Grieving a Suicide Death

Understanding Grief / Understanding Grief : Eleanor Haley


According to Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in 2013 there were 41,149 suicides in the United States.  This rate is equal to 113 suicides each day or one every 13 minutes.  Surveys have shown that 40% of adults know at least one person who has died by suicide and upwards of 20% of adults report their lives have been significantly impacted by suicide.

I’m sorry we didn’t write this post sooner.

I have a lot I want to cover, so I won’t waste time on introductions.  I do realize, though, that some of you won’t read this post all the way through.  For those of you who know yourselves well enough to know you won’t finish, I want to let you know that I will link to additional resources at the end of this post.  Also, I want to invite anyone who has been touched by suicide to share your experiences in the comments below.  Although we can offer general thoughts on this subject, it is your insight that adds truth and nuance to this discussion and helps those facing similar circumstances feel less alone.

First things first, our usual disclaimer…

Although commonalities exist amongst people who have experienced a certain type of loss, individual grief is unique to the person experiencing it and their relationship with the person who died.  Although we can talk in averages and generalities, no article, grief theory, or set of symptoms will ever perfectly sum up your grief experience. Further, although you might be able to relate to aspects of another person’s grief (and vice versa), no one can completely understand how anyone else feels. With this in mind, we recommend you learn what you can from your commonalities with other grievers, but take differences with a grain of salt.

How we talk about suicide…

Although we may have a long way to go in understanding suicide and effective suicide prevention, thankfully progress has brought us far beyond the dark days when suicide was looked upon as a crime or religious offense.  Progress, though, is multifaceted and while our understanding of suicide has grown more compassionate, our language has not.

For this reason organizations like the World Health Organization, National Institute for Mental Health, American Association for Suicidology, American Foundation for Suicide Prevention and countless others have been working to shift suicide-related terminology.  Although there are many fine points to this conversation, I simply want to impress the following upon you…

When referring an individual’s death from suicide…

Don’t say…She committed suicide.”

Do say… “She killed herself” or “She died by suicide”

I know most of you are used to saying “committed suicide” and you certainly aren’t alone.  Many people in our society have yet to get this memo, but now you have.  Please, the time has come for us to choose language around suicide that does not condemn or stigmatize the person who has died or those who love them.

Suicide as a traumatic loss…

When a loved one kills themselves, the death is often experienced as traumatic.  We typically use Wortman & Latack (2015) definition of traumatic loss…

“A death is considered traumatic if it occurs without warning; if it is untimely; if it involves violence; if there is damage to the loved one’s body; if it was caused by a perpetrator with the intent to harm; if the survivor regards the death as preventable; if the survivor believes that the loved one suffered; or if the survivor regards the death, or manner of death, as unfair and unjust.”

This definition touches on many experiences common to suicide death including the death being sudden, untimely, violent, regarded as preventable, etc. However there are other traumatic loss risk factors associated with suicide such as feelings of blame, witnessing the death, and finding the body.  Deaths that are also potentially traumatic events can result in the compounding and intertwining of trauma and grief responses. These may manifest as the following (these are just a few so if you’d like more information on grieving a traumatic loss, head here):

  • Recurrent intrusive thoughts about the death
  • Shattered assumptions about the world, onself, and others
  • Feelings of guilt and blame
  • Fear and avoidance of grief and trauma emotions, thoughts, memories, etc.

It’s important to note, it is not the nature of a death that makes it traumatic, rather how the event is interpreted and processed by the individual. This means that, regardless of the circumstances around the death, it is not a given that it will be experienced as traumatic. One cannot underestimate the impact of personal factors like emotional regulation, cognitive responses, secondary stressors, coping style, prior history of trauma, and access to support and resources in determining how a person responds to an event.

quote

When grieving a suicide death one may experience…

The search for answers:

In the wake of death, people often seek to construct a meaningful narrative that helps them to find peace and understanding in what happened.  So it’s common to ask questions like “what if?”, “why?”, and “what’s the point?” Until the question of “why” can be answered, grieving family and friends may continue to search and ruminate.

After a suicide death, as with any other type of death, the bereaved may seek to make sense of what happened.  However in this instance they may find that many of their questions are either unanswerable or they lead to distressing conclusions (whether these conclusions are true or not). It is not uncommon for themes of personal blame to arise as the person questions their role in their loved one’s suicide and what they could have done to prevent their death.  Unfortunately, the bereaved may vastly overestimate their own role and the role of others (i.e. what family and friends did or didn’t do), as opposed to blaming things like mental illness which is quite often present.

Whether rational or not, grieving family and friends may struggle with distressing thoughts like…

  • I never really knew him.
  • She didn’t feel comfortable confiding in me.
  • She was in intense pain
  • I’m to blame. I should have done more to prevent his death.
  • I’m to blame. I pushed him into the decision to kill himself.
  • She didn’t love me enough to live.
  • My family members are to blame.

The impact of expectedness…

Although suicide is often sudden, it is not always unexpected and so not all who experience the death of a loved one struggle to answer the question of “why?”.  In many instances there has been discussion of suicidal thoughts or past suicide attempts.  Maple et al (2007) found in interviews with suicidally bereaved parents that “preparedness” was linked with an ability to anticipate and explain their child’s death.  They note,

“Once they had acknowledged the inevitability of suicide they were able to weave this possibility, unwelcome as it was, into their life story to develop a coherent explanation.”

Family conflict:

Family can be an incredible source of comfort and healing after a death…for some.  For others, family can be a source of distressing conflict and misunderstanding after a death.

Regardless of the circumstances surrounding the death, things like complicated family dynamics, shifting roles, and different coping styles can test and challenge a family. After a suicide death additional conflict may emerge because…

  • The deceased’s mental illness and suicidal behavior created disruption and placed strain on the family as a whole.
  • Family members disagree about how they want to acknowledge the death publicly.
  • Family members disagree about how they want to discuss the death privately within the family.
  • Different family members come up with different explanations for why their loved one killed him- or herself
  • Blame

Feelings of rejection and abandonment:

Evidence has shown that suicidally bereaved individuals experience higher levels of rejection compared with other bereaved groups. In grief, feelings of guilt, blame, regret, and rejection can be logical, but they can also defy all logic and reason. So even when it’s evident that the suicide was not an act of intentional abandonment, it still may feel that way to the people who grieve the death.

Worries about developing mental illness:

Approximately 90% of those who die by suicide have one or more mental disorders.  When the deceased is connected to the bereaved through genetics, especially in the instance of a child grieving a parent’s suicide death, the living family member(s) may worry that they too will develop mental illness and some day make the choice to kill themselves. Indeed, some research has indicated that a family history of suicide increases suicide risk.

If you know a child, or adult for that matter, struggling with these concerns don’t immediately disregard their worries.  If you are someone grappling with this concern, know that it is normal and if you’re really worried then it never hurts to seek out a little support and psycho-education from a therapist or counselor.

Fear of grief reactions:

After a death mourners often feel as though they are going crazy, and, as noted, those who have experienced a traumatic loss often experience intensified and prolonged grief/trauma reactions.  If a person interprets their symptoms as dangerous, threatening, or indicative of a larger mental or physical problem, they are more likely to fear and inhibit their reactions (i.e. engage in avoidance).

Concerns about one’s own reactions following a death add to existing emotion by causing additional anxiety, depression, anger or shame.  Those who are fearful of their reactions may engage in maladaptive and persistent avoidance of triggers or reminders, which, in some cases, can contribute to the development of psychological disorder and prevent the mourner from finding meaningful ways to continue their bond with their loved one.

Relief:

It is common for a person to feel relieved after a loved one dies, when the loved one had been living in pain and suffering. For those who die from illness, the relief comes from knowing they are no longer in physical pain.  And when a person dies from something like suicide or overdose, the relief may come from a place of knowing that their loved one is no longer struggling with emotional (and sometimes physical) pain.

Another reason someone might feel relief is if the loved one’s suicidal behavior (or other types of behavior) had put a strain on their family or other types of relationships. This doesn’t mean that the person grieving the loss wouldn’t trade their relief to have their loved one back for just one moment, or that they don’t also feel intense pain and sadness. It just means that relief is one feeling in their big, messy, hurricane of grief.

Feelings of isolation, stigma and/or shame:

Sadly, there is a stigma attached to mental illness and suicide.  Others can’t imagine the mental and emotional pain that would cause a person to kill themselves and so they might make assumptions or judge the deceased’s actions, calling them weak or selfish or who knows what else.

This being the case, it’s no wonder that many people choose not to open up about their loved one’s death.  Stigmatized losses may also be referred to as disenfranchised losses, which you can read more about here.  The following are just a few potential causes for isolation, stigma, and shame following a suicide death:

  • Isolation and shame may result from the family’s decision to keep the suicide a secret.  Feeling unable to acknowledge the truth, those grieving the loss may feel as though they have to lie or live in silence.
  • Shame may result from thoughts of personal blame and responsibility.
  • Shame may result from the belief that one can’t control or manage their own grief reactions.
  • Isolation and shame may result from a lack of social support or because others don’t acknowledge the death.
  • Shame, isolation and stigma may be felt in response to messages from media and broader society about suicide
  • Isolation may result from perceived rejection and thoughts of worthlessness.

If you are grieving a loved one’s death from suicide you may find these resources helpful:

Alliance of Hope for Suicide Survivors

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention

SAVE: Suicide awareness voices of education

To Write Love on Her Arms

Our Posts:

In memory of Robin Williams: How to talk with kids about suicide

Review of the Dougy Center’s After a suicide death: An Activity Book for Grieving Kids

Review of Hospice of the Chesapeake’s Supporting Children After a Suicide Loss: a guide for parents and caregivers

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665 Comments on "Grieving a Suicide Death"

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  1. Zarah Armstrong  June 25, 2020 at 11:09 pm Reply

    My family wants me to die they say that they don’t but everything they have done draws me closer to death
    I am depressed and they made me move out and live in an apartment alone in the city they don’t want to be around a depressed person
    I have no one here and nothing I just spend the day alone and talk to none but counsellor online
    I have to go thought coronavirus in my own depressed. They don’t ring me never visit nor for 18 months have they visited me at all
    My sister says she blames me for making her anxious she said it’s too triggering to see me they don’t understand how painful it is to be depressed and also be rejected by your family for being so depressed
    I feel like they are just waiting buying time hoping I’ll disappear so they don’t have to feel guilty anymore
    All my things are still at my parents house and my sister won’t let me go back there she said I ruin my parents life being a depressed adult and should be able to look after myself
    I can’t look after myself because of this I’ll ess
    It’s even worse to think my suicide would not mean anything to them I just think of when I was a child and how much love I felt and I really thought they loved me no matter what
    I just don’t want to be alone anymore

    • Elise  June 26, 2020 at 4:39 am Reply

      Hey i’m sorry to hear that you are going through such a situation. Please stay strong and reach out for help, it might be easier because you live in the city. You should find groups for help and it’s not that difficult to make friends whk would actually care about you.
      I know it hurts that you’re family is treating you like that, they obviously don’t understand how it feels like to have depression and so they are afraid but reject you when you need them. So you have to be strong, to get of this situation by yourself to make them realize yiu don’t need them ! I’m sure you can. And if they don’t want you around they don’t deserve you. Suicide ain’t the answer, one day or another they will realize they messed up and weren’t there for you and you’ll be there to hear that.
      My sister didn’t want me around when I was at my lowest because it made her feel uncomfortable and it hurt but I got better without her and now she has regrets but I’m not a monster so I forgave her.
      Stay stron, stay safe

  2. Kristin  June 25, 2020 at 2:30 pm Reply

    Day before yesterday my friend and neighbor had a fight with her family. While I don’t know exactly what was wrong I could hear her yelling that nobody cared about or loved her. Later in the afternoon she yelled at me and another neighbor that we didn’t care about her and when we said that yes we did she apologized but said it didn’t matter because she’d be dead soon. We didn’t really know what to do but the other neighbor had to leave to get back to work. I struggled for awhile about what to do but about 10-15 minutes later I heard a gun shot. At the time I wasn’t sure what the noise was but the next afternoon we had the police break her door down because we hadn’t seen her all day and they found her dead from a self inflicted gun shot wound. I’m struggling with the ‘what ifs.’ Could I have stopped it? Could I have done something to help before it was too late? I’ve known her about a year and never had any indication until that afternoon that this could happen. She was like another grandmother to my 7 year old and that’s also hard for me to handle. The question of what happened isn’t something a child can comprehend at that age and my child is a lot smarter than I realized. I’ve done the general answers but my child wants to know everything and I’m not prepared to share that. Anyway sometimes for me writing things out helps. I just don’t understand how I didn’t see this coming and really wish I had done something before it was too late. Just wanted to share.

  3. Kelley  May 25, 2020 at 11:41 am Reply

    It has been over 3 years since I lost my baby brother to suicide. I have experienced other deaths in my life, including a parent, but none as heart-and-soul piercing as this one. After a few years, I am still sad about the loss, but I have become a part of the world again. I gave myself time and space, and did the grief “work”. I read 8-9 books on death and grief, several ones specifically geared towards the issue of suicide. Early on in my grief, I also wanted to die. Although I will never “get over” my brother’s death, I am now able to remember him as he was, talents and flaws, and all. He was only human, after all, just like all of us. I know that he wasn’t having a good time of life…it just became too much for him. He was overwhelmed and had poor coping skills and lack of a proper support system. He had pushed many people away with his addiction issues over many years, but I always loved him, and tried to help him, most of the time. Although I could have done more towards the end, I must forgive myself, as I did the best I could with the knowledge at hand, at that time. My own mental health and the safety of my children was also a priority. I could not save him every day of his life, and of mine. Perhaps if it wasn’t this time, he would have died the next time. Or, he might have overdosed or gotten beaten to death, drunken in the park. After some time to process my feelings, without the help of my family, which has disintegrated even more since this tragedy. I realize that he always loved me, and I always loved him. That’s all I know for sure. I forgive him, and myself for our human limitations in this life. I pray each and every day for God to have mercy on his soul, as he has requested. I believe in a merciful God, and something inside me suspects that perhaps God had mercy on the pain and suffering that was his life, that fateful night. I will never be the same again, and even my personality has changed since this loss, but I feel that it will make me a better person–wiser, kinder, softer–to have known such suffering myself. Many people cannot comprehend or understand this type of loss and the implications it has on us, the bereaved, the “Suicide Survivors”. I cannot fault them. How could they understand the depth of despair that it causes ? Even my remaining living siblings have not suffered as much as me, as he and I were the closest, and they stopped having pity on his addiction issues many years ago. I realize, also, that everyone grieves in their own individual way. Maybe his death will haunt them more as they age, and presumably approach their own mortality. For me, it has made me realize that each day is a gift, and nothing is guaranteed for any of us. As I move forward, I keep this in mind. I hope to enrich my children’s lives for as long as I can, and be the big sister that would have made my brother proud. Certainly, nobody will ever replace him, or the piece of my heart that he owns forever. Please be patient with yourselves. Grief will come in waves, but you can ride it out. Honor your lost loved ones with your own lives, while also keeping their memories alive inside of you. Share stories of their lives with others, the good parts. Love never dies. Also, please believe me when I say that there is a good chance that you will meet again–my persistent prayers for a sign have been answered. It was a sign that he would be okay, and I believe that he will be. And, so will I.

  4. Caroline  May 25, 2020 at 5:53 am Reply

    I lost my boyfriend 11 days ago. We live in separate towns and the day before he died he wrote me a text. I was hurting then because he had not been replying my texts or receiving my calls. He would do this alot and sometimes I’d think maybe he does not want me in his life. But I loved and love him a lot. I keep wishing I had put aside my ego and talked to him maybe he’d still be here. Then I learnt he died at anoth6 woman’s place. I felt betrayed and cheated. We were planning to get married and I have known him for 12 years. I have all these pain that I do not know how to deal with it. My family does not understand. His family did not even know me since he never introduced me. So I have to all these grieving in secret. I have all these questions that no one will answer.

  5. hannah  April 14, 2020 at 9:44 pm Reply

    I learned last week that my friend died of suicide, although the cause of death was not made clear. He’s been gone 2 months. I was entirely stunned, and I have been crying and preoccupied every day, and waking at night thinking about him. He and I met many years ago, and we felt so intrigued-we recognized each other and wanted very much to date, but I was very scared and pulled away. I had some practical reasons to push him away, and never dwelt on my decision, but always thought of him. We were extremely well matched. We had very little contact over the years, but in recent years I responded on his social media; here and there we’d write briefly. Sometimes he’d just drop away mid-chat and resurface 5 or 8 months later. I’m the one who reached to him on social media, and I guess he never seemed too motivated. We’d both aged by decades, and maybe I sensed that he was depleted. But I was still quietly disappointed that he seemed unenthusiastic toward me. The last chat he suggested we should get together, but was vague. I chose to respond in a similar noncommittal way. I didn’t really understand the dry distance we maintained. But I got worried at his absence and checked to find him, discovering then that he was dead. He was a brilliant artist with a strong intellect, warm, charming, and witty. As soon as I learned of his death my heart burst wide open with love for him. I began to understand that I’d experienced love at first sight many years before, although I ‘d never thought in those terms before. Once I learned of his death I was wrenched with questions and distress. I managed to connect with some other friends of his. This is how I learned it was suicide which left me deeply crazed for more information. I learned that he was Bipolar. And that he hid it very well. And that his kindness was laced with volatility, and that more often. he suffered deep depressions. That he’d had great losses as a consequence. That he contemplated suicide and was in deep pain for years. That he was sexually promiscuous and non-committal, and inconsistent, and had low tolerance for interactions and needed breaks from pretending. That he didn’t want to hurt people he loved, but he wasn’t capable. Despite everything I learned, I am struggling with this deep sense of loss that I didn’t let him in. And I’m imagining what a beautiful love we had, and how we should have been together. In this fantasy, we have been together since we met, I recognize his Bipolar (likely, as I do know a lot-I just didn’t have time with him see it), and I help him get help much earlier. Or we reconnect and I sweep him up and take him to safety in my home. I hold him and listen to him and heal his loneliness, and take him to help. I am so so sad that he’s gone. And that he was in pain. And despite the love, concern, and support he did have, that he didn’t have the help he needed. I’m angry that no one took him to a hospital in all these years (although for all I know they tried). I’m angry that he was punished for things his sickness did.I’m told I missed out on inevitable heartache. I’m told the fact that he avoided me was a sign that he cared about me, and wanted to protect me from the pain he caused. It’s some consolation, but equally adds to the painful loss of the unknowns. And then I think about how blasé I was; how I managed to be so friendly, but not personal, not welcoming. I had some good reasons. But now none of it matters-my reasons when I met him, my reasons in recent years, the reasons for the years of delay in getting together-all real, but all nothing in the face of losing him. Yesterday, while I cleaned, I literally imagined that I was preparing my house for him to move in, and then while I walked I imagined discussing a treatment plan with him. I just want to pull him back so strongly. All of this for someone I met a few times and stayed connected with, but hardly knew. His friend says I followed my instincts and avoided so much pain. But I feel like he was a great love for me, and I avoided life.

