When Death Brings Out the Worst: family fighting after a death

“Death brings out the best and the worst in families.”

This is a phrase you have probably heard or used time and again if you work in the world of end-of-life/grief and loss.  If you have been through a personal loss you’ve probably experienced it first hand.  Working with patients and families at the end of life you do see the good – reconciliation of relationships that were on the outs, friends and extended family supporting each other in unimaginably selfless ways, and sharing memories at the darkest hours.  Though I could write a really inspiring post about the incredible ways I have seen “the best” play out, it is far more likely you found your way here because you are a member of one of those families in which “the worst” has emerged.  You are probably wondering if this is normal and what you can do about it.

So today we’re talking about the worst.  When sweet little Aunt Suzie suddenly becomes a crazy person and your brother, who was your bestie, is suddenly fighting you about everything, it can feel like your world is crumbling. Suddenly you’re trying to cope with the death and your support system is no longer support, but a source of additional stress.  You are grieving the death, while feeling like you are losing your family as well.

First let me be clear about one thing—you are not alone.  Not even close!  So many people can relate to family fighting after a death.  What’s the number one source of conflict?  Anyone want to take a guess?  Belongings and money.  As hard as it is for many of us to admit, countless families who never imagine there would be conflict over material things are suddenly overwhelmed by disagreement and power struggles. Though this can take countless forms, some of the common material conflicts are:

  1. When to begin sorting through belongings.  Some people are ready right away, some people want more time before sorting through items.
  2. Who gets what.  Even with a will, there are often many household items or sentimental object that are not accounted for. Not to mention the many people who die without a will.  In these cases there can be much conflict around which relative will get which belongings.
  3. What to keep and what to give away.  Attachment to objects can vary greatly from person to person.  While one person may want to save every Tupperware container and tube of chapstick that mom ever owned, other family may be quick to toss those items in the trash.
  4. Whether to keep or sell a house.  Houses can have tremendous sentimental value, making them something many family members don’t want to part with.  Houses can also hold tremendous value, making them something many family members may want to sell right away.
  5. Money money money.  Whether it is scraping together money to pay for a funeral, or dividing up bank accounts and investments without a will for clear guidance, money can quickly become a sore spot.

There are many other sources of strain and conflict that can arise for families.  There is no way I could cover them all here, but some family fighting after a death textother common conflict that arise are:

  1. Treatment at the end of life.  Conflict can begin even before a death, when families disagree about goals of care, withdrawing support at the hospital, and caregiving responsibilities.
  2. Arrangements.  Questions like whether someone will be buried or cremated, where will the service be held, where will they be buried, etc. can bring surprising strife between family members.
  3. Relocating.  After a death it is not uncommon that people may move, either by choice or out of necessity.  This can split a family geographically and be devastating for those who feel left behind.
  4. Custody.  When a death results in children who must be cared for, conflict can arise around who will get custody of the children if this was not predetermined.
  5. Grieving differently.  We all grieve in different ways and on different timelines.  When people are grieving differently this can be a major source of conflict within families.  This is especially common if one family member thinks another is not as impacted by the death or they are ‘moving on’ too quickly.

I am sure some of you are screaming, “Yes! Exactly! Now what do I do to fix it?!?”.  I wish we had an easy answer for that, but if we did we would probably be busy making the rounds on Oprah and Dr. Phil.  There is no magic pill.  What we can do is provide a little insight into why these conflicts may arise and a few suggestions to cope.

The Brain
There are many reasons that death can bring out the worst in people.  But one important thing to know is that when we are under the stress and crisis of a death, our brains actually work differently.  For real.  I am not going to get us bogged down in the neuroscience.  All you really need to know is this: there are parts of our brain that think rationally and there are parts of our brain that think more on impulse and emotion.  When we are in a heightened state due to a death it is harder to think with that rational part of the brain. We default to using the emotional parts of our brains – parts of our brain that struggle with reasoning, memory, and long-term thinking. When we have multiple people all acting from a place of emotion, it is no surprise that conflict can arise.

One thing that is important to remember about death and grief is that it typically means a total loss of control.  We all want so desperately to be able to control and change what has happened, but with death control is lost.  As CS Lewis said, “No one ever told me grief felt so like fear”.  This change, loss of control, and loss of stability can be terrifying.  During this time certain family members will be seeking any way they can to regain a sense of control.  This may take shape in immediately trying to plan the funeral without getting anyone else’s input.  It may mean immediately sorting through belongings or trying to take charge of finances.  Understanding if desire for control is a factor in behavior can be important in how others in the family respond.  Helping another family member to have a sense of control, while communicating how their actions are making others feel, can be helpful.  If control seems to be a driving factor, other family members may be able to help guide this person’s energy into things that would be useful and that may cause less family strife.

Communication (or lack thereof) can be a key issue that leads to conflict.  If a plan isn’t made for who, when, and how certain things will be handled, it is not uncommon for one person to go rogue.  Communicating isn’t always easy, but it is crucial to reducing conflict.  If at all possible, make a plan right away for how and when things will be handled.  Agree on a time frame to all sit down together to go over the will, discuss next steps, and ensure everyone is on the same page.  Make a plan for regular updates and communication between family members.

If it is too late for that, focus on giving feedback to get back on track. Keep in mind that emotions are running high, so it is especially important to communicate effectively.  Try to avoid accusatory statements.  Instead, focus on expressing your own experience.  This is the old “use I statements” instead of “you statements”.  So, for example, instead of saying, “I can’t believe you threw away mom’s clothes without talking to me first.  You are so self-centered and thoughtless”.  Instead you could say, “I was really hurt when you threw away mom’s clothes without talking to me first.  It made me feel like you didn’t care about my grief or my attachment to those things.  There were some items in there I really wanted to keep that are now gone”.  By focusing on the behavior, how it made you feel, and the impact you can hopefully open a dialogue without making the other person defensive.  Also, be open to their feedback.  You probably haven’t been perfect either, so try to openly listen to what they need from you.

Generalizing the Negative
This brings me to a final consideration – extending behaviors of a griever to represent who they are as a person.  For example, you and cousin John have been close for 35 years and you think he is a great guy.  After the death of your grandmother, he does some shady manipulating to try to get her car.  You are outraged and appalled, so you think to yourself, “wow, I always thought John was a good person.  Now I see him for what he really is.  I can’t believe I never realized how greedy he is”.  All of the sudden everything else John does around the death is clouded by your new-found realization that John is a shady, greedy troll.

Timeout.  Let’s take a few steps back here.  Grief makes us all do crazy, sometimes crappy, things that we often regret.  It is important to cut people (and ourselves) some slack.  People do all sorts of awful stuff when they grieve, so view these things as poor choices due to an impossible time in life.  It doesn’t override the 10, 15, 35, or 50 years of wonderful things you know about the person.  Try to remember that this may be the exception in their behavior, not the rule.  Just like you need to be gentle and forgiving with yourself, you need to be gentle and forgiving with others.

If there is truly no managing the conflict on your own, keep in mind that there are professional mediators who can help.  They can work with your family to get through the basic logistics. They are trained professionals and you may just find some time with them can help you better understand each other.

I have no doubt many of you have experienced these tough family conflicts.  Please leave a comment to share your experience – the good, the bad, and they ugly.

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March 28, 2017

104 responses on "When Death Brings Out the Worst: family fighting after a death"

  1. My mother passed away unexpectedly the day after Christmas. I’m 42 years old, married and mother of three sons. My mom and I were extremely close, talked, texted or saw each other daily. She was my best friend. My sister is 6 years older than myself, she lives about 3 hours away from where we live. Got the news that Mom had passed about 9am on Tuesday morning, we were all shocked. I rushed to her house and cried over her body still lying there waiting to be picked up by the funeral home. Our step dad was home and he is the one who found mom deceased. I spoke with my sister that morning and i was a basket case, have been for the last week…my sister however was in no hurry to get to town. She left all of the responsibility of planning moms service on me and our step dad. I was the one who had to pick out her clothes and music and pictures and everything else, AND make sure step dad was eating, taking his meds, had something nice to wear to serve ce, got his hair cut, etc….I am so very mad at my sister for not being here to help us deal with this. Mom died Tuesday morning, my sister finally arrived in town late that Thursday evening. Services were Friday and she left to go home Saturday morning…..I don’t know that I can get past this, She knows that I am mad at her and doesn’t seem to have any regrets….

  2. My parents were 88, independent but in failing health. My sister is very successful strong personality, and had spoken for years about ‘looking after’ them, bought houses for ‘them to live in'(that were rented out!). They never wanted to give up their independence, and feared giving her control over them – as she’s such a dominant character. My mother was diagnosed with end stage pancreatic cancer is June, but suddenly my father deteriorated. They called me – I dropped everything and went to look after them. I had been shopping and trying to help them for quite a while. I knew what they liked, and I did things quietly and respected their wishes. My father went down hill quickly, then two weeks later fell at 2am and broke his hip. He was diabetic, had a heart condition and had been kept going on medication for years – he had been a highly respected doctor. My mother wouldn’t let me call an ambulance or give him medication… he was in agony. Eventually in the morning the dr and ambulance took him to hospital. He died two days later-30th June. My sister did all she could to turn my mother against me, she swore she’d look after my mother – but left her the day after my father died to go to Henley and drink champagne… I was dumbfounded. My mother started to deteriorate – I sent my son away so that I could be with her, my sister went to the Bahamas…. at the end of the summer I left my mother to be with my son for ten days, my sister bamboozled my mother out of her home, and put her in her basement. By the time I got back she had really deteriorated. We had agreed that my mum would then come to me, as I had a lovely room with open bathroom. The morning I was to collect my mother, I received a text telling me not to come – I wasn’t needed and she locked me out of her house….. I was distraught. Eventually I was let in, she started accusing me of all sorts of things- killing my father – stealing a very expensive pair of shoes she’d given him…?!? My mother wanted to come to me – and was so happy to be here, my sister then tried to be all loving…?!. My mother and I had a wonderful last week together…. it was hard to see her fade. I bought every type of food she’d ever liked, but she couldn’t eat, it was the illness progressing. Towards the end she was in pain, eventually she couldn’t swallow the pills. My sister had the morphine….. but she wouldn’t give it to me. My mother hated taking medication, for her to ask for morphine meant it was serious. By the Sunday she couldn’t stand, it was so hard for her. On the Monday I managed to get a place in a fantastic hospice, my sister threatened me if I took my mother there…. the hospice said they had a duty of care as my sister was interfering with her treatment. My mother was so happy to be there – it was so peaceful, she had no more pain and she was comfortable. Before the morphine took hold my mother grabbed my hand looked me in the eye and said a heartfelt Thank You, it had been such a privilege to be able to help her. Death, a good death, is a quiet peaceful loving process. My poor sister just didn’t get it, this was something she couldn’t control. There is a lot more to this story, but my lovely mum passed away two days later. Within three months I lost my beloved parents, and my brother and sister. I just tried to do my best for my parents, now I am completely alone and struggling, the people you should be able to turn to, to support each other – are the ones accusing me of unspeakable things…. I am beyond shocked. Bereavement is one thing, and I am desperately sad that my parents are gone, but I am pleased that they are not suffering, and that they had a good and loving life together(60 years!). But the loss of my brother and sister on top of it makes the pain unbearable.
    On top of that I am struggling financially. My sister is the executor, hasn’t spoken to me since my mothers funeral- except to tell me not to speak to the solicitor. She sent an email saying my father wanted to disinherit me! I had been given a house – she claims credit for that too. My mother told me that they wanted to split their legacy evenly. I understand why my brother and sister feel it’s unjust, but I had nothing to do with my parents choices….
    My 15 year old son observed that my sister is most upset that they ultimately chose me to care for them – again their choice not mine.
    I know one thing…. my parents would not want our family to have fallen apart the way it has….

  3. I was sole carer for my dad for 5 years until he passed away of cancer, the whole time my mum,brother and two sisters came nowhere near. He has now been gone 4 years and one of my sisters is boasting about seeing a medium and how my dad came through and only said nice things about her, but she won’t tell me if anything else was said I can’t help thinking she is only doing this purely to rid herself of guilt and to make herself feel better god I hate family members.

  4. hi i could really do with some advice here as i feel really helpless and lost.my wife recently lost her dad and one of her brothers has been a complete pain throughout not helping out being abusive to anyone that has tried to helpout but the thing that has annoyed me the most is that when he needed to step up and do something he does the complete oppposite and puts down everything that my wife tried to do, its so frustrating for me because i have phisically wanted to harm him because of his actions yet i know that it is the wrong thing to do.my wife would like a headstone put in place but she is fearful of what her brother’s reaction will be and its making her really upset which in turn is hurting me.we have tried talking to him but his vile outbursts have left us just weak and frustrated. i really would appreciate any advice anyone could give me on this as we are feeling quite desperate…. thanks

    • P, let me start with how sorry I am for the pain this situation is causing you, your wife and by extension, your family. The only behaviour you have control over is your own…. your BIL is perhaps grieving very deeply and as a result behaving poorly with his closest family members. I urge you and your wife to seek grief support to help you with this part of the grieving process… all relationships change after a loved on has died. Contact the funeral home they often can refer you to ressources.

