the person but the energy and the soul. i wear her jewellery and the hairband she had on when she died is on my wrist and I have some of her ashes beside my bed…I never used to care about the material aspect of my beautiful girl. I am so very sad, I guess that isn’t anhedonia so maybe there is hope for me.

    • Elaine  May 8, 2016 at 11:42 pm Reply

      Just read your post about grief from a 2015 I think. Wondering how you are doing with grief now and if it for worse before it got better ??

  12. Faith  November 22, 2015 at 12:39 pm Reply

    My 15-year-old daughter Bailee went to a sleepover at her friends house. I got the call at 5:11 in the morning telling me that they are doing CPR on went to a sleepover at her friends house. I got the call at 5:11 in the morning telling me that “they are doing CPR on Bailee” instantly everything just felt weird. I rushed to 30 minutes to children’s hospital and the whole way there I didn’t know exactly what was going on I didn’t know that they were unable to save her butt in my stomach I felt it and knew that she was gone it was like this empty feeling like a deer being gutted it was just like my whole stomach was empty.
    I got to the hospital and A security guard was waiting for us. He walked us in a back door to the emergency room or a doctor was standing down the hall I knew then before even getting to the doctor that she was not OK. She went into cardiac arrest that morning and after 2 1/2 years I still don’t have an answer as to why this happened to her. We were not able to find anything wrong with her heart during her autopsy and her official cause of death is undetermined. Even as I sat in the emergency room listening to the doctor ( I have no idea what he actually said I had to ask my fiancé months later what he actually said to us ) I just sat there numb thinking what am I supposed to do now? What do you do? How do you leave the hospital without your child? And from then on I was emotionless during her funeral I walked around like a zombie and to this day I worry about how people thought of me that day and even now. I can talk about her and I can talk about the day she was born until the day that she died to anybody who will listen. I have to stop myself from telling people in grocery stores or other places I am not sure why I do this but I don’t cry and it is such a weird feeling. I felt very very guilty after about six months no emotions came and I have waited and waited to just lose it. For some reason her whole life I feared that something horrible was going to happen to and I have waited and waited to just lose it. For some reason her whole life I feared that something horrible was going to happen to her so Imagined this day so many times in my head I thought that I was just crazy and a very overprotective parent but clearly it was mother’s intuition. When I would think those thoughts that something was going to happen to her I could not even imagine how I would live without her and somehow I just lay on this couch every day and have these memories of the emergency room and the funeral and I try to remember more because I only remember maybe 30 minutes of the funeral total. I really thought something was wrong with me until I found Sites like this. My mom died May 31, 2015 after battling cancer for three years and again I have no emotion. I do feel guilty that I think about my daughter and I am way more Devastated still about her being gone and my mom and my mom and I were very close. I don’t know if it is because I was prepared to lose my mom and my daughter I don’t know I just know that grief is such a weird thing and the brain i devastated still about her being gone and my mom and my mom and I were very close. I don’t know if it is because I was prepared to lose my mom and not my daughter I don’t know I just know that grief is such a weird thing and the brain does things in times like this that I didn’t even know existed just blacking out all of your emotions. I do really want to feel. I am obviously sad I am sad every day but never what I have thought about losing my child that I could not cry and just talk about her like it was a movie I saw. I am starting to worry but it has been too long and I know I should have snapped out of this. I am sorry that we are all here talking about this but it is a little reassuring to know that I am not the only person that feels this way.

    • Tangi  November 22, 2015 at 3:42 pm Reply

      How devestating the loss of your daughter is! It’s both unimaginable and incomprehensible. So much so that I think you have become detached in a way. My mom passed Dec 23rd last year. It was and still is incomprehensible. It’s like, intellectually I know she’s gone…but there’s no connection between my heart and my brain…this the detachment. I’m depressed I know this. I’m in a support group and it really helps hearing what others go through as it reassures me that I’m not going crazy. But I also sought individual counseling and feel the need to do so, as the anniversary is approaching and I’m not doing well. My heart goes out to you. I’m glad this site is helping you in some way.

      • Chris Setsuko  April 12, 2016 at 10:51 am

        I am so sorry, I can only imagine your pain but you are very brave. You give me hope. I pray everything works out for you, I’m not really good at this comforting others thing but I just wanted you to know even though I’m a stranger on the internet that you are in my thoughts. I feel the same way and I feel like I’m a terrible person, like, did I really love my best friend that much if I don’t feel anything at all? Why am I doing normal everyday things when I should be curled up in a ball for all eternity? When will I stop feeling this way and start to deal with my emotions for real? These are the questions I have. I am very sorry for your loss.

      • pam belcher  April 28, 2016 at 2:49 pm

        i lost my daughter to cancer in june 2015 and I cant describe the way I feel I relate to youre post cant believer she is gone I love her so much she was 32 and we were best friends too miss her and hard to live without her god gets me thru

    • Jessica  May 18, 2016 at 8:37 pm Reply

      My son was 15 he was having chest pains and said he was fatigued my mom took him to the Adams county hospital they sent him home with chronic bronchitis by the next day even with antibiotics he was having a hard time breathing and chest pain and fever but said he felt a little better then by Wednesday may 11th he was sleeping a lot with chest pain and dizziness I came picked him up drove him to Cincinnati children’s hospital they said he went into cardiac arrest and they worked on him 45 mins I had a autopsy done I’m praying for answers but I’ve been sick my blood pressure is high I feel so exhausted and barely able to function I have no idea how this will ever get better it just don’t seem real.

      • Marijana  September 28, 2016 at 3:03 pm

        So sorry for your lose. I’m angry at the doctors when I hear your story. I lost my brother due to cardiac arrest,, 31 years old, cause of arrest is undetermined, most probably thyroid disease. He was reanimated for hour and a half, spent 51 day in unresponsive somma in ICU. We prayed each day, did our best, massaged him, brought all sort of things for tactile stimulation, played his favorite songs, smells of the food he liked. After first induced comma he still had normal pupils, coughing, traheal reflex, then brain edema got worse, they put him in second induced comma and after that he was only left with 6-8 spontaneous breaths of his own, then sepsa and cardiac arrest again. I’m angry at the doctors, they missed his stomach pain and squezzing in the chest and nausea as a possible signs of heart failure or thyroid dysfunction. I was so scarred for 51 day, knowing from the start that he is on the edge between death and life. Now it seems like a movie, seen long time ago. I now in my head he is gone but not in my heart. He was so young and full of energy, active person. I cried a lot when he was in comma, took sedatives to fight the panic and fear so i could have strenght and hope to fight with him and for him. I think this shock of long comma knowing from the start it is a fight for life was to much for me, after this terror nothing seems frightening any more. Like it broke everything in me, everything human and now there is no feelings left. We had to maintain our hope for 51 days, and as each day passed fear was bigger and despair and helplessness and odds for surviving lower. I think this trauma was way to big for me, watching brother dying for 51 day and trying to keep optimistic and doing my best -talking, singing, massaging, all i could think of as a way of stimulation. It ripped my heart out, destroyed all my faith in life and fairness and strength of love and care. People think they can understand. I think they can’t. Life will go on, bla, bla. Not for me. I loved my little brother so much, no i’m just a machine, soldier like as i had to be to survive those 51 days hoping just to bring him home in whatever condition, hoping just for him to breath on his own without support, hoping for more hope to try my best. All i every knew was to give my best and care for him and other people i love. Now i feel devasteted knowing our love, my love wasn’t enough. And i was always cautious regarding health, always telling him, mom, dad to visit doctors. Feel so detached and numb.

    • Millie  June 23, 2016 at 12:26 pm Reply

      Dear Faith, I just lost my 31,yr old son 6 weeks ago to a drug overdose. I have always felt something was going to happen to him from day one too. I have always had this enormous fear. He was in a bad accident when he was 16 and barely survived and so at that time I thought ” ok that’s why I have always felt that way”. It’s over and now he will make it. Apparently I was right the first time. I am numb. I always every day of his life been worried something would happen. I have always been very very close to him. I never thought I could live without him and that I would just crumble into nothing if anything ever happened. I found him here at my home . I was home when he passed away I just didn’t know he was using. I went to get him for dinner and found him. My husband and I did cpr until the ambulance got here but I knew he was gone the minute I found him. He was my only child and was my very reason for living.
      He has had many problems since his accident 15 years before and I have always every day of his life been his rock. I am luck enough to have the best husband in the world, my sons stepdad whom he loved and he is now my rock. But I feel numb. I can’t remember anything but for the most part I am acting and behaving normally but I am scared that I have bottled up my feelings. I almost feel like I can’t except it or think about the reality or it will destroy me. I am afraid to listen to music because it may send me over the edge. I feel unlike myself. I keep waiting for it to hit me:(

      • Litsa  June 25, 2016 at 10:26 pm

        Oh Millie, six weeks after such a devastating loss it is normal that you may still be feeling shock and numbness. I am so glad you have your husband for support. It may also be valuable to connect with others through either a support group or a counselor. There is a group call GRASP that is a support group specifically for those who lose a loved one to a substance passing. We also have a number of posts that are specifically about this type of loss. This is a good one to start with, but then you can find a number of others here. Take care and I hope you find support on our site.

      • Lisa  August 28, 2016 at 1:28 am

        Tomorrow will be 6 weeks since my 25 year-old son was called home. Me, my friend, my niece, and my son went hiking. We had planned this trip, we had a great day driving there, warm, beautiful, beautiful water, natural setting. He did what 20 something year Olds do, 5hought he could cross over the water above the falls. He slipped, or was swept away by the swift water over the 100′ falls, found the next day.
        Beautiful service. Everything about that day and since has had a sense of peace, and felt by others regarding his passing.
        I too had a dream when he was a baby that he died. It’s always stuck with me. Why?? He has struggled for 9 – 10 years with weed, drugs, alcohol. In treayment. The last time was for anxiety breakdown and dual diagnosis in December. Since yhen, he worked hard 6o payoff his 1000”s in debt, got proto motion at work, got his driver license back 3 day SD before, and opened account for cat loan 2 days brfore. He fought back and made it back on top. I Am Sorry It Was Not The Same For UOUR son, But I too always had that fear of a bad choice and it somehow taking his life or that of someone else.

        Since his accident, I have cried few tears. In a way, go on l I’m e normal. I wake up every morning wi t have the same thought – he”s not here. Terrified of emotions coming, terrified if they don’t. Ex mother-in-law had surge r y Monday for hematoma – difficulty since then, possibly may need another sutgery. A little more (more than I have had) tears 6onight with her medical scare.
        I don’t understand this seemingly lack of emotion.

      • Lisa  August 28, 2016 at 1:47 am

        Tomorrow will be 6 weeks since my 25 year-old son was called home. Me, my friend, my niece, and my son went hiking. We had planned this trip, we had a great day driving there, warm, beautiful, beautiful water, natural setting. He did what 20 something year Olds do, 5hought he could cross over the water above the falls. He slipped, or was swept away by the swift water over the 100′ falls, found the next day.
        Beautiful service. Everything about that day and since has had a sense of peace, and felt by others regarding his passing.
        I too had a dream when he was a baby that he died. It’s always stuck with me. Why?? He has struggled for 9 – 10 years with weed, drugs, alcohol. In treayment. The last time was for anxiety breakdown and dual diagnosis in December. Since yhen, he worked hard 6o payoff his 1000”s in debt, got proto motion at work, got his driver license back 3 day SD before, and opened account for cat loan 2 days brfore. He fought back and made it back on top. I Am Sorry It Was Not The Same For UOUR son, But I too always had that fear of a bad choice and it somehow taking his life or that of someone else.

        Since his accident, I have cried few tears. In a way, go on l I’m e normal. I wake up every morning wi t have the same thought – he”s not here. Terrified of emotions coming, terrified if they don’t. Ex mother-in-law had surge r y Monday for hematoma – difficulty since then, possibly may need another surgery. A little more (more than I have had) tears 6onight with her medical scare.
        And may daughter who just lost her brother is now back across the country and husband is deployed, and financial games played b he and his mother-in-law.
        My fridge gave out. And need to find out why no oil leak, I need 5 qu arts of oil.!

        I don’t understand this seemingly lack of emotion.

    • Carolyn  November 2, 2016 at 11:08 pm Reply

      I cried and cried reading your post, I know exactly what you mean, I am there too, and I am so sorry for your loss, oh dear, I hope one day it gets bearable.

  13. Liz  November 22, 2015 at 4:55 pm Reply

    Hi Faith, I’ve posted before so I will try not to repeat those things, but I just wanted to send a few supportive thoughts to you. I really identify with your description of when you were told you had to go to the hospital and being there. In some ways I’m still in the ‘quiet room’ of the hospital trying to get it that my son has died, more than 3 years later. I think the loss we have to face goes beyond the threshold of mere tears. Your words “What do you do?” say it all.. what can you do with something so incomprehensible? If I cut my hand on a piece of paper it really hurts, but when I chopped off the end of my finger once, in an accident, there was no pain. The only time I cried on the day of Tom’s funeral was when everyone had gone home, and then only short lived.. back to numb shock. Fortunately a friend of mine whose child had died suddenly 10 years before, had already told me that she didn’t cry on the day of his funeral either. There is a time I look back on with great compassion for myself.. but at the time I thought ‘What’s wrong with me? What kind of a mother am I?’ It was 4 hours after Tom died and I was about to leave my friend’s home (she had driven me back from the hospital to hers first). Another of our friends had turned up, and as I walked past her to go, she gave me a hug and said “You’ve got to let it out, Liz. Have a good cry”. Now I look back, I think ‘what do you know about it?’ How could I ever for one second have felt bad on top of my loss for being too much in shock to give the appropriate emotional display. 4 hours after I’d been told, and when I could barely walk. I imagine you may agree, that On the way to the hospital/in the emergency room/4 hours after or 2 and a half years.. it makes no difference. It is the same now as then.. too huge, too wrong and too unanswerable. But they are as close to us now as when we were last with them, and that’s why it comes easy to talk about all their lives as if it were yesterday. Love, Liz

  14. John lord  November 24, 2015 at 12:36 pm Reply

    I can definitely relate to this article. I can clearly recall staring down at my brothers corpse and not feeling a thing. Not a shred of sadness or grief.

  15. Dee Anna  November 24, 2015 at 2:39 pm Reply

    Thank you for this post. The 4-month mark of losing my boyfriend/soulmate is only 4-days away. I have had a variety of emotions that have me all over the scale & what makes it so much harder is that I am away from his family, his kids & our friends who I think could help my grieving process, so I deal with everything pretty much on my own. I have noticed that the last couple of weeks I have begun to feel nothing. I still cry; however, I feel like I just get up & go through the motions of daily life serving no purpose or meaning anymore. I try to engage & be present with my friends & family; however, I have just lost my way. The extreme time by myself & loneliness that I feel since Steve passed is a constant. I can say that I have felt a bit angry with him because he promised he would never leave me. I have recently heard from his kids & his son is miserable living with his parents, which just ads that much more to already over thinking mind. I’m thinking that sooner or later, all my feelings will come back with a vengeance.

  16. Karin Adlem  December 30, 2015 at 3:21 pm Reply

    Well this is the very first article I have read that describes 100% how I (don’t)feel! I even explained to the counsilar that I am worried that I will never be able to feel again.that I am heartless after my firstborn passed at age 25. Sudden fast accident. Still trying to find myself my 2nd born 8months later also 25 then brainstem stroke.Imidiate coma.no response since his stroke the 12ve and passed the 14th.This happened in 2013 and 2014.Now 18 months after the 2nd son.and I still feel this way.I only cry weep brake down for other peoples loss.Is this good?normal?Maybe I am heartless.Karin

    • Litsa  January 2, 2016 at 11:14 pm Reply

      Karin, I hope this post and some of the other comments helped you to know that you are not heartless. Rather, grief takes all sorts of shapes, sizes and timelines. It sounds like you have had a huge amount to cope with and numbness can be a protective mechanism when we are going through so much. I am glad to hear you are seeing a counselor and I hope you find information and support here that supplements the professional help you are seeking.

  17. Marie  January 16, 2016 at 9:13 pm Reply

    My alarm went off yesterday morning when I checked my phone I had a text message from my brother informing me that our mother had passed away in the middle of the night, I cried but I don’t feel pain whatsoever. I was laying here questioning myself and I found this site. I have lost 3 brothers already, the youngest one died in 2009, my grandmother last year and now my mother, is it possible that I’ve already lost so much that I became numb? Why is it so easy for me to move on? I want to feel something.

  18. Greg  January 17, 2016 at 3:12 pm Reply

    I lost my Mother 9/3/14, after caring for her. She was 89 and had dementia/Alzheimer’s. My 3 older brothers didn’t respond when I left them messages that Mom passed away.
    My Mother was British War Bride, left England at age 21 and never saw her parents again. She was always homesick and always said ” I miss my Mom”. I decided to make all of the necessary arrangements to take her back to England and was able to lay her to rest with her parents which provided me some comfort. I’m not married and being that my Brothers never responded to me, I ended up going to England alone. I wish I could’ve had someone there with me but I have no other family and most of my friends are no longer around.
    I focused my time on caring for my Mom and didn’t have much (if any) time to go out with friends.
    I still miss my Mom terribly and put the Union Jack on the flagpole this morning as today is her Birthday.
    I’m sure the way I feel is a combination of continued grief and lonliness. I’m taking antidepressants but they don’t seem to do much of anything. I know I have to take the first step in doing things for myself and make the effort to improve my emotional wellbeing. I just don’t have the strength to do much of anything.
    I’ve been doing various projects around my house but on weekends, it’s rare that I ever leave the house.
    Given the way I feel, I can’t imagine what my Mother went through never seeing her parents again.
    I’m hopeful, I can find the energy to push myself forward, see a counselor, become more active etc….
    Everyday, I wonder how much longer I can continue to feel this way. I know it’s up to me to take steps in the right direction in order to move forward.
    My thoughts are with all of you who lost a loved one.

