Grieving the Death of a Sibling

Understanding Grief / Understanding Grief : Eleanor Haley


The other day I asked our Facebook community to suggest resources for people who’ve experienced the death of a sibling.  Although some were able to make recommendations, many were quick to point out their struggle to find help and support for their loss.  One reader even said she dubbed herself the “forgotten mourner” after finding sibling grief was so often overlooked in the support world.  Now, we can’t have that!

Obviously, this is just a post and it doesn’t substitute for dedicated organizations, movements, or other types of support – but it’s a start. Whatever you are able to contribute to the conversation in the comments and on social media, please do. The more voices we have speaking on the subject, the more supported and cared for other grieving siblings will hopefully feel.

This post is long, but the last thing we want to do is create another resource that is overgeneralized and unhelpful. At the end of the post, we’ll link to a resource page with suggestions for locating support locally and online.  Got it? Good. Okay, let’s talk about some of the reasons why the death of a sibling (at any age) is really stinking hard.


Feelings and Emotions

You may be experiencing grief over the death of your sibling if you feel any of the following –shock, numbness, sadness, despair, loneliness, isolation, difficulty concentrating, forgetfulness, irritability, anger, increased or decreased appetite, fatigue or sleeplessness, guilt, regret, depression, anxiety, crying, headaches, weakness, aches, pains, yearning, worry, frustration, detachment, isolation, questioning faith – to name a few.

Okay, so those things aren’t specific to sibling grief, however, they might be experienced differently by someone grieving a brother or sister. For example:

You feel guilty because…

…you are the sibling that survived.

…you knew your sibling inside and out and yet you didn’t know about the struggles or hardships that led to their death.

…you weren’t able to protect them.

…there are things you wish you had said, but didn’t

You feel anxiety because…

…you know how fragile life is.

…you’re worried you may die in the same way as your sibling.

…you’re worried others in your family may die.

You feel lonely because…

…although you’re surrounded by people, you miss the one person who you could truly be yourself with.

I could go on, but the important thing is to understand that your feelings are unique and important. Good, bad, or anywhere in-between, your relationship with your brother or sister was different than anyone else’s and so you’ll experience hurdles, triggers, and hardships that others may not.

Your parents, siblings, and other family members may grieve in many of the same ways that you do, but in many ways, their grief may differ.  It’s important to remember this because misunderstandings can arise amongst family members when people react differently in response to a death.  It’s also important for people supporting bereaved siblings to keep this in mind so they can help validate and support the griever’s feelings and experiences.

 

Overshadowed Grief

This is just a guess, but I suspect a lack of sibling grief resources exists because sibling grief is often overshadowed. People simply cannot fathom the out-of-order-ness of a parent having to bury a child, so when this is the case their thoughts and concerns often immediately go to the parent’s grief.

Parents themselves may not be able to effectively attend to their children’s grief and outside family and friends may be hesitant to step in and offer support or suggestions.  It might also be true that support and attention are first given to siblings who are younger or who are perceived to be more fragile. In a situation where any or all of these things are true, a grieving sibling may end up feeling as though other people’s grief is more important than their own.

This may be confounded by the fact that some people willingly allow their grief to go unnoticed by themselves or others. Raise your hand if you’re the sibling who feels like it’s your job to take care of and support the rest of the family.  After a death, some siblings might quickly step in to take care of their younger children and/or their parents because they feel it’s their role or duty. 

Sometimes this happens out of necessity, sometimes avoidance, sometimes expectation, and sometimes all of the above. It is important for all members of the family to recognize that no one’s grief should take complete precedence. Although family members might take turns supporting one another, at one point or another everyone’s grief deserves attention and needs to be attended to.


Changes in Family Dynamics and Support Systems

Families – functional or dysfunctional – often operate according to a set of norms, roles, traditions, and patterns. Each person has their place in the family system, so things can get thrown off balance when someone in the family dies. An important person is gone, and those who survive them are sometimes unable, unwilling, or disinterested in filling that person’s role(s) or carrying out traditions and patterns as they have in the past.

Shifting family dynamics can lead to the weakening of support systems. Parents and siblings who are grieving may be of less, little, or no help. If a person’s support system largely consists of family (which is often the case for children and teens), they may find they’re facing one of the hardest periods of their life without a safety net.

The support system may also be weakened if the person who died was an important source of support for surviving siblings. This may be true at any age, but if the death happens when the siblings are in older adulthood, the person who died may have been one of the surviving sibling’s few living family members

For all these reasons and others, it is common for people to have to reassess their support system in the wake of loss and to seek out additional help while coping with their grief.

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Comparisons and Expectations

You are special and you are wonderful (come on…you know you are). You have no one to live up to besides yourself, your goals, and your own potential.

Okay, I just wanted to say that as a reminder to anyone who feels like they’re living in the shadow of a deceased sibling. Feeling compared or overshadowed is common after the death of a sibling, and (although you may be hesitant to admit it) this experience can result in feelings of resentment or anger towards family and/or the person who died.

If this sounds like you, the first thing we recommend you do is to ask yourself, “Who is making me feel this way?”  If the answer is your parents or other family members, then the next thing you might do is try to communicate with your family about how you feel. This might seem like a scary task because you don’t want to rock the boat or make anyone feel worse in their grief. If this is the case, or if you think your concerns will fall on deaf ears, you might want to consider talking to a counselor about how to approach the situation or enlist the help of a family counselor to work with the family as a whole.

Now, you may find that you yourself are responsible for comparisons and expectations. This might happen for a number of reasons including insecurity, guilt, or the feeling that you need to pick up where your sibling left off.  If you think you might be the source of comparison, then some serious self-reflection is probably needed.

Acknowledging the truth of the situation is a good start, you’re in even better shape if you can identify why this is happening.  As you search for answers, you might find it’s helpful to spend time in reflection, journaling, or talking to a trusted confidant, support group member(s), or counselor.

 
 

Missed Opportunities

When a person dies, you are not only robbed of their physical presence in the here and now, but you (and they) also lose the chance to spend your tomorrows together. Your life after their death becomes filled with thoughts of “if only”, ” we would have”, and “I wish.”

This is obviously the case for missed opportunities in the future; the happy moments you wish you could have spent together like weddings, graduations, births, adventures, and family get-togethers. We talk a lot about how to handle these moments here and here and here. However, missed opportunities are also felt when people wish they could make up for all they didn’t do while the person was alive. For example, taking the chance to say “I love you”, “I’m sorry”, “I forgive you” and “I care”. 


You miss the hell out of them

Sibling relationships obviously vary in their degrees of closeness, love, and amicability.  Some siblings may be thick as thieves, others wonder whether they’re even really related.  Regardless, siblings are our ties to family bonds.  They have known us the longest. They understand our history and are the people with whom we have the longest running jokes.

They are our bridesmaids and our groomsmen. They are our children’s aunts and uncles.  They bail us out when we’re in trouble, they loan us money, and then we loan it back.  They are the most judgmental people we know.  They are the most accepting and loving people we know.  Siblings can never be replaced and when they are gone we miss the hell out of them.


As promised, you can find help locating sibling grief support on this page. Please comment below and share your experience with the death of a sibling and/or recommended resources.

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887 Comments on "Grieving the Death of a Sibling"

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  1. Shelley  November 6, 2021 at 9:52 pm Reply

    I lost my sister/my best friend 25 years ago. I still can’t get over it. I believe that her husband had a hand in it. He was very abusing. I hate him. Since then I have went thru cancer fibromyalgia neuropathy lupus thrombosis and 2 strokes. Still trying to figure out why the heck am I here ?? Ready to end it.

    • Litsa  November 9, 2021 at 7:12 pm Reply

      Shelley . . . please know that many people struggle to make sense of why they are here without someone who meant everything to them (a sibling or otherwise). But there is always help and support and often these thoughts are the deepest and worst parts of grief and depression lying to us and making us feel that there is no hope. Please call the suicide helpline if you are thinking of hurting yourself – 1-800-273-8255.

  2. Bree  September 27, 2021 at 5:13 pm Reply

    Hello!
    I am apart of a non profit called Siblings of Murdered Siblings. we started as a small group on Facebook which has grown. It’s a special group of people supporting each other in a journey not everyone understand.

    Please let me know if we can be a help to you or anyone else!

    • Earlana  October 30, 2021 at 4:22 am Reply

      When I was 7 years old my sister died in my lap from a gun shot. She was 6. She was my best friend. It’s been 31 years and I still miss her everyday. Life is hard without her.

  3. Hang  September 27, 2021 at 4:07 pm Reply

    Everything written in this post is accurate. All the emotions I went through as the survivor sibling…

    I lost my only brother on September 21st this year. It was so sudden and devastating. He’s only 28 years old, married with 2 kids, the smaller one is only 6 months old.

    My brother was the rock of our family. He’s loved by everyone, he’s so kind, wise, calm, and generous.

    I cried so much thinking that he would never see his kids growing up, or he would never attend my wedding.

    My parents are suffering so much as well. It breaks my heart to see them in pain…

    Grief is exhausting.

  4. Gloria  September 14, 2021 at 1:02 am Reply

    My name is Gloria my sister was Helen her and I share 2 other sisters dawn the oldest and lisa the youngest. Helen and I were the only 2 full blooded sisters and were a year apart so you know we were close. Helen had 4 children her oldest 16 youngest 9 Helen was a recovering meth user. I have never done drugs or drank she did both. Helen worked 2 jobs and spoiled her kids. She told me she felt guilty About her past and how she would get high and not spend time with her kids so she was trying to make up for everything. Helen moved from Southern California to east Texas with our mom to try and better herself and her kids life. Helen had the most contagious smile and always joked around she absolutely loved Freddy Krueger and David Bowie she substituted meth with vodka and her oldest daughter would rub in her face every day what a worthless mother she was and would hit her mom one day I guess it really got to her because she was found unresponsive in her bathroom on December 5th 2020 her death certificate says death by hanging she never even told me she was suicidal and I regret not seeing it I have her ashes and precious items in my room now my sister left no note behind and was in the middle of cooking when she did this. Her boyfriend is the one who found her and i sometimes wonder if maybe he hurt her and made it look like a subside. I miss her so much and don’t know how I’ll live the rest of my life without her she was only 36

    2
    • Mehdi  October 9, 2021 at 5:08 pm Reply

      Hi Gloria, I’m so sorry for your loss. The grief is unbearable. I understand you completely. I lost my brother to hanging too. And like your sister, my brother was found by my father probably a few seconds after he hanged himself, but my father didn’t do anything to save him. He was not a loving father for him. That’s so sad.

  5. Harisha  September 10, 2021 at 4:36 am Reply

    I lost my Younger Brother Aneesh Aka Madhu to a electric accident on 7th July 2021 and it was such tragic that it happened on that Wednesday evening and we got to know only the next day afternoon. We grew up like twins since our childhood we are just 1.6 years apart but we were thick in everything we did from childhood and then when I was 12 I went to boarding he grew-up with parents but he was very loving and always addressed me as “ETA” means “Big Brother” in our language Malayalam. Never addressed me with my name that’s the kind of respect he had towards me! Always honest and straight forward. He spoke his heart out what he felt. Loved and connected to everyone in the family and out so well. Very kind from heart and we both had our own set of journeys but we did connect well.

    But then comes a storm always in anyone’s life we had few misunderstandings due to my personal issues what I had and he wasn’t quite happy but again after a course of time we got back like how we were but there were obstacles. But I loved and missed him the most always as my younger one and even he did. He always said this to me when he was far away from me in UAE and i in India “Brother for me it’s you and for you it’s me” so we will there always for each other!

    He came back to India but still I couldn’t spend much quality time with him due to me working away from home and he doing his own things and farming etc. But I did try and make sure he is happy and doing well but don’t know where what went wrong I lost him to a tragic electric accident and I just can’t forget his talks, the jokes he made, they way he smiled and spoke, the way he walked around and did things. He was a top cook and did everything at home without letting me do anything when we lived together in my Bachelor days. I so miss him. I feel there is a hole in my heart and I miss him so much so badly that no one can console me ever. I always have this question God why such a big punishment to us? What did we do wrong? Where did we go wrong when we always wished good for others and prayed?

    I can’t stop crying thinking about him this is so painful! My Mom loved him the most I really don’t know how she is holding up if I am not able to. Even my Dad 😔😔😔!

  6. Deanna  September 9, 2021 at 10:12 pm Reply

    I lost my little brother and only sibling June 3, 2021 from an acute pancreatitis. The doctors expected a full recovery that is what is so hard. He was 48 with 3 teenagers. He passed 11 days before his 49. Our father who was 81 was diagnosed with cancer last summer. I lost him July 15, 2021. My mom passed 33 years ago at age 42. It wasn’t supposed to end this way. My heart is torn in two and I feel so alone. I have my husband, kids and grandkids..I wouldn’t know how to go on without them..and I love them dearly..but I just feel shattered. I just can’t wrap my head around it.

  7. Mehdi  September 7, 2021 at 8:56 am Reply

    I lost my beloved little brother on April 5, when he was only 24. He hung himself. The sad part is he told me about going, and once going to afterlife. I didn’t take him seriously. He was the person I loved the most in this world. His death seems so ridiculous to me, as he was supposed to grow and have a family, rather than rest in that cold grave. I could probably have prevented his death easily. I neglected my brother because of my damn work.
    I curse myself all the time because of forgetting about my brother for 5 years. I must have paid more attention to him and taken his depression more seriously.
    He surely gave up on me as a supportive brother.
    I curse myself for not expressing my love to him when he was alive, while I used to put fake masks in front of a lot of people, being nice to a lot of people, while forgetting the one that really mattered to me.
    I’m angry at my parents too for firing childish arguments all the time.
    And, I’m angry at myself for leaving the family and living in another city.
    I’m angry at myself for being too cold and stupid with my brother.
    I sometimes dream if him like he has returned from death, feeling very happy in the dream and kissing my brother. Then, I wake up and see real life is the real nightmare.
    This world is so void without my brother.

  8. Sara  September 5, 2021 at 10:37 pm Reply

    Hello my name is Sara I lost my only sibling two months ago , she was healthy and in a blink of an eye everything changed , she was diagnosed with lung cancer she was only 27 years old after 2 days of her diagnosed she passed away.. I feel lonely and numb in the same time she was my family, I lived in a divorce household she was the one who raised me and now knowing she’s gone yet so young made me have anger issues and i feel it’s not normal , I’ve been isolated in her funeral I didn’t cry every one assumed that I was strong in fact I was in shock before her death in one day I had breakdown, and I cried after her funeral in one week but today I had the most difficult breakdown I’ve ever had in my life, it’s like I’m going out of my mind my therapist says that it’s okay to express your sadness but I always avoid my emotions and now I feel lonely because I can’t cry in front my family I only cry alone and now I have the feeling I want someone by my side , knowing I’m 23 and married my husband was by my side when I was in shock in the very first days of her death , but today when I breakdown I felt like he was annoyed he told me that I was over reacting , is it normal to have a breakdown after 2 months after your siblings passed? Bc I can’t move on that fast .
    Sorry for my English It’s not my first language.

    3
    • KC  September 19, 2021 at 12:11 am Reply

      I’m so sorry for your loss. I just lost my brother he was murdered August,17th 2021.
      I miss him more than life he was my best friend would kill for me. I just had to reply back to you please don’t let anyone make you feel bad for having a break down
      I was like you in shock and I’m still in shock I’m sure I will have crazy break downs in the future and let me tell you m from the south when I break down you will probably hear me where your at. Anyway I just wanted to tell you I’m praying for you. One day we will be with them and our Lord and Savior. They both have it great there in heaven with Jesus. May God wrap his arms around you snd comfort you. God Bless you my friend.

      1
    • Andrew Green  October 23, 2021 at 6:45 pm Reply

      Very sAd
      I.ost mysister not long ago
      The worst feeling ever

  9. toyin adenekan  September 5, 2021 at 1:30 pm Reply

    I came into this world as the last child of my parents and the only girl. I had 3 older brothers, 4, 10 and 11 years older than me. I have great memories of them all. I am now 44 and lost my mother at the age of 3, one brother when I was 9, the next when I was 41 and the last one four months ago. It’s just me and my dad now. He’s 84. I can’t believe all my brothers are go. That’s what hits me the most. I have no sibling. How can I have come into this world with 3 wonderful brothers and they are no more? Just memories now. Whenever I think of it, I am in so much pain. I am happily married with twin boys who are my life and I do my best to keep up a good front but it hurts my heart so much. The last one who died was super active and I always thought he would live such a long life. He had no major commitments apart from his work which he loved and had only recently been promoted. I was so proud of him. I am so glad I got to tell him that. I have been in so much grief in the last year too. I almost lost one of my twin boys to a stroke, suffered a heart attack from the anguish, contracted Covid and was hospitalised gasping for breath. I survived going through all that and then …. the only brother I had left dies. I feel like this is a cruel joke. No one can possibly live like this. I feel like someone is pulling the strings to make my life so miserable. I know intellectually that I have so much in my life but my days are now filled with anxiety, restlessness, sleepness nights. I keep wondering when the next tragedy is going to happen to me because this feels like a joke gone wrong. Who could have written my destiny like this? I am usually the strong one amongst my friends and family and I somehow always find the positive in everything but this time I am completely lost. I have lost interest in life and nothing that I do, say, think, buy etc can mask the pain I feel. I do not deserve this. I deserve a better life. It is all too much.

    2
    • Litsa  September 14, 2021 at 9:56 am Reply

      I am so sorry for this incredible loss that you have been through. Have you considered a support group? Sometimes, especially when feeling the loss of so many family, it can be helpful to connect with others who are experiencing deep grief. Many local hospices and hospitals have these types of grief support groups. There is a wonderful, though overwhelming and deeply sad, book called Wave by Sonali Deraniyagala. SHe lost both of her parents, her husband, and her two children in a natural disaster. Her book is one that can be quite comforting to others who have lost many family. It is not a story of hope, so much of survival. If you like to read, it may be worth looking for.

  10. Mia  August 23, 2021 at 8:00 pm Reply

    I lost my big sister a few weeks ago. She was only 30, and has an eight year old son, but in the past 6 months she was struggling very hard with her mental health. The worst part is that she often had a lot of good days, so we gave her the space she wanted but it hurts that in the last few months of her life I really didn’t see her more than once a week or so. We’re 6 years apart, so sometimes we weren’t all that close, but as I got older I’ve been so grateful to have her in my life. Holidays were at her house, and her and my mom were so so close. Now I am dealing with a lot of stress about being strong for my mom, but I’m grieving so much myself. I miss her so much, and it pains me so much to think about how she won’t be around for future vacations, or to be my maid of honor. It still doesn’t feel real sometimes. We had so much in common, so much of my humor, personality, music taste and interests are because of her. I’m just in so much pain and I can’t imagine life without my big sister.

    2
    • Megan  August 24, 2021 at 7:38 pm Reply

      Mia I am so sorry. I can tell you it will hurt everytime there is an event in your life that she should be there for. I can tell you the pain is relentless and brutal. But you will keep on and she will be proud of what you do from the other side. Find time to cry, Wail if you need to. I lost by best friend/brother 4 years ago. I could fill a river with the tears I have shed. I know the pain. But I promise you get better at living with the pain. Give yourself the grace of however long it takes you to be in whatever stage of grief you are in, and don’t stop living. Don’t let people pressure this process for you. Be kind to yourself during this time. Siblings don’t get the space they need often when they lose their brothers/sisters.

  11. Jolie Blue  August 13, 2021 at 8:03 pm Reply

    My brother was 11 years older than me. I have nothing but good memories of him growing up. He was the cool guy. He had the good job with a nice car. He wore only banana republic and went out every weekend and partied. I looked up to him. He taught be about computers, he went to my volleyball games and he supported and listened to me like no other. My dad retired and we moved across the state line and my brother stayed behind. He bought his first home, he was engaged and so happy. He had a six figure job as a computer engineer. At the wedding they told us they were expecting a baby! Shortly after his son was born I found out I was going to be a mom at only the age of 19.. our boys became the best of friends. They talk every day.

    My brother and his family moved away.. 18 hours away and thats when my brother really faded away.

    My brother was a functioning alcoholic. We knew he was drinking but we didn’t know it was that bad. His wife filed for a divorce and we tried to get my brother into inpatient rehab but my parents don’t “believe” in that. So he went to out patient rehab in September 2019. He told us he stopped drinking. In January 2020 my mom sensed something was wrong and bought an airplane ticket. When she got to his house he was in really bad shape and my mom called an ambulance. He was in the ICU for a few days with sepsis. He left against medical advice but promised my mom he was done drinking. My mom came home. The last time anyone heard from him was February 13,2020. The police did a well check and they found him in his bed. He was not found until February 18th.

    I’ve handled his loss pretty well. I’ve kept strong for my mother who loses it at least once a day… but today for some reason I am hurting. I have so much to tell him and he’s not here. I miss him. He had it ALL. I just don’t understand how he was drinking this much and hiding it so well. He had a beautiful home, vacations a few times a year, nice cars and a great job His death certificate says he died from “complications from chronic alcoholism”. He was 43.

  12. Bridgette Bennett  August 4, 2021 at 9:59 am Reply

    Hi my name is Bridget I am 51 years old and I’m in San Francisco California I lost my only sibling in 11-25-2020 his name was Brian he was 53 years old from the outside looking in he left healthy he worked every day and real hard he was a strong individual I love him so much and I looked up to him he is my protector my best friend he was mine Big brother we’re three years apart I’m 51 his birthday is March 1st and mine is March 2nd during covid-19 my family shut down I lost my mom in 2020 so her sister is the backbone of our family which it was just me and my brother I spoke to my brother November 23rd he was at the gym I called him to let him know that our auntie who we call Nana we’re going to have Thanksgiving over soon 11:26 2020 my immediate family was at my door and me the kind of person that I am a strong African American woman very family-oriented outgoing my whole family if not all including my auntie Nana was at my door Thanksgiving morning 2020 to tell me that my brother Brian has passed away I didn’t understand and I still don’t I put on this strong face and a beautiful smile for all my loved ones and my friends but deep down inside I am hurt and I mean really hurt I didn’t understand how I spoke to my brother Monday and he passed away November 25th and I was told November 26th I’m still trying to process it that is a hard pill to swallow Thanksgiving is coming up it’ll be a year unfortunately Brian had three blood clogs in his leg and had a massive heart attack everyday I wake up now knowing that I can’t speak to him I can’t hear his voice I can’t even look at his face so this pain that I’m carrying everyday I wake up pray and I ask God to give me a strength each day that I wake up and help me get through the day so far he has not let me down but I’m still hurting inside I shut down I shut myself out from my family my kids who are now all grown so I’m reaching out now to someone who can kind of understand what it feels like and what I’m going through maybe you can help me get through the grief that I know will never go away but how do I and where do I place this pain that I carrying in my heart I miss him so so much like I said Thanksgiving is coming up her birthday past I didn’t even celebrate my birthday I’m trying to figure out do I continue to go and celebrate Thanksgiving with my family or do I continue to work on myself and get through what I’m going through I don’t know and you know they say you never question God but I know that he’s with the angels because he wasn’t an angel of God once again I have a story to tell this is just bits and pieces of what I’m saying I believe and I know that I have to remain strong for myself and as well as my family because I have health problems as what unfortunately I do go to the doctor something that my brother never liked to do as I’m writing this now I’m crying and the tears that I cry on the tears that I cannot say goodbye it will never go away so what do I do for myself so I won’t get sick because I really miss Brian with my only sibling how was the only man that I know would never mentally physically emotionally and financially hurt me his little sister we call him b-dub and they call me red I really truly have a story to tell

    • KC  September 19, 2021 at 2:49 am Reply

      Oh my Mrs.Bridgett how I wish I was right by you to give you a hug. I can honestly say I know what your going threw I lost my brother August 17th 2021 and when I tell you I’m dieing inside if it wasn’t for Jesus I don’t know what I would do. I didn’t just loose a brother that day I lost my best friend , son , brother you see ive always protected my brother he was like my child snd the day he was shot I couldn’t protect him. I just thought about what you said how he was the man you knew would never abuse you in anyway that was me and my brother oh my the pain is so bad I mean my whole body hurts I never knew mental pain could be so physical. I will be praying for you and may God bless you just remember one day we will walk the streets of gold with them but for know we just will hurt and ask God to help us. None of it makes sense I know we all have to die but I don’t understand it I pray for everyone on here for peace to be with y’all .

  13. Cynthiamarie Andrade Lupian  August 4, 2021 at 2:41 am Reply

    Everyone grieves a little different for grieving the loss of a sibling hit different not everyone grieves the same way for some were robbed of there futures or some grieving because of an illness but at the end we all tend to fill the same pain same void of loosing a sibling and it’s only after death that one starts to understand the others pain so with that being said i feel the first and most important thing in learning how to cope with a loss is understanding that you are not alone in this and there are millions of people that have gone through the same thing or maybe even worse , sometimes reaching out to them and listening to there story and how they were able to cope with such a grieve will give you some comfort knowing that one day you to will be able to cope with your loss & doesn’t mean miss/love them any less. Another part to coping with grieve is to not live with guilt of not being able to do enough or not being able to save them because it is not your fault ! to not live with the regrets and what if’s but to remember exactly how they were and live how they would of wanted to we can’t change the past we can’t stop someone from leaving this earth as life doesn’t come with instructions but we all walk in to this earth with an expiration date so when it’s time to go home there is nothing in the world we can do to change that because if it didn’t occur the way it did it could have occurred another way . I lost my 17 year old brother to tun violence on June 29,th 2019 Twenty-four days after his 17th birthday he was the 4th out of 7 siblings I am the oldest so when I got the news my baby brother didn’t make it I admit I was filled such an emptiness and was drunk in rage questioning God itself why has he taken him from us so soon when he hasn’t had a chance to experience life yet he hasn’t had the change to meet his father he hasn’t had the chance to know what it’s like to have parent to love him and watch over him for all he knew was my grandmother who raised him since he was only 3 months old and the truth is no one knows when you will leave this earth God Himself has his reason and we are no one to question God . we are selfs are only borrowed for tomorrow he might calls us home for unexpected reasons . we don’t know what tomorrow may bring as for me I never understood life until 1 year ago at the beginning of my loss i didnt know how to grieve I couldn’t even cry not because i didn’t feel i didnt know how to feel I felt lost confused numb scared to the thought that he wasn’t here anymore and that the day after his death officers rushed i my grandmothers home like we were some kind of criminals putting my sister who was just starting to grieve the loss of her best friend her little brother they tried to say my brother was gang affiliated they didn’t care for our pain for our grieve they just looked and treated us like we were the criminals when we were the victims here & for everyone that knew my brother knew he was not gang affiliated he was a home body a boy who would wake up every single morning with no problem no hesitation to get ready for school and walk him self to and back he wanted to change the cycle and be something in life and his life was cut short when he gave a friend a ride & now it was my grandmother and my responsibility to lay his body to rest so i felt i had no time to grieve i felt i had to be the strong one and set and example because i was the oldest i had to make sure i was there for my grandmother and siblings when a few months later i felt my self break wanting to grieve and not knowing how to and feeling i had no one to talk to that i turned to drugs to numb my pain but the pain only hit harder when the drugs wore off i knew this was not the way to cope grieve so i reached out for help for someone to speak to that could understand my pain and what i was going through And found there is a lot of ways with trying /learning to cope with grieve another thing that helped me with grieve was remembering him with such enthusiasm laughing at memories and hearing that little voice in the back of your head telling you it will be ok you will be ok and most importantly believing it with all your heart and soul . We are all in this grieve together and together we will be ok .

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  14. Marieke  July 27, 2021 at 2:15 pm Reply

    I did not lose a sibling, but I lost an uncle. I am dealing with my own pain of having not known him and the regrets that come from this, but I am also experiencing the grief that my mother is going through and not being able to understand that grief.

  15. Joy  July 25, 2021 at 5:48 am Reply

    My sister passed away, yesterday, only 18 hours ago. I am desperately heart sick, and in shock. I new her longer than any other living person. I must live in the future, without her. Very sad.

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    • Audra  August 23, 2021 at 8:31 pm Reply

      Dear Joy, My sister Aprile died June 24th in her sleep shortly after speaking with me on the phone. She was healthy and happy. She was 56 years old. My big sister , my best friend and the person I loved most in the world. I am sorry you too are grieving the loss of a sibling and on the same day as my sister. If you ever want to speak, I’m here. It might be comforting for us. I don’t know. I’m trying to navigate through this very painful time as I know you are. In Kindness, Audra

    • Megan  August 24, 2021 at 7:48 pm Reply

      Joy i am so sorry. Yes you will have to live for the future. But right now you should just allow yourself to grieve. The pain can be unbearable but you have no choice but to go throw it. It is ok to be beside yourself in pain. Your future will still be there when you are done crying. Keep living. But grieve as fully as you need to. The love you shared is worth all those tears. I lost my best friend/brother 4 years ago and you better bet I still think of him daily and find tears for him might not be daily anymore, but they still come. All the moments he should be with me, have that conversation with me that no one else could have, the memories only we shared come back, those times will always affect me as they will you. But over time you will get better at dealing with it. Hang in there and be gentle with yourself. Don’t let people try to influence how you are feeling. They likely don’t understand.

  16. pauline morgan  July 18, 2021 at 9:54 am Reply

    I am the youngest of 8 children and am 57. i always loved being the “baby” but now i dont. i lost my eldest brother June 2017 and my eldest sister 6 months later in Jan 2018. Covid has meant that i now work from home and i have more time now to think. i was like my sister’s daughter as there were 17 years apart and she spent all Christmas’s etc with me and my adult children. After losing my parents my eldest brother was my go to and i dont have that anymore. i have always been the “organiser” in the family and the one who tried to hold us altogether as my parents were extremely family orientated and i wanted to keep that. I am worried that i will have to go through this grief various more times plus i feel redundant now that my sister has gone. Why is it still hurting so much after these few years? sibling grief is so misunderstood 🙁 P x

  17. Shailee  July 8, 2021 at 4:47 pm Reply

    I lost my 30 year old brother Shobhit on June 3rd, 2021. He died after a month long struggle with Covid. We were 4 brothers and I am eldest. Shobhit was two years younger to me and second child of my parents. My parents are 59 years old. This is the first time I have seen death so closely and that to of my loving brother. He was like a friend, son, confidant and the person I loved the most in this world. Am not sure how we will survive this loss.
    He was the backbone of the family. He defined our confidence.
    We were such a happy family and suddenly our lives have become miserable. Not sure how will we bear this loss.

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    • Ghazala Ahmad  July 19, 2021 at 9:19 am Reply

      I can relate to each and every word that you’ve written Shailee. I too lost my younger brother to Covid after a month long battle. We didn’t know we were fighting a losing battle. He was 8 yrs younger to me and like my son. My mom is devastated . His kids are very very young . He was just 43. His wife too is bed ridden thanks to Covid related complications. Each day each moment lies heavy on my chest. How will life go on without him I don’t know.

    • Keisha  July 19, 2021 at 10:52 am Reply

      Shailee you are not alone in this pain. I experienced some similar factors when my older brother and only sibling passed on june 26 2020 due to complications of covid. He was 40 years and had no pre-existing medical conditions. He fought for 2 months and 16 days. My brother was also my closest loss and I felt like there was reason to live and I had no hope for the future. I decided to seek therapy 10 months after his passing because I couldn’t handle the grief anymore and I knew I needed some help. I’m sorry you have to endure this pain. If you want to seek help but therapy may not be for you. There’s network called the Covid Grief Network. Just type it in your search engine. It has helped me tremendously with the addition of professional therapy.

  18. Joanna  July 8, 2021 at 11:47 am Reply

    I just started getting upset earlier when I was ordering an 80th birthday cake for my mum, it’s her birthday next Wednesday, I only lost my big sister last year on February the 15th, she was 52 at the time, it would also be her birthday a week after mum’s, I get sad around birthdays and times when you really wish the person was here plus I feel deeply for my mother who has lost two children and her husband, when I think about it my mum was only 28 when she lost her husband, she was carrying my brother and my sister was only two at the time so timelines and ages connect in so many ways.

    I can’t remember a lot in the first few months last year, it was very tragic the way my sister passed, all circumstances were not easy to deal with plus it got plastered all over the papers, I went into autopilot, care mode, abd over protective mode..my mum was terribly ill for a lot of last year and then the whole pandemic happening just made everything feel even more surreal so I stayed quite trapped in anger, deep shock and my body would constantly go into flight or fight response, it took it out of me.

    So what I’m doing this year, I’m allowing the feelings, I’m creating space for them, I’m focusing on self care, I’m being gentle with myself, I’ve reached out and done lots of online healing sessions and talked through things, I take it all a day at a time, I don’t judge myself, there’s nothing linear about grief just know that everything you feel is because of love in one way or another, I also learnt a very tough lesson, you can’t save anyone in this world but yourself! Love with all your heart but make sure you’re giving it to yourself first and foremost, know that you can talk to those who have left this physical existence anytime you need, they’re always listening, I had a number of visits in different ways, so watch out for the magical moments of connections. Just surrender to it all and be gentle with yourself and live your life fully because we know now how fragile it is and how things can change so easily, sending out love and light to everyone ❤🦋🌟

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  19. Terry  July 5, 2021 at 1:43 am Reply

    My sister passed away suddenly on April 10, 2022 at the age of 51 due to COVID19. She was taken so suddenly. We were Irish twins – only 11 months between us. We lost our dad in 2007 but the feelings of loss and grief are so different. I am grieving the loss of our childhood and the loss of our future. I had so much I should have said to her. I am being treated for anxiety and depression due to her tragic loss. I want to feel normal again I just don’t know when that will happen. Today is my birthday and it felt so wrong for her not to be here. I miss her birthday text and seeing her today. Her birthday is in exactly one month and I know that day will be awful. Since she died of covid just less than three months ago it’s so hard to watch the world open up and “get back to normal” because my normal and her sons normal will never be the same. I love and miss you desperately Judy. You were my best friend for 50 years. Yes, we had our disagreements and regrets but I always loved you and always will.

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    • Keisha  July 19, 2021 at 10:38 am Reply

      Terry, I can relate. My only brother and sibling passed away due to covid june 26 of last year. It’s one devastation when you lose a sibling but when it’s due to pandemic virus is even more devastating. I hate when people say “finally I can get back normal”. There is no normal for us. We have to face this mess everyday. Seeing it on the news, billboards, hearing conversations in public about. It’s just an awful reminder. This is such a hard pill to swallow. I’m sorry that yoh have to endure this pain but you are not alone in it

  20. Susanne Morris  July 4, 2021 at 2:54 am Reply

    My brother died on Sunday 27th June, I’m knee deep in grief, he was 48 and had a heart attack. My mother is losing her will to live. My mental health was sliding before this so now it’s just a whole lot worse. I live 200 mile away from my family and friends. I’d recently visited him and we’d talked about my next visit… I can’t believe I’ll never see him again 💔😭

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  21. Deb B.  June 29, 2021 at 11:27 pm Reply

    My sweet, sister on May 14th died suddenly in her sleep. I can hardly type from constantly crying. It has shocked & numbed me to my core. I Take solace in knowing she passed peacefully. We were extremely close. I’m saddened beyond belief. It’s a different kind of grief than loosing your parents, which I have. Our sibling bond was so strong. I hope it’s true that when you die, you see your loved ones whom passed before you as they are “waiting in the wings!” I have lost my faith in God for now. I am sorry that all of you whom wrote on this blog lost a sibling. Peace, understanding & thank you for reading my tears. ❣

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    • KC  September 19, 2021 at 3:11 am Reply

      Prayers your way. God loves you and so do we .

  22. Donna Robertson  June 28, 2021 at 11:59 pm Reply

    I have 2 brothers left in my nuclear family, one just died at 66 his birthday is the 29th of June. That’s only a little over a month since he died, I’m the middle child 1sister book end by 2 brothers. I’m 65 so he was my big brother and I’m so sad and I can’t stop crying even with medication. I’m trying to help his wife but I’m not doing very good. His death was unexpected so lm kinda in shock and I believe she is too. I don’t know if I should call her and acknowledge the day or let it pass. Our parents are dead and the brothers didn’t get along so I can’t talk to my little about this and we talk about almost every thing.

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  23. Pat  June 15, 2021 at 10:45 pm Reply

    My older 81 year old sister wishes myself and my brother would just die- and won’t talk to her only daughter- we do not know what her problem is –

  24. Mary  June 2, 2021 at 10:40 pm Reply

    My parents lost a 20 year old son before I was born. Never had the closure of finding what why he died, he was home with a friend when he suddenly felt ill and passed away. The autopsy didn’t reveal anything but my mother thinks he passed away to an aneurism.

    Some time later they decided to try for another baby and they had me. I’m currently 18 years old and sometimes I think about him and his death. I know it’s paranoid of me but I find myself wondering if the same thing is going to happen to me. I’m healthy, never had any problems and I even went to a kind of psychic to try and reassure me in this matter. At the time, my father had cancer and she told me that he would get better and he did. She also told me that I could rest assured that I have a long life to live.

