Grieving the Death of a Spouse or Significant Other

Understanding Grief / Understanding Grief : Eleanor Haley

Death, regardless of the details, is capable of devastating those it leaves behind.  Brother, sister, son, daughter, mother, or father – all losses are significant.  Although commonalities exist amongst people who have experienced a certain type of loss, individual grief is as unique as the person experiencing it and their relationship with the person who died.

While we are hesitant to categorize and careful not to compare, we do acknowledge that there’s merit in recognizing commonalities.  Shared experiences tell us, if nothing else, that we are not the only ones. And if other people have had struggles similar to our own, then maybe our grief isn’t as crazy as it sometimes seems.

Today we want to discuss some of the reasons why grieving the death of a spouse, fiancé, girlfriend, boyfriend, or significant other is difficult.  We aren’t going to tell you how to grieve these losses, because we don’t really believe ‘type’ of loss dictates a certain way of coping. However, we do know that these types of losses can present very specific barriers, stumbling blocks, and secondary losses.

Of note for people who don’t regularly read WYG: we have linked some of these to past posts which go much further in depth on the topic.  Also, we are going to use the term ‘partner’ and ‘significant other’ for the purposes of this article because they apply broadly, that’s our thought process and we’re sticking to it.  Thanks to our readers whose input went into writing this article.

 1. They were your best friend

We recently wrote a post about grieving the death of a best friend.  Afterwards many people commented that their partner was their best friend, which made their loss feel two-fold.

2. They were your go-to support person

Who was the first person you’d call when something happened?  It didn’t have to be a big something, like an emergency, it could have been a small something, like someone annoying you at work. For many of you, your significant other was the one person who knew how long to let you vent and how to calm you down.  In fact, there are times when you still pick up the phone to call them after a terrible day, only to be reminded that they are gone.

3. They provided you with unconditional love

Love may not be blind, but it is often very accepting.  Your partner may have been the one person knew how deeply flawed and crazy you were, but chose to love you anyway.  The world can feel dark when it seems like there is no one in it who will accept and love you for who you truly are.

4. They were the only person who really truly knew you

Perhaps your partner knew how you took your coffee and how you liked your eggs.  Maybe they knew your weaknesses and fears; where you came from; and what you’ve been through. It can be comforting to be ‘known’, but this kind of ‘knowing’ is not easy to come by and takes a long time to build.

5. They looked out for your needs and your well-being

Although they may have been selfish from time to time (who isn’t?), overall they probably thought of your needs and wanted you to be healthy and happy.  After having someone like this in your life, not having it can feel very scary and isolating.

6.  They were your source for physical intimacy and comfort

I’m not sure much needs to be said on this matter.  As a human you most likely crave some level of physical comfort.  It may be that you’re open to intimacy with someone new, but haven’t found anyone.  Or perhaps you long for intimacy, but can’t imagine that kind of closeness with anyone but your deceased loved one.

7. Your living space feels empty

You miss their mess, their snoring, their talking, their singing, and their TV blaring.  Your bed is half-empty when you go to bed at night, and again when you wake up in the morning.  Your home is incredibly lonely and way too quiet.

8. Logistics and secondary losses

After the death of a partner, there are endless logistical considerations like household chores, the loss of primary or secondary income, childcare, paying bills, paperwork, estates, dealing with their belongings, the loss of identity, and so on.  You can check out our post on secondary loss here.  Regardless of what you’re dealing with, trying to balance life after the death of a partner can come with a lot of responsibility and pressure.

9.  You feel pressure to do right by them

If you were your partner’s next-of-kin, the responsibility fell (falls) on you to make decisions on their behalf. Perhaps you knew what they wanted in terms of end-of-life care, funeral arrangements, estates, and belongings, but if not, you are left to guess. Hopefully, you have the support of your extended family, but in some instances it can feel like you’re fighting against everyone to do what’s right.  Sadly, guilt and regret over decisions made at the end of a person’s life can have an ongoing negative impact on your grief.

10.  You’re single again

A return to single status is hard for a hundred reasons.  To name a few, #’s 11, 12, 13 & 14.

11. You sometimes feel like a third wheel

Many people say they feel like a third wheel after the death of their partner, which can be awkward and alienating.

12. Pressure to start dating

People often push you to move on well before you’re ready

13.  Dating

How long have you been out of the dating pool?  Long enough to fear jumping back in?  Some people love dating…many do not. Although you may feel ready for a new relationship, you may simultaneously dread the thought of dating (we don’t blame you).

14. Your next relationship might not “get it”

We receive a lot of email from people who are dating while grieving and who are dating someone who is grieving.  Our anecdotal impression – it takes a special girlfriend/boyfriend to (1) understand death does not end a relationship, (2) allow the deceased’s memory into their life, and (3) understand that you can love a person in the present, while continuing to cherish a significant other who has died.

death of a spouse

15.  They were your co-parent

Parenting is hard; being a single parent is harder; being the single parent of grieving children is one of the hardest.  When your co-parent has died, all responsibility falls on you to keep your children safe, clothed and loved.  Parenting is difficult after a death for a hundred reasons, including #’s 16, 17,& 18.

16.  You have to watch your kids miss out

Every time a milestone happens – father/daughter dances; mother/daughter sleepovers; proms; weddings; drivers licenses – you have to live with the knowledge that your child’s excitement may be somewhat tempered by grief over the absence of one of their parents.

17.  You are the keeper of your loved one’s memory and family history

You may feel as though it’s your responsibility to keep your significant other’s memory alive in this world, especially for the sake of your children.  You are the link between your children and their deceased parent and so it is your job to help them stay connected.  This may feel like a lot of pressure, but it’s also a wonderful way to continue your bond with your loved one.

18.  You mourn all the things your significant other will miss out

You may grieve for everything your partner will miss (has missed) out on.  Special moments, having children, having grandbabies, retirement – these are things your significant other would have loved to experience.

19.  You mourn all the things you will miss out on now that your significant other is gone

After someone dies, it is normal to grieve the past as well as your hopes and dreams for the future.  Since your loved one has died, you will mourn for all the things you had dreamed of sharing with them.

20. Death is a threat to your identity

Are you a husband?  A wife?  A widow? A widower?  For so long your identity, in some way, was a reflection of your relationship with your significant other.  Now that you have to live on your own, without your partner, your identity may need to shift and change.

21.  You live with unresolved guilt and regret

It is common for people to feel guilt and regret about things that happened in their relationship with the deceased, even if these thing occurred years before the person died.  Perhaps you wish you had treated your partner better, perhaps they never forgave you for something, maybe you regret something you said, maybe you regret not saying enough, or maybe you feel guilty for the fact that you survived and they died.  The battlefield of love is fertile ground for the coulda’s, woulda’s, and shoulda’s that are typically seen in grief.

22.  Your relationship with their family and friends is changing

Sometimes, despite the best of intentions, people grow distant and they lose touch. There are a lot of caveats as to why this happens, but for the purposes of this post, it’s most important to acknowledge that in losing a significant other, sometimes your overall support system is cut in half.

23.  Special Days

You not only miss being able to spend special days with your significant other but now these days have become a minefield of reminders and grief triggers.

24.  You miss the thoughtful little things they used to do

Notes, oil changes, special dinners, birthday cakes, surprise lattes, gifts for no reason, compliments, inside jokes, letting you rest – whatever it was, it was unique to you and your loved one. Nothing can replace the joy they brought you.

25.  You miss the things that drove you crazy

To be honest, you also miss the things they did that drove you up a wall.

26.  Being on your own is hard

It’s hard to go from having a partner in life, to doing everything on your own.  It’s not that you can’t cope with life on your own, but you got used to the security and comfort of having someone at your side.

27.  You worry about being truly alone

You were supposed to grow old with your partner, and perhaps you worry that you will spend the rest of your life alone or lonely now that they have died.

28. You have to live the rest of your life without them

And without them, this feels like a really really long time.


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757 Comments on "Grieving the Death of a Spouse or Significant Other"

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  1. Sarah Eakle  October 15, 2021 at 6:12 am Reply

    My boyfriend of 12 years was found dead this last Tuesday. He was a long haul truck driver and he texted me all day everyday. I am the mother of his only child. She is 7. When I hadn’t heard from him in a couple days l, I knew something was wrong. I finally had to reach out to his employer to track down his rig. They was able to get ahold of the local police and he was found deceased in his truck. Autopsy results looks like he had a heart attack. He was only 41 years old. The amount of pain, the anxiety attacks are unbearable. He was my best friend. I knew if final wishes and what he wanted if he ever passed. Nothing in writing. His mother made the entire funeral arrangements. I tried to give input and she told me I was nothing and that she was the mother. I am in a battle to make sure my daughter is entitled to what her dad would have wanted her to have. He had been saving up for us to get land and move to the mountains of Montana. The worst feeling is I can not and have no say on how he is put to rest. I just keep praying. What’s done is done. I just feel like I have failed him on not being able to execute his final resting place.

  2. Sherri smith  October 10, 2021 at 4:26 pm Reply

    I lost my husband, love of my life, soul mate and best friend of 17 years together but also went to school together. He had colorectal cancer and was such an incredible fighter. He was amazing father figure to my 5 children and the loss for them is huge as well. We were all with him at my home and we held him through the grueling stages of death until he took his last breath. It was June 22 2021, my heart is shattered and I mostly feel lifeless.

  3. Stephanie  September 28, 2021 at 8:04 am Reply

    I just lost my boyfriend last month due to covid. Finding him was tragic and upsetting especially because he died alone. He was like a father to my almost 12 year old son since he was 5. Also left behind are his two older children. I haven’t gone back to work since his passing. I can’t sleep at all during the night only throughout the day. I feel so depressed. I talk to him and look at his pictures. I watch videos of him just so I can hear his voice and laughter. It’s so hard knowing I can no longer be in his presence, look into his eyes, feel him, smell him, hug him, or kiss his face. I miss my best friend and soul mate..he was home to me.. 💔💔💔💔😭😭😭😭

  4.  September 27, 2021 at 11:31 pm Reply

    I too just lost the love of my life on 8/16/21, we were together for 7 years, the day he passed I remember me getting mad with him and all he said was imma marry you, you’re gonna be my wife, he was my soulmate, my everything, we were together 24/7, he knew all my flaws and accepted everything about me and vice versa. Life will never be the same, I will never move on, love again or even look forward to dating again. I long for the day I close my eyes and I’m with him again for eternity this time. Life is nothing anymore, nothing to look forward to. He made me the woman I am today, I think him for changing my life, I would have given my life for his if I could’ve 😢 I miss you baby, and I love you. Come see me so I’ll atleast know you’re ok. That will bring a little peace to heart, I need it. 💔🙏🏾

  5. NINA  September 21, 2021 at 4:04 pm Reply

    I just lost my fiance on the 2nd of this month to covid and pneumonia. He passed away in our bedroom while I was sleep next to him. I am having a really hard time dealing with this. It hurts so bad some days I feel like I’m gonna lose my mind. I miss him so much he was my everything… This is so hard

  6. Dayle Maddison  September 10, 2021 at 10:33 am Reply

    I lost my wife just over 21 months ago, at the age of 48, she battled shortly with cancer for 9 months but sadly she just wasn’t strong enough. All the things in the list I have felt, I thought it was just me, we had been married 20 years but been together 30.
    I feel as if it’s pointless to try and enjoy anything I just don’t want to, I cannot ever imagine doing things without her she was my bf. My wife my lover the mothher of our 3 kids, she knew all my faults and I hers. No one else can do that if I ever meet someone else it won’t be her. It won’t be special it never can. I’m 52 ill not have 30years with anyone else, I wouldn’t want to, is it wrong that I still feel this way after nearly 2 years someone saw me the other day for the first time in many many years and asked if I had remarried it made me feel sick how could I just carry on without her.?

    • Litsa  September 14, 2021 at 8:43 am Reply

      Dayle, please know that there is no timeline to grief. Some people never date again after a loss, some date very quickly, others take many years before they are ready. There is no right or wrong. That said, please consider opening yourself to the possibility of being able to try to enjoy things in life again. It will never be the same without her – it may never be the way you want it to be, as it would have been with her, but that doesn’t mean you can’t find small moments of joy and gratitude without her

      • Obysion  October 29, 2021 at 11:46 am

        Yes… I am finding it so difficult to date or go into a new relationship after losing my girlfriend by July 20th, I want to give myself time because I know nothing will work out for now because she’s all over my body and I so much love her she also loved me truly… This can take some people years to find love again or date because they can’t be replaced anymore but that doesn’t mean you can find anything special from the new date or relationship. May God help us and console us.

  7. Beth  September 10, 2021 at 6:12 am Reply

    My husband, best friend, hero, (saved my life) kindest most selfless person passed away 8 weeks ago… July 18, 2021. I met him when I was 19. We were attached at the hip for 44 years. He was my musical partner as we played music together, he on guitar, me on piano. He was the best dad to our two daughters, now 39 and 37. He was our McGyver. He could and did fix anything and everything. He was the kindest person I’ve ever known, . He did everything for anyone who needed help. He took care of me and loved me like no other. We loved music.. we saw concert after concert. Discussed music , groups, artists…. Broadway shows… he was a self taught IT genius. After I wrote a song for our daughters wedding we recorded the song with the most wonderful guitar riff, then he created a video with pictures that we surprised our daughter and son in law at their wedding. He was always a phone call away for our daughters when they needed he clear and careful advice. He was a wonderful Poppy to two grandchildren who will only remember him in pictures and videos. I will miss my PC , my Paul for the rest of my life. I wish I was an old lady so I could be joining him soon. I feel as if a limb is missing from my body. I talk to him everyday, my nights are long, my bed is empty, I miss his hand to hold. He was sick for the past two years. I don’t miss that Paul. The pain was torture for us both. I’m blessed that he’s no longer in pain.. I miss my Paul, my PC, my sweet guitar playing man.

  8. Sidd  August 29, 2021 at 7:56 am Reply

    About two weeks ago, my dearest boyfriend of two years, Taylor, passed away suddenly in a car accident. He was 20 and just shy of his 21st birthday. God rest him.

    I feel the most tremendous pain that I have ever felt in my entire life. How can I go on without the one I spent most of my teenage years searching for? The one I chose to commit to. The one I fought through hell to be with?

    At 14 I lost my best friend. 15, I lost my first and only child. At 21 I lost another of my dearest friends in the world. I’m just 22 years old right now and yet another two of my closest friends both passed tragically. These were all things that I had learned to accept. Things that took years to overcome; some, I still am struggling with.

    However. Taylor. He is the one to break me. The love of my life and the sweetest man you would ever meet. The type of guy to go hungry for some stranger in the street. The person who would smile through adversity and kill with kindness.

    As a same-sex couple, we often came across a lot of bigotry; bigotry that Taylor would just ignore. I could not and I would usually get into fights or become annoyed, but not Taylor. He was way more mature than I’d ever be.

    What’s worse is that he was not out, and that his family are devout, borderline zealous, Muslims. Come the day he had to be claimed from the morgue, I could not see him. Nor could I be present at his funeral. I knew that he loved his mother more than anything, so I made the decision to stay away from the funeral to save his mother from ridicule and hardship; much to her dismay. She really wanted me there.

    If things couldn’t get any worse, New Zealand recently went into a full lock down due to COVID-19, that has barred travel to the capital for another two weeks. The pain of having to wait to see him plus all the grief from before is so heart wrenching that I fear I too may soon pass of heartache.

    I have only ever pondered the immediate situation. What has just happened. But after reading this article it has given me some advice as to what to expect moving forward. As my friends and family have not yet experienced this kind of loss, they could never fully empathise with me. I thank whoever wrote this from the bottom of my heart.

    • Litsa  August 30, 2021 at 2:52 pm Reply

      Sidd, I am so sorry for the immense losses you have experienced. Please know that there is support out there. A good grief therapist can be a tremendous support if you find yourself needing more than your friends and family can provide. Taylor sounds like he was an incredible person – thank you for sharing a bit about him with us here.

  9. Jo Lopez  August 21, 2021 at 8:32 am Reply

    I lost my husband of 44 years on August 6th , 2021 to Early Onset Alzheimer’s disease . He was only 65. I have lost the love of my life, best friend, and soul mate.
    My children have lost their dad , my young grandchildren will not remember their grandfather. I
    don’t know how to go on . I feel so hollow and empty inside . We were high school sweethearts , and I can’t imagine life without him. I was his only caregiver for several years as he battled Alzheimer’s , and work full time . I don’t want to return to work as nothing interests me anymore . I go through the motions of life, but don’t know how I can have any true happiness without my husband . I have my children and small grandchildren, but no longer have my love to share the day to day life with . Our home is so quiet and lonely now. I hope I can find the strength to go on. I guess it’s one minute, one hour, one day at a time , but time seems so endless and lonely . 💔

  10. Denise  August 17, 2021 at 1:49 am Reply

    Today 08/16/21 my daughters fiancé died from Covid
    He went into the hospital yesterday and seemed
    To be doing better last night and now he is gone
    Their wedding was going to be 09/17/21 they had been apart for 20 years and found each other again 16 months ago. My grandkids loved him so much he was so amazing
    I have no idea how she is going to get though this. Life can be so hard.

  11. Laura  July 26, 2021 at 9:03 am Reply

    My husband passed away 7/20/2021. On the day before, he told me he was not feeling well. He went to go lay down. I was in the kitchen just doing normal cleaning and thinking about what was for dinner. 30 minutes later my husband got out of bed to use the bathroom, then he went and laid back down. I went and was talking to our 14 year old daughter about when we could take her shopping for new school clothes and school supplies. I told her dad was not feeling too well and I needed to go check on him. I went to the bathroom first. When I went into the bathroom my world started turning. There was deep red blood in the toilet and on the floor. I immediately ran to our bedroom. My husband was just laying there. He looked very pale, very sick. I called 911. While the EMTs were on their way, I called his mother. He was taken to the hospital. When I finally got to the hospital I was told that the doctor and nurse was with him and theyd call me back to see him when they were ready. I was thinking hes getting the help he needs. I was thinking he was sitting up and doing much better. I had no idea my world was about to turn completely upside down. When I finally was able to see him. I had to do a double take. He was on a ventilator, he had tubes running everywhere. The doctor said when they had brought him in, he code blued for over 10 minutes, they brought him back. He code blued 2 more times. There was blood coming out of his bottom as well as his mouth. The doctor told me his kidneys were shutting down and they could not find where he was bleeding. They had to life flight him to an ICU 2 hours away. When I got to the 2nd hospital, he was on full maximum life support. The doctor told me there was no brain activity. The doctor told me that my husband had had a small ulcer in his stomach. The small ulcer had torn wide open, his liver stopped functioning and was backing up blood into his stomach, his kidneys completely shut down, because of the significant loss of blood his blood pressure dropped and which caused his heart to stop. What the doctor told me was basically something so small like a tiny stomach ulcer, which my husband did not know about, ended up being a train wreck inside his body and there was nothing nobody could do. I had to make the decision to pull him off life support. On 7/20/2021 at 9:28 am…my husband took his last breath. His mother, his family, and our daughter said their good byes. We were married for 20 years. He was my best friend, my soul mate. He was my everything.

    • joan houckham  August 23, 2021 at 4:03 am Reply

      Hello Laura

      your article stroke a cord with me immediately as my husband died suddenly on the 20th July 2021 also.

      I am so sorry you have lost your darling husband in this way, losing them is so hard no matter what the circumstances are, and it’s a complete mixture of emotions that are left with us to cope with.

      On monday (19th) I was watching Baptist on television with my husband Mike and he always had to explain the plot to me as we went along. We watched two episodes, having missed the first one, then he said he wanted to sleep, so I just said “ok night night” and went into my own bedroom and went asleep.

      I got up on the tuesday morning and sat downstairs with a coffee, fed the cat, let her out etc., and realised that Mike had not yet come down to join me. I gave him about 3/4 of an hour as I thought he must have had a bad nights sleep, then decided to go and wake him up, as he needed to get ready for his tuesday visit to the harbour where him and a team of volunteers were restoring an old tug boat and always met on tuesday mornings.

      As I entered his room and went over to him I had the shock of my life, he was blue and mottled colour and blood was coming out of his mouth, I knew instantly that he had died, and I just didnt know what to do, I walked form room to room and muttering to myself…oh no..oh no …then I phoned my daughter and things moved very quickly from that moment on that I can’t really remember the sequence of events. I can only assume he had died shortly after I left his bedroom and my guilt is, if I had gone back in for any reason, perhaps I could have saved him by doing cpr or calling an ambulance quickly. it was such a shock and an unexpected one too, how could he be here one minute and gone the next, i still can’t understand or accept that. He had to have a post mortem which said he died from Ischemic heart disease so I only hope it was quick and instant.

      How do I live my life alone and without the man I was partnered with for 50 years, who knew me inside out and accepted me for who i am. I miss him so much I just can’t see a way forward at the moment, even though I have a terrific network of family and good friends, it just isn’t the same is it? he too was my soul mate my friend my everything, so I totally understand how you are feeling right now.
      I send you lots of love and understanding.

    • Darryl  October 1, 2021 at 6:06 am Reply

      I feel much for you. I thought my life in the last few months were bad. I’m so sorry.

  12. Stacey  July 19, 2021 at 3:58 pm Reply

    I lost my fiancé on 6/11/21 and it still feels like a nightmare I can’t wake up from! I talked to him at 4:30 on the phone and he told me he was getting in the shower. When I got home a half hour later at 5 I found him blue in the shower. I tried to cpr on him until the ambulance came. They eventually got his heart beating again but by then it was to late the lack of oxygen was to long. After a week of being in the hospital on a ventilator I had to make the decision to let him go. I live with so much guilt of not finding him sooner. A half hour changed my life and took away the person I love most in the world! I see his face in that shower everyday! I don’t know how to cope with this.

    • Shannon fleury  July 24, 2021 at 2:57 am Reply

      My Ronnie passed away onfriday July 9th at 10:40am. I’m destroyed and shattered, he had breathing problems and he was trying to avoid steroids from the inhaler s l was trying to get these to him, on was on the phone to911 l was trying to get him and me dressed fro the ambulance. On the phone with 911 l was in the bedroom getting dressed l called out to him but no response l screamed and tried to revive him the paramedics came but my world is gone forever how dol go on

    • Debra  July 26, 2021 at 12:16 am Reply

      Our stories sound so much a like. My fiancé went into anaphylactic shock and couldn’t breathe on 03/202021. He was having issues breathing after his Covid shot. I went to the bathroom to take a shower, came back out less then 2 minutes later. He was laying face down on the bed and not breathing. I did CPR until the ambulance arrived. They got a heart beat and they brought life support devices to him. With stupid Covid they wouldn’t let me see him. Even in a private room with 4% brain activity. His family and I decided to shut off life support on 03/23/2021. He died of CO2 poisoning. I’m am struggling with life and it’s so hard to function everyday. The bargaining and anger is so real. The lonely ness is unbearable. Because we weren’t married I had no control over anything. Even with a family he hadn’t spoke to in 12 years. My condolences to you!

    • Bri  August 6, 2021 at 10:19 am Reply

      Our stories share a lot of similarities. My Fiancé passed 2 days ago. We were getting married in 2 months, on October 10th. We had everything planned and we were so excited to start our long, happy life together! Then he got sick. He tested positive for covid, and by the 5th day his lungs were completely ravaged by the virus. They finally let us see him in the hospital on the day he died. The sight of him laying in that bed with the tube down his throat, his face covered in bruises, and blood coming out of his nose and mouth is something that will haunt me for the rest of my life. He was in a coma. The nurse said he could still hear me but whether or not that’s true…I’ll never know. He was showing absolutely no response to stimuli so it didn’t really feel like he could understand my words to him. His heart stopped while we were in the room with him, and we watched as the team of doctors and nurses tried and tried and tried to bring him back but couldn’t. I can’t stop playing that scene over and over again in my head. He was truly my soulmate, and I feel so incredibly lost without him. We were so excited to start a family, and we didn’t even get to do that. I don’t even have a child to remember him by. This is the lonliest and most painful feeling in the world.

  13. Vanz  July 15, 2021 at 5:23 am Reply

    My boyfriend(22) , brother-in-law(34) , and niece (1) were involved in a head collision accident on April 02, 2021. My boyfriend was the passenger and he didn’t make it..
    The night the sheriff called to tell me my niece and brother-in-law was in the hospital and my boyfriend didn’t make it, died on scene, my knees dropped and I started crying to God for it to be a mistake, but in my heart I knew he was gone. On that day they left and I was mad cause I wanted my boyfriend to stay home with me. Before he left he tried to kiss our son and me, but I told him to close the door and just go. I always make sure he kisses us and tells us “see you later” before anyone one of us leaves just in case and the one day I reject it, was the last day I saw him. I regret it so much. I just turned 21 and my son had turned 3 months. My heart hurts. Im such an emotional detached person, I haven’t cried about it yet. I want to cry but there’s no point. Everyone says I’m handling my situation well, I don’t even know what that means. I still take care of my son with no help. I can’t be grieving and take care of my son at the same time. I knew my boyfriend for 13 years. All that gone, what the future we planned is gone, I have to start off from scratch by myself and it’s not only me I have to worry about, now I have to worry about another small human, it’s hard. What’s worst is my sister and brother-in-law act like nothing happened. I feel like they should be more appreciative about their daughter is still alive. My brother-in-law can’t remember anything from the accident. My niece loved my boyfriend she only ever listened to him and she saw the whole accident, she saw him die. She looks at his picture and says “car, he died..” she knows what happened but she is so young she can’t form the words to tell us. I know my brother-in-law was the driver, but I honestly can’t hate him, I was mad, I forgave him because I honestly just blame God. God is the only one who says when someone’s time is up, if God wanted him to live then my boyfriend could’ve easily survived that accident with minor injuries, but nope, God took him away. They say that things happen for a reason and God does things to make us come closer to him. After that, my heart felt so much pain, if God loves me then why would he do that and expect me to get closer to Him? All he did was push me away. It’s hard to forgive Him. Now, I question my faith in him, I don’t want that, but can’t help it, and my late boyfriend’s family is trying to take my son from me! Telling me that I can’t take care of my son without them!!! When my boyfriend was alive NONE of them wanted to come to our house to see their son or grandson! Only called to ask for money because they wanted to go casino. The whole reason we moved out from their house was because they only cared about themselves and wanted my boyfriend money. Now that he died, they trying to take my son so that they can claim whatever money from his estate. I have a bunch of things to take of, I don’t know where to start or what questions to even ask. The only thing that’s been keeping me going was having this mindset, “It Is What It Is, Fuck What It Was. THUG THAT SHIT OUT BABY. Better Days Are Coming.”
    I have no one to talk too, it’s been 3 month I need to say something it’s slowly eating me up inside. I don’t want that, I want to feel okay and mean it so I can continue on taking care of my son.

    • Maryann Merriman  July 17, 2021 at 3:08 am Reply

      I read your story of your loss of the love of your life. I am so sorry. I know everyone says that they are sorry for your loss. I know how you feel because it’s been a month today that I lost the love of my life. I also lost my faith in God. I hear the same ole thing theirs a reason God took him. His family are just concerned about what they can sell & how much money they can get their hands on. I just want him back, no money in this lifetime can compare to me having him. If you want to talk, I have a ear to listen. Of you need to scream to vent, I will listen. If you need to cry, I have a shoulder you can cry on
      I didn’t cry in the of anyone. I cried in the shower. My email is [CONTACT INFORMATION REMOVED] if you want to talk 💜

  14. mary Dickinson  July 11, 2021 at 9:26 pm Reply

    i Lost my husband April 15th due to cancer. He fought the cancer for 5 years and also had an acute stroke in 2007 which ended his teaching career, We were married for 40 years. I met him at 15 and we married when I was 19. I am 59. I have always worked and been a caretaker since 2007. 5 years ago he was diagnosed with Ocular Melanoma that metastasized to his liver, rare cancer, that was terminal. He was in the hospital with side effects to the immunotherapy treatment for 4 months. During covid. Unbelievable. i was able to stay with him the entire time due to his aphasia and had difficulty with communication since he had been so sick. He was my rock, my best friend, my hero, my Great Love. He was home on hospice for 3 1/2 months. My two adult sons and I was there when he took his last breathe. I am so lost. I have never lived alone. Its so strange to think this is how I will live the rest of my life. I am so heartbroken. I lost my job when I exhausted my FMLA but was planning to quit to care for him on hospice anyway. i have always been in control of things until he left. Don’t know how to move forward and feel just numb. my hope is that i wont be here much longer. Just dont think i could live like this very long without him. I would never take my life, Have grandhildren, but just don’t want to do this, Thank you for listening.

    • Samantha Gildersleeve  July 12, 2021 at 10:36 am Reply

      Just received your email about your loss of your husband.
      I lost my husband to cancer October 2019.
      We have a business together, which I am still doing.
      It was extremely tough when all shutdown and boys had to go online classes.
      I have 2 teenage boys.
      And it feels like I’m on a constant treadmill doing everything.
      Dave and I were married 25 years, the boys and I took care of him at the house.
      If you would like to talk sometime, let me know.

      I know exactly what you are going through.
      The first year its a fog with my brain. The 2 nd year is the hardest for me.
      I’ve gone to counseling, read books and talked with other who have lost spouses.
      David was my best friend, still feels strange every day.

    • Ileana  July 15, 2021 at 7:33 am Reply

      I recently lost my husband on June 25th. He was told his mitral valve was not leaking again as he had open heart surgery in 2012 for the valve replacement. His doctor read his echo incorrectly and told him his valves were good when in reality they were not. The valve leaking caused a blood clot in his heart. He had to have open heart surgery to remove the clot and fix the valve and after three weeks he passed away.
      I feel so lost and alone without him. I also feel like I can’t go out without them. He was everything to me. I can’t believe he’s not here any longer And never will be. I have children that are grown and they have kids. Everyone tells me I have to stay healthy for them. I kind of get sick and tired of people telling me it will get easier. I don’t wanna live without him. I look around the house and he’s missing, he’s not here. All I know how to do is feel like I have to find a way to get them back and I can’t. I don’t even want people around me. I just wanna be left alone and cry and think of him and try to imagine he’s here even though he’s not.
      I don’t understand how this all happened. I don’t understand how to move on And honestly I don’t want to.

      • Vickie Ireton  July 24, 2021 at 11:41 pm

        I lost my husband of 44 years on March 1, 2021. We met each other when I was 13 and he was 15 we just knew we were meant for each other and married when I turned 18. He was my everything. He went to tree doctor August 26 because he thought he hurt his back door g years work. 6 months and three days later he was gone, his back was full of cancer it even broke his back in three places and paralyzed him from the waist down. He couldn’t move but he could feel the pain. The loss is exactly what you describe, it’s so hard to wake up everyday, what is the point. Everything that mattered before doesn’t anymore . How do we go on without our partners are best friends? All I hear from friends is “be thankful he’s not suffering anymore”, “ it will get easier”, “ you have to keep going he would want that”. Has your pain gotten any better ? Have you found ways to cope? What is the meaning of life if this is how we spend the rest of ours ? Sorry, I am a widow grieving her husband also and looking for ??? I don’t even know what I am looking for.

  15.  June 29, 2021 at 9:49 pm Reply

    My husband died Jan 6 2021 I can’t let go I was with this man since I was 16 years old iam65 know I don’t no what to do I’ve never been with out him he was only man that I ever was with iam so scared I miss him so much I want him back I just want to die to be with him iam loseing everything. I’ve never had to work he always took care of me told me I didn’t have to work he were like one person we new each other in side and out how can I ever let another man touch me or sleep beside me I can’t do that I feel like I cheated on him what can I do I need help

  16. Dianne Vecchio  June 26, 2021 at 9:28 am Reply

    My husband of almost 35 years died on June 1 2021. I’m so sad and scared without him. He was my best friend, sometimes it felt like my only friend. I miss his strength and his humor (which is how we got though just about everything). I’m not considering suicide because it would crush our already heartbroken 3 adult children but I really don’t care if I live. I don’t sense him around me maybe if I did I could start to feel like he is better off even if I’m not.

    • Christine  June 28, 2021 at 7:26 pm Reply

      I’m sorry for your lost as well I was with my ex for 15 years he was Murdered May 1 2020 so I know exactly what your going through I’m so lost I’m so frustrated I don’t know what to do without my best friend prayers for you as well.

    • Laura  July 26, 2021 at 1:48 pm Reply

      I am so sorry for your loss. I’m going through same unimaginable pain. I shared my story this morning. My husband was my best friend of 20 years. We have a 14 year old daughter he absolutely adored. That day has been the worst day of my life. The worst. The house feels so empty and I find myself still talking to him. I’m praying for you. Hugs.

  17. Keila  June 26, 2021 at 4:19 am Reply

    Hi I’m keila I loss my kids father of 2 boys on may 10, 2021 at Duke university hospital it hurts because one minute you get a happy Mother’s Day message from him and the next day he’s gone i couldn’t be there because I had to work til this day we don’t know what happened we just know he was on the bathroom floor cold when they tried to revive him…I’m still shocked I call his phone it goes to voicemail but sometimes it rings I’m hoping he can send me a sign whenever I can I go to the grave site hoping that helps I’m just emotional 😭

  18. Georgie  June 23, 2021 at 11:40 am Reply

    I am 29 years old and 36 weeks pregnant, and I lost my partner and unborn daughters dad on the 18th April this year, I was 26 weeks pregnant, I am heartbroken, he was killed in a car crash down a road from our home along with 2

    • Kristina  August 17, 2021 at 7:42 am Reply

      I know the pain =( I recently just lost my fiancé August 6th, 2021 he was only 25 due to an enlarged heart and sudden heart attack. I am 30 expecting a baby. I found out I was 5 weeks pregnant a few days ago. I miss him so much I’m not sure how to cope with this.

  19. Yvette  June 22, 2021 at 1:58 pm Reply

    My boyfriend of 35 years passed away on April 12.
    I hadn’t seen him for nearly 30 years when distance separated us.
    I’d actually met and married the (2nd) love of my life 27.5 years ago.
    My marriage had been somewhat shaky for a while when my relationship with “J” was rekindled on March 8 of this year.

    We spoke daily and I was planning to move in with “J” this summer (next month). Because he’s in another country we couldn’t be together until I obtained a passport (ugh).

    On April 12, he was tired…and we were having a video chat when suddenly the screen went dark.
    I asked if he could hear me, twice. Both times he said yes, but his voice seemed distant.
    I then assumed he’d fallen asleep… but something seemed “off”.
    I learned the next day, he’d passed away.
    They said “natural causes”.
    My heart was broken.
    We were finally going to have a 2nd chance to be with each other.
    I know I’m healing but this grief has changed me.
    “J” was my first real love, and I believe I was his as well …he told me often that I was the love of his life.
    I just miss him so much and my heart physically hurts.

