Grieving the Death of a Sibling

As a general rule, we hesitate to write about different types of loss.  To clarify, I am not referring to types of grief, which we’ve written about extensively.  Instead, I am referring to loss in regards to the type of relationship, such as the death of a parent, spouse, child, and so on. Allow me to share two reasons for our hesitancy:

1. Although commonalities often exist amongst people who have experienced a certain type of loss, grief is as individual as the person experiencing it and their relationship with the person who died.  Although some people might be able to relate to aspects of another person’s grief, no one can completely understand how anyone else feels. On a whole, we recommend you learn what you can from your commonalities with other grievers, but take differences with a grain of salt.  And please, don’t try to compare.

2. For some types of loss, like the death of a spouse or child, an abundance of really great resources already exist. Not only that, but some of these resources are maintained and/or provided by people who can speak with greater authority on the subject than we possibly could.  We know when we’re not needed, people.

That being said, there are some types of loss where few good resources exist. The other day I asked our Facebook community to suggest resources for people who’ve experienced the death of a sibling.  Although some were able to make recommendations, many were quick to point out their struggle to find help and support for their loss.  One reader even said she dubbed herself the “forgotten mourner” after finding sibling grief was so often overlooked in the support world.  Now, we can’t have that!

Obviously, this is just a post and it doesn’t substitute for dedicated organizations, movements, or other types of support – but it’s a start. Whatever you are able to contribute to the conversation in the comments and on social media, please do. The more voices we have speaking on the subject, the more supported and cared for other grieving siblings will hopefully feel.

This post is long, but the last thing we want to do is create another resource that is overgeneralized and unhelpful. At the end of the post, we’ll link to a resource page with suggestions for locating support locally and online.  Got it? Good. Okay, let’s talk about some of the reasons why the death of a sibling (at any age) is really stinking hard.


Feelings and Emotions

grieving the death of a siblingYou may be experiencing grief over the death of your sibling if you feel any of the following –shock, numbness, sadness, despair, loneliness, isolation, difficulty concentrating, forgetfulness, irritability, anger, increased or decreased appetite, fatigue or sleeplessness, guilt, regret, depression, anxiety, crying, headaches, weakness, aches, pains, yearning, worry, frustration, detachment, isolation, questioning faith – to name a few.

Okay, so those things aren’t specific to sibling grief, however, the way they are experienced by someone grieving a brother or sister may be. For example:

You feel guilty because…

…you are the sibling that survived.

…you knew your sibling inside and out and yet you didn’t know about the struggles or hardships that led to their death.

…you weren’t able to protect them.

…there are things you wish you had said, but didn’t

You feel anxiety because…

…you know how fragile life is.

…you’re worried you may die in the same way as your sibling.

…you’re worried others in your family may die.

You feel lonely because…

…although you’re surrounded by people, you miss the one person who you could truly be yourself with.

I could go on, but the important thing is to understand that your feelings are unique and important. Good, bad, or anywhere in-between, your relationship with your brother or sister was different than anyone else’s and so you’ll experience hurdles, triggers, and hardships that others may not.

Your parents, siblings, and other family members may grieve in many of the same ways that you do, but in many ways, their grief may differ.  It’s important to remember this because misunderstandings can arise amongst family members when people react differently in response to a death.  It’s also important for people supporting bereaved siblings to keep this in mind so they can help validate and support the griever’s feelings and experiences.


Overshadowed Grief

This is just a guess, but I suspect a lack of sibling grief resources exists because sibling grief is often overshadowed. People simply cannot fathom the out-of-order-ness of a parent having to bury a child, so when this is the case their thoughts and concerns often immediately go to the parent’s grief. Parents themselves may not be able to effectively attend to their children’s grief and outside family and friends may be hesitant to step in and offer support or suggestions.  It might also be true that support and attention are first given to siblings who are younger or who are perceived to be more fragile. In a situation where any or all of these things are true, a grieving sibling may end up feeling as though other people’s grief is more important than their own.

This may be confounded by the fact that some people willingly allow their grief to go unnoticed by themselves or others. Raise your hand if you’re the sibling who feels like it’s your job to take care of and support the rest of the family.  After a death, some siblings might quickly step in to take care of their younger children and/or their parents because they feel it’s their role or duty. Sometimes this happens out of necessity, sometimes avoidance, sometimes expectation, and sometimes all of the above. It is important for all members of the family to recognize that no one’s grief should take complete precedence. Although family members might take turns supporting one another, at one point or another everyone’s grief deserves attention and needs to be attended to.

overshadowed grief


Changes in Family Dynamics and Support Systems

Families – functional or dysfunctional – often operate according to a set of norms, roles, traditions, and patterns. Each person has their place in the family system, so things can get thrown off balance when someone in the family dies. An important person is gone, and those who survive them are sometimes unable, unwilling, or disinterested in filling that person’s role(s) or carrying out traditions and patterns as they have in the past.

Shifting family dynamics can lead to the weakening of support systems. Parents and siblings who are grieving may be of less, little, or no help. If a person’s support system largely consists of family (which is often the case for children and teens), they may find they’re facing one of the hardest periods of their life without a safety net.

The support system may also be weakened if the person who died was an important source of support for surviving siblings. This may be true at any age, but if the death happens when the siblings are in older adulthood, the person who died may have been one of the surviving sibling’s few living family members

For all these reasons and others, it is common for people to have to reassess their support system in the wake of loss and to seek out additional help while coping with their grief.

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Comparisons and Expectations

You are special and you are wonderful (come on…you know you are). You have no one to live up to besides yourself, your goals, and your own potential.

Okay, I just wanted to say that as a reminder to anyone who feels like they’re living in the shadow of a deceased sibling. Feeling compared or overshadowed is common after the death of a sibling, and (although you may be hesitant to admit it) this experience can result in feelings of resentment or anger towards family and/or the person who died.

If this sounds like you, the first thing we recommend you do is to ask yourself, “Who is making me feel this way?”  If the answer is your parents or other family members, then the next thing you might do is try to communicate with your family about how you feel. This might seem like a scary task because you don’t want to rock the boat or make anyone feel worse in their grief. If this is the case, or if you think your concerns will fall on deaf ears, you might want to consider talking to a counselor about how to approach the situation or enlist the help of a family counselor to work with the family as a whole.

Now, you may find that you yourself are responsible for comparisons and expectations. This might happen for a number of reasons including insecurity, guilt, or the feeling that you need to pick up where your sibling left off.  If you think you might be the source of comparison, then some serious self-reflection is probably needed.

Acknowledging the truth of the situation is a good start, you’re in even better shape if you can identify why this is happening.  As you search for answers, you might find it’s helpful to spend time in reflection, to journal, or to talk to a trusted confidant, support group member(s), or counselor.


Missed Opportunities

When a person dies, you are not only robbed of their physical presence in the here and now, but you (and they) also lose the chance to spend your tomorrows together. Your life after their death becomes a filled with thoughts of “if only”, ” we would have”, and “I wish.”

This is obviously the case for missed opportunities in the future; the happy moments you wish you could have spent together like weddings, graduations, births, adventures, and family get-togethers. We talk a lot about how to handle these moments here and here and here. However, missed opportunities are also felt when people wish they could make up for all they didn’t do while the person was alive. For example, taking the chance to say “I love you”, “I’m sorry”, “I forgive you” and “I care”. 


You miss the hell out of them

Sibling relationships obviously vary in their degrees of closeness, love, and amicability.  Some siblings may be thick as thieves, others wonder whether they’re even really related.  Regardless, siblings are our ties to family bonds.  They have known us the longest. They understand our history and are the people with whom we have the longest running jokes.

They are our bridesmaids and our groomsmen. They are our children’s aunts and uncles.  They bail us out when we’re in trouble, they loan us money, and then we loan it back.  They are the most judgmental people we know.  They are the most accepting and loving people we know.  Siblings can never be replaced and when they are gone we miss the hell out of them.

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As promised, you can find help locating sibling grief support on this page. Please comment below and share your experience with the death of a sibling and/or recommended resources.

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April 10, 2018

283 responses on "Grieving the Death of a Sibling"

  1. I also lost my youngest brother suddenly when he was 27, I was 35. Over the past 3yrs I have learned a lot about myself and how to work through grief personally and with my husband and 2 daughters. I remember feeling like a shadow on the 2nd Mother’s day that passed, wanting my Mom to appreciate spending time with me- saying to myself “I am still alive, let me celebrate with you.” I also remember feeeling shocked one night waking from a nightmare where my surviving brother had died and I was terrified to be left alone without a sibling- a fear I had not had consciously to that point. Thank you for honoring this grieving process and the unique often overshadowed grief of a sibling loss; I especially resonated with the missing them paragraph. Keep talking everyone, much love.

  2. The only person who ever gave a S#!+ about me just died. Rest in peace mom. My dad left when i was a little kid, I have no brothers or sisters, I never married and have no children. My relationship with my mother was strained at best, she was physically and emotionally abusive most of my childhood but i just marked that up to her being a kid when she had a kid (me) she was 20 years old when I was born. I was put into the foster system when i was 13 for 3-4 years 4 different families. I didnt have any contact with my mother for 30 years until the last 7 years of her life when i moved in with her and her partner out of necessity. Now I am stuck here with her partner who doesnt like me but will allow me to stay here out of commitment to my mom (this will not last). I do not know what do.

  3. I lost my brother 3 years ago. He was my older brother, closest in age, with two other brothers much older. We fought, we got along, he was the only one of my brothers who was overprotective of me…he was also a recovering alcoholic when he passed. He had been clean about a year and was found with one puncture mark from heroin overdose. I practiced “tough love” with him in my own way: just disappeared him from my life. Didn’t pick up when he called collect from jail. Didn’t write letters back–even though sometimes I meant to. I had three young kids, newly married, living several states away, but I’d cut him out before that. Today I don’t know why. Today I know he was self-medicating for whatever mental illness comes out in your 20s. No matter what he was on, he never stole or treated us badly. He was kind and cried, full of shame a lot. He gave everyone whatever he had. He had a dog named “Chance” because he got my brother outside and active again and was his chance at a fresh life. He was always, always good. He was one of the people for whom the world was too much. His heart was too full of love, and ached too much with pain he couldn’t block out. I am the one ashamed, now, that I didn’t walk through his dark night with him.

  4. This article helped me more than words can say. My big brother, my only sibling, passed away suddenly two years ago at the age of 58. Since that day, I feel as though a piece of me is missing. I have a great circle of friends and extended family but often find myself dreading spending time with my friends or cousins and their siblings. I suppose that is another layer to the guilt. The guilt over feeling resentment toward people enjoying time with and even arguing with their siblings.
    I recently lost my Mom and although I didn’t think it was possible, I miss my brother even more now. As hard as it is to lose my Mom, I knew she wasn’t going to live forever and I know I was blessed to have her as long as I did even though it never would have been long enough. However, when my Mom was gone, I was supposed to have my brother.
    I am aware that I was also blessed to have a brother that I loved and liked enough to miss and grieve for this deeply and on good days I can actually feel badly for people who have siblings that cannot fathom missing them. Anyone who believes that their is an expiration date to grief has never lost a piece of their heart and soul.

  5. I lost my baby sister alostv9 months ago on July 30th, 2017. She took her own life and I know I will never get over it. She was 26 years old. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about her and miss her. I recently found out that she won an award for her work with the local youth, I can’t label all the emotions that I felt since the announcement. I appreciate this article, I knew I was the only one out there dealing with this type of grief but this is another good reminder.

  6. I lost my baby sister March 20, 2018, she was only 49 Years old. She had knee infections over 2 Years and was on antibiotics so many different times. Cuz of that she had got another different infection in her stomach called C-Diff and within having c-diff for only 3 month it slowly took her life. She wasn’t just my sister she was also my best friend. We would always talk to each other every day and now I feel that it’s was tooken away from me. Love and miss you my baby sister so much

  7. My little sister age 19 died in a fatal car accident due to speeding and not wearing a seatbelt. I am. 8yrs older than her bit she was my light. We bonding because our older sister was bossy. I miss her beyond words and I don’t know how to deal with this pain. I feel like a peice of me is missing.

  8. I was 11 he was 21 my older brother was my everything and I feel as though everything is worthless. its been almost 3 years i need him in my life i need him to say something again. i need my Noah.

  9. My older sister died after a long battle with cancer. My brother in law has been creepy and inappropriate for the last twenty years, making comments about marrying the wrong sister and rubbing himself on me at every family function. I didn’t get anywhere telling him to back off repeatedly or avoiding his special style of hugs, so I asked my sister for help and she told me to deal with it myself. She did not protect me. I stopped seeing her when I told her that I wouldn’t see him any more and she said they were a package deal, if I wanted to see her I had to see him.

    First, I’m really angry that she brought this predatory pervert into my life.
    Second, I’m angry that she died and he didn’t because that means he’s still a factor at family functions.
    Third, I’m angry that I even have to decide not to go to her funeral because the pervert will be there.
    Fourth, I’m angry that someone in my family gave him my phone number because he’s calling and my phone doesn’t have blocking capability.

    The family has protected him and made me to feel like I’m the one at fault (“will you be civil?” “Don’t make a scene”) So I feel some guilt at walking away but I’m not okay with keeping this predator in my life.

    I guess if they are a package in life so too in death. I’m staying home.

  10. My younger brother killed himself on February 8, 2018 and yesterday would have been his birthday. He would have been 22. When he was alive I always felt like we were very close, but sometimes his suicide and the way he hid his pain from me and the family makes me feel like I didn’t even know him at all. I go through my day or week and everything will seem ok, but then I see his picture or some random song will play in a store or on the radio and I will feel a lot of pain. I miss him and I wish I could see him again. I don’t understand how this could have happened but it’s slowly becoming clearer as the days go by, I guess. Sometimes it doesn’t even seem like he’s dead, it just seems like I’ll never see him again. I feel like everyone else just wants me to move on. I don’t want to talk about him to other people because I feel like talking about his suicide robs his memory of who he really was. He wasn’t a (seemingly) “depressed” person or someone who “had a serious problem” like other people try to explain to me now. I wish I could give his importance and significance to others but I don’t think anyone else wants to know about it.

  11. I lost my brother, two years my junior, to suicide over a year ago. I was in a complete fog for months. I knew he had issues, but never did I think it would get so bad. I feel a lot of emotions, including guilt and sorrow. I did not get a chance to say good-bye, I’m sorry, or I love you. I think he must have known that I loved him deep in his heart, given a life-time of memories together, but I fear that he was also in a fog and felt all alone at the end of his life. I did not call him, and I will have to live with that. My other siblings have moved right along as they did not love him quite as much as I did. My mother is a mess and although I have tried to help her in her time of grief, she has turned blame upon me. She tells me that she no longer cares about anyone or anything. She blames others for times they hurt him during his life. She does not acknowledge the depth of my grief. My husband and kids and in-laws don’t get it if I am “not myself”. They think it is over now. It will never be over and I am not the same person. I had thoughts of my own death–one for all and all for one–early on. I know that this is not a good plan. I have my own life to live. I know he would want me to live it fully, even though he could not. He did not mean to pass on his pain to us, and I forgive him for that. He was not thinking clearly and could never have known the depth of the pain he would cause us for the rest of our days. I could not have known either. Love comes at a great price when you lose it, but I would still love again. I will hold him in my heart forever, even when most others forget, even if I grow to an old age. He believed, and I believe, that he and I will meet again. I hope that all of you come to some level of peace with the deaths you are experiencing, cherish the memories and love you shared with the person you lost, and come to see that we will all die some day. Maybe that realization will help you to live your own life to the fullest before it is too late. We always think there will be more time, but sometimes there isn’t. Love and death are a part of life, though some kinds of deaths are more tragic than others. Please love yourself every day, and love those who are still around you while you still can. Life has many great things to offer still, if you don’t give up.

  12. My brother just passed away on March 10th. He was 26 and was in his way to the ER to see his best friend who had collapsed and was rushed to the hospital. I believe that he still made it and was by his friends side as an angel. His last phone call was made to the hospital and then he passed in a car accident. I don’t know how to do life right now and I feel as though I am going crazy. I miss him every second.

  13. I’m sorry for everyone’s loss I too lost a brother to sudicide Jan 30 of this year he was found dead but he was missing a few days before but they put the day we found him dead as if he died on the 30th he was 32 and I’m 31 it’s so hard for me me and my brother fought so much but I guess that’s how he showed his love in the one who found him hanging from a tree he left a note but still don’t help w my pain my sister told my parents I wish I knew how Laura is taking our brother death so well but I’m screaming inside and falling apart but I have to try to help my family cope threw this they have no clue that the guilt I feel I can’t stop thinking what if I was a better sister to him then maybe he would have confined in me instead of him feeling like he has no one yes he made me mad enough that I wanted to kill him and I never thought losing him like we did would Tear me a part Like it is . It’s like he made me who I am today by showing his live the way he did made me strong and could say no to any drug or to anything I was against now that he’s gone it’s like I lost myself I don’t no how to live anymore how to love again I don’t know how to be the mom my kids need so much cuz the day he died I lost my rock and it just shattered in to millions of pieces now everything I was against on I’m doing now cuz I would do anything to stop the pain to do anything to not to fall asleep or close my eyes cuz every time I close my eyes I see him hanging and all I want to do is try so hard not to hate him and to ask him why u wanna do this to us in ur note u said all u do is hurt us and its best to make one sin than to make more I want to yell at him cuss him and tell him what we’re u thinking u don’t want to hurt us anymore what the hell u think u are doing now Danny this is the worse hurt u can do to us yes we fight but that means we love each other . I don’t know what to do I feel like I’m falling apart till there is nothing left of me and I know not sleeping is not helping me at all but the same night I found him I finally fail asleep and I had a nightmare in the nightmare it was like I was spiritiually in his body and he went up the tree and I saw him jump and when he fail my whole body jumped and it woke me up my sister said he wanted me to no since I found him that way that it didn’t hurt him he was showing me he wasn’t in pain but ever since that day I turned to the main drug I was against my whole life refuse to try it and I awlays dish the people that did it was stupid but look at me now I lost someone that I thought was gonna be the worse painful death that I could ever go threw w but I was wrong my brothers death is the worse I was wanting to tell my sister that I’m not taking it as well as she thinks that I may look ok to u but that’s only cuz I’m trying to look ok around my family but when I’m alone at night when everyone is asleep I fall hard like I can never get up I been talking to god it helped just a tad but not enough for me to want to go to sleep I don’t care about life no more I can’t feel love no more I don’t want to push my husband away but I do and he don’t deserve what I’m putting him threw he’s to good I feel like I should leave so I wouldn’t hurt him like I am now I feel like my kids deserve someone who is able to give them attention cuz I don’t no how right now and it’s braking me cuz I want to so bad to snap out of this but how when every time I barley close my eyes I see him that way and mom and dad and the family is really falling apart so I have no one I can’t bring myself to talk to my kids or my husband about it cuz there all hurting to so what do I do I’m lost I got to stop but how?

  14. My little sister passed away in July 2009 she was 17 yrs old I was 23 she had an asthma induced heart attack she was found on her bedroom floor by my man and dad. I never felt overly close to my parents growing up. My sister was always so sick and in and out of hospital. I had to grow up quite fast and learn how to look after myself. I find it very hard every year on her anniversary and birthday I get really bad anxiety and can’t be around a lot of people my mam drinks quite a lot and gets very bitter and upset (she has been the same since before my sister passed away) she likes to take her annoyence out on the people around her. Every year she plans a huge get together to mark my sister’s anniversary and birthday and no matter how many times I tell her that I don’t feel comfortable with big groups of people she gets irate and screams and shouts. I thought when she lost her sisters to cancer that she would somehow understand a little how i feel but no she still has 7 surviving sisters I lost my 1 and only sibling and every year it gets harder and harder to deal with it

  15. My brother Jim died December 10th of cancer. Sadly he seemed to be fighting his battle and didn’t think he was done fighting, but suddenly things quickly changed and the battle was done. I felt guilty for not being there more to help him, he never asked for help, thought he was doing fine. I’d see him weekly, he was miserable with chemo and mean and crabby (can’t blame him) but at times was hard to be with . Man I miss him every day, we did things all the time. We fought too – that part wasn’t great, my dad died when I was 17, he was then in charge (9 years older)… not always great. But I miss him and just hurt so much. I keep waiting for my memories to fade so I don’t feel sad, wishing I could bring him back to have helped him more and when I was tired I would have made more time. Damn just thought he was battling it… not losing the battle.

  16. I lost my older brother 2 years ago today. He was shot by an officer while resisting arrest. He left behind 4 kids, only one of which I get to see. My mother acts like she was the only one to lose anyone and that mine and my other brother’s feelings just don’t matter because we haven’t lost a child. My brother was 33 and I was 29 when he died. I was his emergency contact and they failed to contact me. My brother died all alone in another state in SICU. That’s what hurts the most. He was alone. Myself and my surving brother are the “forgotten mourners”. Our mother doesn’t care and truthfully has never cared about what we are going through. She didn’t raise us and had nothing to do with my brother before he died because he was always in trouble. It angers me the way she acts. And of course, the pain of losing my brother is hard, we were so close. Of the 3 of us, we were the closest.

  17. I lost my only sibling in 1999. After all these years without him, I still can’t believe he’s gone. He was my hero.

  18. I am stuck. I lost my younger brother in the early hours of March 19th, a few days ago. A day that also happens to be my birthday. A day that I can’t see myself celebrating ever again. The amount of guilt I feel is so consuming. Its my fault. We were out celebrating my birthday (by celebrating, I mean hanging out at my fiance’s parents house and playing/learning to play Dungeons and Dragons with my fiances siblings). It was late, whn I decided that I wanted to go home. I wanted to sleep in my own bed. My brother had ridden his motorized bicycle out there. Its about a 45/50 minute car ride. He decided he was going to go home as well. He lived with my fiance and I. I stayed behind him for like 10 minutes, and then went around him because I had two cars riding my butt. I made it home. He never did. He was struck by a truck and killed on his way home, a hit and run. At some point after the first incident, he was struck again, and that is what prompted the 911 call. My guilt is consuming me, and I dont know how to escape it. I have a lot of anger as well. Anger at myself. Anger at the driver who hit him. For hitting him AND for not stopping. Our parents will be here tomorrow, and I have done all I can do. Figured out arrangements. Reached out to people. Having to make that phone call to my mom and then to my dad was the absolute hardest thing I have ever had to do. How am I supposed to move on?

  19. We lost my big brother on December 20, 2013.
    They did knee surgery on him about a month or so before that day. He’d had a skateboarding accident and shattered his knee so bad, so they had to operate and try to repair it. He was also bipolar and it was not always easy with him. Well long story short he was having problems sleeping and night sweats and they didn’t catch that he had an embolism which killed him suddenly. I came home from my job and saw him just moments before his death. The whole family was surrounding him and the ambulances came to help. They tried but they couldn’t save him.

    The autopsy revealed he was developing heart disease as well.

    I worry about my younger brother. He’s not doing so well, has no friends and stays in his room or in the house pretty much every single day.

    He needs a friend, some type of physical activity, but he’s very “oppositional defiant” -always has been. On top of that, he’s prone to horrible outbursts and hates to do anything for himself, expects my mom to just bring him food and wash his dishes, and really just has no clue about life experiences. When my older brother wasn’t manic, he’d warn my younger brother not to keep being this way. Sadly now my younger brother is nearly 27, has little education, terrible communication skills, and a very difficult temperament— nobody in the family can help him.

    I’m just hoping one day he will snap out of it. I’ve tried to help but it always backfires on me.

  20. I’ve been lost for the last 3 weeks. On Feb. 23 my 34 year old sister had wrist surgery. Her heart stopped during surgery, but was revived. The Dr said because of her age they saw no reason to keep her for observation, they sent her home. The next day my mom got a call from her husband saying she was in the hospital because her heart stopped and she was shocked 6 times. She spent the last 3 weeks on a ventilator. It was removed yesterday. She hasn’t passed yet but she could anytime. Out of all my other 5 siblings I was the one she talked to the most. I know the last year we didn’t see much of each other but she’s my little sister. On top of losing her I know we won’t get to see much of her 3 kids either. So I’m kinda grieving for all of them

  21. It’s been a year and a half since my brother was murdered. He was 19, I was 16. As children we were best friends but we grew distant in our teenage yeats. I always wonder if things would have turned out different if I had made an attempt to keep in touch with him after he moved out. I miss him endlessly, it still haunts me.