  5. My father died in September of 2016 after a 4.5 year battle with cancer. During this time my brother did not do one thing to help me or our dad, if it interfered with his ability to drink he wouldn’t do it. His definition of help was to have a 5 minute phone call per day (he lived 2.5 hours away). When he did come down, supposedly to help me, he would go out for the day which meant more drinking and then come back and drink a handle of vodka within a day. My dads cancer got to the point where I told my brother to put on his big boy pants and get his 6 down to the area for good because time was becoming very short and if I didn’t have help I would end up dead myself. He finally moved back down yet was still no help, still the same amount of drinking that if he cooked dinner, the food was so bad my father couldn’t eat. His idiot gf (more on this in a minute) moved down and they got a place maybe 10 minutes down the road. He would literally come over for 5 minutes each day, chug like 1-2 beers, and by beers I mean 24 ounce 8.1% ABV beers, and then head home, I’m sure he also grabbed 2 beers for home because his gf didn’t see him drink the first 2. One day he was over, I hear the liquor cabinet open in the kitchen, I go out and there is my brother, drinking a bottle of booze that my dad loved. My response was are you f’ing kidding me to which he said “well dad can’t drink it so it doesn’t matter”. Well he left shortly after, I proceeded to take every single bottle to lock up in my room, 5 were empty and I never took a drink out of them, and the other were missing 75-85%, this is 15 bottle of scotch. My dad sees what I am doing and goes plan on getting drunk tonight I see to which I had to explain what I just witnessed. Lets just say my dad was pissed, he wanted him pulled over for a DUI, to remove him from the will, the house and the life insurance. I told my dad that he shouldn’t do that, I was trying to be the binding force in this situation and I didn’t want him doing something he would regret as he was dying. So the next day my brother comes over, he chugs his “beers”, and then proceeds to go steal more booze to find it was all gone. My brother acted like a 2 year old that was just told Santa doesn’t exist and stormed out of the house for the night. He came back a day or 2 later and my dad told him, you are an alcoholic, you steal booze that is not yours and then act like that, you need help. My brothers response was F you, you don’t know what you are talking about and again stormed off. A month went by, he no longer drank at the house, and from what I hear he was drinking in his car. When my dad was dying actively, I went to plan the funeral, I had the prearrangements done, but I knew we needed to finalize it. I asked my brother to come help me plan the funeral and I got a nope, I am not doing that, so besides taking care of my dad by myself I had to plan his funeral by myself. Even better was it was still just 5 minutes a day at the house before he went to his place. One night I was so pissed and I go are you f’ing kidding me, you have had more sleep in 1 night than I have seen in over a week, grab your grape nuts and act like the big brother, I need sleep and you can either stay here for the night so I can, or you won’t come back, I will change the locks myself. He “decided” it would be best to stay the night yet acted like a 2 year old the entire time, in fact I still had to get up to do what I normally would do because he refused to learn how to do it before. He died on a Friday morning, it sucked. When the wake and funeral happen, his idiot gf was pissed that my brothers ex-wife and one of his ex-gf’s came to the services. Her response was how dare they, I do not want them here. I looked her in the face and said you have zero say on anything that happens here and if you don’t close your mouth, we will make this a double header because I will put your head thru a brick wall. We started to go through the house and decide who gets what, one thing my brother wanted was out grandfathers and he asked to have it because he was the only one at the time to be able to go to his funeral. Sure, not a problem, you have a reason, I won’t argue. His gf was then demanding she gets the washer and dryer because they needed it, again I told her she has no right to demand anything. Now to flash forward to just this week, we all moved to NC, I was torn apart and broken down, but we shared a storage shed where everything from the house was stored. I went back north for 24 hours for an interview at a hospital and when I get home, my brother decided to enter my place and steal items that were important to me. I got told to f myself, I don’t get to decide what is his and he would decide what is mine. I go to pull items out of the storage shed and I am told I no longer have access to the unit, the unit where I had personal items and every other item from the house was. He, along with his stupid wife, felt that they could steal everything because they did nothing but they deserved it all. Ill take care of it my way, I still have to close the probate case out, so I still have some power, and I am going to make him finally realize what type of piece of crap he is. Watch out for your family, they will rob you in seconds flat for reasons that no one will ever be able to explain.

  6. My Mom passed away yesterday at age 94. She was in assisted living. I am grieving in my own way here in Florida. Mom was in Nevada. Right now I hate my siblings. They have decided to put the funeral ‘pageantry ‘ off until AFTER New Year’s. No one who is attending lives farther than me. This is mainly because of my oldest sister who has so many ‘important’ things going on that she can’t possibly cancel on people or events. My parents (dad is 12 yrs gone), were very strict Catholics. All arrangements were paid in advance years ago, so this is not a money thing. I feel like this is callous, and a direct insult to my Mom & Dad. Somebody tell me, can I skip the whole function? I am not on bad terms with anyone, just have strong feelings about my poor Mom. They would have cancelled just about any thing for one of us.

  7. I found this site today and read it and comments. It was helpful now i dont feel so alone. Both my parents are passed. My mom passed in june. My husband and I separted about a year before she passed but remained friends. I moved in to help take care of mom. I did everything possible for her and other family. But last Christmas she informed me that when she passed i had to get out of her house cause everything was left to my older sister. She also told me my kids wont allowed to stay over while i lived with her and to justify her leaving me out of her will she said my father didnt approve of my husband. I know that isnt true. Then when she passed I had to handle all final arrangements including her bank. I discovered a lot of bills that didnt have death insurance coverage and had a lot of stress trying to resolve these issues. My sister didnt have to deal with any of this. But she called over and over asking about mom’s money and didnt not believe all remaining money was used to pay bills left by mom. Therefore. Its come to the point that i dont have contact with either my sister or brother. They both acted like i didnt belong, though the week of the funeral and at church. If i sat on the same side of the church as them they moved. I cant believe how they acted and hurt me. Sine then my husband and I have gotten back together and things were great with us until recently. I feel so hurt not just by my sister and brother’s behavior but the hateful hurting things that my mom said to to. All of these things are haunting me and I am having trouble working on our marriage. Advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

    • I so hear you on the hurtful things said. It can haunt you if you allow it, too. I have leaned on my faith and cling to command “Honor thy father and mother” to get passed the hurtfulness of my parent(s). I know to expect much less from the estate based on what I was told. My parents had a will, and decision makers for both health and finances. I have resigned myself to the point that I do not know I our family will ever gather as one again for happy events but we do need to get through the estate now that both parents are gone. It has been less than a month since my last parent passed. I do not have a great relationship with some of my siblings but I work to understand where they maybe in the grieving process, but I will not stand silent if I feel pushed but at the same time will choose my words and battles carefully. What my parents had was theirs, to do as they wish. What I will not allow is for anyone put any burden on me that was not the intent of my parents, in the kindness way I know. It may not be what I want but at this point we can choose to do things in loving honest spirit to allow healthy grieving or the alternative and compound the grieving process.

  8. My uncle (who was like a father to me, since his brother – my dad- never did) recently passed away, and my in-laws never contacted me to express any condolences, not even a card. Now next week is Thanksgiving and I feel FORCED to go, but in reality DO NOT feel nor want to go. I don’t want to cause any issues with my spouse, yet It is an emotional stage for me, and I really don’t know what to do.

  9. I am going through this exact same thing right now. Sadly my dad suddenly passed away a month ago. My mom also passed away 7 years ago. I took care of both of them when my mom got brain cancer I was her full time caregiver. After my mom passed away my dad needed help because he was so lost when my mom passed. So I lived with my dad and took care of him. I was also in charge of their finances completely. My name was listed as joint owner of all their bank accounts. I did everything for both of them. They were my life. I would have done it all over again. I wasn’t even healed from my moms passing when my dad suddenly passed. I am so broken right now and devastated. Some days i don’t even want to live:-( After my dad passed i had to take care of all his personal things like bills, accounts,pension,etc. I was told by his pension depart that i had to report his death to the bank. So i did and right away the bank made me sole owner of all his accounts. My parents had a living trust made many years ago. The trust stated the house is to be divided by all of us 4 siblings total. We are all trustees but my half sister took the main role. Her and my other siblings are trying to force me to hand over all the money to put in a trust account under my sisters name. My dad specifically said many times he wanted me to keep the money when he passes because i took care of he and my mom and because my siblings were already established in life and didn’t need it. The living trust doesn’t state anything about having to hand over all the money in an account that is legally mine now. I was advised by the bank to seek legal counsel. I agreed and was going to pay for the lawyer. My siblings don’t want to and i know why. They are afraid they may here something they don’t want to hear. I still live in the house and am paying all the bills. I also work now. I feel like my sister just wants the control. I don’t trust her to hold all that money. She is my dads step child and she was estranged from him and us for years before he died. Now all of a sudden that money comes into play she is around? I am not handing over anything to them until i am told i have to by a lawyer or judge. She stalks me everyday practically trying to get me to give this money. She is stressing me out. I am grieving for my dad and all they care about is money. They think they can tell me what to do and bully me into doing this. If my dad wanted that money to go to a living trust he would have titled the account a living trust bank account. But he didn’t! So yes i am going through some bullshit right now.

    • I completely understand. My mom passed away about 6 and a half years ago. Now my dad is sick. I take care of him 90 % of the time. I am his POA, Executor of the Will and Trustee. I have 4 other siblings and some of them are playing head games with me. Some are actually saying I am going to be murdered. I have some making up huge lies. I have cried so many times that I think I am dehydrated. It so awful that I have stayed up all night because I can’t sleep. My daughter is starting school this morning and I am on zero sleep. I also teach my youngest one at home……Some of the lies are me having an sick relationship with my brother. Its gone that far…… Its like game of thrones. I wish I had a dragon…..

    • Stick to your guns. I would give them nothing. If she continues with the harassment get a restraining order on her

  10. My family never has been a support system so I don’t know what it’s like anyway, but I was annoyed when my mom wanted to act like everything was normal the first Christmas after my friend & daughter’s dad was brutally murdered in Tower 1 with 6 of his employees. We didn’t even have remains of the body in December of 2001 & she’s there wanting us to go around the table and mention the best Christmas we can recall, bc we had to keep everything positive at all times. That’s what she was like. Then she told me I should tell Mindy (my daughter) you have to “move on” after a death. She used to do the same to my grandma and was always upset that my grandma never got remarried after my grandpa died of a heart attack.
    I was so annoyed after what she said about “moving on” that I was afraid to talk so I said nothing at all. I just couldn’t understand how they were already in the “move on” phase. In December, 2001 I was still feeling a shock so massive that every day I woke up I still felt like I was barely in this world. I don’t know how to explain it but it was the most horrendous emotion (or LACK of feeling) I’ve ever experienced. That not-there-numb feeling that refused to diminish for so long. Even talking about it now makes me afraid it might return. I’ve never felt anything so terrible, it felt almost physical. I didn’t see how anyone could’ve been ready to move on by December of 2001, especially not someone who was family of a victim.

  11. My mom is gone she did not pass she was put down. My 89 father started a relationship with a 32 year old housekeeper. April my mom wrote me a letter stating she needed to come live with me in another state that my father was having an affair. That night she supposedly tried to kill herself by diving face first down a flight of stairs onto a cement floor. My father who can barely hear states he heard her hit from the floor above. Her note was taken as a suicide letter. The previous year she begged me to get her away from him. The months prior he had taken over her weekly call with me controlling it.
    The suicide attempt gave her a crack rib, internal bleeding in her leg, and a skull fracture. They put her in a locked down ward for 6 weeks. I spoke with her once she was heavily drugged. During this time my father anf my sister in law who my mom hated took over as my dad’s admin.
    My sister in law was stripping the house of my mom’s possession and selling on eBay.
    What she did not take the housekeeper sold off at garage sales.
    Mom was relocated to a nursing home apartment setup a mile from her original home. She had 2 falls there. Then one 3 weeks ago. That one fractured her skull causing a brain tear and shift. The apartment was setup to kill her
    No padding sharp hard furniture, no night lights she was required to have 24 hour care as she was a high fall risk and a suicide risk. Her caregivers were cut back at night when she was most active.

    I asked my dad why did you not bring her home. He told me he could have but she would have thrown a fit. And could have lived for 5 more years. He was advised to divorce her by his doctor. As she was a financial burden.

    We moved her to a local nursing home hospice to dry her out no IV pain meds it took a week she moaned groaned and cried. I meet the housekeeper in my dad’s garage my dad cut off our conversation saying do not be stealing my girl. I was shocked.

    Mom passed with me and my ex wife at her side telling her I am sorry. After the burial at my dad’s house the housekeeper sat on the floor between my dad’s legs as he ate his meal neither shed a tear for mom. My sister in law strips the house and my brother helps.
    I lost track of the arguments I had with my dad, brother, sister in law.
    The only option they face my mother was the dirt.


  13. Oh my gosh, One of my biggest recommendations would be DON’T BE AN EXECUTOR! The grief it puts you through is unbearable. My sister and I were my mothers of 7 kids. Everyone got ***** except me, being told I got way more. NOT. I tried very hard to have everyone included in dividing everything up. They haven’t spoken to me in years and I own lake property with two of them. Everyone in the families, except mine uses it. Only three are expected to pay the taxes because the other owners say that they are their guests. I went down there once this year. I own a PWC that I can’t use, and all of my life I always was the one whom owned the boat, paid the boat insurance, gas. Best part of it is, we all live within 1/4 mile of each other. I have tried to make things right with them but when a couple get together they do nothing but start everything up again. It really hurts and it is effecting my wife and kids, and I know the stress of it will kill me. I am consumed daily by the way they treat me.