    • Leah  August 28, 2016 at 11:02 am Reply

      This is how I feel. I lost my mom 12/13/14 and while I am really sad still and missing her like crazy, I just have no emotions for anyone it seems. I work and stay at home alone most of the time and I want to get out of the shell that I am in. I want to laugh again to FEEL again and just don’t know what to do. Im not on any medication for depression, I don’t want to go that route. Just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I know I am not either other than being alone. Too bad you didn’t live closer, perhaps we could pull each other out of this funk. Hugs to you

  19. Andy Williams  January 18, 2016 at 11:15 am Reply

    Thank you. My mother died on December 31 and your article helped me, and, the stick figures actually made me smile and laugh, so, I felt something. In addition to “melting” or “disappearing” I also experiencing “battery drain”, where a small stressor ie: driving to work in poor weather conditions and suddenly drains my fully charged battery to near zero within minutes.

  20. Andy Williams  January 18, 2016 at 11:23 am Reply

    Grieving from gratitude – I want to share this tip that I am finding helpful in those rare moments I feel anything since my Mom’s passing 19 days ago. Instead of grieving from pity “poor me I lost my Mom and I am alone in the world” try grieving from gratitude ie: “isn’t it wonderful that I once had a mother who loved me and took care of me and brought me the gift of music”. Grieving from gratitude makes my heart burst with love rather than wither and isolate myself. I’m no fool. I know grieving is a life- long process, despite the “get over it” mentalities out there. So, I can use this process to become a deeply loving person, or, I can let this destroy me. The choice is mine. Everything I do today, creates my reality tomorrow.

  21. Carm Russell  January 25, 2016 at 10:35 am Reply

    I love stick figures. It’s what I could draw as a science teacher to demo some concept or theory. Since I draw about as well as I sing ( horribly) my students got a kick out of it but would also grasp the demo.

    Feeling nothing…took me a year and professional help to realize I had not yet grieved because of the nothing. Ironically I was even arrogant enough to believe I was breezing through widowhood. Definitely in a much better place today!⚓️???

  22. Cliffs Princess  January 30, 2016 at 9:55 pm Reply

    I just lost 39 yr old boyfriend, best friend and soul mate of 15 years , its been 11 days and more thn half of thm hav been numb, i too wondered wht was wrong with me tht i wasnt “upset enough” as, besides my kids, he was my WORLD and i flipped out, threw the phone and fell straight to the floor.. screamed cried lashed out, I TOOK THE NEWS VERY HARD BUT STILL WAS IN DENIAL N SO ANGRY 4 the first 3 days thn this wierd NOTHING when i kno my heart is breaking every second, so glad to hear its normal! i woke up today and felt as if i just realized..hes really gone..N cried MORE thn my usual hour..all day..it hurts bad.. I think its like the poor lady who lost her daughter n grandchild said.. its just your brain.. protecting you..not letting u take the full impact of the loss

  23. Tiamaria21  March 17, 2016 at 8:12 pm Reply

    Thank you for this site and this topic. My Mum died 4 weeks ago and I feel like most of you above, I feel heartless and abnormal and cant describe it to anyone.
    Im signed off woork for another 3 weeks and to be honest I really dont give a damn about going back to it.
    I just want to grieve for my Mum, she hadnt been ill, we spent all Sunday on a great day out, popped in to see her on Monday teatime, she called me at 10 just before going to her bed and when I passed on my way to work in the morning and her curtains and blinds were closed, I knew right then.
    I found her, she had died in her sleep.
    I adored my Mum, and she adored me. I keep thinking she will be watching me, being Mrs efficiant, packing her belongings up with no feeling whatsoever.
    Im watching sad movies, listening to sad music and feeling nothing, just nothing.

    • Andy  March 25, 2016 at 6:21 pm Reply

      I received an email from this thread and read about a woman who lost her Mom and knew it when her Mom didn’t open the curtains in the morning. She mentioned she stopped going to work too, and that she just wanted to grieve…. I had to re-read the email because I thought it was my post (my Mom died Dec. 31). I’ve had peripheral losses since because of an incapacity to take action , ie: income, house, job. I’m coming to understand this: 1. Grieving is a process that will happen throughout my life not an “on” “off” switch. 2. Sometimes I have awoken after sleeping and my face is covered in tears, and I realize I have been crying in my sleep. We humans have remarkable ways of coping; 3. This may sound strange, but, for me, the emotional release of my sadness does not come by watching sad movies or listening to sad songs. The opposite. When I cultivate a fun time, and smile, and laugh, I’ve noticed that the tears I need to release come soon after… I don’t know the lady who did the post about her mother, or the woma who was informed by the police that her son was dead, but I know that I’m capable of loving strangers, and, in my little abode in Canada today I spent part of Good Friday loving two strangers with all my heart. To the woman who lost her Mom: Your mother was so lucky to have not only a daughter but a friend. Thinking of you and your Mom mutual love for each other actually helped me to cry some tears today. Thank you for that.

    • Andy  March 25, 2016 at 6:35 pm Reply

      I received an email from this thread and read about a woman who lost her Mom and knew it when her Mom didn’t open the curtains in the morning. She mentioned she stopped going to work too, and that she just wanted to grieve…. I had to re-read the email because I thought it was my post (my Mom died Dec. 31). I’ve had peripheral losses since because of an incapacity to take action , ie: income, house, job. I’m coming to understand this: 1. Grieving is a process that will happen throughout my life not an “on” “off” switch. 2. Sometimes I have awoken after sleeping and my face is covered in tears, and I realize I have been crying in my sleep. We humans have remarkable ways of coping; 3. This may sound strange, but, for me, the emotional release of my sadness does not come by watching sad movies or listening to sad songs. The opposite. When I cultivate a fun time, and smile, and laugh, I’ve noticed that the tears I need to release come soon after… I don’t know the lady who did the post about her mother, or the woma who was informed by the police that her son was dead, but I know that I’m capable of loving strangers, and, in my little abode in Canada today I spent part of Good Friday loving two strangers with all my heart. To the woman who lost her Mom: Your mother was so lucky to have not only a daughter but a friend. Thinking of you and your Mom mutual love for each other actually helped me to cry some tears today. Thank you for that.

  24. Mary  March 23, 2016 at 10:29 pm Reply

    This helps me enormously. My son took his life March 19th. I cried in horror when the police came to the door to tell us, but now, just a few days later, I am acting as if nothing happened. Everyone else is totally distraught, but I feel nothing. It is reassuring to know that I am not a monster.

  25. Juztice  April 3, 2016 at 7:36 pm Reply

    I stumbled on this page by accident. I was trying to find out if the sertraline or lithium I’m prescribed account for this numbness I feel. I have been taking these meds, under psychiatric supervision, for several years. As far as I can recollect, I was feeling numb before the horrific day just four weeks ago. I’m sure I was. I’m sure it’s recorded with my psychiatrist that I’m not feeling happy, sad, anything…. Just numb.

    Then 4 weeks ago. Saturday 5th March. I got the hysterical phonecall, from my 19yr old daughter that my sister had been found hanged. I think I just went into auto getting dressed (I was in bed because of anxiety) and trying to keep it together in front of my 13 & 14 year old sons. I got a taxi to my mum’s, not quite comprehending people going about their saturday evening business. My sister had taken her life why where they in restaurants and bars?
    At my mum’s all the family were consumed in this united weeping. I hated myself. I had no tears. The only time I remember actually recall this guttural cry rise from myself was when the policeman came to officially inform us of her death. I shook terribly throughout but I shake with anxiety and I shake with lithium side effects. I remained in my state of shaking numbness for the next fortnight and the funeral. I was convinced it would become real then. Yet, though my legs almost caved in. I managed the church service without crying and only broke down in the crem as the curtains closed. The sounds of her children crying “mum” as she disappeared was heartbreaking and my poor mum, shrivelled with parkinson’s disease asking to go with her baby. But, a few minutes later, I realised I was stone again. I endured my sister’s friends, my friends, neighbours and minor relatives collapsing in tears over me and I felt like the ice queen.

    I deactivated my facebook account last night. It is getting on my nerves now my sister’s (not real) friends sharing prayers, photos and thoughts. I know most of these fairweather friends are doing it for the sympathy and fb likes. My grief is private, internal. I am screaming on the inside but nothing is coming out.

    Sending love to every single person on this post ~ Juz xxx

  26. Simpson  April 4, 2016 at 12:54 pm Reply

    My Dad passed away three weeks ago today. Completely out of the blue. We found him in my house – just sat in the chair. I tried CPR but the coroner said nothing could have brought him back. I was utterly hysterical on the day it happened. I always dreaded the day this happened – even though he was only 62 I used to think about it sometimes and the thought would turn my stomach. Now it is a reality I find it really strange that I have barely cried since that day. I feel like people must think I’m a cold, heartless person but my Dad was my absolute world, he was my hero and I will miss him more than words could ever comprehend. Thank you for sharing your stories, I at least feel a little strength knowing that I’m not alone feeling like this. Thank you.

    • Tangi  April 4, 2016 at 2:39 pm Reply

      I’m so sorry to hear about the sudden loss of your father. While my mom was sick, she was expected to go home within a couple of days. Her health was improving, then boom, she coded. It was so shocking that I literally ran out of her room, down the hall crying. I don’t even know where I was going. When the doctor told me she died, my heart dropped. I cried once again when I had to tell my brother, who was away for Christmas, that our mom had died. Other than that, my emotions were so far from me. I think I was so shocked and devastated by what occurred that I truly couldn’t comprehend what it meant to live life without her. They say the first two years are the worst. The first year was coming to grips to the fact that she was no longer a part of my life. As i enter my second year, it’s worse than the first. My emotions or the weight, if you will, is much much heavier. I saw a grief counselor, I went to grief support groups…just to understand. And even though they were great and helpful, it doesn’t minimize the pain. You will still grieve. The emotions will come. You’re not weird or strange. Just because you’re not crying doesn’t lessen the love you had for your father. You may just be in a bubble until your body and mind can come to the full understanding that your dad is no longer here. You will have good days, you will have bad days. And that’s okay. I don’t think it gets easier, I think you learn how to cope and manage better. The love of a parent is so precious. You are not alone in your grief.

  27. Destiny  April 6, 2016 at 5:20 pm Reply

    I just lost my papa..it’s my first loss so close to my heart. We all knew it was coming…we didn’t expect him to live this long with colon cancer. The messed up part is that a heart attack got him.
    I cry…especially when I first found out. And when I remember certain things. But when I don’t think of papa I feel numb. Or like in really hot on the inside and then just nothing. It hurts to laugh…just. I feel lost

  28. Drema  April 13, 2016 at 2:05 am Reply

    I’m glad I found this site, and specifically this post. But it still leaves me with the thought that I’m in serious trouble after reading it. I have a rare autoimmune condition (a series of severe autoimmune diseases) that is life threatening, and I’ve been home-bound due to this illness for years now. So my family has been struggling with dealing with the possibility that they could lose me “at any moment” for years now. But to everyone’s shock, it was my younger sister that was lost – to suicide – 6 months ago. The family really stressed over breaking the news to me, since my body is highly over-reactive to stress. They were afraid of losing me too, as a result of my own stress upon hearing of my sister’s death. When I heard the news, it was as if someone had flipped a switch inside me, and my emotions were just gone, almost as if they’d never even been there. It’s now been 6 months, and that feeling (or non-feeling) of having no emotions still persists with me. It hasn’t changed a bit. But the strange thing is, physically, I’ve had one complication after another since hearing of her suicide. In fact, I’m facing 2 surgeries in the next couple of weeks, one to insert a Port-a-Cath, and one to insert a feeding tube, because esophageal paralysis makes me unable to take in adequate nutrition or hydration. While it’s true that the esophageal paralysis existed prior to hearing of my sister’s suicide, the complications it is causing have risen exponentially in the past 6 months. So it’s obvious I must be experiencing her loss on some level for my body to be reacting like this. But I just can’t connect with the feelings at all. I fear I’m in real trouble, and I may actually cause my own death due to my inability to feel anything on an external level. This worries me for my family – but even that worry is something I know more “with my head” than something I feel in my heart/soul.

    • Yam Kahol  April 13, 2016 at 5:36 pm Reply

      Dear Drema, good for you for making this realisation! Although people pop in and out of this website, I hope you’ll find it a place of support. I have over the last year. There are so many articles with useful pointers to things that might help with whatever we might be experiencing. From what you described, it sounds to me that what you are experiencing is so physical that an expert in that field is going to be the most help and I wonder if you felt able to share with them what you wrote above? Maybe some doors will open for you? I hope with that support and with TIME you will slowly start to connect with your feelings in a safe way.
      I found a holiday with my friend in the sun the trigger to allow me to start feeling again. I didn’t even realise beforehand that that is what I needed.
      With warm wishes.

  29. Heather  April 15, 2016 at 8:52 am Reply

    I just lost my precious little boy. He is special needs so I gave so much of myself to him and he gave all of himself to me he is mama’s boy its like we were attached at the heart. I tried so hard to save him and I feel so guilty and have nightmares of this every night. I feel like I’m lost and have no purpose and I feel like no one gets how I feel and alone and abandoned my family left me here to care for my other children alone and its like I freeze and don’t know what to do and like I have to stuff everything in because I can’t abandon them is it all a bad dream and why hasn’t the whole world stopped as I have I can’t breathe and I don’t know how I’ll ever go on

    • Duncan  October 4, 2016 at 11:59 pm Reply

      I feel so similar. You will always be a hero . I for one love you.

  30. Christine van Duuren  April 17, 2016 at 8:40 am Reply

    Thank you so much. I am glad to know I am not the only one out there. It’s been a week now of feeling nothing after 4 weeks of grief. I don’t even feel any emotion towards God, friends, family or work. I just feel nothing towards everything. But I will get help.

  31. Tina G.  May 10, 2016 at 6:40 pm Reply

    Hi, (Im 13 btw and need help please rely)
    My ex-boyfriend recently committed suicide and everyone around me is feeling horrible and wondering why I am not. I did love him, but he scared me also. I lost many friends because of them being fake friends and a bunch of rumors started. My “best friend” was not there for me through this time. He tried to force me to do sexual things with him and when I refused he would tell me how nobody would ever love me again if I didn’t do these things with him. He kept forcing me and eventually he pulled down my pants down without me wanting him to. I said no more times than I can count. I had many nightmares when I broke up with him. Myself and my parents wanted this to happen, but I was scared he would kill me or himself over it. Last Tuesday he “committed suicide”. His mom told me it was an accident and that he didn’t actually kill himself. I’m not sure what actually happened but I’m worried what did happen. I feel horrible that I don’t feel anything at all. But I have been bullied for being with him. That was also forced on me. He said he would kill himself if I wouldn’t participate in a relationship with him. Part of me is glad that he can’t hurt me anymore and most of me just wishes I could’ve been there to help him through this. He did move to Wisconsin after we broke up. He has done many other things to me and his parents that I don’t feel like sharing. What should I do about feeling nothing? Is it depression like it says in the article?

    • Yam Kahol  May 11, 2016 at 4:49 am Reply

      Hi Tina G,
      So sorry to hear all of this. You know it happened really recently and sometimes with time (sometimes even after a long time) you may start to feel differently. It seems like you’re looking for answers and support, I hope you’ll be able to find someone near you who can be your shoulder to help support you with that. You’re going through a lot. It would be a lot for anyone to bear, and you only just a teenager. So take it one step at a time. I’ve found this website is a great place for reading articles so I can think about things. But I’ve found when I’ve needed immediate help or support I needed to turn to offline people: sometimes my sister, my mum, sometimes a realife counsellor. I wonder if you can think of what support you might have near you and who you can find offline, as well as reading stuff to think about online on this website.
      I wish you well and I’m sorry for your loss.

    • Eleanor  May 11, 2016 at 11:08 am Reply

      Hey Tina,

      I’m sorry about the death of your ex-boyfriend. It sounds like you are grappling with a lot right now. I’ll say right off the bat, it’s impossible for me to tell you whether you’re experiencing depression. Only a licensed mental health professional can provide such a diagnosis and they can only do so after talking with you and really assessing what’s going on. So, if you feel distressed by your emotional response to your ex’s death, it never hurts to speak to a counselor. I’m not sure if I completely understand everything that you’ve described in your comment, but it sounds like you’ve experienced situations where your personal boundaries have been violated or where you’ve been forced into physical acts you did not consent to. These experiences, in and of themselves, can be traumatizing, so again, you may want to consider speaking with a counselors about some of what you’ve recently experienced.

      Looking specifically at the death of your ex-boyfriend, as the article states it is normal to feel nothing after the death of a loved one. I don’t fully understand everything that’s happened between you and your ex, however, it sounds as though you felt emotionally (and at times physically?) pushed into a relationship with him. Even though it may feel awful to feel this way – even though you may be experiencing feelings of guilt over different things – I think if you felt held captive by you ex, emotionally and/or physically, that it is not surprising that you would a bit of feel relief now that he’s gone. All this to say, based on what you’ve expressed in your comment, I don’t think it’s abnormal to feel nothing. That being said, I am just someone on the Internet and my thoughts cannot replace the guidance of a therapist or counselor. So again, if you feel distressed by your response, if you are dealing with feelings of guilt that you don’t know how to cope with, or if you just want someone to talk to about the death of your ex, feelings of being bullied, or any of the other experiences you eluded to, you should talk to your parents about speaking with a counselor or therapist.

      I hope this helps,

  32. Ben  May 29, 2016 at 11:50 pm Reply

    Thanks for this. My wife passed away suddenly a few weeks ago. While I cried a great deal at the time, I now seem to have neatly compartmentalized my emotions such that I no longer feel much of anything.

    Sometimes, I feel extremely guilty for not crying all the time – to the extent that I deliberately try to dredge up painful memories of her being in the hospital – because I know those will elicit a response. Your comment about “oh no, what if I’m a sociopath?” is right on the money.

    My worry is that by pushing the grief away, I’m failing to process things, and setting myself up for issues further down the road.