  22. 25th August 2014, I lost my brother in a car accident. The car got into a lake, so he drowned. He was only 11 (I was 20), but he knew how to swim. I once taught him. Maybe not good enough.. The thing is, unlike almost everyone here who can say confidently that their sibling was their best friend, I can’t. I was the only child for 8 1/2 years before he was born, so I think that got me this selfish and immature character. My relationship with my brother started okay, I was actually kinda close to him. I forgot exactly when our relationship was strained, I guess when I got into my 3rd year in Senior High School. Since then, I stopped playing with him. I barely spoke to him, and when I did, I didn’t do it nicely. I often ignored him. I often gave him this nasty look. We fought often. And I never said that I love him. But, inside, we care for each other, he looked up to me, and I cared about his school and all. Sometimes I would teach him, and I would always got him something for his birthday. But those nice moments are small and rare, the bads drown them easily. 1 week before he died, we got into this nasty fight. Not even a fight, I was furious at him out of jealousy, he totally did nothing wrong. When he died, the guilty feeling was overwhelming. The dream that one day we would live in a perfect harmony was over. What’s worst about it, is that I can’t grief. My parents were devastated, and me-griefing wouldn’t help the situation. Besides, everyone knows how nasty I was to my brother, it leaves me no right to grief. So, even until now, no one knows how much I was devastated over his passing. I went through all of it alone, I don’t permit myself to grief in front of others, not even my parents. It’s hard, and it doesn’t get easier even after 3+ years.

  23. I see a bit of myself in all the comments posted. My sweet sweet younger sister dies from medical negligence and being a doctor myself I can’t get past the guilt of not being around to set things straight for her. I feel responsible for her death. She was many years younger than I but we were very close, we were still making plans the week before her passing. I have been totally devastated and not bothered to try to be strong. Everyday I pray to God to turn time back to the. morning before she went to the hospital so I can call her and prevent her from the events that led to her death. It’s comforting to know that my grief is normal. It’s sad to learn that the feeling of missing something will never go. I feel like someone stole something from me.
    Somewhere in the book of Corinthians in the Bible talks about not grieving as though we have no hope. There is a hope of resurrection and this encourages me that though I won’t see my beloved sister in this dispensation, I look forward to the resurrection when Christ returns.

  24. I am very sorry for anyone who has experienced the same as I did and shared their story here. I remember how desperately I searched attention and a community after my brother died and how overwhelming my feelings were.
    My brother died almost 3 years ago, I was fifteen and he was twelve. I still have another brother, his twinbrother.
    I was the last person he spoke to, before he fell out of the window of his bedroom.
    I am convinced this is the deepest pain I can possibly feel and am sure this will kill me one day. I am too soft to handle this reality. Yes, I grew as a person because of this incident. But that fact is like scratching a wound with a needle.
    I can’t smile with my eyes anymore. Strangers that observe me a little immediatly get the sense that something drags me down. They notice how apparant my feelings are before I do.
    All I wish for is this to stop. I can’t handle it. It feels like I will never be able to escape this dilemma.
    I wish you all the best

  25. I lost my older sister on February 12, 2018. She had gotten into a car accident in January and knowing how she is she wouldn’t tell us how and what happened. Eventually she admitted that she was drinking, luckily no one else got hurt. She had hit a barrier/ guardrail at a high speed. Honestly my sister’s life was spiraling out of control her drinking, eating and impulsivity. I remember being the last person she saw when she was in the rehab facility she had broken both of her ankles, her sternum, and had to get surgery on her face from the air bag deploying. Oddly enough she never says I love you but she did that night. The next day I get a call saying that my sister passed away. It’s a fucking nightmare that I have every night. Running in there and feeling how cold she is. I had to shield my parents from seeing her body being put in the van by the coroners. It turned out that my sister passed away from a blood clot that traveled to her heart. So much emphasis is put on my parents and I’m constantly being told to be strong for them but where does that leave me? My sister and I were thick as thieves but I hated how stubborn she is and I realized she didn’t want treatment for anything but it doesn’t change the fact that she’s my sister and I love her. It’s hard for me to get out of bed and I don’t think there’s a day that goes by that I’m not in constant pain. I miss her, I miss calling her and just going out with her. A part of me is mad at her for being stubborn and finding out she had a double life. If there’s any support groups out there help would be appreciated.

  26. I dont even know how to start…. I lost my sister on the 5th of March from Aneurysm.. she was 25.. i was 23….. she died in my arms.. tomorrow is a 3 year of bullshit life without her… those who say that it will pass.. it wont.. I will never understand we were watching tv shows… she fell asleep and bam.. shes gone.. my parents got lost in the moment.. i had to be the strong one for them that night.. so i was. And after that night.. i got lost.. me and my sister .. we are soulmates.. when ever she was feeling bad.. i had that feeling right away.. Even the symptoms you suppose to have before the aneurysm makes the chaos, they were transferred to me.. like someone is playing games with us, she didnt even had a sign of something wrong going on.. and i had a dream about her… i should known better.. I dont even deserve this air..my sister is my everything….she is the most peaceful person i know.. she never argues .. she will remain calm and smile at everything.. its like she isnt even real.. i dont understand how could this happen to a person like her.. i wish no one never ever experiences this… this is a hell of life.. i cant go at her .. i even ignor everything.. i get drunk and then hell starts.. i guess alcohol gets out all of the pain.. and i know its not a way.. but it helps in some way.. the bottom line is that this is hell, and if u want to yell at someone do it.. if u can cry .. cry.. cos i cant.. and trust me not being able to release your own anger and sadness or just the missing part of not being able to listen to her voice again or seeing that magnificent face , its a mess … this is so much painful to even write it down .. my days started with her, and ended with her.. so when she was taken from me.. who ever took her, took my life away too..

  27. Im 17 years old and my brother (21) was killed in a hit and run incident on February 24 2018. I dont know what to do and keep picturing how he died all alone at 2 am in the darkness. What he was thinking or how he might have felt. When an officer came to my door I was alone at the time. He spoke to me and said they couldnt tell by looking at him who he was (he was “unidentifiable”) but he had his ID. My brother was 6 foot 4 and had a swimmers build. So when the officer said he was a “big boy” and was wearing a wooden thumb ring as well as a bracelet he gave me and my sister to match on Christmas. I knew it had to be him. He was killed in san diego on I-5 freeway and the hit and runners have not been found. Every night i cry myself to sleep and have the same vivid nightmare of him getting hit and regrets of not saying i love you frequently (as well as painful headaches). I was hoping writing it out would help even just slightly. His dog had also just died from diabetes and i cant help but to think death is much more closer than i thought possible. I thought crying was supposed to help you not make you want to cry more.

    • I just lost my brother. He was also 4 years older than me. He was my only sibling, he always took care of me. I miss him so much. He died alone in a car accident. I don’t know how I can adjust to this and go back to ‘normal.’ I can’t stop seeing his wrecked car. I just want to be in an alternate reality.

    • Bri,
      I also lost my younger brother, on the same day. He was 25. And he was more than a brother, he was a piece of my soul. i know your pain. The deep sadness and despair. It is strange how the rest of the world just carries on when you hurt so much. Stay strong, dear girl. I keep hearing this and i know how hollow those words are and how nothing anyone says can make the pain lessen. Just know you are not alone
      amanda

  28. My 31 year old son lost his 33 year old brother Jan. 2017. He was present when the accident happened.
    David was going to help Chris move into his first home and Chris was looking so forward to showing his brother what he bought. I think it was good that Chris was with David because I told him to lay next to David, hold him, tell him it would be ok and of course I love you. He and Davids girlfriend were both holding him in the end. It was a terrible phone call to receive from my son about my other son but God was in this in every way possible. I made to the hospital and knew right away David was dead. I’m sure Chris knew that too but he didn’t tell me. I was more concerned about my elderly parents and Chris.
    I’ve been around death a lot working in an ICU, was I better prepared? I think I was more prepared than anyone else in my family because I had seen so many different deaths and grieving of other family members over the years. I was numb but we all were.
    I worried about Chris as much as he worried about me. You see I lost a husband and Chris lost a father 16 years before to suicide. We’ve been through a lot together and know we’re the only 2 left out of our family of 4. I still have my siblings and parents who are in their 80’s. My job prepared me for death and I prepared my sons as much as I could for it as well by telling them I love them and hug them before they leave me and to always treat each other as if was the last time they’d see each other. I still worry more about Chris and I have to outlive him so he’s not the last of our family to go. I’m so sorry for all your losses and families who get caught up in their own grief and forget about you the sibling and in many cases you the best friend like my sons were..

  29. Why does it hurt so much!!!! She was supposed to be turning 35 this year. My birthday came without her here!!! I’m totally devastated!!! My baby sister. My only friend. Gone overnight. What am i supposed to do now!!! No one should ever have to hurt like this. I got through my fathers passing in 2014 because i had to be strong for her. She was being strong for me. Always thinking she was the big sister lol. I love her so much. She’s been gone 62 days and i wish i could bring her back everyday.

  30. Why does it hurt so much!!!! She was supposed to be turning 35 this year. My birthday came without her here!!! I’m totally devastated!!! My baby sister. My only friend. Gone overnight. What am i supposed to do now!!! No one should ever have to hurt like this. I got through my fathers passing in 2014 because i had to be strong for her. She was being strong for me. Always thinking she was the big sister lol. I love her so much. She’s been gone 92 days.

  31. I lost my only sibling, my older brother, on June 29, 2016, at the age of 53 to a heart attack. I’m still grieving. He was my best friend, although we were 9 years apart. I still tear up every time I think about him. He was such a proud uncle to my 4-year-old son, and he was planning to do so much with him. He’s left a huge hole in my life that I cannot fill. We lost our father suddenly in 1995, also to a heart condition, and my brother was who I always looked to for advice — the smartest, kindest person I’ve ever known.

    • I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my big brother, my only sibling, my hero, my conscience, my mentor, my friend in August 2017. He too was a wonderful uncle to my two pre-teen kids…. I understand your devastation and don’t wish it on anyone. I find myself trying to steal time from some elusive future moment when things don’t hurt so much. Sometimes this helps… sometimes I think I’ve lost my mind. His death was unnecessary, and that doesn’t help. I am truly so sorry for your loss.

  32. I lost my younger sister 10 years ago. It never gets any easier. I went from being the oldest child, to being the only child. Still having a hard time coping with this transition and family dynamic. It only gets worse as I get older. Does anyone have any suggestions for me , how to cope with this or how to help improve my relationship with my parents? I miss my sister deeply and I still have a hard time discussing this loss.

    Thank you.

    • Hi Tina… Am in the same boat. Lost my sis more than 20 years ago…Feels like yesterday. She was 16, I was 10. She was sleeping. I was in a bed next to hers, reading a book. It was morning. She started making some funny sounds, like heavy breathing…I didn’t wake her up though as she hated that.. the sounds stopped soon. Then mom came to wake her up..And she never did. Oh..I dealt with all that fine enough.. had lost my dad at the age of 4.. but still I did ok. But since the last 4-5 years, something happened. I can’t even bear thinking of my sis without tearing up. Any reference to her or thought of her and the tears don’t stop flowing. Even if I want to tell someone about her, or the fact that I used to have a sis, I can’t. And I don’t like crying in front of others, so it’s hard. I have to avoid such topics. I don’t know why this is happening after so so many years. What the trigger point was.. but am struggling. I tell myself it’s ridiculous. And yes, the guilt is there too. No one knows yet I heard her make some noise. Why didn’t I just wake her up then and there? Did I kill her? I can never tell mum. The survival guilt is there too as she was honestly far more deserving of life than me… Seriously. Pretty, loving, full of life and more. You know, nowadays I read about people freezing their eggs and sperm etc. I even imagine if somehow I had her eggs… I would make sure I impregnate myself with them and give birth to another form of my sis. So many ‘what ifs.’ what if I had woken her up that day
      Sorry, but am clueless how to deal with our grief, Tina…. Even as I type, I have to keep wiping the tears off and my nose is stuffed. But this site has already helped by making me feel am not the only one dealing with such issues. Am glad someone somewhere is reading this…for I can never let out my feelings so much in person to anyone. Meanwhile, I can only hope my tearing up phase stops one day magically.

      • I do hope you can find a way to talk about it. my brother just passed and it is all i think about. it is all i want to think about, i feel like moving on is forgetting him and i too have delusional thoughts about how to bring him back. i also keep trying to find a meaning in it all. like somehow this was his destiny and it was chosen. but, even that does not ease the pain.

  33. I just lost my best friend….my brother. He died Jan 12, 2018. I’m having trouble just getting through a day. I’ve lost both parents, and the emptiness, is just overwhelming.

    • Hi K Harmon,
      I feel your pain I just lost my only sibling sister Jan 20, 2018.. I watched her die she should never have died from having a couple of lymph nodes removed from her neck..she was suppose to go home the next day..that turned into 9 days ..I am having so much trouble grieving over her death because he daughter is just making trouble with my sisters husband and myself..( mind you this daughter never visited her Mother in3 years) all the family had offered plane tickets so she could see her mom but the dog was here excuse! (Husband son daughter friend all could have cared for the dog..just saying… she thinks I want all her mothers stuff..I don’t ..I like a single keepsake ..I don’t see a resolution to this and to top everything my husband has dementia and I can’t leave him..
      thanks everyone for listening Ive really needed to vent…

  34. I came across this site on Pinterest while I was looking for things about sibling loss. It helped to read this. To know my pain counts. I lost my little brother on May 18 th 2017 to a massive heart attack at age 48. I got the call at 2:30 in the morning from my sister in law that he was not responding to hurry there. I live less than five minutes away. U see my brother was a diabetic and I’ve had these calls before and left knowing I would fix this and he would be ok. But when I got there and saw two ambulances and police cars I knew something was bad wrong. Within ten minutes of being in my brothers home with his wife and kids. They came out of his bedroom room and asked where my parents lived I remembering saying why why do u need to go there. That’s when he said I’m sorry he’s gone. I had the hard task of going to my moms house first at 3:00 in the morning to tell her her son was gone. Then to only go to my Dads house to do the same and then the task of calling my two other brothers who live out of state that whole day is a blur. I’m miss him more and more as time goes on. I feel that I left him down that his Sissy as they call me didn’t fix this for him. I just can’t wrap my head or heart around the fact that he is really gone. The feeling of wanting to know WHY him WHY now. I’m the oldest I’m suppose to go first. This pain is too hard to bare. My parents have shut down. My Dad has become quite and not wanting to leave his house. And my mom has become angry and needing to blame someone for his death. Neither will talk. I just don’t know what to do. I’m trying very hard to keep our family together. Because family was everything to my little brother 😢😢 no one for me to talk to because I just may be the sister but my brothers are my world and I don’t know how to deal with this missing piece to our puzzle I call family

  35. Nobody to Write Home aboutFebruary 9, 2018 at 7:59 pmReply

    lost my brother on November 13, 2018. He would have been 44 this past December.
    we were close as kids, but grew apart, and he moved far away and married someone who is not nice to me. pretty much treats me like i do not exist. our family is very dysfunctional. i had an uncle who abused me, well he was invited to my brother’s college graduation AND his wedding. my brother knew i could not be in the same room with my ex uncle. he invited the uncle anyway so i stayed home. maybe that’s what caused his bitterness towards me? he also had a kid with a total psycho, (not his wife, this was before he met her) and once called and exclaimed “you’re an Aunt!” to which i declined. heartless? maybe, but i never have liked kids, never wanted them and after being abused by an Uncle and Aunt, did not want to be an Aunt. he might have held this against me too. but, regardless, emotional distance between us grew. he was always very critical of me, he reminded me a lot of my mother who died too, a few years back. he told me he misses Mother, well, Mother was abusive towards me too, very emotionally abusive, I was never good enough and on top of that, she had adopted me…anyway, my brother got Cancer (they say anger, guilt and resentment can cause it, wonder if any of that factored into it) He acted angry and bitter. We were both adopted. He never wanted to find his birth parents but I did and my birthmother ended up rejecting me all over again by not wanting to have anything to do with me or meet me. She died. So my birthmother, brother and adopted mother are all dead. And people wonder why I have no interest in having kids, or being near them, and I wonder why I have serious intimacy issues and only involve myself with emotionally unavailable men. In a way I’m relieved two of the most critical people in my life (mother and brother) are gone. adopted father is still here but he’s not a father. i can’t talk to him about anything deep. he is distant, unloving, and anti social. I cried when my brother died and now, all I feel is numbness and jealousy towards those who have close, loving family members. i’m never going to know what that feels like. 🙁

  36. I lost my 19 year old brother May 7, 2016. He was my very best friend, as we are only three years apart. We were arguing that night because my mom told him to bring her car home by midnight and it was an hour past. I just knew something was wrong when he never made it home so I jumped in my car and drove down the road to find him in the woods and the car in the trees about a mile from our home. I started CPR as I called 911, but he was already gone. Now 21 months later I am still a complete and total wreck. My parents are the same. I am the only child left. I don’t even know how to express my depression or anxiety. My heart hurt so badly. All I want us to have him back. I have read all the books I see a psychiatrist and a psychologist every week.. nothing can take this pain away. I can’t function daily anymore, my mind is gone. I’m not who I was at all. I was so confident the leader and now I know nothing, nothing at all..

    • Hello Kayla, I wanted to express my deepest condolences to you on the loss of your brother. I lost my best friend, my brother, on October 27, 2017… he passed away from colon cancer at the age of 23. It is painful to realize that not many people can truly understand your pain, and especially when you lose someone that was so important to you in your life at such a young age. I can’t comprehend my future without him, we used to talk all day long about how successful our lives would be, but I truly believed he had a chance of having a great life. There’s this overwhelming guilt of “why couldn’t it have been me” and there’s nothing to soothe the pain. The pain hasn’t gotten any easier over time. I wanted to reach out and say how sorry I was and that the two of us are on the same road travelling the same journey without our beloved brothers. I hope that we can both find some solace some day and time in the future.

    • Kayla, I want to say so sorry you are feeling this pain. I just lost my brother January 13, 2018. He was only 24 and it was sudden. He was murdered. It has been the hardest time in my life. I live in pain everyday. Pain when I look at my mom who lost her only son, pain for my 4 year od niece who doesn’t have her daddy, pain for my kids who were so close to their uncle. It hurts so badly. I have lost the one person i grew up with, who I remember mom being pregnant with, watching him as mom had to work, I was suppose to watch him grow more as a person. I feel my heart can’t take no more. I feel so many thing at this point. Regret is one I struggle with daily. Prayers to you and thank you for sharing your story.

      • My sister also passed away at age 24 last early march. She was a nurse in Beverly Hills and was headed home and got into a car accident. She had a very bad brain injury and the nuerosuregons were saying there was no chance, it was a catch 22. We kept on praying for a miracle but they weren’t being answered. I sometimes go on Microsoft word or google docs and just sit and write to her. I also put on our favorite music that we used to listen together and meditate/say positive things and think of our favorite memories that we shared. I smoke weed (CBD) to help me and it has been helping me, sorta. I had a very vivid dream recently of me and her singing. The feelings that you get from dreams with your siblings are like nothing else. One thing that she told me was to always live here in the present moment, to live your best life, and always put my mom first. That has inspired me so much and I see a lot of these comments and would like to pay it forward and tell you to think about the things your sibling has shared with you that you can live by. My sister has helped me to live through her and help me with my entrepreneurial ventures. Everyone has a different way of experiencing grief and I hope this has given you some kind of value to cope with yours. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Don’t pray for an easier life pray for to be stronger.

        P.S- Studying stoicism has helped me get out of depression! I would recommend it to anyone especially if they are in the business world as it is very competitive and could use the additional emotional fortitude.

        Justin.

  37. This is such a great thread, and it’s really helping me, reading all these comments. I lost my brother 3 months ago to an aggressive cancer that took his life in 10 weeks. We thought he’d have six months, so we were shell-shocked after it was over, albeit grateful that the lingering painful death of many pancreatic cancer sufferers had been avoided. He was 61, never married, and had lived with mum for the past 20 years. I moved in with mum for 6 weeks to help her get used to her new life of living alone, and yes I was the sibling out of the remaining three who took charge and sorted everything out. Now that I’m home, however, I still can’t seem to grasp that my brother is gone. When I see photos of him or he comes into my mind, I hear my own voice in my head saying “Where are you?” as if he’d gone on a holiday and I wasn’t quite sure where he was. I guess this is the denial phase of grief, but frankly I’m not sure how to move past it. I didn’t see him die, so I hoped for closure at the funeral, but that just felt like a dream I was experiencing. I’m the executor of his estate and dealing with paperwork and talking to people about his death each week so I should “get” it, but as time passes and I can’t seem to accept what happened, I’m wondering if there’s something wrong with me. Will I never accept his death? My father died 30 years ago and I had no trouble believing he was dead. Ditto my grandma and other family friends. My brother’d death, however, just won’t sink in.

  38. My twin brother died at 5 month old and i just found out about him 2 or 3 years ago. it is painful

  39. My little sister was murdered january 14 2018 I cant focus at work I feel guilty i was to busy notice she was in a abusive relasonship now its too late I keep looking at are messages on facebook she is my little sister shes given me advise on setting a example for my kids and being the bigger person she is so smart since this happen to her my mom not answering her phone and didnt come to her funeral im not mad her

  40. I lost my oldest brother, Jeff, to suicide on March 3, 2015. I have never been so shocked it my entire life. He was 47 years old. No one suspected he was suicidal, even his best friend cant believe it to this day. I then lost my other brother on August 17, 2017. I was at home and the police came to my door and informed me that he had passed away. Well, second major shock of my life! He was 48 years old. They did an autopsy and we are still waiting for the results.
    I am the youngest of the 3 of us and I have always been the care taker. So that is what I have done ever since my brother Jeff died is care for others, my mom, my niece, my sister-in-law, my brothers best friend! I dropped everything in my life to make sure that things got handled where he lived, making funeral arrangements and decisions that others weren’t willing to make.
    Then my brother Jamie passed away unexpectedly as well. Same things happened, I put my life on hold to make sure things were handled, dealing with the coroner, funeral arrangements etc…
    It is the most lonely feeling in the world to know that my two older brothers who I championed, looked up to and detested but loved so much are no longer on this earth. They knew me and they got me, They would hug me when I needed it and they would let me know when I was being a bitch!!!! I miss them both so horribly!
    I am really having a hard time in the last week or so and I am wondering if the reality is finally hitting me. I do really feel that sibling grief is overlooked because I am very rarely asked how I am but am almost always asked how my mom is! This is so hard for me because I don’t know how to respond because she wont talk about it with me. She thinks that crying is weak and she just keeps it to herself.
    And it is sad that people don’t see what a loss it is to lose a sibling! I have spent more time with my two brothers than mostly anybody. They were a safe place for me and now they are gone.

  41. How to deal with this ? I found my brother dead in bed on Christmas Day 12/25 17. 68 yrs old almost 69 on 1/13. My nephew in law had to break into the house. He saw my brother first, and it was his father n law too. I walked into room afterwards and was shocked and just couldn’t believe my eyes, I still can’t believe he is dead. We were close. After I saw my brother, my neice (goddaughter) arrived and that was her dad, my brother. Then a few hours later my brother’s son got to the house. My brother there Dad looked so peaceful . How does one work this out as I am the aunt/Godmother as well as a sister to the deceased. WE are close. But being that he is my brother, they have only experienced the death fo their father. I sometimes am at a loss of words and my grief is different as a sibling then a dauther/son. I miss my brother immensely since he was my true support in life then my other 5 siblings. He was always there for me. Does anyone have any suggestions?

  42. I have to agree the overshadowed grief has to be the hardest part of losing a sibling. When I was 11 my 6year old brother was killed in a tragic car accident. (We lost my aunt as well— October 1997) My parents couldn’t function for years and so being the oldest, I was the one who had to care for my younger brother and sisters. For years I just wanted someone to acknowledge my grief, my loss and tell me everything was going to be ok. So I learned how to cope and adjust to being ignored. I’ve heard some much about my mom’s loss, but I didn’t lose just my brother that day, I lost both of my parents too. They’ve never been the same. Just as I was adjusting and accepting that I will never be asked if I’m ok, we lost my sister last year to an overdose. Today was the anniversary of her death, no one thought to ask me how I was doing. My mom told me before Christmas that I didn’t even care that my sister was dead. I’m raising her child, who is one of the biggest blessings in my life, but I apparently don’t have get to grieve. It was so nice finding this site and knowing that I’m not the only one.

  43. I lost my Brother on the 3rd of December 2017. He was 44 years old. I am Roy’s only sibling and 20 months older. We are yet to find out why.. I am broken and living day to day in a haze switching from extreme heartbreak to denial that’s he’s truly just no longer with us. I feel part of me has gone and I am forever changed. My brother was a loving and caring soul and we always looked out for each other .. Christmas and New year came and went I’m hiding away from the real world and struggling to speak to anyone that knows me. I have 3 grown up children who I feel I am failing terribly as I usually look after everyone else but I’ve crumbled and if I’m honest I don’t want to feel any different as if somehow that would mean I love him any less.. My partner has been very understanding and is helping me but nothing is ever going to change what’s happened.
    I feel my future lies empty I miss his love laughter and loyalty he will always be my best friend.
    It’s so sad to read so many others are going though the same pain .. love to you all

    • Hi Marie,
      My name is Karen and before I go on please except my deepest condolences on the loss of your brother. I too lost my brother in December, December 14 after a diagnosis of pancreatic cancer. He was 47 years old and had been fighting this Horrible disease since March of this year. The doctors were so optimistic with his progress he was scheduled to have the tutor removed on Dec 17th but on the 14th he went in to cardiac arrest and passed away. Like you, my brother was my only sibling. I have also lost my mother and my father to cancer. I tota like you, my brother was my only sibling. I have also lost my mother and my father to cancer. When reading your feelings about your brother, I felt like I was reading my story! This horrible feeling of being alone so prevalent it’s scary! I just wanted to reach out and say how sorry I was in that the two of us are on the same road travelling the same journey without our beloved brothers. I hope that we can both find some solace knowing that our brothers for special people and they are now looking after us.