    It’s just my paranoid a$$ that won’t stop thinking about it from time to time & I saw on this website that people could feel anxious from thinking that the same thing could happen to them. I know that unfortunately a lot of people lose their siblings and the same doesn’t happen to them. Just would like to receive some tips in how to get this thought out of my mind.

  25. Lori  May 1, 2021 at 4:17 pm Reply

    My brother died of liver disease two years ago yesterday. I’m usually the type to become more task oriented in crisis and these type of things but this year I’m just incapacitated. Can’t sleep at night, can barely do work. Worse off his son lives with me so we are both dealing with grief and snapping at each other and just dealing with it differently. I feel for him greatly but also I have nothing to give emotionally to anyone at the moment. I’m usually more the caregiver to people too so asking for help is tough. I speak to a therapist once a week but this week it didn’t help much. As the articles say I kind of don’t get the point of life. (For more context My mom also died 6 years ago and our beloved two dogs (both 14 and 15) died in the last six months. It’s just too much. Growing up it was just me, mom and dad and my brother and I. I guess the best way to describe it is the four of us with the legs of the table and now two of those legs are gone and the table just can’t stand up anymore. My dad is pretty sad too but it comes in waves. I’m not suicidal but I’m trying to figure out how to feel about their deaths. How to think/feel about life and death in general. Excuse my language but it’s just a real mindf*ck. Today and this week is just hard. Thanks for all of your stories and thanks for reading.

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  26. christine  April 25, 2021 at 5:55 pm Reply

    i am really sorry for your lose unfortunately my brother died and i feel a part of my life has been taken away i speak to him everyday i cry for him will the pain go away i ask myself it is early days as he recently died. just to hold you again and to say i love you bro and him to say i love you sis i will never hear those words again. nothing in this world will ever replace you and i am sorry our journey in life was not longer i love u bro and always will my brother John

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  27. bojos  April 23, 2021 at 2:35 pm Reply

    My younger brother passed away on 28 Sep 2020 in a hit and run accident. It was so sudden and shocking that I could not believe when I had the call. The truck driver ran over him and my little brother lay on the road like some roadkill. His head was so disfigured that he was unrecognizable. I did not even get to talk to him once before he went. He was my pride and my joy. And god took him from me in the most unjust way. There are peole who deserve to die for all the evil things they do and if anyone deserved to live, it was my brother. He did not deserve to die in this manner. There is no justification that God can provide us for this accident. Sometimes, I think that God just doesn’t care.

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  28. Stephie  April 11, 2021 at 3:39 pm Reply

    Our oldest brother suddenly passed away in his sleep in 2016. He was 20 years older than me & one of the most important people in my life. We shared a dad & had different moms, so we didn’t live together most of our lives other than a brief period when I was around 8, but he always called me his favorite person in the world. I miss him every single day.

    in 2019, we lost our youngest brother to his body finally breaking down after pushing through 30 years after a car accident completely changed his life. He was 13 years older than me & we never lived together.

    I have one brother who is still with us who is 18 years older than me. We have a hard time connecting on a lot of things, but i’m grateful to still have him. I think I have a lot of survivor’s guilt, even though what they had wouldn’t necessarily affect me, I do have poor health & feel like they had so much to contribute to the world. I also worry about adding stress to my parents and my brother.

    It makes me so sad that my brothers will never get to hug & love on all the kids in my life that I get to help raise, I could just see my oldest brother having the time of his life with them (interesting that’s how my brain wants to phrase it), but I do try to keep his memory alive & show the kids all the things he gave me & pictures I have.

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  29. Teresa  April 4, 2021 at 6:35 am Reply

    My brother Michael died in his sleep at about 10.00 am this morning, the timing taking us by surprise. RIP Michael.

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    • H  April 5, 2021 at 2:37 pm Reply

      Same thing happened to mine

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      • Teresa  May 12, 2021 at 4:13 am

        The same day? The same morning? I’m so sorry.

    • Tanya Felicia Rivers  April 21, 2021 at 1:40 am Reply

      Mere words can not even come close to explain how you feel right now. Just know that my heart goes out to you. I am deeply sorry for your loss of your sibling. May God comfort you now and later in your time of grief and sorrow

  30. Cailte50  April 2, 2021 at 6:39 pm Reply

    I have lost two sisters from a genetic illness,which my mother was blamed for,for bringing it into the family.It was years before I learnt both parents have to be carriers.

    My whole life has been living in a state of stress,panic,depression and grief. There was no help,no support,no kindness,nothing,for my parents,my brother and I. I didnt even know what normal family life was like until I met my husband and his family.

    One of my sisters died as a small baby-there are no photos,no discussions,no mementos of her.I dont even know what hospital she died in. I have asked,so many times,for information,I dont any more.

    I have been for counselling so many times but at the end of the day,no amount of talking can make up for what Ive lost and what I have endured.

    I nearly died from an eating disorder.I am ok now but that has left its own legacy and I deal with doctors who know nothing about me and just give out to me about my digestive system.

    I am happily married and have a good job but I couldnt face having children,not after what I witnessed.

    I will never be at peace with all I have gone through.I ask God to take me,every day.

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    • Lauren  April 8, 2021 at 7:31 pm Reply

      I will pray for you; here’s a prayer I’m praying: Dear God, thank you for your great love. You are so powerful, and you can work powerfully even in the lives of those who have experienced so much pain. Would you please remind Cailte50 of your presence, comfort them, and give them peace? Thank you for Jesus who went through so much suffering for us, for Him who died in our place so we could know you by your grace through faith in your Son. Please help Cailte50 with looking to Jesus who is no stranger to deep pain and suffering, and help Cailte50 to experience peace from Jesus. God, thank you again for your love. You are good. In the name of Jesus I pray, amen.

      Cailte50, I don’t know if you already know God personally, but I hope you come to embrace the the abundant life that is in Jesus and find your help in the Lord.
      Do you know God personally?

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    • Russ  April 12, 2021 at 11:49 pm Reply

      That really made me sad to read your story, that the love and all those things a family needs to survive. My hugs to you and I hope and pray that you can find happiness and better health. We take good health for granted in our lives. Remember one thing, we are all put on this earth for a test, remember that no matter what God loves you, I know that he suffered and died for us all that we may live forever in his presence, I know he feels your pain and your sorrow My hugs to you and my hope is you have better health and a better life. Hugs to you!

      • Candice  August 30, 2021 at 12:26 am

        My brother hung himself april 6, 2019. I’m still in disbelief and honestly so angry. He didn’t even say goodbye. I was supposed to visit him in Oregon and we made plans For his birthday on April 2. I was supposed to go that weekend and rescheduled because I didn’t feel like it and wanted to wait until the next weekend. I texted him on his birthday and he was bummed i wasn’t coming that week. I texted him Saturday morning on April 6 and told him i booked a flight finally and I’m coming. No response. I was out running errands and just going about my life and my mom called me screaming at 6pm. I almost fell in the middle of the street and i started hyperventilating. I can still remember every feeling i felt when i got that call. They said they found a note outside his apartment and his body was hanging in his closet since around 2am. The rest is a fog. We went to Oregon. Saw his body before it was cremated. Idk if that messed me up more or reading the autopsy with the details of everything about his body and how they found him and what he used. His body was cold. He has purple marks on his neck. But he was still my little brother. He was only 28. And he was alone when he decided to do this. His mental health was always extreme. He was so soooo smart. But so sooo depressed. I’m so freaking depressed that he was alone in this moments. That i couldn’t save him. That i didn’t make the time to see him. So many regrets. And i will never get to say anything to him again. Have him in my wedding. See my child. It’s very lonely losing an only sibling who you’re close to. My mom is losing her will to live. As well as myself as i struggle with depression and suicidal thought prior to this. It’s all such a weird experience. I would never wish it upon anyone.

      • Litsa  August 30, 2021 at 1:02 pm

        Candice, I am so sorry for the death of your brother and for the regrets you feel. Some of these articles on guilt and regret may be of some support: https://whatsyourgrief.com/?s=guilt&post_type=post

        Please know that there is always help and support. If you don’t have a therapist, I would definitely suggest considering one – specifically someone who has some experience with grief. And you can always reach someone, 24/7, via phone or chat at the suicide prevention line (1-800-273-8255 or https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/)

  31. Teresa  April 2, 2021 at 8:38 am Reply

    My brother has only weeks to live. We found out only 6 days ago. It’s been revealed to me in piecemeal fashion over the last 6 days, the full realisation sinking in only yesterday. This happens to other families, not ours, surely. It feels surreal, but for the sadness that does not go away. I worry my mother will suicide, lose the will to live, he is her first born, and she’s so sensitive.

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    • Isabelle Siegel  April 2, 2021 at 9:19 am Reply

      Hi Teresa, I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through this. If you fear your mother will harm herself, please do not hesitate to call the National Suicide Helpline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit their website where you can do a live online chat https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ They can provide you with assistance. Please know that, no matter what, you are not alone.

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    • Lauren  April 8, 2021 at 7:36 pm Reply

      I’m so sorry to hear that, Teresa. Praying for your brother, rest of your family, and you. Are your brother and mother believers in Jesus?
      Also, I hope you and your mother can get support and hope that you have a loving community.

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  32. Corrina B  April 1, 2021 at 2:14 am Reply

    Out of the youngest of 3 I have been lost for 12 years 13 this year may 8 we barried my sister on mother’s day she had a son she had recently lost custody to and to his dad who was suppose to be her best friend but my sister was partying alot that week I remember so clearly I was 13 she was 19 my brother was 18 she was the oldest who always protected us both from the world mostly me because I was so much younger and had worse luck from the day I was born but she spent 2 1/2 nights well I spent it with her my cousin came picked her up they took me hone to my uncle’s were my mom lived with her stupid boyfriend who was a sexual pervert and my sister and I didn’t like the looks of from the first day we met him my sister didn’t care how old big or better they were at fighting then she she would do every thing in her power to protect me the next day I got off the school bus and she wasn’t anywhere in sight as she normally would be . The life I have lived since then I have tried to see her face in every way as far as I would always tell her how pretty she was and I hoped that I was as pretty one day she would always tell me how beautiful I was and how proud she was to have me the fear the anxiety pain hurt I have panic attacks and fear death and think of everyone’s death every second just fearing the time to come my sister overdosed I didn’t think I would make it past 19 I did here I am and every year has took it’s tole I’ve lost so much in life because I promised to finish what she started my brother misses her just as much I feel guilty because I was the only one she shared the last 3 days of her life with nun of us had the same dad but same mom who struggled with us so I feel guilty she sung this song to by travis tritt I’m gonna be somebody someday while her boyfriend played the quitar it took me at least 6 years to be able to hear that song without having a panic attack or was even able to tell anyone why I didn’t like it I would just flip out and couldn’t breath and panic in great fear the reaper would pick me through the song I am in need of help I’m 27 almost 28 I have been strung out on drugs since I was 15 and my life has fallin apart from the time she left us on this planet please help me someone I want to experience a life of hang gliding and parachuting and driving fast without griefing the los of my sister at that same time I want to live without drugs happily

  33. SS  March 22, 2021 at 12:14 am Reply

    I dont know how to help..my wife lost her sister 8 yrs ago.. think she didn’t have time to greave properly as our kids were young. However, i feel she is in a full blown depression now.. and has cut me out of her life.. its go on for years now.. the drift has gone worse.. and she has been drinking a lot.. trying to hide it from me… we are living in a different country and there is no family close by.. i am watching this decline, day after day.. standing helplessly at the shore.. watching her drown.. not being able to reach her… how do i help?

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  34. Lynnette  March 11, 2021 at 12:06 am Reply

    It will be three years this year on my birthday that I lost my brother. I miss him so much. He was 7 years older than me but still very young at 56. I felt like my brother truly understood me we grew up together, went through the same things. He knew how to make me laugh like no one else. I miss the times we shared. When I heard of his death I was in complete shock. I kept saying but it’s my birthday. When things sank in, I cried every single day for a month straight. I wished I could have been there to help him. I try to be there for his kids now. It does not get any easier, it just gets different. We often talk in my dreams. The advice I would give to a newly grieving surviving sibling is to let the feelings out. Do not try to push them down or hide them. In the long run, you will feel better for it. And know on a spiritual level they are always with you. They will live on in your heart forever. As long as you have the memories, they are never truly gone. You will meet in your dreams. Have faith. Know they have gone on before you to a much better place. I hope this helps someone in a positive way. Loosing my brother was one of the hardest things in my life. I’m sure you understand if you have lost a sibling. Forgive yourself, be patient with yourself, and do not beat yourself up. With time, the pain will change and you will reach a acceptance. But you will always have your memories. You will cherish them. I know I do. I have hope that one day, I will see him again when it’s my turn to move on from this world. He will always be missed until then❤

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  35. Louise  March 9, 2021 at 12:19 pm Reply

    When my brother was 19 and I was 17 he went down town with friends, drank too much and fell in a river and drowned 🙁 That was 33 years ago and I still miss him so much, he was my best friend 🙁 Ever since then though I feel like there is a part of me that froze at 17 (sorry of this sounds crazy). The reason I feel like that is because when I think of my brother he is still older than me and yet I am now 50! I wanted to share this on here to see if anyone else has felt like this.
    I’m so pleased I found your article so I can finally ask this question. Thank you

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    • Lindsey  March 21, 2021 at 11:43 pm Reply

      Louise, I completely understand what you mean about feeling frozen at the age when your brother passed away.
      I am so sorry that you lost your brother so tragically and suddenly, I can’t even imagine. My brother was 3.5 years older than me, and he always told me he “tested” every age for me first. Turning 35 was incredibly hard for me, since it was the first age he never experienced.
      I lost my brother almost 8 years ago. He was very sick for almost 18 months. My first child was born shortly after his diagnosis, and he was 16 months old when my brother passed away. I see so much of my brother in my son, which makes me happy. But sometimes I look and see how big he is getting and realize how long my brother has been gone and the grief is unbearable.

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  36. Melanie  March 2, 2021 at 4:16 pm Reply

    I’m glad I came across this post on the internet, as I still feel weird about grief even years later…

    My mom died from cancer when I was 13, after battling it very hard for nine years. I was very depressed afterwards, and my dad and my siblings were very shaken. I never went to therapy, though now I feel I definitely should’ve. I talked about it with friends who had no understanding, though they helped and did their best as we were all in eighth grade. I am grateful for them.

    Then, when I was 14, my older brother was killed when a truck hit him on his bike after school. I never realized he probably had depression until after. Just a year and a half after my mom, when I felt I was semi okay, he was killed suddenly.

    It’s been 7 years since my mom, and 6 years now since my brother’s death. He passed on our other brother’s (also older) sixteenth birthday as well. I was suddenly confused a few days ago, because the grief hit me like day one.

    For years, I struggled with depression and suicidal thoughts (never acted on them though they were tempting). Still, I find myself feel lonely and alienated because no one can understand. I feel as if I had to grow up fast and wasn’t able to have a ‘normal’ childhood and teenage years. I struggled finding friends who could understand, but I can say I’ve found beautiful friends. Even if they can’t understand, they are here.

    Finally, last year, I felt like I was started to learn to live, as I used to think about them constantly and never was able to find much happiness. I didn’t know who I was without that grief.

    I feel horrible talking about it with friends, because it’s been years. I can tell them the same traumatic memories or the same beautiful moments, but I feel like it’s almost a waste as I’m just repeating myself. Is it wrong to feel this grief so hard years later? I feel as if people would be angry and tell me to get over it, but this pain cycles every year.

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  37. Rebecca Chavez  February 26, 2021 at 7:00 pm Reply

    on feb 2,2021 i lost my best friend my protecter my Brother Ruben 39 years old five days before my birthday he was shot and killed by his wife who he loved very much i don’t know how to feel right now im so lost and broken and have a lot of anger. the police have determined this as self defense shooting……

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  38. Sandy  February 7, 2021 at 3:23 pm Reply

    I lost my only sibling, my dear brother, at 18 in a road accident. I was only 19 at the time. Even though I was the big sister he was the protective one.
    Our happy little family of 4 has been reduced to 3. I am now an only child and it puts so much pressure on me to take care of my aging parents alone.
    It’s so difficult to explain my anxiety, fear and loneliness to others. Forums like these really help me in finding some comfort.

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    • Isabelle Siegel  February 9, 2021 at 9:27 am Reply

      Sandy, I’m so sorry for your loss. Please know that you are not alone in your anxiety, fear, and loneliness. I recommend you check out this article: https://whatsyourgrief.com/what-does-grief-feel-like/ I am glad to hear that this website/community has brought you even an ounce of comfort. All the best to you.

  39. Darryl  February 7, 2021 at 2:37 am Reply

    I honestly dont know where to start or how to even say it, I understand that this isnt a share group but I feel like this is one of the only places I’m actually able to just put it out there. I lost my brother on aug.10 of 2019. Now long story short my baby brother suffered from many mental illnesses. I was there for him as much as i could be mentally and physically. Now what I remember of my brother is not the illnesses but me being able to go and see him and it would just be us, hanging out and no mental illness seemed to be there when we were just hanging out, so that being said on aug.9 I had gotten off my flight that night wanting to go and check on my little brother because I just had a feeling but decided to drive the 5 hours to get home instead only to get a call at 4 in the morning being told they found my brother. Like I said I know this isnt a support group but I havent truly told my story and I feel like it isnt my place to be crying or telling everyone but it is truly weighing me down and I have nowhere else to turn to.

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    • Isabelle Siegel  February 9, 2021 at 9:43 am Reply

      Darryl, I am truly so sorry for your loss. I’m so glad that this website is giving you a platform to tell your story. I hope that has been helpful to you. Please know that, no matter what, you are not alone.

    • Tahiess  April 13, 2021 at 1:10 pm Reply

      Darryl
      So sorry for your loss. I just lost my 52 yr old baby brother who was nothing but happiness and joy until mental illness and drugs and alcohol issues started to take over his life 20 yrs ago. We tried everything and gave up on him and he didn’t want anything to do with us because it became too painful to witness his self destruction (all 5 of us his siblings) just quit…now as expected I am totally guilt ridden with his death .. oddly this last year I was concerned about him constantly and had no idea where he was …but he moved back home and was working and barely surviving life and we didnt even know but within 12 hrs of his death we were informed and his family notified and that alone I am grateful for. ..I hope he is not in that deep dark sad hopeless place that drove him to this point …Professional counselors tell me I should not feel this way but I disagree … my point is you were worried about your brother because he was a part of you and something in your heart told you he was not doing well and that connection is important for you to understand and grieve your way and allow your heart to heal knowing he loved you and you loved him! ..this sounds terrible but when you felt you could have POSSIBLY saved a healthy person its more painful in my opinion even though loss is loss and I have also accepted I will always struggle with this and thats ok too.
      God Bless!

  40. Kristen  February 5, 2021 at 11:05 am Reply

    I lost my best friend, my rock, my person, and my only sibling 1/25/21. My sister passed away in her sleep due to a pharmacy saying her insulin wouldn’t be in until Monday (this was on a Friday), this wasn’t the normal pharmacist she dealt with, and no other substitute insulin for her pump was even offered. She wasn’t on a special order insulin, and something should have been offered. 1/23 and 1/24 was great days despite her feeling bad and going without insulin, she done so great and the sweetest thing she had was two drinks of orange juice, which was a major accomplishment for her as she loved her sweets despite being diabetic. I am the one the family called for anything when it came to my sister and when my mother called me during work, on a 3 way call with my niece who will be 21 on the 17th and told me I needed to get to my sisters now. I stay on the phone and I am asking my niece all these questions, preparing myself for CPR and so be I’ll break her ribs if it means saving her. My niece couldn’t not talk and was crying screaming, I run inside and nothing could prepare me for the sight in front of me. She was gone and had been gone for at least 4/5 hours. I can’t loose it because my mother is in the phone with my niece trying to ask her questions and trying not to break down, my niece couldn’t even call 911, and it was the hardest call I’ve ever made and Chaos happened after that. I had to keep it together for my niece, brother in law whom pulled in behind the ambulance, and my mother in which I lied to in front of everyone. I couldn’t loose her too, I couldn’t chance her wrecking or having a heart attack. Once all the calls were made I still couldn’t loose it, breakdown, scream, because I had to stay strong for my 10 year old daughter whom was extremely close to my sister. I have had several breakdowns in the last 11 days. Last night was the first night I was fully able to let it all go, without having to pull myself back together and put on my brave face. I am lost and broken and still feel as if this is a nightmare. Reality is my best friend is gone and I can’t even begin to think about the days to come. I’m taking it hour by hour, I’m all over the place, and I’m not sure how much longer I can be the “strong one.”

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    • Isabelle Siegel  February 9, 2021 at 10:16 am Reply

      Kristen, I’m so very sorry for your loss. I can only imagine how angry and frustrated you are feeling. I understand that you feel pressure to be “the strong one.” But what does it mean to be strong in grief? I recommend you check out this article: https://whatsyourgrief.com/what-does-it-mean-to-be-strong-in-grief/ You need to help yourself before you can help anyone else… and that might mean letting yourself feel whatever it is you need to feel. All the best to you.

  41. Raymond Heath Taylor  February 5, 2021 at 12:18 am Reply

    My youngest brother was ran over by two trucks and killed like almost 2 years ago although In my head it still feels like last week.. I’ve been questioning myself sometimes wondering if what I feel is normal I’m the oldest brother of three boys and one girl my brother that got killed was the youngest boy we have a sister that was younger than all of us but like I said I’m the oldest so I kinda felt that I had to step up and be strong for my mom but to be honest at times I would hide my hurt in order to keep my mom from seeing an possibly causing her more pain but this has I believe made it worst for me I know the only cure for my pain is to die not saying I wanna kill myself but in reality there is nothing that will ever make it stop I’m told it gets easy after time but it makes no sense the more time away from something the more you miss it I think I need help….

    • Isabelle Siegel  February 9, 2021 at 10:29 am Reply

      I am so very sorry for your loss. First off, I want you to know that there is no such thing as “normal” in grief. Moreover, I completely understand the pressure to feel strong for others. I recommend you check out this article: https://whatsyourgrief.com/what-does-it-mean-to-be-strong-in-grief/ That being said, it’s important to take care of yourself first… and that may mean allowing yourself to break down. You are not hopeless. I recommend you reach out to a therapist trained in grief and bereavement, which you can find here: https://grief.com/grief-counselor-directory/. If you are thinking of hurting yourself, or even if you just need someone to talk with, please call the National Suicide Helpline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit their website where you can do a live online chat https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ All the best to you.

  42. Louise  February 3, 2021 at 6:30 pm Reply

    My eldest brother and his wife were killed in a car accident Dec 2020. I had been no contact with my family, and him, for 6 years up to that point.

    Our parents had lost 3 of our siblings as babies. I had to reinstate contact with our parents, due to this devastating loss. He had a relationship with them. Now it is just me and them.

    My brother saved me from awful situations, but he was my first torturous bully (his coping mechanism to his treatment). I am broken, this is too hard. How can I go on now?? I have no idea. His funeral is in 2 days, I don’t want to go. I cry every day and sleep evades me.

    Our parents are hoping this reinstates our relationship. How?? They are two separate things.

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    • Isabelle Siegel  February 4, 2021 at 10:27 am Reply

      Louise, I’m so very sorry for your loss and that you’re being forced to navigate this complicated family situation. As hard as it may be to believe, what you’re experiencing–the crying, lack of sleep, hopelessness–is normal during grief. I recommend you check out this article: https://whatsyourgrief.com/what-does-grief-feel-like/ You will find a way to get through this. Perhaps you should seek out the support of a therapist trained in grief and bereavement, which you can find here: https://grief.com/grief-counselor-directory/. As far as your parents are concerned, do NOT feel obligated to keep up a relationship with them. You have to do whatever feels right for you. All the best to you.

    • Kim  October 6, 2021 at 8:10 am Reply

      Dear Louise, I hope you’re safe, well & things are easier. I feel your anguish because I am experiencing a very similar situation. My youngest brother passed away suddenly & unexpectedly 5 days ago and I’m struggling with my conflicted feelings. If you have any advice I’d love to hear from you. Genuinely hope the world is a brighter place for you, warm thoughts, Kim.

  43. Karis  February 3, 2021 at 4:41 pm Reply

    My older brother committed suicide at age 26 in September 2020. I had moved countries just months before that. It took me 3 weeks to get a flight home because of covid and I felt like I missed out on so much because of that. My parents and other siblings drove together to meet his wife and kids and got to see the place where he died. I missed the dignified transfer of his body to our hometown. Thankfully they were able to hold off the funeral till I got there…but by the time I did, so many extended family members and friends were around that my nuclear family never got to be alone together before each of us had to return to whichever ends of the earth we were living in.

    I feel so confused and lost because I’m living in a country completely different from where we grew up. Nothing here reminds me of him or spurs those deep-rooted childhood memories that would make me feel reconnected to him. I can’t just turn to my dad or my sister and say “remember when…”. There isn’t anyone around me who knew him so I never feel comfortable bringing him up. It makes moving through my grieving process so much more difficult because there are parts of me and my relationship with him that I feel are buried so deep that I can’t even reach them. I’m confused about what to say when people ask me how many siblings I have. That question always throws me off so much.

    This doesn’t even touch on the completely different level of pain that it being a suicide caused. I feel like the hole existing in my body is my fault because I knew he had depression but I didn’t do anything different to try and be closer to him even though I was his kid sister. I even up and left the country despite that he didn’t want me to. I know none of us can truly believe deep inside that something like this would happen to our loved one, but the guilt is still inevitable and crushing.

    My siblings and I are all adults; he was married with two children; so it complicates what I think I’m supposed to feel because we didn’t see each other very often and each had our own lives going on. I compare my grief a lot to his wife’s because her day-to-day life completely turned upside down, whereas I still get to wake up in bed every morning with my partner. Everything immediately surrounding me looks the same, so to speak. I hadn’t even seen my brother in about 9 months leading up to his death. But on the flip side of that I sometimes feel angry at her because she can re-marry one day yet I can never have another brother.

    I’m exhausted of everyone telling me that I’m so strong and that I seem like I’m doing really well. I know they mean it as a compliment but it immediately creates a wall where I feel like I can’t share the raw pain, confusion, guilt and despair that I feel. At the same time I feel forgotten because everyone else’s lives have moved on but the burning emptiness my family is experiencing is still completely real. I haaaaated Thanksgiving and Christmas because all my friends were sharing photos of them with their families, nice and complete; but mine will never be whole again.

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    • Isabelle Siegel  February 4, 2021 at 10:31 am Reply

      Karis, I’m truly so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine how difficult it is to be adjusting to a new country/environment while also navigating your grief. I know you feel like you have to be strong, but allow yourself to feel whatever it is you need to feel. I recommend you check out these articles: https://whatsyourgrief.com/what-does-it-mean-to-be-strong-in-grief/ and https://whatsyourgrief.com/grieving-suicide-death/ Please know that, no matter what, you are not alone. All the best to you.

    • Lindsey  March 21, 2021 at 11:53 pm Reply

      This really resonated with me:

      “But on the flip side of that I sometimes feel angry at her because she can re-marry one day yet I can never have another brother.”

      I have A LOT of anger about this. My brother was very sick for almost a year and a half. And I visited him as often as I could, I had a new baby, and my brother lived in a different city. His girlfriend was my son’s aunt, and his best friend was an “honourary” uncle. After my brother passed away they didn’t keep in touch as often, and it became clear that they had started seeing each other. It broke my heart that they still had each other, but my family was completely left out of their lives. I didn’t just lose my brother, I lost a sister and a good friend too.
      They ended up getting married.
      I am sure things haven’t been easy for them, but it’s incredibly unfair that they have each other and I am still alone.
      I don’t have any other siblings. So his death has been very difficult.
      Not to mention having the best (my son) and worst things happen almost at the same time.

      You have every right to feel sad and grieve. Everything has changed for you too.

      Hugs

  44. Shannon  February 3, 2021 at 11:53 am Reply

    I lost my brother January 15, 2021 suddenly after a brief illness. I’m the oldest at 51 and he was 36. We live the closest to each other and I’m having a terrible time with this loss. I miss him and I feel trapped in a desolate place surrounded by despair. I cry multiple times a day and my husband and I are going to be going through his things to donate. Our garage is full of his personal items and every time I look at his stuff my wound grows. Everyone says it will improve with time. I know I’m just at the beginning of my grief. I just want to be at a point I can think of good memories and his life. Instead I’m living in the sadness of his death.

    • Isabelle Siegel  February 4, 2021 at 10:38 am Reply

      Shannon, I’m so sorry for your loss. The pain you’re feeling is normal and okay. I know you want to “get past” your grief, but please know that grief has no timeline. I recommend you check out these articles: https://whatsyourgrief.com/myth-grief-timeline/ and https://whatsyourgrief.com/grief-recovery-is-not-a-thing/ I understand how difficult it can be to go through a loved one’s belongings. You may want to look at these resources: https://whatsyourgrief.com/selling-and-donating-old-items/ and https://whatsyourgrief.com/sorting-through-belongings/ You will find a way through this… But for now, allow yourself to feel whatever it is you need to feel. All the best to you.

    • Lindsey  March 22, 2021 at 12:00 am Reply

      Oh Shannon!!
      His death is far too recent for you to be reminiscing about the good times and being able to go through his things without crying all over everything.
      Please don’t be so hard on yourself.
      My parents and I had to go through my brother’s things while he was still alive, his lease was ending at his apartment and his girlfriend couldn’t continue to pay it on her own. So the 4 of us went through his things as quickly as we could just to see what was to be kept and what could be thrown out or donated. I. So incredibly sentimental that I basically took everything home. I tried and tried to look through his things for months at home and I couldn’t. A lot happened in the next few years and I still haven’t been able to go through all of his things. I take a little bit at a time. Only recently (almost 8 years) have I been able to look through his things without crying.

      Please don’t be so hard on yourself. It is so recent.
      Sending you hugs

  45. Keshaw Kishore Singh  February 3, 2021 at 5:55 am Reply

    My brother died in a car accident on 31st december, 2020 now i don’t know what is happening with me i am not able to tell my parents what really is happening to me…i need someone to talk to me…i am really scared…i just don’t know what to do

    • Isabelle Siegel  February 4, 2021 at 10:47 am Reply

      Keshaw, I’m so sorry for your loss and for this pain you’re feeling. It’s okay to be scared. I recommend you reach out to a therapist trained in grief and bereavement, which you can find here: https://grief.com/grief-counselor-directory/. Please know that, no matter what, you are not alone.

  46. Alison  February 3, 2021 at 1:15 am Reply

    I lost my younger brother on December 14, 2020. He was only 25, his life was taken away by depression. I miss him. I thought I was doing fine, but when I have time alone I can’t help going onto his facebook and instagram to start scrolling down his posts, or family photos I have in my albums. His death still feels unreal to me. I am a strong person, but his death really hit me hard. I won’t deny any future happiness in my life but I think a piece of me died when he died.

  47. dale  February 1, 2021 at 6:59 am Reply

    thank you.
    i’m in a very strange space with myself.
    i watched my brother get hit by a 4×4 and die. He was 3, I was 8.
    I’m 23 now. And i am still dealing with it, i didn’t have much/to no support when I was growing up with it – school didn’t really help, everyone was just telling me to get over it.
    Then, my dad died when I was 17.
    And I’m trying to accept it. As i am coping the best that i know i can right now,
    which lead me to your webpage.
    thank you.

    • Isabelle Siegel  February 1, 2021 at 12:12 pm Reply

      Dale, I’m so sorry to hear that you were forced to go through all of this and that you haven’t been given the support you deserve. I highly recommend you check out this article, which discusses the pressure to “get over” grief: https://whatsyourgrief.com/pressure-to-get-over-grief/ I’m glad you found our webpage… I hope it shows you that, no matter what, you are not alone. I’m proud of you for finding healthy ways to cope. All the best to you.

  48. Michelle  January 31, 2021 at 1:31 am Reply

    Everything you wrote was so fitting. I lost my only sibling on Christmas morning 2020. He was my older brother and very best friend and I just feel so lost and alone without him. I feel like I can’t tell my parents how I really feel and all I think about is how lonely ill be when my parents pass. I cry every day and have no interest in anything anymore. I feel like everyone around me has just gone on with their lives and they think I should too but all I can do is be sad, I just can’t get past it.

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    • Isabelle Siegel  January 31, 2021 at 10:45 am Reply

      Michelle, I’m truly so sorry for your loss. I understand that you feel pressured to move on… I highly recommend you check out this article: https://whatsyourgrief.com/grief-recovery-is-not-a-thing/ It’s normal to struggle to “get past” grief… because, in reality, we never fully recover from grief. That being said, you will get through this. If you don’t feel like you can speak with your parents, perhaps you should seek out the support of a therapist trained in grief and bereavement, which you can find here: https://grief.com/grief-counselor-directory/. All the best to you.

    • Lindsey  March 22, 2021 at 12:09 am Reply

      Michelle,

      I am so incredibly sorry to hear of your brother’s passing.
      You definitely need to tell your parents how you are feeling. Your grief is valid.
      I completely understand feeling alone, and thinking about how alone you will be once your parents have passed. You are also grieving a life that you didn’t expect to be taken. You assumed you would grow old with each other. You would always have each other to lean on and be there for each other. You likely hadn’t even thought about what it would be like if he passed, because you assume you will lose your parents long before you lose your sibling.

      I lost my older brother almost 8 years ago, and I still struggle with my grief. I see a therapist, I try to write down my thoughts when I can. Sometimes I have to schedule the with myself to listen to sad music and write everything down. And it feels better afterwards. But it never gets easier, you just figure out ways to cope with it.
      Please tell your parents how you are feeling. I know you don’t want to burden them, but it’s not a burden. Your grief is important and you need to keep a good line of communication with your parents. The three of you have to figure out what works best for your family now, and everyone’s voice needs to be heard.
      Sending you hugs.

  49. Sue  January 21, 2021 at 11:41 pm Reply

    As I read through the introduction I felt a strong connection to everything written on sibling grief. I was researching child bereavement at certain ages & how death of loved ones are processed in children. I lost my older brother, my best friend & protector on 4th of July 1994. I was 14 years old at the time. It was the most traumatizing loss a child at my age could bare. After finding out he was in a accident & was killed, I came home sat on the couch in shock and numb only to see the entire accident he was killed in on the news. In that moment I watched as they used his accident as an example for drinking and driving. I fell to my knees & in shock, in so much pain as I saw my brothers body covered in a yellow tarp on the television. I remember reaching out with my shivering hand touching where his body sat covered. I took everything in at the moment, his shoes were laying in the street & the vehicle holding my big brother was smashed in the middle.
    I am now 40 years old & I like many younger siblings forgotten in the most tragic time in a child left to try and understand the ways. My brother was our only brother & my mother’s only son. She wasn’t able to cope & broken hearted left me at home alone & went to the streets to drink her life away. With that I consistently try to understand my struggles as an adult. Finding my development & explanation for my behavior health. Gaging my traumatic experience separating each event by levels of trauma.
    I would like to try and utilize my childhood trauma to help others. Mainly children in similar situations. This is a far off dream that I’m driven to analyze by my own experience no only to give me some insight, I believe it will help me feel that I went through that all to help others.
    Thank you for reading & thank you so much for this site. Beautiful

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    • Isabelle Siegel  January 22, 2021 at 10:25 am Reply

      Sue, I’m so sorry to hear that you were forced to go through this at such a young age. Your desire to help others in similar situations is inspiring. Perhaps you could get involved in a grief support group, specifically for sibling losses/childhood grief? All the best.

    • Lindsey  March 22, 2021 at 12:14 am Reply

      Oh Sue. I am so so sorry that this happened to you, and at such a young age. I can’t even imagine.
      I had time to prepare for my brother’s death, and even then there isn’t enough time to prepare for it. But I can’t even imagine what you went through. Not to mention your mother leaving you at such a young age.
      You sound like a remarkable woman, regardless of these awful tragedies.
      I hope you are able to find a way to help others going through something similar.
      Sending hugs

  50. Bethany  January 19, 2021 at 10:13 am Reply

    I lost my older brother (age 33) on December 27th 2020. He was one of my best friends and while we lived in separate states, we still managed to be close. He had dealt with substance abuse and recovery his whole life, however his death was not due to an overdose and for that my family was thankful. His passing has been hard on both my older sister and I, especially since we also live in separate states and have to grieve separately. My brother had a larger than life personality and everyone who met him loved him. He dealt with a lot of survivor’s guilt as he had a lot of friends he lost to addiciton, so knowing he isn’t suffering through that pain anymore has brought my family some comfort through this difficult time. We miss him and we love him so much.

    • Isabelle Siegel  January 19, 2021 at 12:05 pm Reply

      Bethany, I’m so sorry for your loss. Your brother sounds like an incredible person who will be missed dearly by you and countless others.

      • Bethany  February 13, 2021 at 12:10 pm

        My name is bethany and i also recently lost my brother who was 33, he died in his sleep and aspirated vomit. Still waiting on toxicology. I feel so lonely and sad that he never got to have children and he wanted so badly. His last months were so painful for him, the love of his life left him a week before their wedding day. I had a feeling of impending doom, i just knew something was going to happen…this feels like a sick joke.