  6. hannah  April 14, 2020 at 9:44 pm Reply

    I learned last week that my friend died of suicide, although the cause of death was not made clear. He’s been gone 2 months. I was entirely stunned, and I have been crying and preoccupied every day, and waking at night thinking about him. He and I met many years ago, and we felt so intrigued-we recognized each other and wanted very much to date, but I was very scared and pulled away. I had some practical reasons to push him away, and never dwelt on my decision, but always thought of him. We were extremely well matched. We had very little contact over the years, but in recent years I responded on his social media; here and there we’d write briefly. Sometimes he’d just drop away mid-chat and resurface 5 or 8 months later. I’m the one who reached to him on social media, and I guess he never seemed too motivated. We’d both aged by decades, and maybe I sensed that he was depleted. But I was still quietly disappointed that he seemed unenthusiastic toward me. The last chat he suggested we should get together, but was vague. I chose to respond in a similar noncommittal way. I didn’t really understand the dry distance we maintained. But I got worried at his absence and checked to find him, discovering then that he was dead. He was a brilliant artist with a strong intellect, warm, charming, and witty. As soon as I learned of his death my heart burst wide open with love for him. I began to understand that I’d experienced love at first sight many years before, although I ‘d never thought in those terms before. Once I learned of his death I was wrenched with questions and distress. I managed to connect with some other friends of his. This is how I learned it was suicide which left me deeply crazed for more information. I learned that he was Bipolar. And that he hid it very well. And that his kindness was laced with volatility, and that more often. he suffered deep depressions. That he’d had great losses as a consequence. That he contemplated suicide and was in deep pain for years. That he was sexually promiscuous and non-committal, and inconsistent, and had low tolerance for interactions and needed breaks from pretending. That he didn’t want to hurt people he loved, but he wasn’t capable. Despite everything I learned, I am struggling with this deep sense of loss that I didn’t let him in. And I’m imagining what a beautiful love we had, and how we should have been together. In this fantasy, we have been together since we met, I recognize his Bipolar (likely, as I do know a lot-I just didn’t have time with him see it), and I help him get help much earlier. Or we reconnect and I sweep him up and take him to safety in my home. I hold him and listen to him and heal his loneliness, and take him to help. I am so so sad that he’s gone. And that he was in pain. And despite the love, concern, and support he did have, that he didn’t have the help he needed. I’m angry that no one took him to a hospital in all these years (although for all I know they tried). I’m angry that he was punished for things his sickness did.I’m told I missed out on inevitable heartache. I’m told the fact that he avoided me was a sign that he cared about me, and wanted to protect me from the pain he caused. It’s some consolation, but equally adds to the painful loss of the unknowns. And then I think about how blasé I was; how I managed to be so friendly, but not personal, not welcoming. I had some good reasons. But now none of it matters-my reasons when I met him, my reasons in recent years, the reasons for the years of delay in getting together-all real, but all nothing in the face of losing him. Yesterday, while I cleaned, I literally imagined that I was preparing my house for him to move in, and then while I walked I imagined discussing a treatment plan with him. I just want to pull him back so strongly. All of this for someone I met a few times and stayed connected with, but hardly knew. His friend says I followed my instincts and avoided so much pain. But I feel like he was a great love for me, and I avoided life.

  7. hannah  April 14, 2020 at 9:44 pm Reply

    I learned last week that my friend died of suicide, although the cause of death was not made clear. He’s been gone 2 months. I was entirely stunned, and I have been crying and preoccupied every day, and waking at night thinking about him. He and I met many years ago, and we felt so intrigued-we recognized each other and wanted very much to date, but I was very scared and pulled away. I had some practical reasons to push him away, and never dwelt on my decision, but always thought of him. We were extremely well matched. We had very little contact over the years, but in recent years I responded on his social media; here and there we’d write briefly. Sometimes he’d just drop away mid-chat and resurface 5 or 8 months later. I’m the one who reached to him on social media, and I guess he never seemed too motivated. We’d both aged by decades, and maybe I sensed that he was depleted. But I was still quietly disappointed that he seemed unenthusiastic toward me. The last chat he suggested we should get together, but was vague. I chose to respond in a similar noncommittal way. I didn’t really understand the dry distance we maintained. But I got worried at his absence and checked to find him, discovering then that he was dead. He was a brilliant artist with a strong intellect, warm, charming, and witty. As soon as I learned of his death my heart burst wide open with love for him. I began to understand that I’d experienced love at first sight many years before, although I ‘d never thought in those terms before. Once I learned of his death I was wrenched with questions and distress. I managed to connect with some other friends of his. This is how I learned it was suicide which left me deeply crazed for more information. I learned that he was Bipolar. And that he hid it very well. And that his kindness was laced with volatility, and that more often. he suffered deep depressions. That he’d had great losses as a consequence. That he contemplated suicide and was in deep pain for years. That he was sexually promiscuous and non-committal, and inconsistent, and had low tolerance for interactions and needed breaks from pretending. That he didn’t want to hurt people he loved, but he wasn’t capable. Despite everything I learned, I am struggling with this deep sense of loss that I didn’t let him in. And I’m imagining what a beautiful love we had, and how we should have been together. In this fantasy, we have been together since we met, I recognize his Bipolar (likely, as I do know a lot-I just didn’t have time with him see it), and I help him get help much earlier. Or we reconnect and I sweep him up and take him to safety in my home. I hold him and listen to him and heal his loneliness, and take him to help. I am so so sad that he’s gone. And that he was in pain. And despite the love, concern, and support he did have, that he didn’t have the help he needed. I’m angry that no one took him to a hospital in all these years (although for all I know they tried). I’m angry that he was punished for things his sickness did.I’m told I missed out on inevitable heartache. I’m told the fact that he avoided me was a sign that he cared about me, and wanted to protect me from the pain he caused. It’s some consolation, but equally adds to the painful loss of the unknowns. And then I think about how blasé I was; how I managed to be so friendly, but not personal, not welcoming. I had some good reasons. But now none of it matters-my reasons when I met him, my reasons in recent years, the reasons for the years of delay in getting together-all real, but all nothing in the face of losing him. Yesterday, while I cleaned, I literally imagined that I was preparing my house for him to move in, and then while I walked I imagined discussing a treatment plan with him. I just want to pull him back so strongly. All of this for someone I met a few times and stayed connected with, but hardly knew. His friend says I followed my instincts and avoided so much pain. But I feel like he was a great love for me, and I avoided life.

  8. Lydia  March 16, 2020 at 2:32 am Reply

    Thank you so much for your article, and the comments below have helped me feel less lonely by a remarkable number.
    My ex-boyfriend recently took his own life after sexually harassing me and it’s been gnawing at me every moment I’m not consumed by grief. He was my best friend. He was the love of my life. We had our adventures. I miss him, but I’m so mad at him. How could you do that to me? I’m so confused about how I’m feeling most of the time. Every little thing the people do or say around me tick me off and I can’t help it. I’ve become recluse as of late. I miss him every day. I can’t imagine how his friends from high school are feeling, nor his PARENTS or family…
    Everybody has been incredibly lovely to me, sent me messages of love, or some of the stupidest condolence messages, food, or came to visit me interstate, but I can’t help but feel that what I’m going through is pretty unique and I feel incredibly lonely. My school is pressuring me to stay on top of work and I feel helpless even though my friends are all sending me their notes.
    I feel so lonely. I feel incredibly alone. I am sad. I am angry.

    I’m going to see a professional soon.

  9. Lydia  March 16, 2020 at 2:32 am Reply

    Thank you so much for your article, and the comments below have helped me feel less lonely by a remarkable number.
    My ex-boyfriend recently took his own life after sexually harassing me and it’s been gnawing at me every moment I’m not consumed by grief. He was my best friend. He was the love of my life. We had our adventures. I miss him, but I’m so mad at him. How could you do that to me? I’m so confused about how I’m feeling most of the time. Every little thing the people do or say around me tick me off and I can’t help it. I’ve become recluse as of late. I miss him every day. I can’t imagine how his friends from high school are feeling, nor his PARENTS or family…
    Everybody has been incredibly lovely to me, sent me messages of love, or some of the stupidest condolence messages, food, or came to visit me interstate, but I can’t help but feel that what I’m going through is pretty unique and I feel incredibly lonely. My school is pressuring me to stay on top of work and I feel helpless even though my friends are all sending me their notes.
    I feel so lonely. I feel incredibly alone. I am sad. I am angry.

    I’m going to see a professional soon.

  10. Lydia  March 16, 2020 at 2:32 am Reply

    Thank you so much for your article, and the comments below have helped me feel less lonely by a remarkable number.
    My ex-boyfriend recently took his own life after sexually harassing me and it’s been gnawing at me every moment I’m not consumed by grief. He was my best friend. He was the love of my life. We had our adventures. I miss him, but I’m so mad at him. How could you do that to me? I’m so confused about how I’m feeling most of the time. Every little thing the people do or say around me tick me off and I can’t help it. I’ve become recluse as of late. I miss him every day. I can’t imagine how his friends from high school are feeling, nor his PARENTS or family…
    Everybody has been incredibly lovely to me, sent me messages of love, or some of the stupidest condolence messages, food, or came to visit me interstate, but I can’t help but feel that what I’m going through is pretty unique and I feel incredibly lonely. My school is pressuring me to stay on top of work and I feel helpless even though my friends are all sending me their notes.
    I feel so lonely. I feel incredibly alone. I am sad. I am angry.

    I’m going to see a professional soon.

  11. Gavin  March 13, 2020 at 11:48 am Reply

    My 18 year-old son committed suicide at home yesterday morning. He had taken most of his antidepressants at once. I was at home and was alerted by my wife and daughter’s screams. He was blue when I got upstairs and my wife and I tried desperately to revive him with heart massage and mouth to mouth until the ambulance arrived. They tried for 20 minutes, but I think I knew it was pointless before then by the gurgling sound his lungs made. We spent some time with his body after they gave up and I took some snippets of his hair. After the ambulance and police left and they drove his body away, I walked to the bus stop to collect our other son from school. He had no idea what to say. How could a 13 year-old know how to react in this situation.

    I simply can’t believe he is gone. There is a terrible rift, emptiness and unspeakable despair left in his place. I don’t know what I hope to achieve by writing this. I guess to tell him that I loved him with all my heart, even if he never really felt it. That I will always love him and could only ever love him. That I miss him in a way that he can never understand. That I want him back. That it was a stupidly permanent solution to a short-term problem and that if he would only have given himself half a chance he could have felt some of the beauty and wonder that life holds. I feel that my love was inadequate. That I failed him as a father. That I did not try hard enough. That I don’t think this despair will ever stop. That, god, I need him back. That my life is not whole without him in it. I at least would have wanted to say good bye and hold him (even though he hates it) and tell him that I love him and that I was so proud of him. I keep thinking he is still in his room and expect him to come down the stairs and share some silly reddit meme, which were often his attempts to connect with me.

    Our son was born a girl and lived as one for the first 12 years of his life. His childhood was mostly normal and happy. He struggled a bit socially and maybe never really felt quite accepted or loved. But nothing we didn’t hope wouldn’t eventually turn good. Around 12 things became more difficult. He expressed the wish to be a boy. Admittedly he struggled with the transition (which was not immediate) and the price that he had to pay in social exclusion and rejection. My wife was amazing and incredible in her never-ending battle to find him the right care and support. I was amazed at his strength and conviction to live his life as the person he wanted. That was so brave. It was difficult for me at first, but we supported him with his hormone therapy and mastectomy. He acknowledged and appreciated this. But sustainable happiness always seemed to allude him. How our hearts broke for him and his dream of simply being normal teenager, to have friends, to belong. He dropped out of school. He tried some things with little reward. Like many he enjoyed playing computer games and found companionship with online-friends around the world. Things started to look up. He went traveling a couple of times to visit friends and our hearts almost burst in joy for him. He began to learn to drive and expressed a wish to go back to finish school via a correspondence course. But his despair was strong as was his wish to die. There were recent plans to re-enter a clinic. I guess I was always stupidly too optimistic and foolishly believing he would grow out of it (much as I grew out of my adolescent awkwardness) and that it would get better. Always wanting to see the good and looking past the bad. And while we loved him, he was often difficult to be around and very hard to get close to. I was not always understanding of him. He could be selfish and demanding. He could show unnecessary meanness towards his younger brother and sister. But I truly thought things were getting better as he got older.

    Please Chester. Hear my prayer. I love you son. My one wish is that you have found peace.

  12. Gavin  March 13, 2020 at 11:48 am Reply

    My 18 year-old son committed suicide at home yesterday morning. He had taken most of his antidepressants at once. I was at home and was alerted by my wife and daughter’s screams. He was blue when I got upstairs and my wife and I tried desperately to revive him with heart massage and mouth to mouth until the ambulance arrived. They tried for 20 minutes, but I think I knew it was pointless before then by the gurgling sound his lungs made. We spent some time with his body after they gave up and I took some snippets of his hair. After the ambulance and police left and they drove his body away, I walked to the bus stop to collect our other son from school. He had no idea what to say. How could a 13 year-old know how to react in this situation.

    I simply can’t believe he is gone. There is a terrible rift, emptiness and unspeakable despair left in his place. I don’t know what I hope to achieve by writing this. I guess to tell him that I loved him with all my heart, even if he never really felt it. That I will always love him and could only ever love him. That I miss him in a way that he can never understand. That I want him back. That it was a stupidly permanent solution to a short-term problem and that if he would only have given himself half a chance he could have felt some of the beauty and wonder that life holds. I feel that my love was inadequate. That I failed him as a father. That I did not try hard enough. That I don’t think this despair will ever stop. That, god, I need him back. That my life is not whole without him in it. I at least would have wanted to say good bye and hold him (even though he hates it) and tell him that I love him and that I was so proud of him. I keep thinking he is still in his room and expect him to come down the stairs and share some silly reddit meme, which were often his attempts to connect with me.

    Our son was born a girl and lived as one for the first 12 years of his life. His childhood was mostly normal and happy. He struggled a bit socially and maybe never really felt quite accepted or loved. But nothing we didn’t hope wouldn’t eventually turn good. Around 12 things became more difficult. He expressed the wish to be a boy. Admittedly he struggled with the transition (which was not immediate) and the price that he had to pay in social exclusion and rejection. My wife was amazing and incredible in her never-ending battle to find him the right care and support. I was amazed at his strength and conviction to live his life as the person he wanted. That was so brave. It was difficult for me at first, but we supported him with his hormone therapy and mastectomy. He acknowledged and appreciated this. But sustainable happiness always seemed to allude him. How our hearts broke for him and his dream of simply being normal teenager, to have friends, to belong. He dropped out of school. He tried some things with little reward. Like many he enjoyed playing computer games and found companionship with online-friends around the world. Things started to look up. He went traveling a couple of times to visit friends and our hearts almost burst in joy for him. He began to learn to drive and expressed a wish to go back to finish school via a correspondence course. But his despair was strong as was his wish to die. There were recent plans to re-enter a clinic. I guess I was always stupidly too optimistic and foolishly believing he would grow out of it (much as I grew out of my adolescent awkwardness) and that it would get better. Always wanting to see the good and looking past the bad. And while we loved him, he was often difficult to be around and very hard to get close to. I was not always understanding of him. He could be selfish and demanding. He could show unnecessary meanness towards his younger brother and sister. But I truly thought things were getting better as he got older.

    Please Chester. Hear my prayer. I love you son. My one wish is that you have found peace.

  13. Gavin  March 13, 2020 at 11:48 am Reply

    My 18 year-old son committed suicide at home yesterday morning. He had taken most of his antidepressants at once. I was at home and was alerted by my wife and daughter’s screams. He was blue when I got upstairs and my wife and I tried desperately to revive him with heart massage and mouth to mouth until the ambulance arrived. They tried for 20 minutes, but I think I knew it was pointless before then by the gurgling sound his lungs made. We spent some time with his body after they gave up and I took some snippets of his hair. After the ambulance and police left and they drove his body away, I walked to the bus stop to collect our other son from school. He had no idea what to say. How could a 13 year-old know how to react in this situation.

    I simply can’t believe he is gone. There is a terrible rift, emptiness and unspeakable despair left in his place. I don’t know what I hope to achieve by writing this. I guess to tell him that I loved him with all my heart, even if he never really felt it. That I will always love him and could only ever love him. That I miss him in a way that he can never understand. That I want him back. That it was a stupidly permanent solution to a short-term problem and that if he would only have given himself half a chance he could have felt some of the beauty and wonder that life holds. I feel that my love was inadequate. That I failed him as a father. That I did not try hard enough. That I don’t think this despair will ever stop. That, god, I need him back. That my life is not whole without him in it. I at least would have wanted to say good bye and hold him (even though he hates it) and tell him that I love him and that I was so proud of him. I keep thinking he is still in his room and expect him to come down the stairs and share some silly reddit meme, which were often his attempts to connect with me.

    Our son was born a girl and lived as one for the first 12 years of his life. His childhood was mostly normal and happy. He struggled a bit socially and maybe never really felt quite accepted or loved. But nothing we didn’t hope wouldn’t eventually turn good. Around 12 things became more difficult. He expressed the wish to be a boy. Admittedly he struggled with the transition (which was not immediate) and the price that he had to pay in social exclusion and rejection. My wife was amazing and incredible in her never-ending battle to find him the right care and support. I was amazed at his strength and conviction to live his life as the person he wanted. That was so brave. It was difficult for me at first, but we supported him with his hormone therapy and mastectomy. He acknowledged and appreciated this. But sustainable happiness always seemed to allude him. How our hearts broke for him and his dream of simply being normal teenager, to have friends, to belong. He dropped out of school. He tried some things with little reward. Like many he enjoyed playing computer games and found companionship with online-friends around the world. Things started to look up. He went traveling a couple of times to visit friends and our hearts almost burst in joy for him. He began to learn to drive and expressed a wish to go back to finish school via a correspondence course. But his despair was strong as was his wish to die. There were recent plans to re-enter a clinic. I guess I was always stupidly too optimistic and foolishly believing he would grow out of it (much as I grew out of my adolescent awkwardness) and that it would get better. Always wanting to see the good and looking past the bad. And while we loved him, he was often difficult to be around and very hard to get close to. I was not always understanding of him. He could be selfish and demanding. He could show unnecessary meanness towards his younger brother and sister. But I truly thought things were getting better as he got older.

    Please Chester. Hear my prayer. I love you son. My one wish is that you have found peace.