  14. I’m glad for this website, to know that I’m not alone. My father died in 2009 and Mom died in 2016. I’m past grieving for them. The problem is that my brother, being an attorney, had “power of attorney” and seemed to keep acting as such long after all wishes of the deceased had been fulfilled. Both parents were cremated per their verbal wish, but there was no further instruction from them as to disposition. My brother inserted his own desire, i.e., that he would “scatter” their ashes. Mom had previously (numerous times) stated to me and my wife that she wanted to be buried and to have Dad’s ashes next to her at a cemetery. My brother seems to have known this but ignored it and wanted to scatter anyways. Then I emailed him, “Your power of attorney has ended. By what authority will you be scattering the ashes?” I said, “Since I am the elder son, please send me the ashes (urns) and I will take care of our parents’ burial, pay for it and everything.”

    At this, wouldn’t a normal person say “thank you, that’s so generous of you”, send the ashes and get on their life? But instead, my brother, who has a history of abusing me, called me a bunch of ad hominem names (i.e., accusations without substance or specifics), such as “I’m tired of your spiritual abuse. Your God is too small. Yes, I’ll send the ashes to satisfy your demands, but don’t email me any further.” And so he rejects me right when I exercise the most generous thing I’ve ever done for our parents or for our family. This is VERY hard to swallow. I’ve been told by several pastors that I’m doing the right thing by my parents, and that my brother doesn’t have the right to dictate disposition. I’ll be glad when this is over and my parents are safely ensconced at a cemetery.

  15. I lost my sister in 1996 then my Dad on 2006, I never had the chance to grave and now I lost my Mom, I was never very close to any of them But, l loved all of them. Now hear I am alone with no one to tell me what is going on. Not my other sister or my Brother. Im in the Dark alone not knowing anything ( it heart’s ). As I said I LOVED my Mother my Father my Sister and yet I’m still alone!!!!

  16. My Grandmother passed away in February. The family put together a yard sale/ bake sale/ benefit to raise the money for a headstone. We went and placed the order in March with 1,109.00 that was raised and donated. Well getting close to when they should be ready I find out my MIL, the daughter of whom I consider to be my grandmother had cancelled the order 1 month after the order was made, took the money and spent it. Looking for advice of what to do she keeps saying she will get it back to us….. But nothing this far.

  17. I can relate to all of your experiences. I just lost my father. The infighting, jealousy, rage, anger amongst siblings has been unreal. I’ve heard the ugliest things I’ve heard in my entire lifetime in the last few days. These things did not suddenly appear but must have been smoldering for decades. It’s heartbreaking. The reality is that you know you may never see each other again. There’s the hope for closeness but you know it’s imaginary. My pastor said death does one of two things – brings you closer or rips the family wide apart. I think these things start in early childhood. Parents play favorites and pit one child against another. The jealousy and hurt is always there. Death brings everything to the surface. It’s human nature for parents to have favorites but when they do a really crummy job of keeping it to themselves, it does harm. You can forgive but you want to walk away for good. And just like seeing your parent for the very last time, you know that you may not be seeing your siblings every again either. It really is…The End.

    • Hi julie im experiencing all that you talked about im the oldest daughter of. 6 children some of whuch i found out about. Close to my fathers funeral day. But it has open my eyes to the fact the sister that i was more closes to was the one who hurt me the most after i subble across a conversation her, my mother another sister and my very own daughter were discussing the care i gave my father before his. Death. And remind you none of the parties never really helped with my fathers care how dare they say theses cruel things that hurted me to my core thank God i am a faithful woman i will continue to hold my head high knowing i did my best at taking. Care of my father until he was called to his eternal rest. But it hurted me so deep that i have consider to not ever contact or be in their presence ever again in this life i know just how you felt God bless

    • Hi julie im experiencing all that you talked about im the oldest daughter of. 6 children some of which i found out about.until Close to my fathers funeral day. But it has open my eyes to the fact the sister that i was most closes to was the one who hurt me the most after i stubble across a conversation her, my mother another sister and my very own daughter were discussing the care i gave my father before his. Death. And remind you none of the parties never really helped with my fathers care how dare they say theses cruel things that hurted me to my core thank God i am a faithful woman i will continue to hold my head high knowing i did my best at taking. Care of my father until he was called to his eternal rest. But it hurted me so deep that i have consider to not ever contact or be in their presence ever again in this life i know just how you felt God bless

  18. My son died recently as a result of brain tumors. I was told by his wife that I was not allowed to visit him in hospital because I am not immediate family. The tumors spread and he was admitted to the local hospice where he died the day after he was admitted. If it hadn’t been for a dear friend who had connections to the hospice I would have read about my son’s death in the obituaries. All his wife’s
    family were at his bedside when he died. They have been spreading sick rumours about me over the years so I feel that I have been face to face with evil and hope the heartache will go away. I thank God for my good friends who have loved and supported me especially Margaret….my Guardian Angel.

  19. I’m very sorry to hear of everyone’s loss and grief. Our grandmother passed in May. She had been diagnosed with dementia and had to be put in an assisted living center and eventually into a nursing home. My aunt became power of attorney since she was the nearest realitive. My mother offered to help as much as she could. She lived almost 400 miles from her mother and had some health issues as well. However, she offered to do what she could. My mother and my aunt were always close. Never any problems between them. My mother also talked tto her mother every weekend and was able to visit her before her passing. When my grandmother did pass my aunt called my mother and was very hateful to her. Needless to say my mother was very hurt by this. My aunt stated that she did not want any of us except for our mother (after she was very rude to my mom) at my grandmother’s burial, but perhaps we could all get together at a later time. Who says that? I dont want you there, but lets get together another time? My aunt did not give my grandmother a proper funeral, did not put an obit in any of the papers, sold my grandmothers house a month before she died (she had poa) without telling anyone and then on top of that, my aunts daughter bought and closed on a house four days before my grandmother died. Where did she get the down payment from? When my mother asked two days ago about the house all my aunt said was, “oh it’s gone.” My aunt went into my grandmother’s house and shredded every thing. That was what she told my mom. My aunts behavior in all of this is just baffling. We feel it is decietful. We would not have treated our aunt this way so why do this to us. Deny your own mother a funeral and not allow any family attend the burial. All of us wanted to be there. My cousin was ready to drive 14 hours to come here. My mother and her siblings just want answers and an accountability of where all of my grandmother’s assessts went. Any advice would be appreciated. We thought about calling the attorney my grandmother used when she was alive. We don’t know if there was a will because my aunt handled all of it. To be honest the only thing we want are answers. We could give two cents about money or monetary things. None of expected anything after her passing. She was not a rich woman but we want an accountability of where her things went.

    • I am so so sorry your are going thru this. It’s really shocking. I would not hesitate to contact the attorney your grandmother used. This stinks to high heaven. Your aunt needs to carry out the wishes of your grandmother and whatever the will stated if there was one or it needs to go through the legal process of going thru probate. Your aunt needs to provide an accounting log of where the money has gone even if there is none. You should not feel one ounce of guilt, especially if your grandmother had a will. I’m so sorry you are going through this. It hurts so much.

    • I would say contact the lawyer, if you are told no will, I would seek legal advise with another firm to what your options are.

  20. This past Feb my wife’s mother died of a mental disease. Three days later she fell in the arms of another man.It was an excoworker of hers that August of the previous year after being fired from the job, Later finding out it was for sexual harassment.I became friends with him his a little more then 11 years younger then us, had girlfriend, so we felt safe. It was a hard year, her mom got worse i was up all night with her mom looking out for her. I was trying to protect her for the pain she felt seeing her mom dying of this disease. The friend knew of our struggles and would encourage my wife, this was the first male friend she ever had without knowing me first. Anyhow when her mom ended up in the hospital in early feb, a lot of people were there to support us. Or friend came by and bought food for us and the kids he seemed to be genuine in helping us out and being there for us. When my mother in law passed she began to run around taking care of all the insurance details and everything else you havbusinessl with a death, she was an only child and had to deal with all of this herself. We had family from out of statenso I was distracted while she was taking care of her business.the relationship between then was at first strictly threw messaging one another which I was able to see when ever i wanted which they knew.they started calling eachother threw her work phone and he would meet her at the store. So he pressured her to visit him at his house using a guilt trip saying she never came to visit him and she had no fight in her and just gave in. That first visit she was grieving her mom and he was consoling her but ended up taking advantage of her in her weakness. That day they made out.6 days later he was telling her he loved hef, she told him that this count happen she was a married women. 6 days later she’s back at his house again she has mixed emotions, she doesent want to do anything but he s manipulating her. He then Carr’s her upstairs to his bedroom and begins to kiss her and again she surcomb to his tactics she runs out of his room tells him this can’t happen. He then pulls down his pants and says to her your going to leave me like this? She says really and leaves. While all this is going on in taking care of the kids and family that are over, were preparing for the funeral of her mom. Were talking encouraging one another, in giving her space while she’s grieving her mom,I had no idea what was going on , she never shared how he was meeting her at the stores or told me about him sitting in the car with her. In the past she would share things with me.6 days later she’s in his house and now there having unprotected sex. After the whole, “we can’t do this what about my marriage” she discusses some other issue with him that he experienced growing up relating to an affair he witnessed and he wets mad at her for bringing it up and still ends up taking my wife to his bed. 2 days later the viewing of my mother in law, and threw this were all talking he even reached out to me asking what he should ware, I had to convince him to come to the viewing.the next day we have the burial. They thought it was a mistake it will never happen again, and move on.he would hang out with me after that bring his girlfriend over the house for dinner. We ended up going away on a family trip to kind of remember her mom and start over. But she said she tried to tell me what happened but couldn’t. So finally after a month i believe fear of having an s.t.d and no lounger being able to lie she told me. I decided to stay and better our marriage. Because of her moms death I believe she was week and taken advantage of when she needed a friend she cried on the wrong shoulders. Of course I held a lot back in what happen but that is what were going threw. We do have a strong faith and pray it will carry us thrgrief im wondering if this common while going threw grief?

  21. This past Feb my wife’s mother died of a mental disease. Three days later she fell in the arms of another man.It was an excoworker of hers that August of the previous year after being fired from the job, Later finding out it was for sexual harassment.I became friends with him his a little more then 11 years younger then us, head a girlfriend, so we felt safe. It was a hard year, her mom got worse i was up all night with her mom looking out for her. I was trying to protect her for the pain she felt seeing her mom dying of this disease. The friend knew of our struggles and would encourage my wife, this was the first male friend she ever had without knowing me first. Anyhow when her mom ended up in the hospital in early feb, a lot of people were there to support us. Or friend came by and bought food for us and the kids he seemed to be genuine in helping us out and being there for us. When my mother in law passed she began to run around taking care of all the insurance details and everything else you havbusinessl with a death, she was an only child and had to deal with all of this herself. We had family from out of statenso I was distracted while she was taking care of her business.the relationship between then was at first strictly threw messaging one another which I was able to see when ever i wanted which they knew.they started calling eachother threw her work phone and he would meet her at the store. So he pressured her to visit him at his house using a guilt trip saying she never came to visit him and she had no fight in her and just gave in. That first visit she was grieving her mom and he was consoling her but ended up taking advantage of her in her weakness. That day they made out.6 days later he was telling her he loved hef, she told him that this count happen she was a married women. 6 days later she’s back at his house again she has mixed emotions, she doesent want to do anything but he s manipulating her. He then Carr’s her upstairs to his bedroom and begins to kiss her and again she surcomb to his tactics she runs out of his room tells him this can’t happen. He then pulls down his pants and says to her your going to leave me like this? She says really and leaves. While all this is going on in taking care of the kids and family that are over, were preparing for the funeral of her mom. Were talking encouraging one another, in giving her space while she’s grieving her mom,I had no idea what was going on , she never shared how he was meeting her at the stores or told me about him sitting in the car with her. In the past she would share things with me.6 days later she’s in his house and now there having unprotected sex. After the whole, “we can’t do this what about my marriage” she discusses some other issue with him that he experienced growing up relating to an affair he witnessed and he wets mad at her for bringing it up and still ends up taking my wife to his bed. 2 days later the viewing of my mother in law, and threw this were all talking he even reached out to me asking what he should ware, I had to convince him to come to the viewing.the next day we have the burial. They thought it was a mistake it will never happen again, and move on.he would hang out with me after that bring his girlfriend over the house for dinner. We ended up going away on a family trip to kind of remember her mom and start over. But she said she tried to tell me what happened but couldn’t. So finally after a month i believe fear of having an s.t.d and no lounger being able to lie she told me. I decided to stay and better our marriage. Because of her moms death I believe she was week and taken advantage of when she needed a friend she cried on the wrong shoulders. Of course I held a lot back in what happen but that is what were going threw. We do have a strong faith and pray it will carry us thrgrief im wondering if this common while going threw grief?