      • Isabelle Siegel  February 17, 2021 at 12:37 pm

        Bethany, I’m so sorry for your loss and for the pain you’re being forced to navigate. I hear that you feel alone… Do you have any friends or family that you can reach out to for support? If not, you may want to look into finding a therapist trained in grief and bereavement, which you can find here: https://complicatedgrief.columbia.edu/for-the-public/find-a-therapist/. Please know that, no matter what, you are not alone in this. All the best to you.

  51. JacQ’uie  January 13, 2021 at 9:07 am Reply

    I lost my brother Larry, to a drunk driver on November 29, 2020. The other driver crossed over into his lane and he was killed upon impact. We were just together 15 mins prior to his death! He was the youngest of my two older brothers! We were extremely close for we had been roommates for 6 years! I love both of my brothers dearly, we have a different relationship but nonetheless I don’t love them any less. I miss him so much and the pain is so unbearable sometimes I can not stand it! I’m not sure if I will ever ever come back from this, it was just three of us and now there’s two.

  52. Christine  January 13, 2021 at 6:05 am Reply

    My younger sister passed away on New Years Eve Morning, less than 2 weeks ago. She had a massive heart attack and she was only 36 years old. I lost my older sister to cancer back in 2006, she was only 43. My brother moved to Florida and i am the only one left to take care of my parents that are in their 80’s. I feel like i have no time to grieve and i don’t know who i can talk to. I am busy with my job, my household and taking care of my parents and everything they need. I don’t mind doing it i am just tired and can’t sleep. I am so lost and all i do is think about her and wonder why this happened to her. She was so young and getting her life together. My brother hasn’t talked to me in 2 years and he just tells my mom to be strong. Not once has he offered to come help. I feel alone and probably just feeling sorry for myself. But i feel like life is over and i am just waiting for my turn to go. How do i help my parents with their depression when i can’t help with my own? I feel so lost.

  53. Michelle L Kontos  January 11, 2021 at 6:41 pm Reply

    I lost my brother on May 3rd, 2016, he was 44 and I was 42 at the time. I am now 46 and I am now older then my big brother. IDK where to even start with him. He was the CIO of the US state department. He had a few separate college degrees and I so looked up to him my whole life. His death haunts me. He told me everything, so Why didn’t he tell me something was wrong? Or so that’s the story. He was my first friend, my best friend……he was fine a few days prior, then all hell broke loose. Our parent’s got divorced 6 months before he died, he left me with a mess. I am so mad at him for that, but I’m more mad because he didn’t tell me what was going on and I swear to you he told me everything. I just feel betrayed….was it me?

    • IsabelleS  January 12, 2021 at 12:24 pm Reply

      Michelle, I’m very sorry for your loss. The mixed emotions you’re experiencing–the anger, sadness, betrayal–are normal and valid after a loss. I hear that you blame yourself for him not telling you what was going on… I hope you can ultimately forgive yourself. You did nothing wrong. All the best.

  54. Dawn  December 30, 2020 at 10:51 pm Reply

    I Lost my younger brother in June at 42. We were 3 years apart and he was my life ride or die. We fought like dogs at times but no one else should mess with the other. He always had my back and I always had his.
    we had just lost our Dad to a sudden heart atack little over a year before my brother passed and I am finding it hard and ..I mean really freaking hard to not have the only person in the world that knew and understood how I feel. I feel left and abandoned.
    I find myself going to pick up the phone to call or text him about this or that and it breaks my heart each time.
    I try to think of the many funny
    Stories/ memories that we had together but it really hurts and sometimes makes me mad he Left me. I can totally relate to the part of the artical about my grief is somehow lost to the grief of my mom and others feeling like my grief does not count.I know that it does but it still makes me feel that way. I just want to yell “What about me?” but that would be selfish. I am coping day to day trying to navigate through this grief and that is why I am glad I found this page. Noone gets it unless they have been through it. The artical also makes me feel like I am not alone in the feelings that I have so thank you. I needed this. Sorry so long winded and thanks for listening.

  55. Bert  December 26, 2020 at 2:47 am Reply

    I am lost , my brother just passed from hypertension. He was I. Exceptional shape and was a yer older than me. I’m 40 now and my world has been up ended. I feel ok some days and others I cry and the sadness turns to anger. I don’t know what to do. I pray at night and ask for strength and fortitude and I feel I am being consumed by this. I went through this at 16 when friends died in my hands and now my brother. It’s to much for me. I would never hurt myself as I’ll never see my brother again but I’ve become a distant person of my self. At times I don’t even know myself. I’m truly lost.

    • IsabelleS  December 26, 2020 at 10:13 am Reply

      Bert, I’m so very sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you. I want you to know how normal it is to feel as though you’ve lost yourself after the death of a loved one… You are not alone in this. You may want to check out this article: https://whatsyourgrief.com/dont-know-anymore-grief-loss-identity/ Please be gentle with yourself as you navigate this loss. All the best to you.

    • Michelle L Kontos  January 11, 2021 at 7:03 pm Reply

      Bert,
      I have let my brothers death consume my life. He has been gone since May 3, 2016. I try so hard to change that, his death consuming my life. No one can tell you how to feel as no one can tell me how to feel. If you haven’t lost a sibling, then you just don’t get it…. prayers to you.

    • Sam  November 17, 2021 at 12:49 pm Reply

      My 15 yo younger sister died on 24/10/2021. I’m 19. I loved her so very much. She was just a baby. And it wasn’t her time. She died of post covid MISC. This grief will kill me. I hope it does. She was the brightest, full of love and life. My support system. My heart aches for her. All the bad things I ever did to her keep replaying in my head, the silly fights, the hitting, the shouting, the bad things I said. I blocked her off my stories once and she heard someone else talk about it, and she asked me sweetly with so much hurt in her voice, why cant i see your stories? And i felt so ashamed but i lied and said, ues you can while unblocking her, and she half believed me but since then I decided to change. I should have valued her more. She loved me through it all. She was my love. I was a kid myself, but I should have seen her for all she was, and I didn’t. I thought her an annoyance, but I loved her so much, since the last year we grew very close. I protected her through all the family fights as a kid, and now she’s not here anymore. I want to die with her. I don’t know how to age without her. Every conversation I have is fake, a sham to make everyone think I’m alright. I’m not. I’m really not. It should have been me. It really should. Not her. She was good and lovely and the best. I will love her through the divide of death. How can I not? Why her? What am I supposed to do now? I hate myself. I don’t deserve this life. I want to see her again i want her back.

      • Litsa  November 18, 2021 at 1:04 pm

        Sam, I know it feels impossible to go on without her, but please know that you can and will and there is support. The thing about grief is that, in the early days and weeks (and even months) no one knows how they will survive. It feels unimaginable. But you do – one breath at a time, one step at a time. I know you are focused on all the regrets in this moment, because our brains love to focus on the negative- it is a natural inclination. But it sounds like there were many wonderful things too – ways your supported and protected her and recent times that you were close. The nature of sibling relationships is that they are almost always a mix – wonderful closeness mixed with fights and not appreciating one another. And yet siblings usually still know that they love each other, even when actions don’t always show it. Though aging without her here will always feel incredibly hard, you will still have a relationship with her memory – people will get to “know” her through your stories and memories of her. You’ll always know the way that she impacted the person you and will be able to live in ways that puts that into the world. Though the regrets we have are always hard to live with, like wishing you’d valued her more, one thing you can do in her memory is to live in a way that values others and puts the same love and light you say in her out into the world. It is not a solution to the pain – it never will be. But it is a place to start. Please know that you can always find support through a grief therapist and if you are ever thinking of hurting yourself, or even just need someone to talk to when you’re very down, the suicide prevention helpline is always available at 800-273-8255 or to do an online chat here.

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  56. Laura Higgins  December 21, 2020 at 1:50 am Reply

    Everyone will tell you my oldest brother was the kindest, happiest most loving person You could ever know. He was a police officer for 18 years in Arizona. He was well known by many people he even worked at many schools on the Indian reservation (even though he was a tall blonde white guy) so all the kids and families knew him. He only had 1 more year before he could retire and move back home to Washington State. He got a call around 9am for an erratic person so he went to try and help. When he got there and got out of his car and the guy immediately came at him with a broken bottle so he backed up. Then the guy jumped in and stole his police car drove aways then did a u turn and then purposely drove over my brother with his own police car and killed him. I can’t stop thinking that if my brother wasn’t so nice he should have shot him when he was stealing his car and then he would still be here. The public is always complaining about cops shooting people and no one cares about how devestated me my 2 brothers, his half brother and sister, his wife, his 7 children and his parents are. It has been about 5 months and everyone is just in a continued sad and confused daze with no relief in sight. Oh yeah and then after the guy purposely hit a few more cop cars before he got stopped his excuse was he was that hadn’t slept in 3 days because he was on a meth bender.

    • IsabelleS  December 21, 2020 at 10:38 am Reply

      Laura, I’m so sorry for your loss. Your brother sounds like an incredible person who will be missed dearly by many people. It sounds as though the way your brother died is making the grieving process all the more difficult for you… which is so understandable considering the traumatic nature of his death. You may want to check out these articles: https://whatsyourgrief.com/struggling-with-how-a-loved-one-died/ and https://whatsyourgrief.com/traumatic-loss/#:~:text=%E2%80%9CA%20death%20is%20considered%20traumatic,loved%20one%20suffered%3B%20or%20if It might be helpful to seek out the support of a therapist trained in grief and bereavement, which you can find here: https://grief.com/grief-counselor-directory/ Once again, I’m so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you and your family. All the best.

    • Michelle L Kontos  January 11, 2021 at 6:51 pm Reply

      Laura, I am so sorry, what a horrible thing. You are right though, this kind of stuff doesn’t make the news. I’m in Pittsburgh and haven’t heard this story. It has to fit the narrative. You and your family are in my thoughts and prayers. I lost my brother under different circumstances, but I still lost my brother and unless you’ve lost a sibling, you don’t get it. He had no wife or kids, but all ask about my parent’s….what about me?

  57. Cate  December 14, 2020 at 10:39 pm Reply

    I lost my older sister to brain cancer, and then my dad to stomach cancer 6 months later in 2019. My mum is beyond shattered, my family torn apart and I think my dad just gave up when he got the diagnosis. After she passed away, my sisters husband (in a diabolical hate-filled act) scattered my sisters ashes and refuses to let my mum or any of her blood relatives know where and when that happened. There is a pervading black emptiness of soul watching my mum being forced to suffer so terribly because she can’t get any rest or closure.

  58. Justin Yates  December 12, 2020 at 8:36 am Reply

    My brother passed away this morning from cancer. I am numb and upset at the same time. I feel relieved but also torn to pieces. I just talked to him yesterday and was going to hang out with him tomorrow. Now I feel like a piece of shit for putting it off until “tomorrow” when I knew he had limited tomorrows. It’s been a long fight and what makes it extra hard is the only reason he is now gone is due to a misdiagnosis 5 years ago. Had they not though a giant tumor was a blood clot and put him on blood thinners for a year he’d still be alive and healthy. He had a tumor in his leg, they let it go misdiagnosed for a year and by the time they realized hey thats not a blood clot thats a tumor it had already sread through his body. He died because it went to his lungs, he was in a lot of pain and his life ended in suffering which torments me. I hate doctors and feel as though they treated my brother very poorly and really didn’t care at all. I’ve long thought doctors were terrible human beings, and my brothers experience has cemented that notion. Essentially psychopaths who got a job instead of becoming criminals. I thought I was ready for my brothers death, it’s been a long time coming, but when I got the call I was devastated. I know he knew how I felt about him and all of that. I know he loved me. Most of my pain is based in the anger that he shouldn’t be dead, doctors killed him, and those same doctors still have jobs and make tons of money fucking people over. I think they should be in prison. They indirectly murdered my brother. I’ve so very angry, that my brothers pain and stress and loss of life, my moms immense pain of losing her first born, my pain for loss of my brother who was always there when I needed him. All caused by a Doctor who can’t read an ultrasound. That same Doctor had the gall to show up at one of my brothers benefits, benefits to raise money to pay his medical bills, what a piece of shit that guy is. Hey I gave you a death sentence and you owe me money but here’s $300, I hope that fucking guy loses someone close to him, then maybe he will have more of an appreciation and respect for the lives of others. I don’t know how doctors do it, if I gave a patient a death sentence I’d quit medicine, because i would never again want to ruin anyones life. I hope he gets hit by a truck, with his brother watching.

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    • IsabelleS  December 14, 2020 at 12:11 pm Reply

      Justin, I am truly so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you. Everything you are feeling–the conflicting emotions, the numbness, the anger–is normal and okay. I recommend you check out this article: https://whatsyourgrief.com/all-about-anger/ All the best to you.

  59. Keisha  December 8, 2020 at 12:57 am Reply

    I loss my brother 6-26-2020 due to complications of covid. He fought for his life for 2 months and 16 days. I am slowly accepting that his death wasn’t my fault. I felt that I should have told the doctors to not intubate him but he agreed to it. It just they needed a verbal witness. When the nurses told me that he could into cardiac arrest at anytime that day I was numb. I took my mom with me and the minute my mom went into the room and told him that she was there that’s when his heart stopped. They performed CPR twice and after the third time his hear stopped, I told them no more. I didn’t what to think or do at that moment. He was older brother and my only sibling and I wish that I could have done something to prevent him from getting the virus. He didn’t travel anywhere he wore his mask at work and on the way home. I just don’t understand. He was only 40 years old and had no pre-existing medical conditions. It hurts so bad that holidays and birthdays will never be the same. I miss him so much.

  60. Kam Williams  December 5, 2020 at 7:19 am Reply

    I lost my 20 year old brother today to suicide. I have no idea where to even begin with the emotions I’m feeling. We are 7 years apart and weren’t close growing up but over the last few years have gotten closer as he opened up to me about his mental health struggles.

    Thankful to have found this page. Thank you for caring enough to make this site, post, and Facebook group. Praying for us all on this healing journey <3

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    • IsabelleS  December 7, 2020 at 10:51 am Reply

      Kam, I’m truly so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you. I too am glad that you found this page… I hope it brings you even a bit of comfort in this trying time. I recommend you check out this article: https://whatsyourgrief.com/grieving-suicide-death/ You are not alone.

    • Alison  February 3, 2021 at 1:36 am Reply

      Hey Kam, I know no one would exactly know how your relationship with your brother was and how sad you feel about your brother’s death, but I have a similar experience here. I lost my 25-year-old brother in December 2020 to suicide. He’s 3 years younger than me. We were not very close when we grew up but as we grew older I thought I could finally be a good and caring older sister as I finally knew how to take care of people. We lived in different countries because of his studies and my marriage. The last time we met, I was so happy we could finally open up to each other and talk more maturely, and I was so looking forward to next time we meet. Little did I know there would be no next time…..

  61. Veronica Sousa  November 15, 2020 at 4:30 pm Reply

    I lost my brother on October 3rd 2020 at our home. Basically he just fainted and passed away. My mum found him at the living room mat and we still don’t know what happened because he was healthy and he’d never complain about anything. We tried CPR but he wasn’t responding untill the medics arrived. The doctors told us it was something fulminant, they were able to recover his heart at the hospital but his brain went too much time without oxigen. It’s so devastating to lose a brother at 29. With his whole life ahead of him. We were so close. He was my life guarantee. He’s gone and a part of me is too. I miss him so much!

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    • IsabelleS  November 16, 2020 at 11:12 am Reply

      Veronica, I’m very sorry to hear about your loss. I completely understand feeling as though part of you died along with him. This is such a normal and valid feeling. The ambiguity of your brother’s passing definitely makes things harder. I recommend you check out this article: https://whatsyourgrief.com/struggling-with-how-a-loved-one-died/ Please be gentle with yourself. All the best to you.

    • Cathyperez34@gmail.com  December 22, 2020 at 12:21 am Reply

      I lost my baby sister on 11-10-2020, 10 days after her 32nd birthday. My mom found her on her bed and she was already gone. We dont know why or what happened and because of Covid we won’t have a complete autopsy report for another 3 months. I am completely devastated. I am sorry for your loss as well

      • IsabelleS  December 22, 2020 at 12:07 pm

        Cathy, I’m so very sorry for your loss. I imagine that the uncertainty surrounding your sister’s death is making things especially difficult for you. COVID truly has made the grieving process all the more difficult. You may want to check out this resource: https://whatsyourgrief.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/Grief-Covid-Document.pdf Once again, I’m sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you… All the best.

  62. Ryan  October 31, 2020 at 2:28 pm Reply

    I’m 27 and I lost my little sister just over a week ago to asthma. She was on heavy doses of medication and steroids in order to help her overcome her i lack of white blood cells, but unfortunately her body couldn’t take it and she collapsed at our family home after not doing able to breathe.

    She’s my only sibling and it pains me so much to know that as her big brother I couldn’t save her. The doctors and ambulances arrived within 10 minutes and worked on her for a couple of ours attempting to restart her heart, which happened on/off, until her heart stopped for the last time and could not be restarted after the last 40 minutes of the doctors trying.

    They tried everything at our home, they couldn’t rush her to hospital because of the valuable time which needed to be spent working on her. Since that day and in the last week, everything is sinking in and I am worrying about everything. The thought of dealing with future life within my family all alone terrifies me, the fact I won’t have my little sister who I love dearly won’t be able to walk through life with me, handling future family tragedies, getting married, living life with me, everything.

    It’s changed the way I look at life completely and I’m still in a state of shock, even after it’s hit me. The loss of my little sister and the time since had made so many worried topple ontop of me that weren’t otherwise there. Worry after worry after worry overwhelming me in my realisation of that tragic event and all of the worries that it brings with it as I’m now the only sibling left.

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    • Amir  November 1, 2020 at 5:50 pm Reply

      Sorry to hear you friend. I also lost my brother in Covid. It has been just a week. I am lost, broken and shattered. I sm trying to recover to my normal life but in just a week my world is changed and my heart gone with him.

      • Daisy  November 26, 2020 at 4:00 am

        In 2012 I was 15.
        My brother was 11.
        He drowned at a lake on June 6th of that year.
        I wasn’t there, but every time I let myself relive those last moments with him, I remember the moment I called after him with the intense feeling of not wanting to let him go on that lake trip.
        I think I still feel I could have saved him.

      • IsabelleS  November 27, 2020 at 11:41 am

        Daisy, I’m so sorry for your loss. I understand that you feel guilty… This is such a normal experience in the grieving process. I recommend you check out this article: https://whatsyourgrief.com/guilt-and-grief-2/ I hope this website/community brings you some peace. All the best.

    • Racda  November 2, 2020 at 5:44 pm Reply

      I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my brother 10 years ago and I remember him as if it were yesterday. The grief never really goes away, but in time it changes and the love shared has becomes the prominent thing in my heart. I hope this will eventuate for you.

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  63. Irishman  October 30, 2020 at 8:41 pm Reply

    Where do I start! Probably today. I have a beautiful family and I couldn’t be happier. I have a wife who I love dearly and a daughter who I would die for. Normality is how most would describe it. But 25 years ago I lost my younger brother.
    I miss my brother terribly, but missing him won’t bring him back. Remembering him keeps him alive in my mind and that is now good enough for me.
    However, it took me years to get to this point.
    And this is my point. It hurts, it hurts like hell. But eventually that hurt turns to memories. Nice memories; funny memories. They say time is a great healer, it really is. Trust me. You just have to take control of your own life & park the past. Don’t let it define you & consume you.

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    • IsabelleS  October 31, 2020 at 1:06 pm Reply

      I am so very sorry for your loss and the hurt you have had to endure. It’s so special that you have turned your pain into memories, and that you keep your brother alive in your mind after all this time. Thank you for taking the time to share your story and perspective!

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  64. Atlanta  October 27, 2020 at 8:16 pm Reply

    I’ve recently lost my 18 year old brother, there was only 3 years between us and we’re only a family of four. He was taken from us and murdered and our pain isn’t over. I’d give anything to have my brother torment me one more time and I’m broken that he’s missed so much out of his life and things he’ll never get to do. I feel like I’m trying so hard to be strong for my parents that I feel guilty for being sad but everyday seems to be getting harder and not better could someone tell me if it does get easier or will it be like this forever.

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    • Ishy  November 5, 2020 at 5:28 am Reply

      I am so sorry for your loss. I also recently lost my 25 yo younger brother to a senseless murder. We are also a family of 4 and it’s like we all lost a huge part of ourselves. I am trying to be strong for my parents but it hurts too much. As the time is passing I miss him more and more. He was the sweetest person in my life and I could have given my life for him. If only I could bring him back. I hope we can all find some strength to bear with this tremendous pain.

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      • IsabelleS  November 5, 2020 at 10:51 am

        Ishy, thank you for taking the time to comment and to share your story. I am so very sorry for your loss. I hope this website and this community brings you some comfort. All the best to you.

  65. Stephanie  October 27, 2020 at 4:12 pm Reply

    I never thought that I was grieving until today… I’ve lost both of my brothers to muscular dystrophy. I’m not sure what’s worse…. knowing your entire life that both of your older brothers were doing to die probably before they turn 20… or it being an accident. Since I always knew it would happen, I felt like I never needed to accept the emotions that came with it… I feel guilty that I was the only healthy one, upset that I didn’t spend more time, mad that I was embarrassed as a child, traumatized from the events and so very alone. I get so jealous when I see my husband with his siblings and angry inside that I just want one more conversation with either of them. I can’t explain the daily struggles I go through because how do you talk about something that feels like black nothingness. It’s been 15 years since I lost my oldest brother and 4 years since I lost my other. Now it’s just me and I don’t think I’ll ever not feel alone. Is it wrong to feel like that even though I have an amazing family? It’s like there’s a piece that I can’t fill

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  66. Ghazala Khan  October 21, 2020 at 7:18 pm Reply

    It has been 8 months since I lost my younger middle beloved sister to cancer- she had thyroid cancer which metastasized into severe bone cancer
    She was 50 – Two years younger than me. I feel the pain of her loss everyday very deeply. It is still not easy for me that she has gone from us forever.

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  67. Madalin  October 8, 2020 at 11:21 pm Reply

    On 9/11/2020 my 20 year old brother took his life. No one knows why he did it, but he was struggling from depression but hid it from all of us. I’m only 23 so we were pretty close. Especially in high school. He was always my protector, and midnight food run buddy. We shared a walk growing up and whenever I knocked on it he always came running. I feel like a piece of my heart is gone. I was always driving him to his practices and I was at every swim meet, wrestling match, school function, and every single thing I could be at. I loved being his older sister, I loved taking care of him and spending time with him. He gave the best hugs, where he would just hold me. I miss him so much, and am struggling to come to the reality that I’ll never see him again, that I will never hug him again. He will never meet my future kids or be at my wedding this summer. I’m just heartbroken, but have to be strong for my parents.

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    • IsabelleS  October 9, 2020 at 11:02 am Reply

      Hi, I am so very sorry for your loss and for this pain you are being made to endure. My heart goes out to you. I know you want to be strong for your parents, but I want to remind you that you too are allowed to grieve. Be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to feel whatever it is you feel. You cannot be there for your parents unless you are first there for yourself. I suggest you check out this post: https://whatsyourgrief.com/grieving-suicide-death/ All the best to you and your family.

  68. Hector  September 26, 2020 at 7:40 pm Reply

    Hello, I recently lost my youngest brother He had just turned 15 earlier this year. As the oldest I was expected help out a lot which helped forge an immensely close bond with my brother Leo. Leo was born with a heart murmur and while growing up one of his arteries was not growing and he was going to require a surgery. Our middle brother of 19 years of age was born with a similar problem and has already undergone surgery. Leo went to get his surgery and since I had just recently moved away and was working at a hospital I attempted to limit my exposure to him because of COVID and did not want to put him at risk. Unfortunately the surgery did not go as planned and we were told he was going to need a heart transplant. We were all very hopeful, but could not see him due to COVID restrictions, they did however permit one of my parents to be present at a time so for two months my parents left work to swap off days to be with our youngest brother. I had been working 60 or more hours to make ends meet plus receiving support from other family members and friends. Unfortunately on the 15th of September 2020, I got a call from my mother who was with him that day and told me that I should come see my brother because myself and my other brother were going to be able to see him. I ran out of work at 3am and drove to my parents place to pick up my father and brother as we drove to the hospital we were all very silent not knowing what to say. Once we arrived we went up to see him and I got this horrible like knot in my stomach that I have not been able to shake since. We spoke with Leo, but he was heavily sedated. Then after some hours they said that the doctors wanted to speak with us. When they broke the news to us that they had done everything possible and that there was nothing that could be done I felt my heart sink. We spent the remainder of that day with leo and into the night. Eventually they allowed few family members to see him. we sat around with him and played some of his favorite music, the medication began to wear off slowly and he woke up in a lot of pain but he always held a smile. He began to raise his arms as much as hi body would let him and with all the strength he had he began to dance swaying his arms side to side. We spent his final moments with him until 2am the next day when we were told we could not wait any longer. I held his hand while they unplugged the machines that acted as his lung, heart and kidney’s. In that moment I knew we would no longer have another moment together. Leo and I were very close. He would message or call me for anything. Sometimes I would find it funny that he would ask me for permission prior to even asking my parents. Some days we would just talk, others we would play video games online. Now that he is gone I feel like I have to make sure that my parents are okay as well as my brother. As the oldest I was constantly reminded by family members at the funeral that I had to be strong and take care of everybody now. I know they don’t mean it with malicious intent but I feel like still have not been able to comprehend what it means for him to be gone. I still feel like he is going to step out of his room and run over to give me a hug like he always would. Then he would ask me if I was going to spend the night and we could hang out and play. I am 23 years old and we were roughly 9 years apart in age. I miss him like crazy and at the same time can not believe it.

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    • IsabelleS  September 27, 2020 at 9:13 am Reply

      Hi Hector, thank you for taking the time to comment. I am so sorry for your loss and for this tremendous pain you are experiencing. I know it may not feel like it, but your feelings right now are completely normal. I understand how difficult it is that everyone is expecting you to be strong for your family. As difficult as it may be, it may be helpful to speak to your family members and other loved ones when they say things like this. It is so important that you communicate your own needs, and not just take care of others. Hope this brings you some comfort.

  69. Amikins  September 26, 2020 at 12:08 am Reply

    I lost my only sister a month ago to a heart attack. She was only 42. Our dad died back in March in his sleep from a stroke. I just feel sick with sadness and like I am walking in a nightmare.

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  70. Maria  September 18, 2020 at 7:06 pm Reply

    I have grieved a sibling, but at that time my parents had already died. My son died in April 2020, covid age 38. I’m posting because I want to support my other children through their grieving process, and I want them to know their grief isn’t being overlooked. How can I best let them know.

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  71. Angel  September 16, 2020 at 9:44 am Reply

    I lost my dad (july 2019) and my older sister (dec 2019). It was so hard for our family because we are still grieving from the loss of my dad when my sister died. Everyone around me kept telling me to be strong for my mom and my younger brother which I did. It was just so hard because I felt like I can’t be weak and show any sign of weakness for them. I had to be strong when every inch of me is hurting, breaking and all I really want is to break down and be weak. I just felt like people forgot that I’m grieving too and that I needed someone to lean on to. I can’t grieve the way I wanted to, I always hold my tears and it’s really killing me inside. I feel like any moment I’m gonna lose it. I feel like no one understands my pain. My sister and I are like twins, I’m 28 she’s 29. I also felt like I’m living in the shadow of my deceased sibling due to comparisons from relatives and friends.

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  72. M E2  September 16, 2020 at 2:03 am Reply

    Im sorry if my story is long i just need this off my chest. People dont know the struggle I face just about every day. I’m glad I stumbled on this blog post. Because I felt a lone and still do for the past 6 years. I’m still grieving the murder of my bestfriend/ big brother who was more like my twin but born 2 years apart. I was 25 at the time we both were attending college together and living together in Georgia he was a Computer Science major just 1 semester away from graduation. I can remember it like it happened yesterday. It was a day after his birthday he just turned 28 he was going to meet a friends I didn’t think to much of it, while I was at my internship. I was thinking ok he’s probably going to go out for his birthday weekend, so I got home no one was there so I decided to go spend some time with my boyfriend just on Friday. Then Saturday one of my friends who was staying with us came back to the apartment and it was destroyed I told her to go stay with one of your friends until I get back. I panicked I called my brother over 20 times that night, he never missed a phone call. My mom called me panicking and it was one of the worst cries I have ever heard, and the pain and guilt I was feeling inside was difficult to express and explain because my brother and I where supposed to keep an eye on eachother which we always did but, just this 1 time was all it took. I stayed with my boyfriend until I had to go back home on sunday and saw the livingroom was destroyed, the kitchen destroyed and his room destroyed but my room we untouched. I saw that a detective left their card on the counter in the kitchen. I did not want my boyfriend to leave me alone until I find out what was going on but he had to go but he stayed until my friend got there. That Monday felt like a walking nightmare, I got up went to my internship because I was still in my 90 days but they knew something was wrong I told them my brother never came home and I dont know where he is, I was in tears and i dont like to cry in front of people at all but that day i just could not hold it in. They told me to go home and get things settled so I did, i took the train home and walked from the train stop to my apartment. I called the police department and they told me that they are going to connect me to the coroner’s office. With my friend with me we went to identify my brothers body. I did not know I walked passed where my brother was killed that hurt me even more. That was the day my world came to an end and life was never the same having to tell your mother her only son who survived and life threatening accident when we where kids was gone. I felt guilt and shame, because I knew who did it because this person was bullying my brother and threatening him for 3 months had wanted to talk with him to apologize but that was a lie. It all came out in court in 2019 we got justice. My life, my family’s life, and all of his friends he knew all over the world lives are forever changed because we no longer have the one person who was a light in our lives here anymore. The outpouring of love that was recived from all his friends was appreciated. I lost 5 years of my life but I am now starting to remember and wake up from this nightmare after 6years. Even though the guilt and shame is still there from time to time, it finally feels good to be able to speak to my mom again without the full hurt, pain, guilt, and shame I felt in 2014. We are still healing but it so much better when justice served. My brothers image at the coroner’s office is forever etched in my brain. But I thank God for letting me know my brother is ok. This is a cautionary tale I will have to tell my children one day and when that time comes I will be open to let them know they had/have an uncle but his heart was to big for this world. Love on your loved ones while they are still here because you never know when their time on this earth will be over

    Thank you for having a place for people to share their stories of grief.

    Stay Blessed

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  73. Kaye  September 14, 2020 at 2:40 am Reply

    My little brother was my best friend. He was hilarious, so smart, a gifted musician, an amazing dad, and literally my best friend. He could light up any room he entered. Until the end. The last months of his life, he was the most miserable person I’ve ever been around. He allowed actions of other people to determine his mindset and happiness. On 9/11/10, my world stopped. I received a text from someone that said “omg your brother is threatening to kill himself and I don’t have time for this”. I immediately went to his house ( less than a block away and yes I called 911 before I even got there) and found out he had made good on his threat. The phone was still in his pocket from where he reached out to the only person he wanted affirmation from. I tried so hard to get him back, to open his eyes and wipe the blood from his nose and tell me he was just joking. I did CPR until the responding police officer made me stop for the medics to take over. He was not even 30 yet, still a child himself with so much to live for and so much love to give. It still feels like yesterday, despite it being 10 years and 2 days ago. He left behind so many people that thought he was a perfect, amazing young man – Most importantly, his daughters, my son, our parents, grandparents and me. If he had called me, we could have figured it out. But he chose to call someone else, and she didn’t have the time to speak to him despite him being her husband. I’ve tried for 10 years to understand. I hope he found the peace he needed, because I lost mine when he took his last breath.

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    • Sally  September 14, 2020 at 5:13 pm Reply

      Kaye,

      I know “I’m Sorry” does not take away the pain but while reading your post I am filled with sadness for you and me. I have lost my parents, and my four siblings in the span of 20 years but that is not all, I have felt suicidal many times during that 20 years. I have always managed to talk myself out of it because of the ones you leave behind. I wonder if he secretly suffered from depression and hid it from his family and the world. Those of us that suffer from depression learn how to mask it. Understand, I am just wondering, not assuming or diagnosing. I just was so touched by your story.

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  74. Kasandra  September 12, 2020 at 8:41 pm Reply

    I lost my big brother just under 9 years ago…. today is his birthday. he would have been 30. I’ve never really talked about how his death effected me. never really felt i could. since he died I’ve also lost our mom and our grandpa…. i didnt feel like anyone would understand. My entire family flocked around our grandparents when my brother died. They didnt even try to comfort my mom or me. i had to step up and try to keep my mom in one piece… obviously it wasnt going to work but i had to try. My family proved i couldnt talk about it to anyone. My stepdad tried to get me into therapy for a little bit but i fought. like i said i felt i had to be the strong one so i felt that i couldnt be strong if i talked to anyone. It hit me today almost 9 years later that while yes ive mourned i havent truly let myself mourn the way i should have from the begining. thank you for this. i needed help. and i needed to know i wasnt alone. i was only 17 when he died. my family let a 17 year old be the one to try to hold everything together. i think they may have done more damage to me then than they had ever done growing up

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  75. Kristen  September 6, 2020 at 10:36 pm Reply

    I lost my brother last Monday 08.31.20. He had been in the hospital since Sunday 08.01.20. He found out he had Coronavirus that Thursday 07.29.20 when he came down with a fever of 102F. That first week in the hospital he stayed on isolation and was having to wearing a C-Pap to help him breath. The following Monday 08.09.20 I came home from work hearing that my brother had been put on a ventilator in CCU. It’s very confusing on how he ended up there since he had been fine that week before. He stayed on the ventilator for the following 3 weeks until his heart could no long take all the sedatives and paralytic drug they had been administering him. I feel like my brother could have lived if he had been treated at a different hospital but his wife did not want to transfer him. I have all these feelings wrapped up inside me from being sad and depressed to being upset and angry. My brother was only 36. He did not deserve to die this early in life and I’m heartbroken knowing that my one and only brother who is my only sibling has left this earth and I will never see him again. I just would like to know how everyone copes with someone this close to you passing away unexpectedly. I never imagined this happening a month ago and now here it is September and he’s gone from my life. He’s gone from his 5 year old daughters life also who he’ll never get to see grow up. I feel lost without him

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    • Jo  September 16, 2020 at 1:59 am Reply

      I loss my brother 8/27/20 to a motorcycle accident. A man ran a red light and hit him. He died on the side of the road. He was one of the greatest people I ever meet and he was my protector and best friend? I miss him so much it physically hurts me. He left behind an 8 year old son….I’m sorry for your loss! May we both find the strength to find happiness without ever losing sight of our love for them. I think that’s my biggest obstacle… I don’t think I can ever be happy without him here?

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      • Megan L Parker  December 8, 2020 at 3:44 pm

        Jo, I am so sorry for your pain. My brother was also my favorite human, best friend and protector. I know what it’s like to feel you will never be able to answer the question, “How are you today” with a positive reply ever again. You can’t even envision it. Your whole identity feels smashed. You feel you only function in life as a team. How can you go on? I am coming up on the four year anniversary (1/22/17). I can tell you it took a long time to have good days, but you will eventually get there. (Take as long as it takes you-don’t put a timeline on this!) I’m sorry to say, you will still have the hard days and you may still weep for your loss four years later as I do. But I envision his voice, I read the words in his cards to me, and I look at pictures that bring back memories and I know he is with me at times, still cheering me on. You have to go on, because your brother is still cheering for you too. Again, so sorry. The pain is relentless. The missing is relentless. But you will get better at living with it.

  76. Janet H Jones  August 29, 2020 at 10:38 pm Reply

    I lost my big brother on Monday, just 5 days ago. We were extremely close and I am just crushed. I feel like he was robbed of 20 years of life as he was only 61 years old. He was one of my best friends. I feel like I’m living in a nightmare; I’ve never lost anyone close to me and it just feels like it’s not real. I suppose in time I will feel the reality of it and learn to accept it but right now I just wish I could turn back time. He bumped his foot, broke his toe and it became infected. After taking antibiotics the infection didn’t subside. He ended up in the hospital for 6 days where they pumped him with more antibiotics. He was released and the infection didn’t go away so he was given even more antibiotics. He died of acute liver failure which appears to have been the result of an overdose of antibiotics. This year is just too crazy to be true. I’m sooo heartbroken.

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    • Maria  September 18, 2020 at 7:27 pm Reply

      I truly feel for you and my other children. I lost my son age 38 to covid April 2020, they lost their brother. I to feel my son may have survived if treated elsewhere, something I couldn’t control. The reality is, the outcome may have been the same regardless. I know from previous experience with the death of my brother, that you can say a lot of ifs but in the end it doesn’t change anything. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh. The loss of my son has been the worst pain I’ve ever had, and I also know the pain of loosing a sibling. I feel for you and for my other children and all those who have lost loved ones to covid. Your grieve journey will be as individual as you. I hope you get the support you need.