  20. Yaz  June 16, 2021 at 3:14 pm Reply

    I lost my husband of 27 years to Covid 19. It’s been almost 6 months since he passed away and I’m still lost. I was 16 years old when we met, 17 we got married. He was 23 years old. Through all our ups and downs, we loved each other and we were best friends. I was in an accident a few days ago and while sitting at the scene overwhelmed with all the sirens, the policeman asked me to call a family member and through my tears all i could say was i have no one, my husband is gone. I can clearly feel my heart hurting, like really hurting. I realised he is gone, he would’ve known how to calm me, what to say, what to do. I wanted him there, no one else. I have 4 sons, 2 are teenagers and they were all close to their dad. There is so much of him still around and so much firsts to get through. It’s hard, really but my faith is strong and trust in the Almighty to help me through this.
    I am so lost, so lost and my heart hurts. No one will ever know that hurt if they have never lost their life partner. Every loss hurts differently. I lost a parent and parent in law and other family members and that a different grief but shoo my spouse was my other half in so many ways. And now i have to learn after 27 years how to be alone and just one whole person on my own. I was so young when we met, how do i do this, where do i start……

  21. TLC  May 19, 2021 at 1:15 pm Reply

    Hello, I lost my girlfriend back in October 2020, 3 days after her 69th birthday. We were together for approx. 17 years and were friends for a number of years prior. We were both married twice before so we just decided to keep our relationship the way it was even after we decided to move in together Sept. 2009.
    She was 8 years older than myself, she always ate healthy, did yoga on a daily basis, non-smoker. She worked as a massages therapist and she had many clients who loved her work. All of a sudden she started to eat, and she started to lose weight and she started to feel weak over a short period. Besides catching a cold, she never got sick over the years I’ve known her. She had holistic believes and always told me and everyone that she will heal herself when anything is wrong with her.
    He ended up picking her up and taking her to a nearby urgent care after she refused to go see a doctor over several months. She ended up getting admitted and it was so devastating when the doctors said she had ovarian cancer. After a week of them clearing up sepsis because from blocked urinary tract caused by the tumor they found, she was sent home on hospice care. Since the tumor was too big and because she had lost so much weight and wouldn’t eat, the doctor said the treatment would do even more harm.
    After she passed away it took me a while to really believe it has happened. I just never figured anything like this would happen to her because of her lifestyle. Her mission in life was to heal people. For herself she did everything you can imagine to prevent of cancer. She didn’t believe in western medicine, only took various kinds of herbs and vitamins. When I look and think back, I she had at least gotten a yearly well checkup. I am a lot better, can at least sleep but I still have depressing moments… I have read comments and stories from others. This is not easy to deal with, so I can relate to many stories. My heart is still shattered to pieces… I’m just trying to live life without her… No matter what, she will always be in my thoughts and a part of me.

  22. Debbie  May 11, 2021 at 8:11 pm Reply

    I am struggling to get over the loss of my boyfriend. He died April 1,2012, (which was him birthday). I didn’t get to tell him happy birthday either. We had a hard time because he was my x-husbands cousin. We had to keep it a secret when we first started going out. We were together for 3-4 years. I truly loved him with all my heart. We had some rough times and challenges because of the situation. We spent a lot of time together. My family wasn’t fond of us dating, but they accepted him. He had recently started going to my family functions with me, it was amazing. I wanted him to move in with me and make a commitment to each other, but, we didn’t make it to do that. He went to the hospital and was there for 18 days and kept getting worse. They sent him to another hospital, he was there 2 days and died. I didn’t even get to tell him good bye. I miss him so much. I want him to come back, and I know that’s never going to happen. I just want him to tell me one last time that he loves me. I am so sad and lost without him. Please give me hope that things will get better.

    • Barbara  June 17, 2021 at 5:29 pm Reply

      Your life will be different from now on ,and some days more difficult than others . It is ok to feel sadness. Journal- it helped me immensely and by doing so you will see your growth in a different but healthy way.

  23. Hurt+lost  April 12, 2021 at 11:40 pm Reply

    My girlfriend died April 16, 2020. I can’t get past her death, every little thing reminds me of her. Every day I dread waking up, knowing that she won’t be there, and I dread going to bed, knowing that I will on re-live her death. Every night, I hear her screams, her sobs…I can’t take it anymore. I love her, I still do, but I don’t know what to do. I’m lost, the last year has been hell. I miss her. I miss everything…her smile, her laugh, the way….I could go on. I don’t know. It hurts. I love her. I was going to ask her to marry me…then she died. I can’t stop wondering about what could’ve been. I don’t know where to go, what do to….everything hurts

  24. anissa  April 6, 2021 at 9:42 pm Reply

    I lost my boyfriend on 6-15-19. I never knew that his time would come this fast. I met him when I was a late teenager, and he was quite a bit older than me, (died at age 40), but we never let age affect our relationship because we loved each other and we were happy with each other so that was all that mattered. We were together for 2 and a half years. The strange thing is is that we met on an online dating site, which may appal some of you, but he was 100% the real deal, tall, handsome, blue-eyed, gravelly, yet soothing voice with a southern accent. We were 430 miles away, but even though our relationship was online and long distance, we still managed to make it work for 2.5 good solid years. He was my world, and I, his. We’ve talked on the phone countless times, I loved him so much, I still do. He passed from an accidental overdose because he needed to take many prescription meds for his mental health and physical health since he’s been in many accidents. His weak body couldn’t take it. What was even weirder was that he had this notion that he was going to die soon, and he’s had this feeling for a while but I denied it because i did not want to agree with him on that and told him he’s going to live for a long time. We even talked on the subject of marriage a couple of times. He was a white man, who didn’t have a strong faith in God, and I am a Muslim whose parents are from Pakistan. Because of that, he’s been nothing but completely respectful, kind, compassionate, understanding, and loyal to me. After he died, i thought i could never find another man like him. I am single right now, and not really looking for anyone at this moment. I hid my relationship with him from my family because I did not want them to react negatively about it, which would end up not letting me talk to him. A day before he passed, I finally opened up to my sister about him and then i told him that i did that. She’s been nothing but understanding and open about it, but wished that i didn’t have to carry that burden on me for so long and told her sooner. i told her about his death and she’s been my support system for that. His friends and family that i contacted with after his death have all been support systems for me, so it was easier grieving. I miss him so much and i love him so much, and it gives me peace knowing he is in a happier, painless place.

  25. Aneesha  April 5, 2021 at 7:40 pm Reply

    I lost my boyfriend on 6-15-19. I never knew that his time would come this fast. I met him when I was a late teenager, and he was quite a bit older than me, (died at age 40), but we never let age affect our relationship because we loved each other and we were happy with each other so that was all that mattered. We were together for 2 and a half years. The strange thing is is that we met on an online dating site, which may appal some of you, but he was 100% the real deal, tall, handsome, blue-eyed, gravelly, yet soothing voice with a southern accent. We were 430 miles away, but even though our relationship was online and long distance, we still managed to make it work for 2.5 good solid years. He was my world, and I, his. We’ve talked on the phone countless times, I loved him so much, I still do. He passed from an accidental overdose because he needed to take many prescription meds for his mental health and physical health since he’s been in many accidents. His weak body couldn’t take it. What was even weirder was that he had this notion that he was going to die soon, and he’s had this feeling for a while but I denied it because i did not want to agree with him on that and told him he’s going to live for a long time. We even talked on the subject of marriage a couple of times. He was a white man, who didn’t have a strong faith in God, and I am a Muslim whose parents are from Pakistan. Because of that, he’s been nothing but completely respectful, kind, compassionate, understanding, and loyal to me. After he died, i thought i could never find another man like him. I am single right now, and not really looking for anyone at this moment. I hid my relationship with him from my family because I did not want them to react negatively about it, which would end up not letting me talk to him. A day before he passed, I finally opened up to my sister about him and then i told him that i did that. She’s been nothing but understanding and open about it, but wished that i didn’t have to carry that burden on me for so long and told her sooner. i told her about his death and she’s been my support system for that. His friends and family that i contacted with after his death have all been support systems for me, so it was easier grieving. I miss him so much and i love him so much, and it gives me peace knowing he is in a happier, painless place.

  26. Tammy  March 23, 2021 at 11:09 am Reply

    As I began to write this comment, tears began to fall…I met Jonathan a year ago, ( March 2020 )
    before the COVID lockdown and he died suddenly on March 6, 2021 at the age of 53…The year we had together was packed with so much adventurous trips and things that we did together… I know he was the one for me…We both were retired from the Army, so I figured that we had whole life ahead of us, but I was wrong…People say think of the good times and memories that you have of him… I guess that’s what making this so hard, because I want more of those good times…I’m so glad he introduced me to his mother, she’s been real supportive, like calling or texting to make sure I’m doing ok…Because when you are the girlfriend, you don’t have too much say so into things…I probably would go crazy without her…He took me on my first camping trip and we planning another one during week of his birthday, which is March 30th…We had so many plans for the future…One day, I’m the happiest person in the world and the next day, I’m the saddest….This has been the hardest 2 weeks of my life…I’m so loss and hurt, right now…

    • P559  April 7, 2021 at 12:52 am Reply

      I’m on the same boat in a way. .. I know exactly how you feel. I miss my man so much. .. it’s almost going to be a year that he’s been gone.

  27. KH  March 18, 2021 at 11:29 pm Reply

    I am 34 years old. I can barely describe anything else about myself right now, because I feel so completely lost.
    My boyfriend of 5 years passed away suddenly 3 weeks ago, from COVID-19.
    We went through some of the biggest challenges life can throw at a person,- both individually & as a couple, during the past 5 years…as a result, establishing a connection stronger than I ever have experienced with another human being.
    He was my best friend. Other half. My everything. He knew me better than I know myself.

    We spoke on the phone briefly the night before he was rushed to the hospital, when he apologized for not texting or calling me back as much that day, as he was just so exhausted/not feeling well. I told him to get some rest, drink some water, & text me as soon as he woke up. I sent him affirmations to say about feeling healthy & getting better each day. I sent him our favorite Winnie the Pooh quote “even when we’re apart, I’ll always be with you”….
    He knew I couldn’t stay at the apartment to care for him & had to quarantine away from him, to not risk my disabled grandmother who I take care of. I think he didn’t tell me just how bad he was feeling, because he knew then I would never stay away if I knew. I know he down played it, on purpose. To protect me. And my grandmother.

    We never got to speak again. When I couldn’t reach him at all that next morning, finally sent a wellness check. He was rushed to the hospital & placed in the ICU. I was not allowed in the hospital. Neither were his family members. His phone was left behind at the apartment.

    The one call a nurse offered before his ventillation…I knew had to be with his children. So I never saw or spoke to him again from that night, when he apologized for not being on his phone as much…when he also texted me “just talking to you makes me feel better, even when nothing much is being said.”

    I want to know that he wasn’t in pain, he wasn’t scared- that he didn’t know he was going to die. I need to know that he felt my love with him & knows why we didn’t get to speak one more time- that I put his kids first, like I know he’d want me to. I want to know if he can hear me when I still talk to him all day long.

    I couldn’t take my hands off of him in his coffin at the wake. My sister had to drag me away. Flashes of that moment consume me all day long too.

    I do “believe” grief gets better with time…but don’t want to believe it at the same time- because that means accepting that this has really happened in the first place. I don’t want time. I don’t want to recognize the “stages” I’m in like I’ve been told about. I don’t want to believe anything. I don’t want this to be my reality where any of that stuff even matters.

    How do you make peace with no closure? With feeling they were so within reach in their last days…but you still couldn’t be by their side? To never have been able to say any last words?

    • MrT  March 31, 2021 at 12:49 pm Reply

      KH I’m so very sorry this is happening to you, I also lost my friend, husband and soul mate 5 weeks ago. You ask about making peace with no closure, I can relate as well to this as my husband died in hospital with no last phone call as he was ventilated. The only knowledge I have for you is the lowest point I reached was in 2011. My beautiful 18 year old son was taken very quickly without any closure, telephone calls or last words. My world exploded total wipeout. Over the years I never went into any levels of grief , I just somehow found the strength to get through each day never looking forward more than 12 hours. I lost future grand children his wedding day his whole future just disappeared in a flash taking me with him. Now I’m back in this hole again and can’t believe this is like Groundhog Day been here done this. All I can say is since my son passed I grew strength knowing that when he died he knew how much he was loved, cherished, that boy knew it all. No regrets , just pure love. I know I will survive this again but please like me don’t look to far ahead. When 11 years ago I looked to the future without my son, it was bleak and believe me it was nothing like I imagined. I did learn to smile again, I took him in my heart everywhere I went and gradually the sun shone again. This time I’m older and my rock is not there beside me but my god how I loved my hubby and again carry him in my heart. I cry every single day, but he loved me and I still feel that love every day. Try and sleep and take care of yourself sending hugs xx

    • Melanie Spencer  April 6, 2021 at 4:01 pm Reply

      KH…I am terribly sorry for your loss. There are no magic words that I or anyone else can say to take your hurt away. Your pain is heartwrenching. I lost my husband in 2020. I hope that you will consider GriefShare. It is 13 (weekly) classes with someone leading, a workbook, videos etc. There are online classes and in person classes. I recommend in person. You can google Grief Share. It will take you step by step through it, if you enter your zip code, and it will advise you of locations near you. There is a time to share your pain with others in a similar situation grieving their losses as well. It has helped me so much.

    • Bri  August 6, 2021 at 10:39 am Reply

      I completely, COMPLETELY understand. My fiancé lost his battle with covid 2 days ago. He was sick for a total of 5 days. He was only 27 years old. We were set to be married on October 10th of this year, 2 months away. We had plans to buy a house and try for a baby after getting married. We had plans to go to the lake this weekend and find some seafood to dig into, maybe see a movie and play some mini golf. Then he suddenly fell critically ill. One day he felt like he had a head cold, the next he was in a coma with a tube down his throat and blood coming out of his nose and mouth. I was in the room when his heart stopped beating, and i will forever relive the horror of seeing the strongest person i know in the state he was in. He was my soulmate, my sunshine, my partner, and my best friend. That awful, god forsaken virus took him from me when we had so much to look forward to. I feel so lost and alone without my beacon of warmth and light. I don’t know what to do with myself.

  28. Shey  March 16, 2021 at 9:28 pm Reply

    I was married to
    My spouse since February 8,2019
    On March 6,2021. He passed away. He was only 32 years old. I am loss, numb, hurt. I have resentment because our marriage wasn’t the on the best of terms. We had communication issues because of an incident that cause us to separate on February 14.2020. Although the last thing he said was he loved me and happy anniversary I just do not know how to move forward in life without him in it. He left behind a 14 year old son and 8 year old stepdaughter. Someone please tell me will it get better in time

    • Latese  May 30, 2021 at 8:34 am Reply

      I totally understand my boyfriend was 31 when he died he died March 9,2021 his birthday was April 3,1989 he was a Memphis police officer ,nice man and a good father I just had a baby 4 months before he died and now she 5 months I promise it get better but you gone forever have moments.a drunk driver t-bone him leaving work.I got that call at night ,worst night every I got ptsd behind everything I hate to even hear my phone ring at night .I’m I’m a single parent of two 9 year old and 5 month old .I see people out with they family as I’m out with my girls I cry ,screaming why my boyfriend was taken from his kids ,his only child

  29. Nanswua  February 18, 2021 at 12:25 am Reply

    Yesterday I lost the love of my life to sudden death.
    We have been together for 15 years; he was my everything and understood me better than anyone ever has. A kind, generous, thoughtful and thoroughly good man who loved my children and extended family as much as they loved and adored him. He was universally respected and admired for his good nature and wonderful sense of humor as well as his other good qualities. I loved him so deeply, it’s hard to imagine any kind of life without him. I will miss him so much –this pain is raw and real and I do grieve the things I know we would have enjoyed doing together, as well as those special things that I know he was looking forward to. I pray that he knows how much he was loved, respected, and admired Oh, what a great example of goodness he was for the people around him. I am resolved to live my life to honor him and to try to be the person he always saw I could be. I will always love him.

    • Isabelle Siegel  February 18, 2021 at 10:24 am Reply

      Nanswua, I am so very sorry for your loss. Your partner sounds like a truly incredible man who will be missed dearly by you and countless others. Please know that your pain is so valid and okay. I am glad to hear that you are looking for ways to honor him. You may want to check out this article: Your love will endure the test of time. All the best to you.

    • Sheba  May 12, 2021 at 3:28 pm Reply

      Nanswua, So sorry for your loss, i can totally relate, i lost my husband on December 22,2020, in a fatal car accident, and buried him December 30, 2020 I felt as if the world stopped, and i was the only person in it, I still feel the numbness, because of how good of a man he was, the best way to describe my husband is that God gave me himself in human form, because there was no way a man, could love the way my husband loved me. he completed my soul. My husband said some words to me in the beginning of our relationship that will forever me with me, he said whether in life or death, i will forever be with you, and i find those words to be true, because the love we shared was so strong, i still feel it, so it’s as if he is still with me. So i am sharing my husband words with you, because of the love i see you and your husband shared as well. “Whether in life or Death, your husband will forever be with you”

      • Brianna Grant  June 6, 2021 at 10:23 pm

        Thank you for sharing this. I lost my 30 year old husband suddenly on 4/19/2021. I found him unconscious in our bedroom while our 1 year old daughter was in her high chair. He passed due to complications of his type 1 diabetes. I feel crazy for feeling like he is still with me. I keep telling people that even though he is not here physically I have yet to feel an absence from him spiritually. Our connection still remains strong, he completed me and understood me in a way that know one could. He told me exactly a month before his passing that we would be “together in eternity until eternity is no longer eternity”. He was a counselor that impacted so many and wise beyond his years. He is missed everyday.

  30. Brandy  February 11, 2021 at 2:11 am Reply

    Jan 28th I picked our 17 yr old daughter up from school after I got off work and we headed home. I knew my husband was home because his car was here. I checked the bathroom and discovered my husband of almost 17 years was dead. I called 911 and tried CPR but he was already to stiff. I normally come home for lunch every day but I decided to eat lunch with a work friend instead. I feel guilty, I feel like I don’t know how to even have a life without him here. I have dreams where he’s in the house then wake up confused and it’s like realizing he’s gone for the first time over and over.

    • Isabelle Siegel  February 11, 2021 at 2:57 pm Reply

      Brandy, I’m so very sorry for your loss. The pain you’re experiencing right now is so normal and valid. I hear that you feel guilty… I suggest you check out this article: I hope you can learn to forgive yourself. You did everything you could to save your husband. I also recommend you give this article a read: You will find a way through this. Things may not go back to normal, but you will adjust to a new normal. Please know that, no matter what, you are not alone. All the best to you.

  31. Brandy  February 11, 2021 at 2:05 am Reply

    Jan 28th I picked our 17 yr old daughter up from school after I got off work and we headed home. I knew my husband was home because his car was here. I checked the bathroom and discovered my husband of almost 17 years was dead. I called 911 and tried CPR but he was already to stiff. I normally come home for lunch e

  32. Jason  January 27, 2021 at 2:50 pm Reply

    Hi – just after Xmas 2020 (29th) I lost my best friend and soul mate Lisa to a Brain Bleed.
    We met when we were 10 years old & it was truly love at first sight. I never told her how much I loved her as we were best friends right through school and out side in our 20’s. We were with separate partners for 20 years but kept in touch as I often went for coffees and chats with her. She helped me when I split with my wife and dad passed away, but one day was different when I turned 49, I kissed her and we told each other we loved each other. We got engaged straight away and planned to be married in Sept 2020, but Covid stopped that. She got Leukaemia and fought it twice successfully. She died next to me in our bed aged 53, the Leukaemia came back and took her from me. I am totally lost, cry every day and it’s been a month now, when will the pain stop as its sometimes unbearable – i have lost everything that was beautiful in my life

    • Wendy  February 11, 2021 at 10:22 pm Reply

      Jason I totally get your heartache. My husband of 22yrs passed 1/1/21 from Pancreatic Cancer 😢 myself and our 3 kids are in like a bad dream.

  33. Armani Faulk  January 20, 2021 at 11:14 pm Reply

    I lost my boyfriend, October 17, 2020, three days before my birthday. He was truly one of a kind, unlike like any other. Incomparable. The greatest to me. I never in a million years would’ve thought I’d experience something like this. To those who tell people who lose a loved one “it’s okay”…. it’s not. It never will. You just eventually learn to cope. I’m grateful to have met someone so valuable. I wish we could’ve had a happy ending, but life continues. I grieve and cry myself to sleep every night. Hoping one day it’ll get better. I know bad times don’t last always, I’m just healing waiting on the day I can live again.

  34. Chris B  January 13, 2021 at 4:19 pm Reply

    I lost my husband on 6 Nov 2020. He was only 27. He started becoming unwell since 24 with leukaemia. He was always courageous and never complained. He fought till his last breath. I miss him so much, not one second I do not think of him. I feel so lonely and just want to be with him. I don’t know how to carry on.

    • IsabelleS  January 15, 2021 at 11:52 am Reply

      Chris, I’m so very sorry for your loss. Feeling as though you don’t know how to carry on is actually so normal and valid. Perhaps it would help to seek out the support of a therapist/counselor trained in grief and bereavement, which you can find here: Please know that, no matter what, you are not alone. All the best to you.

    • Erica  January 20, 2021 at 2:33 pm Reply

      Hi Chris B , I know how you feel, I loss my boyfriend on the 27th of November, 2020, he was 25yrs old ,he died from a stroke that give him a brain aneurysm, there is no proper sleeping , always crying up to know I am still crying , you can’t eat and currently suffering from depression where I want to kill myself to go meet him but I wouldn’t be able to see him if I do but what helps at times you think about the good times you had with him and talk to your friends or family about him everytime a memory comes to you ,also keep stuff for him that he valued . And think about what is important in life that makes you want to live , like your kids if you have any or you can pray all the time ,talk to god about how you are feeling.

    • Rachel  February 15, 2021 at 12:20 am Reply

      I lost my 34 year old on the exact same day. We would be married 12 years in April. He had been for as long as he could remember and in 2012 we found out he was diabetic and hard as we tried he could not get it under control. I never left his side the last week of his life. I am a keeper of messages and a couple weeks after his passing I decided to read thru some of our conversations, and discovered an image that he sent to me on December 15, 2020. I don’t remember reading it then but it’s purpose is clear now and I read it every single day! I hope it can help you as well:

      Remember Me
      Don’t remember me with sadness, don’t remember me with tears, remember all the laughter, we’ve shared throughout the years. Now I am contented that my life it was worthwhile, knowing that along the way I made somebody smile. When you are walking down the street and you’ve got me on your mind, I’m walking in your footsteps only half a step behind. So please don’t be unhappy, just because I’m out of sight, Remember that I’m with you each morning, noon and night.

      • Isabelle Siegel  February 17, 2021 at 12:22 pm

        Rachel, I am truly so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story and these beautiful words. All the best to you.

  35. Egonzalez0405  January 2, 2021 at 8:12 am Reply

    I lost my spouse on April 12 2019 and we found his remains on March 30 of 2020 he was murdered and this whole time we thought he was missing, we had 1 little boy everyday or just thinking about him brings tears and no one else understands how I feel. Everyone thinks I’m depressed because I don’t go out or they pressure me to start dating. Most of the time I just want to be alone with my son and not see anyone. I just feel like a loser and I don’t want anyone feeling sorry for me.

    • IsabelleS  January 4, 2021 at 1:18 pm Reply

      I’m so sorry for your loss, and to hear that you’re feeling like this. You’re not a loser. It’s completely okay to want to be alone with your son… You’re grieving! You may want to check out this article: All the best.

    • Nancy Beardslee  March 16, 2021 at 2:17 pm Reply

      I was a nursing professor, and volunteer in
      the local Hospice library.
      I thought I had knowledge of grieving:
      going through the bad times. But? no I had tried to be strong so I wouldn’t bother my daughter, grandchildren. So for 12 months I was in denial about the death of my son, then death of father, mother and then my husband. The toll on me was enormous.
      I am coping well at times, but my way is to become more private. My answer to helpful friends wanting more activity and to vent… I don’t want to vent. With Covid not allowing normal activity with friends.
      So, I am a little better (2%). I wanted to share this… my new motto to friends is “Life is hard.”

  36. Casper  January 2, 2021 at 3:26 am Reply

    It’s been 7 days since I’ve lost the love of my life. A man that deeply loved me unconditionally, that had protected me and gave me the best of himself. He had never hurt me in anyway and for this I treated him like the king he was. At the tender age of 52 my handsome and most sweetest husband passed away from kidney failure. I fulfilled his wish to die at home, to be brave and strong as he wanted and loved every minute I spent with him from the day we got together. I know he’s not suffering anymore and his constant pain is gone. I try must best to continue being strong and brave but I miss him so much. I am thankful he came into my life and thankful I was able to experience love, real love. But I hurt so much I try not showing this to our children, I try comforting them as he would have wanted. He was a beautiful soul and I miss him. I miss his smile, his laughter, his tenderness. I miss his presence. In the last 7 days I’ve cried in silence, I’ve forced myself to conquer my isolation. I pray every day that I don’t hold his spirit back, that he makes it to where he’s suppose to go. I try not being selfish. I try my best, to let him go, in love and in peace. I miss him so much. I still love him from the core of my being. Watching him take his last breath with my words of love and comfort was the most hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life. I love him and I always will. Thanks for letting me share

    • IsabelleS  January 4, 2021 at 1:24 pm Reply

      Casper, thanks for taking the time to share your story. I am truly so sorry for your loss… There are no words. Your love sounds so special, and it will continue to bond you two together for the rest of time.

    • Kim Rasner  January 10, 2021 at 6:02 pm Reply

      I feel so sad for you. I was 46 when I became a widow on August 1, 2019. I have been where you are. It is hard. I’m so sorry for your loss.

  37. Ki-Myja’  December 26, 2020 at 8:45 pm Reply

    my boyfriend passed away November 13, 2020. He died due to an drug overdose, and unfortunately I watched him take his last breath. It’s hurts so bad everyday, knowing he’s never coming back. I think about how real this doesn’t feel, too often. I’m hurt, angry, sad, annoyed, and often find myself making up different scenarios as to what could’ve been done for him to still be here. I scream and cry, I get lost in my thoughts. Some days I think I’ll be fine and other days I feel like I can’t do this. It sucks!

    • IsabelleS  December 28, 2020 at 1:35 pm Reply

      Ki-Myja, I’m truly so sorry for your loss. I cannot begin to imagine how difficult it was to witness your boyfriend’s death firsthand. What you’re experiencing–the hurt, anger, sadness, annoyance, numbness, etc.–is all normal and okay. I completely understand what you mean when you say that some days are okay and others are hard to get through… This too is so normal. Give yourself some space to grieve. Perhaps you would find it comforting to speak with a therapist trained in grief, which you can find here: All the best to you.

    • Cali  January 18, 2021 at 11:37 pm Reply

      i lost my boyfriend on november 18th 2020 so it has been exactly 2 months. i didn’t know pain until he died, this is unbearable. he made me so happy and was perfect. now he is gone. he was only 17 and had his whole life ahead of him. life is so unfair

      • Isabelle Siegel  January 19, 2021 at 12:12 pm

        Cali, I’m so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine the pain you’re experiencing. You’re right… Life can be so unfair. Your anger is normal and okay. I hope this website shows you that, no matter what, you’re not alone. All the best to you.

    • Cali  January 18, 2021 at 11:39 pm Reply

      i am so sorry that you have to go through this too. you are not alone. sending you strength

    • Blake  February 9, 2021 at 2:46 pm Reply

      I just lost my girlfriend of a almost 2 yrs only 3 days ago due to drug overdose. She just recently started doing it and we both were about to go off Nd get clean together,which would have been today. She likes to do a opposite drug than me and she argued with me everyday so bad until she got it but I loved her so much and did all I can so I could have my happy baby with me because when she didn’t have it I just felt like we didn’t know each other because she was mean to me. I miss her so so much I feel as though this is my fault and I could have saved her. They hit her withnarcan twice and it didn’t do anything I believe she was already brain dead. The image of her like that is haunting me everyday its killing me. I dont know how to deal. I have a question for you since it’s been this long has it gotten any easier for you. I feel as though I never going to be able to let this go and its killing me I’m afraid suicide is going to be my way out

      • Isabelle Siegel  February 10, 2021 at 12:19 pm

        Blake, I’m so very sorry for your loss. I want you to know that it is so normal to still be grieving your girlfriend even after two years. It’s a common misconception that we “get over” grief. In reality, it is always a part of us. I highly recommend you give this article a read: I also hear that you feel guilty… This too is normal. I cannot tell you not to feel guilty, but I will say this: I hope you can forgive yourself. Perhaps it would be helpful for you to enlist the support of a therapist trained in grief and bereavement, which you can find here: If you are thinking of hurting yourself, or even if you just need someone to talk with, please call the National Suicide Helpline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit their website where you can do a live online chat Please know that, no matter what, you are not alone. You have so much to live for.

    • Kausalya Vijay murugan  March 17, 2021 at 9:02 pm Reply

      Hey Dear ,
      It’s so much relatable I lost my love on November 22nd , 2020 ! He was just 23 and I’m still in denial like how could this happen and why with me ? Because we were such happy couples since my school it was almost 8 yrs of successful relationship ! And suddenly I lost him to a silly accident, he drowned in 5ft water ! Wherein he knows to swim , I feel so stupid and annoyed coz this one incident has impacted so many lives I just feel dead ! I’m just 23 I don’t know how far life is gonna take me ! But this was too early , I miss him every microseconds !

  38. Jeff R Berg  December 23, 2020 at 7:28 pm Reply

    On Oct 30 of this year, my beautiful wife, Sarah died. She had cancer for over 10 years, but it was sepsis that finally took her.

    We had almost 22 years together, most of which were amazing. This last year was very difficult, as she became very withdrawn and ignored me quite a bit. I tended to her for all the years she had cancer, without help from family or friends.

    Her daughter, my stepdaughter, has made my life a living hell by creating new Powers of Attorney when Sarah was in the hospital and having her sign a new Will just a few days before she died. I now have two lawyers and am beside myself with grief. This same stepdaughter assaulted me earlier this year and trashed my home office in 2017.

    Sarah and I had a great marriage until this year and I wasn’t at all aware of how much I loved her until she died. As many have written here, it is difficult if not impossible to move on- most everything reminds me of her and I also wonder if she knew what she was doing when she signed the new Will.

    I miss her, I want her, I love her, and I am totally mystified and heartbroken…and financially hurting as well. Stepdaughter helped herself to $29,000 out of an IRA that Sarah had.

  39. kelley andrews  December 18, 2020 at 4:44 am Reply

    I don’t seem to want to carry on. I have kids and I no it’s selfish I’m just empty he was my best friend new everything. I don’t have family to help so I’m coping best I can but can’t c how I can live without him

    • IsabelleS  December 18, 2020 at 10:05 am Reply

      Kelley, I’m so sorry for your loss. My heart truly goes out to you. The feelings of emptiness and hopelessness you’re experiencing are so normal after the death of a loved one… I have confidence that you will find a way to carry on. It may be helpful to enlist the support of a therapist trained in grief, which you can find here: If you are thinking of hurting yourself, or even if you just need someone to talk with, please call the National Suicide Helpline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit their website where you can do a live online chat Please know that, no matter what, you’re not alone. All the best to you.

  40. Lynlee  December 17, 2020 at 2:08 am Reply

    I don’t think I can do this anymore. I hate waking up each day. I hate going to bed. I hate eating. I hate bathing. I hate picking out something to wear. I hate having to go anywhere. I hate having to LIVE. Everything reminds me of my husband. I lost him October 9 2020 and it’s not getting better. I get sad. Then I get mad. I feel hopeless and helpless. I drink myself to bed most nights because the idea of going to bed without hearing him say “I love you babe” is more than I can bare. I get through the days by cooking the foods he loved and then I can’t eat any of it because I get too depressed. My life feels empty, meaningless and lonely. I put up the stupid Christmas tree because he loved Christmas, but when I look at it I just want to cry. I slept through Thanksgiving and I want to sleep through Christmas as well but my dad ( who I live with and take care of now because he can’t afford a nursing home) wants to have a traditional holiday. I can’t bare it. I don’t care about it. I don’t want to plaster a fake smile while we eat and open the few gifts we have. The only gift I am interested in is having my husband back and that’s not happening. Even our 15 year old son isn’t doing Christmas. He is spending the holiday with his best friend and they don’t celebrate Christmas. He said to me, begged me actually, not to make him sit here with his grandpa and do a holiday that will make him cry thinking of his dad. My dad, his grandpa, is not very understanding of our grief. If he hears either one of us crying he tells us to shut up. I wish I could hibernate the rest of my life. Or better yet, just die.

    • IsabelleS  December 17, 2020 at 9:32 am Reply

      Lynlee, I’m sorry to hear that you’re feeling like this and that your father has not been supportive. Feeling hopeless is actually very normal and okay. The holidays in particular can be tremendously difficult after losing a loved one. You may want to check out this section of our blog: It may be time to seek out the support of a therapist trained in grief and bereavement, which you can find here: If you are thinking of hurting yourself, or even if you just need someone to talk with, please call the National Suicide Helpline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit their website where you can do a live online chat Please be gentle with yourself. All the best.

    • jose melendez  December 17, 2020 at 4:16 pm Reply

      Lynlee, reading your post is heartbreaking, I know how you are feeling ,I lost the love my life ( together 21 years)this November 2,2020. I lost him to a long cancer struggle. he knew I would be suicidal , so he made me promise I wouldn’t kill myself. so I have to keep that promise.I will dedicate my life to do good deeds in his name or maybe start a organization in his name. I recommend to you this you tube video:

      when some one you love dies, there is no such thing as moving on/ Kelly Lynn
      TEDxadelphi university

      take care

    • Gilma  December 27, 2020 at 9:47 pm Reply

      To the Man I love who save me from my bad life bad situation before he died in Severe heart attack .I come home from work and I feel strange I Saw him in his office where he always at looking forward I come home he didn’t come down to say Honey your home with hugs and kisses .So I run upstairs and said I’m home he suddenly feel down and unconscious.I try to survive him with Cpr I do my best to give him another life try to survive him but god is ready for him in heaven .Until now it’s fresh how I saw him dying ,I hold his hands ,I hug him ,I talk to him .I feel I blame myself sometimes if I do all my best to survive him. I love you

      • IsabelleS  December 28, 2020 at 11:32 am

        Gilma, I’m so very sorry for your loss and for the pain you’re experiencing. I hear that you feel guilty for not being able to revive him… That is so normal and okay. That being said, please know that you did the best you could. You may want to check out this article: The What’s Your Grief community is here to support you as you navigate your grief. You are not alone. All the best to you.