      • Hi Karen and Marie,

        I cannot believe this. I too lost my brother in December (13th) 2017. He was 46 and died of non-Hodgkin lymphoma. It was very aggressive and the doctors were unable to find it. I didn’t find out until the day of his wake. This whole situation does not seem real. I keep asking myself how could this happen. I keep thinking he is coming back. I lost my sister 10 years almost to the day and she too was 46. I am alone now with just my father who is 81 and lives on the other side of the country. No words can truly express the pain inside. .

  44. I was adopted as a small child and my adopted parents always were open with me about it. 8 years ago my mom helped me try to find out any information about my biological background, but we were unsuccessful. I lost my momma 2 and a half years ago and my desire to learn more about my biological background became very important to me. With persistence and help from momma and the good Lord above I was finally successful. I finally located two half brothers that I never even knew existed, not knowing there were more siblings out there. The one who answered my first email with a phone call changed my life. His name was Randy. Randy responded to me with a phone call that resulted to contact on a daily basis. After we first talked we couldn’t get enough of each other. I was the big sisters he dreamed of and he was my baby brother I totally fell in love with. We communicated on a daily basis through hours of messaging or phone calls. I couldn’t get enough of him and his knowledge and acceptance. I yearned for the relationship we had gained. We were counting down the days til we were scheduled to meet. We were 6 days and 13 hours away from the biggest and best day of our lives, when we would be able to hug and look into each others eyes for the first time face to face when the worst nightmare possible came true. I sent him a message and he didn’t respond so I figured I missed him, I had a gut wrenching and confused feeling as I sent him a second message telling him I love him and would catch up with him tomorrow. Then I got a message from my sister in law telling me to call her, first thought was a bad accident and that he was in the hospital or something like that, not that he had died of a heart attack. We had our week together all planned only a week away, I felt so robbed and broken. Going down to Tennessee was Not the trip I had planned, it was supposed to be a joyous trip . Life has not been the same since. Yes there are other half brothers but I am scared to death to get to know them even though they said they accept me out of fear of going through this pain again. Randy was the baby, I am the oldest, my children are grown up and he had young children to home. I felt so robbed and guilty because their daddy is gone and I am older and still here. This happened September 6th ,2017 . I don’t know how to get past the biggest loss of my life, he was my baby brother and I love and miss him so much.

  45. Hello ,

    Well I had to speak to someone who knows this horrible feeling I am sorry for all of us who are in this grief group it’s a terrible place to be.
    So I lost my sister Nov 5 , 2017 at 57 years old to cancer she suffered for a year . And I can’t believe she is gone she helped me my whole life always protected me always had all the answers for me
    How am I suppose to go through life without her ?
    All the major life events that she won’t be apart of why did this have to happen… why did God take my sister she also died the same day as our Dad did 14 years ago and how did I get through that I had her .
    Now I have crazy anxiety worry about everything scared of death and what’s to become in life .
    I hate to even write this on New Years part of me wants to forget 2017 but I feel sad that was the last year I had my sister in my life .
    Thanks for listening
    Cammy

    • I lost my Brother on the 3rd of December2017 he was 44 and healthy. We are yet to find out how. I am broken and in some kind of horrendous haze. I am still waking every morning to the realisation that it’s true. I feel like part of me has gone we were so very close i looked after him the whole of my life as I am 20 months older.. I have always supposedly been the stronger one as Roy was such a fun and loving soul. But he was my rock the one who could always make me smile someone I could trust like no other.. We where a team and this was not suppose to happen. We had plans for the future he was going to spend Christmas at my daughter’s house and had planned holidays I spoke to him daily I have so many wonderful memories of him yet I want more.
      In the first couple of weeks I just wished I’d of gone with him as I can’t imagine a future without him. I never ever realised that so much pain was possible.

    • Cammy I am so sorry… I too lost my sister 9/25/17… I feel like I died with her… I miss her so so much and even more terrible she had lost her son a few months before in June…. I only have a younger brother left.. my mom and dad died young at 54 and 59 13 months apart and my oldes brother died 10 years later of a brain aneurysm at 40…. I cry all the time and just want her back so badly…. she was always getting sick a
      I think it was stress from taking care of her son who contacted encephalitis at 6…. she had open heart surgery 3 Times ; most of her colon removed; diabetes and them a kidney disease so in 2016 I started doing my annual testing so I could donate my kidney but what happens they find out I had breast cancer: luckily stGe one but I could not give her my kidney right after they decided she couldn’t have the transplant surgery anyway because of her heArt… all kinds of issues with her kidneys after that and then complications and she passed away… I was with her and I thought I was having a nervous breakdown and her poor husband and other son losing both of them… I just don’t know how I can live without her… she was my best friend too… I am sorry for your loss because I can only imagine if u feel as I do.. my heart is bronen hugs to u my friend!! I hope u see this!

  46. Hello All, My first post on this site was July 27, 2017. At that time I was facing the reality of loosing my baby sister. On December 7, 2017 at 0226 I lost her. I prayed that she would be able to make it to Christmas for the kids but she just couldn’t hold on… I talked to her several times everyday and seen her at lest 1 time a day…. what am I going to do without her? She was my best friend, my baby sister. What do I do with all this time I have on my hands? How do I cope. I do spend time with her kids as much as I can but they spend a lot of their time with their friends. I just miss her so much, I often read the messages she sent me. My poor hubby don’t know what to do with me because there is nothing he can do to help me, I do feel bad for him because he has to deal with my break downs, mood swings and my utter craziness. People say I understand, I have lost my Mom and Dad, well NO YOU DONT UNDERSTAND, TRY LOOSING A SIBLING!!!!! I is NOT the same. I was able to spend Thanksgiving with her and her children, oh how I loved that day… I planned on doing the same for Christmas but our time was cut short. I hated Christmas this year, it took me 3 days to put a stupid tree up, I didn’t want to listen to Christmas music and I did all my shopping In 1 day and I love Christmas. I had lunch with her kids today and it made me very happy to see them. How do you stop crying? I just miss her so much, I love you Racheal.

  47. My brother passed on the 25th of december 2017.He fell off from a 2nd floor building after his friend pepper sprayed him when they were fighting..He couldnt see and he was feeling dizzy resulting in his fall.On the 19th of february 2016 l lost my father.Life doesnt seem to give me a break.lm broken,lm lost.l feel like l have lost the battle,the pain is too much to bear.l have lost hope in God.l feel like he doesnt exist

  48. My brother Josh died in a motorcycle accident on December 20, 2017. He was 33 years old, and he was my best friend.

    We buried him yesterday, the day before Christmas Eve. My family is just destroyed. Before I left to fly cross country for the arrangements and funeral, my father said to me (my brother and I have different dads, but it didn’t matter, because we were raised together all our lives) that I had to be the rock for my family when I got back to my hometown. I said, “Dad, I am not a rock. I can’t be strong right now. I want to just lie down and die next to him.”

    The day of his death was and had always better be the worst day of my stupid little life.I don’t think I could even get through any day worse than that. Just heaving sobs, chainsmoking on the back patio, avoiding phone calls from distant cousins and aunts and uncles because I couldn’t even speak and didn’t want their thoughts and prayers. I found myself angry: at myself for not knowing what was going to happen and calling my brother the night before and saying, “Bro, call in sick to work tomorrow,” or “Take a different route to work tomorrow.” I was angry for not being the one who died. I was angry at my brother’s exes and at my father for never having known my brother well. I was angry at my own family for turning toward their Christianity for solace when I knew for a fact my brother was an atheist, just like me.

    Now though, I’m not angry. I am just lost. I have another week in my hometown to see to his affairs and be with my mom and grandparents through all this. My family is pretty conservative, and handle their grief differently. My mother is taking Xanax and other medications to numb her pain. My stepdad is taking care of the family affairs. Grandma makes food and tries to still do Christmas. My uncle turns to Scripture. And me, the oldest brother who moved far, far away a decade ago…all I want to do is just smoke cigarettes and drink beer and cry on my friends’ shoulders and tell stories about my brother. Other times, I don’t want to say anything at all, and just listen to all of my brother’s music alone in the spare room of my parents’ house. When my uncle read from the Bible tonight at our Christmas gathering (I can’t believe they even had the annual family thing this year, considering, but oh well), I quietly got up and left the room till the baby Jesus story was finished. It just infuriated me this time, for some reason, even though he does it every year.

    I miss him so much. Every single place I go and everything I see in my small hometown reminds of some hilarious day or night I once had with my brother. He was quiet, and gentle, and funny, and so so weird. He once pretended he was Canadian for six months. When we were kids, he got mad at me for the way I played video games.

    Some uncle the other day said, “It gets better. You will move on.” I looked him right back and said, “I don’t want to move on. I don’t want to ever forget this, because it wouldn’t be right if I did.”

    Nothing is ever going to be the same for this family again.

    • I know exactly how you feel. My brother was killed the day after yours in a tragic car accident. It is definitely the hardest thing I have ever had to endure. I feel so many emotions especially guilt when I catch myself laughing at something. Please know that you are not alone and take all the time you need to heal. It is really hard I know, but I have found that resuming my regular activities like work and such has helped me a great deal. I have also found solace in surrounding myself with people who are not involved whatsoever. I find it easier to talk and open up about how I am feeling. Right now things aren’t better for me, they are different. Thinking of you!

      • Hi Tracy

        I am extremely sorry for your loss. May you find peace soon.

        I too lost my 39 yr old brother on 28 Jan 18 who happened to be my identical twin. I am so devastated that I can’t put it in words.

        Reason for his death is still not certain. He was perfectly healthy..used to gym 5 days a week..no previous health condition..used to drink socially and smoke a bit.

        He was playing cricket on the field and suddenly complained of breathlessness. He came out to rest for a while and suddenly collapsed holding his chest. The other players put him in a car and took him to the hospital only 12 min away. But the doctors couldn’t revive him.

        I was so close to him and being twins we spent the maximum time in last 39 yrs with each other. I didn’t have to speak to him to know how he felt anytime.i just had that connection with him. I just can’t accept that he’s gone.

        I’m in a mess right now..don’t know if I even want to come out of it. Feel overwhelming guilt for being alive. I was with him on a boy’s night out the day before. I can’t get his lifeless face out of my mind.
        We look similar and sound exactly the same which comforts his friends but makes me miss him even more.

        I see his car, his kids ,his other stuff everyday and I can’t take it. I loved him so much.

        What should I do? I choke sometimes just thinking of him. Where do I get solace???
        May God give you peace and please keep him in your prayers.

    • Jason, I am so sorry to read your post. I see a lot of similarities with the loss of my sister, with how you have dealt, with the christian/atheist thing. The first year is the worst. And I thought it got easier or better. The ten year anniversary just came, and it’s like the wound is now bleeding fresh blood. Worse than before even, as if my survival had to kick in and the real pain had no space. It gets easier. And then it gets harder. Christmas will never ever be the same for you. She died two days after my birthday, so that’s always forever stamped. But. It isn’t always horrible. You get used to it. People help you grieve sometimes when it feels impossible to understand the weight (and therefore you hold it like water off a duck’s back.). I returned to Australia this Christmas and New Year to really talk to my family about it, to talk about her, and her loss, and what that wretched Christian memorial did to me, and how dishonoured she was at it (she was gay, and my dad’s best friend minister said she was going to hell). But family around this sort of thing is like a dark Scandinavian film. There is no depth, no real talk. We grieve separately and differently. I don’t know what to say to you, only that I am so sorry for your loss.

  49. My brother Josh died in a motorcycle accident on December 20, 2017. He was 33 years old, and he was my best friend.

    We buried him yesterday, the day before Christmas Eve. My family is just destroyed. Before I left to fly cross country for the arrangements and funeral, my father said to me (my brother and I have different dads, but it didn’t matter, because we were raised together all our lives) that I had to be the rock for my family when I got back to my hometown. I said, “Dad, I am not a rock. I can’t be strong right now. I want to just lie down and die next to him.”

    The day of his death was and had always better be the worst day of my stupid little life.I don’t think I could even get through any day worse than that. Just heaving sobs, chainsmoking on the back patio, avoiding phone calls from distant cousins and aunts and uncles because I couldn’t even speak and didn’t want their thoughts and prayers. I found myself angry: at myself for not knowing what was going to happen and calling my brother the night before and saying, “Bro, call in sick to work tomorrow,” or “Take a different route to work tomorrow.” I was angry for not being the one who died. I was angry at my brother’s exes and at my father for never having known my brother well. I was angry at my own family for turning toward their Christianity for solace when I knew for a fact my brother was an atheist, just like me.

    Now though, I’m not angry. I am just lost. I have another week in my hometown to see to his affairs and be with my mom and grandparents through all this. My family is pretty conservative, and handle their grief differently. My mother is taking Xanax and other medications to numb her pain. My stepdad is taking care of the family affairs. Grandma makes food and tries to still do Christmas. My uncle turns to Scripture. And me, the oldest brother who moved far, far away a decade ago…all I want to do is just smoke cigarettes and drink beer and cry on my friends’ shoulders and tell stories about my brother. Other times, I don’t want to say anything at all, and just listen to all of my brother’s music alone in the spare room of my parents’ house. When my uncle read from the Bible tonight at our Christmas gathering (I can’t believe they even had the annual family thing this year, considering, but oh well), I quietly got up and left the room till the baby Jesus story was finished. It just infuriated me this time, for some reason, even though he does it every year.

    I miss him so much. Every single place I go and everything I see in my small hometown reminds of some hilarious day or night I once had with my brother.

    Some uncle the other day said, “It gets better. You will move on.” I looked him right back and said, “I don’t want to move on. I don’t want to ever forget this, because it wouldn’t be right if I did.”

    Nothing is ever going to be the same for this family again.

    • So sorry Jason for your loss
      My 54 year old brother passed away 10 days ago. We found out he had cancer and passed within 7 weeks. Just aweful. No words. We just buried him last Thursday. I have avoided all the Christmas everything. I feel like I’m in hiding. I only see who I know know how I feel. Unreal. Still can’t believe it. He is my only brother, my mothers only son. Killing me. 1 day at a time. I keep saying 1 day at a time. I started therapy. Family has been very kind in leaving me alone, and waiting for my ques. But I don’t like to leave the house. I was in bed for days after.

    • I am sorry, I lost my sister on Dec 20th 2017. as well, she had a fatal heart attack on Dec 16th and we found out she was full of cancer , she never regained consciousness we had to remove her from life support due to all her organs shutting down , it all happened so fast and I still cant wrap my head around it and I feel lost and miss her so. my family kind of did the same thing we had a get together for Christmas, I guess it helped her kids to be around the rest of the family. I cant say anything is helping me right now all I think about is how much I want to tell her one last thing and how we will not grow old together and all I have is this gut wrenching feeling and want to burst out into tears constantly

  50. My youngest sister died of a gunshot wound to her forehead on October 15th 2017, she was killed by her boyfriend. No matter what happens to him, whether he goes to prison, gets death or they set him free, none of that even matters because my heart, my family and all of our lives will never be the same. I’m 47, about to be 48 this month, I have never in my life experienced such pain, loss, sense of loneliness, feelings of sheer “scatteredness”. I’m up now because today has been “one of those days”. Her insurance billing ,of that day, arrived through the mail today, I took them so my parents won’t have to see them. I called the insurance company and asked them to please stop that from coming to their home in the future and had to explain why. My faith in God can never be shaken, I trust Him completely, even with this, but my heart is so broken…never knew feelings like this existed. I MISS YOU AND LOVE YOU LINDA💔

    • I am so sorry to read this about your sister. There are no words, Life as we know it will never be the same. Everyday is a struggle. Loosing my brother 10 days ago has been the closest person time ever to have pass away. I have all alone. No one understands until they lived in our shoes. Just know I’m sory. And I hope we all can find whatever we need to make it til tomorrow and then the next day

  51. I have lost my older brother November 25th 2017
    It’s amazing how grief can take over your entire life in a split second: shock, numbness, anger, regrets, guilt, sadness, emptiness, disbelief, and many more emotions in single pack, how do we continue with our lives?
    My brother was 52 just little over a year older than me, my younger brother is 50 and my sister is 55. Me and my sister took a lead in helping our parents and our younger brother to grieve. Our brother can’t accept the reality and refuses to let go , they were inseperable living in same house their entire life. My younger brother is not married which makes even more difficult to deal with situation. I’m every day at their house trying to play a role of collected and strong one but when I get home and any chance I’m alone I cry and cry. I can’t sleep I worry so much about my parents and brother I feel as it’s my responsibility to make sure they find the reason to live. Both me and my sister are married with kids and we know we have to go on, but trying to help parents and brother. We don’t know the reason of his death, he never had health issue and he was home with wife and daughter when they found him lifeless sitting as if he hadn’t had a chance to even move. We still waiting for autopsy results. I had brain shunt placed and living with brain tumor for over 15 years , I have had some serious back issues and surgery 2 years ago. I have delt with extreme pain and I don’t know much more I can handle. I had anxiety issues before all this now I’m in shock I’m just afraid that I might wake up one day and realize that I can’t take it anymore. The truth is that none of us know how strong we really are until we are put to test. I have read many of grieving stories and I am truly sorry for everyone’s loss. May we all find strength and reason to live on until it’s our time to go. It’s vicious circle of life, sometimes it’s good but it always ends. The only thing we can agree is that faith prevails. And we all hope that life will get better!

  52. My older brother, the oldest of 5 siblings, died in August 2017. He was found dead in his apartment on August 14th by his old roommate and his the landlord. But the last time he was heard from was the afternoon of August 11th, when he called in to work complaining of a stomach pain that was so unbearable he could hardly move. Reports state that his death was on the 14th, but he could have very possibly been dead since the 11th. He lived 2 hours from where he, my family and I have lived our whole lives, and it took 3-4 days for his body to be transferred here, and a total of 10 days till we got to see him, for the last time, on August 24th at his viewing, and before his cremation over the following days. Today is December 18th, 4 months and 4 days since that unforgettably horrific night when my family and I got the call that forever changed us all, and we still have no idea what happened to him. The night we were told that he had been found, we were told his death was of natural causes. He was 34 years old… And an autopsy showed no obvious signs of anything natural. And so for over 4 months my family and I have sat here, waiting for a reason why my brother is gone from our lives. And toxicology reports can take 6-9 months, or even longer, to be complete. It’s been the hardest part of all of our lives and I know it will only get worse before it gets any better. I am the second oldest of my siblings and have felt like I have a new set of responsibilities to handle, but have felt like I cannot handle even my own. My brother is dead and i couldn’t do anything to help him and i can’t do anything to bring him back and it’s driving me crazy that I can’t. I can’t believe any of this is still real. I don’t… It’s not….I can’t comprehend it all. I don’t know what happened to my brother. I’m losing my mind.

    • My brother passed away May 3, 2017. He was also 34. It will be 8 months in January and I would love to tell you it gets better but it doesn’t, it does become different. Right now it is probably just really sinking in and the reality of what has happened is heartbreaking. I had so much guilt and still do to some extent because it wasn’t me, I still can not wrap my brain around why him? The only advice I really have is focus on his life and not his death. I can talk about his life all day long but talking about his death seems redundant and is upsetting. Don’t let anyone tell you how to feel grief unfortunately is a path all your own, no two people grieve the same. You and your families life will never be the same but you will get through it. Even though you feel like you won’t or that you don’t want to just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I pray a lot. Pray for my brother and my family. ❤️

  53. My baby sister passed away on Friday, December 15,2017 at 11:26am. My heart physically hurts and I don’t foresee it ever getting better. I sob and have horrible anxiety. She was sick on Monday, went to the hospital on Wednesday, ended up with sepsis and died on Friday morning. She was super tiny, but was 5xs her size when she passed. Her body was so swollen from the organ failure. It was horrible to watch. I talked to my sister everyday and saw her5-6 times a week. She was38 and I’m 41. We have a younger brother who is 36. My sister always did so much for us and our children. My brother is paralyzed with grief. I don’t know how to go on. The pain is real and heavy and empty all at the same time. I have never in my life felt pain like this. My heart goes out to all of you and I’m terribly sorry for your loss.

  54. My Dad just lost his sibling (who committed suicide) and I came here to try to understand how he is feeling.
    If anyone has advice or wants to share, please comment.

    • I can give you some advice to maybe get him more support and help… things I would like to have myself. Understanding. Support by helping him do things around the house unless he likes doing that still. Little things like spending time with him. Also look up some books about grieving the loss of a sibling “surviving the death of an adult sibiling” it’s on amazon and super inexpensive . Also be understanding if he isn’t excited or happy. If the loss is recent like you say… then he needs time to cope and deal. Ultimately seeing a therapist is a good idea. Out of my whole large family… only my two grandmothers have experienced loss of a sibling. But neither of them seem to know how to support me. It’s definitley a difficult situation for most people. They just don’t know how to help. This article or entry is definitely helpful for me. I just want more. I need more support. I feel like nobody really knows what it’s like to lose their sibling until they do.
      You’re a good kid and you’re already being supportive by looking at things like this. Sending love your way to you and your dad and your family.

  55. Thanks for those who shared their stories and I say to every one that we will always remember, as there is nothing worth sharing and remembering as the love of a sibling, and a part of us feels dead with the loss of some one so close, but we also keep a part of them alive in us.

  56. 5 years ago my sister Wendy went to work and died at 35 of a major heart attack November 19th 2012. On Wednesday my dads brother died in surgery thought it was the most painful week. With both deaths we then had a very sad thanksgiving. My other sister and I started seeing cardiologists my sister Sarah died 89 days later in her sleep even after having a normal ekg on that Friday she was 33. It started the next 5 years of sadness and loss my dad lost his 2 brothers and his sister within a year my father went into complete kidney failure and lost that fight May 26th 2016. Have not had a good nights sleep in 5 years. I’ve done therapy, grief counseling and psychiatrists still sleep about 4 hours with ambien and seroquil.

  57. I lost my only sibling on October 9, 2017, my brother. He went to the hospital September 17,2017, from a gun shot wound. The doctors said he would make it, because of his age! He was healthy, but he suddenly passed three weeks later from being in ICU. Everything was unexpected, my brother was my bestfriend. So, it’s like I lost 2 people in 1. 🙁

  58. I lost my brother upon arrival at the hospital on September 1st 2017, it is the most painful thing i have ever experienced and i am still struggling with it. Everything seems empty, i even developed anxiety attacks, the only thing that keeps me going is the Rosary and booze.

  59. My brother passed away 3 weeks ago after committing suicide at the age of 21. Firstly, I am still in a complete state of shock and have forced myself to pretend nothing ever happened. I still refer to him in the present tense, and there are so many traces of him all around me. I feel so bad because he never told our family about any of his problems, but he had been acting unusual for the past few months. I am in my first semester of university, and I only have class 3 days a week. He was in his last year, and went to school every day, but I had been seeing him at home every day I had off. I confronted him about skipping classes, and he said it was no big deal. His life was always none of my business, and that was OK. All of his friends, though, knew he was suffering from mental illness. A friend even told my parents after his death that my brother had been hearing voices in his head, and another friend said he had been talking about suicide a lot. I blame them for his death, and I wish nothing but the worst upon them. I genuinely hope they die a terrible and painful death, and suffer the wrath of God in the afterlife. Everyone in my family is hurting. My older sister, who was only 11 months apart from him, is very angry about his death, so she never wants to talk about it. She has also been getting out of the house and hanging out with friends often, something she used to not do. My younger sisters are taking it hard. One had a complete meltdown at school yesterday. The youngest one, his favourite sister, only says she feels sad when I ask her how she feels. She’s only 7, so I don’t think she has the words. She has also been feeling angry and getting frustrated with herself easily. I just feel so bad for my brother, and it is unimaginable that I will have to walk through the rest of my life without him. When the rest of us will be getting old, having children, and growing up, he will forever be a beautiful 21 year old. And it is also crazy to me that even though I have spent so little of my life with him if I live into old age, he will have had a profound effect on my life, but nobody else will care about him except for us. I wish he would come banging up the stairs again, slam my door open, and call me all sorts of names for thinking that he was actually dead. Please come back.