    • Cam  July 15, 2016 at 6:07 pm Reply

      Dear Ben,

      my heart goes out to you, for loosing your dear Wife. I’ve just recently ( almost 3 months ago ) lost my dear Dad and it was all a sudden shock as well. And as well, I’ve cried a big deal for weeks and weeks .. and still it does in fact dwell up.. and especially like you say it when – — ‘I deliberately try to dredge up painful memories of her ( him ) being in the hospital – because I know those will elicit a response.’ — .. but adding to this, for me.. when I don’t think or try not to think of my Dad, as it’s always painful.. I then feel like I am deliberately/purposely want to “forget him”, “push him away”, “banish him out of my mind”, .. and that goes for, out of my heart somehow as well. I just cannot think of him, without feeling mine and his pain, suffering etc. as well other emotions and thoughts .. – Although, the last thing I ever want to do is not ever think of him, banish him.. abandon him out of my heart, thoughts and life. .. It is just so difficult to find a balance somehow. As all is/grief is uncontrollable to an extant anyways! Will that ever be possible?

      Sending out a big hug to you. Cam

  33. rebecca  June 7, 2016 at 1:11 am Reply

    Throughout my life when I have lost someone, I have often felt myself isolated and estranged as I watched those around me fall apart and cry while I stood there feeling absolutely nothing. I recall being 11 years old surrounded by family in the ICU family room just after my grandfather had passed. They all were hugging and crying, while I stood confused apart even though I was the one there for his last breath. My grandmother had gone home for a shower, my mother took me into visit him. He had been in a unresponsive coma for weeks. Yet he roused when I came into the room, squeezed my hand, winked at me with a smile, the closed his eyes. The next thing the alarms began blaring. We had always had a special relationship and I am convinced he came forth to say goodbye to me. And least you think those are the tainted memories of a child, my mother has confirmed my recollection of that day.

    Yet an hour later I stood there, forgotten for a few moments as my family grieved. And I felt nothing. Neither sorrow or loss. Eventually my grandmother looked up and said, “we have forgotten Becca, come here sweetheart. It’s okay.” She embrassed me and finally worried they would think me strange I forced a few tears for their sake.

    This was not a momentary transition. I never did break down. I loved him greatly but never felt a loss that others described.

    When my other grandfather died 10 years later all I felt was anger over something he had done years before. I was surprised that even in death I could find no forgiveness for this act of betrayal, when he sided with my father after he hit me one day. If anything the anger only became more accute and overshadowed the other 99% of good times we shared.

    This last Saturday I lost my grandmother. And once again I find myself confused because I feel nothing at her loss. I did manage to fly back and visit with her a few days before she went, not having seen her for 4 yrs before that. When my aunt called to tell me though she seemed very reluctant to tell me, trying to ensure I was at home and not alone. Finally tired of the hedging I bluntly asked, “She passed, yes?” She was so sure I would just fall apart. And I guess I feel guilty for letting her down because I don’t feel much of anything over it. I’m not depressed (I have experience with depression). I am still interested in things, have a healthy apetite, am not avoiding thinking about it, her, or my respinsibilities. I just don’t feel loss.

    I am partly estranged from my parents. Recovered alcoholics I was too often the parent growung up. They both have healrh problems and the same apathy occurs when family calls telling me they are in hospital again. I love them still but I just don’t get upset about it and I think if I lost either tomarrow all I would feel is guilty relief. Guilt because my family won’t understand that relief.

  34. allan  June 18, 2016 at 8:30 pm Reply

    Some people have blue eyes. Some people don’t. Some people collapse in grief. Some people don’t.

    Remaining calm and emotionally detached when a loved one dies clearly has survival value. It allows you to think straight. This clarity of mind might enable you to dodge the next bullet. It might mean you can save your remaining children from the bear, or the invader, or the disease. It’s easy to see why this characteristic has been retained in the human gene pool.

    On the other hand, powerful feelings of grief and loss strengthens social bonds, and this also has survival value. No surprises that this characteristic also is found in the gene pool.

    Again, don’t feel guilty. We are all different. This allows our species to adapt and survive. Don’t beat yourself up. Be who you are. We all behave as we do for very good reasons.

    • Litsa  June 19, 2016 at 1:22 am Reply

      Well said, Allan!

  35. Jim  June 18, 2016 at 10:12 pm Reply

    Hi, lost my Mom a few weeks ago, on Mother’s day no less; My sister called me at 4 in the morning. (Never a good sign.) I’ve felt nothing, no sense of loss, no grief. I keep thinking I should be wailing and gnashing my teeth..and am I a soulless monster for not having any emotions about it? It’s nice to find out other people are in the same boat…

    • Litsa  June 19, 2016 at 1:21 am Reply

      Jim, I am so sorry about your mom and glad you found this post. You are definitely not alone. Sometimes grief has to come in its own time, the important thing is to be open to the feelings when the do come. I hope you find our site to be of some ongoing support.

  36. Yam Kahol  July 14, 2016 at 3:01 am Reply

    Hey Cam, wanted to reply to let you know you’re not alone, even in this online world 🙂 I know what you mean exactly about the asking about age thing! What difference does it make that your loved one was whatever age, he’s still gone. I also felt that way about people asking me, how are you? I didn’t care so much how I was. It was all about him, how was he? That was what was wrong in the world, that he was not OK because he had died, not how was I. I think you may find lots of supportive posts on this website, check out this page which has a list of articles, because you asked about posts about thinking more philosophically about death: https://www.whatsyourgrief.com/forty/
    Take each day as it comes. Wish you well.

    • Cam  July 14, 2016 at 2:06 pm Reply

      Dear Yam,

      thank you so so much for your wonderful reply. It’s just such crazy “reality”.. we have all have to live and try to “move on” .. go/look forward .. not back… that’s the hardest part. I feel your pain, and am here to listen and chat if you feel like it.

      And yes, exactly that’s just to the point what you are saying. And I am so thankful you get me. It’s not about me/us grieving ( although, we have all this unknown, scary, upsetting various feelings and thoughts, we have to try to get through.. experiences.. and so on.. ) but the worst part is exactly that our beloved one/s had to go through all these traumatic experiences ( pain, suffering, being scared and who knows what, as in my case and other cases they were in a coma-state of mind.. and nobody knew what they might have felt, and just hoping they didn’t feel anything.. ) and what was going through their minds.. and then just taking their last breaths, being helpless to what was happening to them. It’s just the most unfairest thing in this world.

      And about the asking of age… it’s overall and especially painful, when they are surely yes, taken away from life at a very young, or younger age, or going to a long long suffering illness .. etc.. but still being struck by health difficulties out of the blue and at an older age, it still has the right to be as awful, painful and horrific for all the loved ones grieving our loss. … ♡

      Thank you dear Yam, as well for suggesting this link. I will look into it and will come back to let you know.

      Warm hug. Cam

  37. Eleanor  July 14, 2016 at 3:46 pm Reply

    Hey Cam, please don’t feel anxious. It’s okay to write as much here as you like, whether it’s on topic or not. I am afraid there is a lot here so I’m not sure I can write the response that your comment merits. I do encourage you to look around this site because we have a lot of content that addresses much of what you’ve discussed in this and other comments. To start though, we have several articles on guilt. I’ll link to them, and then I suggest looking around from there.


    Guilt and Regret in Grief


    Guilt vs. Regret in Grief
    Guilt and Grief: Coping with the shoulda, woulda, couldas

    Other posts that may be helpful based on your comments:
    Questions of Life, Mortality, and Grief
    Death, Grief, and Shattered Assumptions
    Grief Makes You Crazy

  38. Maggie  July 30, 2016 at 2:35 am Reply

    I am so relieved to read all your comments. I lost my father on July 7th, my mother wasn’t able to manage things so I made the arrangements for her and got the services set up and housed my brothers from out of town. My father was a complex man and I his only daughter. Even tho he had become quite difficult to deal with I loved him very much. But like you all there are only a few tears when I think of certain things. I do not feel normal. I lost a long time friend about 18 months ago and I cried for months when I thought of her. Why is this not so for my father? But I’m not alone either mom has not had a good cry yet either. However, when her dog had to go to a foster home because she could not care for her she sobbed and found it upsetting to cry over the dog but not her husband of nearly 60 years. What is the difference?

    • Alegria  June 4, 2017 at 6:42 pm Reply

      Hi Maggie “My father was a complex man”, so was mine, I am his first daughter but I also have a younger sister and three brothers. I was estranged from my father for most of my adult life and only had contact with him occasionally (generally because he was visiting other family members). “he had become quite difficult to deal with” my father has/had always been difficult. When I was a teenager and young adult I went through some tumultuous times because of how controlling he was, trying to control even my thoughts and feelings. He moved our family around from one rental house to the next while he changed jobs frequently. Sometimes we also had to move schools or even relocate interstate just because he was restless and dissatisfied with his life. When I was a young teenager he often worked late in the city (in Sydney) and didn’t always drive home staying in the work flat so we didn’t see him all that much. Last week he died. While he was very sick in hospital I was not optimistic about his recovery as he had heart failure and wasn’t improving enough for surgery. A whole lot of dark and negative feelings started coming up for me so I didn’t drive up to visit him (a five hour drive from my place) . Even when they moved him down to Sydney (about a 3.5 hour drive) I still didn’t visit because I was so conflicted. I tried to write him a card but ended up writing a long thing which wasn’t appropriate to send. I just had too much unresolved anger and hurt. Now he is gone it’s okay. Some negative stuff still came up but overall it feels better than when he was in hospital. “I do not feel normal. I lost a long time friend about 18 months ago and I cried for months when I thought of her. Why is this not so for my father?” I haven’t cried at all. When we scatter his ashes maybe I will shed a few tears but I don’t expect to break down with uncontrollable sobs.
      “But I’m not alone either mom has not had a good cry yet either.” My Mum divorced Dad some years ago. I don’t think she’s been crying at all. She hasn’t mentioned anything to indicate she is grieving. I looked up this phenomenon and it is normal for some people to not grieve when they lose a family member or a partner/spouse from a bad or unhappy relationship. “However, when her dog had to go to a foster home because she could not care for her she sobbed and found it upsetting to cry over the dog but not her husband of nearly 60 years. What is the difference?” I also came across articles that said some people grieve the loss of their beloved pet more than the loss of people/family. I didn’t finish reading the article but I would recommend doing a google on the topic because this article we are responding to assumes the only reason people feel nothing is because it’s a stage of grief. It’s also a fact of life that not all deaths are tragic for everyone who knows / knew the person. I was definitely more affected when my house mate and friend died a few years ago. I had to be in denial for some time because I couldn’t accept someone as alive and passionate as he was could just suddenly die like that. We had our conflicts but we also had a great connection. When you are alienated from someone the emotions leave you. Your pet dog or cat may feel more close and loyal than any human connection. Most of the time no one wants to admit love is actually hard to come by, even in, or especially in some families. I am sure my Dad loved me. He just had a strange way of showing it. Like disowning me over and again. After a while you shut off your feelings and they don’t return.

  39. Bruce Johnston  July 31, 2016 at 5:35 pm Reply

    I lost my toddler son two and a half months ago. I messed up – left him playing in a spot I could see and thought was safe. The ‘daddy alarm bell’ inside me just didn’t go off. He was so independent and he was happy for it! He got run over three minutes later and died from the injuries. No one blames me – goodness knows it was an accident – but I want to die and feel like I ought to be killed or punished for negligence and stupidity.

    The one person I could ask forgiveNess of is dead. I should be dead. But I am not. I cannot explain to my wife or family or friends that I want to die, or why I think it is appropriate.

    • Eleanor  July 31, 2016 at 8:16 pm Reply


      My heart goes out to you. The accidental death of your son was, no doubt, a tragic and excruciating loss. Your son’s death is recent and we’ve spoken to many grieving parents who, like you, no longer care about anything in this world for many months after child’s death.

      By nature, people typically operate under the assumption that the world is generally a just, orderly, and good place. It’s common for people who are grieving to try and make sense of the senseless by asking “why?” or by trying to make sense of the death by placing blame and responsibility. Unfortunately, this often leads to a sense of self-blame and the feeling that, in one way or another, we should be punished or do penance for our actions, whatever they may have been, that led up to a loved one’s death. The below articles address this.

      I understand that you may not agree with me right now, however I feel that I can say without a doubt that you dying will in no way make up for your son’s death. It will not help the death to make any more sense, it will not change anything, and it will only be a second terrible tragedy. I realize you will always grieve for your son. I also realize that your guilt and need to feel forgiveness/punishment is very real. However when the acute and intense feelings of the first few months become slightly more tolerable, I think you will find that there are other ways to do right by your son and to seek forgiveness.

      I know you don’t feel that you can talk to your close family members, but please consider talking to someone about these thoughts you’ve been having. And please, if you are having any thoughts of hurting yourself, seek help immediately. You can walk into your local emergency room or call the suicide hotline 1 (800) 273-8255 (if you are in the US) and +44 (0) 8457 90 90 90 (if you are in the UK). If you are elsewhere just google suicide hotline and your country name. please know that with time things may look very different.

      Shattered assumptions


      Please follow up with us with any specific questions, you are also always free to email us at whatsyourgrief@gmail.com


  40. Amy  August 7, 2016 at 1:47 am Reply

    Background story: i wasnt close to my dads side of my family since they kived in different states and i wasnt close to my dad either due to him being drug-addicted and in and out of jail all his life) i always hoped and wished thaf my father would overcome his addictions and choose his children over drugs (which he always wanted as well) but unfortunately it never happened. Im 23 and my brother is 21. On the 21st of july we found out my father committed suicide 2 weeks prior on the 7th. We found out the same day we were flying out to texas to see our dying grandparents (his parents) for the last time. We were in texas for a week to recieve my dads body, cremate him, witness both our grandparents die, and bring my father back. As the older sibling i stayed strong ( my 3 year old was with us so i had to hide it from her) and i think it completely numbed me. I feel pain deep down but i cant access it. I feel like maybe something is wrong with me, i know itll hit me hard all at onve one day and that scares me. Ive stayed away from alcohol so that i wont get too emotional. I feel that i need to grieve asao before it gets me hard but i just dont know how. I dont know what to do.

  41. Pam  August 30, 2016 at 9:41 am Reply

    I have suggested to so many clients over the past couple years and they love it. I need it now. My mom died less than a week ago and I have been wondering what kind of heartless person I am. I just don’t feel much of anything, I have cried a little – mostly because she was in the hospital and died alone and the staff found her unresponsive the next day. I have wondered if she was scared and that makes me sad. Mostly though – not a whole lot. My youngest sister called to console me and I felt so awful that I didn’t need consoling. I don’t think I’m a robot or heartless but this feeling of not much feeling is really embarrassing.

  42. ROSANNE PATTEN  September 25, 2016 at 9:00 pm Reply

    I wish i could stop crying. I feel alone and do not want to be here anymore. My dad died a few months ago and i took care of him until his last breath. He was my best friend and also i have nightmares about losing everyone important to me.

    • Frieda  June 18, 2017 at 4:49 am Reply

      Hi Roseanne –
      I am so sorry for your loss. It sounds as if your dad was your best friend. I had an aunt who was my best friend. She passed away in January 2014. I walked around like a zombie for months and months. No one around me really understood that she was my very best friend in the whole world!
      It was quite shocking to me and now some of the shock is wearing off. I let a lot of things go by the wayside in my life after she died because I was so grief stricken.
      All I can say to you Roseanne is try to remember all the good things your father showed you and the love he shared with you. That is something that never dies. You go on living and try to remember that he would want you to be happy and take care of yourself. It is great that you can express your feelings. It is normal to feel that way. You are not alone. I am sure he was a great person, and you are too!

  43. JENNIFER  October 3, 2016 at 1:51 pm Reply

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  44. Brendan  November 29, 2016 at 12:12 pm Reply

    Hi, I’m from Nottingham, England and this year has been a terrible year for me and my family. My Mum passed away 11th May 2016 after a 2 year battle with cancer. It was a long 2 years and it wasn’t made easier as I work and live in London so it wasn’t like I could just pop round if she needed me. She had a few sisters around regularly to help her and my Dad out but it was so surreal to see her fading away like that. I was there the day the doctor informed her that it was untreatable. It didn’t sink in for her until we were back in the waiting room and she asked me,’Is it terminal?!’. I said yes and burst out crying and holding on to her. She died less than 3 months after this and I was distraught as I missed saying my final goodbye to her as my train home was delayed and she passed away 45 mins before I arrived home. All I could do was hold her and cry! Me and the family did all the necessary things to prepare for her funeral except for my dad who was finding it very hard to take. I did the best I could for her eulogy to let everyone one the life of my mum. I seemed to be coping quite well considering and most of the time I realised that I was doing ok, because somehow I was able to not think about her. When I became aware of this I thought that something was wrong with me. That maybe I didn’t love her (which I most definitely did). I was worried that she’d be looking down on me and be disappointed.
    Then the attention turned to my Dad. He was getting worse and worse and became a shell of the man he was. He jumped of a bridge into the river about 4 weeks after Mum died, but was fortunately rescued by a passer-by and a policeman. He was having counselling at home regularly but refused to be admitted to hospital. He tried again to hurt himself by drinking anti-freeze and was hospitalised again. He managed to persuade the professionals (and his family) that he was on the mend. Then in September (4 months after my mum passed) he hanged himself!! Deja-vu struck as yet I was writing another eulogy and preparing for the death of my only other parent.
    No goodbye’s, no letters, no further indicators that could help us prevent him for killing himself.
    Again I seem to be able to not think of him – or them. Maybe it’s because I don’t get the opportunity to as my siblings are all living apart. I don’t want to burden my Wife or her family in case they get tired of me. I have moments that I call intermittent feelings of oblivion. They are very brief and I manage to stop thinking immediately. I feel terrible for trying to get on with normal things – as though nothing has happened. I fear that my friends and family think I’m taking it very well…maybe a little too well. I want to be hit by an emotional freight train but it hasn’t seemed to happening. I want it to so that I can feel ‘normal’.

  45. Jessica Ann Doerfler  December 6, 2016 at 10:06 am Reply

    When my grandma Evans died I was crying because she meant a lot to me.