  41. Max  December 11, 2020 at 10:03 am Reply

    I lost my soul mate this summer. We had our first child’s name picked out and an entire future we looked forward to. She was killed by a drunk driver. Her brother who she trusted drove drunk 85mph into a 40 mile per hour turn with her sitting right there in the passenger seat. It’s so hard to live with this because of everything stated in the article: she was my best friend, my person, the love of my life, but the also because the betrayal of her trust by her brother. That she thought she was safe in the hands of family- is so painful. They both are gone, but the preventable nature of her death is incomprehensible to me. She should be here.

    • IsabelleS  December 11, 2020 at 10:23 am Reply

      Max, I’m so sorry for your loss. I cannot begin to imagine the pain you are experiencing… My heart truly goes out to you.

  42. Roger  November 26, 2020 at 2:33 am Reply

    Hi my name is Roger and I lost my fiancée Timothy to Covid last week. We were supposed to get married next year. He was a high school teacher and probably got sick while working. We were together for 3 years had all this life planned out, and now my life is gone with him. I’m having a hard time processing everything and I came here in this article for help maybe. He was in Florida and I’m in Brazil finishing law school and because of pandemic travel ban between brz and usa I wasn’t able to be with him in his final moments. Now not only to deal with his absence in my life I have to deal with indifference frm his family that didn’t even offered or said anything about our things in his house- in his name – but a house we shared. I have to beg and humiliate myself constantly sending messages to them begging little information such as will he be buried or cremated and they just ignore me. I wish I could share my situation and find someone that might understand what I’m going through cause I’m not and I’m not well. Thanks if someone made it this far.

    • IsabelleS  November 27, 2020 at 11:45 am Reply

      Roger, I’m so sorry for your loss. I can’t even begin to imagine the pain you are going through. I understand that dealing with his family is making this particularly difficult. Perhaps it would be helpful to talk to a grief counselor, which you can find here: I hope you find some comfort in this website/community.

    • Beatrice  December 4, 2020 at 1:21 pm Reply

      Hello. We have totally the same experience. My fiancé passed away 2 months ago due to stroke. It was a sudden death. He’s from Switzerland and I’m from the Philippines. I was not able to see him on his final moment due to pandemic. I also had the hard time to have communication with his family such as if he would be cremated, the funeral. I have to send many messages just to let them know that I also want to be updated about the love of my life. It’s been 2 month since now and pain never goes away. I thought things get better with time but I miss him more and more every day. I still couldn’t believe. My heart is still aching as strongly as the day he passed away. He was taken from me suddenly. I suppose that is the hardest part. I had no time to prepare. I still believe I am living in a nightmare and he will return and wake me from this tormented dream. We were together for almost 4 years. He was my soulmate and best friend. He loved me for who I was, not for who I might become. I had never known unconditional love until I met him. I miss him and love him so much.

      • IsabelleS  December 4, 2020 at 1:45 pm

        Beatrice, I’m so very sorry for your loss. I cannot begin to imagine the pain you are experiencing. Your love sounds so special. I understand that the sudden and unexpected nature of his death makes it all the more difficult… I recommend you check out this article: I completely get what you mean when you say that you miss him more every day. This is completely normal and okay! You’re not alone in your grief, and I hope this website/community shows you that. All the best to you!

    • Christine  December 5, 2020 at 2:16 am Reply

      Roger I can relate but alittle different I was out if town I came home was about to pick up my bf after 5 days away got a call he died at work. They called his ex he never finished the divorce she refused he tried to for 5 years so cause they were legally married and I had been with him for 5 yrs even have a son together with him she called all the shots of his last part of his life cremation or burial flowers his money even though he lived with me they even asked her if she wanted to go in my home I was a funeral director and his girlfriend of 5 years but felt like a stranger locked out no say no choice nothing it was the worse thing to feel like nothing and be mourning grieving just lost and sad this happened to me August 2020 I had to find was to find closure for me it’s all I could do to stay sane I have so much hate towards others who locked me out and kept me from grieving how I needed so your not alone being alone on how you feel I just wanted to tell you it’s going to be part of you and you will learn to live different now but just find ways to find closure sending you all my condolences for your loss I’m so sorry your going through this always turn for help if you get to that point .

    • Kimberly R  December 17, 2020 at 10:26 am Reply

      Hi Roger…I am so deeply sorry for your loss. I understand what you are going through, you are not alone in this. My prayers for comfort and peace to you. I lost my fiancée this past August. Me & Chris had a home together also but everything was still in his name. So like you, I also have to call his family just to ask if I can have a small item or 2 of Chris’. Plus I had to call them to ask when is the funeral and where is he going to be buried….even though Chris wanted to be cremated and I suggested clothes for them to put on Chris to wear. Of course they didn’t take my suggestions. They don’t call to check up on me…I call them though. It’s been a difficult 4 months, and now soon to be Christmas without Chris. I pray you have someone to spend the holidays with and you are not alone.

    • jose melendez  December 17, 2020 at 4:30 pm Reply

      My heart breaks for you Roger, that family is on the wrong side of history, sorry homophobes you have lost, even pope Francis is in favor of same sex unions, with all the protections it provides.
      my partner of 21 years died nov2 2020, his family totally embraces me, his dad paid for cemetery plot for him with a spot for me when I go. we were to marry on Dec 19, but he didn’t live .we should had made it sooner . I wish you the strength to survive your situation.

      watch the film THE SINGLE MAN by Tom Ford, it may inspire you to go on until you join him in eternity

    • Stew  January 1, 2021 at 6:49 pm Reply

      Dear Roger.

      I lost my boyfriend to prostate cancer last year. He lived in Spain and i am in the uk. We spent three years together (one before cancer and two after ) going back and forth and travelling the world together. When he died more suddenly than expected while I was back in the uk sorting out my work in order to have a longer time with him. His parents cut me out of his life as though I was no one. I wasn’t even mentioned at the funeral. He was the love of my life. Nearly two years later the grief is terrible. I still keep living because what else can I do. But I feel your pain and recognise the extra hurt caused by denial of a love relationship by an unsympathetic and bigoted family. Keep going. Timothy would want you to keep trying. So try. It’s never any easier when the pain hits but if you’re lucky the gaps between the hard days get bigger. I love this list of all these ways and so many more that grief ruins the dreams and hopes you had.

    • Clare  January 27, 2021 at 5:04 pm Reply

      Dear Roger, I am so sorry that you lost your partner, and sad that his family have alienated you! Just two weeks ago, I lost my boyfriend of 3 years. He was found dead in his truck and the cause of death has yet to be determined. I cannot begin to describe the grief I am experiencing, which only seems to get renewed with each new day. I came to this website to get hope, and my shock at finding many others experiencing the grief of losing a partner has enabled me to find strength to believe that this too shall pass. I don’t know how, but I feel i should encourage you and all who mourn as i do, to have hope that life can (and we must allow it to) be beautiful again.

      Dear Roger, please do not get concerned about the coldness of his family. Don’t allow it to deepen your sense of loss. It is extremely cruel of them to exclude you at this time. I felt the same way to discover that his family does not even recognize me as his girlfriend. No one is telling me who he last spoke to, what his last texts or words were, who he was with last.. any pictures or videos to share. It is ok. I have my memories with him, pictures, and little video clips which i cherish so much.

      I would like to encourage you to pray, if you can find the strength. I want you to know dear Roger, that recovering from grief is a process but it is possible. THink what your partner would have had you do. He would have loved you to get over the sadness and go on living. (I know, easy to say!)

      I am a Christian, but not a homophobe. I have friends who identify as gay or lesbian. Before God we are all sinners. BUT, God promises that when you call upon Him, He will give you the strength to “run and not grow weary, to walk and not faint”, because your prayer will give God the right of way to fight every battle for you. You are beloved of God, Roger. I grieve with you, because of my own experience which is still raw. Please know that I am praying with and for you, and for all our fellows on this forum.

  43. Nessa  November 19, 2020 at 12:53 pm Reply

    Anna I’m so sorry for your loss. I lost my partner in June after battling gallbladder cancer for 6 months. He was 49 and I’m 50. I too feel lost but I do try and get out and about a bit, not every day but when I feel up to it. I cry a lot too and it does help to get it out. Yes people aren’t always thoughtful in what they say but I think some people just don’t know what to say either. I do hope as time goes on you gather strength…that’s what I’m hoping for too. I’m glad you have good support from your stepson. Perhaps talking to a bereavement counselor may help as well. Sending a big hug. Take care x

  44. Anna  November 19, 2020 at 6:07 am Reply

    I lost my partner of 21 years this year in April. He was diagnosed with Liver Cancer in Jan. Since he passed away I’ve been lost!!!! We gave him a great send off in July (because of covid) we couldn’t not do it earlier. He was cremated. All I seems to do is sit in front of the TV. My Step-son has been a great support and so has my family and friends. It just seems all I can do lately is cry. I have not gone back to work as I don’t have the strength. My health is suffering but I’m trying to get that back on track. People say “It will get easier” and I get tired of hearing that. I feel like saying UNTIL YOU WALK IN MY SHOES YOU HAVE NO IDEA!!!! You just learn to cope day by day. I’m only 45 and my partner was only 55 (would have been 56 this year) Some days are ok other days are terrible, everywhere I look I still see him and I think about him all the time. I know in time I will cope a bit better.

    • IsabelleS  November 19, 2020 at 11:17 am Reply

      Anna, I am so very sorry for your loss. I cannot even begin to imagine the unbearable pain you are enduring. I want you to know that everything you are feeling is completely valid. For example, I understand how frustrating it is to constantly hear “It will get easier.” Can you try communicating to these people that this isn’t helpful to you? All the best to you.

  45. Leah  November 17, 2020 at 8:02 am Reply

    I lost my boyfriend suddenly three days ago. We were together for five years and planning to get married within a year’s time. I am 28 and so was he and we had our entire life planned out. And now I will never get to live it. I don’t want to leave my bed, I don’t want to eat or do anything. The only thing I want to do is leave everything behind and join him.
    I have battled depression my entire life and the only one who truly understood what I was going through and supported me through it all was him. He loved me unconditionally and always put my happiness before anything else. He was my partner, my shoulder to lean on, my hopes and dreams, he was my entire life. He were two halves of one.
    Things around me had already started to crumble long before he passed and life as I knew it was coming to an end. But he was my beacon of hope and I knew that as long as I had him by my side, I could get through anything. He was my light at the end of the tunnel but now that light has been extinguished and I am left in total darkness. I miss hearing his voice, I miss seeing his face, I miss having him beside me. The pain is unbearable and the memories are too painful. I keep looking up at the sky and begging God to take me too, so I can be reunited with him.
    But people are telling me to be strong and carry on with my life. Be strong for what? He was my entire future and now he’s gone. I did not just lose him, I lost my future, the hopes and dreams we had of a life together, and the children we were supposed to have. Half of me has been torn away from me. I don’t want to heal, I don’t want to start feeling better, I dont want to stay strong and go on with my life. I want to go where he is. Life without him is senseless.

    • IsabelleS  November 17, 2020 at 11:29 am Reply

      Leah, I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I cannot even begin to imagine the unbearable pain you are feeling. I understand how difficult it is to hear people suggest you be strong and move on. Can you communicate to these people that it’s not that easy? The hopelessness you are feeling is normal and okay. Things may never get better, but they will get easier with time. Perhaps you should reach out to a therapist trained in grief, which you can find here: If you are thinking of hurting yourself, or even if you just need someone to talk with, please call the National Suicide Helpline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit their website where you can do a live online chat

      • Leah  November 18, 2020 at 12:52 pm

        Thank you for your kind words and support, Isabelle.

    • KI  November 17, 2020 at 7:01 pm Reply

      I am soooo sorry for your loss I’m sending you a big virtual hug. I completely understand how your feeling. I tragically lost my husband on 7/19 of this year. That day changed my life forever. I was 39 when he passed and he was only 43. Just like you and your boyfriend we had big plans for our future together. We had just decided that we were ready to start trying for a baby. I know how you feel about not wanting to be here anymore, your life doesn’t have a purpose etc. I’m still going through those feelings this very day. Do you have anyone that you can talk to about how your feeling? If not I recommend seeing a Therapist. Suicide is not the answer dear. I’m not sure how spiritual you are but a family member told me if you want to be reunited with your boyfriend
      in afterlife you sure won’t see him if you commit suicide.

    • Anna  November 20, 2020 at 3:54 am Reply

      I hear you Leah sometimes I feel that life is so hard without my partner and that I wish that I could be with him. We didn’t have children together but his son and I are so close and my daughter-in law and our beautiful granddaughter they keep me going. My granddaughter always says “HI GRANDDAD and GOODNIGHT GRANDDAD” by pointing up to the sky especially at night she is 3 years old. Life can sure throw you curve balls hey. It’s good to talk to people who have been through this loss. My best friend lost her husband last year and she has been such a great support for me and I for her. Please take care. All the best xoxo

    • Kimberly S Rex  November 24, 2020 at 4:45 pm Reply

      I’m so very sorry for your loss. May you find comfort and peace in the days and months to come. I too have lost my fiancée( Christopher) August 7, 2020. We were also planning on getting married soon. We’ve been together 5 years and I feel this past year with everything going on with the COVID, we actually grew closer together. I’m not sure how I’m going to live without him. I feel lost and alone. He was my life. We will all get through this with family, friends and lots of supportive people. I started going to grief counseling recently. It helps to talk, I’ve always loved talking about Chris anyway. I also pray almost constantly.

    • Natasha Charlesworth  November 27, 2020 at 4:47 pm Reply

      I too just lost my fiancé. Like you I am struggling to find sense in all this and just don’t know how I’ll ever get beyond the sadness and overwhelming sense that everything is over. My life included. I can’t even imagine life without him.
      Hope you find peace somehow. 💔

    • Alexa  January 3, 2021 at 6:38 am Reply

      I know exactly how you are feeling, I lost my partner Samantha 3 weeks ago. It was so sudden, multiple organ failure with internal bleeding. I watched her take her last breath in our bed. I gave her cpr right away, nobody could bring her back.
      We were together for 5 years, both 26, had our whole lives to go, we were perfectly and magically happy together.
      Nothing can heal this pain but I hope time will help just a little. I also feel like giving up as I don’t see a point in going on with out my soulmate. I cannot wait to be with her again, but I guess I’ll have to live for the both of us. I miss her every second.
      I won’t give up if you won’t

      • IsabelleS  January 4, 2021 at 1:13 pm

        Alexa, I’m very sorry for your loss. Please don’t give up. To anyone who wants to give up, or even who just needs someone to talk with, please call the National Suicide Helpline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit their website where you can do a live online chat

  46. Nakrit C  November 13, 2020 at 12:32 pm Reply

    Yes my spouse passed away by the end of august that the special month for us . Cas 8th&14th that ours birthday. I have to bring him to ER in the morning of my birthday and he never come back Yes his family and his friends changed that because of money and estate. I have a hard time because my English that not to good to communicate with hospitals I even know what’s hospice is /urn /ashes/ At the time I have to handle everything alone ( it’s truly alone no one) I keep every minute to do the best as I can with him I have to smile even my face all over with tears at the time I have to protect my right from them that try to use the law with immigrants like me.
    Like a Hollywood movie party at home with black dress. It’s call celebration of life I working on it myself and watch YouTube how to do it cas I have no idea what’s that mean. No one from his family &his friends come. Maybe I am a bad person. Now yes i lost my soul /other half / close friend/ no hope / feel nothing/ can’t sleep in the bed can’t eat lose weight and still crying everytime anywhere. I am not sure how I gonna go thru this situation cas I want to suicide twice. I never ever try to do a stupid thing like this before.
    To people that still in same situation I can tell you no one can help us . You have to go thu by yourself because in our inside if you know even you can’t help yourself ( like me!) lasting thing from my advice keep breathing stay alive. Time only last thing that will help us slowly.

    • IsabelleS  November 16, 2020 at 11:27 am Reply

      Nakrit, I am very sorry for your loss. I want to remind you how strong you are. You’re right… Time will slowly help. For now, be gentle with yourself. If you are thinking of hurting yourself, or even if you just need someone to talk with, please call the National Suicide Helpline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit their website where you can do a live online chat

    • Linda  December 18, 2020 at 11:13 pm Reply

      Hi. Sorry for your loss. My husband got covid 19 and he passed away on 7 December, I’m alone too . Some friends helped me . That is too hard don’t have family around in these days. Today I had to put my dog to sleep. Very painful.

  47. Lynette  November 7, 2020 at 5:07 am Reply

    I lost my best friend and lover suddenly on the 9/9/19.
    I’ve spent an entire year grieving and I’ve aged 10 years.
    We were inseparable, and actively living a wonderful life together.
    Both of us were born in 1961 Adrian was 3 months older than me and often said he came before me and will leave before me so I know where to go when it’s my time.
    I’m still trying to figure out how to live with Adrian not by my side.
    All the little things that meant so much are empty.
    I know time changes the pain, I’ve recovered from the immense pain that went on for months however the loss I carry now is hidden from the world because life goes on.

    I often want to be with Adrian and feel cheated that I’m left behind.

    I’m 59 and do not see life through the same lense I once did.

    I feel punished.

    • IsabelleS  November 10, 2020 at 10:43 am Reply

      Lynette, I am truly so sorry for your loss. I understand that it is difficult to fathom going on without Adrian. I want you to know how strong and resilient you are, and that you will get through this. Things may never get better, but they will get easier with time. If you are thinking of hurting yourself, or even if you just need someone to talk with, please call the National Suicide Helpline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit their website where you can do a live online chat All the best to you.

  48. Tiffani D.  September 8, 2020 at 1:45 am Reply

    Everything in this article describes everything I’m feeling but can’t find the words to say. I’m 40 years old and burried my 43 year old husband on September 2, 2020. We were married for 23 years, and he was my everything. I’m an only child and both parents past away in last 3 years. My husband was my world. On Saturday August 22, 2020 I woke up around 8:00 am, he was already awake watching TV so he told me about the movie that was on and he sat up and leaned his back against our headboard. A few minutes later he grabbed his chest and moaned and fell over. I thought he was being silly and I told him to stop so he doesn’t wake up kids. Then I put my hand on his back and felt all his muscles tensed up and realized it was not a joke. He wasn’t breathing and not responding to me. My daughter heard my screams and came so I made her go outside and call 911. I was certified in CPR 10 years ago and I knew what to do. I knew he needed to be on the floor for chest compressions to be effective. My husband was 6 ft. Tall and 200 lbs. I’m 5’2 and 115 lbs. I could not move him even a little bit he was too heavy so I gave mouth to mouth and inadequate chest compressions for nearly 15 mins waiting for ambulance. They shocked his heart and it came back. But it was too late. He got to hospital and after emergency heart surgery they put him into hypothermia for 24 hours to try to stop or slow brain damage. When he was warmed up completely his brain had suffered to much trauma from lack of oxygen it swelled so much that it cut off all blood flow to the brain. He was brain dead. The only thing that helps my heart is because he was on life support the whole time he was able to save 3 live by donating both kidneys and his liver. Also I got to hold his warm hand and kiss his warm face and touch his warm body for 3 days after his heart attack. I got to say “I’m sorry” and tell him “I love you” I never got to hear him say it back but I got more than most people do whose loved one has sudden cardiac arrest. I would give up the rest of my life right now to have him back for a day. I can’t wait till the day I can think about him without crying.

    • Christine  October 2, 2020 at 9:00 pm Reply

      Tiffani I just lost my boyfriend August 3rd 2020 that was hard enough then comes the viewing then getting some ashes then the autopsy report telling me a drug overdose when I didn’t even know he was on any but I knew he had pain and these were for pain but I know he went fast being the position he was in even though that was so much trauma to see you got to be by his side you did what you could and you have a child you spoke of maybe more but your alive still you have a purpose one is the kids . You must mourn how you need to but just keep living that’s what I have told myself my prayers and my thoughts are with you .

    • Yadira Gallardo  October 3, 2020 at 4:11 pm Reply

      My hubby passed away same day ? sorry for your loss

    • Molly  November 4, 2020 at 10:16 pm Reply

      I lost my husband, best friend and best friend on October 9,2020 unexpectedly in 3 days time. I would love to talk to someone going through the loss for support and I’ll support you because I truly don’t feel anyone else really knows how it feels

      • IsabelleS  November 5, 2020 at 10:55 am

        Molly, I am so very sorry for your loss. I hope this community helps show you that you are not alone in your grief.

      • Leah  November 18, 2020 at 9:54 am

        Hi Molly, I would love to talk to you if you are still open to talk! Sending you all my love ♥

      • Vera  March 30, 2021 at 3:02 pm

        My husband died on October 9th 2020 as well.
        He was diagnosed with gallbladder Cancer that had spread he died a month after diagnosis. I so understand your pain. I am devastated we were married 31 years! His card for our 31st was can’t wait till our 32and beyond ..

  49. Carol  September 5, 2020 at 6:25 pm Reply

    I just lost my husband to cancer on August 1st 2020. We spent a lifetime together for 57 years and the loss is so great I don’t even know what to do. I cannot even imagine how terrible this would be for me. We had lost both of our parents and we had a still born baby and I lost my sister but this pain if indescribable. I just want him back. He died at home after just 5 weeks of being diagnosed with lung cancer and it had gone into his liver too. He was in hospital for a week and they had to drain his lungs every day and he begged to come home and said he would not be any bother to anyone which I feel terrible because he said that. He came home and was at home for a week and my daughter was staying here and she got up in the night to check on him and he was gone, I feel so guilty I wasn’t right by his side when he passed away. It has been five weeks now and I miss him so much that I don’t know if I can go on. I just cry all the time and have to force myself to do anything at all. I want him back so much it hurts to even think he wont be coming back. I just think he is on one of his fishing trips. He loved live and everyone who knew him loved him. He was the best husband in the world. I have talked to a counseller but I don’t feel like they are helping me. Just cannot go on without him.

    • Litsa  September 5, 2020 at 7:32 pm Reply

      Carol, please know that it so often feels hopeless in the early months. But your husband held an important space in this world and you do too. The shock of such a quick diagnosis and his death after 57 years is unimaginable – your life will never be the same and you will unquestionably miss him every day. But with time, you will learn to carry the weight of the loss and find ways to stay connected with him while being able to still have time with your daughter and other family. I know it feels impossible to imagine now, but please know that what you are feeling is normal – terrifying as it is. If the counsellor you are seeling is not helpful, please TELL THEM. I know that can feel hard to do, but they don’t know what is helping (or not helping) unless you are honest with them. There are different approaches to counselling, so when something isn’t working they can often adjust and another approach might be far more helpful. Sometimes it is just about finding the right counsellor, so you need to try a couple before finding the right one. If you are located in the US, please call the suicide helpline right away if you are thinking of hurting yourself (or even just wishing you were no longer alive) at 1-800-273-8255 or in the UK the Samaritans at 116 123.

    • Nessa  October 7, 2020 at 9:12 am Reply

      Carol I am so very sorry for your loss. My partner of 12 years passed away from cancer in June aged 49 years old. He was diagnosed last Christmas. He was and is my best friend, my soulmate and the love of my life. I miss him so much and every Tuesday is another week of him not being here. He was at home with me for the last 3 weeks of his life and he died the night we had a Marie Curie nurse here and I had gone for a rest. I feel guilty that I wasn’t with him when he took his last breath but try to tell myself he at least had someone who was kind and caring with him. It’s been 17 weeks now and although I don’t cry now every day I live with an ache in my heart and an intense sadness that I will never see him again to hug, talk to, kiss and just spend time with. I find it hard to come to terms that he isn’t physically in this world anymore. This grief is hard but it helps to post here and know that I am not alone in how I’m feeling. My thoughts are with anyone going through such a difficult and emotional time. X

  50. J.R. Allen  September 1, 2020 at 11:19 pm Reply

    August 6 we lost our English bulldog she was the sweetest thing in the world. Than on August 17 I lost my partner to sepsis. September 16 was his birthday and we were all set to spend that week on the beach and get married on his birthday. October 3rd would have been out 9 year anniversary. Right now I’m so lost. What we had I know was extremely rare and I won’t never get it again. So now I’m literally all alone my family live 3 hours away (southern Baptist and I’m gay so go figure ) they loved my partner too but now I’m just don’t see what the point of life as I’m trying to straighten up the house like he would have done it. I just keep thinking who gives a damn if the house is messy we can’t take it with us. Who cares if I don’t wash my clothes. We not smell them when we are gone. And than the depression l. It’s not like a family member it’s actually half you yourself is gone. I never had depressed before I’m always a “see the light “ type of person but right now I would stay in the dark if I knew he would be beside me

  51. Joy  August 31, 2020 at 11:46 pm Reply

    I stumbled across this when googling about grief and loss. On Mother’s Day 2020, my significant other of 13 years was doing yard work he’s 51, I was heading to work, I had to close that night, I went to give him a kiss and he pulled me close and said I love you babe. Which was normal for us. I left at 130 for work, I tried calling around 530 and no answer and again at 830 pm to see if he needed anything from store on my way home still no answer, not a big deal. I’m pulling up at home almost 930pm and I can see tv light on and I’m like oh how sweet he waited up for me. I unlock door and go in and he’s in his chair and it looks like he’s sleeping so I go over and say babe why don’t you go to bed, he doesn’t flinch, so I begin to shake him and say babe go to bed, and I’m realizing he’s cold and his color isn’t right, so I’m dialing 911 and saying babe please wake up, 911 operator is asking me to calm down she says have you tried CPR, I said do you want me to try he’s cold and she says no honey it’s too late, she said I need you to step outside and wait for police and ambulance, she said she was trying to calm me because I was screaming and crying hysterically. They arrived and pronounced him dead. It’s been so hard to deal with especially because I found him, I felt guilt because if I wasn’t at work maybe I could’ve staved him. Found out he died of Acute Coronary Syndrome (blockage of valve to heart) basically like major heart attack. I went to my Dr a few weeks later because I wasn’t sleeping very much, reliving it and broken hearted. She assured me that if I’d been home I wouldn’t have been able to save him, it’s quick and sudden. I still feel guilt, I love and miss him so much. It’s just hard, never thought I’d be a widow at 45. I talk to him in my prayers every night, life just isn’t the same.

    • Christine stinnett  September 1, 2020 at 4:03 pm Reply

      Joy I’m sorry for your loss I feel the same way I left out if town 7 hrs away to meet my grandson I came home 5 days later I was about to pick up my boyfriend from work I had not seen and we only texted during my trip not talked on the phone and he died at work I git a call before I left my normal time to get him I felt if I just didn’t go or came home sooner or who knows what I could have helped him idk what happened to him yet but I think something fast also . It’s hard to live different it’s hard what you walked into make sure you get some counseling . I’m a good listener if you need anything . My heart is breaking for you .

      • Joy  September 12, 2020 at 10:42 pm

        Thanks for your kind words. It’s hard talking to people that haven’t been through a situation like this. Even though I talked with my Dr. and she assured me that even if I would’ve been there I couldn’t have saved him. It’s just hard because no matter what others say I still feel guilty for not being there. It was sudden and unexpected, just feel so bad all the what if’s that go through your mind, I just wish he was still here, never thought I’d go through something like this, this early in life. Every once in awhile I go back to that night I found him as if it just happened and now it’s already been 4 months. Thanks for your time I really appreciate it. Take care of yourself

    • Samantha Gildersleeve  November 4, 2020 at 2:51 pm Reply

      I understand what you are going through –
      I also lost my husband and became a widow at 45. He had cancer – married 25 years and 2 boys and a business.
      Keeping up with everything is hard…no one understands it unless you go through it.
      I miss him so much- he was everything to me.

    • Karen  November 13, 2020 at 7:10 am Reply

      Hello Joy,

      I am so sorry for your loss. Like you, I stumbled across this website when I googled grieving. I lost my partner of 7 years suddenly and unexpectedly on August 1, 2020 and I was also the one who found him. He sustained a deep cut accidentally to his knee the day before, I took him to hospital and he was stitched up and sent home. Next day he was complaining of pain in leg and told me to attend his father’s 80th birthday lunch alone because he wasn’t feeling well. After lunch I had few errands to do, visited my parents and had dinner. I called my fiancé many times but he didn’t answered so I thought he was resting. He was a healthy fit man and was never diagnosed with any health issues. When I found him, he was laying on floor, blue and cold. I was hysterical and screaming so loud. I sat next to him until police arrived and made me go outside. They told me he probably went fast and believed a possible blood clot in his injured leg might have caused his death, but not confirmed. I am still waiting for the final autopsy results, was told in 8-10 months. I feel so much guilt. Had I not gone to his dad’s birthday celebration and took him back to hospital, he would still be here with me. I can’t forget the image of finding him and watching his body being wheeled away. I miss him so much and cry everyday. The pain is unbearable. I visit him everyday at the cemetery. I don’t know how I will get through this guilt and pain. Never thought I’d be grieving my partner at age 49.

      Joy, please know that you are in my thoughts and take good care.


  52. Alison Stephens  August 31, 2020 at 12:26 am Reply

    I lost my partner of almost 16 years in 2018 I’m still grieving for him every single day. I’m 37 with 2 boys aged 15 and 13 and I’m scared of moving on with my life as I still miss my partner and Dad to our two boys

  53. Erica  August 17, 2020 at 8:27 pm Reply

    I just lost my husband 08/05/20, he died one week after our 13 year old birthday. And two weeks before his. My husband was 37. We were together 18 years and this November would have made 13 years of marriage. It really hurts, and I don’t know how to go on. But we have two kids that I have to stay strong for. He was in the hospital two weeks prior and released because they said being the hospital said nothing was wrong. His death was not expected which makes it all the worse. I’m only 35 and know the love of my life is gone.

    • Carrie  August 20, 2020 at 9:59 am Reply

      So sorry but i just read your message and thougt it sounded a bit like myself im 37 my partner well wed been engaged 16yrs togethrr since a was 20 died 17 may just there he was 35 a woke up and found him he wasnt unwell this wasnt expected i tried pumping his chest till paramedics ran in and he was gone 2wks and 1 day before our oldest sons 13th birthday and we have another whos only 9 and am numb feel ss if im watching this all happen to someone else he was my bestfriend my everything and dont think id be here if it wasnt for our boys so i feel for you i know how you must be feeling xxx

    • Shawne  August 23, 2020 at 2:22 pm Reply

      I lost my husband on July 19, 2020. He was only 43 years old. We had been together for 6.5 years and married almost 2 years next month. I never thought the night prior would be my last night sleeping next to him. My husband was mentoring a kid with a troubled past and he is the reason my husband is not with me today. My life has been hard and I am attending therapy but nothing seems to be helping at the moment. We didn’t have any children but we were ready to start trying. I pray for peace and love for you and your family.

    • Christine stinnett  August 26, 2020 at 4:13 am Reply

      I’m so sorry my boyfriend of 5 yrs died August 30rd his birthday was August 23rd it was unexpected and he was 41. It’s a new way to live trying to figure it out myself I’m sending you my thoughts and prayers for you and your loss I’m Soo sorry

  54. Hallie  August 17, 2020 at 12:56 am Reply

    March 20,2020
    My darling man, started feeling bad the night before… I slept on the sofa in case it was the stomach flu. He still felt bad in the morning so I gave him some tea and kissed his forehead before going to work. Later he called me at work and was still feeling awful. I came home to discover he had been throwing up blood all day and was in shock. He argued with me about calling an ambulance, saying he was fine. He had a seizure and never woke up. The vomiting caused An aortic aneurysm to rupture and bleed into his stomach.. I am so thankful that I made it home to see him. He wasn’t scared, or in pain and he wasn’t alone.
    He just turned 45
    We were supposed to get married next year… he was picking out a last name for us both. He didn’t like his, it was his adopted father’s and he didn’t feel connected to it.
    I miss him terribly we worked together, and had an awesome life.
    It’s been 5 months and it still is like a gaping wound

    • Christine stinnett  August 29, 2020 at 2:34 am Reply

      Hallie my heart goes out to you my boyfriend died 24 days ago I still don’t know what happened but reading that your love was not scared makes me feel a peace about death . I’m so sorry for your loss truely a different world a different way to live .

  55. Aneesha Saeed  July 31, 2020 at 4:32 pm Reply

    I lost my boyfriend on 6-15-19. I never knew that his time would come this fast. I met him when I was a late teenager, and he was quite a bit older than me, (died at age 40), but we never let age affect our relationship because we loved each other and we were happy with each other so that was all that mattered. We were together for 2 and a half years. The strange thing is is that we met on an online dating site, which may appal some of you, but he was 100% the real deal, tall, handsome, blue-eyed, gravelly, yet soothing voice with a southern accent. We were 430 miles away, but even though our relationship was online and long distance, we still managed to make it work for 2.5 good solid years. He was my world, and I, his. We’ve talked on the phone countless times, I loved him so much, I still do. He passed from an accidental overdose because he needed to take many prescription meds for his mental health and physical health since he’s been in many accidents. His weak body couldn’t take it. What was even weirder was that he had this notion that he was going to die soon, and he’s had this feeling for a while but I denied it because i did not want to agree with him on that and told him he’s going to live for a long time. We even talked on the subject of marriage a couple of times. He was a white man, who didn’t have a strong faith in God, and I am a Muslim whose parents are from Pakistan. Because of that, he’s been nothing but completely respectful, kind, compassionate, understanding, and loyal to me. After he died, i thought i could never find another man like him. I am single right now, and not really looking for anyone at this moment. I hid my relationship with him from my family because I did not want them to react negatively about it, which would end up not letting me talk to him. A day before he passed, I finally opened up to my sister about him and then i told him that i did that. She’s been nothing but understanding and open about it, but wished that i didn’t have to carry that burden on me for so long and told her sooner. i told her about his death and she’s been my support system for that. His friends and family that i contacted with after his death have all been support systems for me, so it was easier grieving. I miss him so much and i love him so much, and it gives me peace knowing he is in a happier, painless place.

  56. mahni  July 28, 2020 at 9:43 am Reply

    some of these comments are shocking. im from the uk and we write our dates day/month/year , always think its strange in the US that they write it month/day/year. the poor woman who wrote it British style is being accused of murder by ‘Fred’ amongst others because it appears that she is saying her husband passed 8 months in the future. get a grip Fred!

    • Litsa  July 28, 2020 at 11:37 am Reply

      Hi Mahni – you’re right – so sorry I didn’t see that comment from Fred and I think you are absolutely right. It appears he was confused by the way dates are written different places around the world. Though we rarely remove comments here, I am going to remove his comment because it is directly attacking and hurtful. Thank you for bringing it to our attention.

      • Rachael  August 12, 2020 at 10:38 pm

        My husband and best friend died in November. He was only fifty-six. I miss him and would really appreciate being part of a supportive community. I left my job to care for him and it seems every single task is overwhelming and exhilarating.