  22. I am entirely ISOLATED. I Have no friends, no family.

    My dear sweet late beloved father died in November 2015. A few weeks later my dear sweet beloved younger sister who was also my best friend died almost suddenly in January 2016 that hit me like a high speed midnight express train; a few weeks later my dear sweet beloved mother died in April 2016. This colossal tragedy I suffered was too much for me to bear, I was DEVASTATED, my whole WORLD DESTROYED. All 3 family members died from cancer. My sister had a rare terminal cancer. To make matters much worse for me, the Doctor blamed ME for my sister’s death. I was arrested by the police in January 2016, detained all day for NOTHING, they were determined to find an excuse to charge an innocent person, because the doctor did not like me. My sister’s autopsy was not performed until February 2016. All the police said to me was that they were sorry (not good enough). A year on from my family’s deaths, I am still SUFFERING in the wake of my OWN PERSONAL TRAGEDY. At my sister’s funeral. My mother’s 3 surviving sisters were bickering at the cemetery. They made some nasty snide remarks about me and one of the sister’s broke out into a WIDE GRIN after tossing dirt onto my sister’s coffin. I have never been so humiliated in all my life, it was DEGRADING. I am ashamed to call them Aunts. I was THREATENED indirectly by the 3 sister’s through a male cousin whom enquired at the funeral parlour when my mother’s funeral would take place, they went BEHIND MY BACK. I prevented them from attending because I could not face and tolerate the degradation, and the laughter for a third time. When my sister died, I was frantic. I called my mother’s youngest sister pleading with her to help me and this is what she had to say, “I have to go now, someone is knocking on the door.” Not one of the extended family have helped me, thery DON’T CARE whether I live or die. They are an appalling dysfunctional family. It is humiliating. I have had no support from anyone. I am living in my house, just waiting to DIE.

    • I feel for you. I lost everyone over a short period of time as well. The most recent was my mother who died a month after a home invasion where a life was lost in my home. The stress from that killed my mom according to my sad family.

    • Miranda. My family is a nightmare after the loss of our mother. My situation is so bad; I am a police officer and my manipulative sister, after we had massive verbal arguments resulting in us each administering a minor shove, has gone on a mission to destroy my career, my life, everything. She has gone state to state, county to county and PD to PD to file unimaginable protection orders and police reports. The hatred is stunning. I am particularly angry because she took my mother and snuck her off to the Dolly Parton concert, on purpose, when it was my son’s idea and I started the initial planning. Then, one day I called my mom to ask her if she had received the pamphlets I typed up regarding “knowing the signs of a stroke”. When she answered my call, they were just getting in the car to return home from the concert, and my mom asked if I wanted to speak to my cousin where they stayed. I said what???? You are out of town??? The deflection in her voice got stranged and I felt like someone has just come and punched me in my soul. When my mom and sister returned I let my mother know how angry I was with her. Nobody cares. Then, one day I get a call from my other sister (one is a cunningly manipulative sociopath who has been adjudicated mentally ill and the other is a goofball) that my mom had been in the hospital for two days. Those two idiots didn’t even have the decency to call me to let me know. They failed to call me immediately and I am eternally pissed off at both of those liars because as a police officer I would have kown for them not to take my mother to the sub par hospital to which they took her. It has been one horrific situation after the other. Interestingly enough, the single most violent person in our knowledge of one another (notice I didn’t call us a family) is our brother who swung at me at a family meeting and in the process of attempting to tiger swipe me from across the table, actually lifted the table on one end completely off the floor. To this day the goofball sister enables his violence and called what he did a “reach”. I might add, he has put her in the hospital when we were younger after once breaking her collar bone and a second attack upon her with a broom putting lacerations above her eye. Whilst all this was going on (mom in the hospital) he was considered so dangerous that my sister went to the security of the hospital and put a “Code Violet” on him. Yet she has made me look like him. She has placed horrific things on public record about me that
      are not true. I now consider myself as not even having a family whatsoever. On top of it, her eulogy was partially written from very beautiful words that I wrote about my mother so that her home town priest could speak fondly of her at the service. Then, I wrote and gave the prayer and blessing at her daughter’s wedding and worked hard to help my niece days before her wedding, which was on my
      Mother’s birthday. All the while, before the death, after the death, before the funeral, after the funeral, before the wedding and after the wedding, she was making police reports everywhere. She hates me because I stand up to her back door and calcutaled manipulation.

      This disgusting chain of events has debased the passing of a beautiful mother. My siblings are people that are my past. I use the bereavement team from the hospice agency and I have been told I have severe survivor’s guilt for the anger that I boldly let my mother know, when, in all actuality, it was the bottom feeder sister who orchestrated everything that left me in the garbage can.

      I know how you feel.

      After I read your entry I knew I had to respond. I’m sorry you are going through this hell. I lost my mother, my nearly 14 year old sweet lab chow and 8 other deaths in 6 weeks.

      I am all alone. No dog, no family and my Best friend now supporting her father in his in-home hospice care.

      I can’t even believe any of this. My soul and heart are broken. I do not deserve the warpath my sister has taken against me, when truth be told, she, in both our childhood and adult life has kicked, pushed and struck me yet I never filed one incident report on her.

      All three of my beloved animals have passed, both my parents are gone, and my family is now over.

      We are going to have to figure a way to heal, grieve, and let others do what they will.

      Your story resonated with me. And I wish you well. Our loved ones do not want is to waste one more once of energy on these horrific aftermaths.

      Anyways. I don’t know you, but really, who cares what those who you spoke of think of you.

      Take care. Speak to your loved ones, for they have reached eternity and we are still in the holding tank of sorrow and sadness. 🌿

  23. My sister was divorced from her first marriage. She remarried years later and her second husband was killed at his job. Now my sister passed away in Feb. From breast cancer. Three weeks later her only child died from a heart attack. Now his father who hasn’t been in his life since he was three or four is stepping in saying that he is the next of kin and will be handling Bill’s affairs. Nothing has been changed over to Bill yet because his death was so sudden. Who is considered the next of kin to handle my sister and nephews affairs?

  24. I’m so thankful that I have the chance to share what I’m going thru at the moment. I have 5 sisters and 5 brothers. My dad died when he was 65 and my 3rd brother died in a car accident when he was 20 years old. Now we have left with our mum and 5 sisters and 3 brothers.
    I’m going thru a lot of emotional and heart breaking times as on the 28th of Dec 2016 my niece died of tumor. 2 months after my dearest second brother who works for the government for 32years died of stage 4 cancer. I loved my brother so much as we are so close. We helped our family in everything we can do to improve the standard of our family. Sadly he died in the 15th Feb 2017. Till now I can’t let go everyday every morning I cried and I really need help . I just finished counselling and it’s not even helping. When my brother died he left us with a lot of benefits money so everything is under mum and his 3 children. Sadly my sister’s and brothers are spreading rumors that I came home with $23000 for which it is not true. No one of them talks to me and they don’t want to visit my mum. They thought mum gave me that money but no. At the moment I’m grieving for my brother and also the pain that my sister’s and brothers out thru. Very hard and I’m confused and don’t know what to do. Mum rang me yesterday and told me that she is seeing cars turning in next to our house but when she goes to check nothing is there. Please need help

    • Lesina, I wish there was an easy answer. I am so sorry for all the loss you and your family have been through. Regarding your mom, it sounds like there could be a mental or physical illness issue going on and I would prioritize taking her into her doctor to be seen. Regarding your siblings, it can be very difficult to address family rumors. One possibility is seeking a family mediator, someone trained in mediation, to sit down with everyone together and discuss the rumors or any other issues that might be underlying what is going on. Though it may be hard to convince everyone to come together, sometimes having a neutral party involved who is trained in conflict can help. As for your own counseling, if you did not find it to be helpful it may be that you need more time or that the counselor/counseling style was not the best fit. Not all counseling is created equally. If you are not seeing things slowly improving, you may want to call your counselor and go back in, or consider seeing another counselor if you feel your counselor may not have been the best fit. Sending good thoughts to you and your family at this difficult time.

  25. I lost my partner 4 days ago. He died in my arms. Within minutes of the death his half sister was demanding all assets to be split.
    We had been together 15 years and each had mutual wills naming the other as beneficiary.
    So I said the there was a will naming me and I would see to the arrangements etc.
    She then told me I was nothing to her brother as I was not a blood relative.
    The next day she stormed into his employer saying she was next of kin and demanding his outstanding wages. (They refused as I am on his employment contract as next of kin)
    Since then she has demanded a copy of the will so I gave it to her yesterday only to have her scream at me that this isn’t what her brother wanted etc. And there must be another will (there isnt)
    She has always been trouble and hadn’t spoken to him in over 3 months.
    All I want is to lay him to rest and terrified she will cause trouble at the funeral.
    She is ringing demanding what she wants at the funeral and where his ashes are to go.
    It’s so hard dealing with her at this time when all I want is to hide in a hole. He’s hardly cold and I’m arranging the funeral. Registering his death and trying to cope.
    How do you deal with people like her???

  26. My mother passed away October 2016. She was placed on Hospice for Cirrhosis of the Liver. My mom came to stay with me in her last days. She also left me to be the beneficiary of a 10,000.00 policy. My mom and I were best friends. We spoke on the phone at least twice a day before she came to live with me. I lived only 10 minutes away. I was the child my Mom could depend on the other siblings were involved in there own lives and didn’t help my mother at all. I explained to them that she didn’t have long to live. I’ve been a nurse for 19 years so I seen the disease process before she was diagnosed as End Stage. My siblings were I. Denial. Now that she has passed They are accusing me of overdosing her on Morphine to get the insurance policy. My mother stopped eating. Was unable to take care of herself and they never came by to ask if I needed help. I can count on my two fingers how many times they called and came by to visit her. Now they are spreading vicious rumors about me. Now they are saying they want an investigation done into the death of my mother. I’m absolutely shocked that people could act this way. Not only did I loose my mother but I lost my siblings. It’s a very hard situation to handle. It hurts badly.

    • Gosh, Camille, our stories are similar in several ways…
      — I’m an RN with 22 yrs experience.
      — was main caregiver livein caregiver of Mum, died in May 2016 {way more to say…]

      as one of EIGHT sibs. I am the only one who is at all sentimental … everyone else is rather detached re: parent’s passing / sell of Dad’s beautiful custom built home to STRANGERS — involved with their own lives/ grandkids … and yes, my once favorite brother , the executor of their estate, is now chosen to be totally cut off from me– [ I was given a mere 4 days to remove all my possessions , when house was not sold until following January… and Mum said she’d allow at least a month for me to move out…}
      except for my loving oldest sister Pat, I’d be estranged from family —
      it hurts more than I’d have ever imagined… wishing you love, Camille !

  27. “While you sleep, they are over there protecting your freedom” was Jeff’s last post on facebook. I lost my Veteran son early this week and I want his ashes buried in a military cemetery. His sisters are fighting me wanting him put in the ocean which I do not want. I know Jeff would want to be with his military brothers in a military cemetery. He was so Proud of his service to our country and his facebook posts show that. They told me if I didn’t put him in the ocean they want nothing to do with me and that once I died they would have his ashes exhumed and put in the ocean. They have said some very hateful things to me and it’s so hard dealing with this loss and all this hate. I won’t break up his ashes …he came from me whole and I will bury ALL his ashes. When a death happens suddenly you would think the family would pull together but that is not happening. My 2 daughters haven’t talked to me for years until this death….now again they are saying they will want nothing to do with me if I don’t put him in the ocean. Is there an answer to this situation?

    • My dearest friend of many years lost her husband who was a captain in the Air Force. He was buried at Arlington. It was an extraordinary service. I think it’s important to do what the deceased wanted or would have wanted. He is your son – you get the call!

  28. so my story from 4 months my father and my stepmother and my sister she was 20 years and my another sister she was 5 years all of them died in accident car the only one save in this accident is my brother he just 3 years old i`m 22 years i don`t know what i do i thinking about suicide but i cant leave my brother alone i really i don`t know what can i do

    • Maria, if you are considering hurting yourself please seek help right away! You can walk into any emergency room or call 911 (if you are in the US). You can also call the suicide hotline in the US at 18002738255 or in the UK at 44 (0) 8457 90 90 90. If you are elsewhere just google suicide hotline and your country name. Your 3 year old brother does need need you. Please believe that although things seem hopeless right now, that with time and support and through finding ways to cope things will get better.
      Many on this site have been exactly where you are, feeling there is no hope. Somehow though,people manage to move forward – one step at a time and one day at a time. Our site is always here for grief support, but the most important thing right now is that you talk to someone about what you are experiencing.