  46. Krystal  December 31, 2016 at 10:19 pm Reply

    My mum died April 21st,2016.We only found out that her breast cancer had metastasized a week before she passed, after a previous battle nine years earlier.She was sick for 8 months with what her doctor thought was a ” stomach infection” and then a return of crohns disease she had many years before.How can a doctor miss cancer to the point of the person only having days left to live.HOW?.My mum was my best and only real friend,She was the most amazing, selfless, and compassionate person I’ve ever known.She didn’t have to suffer in the end the way she did if her doctor had actually done her job.We had no time!! None!.I work and look after my kids, people think I’m ok but I’m not.Half of me died with my mum.I will never truly be ok again.Some days, I wish I would just die to as I’m going to be buried with her when I’m gone.Then I look at my kids and I feel guilty for it.I miss her so much!.

  47. Anita  January 13, 2017 at 7:21 pm Reply

    My best friend just recently passed away. At first, I felt angry and then I felt guilty because there was nothing I could do and still wish I could have done more. Now, my life just feels totally empty. I feel lost, confused, shock etc. Before my best friend pass, I was already dealing with the deaths of two family members that I love very much. Then death came even close. I am trying so hard to come to terms with this but honestly, it feels like heart failure or a stroke might get me first at this rate and the pain my heart seems to be feeling.

  48. Molly Delaney  April 17, 2017 at 10:46 am Reply

    My friend’s mother just passed, and when I told my own mother, shock was the only thing visible on her face and.. I just found it so hard not to laugh, is that normal…?

  49. Molly  April 17, 2017 at 10:47 am Reply

    My friend’s mother just passed, and when I told my own mother, shock was the only thing visible on her face and.. I just found it so hard not to laugh, is that normal…?

  50. Pepina  April 19, 2017 at 4:47 am Reply

    I would like some answers on this.
    I’m a girl, 18. I’ve lived with my grandma my whole life, except for the last two years because I moved to another city for college, but every two weeks or so I go to visit my family (in my house also live my mom, uncle and aunt with her family). I’m not really independant, so it’s not like I’m living life on my own, I depend a lot on my family, economically and emotionally. My grandma past away on Saturday. She’d been hospitalized a week ago for stomach bleeding and was recovering at home, she had a stroke. At first, when I was told what happened (I just arrived home) I felt anger and screamed, throwing away my cellphone that was in my hand, then I went to see her in her bed and cried. But then, until now, I haven’t cried that much, only when she was buried. I feel I have the need to do it but I can’t, sometimes I remember moments we shared and I start to cry but then I stop and I want to continue and I feel like I’m forcing myself. But I don’t feel okay, I feel “weird”, like it is a dream, I start thinking and I’m like what? Did it really happen? sometimes I feel anger again, and I want to hurt myself. But mostly is this weird feeling that something is wrong. I loved her of course and she practically raised me because my mom was always working, but I can’t understand why I dont burst into tears every time I think about it, I’m afraid I don’t know how to love or something. I’m not very affectionate either, I can’t say I love you to my mom or family or show all time that I care about them, I do a lot, or at least I think so.

    • Sara  August 9, 2017 at 3:23 pm Reply

      I am also 18 and living with my grandmother now. I have a very similar experience. None of the other comments quite captured it. Back in 2011 my mother committed suicide while I was home alone with her. At the time I was upset and expressed plenty of emotion, for the first couple weeks. However kids at school were always confused why I didn’t seem sad and even a school counselor pulled me aside to talk about it but I felt fine. It has been years now and I still feel totally numb to it and completely unable to access emotions about her death except for the vaguest dysphoric feeling. I don’t remember what it was like living with her anymore and her entire life and death in my memory has dried up, crumbled, and moved so far out of reach that I can’t see it or feel it or access it. I feel like there is something wrong with me. I want to remember having a mother; I feel like I have lost a part of myself and my own history. I hope that I can do EMDR therapy someday and resolve this trauma. (Other notes, I do have major depressive disorder and GAD, but I am descended from two severely mentally ill people and have been ill most of my life so I don’t think it is relevant.)

      • Jason  August 24, 2017 at 2:15 am

        Your comment is the closest I can find to my own experience. I’m missing like 23 years of thoughts, feelings, anger, happiness, everything has left. And not just for one person for everyone that I knew. I literally feel like one minute I’m greaving heavily about somebody close and then I blacked out for maybe 10 minutes and when I woke up I don’t care about anything. I feel like an entirely different person and is missing 20 years. at first I thought it was a blessing, but then the next day I realized I felt that way about everything. to me, the only answer is the my soul is left and was experiencing too much pain. i used to meditate a lot and now I can’t, it’s like starting over from day one. I had to teach myself how to retype on a keyboard. Anything I was used to actually doesn’t work. I have something that I’ve had to retrain myself. I literally feel souless. I don’t know if that’s for the better or worse. I actually thought I died for 10 minutes and that my body ejected everything anf that somehow I landed back in the body without all the stuff that was ejected. That’s a short story but I want that back minus the pain. So I’m actually trying to perform a soul retrieval. Because I am not the same person anymore. PS this happened the night of the eclipse.

  51. Alva  May 21, 2017 at 1:12 am Reply

    My mom had been ill for so many years before she died in January. She had COPD and asthma, was bipolar and had dementia. Due to a complete lack of self care, her body had literally stopped functioning properly, i.e. she discontinued all dental self care and just let her teeth fall out, one by one. The dark hole of severe depression, resentment, and despair never lost it’s grip on her. My older sister looked after her for the last 20 years. My sister could often be very haphazard with my mom’s care, but I truly think she did the best that our mother would allow. I pitched in here and there over the years, but my sister would never fully relinquish our mother’s care for any length of time (that’s a whole different issue). As time wore on, I simply became afraid to see my mother, as well as frightened and frankly lazy. I rarely made the 4 hour trip to her home for visits. I wrote often and called occasionally. I sent carefully chosen, quality, and loving gifts for birthdays and holidays. I was there the moment she died, holding her hand and touching her face, and telling her how good she was doing, that it was almost over. I felt so relieved-her death was an awful thing to witness. She suffocated, basically, from years of smoking. A few weeks after that, my mother in law, who has stage 5 Alzheimer’s, came to stay with us for a month or so. She was thrown out of her home by her registered domestic partner, who could no longer handle her. She went from a 5 bedroom custom home, to our tiny back bedroom, and then to a room at an assisted living facility. I cared for her 10-12 hours a day while she was here in my home, and I am 100% sure I did a good job caring for her. I never ONCE lost my temper, got impatient or mean, or skimped on her care.

    I am almost totally numb. I don’t really feel anything but a sort of surface sadness, and it quickly passes. I am nearly incoherently depressed, and rapidly gaining weight. I am sober, and don’t use street or prescription drugs. I don’t smoke pot. I am taking Wellbutrin for PTSD. I can’t easily handle the simplest task-my brain is frozen with anxiety, disinterest, and helpless rage. I can’t make decisions, and I don’t feel happiness or interest. My husband and I have not had sex in months.

    I hear over and over that the grief will do “something” at “some point”. Super. Right now, I’m with my dying mom, over and over-her last shuddering breaths, the foaming spittle, the desiccated body, the sickening smell of old tobacco smoke permeating ever square inch of her home. I try to remember that my mom was a nurse for 30 years, and saved countless lives through her diligent attention and care. She was a military veteran. She raised 3 children, and had several marriages. She put up Christmas trees, and wrapped presents. She came to my own graduation from boot camp. She sent money and cards and love. She generously and willingly saved me from so much pain over the years.

    She loved me.

    I am just numb.

  52. Gina  May 25, 2017 at 4:20 pm Reply

    I lost my boyfriend, the love of my life on 4/8/2017. I miss him so much. We had so many plans for the future. He was the light and joy of my life. Every night I cry and replaying the night he died and think I should have been watching him more, I shouldn’t have been in my room. I shouldn’t have been doing my homework for school.. I don’t deserve to be here if he is not here. He was my world. Life also took away my ability to have kids. So he was all that I had. I only went back to college for him. I can’t spend the rest of my life without him. He promised that we would be together forever. He was my perfect guy. I feel like I am suffocating. A part of me died the day he died and what I have left is slowly dying. I wish I could just leave this Earth, but the only thing that makes me stick around is because I don’t want my family and friends to go through grief yet I am miserable because I am alive. There is no joy in life anymore and I just want to join him. I am so tired and I don’t want to be here anymore. I went from Paradise to Hell. I keep begging life to take mine, yet I am still here.

    • Steph  July 9, 2017 at 4:07 pm Reply

      Girl, my boyfriend passed 3 years ago and I’m still dealing with everything you’re going through. They come in waves, anything can trigger a memory which leads me to go through the coping stages all over again. I’m not sure if you will ever be completely ‘done’ grienving, I’ve just been processing emotions as they come and go. Hardest part for me has been accepting that I will not get to experience the milestones and future memories with him; feeling as though I won’t be able to fully love my future partner for who they are because they are not fully who I wanted to experience those beautiful/stressful/day to day life with. Although our situations are as similar as they are different if you need to pick someone’s mind shoot me a message and we can exchange email/whatever. I went through this emotionally alone because no one knows what you’re going through unless they’ve also been through the weeds, but I can’t explain how many times I just wanted someone to talk to that at least could understand the emotions or lack of without having to explain too much. I’m not a hugger at all but girl, I’m sending you one along with positive vibes and energy to get through your days; my heart aches for yours and I hope you reach out if you need to. From Texas with love and sunshine

      • Molly  August 19, 2017 at 7:38 pm

        Hello. Would you please email me..I went through the loss of my boyfriend and I need someone to talk to…it was 3 months ago…….

    • Leslie  July 22, 2017 at 1:05 am Reply

      Dear Gina,
      I was touched by your letter about losing your boyfriend. I wish you all the best and hope that someday, somehow, you will get better.

      Signed, a gentle reader

    • Elizabeth Wilson  December 19, 2017 at 7:33 am Reply

      I lost my love 12/1/17 car wreck. We have a 17 month old. I was sick with grief for 13 days and since I feel nothing. It’s hard to look at his pics. If I do feel anything is anger. I’m lost. We jus moved to a new state I have no friends here. No car now, no money at all. I hate this life. He was agreat guy. Perfect. 22 years he was my best friend. He should be here. I was supposed to die first. I have kidney diseases. He was fine. Some one crossed into his lane at 640 am on his way to work. She survived. He was tape in the car. By the time they got him out he was gone 727 am. I didn’t say bye or I love you as I watched him walk out our bedroom. Because I didn’t want to wake up the baby. I thought I would see him again. The cops came at 820 saying those words he didnt make it. I wow he was here but I feel nothing as I type all of this. What a horrible person I must be.

  53. Samara  June 2, 2017 at 8:25 pm Reply

    I lost my mother on 30 Nov 2014. She was and still is my best friend. I never spent a single day without talking to her. Until I lived with my parents, I did everything with her and went everywhere only with her, we had exactly the same taste in everything, liked the same music, make up , clothes, food, art etc. I also look just like her, laugh like her and think like her. more like my soulmates than a parent to me. then I moved out of the country to study abroad, then we skyped and called at least twice everyday…mornings and nights I was more than willing to explain her everything from my daily life… she was always there for me, patiently listening and motivating me, full of positive energy….I always thought if i lose her one day I will definitely die…. then she suddenly got sick and out of a sudden died after a couple of weeks. I was so far away and did not manage to go back to see her in the hospital! now after 2,5 years I still cry rememberig that I was not there for her when she was sick, even though she was always there for me no matter what. but when she passed away I did not cry for some weeks….even now most of the time I do not feel loss…. I dont know whats wrong with me. on the other hand, ever since I dont care about anyone else either, my father had a bad accident shortly after my mom passed away and he was in coma for 2 months. even up to now he has lots of issues walking and other health issues related to the accident but it does not make me nervous. I wish I cared more for them like I used to.

  54. simran  June 7, 2017 at 2:16 pm Reply

    Just lost my father. We were like two peas in a pod. I loved him dearly and he loved me back so much. I learnt to love unconditionally because of him. We spoke to each other every day without fail when I moved out my country. My mom told me he cried like a baby every single day for the whole year. He had a gregarious personality, optimistic, hardworking a a very generous man. Everyone who came across him loved na d respected him very much. When he passed away I could not go in time to see his face one last time. I feel disgusted at myself. I have started to attract a lot of negative energy as I am sad and not able to recoup from my loss. I have developed physical pain and generally life is making me question my existence. I want to really die but, I don’t want to run away from shouldering my responsibilities. Suddenly, I feel at loss of everything that I would call life. I am a living shell of a person. I just want my life to end. People I notice are generally mean to me these days, including friends and family. I have no power over my life.

    • Jay  August 6, 2017 at 6:51 pm Reply

      This is grief. You’re feeling sad…and guilt perhaps and you think the world thinks badly of you. Don’t…it doesn’t….you’re projecting onto the world how you feel. You loved your dad and he loved you. He knew that. Talk to him in your heart. He’ll hear you

    • *EJ  November 30, 2017 at 7:12 am Reply

      I lost my father 20 hours ago. I am currently working abroad and I cannot see him for the last time. I am not able to go back home for the funeral. I feel numb since my mother died last 19 August 2017, and now my father. Time move very still. The thought that no more pain for my parents makes me feel better, but the pain that they are gone forever is unbearable. Hopes and dreams goes back to reset button. I am the youngest family member and single and all my brothers and sisters are married.

  55. Faith Jones  July 6, 2017 at 6:21 pm Reply

    My grandad died yesterday. I was there when they unplugged all the machines keeping him alive, watched him go. And I cried so much while I was there, but then once we’d left the hospital, all my emotions just left. It’s like I’ve forgotten he’s even dead. Today, I went to school just like normal and I found myself laughing with my friends and joining in conversations. And I know he is dead, it isn’t denial. It’s just a huge lack of sadness and I really badly want to feel sad, want to feel something negative and let it out. But I can’t. I just don’t feel anything about his death, it’s like I’m subconsciously ignoring it. I don’t know.

    • Amado Martinez  December 12, 2017 at 12:51 pm Reply

      I know how you feel. I lost my father 5 days ago and the first day, I was overcome by a tremendous sadness. By the 3rd day, I felt angry and wanted to lash out at people, for no reason. 2 days later, I feel a numbness but can find myself enjoying a few things (TV shows that sort of thing) And although I cannot feel emotional guilt for this enjoyment, I feel anxious that I am able to carry on this way… Like I need to force myself to feel that sadness again.

      I do admit that this article has helped somewhat. As well as sharing this experience in this site. Sometimes it’s tough to share these thoughts with loved ones who are also in the midst of grief.

  56. Anthony A Brzezinski  July 13, 2017 at 7:03 pm Reply

    I’m not sure how to explain it but for as long as I can remember I’ve never reacted emotionally to death whether it’s friends or family members the only person I can remember actually feeling sad for and crying was when I was 8 and my best friend and basically only friend at the time who was about to turn 5 died on his birthday ever since then I don’t feel sad it jist feels like another day and it never bothered me till my friend died recently he was the second friend I ever had right after my friend died and we grew up on the street but when he died I didn’t feel anything and now it’s starting to bother me he and I may not have been close since middle school but ik if either of us needed the other we’d be there and I did care about him alot but at the funeral all I could see was every friend I’ve had since elementary school that still lived in the state crying and breaking down but all I could think of was what’s wrong with me they are all gonna think I don’t even care about him that I shouldn’t even be there I made my face look sad so I wouldn’t stick out but I knew it wasn’t real and now idk I just want to feel agian just this once to express the deep sadness ik is there, I can’t even bring myself to visit his family because I don’t want them to think I’m a horrible person even tho I’m sure they know I’m sad about it since I basically grew up at their house I was over there so often.

    • Kevin  December 12, 2017 at 11:02 pm Reply

      Ditto for me. I’ve never felt emotional loss/sadness when anyone I’ve know has died . Dad, grandparents friends, coworkers. All people who I’ve loved and were a huge part of my life. I’m almost like a robot, I know I should be sad, but I just go through the motions. I feel like an actor at funerals hoping people will believe I’m grieving so I don’t seem callous. I miss them, I think about thembut that’s about it. It’s almost an abstract mental excersize.

      In all other aspects of my life I think I’m emotionally normal. I love, laugh, have relationships, married, I’m not depressed, actually I’m sorta happy go lucky.
      But if my wife, kids or grandkids were to die, people that I would give my life for, people that mean everything to me, I’m not sure I’d even cry or feel grief. I hope I would , but I m not sure. I always thought I was psychotic or something.

      • John  November 22, 2018 at 1:44 am

        I’m only 17 but I’ve been through a lot of shit. I woke up one day and my mom was gone. But it didn’t bother me. Not even months later it never phased me. I never cried. I never felt sad. She decided to leave and contacted me and my sister a little while later. I just never felt a thing. Even while I sat there and watched my sister cry about how she abandoned us I felt nothing. But this wasn’t the first time I didn’t feel anything because I never have. I know I’ve blocked out a lot of my past but I can’t recall feeling a thing. I wanna cry but not because I’m sad but because I feel like I have to. I think about everything I’ve been put through and it still doesn’t bother me. I wanted to see if there was a reason. I still can’t find one. But you are the closest person I can find with a similar problem. No matter how hard I try I can’t remember a time I cared to feel sad.

  57. Don  September 1, 2017 at 8:32 am Reply

    Lost Dad a few hours ago after long illness. I am also experiencing complete numbness, unable to cry and feeling guilty. Thankful I got online and found this site.

  58. alison  November 7, 2017 at 6:57 pm Reply

    Losing my lovely Mum as I type, seems like a repeat of my Dad’s death last year, and I oscillate between feeling devastated and then nothing at all.

  59. Jo  November 25, 2017 at 8:02 pm Reply

    Thankyou. Reading the posts have been helpful.
    I lost my firstborn son eight months ago. He was 32. He drove his car when he shouldn’t have.
    I love him so much and I miss him so much.
    I needed to know if this feeling of nothingness was” normal”.
    I guess it is.