  57. Charles Coons  July 4, 2020 at 10:12 pm Reply

    I lost my best friend, wife, Soul Mate, and Companion on August 12, 2018. We had been together for 12 years and married 9 1/2 years. Mary was 75 when she passed away. Today I’m all alone as my kids have all moved away and we don’t talk anymore. Mary was my third wife but the one I was closest to. With the other two of 32 years I was an over the road truck driver so I saw them little. I spent more time with Mary in our 12 years together. There were things she wanted to do but I never took the time to do them with her. I have learned and want to share with all of you. If there is ever something you want to do or someplace your loved one wanted to do or go to, don’t put it off for tomorrow as often those tomorrows never come. Then you have to live with it the rest of your life as I am doing now. Sweet dreams my love Mary love you husband Charles (Skip)

  58. Zoe Campos  June 29, 2020 at 1:54 am Reply

    Thank you for making me understand that it is perfectly okay for a person to grieve for the hopes and dreams that they lost along with their beloved. I’ve always wondered why my older sister wasn’t able to get over her boyfriend even if he passed on three years ago but your article made me realize that they share memories that she’s not ready to let go of. It might be better if she can seek grief counseling services so she can move on properly without the fear of losing him in her heart.

  59. Eleonora  June 15, 2020 at 1:55 am Reply

    Hi Everyone,

    I’ve been reading all these posts and I can’t believe how common this is. I lost my bf on August 29th, 2019 in Las Vegas as we were celebrating our 5 years together. He died right in front of me in our hotel room. He had a brain aneurysm that killed him within minutes. No one knew, not even himself that he had a brain aneurysm. Life made no sense to me when this happened. We were so happy and then out of nowhere he dies. The sad part is that we had no idea what was happening. I was supposed to get married to this man, even though he didn’t propose yet we were talking about it. He was going to do it in a few months. I had my whole life planned with him and it all changed in a instant. I went totally out of it as it was shocking and extremely painful. I still can’t believe it and my heart still hurts to this day. I went through severe depression, anxiety and even insomnia right about a month after this happened and now with help and medicine, I was able to bring myself back up to normality. Even though I’m more calm now, he comes into my mind everyday, missing him, not understanding how and why this happened but also hoping he’s in a good place. He taught me how humans can have a heart, be polite and see the good in everyone. He was the nicest and most caring man in the midst of many bad apples out there. He was my soul mate, my best friend and my confidant. How do you carry on a life of peace knowing you can’t hold him or hear his voice. It’s hard as I am 30 and thought my life was going to start with this man soon. He would’ve been a good father if we had children as we were expecting to. But I was wondering now you all cope on a regular basis?

    May peace be with all of you as we are going through this unfortunate journey.

    • Cara  July 16, 2020 at 2:43 am Reply

      I’m so sorry for your loss, I too had a similar situation. Mine passed in 2008 in an auto accident. We had our whole lives planned. It’s been 12 years now since, still feels like it was yesterday. Be gentle with yourself, no matter how much time passes it’s still going to hurt. Allow yourself a good cry once in a while. It’s surely helped me cope with losing him.

  60. jane  May 19, 2020 at 8:34 pm Reply

    My husband’s emotional return
    Thanks to you priest manuka for what he has done for me! My husband stopped to fill out the divorce papers after I contacted him to help me stop the divorce with my husband and now things are much better now. As he said, the whole divorce process was canceled and the nasty woman who caused the problem in my marriage was fired by my husband and peace has been restored. Thank you for your help. [lovesolutiontemple1@ gmail. com]

  61. Cristina  May 2, 2020 at 5:21 pm Reply

    Dear Jim,I’m sorry for your loss which is so similar to mine.That’s why I felt the need to reply to you.It’s the first time that I write to someone that I don’t know.I ’m 63.I lost my husband of 31 years last January 26 2019.Already over a year ago.It seems yesterday.I lost him suddenly,unexpectedly.We have no children.He was everything to me.My companion, my best friend, my whole family.Since then I just survive, one day at the time, one day better, one day worse.I can’t even cry.It goes deeper than that.A total devastation, a complete loss of my identity.I don’t recognize myself anymore.I feel that nobody around me really understands what I’m going through.I receive a lot of platitudes from friends that,I know, mean well but that still have their normal lives while I’ve lost everything.And they anger me.I considered suicide but you must have courage to do it and I lost that too.I’m not giving you any soothing words.What happened to us is too terrible for that.I just want to tell you that I can truly understand you and your pain.I am in it myself.You’re not alone.Take care

    • Maria  September 3, 2020 at 2:31 am Reply

      Hi cristina,
      I lost my wonderful husband 3 weeks ago, we were married for 45 years. Like you i feel my world has fallen apart, the emptiness and loneliness id dreadful, we have three amazing children and six gorgeous grandkids who all live close and ate with me most days , but still nothing can take away the pain and fear i feel . I do empathize with how you feel , we all grieve in our own way and there is no time limit on how long tbat will ne , i cant imagine ever feeling how i used to . Take care. Maria.

  62. Laurence  April 8, 2020 at 1:46 pm Reply

    I lost my wife of 30 years to cancer on February 9th of this year. It is coming up on two months and the feelings are as raw or even moreso than the first week after. She was and remains my everything. I feel that I stopped living when she died and that I will never be happy again. If not for my kids, I’m not sure I would even be alive right now. Add to this, the pandemic we are now in and I can’t even be with the friends who have been my support all through her illness. I don’t know what the future holds in store but for now it is waking, eating and sleeping and the sleep doesn’t come until 4:00am. I hurt.

    • Toni  October 2, 2020 at 3:08 pm Reply

      Hi Laurence,

      I am so sorry to hear about your wife, I completely understand how you feel. My husband who was 42 (been together for 23 years) got diagnosed with terminal stomach cancer at the beginning of May this year, chemo was working really well for him although made him unable to eat and he had a food tube. We were planning things to do for the next 2-3 years as this was the time he was given but 3 weeks ago he passed away from pneumonia and I am heartbroken. I’ve never felt pain like it and like you I have two children that are my only reason for carrying on.

      I feel guilt because I was supposed to look after him (he was in hospital when he got the pneumonia), I’m hoping that time will help me get used to a new normal, but he was my soulmate and I honestly don’t think I can ever be truly happy again without him.

      I hope you have managed to find some peace and comfort x

      • Linda  October 30, 2021 at 12:24 am

        Sorry to hear about your loss. I lost my husband due to covid in December 2020, he was my best friend, we did everything in our life together, we didn’t like to go even grocery shopping without each other. I lost my soulmate. We knew each other for 10 years and we were married for 8 years. Life is meaningless without him. He was hospitalized for 40 days, I couldn’t even meet him more because of strict for corona. I can’t believe he won’t come back home again. We were in love, we were happy together.

  63. Eboni Welch  March 29, 2020 at 10:02 am Reply

    My boyfriend of two years died on Christmas just before my birthday . He died 12/25/19 and my birthday is 1/23 . I’m 20 now and he wud be 26 This may . He was my first boyfriend my first love my first everything .. we been the so much together in such little time he was my soulmate he is my soul mate . Everyone keeps telling me I’m young and I’m gonna meet a lot of people but it’s not the Same nothing will be the same . I fear that I will nevr be able to love or to let anyone get close to me bcuz the only person I want is him , the only person I want touching me and sleeping next to me is him. Anyone else wud feel so wrong. I don’t want anybody else I have no desire At ALL for anybody else I only want him. He was my reason to wake up in the morning . I promised him that I wud love no other man and be with no one else that’s not him and how am I supposed to fall in love with someone else how am I to give myself to someone else wen he is the only person I want .

    • Sanjana Priyaranjan  April 6, 2020 at 1:49 pm Reply

      My Boyfriend passed away 26 Days back. 3 weeks before his birthday. He would turn 21. He was the youngest and the brightest in our class. 35 year olds would come running to him for help and he’d gladly be there. That was his sole motto, to make sure people have it easy after him. He died after being carried away by a river current. They all had dived in for a swim. We were on a trip. Today, I just live with guilt, I keep thinking if I could have saved him. He was my most beautiful. I am two years older than him and I feel like somewhere he was my responsibility. I keep wanting him back. With every breath. Life feels pointless today, I don’t have it in me to carry on.

  64. Lorna Burns  March 28, 2020 at 2:30 pm Reply

    I lost my soulmate of 22 years just 4 weeks ago. He died suddenly and unexpectedly. After reading other people’s experiences I know that I can grieve in my own way and at my pace, regardless of anyone else’s opinions. I will love my darling husband always, forever and fiercely. I will love you sweetheart until the very last breath leaves my body and we can be together again. This is not goodbye, but goodnight. Sleep well sweetheart until we meet again.

    • Penelope  September 6, 2020 at 3:30 pm Reply

      Lorna, it is Sunday the day before labor day and I am trying to comfort myself. I lost my beautiful soulmate of 30 years November 19, 2019. I have been sitting at my laptop reading all of these posts because they help me feel less alone. I too feel the need to grieve in my own way and not how people expect me to. The pain is overwhelming at times and I cannot imagine the rest of my life without him. He was my best friend and the only person who knew me. The desire to leave this world and go seek him is very strong. I hope you are right about being together again. I have lost siblings, parents, and friends but the person I will seek out first will be my husband.

    • Shaun  September 6, 2020 at 7:59 pm Reply

      I lost my gurl Tina on August 10 2020. We where trying to protect belongings in the yard from a storm when a tree uprooted landing on her. She past in the backyard I was right next to her when it fell and there was nothing I could do to help. I felt so helpless. I still do. She was 51 with three young adult kids. I’m 38. We where together for 11 great years. This feeling of “why did I ask her to help me” is the worst Iv ever felt. I’ll never understand why it wasn’t me on the side. The crying every other minute still hasn’t stopped. The insomnia has a hold of me like crazy. It’s been 4 weeks Iv lost 25lbs. I don’t know if I’ll ever be normal again. I still have a life to love. I still have to provide, protect, and guide these kids. But everyday I wish I wouldn’t wake up just so I can kiss her again, just to have her put her head on my chest. I just found this page and reading comments here help me know I’m not alone in these feelings. God I just hope it gets a little easier to live. Cuz right now I just don’t want to. God bless anyone who is here because I know what you feel.

  65. Abby  March 11, 2020 at 6:13 am Reply

    I sometimes feel that a part of me died, too. I lost my husband two years ago to aneurysm. It was Family Day at our then 6 year old daughter and she wondered what is taking him so long in the bath. She found him and up to this day, we cry about it. We were together 13 years and it sometimes just so hard to get up. I want to grieve properly and really cry my eyes out but I can’t. I have to be strong for my daughter.

  66. Zac  March 6, 2020 at 12:18 pm Reply

    I lost my fiancé to an overdose just over a year ago. We had just finished shooting dope together and I guess we fell asleep. The dope was cut with fentanyl. I woke up the next morning to him dead in the bed next to me. I have gotten over the crippling depression, but I cannot shake the empty feeling within me. It’s like I’m utterly devoid of any emotion. We both struggled with heroin addiction and would use together daily. I got him hooked on needles and this inevitably led to his demise. Most days I think that it should’ve been me. Fuck, I would give anything to switch places with him. He had so much potential, so much passion. My actions effectively killed him. I got sober, but I can’t help but think that I should intentionally overdose so that I can be with him again. Idk. I just don’t think I can live with the PTSD and survivors guilt anymore. I have nightmares every night. Every. Night. It’s becoming too much.

    • Daniela  April 4, 2020 at 10:17 pm Reply

      I hope your taking care of yourself Zac … you have been through alot but got yourself sober and the best and only way to honor your late fiance is by living your life to the fullest…hope you have support.. doesn’t matter how much times passes we still will hurt from the loss of a loved one.

    • Ambrocia  November 4, 2020 at 4:31 pm Reply

      I can’t still believe i lost my darling,intimate friend, father and my all. He passed away on the 111th of January 2020 while dinning and chatting together then all of a sudden he died of heart attack without having the least time to say good bye. Infact i never knew dead was so easy. In my country we don’t know how to do cpr. So i was so sad i couldn’t help him. We lived a ten years happy love. In our country in “Africa” immediately a woman lost the husband she’s driven away without even having the time to mourn the husband. Inshort the pain is unbearable. All my properties were taken. I was driven out of the house. Am lonely and sad. At times i think of suicide. I cry everyday i sleep in on the floor and wearing just two mourning dresses. Some people are happy and some are sad. Am in a deep sad situation i don’t know if am going to make it again in life.😭😭😭

      • IsabelleS  November 5, 2020 at 11:06 am

        Ambrocia, I am so very sorry for your loss and for the pain you are feeling. I understand what it’s like to feel hopeless… However, please know that there is always hope. Things may never get better, but they will get easier with time. If you are seriously thinking of hurting yourself, or even if you just need someone to talk with, please call the National Suicide Helpline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit their website where you can do a live online chat

  67. Mary  February 26, 2020 at 4:40 pm Reply

    I lost the love of my life on 1/26/2020 of unknown causes. Whatever happened happened fast so I believe it was a clot of some sort. I tried to save him but I couldn’t. How do you continue to live without the love of your life. We were engaged in November, we were family planning and it was all ripped away from me. I am getting tired of hearing “it was just his time to go” or “everything happens for a reason.” What reason was the love of my life ripped away from me? That’s what I say when people tell me that and they cannot give me a reason.

    I just pray every night to not wake up so I can be with him. I cannot live without him. I would never do anything intentionally to hurt myself but I welcome passing in my sleep so I can be with him for eternity.

    I have not dreamed about him nor do I sense him around although I talk to him all the time.

    I am just still in disbelief and it physically aches that he is not here with me.

    • Sam  March 1, 2020 at 1:50 am Reply

      My fiance died horribly on 5/02/2020. The love of my life. He left for work and never came back as he had an accident due to a crash while driving… I’m so devastated and I can’t accept it… He was so healthy and happy more especially becouse I am pregnant with his fist child. It’s so hard everyday I weep hoping this is all a dream… I don’t know where to from here…. I’m in so much pain

      • Fred  April 8, 2020 at 10:12 pm

        Sorry, I meant Sam… not Zach. Why do you try to claim pain that is not your’s??

      • Christine stinnett  August 26, 2020 at 4:23 am

        I just lost my boyfriend of 5 years and didn’t see it comming we have a son he is almost 4 yrs old. You have a baby from him your reason topush and fight the depression I know it’s hard but I’m praying for strength you can push through I really hurt for you and myself but know someone out there cares and are hear if you need a friend

    • eric  March 24, 2020 at 4:06 pm Reply

      wow I lost my girl on the same day we been together 28 years

    • Ute Kenyon  March 25, 2020 at 9:56 am Reply

      Hy Mary my boyfriend died on the 12.02.2020 on our holiday cruise and they said it was a heart attack. He fell over in a second and I tried everything to get him back into life but it didnt work. He died in my arms before the ambulance came and I cant get over it. It hurts so much and he was the love of my life. I dont know how to carry on. I miss him every second of the day and always hope he is somewhere around me even I cant see him. He asked me last September if I will marry him one day and I said yes. I promised him from the day he died that I will marry him one day when I see him again. But till then I have to live my life because thats what he wanted me to do and I will do it for him. I feel lost the same as you but I hope i can be strong for him.

    • Edel  October 7, 2020 at 4:39 am Reply

      Hi Mary
      Your story is so similar to mine and I also have the same feelings
      My partner passed away on the 3rd of September 2020 and it’s still so raw for me
      He woke up and went to work and never came home to me he just sunddenly died I still can’t understand why this as happened us we were just inseparable we were best friends everything we did together I was the happiest girl in the world and I don’t think I’ll ever feel ok again I stay up all night asking myself questions why me why us I look at his pictures videos and just cry I don’t think one day has went by scence he was taking from me that I don’t cry I get angry too especially when people say oh your young now edel you need to be strong and get on with your life
      This is impossible in my eyes I need my man to do this
      I feel sorry that he had to leave me because I know his heart is broke too
      The only thing that keeps me strong is we have a little boy together and he loved him with all his heart this is why I keep going
      And I know when my man was taking he died knowing how much we loved him and we know how much he loved us ❤️
      Keep thinking of your good memories together Mary it will keep you going and cry when ever you want it helps

  68. bill millette  February 17, 2020 at 12:22 pm Reply

    In 2016, my wife of 38 years, partner of 46 years passed. I am still in disbelief. I read recently where , for some, the death of a loved one results in a form of PTSD. I am just now realizing how hard it has hit me. I do not like to be around people. I do not want to go to a party. When my best friends invite me to any function, I ask if it is just us. If not I will not go. I let everything slide. I have no interest in most things. My lifetime interest in football is at a stage where I still go to the games only to spend time with my best friend , who , with his wife are the only two friends I have left. My lifelong reading habit is dead. I used to read up to two books a week. I have not read a book in 4 years. I spend most of my life sitting in front of my PC watching the news. What I see is depressing and not family oriented happenings. I have a family member that really needs my help. If not for his need and my love for him, I wish I were dead. (in jail, but seems to be over drug addiction. 33 years old and has yet to acquire a marketable skill. The last time he was home with me, I did not see a single sign of drug use. Really thought he had turned the corner, but then he failed to return his probation officer’s calls and they put him in jail for a year. His wife ,lives with me–no job, no skills and ,I believe she needs psychological help. Also believe she is cheating on my son. Just too much to cope with. Trying hard to focus more on my happy religious belief that my wife and I will be together when I pass. Hard to do when I miss her so much.

    • Sandra  February 21, 2020 at 10:43 am Reply

      I relate to Bill

  69. Maedelyn  February 17, 2020 at 9:27 am Reply

    I just lost my boyfriend a month ago, I have been crying a lot but now I am numb and scared, feels like crying but I cannot cry, I couldn’t sleep all the memories in the hospital As he struggle for 3 weeks Keeps haunting me. I just miss him so much!

  70. Tina  February 11, 2020 at 12:18 pm Reply

    Last April 14 I lost my boyfriend (68 Yrs old) to a brain aneurysm! We were together 14 yrs 2 months and 6 days. He was my everything, the love of my life, my soulmate, my coach, my partner, my best friend, my lover, my rock and my adventure buddie. We had been through many ups, downs and adventures in our 14 yrs. I was thankful everyday that God brought him into my life. He made it complete, like the B side of an album! We had a great love of the Sport of Bowling. He coached me and nurtured my desire to improve and become a better bowler. In doing this, I was able to travel places, do and see things that I would have not been able to do otherwise. I find it difficult to do these things and go to the places that we once went alone. I desire someone to share these things with. However, I feel there will never be another like him and I keep looking for those qualities in my new aquantences. I miss him so much and I constantly ask for his opinion, even though I know I will not hear his answers!

    Missing Pookie Everyday!
    Sugar Bear

    • Sandra  February 21, 2020 at 12:15 am Reply

      I spent 45 days in the hospital recently. Moved my husband to a rehab one day. They killed him

      • Fred  April 8, 2020 at 10:28 pm

        WTF Sandra??? That’s dark and. Wet ominous!! What really happened??

  71. Jttalways  February 10, 2020 at 1:10 am Reply

    I lost my husband on 9/24/19. He battled MPAL leukemia for 1 year and 8 months. He was on life support for a day and a half in ICU before he passed. He was 35 years old. We been together since we were teenagers and married for 15 1/2 years. We have 1 teenage son. Not a minute goes by where I don’t think of him and not a day goes by where I don’t miss him.

  72. Spirit Buell  January 25, 2020 at 12:40 pm Reply

    My fiancee basically husband Phillip Lee Levan and i have that kind of love that is once in a blue moon. We are not just soulmates we are each other’s soul. And on Christmas day I had to watch as my soul got ripped into pieces as he unexpectedly passed at 29 yrs old from a blood clot that went to his lungs. Well the doctors worked on him for 45 minutes with no luck until the second he heard my voice in the hallway. His heart beat again and oxygen started to rise once they got me by his head and I was able to touch him and whisper in his ear. They was able to stop the chest compression machine and put him on regular life support. Well instead of just taking him to surgery to remove or break up the remainder clot in his lungs they took him to CT to prove it was blood clots. Which I don’t understand considering they was already suctioning them out of his lungs and was 100% sure it was clots. And they only allowed his oxygen to get to 14% before taking to a ct scan But while he was in CT I heard code blue over the intercom and that’s when my whole world slipped away. Not even 4 minutes later the doctor came and told me they wasn’t even gonna try that he is gone. As I watched them wheel him past me. Exactly 1 mth from today.
    I feel l completely empty and dieing inside. Which I know I’m not as his soul is inside me and mine when went with him. Until his heart stops beating in my chest then our souls can reunite. It physically hurts to be away from him. I have already had 6 mini heart attacks and was diagnosed with broken heart syndrome. I know have to keep forcing myself forward for our boys but it isn’t getting easier. It’s getting harder and harder.

    • Ken  February 6, 2020 at 8:50 am Reply

      Spirit Buell, I can’t begin to know what you are going through but your post resonated with me in so many ways. My darling wife Giuseppina (Gio) and I went on holiday to France, from England, to finish editing a book we had written together. We did absolutely everything together and were each other’s best friend and soul-mate, if there is such a thing. After finishing the edit we went out for a celebratory meal which included oysters and the following morning she felt sick and fainted, so we assumed she had eaten a bad oyster. A few hours later things got considerably worse. She lost consciousness and was foaming at the mouth. When the paramedics arrived her heart stopped and I watched, as if in a living nightmare, whilst they pounded on her chest giving CPR. We were on vacation… this isn’t supposed to happen on vacation. With no symptoms, no poor medical history she had suffered a DVT in her leg which travelled to her lungs to cause a pulmonary embolism. She lingered in a coma for 5 days until her heart gave out for a 4th time. This time she did not recover and she passed in a French hospital on the morning of what would have been our 42nd wedding anniversary. 5 months later I still feel so desparately alone, so lost. We had planned to do so much more together when I retire in just 2 years time. Now I feel my life is over and has no point. I just published the book we wrote in her memory, I need her to have a legacy of some sort. But now I have done that I need to do more to continue to feel close to her. She was Italian and I am taking classes to improve my language skills for her to feel proud of me in some way. I am so sorry I didn’t try harder whilst she was alive. Next year I am planning a 100km pilgrimage to Rome in her memory. Maybe I’m acting weird but I feel if I can keep honoring her name then I will stay close to her whatever may come.

    • Sandra  February 21, 2020 at 12:20 am Reply

      I feel the same. My husband soul is in me. I understand. Lost him 3 months ago.

  73. Karen  January 20, 2020 at 5:57 pm Reply

    Such a great summary and a good reminder for when I feel like I should be just getting on with it all better!! Yes yes yes to pretty much all those things. Thank you for reminding me its ok not to be ok xx

  74. sarah12  January 15, 2020 at 6:58 pm Reply

    I lost my boyfriend on 13 August 2018 due to a car crash. We had been dating for three years so its safe to say we knew each other in and out. He was my best friend and my boyfriend all in one. I didn’t have any close friends because he would always stand by me. One minute I think I have accepted what destiny had in store and the next minute I find myself going through a heartache that no one can heal, I still find myself crying at night even until today. loosing someone who means everything to you can never be easy. And now I can never truly give my heart to any other person. Not in the way i gave it to him. Even in death he is still my number one and will forever be.

    • Keisha  January 21, 2020 at 10:59 pm Reply

      How are you coping now? I lost my boyfriend recently as well and it’s the end of my world.

      • Cynthia  March 31, 2020 at 5:05 pm

        I lost my boyfie too buh in last year October .I totally relate .take one day at a time .ever missed someone so much till your heart and chest aches physically ..

  75. Tammie  January 6, 2020 at 3:54 am Reply

    On October 31,2019, I lost my fiance I James. I was at home when the daycare that we both went to called me. M y world came crashing down . We had just celebrated his birthday and we got engaged to get married. He was going to buy me a ring. So in that time that I had him, I was caught up in my drug addiction I hid it from him for 2 months.. When he died a large part of me died too. So the week before Thanksgiving , I told my mom that I wished that I was dead, my mom told me to go ahead. I took four different pills and I passed out at the kitchen table. I’m still dealing with his death everyday I think about him and I miss him. Trying to move on is very hard to let go of the life we had.

  76. Sissy Mertens  January 5, 2020 at 8:15 pm Reply

    I lost my soulmate 27 days ago. He was 20.. It was an accidental overdose. We both battled addiction for a long time, him about 3 years, me just 1. We didn’t realize how bad of a problem it really was. He went to jail multiple times, different rehab facilities, but there was no stopping what he already had made up in his mind. We split a perk 30 that morning on Dec 9, what I didn’t know was that he also took a Xanax. I know he didn’t tell me because he knew I didn’t approve. The whole day was relatively normal, but around 6:30 he went to bed. I joined him a little later, he was breathing weird but I didn’t suspect much of anything as he always snored funny. We were dating for 6 months… in-love for a year. Our connection was instant and immediately stronger than any other relationship we had in our lives. I started falling asleep then noticed it was too quiet, his breathing stopped. I am 18 years old. I had to do CPR on my best friend, wait for the police to arrive, only for them to tell me it is too late. We were just cuddling in bed… every day feels impossible and thinking about the future brings so much pain. Disassociation is HUGE. I never recognize myself or remember anything or feel like life is real at all. I go through the motions and feel either numb or devastated at all times. Seeing all of these comments just makes me have more anger for the world. What are we supposed to do?? I don’t care about moving on and loving someone else… I just need Alex. We never got to get married, or have our kids we planned, or get our RV, or even finish COLLEGE. I know I am lucky to have had that extraordinary love and live with my soulmate, but it was not enough.

    • Keisha  January 21, 2020 at 11:02 pm Reply

      I lost my bf of 3 years earlier this month too and I feel like I died with him. I don’t want to be in the world anymore. I hate not being by his side.

      • Briana  February 22, 2020 at 7:00 pm

        Yea i lost my bf of two years a couple days ago and it’s just not a world I want to live in anymore if he’s not going to live it with me. Honestly the only thing that makes me less depressed is knowing that when I pass I’ll see him again. But other than that, I feel hopeless and don’t want to be here. But it also makes me feel better to know that I’m not alone and other people feel exactly what I feel.

    • Briana  February 22, 2020 at 5:41 pm Reply

      I lost my boyfriend the same way just two days ago and he was only 18 years old. I know exactly how you feel when you say you don’t want to be with anyone else and don’t care to look for anyone else. We were supposed to grow old together and do so many things. It just wasn’t enough time. It just feels like you have nothing going for you in life anymore and no purpose to live anymore. All I wish is to see him and for us to be together again when I pass. You’re definitely not alone. I’m not sure if you believe in god or a higher power but you will see him again and he’s watching over you everyday.

  77. heidy  January 4, 2020 at 12:37 pm Reply

    I met my husband on feb 3 2013, and we fell in love with each other right away, 3 months later we got married. life with him was the best, I love him very much, he was my everything my best friend, my to go person, we have so many dreams and plans for our future, we were planning on having a child on 2020, unfortunately he passed away on Dec 11 2019 and I feel like I’m dying with out, I cried a lot, i feel so much pain in my heart, he was the love of my life and hurts deeply knowing that I’m not going to see him anymore, i miss him sooooooooooooooooooooo much.

    • Kristy  January 21, 2020 at 3:02 pm Reply

      I know exactly how u feel. I lost my husband January 12, 2020 I’m lost and broken

  78. Emily Kavanagh  December 31, 2019 at 10:10 am Reply

    I lost my husband of almost 3 years suddenly and unexpectedly on Dec. 16, 2019. We have a 20 month old daughter who we adored and I still adore. There are no words. He was my best friend and the love of my life. I have been through all of the emotions (sadness, anger, etc.) and have cried so many tears. I have been doing the logistics and it hurts. I will make sure our daughter knows all about her father when the time is right.

  79. Liz  December 30, 2019 at 12:59 am Reply

    My hubby passed away Early Saturday morning, December 1st, 2018. it is devastating and I have resigned myself to knowing that I will NEVER get over it. One can only cope with what life hands you. When we met, we knew we were meant to be together. We used to talk about this all the time. He was older than me, but we knew that we completed each other in every way. He would think something and I would give him a call and mention just what he was thinking. He might think of going out to dinner at the place we loved, and I would call him and say, “Hey, why don’t we take the kids and go out to dinner tonight at the place we love.” It makes me smile now, but there are times it makes me cry. I cannot describe how much I miss him – I miss him more than my life. We loved each other “to the moon and back.” I see him in our son’s eyes and heart. It pains me. It will always pain me.

    I talk to him as much as I can. On the way to work, on the way home, during the day etc. The Christmas after his passing, I was numb. Now this is the second Christmas, and I still feel numb. I have found though that keeping things around that were his special stuff – like his favorite jacket vest and hat…makes me feel close to him. I have some favorite pictures of him around and I at least am able to talk about him to my co-workers and friends without always breaking down…Not all the time, but more often now. He was a great man and I feel his presence – some days more than others. He always said – we have each other…now I am both of us. I used to tell him – “you are IT and there will never be another – you are IT!” He would smile.

    For those who are grieving, find and keep the things the your spouse treasured and keep them in view and keep them around. When it gets too much, take a break and try to nap to regain your strength especially if you have kids. Never give up talking to them. I believe they hear you. I gotta believe that.

    It helped me to go to the places we used to go to. Was it hard? YEP! But I can go there more now that I did it initially and I can feel him there. You will never forget them and I believe they will never forget you. They would not want you to be sad and despondent. Just figure that out that you would not want them to feel that way had it been reversed. I cannot tell you that I will never be sad but maybe I am a little less sad and a little more remembering the funny and good times we had. My heart is broken and I cry at night and I know that will never change but I know that I can make that feeling a little better by remembering his infectious smile, the way he ALWAYS had a Plan B, the way he would laugh, talk, just his ways. We loved each other well and that will never go away. But we all have to figure out how to cope with it, and not have it take a hard toll on us.

    I hope this helps those who feel this is the end of life as you know it. I know that if I don’t go on, how will he go on. Until we are together again…I show him how I love him. We send up a single helium balloon on his birthday, holidays, and special days like anniversaries. It helps. I donated some of his clothes and did it in small amounts. I am keeping all the favorite things of his and I keep something of his in every room. He had a favorite shirt and believe it or not, I keep it on the bed and our two cats ALWAYS lay on that shirt. No where else…just on his shirt.

    I’m writing a book all about him, his life, and our life together. It helps. I have assembled pictures of him and us and the kids etc. and it helps. I didn’t think I could watch any of the shows we watched together, but now I did that and I feel like he is there watching with me. You have to try to balance it and you have to try things that help you through it.

    We cannot do it alone, but sometimes that is how it is. I think the worst thing is – In the last 10 years of my parents life, hubby and I took care of my parents visiting, caring, and doing just about everything for them. They loved my husband as their own son. I have 2 brothers and they did not visit and hardly did anything to help. When my hubby started having some physical issues, neither lended a hand. Sad isn’t it? After my husband passed, I could have used having a real brother talk with me and visit me and help me get through it…nothing! That was hard for me too. So, here is what I say about that. I am grieving and it has now been over a year and I have not heard anything from my brothers. I know if this was them, I would be there for them and I know that my hubby would have done the same. You have to deal with things you get handed…and now I have resolved myself to the fact that I am technically an only child. This is irreparable hurt that cannot be fixed at this point. I feel they never cared about us and probably were happy that we took care of Mom and Dad and they didn’t have to be bothered. We did everything right and I know i did the right thing. They will have to look themselves in the mirror and if they have a conscience, it will bother them someday…

    For now, I am managing the coping. I wish all you well. Pray, Eat, and keep the Love in your heart of your loved ones.

    • Candice Van Den Berg  December 31, 2019 at 3:00 am Reply

      I just lost my husband and Bestfriend 10 days ago he was 26 and I’m only 35.. It’s so open and fresh it’s painful but reading this shined a light on how I feel and what’s to come. I needed to read that. My kids (3 & 10) need me to go on. Thank you

    • Chris Michaels  January 3, 2020 at 10:43 pm Reply

      Your post touched my broken heart. Thank you. I am sitting here crying and thinking about all the same things you write about. Its very hard to live after losing your best friend. I lost my wife Christine on 6 December a few weeks ago. We were married 35 years. I will NEVER get over this either…so true and people just don’t understand. Fortunately, the boys are grown but they are taking the loss very hard. I am trying to be there for them. Right now I am just trying to get through the night. God Bless and I am very sorry for the loss of your best friend and husband. Regards. Chris

    • Tom Buchler  January 23, 2020 at 10:42 am Reply

      Liz. Thank you for showing the courage to share this real truth about what you are going through. I want you to know that you are touching people with your honesty and brokenness including myself.

    • Venesia  August 18, 2020 at 7:56 am Reply

      I relate to your pain and hope I can see a glimmer of hope in future.

    • Wayne  November 13, 2020 at 11:09 am Reply

      Liz you have my prayers i lost the love of my life on 3/28/19 what you said on Dec 30/19 at 12:59 your’e reply could been said by me she would think about something and i would give her the answer she would say we will always together we meet at 16 & 17 year oldes at Birthday party of a mutual friend she said i was with another date that night, But suddenly i looked across the room into the eyes of a man i knew i would share my life with. I felt so good and I couldn’t wait to talk to him. When our eyes meet i wasn’t sure that she was really looking at me i looked behind me and no one was there i couldn’t believe she was looking at me the most beautiful girl in the room was really looking at me i felt like i was on the top of the world the Everly brothers song all i have to do is Dream was on so i asked her to dance we’ll she jumped off the couch like something bit her scared the hell out of me that was the Love of my life 2 children 2 grand children she met everything to me little did we know that Glioblastoma in the brain would take my love away from all of us on 3/28/19 14 Day’s and my Love was gone my Love wanted the song of are first dance together played at the church all i have to do is Dream my Love wanted me to pick one i picked unchained Melody by the Righteous brothers i kissed her lips and her closed eye a tear came out i said it’s okay to go if you need to go we will all be sad i LOVE YOU i step back my Love took one more breath and then she was gone. I’m so sad so lost in Connecticut we need help in coping with this broken heart and pain [PHONE NUMBER & EMAIL REMOVED]

    • Cameron  December 14, 2020 at 10:45 pm Reply

      I totally agree with you’re story i was with my girl for 5.5yrs and i came home and she had passed away from a heart attack from heavy drinking with me daily she was my best friend she was my shnoog my wife she tryed to talk to me every chance she could we allways cared about each other’s feelings and looked after one another every step of the way i looked forward to every single day cuz she was in my life i remember bragging about her at work that day as i usually did I’m sooooo glad i for the most part i never said any stupid mean drunk comments to my love it’s bin 3 of the hardest month’s of my life and i miss her every second of every day

  80. Still Livin  December 18, 2019 at 7:09 pm Reply

    The holiday blues, yep I know what they are. Last year I was numb and couldn’t feel anything, my first Christmas without him. This Christmas I am feeling everything; issues with sadness, loneliness, and regret.

    Losing the one person who knew me best and loved me anyway is a real loss. My love for him has not dissipated or changed. He is missed everyday, I compare it to having your legs cut off. Every movement takes extra effort and reminds you of what you are missing.

    On another note;
    I don’t know that he is ok, or where ever he is at. All I do know for certain is that I am not ok where I am at. And it’s the fucking holidays.