  14. Marlyn  February 25, 2020 at 6:22 am Reply

    A beautiful friend of mine took her own life a few years ago – due to manic depression. She had suffered this since a teenager, and was in and out of hospital. Her husband could not cope, especially because their daughter was 4 when my friend tried to commit suicide by taking an overdose. Thankfully, she survived, however they divorced but remained very amicable. It wasn’t until one night she came to visit me and she was inconsolable. I mean nothing I said was able to ease her pain. I realised how severely depressed she was and it was heartbreaking to see. A few months later she met a lovely guy and he was a tonic it seemed. After a whirlwind romance they married and all seemed well. The hospital had prescribed lithium and this treatment was extremely effective, until my friend found out she was pregnant. Sadly, she could not remain on the medication, however the nurses did home visits to do appraisals. I was on the bus and saw my friend heavy pregnant and she waved to me, and that’s the image I have kept in my mind, and I see her in my dreams waving to me. At the week end she sent her partner to buy shopping, and he came home to find her hanging in the bathroom. He was hysterical, and called fir help. The team tried to save the baby, as the due date was imminent. The baby was delivered by CS, tragically the baby did not survive. It’s such a tragic event and for everyone who loved her….such a loss, very cruel for her husband, and daughter, who she shared custody with her ex husband. I don’t think i will ever get over the shock and i longed to see her beautiful face and wonderful happy personality. These stories are extremely sad but comforting, as we all loved the person who saw death as their release.

  15. Marlyn  February 25, 2020 at 6:22 am Reply

    A beautiful friend of mine took her own life a few years ago – due to manic depression. She had suffered this since a teenager, and was in and out of hospital. Her husband could not cope, especially because their daughter was 4 when my friend tried to commit suicide by taking an overdose. Thankfully, she survived, however they divorced but remained very amicable. It wasn’t until one night she came to visit me and she was inconsolable. I mean nothing I said was able to ease her pain. I realised how severely depressed she was and it was heartbreaking to see. A few months later she met a lovely guy and he was a tonic it seemed. After a whirlwind romance they married and all seemed well. The hospital had prescribed lithium and this treatment was extremely effective, until my friend found out she was pregnant. Sadly, she could not remain on the medication, however the nurses did home visits to do appraisals. I was on the bus and saw my friend heavy pregnant and she waved to me, and that’s the image I have kept in my mind, and I see her in my dreams waving to me. At the week end she sent her partner to buy shopping, and he came home to find her hanging in the bathroom. He was hysterical, and called fir help. The team tried to save the baby, as the due date was imminent. The baby was delivered by CS, tragically the baby did not survive. It’s such a tragic event and for everyone who loved her….such a loss, very cruel for her husband, and daughter, who she shared custody with her ex husband. I don’t think i will ever get over the shock and i longed to see her beautiful face and wonderful happy personality. These stories are extremely sad but comforting, as we all loved the person who saw death as their release.

  16. Marlyn  February 25, 2020 at 6:22 am Reply

    A beautiful friend of mine took her own life a few years ago – due to manic depression. She had suffered this since a teenager, and was in and out of hospital. Her husband could not cope, especially because their daughter was 4 when my friend tried to commit suicide by taking an overdose. Thankfully, she survived, however they divorced but remained very amicable. It wasn’t until one night she came to visit me and she was inconsolable. I mean nothing I said was able to ease her pain. I realised how severely depressed she was and it was heartbreaking to see. A few months later she met a lovely guy and he was a tonic it seemed. After a whirlwind romance they married and all seemed well. The hospital had prescribed lithium and this treatment was extremely effective, until my friend found out she was pregnant. Sadly, she could not remain on the medication, however the nurses did home visits to do appraisals. I was on the bus and saw my friend heavy pregnant and she waved to me, and that’s the image I have kept in my mind, and I see her in my dreams waving to me. At the week end she sent her partner to buy shopping, and he came home to find her hanging in the bathroom. He was hysterical, and called fir help. The team tried to save the baby, as the due date was imminent. The baby was delivered by CS, tragically the baby did not survive. It’s such a tragic event and for everyone who loved her….such a loss, very cruel for her husband, and daughter, who she shared custody with her ex husband. I don’t think i will ever get over the shock and i longed to see her beautiful face and wonderful happy personality. These stories are extremely sad but comforting, as we all loved the person who saw death as their release.

  17. Katie  February 24, 2020 at 11:44 pm Reply

    My best friend, we’ll call him Luke, killed himself almost a year ago. We had gone to a baseball game together with a few other friends, had a great time, laughing and smiling together. When we said goodbye, it was always blowing a kiss and saying ‘love you long time, partner’. He dropped me off at my place, said ‘love you long time, partner’, blew a kiss, and then drove away. About a week later, we both graduated from different colleges. I hadn’t heard from him and assumed he was busy with family and friends. I got a call from his little brother around 9pm while I was driving home and he told me the news, Luke had shot himself in the backseat of his car and was found by his grandfather. He never showed up to graduation and his family had spent all day trying to find him, only to find him and his car about 10 miles from his house on a back country road.

    I haven’t been able to sleep well in months. I see his face everywhere I go. The first few months were terrible- I wanted nothing to do with life if it didn’t involve him. I ended my engagement; how could I marry if my best friend wasn’t with me? I moved back in with my parents, unable to live alone. I lost weight, hair, my faith, my friends, and my mind. He had never once mentioned suicidal thoughts, or even his depression. I was blindsided completely and shattered. I’m starting to recover, but I can’t handle anyone mentioning his name. It’s still sore, I feel like it was yesterday that we were at the baseball game, laughing and living life.

    Last week, I got a tattoo of his initials. He will forever be my best friend, my co-coffee addict, my partner. You were a shining star here on earth, but now you shine up in the sky. Luke, I hope you enjoyed your first birthday up there. You better be reading all those crappy romantic books you love, and fishing on heaven’s lakes drinking claws. Love you long time, partner.

  18. Katie  February 24, 2020 at 11:44 pm Reply

    My best friend, we’ll call him Luke, killed himself almost a year ago. We had gone to a baseball game together with a few other friends, had a great time, laughing and smiling together. When we said goodbye, it was always blowing a kiss and saying ‘love you long time, partner’. He dropped me off at my place, said ‘love you long time, partner’, blew a kiss, and then drove away. About a week later, we both graduated from different colleges. I hadn’t heard from him and assumed he was busy with family and friends. I got a call from his little brother around 9pm while I was driving home and he told me the news, Luke had shot himself in the backseat of his car and was found by his grandfather. He never showed up to graduation and his family had spent all day trying to find him, only to find him and his car about 10 miles from his house on a back country road.

    I haven’t been able to sleep well in months. I see his face everywhere I go. The first few months were terrible- I wanted nothing to do with life if it didn’t involve him. I ended my engagement; how could I marry if my best friend wasn’t with me? I moved back in with my parents, unable to live alone. I lost weight, hair, my faith, my friends, and my mind. He had never once mentioned suicidal thoughts, or even his depression. I was blindsided completely and shattered. I’m starting to recover, but I can’t handle anyone mentioning his name. It’s still sore, I feel like it was yesterday that we were at the baseball game, laughing and living life.

    Last week, I got a tattoo of his initials. He will forever be my best friend, my co-coffee addict, my partner. You were a shining star here on earth, but now you shine up in the sky. Luke, I hope you enjoyed your first birthday up there. You better be reading all those crappy romantic books you love, and fishing on heaven’s lakes drinking claws. Love you long time, partner.

  19. Katie  February 24, 2020 at 11:44 pm Reply

    My best friend, we’ll call him Luke, killed himself almost a year ago. We had gone to a baseball game together with a few other friends, had a great time, laughing and smiling together. When we said goodbye, it was always blowing a kiss and saying ‘love you long time, partner’. He dropped me off at my place, said ‘love you long time, partner’, blew a kiss, and then drove away. About a week later, we both graduated from different colleges. I hadn’t heard from him and assumed he was busy with family and friends. I got a call from his little brother around 9pm while I was driving home and he told me the news, Luke had shot himself in the backseat of his car and was found by his grandfather. He never showed up to graduation and his family had spent all day trying to find him, only to find him and his car about 10 miles from his house on a back country road.

    I haven’t been able to sleep well in months. I see his face everywhere I go. The first few months were terrible- I wanted nothing to do with life if it didn’t involve him. I ended my engagement; how could I marry if my best friend wasn’t with me? I moved back in with my parents, unable to live alone. I lost weight, hair, my faith, my friends, and my mind. He had never once mentioned suicidal thoughts, or even his depression. I was blindsided completely and shattered. I’m starting to recover, but I can’t handle anyone mentioning his name. It’s still sore, I feel like it was yesterday that we were at the baseball game, laughing and living life.

    Last week, I got a tattoo of his initials. He will forever be my best friend, my co-coffee addict, my partner. You were a shining star here on earth, but now you shine up in the sky. Luke, I hope you enjoyed your first birthday up there. You better be reading all those crappy romantic books you love, and fishing on heaven’s lakes drinking claws. Love you long time, partner.

  20. Anonymous  January 22, 2020 at 12:16 am Reply

    My boss and mentor killed himself last week. I didn’t know him for very long but I feel so confused. I am in shock, when I think about the fact that he is actually gone, that he actually killed himself, I want to laugh because it sounds ridiculous. He would never do that, he was always so happy, caring and he loved his family more than anything on earth but he did do it. I feel so terrible for his family and I can’t imagine how they are feeling. I only knew him for 7 months and it is haunting me, so I can’t imagine what they must be feeling. I remember once, sitting with him at his desk, solving an issue at work and he turned to me and said “It was really lucky that we had run into each other that day(when I was looking for a job), you are really doing a great job.” He always made sure people knew their worth and as this being my first job out of college, it meant a lot to me to hear him say that. We didn’t always agree but I know it was just about business and that he was a great guy. It feels so strange not seeing him everyday, not chatting with him, no “Good Morning” with a smile. It makes me wonder if there was something we could have done and it makes me want to know why He did it but we don’t know and we probably never will. I just feel heartbroken about it and it has been the number one thing on my mined for days. I just hope that all the people who loved him will be okay.

  21. Anonymous  January 22, 2020 at 12:16 am Reply

    My boss and mentor killed himself last week. I didn’t know him for very long but I feel so confused. I am in shock, when I think about the fact that he is actually gone, that he actually killed himself, I want to laugh because it sounds ridiculous. He would never do that, he was always so happy, caring and he loved his family more than anything on earth but he did do it. I feel so terrible for his family and I can’t imagine how they are feeling. I only knew him for 7 months and it is haunting me, so I can’t imagine what they must be feeling. I remember once, sitting with him at his desk, solving an issue at work and he turned to me and said “It was really lucky that we had run into each other that day(when I was looking for a job), you are really doing a great job.” He always made sure people knew their worth and as this being my first job out of college, it meant a lot to me to hear him say that. We didn’t always agree but I know it was just about business and that he was a great guy. It feels so strange not seeing him everyday, not chatting with him, no “Good Morning” with a smile. It makes me wonder if there was something we could have done and it makes me want to know why He did it but we don’t know and we probably never will. I just feel heartbroken about it and it has been the number one thing on my mined for days. I just hope that all the people who loved him will be okay.

  22. Anonymous  January 22, 2020 at 12:16 am Reply

    My boss and mentor killed himself last week. I didn’t know him for very long but I feel so confused. I am in shock, when I think about the fact that he is actually gone, that he actually killed himself, I want to laugh because it sounds ridiculous. He would never do that, he was always so happy, caring and he loved his family more than anything on earth but he did do it. I feel so terrible for his family and I can’t imagine how they are feeling. I only knew him for 7 months and it is haunting me, so I can’t imagine what they must be feeling. I remember once, sitting with him at his desk, solving an issue at work and he turned to me and said “It was really lucky that we had run into each other that day(when I was looking for a job), you are really doing a great job.” He always made sure people knew their worth and as this being my first job out of college, it meant a lot to me to hear him say that. We didn’t always agree but I know it was just about business and that he was a great guy. It feels so strange not seeing him everyday, not chatting with him, no “Good Morning” with a smile. It makes me wonder if there was something we could have done and it makes me want to know why He did it but we don’t know and we probably never will. I just feel heartbroken about it and it has been the number one thing on my mined for days. I just hope that all the people who loved him will be okay.

  23. A  January 9, 2020 at 12:02 pm Reply

    My friend killed herself during Spring Break. Only one of my friends knew about it, because she was smart and could connect the dots from the news article that was published. I can’t find the news article now at all. But, my friend told me what happened to her almost a year after she killed herself. I was in so much shock I couldn’t sleep for two nights. I stared at the ground for 5 hours straight. She was kind, she helped everyone else before herself. She had a tough exterior, and prioritized her friends. She could be “mean”, but she stood up for her friends. She also had such a soft sweet voice. She never really had a father figure. Her mom came home drunk everyday, and sometimes abused her. She had depression from a young age, and cut herself to relieve her depression. Even in elementary school, she had deep cuts in her wrists. She had cuts from her wrists to her shoulders, and her legs. She never really confided in anyone that much. She told people about her bad home life, and her depression. She dropped hints that she needed more help, but nobody really gave it to her. One day, I guess she was just done. Her mom came home, and saw her hanging in her room, she called 911. She was later confirmed dead. She wasn’t born in the right place, and I know why she did it.. But.. I miss her sweet voice, her smile that could make anyone happy. Nobody was there for her. And when I tried to ask people about her, they all had the same reaction. Nobody really knew her, or noticed she was gone. She was one of my closest friends, and I didn’t know until almost a year after. I never had any contact with her on social media or anything, so I just assumed she moved without saying goodbye but. She killed herself.

  24. A  January 9, 2020 at 12:02 pm Reply

    My friend killed herself during Spring Break. Only one of my friends knew about it, because she was smart and could connect the dots from the news article that was published. I can’t find the news article now at all. But, my friend told me what happened to her almost a year after she killed herself. I was in so much shock I couldn’t sleep for two nights. I stared at the ground for 5 hours straight. She was kind, she helped everyone else before herself. She had a tough exterior, and prioritized her friends. She could be “mean”, but she stood up for her friends. She also had such a soft sweet voice. She never really had a father figure. Her mom came home drunk everyday, and sometimes abused her. She had depression from a young age, and cut herself to relieve her depression. Even in elementary school, she had deep cuts in her wrists. She had cuts from her wrists to her shoulders, and her legs. She never really confided in anyone that much. She told people about her bad home life, and her depression. She dropped hints that she needed more help, but nobody really gave it to her. One day, I guess she was just done. Her mom came home, and saw her hanging in her room, she called 911. She was later confirmed dead. She wasn’t born in the right place, and I know why she did it.. But.. I miss her sweet voice, her smile that could make anyone happy. Nobody was there for her. And when I tried to ask people about her, they all had the same reaction. Nobody really knew her, or noticed she was gone. She was one of my closest friends, and I didn’t know until almost a year after. I never had any contact with her on social media or anything, so I just assumed she moved without saying goodbye but. She killed herself.

  25. A  January 9, 2020 at 12:02 pm Reply

    My friend killed herself during Spring Break. Only one of my friends knew about it, because she was smart and could connect the dots from the news article that was published. I can’t find the news article now at all. But, my friend told me what happened to her almost a year after she killed herself. I was in so much shock I couldn’t sleep for two nights. I stared at the ground for 5 hours straight. She was kind, she helped everyone else before herself. She had a tough exterior, and prioritized her friends. She could be “mean”, but she stood up for her friends. She also had such a soft sweet voice. She never really had a father figure. Her mom came home drunk everyday, and sometimes abused her. She had depression from a young age, and cut herself to relieve her depression. Even in elementary school, she had deep cuts in her wrists. She had cuts from her wrists to her shoulders, and her legs. She never really confided in anyone that much. She told people about her bad home life, and her depression. She dropped hints that she needed more help, but nobody really gave it to her. One day, I guess she was just done. Her mom came home, and saw her hanging in her room, she called 911. She was later confirmed dead. She wasn’t born in the right place, and I know why she did it.. But.. I miss her sweet voice, her smile that could make anyone happy. Nobody was there for her. And when I tried to ask people about her, they all had the same reaction. Nobody really knew her, or noticed she was gone. She was one of my closest friends, and I didn’t know until almost a year after. I never had any contact with her on social media or anything, so I just assumed she moved without saying goodbye but. She killed herself.

  26. Betty  January 3, 2020 at 1:08 pm Reply

    The article and responses are a great comfort to me. My little sister, 39 years old took her own life in February last year. I’m still feeling both devastated and relieved by her death. My sister was a wonderfully warm, funny, loyal and creative person who did not deserve the life cards she was dealt. She had a long history of mental illness and addiction that radiated chaos to her children, partner, family, friends and neighbours. I have worried about her my whole life, supported her, stuck up for her when family called her a druggie, called GP’s, tried to engage her in Mental Health, Adult Social Care, Drug and Alcohol services. I have lain awake at night filled with anxiety and dread, wondering where she was, what was she doing, was she okay?
    In the last few years, every phone call, every text, meet up was an intervention. We did not have a sister relationship anymore. My children had not seen their aunt for 3 years. I also feel relieved for my sister, that she does not have to feel in so much emotional pain, she felt so shit and had lost so much that I’m not sure she ever would have felt okay.
    Thank you for the article, it’s helping me, my husband and my children to heal.

  27. Betty  January 3, 2020 at 1:08 pm Reply

    The article and responses are a great comfort to me. My little sister, 39 years old took her own life in February last year. I’m still feeling both devastated and relieved by her death. My sister was a wonderfully warm, funny, loyal and creative person who did not deserve the life cards she was dealt. She had a long history of mental illness and addiction that radiated chaos to her children, partner, family, friends and neighbours. I have worried about her my whole life, supported her, stuck up for her when family called her a druggie, called GP’s, tried to engage her in Mental Health, Adult Social Care, Drug and Alcohol services. I have lain awake at night filled with anxiety and dread, wondering where she was, what was she doing, was she okay?
    In the last few years, every phone call, every text, meet up was an intervention. We did not have a sister relationship anymore. My children had not seen their aunt for 3 years. I also feel relieved for my sister, that she does not have to feel in so much emotional pain, she felt so shit and had lost so much that I’m not sure she ever would have felt okay.
    Thank you for the article, it’s helping me, my husband and my children to heal.

  28. Betty  January 3, 2020 at 1:08 pm Reply

    The article and responses are a great comfort to me. My little sister, 39 years old took her own life in February last year. I’m still feeling both devastated and relieved by her death. My sister was a wonderfully warm, funny, loyal and creative person who did not deserve the life cards she was dealt. She had a long history of mental illness and addiction that radiated chaos to her children, partner, family, friends and neighbours. I have worried about her my whole life, supported her, stuck up for her when family called her a druggie, called GP’s, tried to engage her in Mental Health, Adult Social Care, Drug and Alcohol services. I have lain awake at night filled with anxiety and dread, wondering where she was, what was she doing, was she okay?
    In the last few years, every phone call, every text, meet up was an intervention. We did not have a sister relationship anymore. My children had not seen their aunt for 3 years. I also feel relieved for my sister, that she does not have to feel in so much emotional pain, she felt so shit and had lost so much that I’m not sure she ever would have felt okay.
    Thank you for the article, it’s helping me, my husband and my children to heal.