  60. CM  January 7, 2018 at 6:58 pm Reply

    I lost my daughter on December 23…2 days before xmas. She was 27 years old. The day I found out I did cry and quite a bit…at least for the next couple days. After this I started feeling….nothing. Zero. My issue is I was angry with her all the time. My daughter did not make the best choices in life and I feel I never had a good experience as a parent. She gave me nothing but stress and heart break but of course I still loved her and was trying so hard to get her back on the right path. She had substance abuse with both drugs and alcohol and thank goodness was able to beat the drugs. The alcohol however was something she just would give up. I was not aware of just how bad it was. I could right a book if I were to get into everything that was negative so I will just say that our relationship was volatile and I along with the rest of the family on “both” sides were in the middle of giving “tough love”. We hoped she would come around. As it turns out it was not complete liver failure that killed her. She had a bout of pneumonia that went untreated and that is what took her in the end but was heading down another path of liver disease caused by the drinking. So I am very confused on how to feel as once again…never got to experience the “end” of the tough love times. It ended so fast. Some days seem harder than others but but for the most part I am not “feeling” anything right now. I want to keep busy which I have. I feel like the man upstairs hates me. I lost my husband 15 years ago to cancer (i was 29 years old) with a 10 year old daughter. I believe that is what spiraled her out of control but that did not actually happen until 4 years later. I did love my daughter but i also feel so wronged by her in so many ways. This numbness actually feels good at times. No pain. Feels like my life is back to normal. I have not been able to lay her rest yet as the holidays put everything behind. We put her to rest this Saturday. I really don’t want to talk to anyone as I am just not there yet. I honestly cannot tell what i need right now.

    • Rebecca M Gray  October 9, 2019 at 8:24 pm Reply

      I also lost my daughter, but to death, over 11 years ago…. As time goes on, it doesn’t get better, it gets worse, at least for me. I am so good at putting a facade on…I think FINALLY I am starting to deal with her death fully. Nothing equips us for loss,but “life has a habit of going on with or without u”…. So we just buck up or don’t…. But let me tell u, I have everything anyone could want, so why do I feel so FUCKING DEAD INSIDE???? I am here for u, I think u can help me too, because ur just like me..,.

  61. Cathryn  January 15, 2018 at 3:57 am Reply

    I too had lost my most beloved pet named frances many yrs ago in the 12th month on the 22nd day of the month and yeah even though she was an animal she waz to me so much lyke my daughter a beautiful black toy poodle she waz my very first dog and even now there’s never a day,month or year that goes by that I don’t miss her and think about her becuz God knowz that I do , so deeply and she waz 18 yrs old wen she went to sleep / died, and wen she died a part of me died too, and ever since than even though I still can feel emotions there will alwayz be a part of me that feels dead, and I read in the book called Coping with the loss of a pet A gentle Guide for all who love a pet, by Christina M. Lemieux. Ph. D but regardless whether it be a beloved pet or a person still missing someone who haz died is so very hard to really completely get over the loss but though they may say tyme heals but guess wat, it never heals and you can’t really get over it, and though itz bin many yrs since frances passed away, I still feel so numb inside., we’ll I love all of you very much and we all can lean on 1 another ok? Because those of us who have lost a beloved pet or person whom we love so dearly, only we can really understand wat another is going through because we have bin there too..

  62. Shehla Adhami  January 29, 2018 at 12:29 pm Reply

    my father died on 25th of this January 2018 and everything happens in front of my eyes from his admission to the hospital till his sudden intubation on ventilator followed by a cardiac arrest. My relationship with my dad was very precious and cherished bond. I was his happiness, he loved me unconditionally and supported me and trusted my decisions in every sphere of my life. I loved him beyond any limits (i suppose) and the idea of him being miss from my life used to give me goosebumps and severe depression. I was very scared to face this day and now when this day has ultimately come in my life i feels so numb and emotionless. During his treatment i saw him suffering and he used to cry in front of me but i used to feel nothing . Finally on the death day i saw his lifeless body but no deep pain in my heart is there. I feel fine and even not missing him in my home yet for others every minute is hard. I believed i loved him very very much . I just now doubt on my love towards him as i am not in a state of utmost sadness and grief. How can i feel fine and ok when the person for whom i lived is no more with me. I just dont understand my this state. By nature i am very sensitive and easily gets offended and cries for trivial issues he deserves deep pain for him in my heart but sadly i am not able to feel it. I am also scared of losing any other member from my family after this incident because in our religion God says we do not test anyone beyond what he or she can bear and my this numbness may prove to God that i have bore the burden of my father death easily. I am scared please help me

    • wes  January 31, 2018 at 8:01 am Reply

      numbness might be a test in itself, to see if you are ok with it or that you question it, it might also be a way of allowing one relative of the family to have the strength to help others who need their help at this time.

  63. Chelle  February 9, 2018 at 1:45 am Reply

    The thing is…. I AM feeling stuff. I’m not numb. It’s that empty kind of sadness though. And it seems appropriate because death is a void of that person.

    No one around me has said much about me not crying. There is some implication I’m holding it in, perhaps out of embarrassment, but no. I am holding nothing in. In fact, there are times I’m trying to conjure up tears. Zip, nada, nothing. As a child, my grandma shamed me over not crying over a family member’s death, telling me I was cold and she worried I was a sociopath (seriously, she said that and I was all of 8 years old!). So I think I’ve internalized that shame.

    I feel bad that I don’t cry about big things, and especially so because I cry over PETTY things. I’ve realized I mainly cry when I’m ANGRY, or various related emotions like frustration or disappointment. But I don’t cry much over true tragedy in life. At funerals, I’ll manage a few rolling tears, but no bursts of sobbing for me…

    I suppose I shouldn’t be disturbed by myself, but a part of me wonders “what’s wrong with me”. And it would be nice to chuck it up to “anhedonia”, but again, I’m not numb, and if past experience means anything, the grief never arrives. I just seem to move into acceptance with vague sadness here and there, and that’s it. Meanwhile I drop something on my period and burst into tears because my tears are reserved for trivialities.

  64. purple  March 20, 2018 at 10:24 pm Reply

    My friend just died a few days ago, and I found out two days ago. For those first two days I cried pretty often and was generally sad, but today it feels like I don’t care. It’s freaking me out because I basically just feel totally normal, not even generally numb or anything, just fine, and I want to grieve but I don’t feel really sad and it’s almost like I can’t be bothered trying to. I really liked her, didn’t feel any ill will towards her or anything, and I do miss her but at the same time I don’t? Please advise…

  65. Hu hof  March 22, 2018 at 11:15 am Reply

    i bock up with my fiance the main reason was my family after being angry for more than one week i feel nothing toward them and every body else like a hole inside my chest its frightening not even care or miss i am bot escaping them and others but prefer to be alone all the time like i dont miss them any more even their phone calls i reply like answering machine too much grief i hope it go away soon

  66. Felicity  April 18, 2018 at 5:22 pm Reply

    I am a teenager, with a recent passing of a family member. When my dad told me that she passed, I felt nothing, just nothing with the alarming feeling of emptiness. A few days later my friend went missing for 14 hours, she has had mental instability leading up to a year and a half with anorexia, with the next thing she ran away. I found out over social media as we don’t go to the same school anymore. However we still talk to each other. I found myself between emptiness and numbness at school carrying on my day. Alongside me coming home to my best friend crying her eyes out over this issue. Whilst I’m there comforting her as I feel nothing, it really scares me how I feel nothing for these past events. Without feeling sad between either.

    I am what some people may call an introvert with not expressing my feelings as publicly as others. In term to crying or feeling sad, I only get like that in situation where I am alone, I would never cry in front of another person for a reason as ridiculous as it sounds, I feel embarrassed. I would much rather cry in a detached place, where no one is except from me, such as my bedroom. I only feel sad just before I go to sleep and when I wake up. I feel guilty for not experiencing what my best friend is going through.

    Even though this article shows me that it’s okay to feel ‘numb’ or have no emotion at all. Everyone apart from me has cried for the death and for the search of my friend.

    • Whalewail  July 18, 2019 at 7:36 am Reply

      I finally feel like I’m not the only one who feel like this. The reason I’m scrolling and find your story so relatable because today, my younger brother died. We actually pretty close when we were teenagers, but at a certain point when he secretly taking a videos of me naked in the shower and sharing it with his friends, my trust has been deceived. It has been 7 years since then. No one know about this except my mom.

  67. Paulette  April 24, 2018 at 11:25 am Reply

    My daughter passed away a month ago. She was my best friend and our first born. We went on vacations together and made sure we kept in contact every week. We thought alike, laughed alike and were so able to connect like no one else. Since she has passed, I feel numb. People ask me how I’m doing and I say ok and am surprised at myself. I always said if anything ever happened to my kids, I would be a basket case. I don’t understand why I’m not hurting more. I am a Christian and no she’s in a better place and not suffering. Her brother is having a really hard time, crying so much. My husband also. I’m kind of glad I’m not hurting because who wants to hurt but I just do t understand myself.

  68. Kimberly  April 24, 2018 at 12:21 pm Reply

    My father used to always say He would never see the age of 50 used to make me so mad. I would say stop saying these things. Then he got sick CANCER neck lung and stomach cancer. He was admitted to hospital days before thanksgiving and died days before Christmas. The night my family decided to take him off ventilator I refused to go watch him take his last breath. I didn’t want my last memory of him to be one of watching him suffocate. I made it through the services by choosing not to feel. 8 years go by and my husband says I don’t think I can do this anymore I’m tired I can do this another 20 years he passed at 45. I was 35 left with two kids to raise. I found myself alone with this responsibility. The thing is I lost two of the most important men in my life by the time I was 35 neither saw 50. I didn’t cry I didn’t feel and I caught myself comforting my friends our friends. A week ago my father’s friend died at age 70 he was an icon in our community seeing all the love respect and condolences for this man brought back feelings but feelings of guilt. Why know why not 24 years ago why not 16 years ago. Why am I now feeling what I should of then?

  69. komal  May 11, 2018 at 3:21 pm Reply

    I lost my beloved father on my 30th birthday,,, like literally his funeral was ON my birthday. i cannot cannot imagine I have the ability to love a human being more than i loved him and i used to think that anything happens to my dad, i am dead, period!…. but nothing happened. i am very much alive. it is so strange that i dont feel the excruciating pain i thought i would feel. it just feels a bottomless pit of nothingness… i feel NOTHING. i dont know whether i am blocking my feelings,,, cz my husband just said to me today that its been over two months and you need to stop having this swollen face! i just dont feel anything.. not happy, not sad, no grief no pain… nothing… i eat, laugh, sleep, work .. everything is same like before but something has drastically changed and i cannot put my finger on it. i feel i am floating.. not daring to sink in the abyss of grief and not wishing to rise either. just floating… am i normal? how am i even alive? i dont know what i want in my life anymore for myself… being the first born and the only daughter ,, for me it is the end of the world. i dont want to jeopardise my other relations cz of this one loss but its strange how the absence of one person could be soooooo present that i swear to God, even breathing seems like a big task and effort for me now….

  70. John  May 28, 2018 at 6:49 pm Reply

    My father passed away on the 19th may from cancer and I didn’t feel anything I have had a couple of quick 1 minute tear up sessions more sobbing than crying but haven’t felt anything. I was also the same when my grandparents passed and I sometimes feel I am a sociopath I sit at the funeral and everyone around me is balling their eyes out and I am just sitting there wondering why I can’t feel anything but I can cry or more sob but I don’t feel anything when this happens.

  71. Carolyn Penny  May 29, 2018 at 9:20 am Reply

    I woke up to the feeling that my back was breaking the morning of my father’s death. I found out later that that is the time he died. There was only briefly an outburst of crying on my part as I was gathering myself to leave from work. After that, largely the only feeling, was no feeling. I could not cry. And the words, “my jailor has died popped out of my mouth.” Isn’t that terrible? I was relieved after all the psychological mind games of a life time for it to end. Now, they are lifting the life of this man up on a pedestal. His second family wants to continue the illusion created in life to a legacy that is just that, illusion. As one who experienced the truth of his life, I am finding this prospect horrible. What do I do with this?

  72. Evette McDoanld  May 31, 2018 at 1:09 pm Reply

    I was dating a man who ended up killing three women; I just can’t seem to get over it. I don’t know if it is guilt or what. I keep thinking what happened to him-then I feel guilty about feeling empathetic towards him. I feel empathetic towards his mother, toward the mother of his two children, the children, even the city that he has changed forever. I find myself crying all the time thinking of how hopeless he must have been; but, then I ask myself how can I think about him this way? I am so confused. I met him 10 years ago, it has been 7 years since the last time that I saw him, and he was arrested 5 years ago, sentenced to death. I keep remembering the times that we spent together, it’s like I never knew him or I never knew myself. it’s all so confusing, and I have no one to talk to about it. I haven’t dated; I don’t trust my judgment anymore. I don’t know what I am going to do. How can I move on from this?

  73. Andra Marinescu  May 31, 2018 at 2:17 pm Reply

    Dear Gina,
    I also lost my perfect love last year. There was so much left unsaid and so many plans we had. Most of all it was that connection and that spark I know I will never find again. We were so happy and it showed. When we were together, everyone could tell how close and happy we were. Although, we knew each other for 4 years, we were just starting out and we got in a small tiff where we didn’t talk for a bit. I know in my heart, that had we still been talking he would have not died that day. I was one of the last to learn of his death. His friends tried to reach me but were unsuccessful. I ran to the place where I knew he’d be at and wanted to profess my unrelenting love and tell him to spend our lives together when I was told he had passed. The pure shock was too much and I haven’t fully been the same. I hear your pain, I’m sorry sweetie. I’m hurting for you. I know where you are at and I pray that you find the courage in yourself to celebrate him while still allowing yourself to live. I spent days worrying that I would drive my car off a cliff, because I did not want to be here. The pain was unbearable. I’m a little older and I have kids. I couldn’t do something like that to them or my parents. Life has it’s own plans and it sometimes brings us to our knees in the process. You need to find the faith and peace to know that EVERYTHING happens for a reason, even if it seems so tragic that you cannot make sense of it. Your purpose here is to experience this life in all it’s glory. The good with the bad in it’s fullness. I’m currently writing a book, and I’m writing about us and our love. It has helped me cope and find peace. Do things that you know he would be proud of you accomplishing. He is and always will be with you. That energy and connection is eternal and continuous, do not fall into despair. Please reach out and write me if you’d like to talk. Wishing you the very best, but most of all I wish you peace.

  74. Elizabeth Grumbles  June 15, 2018 at 10:59 pm Reply

    I can remember being 3yrs old and seeing my father cry after listening to a sad song and I could think was teally. That’s been my reaction to any emotional anything that’s come along my way my family have repeatedly told me I have a black heart or no heart at all. This past Dec we lost my younger sis to cancer she was only 27 and everyone kept asking if I had my emotional break down after her death and I’m like no. My whole life when watching sad movies I laugh at ppl who cry. Just don’t get y I’ve never been able to be emotional about really anything

  75. Casey Risinger  July 11, 2018 at 7:50 am Reply

    I lost my heart and soul on July 4th. My husband and I were not getting along so he went to stay at his sisters for the night. I got the call that next morning and rushed to the hospital. He died from a heat stroke. I have so many un answered questions that no one will ever be able to answer. From the moment I found out til today, 2 days after th funeral it feels like a dream. My heart died the day his did. I think that’s the only way I can even be able to start to explain the emptiness inside. I’ve cried but I still feel empty and lost. At his funeral many people were crying and it felt like I was in a daze. I’m sure some thought I was heartless and it’s because I am. But not for the reason some may expect. My husband was my world. We have 3 little girls and I know I need to be strong for them, and I try. But I honestly feel like I’m going crazy in my mind. The feeling of nothing, and emptiness scares me. The thought of walking 40 more years like this is terrifying.

    • gabrielle renaud  February 13, 2019 at 1:40 am Reply

      im concerned with a few things you’ve said i hope everything is okay stay strong never give up if you ever need someone to talk to i know im a stranger but i can listen gabby.realrenaud@gmail.com

  76. Virginia  July 11, 2018 at 5:39 pm Reply

    Komal, I can relate to what you are saying. I lost my Mom, my best friend in the world almost five months ago. She had cancer for four years and I took care of her but didnt do a very good job. I am the only child and we were so close no one knows anyone closer. I thought if this happened I’d just die instantly or hurt myself. I am afraid to do so because of religious reasons. Now I am feeling numb and it’s so much worse the the pain I felt at first. I hate it, it causes more guilt than I already have for not taking good enough care of her. It makes me feel like I don’t care. My therapist says it’s normal but it doesn’t make sense to me. How can the worst thing to ever happen to me shut off my emotions? They should be stronger than ever! I do have depression, which I had before. This article says that may cause numbness. It’s hard for others to understand how I feel. It’s hard to relate to others who aren’t grieving so who do you talk to? If anyone feels the same and wants to exchange emails, let me know.

  77. Craig  August 14, 2018 at 2:05 am Reply

    Thank you so much for this article. My Uncle/Godfather passed away a few days ago and this is exactly how I’ve been feeling. It’s been tearing me apart thinking that there is something wrong with me because I haven’t cried and feel nothing. I have been getting angry and impatient and snapping at my Wife and 2 Sons. This has helped me realise that I’m not some kind of sociopath and this is a fairly normal reaction. Thank you.

  78. Natalie  September 25, 2018 at 10:19 am Reply

    I feel less vested in life after the death of my son last month. At times I feel like I am transparent, like you could put your hand right through me. I do understand it will get better with time, but working and relating to others is very difficult right now.

