Grieving the Death of a Spouse or Significant Other

Understanding Grief / Understanding Grief : Eleanor Haley


Death, regardless of the details, is capable of devastating those it leaves behind.  Brother, sister, son, daughter, mother, or father – all losses are significant.  Although commonalities exist amongst people who have experienced a certain type of loss, individual grief is as unique as the person experiencing it and their relationship with the person who died.

While we are hesitant to categorize and careful not to compare, we do acknowledge that there’s merit in recognizing commonalities.  Shared experiences tell us, if nothing else, that we are not the only ones. And if other people have had struggles similar to our own, then maybe our grief isn’t as crazy as it sometimes seems.

Today we want to discuss some of the reasons why grieving the death of a spouse, fiancé, girlfriend, boyfriend, or significant other is difficult.  We aren’t going to tell you how to grieve these losses, because we don’t really believe ‘type’ of loss dictates a certain way of coping. However, we do know that these types of losses can present very specific barriers, stumbling blocks, and secondary losses.

Of note for people who don’t regularly read WYG: we have linked some of these to past posts which go much further in depth on the topic.  Also, we are going to use the term ‘partner’ and ‘significant other’ for the purposes of this article because they apply broadly, that’s our thought process and we’re sticking to it.  Thanks to our readers whose input went into writing this article.

 1. They were your best friend

We recently wrote a post about grieving the death of a best friend.  Afterwards many people commented that their partner was their best friend, which made their loss feel two-fold.

2. They were your go-to support person

Who was the first person you’d call when something happened?  It didn’t have to be a big something, like an emergency, it could have been a small something, like someone annoying you at work. For many of you, your significant other was the one person who knew how long to let you vent and how to calm you down.  In fact, there are times when you still pick up the phone to call them after a terrible day, only to be reminded that they are gone.

3. They provided you with unconditional love

Love may not be blind, but it is often very accepting.  Your partner may have been the one person knew how deeply flawed and crazy you were, but chose to love you anyway.  The world can feel dark when it seems like there is no one in it who will accept and love you for who you truly are.

4. They were the only person who really truly knew you

Perhaps your partner knew how you took your coffee and how you liked your eggs.  Maybe they knew your weaknesses and fears; where you came from; and what you’ve been through. It can be comforting to be ‘known’, but this kind of ‘knowing’ is not easy to come by and takes a long time to build.

5. They looked out for your needs and your well-being

Although they may have been selfish from time to time (who isn’t?), overall they probably thought of your needs and wanted you to be healthy and happy.  After having someone like this in your life, not having it can feel very scary and isolating.

6.  They were your source for physical intimacy and comfort

I’m not sure much needs to be said on this matter.  As a human you most likely crave some level of physical comfort.  It may be that you’re open to intimacy with someone new, but haven’t found anyone.  Or perhaps you long for intimacy, but can’t imagine that kind of closeness with anyone but your deceased loved one.

7. Your living space feels empty

You miss their mess, their snoring, their talking, their singing, and their TV blaring.  Your bed is half-empty when you go to bed at night, and again when you wake up in the morning.  Your home is incredibly lonely and way too quiet.

8. Logistics and secondary losses

After the death of a partner, there are endless logistical considerations like household chores, the loss of primary or secondary income, childcare, paying bills, paperwork, estates, dealing with their belongings, the loss of identity, and so on.  You can check out our post on secondary loss here.  Regardless of what you’re dealing with, trying to balance life after the death of a partner can come with a lot of responsibility and pressure.

9.  You feel pressure to do right by them

If you were your partner’s next-of-kin, the responsibility fell (falls) on you to make decisions on their behalf. Perhaps you knew what they wanted in terms of end-of-life care, funeral arrangements, estates, and belongings, but if not, you are left to guess. Hopefully, you have the support of your extended family, but in some instances it can feel like you’re fighting against everyone to do what’s right.  Sadly, guilt and regret over decisions made at the end of a person’s life can have an ongoing negative impact on your grief.

10.  You’re single again

A return to single status is hard for a hundred reasons.  To name a few, #’s 11, 12, 13 & 14.

11. You sometimes feel like a third wheel

Many people say they feel like a third wheel after the death of their partner, which can be awkward and alienating.

12. Pressure to start dating

People often push you to move on well before you’re ready

13.  Dating

How long have you been out of the dating pool?  Long enough to fear jumping back in?  Some people love dating…many do not. Although you may feel ready for a new relationship, you may simultaneously dread the thought of dating (we don’t blame you).

14. Your next relationship might not “get it”

We receive a lot of email from people who are dating while grieving and who are dating someone who is grieving.  Our anecdotal impression – it takes a special girlfriend/boyfriend to (1) understand death does not end a relationship, (2) allow the deceased’s memory into their life, and (3) understand that you can love a person in the present, while continuing to cherish a significant other who has died.

death of a spouse

15.  They were your co-parent

Parenting is hard; being a single parent is harder; being the single parent of grieving children is one of the hardest.  When your co-parent has died, all responsibility falls on you to keep your children safe, clothed and loved.  Parenting is difficult after a death for a hundred reasons, including #’s 16, 17,& 18.

16.  You have to watch your kids miss out

Every time a milestone happens – father/daughter dances; mother/daughter sleepovers; proms; weddings; drivers licenses – you have to live with the knowledge that your child’s excitement may be somewhat tempered by grief over the absence of one of their parents.

17.  You are the keeper of your loved one’s memory and family history

You may feel as though it’s your responsibility to keep your significant other’s memory alive in this world, especially for the sake of your children.  You are the link between your children and their deceased parent and so it is your job to help them stay connected.  This may feel like a lot of pressure, but it’s also a wonderful way to continue your bond with your loved one.

18.  You mourn all the things your significant other will miss out

You may grieve for everything your partner will miss (has missed) out on.  Special moments, having children, having grandbabies, retirement – these are things your significant other would have loved to experience.

19.  You mourn all the things you will miss out on now that your significant other is gone

After someone dies, it is normal to grieve the past as well as your hopes and dreams for the future.  Since your loved one has died, you will mourn for all the things you had dreamed of sharing with them.

20. Death is a threat to your identity

Are you a husband?  A wife?  A widow? A widower?  For so long your identity, in some way, was a reflection of your relationship with your significant other.  Now that you have to live on your own, without your partner, your identity may need to shift and change.

21.  You live with unresolved guilt and regret

It is common for people to feel guilt and regret about things that happened in their relationship with the deceased, even if these thing occurred years before the person died.  Perhaps you wish you had treated your partner better, perhaps they never forgave you for something, maybe you regret something you said, maybe you regret not saying enough, or maybe you feel guilty for the fact that you survived and they died.  The battlefield of love is fertile ground for the coulda’s, woulda’s, and shoulda’s that are typically seen in grief.

22.  Your relationship with their family and friends is changing

Sometimes, despite the best of intentions, people grow distant and they lose touch. There are a lot of caveats as to why this happens, but for the purposes of this post, it’s most important to acknowledge that in losing a significant other, sometimes your overall support system is cut in half.

23.  Special Days

You not only miss being able to spend special days with your significant other but now these days have become a minefield of reminders and grief triggers.

24.  You miss the thoughtful little things they used to do

Notes, oil changes, special dinners, birthday cakes, surprise lattes, gifts for no reason, compliments, inside jokes, letting you rest – whatever it was, it was unique to you and your loved one. Nothing can replace the joy they brought you.

25.  You miss the things that drove you crazy

To be honest, you also miss the things they did that drove you up a wall.

26.  Being on your own is hard

It’s hard to go from having a partner in life, to doing everything on your own.  It’s not that you can’t cope with life on your own, but you got used to the security and comfort of having someone at your side.

27.  You worry about being truly alone

You were supposed to grow old with your partner, and perhaps you worry that you will spend the rest of your life alone or lonely now that they have died.

28. You have to live the rest of your life without them

And without them, this feels like a really really long time.

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1,251 Comments on "Grieving the Death of a Spouse or Significant Other"

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  1. Charles Coons  July 4, 2020 at 10:12 pm Reply

    I lost my best friend, wife, Soul Mate, and Companion on August 12, 2018. We had been together for 12 years and married 9 1/2 years. Mary was 75 when she passed away. Today I’m all alone as my kids have all moved away and we don’t talk anymore. Mary was my third wife but the one I was closest to. With the other two of 32 years I was an over the road truck driver so I saw them little. I spent more time with Mary in our 12 years together. There were things she wanted to do but I never took the time to do them with her. I have learned and want to share with all of you. If there is ever something you want to do or someplace your loved one wanted to do or go to, don’t put it off for tomorrow as often those tomorrows never come. Then you have to live with it the rest of your life as I am doing now. Sweet dreams my love Mary love you husband Charles (Skip)

  2. Zoe Campos  June 29, 2020 at 1:54 am Reply

    Thank you for making me understand that it is perfectly okay for a person to grieve for the hopes and dreams that they lost along with their beloved. I’ve always wondered why my older sister wasn’t able to get over her boyfriend even if he passed on three years ago but your article made me realize that they share memories that she’s not ready to let go of. It might be better if she can seek grief counseling services so she can move on properly without the fear of losing him in her heart.

  3. Eleonora  June 15, 2020 at 1:55 am Reply

    Hi Everyone,

    I’ve been reading all these posts and I can’t believe how common this is. I lost my bf on August 29th, 2019 in Las Vegas as we were celebrating our 5 years together. He died right in front of me in our hotel room. He had a brain aneurysm that killed him within minutes. No one knew, not even himself that he had a brain aneurysm. Life made no sense to me when this happened. We were so happy and then out of nowhere he dies. The sad part is that we had no idea what was happening. I was supposed to get married to this man, even though he didn’t propose yet we were talking about it. He was going to do it in a few months. I had my whole life planned with him and it all changed in a instant. I went totally out of it as it was shocking and extremely painful. I still can’t believe it and my heart still hurts to this day. I went through severe depression, anxiety and even insomnia right about a month after this happened and now with help and medicine, I was able to bring myself back up to normality. Even though I’m more calm now, he comes into my mind everyday, missing him, not understanding how and why this happened but also hoping he’s in a good place. He taught me how humans can have a heart, be polite and see the good in everyone. He was the nicest and most caring man in the midst of many bad apples out there. He was my soul mate, my best friend and my confidant. How do you carry on a life of peace knowing you can’t hold him or hear his voice. It’s hard as I am 30 and thought my life was going to start with this man soon. He would’ve been a good father if we had children as we were expecting to. But I was wondering now you all cope on a regular basis?

    May peace be with all of you as we are going through this unfortunate journey.

  4. jane  May 19, 2020 at 8:34 pm Reply

    My husband’s emotional return
    Thanks to you priest manuka for what he has done for me! My husband stopped to fill out the divorce papers after I contacted him to help me stop the divorce with my husband and now things are much better now. As he said, the whole divorce process was canceled and the nasty woman who caused the problem in my marriage was fired by my husband and peace has been restored. Thank you for your help. [lovesolutiontemple1@ gmail. com]

  5. Cristina  May 2, 2020 at 5:21 pm Reply

    Dear Jim,I’m sorry for your loss which is so similar to mine.That’s why I felt the need to reply to you.It’s the first time that I write to someone that I don’t know.I ’m 63.I lost my husband of 31 years last January 26 2019.Already over a year ago.It seems yesterday.I lost him suddenly,unexpectedly.We have no children.He was everything to me.My companion, my best friend, my whole family.Since then I just survive, one day at the time, one day better, one day worse.I can’t even cry.It goes deeper than that.A total devastation, a complete loss of my identity.I don’t recognize myself anymore.I feel that nobody around me really understands what I’m going through.I receive a lot of platitudes from friends that,I know, mean well but that still have their normal lives while I’ve lost everything.And they anger me.I considered suicide but you must have courage to do it and I lost that too.I’m not giving you any soothing words.What happened to us is too terrible for that.I just want to tell you that I can truly understand you and your pain.I am in it myself.You’re not alone.Take care

  6. Zenae  April 27, 2020 at 9:36 am Reply

    Lost my soulmate of 25 years over the Xmas holidays . He hadn’t been well for a few years, but we never thought his life would end anytime soon. The reality of this loss didn’t hit me until very recently. Emotional numbness finally gave way to the deepest, most heart-wrenching pain and loneliness I’ve ever experienced. Being in lockdown during a historic pandemic only magnifies the grief. He’s not here to weather the storm with me, and he’s never coming back. Ever. The house that we shared for so long has become like an emotional minefield; everything in it is a trigger of tears. I can’t stop crying. Every single day, sometimes all day. I joined a church-based weekly grief support group back in January. It seemed like a positive thing to do, an active step toward (I hoped) feeling better. Unfortunately, the group leader uses the meetings as a platform to tell his own story over and over. Therapeutic for him, of course, but other people in the group aren’t getting enough “airtime.”

  7. Zenae  April 27, 2020 at 9:36 am Reply

    Lost my soulmate of 25 years over the Xmas holidays . He hadn’t been well for a few years, but we never thought his life would end anytime soon. The reality of this loss didn’t hit me until very recently. Emotional numbness finally gave way to the deepest, most heart-wrenching pain and loneliness I’ve ever experienced. Being in lockdown during a historic pandemic only magnifies the grief. He’s not here to weather the storm with me, and he’s never coming back. Ever. The house that we shared for so long has become like an emotional minefield; everything in it is a trigger of tears. I can’t stop crying. Every single day, sometimes all day. I joined a church-based weekly grief support group back in January. It seemed like a positive thing to do, an active step toward (I hoped) feeling better. Unfortunately, the group leader uses the meetings as a platform to tell his own story over and over. Therapeutic for him, of course, but other people in the group aren’t getting enough “airtime.”

  8. Melissa  April 21, 2020 at 2:38 pm Reply

    On the 5th April 2020 I lost my boyfriend of 3 years. We had known each other for 19 years but life kept us apart. We only had 3 wondeful years together and I can’t accept that he died in his sleep of a type of pulmonary embolism. He was just 43. I can’t comprehend the unfairness of it. How does one continue living life?
    I miss him so much. He was my best friend, the one I spoke to the most, the one who loved me fully. My love for him has nowhere to go.

  9. Melissa  April 21, 2020 at 2:38 pm Reply

    On the 5th April 2020 I lost my boyfriend of 3 years. We had known each other for 19 years but life kept us apart. We only had 3 wondeful years together and I can’t accept that he died in his sleep of a type of pulmonary embolism. He was just 43. I can’t comprehend the unfairness of it. How does one continue living life?
    I miss him so much. He was my best friend, the one I spoke to the most, the one who loved me fully. My love for him has nowhere to go.

  10. Laurence  April 8, 2020 at 1:46 pm Reply

    I lost my wife of 30 years to cancer on February 9th of this year. It is coming up on two months and the feelings are as raw or even moreso than the first week after. She was and remains my everything. I feel that I stopped living when she died and that I will never be happy again. If not for my kids, I’m not sure I would even be alive right now. Add to this, the pandemic we are now in and I can’t even be with the friends who have been my support all through her illness. I don’t know what the future holds in store but for now it is waking, eating and sleeping and the sleep doesn’t come until 4:00am. I hurt.

  11. Laurence  April 8, 2020 at 1:46 pm Reply

    I lost my wife of 30 years to cancer on February 9th of this year. It is coming up on two months and the feelings are as raw or even moreso than the first week after. She was and remains my everything. I feel that I stopped living when she died and that I will never be happy again. If not for my kids, I’m not sure I would even be alive right now. Add to this, the pandemic we are now in and I can’t even be with the friends who have been my support all through her illness. I don’t know what the future holds in store but for now it is waking, eating and sleeping and the sleep doesn’t come until 4:00am. I hurt.

  12. Laurence  April 8, 2020 at 1:46 pm Reply

    I lost my wife of 30 years to cancer on February 9th of this year. It is coming up on two months and the feelings are as raw or even moreso than the first week after. She was and remains my everything. I feel that I stopped living when she died and that I will never be happy again. If not for my kids, I’m not sure I would even be alive right now. Add to this, the pandemic we are now in and I can’t even be with the friends who have been my support all through her illness. I don’t know what the future holds in store but for now it is waking, eating and sleeping and the sleep doesn’t come until 4:00am. I hurt.

  13. Eboni Welch  March 29, 2020 at 10:02 am Reply

    My boyfriend of two years died on Christmas just before my birthday . He died 12/25/19 and my birthday is 1/23 . I’m 20 now and he wud be 26 This may . He was my first boyfriend my first love my first everything .. we been the so much together in such little time he was my soulmate he is my soul mate . Everyone keeps telling me I’m young and I’m gonna meet a lot of people but it’s not the Same nothing will be the same . I fear that I will nevr be able to love or to let anyone get close to me bcuz the only person I want is him , the only person I want touching me and sleeping next to me is him. Anyone else wud feel so wrong. I don’t want anybody else I have no desire At ALL for anybody else I only want him. He was my reason to wake up in the morning . I promised him that I wud love no other man and be with no one else that’s not him and how am I supposed to fall in love with someone else how am I to give myself to someone else wen he is the only person I want .

  14. Eboni Welch  March 29, 2020 at 10:02 am Reply

    My boyfriend of two years died on Christmas just before my birthday . He died 12/25/19 and my birthday is 1/23 . I’m 20 now and he wud be 26 This may . He was my first boyfriend my first love my first everything .. we been the so much together in such little time he was my soulmate he is my soul mate . Everyone keeps telling me I’m young and I’m gonna meet a lot of people but it’s not the Same nothing will be the same . I fear that I will nevr be able to love or to let anyone get close to me bcuz the only person I want is him , the only person I want touching me and sleeping next to me is him. Anyone else wud feel so wrong. I don’t want anybody else I have no desire At ALL for anybody else I only want him. He was my reason to wake up in the morning . I promised him that I wud love no other man and be with no one else that’s not him and how am I supposed to fall in love with someone else how am I to give myself to someone else wen he is the only person I want .

  15. Eboni Welch  March 29, 2020 at 10:02 am Reply

    My boyfriend of two years died on Christmas just before my birthday . He died 12/25/19 and my birthday is 1/23 . I’m 20 now and he wud be 26 This may . He was my first boyfriend my first love my first everything .. we been the so much together in such little time he was my soulmate he is my soul mate . Everyone keeps telling me I’m young and I’m gonna meet a lot of people but it’s not the Same nothing will be the same . I fear that I will nevr be able to love or to let anyone get close to me bcuz the only person I want is him , the only person I want touching me and sleeping next to me is him. Anyone else wud feel so wrong. I don’t want anybody else I have no desire At ALL for anybody else I only want him. He was my reason to wake up in the morning . I promised him that I wud love no other man and be with no one else that’s not him and how am I supposed to fall in love with someone else how am I to give myself to someone else wen he is the only person I want .

    • Sanjana Priyaranjan  April 6, 2020 at 1:49 pm Reply

      My Boyfriend passed away 26 Days back. 3 weeks before his birthday. He would turn 21. He was the youngest and the brightest in our class. 35 year olds would come running to him for help and he’d gladly be there. That was his sole motto, to make sure people have it easy after him. He died after being carried away by a river current. They all had dived in for a swim. We were on a trip. Today, I just live with guilt, I keep thinking if I could have saved him. He was my most beautiful. I am two years older than him and I feel like somewhere he was my responsibility. I keep wanting him back. With every breath. Life feels pointless today, I don’t have it in me to carry on.

  16. Lorna Burns  March 28, 2020 at 2:30 pm Reply

    I lost my soulmate of 22 years just 4 weeks ago. He died suddenly and unexpectedly. After reading other people’s experiences I know that I can grieve in my own way and at my pace, regardless of anyone else’s opinions. I will love my darling husband always, forever and fiercely. I will love you sweetheart until the very last breath leaves my body and we can be together again. This is not goodbye, but goodnight. Sleep well sweetheart until we meet again.

  17. Lorna Burns  March 28, 2020 at 2:30 pm Reply

    I lost my soulmate of 22 years just 4 weeks ago. He died suddenly and unexpectedly. After reading other people’s experiences I know that I can grieve in my own way and at my pace, regardless of anyone else’s opinions. I will love my darling husband always, forever and fiercely. I will love you sweetheart until the very last breath leaves my body and we can be together again. This is not goodbye, but goodnight. Sleep well sweetheart until we meet again.

  18. Lorna Burns  March 28, 2020 at 2:30 pm Reply

    I lost my soulmate of 22 years just 4 weeks ago. He died suddenly and unexpectedly. After reading other people’s experiences I know that I can grieve in my own way and at my pace, regardless of anyone else’s opinions. I will love my darling husband always, forever and fiercely. I will love you sweetheart until the very last breath leaves my body and we can be together again. This is not goodbye, but goodnight. Sleep well sweetheart until we meet again.

  19. Abby  March 11, 2020 at 6:13 am Reply

    I sometimes feel that a part of me died, too. I lost my husband two years ago to aneurysm. It was Family Day at our then 6 year old daughter and she wondered what is taking him so long in the bath. She found him and up to this day, we cry about it. We were together 13 years and it sometimes just so hard to get up. I want to grieve properly and really cry my eyes out but I can’t. I have to be strong for my daughter.

  20. Abby  March 11, 2020 at 6:13 am Reply

    I sometimes feel that a part of me died, too. I lost my husband two years ago to aneurysm. It was Family Day at our then 6 year old daughter and she wondered what is taking him so long in the bath. She found him and up to this day, we cry about it. We were together 13 years and it sometimes just so hard to get up. I want to grieve properly and really cry my eyes out but I can’t. I have to be strong for my daughter.

  21. Abby  March 11, 2020 at 6:13 am Reply

    I sometimes feel that a part of me died, too. I lost my husband two years ago to aneurysm. It was Family Day at our then 6 year old daughter and she wondered what is taking him so long in the bath. She found him and up to this day, we cry about it. We were together 13 years and it sometimes just so hard to get up. I want to grieve properly and really cry my eyes out but I can’t. I have to be strong for my daughter.

  22. Zac  March 6, 2020 at 12:18 pm Reply

    I lost my fiancé to an overdose just over a year ago. We had just finished shooting dope together and I guess we fell asleep. The dope was cut with fentanyl. I woke up the next morning to him dead in the bed next to me. I have gotten over the crippling depression, but I cannot shake the empty feeling within me. It’s like I’m utterly devoid of any emotion. We both struggled with heroin addiction and would use together daily. I got him hooked on needles and this inevitably led to his demise. Most days I think that it should’ve been me. Fuck, I would give anything to switch places with him. He had so much potential, so much passion. My actions effectively killed him. I got sober, but I can’t help but think that I should intentionally overdose so that I can be with him again. Idk. I just don’t think I can live with the PTSD and survivors guilt anymore. I have nightmares every night. Every. Night. It’s becoming too much.

  23. Zac  March 6, 2020 at 12:18 pm Reply

    I lost my fiancé to an overdose just over a year ago. We had just finished shooting dope together and I guess we fell asleep. The dope was cut with fentanyl. I woke up the next morning to him dead in the bed next to me. I have gotten over the crippling depression, but I cannot shake the empty feeling within me. It’s like I’m utterly devoid of any emotion. We both struggled with heroin addiction and would use together daily. I got him hooked on needles and this inevitably led to his demise. Most days I think that it should’ve been me. Fuck, I would give anything to switch places with him. He had so much potential, so much passion. My actions effectively killed him. I got sober, but I can’t help but think that I should intentionally overdose so that I can be with him again. Idk. I just don’t think I can live with the PTSD and survivors guilt anymore. I have nightmares every night. Every. Night. It’s becoming too much.

  24. Zac  March 6, 2020 at 12:18 pm Reply

    I lost my fiancé to an overdose just over a year ago. We had just finished shooting dope together and I guess we fell asleep. The dope was cut with fentanyl. I woke up the next morning to him dead in the bed next to me. I have gotten over the crippling depression, but I cannot shake the empty feeling within me. It’s like I’m utterly devoid of any emotion. We both struggled with heroin addiction and would use together daily. I got him hooked on needles and this inevitably led to his demise. Most days I think that it should’ve been me. Fuck, I would give anything to switch places with him. He had so much potential, so much passion. My actions effectively killed him. I got sober, but I can’t help but think that I should intentionally overdose so that I can be with him again. Idk. I just don’t think I can live with the PTSD and survivors guilt anymore. I have nightmares every night. Every. Night. It’s becoming too much.

    • Daniela  April 4, 2020 at 10:17 pm Reply

      I hope your taking care of yourself Zac … you have been through alot but got yourself sober and the best and only way to honor your late fiance is by living your life to the fullest…hope you have support.. doesn’t matter how much times passes we still will hurt from the loss of a loved one.

  25. Mary  February 26, 2020 at 4:40 pm Reply

    I lost the love of my life on 1/26/2020 of unknown causes. Whatever happened happened fast so I believe it was a clot of some sort. I tried to save him but I couldn’t. How do you continue to live without the love of your life. We were engaged in November, we were family planning and it was all ripped away from me. I am getting tired of hearing “it was just his time to go” or “everything happens for a reason.” What reason was the love of my life ripped away from me? That’s what I say when people tell me that and they cannot give me a reason.

    I just pray every night to not wake up so I can be with him. I cannot live without him. I would never do anything intentionally to hurt myself but I welcome passing in my sleep so I can be with him for eternity.

    I have not dreamed about him nor do I sense him around although I talk to him all the time.

    I am just still in disbelief and it physically aches that he is not here with me.

  26. Mary  February 26, 2020 at 4:40 pm Reply

    I lost the love of my life on 1/26/2020 of unknown causes. Whatever happened happened fast so I believe it was a clot of some sort. I tried to save him but I couldn’t. How do you continue to live without the love of your life. We were engaged in November, we were family planning and it was all ripped away from me. I am getting tired of hearing “it was just his time to go” or “everything happens for a reason.” What reason was the love of my life ripped away from me? That’s what I say when people tell me that and they cannot give me a reason.

    I just pray every night to not wake up so I can be with him. I cannot live without him. I would never do anything intentionally to hurt myself but I welcome passing in my sleep so I can be with him for eternity.

    I have not dreamed about him nor do I sense him around although I talk to him all the time.

    I am just still in disbelief and it physically aches that he is not here with me.

  27. Mary  February 26, 2020 at 4:40 pm Reply

    I lost the love of my life on 1/26/2020 of unknown causes. Whatever happened happened fast so I believe it was a clot of some sort. I tried to save him but I couldn’t. How do you continue to live without the love of your life. We were engaged in November, we were family planning and it was all ripped away from me. I am getting tired of hearing “it was just his time to go” or “everything happens for a reason.” What reason was the love of my life ripped away from me? That’s what I say when people tell me that and they cannot give me a reason.

    I just pray every night to not wake up so I can be with him. I cannot live without him. I would never do anything intentionally to hurt myself but I welcome passing in my sleep so I can be with him for eternity.

    I have not dreamed about him nor do I sense him around although I talk to him all the time.

    I am just still in disbelief and it physically aches that he is not here with me.

    • Sam  March 1, 2020 at 1:50 am Reply

      My fiance died horribly on 5/02/2020. The love of my life. He left for work and never came back as he had an accident due to a crash while driving… I’m so devastated and I can’t accept it… He was so healthy and happy more especially becouse I am pregnant with his fist child. It’s so hard everyday I weep hoping this is all a dream… I don’t know where to from here…. I’m in so much pain

      • Fred  April 8, 2020 at 10:09 pm

        This day haven’t even happened yet! WTF Zach and person who replied saying they “lost their girl on the same day”? I don’t think these are real people who have experienced real loss if it somehow happens in the future… that’s pretty much murder… if you already know their future “death date”.

      • Fred  April 8, 2020 at 10:12 pm

        Sorry, I meant Sam… not Zach. Why do you try to claim pain that is not your’s??

    • eric  March 24, 2020 at 4:06 pm Reply

      wow I lost my girl on the same day we been together 28 years

    • Ute Kenyon  March 25, 2020 at 9:56 am Reply

      Hy Mary my boyfriend died on the 12.02.2020 on our holiday cruise and they said it was a heart attack. He fell over in a second and I tried everything to get him back into life but it didnt work. He died in my arms before the ambulance came and I cant get over it. It hurts so much and he was the love of my life. I dont know how to carry on. I miss him every second of the day and always hope he is somewhere around me even I cant see him. He asked me last September if I will marry him one day and I said yes. I promised him from the day he died that I will marry him one day when I see him again. But till then I have to live my life because thats what he wanted me to do and I will do it for him. I feel lost the same as you but I hope i can be strong for him.

      • Fred  April 8, 2020 at 10:20 pm

        UTE… how did she die 8 months from now? That’s murder… if you know her “death date” this far in advance!! And if you murdered her, how much “loss” and “grief” can you really be feeling? Give me a f-ing break! Leave this to people who ACTUALLY loved their lost ones and didn’t CAUSE their death!! PUH-LEASE!!!

      • Fred  April 8, 2020 at 10:33 pm

        Great news UTE!! You still have time to marry as your boo doesn’t die for another 8 months!! Get crackin B-otch!! How dare you claim to know the pain of losing a loved one when clearly you haven’t, you’ve just planned a murder in advance!!!

  28. bill millette  February 17, 2020 at 12:22 pm Reply

    In 2016, my wife of 38 years, partner of 46 years passed. I am still in disbelief. I read recently where , for some, the death of a loved one results in a form of PTSD. I am just now realizing how hard it has hit me. I do not like to be around people. I do not want to go to a party. When my best friends invite me to any function, I ask if it is just us. If not I will not go. I let everything slide. I have no interest in most things. My lifetime interest in football is at a stage where I still go to the games only to spend time with my best friend , who , with his wife are the only two friends I have left. My lifelong reading habit is dead. I used to read up to two books a week. I have not read a book in 4 years. I spend most of my life sitting in front of my PC watching the news. What I see is depressing and not family oriented happenings. I have a family member that really needs my help. If not for his need and my love for him, I wish I were dead. (in jail, but seems to be over drug addiction. 33 years old and has yet to acquire a marketable skill. The last time he was home with me, I did not see a single sign of drug use. Really thought he had turned the corner, but then he failed to return his probation officer’s calls and they put him in jail for a year. His wife ,lives with me–no job, no skills and ,I believe she needs psychological help. Also believe she is cheating on my son. Just too much to cope with. Trying hard to focus more on my happy religious belief that my wife and I will be together when I pass. Hard to do when I miss her so much.

  29. bill millette  February 17, 2020 at 12:22 pm Reply

    In 2016, my wife of 38 years, partner of 46 years passed. I am still in disbelief. I read recently where , for some, the death of a loved one results in a form of PTSD. I am just now realizing how hard it has hit me. I do not like to be around people. I do not want to go to a party. When my best friends invite me to any function, I ask if it is just us. If not I will not go. I let everything slide. I have no interest in most things. My lifetime interest in football is at a stage where I still go to the games only to spend time with my best friend , who , with his wife are the only two friends I have left. My lifelong reading habit is dead. I used to read up to two books a week. I have not read a book in 4 years. I spend most of my life sitting in front of my PC watching the news. What I see is depressing and not family oriented happenings. I have a family member that really needs my help. If not for his need and my love for him, I wish I were dead. (in jail, but seems to be over drug addiction. 33 years old and has yet to acquire a marketable skill. The last time he was home with me, I did not see a single sign of drug use. Really thought he had turned the corner, but then he failed to return his probation officer’s calls and they put him in jail for a year. His wife ,lives with me–no job, no skills and ,I believe she needs psychological help. Also believe she is cheating on my son. Just too much to cope with. Trying hard to focus more on my happy religious belief that my wife and I will be together when I pass. Hard to do when I miss her so much.

  30. bill millette  February 17, 2020 at 12:22 pm Reply

    In 2016, my wife of 38 years, partner of 46 years passed. I am still in disbelief. I read recently where , for some, the death of a loved one results in a form of PTSD. I am just now realizing how hard it has hit me. I do not like to be around people. I do not want to go to a party. When my best friends invite me to any function, I ask if it is just us. If not I will not go. I let everything slide. I have no interest in most things. My lifetime interest in football is at a stage where I still go to the games only to spend time with my best friend , who , with his wife are the only two friends I have left. My lifelong reading habit is dead. I used to read up to two books a week. I have not read a book in 4 years. I spend most of my life sitting in front of my PC watching the news. What I see is depressing and not family oriented happenings. I have a family member that really needs my help. If not for his need and my love for him, I wish I were dead. (in jail, but seems to be over drug addiction. 33 years old and has yet to acquire a marketable skill. The last time he was home with me, I did not see a single sign of drug use. Really thought he had turned the corner, but then he failed to return his probation officer’s calls and they put him in jail for a year. His wife ,lives with me–no job, no skills and ,I believe she needs psychological help. Also believe she is cheating on my son. Just too much to cope with. Trying hard to focus more on my happy religious belief that my wife and I will be together when I pass. Hard to do when I miss her so much.

    • Sandra  February 21, 2020 at 10:43 am Reply

      I relate to Bill

  31. Maedelyn  February 17, 2020 at 9:27 am Reply

    I just lost my boyfriend a month ago, I have been crying a lot but now I am numb and scared, feels like crying but I cannot cry, I couldn’t sleep all the memories in the hospital As he struggle for 3 weeks Keeps haunting me. I just miss him so much!

  32. Maedelyn  February 17, 2020 at 9:27 am Reply

    I just lost my boyfriend a month ago, I have been crying a lot but now I am numb and scared, feels like crying but I cannot cry, I couldn’t sleep all the memories in the hospital As he struggle for 3 weeks Keeps haunting me. I just miss him so much!

  33. Maedelyn  February 17, 2020 at 9:27 am Reply

    I just lost my boyfriend a month ago, I have been crying a lot but now I am numb and scared, feels like crying but I cannot cry, I couldn’t sleep all the memories in the hospital As he struggle for 3 weeks Keeps haunting me. I just miss him so much!