  29. Angelina  January 2, 2020 at 7:12 pm Reply

    My dad hung himself less than a week ago, he’d been struggling with bipolar disorder and alcohol addiction for the past couple of years. We tried to convince him to get help but he always refused, he would not admit that he needed treatment. Although it crossed my mind that he might do it one day (he tried before), I never seriously thought that this day would come. When I received the devastating news I couldn’t breathe, I still don’t feel as though it actually happened. My dad hasn’t been himself for years, and I guess I do feel a bit of a relief knowing that he is no longer suffering and that he can no longer hurt my mum. He used to be a fun, loving dad, but he hasn’t been there since my mid teens. I feel partially responsible because even though i knew he was sick I said some nasty things to him. In fact, I haven’t spoken to him at all for about 3 months and the last time I saw him, he told me he was glad that I was leaving. It was after a couple of months of his manic episode that was more intense than ever. I was supposed to come home 3 days after the day of his suicide and was planning to have a conversation to him, but it was too late. I’m sad. I wish I spoke to him sooner…

  30. Angelina  January 2, 2020 at 7:12 pm Reply

    My dad hung himself less than a week ago, he’d been struggling with bipolar disorder and alcohol addiction for the past couple of years. We tried to convince him to get help but he always refused, he would not admit that he needed treatment. Although it crossed my mind that he might do it one day (he tried before), I never seriously thought that this day would come. When I received the devastating news I couldn’t breathe, I still don’t feel as though it actually happened. My dad hasn’t been himself for years, and I guess I do feel a bit of a relief knowing that he is no longer suffering and that he can no longer hurt my mum. He used to be a fun, loving dad, but he hasn’t been there since my mid teens. I feel partially responsible because even though i knew he was sick I said some nasty things to him. In fact, I haven’t spoken to him at all for about 3 months and the last time I saw him, he told me he was glad that I was leaving. It was after a couple of months of his manic episode that was more intense than ever. I was supposed to come home 3 days after the day of his suicide and was planning to have a conversation to him, but it was too late. I’m sad. I wish I spoke to him sooner…

  31. Angelina  January 2, 2020 at 7:12 pm Reply

    My dad hung himself less than a week ago, he’d been struggling with bipolar disorder and alcohol addiction for the past couple of years. We tried to convince him to get help but he always refused, he would not admit that he needed treatment. Although it crossed my mind that he might do it one day (he tried before), I never seriously thought that this day would come. When I received the devastating news I couldn’t breathe, I still don’t feel as though it actually happened. My dad hasn’t been himself for years, and I guess I do feel a bit of a relief knowing that he is no longer suffering and that he can no longer hurt my mum. He used to be a fun, loving dad, but he hasn’t been there since my mid teens. I feel partially responsible because even though i knew he was sick I said some nasty things to him. In fact, I haven’t spoken to him at all for about 3 months and the last time I saw him, he told me he was glad that I was leaving. It was after a couple of months of his manic episode that was more intense than ever. I was supposed to come home 3 days after the day of his suicide and was planning to have a conversation to him, but it was too late. I’m sad. I wish I spoke to him sooner…

    • Rachael  January 5, 2020 at 11:17 pm Reply

      I’m sorry to hear that…your story is quite similar to mine although my father left a different way…it was just his 1 year…I was fine for a while…but now I’m lost again. Keep your head high…it does get better…times will get hard but you can do it!

    • Lucas  February 8, 2020 at 12:19 am Reply

      My mother just hung herself last week. You sound exactly like me and what I’m going thru.

    • Brie  March 4, 2020 at 4:39 am Reply

      My dad hung himself yesterday and I’m lost. This pain and guilt is like nothing I’ve experienced before.

  32. Lila Grace  December 19, 2019 at 10:27 pm Reply

    When I was about 4 my house was being worked on by a family friend and one of the workers always brought his son who was about ten at the time. He always played with me for months but one day not knowingly was my last day seeing him and i was probably 5 or 6. The other day i heard about a girl in my schools boyfriend or ex-boyfriend hanging himself in her laundry room. I knew the guys name but didnt even connect the two. A day ago my mom told me that my childhood best friend was that guy. i am devastated. i never got to say goodbye. Tomorrow is his wake and im going and i dont really know what to do so i googled some stuff and found this website and decided to spill everything in this comment.

  33. Lila Grace  December 19, 2019 at 10:27 pm Reply

    When I was about 4 my house was being worked on by a family friend and one of the workers always brought his son who was about ten at the time. He always played with me for months but one day not knowingly was my last day seeing him and i was probably 5 or 6. The other day i heard about a girl in my schools boyfriend or ex-boyfriend hanging himself in her laundry room. I knew the guys name but didnt even connect the two. A day ago my mom told me that my childhood best friend was that guy. i am devastated. i never got to say goodbye. Tomorrow is his wake and im going and i dont really know what to do so i googled some stuff and found this website and decided to spill everything in this comment.

  34. Lila Grace  December 19, 2019 at 10:27 pm Reply

    When I was about 4 my house was being worked on by a family friend and one of the workers always brought his son who was about ten at the time. He always played with me for months but one day not knowingly was my last day seeing him and i was probably 5 or 6. The other day i heard about a girl in my schools boyfriend or ex-boyfriend hanging himself in her laundry room. I knew the guys name but didnt even connect the two. A day ago my mom told me that my childhood best friend was that guy. i am devastated. i never got to say goodbye. Tomorrow is his wake and im going and i dont really know what to do so i googled some stuff and found this website and decided to spill everything in this comment.

  35. Emily  December 14, 2019 at 10:31 am Reply

    I posted this on another article, but it really belongs here…and edited for this space…
    My husband, age 43, killed himself just over a month ago. I found him, just like I believe he knew I would. He hung himself in our basement, and I had to get him down and try to perform CPR. On a dead body. The dead body of the man I had loved every day of my life since I was 20 years old. The man I had an argument with an hour earlier, because I caught him in yet another lie. The man who I walked out on to clear my head, only to return 20 minutes later to his dead body hanging from my ceiling.
    I know I am not the reason he killed himself, but I do know that I am the catalyst for it. He would tell me on an almost daily basis how much he hated the burden he felt he’d become since the fire in 2012. He was constantly in pain, both physical and emotional. I believe that he’d have taken his own life much sooner if it hadn’t have been for me. I also believe that he knew it would be me who found him, and maybe that was his way of pushing his destructive narcissism onto me one last time.
    If he were here right now (he didn’t leave a note, just 2 decades of predictive clues), I think he’d say he did it for me. Maybe to make me feel like his death was my fault, or maybe because he knew I’d never truly leave him, no matter how bad the arguing got. So he decided to leave. Self-care and all that.
    We had plenty of great times, as we were together for 21 1/2 years, but unfortunately I’m finding that the bad times are the ones that stick out most to me. I can’t seem to allow the good memories to outshine the bad ones. The bad ones were soooo bad! He suffered from PTSD, depression and the most crippling anxiety!
    The last 7 years, these had just gotten worse! Seven years ago, I thought the worst possible thing that could ever happen, happened. My husband (boyfriend at the time) was the victim of a devastating fire. Devastating not only to us, and the others who witnessed it. Friends went away, because they couldn’t look at him, knowing they did nothing to help. His depression deepened, and he took it out on me and his mother, as we were his support system. He began using drugs he’d never done before, using the excuse that “it is the only thing that takes the pain away”. I tried to be understanding of his suffering, yet I was suffering too! I faithfully took him to his therapy appointments, weekly, for over 12 years! I let his doctors know when he was having thoughts of self-harm, and when he made attempts, at least 5 times since the fire. They didn’t seem to think he was at risk.
    He spent the last 7 years of his life lying to me, and to himself, about how bad it really was. I’m also learning that he spent the previous 14 years lying to me too! The horrible things that I’ve found out since he’s died are ruining any chance I have to have a positive memory of the man I loved for my entire adult life. I feel like no matter how many of my friends and family members surround me with their love and healing, nobody truly understands how I’m feeling.
    I want to be who I was before him, a whole person who doesn’t have another’s issues running their life. I am tired of pushing people away, as that was always his thing, not mine. I’m done saying no to invitations, I’ve finally began saying yes again. I find myself wanting, in some way to forget he was part of my life. I know it sounds bad, but I am 41 years old, and have the rest of my life to continue living. I refuse to sit in the dark and grieve for something that didn’t make me happy.
    His death has been somewhat of a relief for me, as I no longer have his dark cloud hanging over me. I am grieving very differently than the other people in his life. I think I have grief guilt. I think his mom might see me going out, having fun and enjoying life and think I am somehow disgracing his memory. But she doesn’t know what I’ve found out. And she doesn’t need to. I just hope I’m not screwing myself up more feeling this way.
    Sorry for the rant.

  36. Emily  December 14, 2019 at 10:31 am Reply

    I posted this on another article, but it really belongs here…and edited for this space…
    My husband, age 43, killed himself just over a month ago. I found him, just like I believe he knew I would. He hung himself in our basement, and I had to get him down and try to perform CPR. On a dead body. The dead body of the man I had loved every day of my life since I was 20 years old. The man I had an argument with an hour earlier, because I caught him in yet another lie. The man who I walked out on to clear my head, only to return 20 minutes later to his dead body hanging from my ceiling.
    I know I am not the reason he killed himself, but I do know that I am the catalyst for it. He would tell me on an almost daily basis how much he hated the burden he felt he’d become since the fire in 2012. He was constantly in pain, both physical and emotional. I believe that he’d have taken his own life much sooner if it hadn’t have been for me. I also believe that he knew it would be me who found him, and maybe that was his way of pushing his destructive narcissism onto me one last time.
    If he were here right now (he didn’t leave a note, just 2 decades of predictive clues), I think he’d say he did it for me. Maybe to make me feel like his death was my fault, or maybe because he knew I’d never truly leave him, no matter how bad the arguing got. So he decided to leave. Self-care and all that.
    We had plenty of great times, as we were together for 21 1/2 years, but unfortunately I’m finding that the bad times are the ones that stick out most to me. I can’t seem to allow the good memories to outshine the bad ones. The bad ones were soooo bad! He suffered from PTSD, depression and the most crippling anxiety!
    The last 7 years, these had just gotten worse! Seven years ago, I thought the worst possible thing that could ever happen, happened. My husband (boyfriend at the time) was the victim of a devastating fire. Devastating not only to us, and the others who witnessed it. Friends went away, because they couldn’t look at him, knowing they did nothing to help. His depression deepened, and he took it out on me and his mother, as we were his support system. He began using drugs he’d never done before, using the excuse that “it is the only thing that takes the pain away”. I tried to be understanding of his suffering, yet I was suffering too! I faithfully took him to his therapy appointments, weekly, for over 12 years! I let his doctors know when he was having thoughts of self-harm, and when he made attempts, at least 5 times since the fire. They didn’t seem to think he was at risk.
    He spent the last 7 years of his life lying to me, and to himself, about how bad it really was. I’m also learning that he spent the previous 14 years lying to me too! The horrible things that I’ve found out since he’s died are ruining any chance I have to have a positive memory of the man I loved for my entire adult life. I feel like no matter how many of my friends and family members surround me with their love and healing, nobody truly understands how I’m feeling.
    I want to be who I was before him, a whole person who doesn’t have another’s issues running their life. I am tired of pushing people away, as that was always his thing, not mine. I’m done saying no to invitations, I’ve finally began saying yes again. I find myself wanting, in some way to forget he was part of my life. I know it sounds bad, but I am 41 years old, and have the rest of my life to continue living. I refuse to sit in the dark and grieve for something that didn’t make me happy.
    His death has been somewhat of a relief for me, as I no longer have his dark cloud hanging over me. I am grieving very differently than the other people in his life. I think I have grief guilt. I think his mom might see me going out, having fun and enjoying life and think I am somehow disgracing his memory. But she doesn’t know what I’ve found out. And she doesn’t need to. I just hope I’m not screwing myself up more feeling this way.
    Sorry for the rant.

  37. Emily  December 14, 2019 at 10:31 am Reply

    I posted this on another article, but it really belongs here…and edited for this space…
    My husband, age 43, killed himself just over a month ago. I found him, just like I believe he knew I would. He hung himself in our basement, and I had to get him down and try to perform CPR. On a dead body. The dead body of the man I had loved every day of my life since I was 20 years old. The man I had an argument with an hour earlier, because I caught him in yet another lie. The man who I walked out on to clear my head, only to return 20 minutes later to his dead body hanging from my ceiling.
    I know I am not the reason he killed himself, but I do know that I am the catalyst for it. He would tell me on an almost daily basis how much he hated the burden he felt he’d become since the fire in 2012. He was constantly in pain, both physical and emotional. I believe that he’d have taken his own life much sooner if it hadn’t have been for me. I also believe that he knew it would be me who found him, and maybe that was his way of pushing his destructive narcissism onto me one last time.
    If he were here right now (he didn’t leave a note, just 2 decades of predictive clues), I think he’d say he did it for me. Maybe to make me feel like his death was my fault, or maybe because he knew I’d never truly leave him, no matter how bad the arguing got. So he decided to leave. Self-care and all that.
    We had plenty of great times, as we were together for 21 1/2 years, but unfortunately I’m finding that the bad times are the ones that stick out most to me. I can’t seem to allow the good memories to outshine the bad ones. The bad ones were soooo bad! He suffered from PTSD, depression and the most crippling anxiety!
    The last 7 years, these had just gotten worse! Seven years ago, I thought the worst possible thing that could ever happen, happened. My husband (boyfriend at the time) was the victim of a devastating fire. Devastating not only to us, and the others who witnessed it. Friends went away, because they couldn’t look at him, knowing they did nothing to help. His depression deepened, and he took it out on me and his mother, as we were his support system. He began using drugs he’d never done before, using the excuse that “it is the only thing that takes the pain away”. I tried to be understanding of his suffering, yet I was suffering too! I faithfully took him to his therapy appointments, weekly, for over 12 years! I let his doctors know when he was having thoughts of self-harm, and when he made attempts, at least 5 times since the fire. They didn’t seem to think he was at risk.
    He spent the last 7 years of his life lying to me, and to himself, about how bad it really was. I’m also learning that he spent the previous 14 years lying to me too! The horrible things that I’ve found out since he’s died are ruining any chance I have to have a positive memory of the man I loved for my entire adult life. I feel like no matter how many of my friends and family members surround me with their love and healing, nobody truly understands how I’m feeling.
    I want to be who I was before him, a whole person who doesn’t have another’s issues running their life. I am tired of pushing people away, as that was always his thing, not mine. I’m done saying no to invitations, I’ve finally began saying yes again. I find myself wanting, in some way to forget he was part of my life. I know it sounds bad, but I am 41 years old, and have the rest of my life to continue living. I refuse to sit in the dark and grieve for something that didn’t make me happy.
    His death has been somewhat of a relief for me, as I no longer have his dark cloud hanging over me. I am grieving very differently than the other people in his life. I think I have grief guilt. I think his mom might see me going out, having fun and enjoying life and think I am somehow disgracing his memory. But she doesn’t know what I’ve found out. And she doesn’t need to. I just hope I’m not screwing myself up more feeling this way.
    Sorry for the rant.

    • Betty  January 3, 2020 at 1:15 pm Reply

      Hey, don’t be sorry, it’s not a rant, it’s how you feel. Thanks for sharing, makes me feel better!

    • Angela  January 12, 2020 at 8:52 am Reply

      Emily, when I read your story I felt like I finally connected to something that resonates with what I’m going through. My ex-husband took his own life a week ago. Though we divorced a year ago, and he had been living in another state for 2 years due to his having burned his life to the ground here, we were still in a relationship. The man I loved for almost 12 years, the charming, fun, spontaneous, passionate and tender hearted one, was also a tornado of narcissism, addiction, indifference, and at times cruelty, that absolutely ripped through my life and sucked me wholly into his center. I both loved unconditionally, and despised and resented, this man, locked in a battle with myself over how I could love someone who treated me so badly, and how I could cut ties with someone I felt so irreversibly connected with. When I didn’t hear from him for a couple of days, my heart sank, and I believed he had probably relapsed on drugs, again, and was in the hospital or a rehab. When I finally reached his sister and learned he’d shot himself, alone in his car, parked by the beach, only someone who has lost someone to a death by their own hand can understand the unreality of that moment, and the shock, the sick twist you just got handed. There were plenty of reasons why he would’ve done this, the hopelessness of addiction, loss of his kids, his fading youth and ego, his mental illness.. whether something happened that was the last straw I’ll never know. But I think I have to look at it like he’s someone who broke slowly, and then all at once. I’ve been studying narcissism for years trying to make sense of him and of us, and the bottom line is, I have to accept this was the inevitable outcome of a lot of factors, some his fault, some not. He changed once he lost all the outer trappings of success, vitality, and control over his life. I thought he had become more humble..but in fact, I think he felt stripped bare without the ability to behave arrogantly and with entitlement, and like a dying star, he imploded. I’m grieving for him because I did love him, do love him, but I’m also grieving for my truly unlived life the last decade, holding on to something I knew wasn’t what I deserved or even wanted. His death feels like a statement, the final I Don’t Care in a long string of I don’t cares. I will not let this destroy me, own me forever. When I’m ready to start really getting painfully honest with myself, I’ll begin to heal. Not just from this, but from the years I lived broken and confused. You’re strong for deciding to live your life finally, and don’t let anyone’s judgment of that affect you. Only you know what can keep you putting one foot in front of the other, and no matter what that is, do it, and keep doing it.

      • Emily Coleman  March 2, 2020 at 12:33 pm

        Angela,
        What a great analogy, a tornado that sucked you into its center. That’s exactly how I feel/felt. If you ever need to talk, please feel free to contact me via email. emily@thereissstudio.com

  38. Lily  November 21, 2019 at 5:36 pm Reply

    October 22, 2019 my partner of 20 years hung himself in our garage. We had “the suicide conversation” numerous times over the past 3 years; I knew his plan.
    My Mike suffered almost his entire life with depression and PTSD from an abusive alcoholic father. Then there was a motor vehicle accident that cause chronic pain-the trifecta!
    Mike was the most compliant person I ever knew-he did the work, took the meds, participated in therapy, etc.
    He would have been 52 on October 31.
    Mike was my first light, last light, my daylight, my moonlight and my nightlight.

  39. Lily  November 21, 2019 at 5:36 pm Reply

    October 22, 2019 my partner of 20 years hung himself in our garage. We had “the suicide conversation” numerous times over the past 3 years; I knew his plan.
    My Mike suffered almost his entire life with depression and PTSD from an abusive alcoholic father. Then there was a motor vehicle accident that cause chronic pain-the trifecta!
    Mike was the most compliant person I ever knew-he did the work, took the meds, participated in therapy, etc.
    He would have been 52 on October 31.
    Mike was my first light, last light, my daylight, my moonlight and my nightlight.