  81. Boggs  December 16, 2019 at 8:48 am Reply

    I lost my beloved fiancé 2 days ago. It was Saturday morning. We had plans to go to a party that evening and Sunday I was supposed to go wedding dress shopping with my mom and his mom and our sisters. We planned a funeral instead. He passed away next to me in bed, we were doing the thing every couple in love does on an easy Saturday morning. When it was over he died. I’m an ER nurse and I couldn’t save him. I don’t feel real right now. I love him.

    • Gratiana  December 17, 2019 at 11:17 am Reply

      I understand this statement that “you don’t feel real.” I feel the same absence of reality. I lost my partner, the love of my life and future husband, the person I imagined living the rest of my life with. I lost him only 5 months ago at the end of June. He died due to complications from a tonsillectomy. A tonsillectomy! It seems like this life is cruel joke. He passed away tragically in the ambulance—he asphyxiated and by the time he reached the hospital there was nothing they could do to save him. He was 28 years old, healthy and strong. Everyday feels unreal. I keep expecting to wake up from this nightmare and find him cuddling next to me. I know that these words may not be comforting, but at least know that you are not alone in your pain and that what you feel is normal, because it is true. I’m so sorry for what’s happened to you.

      • Anthony Cudd  December 28, 2019 at 7:58 pm

        I am so sorry to hear this,insist my Beautiful wife dec 14th,it crushed me ,I’m so lost also and I dont know wat to do.

    • Luz Montesdeoca  December 25, 2019 at 8:14 pm Reply

      So sorry for your loss, very sad

    • Candice Van Den Berg  December 31, 2019 at 3:02 am Reply

      This made me cry. Just lost my husband 10days ago. He collapsed at home and being cpr certified as a medical professional I thought how could I not save him. I read that and balled my eyes out. I guess my not alone in that feeing

  82. Catherine Deal  November 21, 2019 at 6:43 pm Reply

    I lost my husband on 1-26-2018, I have written here before. I just wanted to encourage you to not become isolated, and to maybe seek out a group or therapy where you can talk to and listen to others who have lost loved ones. Sometimes friends and family may not know how to relate to your loss. I joined a Meet Up group that helped define grief and what to expect, it helped me to see that I wasn’t alone in this phase of life. It also let me know that it’s OK not to be OK.

    I pray for all of you who are on this journey.

    • John  December 10, 2019 at 6:55 pm Reply

      Great place to listen to other people greiving…lost my wife of only one and a half years married to a head on collision
      on Nov 24th 2019….the pain is unbearable…she was my life
      in an instant our dreams of growing old together gone….hard to imagine life without her but I am taking it one day at a time.

  83. Laura rothstein  November 20, 2019 at 11:10 pm Reply

    I lost my boyfriend of 7 years when I was 21 and he was 22. He was my first true love and when he died a big part of me died. To lay out how significant it is when a partner dies, figure this. I’m now 31, 2 kids, new relationship and the pain still gets to me. I am much better than I was years ago but I still think of Chris. Bc we grew up together when chris died I feel like a huge part of me died with him. I still talk to him and wish I could tell him all the good and gard times I’ve experienced. I wish he could meet my kids, I know he would love them. I wish I could talk to him and not only in my dreams. All I can say is time goals your wounds and it doesn’t hurt so bad after awhile. I’m blessed to have my children, they saved me.

  84. Aneesha  November 15, 2019 at 10:10 pm Reply

    I lost my boyfriend on 6-15-19. I never knew that his time would come this fast. I met him when I was a late teenager, and he was quite a bit older than me, (died at age 40), but we never let age affect our relationship because we loved each other and we were happy with each other so that was all that mattered. We were together for 2 and a half years. The strange thing is is that we met on an online dating site, which may appal some of you, but he was 100% the real deal, tall, handsome, blue-eyed, gravelly, yet soothing voice with a southern accent. We were 430 miles away, but even though our relationship was online and long distance, we still managed to make it work for 2.5 good solid years. He was my world, and I, his. We’ve talked on the phone countless times, I loved him so much, I still do. He passed from an accidental overdose because he needed to take many prescription meds for his mental health and physical health since he’s been in many accidents. His weak body couldn’t take it. What was even weirder was that he had this notion that he was going to die soon, and he’s had this feeling for a while but I denied it because i did not want to agree with him on that and told him he’s going to live for a long time. We even talked on the subject of marriage a couple of times. He was a white man, who didn’t have a strong faith in God, and I am a Muslim whose parents are from Pakistan. Because of that, he’s been nothing but completely respectful, kind, compassionate, understanding, and loyal to me. After he died, i thought i could never find another man like him. I am single right now, and not really looking for anyone at this moment. I hid my relationship with him from my family because I did not want them to react negatively about it, which would end up not letting me talk to him. A day before he passed, I finally opened up to my sister about him and then i told him that i did that. She’s been nothing but understanding and open about it, but wished that i didn’t have to carry that burden on me for so long and told her sooner. i told her about his death and she’s been my support system for that. His friends and family that i contacted with after his death have all been support systems for me, so it was easier grieving. I miss him so much and i love him so much, and it gives me peace knowing he is in a happier, painless place.

    • Ali  November 17, 2019 at 8:11 pm Reply

      My wife passed away nov 2 2019 at the age of 31 we have a 10 month old daughter iam a muslim and she was white but she converted to Islam it’s so tough losing a love one I was single for a very long time till I met her the day she came into my life i knew it was true love and i was going to make her my wife we were together for 5 years and it was the best 5 years of my life it’s such a tough time for me and my daughter right now only thing that helps is prayers life has turned into a emotional roller coaster I can understand what you are going through it’s very hard

      • Aneesha  December 22, 2019 at 11:47 pm

        I think it is difficult for wanting to spend time with someone who was very culturally different. Sometimes i get afraid if i have upset God for being in a relationship with a man who was not only outside of my race and religion, but also one who came from a really rough background. it was why i never told my mother.

      • Samiha Akram  January 5, 2020 at 6:44 pm

        My husband too aged 34 and I have a four year old. Keeps asking about his dad 🙁

    • Esperanza  December 6, 2019 at 3:05 am Reply

      Hello Aneesha I 100% understand you, my boyfriend pass away a month ago, he was twice my age and it was a hidden relationship from my dad and family . I am so broken and I feel so empty and lost and life without him is scary. I just hope one day I can learn how to live with the pain.

      • Aneesha  December 22, 2019 at 11:52 pm

        I have heard of statistics of short marriages because of large age gaps, but really i think age is just a number. as long as you love each other that is all that matters. i didnt see it as being disgusting when i was with him. honestly, i just do not find guys my age (19) very mature because girls mature faster than guys. i prefer older men who know what they want. and i am aware that even guys above 30 act like stupid teenagers, but men like my boyfriend who passed, with exceptional maturity and loyalty are what i look for. i just wish people to stop staring at couples who seem to have a bit of an age gap. men my age are still boys, i prefer men, not boys. and my boyfriend was quite the gentleman i loved

      • phezy  December 23, 2019 at 10:46 am

        hi Esperanza
        i can defiantly relate to your pain my man was twice my age am 27 now he died 48 , i love him very much. i miss him everyday ,
        i cry everyday , he passed on 20-11-2019, am feeling lonely unbearable pain . i miss him sooooooooo much

  85. John Emerson  November 4, 2019 at 2:41 pm Reply

    My wife died 9-8-2019. She was 53 years old, I am 58 years old. We have a 14 year old daughter. My wife was sick for a long time and was in the hospital for a long time.. the day before my wife went to the hospital, our dog new there was something wrong with my wife, he went on to the couch were my wife was and laid on my wife stomach. I lost my job in june of this year also . I have no family but my daughter. I am so lonely and depressed without my wife, I miss her so much. We were married one month short of 26 years. John

    • Sue  November 25, 2019 at 6:06 am Reply

      I am so sorry for you. My husband passed last week and I am having a dreadfully time. I don’t feel like living anymore.

      • Carrie-anne Healy  December 5, 2019 at 11:36 am

        My boyfriend passed away 24th Aug 18 and I know exactly how you feel. I’m really starting to struggle without him. We was together 2and a half years and spent everyday together. We was each other’s best friends. We had talked about marriage and were trying for a baby before he became ill with pneumonia. He spent 2 months in and out of hospital and died of heart failure. To this day there hasn’t been a day when I don’t think about him. I find it hard talking to people who haven’t lost a partner as friends are telling me to don’t be afraid to love again and it’s time to move on but it’s easier said then done when you are completely in love with someone. You can’t just switch those feelings off. I’ve had friends recently get married and announce pregnancies and I have to pretend I’m happy for them when I’m crushed inside. I wish each day that I could just go to sleep and not wake up but I wouldn’t want to put my family through this so I am living in a nightmare.

      • Linda Ritaoja  December 15, 2019 at 2:58 am

        I recognise so much of what you’re writing and basically feel exactly the same way. My partner, whom I was living with for the last 2.5 years, suddenly died unexpectedly on the 5th of November 2019. I am devastated. According to the autopsy results, he died of a brain hemorrhage. I can’t understand why he didn’t get a proper check-up long time ago, as I’ve told him so many times that all the headaches that he had wasn’t a normal thing to have so often. And I don’t understand why he didn’t take medicine against high blood pressure when he knew he should. His death is so unnecessary, and so much more tragic because of it. I think it could have been prevented. I don’t know anymore if I believe in fate and that it’s all predetermined when we’re supposed to pass away. I don’t know what to believe anymore, but he shouldn’t have died at the age of 39. We had finally met, late in life, and were so “glued” together due to circumstances as well as strong love and affection. We were supposed to be together till we get very old. How I can go on living without him is incomprehensible, and I can’t believe how horrible this thing called life can be. My partner was full of life. I feel so sorry and sad for him for not having the chance to realise all his plans. We had just moved to Finland where I am from together, and had started a new life. It lasted less than 4 months. And I am completely unable to live without him. I feel like a ghost. I am still waiting to wake up from this nightmare.

    • Luz Montesdeoca  December 25, 2019 at 8:32 pm Reply

      Don’t give up. You are going through so much. I pray your child will provide the strength you need to get better. My husband died on 9/18/2019, cancer devastates everyone. We need to find motivation from their memories and the love we shared.

  86. Mary Hilton  October 31, 2019 at 10:13 pm Reply

    I have just lost my husband of 34 years today-we’d been together for 7 more before that. It’s hard. It’s very hard when one has to deal with an illness that just would not stop, the pain he faced would not stop-the anger, guilt and pain always eating at you because he was always sick, and you don’t want him to be in pain and you can’t make it stop, ever.
    We’d hoped he was getting better-but it didn’t work out that way. He went into the hospital just about a week ago (and had been again, and again), and never made it out alive. He deteriorated after a botched procedure put him into a semi-coma. He never regained consciousness..and when the time came, it was my decision to end his suffering. It came down to me. Nobody else. It was just the two of us. There was no other way. He would not have done any better anytime. I knew it. I knew before I was asked that I would have to do this. When I saw him collapsed on the hospital bed, breathing so badly, I knew. It was over.
    I knew then he would not be back. He never opened his eyes again.
    Nobody on earth should ever have to do this. Never. It’s beyond pain.
    Oh, I know..he would not have wanted to be put on trach, he would never improve, he would not have done any better, and he was going to die..but to be given the choice, I just would like to have him back at home bitching at me about the politics, the stupid people out there, and so on. We were always talking at each other, sharing each other’s passions..complaints, and joys.
    Intellectually I know it was the only thing I could do. Ethically and morally. But the pain has started and so have the tears because I’ve lost the only man I’ve loved for the past 41 years and he’s not coming from the hospital or anywhere, ever again.
    It’s indescribable. It’s horrendous, surreal and bizarre to be alone with nothing more than memories and belongings.
    Thankfully I had a hospice team bring us through it, but it doesn’t lessen the emptiness that I came home to, and will come home to every single day of the remainder of my life.
    Sure, we had a up and down life, but I would not have traded it for anything..and now that he’s gone, I wish I had it back..and him as well. I’m grieving right now, and expect to for the rest of my life-but I also know he would not have wanted me to crawl into a hole and die.
    But damn it all, I loved him and I miss him with all my heart, and wish it would not have happened. Getting older doesn’t make you wiser-it just reminds you of the frailty of life.
    I hope I find peace in the coming days, months and years. I will always treasure having had this life with him. I know he’s not in pain anymore and is at peace. During the last few minutes of his life I lay in the bed beside him and held him. I hope (and believe) that he knew I was there, holding him. I hope I helped him transition. I just wish I had someone to hold me to tell me it will get better. But I know there is nobody else.
    It does comfort me though (my sister in law mentioned it) that the 2nd is All Soul’s Day..and he’s become a soul.
    I came across the site looking for something to read to help through my grief.
    It has been so helpful to know that I’m not alone.
    All I can say is peace be with us all.

  87. cheryl  October 30, 2019 at 7:07 pm Reply

    I lost my husband on the 21st of October 2017 from liver failure. He was seeing a Dr. for a transplant when an infection went out of control. I will never ever forget the day the Dr told me he can’t do the liver transplant. I told the Dr. if you dont Sam will die.and the Dr said yes he will. I was with Sam till he died. I still grieve as much today as the day he died. My heart aches for him so. I miss him so much that I can not even breathe sometimes. It doesn’t get better with time . I just don’t let people know how much I hurt because most friends and acquaintances or family members don’t understand the hurt because they have not had anything like this happen to them. Sam and I were married and together for 32 years. He was my second husband. He was how a real husband should be. Family was important to him and we loved each other so much. Someone told me the other day about some man that was single and we should go on a date. I told them I will NEVER date anyone. Sam is /was the only one for me ever. Oh, by the way, to those that was so happy to point out the typos that others made when pouring their hurt and grief out I don’t care if I have Typo errors or my pronunciation isn’t correct. This is written by me who is grieving and hurting so much that I don’t care if I have typos . People like you are insensitive . Keep it to yourself

  88.  October 23, 2019 at 10:41 pm Reply

    My husband and I were ,arrived 66 years, I was 16 he was 19. We knew we loved each other so much, had 2 sons accomplished much since not having graduated from high school. I have now lost the only wonderful ,an in my life. He died on sept. 23rd and he knew I was with him I sang to him our love song to young.have wonderful family hope I join up with him on heaven

  89. Kyle  October 23, 2019 at 8:12 pm Reply

    I just lost my girlfriend of 7 years who i fully expected to be with forever (Lived together for over 6 years). She was 33. I’m 31 and basically a widower. I have no idea what to do. I’m so scared.

    • Nooshin  November 7, 2019 at 12:09 am Reply

      Dear Kyle, September 28, 2017 I lost my boyfriend who I had onlyI knew for 1/5 years to suicide. From first day I met him, He colored my world’s so beautiful with all respect, Love, Carries….etc..that any woman wish to have, I had it all. He was such an awesome, warmth and funny person that I wouldn’t ever think of his act. Well he had a dark secret, which coast him to take his own life for any reason he had in his mind. I loved him more than anything in this world. For first time after my dad passed away I felt safe again. Till that happened. I lost it! I don’t even remember when I went to his house, when his dad opened the door and grabbed me, and crying! When he said Eric my love was gone. I just fainted. I don’t remember what happened after till I woke up at hospital. I thought that was a dream or I was in coma. But when I turned my face saw his sister sitting by my bed I realized no that was real….. was really heart still now my heart it’s shattered. Either I’m happy or sad I always remember him. Our times and how special he made me feel. And no I’m not talking about materialistic, I’m talking about respect and attention… I was so scared till a year after he was gone. I didn’t want to get close to no one. Till I met my fiancé who truthfully understood my situation and stood By me patiently. I would never forget Eric’s love for me. But my Fiancé sweetness and understanding helped me to go through this tragedy. I hope your angel will watch over you. Don’t be scare. It’s not easy but God knows you can handle it just take time. My prayers go out to you??

  90. GiveMeMyWifeBack  October 20, 2019 at 10:15 am Reply

    I don’t want to keep living but I have to because of have 2 daughters to raise. I lost my young wife to a long battle with cancer. We shared everything together. She was the only person I relied on in life. She was my outside connection to the world. God should have give me cancer and taken my life. Why did he choose her? I have no idea what I’m doing. She had everything under control and figured out. She even made doctors appointments for the girls over the phone just a couple of days before she passed. I can’t live with this pain and I promise I had not even the slightest idea it would hurt this bad. You must know the pain I’m talking about. I want to scream, I want to hit things, I don’t want to be here. I would give absolutely anything, anything to be with her for just another full day. I don’t see how life is fair. Nothing has meaning anymore. My wife had an education, career, and so many people that loved her. I will never understand while living on this earth why God would choose to take her. I need her God, I need her, not you. The only reason I’m still here is to take care of my girls.

    • Jennifer Boles  October 20, 2019 at 2:36 pm Reply

      I feel you on this. Same i have to take care of my 2 girls. It so painful, i lost my husband last sept. And it was sudden. In 5 minutes everything change. I lost my bestfrnd and mortal enemy. My lover. I wish for a 1 day also. Or some closure so i can accept things. I struggle to sleep at night. Eat the food i have. All i want now is him. I also ask God why? Why me? Its so painful. My heart is dead also. Life is so unfair to me. To us.

    • Rachael G  October 29, 2019 at 2:49 pm Reply

      I lost my boyfriend yesterday, yet I considered my husband cuz that was the next step, I have 4 boys who finally had comfort in knowing that my bf was there for us, he was truly like their father, every sec my life is breaking, I’m wondering why, the whole process of him being in the ICU for a week leading to yesterday, I was hit with the coulda, shoulda, wouldas, I don’t question why God took him, cuz I can’t blame him, he was the absolutely the best, most kind, sweet and loving person, I had never met someone like him. I’m finding it so hard how to keep going, I’m not really given a choice, cuz I have 4 young men to raise, almost 3 years ago I lost my mother, my first lost ever and lost my way, it was my husband that helped me find myself, our relationship was just beginning, we haven’t even been together 2 years yet, but I’m smart enough to know that in that short time frame, he made me understand that there was always a way through the storm, and I’m stuck facing this alone, cuz he was my right hand, gone entirely too soon. This pain feels like it will haunt me forever, I know I will never find another Daniel, people like him are truly one in a million, I just don’t know how I’ll get through this, I don’t understand why he had to be called home so early and I don’t wish this feeling, of lost to my worst enemy, they say God will never give you too much to handle, but the last 3 years has really set out to destroy me.

    • Luz Montesdeoca  December 25, 2019 at 8:41 pm Reply

      That’s exactly how i feel, i don’t want to live without my husband but i have 2 kids. I have to go on, working, shopping, etc. But the whole time i just want to scream, why? I had no idea i would miss him this much but i need him.

    • Venesia  August 18, 2020 at 8:10 am Reply

      So sorry, you took the words right out of my heart. I feel exactly the same. Strongs to you and your daughters

  91. Donna  October 11, 2019 at 1:22 pm Reply

    I lost my soulmate on 27.8.19 – he had lung cancer but we believed he had beaten it and was in remission. We were married 40 years in August 2019 and went on holiday with our grown up children and their partners- two weeks later he passed away from secondary liver cancer ?. I can’t believe he’s gone so quickly. He was such a strong man and he refused to talk about his illness and was adamant he would get better – I feel so desperate without him and feel like I can’t bear to live without him it’s all so pointless- my children are the only thing that keep me going. I just go about life in a daze surrounded by people but I am still consumed with loneliness. I am so angry as he was a wonderful husband, father and all round good man – why did he have to die when he wanted to live so much. He won’t live to see our beautiful daughter get married or play with a grandchild- I can’t breath I am so devastated and know this will never end

    • Dev Levine  October 16, 2019 at 7:21 pm Reply

      My husband of 43 years is slowly dying of kidney failure. He refuses to get on Dialysis. I also have kidney failure and on Dialysis. Today was a difficult day for me emotionally.
      It’s very difficult as we have no family here and just a few acquaintances. He doesnt want me to be involved yet I’m taking care of him. Whenever I bring up making final arrangements he gets angry.
      I’m dealing with so much uncertainty and am afraid.

    • Luz Montesdeoca  December 25, 2019 at 8:22 pm Reply

      I know how you feel. I am so sorry we have to lose the people we love. I feel i can’t live without my husband either. He passed away in sept. From liver cancer, i hate this cancer, it takes the people we love. We have to take comfort in our memories. That’s all we have

  92. Tamara Herz  October 5, 2019 at 8:53 pm Reply

    I lost my husband of almost 30 years and living together for almost 35 years and knowing him since HS. Father of my kids and my best friend. He passed away December 16, 2018 and I miss him every day. This article has everything that I recognize and go through. Beautiful memories as well as sad memories and every where I go I have memories which are sometimes difficult to deal with. This week, a year ago, at Publix we got the call from Moffitt that something was wrong and the call came shortly after hearing that his cancer had not returned. Then to learn that he had stage 4 terminal cancer was shocking…approx 6 weeks later, he passed away at age 56.
    I lost a huge part of myself and you get to know your friends, or better said, people you thought were friends as where are they when you need someone to just enjoy some time. It seems, as I was warned, to be a person that they look at as a threat to their marriage, even though the thought of dating hasn’t even crossed my mind. The question if we had life insurance was another shocking moment.
    The easiest to talk with is people who, sadly, went through the same experience.
    Hearing from others that time will not heal, is another difficult thing that might be true but I try to be strong for my kids.

    • Charlotte Miller  October 14, 2019 at 1:47 am Reply

      I have entered my email 2x .i know my email,I’ve had it for 9 years

  93. Patricia  September 29, 2019 at 12:04 am Reply

    My husband of 41 years is dying of metastatic melanoma. He has about four months left and I don’t even know how to make the most of them. He’s in the hospital now with new tumors showing up in every scan as he fades away any gradually becomes less of the funny, brilliant man I’ve always cherished and who always cherished me. I worry about the stupid stuff.. how to pay the bills and get him care when what I really want to do is lay in bed and watch tv on Netflix with him, I’m so lonely when I go home at night and I know he is too. We are both tired of this half life. I realize it will be so much worse when I ant even see him, when he’s gone for good, and my sorrow begins to leak out of me.

    • Danielle  October 29, 2019 at 12:04 am Reply

      Patricia I am so sorry to hear this. Reading this hit home when I saw the date of this post, how many years you have been married and his cancer. The treatment and hospital stays also break my heart. On Sept. 29th 2019, when you posted I lost my husband suddenly at 1030am, he was 41 years old. We have been together since highschool. He had been in the hospital multiple times recently. He also had stage IV metastic melenoma and I also watch his amazing personality disappear over the last year. We were both scared and it was aweful to go home to a dark house and leave him in the hospital. He passed away suddenly from other complications, not cancer. Today I write this response to you with a hole in my heart. Enjoy every moment you can with him. Forget about the worry about bills and all the things that don’t matter, except the minimum. Cherrish the time you have, say I love you as often as possible. Prayers and love from me to you.

    • Jay  November 10, 2019 at 9:18 pm Reply

      Hold him every second that you can and tell him how much you love him til the moment he is gone. Forget all other worries. You will have plenty of time to focus on that when he is no longer here. What I would give to have been able to to hold my partner and slowly let go til the end. He died suddenly at 59 and it’s almost 3 yrs later now and I still miss him so deeply. and feel terrible that I was not there with him, possibly to have saved him. Cherish every second.

    • Greg  November 20, 2019 at 11:49 am Reply

      Patricia I’m so sorry for what you are going through. September 28, 2019 I lost my wife of 36 years to metastatic breast cancer, she fought it for 3 years. Cherish every moment you have with your husband and lean on your friends and family for support. I always thought my wife and I would grow old together, enjoy our grandchildren together, but when this happens you don’t know how you will make it through the day. The only consolation I have is that she is no longer suffering with the pain and I will see her again one day. Try to stay busy, go back to work if you can, it helps to distract your mind for short periods. You don’t want to and you will never forget your husband but it helps to not think about the pain and suffering they go through. Hold on to the good thoughts and memories you made with each other.

  94. Ryan  September 26, 2019 at 6:12 pm Reply

    I lost my one and only on August 15th. I found this article recently, just trying to see how others cope. Our relationship was complicated as friends and family pulled us apart, but after seven years we kept coming back to each other.

    In the last three years, we had distance come between us. She had to move, and I was not able to see her as much. She was also fighting alchohol addiction.

    I had thought she had conquered the worst of it when I asked her to move in with me in Spring. I didn’t want to hide anymore, but she needed time. I was upset, and we didn’t speak for her last two months as a result because of my immaturity.

    I’d sell my soul to have her back, but it belongs to her. I wanted her to live with me, and by this Christmas, I wanted to put a ring under the tree. Now I won’t get that chance, and all I live with his regret. I regret how I acted, and how I should have stepped up sooner, because maybe she should be with me now. I have lost friends, family, but this is the first time I lost the woman I love. As the saying goes, “Love isn’t being able to picture spending the rest of your life with someone. Love is being unable to picture living without someone”, and I find living everyday without her to be a struggle. How do people cope with this?

    • Veronica  September 27, 2019 at 1:13 am Reply

      Sorry bout Your Loss.i Loss my Husband Setember 15 2019 will be 2 months.feel like half of me is dead. cant focus.i cant think straight.i wake up crying all the time.i take 3 meds to help me but I over plied it because it dont calm me down.i tried stuffed animal ride with me in bed with me nothing helps he was the love of my life .. we was married for 26 years.he had boils low his bottom.. He had bad infection from it.infection cause a pus pocket..on tonight done emergency surgery. His heart stopped for 17 mintiues.he died on table.that was haRd for me I was alone in surgery waiting for good news and bad news came to me lord my Husband is gone for life I have noone but my family I miss my hubby.everyday its pain to wake up too I ask God every day help me through this..I am dying inside..

      • Charlotte Miller  October 10, 2019 at 5:20 pm

        I could not believe you post . I felt like I was reading Harold’s story. He died on the 26 of September 2019. I read your post and I knew you because it felt so me talking. This is the biggest thing I have ever read that is how I feel and the dates etc. This is the biggest game Your husband and mine and your relationship is so much to same. Anyway Harold went to the ER by ambulance and he also had a infection throughout his body and it was caused by these knots at the upper part of his bottom. They could not get the infection cleared up. He had a very bad time of it . I miss my husband so bad and reading how hurt You are , I I identify with you. We are married 56 years this month. I was 16 he was 19 . I don’t know what we were thinking about. I feel like half of me is dead. My life will never be the same again. Charlotte E Miller

    • Megan D  October 17, 2019 at 4:20 pm Reply

      I lost the ONE 2 weeks ago yesterday, he was 35. He was my best friend, confidant and love of my life. I never knew love like the one I experienced with him. We had been friends for some time and then serious the last almost 2 years. A week before it happened he told me he was the happiest he had ever been. A day before it happened he told me he was ready to settle down. We were planning to move in together after Christmas this year. We were so in love. He battled some anxiety but in the recent months was so at peace and happy and healthy, like a glow about him. He was traveling for work when this happened and we are still trying to find out what exactly happened to him. He was found deceased. My heart is more broken then I ever knew I could experience and I find coping an issue.
      how do I move on? I don’t want to move on without him, he was my ONE and we had plans to take on the world together but now he is gone. The pain in unbearable. It seems to be one of the worst things life can throw at you.

    • Trish  October 28, 2019 at 7:24 pm Reply

      Hi ryan
      I read ur problem..its actually very similar to mine with my boyfriend..who died last November.. family do have big interference with people but drink problem can be so upsetting and if u dont drink it’s like me….you sound to me like s very nice kind caring man..some day u find a person who deserves you so much and you will love her and please God ur family will accept her.. grieve as much as u like..but talk to someone I still talking when he died I still cry every day over him.. I loved him to pieces and his family were not happy with me I never drank or smoked ..but what ever I did for him i was not a farmer..he was in terrible relationship and i saved him from been litterly been very badly beaten up ..I Helped him get off drink they never happy..He was off the 9 years but unfortunately he died suddenly of a heart attack..I was so upset as I rang him very regularly and he advised me about everything..He told me he loved me 4 weeks before he died..My problem i bring flowers to his grave every month as its distant away, but his ex girlfriend has put a teddy bear with love sarah on it..I foolishly told her I go to the grave and I want to get rid of it because she put it there to annoy me…it took her 9 months before she visited it..what would u do .if u were me…

  95. Shanae Mack  September 22, 2019 at 8:42 am Reply

    I loss my fiancé on June 3, 2019. He had been admitted into the hospital 7 days prior when I found him unresponsive in our bedroom . Even though I lost it I performed cpr until the paramedics arrived. He had no health issues ???. I don’t know why he didn’t auto. They said stress to the heart is what killed him. I am so lost without him, my heart is broken. I’m angry, depressed, so sad , I’m lonely. At this point I am just existing. I would give anything to have him back.

  96. Padaskavula  September 19, 2019 at 6:43 am Reply

    I lost my husband of 23 years on July 12, 2018. He passed away from a heart condition but very unexpected. We have known eachother since we are kids. I was 10 years old when we met and he’s never left my side since until now. I understand now how when people talk about couples in love, actually elder couples. And that when one dies the other does right after them. Because to say I’m lost and broken now would be an understatement. My emotions do get the best of me though. One day I am so sad and miserable and then the next day I’m so angry that he is not here and won’t be able to see our boys get married or babysit our grandkids that we have one day together and have a blast. I am left behind but I have to stay strong because I have 2 kids to raise…alone now. Idk how to even take people seriously when they say just give it time. I don’t ever want to forget him or feel better. I miss him, he was everything to me. And I to him..I feel like he’s up in heaven so upset watching down on us bc he’s not here. I would give anything to see his beautiful smile again or smell him. And to kiss his lips or even be in his arms. I can relate to everyone on here. And it really is so nice to read all these comments and see I’m not crazy. Because my family tells me to get over it already. Needlesstosay I don’t want any part of them anymore. I’m gonna be ok that I know. I’m blessed with 2 great kids. My heart will never be full again but that’s ok bc my focus is seeing him again in heaven one day. He better be waiting open arms!!! Lol…and then maybe we can stroll around holding hands and go over the rainbow bridge and see all our old pets. not crazy don’t worry. I just have quite an imagaination. Hey, but u never know rt?? Much love to everyone on here❤

  97. Jo  September 18, 2019 at 8:38 pm Reply

    Hi! I am so sorry for the losses everyone has experienced…suffered seems a more appropriate word. I lost my partner 5 months ago to cancer. She was only 57. She was so active and followed healthy eating habits. That just made her death that much more difficult to understand and accept. She was also my best friend. We did everything together and had many wonderful road trips and vacations together. We had a retirement plan and looked forward to spending that time together without the work obligations to just enjoy life. I am so sad that she cannot be here to enjoy it and to enjoy our families. I am also lost thinking about a future without her. She also leaves behind adult children that I cared about deeply, but they shocked me during her illness, especially when she became unable to communicate. It seemed they were focused on taking over our home and everything attached to it. I was the primary caregiver for their mom and was the only one at home with her until the last week, but as soon as she became unable to communicate, they started acting like it had not been my home and they had a sense of entitlement that it was their home now. Our home was only in her name , but we both invested financially and physically into our home. I knew her kids would get our home, because their was not a will. I was okay with that and told them I was okay with it, but they started making threats when I was only focused on caring for their mom, my life partner i.e. they told me, “there will be more hiccups to come and boundaries crossed” (this was said after they forged their mom’s name to make themselves durable power of attorney over financial and medical) and I was told that I would need to show receipts. Receipts for items I bought or that we bought…I don’t think so! The medical DPA was almost comical if it had not been so tragic, because her daughter named herself DPA and did not lift a finger to care for her mom. In fact, the one time I asked her to give a pain med to her mom (I had it dosed out and time written down) she failed to give it saying she got too busy with the social worker. The daughter called the social worker the two times she was at our home those last few weeks. It appeared the daughter wanted the social worker to think she was more involved than she actually was. Pain med do you forget the pain med when that was the primary focus at that point!?!? Her dose was 5 hours late, because the daughter forgot and didn’t think about it enough to tell me. After we lost my partner (their mom), the daughter called me less than 12 hours after losing their mom (my partner) and after I had only been in bed 2 hours, to tell me they were meeting at our home to discuss plans…after some pressing I found out it was to make plans for me to move out or rather tell me when I would be moving. I told them to give me a few weeks to grieve (my therapist said she would have told them a lot more than that). They would not stop trying to call me, so out of grief, lack of sleep, and their ongoing bullying I snapped and gathered my family together and they got me moved out. Well, I was then called an f***ing coward and a liar, because I moved without telling them. The daughter said the one of her siblings defended me through this “whole horrible thing.” I asked the daughter why he would have even had to defend me and she said, “because I was afraid you would drag your feet for a few months.” She said this to the person that had just taken “excellent” care of their mom. One moment they are threatening me and the next they are mad because I moved. The daughter also said I was putting my grief over their grief, because I moved and took only my stuff. She also told me not to show my face (her words) at my partner’s services. That was our home. How could anyone be that cold and entitled!? I don’t understand and will never understand. I have cut contact with them and never said one unkind word to them, even though there is so much I would like to have said. I don’t say anything out of respect for their mom! I can definitely relate to many people on this thread that are not only suffering the loss of a partner, but also the stressful circumstances of dealing with irrational, cold people. Grief is hard enough without the unnecessary unkind acts and words of others. I’m sorry that I went on and on, as I know we are all grieving. Please know that you are not alone. Lots of love, comfort, and prayers to each of you!

  98. Laurie  September 18, 2019 at 1:22 pm Reply

    I lost my lover, my best friend, my life two days ago. Alcoholism took him. I performed CPR on him until the paramedics came. They tried everything but his heart gave out. He tried every day to quit drinking and every day he lost the battle. We were supposed to move to the beach next summer to start a new beginning. We had plans. Now the only plans are a funeral. He was my soulmate. Half of me is now gone. My heart hurts so badly. Everywhere I look, everywhere I drive…. he’s there….but he’s not.

  99. Susan  September 11, 2019 at 9:32 am Reply

    I am a 67 year old woman who lost my partner of more than 25 years almost two years ago. I am trying to do what I think will help me move forward into an unknown new life, but it is still hard for me. In the almost two years since she died I sorted, purged, and packed 25 years worth of things, sold our home, and moved to another state where I have some remaining family. It was hard to leave my/our friends, but I felt that I need to be near some family as I grow older. I am settled now in my new space, and though I retired before I moved, I am contemplating returning to work part time to try to fill the empty hours. I have dinner with my brother and his wife once a week, and I am hoping to meet some people at church, but I am still having a hard time trying to learn how to move on. I am discovering that it can be difficult to meet and make new friends at this stage of my life. I still have pictures of my deceased partner all over the apartment, and I wonder if it makes me sadder to see them, and if I should put them away. I realize that I have got to find ways to meet and engage with others that I could occasionally socialize with, but I am struggling trying to figure out how to do that. I am not a total introvert, but neither am I an extrovert. Joining new groups is not easy for me. At this point in time, my life is lonely and I wonder how long it will be or if I will ever feel like I belong somewhere, like I am whole again.