  79. Ann  September 26, 2018 at 10:55 am Reply

    My grief is quite different as my daughter was murdered by a suspect/co-worker hair salon just hours before “Mother’s Day and the day she was born on May 13th. It’s been over 4 months and I am numb from shock and I cry at the drop of a dime. My daughter’s body has not been recovered. How can you any type of closure without ever seeing my beautiful daughter’s face again. How can a person premeditate the killing of an innocent mother of 3 young children in first degree murder? My daughter was stressing and working 2 jobs just to make ends meet and now the what was suppose to be Ex-Husband is upset, because I will not give him the money raised, because it’s in a trust fund for the kids. so he took the boys and moved in with hi parents in another state out of spite. Not only did I loose my daughter, but I lost my grandsons. The grand-daughter is in counseling, I am not. I have more like a PTSD and if someone experienced what I am going through, they could not help me. There are no groups for people like me where I live. soon trail will start and its not a speedy trial as the suspect says they are innocent, yet my daughter left plenty of evidence and videos to prove different. I stay away from home as much as I can at night. The tv room was taken over by my soon to be ex husband who has cancer. I have been very supportive of him for 20 years, only to find out his life insurance polices are in his married daughter’s name. As soon as I found out, I filed for divorce, I haven’t had him served yet, because I have a bleeding heart and he needs 5 aggressive radiation treatments for his liver. (spread from colon cancer) My granddaughter is not his, but she has known him all her life. They have a bond. But for sanity reasons, I cannot remain in a loveless marriage of 20 years in different rooms and he shows no empathy to me in the loss of my daughter. I ask God, how am I standing??? Honestly I don’t know. Faith, granddaughter, grandsons, has to be the only reason. My life changed forever and I am broken, and I know that I will never be the same. I have a lot of trials to attend. I have done numerous press conference interviews to bring my daughter home and for justice to be served. Inside I feel nothing. I miss my daughter and my living room is adorned with pictures of her. I don’t think there is anyone that can help me. I have close friends that I made through this horrific ordeal that allow me to talk, but not ask questions of my daughter’s murder.

    • gabrielle renaud  February 13, 2019 at 1:38 am Reply

      my condolences to you from what i read youre going through a crazy amount of stress right now i to just lost my grandma and godmother in a spand of 2 days also facing possible homelessness i am also slowly decaying from anerexia but from what i hear you are going through far worst if you need someone to talk to you can email me gabby.realrenaud@gmail.com id really like to hear updates on your daughters trial even help raise awareness if needed its a truly terrible thing i hope you find your daughter soon i am praying for you tonight <3

  80. Ty  October 5, 2018 at 2:44 pm Reply

    my mom died april 2018 and now its october 2018 and i still feel numb i say things like i dont care when stuff happens . i dont know why im not feeling abything when i first heard my mom died i cried for 10 minutes and then went on to not feel anything

    • Liz  December 28, 2018 at 4:20 pm Reply

      I understand. My mom died june 2018 and i was sad initially but i mostly dont feel anything and it concerns me. My whole family was tore up over Christmas because of her absence and I felt fine. Its comforting to hear someone else going through this.

  81. Patrick  October 16, 2018 at 1:18 am Reply

    It’s been a year since I lost my grandma we were closer than ever I’ve been numb since even my grandpa I lost years ago and I don’t feel anything I’ve realized it’s turning into anger but I keep it managible but it’s getting worse

    • Nimyy  January 23, 2019 at 7:47 am Reply

      Same my grandma died a week ago and everyone is still grieving and just trying to move on,whilst I’m just there.I don’t feel anything zero zilch,and im constantly feeling guilty with myself always questioning my love for her.No one gets it at all they think I should be upset,for years whenever I just try to chat to others about life they glare and guilt trip me into thinking I don’t deserve anything .How can I be when I just can’t feel it,i Evan go to the point where I ask people if im kind Evan though I’m the most compassionate person I know (And that’s not alot).And I’m scared when I start feeling.It’s like I don’t care,it’s like I’m not human that’s incapable of emotion.I hate myself for it.I Evan forced myself to cry not wanting everyone to think I’m apathetic.So we rock the same boat,we’ll get through this it’s a must.Hope our grandmothers are looking out for us somehow.x

  82. Carla  December 9, 2018 at 6:37 pm Reply

    My 27 year-old son was killed in a car accident three weeks ago. His wife survived and is dealing with her own PTSD and trauma. My husband and other son are grieving emotionally, but I am not. I feel numb. I went to my doctor the week after we returned from Virginia, where the accident happened, and he put me on an anti depressant and anxiety meds. I know these meds are helping me, but I still feel like I should be reacting emotionally with sorrow and sadness. I feel like I’m just going through the motions of work, home, etc. with little to no interest. I can’t keep anything in food wise and have no energy. If it weren’t for caring for my daughter in law and their dog, I think I would be deeper in my depression. I don’t like to think I am depressed because usually I’m very optimistic, smiling and joyful. This is hard for me to accept.

    I have the hope of Jesus and know I will see my son again, but I still feel like there is something wrong with me for being numb.

    • gabrielle renaud  February 13, 2019 at 1:30 am Reply

      hey i get what your feeling in someways my grandma and god mother just died in a spand of 9 days and im about to be homeless and i cant seem to feel anymore what i think it truly is is antidepressants can completly cut your emotions off and it is a way of cooping with the issue in hand you lost a very improtant part of your life your son so its normal to maybe just not know how to deal with it right now if you ever need to talk my email is there

  83. Jessica Moore  February 12, 2019 at 2:42 pm Reply

    My mom just died the night before last around 7:00 pm. She was walking down the southbound lane on 45 Arden road when out of no where a car came and ran her over. Just like that, just within seconds she was dead. I barley knew her, well I lived with her and my dad up until I was 5 years old, and then she moved out and ever since then she or I would call and she would come to visit about 2 or 3 times a year. I hate that I did not even get to know her that well. I mean nothing gets easy for me does it I can never catch a break, my dad is already a mess and then he wants me to switch schools when I only have like 4 months left of the year, and he is expecting a new baby in fact they find out the gender on Thursday/Valentines day and every one is really tight on money lately and now this, and guess what I am only 12 years old. How do I handle this???

    • gabrielle renaud  February 13, 2019 at 1:26 am Reply

      hello love i read your comment and its really concerning to me … i hope everything is okay keep your head up things will get better i promise . if you ever feel down just remember even random strangers care im not sure if that helps at all. i will leave you my email here if you ever need someone to talk to im not a therapist but i am a pair of ears my email is gabby.realrenaud@gmail.com i truly hope you find a way to smile soon i wish you the best of luck i relate with you so much right now due to my grandma and aunt passing in a spand of like 9 days ive been so confused because i cant feel the sadness i am numb from it im upset by the lost yes but i cant seem to feel or atless yet

    • Sarah H  March 5, 2019 at 7:15 pm Reply

      Hi, Jessica
      I’m so sorry for your loss, and it sounds like you’re going through a lot right now. I agree that this is concerning. Are you ok? Don’t ever be afraid to reach out for help.

      Sending lots of love!

  84. Lost  February 16, 2019 at 9:37 am Reply

    I just lost my daughter. Not to death, but given to her father to live by court after I fought in court to keep her safe when she told me she was being abused physically and sexually. The first day she was gone, I sobbed a few times every hour. The next day I only teared up twice, but no tears. Next day, not feeling. I wanted to know why I was “okay” all of a sudden and did not feel right. I went emotionally numb from the trauma. I found this looking for answer to why I am like this today and yesterday. I have always produced emotions and never had this happen before. I started to wonder if Im having a nervous breakdown from the trauma and pain. Is this my body’s way of protecting itself?

  85. Monica Vega  March 4, 2019 at 12:55 am Reply

    My mom passed away when I was about 6, my father shot her. I was too young to really understand what was going on but I just remembered being so sad and seeing my family being so distraught. I lived with my 90 year old great grandparents for about 7 years and was so close to my grandfather. My grandfather made me who I am today. Then went to live with another family for a year, so I kind of had siblings, then one day, the family and I went on a car ride and got into a car crash, my favorite “sibling”, D, passed away. At 14, i went to go live with my older biological sister and her family in a different state. I also suffered a miscarriage. My sister and I visited my grandparents sometimes but then on the night of my niece’s birthday, my sister told me my grandfather had died and she didn’t want to tell me that earlier in the day and she told me to be strong and not let the kids see me cry. We were in my room so I just kind of sat on my bed and said okay. My grandmother was the one with multiple health problems but I wasn’t expecting my grandfather to pass away. Later that night I texted my best friend like 3 in the morning because I was so confused as to why I haven’t cried and we talked it out. Then that morning in choir, we were singing D’s favorite song and I finally cried about my grandfather. I cried for two straight hours and I haven’t cried about him since. But today my best friend’s grandfather passed away and she told me and I started crying again. Grief is so weird, it comes in waves, and it sucks. It’s life, and I always remember what my grandfather told me, emotions are temporary and in the end everything will be okay and if it isn’t, it’s not the end.

  86. Catherine  March 9, 2019 at 2:12 pm Reply

    Thank you so much for this blog, it makes so much sense to me and brings me comfort in knowing I am ‘normal’. My mum died 2 weeks ago and I have yet to show any emotion and I just feel empty like I’ve got no emotions to give which to others might seem like I dont care but I do. my mum was ill for a long time and we knew she would leave us eventually but it still seemed so quick.

  87. Dea  March 23, 2019 at 1:11 am Reply

    My Daddy died Christmas Eve day @ 1231pm. He had cancer diagnosis and less than a week later he was gone. He was my Father but he was my Daddy adopted me raised me since I was 3 months old. I’ve had a hard time feeling anything due my mom is an emotional wreck. My sister is a mess. So feel no time for me. I just get pissed off for no reason and don’t even wanna be around anyone.

    • ma  May 2, 2019 at 5:29 pm Reply

      i totally relate. i am in a similar situation. my dad (i was also adopted as an infant) was diagnosed with cancer the day before he died last month. my mom is a wreck and i have been dealing with the paperwork/phone calls/etc., staying emotionally numb the entire time.

  88. Reese Sydney  March 25, 2019 at 11:40 pm Reply

    I know it sounds crazy but I remember having a past life as Harold Bride on the Titanic. Most days I think about it, and how I feel guilty that I just let my friend, and colleague (John (Jack) George Plillips look him up he was the senior Marconi Opertaor) I basically just let him die…… I didn’t give him my jacket or anything. I didn’t comfort him. I just sat there. Lots of days I cry, although I’ve tried to promise myself not to. That was a promise I couldn’t keep. But other days I just don’t feel anything. I just sit there forced to stare at his dead body every time I close my eyes some days. I feel guilty that I lived and he…… didn’t. He could have contacted ONE ship and then just have said “screw it im getting out of here. They’ll be here soon enough” but guess what? He didn’t. He died and I DIDNT. How is that fair? It isn’t….. not at all fair.

  89. Dee  April 11, 2019 at 11:06 pm Reply

    I just lost my French bulldog Jelly Bean, she was 10, my baby and best friend. she got me through my breakdown after losing my brother tragically 6 years ago. He was 42 and I had just turned 40. For several weeks after he froze to death slipping down the mountain side on vacation with his wife and her family on New Years, I was completely numb, everyone was so impressed at how well I was handling it as I normally cry over the smallest things. Then at some point I completely lost it, crying non stop, overwhelmed to the point of wanting to die but I had my Jelly that made me want to be there for her but I wasn’t able and ended up being hospitalized. I finally got her back and had to move in with my parents and completely start over. I feel terrible for what I put her through but she stayed loyal to me beyond everything! I work with dogs so she has gone to work with me since she was a baby. She was diagnosed with bone cancer a year and a half ago and was given 4-6 months. I had my priest bless her and did all I could, she was my everything, my baby and best friend! I don’t know how to be without her. What scares me is it’s like when I lost my brother, I’m just numb, and one day like with my brother I’m scared it’s going to hit me and it will be more than I can bare

  90. star  April 13, 2019 at 6:11 pm Reply

    for some reason i can’t feel grief of a loss, my pet cat died recently we were walking into the garage after a movie, opened the garage door and found my cat laying dead, its tail was dismantled and blood was out of its mouth, we didn’t know what happened but my brother was shaken up he cried first sight of it and he’s older than me! i just stood there i didn’t cry or feel sad i just stood there maybe my hands were shaking but i felt nothing i don’t know what to do. a year ago my dog had to be put down, my parents cried, my brother cried, but i didn’t. a few months back a girl who used to bully me committed suicide, she was dealing with the same problems as me because she came from a foster home and felt like she was a mistake, i didn’t feel ANYTHING. i don’t know what to do, i feel like if i tell my parents or a counselor, there gonna call me crazy or sociopathic, so i try to force myself to cry when something tragic happens but it never works but this article helped a lot thank you for the context and why i might be feeling this way.

  91. Adalyn  April 14, 2019 at 10:59 pm Reply

    My grandfather died 6 days ago. I have found myself not sad, but relieved. before you think I am crazy, let me explain his situation. He had been battling cancer for 3 years and on the day of his death, he had more than 30 seizures, and because of these seizures, he bit off more than half of his tongue, because he could not control the shaking. As I was hugging him, telling him I loved him and I’d be back to see him the next day, his arms went limp and his head lolled back. Blood started to drip from his ears, eyes, nose, and mouth. I am still only 13. He was young too, young for dying anyway. He was only 55. I was sad that he was gone of course, an I know I would have cried right then if I could have, but I didn’t. In the days following, I found myself sad, but also relieved. I could not cry, though I wanted to, but I also cannot show that I am relieved he is gone. I am only relieved because he is out of pain now and I do not believe that this is goodbye forever, only see you later. I do think that I feel sad though more than anything, but I wonder why I cannot cry.

    • Lilian  June 3, 2019 at 1:24 am Reply

      Hi, my grandmother just passed and I feel as if our feelings are similar. She was in pain and now she’s not. I feel sad because my family is sad, not because my grandmother is gone. I do feel guilty, like I’m doing something wrong. I’m 19.

  92. Charlie  April 17, 2019 at 12:53 pm Reply

    I want to stop feeling numb, It was 2017.09.15 when my grandmother died in a room in front of me. why?
    She was my mother really, she raised me from the baby to a grown baby man while my mother was doing the role of the father, making sure we all have shelter and food. My grandmother was a grown baby as well. But I want to change. So much time have past and only now I see the importance to letting it all go away.
    I need to let her go. She died in a room in front of me because it was my last gift for her before she goes. Hospice from loving and caring son until the last breath. I didn’t knew at the time what mental consequences it will bring me and how much pain I will inflict to me and others by simply not feeling negative things. I am afraid of my own pain. But I still inflict pain to my body or to others by hurting their feelings. I still want to believe that this all is not for nothing and when I am done, I can use this experience to help others.
    So I am here because, I know I need to accept this death of this very important person that his importance I ignore. My mother in sense, My grandmother in reality. I do not deny her death. She is gone, I saw soul leaving her breath it is a fact.
    I want to be angry on here. She raised me as demi-god and this is my blessing and the curse. HOW STUPID SHE WAS TO RAISE ME as a god then I am just a human fucking being that will die and has to deal with the world as a fucking human being. It doesn’t help me at all… She just fed me, did everything for me and never said that my actions can have negative reactions. I was to blind to see how world was letting me down via bully or hard time with studies. I was blind to realise that it was world’s way to say that I should adapt, not run or do whatever god pleases. creating my own imaginative worlds to escape reality. that escalated into this bullshit when I forget that I have a body.
    It created egocentric, general competence lacking, giant baby that now is growing up the hard way again. I am angry. am I? why I don’t fucking smash my computer now. Just sit with huge pain in my heart and poker-face.
    I am angry on my grandmother, she was stupid that she hide that she is ill from us for very long time. But in the last moments she was regretting this. I am angry that she never listen. Has a fake view on the world and she gave up on life early. YOU KNOW WHY IT BOTHERS ME? CUZ IT CAN BE ME. IF I DON’T DO NOTHING IT WILL BE ME. I am only 24 years old. But I go to fuck my body up in the world most dangerous temple snorting ketamine just to fucking feel something really, just to feel alive. AND I WANT IT TO STOP, cuz if not. I am dead. why I put the grief topic about me? it about letting you go grandmother. why is it so hard for me to feel. to scream to shout to let it all out. why I don’t feel it? I am angry that you died at the moment then I was coping with my mom’s alcoholism and I couldn’t react. I still feel this pain. I am done here. I can’t. But thanks for reading to this point. I tried to put all I have in hope that it can help you too.

    • Yvonne  April 20, 2019 at 5:43 am Reply

      Dear Charlie. I found your post very moving indeed. I am a grandma with a grandson your age. I also had a great deal to do with his growing up and love him absolutely unconditionally. The last thing I would want is for him to hurt when I go. That’s why your post has moved me so much because I read in your words that you are hurting. More than anything I believe your grandma would want you to be free from pain. To lead a happy and healthy life. As a grandma I know. One day you may become a grandparent and play a wonderful role in your grandchildren’s lives. Believe me grandchildren are the greatest unexpected gift from whom you learn so much. Keep yourself well and healthy and as happy as you can be. It’s all that your grandma would want. By the way my father was an alcoholic. That’s another story. My mother died almost a year ago and up until now I was wondering where
      my feelings went. Then I read your post. So thank you. Take care of yourself.

  93. Marion  April 19, 2019 at 11:13 am Reply

    Last December -2018- I went out of state because my sister was in her final illness. She died soon after my arrival. Next day my car was totaled but not my fault! Luckily, just had a chipped fingernail. 12 days later another sister died unexpectedly. Tried my best to clear up many disorganized official papers and also visited my brother in a nursing home.
    Then I came home after 44 days. Soon it was Valentines Day when I got a phone call that my brother had died that same day! 3 siblings in a short amount of time. I feel nothing. Like I’m totally empty inside. I don’t even want to be comforted by others.
    My family was closer when we were young & I’m currently having a case of ” the guilties.” What more could I have done?
    Finally asked for an anti-depressant; was given Wellbutrin, low dose. Takes 3-4 weeks to start working. Aaaargggh!

    • Tegan  April 25, 2019 at 11:19 pm Reply

      Wow, that’s some harsh stuff to get through and not feel anything. As the saying goes, there is always someone worse off. But wow. I lost my mother a few weeks ago, cried off and on for the first day. Now I’m numb. I try to cry, I can’t. Used to be able to on q! But for the loss of my mother. One day is all I cried. And now I’m seeming ” like a bitch” because I can’t do it for a reason. I was impeccably close to my family but mum was my best friend. So I feel I have lost two influential females in my life at the same time.

      I think it’s okay to be numb. Protect yourself from more hurt. I don’t however like that I don’t care about anyone but me now. Seems rude. But it’s scared me more than made me emotional.

      I still pretend mum’s just asleep when I call dad to see how he is a that she can never answer the phone again or see her smile when I visit. It’s freaking hard.

      I feel it in my heart when it pounds as it hink of thoughts of her. Happy ones. I don’t feel emotion, just “feel”.. but never let it out. It’s there then it’s gone. Wierd. But it’s tragic.