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  77. Pat Emily  August 29, 2020 at 7:25 pm Reply

    Yesterday, I learned about the tragic death of a younger sibling while surfing online. There was a 2-line notice on a website of a Crematorium where she had passed away. I was so shocked, I nearly passed out. The younger sister had become estranged from the family when when a man got her hooked on drugs and prostitution when she was in her 20’s. This was around 1990. She shunned the family for 30 years! Now, I accidentally learned of her death over 2 years ago inJune 2018. The circumstances of her death were tragic in that she lived alone and apparently had a stroke around June 20, 2018. Her remains were only discovered after 2-3 weeks, lying on the bathroom floor in a state of decomposition. She was cremated. Since she was estranged from the family, the Medical Examiner who performed the autopsy did not inform the family at the time she passed. Apparently they didn’t know who to contact. I only learned about her passing when I was online getting information for the genealogy work I do, when I chanced upon a site for the Crematorium that listed her as deceased. The online obiituary listed only a name she had assumed, her date of birth and death. There was nothing personal mentioned at all, nothing about her family, her life, etc. It was the saddest thing that I’ve ever seen. She died alone, was only found weeks later, and died without the love and support of her family. It is agonizing to discover this information after 2 years. I can’t imagine the horror and pain of her death.
    So, now my dilemma is how and whether to tell the rest of the my 5 siblings, who have medical challenges and are all in their 60s and 70s? My concern is that it may be overwhelming and they may suffer physical and emotional damage for life. It happened over 2 years ago, with no one knowing about it. Perhaps it is best to let it go without causing more pain and suffering to know that she thought so little of her family that she would not take precautions to have them notified in case of death or incapacity?

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  78. Sally  August 10, 2020 at 8:37 pm Reply

    I lost my sister and my best friend to cancer 20 years ago and I have never recovered from it. 6 months later her husband, my brother-in-law was murdered, some years after that I lost my brother Ron and after that, my brother Jim! In between all of these deaths I lost my Mom. My oldest brother passed away in 1980 and my father in 1982. I know this is to be about siblings but I am 67, my entire family is gone and I feel so alone with all the memories and no one seems to want to hear them. I miss them all so much and I grieve every day.

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    • Rainy  August 11, 2020 at 7:36 pm Reply

      (Email removed) I’m only 18 so I’m not sure if you’d want to talk to me.. I lost my brother 6 months ago. He was 21. There was no cause , I found him in his room and thought he was sleeping.. absolutely no cause.. I miss him terribly it feels like I woke up into hell. I could use somebody to share new prices with too.

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      • Dawn Mahoney  October 3, 2020 at 7:40 am

        My son (17) lost his little brother (11) in a bicycle accident in April. He is having a really hard time. I have him in counseling but he does not think it is helping. I am at a loss of what to do.

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    • Kelly  September 15, 2020 at 9:04 pm Reply

      I just lost my big sister, my only sibling. I’m 50 and she was 58 and all I had left. Just wanted you to know if you want to share something about story, I’d be happy to listen.

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  79. kevin roman  July 31, 2020 at 1:34 am Reply

    im 19 years old i lost my brother july 15 2015 5 years ago of a crystal meth overdose it scarred me for life as i remember the day i found out the news my mom started crying out loud after receiving a phone call while i was playing computer games and i asked whats wrong and she said my brother is dead i couldn’t believe it i was completely shocked and numb and it was confirmed when my brother’s brother picked us up to drive him and i saw his body and was in shock until the coroner took him in. As i was in his room i saw a note that said I’m sorry in his handwriting so i know he never meant to harm anybody when he must have realized he was dying ill never forget my brother I’ve been dealing with grief for the last 5 years now trying to make a life for myself and make my brother proud. I try my best to stay away from drugs because my family has a history of drug problems and i did have a period in my life of doing cocaine from 17-18 but now that im older i just want to let go of this grief and pain and become a successful person through persevering in the stock market and trying to form a band andcollege and whatnot.

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    • Rainy p  August 11, 2020 at 7:40 pm Reply

      I’m 18. My brother was 21. I found him in his room and thought he was passed out on Xanax few hours later he is still the same.. they say there was nothing in his system. They say there’s no cause. I felt your grief reading your comment If you ever want to talk my email is parkerrainy@gmail.com. I’ve been pretty horrified the last 7 months.. scared of my life.

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      • Cherry  September 2, 2020 at 1:25 am

        HI Rainy, my brother was the same. They couldn’t find a cause and we think he accidentally overdosed on xanax

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    • Danielle mcmichen  September 30, 2020 at 4:50 am Reply

      November 2nd will be a year that I lost my older brother, I still find it hard to believe it’s real. Much like alot of stories I thought my brother was passed out, but I never could get him up I called my mom to let her know and said I’ll call 911. Well when the firemen and paramedics got there, they tried cpr and by then my mom was at my house, my stepdad walked down stairs to tell us he was gone…I’ll never forget my mother’s scream, no her baby boy. He was sent to gbi for autopsy and it took 3 months before we knew what happened, but he accidentally died from od where someone gave him stuff laced with fentynol. He was only 37, and myself 35 at the time so we’ve always been extremely close, and I do seem to have more emotional moments getting closer to the year anniversary of his passing. I’m sorry of your loss and your not alone, I have several step brothers and sisters but he was my only one real brother and life will never be the same.

  80. Darla  July 16, 2020 at 1:52 am Reply

    I am 16 years old and my little brother Adrian who was 14 just passed away yesterday. I mostly feel like I blame myself and like I should have done something to let him know that he was not alone but nothing I ever said or did helped and I wished I would have tried harder. I wish I could have been there with him his final moments to let him know he is not alone or to hold his hand so he wouldn’t be hurting or be afraid anymore. I love my brother dearly and I will never forget him

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  81. Annie  July 1, 2020 at 9:47 am Reply

    Im from South Korea, and I lost my one and only older brother on 26th December 2019. He was 33 years old, and his name is Myunghyeon An. I was working in Uganda at that time. I still remember that day, my dad called me said you have lost your brother. He was found on the river ar 1pm with the freezing cold weather in my hometown.
    I flew back to Korea with the earliest flight after a call, and finally arrived at the funeral. I just couldnt believe anything, he said will see you after 7 months little one when we said good ye when i left korea. I still remember him as the nicest, coolest person. We miss him very much. He is just gone like this without saying one word, without anything left for his reason to leave. I still think about him a lot. I will remember him forever, until i die. The one and only one.

    Miss you so much my brother 명현.

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  82. Pamela Zavala  June 30, 2020 at 3:03 am Reply

    First I lost my older brother about 6 years ago. He was almost to his 34th birthday. He aspirated in his lungs from a od on pills. That was October 2014. After that I moved with my mom to take care c if her so she wasn’t alone. Then February 2017 my younger brother was found with a gun shot to b his head. They ruled a suicide, but I know my siblings and he would have never done that. He just turned 33 in October. He left behind a twin brother who has a major drinking problem. We all thought he would go next. Last week my sister died at age 45 have a C-section. She bleed out and her heart stopped. In this day and age it doesn’t make sense. It’s rare to die from complications of child birth. She was there eldest. Needless to say, my mom is falling apart losing 3 kids. I’m trying to hold it together and keep her afloat through it all. All I can think is none of this makes sense and how long before my last sibling is taken from this earth. I thought one was hard, two was unbelievable, now this. I don’t get it. This isn’t how life was suppose to be.

    Anyways thanks for listening.

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    • Louise  August 4, 2020 at 4:15 pm Reply

      I know exactly what your going through iam going through it now

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  83. April  June 19, 2020 at 12:29 am Reply

    I lost my brother Jason March 24 2020 they found him floating In his favorite pond the 28 of March 2020. I am lost without him me and him was two peas in a pod we screwed up together we straightened up together we always made sure we heard from each other no madder what . we lived with each other every time we was down we made sure we was ok fought over frozen pizza and cussed every now and agian. Always made sure mama and daddy was ok and not sad or tried too . Always went to the porch when anyone came over he played the guitar I sang . loved to grill loved the music loved our whole famliy! Every single one ! We where born and raised in Georgia I’m 37 years old youngest of two brothers don 45 Jason 40 and me 37 the only girl. I adopted out two of my oldest girls because I couldn’t do it I had my first at 17 I just couldn’t do it alone or so I thought . drugs was a big part of my whole entire family’s life except for my oldest sibling he really showed us all how we are soppost to live he became a preacher a couple years ago made us all so proud and gave us something to fight for . we all look up to him and was always scared to tell him the full truth . why ? Because we knew he couldn’t understand that his heart was and is to pure for the devilish ways we had lived we wanted to protect him . we loved him to much to keep breaking his heart. He is a true pure good hearted man that we all respect. I just can’t seem to face reality that my baby brother is gone . I can’t believe he swallowed meth and died drowned in water! I believe the law did it and was out to stop him and others involved with him I believe there is more to it than what the report says come on people you can fly helicopters over a city but can’t go looking for a man you heard scream in a pond splashing standing beside his abandoned truck you just ran down with a door open and keys in the ignition!!! Im not done with this by a long shot. !!! There is to much not adding up like my brother wouldnt swallow dope and he also can swim and knows that pond like his way to the bathroom at night! He can swim like a sailor and knew how to float and hold on to a stump many out there! Why was there only one bare foot print in the field my brothers size foot with boot prints following it! Also later after the so called investigation lol or what they called an investigation with no yellow tape out around scene the original people that found him call me to tell me they found one shoe these shoes where nikie floaters they don’t sink there was no mud on them there was dry clay in the print of the bottom of shoe the other shoe not found after the so called search even though he was completely bare footed. I went to ask for report of the incident they claimed they had none the state patrol did . that was a lie . I finally got one from the sheriff’s office two day after by email humm think they doctored it up????!! Don’t know but know something stinks and they hated him also there is more to this than I can even think of but I will go to any links to know what’s really going on am I over reacting ?

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    • Charley  October 22, 2020 at 3:12 pm Reply

      April,
      Hey there ?

      I am a GA girl myself and I also lost my older brother in March. It wasn’t those exact circumstances but it was like I died that day too. Would you feel comfortable emailing me? If not we can reply on here. I can relate to your pain on so many levels.. especially since I know how the Georgia cops can be.
      It’s [EMAIL REMOVED]
      Any day or night. Hang in there.

      Charley

  84. Stephanie  June 10, 2020 at 11:55 pm Reply

    December 28, 2019, my beautiful sister died unexpectedly at the hospital. The day before she was rushed to the hospital struggling to breathe. They got her to the hospital gave her medication to which she responded to successfully. We all sat around her hospital room, my other sister, my children and my grandchildren. We laughed and joked….she was doing great! The doctor came in said everything was looking fine and said if all goes well she should be able to go home the next morning…maybe a day after that. Normally, we would never leave our love one overnight alone at the hospital but it was my husband’s birthday and though he had said he didn’t want to go out to eat unless she could go, we all went anyways because according to the doctor and to her, she was doing just fine. I awoke at 6something on the morning of Dec 28 to my daughter banging on the door “get dressed lets go something’s going on with Felicia” I immediately fell to my knees, then ran threw on clothes and slid down to the hospital (it was snowing). It was too late she was gone by the time I had made it. The doctor had no answers. He said he had no medical reason why she passed. He said she had an awesome night, woke up to go to the bathroom complained of a pain and died. I am so devastated, hurt , in pain. Trying to live life without her is unbearable as our family did everything together and I mean everything. Now the dynamics have changed…there is a puzzle piece missing, a piece of my life gone. I was told that she had told a cousin the night before that she didn’t want to die. She made that clear but yet no one of higher power heard or listened to her instead they took her from us. Now we are lost hiding behind out daily routines of life and suffering in silence. I have prayed for her to come to me in my dreams so that I know she is okay, but all the images I receive are of her crying, angry, upset, I have not received an image, dream, vision of her being settled or accepting. I need answers to why this is…….I’ve considered a medium because I need some answers. Thank you for allowing me to post my deep pain.

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  85. Amy  May 28, 2020 at 7:08 pm Reply

    Yesterday. My brother died. He was only 25. He died in his sleep. It was a normal morning or so we thought. My mom was screaming all of the sudden to get my dad because she found him in his bed with his lips blue and not breathing. My dad performed cpr on him but it didn’t work. They were both screaming and I was hiding in tiny spots screaming bloody murder thinking this isn’t real this isn’t real. My sister and other brother were here with us too. I prayed to God so hard asking for a miracle. But he passed away in his sleep. I feel so empty. I keep crying. We all keep crying. I have anxiety, I have depression, I don’t know how I’m going to live a normal life after I lost my brother, my best friend.

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    • Rainy p  August 11, 2020 at 7:47 pm Reply

      I lost my big brother the same way.. he was 21. My email is parkerrainy@gmail.com if you ever want to talk.

  86. Idk  May 27, 2020 at 3:42 pm Reply

    It’s heavy. It’s heavy a lot and to tell you the truth, I have no idea whatsoever as to when it will become light again.
    He isn’t here anymore. My 22 year old best friend and brother Miles. He is gone. He died on September 21,2020 because the cocaine he took had fetanol in it. I ache for him. The pain in my parents eyes is almost unbearable but the roles must be reversed for a while.
    I’m lost and I don’t know when I’ll be found again.

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  87. Ghazala Khan  May 24, 2020 at 6:47 pm Reply

    Hi everyone

    Are you all from USA as I noticed the time difference in the posts and most places mentioned as of USA. I am from UK

    GHAZALA

  88. Ghazala Khan  May 22, 2020 at 3:49 pm Reply

    My younger sister was 50 when she passed away from cancer just three months ago

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    • Jamie Herrera  July 15, 2020 at 3:13 am Reply

      Hello all my beautiful bereaved siblings,
      I’m so glad there is a post like this were many of you can share your sibling’s story with others who will understand. I lost my older brother a little of over 10 and a half years ago and it’s been a journey of mental illness and self growth since then. I have just made recent discoveries of my problem with perfectionism due to habits formed after my only sibling passed. I felt as though the only way to get my parents attention and to get them to hurt less is to be the “perfect” child that never did any wrong. But I was also dealing with severe depression and anxiety. I’m now finally able to identify these habits and I hope to work on them and teach myself that it was never my responsibility to cover for my brother. I wanted to pop on here and share a GREAT resource that has helped me in my grief since I was 6 months in. I believe it is also listed on the resources page that’s linked as well. My parents and I attended our first The Compassionate Friends National Conference before it had been a year since Jared passed. I have gone almost every year since then and have made so many friends who understand my grief through the sibling program. I’ve also run a workshop with a fellow TCF Sib where we talk about how we healed through our connections to each other. There are people who are bereaved like you who would LOVE to listen to your stories of your sibling. This year the conference was moved to an online format. But the sibling program does have a Facebook group (The Sounds of the Siblings, TCF Sibs) that you can post and get support through as well. You’ll have to request to join as they try and make sure that only bereaved siblings are in the group. Sending you all love. I hope this helps!

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      • Sally  August 10, 2020 at 8:42 pm

        Thank you Jamie, I will search for that Facebook page.

      • Veronica  December 2, 2020 at 11:07 am

        I lost my brother three weeks ago. He was taking antidepressants during 2 yrs I don’t really know how it started, it was on and of,, I always treated him as a normal person. during october he was feeling worse and his doctor prescribed him two other antidepressants.
        One day me and my mum left to do documents, when we came back home we found out he hanged himself.
        I wish he was here . It’s unexplainable. Feeling guilt anger and abandonment

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      • IsabelleS  December 3, 2020 at 12:20 pm

        Veronica, I’m truly so sorry for your loss. I cannot begin to imagine what you are feeling. It seems as though the way your brother died is making your grief all the more difficult. I recommend you check out these articles: https://whatsyourgrief.com/grieving-suicide-death/ and https://whatsyourgrief.com/guilt-and-grief-2/ Please know that everything you are feeling–your guilt, anger, and abandonment–is completely normal and valid. Be gentle with yourself.

  89. joel  May 22, 2020 at 1:54 pm Reply

    I lost my brother, age 37, in February. He was addicted to meth for 20 years. He had a heart attack in his bed, and he was cold when his 12-year old son found him. He struggled with his addiction but he was a good father and loved his sons as much as any parent I’ve ever known. He was the funniest, most charismatic person, and he very rarely let his numerous problems show. He masked his pain with drugs, and was ashamed of his addiction to the point that it kept him from getting help. if you know anyone who is addicted to something like this, tell them that they should not be ashamed. they deserve help. people love them and would die for them.

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  90. Cassie Wengler  May 21, 2020 at 5:40 pm Reply

    I lost my brother about 2 years ago in a motorcycle accident. I was helping a friend move in to her brothers house. Her brother happened to be my boyfriend at the time. I remember the call I got from my dad about my brother. I was in such shock I couldn’t speak. I arrived to the hospital with my aunt and grandma about an hour later. Before my parents had called me, they were at the hospital and were getting no answers. All the nurses were saying they didn’t have anybody in that name. Finally they found the floor he was sent to and they were able to call family with all the information. I remember walking through the doors of the waiting room with most of my family who were able to make it there before me just crying non stop. I had never felt the way I did that evening. My brother died a day after turning 23 and he died on the scene. Doctors and nurses thought they could revive them but he was already gone. We spent ours waiting for them to tell us something. Finally they called me, my parents, and my brothers girlfriend to another room. My dad stayed behind because he just couldn’t handle it by that point. I cried more than anybody there. I was drenched in my own tears practically. My mom and his girlfriend held it together enough to help me through it.
    After his funeral day (he was cremated so we just had a service for him) I had gone home and tried sleeping in his room to feel close to him. Worst decision I ever made. I was not ready for that. My best friend since pre-k ended up coming over at 1am to spend the night and share memories we had of him. It had helped me a lot and she still helps me in that way.

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  91. Barbra J  May 7, 2020 at 9:42 am Reply

    I recently lost my sister 2 3 20 just seven months after I lost my mother at 68 years old my mother was my everything losing her I experienced grief however losing my sister at just 48 years old unexpectedly on a Sunday evening I got to talk to her earlier that day and that I love her good grief at times unbearable. I know now I could have health care in many ways it’s because I am a Pisces and I know things it it’s common knowledge to me and my entire life is not everyone understood and things like I did including my sister.
    And it’s true I never knew the struggle and she faced I’m a little girl she loved her girls so much they were her reason to live all these things I. Read of others grief I have experienced. My sister, my rock, best friend,mentore when I was in need she was there no matter.
    Never asking for help until my mom pass my sister and my mom were closest in any of the other kids a near each other inside and out never had a day without each other. And my sistr grieve my mother like I grieve my sister.
    Sadly I didn’t understand what she was going through until she was gone the fact that it was so quick and unexpected massive heart attack. Anyway I’m grateful it was quick but that night she connected with me I can smell her I feel her and I knew the moment of her transition.
    A moment my life my brothers lights my niece’s life as all the hearts ever touched by her heart and kindness.
    My sister Patty we never say no or to anyone down if they were in need.
    That was her gift to look past any and all outside shell and see the truth and the person within.
    Sis always saw the heart of those she encountered a gift as well .
    Recently before she passed she’s got to me about mom telling her and she saw with her heart we heart It mom said it was her gift she cherished that so so much.
    As with my mother and my sister what is a giver gifter always wanting to help give hope be helpful she was my angel. A grief so fresh deep with my heart unlike any emotion I have ever experienced or knew I could experience.
    Thank you for this opportunity to share this bit. Be blessed

  92. Liz  May 6, 2020 at 12:28 pm Reply

    My twin sister died 7 months ago after losing her fight against a rare cancer she had. She only lasted 4 months in cancer treatment and later had a multitude of strokes that led her to be paralyzed on one side. She was too weak for surgery and she never wanted to rely on a machine to live so we took her home with hospice, she died a week later. We were only 16, she wanted to work for NASA, go to a good college, and settle down. She had big dreams. From most of my time grieving I felt empty, I sometimes still do but after therapy I felt better. It doesn’t hurt to talk about her but I still miss her. What is the most heartbreaking, is that I hear my older brother cry alone at night, my other brother struggle to get psychiatrist drugs for the depression he developed, and my parents seeking all assistance from God. A God I no longer believe in after she was gone, they tear up often at church. My older sister is doing good she was the strongest but that means she suffered the most.

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    • Amanda Palmer  July 14, 2020 at 10:46 pm Reply

      I feel for you so much. My little sister died July 10th 2020. Everyone called us twins. She was 31 and I am 33. We were as close as you could be. We did everything together. She was who everyone went to for problems or help. She was insanely funny and incredibly beautiful. We had so many inside jokes and dances. You have those conversations only you and a sister could have. She also had a rare cancer. She found out Feb 21st she had stage 4 cancer. Mayo clinic didnt know what it was and then they sent it to a place in Washington and no one knew what kind it was. Closest thing they could think was an angiosarcoma in heart, brain, lungs, abdomen. The chemo was too aggressive she had strokes, radiation worked for days and they grew right back. She decided to be on hospice and after 2 weeks she passed away. She left her son Noah (9yrs old). His dad isnt in the picture. I feel for him so much because he will never remember how amazing she was. It isnt fair losing a sister. Grandparents and even parents you expect but never a sister. Im sick of people telling me its gods plan because it makes no fucking sense.

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    • Mehdi  August 25, 2021 at 4:04 pm Reply

      I had a brother 8 years younger than me. I loved him much. I left my family to live alone in another city 5 years ago. He lived with them. A talented smart social boy, he was even my envy at times. After I left the family to work and live alone in another city, he started to miss me, but he only expressed it from time to time, as we talked a bit formal and manly to each other. He sometimes expressed lack of incentive for living in his messages and I supported him verbally to be strong and patient, as “everything will be alright”. I never really took his suicide memes seriously.
      I checked on the family once in about six months. Last time I did it in mid-March.
      My brother was not as happy and vivid as he used to be. I attributed that to a recent instance of a series of parental arguments that were normal in our house and didn’t talk to him about it. Even when he told me that”You have left us to die here” I took it for granted and said “there are so many sorrows here, that can kill me in a week if I stay”. I was very stupid and negative.

      He even gifted me some of his possessions, and told me “my bed will be yours”. I was working on a project and considered all such words as childish attention seeking behaviors. I was so stupid that I thought I know his problem and that’s small, not bothering to even ask and listen.

      After two weeks stay, I said goodbye to him and the family. That night he told me his hard disk password, which made me angry. “Don’t be so weak man. There have been many people in much harder conditions but they succeeded” again, I didn’t ask his issues. He gave me a ride to the bus that night. We made a cold farewell and 1.5 days later on April 5 around noon I was called my dad telling my brother has jung himself. I was nearly choked when I heard it. I couldn’t believe it. I could not even imagine death for him that’s why I didn’t talk to him about it, but now he had died. I could have easily prevented that by talking.
      I have been crying for the last five months and thinking about suicide several times. I can’t live in a world without my little brother. He was only 24. I see myself as the person who caused his depression in the first place, and the person who neglected the most saving him.
      I see no justice other than taking my own life. He was tall, healthy, strong, and deserved to live more than I do. He lived to have a family one day.

      This might seem contradicting in parts, but I summarized it. I have been very stupid and negligent about my family.
      I have been blaming my father for talking bitter to him, or his military draft’s PTSD for the incident, but I am finding by reading his messages of these 5 years that he really missed me and was alone. Maybe he punished me by taking himself as he knew I loved him.

      I haven’t had a good night sleep since his death, always remembering his body on the forensics table and how he was wrapped in white and put in a dark tight grave.
      Sometimes I dream of him, sometimes smiling sometimes upset with me.

      Believe me, I could not even imagine good death because I loved him so much. He was my best friend and brother. We used to joke and laugh a lot, except the last time when I was more focused on a work project.
      I have a headache sometimes, and indulge in addictive behaviors to soothe the pain sometimes.
      Thanks for reading and sorry for being too verbose. I hope your stay healthy with your loved ones.

  93. Kathy  May 6, 2020 at 11:47 am Reply

    April 13th will be the five year anniversary of my big brother’s death. I still mourn him. I miss him. He killed himself. I don’t know why. I’m sorry I couldn’t save him.

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    • Madalin  October 8, 2020 at 11:25 pm Reply

      Hi Kathy,
      My brother recently just took his life less than a month ago. He was my little baby brother, and I just don’t know why I couldn’t save him. I would’ve pulled him out of any hole or done anything for him. Does it get easier? I know it’ll never be easy, and I’ll always miss him. I just need to know if the hurt will ever get lighter.

      • Alison  February 3, 2021 at 1:55 am

        My baby brother took his life just 6 weeks ago and he didn’t told me about his depression. I’m still a bit upset his didn’t let me know. His death still feels unreal. There are good days and bad days, today is a bad day, I miss him a lot.

      • Isabelle Siegel  February 4, 2021 at 10:50 am

        Alison, I’m so very sorry for your loss. Please know that it’s completely normal to have good and bad days. Give yourself the space to feel whatever it is you need to feel. All the best to you.

  94. Hayley  April 30, 2020 at 12:47 pm Reply

    I’m 40 this year, my brother was 36 when he was killed on New Years Eve 2019, he was knocked off his motorbike. This has completely crushed me, it sent me to a place of grief where I felt i was drowning in my thoughts and feelings. We had not been in touch for the last 5 years. But that wasn’t to say we didn’t love each other, we just chose different lives. This last year my brother was choosing to have a better life and I was ready to acknowledge his achievements and rebuild our relationship but sadly that chance was taken away. The shock of loosing my brother turned me inside out and my body seemed to want to shut down. Luckily I have had amazing support from family and friends who have helped me recover and get through this. I also lost my dear Grandma 18 months ago to cancer which shattered me and my family..She was the most amazing lady. I understand there are diseases and that accidents happen , which I believe God did not create.. we do. God doesn’t want us to suffer and so our bodies are able to deal with the 5 stages of grief at our own pace. Some days are harder than others and the harder days eventually start to reduce. Writing this today is a step forward for me. Life must go on and I will for my brother and Grandparents get back to enjoying the beauty and gift of life.

  95. C  April 12, 2020 at 11:20 pm Reply

    My sister died on Friday, April 10th 2020 after a long fight with breast cancer. She was 45. It hurts so bad inside, like my grief is trying to crawl out of me through my tears. She was my half-sister, and we only met once in the 90s when I was a little girl. Because our family has a lot of bad blood, we only were able to really communicate in the last few years, after she was diagnosed and I had cut ties with toxic family that had kept us apart. Turns out we had a lot in common, and I felt like I was finally getting to have her in my life. It was a bittersweet time. I was reluctant to let myself get too close, because my experience with our family relationships has not been very positive. But it has really hit me these past couple of days how much she meant to me, and how much I looked up to her. Our pain was shared, our love for each other and our other siblings was mutual. Even though the was a sixteen year gap between us, and we lived multiple states from each other, it felt like she had always been there waiting for the right time to tell me how much she cared.
    Now that she is gone, I feel gutted, but also guilty for being heartbroken when her mom, aunt, our brother and her daughter were with her through this whole process and I was not. They truly knew her, and have the right to mourn deeply. But I am not just grieving her death. I’m grieving the missed opportunities, the years of misunderstanding, the time that slipped through our fingers. I’m deeply aware that I’ll never get to make new memories with her, will never spend time with her in person, won’t get to say I love you and I’m sorry ever again. I’m so bitter, but trying to be grateful for the time we had.
    Anna, I love you so much. Don’t worry about me, I’m strong like you, it’s in our blood. In my heart you’ll always be the most beautiful woman my child eyes had ever seen. I’ll never stop admiring your courage. I can only try to honor your love by staying true to myself, no matter what. I still feel your love. Thank you for being my sister.

  96. Britney  April 10, 2020 at 12:12 pm Reply

    It is coming up on the 4 year anniversary since my big brother passed away. He was 34 years old and was taken by cancer. So many things in this article and comments have made me feel less alone. I do feel as though my grief and loss are less important than his two kids, aged 20 and 7 now, and his wife, and our parents, and even his other half sister because I felt like he and her were so much closer. However my grief and loss is real, too, and it hits me hard sometimes from some of the most random things. (Gosh just writing this has me in tears) I am left with feeling guilt that I didn’t call him more or go see him more. I feel guilty and selfish that I am upset that he wont be there to help me when our parents pass away. I know that I won’t be completely alone in that I will have my husband and amazing sister in law, but it’s not the same. I looked up to him for my entire life and thought he was the coolest person ever and now it kills me that he never got to meet my two kids, his niece and nephew. And I know it’s weird, but I then feel so guilty complaining about that when his sister wont get to have him at her upcoming wedding, or his daughter wont get to have him walk her down the aisle or see her graduation. His son was so little when he passed and is missing him through all of his years growing up. His parents shouldn’t have had to lose him. It’s just not right to have to go through the loss of your child. And his wife to have to lose her partner who would have shared their whole life together. It kills me inside how unfair it all is. But one thing that has helped me is that he isn’t hurting anymore. The last month or so he was in so much pain, all I wanted to do was take it for him. And I feel that the hurt I feel now is God’s or the universe’s way of granting my wish. I will gladly feel the pain of his loss for the rest of my life so that he can be without that pain. I wish I had told him how much he meant to me and how I admired and looked up to him. He was such an incredible and talented and kind and fun person to be around. I am so blessed and thankful that I got to have the time with him I did have. I am beyond thankful and blessed that he made me an aunt to those two phenomenal kids who I love with all my heart. They both keep him alive in being a part of him, and that’s a beautiful thing. He also gave me a big sister, who is just so amazing and strong and kind. She even through her own grief has helped me with everything in so many ways. She and her Mom made pillows out of some of his shirts and hoodies. She and my Niece got my two babies these beautiful wall hangings about how their uncle is their guardian angel. I am also so very thankful for the support from my husband who has been my rock through all of it. And he was grieving the loss of a brother as well. Like the article says, any loss strikes multitudes of people and we have to come together to support and console each other. Each and every one of us experience something different in loss, and we need to understand that. Hopefully someone will read my story and feel a little less alone, too. Hugs to everyone out there who needs one.

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  97. Molly McGuire  April 10, 2020 at 11:04 am Reply

    Thank you for this article. I have felt alone in my grief a lot. I lost my sister 5 years ago. She was 51. We were very close. My parents were in their 80’s and died a couple of years after my sister. The part in the article about the need to build new support systems resonated with me.

  98. Susan  April 9, 2020 at 1:21 am Reply

    I lost my older brother a week ago, he went to sleep and never woke up, he was 44, I’m heartbroken and miss him so much. He was my best friend as well as brother. I wish there was something I could have done to help him get his health sorted out this might never have happened. I feel selfish for wanting him to still be here with me, it’s been hard for me to accept that He is gone, I can feel his presence, I’m sorry, I love you, please forgive me, thank you

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    • Debby  August 10, 2020 at 1:21 am Reply

      I lost my brother in less than three weeks a go, he was 44yrs old! the pain is uberable!I am broken into pieces not sure what to do!

  99. Mary Mohammed  April 5, 2020 at 11:28 pm Reply

    I lost my brother to leukemia when he was only 16 years old, 2 years ago, and still can’t sometimes fathom that he is really gone, and will not see، talk, argue, fight or just being with him, it still breaks my heart when I think about him، see pictures or just anything that reminds me of him . I love him so much and wish that I can talk to him one more time, and ask him to forgive me if I have wronged him or saddened him or just anything, I love You so Much little brother and wish to only have a moment or two with, to tell you how much I adore, love and cherish you. Love You now and beyond xxx, I just watched your funeral and broke down by myself in the dark. I love you so much

  100. Elyse  April 5, 2020 at 3:37 pm Reply

    I lost my little brother on March 28, 2020. He passed away in our family home. Surrounded by loved ones. He was only 29 years old. My husband and I did CPR for 10 minutes waiting for the ambulance to arrive. EMT’s arrived and continued to try and get a heart rhythm back . I’m devastated at this loss. It’s not fair. I can’t fathom living life without him. His laugh, his voice… hearing his footsteps. I feel so guilty. I couldn’t do my only job as a big sister, I couldn’t protect him- I couldn’t make this better for him. I miss him so much.

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  101. Heartbroken  March 15, 2020 at 1:46 am Reply

    I lost my brother, yesterday, 26 hours ago. I’m so heartbroken and lost. He was only 42 years old and didn’t have one enemy. He never turned his back on me even when others did. There wasn’t anything I couldn’t tell him.

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    • Kristy  March 16, 2020 at 11:26 am Reply

      Saddest news. I’m so deeply sorry. Your brother is a part of you forever. You will meet him again xox

    • Lonely One  March 27, 2020 at 3:38 pm Reply

      I know how you feel. My brother passed away March 24, 2020. I’m still crying. We were so close, talking on the phone or texting every day just to check in. How can he not exist any more?

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    • Debby  August 10, 2020 at 1:23 am Reply

      Wow! your brother sounds like mine very joyful person! no enemies ! anhh

  102. CheriJo  March 2, 2020 at 12:02 am Reply

    I didn’t know what I would find when I googled, “my brother died 40 years ago.” I found a place to put the incredible sadness I’ve felt all day. Some anniversaries are harder than others. This one has really thrown me. Today is Sunday, and it was a Sunday morning when my mom called and told me to come to the house. I was 21 at the time. When I arrived, I found out my brother had died in a car accident. He had been drinking and he was 20 years old. I really appreciated the article and the validation around feeling like my feelings weren’t allowed to be felt. My parents literally fell apart. It felt as though I not only lost my brother, but also my parents, as they closed ranks in order to survive. I was left to take care of the details that must be tended to when someone dies. My relationship with my parents, fractured and has been permanently changed. Every time we are together, the realization that my brother isn’t with us is palpable, although my parents seldom talk about him. As I get older, I miss him more. I feel an incredible longing for him. I’m so envious of people with siblings. Thank you.

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    • Charley  September 7, 2020 at 11:13 pm Reply

      Hello,

      Just wow. Everything you said was like I wrote it. I was 16 when my 26 year old brother died in an alcohol related car crash. I wasn’t sure my dad would survive it. He was hospitalized for suicide/depression etc. on more than one occasion. It’s been 14 years and lately I’ve been feeling it like it was yesterday. He was everything to me and I still feel him every single day. Lately I’ve also been feeling much more resentment about others with siblings because of what they take for granted. I would kill to have some of those problems with my brother that they claim are so awful. Sending you love. ❤️

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  103. Somewhere far  February 26, 2020 at 8:25 am Reply

    It’s very hard for me to be open right now and share my story. Initially I had googled how to get over the anger of someone killing your sibling. And I stumbled across this website. But I felt maybe if I do I will feel better. I doubt it but it is worth a try. At the moment I feel lost and confused. I just feel sad and hurt. I feel nobody around me understand how I feel. I find it very hard to express myself because everyone is in a hurry. Nobody really makes to time to just hold a deep conversation so I never have a chance to really go deep. But I wish I could. I lost one of my brothers at the age of 16. I am now 24. This was just a year before I lost my father. So this was devastating. I’ll never forget being alone at my aunts. Scrolling on Facebook and finding out his death on Facebook. It kills me to even think about it but I have to. My brother was shot in the head along with his best friend. He was set up by his first cousin. He paid a person they both were close to at the Time to kill them both. Nobody has yet been arrested and I now understand no justice will be served. But it usually isn’t. I have a lot of anger in me that I hide. More so pain. I am hurt. Mainly because these were people we trusted. Slept in our home. They were all so close.
    And you set him up? I am heart broken. And till this day fearful that I may run into them. I have not yet recovered from that lost. Fast forward to a few years later at the age of 21 I lost my other brother to a accidental overdose. Fentanyl and alcohol. I had just saw him that morning and told him I’d see him when I get home from work. I never saw him when I got home from work. The hospital called my mom and asked her if she could come in the hospital and identify a phone. We knew what that meant. I’ll never forget actually driving to the hospital. I was on the phone With someone that worked there maybe a doctor I’m not sure. And I just remember asking over and over again. Please tell me if he’s alive. They said to just come in they wouldn’t tell me so I kept asking then they finally said he was dead. Just let Iike that “He’s dead” my body was in complete shock. I have no control over it. I couldn’t stop shaking. Heartbroken. I had to be strong for my mom in that hospital. On top of his gf being there faking as if she was pregnant crying and causing a scene and we believed it. We were vulnerable. and she knew that. Again heartbroken. On top of finding out he was with friends and they just dropped him off at the hospital and left him. Or that they could have called 911 and he could of been alive today. I have not yet grieved over any of those deaths. My dad nor my brothers. Now I am 24 and I just lost my mother to cancer 8 months ago. It is only me left. And right now in this moment. I just want to run away. I want to run away from this pain and life. It has been so so hard. And I just want one person to look at me and understand strong people get tired too. I am so tired. I appear strong to family and friends. The whole world. But only if they knew what lays beneath the surface. Only if they took the tome out and understood even though I’m acting distant I don’t need any space. Even though I smile and joke and laugh I am dying inside. Literally. I feel my heart dying. I am trying each day to do my best and make something out of myself. But I am losing hope. It may just be a weak moment because I know I can not give up. I want so much for myself. But I’m angry. I’m so so so angry. Anyone who reads this I know you don’t know me but I ask that you please pray for me. Because I desperately need it. I’m not sure what the universe has planned for me. I just will keep taking each day a step at a time. I can write a book about my life but I just wonder who would care enough to read? Or will I even be alive to finish the story. I’m not sure

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    • Chantelle’s sister  March 27, 2020 at 12:34 am Reply

      I prayed for you tonight. Exactly one month later. I hope you are okay, whoever you are & wherever you are. I’m 25 years old and I lost my 30 year old sister 3 weeks ago. I’m so angry. I have dealt with loss before. Distant relatives and many friends. I thought I knew what grief was. I had no idea. I feel guilty every second that I’m not crying, which is rare. If I laugh or smile at something, I then think “how dare I laugh, my sister is dead”. Like somehow if I’m not falling apart for even one second of the day it means I don’t love her. Like she is going to think she’s not important to me. I avoided any pictures of her obituary for a few days. I was just afraid of the agony I would feel when I’m forced to see its real. She died of congestive heart failure. At 30 years old..3 kids and a husband left behind. She had an infection going on for years that no one knew about. So naturally I blamed every doctor she’s ever seen for her death. Because if I don’t have someone to blame then I blame god. I can’t help but be angry at god. It’s funny I always believed in heaven but now that my sister is gone it seems too good to be true. Because I want that for her so bad. I’m so afraid to get my hopes up that I’ll see her there one day. Reading these comments honestly helped me tonight, and so did writing this. “Somewhere far”, I hope you are okay tonight. & I hope somehow you get to read this.

