Grieving the Death of a Sibling

Understanding Grief / Understanding Grief : Eleanor Haley



For further articles on these topics:


The other day I asked our Facebook community to suggest resources for people who've experienced the death of a sibling.  Although some were able to make recommendations, many were quick to point out their struggle to find help and support for their loss.  One reader even said she dubbed herself the "forgotten mourner" after finding sibling grief was so often overlooked in the support world.  Now, we can't have that!

Obviously, this is just a post and it doesn't substitute for dedicated organizations, movements, or other types of support - but it's a start. Whatever you are able to contribute to the conversation in the comments and on social media, please do. The more voices we have speaking on the subject, the more supported and cared for other grieving siblings will hopefully feel.

This post is long, but the last thing we want to do is create another resource that is overgeneralized and unhelpful. At the end of the post, we'll link to a resource page with suggestions for locating support locally and online.  Got it? Good. Okay, let's talk about some of the reasons why the death of a sibling (at any age) is really stinking hard.


Feelings and Emotions

You may be experiencing grief over the death of your sibling if you feel any of the following -shock, numbness, sadness, despair, loneliness, isolation, difficulty concentrating, forgetfulness, irritability, anger, increased or decreased appetite, fatigue or sleeplessness, guilt, regret, depression, anxiety, crying, headaches, weakness, aches, pains, yearning, worry, frustration, detachment, isolation, questioning faith – to name a few.

Okay, so those things aren't specific to sibling grief, however, they might be experienced differently by someone grieving a brother or sister. For example:

You feel guilty because you...

...are the sibling that survived.

...knew your sibling inside and out and yet you didn't know about the struggles or hardships that led to their death.

...weren't able to protect them.

...feel there are things you wish you had said, but didn't

You feel anxiety because...

...you know how fragile life is.

...you're worried you may die in the same way as your sibling.

...you're worried others in your family may die.

You feel lonely because...

...although you're surrounded by people, you miss the one person who you could truly be yourself with.

I could go on, but the important thing is to understand that your feelings are unique and important. Good, bad, or anywhere in-between, your relationship with your brother or sister was different than anyone else's and so you'll experience hurdles, triggers, and hardships that others may not.

Your parents, siblings, and other family members may grieve in many of the same ways that you do, but in many ways, their grief may differ.  It's important to remember this because misunderstandings can arise amongst family members when people react differently in response to a death.  It's also important for people supporting bereaved siblings to keep this in mind so they can help validate and support the griever's feelings and experiences.


Overshadowed Grief

This is just a guess, but I suspect a lack of sibling grief resources exists because sibling grief is often overshadowed. People simply cannot fathom the out-of-order-ness of a parent having to bury a child, so when this is the case their thoughts and concerns often immediately go to the parent's grief.

Parents themselves may not be able to effectively attend to their children's grief and outside family and friends may be hesitant to step in and offer support or suggestions.  It might also be true that support and attention are first given to siblings who are younger or who are perceived to be more fragile. In a situation where any or all of these things are true, a grieving sibling may end up feeling as though other people's grief is more important than their own.

This may be confounded by the fact that some people willingly allow their grief to go unnoticed by themselves or others. Raise your hand if you're the sibling who feels like it's your job to take care of and support the rest of the family.  After a death, some siblings might quickly step in to take care of their younger children and/or their parents because they feel it's their role or duty. 

Sometimes this happens out of necessity, sometimes avoidance, sometimes expectation, and sometimes all of the above. It is important for all members of the family to recognize that no one's grief should take complete precedence. Although family members might take turns supporting one another, at one point or another everyone's grief deserves attention and needs to be attended to.


Changes in Family Dynamics and Support Systems

Families - functional or dysfunctional - often operate according to a set of norms, roles, traditions, and patterns. Each person has their place in the family system, so things can get thrown off balance when someone in the family dies. An important person is gone, and those who survive them are sometimes unable, unwilling, or disinterested in filling that person's role(s) or carrying out traditions and patterns as they have in the past.

Shifting family dynamics can lead to the weakening of support systems. Parents and siblings who are grieving may be of less, little, or no help. If a person's support system largely consists of family (which is often the case for children and teens), they may find they're facing one of the hardest periods of their life without a safety net.

The support system may also be weakened if the person who died was an important source of support for surviving siblings. This may be true at any age, but if the death happens when the siblings are in older adulthood, the person who died may have been one of the surviving sibling's few living family members

For all these reasons and others, it is common for people to have to reassess their support system in the wake of loss and to seek out additional help while coping with their grief.


Comparisons and Expectations

You are special and you are wonderful (come on...you know you are). You have no one to live up to besides yourself, your goals, and your own potential.

Okay, I just wanted to say that as a reminder to anyone who feels like they're living in the shadow of a deceased sibling. Feeling compared or overshadowed is common after the death of a sibling, and (although you may be hesitant to admit it) this experience can result in feelings of resentment or anger towards family and/or the person who died.

If this sounds like you, the first thing we recommend you do is to ask yourself, "Who is making me feel this way?"  If the answer is your parents or other family members, then the next thing you might do is try to communicate with your family about how you feel. This might seem like a scary task because you don't want to rock the boat or make anyone feel worse in their grief. If this is the case, or if you think your concerns will fall on deaf ears, you might want to consider talking to a counselor about how to approach the situation or enlist the help of a family counselor to work with the family as a whole.

Your own self-judgement

Now, you may find that you yourself are responsible for comparisons and expectations. This might happen for a number of reasons including insecurity, guilt, or the feeling that you need to pick up where your sibling left off.  If you think you might be the source of comparison, then some serious self-reflection is probably needed.

Acknowledging the truth of the situation is a good start, you're in even better shape if you can identify why this is happening.  As you search for answers, you might find it's helpful to spend time in reflection, journaling, or talking to a trusted confidant, support group member(s), or counselor.


Missed Opportunities

When a person dies, you are not only robbed of their physical presence in the here and now, but you (and they) also lose the chance to spend your tomorrows together. Your life after their death becomes filled with thoughts of "if only", " we would have", and "I wish."

This is obviously the case for missed opportunities in the future; the happy moments you wish you could have spent together like weddings, graduations, births, adventures, and family get-togethers. We talk a lot about how to handle these moments here and here and here. However, missed opportunities are also felt when people wish they could make up for all they didn't do while the person was alive. For example, taking the chance to say "I love you", "I'm sorry", "I forgive you" and "I care". 


You miss the hell out of them

Sibling relationships obviously vary in their degrees of closeness, love, and amicability.  Some siblings may be thick as thieves, others wonder whether they're even really related.  Regardless, siblings are our ties to family bonds.  They have known us the longest, understand our history, and are the people with whom we have the longest running jokes. They are the most judgmental people we know, and the most accepting and loving all at the same time.  Siblings can never be replaced and when they are gone we miss the hell out of them.


As promised, you can find help locating sibling grief support on this page. Please comment below and share your experience with the death of a sibling and/or recommended resources.

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After writing online articles for What’s Your Grief for over a decade, we finally wrote a tangible, real-life book!

What’s Your Grief? Lists to Help you Through Any Loss is for people experiencing any type of loss. This book discusses some of the most common grief experiences and breaks down psychological concepts to help you understand your thoughts and emotions. It also shares useful coping tools, and helps the reader reflect on their unique relationship with grief and loss.

You can find What’s Your Grief? Lists to Help you Through Any Loss wherever you buy books:

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997 Comments on "Grieving the Death of a Sibling"

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  1. Anurag  March 24, 2024 at 11:22 am Reply

    My elder brother died of cardiac arrest on 21 march 2024. Although I didn’t like him since childhood and we stopped talking since 2018 we finally has few talks just days before his unexpected death. I miss him so much. He was the one who takes care of whole family,have big desires and hope for his family including me because although we didn’t talk he may be still care about me .i don’t know I come to know this by other people. I wish he wasn’t gone because never in my life I wish any harm on him. Maximum he need to stop devalue people and become respectful. I miss him and hope his soul is in peace right now as his last few months are really painful because of lung infection. The amount of pain ge goes through is unimaginable as he is crying like everyday.

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  2. Lori N  February 17, 2024 at 1:08 am Reply

    My older brother went missing on September 7th, 2022. The police realized that he had been endangered and searched for him for several months before informing us that they feared foul play. Almost a year to the date of his disappearance on September 8 2023 we learned that he had been kidnapped, and torture over 4 days before he was buried alive. 1 female has been charged with several severe charges, the man involved with the murder was her boyfriend, who is in prison in another State for drug trafficking, the police are still searching for a third person who may be involved.
    I’ve been unable to find any help in my area of Springfield OR. I have reached out to numerous organizations, however they are all out of the US. I have searched for books of healing, adjustment of life, complex trauma support, but haven’t found any hope from anything. I just want to know that what I’m feeling is real, and the emotions that I find difficult to name, do exist. I have been seeing a psychiatrist, a counselor and a therapist who all tell me that they have no words..they can’t comprehend what I am feeling and aren’t sure where to direct me for help, healing, and healthy expression of my emotions.
    If you, or anyone who you might know has experienced something similar I would be interested in communicating with them. I appreciate your time and hope to hear from you.

  3. Annette  February 5, 2024 at 6:24 pm Reply

    My Big Sister passed away unexpectedly in August of 2023. She was my rock, my everything, my mother, my father, my guide,My protector. I’ve been experiencing Overwhelming Crippling Anxiety since 2022 being that I’m perimenopause, crying every day. She cracked her ankle in 2 places and was in physical therapy and rehabilitation hospital for two months and we don’t know what happened. She just didn’t wake up one Saturday morning. Her husband died in October of 2022 and my cousin I was close with died in August 2022. But her leaving has really impacted me a lot..I feel my life is so dark without her. She left two daughters behind that are adults in age but not in mentality. I worry about them so much. I can’t step foot in my sister’s house, can’t look at pictures of her that people post on Facebook of her. I can’t listen to Michael Jackson because she was a very huge fan of his. I’m afraid of my triggers of the extreme sadness it gives me because I don’t want to wind up in the Psych ward (those places are horrible for just people dealing with Just Depression and anxiety) (been in those places twice already in the past year and a half) she was a Deaconess in her church and She’s someone I very much looked up to in life. Now she’s gone and I feel like my life is spiraling downhill with everything happening lately. I’m alone with nobody who understands or supports me.

  4. raul lopez lll  January 26, 2024 at 10:13 am Reply

    I had a little brother by the name of elijah david lopez and when he was 2 months old he passed away due to S.I.D.S and my parents were devastated and me being only 5 at the time i felt like there wa nothing i can do but now that im older and we still grieve to this day and that was 13 yrs ago but i know now that im 17 and im older i realize there was stuff i could do to help my family with the grieving process and so my advice to any kids out there no matter how old you are you can make a difference with anything you do so make the good things in life matter to you and don’t take anything for granted

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  5. Josiah F  January 3, 2024 at 4:45 am Reply

    My Older Brother, Elias passed away September 5, 2023.
    I found him outside and his heart had gave out, I held him as he passed and I felt so powerless, I realized I truly am a spec of dust on this planet earth.
    My brother was my everything, I wish I was dreaming. Ive been incredibly strong for my mom and dad, along with my sisters. I feel a new sort of responsibility.
    I love my older brother to the moon and back, my heart speaks to him everyday. I know hes resting with all his old firefighter friends and family.
    I am learning to live around grief and not letting grief consume me.

  6. Cassie  August 22, 2023 at 11:37 pm Reply

    My brother died October 2nd of 2022. It still doesn’t seem real. I think I’m still in shock. This wasn’t supposed to happen. His baby girl I’d missing her dad. He was the most generous kindest man I’ve ever met. The most understanding. I can’t work or go through a. Day without crying and missing him.

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    • Dawn  September 11, 2023 at 11:11 am Reply

      Cassie,
      I want to say I’m truly sorry for your loss and I lost my oldest brother Oct 13 2022. I still find myself crying at the drop of a hat and miss him daily as we were the closest of friends. He was leaving work and someone hit him in his driver’s door and was killed instantly and it still seems so unreal.

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  7. Michelle  August 22, 2023 at 9:38 am Reply

    My big brother passed away on September 14, 2022. He was and still is my hero. We were two sides of the same coin. We had so many inside jokes and so many memories from when we were little, teenage years, and then being adults (but not grown up yet). My mother passed in 2009, my father passed in 2018, and now my big brother passed in 2022. My little family unit of four is now one. I still needed my brother. I miss his face, his smile, his laugh, his texts, and everything else about him. It is very difficult dealing with his loss! People tell me to remember the good times that he and I shared. I do love the memories that I have of my brother, but they make my heart feel like it is being ripped right out of my chest and I can’t breath. They remind me that my reality is that for the rest of my life, I will never make anymore memories with my brother. That was all I got and he didn’t say goodbye. He had moved away from our hometown a few months before he passed and he left without telling me goodbye. He was all the way up in Washington State. I had to have him cremated there and they sent him home in a little box. It kills me that he was all alone and he was scared. It was about 4 am on the 14th of September when I was up crafting when I felt a wave of fear and panic. It caught me off guard and it freaked me out. I shook it off and another wave of fear and panic about 7 minutes later. I found out later that when I was feeling that fear and panic, my brother was dying. He was so far away from me and I felt him. I love my brother and I grieve him every day. I apologize for writing so much. But thank you and God bless you if you took the time to read what I posted about my grief.

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  8. Lisa G  August 15, 2023 at 9:18 pm Reply

    My baby brother 2 weeks ago committed suicide.
    He was almost 55. The grief is unexplainable.
    My parents are passed and this is hard.

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    • Teresa  August 17, 2023 at 6:01 am Reply

      Lisa I am so sorry.

      There are voluntary groups run by people who have also had family members suicide.

      If you would like some help finding some just ask me.

      This is very raw for you right now. You are ultimately not alone in this.

    • Megan  September 12, 2023 at 8:58 am Reply

      Lisa, I feel your pain and am so sorry. The missing is relentless. So hard to let go of the years you were supposed to have together. I understand feeling very alone after the loss of my brother. Be kind to yourself. It is a long road learning to live with this.

  9. Doreen  July 14, 2023 at 7:41 am Reply

    😭😭My brother was my best friend. Why did I have to stay but he got to go???? The pain of his loss is waaay too much! 💔 I lost all zest for life, all interest in things and all hope.💔 I miss him soooo much.😭😭

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  10. Soraya  July 5, 2023 at 10:21 pm Reply

    I lost my dad 16 years ago unexpectedly. My mom, sister and I were devastated but we supported each other. We created a new normal without my dad. A little over a month ago, we now lost my big sister unexpectedly. My sister was my bestest friend, my rock, my constant. She was my everything, my person. We spoke everyday, all throughout the day. I don’t have anyone in my life that compares. Although she lived 5-6 hours away from my mom and I, she made it a point to visit us monthly or every second month. When I had my daughter 15 months ago, she made sure to visit us every month or more. She was actually supposed to come visit us 3 days after she passed to celebrate my last week of maternity leave with me. We were supposed to go to the spa, go shopping and just have fun. She was so selfless to put her life on hold so much for us. She was the best aunty to her only niece.

    She took up too much space in my life and heart that no one will be able to fill the hole she left.

    And my daughter will never know the old version of me (before this tragedy in my life). It breaks my heart. It breaks my heart that she will not know my sister and all the love she had for my daughter. My husband and I will be sure to speak of her often but it’s just heartbreaking.

    Now I have to go on without her which is the worst part. I’m just scared to live the rest of my life without her… so scared. Parts of the day can feel very heavy, painful and isolating. It’s hard trying to build a “new” life without her in it…. Because that’s just exactly what I have to do now… it’s rebuilding my day to day since she was such a huge part of it before. I catch myself wanting to pick up the phone to give her a call or shoot her a text, something funny on social to share with her, any irritation about anything, just anything and everything it was her more than anyone else.

    Life just feels really cruel.

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  11. Laura H  July 3, 2023 at 6:11 pm Reply

    My oldest brother was killed August 27, 2020 only 2 months to retirement, almost 3 years ago. He was a police officer and he got called out on a erratic person outside a closed casino. He was killed when the guy (monster) on a 4 day meth bender charged at him with a broken bottle so my brother backed away and the guy jumped into his police car and drove right over him killing him. I have learned that there is no thing as, well the guy was caught so it’s nice to have closures. There is no such thing as closure ever you just learn to live with it because you really have no other option.

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    • Megan  July 5, 2023 at 12:00 pm Reply

      I am so sorry for your loss. Trauma adds a lot of complexity to the grieving process. Be kind to yourself on that anniversary coming up, and don’t feel badly about still actively grieving this long. It takes as long as it takes to learn how to incorporate this kind of pain into your everyday life. Love and respect to you and your family.

  12. Shirley  July 2, 2023 at 12:48 am Reply

    Someone took my brother’s life on June 16. He was a father of eleven and a grandfather of five.
    There were four of us: my brother, who was the youngest, and my two sisters.
    He called or texted us everyday to check up on us and to tell us how his day was going.
    We will never have that again. No words anyone can give me will provide me comfort.

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  13. Meaghan  June 2, 2023 at 12:59 pm Reply

    My sister passed away just under two years ago at the age of 40. We were each other’s closest friend and confidante. She didn’t have kids, but she knew everything about mine and would remember things about them that I’d forget. Nobody could make me laugh the way she could. I have a brother, who is great and whom I love very much, but I don’t talk to him about everything and anything the way my sister and I did.

    I have days where I can barely stop from screaming (although I do, because I have to) and when I want to just curl up in a ball and cry because I miss her so much, all the time. There’s nothing to do but carry on, but I hate the idea that for the rest of my life there’s going to be this grey pall of grief because she’s not here to enjoy it with me. I can’t see this lessening with age; I know how much I miss her now. She’s always going to be gone, so why will it hurt any less?

    My parents are doing their best to be strong and carry on with their lives too, but they’re just so deeply sad. You can catch glimpses of it when they don’t know you’re looking. She was their youngest and their baby.

    Nothing anyone can do, but it’s just so very, very sad. She was a really special person and it’s all such a waste.

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  14. suki  April 27, 2023 at 9:13 pm Reply

    Suddenly, I catch this website after tryin to find abook about grief. 11 years have passed but the grief still lives inside. Even if i’m busy doing activities, there is still this grief which wanna shout out of my heart. This is so hard. I wished I could replace him. I forget to show and tell how much I love him. He is my dearest, my partner of crime of doing lie, my enemy and my lovely partner doing everything in my life. Sometimes, I try to distract by seeing romantic movies or western dramas, but deep inside, it still goes out. Shout out of my heart. I love him so much. And I hate to see the fact that I have struggled so far to live in this illusion of life for more than 11 years. Miss him a lot no matter I cry like a baby or just small tears. Going to his graveyard sometimes feel nothing, but when Im far from that place, this grief wanna hold my tears and wound. He even came into my dreams several times whenever I dont expect. Miss him a lot.

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  15. Suzette Arceneaux  April 14, 2023 at 2:32 am Reply

    I lost my older brother on October 12, 2022. We were very close and often talked about how it would feel when one of us would go first. I lost another brother at 14, he was 21, in a car accident and that was tragic. However, I didnt have alot of time to grieve because I wanted to be strong for my parents. I never really dealt with the pain of losing him, that was in 1982 and time has healed those wounds. Although many times I wonder what life would have been like with him here. I lost my mother in 1992, she died suddenly from a stomach anureysym. I then lost my dad in 2004. This was very hard for me, he lived with me for some time after my mother passed.
    My older brother and I were the only two left of our family. I had no idea how how much pain I would suffer with his passing. We visited one another on a daily basis and if we didnt visit we definately spoke on the phone. We had developed this strong bond because all we had left was each other.
    I dont have any regrets, he was concious before he passed and I was at the hospital by his bedside everyday. I had the chance to tell him how much I loved him and how special he was to me.
    I have the impending feeling of grief and lonliness that doesnt seem to be getting better. It is extremely difficult to wrap around in my head that he isnt here anymore. I listen to his voicemail on my phone daily just to hear his voice because Im afraid to forget it. I wake up thinking this is all a nightmare, it cant be real!
    My life is totally turned upside down, I cant sleep at night, I barely eat because Im not hungry. I stay in my bed all day and rarely leave my house. When I do leave I feel like the world outside of my room is so scary, I cant wait to return home to feel safe again.
    I realize that it is normal to grieve and especially to miss him because we were so close. However, I have no motivation to live I just go through the motions. Im hoping this is all a part of the grieving process and time will heal the pain.
    Its like I re-live the pain on a daily basis, when I wake up in the morning (if I was able to sleep at all) and for a moment I forget he is no longer here.
    Im happy I had the chance to share my story here because I am really afraid of the way I am handleling this loss. Thanks for listening and God bless you all.

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  16. Thea  April 13, 2023 at 9:56 am Reply

    Im 14 years old and my brother died 2 weeks ago. I need help. I feel like im suffocating in grief. He was only 11 and died in a car crash. Idk what to do or who to ask for help. This page has given me hope, and i know he wouldnt of wanted me to given up. Thank you

    • Denise Lara Mangalino  February 7, 2024 at 2:34 pm Reply

      Hi Thea, I’m so sorry to hear about your brother’s passing. I hope you are doing okay and have fund someone to speak with to help you manage this difficult journey that is grief. A good place to start with locating local resources is asking your school for assistance and/or letting your family know that you need more help.

  17. Lisa  February 17, 2023 at 9:08 pm Reply

    I lost my sister on Feb 6. We were very close and it is so difficult. She had battled cancer for about 20 years-1/3 of her life. Always the fighter-doing every treatment, surgery, chemo, and radiation the dr suggested over the 20 years. At the beginning of this January, she had a migraine for a week. I tried texting and calling but she said she would call me when she felt better. I kept asking if I could come up (from Houston) to help her. She kept saying no-so I waited, respecting her privacy. She was extremely private. She was not married, nor did she have children. So I tried to help her as much as possible. Quitting my job to be available if needed. She had a double mastectomy last summer and 6 weeks of radiation in the fall-that I helped her with. On January 9 she finally took herself to the ER. Was diagnosed January 10th with a brain tumor. Called me at 10:00 on Jan 10 and she had surgery at noon. The Dr only was able to remove 5-10 % as it had already infiltrated her cerebellum. She declined very quickly and passed on Feb 6. Being single, my brother and I made her medical decisions at the end. I signed my sister’s DNR. We had Ann admitted into hospice when her pain became unbearable and mental status declined. My brother, my mother (91 yrs old) and I stayed with her around the clock. 6 days after entering hospice Ann took her final breath. I miss her terribly and I am haunted by all the final decisions I had to help make. I feel I did everything possible and was so glad her pain was finally under control after entering hospice-but still have a pit in my stomach. Tomorrow I head back to Dallas to help my brother start the process of cleaning out her apartment. I am sure a whole new sadness will come over us. Thank you for listening and hugs to you all.

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    • Dawn M  April 4, 2023 at 11:44 pm Reply

      Lisa, I am so very sorry for your sister’s loss. I read your comment and sobbed for an hour and thought, “Finally, someone who gets it.” I lost my sister Christine in Feb of ’22, also to cancer. She had Hodgkin’s lymphoma in 2008 and went into remission for 13 years, only to be diagnosed with AML 2 years ago. This time, I was her stem cell donor; previously, she had her own stem cells transplanted. She quickly suffered from Graft vs Host shortly after, and it all went downhill from there. When the doctors decided to stop making her a human Guinea pig last November, my parents used their home as a hospice. She turned 50 that year. I want to tell you that you are now in my prayers; this is going to be the toughest fight you’ll ever have to endure, but you will make it. Do NOT try to bear this grief on your own. And don’t wait to seek counseling or a support group, as soon as you can manage it. Love sent your way❤

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    • Kathy  April 7, 2023 at 10:10 pm Reply

      Lisa, I am so sorry. I’m reading your comment crying for my sister. I can imagine how deeply you miss her and how her suffering has impacted you. My sister developed brain Mets too from uterine leiomyosarcoma. Even though we all knew it was terminal somehow I didn’t think she’d die. I kiss her like crazy. It’s one year and 8 months but it is difficult. She and I were alike but she too was private like your Ann, and did not want me with her at the end. I am thinking of you and hold you in my heart. the shock and deep sadness is something I live with daily. I still cannot believe she is gone. Light and peace to you. Kathy

  18. Alison  December 6, 2022 at 2:16 pm Reply

    My baby brother died by his own hand in January and I feel I am stuck in a rut: outwardly I’m coping and fine but inwardly and when I’m alone I just feel bleak. He was brilliant at everything, and larger than life, everybody loved him but he only had one sister and I only had him. I am exhausted with missing him and not being able to cope with my parents who have fallen apart. I feel utterly disconnected from the world and still can’t believe he’s gone. Love you so much Mafoo x

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    • missx  April 26, 2023 at 9:12 pm Reply

      The disconnect is a very strange and horrible feeling, but it WILL pass or lessen. It can return a bit when you have memories or feelings much later. It is because we are so shocked at the loss of our sibling, because it is so insane, especially when the loss occurs this way! I do know. ): I have these weird dreams where my only brother (older than me) and my mother are between here on Earth and somewhere else, because I lost them both on the same day (at once) end of Sept. 2021. I am a well-known actress and singer in some circles, auditioned on Broadway for a well-known musical in Manhattan, and much more, but the incredible, brilliant talent and energy of my brother cannot be gone. I hope it helps everyone to know you are not alone in these feelings. We don’t know what loss is until we lose our family members.

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  19. kyky  November 15, 2022 at 9:01 pm Reply

    My older brother was murdered when I was 11, it’s been almost 10 years and I can’t move past it. I am consumed with grief, I honestly thought it would get easier. I wish my other siblings cared for me like he did, none of them check up on me or anything. Sometimes I feel forgotten by the people who are supposed to love me, and the one person who never made me feel that way is dead and I am alone. I am approaching the age that he died at and I am scared to live on, I feel guilty that I couldn’t save him but I feel even more guilty that I will be on this earth longer than he was.

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    • Sara  April 6, 2023 at 9:20 pm Reply

      I feel the same with being on this earth longer. My younger brother just passed away almost 2 weeks ago. He was 25. I’m 28. I have 2 kids, a husband, a great job and I feel completely lost and different now. I want my brother back. I don’t know how to find my old self again.

  20. Lucy  November 8, 2022 at 4:15 am Reply

    My little sister died in June of this year. I now only have my mom and dad left. I feel I lost not only a sister but also our family. Although I have my husband, I feel alone. I lost apart of my childhood. The only person who has grown up in the same world is gone . My mom is losing her mind now, my dad forgets everything. My husbands family isn’t my family. Life is strange now. But I just miss her. Nothing else really matters. I miss my sister. Just try to stay busy. Try to look for light in things and laughing at morbid things help. She was 23. I’m 29. Life is strange. People die. And people live.

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    • Sara  April 6, 2023 at 9:21 pm Reply

      I feel this same way. So lost and sad.

  21. Jennifer  October 18, 2022 at 9:25 am Reply

    My sons ages 20, 12 and 10 lost their 17 year old sister to cancer in September 2021. As a mom who is grieving it’s been hard to support them…some of the things said to us although well-meaning have been in truth awful. While other people ignored the fact these boys hurt and hurt bad. There’s a lot of pain behind the smiles…that doesn’t determine how well a person and/or sibling is doing. I wish their was more support for the forgotten victims of childhood cancer.

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    • Savannah  March 9, 2023 at 9:43 am Reply

      Hello, um (sorry, I’m a little shy) I lost my older brother, Jake at age 24, he died protecting me, he got shot directly in mid-section before the cops got there.

      I was grateful that he protected me, but cost him his life.

      The medical team immediately took him to the hospital and see if they can get the bullet out.

      They did get it out, but I was not going to make it, and my family came to say farewell to me, especially my younger sister.

      She said that she was happy that he protected her, and replied weakly that what brothers to, protecting their younger siblings and my love will always with you.

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  22. Edgar  October 3, 2022 at 2:26 pm Reply

    My little sister passed. Ten years younger than I am. She was 38. She knew something was wrong with a condition she had, she kept quiet about it, not to worry any of us, and tried her best to fight it… I feel guilty. Really guilty. I am her big brother and I’m faking my behavior everyday with my immediate family and at work.
    Yes, I feel guilty because I am the sibling that survived.
    I knew my sister inside and out and yet I didn’t know about the struggles or hardships that led to her death.
    I wasn’t able to protect her. I wasn’t able to protect her.
    There are things I wish I had said, but didn’t.
    I wish I could have cuddled with her and gave her all the hugs and kisses she deserved from a big brother. There were five of us, one boy (me,) and four girls. Now we’re down to four. It’s hard to say.