    • Eleanor Haley  September 11, 2019 at 11:12 am Reply

      Unfortunately, grief has no set timeline. It is different for all of us. A support group or widow group might be a good place to meet others. Also, is a wonderful place to find people with common interests around events – everything from walks to bookclubs to crafting, cars, sports, etc. This post might be helpful to look at – As for the photos, that is a very personal decision. For many, photos are bittersweet. You can put them a way and avoid the pangs of sadness they will sometimes bring, but then you also avoid the comfort and happy memories they also bring. I wish there were easy answers, but I hope you find some comfort and support here on our little corner of the internet.

  100. Heisenberg  September 8, 2019 at 8:47 am Reply

    I lost my boyfriend of 5 years on August 21 2019 to cancer. He was my best friend, my lover, my go to person, no one knew me better than he did. And I don’t know how to go on with my life. I feel alone, scared, empty. He meant everything to me, and he had the most positive attitude about his situation. He always tried to convince me that it wasn’t that bad, and he was ready when time comes. I still cry myself to sleep to this day. I would be okay if I had to go today, that’s what I always think. I don’t seem to be able to let go. I can’t write beautiful words like others, one thing I know that he meant the world to me and I to him.

    • Pratima  September 22, 2019 at 9:54 am Reply

      I can understand you. I am also going through the same pain. I lost my boy friend this July. He was my world. His death had completely broken me and I feel every day is a punishment for me to live without him. Wish death comes soon to me.

  101. Yahaira  September 7, 2019 at 4:47 pm Reply

    I recently loss the love of my life on August 26,2019. We have a 7 month old little girl. I don’t know how to deal with my grief. I don’t want to get out of bed. I miss him so much. I have a 4 year old son that all he does is mention him all day. I know I have to try to do my best and continue with my life but I can’t. I don’t want to be around anyone. I don’t
    know how to function.

    • Samiha Akram  January 5, 2020 at 6:42 pm Reply

      Hi I’m in a similar situation I have just lost my husband a few months ago and have a four year old. Please feel free to contact me

  102. Jaylynn  September 1, 2019 at 1:18 pm Reply

    I lost my boyfriend almost 5 months ago. On April 9 2019. I came home to find him. He overdosed on heroin. I tried to give him CPR and narcan but I didnt get home in time. I know the man I had he was trying so hard to stay clean. They say I have to let go so he may rest. And I want to but I cant I miss him every moment of everyday. Why why do i have to endure this what is the supposed lesson God is trying to teach.

    • Catherine Deal  September 3, 2019 at 2:41 pm Reply

      It’s sad to read these accounts of death and loss. My husband died 1.5 years ago and it seems like yesterday. Every morning I wake up knowing that when I open my eyes; I am his widow, forever changed by an event.
      Never to live the life we so perfectly planned.

      My advice is to grieve hard, go out to a field and scream, beat the dirt, run, and cry your eyes out, do whatever helps you in that moment. No one has the right to tell you to be strong, to mask or downplay your feelings in your personal space. You are going to have to own this loss until you die and it is on your terms. You have taken one of the biggest faith hits that life will hand anyone. When your partner died Life stopped, you lost control, you found out how temporary life really is. You couldn’t turn to the person who supported you because they were gone. Give yourself the freedom to grieve. It’s going to be there for the rest of your life, you’ll need to recognize it. You have been injured and it is part of who you are.

    • Breezy  September 4, 2019 at 6:09 am Reply

      Hi Jaylynn,

      I’m sorry you’re going through this. I know “sorry” doesn’t help or matter, but sometimes it’s all you can say. I lost my boyfriend/friend of 8 years on August 1, 2018– he died from Fentanyl. He had struggled with opiates in the past, but I had no clue he started using again, or perhaps that was his first relapse. I’ll never know. I relate on such a deep level to what you wrote. I wanted to know “why” too. I’m thirteen months in and I’ll ever let go of him, but I can tell you that my mindset and feelings are drastically different than how they were only 5 months after. Don’t let anyone else tell you how to feel or rush you to return to “normal”. Things will never be the way they were, and sometimes that’s the hardest thing to grieve. Take your time, don’t neglect your feelings– things will improve, but on your own timeline. Perhaps direct some energy into a project in his honor. I coordinated planting a tree with a plaque at the University where we met. As for why this happened… I still don’t know. To be frank, I stopped trying to figure that out. To combat this open ended question, I remind myself that even though I’m suffering, he’s at peace and free of his demons. My major take away from the past 399 days is to not take anything for granted and truly try to treat every interaction with my loved ones as if it could be the last. I’ve accepted that life owes me nothing and the universe doesn’t care– good things are gifts not guarantees. After the first month, months 5 – 7 were probably the toughest for me. Hang in there just a little bit longer, it will get easier. And remember that you’re not alone.

      • Eric  December 21, 2019 at 12:25 pm

        Hi Breezy, I know how you feel and what you went through. My wife also passed away from fentanyl on 11/13/19 she was 37. She suffered from the disease of addiction. This has to be the hardest thing that I’ve ever gone through. My wife was just in rehab in September. I also thought she was doing good when she got out. But it only took a month for her to go back and this time she paid with her life. The hardest thing of it all is I’m having a really hard time accepting it. I keep waiting for her to come walking down the hallway. We had so many plans we were finally moving forward and now it’s all gone. Im also an addict but I’m 2 years and 5 months clean. We have 6 children that are always asking questions and I do my best to comfort them. That’s also really tough because I dont ever feel like doing anything. Thank you to everyone that shared their story. It does help a lil knowing I’m not the only with these different kind of mixed up emotions.

  103. Liana  August 31, 2019 at 8:10 pm Reply

    My fiance passed away 4 weeks ago, right in front of me. I still dont know what happened. His initial autopsy was inconclusive and theyve taken tissue samples for toxicology testing etc. He had a cold or flu, went to bed for a nap after we had spent the morning in the city visiting his mum (which we had the day wrong, it was supposed to be the next day). I was in the bedroom putting an extra blanket on him when he seized in front of me. It was an hour between that moment and when he flat lined. He had just turned 40 the week before, and we were getting married in 2 months. I felt a lot of pressure to get things done, didnt have a lot of support from his mum in the beginning, so I swallowed my emotions and did what needed to be done. I went back to work after 2 weeks and I feel like its only hitting me now that I’ve lost my best friend forever. And sometimes I wake up and forget that hes gone and my heart breaks all over again. It’s so unbelievably hard, every single minute of the day, to carry on. The worst part at the moment is how everyone seems to be able to go back to normal, almost like nothing has happened. Reading your comments has helped. Logically, I know I’m not alone in these feeling, others have been through the same, but at the same time I’ve never felt so alone.

    • Jeff H.  November 6, 2019 at 7:30 pm Reply


      I am 29, and lost my fiance, and best friend 4 weeks ago today. We had been together for 2.5 years and engaged for only 3 weeks before her passing. Like you, i spent the first couple of weeks on auto pilot trying to figure out my life. Between planning the funeral, burying her, moving out of my house and into a 585 sq ft apartment, I thought there was something wrong with me because i wasnt crying. Here and there but not like i thought i should have. I returned to work 2 weeks ago. The pain and realness of the situation has finally set in. I have not stopped crying since. I do not want to live any more. I do not want to talk to people. I do not want to eat, sleep, or shit. My life is completely fucked up. We had a nest together. Ready to get hitched and start a family. within an hour all of that as ripped out from underneath of me. Life is fragile. Some people live for 100 years while other pass at 29 or even younger. I find solace thinking there is a higher power that needed her for something else, however i am not usually of that type. Good luck on your journey, as i am now calling it.

  104. Tiffany  August 11, 2019 at 5:44 pm Reply

    I lost my partner Gordon nearly 10 months ago when our son was only 2 months old to a motorcycle accident.

    We had been together for nearly 4 years before he died. He was my best friend, my rock, the love of my life. He was the most stubborn man I have ever met in my life but he was mine.

    I remember 2 weeks prior to his death, a thought crossing my mind, ‘ what will I do, should I get a call that he had died in an accident ‘ I shrugged off the thought and didn’t say anything to him.

    The morning of his death, he lingered in bed longer, spending more time with us before getting ready to leave for work. I remember telling him to be safe and that I love him. Under an hour later I received a text from his cellphone telling me that he had been in an accident and I need to call the number of the person responding to my text from his phone.

    My whole world just fell apart in an instant, realizing my son would not grow up knowing his father, that I will be alone through all of this.
    I’ve had the best support since that day, sometimes I still wish I could see him again, or hear him say that he loves me. And watch him playing with our son, making him laugh as he would have.

    I feel terribly lost and alone yet I have to push through for the sake of my son. I’m really glad I stumbled across this article, I feel so much less alone reading all of your stories.

    I am truly sorry for all of your losses

    • Leslie  August 30, 2019 at 4:04 pm Reply

      I’m truly saddened for your loss and others who have shared their posts. My husband of nearly 30 years due to complications of surgery related to esophageal cancer. I miss him so much and I cry so pitiful often, even as I write this post. I’m tired of crying and discussing it. My life has been very complicated and I’m not sure how to go about my loss. He was such an outstanding man and was always putting the needs of others first-hand. He made a big deal about all my accomplishments big or small. He was faithful and hard-working. His birthday is September 9 and mine September 11. We we’re together in my 20s, 30s, 40s, and early 50s. I’m not angry about that fact that he passed, but by him passing it thrusted me to move forward with my life and the transition is quite difficult. If we were separated or divorced, perhaps we could have rekindled our relationship. Since he’s deceased I have no option, but to move forward whether I want to or not. The choice has been decided for me. I don’t hold back my tears, whatever I’m doing or wherever I am , it the wave of grief coves upon me suddenly I flow with it without apology or explanation. I will overcome by the help of the Lord moment by moment.

  105. Kenny Stahura  August 4, 2019 at 3:50 pm Reply

    I lost my best friend, confidant, partner in crime, woman I love and soulmate on July 22 from complications from the heart failure she lived with all her life. I know that Sheri would not want me to grieve and mourn forever but she would want me to keep living and keep to my routine as best I can. This is also the first time I’ve lost someone extremely close to me. Sure I’ve had relatives pass away but I hadn’t seen them in years. I’m trying so hard to keep to my routines of working, going to the gym and playing hockey, just like she wanted me to do, but without Sheri around, I just feel so lost. The only problem is ever since grade school, I’ve always had a female companion right by my side. I’m not saying I’m ready to date again, I just want someone who would be there for me and give a damn, just like Sheri did. I know it’s not gonna happen overnight, but eventually. I also know I have a strong support system from my and Sheri’s family as well as work and my hockey team, it’s just the loneliness of not having Sheri here is just very difficult to bear.

    • Cameron  December 14, 2020 at 10:51 pm Reply

      My wife just passed away from heart failure 3 month’s ago as well i know what you mean she was my best friend my partner in crime she was my world dating is kinda working i guess life will never be the same and i know she wouldn’t want me to fall apart either but it’s alot easier said than done

      • IsabelleS  December 15, 2020 at 11:28 am

        Cameron, I’m sorry for your loss. You’re right–Life will be different, but that’s okay. Please be gentle with yourself, and allow yourself to feel whatever emotions you need to feel. It’s okay to fall apart sometimes.

  106. Gustavo Jaramillo  August 4, 2019 at 7:14 am Reply

    Good morning,
    My name is Gus from NYC. I just lost my wife just last week to breast cancer., She was 39. We were just married for 2 and a half years and been together for five years. I have no words to express the feelings going inside me. The words other people offer to be strong and that it will pass don’t help. How can I be strong when my Rick has passed away. She was the bravest and strongest person I know. She was a warrior for the four years she battled this horrible disease. I really don’t know when I will be good again. It may be months it years. Just feel so lost and alone without my love.

    • Saul Rodriguez  September 2, 2019 at 11:58 am Reply

      Hey Gus try and keep your head up big dawg!!!
      My girlfriend of 2 years even tho we known each other since 5th grade passed away January 16th 2019 she was 34weeks pregnant and died 30 min right after we said good nite. she passed away due to a seizure from her blood pressure being to high…
      I miss my Baybee and My first unborn son sooo much…
      even tho I resorted to slamming heroin every day it keeps me numb I know its wrong but in reality I’m just trying to catch up to them…. shiiit I’m lost too. your not alone!!!

  107. NB636  July 28, 2019 at 10:09 pm Reply

    I lost my husband in March from brain and lung cancer a month after diagnosis, now all I do is try to make sense of my overwhelming emotions. It was one emotion at a time, but it is all at once now and a terribly hopeless feeling. I look forward to going to sleep and dread waking up. I am now avoiding speaking to anyone, tired of pretending I am ok. Hearing the same old cliche. Tired of the emotional roller coaster. I am disabled and he was my rock, my best friend, he loved me regardless. Today is my birthday and I dreaded this day. I never want to hear the phrase that life goes on again, it doesn’t, life stopped, existing goes on. The anger, loneliness, fear, sadness goes on. When does it get better? I can’t even imagine it getting better. I lost my identity and feel just plain lost. The anger scares me, I have never felt this before. I am not even sure I am even commenting here about this, it goes with everything else I have done lately, grasping at straws to feel just a tiny bit normal. I had faith, that is disappearing also. I think people that lose a spouse are reminders that it can happen to anyone and avoided. I know the question of when does it get better can’t be answered, I just wish it could be, it seems unbearable all the same, I am just drained.

    • Adil  August 30, 2019 at 9:08 am Reply

      I’m so sorry for your loss and everyone else too my heart is shattered my soulmate of seventeen years fell asleep in my arms October gone aged 39 im utterly truamatised witnesing it all happen in front of my eyes we had our future mapped out dreams and hopes to grow old together everything my life has been blown apart taken away so cruelly and tragically every day is getting worse he was my protector my reason for getting up in the morning it’s destroying mentally and physically

  108. Katelyn  July 28, 2019 at 1:13 am Reply

    I’m not ok just a picture of us sets me off in tears it’s been years I dont know what to do how do i let go of the death of my first love like why me why would god put me through this why am i still mad years past I want help I need help I didnt want help then but I didnt know it would feel like this now… how do I let go how do I move on what do I do I cant be me still loving someone dead please help me please I look for it in other people or in the bottom of a bowl or glass but at the end of the day I still cry i feel l make progress but then i fail i dont know what to do i am my own person not my past but my past still lights me up I was a good person but now I dont know I tried god but it was a bandaid I need I crave stability but I’m in college and that just dont happened I just dont know I ask again but I cant let people hear me I need help I’m scared if they know the pain I feel they may think I’ve lost it but it’s me I cant change hes gone 6ft under I lost him why not me why not both us live why not both us be gone my feelings are pouring out I cant stop my fingers from typing this is me but isnt its flowing on to the keyboard my pain is so real but when I sober up it will be masked and hidden again I lost him and now I am gay i cant love another guy the same way is this a game god why me why me i hate the anger i feel i want it to be gone i cant do that i try so hard to move on and be good I can’t I cant I wish I could I need help please god send me help soon please I’m beg each tear that falls is another plead for help he was my world I was my best I had it planned our life was great in my head then he was gone like I blinked I watched him die why me why my heart did I deserve this did I deserve all of this why am I alive why spare me he was better my better half why not him my l9ve my l3ve (inside joke between us) of my life can I have a new life does god hate me my mom doesn’t like me dating girls but god took my man this isnt fair but life never is he loved me it was real i felt it it was there i couldn’t have been happier than i blinked bam it’s gone why me ….

    • Richard  August 24, 2019 at 12:15 am Reply


      I just read your post and I fully understand what you’re going through. I lost my wife, and the years that have passed, have barely lessened the blow. She was everything to me. We did everything together. Being with her was the best 10 years of my life. I know people think I’m crazy when I go shopping and suddenly tears run down my cheeks. If there is a God, how could he do this to someone? She was a very good person. She always did anything for anyone, but died a horrible death. I watched her body burn down to a skeleton, in front of me, but couldn’t get within 50 feet of her, because the heat was too intense. I knew it was too late anyway, but I still made the attempt. I got home from work, sensing something was very wrong when she wouldn’t answer her phone. She had a car accident in a neighbor’s yard and her van caught on fire. Since then, I’ve been unable to meet anyone who understands what I go through every day. The fireman were making jokes about her while I was standing beside them. If I hadn’t been in such shock, I would’ve punched them. It’s easy to say how you would react to sometging like that, but when it actually happens to you, it’s not what you expected. I couldn’t believe the nightmare in front of me, was actually happening. I dreaded going to sleep without her beside me. Then I dreaded the mornings even more, waking up, thinking it was a bad dream, only to realize it actually happened. I would love to talk to you, because I really need someone who understands.

  109. Mike  July 21, 2019 at 9:43 pm Reply

    I lost my wonderful wife, Cindy, the “Love-of-My-Life,” on April 4, 2019 to a very aggressive cancer, and am devastated, I can’t imagine life without her. We were married 26 years. We didn’t meet until we were 41, and our love story is a bit unusual. We were both Crafters, I made wooden “country” things and she was a ceramic tile artist. We had both been accepted to the 1985 Anaheim Harvest Festival. It was my second Harvest Festival and her first. On set-up day I had gotten to the Convention Center early and had my booth pretty well assembled and was working on pricing and hanging my products up. I had a wonderful location: a corner booth right in the middle of the hall. I caught movement out of the corner of my eye and turned to see “Just about the finest looking woman I had ever seen” walk past my booth, intent on finding her own booth location. A few minutes later she came back and walked over to me and introduced herself. I still to this day don’t know why. She told me several years later that she liked my booth design and my work and thought I looked like an “old pro” who knew what he was doing and decided to pick my brain since it was her first show in this venue. We talked for a few minutes and she left to get her booth set up. A little while later she came and asked if I had a hammer she could borrow and I did. She brought it back a bit later and we talked some more. She came back asking questions several times that day. There was definitely electricity in the air, and chemistry: pheromones, endorphins, hormones oozing out of us both. I fell in love with her. I couldn’t help it. And it just couldn’t be… I was married, and had two young children at home. I couldn’t allow myself to feel like that. I stuffed my feelings somewhere in my brain.
    The next day first thing in the morning just before the show opened she came and told me that she had someone helping her in her booth and since I was alone offered to come by once in a while and watch my booth so I could have a break. She charmed the daylights out of me. Every day she continued, insisting I needed to get out of my booth and she even made sure I had something to eat, that I would get low blood sugar if I didn’t. At the end of the show I thanked her for all her help and we said our goodbyes. I didn’t know if I’d ever see her again. When I got home I called the Harvest Festival office and inquired about any cancellations at any of their other shows and got a space at the Pomona show. Got to Pomona and learned Cindy was there too. She was setting her booth up and told me she had double-booked that weekend and wouldn’t be working the show herself, but had a couple of teacher friends that were going to be working her booth for her. I had booked myself a room at a motel near Pomona and went there and checked in after setting up. I saw
    Cindy in the parking lot of the motel and she told me she had booked her friends a room there too. She told me that they were going to have dinner at the motel’s coffee shop and asked me if I would like to join them, I told her I’d be delighted to accompany them. I don’t remember a thing about her friends, all my attention was on her. She gave them orders to “take care of Mike.” To make sure I had breaks several times a day and something to eat, and they did. She was still taking care of me although she wasn’t there. At show’s end as we were tearing down I told her how much I appreciated her friendship and hoped I’d see her again next year.
    I don’t remember which show I first found her at the second year, but she continued with giving me breaks, just as before. I didn’t understand why. I just thought she was being nice to a friend. For some reason I hadn’t told her I was married, and when it came up I could tell she was disappointed, but it didn’t stop her behavior. She kept taking care of me. I most remember the Long Beach show that year. Because of limited parking you had to tear your booth down and stack it in your space and go get a parking permit so you could park and load it. By coincidence, we ended up parked next to each other, loading our respective vehicles. Her mother was with her and as we were saying goodbye, I got really brave and asked Cindy for a big hug (I really wanted to kiss her). She gave me a wonderful hug and told me later when we were courting that she had always remembered that hug I conned her out of because she was looking over my shoulder at a beautiful harvest moon hanging right over the Queen Mary which is anchored in the harbor. The 450 mile drive home was one of the longest in my life.
    When I got home I was told I had to find a real job, no more shows. In late 1989 my then wife told me that after Christmas i had to move out. January 1 I moved into a rental that we owned. I had thought about Cindy many, many times over the intervening years wondering what she was doing. I had kept her business card for some reason, and she had told me what the date of her birthday was, and I resolved to send her a birthday card. But being the Big Chicken that I am, I waited until the following year to call her. I was scared half to death i would be rejected, but finally in early May of 1991 I found enough courage to make the phone call… her birthday was in late May and I had to do it if I was going to use the excuse of sending her a birthday card. She answered the phone and I told her who I was and asked her if she remembered me, and she replied that she did. I was practically tongue-tied and I remember blurting out that I was going through a divorce and just wanted to see how she was and what she was doing. She sensed my nervousness and took over the conversation and guided it along. She told me that she was in bed with the flu, but she was happy to hear from me. At some point she asked for my phone number and when we hung up I dashed out and bought the prettiest get-well card I could find and wrote something in it and mailed it that night. She wrote back thanking me for the card and telling me that she wasn’t going to let me off the hook for the promised birthday card.
    Well I found the most beautiful birthday card I could and sent it, also resolving to send her some flowers for her birthday. I had intended to just send a nice big mixed bouquet, but when I got to the florist’s I lost my mind and decided to send her a dozen red roses instead. That evening she called to thank me for the roses and told me when the florist drove down the driveway to deliver them she was standing in the middle of the dumpster jumping up and down to try and make room for the stuff she was throwing out of her studio to make more work space. We had a good laugh.
    A little more than a week later I found the most gorgeous box of oatmeal cookies on my doorstep. She let me think she had baked them for a couple of weeks, but then confessed she had bought them from a specialty bakery. A couple of weeks later she called and told me that she had just been accepted to the Gilroy Garlic Festival… wasn’t that somewhere up near me? She asked if I had the time maybe I could come down to the show and we could see each other, but if it didn’t work out… Of course, wild horses couldn’t have kept me out of Gilroy that weekend. I showed up in front of her booth the first thing the first day of the show. She was busy, there was quite a line in front of her booth. I got inside, and she had her mother, her older sister and two of her sister’s grandchildren with her, and nobody knew what they were doing. I looked at her and said “hi.” She replied “hi.” Then I asked her “would you like some help?” A minute later I was sitting next to her taking cash and writing credit card slips while she wrapped and bagged tiles. This continued non-stop for about 4 hours when we finally got a chance to get out of the booth and see the rest of the show and talk. I helped in the booth all three days and because it was an environment I was comfortable in I was much less nervous than I thought I’d be. At the end of the show I had to take the shuttle to the parking lot and Cindy was waiting with me. I finally got up the nerve to ask her for a kiss, and she told me that she didn’t really approve of public displays of affection and I told her that I didn’t either, but I still wanted a kiss so she made an exception. That was the sweetest kiss I ever had. I asked her if that meant I could call her my girlfriend and she said “Yes.” I was on cloud nine as I drove home.
    A couple of weeks later she called and told me she had called the Harvest Festival office and asked if there were any spots available in any other shows and they gave her one in the Ventura show. She told me she was going to have to do the show by herself and wondered if I might be able to go down there and help her. I had plenty of vacation time coming and made arrangements to take the time off. She picked me up at LAX and asked if I would drive. Not being familiar with the airport, I ended up going around two or three times before I found the proper exit to get on the 405. She had a cute sense of humor and said that with the booth and everything stuffed in her Vanagon, we probably looked like Ma and Pa Kettle Lost in the Airport!
    We finally got to Ventura and got the booth put together and started to hang tiles on the walls. It was getting to be the middle of the afternoon and Cindy suggested we take a break and check-in to the hotel. I agreed. We could finish the booth that evening if we needed. She checked us in and we went up to the room. I had been wondering all this time what to expect and had no clue. I figured it was probably a room with two queen-size beds… Cindy opened the door and there was a gigantic king-size bed in the middle of the room. I know I hesitated and my jaw practically hit the floor. She asked me if the room was OK, or did I want another room? I allowed as how it was fine, just not what I was expecting. That was the most wonderful weekend I have ever had.
    It was about a year-and-a-half later we got married, and while we had our ups and downs, there’s no question but that she was the “Love-of-My-Life.” A year-and-a-half ago I was diagnosed with stage IV prostate cancer and she thought she was going to lose me, It’s now in remission and I lost her instead. I miss her more than words can say. I just want to be with her. Taking care of her became my life over the last five years, and with her gone life has no meaning. I’m not a “believer,” but I hope I’m wrong. I’d like to be with her again.

    • Vanessa  August 19, 2019 at 3:24 am Reply

      I read your story. I lost my husband last year after 35 years of marriage. His death was unexpected but also expected just not then. I hate being alone and miss him so deeply. I have felt the same as you, not really wanting to be on this earth anymore. Anyhow I hope you start to feel better from your loss as everyday I wake up I try so hard to feel like I want to live and be happy but that light hasn’t turned on yet. Good luck in your healing from your loss.

  110. Virginia  July 13, 2019 at 6:34 am Reply


  111. Tina  July 8, 2019 at 10:50 pm Reply

    My husband passed away April 24,2019 at 6:58pm.. He was the most precious man, this August would have been 26 yrs of marriage. We have 5 kids 4 grand kids he was 56 years old and diabetes has taken him away. I buried him on Friday and took his place walking our youngest child down the aisle the next day. It was the grace of God that Got us through that week. I have never been so lost in my life all I do is cry and I feel like I’m failing my children because they have also lost the love of their life, he was a wonderful father and grandfather and the world is turned upside down. I don’t know how to move forward. I don’t know I have to be there for them when all I want to do is bury myself. I lost my father a little over a year before my husband died and I thought that was just the worst thing ever but losing your partner best friend love of your life there’s just nothing that compares to that pain and emptiness. I know in time things will get better but right now that feels like an eternity away.

    • Amy  July 9, 2019 at 10:56 pm Reply

      Tina, I am so sorry for your terrible loss. My husband died at 66 on April 28, suddenly, of a heart attack. We would have been married 40 years in August. I know how you are feeling. This post felt really spot on to me and helped me see what I am going through is normal. Hope it helped you, too. I think we just have to experience the grief one day at a time. No other choice.

    • David  July 14, 2019 at 11:46 pm Reply

      Tina, my Fiance Amber passed away on june 1st after leaving my house instead of staying like normal. She died alone in the middle of the night because i was not there to save her. My world is also upside down. We had her funeral on our wedding day she was wearing her wedding dress i dont know why im replying nothing will fix it or bring her back but thats hard to accept. I wish you the best

      • Jay  November 10, 2019 at 10:25 pm

        David, I’m so sorry for your loss. I also lost the love of my life because I wasn’t there to save him. We had a complicated relationship because of his drug use, and at the end, I hadn’t spoken to him in 4 days and he was there, alone, collapsed on the floor, he was overdosing on Xanax and cocaine, probably waiting for me to come through the door, and I was too late. My life ended that day. Besides addiction, he was the most loving, kind perfect man for me and I don’t know why God has done this to us. We were so much more than addiction…I don’t do drugs and my love actually got clean for a few years and he was wonderful but the noise of jealous exes (both exes couldn’t deal with fact that we were each other’s first loves at age 14 and 17, and now at 40 and 43 found each other again and fell completely for each other again…he must have told everyone we met our love story, it was a great one) and brainwashed kids putting him and me down from both sides, even though he was clean and engaged with his kids better than he ever had been when using. Now his grown children are very kind to me) I had family & friends giving me advice not to stay with him….. I wish I would have told all of them to “f” off and just left with him to get clean again. He was the true love of my life and I feel like I let us both down by using tough love and not sticking with him..I wasn’t there to save him. Addiction is so complicated and evil that it can make both the addicted and the person who is straight make decisions that now make me question why God did this, why am I even here, cause I don’t want to be, without him. I have never felt so alone and confused about where I’m going from here. And it’s been almost 3 years. I’m sorry for everyone posting here. You are definitely not alone

  112. signshelovesyou  June 30, 2019 at 7:55 am Reply

    it is really heartbreaking whenever we hear such type of things, it can make anyone cry. Life completely leaves the suffering one shattered. I hope god bless them all and they all live a stable life after getting separated from their loved partner

  113. Stephanie Coker  June 29, 2019 at 8:13 pm Reply

    it is a great relief to be able to read all of your posts; it makes me feel a bit less alone. my husband, best friend, and father of our 2 young girls (aged 5 & 2), passed away at the age of 28 after a 10 month battle with glioblastoma multiforme IV. we were married for 7 wonderful years, & it was my greatest wish for us to watch our children grow up together, & for us to grow old together. i wouldn’t let anyone else take care of him during our fight; i wanted to keep my vows, “in sickness & in health”. i was determined that my husband would not be taken from the comfort of the home we enjoyed so much together. i did the very best i could- i took him to daily chemoradiation therapy, ensured that his opptune device was properly taken care of, & administered a host of medications on a precise timetable. i tried my best to get him to eat, or at least drink, but it became increasingly difficult as the tumor grew & invaded his spinal column. in the end, i changed his diapers & gave him sponge baths in bed, carefully making sure to turn him & massage his skin. despite our best efforts, we could not beat the disease. the tumour stole my love on the morning of 2/11/19. i woke to him having a final seizure next to me in our bed. i think i may have ptsd, because i keep seeing him dying over & over again- blood coming from his nose & mouth, trying desperately to administer cpr, but all to no avail.. i couldn’t enter his office for several months. i avoid places that we loved to go together with our kids. it hurts to leave our home, but it hurts to stay too because this is where i feel the closest to him. i feel frozen in grief & time. i know i have to find a way to deal with this, & i do the best i can to maintain normality for my poor children, but inside there is the constant howling scream of “why?”

    • Amy  July 9, 2019 at 11:01 pm Reply

      Stephanie, what a wonderful person you are. There is nothing to say to ease your grief. I hope you have people around you to help you through your pain. Life can be so unfair.

    • Denise Edwards  July 13, 2019 at 11:52 pm Reply

      Stephanie this made me cry. I am so sorry. I just cannot imagine what you went through and the pain. I hope God can soften the pain a little. Just isn’t fair that some people have to go through so much.

  114. Edward Sidle  June 27, 2019 at 8:12 pm Reply

    I really feel for each and everyone of you. I just lost my fiance on June 7th 2019. We had only been together since Feb 2019 but it felt like forever. It’s like we’ve known each other for so long. We had so many things in common. she treated me the best I’ve ever been treated, even though I was married for 10 years prior, I’ve never felt this way before. She showed me the kind of love ice always dreamed of. She had heart problems and she wasd getting her life back on track from the first day we met. She said she lived for me and wouldn’t be able to go on without me. Her parents said she has never been this way with anyone in get life that they know of. She had always stayed single and didn’t do relationships. She told me in the beginning that she didn’t say I Love you often nor was she a lovey dovey type of person. but she said I changed her quickly. She was the one saying I love you all the time and she wasd the one jumping on my lap when I got home from work hugging and kissing on me. She finally started taking care of her health abs taking her meds everyday. She was old fashioned abs said that since I was the one bringing home the bacon that she would be taking care of me. she wouldn’t even let me cook anything, that would lead to an argument. She got up at 4am to make me coffee and take me to work and would come see me on my 9am break, then bring me home cooked food at lunch, then pick me up after work. She did everything for me and I wasn’t used top that at all. I loved it so much, knowing there was true love out there. She was certainly my soulmate. She would jump on my lap everyday when I got home from work to hug and kiss me and she once day even fell asleep in my lap for two hours. It made me feel like I wad on top of the world. She knew how to cheer me up on my worst days. I bought her flowers weekly and she sold act like a kid at Christmas when she got them. She wad so grateful for everything I did for her, even the small shit. She made me feel the best I’ve ever felt in my life. But on her bday June 6 2019 she relapsed and died. I found her at 1250 am on June 7th and gave her cpr with no luck. EMS tied for 35min and said there was nothing more they could do. I literally thought about taking my own life and if I didn’t have kids, I would have. She was like a dream come true. She was what I considered, perfect for me!! We had just got engaged and just found out she was pregnant, as we were trying to have a baby before we got too old. Lol. I’ve always had crappy luck and anytime I get something good in life, it gets torn away. I know that I will never experience love like she gave me ever again. It was the most incredible feeling of my life. I’ve never been treated even half as good as she treated me and I know I never will. I love your and miss you pearl. You were the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I will never get to experience this type of love again!! It’s not possible cuz you made me feel like a completely different person in the best way ever. I will always live And cherish the way you treated me. RIP sweetheart

  115. Kaylie  June 23, 2019 at 3:33 pm Reply

    Im 19, And I Know A Lot Of You Have Been With Your Partners Or Significant Others For A Bundle Of Years, And I Cant Begin To Imagine How It Would Feel If I Had Been With My Boyfriend For So Long And Lost Him, All Of You Are So Strong.. My Boyfriend, 19 Years Old, Passed Away On May 5th, 2019. He Was In A Motorcycle Accident, A Car Pulled Out In Front Of Him.. I May Not Have Been With Darien For 10 Or Twenty Years But The Time We Did Have Was Enough To Show Me What True Love Is.. He Is My SoulMate I Know It.. He Never Gave Up On Me And He Always Tried So Hard For Me.. He Was My First Boyfriend, My First Kiss, My First For Everything.. No One Is Ever Going To Compare To Him, And No One Is Going To Love Me Like He Did.. The Day That He Passed We Went To Church That Morning And The Pastor Told A Story About Someone He Knew Who Died In a Motorcycle Accident After Church… And That’s What Happened To My Boyfriend, I’m Trying So Hard To Comprehend How This Happened But I Just Cant.. I’m Not Sure When I’m going To Go to church Again or If I Ever Will Be Able To But I know I Need God In My life .. I Just Have To Find Him. I Have Never Felt This Type Of Pain Before And Im Sorry That All of You Have Had To Endure Something Of The Sort.. I just wish I knew the answers ..

    • Bev  June 25, 2019 at 12:37 am Reply

      I lost my significant other of 30 years 2 years ago July 3rd 2017 I’m still grieving I can’t believe hes gone but I know he is. I feel as though he might walk in my house at any minute. I see trucks like his and that reminds me of him every day. I have his pictures in every Room I even had a shower curtain made with his and I picture on it. I love my man Charles so much and I know he loved me, but he wouldn’t let me help him. he never told me about his illness until the end. even though I knew he had cancer but He said he beat it and then he said stage 4 cancer of the liver 4 day before he died. I will never ever understand why he left me. I need someone I’m lonely all the time I think of him everyday I hate being around people with their significant others, husband’s or wives it hurts. I feel I will never get another partner. When he was here I never had to do anything to my car but put gas in it now I have to do everything take it to the shop see what’s wrong with it. pay to get it fixed.its just so hard. People always say it will get better but when is my better coming. I feel better when I go to the cemetery. I’m moved out of that state for months after he die because all I was doing was shutting myself off from people and I realize that. But I see myself doing it again always making an excuse not to go places. I’m 65 and can’t get another partner. Also the last conversation days in my head him telling me how much he loved me And wanted me to keep His building but I could do it. He died A-day before he was to sign it over to me. His lawyer told me he wanted me to have it and I feel good about that even though a judge appointed his children over his property. I need him Lord knows I do.