  40. Lily  November 21, 2019 at 5:36 pm Reply

    October 22, 2019 my partner of 20 years hung himself in our garage. We had “the suicide conversation” numerous times over the past 3 years; I knew his plan.
    My Mike suffered almost his entire life with depression and PTSD from an abusive alcoholic father. Then there was a motor vehicle accident that cause chronic pain-the trifecta!
    Mike was the most compliant person I ever knew-he did the work, took the meds, participated in therapy, etc.
    He would have been 52 on October 31.
    Mike was my first light, last light, my daylight, my moonlight and my nightlight.

  41. ben  November 17, 2019 at 7:59 am Reply

    my best friend killed herself on the 9th april 2017. i don’t really have a long story for it, but i haven’t admitted it outloud or in writing really. she had a heart condition, and faced w/ the prospect of a shortened life, and a body she hated, she killed herself. here seems like a good place to just, i don’t know, put it out?

  42. ben  November 17, 2019 at 7:59 am Reply

    my best friend killed herself on the 9th april 2017. i don’t really have a long story for it, but i haven’t admitted it outloud or in writing really. she had a heart condition, and faced w/ the prospect of a shortened life, and a body she hated, she killed herself. here seems like a good place to just, i don’t know, put it out?

  43. ben  November 17, 2019 at 7:59 am Reply

    my best friend killed herself on the 9th april 2017. i don’t really have a long story for it, but i haven’t admitted it outloud or in writing really. she had a heart condition, and faced w/ the prospect of a shortened life, and a body she hated, she killed herself. here seems like a good place to just, i don’t know, put it out?

  44. June Hutson  November 12, 2019 at 4:57 pm Reply

    My precious daughter took her life on July 7th 2019. That day was the end of her life on earth and mine too.I mostly just stay in bed and read my daughters last text messages to me begging me to believe her to believe that she was not hearing voices,that people in the neighborhood were really stalking us. Then I see that I could have should have insisted on her going into a hospital.I took her to her psychiatrist less than a week before she took her own life. He was uncaring and unfeeling. She begged him to help her and he did not. Then I begged for her to be re-evaluated and his attitude was awful. So I went to see my own doctor and told him how scared I was ,he said he also could not help. There was really no good mental health care in our whole state.I then called another doctor that I found in our area and told them what was happening and asked for an appointment for her to be completely re-evaluated. The earliest they could give us was July 11th.So we looked forward to that date.Lindsey became very scared of seeing the new doctor thinking he would hospitalize her but she said she would go My precious daughter was the love of our life and we worried about her all the time. I knew what mental illness was as I had suffered most of my life with severe depression and anxiety. Now I passed this horrible illness on to my precious daughter.Our lives went along alright most of the time, Lindsey had tried hard to work and be a part of society. Finally at 25 years old we had to face that she was not able to work anymore. She was always scared to drive so I would take her to work only to have her call me crying sometimes even before I got home. That broke Lindsey’s heart and ours too.She just was not able to be independent of us.Back in those days I really thought that I was a good mother. That I was doing all I could to help her and encourage her to be as independent as possible.Our two older children that live away from us and have been for years,they are twenty years older than Lindsey,always said I spoiled her.Then losing her Daddy so suddenly both of us watching him go from seeming fine,laughing and watching TV to being gone,just gone in a matter of minutes.He died of a sudden heart attack. All that should have brought us together,it was just the two of us now but it somehow made us both much worse mentally.We seemed to blame each other in some crazy way when it was not our fault at all. She hated it that I cremated his body but she did not say that until it was done. She said I should have called 911 quicker but it all happened so fast so very fast.  I blamed her in some crazy way for many little things ,things she had no control over. Things like that. I was just angry at the world and took it out on the only person there.I went into a very deep depression, and even knowing how bad Lindsey’s depression must be I could not pull myself out of it.I went into my room and left poor Lindsey alone with her grief.I would not even say I love you at times, I felt frozen inside. Like I had no heart. I don’t love you, I don’t love anyone was what I would say in one of my horrible fits I guess you would say. I  was the one in my family who always hugged ,now she could not even hug me. I would stand there stiff and frozen.It was an awful way to feel and worse to say. Then I would of  course tell her that” I do love you,” and I’m sorry but she was already grieving her Daddy so bad now she felt like she lost her Momma too.Lindsey seemed to only keep the bad words,the bad arguments that we had been having since his death.So my guilt about letting my daughter down and I feel actually causing her to finally take her own life is eating me alive.Yes, she had been threatening suicide since her very early teens and at first we were terrified, It was awful so scary ,we would do anything say anything to stop her. Then the years went by and the threats still happened,  after years went by it started to feel like just a threat and that it would never really happen.This is hard to admit but whatever was going on with her illness had caused her to become physical at times. Looking back I think I was being so cold and mean that she had no other way to fight back.She had never really hurt me bad but I guess because of my past abuse in childhood and as a young woman I was not able to deal with this. I found myself thinking OK, I was abused as a baby,a child , a wife now I’m elderly and  my own daughter!So I had a hard time moving past it and  instead of trying to understand why she might be doing this I became angry.  I would hold a grudge. So the way it was Lindsey and I would argue ,she would get physical,then we would make up and she would try to hug me, I would pull away and she would be so hurt.I could never explain to her how it made me feel to be pushed,or squeezed or have her hand over my mouth and then her try to hug and kiss and make up.Now I realize that she was only trying to make me stop saying mean things.So it was in this kind of horrible atmosphere that the unthinkable day happened.That day, that horrible day, we were again arguing and she had stood in front of me in a kitchen  corner and started saying hit me hit me over and over,I know you want to,I did not want to,I don’t even now know where that came from. Now I normally never hit my baby,I had been psychically abused during much of my life and I did not even believe in spanking.For some God awful reason I did that day. I slapped her and she slapped me back.She walked off and changed her cloths, it was pouring rain and she had been outside  and got wet. I called to her saying Lindsey please come in the house,You will get pneumonia.Now she came back in the kitchen and she said I’m going to hang myself, In  my anger with my face still stinging as I’m sure hers  was I said Go Ahead.NEVER NEVER NEVER even remotely thinking it was real. She asked me again really? God help me I said yes.Our sick pattern was she would threaten then walk off and I would chase her or call or message and beg her not to hurt herself then we would make up.I had just bought her a new lime green couch and a pretty chair with birds all over and she had been out back in her little playhouse,a small house that we had for her to have privacy and a place to feel at least some independence.She was up there cleaning and vacuuming getting it all ready for her new furniture..She had told me how excited she was to sit on her new couch and use her new headphones.Then while vacuuming the breaker burned out and now she had no power. We were both in a hurry to get power again since it was only two days before delivery of her new furniture.That day seconds after she walked out the back door the front doorbell rang. I knew it was an electrician we had called because her power was out in her little playhouse, a building we gave her with a loft and TV .Well I answered the front door, began talking to the electrician about the power, a breaker needed replaced. I truly thought she was up there just just like always and never imagined anything else.The electrician found my baby, she had hung herself. She had told me she had been up in the loft earlier but I had no thought that she had been up there making a thing out of her dogs lease to do this nightmare thing. She had not only lost her Daddy but her two dogs died within months,and she lost her elderly cat a month before,she had lost her best friend kitty while her Daddy was still here. So much death.The repairman said later it looked like she was trying to get down, but she had been standing in an old folding lawn chair and it had broken trapping her legs.So if I had not said Go Ahead, if I had run after her like always, if only I had not answered the front door, if I had not been so selfish in my grief for my husband. All that and more if I had been a good Momma to my beautiful little girl she would be here now.So why am I here? I am an old sick woman who deserves death.She was a young beautiful girl who had not lived her life.Sorry I just had to say it all.

  45. June Hutson  November 12, 2019 at 4:57 pm Reply

    My precious daughter took her life on July 7th 2019. That day was the end of her life on earth and mine too.I mostly just stay in bed and read my daughters last text messages to me begging me to believe her to believe that she was not hearing voices,that people in the neighborhood were really stalking us. Then I see that I could have should have insisted on her going into a hospital.I took her to her psychiatrist less than a week before she took her own life. He was uncaring and unfeeling. She begged him to help her and he did not. Then I begged for her to be re-evaluated and his attitude was awful. So I went to see my own doctor and told him how scared I was ,he said he also could not help. There was really no good mental health care in our whole state.I then called another doctor that I found in our area and told them what was happening and asked for an appointment for her to be completely re-evaluated. The earliest they could give us was July 11th.So we looked forward to that date.Lindsey became very scared of seeing the new doctor thinking he would hospitalize her but she said she would go My precious daughter was the love of our life and we worried about her all the time. I knew what mental illness was as I had suffered most of my life with severe depression and anxiety. Now I passed this horrible illness on to my precious daughter.Our lives went along alright most of the time, Lindsey had tried hard to work and be a part of society. Finally at 25 years old we had to face that she was not able to work anymore. She was always scared to drive so I would take her to work only to have her call me crying sometimes even before I got home. That broke Lindsey’s heart and ours too.She just was not able to be independent of us.Back in those days I really thought that I was a good mother. That I was doing all I could to help her and encourage her to be as independent as possible.Our two older children that live away from us and have been for years,they are twenty years older than Lindsey,always said I spoiled her.Then losing her Daddy so suddenly both of us watching him go from seeming fine,laughing and watching TV to being gone,just gone in a matter of minutes.He died of a sudden heart attack. All that should have brought us together,it was just the two of us now but it somehow made us both much worse mentally.We seemed to blame each other in some crazy way when it was not our fault at all. She hated it that I cremated his body but she did not say that until it was done. She said I should have called 911 quicker but it all happened so fast so very fast.  I blamed her in some crazy way for many little things ,things she had no control over. Things like that. I was just angry at the world and took it out on the only person there.I went into a very deep depression, and even knowing how bad Lindsey’s depression must be I could not pull myself out of it.I went into my room and left poor Lindsey alone with her grief.I would not even say I love you at times, I felt frozen inside. Like I had no heart. I don’t love you, I don’t love anyone was what I would say in one of my horrible fits I guess you would say. I  was the one in my family who always hugged ,now she could not even hug me. I would stand there stiff and frozen.It was an awful way to feel and worse to say. Then I would of  course tell her that” I do love you,” and I’m sorry but she was already grieving her Daddy so bad now she felt like she lost her Momma too.Lindsey seemed to only keep the bad words,the bad arguments that we had been having since his death.So my guilt about letting my daughter down and I feel actually causing her to finally take her own life is eating me alive.Yes, she had been threatening suicide since her very early teens and at first we were terrified, It was awful so scary ,we would do anything say anything to stop her. Then the years went by and the threats still happened,  after years went by it started to feel like just a threat and that it would never really happen.This is hard to admit but whatever was going on with her illness had caused her to become physical at times. Looking back I think I was being so cold and mean that she had no other way to fight back.She had never really hurt me bad but I guess because of my past abuse in childhood and as a young woman I was not able to deal with this. I found myself thinking OK, I was abused as a baby,a child , a wife now I’m elderly and  my own daughter!So I had a hard time moving past it and  instead of trying to understand why she might be doing this I became angry.  I would hold a grudge. So the way it was Lindsey and I would argue ,she would get physical,then we would make up and she would try to hug me, I would pull away and she would be so hurt.I could never explain to her how it made me feel to be pushed,or squeezed or have her hand over my mouth and then her try to hug and kiss and make up.Now I realize that she was only trying to make me stop saying mean things.So it was in this kind of horrible atmosphere that the unthinkable day happened.That day, that horrible day, we were again arguing and she had stood in front of me in a kitchen  corner and started saying hit me hit me over and over,I know you want to,I did not want to,I don’t even now know where that came from. Now I normally never hit my baby,I had been psychically abused during much of my life and I did not even believe in spanking.For some God awful reason I did that day. I slapped her and she slapped me back.She walked off and changed her cloths, it was pouring rain and she had been outside  and got wet. I called to her saying Lindsey please come in the house,You will get pneumonia.Now she came back in the kitchen and she said I’m going to hang myself, In  my anger with my face still stinging as I’m sure hers  was I said Go Ahead.NEVER NEVER NEVER even remotely thinking it was real. She asked me again really? God help me I said yes.Our sick pattern was she would threaten then walk off and I would chase her or call or message and beg her not to hurt herself then we would make up.I had just bought her a new lime green couch and a pretty chair with birds all over and she had been out back in her little playhouse,a small house that we had for her to have privacy and a place to feel at least some independence.She was up there cleaning and vacuuming getting it all ready for her new furniture..She had told me how excited she was to sit on her new couch and use her new headphones.Then while vacuuming the breaker burned out and now she had no power. We were both in a hurry to get power again since it was only two days before delivery of her new furniture.That day seconds after she walked out the back door the front doorbell rang. I knew it was an electrician we had called because her power was out in her little playhouse, a building we gave her with a loft and TV .Well I answered the front door, began talking to the electrician about the power, a breaker needed replaced. I truly thought she was up there just just like always and never imagined anything else.The electrician found my baby, she had hung herself. She had told me she had been up in the loft earlier but I had no thought that she had been up there making a thing out of her dogs lease to do this nightmare thing. She had not only lost her Daddy but her two dogs died within months,and she lost her elderly cat a month before,she had lost her best friend kitty while her Daddy was still here. So much death.The repairman said later it looked like she was trying to get down, but she had been standing in an old folding lawn chair and it had broken trapping her legs.So if I had not said Go Ahead, if I had run after her like always, if only I had not answered the front door, if I had not been so selfish in my grief for my husband. All that and more if I had been a good Momma to my beautiful little girl she would be here now.So why am I here? I am an old sick woman who deserves death.She was a young beautiful girl who had not lived her life.Sorry I just had to say it all.

  46. June Hutson  November 12, 2019 at 4:57 pm Reply

    My precious daughter took her life on July 7th 2019. That day was the end of her life on earth and mine too.I mostly just stay in bed and read my daughters last text messages to me begging me to believe her to believe that she was not hearing voices,that people in the neighborhood were really stalking us. Then I see that I could have should have insisted on her going into a hospital.I took her to her psychiatrist less than a week before she took her own life. He was uncaring and unfeeling. She begged him to help her and he did not. Then I begged for her to be re-evaluated and his attitude was awful. So I went to see my own doctor and told him how scared I was ,he said he also could not help. There was really no good mental health care in our whole state.I then called another doctor that I found in our area and told them what was happening and asked for an appointment for her to be completely re-evaluated. The earliest they could give us was July 11th.So we looked forward to that date.Lindsey became very scared of seeing the new doctor thinking he would hospitalize her but she said she would go My precious daughter was the love of our life and we worried about her all the time. I knew what mental illness was as I had suffered most of my life with severe depression and anxiety. Now I passed this horrible illness on to my precious daughter.Our lives went along alright most of the time, Lindsey had tried hard to work and be a part of society. Finally at 25 years old we had to face that she was not able to work anymore. She was always scared to drive so I would take her to work only to have her call me crying sometimes even before I got home. That broke Lindsey’s heart and ours too.She just was not able to be independent of us.Back in those days I really thought that I was a good mother. That I was doing all I could to help her and encourage her to be as independent as possible.Our two older children that live away from us and have been for years,they are twenty years older than Lindsey,always said I spoiled her.Then losing her Daddy so suddenly both of us watching him go from seeming fine,laughing and watching TV to being gone,just gone in a matter of minutes.He died of a sudden heart attack. All that should have brought us together,it was just the two of us now but it somehow made us both much worse mentally.We seemed to blame each other in some crazy way when it was not our fault at all. She hated it that I cremated his body but she did not say that until it was done. She said I should have called 911 quicker but it all happened so fast so very fast.  I blamed her in some crazy way for many little things ,things she had no control over. Things like that. I was just angry at the world and took it out on the only person there.I went into a very deep depression, and even knowing how bad Lindsey’s depression must be I could not pull myself out of it.I went into my room and left poor Lindsey alone with her grief.I would not even say I love you at times, I felt frozen inside. Like I had no heart. I don’t love you, I don’t love anyone was what I would say in one of my horrible fits I guess you would say. I  was the one in my family who always hugged ,now she could not even hug me. I would stand there stiff and frozen.It was an awful way to feel and worse to say. Then I would of  course tell her that” I do love you,” and I’m sorry but she was already grieving her Daddy so bad now she felt like she lost her Momma too.Lindsey seemed to only keep the bad words,the bad arguments that we had been having since his death.So my guilt about letting my daughter down and I feel actually causing her to finally take her own life is eating me alive.Yes, she had been threatening suicide since her very early teens and at first we were terrified, It was awful so scary ,we would do anything say anything to stop her. Then the years went by and the threats still happened,  after years went by it started to feel like just a threat and that it would never really happen.This is hard to admit but whatever was going on with her illness had caused her to become physical at times. Looking back I think I was being so cold and mean that she had no other way to fight back.She had never really hurt me bad but I guess because of my past abuse in childhood and as a young woman I was not able to deal with this. I found myself thinking OK, I was abused as a baby,a child , a wife now I’m elderly and  my own daughter!So I had a hard time moving past it and  instead of trying to understand why she might be doing this I became angry.  I would hold a grudge. So the way it was Lindsey and I would argue ,she would get physical,then we would make up and she would try to hug me, I would pull away and she would be so hurt.I could never explain to her how it made me feel to be pushed,or squeezed or have her hand over my mouth and then her try to hug and kiss and make up.Now I realize that she was only trying to make me stop saying mean things.So it was in this kind of horrible atmosphere that the unthinkable day happened.That day, that horrible day, we were again arguing and she had stood in front of me in a kitchen  corner and started saying hit me hit me over and over,I know you want to,I did not want to,I don’t even now know where that came from. Now I normally never hit my baby,I had been psychically abused during much of my life and I did not even believe in spanking.For some God awful reason I did that day. I slapped her and she slapped me back.She walked off and changed her cloths, it was pouring rain and she had been outside  and got wet. I called to her saying Lindsey please come in the house,You will get pneumonia.Now she came back in the kitchen and she said I’m going to hang myself, In  my anger with my face still stinging as I’m sure hers  was I said Go Ahead.NEVER NEVER NEVER even remotely thinking it was real. She asked me again really? God help me I said yes.Our sick pattern was she would threaten then walk off and I would chase her or call or message and beg her not to hurt herself then we would make up.I had just bought her a new lime green couch and a pretty chair with birds all over and she had been out back in her little playhouse,a small house that we had for her to have privacy and a place to feel at least some independence.She was up there cleaning and vacuuming getting it all ready for her new furniture..She had told me how excited she was to sit on her new couch and use her new headphones.Then while vacuuming the breaker burned out and now she had no power. We were both in a hurry to get power again since it was only two days before delivery of her new furniture.That day seconds after she walked out the back door the front doorbell rang. I knew it was an electrician we had called because her power was out in her little playhouse, a building we gave her with a loft and TV .Well I answered the front door, began talking to the electrician about the power, a breaker needed replaced. I truly thought she was up there just just like always and never imagined anything else.The electrician found my baby, she had hung herself. She had told me she had been up in the loft earlier but I had no thought that she had been up there making a thing out of her dogs lease to do this nightmare thing. She had not only lost her Daddy but her two dogs died within months,and she lost her elderly cat a month before,she had lost her best friend kitty while her Daddy was still here. So much death.The repairman said later it looked like she was trying to get down, but she had been standing in an old folding lawn chair and it had broken trapping her legs.So if I had not said Go Ahead, if I had run after her like always, if only I had not answered the front door, if I had not been so selfish in my grief for my husband. All that and more if I had been a good Momma to my beautiful little girl she would be here now.So why am I here? I am an old sick woman who deserves death.She was a young beautiful girl who had not lived her life.Sorry I just had to say it all.