    I can’t get the thought out of my head that if I were to have hugged her, stopped her from thinking or talking, calmed her down with her head on my chest, would she have let everything out? Was that what she was looking for? Was that what she needed? How scared was she? Did she need ME to comfort her over everyone else? Who else was there? My father is too solid, she wouldn’t have wanted to worry my mother, nor my sisters. All of which are older than she was.
    She had no other man in her life. Always looked for me whenever she was in trouble. She looked for me a lot. We were constantly on the phone. It was always an overwhelming pleasure to see her and I had to hold myself back from hugging her and kissing her at times because like I said; she was always so hyped up and jolly. I hadn’t realized that at the same time, during her last days; she was only pretending everything was going to be ok. It’s been 3 months and I still wonder; Was she looking for that one specific hug from me when she looked for me? I feel as though I messed up big time. I didn’t see it and I now live with this guilt no one can help me overcome. I have to just live with it knowing it’s not healthy for me at all. I can’t enjoy hugging my own children like I used to because I can’t hug her, the guilt I feel that she’s not around to hug her own daughter, as well as my children, and I will never get to enjoy our family reunions without her. Things will never be the same ever again. I can hit the Lotto now and not enjoy it as much if I would have if she were still here with me.

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  23. Hillel  September 16, 2022 at 2:06 am Reply

    My older brother died 2 days ago. I feel I was with him so I don’t feel guilty. My 89 year old mother seems to be taking it hard. I want to be my own person and not get swallowed up by other people’s needs. At the same time my son is getting married the day after the funeral and I really want to be there for him

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  24. Linda G  September 13, 2022 at 6:05 am Reply

    I’m no stranger to loss. I lost my son and my husband. I’m not old by any standard. Two months ago I lost my youngest sister. It was sudden. She wasn’t sick. I’m the oldest of four girls and ten years older than my baby sis who was also my best friend. This is the first time I’ve read anything that addresses the death of a sibling. Support is scarce both within my shrinking family and from outside. There was no shortage of help when my child or spouse passed. For some reason, loss of a sister is ignored. I’m having a very difficult time. Part of it is cumulative—much of my world is now at the cemetery. But my relationship with my sister was as unique as she was—loving, caring and simply the definition of good and pure. I’m grateful for your acknowledgment of my daily pain. Thank you.

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    • Christina  March 12, 2023 at 10:56 pm Reply

      I lost my sister also unexpectedly. The pain I feel consumes me. I can’t breathe sometimes. I don’t even know where to start to get through this and she died almost 3 years ago. I feel the heartbreak and shock of losing her just the same. I feel like I need to get out of my own skin.

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  25. Joy  September 11, 2022 at 12:47 am Reply

    My little brother Gerry died on April 6, 2019. I have never recovered. He was my best friend, my closest connection in this world and now he is gone. I’m struggling to find some reason to go on. All I ever wanted to be in this life was a big sister, but I couldn’t protect the person I loved the most in this world. I’m beside myself with grief that has not abated one iota since my brother’s death. I can’t even bring myself to socialize because I don’t know what the point would be; why even try when they wouldn’t be as awesome as my brother? I just wake up each day and pray for God to take me to where my brother is. I just don’t know what to do. I’m filled with guilt (as the surviving sibling) and sadness and I don’t know how to move on.

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    • Litsa  September 12, 2022 at 2:20 pm Reply

      I am so sorry for your incredible pain, Joy. Have you connected with a therapist to help you in the process of learning to live in the world without him. I think this could be a tremendous support to you. We don’t learn how to grieve and often we need some support and guidance in the process when the loss is so heavy. Please also know there is always hope and help – even when it feels hopeless. If you are ever thinking of harming yourself, ir just need assistance connecting with a therapist in your area, if you call 988 you can be connected with crisis support services in your area.

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    • Megan  September 12, 2022 at 3:14 pm Reply

      My brother was the best friend I ever had too. His loss was devastating for me too. I can tell you it gets easier to live with this pain, though it never goes away. A friend told me it would get 0.00000000000000000000000000000000000000000000001 easier each day and he was right. It’s slow. Allow yourself the time you need and don’t worry about what other people think about your timeline.

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      • Thato amelia  November 24, 2022 at 12:20 am

        My first symptoms of ALS occurred in 2014, but was diagnosed in 2016. I had severe symptoms ranging from shortness of breath, balance problems, couldn’t walk without a walker or a power chair, i had difficulty swallowing and fatigue. I was given medications which helped but only for a short burst of time, then I decided to try alternative measures and began on ALS Formula treatment from Tree of Life Health clinic. It has made a tremendous difference for me. I had improved walking balance, increased appetite, muscle strength, improved eyesight and others. ]

      • Jennifer L  April 19, 2023 at 11:04 pm

        I lost my brother April 20,2019 he was murder. I was closer to him then my twin sister. We did everything together. I just feel lost and alone the person is still walking around that killed him.

    • Rosy  February 21, 2023 at 10:39 pm Reply

      My only brother who was younger to me died because of me.since den I also want to go to him . daily I want to die.i have talked, searched many spiritual persons n talked to them but everything I found was lie.

    • Kattie  February 28, 2023 at 4:06 pm Reply

      Oh sweetie I feel your pain in such a way that I can’t even find the words to articulate it. It’s ridiculous and morbid and sounds horrific to say that I almost got excited to read your comment. Not because in any way I could find some happiness in anyone else’s pain, simply because your words mirror my life it seems and I felt excited I guess that maybe someone in the world understands me. My baby brother Nathan died on Jan. 3, 2022, slightly over a year ago. A baby, he was not. Nathan was 33 years old when he passed and I was 38. I have spent more than 3 decades experiencing life with this person in every way and to look back and realize someone I have loved forever and don’t even remember ever existing without, was ripped out of my life abruptly….has been life altering, heart shattering and lonely, to say the least. My brother was the most awesome person on earth. Our relationship was ridiculous and excessive and obnoxious but only because he was my very best friend and we could 110% completely be exactly who we were, with each other. We loved each other to the ends of the earth and I would willingly walk into fire or face war or give up ALL of my limbs, to just have him back. No one knew me like he did and loved me unendingly and always supported me without judgement….the way he did. We have been by each other’s sides for every up and down, every high and low, every celebration and every deep dark corner. The trauma of suddenly losing him and literally watching him grasp for breath in a hospital room that day was something that I will never get over, never in any way heal from and never be able to accept. Not ever. Just as you stated, the pain hasn’t abated in any way in my life. Not one ounce of it. Not for one moment. Time heals nothing. I’m broken and will never be whole without him. I’m not saying I can’t ever have happy moments or that I’m suicidal at all, I’m just saying that I will never be complete again. He was such a part of me….of who I am….and has left such a giant hole in my heart…it will never heal. I know this without question. I wouldn’t even want yo try out of fear that somehow my healing would be intertwined with somehow letting go of him in some way, which I will never EVER DO. I don’t care what anyone says I will never move on in any way that even suggests I’m letting go of any part of him or our history together. I can and will simply share every aspect of my brother and who he was and our life and our stories and all our laughter and every moment that crosses my mind regarding him….with anyone and everyone that will listen, I suppose. I promised my nephew (10 years old) the day Nathan died that I will be his “daddy-advocate” for the rest of our time on this earth. That I will never let a moment I’m with him pass by where I don’t help him remember his dad or celebrate his dad and our relationships with him and every moment we spent with him. My nephew is a huge part of how I’m even able to get up and exist in this world somedays….no one on this earth loved my brother as deeply or as much as I did (besides my parents obviously) and knew him as well as I did. Nobody. Never. Nobody on this earth both laughed and cried with him throughout life as much as I have. I will spend my life making sure my nephew knows who his dad was….how much he loved him…and what kind of man he was. But I do know, with absolute certainty, that the hole he left in my heart will never heal.

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  26. Gerri  July 10, 2022 at 3:17 pm Reply

    My little sister died 6 months ago still no answers i feel so lost without her for 36 yrs she was in my daily threw all our kids and life changes then just gone . detectives are providing no answers other then her life style choices are the key factors i wish i could get answers from the last person to see her alive or someone that heard something ….or anything for that matter some how nothing was heard or seen anything i feel helpless and broken

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    • Jaycee  July 13, 2022 at 11:58 am Reply

      I’m so sorry for your loss. My sister was 36 when she was murdered back in December. I feel the same sense of loneliness since I’ve literally known her my entire life. I spoke to her every single day so I have been having difficulty fitting into a world where she is not. The answers we have haven’t help. There’s been an arrest and details we had to find through the news but I’m still feeling that same shattered spirit as the day we found out she was taken. It’s so hard and everyone saying it’ll get easier actually makes it harder. I don’t know that anything I say will help you. But for some reason I found some mild comfort reading your comment because there’s someone out there going through what I am. It helps me to picture a place where I’m not as alone as I feel. Hopefully, my comment will at least do the same for you. All my prayers and all my love to you and your family.

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  27. Maleni  June 14, 2022 at 10:44 am Reply

    I’m 38, and i lost my brother when i was 18, and the pain is indescribable to this day. He passed away in 2002, and i have never stopped missing him, and the pain hasn’t gotten any less. It was just he and I, so when it was just me, i felt like a pillar was taken out of my life. I cry for him and miss him so damn much. I felt like part of my strength was taken from me. I still can’t believe i have to do life without him.

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    • Lindsey  October 21, 2022 at 12:34 pm Reply

      I completely understand how you feel.
      It was only my brother and I, and we were closer than most of my friends are with their siblings. Our house was the go to house in high school. And my friends all knew my brother.
      Big hugs 💜

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    • Megan  November 9, 2022 at 2:22 pm Reply

      I feel the same way, hating that I have to do life without him. I dread the things I will endure without his support. I sometimes feel overwhelmingly lonely on this planet without my brother. I have close friends but no one will ever compare. It’s ok to still cry. Just don’t stop living.

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    • Mary-- Lee  December 12, 2022 at 12:19 am Reply

      We lost our brother suddenly in 2018. We were a family of 3 boys and one girl, me. Ted and I were the middle children, me # ,2, Ted #3. We all suffered some level of abuse in childhood but esp Ted. He and I were major supports to each other all our growing up years. His death totals me still. I think of him every day. I think of how he struggled all his life. It seems his last 10 yrs were among the best. He achieved some long awaited dreams and made many friends. I feel it is unfair that the one who suffered the most, died too young. I wish we had spent more time together in recent yrs. I deeply regret I didn’t know he was having signs of heart trouble. I was an R.N. I feel like I should have known, I wish I could have helped save his life, cared for him even if he sustained a disability. His only son is orphaned. I do all I can to support him but it’s not enough. I have a disability that frustrates my ability to more effectively support him. I fear for his future. I wish we could have Ted back. I will never fully accept his loss. Part of my heart died with him. There’s nobody to talk to. I grieve alone in my room. I cannot imagine the depth of his son’s loss.

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  28. Joey h  May 19, 2022 at 12:10 am Reply

    I lost my big brother in 1990 I was 19 he had just turned 21.He had moved to Florida at age 15 to move in with our biological father because my mother was leaving our first stepdad for another Man and so me and my youngest brother were left with our mother and soon to be stepdad#2.At age of 19 my brother called said hey move to Florida I was in Ohio at the time.so after 4 years of separation me and my brother reunited in the spring of 1990.It was awesome being back together.as kids we were really close and now as young men we were reconnecting.i was impressed with him cause he was riding motorcycles which I thought was really cool.i can still see him sitting at his dining room table talking to his friends as I was walking out the front door of his apartment to go hang out with my buddy.i remember hesitating and looking back thinking I should say something as I was walking out.i remember a strange feeling coming over me at that moment but as young kids do just passing it off…if only I had known that would be the last time I would see him alive I would’ve told him he was the one person I always looked up to and the one person I always wanted to impress and make proud but I never got that Chance it’s been 32 years since that day and it has not gotten better in fact maybe worse cause as I’ve aged and lived life I’ve come to see all the things he and I have missed out on mostly being uncles to each other’s kids and I’m the only one in the family who even acknowledges his life so when I’m gone no one will even know he was here except for you who are reading this.hopefully one day two brothers will reunite again til then to my brother Jake I miss and love you wherever you are and hope to see you again!!!

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    • Lucy  November 8, 2022 at 4:32 am Reply

      I talk to the moon too lol. I think that’s when they come back to visit. The full moon feels like it’s my sister stoping by. Or we’re just losing ur minds. Who knows. Hope you’re doing well and your kids are thriving. You’re a good dad and brother. Positivity is hard but it’s a way of healing or strength. I don’t have answers but I liked your post. Keep talking to the moon.

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    • Miss X  April 26, 2023 at 9:25 pm Reply

      Hi, I started crying reading this because that’s what comes back to me more than anything; ‘seeing’ him in my mind as my older brother was when he was a kid, and how wrong wrong wrong it is that he left so tragically. The ‘forever’ part of it (being for the rest of our lives without them) is too much for anyone to comprehend, so I try to think of it as they have left, they have ‘moved on’, so we have to somehow do the same. There are times when he tried to connect with me and I was not around, and this was after not seeing him for many years! I kept trying to reach out to him, to help, and all I can say now is I can’t leave him alone in this cemetery, and I told him that on the day of the funeral ‘ I am not leaving you- you will always be by my side for as long as I live’.

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  29. Jin  May 10, 2022 at 8:21 pm Reply

    I lost my little sister way back in 2005 but it still seems like it happened a month ago. I watched as my mother grieved for her daughter, it tore me up to watch her. Now I just lost my dad due to cancer so he was home on hospice care. It was territory watch to. I’m always grieving my sister. I wasn’t there to protect her, I let her down. I can honestly say that watching my mother go through it took me off the list of grievers, only cause I tried to help my mother through it. I went through a bunch of emotions, sad, mad, every emotion seemed to be out in order. Meaning I went from one emotion to the next. I am now going through the somethings by trying to help my mom. I need to try and focus on me I stead keep sweeping it under the rug temporarily.
    I’m so sorry for the rest of you who are grieving in any way. Our time will come and I’m sure they’ll be waiting for us on the other side but for now we have to stand strong for that’s what they would want of us.

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    • Lindsey  October 21, 2022 at 12:39 pm Reply

      Oh Jin!!!

      I. So sorry that you feel like you aren’t allowed to grieve and be sad.
      You have every right to it. You need to be able to process the grief. It’s awful, and it hurts, but you have to make the space for it.
      When I lost my brother I had a 16 month old baby, and a few months after my brother passed I had a miscarriage. There was too much awful. Then I got pregnant with TWINS!
      Only when they were a little older was I able to start the grieving process all over again.
      Making space for the stories that I was worried about forgetting, Listening to our music, writing things down really helped. Talking about it with my kids helps too. Our girls never got to meet their uncle, but he’s just as much a part of our family.
      Sending love and hugs 💜

  30. Marissa  May 8, 2022 at 7:13 am Reply

    I lost my brother January 2020. He was addicted to heroin for a few years and got into some trouble and was sentenced to 2 years in county jail. When he was released he didnt tell anyone and went to get high. My dad found him 3 days later in my grandmothers abandoned house overdosed. He died on january 27 2 days before his 27th birthday. He has twins that are 8 now and they will miss out on such a good person. before the drugs he was my best friend. A hard worker a loving son, dad, and brother. I cant understand why he had to go. He had so much life to live, and i cant get over his death.

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  31. Eric  May 6, 2022 at 12:32 am Reply

    It’s been nearly 3 years since the unexpected passing of my brother. Some days I still cannot believe he is gone. Often there is a unique relationship between brothers — we were very different on the surface level. But deep down, we knew we always would look out for each other. I unexpectedly found his lifeless body at his house… he’d been having some medical problems one weekend, and was about to go to the ER. I went to his house to pick up his dogs to take care of them while he was at the hospital… but sadly, he never made it there. By the time I arrived, he was gone. The hardest thing I ever had to do in my life was to call our mom and tell her that the paramedics had arrived… and her second-born son had left us. To this day, I still suffer from flashbacks… reliving the entire day in detail (PTSD?). Happily, those flashbacks have diminished a bit. But I’ve learned that the ONLY thing that keeps me going is to acknowledge the fact that he would want me to KEEP LIVING and move forward. He will never be forgotten… that is for sure. But I make it through every day knowing that I’m trying to do what he would want. Not always easy, but it gets me through.

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  32. Alec Heesacker  April 14, 2022 at 6:10 pm Reply

    This had happened just a few years later, after I was being born.

    Mom was going to have another young child, but when my parents were going to have their next child, my Mom had to be rushed in for surgery.

    The doctors had diagnosed that the tiny fetus had got lodged itself into the tube and had burst the right fallopian tube.

    If, within any case, the fetus could have been Feminine, and if she could have been born, I would have been happy to have accepted a new sister within the family.

    She would have kept me warm during the cold nights, and maybe my mental problems would have not existed from my Kinder years to High School years.

    But sadly, as the result of human error,
    the child that was supposed to be born, had died.

    Now, I am all alone without any siblings.

    Everyone else had took off,
    marrying my three sisters.

    Furthermore, I am feeling bereaved and I am deprived of losing my prenatal sister within death.

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  33. Denis So  March 26, 2022 at 5:55 am Reply

    Well, I’ve died, but GOD, sent moi back to…..
    &my brother seems to be, taking it hard, because the old moi, was a good fool, but I’ve come back as a different person, was in a coma, for 3 months.

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  34. Lesley  March 17, 2022 at 5:07 pm Reply

    I have lost 4 siblings since 1st Jan 2017 the last being just 2 years ago. I was closer to my sister who passed away 2019 was like my second mum as lived with her off and on,my brother passed 2years ago in February just gone. I keep thinking about these two and miss them so much that I look forward to my passing to be with then again.

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    • js  April 2, 2022 at 3:51 am Reply

      My sister died when she was 16 and that time I were 11, now im 25. The death tore my family apart and I was left alone behind my parents grief. Till this day I miss my sister more than anything.

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  35. Cody Wollam  March 15, 2022 at 8:47 pm Reply

    I lost my sister Jessica March 4th 2018. Since that day seems like everyday goes by a little faster. Can’t believe it’s been over 4 years. She would have been 37 this year. She left behind 3 beautiful daughters and one hell of a intelligent son. I never really talk to anyone about this. I’m a truck driver so most nights I just talk to the moon about it. Like it listens lol. I’m not crazy I swear. Maybe it’s part of the grieving process. Wanting to talk to someone but not wanting anyone to know you’d like to talk to someone lol. I guess trying to stay strong and positive for your people and loved ones around you sometimes gets draining. Since my sister passed away I notice some changes about myself mentally. I’m sure losing a sibling does that. It seems like I don’t have anymore fear in this life. Like things that used to scare me rather it’s things like objects or people. Or even the thought of dying doesn’t scare me. It seems I have just lost it. Ever since she’s died I’ve pushed myself to be the best father to my daughters and a hard worker. I’ve never made as much money nor worked as hard as I do now before her passing. I’m basically staying as busy as possible so I don’t have to think about it. But also trying to do everything I can possibly do in this life while I have air in my lungs. I lost the process. I have a whole new mindset on everything. I wish she could see me now. I know she would be proud of the man I became. I’m thankful to have a guardian angel like her. Not to many do. I love you sis. And everyone that has to go through this that’s reading this. You are a strong mf. Keep pushing forward and make your last name a legacy. Believe. Do everything you can possibly do in this life so you have something to talk with them about when it’s your time.

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    • Shakirah Clark  March 22, 2022 at 2:16 pm Reply

      Cody, you can always email me or call me if you need a friend to talk to, Im here for you!! Please , Id like to
      be your friend !! [number redacted per site guidelines] My name is Shakirah!! I lost a brother at 66 on 11-13-2019, and my son who was 22 on 8-24-2012!!! I grieve and never
      have anyone to talk to either!! I cry a lot, a have a lot bottled up!! Nobody cares and nobody helps!! Im 60!!
      Im here to be your friend and maybe we can help each other!! Shakirah

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      • Dani T  April 22, 2022 at 2:56 am

        Hi Shakira my name is Dani. I can relate to how you feel .I suddenly lost my son who was 24 in Sep 13 2018. I am sure that I should speak to a therapist and I probably will. I tried talking with my daughter (she is now 24) and I get shut down because she is grieving too. I like to think that by taking about him , its all I can do to keep a piece of him alive

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    • Judy  April 21, 2022 at 2:05 pm Reply

      I feel the same as you Cody, as I lost my brother in March of this year and I am so lost and sad that I’m even having a hard time comprehending it all. I also feel as though as I have no fear any more in life. I’ve been crying each day just thinking about it. The loss is so big and scary, my brother was my world. To not have him with me in this world is almost unbearable. I pary each day makes me a little stronger. I loved what you wrote and if we believe I think she sees how good you are doing and they both are proud looking down at us. God Bless you and your family

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    • Francesco  May 22, 2022 at 6:24 pm Reply

      Cody, your message is beautiful.
      I lost my sister over a month ago. I am lost. My heart is heavy. I’ve never experienced anything like it.
      I am impressed by how you are handily your loss.
      I’d be happy to share more with you, if you’d like to.

      (email redacted per site guidelines – email site admin for information)

      Thank you.

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      • Lisa  December 4, 2022 at 3:05 am

        This is the first time ive done this type of thing but it would be nice to be able to be heard and understood how losing a love one or loved ones feels! I lost my youngest daughter unexpectedly sept 4th 2020 and lost my younger sister and my best friend october 26th 2021! Unexpectedly! I still cant get a grip on their deaths! I got laid off at my job of 14 years, i think the reason, because, i cryed every single day there, i guess that all the new people hired there by the new boss couldnt understand that i went back to work at a place that also where my daughter and sister worked! I was constantly triggered! I was told several times that i cryed to much and i needed to move on that they were in a better place! Am i the only person that doesnt want to hear that crap?

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  36. Nadine  March 13, 2022 at 8:41 am Reply

    My big bro went to bed 4 years ago and never woke up. He was my only sibling, my partner in crime, best friend and protector. I miss him every day. I can’t shift the image of him I lying there. He was the only person I really spoke to about our dad. Our dad died suddenly 28 years ago. I cry for them both. My relationship with my mum is broken. I feel so alone. I did everything with him. Everyone talks about my mum losing a son, and I wouldn’t wish any parent to loose a child. But I’m grieving too. My youngest son will never know him and that pains me so much. My eldest son misses him terribly and now his mental health is so bad. I worry about him every day. I sometimes wonder if my brother is with me in spirit or did he leave us. I just want him to come home. My emotions are all over the place. I have good days and broken days. I’m terrified of losing my mum… she’s extremely unwell and I know she wants to be with my brother. She tries to put on a smile but her eyes look sad. I threw myself in to work caring for other people… I couldn’t keep my dad or brother safe.. maybe I can keep others safe. Going through the rest of my life without my brother pains me…we grew up together, we were meant to look after each other forever 😢💔

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  37. Gina  March 5, 2022 at 1:59 am Reply

    My friend’s brother died today (I know the mom too, so her son died). He was in his 20s. For those of you who’ve also lost a sibling or child, how can I be a good friend right now?

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    • Shakirah Clark  March 22, 2022 at 2:29 pm Reply

      Gina, Be a good listener!! Be a good shoulder to vry on!! I lost my son o. 8-×4-2012, and my brother on 11-
      13-2019 , two days before my sons birthday, he was born o. 11-15-1989, he died at 22, my only son, Corey. My brother Roger never made it to his retirement, be was 66!! I miss them both!! My parents died in 1990, and 1991!! My mother couldnt lived without my father,
      and died 9 months later in 1991!! I had nothing but death around me!! Iost my family from 1989, to 2003!!!
      You have be there for someone when they really need you. I dont have anyone, so, I sit and cry by myself everyday, not even my husband helps!! Nobody cares!! Nobody ever has helped either!!
      I hope youre a good person to want to help!!
      God will be good to you, for being the understanding
      one!! God bless you!! Keep in touch!!

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      • Dani T  April 22, 2022 at 3:14 am

        I would like to be a support for you Shakira . I am not sure how we can connect, this website will not allow me to give you any info. Do you use Facebook?
        Go to (Alpha and Omega Hair Co.com) click contact us and call or email. That’s my website.

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      • Jin  May 10, 2022 at 8:30 pm

        Dani T, you can spell out your phone number, use letters. One. Two zero nine. Etc

      • Litsa  June 8, 2022 at 4:30 pm

        Hi Jin, we do not allow contact exchange publicly on this site. Should someone want to contact someone else, they can contact the site admin by emailing whatsyourgrief@gmail.com and sharing who they would like their info shared with. We will then email that information to the other person, leaving it to them to decide if they would like to reach out.

      • Rachel W  September 17, 2022 at 4:38 am

        I lost my sister on August 27th 2022. I am struggling with resuming life. Everything hurts and I feel so fragile. I hear and feel your pain. Please reach out, I would love to talk ❤️‍🩹

    • Jeffrey Kramer  April 6, 2022 at 8:35 pm Reply

      I would just gently and consistently let that person know you are here. I lost my brother at the age of 31 three weeks ago, and its hard to ask for help. I have never felt so alone, and the person who has texted me everyday has meant the world to me.

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      • Alison  May 28, 2022 at 3:49 am

        Jeffrey I completely agree with your advice about gently reminding the person you’re there for support. My brother died 4months ago at 45 and it has been an awful journey of self-discovery and forced exploration off family relationships for me, and the few people who have sent those quiet regular ‘how are you’ messages have meant more than I could ever have known.

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    • Dani T  April 22, 2022 at 3:03 am Reply

      Hi Gina,
      When I suddenly lost my son ( Sept 13 2018 )he was just 24 and getting ready to have a second baby. I had to discover group grief Counseling alone. It’s usually free at most check churches in the neighborhood offered to go with them there and it’ll help you understand ,a bit about what they might be going through as well as be supportive to the person who lost their love one. Offer to make the appointment or Find it in advance and then offer it to them.

    • Lyn  April 22, 2022 at 12:30 pm Reply

      Hi Gina, My name is LYN l have lost family members and what you need at times like these is a friend and a shoulder to cry on and most importantly someone who will just listen to you one thing that l found people would say that really up set me was it’s time you moved on and got over it. There are what l call safe people to talk to just be there and be a good listener and friend she will never get over the loss but eventually learn to live with it but it does take time good luck and l hope l have been some help to you 🥰

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  38. Lou  January 29, 2022 at 2:48 pm Reply

    My brother died when he was 3 years old and I was 6. I am now 43 & not able to talk about him without bursting into tears. I guess I never properly grieved and I didn’t talk to my parents because I didn’t want to upset them. Now I am a Mum to a son who has just turned 4 and all these feelings have surfaced. My husband suggested talking to someone about it but wasn’t sure who as it’s grief from such a long time ago.

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    • Jin  May 10, 2022 at 8:38 pm Reply

      I agree with your husband. It doesn’t matter how long ago it was, you are still grieving and not coming to terms with it per say. I think you will really feel better to talk to someone who knows how to deal with the pain you feel.
      Your not alone… I’m sorry for your loss.

  39. Anthony  January 23, 2022 at 12:19 am Reply

    I lost my younger sister 2 years ago…a month before her 35th birthday. She was my absolute best friend in the world and basically the only person that i would talk to about everything in my life. i was never a very sociable person and i aways just kept to myself, but my sister would always get me to open up and talk to people. when ever id lose my temper over something all it would take is a few words from her and I’d instantly calm down. I feel like there is something wrong with me because it has already been 2 years and nothing i have tried has helped me move on from this pain. I wake up everyday feeling the same. not one day has gone by where I’ve felt any better. I just don’t understand why i cannot move on and be normal like everyone else.

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    • Litsa  January 23, 2022 at 8:43 pm Reply

      I am so sorry for what you’re going through and the depth of this loss. Please know that it is a myth that people “move on” after a loss. People do get stronger, learn ways to cope with the pain, it becomes more tolerable to manage, but those we’ve lost and that grief stays with us in some way forever. Have you seen a grief counselor or considered a sibling loss group (either in person or online?). Grief can be so hard, especially when the person you’ve lost was one of your main support people! That doesn’t mean something is wrong with you. But it might mean some added support could help.

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    • Kristin  February 14, 2022 at 2:48 pm Reply

      Anthony, my heart hurts for you. I understand exactly how you feel. It has only been 3 weeks since I lost my younger brother suddenly, at age 39. We had a very rough childhood, and as a result were extremely close. He was my best friend, and the only other person in the world who understood my pain. I feel like I’m missing half my heart, and it feels like this ache inside is never going to go away. I literally haven’t left my house, I haven’t spoken to anyone, and if I’m being honest I don’t think I’m able to even accept yet that he’s gone. And it sure doesn’t feel like this will ever get easier with time.
      I hope you’re doing better in your grief ❤️

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      • FUNDA  March 12, 2022 at 2:54 pm

        Same thing happened to me. Can I talk to you

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      • Mary  June 22, 2022 at 2:20 pm

        My heart goes out to you. Things will get better day by day. I lost my brother 10 months ago. During the first couple of weeks I was walking around in a daze. Things slowly got better. I miss him very much and still cry my eyes out. We feel this way because we love them. Hang in there and find strength in God. He alone will get us through. Bless you.