      • Dinesh  December 10, 2019 at 4:19 am

        I lost my mom a week ago, and i totally felt like you! 2 days before her passing, we had a chat about life after being humans. We agreed that we will be one with the stars. I miss her, i miss everything about my mother, but i dont feel as sad as the first 5 days. I think she is free now.

  94. Brian  June 9, 2019 at 6:47 pm Reply

    My partner is going through this feeling of numbness three days ago we had a miscarriage an it’s been so hard for us both , I’ve been trying to hold it together an be supportive, she’s worried she lost all her feelings for me she kissed me three times an said she can feel anything no rang of emotions im trying to stay strong but I worry this may be the end of us an I love her so much , how can I help my beautiful girl the baby is still inside her everyone is praying for her that when she has it out she may regain some feelings but we are also so worried I love her so much so also doesn’t want to talk to a counselor ,I love her so much an don’t want to lose her I’d do anything for her , what can I do

    • Mindy  July 13, 2019 at 5:58 am Reply

      Hi, I’ve only just been reading this article and saw your message. I’m so sorry to hear of your loss. I hope you and your dear OH are starting to heal, and you managed to get some help/ guidance.
      If not it maybe that she (and you) need some time to process what’s happened, and find some answers as to what’s happened (which can sometimes help). If she’s not opening up to you or her family/ friends it may be that you could suggest a trip to a therapist or dr. It maybe that these are extreme and she may not want to see a professional (everyone’s different) but between her (and your) support network try to get her to open up a little at a time. Just being there (even in silence) can work wonders.
      I hope you’re moving forward.

  95. lenz  June 11, 2019 at 7:48 am Reply

    i haven’t felt anything since my mom died 15 years ago. i haven’t had that feeling and excitement of going out, meeting someone, falling in love or anything until recently, 31 may 2019 to be exact. a friend introduced me to a guy on facebook where we befriended each other. i have developed feelings for him over the next few days but on 05 june 2019, my life changed forever.

    it’s his 25th birthday and in the morning he dropped me a message on messenger asking how i am doing and asking if i could give him my number. i was not at home when those messages were sent so i only received it when i got back home that afternoon. but little did i know that those messages will already be his last coz i learned from his friend that evening that leukemia robbed him of his precious life.

    i was devastated and all broken coz i do not even know he’s dying and that for the first time in 15 years, i thought i found someone special whom i can possibly share my life with. if only i stayed home that day maybe, just maybe, he could have called and probably he said, we said, our last goodbyes.

    now, i am physically sick and broken and it’s as if i have been shaken down to my core. i am grieving once again, mourning for the guy that could have been my “partner” and although the thought of him being in a better place now, free of pain and at peace, does not really help in easing the pain and suffering i am in right now.

    i have been broken for 15 years and just when i thought i could start picking the pieces again because of him, the broken me was further shattered into tiny bits that i really do not know how to cope with his loss. every time i close my eyes, i see his face smiling and i end up crying… it’ll be a week tomorrow and these past few days i have been wondering if i can still carry on and continue living without him. i want to hold unto him but i do not know how specially i have only knew him for a while, i want to keep him alive in my heart but i don’t hold enough memories of him. i really do not know how to go about this loss….

    • Lazar  July 27, 2019 at 11:59 am Reply

      I really feel sorry for you and may he rest in piece. It seems that life have tendencies to make us feel guilty after someone we love dies. About 4 years ago, my friend was participating in some football competition and he invited me to watch him but for some silly reason i didn’t go and i haven’t hear from him anything after that neither i called him to explain him. Tomorrow he drowned…. we were supposed to go somewhere and celebrate as tomorrow was my birthday, but he haven’t even got a chance to see messages i have sent him. He was buried on my birthday. Since then i feel gilt for not going to that dumb tournament and not letting him know why i didn’t come. Even if i know that it wasn’t such a big deal for him probably, i still feel that guilt. I became totally cold and distanced since then, i don’t want to hear about birthdays and i’m not letting anyone to congratulate me. I don’t see a point. I can’t help you really and i haven’t lost any of my parent yet and i can’t possibly know how you are feeling, but i know that it’s fucked up. I hope you will find a way to go through this. I haven’t, i can’t and i’m afraid of making any new serious connections because at the end only pain remains. I recently met a girl that seems to understand me better than anyone, yet we know each other just for few months… and i’m getting that fear again, even if i tried to distance my self so i don’t experience it again. Life is bitch, but i would like to believe that he came into your life to make you realize that there is still someone out there who is waiting for you and by distancing your self you won’t find them. And you came into his life to make him feel special and beautiful human being as he was for the very last time. Hope you will find a way!

      • Amy Christensen  August 7, 2019 at 4:36 am

        I hope you both figure things out. Lazar, please try not to distance yourself from this girl that you like…she might be what you need in order to have hope for people, life, and yourself again. You say she understands you better than anyone else…talk to her. Tell her your feelings about death and life and love. Tell her you’re afraid of losing her. Tell her how important sheis to you. Us women love hearing things like this. We love knowing you can be yourself, and that you are human and have emotions and problems too. I think the previous poster might have not liked her dad very much, maybe she didnt have a very good relationship with him, maybe that’s why she cared about a guys death that she knew for a month more than her father’s. I’m not really sure. Death is a weird thing, and makes us feel and do weirder things. You will be okay I promise. I have hope! I hope you find all the love and happiness life has to offer.

  96. Stephanie  June 11, 2019 at 4:49 pm Reply

    My dad committed suicide 1 year ago today. At first It felt like I had just flipped a switch so I could take care of my mom, younger sister, and my husband (they were the best of friends). Since that time we have gone through the some of the hardest things that my family has ever experienced. I was the strong one and worried about everyone else and still do. The only time I have cried is when I got into a big argument with my mom. I am seeing someone professionally but I feel like I have either bottled up every emotion I have ever had regarding my dad or I am broken and not normal. I actually took that same gun out to the shooting range today just to see if it could help uncork that bottle a little or at least be a cathartic experience. I left the range still having no feelings either way towards my dad’s suicide. It is so hard to be around everyone that can openly grieve or show any emotions around the event when I simply shrug and say he’s dead it is what it is. I am hoping this new Dr. I have just started with can help but for now I am just numb.

  97. Holly  August 11, 2019 at 8:18 pm Reply

    My neighbor across the street died last night and I still yet to feel sadness. I know that I’m sad that she died but it doesn’t

  98. Holly  August 11, 2019 at 8:18 pm Reply

    My neighbor across the street died last night and I still yet to feel sadness. I know that I’m sad that she died but it doesn’t
    Right .

  99. Clara  August 22, 2019 at 1:24 am Reply

    My good friend died. He jumped out of a window. I have not only known him as a friend but we’ve been romantic together as well. No matter what he was always my good friend. I loved him as a person and never once had any negative feelings about him. He was always my very good to me and helped me in many situations. I loved him so much. He jumped out of a window and fell to his death. I have only cried once about it when I got the call. I cried from anxiety rather than pain and I haven’t cried since. I think about him every day but my mind will not adjust to him being dead so I can’t grieve. I’ve tried to force myself to understand his death but I can’t fully comprehend it. It’s been about 4 months. People have asked me how I am and all I can say is “it hasn’t hit me yet” because it truly hasn’t. I don’t know how to deal with it.

  100. Olivia  August 27, 2019 at 1:58 pm Reply

    I lost my fiancé a few weeks ago. Everything was being planned and prepared to move forward and then he just died. I switch between days of complete apathy and days where I can’t stop crying. I have friends around to help me but sometimes there are days where I don’t want them around. I have no feelings for them I have no feelings at all. I have no motivation for anything anymore. All I can think about was that things were all coming together and then in the blink of an eye they fell apart. He was the love of my life. I won’t get another chance at this. People try to lie and tell me that’s not true but I know he was the other half of my soul and I’ll never have him back. I know how he was and that he’d be so upset if I just gave up because I lost him but I don’t know what to do without him either. It’s like there’s no point. I know it’s only been a few weeks and losing someone this close it takes longer to get over than that but it scares me how badly I have ceased to function. I’m not close with my family and I’ve never lost anyone I loved this much before. I’ve never felt pain like this and it seems nothing takes it away. I’m trying but I there are points where it’s just like “well I don’t care anymore” and give up, feel nothing, and stop trying. It’s hell.

    • Stephen  October 17, 2019 at 11:42 am Reply

      I am so sorry to hear that, I don’t know what you’re going through but I’ve had my own experience,much love to you x x.

  101. is anyone reading these any more  September 8, 2019 at 10:39 am Reply

    My dad died six months ago and I felt “normal” (although dealing with the stress of taking care of his medical care and estate), but suddenly now I just don’t feel anything. I come home from work and just go to my room and sit in silence, thinking about nothing. On the weekends I do things on my to-do list but otherwise just sit in a chair or stay in bed doing and thinking nothing. Time is going by. Nothing in life seems interesting any more and I don’t have much appetite for food or working on any projects. I also don’t want to be around people any more. I am starting to think that life is just a big scam or an evil thing that has tricked people into wanting to do things. I find myself wanting to be more with the 70 billion people who have already died in human history than with being with living people. Don’t worry, I won’t kill myself… I’m too lazy and not wanting to do anything, for that to ever happen.

    • Disco  September 15, 2019 at 9:38 pm Reply

      If you want to talk, and have discord, im Disco#1022. I consider myself a good listener and can give somewhat decent advice, that goes for anyone else that sees this comment.

  102. Alex  September 26, 2019 at 2:51 am Reply

    My brother died suddenly 3 months ago in a motorbike accident. We had a week to sit with him in the hospital before he died. I took on the role of settling his estate and have since more or less finished doing this. Other than a few very small bouts of sadness, when I think about him I often feel nothing. I thought that after I had dealt with his affairs it may start to settle in, but still nothing. I feel guilty for feeling this way, and sometimes try and force myself to think of sadness in an attempt to feel some sort of emotion. Day to day I am still getting on with things ok, there is joking around at work etc, and things remind me of him, but no deep sadness that I feel like I should be experiencing. I am scared that I will never feel the sorrow that I want to… And like others have said I feel like some sort of sociopath, cold and emotionless – but only in relation to his death.

  103. Ann  October 3, 2019 at 12:09 am Reply

    My husband has been like that for 24 months. And he does not show any sign of willing to get better. I have tried everything: psychiatrists, psychologists, therapists, priests, friends, travels abroad, forced committment to a mental facility , you name it. He is simply gone. The body in that bed has nothing inside. To me, he is dead; he has been dead for the past 24 months and I am just waiting until it the time comes to physically bury that empty body that stays almost 20 hours in bed every day.

    • Stephen  October 17, 2019 at 11:40 am Reply

      I was in madly love , we broke up almost 3 years ago now. I rolled around in bed a few mornings ago and she was with me,it was like we just met.
      Reality begun to hit me slowly but surely, I’m typing this to you now and I barely feel anything. This is cruel. I’ve never understood the idea of suicide so clearly until now, the removal of utter confusion and nothingness,pain and complete torture.
      I’m starting to see a pattern in my grief though,it starts with painful,stingish like nerve feelings in my body,my head becomes manic and panicky,i think of all sorts.
      The day after I become clinically brain-dead,barely functioning. Somewhere along the line I break down into a heap.

      • Handani  October 18, 2019 at 5:12 am

        Hi, I was once like you. I cannot sleep, eat, got panic attack, i am always in fear…i fear that death will take someone I loved and i will feel this pain again ( i was like that when my dad died – 9 years ago). I’ve been like that for 3 months, and one day – the thought of suicide came across my mind. Thankfully – i was raised with religion that God will never forgive someone who took suicide.
        I could not go to the mall because the noise/crowd will make me panic.
        I then tried my best to fight the feeling of sad/numb/panic. I push myself to go to a small shop, then try to stay there for 1 hour, then go to a bigger mall with longer period.
        Then I also forgive myself, I forgive all my regrets to my dad, I know the person who loved us, will never want to see us broke down. I pray all day. I ate every food that will boost my endorphin i.e. Chocolate, Strawberry and I eat egg and high protein milk for my energy. I did not push myself too hard. every time I feel tired, I rest.
        You have to find something that wake your heart. find a new person. or you can have a dog, or play with kids. hug them. you will feel the love inside your heart.
        I was so drawn in grief at that time. I ignore my career but it’s OK. At that time – my mental health was the number 1 priority. If you believe in God, pray to God for strength in through it. Let God guide you to find your way home.
        Stephen, i was a survivor of grief. believe me. This too shall pass. Believe me. In the mean time, please take care of your body. Eat a good food, sleep – if you can. if not take some sleeping pills but make sure it doesn’t make addiction. our body can heal by themselves. You just have to believe.

  104. Sarah  October 12, 2019 at 8:21 pm Reply

    My child died August 6 of this year. I feel no reason to continue a meaningless existence for another 20, 30, or 40 years. I live for coming home from work so I cam medicate myself and slip into the oblivion of sleep. I’m a shell the rest of the time and it is becoming more and more exhausting maintaining the facade.

    • Rebecca M Gray  October 28, 2019 at 12:19 am Reply

      Hi Sarah, I too lost my child. It was 11 years ago, last September 15th. I was a champion, carrying on life, but in the last couple years I’ve started to stumble….this past 2 years have been the worst. It finally hit me, I’m dead inside, but keep the facade up and going. It’s okay to feel or not feel. Everyone grieves differently. Today I found out I’m going to have a grandson… That’s my purpose, I will survive, and life goes on just like it will till the end of time. Only you can fix this. I want you to take a deep breath and put one foot in front of the other. I’m here for you always.

    • Andrea  November 8, 2019 at 7:10 pm Reply

      I’m so sorry, Sarah. Im a grieving mom also. It’s not right to be here without our children, I am looking to the day when I see my son again. Try to fill the days with memories. And talk about your child often, I’d love to hear everything g moment you want to share.

  105. Dangster  October 20, 2019 at 2:29 am Reply

    Hey thank you for posting this
    Actually i was a person who felt that during my cousins funneral and i actually felt that i am the robot, because i was very close to him
    Thanks for posting this.This showed me what happened to me
    Keep posting articles like this.

  106. LouiseB  October 21, 2019 at 10:40 am Reply

    My husband’s sister died 7 months ago after 8 months in hospital. She was in her fifties with learning difficulties and he always helped his elderly mum to care for her. At the same time, his mum was very poorly too do he did everything for them. 5 weeks after his sister’s funeral my husband said he wants to end our relationship after 20 years of marriage (we have 13 year old son) and wants to live on his own. Although there were some issues in our marriage that I’m happy to work on, he says there’s no point. I’ve tried to talk to him but am met with refusals and upsetting words that have left me feeling depressed. I tried to support him through his sister and mother’s illnesses and was exhausted afterwards, and this has made things even worse, for his feelings to be directed at our marriage. His dad died 6 years ago and now there is only his 82 year old mother left in his family and he’s responsible for her. He downright refuses to believe any of his feelings about our relationship are grief or stress or a midlife crisis and says that after his sister died life is just ‘the new normal.’ Im trying to support him but it’s difficult when it’s directed at me. I’ve told him now that I have to accept he wants to leave because I can’t handle any more and it’s difficult for me to hide it from his son. He refuses counselling and doesn’t have close friends to talk to, and doesn’t think he needs to anyway. Any advice is welcome

    • Cherie  December 7, 2019 at 7:25 am Reply

      I hope my words encourage you…this is the short version of long travail. When I was married 34 my years my husband left. We were drawing closer together and to Jesus. God let me know that If I would stand for my husband, He would bring him home. For over 3 years I stood for him as God encompassed me with his Word, encouraging visions, songs, words from family and friends, miraculous signs and wonders. My husband came home Suddenly one day! We had a joyous remarriage celebration with our children and friends. Sadly 16 months later…this year he went home to Jesus. I give praise to God for restoring our marriage and family and at the same time I Greatly Grieve the the loss of my husband again so soon.
      God is faithful to you and He keeps his promises. Trust Him with all of your cares…with all of your heart.

  107. Keyan  October 27, 2019 at 9:12 pm Reply

    I’m still young but I might as well be dust I wait and I wait for some sort of happiness but I a cough is the most joyful thing I had in days which might as well be years I have no grief I am incapable of that maybe I should say something about the null ness that I feel but still I might as well just move on I’ve never hade no death or no sad and tragic moment I would feel the same enjoyment I feel alive if I were dead no purpose.

    • Deb Boutland  December 21, 2019 at 2:29 pm Reply

      Kenyan, if I had to guess I would say you have had a traumatic life. The numbness is a protective mechanism. I would suggest a psychologist or free counselling. Start by calling a help line for the phone numbers.

  108. Boss Lady  November 2, 2019 at 12:47 am Reply

    I lost my mom in May of 2017, and I cried a lot the first night flipping through our pictures together. She was my best friend and it feels like I lost a piece of my soul, my consiousness (sp) after she died. I haven’t been happy, I haven’t felt any positive emotion what-so-ever, only anger, jealousy, apathy, sadness, hopeless. It’s like my life has been on a constant downward spiral since she died. My husband left me, I lost a good job, I had to move cities and move in with my Dad. He never was much of a father to me, but I’ll commend him, when my mom died he really stepped up and helped me out a lot… I miss my Mom so much, but its like my brain just made me forget. Just completely erased her… Sometimes i will remember what her hands looked like, or how you could hear her in any isle of the grocery store bc she use to hang her keys on her purse and her key ring could rival that of a janitors. .. but those are rare occasions, and I exude some emotion during that time, my eyes will well up with tears but I’ll never cry. Her and I were insanely close we talked ever day usually twice, I lived with her basically my entire adult life, she was the only person in my life that will ever love me unconditionally, and without question. That is a very sobering realization…

    About a year after she died my husband left me, my dog got hit by a car and she died, then my favorite Aunt died almost a year to the day that my mom did, then I lost my best friend 2 years TO THE DAY my mother died. I lost an awesome job, had to relocate, got into a toxic relationship with an emotionally unavailable man that I fell in love with. Its been a hurricane of s*** the last couple years. See what I mean though?? Downward spiral since she died. I am sure that it hasn’t been all bad, but the good parts just go by me and I don’t even acknowledge them because I can’t feel them. I hope this b/s is over soon. I am getting pretty tired of it.