    • Nolene  November 18, 2019 at 4:39 pm Reply

      Dear June
      I am so very sorry for your loss and grief. Your story really touched my soul. I lost my mother May 25th 2019. She hung herself in a hotel. I am incredibly sad and traumatized and am also dealing with grief and anxiety from it. My mom was mentally ill for years following a stroke. In and out of mental hospitals for years. They said it was Bipolar.. but I think it was other things as well. She thought people were breaking in to her condo, raping her, stealing things etc. I have fought for her to help her for years but as you know.. mentally ill people are very difficult to deal with on any level. She threatened suicide for years and none of us thought she’d ever do it. Like your situation, my mom and I could get along but also said hateful things to each other. I didn’t get to see her on Mother’s Day and I will regret that and other things probably forever. We loved each other and that’s what counts…just like you and your daughter loved each other. I could not have saved my mother nor could you your daughter. No matter what we did. It was going to happen despite every intervention. It was not your fault…. it was not my fault. They made that decision long before your fight..long before any of the fights we had. For whatever reason.. that was their destiny as damn terrible as it is. I go to therapy and it’s really helped me to process. The biggest thing is self forgiveness and letting go of the guilt. I just wanted to reach out to you and say I will pray for us both. I hope they are safe with God where there is no more suffering. Try to live your best life in her honor, that’s what I am going to do. They really in their sane selves would wish that for us. Much Love and light to you.

  47. Ella  November 11, 2019 at 11:22 pm Reply

    Hi I’m Ella I’m 14. Um my best friend for 9 years is probably the most suicidal person I know, the cutting got to the point where she could accidentally commit, she’s in a mental hospital right now for a month I miss her so much I don’t even know if this is gonna help her. Is it normal to feel like she’s already dead ? What do i do

  48. Ella  November 11, 2019 at 11:22 pm Reply

    Hi I’m Ella I’m 14. Um my best friend for 9 years is probably the most suicidal person I know, the cutting got to the point where she could accidentally commit, she’s in a mental hospital right now for a month I miss her so much I don’t even know if this is gonna help her. Is it normal to feel like she’s already dead ? What do i do

  49. Ella  November 11, 2019 at 11:22 pm Reply

    Hi I’m Ella I’m 14. Um my best friend for 9 years is probably the most suicidal person I know, the cutting got to the point where she could accidentally commit, she’s in a mental hospital right now for a month I miss her so much I don’t even know if this is gonna help her. Is it normal to feel like she’s already dead ? What do i do

  50. Ella  November 11, 2019 at 11:22 pm Reply

    Hi I’m Ella I’m 14. Um my best friend for 9 years is probably the most suicidal person I know, the cutting got to the point where she could accidentally commit, she’s in a mental hospital right now for a month I miss her so much I don’t even know if this is gonna help her. Is it normal to feel like she’s already dead ?

  51. Ella  November 11, 2019 at 11:22 pm Reply

    Hi I’m Ella I’m 14. Um my best friend for 9 years is probably the most suicidal person I know, the cutting got to the point where she could accidentally commit, she’s in a mental hospital right now for a month I miss her so much I don’t even know if this is gonna help her. Is it normal to feel like she’s already dead ?

  52. Ella  November 11, 2019 at 11:22 pm Reply

    Hi I’m Ella I’m 14. Um my best friend for 9 years is probably the most suicidal person I know, the cutting got to the point where she could accidentally commit, she’s in a mental hospital right now for a month I miss her so much I don’t even know if this is gonna help her. Is it normal to feel like she’s already dead ?

    • Brian  January 12, 2020 at 12:57 am Reply

      Ella,

      Be your idea of a good person (thoughtful, kind, empathetic, etc.). Keep that big heart and train yourself.

      Take care of yourself.

  53. Amelia shongwe  November 5, 2019 at 9:07 am Reply

    Dear Mam

    My son passed away on the 16/11/2019 and he killed him self.

    He didn’t live any note and he didn’t say anything to me. his son was born on Friday and Saturday he killed him self. but his friends told me after the funeral that the child was not his. I want to do a DNA test and prove that the child was not his. then after that can I sue the mother of the child for all the pain she has cause me and my family?

  54. Amelia shongwe  November 5, 2019 at 9:07 am Reply

    Dear Mam

    My son passed away on the 16/11/2019 and he killed him self.

    He didn’t live any note and he didn’t say anything to me. his son was born on Friday and Saturday he killed him self. but his friends told me after the funeral that the child was not his. I want to do a DNA test and prove that the child was not his. then after that can I sue the mother of the child for all the pain she has cause me and my family?

  55. Amelia shongwe  November 5, 2019 at 9:07 am Reply

    Dear Mam

    My son passed away on the 16/11/2019 and he killed him self.

    He didn’t live any note and he didn’t say anything to me. his son was born on Friday and Saturday he killed him self. but his friends told me after the funeral that the child was not his. I want to do a DNA test and prove that the child was not his. then after that can I sue the mother of the child for all the pain she has cause me and my family?

  56. Frank Schumpert  October 18, 2019 at 10:09 pm Reply

    I am a surviving father and husband of two suicides in my family. My wife of 26 years after suffering from bi-polar and borderline personality, took her own life on October 8th, 2000. On September 8th 2019 I found my son in his apartment dead from a self inflicted gun shot to his head. He was 27 years old, and he was a combat veteran who had been out of the Army for 5 years.
    In the 5 years he was treated by the mental health people at the VA. He could not hold a job due to his mental state, It was just failure after failure until he reach a point where he had had enough of this life.
    I’m sure that he inherited genes from his mother that affected him in the same way, he spoke to me of his depression and creid out for help, he just wanted a normal life, but instead he suffered mentally and physically agony every minute of the day.
    I text and called him every day, when I didn’t hear from him on the 8th of September, a great fear arose inside me, I went to his apartment and found my son dead.
    I don’t know if I can go on, my heart is broken and destroyed by these suicides and the pain that neither my wife or son aske for or deserved. What hope is there for this life?

    • Kristin  October 19, 2019 at 2:04 am Reply

      Frank, I am so sorry for your losses. I lost my only brother and my dad to suicide in 2015. My grandmother and great-grandfather also died of suicide. I’m only telling you this to hopefully help you feel less alone. I understand how complicated your grief is, and that it makes sense to ask how to go on, or why. I don’t have a good answer, except – you just do. You just do it. You go on for that tiny spark that’s inside you. That tiny part of you that’s still alive. Still loves. That tiny spark is enough to keep you alive, and it holds all your feelings of despair, rage, love, confusion, hope… there is still hope and you will find your way out. That spark will grow to light your way out of the hell you’re in now. I don’t know how, or when, but it will.

  57. Frank Schumpert  October 18, 2019 at 10:09 pm Reply

    I am a surviving father and husband of two suicides in my family. My wife of 26 years after suffering from bi-polar and borderline personality, took her own life on October 8th, 2000. On September 8th 2019 I found my son in his apartment dead from a self inflicted gun shot to his head. He was 27 years old, and he was a combat veteran who had been out of the Army for 5 years.
    In the 5 years he was treated by the mental health people at the VA. He could not hold a job due to his mental state, It was just failure after failure until he reach a point where he had had enough of this life.
    I’m sure that he inherited genes from his mother that affected him in the same way, he spoke to me of his depression and creid out for help, he just wanted a normal life, but instead he suffered mentally and physically agony every minute of the day.
    I text and called him every day, when I didn’t hear from him on the 8th of September, a great fear arose inside me, I went to his apartment and found my son dead.
    I don’t know if I can go on, my heart is broken and destroyed by these suicides and the pain that neither my wife or son aske for or deserved. What hope is there for this life?

    • Kristin  October 19, 2019 at 2:04 am Reply

      Frank, I am so sorry for your losses. I lost my only brother and my dad to suicide in 2015. My grandmother and great-grandfather also died of suicide. I’m only telling you this to hopefully help you feel less alone. I understand how complicated your grief is, and that it makes sense to ask how to go on, or why. I don’t have a good answer, except – you just do. You just do it. You go on for that tiny spark that’s inside you. That tiny part of you that’s still alive. Still loves. That tiny spark is enough to keep you alive, and it holds all your feelings of despair, rage, love, confusion, hope… there is still hope and you will find your way out. That spark will grow to light your way out of the hell you’re in now. I don’t know how, or when, but it will.

  58. Frank Schumpert  October 18, 2019 at 10:09 pm Reply

    I am a surviving father and husband of two suicides in my family. My wife of 26 years after suffering from bi-polar and borderline personality, took her own life on October 8th, 2000. On September 8th 2019 I found my son in his apartment dead from a self inflicted gun shot to his head. He was 27 years old, and he was a combat veteran who had been out of the Army for 5 years.
    In the 5 years he was treated by the mental health people at the VA. He could not hold a job due to his mental state, It was just failure after failure until he reach a point where he had had enough of this life.
    I’m sure that he inherited genes from his mother that affected him in the same way, he spoke to me of his depression and creid out for help, he just wanted a normal life, but instead he suffered mentally and physically agony every minute of the day.
    I text and called him every day, when I didn’t hear from him on the 8th of September, a great fear arose inside me, I went to his apartment and found my son dead.
    I don’t know if I can go on, my heart is broken and destroyed by these suicides and the pain that neither my wife or son aske for or deserved. What hope is there for this life?

    • Kristin  October 19, 2019 at 2:04 am Reply

      Frank, I am so sorry for your losses. I lost my only brother and my dad to suicide in 2015. My grandmother and great-grandfather also died of suicide. I’m only telling you this to hopefully help you feel less alone. I understand how complicated your grief is, and that it makes sense to ask how to go on, or why. I don’t have a good answer, except – you just do. You just do it. You go on for that tiny spark that’s inside you. That tiny part of you that’s still alive. Still loves. That tiny spark is enough to keep you alive, and it holds all your feelings of despair, rage, love, confusion, hope… there is still hope and you will find your way out. That spark will grow to light your way out of the hell you’re in now. I don’t know how, or when, but it will.

      • Lisa  November 23, 2019 at 7:01 pm

        Thank you Kristin . Im looking for that little spark . to keep pushing me along.

    • Kathleen  December 8, 2019 at 5:13 am Reply

      Frank,
      I want to give my condolences!!! I am soooo sorry.
      I know how you feel slightly, but when you state what hope is there? I need a spark too.
      My husband of 22-years took his life in May 2019. I still have not “accepted” the fact that I will never physically see him again.

      Kristins reply and nice words, are a little hope!.
      With Love and Hugs…
      ~ Kathleen

    • Shara  December 11, 2019 at 12:40 pm Reply

      My husband, a family practice physician, committed suicide in 2015. It was devastating to watch him descend into a deep depression, and I tried to no avail to help him. Stressors included work and fears that he was prescribing too many controlled substances (this had come to his supervisor’s attention yet there was no direct consequence) and fears that his very elderly father might pass. His father, a pastor who was very loving, kind, and compassionate, was a rock to David. Another stressor was that David was awarded custody of his daughter, and this created extra effort to get in many ways to provide a good upbringing for her. At Christmas, my husband became very anxious and depressed, and he was having difficulty functioning. We decided to go for an evaluation, and he was surprisingly admitted to the hospital. The next several months involved several rounds of ECT, a diagnosis of Bipolar I, transfer to another facility, and a couple more hospitalizations. Custody of his daughter was returned to his ex-wife, and he would come home for a few days, rapidly decline in terms of paranoia ( would not eat anything I cooked, was insistent that we were going broke) and he refused to bathe. The decline was shocking, and no combination of medication seemed to work. He insisted that I put our home in my name only, and he felt that I was the enemy he could not be trusted. The toll of his anger, depression, and paranoia was hard. I lost 60 pounds, was trying to work as a therapist, and was always afraid of what I would come home to. At one point I caught him being quite mean to my 7 lb dog. It finally reached the point that I could no longer function. I lost my sobriety after 25 yrs of abstaining, and when he was about to be
      hospitalized yet again, I realized that I had nothing to offer him unless I started taking care of myself. I helped him move into an apartment, continued taking him to his appts, started attending AA again, and we mutually divorced. I’d invite him to go out to eat, walk, etc, but he usually declined. His pwn pastor and best friend were concerned and tried to interact with him. I would call David, and there was a 2 day period in which I could not get ahold of him from work. I walked into his apt and found him sprawled on the floor, dead from a massive overdose. It took an hour for the police and fire dept to get there, and I could not believe that our love had come to this. The ripple effect occurred in which every person in David’s life blamed themselves for not doing more, etc, even though David’s illness and anger pushed them away. I drank heavily for 2 years, quit working, and was a mess of self-guilt, self-blame, and shock. I found a wonderful therapist who helped me unsort the complicated mess our lives had become. I chose sobriety, and returned to work a year later, realizing that I had survived this experience. While it affected my life in so many ways, I know today that there was nothing I could have done to save a person who was intent on ending his life. At best, I was delaying his decision. May David rest in peace.

    • Cody  January 2, 2020 at 5:38 am Reply

      You’re not alone in the way you feel. It never gets better but it does get easier with time. I hurt for you and anyone else who has to go through this.

      I lost my brother to a self inflicted gun shot wound in 2015 and unfortunately was there when it happened. It’s destroyed every part of my being, as if that day, that moment, everything plays over and over in my mind. Some days its the worst imaginable pain and other days you look back on the memories and smile.

      Life will never be the same but we must go on and find reasons to live life and find happiness, even if that happiness is just for a moment.

  59. Aaron M  October 9, 2019 at 7:23 pm Reply

    My father shot himself May of this year. We had text daily for a long time, I always knew he was unhappy, but not that kind of unhappy. I received a call from my sister around 530 AM, and found it troubling just in itself. I laid back down and heard the voicemail chime, I read the transcribe and saw words indicating an officer called. I listened to it, and promptly deleted it so I could never experience that horror again no matter what. Nothing has been the same since, we text the night before and I noticed he seemed off, but rather than say anything or question it, I went to bed. I am not sure I will ever forgive myself for not asking him what was wrong.

    Its been months, and life moves along. I am now closer than ever with my mom and sister, and have realized I only get one chance in life. I find peace in knowing my dad was proud of me and my recent successes in life. I still am haunted of pictures in my head of what his last few minutes were, and they impact me very deeply. I walk through life like nothing is wrong, but inside I am so crushed, and forever will be. I still fail to understand why it was okay to do this to us, we never did anything wrong.

    Either way, it hurts me deeply to see all of these comments and stories, I wish it was not possible for people to kill themselves. I worry and wonder what my later life will look like, as now I am terrified of one day facing the same demise.

  60. Aaron M  October 9, 2019 at 7:23 pm Reply

    My father shot himself May of this year. We had text daily for a long time, I always knew he was unhappy, but not that kind of unhappy. I received a call from my sister around 530 AM, and found it troubling just in itself. I laid back down and heard the voicemail chime, I read the transcribe and saw words indicating an officer called. I listened to it, and promptly deleted it so I could never experience that horror again no matter what. Nothing has been the same since, we text the night before and I noticed he seemed off, but rather than say anything or question it, I went to bed. I am not sure I will ever forgive myself for not asking him what was wrong.

    Its been months, and life moves along. I am now closer than ever with my mom and sister, and have realized I only get one chance in life. I find peace in knowing my dad was proud of me and my recent successes in life. I still am haunted of pictures in my head of what his last few minutes were, and they impact me very deeply. I walk through life like nothing is wrong, but inside I am so crushed, and forever will be. I still fail to understand why it was okay to do this to us, we never did anything wrong.

    Either way, it hurts me deeply to see all of these comments and stories, I wish it was not possible for people to kill themselves. I worry and wonder what my later life will look like, as now I am terrified of one day facing the same demise.

  61. Aaron M  October 9, 2019 at 7:23 pm Reply

    My father shot himself May of this year. We had text daily for a long time, I always knew he was unhappy, but not that kind of unhappy. I received a call from my sister around 530 AM, and found it troubling just in itself. I laid back down and heard the voicemail chime, I read the transcribe and saw words indicating an officer called. I listened to it, and promptly deleted it so I could never experience that horror again no matter what. Nothing has been the same since, we text the night before and I noticed he seemed off, but rather than say anything or question it, I went to bed. I am not sure I will ever forgive myself for not asking him what was wrong.

    Its been months, and life moves along. I am now closer than ever with my mom and sister, and have realized I only get one chance in life. I find peace in knowing my dad was proud of me and my recent successes in life. I still am haunted of pictures in my head of what his last few minutes were, and they impact me very deeply. I walk through life like nothing is wrong, but inside I am so crushed, and forever will be. I still fail to understand why it was okay to do this to us, we never did anything wrong.

    Either way, it hurts me deeply to see all of these comments and stories, I wish it was not possible for people to kill themselves. I worry and wonder what my later life will look like, as now I am terrified of one day facing the same demise.

    • Kathleen  December 8, 2019 at 5:17 am Reply

      Hello Aaron,
      Yes, reading all these posts, is heart-breaking, and I’m already heart-broken as it is!!! My husband of 22-years took his life in May 2019. I don’t understand this either. EVERY SINGLE DAY I ask… “WHY!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?”

      My condolences to you!!
      ~Kathleen

    • Alexis  January 7, 2020 at 9:30 am Reply

      Hi Aaron. I’m so sorry. I understand as my dad shot himself in the head in front of my mom and his cousin in June 2019. He texted me that he was sorry right before he did it and we talked on the phone earlier that morning. He was talking about how he was having thoughts that morning and I was going to go over to my parents house to help him, but he told me not to come. I still feel like I should’ve gone over there.

      My mom and his cousin were trying to help him and talk to him before he did it, but he ended up saying some hurtful things to my mom and she had to step into their bedroom with his cousin and she tried to calm my mom down. He came into the room shortly after texting everyone and did it.

      He was in a wheelchair and had been for 35 years and had been struggling with depression for years. My mom and I constantly reassured him he was amazing and wonderful – because he was. He was independent and helped others with disabilities daily. He was an inspiration.