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    • Gillian  February 14, 2022 at 3:11 pm Reply

      I totally get it. I lost my brother 2 years ago in March and the pain seems to be getting worse rather than better. Iv spoken to several ppl who have been through a loss and are now years down the line and apparently it does get easier. Thoughts and prayers are with u

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  40. Christi Tonn Norquist  January 9, 2022 at 4:28 pm Reply

    My brother, ten years my junior, was taken by COVID on January 21, 2021. His birthday day was yesterday, January 8, 2022. I miss him so much. We had our separate lives but I was 10 when he was born and he was my baby. What hurts is I wasn’t able to be with him, care for him and hold his hand. There is no closure because he was in Arizona, I am in Alaska and his ashes went to his son in California. We simply were unfinished and I am totally undone…

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    • Litsa  January 23, 2022 at 11:28 pm Reply

      I am so incredibly sorry Christi. Sometimes when you feel you were separated from family and ritual, creating your own private ritual can be really meaningful – even if it is something so small, like eating his favorite food or listening to his favorite music, to feel close with him like you might if you had his ashes or had been nearby at the time of his death. It is something that many do when they don’t feel they had the usual connections at the time of someone’s death. Sending many good thoughts.

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    • Hayley  February 5, 2022 at 8:09 am Reply

      I lost big my sister, Hillary, to cancer on Wednesday of this week. She was 31 years old, and had been struggling with the cancer for about 16-months. I am just so inconsolable and in pain. My sister was a strong and fun loving personality and she took her role as big sister incredibly seriously. She mentored, guided and loved on me like no tomorrow. Even into adulthood it was common for me to call Hillary for hours a day. Every decision I made was filtered through her first, her opinion was the highest for me. I’m left so raw and open and I feel completely lost and like I’ll never be able to live the same again. I was always bubbly and carefree–I’m scared I’ll never be that way again, because how could I?

      This loss is so horrible. How do you move forward? In my case, my parents are wrecks and her new husband who is only 29 years old is suffering immensely. I can’t help but feel that my grief is lesser but in my heart I know my sister and I had such an intense bond. It feels like I continually have to explain that to people to feel my feelings are valid. I’m not sure if that’s something they have put on me or that I have put on myself.

      I love her. I miss her terribly already.

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  41. Letty  December 13, 2021 at 10:52 pm Reply

    My younger brother passed September 22nd 2021 10 days after celebrating his 30th birthday.
    I miss him so much!! Him and I grew up together always together we were really close I called him brother and he called me sissy. My heart hurts so much just thinking I won’t get to hear his voice or laughter ever again. He was the best brother ever always stood up for me with him I felt protected even against my parents and other siblings he always stood up for me. I have so much hate towards covid it took the best brother I could have ever asked for. I dream a lot about him and that literally the only way I’m close to him it’s always something nice. I’ll never stop missing my brother he was more than a brother he was a best friend

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    • Diane  January 16, 2022 at 11:11 am Reply

      Hi my grandson lost is brother in November he was adopted he was going to be 19 in December his parents didn’t tell us till New Year’s Day he as also had his sevice without his proper family we feel numb we carnt process it my grandson just doesn’t understand why didn’t they tell us

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  42. Kirstie  December 11, 2021 at 10:57 am Reply

    I lost my big brother on 29th October this year. He was 46 years old. Around 10 years ago he suffered burst portal veins in his stomach which should have killed him. He was young and strong and fought through hours of surgery to make a slow recovery. During this recovery period of a few years it was discovered he had a form of blood cancer. He received treatment and carried on fighting until around a year and a half ago when things took a turn for the worse. He was told he needed a bone marrow transplant. I am his only sibling so we kept everything crossed and fate smiled on us, I was not just a match, I was a 100% match on all markers. Last November I donated, he received and once again astounded everyone with the speed of his acceptance of my cells and his recovery. Unfortunately, around September time this year his symptoms began to return and they returned fast! By the end of September he was told he had developed Acute Myeloid Leukaemia- a rare side effect of the chemo he had previously received. As he had already had a bone marrow transplant the outlook was bleak. Still he decided to fight, he went in for chemo, my cells were still fighting and the graft host rashes came back and then he developed sepsis. Within a week he was gone. To say I feel helpless that despite all of that fight we still lost is an understatement. I take comfort in the fact that due to his illnesses we had a relationship of open and unconditional love that I will never doubt but every part of this article resonates with me and at this early stage of grief I currently feel consumed by the reality that he is gone and won’t be a part of our futures. Life just isn’t fair.

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    • Elisa U  March 18, 2022 at 1:04 pm Reply

      I’m so sorry Kristie. I too lost my sister on Oct. 29, 2021 to cancer…Its unbearable to accept things. People say as time goes by the pain gets easier. For me its been the opposite. As days go by I miss her more and wonder how life can be this unfair. She has just turned 44 and she was like my mom. We were very close and everyday I have to remind myself she’s no longer here. Our only positive outcome is that our siblings are no longer in pain. And our pain of not having them with us doesn’t compare. But it hurts like hell to breath sometimes….

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      • Holly collins  July 24, 2022 at 12:06 pm

        In my family it was just me and my 2 year younger brother . The accident happen when my brother was 17 and I was 19. I was at a club with friends and I was all of a sudden bummed rushed with people who knew my brother and my self, reporting to me ,that my brother was in an accident and it didn’t look good. My friends and I hurry to the Seen of the accident, which wasn’t far from where I was, we have a tunnel in our town, and this is where I reach his totalled truck. My friends and I get out the vehicle and immediately run down to accident but all I see is a ambulance with his passenger and a empty truck. I keep asking the officer ,where is my brother and after so many times of me asking, he blurts out, he has deceased and already gone. I screamed so loud and so long, I must have blacked out. My brother’s friend was in the ambulance and had to see a therapist due to nightmares of me screaming. Driving to the hospital, where our mother was a e.r. nurse was on her shift and took the call. My heart was ripped out my chest, arriving I have a overwhelming, foggy, blur of a memory, my dad crying and the hurt of losing a child must be.
        Today I am 48 and I’m still dealing with issues of depression and a fear of death.
        I can relate to the grievance of my parents but agree there was no one for me.
        The only sibling left, I couldn’t talk to my parents, there were grieving. I felt even more left out and didn’t want to be around them because I felt guilty for being alive. The confusion and the not know where to go from there was never discussed. No one spoke and our home became dark and lonely.
        The first problem I can quickly aware of is myself not being able to return to my brother’s tomb, still till this day.
        This happen in my high-school years in 1992. I am married for 22 years with 2 daughters and I definitely have been extremely hard around there approaching the 17 year old, just driving a car years.
        My fears as I get older are getting more unmanageable and or causing my husband to be baffled. I take Lexapro as of 3 years now, but it doesn’t help me put things in perspective. Also my husband had also lost a sibling as well but he was 8 and his sister was 20. I believe dealing with grief as a teenager the struggle is harder and more difficult than at a younger age in many ways. The fact that my girls have never meet their aunt and uncle and vice Vesa. I will never be an aunt, my brother didn’t see me get married, birth children and now our parents or in their 70’s, dealing with death is coming fast and I’m struggling with my parents approaching death. I will have no family left but my husband and girls, my husband parents or older than mine and or headed to death as well..
        Both sides of my family all gone..
        Rough , not to mention menapause all at same time.
        It’s definitely hard to explain to someone how your feelings and how someone can help. It’s making me insane all the thoughts in my head.
        I’m struggling with the saying ” God always has a reason for taking someone, their Is a lesson or message behind it” or something to that nature, I don’t understand what this means.
        The longer time goes by , the more people forget but I can never forget!
        PEOPLE say they feel there person near them or they send some kind of message, I have not felt,seen or anything like people talk about. Is it just the hoping and wishing, people’s missing of a person may think they have, just for there on sanity? I think of myself all alone in that dark box, I can’t see or breath, my anxiety is building stronger and stronger, I can hear people crying and walking away, but I’m still there and No one can hear me. The nightmares are worsening for me.
        Wow, “BREATH” I haven’t said those words to anybody EVER!!
        THE struggle is real and Neverending and it sucks
        Thank you for just letting me rant
        To my brother ( kirk) I miss you so much and I need you more than anything right now, 😫😥

      • Kathy  April 8, 2023 at 7:16 am

        Lisa, I am so sorry. I’m reading your comment crying for my sister. I can imagine how deeply you miss her and how her suffering has impacted you. My sister developed brain Mets too from uterine leiomyosarcoma. Even though we all knew it was terminal somehow I didn’t think she’d die. I kiss her like crazy. It’s one year and 8 months but it is difficult. She and I were alike but she too was private like your Ann, and did not want me with her at the end. I am thinking of you and hold you in my heart. the shock and deep sadness is something I live with daily. I still cannot believe she is gone. Light and peace to you. Kathy

  43. stef  November 30, 2021 at 2:47 pm Reply

    Hi everyone. I lost my sister 7 months ago. She was 20. She was an addict, and had just gotten out of rehab. She and I were best friends. I’m not exaggerating, the most important (besides my kids) person in my life. I did everything for her and was there for her always, no matter what stage of addiction she was in. She was the most amazing, pure soul there. I am hurting. This whole post made me cry because I don’t feel like my parents understand. They are grieving and I get it, but I am also hurting with little support from them. Then my sister in law passed away 2 months ago from the same way (fentanyl overdose). This year has taken so much from me

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    • Stephanie rivera  December 20, 2021 at 4:39 pm Reply

      Hi stef
      I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am about your sister passing away and I want you to know that your not alone . Your post made me realize I’m not alone. My brother passed away a few days ago and he was too an addict fresh out of rehab and I’m broken I honestly fear not being able to over come this feeling my heart hurts and I don’t know how to cope with him being gone I just wanted to reach out and tell you thank you for sharing your post I will finish writing you after I finish grocery shopping for my parents because I’m literally sitting in my car balling in tears as I write you this reply but I couldn’t help it just know I’m hear for you and I would like for us to maybe share some coping strategies. Well till next time stay safe n keep your head up you got this girl 😉 -<3steph

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    • Cody Wollam  March 15, 2022 at 9:14 pm Reply

      I’m sorry Stef. Takes a strong person to deal with all that pain your going through everyday. My sister died 4 years ago from Fentanyl. Same day she got out of jail.

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      • Stefi  April 1, 2022 at 4:00 pm

        Hi Cody. Thank you so much, and I’m so sorry to hear for your loss.
        There is no pain like losing a sibling. It’ll be a year in exactly 3 weeks for me now. Life is hard, but the grief is getting more manageable as time goes on. I miss the hell out of her every single day.

  44. Audree A Kropen  November 28, 2021 at 4:07 pm Reply

    (URL redacted)

    SibsForever is a non-profit focusing on sibling relationships cut short due to the death of a sibling. The cornerstone of the non-profit is a web application where sibling relationships can be documented, shared, and honored to help with understanding and managing sadness stemming from sibling loss.

    So much is lost and forgotten as time passes: SibsForever is the platform for sibs to tell their hidden stories and capture precious moments.

    I’ve spent the last year writing this web application. It’s new but is out there for anyone to use. I’m committed to keeping it going, supporting and enhancing it. I lost my sister as a teenager and wrote this in honor of our relationship and for my granddaughter who recently lost her twin brother.

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  45. Gabe  November 22, 2021 at 9:03 pm Reply

    ok I’m 43 and lost my only sister a year ago she was 41, it happened all to quickly she had a brain bleed, and then on life support and then the unthinkable. Ive been having such a hard time dealing with, I feel I have to put up a strong front and inside I’m dying and want to scream out I miss her so much. I feel maybe sharing this will help but honestly I feel she should have been the one to be around not me, she never had any kids but all kids loved her friends kids, cousins kids, she was the “aunt” that all the kids would love to see she played games with them she gave surprise gifts and she never forgot a birthday she was an amazing women

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  46. Shelley  November 6, 2021 at 9:52 pm Reply

    I lost my sister/my best friend 25 years ago. I still can’t get over it. I believe that her husband had a hand in it. He was very abusing. I hate him. Since then I have went thru cancer fibromyalgia neuropathy lupus thrombosis and 2 strokes. Still trying to figure out why the heck am I here ?? Ready to end it.

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    • Litsa  November 9, 2021 at 7:12 pm Reply

      Shelley . . . please know that many people struggle to make sense of why they are here without someone who meant everything to them (a sibling or otherwise). But there is always help and support and often these thoughts are the deepest and worst parts of grief and depression lying to us and making us feel that there is no hope. Please call the suicide helpline if you are thinking of hurting yourself – 1-800-273-8255.

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    • Angie  December 2, 2021 at 10:20 am Reply

      I lost my brother to suicide. I understand things r extremly rough .. ive been without him now since April 18 th ,2018 But please Shelly if u hhave anyone in this world that loves u that u care about at all dont ever leave then that way . A part of then dies with u and they wilk never be the same . It will change them inside and not for better and its almost impossible to get any of ur true self back . I cant explaine it but it just even feels different then grieving any other way ive lost alot of people in my life. But please things can always be worse i was just tok off a vent that i was on for 11 days none knows why we go threw what all we.do only the Lord, but i will tell u fot my own expiriences it absolutely can get worse always and suicide is never the answer and since i lost my brother it wilk bever ever ever b even an option ever again i have family that love me .. if u have children ? Ya know how people r always talking about how they love their kids so much that they woukd die for them . Well if u would die for them and ur suicidal thinking of giving up. Then choose to live for them. They need u even if u think they dont trust me they do and if u could see by loosing my brother this way has done to my family especially my mother, well u would never want to put that on anyone that u even care for at all. so please talk to me before y ever even concider that .. ok . God loves u and so do i.. choose to live for them even if not for urself , it can always b worse ..

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  47. Bree  September 27, 2021 at 5:13 pm Reply

    Hello!
    I am apart of a non profit called Siblings of Murdered Siblings. we started as a small group on Facebook which has grown. It’s a special group of people supporting each other in a journey not everyone understand.

    Please let me know if we can be a help to you or anyone else!

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    • Earlana  October 30, 2021 at 4:22 am Reply

      When I was 7 years old my sister died in my lap from a gun shot. She was 6. She was my best friend. It’s been 31 years and I still miss her everyday. Life is hard without her.

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    • Eva  February 19, 2022 at 8:53 am Reply

      Hi my son was murdered March 18 2021 he was my only son he was 29 and he got murdered by friends and other people that had been plotting it for awhile they robbed him and shot him and beat him at his home that I live in now and it’s very hard cuz I only had my son and daughter and I lost my son that day and also lost my daughter and grandchildren but not in death but she stopped talking to me for the things that belonged to my son and took up for a ex of my son’s that took his stuff from his trailer but it’s okay cuz only god knows what he does for every thing god does is for something he has for them that left and for us it hurts like nothing else could hurt u in this world and it changed my life so bad since his been gone I’m just starting to start laughing and get out of isolation if it wouldn’t be for father god and all my passed loved ones of the light that have helped me get out of these situations letting me know that they have never left me but are here energetic with me loving me and helping me get out of this isolation I’ve been going threw and so much they have done to me family members and friends but it’s okay cuz I have no time to be doing or throwing things to them I’m to myself not in depression or anger or hate for I forgive each one of them and forgive myself and move forward cuz believe it or not justice is fixing to be served to each and everyone of them that had anything to do with my son’s murder and them that having doing anything against me in any kind of way plotting lying trying to hurt me I just send each and every one love and light for only god knows what I’m talking about and my passed loved ones and angelic realm ancestral guides spiritual guides all of the light and guardian angels and archangels know I’m not crazy or delusional like they want people to think cuz I know who I am and what I’m here to do and they just didn’t know that I am the one here to serve justice to the ones that can’t defend them self and need to know God and save there souls to know there’s a bigger better way and that father god and love and light and happiness is the key to a fortunate life not the money fame or power cuz there’s no power in those things but only in the father god and his love and light that we have like father god so I just want to say to all that have lost a sibling or friend or pet that there’s still life and healing with father god it’s hard it’s not easy but we have to release them to father god and light them a white candle to get to the light and cross over to the other side for as we be going threw the grief but one thing we aren’t realizing is that we’re holding on to them and they can’t leave and cross over to the other side and it’s not right for as we have to go threw many stages in our life so do they and they know that they left u in so much hurt and pain and they don’t want to see us grieving and hurting or less be angry or have hate for them that hurt them but to forgive them and forgive ourselves and be happy for they are happy not having to deal with this cruel world due to all the evil money and fame power has done to people and made them lose there souls to the devil but only know that this would be a beautiful world full of love and light if only everyone would come together in love and light and god would heal the land but nobody wants to turn from there wicked ways and repent in heart and soul spirit and be a light and love to one another and all this killing covid and sickness and bad diseas would stop and the world would be a different world thevway it was suppose to be in the beginning for earth is just a school to learn lessons and be right and do God’s purpose not ours but also of us don’t understand that when u die u just don’t go and rest and think it’s over no we all come back that’s what recarnation comes in and we come back as karmic or earth angels to make a difference to the world help humanity and others that have been threw what I’ve been threw or what other earth angels have been threw to change the world from fake politions lying government so much things of all are Indian tribes how they say they burnt paper work when it’s all in a computer of the really Indian tribes and how there children have the right to them and they know what I’m talking about and yes I’m saying it cuz it’s time for it to all be known how false and corrupted this world really is and how the did all the tribes and stole there land for wine and a little of nothing but it all will be revealed. father god I thank u for letting put this out cuz I know it wasn’t me but u father god to get everyone’s attention find the father god and his beautiful life of blessings power and fame his the only father god that’s all that yes u are father god amen to u father god

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  48. Hang  September 27, 2021 at 4:07 pm Reply

    Everything written in this post is accurate. All the emotions I went through as the survivor sibling…

    I lost my only brother on September 21st this year. It was so sudden and devastating. He’s only 28 years old, married with 2 kids, the smaller one is only 6 months old.

    My brother was the rock of our family. He’s loved by everyone, he’s so kind, wise, calm, and generous.

    I cried so much thinking that he would never see his kids growing up, or he would never attend my wedding.

    My parents are suffering so much as well. It breaks my heart to see them in pain…

    Grief is exhausting.

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  49. Gloria  September 14, 2021 at 1:02 am Reply

    My name is Gloria my sister was Helen her and I share 2 other sisters dawn the oldest and lisa the youngest. Helen and I were the only 2 full blooded sisters and were a year apart so you know we were close. Helen had 4 children her oldest 16 youngest 9 Helen was a recovering meth user. I have never done drugs or drank she did both. Helen worked 2 jobs and spoiled her kids. She told me she felt guilty About her past and how she would get high and not spend time with her kids so she was trying to make up for everything. Helen moved from Southern California to east Texas with our mom to try and better herself and her kids life. Helen had the most contagious smile and always joked around she absolutely loved Freddy Krueger and David Bowie she substituted meth with vodka and her oldest daughter would rub in her face every day what a worthless mother she was and would hit her mom one day I guess it really got to her because she was found unresponsive in her bathroom on December 5th 2020 her death certificate says death by hanging she never even told me she was suicidal and I regret not seeing it I have her ashes and precious items in my room now my sister left no note behind and was in the middle of cooking when she did this. Her boyfriend is the one who found her and i sometimes wonder if maybe he hurt her and made it look like a subside. I miss her so much and don’t know how I’ll live the rest of my life without her she was only 36

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    • Mehdi  October 9, 2021 at 5:08 pm Reply

      Hi Gloria, I’m so sorry for your loss. The grief is unbearable. I understand you completely. I lost my brother to hanging too. And like your sister, my brother was found by my father probably a few seconds after he hanged himself, but my father didn’t do anything to save him. He was not a loving father for him. That’s so sad.

  50. Harisha  September 10, 2021 at 4:36 am Reply

    I lost my Younger Brother Aneesh Aka Madhu to a electric accident on 7th July 2021 and it was such tragic that it happened on that Wednesday evening and we got to know only the next day afternoon. We grew up like twins since our childhood we are just 1.6 years apart but we were thick in everything we did from childhood and then when I was 12 I went to boarding he grew-up with parents but he was very loving and always addressed me as “ETA” means “Big Brother” in our language Malayalam. Never addressed me with my name that’s the kind of respect he had towards me! Always honest and straight forward. He spoke his heart out what he felt. Loved and connected to everyone in the family and out so well. Very kind from heart and we both had our own set of journeys but we did connect well.

    But then comes a storm always in anyone’s life we had few misunderstandings due to my personal issues what I had and he wasn’t quite happy but again after a course of time we got back like how we were but there were obstacles. But I loved and missed him the most always as my younger one and even he did. He always said this to me when he was far away from me in UAE and i in India “Brother for me it’s you and for you it’s me” so we will there always for each other!

    He came back to India but still I couldn’t spend much quality time with him due to me working away from home and he doing his own things and farming etc. But I did try and make sure he is happy and doing well but don’t know where what went wrong I lost him to a tragic electric accident and I just can’t forget his talks, the jokes he made, they way he smiled and spoke, the way he walked around and did things. He was a top cook and did everything at home without letting me do anything when we lived together in my Bachelor days. I so miss him. I feel there is a hole in my heart and I miss him so much so badly that no one can console me ever. I always have this question God why such a big punishment to us? What did we do wrong? Where did we go wrong when we always wished good for others and prayed?

    I can’t stop crying thinking about him this is so painful! My Mom loved him the most I really don’t know how she is holding up if I am not able to. Even my Dad 😔😔😔!

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  51. Deanna  September 9, 2021 at 10:12 pm Reply

    I lost my little brother and only sibling June 3, 2021 from an acute pancreatitis. The doctors expected a full recovery that is what is so hard. He was 48 with 3 teenagers. He passed 11 days before his 49. Our father who was 81 was diagnosed with cancer last summer. I lost him July 15, 2021. My mom passed 33 years ago at age 42. It wasn’t supposed to end this way. My heart is torn in two and I feel so alone. I have my husband, kids and grandkids..I wouldn’t know how to go on without them..and I love them dearly..but I just feel shattered. I just can’t wrap my head around it.

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  52. Mehdi  September 7, 2021 at 8:56 am Reply

    I lost my beloved little brother on April 5, when he was only 24. He hung himself. The sad part is he told me about going, and once going to afterlife. I didn’t take him seriously. He was the person I loved the most in this world. His death seems so ridiculous to me, as he was supposed to grow and have a family, rather than rest in that cold grave. I could probably have prevented his death easily. I neglected my brother because of my damn work.
    I curse myself all the time because of forgetting about my brother for 5 years. I must have paid more attention to him and taken his depression more seriously.
    He surely gave up on me as a supportive brother.
    I curse myself for not expressing my love to him when he was alive, while I used to put fake masks in front of a lot of people, being nice to a lot of people, while forgetting the one that really mattered to me.
    I’m angry at my parents too for firing childish arguments all the time.
    And, I’m angry at myself for leaving the family and living in another city.
    I’m angry at myself for being too cold and stupid with my brother.
    I sometimes dream if him like he has returned from death, feeling very happy in the dream and kissing my brother. Then, I wake up and see real life is the real nightmare.
    This world is so void without my brother.

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    • Logan  December 8, 2021 at 11:13 am Reply

      My brother was only 16, he left me because of road accident, i was waiting for him to come home, he was wearing my belt, tie, shocks, shoes, bag and jacket and watch too, i love my brother so much, i can’t even see him now, please someone tell me why god doesn’t exist, and what is the point to live without the loved ones. My brother used to watch anime, sketch anime characters, he loved to watch call of duty streams, he even didn’t had better phone to play the game. Sometimes i gave him my phone to play low storages games, my only dream was to earn and buy him a good ipad, so he could play the game, i wanted to make him youtuber, but this is what i got, i didn’t even hugged him once, i wanted to hug him so badly, i can’t even text to god, being in west asia and being born in poor country like Nepal makes me feel so bad, why my only brother had to be in this accident, i can’t even text to god

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  53. Sara  September 5, 2021 at 10:37 pm Reply

    Hello my name is Sara I lost my only sibling two months ago , she was healthy and in a blink of an eye everything changed , she was diagnosed with lung cancer she was only 27 years old after 2 days of her diagnosed she passed away.. I feel lonely and numb in the same time she was my family, I lived in a divorce household she was the one who raised me and now knowing she’s gone yet so young made me have anger issues and i feel it’s not normal , I’ve been isolated in her funeral I didn’t cry every one assumed that I was strong in fact I was in shock before her death in one day I had breakdown, and I cried after her funeral in one week but today I had the most difficult breakdown I’ve ever had in my life, it’s like I’m going out of my mind my therapist says that it’s okay to express your sadness but I always avoid my emotions and now I feel lonely because I can’t cry in front my family I only cry alone and now I have the feeling I want someone by my side , knowing I’m 23 and married my husband was by my side when I was in shock in the very first days of her death , but today when I breakdown I felt like he was annoyed he told me that I was over reacting , is it normal to have a breakdown after 2 months after your siblings passed? Bc I can’t move on that fast .
    Sorry for my English It’s not my first language.

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    • KC  September 19, 2021 at 12:11 am Reply

      I’m so sorry for your loss. I just lost my brother he was murdered August,17th 2021.
      I miss him more than life he was my best friend would kill for me. I just had to reply back to you please don’t let anyone make you feel bad for having a break down
      I was like you in shock and I’m still in shock I’m sure I will have crazy break downs in the future and let me tell you m from the south when I break down you will probably hear me where your at. Anyway I just wanted to tell you I’m praying for you. One day we will be with them and our Lord and Savior. They both have it great there in heaven with Jesus. May God wrap his arms around you snd comfort you. God Bless you my friend.

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    • Andrew Green  October 23, 2021 at 6:45 pm Reply

      Very sAd
      I.ost mysister not long ago
      The worst feeling ever

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  54. toyin adenekan  September 5, 2021 at 1:30 pm Reply

    I came into this world as the last child of my parents and the only girl. I had 3 older brothers, 4, 10 and 11 years older than me. I have great memories of them all. I am now 44 and lost my mother at the age of 3, one brother when I was 9, the next when I was 41 and the last one four months ago. It’s just me and my dad now. He’s 84. I can’t believe all my brothers are go. That’s what hits me the most. I have no sibling. How can I have come into this world with 3 wonderful brothers and they are no more? Just memories now. Whenever I think of it, I am in so much pain. I am happily married with twin boys who are my life and I do my best to keep up a good front but it hurts my heart so much. The last one who died was super active and I always thought he would live such a long life. He had no major commitments apart from his work which he loved and had only recently been promoted. I was so proud of him. I am so glad I got to tell him that. I have been in so much grief in the last year too. I almost lost one of my twin boys to a stroke, suffered a heart attack from the anguish, contracted Covid and was hospitalised gasping for breath. I survived going through all that and then …. the only brother I had left dies. I feel like this is a cruel joke. No one can possibly live like this. I feel like someone is pulling the strings to make my life so miserable. I know intellectually that I have so much in my life but my days are now filled with anxiety, restlessness, sleepness nights. I keep wondering when the next tragedy is going to happen to me because this feels like a joke gone wrong. Who could have written my destiny like this? I am usually the strong one amongst my friends and family and I somehow always find the positive in everything but this time I am completely lost. I have lost interest in life and nothing that I do, say, think, buy etc can mask the pain I feel. I do not deserve this. I deserve a better life. It is all too much.

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    • Litsa  September 14, 2021 at 9:56 am Reply

      I am so sorry for this incredible loss that you have been through. Have you considered a support group? Sometimes, especially when feeling the loss of so many family, it can be helpful to connect with others who are experiencing deep grief. Many local hospices and hospitals have these types of grief support groups. There is a wonderful, though overwhelming and deeply sad, book called Wave by Sonali Deraniyagala. SHe lost both of her parents, her husband, and her two children in a natural disaster. Her book is one that can be quite comforting to others who have lost many family. It is not a story of hope, so much of survival. If you like to read, it may be worth looking for.

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  55. Mia  August 23, 2021 at 8:00 pm Reply

    I lost my big sister a few weeks ago. She was only 30, and has an eight year old son, but in the past 6 months she was struggling very hard with her mental health. The worst part is that she often had a lot of good days, so we gave her the space she wanted but it hurts that in the last few months of her life I really didn’t see her more than once a week or so. We’re 6 years apart, so sometimes we weren’t all that close, but as I got older I’ve been so grateful to have her in my life. Holidays were at her house, and her and my mom were so so close. Now I am dealing with a lot of stress about being strong for my mom, but I’m grieving so much myself. I miss her so much, and it pains me so much to think about how she won’t be around for future vacations, or to be my maid of honor. It still doesn’t feel real sometimes. We had so much in common, so much of my humor, personality, music taste and interests are because of her. I’m just in so much pain and I can’t imagine life without my big sister.