  34. Tina  February 11, 2020 at 12:18 pm Reply

    Last April 14 I lost my boyfriend (68 Yrs old) to a brain aneurysm! We were together 14 yrs 2 months and 6 days. He was my everything, the love of my life, my soulmate, my coach, my partner, my best friend, my lover, my rock and my adventure buddie. We had been through many ups, downs and adventures in our 14 yrs. I was thankful everyday that God brought him into my life. He made it complete, like the B side of an album! We had a great love of the Sport of Bowling. He coached me and nurtured my desire to improve and become a better bowler. In doing this, I was able to travel places, do and see things that I would have not been able to do otherwise. I find it difficult to do these things and go to the places that we once went alone. I desire someone to share these things with. However, I feel there will never be another like him and I keep looking for those qualities in my new aquantences. I miss him so much and I constantly ask for his opinion, even though I know I will not hear his answers!

    Missing Pookie Everyday!
    Sugar Bear

  35. Tina  February 11, 2020 at 12:18 pm Reply

    Last April 14 I lost my boyfriend (68 Yrs old) to a brain aneurysm! We were together 14 yrs 2 months and 6 days. He was my everything, the love of my life, my soulmate, my coach, my partner, my best friend, my lover, my rock and my adventure buddie. We had been through many ups, downs and adventures in our 14 yrs. I was thankful everyday that God brought him into my life. He made it complete, like the B side of an album! We had a great love of the Sport of Bowling. He coached me and nurtured my desire to improve and become a better bowler. In doing this, I was able to travel places, do and see things that I would have not been able to do otherwise. I find it difficult to do these things and go to the places that we once went alone. I desire someone to share these things with. However, I feel there will never be another like him and I keep looking for those qualities in my new aquantences. I miss him so much and I constantly ask for his opinion, even though I know I will not hear his answers!

    Missing Pookie Everyday!
    Sugar Bear

  36. Tina  February 11, 2020 at 12:18 pm Reply

    Last April 14 I lost my boyfriend (68 Yrs old) to a brain aneurysm! We were together 14 yrs 2 months and 6 days. He was my everything, the love of my life, my soulmate, my coach, my partner, my best friend, my lover, my rock and my adventure buddie. We had been through many ups, downs and adventures in our 14 yrs. I was thankful everyday that God brought him into my life. He made it complete, like the B side of an album! We had a great love of the Sport of Bowling. He coached me and nurtured my desire to improve and become a better bowler. In doing this, I was able to travel places, do and see things that I would have not been able to do otherwise. I find it difficult to do these things and go to the places that we once went alone. I desire someone to share these things with. However, I feel there will never be another like him and I keep looking for those qualities in my new aquantences. I miss him so much and I constantly ask for his opinion, even though I know I will not hear his answers!

    Missing Pookie Everyday!
    Sugar Bear

    • Sandra  February 21, 2020 at 12:15 am Reply

      I spent 45 days in the hospital recently. Moved my husband to a rehab one day. They killed him

      • Fred  April 8, 2020 at 10:28 pm

        WTF Sandra??? That’s dark and. Wet ominous!! What really happened??

  37. Jttalways  February 10, 2020 at 1:10 am Reply

    I lost my husband on 9/24/19. He battled MPAL leukemia for 1 year and 8 months. He was on life support for a day and a half in ICU before he passed. He was 35 years old. We been together since we were teenagers and married for 15 1/2 years. We have 1 teenage son. Not a minute goes by where I don’t think of him and not a day goes by where I don’t miss him.

  38. Jttalways  February 10, 2020 at 1:10 am Reply

    I lost my husband on 9/24/19. He battled MPAL leukemia for 1 year and 8 months. He was on life support for a day and a half in ICU before he passed. He was 35 years old. We been together since we were teenagers and married for 15 1/2 years. We have 1 teenage son. Not a minute goes by where I don’t think of him and not a day goes by where I don’t miss him.

  39. Jttalways  February 10, 2020 at 1:10 am Reply

    I lost my husband on 9/24/19. He battled MPAL leukemia for 1 year and 8 months. He was on life support for a day and a half in ICU before he passed. He was 35 years old. We been together since we were teenagers and married for 15 1/2 years. We have 1 teenage son. Not a minute goes by where I don’t think of him and not a day goes by where I don’t miss him.

  40. Spirit Buell  January 25, 2020 at 12:40 pm Reply

    My fiancee basically husband Phillip Lee Levan and i have that kind of love that is once in a blue moon. We are not just soulmates we are each other’s soul. And on Christmas day I had to watch as my soul got ripped into pieces as he unexpectedly passed at 29 yrs old from a blood clot that went to his lungs. Well the doctors worked on him for 45 minutes with no luck until the second he heard my voice in the hallway. His heart beat again and oxygen started to rise once they got me by his head and I was able to touch him and whisper in his ear. They was able to stop the chest compression machine and put him on regular life support. Well instead of just taking him to surgery to remove or break up the remainder clot in his lungs they took him to CT to prove it was blood clots. Which I don’t understand considering they was already suctioning them out of his lungs and was 100% sure it was clots. And they only allowed his oxygen to get to 14% before taking to a ct scan But while he was in CT I heard code blue over the intercom and that’s when my whole world slipped away. Not even 4 minutes later the doctor came and told me they wasn’t even gonna try that he is gone. As I watched them wheel him past me. Exactly 1 mth from today.
    I feel l completely empty and dieing inside. Which I know I’m not as his soul is inside me and mine when went with him. Until his heart stops beating in my chest then our souls can reunite. It physically hurts to be away from him. I have already had 6 mini heart attacks and was diagnosed with broken heart syndrome. I know have to keep forcing myself forward for our boys but it isn’t getting easier. It’s getting harder and harder.

  41. Spirit Buell  January 25, 2020 at 12:40 pm Reply

    My fiancee basically husband Phillip Lee Levan and i have that kind of love that is once in a blue moon. We are not just soulmates we are each other’s soul. And on Christmas day I had to watch as my soul got ripped into pieces as he unexpectedly passed at 29 yrs old from a blood clot that went to his lungs. Well the doctors worked on him for 45 minutes with no luck until the second he heard my voice in the hallway. His heart beat again and oxygen started to rise once they got me by his head and I was able to touch him and whisper in his ear. They was able to stop the chest compression machine and put him on regular life support. Well instead of just taking him to surgery to remove or break up the remainder clot in his lungs they took him to CT to prove it was blood clots. Which I don’t understand considering they was already suctioning them out of his lungs and was 100% sure it was clots. And they only allowed his oxygen to get to 14% before taking to a ct scan But while he was in CT I heard code blue over the intercom and that’s when my whole world slipped away. Not even 4 minutes later the doctor came and told me they wasn’t even gonna try that he is gone. As I watched them wheel him past me. Exactly 1 mth from today.
    I feel l completely empty and dieing inside. Which I know I’m not as his soul is inside me and mine when went with him. Until his heart stops beating in my chest then our souls can reunite. It physically hurts to be away from him. I have already had 6 mini heart attacks and was diagnosed with broken heart syndrome. I know have to keep forcing myself forward for our boys but it isn’t getting easier. It’s getting harder and harder.

  42. Spirit Buell  January 25, 2020 at 12:40 pm Reply

    My fiancee basically husband Phillip Lee Levan and i have that kind of love that is once in a blue moon. We are not just soulmates we are each other’s soul. And on Christmas day I had to watch as my soul got ripped into pieces as he unexpectedly passed at 29 yrs old from a blood clot that went to his lungs. Well the doctors worked on him for 45 minutes with no luck until the second he heard my voice in the hallway. His heart beat again and oxygen started to rise once they got me by his head and I was able to touch him and whisper in his ear. They was able to stop the chest compression machine and put him on regular life support. Well instead of just taking him to surgery to remove or break up the remainder clot in his lungs they took him to CT to prove it was blood clots. Which I don’t understand considering they was already suctioning them out of his lungs and was 100% sure it was clots. And they only allowed his oxygen to get to 14% before taking to a ct scan But while he was in CT I heard code blue over the intercom and that’s when my whole world slipped away. Not even 4 minutes later the doctor came and told me they wasn’t even gonna try that he is gone. As I watched them wheel him past me. Exactly 1 mth from today.
    I feel l completely empty and dieing inside. Which I know I’m not as his soul is inside me and mine when went with him. Until his heart stops beating in my chest then our souls can reunite. It physically hurts to be away from him. I have already had 6 mini heart attacks and was diagnosed with broken heart syndrome. I know have to keep forcing myself forward for our boys but it isn’t getting easier. It’s getting harder and harder.

    • Ken  February 6, 2020 at 8:50 am Reply

      Spirit Buell, I can’t begin to know what you are going through but your post resonated with me in so many ways. My darling wife Giuseppina (Gio) and I went on holiday to France, from England, to finish editing a book we had written together. We did absolutely everything together and were each other’s best friend and soul-mate, if there is such a thing. After finishing the edit we went out for a celebratory meal which included oysters and the following morning she felt sick and fainted, so we assumed she had eaten a bad oyster. A few hours later things got considerably worse. She lost consciousness and was foaming at the mouth. When the paramedics arrived her heart stopped and I watched, as if in a living nightmare, whilst they pounded on her chest giving CPR. We were on vacation… this isn’t supposed to happen on vacation. With no symptoms, no poor medical history she had suffered a DVT in her leg which travelled to her lungs to cause a pulmonary embolism. She lingered in a coma for 5 days until her heart gave out for a 4th time. This time she did not recover and she passed in a French hospital on the morning of what would have been our 42nd wedding anniversary. 5 months later I still feel so desparately alone, so lost. We had planned to do so much more together when I retire in just 2 years time. Now I feel my life is over and has no point. I just published the book we wrote in her memory, I need her to have a legacy of some sort. But now I have done that I need to do more to continue to feel close to her. She was Italian and I am taking classes to improve my language skills for her to feel proud of me in some way. I am so sorry I didn’t try harder whilst she was alive. Next year I am planning a 100km pilgrimage to Rome in her memory. Maybe I’m acting weird but I feel if I can keep honoring her name then I will stay close to her whatever may come.

    • Sandra  February 21, 2020 at 12:20 am Reply

      I feel the same. My husband soul is in me. I understand. Lost him 3 months ago.

  43. Karen  January 20, 2020 at 5:57 pm Reply

    Such a great summary and a good reminder for when I feel like I should be just getting on with it all better!! Yes yes yes to pretty much all those things. Thank you for reminding me its ok not to be ok xx

  44. Karen  January 20, 2020 at 5:57 pm Reply

    Such a great summary and a good reminder for when I feel like I should be just getting on with it all better!! Yes yes yes to pretty much all those things. Thank you for reminding me its ok not to be ok xx

  45. Karen  January 20, 2020 at 5:57 pm Reply

    Such a great summary and a good reminder for when I feel like I should be just getting on with it all better!! Yes yes yes to pretty much all those things. Thank you for reminding me its ok not to be ok xx

  46. sarah12  January 15, 2020 at 6:58 pm Reply

    I lost my boyfriend on 13 August 2018 due to a car crash. We had been dating for three years so its safe to say we knew each other in and out. He was my best friend and my boyfriend all in one. I didn’t have any close friends because he would always stand by me. One minute I think I have accepted what destiny had in store and the next minute I find myself going through a heartache that no one can heal, I still find myself crying at night even until today. loosing someone who means everything to you can never be easy. And now I can never truly give my heart to any other person. Not in the way i gave it to him. Even in death he is still my number one and will forever be.

  47. sarah12  January 15, 2020 at 6:58 pm Reply

    I lost my boyfriend on 13 August 2018 due to a car crash. We had been dating for three years so its safe to say we knew each other in and out. He was my best friend and my boyfriend all in one. I didn’t have any close friends because he would always stand by me. One minute I think I have accepted what destiny had in store and the next minute I find myself going through a heartache that no one can heal, I still find myself crying at night even until today. loosing someone who means everything to you can never be easy. And now I can never truly give my heart to any other person. Not in the way i gave it to him. Even in death he is still my number one and will forever be.

  48. sarah12  January 15, 2020 at 6:58 pm Reply

    I lost my boyfriend on 13 August 2018 due to a car crash. We had been dating for three years so its safe to say we knew each other in and out. He was my best friend and my boyfriend all in one. I didn’t have any close friends because he would always stand by me. One minute I think I have accepted what destiny had in store and the next minute I find myself going through a heartache that no one can heal, I still find myself crying at night even until today. loosing someone who means everything to you can never be easy. And now I can never truly give my heart to any other person. Not in the way i gave it to him. Even in death he is still my number one and will forever be.

    • Keisha  January 21, 2020 at 10:59 pm Reply

      How are you coping now? I lost my boyfriend recently as well and it’s the end of my world.

      • Cynthia  March 31, 2020 at 5:05 pm

        I lost my boyfie too buh in last year October .I totally relate .take one day at a time .ever missed someone so much till your heart and chest aches physically ..

  49. Tammie  January 6, 2020 at 3:54 am Reply

    On October 31,2019, I lost my fiance I James. I was at home when the daycare that we both went to called me. M y world came crashing down . We had just celebrated his birthday and we got engaged to get married. He was going to buy me a ring. So in that time that I had him, I was caught up in my drug addiction I hid it from him for 2 months.. When he died a large part of me died too. So the week before Thanksgiving , I told my mom that I wished that I was dead, my mom told me to go ahead. I took four different pills and I passed out at the kitchen table. I’m still dealing with his death everyday I think about him and I miss him. Trying to move on is very hard to let go of the life we had.

  50. Tammie  January 6, 2020 at 3:54 am Reply

    On October 31,2019, I lost my fiance I James. I was at home when the daycare that we both went to called me. M y world came crashing down . We had just celebrated his birthday and we got engaged to get married. He was going to buy me a ring. So in that time that I had him, I was caught up in my drug addiction I hid it from him for 2 months.. When he died a large part of me died too. So the week before Thanksgiving , I told my mom that I wished that I was dead, my mom told me to go ahead. I took four different pills and I passed out at the kitchen table. I’m still dealing with his death everyday I think about him and I miss him. Trying to move on is very hard to let go of the life we had.

  51. Tammie  January 6, 2020 at 3:54 am Reply

    On October 31,2019, I lost my fiance I James. I was at home when the daycare that we both went to called me. M y world came crashing down . We had just celebrated his birthday and we got engaged to get married. He was going to buy me a ring. So in that time that I had him, I was caught up in my drug addiction I hid it from him for 2 months.. When he died a large part of me died too. So the week before Thanksgiving , I told my mom that I wished that I was dead, my mom told me to go ahead. I took four different pills and I passed out at the kitchen table. I’m still dealing with his death everyday I think about him and I miss him. Trying to move on is very hard to let go of the life we had.

  52. Sissy Mertens  January 5, 2020 at 8:15 pm Reply

    I lost my soulmate 27 days ago. He was 20.. It was an accidental overdose. We both battled addiction for a long time, him about 3 years, me just 1. We didn’t realize how bad of a problem it really was. He went to jail multiple times, different rehab facilities, but there was no stopping what he already had made up in his mind. We split a perk 30 that morning on Dec 9, what I didn’t know was that he also took a Xanax. I know he didn’t tell me because he knew I didn’t approve. The whole day was relatively normal, but around 6:30 he went to bed. I joined him a little later, he was breathing weird but I didn’t suspect much of anything as he always snored funny. We were dating for 6 months… in-love for a year. Our connection was instant and immediately stronger than any other relationship we had in our lives. I started falling asleep then noticed it was too quiet, his breathing stopped. I am 18 years old. I had to do CPR on my best friend, wait for the police to arrive, only for them to tell me it is too late. We were just cuddling in bed… every day feels impossible and thinking about the future brings so much pain. Disassociation is HUGE. I never recognize myself or remember anything or feel like life is real at all. I go through the motions and feel either numb or devastated at all times. Seeing all of these comments just makes me have more anger for the world. What are we supposed to do?? I don’t care about moving on and loving someone else… I just need Alex. We never got to get married, or have our kids we planned, or get our RV, or even finish COLLEGE. I know I am lucky to have had that extraordinary love and live with my soulmate, but it was not enough.

  53. Sissy Mertens  January 5, 2020 at 8:15 pm Reply

    I lost my soulmate 27 days ago. He was 20.. It was an accidental overdose. We both battled addiction for a long time, him about 3 years, me just 1. We didn’t realize how bad of a problem it really was. He went to jail multiple times, different rehab facilities, but there was no stopping what he already had made up in his mind. We split a perk 30 that morning on Dec 9, what I didn’t know was that he also took a Xanax. I know he didn’t tell me because he knew I didn’t approve. The whole day was relatively normal, but around 6:30 he went to bed. I joined him a little later, he was breathing weird but I didn’t suspect much of anything as he always snored funny. We were dating for 6 months… in-love for a year. Our connection was instant and immediately stronger than any other relationship we had in our lives. I started falling asleep then noticed it was too quiet, his breathing stopped. I am 18 years old. I had to do CPR on my best friend, wait for the police to arrive, only for them to tell me it is too late. We were just cuddling in bed… every day feels impossible and thinking about the future brings so much pain. Disassociation is HUGE. I never recognize myself or remember anything or feel like life is real at all. I go through the motions and feel either numb or devastated at all times. Seeing all of these comments just makes me have more anger for the world. What are we supposed to do?? I don’t care about moving on and loving someone else… I just need Alex. We never got to get married, or have our kids we planned, or get our RV, or even finish COLLEGE. I know I am lucky to have had that extraordinary love and live with my soulmate, but it was not enough.

  54. Sissy Mertens  January 5, 2020 at 8:15 pm Reply

    I lost my soulmate 27 days ago. He was 20.. It was an accidental overdose. We both battled addiction for a long time, him about 3 years, me just 1. We didn’t realize how bad of a problem it really was. He went to jail multiple times, different rehab facilities, but there was no stopping what he already had made up in his mind. We split a perk 30 that morning on Dec 9, what I didn’t know was that he also took a Xanax. I know he didn’t tell me because he knew I didn’t approve. The whole day was relatively normal, but around 6:30 he went to bed. I joined him a little later, he was breathing weird but I didn’t suspect much of anything as he always snored funny. We were dating for 6 months… in-love for a year. Our connection was instant and immediately stronger than any other relationship we had in our lives. I started falling asleep then noticed it was too quiet, his breathing stopped. I am 18 years old. I had to do CPR on my best friend, wait for the police to arrive, only for them to tell me it is too late. We were just cuddling in bed… every day feels impossible and thinking about the future brings so much pain. Disassociation is HUGE. I never recognize myself or remember anything or feel like life is real at all. I go through the motions and feel either numb or devastated at all times. Seeing all of these comments just makes me have more anger for the world. What are we supposed to do?? I don’t care about moving on and loving someone else… I just need Alex. We never got to get married, or have our kids we planned, or get our RV, or even finish COLLEGE. I know I am lucky to have had that extraordinary love and live with my soulmate, but it was not enough.

    • Keisha  January 21, 2020 at 11:02 pm Reply

      I lost my bf of 3 years earlier this month too and I feel like I died with him. I don’t want to be in the world anymore. I hate not being by his side.

      • Briana  February 22, 2020 at 7:00 pm

        Yea i lost my bf of two years a couple days ago and it’s just not a world I want to live in anymore if he’s not going to live it with me. Honestly the only thing that makes me less depressed is knowing that when I pass I’ll see him again. But other than that, I feel hopeless and don’t want to be here. But it also makes me feel better to know that I’m not alone and other people feel exactly what I feel.

    • Briana  February 22, 2020 at 5:41 pm Reply

      I lost my boyfriend the same way just two days ago and he was only 18 years old. I know exactly how you feel when you say you don’t want to be with anyone else and don’t care to look for anyone else. We were supposed to grow old together and do so many things. It just wasn’t enough time. It just feels like you have nothing going for you in life anymore and no purpose to live anymore. All I wish is to see him and for us to be together again when I pass. You’re definitely not alone. I’m not sure if you believe in god or a higher power but you will see him again and he’s watching over you everyday.

  55. heidy  January 4, 2020 at 12:37 pm Reply

    I met my husband on feb 3 2013, and we fell in love with each other right away, 3 months later we got married. life with him was the best, I love him very much, he was my everything my best friend, my to go person, we have so many dreams and plans for our future, we were planning on having a child on 2020, unfortunately he passed away on Dec 11 2019 and I feel like I’m dying with out, I cried a lot, i feel so much pain in my heart, he was the love of my life and hurts deeply knowing that I’m not going to see him anymore, i miss him sooooooooooooooooooooo much.

  56. heidy  January 4, 2020 at 12:37 pm Reply

    I met my husband on feb 3 2013, and we fell in love with each other right away, 3 months later we got married. life with him was the best, I love him very much, he was my everything my best friend, my to go person, we have so many dreams and plans for our future, we were planning on having a child on 2020, unfortunately he passed away on Dec 11 2019 and I feel like I’m dying with out, I cried a lot, i feel so much pain in my heart, he was the love of my life and hurts deeply knowing that I’m not going to see him anymore, i miss him sooooooooooooooooooooo much.

  57. heidy  January 4, 2020 at 12:37 pm Reply

    I met my husband on feb 3 2013, and we fell in love with each other right away, 3 months later we got married. life with him was the best, I love him very much, he was my everything my best friend, my to go person, we have so many dreams and plans for our future, we were planning on having a child on 2020, unfortunately he passed away on Dec 11 2019 and I feel like I’m dying with out, I cried a lot, i feel so much pain in my heart, he was the love of my life and hurts deeply knowing that I’m not going to see him anymore, i miss him sooooooooooooooooooooo much.

    • Kristy  January 21, 2020 at 3:02 pm Reply

      I know exactly how u feel. I lost my husband January 12, 2020 I’m lost and broken

  58. Emily Kavanagh  December 31, 2019 at 10:10 am Reply

    I lost my husband of almost 3 years suddenly and unexpectedly on Dec. 16, 2019. We have a 20 month old daughter who we adored and I still adore. There are no words. He was my best friend and the love of my life. I have been through all of the emotions (sadness, anger, etc.) and have cried so many tears. I have been doing the logistics and it hurts. I will make sure our daughter knows all about her father when the time is right.

  59. Emily Kavanagh  December 31, 2019 at 10:10 am Reply

    I lost my husband of almost 3 years suddenly and unexpectedly on Dec. 16, 2019. We have a 20 month old daughter who we adored and I still adore. There are no words. He was my best friend and the love of my life. I have been through all of the emotions (sadness, anger, etc.) and have cried so many tears. I have been doing the logistics and it hurts. I will make sure our daughter knows all about her father when the time is right.

  60. Emily Kavanagh  December 31, 2019 at 10:10 am Reply

    I lost my husband of almost 3 years suddenly and unexpectedly on Dec. 16, 2019. We have a 20 month old daughter who we adored and I still adore. There are no words. He was my best friend and the love of my life. I have been through all of the emotions (sadness, anger, etc.) and have cried so many tears. I have been doing the logistics and it hurts. I will make sure our daughter knows all about her father when the time is right.

  61. Liz  December 30, 2019 at 12:59 am Reply

    My hubby passed away Early Saturday morning, December 1st, 2018. it is devastating and I have resigned myself to knowing that I will NEVER get over it. One can only cope with what life hands you. When we met, we knew we were meant to be together. We used to talk about this all the time. He was older than me, but we knew that we completed each other in every way. He would think something and I would give him a call and mention just what he was thinking. He might think of going out to dinner at the place we loved, and I would call him and say, “Hey, why don’t we take the kids and go out to dinner tonight at the place we love.” It makes me smile now, but there are times it makes me cry. I cannot describe how much I miss him – I miss him more than my life. We loved each other “to the moon and back.” I see him in our son’s eyes and heart. It pains me. It will always pain me.

    I talk to him as much as I can. On the way to work, on the way home, during the day etc. The Christmas after his passing, I was numb. Now this is the second Christmas, and I still feel numb. I have found though that keeping things around that were his special stuff – like his favorite jacket vest and hat…makes me feel close to him. I have some favorite pictures of him around and I at least am able to talk about him to my co-workers and friends without always breaking down…Not all the time, but more often now. He was a great man and I feel his presence – some days more than others. He always said – we have each other…now I am both of us. I used to tell him – “you are IT and there will never be another – you are IT!” He would smile.

    For those who are grieving, find and keep the things the your spouse treasured and keep them in view and keep them around. When it gets too much, take a break and try to nap to regain your strength especially if you have kids. Never give up talking to them. I believe they hear you. I gotta believe that.

    It helped me to go to the places we used to go to. Was it hard? YEP! But I can go there more now that I did it initially and I can feel him there. You will never forget them and I believe they will never forget you. They would not want you to be sad and despondent. Just figure that out that you would not want them to feel that way had it been reversed. I cannot tell you that I will never be sad but maybe I am a little less sad and a little more remembering the funny and good times we had. My heart is broken and I cry at night and I know that will never change but I know that I can make that feeling a little better by remembering his infectious smile, the way he ALWAYS had a Plan B, the way he would laugh, talk, just his ways. We loved each other well and that will never go away. But we all have to figure out how to cope with it, and not have it take a hard toll on us.

    I hope this helps those who feel this is the end of life as you know it. I know that if I don’t go on, how will he go on. Until we are together again…I show him how I love him. We send up a single helium balloon on his birthday, holidays, and special days like anniversaries. It helps. I donated some of his clothes and did it in small amounts. I am keeping all the favorite things of his and I keep something of his in every room. He had a favorite shirt and believe it or not, I keep it on the bed and our two cats ALWAYS lay on that shirt. No where else…just on his shirt.

    I’m writing a book all about him, his life, and our life together. It helps. I have assembled pictures of him and us and the kids etc. and it helps. I didn’t think I could watch any of the shows we watched together, but now I did that and I feel like he is there watching with me. You have to try to balance it and you have to try things that help you through it.

    We cannot do it alone, but sometimes that is how it is. I think the worst thing is – In the last 10 years of my parents life, hubby and I took care of my parents visiting, caring, and doing just about everything for them. They loved my husband as their own son. I have 2 brothers and they did not visit and hardly did anything to help. When my hubby started having some physical issues, neither lended a hand. Sad isn’t it? After my husband passed, I could have used having a real brother talk with me and visit me and help me get through it…nothing! That was hard for me too. So, here is what I say about that. I am grieving and it has now been over a year and I have not heard anything from my brothers. I know if this was them, I would be there for them and I know that my hubby would have done the same. You have to deal with things you get handed…and now I have resolved myself to the fact that I am technically an only child. This is irreparable hurt that cannot be fixed at this point. I feel they never cared about us and probably were happy that we took care of Mom and Dad and they didn’t have to be bothered. We did everything right and I know i did the right thing. They will have to look themselves in the mirror and if they have a conscience, it will bother them someday…

    For now, I am managing the coping. I wish all you well. Pray, Eat, and keep the Love in your heart of your loved ones.

  62. Liz  December 30, 2019 at 12:59 am Reply

    My hubby passed away Early Saturday morning, December 1st, 2018. it is devastating and I have resigned myself to knowing that I will NEVER get over it. One can only cope with what life hands you. When we met, we knew we were meant to be together. We used to talk about this all the time. He was older than me, but we knew that we completed each other in every way. He would think something and I would give him a call and mention just what he was thinking. He might think of going out to dinner at the place we loved, and I would call him and say, “Hey, why don’t we take the kids and go out to dinner tonight at the place we love.” It makes me smile now, but there are times it makes me cry. I cannot describe how much I miss him – I miss him more than my life. We loved each other “to the moon and back.” I see him in our son’s eyes and heart. It pains me. It will always pain me.

    I talk to him as much as I can. On the way to work, on the way home, during the day etc. The Christmas after his passing, I was numb. Now this is the second Christmas, and I still feel numb. I have found though that keeping things around that were his special stuff – like his favorite jacket vest and hat…makes me feel close to him. I have some favorite pictures of him around and I at least am able to talk about him to my co-workers and friends without always breaking down…Not all the time, but more often now. He was a great man and I feel his presence – some days more than others. He always said – we have each other…now I am both of us. I used to tell him – “you are IT and there will never be another – you are IT!” He would smile.

    For those who are grieving, find and keep the things the your spouse treasured and keep them in view and keep them around. When it gets too much, take a break and try to nap to regain your strength especially if you have kids. Never give up talking to them. I believe they hear you. I gotta believe that.

    It helped me to go to the places we used to go to. Was it hard? YEP! But I can go there more now that I did it initially and I can feel him there. You will never forget them and I believe they will never forget you. They would not want you to be sad and despondent. Just figure that out that you would not want them to feel that way had it been reversed. I cannot tell you that I will never be sad but maybe I am a little less sad and a little more remembering the funny and good times we had. My heart is broken and I cry at night and I know that will never change but I know that I can make that feeling a little better by remembering his infectious smile, the way he ALWAYS had a Plan B, the way he would laugh, talk, just his ways. We loved each other well and that will never go away. But we all have to figure out how to cope with it, and not have it take a hard toll on us.

    I hope this helps those who feel this is the end of life as you know it. I know that if I don’t go on, how will he go on. Until we are together again…I show him how I love him. We send up a single helium balloon on his birthday, holidays, and special days like anniversaries. It helps. I donated some of his clothes and did it in small amounts. I am keeping all the favorite things of his and I keep something of his in every room. He had a favorite shirt and believe it or not, I keep it on the bed and our two cats ALWAYS lay on that shirt. No where else…just on his shirt.

    I’m writing a book all about him, his life, and our life together. It helps. I have assembled pictures of him and us and the kids etc. and it helps. I didn’t think I could watch any of the shows we watched together, but now I did that and I feel like he is there watching with me. You have to try to balance it and you have to try things that help you through it.

    We cannot do it alone, but sometimes that is how it is. I think the worst thing is – In the last 10 years of my parents life, hubby and I took care of my parents visiting, caring, and doing just about everything for them. They loved my husband as their own son. I have 2 brothers and they did not visit and hardly did anything to help. When my hubby started having some physical issues, neither lended a hand. Sad isn’t it? After my husband passed, I could have used having a real brother talk with me and visit me and help me get through it…nothing! That was hard for me too. So, here is what I say about that. I am grieving and it has now been over a year and I have not heard anything from my brothers. I know if this was them, I would be there for them and I know that my hubby would have done the same. You have to deal with things you get handed…and now I have resolved myself to the fact that I am technically an only child. This is irreparable hurt that cannot be fixed at this point. I feel they never cared about us and probably were happy that we took care of Mom and Dad and they didn’t have to be bothered. We did everything right and I know i did the right thing. They will have to look themselves in the mirror and if they have a conscience, it will bother them someday…

    For now, I am managing the coping. I wish all you well. Pray, Eat, and keep the Love in your heart of your loved ones.

  63. Liz  December 30, 2019 at 12:59 am Reply

    My hubby passed away Early Saturday morning, December 1st, 2018. it is devastating and I have resigned myself to knowing that I will NEVER get over it. One can only cope with what life hands you. When we met, we knew we were meant to be together. We used to talk about this all the time. He was older than me, but we knew that we completed each other in every way. He would think something and I would give him a call and mention just what he was thinking. He might think of going out to dinner at the place we loved, and I would call him and say, “Hey, why don’t we take the kids and go out to dinner tonight at the place we love.” It makes me smile now, but there are times it makes me cry. I cannot describe how much I miss him – I miss him more than my life. We loved each other “to the moon and back.” I see him in our son’s eyes and heart. It pains me. It will always pain me.

    I talk to him as much as I can. On the way to work, on the way home, during the day etc. The Christmas after his passing, I was numb. Now this is the second Christmas, and I still feel numb. I have found though that keeping things around that were his special stuff – like his favorite jacket vest and hat…makes me feel close to him. I have some favorite pictures of him around and I at least am able to talk about him to my co-workers and friends without always breaking down…Not all the time, but more often now. He was a great man and I feel his presence – some days more than others. He always said – we have each other…now I am both of us. I used to tell him – “you are IT and there will never be another – you are IT!” He would smile.

    For those who are grieving, find and keep the things the your spouse treasured and keep them in view and keep them around. When it gets too much, take a break and try to nap to regain your strength especially if you have kids. Never give up talking to them. I believe they hear you. I gotta believe that.

    It helped me to go to the places we used to go to. Was it hard? YEP! But I can go there more now that I did it initially and I can feel him there. You will never forget them and I believe they will never forget you. They would not want you to be sad and despondent. Just figure that out that you would not want them to feel that way had it been reversed. I cannot tell you that I will never be sad but maybe I am a little less sad and a little more remembering the funny and good times we had. My heart is broken and I cry at night and I know that will never change but I know that I can make that feeling a little better by remembering his infectious smile, the way he ALWAYS had a Plan B, the way he would laugh, talk, just his ways. We loved each other well and that will never go away. But we all have to figure out how to cope with it, and not have it take a hard toll on us.

    I hope this helps those who feel this is the end of life as you know it. I know that if I don’t go on, how will he go on. Until we are together again…I show him how I love him. We send up a single helium balloon on his birthday, holidays, and special days like anniversaries. It helps. I donated some of his clothes and did it in small amounts. I am keeping all the favorite things of his and I keep something of his in every room. He had a favorite shirt and believe it or not, I keep it on the bed and our two cats ALWAYS lay on that shirt. No where else…just on his shirt.

    I’m writing a book all about him, his life, and our life together. It helps. I have assembled pictures of him and us and the kids etc. and it helps. I didn’t think I could watch any of the shows we watched together, but now I did that and I feel like he is there watching with me. You have to try to balance it and you have to try things that help you through it.