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    • Tammy Moore  April 7, 2020 at 3:39 am Reply

      There are no words for your pain. The only thing that will get you through this is your faith! First of all you need to remember you want to live, you just don’t know how to live with this pain! I promise you… if you sit down , close your eyes ( Let the tears fall) say to God even if you’ve never prayed. Lord, please heat my prayer. I don’t understand why or how but I am silent at your feet and put my pain in your hands.. please forgive me of my trespasses and carry me! Tell him you are nothing without his strength. Tell him how angry, sad, confused and questing life in general. The only relief you can get is my talking to God! He will carry you and ease the suffering or at least help you to know how to combat trigger feelings! You are very fragile, rightfully so! You need a team mate for those times it just needs to be heard. I can’t d rn day that anyone could understand your pain, this is a lot to endure one person. But, you must live!!! You must go on!! There is more for you I promise. You will never be able to breath deeply again unless you inhale the sweetness of God! 5 years ago started a series of bad events in my life as well! Suicide, betryl, stealing, all kinds of in fathomable events! I couldn’t cope but had a 10&12 year old and knew I couldn’t go anywhere! Felt like can’t live and can’t die, what the hell is this?? I did just this. And every time I start to feel a wave of emotion I confront it and speak to the Lird ( or whoever you have faith in) if aim I. The shower I close me eyes quickly and began to pray. Just talk like your taking to your best friend! It will start to trigger a feeling of being carried and trust. He will not let you down! You can never give up though! Lie is not what happens to us it’s what happens FOR us!!! Only you can help yourself dismantle these feelings and categorize your thoughts and feeling! Write them on a piece of paper!! When you confront your feeling and dismantle you can start to understand and therefore start to live again. You can do this.. I will pray for you and for your strength! All the best….

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  104. Joseph Kerr  February 23, 2020 at 12:32 am Reply

    I lost my sister a year and a half ago. Today, I came across a photo of her on Facebook and it’s really messed me up. My sister had a long struggle with substance abuse, which I never judged as we were both raped/molested by an uncle. However, I left her. I needed to separate myself from the whole family so that I was okay. Looking back it may not have been the best decision but it is the only thing I knew how to do to be happy. You see my uncle who raped my sister and me was still around all of the time (my family told me that I should get over it, or what did I expect them to do since he was their relative too). Well, I stopped talking to her because I didn’t want to be around her addiction and the family situation. Well, about 2 years old I was told by my mother that she was in jail, even though my mother did not visit her there. She was in jail for prostitution. I visited her there and wrote her a letter. She told me to make sure to take care of her kids for her. Well, she was released shortly thereafter (she was in jail for a few months) and she died of a drug overdose. I don’t know what state of mind she was in. I keep thinking about whether she was sad and lonely – and that she did it on purpose. That she was saying goodbye to me when I last saw her. I feel really sad and guilty. I wish I wasn’t so selfish and I could of told her that I loved her. This picture I found of her was during a time that I wasn’t talking to her. I wish I knew what her life was like then – was she happy? was she sad? was she alone? I don’t know but it kills me that she could of been sad and I wasn’t there for her. It’s so unfair that she had to go through so many awful things and I wasn’t there to tell her that I loved her. I don’t know if I will I will be ever able to figure myself. I just can’t help but think about my sister feeling like she was alone in the world and no one cared about her.

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  105. Alanna  February 15, 2020 at 5:16 pm Reply

    This has been such a beautiful thread to read. I am so thankful for all of the stories and compassion. It is sad to be here, but what a beautiful community of people. So much love.

    I lost my little sister one month ago tomorrow. She passed unexpectedly on January 16th, around 10 30 in the morning, at only 21 years old. Grief is a feeling I could have never imagined. The full belly wail of a noise your body produces is frightening.
    I know I will have a lot to work through, and the idea of this sadness weighing my heart down for the rest of my life is overwhelming.

    There is guilt, anger, and regret. I cared for her in a way she felt my mother couldn’t. I was desperately trying to hold her hand and cheer her on while she threw herself full throttle into recovery – any kind of recovery – but she simply wasn’t ready to find in herself reasons to live and be happy. I think of all of the times we went to the hospital, to detox groups, to CAMH, the time I called the police on her. Her pain was so complicated. It was compounded trauma, abandonment, addiction, a never availing anxiety, sleep depravation. She got to the point where I don’t think she could make it through the morning without drinking. The what ifs are overwhelming.

    The hardest part about all of this is that she didn’t mean to go. Her heart simply stopped. I am sure it was due to the stress her body was under from her relentless substance use, but maybe it was also in part because of how much she had been able to eat that week, how much water she had been able to drink, how many hours of sleep she had been lucky to have. All we have gotten from the forensic scientists is “inconclusive”.

    Her anxiety riddled her with fears of dying. She often spoke about how she was afraid to fall asleep, or afraid of slipping in the shower. She often begged me to come keep her company. Of course life is cruel, and in the way of paying rent I wasn’t always available. I was tired. We had been working through this for a long time. I think a part of me thought she was invincible. My job as a front line worker also had me thinking that she was going to be okay – there was so much love and support, so many resources, so many services. She was lucky. We were all so lucky.

    The worst bit is that she was my best friend. Though I suppose this is also the best bit. I loved her so fucking much. We shot the shit together, she made me goofy, her smile was so incredibly infectious and her laugh was so beautiful. I hated how much she was on her phone, but now I am so thankful. I am so thankful to be able to watch clips of her laughing, doing “the floss” furiously, rollerskating with her friends, and even shoving me into the ocean after having tried to pose for a photo that never happened.

    I find myself really terrified of forgetting all of the little things that made her so beautiful. She was so annoying, the sort that made my eye twitch sometimes, but so loving and so kind. Her company was and is like nothing else in the whole world. Two summers ago we went to Peru together, hiked through mountains for almost a week, and finally arrived at the “money shot” spot in the ruins of Machu Picchu. It was overcrowded, loud, and full of all of the worst tourist types. And so we left as soon as we could. I have said to a few people when we speak about her that nothing quite says that you’ve lived more than hiking with blistered and bloody toes to a World Wonder only to leave early out of annoyance.

    I find myself talking to her a lot. I have spent a month hugging her shirt on the couch, ignoring the world. It is going to be weird trying to get back into a routine. Nothing quite feels worth it, nothing makes much sense. I just have to keep reminding myself how much she loved me.

    Again, thank you for all of these stories. It means more than any of you could know.

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  106. Stephanie P  February 1, 2020 at 3:18 am Reply

    I lost my younger brother January 28, 2018 to a tragic and unexpected overdose in his own bedroom. Our older sister and mom found him. I was 7 months pregnant at the time. He was 25 and I had just turned 27. We were only 18 months apart. Our entire childhood, we were inseparable. He was my best friend and the one person I could depend on and trust with anything. We fought ALL the time but it was because we were so close. As we became adults we were still close, always lived under the same roof until I moved out because I had children. He would watch my kids so I could work, before I had daycare. I knew he was struggling about a year before he died with substance abuse. He had stolen from me when I was pregnant a few times and it killed me but I always forgave him. He knew the pin to my debit card, because that’s how close we were and I always trusted him up until he stole. His addiction happened so fast and my mom was in denial. She didn’t think her only son had a problem. He was her youngest and he could do no wrong. I work in substance abuse and mental health. My brother knew this. He just never had the chance to get help and I blame myself for not doing something about it. I was so mean and hard on him about his addiction but to clients I work with who suffer the same as him, I showed more compassion for. How awful is that?! It doesn’t make any sense to me. His death never leaves my head, not even for a minute. His 2 year anniversary just passed a couple days ago but regardless of that, it had never left my head. It’s all I think about. Even when I’m at work, watching tv, doing my regular mommy duties, or even when I get up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom, it’s what I’m thinking about. This is not normal. I’ve gone to therapy but it’s been a while but I start going again in a couple days actually. I know my grief is different than my parents and my 2 other siblings. My mom has been a wreck ever since. Her and I share similar grief and she can’t help me because of how bad her grief is. She knows how bad I’m suffering but she feels helpless. Her and I even went and saw a spirit medium together to get some closure which did help because before that I was constantly worrying about where he was and if he was scared and alone. I knew my brother was afraid to die and it killed me not knowing if he was okay. My dad and brother had a complicated relationship and my dad feels a lot of regret but he seems to deal with my grief pretty well and my step dad acts like everything is fine. I never once saw him cry. He’s been in our lives since we were 9 and 10 years old. He’s been a huge part in raising us. It’s crazy how everyone deals with it differently and I’ve been hanging on by a thread for the last 2 years. I gave birth shortly after he passed and I already had a 5 year old and 1 year old. I was in a very fragile state. It’s almost like I’m obsessed with him being gone. When he died, it’s like he took part of me with him and I’m not the same person anymore. I’m lost and everyday I’m just living and carrying on with my daily routine of working and being a mom but I’m not happy and I know it’s because he’s gone and I feel an emptiness and I feel like I could’ve helped him more and I blame myself..

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  107. Shawn's Sister  January 25, 2020 at 8:27 pm Reply

    12,965 days on Earth. When I live another tomorrow, it will be 1 more than my oldest sister did, and the next day another one more, and so on.

    It’s a milestone of grieving that I wasn’t sure exactly what would mean but I knew I hated it and dreaded it and was so compelled to triangulate it to the day. God I’m glad it’s finally here and over, I feel freed from the shackles of this arbitrary time limit I had imposed upon myself (and her). Up to this point I’ve been tracing my sister’s trajectory and ending at this sort of dead end where there’s no longer a precedent for a day in her life that I could traverse. I used up the last of her 12,965 days.

    It took getting here with no plan to devise a plan. So now I get to take her on my own path. Each day starting with +1 (tomorrow) is my gift to her, showing her what comes next and celebrating new milestones with her. I don’t have to live anymore behind a depressing, expiring clock. Now each day is fresh. I’m her host, and I take the lead with pride.

    I’ll never forget the 5,042 days (13 years, 9 months and 19 days) I lived without Shawn and being her baby sister. That’s the same amount of days she lived without me before I was born, so we’re equal now. And now I’m ready to continue on.

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  108. Rebecca  January 22, 2020 at 7:27 pm Reply

    I lost my big brother 4 days after Christmas 12/29/19. We had so much hope for 2020 being the best year ever, little did I know he would never see it. He was my brother, my father. my best friend rolled into one. I am only here today because he always looked out for me and made sure we stayed together. We were moved from foster home to foster home to an orphanage and then adopted. I was 81/2 and he was10. They tried to separate us, but at age 6 he asked for an attorney and fought to keep us together. He was the closest person to me and I am beyond devastated. We survived a lot of things because we were together and now it’s just me, I can’t even process that. I always new everything would be ok as long as I had him. He came to my senior prom because I had just broken up with my boyfriend and didn’t want to go, he went with a friend of mine and we had a blast. He was in my wedding, god father to my children and I’m god mother to his. We were inseparable and now I have to live the rest of my life with out him. He was 46, I’m completely devastated and in shock. He was the strongest person I knew. Literally he carried a solid oak pool table up a hill by himself. I don’t know how to cope with this.

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  109. Aina feyisayo  January 18, 2020 at 5:33 am Reply

    Today makes it 18 days i lost my brother, Dec 31st 2019. A straight bullet hit him where he was eating at a hotel in my area… I feel lost without him,i feel like i cant carry on without him, we two were d only graduate of my family and now he is gone and i feel like am all alone… Everybody keeps telling me u need to be strong but they dont understand that i dont even understand what strong is,i have to put up a strong look when am with my mum because everybody is so concerned about her but they dont underatand how i feel, they dont know that am dying inside… I hide in my room to cry, to hold his cardigan to my nose to smell his scent, i listen to our voice call that was saved on my phone everyday and i even still message him on WhatsApp to see may be he can still respond… Seeing my brother in a pool of blood is something i cant get out of my head, i feel more pain even when people send their condolences, it is like the wound keeps opening … I still cant believe he is gone , nothing is making sense in my life right now and i dont even know how to hear from this

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  110. Amanda  January 13, 2020 at 12:47 am Reply

    I lost my older brother September 2019.
    To an accidental overdose. Mum and I were the ones that found him.
    He was 26 when he died.
    I’ve never spoken out about it really before but after reading all these stories, I know people are feeling what I’m feeling.
    He was only a year older than me. His birthday is.. I mean, was, tomorrow. He would of been 27.

    He left behind his two beautiful children, my niece and nephew. His daughter is old enough to know (6). His son will never remember him and that breaks my heart because Kyle (my brother) was the most happy go lucky guy you could ever know.

    Tomorrow will be one of the hardest days.
    I just miss my big brother ..

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  111. Anna  January 7, 2020 at 4:40 am Reply

    My only sister who was 10 years older than me passed away on 12/19/19 she had a long cancer battle and spent nearly 60 days in the hospital. They removed a tumor that grew next to her sciatic nerve. She was finally released on 12/13 and things were looking promising. She was rushed by ambulance to the ER after a bad night and she woke up lethargic..sepsis had set in on the surgical wound from the 10/31 surgery. They started treatment and she was stable then suddenly her vitals changed and she passed that night. I spent many of the 60 days with her at the hospital as we never left her alone even 1 night. What we thought was our sacrifice to stay at the hospital was actually a gift. I cherish every minute I spent with her. We said beautiful things to eachother we laughed we extremely enjoyed each-others company. We once laughed thru several hours of chemo infusion..and thought wow how can anyone laugh thru chemo. I wanted to be her strength, to show her in every action that she mattered, she appreciated every action immensely, when in all actuality it was my honor… I don’t think we can ever not have some regrets..mine is I wish I could have stayed more days, it made her SO happy when I was there, the week she was released I brought my 86 year old mom and we stood 4 days sleeping on 1 cot for a total of 2 hours max the whole 4 days, I was exhausted and had to come home to San Diego & bring my mom home to rest too- we came home Friday and she was released Saturday. She was in Los Angeles & We did not see her until that Thursday when we got the call that she went to ER – I regret not staying that whole week – I miss her so so so much- we grew so close in the last 3 years after not speaking for over 5 years…we picked up like we never had stopped. I have to be strong for my 86 year old mom & my niece and 2 nephews but in all actuality Im falling apart- this grief consumes me, We used to text lots if pictures and GIFs and prayers we loved our Catholic faith together and now I don’t have anyone that can ever replace that relationship we shared, I feel so so lonely without her, she was my bestest bestest friend!

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  112. Rachel Foster  January 6, 2020 at 1:54 pm Reply

    This year will be 7 years and in 20 days I will turn the age my sister was when she passed. Everything about this puts me on edge….

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  113. Lea  January 3, 2020 at 9:08 pm Reply

    on June 19th 2009 I lost my twin brother to an overdose. He was Bipolar and been fighting with his girlfriend about their daughter and he was so upset about it I told him to just wait for us we’ll be there in tomorrow afternoon to pick him up he can come over then stay at my other brother’s house. The next day I got up and was cooking breakfast and getting things together wondering if my older brother had picked him up yet because he had asked him to pick him up earlier than the afternoon. I get a phone call from my Sister In law. Hes in the hospital in ICU please come to the hospital thats all she knew they hadnt go there yet well it was bad he was in the hospital in a coma for almost a week hospital declared him brain dead and no chance of every waking up we pulled the plug and we let him we were 23 years old when he died and flash forward 10 years later its a few days after Christmas. Friday the 27th getting things done my nightly routine and cleaning up because my bro and sis in law are coming over in 2 days for our little Christmas party we have together with my 3 kids every year I get a phone call from my children’s bus driver also my brother’s next door neighbor theres an ambulance at your brother’s house she says. I call over there and get noone the phone rings back and its my sis in law frantically telling me Chris (my brother’s name) has gone into Cardiac arrest thats his name and they aren’t getting him back theres no heartbeat by that time I had to give the phone to my husband and he tells me they are rushing him to the nearest hospital we take kids to his mothers and race over to the hospital. Hospital tries everything and they never get a decent heartbeat or anything from him at all they call it. My brother was doing the thing he did every night after eatting dinner play on his phone and felt like he couldn’t breathe minutes later hes unresponsive. I am just so upset so sad so angry so numb I miss him so much and I also feel like with him went the rest of my family. My twin brother and Chris were all I had now they are gone. I don’t know how to feel I am trying to be strong for my kids who miss their uncle so much and for my husband so he doesnt worry. Because to me Family is everything THEY were everything. its now a week from when all this happened and 5 days since his funeral Sunday was the hardest day of my life he was supposed to be over to play with my kids and pick on me and now that will never be nor will it be again. It’s hard to go through something this its a rollercoaster. I am so glad I have found a place where ppl can understand how I’m feeling. I am peace knowing they are together now theres that and I know they want me to be happy but right now I think its just gonna take some time.

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  114. Sad alone  December 20, 2019 at 10:09 pm Reply

    My older brother died. May 2019 not four months later my dad passed away. My brother was so loved by so many. I now have his friends needing my sympathy while i have zero energy for anyone or anything. Sad and grief have not come yet. angry and alone are my new normal. If i have one drink i have 10 or more so i now choose not to. Everything seems pointless

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    • Christine  December 21, 2019 at 8:56 pm Reply

      My baby sis died 12/17/19 by suicide. She was 54 and truly one of the kindest, gentlest, most understanding souls I will ever have the pleasure of knowing. She just moved back home after being gone for over 25 years. But we were mostly always close aside from some typical sibling rivalry. She’s been suffering her whole life from Bipolar Disease but kept it under check until these past few months. She not only had some obvious mental issues but has suffered also from physical pain. She was a brilliant teacher and artist and worked with special needs kids. Even though she was in pain much of her life she gave more of her self than anyone else I know. We tried to help her to help herself but she was just too lost. My heart is broken and honestly i can’t know how I will live without her. Ironically ….she’s been gone much of her adult life and only came back home to be with family for the past 1.5 years but her loss is unbearable. Any advice? I don’t know what to do

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      • Isolina Jackson  December 24, 2019 at 3:21 pm

        Today marks 30 years since the last time I spoke to or saw my brother. He committed suicide Jan 1, a week later, at 25vyears old. Grief is weird. It holds no boundaries or limitations, and it doesnt fit a set of parameters. It hit me out of the blue and I am sobbing. From someone who has lost a sibling, I am so very sorry for your loss. My way of coping is remembering the good, crying when I need to, and keeping his memories alive. There are no answers for us, just the breaking of our hearts. I do a suicide prevention walk in his honor. I tell my about him. And I live. I miss him every day. Life goes on without him, and I do my best to make him proud of me. Keep your chin up, and remember the good. It sounds cliche, but really does help. And don’t blame yourself for something you couldnt have helped. Hugs.

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      • Cheryl  December 30, 2019 at 10:04 pm

        Christine, please go to AFSP.org and check out their resources, including support meetings for Survivors of Suicide Loss—a support group dedicated to those of us who have lost a loved one to suicide. My support group has been a safe place to talk about all things related to my loss to people who truly understand and also to support others in their grief journey. I lost my 51-year-old brother, Marty, to suicide on 8/21/18. He was my only sibling and his attempt to start over in a new place failed miserably, only heightening his sense of loneliness and increasing his depression. While many groups are hit or miss for sibling loss—many siblings are unaware of these resources, with many parents and adult children attending, just finding support for the survivors may well make a difference in helping you get through these early stages of grief. I’ve attended my group for just over a year now, and while I don’t make it every week, I’ve come to care very deeply about these friends.

        I have absorbed all of my brother’s life/death into my own life, and with the relocation of my only living parent, my mother, from across the country to 10 minutes away from my home, I now realize I need to put together a plan on setting boundaries with her for my own mental health.

        If you have access to a therapist, please contact one soon. I regret that I have not yet done that. Please, please, please take care of yourself and know that you matter—that you are much more than an administrator for your brother’s death (that’s how I frequently feel) and a caretaker to others. Suicide loss is so very different than other sibling losses, and you deserve to be heard by others who understand the trauma involved. My brother put my name and contact information on his body before he took his life, so he made certain that I would be the one to be contacted across the country by law enforcement, and that I would be the one forced to tell my 80 year old mom in person.

        My heart goes to you! Please be kind to yourself and try not to overextend yourself to your family. Feel free to say NO when you become overwhelmed. Telling my mom that some things will not get done is not what she wants to hear, but is critical to my mental health.

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    • Cara  January 27, 2020 at 2:41 am Reply

      I feel your pain. My dad passed in August 2019, from a sudden heart attack, and my brother was found dead tonight at his home. Probably overdose/suicide. I am still processing my dad’s death……this is just too soon. I need to be strong for my mom but I feel numb and scared.

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  115. emily  December 6, 2019 at 5:26 am Reply

    My sister lost her battle with cancer September 6, 2019 as I was on my way driving across the country so I could tell her I loved her one last time. I am active duty military and lived 2500 miles from my sister. I was driving home prior to being deployed and when I got there she had passed away less than an hour. 2500 miles, less than 5 hours of sleep I tried so hard to be there when she left this world. My older sister, Amanda, was the only person in the world who I knew would always be there for me. I was home for a week before I had to leave the country for work, and part of me feels like I have put grieving on hold so to say. I don’t even know how to begin to try and heal.

    • Kayla  December 15, 2019 at 9:07 pm Reply

      My big brother passed away from cancer August 7th 2019. and it was horrifying to watch. I couldn’t believe it. I was pissed as fuck. I probably always will be. He was this huge strong powerful generous human being funny as hell kinder than most. And cancer shrunk him into nothingness. tried to steal is happiness which it did I swear it. But he went away with the same sense of humor. Which I thought it would fade. Which all of him did slowly and that is what scared me the most. Was how SLOW he passed away. He had 3 days max to live. Fought for a whole month longer. Actually came home on Hospice when I brought home my newborn son. It was all just sad. Cancer is a disaster. Its cruel. And scary.

  116. Princess Grayson  December 5, 2019 at 1:13 pm Reply

    I lost my brother 2 months ago on September 29,2019 to Homicide. I have not been the same my heart hurts so bad I don’t want to face it! I keep telling myself everyday he’s in a better place but in reality I want him here with me. I need strength, understanding, justice. I pray for you all because I know the feeling you guys are going through

    • Tracy  December 23, 2019 at 1:25 pm Reply

      My brother was murdered on August 8th 2019 in Charleston SC. I don’t know why but your comment stood out to me. Probably because of the similarities in how we lost our brothers. I am going to check out the Facebook page now and hopefully connect with some resources and stuff. Thank you, Tracy Haman -Linton

    • Tracy Hama  December 23, 2019 at 4:28 pm Reply

      My brother Tim was such a rad person! He was such a electric soul. He was born deaf, and the first couple of years of his life were really rough. Spent in doctors offices and surgery after surgery. But he got his hearing back only to almost die at 3 after he contracted an infection from a 3rd degree burn he sustained from being a curious kid. My Grandmother was boiling water on the stove and she looked away for a second and he yanked the handle. He recovered from that a strong vibrant most say hyperactive kid. He was smart, smarter than most people ever knew. We grew up pretty normal, until my Mom developed a drug habit after our parents divorced. So it was me and him basically taking care of each other and our 2 younger siblings. He was the man of the house. Then he was involved in a horrible crime and ended up doing 13 months in prison. He was protecting and helping his neighbors wife as she was being assaulted by some gang bangers from the neighborhood we lived in. He ended up shooting the guy unfortunately and killing him. I was with him thru that whole struggle, as he tried to deal with the fact that he took another humans life. He was very depressed for a few years. He met a a girl and they ended up moving to Charleston SC where she is from. They had a little girl, and he was just moving them into his place finally. The night they were moving into his apt, is when this happened. Some kids started harassing her and even physically assaulting her. My brother was inside and when he heard the yelling and screaming came outside to find one guy on top of her and her fighting to get him off. When he came outside some words were exchanged, and they fought. My brother handed him his ass and the fight was done. He told the guy go home get out of here. As they were walking towards his front door the guy pulled out a gun fired 5 shots as my brother jumped on top of her so she didn’t get hit by bullets. Only one got him, but it was the once in a lifetime shot. It entered his right rib cage not harming any ribs, went into his lung, hit his aorta and exited the left side exactly the way it went in. The only comfort I have is knowing that he wasn’t in pain for long. Neighbors performed CPR on him but it was too late. There is a video of it that was caught on someone’s ring camera on their porch. That’s the only thing that caught the guy that did it. Stupid ass kid ruined 2 families lives in a split second. Sucks for him tho because he is gonna be doing a life without parole sentence.
      It seemed as if my brother had just reached a point in his life where things were looking good, stable, and he had everything in line. Then bam. That’s what gets me. He was the strength I always needed if I fell apart. The Uncle that let my kids climb all over him playing and who took his nieces to the Father Daughter dance because my husband was deployed. He gave the boy a hard time that came to take my oldest to her prom, and he celebrated with my oldest when she bought her first house. He encouraged my youngest daughter to dance at Pow Wows because she is a Cupeno Indian and it was part of her heritage. He bought my sons their first puppy and took them to baseball games. He basically took care of us all. I don’t even know how to feel most days except extremely sad and mad, lost and horrified my sister in law had to go thru watching him die. Its rocked our family to the core. I am so glad I found this. I feel as if there are people that have and are going thru the same things I am.

  117. Amelia  December 1, 2019 at 8:38 pm Reply

    I lost my little sister in 2011 she was only 1 month old i made a promise to myself to protect her i feel and will always feel like an older sister I Always wonder what it would be like if she was alive i miss her so much my brothers and mom don’t talk about her much or ever but i understand that but i just wish i could see her hold her be able to hear her voice and hear her say i love you sis.

  118. Audrey Cucullu  November 28, 2019 at 3:14 am Reply

    There’s nothing about losing a sibling or losing a sibling that you helped raise. I was not his mother and yet a month before he died I was the one waking him up from my couch while handing him leftovers on his way to work driving the semi that he has parked in front of my house. He’s lived with me in every house I have ever been in. He was my little brother. Now he’s gone and will forever be 32. Not only did I lose him but it was to homicide. I don’t understand and there is nothing out there for a sister-mom that lost someone to murder. Is there? Because if there is I can’t find it.

    • Tracy Linton  December 30, 2019 at 12:53 pm Reply

      I am so sorry for your loss. My brother was to homicide also. On Aug. 8 of this year. Its hard to find sibling loss support let alone the specific kind. I know frustrating it is to have someone else think its ok to choose when your best friend dies. As the oldest sister i too was the caregiver to all of my siblings. But he was the one I always did for. You can create one tho. I think that might be awesome actually.

  119. chris boykin  November 27, 2019 at 8:43 am Reply

    My little brother died on November 8, 2019. He was 21 years old for two hours. He wrecked his truck 5 miles from my house on his way to stay with me. He left a frat party at 2am in the morning after drinking all night. He wasn’t supposed to leave! But I guess he wanted to come to my house because we were leaving at 9 to go to our tennis tournament for the weekend. I couldn’t even be mad at him about it because I’ve made the same mistake so many times. He was my tennis partner, my cookout buddy, my best friend. I was the first person at the hospital. The lady at the ER wouldn’t tell me anything without our mom being there. I was just sitting there about to vomit, waiting to hear if my brother is okay or not. She finally told me the news that forever changed my life. My baby brother was in a wreck and didn’t survive. I can’t even describe what that felt like. It was like getting shot in the chest, I fell to the floor crying so hard I was losing consciousness. I hid in the corner when they told me that my mom and dad made it there. I couldn’t let her see my face. Ill never forget her screams echoing down the hallway. It took me only a few minutes to get the courage to go and face an instant fear, which was seeing my mom in agonizing pain. My dad adopted me and my little brother, I felt so bad for him. My brother was his only “blood” child. My dad did everything for him, all the ballgames (multiple sports) making sure the uniforms are spotless, ironing his clothes, making sure everything is together. My dad is lost, my mom is fighting to keep her sanity. I’m reliving that night every time I go and leave from work. He flipped his truck head over head in the middle of the highway. He was ejected from the vehicle and was thrown about 40 yards and landed in the turning lane beside the median. The blood stain finally washed away but the orange spray paint is still there. There is also a large set up skid marks from the 18 wheeler that found him. I miss him so much. Its unexplainable, I hope It gets better soon. We were so close and he was so young. He was so freaking excited about his 21st birthday weekend and us playing in the big tournament together. I was excited too. I have just recently been able to shake the images of his body on the table. When I made it to my mom, we cried and cried for about 15 minutes then they let us go see him. This is my first run in with death and it is an absolute nightmare. I lost my brother to a tragedy. I hope that I can regain confidence in my faith. I have to if I ever want to see him again.

    • Stephanie D Crews  November 27, 2019 at 8:58 am Reply

      Chris, I can’t even begin to share your trauma. I am so, so sorry for the incredible tragedy your family is experiencing. Words can’t offer enough comfort. Be gentle with yourself and feel whatever you’re going to feel. When I lost my sister, I felt like I needed to be “strong” for my parents and it delayed my grieving. That became complicated later. I’m so glad to see you posting here and reaching out to others. Please know that you have my complete empathy and support. Here if you need a friend.

    • Diane Bisner  December 3, 2019 at 10:35 pm Reply

      Chris, My sincere condolences to you and your family on the loss of your brother. I am finding myself on this website as I just lost my younger brother unexpectedly on Friday, 11/29/2019 and looking for some kind of answer. Doubtful there will ever be one. The complete shock and utter denial is over taking us all. I have no words of advise as I just dont have any that I can follow for myself. The best I can say is keep reaching out, post/chat about how you are feeling as we are all here to support one another and try to take it one step at a time. I hope you may find some comfort and peace eventually and know that your brother is with you in spirit and watching over you. Im very sorry for your loss.

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    • Jazmia  December 10, 2019 at 11:29 am Reply

      Chris, as you know there are no words to express how deeply sorry I am for your pain. I lost my brother on July 16, 2016, from him dying in his sleep. Still, to this day, I seek out articles, people, words, poems, books, anything to make sense of the agony I feel every day. I think it helps. But, grief is not structured. It’s messy. It’s complicated. It’s specific as well as universal. And, just know what you feel at any moment, at any time of the day is valid and real. Anything I say will never soften the pain but one thing I will say that I wished someone said to me after my brother died: it’s gonna hurt very badly until it only hurts a little.

      And, you will see him again. What gives me some type of comfort on days like these where I seek out refugee to the pain, I think about time and how it must work between the earthy and spiritual plane. How so many years may past for me for before I see him again but for him, it may just be a blink of an eye.

  120. Lizbeth  November 27, 2019 at 2:43 am Reply

    My brother died on January 1, 2018 after a week in the hospital. He overdosed. This shocked me so much, words can’t even explain how much my world shook. I didn’t know my brother to be involved in that and it was horrifying knowing that I didn’t even know to help him. On Christmas Eve, me and my sisters got a call from a cousin stating that he was in the hospital and everybody was headed there. At first, I thought he had a little accident, nothing too big, but I got there and the air was unwelcoming, faces were dropped, the vibe was unexplainably sad. I think about him a lot. I have had nights where I cry intensely because I feel so guilty. Guilty that I wasn’t able to save him. He was only 25. He had his whole life ahead of him. Now, I feel as if its my duty to keep my brother’s memory alive for as long as I am. I miss him so much. I wish I could tell him I love him one last time, but life doesn’t work that way. It waits for no one. I hope to see him again someday. In everything I do, he’s there. In the back of my mind, inhabiting my heart. If he was suffering, at least I know that he isn’t anymore.

    • Carissa  November 27, 2019 at 6:45 am Reply

      Hi Lizbeth, I am so so sorry for your loss. My brother passed away by overdose Dec 21 2018, aged 38, and it too has crushed my world. Life has changed but I try to stay strong for my family and my children, but it is hard some days. I just wanted to reach out to you and send my love xxx

    • Stephanie D Crews  November 27, 2019 at 8:46 am Reply

      Oh, Lizbeth….I am so sorry. There is just so much pain and grief with the loss of a sibling. I lost my only sibling, my older sister Jennifer, to Lou Gehrig’s disease in 2015. She was a priest and the best of us. I struggle daily with filling a role that I’m not prepared for as an only child. There is so much that sneaks up on us. Hugs to you.

    • Marie  December 10, 2019 at 3:03 pm Reply

      I lost my brother at exactly 29 and a half years of age back in May. I had no idea he was abusing alcohol to such an extreme degree that he managed to destroy all of his internal organs before even turning 30. I feel like he died doing a job he hated and having checked very little off his bucket list. I know his fiance will move on and the child he helped raise will know someone else as “Dad”. It is positively excruciating to see him vanish from the world like this.

      • Stacey  January 6, 2020 at 11:34 pm

        Marie, I am so unbelievably sorry —

        I apologize if my response comes out muddled — I still feel in zombie-mode or something . . . Communication is not my strong suit at the moment, but I connected so deeply with your comment that I felt it necessary to reply.

        I share your pain of losing a brother to alcohol.
        Jeffrey died September 10th 2019 — ultimately from an incredibly rare medical perfect-storm (DIC), but it was kicked off by alcohol abuse and essentially resulted in multiple organ failure. He was 31.

        Jeff didn’t love his job but he loved his coworkers —
        He had the biggest heart, loved animals, was an impressive chef and a terrific gardener…
        Heartbreakingly, he was also an amazing uncle and would’ve been an amazing Dad.

        My brother was my best friend, my confidant, my other half… We were two peas in a pod in the best and worst ways, and the statement you made about your brother vanishing from this world being excruciating …. Yes. Just, yes.

        Sitting next to his hospital bed, begging him to hang on while he lay in a coma (went into the hospital on Monday night, died Tuesday) . . . Those two days will probably always be the very worst days of my entire life.

        I have no idea when this fog will lift, but somehow the world feels a speck less lonely having found other people out there in the world, who truly know the indescribable hell I am doing my absolutely best to survive in.

        I’m so sorry for your loss and for your pain, Marie — I bet your brother was a rockstar.

  121. Anna  November 25, 2019 at 10:22 am Reply

    Holidays are the hardest. I never talk about my brother (which probably makes things worse). Just typing that made me emotional to the point I walked away for a minute. My brother passed away 10 years ago and I don’t think things have gotten easier. Whoever says “time heals all wounds” is definitely lying – or they have never lost someone close to them. If anything it makes it more real that you won’t spend another holiday with that person.

    Growing up it was just the four of us – my mom, dad, myself and Chris. We did everything together and Chris and I were very close. He had lymphoma and passed away May, 2009 and I have never been the same. He was 25. I try so hard to keep it together for my folks but behind closed doors I am just broken. I just miss him so incredibly much.

    I hope everyone can find some type of peace through your personal grieving journey and can replay many happy memories throughout this holiday season. I guess it is nice to know we are not alone.

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  122. Srujana  November 20, 2019 at 9:08 am Reply

    I lost my sister on 23rd July 2019, whom I loved the most. She was just 30 when she died, I love her to the core, I don’t know with whom I can share this, iam so alone now, I used to talk to her in mobile daily for more than 5 times. Now my phone is not at all ringing. I miss u ra chinnu. Life is empty without u. No one can fill ur place. Not even my children.
    How can I talk to u now? Iam so alone …

    • Marie  November 20, 2019 at 10:28 pm Reply

      Srujana, I am so sorry for your loss. I don’t know who you are or your story, but in losing my sister I know I lost my everything. You are not alone – wherever you are in this world, I’m thinking about you.