      After he did it, I received the call from my dad’s cousin’s husband. I still don’t believe it almost 7 months later. I immediately felt like I had to be strong for my mom so i suppressed a lot of my emotions. Things have also changed for us since. I don’t have any siblings, so I moved with my fiancé into my moms house where it happened. While that seems crazy to most people, we find it shockingly healing. Being back in the house has made me able to finally grieve and process, even though I still feel like it’s all a dream. My dad had planned this as he reached out to several people weeks before he did it and told them to take care of my mom and I if something ever happened to him. He told all the family he loved them by video weeks before.

      I understand why he did it because he had talked to my mom and I about it several times, but it still didn’t prepare me for it. We tried every time to convince him not to ever do it. We know he’s at peace and not hurting anymore.

      I just had to reach out because our stories are a little bit similar. I wish you and your family peace during this time.

  62. Sarah  October 4, 2019 at 12:45 pm Reply

    My best friend and I used to talk about everything. I knew he was depressed, he knew I was as well. On nights that were particularly tough, I’d take all of his weapons from his house to be sure he’d be safe. I’ve never liked being around guns but for him I didn’t think twice. One night I went over and we had a LOT to drink. We played video games until midnight, when he made a sexual advance. I know it was the alcohol talking, so I paid it no mind. But in my drunken state I chuckled, he knew I was a lesbian. I noticed the clock and called for a ride home. When I stood up I realized I was much more inebriated than I thought, so he walked me outside to my parents car. He hugged me tight and told me he’d see me tomorrow. I told him I loved him and I went home.

    I woke up the next morning to a text that said “I’m sorry, GB”
    I thought he may have meant goodnight, until I got the phone call saying they found his body. He shot himself just after the text.
    His family blames me, his friends blame me, even I blame me. I cannot think about any type of suicide with immediately crying, and it’s been over 2 years now.
    I am 23 years old, have been to 20 funerals in the past 10 years, and none of them have ever haunted me quite like this. Friends have drowned, overdosed, been murdered, car accidents, disease, and nothing hurts quite like this. How do I forgive him..?

  63. Sarah  October 4, 2019 at 12:45 pm Reply

    My best friend and I used to talk about everything. I knew he was depressed, he knew I was as well. On nights that were particularly tough, I’d take all of his weapons from his house to be sure he’d be safe. I’ve never liked being around guns but for him I didn’t think twice. One night I went over and we had a LOT to drink. We played video games until midnight, when he made a sexual advance. I know it was the alcohol talking, so I paid it no mind. But in my drunken state I chuckled, he knew I was a lesbian. I noticed the clock and called for a ride home. When I stood up I realized I was much more inebriated than I thought, so he walked me outside to my parents car. He hugged me tight and told me he’d see me tomorrow. I told him I loved him and I went home.

    I woke up the next morning to a text that said “I’m sorry, GB”
    I thought he may have meant goodnight, until I got the phone call saying they found his body. He shot himself just after the text.
    His family blames me, his friends blame me, even I blame me. I cannot think about any type of suicide with immediately crying, and it’s been over 2 years now.
    I am 23 years old, have been to 20 funerals in the past 10 years, and none of them have ever haunted me quite like this. Friends have drowned, overdosed, been murdered, car accidents, disease, and nothing hurts quite like this. How do I forgive him..?

  64. Sarah  October 4, 2019 at 12:45 pm Reply

    My best friend and I used to talk about everything. I knew he was depressed, he knew I was as well. On nights that were particularly tough, I’d take all of his weapons from his house to be sure he’d be safe. I’ve never liked being around guns but for him I didn’t think twice. One night I went over and we had a LOT to drink. We played video games until midnight, when he made a sexual advance. I know it was the alcohol talking, so I paid it no mind. But in my drunken state I chuckled, he knew I was a lesbian. I noticed the clock and called for a ride home. When I stood up I realized I was much more inebriated than I thought, so he walked me outside to my parents car. He hugged me tight and told me he’d see me tomorrow. I told him I loved him and I went home.

    I woke up the next morning to a text that said “I’m sorry, GB”
    I thought he may have meant goodnight, until I got the phone call saying they found his body. He shot himself just after the text.
    His family blames me, his friends blame me, even I blame me. I cannot think about any type of suicide with immediately crying, and it’s been over 2 years now.
    I am 23 years old, have been to 20 funerals in the past 10 years, and none of them have ever haunted me quite like this. Friends have drowned, overdosed, been murdered, car accidents, disease, and nothing hurts quite like this. How do I forgive him..?

    • Irene  November 29, 2019 at 12:15 am Reply

      Dear Sarah, your friend’s death is not your fault. He had been drinking and was not in a stable place. No matter how hard we try we can never be there at all times and we cannot always be able to save those we love. My son made his first suicide attempt at age 18. The next 8 years was a literal battle in trying to get him help. Long story short, in the last year of his life, he was hospitalized 6 times. He had been out of the hospital only 10 days when he took his life. In that short time, he had seen his doctor twice, gone to two therapy sessions and a support group, and he and I had talked for hours. Since I worked full time at night, at 2pm on the day he died, I told him I needed to get some sleep. He said he was going for a walk. I told him to be safe and that I loved him. He said he loved me too and left after a hug with a smile on his face. Five hours later my husband and I found him hanging in an old barn. He was in so much pain. I believe in the eternal nature of our souls and I know his spirit lives on. Be gentle to yourself. You were as good to your friend as you knew how to be. I have a degree in psychology and I could not save my own son. It may take many years, but you will heal. Just know that having this experience will help you to be a more compassionate and loving person. If your friend had cancer, would you blame yourself for the death? Of course not. Mental illness is the most insidious because it robs one of their own sense of self. Read the book “Night Falls Fast” by Kaye Redfield Jamieson. It helped me and I think it will help you. I’m sending positive thoughts, love and prayers to all those who suffer from loss due to suicide. It is suffocating, but survival comes one step at a time. The son I speak of hear died just 17 months after his older brother died of a self inflicted gunshot to the head. I found him dead on my bed with his brains on the floor. People say I am strong. It is my faith and my love for my other children that helps me continue. Please don’t despair. For all its pain and sorrow, life finds a way.

    • Kathleen  December 8, 2019 at 5:22 am Reply

      Hey Sarah.
      My husband of 22-years took his life in May 2019. This whole situation is difficult enough for the loved ones left behind. I’m so sorry, and all I can say, from what I have come to learn is …
      “Bless and Release.” When you are ready to forgive, I think you might feel a slight load off your shoulders, but the pain, I regret, will always be there. Take Care!
      ~ Kathleen

  65. claudia  September 13, 2019 at 5:22 pm Reply

    A girl from my old high school killed herself yesterday night. She hung herself in a park near my neighbourhood. She was one year younger than me and I never got to meet her properly : I had first noticed her for always wearing sleeves or copious amounts of bracelets in public and I had seen some pretty bad scars on her arms. As at the time I was self-harming as well, I had understood what was going on with her. I knew, yet I never had the courage to finally talk to her. I know that probably would not have changed anything, but I am now constantly thinking about how things might have gone if I had told her about myself, about how it can get better with the proper help, with the proper friends. I am heart-broken, I have no idea how to deal with this as nobody understands why I’m so upset about the death of someone I had only seen walking in school.

  66. claudia  September 13, 2019 at 5:22 pm Reply

    A girl from my old high school killed herself yesterday night. She hung herself in a park near my neighbourhood. She was one year younger than me and I never got to meet her properly : I had first noticed her for always wearing sleeves or copious amounts of bracelets in public and I had seen some pretty bad scars on her arms. As at the time I was self-harming as well, I had understood what was going on with her. I knew, yet I never had the courage to finally talk to her. I know that probably would not have changed anything, but I am now constantly thinking about how things might have gone if I had told her about myself, about how it can get better with the proper help, with the proper friends. I am heart-broken, I have no idea how to deal with this as nobody understands why I’m so upset about the death of someone I had only seen walking in school.

  67. claudia  September 13, 2019 at 5:22 pm Reply

    A girl from my old high school killed herself yesterday night. She hung herself in a park near my neighbourhood. She was one year younger than me and I never got to meet her properly : I had first noticed her for always wearing sleeves or copious amounts of bracelets in public and I had seen some pretty bad scars on her arms. As at the time I was self-harming as well, I had understood what was going on with her. I knew, yet I never had the courage to finally talk to her. I know that probably would not have changed anything, but I am now constantly thinking about how things might have gone if I had told her about myself, about how it can get better with the proper help, with the proper friends. I am heart-broken, I have no idea how to deal with this as nobody understands why I’m so upset about the death of someone I had only seen walking in school.

    • Becca  September 20, 2019 at 1:48 am Reply

      Hey Claudia,
      I wanted to respond to your post because my little brother died by suicide on 8/25/19. I’ve been reading articles to help me process things. Jeff and I were extremely close. Jeff had attempted suicide multiple times since 2014. We talked about it and he promised me he’d always call me if his mind started to wander into the darkness. Jeff called me multiple times but this one time he did not. I’ve been devastated. One thing I’ve accepted is that his choice to take his life was to relieve himself from his pain. I was there for him…for 29 years I was there for him. Me being there, my mom being there, my family being there…it didn’t make a difference.
      One grief article I read stated “Grief is your own, and only yours.” Others might not understand, but there are others who do understand.
      Jeff and I had shared traumas growing up. I endured two years of intense therapy to let the pain go. Jeff couldn’t open up to anyone about his pain. It was just too hard for him.
      When you are ready, please forgive yourself for the guilt you’re currently feeling. When you’re ready, please look into finding a therapist that you connect with (it took me meeting 6 therapists until I met one that I felt comfortable speaking to) it’s a scary process…but it’s worth it in the end.
      Lastly, I’m sincerely sorry for your loss…

  68. Lasen  September 3, 2019 at 5:18 pm Reply

    This is for all those who believe in light at the end of tunnel.
    Our view about death and suicide needs to change. There are people doing quantum jumps and shockingly finding dead people alive again in other realities. It is really possible to get your loved one back using the jump. Please read about quantum immortality. Then go to reddit and see how people re saying they committed suicide. They were supposed to be dead. Many tried extremely brutal methods and still found themselves alive. One guy tried to kill himself 5 times. Each time he came out alive. Educate your loves ones on quantum immortality. If in reality X someone kills himself then his consciousness jumps to the body he has in reality Y. By the way, this is not limited to suicide only, but people who do it are more retrievable than those who die due to illnesses.

    You may not have many supporters if you do the jump. It seems the society is brainwashed into believing that getting back someone from death is worse than the person dying.

  69. Lasen  September 3, 2019 at 5:18 pm Reply

    This is for all those who believe in light at the end of tunnel.
    Our view about death and suicide needs to change. There are people doing quantum jumps and shockingly finding dead people alive again in other realities. It is really possible to get your loved one back using the jump. Please read about quantum immortality. Then go to reddit and see how people re saying they committed suicide. They were supposed to be dead. Many tried extremely brutal methods and still found themselves alive. One guy tried to kill himself 5 times. Each time he came out alive. Educate your loves ones on quantum immortality. If in reality X someone kills himself then his consciousness jumps to the body he has in reality Y. By the way, this is not limited to suicide only, but people who do it are more retrievable than those who die due to illnesses.

    You may not have many supporters if you do the jump. It seems the society is brainwashed into believing that getting back someone from death is worse than the person dying.

  70. Lasen  September 3, 2019 at 5:18 pm Reply

    This is for all those who believe in light at the end of tunnel.
    Our view about death and suicide needs to change. There are people doing quantum jumps and shockingly finding dead people alive again in other realities. It is really possible to get your loved one back using the jump. Please read about quantum immortality. Then go to reddit and see how people re saying they committed suicide. They were supposed to be dead. Many tried extremely brutal methods and still found themselves alive. One guy tried to kill himself 5 times. Each time he came out alive. Educate your loves ones on quantum immortality. If in reality X someone kills himself then his consciousness jumps to the body he has in reality Y. By the way, this is not limited to suicide only, but people who do it are more retrievable than those who die due to illnesses.

    You may not have many supporters if you do the jump. It seems the society is brainwashed into believing that getting back someone from death is worse than the person dying.

  71. Robert Rue  August 31, 2019 at 2:35 am Reply

    My name is Robert and on March 6th 2018 at 5:58 I recieved a call on facetime from the woman I have been in love with for over 15 years, and I say have because I still am, and she said ” I called just to say good bye”. I said ” Do what?” As I noticed she was actively loading a gun. She had the phone set so that we could see each other. I remember she was sitting in the car and the radio was so loud…. I panicked and started to plead and beg the woman I loved more than life, more than living ,well more than anything to please stop and not do this. She didn’t respond to my pleas instead she continued to prepare herself. Alot is hazy after this because you must understand when you see the love of your life, your soulmate, your person place a pistol to the side of her head and look right in your eyes and say “I’m sorry. I love you.” Then look to the left and you hear a pop and see a flash time just stops. You live in that moment for the rest of your life. Every single day that is what you see. You see her slowly slump forward and notice little things, like her hair blowing in the air condition. I lost it! Rational thinking went out the window and autopilot kicks in. I ran to my mother’s busted in, all the while watching the phone and listening as hard as I could for any sound, a moan or any movement because there was no way she was gone! Not my baby! “Call 911 I screamed with all I had. Mom said why what’s wrong and my mind not working correctly and realizing my daughter that calls her mommy was standing right behind me screamed Bobbie shot herself and I think she’s gone. Then I heard the most blood curdling scream as I realized my baby had made her way to the couch behind me and stood on it getting a good look at what daddy would not take his eyes off of on his phone. She saw mommy dead and lost it. I barely took notice because my eyes would not leave the phone. Finally after eternity passed, the car door opened and a paramedic reached in. Now is when I believe everything changed cuz till this moment there was hope there was a chance. I believe I was sure he’d say ” she’s alive get the streacher” but instead he just pulled away and shook his head no…… That was when my soul ripped in half and i lost consciousness. I beat the door with my fist until my hands wouldn’t close hit my knees and screamed out everything in me! I had just witnessed my world shatter. As I’m writing this it’s hard to see threw the tears. It’s been over a year and I’ve been committed to mental hospital, went to prison and put myself in every dangerous position I possibly could. I quit being a daddy and if it wasn’t for a friend letting me stay and having wifi I wouldn’t be sharing this with you. In fact if I hadn’t been looking for the most painless way to commit suicide I’d have never found you at all. I don’t know where I’ll be tomorrow or if I will be but I felt like I should share our story. I’ll never love another and I didn’t keep my promise to her. I’m a liar! We said if one of us ever went the other would be right behind…. but here I sit. I’m so sorry Bobbie you deserved so much better. I’ll love you forever and will see you soon enough my love.

  72. Robert Rue  August 31, 2019 at 2:35 am Reply

    My name is Robert and on March 6th 2018 at 5:58 I recieved a call on facetime from the woman I have been in love with for over 15 years, and I say have because I still am, and she said ” I called just to say good bye”. I said ” Do what?” As I noticed she was actively loading a gun. She had the phone set so that we could see each other. I remember she was sitting in the car and the radio was so loud…. I panicked and started to plead and beg the woman I loved more than life, more than living ,well more than anything to please stop and not do this. She didn’t respond to my pleas instead she continued to prepare herself. Alot is hazy after this because you must understand when you see the love of your life, your soulmate, your person place a pistol to the side of her head and look right in your eyes and say “I’m sorry. I love you.” Then look to the left and you hear a pop and see a flash time just stops. You live in that moment for the rest of your life. Every single day that is what you see. You see her slowly slump forward and notice little things, like her hair blowing in the air condition. I lost it! Rational thinking went out the window and autopilot kicks in. I ran to my mother’s busted in, all the while watching the phone and listening as hard as I could for any sound, a moan or any movement because there was no way she was gone! Not my baby! “Call 911 I screamed with all I had. Mom said why what’s wrong and my mind not working correctly and realizing my daughter that calls her mommy was standing right behind me screamed Bobbie shot herself and I think she’s gone. Then I heard the most blood curdling scream as I realized my baby had made her way to the couch behind me and stood on it getting a good look at what daddy would not take his eyes off of on his phone. She saw mommy dead and lost it. I barely took notice because my eyes would not leave the phone. Finally after eternity passed, the car door opened and a paramedic reached in. Now is when I believe everything changed cuz till this moment there was hope there was a chance. I believe I was sure he’d say ” she’s alive get the streacher” but instead he just pulled away and shook his head no…… That was when my soul ripped in half and i lost consciousness. I beat the door with my fist until my hands wouldn’t close hit my knees and screamed out everything in me! I had just witnessed my world shatter. As I’m writing this it’s hard to see threw the tears. It’s been over a year and I’ve been committed to mental hospital, went to prison and put myself in every dangerous position I possibly could. I quit being a daddy and if it wasn’t for a friend letting me stay and having wifi I wouldn’t be sharing this with you. In fact if I hadn’t been looking for the most painless way to commit suicide I’d have never found you at all. I don’t know where I’ll be tomorrow or if I will be but I felt like I should share our story. I’ll never love another and I didn’t keep my promise to her. I’m a liar! We said if one of us ever went the other would be right behind…. but here I sit. I’m so sorry Bobbie you deserved so much better. I’ll love you forever and will see you soon enough my love.

  73. Robert Rue  August 31, 2019 at 2:35 am Reply

    My name is Robert and on March 6th 2018 at 5:58 I recieved a call on facetime from the woman I have been in love with for over 15 years, and I say have because I still am, and she said ” I called just to say good bye”. I said ” Do what?” As I noticed she was actively loading a gun. She had the phone set so that we could see each other. I remember she was sitting in the car and the radio was so loud…. I panicked and started to plead and beg the woman I loved more than life, more than living ,well more than anything to please stop and not do this. She didn’t respond to my pleas instead she continued to prepare herself. Alot is hazy after this because you must understand when you see the love of your life, your soulmate, your person place a pistol to the side of her head and look right in your eyes and say “I’m sorry. I love you.” Then look to the left and you hear a pop and see a flash time just stops. You live in that moment for the rest of your life. Every single day that is what you see. You see her slowly slump forward and notice little things, like her hair blowing in the air condition. I lost it! Rational thinking went out the window and autopilot kicks in. I ran to my mother’s busted in, all the while watching the phone and listening as hard as I could for any sound, a moan or any movement because there was no way she was gone! Not my baby! “Call 911 I screamed with all I had. Mom said why what’s wrong and my mind not working correctly and realizing my daughter that calls her mommy was standing right behind me screamed Bobbie shot herself and I think she’s gone. Then I heard the most blood curdling scream as I realized my baby had made her way to the couch behind me and stood on it getting a good look at what daddy would not take his eyes off of on his phone. She saw mommy dead and lost it. I barely took notice because my eyes would not leave the phone. Finally after eternity passed, the car door opened and a paramedic reached in. Now is when I believe everything changed cuz till this moment there was hope there was a chance. I believe I was sure he’d say ” she’s alive get the streacher” but instead he just pulled away and shook his head no…… That was when my soul ripped in half and i lost consciousness. I beat the door with my fist until my hands wouldn’t close hit my knees and screamed out everything in me! I had just witnessed my world shatter. As I’m writing this it’s hard to see threw the tears. It’s been over a year and I’ve been committed to mental hospital, went to prison and put myself in every dangerous position I possibly could. I quit being a daddy and if it wasn’t for a friend letting me stay and having wifi I wouldn’t be sharing this with you. In fact if I hadn’t been looking for the most painless way to commit suicide I’d have never found you at all. I don’t know where I’ll be tomorrow or if I will be but I felt like I should share our story. I’ll never love another and I didn’t keep my promise to her. I’m a liar! We said if one of us ever went the other would be right behind…. but here I sit. I’m so sorry Bobbie you deserved so much better. I’ll love you forever and will see you soon enough my love.