    We cannot do it alone, but sometimes that is how it is. I think the worst thing is – In the last 10 years of my parents life, hubby and I took care of my parents visiting, caring, and doing just about everything for them. They loved my husband as their own son. I have 2 brothers and they did not visit and hardly did anything to help. When my hubby started having some physical issues, neither lended a hand. Sad isn’t it? After my husband passed, I could have used having a real brother talk with me and visit me and help me get through it…nothing! That was hard for me too. So, here is what I say about that. I am grieving and it has now been over a year and I have not heard anything from my brothers. I know if this was them, I would be there for them and I know that my hubby would have done the same. You have to deal with things you get handed…and now I have resolved myself to the fact that I am technically an only child. This is irreparable hurt that cannot be fixed at this point. I feel they never cared about us and probably were happy that we took care of Mom and Dad and they didn’t have to be bothered. We did everything right and I know i did the right thing. They will have to look themselves in the mirror and if they have a conscience, it will bother them someday…

    For now, I am managing the coping. I wish all you well. Pray, Eat, and keep the Love in your heart of your loved ones.

    • Candice Van Den Berg  December 31, 2019 at 3:00 am Reply

      I just lost my husband and Bestfriend 10 days ago he was 26 and I’m only 35.. It’s so open and fresh it’s painful but reading this shined a light on how I feel and what’s to come. I needed to read that. My kids (3 & 10) need me to go on. Thank you

    • Chris Michaels  January 3, 2020 at 10:43 pm Reply

      Liz:
      Your post touched my broken heart. Thank you. I am sitting here crying and thinking about all the same things you write about. Its very hard to live after losing your best friend. I lost my wife Christine on 6 December a few weeks ago. We were married 35 years. I will NEVER get over this either…so true and people just don’t understand. Fortunately, the boys are grown but they are taking the loss very hard. I am trying to be there for them. Right now I am just trying to get through the night. God Bless and I am very sorry for the loss of your best friend and husband. Regards. Chris

    • Tom Buchler  January 23, 2020 at 10:42 am Reply

      Liz. Thank you for showing the courage to share this real truth about what you are going through. I want you to know that you are touching people with your honesty and brokenness including myself.

  64. Still Livin  December 18, 2019 at 7:09 pm Reply

    The holiday blues, yep I know what they are. Last year I was numb and couldn’t feel anything, my first Christmas without him. This Christmas I am feeling everything; issues with sadness, loneliness, and regret.

    Losing the one person who knew me best and loved me anyway is a real loss. My love for him has not dissipated or changed. He is missed everyday, I compare it to having your legs cut off. Every movement takes extra effort and reminds you of what you are missing.

    On another note;
    I don’t know that he is ok, or where ever he is at. All I do know for certain is that I am not ok where I am at. And it’s the fucking holidays.

  65. Still Livin  December 18, 2019 at 7:09 pm Reply

    The holiday blues, yep I know what they are. Last year I was numb and couldn’t feel anything, my first Christmas without him. This Christmas I am feeling everything; issues with sadness, loneliness, and regret.

    Losing the one person who knew me best and loved me anyway is a real loss. My love for him has not dissipated or changed. He is missed everyday, I compare it to having your legs cut off. Every movement takes extra effort and reminds you of what you are missing.

    On another note;
    I don’t know that he is ok, or where ever he is at. All I do know for certain is that I am not ok where I am at. And it’s the fucking holidays.

  66. Still Livin  December 18, 2019 at 7:09 pm Reply

    The holiday blues, yep I know what they are. Last year I was numb and couldn’t feel anything, my first Christmas without him. This Christmas I am feeling everything; issues with sadness, loneliness, and regret.

    Losing the one person who knew me best and loved me anyway is a real loss. My love for him has not dissipated or changed. He is missed everyday, I compare it to having your legs cut off. Every movement takes extra effort and reminds you of what you are missing.

    On another note;
    I don’t know that he is ok, or where ever he is at. All I do know for certain is that I am not ok where I am at. And it’s the fucking holidays.

  67. johan  December 18, 2019 at 3:52 am Reply

    Every. Word. Truth.

  68. johan  December 18, 2019 at 3:52 am Reply

    Every. Word. Truth.

  69. johan  December 18, 2019 at 3:52 am Reply

    Every. Word. Truth.

  70. Boggs  December 16, 2019 at 8:48 am Reply

    I lost my beloved fiancé 2 days ago. It was Saturday morning. We had plans to go to a party that evening and Sunday I was supposed to go wedding dress shopping with my mom and his mom and our sisters. We planned a funeral instead. He passed away next to me in bed, we were doing the thing every couple in love does on an easy Saturday morning. When it was over he died. I’m an ER nurse and I couldn’t save him. I don’t feel real right now. I love him.

  71. Boggs  December 16, 2019 at 8:48 am Reply

    I lost my beloved fiancé 2 days ago. It was Saturday morning. We had plans to go to a party that evening and Sunday I was supposed to go wedding dress shopping with my mom and his mom and our sisters. We planned a funeral instead. He passed away next to me in bed, we were doing the thing every couple in love does on an easy Saturday morning. When it was over he died. I’m an ER nurse and I couldn’t save him. I don’t feel real right now. I love him.

  72. Boggs  December 16, 2019 at 8:48 am Reply

    I lost my beloved fiancé 2 days ago. It was Saturday morning. We had plans to go to a party that evening and Sunday I was supposed to go wedding dress shopping with my mom and his mom and our sisters. We planned a funeral instead. He passed away next to me in bed, we were doing the thing every couple in love does on an easy Saturday morning. When it was over he died. I’m an ER nurse and I couldn’t save him. I don’t feel real right now. I love him.

    • Gratiana  December 17, 2019 at 11:17 am Reply

      I understand this statement that “you don’t feel real.” I feel the same absence of reality. I lost my partner, the love of my life and future husband, the person I imagined living the rest of my life with. I lost him only 5 months ago at the end of June. He died due to complications from a tonsillectomy. A tonsillectomy! It seems like this life is cruel joke. He passed away tragically in the ambulance—he asphyxiated and by the time he reached the hospital there was nothing they could do to save him. He was 28 years old, healthy and strong. Everyday feels unreal. I keep expecting to wake up from this nightmare and find him cuddling next to me. I know that these words may not be comforting, but at least know that you are not alone in your pain and that what you feel is normal, because it is true. I’m so sorry for what’s happened to you.

      • Anthony Cudd  December 28, 2019 at 7:58 pm

        I am so sorry to hear this,insist my Beautiful wife dec 14th,it crushed me ,I’m so lost also and I dont know wat to do.

    • Luz Montesdeoca  December 25, 2019 at 8:14 pm Reply

      So sorry for your loss, very sad

    • Candice Van Den Berg  December 31, 2019 at 3:02 am Reply

      This made me cry. Just lost my husband 10days ago. He collapsed at home and being cpr certified as a medical professional I thought how could I not save him. I read that and balled my eyes out. I guess my not alone in that feeing

  73. Catherine Deal  November 21, 2019 at 6:43 pm Reply

    I lost my husband on 1-26-2018, I have written here before. I just wanted to encourage you to not become isolated, and to maybe seek out a group or therapy where you can talk to and listen to others who have lost loved ones. Sometimes friends and family may not know how to relate to your loss. I joined a Meet Up group that helped define grief and what to expect, it helped me to see that I wasn’t alone in this phase of life. It also let me know that it’s OK not to be OK.

    I pray for all of you who are on this journey.
    Catherine

  74. Catherine Deal  November 21, 2019 at 6:43 pm Reply

    I lost my husband on 1-26-2018, I have written here before. I just wanted to encourage you to not become isolated, and to maybe seek out a group or therapy where you can talk to and listen to others who have lost loved ones. Sometimes friends and family may not know how to relate to your loss. I joined a Meet Up group that helped define grief and what to expect, it helped me to see that I wasn’t alone in this phase of life. It also let me know that it’s OK not to be OK.

    I pray for all of you who are on this journey.
    Catherine

  75. Catherine Deal  November 21, 2019 at 6:43 pm Reply

    I lost my husband on 1-26-2018, I have written here before. I just wanted to encourage you to not become isolated, and to maybe seek out a group or therapy where you can talk to and listen to others who have lost loved ones. Sometimes friends and family may not know how to relate to your loss. I joined a Meet Up group that helped define grief and what to expect, it helped me to see that I wasn’t alone in this phase of life. It also let me know that it’s OK not to be OK.

    I pray for all of you who are on this journey.
    Catherine

    • John  December 10, 2019 at 6:55 pm Reply

      Great place to listen to other people greiving…lost my wife of only one and a half years married to a head on collision
      on Nov 24th 2019….the pain is unbearable…she was my life
      in an instant our dreams of growing old together gone….hard to imagine life without her but I am taking it one day at a time.

  76. Laura rothstein  November 20, 2019 at 11:10 pm Reply

    I lost my boyfriend of 7 years when I was 21 and he was 22. He was my first true love and when he died a big part of me died. To lay out how significant it is when a partner dies, figure this. I’m now 31, 2 kids, new relationship and the pain still gets to me. I am much better than I was years ago but I still think of Chris. Bc we grew up together when chris died I feel like a huge part of me died with him. I still talk to him and wish I could tell him all the good and gard times I’ve experienced. I wish he could meet my kids, I know he would love them. I wish I could talk to him and not only in my dreams. All I can say is time goals your wounds and it doesn’t hurt so bad after awhile. I’m blessed to have my children, they saved me.

  77. Laura rothstein  November 20, 2019 at 11:10 pm Reply

    I lost my boyfriend of 7 years when I was 21 and he was 22. He was my first true love and when he died a big part of me died. To lay out how significant it is when a partner dies, figure this. I’m now 31, 2 kids, new relationship and the pain still gets to me. I am much better than I was years ago but I still think of Chris. Bc we grew up together when chris died I feel like a huge part of me died with him. I still talk to him and wish I could tell him all the good and gard times I’ve experienced. I wish he could meet my kids, I know he would love them. I wish I could talk to him and not only in my dreams. All I can say is time goals your wounds and it doesn’t hurt so bad after awhile. I’m blessed to have my children, they saved me.

  78. Laura rothstein  November 20, 2019 at 11:10 pm Reply

    I lost my boyfriend of 7 years when I was 21 and he was 22. He was my first true love and when he died a big part of me died. To lay out how significant it is when a partner dies, figure this. I’m now 31, 2 kids, new relationship and the pain still gets to me. I am much better than I was years ago but I still think of Chris. Bc we grew up together when chris died I feel like a huge part of me died with him. I still talk to him and wish I could tell him all the good and gard times I’ve experienced. I wish he could meet my kids, I know he would love them. I wish I could talk to him and not only in my dreams. All I can say is time goals your wounds and it doesn’t hurt so bad after awhile. I’m blessed to have my children, they saved me.

  79. Aneesha  November 15, 2019 at 10:10 pm Reply

    I lost my boyfriend on 6-15-19. I never knew that his time would come this fast. I met him when I was a late teenager, and he was quite a bit older than me, (died at age 40), but we never let age affect our relationship because we loved each other and we were happy with each other so that was all that mattered. We were together for 2 and a half years. The strange thing is is that we met on an online dating site, which may appal some of you, but he was 100% the real deal, tall, handsome, blue-eyed, gravelly, yet soothing voice with a southern accent. We were 430 miles away, but even though our relationship was online and long distance, we still managed to make it work for 2.5 good solid years. He was my world, and I, his. We’ve talked on the phone countless times, I loved him so much, I still do. He passed from an accidental overdose because he needed to take many prescription meds for his mental health and physical health since he’s been in many accidents. His weak body couldn’t take it. What was even weirder was that he had this notion that he was going to die soon, and he’s had this feeling for a while but I denied it because i did not want to agree with him on that and told him he’s going to live for a long time. We even talked on the subject of marriage a couple of times. He was a white man, who didn’t have a strong faith in God, and I am a Muslim whose parents are from Pakistan. Because of that, he’s been nothing but completely respectful, kind, compassionate, understanding, and loyal to me. After he died, i thought i could never find another man like him. I am single right now, and not really looking for anyone at this moment. I hid my relationship with him from my family because I did not want them to react negatively about it, which would end up not letting me talk to him. A day before he passed, I finally opened up to my sister about him and then i told him that i did that. She’s been nothing but understanding and open about it, but wished that i didn’t have to carry that burden on me for so long and told her sooner. i told her about his death and she’s been my support system for that. His friends and family that i contacted with after his death have all been support systems for me, so it was easier grieving. I miss him so much and i love him so much, and it gives me peace knowing he is in a happier, painless place.

  80. Aneesha  November 15, 2019 at 10:10 pm Reply

    I lost my boyfriend on 6-15-19. I never knew that his time would come this fast. I met him when I was a late teenager, and he was quite a bit older than me, (died at age 40), but we never let age affect our relationship because we loved each other and we were happy with each other so that was all that mattered. We were together for 2 and a half years. The strange thing is is that we met on an online dating site, which may appal some of you, but he was 100% the real deal, tall, handsome, blue-eyed, gravelly, yet soothing voice with a southern accent. We were 430 miles away, but even though our relationship was online and long distance, we still managed to make it work for 2.5 good solid years. He was my world, and I, his. We’ve talked on the phone countless times, I loved him so much, I still do. He passed from an accidental overdose because he needed to take many prescription meds for his mental health and physical health since he’s been in many accidents. His weak body couldn’t take it. What was even weirder was that he had this notion that he was going to die soon, and he’s had this feeling for a while but I denied it because i did not want to agree with him on that and told him he’s going to live for a long time. We even talked on the subject of marriage a couple of times. He was a white man, who didn’t have a strong faith in God, and I am a Muslim whose parents are from Pakistan. Because of that, he’s been nothing but completely respectful, kind, compassionate, understanding, and loyal to me. After he died, i thought i could never find another man like him. I am single right now, and not really looking for anyone at this moment. I hid my relationship with him from my family because I did not want them to react negatively about it, which would end up not letting me talk to him. A day before he passed, I finally opened up to my sister about him and then i told him that i did that. She’s been nothing but understanding and open about it, but wished that i didn’t have to carry that burden on me for so long and told her sooner. i told her about his death and she’s been my support system for that. His friends and family that i contacted with after his death have all been support systems for me, so it was easier grieving. I miss him so much and i love him so much, and it gives me peace knowing he is in a happier, painless place.

  81. Aneesha  November 15, 2019 at 10:10 pm Reply

    I lost my boyfriend on 6-15-19. I never knew that his time would come this fast. I met him when I was a late teenager, and he was quite a bit older than me, (died at age 40), but we never let age affect our relationship because we loved each other and we were happy with each other so that was all that mattered. We were together for 2 and a half years. The strange thing is is that we met on an online dating site, which may appal some of you, but he was 100% the real deal, tall, handsome, blue-eyed, gravelly, yet soothing voice with a southern accent. We were 430 miles away, but even though our relationship was online and long distance, we still managed to make it work for 2.5 good solid years. He was my world, and I, his. We’ve talked on the phone countless times, I loved him so much, I still do. He passed from an accidental overdose because he needed to take many prescription meds for his mental health and physical health since he’s been in many accidents. His weak body couldn’t take it. What was even weirder was that he had this notion that he was going to die soon, and he’s had this feeling for a while but I denied it because i did not want to agree with him on that and told him he’s going to live for a long time. We even talked on the subject of marriage a couple of times. He was a white man, who didn’t have a strong faith in God, and I am a Muslim whose parents are from Pakistan. Because of that, he’s been nothing but completely respectful, kind, compassionate, understanding, and loyal to me. After he died, i thought i could never find another man like him. I am single right now, and not really looking for anyone at this moment. I hid my relationship with him from my family because I did not want them to react negatively about it, which would end up not letting me talk to him. A day before he passed, I finally opened up to my sister about him and then i told him that i did that. She’s been nothing but understanding and open about it, but wished that i didn’t have to carry that burden on me for so long and told her sooner. i told her about his death and she’s been my support system for that. His friends and family that i contacted with after his death have all been support systems for me, so it was easier grieving. I miss him so much and i love him so much, and it gives me peace knowing he is in a happier, painless place.

    • Ali  November 17, 2019 at 8:11 pm Reply

      My wife passed away nov 2 2019 at the age of 31 we have a 10 month old daughter iam a muslim and she was white but she converted to Islam it’s so tough losing a love one I was single for a very long time till I met her the day she came into my life i knew it was true love and i was going to make her my wife we were together for 5 years and it was the best 5 years of my life it’s such a tough time for me and my daughter right now only thing that helps is prayers life has turned into a emotional roller coaster I can understand what you are going through it’s very hard

      • Aneesha  December 22, 2019 at 11:47 pm

        I think it is difficult for wanting to spend time with someone who was very culturally different. Sometimes i get afraid if i have upset God for being in a relationship with a man who was not only outside of my race and religion, but also one who came from a really rough background. it was why i never told my mother.

      • Samiha Akram  January 5, 2020 at 6:44 pm

        My husband too aged 34 and I have a four year old. Keeps asking about his dad 🙁

    • Esperanza  December 6, 2019 at 3:05 am Reply

      Hello Aneesha I 100% understand you, my boyfriend pass away a month ago, he was twice my age and it was a hidden relationship from my dad and family . I am so broken and I feel so empty and lost and life without him is scary. I just hope one day I can learn how to live with the pain.

      • Aneesha  December 22, 2019 at 11:52 pm

        I have heard of statistics of short marriages because of large age gaps, but really i think age is just a number. as long as you love each other that is all that matters. i didnt see it as being disgusting when i was with him. honestly, i just do not find guys my age (19) very mature because girls mature faster than guys. i prefer older men who know what they want. and i am aware that even guys above 30 act like stupid teenagers, but men like my boyfriend who passed, with exceptional maturity and loyalty are what i look for. i just wish people to stop staring at couples who seem to have a bit of an age gap. men my age are still boys, i prefer men, not boys. and my boyfriend was quite the gentleman i loved

      • phezy  December 23, 2019 at 10:46 am

        hi Esperanza
        i can defiantly relate to your pain my man was twice my age am 27 now he died 48 , i love him very much. i miss him everyday ,
        i cry everyday , he passed on 20-11-2019, am feeling lonely unbearable pain . i miss him sooooooooo much

  82. John Emerson  November 4, 2019 at 2:41 pm Reply

    My wife died 9-8-2019. She was 53 years old, I am 58 years old. We have a 14 year old daughter. My wife was sick for a long time and was in the hospital for a long time.. the day before my wife went to the hospital, our dog new there was something wrong with my wife, he went on to the couch were my wife was and laid on my wife stomach. I lost my job in june of this year also . I have no family but my daughter. I am so lonely and depressed without my wife, I miss her so much. We were married one month short of 26 years. John

  83. John Emerson  November 4, 2019 at 2:41 pm Reply

    My wife died 9-8-2019. She was 53 years old, I am 58 years old. We have a 14 year old daughter. My wife was sick for a long time and was in the hospital for a long time.. the day before my wife went to the hospital, our dog new there was something wrong with my wife, he went on to the couch were my wife was and laid on my wife stomach. I lost my job in june of this year also . I have no family but my daughter. I am so lonely and depressed without my wife, I miss her so much. We were married one month short of 26 years. John

  84. John Emerson  November 4, 2019 at 2:41 pm Reply

    My wife died 9-8-2019. She was 53 years old, I am 58 years old. We have a 14 year old daughter. My wife was sick for a long time and was in the hospital for a long time.. the day before my wife went to the hospital, our dog new there was something wrong with my wife, he went on to the couch were my wife was and laid on my wife stomach. I lost my job in june of this year also . I have no family but my daughter. I am so lonely and depressed without my wife, I miss her so much. We were married one month short of 26 years. John

    • Sue  November 25, 2019 at 6:06 am Reply

      I am so sorry for you. My husband passed last week and I am having a dreadfully time. I don’t feel like living anymore.

      • Carrie-anne Healy  December 5, 2019 at 11:36 am

        My boyfriend passed away 24th Aug 18 and I know exactly how you feel. I’m really starting to struggle without him. We was together 2and a half years and spent everyday together. We was each other’s best friends. We had talked about marriage and were trying for a baby before he became ill with pneumonia. He spent 2 months in and out of hospital and died of heart failure. To this day there hasn’t been a day when I don’t think about him. I find it hard talking to people who haven’t lost a partner as friends are telling me to don’t be afraid to love again and it’s time to move on but it’s easier said then done when you are completely in love with someone. You can’t just switch those feelings off. I’ve had friends recently get married and announce pregnancies and I have to pretend I’m happy for them when I’m crushed inside. I wish each day that I could just go to sleep and not wake up but I wouldn’t want to put my family through this so I am living in a nightmare.

      • Linda Ritaoja  December 15, 2019 at 2:58 am

        I recognise so much of what you’re writing and basically feel exactly the same way. My partner, whom I was living with for the last 2.5 years, suddenly died unexpectedly on the 5th of November 2019. I am devastated. According to the autopsy results, he died of a brain hemorrhage. I can’t understand why he didn’t get a proper check-up long time ago, as I’ve told him so many times that all the headaches that he had wasn’t a normal thing to have so often. And I don’t understand why he didn’t take medicine against high blood pressure when he knew he should. His death is so unnecessary, and so much more tragic because of it. I think it could have been prevented. I don’t know anymore if I believe in fate and that it’s all predetermined when we’re supposed to pass away. I don’t know what to believe anymore, but he shouldn’t have died at the age of 39. We had finally met, late in life, and were so “glued” together due to circumstances as well as strong love and affection. We were supposed to be together till we get very old. How I can go on living without him is incomprehensible, and I can’t believe how horrible this thing called life can be. My partner was full of life. I feel so sorry and sad for him for not having the chance to realise all his plans. We had just moved to Finland where I am from together, and had started a new life. It lasted less than 4 months. And I am completely unable to live without him. I feel like a ghost. I am still waiting to wake up from this nightmare.

    • Luz Montesdeoca  December 25, 2019 at 8:32 pm Reply

      Don’t give up. You are going through so much. I pray your child will provide the strength you need to get better. My husband died on 9/18/2019, cancer devastates everyone. We need to find motivation from their memories and the love we shared.

  85. Mary Hilton  October 31, 2019 at 10:13 pm Reply

    I have just lost my husband of 34 years today-we’d been together for 7 more before that. It’s hard. It’s very hard when one has to deal with an illness that just would not stop, the pain he faced would not stop-the anger, guilt and pain always eating at you because he was always sick, and you don’t want him to be in pain and you can’t make it stop, ever.
    We’d hoped he was getting better-but it didn’t work out that way. He went into the hospital just about a week ago (and had been again, and again), and never made it out alive. He deteriorated after a botched procedure put him into a semi-coma. He never regained consciousness..and when the time came, it was my decision to end his suffering. It came down to me. Nobody else. It was just the two of us. There was no other way. He would not have done any better anytime. I knew it. I knew before I was asked that I would have to do this. When I saw him collapsed on the hospital bed, breathing so badly, I knew. It was over.
    I knew then he would not be back. He never opened his eyes again.
    Nobody on earth should ever have to do this. Never. It’s beyond pain.
    Oh, I know..he would not have wanted to be put on trach, he would never improve, he would not have done any better, and he was going to die..but to be given the choice, I just would like to have him back at home bitching at me about the politics, the stupid people out there, and so on. We were always talking at each other, sharing each other’s passions..complaints, and joys.
    Intellectually I know it was the only thing I could do. Ethically and morally. But the pain has started and so have the tears because I’ve lost the only man I’ve loved for the past 41 years and he’s not coming from the hospital or anywhere, ever again.
    It’s indescribable. It’s horrendous, surreal and bizarre to be alone with nothing more than memories and belongings.
    Thankfully I had a hospice team bring us through it, but it doesn’t lessen the emptiness that I came home to, and will come home to every single day of the remainder of my life.
    Sure, we had a up and down life, but I would not have traded it for anything..and now that he’s gone, I wish I had it back..and him as well. I’m grieving right now, and expect to for the rest of my life-but I also know he would not have wanted me to crawl into a hole and die.
    But damn it all, I loved him and I miss him with all my heart, and wish it would not have happened. Getting older doesn’t make you wiser-it just reminds you of the frailty of life.
    I hope I find peace in the coming days, months and years. I will always treasure having had this life with him. I know he’s not in pain anymore and is at peace. During the last few minutes of his life I lay in the bed beside him and held him. I hope (and believe) that he knew I was there, holding him. I hope I helped him transition. I just wish I had someone to hold me to tell me it will get better. But I know there is nobody else.
    It does comfort me though (my sister in law mentioned it) that the 2nd is All Soul’s Day..and he’s become a soul.
    I came across the site looking for something to read to help through my grief.
    It has been so helpful to know that I’m not alone.
    All I can say is peace be with us all.

  86. Mary Hilton  October 31, 2019 at 10:13 pm Reply

    I have just lost my husband of 34 years today-we’d been together for 7 more before that. It’s hard. It’s very hard when one has to deal with an illness that just would not stop, the pain he faced would not stop-the anger, guilt and pain always eating at you because he was always sick, and you don’t want him to be in pain and you can’t make it stop, ever.
    We’d hoped he was getting better-but it didn’t work out that way. He went into the hospital just about a week ago (and had been again, and again), and never made it out alive. He deteriorated after a botched procedure put him into a semi-coma. He never regained consciousness..and when the time came, it was my decision to end his suffering. It came down to me. Nobody else. It was just the two of us. There was no other way. He would not have done any better anytime. I knew it. I knew before I was asked that I would have to do this. When I saw him collapsed on the hospital bed, breathing so badly, I knew. It was over.
    I knew then he would not be back. He never opened his eyes again.
    Nobody on earth should ever have to do this. Never. It’s beyond pain.
    Oh, I know..he would not have wanted to be put on trach, he would never improve, he would not have done any better, and he was going to die..but to be given the choice, I just would like to have him back at home bitching at me about the politics, the stupid people out there, and so on. We were always talking at each other, sharing each other’s passions..complaints, and joys.
    Intellectually I know it was the only thing I could do. Ethically and morally. But the pain has started and so have the tears because I’ve lost the only man I’ve loved for the past 41 years and he’s not coming from the hospital or anywhere, ever again.
    It’s indescribable. It’s horrendous, surreal and bizarre to be alone with nothing more than memories and belongings.
    Thankfully I had a hospice team bring us through it, but it doesn’t lessen the emptiness that I came home to, and will come home to every single day of the remainder of my life.
    Sure, we had a up and down life, but I would not have traded it for anything..and now that he’s gone, I wish I had it back..and him as well. I’m grieving right now, and expect to for the rest of my life-but I also know he would not have wanted me to crawl into a hole and die.
    But damn it all, I loved him and I miss him with all my heart, and wish it would not have happened. Getting older doesn’t make you wiser-it just reminds you of the frailty of life.
    I hope I find peace in the coming days, months and years. I will always treasure having had this life with him. I know he’s not in pain anymore and is at peace. During the last few minutes of his life I lay in the bed beside him and held him. I hope (and believe) that he knew I was there, holding him. I hope I helped him transition. I just wish I had someone to hold me to tell me it will get better. But I know there is nobody else.
    It does comfort me though (my sister in law mentioned it) that the 2nd is All Soul’s Day..and he’s become a soul.
    I came across the site looking for something to read to help through my grief.
    It has been so helpful to know that I’m not alone.
    All I can say is peace be with us all.

  87. Mary Hilton  October 31, 2019 at 10:13 pm Reply

    I have just lost my husband of 34 years today-we’d been together for 7 more before that. It’s hard. It’s very hard when one has to deal with an illness that just would not stop, the pain he faced would not stop-the anger, guilt and pain always eating at you because he was always sick, and you don’t want him to be in pain and you can’t make it stop, ever.
    We’d hoped he was getting better-but it didn’t work out that way. He went into the hospital just about a week ago (and had been again, and again), and never made it out alive. He deteriorated after a botched procedure put him into a semi-coma. He never regained consciousness..and when the time came, it was my decision to end his suffering. It came down to me. Nobody else. It was just the two of us. There was no other way. He would not have done any better anytime. I knew it. I knew before I was asked that I would have to do this. When I saw him collapsed on the hospital bed, breathing so badly, I knew. It was over.
    I knew then he would not be back. He never opened his eyes again.
    Nobody on earth should ever have to do this. Never. It’s beyond pain.
    Oh, I know..he would not have wanted to be put on trach, he would never improve, he would not have done any better, and he was going to die..but to be given the choice, I just would like to have him back at home bitching at me about the politics, the stupid people out there, and so on. We were always talking at each other, sharing each other’s passions..complaints, and joys.
    Intellectually I know it was the only thing I could do. Ethically and morally. But the pain has started and so have the tears because I’ve lost the only man I’ve loved for the past 41 years and he’s not coming from the hospital or anywhere, ever again.
    It’s indescribable. It’s horrendous, surreal and bizarre to be alone with nothing more than memories and belongings.
    Thankfully I had a hospice team bring us through it, but it doesn’t lessen the emptiness that I came home to, and will come home to every single day of the remainder of my life.
    Sure, we had a up and down life, but I would not have traded it for anything..and now that he’s gone, I wish I had it back..and him as well. I’m grieving right now, and expect to for the rest of my life-but I also know he would not have wanted me to crawl into a hole and die.
    But damn it all, I loved him and I miss him with all my heart, and wish it would not have happened. Getting older doesn’t make you wiser-it just reminds you of the frailty of life.
    I hope I find peace in the coming days, months and years. I will always treasure having had this life with him. I know he’s not in pain anymore and is at peace. During the last few minutes of his life I lay in the bed beside him and held him. I hope (and believe) that he knew I was there, holding him. I hope I helped him transition. I just wish I had someone to hold me to tell me it will get better. But I know there is nobody else.
    It does comfort me though (my sister in law mentioned it) that the 2nd is All Soul’s Day..and he’s become a soul.
    I came across the site looking for something to read to help through my grief.
    It has been so helpful to know that I’m not alone.
    All I can say is peace be with us all.

  88. cheryl  October 30, 2019 at 7:07 pm Reply

    I lost my husband on the 21st of October 2017 from liver failure. He was seeing a Dr. for a transplant when an infection went out of control. I will never ever forget the day the Dr told me he can’t do the liver transplant. I told the Dr. if you dont Sam will die.and the Dr said yes he will. I was with Sam till he died. I still grieve as much today as the day he died. My heart aches for him so. I miss him so much that I can not even breathe sometimes. It doesn’t get better with time . I just don’t let people know how much I hurt because most friends and acquaintances or family members don’t understand the hurt because they have not had anything like this happen to them. Sam and I were married and together for 32 years. He was my second husband. He was how a real husband should be. Family was important to him and we loved each other so much. Someone told me the other day about some man that was single and we should go on a date. I told them I will NEVER date anyone. Sam is /was the only one for me ever. Oh, by the way, to those that was so happy to point out the typos that others made when pouring their hurt and grief out I don’t care if I have Typo errors or my pronunciation isn’t correct. This is written by me who is grieving and hurting so much that I don’t care if I have typos . People like you are insensitive . Keep it to yourself

  89. cheryl  October 30, 2019 at 7:07 pm Reply

    I lost my husband on the 21st of October 2017 from liver failure. He was seeing a Dr. for a transplant when an infection went out of control. I will never ever forget the day the Dr told me he can’t do the liver transplant. I told the Dr. if you dont Sam will die.and the Dr said yes he will. I was with Sam till he died. I still grieve as much today as the day he died. My heart aches for him so. I miss him so much that I can not even breathe sometimes. It doesn’t get better with time . I just don’t let people know how much I hurt because most friends and acquaintances or family members don’t understand the hurt because they have not had anything like this happen to them. Sam and I were married and together for 32 years. He was my second husband. He was how a real husband should be. Family was important to him and we loved each other so much. Someone told me the other day about some man that was single and we should go on a date. I told them I will NEVER date anyone. Sam is /was the only one for me ever. Oh, by the way, to those that was so happy to point out the typos that others made when pouring their hurt and grief out I don’t care if I have Typo errors or my pronunciation isn’t correct. This is written by me who is grieving and hurting so much that I don’t care if I have typos . People like you are insensitive . Keep it to yourself

  90. cheryl  October 30, 2019 at 7:07 pm Reply

    I lost my husband on the 21st of October 2017 from liver failure. He was seeing a Dr. for a transplant when an infection went out of control. I will never ever forget the day the Dr told me he can’t do the liver transplant. I told the Dr. if you dont Sam will die.and the Dr said yes he will. I was with Sam till he died. I still grieve as much today as the day he died. My heart aches for him so. I miss him so much that I can not even breathe sometimes. It doesn’t get better with time . I just don’t let people know how much I hurt because most friends and acquaintances or family members don’t understand the hurt because they have not had anything like this happen to them. Sam and I were married and together for 32 years. He was my second husband. He was how a real husband should be. Family was important to him and we loved each other so much. Someone told me the other day about some man that was single and we should go on a date. I told them I will NEVER date anyone. Sam is /was the only one for me ever. Oh, by the way, to those that was so happy to point out the typos that others made when pouring their hurt and grief out I don’t care if I have Typo errors or my pronunciation isn’t correct. This is written by me who is grieving and hurting so much that I don’t care if I have typos . People like you are insensitive . Keep it to yourself

  91. Sylviasolzsmon@icloud.com  October 23, 2019 at 10:41 pm Reply

    My husband and I were ,arrived 66 years, I was 16 he was 19. We knew we loved each other so much, had 2 sons accomplished much since not having graduated from high school. I have now lost the only wonderful ,an in my life. He died on sept. 23rd and he knew I was with him I sang to him our love song to young.have wonderful family hope I join up with him on heaven

  92. Sylviasolzsmon@icloud.com  October 23, 2019 at 10:41 pm Reply

    My husband and I were ,arrived 66 years, I was 16 he was 19. We knew we loved each other so much, had 2 sons accomplished much since not having graduated from high school. I have now lost the only wonderful ,an in my life. He died on sept. 23rd and he knew I was with him I sang to him our love song to young.have wonderful family hope I join up with him on heaven

  93. Sylviasolzsmon@icloud.com  October 23, 2019 at 10:41 pm Reply

    My husband and I were ,arrived 66 years, I was 16 he was 19. We knew we loved each other so much, had 2 sons accomplished much since not having graduated from high school. I have now lost the only wonderful ,an in my life. He died on sept. 23rd and he knew I was with him I sang to him our love song to young.have wonderful family hope I join up with him on heaven

  94. Kyle  October 23, 2019 at 8:12 pm Reply

    I just lost my girlfriend of 7 years who i fully expected to be with forever (Lived together for over 6 years). She was 33. I’m 31 and basically a widower. I have no idea what to do. I’m so scared.