    • Coreena Johnson  March 5, 2020 at 9:41 am Reply

      I can relate so well, lost my beloved sister almost five years ago, in Nov. We spoke on the phone at least four times a day. Her sudden loss, just put me in deep depression, then less than three months later, my aunt died and the worst was, nine members of my fathers family had died following my sister. We had horrible year following my sisters passing. My only comfort is, right before my mother passed away, she said she saw my sister standing next to me. That would be so typical of my sister, to be there for us. She was so sweet and loved all of us with her pure heart. There is not a day that goes by that I do not think of her. She was my best friend and was the only one that actually got my jokes. She is in heaven with her husband that passed away three years prior. She was only 56, three years older than myself. I keep going because that is what she would have wanted. She was the pure one. Miss her always

  123. Bob  November 17, 2019 at 12:55 am Reply

    My brother Joe died October 2019. It was such a shock. He died of a heart attack. He would go to the gym, go jogging, plus he was in the reserves. He was not only my brother but my best friend. I miss him so much. I come from a christian family. I have been away from the church for so long. I got in trouble with the law December 20 2018 and came back to the church December 22, 2018. The last time I went to church with my brother was over 30 years ago. Now that I go to church every weekend, I go to church Saturday afternoons because Sunday mornings I help my mom prepare dinner. My brother Joe, who went to church every week, would go Sunday mornings. One Saturday, it was sometime this past summer, I was in Church and it was about 10 minutes before start time. I was sitting there waiting for mass to start and here walks in my brother Joe and he sat right next to me. That made me feel so good. The last time we were at Church together I think I was in 5th or 6th grade. I am so happy I got to experience that before he died. I miss him so much. We miss you Joe and we love you. Thank you for everything.

  124. I miss my brother  November 8, 2019 at 9:04 am Reply

    My beautiful brother died 28th October, 2019 aged 33 years. No-one in the family could ever understand the bond we had. He told me when he was going through depression 10 years ago and I doubt he told anyone else but he got through it. Or I thought he did. He cared for our father before he passed away in 2017. He hadn’t been in a good place since and me, thinking I know him so well, told myself he just needs time and as I wasn’t there to see my father towards the end, have to just let him take as much time as he needs. I thought it was enough to just chat about this and that, but I never thought to really ask how he was. How his health was. If he needed to talk about anything that went on. He told me 2 months ago that he had lost a lot of weight and I so carelessly cut him off and laughed about how I had put on weight. I feel so stupid for naively thinking that I was doing enough to make him feel better. I have felt guilty since my father’s passing that I wasn’t there to help my brother. I felt I had no place in trying to change how my brother decided to cope afterwards. Now I feel guilty that perhaps my brother had to some extent gotten over dad, but then felt quite abandoned by me. Others probably thought we weren’t particularly close. I didn’t return my mother’s calls for a day, not thinking there was an emergency, so found out the day after his death. Seeing how he had been living up to his death broke my heart. He did not deserve to have a life like that. He told me he was thinking of an exciting career change. I thought he was making his way out of this dark chapter. Why was I so useless? He meant the world to me. I’m likely the only person he told certain things to and I did nothing. His dreams, feelings everything has died with me. I couldn’t bear to take anything just yet from his room and now I hear it’s been cleaned out and his clothes donated. I hope to have anything at all. I would cherish anything of his for the rest of my life. Thinking time will heal all wounds I had spent the last two years looking forward to a time where he has found his feet and we’d talk and laugh like when we were young, us two misfits trying to make our way in the world. Looking forward to Christmas together after being overseas for the last two. Waiting to be there for him when he was ready to get on with his life. But I ran out of time, he ran out of time. I had chances to jump in but kept letting time go by. Thinking he was ok. I have my own family but I feel so alone in the world now. I miss you so much and my life feels so empty. Every morning I wake up thinking about you and if it was just a dream that you’re gone. Then reality hits. I can’t bear not having you here. I can’t breathe, can’t fight back tears. My heart aches. I love you so, so much. I’ll never forgive myself for not truly being there for you and leaving you all on your own. I’m so sorry.

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  125. amanda  October 28, 2019 at 4:29 pm Reply

    In June 2013 there was 4 of us but now there is just me. I lost my oldest brother in 2013, he was 58. he died of a duodenal ulcer. He didn’t look after himself and had been on a bender. His boss came to check on him and he had died alone with no credit or charge on his phone. Less than 2 years later my younger brother was diagnosed with a glioblastoma (Malignant brain tumour), he died an awful drawn out death in August 2016 aged 54 (15 months after diagnosis). IN August 2017 whilst I was travelling in Cambodia (trying to make some sense of losing my brothers) I received a call to say my younger sister had died very unexpectedly too. She was 50. My parents had to watch 3 children die and then my mum joined them in May 2018. Now there is just me and my father. I don’t know how he gets up each morning but he does. I feel grief but very silently, I try and make excuses because people older than me lose siblings and they have to just get on with it….or do they, it just happened to me 20-30 too soon. I am so shocked, if I hear the name Michael, Timothy or Wendy at work my heart lurches. It still all seems so absurd. I now feel very hemmed in, trapped even as there is only me and my father and I have to care, with two young men still at home, its another to watch out for. I sound selfish but sometimes I am drowning.

    • Laura  October 31, 2019 at 7:34 am Reply

      I’m so sorry for your losses and how much you are handling in such a short period of time. I agree that it seems absurd to have so much loss at once. You and your father are in my thoughts. My sister died 3 months ago in an accident, just 6 weeks after my mother had a stroke and was put on hospice care. I still can’t quite believe that I am dealing with two losses at once and that my sister died in the wrong order, just when I needed her most to help care for our mother. I am going to a grief group, and that has helped me a little. Also I am going to a counselor because I am so irritable and keep lashing out at people. This must be the “anger” stage. I’m trying to do things to feel more positive, for example I decorated a small cardboard box and each day write something I am grateful for on a slip of paper and put it in the box. I have become closer to my brother-in-law and my niece trying to support them. It doesn’t completely balance out the losses but it does help to keep me from spiraling downward during this time of multiple loss. My sister was 5 years older than me and someone I looked up to very much. She was very smart and successful and a very good person. The suddenness of her passing has made the world seem like a much more dangerous random place than it was before. Life seems so fragile. Siblings aren’t supposed to die before parents, anyhow that’s what I used to think, but now life seems so random. I’m trying to get to the place where I cherish each day as a gift, but right now the goal is to just get through the day.

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    • Janice Jones  November 4, 2019 at 11:40 am Reply

      Hello Amanda, I am so very sorry for your colossal loss and it is obvious to me that you are suffering cumulative grief. I just wanted to let you know that you are NOT ALONE in your grief. I too have lost family members and in a SHORT SPACE OF TIME. My dear sweet beloved father started the ball rolling when he died mid November 2016. Eight weeks later, my youngest sister died and that was SHOCKINGLY UNEXPECTED. My youngest sister was MY BEST FRIEND. Twelve weeks following my youngest sister, my mother died. Just under two years later, my middle sister died. There is ONLY ME LEFT and I am struggling to cope on a daily basis. Since that time, I take each day as it comes, I live for the moment and do not look into the future. I deal with my emotions at the time and that is all I can do. I am not the same person I used to be and the death of my family has destroyed my life. I am a shell of what I used to be. I wish you all the BEST and you and your father should STICK TOGETHER and support each other. I have nobody and have been like this now for 4 years this November 19th.

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  126. Ava  October 26, 2019 at 3:00 am Reply

    I lost my only sister when I was 10 years old 4 years ago. She was 26 and she lived in a different state. It’s the hardest thing I have to deal with to this day it seems like the grief just gets worse instead of better. My mom thinks I’m not affected by the loss because I show no signs of grief but when it’s just me I can’t stop crying actually. My mom always compares me to my sister in the way that were totally different and I’m harder to raise kind of way which really makes me sad and a little triggered. I would do anything to see her one more time and I often find myself looking up at the sky trying to talk to her as if she’s gonna respond if she even hears me. I’m not sure if it’s just me that does this or what. And ever since the loss my mom is totally different which is expected but we always fight and I can’t help but think that if my sister was still here she could give me advice because I have no one else I feel I can talk to about it.

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    • Ellen  October 28, 2019 at 4:19 pm Reply

      Hi Ava, I lost my brother when I was 10 also, and he was 25. He was my best friend. For a while I felt completely lost, my parents were so grief stricken I didn’t even know what to do to help so I stayed out of the road. We never ever talked about it. it wasn’t until I was in my 20s his name was mentioned more. It’s important to do something for your sister, like plant a special plant outside, like a pretty rose bush in her favorite color, or create a little collage for your room, or for your mom, something both of you can see and remember her by. It’s important to remember them but also to know that eventually the grief will pass, you’ll still remember her and life goes on. I am 60 now, my brother is long gone, but I always think of him, in a way that I remember funny things or just how kind he was as a person. You can talk to your mom, but she is hurting too still, so remember that, but I would do that. Grow up to be a kind and loving person and honor your sister by that. She would be proud of you for that.

      • Ava  November 9, 2019 at 1:29 am

        Thank you Ms. Ellen for reaching out and giving me advice. It is very nice to have someone that I can relate to, and thank you for sharing your story I’m going to try some of the things you said.

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  127. Tish  October 20, 2019 at 6:03 am Reply

    I lost my older sister 2016 and 2018 lost my baby sister. I was always one of three and now it’s just me. I have brothers it’s not the same. In between my dad passed away too. Life will never be the same, my family will never be the same. It feels like I live my life waiting for my turn to die. And why did they get to and not me.

  128. CM  October 20, 2019 at 12:58 am Reply

    My sister died 39 years ago. She was killed in an accident when we were playing…I still have the horrific images in my mind. She was my only sibling. My parents split up and seemed to forget that one of us survived. No one talked with me about my sister or the accident – it was tough at 7 years old to try to deal with grief alone while everyone seemed to pretend nothing had happened, and I ended up just not dealing with it at all. I thought my parents blamed me for her death, and in my 7 year-old mind I figured that’s why they never talked to me about it. Perhaps this was because I blamed myself. After she died, I began to get excruciating migraine headaches, and only recently have they abated as I have faced the grief which I could not handle alone as a child.

    As the article mentions, I became the one who had to take care of everyone…no surprise that I became a physician. Mastering medicine also helped me fight that horrendous feeling of helplessness as I stood there watching her die, unable to do anything (even though I know now there was nothing I could have done). I became protective of my parents, I could see the raw pain and wanted to do what I could to keep from upsetting them, so I didn’t bring anything up about my sister. I also struggled to relate to kids my own age because what they saw as important, I saw as trivial.

    As I grew up, I kept my distance from everyone, just waiting for the next person to drop dead. As a kid I decided the only way to keep my heart and my life from being destroyed again was to not get close to anyone. And when my parents got back together and had another child a couple years after my sister died, I kept my distance from my new sister, assuming that she would likely die also, and I was going to be ready this time around. I went through life like this with a wall around my heart, unable to form deep, rewarding relationships. School and work became a great distraction from all the stuff I didn’t want to deal with. And I put so much pressure on myself — I felt like I had to live for the both of us since she didn’t get the chance to grow up.

    It has taken years of work to get to the point where I can even try to have close relationships, and it is still a constant challenge. But at least it is a possibility now. When the question of how will the death of a sibling affect a child later in life is brought up, I can answer that one. It all comes down to the quality of the child’s support network. Unfortunately, as this article discusses, the grief of the surviving sibling is often overlooked. But that’s not all – the surviving sibling can become completely forgotten as parents deal with their own grief.

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  129. Esther R.  October 17, 2019 at 12:07 pm Reply

    My older and only sister passed away on October 1, 2019 aged 53.

    She lived what I thought was a reckless life of chain smoking, nightly drinking, and starting a family with a womaniser. Her death was caused by a combination of factors: diabetes, anorexia, depression caused by menopause and empty-nest syndrome, financial hardship, spouse betrayals, and a weakened immune system caused by tobacco and nighty drinking.

    During all of our adult lives I criticised her life choices harshly and now I am overwhelmed by guilt for not helping her more to straighten her life rather than subtly pointing out her shortcomings. This guilt is increased by seeing how our lives unraveled so differently: I did well in most aspects of my life and therefore I live a comfortable life; she only did well at raising two beautiful children and providing for them even if that meant that she was neglecting her physical and mental health. Cherries on top: she always acted tough so nobody knew how gravely ill she was and since we live in different countries was on my way to see her after I got news that she passed, it took me one whole day to arrive to pay my last respects.

    The article is spot on, opportune, and exceedingly helpful.

    I wish I could tell her that I love her deeply; that had I know how serious her conditions were, I would have done ANYTHING to help; that I should have never judged her; and that as different as we are, she leaves a profound void in my heart and life. I have come to terms with my pain and guilt by accepting them as atonement for my inconsiderate and idiotic behaviour.

  130. BB  October 14, 2019 at 3:01 pm Reply

    My older brother (Andrew, 29 years old) suddenly passed away on October 20th, 2018. The upcoming anniversary is causing me so much anxiety. It feels scary to think about the day being here. It feels like a day ago and also ten years ago that I got the phone call he passed away. Grief is such a strange and confusing cycle.

  131. Cathy  October 13, 2019 at 1:43 am Reply

    I just lost my brother suddenly on Monday. I knew when I saw the caller ID this was going to be very bad news…and it was. I screamed NO! Please God no. But he is gone and I feel so alone and so scared and so angry. It was very sudden. He died in his sleep. He looked peaceful. One day we are here walking upright and the next we are gone. Boom. Lights out. I am so depressed. One week off from work is not enough. Thanks for listening.

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  132. Adasha  October 10, 2019 at 8:43 am Reply

    Thank you for this. You hit the nail on the head with us being the forgotten grievers. My little sister died 8-24-19 and tomorrow would be her 47th birthday. I am 5 years older. We had a bad childhood with numerous stepfathers (nine) and instability, leaving us as the two against the world. I was her protector when I could be. When she was 16, she was sent to live with me. I put her in school and finished raising her so it was like I was her mom, too.
    On August 22, my mother called me saying she had just left in the ambulance on life support. I drove the 90 miles in 45 minutes and never left her side for 3 days.
    I drove home empty.
    Since then, the support has been to her husband of 25 years and our mother, who I blame. But I was with her for 46 years. We knew EVERYTHING about each other. We grew up just the two of us alone. And at the end, it was the two of us alone until I went and got her husband.
    I did holidays with his family because she always invited me. Now I don’t know what will happen. I feel this overwhelming need to step into her shoes and help with her 4 boys, but I can’t. I can’t even go to her house. It’s too hard.
    But yes, sibling grief is never thought of. It’s like losing a child to me. The loss of the past and future memories is so hard. Thank you for this article.

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  133. Sandy R  October 9, 2019 at 3:07 am Reply

    One of my older brothers passed away due to a homicide on May 8th, 2016, it was a Mother’s Day. One of the hardest things I’ve ever lived through and I’ve lived through some stuff. He was 25 years old. I really appreciate this post because I live through the overshadow of grief as a sibling and the responsibility of our family (his daughters and my parents). Being a support system to his daughters has been a challenge especially trying to maintain myself during my grief as well as their own, protecting them, teaching them about life, and trying to prove myself to them that I’m here to stay as long as I am alive and that I will always be there for them. My parents grief has been a big responsibility as well, being their shoulder to cry on while they continuously grief for my brother who passed. I will say financially too. My brother lives on through us and often times I wish I would’ve said more I love you’s, I miss you’s, and I’ll always be here for you. It’s been 3 years and although I’ll say it’s gotten easier, that little empty hole in my heart remains.

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  134. anglina  September 18, 2019 at 9:35 am Reply

    I lost my little brother Casey Gene Bone on July 11, 2010. i feel like i should have done something to save him. I mean i dreamed the night before that he would drown in the exact way that he did. i have hated myself ever since.

  135. Tess Barker  September 13, 2019 at 11:05 pm Reply

    On September 13th, 1989, 30 years ago today, I lost my youngest Sister of 29 who had an unknown heart murmur. She has spent 30 years in Earth time in her eternal home with God. She knows all of the secrets of passing on. She speaks to me through the beauty of purple flowers which are her favorite.

    I keep her alive in my heart by the beautiful memories I keep of her. She brings me peace and comfort in a way only she can bring and time cannot erase.

    “What we keep in memory is ours unchanged forever”.

  136. Cee  August 30, 2019 at 7:06 pm Reply

    I lost my 37 year old sister to bowel cancer in mid July 2019, she had only turned 37 four days prior to her passing. It’s only been 7 weeks since she passed but I think only now is the realisation that she isn’t here anymore is beginning to take hold. I honestly don’t know how I feel, numb, sick to my stomach, angry and down right sad. But most of all I miss the daily contact, the numerous text messages or phone calls I had every day, I will cherish those memories in time but for now I feel like I’m drowning in silence.

    I have deep regrets about not seeing her when she was in the hospital, she was never expected to pass away and she didn’t want anyone fussing over her. Now I am eaten up by the guilt that I allowed her to keep me away from her bedside. Moreover, the day she died I got a phone call to say she was gravely ill and to get to the hospital and despite the mad rush to get there, I never made it in time. I never got to say goodbye, and I think that haunting fact will consume me for the rest of my life. I just hope to God that she knew how much I loved her and how much she is now missed. I don’t think I will ever get over it

    • Soc  September 1, 2019 at 3:24 pm Reply

      I lost my sister to suicide last year, she was only 3 years older than me, 27. She had a very hard life with both physical and mental hurdles (uncontrollable physical deficiencies, compounded traumatic experiences and drugs) . I was in absolute shock when I got the news (I was sheltered from most of her hardships). I was numb, with intense crying at night. However, a week later after the burial I felt “normal” again, and decided it was time to move on. The crying stopped, I felt at peace (or so I thought).

      Fast forward a year later and I’ve become so work and school-obsessed that I no longer know how to relax. The stress and anxiety builds and I begin to have panic attacks, followed depressive episodes and near-constant anxiety and fear.

      It was only a few weeks after my first panic attack did I realize I didn’t allow myself to grieve. I began seeing a therapist, who made the very obvious observation: “You don’t get over grief, you get through it.” I realized, I was still numb and was holding on to that numbness, afraid of the emotions I might encounter by allowing myself to grieve. Eventually, my mind and body had had enough, and threw it all back at me in the form of panic, disconnectedness, fear and a complete lack of motivation. To force myself to grieve, I opened up my text messages to my sister, and was hit by a wave of emotions so hard I could barely breathe. I realized all of the anxiety was festering; although I thought my grief was gone, it had been waiting for me all this time. My shelteredness made my mind build these monstrous scenarios, that if she couldn’t handle her issues I couldn’t handle mine.

      I was terrified of going crazy, thinking I’d be next. When in fact, I realized I’d never truly suffered. I never experienced true depression, the type of depression where every little thing seems meaningless. Or true anxiety, where a what-if scenario is capable of making me dizzy, lightheaded and looking for the nearest exit.

      Thankfully, forcing myself to grieve instantly alleviated many of the symptoms. With time it became less constant, coming in waves instead of feeling like an ocean of preoccupation and fear. I learned what my triggers are. But mainly, grief literature, changing my approach to sleep (a proper schedule and routine), meditation and getting closer to my father and learning about his spirituality alleviated the symptoms enough for me to grieve in controlled bursts. Sure, sometimes a thought will come up that brings me to tears when at the gym, or a song comes up from my period of numbness that eradicates my stomach. But feeling like I’m “normal” in that there is a way through, and feeling like I’m more in touch with my emotions than ever has helped tremendously. My sister was the person i loved the most in the world. I still love her dearly, however dealing with the subsequent fear her death caused has made it a complicated relationship.

      My main takeaway has been this: for every weird and scary feeling, there is a source of pain. Running from it, fighting it or numbing it does not address it. Letting it in, as scary as the feeling is, and trying my best to observe it without being afraid, allows it to pass so much quicker, and on the other side I always feel so much better than if I’d fought it or numbed it.

      I hope this helps anyone who suddenly feels like they’re “broken” and have no idea why. Allow yourself to feel the good and the bad, you will come out of each moment glad you did.

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    • Grievingsister  September 4, 2019 at 4:43 pm Reply

      I lost my younger brother who was 31 last summer. I’m still grieving him. I’d always miss him. Some days I feel at peace but some days I feel angry, sad and hopeless and that’s my anxiety kills me. I’ve been on and off. I’ve learned to accept that. I just feel lien id never be whole again. He took a huge part of me with him.

  137. Shameeka  August 27, 2019 at 2:06 am Reply

    I lost My 1st Oldest Brother Gregory on July 6,2019
    He was only 28, he died a week after his birthday
    June 29, my heart immediately fell after I actually witnessed the people taking my dead brother out the building in a body bag out my mother apartment. I will never I mean never ever forget that moment my my mother had called me from work crying couldn’t barely talk saying “Gregory”….. I replied “Gregory what????”
    From that moment it was really bad cuz from my mother voice it’s a hearing you never wanna imagine especially seeing your 1st born son lying in the bed unresponsive with white foam coming out the mouth ..I ain’t wanted to see the pictures after the medical examiner took pictures of him checking him out how he lying down on his back & stuff ..seizures doesn’t in my family so I’m not saying it’s not a possibility we’ll never know until the actual blood test & other deep testing for examination coming back in September… until this very moment I still think about my 1st oldest brother I just saw him not long ago ..the thought of him not living as a human being crushed my hole world I wanted to share & talk so much more with my brother it just didn’t feel right at all.. I never also forget I keep calling my mother phone the day he died cuz I felt something wasn’t right ..she ignored it coupled times after I called numerously & sent 911 there as if I knew somebody died there ..911 called me back saying “YOUR MOTHER SAID LEAVE HER ALONE, SHE DOESNT WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU, SHE HAS A ORDER PROTECTION AGAINST YOU ANYWAY & HOW IM NOT SUPPOSED TO BE CALLING & TEXTING HER IN THE BEGINNING “ after they told me that I was sad not only I can’t & couldn’t know what else was going on in there that I July 6 my mother called me After I got off the phone with what she told 911 to tell me … she called me & that’s when she was crying about my brother being dead …I just feel regret in my heart everyday I live a day on this earth . My 1st oldest brother had a heart of gold he did everything a parent could ask for in a son …that was him . I really miss him I really do I don’t know how else life would be knowing he’s in the after life but one thing I have to understand is we’re all gonna die one day our bodies have a expiration date weather it’s from an accident or not anything can happen & go wrong .

    • Melissa  August 27, 2019 at 7:48 pm Reply

      I lost my brother on July 6th as well. I can’t talk about it yet. He was 41. My heart goes out to you. We loved him beyond words.

    • Marcia  September 15, 2019 at 6:42 pm Reply

      I lost my brother suddenly on July 6th as well. It was my worst nightmare losing a close family member, especially my only brother. What was supposed to be a fun summer day with friends ended tragic very quickly. I keep replaying the phone call I received notifying me of his death over and over again. Sometimes I simply cannot belief he is gone forever. He was just here. How quickly life can change. I loved him dearly and miss everything about him. I see his face and smile and just keep wishing he was here. I sympathize with everyone that has lost their sibling. Reading your messages has brought comfort knowing that there are others struggling as much as I am with my loss.

  138. Autumn  August 26, 2019 at 2:20 am Reply

    Well… I’ll tell ya one thing. Losing my sister has lead me to do and say some crazy stuff.. which lead me to this. I am so happy It did. Despite how sad and heartbreaking everyones stories were to read, they did help me. On May 15, 2019 I lost my older sister Shay in a car accident. It’s been a little over 3 months and I’m as numb as I was the day I got that horrible call. She had gone out to meet up with friends and have drinks. She never came home. We dont know if she was avoiding a deer or if she fell asleep. She just went off the road and plowed through a cedar tree. Around 5am I had gotten the call from our mom, shay had been in a car accident and was on life support. I rushed to get her smaller kids who were at home asleep alone, and I swear I wasnt breathing the entire ride there and to the hospital. She was on life support for 12 hours and then she was gone. I was so heartbroken and mad. Mad at her , mad at myself. Mad at her childrens fathers who left her with such a huge responsibility alone. I wanted someone to blame, and sadly I still do. Alot of days myself. There is 3 of us. 3 sisters. We have all three been thick as thieves. My younger sister being 28, myself 32, and Shay being 33. My sisters are my best friends. We worked together, we raise all our kids together, we live down the street from each other. We do EVERYTHING together. Losing part of our trio has been shattering. I know I will never be the same. To see our little sisters hurt and let’s not even talk about the look i see on my parents face every.single.day. it kills me. I worry constantly about my daughter who cries every night bc she misses her aunt. Or all my nieces and nephews who cry over their aunt who was a huge part of all their lives. My sister Shay left behind 4 kids ranging 6-13 ..between my depression stress worrying about my family and all the kids and trying to prepare for my big wedding day without my sister/my best friend this upcoming weekend, I feel like I haven’t even been able to start grieving. Thank you all so much for your stories. Let’s all keep one another in our prayers❤

  139. Darlene  August 21, 2019 at 8:18 pm Reply

    I lost my sister on June 24th, 2019. She was only 51 years old. She had diabetes. She was sick for a very long time. She had her toes amputated two years prior. Her kidney function was failing and they put her on dialysis. Her heart was weakening also, so she was given 6 months to live back in March of 2019. My sister began to have fluid overload and refused the dialysis. For weeks on end I kept bugging her to go to the hospital to get that fluid off of her. She could barely walk, and she was so short of breath. Her legs felt like they were as hard as concrete. I kept getting in her for weeks on end begging her to go to the hospital. Finally she was in so much pain, she agreed to go. By the time she got to hospital, she was disoriented and confused. She was in so much pain she couldn’t take it anymore. Finally convinced her to do dialysis….. They had to put a new port in her and she could have her session of dialysis begin again. They finally got her through the dialysis, she complained of pain that evening. She was confused and disoriented again. It was like she was fine one minute and confused the next. That same night we got a call from her daughter that the hospital called and said her heart stopped beating 20 min ago. We ran up to the hospital and of course she was gone. I never felt so guilt in my life. I bugged her to death to go to hospital and get back on dialysis. She finally agrees and after her session she does that night. She had a heart attack and complete kidney failure. She was just too far gone not doing dialysis like she should have. She told us that she never wanted to do dialysis again…. that her quality of life was terrible. I was trying to keep her from dying….. but… I think she was just tired and worn out and couldn’t fight anymore. I have 3 other sisters. They are dealing with this in their own way I guess….. I feel a lone at times. It’s like people don’t know what to say when you do talk about it…… I don’t know…. I’m heart broken, I can’t get her face out of my head when I saw her laying in her hospital bed after she died. I close my eyes and I still see her face….. will that vision ever go away? Its been one of the hardest things that I have ever had to go through.

    We had a celebration of life for her…. her granddaughter asked if she could hold my hand—- she said my hands reminded her of her nanas hands………..She left behind three daughters and 5 beautiful grandkids. My heart breaks for them all.

    • Melina Stewart  December 11, 2019 at 8:40 pm Reply

      . I’m so sorry for your loss, Darlene. My eldest sister died today. She stopped dialysis last week. I live an ocean away from my whole family.
      My husband has Aspergers so he doesn’t do well with sympathy. He just leaves me in my own.
      I feel isolated, numb, but in physical pain at the same time.
      So here I am, on the Internet in the middle of the night, reading your story, and everyone else’s, and weeping .
      If nothing else, it let’s me know that there are people out there who empathise.
      Thank you.

  140. Boston  August 19, 2019 at 5:43 am Reply

    I lost my little brother March 16th 2019 at the age of 26 to a car accident. There were no other cars involved.. he got lost out in the middle of no where on a very dark road and lost control of his car . He hit 5 Orange trees before being ejected out of the car and was almost be headed after being thrown into a tree head first. I live in Atlanta Ga… so I got that call at 3:00am .. the worst day of my life. I’m the oldest out of five I raised him from a newborn..so I lost a brother but a son. My life will never be the same.. I cry and feel so alone . I planned his service.. picked out his clothes.. and signed his death certificate. The hardest thing I ever had to do . I look at life differently now. He left two beautiful daughters behind.. it break my heart that they asking for him … asking their mom to wake their daddy up. Those girls was his world.. now I have to make sure they’re taking care of like he took care of them. I’ve always been the strong one… I’m learning that it’s ok.. to NOT be ok. ? R.I.P. Brother/My Baby ? ??

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  141. Crystal Campbell  August 18, 2019 at 9:43 am Reply

    August 1st, 2019 I lost “My Person”, my big sister Michele. Only information I can get was that it was a motorcycle accident with no other vehicles involved. I live a few states away from “home” so it has been hard to get any details about her accident. Unbelievably heartbroken. She was my everything. My Mom, Dad, big sister, best friend, mentor, all wrapped in one amazing woman. My world crumbled after receving the news. Like I have read in a few of the previous posts no one seems to be concerned how the sibling is doing. Not that I need or want a million people calling me or at my door step but I feel as if I was forgotten or my feelings/grief don’t matter. Our parents weren’t really available growing up and left me in the care of my sister even when I was an infant and she was only seven while they went out doing whatever it was they did so all we had were each other from day one. So, I truely don’t know how to go on with her. Everything I do reminds me of her. Even smells send me into an emotional mess. I found a voicemail I had saved that I listen to over and over almost torturing myself. She was only 42 years old she had so much life left to live. So angry. Never have felt pain this deep in my life. “They” whoever “they” are says there are seven levels of grief and i swear ive been through them all seven of them a hundred times or more in the seventeen days I’ved lived on this earth without “My Person.” I dont’ know how to get pass this pain. Although, after reading everyone’s heartbreaking stories of loosing their siblings has opened my minds eye to the fact that I am not alone in my pain. I hope that by sharing my story that someone else can come to the same conclusion that I have. And that no matter where you are in your level of grief that its ok to feel those feelings and no one can tell you how you are suppose to feel or grieve. We all grieve differently and at our own pace. We just have to remember not to get lost in our grief that our sister/brother would want us to heal. Thanks for taken the time to read my story. RIP “MY ANGELEYES!”

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  142. SadwithoutMyBrother  August 13, 2019 at 7:26 pm Reply

    I lost my kid brother on July 4th, 2019. It has not been an easy road without him. Everyday I think of him and think of ways I could have prevented his death. Some days, I just cry alone.

    It’s true that the death of a brother as an adult is often foreshadowed by people consoling the parents of the child. During my brother’s funeral, my dad insisted that he was the only one that speaks, neglecting the fact that my other brother and I wanted to speak as well.

    Sometimes, I picture myself and my brother as kids again and remember our fun childhood. The time I would give him rides from point A to point B when I got my license. He was too young to go. He was 33, and I’m 15 months his senior.

    I miss my little brother, words can’t describe how much I miss and love him. Sometimes when my phone rings I think it’s him. I don’t even know what to do in a world without my brother anymore. I’m no longer happy with him not around.

  143. Lyssa  August 1, 2019 at 1:51 am Reply

    My boyfriend of over 4 years just lost his older brother in March by suicide. I didn’t know him much but I still feel a lot of the pain. My boyfriend sometimes just has a very hard time and I try to help him but sometimes I just don’t know what to do. He says that I help him see a different perspective and then sometimes he says he just doesn’t want to talk or think about it. I tell him not to keep everything bottled up that he needs to talk about it now and then. I was thinking maybe he should he someone but I have no idea what to do or how to help him in the right way. I try to be there and talk with him when he needs it and he says it helps but I just feel so so bad and I don’t know what to do.

  144. Brandon Sim  July 31, 2019 at 10:00 am Reply

    I lost my brother July 1st, 2019 18 hours before his birthday. I wish I would have contacted him sooner. Whether to arrange a day to celebrate his birthday or just to see how he was doing. It would be nice to hear him one last time, but instead I never contacted him until the day of his birthday in which I sent him a simple birthday text. Only to find out 10 days later he was killed the day prior to my text. What bothers me so much is the fact that he never received the text…

  145. Marion Cherry  July 29, 2019 at 8:48 pm Reply

    In one week it’ll be the one year anniversary of my brother’s passing. I’m not sure how I will feel or how to feel, not that there’s any right way to feel. I have trouble taking about it with friends and family, I don’t know why. My brother was the most positive and appreciative of life and family. In his last voicemail to me which I still have, he used the word “appreciate 6 times.” I remember he was calling me back because I had wished him a happy birthday.
    I’ve been looking this past year for support groups or another way to connect with others who have gone through something similar. Like this article mentioned, there is not much to be found on that front, but I’m glad I found this page. So to get to what I’ve been avoiding thinking or taking about: My brother was the kindest, most persevering and most appreciative person that I know. Knew? He was always there for my sister and me with a smile and encouragement, he never brought too much attention to what he was going through. I’m the youngest in the family, at the time I was 30, my sister was 33 and my brother was 36. I wish I would have talked to him more about what he was going through. At age 14 he was diagnosed with diabetes, then in his mid-20s he was diagnosed with testicular cancer, which he was able to beat! He still had complications with his diabetes and I remember one day picking him up from the hospital when I was 27 after he had lost one of his toes. He told me news I wasn’t expecting..he told me his kidneys were at 80% failure and he’d have to start dialysis soon. I remember tears coming to my eyes but I didn’t want him to see them. He was being so optimistic I didn’t want to bring him down. So I made up the excuse of needing to get a snack from the cafeteria and asked if he needed a drink. On my way to the cafeteria I stopped and leaned against the wall and I cried and cried. I texted my best friend about what was going on, fathered myself up again and went back to his hospital room. I took him home and made sure he was comfortable and talked to him..of course he only wanted to talk about what was going on in my life so I talked to him about that.
    For the next year and a half he worked towards getting cleared to be on the kidney transplant list . Health insurance did not make it easy and even before that point it felt like our family was forever struggling against health insurance companies and policies. Another issue that makes me really angry, but won’t get into right now.
    During that time I also was tested to see if I was a match. I wasn’t, but I looked into the kidney donor match program. I want to say I was ready to do it without any question, but that isn’t true. I struggled for half a year with deciding what to do should he become cleared for a transplant. Something I can’t help but feel guilty about now, despite knowing I shouldn’t feel that way, I can’t help it. Needless to say I have survivor’s guilt, and I also just wish half of what he went through I could have gone through instead. He didn’t deserve it. Before he could be cleared for the transplant list, my brother passed away in his apartment. Alone. And I hate knowing that. He went through so much and was the most positive person I knew. I try to stay positive for him, but a lot of times it’s hard to know how to feel or how to respond. I don’t know how to conclude writing something like this. I just hope others who have gone through losing a sibling, know that there are people who can relate and who do want to talk, even if they aren’t sure how.

    • Kenny  September 2, 2019 at 3:35 am Reply

      My brother died at age 44 alone in his apartment too. The kindest person with the biggest heart ever. All of the good ones are taken way to soon. Prayers that both of our brothers are resting in peace.

  146. Windy Hernandez  July 29, 2019 at 6:44 am Reply

    I lost my sister in October of 2013, she was 17 years old. I feel so mad at the world still. I have a great family and I feel my mother didnt deserve this. She has always been the best a mom can be. I feel like my word came crashing down that day and everything after that is done out of habit. I get up in the morning do what needs to be done like everyday cause i have to. I m here but im not here, if that makes sense . I just dont know how to stop being so miserable, and how do i help my mom and 2 other sisters whenever i cant even help the way i feel.

    • Ashwini Pillai  July 31, 2019 at 6:34 am Reply

      I lost my brother on July 1 2019, he was 25 years old.
      It was a sudden cardiac arrest , he died all alone in ICU.
      Till the moment we could reach the hospital he was dead,
      Its getting worse day by day , all I wish is to meet him again.
      I had not talked to him for two weeks and suddenly he is gone forever.
      The gulit is too much to bear.

      • Susan  September 2, 2019 at 6:45 am

        I’m sorry… I lost my brother unexpectedly a year and half ago … I still wake up crying/ missing him almost every day .. probably not much help for you to hear but I know how you’re feeling , Susan

  147. Arthur  July 28, 2019 at 2:22 am Reply

    I havent talked about the way I feel to anyone but here we go. I lost my brother a few years back. We lived together up until his death at the age of 24. He got in a motorcycle accident on his way home. A car hit him head on and he passed away in the ambulance. He was an amazing person, and accomplished so much. The star quarter back of the football team at Serra high school, he broke tom Brady’s record there for yards thrown. He was basically an all star in every category not to mention a complete ladies man. He also worked hard and smart, started a business at the age of 21 while still in college and he had accumulated close to a million by the time of his death. He shined bright to say the least. I always looked up to him (more than my dad) and was never jealous but always happy for his success. I bragged that he was brother to all my friends. After his passing I can’t help but feel like it should have been the other way around. My family has basically fallen apart since he passed. I’ve always been there for my parents to help support them. But nothing I did seemed to really matter to my dad, he was deteriorating and there was nothing I could do about it. Fast forward two years and we don’t even talk anymore, my mom divorced him and he convinced me to put all my money into a business with him and than proceeded to kick me out of the business for profit. I’m not on the llc and there’s basically nothing I can do about it. I’ve always had this lingering feeling that if it were me and not my brother that had passed none of this would have happened. I almost know so. Anyways just needed to get this off my chest, thank you to anyone that took their time to read this.