    • Hi Allie,

      I know how you feel I am still angry to this day that no one helped my brother, and honestly I blame myself too. Honestly, it is normal to feel the way you do. I still do he was my only brother. It is so hard to think about your future without him, but he is always with you, and wants you to LIVE. I hear that a lot, I am a mom of 2 children, and my brother was an amazing Uncle. I am so sorry that this happened. It’s been 2 years for me, and honestly I struggle still. I am having a hard time right now with just the holidays I hate that anyone has to go through this pain. Take your time, and grieve and try your hardest to be strong. I will be praying for you.

  60. I loved my sister I pray she is out of pain and wrapped in Gods loving arms. Suzanne was loved by her family and the church family at Mt Zion she blessed many children there. My little sister went to heaven November 28, 2017
    She was found by her neighbor outside yesterday face down unresponsive. 59 yeas old my baby sister. My mom is is 83 and she was crying oh lord of lord. My dad is in he beginning stages of altimeters one week ago exactly m daughter was sentenced o prison. I’m raising her son and led god help me Christmas is coming. I’m broken

  61. Catherine Mc ElhattonNovember 29, 2017 at 10:21 pmReply

    My sister is in a care home in the last stages Alzheimer’s. Watching her deteriorate with this terrible disease is killing me. I can’t help her or do anything to relieve her suffering. A few days ago she lost the ability to swallow. We tried everything to get some food into her. Then she had a stroke in the middle of the night and now she is lying there with a drip in her arm unable to move or communicate. We know it’s only a matter of time now. All I do is cry. I have family support but this grief is so bad I can’t get any rest from it. My sister is the kindest person I know. She’s my best friend and I love her so much. Watching her suffer is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I sit with her and hold her hand and tell her how much I love her. She has her own family and we are all grieving. Nothing anyone says helps me. I keep trying to find a way through this and I’m not succeeding.

  62. I lost my 46 year old brother to a hemmorraghic stroke after 36
    days in a coma. We were the only two kids in my family. We had to make the decision to withdraw his care which was a decision that I never in my life would have to make with our family. I was so strong during the initial emergency and hospitalization, even during his funeral services. It has been five months since it all started and now I am feeling the loss. Physical and emotional feelings are happening daily. I am on an antidepressant and antianxiety medication. I know
    this is all part of the process but it is tough. I have a strong faith. I guess I am looking for suggestions that might have worked for others.

  63. Hello, everyone. Today is Thanksgiving day and I am still in a state of shock after losing my younger sister, Nancy on November 8th, 2017, just two weeks ago yesterday. Nancy was the baby in our family of six girls, no brothers. We were all very close growing up and had wonderful times together. We also had amazing parents but they both died young. Mom at 50, dad at 58. Maybe that is why we had such an incredible bond through the years. We shared life’s ups and downs and held each other up, but Nancy suffered the most because she was so young without our mom and dad. But Nancy was resilient. She had guts and determination. She managed to get a good education all on her own and she became a very successful businesswoman. What makes me so sad today is, not only do I miss her tremendously and everything about her, but she is the third sister our family has lost in recent years. Nancy was given a deadly cancer diagnosis on September 22. She was told she had stage 4 adenocarcinoma and it had spread through her entire spine, hips, neck, stomach and liver. The pain I watched her endure for six weeks will never leave my mind. But she never lost her sense of humor, her infectious laugh, her determination to keep fighting (even though her case was hopeless) and she never lost her faith. I am heartbroken that I can’t call her today and spend the holiday together. I can’t believe we will not be able to hang out anymore, enjoying movies and TV shows we loved to watch together, take gorgeous rides through the country, talk for hours about the news of the day, just everything. I will never meet another person like Nance, she was an original. Nancy, I know you are out of your pain. Please, pray for Anne ,Mary Grace and me that we gain the strength to carry on without you. Have fun with our sisters, Pat and Carole and mom and dad. I hope to see you again someday and we can laugh together in heaven. I love you, sweet Nancy.

    • Catherine I am so sorry that you have lost Nancy, I lost my baby sister and best friend 8 years ago and I miss her so much. Nothing I can say will ease your pain but remember that your love for each other will never die. Someday you will be able to think of her without the pain tearing you apart and you will remember all the happy times, for now just be kind to yourself x

  64. Hi, my big Brother died on 28th July 2016, some 16 months ago of a GBM4 brain tumour, he was 46. He was my only Brother and meant everything to me. We lost our Mother some years ago to hideous cancer too, and since then became even closer. He was absolutely my best friend and totally looked out for me always. Our Dad is still around and I know he loves me but I feel very alone in my grief. I am lucky that I have a great support network of true friends and do not know how I would have coped without them. I miss my Brother more than I can say, and I cry a lot still. Sometimes I wonder if that’s normal because the hurt I feel is as bad as the day he died.

    He left behind a Daughter of 3 at the time (my beautiful niece), and of course her Mother who has a mental illness so is difficult to deal with. I sometimes feel overcome with it all. That said, I still manage to function, go to work and do things I enjoy, but when the feelings of missing and yearning come over me I feel so alone in my grief. Thank you for letting me post this.

  65. Hi everybody,
    I am so sorry for everybody’s lost . I also lost my beautiful ,younger and only sister on June 12 . Her ex partner of 7 years, murdered her .
    This happened Mexico City, so as you know that country is very corrupt . Cuauhtémoc, ( the murderer), was able to pay lawyers, and even the judge and he got out of jail . Since then, I have been fighting to bring justice for my little sister …and every day I’m losing hope . I feel profoundly angry, sad, depressed , powerless, hopeless and disgusted with that man whom I knew and with the justice system in Mexico . I also feel that my sister still had a lot of dreams, plans and time to live. But this evil, envious, ambitious person, decided how, where and when my little sis was going to die. It is not fair !! this piece of garbage is out , still fighting for everything that my sister worked hard for . He is a piece of trash as I am concern , and I feel that I don’t have control over everything that its happening .
    I had to hire a criminal lawyer and I have been also trying to defend my sister’s estate . But I am fighting a criminal, a disgusting justice system that it is completely rotten in Mexico …and I feel that my life , my heart and my soul also went with my sister ,. I don’t have my parents anymore as they died in 2011 and 2013 and I don’t have any other family member . I have some good friends , but they have their lives . This has been the worst and most painful time of my life !!!

    • I also wanted to say that I truly HATE the man who murdered my sister . He is living like nothing happened . He has his family and friends supporting him, while I have lost my beloved sister .

    • I am so sorry for your loss. It makes grieving all that much more difficult when you are dealing with the fact that someone else was responsible for taking the life of your loved one. The hospital my 19 year old sister was at neglected her severely which led to her passing. The last most she happened to watch was with our mother and it is called “The Shack”. We have watched it over and over as it’s a great movie to watch to help deal with some of that anger and terrible greif. I suggest it to anyone who is dealing with loss, especially that of murder. Not sure if you are someone who believes in God but this movie consists of faith and dealing with it after loss. Hope you can find rightful justice for your sister.

  66. I lost my brother on Oct 29,2017. Which was 22 days ago. He died of a heart attack. They did an autopsy on him and found his heart was abnormal. What was shocking to us is that he was only 23 yrs old. I can’t forget how I saw him laying there in the emergency room. I cried and cried along with my parents and brother and sister. He wasn’t only my brother, he was my best friend. What more can I say? I’m gonna miss him so much and waiting for the day that I can look at his picture without suffocating. I send my condolences to whoever lost a loved one.

  67. Thank you for writing this.

  68. It’s amazing reading everyone’s sharing, and how closely we relate in our pain and experiences despite the differences. I lost my sister on July 27, 2017, a week after she was hit in a pedestrian accident. My sister had survived cancer and gangrene at an early age, and yet it was one careless driver that ended her life. For years, she took the same afternoon walk for simple reasons of health and fitness, one day wasn’t as lucky as the others. She was struck by a driver who claimed the sun was in his eyes. I live in the memories, in the wondering of what could have, would have, and should have been. I question the episodes of the day, time and time again, and rearrange the events in my head to how the whole thing could have been avoided. I can’t help but wonder what were the final thoughts in her head. Did she hear us the week she lay in a coma? The doctor’s confirmed she was brain dead, but our faith held us to believe otherwise. I, of all my family, had the hardest time “pulling the plug,” such a horrible phase you hope to only hear in movies and stories from strangers. Something we never imagine living for ourselves.
    Three months have past and on most days I’m still very near to wear I was that night of the call. That night, our lives changed forever. An officer called minutes before midnight to indicate that a phone had been found at the scene of an accident. He couldn’t give me any details other than the phone number of the phone in question. My whole way to the hospital I tried to imagine every possibility that could explain why my sister’s phone was at the accident location, and she wasn’t. After all the person I was going to identify at the hospital couldn’t be her. It couldn’t possibly be her. We had lived together our whole lives, and we had so many years left to live. We were experiencing the love of a daughter for the first time. My sister who could not have kids of her own, had rejoiced for the last year the joy of being an aunt to my own child. My daughter who is only one, continues calling her “tia” to this day. We were stolen, stolen of years and memories, that can’t be replaced.

  69. My elder brother was shot and killed o the 5march 2017, we were not really close but we did speak from time to time, loved him to bits, he was a very funny guy. I received a call at about 1am that he had been shot and when I got to the scene his lifeless body was laying on the ground. I can’t take the picture out of my mind. I immidiatly got into projects that mode, organizing that his body gets transported home and arranging the funeral, I didn’t want my mom to deal with all the stress or any of my siblings to see me cry. Felt like I have to be strong for them so I don’t think I actually ever cried. I speak about him a lot but I’m always so calm don’t it as if he is still alive. I feel bad that I didn’t cry for him at his funeral and that I kept postponing going to visit him. Now tears creep in whenever something happens like a simple bad day, I cry myself silly. I don’t know how I feel really

  70. hie…i lost my sister on the 26th of December 2015..i cant seem to be able to move on from the pain…the wounds are sooooo fresh seeing two siblings chat or walk together actually affects me now,i get jelous and wish and wish if only my sister was still around too…iv only just begun to find courage to accept that i have a problem hence iv started looking for solutions on the internet..more like therapy…upto now in family we have not yet sat down and actually shared our grief together…i really want to but somehow i feel like i might arouse more grief on my parents….

    im hoping this page helps me…because i need help

    • Hi there

      You may have to grieve by yourself. My only sibling passed away on October 2015 but every time I get emotional in trying to talk about her my mother stops me and closes it down. I understand to cry all the time about her daughter is painful but I need/needed to do it outwardly sometimes. So I have to be sad by myself and accept she has other ways to grieve. For her it is prayer that has kept her for the last two years.

  71. I lost my younger brother on May 22, 2017 in a car accident. He was 15. I’m 19. I have not felt the same since it happened and on the worst days all I can imagine is the sound of my parents crying and screaming as they identified his body at the funeral home. I chose not to see him because I didn’t want that to be the last time I saw him. Five months later and I still cannot recall the last thing I ever said to him but I do remember one of the last conversations we had and how it was about him wanting to name his future daughter after me. One of the worst parts following his death was definitely the backlash from the media because the minute they realized three teenagers were in a car together, it automatically meant they weren’t being safe. My brother was riding passenger and wearing a seatbelt and the only peace I get is knowing that he died immediately on impact and didn’t feel anything. I miss him so much and I’m really looking forward to the day I can look at pictures of him without feeling like I’m suffocating. Thank you for this post. It’s the first time I haven’t felt alone since it happened.

  72. Hey there. My sister died about 2 weeks ago in a car accident along with the love of her life at the age of only 18. I am 16 years old and have just lost my best friend. She was in her way back home in a car with her boyfriend when they crashed.my sister fought in icu for 3 weeks before she died. They where planning to leave about 2 days ago on a plane to the no phi phi don islands in Thailand to start there career as scuba diving instructors and travel the world . I feel like every time something funny is said or I get exited about something I just get brought back to the fact that I don’t have my best friend with me anymore. I don’t have her advice which I’ll need. Her name Samantha.id give up everything I have on this earth just for 5 seconds with her.

  73. My heart is heavy reading all these comments, but sadly comforted in the fact that others feel the same excruciating and immobilizing pain that I do. My younger sister Kate was diagnosed with Acute Myeloid Leukemia on Valentine’s Day, and after a cancer journey that felt like lifetimes, she died 5 months later. It’s been almost 3 months since her death and I still find myself going to text her or walking in to her room to tell her something, only to find an empty space where she should be. While I believe that Kate was created to only live her very full 13 years of life, I can’t help but dwell in all the things she won’t get to experience – and all the things I was supposed to help her with as her older sister. I know that I will learn to live with this grief, but it still physically hurts to be without her. Hopefully someday it won’t hurt like this.
    Much love to all those who know this pain.

  74. Thank you for this post. Last Friday, 9/29/17, I lost my little sister in a car accident. She was only 21 years old and so full of life. She had so many opportunities ahead of her in life and none of this makes any sense. She was my very best friend and just knowing that there are so many things that she will miss out on in the future hurts so bad. I know that God needed her more than we did, but it just wasn’t enough time. These past few days have been almost unbearable, but my family and I have had so many people reaching out and praying for us so I know we will get through this, it’s just going to take time and a lot of healing.

  75. I lost my brother almost 2 years ago November 20th not even 2 months after his 40th birthday. He was the most loving person you could ever meet. He was my very best friend. Someone I could talk to about anything. Him and his wife and my nephew live beside me so me and him were inseparable. We did everything together. Unfortunately him and his wife were having some problems so he was staying with one of our friends. He was devastated. He had only seen his son a few times since he had left home. The last time he seen him was his 40th birthday and they had a ball together. The day he passed was the weekend to get his son. As a suprise our friend picked his son up and when they walked in to suprise him he was dead. My nephew was 14 years old. I cant imagine the hurt that came over him. They were each others world. When I hot to the house I ran in to see what was going on. Only to see my brother lying on his bed with dried up foam in his mouth. That is the image I have when I close my eyes. He was my protector, my big brother and now he’s gone and I am so very lost. I still cry. Im still greiving even after almost 2 years. Watching them put my best friend in the ground did something to me. It broke me. A piece of me died with him that day and im not the same person I was and I don’t know how to get me back. Im so lost abd lonely and depressed. I feel like everybody has moved on and im stuck in the same place I was that day.

    • I am so sorry. Truly. I don’t have the words to comfort you but just want you to know I’m sorry. My brother is 39, he is alive but was diagnosed with a rare form of brain cancer and has been given 3-5 years. It’s unknown. I try not to think of the future without him but I’m scared. He is the only person that truly knows me and I struggle to think of my life without him. I don’t have a lot of true friends. I don’t feel like people understand when I tell them my brother is sick. He’s not just my brother, he is more than that. Anyway, I am so sorry you are in this. I started to say “going through this” but it feels wrong somehow.

  76. I lost my only brother in March this year after a six-year battle with cancer and already I agree with so many points on this post. He was only 17 at the time and I was 19 and I really struggle to comprehend what’s happened because it’s just so unfair. This feeling of unfairness has overshadowed most of my life and I really see what you mean how we experience ‘missed opportunities’. I feel this so deeply because although I now grieve that I never got to share his 18th with him, or hit adult milestones with him, I still grieve about all the things he never got to do when he was alive, because he was so sick. It brings feelings of guilt to a whole new level, especially how you mentioned we feel guilty for being the one that survived, I still feel so guilty for being the healthy sibling. You are right, there aren’t many support recourses for siblings but for once I find myself agreeing with most things on this post, because its so honest, you don’t try and play down the harsh reality of sibling death.

  77. I found two months ago that my baby brother died. He was gone two weeks before I found him at the medical examiner’s office. They had identified him but didn’t care to notice because he is one of the many who have been dying to overdosing on heroin mixed with other drugs. He was born when I was 16 years old and he was always like my own. I tried to give him a long leash after our mom died and he went to live with his dad. His dad basically started him in this lifestyle. Now that we have the death certificate, I have to stop denying that he’s actually gone. He will never bug me again. He will never call and say Hey sis- sorry I haven’t called. I miss his ladies man smile. His laugh. His passion for helping others. What will I do this year without him to serve the needy on Thanksgiving? He was 24 short years old.

    • Wow I’m so sorry for your loss
      Like you I too found my baby brother and only sibling who was 9 yrs younger than me dead from the same horrible drug that was laced with deadly fentanyl on Aug 2nd this yr
      He was just 24 yrs Old and I miss him so much
      My heart aches deeply he had been clean and relapsed
      My children also are grieving as he would come stay with us to stay away from that group of people
      I seen him the night before he passed and wish I would have said so many things I’ve been told I’m grieving to much and should be moving on by now but my heart just can’t

      • No one can tell you how, or how long to grieve. Each one of us are different. It takes time. You never really get over, you just learn to deal with it! So, you take all the time that you need. We laugh, we cry. Just pray and try to carry on……..within your own time!! Be bless

      • Reading your post, I thought I was reading my own story. My older brother passed away August 3; because of the same; heroin laced with fetnal. I feel your pain and am sorry for your loss. My brother was supposed to go to rehab the next day. I remember having to wait for the autopsy to come back to find out that it was laced. As angry as I was, I found relief in this; knowing that he didn’t overdose. He had a history of attempted suicides. It was just before his 32nd birthday, we are only four years apart. I didn’t have that close of a relationship with him, that’s the one thing that I find I struggle with the most right now. That and that he never got to meet my baby boy born a week before he passed. I wish we were closer, I go to the cemetery to see him and talk to him to try and keep that relationship. He had a 13-year-old son, who I am just devastated for but have no idea how to help him.

  78. I find comfort in this post. I’m 19 and lost my 16-year-old brother when he drowned in the Atlantic Ocean June 11, 2017. If you search his name (Eric Clark), the news articles are some of the very first returned results, to give some insight as to how public the tragedy was. My life and family changed forever, in the blink of an eye. I’m commenting to share, to let other siblings like me know they are not alone, and to extend my support. Sending my love to each and every one of you living with a hole in your heart in which only your lost sibling could fill… Kyla

  79. I find comfort in this post. I’m 19 and lost my 16-year-old brother when he drowned in the Atlantic Ocean June 11, 2017. If you search his name (Eric Clark), the news articles are some of the very first returned results. My life changed forever, in the blink of an eye. I’m commenting to share, to let other siblings like me know they are not alone, and to lend my support. Sending my love to each and every one of you living with a broken heart, in which only your lost sibling could fill… Kyla.

    • Hi kyla,

      I lost my 22 year old brother on the 3rd March 2017 unexpectedly and I’m 25. I have not found anyone who could share in what I’m going through. If you feel the same , feel free to get in touch . Xx

      • Xenye,
        I can relate to you as my sibling was younger than I and we were about 2.5 years apart. It’s very hard at times. Some days I don’t even believe my brother is gone. How are you doing today?
        Kyla

  80. Good afternoon everyone. It has been one week today that i lost my younger sister 51 to a massive heart attack. It is still a shock to me and im still having a hard time dealing with it. We have had some differences, and was getting our relationship back on track. We had been estrange for 7 years, and i saw her for the first time in August again and we were just starting to talk again. I had even invited her to my daughter in law and feature daughter in laws baby showers in Oct. When i saw her in August at my ex-husband house, she was here with her husband, i broke the ice and started the conversation first. And the same 2 weeks later. I planned her furneral, and it was on Wednesday Sept 13th, and then my birthday the next day. Her 4 children are still in shock, so that is why i took on the funeral planning. I never dreamed that i would be burying my little sister. We have a older brother, who i had not seen since 1988, so i feel like right now, my sister is all i had. And now with her gone, i have no siblings. Alot of people that have never lost a sibling, don’t understand how we feel. Like a tell everyone, loosing a mother, father and grandparents, the feeling is alot different from loosing a siblings. It hurts, and with me, it like when she died and drew her last breath, part of me went with her. Even though im here and Im still alive and i wish i could have at least told her that i love her, a part of me is gone too. It will never been the same again. My husband has lost a sibling too, so he knows where im coming from, but like i told him, he didnt have to plan a funeral. My mom died in 1970 when i was 12 and she was 4. My grandmother (my mom’s mom) took us and raised us, untill i got married and then my sister came to live with me after i got marrie at 10 years old, and lived with us untill she got married and moved out. I was there for her, through the birth of 4 beautiful children. And im glad that they had their mother into adulthood, and that my sister got to see her 1st granddaughter. There will always be a big hole in my heart that i dont think will every heal. And some i of the suggestion that hat have suggested on here, i have been there, as far as the feelings and emotions. And yes i wonder why im the surviving sibling, and yes i have thought am i going to go the same way she did, and yes i am afarid that im going to loos another family member. I know she is in a better place and she is with family and friends that have gone on before us and she is having a wonderful time. Her birthday is coming up here in a couple months, and it know its going to be hard on me.Like i said its been a week today and i thinking she will come through the door. Loosing a sibling is hard, cause they are a part of you and now she ‘s not coming back.

    • Barb, your story sounds so much like mine. My younger sister went into the hospital August 14th. ( Our mothers birthday) She was at work and she collapsed at work. She came around and told a co worker to call mom. My mother arrived at her place of work as they were putting her in the ambulance. My mom asked her to help find her health card. She did as mom could not find it in my sisters wallet. They took my sister to a local hospital and at this point my sister became unconscious. They told my mom it looked like an aneurysm and it didn’t look good. They started prepping my sister to airlift her to another hospital.
      My mother called me with all this information as I live 4 hours away, and I was instantly thrown into a daze. My son picked me up and we drove to the hospital. Without going further into too much detail they did an operation and my hopes were lifted only for a short period of time. My sister never regained consciousness.
      They called my sisters death August 19th.
      We were suppose to go on a wine tour this weekend. She was suppose to come to my new place for a visit. She was suppose to attend my sons wedding next month.
      So yes I am still in disbelief by this. I feel the anxiety, worry, and cry off and on when I think about certain things.
      The group that were going on the wine tour wanted to know if we should cancel. I told them “No” My sister would have wanted us to go and enjoy it as she would have. I’m trying to move forward with life but at times feel guilty. I know it is a normal feeling. It that it is still so fresh in my mind.
      I will miss my sister.

  81. our oldest son took his life last november. he jumped from a 200-ft bridge while away at navy school, where he was working to be a machinest. my husband and i have an 8 and 9 year old, both boys. our oldest was 18. we have not told them what really happened, just that there was a terrible accident. today, while eating lunch with the boys at school, my youngest told me that he was writing a book about his brother, about how he knew awesome yoyo tricks and went to the navy, among other things. he also told me that he is writing about how no one will tell him how he died. after much deliberation, i said i would talk to daddy, but that i didn’t want to lie to him, the truth of how he died is just quite scary and im not sure he is ready for it. he told me he was ok with that, but now i wonder if i really should tell them the truth. he was such a good boy, and a wonderful big brother. he had a lot of issues at his birth moms house (i am his step mom, ive been with his father since he was 3). my husband and i feel that he loved her so much, he didnt want to dissappoint her. she has had many problems of her own, and he handled that life, but he shouldn’t have had to. we spoke to him the night he died, and everything was fine. if i am correct, which i believe i am, he spoke with her after us and he confessed he was failing at school (a common occurance, which is why he attended so many different schools). i realize that some of these points seem irrelevant, but i wonder if they contributed to his suicide? i cannot imagine he would have willingly jumped. he NEVER would have done that to his dad, our boys, even his mom. i feel like we dont have any answers, and we never will, and it scares me to share with the boys.

  82. thanks for doing this page. i lost my older sister 2 years ago to breast cancer when she was 28 i had an op 2 days before she passed away so i didnt get chance to say goodbye..and i miss her soo much there was only 4 years between us but we was always togethor weither at each others houses or on the phone. i feel like i cant really show my grief to my mum as she lost her child and she was only my sibling and your expected to be just be strong for them so the forgotten morner does come into play on that one..so i feel guilty whenevr i do and funnilly enough i felt the guilt of why wasnt it me at the time? my son talks about her all the time which is as expected cause hes only young but it breaks my heart and itll be her 30th birthday on friday the 15th of september so its feeling like im grieving all over again.