  95. Kyle  October 23, 2019 at 8:12 pm Reply

    I just lost my girlfriend of 7 years who i fully expected to be with forever (Lived together for over 6 years). She was 33. I’m 31 and basically a widower. I have no idea what to do. I’m so scared.

  96. Kyle  October 23, 2019 at 8:12 pm Reply

    I just lost my girlfriend of 7 years who i fully expected to be with forever (Lived together for over 6 years). She was 33. I’m 31 and basically a widower. I have no idea what to do. I’m so scared.

    • Nooshin  November 7, 2019 at 12:09 am Reply

      Dear Kyle, September 28, 2017 I lost my boyfriend who I had onlyI knew for 1/5 years to suicide. From first day I met him, He colored my world’s so beautiful with all respect, Love, Carries….etc..that any woman wish to have, I had it all. He was such an awesome, warmth and funny person that I wouldn’t ever think of his act. Well he had a dark secret, which coast him to take his own life for any reason he had in his mind. I loved him more than anything in this world. For first time after my dad passed away I felt safe again. Till that happened. I lost it! I don’t even remember when I went to his house, when his dad opened the door and grabbed me, and crying! When he said Eric my love was gone. I just fainted. I don’t remember what happened after till I woke up at hospital. I thought that was a dream or I was in coma. But when I turned my face saw his sister sitting by my bed I realized no that was real….. was really heart still now my heart it’s shattered. Either I’m happy or sad I always remember him. Our times and how special he made me feel. And no I’m not talking about materialistic, I’m talking about respect and attention… I was so scared till a year after he was gone. I didn’t want to get close to no one. Till I met my fiancé who truthfully understood my situation and stood By me patiently. I would never forget Eric’s love for me. But my Fiancé sweetness and understanding helped me to go through this tragedy. I hope your angel will watch over you. Don’t be scare. It’s not easy but God knows you can handle it just take time. My prayers go out to you🙏🏼

  97. GiveMeMyWifeBack  October 20, 2019 at 10:15 am Reply

    I don’t want to keep living but I have to because of have 2 daughters to raise. I lost my young wife to a long battle with cancer. We shared everything together. She was the only person I relied on in life. She was my outside connection to the world. God should have give me cancer and taken my life. Why did he choose her? I have no idea what I’m doing. She had everything under control and figured out. She even made doctors appointments for the girls over the phone just a couple of days before she passed. I can’t live with this pain and I promise I had not even the slightest idea it would hurt this bad. You must know the pain I’m talking about. I want to scream, I want to hit things, I don’t want to be here. I would give absolutely anything, anything to be with her for just another full day. I don’t see how life is fair. Nothing has meaning anymore. My wife had an education, career, and so many people that loved her. I will never understand while living on this earth why God would choose to take her. I need her God, I need her, not you. The only reason I’m still here is to take care of my girls.

    • Jennifer Boles  October 20, 2019 at 2:36 pm Reply

      I feel you on this. Same i have to take care of my 2 girls. It so painful, i lost my husband last sept. And it was sudden. In 5 minutes everything change. I lost my bestfrnd and mortal enemy. My lover. I wish for a 1 day also. Or some closure so i can accept things. I struggle to sleep at night. Eat the food i have. All i want now is him. I also ask God why? Why me? Its so painful. My heart is dead also. Life is so unfair to me. To us.

  98. GiveMeMyWifeBack  October 20, 2019 at 10:15 am Reply

    I don’t want to keep living but I have to because of have 2 daughters to raise. I lost my young wife to a long battle with cancer. We shared everything together. She was the only person I relied on in life. She was my outside connection to the world. God should have give me cancer and taken my life. Why did he choose her? I have no idea what I’m doing. She had everything under control and figured out. She even made doctors appointments for the girls over the phone just a couple of days before she passed. I can’t live with this pain and I promise I had not even the slightest idea it would hurt this bad. You must know the pain I’m talking about. I want to scream, I want to hit things, I don’t want to be here. I would give absolutely anything, anything to be with her for just another full day. I don’t see how life is fair. Nothing has meaning anymore. My wife had an education, career, and so many people that loved her. I will never understand while living on this earth why God would choose to take her. I need her God, I need her, not you. The only reason I’m still here is to take care of my girls.

    • Jennifer Boles  October 20, 2019 at 2:36 pm Reply

      I feel you on this. Same i have to take care of my 2 girls. It so painful, i lost my husband last sept. And it was sudden. In 5 minutes everything change. I lost my bestfrnd and mortal enemy. My lover. I wish for a 1 day also. Or some closure so i can accept things. I struggle to sleep at night. Eat the food i have. All i want now is him. I also ask God why? Why me? Its so painful. My heart is dead also. Life is so unfair to me. To us.

  99. GiveMeMyWifeBack  October 20, 2019 at 10:15 am Reply

    I don’t want to keep living but I have to because of have 2 daughters to raise. I lost my young wife to a long battle with cancer. We shared everything together. She was the only person I relied on in life. She was my outside connection to the world. God should have give me cancer and taken my life. Why did he choose her? I have no idea what I’m doing. She had everything under control and figured out. She even made doctors appointments for the girls over the phone just a couple of days before she passed. I can’t live with this pain and I promise I had not even the slightest idea it would hurt this bad. You must know the pain I’m talking about. I want to scream, I want to hit things, I don’t want to be here. I would give absolutely anything, anything to be with her for just another full day. I don’t see how life is fair. Nothing has meaning anymore. My wife had an education, career, and so many people that loved her. I will never understand while living on this earth why God would choose to take her. I need her God, I need her, not you. The only reason I’m still here is to take care of my girls.

    • Jennifer Boles  October 20, 2019 at 2:36 pm Reply

      I feel you on this. Same i have to take care of my 2 girls. It so painful, i lost my husband last sept. And it was sudden. In 5 minutes everything change. I lost my bestfrnd and mortal enemy. My lover. I wish for a 1 day also. Or some closure so i can accept things. I struggle to sleep at night. Eat the food i have. All i want now is him. I also ask God why? Why me? Its so painful. My heart is dead also. Life is so unfair to me. To us.

    • Rachael G  October 29, 2019 at 2:49 pm Reply

      I lost my boyfriend yesterday, yet I considered my husband cuz that was the next step, I have 4 boys who finally had comfort in knowing that my bf was there for us, he was truly like their father, every sec my life is breaking, I’m wondering why, the whole process of him being in the ICU for a week leading to yesterday, I was hit with the coulda, shoulda, wouldas, I don’t question why God took him, cuz I can’t blame him, he was the absolutely the best, most kind, sweet and loving person, I had never met someone like him. I’m finding it so hard how to keep going, I’m not really given a choice, cuz I have 4 young men to raise, almost 3 years ago I lost my mother, my first lost ever and lost my way, it was my husband that helped me find myself, our relationship was just beginning, we haven’t even been together 2 years yet, but I’m smart enough to know that in that short time frame, he made me understand that there was always a way through the storm, and I’m stuck facing this alone, cuz he was my right hand, gone entirely too soon. This pain feels like it will haunt me forever, I know I will never find another Daniel, people like him are truly one in a million, I just don’t know how I’ll get through this, I don’t understand why he had to be called home so early and I don’t wish this feeling, of lost to my worst enemy, they say God will never give you too much to handle, but the last 3 years has really set out to destroy me.

    • Luz Montesdeoca  December 25, 2019 at 8:41 pm Reply

      That’s exactly how i feel, i don’t want to live without my husband but i have 2 kids. I have to go on, working, shopping, etc. But the whole time i just want to scream, why? I had no idea i would miss him this much but i need him.

  100. Donna  October 11, 2019 at 1:22 pm Reply

    I lost my soulmate on 27.8.19 – he had lung cancer but we believed he had beaten it and was in remission. We were married 40 years in August 2019 and went on holiday with our grown up children and their partners- two weeks later he passed away from secondary liver cancer ?. I can’t believe he’s gone so quickly. He was such a strong man and he refused to talk about his illness and was adamant he would get better – I feel so desperate without him and feel like I can’t bear to live without him it’s all so pointless- my children are the only thing that keep me going. I just go about life in a daze surrounded by people but I am still consumed with loneliness. I am so angry as he was a wonderful husband, father and all round good man – why did he have to die when he wanted to live so much. He won’t live to see our beautiful daughter get married or play with a grandchild- I can’t breath I am so devastated and know this will never end

  101. Donna  October 11, 2019 at 1:22 pm Reply

    I lost my soulmate on 27.8.19 – he had lung cancer but we believed he had beaten it and was in remission. We were married 40 years in August 2019 and went on holiday with our grown up children and their partners- two weeks later he passed away from secondary liver cancer ?. I can’t believe he’s gone so quickly. He was such a strong man and he refused to talk about his illness and was adamant he would get better – I feel so desperate without him and feel like I can’t bear to live without him it’s all so pointless- my children are the only thing that keep me going. I just go about life in a daze surrounded by people but I am still consumed with loneliness. I am so angry as he was a wonderful husband, father and all round good man – why did he have to die when he wanted to live so much. He won’t live to see our beautiful daughter get married or play with a grandchild- I can’t breath I am so devastated and know this will never end

  102. Donna  October 11, 2019 at 1:22 pm Reply

    I lost my soulmate on 27.8.19 – he had lung cancer but we believed he had beaten it and was in remission. We were married 40 years in August 2019 and went on holiday with our grown up children and their partners- two weeks later he passed away from secondary liver cancer 😢. I can’t believe he’s gone so quickly. He was such a strong man and he refused to talk about his illness and was adamant he would get better – I feel so desperate without him and feel like I can’t bear to live without him it’s all so pointless- my children are the only thing that keep me going. I just go about life in a daze surrounded by people but I am still consumed with loneliness. I am so angry as he was a wonderful husband, father and all round good man – why did he have to die when he wanted to live so much. He won’t live to see our beautiful daughter get married or play with a grandchild- I can’t breath I am so devastated and know this will never end

    • Dev Levine  October 16, 2019 at 7:21 pm Reply

      My husband of 43 years is slowly dying of kidney failure. He refuses to get on Dialysis. I also have kidney failure and on Dialysis. Today was a difficult day for me emotionally.
      It’s very difficult as we have no family here and just a few acquaintances. He doesnt want me to be involved yet I’m taking care of him. Whenever I bring up making final arrangements he gets angry.
      I’m dealing with so much uncertainty and am afraid.

    • Luz Montesdeoca  December 25, 2019 at 8:22 pm Reply

      I know how you feel. I am so sorry we have to lose the people we love. I feel i can’t live without my husband either. He passed away in sept. From liver cancer, i hate this cancer, it takes the people we love. We have to take comfort in our memories. That’s all we have

  103. Tamara Herz  October 5, 2019 at 8:53 pm Reply

    I lost my husband of almost 30 years and living together for almost 35 years and knowing him since HS. Father of my kids and my best friend. He passed away December 16, 2018 and I miss him every day. This article has everything that I recognize and go through. Beautiful memories as well as sad memories and every where I go I have memories which are sometimes difficult to deal with. This week, a year ago, at Publix we got the call from Moffitt that something was wrong and the call came shortly after hearing that his cancer had not returned. Then to learn that he had stage 4 terminal cancer was shocking…approx 6 weeks later, he passed away at age 56.
    I lost a huge part of myself and you get to know your friends, or better said, people you thought were friends as where are they when you need someone to just enjoy some time. It seems, as I was warned, to be a person that they look at as a threat to their marriage, even though the thought of dating hasn’t even crossed my mind. The question if we had life insurance was another shocking moment.
    The easiest to talk with is people who, sadly, went through the same experience.
    Hearing from others that time will not heal, is another difficult thing that might be true but I try to be strong for my kids.

  104. Tamara Herz  October 5, 2019 at 8:53 pm Reply

    I lost my husband of almost 30 years and living together for almost 35 years and knowing him since HS. Father of my kids and my best friend. He passed away December 16, 2018 and I miss him every day. This article has everything that I recognize and go through. Beautiful memories as well as sad memories and every where I go I have memories which are sometimes difficult to deal with. This week, a year ago, at Publix we got the call from Moffitt that something was wrong and the call came shortly after hearing that his cancer had not returned. Then to learn that he had stage 4 terminal cancer was shocking…approx 6 weeks later, he passed away at age 56.
    I lost a huge part of myself and you get to know your friends, or better said, people you thought were friends as where are they when you need someone to just enjoy some time. It seems, as I was warned, to be a person that they look at as a threat to their marriage, even though the thought of dating hasn’t even crossed my mind. The question if we had life insurance was another shocking moment.
    The easiest to talk with is people who, sadly, went through the same experience.
    Hearing from others that time will not heal, is another difficult thing that might be true but I try to be strong for my kids.

  105. Tamara Herz  October 5, 2019 at 8:53 pm Reply

    I lost my husband of almost 30 years and living together for almost 35 years and knowing him since HS. Father of my kids and my best friend. He passed away December 16, 2018 and I miss him every day. This article has everything that I recognize and go through. Beautiful memories as well as sad memories and every where I go I have memories which are sometimes difficult to deal with. This week, a year ago, at Publix we got the call from Moffitt that something was wrong and the call came shortly after hearing that his cancer had not returned. Then to learn that he had stage 4 terminal cancer was shocking…approx 6 weeks later, he passed away at age 56.
    I lost a huge part of myself and you get to know your friends, or better said, people you thought were friends as where are they when you need someone to just enjoy some time. It seems, as I was warned, to be a person that they look at as a threat to their marriage, even though the thought of dating hasn’t even crossed my mind. The question if we had life insurance was another shocking moment.
    The easiest to talk with is people who, sadly, went through the same experience.
    Hearing from others that time will not heal, is another difficult thing that might be true but I try to be strong for my kids.

    • Charlotte Miller  October 14, 2019 at 1:47 am Reply

      I have entered my email 2x .i know my email,I’ve had it for 9 years

  106. Patricia  September 29, 2019 at 12:04 am Reply

    My husband of 41 years is dying of metastatic melanoma. He has about four months left and I don’t even know how to make the most of them. He’s in the hospital now with new tumors showing up in every scan as he fades away any gradually becomes less of the funny, brilliant man I’ve always cherished and who always cherished me. I worry about the stupid stuff.. how to pay the bills and get him care when what I really want to do is lay in bed and watch tv on Netflix with him, I’m so lonely when I go home at night and I know he is too. We are both tired of this half life. I realize it will be so much worse when I ant even see him, when he’s gone for good, and my sorrow begins to leak out of me.

  107. Patricia  September 29, 2019 at 12:04 am Reply

    My husband of 41 years is dying of metastatic melanoma. He has about four months left and I don’t even know how to make the most of them. He’s in the hospital now with new tumors showing up in every scan as he fades away any gradually becomes less of the funny, brilliant man I’ve always cherished and who always cherished me. I worry about the stupid stuff.. how to pay the bills and get him care when what I really want to do is lay in bed and watch tv on Netflix with him, I’m so lonely when I go home at night and I know he is too. We are both tired of this half life. I realize it will be so much worse when I ant even see him, when he’s gone for good, and my sorrow begins to leak out of me.

  108. Patricia  September 29, 2019 at 12:04 am Reply

    My husband of 41 years is dying of metastatic melanoma. He has about four months left and I don’t even know how to make the most of them. He’s in the hospital now with new tumors showing up in every scan as he fades away any gradually becomes less of the funny, brilliant man I’ve always cherished and who always cherished me. I worry about the stupid stuff.. how to pay the bills and get him care when what I really want to do is lay in bed and watch tv on Netflix with him, I’m so lonely when I go home at night and I know he is too. We are both tired of this half life. I realize it will be so much worse when I ant even see him, when he’s gone for good, and my sorrow begins to leak out of me.

    • Danielle  October 29, 2019 at 12:04 am Reply

      Patricia I am so sorry to hear this. Reading this hit home when I saw the date of this post, how many years you have been married and his cancer. The treatment and hospital stays also break my heart. On Sept. 29th 2019, when you posted I lost my husband suddenly at 1030am, he was 41 years old. We have been together since highschool. He had been in the hospital multiple times recently. He also had stage IV metastic melenoma and I also watch his amazing personality disappear over the last year. We were both scared and it was aweful to go home to a dark house and leave him in the hospital. He passed away suddenly from other complications, not cancer. Today I write this response to you with a hole in my heart. Enjoy every moment you can with him. Forget about the worry about bills and all the things that don’t matter, except the minimum. Cherrish the time you have, say I love you as often as possible. Prayers and love from me to you.

    • Jay  November 10, 2019 at 9:18 pm Reply

      Hold him every second that you can and tell him how much you love him til the moment he is gone. Forget all other worries. You will have plenty of time to focus on that when he is no longer here. What I would give to have been able to to hold my partner and slowly let go til the end. He died suddenly at 59 and it’s almost 3 yrs later now and I still miss him so deeply. and feel terrible that I was not there with him, possibly to have saved him. Cherish every second.

    • Greg  November 20, 2019 at 11:49 am Reply

      Patricia I’m so sorry for what you are going through. September 28, 2019 I lost my wife of 36 years to metastatic breast cancer, she fought it for 3 years. Cherish every moment you have with your husband and lean on your friends and family for support. I always thought my wife and I would grow old together, enjoy our grandchildren together, but when this happens you don’t know how you will make it through the day. The only consolation I have is that she is no longer suffering with the pain and I will see her again one day. Try to stay busy, go back to work if you can, it helps to distract your mind for short periods. You don’t want to and you will never forget your husband but it helps to not think about the pain and suffering they go through. Hold on to the good thoughts and memories you made with each other.

  109. Ryan  September 26, 2019 at 6:12 pm Reply

    I lost my one and only on August 15th. I found this article recently, just trying to see how others cope. Our relationship was complicated as friends and family pulled us apart, but after seven years we kept coming back to each other.

    In the last three years, we had distance come between us. She had to move, and I was not able to see her as much. She was also fighting alchohol addiction.

    I had thought she had conquered the worst of it when I asked her to move in with me in Spring. I didn’t want to hide anymore, but she needed time. I was upset, and we didn’t speak for her last two months as a result because of my immaturity.

    I’d sell my soul to have her back, but it belongs to her. I wanted her to live with me, and by this Christmas, I wanted to put a ring under the tree. Now I won’t get that chance, and all I live with his regret. I regret how I acted, and how I should have stepped up sooner, because maybe she should be with me now. I have lost friends, family, but this is the first time I lost the woman I love. As the saying goes, “Love isn’t being able to picture spending the rest of your life with someone. Love is being unable to picture living without someone”, and I find living everyday without her to be a struggle. How do people cope with this?

    • Veronica  September 27, 2019 at 1:13 am Reply

      Sorry bout Your Loss.i Loss my Husband Setember 15 2019 will be 2 months.feel like half of me is dead. cant focus.i cant think straight.i wake up crying all the time.i take 3 meds to help me but I over plied it because it dont calm me down.i tried stuffed animal ride with me in bed with me nothing helps he was the love of my life .. we was married for 26 years.he had boils low his bottom.. He had bad infection from it.infection cause a pus pocket..on tonight done emergency surgery. His heart stopped for 17 mintiues.he died on table.that was haRd for me I was alone in surgery waiting for good news and bad news came to me lord my Husband is gone for life I have noone but my family I miss my hubby.everyday its pain to wake up too I ask God every day help me through this..I am dying inside..

  110. Ryan  September 26, 2019 at 6:12 pm Reply

    I lost my one and only on August 15th. I found this article recently, just trying to see how others cope. Our relationship was complicated as friends and family pulled us apart, but after seven years we kept coming back to each other.

    In the last three years, we had distance come between us. She had to move, and I was not able to see her as much. She was also fighting alchohol addiction.

    I had thought she had conquered the worst of it when I asked her to move in with me in Spring. I didn’t want to hide anymore, but she needed time. I was upset, and we didn’t speak for her last two months as a result because of my immaturity.

    I’d sell my soul to have her back, but it belongs to her. I wanted her to live with me, and by this Christmas, I wanted to put a ring under the tree. Now I won’t get that chance, and all I live with his regret. I regret how I acted, and how I should have stepped up sooner, because maybe she should be with me now. I have lost friends, family, but this is the first time I lost the woman I love. As the saying goes, “Love isn’t being able to picture spending the rest of your life with someone. Love is being unable to picture living without someone”, and I find living everyday without her to be a struggle. How do people cope with this?

    • Veronica  September 27, 2019 at 1:13 am Reply

      Sorry bout Your Loss.i Loss my Husband Setember 15 2019 will be 2 months.feel like half of me is dead. cant focus.i cant think straight.i wake up crying all the time.i take 3 meds to help me but I over plied it because it dont calm me down.i tried stuffed animal ride with me in bed with me nothing helps he was the love of my life .. we was married for 26 years.he had boils low his bottom.. He had bad infection from it.infection cause a pus pocket..on tonight done emergency surgery. His heart stopped for 17 mintiues.he died on table.that was haRd for me I was alone in surgery waiting for good news and bad news came to me lord my Husband is gone for life I have noone but my family I miss my hubby.everyday its pain to wake up too I ask God every day help me through this..I am dying inside..

  111. Ryan  September 26, 2019 at 6:12 pm Reply

    I lost my one and only on August 15th. I found this article recently, just trying to see how others cope. Our relationship was complicated as friends and family pulled us apart, but after seven years we kept coming back to each other.

    In the last three years, we had distance come between us. She had to move, and I was not able to see her as much. She was also fighting alchohol addiction.

    I had thought she had conquered the worst of it when I asked her to move in with me in Spring. I didn’t want to hide anymore, but she needed time. I was upset, and we didn’t speak for her last two months as a result because of my immaturity.

    I’d sell my soul to have her back, but it belongs to her. I wanted her to live with me, and by this Christmas, I wanted to put a ring under the tree. Now I won’t get that chance, and all I live with his regret. I regret how I acted, and how I should have stepped up sooner, because maybe she should be with me now. I have lost friends, family, but this is the first time I lost the woman I love. As the saying goes, “Love isn’t being able to picture spending the rest of your life with someone. Love is being unable to picture living without someone”, and I find living everyday without her to be a struggle. How do people cope with this?

    • Veronica  September 27, 2019 at 1:13 am Reply

      Sorry bout Your Loss.i Loss my Husband Setember 15 2019 will be 2 months.feel like half of me is dead. cant focus.i cant think straight.i wake up crying all the time.i take 3 meds to help me but I over plied it because it dont calm me down.i tried stuffed animal ride with me in bed with me nothing helps he was the love of my life .. we was married for 26 years.he had boils low his bottom.. He had bad infection from it.infection cause a pus pocket..on tonight done emergency surgery. His heart stopped for 17 mintiues.he died on table.that was haRd for me I was alone in surgery waiting for good news and bad news came to me lord my Husband is gone for life I have noone but my family I miss my hubby.everyday its pain to wake up too I ask God every day help me through this..I am dying inside..

      • Charlotte Miller  October 10, 2019 at 5:20 pm

        I could not believe you post . I felt like I was reading Harold’s story. He died on the 26 of September 2019. I read your post and I knew you because it felt so me talking. This is the biggest thing I have ever read that is how I feel and the dates etc. This is the biggest game Your husband and mine and your relationship is so much to same. Anyway Harold went to the ER by ambulance and he also had a infection throughout his body and it was caused by these knots at the upper part of his bottom. They could not get the infection cleared up. He had a very bad time of it . I miss my husband so bad and reading how hurt You are , I I identify with you. We are married 56 years this month. I was 16 he was 19 . I don’t know what we were thinking about. I feel like half of me is dead. My life will never be the same again. Charlotte E Miller

    • Megan D  October 17, 2019 at 4:20 pm Reply

      I lost the ONE 2 weeks ago yesterday, he was 35. He was my best friend, confidant and love of my life. I never knew love like the one I experienced with him. We had been friends for some time and then serious the last almost 2 years. A week before it happened he told me he was the happiest he had ever been. A day before it happened he told me he was ready to settle down. We were planning to move in together after Christmas this year. We were so in love. He battled some anxiety but in the recent months was so at peace and happy and healthy, like a glow about him. He was traveling for work when this happened and we are still trying to find out what exactly happened to him. He was found deceased. My heart is more broken then I ever knew I could experience and I find coping an issue.
      how do I move on? I don’t want to move on without him, he was my ONE and we had plans to take on the world together but now he is gone. The pain in unbearable. It seems to be one of the worst things life can throw at you.

    • Trish  October 28, 2019 at 7:24 pm Reply

      Hi ryan
      I read ur problem..its actually very similar to mine with my boyfriend..who died last November.. family do have big interference with people but drink problem can be so upsetting and if u dont drink it’s like me….you sound to me like s very nice kind caring man..some day u find a person who deserves you so much and you will love her and please God ur family will accept her.. grieve as much as u like..but talk to someone I still talking when he died I still cry every day over him.. I loved him to pieces and his family were not happy with me I never drank or smoked ..but what ever I did for him i was not a farmer..he was in terrible relationship and i saved him from been litterly been very badly beaten up ..I Helped him get off drink they never happy..He was off the 9 years but unfortunately he died suddenly of a heart attack..I was so upset as I rang him very regularly and he advised me about everything..He told me he loved me 4 weeks before he died..My problem i bring flowers to his grave every month as its distant away, but his ex girlfriend has put a teddy bear with love sarah on it..I foolishly told her I go to the grave and I want to get rid of it because she put it there to annoy me…it took her 9 months before she visited it..what would u do .if u were me…

  112. Shanae Mack  September 22, 2019 at 8:42 am Reply

    I loss my fiancé on June 3, 2019. He had been admitted into the hospital 7 days prior when I found him unresponsive in our bedroom . Even though I lost it I performed cpr until the paramedics arrived. He had no health issues ???. I don’t know why he didn’t auto. They said stress to the heart is what killed him. I am so lost without him, my heart is broken. I’m angry, depressed, so sad , I’m lonely. At this point I am just existing. I would give anything to have him back.

  113. Shanae Mack  September 22, 2019 at 8:42 am Reply

    I loss my fiancé on June 3, 2019. He had been admitted into the hospital 7 days prior when I found him unresponsive in our bedroom . Even though I lost it I performed cpr until the paramedics arrived. He had no health issues ???. I don’t know why he didn’t auto. They said stress to the heart is what killed him. I am so lost without him, my heart is broken. I’m angry, depressed, so sad , I’m lonely. At this point I am just existing. I would give anything to have him back.

  114. Shanae Mack  September 22, 2019 at 8:42 am Reply

    I loss my fiancé on June 3, 2019. He had been admitted into the hospital 7 days prior when I found him unresponsive in our bedroom . Even though I lost it I performed cpr until the paramedics arrived. He had no health issues 😢😢😢. I don’t know why he didn’t auto. They said stress to the heart is what killed him. I am so lost without him, my heart is broken. I’m angry, depressed, so sad , I’m lonely. At this point I am just existing. I would give anything to have him back.

  115. Padaskavula  September 19, 2019 at 6:43 am Reply

    I lost my husband of 23 years on July 12, 2018. He passed away from a heart condition but very unexpected. We have known eachother since we are kids. I was 10 years old when we met and he’s never left my side since until now. I understand now how when people talk about couples in love, actually elder couples. And that when one dies the other does right after them. Because to say I’m lost and broken now would be an understatement. My emotions do get the best of me though. One day I am so sad and miserable and then the next day I’m so angry that he is not here and won’t be able to see our boys get married or babysit our grandkids that we have one day together and have a blast. I am left behind but I have to stay strong because I have 2 kids to raise…alone now. Idk how to even take people seriously when they say just give it time. I don’t ever want to forget him or feel better. I miss him, he was everything to me. And I to him..I feel like he’s up in heaven so upset watching down on us bc he’s not here. I would give anything to see his beautiful smile again or smell him. And to kiss his lips or even be in his arms. I can relate to everyone on here. And it really is so nice to read all these comments and see I’m not crazy. Because my family tells me to get over it already. Needlesstosay I don’t want any part of them anymore. I’m gonna be ok that I know. I’m blessed with 2 great kids. My heart will never be full again but that’s ok bc my focus is seeing him again in heaven one day. He better be waiting open arms!!! Lol…and then maybe we can stroll around holding hands and go over the rainbow bridge and see all our old pets. Lol..im not crazy don’t worry. I just have quite an imagaination. Hey, but u never know rt?? Much love to everyone on here❤

  116. Padaskavula  September 19, 2019 at 6:43 am Reply

    I lost my husband of 23 years on July 12, 2018. He passed away from a heart condition but very unexpected. We have known eachother since we are kids. I was 10 years old when we met and he’s never left my side since until now. I understand now how when people talk about couples in love, actually elder couples. And that when one dies the other does right after them. Because to say I’m lost and broken now would be an understatement. My emotions do get the best of me though. One day I am so sad and miserable and then the next day I’m so angry that he is not here and won’t be able to see our boys get married or babysit our grandkids that we have one day together and have a blast. I am left behind but I have to stay strong because I have 2 kids to raise…alone now. Idk how to even take people seriously when they say just give it time. I don’t ever want to forget him or feel better. I miss him, he was everything to me. And I to him..I feel like he’s up in heaven so upset watching down on us bc he’s not here. I would give anything to see his beautiful smile again or smell him. And to kiss his lips or even be in his arms. I can relate to everyone on here. And it really is so nice to read all these comments and see I’m not crazy. Because my family tells me to get over it already. Needlesstosay I don’t want any part of them anymore. I’m gonna be ok that I know. I’m blessed with 2 great kids. My heart will never be full again but that’s ok bc my focus is seeing him again in heaven one day. He better be waiting open arms!!! Lol…and then maybe we can stroll around holding hands and go over the rainbow bridge and see all our old pets. Lol..im not crazy don’t worry. I just have quite an imagaination. Hey, but u never know rt?? Much love to everyone on here❤

  117. Padaskavula  September 19, 2019 at 6:43 am Reply

    I lost my husband of 23 years on July 12, 2018. He passed away from a heart condition but very unexpected. We have known eachother since we are kids. I was 10 years old when we met and he’s never left my side since until now. I understand now how when people talk about couples in love, actually elder couples. And that when one dies the other does right after them. Because to say I’m lost and broken now would be an understatement. My emotions do get the best of me though. One day I am so sad and miserable and then the next day I’m so angry that he is not here and won’t be able to see our boys get married or babysit our grandkids that we have one day together and have a blast. I am left behind but I have to stay strong because I have 2 kids to raise…alone now. Idk how to even take people seriously when they say just give it time. I don’t ever want to forget him or feel better. I miss him, he was everything to me. And I to him..I feel like he’s up in heaven so upset watching down on us bc he’s not here. I would give anything to see his beautiful smile again or smell him. And to kiss his lips or even be in his arms. I can relate to everyone on here. And it really is so nice to read all these comments and see I’m not crazy. Because my family tells me to get over it already. Needlesstosay I don’t want any part of them anymore. I’m gonna be ok that I know. I’m blessed with 2 great kids. My heart will never be full again but that’s ok bc my focus is seeing him again in heaven one day. He better be waiting open arms!!! Lol…and then maybe we can stroll around holding hands and go over the rainbow bridge and see all our old pets. Lol..im not crazy don’t worry. I just have quite an imagaination. Hey, but u never know rt?? Much love to everyone on here❤

  118. Jo  September 18, 2019 at 8:38 pm Reply

    Hi! I am so sorry for the losses everyone has experienced…suffered seems a more appropriate word. I lost my partner 5 months ago to cancer. She was only 57. She was so active and followed healthy eating habits. That just made her death that much more difficult to understand and accept. She was also my best friend. We did everything together and had many wonderful road trips and vacations together. We had a retirement plan and looked forward to spending that time together without the work obligations to just enjoy life. I am so sad that she cannot be here to enjoy it and to enjoy our families. I am also lost thinking about a future without her. She also leaves behind adult children that I cared about deeply, but they shocked me during her illness, especially when she became unable to communicate. It seemed they were focused on taking over our home and everything attached to it. I was the primary caregiver for their mom and was the only one at home with her until the last week, but as soon as she became unable to communicate, they started acting like it had not been my home and they had a sense of entitlement that it was their home now. Our home was only in her name , but we both invested financially and physically into our home. I knew her kids would get our home, because their was not a will. I was okay with that and told them I was okay with it, but they started making threats when I was only focused on caring for their mom, my life partner i.e. they told me, “there will be more hiccups to come and boundaries crossed” (this was said after they forged their mom’s name to make themselves durable power of attorney over financial and medical) and I was told that I would need to show receipts. Receipts for items I bought or that we bought…I don’t think so! The medical DPA was almost comical if it had not been so tragic, because her daughter named herself DPA and did not lift a finger to care for her mom. In fact, the one time I asked her to give a pain med to her mom (I had it dosed out and time written down) she failed to give it saying she got too busy with the social worker. The daughter called the social worker the two times she was at our home those last few weeks. It appeared the daughter wanted the social worker to think she was more involved than she actually was. Pain med ..how do you forget the pain med when that was the primary focus at that point!?!? Her dose was 5 hours late, because the daughter forgot and didn’t think about it enough to tell me. After we lost my partner (their mom), the daughter called me less than 12 hours after losing their mom (my partner) and after I had only been in bed 2 hours, to tell me they were meeting at our home to discuss plans…after some pressing I found out it was to make plans for me to move out or rather tell me when I would be moving. I told them to give me a few weeks to grieve (my therapist said she would have told them a lot more than that). They would not stop trying to call me, so out of grief, lack of sleep, and their ongoing bullying I snapped and gathered my family together and they got me moved out. Well, I was then called an f***ing coward and a liar, because I moved without telling them. The daughter said the one of her siblings defended me through this “whole horrible thing.” I asked the daughter why he would have even had to defend me and she said, “because I was afraid you would drag your feet for a few months.” She said this to the person that had just taken “excellent” care of their mom. One moment they are threatening me and the next they are mad because I moved. The daughter also said I was putting my grief over their grief, because I moved and took only my stuff. She also told me not to show my face (her words) at my partner’s services. That was our home. How could anyone be that cold and entitled!? I don’t understand and will never understand. I have cut contact with them and never said one unkind word to them, even though there is so much I would like to have said. I don’t say anything out of respect for their mom! I can definitely relate to many people on this thread that are not only suffering the loss of a partner, but also the stressful circumstances of dealing with irrational, cold people. Grief is hard enough without the unnecessary unkind acts and words of others. I’m sorry that I went on and on, as I know we are all grieving. Please know that you are not alone. Lots of love, comfort, and prayers to each of you!