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    • Megan  August 24, 2021 at 7:38 pm Reply

      Mia I am so sorry. I can tell you it will hurt everytime there is an event in your life that she should be there for. I can tell you the pain is relentless and brutal. But you will keep on and she will be proud of what you do from the other side. Find time to cry, Wail if you need to. I lost by best friend/brother 4 years ago. I could fill a river with the tears I have shed. I know the pain. But I promise you get better at living with the pain. Give yourself the grace of however long it takes you to be in whatever stage of grief you are in, and don’t stop living. Don’t let people pressure this process for you. Be kind to yourself during this time. Siblings don’t get the space they need often when they lose their brothers/sisters.

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  56. Jolie Blue  August 13, 2021 at 8:03 pm Reply

    My brother was 11 years older than me. I have nothing but good memories of him growing up. He was the cool guy. He had the good job with a nice car. He wore only banana republic and went out every weekend and partied. I looked up to him. He taught be about computers, he went to my volleyball games and he supported and listened to me like no other. My dad retired and we moved across the state line and my brother stayed behind. He bought his first home, he was engaged and so happy. He had a six figure job as a computer engineer. At the wedding they told us they were expecting a baby! Shortly after his son was born I found out I was going to be a mom at only the age of 19.. our boys became the best of friends. They talk every day.

    My brother and his family moved away.. 18 hours away and thats when my brother really faded away.

    My brother was a functioning alcoholic. We knew he was drinking but we didn’t know it was that bad. His wife filed for a divorce and we tried to get my brother into inpatient rehab but my parents don’t “believe” in that. So he went to out patient rehab in September 2019. He told us he stopped drinking. In January 2020 my mom sensed something was wrong and bought an airplane ticket. When she got to his house he was in really bad shape and my mom called an ambulance. He was in the ICU for a few days with sepsis. He left against medical advice but promised my mom he was done drinking. My mom came home. The last time anyone heard from him was February 13,2020. The police did a well check and they found him in his bed. He was not found until February 18th.

    I’ve handled his loss pretty well. I’ve kept strong for my mother who loses it at least once a day… but today for some reason I am hurting. I have so much to tell him and he’s not here. I miss him. He had it ALL. I just don’t understand how he was drinking this much and hiding it so well. He had a beautiful home, vacations a few times a year, nice cars and a great job His death certificate says he died from “complications from chronic alcoholism”. He was 43.

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  57. Bridgette Bennett  August 4, 2021 at 9:59 am Reply

    Hi my name is Bridget I am 51 years old and I’m in San Francisco California I lost my only sibling in 11-25-2020 his name was Brian he was 53 years old from the outside looking in he left healthy he worked every day and real hard he was a strong individual I love him so much and I looked up to him he is my protector my best friend he was mine Big brother we’re three years apart I’m 51 his birthday is March 1st and mine is March 2nd during covid-19 my family shut down I lost my mom in 2020 so her sister is the backbone of our family which it was just me and my brother I spoke to my brother November 23rd he was at the gym I called him to let him know that our auntie who we call Nana we’re going to have Thanksgiving over soon 11:26 2020 my immediate family was at my door and me the kind of person that I am a strong African American woman very family-oriented outgoing my whole family if not all including my auntie Nana was at my door Thanksgiving morning 2020 to tell me that my brother Brian has passed away I didn’t understand and I still don’t I put on this strong face and a beautiful smile for all my loved ones and my friends but deep down inside I am hurt and I mean really hurt I didn’t understand how I spoke to my brother Monday and he passed away November 25th and I was told November 26th I’m still trying to process it that is a hard pill to swallow Thanksgiving is coming up it’ll be a year unfortunately Brian had three blood clogs in his leg and had a massive heart attack everyday I wake up now knowing that I can’t speak to him I can’t hear his voice I can’t even look at his face so this pain that I’m carrying everyday I wake up pray and I ask God to give me a strength each day that I wake up and help me get through the day so far he has not let me down but I’m still hurting inside I shut down I shut myself out from my family my kids who are now all grown so I’m reaching out now to someone who can kind of understand what it feels like and what I’m going through maybe you can help me get through the grief that I know will never go away but how do I and where do I place this pain that I carrying in my heart I miss him so so much like I said Thanksgiving is coming up her birthday past I didn’t even celebrate my birthday I’m trying to figure out do I continue to go and celebrate Thanksgiving with my family or do I continue to work on myself and get through what I’m going through I don’t know and you know they say you never question God but I know that he’s with the angels because he wasn’t an angel of God once again I have a story to tell this is just bits and pieces of what I’m saying I believe and I know that I have to remain strong for myself and as well as my family because I have health problems as what unfortunately I do go to the doctor something that my brother never liked to do as I’m writing this now I’m crying and the tears that I cry on the tears that I cannot say goodbye it will never go away so what do I do for myself so I won’t get sick because I really miss Brian with my only sibling how was the only man that I know would never mentally physically emotionally and financially hurt me his little sister we call him b-dub and they call me red I really truly have a story to tell

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    • KC  September 19, 2021 at 2:49 am Reply

      Oh my Mrs.Bridgett how I wish I was right by you to give you a hug. I can honestly say I know what your going threw I lost my brother August 17th 2021 and when I tell you I’m dieing inside if it wasn’t for Jesus I don’t know what I would do. I didn’t just loose a brother that day I lost my best friend , son , brother you see ive always protected my brother he was like my child snd the day he was shot I couldn’t protect him. I just thought about what you said how he was the man you knew would never abuse you in anyway that was me and my brother oh my the pain is so bad I mean my whole body hurts I never knew mental pain could be so physical. I will be praying for you and may God bless you just remember one day we will walk the streets of gold with them but for know we just will hurt and ask God to help us. None of it makes sense I know we all have to die but I don’t understand it I pray for everyone on here for peace to be with y’all .

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  58. Cynthiamarie Andrade Lupian  August 4, 2021 at 2:41 am Reply

    Everyone grieves a little different for grieving the loss of a sibling hit different not everyone grieves the same way for some were robbed of there futures or some grieving because of an illness but at the end we all tend to fill the same pain same void of loosing a sibling and it’s only after death that one starts to understand the others pain so with that being said i feel the first and most important thing in learning how to cope with a loss is understanding that you are not alone in this and there are millions of people that have gone through the same thing or maybe even worse , sometimes reaching out to them and listening to there story and how they were able to cope with such a grieve will give you some comfort knowing that one day you to will be able to cope with your loss & doesn’t mean miss/love them any less. Another part to coping with grieve is to not live with guilt of not being able to do enough or not being able to save them because it is not your fault ! to not live with the regrets and what if’s but to remember exactly how they were and live how they would of wanted to we can’t change the past we can’t stop someone from leaving this earth as life doesn’t come with instructions but we all walk in to this earth with an expiration date so when it’s time to go home there is nothing in the world we can do to change that because if it didn’t occur the way it did it could have occurred another way . I lost my 17 year old brother to tun violence on June 29,th 2019 Twenty-four days after his 17th birthday he was the 4th out of 7 siblings I am the oldest so when I got the news my baby brother didn’t make it I admit I was filled such an emptiness and was drunk in rage questioning God itself why has he taken him from us so soon when he hasn’t had a chance to experience life yet he hasn’t had the change to meet his father he hasn’t had the chance to know what it’s like to have parent to love him and watch over him for all he knew was my grandmother who raised him since he was only 3 months old and the truth is no one knows when you will leave this earth God Himself has his reason and we are no one to question God . we are selfs are only borrowed for tomorrow he might calls us home for unexpected reasons . we don’t know what tomorrow may bring as for me I never understood life until 1 year ago at the beginning of my loss i didnt know how to grieve I couldn’t even cry not because i didn’t feel i didnt know how to feel I felt lost confused numb scared to the thought that he wasn’t here anymore and that the day after his death officers rushed i my grandmothers home like we were some kind of criminals putting my sister who was just starting to grieve the loss of her best friend her little brother they tried to say my brother was gang affiliated they didn’t care for our pain for our grieve they just looked and treated us like we were the criminals when we were the victims here & for everyone that knew my brother knew he was not gang affiliated he was a home body a boy who would wake up every single morning with no problem no hesitation to get ready for school and walk him self to and back he wanted to change the cycle and be something in life and his life was cut short when he gave a friend a ride & now it was my grandmother and my responsibility to lay his body to rest so i felt i had no time to grieve i felt i had to be the strong one and set and example because i was the oldest i had to make sure i was there for my grandmother and siblings when a few months later i felt my self break wanting to grieve and not knowing how to and feeling i had no one to talk to that i turned to drugs to numb my pain but the pain only hit harder when the drugs wore off i knew this was not the way to cope grieve so i reached out for help for someone to speak to that could understand my pain and what i was going through And found there is a lot of ways with trying /learning to cope with grieve another thing that helped me with grieve was remembering him with such enthusiasm laughing at memories and hearing that little voice in the back of your head telling you it will be ok you will be ok and most importantly believing it with all your heart and soul . We are all in this grieve together and together we will be ok .

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  59. Marieke  July 27, 2021 at 2:15 pm Reply

    I did not lose a sibling, but I lost an uncle. I am dealing with my own pain of having not known him and the regrets that come from this, but I am also experiencing the grief that my mother is going through and not being able to understand that grief.

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  60. Joy  July 25, 2021 at 5:48 am Reply

    My sister passed away, yesterday, only 18 hours ago. I am desperately heart sick, and in shock. I new her longer than any other living person. I must live in the future, without her. Very sad.

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    • Audra  August 23, 2021 at 8:31 pm Reply

      Dear Joy, My sister Aprile died June 24th in her sleep shortly after speaking with me on the phone. She was healthy and happy. She was 56 years old. My big sister , my best friend and the person I loved most in the world. I am sorry you too are grieving the loss of a sibling and on the same day as my sister. If you ever want to speak, I’m here. It might be comforting for us. I don’t know. I’m trying to navigate through this very painful time as I know you are. In Kindness, Audra

    • Megan  August 24, 2021 at 7:48 pm Reply

      Joy i am so sorry. Yes you will have to live for the future. But right now you should just allow yourself to grieve. The pain can be unbearable but you have no choice but to go throw it. It is ok to be beside yourself in pain. Your future will still be there when you are done crying. Keep living. But grieve as fully as you need to. The love you shared is worth all those tears. I lost my best friend/brother 4 years ago and you better bet I still think of him daily and find tears for him might not be daily anymore, but they still come. All the moments he should be with me, have that conversation with me that no one else could have, the memories only we shared come back, those times will always affect me as they will you. But over time you will get better at dealing with it. Hang in there and be gentle with yourself. Don’t let people try to influence how you are feeling. They likely don’t understand.

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  61. pauline morgan  July 18, 2021 at 9:54 am Reply

    I am the youngest of 8 children and am 57. i always loved being the “baby” but now i dont. i lost my eldest brother June 2017 and my eldest sister 6 months later in Jan 2018. Covid has meant that i now work from home and i have more time now to think. i was like my sister’s daughter as there were 17 years apart and she spent all Christmas’s etc with me and my adult children. After losing my parents my eldest brother was my go to and i dont have that anymore. i have always been the “organiser” in the family and the one who tried to hold us altogether as my parents were extremely family orientated and i wanted to keep that. I am worried that i will have to go through this grief various more times plus i feel redundant now that my sister has gone. Why is it still hurting so much after these few years? sibling grief is so misunderstood 🙁 P x

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  62. Shailee  July 8, 2021 at 4:47 pm Reply

    I lost my 30 year old brother Shobhit on June 3rd, 2021. He died after a month long struggle with Covid. We were 4 brothers and I am eldest. Shobhit was two years younger to me and second child of my parents. My parents are 59 years old. This is the first time I have seen death so closely and that to of my loving brother. He was like a friend, son, confidant and the person I loved the most in this world. Am not sure how we will survive this loss.
    He was the backbone of the family. He defined our confidence.
    We were such a happy family and suddenly our lives have become miserable. Not sure how will we bear this loss.

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    • Ghazala Ahmad  July 19, 2021 at 9:19 am Reply

      I can relate to each and every word that you’ve written Shailee. I too lost my younger brother to Covid after a month long battle. We didn’t know we were fighting a losing battle. He was 8 yrs younger to me and like my son. My mom is devastated . His kids are very very young . He was just 43. His wife too is bed ridden thanks to Covid related complications. Each day each moment lies heavy on my chest. How will life go on without him I don’t know.

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    • Keisha  July 19, 2021 at 10:52 am Reply

      Shailee you are not alone in this pain. I experienced some similar factors when my older brother and only sibling passed on june 26 2020 due to complications of covid. He was 40 years and had no pre-existing medical conditions. He fought for 2 months and 16 days. My brother was also my closest loss and I felt like there was reason to live and I had no hope for the future. I decided to seek therapy 10 months after his passing because I couldn’t handle the grief anymore and I knew I needed some help. I’m sorry you have to endure this pain. If you want to seek help but therapy may not be for you. There’s network called the Covid Grief Network. Just type it in your search engine. It has helped me tremendously with the addition of professional therapy.

  63. Joanna  July 8, 2021 at 11:47 am Reply

    I just started getting upset earlier when I was ordering an 80th birthday cake for my mum, it’s her birthday next Wednesday, I only lost my big sister last year on February the 15th, she was 52 at the time, it would also be her birthday a week after mum’s, I get sad around birthdays and times when you really wish the person was here plus I feel deeply for my mother who has lost two children and her husband, when I think about it my mum was only 28 when she lost her husband, she was carrying my brother and my sister was only two at the time so timelines and ages connect in so many ways.

    I can’t remember a lot in the first few months last year, it was very tragic the way my sister passed, all circumstances were not easy to deal with plus it got plastered all over the papers, I went into autopilot, care mode, abd over protective mode..my mum was terribly ill for a lot of last year and then the whole pandemic happening just made everything feel even more surreal so I stayed quite trapped in anger, deep shock and my body would constantly go into flight or fight response, it took it out of me.

    So what I’m doing this year, I’m allowing the feelings, I’m creating space for them, I’m focusing on self care, I’m being gentle with myself, I’ve reached out and done lots of online healing sessions and talked through things, I take it all a day at a time, I don’t judge myself, there’s nothing linear about grief just know that everything you feel is because of love in one way or another, I also learnt a very tough lesson, you can’t save anyone in this world but yourself! Love with all your heart but make sure you’re giving it to yourself first and foremost, know that you can talk to those who have left this physical existence anytime you need, they’re always listening, I had a number of visits in different ways, so watch out for the magical moments of connections. Just surrender to it all and be gentle with yourself and live your life fully because we know now how fragile it is and how things can change so easily, sending out love and light to everyone ❤🦋🌟

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  64. Terry  July 5, 2021 at 1:43 am Reply

    My sister passed away suddenly on April 10, 2022 at the age of 51 due to COVID19. She was taken so suddenly. We were Irish twins – only 11 months between us. We lost our dad in 2007 but the feelings of loss and grief are so different. I am grieving the loss of our childhood and the loss of our future. I had so much I should have said to her. I am being treated for anxiety and depression due to her tragic loss. I want to feel normal again I just don’t know when that will happen. Today is my birthday and it felt so wrong for her not to be here. I miss her birthday text and seeing her today. Her birthday is in exactly one month and I know that day will be awful. Since she died of covid just less than three months ago it’s so hard to watch the world open up and “get back to normal” because my normal and her sons normal will never be the same. I love and miss you desperately Judy. You were my best friend for 50 years. Yes, we had our disagreements and regrets but I always loved you and always will.

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    • Keisha  July 19, 2021 at 10:38 am Reply

      Terry, I can relate. My only brother and sibling passed away due to covid june 26 of last year. It’s one devastation when you lose a sibling but when it’s due to pandemic virus is even more devastating. I hate when people say “finally I can get back normal”. There is no normal for us. We have to face this mess everyday. Seeing it on the news, billboards, hearing conversations in public about. It’s just an awful reminder. This is such a hard pill to swallow. I’m sorry that yoh have to endure this pain but you are not alone in it

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  65. Susanne Morris  July 4, 2021 at 2:54 am Reply

    My brother died on Sunday 27th June, I’m knee deep in grief, he was 48 and had a heart attack. My mother is losing her will to live. My mental health was sliding before this so now it’s just a whole lot worse. I live 200 mile away from my family and friends. I’d recently visited him and we’d talked about my next visit… I can’t believe I’ll never see him again 💔😭

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  66. Deb B.  June 29, 2021 at 11:27 pm Reply

    My sweet, sister on May 14th died suddenly in her sleep. I can hardly type from constantly crying. It has shocked & numbed me to my core. I Take solace in knowing she passed peacefully. We were extremely close. I’m saddened beyond belief. It’s a different kind of grief than loosing your parents, which I have. Our sibling bond was so strong. I hope it’s true that when you die, you see your loved ones whom passed before you as they are “waiting in the wings!” I have lost my faith in God for now. I am sorry that all of you whom wrote on this blog lost a sibling. Peace, understanding & thank you for reading my tears. ❣

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    • KC  September 19, 2021 at 3:11 am Reply

      Prayers your way. God loves you and so do we .

  67. Donna Robertson  June 28, 2021 at 11:59 pm Reply

    I have 2 brothers left in my nuclear family, one just died at 66 his birthday is the 29th of June. That’s only a little over a month since he died, I’m the middle child 1sister book end by 2 brothers. I’m 65 so he was my big brother and I’m so sad and I can’t stop crying even with medication. I’m trying to help his wife but I’m not doing very good. His death was unexpected so lm kinda in shock and I believe she is too. I don’t know if I should call her and acknowledge the day or let it pass. Our parents are dead and the brothers didn’t get along so I can’t talk to my little about this and we talk about almost every thing.

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  68. Pat  June 15, 2021 at 10:45 pm Reply

    My older 81 year old sister wishes myself and my brother would just die- and won’t talk to her only daughter- we do not know what her problem is –

  69. Mary  June 2, 2021 at 10:40 pm Reply

    My parents lost a 20 year old son before I was born. Never had the closure of finding what why he died, he was home with a friend when he suddenly felt ill and passed away. The autopsy didn’t reveal anything but my mother thinks he passed away to an aneurism.

    Some time later they decided to try for another baby and they had me. I’m currently 18 years old and sometimes I think about him and his death. I know it’s paranoid of me but I find myself wondering if the same thing is going to happen to me. I’m healthy, never had any problems and I even went to a kind of psychic to try and reassure me in this matter. At the time, my father had cancer and she told me that he would get better and he did. She also told me that I could rest assured that I have a long life to live.

    It’s just my paranoid a$$ that won’t stop thinking about it from time to time & I saw on this website that people could feel anxious from thinking that the same thing could happen to them. I know that unfortunately a lot of people lose their siblings and the same doesn’t happen to them. Just would like to receive some tips in how to get this thought out of my mind.

  70. Lori  May 1, 2021 at 4:17 pm Reply

    My brother died of liver disease two years ago yesterday. I’m usually the type to become more task oriented in crisis and these type of things but this year I’m just incapacitated. Can’t sleep at night, can barely do work. Worse off his son lives with me so we are both dealing with grief and snapping at each other and just dealing with it differently. I feel for him greatly but also I have nothing to give emotionally to anyone at the moment. I’m usually more the caregiver to people too so asking for help is tough. I speak to a therapist once a week but this week it didn’t help much. As the articles say I kind of don’t get the point of life. (For more context My mom also died 6 years ago and our beloved two dogs (both 14 and 15) died in the last six months. It’s just too much. Growing up it was just me, mom and dad and my brother and I. I guess the best way to describe it is the four of us with the legs of the table and now two of those legs are gone and the table just can’t stand up anymore. My dad is pretty sad too but it comes in waves. I’m not suicidal but I’m trying to figure out how to feel about their deaths. How to think/feel about life and death in general. Excuse my language but it’s just a real mindf*ck. Today and this week is just hard. Thanks for all of your stories and thanks for reading.

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  71. christine  April 25, 2021 at 5:55 pm Reply

    i am really sorry for your lose unfortunately my brother died and i feel a part of my life has been taken away i speak to him everyday i cry for him will the pain go away i ask myself it is early days as he recently died. just to hold you again and to say i love you bro and him to say i love you sis i will never hear those words again. nothing in this world will ever replace you and i am sorry our journey in life was not longer i love u bro and always will my brother John

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  72. bojos  April 23, 2021 at 2:35 pm Reply

    My younger brother passed away on 28 Sep 2020 in a hit and run accident. It was so sudden and shocking that I could not believe when I had the call. The truck driver ran over him and my little brother lay on the road like some roadkill. His head was so disfigured that he was unrecognizable. I did not even get to talk to him once before he went. He was my pride and my joy. And god took him from me in the most unjust way. There are peole who deserve to die for all the evil things they do and if anyone deserved to live, it was my brother. He did not deserve to die in this manner. There is no justification that God can provide us for this accident. Sometimes, I think that God just doesn’t care.

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    • Diana  January 8, 2022 at 12:40 pm Reply

      I’m so sorry to hear about your brother. Have been reading through many of these posts to find someone I can unfortunately relate to as I’m struggling to describe and define how I’m feeling. My only sister (3 years older) was killed under similar circumstances. In an argument with her boyfriend she got out of her truck and was getting her bike out of the back to presumably just ride that home rather than continue to argue. While pulling the bike out of the bed of the truck, he slid over into the driver’s seat and took off, dragging her until she could no longer hold on…a following delivery truck did not see her and ran her over, she was pronounced by first responders to the scene. She also was labeled “not viewable”. Medical examiner report lists cause of death as “multiple injuries”. I can’t stop wondering what went through her mind in those terrifying moments leading up to her death? Was she aware of the approaching delivery vehicle after she fell from the truck? Did she lay there and suffer for any amount of time afterwards? What exactly were her injuries? Would she have been disfigured or handicapped had the second vehicle not hit her? WHY? WHY WOULD HER BOYFRIEND DO THAT!? He was not abusive, we all really liked him, and she loved him and he loved her! Now struggling with the loss of all of my childhood memories that were wrapped up in her…have to make heartbreaking adjustments to my wedding arrangements coming up in October. Trivial adjustments like “I’ll only need 4 bouquets now”, “Please adjust the price for hair & make-up down to one less bridesmaid” and “how can I honor her on that day without making it sooo sad!?.” She was soooo excited for me. Cried at my “Say yes to the dress” day. My sadness and shock turned quickly into loneliness and anger. It’s only been 4 weeks and I already feel like people are being kind but are tired of hearing about it. Hang in there. I’m truly sorry for your loss. If you would like to talk to a stranger who understands in a way no one else can, I’m here.

  73. Stephie  April 11, 2021 at 3:39 pm Reply

    Our oldest brother suddenly passed away in his sleep in 2016. He was 20 years older than me & one of the most important people in my life. We shared a dad & had different moms, so we didn’t live together most of our lives other than a brief period when I was around 8, but he always called me his favorite person in the world. I miss him every single day.

    in 2019, we lost our youngest brother to his body finally breaking down after pushing through 30 years after a car accident completely changed his life. He was 13 years older than me & we never lived together.

    I have one brother who is still with us who is 18 years older than me. We have a hard time connecting on a lot of things, but i’m grateful to still have him. I think I have a lot of survivor’s guilt, even though what they had wouldn’t necessarily affect me, I do have poor health & feel like they had so much to contribute to the world. I also worry about adding stress to my parents and my brother.

    It makes me so sad that my brothers will never get to hug & love on all the kids in my life that I get to help raise, I could just see my oldest brother having the time of his life with them (interesting that’s how my brain wants to phrase it), but I do try to keep his memory alive & show the kids all the things he gave me & pictures I have.

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  74. Teresa  April 4, 2021 at 6:35 am Reply

    My brother Michael died in his sleep at about 10.00 am this morning, the timing taking us by surprise. RIP Michael.

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    • H  April 5, 2021 at 2:37 pm Reply

      Same thing happened to mine

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      • Teresa  May 12, 2021 at 4:13 am

        The same day? The same morning? I’m so sorry.

    • Tanya Felicia Rivers  April 21, 2021 at 1:40 am Reply

      Mere words can not even come close to explain how you feel right now. Just know that my heart goes out to you. I am deeply sorry for your loss of your sibling. May God comfort you now and later in your time of grief and sorrow

  75. Cailte50  April 2, 2021 at 6:39 pm Reply

    I have lost two sisters from a genetic illness,which my mother was blamed for,for bringing it into the family.It was years before I learnt both parents have to be carriers.

    My whole life has been living in a state of stress,panic,depression and grief. There was no help,no support,no kindness,nothing,for my parents,my brother and I. I didnt even know what normal family life was like until I met my husband and his family.

    One of my sisters died as a small baby-there are no photos,no discussions,no mementos of her.I dont even know what hospital she died in. I have asked,so many times,for information,I dont any more.

    I have been for counselling so many times but at the end of the day,no amount of talking can make up for what Ive lost and what I have endured.

    I nearly died from an eating disorder.I am ok now but that has left its own legacy and I deal with doctors who know nothing about me and just give out to me about my digestive system.

    I am happily married and have a good job but I couldnt face having children,not after what I witnessed.

    I will never be at peace with all I have gone through.I ask God to take me,every day.

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    • Lauren  April 8, 2021 at 7:31 pm Reply

      I will pray for you; here’s a prayer I’m praying: Dear God, thank you for your great love. You are so powerful, and you can work powerfully even in the lives of those who have experienced so much pain. Would you please remind Cailte50 of your presence, comfort them, and give them peace? Thank you for Jesus who went through so much suffering for us, for Him who died in our place so we could know you by your grace through faith in your Son. Please help Cailte50 with looking to Jesus who is no stranger to deep pain and suffering, and help Cailte50 to experience peace from Jesus. God, thank you again for your love. You are good. In the name of Jesus I pray, amen.

      Cailte50, I don’t know if you already know God personally, but I hope you come to embrace the the abundant life that is in Jesus and find your help in the Lord.
      Do you know God personally?

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    • Russ  April 12, 2021 at 11:49 pm Reply

      That really made me sad to read your story, that the love and all those things a family needs to survive. My hugs to you and I hope and pray that you can find happiness and better health. We take good health for granted in our lives. Remember one thing, we are all put on this earth for a test, remember that no matter what God loves you, I know that he suffered and died for us all that we may live forever in his presence, I know he feels your pain and your sorrow My hugs to you and my hope is you have better health and a better life. Hugs to you!

      • Candice  August 30, 2021 at 12:26 am

        My brother hung himself april 6, 2019. I’m still in disbelief and honestly so angry. He didn’t even say goodbye. I was supposed to visit him in Oregon and we made plans For his birthday on April 2. I was supposed to go that weekend and rescheduled because I didn’t feel like it and wanted to wait until the next weekend. I texted him on his birthday and he was bummed i wasn’t coming that week. I texted him Saturday morning on April 6 and told him i booked a flight finally and I’m coming. No response. I was out running errands and just going about my life and my mom called me screaming at 6pm. I almost fell in the middle of the street and i started hyperventilating. I can still remember every feeling i felt when i got that call. They said they found a note outside his apartment and his body was hanging in his closet since around 2am. The rest is a fog. We went to Oregon. Saw his body before it was cremated. Idk if that messed me up more or reading the autopsy with the details of everything about his body and how they found him and what he used. His body was cold. He has purple marks on his neck. But he was still my little brother. He was only 28. And he was alone when he decided to do this. His mental health was always extreme. He was so soooo smart. But so sooo depressed. I’m so freaking depressed that he was alone in this moments. That i couldn’t save him. That i didn’t make the time to see him. So many regrets. And i will never get to say anything to him again. Have him in my wedding. See my child. It’s very lonely losing an only sibling who you’re close to. My mom is losing her will to live. As well as myself as i struggle with depression and suicidal thought prior to this. It’s all such a weird experience. I would never wish it upon anyone.

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      • Litsa  August 30, 2021 at 1:02 pm

        Candice, I am so sorry for the death of your brother and for the regrets you feel. Some of these articles on guilt and regret may be of some support: https://whatsyourgrief.com/?s=guilt&post_type=post

        Please know that there is always help and support. If you don’t have a therapist, I would definitely suggest considering one – specifically someone who has some experience with grief. And you can always reach someone, 24/7, via phone or chat at the suicide prevention line (1-800-273-8255 or https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/)

  76. Teresa  April 2, 2021 at 8:38 am Reply

    My brother has only weeks to live. We found out only 6 days ago. It’s been revealed to me in piecemeal fashion over the last 6 days, the full realisation sinking in only yesterday. This happens to other families, not ours, surely. It feels surreal, but for the sadness that does not go away. I worry my mother will suicide, lose the will to live, he is her first born, and she’s so sensitive.

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    • Isabelle Siegel  April 2, 2021 at 9:19 am Reply

      Hi Teresa, I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through this. If you fear your mother will harm herself, please do not hesitate to call the National Suicide Helpline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit their website where you can do a live online chat https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ They can provide you with assistance. Please know that, no matter what, you are not alone.