  83. My brother Tom Pottebaum at the age of 22 took his life on February 18, 1989. He died 2 weeks after i was supposed to pick him up from college in Ames, Iowa. He didnt want to go home with me that night because i got there tok late!! I felt for years …if only i could havw brought him home that night he would still be alive today…talk about survivors guilt for years. I was the last one in my immediate family to see him alive. It took a lot for me to realize that…he would have done it anyway regardless of what i did that night…i dont think you can stop a suicide unless the victim tells someone…essentially – it’s up to them to go through with it or not…just my thinking…this comes from a personal experience from attempting suicide myself…

  84. Wow. Reading these post and seeing just how many people have lost their sibling(s) literally makes me weak. It’s heart breaking. I lost my only sibling 26 years ago. My brother was 18, three years older than me. He was my best friend, my idol, my everything. It was a total shock to me. I can remember listening to a song on the radio and then turning it off and then just laying on my bed in silence for a while. Sometime later my phone rang. There was a voice on the other end saying, your brother just got shot. I can’t remember what else they said. My response was “No he didn’t, stop playing on my phone. ” and I hung up. They immediately called back and said it again. I repeated, “No he didn’t” and they said “don’t you hear the ambulance?” They told me they were at the high school sock hop. I denied a final time and hung up. Laid back on my bed again and cried. I had to gather myself enough to go tell my mom without breaking down , which was inevitable. After watching her fall apart in disbelief we put ourselves together enough to make it to the hospital. I don’t know which part was the worst, waiting to see him, seeing him with his eyes taped shut and a breathing tube down his throat, or being told he was recovering and sitting on the floor in the hallway waiting for him to come out (seemed like an eternity. Just to be sent to another room full of dying people on life support machines following my mom who could tell which body was my brothers from the bottom of his sockless feet. I can replay the entire day like watching a horror movie. From the time I was in school that day and talking to him on the phone after contemplating going home because my zipper broke. I got to tell him I love him , but I should’ve gone home. That way I would’ve seen him before he left or been able to stop it from happening somehow. (his death). Like I was saying my brother was the best thing to ever come into my life. Next to my maternal grandparents. My grandmother and my brother we’re my support system. Paw paw passed when I was 9. My grandmother passed 16 years ago. She my brother and I were like the three amigos. Always telling jokes, making each other laugh, providing each other with moral support and hanging out shopping, just enjoying life. Anyhow sad to say I haven’t been the same person since brothers death. (Cutting short my life story)
    I still haven’t gotten over it. I found this website because I am trying to find out how to let him go, how to let go of my pain and confusion and anger. Because it’s caused me to not be able to love anyone and I do mean anyone Completely. If I don’t push people away then I find ways to hurt them and that’s not what I want to continue do. I want to be able to give and receive love, the way I was taught to and not go bazerk when someone does something I don’t understand or like.
    I’m a loving person but I just feel used and unappreciated because out of all the kindness I’ve shown to people ( one being my mother) who I always wonder why I was left here with because she was and is nothing like my brother and grandmother. My support and loyalty and genuine love has never been reciprocated without her knowing she would receive something in return.

  85. My brother drowned 47 years ago. He was 8 and I was 9 at the time. I loved and still love my brother very very much. I feel so guilty though because I was not always good to him. I didn’t want to give him a hug as he left for summer camp because I was too shy in front of my friends. I was anxious for him to leave so my friends and I could go swimming at the pool. God how I wish I could hug him now. That still haunts me to this day and just breaks my heart. No matter how many years pass by, you’ll always, always miss your sibling.

  86. Both my brothers passed away on the 8th of August 2017 due to drowning.

    I was back in my home country when that happened. They passed away in foreign land.

    I still cannot believe I have lost 2 brothers (14 and 16 years old) when I am bearly 18.

    The process of waiting for all sorts of reports so that the body can be transported back was the most disturbing

    • I am so sorry to hear if this tragedy in your life. Your two brothers at the same time. I encourage you to get support professionally like through hospice. It would be very very hard to go through this alone. Prayers to you.

  87. Hi all. I lost my little brother 1 week ago. He is my best friend too and only 15 years, while im 21 yo. I live on different city because i have to go to college and only go home every 5 months. He passed away 7 days after i arrived home. During the 1 week before he died., i always hang out with him. Waitung until 2.30 when he came from his school and planned to eat and finding every fancy olace to go. On 12 August, 1 day before he passed away, i took a long tri pi with him. We go to several food stores and he loves it so much. He said hes very happy. And i still cant believe hes not here anymore. He drowned due to swimming practice on 13 auguts 16.30. Its very hard. It hurts the most. I also cant let tears fall down because my parents will sad. I m feeling alone because i cant tell anyone here at home since i dont want my parent to feel sad too.

    Please pray for my little brother and my family

    • I can totally understand your feeling.
      Both my brothers were drowned too, recently.
      It was shocking, considering they were young.

      Will pray for your brother.

      • I find it hard to believe all these drownings one week away. People making up these stories need help! But not on this forum.

    • Im sorry for your loss, I understand how you feel my sister died in march this yr. Its hard to talk to my siblings about it bc they become upset so I keep quiet. Feel better! I also lost a brother in 911. He was my best buddy! He was 39, and he was older than me by 2 years…he taught me so many things. I get it but in time you will learn to cope. Be well and safe!

  88. My sister passed away July 26 2017 a week ago she was 39 years old with 2 children 4 and 6 they don’t know exactly why she passed gotta wait for autopsy results my grief is unbearable I’ve lost my best friend my right arm we are only a year and a half apart we did everything together I had a child at 17 she was there and walked with me through all of it I just don’t know how to deal with this my heart is so broken now I have 6 kids whom witch they love there Aunt so very much and now I have 8 kids because I could never be without my niece and nephew

  89. My sister passed away July 26 2017 a week ago she was 39 years old with 2 children 4 and 6 they don’t know exactly why she passed gotta wait for autopsy results my grief is unbearable I’ve lost my best friend my right arm we are only a year and a half apart we did everything together I had a child at 17 she was there and walked with me through all of it I just don’t know how to deal with this my heart is so broken

  90. I’m 21 and my sister is 16. We have different dads, but our mom has had custody of us our entire lives and my sister and I are very close. Yesterday, her 2 1/2 year old brother on her dad’s side drowned in the backyard pool her dad and stepmom had. All I want to do is protect my sister but I don’t know how. She shouldn’t have to deal with this at her age. I don’t know what to do, I love her so much, and my entire family is grief stricken.

  91. My 31 year old sister died unexpectedly on July 24th, 2017. She was the mother of 3 young kids, 2 boys and 1 little girl. I am overwhelmed with sadness, hopelessness at times, numbness, fear and more sadness. She was working at a nursing home, outside about to lead an aerobics class for some of the patients. She was fatally struck by a car being driven by someone who mistook the gas for the brakes. My sister pushed some residents out of the way, saving them with her own life. She is a hero. I wish she never would’ve gotten that job. I wish she wasn’t walking outside at that time. I wish she wouldn’t have pushed the others out of harms way. I have so many resentments and am consumed with worries about her children. I wish I could have them but it’s not an option right now due to their living parent. I want the memory of my sister to live on forever. She was a bright shining soul who was never unkind to anyone. She was the best mom I ever saw. She was absolutely gorgeous. I hate that this happened. I want my sister back.

  92. I have a different situation. My sister and I were seperated when I was about 5 and she 8. I never got to know her. I met her again when I was 40 but it was hard to bond. It was nice having a big sister though. Now 20 yrs later she passed away yesterday and I dont know how I feel. I am named in the obituary as a sister. I dont know if I am suppose to grieve or what. I could cry when i think about her being gone but we werent really together. can anyone relate

  93. I sit here reading all the posts, I feel for all of you. I am not yet in your shoes but will be soon. My baby sister Racheal who is 48 years old has small cell lung cancer that has metastasized to her liver and now they think her brain. The Dr. has already told us all we are doing now is giving her a little bit more time with the chemo but as soon as the chemo stops the cancer starts to grow again and more spots are found. Soon the chemo will stop working. I have 3 sisters, 2 older 1 younger. The 2 older ones are very close and me and Racheal are very close. Both our parents are gone and I just don’t know how I am going to deal with it when she leaves me. I am the one to go to all the Dr. visits, scans, chemo and radiation. We are very close. She has 3 children, 2 sons and 1 daughter. They are young adults. Her oldest son is in collage, he wont take a break because he wants his mother to see him graduate before she dies so he has doubled up on his courses so she can see him. She has asked me to love and hold her grand Children for her because she will not be here when they are born, she has asked me to be with her daughter and sons when they get married because she wont be here. I don’t know how to feel about all this, I still have her and it is killing me, how will I be when she is gone? I love her so much and she is my best friend… How will I deal with this when she is gone

    • Hello, I’m so sorry to hear about your sister and it’s got to be hard to know that her life is drawing to an end. I don’t usually reply to comments but I think a higher power is at work here. I happen to be watching Dr. Oz, today and I don’t really often but wifi was down for a few hrs. The segment of cancer breakthrough in which involves precision medicine w/ immunotherapy for cancer patients have been unbelievable successful even in patients that have had chemotherapy and unsuccessful. If there’s a chance i encourage you to never lose hope. I will add the link below for you. God bless You, Your Sister, & Family.
      What You Need to Know About Immunotherapy: http://www.doctoroz.com/article/what-you-need-know-about-immunotherapy

    • Hi Becky – my little sister died July 19, 2017. She had colon cancer. She was diagnosed in 2008 – fought for almost ten years. She turned 41 in June. It hasn’t been two months since she died and I can tell you at the beginning it’s an hour by hour thing, and it’s starting to work into a day by day thing. There are three of us – brother 3 years older than me, and my sister was 6 years younger. She and I have sons 4 months apart – her son is in jail right now. There are so many layers to my journey, and I hope yours is much more straightforward. She spent her last ten days in a hospice pain-management facility. She didn’t have a will or POA, so it’s been a real mess dealing with everything. I have no regrets where she is concerned. I made sure to tell her everything I could think of that I wanted to tell her, or that I thought she needed to hear. I always did the best I could for her. So I have that, even if sometimes it doesn’t seem like enough. You’ll be in my thoughts. Give your sister a hug for me. <3

    • Oh Becky, your post hits so close to home. I lost my younger sister and best friend last April from breast cancer that has metasticized to her liver. She was diagnosed as Stage 4 about 18 months before she passed at age 53. Her daughter (my Goddaughter) was engaged at the time she was diagnosed, planning her wedding for a year later. The dr told my sister she had better move it up a year. We threw ourselves into planning a wedding and reception within a 4 month time period. My sister LOVED babies and children, and took care of my daughter as well as several other nieces, nephews, great nieces and nephews, etc. Once my niece was wed, she and her husband tried soooo hard to get pregnant so that my sister could meet her grandchild before it was too late. My niece miscarried twice, then couldn’t get pregnant at all. One month after my sister passed, my niece became pregnant. She is due in February. I’ve been planning a shower for her, and it’s so bittersweet because my sister would have loved helping me with this. I feel like such a baby sometimes, the loss is so overwhelming. I’m dreading Thanksgiving and Christmas. She and I planned Thanksgiving every year. She knew me better than anyone. My advice to you, if I may, is to spend as much time with your sister as you can. Be there for her whenever she needs you. My sister really appreciated that, and I have no regrets because I know I did all that I could for her. God, I miss her. God bless you and your sister, Becky.

  94. I lost my brother, my best friend, 3 weeks ago to lung cancer. I feel like my life has shattered in to a million pieces, that I have lost a part of my heart and my soul. We were supposed to retire together. I want to call him, to text him and I can’t. I was the one who told them to stop resuscitating him at the end, and although it was the right thing to do, I feel awful and I can’t get the images out of my head. I tried everything to advocate for him, I attended all of his appointments, helped take care of him when he was really sick. I tried so hard to get him healthy again. I would never wish him back in the state he was in, the best thing that I could do was let him go. I know it will take time, but I am just so, so sad. We did everything together. How do yo move through this kind of grief?

  95. Hi,
    This article was a great read. I lost my 33 year old younger brother (as well as only sibling) on March 8, 2017. I have experienced every emotion, and then some die to this tragedy. My brother and I were very close. We lost our Dad in 2014, and our Mom is very sick and doctors said her time left is limited. We don’t have a large family and hardly ever see our extended family. Therefore, once my mom passed it would just be my brother, myself and my son left. He also was very close with my son as well. Therefore, when I got the call from my mom that my brother had passed….my world turned upside down. We were prearranging everything for my mom……yet my brother passed. It was all backwards. I can’t even put a word to what I felt the first month or so. I was in denial….this wasn’t real. He had dropped me off at my house after a great dinner not to long before his death. Due to an argument between my brother and his girl, my brother was alone when he passed. His girlfriend at a hotel close by. So by the time his landlord found him, he had been gone for days. The funeral home said we had to have a closed casket service. That makes it so much more hard for me to process he is gone, because I was unable to view his body and let my brain process that he was dead. Anyway I am currently a list soul…still expecting him to knock at my door. I feel that the grieving of my brother is so different from when my dad, grandparents, etc. Passed. Very different and no one understands that. I wish there was a place I could go to find support in the grief of my brother. General groups won’t do the truck because of how different I feel. His death has changed me and my entire look on things. I will never be the same person I was before. I’m just taking one day at a time….trying to see what my purpose is. Before I had a clear plan and outlook. Its like I’m a high school senior all over agai n trying the world on my own for the first time.

    • Hi jen, I just lost my brother who was only 26 unxepectedly too, May 14, 2017. situation similarly I just left him home and he was not speaking to his girlfriend at the time. Finding him in his room two days later keeps coming in my head. I don’t know what to do at times and I think Im going to lose my mind. I need some kind of help to get past this stage of grief.

      • My brother, aged 33, and also my only sibling, passed away suddenly in May. The official “date of death” is May 19th, 2017, however we were told he was deceased for days before the police found him, at the prompt of his landlord and my father, because he had not paid his rent. We were able to have a “private visit” with his body at the funeral home, however it didn’t look like my brother, it didn’t feel real. He was a fiercely intelligent yet humble, funny, kind-hearted human being who we were all incredibly proud of, working in the Canadian federal government straight out of college. We had an amazing childhood. He quit his job in January 2016 due to conflicts with managers, and other things he never shared with us because he felt like he had to “spare” us from everything negative in his life. His mental health began to deteriorate and he was unable to find work, isolating himself from everyone, feeling like he let us down. We tried to help him as much as we could, but he would never accept it. The police tell us it was a drug overdose, mentioning the fentanyl crisis, white powder they found near his body. Besides dabbling in marijuana, he showed absolutely no signs of abusing drugs, ever. It will take 5-6 months for toxicology results to come back to us, which will provide some kind of answers, as his autopsy just established that he was physically healthy when he died. My parents (very fervent Catholics) are viewing his death as an accidental overdose, while I believe he acted to end his own life. I have struggled with mental illness myself in the past and I understood him on this level, saw the anxiety, mental anguish and exhaustion he was going through. He would degrade himself when I saw him, saying that he should be married at his age, with a good career. Every time I told him it was the disease in his head, we all loved him as he was and would do anything for him, and things would get better in time.
        It tortures me to think, which I very often do, of what was going through his head the night he died, isolated from everyone in his lonely apartment. The feelings of guilt at myself for not reaching out more, and anger at the world for how it moulded him and made him see it as unbearable, are overwhelming.
        My brother was the smart one, the one who had his life together. It makes no sense to me: how I feel like I have gone through his same struggle at a different period in my life, and somehow I made it through and I am still here, while he is not.

  96. I recently lost my younger sister, while I was very sick. My health is improving with medical care.
    I will always remember her and carry the memories in my heart. She was always caring when I
    would become ill and would help me. I hope she knows how much I miss her with love.

    I appreciate and thank you for this website.

    • These posts are helpful, it’s going on a year and a half and I’m still hurt, angry, lifeless at times because I lost my beautiful baby sister unexpectedly. I feel like I should have been the one because she left a beautiful 10 year old behind and it kills me to hear her and my nephew asking where she is. I’m not myself and I isolate myself from other people and I don’t want to be like that. I don’t sleep and all I can hear is that phone call over and over. I’m just trying to get my life back just a little. It’s not the same in any way. I miss her so much

  97. I grew up with two sisters (I was the middle child, my older sister was 2.5 years older than me and my younger sister is closer to 3 years younger). My older sister was raped by a friend’s mother’s friend during a sleepover at 15 years old. My older sister was beautiful, popular and one of the kindest people – she never bullied and always stood up for others who were vulnerable, she brought people together: I was an overweight bully who excelled in academics. We loved each other without question and in all are differences were very alike (and butted head and knew how to push each other’s buttons). We never had a older sister/younger sister relationship – we were always peers to each other. After the rape, my sister rapidly declined starting with bulimia and anorexia and then alcoholism and drug abuse. By 20 years old, my sister already had significant liver disease and my parents had remortgaged their house twice to send her to treatment. She was 5’3 and weighed 64 pounds with ascites and when you hugged her, you could feel the bones in her back bend with fragility. After witnessing years of denial, fear and absolute insanity from my parents and my older sister, I left on a scholarship that college 8 hours away. Prior to that, I had witnessed my sister disappear for months without explanation, locked my younger sister in the bathroom and threw my older sister across a room in panic when she was chasing us around the house in some kind of altered state with a butcher knife, watched my dad physically take down
    My older sister and pin her to the floor to control her out of desperation, found my sister passed out in slum houses, tried to keep up with my sister in drinking just so I could be around her, begged my sister to stop if she loved me and being filled with anger when I thought she wouldn’t stop for me, watching my parents in absolute dispare all while having way to much freedom for a teenager because though I was internally completely hopeless, depressed, practicing self-harm and alcoholism, I wasn’t dying and my sister was so my problems were not even acknowledged let alone a priority. During college, I made multiple midnight drives to hospitals near my hometown when I was advised my sister was dying from end stage liver disease. I acknowledge years prior my sisters case my pretty hopeless and she was dying, my parents were in denial until the end. My sister always pulled through somehow however there was no chance of recovering in her condition so it was only a matter of time (patients with liver disease due to chronic alcoholism are not on the top of the list of a transplant list). My sisters last stent in the hospital was bad. Her skin on her legs was literally rotting away, she couldn’t walk, she was almost green in appearance and couldn’t control her bowels. She was 22 years old. I stayed home that summer to care for her in a hospital bed in our old bedroom. I helped bath her, wipe her and cooked for her. Eventually she was able to walk again and when she could, she left my parents home to a trailer park with a man I had never even heard of. I felt so angry, as I got older I realized that was really deep depression. I didn’t see my sister for at least a month when I came home (completely drunk) from a fishing trip with friends. There my sister was in the living room, I was shocked and again, had a deep sense of anger. My sister told me she loved me and I gave her a dirty look and walked out without responding (I was 19). I blacked out that night but fortunately woke up at my parents. As soon as I woke up, all that was in my head was guilt about how I treated my sister. I remember thinking she was dying and I need to go speak with her now and tell her I love her. When I went downstairs I saw her on my parents couch sleeping (both my parents were at work and my younger sister was out getting haircut). I nudged my sister and her whole body rigidly turned. She was dead. All I could remember was a buzzing sound and fullness in my ears and I walked outside in a daze. My sister was not in that house, it was just a lifeless body. In all my numbers, I started hearing a whimpering and felt a warmth on my left leg. I looked down and there was my dog who meant so much to me attached to me. She never left my side and she snapped me back to reality. I remember thinking in my head that I needed to go back inside and take the opportunity to say goodbye to my sister without anyone else around. I went over to the couch and sat at the coffee table in front of it. I told her I loved her and kissed her forehead. I still can’t remember everything and never have been able to. That was in 2004. I called my mom and said briefly, “mom, it’s ______”, my mom must have heard something in my voice because that is all I said and my mom was on her way. I hung up and called my dad who was strangely nearby and told him Kenzie was dead and I had already called mom. My mom got there first and I watched as my mom found her daughter dead. She was yelling so loud and was on top of her body. My dad came in next and I watched as he shrunk into a chair and saw the life literally drain from his body. I think seeing my parents see there daughter dead for the first time was more traumatic then finding her dead initially. I left the living room and went to the phone, I remember knowing I had to wait before calling 911 to give my parents time but I eventually did call and watched as they took her body from the house. My younger sister did not arrive until my older sisters body was gone. To this day, no one really acknowledges what happened that day. Only two years ago, a little over ten years since her death did my mom’s sisters know I found Kenzie dead. I can’t talk to my parents about it and when I try they get very defensive in that they did everything to shield us from what was happening with our older sister so I have stopped trying to talk about it. I have seen a variety of therapists since then, some that specialize in PTSD. I have gotten in significant legal problems due to alcoholism myself after the event. Luckily, I was put in rehab within two years after her death for four months instead of jail, it saved my life and I wish my sister would have had the same opportunity. I am a RN now and work in the substance abuse field. My sister’s suffering was not in complete vain, through the experience, empathy and passion learned throughout this ideal, I have been able to help hundreds of other people struggling with addiction but I still struggle myself. Especially around this time of year. I wish I knew where to start to work through this or find peace in that I never fully with. Or control the way I feel and my impulsive around the anniversary of finding her dead. Every year, I think I am going crazy and don’t know why until I am reminded that on 6/30/2004 at 19 I woke up to an empty house to find my sister dead and then witnessed my parents finding her dead all while remaining completely calm and taking control of the situation because I knew I had to.

    • Bethany, I can relate to your experience.I am so very sorry for your loss.My younger sister just drank herself to death in a 20 month period, after her youngest son shot himself while away at school. She truly believed that she could “find him”.I was with her when she died, and it was a horrible thing to watch.It was July 8 of this year, and I learning to live my life without her in it.It is the most difficult thing I have ever done. I must say though-when her spirit left her body, she was the most at peace that I had seen her in since her liver and kidneys failed her…(actually, technically she failed them). I am happy that you went on to help others and that you are taking care of your own addictions. If you wound up with liver disease, it’s like her life will have been in vain.I decided to stop drinking after my sister died, even though I don’t drink a lot.

  98. I lost my 3yr old little brother on May.29.16. We were at my aunts house who had a swimming pool. Next thing I know I am standing at the hospital and everything looks like a blur. We had adopted him and even though I only had him for 3 years it felt like the candle of joy in my heart had just died. I felt guilty and I felt like I missed opportunities and I felt angry at god and at myself for not looking after him. One thing that this article didn’t put in is that a child watching mother lose her baby is the worst thing in the world. Watching her smile just fade everyday is the worst. It’s almost been a year and it’s harder and this article wrapped up almost everything that I have been dealing with.

  99. I lost my big sisetr on the 27th of December 2016. She died during Labour n her little girl died a few days later. Pain and hurt can not begin to describe wt I hv bn feeling. I relied so much on my sister she took take of me since we were little girls. I was looking forward to receiving our new angel planning a baby shower for the 8th of Jan 2017. We were living together but on 20th of Dec 2016 i travelled to be back in two weeks. While I was away on the 25th she went into Labour she was at the hospital for 2 days n gave birth on the 27th that’s when she bled to death. While I was waiting 4 The call to say the baby is here I receive a call saying the only friend n sister had been snatched from this earth. I haven’t gotten over the shock and guilt of not being with her in that moment. Growing up I ws the weaker sister always sick but her I can count the number of times she was sick, I managed to hv 2 kids bt her being as strong as she was could not survive having 1. I have lost my Faith I am failing to understand what kind of God would put us through this. I see my sister in my dreams telling me I should let her coz she hasn’t moved on, I am trying to bt it has not been easy. I didn’t jus loose a sister but I lost a best friend, confidant, my strength, my adviser n a shoulder to cry on. The biggest thing has bn that the one who would hold my hand thru everything is the one that’s gone.

  100. On the 23rd it will be 6 months since I lost my baby sister Olivia who was 20 years old to a tragic accident. All I can say is that God is getting me and my family through, we’ve had numerous signs and visions of my beautiful sister in heaven. A few months ago my mom went to go hear this preacher and he went up to her and said they say goodbye from heaven, he had no idea we lost someone. Keep faith and keep on pushing because there is an afterlife where you will be reunited with your siblings, I can’t wait for that day, until then I have peace in knowing my sister is cheering me on to make it to the finish line. I recommend this book called, “within heavens gates” by Rebecca Springer…life changing. God wants to use our grief for grace so that others may make it by our stories. ❤️

  101. With high density of sorrow in my mind due to the demise of my younger brother at his 45 years on 08.06.2017. It is an unexpected event in my life. He was a lever patient and suffering from a couple of diseases. On the fatal day, he joined with his parents in heaven at 5.00 pm. I was so shocking; I couldn’t even understand that. Where is he now? Today evening, I had a haunting memory of him. I couldn’t resist the feeling. I didn’t know what to do. Where is he now?

    • Hi Shibu, I am with you here. it’s now 17th October 2017, and I lost my 41 years old brother on the 20th Sep 2017, no even 1 month ago. And I cannot find myself in ‘this world’, this is not ‘the’ world I was living in a month ago. I cannot find my brother in it. I have a folder in my laptop with his name and I have been writing him letters each other day, as a way to do something with my pain and see his name.

      I still haven’t come to terms with him not existing. I saw him deceased, I attended his funeral, there should have been closure, but there isn’t. I am still trying to know what to do with myself in this kind of parallel reality that doesn’t feel real at all.

  102. My younger brother died unexpectedly on April 28th 2017. No one had heard from him for 9 days so we called the police. After a few hours the police came to our house to tell us that my brother has passed away at his home. Foul play and suicide were ruled out. The cororner and pathologist are involved in my brother’s death as an autopsy did not show cause of death. A special blood test had to be done to look for a cause. We r still waiting for the results. My life will never be the same. There is a hole in my heart where my brother was. I am very traumatized and cannot wrap my brain around it.