  119. Jo  September 18, 2019 at 8:38 pm Reply

    Hi! I am so sorry for the losses everyone has experienced…suffered seems a more appropriate word. I lost my partner 5 months ago to cancer. She was only 57. She was so active and followed healthy eating habits. That just made her death that much more difficult to understand and accept. She was also my best friend. We did everything together and had many wonderful road trips and vacations together. We had a retirement plan and looked forward to spending that time together without the work obligations to just enjoy life. I am so sad that she cannot be here to enjoy it and to enjoy our families. I am also lost thinking about a future without her. She also leaves behind adult children that I cared about deeply, but they shocked me during her illness, especially when she became unable to communicate. It seemed they were focused on taking over our home and everything attached to it. I was the primary caregiver for their mom and was the only one at home with her until the last week, but as soon as she became unable to communicate, they started acting like it had not been my home and they had a sense of entitlement that it was their home now. Our home was only in her name , but we both invested financially and physically into our home. I knew her kids would get our home, because their was not a will. I was okay with that and told them I was okay with it, but they started making threats when I was only focused on caring for their mom, my life partner i.e. they told me, “there will be more hiccups to come and boundaries crossed” (this was said after they forged their mom’s name to make themselves durable power of attorney over financial and medical) and I was told that I would need to show receipts. Receipts for items I bought or that we bought…I don’t think so! The medical DPA was almost comical if it had not been so tragic, because her daughter named herself DPA and did not lift a finger to care for her mom. In fact, the one time I asked her to give a pain med to her mom (I had it dosed out and time written down) she failed to give it saying she got too busy with the social worker. The daughter called the social worker the two times she was at our home those last few weeks. It appeared the daughter wanted the social worker to think she was more involved than she actually was. Pain med ..how do you forget the pain med when that was the primary focus at that point!?!? Her dose was 5 hours late, because the daughter forgot and didn’t think about it enough to tell me. After we lost my partner (their mom), the daughter called me less than 12 hours after losing their mom (my partner) and after I had only been in bed 2 hours, to tell me they were meeting at our home to discuss plans…after some pressing I found out it was to make plans for me to move out or rather tell me when I would be moving. I told them to give me a few weeks to grieve (my therapist said she would have told them a lot more than that). They would not stop trying to call me, so out of grief, lack of sleep, and their ongoing bullying I snapped and gathered my family together and they got me moved out. Well, I was then called an f***ing coward and a liar, because I moved without telling them. The daughter said the one of her siblings defended me through this “whole horrible thing.” I asked the daughter why he would have even had to defend me and she said, “because I was afraid you would drag your feet for a few months.” She said this to the person that had just taken “excellent” care of their mom. One moment they are threatening me and the next they are mad because I moved. The daughter also said I was putting my grief over their grief, because I moved and took only my stuff. She also told me not to show my face (her words) at my partner’s services. That was our home. How could anyone be that cold and entitled!? I don’t understand and will never understand. I have cut contact with them and never said one unkind word to them, even though there is so much I would like to have said. I don’t say anything out of respect for their mom! I can definitely relate to many people on this thread that are not only suffering the loss of a partner, but also the stressful circumstances of dealing with irrational, cold people. Grief is hard enough without the unnecessary unkind acts and words of others. I’m sorry that I went on and on, as I know we are all grieving. Please know that you are not alone. Lots of love, comfort, and prayers to each of you!

  120. Jo  September 18, 2019 at 8:38 pm Reply

    Hi! I am so sorry for the losses everyone has experienced…suffered seems a more appropriate word. I lost my partner 5 months ago to cancer. She was only 57. She was so active and followed healthy eating habits. That just made her death that much more difficult to understand and accept. She was also my best friend. We did everything together and had many wonderful road trips and vacations together. We had a retirement plan and looked forward to spending that time together without the work obligations to just enjoy life. I am so sad that she cannot be here to enjoy it and to enjoy our families. I am also lost thinking about a future without her. She also leaves behind adult children that I cared about deeply, but they shocked me during her illness, especially when she became unable to communicate. It seemed they were focused on taking over our home and everything attached to it. I was the primary caregiver for their mom and was the only one at home with her until the last week, but as soon as she became unable to communicate, they started acting like it had not been my home and they had a sense of entitlement that it was their home now. Our home was only in her name , but we both invested financially and physically into our home. I knew her kids would get our home, because their was not a will. I was okay with that and told them I was okay with it, but they started making threats when I was only focused on caring for their mom, my life partner i.e. they told me, “there will be more hiccups to come and boundaries crossed” (this was said after they forged their mom’s name to make themselves durable power of attorney over financial and medical) and I was told that I would need to show receipts. Receipts for items I bought or that we bought…I don’t think so! The medical DPA was almost comical if it had not been so tragic, because her daughter named herself DPA and did not lift a finger to care for her mom. In fact, the one time I asked her to give a pain med to her mom (I had it dosed out and time written down) she failed to give it saying she got too busy with the social worker. The daughter called the social worker the two times she was at our home those last few weeks. It appeared the daughter wanted the social worker to think she was more involved than she actually was. Pain med ..how do you forget the pain med when that was the primary focus at that point!?!? Her dose was 5 hours late, because the daughter forgot and didn’t think about it enough to tell me. After we lost my partner (their mom), the daughter called me less than 12 hours after losing their mom (my partner) and after I had only been in bed 2 hours, to tell me they were meeting at our home to discuss plans…after some pressing I found out it was to make plans for me to move out or rather tell me when I would be moving. I told them to give me a few weeks to grieve (my therapist said she would have told them a lot more than that). They would not stop trying to call me, so out of grief, lack of sleep, and their ongoing bullying I snapped and gathered my family together and they got me moved out. Well, I was then called an f***ing coward and a liar, because I moved without telling them. The daughter said the one of her siblings defended me through this “whole horrible thing.” I asked the daughter why he would have even had to defend me and she said, “because I was afraid you would drag your feet for a few months.” She said this to the person that had just taken “excellent” care of their mom. One moment they are threatening me and the next they are mad because I moved. The daughter also said I was putting my grief over their grief, because I moved and took only my stuff. She also told me not to show my face (her words) at my partner’s services. That was our home. How could anyone be that cold and entitled!? I don’t understand and will never understand. I have cut contact with them and never said one unkind word to them, even though there is so much I would like to have said. I don’t say anything out of respect for their mom! I can definitely relate to many people on this thread that are not only suffering the loss of a partner, but also the stressful circumstances of dealing with irrational, cold people. Grief is hard enough without the unnecessary unkind acts and words of others. I’m sorry that I went on and on, as I know we are all grieving. Please know that you are not alone. Lots of love, comfort, and prayers to each of you!

  121. Laurie  September 18, 2019 at 1:22 pm Reply

    I lost my lover, my best friend, my life two days ago. Alcoholism took him. I performed CPR on him until the paramedics came. They tried everything but his heart gave out. He tried every day to quit drinking and every day he lost the battle. We were supposed to move to the beach next summer to start a new beginning. We had plans. Now the only plans are a funeral. He was my soulmate. Half of me is now gone. My heart hurts so badly. Everywhere I look, everywhere I drive…. he’s there….but he’s not.

  122. Laurie  September 18, 2019 at 1:22 pm Reply

    I lost my lover, my best friend, my life two days ago. Alcoholism took him. I performed CPR on him until the paramedics came. They tried everything but his heart gave out. He tried every day to quit drinking and every day he lost the battle. We were supposed to move to the beach next summer to start a new beginning. We had plans. Now the only plans are a funeral. He was my soulmate. Half of me is now gone. My heart hurts so badly. Everywhere I look, everywhere I drive…. he’s there….but he’s not.

  123. Laurie  September 18, 2019 at 1:22 pm Reply

    I lost my lover, my best friend, my life two days ago. Alcoholism took him. I performed CPR on him until the paramedics came. They tried everything but his heart gave out. He tried every day to quit drinking and every day he lost the battle. We were supposed to move to the beach next summer to start a new beginning. We had plans. Now the only plans are a funeral. He was my soulmate. Half of me is now gone. My heart hurts so badly. Everywhere I look, everywhere I drive…. he’s there….but he’s not.

  124. Susan  September 11, 2019 at 9:32 am Reply

    I am a 67 year old woman who lost my partner of more than 25 years almost two years ago. I am trying to do what I think will help me move forward into an unknown new life, but it is still hard for me. In the almost two years since she died I sorted, purged, and packed 25 years worth of things, sold our home, and moved to another state where I have some remaining family. It was hard to leave my/our friends, but I felt that I need to be near some family as I grow older. I am settled now in my new space, and though I retired before I moved, I am contemplating returning to work part time to try to fill the empty hours. I have dinner with my brother and his wife once a week, and I am hoping to meet some people at church, but I am still having a hard time trying to learn how to move on. I am discovering that it can be difficult to meet and make new friends at this stage of my life. I still have pictures of my deceased partner all over the apartment, and I wonder if it makes me sadder to see them, and if I should put them away. I realize that I have got to find ways to meet and engage with others that I could occasionally socialize with, but I am struggling trying to figure out how to do that. I am not a total introvert, but neither am I an extrovert. Joining new groups is not easy for me. At this point in time, my life is lonely and I wonder how long it will be or if I will ever feel like I belong somewhere, like I am whole again.

    • Eleanor Haley  September 11, 2019 at 11:12 am Reply

      Unfortunately, grief has no set timeline. It is different for all of us. A support group or widow group might be a good place to meet others. Also, meetup.com is a wonderful place to find people with common interests around events – everything from walks to bookclubs to crafting, cars, sports, etc. This post might be helpful to look at – https://staging.festive-table.flywheelsites.com/myth-grief-timeline/. As for the photos, that is a very personal decision. For many, photos are bittersweet. You can put them a way and avoid the pangs of sadness they will sometimes bring, but then you also avoid the comfort and happy memories they also bring. I wish there were easy answers, but I hope you find some comfort and support here on our little corner of the internet.

  125. Susan  September 11, 2019 at 9:32 am Reply

    I am a 67 year old woman who lost my partner of more than 25 years almost two years ago. I am trying to do what I think will help me move forward into an unknown new life, but it is still hard for me. In the almost two years since she died I sorted, purged, and packed 25 years worth of things, sold our home, and moved to another state where I have some remaining family. It was hard to leave my/our friends, but I felt that I need to be near some family as I grow older. I am settled now in my new space, and though I retired before I moved, I am contemplating returning to work part time to try to fill the empty hours. I have dinner with my brother and his wife once a week, and I am hoping to meet some people at church, but I am still having a hard time trying to learn how to move on. I am discovering that it can be difficult to meet and make new friends at this stage of my life. I still have pictures of my deceased partner all over the apartment, and I wonder if it makes me sadder to see them, and if I should put them away. I realize that I have got to find ways to meet and engage with others that I could occasionally socialize with, but I am struggling trying to figure out how to do that. I am not a total introvert, but neither am I an extrovert. Joining new groups is not easy for me. At this point in time, my life is lonely and I wonder how long it will be or if I will ever feel like I belong somewhere, like I am whole again.

    • Eleanor Haley  September 11, 2019 at 11:12 am Reply

      Unfortunately, grief has no set timeline. It is different for all of us. A support group or widow group might be a good place to meet others. Also, meetup.com is a wonderful place to find people with common interests around events – everything from walks to bookclubs to crafting, cars, sports, etc. This post might be helpful to look at – https://staging.festive-table.flywheelsites.com/myth-grief-timeline/. As for the photos, that is a very personal decision. For many, photos are bittersweet. You can put them a way and avoid the pangs of sadness they will sometimes bring, but then you also avoid the comfort and happy memories they also bring. I wish there were easy answers, but I hope you find some comfort and support here on our little corner of the internet.

  126. Susan  September 11, 2019 at 9:32 am Reply

    I am a 67 year old woman who lost my partner of more than 25 years almost two years ago. I am trying to do what I think will help me move forward into an unknown new life, but it is still hard for me. In the almost two years since she died I sorted, purged, and packed 25 years worth of things, sold our home, and moved to another state where I have some remaining family. It was hard to leave my/our friends, but I felt that I need to be near some family as I grow older. I am settled now in my new space, and though I retired before I moved, I am contemplating returning to work part time to try to fill the empty hours. I have dinner with my brother and his wife once a week, and I am hoping to meet some people at church, but I am still having a hard time trying to learn how to move on. I am discovering that it can be difficult to meet and make new friends at this stage of my life. I still have pictures of my deceased partner all over the apartment, and I wonder if it makes me sadder to see them, and if I should put them away. I realize that I have got to find ways to meet and engage with others that I could occasionally socialize with, but I am struggling trying to figure out how to do that. I am not a total introvert, but neither am I an extrovert. Joining new groups is not easy for me. At this point in time, my life is lonely and I wonder how long it will be or if I will ever feel like I belong somewhere, like I am whole again.

    • Eleanor Haley  September 11, 2019 at 11:12 am Reply

      Unfortunately, grief has no set timeline. It is different for all of us. A support group or widow group might be a good place to meet others. Also, meetup.com is a wonderful place to find people with common interests around events – everything from walks to bookclubs to crafting, cars, sports, etc. This post might be helpful to look at – https://whatsyourgrief.com/myth-grief-timeline/. As for the photos, that is a very personal decision. For many, photos are bittersweet. You can put them a way and avoid the pangs of sadness they will sometimes bring, but then you also avoid the comfort and happy memories they also bring. I wish there were easy answers, but I hope you find some comfort and support here on our little corner of the internet.

  127. Heisenberg  September 8, 2019 at 8:47 am Reply

    I lost my boyfriend of 5 years on August 21 2019 to cancer. He was my best friend, my lover, my go to person, no one knew me better than he did. And I don’t know how to go on with my life. I feel alone, scared, empty. He meant everything to me, and he had the most positive attitude about his situation. He always tried to convince me that it wasn’t that bad, and he was ready when time comes. I still cry myself to sleep to this day. I would be okay if I had to go today, that’s what I always think. I don’t seem to be able to let go. I can’t write beautiful words like others, one thing I know that he meant the world to me and I to him.

  128. Heisenberg  September 8, 2019 at 8:47 am Reply

    I lost my boyfriend of 5 years on August 21 2019 to cancer. He was my best friend, my lover, my go to person, no one knew me better than he did. And I don’t know how to go on with my life. I feel alone, scared, empty. He meant everything to me, and he had the most positive attitude about his situation. He always tried to convince me that it wasn’t that bad, and he was ready when time comes. I still cry myself to sleep to this day. I would be okay if I had to go today, that’s what I always think. I don’t seem to be able to let go. I can’t write beautiful words like others, one thing I know that he meant the world to me and I to him.

  129. Heisenberg  September 8, 2019 at 8:47 am Reply

    I lost my boyfriend of 5 years on August 21 2019 to cancer. He was my best friend, my lover, my go to person, no one knew me better than he did. And I don’t know how to go on with my life. I feel alone, scared, empty. He meant everything to me, and he had the most positive attitude about his situation. He always tried to convince me that it wasn’t that bad, and he was ready when time comes. I still cry myself to sleep to this day. I would be okay if I had to go today, that’s what I always think. I don’t seem to be able to let go. I can’t write beautiful words like others, one thing I know that he meant the world to me and I to him.

    • Pratima  September 22, 2019 at 9:54 am Reply

      I can understand you. I am also going through the same pain. I lost my boy friend this July. He was my world. His death had completely broken me and I feel every day is a punishment for me to live without him. Wish death comes soon to me.

  130. Yahaira  September 7, 2019 at 4:47 pm Reply

    I recently loss the love of my life on August 26,2019. We have a 7 month old little girl. I don’t know how to deal with my grief. I don’t want to get out of bed. I miss him so much. I have a 4 year old son that all he does is mention him all day. I know I have to try to do my best and continue with my life but I can’t. I don’t want to be around anyone. I don’t
    know how to function.

  131. Yahaira  September 7, 2019 at 4:47 pm Reply

    I recently loss the love of my life on August 26,2019. We have a 7 month old little girl. I don’t know how to deal with my grief. I don’t want to get out of bed. I miss him so much. I have a 4 year old son that all he does is mention him all day. I know I have to try to do my best and continue with my life but I can’t. I don’t want to be around anyone. I don’t
    know how to function.

  132. Yahaira  September 7, 2019 at 4:47 pm Reply

    I recently loss the love of my life on August 26,2019. We have a 7 month old little girl. I don’t know how to deal with my grief. I don’t want to get out of bed. I miss him so much. I have a 4 year old son that all he does is mention him all day. I know I have to try to do my best and continue with my life but I can’t. I don’t want to be around anyone. I don’t
    know how to function.

    • Samiha Akram  January 5, 2020 at 6:42 pm Reply

      Hi I’m in a similar situation I have just lost my husband a few months ago and have a four year old. Please feel free to contact me

  133. Jaylynn  September 1, 2019 at 1:18 pm Reply

    I lost my boyfriend almost 5 months ago. On April 9 2019. I came home to find him. He overdosed on heroin. I tried to give him CPR and narcan but I didnt get home in time. I know the man I had he was trying so hard to stay clean. They say I have to let go so he may rest. And I want to but I cant I miss him every moment of everyday. Why why do i have to endure this what is the supposed lesson God is trying to teach.

  134. Jaylynn  September 1, 2019 at 1:18 pm Reply

    I lost my boyfriend almost 5 months ago. On April 9 2019. I came home to find him. He overdosed on heroin. I tried to give him CPR and narcan but I didnt get home in time. I know the man I had he was trying so hard to stay clean. They say I have to let go so he may rest. And I want to but I cant I miss him every moment of everyday. Why why do i have to endure this what is the supposed lesson God is trying to teach.

  135. Jaylynn  September 1, 2019 at 1:18 pm Reply

    I lost my boyfriend almost 5 months ago. On April 9 2019. I came home to find him. He overdosed on heroin. I tried to give him CPR and narcan but I didnt get home in time. I know the man I had he was trying so hard to stay clean. They say I have to let go so he may rest. And I want to but I cant I miss him every moment of everyday. Why why do i have to endure this what is the supposed lesson God is trying to teach.

    • Catherine Deal  September 3, 2019 at 2:41 pm Reply

      It’s sad to read these accounts of death and loss. My husband died 1.5 years ago and it seems like yesterday. Every morning I wake up knowing that when I open my eyes; I am his widow, forever changed by an event.
      Never to live the life we so perfectly planned.

      My advice is to grieve hard, go out to a field and scream, beat the dirt, run, and cry your eyes out, do whatever helps you in that moment. No one has the right to tell you to be strong, to mask or downplay your feelings in your personal space. You are going to have to own this loss until you die and it is on your terms. You have taken one of the biggest faith hits that life will hand anyone. When your partner died Life stopped, you lost control, you found out how temporary life really is. You couldn’t turn to the person who supported you because they were gone. Give yourself the freedom to grieve. It’s going to be there for the rest of your life, you’ll need to recognize it. You have been injured and it is part of who you are.

    • Breezy  September 4, 2019 at 6:09 am Reply

      Hi Jaylynn,

      I’m sorry you’re going through this. I know “sorry” doesn’t help or matter, but sometimes it’s all you can say. I lost my boyfriend/friend of 8 years on August 1, 2018– he died from Fentanyl. He had struggled with opiates in the past, but I had no clue he started using again, or perhaps that was his first relapse. I’ll never know. I relate on such a deep level to what you wrote. I wanted to know “why” too. I’m thirteen months in and I’ll ever let go of him, but I can tell you that my mindset and feelings are drastically different than how they were only 5 months after. Don’t let anyone else tell you how to feel or rush you to return to “normal”. Things will never be the way they were, and sometimes that’s the hardest thing to grieve. Take your time, don’t neglect your feelings– things will improve, but on your own timeline. Perhaps direct some energy into a project in his honor. I coordinated planting a tree with a plaque at the University where we met. As for why this happened… I still don’t know. To be frank, I stopped trying to figure that out. To combat this open ended question, I remind myself that even though I’m suffering, he’s at peace and free of his demons. My major take away from the past 399 days is to not take anything for granted and truly try to treat every interaction with my loved ones as if it could be the last. I’ve accepted that life owes me nothing and the universe doesn’t care– good things are gifts not guarantees. After the first month, months 5 – 7 were probably the toughest for me. Hang in there just a little bit longer, it will get easier. And remember that you’re not alone.

      • Eric  December 21, 2019 at 12:25 pm

        Hi Breezy, I know how you feel and what you went through. My wife also passed away from fentanyl on 11/13/19 she was 37. She suffered from the disease of addiction. This has to be the hardest thing that I’ve ever gone through. My wife was just in rehab in September. I also thought she was doing good when she got out. But it only took a month for her to go back and this time she paid with her life. The hardest thing of it all is I’m having a really hard time accepting it. I keep waiting for her to come walking down the hallway. We had so many plans we were finally moving forward and now it’s all gone. Im also an addict but I’m 2 years and 5 months clean. We have 6 children that are always asking questions and I do my best to comfort them. That’s also really tough because I dont ever feel like doing anything. Thank you to everyone that shared their story. It does help a lil knowing I’m not the only with these different kind of mixed up emotions.

  136. Liana  August 31, 2019 at 8:10 pm Reply

    My fiance passed away 4 weeks ago, right in front of me. I still dont know what happened. His initial autopsy was inconclusive and theyve taken tissue samples for toxicology testing etc. He had a cold or flu, went to bed for a nap after we had spent the morning in the city visiting his mum (which we had the day wrong, it was supposed to be the next day). I was in the bedroom putting an extra blanket on him when he seized in front of me. It was an hour between that moment and when he flat lined. He had just turned 40 the week before, and we were getting married in 2 months. I felt a lot of pressure to get things done, didnt have a lot of support from his mum in the beginning, so I swallowed my emotions and did what needed to be done. I went back to work after 2 weeks and I feel like its only hitting me now that I’ve lost my best friend forever. And sometimes I wake up and forget that hes gone and my heart breaks all over again. It’s so unbelievably hard, every single minute of the day, to carry on. The worst part at the moment is how everyone seems to be able to go back to normal, almost like nothing has happened. Reading your comments has helped. Logically, I know I’m not alone in these feeling, others have been through the same, but at the same time I’ve never felt so alone.

  137. Liana  August 31, 2019 at 8:10 pm Reply

    My fiance passed away 4 weeks ago, right in front of me. I still dont know what happened. His initial autopsy was inconclusive and theyve taken tissue samples for toxicology testing etc. He had a cold or flu, went to bed for a nap after we had spent the morning in the city visiting his mum (which we had the day wrong, it was supposed to be the next day). I was in the bedroom putting an extra blanket on him when he seized in front of me. It was an hour between that moment and when he flat lined. He had just turned 40 the week before, and we were getting married in 2 months. I felt a lot of pressure to get things done, didnt have a lot of support from his mum in the beginning, so I swallowed my emotions and did what needed to be done. I went back to work after 2 weeks and I feel like its only hitting me now that I’ve lost my best friend forever. And sometimes I wake up and forget that hes gone and my heart breaks all over again. It’s so unbelievably hard, every single minute of the day, to carry on. The worst part at the moment is how everyone seems to be able to go back to normal, almost like nothing has happened. Reading your comments has helped. Logically, I know I’m not alone in these feeling, others have been through the same, but at the same time I’ve never felt so alone.

  138. Liana  August 31, 2019 at 8:10 pm Reply

    My fiance passed away 4 weeks ago, right in front of me. I still dont know what happened. His initial autopsy was inconclusive and theyve taken tissue samples for toxicology testing etc. He had a cold or flu, went to bed for a nap after we had spent the morning in the city visiting his mum (which we had the day wrong, it was supposed to be the next day). I was in the bedroom putting an extra blanket on him when he seized in front of me. It was an hour between that moment and when he flat lined. He had just turned 40 the week before, and we were getting married in 2 months. I felt a lot of pressure to get things done, didnt have a lot of support from his mum in the beginning, so I swallowed my emotions and did what needed to be done. I went back to work after 2 weeks and I feel like its only hitting me now that I’ve lost my best friend forever. And sometimes I wake up and forget that hes gone and my heart breaks all over again. It’s so unbelievably hard, every single minute of the day, to carry on. The worst part at the moment is how everyone seems to be able to go back to normal, almost like nothing has happened. Reading your comments has helped. Logically, I know I’m not alone in these feeling, others have been through the same, but at the same time I’ve never felt so alone.

    • Jeff H.  November 6, 2019 at 7:30 pm Reply

      Liana,

      I am 29, and lost my fiance, and best friend 4 weeks ago today. We had been together for 2.5 years and engaged for only 3 weeks before her passing. Like you, i spent the first couple of weeks on auto pilot trying to figure out my life. Between planning the funeral, burying her, moving out of my house and into a 585 sq ft apartment, I thought there was something wrong with me because i wasnt crying. Here and there but not like i thought i should have. I returned to work 2 weeks ago. The pain and realness of the situation has finally set in. I have not stopped crying since. I do not want to live any more. I do not want to talk to people. I do not want to eat, sleep, or shit. My life is completely fucked up. We had a nest together. Ready to get hitched and start a family. within an hour all of that as ripped out from underneath of me. Life is fragile. Some people live for 100 years while other pass at 29 or even younger. I find solace thinking there is a higher power that needed her for something else, however i am not usually of that type. Good luck on your journey, as i am now calling it.

  139. Tiffany  August 11, 2019 at 5:44 pm Reply

    I lost my partner Gordon nearly 10 months ago when our son was only 2 months old to a motorcycle accident.

    We had been together for nearly 4 years before he died. He was my best friend, my rock, the love of my life. He was the most stubborn man I have ever met in my life but he was mine.

    I remember 2 weeks prior to his death, a thought crossing my mind, ‘ what will I do, should I get a call that he had died in an accident ‘ I shrugged off the thought and didn’t say anything to him.

    The morning of his death, he lingered in bed longer, spending more time with us before getting ready to leave for work. I remember telling him to be safe and that I love him. Under an hour later I received a text from his cellphone telling me that he had been in an accident and I need to call the number of the person responding to my text from his phone.

    My whole world just fell apart in an instant, realizing my son would not grow up knowing his father, that I will be alone through all of this.
    I’ve had the best support since that day, sometimes I still wish I could see him again, or hear him say that he loves me. And watch him playing with our son, making him laugh as he would have.

    I feel terribly lost and alone yet I have to push through for the sake of my son. I’m really glad I stumbled across this article, I feel so much less alone reading all of your stories.

    I am truly sorry for all of your losses

  140. Tiffany  August 11, 2019 at 5:44 pm Reply

    I lost my partner Gordon nearly 10 months ago when our son was only 2 months old to a motorcycle accident.

    We had been together for nearly 4 years before he died. He was my best friend, my rock, the love of my life. He was the most stubborn man I have ever met in my life but he was mine.

    I remember 2 weeks prior to his death, a thought crossing my mind, ‘ what will I do, should I get a call that he had died in an accident ‘ I shrugged off the thought and didn’t say anything to him.

    The morning of his death, he lingered in bed longer, spending more time with us before getting ready to leave for work. I remember telling him to be safe and that I love him. Under an hour later I received a text from his cellphone telling me that he had been in an accident and I need to call the number of the person responding to my text from his phone.

    My whole world just fell apart in an instant, realizing my son would not grow up knowing his father, that I will be alone through all of this.
    I’ve had the best support since that day, sometimes I still wish I could see him again, or hear him say that he loves me. And watch him playing with our son, making him laugh as he would have.

    I feel terribly lost and alone yet I have to push through for the sake of my son. I’m really glad I stumbled across this article, I feel so much less alone reading all of your stories.

    I am truly sorry for all of your losses

  141. Tiffany  August 11, 2019 at 5:44 pm Reply

    I lost my partner Gordon nearly 10 months ago when our son was only 2 months old to a motorcycle accident.

    We had been together for nearly 4 years before he died. He was my best friend, my rock, the love of my life. He was the most stubborn man I have ever met in my life but he was mine.

    I remember 2 weeks prior to his death, a thought crossing my mind, ‘ what will I do, should I get a call that he had died in an accident ‘ I shrugged off the thought and didn’t say anything to him.

    The morning of his death, he lingered in bed longer, spending more time with us before getting ready to leave for work. I remember telling him to be safe and that I love him. Under an hour later I received a text from his cellphone telling me that he had been in an accident and I need to call the number of the person responding to my text from his phone.

    My whole world just fell apart in an instant, realizing my son would not grow up knowing his father, that I will be alone through all of this.
    I’ve had the best support since that day, sometimes I still wish I could see him again, or hear him say that he loves me. And watch him playing with our son, making him laugh as he would have.

    I feel terribly lost and alone yet I have to push through for the sake of my son. I’m really glad I stumbled across this article, I feel so much less alone reading all of your stories.

    I am truly sorry for all of your losses

    • Leslie  August 30, 2019 at 4:04 pm Reply

      I’m truly saddened for your loss and others who have shared their posts. My husband of nearly 30 years due to complications of surgery related to esophageal cancer. I miss him so much and I cry so pitiful often, even as I write this post. I’m tired of crying and discussing it. My life has been very complicated and I’m not sure how to go about my loss. He was such an outstanding man and was always putting the needs of others first-hand. He made a big deal about all my accomplishments big or small. He was faithful and hard-working. His birthday is September 9 and mine September 11. We we’re together in my 20s, 30s, 40s, and early 50s. I’m not angry about that fact that he passed, but by him passing it thrusted me to move forward with my life and the transition is quite difficult. If we were separated or divorced, perhaps we could have rekindled our relationship. Since he’s deceased I have no option, but to move forward whether I want to or not. The choice has been decided for me. I don’t hold back my tears, whatever I’m doing or wherever I am , it the wave of grief coves upon me suddenly I flow with it without apology or explanation. I will overcome by the help of the Lord moment by moment.

  142. Kenny Stahura  August 4, 2019 at 3:50 pm Reply

    I lost my best friend, confidant, partner in crime, woman I love and soulmate on July 22 from complications from the heart failure she lived with all her life. I know that Sheri would not want me to grieve and mourn forever but she would want me to keep living and keep to my routine as best I can. This is also the first time I’ve lost someone extremely close to me. Sure I’ve had relatives pass away but I hadn’t seen them in years. I’m trying so hard to keep to my routines of working, going to the gym and playing hockey, just like she wanted me to do, but without Sheri around, I just feel so lost. The only problem is ever since grade school, I’ve always had a female companion right by my side. I’m not saying I’m ready to date again, I just want someone who would be there for me and give a damn, just like Sheri did. I know it’s not gonna happen overnight, but eventually. I also know I have a strong support system from my and Sheri’s family as well as work and my hockey team, it’s just the loneliness of not having Sheri here is just very difficult to bear.

  143. Kenny Stahura  August 4, 2019 at 3:50 pm Reply

    I lost my best friend, confidant, partner in crime, woman I love and soulmate on July 22 from complications from the heart failure she lived with all her life. I know that Sheri would not want me to grieve and mourn forever but she would want me to keep living and keep to my routine as best I can. This is also the first time I’ve lost someone extremely close to me. Sure I’ve had relatives pass away but I hadn’t seen them in years. I’m trying so hard to keep to my routines of working, going to the gym and playing hockey, just like she wanted me to do, but without Sheri around, I just feel so lost. The only problem is ever since grade school, I’ve always had a female companion right by my side. I’m not saying I’m ready to date again, I just want someone who would be there for me and give a damn, just like Sheri did. I know it’s not gonna happen overnight, but eventually. I also know I have a strong support system from my and Sheri’s family as well as work and my hockey team, it’s just the loneliness of not having Sheri here is just very difficult to bear.

  144. Kenny Stahura  August 4, 2019 at 3:50 pm Reply

    I lost my best friend, confidant, partner in crime, woman I love and soulmate on July 22 from complications from the heart failure she lived with all her life. I know that Sheri would not want me to grieve and mourn forever but she would want me to keep living and keep to my routine as best I can. This is also the first time I’ve lost someone extremely close to me. Sure I’ve had relatives pass away but I hadn’t seen them in years. I’m trying so hard to keep to my routines of working, going to the gym and playing hockey, just like she wanted me to do, but without Sheri around, I just feel so lost. The only problem is ever since grade school, I’ve always had a female companion right by my side. I’m not saying I’m ready to date again, I just want someone who would be there for me and give a damn, just like Sheri did. I know it’s not gonna happen overnight, but eventually. I also know I have a strong support system from my and Sheri’s family as well as work and my hockey team, it’s just the loneliness of not having Sheri here is just very difficult to bear.