  29. Seems as though I’ve read hundreds of posts looking for a similar situation as mine but just have not found it as of yet, close but nothing seems to parallel my frustrating grief. I lost my wife of 33 years a little over a year and a half ago, and still miss her tremendously. Many friends said it takes about a year and you’ll start feeling better, well maybe for some but it’s not working here. I really have zero interest in socializing as I don’t feel a need to fill the void of what I once had, I feel that void will always remain empty.
    When my wife passed a memorial was set a week later, for just close friends and family (didn’t know she had so many friends). A little background, when my wife was first diagnosed with this cancer it was already stage 4 and her prognoses was 1-year maybe less with treatment, she went 18-months. Needless to say this was the saddest emotional roller coaster of our 33 year marriage (and I know I’m not alone here). We of course got lots of support from close friends and family, with the exception of my eldest brother and sister-in-law who lives 150 miles away (2-1/2 hr. drive). After battling this disease for a year we never received a letter, phone call, or a visit from my eldest brother and sister-in-law so we decided to go visit them. They were very apologetic stating how bad they were and even shed a tear or two as we were leaving, and we never heard from them after that day. My niece and nephew and their respective families were at the memorial but not their mother and father. I received a card in the mail from them about a week and a half later with a little note of pleasantries as to what a wonderful sister-in-law my wife was to them and how she’ll be missed. They said also in the note that they did not know she had passed until they discovered it on the internet, and they live 5-6 miles away from their son and daughter whom attended the memorial.
    They have not reached out to this day which is mind boggling to me, not so much the dis-concern they showed while my wife was still here, but the fact that he’s my own blood and shows no concern what so ever as to how I’m doing. I could never do this should the rolls be reversed, just unconceivable to me I can’t, get my arms around it. Sometimes I just want to get in the car drive up to their place and point blank ask them “How can you two be so self-serving, selfish, and uncaring, to a member of your own family”? Then again……..I don’t want to force them to come up with another nauseatingly poor excuse. Bear in mind, I’m not disjointed about the fact they did not attend the Memorial, it’s we never heard anything from them for 18 months since my wife’s diagnoses/prognoses, nor 18 months since she has passed (Sorry, I feel as thou I’m seething as I’m writing this), it’s just beyond my comprehension. I could go on and on with this issue but I think I’ve explained myself sufficiently without boring people to death with other events that basically portray the same behavior.
    I’m looking for answer’s here. Sometimes I feel the need to forgive them, other times I feel it’s just unforgivable. The last point here is that my eldest brother and sister-in-law are now 80-years old, and I’m 64 so anything can happen from one day to the next. Somehow I feel compelled to not go to our graves never speaking to one another again. Do I need to be the big brother here?

    • Sadly I would just like to tell you that some people will never “get it” Be glad that you had a loving wife and that you have compassion for others; sometimes people don’t change and the ones that act disgusting when someone dies were probably disgusting people to begin with. I hope you get to feeling better and that sad memories of your wife are replaced with the joyful memories of your life together.

    • Hi Boone,

      I’m sorry for your loss. Regarding your brother in his 80s, maybe his mind isn’t working well, or he or his wife are dealing with a health issue. Either way, how about speaking your truth to them; how you were hurt by their lack of presence and care. And then, let go as best you can knowing you did your best.

      I find this site comforting to know many other people experienced distant or unsupportive or mean family members and so-called friends after the death of a loved one. We’re not alone. You’re not alone.

      Let’s think of wonderful memories being with our loved one.

      Be well.

  30. My mother passed away in April 2016, I took care of my Mom for 8 years, She had an Alziemer. We are 4 sisters. My two sisters are married, the youngest one is ignoring me everytime i come visit home. I happy i did everything for my Mom, before she died , i renvated her house, and i have spend so much money and i even hired someone to take care of her because i was working. Today all my Sisters does not like me, when i come visiting home they ignore me. The youngest is worse because she think now she owns the house. I don’t know why. I have my own house but i can tell you both 3 of my sisters don’t feel comfortable with me around. The 3’rd one, she was since took the mother saying she was going to appoint a lawyer for my mothers Estates. But i know nothing, she never came back to brief us of how much she has used and how far is the progress. Remember she took the money after my mother’s funeral last year April. They really hate me and i feel i must just leave them and mind my own business. I am the eldest in the family. But they treat me shabbily.

    • I feel so sad for you. I have had a long time to process what happened in my family after my mother died six years ago. I was the one who looked after her, though I live some way away, when she was ill at home and later in hospital. My brothers lived nearer, but did not do anything to care for her. After she died, they turned on me – I now really believe it is because they feel guilty that I did all the care and they did nothing, and so they take it out on me. There is no sympathy or understanding for the fact that I am grieving for my mother as they are, just blame and vindictiveness. I have not even been told what it is they object to. The things they have done since defies belief, so mean and cruel. I cannot believe my own family members can act like this, but it is all based on envy and guilt.

    • I feel so sad for you. I have had a long time to process what happened in my family after my mother died six years ago. I was the one who looked after her, though I live some way away, when she was ill at home and later in hospital. My brothers lived nearer, but did not do anything to care for her. After she died, they turned on me – I now really believe it is because they feel guilty that I did all the care and they did nothing, and so they take it out on me. There is no sympathy or understanding for the fact that I am grieving for my mother as they are, just blame and vindictiveness. I have not even been told what it is they object to. The things they have done since defies belief, so mean and cruel. I cannot believe my own family members can act like this, but it is all based on envy and guilt. I hope you can eventually move to a place of understanding where they are coming from (probably childhood issues causing resentment as in my case), and then gradually forgive them, even if it means you have no futher contact – if that is the right thing for you. You need to eventually forgive for your own sake more than theirs, but it is incredibly hard work and takes a long time. I am still not totally there yet.
      Good luck to you in coping .

  31. As a family, we have had an awful year – six months of hell with our daughter whose relationship broke up after 7 years and kept trying to take her own life , hanging, overdoses , one so severe that we nearly lost her . We had just got back into some kind of semblance of a life when my unmarried brother, a priest , died very suddenly 8 weeks ago .
    As a professional tax accountant , I began the process of sorting out the estate but my younger brother raised immediate objections to me doing this accusing me of not being able to cope – I was coping fine, doing the same job a solicitor would have charged us thousands for to get to Admin stage ( my brother left no Will) – in fact , it was therapeutic to be of some use .
    My deceased brother and I shared our faith – my younger brother and his family have none ; they did nothing towards the funeral , contributed nothing financially or practically and my younger brother was ( allegedly ) according to his wife , a mess . Spending his time drowning his sorrows in the pub , taking useless “advice” about estate processes from just about anyone who would talk to him .
    By contrast, I coped OK to begin with, my brother was where he had aspired to be all his life – with Jesus , with God – I could not grieve his death in the same way although I miss him unimaginably – he was ever my rock , my moral compass , the voice of reason and fairness .
    As I began to process his estate , things were said by my sister in law that didnt ring quite true – things like my late brother had promised to help both myself and my younger brother financially , but he would help my younger brother “more” . It hurt , but to begin with, I took it in good grace .
    As I have looked deeper and deeper into my late brothers affairs , I have found irregularities I never expected to find – assets missing, things missing that I had given him for birthdays and Christmas and my sister in law would never give me a set of keys to the house my brother had just bought to retire into – I would ferry goods and chattels to the house undertaking a 110 mile round trip twice a week only to have to wait of my sister in law to get home from work , to gain access to the house .
    When my surviving brother realised that the assets in the estate were far more than we ever anticipated , he became very secretive and acquisitive , as did my sister in law.

    We each have three children , the nieces and nephews that my late brother adored and talking to other church members , it became clear that despite my brother leaving no Will, he had expressed verbally that he wished to leave his death in service benefit which was held in a discretionary trust , to be split between his 6 nieces and nephews plus a donation to the church – the DIS payment is sizeable .
    All the trustees required was confirmation that my surfing brother and I would be willing to divide the DIS benefit in half – I readily agreed but my younger sibling and wife didn’t – they said that my deceased brothers expression of wishes should be adhered to.
    My late brother was so unwell in the last year of his life, not only was his judgement flawed , he could take services and not remember doing them afterwards , lost things an accused me of moving them or taking them away ( he lost his birth certificate – when I cleared out the rectory , I found it exactly where I had told him it would be ) – he often took his medications twice , self medicating on very strong drugs , he didn’t even recognise one of my sons .He was clearly not of sound mind most of the time .
    Since my surviving brother has declined to split the DIS payment , he and his wife have cut off all contact with me ; they even rang the solicitor acting for us all, to change the dates of the Probate appointment without telling me – but I caught them out by ringing the same firm to re-arrange my own appointment with them – and in doing so , I will see the acting solicitor before them.
    Alarm bells are ringing in my head ; I now believe that there was at best, coercion taking place so that my brother and sister in law would get the DIS benefit without telling me , and at worst , outright fraud . The worst thing is that they are not only defrauding me and my kids , but also their own who have already been told not to expect much from their late Uncles estate .
    I know my lovely deceased brother well; I know he would have wanted that DIS payment split seven ways , between his 6 nieces and nephews and the remaining 7th to the church – the rest of his estate , as he died intestate , will inevitably come to myself and my surviving brother .
    I hate myself for being so suspicious and untrusting because it goes against my Christian principles and those of my late brother – but its making me ill . I already have a life limiting condition and my stress levels are unprecedented now .
    I want to believe that my sibling and his wife are completely “above board ” – but , I’ve worked in forensic accounting for 36 years – if it looks like an elephant, walks like and elephant and smells like one too, its not going to be a mouse .
    I’ve never felt so mentally and spiritually , physically and psychologically low – I cannot grieve my beloved brothers death properly because of the actions of my sibling and his wife . I have no choice but to put this situation before a court – I have lost my precious big brother and will now lose the other one . I search my soul daily to find answers , but it comes down to one thing only – for years and years , my younger brother and his wife have always had their hands in my late brothers back pocket – cars , loans , mortgage payments etc – whilst I stood on my own two feet – I’ve always felt it rude to ask family for money .
    I’m fighting to protect my late brothers name and fulfil his wishes as best I can, by talking to the people who worked with him and knew him for decades – which was how his funeral was put together – my brother and sister in law regarded the funeral mass as “Cultish” – one of their children refused to throw the customary earth onto the coffin at his interment – it hurt me that whatever they thought about David’s faith and his funeral wishes , they refused to honour him in his faith .

    I am broken by this situation but determined to fight on , not just for my own children and their futures but for the futures of my brothers children as I know my late brother would have wanted to leave them this discretionary trust money . My sibling admitted to me in conversation that he did not intend to give his kids anything from the estate as he had never had a “leg up” in life – which , I pointed out , was totally untrue .

    Obviously , I do not know who is named on the trust document concerned , but another trust scheme on which my sibling was named as sole beneficiary , has been overturned by the trustees and that fund will be split equally between myself and my brother – I only know that I am not named myself – well, thats fine , but I deem it totally inappropriate that my sibling and his wife , who earn at least twice as much as we do , will deprive my nieces and nephew and my kids of the legacy I know my deceased brother , had he been fit enough to make proper decisions , would NEVER have denied them .
    The moral of this tale ? Leave a Will , make sure discretionary trusts are properly notated and above all – BE KIND AND FAIR – put personal greed aside and think about what your deceased relative would really want to happen .
    This is a unique post on here because its about an unmarried man with no children who died very suddenly – but it has split a family asunder – and I doubt I will ever speak to my sibling and his wife again – its the last thing my beloved brother would have wanted or could have foreseen – as I share faith and my sibling does not, he has no fear of the afterlife and having to face our brother again and explain his actions – on the other hand , I do have faith and would feel damned eternally if I dont see this through to the proper conclusion – long post, I am sorry for this .

    • Don’t be sorry for the long post! I am so sorry for what you are going through and I hope the process of writing it out gave some small feeling of purging! It is truly a tragedy what estates can do to divide families. I wish I had magical words of wisdom, but since I don’t I would just encourage you to remember that (as much as you might want to) you cannot change/control the actions of your brother and sister in law. The only person you can control is yourself, doing the things you need to do and also taking care of yourself. Sending good thoughts….

  32. My Dad passed away 3 weeks ago. Each of the 4 adult children and 10 grandchildren were very close to him. Mom passed away 11 years ago. Dad had been ill for more than a year but wanted to be in his home. Youngest sister and older brother lived in town and helped out the most. Myself and other sister lived 2-4 hours away, myself caring for a severely disabled adult son.we did our best, visiting often, helping out and arranging his care. C, the youngest sister got her adult daughter to move in with him though right from the start, wouldn’t stay weekends. We also had some nursing care so she mainly made sure he had meals (though never cooked)& that he took his pills. We paid her caregiver wages, room& board and internet, at 25- she had not worked or gone to school for 5 years. So this was a bonus to her. She complained constantly about being tired. Couldn’t be alone at night so we hired her brother to be ther 5 nights a week in case dad needed help to the bathroom – another $300 a week and he mostly just played video games. Next he needed evening nursing care so we added that. Next the daughter needed a week off (after 5 months) – we worked that out despite all the other issues we were dealing with. Everyone knew that when Dad passed – the jobs with him ended and that included the staying in his house during the week. Well, apparently not. C asked us several times during funeral arranging about her daughter living in the house. We didn’t think it a good idea as she would be isolated (family is in a different city), no friends nearby or transportation as she does not drive. Also she had not been at the house since he died (2 weeks)& lived with her Mom on weekends. She kept pushing so the 2 other sisters each explained why not in Clear but kind emails. Then, without replying, she moved her daughter in anyway. Brother & I as executors told us to move out as we needed to secure the house and changed the locks. C wrote horrible messages about all of us on Facebook, about our greediness (every single thing will be divided evenly & fairly)& how we value money more than people and tossed family out on the streets. So the FB community believes we are horrible money grubbers. Her kids wrote similar. Then they unfriended us. Then came the scathing emails. Her greatest beef with me? I didn’t give her friend $20 for gas when she picked me up from the airport in the day Dad died (I gave her the $5 I had in my purse). I had just driven 200 miles, taken 2 flights and spent $1,000 on travel – all the day he died. She had not wanted to pick me up either. She also,left my husband’s name off the obit and when I told her I was hurt by that she snapped – “well I don’t have one – how would I know.”. Now she has informed all of us that she wants nothing to do with us (despite years of us helping her physically, emotionally and mostly financially). She is taking her inheritance and thumbing her nose at us. Told us to sell off everything including the house and give her her share. Oh and as for the cottage we all jointly inherited? We must pay her out for her share as she doesn’t want it and by the way – don’t use any of dad’s money for the repairs it needs – just cut her a check! Yes – my sister has turned into Godzilla and both she and her daughter are accusing us of being the wrongdoers. Just unbelievable. We just want to feel the sadness and grieve our beloved Dad. Not feel hurt and anger and confusion. It feels like a train wreck and we lost 5 family members – not just 1

  33. My mother passed away a few days ago. I am one of several children. The local florist makes a registry of sympathy items immediate family liked so they can offer suggestions to those not sure what they want to send. My sister in law acted like a “monster bride” adding a large number of suggestions of what she liked to this list. I don’t want conflict at this time, but how is the best way to divide these items after the funeral? My brother and his family did nothing to help my elderly mother such as mowing the yard, shoveling snow or taking her to appointments. I want to be fair about distributing the sympathy gifts among my siblings. Any suggestions?