    • My younger sister passed the same unknown way. She was alone nearly two weeks. It’s so horrible to think about. I wish I had answers

  103. Three weeks ago today I lost my older brother. I’m 17, he was 18. He committed suicide. Everyday I feel so sad because we used to talk about everything to each other and he never mentioned that he was not in a good place and never reached out to me for help. I know it’s not my fault, but I just can’t believe none of my family realised anything was wrong. I feel so sad thinking about all the things we would have done together in the future and I still feel so much pain realising that I will never do these things with him. I don’t know if this feeling will ever go away but I miss him so much it hurts. I just feel so sad thinking that his final moments must have been so horrible. No one that I know closely has ever lost a sibling so it’s so hard to talk to my friends because they don’t understand, and I don’t expect them to. It’s just so hard watching the world carry on around you and see people carry on with their normal lives meanwhile my life has been changed so dramatically forever. I’ve been finding it really hard to accept his death because I miss him so much and my mind keeps wandering, thinking maybe it didn’t really happen and maybe there is some way you could go back in time and change things. I know it’s not a healthy way to deal with things and I know I need to accept that he’s died and I will never see him alive again but it’s so hard to imagine it because I have the rest of my life ahead of me, and so far he’s always been a part of it and now suddenly he’s not. I know i’ll be okay eventually even though I know I will always miss him forever, but I’ve just been reading peoples post and it’s so reassuring knowing there are others out there who understand the pain I feel and who have experienced it before and have said that it will slowly become easier over time.

  104. I lost my big brother April 18, 2017 He was 64 years old. He died from Glio Blastoma (brain cancer). Tragically, his wife had already been diagnosed with the exact same thing almost two years ago. She died March 15, 2017. I am my brother’s trustee so was left to plan two funerals, try to console his two sons (one of whom is emotionally challenged), and sell his home and manage the assets. I feel completely empty and alone right now. He was the only person that always truly understood me. We were a lot alike, still fought sometimes, but always there was intense love and support between us. He would vent to me and I would vent to him. I just don’t know where to go from here. We were supposed to retire together and buy a couple of town homes in the same area and live out our retirement lives together (with my husband and his wife). We were in constant contact every day via text or telephone. I look at my phone now and there’s nothing…no texts from David anymore. Just so incredibly sad.

    • I feel the same. Lost my 54 year old brother to cancer18 months ago. We texted every single day and he was my only sibling. I have no one that understands me like he did. He was my rock. I don’t know how to go on but somehow do. I feel like a limb has been amputated.

  105. My big and only sister 47 (7 years my sister) fought stage 2 breast cancer and come end of September 2016 we thought she had beaten it. She had a month where she was ok and then things deteriorated. At first we thought she had belspalsy as her face dropped and speech was affected but after a few weeks her balance went and she had to walk with sticks, kept falling then within 2 weeks she went completely deaf. I couldn’t sit and chat to my best friend anymore and she couldn’t hear her 6 yr old daughter laugh and sing. December 10th I had to get her an ambulance as she was in so much pain. Brain scans showed nothing but she continued to decline. I spent the next 11 days pretty much with her as my mum was also in hospital at the same time and my dad looked after my niece. My sister started hallucinating and her personality slowly faded away into someone else. Occasionally she would shine through. I watched her deteriorate in front of me eyes. Then we were told the cancer had spread to the lining of her brain. They wanted to try treatment but by then she was so agitated they couldn’t move her. They made her comfortable and good and fluids stopped. I slept beside her at the hospital and only left her for 10 minutes at a time – I didn’t want to leave her alone. Her daughter came in with my mum and dad on the 21st December so that my niece could say goodbye. My sister was heavily sedated now. They left and I stayed with my sister – I wouldn’t leave until she did. Later that afternoon she died and my world collapsed. My heart broke and I don’t know how it will ever heal. Ive lost my best friend and sister. We were supposed to grow old together. I’ve not had much time to myself as had to arrange everything as my parents couldn’t, my mum is destroyed by this. I’m now mum to my niece and had no children of my own. My work had to change to more suitable hours in a different department. I now live in my sisters house with my niece and currently fighting her absent for 5 years Turkish dad and as after he heard of my sisters death decided he wanted my niece (and her money).
    This isn’t my life, I don’t want this life. I want my sister back. I’d switch places with her if it would bring her back. I can’t forget how much she suffered and I couldn’t do anything to help her but hold her hand and cuddle her. There were times I had to restrain her when she got agitated and tried to pull out her tubes and I hated myself for having to do that. I miss her so much and the pain is like nothing I’ve ever experienced. I’d rather not be here anymore, I’d rather be with my sister but I can’t as she wanted me to look after my niece and it would kill my folks. I’m forced to live a life I don’t want and isn’t mine and everyday miss my sister and despite people around me I just feel so alone. I also look at my family and at the moment I couldn’t care less if everyone else died – it’s like my facility to love my family is no longer there. I feel nothing – I don’t know why but I feel nothing for them and everything for my sister. I’d give up the rest of my family to have her back. I know that’s horrible but it’s how I feel. My life is forever changed and I hate it.

    • Alina your post broke my heart. My brother was my best friend. He was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer and moved in with me to die. He lasted 7 months. I value that time we had but it was horrid to watch and deal with. I miss him every day and can’t imagine life without him. It’s been 18 months and although it’s “better” I still want him back and would do anything to have him back. We texted every morning over coffee and at night too. We lived together most of our lives. Siblings are so overlooked when grieving. People always ask how my mom is doing…what about me? Thanks for sharing as it makes me feel a little normal

    • The amazing thing about what you said is that I totally got you . You don’t need to apologize for saying it . It’s THAT painful ! I felt like when you were describing your relationship and love for your sister you were talking about my brother Ricky and I . Amazing Amazing friendship ! Nothing even close and I have two amazing Best Friends !
      But Ricky was my biggest fan and I was his . Always there to say something kind to me or anyone and make them smile with a silly one liner or something . He was cool ! I miss him , he passed on May 22, 2017. Unexpectedly from multiple myeloma . I love you Ricky your sister Amber

  106. I lost my only sister a few months ago down to Sudden Death Syndrome. I have had no idea how to be able to grieve properly as I am only 20 years old so this type of life experience is new to me. With the death being sudden and completely unexpected, it took us 2 months after the death for us to be able to find out the cause therefore we couldn’t have her funeral until we knew the cause. Those two months were the hardest, being stuck in limbo whilst trying to grieve at the same time. But like I said I still have no idea really how to address the fact that my sister is no longer with me. I am sad yes but I think I am more confused and lost than anything and to be honest I am a little worried if the grief is going to hit me later on in life like a brick wall.

    • I was also 20 when I lost my sister – that was 7 years ago now. She was 18 and it was also sudden, for her the cause was SUDEP (Sudden unexpected death in Epilepsy). I feel for you and your uncertainty about the way to grieve. I can’t say I have the answer but I completely relate to that- at 20 I had no friends who had experienced anything like it, and most people’s thoughts and attention were with my parents. I didn’t know what to do. She was my only sibling. Looking back I wish i’d done some more soul searching… I think i was in such shock that I repressed my feelings rather than address them. I wish you all the best.

  107. I lost my elder brother 40 years ago, on 3 June. He died in a dreadful car crash and seemed to take my future with him. He was highly intelligent and quite good looking; certainly girls seemed to like him. Back then there was no grief councilling, or if there was it hadnt reached the north west of England, where we lived at the time and though our little brother was given a lot of leeway I certainly wasn’t. I had to grow up and comfort my parents and brother. It was very difficult and in many ways stunted my emotional development. I was 17 for years and even now, getting on for 60, the affects of his abrupt disappearance still resound for little bro and I. We don’t ever expect any relationship to last and I am convinced that something awful will happen to people I love. I wonder if I will ever really be free of that car crash and the damage it did all of my family.

  108. My brother Patrick died two years ago of a drug overdose. The last 10 years of his life were filled with turmoil and pain. The last 4 years of his life were in-survivorable. His substance abuse started in his early teens and so did his emotional and physical abuse of others. Patrick managed to maintain and create new relationships despite the fact the most important ones in his life were either crumbling or destroyed. Like most drug addicts, Patrick was able to be codependent and carry the role of caregiver. He would cook and clean for others to survive without working. Until the very end our mother had faith that Patrick could survive. It got to the point where he knew if she stayed with him in his last weeks alive she would either find him dead or would find him holding onto life and would take whatever measures required to keep him on this earth. He forced her to leave his side so he could embark on the end of his life alone.

    Patrick died one day after his 36th birthday. He was two weeks sober, having spent time in the hospital. Upon his birthday he reconnected with his dearest and oldest friends. He ate well, told old stories and was hopeful of his own road sobriety. Patrick experienced a natural high, a feeling one isn’t accustomed to feeling after a decade of hard drug abuse. The next morning, that feeling was gone. And the fact was he knew it would take too much to feel that good and that loved. Patrick lashed out at those around him that morning. Started arguments, insulted those around him and holed himself into a room and came to the conclusion he was going to use. He didn’t know that would be his last bad decision. He didn’t know that last cocktail of heroin and meth he shot into his failing body would kill him. He didn’t know he was destroying his family. That he would be killing part of his little sister, his little brother or his parents. He just knew he wanted to feel better.

    Two years later, we remain the same. Withdrawn, isolated and as siblings the original set has been broken. There’s a missing part of the our trio. We resent our parents for not doing enough. We are angry when our mother says “I’m Patrick’s Mom”. We are utterly furious he could be so selfish, so mean and narcissistic as to leave us here with all of the pain. The truth is he experienced far worse pain, every minute of every day. Until that last moment when the pain was gone.

  109. I lost my baby brother and only sibling on the 20th of November last year. It’s nearly 6 months and the grief I feel consumes me.
    The thing is I never wanted to live and now I’m stuck living a life I hate and feeling so alone and lost because my parents have already lost a child and don’t know how I could do that to them.
    So I’m stuck.
    In limbo.
    Not able to end this life of mine I hate so much.
    But merely existing.
    Thom deserves to be here more than me. He died of a brain cancer which left his body wasted but his brain conscious of everything happening around him. It was gut-wrenching

    • Libby I am sorrow struck to hear this.. I am crying for what I would feel for my brother if he had to endure that. Please think about how he would want you to carry on in his place.. i am sure you already thought about that a million times in 6 months. My brother killed himself just a few weeks ago Libby… all I can think is how crushed he would be if I did that too… for their sake we gotta keep going till one day.. please one day let it get easier. Libby stay tough… be in the world he was denied, what would he have wanted to do? Travel to Thailand or surf or…. is there something you can do in his memory? I hope you find strength to do what he would have wanted for himself and or for you. We must choose to live Libby.
      -Jenny

    • Libby, I understand how you feel. I lost my baby brother almost 8 years ago. Sometimes it feels like a million years ago and other days as though it was yesterday. No one seems to understand the pain of losing a sibling and they act as though there should be no pain. The pain is so overwhelming at times it feels like an ocean and I feel like I’m drowning. A part of me died that day. Even though I was 44 at the time (he had just turned 38) another part of my childhood also died. We were friends, we were enemies, we hated each other and yet we loved each other. We felt like killing each other at times, but yet no one else should ever mess with the other one. His anniversary would have been June 10. As I walked down the aisle as one of the bridesmaids I looked at him and he winked at me. The tears began to flow and they didn’t stop. The night he left us after an almost 5 year battle with rectal cancer, I promised him once again that I would take care of him by making sure our family would be ok. My prayer is that I haven’t disappointed him. My prayers are with you Libby.

  110. Reading all of these posts has helped me because I realise that Im not alone in the way that I’m feeling. I lost my sister, who was my soul mate, mum and best friend nearly 21 yrs ago. I miss her so much. I struggle with an eating disorder as a result. I constantly beat myself up. I wish that it had been me that died in the car accident instead of her. I’d of hoped in that way it would have been easier on the family. I’m nothing compared to her. I am destroying my own life as a result yet I achieve so much….nothing is good enough. I long to have one last hug with her. I relate certain foods to her and don’t eat them as a result… It’s too painful. Yet again I find myself seeking help. I hope that it will help me to live my life for her as I have that opportunity… At the same time I feel guilty though. I hope that by eating the foods I associate with her I’ll be able to let go and move on to a healthier and happier life.

  111. I am sorry for the losses that you all have decided to share. I have recently found myself grieving the loss my twin sister. We are 44. I am her brother. In a way it still doesn’t seem real. But I am feeling the void, the twin connection I had with her. I am sad that I was not able to do and say more to her. I am sad that I will not be able to do and say more to her. I just can’t properly express my feelings right now, it’s only been less than 2 weeks since I lost her.

    • I am so sorry for your loss. I am not a twin but I lost my older sister a little over a month ago. She was 49. It was sudden and unexpected. My mother had been trying to call and text her all morning and I went to her house to check on her two dogs and I found her dead on her sofa. She had died the night before. The autopsy report said she died of a heart attack. It hurts so much. I miss her so much.

  112. I lost my brother 25 years old on 25th April 2017 it was such a horrible day. A car accident we could do nothing at all. Just pray for him he shall always live in my heart people pass away but memories always remain.

    • Im so sorry for your loss. I lost my younger brother on the 11th of June 2017 from a tragic accident, he was just 18. After staying with him unconscious for almost 4 hours they had to then the machines off. I hate living without him I just know this isn’t going to get any easier. There’s so many unanswered questions I have. Where do you to from here? I believe his tried to let me know his still here but I want him back

  113. My baby sister died on the day she turned a month old 1 month and 2 days ago from SIDS I wish I could of protected her.She didn’t live long I could’ve spent more time with her thank you for this post it has helped me understand more.Alot of my friends don’t understand so its good I can read this and know what else is happening.

  114. I lost my older sister when I was 15 and she was 18. She was murdered while working an overnight shift at her job. It’s been almost 5 years and it hurts more now than the day it happened. I miss her more than anything. She was my best friend.

  115. I lost my big brother 4 months ago. He was a 16 year cancer survivor that caught pneumonia for the last 6 months of his life in both his lungs and his lungs shut down. Throughout the years we never lived together but always kept in touch. He was about 12 years older than me. we had the same father, and along with him I have 2 other older brothers, the youngest of the 3 died 18 years ago, the oldest is still alive, but neither of them meant as much to me as the one I just lost 4 months ago, as terrible as that sounds. Frank was the only one who reached out to me from time to time, who made any effort to try and see me or be there for special occasions. Frank was the glue to my other family members, and now that he’s gone I feel like I lost more than just my big bro, but that I lost the rest of my family. Family meant everything to him, and he tried to always get everyone together while he was alive. I feel like I took the time for granted while he was here because he survived for 16 years when he was first diagnosed with cancer and the doctors only gave him 1 year, maybe I should have made more of an effort to see him more, or be there for the good times, and not only when I got a phone call that he was sick and or in the hospital. And now that he’s gone there’s no getting that lost time, lost opportunities back…. and its eating up inside of me. The other family members that I no longer speak to I’ve tried to fix that and try to be in there lives, but I feel like its only me trying, only me reaching out, and it gets tiresome. Its bad enough that I lost the most important man in my life, but them too… but then I say to myself… they weren’t really there while he was alive, so I really only lost the best big bro ever. No matter what I do, no matter what I try to do… its never gonna bring him back or get the lost time back, but I’ve been finding it hard to be happy, and move on with my life and continuing to live and keep him alive within me. I’m so depressed. I don’t know how to let him go. I will be 40 years old this year and it will be the first time I don’t get a HBD baby sis from him, no more text messages, no more calls… and its a hard realization.

    • I’m so sorry for your loss – losing a brother is so hard. My older brother, by 15 months was my rock, I still miss him all the time but I’m thankful that he was so
      Important to me- many people go through life never experiencing the bond we were blessed with. He’s been gone 5 years and there’s that part of my heart that never stops aching. There are days now that I can laugh (and cry) at some of the memories. The memories become such a treasure. Wishing you good memories …

  116. I lost my little sister 2 months ago. My sister was only 19 and she was my best friend. She was born with health issues has over 5 open heart surgery and had so many other health battles that she had won in her short life. This last health battle was so unexpected she was in the ICU for 3 weeks we still don’t know what caused her to get so sick but this would be her final battle. She started recovering and getting better then it all went down hill and was gone. We never expected something like this to happen so suddenly with my sister. She was my everything I saw her everyday and hung out for a few hours a day. I pretty munched raised my sister I feel like I have lost my child. I can’t even explain the pain my whole body aches I even feel it in my bones. I cry everyday I visit her grave 2 or 3 times a week. I can’t imagine life with out my little sister. I feel like I have gone an eternity without her already and it’s only been 2 months. I’m ready to see her again I just want to be with her so bad. How am I supposed to move on from this? The pain is so miserable I don’t know how much longer I can take it. How do you continue to live life with such pain?

    • Dear Autumn,

      I’m so sorry for your loss. I too lost my sister 8 months ago. She was 33 when she passed, and I know she was much older than your sister, but I had always considered her my baby sister. She was 2 years younger, and when we used to fight, I would always remind her that “Even when you are 100-years-old, I would still be 102 and older.”

      My sister died quite quickly from end-stage stomach cancer. Our family didn’t have any history of cancer. Both our parents passed away more than 10 years ago, so my sister was all the family I had. Even though I was the older sister, she was the one who was more matured and more grounded. She was my rock. When she passed away so suddenly, I was in alot of shock and denial.

      All the body pains that you are describing, I had those as well. I had chest pains, back pains, pains in my legs, wrist, bones (I even thought I might have bone cancer), tightness in my throat for 3 months, Irritable Bowel Syndrome. I did alot of blood tests, utrasounds, scans, and they all came back fine. I have been having headaches on my left side, numbness in my left arm, irritation in my left eye for more than 2 weeks now. Everyone tells me it’s due to stress and grief. I don’t know when my life would go back to normal.

      I am not in your exact same shoes, but I have some idea of what you’re feeling. You have to take good care of yourself, because your sister (and other family members) would want you to be happy and continue to live life. Our sisters are no longer suffering and I believe my sister is in a better place. We miss our sisters, but the love, memories and good (and bad) times that we have had with them will never disappear.

      I don’t know if you have a religious belief. Someone once shared this story with me. Suppose you and your sister went to a party. For some reason, your sister had to leave first, but she told you she would see you at home later. She wants you to stay at the party and continue to have a good time. In this case, would you cry or miss her? Some religions teach that we will all re-unite after death.

      I tried to find answers online about “Why” did it happen to my sister, and found the below articles quite helpful. I read everything, whether religions or non-religious and would like to share them with you. I hope you will give yourself time to heal, and do whatever it takes to help you get better and move on.

      http://www.chabad.org/library/article_cdo/aid/1388654/jewish/Why-Do-Some-of-the-Best-Die-Young.htm
      http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/im-heaven-now-brave-boy-9184928

      Hugs,
      Lynette

    • Dear Autum, I lost my youger sister almost the same way she was going into her 5th open heart surgery. There was complications and within 2 weeks she passed, I watched my sister get better and get worse. I know the pain you are going though because i had the same. Not being able to help her, I watch her grow up as I grew up. At the time my sister was 12 and this year she will be 14. the pain never goes away only become mangable

  117. I lost my 54-year old brother on Monday to bone cancer. He has always been and will always be my best friend and the person I have cherished most in my life. The giant hole ripped from my heart will always miss him badly and it will not be filled until we are together again in the hereafter as we were in this life. He was 21 months older than I was and so we shared pretty much everything together – bedroom growing up, our friends, a few girlfriends(!), life’s dreams and downfalls, and our triumphs and tribulations. I am totally and simply lost in extreme sadness. My body and mind keep reminding me of the loss of my brother no matter what I do, and while I am trying to think of all the good and wonderful times we had together as a celebration of his life, I remain paralyzed in frozen sadness. I just can’t stand the emptiness and loneness I am experiencing. I am broken.

    • George …

      Thank you for sharing.
      I lost my best friend my brother on the 26th April 2017 and he was 54 years old.
      I have no idea how I am suppose to keep going. I can’t imagine my life without him in it.
      We did so much together and I just don’t know how to go on.
      I can’t believe that someone so precious can be suddenly taken away, no warning, just gone.
      The shock and the emotional rollercoaster I am on feels like this is what it will be like until I am with him again.
      He was my big brother and I am devastated,. I can’t imagine how to get through his funeral…………
      I can’t imagine anything without him
      Its only 4 whole days and it feels like forever already……:-(

  118. Back in the days I was afraid to die. I was terrified I was unable to go sleep without covering my body from head to toe with a sheet.
    Now after I lost my only brother my baby brother my everything the one who supported the one who looked after me. I feel like nothing matters to me. My brother and I grew up together and he went through hell we grow up without our parents living with relatives , but my pain is not our past life or being rejected from our parents; my pain is the death of my
    Baby brother and words cannot describe how much love I feel for him moreover how much I miss you. Can’t wait to meet again manito . RIP Fernando Ortega 10/292015

  119. Thank you for sharing ?

  120. My brother Matt died on 07/15/16. He was only 39 years old. Him and his wife were coming home from a Harley-Davidson bike night. A truck pulled out in front of them. Matt was killed instantly, his wife was life flighted and is still recovering in a facility. I miss him like crazy. So many years ago when Mom brought him home after giving birth, I was convinced she had brought this precious little boy home just for me. We became best friends, built a trust like no other, got in trouble together, never told on one another. As our childhood grew into adulthood we still gave each other hard times and also true loyal compassion. We talked openly. We kept in contact daily, even during challenged timed. What I wonder is WHY my spouse will not let me grieve? Why does he think that my life will EVER be the same? How can he even think about intamacy right now, AND truly want to have relations? That is the last thing on my mind. My life will never be the same since this beautiful and unique man left my life. He was my brother.

  121. I am so glad to have found this site. I just lost my older brother two days ago and am devastated…..I held his hand and hugged him for 26 hours while watching him die. He had no wife or girlfriend, no children. I had no idea he was so sick; he kept on working up until two weeks ago w/no complaints. Not only am I devastated but I feel so guilty that I was not more supportive of him. I had jealousy issues w/him over the years because our mother really loved and doted on him and did not have much time for me. And I let that jealousy affect how I viewed him sometimes. So now I’m going through this stage of beating myself up for this. I’m glad though that he had that love from our mother all his life. Having that love made him the wonderful person he was.

  122. I LOST MY MOM IN AUG 2012 THEN LOST MY DAD 13 MONTHS LATER , I have a really big family as you no we was all distraught , l have 7 brothers & 3 sisters we all live separate got our own family’s we were all so close , but September this year my brother was killed in a motor bike accident he was married with 1 sibling & 2 step sons was on married 12 months , but I’m so angry I have fell out with half my family even the wife of my brother don’t really want to go in to to much detail , let me just say she’s gone back on her word some days I don’t feel angry but I have had argument with most my brothers even the 1 brother I’m really close too & I don’t even feel guilty about the rows iv had either , because what iv said I feel is true to me it’s like no one as listened even if I shouted it from an hill top

  123. Hi. Today 22 years ago I lost my eldest brother to a heart attack he was 21 and I 12. I was the one to find him. He was my all. My heart is still very much torn. 4 years ago I lost my last brother he 32 and I 29. I feel totally lost. I often feel angry and that unfairness. Try to be a soldier but boy it is hard. Questions like I’m not the one supposed to take care of my parents and to do their funeral arrangements Ect. My whole life is over. Folks live with me I take care of them financially and physically. Dad had a stroke a year ago leaving him like a todler. I’m 34 and no where to go. Won’t be able to live my life eva.

  124. I am so devastated. My baby brother died 3 weeks ago from today at the age of 19. I call him baby because he was special needs, unable to speak or hear, and I was his caregiver for the past 6 months while my parents were working. He was my favorite person in the world, he had such a pure innocent heart and such a wonderful personality. He was always smiling and laughing, regardless of how many surgeries he had gone through. He was the person I spent the most time with and vice versa. We were extremely attached to each other. I don’t know what to do without him here anymore. It felt like he was my purpose in life and I had always pictured my future with him in it. He made me a better person and I am so sad I will never be able to see him or feel him again. I would do anything to hug him one more time. He stopped breathing in my arms after an epilepsy attack and he then passed away in the hospital as I held his hand. I keep reliving his death and I don’t know how to get the horrifying memories and feelings out of my head. His presence in the house leaves a large void and everyone is heartbroken. We all feel like something is missing and it leaves us all depressed. I hope I can get better but the pain is the same as the day it all happened.

  125. My big brother passed away on Friday and I’m a broken man 🙁 He was my pillar and the person I could always go to for advice.It feels like a part of me died and life without him would not be the same. I cannot sleep and just burst out in tears when I think of him. I’m just glad I had a chance to say goodbye and I will never forget our last handshake. I keep asking myself why it wasn’t me ?? He has two beautiful boys and they need him and I have no family of my own and I would do anything to change places. I suffer from depression and I’m in a dark place at the moment but I know I have to get myself together as I promised I will always be there for the boys and be the man in their lives. Thank you for the article

    • Hello Phil,
      As I’m on this site looking for support, guidance, just anything to help. I came across your post and feel pretty much the same way. Last week I unexpectedly lost my older sister. She has one daughter and I just feel that if someone had to go it should of been me. Her daughter needs her, my parents need her. But being the sibling I feel left out and not so much needed. Sigh maybe it’s just too new. I can’t think and I cry at just about anything. I noticed you posted a few months ago now, Does it get any better? Is there something that you’ve found that helped? I don’t really have many friends so I am struggling here.