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    • Lauren  April 8, 2021 at 7:36 pm Reply

      I’m so sorry to hear that, Teresa. Praying for your brother, rest of your family, and you. Are your brother and mother believers in Jesus?
      Also, I hope you and your mother can get support and hope that you have a loving community.

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  77. Corrina B  April 1, 2021 at 2:14 am Reply

    Out of the youngest of 3 I have been lost for 12 years 13 this year may 8 we barried my sister on mother’s day she had a son she had recently lost custody to and to his dad who was suppose to be her best friend but my sister was partying alot that week I remember so clearly I was 13 she was 19 my brother was 18 she was the oldest who always protected us both from the world mostly me because I was so much younger and had worse luck from the day I was born but she spent 2 1/2 nights well I spent it with her my cousin came picked her up they took me hone to my uncle’s were my mom lived with her stupid boyfriend who was a sexual pervert and my sister and I didn’t like the looks of from the first day we met him my sister didn’t care how old big or better they were at fighting then she she would do every thing in her power to protect me the next day I got off the school bus and she wasn’t anywhere in sight as she normally would be . The life I have lived since then I have tried to see her face in every way as far as I would always tell her how pretty she was and I hoped that I was as pretty one day she would always tell me how beautiful I was and how proud she was to have me the fear the anxiety pain hurt I have panic attacks and fear death and think of everyone’s death every second just fearing the time to come my sister overdosed I didn’t think I would make it past 19 I did here I am and every year has took it’s tole I’ve lost so much in life because I promised to finish what she started my brother misses her just as much I feel guilty because I was the only one she shared the last 3 days of her life with nun of us had the same dad but same mom who struggled with us so I feel guilty she sung this song to by travis tritt I’m gonna be somebody someday while her boyfriend played the quitar it took me at least 6 years to be able to hear that song without having a panic attack or was even able to tell anyone why I didn’t like it I would just flip out and couldn’t breath and panic in great fear the reaper would pick me through the song I am in need of help I’m 27 almost 28 I have been strung out on drugs since I was 15 and my life has fallin apart from the time she left us on this planet please help me someone I want to experience a life of hang gliding and parachuting and driving fast without griefing the los of my sister at that same time I want to live without drugs happily

  78. SS  March 22, 2021 at 12:14 am Reply

    I dont know how to help..my wife lost her sister 8 yrs ago.. think she didn’t have time to greave properly as our kids were young. However, i feel she is in a full blown depression now.. and has cut me out of her life.. its go on for years now.. the drift has gone worse.. and she has been drinking a lot.. trying to hide it from me… we are living in a different country and there is no family close by.. i am watching this decline, day after day.. standing helplessly at the shore.. watching her drown.. not being able to reach her… how do i help?

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  79. Lynnette  March 11, 2021 at 12:06 am Reply

    It will be three years this year on my birthday that I lost my brother. I miss him so much. He was 7 years older than me but still very young at 56. I felt like my brother truly understood me we grew up together, went through the same things. He knew how to make me laugh like no one else. I miss the times we shared. When I heard of his death I was in complete shock. I kept saying but it’s my birthday. When things sank in, I cried every single day for a month straight. I wished I could have been there to help him. I try to be there for his kids now. It does not get any easier, it just gets different. We often talk in my dreams. The advice I would give to a newly grieving surviving sibling is to let the feelings out. Do not try to push them down or hide them. In the long run, you will feel better for it. And know on a spiritual level they are always with you. They will live on in your heart forever. As long as you have the memories, they are never truly gone. You will meet in your dreams. Have faith. Know they have gone on before you to a much better place. I hope this helps someone in a positive way. Loosing my brother was one of the hardest things in my life. I’m sure you understand if you have lost a sibling. Forgive yourself, be patient with yourself, and do not beat yourself up. With time, the pain will change and you will reach a acceptance. But you will always have your memories. You will cherish them. I know I do. I have hope that one day, I will see him again when it’s my turn to move on from this world. He will always be missed until then❤

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  80. Louise  March 9, 2021 at 12:19 pm Reply

    When my brother was 19 and I was 17 he went down town with friends, drank too much and fell in a river and drowned 🙁 That was 33 years ago and I still miss him so much, he was my best friend 🙁 Ever since then though I feel like there is a part of me that froze at 17 (sorry of this sounds crazy). The reason I feel like that is because when I think of my brother he is still older than me and yet I am now 50! I wanted to share this on here to see if anyone else has felt like this.
    I’m so pleased I found your article so I can finally ask this question. Thank you

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    • Lindsey  March 21, 2021 at 11:43 pm Reply

      Louise, I completely understand what you mean about feeling frozen at the age when your brother passed away.
      I am so sorry that you lost your brother so tragically and suddenly, I can’t even imagine. My brother was 3.5 years older than me, and he always told me he “tested” every age for me first. Turning 35 was incredibly hard for me, since it was the first age he never experienced.
      I lost my brother almost 8 years ago. He was very sick for almost 18 months. My first child was born shortly after his diagnosis, and he was 16 months old when my brother passed away. I see so much of my brother in my son, which makes me happy. But sometimes I look and see how big he is getting and realize how long my brother has been gone and the grief is unbearable.

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  81. Melanie  March 2, 2021 at 4:16 pm Reply

    I’m glad I came across this post on the internet, as I still feel weird about grief even years later…

    My mom died from cancer when I was 13, after battling it very hard for nine years. I was very depressed afterwards, and my dad and my siblings were very shaken. I never went to therapy, though now I feel I definitely should’ve. I talked about it with friends who had no understanding, though they helped and did their best as we were all in eighth grade. I am grateful for them.

    Then, when I was 14, my older brother was killed when a truck hit him on his bike after school. I never realized he probably had depression until after. Just a year and a half after my mom, when I felt I was semi okay, he was killed suddenly.

    It’s been 7 years since my mom, and 6 years now since my brother’s death. He passed on our other brother’s (also older) sixteenth birthday as well. I was suddenly confused a few days ago, because the grief hit me like day one.

    For years, I struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts (never acted on them though they were tempting). Still, I find myself feel lonely and alienated because no one can understand. I feel as if I had to grow up fast and wasn’t able to have a ‘normal’ childhood and teenage years. I struggled finding friends who could understand, but I can say I’ve found beautiful friends. Even if they can’t understand, they are here.

    Finally, last year, I felt like I was started to learn to live, as I used to think about them constantly and never was able to find much happiness. I didn’t know who I was without that grief.

    I feel horrible talking about it with friends, because it’s been years. I can tell them the same traumatic memories or the same beautiful moments, but I feel like it’s almost a waste as I’m just repeating myself. Is it wrong to feel this grief so hard years later? I feel as if people would be angry and tell me to get over it, but this pain cycles every year.

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  82. Rebecca Chavez  February 26, 2021 at 7:00 pm Reply

    on feb 2,2021 i lost my best friend my protecter my Brother Ruben 39 years old five days before my birthday he was shot and killed by his wife who he loved very much i don’t know how to feel right now im so lost and broken and have a lot of anger. the police have determined this as self defense shooting……

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  83. Sandy  February 7, 2021 at 3:23 pm Reply

    I lost my only sibling, my dear brother, at 18 in a road accident. I was only 19 at the time. Even though I was the big sister he was the protective one.
    Our happy little family of 4 has been reduced to 3. I am now an only child and it puts so much pressure on me to take care of my aging parents alone.
    It’s so difficult to explain my anxiety, fear and loneliness to others. Forums like these really help me in finding some comfort.

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    • Isabelle Siegel  February 9, 2021 at 9:27 am Reply

      Sandy, I’m so sorry for your loss. Please know that you are not alone in your anxiety, fear, and loneliness. I recommend you check out this article: https://whatsyourgrief.com/what-does-grief-feel-like/ I am glad to hear that this website/community has brought you even an ounce of comfort. All the best to you.

  84. Darryl  February 7, 2021 at 2:37 am Reply

    I honestly dont know where to start or how to even say it, I understand that this isnt a share group but I feel like this is one of the only places I’m actually able to just put it out there. I lost my brother on aug.10 of 2019. Now long story short my baby brother suffered from many mental illnesses. I was there for him as much as i could be mentally and physically. Now what I remember of my brother is not the illnesses but me being able to go and see him and it would just be us, hanging out and no mental illness seemed to be there when we were just hanging out, so that being said on aug.9 I had gotten off my flight that night wanting to go and check on my little brother because I just had a feeling but decided to drive the 5 hours to get home instead only to get a call at 4 in the morning being told they found my brother. Like I said I know this isnt a support group but I havent truly told my story and I feel like it isnt my place to be crying or telling everyone but it is truly weighing me down and I have nowhere else to turn to.

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    • Isabelle Siegel  February 9, 2021 at 9:43 am Reply

      Darryl, I am truly so sorry for your loss. I’m so glad that this website is giving you a platform to tell your story. I hope that has been helpful to you. Please know that, no matter what, you are not alone.

    • Tahiess  April 13, 2021 at 1:10 pm Reply

      Darryl
      So sorry for your loss. I just lost my 52 yr old baby brother who was nothing but happiness and joy until mental illness and drugs and alcohol issues started to take over his life 20 yrs ago. We tried everything and gave up on him and he didn’t want anything to do with us because it became too painful to witness his self destruction (all 5 of us his siblings) just quit…now as expected I am totally guilt ridden with his death .. oddly this last year I was concerned about him constantly and had no idea where he was …but he moved back home and was working and barely surviving life and we didnt even know but within 12 hrs of his death we were informed and his family notified and that alone I am grateful for. ..I hope he is not in that deep dark sad hopeless place that drove him to this point …Professional counselors tell me I should not feel this way but I disagree … my point is you were worried about your brother because he was a part of you and something in your heart told you he was not doing well and that connection is important for you to understand and grieve your way and allow your heart to heal knowing he loved you and you loved him! ..this sounds terrible but when you felt you could have POSSIBLY saved a healthy person its more painful in my opinion even though loss is loss and I have also accepted I will always struggle with this and thats ok too.
      God Bless!

  85. Kristen  February 5, 2021 at 11:05 am Reply

    I lost my best friend, my rock, my person, and my only sibling 1/25/21. My sister passed away in her sleep due to a pharmacy saying her insulin wouldn’t be in until Monday (this was on a Friday), this wasn’t the normal pharmacist she dealt with, and no other substitute insulin for her pump was even offered. She wasn’t on a special order insulin, and something should have been offered. 1/23 and 1/24 was great days despite her feeling bad and going without insulin, she done so great and the sweetest thing she had was two drinks of orange juice, which was a major accomplishment for her as she loved her sweets despite being diabetic. I am the one the family called for anything when it came to my sister and when my mother called me during work, on a 3 way call with my niece who will be 21 on the 17th and told me I needed to get to my sisters now. I stay on the phone and I am asking my niece all these questions, preparing myself for CPR and so be I’ll break her ribs if it means saving her. My niece couldn’t not talk and was crying screaming, I run inside and nothing could prepare me for the sight in front of me. She was gone and had been gone for at least 4/5 hours. I can’t loose it because my mother is in the phone with my niece trying to ask her questions and trying not to break down, my niece couldn’t even call 911, and it was the hardest call I’ve ever made and Chaos happened after that. I had to keep it together for my niece, brother in law whom pulled in behind the ambulance, and my mother in which I lied to in front of everyone. I couldn’t loose her too, I couldn’t chance her wrecking or having a heart attack. Once all the calls were made I still couldn’t loose it, breakdown, scream, because I had to stay strong for my 10 year old daughter whom was extremely close to my sister. I have had several breakdowns in the last 11 days. Last night was the first night I was fully able to let it all go, without having to pull myself back together and put on my brave face. I am lost and broken and still feel as if this is a nightmare. Reality is my best friend is gone and I can’t even begin to think about the days to come. I’m taking it hour by hour, I’m all over the place, and I’m not sure how much longer I can be the “strong one.”

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    • Isabelle Siegel  February 9, 2021 at 10:16 am Reply

      Kristen, I’m so very sorry for your loss. I can only imagine how angry and frustrated you are feeling. I understand that you feel pressure to be “the strong one.” But what does it mean to be strong in grief? I recommend you check out this article: https://whatsyourgrief.com/what-does-it-mean-to-be-strong-in-grief/ You need to help yourself before you can help anyone else… and that might mean letting yourself feel whatever it is you need to feel. All the best to you.

  86. Raymond Heath Taylor  February 5, 2021 at 12:18 am Reply

    My youngest brother was ran over by two trucks and killed like almost 2 years ago although In my head it still feels like last week.. I’ve been questioning myself sometimes wondering if what I feel is normal I’m the oldest brother of three boys and one girl my brother that got killed was the youngest boy we have a sister that was younger than all of us but like I said I’m the oldest so I kinda felt that I had to step up and be strong for my mom but to be honest at times I would hide my hurt in order to keep my mom from seeing an possibly causing her more pain but this has I believe made it worst for me I know the only cure for my pain is to die not saying I wanna kill myself but in reality there is nothing that will ever make it stop I’m told it gets easy after time but it makes no sense the more time away from something the more you miss it I think I need help….

    • Isabelle Siegel  February 9, 2021 at 10:29 am Reply

      I am so very sorry for your loss. First off, I want you to know that there is no such thing as “normal” in grief. Moreover, I completely understand the pressure to feel strong for others. I recommend you check out this article: https://whatsyourgrief.com/what-does-it-mean-to-be-strong-in-grief/ That being said, it’s important to take care of yourself first… and that may mean allowing yourself to break down. You are not hopeless. I recommend you reach out to a therapist trained in grief and bereavement, which you can find here: https://grief.com/grief-counselor-directory/. If you are thinking of hurting yourself, or even if you just need someone to talk with, please call the National Suicide Helpline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit their website where you can do a live online chat https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ All the best to you.

  87. Louise  February 3, 2021 at 6:30 pm Reply

    My eldest brother and his wife were killed in a car accident Dec 2020. I had been no contact with my family, and him, for 6 years up to that point.

    Our parents had lost 3 of our siblings as babies. I had to reinstate contact with our parents, due to this devastating loss. He had a relationship with them. Now it is just me and them.

    My brother saved me from awful situations, but he was my first torturous bully (his coping mechanism to his treatment). I am broken, this is too hard. How can I go on now?? I have no idea. His funeral is in 2 days, I don’t want to go. I cry every day and sleep evades me.

    Our parents are hoping this reinstates our relationship. How?? They are two separate things.

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    • Isabelle Siegel  February 4, 2021 at 10:27 am Reply

      Louise, I’m so very sorry for your loss and that you’re being forced to navigate this complicated family situation. As hard as it may be to believe, what you’re experiencing–the crying, lack of sleep, hopelessness–is normal during grief. I recommend you check out this article: https://whatsyourgrief.com/what-does-grief-feel-like/ You will find a way to get through this. Perhaps you should seek out the support of a therapist trained in grief and bereavement, which you can find here: https://grief.com/grief-counselor-directory/. As far as your parents are concerned, do NOT feel obligated to keep up a relationship with them. You have to do whatever feels right for you. All the best to you.

    • Kim  October 6, 2021 at 8:10 am Reply

      Dear Louise, I hope you’re safe, well & things are easier. I feel your anguish because I am experiencing a very similar situation. My youngest brother passed away suddenly & unexpectedly 5 days ago and I’m struggling with my conflicted feelings. If you have any advice I’d love to hear from you. Genuinely hope the world is a brighter place for you, warm thoughts, Kim.

  88. Karis  February 3, 2021 at 4:41 pm Reply

    My older brother committed suicide at age 26 in September 2020. I had moved countries just months before that. It took me 3 weeks to get a flight home because of covid and I felt like I missed out on so much because of that. My parents and other siblings drove together to meet his wife and kids and got to see the place where he died. I missed the dignified transfer of his body to our hometown. Thankfully they were able to hold off the funeral till I got there…but by the time I did, so many extended family members and friends were around that my nuclear family never got to be alone together before each of us had to return to whichever ends of the earth we were living in.

    I feel so confused and lost because I’m living in a country completely different from where we grew up. Nothing here reminds me of him or spurs those deep-rooted childhood memories that would make me feel reconnected to him. I can’t just turn to my dad or my sister and say “remember when…”. There isn’t anyone around me who knew him so I never feel comfortable bringing him up. It makes moving through my grieving process so much more difficult because there are parts of me and my relationship with him that I feel are buried so deep that I can’t even reach them. I’m confused about what to say when people ask me how many siblings I have. That question always throws me off so much.

    This doesn’t even touch on the completely different level of pain that it being a suicide caused. I feel like the hole existing in my body is my fault because I knew he had depression but I didn’t do anything different to try and be closer to him even though I was his kid sister. I even up and left the country despite that he didn’t want me to. I know none of us can truly believe deep inside that something like this would happen to our loved one, but the guilt is still inevitable and crushing.

    My siblings and I are all adults; he was married with two children; so it complicates what I think I’m supposed to feel because we didn’t see each other very often and each had our own lives going on. I compare my grief a lot to his wife’s because her day-to-day life completely turned upside down, whereas I still get to wake up in bed every morning with my partner. Everything immediately surrounding me looks the same, so to speak. I hadn’t even seen my brother in about 9 months leading up to his death. But on the flip side of that I sometimes feel angry at her because she can re-marry one day yet I can never have another brother.

    I’m exhausted of everyone telling me that I’m so strong and that I seem like I’m doing really well. I know they mean it as a compliment but it immediately creates a wall where I feel like I can’t share the raw pain, confusion, guilt and despair that I feel. At the same time I feel forgotten because everyone else’s lives have moved on but the burning emptiness my family is experiencing is still completely real. I haaaaated Thanksgiving and Christmas because all my friends were sharing photos of them with their families, nice and complete; but mine will never be whole again.

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    • Isabelle Siegel  February 4, 2021 at 10:31 am Reply

      Karis, I’m truly so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine how difficult it is to be adjusting to a new country/environment while also navigating your grief. I know you feel like you have to be strong, but allow yourself to feel whatever it is you need to feel. I recommend you check out these articles: https://whatsyourgrief.com/what-does-it-mean-to-be-strong-in-grief/ and https://whatsyourgrief.com/grieving-suicide-death/ Please know that, no matter what, you are not alone. All the best to you.

    • Lindsey  March 21, 2021 at 11:53 pm Reply

      This really resonated with me:

      “But on the flip side of that I sometimes feel angry at her because she can re-marry one day yet I can never have another brother.”

      I have A LOT of anger about this. My brother was very sick for almost a year and a half. And I visited him as often as I could, I had a new baby, and my brother lived in a different city. His girlfriend was my son’s aunt, and his best friend was an “honourary” uncle. After my brother passed away they didn’t keep in touch as often, and it became clear that they had started seeing each other. It broke my heart that they still had each other, but my family was completely left out of their lives. I didn’t just lose my brother, I lost a sister and a good friend too.
      They ended up getting married.
      I am sure things haven’t been easy for them, but it’s incredibly unfair that they have each other and I am still alone.
      I don’t have any other siblings. So his death has been very difficult.
      Not to mention having the best (my son) and worst things happen almost at the same time.

      You have every right to feel sad and grieve. Everything has changed for you too.

      Hugs

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  89. Shannon  February 3, 2021 at 11:53 am Reply

    I lost my brother January 15, 2021 suddenly after a brief illness. I’m the oldest at 51 and he was 36. We live the closest to each other and I’m having a terrible time with this loss. I miss him and I feel trapped in a desolate place surrounded by despair. I cry multiple times a day and my husband and I are going to be going through his things to donate. Our garage is full of his personal items and every time I look at his stuff my wound grows. Everyone says it will improve with time. I know I’m just at the beginning of my grief. I just want to be at a point I can think of good memories and his life. Instead I’m living in the sadness of his death.

    • Isabelle Siegel  February 4, 2021 at 10:38 am Reply

      Shannon, I’m so sorry for your loss. The pain you’re feeling is normal and okay. I know you want to “get past” your grief, but please know that grief has no timeline. I recommend you check out these articles: https://whatsyourgrief.com/myth-grief-timeline/ and https://whatsyourgrief.com/grief-recovery-is-not-a-thing/ I understand how difficult it can be to go through a loved one’s belongings. You may want to look at these resources: https://whatsyourgrief.com/selling-and-donating-old-items/ and https://whatsyourgrief.com/sorting-through-belongings/ You will find a way through this… But for now, allow yourself to feel whatever it is you need to feel. All the best to you.

    • Lindsey  March 22, 2021 at 12:00 am Reply

      Oh Shannon!!
      His death is far too recent for you to be reminiscing about the good times and being able to go through his things without crying all over everything.
      Please don’t be so hard on yourself.
      My parents and I had to go through my brother’s things while he was still alive, his lease was ending at his apartment and his girlfriend couldn’t continue to pay it on her own. So the 4 of us went through his things as quickly as we could just to see what was to be kept and what could be thrown out or donated. I. So incredibly sentimental that I basically took everything home. I tried and tried to look through his things for months at home and I couldn’t. A lot happened in the next few years and I still haven’t been able to go through all of his things. I take a little bit at a time. Only recently (almost 8 years) have I been able to look through his things without crying.

      Please don’t be so hard on yourself. It is so recent.
      Sending you hugs

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  90. Keshaw Kishore Singh  February 3, 2021 at 5:55 am Reply

    My brother died in a car accident on 31st december, 2020 now i don’t know what is happening with me i am not able to tell my parents what really is happening to me…i need someone to talk to me…i am really scared…i just don’t know what to do

    • Isabelle Siegel  February 4, 2021 at 10:47 am Reply

      Keshaw, I’m so sorry for your loss and for this pain you’re feeling. It’s okay to be scared. I recommend you reach out to a therapist trained in grief and bereavement, which you can find here: https://grief.com/grief-counselor-directory/. Please know that, no matter what, you are not alone.

  91. Alison  February 3, 2021 at 1:15 am Reply

    I lost my younger brother on December 14, 2020. He was only 25, his life was taken away by depression. I miss him. I thought I was doing fine, but when I have time alone I can’t help going onto his facebook and instagram to start scrolling down his posts, or family photos I have in my albums. His death still feels unreal to me. I am a strong person, but his death really hit me hard. I won’t deny any future happiness in my life but I think a piece of me died when he died.

  92. dale  February 1, 2021 at 6:59 am Reply

    thank you.
    i’m in a very strange space with myself.
    i watched my brother get hit by a 4×4 and die. He was 3, I was 8.
    I’m 23 now. And i am still dealing with it, i didn’t have much/to no support when I was growing up with it – school didn’t really help, everyone was just telling me to get over it.
    Then, my dad died when I was 17.
    And I’m trying to accept it. As i am coping the best that i know i can right now,
    which lead me to your webpage.
    thank you.

    • Isabelle Siegel  February 1, 2021 at 12:12 pm Reply

      Dale, I’m so sorry to hear that you were forced to go through all of this and that you haven’t been given the support you deserve. I highly recommend you check out this article, which discusses the pressure to “get over” grief: https://whatsyourgrief.com/pressure-to-get-over-grief/ I’m glad you found our webpage… I hope it shows you that, no matter what, you are not alone. I’m proud of you for finding healthy ways to cope. All the best to you.

  93. Michelle  January 31, 2021 at 1:31 am Reply

    Everything you wrote was so fitting. I lost my only sibling on Christmas morning 2020. He was my older brother and very best friend and I just feel so lost and alone without him. I feel like I can’t tell my parents how I really feel and all I think about is how lonely ill be when my parents pass. I cry every day and have no interest in anything anymore. I feel like everyone around me has just gone on with their lives and they think I should too but all I can do is be sad, I just can’t get past it.

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    • Isabelle Siegel  January 31, 2021 at 10:45 am Reply

      Michelle, I’m truly so sorry for your loss. I understand that you feel pressured to move on… I highly recommend you check out this article: https://whatsyourgrief.com/grief-recovery-is-not-a-thing/ It’s normal to struggle to “get past” grief… because, in reality, we never fully recover from grief. That being said, you will get through this. If you don’t feel like you can speak with your parents, perhaps you should seek out the support of a therapist trained in grief and bereavement, which you can find here: https://grief.com/grief-counselor-directory/. All the best to you.

    • Lindsey  March 22, 2021 at 12:09 am Reply

      Michelle,

      I am so incredibly sorry to hear of your brother’s passing.
      You definitely need to tell your parents how you are feeling. Your grief is valid.
      I completely understand feeling alone, and thinking about how alone you will be once your parents have passed. You are also grieving a life that you didn’t expect to be taken. You assumed you would grow old with each other. You would always have each other to lean on and be there for each other. You likely hadn’t even thought about what it would be like if he passed, because you assume you will lose your parents long before you lose your sibling.

      I lost my older brother almost 8 years ago, and I still struggle with my grief. I see a therapist, I try to write down my thoughts when I can. Sometimes I have to schedule the with myself to listen to sad music and write everything down. And it feels better afterwards. But it never gets easier, you just figure out ways to cope with it.
      Please tell your parents how you are feeling. I know you don’t want to burden them, but it’s not a burden. Your grief is important and you need to keep a good line of communication with your parents. The three of you have to figure out what works best for your family now, and everyone’s voice needs to be heard.
      Sending you hugs.

  94. Sue  January 21, 2021 at 11:41 pm Reply

    As I read through the introduction I felt a strong connection to everything written on sibling grief. I was researching child bereavement at certain ages & how death of loved ones are processed in children. I lost my older brother, my best friend & protector on 4th of July 1994. I was 14 years old at the time. It was the most traumatizing loss a child at my age could bare. After finding out he was in a accident & was killed, I came home sat on the couch in shock and numb only to see the entire accident he was killed in on the news. In that moment I watched as they used his accident as an example for drinking and driving. I fell to my knees & in shock, in so much pain as I saw my brothers body covered in a yellow tarp on the television. I remember reaching out with my shivering hand touching where his body sat covered. I took everything in at the moment, his shoes were laying in the street & the vehicle holding my big brother was smashed in the middle.
    I am now 40 years old & I like many younger siblings forgotten in the most tragic time in a child left to try and understand the ways. My brother was our only brother & my mother’s only son. She wasn’t able to cope & broken hearted left me at home alone & went to the streets to drink her life away. With that I consistently try to understand my struggles as an adult. Finding my development & explanation for my behavior health. Gaging my traumatic experience separating each event by levels of trauma.
    I would like to try and utilize my childhood trauma to help others. Mainly children in similar situations. This is a far off dream that I’m driven to analyze by my own experience no only to give me some insight, I believe it will help me feel that I went through that all to help others.
    Thank you for reading & thank you so much for this site. Beautiful

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    • Isabelle Siegel  January 22, 2021 at 10:25 am Reply

      Sue, I’m so sorry to hear that you were forced to go through this at such a young age. Your desire to help others in similar situations is inspiring. Perhaps you could get involved in a grief support group, specifically for sibling losses/childhood grief? All the best.

    • Lindsey  March 22, 2021 at 12:14 am Reply

      Oh Sue. I am so so sorry that this happened to you, and at such a young age. I can’t even imagine.
      I had time to prepare for my brother’s death, and even then there isn’t enough time to prepare for it. But I can’t even imagine what you went through. Not to mention your mother leaving you at such a young age.
      You sound like a remarkable woman, regardless of these awful tragedies.
      I hope you are able to find a way to help others going through something similar.
      Sending hugs

  95. Bethany  January 19, 2021 at 10:13 am Reply

    I lost my older brother (age 33) on December 27th 2020. He was one of my best friends and while we lived in separate states, we still managed to be close. He had dealt with substance abuse and recovery his whole life, however his death was not due to an overdose and for that my family was thankful. His passing has been hard on both my older sister and I, especially since we also live in separate states and have to grieve separately. My brother had a larger than life personality and everyone who met him loved him. He dealt with a lot of survivor’s guilt as he had a lot of friends he lost to addiciton, so knowing he isn’t suffering through that pain anymore has brought my family some comfort through this difficult time. We miss him and we love him so much.

    • Isabelle Siegel  January 19, 2021 at 12:05 pm Reply

      Bethany, I’m so sorry for your loss. Your brother sounds like an incredible person who will be missed dearly by you and countless others.

      • Bethany  February 13, 2021 at 12:10 pm

        My name is bethany and i also recently lost my brother who was 33, he died in his sleep and aspirated vomit. Still waiting on toxicology. I feel so lonely and sad that he never got to have children and he wanted so badly. His last months were so painful for him, the love of his life left him a week before their wedding day. I had a feeling of impending doom, i just knew something was going to happen…this feels like a sick joke.

      • Isabelle Siegel  February 17, 2021 at 12:37 pm

        Bethany, I’m so sorry for your loss and for the pain you’re being forced to navigate. I hear that you feel alone… Do you have any friends or family that you can reach out to for support? If not, you may want to look into finding a therapist trained in grief and bereavement, which you can find here: https://complicatedgrief.columbia.edu/for-the-public/find-a-therapist/. Please know that, no matter what, you are not alone in this. All the best to you.