  34. You don’t have permission to access /My best friend of 30 years died recently. In grief, I reached out to another old friend who I fell out of touch with. He called the family to offer condolences. Unfortunately unbeknownst to us, there was a rift between the Mother, and the father that persists, (they are divorsed), and the Mother chose not to tell the father of my friend’s passing, (she said it was my friend’s wishes). My other friend called to offer the family his condolences and ended up inadvertedly telling the father. So Now I have the mother mad at me and the father trying to get in touch with me to get details, because the mother hangs up on the father when he calls her. I have blocked all parties involved numbers as I don’t want to be involved in what is a family affair further. It wasn’t my intention to cause trouble when I reached out to my other friend in grief, but the mother blames me for this mess. I guess I just need some one who’s not involved to tell me if I did anything wrong and if I’m handling things right. Thanks for your time.

    • You did nothing wrong. It is unbelievable that parents could hate each other so much to not share that information. Neither side should be hassling you.

  35. My mother just recently got diagnosed with secondary breast cancer in the bone after breaking her hip. My sister never calls and refuses to visit because she says and i quote “Now mum is dying i won’t get a cent.” My sister never cared for either of my incredibly ill parents even when my mother was initially diagnosed with breast cancer several years ago. She needed constant care as did my father and i took much time off work to help. Would do so again in a heartbeat. She neither works and has older kids. Yet she feels she is entitled to my parents money which i feel should remain put for any treatments my mum may need and after that my father. Yet she squabbles with my heavily grieving brother who now cares for my parents to push my mother whom is in hospital now to rewrite the will so she and her children get their money. How does one even settle such greedy behaviour? I want all money to remain for my mums care and funeral and anything my dad may need as he is very sick too. My brother agrees but my sister is making my mum’s final moments so very hard with her money grubbing vindictiveness. She won’t call my father or mother but consistently complains that as eldest she deserves most of their money and possessions. I’m the one taking on my mother’s final wishes and trying so hard to help my brother and father deal with their grief. My sister is only in contact via text to ask how the inheritance situation will be done. We’re at our wits end.

  36. My best friend passed away 3 mos ago, very suddenly she had a blood clot in her leg, I was texting her at the time, her and I knew each other for 13 years but we were just family by marriage, almost 2 years ago something happened one day at a barbeque and we just clicked it was a friendship were we always were together and we hugged each other, held hands, did everything together, we could talk for hours about anything and always laughed together, when I would go to her house I would ask if her other friend was coming and she would say no!! I want u all to myself, I know how much she loved me and I her, but her other friend who lives around the corner was friends with her 3 or 4 years, but they didn’t have the connection and bond we did.. we did everything together 4 or 5 days a week we seen each other and text everyday all day, when she passed the other friend was suppose to go look at her leg and instead of calling 911 when she didn’t answer she took an hour going home n getting tools to break open the security doors, when she got in seen she was blue called 911 they said my sweet angel had been dead 10 minutes by then, they called me I rushed to hospital but she was gone, at the funeral everyone from her family lives in diffrent states and they called her the best friend and she let am , when I said my speech people said she was only one not crying and since then I have backed away n let her play the part.. also my ex brother in law who cheated on my sister n left her after 20 yrs moved in her house so I have mourned my friend who I cry about everyday all alone because our family’s aren’t close now because of the brother in law who cheated on my sister, it breaks my heart that her husband n son haven’t said to people that i was her best friend because they know it.. Im just very hurt because alot of things that I gave my friend people took so when I went there later to pick something out for me all the things I gave her were gone.. I feel betrayed by her so called bff, and won’t answer her texts or speak to her because she knows this isn’t right.. I also know her husband n son are grieving and probably don’t even realize it ..

  37. Vultures…my husband had a heart attack and was very ill. He was released to come home for a short while. 36 hours later his son (my stepson) entered my house without my invitation (stepson’s key which was to be returned) with family cousins and reps to hold family court – and to persuade my husband with an ultimatum to ‘pack my bags within 24 hours, divorce me so that his 36 and 37 year old lazy stepsons with girlfriends and hoard of animals could move in.” Both our mental capacity issues were raised as well as concerns about my husband being held a hostage against his will! I was aghast and horrified. My sick husband told them to go and I threw them out shouting at them that they had no right to come into my house. This is a pre-empt of what will occur when my husband dies. Vultures who think they are God!

  38. My comment/question is simple. For personal reasons I do not want to be referred to as “beloved son/brother” on the family headstone. My family refuse to comply with my request – what canI do?

  39. My Mom passed away recently. , My Dad already passed a few years back. There was no will, In the state we live in our law states that when their is no will ( and also their was no house,no real property) then personal belongings of the deceased go to the surviving children of the deceased, Equally divided. My Mom just rented a apartment.) , My brother did not follow this law, He made all the funeral arrangements and paid for them( dont even know with what money?) Was their any in the estate, pension fund., life insurance, We dont know,, but He called us and left us a message that told us of Moms passing after everything was arranged and payed for so we couldnt have a say in anything regarding the funeral. As well as Church Arrangements. , Who was doing readings, who were pall bearers, We couldnt take a part in any decision making,because everything was done by My Brother. . The funeral home was nice and polite but sorry that their was nothing they could do because everything was already paid for by my brother who knew of Moms passing first and then put everything into action. , Then after the ensuing days, my brother cleaned out Moms apt ( we were not allowed in because only my brothers name was on the lease for the apartment with a phone and address info for contact information so the apt complex director would not let us into Moms apartment.. This led to My brother taking everything and did not divide equally between another brother and myself < Everything ( personal belongings, any money left in accounts, etc should have been divided one third) So because of no will, , My brother only, gave us a box of pictures of our family my parents had and of our children and some small gifts we had given to Mom and Dad thru the years, and some little trinkets, plaques etc we did not even ask for. ( We also noticed some expensive gifts we did give were missing) Other than that, He a emptied the entire apt and its belongings and kept them or gave them out to whoever He chose. . This is a sad situation, We asked my brother for certain keepsakes we wanted, ( copys of family genealogy in the Bible, and or the family Bible, and copys of old family pics of great grandparents and relatives on both sides of Mom and Dad and copys of parents Wedding album and some other personal Keepsakes we would have liked to have which He didnt give us. , We did not get one third of everything in the apt by any stretch of the imagination, . He wont answer texts ,phonecalls or answer letters, We were told we could bring it to court and have him document where all the money went and to follow the law and He should have split personal belongings three ways with surviving children. ( If you all cant agree on a item you can buy each other out) . At first I thought about court but then I found out you really dont need a lawyer and you fill out a administration form and it seemed like alot of work and all the belongings were already given out,, To get one third also some things may have had to have been liquidized.if you all cant decide on who wants what and before it is given elsewhere, You need to come to agreements. None of this happened. Its a sad situation that you have to deal with on top of death, I wish that Mom would have taken some steps to take care of this but she died unexpectantly and guess she thought she had time, But.My brother thought He could break State law and take what He wanted and not divide equally between surviving children. , He has gotten away with it, He will have to live with this on his conscience. ( if its working properly) , A Good and Holy Priest told me what matters is reconciliation took place with My Mother and myself before her unexpected death and that is very important. Our daughter encourages to look at Saint Francis with his poverty and think like that. You dont need material things, ( just memorys). Last I texted my brother saying He did not give us all the personal keepsakes we asked for and if He could ever find it in his heart to give us them to us one day we would be greatful. I doudt that day will ever come that He responds back, but the peace that I have knowing that I didnt break any laws and My brother was informed He did,, you cant put a price tag on , ( Having peace) Sure I would have liked the personal keepsakes we asked for but we cant get them now unless we go thru alot of trouble with court forms and its something that I just dont feel like going thru now even though it hurts and am trying to accept it , There are good days and bad days, Some days feel like should go to court and make brother document where all the assets went and that the surviving children are suppose to be the first people who can ask for certain belongings before it goes to relatives, neighbors, friends, goodwill or whoever my brother chose to give it to. Its a sad situation, It has taught us a lesson for our own family and children that this wont happen with our children and has opened up discussions, We dont want them to experience this. If I were in that position I could never empty my Mothers apt and keep everything or give it out without asking my other two brothers what they would like and whats important for them to remember Mom and Dad, So its hard for me to understand how my brother can do this. So we learn to live with this hurt and hopefully in time the hurt will diminish. I know Our God is a just God and sees everything, I will leave it up to Him to bring about justice in this life or the next regarding what my Brother did with this, Like the article stated, Now I believe it had to maybe do with control in handling grief. I never thought of it that way but it makes for a good explanation of one of the reasons of why my brother acted the way He did, Reading these posts helps and makes you feel you are not alone, and this seems to be fairly common in familys, My poor Husband and what He went thru with his family is also wrongful. His Parents had a note book that He didnt even know about, and all of his siblings wrote in the book what personal items they wanted, so at time of his parents passing all his siblings came with their trailers and trucks to take away everything they asked for in the house, while my poor husband didnt even know about this book that it even existed and He didnt get any of it as everything had already been claimed by his siblings. , He went into the garage and took some of his Fathers tools no one wanted. How terribly sad and awful. I think people alive and reading any of these posts should do all they can to learn from these experiences and take care of their affairs so children especially are not left with this heavy hurt at their parents death adding more to the grief they have. , Thanks for having a website like this, at least to share your grief and story is theraputic in some way and other people out there going thru this can understand your pain. . Praying for all people suffering from grief and situations they find themselves in with family members that just add to their grief and also for the souls of any loved ones that passed on and may be still suffering and need our prayers. Our family is of the Catholic faith and we are taught how our deceased loved ones need our prayers, Masses, Love and Charity towards them, I try to concentrate on that aspect, And I rejoice in knowing our God is one filled with Mercy as well as justice. . I will leave the wrong done to us for God to take care of. ( but it still hurts what was done to us) Time heals I keep hearing so waiting for time to pass. There are good days and bad days, You can be angry about it and then next day find yourself being forgiving and feeling sorry for someone to do such a wrongful act.to you and then you learn from the experience and its always better to have peace in your heart than carry around all the baggage, and pain. I know I am not perfect and have messed up many times in life but It just amazes me in a situation such as this that I can not comprehend how this was done and My brother did this.to us. Wishing everyone peace in your heart today and as many days as you can muster it up. Blessings, AveMaria . , . . . , .

    • Just wanted to say your post helped me in my situation. I wish you peace also.

    • Thank you for sharing your story. I went through a similar situation with my brother and father’s wife. I accepted my dad’s wife from day one. She never liked me or my family. She got my brother’s loyalty along with my father’s. I became the black sheep. I estranged myself from them and it brought me great peace. Unfortunately it severed any type of relationship I would ever have with my brother. Now that my dad is gone I thought my brother and I could work things out. My dad’s wife is still in the middle of it all. They split everything two ways except for an insurance policy that was in my name. My dad’s wife even had the nerve to call me and tell me what they split in half and my brother was getting everything left since she was executor of the will. The will was poorly written and my brother was written in to get all tangible items and personal property, pictures and jewelry. What was left for me was non tangible items which was stuff not traceable. She handed stuff out to my brother before I caught on what she was doing. I got a box of garage sale items. It wasn’t about the money. It was about the fall of the relationship with my brother. It was very painful that he behaved the way he did along with my dad’s wife. He had no loyalty to me and teamed up with my father’s wife. That’s why I walked away years ago. I wasn’t expecting anything surely never expected to be treated bad once again. I have given it up to God and I hope my dad has now found peace and is reunited with my mother now.