  109. Michelle  November 11, 2019 at 3:54 am Reply

    I’ve just lost my dad a few days ago, it all happend so quick, that day he seemed alright, went to work as usuall and even joked around when he left the office at noon where he asked my mum to pick him up cus he felt terrible and couldnt drive, that day i only got to see him after school in the hospital but we didnt exchange anywords & i went home without even saying goodbye thinking evrythings gonna be alright with mum there,not knowing that was the last time i get to see him. He had died when i woke up from my sleep, i felt guilty, but to this day couldnt really feel anything else..i pity my mum and my lil brother for being left behind but i myself couldnt feel any sadness or cry either..im tired of people saying “its okay to cry and be sad” when in actuall i dont feel like crying. I sometimes think im a robot n dont hv emotions.i feel guilty for the people who really cares about me

  110. Nici  November 16, 2019 at 3:26 pm Reply

    I lost my parents in a car accident and 16 years later lost my only sister to cancer. I am only now feeling the anger….. BUT……… i do believe they are just on the other side the veil…… their music is all around us, all we have to do is listen.

  111. Misty P  November 18, 2019 at 7:33 pm Reply

    I lost my son suddenly to drug-induced suicide in July at age 22. I am now at the point of emotional numbness. My mind doesn’t work the way it used to, I’m forgetful and get mentally tired easily. I’m not sleeping well and It’s causing my job to suffer. I feel like I have ADD now. I think I went back to work too soon, about two weeks later. Its all just too much for me right now. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of him. I fear that I will forget what he looked like, or how his laugh sounded. He was my firstborn, my only son. I have two younger daughters. The holidays are approaching and not having him with us will be difficult. I was recently remarried. He was supposed to walk me down the aisle. I feel like a piece of me is gone. I have an amazing support system around me and that has helped. And my relationship with God has kept me going. I haven’t been to see a doctor or counselor yet, I guess maybe I should. Not seeing him or talking to him for so long is hard to deal with. and the guilt of not doing a better job as a mom gets to me at times. Its just surreal that he is gone and that I will never see him again.

    • Felicia  December 3, 2019 at 12:27 pm Reply

      I am praying for you! I have a teen son who feels extremely hopeless and I have done so much for him , therapy, talking, meds, listening, supportive…. and it seems to help, but nothing seems to make that feeling he has, go away completely. Please try to fight those feelings of guilt; you can be the best and most involved parent, and still not get through to them completely. Keep your faith, keep him in your heart, live your life, I’m sure that’s what he would want for you! God bless you!

    • Elizabeth  January 11, 2020 at 1:59 am Reply

      I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your son. He was too young and it sounds like you loved him dearly. Drug addiction is such a terrible thing and I’ve been through it with my brother and he’s lucky to be alive today. The mother son bond is something beautiful. I have an 11 old boy myself and he’s my only one. I can’t imagine what you are going through losing him. I lost my dad last Christmas to a very rare type of cancer called Liposarcoma. Him and I were extremely close and he had just recently given my boyfriend his blessing for ya to get married.
      But now I don’t want to even get married without him here. He was the person I turned to for everything and we were so much alike. I’ve been in a deep depression since he passed and I even got fired from my job. I am only 31 and don’t know how I will cope moving forward without him. I have felt numb as of recently and feel that I’m on autopilot.
      I hope things get better for you and you can find some peace with your sons passing. My prayers are with you.

    • Tracey Maule  January 18, 2020 at 2:53 am Reply

      MistyP I feel your words so powerfully. My son michael was killed in a crash October 2918. I was ok for a while but now I’m numb. Devoid. I want to cry. Desperately. But it’s like I’ve dried up and can’t feel anymore. I’m terrified I’m going to lose my memories Of michael and that freezes me even more. The brittleness of my existence is just scary. I read your post and felt like I wrote it. I’m so sorry for your achingly painful loss of your son. Your firstborn. Michael was mine as well. I have a surviving daughter who I’m trying to keep alive after losing her brother. Life feels l in e a duty. I wish you every good thought and piece of happiness and love you can find.

    • Liz  January 18, 2020 at 9:59 pm Reply

      I just want to say I’m sorry for your loss and you will see him again get right for him don’t let those voices get in your head and take over you you will see him again he wants you to do what’s right god has him and it’s never too late to the wrong thing make tomorrow a new day and try to do what’s wrong for your son you can do this and believe in god ask him for the strength to get through this

    • Elaine D  January 25, 2020 at 6:57 am Reply

      Misty, wow. I am just beside myself reading this. Today, for me is day 10 of what I am calling my new life. Life without my son. He was also 22, committed suicide – but I think it was something more than depression, maybe drugs. It’s all so weird. Nothing about his death makes sense to me. But, for the rest of the world it looks like a classic suicide unless you really knew him, and what he was like. Anyways, I was so worried because for the last day or so I have been losing my ability to cry and be in touch with my feelings. I also have two younger daughters and I am worried that I am losing my identity. I read this article and instantly thought of a fight I picked with my husband early yesterday morning. I have been praying, journalling, meditating, trying to sleep (waking up too early), trying to eat well. Today is his memorial, and I cannot seem to feel anything but distance and disconnection. I go back to work on Monday.

      • Sally  March 14, 2020 at 9:48 pm

        Oh my gosh….. your story is so like mine, my beautiful first born daughter passed away 5 weeks ago…. she appeared a little down for about a week then went for a walk and got hit by a train, leaving a wonderful husband and two little boys…. no of it makes sense to me at all… it is being treated as suicide but everyone who knew her says she wouldn’t do that And leave her boys 😢
        I feel totally numb & empty and unable to cry… it’s such a weird feeling I feel like in a constant dream, foggy and unreal, can’t explain it..
        I believe I’m in survival mode & 𝐀uto pilot, just trying to make sure everyone else is ok…. her hubby her boys her brother and sister… doing their shopping and cooking etc
        I’ve got so much other stuff going on in my life too and it’s just like I don’t care I’ve got no feeling
        Sending you all love & light, hoping that we will get through this somehow

  112. Ben Grogan  December 14, 2019 at 1:22 am Reply

    My father has had a stroke a few months ago

    Well specifically 2 strokes and a heart attack – they had to excise a full hemisphere of his brain so there is no hope of him ever needing anything less than full medical care

    The man raised me to be the best person I could be, empathetic without being overly emotional – always trying to understand what the other side was thinking or feeling at any given time

    The family is centered around the business, and it looks like it’s going down hill and gaining speed meaning My sister, Her husband, my niece and my mother’s fiscal future is dissipating fast
    My dad is terrified, He doesn’t know the full extent of his injuries, nor the fact they are permanent
    He always said he never wanted to be stuck in a bed with no dignity and that he would prefer death to existence in such a state
    My mother? on the phone literally every night for the last 2 months crying and wretching tears out

    The closest I have come to actually breaking in tears was hearing a quote inside a song
    This doesn’t feel like it’s broken me…But I feel broken…Because I just can’t feel it
    And I hate it.

  113. Robyn  December 17, 2019 at 5:02 pm Reply

    I lost my mother 2 weeks ago today after a short illness (4 days). I can’t seem to cry, my life seems to be normal. I cried at her funeral but that’s it. I pick her ashes up today and hopefully it will break me, as I can’t stand to feel the numbness I’m feeling. If not, I’m off to seek a greif Councillor

    • susan andrews  February 3, 2020 at 10:51 am Reply

      I lost my Mom 4 days age and didnt even miss work. I can’t cry or really feel anything. I also became a Grandma on Dec 4th.he was a premie and we could of lost him easily. I am a nurse and see death everyday. I havn;t bonded with my gGrandson, I ended up coding him at home . He surved. I asumed I was gaurding myself with him and love would develope as he grew stronger. It hasn’t. Now this with my Mom. I dont really know why? Im usually over emotional. Now Im empty

  114. Jayden  January 10, 2020 at 9:06 am Reply

    I just want to say everything is really hard because our whole family lost a special 19 year old to us the day after christmas. He was someone who if you bbn let him be apart of your life he would be like a brother to you because he was just that type of nice person.

  115. Sharon Walker  January 17, 2020 at 4:21 pm Reply

    Reading all your comments

  116. Sharon Walker  January 17, 2020 at 4:22 pm Reply


  117. Lea  January 23, 2020 at 4:29 pm Reply

    I’m so glad to have found this webpage, it makes me realise that I am not abnormal for feeling void of emotion since losing my only child. It’s been 2 years now and I feel I’m becoming more heartless the longer time passes.

    I just feel like I don’t care about anyone’s drama or nonsense anymore. Nothing compares to losing a child, I feel I only have empathy for parents who are experiencing the same pain. I tried counselling but just felt it wasn’t for me.

    Thank you for sharing your feelings it’s been most helpful.

  118. Rayne  January 23, 2020 at 9:03 pm Reply

    So relieved I’m not alone. I searched “feeling numb after losing my father.” He died suddenly the end of October. I think maybe it is some type of survival instinct we have. We just keep moving along even though we miss them but it’s so strange to be numb.

  119. Sharry Wood  January 26, 2020 at 9:02 pm Reply

    I lost my wonderful beautiful and big hearted son on new year’s Eve. He was 22 years old and special needs. I was very sudden and unexpected. I was there with him when he died at home. He seemed to have a cold. He responded to my asking what’s wrong and he stopped breathing. I did CPR until the EMT’s arrived and took over. He was pronounced at home. I lost it. Very emotional. Cried everyday and then I stopped. I am very sad and love and miss him more than I could ever explain. However I can’t cry. I feel nothing. Actually I forget sometimes that he’s gone and I have to remind myself it’s not a dream. That’s how it feels like I’m stuck in a dream or coma and can’t wake. What’s wrong with me?

  120. Caitee  February 24, 2020 at 3:08 pm Reply

    My best friend died on Feb 22nd. She was partying with her girlfriend and took something she’d never taken before and passed away in her sleep. We had been friends since kindergarten, so about 15 years.
    The day I found out I was absolutely devastated and I cried all that day and yesterday. But today I feel nothing. I haven’t cried. I’ve been in bed all day. I dont wanna talk to anyone or be around anyone. I dont want to do anything. It’s very disconcerting when yesterday my whole body felt so heavy with grief.

  121. Haley  February 26, 2020 at 10:38 pm Reply

    I just lost my mother on the 22nd. She was only 47 years old and it was completely out of the blue. We were so, so, SO close. We shopped together all the time and now I dont know how Ill ever be able to do that again either. Im only 22 years old and have no idea what Im going to do without my mom. I love her so much. But some days I just feel so empty, and completely devoid of emotion. Its the worst feeling, Id rather be sobbing.

  122. Ashley Rochelle  March 25, 2020 at 8:32 am Reply

    It has been helpful to read these posts. My mom passed away a week ago after a traumatic 6 week stay in the hospital. She passed away in a hospice house and I was in the room by myself with her when it happened. I will never be able to forget it. I cried constantly when she was in the hospital and then cried hard for about 10 minutes after she passed but since then I haven’t been able to cry at all. Like many of you have said, I just feel completely numb. I try to cry sometimes to release emotion but I just can’t. I am an extremely emotional person by nature so this is very abnormal for me. I’ve been drinking way too much. It helps at the time but then the next morning I always feel depressed. I have a 2 and 1/2 year old and a 2 month old. When my mom went into the hospital my baby was only 2 weeks old and I was still bleeding. I feel like it’s just too much for my brain to process. I’m hoping to get into some counseling soon. Any advice is appreciated.

    • Terri Lee  March 27, 2020 at 3:29 am Reply

      Hi Ashleigh,
      I am sorry for the loss of your Mother, I too lost my Mum on the 16th March 2020, she had COPD but she was fine the day before she passed away . I was also with her when she passed away suddenly and cried that night as well, but like you I thought I would be a basket case on the floor in a ball the next day. But I had to do the arrangements so I thought after that it will hit me, then I thought maybe after the funeral last Monday it would sink in and again like you the only feeling I have is absolute numbness and brain fog. I had been goggling these weird feelings and came across this website. I loved my Mum very much and that is why this feeling is so hard to accept. I think it helps to know that I am not alone in these feeling and I maybe in time we will grieve in our own way. But I can honestly say I know exactly how you are feeling.

      • Sally  March 29, 2020 at 6:35 am

        I have just been reading your posts and totally relate to these.
        I lost my mum on 12th March to COPD. She has battled with this for many years. Although we knew she was close to the end. We didn’t realise she was that close.

        A month before that I lost my beloved cat who was such a big part of my life.

        I felt broken hearted and now I am starting to feel nothing. Like it is someone else or a bad dream.

        It doesn’t help with the current situation. But I started to feel like I was heartless and hoped the funeral would help. I have cried but I have switched off in a way and now feel nothing. It’s a weird situation.

        It’s good to hear that this is common.

    • Emma  April 2, 2020 at 5:14 pm Reply

      I lost my aunty one week ago tonight. The first two days all i did was cry and now nothing. I’m heartbroken and I can’t stop thinking about her but it’s like I’m numb. She was a twin and my other aunty is devastated. They lived together and we where all so close. It feels like it’s not real like I’m not allowing myself to feel now. I was with her almost every day and I miss her so much. Her funeral is tomo and there is only 15 of us allowed. She was such an amazing women who loved and cared for everyone. I think I’m terrified tomo that it will all hit me and seem real and I’m also scared that I still feel numb. I will be traveling on my own and will have to sit by myself because of social distancing and I’m worried about that also. It’s just such a horrible time. I’m so glad I found this page and that I’m not the only one feeling like this. So sorry for everyone’s loses xxxx

      • Greg  April 5, 2020 at 2:12 am

        Hi Emma,

        I’m so sorry about your aunty. It’s clear from your comments how deeply you loved her and miss her, so I hope that your current feeling of numbness doesn’t make you think that something’s wrong with the way you’re grieving. I too am currently feeling numb; my mom passed away on Tuesday due to the coronavirus. I’ve been able to talk with my therapist online, and to family & friends, but my emotions have been so variable, that at times I’ve been wondered if I’m “doing it (grieving) right”, or if something is wrong with me. I’m learning (through my therapist, friends, and sites like this), that it’s absolutely ok to have lots & lots of different feelings in the coming days/weeks/months, or no feelings at all for a while. I actually had an online therapy appointment already scheduled just an hour & a half after my mom died, and I talked about things relatively calmly with my therapist, but did cry a bit. Though for most of the day after that, I thought I was at peace, because I do believe she’s in heaven, and that it’s good to know she’s not suffering anymore, and so I really didn’t cry very much. But then later that night, I started to worry, ’cause it didn’t seem right for me to not have cried much. So I thought maybe I was in shock, and scheduled another appointment for Thursday with my therapist. Well, on Wednesday, I had my first big cry. About 30 minutes straight. So it was good to know that I could and would cry, but we can’t force it. I had a good talk with my therapist on Thursday, and she assured me that yes, it’s totally normal to feel different things at different times, or sometimes feel nothing. So since then, sometimes I’ve been able to go about my normal activities (though “normal” in light of all the social distancing isn’t really normal at all), sometimes I’ve cried tons of tears, and sometimes I’ve been able to smile and laugh about the good memories of my mom. One thing that helped me, though other websites suggest that you shouldn’t do this just to force yourself to cry, so please just do whatever feels ok to you, was to look at a picture of my mom and just talk to her out loud. At least for me, I found that it was much more helpful to do that than just crying without talking. So during the talk with my mom, I experienced a wide variety of emotions, and it seemed to help me feel more of the connection with her, rather than just the crying by itself, which didn’t make me feel as connected. I had also found on Wednesday that my ears got really stopped up, ’cause a lot of the time, I was crying just in my chest & breathing unsteadily, but very few tears were coming out. So that worried me too. When I got more tears out on Thursday, my ears got back to normal. But so a few hours ago tonight, I started feeling numb again. I was watching an interview on CNN where both a wife who lost her husband due to the coronavirus, and the CNN reporter, were crying, but it didn’t affect me much. So it bothered me that I’m currently numb, but I googled and found this site, and realize that I’m not alone. All of us who have lost loved ones and are posting here, will probably feel numb/sad/ok/other at different times, and it’s all ok. We feel this way (even when what we’re feeling is numbness), because we loved them.


  123. Grace  April 14, 2020 at 8:42 am Reply

    My husband died suddenly in a single car accident a couple of days ago. Before I was officially notified by the coroner I had a terrible fear/ anger towards him because the friend he was with and his wife (neighbors of ours) came over in the middle of night to tell me our husbands had been in an accident and he hit his head and was unconscious so he didn’t know where my husband was taken. He was banged up but was going to be fine and so was his cousin that was also with them. His wife offers to go with me to the hospitals and look for him. I decline and start calling hospitals and then our local police. Not being able to find him and the police insisting that someone will call be back after calling every hour for several hours and leaving messages. Finally I get a call back and I am told that he did not survive the wreck asnd my next step was to make arrangements for his funeral and the tears poured out of me. I immediately call his brother because I was unsure of how to break the news to his mother. He tells her, She becomes hysterical, inconsolable and suddenly I’m unable to shed anymore tears. I have so much to do arrangements to make I can’t cry. She’s so over the top in her grief that it became her show. Is that selfish of me? We aren’t newly weds, the major decisions belong to me and our girls and she took it from me. I am annoyed and bothered but not crying in grief. I feel awful about it a have good relationship with my in-laws

    • Greg  April 14, 2020 at 3:39 pm Reply

      Hi Grace,

      I’m so sorry to hear about your husband. Your reactions, and all the various emotions you’re experiencing, are all ok. When you feel numb, that’s ok too. You are not being selfish with regard to your mother-in-law, and I think that just by wondering if you are, means you’re not. This is such a difficult time for you, with the grief over losing your husband, the arrangements to be made, and the fact that your friends and relatives will all be grieving at the same time, on their own emotional schedule. Having lost my mom 2 weeks ago, I’m still seeing lots of mood swings and unpredictable emotions. I hope you can give yourself permission to feel whatever seems appropriate in the moment, including feeling numb when that’s all that’s there.


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