  126. There is a wonderful book. “Surviving the Death of a Sibling” T.J. Wray

  127. I’m glad I came across this article. I lost my younger sister to a heroin overdose in March of this year. Every day since has been a roller coaster. I can really relate with a lot of the things written about- survivors guilt is a big one, even though I’ve never done the drug and am not worried I will pass in the same manner– it’s just a question of why her, why then? I grieved her passing before she was physically gone because of her lifestyle, and came to terms with the fact that choosing to live her life the way she did was a risk, and she knew that. When she passed away, it was during her longest stretch of sobriety in her adult life. I had no idea she was back into using. Even though I know there was nothing I could have done… I’ll always question–what if there was? Looking forward to checking out the support groups mentioned.

    • kaityin im so sorry for your loss. i understand what you’re going through. my brother passed away last year. that was the day i stopped living. he had a very bad substance abuse problem and pain pills. he fell down his stairs. it was a couple of hours before anyone found him. not a day goes by that i dont think about him i miss him so much. i wish so badly that we could have got him help. i blame myself i didnt try hard enough. he was my best friend

  128. I blogged about my loss of my identical Twin sister at the age of 13. It may be of use to someone else. http://www.oneoftwostillhere.blogspot.com

  129. My older sister died in a snowboarding accident on December 7th, 2015. I will always be a little bit lonely without her and although life may be good at times, I know it would be even better with her here. It saddens me that people (strangers, friends, family-to-be) will never meet her, for she was one of a kind. I miss everything about her, even the way she yelled at me when she was angry. I am lucky to have the most supportive parents, but at times still nothing helps and I know that my grief is a burden I will bear forever. I have tried counseling but it all seems redundant and there is no ‘fixing’ to be done. I simply wish I could talk to her, hug her, hear about her new adventures, meet her new friends and loved ones. My parents and I have a saying that helps sometimes “we may be broken, but we are still good” we use this quote to help us realize that we must still stick together. My sister died instantly at age 23. I was 20 at the time. Now I’m 21. I’m so scared for the day I turn 23 because I don’t want to be older than her. sharing and receiving love are the only things that help me through. I try to live my life as if she is guiding me.

  130. Thank you so much for writing and sharing this. My younger sister died when I was seven and I’m still coming to terms with it, partly because I had no counselling or other support (other than my loving family). I’m writing a book about it. I’d be happy to talk to anyone who’d like to share their experience too. Thanks for all the wonderful work you do, WYG.

    • I think thats wonderful that you are writing a book. Our daughter was 5 when our son passed away from brain cancer at age 3. They were only 20 months apart and she lost her best friend. I noticed that there aren’t many books at all on sibling loss. Its a shame and it would be nice if there were more.

  131. My brother was killed in a car wreck March 24 2016 i don’t know how to handle it well i think about it constantly everyday it’s hard for me to sleep and i stay depressed my heart was ripped to shreds on that horrible day.

  132. My younger sister died 3 months ago. She was one of my best friends and I miss her every single day. I had a few very bad days, when getting out of bed was a challenge. But I went to see my former therapist and that helped. I think the worst is over but I know I will mourn for my sister until I die.

  133. My only sibling, an older sister, died 5 months ago. Both our parents are deceased. I also agree there is not much information available that addresses adult sibling grief. Most people do not even acknowledge your grief. I received few sympathy cards or calls. People who I thought were friends have fallen away. After her death, I volunteered to send out the thank you notes for my brother-in-law and helped him with discarding some things at their home. This kept me busy for several weeks. But now I am feeling the extreme loss of her death. I tell myself that I had over four years to prepare for her loss but you are never prepared for that final day. I have taken a grief recovery class which helped very little and have read a variety of books on grief. Keeping busy helps for the moment but find I have many “memory embraces” that leave me in tears or sobbing. This loss of my sister has affected me much more deeply than either the loss of my parents. She was part of my history and even though we were six years apart in age, she was always there for me. She was a strong individual and seemed to be able to handle almost all type of crisis, even stage four cancer. I know I will get through this but don’t see it happening in the near future.

  134. As a grandmother I watched as my grandsons siblings grieved as their brother battled through his cancer journey
    They were with him as he died and spoke at his funeral all at the tender ages og 13, 9 and 4

  135. I lost my older sister 3 weeks ago, it was unexpected. She died on the operating table during a surgery that was supposed to save her life, not end it. There were 26 years between us, so she was an aunt as much as a sister. We always used to scheme and surprise our dad with something big and epic on Father’s day, like a new set of tools or a room full of worlds best dad equipment. Crazy maybe but in addition to doing something nice it was our chance to bond. Flying solo this year I just feel lost and wish I could drag her back down from heaven to remind me what this year’s plan was. All I do when I’m alone is sit and listen to ‘Sissy’s Song’ by Alan Jackson miss her and cry

  136. I am 27 yrs old, my younger brother was 25 when he passed away two months ago now. I don’t know how or even what I feel yet other than pain and sadness almost every day. He was in a sudden car accident where he died very quick. I wish I could comprehend what’s flowing through me right now, the feelings, the rush of air leaving me when I think of him, the tears that suddenly flow when I type this. I hate that I feel so much pain and it angers me at times when I think about not being able to see him and or share our futures together any longer. I truly hate accepting his death and I’m not sure how to come to terms with it, I just want to be able to go a day without losing my breath and not being able to stop my tears no matter where I am. Half of me was suddenly stripped away from me and taken forever without warning, he was my guardian as I was his, and it’s extremely hard to shake the feelings of complete loneliness. I need help, I know I do.

    • Corey: I am so sorry for your loss. My sister died in March. Although she was 67, it’s still difficult. I remember feeling like my heart was breaking and wondering if my chest would explode because the ache was so severe that day and all I could do was hug a teddy bear and sob. 61 years old! But thst bear helped comfort me. We just take each day momemt by moment. Hopefully, the pain will lessen.

  137. having lost my older sister recently whom i was her carer suddenly and having no other relatives to count on nobody seems to understands my grief as i found her dead in bed in the house we shared feeling lost and alone now its 6 months and i still miss her and sometimes don’t feel like getting out of bed just want to be on my own people just don’t understand how i feel they want me to get out and meet people get a job but i can’t do it

  138. I lost my sister 42 days ago. She was the middle one, i have an older sister of 45, I’m 36 and my sister who died was 42. She gave birth to twins 5 months ago and on 24 April 2016 she.just. died. Her husband and I tried to resuscitate her but we didn’t realise at the time that she had suffered a quick death and that whilst I was blowing my air into her lungs, she was gone already. It’s 42 days later and i miss her every day. People support me but im amazed at the uncomfortability people feel when you grieve. My cousin in her innocence told me last night wow! You are really grieving for your sister. I thought to myself, what do you mean? Of course! My heart is broken, i MISS her, my life will never be the same again. We lived in the same gated community and i went to her every day. We chatted every day, we sat next to each other and sang silly songs, i told her my secrets.. and now.she.is.no.more.. my eldest sister lives in the Netherlands so I have become the manager of everybody’s feelings. I help where I can, i comfort everybody. But even though I have friends who listen to me etc, i feel alone in my grief. I’m sad and i miss my sister so much.

  139. this is so hard to talk about. i still cant believe my brother is gone he was my best friend. he was 47 when he passed away. he had a substance abuse problem and we had tried for years for him to get help but he wouldnt . the night it happened he fell down his stairs and died of positional asphyxia . he suffered for a couple of hours before he passed. i feel like im going crazy i wake up every morning hoping its been a horrible nightmare then realize its not.. i try so hard to be strong for my parents and my kids but its so hard. i feel like i have to cry alone. i know life will never be the same ive lost part of me. i just dont understand how this happened no one is ever prepared to lose someone. we were so close we talked everyday when my phone rings i still think its him. i dont know anyone who has lost a sibling or have a support group where i live so im glad to have someone to talk to that understands.

  140. Great post on the subject! Even though it’s been a long time since I’ve lost my siblings, the subject is very much in my experience recently. A dear friend of mine just lost her sister. We felt it is important to talk about the subject. So we’re going to do so on blab.im. If anyone wants to watch or join us, you’re welcome to with open hearts. You can go to https://blab.im/WakingKathy and look for the scheduled blab called Processing Sibling Grief is a Unique Journey on April 24th at 5:00 pm EST ♡

  141. I commend you on the post. It’s true there are not many resources for sibling loss. If I may, I would add a few points based on my son’s experience after his brother’s passing.
    Especially with small kids there is fear (could this happen to me or someone else in our family), guilt (for those times they weren’t nice to their sibling or jealous of them). With children their grief evolves as they grow as they begin to process and understand death, love, what it means to have a sibling or not have one. In a way they relive the loss as they mature

    • Yes, there is fear, guilt, sadness, and the overwhelming feelings that you can’t make things better for your parents or the children left behind. What makes it worse are the words left unsaid. I’m on rollar coaster and can’t get off….

  142. Thanks for posting about sibling grief my eldest brother was killed 3 years ago I was expected to support everybody and when I tried to grieve was told by my parents I was selfish so I didn’t grieve until last year when I had a breakdown and ended up trying to take my own life my family no longer talk to me as iam the bad one the one who should’ve died not him even though no one could’ve saved him that day and I wasn’t even there is have been vilified and had all my parents anger and bitterness directed at me until I finally said enough I’m done and refused to have anything to do with them my brother was I years older than me and was like a father to me he was my hero and I looked up to him so losing him felt like the end of the world and being told by my father that he had no kids anymore as the only one that mattered was dead hurt me even more siblings are overlooked in grief I know I have but I have now got support through doctors cruse bereavement and my partner and my baby who I was pregnant with when my brother died was born with ginger hair just like my brother so I will always have that reminder it never gets easier you just learn to live with the constant pain and heartache

    • Kristi, i am truly sorry to hear about such cold rejection: parental rejection is cruel. My Mom experienced this as a young baby girl. The damage can devastate one’s future relationships … even though you know it is wrong for the parent to have been so cruel, even if you forgive them and see them as the child they act out. I am glad you recognize this and even though you cannot be 100% … 100% of the time you have a head start on many people when it comes to understanding authority and love. Try if possible to see the gifts you have which you would otherwise not know if you had not experienced such pain from you father, of course, layered with the pain of loss of your brother. You are special and there are people who need the gift of understanding in you. I hope you try to reach out to people and help them. My Mom grew to become an empathic loving person through her pain… I hope you find the gifts within you that stand along side your pain then transform them into tools to help others and counter the damage upon your heart by bringing love and light to others, (no matter how small, or how unnoticed, an act of kindness is a seed that grows), sending you love

  143. My sister and I are the only siblings in our family. I’m 4 years older than her and she died in a car accident 30th December 2013. I’ve never known life without her…apart from the first 4 years of my life we’ve been there for each other, so being without her is a very alien existence. My parents don’t talk to me much anymore. ..they don’t visit me and it’s as though the grief of her death is all theirs. ..they have never comforted me and they don’t let me be involved with anything pertaining to her…this sounds harsh. ..and it feels harsh for me because it was never like this when my sister was alive…but on reading this article I now relate and understand why it is like this. ..I have tried talking with my parents and visiting them weekly and hoping that love from me could change. ..but it’s making no difference. ..so I’m having a break from them to get my head together because I thought I was going crazy…my adult children and husband have always been there for me and I have to remind myself that this is a wonderful thing. ..but I miss my sister terribly and existing without her is pretty empty and a huge challenge for me daily. ..I have had some counseling but it was only telling me the obvious. .that I miss my sister and time will help. ..your article has helped me more identify and understand the loss of a sibling. …x

  144. I’ve lost two sisters in three months. I am devastated beyond words. I cannot accept that they are gone. I never got to say goodby. I miss them both so much.

    • That is a lot of loss in a very short period of time. I’m so sorry for everything you must be going through. 🙁

    • I am 82 years old and grieving the loss of my brother who passed away at 78 years very recently. My younger brother passed 22 years ago. There is nothing to compare to the loss of a sibling..very different from one’s parents passing..even though that is painful. I truly feel for all who are going through this unique pain.

      • Anne, I am so sorry for your losses. It is hard to imagine adjusting to a world without a person who has been part of your life for 78 years. I hope you find some support here on our site. Take care.

  145. My only sister died in 1953 at the age of 12 from a kidney disease. I was 4 at the time. I have memories of her. I remember seeing her look at me and wave through the glass of a window in her hospital room. I was not allowed to see her. Within 2 months she was dead and I remember seeing her in her casket and asking my mother why was my sister sleeping there? My mother could not answer me and told me to go to my father, who said nothing. Over the years I had asked questions, but very little information was given to me. My aunts talked with me in later years about “things,” and how “fragile” my mother was. Even now, I feel like the left out one. I miss my sister and the times we should have shared. A couple years ago I did put together a scrapbook of what pictures I had of us together and I wrote little notes along with the pictures. Healing….maybe. My parents are both gone now and life was never the same after my sister died. It was a sad household. My father would sometimes talk about my sister (about something she may have done) and my mother would look at him with knives in her eyes. The conversation stopped. And so it went…………………..

    • Oh Joanie, I feel so sad for you. I feel sad for your parents as well, but I can only imagine what it must have been like to be 4-years-old and to have so many unanswered questions about your sister’s death. I’m sure you also had questions about her as a person as you grew older, but it sounds she wasn’t a topic of conversation. Although it sounds like you have looked for ways to grieve her and remember her in your own way, you unfortunately never had the opportunity to freely share, remember, and grieve as a family. This had to be tough 🙁

  146. I had 2 sisters in my family, my younger sister was murdered in Florida in 1980. My older sister died in 2009. I lost my only child, a daughter in 2005. I do have a younger brother in California. It’s really hard for me

  147. Other than my older sister, my brother knew me longer & better than anyone. When he died, I felt like many memories died too. He helped me remember things I had forgotten.

  148. Thank you for this post. I am actually writing my dissertation on unexpected adult sibling loss. I really struggled with the literature review in terms of finding sibling specific resources. Everything you said is spot on and helpful to this kind of loss. I feel as if you interviewed my participants. Everyone loss was unique, but the patterns are similar. I am so grateful that someone else is trying to shed light on the loss of a sibling.

    • Hey Robyn,

      I’m shocked how little there is for supporting people through the death of a sibling. You’d think there would be more, considering how many people leave behind one sibling at the very least. I’m glad to hear you’ve been looking into this, everything helps!

      Eleanor

  149. My sister was killed in a tragic car accident 39 years ago today…..it was Easter Sunday. I was nine years old and I still suffer from this loss. This past week I have been struggling to just be……missing work, staying in bed and reliving the horrific event over and over. My brother was 11 and he too suffers but bottles up his pain but I know him so well. We were kind of just pushed aside….I’m sure folks thought because we were “just kids” we would be fine…neither of us have ever been fine. I have sadness creep up on my suddenly when I least expect it and sometimes it lasts for days and days. Just today a close friend asked me if I have ever considered grief counseling…..at first I thought it was a crazy idea because it was so long ago and then I thought maybe I can find some help with this sometimes unbearable pain. So here I am….looking for help and maybe some relief from this never ending pain.

  150. We are definitely the forgotten grievers. My sister had been terminally ill for 11 years, she died 3 years and nearly 3 months ago, she had just turned 20, I was 3 weeks from my 17th birthday. I was forgotten about almost straight away, even by friends…always the question ‘How’s your mum?’, even my mum has forgottten, we argue a lot and she always throws in my face ‘I’ve lost a daughter’…yeah well I’ve lost my sister but you don’t seem to care about that? The guilt, anger, regrets are all there of how I treated her, I did get a chance to say ‘I’m sorry please forgive me’ and ‘I love you’ before she passed as she was in a hospice for a week receiving palliative care so I knew she was going but she wasn’t able to respond but I feel she knew and I sat by her bed all day and night that week,keeping her company and telling her it was all okay and she was going to stop suffering and get to see her dad again. I can’t comprehend what losing my sister has done to me and I know no one I know will even ever slightly understand because of the way I come across…like I’m not bothered and that I’ve forgotten about her because I don’t like talking about her but that’s only because it’s too painful. I recently turned 20 so I am not officially the age she never got past, I find that so weird and struggled on my birthday to deal with that, I tried talking to my friend but felt like I was bothering her so I changed the subject. My whole life has been changed/affected by my sisters illness and then death…my family is not a family, we are far too damaged and broken now. I will never forget my sister and I love her to bits, sleep easy Rachel and party hard up there with grandad and your dad…and the other family we have up there <3

    • I’m glad you found a forum where you can express yourself and not feel guilty. Your feelings are valid and it’s okay to get them out. I don’t really have any advise for you, as my own grief has changed my life irrevocably. But I am thinking of you and I’m so sorry for your loss. Keep in touch.

  151. It was nice to find this site, I don’t even know where to begin. I guess I can start with my sister died suddenly, almost as if it was a bad dream. We spoke on the phone and she had a horrible cough. I had begged her to see a doctor. The next evening, her husband had called me and told me she was dead. She was 46 and left behind two young children with two different fathers. She left behind my parents and me….no warning….no time to express our love. A year or so has passed. I have spent the last year trying to hold everything together, my parents health and grief, the blending of my niece and nephew and their new family dynamics which is forever altered. I have realized that my own grief has been pushed aside. I have so many regrets and words that were left unsaid. As the world keeps going forward, I have to keep moving as well. Although, there are many days that I would like to curl up in a ball and simply replay my memories of my beautiful, older, only sister.

    • Stefanie,

      I’m so sorry for your pain and the stress you’ve been under. I worry so much about the person in the family who everyone looks to to hold things together, because this is often the selfless person who seldom gets a chance to focus on his or her own feelings. Now that you’ve realized this, I hope you find some time to really acknowledge and work through some of your own grief. And I know we all have to do what we have to do in life to get through, but you deserve a day once in a while to feel sad and to remember your sister. Please let us know how we can help.

      Eleanor

  152. Thank you for writing this. I have read many articles on grief but only now realize it’s the type of loss (sibling) and with whom I was closest to of all my siblings – because of that I feel terribly lost. My true confidant and literal soul sister died almost a year ago. I find myself crying a lot again after months of bottled up tears. I suppose as the anniversary approaches I am reflecting on the final weeks & days with much clarity. I miss her. My other sister has tried to fill that void and I do love her deeply and she’s here but it doesn’t change the fact that my deceased sister is not. You would think I’d embrace the living sister the same but that seems shallow and false and I suppose could mean I hurt less. I also feel passionately that the deep pain I endure proves my love and loss is real. We should be honored to feel so much, however debilitating it is. It’s ours, we should embrace it with fullness and intensity.

    • Maria, I am so sorry for the pain of losing your sister. The reality of losing someone is that they can never be replaced. Though new relationships might form and grow, though perhaps it may even bring you and your other sister closer, that will never fill the void. Those new or strengthened relationships can be a huge comfort and support in grief, but it is important to know that we should embrace those relationships for what they are and what they can be, not to replace something/someone.

  153. My eldest of 5 Sister’s whom I was closest to passed unexpectedly in 2014. Being the oldest Sibling now I felt a sense of responsibility to keep it together snd coordinate the final plans, I did not want to burden my parents, other siblings or the children, nieces. nephews. I was surprised at how alone I felt in my grief. I did find one book on sibling grief but did not find it helpful. The first 6 months were a secret nightmare for me, I think I suffered a nervous breakdown. Had I been able to turn to s support group I think I would have survived the immediate grief much better. I will be checking out Mourning our Brothers snd Sisters on facebook as a previous post suggested. Thank you for this post

    • Mari, I am glad you found this of some help. I am so sorry for the pain you have been though over the last couple years. Out of curiosity, what was the book you read? We are always looking at grief books and wanting to know what people found helpful or unhelpful and why, as it helps us guide others. Please share if you happen to have a chance.

  154. This is a great post and has hit on almost all of the emotions and issues that I have dealt with since the loss of my sister and her husband in a plane crash over 30 years ago. Many times time does not heal, but we learn to deal with over time. When the accident occurred there was not a lot of resources available for siblings.
    With all the issues that were going on with the loss as well as grandparents decline in health made it even harder for my parents to deal with their emotions as well to be a support to myself.

  155. Thank you for this post, it always helps to be reminded that we are not alone out here in this world. I was 24 and my brother was 29 when he was KIA in 2006. Being a military brat growing up my brother was a big support for me and always stepped in when my parents were gone at work, busy with friends, or out at a bar. He was who I went to when School got extremely hard for me and I wanted to drop out and just give up. When I lost him it tore my heart out and I felt like I was lost at sea because my father acted like my sister and I didn’t exist or need support. It became all about his “widow” (who my brother hadnt even known that long before he married her). I was left floundering having so many questions and not knowing who to ask or go to with them about what happened to him. When I turned 29&30 were 2 of the roughest years after I lost my brother because all I could think about is why do I get to make it past 29 and his life was cut short. Without the help of TAPS ( Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors) being there when I needed them I dont think I would still be here. I believe that more people need to realize that sibling grief is real and painful as well as other types of grief.

  156. Two days ago was the 6 year anniversary of my little brothers death. I can never seem to find words to explain what losing a sibling was and is like. My brother was KIA in Afghanistan by an IED and even now I still try to wrap my mind around the fact he is never coming home. I tell my self it wouldn’t hurt so bad if it wasn’t so tragic or if he had been sick and we had expected it but the truth is nothing would make it better. I want to let you know though. For siblings, parents, children and spouses that lose someone in the military there is an amazing program called T.A.P.S. ( Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors) they have so much to offer and get you linked up with people going through the same things. It doesn’t matter if your loved one was KIA or as a result of PTSD they offer help for everything. I encourage you to check it out. I know it really helped being around other siblings that knew how I felt.

    http://www.taps.org/?gclid=CLn9_Znt8MoCFQgxaQodlDoIjQ

  157. This poem by the author of the Sibling Connection, for me, expresses perfectly how to embrace one’s grief rather than try to push it away:

    Sorrow

    She rises out of nowhere, like a wave from the sea,
    Slowly at first, silently, then crests and peaks;
    Still I have a choice
    I can turn away, go to work, watch a movie, play a game…
    But I know sorrow well.
    Though I turn away, she will wait,
    Perfectly patient,
    Until I am still,
    Then crush me with all of her accumulated power.
    Once I had angry walls to shut her out,
    But her incessant pounding tore them down.
    So now, when she rises,
    I turn to her and say,
    Here I am, I know you, sorrow.
    She crashes on my shoreline,
    And sorrow and I are one
    Until, trailing frothy whitecaps,
    She sweeps away.

    by P.G. White

  158. Oops, sorry for some of the jumbled sentences in my previous post, can’t edit. “…socializing when other people your age don’t get it…” “It covers the complex expectations…”

  159. Hi, I lost my sister when she was 19 and I was 18. Many, many hard years later I finally found this website on sibling loss, which helped tremendously:

    http://www.counselingstlouis.net

    It is extremely thorough and so on target, covering the issues that arise for loss of a sibling at different stages of life, if you are a child, a teen, a college student, or older. Issues such as challenges with socializing when there people your age don’t get what you’re going through, or when your parents are needing you emotionally so you neglect your own needs to become an independent adult. It covers are the complex expectations around being the surviving sibling. It also amazingly covers a lot of the stupid things people say to people who have lost a sibling. This site helped validate what I went through at a college that had no services for bereaved students. It also clarified for me how to accept my grief in a society that has a cultural habit of keeping mum or denying grief. I highly recommend it for anyone who has lost a sibling. I only wish I had come across it much earlier.

  160. My only sister died on 4 October 2015. I miss her so much and I am not sure where my future is going without her. Naturally she looked after me when I was a baby and was my biggest supporter, my confidant and my mentor. She helped me so much with many of the issues in my life and as an older sister she guided me too. Before she died I felt the pressure of stepping into her shoes as I felt I wouldn’t know what I had to do to help and support out widowed elderly mother. I am doing what I can for our mother now as I have to. I’m hoping she will guide me into making the right decisions and choices for our mother.

    Already I am getting a sense of people thinking I should be over the grieving period. It’s so hard especially at this time as Christmas approaches.

    The only beautiful thing that exists in all of this is that I was with my sister when she passed away, I held her hand and she gave me the job of informing others who were there also when I realised her breathing was changing and death approaching. She seemed to hand the reins over to me. X

    • Esther,

      I’m so sorry about the death of your sister; I am sure you miss ever all day every day. I am glad you can hold onto the beautiful final moments that you shared. I am sorry you’re feeling subtle pressure to move on. People don’t know what the right thing to say is and they want you to feel better because it makes them feel better…just remember though that they aren’t right. Grief takes time, it’s something that we cope with little by little every day. You can and should continue to feel the pain of this loss for as long as you need to.