  40. Oh my word, wish I had read this a few months back! It might have spared me some of the countless restless hours reliving the shock and anger at my sister’s behavior when my Mom passed away suddenly. There were awful scenes that seemed straight out of a movie. My sister forged ahead with planning a funeral without asking me or my grandmother. She ignored my grandmother’s pleas to have a catholic funeral since that was the only religion Mom ever practiced and the man who was like a brother to her was a Catholic priest who had taken her to Rome and holy sites in the middle east. She facebooked my mom’s death, then called my grandmother to tell her she lost her only child a few hours before any other family could be with her, never once contacting family nearby to be with her. She refused to pay for my mother’s body to be embalmed for the wake so my grandmother wouldn’t have to view her week old corpse. My Mom also wanted to be cremated and she said it was an unneccesary expense, calling me the worst word you can call a woman and demanding that I pay the interest on the credit card she was using to foot the bill until life insurance came through. During the funeral she refused to sit with the family, instead prefering to sit across the isle with her best friend. The sad thing is these moments as well as really ugly scenes with my sister prior to my Mom’s death likely fueled by her processing grief around my father’s death 7 years earlier have left me with such awful memories and the feeling that I no longer have a sister. She has never apologized to my Mom or myself for her screaming, profanity-laced tirades and probably never will.

  41. My 17 year old niece was just killed by a drunk driver a few months ago and we are a very close family. It was my sisters daughter and my 16 year daughter were inseparable since birth. My sister has literally gone crazy…she is 37 and started hanging out with the 25 year old coach at our daughters school non stop and text around the clock. Nobody in my family can even talk to her anymore without her texting or talking about her new friend. Her remaining daughter and my sister fight over who gets to spend more time with the 25 year old and her husband seems fine with it. They have forgotten all of us and won’t even talk about their daughter who was killed only a few months ago!! I am furious with her bc she has completely emotionally shut down and reverted to being a teen! My heart is broken and my daughters can’t understand how their aunt and remaining cousin aren’t even grieving or talking about this huge loss.

    • Eliza,

      Gosh, I’m so sorry for your family’s loss and for the turmoil they are now going through. While it is certainly normal for people to act different or for their priorities to change after a death; you do describe a very unique situation. Unfortunately it is just impossible to know specifically what’s going on with your sister and whether her behavior is helpful, self-destructive, or neither of the above.

      I guess the question I would ask if I were you is, what need is this 25 year old filling for your sister? Does he somehow, either personally or through her relationship with him, help her feel closer to your niece? Does her involvement with him help her to escape or avoid reality?

      As frustrating as it is, if this relationship is a way to avoid grief (and it may not be) it makes sense that she would shut her family out. You want and expect her to grieve, so at this point being around you might threaten her as it would force her to face realities and emotions that she doesn’t want to face, or cause her to feel shame for avoiding her grief. On the other hand this 25 year old is maybe allowing her to be someone different entirely, allowing her to look at life differently, and maybe allowing her to feel closer to both her daughters. Have you had a candid conversation with your sister about what’s going on with her and about your own feelings? Is she receptive? Responsive? I’m sorry we can’t offer more. I hope you’re able to find a way to connect with your sister. Hang in there 🙂


  42. I had this problem with my husbands family he passed away July 13th 2015. They are the type of people that are always mad he had been in jail for 5 months prior they didn’t speak to me the whole time cause if something they were mad about, when he passed I told them I wasn’t going to make a final decision without them because I felt like it was the right thing as soon as we started the arrangements I make sure what I wanted was OK with them they were all in agreement with what I wanted but when it was all done and over with they had a problem with everything that I chose now it’s been almost a year and they want nothing to do with my children which is fine because it’s their loss these are my mother-in-law’s only grandkids of her sons they didn’t even hug them at the funeral my children did nothing wrong they lost their father and his entire family

  43. Here’s my problems, my mother was seriously ill for some time. Back in December well new yrs eve to be excact, I stayed with my mom of 66′ knowing this is more than likely going to be her last new year. We spoke of death, she seemed to have come to terms with it. Any way during our conversation I said don’t worry mom were all on the same path, and me being a believer in the afterlife also gave a little comfort to us both.she told me what she wanted, I said I know you want to be cremated, she said, and also said she would like a whicker effect coffin. I said how about horses and carriage mom, she said you won’t be able to afford such things, I said watch me. My mom loved horses, we planned prior to this news years eve, to go to a farm and see some horses as shed never been so close to one., unfortunately mom got worse and passed away on Sunday 2nd April, yes 3 days ago, I’ve had a couple of days to think, yesterday I went to a well recommended funeral director, payed for the horses and carriage, and the coffin she wanted.this leaves an outstanding amount for all other arrangements, I’ve been writing a tribute since yesterday for the vicar to read, I asked my sister for some input, she said mention that mom liked to bet on the horses. By brother informs me that my sister doesn’t agree with the horse and carriage, she thinks it’s tacky, and doesn’t want mom on display. She’s getting at me with snidely remarks, hel!!. Can anyone see a problem here. Everyone I spoke to thinks I’ve done nothing wrong. It’s my moms final journey,

  44. It can be amazing the positive support you may feel and have when someone has just passed away but it’s months later when things calm down, when your mind isn’t as busy after sorting affairs out and other family members get on with their own lives and don’t keep that close contact. This is when you feel alone and lost the most.
    Communication is a two way thing and when that is broken and you are constantly keeping in touch with no thought from the other side to pass by on their own accord to say ‘How are you today?’ you feel isolated and forgotten.

    I would give this advise, it takes less than a minute out of your daily life to see how someone is when family has passed away. The effort needs to be equal from both parties and never assume. Step into the person, affected shoes and try and walk in them…. No one is never too busy that’s just an excuse.

  45. Greedy , heartless aunts

    • I lost my dear aunt last summer. She was 74 and never had children. My greedy aunts took all her Rolex watches and her savings and went on vacations..I went to her gravesite yesterday and there is No headstone…only a small aluminum grave marker. Shame in them… They will rot in hell

  46. I am horrified by the way some of the family members acted after my mother passed away. Thank God we have a Personal Representative! It was NEVER a close family, but I was particularly appalled at the reading of the will. Mom liked control over everything and everyone, and when that went away, the result was chaos, confusion, finger-pointing, bitterness and a lot of hurt feelings!

  47. My family is doing this right now,and my aunt is still alive.The family members that are acting like vultures,did this when my grandmother passed away,they took everything from her home,when we were told to come up and take what we wanted,everything was gone,even personal items that were given to her, when asked where they were they did not no.My aunt now in the hospital, suffering from possible cancer was told by these family member that stuff is missing from her apt.,why even upset her when she is ill.I was told by her to take her items back to my home for safe keeping,as she knows what they did to my grandmothers belongings.Terrible thing to have to lose family members,becasue they want stuff from her place.shame on them.

  48. I never knew what people could be like after a death of a family member. I am the common law wife of a beautiful man who died suddenly and much too young. The two brothers…one who hadn’t seen him in 30 years, except for a few times (the latest times at my urging him to re-connect with his brother- now I understand his resistance) had started planning to steal his woodworking tools and anything else he thought he wanted two days after he was found. I learned this when I offered to have my husbands cousin over to use the tools, since the guy doesn’t have much. My husbands mother said “— has voiced an interest in the woodworking tools..” when you’re ready”… Well, — called dibs on my husbands truck on the second day too…in the guise of giving it to his son .. (They all think I have no rights, apparently). My husbands other brother literally found out the beneficiary info on the FIRST day he was found, through an old friend of his who had access to the computers at my husbands place of work…not legal. They all know what I’m getting- but no one has told *me*. To boot, now I’m single with no income and rent to pay… and they expected me to offer up a % of the services- payment. (After they froze his bank account with two months rent in it. Gone! & Even though the two brothers live extremely well)… The ex who has always used his beloved son to manipulate my husband into getting everything *she* wanted… literally wanted me to give her his favorite clothes so that she can have her friend CUT THEM UP and make a quilt for her 17 year old son (who was given a 1,200 guitar and everything he wanted by me and who expressed NO interest in the quilt) .. ON THE SECOND or THIRD DAY my husband was found. The ex still pushed for another guitar too…again, his son had no interest.
    These people are truly sick in my opinion… and I have threatened them all with arrests if they come to my house. Good luck to anyone who’s going through this Bulls–t! You’d think losing the love of your life would be bad enough to deal with.

  49. My husband’s mother died unexpectedly in January 2015 after a short illness. We were traveling. The widow and his daughter (my husbands sister) tried to make the funeral arrangements (2 days) so quickly that we were not able to get home to attend. A phone call was made to the father and he said that is the way it is. The funeral home, however, was not able to make the arrangements that fast and we could attend the funeral.

    After that, the sister convinced the father to give her his house. She then mortgaged it to the hilt and took out large sums of money. The sister then gave away the mothers belongings without asking if the brother or his children would like anything.

    The father has given the sister free range over his life and decisions. Of course, that means he has only her influence. That is purely his choice.

    There have been told many lies and untruths told by the siblings to the father and all other relatives to blacken my husband, the brother. It appears to be to character assinate the brother and his family. Maybe even to assuage guilty consciences.

    In December 2015, My husband put a small decorated tree by his mother’s grave. He has decorated the graves at Christmas for many years. Other relatives decided to desicrate the decorated tree.

    Guess there is no choice but to cut them all out of our lives to avoid constant hurt. We just can’t, and chose, not to deal with the family’s chosen path of meanness. We will have nothing more to do with them. This may be the sisters plan, but the dad made it very clear that this is his choice.

  50. Our brother Patrick died suddenly of stomach cancer in June of 2014, after we lost our sister Mary in January of the same year, also of cancer. Perhaps is was the shock, but our older sister Donna, who had promised to help me and our remaining brother with the funereal expenses, has not contributed one cent as of December 2015. She is retired and on a fixed income, but so are my other siblings. Her adult children support her, so money is not the issue… To top it off, she is an extremely fervent catholic, and doesn’t hesitate for a second to criticize loudly any one who doesn’t follow the catholic doctrines. Her hypocrisy boggles the mind! You put a dollar sign in front of my sister, and those strong Catholic “values” go out the window..The part of the article “Generalizing the Negative” is true, but as I look back on our adult relationship( I am the youngest of 7 kids and my sister Donna is 19 years older than I), she has never reciprocated any act of sibling affection. We all have treated her to lunches, dinners, movies, even vacations, and barely a “Thank You” is offered. I know you don’t give in order to receive, but all I ever asked was to have a sibling relationship where you don’t go months without hearing from a person, or that your calls and e-mails are ignored.. As I write this , I have officially given up on her…I don’t reach out to her any longer, because the deafening silence is too hurtful.. I n 2014, I lost 3 of my adult siblings..2 of them, Mary and Patrick, from cancer, and my sister Donna from selfishness..

  51. Im going to start off with a little bit of background to try and bring everyone up to date. My grandmother passed away less than a month ago. She was a strong amazing woman with a heart of gold and open arms. She left behind 5 living children all over the age of 50 along with over 20 grandchildren, over 30 great grandchildren and even a couple great great grand babies. My mom (the baby of the family according to grandma) has been a permanent fixture in my grandparents house as a caretaker, a companion and a best friend to her mom for the past 10 years. They did everything together and lived within their means while relying and leaning on eachother to make ends meet. They didnt have much, they shared a small trailer worth less than $5000 and everything they have in it thwy purchased together they were more than happy to have eachother and proud of what they have accomplished as a team. Now she has passed and my mom is all alone and to top it off her siblings are being very cruel. Grandma died suddenly and unexpectedly and did not leave a will. The only thing she left was words of her last wishes to my mom and i. We have been accused of stealing and hiding valuables that dont exsist and a living will that was never written. Mom is the only one of her siblings that has ever worked for her money (though it isnt much) and is also the only single sibling of the family. She drives to and from many clients homes on a daily basis in a car that barely runs and is now trying to make ends meet on her own small income. My aunts and uncles showed up a two weeks after her passing and tore through grandmas room like it was a rummage sale leaving nothing but a bed and night stand and now they are trying to take the trailer and car that has been signed over but never transferred to my mom so they can sell them for less than $6000 leaving my mom and the 2 dogs she inherited completely homeless and without a vehicle. As i said before they are all married with their own cars and houses. The funeral costs were taken care of with donations and there are no final bills. They just want the little bit of money. They have all had great relationships with eachother until the day she passed. I love my family and all that they are but im finding it hard to forgive their cruelty and selfishness. I cry for my moms heartache everyday and just keep thinking to myself grandma will be home soon to straighten all this out knowing its not true. I apologize if this is not the place to share this story but i feel as though it needs to be told and i appreciate the open ear.

  52. My grandma has died since September 2014 and my mum, dad and granddad has been fighting since and my grandma was the one who didn’t let them break apart!!!

  53. Thank you so much for writing this piece. I found it very helpful. I am the oldest of six siblings who lost both parents within six months of each other in 2014-15. All of us are on the same page regarding our parents’ trust estate except one brother, who is abrasive, insensitive and outspoken about what “he” thinks our parents’ trust and will says, and what it actually says. His comments started before our remaining parent (father who is was never close to) died earlier this year. As I am the successor trustee, he complains and criticizes what I do regarding the estate despite the fact that the estate lawyer told him I was doing everything in order, and in a timely manner. He wants me to sell and liquidate all of the estate’s assets and divide it six ways, but that would effectively make two of our siblings homeless. So anyway, reading your essay helped be make some sense of out his behavior. Thank again.