  96. JacQ’uie  January 13, 2021 at 9:07 am Reply

    I lost my brother Larry, to a drunk driver on November 29, 2020. The other driver crossed over into his lane and he was killed upon impact. We were just together 15 mins prior to his death! He was the youngest of my two older brothers! We were extremely close for we had been roommates for 6 years! I love both of my brothers dearly, we have a different relationship but nonetheless I don’t love them any less. I miss him so much and the pain is so unbearable sometimes I can not stand it! I’m not sure if I will ever ever come back from this, it was just three of us and now there’s two.

  97. Christine  January 13, 2021 at 6:05 am Reply

    My younger sister passed away on New Years Eve Morning, less than 2 weeks ago. She had a massive heart attack and she was only 36 years old. I lost my older sister to cancer back in 2006, she was only 43. My brother moved to Florida and i am the only one left to take care of my parents that are in their 80’s. I feel like i have no time to grieve and i don’t know who i can talk to. I am busy with my job, my household and taking care of my parents and everything they need. I don’t mind doing it i am just tired and can’t sleep. I am so lost and all i do is think about her and wonder why this happened to her. She was so young and getting her life together. My brother hasn’t talked to me in 2 years and he just tells my mom to be strong. Not once has he offered to come help. I feel alone and probably just feeling sorry for myself. But i feel like life is over and i am just waiting for my turn to go. How do i help my parents with their depression when i can’t help with my own? I feel so lost.

  98. Michelle L Kontos  January 11, 2021 at 6:41 pm Reply

    I lost my brother on May 3rd, 2016, he was 44 and I was 42 at the time. I am now 46 and I am now older then my big brother. IDK where to even start with him. He was the CIO of the US state department. He had a few separate college degrees and I so looked up to him my whole life. His death haunts me. He told me everything, so Why didn’t he tell me something was wrong? Or so that’s the story. He was my first friend, my best friend……he was fine a few days prior, then all hell broke loose. Our parent’s got divorced 6 months before he died, he left me with a mess. I am so mad at him for that, but I’m more mad because he didn’t tell me what was going on and I swear to you he told me everything. I just feel betrayed….was it me?

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    • IsabelleS  January 12, 2021 at 12:24 pm Reply

      Michelle, I’m very sorry for your loss. The mixed emotions you’re experiencing–the anger, sadness, betrayal–are normal and valid after a loss. I hear that you blame yourself for him not telling you what was going on… I hope you can ultimately forgive yourself. You did nothing wrong. All the best.

  99. Dawn  December 30, 2020 at 10:51 pm Reply

    I Lost my younger brother in June at 42. We were 3 years apart and he was my life ride or die. We fought like dogs at times but no one else should mess with the other. He always had my back and I always had his.
    we had just lost our Dad to a sudden heart atack little over a year before my brother passed and I am finding it hard and ..I mean really freaking hard to not have the only person in the world that knew and understood how I feel. I feel left and abandoned.
    I find myself going to pick up the phone to call or text him about this or that and it breaks my heart each time.
    I try to think of the many funny
    Stories/ memories that we had together but it really hurts and sometimes makes me mad he Left me. I can totally relate to the part of the artical about my grief is somehow lost to the grief of my mom and others feeling like my grief does not count.I know that it does but it still makes me feel that way. I just want to yell “What about me?” but that would be selfish. I am coping day to day trying to navigate through this grief and that is why I am glad I found this page. Noone gets it unless they have been through it. The artical also makes me feel like I am not alone in the feelings that I have so thank you. I needed this. Sorry so long winded and thanks for listening.

  100. Bert  December 26, 2020 at 2:47 am Reply

    I am lost , my brother just passed from hypertension. He was I. Exceptional shape and was a yer older than me. I’m 40 now and my world has been up ended. I feel ok some days and others I cry and the sadness turns to anger. I don’t know what to do. I pray at night and ask for strength and fortitude and I feel I am being consumed by this. I went through this at 16 when friends died in my hands and now my brother. It’s to much for me. I would never hurt myself as I’ll never see my brother again but I’ve become a distant person of my self. At times I don’t even know myself. I’m truly lost.

    • IsabelleS  December 26, 2020 at 10:13 am Reply

      Bert, I’m so very sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you. I want you to know how normal it is to feel as though you’ve lost yourself after the death of a loved one… You are not alone in this. You may want to check out this article: https://whatsyourgrief.com/dont-know-anymore-grief-loss-identity/ Please be gentle with yourself as you navigate this loss. All the best to you.

    • Michelle L Kontos  January 11, 2021 at 7:03 pm Reply

      Bert,
      I have let my brothers death consume my life. He has been gone since May 3, 2016. I try so hard to change that, his death consuming my life. No one can tell you how to feel as no one can tell me how to feel. If you haven’t lost a sibling, then you just don’t get it…. prayers to you.

    • Sam  November 17, 2021 at 12:49 pm Reply

      My 15 yo younger sister died on 24/10/2021. I’m 19. I loved her so very much. She was just a baby. And it wasn’t her time. She died of post covid MISC. This grief will kill me. I hope it does. She was the brightest, full of love and life. My support system. My heart aches for her. All the bad things I ever did to her keep replaying in my head, the silly fights, the hitting, the shouting, the bad things I said. I blocked her off my stories once and she heard someone else talk about it, and she asked me sweetly with so much hurt in her voice, why cant i see your stories? And i felt so ashamed but i lied and said, ues you can while unblocking her, and she half believed me but since then I decided to change. I should have valued her more. She loved me through it all. She was my love. I was a kid myself, but I should have seen her for all she was, and I didn’t. I thought her an annoyance, but I loved her so much, since the last year we grew very close. I protected her through all the family fights as a kid, and now she’s not here anymore. I want to die with her. I don’t know how to age without her. Every conversation I have is fake, a sham to make everyone think I’m alright. I’m not. I’m really not. It should have been me. It really should. Not her. She was good and lovely and the best. I will love her through the divide of death. How can I not? Why her? What am I supposed to do now? I hate myself. I don’t deserve this life. I want to see her again i want her back.

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      • Litsa  November 18, 2021 at 1:04 pm

        Sam, I know it feels impossible to go on without her, but please know that you can and will and there is support. The thing about grief is that, in the early days and weeks (and even months) no one knows how they will survive. It feels unimaginable. But you do – one breath at a time, one step at a time. I know you are focused on all the regrets in this moment, because our brains love to focus on the negative- it is a natural inclination. But it sounds like there were many wonderful things too – ways your supported and protected her and recent times that you were close. The nature of sibling relationships is that they are almost always a mix – wonderful closeness mixed with fights and not appreciating one another. And yet siblings usually still know that they love each other, even when actions don’t always show it. Though aging without her here will always feel incredibly hard, you will still have a relationship with her memory – people will get to “know” her through your stories and memories of her. You’ll always know the way that she impacted the person you and will be able to live in ways that puts that into the world. Though the regrets we have are always hard to live with, like wishing you’d valued her more, one thing you can do in her memory is to live in a way that values others and puts the same love and light you say in her out into the world. It is not a solution to the pain – it never will be. But it is a place to start. Please know that you can always find support through a grief therapist and if you are ever thinking of hurting yourself, or even just need someone to talk to when you’re very down, the suicide prevention helpline is always available at 800-273-8255 or to do an online chat here.

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      • Sam  November 19, 2021 at 9:54 am

        She was not supposed to die. We could have done more an saved her. I would rather die in her place. I want to. I’m 10000% willing to. Why her? Why not me? Will I ever get to see her again? I just want to talk to her.

  101. Laura Higgins  December 21, 2020 at 1:50 am Reply

    Everyone will tell you my oldest brother was the kindest, happiest most loving person You could ever know. He was a police officer for 18 years in Arizona. He was well known by many people he even worked at many schools on the Indian reservation (even though he was a tall blonde white guy) so all the kids and families knew him. He only had 1 more year before he could retire and move back home to Washington State. He got a call around 9am for an erratic person so he went to try and help. When he got there and got out of his car and the guy immediately came at him with a broken bottle so he backed up. Then the guy jumped in and stole his police car drove aways then did a u turn and then purposely drove over my brother with his own police car and killed him. I can’t stop thinking that if my brother wasn’t so nice he should have shot him when he was stealing his car and then he would still be here. The public is always complaining about cops shooting people and no one cares about how devestated me my 2 brothers, his half brother and sister, his wife, his 7 children and his parents are. It has been about 5 months and everyone is just in a continued sad and confused daze with no relief in sight. Oh yeah and then after the guy purposely hit a few more cop cars before he got stopped his excuse was he was that hadn’t slept in 3 days because he was on a meth bender.

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    • IsabelleS  December 21, 2020 at 10:38 am Reply

      Laura, I’m so sorry for your loss. Your brother sounds like an incredible person who will be missed dearly by many people. It sounds as though the way your brother died is making the grieving process all the more difficult for you… which is so understandable considering the traumatic nature of his death. You may want to check out these articles: https://whatsyourgrief.com/struggling-with-how-a-loved-one-died/ and https://whatsyourgrief.com/traumatic-loss/#:~:text=%E2%80%9CA%20death%20is%20considered%20traumatic,loved%20one%20suffered%3B%20or%20if It might be helpful to seek out the support of a therapist trained in grief and bereavement, which you can find here: https://grief.com/grief-counselor-directory/ Once again, I’m so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you and your family. All the best.

    • Michelle L Kontos  January 11, 2021 at 6:51 pm Reply

      Laura, I am so sorry, what a horrible thing. You are right though, this kind of stuff doesn’t make the news. I’m in Pittsburgh and haven’t heard this story. It has to fit the narrative. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. I lost my brother under different circumstances, but I still lost my brother and unless you’ve lost a sibling, you don’t get it. He had no wife or kids, but all ask about my parent’s….what about me?

  102. Cate  December 14, 2020 at 10:39 pm Reply

    I lost my older sister to brain cancer, and then my dad to stomach cancer 6 months later in 2019. My mum is beyond shattered, my family torn apart and I think my dad just gave up when he got the diagnosis. After she passed away, my sisters husband (in a diabolical hate-filled act) scattered my sisters ashes and refuses to let my mum or any of her blood relatives know where and when that happened. There is a pervading black emptiness of soul watching my mum being forced to suffer so terribly because she can’t get any rest or closure.

  103. Justin Yates  December 12, 2020 at 8:36 am Reply

    My brother passed away this morning from cancer. I am numb and upset at the same time. I feel relieved but also torn to pieces. I just talked to him yesterday and was going to hang out with him tomorrow. Now I feel like a piece of shit for putting it off until “tomorrow” when I knew he had limited tomorrows. It’s been a long fight and what makes it extra hard is the only reason he is now gone is due to a misdiagnosis 5 years ago. Had they not though a giant tumor was a blood clot and put him on blood thinners for a year he’d still be alive and healthy. He had a tumor in his leg, they let it go misdiagnosed for a year and by the time they realized hey thats not a blood clot thats a tumor it had already sread through his body. He died because it went to his lungs, he was in a lot of pain and his life ended in suffering which torments me. I hate doctors and feel as though they treated my brother very poorly and really didn’t care at all. I’ve long thought doctors were terrible human beings, and my brothers experience has cemented that notion. Essentially psychopaths who got a job instead of becoming criminals. I thought I was ready for my brothers death, it’s been a long time coming, but when I got the call I was devastated. I know he knew how I felt about him and all of that. I know he loved me. Most of my pain is based in the anger that he shouldn’t be dead, doctors killed him, and those same doctors still have jobs and make tons of money fucking people over. I think they should be in prison. They indirectly murdered my brother. I’ve so very angry, that my brothers pain and stress and loss of life, my moms immense pain of losing her first born, my pain for loss of my brother who was always there when I needed him. All caused by a Doctor who can’t read an ultrasound. That same Doctor had the gall to show up at one of my brothers benefits, benefits to raise money to pay his medical bills, what a piece of shit that guy is. Hey I gave you a death sentence and you owe me money but here’s $300, I hope that fucking guy loses someone close to him, then maybe he will have more of an appreciation and respect for the lives of others. I don’t know how doctors do it, if I gave a patient a death sentence I’d quit medicine, because i would never again want to ruin anyones life. I hope he gets hit by a truck, with his brother watching.

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    • IsabelleS  December 14, 2020 at 12:11 pm Reply

      Justin, I am truly so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you. Everything you are feeling–the conflicting emotions, the numbness, the anger–is normal and okay. I recommend you check out this article: https://whatsyourgrief.com/all-about-anger/ All the best to you.

  104. Keisha  December 8, 2020 at 12:57 am Reply

    I loss my brother 6-26-2020 due to complications of covid. He fought for his life for 2 months and 16 days. I am slowly accepting that his death wasn’t my fault. I felt that I should have told the doctors to not intubate him but he agreed to it. It just they needed a verbal witness. When the nurses told me that he could into cardiac arrest at anytime that day I was numb. I took my mom with me and the minute my mom went into the room and told him that she was there that’s when his heart stopped. They performed CPR twice and after the third time his hear stopped, I told them no more. I didn’t what to think or do at that moment. He was older brother and my only sibling and I wish that I could have done something to prevent him from getting the virus. He didn’t travel anywhere he wore his mask at work and on the way home. I just don’t understand. He was only 40 years old and had no pre-existing medical conditions. It hurts so bad that holidays and birthdays will never be the same. I miss him so much.

  105. Kam Williams  December 5, 2020 at 7:19 am Reply

    I lost my 20 year old brother today to suicide. I have no idea where to even begin with the emotions I’m feeling. We are 7 years apart and weren’t close growing up but over the last few years have gotten closer as he opened up to me about his mental health struggles.

    Thankful to have found this page. Thank you for caring enough to make this site, post, and Facebook group. Praying for us all on this healing journey <3

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    • IsabelleS  December 7, 2020 at 10:51 am Reply

      Kam, I’m truly so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you. I too am glad that you found this page… I hope it brings you even a bit of comfort in this trying time. I recommend you check out this article: https://whatsyourgrief.com/grieving-suicide-death/ You are not alone.

    • Alison  February 3, 2021 at 1:36 am Reply

      Hey Kam, I know no one would exactly know how your relationship with your brother was and how sad you feel about your brother’s death, but I have a similar experience here. I lost my 25-year-old brother in December 2020 to suicide. He’s 3 years younger than me. We were not very close when we grew up but as we grew older I thought I could finally be a good and caring older sister as I finally knew how to take care of people. We lived in different countries because of his studies and my marriage. The last time we met, I was so happy we could finally open up to each other and talk more maturely, and I was so looking forward to next time we meet. Little did I know there would be no next time…..

  106. Veronica Sousa  November 15, 2020 at 4:30 pm Reply

    I lost my brother on October 3rd 2020 at our home. Basically he just fainted and passed away. My mum found him at the living room mat and we still don’t know what happened because he was healthy and he’d never complain about anything. We tried CPR but he wasn’t responding untill the medics arrived. The doctors told us it was something fulminant, they were able to recover his heart at the hospital but his brain went too much time without oxigen. It’s so devastating to lose a brother at 29. With his whole life ahead of him. We were so close. He was my life guarantee. He’s gone and a part of me is too. I miss him so much!

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    • IsabelleS  November 16, 2020 at 11:12 am Reply

      Veronica, I’m very sorry to hear about your loss. I completely understand feeling as though part of you died along with him. This is such a normal and valid feeling. The ambiguity of your brother’s passing definitely makes things harder. I recommend you check out this article: https://whatsyourgrief.com/struggling-with-how-a-loved-one-died/ Please be gentle with yourself. All the best to you.

    • Cathyperez34@gmail.com  December 22, 2020 at 12:21 am Reply

      I lost my baby sister on 11-10-2020, 10 days after her 32nd birthday. My mom found her on her bed and she was already gone. We dont know why or what happened and because of Covid we won’t have a complete autopsy report for another 3 months. I am completely devastated. I am sorry for your loss as well

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      • IsabelleS  December 22, 2020 at 12:07 pm

        Cathy, I’m so very sorry for your loss. I imagine that the uncertainty surrounding your sister’s death is making things especially difficult for you. COVID truly has made the grieving process all the more difficult. You may want to check out this resource: https://whatsyourgrief.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/Grief-Covid-Document.pdf Once again, I’m sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you… All the best.

  107. Ryan  October 31, 2020 at 2:28 pm Reply

    I’m 27 and I lost my little sister just over a week ago to asthma. She was on heavy doses of medication and steroids in order to help her overcome her i lack of white blood cells, but unfortunately her body couldn’t take it and she collapsed at our family home after not doing able to breathe.

    She’s my only sibling and it pains me so much to know that as her big brother I couldn’t save her. The doctors and ambulances arrived within 10 minutes and worked on her for a couple of ours attempting to restart her heart, which happened on/off, until her heart stopped for the last time and could not be restarted after the last 40 minutes of the doctors trying.

    They tried everything at our home, they couldn’t rush her to hospital because of the valuable time which needed to be spent working on her. Since that day and in the last week, everything is sinking in and I am worrying about everything. The thought of dealing with future life within my family all alone terrifies me, the fact I won’t have my little sister who I love dearly won’t be able to walk through life with me, handling future family tragedies, getting married, living life with me, everything.

    It’s changed the way I look at life completely and I’m still in a state of shock, even after it’s hit me. The loss of my little sister and the time since had made so many worried topple ontop of me that weren’t otherwise there. Worry after worry after worry overwhelming me in my realisation of that tragic event and all of the worries that it brings with it as I’m now the only sibling left.

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    • Amir  November 1, 2020 at 5:50 pm Reply

      Sorry to hear you friend. I also lost my brother in Covid. It has been just a week. I am lost, broken and shattered. I sm trying to recover to my normal life but in just a week my world is changed and my heart gone with him.

      • Daisy  November 26, 2020 at 4:00 am

        In 2012 I was 15.
        My brother was 11.
        He drowned at a lake on June 6th of that year.
        I wasn’t there, but every time I let myself relive those last moments with him, I remember the moment I called after him with the intense feeling of not wanting to let him go on that lake trip.
        I think I still feel I could have saved him.

      • IsabelleS  November 27, 2020 at 11:41 am

        Daisy, I’m so sorry for your loss. I understand that you feel guilty… This is such a normal experience in the grieving process. I recommend you check out this article: https://whatsyourgrief.com/guilt-and-grief-2/ I hope this website/community brings you some peace. All the best.

    • Racda  November 2, 2020 at 5:44 pm Reply

      I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my brother 10 years ago and I remember him as if it were yesterday. The grief never really goes away, but in time it changes and the love shared has becomes the prominent thing in my heart. I hope this will eventuate for you.

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  108. Irishman  October 30, 2020 at 8:41 pm Reply

    Where do I start! Probably today. I have a beautiful family and I couldn’t be happier. I have a wife who I love dearly and a daughter who I would die for. Normality is how most would describe it. But 25 years ago I lost my younger brother.
    I miss my brother terribly, but missing him won’t bring him back. Remembering him keeps him alive in my mind and that is now good enough for me.
    However, it took me years to get to this point.
    And this is my point. It hurts, it hurts like hell. But eventually that hurt turns to memories. Nice memories; funny memories. They say time is a great healer, it really is. Trust me. You just have to take control of your own life & park the past. Don’t let it define you & consume you.

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    • IsabelleS  October 31, 2020 at 1:06 pm Reply

      I am so very sorry for your loss and the hurt you have had to endure. It’s so special that you have turned your pain into memories, and that you keep your brother alive in your mind after all this time. Thank you for taking the time to share your story and perspective!

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  109. Atlanta  October 27, 2020 at 8:16 pm Reply

    I’ve recently lost my 18 year old brother, there was only 3 years between us and we’re only a family of four. He was taken from us and murdered and our pain isn’t over. I’d give anything to have my brother torment me one more time and I’m broken that he’s missed so much out of his life and things he’ll never get to do. I feel like I’m trying so hard to be strong for my parents that I feel guilty for being sad but everyday seems to be getting harder and not better could someone tell me if it does get easier or will it be like this forever.

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    • Ishy  November 5, 2020 at 5:28 am Reply

      I am so sorry for your loss. I also recently lost my 25 yo younger brother to a senseless murder. We are also a family of 4 and it’s like we all lost a huge part of ourselves. I am trying to be strong for my parents but it hurts too much. As the time is passing I miss him more and more. He was the sweetest person in my life and I could have given my life for him. If only I could bring him back. I hope we can all find some strength to bear with this tremendous pain.

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      • IsabelleS  November 5, 2020 at 10:51 am

        Ishy, thank you for taking the time to comment and to share your story. I am so very sorry for your loss. I hope this website and this community brings you some comfort. All the best to you.

  110. Stephanie  October 27, 2020 at 4:12 pm Reply

    I never thought that I was grieving until today… I’ve lost both of my brothers to muscular dystrophy. I’m not sure what’s worse…. knowing your entire life that both of your older brothers were doing to die probably before they turn 20… or it being an accident. Since I always knew it would happen, I felt like I never needed to accept the emotions that came with it… I feel guilty that I was the only healthy one, upset that I didn’t spend more time, mad that I was embarrassed as a child, traumatized from the events and so very alone. I get so jealous when I see my husband with his siblings and angry inside that I just want one more conversation with either of them. I can’t explain the daily struggles I go through because how do you talk about something that feels like black nothingness. It’s been 15 years since I lost my oldest brother and 4 years since I lost my other. Now it’s just me and I don’t think I’ll ever not feel alone. Is it wrong to feel like that even though I have an amazing family? It’s like there’s a piece that I can’t fill

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  111. Ghazala Khan  October 21, 2020 at 7:18 pm Reply

    It has been 8 months since I lost my younger middle beloved sister to cancer- she had thyroid cancer which metastasized into severe bone cancer
    She was 50 – Two years younger than me. I feel the pain of her loss everyday very deeply. It is still not easy for me that she has gone from us forever.

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  112. Madalin  October 8, 2020 at 11:21 pm Reply

    On 9/11/2020 my 20 year old brother took his life. No one knows why he did it, but he was struggling from depression but hid it from all of us. I’m only 23 so we were pretty close. Especially in high school. He was always my protector, and midnight food run buddy. We shared a walk growing up and whenever I knocked on it he always came running. I feel like a piece of my heart is gone. I was always driving him to his practices and I was at every swim meet, wrestling match, school function, and every single thing I could be at. I loved being his older sister, I loved taking care of him and spending time with him. He gave the best hugs, where he would just hold me. I miss him so much, and am struggling to come to the reality that I’ll never see him again, that I will never hug him again. He will never meet my future kids or be at my wedding this summer. I’m just heartbroken, but have to be strong for my parents.

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    • IsabelleS  October 9, 2020 at 11:02 am Reply

      Hi, I am so very sorry for your loss and for this pain you are being made to endure. My heart goes out to you. I know you want to be strong for your parents, but I want to remind you that you too are allowed to grieve. Be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to feel whatever it is you feel. You cannot be there for your parents unless you are first there for yourself. I suggest you check out this post: https://whatsyourgrief.com/grieving-suicide-death/ All the best to you and your family.

  113. Hector  September 26, 2020 at 7:40 pm Reply

    Hello, I recently lost my youngest brother He had just turned 15 earlier this year. As the oldest I was expected help out a lot which helped forge an immensely close bond with my brother Leo. Leo was born with a heart murmur and while growing up one of his arteries was not growing and he was going to require a surgery. Our middle brother of 19 years of age was born with a similar problem and has already undergone surgery. Leo went to get his surgery and since I had just recently moved away and was working at a hospital I attempted to limit my exposure to him because of COVID and did not want to put him at risk. Unfortunately the surgery did not go as planned and we were told he was going to need a heart transplant. We were all very hopeful, but could not see him due to COVID restrictions, they did however permit one of my parents to be present at a time so for two months my parents left work to swap off days to be with our youngest brother. I had been working 60 or more hours to make ends meet plus receiving support from other family members and friends. Unfortunately on the 15th of September 2020, I got a call from my mother who was with him that day and told me that I should come see my brother because myself and my other brother were going to be able to see him. I ran out of work at 3am and drove to my parents place to pick up my father and brother as we drove to the hospital we were all very silent not knowing what to say. Once we arrived we went up to see him and I got this horrible like knot in my stomach that I have not been able to shake since. We spoke with Leo, but he was heavily sedated. Then after some hours they said that the doctors wanted to speak with us. When they broke the news to us that they had done everything possible and that there was nothing that could be done I felt my heart sink. We spent the remainder of that day with leo and into the night. Eventually they allowed few family members to see him. we sat around with him and played some of his favorite music, the medication began to wear off slowly and he woke up in a lot of pain but he always held a smile. He began to raise his arms as much as hi body would let him and with all the strength he had he began to dance swaying his arms side to side. We spent his final moments with him until 2am the next day when we were told we could not wait any longer. I held his hand while they unplugged the machines that acted as his lung, heart and kidney’s. In that moment I knew we would no longer have another moment together. Leo and I were very close. He would message or call me for anything. Sometimes I would find it funny that he would ask me for permission prior to even asking my parents. Some days we would just talk, others we would play video games online. Now that he is gone I feel like I have to make sure that my parents are okay as well as my brother. As the oldest I was constantly reminded by family members at the funeral that I had to be strong and take care of everybody now. I know they don’t mean it with malicious intent but I feel like still have not been able to comprehend what it means for him to be gone. I still feel like he is going to step out of his room and run over to give me a hug like he always would. Then he would ask me if I was going to spend the night and we could hang out and play. I am 23 years old and we were roughly 9 years apart in age. I miss him like crazy and at the same time can not believe it.

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    • IsabelleS  September 27, 2020 at 9:13 am Reply

      Hi Hector, thank you for taking the time to comment. I am so sorry for your loss and for this tremendous pain you are experiencing. I know it may not feel like it, but your feelings right now are completely normal. I understand how difficult it is that everyone is expecting you to be strong for your family. As difficult as it may be, it may be helpful to speak to your family members and other loved ones when they say things like this. It is so important that you communicate your own needs, and not just take care of others. Hope this brings you some comfort.

  114. Amikins  September 26, 2020 at 12:08 am Reply

    I lost my only sister a month ago to a heart attack. She was only 42. Our dad died back in March in his sleep from a stroke. I just feel sick with sadness and like I am walking in a nightmare.

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  115. Maria  September 18, 2020 at 7:06 pm Reply

    I have grieved a sibling, but at that time my parents had already died. My son died in April 2020, covid age 38. I’m posting because I want to support my other children through their grieving process, and I want them to know their grief isn’t being overlooked. How can I best let them know.

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  116. Angel  September 16, 2020 at 9:44 am Reply

    I lost my dad (july 2019) and my older sister (dec 2019). It was so hard for our family because we are still grieving from the loss of my dad when my sister died. Everyone around me kept telling me to be strong for my mom and my younger brother which I did. It was just so hard because I felt like I can’t be weak and show any sign of weakness for them. I had to be strong when every inch of me is hurting, breaking and all I really want is to break down and be weak. I just felt like people forgot that I’m grieving too and that I needed someone to lean on to. I can’t grieve the way I wanted to, I always hold my tears and it’s really killing me inside. I feel like any moment I’m gonna lose it. I feel like no one understands my pain. My sister and I are like twins, I’m 28 she’s 29. I also felt like I’m living in the shadow of my deceased sibling due to comparisons from relatives and friends.

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  117. M E2  September 16, 2020 at 2:03 am Reply

    Im sorry if my story is long i just need this off my chest. People dont know the struggle I face just about every day. I’m glad I stumbled on this blog post. Because I felt a lone and still do for the past 6 years. I’m still grieving the murder of my bestfriend/ big brother who was more like my twin but born 2 years apart. I was 25 at the time we both were attending college together and living together in Georgia he was a Computer Science major just 1 semester away from graduation. I can remember it like it happened yesterday. It was a day after his birthday he just turned 28 he was going to meet a friends I didn’t think to much of it, while I was at my internship. I was thinking ok he’s probably going to go out for his birthday weekend, so I got home no one was there so I decided to go spend some time with my boyfriend just on Friday. Then Saturday one of my friends who was staying with us came back to the apartment and it was destroyed I told her to go stay with one of your friends until I get back. I panicked I called my brother over 20 times that night, he never missed a phone call. My mom called me panicking and it was one of the worst cries I have ever heard, and the pain and guilt I was feeling inside was difficult to express and explain because my brother and I where supposed to keep an eye on eachother which we always did but, just this 1 time was all it took. I stayed with my boyfriend until I had to go back home on sunday and saw the livingroom was destroyed, the kitchen destroyed and his room destroyed but my room we untouched. I saw that a detective left their card on the counter in the kitchen. I did not want my boyfriend to leave me alone until I find out what was going on but he had to go but he stayed until my friend got there. That Monday felt like a walking nightmare, I got up went to my internship because I was still in my 90 days but they knew something was wrong I told them my brother never came home and I dont know where he is, I was in tears and i dont like to cry in front of people at all but that day i just could not hold it in. They told me to go home and get things settled so I did, i took the train home and walked from the train stop to my apartment. I called the police department and they told me that they are going to connect me to the coroner’s office. With my friend with me we went to identify my brothers body. I did not know I walked passed where my brother was killed that hurt me even more. That was the day my world came to an end and life was never the same having to tell your mother her only son who survived and life threatening accident when we where kids was gone. I felt guilt and shame, because I knew who did it because this person was bullying my brother and threatening him for 3 months had wanted to talk with him to apologize but that was a lie. It all came out in court in 2019 we got justice. My life, my family’s life, and all of his friends he knew all over the world lives are forever changed because we no longer have the one person who was a light in our lives here anymore. The outpouring of love that was recived from all his friends was appreciated. I lost 5 years of my life but I am now starting to remember and wake up from this nightmare after 6years. Even though the guilt and shame is still there from time to time, it finally feels good to be able to speak to my mom again without the full hurt, pain, guilt, and shame I felt in 2014. We are still healing but it so much better when justice served. My brothers image at the coroner’s office is forever etched in my brain. But I thank God for letting me know my brother is ok. This is a cautionary tale I will have to tell my children one day and when that time comes I will be open to let them know they had/have an uncle but his heart was to big for this world. Love on your loved ones while they are still here because you never know when their time on this earth will be over

    Thank you for having a place for people to share their stories of grief.