    • Bev  June 25, 2019 at 12:47 am Reply

      I lost my significant other of 30 years 2 years ago July 3rd 2017 I’m still grieving I can’t believe hes gone but I know he is. I feel as though he might walk in my house at any minute. I see trucks like his and that reminds me of him every day. I have his pictures in every Room I even had a shower curtain made with his and I picture on it. I love my man Charles so much and I know he loved me, but he wouldn’t let me help him. he never told me about his illness until the end. even though I knew he had cancer but He said he beat it and then he said stage 4 cancer of the liver 4 day before he died. I will never ever understand why he left me. I need someone I’m lonely all the time I think of him everyday I hate being around people with their significant others, husband’s or wives it hurts. I feel I will never get another partner. When he was here I never had to do anything to my car but put gas in it now I have to do everything take it to the shop see what’s wrong with it. pay to get it fixed.its just so hard. People always say it will get better but when is my better coming. I feel better when I go to the cemetery. I’m moved out of that state for months after he die because all I was doing was shutting myself off from people and I realize that. But I see myself doing it again always making an excuse not to go places. I’m 65 and can’t get another partner. Also the last conversation days in my head him telling me how much he loved me And wanted me to keep His building but I could do it. He died A-day before he was to sign it over to me. His lawyer told me he wanted me to have it and I feel good about that even though a judge appointed his children over his property. I need him Lord knows I do. Hearing the words Charles is gone. In my mind everyday I think of words he would say to me, words I would say to him, conversations, things we did together. I miss everything about him and no one understands.
      I’m trying to post not reply sorry

      • Charlotte. E Miller  October 15, 2019 at 4:44 pm

        So very sorry for your lose. I’m going through the same thing. It’s so hard and sad.

  116. Bianca  June 21, 2019 at 2:12 am Reply

    I lost my fiancé Bradley, at the age of 25 to cancer January 14, 2019. This words being typed out seems unreal to me. It took me some time to process everything and I thought I would be okay. I cry myself to sleep every night. I think about his love for everyone, and for the Lord and how much he made me a better person. Since I met him in High school when we were 17, he was my best friend and rock. There are days that I think I will want to get out there and meet a new person, then I think will there ever be anyone like him as caring, and lovely as he was. He dealt a very tough, diligent, and difficult battle and his organs and body had enough. I know he is watching me from up there. I miss you dearly and love you buddy ?

  117. Dan  June 19, 2019 at 12:45 am Reply

    Buck please don’t give up. I too lost my wife at 38 but we still have a purpose. It has been 3 years for me but at times seems like yesterday. I feel and have felt exactly what you are. Please stay strong and know you are not alone in this. I hope you trust in God He is the only one I do and keeping close to Him I know I’ll be together with her again but as for now I will fulfill my time here as I hope you do too. This life is gone very quick

  118. Tom Larson  June 14, 2019 at 10:21 pm Reply

    “She did not make it.” Those are the terrible words that changed my life on April 3, 2019.
    My beloved wife of 30 years, Linda, died while having lunch with friends. She had a massive heart attack
    and is said to have died instantly. Supposedly in perfect health. Only 63 years old.
    We had been together 34 years and married for 30 years.
    Linda showed me how to love, live, be a parent,
    and in general be a better person.
    We did everything together. Everything I had ever achieved or accomplished was a result of her guidance, support and unwavering love.
    A little over a year ago, some other terrible
    words….It is cancer, Stage 4, Terminal. But that diagnosis was directed at me.
    Linda became my care giver as well and showed me how to be strong and beat cancer.
    Like others here have said she was my best friend, my advocate, yes my everything.
    This past week I was told my cancer was in remission
    but there was no joy in the message, as I sat alone with the doctor, Linda was gone,
    I cry each morning, I cry each nite, and most all the time in between.
    I certainly can’t see a future because the past won’t
    let me go.
    I miss her so much, it hurts and hurts and hurts.

    • Cathy  July 8, 2019 at 5:46 pm Reply


      My husband of 33 years past on May 26 I am just six weeks in and the pain is so deep. I have never had any emotions like this before depression, anxiety, fear, loneliness. I am overwhelmed with all the things that I now need to take care of in addition to trying to Integrate back into work on some level. I spent all of my time with my husband to the exclusion of others so I feel like going back to work even part time to be around people is my best option for right now even though I don’t have much energy or desire to do so. Quite frankly I just don’t want to live in a world without him but I am taking it one day at a time.

      Has anything gotten better for you since your wife passed away in April ?

      • Amy  July 9, 2019 at 11:18 pm

        Cathy, it’s been 10 weeks since my husband if almost 40 years died unexpectedly. I am back at my part time job and it helps. Also moved my son’s family into my home which thank God has brought real comfort. Do anything you feel will be good for you. The intense pain of the early weeks will lessen and you will feel that you will be OK again some day.

  119. Malia Moreno  June 7, 2019 at 1:59 am Reply

    My fiance died on May 3rd. We have been together since we were 18 and he was only 28. We have a 2 year old daughter that just turned 3 the end of May. It was an unexpected loss and it was so fast. We went to the hospital on April 30th for stomach pain and that same night he was in the ICU and the put on life support. The next day they were telling me he wasn’t going to make it. He suffered from acute pancreatitis and it ruptured and poisoned his body. His kidneys went first and then his liver, and lungs. He had an infection in his heart and by Friday afternoon he was brain dead. It was like a tornado that ripped through leaving him and our life in pieces. Leaving me here left with a shell of what our life once was. He was the primary care taker for our daughter since he was a stay at home dad. It’s crazy and still unbelievable. It doesn’t feel real yet, and I don’t know when it will but this is by far the hardest thing I’ve ever dealt with, and to be thrown into being a single parent is insane. We were supposed to be married June 22nd, but instead I buried him May 22nd. It’s hard to even fathom moving on one day. I am really sad for my daughter for not having her dad and being so young she is going to forget him, there is so much pressure to make sure that she doesn’t and even now that it has only been a month she is asking for him less but when she does she is begging me to take her to her daddy. My heart literally feels like it’s a gaping hole in my chest. I just hope it gets easier with time like everyone keeps saying. But man I miss everything about him.

    • Dan  June 19, 2019 at 12:32 am Reply

      Malia, I hope and pray you find the peace for you and your daughter. My wife passed 3 years ago at 38, as I lay here crying I miss her and the pain my two stepsons are dealing with. I came into their lives when the youngest was 5 and he’s now 21. You will always have moments as I am late one night so I found this site and read the stories of others, it helps that you know you’re not alone in this. Don’t give up on God , you are still here and He has purpose for you. Know that this life is but a short time and we will be reunited with our loved ones again. Hold onto that, I have and it does help

  120. Jennifer  May 29, 2019 at 12:16 pm Reply

    My husband died 05/06/19. Our 20th anniversary would have been in August. He was riding an ATV in the mountains with a friend. The mountains were his happy place. He had a massive heart attack. Died instantly. He was only 51 and in seemingly good health. I was given the news by a police chaplain late that night.
    I feel empty. We met on a blind date and knew instantly that we were meant to be together. I was his 3rd consecutive Jennifer. He believed that he had been looking for me… We had a magical relationship; perfect in every way.
    3 weeks before his death, I was in a terrible car accident. I could have died but survived with a broken sternum, 4 broken ribs and some internal swelling. I am still not healed from that. He took such good care of me those last few weeks, caring for me like I was a child, helping me in and out of slumber and in and out of the shower, drying me tenderly. My head rested so comfortably in the crook of his neck and I breathed as deeply as I could, so relaxed there, so safe. There will never be another man strong, secure and sensitive enough for me.
    A part of me wished I had died but I would not wish the loss of me on him. I am sad.. so broken hearted.. so alone.. but he is free. I am lost and so afraid that I will never be found again. I miss him so much.

    • Shaquala  June 20, 2019 at 5:26 am Reply

      Hello I’m praying for you. I found this site just now searching for help. My boyfriend was the best, so I feel your pain. He died a day after your love a massive heart attack as well. We will get through this it hurt my heart to see someone going through what I’m going through. He was only 32 and last behind 2 kids.

  121. Catherine Deal  May 24, 2019 at 5:50 pm Reply

    I watched my husband\best friend die from a PE on 1/26/2018, I can tell you that time-being busy-working-friends-dogs-and therapy have not changed the reality of what I experienced that day. I saw our life and future taken from us. My perspective changed when I saw that and I realize how temporary this time on earth is.
    He used to talk about sitting in our garden holding hands enjoying it when we got old.
    Now I know that I will be in that garden alone. I will need to plant, weed , and water that garden without his help, advise, praise, or company.
    I thank God for the time that I had with him, I amazed that I still even plan for a garden.

  122. Penny  May 15, 2019 at 4:06 am Reply

    It’s reassuring to know that I’m not the only one up all night staring at the clock. A million different things going through my mind. Single parent, provider, can I do this without him? I lost my best friend, my soulmate, my everything, Michael, 11 months ago and there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think of him and how angry I am that he left me and my 2 boys. He chose drugs over us. Started dating when I was 18. Engaged at 21. Married at 22yrs old for 23 years. I try to not get angry and just say it wasn’t him anymore, he wasn’t in the right frame of mind. But then I just think about it and get angry all over again because I feel so betrayed and lied to. After him always putting me first I was no longer the first in line. Tried everything but he wouldn’t give it up. I will now always feel like second bc I lost him to it. Aside from being so torn with my emotions, I miss him so damn much!!! I want him back!!!! My life now feels like something I never felt before. I’ve talked to Michael almost everyday since I was 10yrs old. (That’s when I met him). 35 years he’s been there whenever I needed him. No matter what I needed him for. He was ALWAYS there for me. I feel so lost and empty. The worst is that I’m the one who found him when he died and performed CPR but it was too late. So add guilt to my emotions now. Guilt that if I walked in an hour earlier I could have saved him. I’m just walking through this life now in a complete haze. My love is in a box, 6 feet under. I want him back!!! The man I knew before the drugs though. That’s the guy I want back…every single day!!!!!

    • Kathryn Small  June 5, 2019 at 12:46 pm Reply

      I am so very very sorry for your loss Penny. I too, lost my husband April 2018. It has been over a year and still I am telling myself it isn’t real. That Mike will come back. I want to be with him so bad. We were married 39 years. He was my soulmate, my best friend, my go to person for support, always there for me. I ask God everyday why did he take Mike from me? I can’t make myself believe it really happened. I feel like nothing of a person. So empty, missing him so badly. He was such a good man to me. We married when my son was 4 years old. Mike took up the job of child raising without pause. We were never to have children of our own. It may sound crazy, but I only live to take care of our 4 cats, and also to not cause sadness for my son. Other than that, I have no joy or any place on this earth for happiness. Drs. have me on so many anti-depressants, I feel overwhelmed with medication. Mike was everything to me; I would have died for him. And wish I had. I miss everything about him. I have no words on how to live after the death of someone you love deeply. Maybe someday I will. I am so sorry you are going through this, so sad for you. I hope you find comfort in your own way. Bless you.

      • Cathy  July 8, 2019 at 5:51 pm


        Your post caught my attention I am feeling many of the things that you are I lost my husband May 26 of this year after being with him for 33 years no children no pets. I have never had any of the feelings I’m having now depression anxiety severe loneliness and fear I am seeing a therapist who is not that great and wants me to go on antidepressants but I’ve heard too many negative things. Has anything gotten better for you any insights you can give me ?

  123. Richard Cohen  May 14, 2019 at 7:59 am Reply

    I lost the absolute love of my life on the 25th of January at 10.25 am. She battled so hard against her cancer. I just can’t get over why she had to suffer so badly and why at 43 she had to go. These things particularly are seemingly insurmountable sorrows.

    She taught me about unconditional love between a man an woman. She just chuckled at my eccentricities and loved me. She never raised her voice to me ever. I would be with her for eternity if I could choose. Omg, it seems impossible to live without the best half of my soul gone.

    • Tammy  May 17, 2019 at 3:01 am Reply

      Wow read ur post and I’m going through the same thing so sad my late husband just turned 43 when he passed ur story seems like mine

    • Buck  May 19, 2019 at 11:25 pm Reply

      My wife of 38 years died all of the sudden without me her to hold her hand or say goodbye. I was away to help an elderly parent and came home and found her. You are the only one who has said that you lost half of your soul and I know exactly what you mean. The will to go on is gone. All I can hope for is death to come as soon as possible. There is no reason to keep going.

      • Renate Galgano  May 26, 2019 at 8:49 pm

        Going through a lot of the same things as you. My partner of 41 years suffered with cancer for 21 years. She lost her ability to speak , had a feeding tube , was on oxygen & never complained. When she died I died too. Her family hasn’t spoken to me since the funeral. I did everything for my partner & they only came around on her last days. She was loved by many & missed by many. My heart is broken, I don’t have the interest in staying here anymore. I did promise her I won’t take my life, but my heart is broken & I am so lonely. I feel like I’m trapped somewhere and can’t find my way… I go to the cemetery every day, write in a journal, I’ve been to grief counseling, it doesn’t matter…

      • Misty  August 5, 2019 at 11:32 pm

        Recently , without warning, my whole life has been shattered. On July 23 2019 he pulled out of our driveway ( on a mo-ped , he engineered himself by attaching a weed eater motor to a child’s stand up footing scooter) & into oncoming traffic. The girl who hit him (coincidently a long time friend ) said he didn’t even try slowing to stop. Pulled right into her path & there wasn’t anything she could do. It happened so fast.
        He was only 34 , my best friend , true love , my teamate, soulmate and the father of our beautiful baby girl . Only days after her 2nd Birthday. I was at work @ a gas station in a nearby community when I got the call . Located 13..7 miles from our home .
        I couldn’t get there fast enough.
        At maximum speed ,I screamed & cried begging God not to take him from me. Highway 61 south , already Reduced to one lane was backed up bumper to bumper for miles . I was stuck in traffic.. Somewhere close to 2 miles from home @ a stand still. I parked my car & preceeded to continue on foot. Still pleading w/ God. By the time I made it , out of breath , drenched in tears & sweat .
        Police officers were busy reinacting the incident. He was in an ambulance on his way to the hospital. No one knew the current state of his condition, or so they told me . When I finally arrived @ the hospital he was already gone.
        I was told he sustained massive amounts of trauma , & had already been pronounced dead . . His injuries so severe,that had he survived it wouldn’t have been a good life for him.
        The news Left me, our children & the rest of his family devastated. The next days after are a blur. I kept hoping I’d soon awake to find it was all just a really bad dream.

        He was the cross to my t’s & dot to my i’s. He completed me. I have never experienced the loss of someone so important in my life. I’d also never loved anyone the way I love him. Its so painful. We did everything together.
        He wasn’t the perfect man by far. Dont get me wrong..we had pur differences. Looking back, I regret all the precious time, we wasted bickering over nonsense. Aside from that, the thing is… I enjoyed being w/ Justin. He made me happy. He was an amazing stepfather to my 2 other girls. He worked very hard. He was a man’s man w/ rough hands *& holes in his Jean’s.. He could fix /build anything. Such an attractive & charming guy.
        We shared the same love for all types of music. And loved being outside, thrift stores & spending time with our kids. He was thoughtful , polite & not a day passed that he didnt tell me I was beautiful & that he loved me . He made me things ,& pick up gifts for all of us for no reason. I knew immediately when I met him. He was the one my heart so desired & I never wanted to live a day without him . We made an amazing team. Not to sound arrogant , but we were just a beautiful , dynamic couple ! He helped w/ the kids. Housework, homework you name it..
        Immedeately upon him moving in with us came hardships & tough times. It seemed like anything & everything that could prevent us from being together successfully was happening. .Several tools , 2 trailers & lots of other necessary equipment for his vfx type of work were stolen, leaving us broke w/ no resources to make a living . I was pregnant. Due to the above circumstances , we were forced to find new living arrangements immediately.
        We worked together , he worked very, Very hard preparing our mobile home to be moved .
        People said it couldn’t be done on such little budget & within such a small time frame..
        We did it !
        We Relocated , & now occupy about an acre of land behind my parents house @ the very back of their property .
        We lived almost 2 summers w/ out electricity or running water. It was tough but we did it. Its true, you dont understand the value of these every day luxuries like water, until you have carried every drop.
        During this time either of us could have went to stay w/ family & had these important daily needs restored . However, that meant leaving his side. There was just too many of us , our blended family was too large , to ask some one to put us all up . Neither of us could bare the thought of spending even just one night apart.
        His family, I believe would have tried to take us all in. They lived in Illinois, we in Missouri I couldn’t take my kids out of state due to court ordered visitin & shared custody with their father . Knowing that I would never leave my girls he didnt ever once even ask me to.
        Although impossible to put in words. I’ll never forget how it felt , laying in his arms.. When he held me every worry, ill thought, bad day, all just went away. When id snuggle up to him , my head on his chest , the 2 of us entertwined so comfortably, it was a perfect fit. This was where I belonged. I’m lost without him. He took care of so much in & around our home. Its not the same here without him. I’ve never wanted something so badly. To feel him, smell him, hold him touch him, hear his voice again. I so long for these things . If only I’d known our days were numbered. If only I… what was he doing ?, where was he going.? He was supposed to be coming to see me @ work… I’m driving myself crazy with these thoughts constantly racing in my head. I miss him terribly. Our baby girl ..His other children need him , my girls , his parents & grandparents. . I just keep waiting for him to come home. I look for him in crowds , @ stores & every night in my dreams. Until we meet again my body & soul will remain incomplete.

  124. Suzanne  April 29, 2019 at 2:49 am Reply

    My partner , best friend and soul mate took his own life om March 17. He died alone,. We were forced due to financial pressure of him not having a job and estranged wife of 2 years not agreeing to a settlement , to vacate a lease. We were living separately for a week before he died in temporary places. He seemed upbeat, we had rowed but were fixing things and were on good terms and still together . I am devastated. His estranged wife has taken revenge – claimed half our deposit, taken all our joint possessions. She stopped me seeing his body. She has airbrushed his life – the funeral was a joke of pretence. She ruined a tribute organising my his running friends . She is hounding me even now – not content that the pressure she put him under contributed to this. He had being drinking heavily for a while. i tried to help him.
    I cannot and don’t want to continue without the man I wish I met 20 years ago and was to spend the next 20 with. We were a great team – at everything. We were so insanely in love. he wanted the pretence of his marriage over – he said i made him realise what real love was – and he did same for me. We were robbed of our future. I gave him years he wouldnt have had as all his friends said how he should never have married the ex. She is proving what he always said she was . And wont stop till I go the same way.
    I dont know how I am meant to feel. Emptiness is all consuming. Will this pain ever stop? I wake up every day and want him to be there. Its so so dark. This is what they mean by love hurts.

    • Sne  July 15, 2019 at 5:37 pm Reply


      Your post is hitting where it hurts most I’m wearing the same shoes as you my boyfriend took his life last week Tuesday 2019/07/09 the estranged ex wife to be and her ex husband were with him in the house, we promised to love each other till death and even after death we will continue to, ooh!! How I wish I can turn back the time we are true love birds I don’t know how to cope friends and family thanked me that at least he died a happy man because of me, however I feel so lost without him for the first time someone loved me the way I wanna be loved and I love him back just as much it was our 7th month but it felt like a lifetime ?

  125. Kristy Marshall  April 28, 2019 at 4:44 am Reply

    On April 6th 2019 my beautiful husband came into my office and told me that he was going to take a ride on his motorcycle it was early in the afternoon and the weather was nice I barely paid attention I was in work mode we kissed I said see you in a little bit love you and he never came home and to say that I’m crushed just doesn’t seem like enough I’m destroyed we met when we were 15 in high school we had a brief little love affair at 17. We ended up marrying other people and divorcing those people 20 years later we got back together in 2008. We were engaged for five years we were waiting for our children to be old enough that they wouldn’t have to go through the whole step kids thing we got married in 2012 and we’ve always had like a Nicholas Sparks movie, romance the kind that everybody was jealous of and now I can’t breathe I’m so lonely I had to move I couldn’t stay in my house because I could see him everywhere so I just had to move away from the house that we built together and I’m just torn up every day and I just wish that I could go too I don’t want to be here and I can’t tell anybody that they’re all telling me how strong I am you’re the strongest person I know you’re going to make it through this and what they don’t understand is I don’t want to I don’t know how people do this I just don’t know I’m struggling just to be alive I don’t have any real for it I’m going to start Counseling on Monday I just can’t imagine it’s going to help me but I’m gonna try it we just had so many plans and we always did stuff together I talk to him on the way to work I’ll talk to him on the way home from work and now I just wake up and there’s nothing there’s nothing funerals over everybody’s going back to their lives because they have to I can’t stand to be in public I can’t stand to see couples touching each other or holding hands.

    • Sissy Mertens  January 5, 2020 at 8:22 pm Reply

      I feel exactly the same way. I lost my boyfriend and people tell me I’m strong and that they could not do what I am doing… but they don’t understand that I think he is so lucky to be dead, to not feel any pain anymore. I know it is possible to survive but I don’t think I will ever LIVE again and that is not a life that I want. Our love was one that everyone else strived for as well, our connection was electric and we were inseparable. I refuse to believe I will never hear his voice again.

  126. Misty  April 22, 2019 at 1:42 pm Reply

    I lost my husband on March 11, 2019. He was 39 years old and suffered a massive heart attack after practicing basketball with his friends. He told them he was hurting in his chest but he was OK. He made it half way home before pulling over in a church parking lot and calling me to bring my 16 year old son and come pick him up. He wouldn’t tell me why but I could tell he sounded panicked so I immediately ran to car and out the driveway. When we arrived 8 minutes later he was unresponsive and not breathing. We tried CPR but ultimately he was already gone. Paramedics arrived and worked tirelessly to bring him back but it didn’t work. We were married for only 7 years and together for 9 but it was both our second marriage and we truly were soul mates. He was my everything all in one, my lover/ best friend/ co parent. Its been almost 6 weeks and I am so lost. I cry every day. I took 2 weeks off work but still haven’t been able to complete a whole week since being back. I sometimes think to myself that I’m not sure how I will survive this. The thoughts of living a life without him makes my stomach churn. I know I have to survive it, I have children to care for but at this point I don’t know how.

    • Adam  April 26, 2019 at 2:47 am Reply

      I lost my wife after a sudden rare heart infection , she was 40 yrs old . It’s been just over a yr , 23 surgeries & 4 months she suffered . We have a 11 yr old boy & we were married 7 yrs / together 14 yrs. I have my good days & bad , sleeping is never easy . I just can’t wrap my head around how she’s gone . She was healthy one min & Clinging to life the next . It’s not easy taking care of a Grieving child who is going thru early stages of puberty . We both miss his mother very much as she was the glue that kept us together. I just try to take it day by day & hopefully things will get better . Only time can heal a broken heart .

    • Erica Walls  May 28, 2019 at 12:48 am Reply

      Hi Misty,
      I too understand the endless pain that you are going through. My husband died on April 24, 3019 from a heartache. He was only 40 years old. We were married on May 27, 2018, so I didn’t have a chance to enjoy a whole year…we never got the chance to go on on honeymoon.
      My husband was my best friend, he stood by my side throughout a horrible custody battle with my ex husband which led to severe depression. He never left my side.
      The day he died I was away on a business trip and I was arguing with him over something that seems so stupid now.
      I was so caught up in being angry that I didn’t tell him that I loved him when we got off the phone earlier that day.
      When I finally calmed down and decided to call him later that evening, it was too late. He didn’t answer.
      I got the call less than a hour later that he had a heartache while driving and didn’t make it.
      I was so devastated.
      I’m so lost without him…he was my soulmate
      There isn’t a moment in a day that goes by when he’s not in my thoughts.
      I do my best to be strong for my stepchildren and mines.
      I would never wish this type of pain on anyone

  127. Jennifer Welsh  April 15, 2019 at 5:45 pm Reply

    I lost my partner on 1/4/19 and just had his funeral today. My heart is broken, my soul is destroyed, my mind is numb and I can’t get over this. He was 32 years old and has left behind 1 daughter and 2 step kids and myself. He was also epileptic and never had an easy time. He was refused access to his daughter from a previous relationship through no fault of his own. His ex just didn’t like the fact he had moved to Glasgow to be with me. His mum took his ex’s side and stopped talking to him in 2016 and he went to solicitors to fight for access but was refused legal aid 3 times and had to give up. He last saw his daughter in 2017. He had an operation to remove a testicle in January this year, it was confirmed to be cancerous. We were told it had spread to his lung and was stage 3c. He was told he would be getting 4x ep cycles of chemo. He was given an 85% chance of survival. Only his sister back home bothered to contact him, he never heard from his mother, or brother or anyone else in his family. A couple of friends reached out to him but NO ONE bothered to come and see him. After 1 cycle of chemo.. his tumor markers were undetectable and his doctor said without a ct scan he can’t be 100% sure but he would say the cancer is gone. I begged them not to do the next 3 cycles then because I was worried about his fertility as we desperately wanted a child of our own, but I was told it’s precautionary!… so we battled on.. done the 2nd cycle.. done the 3rd cycle.. the doctors struggled to get blood from him on TWO separate days whilst doing the 3rd cycle, struggled to get the cannula in because of this, he completed the 3rd cycle and was discharged from hospital on the 30/3/19… He died 2 days later!! Pulmonary embolism said the autopsy.. massive one they said. A blood clot!!! Maybe his blood was clotting during the 3rd cycle hence the reason they struggled to get the blood??? I dont know but I will be checking this out!!! After he died I got his picture shared all over social media to get an applause at the next football match of his team.. i had it telling people hes a father of 3 and people from his home town commenting on it telling people he’s not,. He’s got 1 daughter.. they never bothered with him for 2 years.. then he got cancer.. they still never bothered with him.. then he died.. now they try and take away the fact he was so amazing he stepped in for 2 kids that didn’t have a dad and brought them up as his own.. that sickened me. My youngest was 1 when we met and looked at him as a daddy and they tried to take that away from him. He would have been gutted. And I am totally devastated with him dying, I just want to go with him

  128. Jules  April 9, 2019 at 11:58 am Reply

    My common law husband died suddenly June 6, 2018. We had been together for 17 years. Has been the hardest 10 months of my life for a sister in law decides to open an estate for his 2 grown children which she had no business doing. She would see us maybe a handful of times a year. But the daughter and my two grand boys was very involved with us and the son lives out of state so we really never him much but thought we was all family. Unfortunately, my husband didn’t have a will but after 17 years I knew all his wishes but that didn’t matter to them..They have been nothing but cruel, greedy humans which would make my husband very sad. I have given them so much but it’s like they want to take all my memories away..So sad!!

    One thing I will say to all is, Please if you don’t have a will. GET IT DONE! Would have changed a lot in my life

    • jaw  April 9, 2019 at 12:09 pm Reply

      All I have wanted is to grief the man I have loved for 17 years and his immediate family that was all family to us and we all got along like a family. All they want is money and things that don’t exist. Can’t believe that this happened in the first place and how greed can ruin a family. We didn’t have much but we was in our mid to late 50’s and had started to travel and make plans for our retired future. All I can say is shame on all of them and they should all be ashamed of themselves. One of the saddest things also about this is I haven’t seen my 2 grand boys since the day of my husbands service for all they do is keep wanting to take from me. Just wished they would move on and let us all grief. But they seem to not want to let it go.

      • Jules  April 9, 2019 at 12:12 pm

        sorry all the last post was from me also and for some reason on the name, came out as Jaw but it’s my post

      • Liza Reheiser  April 16, 2019 at 1:17 pm

        I fully understand how you feel my husband of 11 years passed away of colon cancer. His adult children have been on my case trying to get what he and I have worked for. I have so much stress. I moved away from that city so that I can grieve. He called them dogs he knew what would happen since he would not be around to keep them in check. He did not leave a will and this has been hard. I will keep praying and wishing you well. Just keep in mind how he felt about you. There has been so much hatefulness. Sometimes I feel like I can’t go on.

      • ian  April 20, 2019 at 7:23 pm

        hi LIZAi hope youve found solace and not been hounded by partner of 28 years passed away 10th feb,id told Jayne my partner that i love her parents to bits,she told them.well when jayne passed away the first contact was them asking for Jaynes financial records which i gave them as jayne didnt have a will,then within 2 days the car was taken was told im not stealing itwell ive not seen it since,then a day or so later was called by jaynes mum to say if jayne had written a will her and her husband would have been left the house and pension.doesnt matter if jayne would of left it them or not as they are next of kin.i miss jayne more than anything all i want is to be burried next to or with her when i die but seeing as her parents have revealed they have never liked me i think its unlikely id get my last wishes.they are a nasty family the funeral write up was not good was about jayne loving the nieces and nephews and family rounded of with she brought fun to the family,well i wrote a article about jayne in the paper a life story of her workin history and achievements plus how pround i was of her achievements and how much i loved her.

  129. ian  April 5, 2019 at 10:10 pm Reply

    my partner or 28 years Jayne,was given the all clear from breast cancer on 10 may 2018, on january 23rd we went to drs because Jayne had swelling in her lower legs.Jayne mentioned to the dr other things that were wrong,he gave her a letter to take to the hospital.we were given the news she had cancer,a scan was taken and was told hopefully she could have chemo.she was uncomfortable over the next 2 wks ,then we get the news the scan had been looked at again and was showing that Jayne,s liver was infested with cancer.Jayne was told there was nothing that could be done.She decided go to the hospice.I stayed 2 nights with her,on the 2nd day i was with her when Jayne took her final breath,it was 2.45am 10th feb 2019,and my world fell apart,not only did i lose my best friend lover and soul mate,ive since found out that her family dont like me,so thinking id be getting a bit of support,ive had nothing but hurtful things done ,for starters the father who was going do the service for Jaynes funeral hadnt been told that Jayne had got a partner nevermind that it was 28 years.lots of other things like a really crappy read write up of the funeral were the family had put how much jayne had loved them ,no comments about them missing or loving her.they really are the pits.i loved Jayne with all my heart ,hence ive written an article dedicated to jayne mentioning her academic achievements and her very good work history as well as mentioning her friends and great holidays and how proud i was of her and how much she meant to will be in the local paper next having bereavement counselling and constantly crying and getting very emotional.i cannot look forward as im so lost without Jayne she was my everything and im struggling from minute to minute to get through each day .my heart goes out to all those whove lost a partner who they love more than anything as i know life will never ever be the same.

    • Lisa  April 7, 2019 at 1:59 pm Reply

      Good day Ian, It’s sad to know how her family treated you. Remarkable words you shared about your lover. May God continue to give you strength at this time.

      • ian  April 12, 2019 at 8:39 am

        thank you Lisa
        im having bereavement counselling at present,still having nasty calls from Jaynes mum.
        ended up contacting a solicitor,going do what i can to make sure they dont get it all their own way.
        I know what Jayne would of wanted,everyone to get along,i tried my best,but its hard knowing how much they dislike me.
        will have to see what the next few weeks months etc bring.
        king regards

    • Adil  April 24, 2019 at 12:59 pm Reply

      Im so sorry for your loss and reading such tragic losses here my soulmate of seventeen years passed away in my arms on the 24 of October gone so it is six months today I am utterly heartbreakon destroyed such a empty heavy heart panic anxiety doesn’t seem real or right we had seventeen years together all was getting well in hospital until sepsis attacked I wouldn’t wish seeing the pain and terror on my worst enemy he had a bug falling out with no comeback with hus family six years previously not one card was sent on a birthday Christmas anything so me friends nurses asked if he wanted them to know he said No I stuck by my soulmates wishes no life insurance so had to deal with the funeral service flowers everything lost my one true love I was 22 he 23 passed away in my arms six months ago today aged 39 im am so lost can’t comprehnd what has happens didn’t even make it too hus 40th birthday which would have been January the pain of having to write hus birthday card out place it in the coffin with a Christmas card etc….. it unbearable keep telling my self hes at the shops stand at the window looking out for him im utterly devastated can describe the feeling at all take care

  130. Djuna  April 4, 2019 at 8:40 pm Reply

    Husband died March 9th 72 hours after coming home from a 4 month stay in hospital. Year battle with cancer.
    I think I’m still numb and in shock

  131. Leen  March 31, 2019 at 11:11 am Reply

    It’s been 2 years. It still hurts like yesterday. I believe I had a dream of him. Thank you everyone for being brave and sharing your words. My life was shattered when my fiance died 5 minutes from home. I am now a single mom of three. I spent plenty of days crying then numb staring into space. I felt guilty that my kids have to miss their dad and I didnt want them to miss their mom. I began exercising, doing yoga and meditating. I know there is hope. I believe in you and me. This dream triggered some emotional things. Forever missed. 3.2.17

    • Laurine  July 16, 2019 at 11:02 pm Reply

      I lost my fiance June 2nd in a horrible car accident he was 38 I’m 36 we have 2 boys together one will be 2 next week and I have a 3 yr old and when we reunited after 11 years I had a 1 year old I knew him half my life he was my very good friend as teenager’s and when I was 17 I dated him for a couple months I loved him then and LOVE him with all my heart till this very moment we were crazy in love with each other I think about him every second of every day I cry every day for him and just can’t understand why he’s gone I just pray everyday that I’ll be ok one day as I read all these stories I see now I’m not alone but feel so empty inside and alone I’ll be praying for you all

  132. Chris  March 25, 2019 at 12:28 am Reply

    Thank you for the site. My wife died very suddenly at age 43 after 16 years of marriage. It has been 6 months and although I thought it might get easier it has been anything but. It does help to know that others understand. I have had difficult articulating my feelings but this article does a good job of that. I just wish that horse would stop kicking me in the stomach every day. Cant sleep, can’t eat just getting out of bed is a major accomplishment

    • Simon Clark  April 28, 2019 at 1:14 pm Reply

      Hi Chris, It’s been a year and 6 months for me. I’m convinced it doesn’t get any easier, but in some ways it does. You’ll learn to live with these feelings and it’s better to express them in any way you can rather than hold them up inside. Don’t listen to people who tell you hurtful things like, you’ll meet someone else etc as you may or may not. It’s none of there business and you’ll do what you can when your ready to do that. As a man, we get very little support compared to the women who have lost there partners as we’re expected to be tough. Well we’re human too. But as a man it is our job to get up and keep grinding that axe. You’ve done this before and you can certainly do it again, so don’t give up buddy. We’re not done with the world yet!