    • Ugh, I’m so sorry that this is your experience. I cannot tell you how often we hear stories like this. I hope your brother is able to find away to be a little more at peace with the decisions that were already made and which are being made. Good luck with everything.

  54. I recently lost my mother and went through what I believe to be the worst experience with disagreements and fighting. I was at a loss as to what caused the disagreements but after reading the article, realized it was about control. Though I felt there was communication among us and joint decisions made, accusations were thrown about me doing things “my way”. That for me was very hurtful as I consulted and communicated information each step of the way and got input before finalizing. I now realize that family members needed to try to regain that control that was taken from them through the death of my mother.

    • I am going through the same thing right now. My sister who I was closest with committed suicide. I have planned and paid for 99% of everything because none of my family can afford too. I want her to have a beautiful service. I have got hell from my mother and 2 of my sisters. I had her belongings sent here to my house and I have caught hell from my them all week. It has made this whole process twice as stressful. I’m appalled at my moms behavior. She is so afraid I will open the boxes and take something. She doesn’t even want me to to open it so I can take some of her things to the funeral home to lay out in her memory. It sickens me, the whole thing.

      • Oh my gosh, Kathi, I am so incredibly sorry for the death of your sister and what you are going through. Grief can bring out so many complicated emotions and behaviors for families and this can be even more complicated when a death is by suicide. We have a post on suicide loss which may also be helpful to you. Please take care and I hope you find our site to be of support.

  55. I am going through the most right now, my grandmother is very sick and my uncle is made because me and my brother are beneficiaries right along with him and wants to know why his kids aren’t, my grandmother adopted me and my brother when my mother passed while we were kids. He’s thinks we’re keeping insurance papers from him. I have power of attorney and a joint account and have been helping her with everything. Now he’s trying to get her pension and make funeral arrangements already. Though he was go be my support but boy was I wrong, his mother isn’t even dead and he’s acting like this.

  56. I just lost my 14 year old daughter a month ago. Her father and I are divorced. It was nice to see both sides get along until the “gift box”. All I have to say is this article hit me. I’m glad to know I’m not the only one going through this. I wish you could do more articles so I could understand the grandparents side and understand people. I’m sad and angry. Never thought this would happen in our family.

  57. When you bring a stepmother and stepchildren into the mix it is even worse. My stepmother (actually I refer to her as my Dad’s wife…….she was never a stepmother to me.. She ordered the medication that killed my dad. When my brother was killed in a car/train accident the Dr. gave that medication to me dad to settle him…. This was the medication that was ordered for my dad. My sister is a nurse and she informed me of the records that are kept. I would never had guessed that things like that can happen. Because I was one of the executors (until I was removed) of my dad’s will I was able to get copies of dad’s medical records from the hospital. (This was shared to me by my sister. ) This is when we found out for certain (in black and white) that she had ordered the medication that killed our father. 15 years later we are still feeling angry that this could have been done. Please read all of your loved one’s records in the hospital. Do not assume!!!

    • PMD, I am so sorry for your losses! Your story touched me as I had a very very similar story happen with my Dad just two months ago. For me it’s not only the grief of losing my Dad and the ordered medication by a recent marriage, I also call her my Dads wife, but also the trauma of dealing with her greed and theft in his estate. This is truly a heartbreaking nightmare!

    • You sound like the crazy adult step daughter I’m saddled with. She made her fathers life a living hell, unable to accept her father was happy in remarrying me. The scheming little psycho wrote letters accusing me of trying to kill her Dad(because she’s insane).Then, she disowned her father while he was receiving radiation/chemo. She’d only welcome him back if he divorced me. Her insane obsession with me continues to this day, after his death. I have a restraining order in place against her. She also broke into our home while he was in hospice, helping herself to items she felt she `deserved.’ While he was in hospice dying she pestered me about the will. You sound just like her. I doubt your step mother killed your Dad. I think you’re mad because you wanted everything left to you

      • Elka,

        I’m sorry for your husband’s illness and death and for the turmoil you’ve experienced with your step-daugther. I don’t doubt this has been traumatic, but I don’t think it’s fair to assign your step-daughter’s characteristics and motives to the above commenter. Although the situation you described can and does happen, so does the situation she described. Though a grief website like this lends itself to support and advice of one another, it’s also limiting in we truly have no way of knowing what anyone else has experienced or been through.

        • Absolutely!!! My step-mother died before my dad, but from what I read, she doesn’t seem like a very loving person. I wonder………who really was the greedy one?

      • Elka,

        I read her statement, and then read yours. Actually you sound much more vindictive and greedy that your late husband’s daughter. Maybe you should read what you wrote again. WOW!

    • As to your search to prove your step-mother killed your Dad via medications. I can assure you even if you get the list the nurses will be rolling their eyes in disgust. I learned from hospice nurses it’s not uncommon for adult children who hate their step-mothers to pull this stunt. It’s that cliché. My awful adult step daughter also blamed my 86 year old father for `plotting’ with me to ‘turn my father against me.’ I loved my husband more than I’ve ever loved anyone and I cannot imagine ever feeling that way again about anyone.BTW, over the two year course of his illness , I was with him every day. I never stopped viewing him as handsome. Or the most perfect person in the world for me. She called him ugly. She chose hating me over loving herfather and as a result she robbed herself of spending time with him. Her obsessioj with `getting to me’ was and is so all-consuming it’s also robbed her of living her life. What a tragedy. To have hurt her fathrer by hating me and by continuing to hate me she has no time for anything else. What a terrible self-imposed emotional prison she created for herself.

  58. I am dealing with “rogue” family members now. My mother is ill, there are end-of-life issues. It is just a matter of time before she is put on hospice care. In the beginning (she broke her hip and was also just recently diagnosed with cancer for which she would not tolerate aggressive treatment) we were sharing some responsibilities, but they all slowly stopped returning mine or her calls, don’t come to see her. I work full time and 3 of the others don’t work at all and even live closest to her. The other 2 are in complete self-centered denial. It is the purposeful non-communication that really has me at a loss. My resentment is becoming so severe that when she passes, I don’t care if I ever speak to or see any of them ever again. When it come to money — there is none — but if I am even approached in regards to any, some big beads are going to be read before I exit the family altogether.

  59. Wow, this article is true. I am beneficiary on a good friend’s insurance policies. Although I was surprised by this fact, I took on the role of handling her final affairs since her family (from whom she was estranged) didn’t. At the viewing before the service, the family members started trying to find out how much money was spent on the funeral. At the repast (reception) after the service, they tried again. one of them approached me and demanded a meeting with me to discuss what I had, what I had spent and what I knew about her finances and belongings. No mind you, these individuals were not involved in her life. Her friends, me included, have known her for 30-40 years and never heard of these people — all of which are cousins because she doesn’t have any immediate family like parents, spouse, siblings, children or aunts and uncles. Now the real crazy part… They are after her house which is valued about about 500K. I’ve never seen anything like this. They didn’t speak at the funeral. They didn’t ask me if I needed any assistance. The didn’t offer to help write the program. They didn’t even write the acknowledgements…I did. And now they want to meet with me? For what? Is that grief or is that greed. I’m trying to be understanding, but my friend was ill and hospitalized for a long time and they never showed up even though I called a couple of them. People can be really interesting.

    • Just lost my mom & my cousin & sister have excluded me in particpating in any plans in which i wonder “where were you while she was living” Not there!!

      • Ah, I am so sorry Grieving Daughter . . . I hope you find your own ways to memorialize and honor your mom if your family aren’t working together in the way you would hope. Take care and I hope you find some support on our site!

      • My mum passed the end of april, and the uncle none of us had seen in four years actually criticized me when I got emotional in her hospital room.Dont you just love it when people think they have some god given right to do/say everything just because they are “family”?

  60. The article helped a little but after 9 yrs our family is still torn. While Mom was trying to deal with her cancer my Dad was falling apart and in his grief making absurd accusations about my sister and especially about me. He passed these lies onto my brother and his wife, who continued the negativity to my other brother. These were then passed to my mom who had to suffer enough with cancer and now had to realize the poison going on in her family. Luckily she called me and we talked and cried for hours finally getting the truth exposed. Sadly, that wasn’t the end of it. I am closer to my sister which made my Mom laugh because we were never really close before. Today my brothers and their families are not in my circle. Dad is “gone” with Alzheimers. When there is a problem with our father I eventually am contacted by my brother. For years I felt guilty but after seeing a psychic was told I could let it all go; it was meant to be. To my Mom, her family was everything and to see it split apart continues to be sad. To lose my Mom and my family at the same time was so confusing. The lies told about me were so confusing because all I wanted was to help my Mom through this last phase of her life. I worked with hospice and helped my Dad with her medicines. He seemed to appreciate my help to my face, then trashed me behind his back. Anyway….that was 9 yrs ago and long past time to get on with my life. Still, thanks for the article. It’s nice to know torn families exist. As Mom would say, that’s life!!!

  61. This helped some, but this isnt what made us fall apart, ours was not respecting each others different grief. A sort of in their eyes, trying to prove who loved him the most. I sat and cryed trying to figure out why and I think I found the real answer, we all loved this little boy deep, I think for me, I am grieving more, not because I loved him more, but because I had more time and memories with him. Enough to fill my heart so that the pain is crazy. They think I should grieve just like them and I cant, therefore,,,, a torn family. I struggle with not there sympathy, but the lack of their understanding and compassion of what my grandson was to me.

  62. P.S. The will! Don’t forget the will. And update it yearly or if there is any change of status in beneficiaries. A 45-year-old will does not address current situations.

    Even a handwritten document can be valid. Some need a notary to validate it. It’s very easy but please check what is acceptable in your state.

    Bless you all.

    • My brother passed away appro: two weeks ago and has still not been played to rest. I’m being told his body is still on ice. The coroner took it on himself to take care of all arrangements before I was contacted, im assuming he thought I am to poor or to ignorant to do so, no I don’t have money but I believe I can do better than him and now everyone is just taking all my brothers things. It’s only me and my mom left and my mom in nursing home with Alzheimer’s. I’m pleading for help, I need an attorney bad but can’t afford one. The coroner was so rude to me I don’t want to show my face. I want my brother laid to rest and I don’t have any say so please can someone guide me in the right direction

      • Debby, I am so sorry for the loss of your brother and the difficulties with the coroner. In most states you have a certain period of time to contact the coroner’s office (here in Maryland 72 hours). If they have not heard from someone within that time, they are then tasked with determining next steps. I do not know the details in every state, but if you are seeking free legal representation you may want to contact Legal Aid in your stated to ask for assistance. Also, you may want to contact a funeral home to discuss the situation with them. They likely are familiar with the process and legal information in your state.

  63. Aagghh! So true! The vultures circled and swooped in, cackling as they picked through the spoils of his (and to a lesser extent, my) belongings in our home. See my comments in the National Widows Day post.

    As a preventive measure to alleviate some of the confusion before illness or death occurs, please do some legal paperwork immediately. This includes powers of attorney (can be general to cover everything or specific to one category such as vehicle or finance), medical power of attorney, HIPPA privacy restrictions, directive to physicians, out-of-hospital do not resuscitate. Had my sweetie done his homework, he (and we) would not have suffered as much trying to make serious decisions when he was delirious from IV drugs and almost gone. T

    Each state has different requirements. Some hospitals or clinics provide forms for free, as part of the admission process. But if you don’t do anything at all, you are at the mercy of the government, the law or the insurance company. And discussions of treatment among family members will not be fun.

    I thank God for the doctors we had who truly put his needs first in the most compassionate way possible.

    • My younger sister had cancer for a few years and we talked on phone for over a year every day. We were believing for her to have a miracle, so when she died, my other sister called and told me. I was shocked and amazed that my niece or nephews didn’t call me, but had my sister do it. I told my sister still living that if they were coming my way, I’d like to go with them. I never heard from her about a day or so, and when I did she said they were flying down (with no thought of how or if I could go) I thought it was cruel…this was before my sister passed. Due to these facts and due to a terrible pain in my arm I was unable to drive to meet my sister in law to ride with her..she was kind and welcoming but I was in too much pain to go. Since my niece or nephews never even called me and all info I was receiving second hand, I don’t feel like sending them a card since I am grieving not only for my sister but also the way I was ignored by them. They all have jobs and I am a widow over 70. I felt like they should have had some consideration for me. What do you think..I would feel terrible just sending each a card after their total lack of respect for me, plus putting a few bucks in would make me look cheap and they would just talk about it.

    • My son died last week he hung himself his body wasn’t cold and daughter and son in law went round ransacking. I decided on what music daughter argued about that. My sister so caring took me to house son rented she ran about ransacking acting like mother Theresa!!! So called friends on face book nowhere to be seen when son needed help. He told me mum your all I have he cried when he heard what his sister called him on the phone. My gentle boy they pretend to care about ! I too grief stricken to even think about anything I tried to save him but failed.I will love him till I die.

      • I am so sorry for your loss Caroline. My son died 1 1/2 years ago and also took his own life. My experience with my family was much like yours… I know how horrible it is to have to deal with people like that when you are already dealing with the worst thing that could ever happen to you…I am so sorry you have to go through this. A website that helped me is ” parents of children who commit suicide”. I was surprised at how many experienced the same kind of treatment that you and I have from their families. Remember what you meant to your son, what he meant to you..that’s all that matters. Sending you a big hug…

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