    Stay Blessed

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  118. Kaye  September 14, 2020 at 2:40 am Reply

    My little brother was my best friend. He was hilarious, so smart, a gifted musician, an amazing dad, and literally my best friend. He could light up any room he entered. Until the end. The last months of his life, he was the most miserable person I’ve ever been around. He allowed actions of other people to determine his mindset and happiness. On 9/11/10, my world stopped. I received a text from someone that said “omg your brother is threatening to kill himself and I don’t have time for this”. I immediately went to his house ( less than a block away and yes I called 911 before I even got there) and found out he had made good on his threat. The phone was still in his pocket from where he reached out to the only person he wanted affirmation from. I tried so hard to get him back, to open his eyes and wipe the blood from his nose and tell me he was just joking. I did CPR until the responding police officer made me stop for the medics to take over. He was not even 30 yet, still a child himself with so much to live for and so much love to give. It still feels like yesterday, despite it being 10 years and 2 days ago. He left behind so many people that thought he was a perfect, amazing young man – Most importantly, his daughters, my son, our parents, grandparents and me. If he had called me, we could have figured it out. But he chose to call someone else, and she didn’t have the time to speak to him despite him being her husband. I’ve tried for 10 years to understand. I hope he found the peace he needed, because I lost mine when he took his last breath.

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    • Sally  September 14, 2020 at 5:13 pm Reply

      Kaye,

      I know “I’m Sorry” does not take away the pain but while reading your post I am filled with sadness for you and me. I have lost my parents, and my four siblings in the span of 20 years but that is not all, I have felt suicidal many times during that 20 years. I have always managed to talk myself out of it because of the ones you leave behind. I wonder if he secretly suffered from depression and hid it from his family and the world. Those of us that suffer from depression learn how to mask it. Understand, I am just wondering, not assuming or diagnosing. I just was so touched by your story.

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  119. Kasandra  September 12, 2020 at 8:41 pm Reply

    I lost my big brother just under 9 years ago…. today is his birthday. he would have been 30. I’ve never really talked about how his death effected me. never really felt i could. since he died I’ve also lost our mom and our grandpa…. i didnt feel like anyone would understand. My entire family flocked around our grandparents when my brother died. They didnt even try to comfort my mom or me. i had to step up and try to keep my mom in one piece… obviously it wasnt going to work but i had to try. My family proved i couldnt talk about it to anyone. My stepdad tried to get me into therapy for a little bit but i fought. like i said i felt i had to be the strong one so i felt that i couldnt be strong if i talked to anyone. It hit me today almost 9 years later that while yes ive mourned i havent truly let myself mourn the way i should have from the begining. thank you for this. i needed help. and i needed to know i wasnt alone. i was only 17 when he died. my family let a 17 year old be the one to try to hold everything together. i think they may have done more damage to me then than they had ever done growing up

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  120. Kristen  September 6, 2020 at 10:36 pm Reply

    I lost my brother last Monday 08.31.20. He had been in the hospital since Sunday 08.01.20. He found out he had Coronavirus that Thursday 07.29.20 when he came down with a fever of 102F. That first week in the hospital he stayed on isolation and was having to wearing a C-Pap to help him breath. The following Monday 08.09.20 I came home from work hearing that my brother had been put on a ventilator in CCU. It’s very confusing on how he ended up there since he had been fine that week before. He stayed on the ventilator for the following 3 weeks until his heart could no long take all the sedatives and paralytic drug they had been administering him. I feel like my brother could have lived if he had been treated at a different hospital but his wife did not want to transfer him. I have all these feelings wrapped up inside me from being sad and depressed to being upset and angry. My brother was only 36. He did not deserve to die this early in life and I’m heartbroken knowing that my one and only brother who is my only sibling has left this earth and I will never see him again. I just would like to know how everyone copes with someone this close to you passing away unexpectedly. I never imagined this happening a month ago and now here it is September and he’s gone from my life. He’s gone from his 5 year old daughters life also who he’ll never get to see grow up. I feel lost without him

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    • Jo  September 16, 2020 at 1:59 am Reply

      I loss my brother 8/27/20 to a motorcycle accident. A man ran a red light and hit him. He died on the side of the road. He was one of the greatest people I ever meet and he was my protector and best friend? I miss him so much it physically hurts me. He left behind an 8 year old son….I’m sorry for your loss! May we both find the strength to find happiness without ever losing sight of our love for them. I think that’s my biggest obstacle… I don’t think I can ever be happy without him here?

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      • Megan L Parker  December 8, 2020 at 3:44 pm

        Jo, I am so sorry for your pain. My brother was also my favorite human, best friend and protector. I know what it’s like to feel you will never be able to answer the question, “How are you today” with a positive reply ever again. You can’t even envision it. Your whole identity feels smashed. You feel you only function in life as a team. How can you go on? I am coming up on the four year anniversary (1/22/17). I can tell you it took a long time to have good days, but you will eventually get there. (Take as long as it takes you-don’t put a timeline on this!) I’m sorry to say, you will still have the hard days and you may still weep for your loss four years later as I do. But I envision his voice, I read the words in his cards to me, and I look at pictures that bring back memories and I know he is with me at times, still cheering me on. You have to go on, because your brother is still cheering for you too. Again, so sorry. The pain is relentless. The missing is relentless. But you will get better at living with it.

  121. Janet H Jones  August 29, 2020 at 10:38 pm Reply

    I lost my big brother on Monday, just 5 days ago. We were extremely close and I am just crushed. I feel like he was robbed of 20 years of life as he was only 61 years old. He was one of my best friends. I feel like I’m living in a nightmare; I’ve never lost anyone close to me and it just feels like it’s not real. I suppose in time I will feel the reality of it and learn to accept it but right now I just wish I could turn back time. He bumped his foot, broke his toe and it became infected. After taking antibiotics the infection didn’t subside. He ended up in the hospital for 6 days where they pumped him with more antibiotics. He was released and the infection didn’t go away so he was given even more antibiotics. He died of acute liver failure which appears to have been the result of an overdose of antibiotics. This year is just too crazy to be true. I’m sooo heartbroken.

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    • Maria  September 18, 2020 at 7:27 pm Reply

      I truly feel for you and my other children. I lost my son age 38 to covid April 2020, they lost their brother. I to feel my son may have survived if treated elsewhere, something I couldn’t control. The reality is, the outcome may have been the same regardless. I know from previous experience with the death of my brother, that you can say a lot of ifs but in the end it doesn’t change anything. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh. The loss of my son has been the worst pain I’ve ever had, and I also know the pain of loosing a sibling. I feel for you and for my other children and all those who have lost loved ones to covid. Your grieve journey will be as individual as you. I hope you get the support you need.

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  122. Pat Emily  August 29, 2020 at 7:25 pm Reply

    Yesterday, I learned about the tragic death of a younger sibling while surfing online. There was a 2-line notice on a website of a Crematorium where she had passed away. I was so shocked, I nearly passed out. The younger sister had become estranged from the family when when a man got her hooked on drugs and prostitution when she was in her 20’s. This was around 1990. She shunned the family for 30 years! Now, I accidentally learned of her death over 2 years ago inJune 2018. The circumstances of her death were tragic in that she lived alone and apparently had a stroke around June 20, 2018. Her remains were only discovered after 2-3 weeks, lying on the bathroom floor in a state of decomposition. She was cremated. Since she was estranged from the family, the Medical Examiner who performed the autopsy did not inform the family at the time she passed. Apparently they didn’t know who to contact. I only learned about her passing when I was online getting information for the genealogy work I do, when I chanced upon a site for the Crematorium that listed her as deceased. The online obiituary listed only a name she had assumed, her date of birth and death. There was nothing personal mentioned at all, nothing about her family, her life, etc. It was the saddest thing that I’ve ever seen. She died alone, was only found weeks later, and died without the love and support of her family. It is agonizing to discover this information after 2 years. I can’t imagine the horror and pain of her death.
    So, now my dilemma is how and whether to tell the rest of the my 5 siblings, who have medical challenges and are all in their 60s and 70s? My concern is that it may be overwhelming and they may suffer physical and emotional damage for life. It happened over 2 years ago, with no one knowing about it. Perhaps it is best to let it go without causing more pain and suffering to know that she thought so little of her family that she would not take precautions to have them notified in case of death or incapacity?

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  123. Sally  August 10, 2020 at 8:37 pm Reply

    I lost my sister and my best friend to cancer 20 years ago and I have never recovered from it. 6 months later her husband, my brother-in-law was murdered, some years after that I lost my brother Ron and after that, my brother Jim! In between all of these deaths I lost my Mom. My oldest brother passed away in 1980 and my father in 1982. I know this is to be about siblings but I am 67, my entire family is gone and I feel so alone with all the memories and no one seems to want to hear them. I miss them all so much and I grieve every day.

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    • Rainy  August 11, 2020 at 7:36 pm Reply

      (Email removed) I’m only 18 so I’m not sure if you’d want to talk to me.. I lost my brother 6 months ago. He was 21. There was no cause , I found him in his room and thought he was sleeping.. absolutely no cause.. I miss him terribly it feels like I woke up into hell. I could use somebody to share new prices with too.

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      • Dawn Mahoney  October 3, 2020 at 7:40 am

        My son (17) lost his little brother (11) in a bicycle accident in April. He is having a really hard time. I have him in counseling but he does not think it is helping. I am at a loss of what to do.

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    • Kelly  September 15, 2020 at 9:04 pm Reply

      I just lost my big sister, my only sibling. I’m 50 and she was 58 and all I had left. Just wanted you to know if you want to share something about story, I’d be happy to listen.

      2
  124. kevin roman  July 31, 2020 at 1:34 am Reply

    im 19 years old i lost my brother july 15 2015 5 years ago of a crystal meth overdose it scarred me for life as i remember the day i found out the news my mom started crying out loud after receiving a phone call while i was playing computer games and i asked whats wrong and she said my brother is dead i couldn’t believe it i was completely shocked and numb and it was confirmed when my brother’s brother picked us up to drive him and i saw his body and was in shock until the coroner took him in. As i was in his room i saw a note that said I’m sorry in his handwriting so i know he never meant to harm anybody when he must have realized he was dying ill never forget my brother I’ve been dealing with grief for the last 5 years now trying to make a life for myself and make my brother proud. I try my best to stay away from drugs because my family has a history of drug problems and i did have a period in my life of doing cocaine from 17-18 but now that im older i just want to let go of this grief and pain and become a successful person through persevering in the stock market and trying to form a band andcollege and whatnot.

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    • Rainy p  August 11, 2020 at 7:40 pm Reply

      I’m 18. My brother was 21. I found him in his room and thought he was passed out on Xanax few hours later he is still the same.. they say there was nothing in his system. They say there’s no cause. I felt your grief reading your comment If you ever want to talk my email is parkerrainy@gmail.com. I’ve been pretty horrified the last 7 months.. scared of my life.

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      • Cherry  September 2, 2020 at 1:25 am

        HI Rainy, my brother was the same. They couldn’t find a cause and we think he accidentally overdosed on xanax

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    • Danielle mcmichen  September 30, 2020 at 4:50 am Reply

      November 2nd will be a year that I lost my older brother, I still find it hard to believe it’s real. Much like alot of stories I thought my brother was passed out, but I never could get him up I called my mom to let her know and said I’ll call 911. Well when the firemen and paramedics got there, they tried cpr and by then my mom was at my house, my stepdad walked down stairs to tell us he was gone…I’ll never forget my mother’s scream, no her baby boy. He was sent to gbi for autopsy and it took 3 months before we knew what happened, but he accidentally died from od where someone gave him stuff laced with fentynol. He was only 37, and myself 35 at the time so we’ve always been extremely close, and I do seem to have more emotional moments getting closer to the year anniversary of his passing. I’m sorry of your loss and your not alone, I have several step brothers and sisters but he was my only one real brother and life will never be the same.

  125. Darla  July 16, 2020 at 1:52 am Reply

    I am 16 years old and my little brother Adrian who was 14 just passed away yesterday. I mostly feel like I blame myself and like I should have done something to let him know that he was not alone but nothing I ever said or did helped and I wished I would have tried harder. I wish I could have been there with him his final moments to let him know he is not alone or to hold his hand so he wouldn’t be hurting or be afraid anymore. I love my brother dearly and I will never forget him

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  126. Annie  July 1, 2020 at 9:47 am Reply

    Im from South Korea, and I lost my one and only older brother on 26th December 2019. He was 33 years old, and his name is Myunghyeon An. I was working in Uganda at that time. I still remember that day, my dad called me said you have lost your brother. He was found on the river ar 1pm with the freezing cold weather in my hometown.
    I flew back to Korea with the earliest flight after a call, and finally arrived at the funeral. I just couldnt believe anything, he said will see you after 7 months little one when we said good ye when i left korea. I still remember him as the nicest, coolest person. We miss him very much. He is just gone like this without saying one word, without anything left for his reason to leave. I still think about him a lot. I will remember him forever, until i die. The one and only one.

    Miss you so much my brother 명현.

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  127. Pamela Zavala  June 30, 2020 at 3:03 am Reply

    First I lost my older brother about 6 years ago. He was almost to his 34th birthday. He aspirated in his lungs from a od on pills. That was October 2014. After that I moved with my mom to take care c if her so she wasn’t alone. Then February 2017 my younger brother was found with a gun shot to b his head. They ruled a suicide, but I know my siblings and he would have never done that. He just turned 33 in October. He left behind a twin brother who has a major drinking problem. We all thought he would go next. Last week my sister died at age 45 have a C-section. She bleed out and her heart stopped. In this day and age it doesn’t make sense. It’s rare to die from complications of child birth. She was there eldest. Needless to say, my mom is falling apart losing 3 kids. I’m trying to hold it together and keep her afloat through it all. All I can think is none of this makes sense and how long before my last sibling is taken from this earth. I thought one was hard, two was unbelievable, now this. I don’t get it. This isn’t how life was suppose to be.

    Anyways thanks for listening.

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    • Louise  August 4, 2020 at 4:15 pm Reply

      I know exactly what your going through iam going through it now

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  128. April  June 19, 2020 at 12:29 am Reply

    I lost my brother Jason March 24 2020 they found him floating In his favorite pond the 28 of March 2020. I am lost without him me and him was two peas in a pod we screwed up together we straightened up together we always made sure we heard from each other no madder what . we lived with each other every time we was down we made sure we was ok fought over frozen pizza and cussed every now and agian. Always made sure mama and daddy was ok and not sad or tried too . Always went to the porch when anyone came over he played the guitar I sang . loved to grill loved the music loved our whole famliy! Every single one ! We where born and raised in Georgia I’m 37 years old youngest of two brothers don 45 Jason 40 and me 37 the only girl. I adopted out two of my oldest girls because I couldn’t do it I had my first at 17 I just couldn’t do it alone or so I thought . drugs was a big part of my whole entire family’s life except for my oldest sibling he really showed us all how we are soppost to live he became a preacher a couple years ago made us all so proud and gave us something to fight for . we all look up to him and was always scared to tell him the full truth . why ? Because we knew he couldn’t understand that his heart was and is to pure for the devilish ways we had lived we wanted to protect him . we loved him to much to keep breaking his heart. He is a true pure good hearted man that we all respect. I just can’t seem to face reality that my baby brother is gone . I can’t believe he swallowed meth and died drowned in water! I believe the law did it and was out to stop him and others involved with him I believe there is more to it than what the report says come on people you can fly helicopters over a city but can’t go looking for a man you heard scream in a pond splashing standing beside his abandoned truck you just ran down with a door open and keys in the ignition!!! Im not done with this by a long shot. !!! There is to much not adding up like my brother wouldnt swallow dope and he also can swim and knows that pond like his way to the bathroom at night! He can swim like a sailor and knew how to float and hold on to a stump many out there! Why was there only one bare foot print in the field my brothers size foot with boot prints following it! Also later after the so called investigation lol or what they called an investigation with no yellow tape out around scene the original people that found him call me to tell me they found one shoe these shoes where nikie floaters they don’t sink there was no mud on them there was dry clay in the print of the bottom of shoe the other shoe not found after the so called search even though he was completely bare footed. I went to ask for report of the incident they claimed they had none the state patrol did . that was a lie . I finally got one from the sheriff’s office two day after by email humm think they doctored it up????!! Don’t know but know something stinks and they hated him also there is more to this than I can even think of but I will go to any links to know what’s really going on am I over reacting ?

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    • Charley  October 22, 2020 at 3:12 pm Reply

      April,
      Hey there ?

      I am a GA girl myself and I also lost my older brother in March. It wasn’t those exact circumstances but it was like I died that day too. Would you feel comfortable emailing me? If not we can reply on here. I can relate to your pain on so many levels.. especially since I know how the Georgia cops can be.
      It’s [EMAIL REMOVED]
      Any day or night. Hang in there.

      Charley

  129. Stephanie  June 10, 2020 at 11:55 pm Reply

    December 28, 2019, my beautiful sister died unexpectedly at the hospital. The day before she was rushed to the hospital struggling to breathe. They got her to the hospital gave her medication to which she responded to successfully. We all sat around her hospital room, my other sister, my children and my grandchildren. We laughed and joked….she was doing great! The doctor came in said everything was looking fine and said if all goes well she should be able to go home the next morning…maybe a day after that. Normally, we would never leave our love one overnight alone at the hospital but it was my husband’s birthday and though he had said he didn’t want to go out to eat unless she could go, we all went anyways because according to the doctor and to her, she was doing just fine. I awoke at 6something on the morning of Dec 28 to my daughter banging on the door “get dressed lets go something’s going on with Felicia” I immediately fell to my knees, then ran threw on clothes and slid down to the hospital (it was snowing). It was too late she was gone by the time I had made it. The doctor had no answers. He said he had no medical reason why she passed. He said she had an awesome night, woke up to go to the bathroom complained of a pain and died. I am so devastated, hurt , in pain. Trying to live life without her is unbearable as our family did everything together and I mean everything. Now the dynamics have changed…there is a puzzle piece missing, a piece of my life gone. I was told that she had told a cousin the night before that she didn’t want to die. She made that clear but yet no one of higher power heard or listened to her instead they took her from us. Now we are lost hiding behind out daily routines of life and suffering in silence. I have prayed for her to come to me in my dreams so that I know she is okay, but all the images I receive are of her crying, angry, upset, I have not received an image, dream, vision of her being settled or accepting. I need answers to why this is…….I’ve considered a medium because I need some answers. Thank you for allowing me to post my deep pain.

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  130. Amy  May 28, 2020 at 7:08 pm Reply

    Yesterday. My brother died. He was only 25. He died in his sleep. It was a normal morning or so we thought. My mom was screaming all of the sudden to get my dad because she found him in his bed with his lips blue and not breathing. My dad performed cpr on him but it didn’t work. They were both screaming and I was hiding in tiny spots screaming bloody murder thinking this isn’t real this isn’t real. My sister and other brother were here with us too. I prayed to God so hard asking for a miracle. But he passed away in his sleep. I feel so empty. I keep crying. We all keep crying. I have anxiety, I have depression, I don’t know how I’m going to live a normal life after I lost my brother, my best friend.

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    • Rainy p  August 11, 2020 at 7:47 pm Reply

      I lost my big brother the same way.. he was 21. My email is parkerrainy@gmail.com if you ever want to talk.

  131. Idk  May 27, 2020 at 3:42 pm Reply

    It’s heavy. It’s heavy a lot and to tell you the truth, I have no idea whatsoever as to when it will become light again.
    He isn’t here anymore. My 22 year old best friend and brother Miles. He is gone. He died on September 21,2020 because the cocaine he took had fetanol in it. I ache for him. The pain in my parents eyes is almost unbearable but the roles must be reversed for a while.
    I’m lost and I don’t know when I’ll be found again.

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  132. Ghazala Khan  May 24, 2020 at 6:47 pm Reply

    Hi everyone

    Are you all from USA as I noticed the time difference in the posts and most places mentioned as of USA. I am from UK

    GHAZALA

  133. Ghazala Khan  May 22, 2020 at 3:49 pm Reply

    My younger sister was 50 when she passed away from cancer just three months ago

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    • Jamie Herrera  July 15, 2020 at 3:13 am Reply

      Hello all my beautiful bereaved siblings,
      I’m so glad there is a post like this were many of you can share your sibling’s story with others who will understand. I lost my older brother a little of over 10 and a half years ago and it’s been a journey of mental illness and self growth since then. I have just made recent discoveries of my problem with perfectionism due to habits formed after my only sibling passed. I felt as though the only way to get my parents attention and to get them to hurt less is to be the “perfect” child that never did any wrong. But I was also dealing with severe depression and anxiety. I’m now finally able to identify these habits and I hope to work on them and teach myself that it was never my responsibility to cover for my brother. I wanted to pop on here and share a GREAT resource that has helped me in my grief since I was 6 months in. I believe it is also listed on the resources page that’s linked as well. My parents and I attended our first The Compassionate Friends National Conference before it had been a year since Jared passed. I have gone almost every year since then and have made so many friends who understand my grief through the sibling program. I’ve also run a workshop with a fellow TCF Sib where we talk about how we healed through our connections to each other. There are people who are bereaved like you who would LOVE to listen to your stories of your sibling. This year the conference was moved to an online format. But the sibling program does have a Facebook group (The Sounds of the Siblings, TCF Sibs) that you can post and get support through as well. You’ll have to request to join as they try and make sure that only bereaved siblings are in the group. Sending you all love. I hope this helps!

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      • Sally  August 10, 2020 at 8:42 pm

        Thank you Jamie, I will search for that Facebook page.

      • Veronica  December 2, 2020 at 11:07 am

        I lost my brother three weeks ago. He was taking antidepressants during 2 yrs I don’t really know how it started, it was on and of,, I always treated him as a normal person. during october he was feeling worse and his doctor prescribed him two other antidepressants.
        One day me and my mum left to do documents, when we came back home we found out he hanged himself.
        I wish he was here . It’s unexplainable. Feeling guilt anger and abandonment

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      • IsabelleS  December 3, 2020 at 12:20 pm

        Veronica, I’m truly so sorry for your loss. I cannot begin to imagine what you are feeling. It seems as though the way your brother died is making your grief all the more difficult. I recommend you check out these articles: https://whatsyourgrief.com/grieving-suicide-death/ and https://whatsyourgrief.com/guilt-and-grief-2/ Please know that everything you are feeling–your guilt, anger, and abandonment–is completely normal and valid. Be gentle with yourself.

  134. joel  May 22, 2020 at 1:54 pm Reply

    I lost my brother, age 37, in February. He was addicted to meth for 20 years. He had a heart attack in his bed, and he was cold when his 12-year old son found him. He struggled with his addiction but he was a good father and loved his sons as much as any parent I’ve ever known. He was the funniest, most charismatic person, and he very rarely let his numerous problems show. He masked his pain with drugs, and was ashamed of his addiction to the point that it kept him from getting help. if you know anyone who is addicted to something like this, tell them that they should not be ashamed. they deserve help. people love them and would die for them.

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  135. Cassie Wengler  May 21, 2020 at 5:40 pm Reply

    I lost my brother about 2 years ago in a motorcycle accident. I was helping a friend move in to her brothers house. Her brother happened to be my boyfriend at the time. I remember the call I got from my dad about my brother. I was in such shock I couldn’t speak. I arrived to the hospital with my aunt and grandma about an hour later. Before my parents had called me, they were at the hospital and were getting no answers. All the nurses were saying they didn’t have anybody in that name. Finally they found the floor he was sent to and they were able to call family with all the information. I remember walking through the doors of the waiting room with most of my family who were able to make it there before me just crying non stop. I had never felt the way I did that evening. My brother died a day after turning 23 and he died on the scene. Doctors and nurses thought they could revive them but he was already gone. We spent ours waiting for them to tell us something. Finally they called me, my parents, and my brothers girlfriend to another room. My dad stayed behind because he just couldn’t handle it by that point. I cried more than anybody there. I was drenched in my own tears practically. My mom and his girlfriend held it together enough to help me through it.
    After his funeral day (he was cremated so we just had a service for him) I had gone home and tried sleeping in his room to feel close to him. Worst decision I ever made. I was not ready for that. My best friend since pre-k ended up coming over at 1am to spend the night and share memories we had of him. It had helped me a lot and she still helps me in that way.

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  136. Barbra J  May 7, 2020 at 9:42 am Reply

    I recently lost my sister 2 3 20 just seven months after I lost my mother at 68 years old my mother was my everything losing her I experienced grief however losing my sister at just 48 years old unexpectedly on a Sunday evening I got to talk to her earlier that day and that I love her good grief at times unbearable. I know now I could have health care in many ways it’s because I am a Pisces and I know things it it’s common knowledge to me and my entire life is not everyone understood and things like I did including my sister.
    And it’s true I never knew the struggle and she faced I’m a little girl she loved her girls so much they were her reason to live all these things I. Read of others grief I have experienced. My sister, my rock, best friend,mentore when I was in need she was there no matter.
    Never asking for help until my mom pass my sister and my mom were closest in any of the other kids a near each other inside and out never had a day without each other. And my sistr grieve my mother like I grieve my sister.
    Sadly I didn’t understand what she was going through until she was gone the fact that it was so quick and unexpected massive heart attack. Anyway I’m grateful it was quick but that night she connected with me I can smell her I feel her and I knew the moment of her transition.
    A moment my life my brothers lights my niece’s life as all the hearts ever touched by her heart and kindness.
    My sister Patty we never say no or to anyone down if they were in need.
    That was her gift to look past any and all outside shell and see the truth and the person within.
    Sis always saw the heart of those she encountered a gift as well .
    Recently before she passed she’s got to me about mom telling her and she saw with her heart we heart It mom said it was her gift she cherished that so so much.
    As with my mother and my sister what is a giver gifter always wanting to help give hope be helpful she was my angel. A grief so fresh deep with my heart unlike any emotion I have ever experienced or knew I could experience.
    Thank you for this opportunity to share this bit. Be blessed

  137. Liz  May 6, 2020 at 12:28 pm Reply

    My twin sister died 7 months ago after losing her fight against a rare cancer she had. She only lasted 4 months in cancer treatment and later had a multitude of strokes that led her to be paralyzed on one side. She was too weak for surgery and she never wanted to rely on a machine to live so we took her home with hospice, she died a week later. We were only 16, she wanted to work for NASA, go to a good college, and settle down. She had big dreams. From most of my time grieving I felt empty, I sometimes still do but after therapy I felt better. It doesn’t hurt to talk about her but I still miss her. What is the most heartbreaking, is that I hear my older brother cry alone at night, my other brother struggle to get psychiatrist drugs for the depression he developed, and my parents seeking all assistance from God. A God I no longer believe in after she was gone, they tear up often at church. My older sister is doing good she was the strongest but that means she suffered the most.

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    • Amanda Palmer  July 14, 2020 at 10:46 pm Reply

      I feel for you so much. My little sister died July 10th 2020. Everyone called us twins. She was 31 and I am 33. We were as close as you could be. We did everything together. She was who everyone went to for problems or help. She was insanely funny and incredibly beautiful. We had so many inside jokes and dances. You have those conversations only you and a sister could have. She also had a rare cancer. She found out Feb 21st she had stage 4 cancer. Mayo clinic didnt know what it was and then they sent it to a place in Washington and no one knew what kind it was. Closest thing they could think was an angiosarcoma in heart, brain, lungs, abdomen. The chemo was too aggressive she had strokes, radiation worked for days and they grew right back. She decided to be on hospice and after 2 weeks she passed away. She left her son Noah (9yrs old). His dad isnt in the picture. I feel for him so much because he will never remember how amazing she was. It isnt fair losing a sister. Grandparents and even parents you expect but never a sister. Im sick of people telling me its gods plan because it makes no fucking sense.