  145. Gustavo Jaramillo  August 4, 2019 at 7:14 am Reply

    Good morning,
    My name is Gus from NYC. I just lost my wife just last week to breast cancer., She was 39. We were just married for 2 and a half years and been together for five years. I have no words to express the feelings going inside me. The words other people offer to be strong and that it will pass don’t help. How can I be strong when my Rick has passed away. She was the bravest and strongest person I know. She was a warrior for the four years she battled this horrible disease. I really don’t know when I will be good again. It may be months it years. Just feel so lost and alone without my love.

  146. Gustavo Jaramillo  August 4, 2019 at 7:14 am Reply

    Good morning,
    My name is Gus from NYC. I just lost my wife just last week to breast cancer., She was 39. We were just married for 2 and a half years and been together for five years. I have no words to express the feelings going inside me. The words other people offer to be strong and that it will pass don’t help. How can I be strong when my Rick has passed away. She was the bravest and strongest person I know. She was a warrior for the four years she battled this horrible disease. I really don’t know when I will be good again. It may be months it years. Just feel so lost and alone without my love.

  147. Gustavo Jaramillo  August 4, 2019 at 7:14 am Reply

    Good morning,
    My name is Gus from NYC. I just lost my wife just last week to breast cancer., She was 39. We were just married for 2 and a half years and been together for five years. I have no words to express the feelings going inside me. The words other people offer to be strong and that it will pass don’t help. How can I be strong when my Rick has passed away. She was the bravest and strongest person I know. She was a warrior for the four years she battled this horrible disease. I really don’t know when I will be good again. It may be months it years. Just feel so lost and alone without my love.

    • Saul Rodriguez  September 2, 2019 at 11:58 am Reply

      Hey Gus try and keep your head up big dawg!!!
      My girlfriend of 2 years even tho we known each other since 5th grade passed away January 16th 2019 she was 34weeks pregnant and died 30 min right after we said good nite. she passed away due to a seizure from her blood pressure being to high…
      I miss my Baybee and My first unborn son sooo much…
      even tho I resorted to slamming heroin every day it keeps me numb I know its wrong but in reality I’m just trying to catch up to them…. shiiit I’m lost too. your not alone!!!

  148. NB636  July 28, 2019 at 10:09 pm Reply

    I lost my husband in March from brain and lung cancer a month after diagnosis, now all I do is try to make sense of my overwhelming emotions. It was one emotion at a time, but it is all at once now and a terribly hopeless feeling. I look forward to going to sleep and dread waking up. I am now avoiding speaking to anyone, tired of pretending I am ok. Hearing the same old cliche. Tired of the emotional roller coaster. I am disabled and he was my rock, my best friend, he loved me regardless. Today is my birthday and I dreaded this day. I never want to hear the phrase that life goes on again, it doesn’t, life stopped, existing goes on. The anger, loneliness, fear, sadness goes on. When does it get better? I can’t even imagine it getting better. I lost my identity and feel just plain lost. The anger scares me, I have never felt this before. I am not even sure I am even commenting here about this, it goes with everything else I have done lately, grasping at straws to feel just a tiny bit normal. I had faith, that is disappearing also. I think people that lose a spouse are reminders that it can happen to anyone and avoided. I know the question of when does it get better can’t be answered, I just wish it could be, it seems unbearable all the same, I am just drained.

  149. NB636  July 28, 2019 at 10:09 pm Reply

    I lost my husband in March from brain and lung cancer a month after diagnosis, now all I do is try to make sense of my overwhelming emotions. It was one emotion at a time, but it is all at once now and a terribly hopeless feeling. I look forward to going to sleep and dread waking up. I am now avoiding speaking to anyone, tired of pretending I am ok. Hearing the same old cliche. Tired of the emotional roller coaster. I am disabled and he was my rock, my best friend, he loved me regardless. Today is my birthday and I dreaded this day. I never want to hear the phrase that life goes on again, it doesn’t, life stopped, existing goes on. The anger, loneliness, fear, sadness goes on. When does it get better? I can’t even imagine it getting better. I lost my identity and feel just plain lost. The anger scares me, I have never felt this before. I am not even sure I am even commenting here about this, it goes with everything else I have done lately, grasping at straws to feel just a tiny bit normal. I had faith, that is disappearing also. I think people that lose a spouse are reminders that it can happen to anyone and avoided. I know the question of when does it get better can’t be answered, I just wish it could be, it seems unbearable all the same, I am just drained.

  150. NB636  July 28, 2019 at 10:09 pm Reply

    I lost my husband in March from brain and lung cancer a month after diagnosis, now all I do is try to make sense of my overwhelming emotions. It was one emotion at a time, but it is all at once now and a terribly hopeless feeling. I look forward to going to sleep and dread waking up. I am now avoiding speaking to anyone, tired of pretending I am ok. Hearing the same old cliche. Tired of the emotional roller coaster. I am disabled and he was my rock, my best friend, he loved me regardless. Today is my birthday and I dreaded this day. I never want to hear the phrase that life goes on again, it doesn’t, life stopped, existing goes on. The anger, loneliness, fear, sadness goes on. When does it get better? I can’t even imagine it getting better. I lost my identity and feel just plain lost. The anger scares me, I have never felt this before. I am not even sure I am even commenting here about this, it goes with everything else I have done lately, grasping at straws to feel just a tiny bit normal. I had faith, that is disappearing also. I think people that lose a spouse are reminders that it can happen to anyone and avoided. I know the question of when does it get better can’t be answered, I just wish it could be, it seems unbearable all the same, I am just drained.

    • Adil  August 30, 2019 at 9:08 am Reply

      I’m so sorry for your loss and everyone else too my heart is shattered my soulmate of seventeen years fell asleep in my arms October gone aged 39 im utterly truamatised witnesing it all happen in front of my eyes we had our future mapped out dreams and hopes to grow old together everything my life has been blown apart taken away so cruelly and tragically every day is getting worse he was my protector my reason for getting up in the morning it’s destroying mentally and physically

  151. Katelyn  July 28, 2019 at 1:13 am Reply

    I’m not ok just a picture of us sets me off in tears it’s been years I dont know what to do how do i let go of the death of my first love like why me why would god put me through this why am i still mad years past I want help I need help I didnt want help then but I didnt know it would feel like this now… how do I let go how do I move on what do I do I cant be me still loving someone dead please help me please I look for it in other people or in the bottom of a bowl or glass but at the end of the day I still cry i feel l make progress but then i fail i dont know what to do i am my own person not my past but my past still lights me up I was a good person but now I dont know I tried god but it was a bandaid I need I crave stability but I’m in college and that just dont happened I just dont know I ask again but I cant let people hear me I need help I’m scared if they know the pain I feel they may think I’ve lost it but it’s me I cant change hes gone 6ft under I lost him why not me why not both us live why not both us be gone my feelings are pouring out I cant stop my fingers from typing this is me but isnt its flowing on to the keyboard my pain is so real but when I sober up it will be masked and hidden again I lost him and now I am gay i cant love another guy the same way is this a game god why me why me i hate the anger i feel i want it to be gone i cant do that i try so hard to move on and be good I can’t I cant I wish I could I need help please god send me help soon please I’m beg each tear that falls is another plead for help he was my world I was my best I had it planned our life was great in my head then he was gone like I blinked I watched him die why me why my heart did I deserve this did I deserve all of this why am I alive why spare me he was better my better half why not him my l9ve my l3ve (inside joke between us) of my life can I have a new life does god hate me my mom doesn’t like me dating girls but god took my man this isnt fair but life never is he loved me it was real i felt it it was there i couldn’t have been happier than i blinked bam it’s gone why me ….

  152. Katelyn  July 28, 2019 at 1:13 am Reply

    I’m not ok just a picture of us sets me off in tears it’s been years I dont know what to do how do i let go of the death of my first love like why me why would god put me through this why am i still mad years past I want help I need help I didnt want help then but I didnt know it would feel like this now… how do I let go how do I move on what do I do I cant be me still loving someone dead please help me please I look for it in other people or in the bottom of a bowl or glass but at the end of the day I still cry i feel l make progress but then i fail i dont know what to do i am my own person not my past but my past still lights me up I was a good person but now I dont know I tried god but it was a bandaid I need I crave stability but I’m in college and that just dont happened I just dont know I ask again but I cant let people hear me I need help I’m scared if they know the pain I feel they may think I’ve lost it but it’s me I cant change hes gone 6ft under I lost him why not me why not both us live why not both us be gone my feelings are pouring out I cant stop my fingers from typing this is me but isnt its flowing on to the keyboard my pain is so real but when I sober up it will be masked and hidden again I lost him and now I am gay i cant love another guy the same way is this a game god why me why me i hate the anger i feel i want it to be gone i cant do that i try so hard to move on and be good I can’t I cant I wish I could I need help please god send me help soon please I’m beg each tear that falls is another plead for help he was my world I was my best I had it planned our life was great in my head then he was gone like I blinked I watched him die why me why my heart did I deserve this did I deserve all of this why am I alive why spare me he was better my better half why not him my l9ve my l3ve (inside joke between us) of my life can I have a new life does god hate me my mom doesn’t like me dating girls but god took my man this isnt fair but life never is he loved me it was real i felt it it was there i couldn’t have been happier than i blinked bam it’s gone why me ….

  153. Katelyn  July 28, 2019 at 1:13 am Reply

    I’m not ok just a picture of us sets me off in tears it’s been years I dont know what to do how do i let go of the death of my first love like why me why would god put me through this why am i still mad years past I want help I need help I didnt want help then but I didnt know it would feel like this now… how do I let go how do I move on what do I do I cant be me still loving someone dead please help me please I look for it in other people or in the bottom of a bowl or glass but at the end of the day I still cry i feel l make progress but then i fail i dont know what to do i am my own person not my past but my past still lights me up I was a good person but now I dont know I tried god but it was a bandaid I need I crave stability but I’m in college and that just dont happened I just dont know I ask again but I cant let people hear me I need help I’m scared if they know the pain I feel they may think I’ve lost it but it’s me I cant change hes gone 6ft under I lost him why not me why not both us live why not both us be gone my feelings are pouring out I cant stop my fingers from typing this is me but isnt its flowing on to the keyboard my pain is so real but when I sober up it will be masked and hidden again I lost him and now I am gay i cant love another guy the same way is this a game god why me why me i hate the anger i feel i want it to be gone i cant do that i try so hard to move on and be good I can’t I cant I wish I could I need help please god send me help soon please I’m beg each tear that falls is another plead for help he was my world I was my best I had it planned our life was great in my head then he was gone like I blinked I watched him die why me why my heart did I deserve this did I deserve all of this why am I alive why spare me he was better my better half why not him my l9ve my l3ve (inside joke between us) of my life can I have a new life does god hate me my mom doesn’t like me dating girls but god took my man this isnt fair but life never is he loved me it was real i felt it it was there i couldn’t have been happier than i blinked bam it’s gone why me ….

    • Richard  August 24, 2019 at 12:15 am Reply

      Katelyn,

      I just read your post and I fully understand what you’re going through. I lost my wife, and the years that have passed, have barely lessened the blow. She was everything to me. We did everything together. Being with her was the best 10 years of my life. I know people think I’m crazy when I go shopping and suddenly tears run down my cheeks. If there is a God, how could he do this to someone? She was a very good person. She always did anything for anyone, but died a horrible death. I watched her body burn down to a skeleton, in front of me, but couldn’t get within 50 feet of her, because the heat was too intense. I knew it was too late anyway, but I still made the attempt. I got home from work, sensing something was very wrong when she wouldn’t answer her phone. She had a car accident in a neighbor’s yard and her van caught on fire. Since then, I’ve been unable to meet anyone who understands what I go through every day. The fireman were making jokes about her while I was standing beside them. If I hadn’t been in such shock, I would’ve punched them. It’s easy to say how you would react to sometging like that, but when it actually happens to you, it’s not what you expected. I couldn’t believe the nightmare in front of me, was actually happening. I dreaded going to sleep without her beside me. Then I dreaded the mornings even more, waking up, thinking it was a bad dream, only to realize it actually happened. I would love to talk to you, because I really need someone who understands.

  154. Mike  July 21, 2019 at 9:43 pm Reply

    I lost my wonderful wife, Cindy, the “Love-of-My-Life,” on April 4, 2019 to a very aggressive cancer, and am devastated, I can’t imagine life without her. We were married 26 years. We didn’t meet until we were 41, and our love story is a bit unusual. We were both Crafters, I made wooden “country” things and she was a ceramic tile artist. We had both been accepted to the 1985 Anaheim Harvest Festival. It was my second Harvest Festival and her first. On set-up day I had gotten to the Convention Center early and had my booth pretty well assembled and was working on pricing and hanging my products up. I had a wonderful location: a corner booth right in the middle of the hall. I caught movement out of the corner of my eye and turned to see “Just about the finest looking woman I had ever seen” walk past my booth, intent on finding her own booth location. A few minutes later she came back and walked over to me and introduced herself. I still to this day don’t know why. She told me several years later that she liked my booth design and my work and thought I looked like an “old pro” who knew what he was doing and decided to pick my brain since it was her first show in this venue. We talked for a few minutes and she left to get her booth set up. A little while later she came and asked if I had a hammer she could borrow and I did. She brought it back a bit later and we talked some more. She came back asking questions several times that day. There was definitely electricity in the air, and chemistry: pheromones, endorphins, hormones oozing out of us both. I fell in love with her. I couldn’t help it. And it just couldn’t be… I was married, and had two young children at home. I couldn’t allow myself to feel like that. I stuffed my feelings somewhere in my brain.
    The next day first thing in the morning just before the show opened she came and told me that she had someone helping her in her booth and since I was alone offered to come by once in a while and watch my booth so I could have a break. She charmed the daylights out of me. Every day she continued, insisting I needed to get out of my booth and she even made sure I had something to eat, that I would get low blood sugar if I didn’t. At the end of the show I thanked her for all her help and we said our goodbyes. I didn’t know if I’d ever see her again. When I got home I called the Harvest Festival office and inquired about any cancellations at any of their other shows and got a space at the Pomona show. Got to Pomona and learned Cindy was there too. She was setting her booth up and told me she had double-booked that weekend and wouldn’t be working the show herself, but had a couple of teacher friends that were going to be working her booth for her. I had booked myself a room at a motel near Pomona and went there and checked in after setting up. I saw
    Cindy in the parking lot of the motel and she told me she had booked her friends a room there too. She told me that they were going to have dinner at the motel’s coffee shop and asked me if I would like to join them, I told her I’d be delighted to accompany them. I don’t remember a thing about her friends, all my attention was on her. She gave them orders to “take care of Mike.” To make sure I had breaks several times a day and something to eat, and they did. She was still taking care of me although she wasn’t there. At show’s end as we were tearing down I told her how much I appreciated her friendship and hoped I’d see her again next year.
    I don’t remember which show I first found her at the second year, but she continued with giving me breaks, just as before. I didn’t understand why. I just thought she was being nice to a friend. For some reason I hadn’t told her I was married, and when it came up I could tell she was disappointed, but it didn’t stop her behavior. She kept taking care of me. I most remember the Long Beach show that year. Because of limited parking you had to tear your booth down and stack it in your space and go get a parking permit so you could park and load it. By coincidence, we ended up parked next to each other, loading our respective vehicles. Her mother was with her and as we were saying goodbye, I got really brave and asked Cindy for a big hug (I really wanted to kiss her). She gave me a wonderful hug and told me later when we were courting that she had always remembered that hug I conned her out of because she was looking over my shoulder at a beautiful harvest moon hanging right over the Queen Mary which is anchored in the harbor. The 450 mile drive home was one of the longest in my life.
    When I got home I was told I had to find a real job, no more shows. In late 1989 my then wife told me that after Christmas i had to move out. January 1 I moved into a rental that we owned. I had thought about Cindy many, many times over the intervening years wondering what she was doing. I had kept her business card for some reason, and she had told me what the date of her birthday was, and I resolved to send her a birthday card. But being the Big Chicken that I am, I waited until the following year to call her. I was scared half to death i would be rejected, but finally in early May of 1991 I found enough courage to make the phone call… her birthday was in late May and I had to do it if I was going to use the excuse of sending her a birthday card. She answered the phone and I told her who I was and asked her if she remembered me, and she replied that she did. I was practically tongue-tied and I remember blurting out that I was going through a divorce and just wanted to see how she was and what she was doing. She sensed my nervousness and took over the conversation and guided it along. She told me that she was in bed with the flu, but she was happy to hear from me. At some point she asked for my phone number and when we hung up I dashed out and bought the prettiest get-well card I could find and wrote something in it and mailed it that night. She wrote back thanking me for the card and telling me that she wasn’t going to let me off the hook for the promised birthday card.
    Well I found the most beautiful birthday card I could and sent it, also resolving to send her some flowers for her birthday. I had intended to just send a nice big mixed bouquet, but when I got to the florist’s I lost my mind and decided to send her a dozen red roses instead. That evening she called to thank me for the roses and told me when the florist drove down the driveway to deliver them she was standing in the middle of the dumpster jumping up and down to try and make room for the stuff she was throwing out of her studio to make more work space. We had a good laugh.
    A little more than a week later I found the most gorgeous box of oatmeal cookies on my doorstep. She let me think she had baked them for a couple of weeks, but then confessed she had bought them from a specialty bakery. A couple of weeks later she called and told me that she had just been accepted to the Gilroy Garlic Festival… wasn’t that somewhere up near me? She asked if I had the time maybe I could come down to the show and we could see each other, but if it didn’t work out… Of course, wild horses couldn’t have kept me out of Gilroy that weekend. I showed up in front of her booth the first thing the first day of the show. She was busy, there was quite a line in front of her booth. I got inside, and she had her mother, her older sister and two of her sister’s grandchildren with her, and nobody knew what they were doing. I looked at her and said “hi.” She replied “hi.” Then I asked her “would you like some help?” A minute later I was sitting next to her taking cash and writing credit card slips while she wrapped and bagged tiles. This continued non-stop for about 4 hours when we finally got a chance to get out of the booth and see the rest of the show and talk. I helped in the booth all three days and because it was an environment I was comfortable in I was much less nervous than I thought I’d be. At the end of the show I had to take the shuttle to the parking lot and Cindy was waiting with me. I finally got up the nerve to ask her for a kiss, and she told me that she didn’t really approve of public displays of affection and I told her that I didn’t either, but I still wanted a kiss so she made an exception. That was the sweetest kiss I ever had. I asked her if that meant I could call her my girlfriend and she said “Yes.” I was on cloud nine as I drove home.
    A couple of weeks later she called and told me she had called the Harvest Festival office and asked if there were any spots available in any other shows and they gave her one in the Ventura show. She told me she was going to have to do the show by herself and wondered if I might be able to go down there and help her. I had plenty of vacation time coming and made arrangements to take the time off. She picked me up at LAX and asked if I would drive. Not being familiar with the airport, I ended up going around two or three times before I found the proper exit to get on the 405. She had a cute sense of humor and said that with the booth and everything stuffed in her Vanagon, we probably looked like Ma and Pa Kettle Lost in the Airport!
    We finally got to Ventura and got the booth put together and started to hang tiles on the walls. It was getting to be the middle of the afternoon and Cindy suggested we take a break and check-in to the hotel. I agreed. We could finish the booth that evening if we needed. She checked us in and we went up to the room. I had been wondering all this time what to expect and had no clue. I figured it was probably a room with two queen-size beds… Cindy opened the door and there was a gigantic king-size bed in the middle of the room. I know I hesitated and my jaw practically hit the floor. She asked me if the room was OK, or did I want another room? I allowed as how it was fine, just not what I was expecting. That was the most wonderful weekend I have ever had.
    It was about a year-and-a-half later we got married, and while we had our ups and downs, there’s no question but that she was the “Love-of-My-Life.” A year-and-a-half ago I was diagnosed with stage IV prostate cancer and she thought she was going to lose me, It’s now in remission and I lost her instead. I miss her more than words can say. I just want to be with her. Taking care of her became my life over the last five years, and with her gone life has no meaning. I’m not a “believer,” but I hope I’m wrong. I’d like to be with her again.

  155. Mike  July 21, 2019 at 9:43 pm Reply

    I lost my wonderful wife, Cindy, the “Love-of-My-Life,” on April 4, 2019 to a very aggressive cancer, and am devastated, I can’t imagine life without her. We were married 26 years. We didn’t meet until we were 41, and our love story is a bit unusual. We were both Crafters, I made wooden “country” things and she was a ceramic tile artist. We had both been accepted to the 1985 Anaheim Harvest Festival. It was my second Harvest Festival and her first. On set-up day I had gotten to the Convention Center early and had my booth pretty well assembled and was working on pricing and hanging my products up. I had a wonderful location: a corner booth right in the middle of the hall. I caught movement out of the corner of my eye and turned to see “Just about the finest looking woman I had ever seen” walk past my booth, intent on finding her own booth location. A few minutes later she came back and walked over to me and introduced herself. I still to this day don’t know why. She told me several years later that she liked my booth design and my work and thought I looked like an “old pro” who knew what he was doing and decided to pick my brain since it was her first show in this venue. We talked for a few minutes and she left to get her booth set up. A little while later she came and asked if I had a hammer she could borrow and I did. She brought it back a bit later and we talked some more. She came back asking questions several times that day. There was definitely electricity in the air, and chemistry: pheromones, endorphins, hormones oozing out of us both. I fell in love with her. I couldn’t help it. And it just couldn’t be… I was married, and had two young children at home. I couldn’t allow myself to feel like that. I stuffed my feelings somewhere in my brain.
    The next day first thing in the morning just before the show opened she came and told me that she had someone helping her in her booth and since I was alone offered to come by once in a while and watch my booth so I could have a break. She charmed the daylights out of me. Every day she continued, insisting I needed to get out of my booth and she even made sure I had something to eat, that I would get low blood sugar if I didn’t. At the end of the show I thanked her for all her help and we said our goodbyes. I didn’t know if I’d ever see her again. When I got home I called the Harvest Festival office and inquired about any cancellations at any of their other shows and got a space at the Pomona show. Got to Pomona and learned Cindy was there too. She was setting her booth up and told me she had double-booked that weekend and wouldn’t be working the show herself, but had a couple of teacher friends that were going to be working her booth for her. I had booked myself a room at a motel near Pomona and went there and checked in after setting up. I saw
    Cindy in the parking lot of the motel and she told me she had booked her friends a room there too. She told me that they were going to have dinner at the motel’s coffee shop and asked me if I would like to join them, I told her I’d be delighted to accompany them. I don’t remember a thing about her friends, all my attention was on her. She gave them orders to “take care of Mike.” To make sure I had breaks several times a day and something to eat, and they did. She was still taking care of me although she wasn’t there. At show’s end as we were tearing down I told her how much I appreciated her friendship and hoped I’d see her again next year.
    I don’t remember which show I first found her at the second year, but she continued with giving me breaks, just as before. I didn’t understand why. I just thought she was being nice to a friend. For some reason I hadn’t told her I was married, and when it came up I could tell she was disappointed, but it didn’t stop her behavior. She kept taking care of me. I most remember the Long Beach show that year. Because of limited parking you had to tear your booth down and stack it in your space and go get a parking permit so you could park and load it. By coincidence, we ended up parked next to each other, loading our respective vehicles. Her mother was with her and as we were saying goodbye, I got really brave and asked Cindy for a big hug (I really wanted to kiss her). She gave me a wonderful hug and told me later when we were courting that she had always remembered that hug I conned her out of because she was looking over my shoulder at a beautiful harvest moon hanging right over the Queen Mary which is anchored in the harbor. The 450 mile drive home was one of the longest in my life.
    When I got home I was told I had to find a real job, no more shows. In late 1989 my then wife told me that after Christmas i had to move out. January 1 I moved into a rental that we owned. I had thought about Cindy many, many times over the intervening years wondering what she was doing. I had kept her business card for some reason, and she had told me what the date of her birthday was, and I resolved to send her a birthday card. But being the Big Chicken that I am, I waited until the following year to call her. I was scared half to death i would be rejected, but finally in early May of 1991 I found enough courage to make the phone call… her birthday was in late May and I had to do it if I was going to use the excuse of sending her a birthday card. She answered the phone and I told her who I was and asked her if she remembered me, and she replied that she did. I was practically tongue-tied and I remember blurting out that I was going through a divorce and just wanted to see how she was and what she was doing. She sensed my nervousness and took over the conversation and guided it along. She told me that she was in bed with the flu, but she was happy to hear from me. At some point she asked for my phone number and when we hung up I dashed out and bought the prettiest get-well card I could find and wrote something in it and mailed it that night. She wrote back thanking me for the card and telling me that she wasn’t going to let me off the hook for the promised birthday card.
    Well I found the most beautiful birthday card I could and sent it, also resolving to send her some flowers for her birthday. I had intended to just send a nice big mixed bouquet, but when I got to the florist’s I lost my mind and decided to send her a dozen red roses instead. That evening she called to thank me for the roses and told me when the florist drove down the driveway to deliver them she was standing in the middle of the dumpster jumping up and down to try and make room for the stuff she was throwing out of her studio to make more work space. We had a good laugh.
    A little more than a week later I found the most gorgeous box of oatmeal cookies on my doorstep. She let me think she had baked them for a couple of weeks, but then confessed she had bought them from a specialty bakery. A couple of weeks later she called and told me that she had just been accepted to the Gilroy Garlic Festival… wasn’t that somewhere up near me? She asked if I had the time maybe I could come down to the show and we could see each other, but if it didn’t work out… Of course, wild horses couldn’t have kept me out of Gilroy that weekend. I showed up in front of her booth the first thing the first day of the show. She was busy, there was quite a line in front of her booth. I got inside, and she had her mother, her older sister and two of her sister’s grandchildren with her, and nobody knew what they were doing. I looked at her and said “hi.” She replied “hi.” Then I asked her “would you like some help?” A minute later I was sitting next to her taking cash and writing credit card slips while she wrapped and bagged tiles. This continued non-stop for about 4 hours when we finally got a chance to get out of the booth and see the rest of the show and talk. I helped in the booth all three days and because it was an environment I was comfortable in I was much less nervous than I thought I’d be. At the end of the show I had to take the shuttle to the parking lot and Cindy was waiting with me. I finally got up the nerve to ask her for a kiss, and she told me that she didn’t really approve of public displays of affection and I told her that I didn’t either, but I still wanted a kiss so she made an exception. That was the sweetest kiss I ever had. I asked her if that meant I could call her my girlfriend and she said “Yes.” I was on cloud nine as I drove home.
    A couple of weeks later she called and told me she had called the Harvest Festival office and asked if there were any spots available in any other shows and they gave her one in the Ventura show. She told me she was going to have to do the show by herself and wondered if I might be able to go down there and help her. I had plenty of vacation time coming and made arrangements to take the time off. She picked me up at LAX and asked if I would drive. Not being familiar with the airport, I ended up going around two or three times before I found the proper exit to get on the 405. She had a cute sense of humor and said that with the booth and everything stuffed in her Vanagon, we probably looked like Ma and Pa Kettle Lost in the Airport!
    We finally got to Ventura and got the booth put together and started to hang tiles on the walls. It was getting to be the middle of the afternoon and Cindy suggested we take a break and check-in to the hotel. I agreed. We could finish the booth that evening if we needed. She checked us in and we went up to the room. I had been wondering all this time what to expect and had no clue. I figured it was probably a room with two queen-size beds… Cindy opened the door and there was a gigantic king-size bed in the middle of the room. I know I hesitated and my jaw practically hit the floor. She asked me if the room was OK, or did I want another room? I allowed as how it was fine, just not what I was expecting. That was the most wonderful weekend I have ever had.
    It was about a year-and-a-half later we got married, and while we had our ups and downs, there’s no question but that she was the “Love-of-My-Life.” A year-and-a-half ago I was diagnosed with stage IV prostate cancer and she thought she was going to lose me, It’s now in remission and I lost her instead. I miss her more than words can say. I just want to be with her. Taking care of her became my life over the last five years, and with her gone life has no meaning. I’m not a “believer,” but I hope I’m wrong. I’d like to be with her again.

  156. Mike  July 21, 2019 at 9:43 pm Reply

    I lost my wonderful wife, Cindy, the “Love-of-My-Life,” on April 4, 2019 to a very aggressive cancer, and am devastated, I can’t imagine life without her. We were married 26 years. We didn’t meet until we were 41, and our love story is a bit unusual. We were both Crafters, I made wooden “country” things and she was a ceramic tile artist. We had both been accepted to the 1985 Anaheim Harvest Festival. It was my second Harvest Festival and her first. On set-up day I had gotten to the Convention Center early and had my booth pretty well assembled and was working on pricing and hanging my products up. I had a wonderful location: a corner booth right in the middle of the hall. I caught movement out of the corner of my eye and turned to see “Just about the finest looking woman I had ever seen” walk past my booth, intent on finding her own booth location. A few minutes later she came back and walked over to me and introduced herself. I still to this day don’t know why. She told me several years later that she liked my booth design and my work and thought I looked like an “old pro” who knew what he was doing and decided to pick my brain since it was her first show in this venue. We talked for a few minutes and she left to get her booth set up. A little while later she came and asked if I had a hammer she could borrow and I did. She brought it back a bit later and we talked some more. She came back asking questions several times that day. There was definitely electricity in the air, and chemistry: pheromones, endorphins, hormones oozing out of us both. I fell in love with her. I couldn’t help it. And it just couldn’t be… I was married, and had two young children at home. I couldn’t allow myself to feel like that. I stuffed my feelings somewhere in my brain.
    The next day first thing in the morning just before the show opened she came and told me that she had someone helping her in her booth and since I was alone offered to come by once in a while and watch my booth so I could have a break. She charmed the daylights out of me. Every day she continued, insisting I needed to get out of my booth and she even made sure I had something to eat, that I would get low blood sugar if I didn’t. At the end of the show I thanked her for all her help and we said our goodbyes. I didn’t know if I’d ever see her again. When I got home I called the Harvest Festival office and inquired about any cancellations at any of their other shows and got a space at the Pomona show. Got to Pomona and learned Cindy was there too. She was setting her booth up and told me she had double-booked that weekend and wouldn’t be working the show herself, but had a couple of teacher friends that were going to be working her booth for her. I had booked myself a room at a motel near Pomona and went there and checked in after setting up. I saw
    Cindy in the parking lot of the motel and she told me she had booked her friends a room there too. She told me that they were going to have dinner at the motel’s coffee shop and asked me if I would like to join them, I told her I’d be delighted to accompany them. I don’t remember a thing about her friends, all my attention was on her. She gave them orders to “take care of Mike.” To make sure I had breaks several times a day and something to eat, and they did. She was still taking care of me although she wasn’t there. At show’s end as we were tearing down I told her how much I appreciated her friendship and hoped I’d see her again next year.
    I don’t remember which show I first found her at the second year, but she continued with giving me breaks, just as before. I didn’t understand why. I just thought she was being nice to a friend. For some reason I hadn’t told her I was married, and when it came up I could tell she was disappointed, but it didn’t stop her behavior. She kept taking care of me. I most remember the Long Beach show that year. Because of limited parking you had to tear your booth down and stack it in your space and go get a parking permit so you could park and load it. By coincidence, we ended up parked next to each other, loading our respective vehicles. Her mother was with her and as we were saying goodbye, I got really brave and asked Cindy for a big hug (I really wanted to kiss her). She gave me a wonderful hug and told me later when we were courting that she had always remembered that hug I conned her out of because she was looking over my shoulder at a beautiful harvest moon hanging right over the Queen Mary which is anchored in the harbor. The 450 mile drive home was one of the longest in my life.
    When I got home I was told I had to find a real job, no more shows. In late 1989 my then wife told me that after Christmas i had to move out. January 1 I moved into a rental that we owned. I had thought about Cindy many, many times over the intervening years wondering what she was doing. I had kept her business card for some reason, and she had told me what the date of her birthday was, and I resolved to send her a birthday card. But being the Big Chicken that I am, I waited until the following year to call her. I was scared half to death i would be rejected, but finally in early May of 1991 I found enough courage to make the phone call… her birthday was in late May and I had to do it if I was going to use the excuse of sending her a birthday card. She answered the phone and I told her who I was and asked her if she remembered me, and she replied that she did. I was practically tongue-tied and I remember blurting out that I was going through a divorce and just wanted to see how she was and what she was doing. She sensed my nervousness and took over the conversation and guided it along. She told me that she was in bed with the flu, but she was happy to hear from me. At some point she asked for my phone number and when we hung up I dashed out and bought the prettiest get-well card I could find and wrote something in it and mailed it that night. She wrote back thanking me for the card and telling me that she wasn’t going to let me off the hook for the promised birthday card.
    Well I found the most beautiful birthday card I could and sent it, also resolving to send her some flowers for her birthday. I had intended to just send a nice big mixed bouquet, but when I got to the florist’s I lost my mind and decided to send her a dozen red roses instead. That evening she called to thank me for the roses and told me when the florist drove down the driveway to deliver them she was standing in the middle of the dumpster jumping up and down to try and make room for the stuff she was throwing out of her studio to make more work space. We had a good laugh.
    A little more than a week later I found the most gorgeous box of oatmeal cookies on my doorstep. She let me think she had baked them for a couple of weeks, but then confessed she had bought them from a specialty bakery. A couple of weeks later she called and told me that she had just been accepted to the Gilroy Garlic Festival… wasn’t that somewhere up near me? She asked if I had the time maybe I could come down to the show and we could see each other, but if it didn’t work out… Of course, wild horses couldn’t have kept me out of Gilroy that weekend. I showed up in front of her booth the first thing the first day of the show. She was busy, there was quite a line in front of her booth. I got inside, and she had her mother, her older sister and two of her sister’s grandchildren with her, and nobody knew what they were doing. I looked at her and said “hi.” She replied “hi.” Then I asked her “would you like some help?” A minute later I was sitting next to her taking cash and writing credit card slips while she wrapped and bagged tiles. This continued non-stop for about 4 hours when we finally got a chance to get out of the booth and see the rest of the show and talk. I helped in the booth all three days and because it was an environment I was comfortable in I was much less nervous than I thought I’d be. At the end of the show I had to take the shuttle to the parking lot and Cindy was waiting with me. I finally got up the nerve to ask her for a kiss, and she told me that she didn’t really approve of public displays of affection and I told her that I didn’t either, but I still wanted a kiss so she made an exception. That was the sweetest kiss I ever had. I asked her if that meant I could call her my girlfriend and she said “Yes.” I was on cloud nine as I drove home.
    A couple of weeks later she called and told me she had called the Harvest Festival office and asked if there were any spots available in any other shows and they gave her one in the Ventura show. She told me she was going to have to do the show by herself and wondered if I might be able to go down there and help her. I had plenty of vacation time coming and made arrangements to take the time off. She picked me up at LAX and asked if I would drive. Not being familiar with the airport, I ended up going around two or three times before I found the proper exit to get on the 405. She had a cute sense of humor and said that with the booth and everything stuffed in her Vanagon, we probably looked like Ma and Pa Kettle Lost in the Airport!
    We finally got to Ventura and got the booth put together and started to hang tiles on the walls. It was getting to be the middle of the afternoon and Cindy suggested we take a break and check-in to the hotel. I agreed. We could finish the booth that evening if we needed. She checked us in and we went up to the room. I had been wondering all this time what to expect and had no clue. I figured it was probably a room with two queen-size beds… Cindy opened the door and there was a gigantic king-size bed in the middle of the room. I know I hesitated and my jaw practically hit the floor. She asked me if the room was OK, or did I want another room? I allowed as how it was fine, just not what I was expecting. That was the most wonderful weekend I have ever had.
    It was about a year-and-a-half later we got married, and while we had our ups and downs, there’s no question but that she was the “Love-of-My-Life.” A year-and-a-half ago I was diagnosed with stage IV prostate cancer and she thought she was going to lose me, It’s now in remission and I lost her instead. I miss her more than words can say. I just want to be with her. Taking care of her became my life over the last five years, and with her gone life has no meaning. I’m not a “believer,” but I hope I’m wrong. I’d like to be with her again.