  133. Patty  March 19, 2019 at 11:53 pm Reply

    My sweet, big hearted boyfriend was stolen from me by a customer at the nightclub he worked at. Unlike many of the comments here (which by the way break my heart) my boyfriend was taken from me by someone with the intent to hurt someone (not him in particular, but they brought their gun with the intent to hurt) which is the hardest thing for me to cope with. He was such a good guy – strong, hard working (working security was his part time job) and a family man. He was working seven days a week at two jobs to prepare for us to take the next step together – having kids, getting married, etc. It makes me mad every time that I think about the fact that someone literally stole my future from me over something so stupid. I’ve felt most of the stuff highlighted in this post but also I’ve felt anger heavily. He would still be here had someone not mad up their mind that they would hurt him.

    • Tina  April 7, 2019 at 4:31 pm Reply

      My boyfriend was also taken from me on October 12th 2018, shot in the back by a woman who claimed self defense & is currently getting away with it. He never touched this woman (who was a neighbor) and was completely unarmed… unfortunately the county where this happened is corrupt & would rather sweep it under the rug then have to deal with it. He was murdered the day our daughter turned one month old…. The pain from losing your partner is something I could never explain to anyone but the pain of losing him at the hands of someone else makes it 1 million times harder I’m so sorry for your loss…

      • Patty  April 8, 2019 at 8:47 pm

        Wow Tina, I am so sorry to hear that. That hurts me just reading that and knowing that you aren’t getting justice. Praying for your strength and peace love.

  134. will  March 3, 2019 at 6:56 pm Reply

    In 2015 my significant other somehow contracted Necrotizing facitis. He was an ultra marathon runner and he was mere days from death. We fought from July to December of that year. The doctors managed to save his legs where the infection grew, but his days as an ultra marathon runner we done. His depression that followed was miserable, so we got a service dog for emotional support and it really seemed to work. He was happy, we went out a lot with her, she is our furry baby girl. We did manage to run one more marathon with her before he decided it was too much. In January of 2018, his walking suddenly went back to almost unable to and he could barely move his right leg. By the time we got to the ER he couldnt move his right arm either. We sat in our room for hours before the doctor came to let us know they found a mass in his brain and he would need to have surgery that day to alleviate the pressure. His surgeon came to let us know that his surgery was a great success only to let us know that it started in his lungs. I have to mention, when we met, it was our deal that he would stop smoking, and he did. Cold turkey even. never smoked again. I guess the damage was already done. He was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. Our battle began again. We were told that things looked good. Brain cancer was gone, and were sure we could somehow get him into remission. We did all we knew to do. During chemo he started getting weak and tired, but that was all to be expected. We thought we could get through it through diet and exercise, but it became to hard to move some days and the drugs killed his appetite. My beautiful man who I have been with for 22 years shrank from 165 lbs to his current 125 and is now to weak to do anymore chemo. Hes laying on the couch right now with our dog, to tired to move, to tired to talk and I simply am already grieving, because he keeps telling me that he is talking to my father who passed last year. He is making me feel as though today is the day, and if im honest,when i was with my father to his last breath, this is exactly how it happened. I had to be the stone for my family. Now I am seeing that I have to be the stone for his and its so hard. I feel like I have to mourn for my father and my partner alone because Ive had to be support for everyone else. I used to believe that God never gives you more than you can handle, and now I’ve lost all my faith because I just cant handle anymore. Life is going to be so hard without him.

    • Suzanne  March 4, 2019 at 2:34 pm Reply

      I am so sorry to hear about what you have been going through and what you will go through in the months to come. The pain of grief can be difficult to describe accurately to people who haven’t experienced this type of loss. Your heart actually can ache from it. Support from really dear friends/family or a good grief counselor can help but they can’t alleviate the pain you experince and there isn’t a choice , you have to go through pain to somehow finally come out the other side. How long that takes I don’t know. It’s been 8 months since I lost my husband and there are days when the pain is as fresh as when he died. But taking one minute, one hour, one day at a time is all I can do. Again, I am so very sorry you have to go through this. I wish you strength.

    • Jackie  March 15, 2019 at 6:15 pm Reply

      I am keeping you in my prayers. I also had to be the strength when my father passed. Then my mom. Then, my husband and best friend of 40 years on 12/16/17. My husband went from 165lbs. to 99 right before he passed from ALS. The horrible beyond horrible is that ALS runs in our family, so this is not the end. I can’t even fathom going through more, but I know I will. They say that God doesn’t give you more than you can handle, but he has given it to me. Surely I have earned my wings already and hope I don’t have to endure any more. I just retired. We had so many plans. Now, my hope is that I can join him before this disease hurts anymore that I love, especially my children.

  135. Suzanne  March 2, 2019 at 1:05 am Reply

    The postings here are such perfect descriptions of what grief feels like to anyone who has not suffered the loss of someone they dearly loved. My healthy, active husband developed a blood infection which came out of nowhere in April of 2018. That infection ate a hole in his heart two months after what we initially thought was the flu. He died June 23, 2018. We were married for just over 25 years but had been together longer. The grief I have felt has been the mostly painful emotion I have ever experienced, and as others have described it has been a crushing, all encompassing pain, even after eight months. I can now function during the day but I cry most nights when I get into our empty bed and am sad every morning when I awake. Even though I was with him when he died I still expect him to come walking in the house because this must just be a nightmare. We didn’t have children and I don’t have any family in the area, but I am so thankful to have some very good and caring friends who are helping me survive. My counselor asks me if I can see what my future may look like without him and I am clueless, there is no picture without him. I am still working and very involved with an animal rescue group but it’s not enough. I try to look for little things that give me some joy every day and that helps a little. Perhaps one day there will be more to bring joy back into my life, but for now it’s tears and loneliness .

    • Sonja  March 3, 2019 at 11:05 am Reply

      I can truly relate!! My very active and loving husband was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer that spread to the liver in May 2018 and he died Jan 2019.. We were married 32 years the 13th of March!! He was 54!! All of our children are grown but our oldest granddaughter(13) was his heartstring!! I just feel like i don’t have a life without him..i cry all the time and i have great family support but i miss him so bad until i can’t breathe sometimes….i know people say it will get better but it only seems to worsen for me. He was my everything down on this earth!! I love God and i know that he has to have another plan for my life because he took him at such a young age. I guess we have to just wait and see!! My thoughts and prayers are definitely with you!!

      • Suzanne  March 4, 2019 at 2:52 pm

        Sonja, I am sorry you lost your husband at such a youg age, Your grief is still too fresh and I felt, and can sometimes still feel , exactly the same way where you feel the pain so intensely you can’t seem to get in another breath. The frequency will eventually decrease slowly over the months but I can’t say the force of the grief lessens. There is no end to the grief just the slow, subtle changes in it as the months go by. The “anniversary” of the beginning of my husband’s illness is approaching and I can already feel the resurfacing of the pain of reliving the two months he went through before he died.

      • Mary  April 15, 2019 at 1:29 am

        I’m exactly where you are. My sweet husband was diagnosed with Stage 4 Colon Cancer in Dec 2016 and I just lost him on March 30th, just 15 days ago. He did everything the doctors told him to do and yet he didn’t make it. I feel so lost.
        He was the most wonderful person I’ve ever known and I’ll never adjust to living without him.
        He had just turned 59. Too young.

    • Pat  March 4, 2019 at 6:26 am Reply

      We have exactly the same experienced my husband died with blood infections I wish I can meet you up to share our sorrows I felt so excruciating pain every time thinking of him and being alone

      • Suzanne  March 5, 2019 at 12:03 am

        Pat, this has been a very good website to provide information and answer questions about the grief experience. Everyone’s story on how the loss happened is different but the grief we feel is so similar, our pain is just as intense no matter the circumstance that brought us to this point. It is learning how to survive without the one we love. Everyone will do it differently but perhaps sharing suggestions will help one other person.

  136. Benj  March 1, 2019 at 7:47 pm Reply

    Re point 14. I’m the partner in a relationship with someone whose previous girlfriend died. I’m really trying my best but although we talked about the technicalities of what happened my boyfriend is very locked up with his feelings. I know the article says you can love someone in the present and also cherish the person from the past .. I knew he lost his girlfriend before we started dating and this was never an issue. Now however we’ve been together for over a year and planning a life together and I’m suddenly very overwhelmed that he was previously in a relationship with someone who he loved very much and the relationship ended. It’s going to be five years since her death this year and I’m the first serious partner he’s had since and I don’t doubt his feelings but I really want to be his one true love. Neither one of us was ever married. They were only together for a year before she died but I hate the idea that someone had to die for us to be together and dont know how to think about her.

  137. Serge  February 25, 2019 at 7:18 pm Reply

    In a couple of day February 27 2019 will be my Wife & I 53rd Wedding Anniversary. We have a son who is 52 years old. My Wife passed away October 13 2018 five days before our son’s Birthday. For three miserable years since 2016 she began to be affected with Alzheimer’s & Dementia the horrors of the infirmity was something I could not have imagined. She become at time unrecognizable in her Talk, actions & conduct, the saddest years of my life & it culminated in her dying .Could not say goodbye because she was not consciously aware. A huge emptiness fills my heart without respite. I wish I would have died with her. She was everything to me, my rock, my friend my Lover my confidante, I feel lost without her.
    Now the sadness & loneliness I feel is beyond words, I miss her so much every moment of the day is a struggle to stay alive.
    I am so tired of this misery & that is not a pleasant subject for anyone to deal with. In the last Five years I have lost my mother
    my brother, two of my friends & the Love of my life. I can not even think of getting rid of her clothing, shoes etcetera.
    I hold her clothing near my heart & Love her memory & cry cry cry… I kiss her Picture everyday. I hope to see her again when I die.

  138. James  February 20, 2019 at 4:26 am Reply

    My boyfriend was 33 years old, a police officer, and I’m 23 years old, in my second semester of nursing school to eventually be an ICU nurse. We were a same-sex couple. In about an hour, it’ll have been 2 weeks since he collapsed from sudden cardiac arrest from a blood clot. I woke up at 4:45 AM to him waving back and forth sitting on the edge of the bed….I ask him babe what’s wrong, and he’s just clutching his chest saying his chest hurts. I didn’t think too much of it. He got up to get a glass of water in the kitchen and I heard him collapse. I ran in the kitchen and found him unresponsive without a pulse. I tried doing CPR on him the best that I could while juggling calling 911, getting his dog out of the room….I saw him gasp for his last breaths as I was sitting over him. I have been having the worst two weeks of my life dealing with this. As stubborn as we both were to each other, I loved him so deeply…I wanted him to be my husband. He will always be my husband and the love of my life. I’m trying so hard to continue on and push forward and finish nursing school….but this article comforted me a lot, especially since I am home alone with my cat and his German Shepherd. I feel like I’m just waiting for him to come home….it feels like a nightmare I can’t get out of. I love you to the moon and back Donny.

    • Jamie  February 23, 2019 at 8:21 pm Reply


      I’m so very sorry to hear this. You two will always have each other. It is very hard when we lose our best friends.

    • Danielle Raitt  February 27, 2019 at 5:23 am Reply

      Dear James

      Your story was touching as its sounds so familiar, although I wasn’t able to assist my husband, he passed away alone, only through a two mediums was i able to establish it was his heart and a blood clot which i thought from the beginning but am not in the medical field, just from my gut or sixth sense. We too where stubborn but loved with all our heart and soul. I strongly suggest reading as much as you can, iv purchased a few books, although based in South Africa, ordered locally and via Amazon, one that stood out is a recent purchase called Soul Conversations, there are also Chicken Soup for The soul, a variety of which you can choose or maybe you have a local Library that might have some books on grief and afterlife. Your not alone, Donny is with you and once you can quieten your heart and talk to him you will eventually start seeing signs, you will know these as soon as you see them and feel his presence. It an earthbound pain we feeling, its tattered and torn up our entirety, no visuals of happiness just caught in a fishbowl of hurt, and this is ok, dont feel you not allowed to grieve or mourn you are this is how much you love him and can continue to love. We made a memory wall for my hubby as we have 3 kids and speak to him all the time as if he is there. It was his 43 birthday on the 26 Feb 2019, we released 43 balloons with messages on, had a huge sense of calm over me, strangely enough and 28 Feb will only be two months. I wills hare a poem i wrote the other day, this too helps me with my own grief
      My eyes are so blurry I cannot see
      Like a wave of white horses over me
      Lingering souls on two difference planes
      Longing to reach out for their twin flame
      So much left unsaid and not completed
      Without you here im tor-mentally defeated

      I hope this can bring some love and light to you

    • Lisa  March 14, 2019 at 1:20 am Reply

      My heart goes out to you. My daughter, who lost her 25 year old fiancee to a work accident was with him when he took his last breaths. That was almost 1 year ago. Believe it or not, I think she does some peace now in being with him at the end of his life. I can’t believe either you, or she, will have something in your life that could be more difficult than that. I wish you love and healing as you navigate this first year and please be gentle with your self. I will be holding you in my heart.

    • Jordi  March 14, 2019 at 3:51 pm Reply

      So sorry for your loss. It is absolutely horrible. My husband (11 years married and 13 together) died suddenly of a heart attack on Feb 2nd 2019. We were a same-sex couple too. There are no words to describe the pain and emotions that I am going through. He was my everything and 1.5 months later I still cry most of the day. Especially afternoons and nights when we would be together. Being with good friends helps, staying with them too. We had a dog together too. She and I is what is left of our family, and when she is sad I cry. I am also seeing a counselor and a psychiatrist. But it feels like my life has ended. Can’t barely see while writing as my eyes are full of tears. Today I had to stay in our home because I am sick and I have been crying all day. Every other thought reminds me of him, everything in the house reminds me of him, and I cry of the amazing 13 years together we had but also I cry for what he will not be able to do. It just feels unreal. Since he passed, I have been staying with friends every weekend. It is still hard, but being alone is horrible. I stay several days with friends during the week too, but I am trying to be at home longer periods, slowly. Not sure if this reply helps you, but think that you are not alone.

  139. Daniel Pedraza. LCSWR  February 17, 2019 at 2:41 pm Reply

    Well my story is not too different from everyone else’s I met my wife when she was 21 years of age I was about 26 we met at work and we were best friends at first and it basically morphed into a very good relationship I got sick with a tumor she took care of me and after only a couple of months dating I knew that this is the person that I needed to marry I asked her to marry me she said yes and we were married for 27 years. She gave me two beautiful daughters or both adults now my wife had been sick for a little while she passed away on May 2nd 2018 however she had her cardiac arrest on April 24th so when I called 911 I was waiting over 10 minutes for them to arrive and I tried to do CPR along with my daughter but my wife had told me many many times not to revive her. But the selfishness in me wanted her to survive when the EMS arrived they continued to revive her and they were able to succeed but at least 10 minutes had already passed and she was for all purposes almost brain dead. I did all things with her. Our marriage had its ups and downs but we stuck together. She was my best friend and knew things about me that my own family did not know. She would interrupt me at work like ten times a day and now Iiss that so much. I want to believe in the afterlife and that we will be together again. I still cry every day. Our wedding song was unchained melody each time I listen to the song I cry. But I am going to honor her last wish and that is bury her ashed with her younger brother who died twenty years ago. She was 51 the other day something really strange happened I was listening to our wedding song and crying again and then all the sudden I don’t know where a song started playing on my phone that I did not have stored on my phone or at least I didn’t think I did it was a song by the famous salsa Queen Celia Cruz who died herself about 10 years ago and the song in Spanish says that we will see each other again in heaven I started to cry but the crying was one of happiness.

  140. Jamie  February 15, 2019 at 6:31 pm Reply

    My husband passed away 2/12/2019. He’s my best friend. Was with him since I was 18 years old. We have been together for 25 years and married for 20 years. We have a 21 year old daughter. He had a stroke on New Years Eve and never came home. He passed away from complications from heart infection. He had gone through so much and I know that this was a release for him. My daughter and I were with him when he took his last breath. We are very thankful for that. This so raw and my chest and heart literally hurts. I try to stay calm around our daughter but I miss him so very much. We did everything together like grocery shopping to housework. We laughed together often. When something happens I want to call him and I remember he isn’t here. I don’t know what to do. I sleep with his tee shirts as they smell like him. I refuse to have anything moved of his. He had left his sneakers out front as they were dirty and they are still there. The last time he was home, he had set out the black eyed peas and cornbread ingredients and we were looking forward to watching Twilight Zone marathon on New Years Day like we have done for 25 years.
    He meant so much to many people. Neighbors and their children stop by the house and tell us their memories of my husband. I wear his wedding ring around my neck. I see senior married couples and I get angry and sad as I will not have that.
    My husband gave me a new title besides being a wife and mother, I’m not a widow. He will always be my husband.
    I know it will take time and I will adjust not having him with me but it’s very hard.

    • Anna  February 15, 2019 at 11:37 pm Reply

      Jamie. My husband passed away on 2/4/19 of a heart attack at the age of 49. We met when I was 18 and married for 28 years. He passed away in our home. All I see is him everywhere. I don’t know what I’m going to without him. We also did everything together. He was my everything and always will be. I sleep with his sweater, look at his pictures and listen to his voice in videos. I feel like the I’m just existing until I see him again. His friends come over and talk about him. Sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn’t. Now that is has been almost 2 weeks it seems every one is going on with their life and I get angry that they are. Our daughter has been with me since that day but I’m so lonely and lost without him. I know they say it will get easier but right now it doesn’t feel that way. Everything we did was for each other and we had so many plans for the future and my heart breaks thinking about how we won’t have that.

      • Jamie  February 16, 2019 at 10:34 am

        I’m so very sorry! We have lost our best friends, our other half. I feel that a part of me died when he took his last breath. The heart actually hurts. Friends and neighbors stop by and talk about my husband and their memories. I try to keep it together and be strong but it doesn’t work. I keep telling myself a day at a time. I even asked myself if he knew just how much I love him and if I said it enough to him.
        Being with these men since we were 18 just hits home that they are all we know and that ours lives were enriched because of them and we grew with them.
        Again…I’m so very sorry…

      • Anna  February 16, 2019 at 4:29 pm

        Thank you Jamie. It’s nice talking with someone who feels exactly as I do. I am truly sorry for your loss as well. Our lives will be forever changed without them. Every day that goes by more of the reality hits me of being without him. Thank you for responding it really does help knowing there is someone out there going through this and I am not alone in feeling the way I do.

      • Anna  February 16, 2019 at 5:12 pm

        Thank you Jamie. It’s nice talking with someone who feels exactly as I do. I am truly sorry for your loss as well. Our lives will be forever changed without them. Every day that goes by more of the reality hits me of being without him. Thank you for responding it really does help knowing there is someone out there going through this and I am not alone in feeling the way I do.

  141. Nancy  February 5, 2019 at 11:00 am Reply

    I cannot believe my husband is gone. Still too raw. I can relate to too many on that list. The love of my life was dead in minutes on 11/25/2018 of a heat attack. We were going to get the Christmas decorations out to decorate. Watched a movie, he spoke to his daughter on the phone and then took the dog for a walk. 20 min later someone was knocking on my door. Everyone was on the street and someone said “is the dog okay”. I grabbed my coat and went out front to see an ambulance down the street. It was my husband. I went down there and they wouldn’t let me see him. We went to the hospital and were put in a room. The doctor told me he was gone.

    I sat with him for what seemed like hours waiting for him to wake up. We were still getting over the loss of my youngest son from cancer in Oct 2014. I needed him here. I still wait for him to finish the walk and come home.

    What I do next I don’t know. We were a blended family and had been together almost 30 years and would have been married 29 years this April. We lost his oldest son in 1993 at 22 years old and my youngest son from cancer in 10/2014 just turned 29. He was the love of my life and each day is a challenge. We were together pretty much 24/7 for almost 14 years. Before that we both worked but spent every hour possible together. He had just been to the doctor and had the heart and blood pressure of a teenager. He went to the doctor every month because of his back injury. They said it was probably an embolism.

    I have no answers how to recover. I want to be his wife not his widow and for now I need to believe this is all a dream. I hope my time comes sooner than later so I can be with him. I am not suicidal. We are/were the same age 64 and soul mates.
    For now I am exhausted and wondering what I do with the rest of my life. I keep saying “day by day”, try to write in a log every day to let him know how I feel. I talk to him, scream holler and cry every day. By myself. My step daughter and her husband moved in with me so we could keep my home. I am so grateful. The two other sons, one his one mine, live in other states. My son offered also for me to come live with him but leaving everything we have built, to live in one room, was impossible for me.

    I am at a point that most don’t want to deal with my sorrow so I try to keep it to myself. For now that is okay…
    Our plans have been destroyed and we had so many. Financially we were just ready to start fulfilling some of those plans. That is now gone.
    I have babbled enough. My best to everyone

    • Marie  February 6, 2019 at 7:14 pm Reply

      Nancy, Our stories are very similar. My husband of 40+ years died suddenly from a heart attack 18 months ago. He had just retired and we also had plenty of plans for our future too. Half of myself is gone, and have no idea how I am going to spend the rest of my life without him.

    • Diana  February 6, 2019 at 8:32 pm Reply

      Hi Nancy, I just read your post……………………………it felt like I had written it, blended family, my husband passed 16 mo. ago, I often lately come to this site to just read others, as I don’t know how to handle the pain most days, my best friend for 33 years, He had 4 kids, I had 3 and we had one together, she is now 30. The love of my life, my everything, and like you, I am now 64, he didn’t see his 65th bday, I brought him home on Hospice, took him in one day and was told the next he maybe had 4 weeks, he lived 8 weeks, caring for his every need, stubborn he was, never doctored, and was working the same day I came home from work, he did not look good, neither of us imagined what we were about to be told. Now I am left with a big empty house, not sure how I can manage it, we lost a grandson, just 23 only 3 months after he passed, His oldest daughters first born, dealing with all the pain, watching the all 8 kids suffer, all of our “plans”……………..gone. I feel your pain. After all of the loss, I could not return to work……………………………I worked in a cancer clinic for 30 years, I loved what I did, loved the patients, it is hard to have a bad day when you see so many at the lowest point in their lives. Not sure how, when, where, I will end up or survive this grief, and it does not get better for me, 16 mo. seems like 60 years, but I still wait for him to get home. He was a builder, loved to fish, it is how we spent our time together. Everything of his is just as he left it……………………..I cant touch it, remove it, just want to feel him, his smell, his touch, his voice. I will keep you in my prayers and I am so sorry for “your” loss.

    • GaryB  March 2, 2019 at 3:17 pm Reply

      Hi Nancy:
      Same age as you at 64 and I lost my life on August 9th when my wife passed away after a 2 month battle with cancer. It was a shocking and sudden diagnosis that we received only 2 days before our 2nd daughters wedding. It was just horrible and actually my life died the same day as the dreadful diagnosis. We never saw it coming and had just embarked on our retirement after 40 years of work each. She was 62. Now I too in month 7 just want to go- why wont God take me? I have nothing left-yes children and grandchildren- but MY FUTURE all planned to be so wonderful with her gone. The trips- anniversaries (that clocked stopped this Valentines day at 37 years!), vacations and just sitting back in a beautiful home we had recently purchased for retirement. That home now a house. I too go to bed feeling empty but wake up even sadder. Thats when I know I got a full day just to get to night. If lucky and a good sleep I can get some escape with the help of Nyquil! All I do now is wait and hope- why cant I who has such a broken heart die of such as you hear about when their spouse goes? Talk about survivor grief? Its around every corner of the house- the streets I drive through-the stores I shop through as if she is somehow still with me. I have caught myself in the car at times almost making a comment as if she is there. I have moments of sheer fright of the silence where I have to yell down to an empty basement- where are you? Are you here? Do you know what you left me with? Do you realize how dead I am? I am slowly trying to get back to church but still sore at God for this cruel fate. The priest says “shes in a better place be happy for her” and all I say is I want her here! This was a good enough place! I find it hard to envision her joy she is in as I get told. Do we really know? But all I can do is hope there is an afterlife and not just darkness. Because I am already living in the darkness. A once happy go lucky-thriving-bring it on world guy has now been reduced to an again old man who shuffles to the mail box hoping nobody sees him. Who hears the phone ring and gets anxious-who-what now? The medical claims and bills still showing up as if trying to kick my ass even further! What now world? I had to spend the last few months with the indignity of erasing her name from the world- taking her off accounts and all-banking- life insurance that was for her-I felt like I was wiping what was left off the planet. Thats all on us to do. Wasnt it bad enough that while she was dying for 2 months -I also had to leave her side to plan her funeral? I hate my life- who I have become and who I will be. Its over!

    • Nancy  October 15, 2019 at 3:34 am Reply

      I posted in February of this year. 3 months after my love passed away. In a week my son will be gone 5 years and my husband will be gone 1 year on November 25, 2019. I type the date with disbelief because it seems like yesterday. I have been living day by day. Trying to find some reason, some purpose. I feel the physical and mental pain every day. I hope to see him walk in the door. I can see you have had similar experiences. How do we get so attached to one person? Miss him so very much.

  142. Once again  January 30, 2019 at 9:57 am Reply

    I feel bless to be the one to spread this wonderful gospel, i am very grateful to this man Dr MACK for helping me get back my husband’ after he abandoned me with two children and went away with another woman for 8 months with pains and tears in my heart I suffered to a point I almost committed suicide. Before the breakup, he stopped eating my food, he even brings the other woman food to my house store in the refrigerator and eat, he abuses even in front of the kids n visitors, he belittles me and see me as good for nothing and anything i do he get mad, i felt as if i was cursed. my friends advised me to let go but i couldn’t because of the love i have for him which was so strong and could even move ten mountains in a speed of light.So i had to seek for help and i saw so many good testimonies about this man Dr MACK and i decide to contact him and explain my problem to him and he assured me of solution. After 4days of my contact with Dr MACK my husband came back with apologies and love that he had never show me before. right now he doesn’t miss breakfast even ensures I give him launch pack, he worships me as his GOD now, bought me a new car and takes the family on vacation frequently, he sings the praises of my beauty on a daily basis.. .Today i am also sharing my testimonies and experience about Dr MACK which is so amazing and i will never stop testifying his good works because that is the much I can do for Dr MACK…so that whoever that is going through breakup and problem in their relationship should also contact him so he can also help and be a blessing to them .Once again Dr MACK i am extremely grateful to you and your GOD. Contact::: dr.mack201@mail. com

  143. Doug  January 29, 2019 at 3:23 pm Reply

    Why am I here, now? What has happened? My wife of 45 years had a sudden cardiac arrest late last winter. Was it expected? She had been struggling with COPD for the previous 15 years and slowing getting worse everyday (those horrible cigarettes ruined another family). But, the death was sudden and unexpected and I am a health care provider; someone who has saved numerous lives in emergency situations- my best efforts for her were fruitless-ems arrived and we were not able resuscitate her. Her demise had been expected some day but not then; we had just been out to dinner the evening before. You know, 45 years is a long time and not all of it was great, but we loved each other deeply and persevered and worked hard to make the best of it during hard times and lived the best of it when it was great times. And, we were fully faithful and dedicated to each other- particularly as I took on the role of care giver.

    Sure, I’ve been through all of the anticipatory grief (for years). The anger that welled for years because she basically “killed herself”-“Its my body, I’ll do what I want” – an intelligent women who knew better-surfaced immediately after her death concurrent with all of the real time grief that goes with the death of a loved one. What her death did to make the remainder of the family situation dysfunctional was and is profound; children and teen aged grand children all going through different and difficult stages and varying degrees and at times turning on each other.

    I had seen too many issues in my medical practice and sought professional guidance because I knew this was the correct thing FOR ME. It seemed to work well and I assumed that I had learned to deal with the grief, anger and guilt aside from missing her immensely (particularly looking back to the times when she was healthy). The sessions ended late last summer. I started dating (just wanted to finally do some things that I had missed in the past few years…wow what a revelation when you are not 20 any more) and tried to find people who weren’t too hung up on the widower thing. I did find a wonderful women who compliments me well and understands and can be a good sounding board; but I purposefully try to isolate her from the daily issues (yes I still think about my wife every day- often more than once). She is very compassionate, but I don’t think any “lay outsider” really gets it, so I internalize a lot.

    I’ve been through many “firsts”….first Memorial Day, our anniversary, 4th of July, grand children’s birthdays, children’s birthdays, Labor Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas and last week her birthday. I thought I held up well until the past few weeks.

    What has happened? All of a sudden all of the deep grief and misgivings I had in the early month or two following her demise have come rushing back in torrents- sans the anger (its finally gone). Not to the point of being frozen, but strong enough that I am concerned. Triggers and past memories? Too many to itemize

    Why am I here? Because reading others stories reinforces that we aren’t alone and we all grieve differently- that grief bonds all of us into an unwanted fraternity. There is some solace, at least for me, in this

    There are no “cook book” remedies and I guess for my sake and the stability of all of my relationships, its time for more professional guidance. I can identify with at least half of the list- that doesn’t make me worse or better than others; just different

    I wish all of you peace and the ability to maneuver through this swamp that we’ve been thrust into and for the loved one’s we’ve lost- our commitment to move on, survive and cherish our memories is very important

    • Barb  February 6, 2019 at 10:59 am Reply

      I’m so sorry for your many loss’. Thank you for being so eloquent in writing about such a bummer.

      God Bless

  144. Mike  January 29, 2019 at 2:21 am Reply

    Many of the 29 items you listed above really hit home with me, but not all. Thank goodness not ALL of them. I hope there are not people grieving out there who “identify” with all 29 things listed here. But there might be. I could definitely see that possibility. But I think the author is just trying to be all inclusive. Trying to mention all the ways the loss of a very close loved one, spouse, partner, significant other can prompt one to feel.
    It was helpful to me that some of the ways I’ve been feeling are articulated here. Finally words that describe exactly what I was feeling. Words I could not come up with myself.
    It’s funny how our minds work. We can feel something very deeply but yet not be able to say what it is we are feeling. We can’t describe it…not even to ourselves. We can sometimes feel very strongly something we can’t even understand or realize what it is. That is until someone speaks it or writes it. Then it becomes clear. THAT’S IT ! That’s what I’ve been thinking and feeling…almost without realizing it. It’s kind of strange. But it’s very liberating…at least to me…to have articulated for me what I could not articulate myself.
    With that in mind I think you missed one.
    #29. That would be a possible “existential crisis” from the loss of someone so close and so important. The moment at which an individual questions if their life has meaning or purpose…or even does any life have meaning. Does existence itself have any meaning? ANY existence? I think many people might (mind you MIGHT) have such a feeling after the death of someone significant enough in their life.
    Even if that is a brief moment, it’s a pretty big thing. In my humble opinion, you have to recognize it, so that you can confront it, come to terms with it and then (with apologies to all the followers of Kierkegaard and Nietzsche and Peter Zapffe out there) you need to get past it.
    I went through that as well as some of the others things listed about. Maybe that was because I had lost some others (my parents) not too long before losing my partner. And then I lost another best friend suddenly and all this with a 2 to 3 year period. That’s the breaks. Hard as it is, that’s just life sometimes.
    I’m not suggesting that an “existential crisis” after the lose of someone like a spouse or partner is a definite or even common thing to have happen. I don’t know either way. I’m certainly not suggesting any should. I’m just saying, it might help some to have that feeling put into words IF they are already feeling that way. I was and just didn’t realize it.
    For me, I got past it in two ways.
    1. Reading about the topic, and the ideas of the existentialists, the Nihilists, the Anti-natalists. LOL. I DO NOT recommend this! These are groups of rather smart, but ultimately very depressing bunch of dudes. This is just me…how I often deal with things. Searching for answers in the writings of the sages, scientists, intellectuals and ,philosophers of the ages.
    For ME this resulted in a revelation. At some point reading this stuff one afternoon on Wikipedia made me just start laughing. Something just hit me ….how all this stuff suddenly seemed so absurd…to ME anyway. My sense of humor saved me from this path of thought. That and the fact I was letting my smart phone app read this stuff to me and that software, for reasons unknown, began mispronouncing everything such that it became really funny sounding babble. That was too ironic NOT to laugh at, because even without the text to speech software this stuff was ALREADY a bunch of babble and essentially gibberish…IMHO. I saw that software fail as a sign from God. But that’s just me.
    2. Remembering something my Father (God rest his soul) said to another senior citizen just about his same age who was having a problem, worrying about death all the time. My Dad said to him (and I’m paraphrasing); “I don’t worry about dying. I’ve spent my whole life believing that I had ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD to live. It wasn’t true when I was young and it’s not true now, but why should I give up believing or pretending that now just because I’m old? Believing that there will always be a tomorrow has always worked for me in the past. No reason to give up on that now. It won’t help or change anything to give that up. Just make me miserable.”
    My Dad was a wise man.
    Anyway, I hope that helps anyone who might be feeling the same way.

  145. Janet  January 23, 2019 at 7:59 pm Reply

    Why don;’t you post ways to deal with these things? We all know these horrible issues, we don’t need them repeated. What we need is help on how to deal with them!

    • j boler  January 28, 2019 at 3:03 pm Reply

      There is no easy way to deal with the death of a love one,if there were,this post would not exist.People who post in here,all have one thing in common,the loss of their loved one.

  146. James Bamberg  January 23, 2019 at 5:08 pm Reply

    After reading all of these most touching posts, I certainly grieve with all of you. I was married to a very loving woman for 34 years. We had just celebrated your anniversary just 2 months before in February 2016 . I came home from work that day and she was lying on the couch. I walked over and gave her a kiss and she asked me how was my day. She asked me if I wanted her to fix me something to eat. I said no, you look comfortable, I just fix my a sandwich. We were talking to each other while I was in the kitchen, and suddenly began hearing strange gasping sounds from her. Went to her and immediately knew something was horribly wrong. Called 911 and tried to give her cpr till help arrived. They couldn’t revive her and was pronounced dead at the hospital. Doctors said she died of what’s called v-fib, or ventrical fiberation of the heart. Doctors call it instant death. Like turning off a light switch. After 34 years of marriage to her, she was gone in an instant. I know and feel so much of what everyone has said here. A friend of mine gave me this website that has given me tremendous comfort on what really happens to a love one when they die. Everything on this site is 100% truely bible based. Go to and see the article “What happens when a loved one dies”.

    • Heather  February 2, 2019 at 1:21 am Reply

      I’m Soooo sorry James. … it sucks beons anything I could ever imagine. Been going through hell on earth for 15 months. My husband had a vfib cardiac arrest, I cpr and they did revive him, they said I saved his life, for what, 21 days later he passed in NICU, he never spoke again after that horrible day at 4:07 pm on Friday the 13th.
      I question everything these days.

  147. Rebecca Martin  January 16, 2019 at 4:52 pm Reply

    I lost my husband of 28 yrs 1-25-2015. He was my soulmate, childhood sweetheart. We grew up together as neighbors. I still long for him to come back to me. He died in a house fire. I literaly lost everything and have had to make a new life. Nothing is the same. Greif classes have really not helped. I am always thinking of what I could have done. I don’t know how to let go. He has come to me in dreams and tells me to let go but I always tell him I just can’t.