    • Denise Howard Grissom  September 6, 2019 at 11:01 am Reply

      Arthur, I felt the same as you. I want you to know we are all worthy of the love and deserved to be loved. Many times when we think we are not deserving we can’t find happiness. I do not know your beliefs, but being a Christ follower helped me know I am worthy. I loved my brother most out of 4 brothers. He was fun, took me on dates with his girlfriend(s), took time to be my big brother. He was murdered, and nothing and no one was ever arrested and no justice was ever served. To make matters worse, my brother had decided to stop taking drugs and get his life back together. He was going to turn in some big drug people in, among those he trusted was our first cousin. My family know in our hearts he was primary in my brother’s death, but had no proof. As a follower of Christ I have been able to let it go and give it to God. I know justice will be served either the killer(s) will turn their lives around for good or they won’t.
      Please find a way to love yourself and others will follow. You deserve better than you are getting. Grab life, have good clean fun, and laugh. This what your brother would tell you to do. Find a great woman that loves you unconditionally. Start a family and let them all know how much you loved your great brother. Tell your brother your sorrows and your joys. I still do even though it’s 50 years since his sudden death. By the way, I was 12 years old when my brother was murdered, and was 20, almost 21. It took me 7 years before I could say his name out loud without crying. His death has made me more compassionate, empathetic to others experiencing health problems and death. I’ve done everything I can to help others. In a sense he lives in me still to this day. I hope this may comfort and possibly help you see others going through similar experiences you are. Grief will not go away, because we got to have our loved one in our life. What a blessing of such great memories! Cherish those great memories and do what you can to make the most of your life so they would be proud.

    • Nosipho  September 14, 2019 at 12:01 pm Reply

      I know the feeling. My sister recently died from a car accident. Since her death my mother blames me for not being in hospital on time. She blames me that she died in a car accident whilst going to work, she used to work in my business. My mom would cry for my suster and ask God why her and not me. It didnt bother me at first but the comparison had always been there. I cry a lot for my sister, she was my rock, my everything. But as for my family, they still wish I die. But in all that I have learnt that God is with me, it is not by human that my destiny will unfold but by God. I buried my sister, i couldn’t believe paying for mortuary fees, her cascette, and everything else. She was only 29 years old. I miss her a lot. Reading your post helped me to feel better. I have also realised how much my family hated me, my late sister would always warn me about them but I never wanted to accept it. Now that she is gone, ive learnt that its all about me. She left a 4 year old boy which I love dearly, my family also took him as I was his primary caregiver even when my sister was alive. Its been tough but I believe God is keeping me alive for a reason.

  148. Charlotte Banks  July 19, 2019 at 4:39 pm Reply

    I lost my brother Monday. He had end stage liver disease. It was unexpected as he didn’t tell us the extent of the disease and he knew he had days to live but didn’t tell us. I have spent almost every day with him for 8.5 weeks. He was only 40 and spent his 40th in hospital. He died a traumatic death, 12 hours of vomitting blood and he was looking around the room frightened. He cried out that he was dying a couple of times. He didn’t deserve that awful death. He didn’t want to die and fought so hard. He wanted to live and at times I haven’t so it feels the wrong way around. Life will never be the same.

    • Marion Cherry  July 29, 2019 at 9:44 pm Reply

      I appreciate you sharing your experience. I had a similar one with my older brother (he was 36) and had renal failure, among other health issues he faced. I remember wishing even when he was alive that I could have taken on some of his issues, because I was the one at times who didn’t want to live and experienced deep depression. My brother never made it about him though and I don’t think he liked to tell us when things would start to get bad or when he couldn’t afford medication (insulin for his diabetes). He had the best spirit though and was always optimistic, I try to remember that and live that. Sorry to talk a lot about my experience, but I hope in a little way it can help you feel like you’re not alone. Losing my brother brings up feelings I can’t articulate so I look for others to help me relate sometimes, I hope my sharing helps you too.

  149. Brenda H  July 16, 2019 at 7:51 pm Reply

    Thank you for this post. I have been looking for something like this for a while. I have noticed in the responses that it is very maddening to hear “you need to be strong for your parents.” Honestly, I feel better now that other people have felt the same anger as I have; every time I hear that, I want to yell their heads off. I lost my one and only sister on May 14, 2019, two days after her 41st birthday and a month shy of her second year wedding anniversary. It was a brain aneurysm, sudden and without prior warning.

    I feel the guilt that many do. She was perfect. She was thin, vegan, active, she sang and danced and had a little etsy store where she sold dog sweaters. She was in a student film, she got to sing at the house of blues; and she got to have the most beautiful garden wedding, something she had been planning ever since she was 8 years old. The only thing she needed was the groom, and after so many horrible boyfriends, she finally met her Ken.

    But I also feel something else, and this I shared at her service. She may have been a great friend, an awesome aunt, the best bestie, coworker, and the love of her husband’s life, but in the end she was MY SISTER. No one, on this good earth can even begin to understand the bond that we had. We were not best friends, we didn’t even text to each other that much. I am the exact opposite of her; but the bond that we had was stronger than any other bond save the bond with her husband. Our relationship was special, it was unique and it was just for me. It’s true, we had the longest running joke, and that belongs just to me. It is a good feeling. She gave me that, mi big sis.

  150. Gail A Bartlett  July 6, 2019 at 8:56 am Reply

    Patty and I were 3 and 5 when our baby sister Susan died at 14 mos old; she was precious and sweet and always happy. No one ever talked to us about her death..she just never came back from the hospital. We were sent to stay with different families and as an adult…I believe it was during the funeral and for several weeks after. We were not well behaved. We would cause trouble every night-jumping, laughing,singing…once we threw everything out the window; pillows and blankets, a few scatter rugs, whatever was not to heavy for our little hands. When the Adults swung open the door to yell…my mind plays it out as Charlie Brown adults..wahwahhwahwahwa. Patty and I stood together…and she with her hands on her hips she bent forward and yelled”hey..we don’t have to listen to you…you are not our parents.” And I stood 5yo tall and said “yeah” shaking my fist.
    Where were they anyway…our parents? Not sure …but I would think they were so filled with pain…they couldnt imagine life without their sweet baby…and couldn’t take care of us. Where was our little sister? It was sad , lonely and oh so confusing for us all. Patty and I had each other. For all our growing up..then she got cancer and died too. We were adults now with other younger sisters too. But I remeber the huge pain in my chest as my heart broke again..No no not another sister”.❤❤

  151. Kath  July 6, 2019 at 4:12 am Reply

    I have 3 brothers (older than me) and 1 sister (younger) and we are a dysfunctional family and have not had a lot to do with each other during our adult years. On the 23rd May 2018 I lost my middle brother aged 57 to end stage COPD, we did not even know he was sick he did not want us to know as he did not want any of us to worry about him. I was at work when my nephew called me several times to tell me that the Hospital had called him to tell him he had hours left to live. He had instructed the hospital not to tell any of his family, he only let the hospital call us when they told him there was nothing more they could do for him. By the time we got to the hospital he was in a coma, and he passed away on the following day. His funeral was on the 30th May 2018 and in the early hours of that day my Step-father passed away with stomach cancer and heart failure. needless to say we were devastated.

    Now this week I prepare to say goodbye to my other brother who has just turned 57 to Alcoholic Cirrhosis of the liver, to his credit he stopped drinking as soon as he was diagnosed approx 3yrs ago. My mother and I have been watching him get progressively worse over the last 3 months to the point that I took time off to start taking him to his appointments as he was becoming too weak to drive himself 300-400 klms to his appointments. He too has not been fully up front about how sick he is until I talked to his doctors and they suggested to him to be admitted to hospital and he refused and wanted to delay it for 1 week. I had to loose my temper at him the following day and very loudly pointed out to him he was dying and was being very selfish by making us watch, well by the end of my tirade he agreed to go to hospital that day. I scared him by being so very blunt. Seven days after being admitted to hospital he has been moved to the ICU due to being severely malnourished, muscle waste and with encephalitis he can barley keep his eyes open and cant even hold a cup, the Doctors advised they will not be able to do any life saving measures to save him as they would have an adverse effect on his failing body.
    He only has days left and I feel so very helpless and angry at the same time… all the thoughts of why didn’t I step in sooner. Why hasn’t his own family stepped in.. Why has it taken till 2 days ago for them to be involved and why cant they see he is dying … I feel they are delusional they think he is going to recover!!! there is only 1 cure and that is a liver transplant and he can’t have it as he is too far gone and too frail and the surgery alone will kill him.
    I am heart broken my only consolation is that I have had to privilege to spend time with him and provide some minor assistance to him for 2-3 weeks

    thank you for listening

  152. Meg  June 25, 2019 at 8:23 am Reply

    My brother and a group of his friends all went to help their friend change a tire. Three of them, including my brother were hit by a drunk and high driver. My brother and one of his friends did not make it. It was hours before my birthday. None of us will ever get over it. February 19, 2018 is the day that my world came crashing down and my family has never recovered.
    I play down my own emotions because I wasn’t his friends who were there that night. I’m not Dustin, who has to live with the fact that he survived while his friends didn’t. I’m not my brother’s girlfriend who was there and his stepson who misses his daddy. I’m not my parents: my mom who made it in time to ride with EMS or my dad who was in the emergency room as they tried to resuscitate him. I wasn’t even Jonah’s sister, who had an actual bond with him. Me and my brother barely tolerated each other as we got older.
    My brother was the popular one, I was the annoying crybaby who never really bonded with anyone. He was the one who was healthy and into fitness, meanwhile I get winded climbing a flight of stairs. My brother was the one who was going to be married, had a job he loved, and friends who were ride or die. I was/still am the one who struggles to even find employment and have decided to becoming an old maid. At his funeral, sign wavings, anything that is for them, I have people walk pass me and find my parents, or his friends, or his girlfriend. My parents and his girlfriend’s faces were plastered all over the news, while I stood to the side awkwardly trying to not cry. I had a well meaning cousin look me straight in the eye and tell me to. ‘take care of my parents.’ My mom who tries to come off as caring, mentions the fact that I have had several breakdowns to the rest of my family.
    I want to scream at people. I want to be selfish and tell them that they don’t get it because they didn’t have to hear their brother on the phone in pain. That they didn’t go from being excited for a new job and a birthday to then pleading with God for their brother to be ok. They weren’t the ones who came home first to close up my brother’s room because they didn’t want their parents to be upset when they came home. They’re not the ones who sat in the living room numb as their birthday creeped in. The sorrow I feel when my parents decide to watch the slideshows I made for my brother and the fury I have to swallow down to not scream, “I shouldn’t be the one doing my brother’s slideshow at 26.” That I shouldn’t have lost my brother at the age of 23. The horrible thoughts that tell me: It should have been you. No one would have cared if YOU were the one dead. Daniel had a job and a family, you? You’re just a failure. You can’t die now though, why put your parents through the hell of losing BOTH their children.

    • Jessi  July 14, 2019 at 5:41 pm Reply

      I just wanted to say thank you for posting your experience. I was 21 when my brother suddenly passed away in a car accident. He’s my only sibling. As hurt as my parents and I were/are, I (thought) it was my responsibility to take care of them. After all I was the older one who was in grad school for my Master’s in social work. I was the one who knew what songs he would want played at his funeral. He was my absolute best friend.
      My best friend (and some times my only friend) who would make sure he spent time with me after each of my serious brain/spine surgeries before going out with friends on a Friday/Saturday night. Again, I was left to wonder why it was him and not me as I was the sick one.
      Fortunately my parents were aware of this and made sure to always check in on me as much as I would check in on them. My brother died on July 15, 2011 and it still doesn’t always seem real. I still occasionally go to grab my phone to text him either something funny I heard or a new song from a band we both liked. The worst is when I hear part of a joke or see/hear something similar we liked because no one else gets it. You can explain it as much as you want to other people, but it just isn’t the same. <3

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    • Jazmia  December 10, 2019 at 11:58 am Reply

      I feel the exact same way. I feel as if I should’ve been the one to die. I should’ve gone to sleep and not have woken up. My brother died three years ago and my family feels it every day. If it was me, it wouldn’t have been this way. He was better than me in every sense of the word. Even though I know my family would be sad, it wouldn’t have been like this. Now I have to live.

      • Fenella  December 15, 2019 at 6:22 am

        Ditto to every word. My brother died on 3rd Dec 2019. He got hit off his bike by a car fleeing police at high speed. 8 days in a coma then taken off life support. He was superman. Successful, fit and sporty, driven and generous and kind, had a great career, wife and son who he adored. He was the useful one. I’m the burden, single mum with health issues, no career to speak of. And now I can hardly bare to be in the same room as my parents because the pain is staggering. The loss is staggering. I can barely get through the day myself, let alone support anyone else. I’m so angry with him for leaving me.

  153. Nathan  June 25, 2019 at 12:32 am Reply

    My sister is not here anymore. And neither am I.

  154. Kellyn  June 12, 2019 at 10:22 am Reply

    As a fellow bereaved sibling (my sister died in August, 2017), I very much agree that we are forgotten mourners.

    Case in point – my dad died in 2004 and afterwards, I considered myself to be fairly knowledgeable on how to support people in grief (I wasn’t right, of course, but because I was the first of my friends to lose a parent, peers often turned to me when terrible things started happening to other people).

    A high school friend who I hadn’t spoken to since graduation lost her sister…and I learned about it about 6 months after the fact. I wrote a card to her parents with this really beautiful memory of their daughter, but NEVER CONSIDERED sending a card to my old friend (seriously, WTF!).

    For sibling out there looking for community – there is a story sharing group on instagram group for brothers and sisters. You can find it here:

    https://www.instagram.com/survivingoursiblings/

    I think there is a lot of power in writing your story with your sibling – and a lot of comfort in reading the stories of others.

    • Kim  July 6, 2019 at 4:00 pm Reply

      I cannot thank you enough for sharing the information on the Instagram group. Finally, I feel connected to others experiencing the same kind of pain. Thank you!

  155. Sher  June 6, 2019 at 7:31 pm Reply

    On April 29th, 2019, I lost my younger brother. He was 19 years old. Mother’s Day was May 12th, and his birthday was May 31st. The grief is overwhelming at times. I am the oldest, while the brother I lost left behind a twin. I feel as if my grief isn’t as important as the twin, or even my parents. I feel responsible for taking care of everyone else, while my parents, especially my mom, are unable to take care of me. I’ve lost two grandparents before this, and neither of them felt this horrible. I know it is still fresh, but it’s making me feel crazy. Not a day goes by where I don’t think of him. He was the “youngest” and I feel responsible for not taking care of him like I should have, even though there was nothing I could have done to prevent this. I hope one day I can become a “normal” person again, but until that time, I’m a former shell of the person I once was.

  156. Briana  June 4, 2019 at 2:09 pm Reply

    I lost my younger brother May 12, 2019. He battled cancer for 4 years, including one relapse, and he would have been 20 on May 21st. May 12 this year happened to be mother’s day and that just really sucks. I feel like my grief and feelings have been overlooked the whole time he suffered with cancer, but especially after his death it feels like I don’t matter. People keep telling me that they’re glad I was home to take care of my parents like I was unaffected. Who was supposed to take care of me? My parents have been great, but even they constantly talk about how parents should never bury their children and how hard it is. I is very hard, and parents shouldn’t have to bury their children, but at 22 years old I shouldn’t have had to bury my 20 year old brother. My best friend for 20 years. The only thing that comforts me is that my last words to him we’re “I love you”, but I still wish school and work hadn’t prevented me from coming home to see him as much as I wanted.

    • Sher  June 6, 2019 at 7:33 pm Reply

      I lost my brother shortly before you lost yours, and they were only 10 days apart in age. I understand your loss, and I wish you well, even though life may suck right now.

  157. Kala  May 30, 2019 at 5:47 pm Reply

    After reading some of the posts on this site, I felt compelled to share. I lost my younger (and only) sister, along with one of my childhood friends 3 weeks ago on May 9th, 2019. We grew up in a small, isolated town in Alaska and went to high school here. My sister and I had an age difference of nearly two years (I’m 18, she was 16), and she was my absolute best friend. She was in her boyfriends truck with our friend. They were driving on a mountain when he lost control of the truck near the cliffside. He managed to jump out and survive before it tumbled down a 900 ft steep ravine and broke into pieces. It was fatal. My sisters body was found 700 ft down the ravine, and my friends body was 400 ft down the ravine. It was unexpected and unnatural. There was no warning, no time for me to tell her how much I love her, and how much I care. Our future is destroyed. She never got to go to prom, or see me graduate high school. She’ll never be able to meet my children or attend my wedding. I’ll never be able to hug her and talk about silly things again. Without her in my life, everything feels dull and I’m completely lost. I don’t want to be alone, but I know she’ll always be in my heart and would want me to live my life to the fullest. I’m not mad or hateful towards her boyfriend, as I’ve known him my whole life, and I know that my sister loved him very much . My family and I have been talking to a counselor, but I have so many questions that no one can answer… I just wish I could have protected her from this.

  158. Nichole  May 28, 2019 at 4:11 pm Reply

    Hi My name is Nichole
    I just lost my brother suddenly due to a heart attack age 44.we had just lost our father 2 years ago.i am completely lost.my best friend is gone.he is my middle brother. I am the oldest 46 and my youngest brother 40.i have not been the same since may 5th 2019.i don’t know how to feel.

  159. Lisa  May 21, 2019 at 3:02 am Reply

    My older sister, and only sibling, died on May 21, 2016. She was diagnosed with AML (a form of Leukemia that is fast moving) she was almost 59 years old. She fought hard to beat the AML. I was her 100% match for a stem cell transplant which we did on May 26, 2015. Her doctors told us I was her best chance. All went well with the sure cell transplant, and no cancer was in her blood as of September 2015! We all breathed a huge sigh of relief…. Then her numbers began to crash again by Dec, and they didn’t know why. We had to wait 1 year to the date to do another stem cell transplant… By February she was back in the hospital, and was back to getting infusions and transfusions… She stayed there in the hospital until The 15th of May. I kept asking if the Stem Cell Transplant had failed. I was told her blood was still clean, no cancer present in her blood. Then before sending her home around May 10th or 12th… We were told that although there were no cancer cells in her blood, the AML cells had formed tumors in her esophagus and lungs. She was not strong enough for more chemo, and another SCT couldn’t even be tried until the 26th… And because the cancer had formed cells outside the blood system it wouldn’t help. My strong, brave, fighter of a sister lost her battle on May 21, 2016. I miss her and mourn her daily 3 years later. I can’t find my footing and get back on my feet. I was once very social… Now going out doesn’t interest me, I no longer very daily, but at least 1-2x a month when alone I will break down. I have learned that survivors guilt is real, and it is devastating! (I am not selling diagnosing, I went to counseling for 3-4 months at some point during the first year without her b/c my husband and daughters thought it would help, and that is what my counselor said I was suffering from) I agree with the counselor…I honestly love daily with the regret of my stem cells not being good enough to save my sister. I hate today and transplant day (May 21st & May 26th) every year! I cut off all contract, go dark in social media and just hide away for the day!

    My sister was more than my older sister, she was my best friend, my confidant, & my partner in crime! We had so many inside jokes… And now it’s just me… When she gained her wings her pain ended… But sadly my pain started. I’m tired of hurting, I’m tired of missing her, and I’m tired of being the ” strong little sister” that handles everything and manages her grief well!! Guess what!!! I don’t handle my grief well… I’m a friggin basket case… And have totally lost myself!! I need to find my feet again, and I know I need to move on… But along with there being very few grief support groups for siblings… Try finding one for siblings who have donated from their body to save their sibling and it failed! That is the group I need? SCT failures unite… There is honestly no group out there for us!

    • Kelly Dubois  June 11, 2019 at 3:38 pm Reply

      Let’s make a group !!!!
      I lost my little sister two years ago today June 11, 2017. She is no longer in any pain but I too feel like my pain started the day she left??
      I feel exactly like you do
      I relate to everything she was my whole world. 13 Months apart and we spent 36 years together. As she was 36 when she passed away. She had diabetes that led to a very bad kidney and heart disease. She had her toe amputated and was devastated that she couldn’t work anymore. I’m so angry that the doctors didn’t give her dialysis for her kidneys. She called me on Saturday and told me she couldn’t walk that her ankles look like elephant ankles they were so full of water. The hospital released her two days ago because I asked her why are you not in the hospital Keri?!?!
      I still can’t believe the hospital released her 2 days before she passed! I’m so angry I’m so upset I have so many emotions all of them! I am completely broken

    • Kate  June 15, 2019 at 8:19 am Reply

      I donated my stem cells to my brother. 13 months older than me. He died on Tuesday. (2 months post transplant.) Desperately need to join a group of people who have experienced the same. Survivors guilt, just utter devastation, anger….all sorts of emotions coming up.
      He was 42. It’s his birthday next weekend…. I have never known life without him. All the photos are killing me. We were always together.
      So sad.

    • Miranda Clayton  August 24, 2019 at 1:08 pm Reply

      I lost my youngest sister also, she too was my BEST FRIEND, MY CONFIDANT, MY COMPANION, MY ADVISER and I lost her. I made so many many many mistakes at the time she suddenly fell ill and within 3 weeks she was dead and I was DEVASTATED. It was like being hit by a high speed midnight express train and I have NEVER RECOVERED FROM THIS and I am lost without her. She died three and a half years ago, but to me, it seems LIKE YESTERDAY and my mind keeps reliving the HORROR, THE DRAMA, THE TRAUMA. I will NEVER forgive myself for acting upon the advice of that EVIL GENERAL MEDICAL PRACTITIONER and he CAUSED EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED starting on Christmas Eve morning at 10am in 2015. My father had just die ONE MONTH EARLIER and we were ALL still grieving and that was the LOUSIEST CHRISTMAS I had ever had in my whole life. Now I HATE Christmas and it makes me feel sad, distressed, lonely and GUILTY. Twelve weeks following my BEST PAL’S DEATH, my mother died. And last year, I lost the LAST SURVIVING MEMBER of our family which was our MIDDLE SISTER, he death too was sudden. She died Christmas last year 2018 on the 27th and she was dead before she hit the ground. So now I am left all alone on a hostile planet, with NO family, NO real friends and plenty of enemies and stalkers.

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  160. Alain Beaudoin  May 11, 2019 at 11:30 pm Reply

    I lost my youngest sister on my very first Father’s day.
    I mention that because I was 57 years old and my son was 8 months old. Yes my wife is much younger and we also have a 13 month old little girl who will never know her auntie.
    I can tick off most of the grief feelings listed. However, the guilt I feel feels insurmountable. Back in 2006 my sister took me in while I tried to recover from a nasty divorce. I had taken a 3 month medical leave . I lived 2000 kms away from my sister and eventually I sold my condo, gave up a lucrative job and started my life over surrounded with her love and understanding. Today I have a great wife, kids, large house and have travelled around the world. I owe her more than I can ever say….her patience, understanding, her efforts guiding me through the divorce as my proxy, care and love etc.….when she went to the hospital in spring 2017, I was unavailable due to work, moving, and young family issues plus she was 3 hours away. Her new husband kept us in the loop but in retrospect I had no idea what the hell was going on. At the end, I was at her bedside the same way we were together at our mother’s in 2001. We always had a special bond with me being the oldest and her the youngest. We understood each other.
    I went to therapy to work through my issue but nothing alleviated the guilt. Triggers are everywhere and I compartmentalize. I will start therapy again, it’ll be two years this June. I was disappointed in the lack of information and studies regarding sibling loss. My personal relationship with my wife is suffering. Unless you experience sibling grief you have no idea how profoundly it affects your thoughts, your behaviour, your soul.
    My other sister is made of sterner elements. I am not. It’s as if I want to self-flagellate with the pain I feel.
    Shortly after passing, , my x- brother in law told me my sis used to wake up and say she dreamed her dying was a nightmare and she’d wake up relieved it was a bad dream and then she would actually wake up and the opposite would be true.
    That kills me every time I think of it.

  161. Karen Nicole  May 11, 2019 at 5:00 pm Reply

    These stories are eye opening. I wish I had read them sooner…. although, I don’t know what else I could have done to support my boyfriend who lost is brother. My boyfriend whom I loved very much, lost his brother a year and a half into our relationship. Prior to the death, we had an amazing bond and love for each other.

    I’m speaking in the past tense because a few months after the death….. things changed dramatically. He completely changed. He was unloving, mean, dismissive, hurtful, unkind, sarcastic, and turned against me. I was suddenly the enemy.. He saw a grief counselor for one visit and decided that was all he needed…. and apologized to me and blamed the change on his brother’s death…… and then shortly after that the behavior started again and became worse.

    At this point, I can see that he is very intentional in the pain that he is inflicting on me. We were so close… and now we share nothing. We were best friends who had a very intimate bond… Soulmates. …. We shared everything, and now, we share nothing. He completely shut me out… I used to trust him – now he lies all the time.

    So now, I am also grieving, because the man that I loved, is a monster that I do not know. I thought I was being supportive to him… but I guess it wasn’t enough. As much as I was in love him; I had to cut the cord. The emotional abuse is off the charts. Now, I have to take care of myself. He is a 30 year sober recovering alcoholic and addict. Whether he is pushing me away so he can use… or if he has already started using again – I can no longer be a part of the destructive road he is on. My heart is broken – but the situation was getting even worse. He turned into a liar, a gaslight, and a womanizer,

    Can anyone tell me what I was missing, or if there was anything I should have been doing?

    • Lili  June 5, 2019 at 3:54 pm Reply

      Your friend is grieving in his own way, be it destructive to himself and others. I suggest you let him go. He will continue to grieve in this manner until he realizes that his brother would not want him to continue in life in a destructive manner.

  162. Esther  May 10, 2019 at 4:45 am Reply

    My brother was killed 2 years ago on Thursday, May 11, 2017 by a drunk driver who crossed into his lane head on and killed him instantly. One block from his work, which he commuted an hour to daily. I was woken up with a phone call telling me he was gone. I was still half asleep when they told me and I sat right up in bed and my world came crashing down. I still have nightmares about it and the pain was and is still so unbearable so much of the time. We were a year and a half apart. Extremely close. He was my best friend my entire life. He was everything to me and now he is gone. I feel that the second year has been far worse than the first year, because the first year you are just trying to endure it. Then the second year, there are no more firsts and it sinks in even more that this is forever and it hurts even more. He was 41 and had 4 young kids, 7, 9, 11, and 15. The guy got the minimum- 4 years jail time when he already had a previous dui, was driving on a suspended license, in a car that wasn’t his, that had no insurance on it. He had numerous arrests his whole adult life and was a well known drug dealer in the area but knew how to play the system. He was being followed by a police officer that witnessed the entire accident. I always wonder why he didn’t pull him over. He was 3 times over the limit. I feel like people just don’t get it. Like at 6 months people think you should be over it already. It’s been 2 years and it is still a struggle and I still can’t sleep or concentrate so much of the time. And I feel like I have no one because most of my friends haven’t even lost a parent yet, much less a sibling. I lost my Dad a year and a half before that.
    I also feel like everyone downplays your grief as a sibling. At the funeral and right after, (even now they still do this), everyone would ask me how my mother was doing, or how my sister-in-law was doing. They never asked me how I was or how I was doing. It was always about my mom or my sister-in-law. Like it didn’t matter what I was going through. I just wanted to scream what about me? Why don’t you ask me how I am doing? Not that it wasn’t hard for my mother or his wife. But you are completely overshadowed and no one seems to get it that you are in pain also and are oblivious to the destruction the loss of a sibling brings to YOUR life. Yes, it destroys the life of the spouse and mother who loses their child and the kids he left behind, of course, but it also destroys the life of you – the sibling. Forever. I just feel like no one gets it. They trivialize sibling losses, when they are in fact, significant and tramatic to those that are close to their siblings. You lose your past, your present, and your future because all the family history with your sibling- no one else knows or will ever understand. I had all these inside jokes with my brother that were just ours alone. I could be myself with him and be stupid and silly and he accepted me 100% in a way no one else does or could. I have memories of growing up together that no one else has because it was just the two of us together. I have other siblings but we were the ones closest in age to each other and were each other’s constant playmates and companions as children and as we got older, our bond just got stronger. I was robbed of a future together because of the irresponsible actions of someone else. I am indifferent to the guy to a point most of the time but also angry that he lived and my brother didn’t. It should have been the reverse. And yes I just said that. It’s always the innocent people that die in drunk driving accidents most of the time. My brother never drank in his life and the irony of it is stifling. Just wanted to share my story.

    • Kim  July 6, 2019 at 4:30 pm Reply

      I lost my only sibling about 9 1/2 months ago to a massive heart attack. It’s still so hard to fathom. She was my best friend. We had been through so much together. Our mom died when we were young (I was 15, she was 20). She, being the older one, took over the mother role and did the best she could. She married and was so unhappy. He was and is such a jerk. I helped her through as best I could. She helped me in the struggles (which are continuing) of my being married to a pastor. My grandmother (we were very close to her) died Sept 30, 2017 (on my birthday-how cruel is that!?). My sister and I were with her when she took her last breath. But we were going to be okay. We had each other. Then, I got the call on Sept 23, 2018. It was the absolute worst day of my life. My sister had died of a massive heart attack. My husband says the scream he heard come out of me was something you only hear in horror movies. I was in total and complete shock. I’m angry, so freaking angry! She left behind 2 kids, 20 and 11. Her husband treated her horrible. And now, he’s playing the grieving husband. I know how you feel. Because it should have been him that died…not her. Her kids need her, not the father they have been left with. I help as best I can with them, but I can barely function myself. I fear losing someone else. I’m so sick of death! I fear dying myself, but at the same time, I just want to go on. At least there would be no more pain.

  163. Hailey  May 3, 2019 at 10:34 pm Reply

    Hi, my name is Hailey and i am only 11 years old and at age 8 i lost my older sister and she was only 14 years old, my sister died from a brain hemmerage and i am the youngest of 7 children, i feel horrible because i could not save her and i will never see her again and possibly never hear her voice again, it is very hard because my friedns are kids so they don’t get it AT ALL!!!

    • Claire  May 11, 2019 at 12:07 pm Reply

      Hayley I’m sorry for your early loss . I can only say that keeping the good things, let go of the horrible things and allow yourself to randomly smile at sweet memories will be lifelong but the strength you’ve got to express your feelings is fabulous. Sadly there are no why, your sister ,answers but only that you were the special person to become her sister. Keep close to your family.

    • Courtney  August 30, 2019 at 3:18 am Reply

      Hailey,
      I’ve carried a pain similar to yours for a very long time. When I was 10, my little sister passed away at 17 months old. When you go through the loss of a sibling at that age, devastating isn’t a strong enough word to describe the struggle. I had feelings I couldn’t explain, not even inside my own head. I felt guilty if I was to talk to my parents about my pain, because I knew they had to be going through a pain worse than mine. I remember the thoughts that crossed my mind that as an adult, concerns me more than when I was a child. I remember thinking to myself if I just hold my breath, I could see her again. As an adult, I still can’t bring myself to tell that to my parents. It would only bring them guilt of being fooled by the kid I was trying to be, the kid that was okay, the kid they didn’t have to worry about because they had enough to deal with. To this day, I have never seen my parents so lost. But I was lost too. We all were. But I thought I couldn’t let them know because it would only make it worse. I have realized that isn’t true. I should have told them what I was experiencing but I didn’t because I didn’t want to break them and they seemed so broken at the time. My older sister was 12. She told them everything and showed them all her feelings. I saw them cry because of what she told them and I took it as she was hurting them more. That wasn’t true. They were crying with her because they were feeling the same as she did. Sometimes crying together helps. It makes you feel not so alone. Truth be told, my older sister came to accept my little sisters death before I did, but that’s because I bottled it up inside and grief doesn’t go away when you do that. Grief has to be faced, which is so incredibly hard when you feel so empty. I wanted to stay sad because I thought she deserved it. I cried so much that I still believed I cried all the tears out of my body. It was like I felt my eyes pushing out the tears, but I was shocked when they didn’t come out. I also just wanted to feel happy again, like a child should at that age. That also made me feel guilty for ever wanting to be happy without her. Even though I knew she would want me to be happy. None of my friends understood. I didn’t feel comfortable talking with them about it because they were too young to know what to say, and I always would end up feeling embarrassed by causing the awkward feeling. The only person my age I could talk to was my best friend who missed my baby sister very much too. We cried together many times. For many years. Because grief is not something you get over but something that makes you stronger, because you have no other choice. I would never want a child to experience that pain and I am so so sorry that you have. I wish more than anything that you didn’t. It hurts in ways that words can’t explain. What did help me was a bunch of little things. Find a journal. Write to your sister. No need to catch her up on what’s happened because she is watching every day. She is living life through you. She will get to experience the fun memories to come because she is watching you. And as an older sister, I’ve wished so many times to have been able to take her place. That is a very normal feeling. Without a doubt, I know how much a big sister deeply loves her baby sister. Trust me. It’s a painful love I’ve lived with and would choose to continue to live with so she can live life through me too. I have to admit, it’s hard to read comments about people who lost their siblings after so many years of being able to live life with them. It’s hard because I’m jealous. Being so young, my memories are not very clear and that’s really really hard when you feel that is all you have left of your sister. I remember kissing her pacifier many times after she died because it was the closest I could get to kissing her again. Grief makes you do some things that people who haven’t experienced it would see as strange. I remember talking to a friend at school about kissing her paci, and she looked at me like I was very strange. And I looked at her like she just didn’t get it because she didn’t have to carry such pain. It does get easier. Your sister will let you know she is still with you, and I can only explain it as you will feel her hugging your heart. The day will come. Stay strong. Talk with your other siblings if they are wanting to talk. And if you don’t feel comfortable talking with them, you have a sister who is in Heaven listening always. Talk to her. Mine gave me goosebumps when I would talk to her. That’s how I knew she was listening. You will feel happy again. As big sisters, we want our baby sisters to know that we will never forget them or ever leave them. They stay with us in our hearts. I used to think my heart hurt so much because she had to climb inside where I couldn’t see her anymore, but when I would think of her, I would feel her hugging my heart. And it was hard at first because I wanted to hug her back so much. Now I take the hug with a big smile on my face because she is reminding me that she is still watching. This past year has been a hard one. She would have turned 18. Moments when I find myself being sad at what we didn’t get to do together, I then talk to her about what I think it would be like. I joke about things and how much of an overprotective big sister I would have been. Many people who know me now, don’t realize I am a big sister. And that’s ok, because she knows I am. She is with you sweetheart. Give her time and she will show you that. You don’t have to say goodbye to her. I like to think of my sister as being like the wind. I can’t see it, but I can feel it… Just like I can’t see her but I can feel her. It gets better. I promise with all my heart, it gets easier and better. And no matter what any of your classmates might say, she is still your sister. Ignore the kids who just don’t understand. It’s not their fault they don’t know. And it’s not your fault that you do.

  164. Debbie  May 2, 2019 at 6:33 am Reply

    I miss him.

    I should have spoken to him more often.

    I feel so much guilt.

    I hope he knows I loved him and continue to do so with every breathing moment.

    • Paul  May 3, 2019 at 7:51 pm Reply

      Exact same feelings. I still miss my brother.

    • Michelle  May 14, 2019 at 11:22 pm Reply

      He knows. He’s still in your heart like he was before he died. Dearh didn’t break that bond. My sister died 8/31/2016 and is still in my heart. I’ve heard that writing letters is effective.

  165. Dawne  April 26, 2019 at 8:04 pm Reply

    My sister passed away May 23, 2017. My mother had 5 children within 6 years. My sister was the oldest of the five and she died at the age of 54 of a heart attack. On our side of the family, she leaves behind a spouse, they were married for ~30 years, 5 children, 4 girls and a boys, 1 grandchild, twins on the way, her mother, 2 sisters, 2 brothers, 2 nieces, 4 nephews and several relatives on both sides of the family.

    The most difficult thing about her death at this moment for me, is that there is not a lot of communication between my sister’s children, her spouse between my mother, my siblings and me.

    I lost a sister, my kids lost their aunt, my mother lost her daughter, my brother-in-law lost his wife and so on.

    In my mind, I thought we were close as family. I thought my sister’s children would reach out to me for comfort, share their grief with me, tell me stories of my sister that would comfort me. Everyone grieves differently, that is for sure.

    We got together for holidays, my sister and her husband and children, we would call each other on our birthdays, holidays etc. My mother is saddened, because she did not receive calls on her birthday from all her grandchildren or family members. Are we all too busy to communicate with one another. Is it grief that draws us further apart from one another.

    My mom was always there for all of us. I miss the closeness. I see and feel time passing me by, and becoming further from family than ever before. This article has explained a lot of why this is happening. The dynamics of all changed. My sister used to run the “show” she was the captain of the ship. She is gone. I pray that we will all be connected once again, but also know we will all be together again some day.

    I miss my sister terribly, she was my life line, my children’s life line, he loss is felt even more so by the woman who gave birth to her.

  166. Shelley  April 14, 2019 at 9:39 pm Reply

    Wow. I always felt alone. I lost my mom and dad by the age of 21,within 2 years, but losing both sisters was so completely different. I thought was alone in my feelings that I had. I became a different person when my sisters died. I wish I could be the happier version of myself, but the reality of life, the innocence of youth was lost when my oldest sister died. I had remorse, I had guilt and even now, almost 20 years later, I would give anything just to see or hear her. She was my best friend, my everything and I realized I am not alone in this depth of despair and grief. Thank you to all who share their stories and thoughts. I realize I am not alone in this battle with loss. We hide it everyday because no one understands and no one can understand the loss we have endured. May we all find something to remind us of who we were, who we will never be again and who we must attain to be years later. Even if it doesnt fit the narrative of what others expect. Somehow we can overcome the grief. Somehow.