    • Vanessa  August 19, 2019 at 3:24 am Reply

      I read your story. I lost my husband last year after 35 years of marriage. His death was unexpected but also expected just not then. I hate being alone and miss him so deeply. I have felt the same as you, not really wanting to be on this earth anymore. Anyhow I hope you start to feel better from your loss as everyday I wake up I try so hard to feel like I want to live and be happy but that light hasn’t turned on yet. Good luck in your healing from your loss.

  157. Virginia  July 13, 2019 at 6:34 am Reply

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  158. Virginia  July 13, 2019 at 6:34 am Reply

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  159. Virginia  July 13, 2019 at 6:34 am Reply

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  160. Virginia  July 13, 2019 at 6:33 am Reply

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  166. Tina  July 8, 2019 at 10:50 pm Reply

    My husband passed away April 24,2019 at 6:58pm.. He was the most precious man, this August would have been 26 yrs of marriage. We have 5 kids 4 grand kids he was 56 years old and diabetes has taken him away. I buried him on Friday and took his place walking our youngest child down the aisle the next day. It was the grace of God that Got us through that week. I have never been so lost in my life all I do is cry and I feel like I’m failing my children because they have also lost the love of their life, he was a wonderful father and grandfather and the world is turned upside down. I don’t know how to move forward. I don’t know I have to be there for them when all I want to do is bury myself. I lost my father a little over a year before my husband died and I thought that was just the worst thing ever but losing your partner best friend love of your life there’s just nothing that compares to that pain and emptiness. I know in time things will get better but right now that feels like an eternity away.

  167. Tina  July 8, 2019 at 10:50 pm Reply

    My husband passed away April 24,2019 at 6:58pm.. He was the most precious man, this August would have been 26 yrs of marriage. We have 5 kids 4 grand kids he was 56 years old and diabetes has taken him away. I buried him on Friday and took his place walking our youngest child down the aisle the next day. It was the grace of God that Got us through that week. I have never been so lost in my life all I do is cry and I feel like I’m failing my children because they have also lost the love of their life, he was a wonderful father and grandfather and the world is turned upside down. I don’t know how to move forward. I don’t know I have to be there for them when all I want to do is bury myself. I lost my father a little over a year before my husband died and I thought that was just the worst thing ever but losing your partner best friend love of your life there’s just nothing that compares to that pain and emptiness. I know in time things will get better but right now that feels like an eternity away.

  168. Tina  July 8, 2019 at 10:50 pm Reply

    My husband passed away April 24,2019 at 6:58pm.. He was the most precious man, this August would have been 26 yrs of marriage. We have 5 kids 4 grand kids he was 56 years old and diabetes has taken him away. I buried him on Friday and took his place walking our youngest child down the aisle the next day. It was the grace of God that Got us through that week. I have never been so lost in my life all I do is cry and I feel like I’m failing my children because they have also lost the love of their life, he was a wonderful father and grandfather and the world is turned upside down. I don’t know how to move forward. I don’t know I have to be there for them when all I want to do is bury myself. I lost my father a little over a year before my husband died and I thought that was just the worst thing ever but losing your partner best friend love of your life there’s just nothing that compares to that pain and emptiness. I know in time things will get better but right now that feels like an eternity away.

    • Amy  July 9, 2019 at 10:56 pm Reply

      Tina, I am so sorry for your terrible loss. My husband died at 66 on April 28, suddenly, of a heart attack. We would have been married 40 years in August. I know how you are feeling. This post felt really spot on to me and helped me see what I am going through is normal. Hope it helped you, too. I think we just have to experience the grief one day at a time. No other choice.

    • David  July 14, 2019 at 11:46 pm Reply

      Tina, my Fiance Amber passed away on june 1st after leaving my house instead of staying like normal. She died alone in the middle of the night because i was not there to save her. My world is also upside down. We had her funeral on our wedding day she was wearing her wedding dress i dont know why im replying nothing will fix it or bring her back but thats hard to accept. I wish you the best

      • Jay  November 10, 2019 at 10:25 pm

        David, I’m so sorry for your loss. I also lost the love of my life because I wasn’t there to save him. We had a complicated relationship because of his drug use, and at the end, I hadn’t spoken to him in 4 days and he was there, alone, collapsed on the floor, he was overdosing on Xanax and cocaine, probably waiting for me to come through the door, and I was too late. My life ended that day. Besides addiction, he was the most loving, kind perfect man for me and I don’t know why God has done this to us. We were so much more than addiction…I don’t do drugs and my love actually got clean for a few years and he was wonderful but the noise of jealous exes (both exes couldn’t deal with fact that we were each other’s first loves at age 14 and 17, and now at 40 and 43 found each other again and fell completely for each other again…he must have told everyone we met our love story, it was a great one) and brainwashed kids putting him and me down from both sides, even though he was clean and engaged with his kids better than he ever had been when using. Now his grown children are very kind to me) I had family & friends giving me advice not to stay with him….. I wish I would have told all of them to “f” off and just left with him to get clean again. He was the true love of my life and I feel like I let us both down by using tough love and not sticking with him..I wasn’t there to save him. Addiction is so complicated and evil that it can make both the addicted and the person who is straight make decisions that now make me question why God did this, why am I even here, cause I don’t want to be, without him. I have never felt so alone and confused about where I’m going from here. And it’s been almost 3 years. I’m sorry for everyone posting here. You are definitely not alone

  169. signshelovesyou  June 30, 2019 at 7:55 am Reply

    it is really heartbreaking whenever we hear such type of things, it can make anyone cry. Life completely leaves the suffering one shattered. I hope god bless them all and they all live a stable life after getting separated from their loved partner

  170. signshelovesyou  June 30, 2019 at 7:55 am Reply

    it is really heartbreaking whenever we hear such type of things, it can make anyone cry. Life completely leaves the suffering one shattered. I hope god bless them all and they all live a stable life after getting separated from their loved partner

  171. signshelovesyou  June 30, 2019 at 7:55 am Reply

    it is really heartbreaking whenever we hear such type of things, it can make anyone cry. Life completely leaves the suffering one shattered. I hope god bless them all and they all live a stable life after getting separated from their loved partner

  172. Stephanie Coker  June 29, 2019 at 8:13 pm Reply

    it is a great relief to be able to read all of your posts; it makes me feel a bit less alone. my husband, best friend, and father of our 2 young girls (aged 5 & 2), passed away at the age of 28 after a 10 month battle with glioblastoma multiforme IV. we were married for 7 wonderful years, & it was my greatest wish for us to watch our children grow up together, & for us to grow old together. i wouldn’t let anyone else take care of him during our fight; i wanted to keep my vows, “in sickness & in health”. i was determined that my husband would not be taken from the comfort of the home we enjoyed so much together. i did the very best i could- i took him to daily chemoradiation therapy, ensured that his opptune device was properly taken care of, & administered a host of medications on a precise timetable. i tried my best to get him to eat, or at least drink, but it became increasingly difficult as the tumor grew & invaded his spinal column. in the end, i changed his diapers & gave him sponge baths in bed, carefully making sure to turn him & massage his skin. despite our best efforts, we could not beat the disease. the tumour stole my love on the morning of 2/11/19. i woke to him having a final seizure next to me in our bed. i think i may have ptsd, because i keep seeing him dying over & over again- blood coming from his nose & mouth, trying desperately to administer cpr, but all to no avail.. i couldn’t enter his office for several months. i avoid places that we loved to go together with our kids. it hurts to leave our home, but it hurts to stay too because this is where i feel the closest to him. i feel frozen in grief & time. i know i have to find a way to deal with this, & i do the best i can to maintain normality for my poor children, but inside there is the constant howling scream of “why?”

  173. Stephanie Coker  June 29, 2019 at 8:13 pm Reply

    it is a great relief to be able to read all of your posts; it makes me feel a bit less alone. my husband, best friend, and father of our 2 young girls (aged 5 & 2), passed away at the age of 28 after a 10 month battle with glioblastoma multiforme IV. we were married for 7 wonderful years, & it was my greatest wish for us to watch our children grow up together, & for us to grow old together. i wouldn’t let anyone else take care of him during our fight; i wanted to keep my vows, “in sickness & in health”. i was determined that my husband would not be taken from the comfort of the home we enjoyed so much together. i did the very best i could- i took him to daily chemoradiation therapy, ensured that his opptune device was properly taken care of, & administered a host of medications on a precise timetable. i tried my best to get him to eat, or at least drink, but it became increasingly difficult as the tumor grew & invaded his spinal column. in the end, i changed his diapers & gave him sponge baths in bed, carefully making sure to turn him & massage his skin. despite our best efforts, we could not beat the disease. the tumour stole my love on the morning of 2/11/19. i woke to him having a final seizure next to me in our bed. i think i may have ptsd, because i keep seeing him dying over & over again- blood coming from his nose & mouth, trying desperately to administer cpr, but all to no avail.. i couldn’t enter his office for several months. i avoid places that we loved to go together with our kids. it hurts to leave our home, but it hurts to stay too because this is where i feel the closest to him. i feel frozen in grief & time. i know i have to find a way to deal with this, & i do the best i can to maintain normality for my poor children, but inside there is the constant howling scream of “why?”

  174. Stephanie Coker  June 29, 2019 at 8:13 pm Reply

    it is a great relief to be able to read all of your posts; it makes me feel a bit less alone. my husband, best friend, and father of our 2 young girls (aged 5 & 2), passed away at the age of 28 after a 10 month battle with glioblastoma multiforme IV. we were married for 7 wonderful years, & it was my greatest wish for us to watch our children grow up together, & for us to grow old together. i wouldn’t let anyone else take care of him during our fight; i wanted to keep my vows, “in sickness & in health”. i was determined that my husband would not be taken from the comfort of the home we enjoyed so much together. i did the very best i could- i took him to daily chemoradiation therapy, ensured that his opptune device was properly taken care of, & administered a host of medications on a precise timetable. i tried my best to get him to eat, or at least drink, but it became increasingly difficult as the tumor grew & invaded his spinal column. in the end, i changed his diapers & gave him sponge baths in bed, carefully making sure to turn him & massage his skin. despite our best efforts, we could not beat the disease. the tumour stole my love on the morning of 2/11/19. i woke to him having a final seizure next to me in our bed. i think i may have ptsd, because i keep seeing him dying over & over again- blood coming from his nose & mouth, trying desperately to administer cpr, but all to no avail.. i couldn’t enter his office for several months. i avoid places that we loved to go together with our kids. it hurts to leave our home, but it hurts to stay too because this is where i feel the closest to him. i feel frozen in grief & time. i know i have to find a way to deal with this, & i do the best i can to maintain normality for my poor children, but inside there is the constant howling scream of “why?”

    • Amy  July 9, 2019 at 11:01 pm Reply

      Stephanie, what a wonderful person you are. There is nothing to say to ease your grief. I hope you have people around you to help you through your pain. Life can be so unfair.

    • Denise Edwards  July 13, 2019 at 11:52 pm Reply

      Stephanie this made me cry. I am so sorry. I just cannot imagine what you went through and the pain. I hope God can soften the pain a little. Just isn’t fair that some people have to go through so much.

  175. Edward Sidle  June 27, 2019 at 8:12 pm Reply

    I really feel for each and everyone of you. I just lost my fiance on June 7th 2019. We had only been together since Feb 2019 but it felt like forever. It’s like we’ve known each other for so long. We had so many things in common. she treated me the best I’ve ever been treated, even though I was married for 10 years prior, I’ve never felt this way before. She showed me the kind of love ice always dreamed of. She had heart problems and she wasd getting her life back on track from the first day we met. She said she lived for me and wouldn’t be able to go on without me. Her parents said she has never been this way with anyone in get life that they know of. She had always stayed single and didn’t do relationships. She told me in the beginning that she didn’t say I Love you often nor was she a lovey dovey type of person. but she said I changed her quickly. She was the one saying I love you all the time and she wasd the one jumping on my lap when I got home from work hugging and kissing on me. She finally started taking care of her health abs taking her meds everyday. She was old fashioned abs said that since I was the one bringing home the bacon that she would be taking care of me. she wouldn’t even let me cook anything, that would lead to an argument. She got up at 4am to make me coffee and take me to work and would come see me on my 9am break, then bring me home cooked food at lunch, then pick me up after work. She did everything for me and I wasn’t used top that at all. I loved it so much, knowing there was true love out there. She was certainly my soulmate. She would jump on my lap everyday when I got home from work to hug and kiss me and she once day even fell asleep in my lap for two hours. It made me feel like I wad on top of the world. She knew how to cheer me up on my worst days. I bought her flowers weekly and she sold act like a kid at Christmas when she got them. She wad so grateful for everything I did for her, even the small shit. She made me feel the best I’ve ever felt in my life. But on her bday June 6 2019 she relapsed and died. I found her at 1250 am on June 7th and gave her cpr with no luck. EMS tied for 35min and said there was nothing more they could do. I literally thought about taking my own life and if I didn’t have kids, I would have. She was like a dream come true. She was what I considered, perfect for me!! We had just got engaged and just found out she was pregnant, as we were trying to have a baby before we got too old. Lol. I’ve always had crappy luck and anytime I get something good in life, it gets torn away. I know that I will never experience love like she gave me ever again. It was the most incredible feeling of my life. I’ve never been treated even half as good as she treated me and I know I never will. I love your and miss you pearl. You were the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I will never get to experience this type of love again!! It’s not possible cuz you made me feel like a completely different person in the best way ever. I will always live And cherish the way you treated me. RIP sweetheart

  176. Edward Sidle  June 27, 2019 at 8:12 pm Reply

    I really feel for each and everyone of you. I just lost my fiance on June 7th 2019. We had only been together since Feb 2019 but it felt like forever. It’s like we’ve known each other for so long. We had so many things in common. she treated me the best I’ve ever been treated, even though I was married for 10 years prior, I’ve never felt this way before. She showed me the kind of love ice always dreamed of. She had heart problems and she wasd getting her life back on track from the first day we met. She said she lived for me and wouldn’t be able to go on without me. Her parents said she has never been this way with anyone in get life that they know of. She had always stayed single and didn’t do relationships. She told me in the beginning that she didn’t say I Love you often nor was she a lovey dovey type of person. but she said I changed her quickly. She was the one saying I love you all the time and she wasd the one jumping on my lap when I got home from work hugging and kissing on me. She finally started taking care of her health abs taking her meds everyday. She was old fashioned abs said that since I was the one bringing home the bacon that she would be taking care of me. she wouldn’t even let me cook anything, that would lead to an argument. She got up at 4am to make me coffee and take me to work and would come see me on my 9am break, then bring me home cooked food at lunch, then pick me up after work. She did everything for me and I wasn’t used top that at all. I loved it so much, knowing there was true love out there. She was certainly my soulmate. She would jump on my lap everyday when I got home from work to hug and kiss me and she once day even fell asleep in my lap for two hours. It made me feel like I wad on top of the world. She knew how to cheer me up on my worst days. I bought her flowers weekly and she sold act like a kid at Christmas when she got them. She wad so grateful for everything I did for her, even the small shit. She made me feel the best I’ve ever felt in my life. But on her bday June 6 2019 she relapsed and died. I found her at 1250 am on June 7th and gave her cpr with no luck. EMS tied for 35min and said there was nothing more they could do. I literally thought about taking my own life and if I didn’t have kids, I would have. She was like a dream come true. She was what I considered, perfect for me!! We had just got engaged and just found out she was pregnant, as we were trying to have a baby before we got too old. Lol. I’ve always had crappy luck and anytime I get something good in life, it gets torn away. I know that I will never experience love like she gave me ever again. It was the most incredible feeling of my life. I’ve never been treated even half as good as she treated me and I know I never will. I love your and miss you pearl. You were the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I will never get to experience this type of love again!! It’s not possible cuz you made me feel like a completely different person in the best way ever. I will always live And cherish the way you treated me. RIP sweetheart

  177. Edward Sidle  June 27, 2019 at 8:12 pm Reply

    I really feel for each and everyone of you. I just lost my fiance on June 7th 2019. We had only been together since Feb 2019 but it felt like forever. It’s like we’ve known each other for so long. We had so many things in common. she treated me the best I’ve ever been treated, even though I was married for 10 years prior, I’ve never felt this way before. She showed me the kind of love ice always dreamed of. She had heart problems and she wasd getting her life back on track from the first day we met. She said she lived for me and wouldn’t be able to go on without me. Her parents said she has never been this way with anyone in get life that they know of. She had always stayed single and didn’t do relationships. She told me in the beginning that she didn’t say I Love you often nor was she a lovey dovey type of person. but she said I changed her quickly. She was the one saying I love you all the time and she wasd the one jumping on my lap when I got home from work hugging and kissing on me. She finally started taking care of her health abs taking her meds everyday. She was old fashioned abs said that since I was the one bringing home the bacon that she would be taking care of me. she wouldn’t even let me cook anything, that would lead to an argument. She got up at 4am to make me coffee and take me to work and would come see me on my 9am break, then bring me home cooked food at lunch, then pick me up after work. She did everything for me and I wasn’t used top that at all. I loved it so much, knowing there was true love out there. She was certainly my soulmate. She would jump on my lap everyday when I got home from work to hug and kiss me and she once day even fell asleep in my lap for two hours. It made me feel like I wad on top of the world. She knew how to cheer me up on my worst days. I bought her flowers weekly and she sold act like a kid at Christmas when she got them. She wad so grateful for everything I did for her, even the small shit. She made me feel the best I’ve ever felt in my life. But on her bday June 6 2019 she relapsed and died. I found her at 1250 am on June 7th and gave her cpr with no luck. EMS tied for 35min and said there was nothing more they could do. I literally thought about taking my own life and if I didn’t have kids, I would have. She was like a dream come true. She was what I considered, perfect for me!! We had just got engaged and just found out she was pregnant, as we were trying to have a baby before we got too old. Lol. I’ve always had crappy luck and anytime I get something good in life, it gets torn away. I know that I will never experience love like she gave me ever again. It was the most incredible feeling of my life. I’ve never been treated even half as good as she treated me and I know I never will. I love your and miss you pearl. You were the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I will never get to experience this type of love again!! It’s not possible cuz you made me feel like a completely different person in the best way ever. I will always live And cherish the way you treated me. RIP sweetheart

  178. Kaylie  June 23, 2019 at 3:33 pm Reply

    Im 19, And I Know A Lot Of You Have Been With Your Partners Or Significant Others For A Bundle Of Years, And I Cant Begin To Imagine How It Would Feel If I Had Been With My Boyfriend For So Long And Lost Him, All Of You Are So Strong.. My Boyfriend, 19 Years Old, Passed Away On May 5th, 2019. He Was In A Motorcycle Accident, A Car Pulled Out In Front Of Him.. I May Not Have Been With Darien For 10 Or Twenty Years But The Time We Did Have Was Enough To Show Me What True Love Is.. He Is My SoulMate I Know It.. He Never Gave Up On Me And He Always Tried So Hard For Me.. He Was My First Boyfriend, My First Kiss, My First For Everything.. No One Is Ever Going To Compare To Him, And No One Is Going To Love Me Like He Did.. The Day That He Passed We Went To Church That Morning And The Pastor Told A Story About Someone He Knew Who Died In a Motorcycle Accident After Church… And That’s What Happened To My Boyfriend, I’m Trying So Hard To Comprehend How This Happened But I Just Cant.. I’m Not Sure When I’m going To Go to church Again or If I Ever Will Be Able To But I know I Need God In My life .. I Just Have To Find Him. I Have Never Felt This Type Of Pain Before And Im Sorry That All of You Have Had To Endure Something Of The Sort.. I just wish I knew the answers ..

  179. Kaylie  June 23, 2019 at 3:33 pm Reply

    Im 19, And I Know A Lot Of You Have Been With Your Partners Or Significant Others For A Bundle Of Years, And I Cant Begin To Imagine How It Would Feel If I Had Been With My Boyfriend For So Long And Lost Him, All Of You Are So Strong.. My Boyfriend, 19 Years Old, Passed Away On May 5th, 2019. He Was In A Motorcycle Accident, A Car Pulled Out In Front Of Him.. I May Not Have Been With Darien For 10 Or Twenty Years But The Time We Did Have Was Enough To Show Me What True Love Is.. He Is My SoulMate I Know It.. He Never Gave Up On Me And He Always Tried So Hard For Me.. He Was My First Boyfriend, My First Kiss, My First For Everything.. No One Is Ever Going To Compare To Him, And No One Is Going To Love Me Like He Did.. The Day That He Passed We Went To Church That Morning And The Pastor Told A Story About Someone He Knew Who Died In a Motorcycle Accident After Church… And That’s What Happened To My Boyfriend, I’m Trying So Hard To Comprehend How This Happened But I Just Cant.. I’m Not Sure When I’m going To Go to church Again or If I Ever Will Be Able To But I know I Need God In My life .. I Just Have To Find Him. I Have Never Felt This Type Of Pain Before And Im Sorry That All of You Have Had To Endure Something Of The Sort.. I just wish I knew the answers ..

  180. Kaylie  June 23, 2019 at 3:33 pm Reply

    Im 19, And I Know A Lot Of You Have Been With Your Partners Or Significant Others For A Bundle Of Years, And I Cant Begin To Imagine How It Would Feel If I Had Been With My Boyfriend For So Long And Lost Him, All Of You Are So Strong.. My Boyfriend, 19 Years Old, Passed Away On May 5th, 2019. He Was In A Motorcycle Accident, A Car Pulled Out In Front Of Him.. I May Not Have Been With Darien For 10 Or Twenty Years But The Time We Did Have Was Enough To Show Me What True Love Is.. He Is My SoulMate I Know It.. He Never Gave Up On Me And He Always Tried So Hard For Me.. He Was My First Boyfriend, My First Kiss, My First For Everything.. No One Is Ever Going To Compare To Him, And No One Is Going To Love Me Like He Did.. The Day That He Passed We Went To Church That Morning And The Pastor Told A Story About Someone He Knew Who Died In a Motorcycle Accident After Church… And That’s What Happened To My Boyfriend, I’m Trying So Hard To Comprehend How This Happened But I Just Cant.. I’m Not Sure When I’m going To Go to church Again or If I Ever Will Be Able To But I know I Need God In My life .. I Just Have To Find Him. I Have Never Felt This Type Of Pain Before And Im Sorry That All of You Have Had To Endure Something Of The Sort.. I just wish I knew the answers ..

    • Bev  June 25, 2019 at 12:37 am Reply

      I lost my significant other of 30 years 2 years ago July 3rd 2017 I’m still grieving I can’t believe hes gone but I know he is. I feel as though he might walk in my house at any minute. I see trucks like his and that reminds me of him every day. I have his pictures in every Room I even had a shower curtain made with his and I picture on it. I love my man Charles so much and I know he loved me, but he wouldn’t let me help him. he never told me about his illness until the end. even though I knew he had cancer but He said he beat it and then he said stage 4 cancer of the liver 4 day before he died. I will never ever understand why he left me. I need someone I’m lonely all the time I think of him everyday I hate being around people with their significant others, husband’s or wives it hurts. I feel I will never get another partner. When he was here I never had to do anything to my car but put gas in it now I have to do everything take it to the shop see what’s wrong with it. pay to get it fixed.its just so hard. People always say it will get better but when is my better coming. I feel better when I go to the cemetery. I’m moved out of that state for months after he die because all I was doing was shutting myself off from people and I realize that. But I see myself doing it again always making an excuse not to go places. I’m 65 and can’t get another partner. Also the last conversation days in my head him telling me how much he loved me And wanted me to keep His building but I could do it. He died A-day before he was to sign it over to me. His lawyer told me he wanted me to have it and I feel good about that even though a judge appointed his children over his property. I need him Lord knows I do.

    • Bev  June 25, 2019 at 12:47 am Reply

      I lost my significant other of 30 years 2 years ago July 3rd 2017 I’m still grieving I can’t believe hes gone but I know he is. I feel as though he might walk in my house at any minute. I see trucks like his and that reminds me of him every day. I have his pictures in every Room I even had a shower curtain made with his and I picture on it. I love my man Charles so much and I know he loved me, but he wouldn’t let me help him. he never told me about his illness until the end. even though I knew he had cancer but He said he beat it and then he said stage 4 cancer of the liver 4 day before he died. I will never ever understand why he left me. I need someone I’m lonely all the time I think of him everyday I hate being around people with their significant others, husband’s or wives it hurts. I feel I will never get another partner. When he was here I never had to do anything to my car but put gas in it now I have to do everything take it to the shop see what’s wrong with it. pay to get it fixed.its just so hard. People always say it will get better but when is my better coming. I feel better when I go to the cemetery. I’m moved out of that state for months after he die because all I was doing was shutting myself off from people and I realize that. But I see myself doing it again always making an excuse not to go places. I’m 65 and can’t get another partner. Also the last conversation days in my head him telling me how much he loved me And wanted me to keep His building but I could do it. He died A-day before he was to sign it over to me. His lawyer told me he wanted me to have it and I feel good about that even though a judge appointed his children over his property. I need him Lord knows I do. Hearing the words Charles is gone. In my mind everyday I think of words he would say to me, words I would say to him, conversations, things we did together. I miss everything about him and no one understands.
      I’m trying to post not reply sorry

      • Charlotte. E Miller  October 15, 2019 at 4:44 pm

        So very sorry for your lose. I’m going through the same thing. It’s so hard and sad.

  181. Bianca  June 21, 2019 at 2:12 am Reply

    I lost my fiancé Bradley, at the age of 25 to cancer January 14, 2019. This words being typed out seems unreal to me. It took me some time to process everything and I thought I would be okay. I cry myself to sleep every night. I think about his love for everyone, and for the Lord and how much he made me a better person. Since I met him in High school when we were 17, he was my best friend and rock. There are days that I think I will want to get out there and meet a new person, then I think will there ever be anyone like him as caring, and lovely as he was. He dealt a very tough, diligent, and difficult battle and his organs and body had enough. I know he is watching me from up there. I miss you dearly and love you buddy ?

  182. Bianca  June 21, 2019 at 2:12 am Reply

    I lost my fiancé Bradley, at the age of 25 to cancer January 14, 2019. This words being typed out seems unreal to me. It took me some time to process everything and I thought I would be okay. I cry myself to sleep every night. I think about his love for everyone, and for the Lord and how much he made me a better person. Since I met him in High school when we were 17, he was my best friend and rock. There are days that I think I will want to get out there and meet a new person, then I think will there ever be anyone like him as caring, and lovely as he was. He dealt a very tough, diligent, and difficult battle and his organs and body had enough. I know he is watching me from up there. I miss you dearly and love you buddy ?

  183. Bianca  June 21, 2019 at 2:12 am Reply

    I lost my fiancé Bradley, at the age of 25 to cancer January 14, 2019. This words being typed out seems unreal to me. It took me some time to process everything and I thought I would be okay. I cry myself to sleep every night. I think about his love for everyone, and for the Lord and how much he made me a better person. Since I met him in High school when we were 17, he was my best friend and rock. There are days that I think I will want to get out there and meet a new person, then I think will there ever be anyone like him as caring, and lovely as he was. He dealt a very tough, diligent, and difficult battle and his organs and body had enough. I know he is watching me from up there. I miss you dearly and love you buddy 💗

  184. Dan  June 19, 2019 at 12:45 am Reply

    Buck please don’t give up. I too lost my wife at 38 but we still have a purpose. It has been 3 years for me but at times seems like yesterday. I feel and have felt exactly what you are. Please stay strong and know you are not alone in this. I hope you trust in God He is the only one I do and keeping close to Him I know I’ll be together with her again but as for now I will fulfill my time here as I hope you do too. This life is gone very quick

  185. Dan  June 19, 2019 at 12:45 am Reply

    Buck please don’t give up. I too lost my wife at 38 but we still have a purpose. It has been 3 years for me but at times seems like yesterday. I feel and have felt exactly what you are. Please stay strong and know you are not alone in this. I hope you trust in God He is the only one I do and keeping close to Him I know I’ll be together with her again but as for now I will fulfill my time here as I hope you do too. This life is gone very quick

  186. Dan  June 19, 2019 at 12:45 am Reply

    Buck please don’t give up. I too lost my wife at 38 but we still have a purpose. It has been 3 years for me but at times seems like yesterday. I feel and have felt exactly what you are. Please stay strong and know you are not alone in this. I hope you trust in God He is the only one I do and keeping close to Him I know I’ll be together with her again but as for now I will fulfill my time here as I hope you do too. This life is gone very quick

  187. Tom Larson  June 14, 2019 at 10:21 pm Reply

    “She did not make it.” Those are the terrible words that changed my life on April 3, 2019.
    My beloved wife of 30 years, Linda, died while having lunch with friends. She had a massive heart attack
    and is said to have died instantly. Supposedly in perfect health. Only 63 years old.
    We had been together 34 years and married for 30 years.
    Linda showed me how to love, live, be a parent,
    and in general be a better person.
    We did everything together. Everything I had ever achieved or accomplished was a result of her guidance, support and unwavering love.
    A little over a year ago, some other terrible
    words….It is cancer, Stage 4, Terminal. But that diagnosis was directed at me.
    Linda became my care giver as well and showed me how to be strong and beat cancer.
    Like others here have said she was my best friend, my advocate, yes my everything.
    This past week I was told my cancer was in remission
    but there was no joy in the message, as I sat alone with the doctor, Linda was gone,
    I cry each morning, I cry each nite, and most all the time in between.
    I certainly can’t see a future because the past won’t
    let me go.
    I miss her so much, it hurts and hurts and hurts.

  188. Tom Larson  June 14, 2019 at 10:21 pm Reply

    “She did not make it.” Those are the terrible words that changed my life on April 3, 2019.
    My beloved wife of 30 years, Linda, died while having lunch with friends. She had a massive heart attack
    and is said to have died instantly. Supposedly in perfect health. Only 63 years old.
    We had been together 34 years and married for 30 years.
    Linda showed me how to love, live, be a parent,
    and in general be a better person.
    We did everything together. Everything I had ever achieved or accomplished was a result of her guidance, support and unwavering love.
    A little over a year ago, some other terrible
    words….It is cancer, Stage 4, Terminal. But that diagnosis was directed at me.
    Linda became my care giver as well and showed me how to be strong and beat cancer.
    Like others here have said she was my best friend, my advocate, yes my everything.
    This past week I was told my cancer was in remission
    but there was no joy in the message, as I sat alone with the doctor, Linda was gone,
    I cry each morning, I cry each nite, and most all the time in between.
    I certainly can’t see a future because the past won’t
    let me go.
    I miss her so much, it hurts and hurts and hurts.

  189. Tom Larson  June 14, 2019 at 10:21 pm Reply

    “She did not make it.” Those are the terrible words that changed my life on April 3, 2019.
    My beloved wife of 30 years, Linda, died while having lunch with friends. She had a massive heart attack
    and is said to have died instantly. Supposedly in perfect health. Only 63 years old.
    We had been together 34 years and married for 30 years.
    Linda showed me how to love, live, be a parent,
    and in general be a better person.
    We did everything together. Everything I had ever achieved or accomplished was a result of her guidance, support and unwavering love.
    A little over a year ago, some other terrible
    words….It is cancer, Stage 4, Terminal. But that diagnosis was directed at me.
    Linda became my care giver as well and showed me how to be strong and beat cancer.
    Like others here have said she was my best friend, my advocate, yes my everything.
    This past week I was told my cancer was in remission
    but there was no joy in the message, as I sat alone with the doctor, Linda was gone,
    I cry each morning, I cry each nite, and most all the time in between.
    I certainly can’t see a future because the past won’t
    let me go.
    I miss her so much, it hurts and hurts and hurts.