      Eleanor

  161. Thank you for addressing this issue. My brother died unexpectedly and suddenly a number of years ago and for some time, I felt as though I was the forgotten mourner. It felt as though others didn’t recognise my grief as being relevant or as important as the grief of my parents. I distinctly recall being approached by friends and family after the death and asked, “How is your mother? How is your father? It must be so hard for them”. This question/statement was repeated time and time again. It was rare for anyone to say, “How are you? This must be so hard for you” – and in the meantime, my heart was broken. I’ve slowly worked through the “if onlys”, “I’m sorrys” and other “shoulda, coulda, wouldas” as I like to call them. It has taken time and required me to be vulnerable and ask friends for help and support but I now feel that I’ve waded through the immediate grief, have pulled myself up onto the shore and can now breathe and look forward to the future. I know that my grief journey would have been made a lot easier if sibling grief was recognised and appropriate resources had been available.

    • I just discovered this site this morning, and was profoundly affected by several of the posts. I’d like to have my children read several of these comments, but they’d realize how much of a failure of a mother I was when their brother died. Roger was the oldest son; right in the middle of 7 children. He had asthma all his life (as did several of the others, but none quite as bad as Roger) and spent a year at the Children’s Asthma Research Institute and Hospital (CARIH) in Denver when he was 10. He was supposed to be there for 2 years, but we missed him too much. That was probably wrong of us also. Parents aren’t supposed to have a “favorite child” but he was mine and his siblings knew it and didn’t resent it (at least outwardly) because he was their favorite sibling also. Everyone who knew him thought he was a fine young man; a great friend, a good athlete (in spite of the asthma) and a shining example to others. When he died from an asthma attack at the age of 17 (35 years ago) from what we thought was just a routine trip to the emergency room, our whole world fell apart. My husband and I went to grief counseling, but he wasn’t comfortable with it.I went once without him because I DID get some comfort. I don’t think we even knew about any sibling counseling. They say some couples divorce after the loss of a child, but we knew we had to go on for the sake of the other kids. Unfortunately we really didn’t know how to HELP them cope, although we did try. We even moved to another state (for 5 months) to attempt a “fresh start” with the three other boys, but that was a disaster. I’ve said several times over the years that our family wouldn’t be as dysfunctional as it is if Roger had lived, because he wouldn’t have allowed it. Now I realize that we should have tried to do more to help them cope instead of letting our OWN grief overwhelm us, but it’s 35 years too late. My husband died 14 years ago, and I’m still dealing with that. At least he and Roger are together in Heaven, breathing free.

  162. Thank you for this. I recently lost my 26 year old little brother and, six months later, my 30 year old big sister. My sister died of an overdose but I think her heart was already broken. When my brother died it felt like losing a limb. I stilldon’t feel like a whole person anymore, and even when I’m around friends, I often feel lost and lonely. I don’t understand how everyone else can just carry on as if nothing happened. I think they are tired of my grief, they think I should be better now. I don’t think I’ll ever be better, because parts of me are gone.

    My siblings were my closest friends, and now I find myself without many others. It’s hard to figure out how to be close to people, to make new friends. I don’t talk about them around others because I know it makes people uncomfortable, but it’s always on my mind. It colors everything I do. Losing a sibling is unimaginable and I wish that no one else had to feel this.

    I haven’t found many resources or any support groups in my area, but I did buy a book called “Angel Catcher” that I have found helpful at times. It’s a journal with helpful prompts and supportive ideas and quotes. I bought one for a friend who lost a sibling and for my youngest brother, who I know is having a hard time of it all too. I’m grateful for this website and I listen to the podcast often. Thank you for putting all of this out there.

  163. All I can say is I just love this article it really hit home. Me and my brother WERE thick as thieves. I also couldn’t protect him and I didn’t get to say I’m sorry. Also, I knew him inside and out, I knew his heart, but I didn’t know his struggles, I thought I did but it was more than I could comprehend. It was way over my head. I thought I knew but I didn’t even after. I still don’t know. All I know is that I miss him horribly every day.

    • Thank you so much for your comment. My brother passed away less than three weeks ago, and I am still in shock. I had no idea how sick he truly was, and never got to say I was sorry for not realizing his pain. Diabetic and in renal failure, he passed away suddenly and at 38. I was naive about his health and his quality of life, and regret minimizing his struggle. He was my best friend and I can’t believe he’s just gone. Your comment hit home with me and I had to write. I am sorry for your brother’s passing.

      • My brother passed away less than three weeks ago, and I am still in shock. I had no idea how sick he truly was, and never got to say I was sorry for not realizing his pain. Diabetic and in renal failure, he passed away suddenly and at 38. I was naive about his health and his quality of life, and regret minimizing his struggle. He was my best friend and I can’t believe he’s just gone. I had been approved to be his kidney donor; he just didn’t get healthy enough to have the operation. I should have taken a more active role in his care and maybe he would still be with us. Life for me will never be the same. Knowing he is gone.

  164. My brother died almost 3 years ago and so much of me died with him. In fact, the family sort of fell apart. Who knew this wonderful man was what held us together in so many ways?

  165. I only know one person who lost a sibling and she never says anything outside her family about it.
    I’m a member of a club nobody asked to be in; the ‘People who know relatives and friends who died by homicide’ group. Her brother was murdered at Columbine High School in the library. That’s where most of them were killed but not Daniel Rohrbough. He was killed outside and laid there for 3 days before anyone would claim his body. I never understood that but oh well.
    Christine never says a word about it beyond helping with gun safety and keeping firearms away from absolute lunatics like Dylan Roof, who killed 9 people in a Charleston, South Carolina church.
    The only comment she’s made is was to say that certain comments from so-called well-meaning people make her crazy. The ones who say things without having any idea that their words might be construed as insensitivity of the speaker.

  166. These comments are very hard to read because they resonate so much with my own feelings and experience. In 1974 our mother died of an overdose, the last of multiple attempts. My brother was 13, my sister 9 and I was almost 15.

    From about the age of 8 or 9 I knew what was happening when our mother went into
    hospital and became complicit in keeping her depression and suicide attempts secret from my younger siblings. I knew what the warning signs were which indicated that she was sliding into depression and also the subtle hints she gave before taking
    another overdose. More than once I had to accompany her to the local hospital and wait while her stomach was pumped out. When she was in a local psychiatric hospital (a horrible former asylum with naked old people wandering around screaming and faeces smeared on the walls) we would visit her and I don’t think my brother and sister ever questioned why she was there or why (as a result of ECT) she often forgot our names and appeared to think we were her siblings.

    I discovered my mother’s body beside my sleeping father and had to wake him and phone for an ambulance. I had to tell our neighbours who took my sister back to their house before the ambulance and the police arrived. I had to tell my brother and try to comfort him while my father dealt with everything else. I became a very poor substitute for my mother at the age of 14. My father was obviously grief stricken and was subsequently prescribed antidepressants which triggered epileptic seizures and again I ended up taking a parent to hospital and wandering if they would be coming home but not knowing what would happen to us if they didn’t.

    My brother became very angry and withdrawn and my sister just wanted to be comforted because she wanted her mother back. We became very close but our relationship with our brother was never the same again.

    We all survived and went on to marry and have children but my brother’s 2 marriages broke down, mine ended after 12 years and eventually my sister’s did too. She developed a severe depression and sadly in 2009 she hanged herself in her garage, knowing that I would be the one to discover her body and deal with everything, from telling her ex-husband to phoning my poor brother with the news. My brother was very angry with me for not telling him she’d become so ill and the fact that she’d begged me not to tell him was, in his eyes, unforgivable. He remains quite distant now, but we do sometimes talk and he was very supportive when I became depressed in 2011. He has also experienced depression himself since that time.

    When my sister was initially diagnosed with depression the team treating her suggested that her reaction to her marital breakdown was as a result of the huge sense of loss she experienced when we lost our mother and her extended family who blamed my father for my mother’s death. He was very distant from his own family so we felt very much alone, just the four of us of whom now only my brother and I survive. We became estranged from my father about 10yrs after my mother’s death because his new partner was a very domineering person who preferred to keep my father to herselfmand he would meet us in secret but the meetings were very brief and he was never able to spend time with our children, she didn’t even tell us he was ill, I saw his name in the “Death Announcements” in our local paper and once again I had to tell my siblings of the death of one of our parents. Shortly before she died my sister managed to track down both my mother and father’s families and sadly we were all reunited at my sister’s funeral.

    I’m sorry this is such a long post but what I really wanted to say was that you can overcome such loss, it takes a long time and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone but I am so grateful I had my beautiful mother and baby sister for as long as I did. The love we all shared didn’t die with them, I carry it with me always.

    • Your post conveys a very sad and poignant story. I feel like the untimely death of my mother, and then of my sister, have been quite significant in shaping my adult life.
      My mom took her own life at the age of 55, by carbon monoxide poisoning in the garage of our home. She had run away from home twice and tried to overdose on sleeping pills in nearby motels when I was a senior in high school. She was in the psych ward at St. Anthony hospital for a few weeks. She killed herself on the day I came home from my first semester at college and I believe she wanted my father and me to find her.
      I am still angry that she bottled up and would not talk to the family about her troubles and discontent, and that she didn’t leave a note, which might have shed some light on her despair and dissuade some of our guilt.
      My angelic older sister died of advanced leukemia at the age of 33. She was petite, popular and charming, and also fragile. She lived 9 months after her diagnosis, leaving behind an immature needy husband and a very bright 2-yr-old son. The husband remarried a jealous wife, who tried to murder my sister’s son for insurance money. She left him with permanent brain damage and multiple other injuries. It is up to me to provide for and love my beloved blind and bed-ridden nephew, and I know my sister is his guardian angel.
      Had my sister survived her son would never have been injured. He would have enjoyed a normal life and have been able to be an independent person.
      I have most of all missed not having had an adult relationship with my sister. It must be a wonderful thing to go through life’s seasons with the one person who knows you best, your sibling. I will always miss Cheryl.

      • Oh my goodness Patti, I am so sorry for everything you (and your family) have been through. That is a horrifying story about your nephew. It’s hard to believe such evil and greed exists in this world. I’m glad your nephew has you, although I know being a caregiver can be stressful at times. I hope you have people around you for support.

        Eleanor

  167. Thank you for talking about this subject our siblings matter there is a bond there no one can fill, I to have suffered the lost of both my brothers , back in 1981 my brother Mike was playing with a gun in front of his friend it went off and killed him he was only 13 died on May 13 I was 14 yrs old and my other brother Bobby was 15 yrs old it was hard but to young to really understand everybody pushed us aside family drifted away our school friends helped us get through it and really they dident even know they were helping us by just wanting to hang out is what we needed cuz we just weren’t getting it from the family now looking back on it in a adault point of view everybody was just broken and so were me and my brother me and him always vowed to never fight again and we never did we loved each other and only us two knew we had each other and we both understood were we have come from and what we have been through well 3 years ago when Bobby was only 47 he got colon cancer and he passed on Aug 13 at 47 years old i now was faced with losing my soul my brother my only sibling left I was and am still broken I had to watch these two young healthy strong brothers die on tragic deaths and I am sick inside people think your crazy but they don’t understand everything you have endured and everything that goes through your head like why am I still here watching them die killed me watching them being so young it takes you back to your child hood you handle it then and you as children I felt like I was still a child watching my brothers die and they were my brothers dieing . Another for me they both died on the 13 I’m scared every month the 13 th day comes up , I go through every day alone knowing I will never grow old with them watching my mom broken burying two children also again what little few family left watching them disappear you get scare what do you who is going to help take care of me if something is to happen all kinds of things that go through your mind . We need more support with cancer hitting the world as hard as its hitting there are going to be more of us out there and when it hits you at a young age you find ways to bounce back but when Bobby died 3 years ago I got hit hard with mikes death to from 1981 . Please we need to have people focus on this subject and I would love to help in anyway I can . Please anybody reading this love your brothers and sister cuz once they are all gone your childhood is gone . Parent are not suppose to bury there children and siblings aren’t suppose to go through it alone .

  168. Thank you for so much time put into this. My younger sister passed about three years ago and I have yet to see anything like this out there ! Keep it up id love to see where this can go in the future!

    • How long did it take. It’s been only 3 days for me. I lost my baby sister and she left behind a beautiful smart 9 year old and every time I see her I see my sister. I break down one day the next I feel calm. I don’t know how to handle it.

  169. My brother shawn died on August 2 2015. We were so close and I miss him with all my heart and soul. I do feel siblings are the forgotten mourners and we feel as though we have to support our parents more than ever. Which isn’t a bad thing but I would like some support too as I get weak and saddened behind closed doors and just fall apart. Siblings may feel they need to protect their parents sense it is the first time they ever see them helpless and lost. It’s a difficult time. My brother was amazing the bible has helped me so much with comfort.

  170. The forgotten grievers. I lost my half brother 5 years ago, he was 12, I was 23. He had a freak accident. We didn’t live together, and I think because of that my sisters and I were totally forgotten. Friends of my dad and stepmum’s family would write condolence cards without mentioning my sisters and I. It was always oh your poor parents, never how are you coping. I was coping shit. But no one asked, it seemed no one cared. And I felt guilty for the times I called my dad because I needed him, but knew I was taking him away from my brothers mum when they needed each other.
    There was no help or support from anyone, they and my stepbrother had councilling while my sisters and I had nothing. I now admin a Facebook group with a lovely small community of brother and sisters. Everyone is friendly, everyone helps each other, and I am grateful that I along with the group members am able to offer the support and advice to other bereaved siblings, that I needed so much.

  171. Thanks for sharing this great article. It’s been five years since I lost my brother, KIA in Afghan. He left a wife, a son at 5 mos. (now 5yrs.), my mother and younger sister. I’ve been and still are the backbone of this family, never having the time to deal with my own grief. It’s hard to care for yourself when so many people depend on you. Just because you seem to keep things together and functional for everyone else, they forget that you’re torn inside and also grieving. I was close to my brother, we were only a year or so apart, it’s been hard for me to keep my own personal life together. It’s true, Guilt is something that never leaves you, from wishing to have protect them to remembering the last hug or good bye. Surprisingly a lo of support systems, including military, are for spouse, parents, or children of the deceased. Siblings for some reason are always forgotten …

  172. Thank you for talking about this…my brother was not expected to live when born and lived five wonderful years…his death, although, expected was still very hard. It is something, that honestly I have finally started to really grieve 35 years later. Knowing that my parents are reunited with him is what keeps me going. Thanks for the great blogs.

    • May I ask how old you were when he passed? I worry about my other children since their sister died. We go as a family to grief counseling since her passing.

  173. My husband lost his sister when they were in their teens. His entire family still grieves over her but he really can’t even talk about her. It’s been 23 years. I have watched his parents go from not celebrating holidays to embracing them and enjoying them. They are able to talk about her and share stories about her. They are gradually working through their grief but he is not at all. When our children ask questions about her he can’t talk about it. I encourage them to refer their questions to their grandmother (I never met his sister) because it causes him pain to even mention her. I truly believe he could benefit from a sibling loss support group.

  174. It is horrible that people forget about the friends of the deceased. Friends are important in our lives

  175. Wow, you covered it extremely well, I can relate to so much of this. My only brother was 5 years younger, we lost our dad about a year before him. I already felt that patriarch role falling on me after Dad passed, but I had my bother to share it with. After he died I had his wife, kids, my Mom, my sisters and others coming to me. At least that’s how it felt. (which is okay) There was a tremendous out pouring of support for his wife & kids and my Mom. Which was great, but I kept looking around for my support and it just wasn’t there. I eventually found your site and a couple of sibling loss on-line groups but nothing local.
    Thanks for this post.

  176. Wow, you really know how to hit the nail on the head with the great and awful timing. 12 yrs ago tomorrow, my best friend and for all intents and purposes brother, died of sepsis, he was 7 yrs old. He and I had the same medical issues and bonded as we fought the same battles and went through the same things. We were closer than many blood siblings. When I woke up that morning twelve years ago and found out that he was gone, it felt like someone ripped my heart right out of my chest and ran it over with a truck. I felt so guilty that I was still alive, that there was nothing that I could do, and that I would never have the chance to tell him how much he meant to me, I was angry because he deserved a heck of a lot better than what he got, because the doctors at the hospital had failed to save him… I was lonely because I seemed to be the last person on earth anyone expected to miss him… I hated, and still hate everything he missed out on, that he never got to play real baseball, he would never go to high school, let alone college… I wanted us to grow up together thick as thieves the way it had always been… now that future, all those years we had ahead of us, I would have to spend without him… I ask you… how is it any different than if Matt and I had been brother and sister by blood?

  177. My only sibling Sean died 16 yrs ago. And you are right, we are the forgotten ones. Everyone focuses on the parents and that is it. We are pushed aside. Some of us are told to forget our grief by our parents I know I was. My parents told me to get over, stop talking about it that I was driving everyone around me crazy. I ended up having a nervous breakdown over my brothers death, because I had no one to talk to, no therapist or anything. I have learned over the last few within myself that I can put him in a safe place in my heart where I can deal with my emotions. I haven’t forgotten him, but I can cope now. I still have my bad days every now and then, but I know now how to deal with them. I know he wouldn’t want to self destruct.

  178. Thanks for this post. Loss of a sibling truly is not something that is spoken about enough. I recently wrote the grief I feel since losing my sister which others may connect with: http://www.mamamia.com.au/wellbeing/why-i-dont-want-to-get-over-my-grief/

  179. Thank you for posting on sibling grief. I agree, there are little resources for sibling grief, let alone adult sibling grief due to loss of sibling via suicide. Not only is sibling grief overshadowed and downplayed, there are few sibling support groups out there for this type of loss. Suicide is still a societal stigma and it makes grieving a prolonged pain. In the Bible Belt area, for example (where I live), my grief was compounded by a polarizing general attitude of judgement and isolation. I was actually shocked by some of the comment my mother and I received (even from Christians), like, “was your brother on drugs”, “you don’t go to heaven when you take your own life”, or “that is so selfish and sinful”, or “God doesn’t forgive those who commit suicide”, and the list goes on. It was very difficult at the time, now it has been 11 years so I am well through the acceptance process, (but still, the pain is a wound that never really heals, especially since it happened on my birthday). I feel for anyone who has gone through this type of grief. Thank you so much to Eleanor and Litsa for all of your work to keep this website up and running.

    • I am the oldest of 6 (now 5 ) lost a brother 3 years ago to suicide. He was an identical twin, and 47 years old. My brother’s death will be my catharsis for starting a group for people who need grief workshops and resources, and I welcome any input from those who have experieced this horific situation in their lives. I agree that there is a stigma on the word “SUICIDE” and not a lot of resources pertaining to this topic out there. I also agree that people in general say some non comforting things when this happens.
      Let us all pull together with this experience in our lives, and learn to share and love one another, and to not take anything for granted. Thank you all for this insightful website, and for those who were brave enough to share their feelings.
      It was definitely a GOD WINK – as my brothers anniversary was 4/9 and here it is 4/11.

      • My twin passed April 2016 and now it is September 2016 and I am at a loss. My twin and I are 47 years old and I feel a loss I cannot fathom. I have many thoughts about him dying and finding him lying on the floor I cannot explain. I do not know where to turn and feel ashamed to a point that I am a 47 year old male and cannot handle my brother’s unexpected death. I do not know if anyone can understand how important he was in my life or if I am able to find a substitute.

        • Ronnie – I am a 47 year old twinless-twin. There is no age appropriate response. Pain from loss does not consider age. Pain is pain and it hurts. Some days are harder than others… Especially when you have a tough situation and feel stress, because we are primed to turn towards our twin for comfort… Only to feel the sting over and over again that you cannot connect with them. Grasping for breath at that point. We have to walk around and pretend that everything is alright everyday… Even though you may not even feel dignity. It is a hard life man. I pray that you have happiness and nice times while you are here in this world. Alafia.
          John

  180. A very well-written and accurate post — thank you. There *are* so few resources on sibling grief, especially for adult or (bare) adult siblings. “Overshadowed grief” is a new term for me, and I needed a term for this. It’s not that my grief was unacknowledged, just that it’s always treated as less significant, less earth-shattering, less life-altering. Just “less”. In the shadow of your parents’ mountain of grief, it’s always less.

    • That was my exact experience when my brother died almost 9 years ago.

    • My brother died a year ago in May and it’s been really hard. I’m so glad I found this, because it’s really hard to talk to my parents because I see the anguish they’re in, and when I talk to my aunts, they basically say, “Yeah we’re sad too but how is your mom?”

  181. Marty Tousley (@GriefHealing)August 18, 2015 at 11:29 amReply

    You’ll find a long list of resources I’ve assembled on my “Death of a Sibling or Twin” page, here: http://www.griefhealing.com/death-of-a-sibling-or-twin.htm

    • Thanks for sharing Marty. I’ll link to this on our resource page as well.

    • I lost my sister in January this year. She was diagnosed with cancer and died 8 weeks later. She was a teenager when I was born and became my mentor , my confidant and my friend. I feel angry towards those in our large extended family who were dismissive even mean during her illness. My niece has just been diagnosed with cancer and I reacted badly to the news. She will be ok as she is young and string. Not being understood by some and losing my beautiful sister has changed me for ever and left a hole that will never be filled.

      • I lost my sister to Cancer and feel the same way. Misunderstood by my other brothers and sisters who were not there for my sister during her 4 years of suffering, Lymphoma. I was her caregiver in the end and my sisters millinial sons now have diss connected from me. I was never paid during my time of caregiving. I rented my own home close to my sister. It has been 4 years now since she died. I am only now getting my financial life back in order career wise after moving from New England to Chicago. I know your hardship and emotional heartache. Losing a sister has been harder then losing both my parents who I loved with all my heart. Today my sisters oldest son married at 37 a successful man he is. I cried most of the day, all these years later as I was not invited to his wedding. My sister his Mother talked about this day for his entire lifetime. I also have another Sister…she also was not invited. We came from Educated happily married parents and my sister was happily married as well, until she became a widow at 47. I want to understand as well as you, why family detaches from us.

      • I lost my sister to Cancer and feel the same way. Misunderstood by my other brothers and sisters who were not there for my sister during her 4 years of suffering, Lymphoma. I was her caregiver in the end and my sisters millinial sons now have diss connected from me. I was never paid during my time of caregiving. I rented my own home close to my sister. It has been 4 years now since she died. I am only now getting my financial life back in order career wise after moving from New England to Chicago. I know your hardship and emotional heartache. Losing a sister has been harder then losing both my parents who I loved with all my heart. Today my sisters oldest son married at 37 a successful man he is. I cried most of the day, all these years later as I was not invited to his wedding. My sister his Mother talked about this day for his entire lifetime. I also have another Sister…smhe also was not invited. We came from Educated happily married parents and my sister was happily married as well, until she became a widow at 47. I want to understand as well as you, why family detaches from us.

  182. Adult sibling loss – where ones’ sibling dies when both are adults–is perhaps the least supported and written about. There are few resources for this phenomenon, which happens all the time. It is made more complicated precisely because of the changes in roles, the need (often) for the surviving sibling to assist their grieving parents (who have by definition lost a child), as well as other family members. Having lost both my sisters, as adults, I am working on a book to help other adult sibling loss people. The grief is, in many ways, a different kind of grief.

    • I have, over the years lost two siblings…one was 33 and the other earlier this year was just 59…I really relate to the “forgotten mourner” comment early in this article. Mine especially felt and feels trivialized as my brother lived several provinces away…after returning home from going to his home town with my other siblings and family to lay him to rest and look after his affairs I felt “flat” for several weeks… Life is busy and the only option is to move on with life but I think about him daily, feel a deep loss and am profoundly sad for his struggles.

    • please do work on a book, I am still surprised at the lack ofm information and resources regarding adult sibling grief.

  183. Thank you for this post – especially today.
    In a few weeks it will be exactly seven years since my sister committed suicide, but as I struggle to help my sons cope with their lives since the death of their father, my husband, the person I miss most is my sister. In addition to her professional insights and her wonderful sense of humor, she loved my sons and they loved her, and my sister and I basically raised our sons together. I miss being able to talk the problems through with her, figuring out how to deal with all the hard things together.
    This is one of the blog posts I wrote about missing her: http://livingwithplanb.derieg.com/2013/05/sisters/

  184. I’m so happy you made the distinction between types of loss. My younger brother (and only sibling) died almost 4 years ago. It is true that you reevaluate your support circle. I have found there are some people I feel safe opening up to, and some I don’t. Something that helped me was finding a support group of other surviving siblings who truly understood what I was feeling and I could open up to. And since I’ve found them, I have become an active member. There is the online support group (via email) called Mourning Our Brothers and Sisters/MOBS. We also have a Facebook page.
    Thank you again for this post.

  185. Thanks for dealing with types of loss.I think about that a lot and how strongly it affects how we grieve. How about more?

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