  167. Daniel  April 12, 2019 at 11:43 pm Reply

    Man… I don’t even know where to begin. I just lost my older brother, John, (37 years old) on Friday, March 30th, 2019 but he was taken off the respirator a couple days later on April 2nd… It was a very tragic and sudden event and I’m at a complete loss of words and don’t even know exactly how the events unfolded completely as I’m hearing it all 2nd hand b/c I live in another city. John was the most courageous person you could ever meet. One of those tough as nails guys on the outside – a former 173rd Army Airborne (1 of 2 Airborne units in the Army, the other being the 82nd Airborne) soldier that fought in Iraq and saw some pretty crazy stuff to put it succinctly to people who don’t have relatives in the military. He came back with PTSD and some substance abuse and unfortunately there isn’t a whole lot of help for military members suffering issues/injuries that aren’t as visible. He was also one of the kindest, caring people you’d ever meet; completely unselfish and willing to give you the shirt off his back if you needed it – completely fearless as well. Just to give you an idea, he reached a high degree in Judo and one time in high school someone came at him with a K-bar knife and he neutralized him swiftly using a Judo throw that he learned when we lived in Japan where my dad was stationed for the Marines; but hated to hurt people even if they were threatening him – that’s just the type of person John was and now I don’t have him. I feel completely at fault – I hate myself so much – I’m extremely angry at God and myself and my family for not more readily recognizing the signs. One thing that really irks me is that he was sent to the ER room 3 months prior for a similar incident but the next of kin wasn’t notified – which I’m still unable to answer as to why as I thought it was required by law to notify next of kin? The event that happened 3 months ago; he was revived and became conscious and supposedly told the hospital not to contact my parents but I thought it was required… I guess not. I’m angry about it as that could have been a ‘signal’ to us all slapping myself and my family in the face to wake the hell up and get him some serious help instead of just rolling with the punches and assuming things will be fine – no they weren’t and I’m upset at myself the most about it. I’m also angry with the handling of his final moments. The paramedics did a terrific job getting his heart beating again – knowing the warrior John is he was stabilized but considered brain dead as he was found without breathing for up to 12 minutes so the damage to the brain was just too much – how can the person (his so called girlfriend) have been with him but not know he wasn’t breathing for 12 minutes? I have so many unanswered questions and am upset he wasn’t given a few more days (at least a week minimum) on the respirator just in case a miracle were to occur as there are several cases of people being declared brain dead who have made full recoveries. The hospital system works in an surprising way that I didn’t know until now. The team that works on reviving you is different than the team that declares brain death and subsequently organ donation. There are incentives for the 2nd team that declares brain death to quicken the process of organ donation as they’re telling potential receivers that there “may be an organ available”… Well when they say this quote, this means they have someone on a respirator and they’re just trying to convince the parents to stop the respirator so that they can “legally” take the organs after the heart stops beating b/c otherwise it would be a homicide.. I get it, they want to save other lives – but this is MY BROTHER, they’re HIS organs. HE HAS NO OBLIGATIONS TO ANYONE ELSE. I didn’t like being made to feel like cattle prodded along b/c of the entrenched interests of the donor team that doesn’t care 1 iota about my older brother. Disturbing way to handle someone’s final moments when science doesn’t even understand a millionth of a percent of human consciousness or where the soul goes on a subatomic level when in moments of comas or brain trauma. There are cases of people being declared dead (boy in Alabama) and other cases of people officially flatlining on a heart monitor who came back to life – She (Kim Clark) described she saw their body on the operating table, looking at the team of doctors and nurses and then their soul rising to the top of the hospital and seeing a blue shoe at the top. Then when they came back to life she told the attending nurse of the shoe that was found exactly where they saw it, on the 3rd floor ledge. You can watch that on youtube here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WPXK2Ls-xzQ … my point of saying all of that is that even though to our eye they look like they may be not with us or in a coma , their soul, their consciousness, is very much alive…. this is what I believe is spoken of in the New Testament that can not be destroyed.

    Regardless, I just wish John was given a week minimum. It’s difficult for me but ultimately even though I’m in the beginning stages of healing and am angry at God, I have to trust God is doing the right thing and that John is in a better place where his warrior spirit is running free…. Please pray for me and my family.

    • Elyse  April 13, 2019 at 5:15 am Reply

      First, I am so sorry for your loss, what a horrible experiences you have had. I really feel for you. I am to interested in whether the hospital has to contact the next of kin. My brother passed a couple of days ago, we don’t know exactly when as he was found asleep. My brother had many admissions to hospital and non of the family were notified, I feel so sad because of we were notified we might have been able to help. I am really sorry for your loss. What a tragedy.

      • Daniel  April 15, 2019 at 10:32 am

        Thank you Elyse for your kind words as I’m sorry for your loss as well. I really wish there were some kind of law requiring next of kin to at least be notified. It just doesn’t make sense as the hospital knows whatever brought them there is serious enough for loved ones to know in order to prevent it from happening again. I get that they’re trying to privacy but when a family member is at risk they may not be quantifying that risk properly and it needs attention and care to be identified and dealt with properly – at least given the chance to do so. I hope the days to come bring a new understanding about life to us and everyone here – it’s never easy going through something alone and I am thankful for this website and for everyone sharing their thoughts. May peace be with you.

    • Kim  July 6, 2019 at 7:12 pm Reply

      Daniel, I know exactly what you’re talking about…the anger at God, the anger of not being there to help. My sister died of a massive heart attack. According to the coroner, she was dead within seconds. No one was home. Her 11 year old daughter found her. I’ve been a Christian all my life. My dad is a retired pastor; I’m married to a pastor. But I can honestly say, this is the single most hardest thing I have ever experienced.

      I blamed myself for her death (that’s a whole other long story). My mother passed when I was 15, my dad kinda lost his way during that time and my sister and I were pretty much left to take care of each other. Then, I lost my grandmother and now sister within a year of each other. I refused to pray. The only reason I went to church was because it was expected of me. I wouldn’t sing or bow my head to pray. I was hollow (still am in a lot of ways). I was having panic attacks and meltdowns on my kids. I’m still a mess, but I finally prayed…just this week actually. And I can’t explain the peace.

      I’m still having my meltdowns and panic attacks, but I know I’m not alone. Anyway!!! I say ALL this to say that I draw comfort from Psalm 139:16. God knew before we were born when we were going to die. I still miss her terribly. I want to hear her laugh, see her getting to my house late (as she always did), go to concerts together, share secrets with her. But in it all, I’m comforted in knowing that God knew when he was going to take her home. I hope this doesn’t upset you. I’m just determined to try and help others and accept help myself. Because honestly, it’s the only way I feel like I will survive this. Praying for you and your family.

  168. Miranda  April 10, 2019 at 3:23 am Reply

    I lost my little sister at 21 on the 16th of March this year. She would be 22 on the 12th of April (this Friday.) We learned 6 years ago that she had been suffering from seizures in her frontal lobe when she had a grand mal seizure on the school bus. Only having 3 total ones in her life we thought the medication was working and we didn’t think much more about it. She had just started her first job and though she hated it, she loved making money. We were best friends only being 3 years her senior we have always done everything together. My mom and I found her in the morning trying to wake her for work… she never woke up. She had a seizure in her sleep. We learned later that day she had been forgetting to take her pills. The pills she was afraid not to take, she would come home from work so tired and fall asleep on the couch and forget them. I can’t help but be so angry at her, why didn’t she ask for help remembering to take them. Why didn’t we notice the bottle and that she wasn’t taking them. It hurts so bad that I lost my best friend! We were just planning a trip to Africa in a year. Now my mom and I are going with out her,,, and are ganna spread her ashes in the land she loved so much with out ever going…

  169. Megan McGrath  April 8, 2019 at 5:33 pm Reply

    It’s been just over 3 months since my younger brother Matthew died on January 1, 2019, he was 22. I’m older than him by 9 years (31) and 6 years older than our sister (she’s 25), so I always felt like I had to be their protector because I’m older.
    He was camping with friends and got separated from the group while riding ATVs (4Wheelers) and when trying to make his way back to their campsite his 4wheeler hit a ditch filled with water on the side of the road and flipped on top of him, pinned him underneath and he drowned.
    I’m struggling with the thought of having to attend a New Year’s Eve & New Year’s Day celebration this year and the years to come, as they will always be the anniversary of his death.
    And I know that life moves on, but I’m still at the point where every day I think of “what might have been” and the things my sister and I will both miss out on without him in our lives anymore.

  170. Soph  April 8, 2019 at 12:18 pm Reply

    I lost my brother in June 2018. With work and everything else going on, I’ve been in survival mode ever since. The shock is finally going away. I feel so angry, guilt, sad, and frustrated at the same time. I try so hard to shield my mother from how I feel and only tend to her needs. When does this feeling go away? Does it ever go away?

  171. Ren  April 6, 2019 at 4:41 am Reply

    I lost my sister a yr ago today to ARDS @ 340p!
    We were very close! I haven’t been able to deal with it fully! A part of me died as she took her last breath! I miss her TREMENDOUSLY!!
    After our mother died in 03 to ALS, SHE WAS THE GLUE THAT HELD OUR FAMILY TOGETHER!
    I WISH I IT HADN’T BEEN HER THAT DIED THAT DAY!
    SHE WAS MY BEST FRIEND, MY STRENGTH, MY LIGHT, MY EVERYTHING!
    I miss u T!

  172. Sabrina  April 1, 2019 at 2:52 pm Reply

    Last night i figured out that My mom had lost out baby that was still in the womb. I am only 13 years old and experiencing this is really hard for me. I have been very depressed lately and did not want to wake up for school. My mom had a doctors appointment today and they confirmed that the baby is gone. My mom and I are really sad because I am the only child in the family and we were very happy to find out that she was pregnant.When the baby passed my mom was only 6 weeks pregnant. If you have anyway to make this work please E-mail me.

    • Annalisa  May 14, 2019 at 3:40 pm Reply

      Wow, that’s crazy. Im 13 almost 14 and my mom lost my baby sibling who was still in the womb 3 weeks ago. I know exactly how you feel. I had wanted another sibling for years and when I finally had another sibling, they were taken from me. Its so hard.

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  173. ks  March 27, 2019 at 10:28 pm Reply

    Its been a year, today, since she died and I am still unable to accept it. I am angry more then anything, at God, at her, her husband, life. Its a big old mess. I thought this would break me but it hasn’t. I don’t know what will, maybe I am broken but unable to see it. I have felt broken before and you just continue, resign yourself to the pain, mistrust. I think I thought this loss would be different, too much.I don’t know how I feel honestly, or what to show to others. Showing strength isn’t always the best- it’s okay to feel shaken and want to be held. I am who i am and no one is going to tell me how to feel, judge me, call me selfish right now- not even my family, friends. I feel I am wearing a mask and holding so much already in, so if I crack a little it’s alright. I’m not superwomen. I can’t explain my emotions or calm them down. I think I could fill a while notebook trying to explain this heartache I feel. Anyways, it’s come and past and it has to be acknowledged. I am not grieving too much- something profound and life altering happened- and you can’t put that behind you. Its something we will have to learn to live with everyday.

  174. ks  March 25, 2019 at 8:38 pm Reply

    In 2 days it’ll be a year my oldest sister will have passed away. She was only 37 and died of cancer throughout her body. It happened fast, or rather- was ignored and then happened fast after she couldn’t ignore it anymore. I am struggling. I don’t seem to be grieving the same as my family. Every month has been hard, lots of crying. I can’t get over how fast everything changed and yet nothing changed- life goes on, and I don’t understand that… Why did this happen?! I’ve lost a lot of people, and I wasn’t even close to this sister- but she was My sister! She wasn’t just anyone, she was someone who knew me since childhood. I am still struggling to process the timeline, the last months she had, the details that bring anger and bitterness. Mostly just the fact that she is permanetly gone and I’ll never get that chance to be close to her. And she seemed okay with that. I am struggling not to talk about her too much but also to not let myself talk at all. People act like it didn’t even happen- they did 2 months after! I am okay, I will be fine- but I don’t think I’ll ever be the same Again, my family won’t quite recover. Its too much baggage. Right now I seem better then I have any of the previous months, but it’ll hit me. I am afraid of how I’ll be when it does.

    • Marlene  May 27, 2019 at 3:07 pm Reply

      Reading your post I relate so much. My brother, 42 was diagnosed 17 months ago with advanced colorectal cancer. And as it happened with your sister it was ignored by him probably by at least a year or so. Everyday he is with us is a gift, right now his tx is palliative, due to the extension of the tumors is not curable. He is not coping well either and most of the time is in pain. As you I haven’t been close to him prior to dx because he didn’t wanted me to. I’m the youngest by 3 years and I work in healthcare so I have tried everything to keep him alive. I know the end can come in any moment and although I have been resilient till know and don’t know about tomorrow.

  175. Betty  March 22, 2019 at 2:54 pm Reply

    I’m going too kill myself when my older Sibling did this to me now. She’s been bulling us to long that Her Lawyeers take Her side . So I’m going to kill myself to make it better for her. She’s been abusing by taken Her Alzimer Parents Money to bias a big House & a big bran new big car wow it’s big. All from Her Parents Money not her own. She didn’t have a job.

    • Paula  May 9, 2019 at 4:31 pm Reply

      Betty, please do not kill yourself!! Your life is precious! Please get help with your feelings from a counselor and also maybe a pastor who is good at counseling. Suicide is never the answer. You can get help to rise above the difficult situation. Even though it can feel differently sometimes, there are people who care, and Jesus cares. He experienced sorrow and betrayal, and he cares. You can talk to him, too. I hope the best for you.

  176. Tressa McAndrew  March 20, 2019 at 3:51 pm Reply

    Fade to black, this is me now. A mere shell, a ghost. My beloved Sister, Tracy, is now gone. She had a cardiac arrest, brought on by severe allergic reaction at 58. Her sick lungs not able to breathe. She survived a week onlife support, in a coma. I held her hand till it was ice cold. I am devastated. It’s been almost a year.
    She was taking care of my elderly Mother. She neglected herself to her own death. She was my Sun and my moon. My Family was dysfunctional before her death, now , I fear it it is beyond repair. They expected me to be her, to take the whole enchilada on of caring for my Mom, without my input or feelings. There is much more to this story.
    I knew my Sister was struggling with my Mom’s care, and I gave her little to no help. My reasons, my own. I knew of her unhappiness . I feel ashamed. We hadn’t spoken in months, I was hiking the Pacific Crest Trail. My grief now all consuming. My husbands patience waining. Why can’t you snap out of it? Booze numbs the pain temporarily. Then it returns with a vengeance, taking my to the dark side. I cannot taste my food. I do not want to get out of bed. My adult children cannot understand, at all. I am angry at everything and everyone. I cannot move forward.
    No one understands how I feel, only Tracy could and did. She was my best friend, my Sister, my keeper, my Mother, my ass kicker, my world , my everything. She was the family glue. The only comfort I have, is that she is free. When I think of her now, it is as a Wild Horse, running free. I miss her with every breath I take, and will, until I breathe no more.
    Thank You for listening. ?

    • We are a small family and I feel so alone now in the world nobody knows me like she did anyway I just want to say that everything you said resonated with me so much thank you  March 21, 2019 at 9:00 pm Reply

      Hi
      Your comment touched me so much. I lost my oldest sister a month ago. She was also caring for my sick mother. She was the glue. She was my best friend. She was divorced and I never married. Being the free spirited artist that I am never wanted to be tied down. I’m 55 and she was 57 were so close she died waiting for an organ transplant. We are a small family and I feel so alone now in the world nobody knows me like she did anyway I just want to say that everything you said resonated with me so much thank you

  177. MARLA NICOLETTI  March 7, 2019 at 8:27 pm Reply

    I just lost my brother to a Heart Attack yesterday afternoon. He was only 53 years old and it was a shocked to all in the family. I am grieving extremely hard. Everything that is listed on the home page is all true tohow I am feeling. See on March 1st my brother was in a bad car accident the resulted in his vehicle rolling over and now it is totaled. At the time of the accident, we were unsure as to how it came about, while in the hospital we found out it was his heart that was bad. My brother is very stubborn, he is married to a woman who has been hateful to my family for years. My brother waited on her hand and foot, never was concerned about his health always hers. I wanted him to stay in the hospital to get better, he insisted on going home to take care of his wife( who is a double amputee), now because of all this my brother is no longer with us because of her selfishness. I have offered to help her in anyway I am able to do, but she and her daughter ( my brother’s step daughter)has refused help and basically has not called about anything. I am upset that I may not hear anything and that my mother and me and family will be left out. Right now, I have so many unanswered feeling, regrets, loneliness, etc.

    • Melissa  March 30, 2020 at 9:07 pm Reply

      You may be left with unanswered questions. How ever I know for a fact that no one denied any help that you offered. Yes he had heart condition that no one knew about till the accident. I’m the DAUGHTER in our home we did not use step. When I called to tell you that the ambulance was called again to the house the day he passed you said “what the hell you want me to do” . He took care of his wife like another spouse would care for a loved one. And then you impersonated my husband wife on the phone to his work to try and get his life insurance policy. Then when you found out that his wife chose to have him cremated. You decided to call me every name possible (I will forgive because we all were very upsetandgrieving)and to tell me that you wished my mother died instead of my dad (which I will never forgive or forget). So please prior to posting make sure everything is correct.

  178. Ashlea  March 3, 2019 at 1:19 am Reply

    This article is one of the only relevant things I can even find. Thankyou
    I am 24 yo Ashlea. Oldest girl sibling of 4. Parents Sharon&jon still married 27 years later. Very very close knit hard working family.
    On the 7th of January my baby sister Leah only 19 was on her way to work as she did multiple times a week. A farmer had illegally left mud all over the country road that she often used. She suddenly twitched and fishtailed in the mud. Her dash camera footage shows her in control and then her fiat 500 traction control took over and launched her in to the path of an oncoming transit van. Passenger side impact, her car looked like it was hit by a train. Only one of her passenger airbags went off, even with the force of the impact. If her curtain airbags had gone off she would still be alive. How ridiculous that the car doesn’t think to protect the driver, who will evidently be thrown towards her window and hit her head so hard she had brain bleed and a skull fractures. Her bleed was minor and she could have recovered if not for an air embolism which caused a stroke. She was pronounced dead at the scene. The ambulance took 30 minutes to get to her, she didn’t stand a chance. The road had been reported multiple times that morning. They had 3 hours prior to this accident to close the road and they ignored pleas from public that the road was lethal?
    I keep replaying in my mind getting a phone call from my 21yo brother josh. He was home alone at the time as he was on a break from university when police knocked on the door, and told him he needed to contact everyone and get them here ASAP. On the phone I was desperate to know because I had to know.
    When I said.. is it Leah. He said yes. I said is she alive? And josh said no. I erupted in to screaming and choking and actually threw up twice. I was at my boyfriends house when I found out, most of the day is a blur but not that phone call. It keeps haunting me over and over again. When I arrived my mom had just gotten home from work. She already knew in her gut what was going to be said to her but she broke down. My dad took another hour to arrive as he drives all over for his job. He was my first guess for why the police were there.. evidently not.
    We kept my littlest sister Emily, 17 at the time. In the dark as long as possible, she has autism and she was at college. I was supposed to pick her up but I couldn’t. She loved Leah so much, as did I. Leah was both of our best friends, being the middle child she always bridged the age gap between me and Emily and we had such a laugh together all the time.
    She was the glitter and the glue, the life and soul of the 6 of us. We would always have fun if Leah was there. Everything feels flat and boring, we are missing the very heart of our family. She was my angel and probably the closest person in the whole world to me. I am completely destroyed and broken.
    I don’t know what to do with myself, I don’t know what is normal anymore. It has barely been 2 months but it feels like yesterday still.
    I cannot get the sounds of my mom screaming when she and my dad went in the room to identify her body. I really wanted to go in but I wasn’t strong enough. She wasn’t in a good way, she was left as she was on the road because it was a crime scene. She belonged to the corroner. They were not considerate of us at all. I said to myself I will see her in the chapel of rest.
    When we did see her, she looked nothing like herself and I will regret not seeing her before that. I can’t un see her in that coffin. I don’t think il ever be able to view anyone else again. We even took Leah’s dog to see her, a little girl shihtzu called coco. She was Leah’s baby and she is missing her terribly. We can tell that she is pining for her. I really understand true heartbreak.
    My parents wanted to see everything, her car. The dash cam footage. I couldn’t bring myself to see either of those things. I later saw photos of the car but not in the flesh. It was covered in blood everywhere and it was half a car. We are lead to believe the other driver wasn’t speeding but I can’t believe that given the damage. Leah was going at least 25mph below the limit for the road due to mud. Pretty slow when she could have done 60.
    Now we have to wait months for an inquest. We can’t even register her death properly until then.
    Permanent limbo.
    Youngest sister turned 18 on the 23rd of January. We had all been waiting for Emily to be legal drinking age in the UK so we could go out together. We didn’t even get to do that together. Her birthday was a sad and ruined day of watching Netflix, crying and passing out on the sofas.
    Leah’s birthday is in a few days time, she should have been 20 on the 9th of March. No one should die a teenager. To make matters worse my brother josh is 22 on the 11th of March. His birthday will also suck because even though they were 2 years apart they always celebrated their birthday together because they were 2 days apart. Everything is ruined and I can’t imagine anything ever being okay again.
    We will probably visit a reputable Spirit medium to see if we can speak to her.
    I can’t imagine why sibling grief is overshadowed. Yes my parents are utterly destroyed. My mom can’t sleep and cries multiple times a day, sometimes all day, my dad is drinking and sitting at his computer all night looking for other crashes in fiat 500’s. Obsessing and researching.
    I almost forgot to mention the love of my sisters life Jareth. She lived with him and she worked near where he lived. They were meant to be, they were saving up for a house together and he adored her. He treated her like a queen. I couldn’t have picked a better person to love her. I fear he might not want to keep in touch with us eventually because it will be too painful but he would help us stay connected to her. We need him right now.
    To make matters even worse, jareths parents had a serious accident 10 years ago. On the very same road! It is an accident black spot! This left his mom with a broken back and she is unable to walk properly or move even to this day. His childhood was ruined already by his mom being disabled. She was in a coma for months as well. And then he looses his true love on the same road. I am worried about him so much.
    I know I have written a lot, people might not even read this but it helps me to get it all out and tell the story. Utterly tragic and I can’t believe that it’s happening to me. She was supposed to be with me when we are old. I needed her to be my bridesmaid, and me hers. I needed to hold her hand when I give birth, and hold her hand when she had her babies that she had already chosen names for.
    I am so angry that this has happened, if that farmer had cleaned his shit up then she would be alive.
    He will be prosecuted. And sued. This will do nothing for us except give us the satisfaction that someone is at fault.
    I struggle to sleep over it all. It’s 6:11 am and I haven’t slept yet. I have good dreams of her, then I have nightmares of her. I have grabbed a bottle of water while I was asleep and poured it over myself. I did not wake. Only later on when I woke and realised I was soaked and actually did soak myself. And it wasn’t a dream that I did it.
    I grabbed a carton of milk which was for my dog, next to me. Full of doggie vitamins, and I drank it in my sleep. I woke up and the carton was empty. I don’t know why my subconscious has a fascination with the liquids that I keep next to my bed.
    I’m worried I may try to drink something more harmful while I sleep. I have moved the mouthwash and the makeup cleansing water. Just in case..
    just don’t know how I will go on with the rest of my life without her. She was literally everything to me, I spoke to her every day. I have lost my best friend, one of the people I loved most in the world. Precious and irreplaceable. Beautiful angel. She was amazingly talented with makeup and had her own YouTube channel and lots of followers on Instagram. Lots of friends. Her funeral was bursting at the doors, everyone she met loved her. She made everyone’s day better and was truly a good person. I don’t believe in god but I hope with all my heart that she is still there and I will see her again. The alternative is too painful to contemplate.
    Thankyou to anyone who read this, and also sorry because like me you wouldn’t be here unless you had also lost a sibling too soon. ?

    • Kai  March 6, 2019 at 2:29 pm Reply

      I am so, profoundly sorry for your loss. I know that there will always be a before, and an after, and that life will always be a bit diminished in the after. I know that the future without her is devastating to consider. I know that the present is almost physically unbearable. Someone told me that grief is something like a box with a buzzer attached to the inside…when it is fresh, the ball is large and fills the box, and the buzzer (the anguish) is pressed constantly. Over time, the ball becomes smaller and smaller, but still moves about the box randomly and hits the buzzer at random times ( a song, a smell, a memory that comes out of nowhere, a milestone in life without your loved one). I think this is true. That is what makes this survivable. Please remember that the ball is shrinking, but never your love or your memories. I hope that you will cling to one another and hold one another up, until it’s easier to float on the surface. You don’t have to do anything right, you just need to survive this. For her. So much love to you and your family, you all sound like beautiful people.

  179. Marla Caver  February 27, 2019 at 9:05 pm Reply

    I lost my sister on March 9, 2016. She was hit head on in traffic and killed instantly. Not a day goes by that I do not think of her and that very tragic day. I had to tell my mother and my children. While I have found happiness and am learning to live a life without her, the heart ache never leaves me. There is a void that will never go away. I have learned that there is a fine line between faith and understanding. I will never understand why my sister was not granted surviving that accident, but I trust God will be glorified daily from the seeds that she planted while on this earth. I have no doubt where her spirit is at this very moment and it is that faith that has allowed me to go on and learn to live a life with out her presence. I miss her laugh and random phone calls so much. I want so badly to dream of her, but for some reason my mind will not allow me to do that. I do not know if anyone else does that, but that is a real issue for me. If I could dream of her, I could hear her voice, her laugh and her wit!!!!

    We planned on how we would take care of our parents, what we would do if something happened to my husband, but I never planned a life without her. Yes, the dynamics of my life changed on March 9,2016. My faith was tested and I truly understand how depression feels. I learned that the death of a sibling leaves you feeling very empty. Sometimes you feel really guilty. There are many reason that make you feel guilty. I really depends on how long you have been grieving, the time of the year, and your season of life. I cried so much for the first 6 months that I didn’t think I had any more tears. Eventually, I quit crying every day, but I still shed tears. I may be watching a movie and it hits me. I may be driving and it hits me. I go through her journals and I shed a tear.

    Thank you for allowing me to post my scattered thoughts and real pain. I miss my sister so much! She was my true friend and an amazing woman! I thank God that I had the time with her that I did; and I thank Him for the counseling and witnessing she gives me from the life she lived and journaled. While I do pray for myself and my family daily, I will be praying for those that find this page.

  180. AJ  February 27, 2019 at 9:00 am Reply

    This article has helped me tremendously and I can’t wait to read it over and over again. I feel for each and every story of loss written in the comments and pray that healing finds your hearts and you grieve. When I was 5 (36 years ago), my brother was killed in a car accident-he was 18. He was my best friend. He loved me so much. But I have just begun grieving his death as of this past weekend. At the time of his death, I cried in a bush for a few minutes, wiped away the tears and became the strength my family needed. I immediately accepted he was gone and that my life would never be the same, but my 5 year old mind went into action believing that I needed to be a support system and/or just take care of myself–I didn’t want to be a burden. My parents weren’t much help because they were grieving. I remember sitting on a chair by myself while everyone was whirring around the room tending to my grieving mother and grandmother. My dad was busy accepting guests and there I was, sad, but not able to show it. Throughout my life I had underlying anger and resentment because I felt like, I’m here, why do you have to talk about him. When people called me an only child, I let them because if my mom was around she’d say, No, she’s not, she had a brother but he was killed in a car accident which would take the attention off of me. But, this past weekend, I had my heart broken by a man I was falling in love with, and I realized in a peaceful moment after he relayed to me that we will just be friends, that I MISS MY BROTHER. Immediately, I realized that I never allowed myself to grieve. My heart was broken wide open in that moment and it felt so good and terrible at the same time to cry my eyeballs out because his love for me was perfect. I’ve been looking for that type of love since I was 5 and no one has come close. So, even though it’s 36 years later, the wound is fresh and I’m processing all of this emotion. What’s amazing is that the day after this revelation, a friend of mine asked me if I was the only child and I PROUDLY stated, No, I had a wonderful brother but he was killed in a car accident when I was five. That is the first time I acknowledged him in that way without hesitation. I’m proud to be his sister and his perfect love lives on in me. Now, that I’m working on myself (self-love), I know the love I desire from a significant other is soon to follow. And, if it isn’t I know that my brother’s love resides in my heart and is an irreplaceable gift!

    • Elizabeth Nelson  July 15, 2019 at 12:57 am Reply

      I kind of understand. My brother died 28 years ago in a car accident when he was 19 and I was 14. I always thought there was something wrong with me bc I still miss him. He was an athlete, attractive, funny, charismatic and popular. He could have cared less about the popularity. He was confident and didn’t seem to care what people thought of him. Opposite of me. He drove me nuts but would beat up anyone who bothered me. I overheard someone ask my mom after it happened how I was doing.
      My mom said I was doing ok. Not even close. I’m still dealing with the grief. A couple years ago I realized that I hadn’t really dealt with it. I tried to take care of my parent’s bc I wanted to make up for his death. I tried to follow in his footsteps. But I’m not my brother. I’m not as good as him and I never will be. Survivor’s guilt, 28 years later. I’m sorry for your loss and for what you have been dealing with. I pray you find peace. Take care.

      • Nate  November 23, 2019 at 6:11 am

        I was 15 when my 19 year old only brother died instantly after missing a curve on a random road. We never got along growing up and he constantly pestered me and I hated him for it. He’d been out of the house for over a year and I’d not seen him or spoken to him in almost that much time. I don’t have any memory of what our last conversation even was. It completely ruined my parents, who went on to divorce bitterly and will never speak to each other again. I’ll be 39 in a few months and I’ve started to realize how incredibly angry I still am at every single one of the hundreds of adults who had found out about his death hours before me and swarmed our house. After being pulled out of class in a shocking manner to be called to the principals office and find my father there in hysterics with the news, I couldn’t wait to get to the safety and privacy of my home. As the complete stranger driving my father and I home turned the corner on our street and I saw our large yard filled with scores of cars I couldn’t effing believe it. I know they were in shock too, and some of them did try and interact with me but I went right back to school the very next day to escape the absolute circus my house had
        turned into. All the adults had completely lost their minds and I felt like I was the only sane person left in the world. Over 200 flower arrangements were delivered to our 1700sq ft house in the first 24 hours. We had a stock hundreds of 2 liter bottles of soda people had dropped off that lasted for YEARS after he died. It’s been 24 years and I’ve just realized I’ll never forgive them for allowing me to be one of the last to be informed and invading my home while virtually ignoring me the entire time. I interact with very few of my family members very infrequently now. Lately my gut feeling is to estrange myself from my entire family by officially asking them to end all contact.

  181. Christine van Heerden  February 27, 2019 at 12:43 am Reply

    My brother tragically passed away on the 15 August 2018 in a helicopter accident. He was 33 years old, a Wildlife Veterinarian in South Africa. I was the one that had to tell my family, organize flights, deal with the finances and his estate. Words cannot describe the devastation. It feels as if we are left with a world of emptiness. I still dream that he’s alive. God has been with me every step of the way, but somehow I just keep wishing for him to come back. I just want everything to be like it was. My mom is a wreck and it’s killing me. The pilot survived but they have made no attempt to contact our family, we still don’t know what exactly happened. I was the only one in the family with whom my brother shared his deepest secrets, it just feels wrong. My sisters is the oldest, she struggled a lot in dealing with his death, but had the time to do so while I was keeping everything together. Sometimes it just feels like everyone is dumping everything on me because I know what to do and I want to help, it’s just too much. I feel like moving far away from everyone and forgetting it ever happened. My dad doesn’t talk about it anymore. My brother’s wife is also going through a rough time and my heart breaks for her. I’m trying to organize everything for her as well so that she doesn’t have to deal with that as well. I’m tired and sad and angry. And honestly I do wonder what God was thinking when he took my brother, I don’t quite see the purpose of His plan yet, although I know He is good and loves us dearly. I just wish my mom would get better maybe it would all be easier to deal with.

  182. Jade  February 26, 2019 at 8:23 pm Reply

    Hello & prayers to all mourning siblings. I lost my older brother Reed, age 54, on Monday January 14, 2019. He suffered a LAD heart attack while driving. He was courageous & strong and fought for his miracle for 10 days. I was utterly shattered, no living will at hand, and having to make the most difficult decision on his behalf. Reed was a free spirit, gregarious, funny man and lying in a bed, unconscious for the remainder of his days would go against everything his life represented. So the hospital chaplin said an extended prayer, we sang, laughed, told stories leading to a final goodbye. He would depart on his own terms,proving the Doctor’s weren’t know it-alls by surviving another 81 hours when they estimated 30 minutes. I have been haunted by how his life ended, him lying there and all that entailed, and having to make decisions on his behalf. I cannot seem to reach him by dreams, or feel him near wondering if he is angry at me. So this is just my story, a love for a brother taken too soon and too tragically.
    I pray for each of us to find comfort and loving hugs to embrace our pain.
    God Bless

  183. Michele  February 24, 2019 at 8:27 am Reply

    Hi, I was looking for a support group for losing my twin sister. Isaw this site & honestly hesitated to even type a word. I still struggle to even use the words loss or grieve. I’ve lost my everything, the other 1/2 of me. I’ve had not 1 person to say, “this is part of my support group “. I moved to a new area & into an apt. Complex, with great hope of finding just 1 person to call “friend” & I haven’t succeeded yet. I’m very friendly & outgoing, yet (tbh) very frustrated & tired of being alone, so after some time, i started looking to find a group of people that can relate. I’ve read some of your stories on here, each 1 breaks my heart, but it’s nice to see support & kind words shared. My life has changed in every single part. I know the 3 phrases that bring feelings of anger are, it’ll ” get better with time”, & ” I understand what your going through ” & the people that are not in my life now since that day, if I unfortunately run into 1 of them, I’ll get the ” so how ya doing”? I refrain from saying what I’m wanting to say. Thank you & God bless you all, Sincerely

    • Janet Lumb  March 18, 2019 at 1:37 pm Reply

      Hi Michele. I can relate to your loss of a twin as I lost my twin brother two weeks ago and literally feel as if a part of me has gone too. All of my life I was a protector of my sweet brother because he was intellectually disabled and I needed to make sure he was not bullied. To find him dead in his room two weeks ago will forever be marked on my heart. It was bad enough that God had to make his life more challenging than his twin but to take him earlier did not seem fair as well. He was a much happier person than I was despite his challenges. Please be strong and know there are others out there in the universe who know what you are feeling. No one can understand the bond of a twin and the thought you will not be seen as a single person leaves an emptiness inside. I have my doubts about God sometimes but need to believe my brother is being looked after somewhere just like your sister. Good luck on this journey going forward.

  184. MVenezia  February 17, 2019 at 11:28 am Reply

    Before my story I would like to thank everyone for sharing their’s! Your story has helped me and Thank You!
    My Eldest Sister Passed this Morning at 3am EST. We have 5 total siblings, 2 sisters and 3 brothers, I am the youngest Brother. My sister passed from a long cancer battle and is now not suffering. She is now the Sunshine upon my face that warms this dark day. She is the light to pull me through my many tears of restless agony of not visiting her prior to her death. I will wrestle with this forever. My relationship with the facts will be the foundation of my survival and knowing how strong our family is will build my peaceful temple of memories. May the coming days allow me to exist, function, create a lovely mosaic of thoughts. Cry on and remember we can only control what we can. I write this to pull myself up and be the best Father, Husband, Son and Brother I still need to be.

  185. Veronica Cole  February 10, 2019 at 1:06 pm Reply

    Thank you for this thoughtful piece. I endured the loss of two brothers, 3 months apart from accidents. Since I am a reader I attempted to find articles or books on sibling loss. I needed to identify with someone who had been down this path. Nothing – and I mean nothing. I came across two autobiographies which skimmed over sibling loss but lacking in the experience I needed to identify with and in that feel less alone.

    This prompted me to write about siblings deaths and how they impacted me. A professor at NYU read it and felt strongly about the need for this heartbreak to be circulated. She told me she submitted it to the Thanantology Association. Years later I was prompted to write about adult sibling loss. I have worked internationally as a psychotherapist serving the military. As a result I came in contact with many and began doing interviews with those enduring adult sibling loss. I am currently continuing with interviews for a book I feel is needed and wanted.

    I also offer workshops which have not been overflowing with participants but rich with connection. Articles like this help bring awareness to the heartache of sibling loss.

    • Bridget B  February 19, 2019 at 2:52 pm Reply

      Hi Veronica!

      My older brother died in October (I am 27, he was 29). I too have been searching for literature and have come up empty. Reading helps me understand things and I was hoping to find comfort in reading about someone else’s experience. Did you find any literature that you found helpful? I am obviously still very new to the grieving process and would love any input you have!

      Thanks,
      Bridget