    • Cathy  July 8, 2019 at 5:46 pm Reply

      Tom,

      My husband of 33 years past on May 26 I am just six weeks in and the pain is so deep. I have never had any emotions like this before depression, anxiety, fear, loneliness. I am overwhelmed with all the things that I now need to take care of in addition to trying to Integrate back into work on some level. I spent all of my time with my husband to the exclusion of others so I feel like going back to work even part time to be around people is my best option for right now even though I don’t have much energy or desire to do so. Quite frankly I just don’t want to live in a world without him but I am taking it one day at a time.

      Has anything gotten better for you since your wife passed away in April ?

      • Amy  July 9, 2019 at 11:18 pm

        Cathy, it’s been 10 weeks since my husband if almost 40 years died unexpectedly. I am back at my part time job and it helps. Also moved my son’s family into my home which thank God has brought real comfort. Do anything you feel will be good for you. The intense pain of the early weeks will lessen and you will feel that you will be OK again some day.

  190. Malia Moreno  June 7, 2019 at 1:59 am Reply

    My fiance died on May 3rd. We have been together since we were 18 and he was only 28. We have a 2 year old daughter that just turned 3 the end of May. It was an unexpected loss and it was so fast. We went to the hospital on April 30th for stomach pain and that same night he was in the ICU and the put on life support. The next day they were telling me he wasn’t going to make it. He suffered from acute pancreatitis and it ruptured and poisoned his body. His kidneys went first and then his liver, and lungs. He had an infection in his heart and by Friday afternoon he was brain dead. It was like a tornado that ripped through leaving him and our life in pieces. Leaving me here left with a shell of what our life once was. He was the primary care taker for our daughter since he was a stay at home dad. It’s crazy and still unbelievable. It doesn’t feel real yet, and I don’t know when it will but this is by far the hardest thing I’ve ever dealt with, and to be thrown into being a single parent is insane. We were supposed to be married June 22nd, but instead I buried him May 22nd. It’s hard to even fathom moving on one day. I am really sad for my daughter for not having her dad and being so young she is going to forget him, there is so much pressure to make sure that she doesn’t and even now that it has only been a month she is asking for him less but when she does she is begging me to take her to her daddy. My heart literally feels like it’s a gaping hole in my chest. I just hope it gets easier with time like everyone keeps saying. But man I miss everything about him.

  191. Malia Moreno  June 7, 2019 at 1:59 am Reply

    My fiance died on May 3rd. We have been together since we were 18 and he was only 28. We have a 2 year old daughter that just turned 3 the end of May. It was an unexpected loss and it was so fast. We went to the hospital on April 30th for stomach pain and that same night he was in the ICU and the put on life support. The next day they were telling me he wasn’t going to make it. He suffered from acute pancreatitis and it ruptured and poisoned his body. His kidneys went first and then his liver, and lungs. He had an infection in his heart and by Friday afternoon he was brain dead. It was like a tornado that ripped through leaving him and our life in pieces. Leaving me here left with a shell of what our life once was. He was the primary care taker for our daughter since he was a stay at home dad. It’s crazy and still unbelievable. It doesn’t feel real yet, and I don’t know when it will but this is by far the hardest thing I’ve ever dealt with, and to be thrown into being a single parent is insane. We were supposed to be married June 22nd, but instead I buried him May 22nd. It’s hard to even fathom moving on one day. I am really sad for my daughter for not having her dad and being so young she is going to forget him, there is so much pressure to make sure that she doesn’t and even now that it has only been a month she is asking for him less but when she does she is begging me to take her to her daddy. My heart literally feels like it’s a gaping hole in my chest. I just hope it gets easier with time like everyone keeps saying. But man I miss everything about him.

  192. Malia Moreno  June 7, 2019 at 1:59 am Reply

    My fiance died on May 3rd. We have been together since we were 18 and he was only 28. We have a 2 year old daughter that just turned 3 the end of May. It was an unexpected loss and it was so fast. We went to the hospital on April 30th for stomach pain and that same night he was in the ICU and the put on life support. The next day they were telling me he wasn’t going to make it. He suffered from acute pancreatitis and it ruptured and poisoned his body. His kidneys went first and then his liver, and lungs. He had an infection in his heart and by Friday afternoon he was brain dead. It was like a tornado that ripped through leaving him and our life in pieces. Leaving me here left with a shell of what our life once was. He was the primary care taker for our daughter since he was a stay at home dad. It’s crazy and still unbelievable. It doesn’t feel real yet, and I don’t know when it will but this is by far the hardest thing I’ve ever dealt with, and to be thrown into being a single parent is insane. We were supposed to be married June 22nd, but instead I buried him May 22nd. It’s hard to even fathom moving on one day. I am really sad for my daughter for not having her dad and being so young she is going to forget him, there is so much pressure to make sure that she doesn’t and even now that it has only been a month she is asking for him less but when she does she is begging me to take her to her daddy. My heart literally feels like it’s a gaping hole in my chest. I just hope it gets easier with time like everyone keeps saying. But man I miss everything about him.

    • Dan  June 19, 2019 at 12:32 am Reply

      Malia, I hope and pray you find the peace for you and your daughter. My wife passed 3 years ago at 38, as I lay here crying I miss her and the pain my two stepsons are dealing with. I came into their lives when the youngest was 5 and he’s now 21. You will always have moments as I am late one night so I found this site and read the stories of others, it helps that you know you’re not alone in this. Don’t give up on God , you are still here and He has purpose for you. Know that this life is but a short time and we will be reunited with our loved ones again. Hold onto that, I have and it does help

  193. Jennifer  May 29, 2019 at 12:16 pm Reply

    My husband died 05/06/19. Our 20th anniversary would have been in August. He was riding an ATV in the mountains with a friend. The mountains were his happy place. He had a massive heart attack. Died instantly. He was only 51 and in seemingly good health. I was given the news by a police chaplain late that night.
    I feel empty. We met on a blind date and knew instantly that we were meant to be together. I was his 3rd consecutive Jennifer. He believed that he had been looking for me… We had a magical relationship; perfect in every way.
    3 weeks before his death, I was in a terrible car accident. I could have died but survived with a broken sternum, 4 broken ribs and some internal swelling. I am still not healed from that. He took such good care of me those last few weeks, caring for me like I was a child, helping me in and out of slumber and in and out of the shower, drying me tenderly. My head rested so comfortably in the crook of his neck and I breathed as deeply as I could, so relaxed there, so safe. There will never be another man strong, secure and sensitive enough for me.
    A part of me wished I had died but I would not wish the loss of me on him. I am sad.. so broken hearted.. so alone.. but he is free. I am lost and so afraid that I will never be found again. I miss him so much.

  194. Jennifer  May 29, 2019 at 12:16 pm Reply

    My husband died 05/06/19. Our 20th anniversary would have been in August. He was riding an ATV in the mountains with a friend. The mountains were his happy place. He had a massive heart attack. Died instantly. He was only 51 and in seemingly good health. I was given the news by a police chaplain late that night.
    I feel empty. We met on a blind date and knew instantly that we were meant to be together. I was his 3rd consecutive Jennifer. He believed that he had been looking for me… We had a magical relationship; perfect in every way.
    3 weeks before his death, I was in a terrible car accident. I could have died but survived with a broken sternum, 4 broken ribs and some internal swelling. I am still not healed from that. He took such good care of me those last few weeks, caring for me like I was a child, helping me in and out of slumber and in and out of the shower, drying me tenderly. My head rested so comfortably in the crook of his neck and I breathed as deeply as I could, so relaxed there, so safe. There will never be another man strong, secure and sensitive enough for me.
    A part of me wished I had died but I would not wish the loss of me on him. I am sad.. so broken hearted.. so alone.. but he is free. I am lost and so afraid that I will never be found again. I miss him so much.

  195. Jennifer  May 29, 2019 at 12:16 pm Reply

    My husband died 05/06/19. Our 20th anniversary would have been in August. He was riding an ATV in the mountains with a friend. The mountains were his happy place. He had a massive heart attack. Died instantly. He was only 51 and in seemingly good health. I was given the news by a police chaplain late that night.
    I feel empty. We met on a blind date and knew instantly that we were meant to be together. I was his 3rd consecutive Jennifer. He believed that he had been looking for me… We had a magical relationship; perfect in every way.
    3 weeks before his death, I was in a terrible car accident. I could have died but survived with a broken sternum, 4 broken ribs and some internal swelling. I am still not healed from that. He took such good care of me those last few weeks, caring for me like I was a child, helping me in and out of slumber and in and out of the shower, drying me tenderly. My head rested so comfortably in the crook of his neck and I breathed as deeply as I could, so relaxed there, so safe. There will never be another man strong, secure and sensitive enough for me.
    A part of me wished I had died but I would not wish the loss of me on him. I am sad.. so broken hearted.. so alone.. but he is free. I am lost and so afraid that I will never be found again. I miss him so much.

    • Shaquala  June 20, 2019 at 5:26 am Reply

      Hello I’m praying for you. I found this site just now searching for help. My boyfriend was the best, so I feel your pain. He died a day after your love a massive heart attack as well. We will get through this it hurt my heart to see someone going through what I’m going through. He was only 32 and last behind 2 kids.

  196. Catherine Deal  May 24, 2019 at 5:50 pm Reply

    I watched my husbandbest friend die from a PE on 1/26/2018, I can tell you that time-being busy-working-friends-dogs-and therapy have not changed the reality of what I experienced that day. I saw our life and future taken from us. My perspective changed when I saw that and I realize how temporary this time on earth is.
    He used to talk about sitting in our garden holding hands enjoying it when we got old.
    Now I know that I will be in that garden alone. I will need to plant, weed , and water that garden without his help, advise, praise, or company.
    I thank God for the time that I had with him, I amazed that I still even plan for a garden.

  197. Catherine Deal  May 24, 2019 at 5:50 pm Reply

    I watched my husbandbest friend die from a PE on 1/26/2018, I can tell you that time-being busy-working-friends-dogs-and therapy have not changed the reality of what I experienced that day. I saw our life and future taken from us. My perspective changed when I saw that and I realize how temporary this time on earth is.
    He used to talk about sitting in our garden holding hands enjoying it when we got old.
    Now I know that I will be in that garden alone. I will need to plant, weed , and water that garden without his help, advise, praise, or company.
    I thank God for the time that I had with him, I amazed that I still even plan for a garden.

  198. Catherine Deal  May 24, 2019 at 5:50 pm Reply

    I watched my husband\best friend die from a PE on 1/26/2018, I can tell you that time-being busy-working-friends-dogs-and therapy have not changed the reality of what I experienced that day. I saw our life and future taken from us. My perspective changed when I saw that and I realize how temporary this time on earth is.
    He used to talk about sitting in our garden holding hands enjoying it when we got old.
    Now I know that I will be in that garden alone. I will need to plant, weed , and water that garden without his help, advise, praise, or company.
    I thank God for the time that I had with him, I amazed that I still even plan for a garden.

  199. Penny  May 15, 2019 at 4:06 am Reply

    It’s reassuring to know that I’m not the only one up all night staring at the clock. A million different things going through my mind. Single parent, provider, can I do this without him? I lost my best friend, my soulmate, my everything, Michael, 11 months ago and there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think of him and how angry I am that he left me and my 2 boys. He chose drugs over us. Started dating when I was 18. Engaged at 21. Married at 22yrs old for 23 years. I try to not get angry and just say it wasn’t him anymore, he wasn’t in the right frame of mind. But then I just think about it and get angry all over again because I feel so betrayed and lied to. After him always putting me first I was no longer the first in line. Tried everything but he wouldn’t give it up. I will now always feel like second bc I lost him to it. Aside from being so torn with my emotions, I miss him so damn much!!! I want him back!!!! My life now feels like something I never felt before. I’ve talked to Michael almost everyday since I was 10yrs old. (That’s when I met him). 35 years he’s been there whenever I needed him. No matter what I needed him for. He was ALWAYS there for me. I feel so lost and empty. The worst is that I’m the one who found him when he died and performed CPR but it was too late. So add guilt to my emotions now. Guilt that if I walked in an hour earlier I could have saved him. I’m just walking through this life now in a complete haze. My love is in a box, 6 feet under. I want him back!!! The man I knew before the drugs though. That’s the guy I want back…every single day!!!!!

  200. Penny  May 15, 2019 at 4:06 am Reply

    It’s reassuring to know that I’m not the only one up all night staring at the clock. A million different things going through my mind. Single parent, provider, can I do this without him? I lost my best friend, my soulmate, my everything, Michael, 11 months ago and there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think of him and how angry I am that he left me and my 2 boys. He chose drugs over us. Started dating when I was 18. Engaged at 21. Married at 22yrs old for 23 years. I try to not get angry and just say it wasn’t him anymore, he wasn’t in the right frame of mind. But then I just think about it and get angry all over again because I feel so betrayed and lied to. After him always putting me first I was no longer the first in line. Tried everything but he wouldn’t give it up. I will now always feel like second bc I lost him to it. Aside from being so torn with my emotions, I miss him so damn much!!! I want him back!!!! My life now feels like something I never felt before. I’ve talked to Michael almost everyday since I was 10yrs old. (That’s when I met him). 35 years he’s been there whenever I needed him. No matter what I needed him for. He was ALWAYS there for me. I feel so lost and empty. The worst is that I’m the one who found him when he died and performed CPR but it was too late. So add guilt to my emotions now. Guilt that if I walked in an hour earlier I could have saved him. I’m just walking through this life now in a complete haze. My love is in a box, 6 feet under. I want him back!!! The man I knew before the drugs though. That’s the guy I want back…every single day!!!!!

  201. Penny  May 15, 2019 at 4:06 am Reply

    It’s reassuring to know that I’m not the only one up all night staring at the clock. A million different things going through my mind. Single parent, provider, can I do this without him? I lost my best friend, my soulmate, my everything, Michael, 11 months ago and there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think of him and how angry I am that he left me and my 2 boys. He chose drugs over us. Started dating when I was 18. Engaged at 21. Married at 22yrs old for 23 years. I try to not get angry and just say it wasn’t him anymore, he wasn’t in the right frame of mind. But then I just think about it and get angry all over again because I feel so betrayed and lied to. After him always putting me first I was no longer the first in line. Tried everything but he wouldn’t give it up. I will now always feel like second bc I lost him to it. Aside from being so torn with my emotions, I miss him so damn much!!! I want him back!!!! My life now feels like something I never felt before. I’ve talked to Michael almost everyday since I was 10yrs old. (That’s when I met him). 35 years he’s been there whenever I needed him. No matter what I needed him for. He was ALWAYS there for me. I feel so lost and empty. The worst is that I’m the one who found him when he died and performed CPR but it was too late. So add guilt to my emotions now. Guilt that if I walked in an hour earlier I could have saved him. I’m just walking through this life now in a complete haze. My love is in a box, 6 feet under. I want him back!!! The man I knew before the drugs though. That’s the guy I want back…every single day!!!!!

    • Kathryn Small  June 5, 2019 at 12:46 pm Reply

      I am so very very sorry for your loss Penny. I too, lost my husband April 2018. It has been over a year and still I am telling myself it isn’t real. That Mike will come back. I want to be with him so bad. We were married 39 years. He was my soulmate, my best friend, my go to person for support, always there for me. I ask God everyday why did he take Mike from me? I can’t make myself believe it really happened. I feel like nothing of a person. So empty, missing him so badly. He was such a good man to me. We married when my son was 4 years old. Mike took up the job of child raising without pause. We were never to have children of our own. It may sound crazy, but I only live to take care of our 4 cats, and also to not cause sadness for my son. Other than that, I have no joy or any place on this earth for happiness. Drs. have me on so many anti-depressants, I feel overwhelmed with medication. Mike was everything to me; I would have died for him. And wish I had. I miss everything about him. I have no words on how to live after the death of someone you love deeply. Maybe someday I will. I am so sorry you are going through this, so sad for you. I hope you find comfort in your own way. Bless you.

      • Cathy  July 8, 2019 at 5:51 pm

        Katherine,

        Your post caught my attention I am feeling many of the things that you are I lost my husband May 26 of this year after being with him for 33 years no children no pets. I have never had any of the feelings I’m having now depression anxiety severe loneliness and fear I am seeing a therapist who is not that great and wants me to go on antidepressants but I’ve heard too many negative things. Has anything gotten better for you any insights you can give me ?

  202. Richard Cohen  May 14, 2019 at 7:59 am Reply

    I lost the absolute love of my life on the 25th of January at 10.25 am. She battled so hard against her cancer. I just can’t get over why she had to suffer so badly and why at 43 she had to go. These things particularly are seemingly insurmountable sorrows.

    She taught me about unconditional love between a man an woman. She just chuckled at my eccentricities and loved me. She never raised her voice to me ever. I would be with her for eternity if I could choose. Omg, it seems impossible to live without the best half of my soul gone.

  203. Richard Cohen  May 14, 2019 at 7:59 am Reply

    I lost the absolute love of my life on the 25th of January at 10.25 am. She battled so hard against her cancer. I just can’t get over why she had to suffer so badly and why at 43 she had to go. These things particularly are seemingly insurmountable sorrows.

    She taught me about unconditional love between a man an woman. She just chuckled at my eccentricities and loved me. She never raised her voice to me ever. I would be with her for eternity if I could choose. Omg, it seems impossible to live without the best half of my soul gone.

  204. Richard Cohen  May 14, 2019 at 7:59 am Reply

    I lost the absolute love of my life on the 25th of January at 10.25 am. She battled so hard against her cancer. I just can’t get over why she had to suffer so badly and why at 43 she had to go. These things particularly are seemingly insurmountable sorrows.

    She taught me about unconditional love between a man an woman. She just chuckled at my eccentricities and loved me. She never raised her voice to me ever. I would be with her for eternity if I could choose. Omg, it seems impossible to live without the best half of my soul gone.

    • Tammy  May 17, 2019 at 3:01 am Reply

      Wow read ur post and I’m going through the same thing so sad my late husband just turned 43 when he passed ur story seems like mine

    • Buck  May 19, 2019 at 11:25 pm Reply

      My wife of 38 years died all of the sudden without me her to hold her hand or say goodbye. I was away to help an elderly parent and came home and found her. You are the only one who has said that you lost half of your soul and I know exactly what you mean. The will to go on is gone. All I can hope for is death to come as soon as possible. There is no reason to keep going.

      • Renate Galgano  May 26, 2019 at 8:49 pm

        Going through a lot of the same things as you. My partner of 41 years suffered with cancer for 21 years. She lost her ability to speak , had a feeding tube , was on oxygen & never complained. When she died I died too. Her family hasn’t spoken to me since the funeral. I did everything for my partner & they only came around on her last days. She was loved by many & missed by many. My heart is broken, I don’t have the interest in staying here anymore. I did promise her I won’t take my life, but my heart is broken & I am so lonely. I feel like I’m trapped somewhere and can’t find my way… I go to the cemetery every day, write in a journal, I’ve been to grief counseling, it doesn’t matter…

      • Misty  August 5, 2019 at 11:32 pm

        Recently , without warning, my whole life has been shattered. On July 23 2019 he pulled out of our driveway ( on a mo-ped , he engineered himself by attaching a weed eater motor to a child’s stand up footing scooter) & into oncoming traffic. The girl who hit him (coincidently a long time friend ) said he didn’t even try slowing to stop. Pulled right into her path & there wasn’t anything she could do. It happened so fast.
        He was only 34 , my best friend , true love , my teamate, soulmate and the father of our beautiful baby girl . Only days after her 2nd Birthday. I was at work @ a gas station in a nearby community when I got the call . Located 13..7 miles from our home .
        I couldn’t get there fast enough.
        At maximum speed ,I screamed & cried begging God not to take him from me. Highway 61 south , already Reduced to one lane was backed up bumper to bumper for miles . I was stuck in traffic.. Somewhere close to 2 miles from home @ a stand still. I parked my car & preceeded to continue on foot. Still pleading w/ God. By the time I made it , out of breath , drenched in tears & sweat .
        Police officers were busy reinacting the incident. He was in an ambulance on his way to the hospital. No one knew the current state of his condition, or so they told me . When I finally arrived @ the hospital he was already gone.
        I was told he sustained massive amounts of trauma , & had already been pronounced dead . . His injuries so severe,that had he survived it wouldn’t have been a good life for him.
        The news Left me, our children & the rest of his family devastated. The next days after are a blur. I kept hoping I’d soon awake to find it was all just a really bad dream.

        He was the cross to my t’s & dot to my i’s. He completed me. I have never experienced the loss of someone so important in my life. I’d also never loved anyone the way I love him. Its so painful. We did everything together.
        He wasn’t the perfect man by far. Dont get me wrong..we had pur differences. Looking back, I regret all the precious time, we wasted bickering over nonsense. Aside from that, the thing is… I enjoyed being w/ Justin. He made me happy. He was an amazing stepfather to my 2 other girls. He worked very hard. He was a man’s man w/ rough hands *& holes in his Jean’s.. He could fix /build anything. Such an attractive & charming guy.
        We shared the same love for all types of music. And loved being outside, thrift stores & spending time with our kids. He was thoughtful , polite & not a day passed that he didnt tell me I was beautiful & that he loved me . He made me things ,& pick up gifts for all of us for no reason. I knew immediately when I met him. He was the one my heart so desired & I never wanted to live a day without him . We made an amazing team. Not to sound arrogant , but we were just a beautiful , dynamic couple ! He helped w/ the kids. Housework, homework you name it..
        Immedeately upon him moving in with us came hardships & tough times. It seemed like anything & everything that could prevent us from being together successfully was happening. .Several tools , 2 trailers & lots of other necessary equipment for his vfx type of work were stolen, leaving us broke w/ no resources to make a living . I was pregnant. Due to the above circumstances , we were forced to find new living arrangements immediately.
        We worked together , he worked very, Very hard preparing our mobile home to be moved .
        People said it couldn’t be done on such little budget & within such a small time frame..
        We did it !
        We Relocated , & now occupy about an acre of land behind my parents house @ the very back of their property .
        We lived almost 2 summers w/ out electricity or running water. It was tough but we did it. Its true, you dont understand the value of these every day luxuries like water, until you have carried every drop.
        During this time either of us could have went to stay w/ family & had these important daily needs restored . However, that meant leaving his side. There was just too many of us , our blended family was too large , to ask some one to put us all up . Neither of us could bare the thought of spending even just one night apart.
        His family, I believe would have tried to take us all in. They lived in Illinois, we in Missouri I couldn’t take my kids out of state due to court ordered visitin & shared custody with their father . Knowing that I would never leave my girls he didnt ever once even ask me to.
        Although impossible to put in words. I’ll never forget how it felt , laying in his arms.. When he held me every worry, ill thought, bad day, all just went away. When id snuggle up to him , my head on his chest , the 2 of us entertwined so comfortably, it was a perfect fit. This was where I belonged. I’m lost without him. He took care of so much in & around our home. Its not the same here without him. I’ve never wanted something so badly. To feel him, smell him, hold him touch him, hear his voice again. I so long for these things . If only I’d known our days were numbered. If only I… what was he doing ?, where was he going.? He was supposed to be coming to see me @ work… I’m driving myself crazy with these thoughts constantly racing in my head. I miss him terribly. Our baby girl ..His other children need him , my girls , his parents & grandparents. . I just keep waiting for him to come home. I look for him in crowds , @ stores & every night in my dreams. Until we meet again my body & soul will remain incomplete.

  205. Suzanne  April 29, 2019 at 2:49 am Reply

    My partner , best friend and soul mate took his own life om March 17. He died alone,. We were forced due to financial pressure of him not having a job and estranged wife of 2 years not agreeing to a settlement , to vacate a lease. We were living separately for a week before he died in temporary places. He seemed upbeat, we had rowed but were fixing things and were on good terms and still together . I am devastated. His estranged wife has taken revenge – claimed half our deposit, taken all our joint possessions. She stopped me seeing his body. She has airbrushed his life – the funeral was a joke of pretence. She ruined a tribute organising my his running friends . She is hounding me even now – not content that the pressure she put him under contributed to this. He had being drinking heavily for a while. i tried to help him.
    I cannot and don’t want to continue without the man I wish I met 20 years ago and was to spend the next 20 with. We were a great team – at everything. We were so insanely in love. he wanted the pretence of his marriage over – he said i made him realise what real love was – and he did same for me. We were robbed of our future. I gave him years he wouldnt have had as all his friends said how he should never have married the ex. She is proving what he always said she was . And wont stop till I go the same way.
    I dont know how I am meant to feel. Emptiness is all consuming. Will this pain ever stop? I wake up every day and want him to be there. Its so so dark. This is what they mean by love hurts.

  206. Suzanne  April 29, 2019 at 2:49 am Reply

    My partner , best friend and soul mate took his own life om March 17. He died alone,. We were forced due to financial pressure of him not having a job and estranged wife of 2 years not agreeing to a settlement , to vacate a lease. We were living separately for a week before he died in temporary places. He seemed upbeat, we had rowed but were fixing things and were on good terms and still together . I am devastated. His estranged wife has taken revenge – claimed half our deposit, taken all our joint possessions. She stopped me seeing his body. She has airbrushed his life – the funeral was a joke of pretence. She ruined a tribute organising my his running friends . She is hounding me even now – not content that the pressure she put him under contributed to this. He had being drinking heavily for a while. i tried to help him.
    I cannot and don’t want to continue without the man I wish I met 20 years ago and was to spend the next 20 with. We were a great team – at everything. We were so insanely in love. he wanted the pretence of his marriage over – he said i made him realise what real love was – and he did same for me. We were robbed of our future. I gave him years he wouldnt have had as all his friends said how he should never have married the ex. She is proving what he always said she was . And wont stop till I go the same way.
    I dont know how I am meant to feel. Emptiness is all consuming. Will this pain ever stop? I wake up every day and want him to be there. Its so so dark. This is what they mean by love hurts.

  207. Suzanne  April 29, 2019 at 2:49 am Reply

    My partner , best friend and soul mate took his own life om March 17. He died alone,. We were forced due to financial pressure of him not having a job and estranged wife of 2 years not agreeing to a settlement , to vacate a lease. We were living separately for a week before he died in temporary places. He seemed upbeat, we had rowed but were fixing things and were on good terms and still together . I am devastated. His estranged wife has taken revenge – claimed half our deposit, taken all our joint possessions. She stopped me seeing his body. She has airbrushed his life – the funeral was a joke of pretence. She ruined a tribute organising my his running friends . She is hounding me even now – not content that the pressure she put him under contributed to this. He had being drinking heavily for a while. i tried to help him.
    I cannot and don’t want to continue without the man I wish I met 20 years ago and was to spend the next 20 with. We were a great team – at everything. We were so insanely in love. he wanted the pretence of his marriage over – he said i made him realise what real love was – and he did same for me. We were robbed of our future. I gave him years he wouldnt have had as all his friends said how he should never have married the ex. She is proving what he always said she was . And wont stop till I go the same way.
    I dont know how I am meant to feel. Emptiness is all consuming. Will this pain ever stop? I wake up every day and want him to be there. Its so so dark. This is what they mean by love hurts.

    • Sne  July 15, 2019 at 5:37 pm Reply

      Suzanne

      Your post is hitting where it hurts most I’m wearing the same shoes as you my boyfriend took his life last week Tuesday 2019/07/09 the estranged ex wife to be and her ex husband were with him in the house, we promised to love each other till death and even after death we will continue to, ooh!! How I wish I can turn back the time we are true love birds I don’t know how to cope friends and family thanked me that at least he died a happy man because of me, however I feel so lost without him for the first time someone loved me the way I wanna be loved and I love him back just as much it was our 7th month but it felt like a lifetime 😭

  208. Kristy Marshall  April 28, 2019 at 4:44 am Reply

    On April 6th 2019 my beautiful husband came into my office and told me that he was going to take a ride on his motorcycle it was early in the afternoon and the weather was nice I barely paid attention I was in work mode we kissed I said see you in a little bit love you and he never came home and to say that I’m crushed just doesn’t seem like enough I’m destroyed we met when we were 15 in high school we had a brief little love affair at 17. We ended up marrying other people and divorcing those people 20 years later we got back together in 2008. We were engaged for five years we were waiting for our children to be old enough that they wouldn’t have to go through the whole step kids thing we got married in 2012 and we’ve always had like a Nicholas Sparks movie, romance the kind that everybody was jealous of and now I can’t breathe I’m so lonely I had to move I couldn’t stay in my house because I could see him everywhere so I just had to move away from the house that we built together and I’m just torn up every day and I just wish that I could go too I don’t want to be here and I can’t tell anybody that they’re all telling me how strong I am you’re the strongest person I know you’re going to make it through this and what they don’t understand is I don’t want to I don’t know how people do this I just don’t know I’m struggling just to be alive I don’t have any real for it I’m going to start Counseling on Monday I just can’t imagine it’s going to help me but I’m gonna try it we just had so many plans and we always did stuff together I talk to him on the way to work I’ll talk to him on the way home from work and now I just wake up and there’s nothing there’s nothing funerals over everybody’s going back to their lives because they have to I can’t stand to be in public I can’t stand to see couples touching each other or holding hands.

  209. Kristy Marshall  April 28, 2019 at 4:44 am Reply

    On April 6th 2019 my beautiful husband came into my office and told me that he was going to take a ride on his motorcycle it was early in the afternoon and the weather was nice I barely paid attention I was in work mode we kissed I said see you in a little bit love you and he never came home and to say that I’m crushed just doesn’t seem like enough I’m destroyed we met when we were 15 in high school we had a brief little love affair at 17. We ended up marrying other people and divorcing those people 20 years later we got back together in 2008. We were engaged for five years we were waiting for our children to be old enough that they wouldn’t have to go through the whole step kids thing we got married in 2012 and we’ve always had like a Nicholas Sparks movie, romance the kind that everybody was jealous of and now I can’t breathe I’m so lonely I had to move I couldn’t stay in my house because I could see him everywhere so I just had to move away from the house that we built together and I’m just torn up every day and I just wish that I could go too I don’t want to be here and I can’t tell anybody that they’re all telling me how strong I am you’re the strongest person I know you’re going to make it through this and what they don’t understand is I don’t want to I don’t know how people do this I just don’t know I’m struggling just to be alive I don’t have any real for it I’m going to start Counseling on Monday I just can’t imagine it’s going to help me but I’m gonna try it we just had so many plans and we always did stuff together I talk to him on the way to work I’ll talk to him on the way home from work and now I just wake up and there’s nothing there’s nothing funerals over everybody’s going back to their lives because they have to I can’t stand to be in public I can’t stand to see couples touching each other or holding hands.

  210. Kristy Marshall  April 28, 2019 at 4:44 am Reply

    On April 6th 2019 my beautiful husband came into my office and told me that he was going to take a ride on his motorcycle it was early in the afternoon and the weather was nice I barely paid attention I was in work mode we kissed I said see you in a little bit love you and he never came home and to say that I’m crushed just doesn’t seem like enough I’m destroyed we met when we were 15 in high school we had a brief little love affair at 17. We ended up marrying other people and divorcing those people 20 years later we got back together in 2008. We were engaged for five years we were waiting for our children to be old enough that they wouldn’t have to go through the whole step kids thing we got married in 2012 and we’ve always had like a Nicholas Sparks movie, romance the kind that everybody was jealous of and now I can’t breathe I’m so lonely I had to move I couldn’t stay in my house because I could see him everywhere so I just had to move away from the house that we built together and I’m just torn up every day and I just wish that I could go too I don’t want to be here and I can’t tell anybody that they’re all telling me how strong I am you’re the strongest person I know you’re going to make it through this and what they don’t understand is I don’t want to I don’t know how people do this I just don’t know I’m struggling just to be alive I don’t have any real for it I’m going to start Counseling on Monday I just can’t imagine it’s going to help me but I’m gonna try it we just had so many plans and we always did stuff together I talk to him on the way to work I’ll talk to him on the way home from work and now I just wake up and there’s nothing there’s nothing funerals over everybody’s going back to their lives because they have to I can’t stand to be in public I can’t stand to see couples touching each other or holding hands.

    • Dava kreider  May 5, 2019 at 8:23 pm Reply

      Hi Kristy,
      Your post hit home for me. Me and my fiancé dated briefly at 20 and separated and reconnected years later. We had that Nicholas Sparks relationship too. He made me so happy. Spoiled me rotten. Now he’s gone and my world is so empty. I don’t want to be here anymore either. If it wasn’t for my kids and my belief in God, I wouldn’t be. I just can’t imagine the REST of my life (that could be 40 years!) without him. I miss EVERYTHING. The pain and emptiness never leaves. I hate my life now. I keep reading how grief never goes away, you just get more used to it. What kind of life is that? I’m so heartbroken and I’m so sorry you are too…

    • Dana  May 5, 2019 at 8:29 pm Reply

      Hi Kristy,
      Your post hit home for me. Me and my fiancé dated briefly at 20 and separated and reconnected years later. We had that Nicholas Sparks relationship too. He made me so happy. Spoiled me rotten. Now he’s gone and my world is so empty. I don’t want to be here anymore either. If it wasn’t for my kids and my belief in God, I wouldn’t be. I just can’t imagine the REST of my life (that could be 40 years!) without him. I miss EVERYTHING. The pain and emptiness never leaves. I hate my life now. I keep reading how grief never goes away, you just get more used to it. What kind of life is that? I’m so heartbroken and I’m so sorry you are too…

    • Sissy Mertens  January 5, 2020 at 8:22 pm Reply

      I feel exactly the same way. I lost my boyfriend and people tell me I’m strong and that they could not do what I am doing… but they don’t understand that I think he is so lucky to be dead, to not feel any pain anymore. I know it is possible to survive but I don’t think I will ever LIVE again and that is not a life that I want. Our love was one that everyone else strived for as well, our connection was electric and we were inseparable. I refuse to believe I will never hear his voice again.