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    • Mehdi  August 25, 2021 at 4:04 pm Reply

      I had a brother 8 years younger than me. I loved him much. I left my family to live alone in another city 5 years ago. He lived with them. A talented smart social boy, he was even my envy at times. After I left the family to work and live alone in another city, he started to miss me, but he only expressed it from time to time, as we talked a bit formal and manly to each other. He sometimes expressed lack of incentive for living in his messages and I supported him verbally to be strong and patient, as “everything will be alright”. I never really took his suicide memes seriously.
      I checked on the family once in about six months. Last time I did it in mid-March.
      My brother was not as happy and vivid as he used to be. I attributed that to a recent instance of a series of parental arguments that were normal in our house and didn’t talk to him about it. Even when he told me that”You have left us to die here” I took it for granted and said “there are so many sorrows here, that can kill me in a week if I stay”. I was very stupid and negative.

      He even gifted me some of his possessions, and told me “my bed will be yours”. I was working on a project and considered all such words as childish attention seeking behaviors. I was so stupid that I thought I know his problem and that’s small, not bothering to even ask and listen.

      After two weeks stay, I said goodbye to him and the family. That night he told me his hard disk password, which made me angry. “Don’t be so weak man. There have been many people in much harder conditions but they succeeded” again, I didn’t ask his issues. He gave me a ride to the bus that night. We made a cold farewell and 1.5 days later on April 5 around noon I was called my dad telling my brother has jung himself. I was nearly choked when I heard it. I couldn’t believe it. I could not even imagine death for him that’s why I didn’t talk to him about it, but now he had died. I could have easily prevented that by talking.
      I have been crying for the last five months and thinking about suicide several times. I can’t live in a world without my little brother. He was only 24. I see myself as the person who caused his depression in the first place, and the person who neglected the most saving him.
      I see no justice other than taking my own life. He was tall, healthy, strong, and deserved to live more than I do. He lived to have a family one day.

      This might seem contradicting in parts, but I summarized it. I have been very stupid and negligent about my family.
      I have been blaming my father for talking bitter to him, or his military draft’s PTSD for the incident, but I am finding by reading his messages of these 5 years that he really missed me and was alone. Maybe he punished me by taking himself as he knew I loved him.

      I haven’t had a good night sleep since his death, always remembering his body on the forensics table and how he was wrapped in white and put in a dark tight grave.
      Sometimes I dream of him, sometimes smiling sometimes upset with me.

      Believe me, I could not even imagine good death because I loved him so much. He was my best friend and brother. We used to joke and laugh a lot, except the last time when I was more focused on a work project.
      I have a headache sometimes, and indulge in addictive behaviors to soothe the pain sometimes.
      Thanks for reading and sorry for being too verbose. I hope your stay healthy with your loved ones.

  138. Kathy  May 6, 2020 at 11:47 am Reply

    April 13th will be the five year anniversary of my big brother’s death. I still mourn him. I miss him. He killed himself. I don’t know why. I’m sorry I couldn’t save him.

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    • Madalin  October 8, 2020 at 11:25 pm Reply

      Hi Kathy,
      My brother recently just took his life less than a month ago. He was my little baby brother, and I just don’t know why I couldn’t save him. I would’ve pulled him out of any hole or done anything for him. Does it get easier? I know it’ll never be easy, and I’ll always miss him. I just need to know if the hurt will ever get lighter.

      • Alison  February 3, 2021 at 1:55 am

        My baby brother took his life just 6 weeks ago and he didn’t told me about his depression. I’m still a bit upset his didn’t let me know. His death still feels unreal. There are good days and bad days, today is a bad day, I miss him a lot.

      • Isabelle Siegel  February 4, 2021 at 10:50 am

        Alison, I’m so very sorry for your loss. Please know that it’s completely normal to have good and bad days. Give yourself the space to feel whatever it is you need to feel. All the best to you.

  139. Hayley  April 30, 2020 at 12:47 pm Reply

    I’m 40 this year, my brother was 36 when he was killed on New Years Eve 2019, he was knocked off his motorbike. This has completely crushed me, it sent me to a place of grief where I felt i was drowning in my thoughts and feelings. We had not been in touch for the last 5 years. But that wasn’t to say we didn’t love each other, we just chose different lives. This last year my brother was choosing to have a better life and I was ready to acknowledge his achievements and rebuild our relationship but sadly that chance was taken away. The shock of loosing my brother turned me inside out and my body seemed to want to shut down. Luckily I have had amazing support from family and friends who have helped me recover and get through this. I also lost my dear Grandma 18 months ago to cancer which shattered me and my family..She was the most amazing lady. I understand there are diseases and that accidents happen , which I believe God did not create.. we do. God doesn’t want us to suffer and so our bodies are able to deal with the 5 stages of grief at our own pace. Some days are harder than others and the harder days eventually start to reduce. Writing this today is a step forward for me. Life must go on and I will for my brother and Grandparents get back to enjoying the beauty and gift of life.

  140. C  April 12, 2020 at 11:20 pm Reply

    My sister died on Friday, April 10th 2020 after a long fight with breast cancer. She was 45. It hurts so bad inside, like my grief is trying to crawl out of me through my tears. She was my half-sister, and we only met once in the 90s when I was a little girl. Because our family has a lot of bad blood, we only were able to really communicate in the last few years, after she was diagnosed and I had cut ties with toxic family that had kept us apart. Turns out we had a lot in common, and I felt like I was finally getting to have her in my life. It was a bittersweet time. I was reluctant to let myself get too close, because my experience with our family relationships has not been very positive. But it has really hit me these past couple of days how much she meant to me, and how much I looked up to her. Our pain was shared, our love for each other and our other siblings was mutual. Even though the was a sixteen year gap between us, and we lived multiple states from each other, it felt like she had always been there waiting for the right time to tell me how much she cared.
    Now that she is gone, I feel gutted, but also guilty for being heartbroken when her mom, aunt, our brother and her daughter were with her through this whole process and I was not. They truly knew her, and have the right to mourn deeply. But I am not just grieving her death. I’m grieving the missed opportunities, the years of misunderstanding, the time that slipped through our fingers. I’m deeply aware that I’ll never get to make new memories with her, will never spend time with her in person, won’t get to say I love you and I’m sorry ever again. I’m so bitter, but trying to be grateful for the time we had.
    Anna, I love you so much. Don’t worry about me, I’m strong like you, it’s in our blood. In my heart you’ll always be the most beautiful woman my child eyes had ever seen. I’ll never stop admiring your courage. I can only try to honor your love by staying true to myself, no matter what. I still feel your love. Thank you for being my sister.

  141. Britney  April 10, 2020 at 12:12 pm Reply

    It is coming up on the 4 year anniversary since my big brother passed away. He was 34 years old and was taken by cancer. So many things in this article and comments have made me feel less alone. I do feel as though my grief and loss are less important than his two kids, aged 20 and 7 now, and his wife, and our parents, and even his other half sister because I felt like he and her were so much closer. However my grief and loss is real, too, and it hits me hard sometimes from some of the most random things. (Gosh just writing this has me in tears) I am left with feeling guilt that I didn’t call him more or go see him more. I feel guilty and selfish that I am upset that he wont be there to help me when our parents pass away. I know that I won’t be completely alone in that I will have my husband and amazing sister in law, but it’s not the same. I looked up to him for my entire life and thought he was the coolest person ever and now it kills me that he never got to meet my two kids, his niece and nephew. And I know it’s weird, but I then feel so guilty complaining about that when his sister wont get to have him at her upcoming wedding, or his daughter wont get to have him walk her down the aisle or see her graduation. His son was so little when he passed and is missing him through all of his years growing up. His parents shouldn’t have had to lose him. It’s just not right to have to go through the loss of your child. And his wife to have to lose her partner who would have shared their whole life together. It kills me inside how unfair it all is. But one thing that has helped me is that he isn’t hurting anymore. The last month or so he was in so much pain, all I wanted to do was take it for him. And I feel that the hurt I feel now is God’s or the universe’s way of granting my wish. I will gladly feel the pain of his loss for the rest of my life so that he can be without that pain. I wish I had told him how much he meant to me and how I admired and looked up to him. He was such an incredible and talented and kind and fun person to be around. I am so blessed and thankful that I got to have the time with him I did have. I am beyond thankful and blessed that he made me an aunt to those two phenomenal kids who I love with all my heart. They both keep him alive in being a part of him, and that’s a beautiful thing. He also gave me a big sister, who is just so amazing and strong and kind. She even through her own grief has helped me with everything in so many ways. She and her Mom made pillows out of some of his shirts and hoodies. She and my Niece got my two babies these beautiful wall hangings about how their uncle is their guardian angel. I am also so very thankful for the support from my husband who has been my rock through all of it. And he was grieving the loss of a brother as well. Like the article says, any loss strikes multitudes of people and we have to come together to support and console each other. Each and every one of us experience something different in loss, and we need to understand that. Hopefully someone will read my story and feel a little less alone, too. Hugs to everyone out there who needs one.

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  142. Molly McGuire  April 10, 2020 at 11:04 am Reply

    Thank you for this article. I have felt alone in my grief a lot. I lost my sister 5 years ago. She was 51. We were very close. My parents were in their 80’s and died a couple of years after my sister. The part in the article about the need to build new support systems resonated with me.

  143. Susan  April 9, 2020 at 1:21 am Reply

    I lost my older brother a week ago, he went to sleep and never woke up, he was 44, I’m heartbroken and miss him so much. He was my best friend as well as brother. I wish there was something I could have done to help him get his health sorted out this might never have happened. I feel selfish for wanting him to still be here with me, it’s been hard for me to accept that He is gone, I can feel his presence, I’m sorry, I love you, please forgive me, thank you

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    • Debby  August 10, 2020 at 1:21 am Reply

      I lost my brother in less than three weeks a go, he was 44yrs old! the pain is uberable!I am broken into pieces not sure what to do!

  144. Mary Mohammed  April 5, 2020 at 11:28 pm Reply

    I lost my brother to leukemia when he was only 16 years old, 2 years ago, and still can’t sometimes fathom that he is really gone, and will not see، talk, argue, fight or just being with him, it still breaks my heart when I think about him، see pictures or just anything that reminds me of him . I love him so much and wish that I can talk to him one more time, and ask him to forgive me if I have wronged him or saddened him or just anything, I love You so Much little brother and wish to only have a moment or two with, to tell you how much I adore, love and cherish you. Love You now and beyond xxx, I just watched your funeral and broke down by myself in the dark. I love you so much

  145. Elyse  April 5, 2020 at 3:37 pm Reply

    I lost my little brother on March 28, 2020. He passed away in our family home. Surrounded by loved ones. He was only 29 years old. My husband and I did CPR for 10 minutes waiting for the ambulance to arrive. EMT’s arrived and continued to try and get a heart rhythm back . I’m devastated at this loss. It’s not fair. I can’t fathom living life without him. His laugh, his voice… hearing his footsteps. I feel so guilty. I couldn’t do my only job as a big sister, I couldn’t protect him- I couldn’t make this better for him. I miss him so much.

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  146. Heartbroken  March 15, 2020 at 1:46 am Reply

    I lost my brother, yesterday, 26 hours ago. I’m so heartbroken and lost. He was only 42 years old and didn’t have one enemy. He never turned his back on me even when others did. There wasn’t anything I couldn’t tell him.

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    • Kristy  March 16, 2020 at 11:26 am Reply

      Saddest news. I’m so deeply sorry. Your brother is a part of you forever. You will meet him again xox

    • Lonely One  March 27, 2020 at 3:38 pm Reply

      I know how you feel. My brother passed away March 24, 2020. I’m still crying. We were so close, talking on the phone or texting every day just to check in. How can he not exist any more?

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    • Debby  August 10, 2020 at 1:23 am Reply

      Wow! your brother sounds like mine very joyful person! no enemies ! anhh

  147. CheriJo  March 2, 2020 at 12:02 am Reply

    I didn’t know what I would find when I googled, “my brother died 40 years ago.” I found a place to put the incredible sadness I’ve felt all day. Some anniversaries are harder than others. This one has really thrown me. Today is Sunday, and it was a Sunday morning when my mom called and told me to come to the house. I was 21 at the time. When I arrived, I found out my brother had died in a car accident. He had been drinking and he was 20 years old. I really appreciated the article and the validation around feeling like my feelings weren’t allowed to be felt. My parents literally fell apart. It felt as though I not only lost my brother, but also my parents, as they closed ranks in order to survive. I was left to take care of the details that must be tended to when someone dies. My relationship with my parents, fractured and has been permanently changed. Every time we are together, the realization that my brother isn’t with us is palpable, although my parents seldom talk about him. As I get older, I miss him more. I feel an incredible longing for him. I’m so envious of people with siblings. Thank you.

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    • Charley  September 7, 2020 at 11:13 pm Reply

      Hello,

      Just wow. Everything you said was like I wrote it. I was 16 when my 26 year old brother died in an alcohol related car crash. I wasn’t sure my dad would survive it. He was hospitalized for suicide/depression etc. on more than one occasion. It’s been 14 years and lately I’ve been feeling it like it was yesterday. He was everything to me and I still feel him every single day. Lately I’ve also been feeling much more resentment about others with siblings because of what they take for granted. I would kill to have some of those problems with my brother that they claim are so awful. Sending you love. ❤️

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  148. Somewhere far  February 26, 2020 at 8:25 am Reply

    It’s very hard for me to be open right now and share my story. Initially I had googled how to get over the anger of someone killing your sibling. And I stumbled across this website. But I felt maybe if I do I will feel better. I doubt it but it is worth a try. At the moment I feel lost and confused. I just feel sad and hurt. I feel nobody around me understand how I feel. I find it very hard to express myself because everyone is in a hurry. Nobody really makes to time to just hold a deep conversation so I never have a chance to really go deep. But I wish I could. I lost one of my brothers at the age of 16. I am now 24. This was just a year before I lost my father. So this was devastating. I’ll never forget being alone at my aunts. Scrolling on Facebook and finding out his death on Facebook. It kills me to even think about it but I have to. My brother was shot in the head along with his best friend. He was set up by his first cousin. He paid a person they both were close to at the Time to kill them both. Nobody has yet been arrested and I now understand no justice will be served. But it usually isn’t. I have a lot of anger in me that I hide. More so pain. I am hurt. Mainly because these were people we trusted. Slept in our home. They were all so close.
    And you set him up? I am heart broken. And till this day fearful that I may run into them. I have not yet recovered from that lost. Fast forward to a few years later at the age of 21 I lost my other brother to a accidental overdose. Fentanyl and alcohol. I had just saw him that morning and told him I’d see him when I get home from work. I never saw him when I got home from work. The hospital called my mom and asked her if she could come in the hospital and identify a phone. We knew what that meant. I’ll never forget actually driving to the hospital. I was on the phone With someone that worked there maybe a doctor I’m not sure. And I just remember asking over and over again. Please tell me if he’s alive. They said to just come in they wouldn’t tell me so I kept asking then they finally said he was dead. Just let Iike that “He’s dead” my body was in complete shock. I have no control over it. I couldn’t stop shaking. Heartbroken. I had to be strong for my mom in that hospital. On top of his gf being there faking as if she was pregnant crying and causing a scene and we believed it. We were vulnerable. and she knew that. Again heartbroken. On top of finding out he was with friends and they just dropped him off at the hospital and left him. Or that they could have called 911 and he could of been alive today. I have not yet grieved over any of those deaths. My dad nor my brothers. Now I am 24 and I just lost my mother to cancer 8 months ago. It is only me left. And right now in this moment. I just want to run away. I want to run away from this pain and life. It has been so so hard. And I just want one person to look at me and understand strong people get tired too. I am so tired. I appear strong to family and friends. The whole world. But only if they knew what lays beneath the surface. Only if they took the tome out and understood even though I’m acting distant I don’t need any space. Even though I smile and joke and laugh I am dying inside. Literally. I feel my heart dying. I am trying each day to do my best and make something out of myself. But I am losing hope. It may just be a weak moment because I know I can not give up. I want so much for myself. But I’m angry. I’m so so so angry. Anyone who reads this I know you don’t know me but I ask that you please pray for me. Because I desperately need it. I’m not sure what the universe has planned for me. I just will keep taking each day a step at a time. I can write a book about my life but I just wonder who would care enough to read? Or will I even be alive to finish the story. I’m not sure

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    • Chantelle’s sister  March 27, 2020 at 12:34 am Reply

      I prayed for you tonight. Exactly one month later. I hope you are okay, whoever you are & wherever you are. I’m 25 years old and I lost my 30 year old sister 3 weeks ago. I’m so angry. I have dealt with loss before. Distant relatives and many friends. I thought I knew what grief was. I had no idea. I feel guilty every second that I’m not crying, which is rare. If I laugh or smile at something, I then think “how dare I laugh, my sister is dead”. Like somehow if I’m not falling apart for even one second of the day it means I don’t love her. Like she is going to think she’s not important to me. I avoided any pictures of her obituary for a few days. I was just afraid of the agony I would feel when I’m forced to see its real. She died of congestive heart failure. At 30 years old..3 kids and a husband left behind. She had an infection going on for years that no one knew about. So naturally I blamed every doctor she’s ever seen for her death. Because if I don’t have someone to blame then I blame god. I can’t help but be angry at god. It’s funny I always believed in heaven but now that my sister is gone it seems too good to be true. Because I want that for her so bad. I’m so afraid to get my hopes up that I’ll see her there one day. Reading these comments honestly helped me tonight, and so did writing this. “Somewhere far”, I hope you are okay tonight. & I hope somehow you get to read this.

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    • Tammy Moore  April 7, 2020 at 3:39 am Reply

      There are no words for your pain. The only thing that will get you through this is your faith! First of all you need to remember you want to live, you just don’t know how to live with this pain! I promise you… if you sit down , close your eyes ( Let the tears fall) say to God even if you’ve never prayed. Lord, please heat my prayer. I don’t understand why or how but I am silent at your feet and put my pain in your hands.. please forgive me of my trespasses and carry me! Tell him you are nothing without his strength. Tell him how angry, sad, confused and questing life in general. The only relief you can get is my talking to God! He will carry you and ease the suffering or at least help you to know how to combat trigger feelings! You are very fragile, rightfully so! You need a team mate for those times it just needs to be heard. I can’t d rn day that anyone could understand your pain, this is a lot to endure one person. But, you must live!!! You must go on!! There is more for you I promise. You will never be able to breath deeply again unless you inhale the sweetness of God! 5 years ago started a series of bad events in my life as well! Suicide, betryl, stealing, all kinds of in fathomable events! I couldn’t cope but had a 10&12 year old and knew I couldn’t go anywhere! Felt like can’t live and can’t die, what the hell is this?? I did just this. And every time I start to feel a wave of emotion I confront it and speak to the Lird ( or whoever you have faith in) if aim I. The shower I close me eyes quickly and began to pray. Just talk like your taking to your best friend! It will start to trigger a feeling of being carried and trust. He will not let you down! You can never give up though! Lie is not what happens to us it’s what happens FOR us!!! Only you can help yourself dismantle these feelings and categorize your thoughts and feeling! Write them on a piece of paper!! When you confront your feeling and dismantle you can start to understand and therefore start to live again. You can do this.. I will pray for you and for your strength! All the best….

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  149. Joseph Kerr  February 23, 2020 at 12:32 am Reply

    I lost my sister a year and a half ago. Today, I came across a photo of her on Facebook and it’s really messed me up. My sister had a long struggle with substance abuse, which I never judged as we were both raped/molested by an uncle. However, I left her. I needed to separate myself from the whole family so that I was okay. Looking back it may not have been the best decision but it is the only thing I knew how to do to be happy. You see my uncle who raped my sister and me was still around all of the time (my family told me that I should get over it, or what did I expect them to do since he was their relative too). Well, I stopped talking to her because I didn’t want to be around her addiction and the family situation. Well, about 2 years old I was told by my mother that she was in jail, even though my mother did not visit her there. She was in jail for prostitution. I visited her there and wrote her a letter. She told me to make sure to take care of her kids for her. Well, she was released shortly thereafter (she was in jail for a few months) and she died of a drug overdose. I don’t know what state of mind she was in. I keep thinking about whether she was sad and lonely – and that she did it on purpose. That she was saying goodbye to me when I last saw her. I feel really sad and guilty. I wish I wasn’t so selfish and I could of told her that I loved her. This picture I found of her was during a time that I wasn’t talking to her. I wish I knew what her life was like then – was she happy? was she sad? was she alone? I don’t know but it kills me that she could of been sad and I wasn’t there for her. It’s so unfair that she had to go through so many awful things and I wasn’t there to tell her that I loved her. I don’t know if I will I will be ever able to figure myself. I just can’t help but think about my sister feeling like she was alone in the world and no one cared about her.

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  150. Alanna  February 15, 2020 at 5:16 pm Reply

    This has been such a beautiful thread to read. I am so thankful for all of the stories and compassion. It is sad to be here, but what a beautiful community of people. So much love.

    I lost my little sister one month ago tomorrow. She passed unexpectedly on January 16th, around 10 30 in the morning, at only 21 years old. Grief is a feeling I could have never imagined. The full belly wail of a noise your body produces is frightening.
    I know I will have a lot to work through, and the idea of this sadness weighing my heart down for the rest of my life is overwhelming.

    There is guilt, anger, and regret. I cared for her in a way she felt my mother couldn’t. I was desperately trying to hold her hand and cheer her on while she threw herself full throttle into recovery – any kind of recovery – but she simply wasn’t ready to find in herself reasons to live and be happy. I think of all of the times we went to the hospital, to detox groups, to CAMH, the time I called the police on her. Her pain was so complicated. It was compounded trauma, abandonment, addiction, a never availing anxiety, sleep depravation. She got to the point where I don’t think she could make it through the morning without drinking. The what ifs are overwhelming.

    The hardest part about all of this is that she didn’t mean to go. Her heart simply stopped. I am sure it was due to the stress her body was under from her relentless substance use, but maybe it was also in part because of how much she had been able to eat that week, how much water she had been able to drink, how many hours of sleep she had been lucky to have. All we have gotten from the forensic scientists is “inconclusive”.

    Her anxiety riddled her with fears of dying. She often spoke about how she was afraid to fall asleep, or afraid of slipping in the shower. She often begged me to come keep her company. Of course life is cruel, and in the way of paying rent I wasn’t always available. I was tired. We had been working through this for a long time. I think a part of me thought she was invincible. My job as a front line worker also had me thinking that she was going to be okay – there was so much love and support, so many resources, so many services. She was lucky. We were all so lucky.

    The worst bit is that she was my best friend. Though I suppose this is also the best bit. I loved her so fucking much. We shot the shit together, she made me goofy, her smile was so incredibly infectious and her laugh was so beautiful. I hated how much she was on her phone, but now I am so thankful. I am so thankful to be able to watch clips of her laughing, doing “the floss” furiously, rollerskating with her friends, and even shoving me into the ocean after having tried to pose for a photo that never happened.

    I find myself really terrified of forgetting all of the little things that made her so beautiful. She was so annoying, the sort that made my eye twitch sometimes, but so loving and so kind. Her company was and is like nothing else in the whole world. Two summers ago we went to Peru together, hiked through mountains for almost a week, and finally arrived at the “money shot” spot in the ruins of Machu Picchu. It was overcrowded, loud, and full of all of the worst tourist types. And so we left as soon as we could. I have said to a few people when we speak about her that nothing quite says that you’ve lived more than hiking with blistered and bloody toes to a World Wonder only to leave early out of annoyance.

    I find myself talking to her a lot. I have spent a month hugging her shirt on the couch, ignoring the world. It is going to be weird trying to get back into a routine. Nothing quite feels worth it, nothing makes much sense. I just have to keep reminding myself how much she loved me.

    Again, thank you for all of these stories. It means more than any of you could know.

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  151. Stephanie P  February 1, 2020 at 3:18 am Reply

    I lost my younger brother January 28, 2018 to a tragic and unexpected overdose in his own bedroom. Our older sister and mom found him. I was 7 months pregnant at the time. He was 25 and I had just turned 27. We were only 18 months apart. Our entire childhood, we were inseparable. He was my best friend and the one person I could depend on and trust with anything. We fought ALL the time but it was because we were so close. As we became adults we were still close, always lived under the same roof until I moved out because I had children. He would watch my kids so I could work, before I had daycare. I knew he was struggling about a year before he died with substance abuse. He had stolen from me when I was pregnant a few times and it killed me but I always forgave him. He knew the pin to my debit card, because that’s how close we were and I always trusted him up until he stole. His addiction happened so fast and my mom was in denial. She didn’t think her only son had a problem. He was her youngest and he could do no wrong. I work in substance abuse and mental health. My brother knew this. He just never had the chance to get help and I blame myself for not doing something about it. I was so mean and hard on him about his addiction but to clients I work with who suffer the same as him, I showed more compassion for. How awful is that?! It doesn’t make any sense to me. His death never leaves my head, not even for a minute. His 2 year anniversary just passed a couple days ago but regardless of that, it had never left my head. It’s all I think about. Even when I’m at work, watching tv, doing my regular mommy duties, or even when I get up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom, it’s what I’m thinking about. This is not normal. I’ve gone to therapy but it’s been a while but I start going again in a couple days actually. I know my grief is different than my parents and my 2 other siblings. My mom has been a wreck ever since. Her and I share similar grief and she can’t help me because of how bad her grief is. She knows how bad I’m suffering but she feels helpless. Her and I even went and saw a spirit medium together to get some closure which did help because before that I was constantly worrying about where he was and if he was scared and alone. I knew my brother was afraid to die and it killed me not knowing if he was okay. My dad and brother had a complicated relationship and my dad feels a lot of regret but he seems to deal with my grief pretty well and my step dad acts like everything is fine. I never once saw him cry. He’s been in our lives since we were 9 and 10 years old. He’s been a huge part in raising us. It’s crazy how everyone deals with it differently and I’ve been hanging on by a thread for the last 2 years. I gave birth shortly after he passed and I already had a 5 year old and 1 year old. I was in a very fragile state. It’s almost like I’m obsessed with him being gone. When he died, it’s like he took part of me with him and I’m not the same person anymore. I’m lost and everyday I’m just living and carrying on with my daily routine of working and being a mom but I’m not happy and I know it’s because he’s gone and I feel an emptiness and I feel like I could’ve helped him more and I blame myself..

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  152. Shawn's Sister  January 25, 2020 at 8:27 pm Reply

    12,965 days on Earth. When I live another tomorrow, it will be 1 more than my oldest sister did, and the next day another one more, and so on.

    It’s a milestone of grieving that I wasn’t sure exactly what would mean but I knew I hated it and dreaded it and was so compelled to triangulate it to the day. God I’m glad it’s finally here and over, I feel freed from the shackles of this arbitrary time limit I had imposed upon myself (and her). Up to this point I’ve been tracing my sister’s trajectory and ending at this sort of dead end where there’s no longer a precedent for a day in her life that I could traverse. I used up the last of her 12,965 days.

    It took getting here with no plan to devise a plan. So now I get to take her on my own path. Each day starting with +1 (tomorrow) is my gift to her, showing her what comes next and celebrating new milestones with her. I don’t have to live anymore behind a depressing, expiring clock. Now each day is fresh. I’m her host, and I take the lead with pride.

    I’ll never forget the 5,042 days (13 years, 9 months and 19 days) I lived without Shawn and being her baby sister. That’s the same amount of days she lived without me before I was born, so we’re equal now. And now I’m ready to continue on.

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  153. Rebecca  January 22, 2020 at 7:27 pm Reply

    I lost my big brother 4 days after Christmas 12/29/19. We had so much hope for 2020 being the best year ever, little did I know he would never see it. He was my brother, my father. my best friend rolled into one. I am only here today because he always looked out for me and made sure we stayed together. We were moved from foster home to foster home to an orphanage and then adopted. I was 81/2 and he was10. They tried to separate us, but at age 6 he asked for an attorney and fought to keep us together. He was the closest person to me and I am beyond devastated. We survived a lot of things because we were together and now it’s just me, I can’t even process that. I always new everything would be ok as long as I had him. He came to my senior prom because I had just broken up with my boyfriend and didn’t want to go, he went with a friend of mine and we had a blast. He was in my wedding, god father to my children and I’m god mother to his. We were inseparable and now I have to live the rest of my life with out him. He was 46, I’m completely devastated and in shock. He was the strongest person I knew. Literally he carried a solid oak pool table up a hill by himself. I don’t know how to cope with this.

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  154. Aina feyisayo  January 18, 2020 at 5:33 am Reply

    Today makes it 18 days i lost my br