    • Gracee  September 2, 2019 at 9:14 pm Reply

      Robert,
      First, my heart is beyond heavy for your loss of your wife. That is absolutely heartbreaking. You have every right to feel how you are feeling right now. Your friend that you are staying with right now? Hold that friend close. Hold every single person you have love for, or once had love for, close right now. Please reach out for help to your loved ones. People do care. I care, and I don’t even know you. I want give you my contact info some how if you ever need to reach out to anyone and have them listen.

      As the daughter of someone who died by suicide, I cannot express to you how much devastation that would bring to your children. My dad died by suicide when I was five, so I don’t remember much of him and that is part of the pain. I want to know him. He is apart of me. I want to be able to talk to him and ask him questions and hug him more than anything in the world. Please stay strong for your children. This is not forever. You can do this. Please stay strong.

  74. Eulalia DePrins  August 19, 2019 at 10:54 pm Reply

    My boyfriend of 9 years died by suicide 14 months ago. We were so happy. Did everything together. I knew he was sad because two months to the date his beloved dog of 17 years died. My boyfriend was a happy go lucky guy. Always had a smile, Always wanted to make people laugh. My heart is broken. . My life was so happy and now its broken. No one understand what a hole I have in my heart. I wonder am I going crazy? How long will I feel this way? He overdose on some pills and I found him died on our bed. That image will never go away. My baby was shattered and I didn’t realize how much he was suffering. We also had a petty fight that day. Which was strange because we rarely fought He was so talented in so many ways. He was so loved. I don’t think I will ever enjoy life again.

  75. Eulalia DePrins  August 19, 2019 at 10:54 pm Reply

    My boyfriend of 9 years died by suicide 14 months ago. We were so happy. Did everything together. I knew he was sad because two months to the date his beloved dog of 17 years died. My boyfriend was a happy go lucky guy. Always had a smile, Always wanted to make people laugh. My heart is broken. . My life was so happy and now its broken. No one understand what a hole I have in my heart. I wonder am I going crazy? How long will I feel this way? He overdose on some pills and I found him died on our bed. That image will never go away. My baby was shattered and I didn’t realize how much he was suffering. We also had a petty fight that day. Which was strange because we rarely fought He was so talented in so many ways. He was so loved. I don’t think I will ever enjoy life again.

  76. Eulalia DePrins  August 19, 2019 at 10:54 pm Reply

    My boyfriend of 9 years died by suicide 14 months ago. We were so happy. Did everything together. I knew he was sad because two months to the date his beloved dog of 17 years died. My boyfriend was a happy go lucky guy. Always had a smile, Always wanted to make people laugh. My heart is broken. . My life was so happy and now its broken. No one understand what a hole I have in my heart. I wonder am I going crazy? How long will I feel this way? He overdose on some pills and I found him died on our bed. That image will never go away. My baby was shattered and I didn’t realize how much he was suffering. We also had a petty fight that day. Which was strange because we rarely fought He was so talented in so many ways. He was so loved. I don’t think I will ever enjoy life again.

  77. Boris  August 2, 2019 at 5:19 am Reply

    My very good and close friend from childhood committed suicide. Her boyfriend committed suicide by hanging in her apartment few weeks prior her own death. I live in different state and i could not find the time to visit her, instead we spoke on chat, our mutual good friend was visiting her as much as he could. I know he feels guilty, because he thinks he could have done more, i feel guilty cause i didnt have time. I am trying to avoid these thoughts as much as i can but they always find the way back and i feel as if i would meet her, if i have said something it could have changed the outcome. I feel guilty. She was 29 years old beautiful human being, she as many others should not have died like this. My mind cannot quite digest what happen i feel numb, with occasional sickening and chilling feeling coming out of my heart with constant pressure on the back of my mind. It feels like some emotional prison, i just cannot understand that i do not want to accept it.

  78. Boris  August 2, 2019 at 5:19 am Reply

    My very good and close friend from childhood committed suicide. Her boyfriend committed suicide by hanging in her apartment few weeks prior her own death. I live in different state and i could not find the time to visit her, instead we spoke on chat, our mutual good friend was visiting her as much as he could. I know he feels guilty, because he thinks he could have done more, i feel guilty cause i didnt have time. I am trying to avoid these thoughts as much as i can but they always find the way back and i feel as if i would meet her, if i have said something it could have changed the outcome. I feel guilty. She was 29 years old beautiful human being, she as many others should not have died like this. My mind cannot quite digest what happen i feel numb, with occasional sickening and chilling feeling coming out of my heart with constant pressure on the back of my mind. It feels like some emotional prison, i just cannot understand that i do not want to accept it.

  79. Boris  August 2, 2019 at 5:19 am Reply

    My very good and close friend from childhood committed suicide. Her boyfriend committed suicide by hanging in her apartment few weeks prior her own death. I live in different state and i could not find the time to visit her, instead we spoke on chat, our mutual good friend was visiting her as much as he could. I know he feels guilty, because he thinks he could have done more, i feel guilty cause i didnt have time. I am trying to avoid these thoughts as much as i can but they always find the way back and i feel as if i would meet her, if i have said something it could have changed the outcome. I feel guilty. She was 29 years old beautiful human being, she as many others should not have died like this. My mind cannot quite digest what happen i feel numb, with occasional sickening and chilling feeling coming out of my heart with constant pressure on the back of my mind. It feels like some emotional prison, i just cannot understand that i do not want to accept it.

  80. Justin Johnson  July 25, 2019 at 11:11 pm Reply

    I had recentlylearned that my best friend had just hung herself. Very recent. I instantly took the “No, that isnt true” path. I mean what else was there to do? This girl, had been the closest friend to me. We had made plans to go out and do things in highschool like normal teens. The last thing I said to her was: “I want to see you first thing, on the first day of highschool. I’ll be there.” So. To cope? I banged my forehead into a wall for a bit. Then I texted her number and continuously called her phone. I then sat on my bed, and cried. Hard. Screaming, shaking. You name it. Everybody knew we were close. Now I’m getting too many f*cking message to read at once from classmates. Things like “You good?” or “Dont do anything stupid” I want to be in a coma. I want to see her again.

  81. Justin Johnson  July 25, 2019 at 11:11 pm Reply

    I had recentlylearned that my best friend had just hung herself. Very recent. I instantly took the “No, that isnt true” path. I mean what else was there to do? This girl, had been the closest friend to me. We had made plans to go out and do things in highschool like normal teens. The last thing I said to her was: “I want to see you first thing, on the first day of highschool. I’ll be there.” So. To cope? I banged my forehead into a wall for a bit. Then I texted her number and continuously called her phone. I then sat on my bed, and cried. Hard. Screaming, shaking. You name it. Everybody knew we were close. Now I’m getting too many f*cking message to read at once from classmates. Things like “You good?” or “Dont do anything stupid” I want to be in a coma. I want to see her again.

  82. Justin Johnson  July 25, 2019 at 11:11 pm Reply

    I had recentlylearned that my best friend had just hung herself. Very recent. I instantly took the “No, that isnt true” path. I mean what else was there to do? This girl, had been the closest friend to me. We had made plans to go out and do things in highschool like normal teens. The last thing I said to her was: “I want to see you first thing, on the first day of highschool. I’ll be there.” So. To cope? I banged my forehead into a wall for a bit. Then I texted her number and continuously called her phone. I then sat on my bed, and cried. Hard. Screaming, shaking. You name it. Everybody knew we were close. Now I’m getting too many f*cking message to read at once from classmates. Things like “You good?” or “Dont do anything stupid” I want to be in a coma. I want to see her again.

  83. Katharina  July 24, 2019 at 6:06 am Reply

    I lost my boyfriend and best friend to suicide six months ago. Can´t describe my feelings, it´s just too much. Changed my life forever. I feel so alone, as there´s nobody who’s experienced the same near me. Don´t even know why I post this, even after months it feels like nothing and nobody can help me. I wish everyone else here the best, it is so horrible to read all your stories. At least now I know I´m not alone.

  84. Katharina  July 24, 2019 at 6:06 am Reply

    I lost my boyfriend and best friend to suicide six months ago. Can´t describe my feelings, it´s just too much. Changed my life forever. I feel so alone, as there´s nobody who’s experienced the same near me. Don´t even know why I post this, even after months it feels like nothing and nobody can help me. I wish everyone else here the best, it is so horrible to read all your stories. At least now I know I´m not alone.

  85. Katharina  July 24, 2019 at 6:06 am Reply

    I lost my boyfriend and best friend to suicide six months ago. Can´t describe my feelings, it´s just too much. Changed my life forever. I feel so alone, as there´s nobody who’s experienced the same near me. Don´t even know why I post this, even after months it feels like nothing and nobody can help me. I wish everyone else here the best, it is so horrible to read all your stories. At least now I know I´m not alone.

    • Bridget  July 25, 2019 at 3:00 pm Reply

      Hey Katharina. I too lost my boyfriend (and best friend) to suicide.. 11 months ago. Each day is still such a struggle and I find myself no matter what I’m doing always and constantly thinking about him. I constantly go back to that day and going over every small detail of it. I generally feel like I’m in a black hole that I will never get out of. I honestly don’t know how I will get through an entire lifetime with this kind of sadness on my shoulders and in my heart. It’s an intense weight and it just feels like too much. I just came across your message at the top of the comments and felt like I really wanted to write to you.. Someone that has been through something similar. Maybe we could talk a bit. Bridget

  86. Warren  July 17, 2019 at 6:45 am Reply

    Our 21 year old boy strangled himself to death inside his locked room yesterday. He was a good kid, never in trouble, was making Dean’s List in college (after a rough start). He was, I thought, happy with his life up until a few weeks ago, when his girlfriend of 2 years began to dump him. She called it off last week, and this week was dating one of his friends. I thought he was handling it. He was out with his true friends just before.

    I had no idea he would do this. They had no idea he would do this. He left no note.

    I didn’t have the best relation with him. He was upset because I lost a good paying job a few years back and was just living on our savings. But I was always there for him, doing the little things. I gave him my car, cooked meals for him, had money for college. I was mostly hands-off as he was living at home, going to school and working.

    I could have done better.

  87. Warren  July 17, 2019 at 6:45 am Reply

    Our 21 year old boy strangled himself to death inside his locked room yesterday. He was a good kid, never in trouble, was making Dean’s List in college (after a rough start). He was, I thought, happy with his life up until a few weeks ago, when his girlfriend of 2 years began to dump him. She called it off last week, and this week was dating one of his friends. I thought he was handling it. He was out with his true friends just before.

    I had no idea he would do this. They had no idea he would do this. He left no note.

    I didn’t have the best relation with him. He was upset because I lost a good paying job a few years back and was just living on our savings. But I was always there for him, doing the little things. I gave him my car, cooked meals for him, had money for college. I was mostly hands-off as he was living at home, going to school and working.

    I could have done better.

  88. Warren  July 17, 2019 at 6:45 am Reply

    Our 21 year old boy strangled himself to death inside his locked room yesterday. He was a good kid, never in trouble, was making Dean’s List in college (after a rough start). He was, I thought, happy with his life up until a few weeks ago, when his girlfriend of 2 years began to dump him. She called it off last week, and this week was dating one of his friends. I thought he was handling it. He was out with his true friends just before.

    I had no idea he would do this. They had no idea he would do this. He left no note.

    I didn’t have the best relation with him. He was upset because I lost a good paying job a few years back and was just living on our savings. But I was always there for him, doing the little things. I gave him my car, cooked meals for him, had money for college. I was mostly hands-off as he was living at home, going to school and working.

    I could have done better.

  89. Mitch  July 14, 2019 at 4:57 am Reply

    I lost my husband of 16 years , died of suicide 5 months ago . One early morning, I got up from bed and couldn’t find him . I thought he had been out to the grocery store or somewhere . Then he hasn’t come home for awhile and I started to really worry . I’ve called his cell phone many times and no answer. Four hours later, A police officer was knocking in front of my door then told me that my husband is deceased caused by self inflicted. My whole world caved in and I died with him that day as I’ve never been the same ever since. As of today, I’m still confused of why he isn’t around anymore. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of him and wondered where he might be ” in the dark or in the light” . I could cry so many times, be in bed most of the days, feel guilty, rejected, alone, empty, hopeless, lifeless , worthless , and be miserable but I know it will never bring him back physically alive. At times , I feel like I have no purpose to go further into life with all this pain I have to endure every single day. I have no one in my family or friends who truly understands what I’m going through . They expect me to just move on and tells me it’s not my fault and to stop procrastinating. It’s very painful for me to hear especially coming from your own family and friends and other people ( church, neighbors, relatives, co- workers etc…) who are quick to judge my husband as a bad person because of how he died. They tried to avoid my feelings when I talked about my husband over the phone as if nothing ever happened and made me feel that they’ve never been happier when they hear me cry and miserable. I felt let down by anyone so I stopped communicating with any of them. I prayed every day and asked God for his guidance and direction to help me go further into life. I missed my husband beyond belief. I expected for us to grow old together as we had planned years ago to travel around the world to figure out where we’re going to live when we retire someday. I know that no one can help me feel better but myself. I am aware of my declined of enjoying life but It is very hard for me to see my existence as of now.

  90. Mitch  July 14, 2019 at 4:57 am Reply

    I lost my husband of 16 years , died of suicide 5 months ago . One early morning, I got up from bed and couldn’t find him . I thought he had been out to the grocery store or somewhere . Then he hasn’t come home for awhile and I started to really worry . I’ve called his cell phone many times and no answer. Four hours later, A police officer was knocking in front of my door then told me that my husband is deceased caused by self inflicted. My whole world caved in and I died with him that day as I’ve never been the same ever since. As of today, I’m still confused of why he isn’t around anymore. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of him and wondered where he might be ” in the dark or in the light” . I could cry so many times, be in bed most of the days, feel guilty, rejected, alone, empty, hopeless, lifeless , worthless , and be miserable but I know it will never bring him back physically alive. At times , I feel like I have no purpose to go further into life with all this pain I have to endure every single day. I have no one in my family or friends who truly understands what I’m going through . They expect me to just move on and tells me it’s not my fault and to stop procrastinating. It’s very painful for me to hear especially coming from your own family and friends and other people ( church, neighbors, relatives, co- workers etc…) who are quick to judge my husband as a bad person because of how he died. They tried to avoid my feelings when I talked about my husband over the phone as if nothing ever happened and made me feel that they’ve never been happier when they hear me cry and miserable. I felt let down by anyone so I stopped communicating with any of them. I prayed every day and asked God for his guidance and direction to help me go further into life. I missed my husband beyond belief. I expected for us to grow old together as we had planned years ago to travel around the world to figure out where we’re going to live when we retire someday. I know that no one can help me feel better but myself. I am aware of my declined of enjoying life but It is very hard for me to see my existence as of now.

  91. Mitch  July 14, 2019 at 4:57 am Reply

    I lost my husband of 16 years , died of suicide 5 months ago . One early morning, I got up from bed and couldn’t find him . I thought he had been out to the grocery store or somewhere . Then he hasn’t come home for awhile and I started to really worry . I’ve called his cell phone many times and no answer. Four hours later, A police officer was knocking in front of my door then told me that my husband is deceased caused by self inflicted. My whole world caved in and I died with him that day as I’ve never been the same ever since. As of today, I’m still confused of why he isn’t around anymore. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of him and wondered where he might be ” in the dark or in the light” . I could cry so many times, be in bed most of the days, feel guilty, rejected, alone, empty, hopeless, lifeless , worthless , and be miserable but I know it will never bring him back physically alive. At times , I feel like I have no purpose to go further into life with all this pain I have to endure every single day. I have no one in my family or friends who truly understands what I’m going through . They expect me to just move on and tells me it’s not my fault and to stop procrastinating. It’s very painful for me to hear especially coming from your own family and friends and other people ( church, neighbors, relatives, co- workers etc…) who are quick to judge my husband as a bad person because of how he died. They tried to avoid my feelings when I talked about my husband over the phone as if nothing ever happened and made me feel that they’ve never been happier when they hear me cry and miserable. I felt let down by anyone so I stopped communicating with any of them. I prayed every day and asked God for his guidance and direction to help me go further into life. I missed my husband beyond belief. I expected for us to grow old together as we had planned years ago to travel around the world to figure out where we’re going to live when we retire someday. I know that no one can help me feel better but myself. I am aware of my declined of enjoying life but It is very hard for me to see my existence as of now.

    • Hurting so much .  July 17, 2019 at 8:36 am Reply

      Im totally feeling your pain after my beautiful wife gased herself in the family car leaving behind our little 9 year old daughter and a 27 year old , 15 and 13 year old . Only being 3 months the pain is totally unbelievable and the heart break of wondering why or what could of stopped it . Like you that pain will never heal and every day every minute like yoi always thoughts are their . But to stand strong and take this front on is to be strong for yourself. The pain will be their , the love will be their but to take this laying down will not change things . So like you my pain is real but please be strong and keep moving forward . Because to do anything else will not help you or your husband . I wish you well and one day happiness but like me you will never forget .

  92. LORI  June 8, 2019 at 8:47 pm Reply

    Nice article, I am a survivor parent who lost my only son to suicide 6 months ago. I respect everyone’s right if they prefer not to use the word “commited” , but that is a word I do choose to refer to how my son ended his life. I get very offended and feel isolated and shut down when I read people telling other people not to use this descriptor. I think it’s very judgmental to tell a person what words are acceptable to use when they are being brave enough to put their grief out there. Please be kinder.

  93. LORI  June 8, 2019 at 8:47 pm Reply

    Nice article, I am a survivor parent who lost my only son to suicide 6 months ago. I respect everyone’s right if they prefer not to use the word “commited” , but that is a word I do choose to refer to how my son ended his life. I get very offended and feel isolated and shut down when I read people telling other people not to use this descriptor. I think it’s very judgmental to tell a person what words are acceptable to use when they are being brave enough to put their grief out there. Please be kinder.

  94. LORI  June 8, 2019 at 8:47 pm Reply

    Nice article, I am a survivor parent who lost my only son to suicide 6 months ago. I respect everyone’s right if they prefer not to use the word “commited” , but that is a word I do choose to refer to how my son ended his life. I get very offended and feel isolated and shut down when I read people telling other people not to use this descriptor. I think it’s very judgmental to tell a person what words are acceptable to use when they are being brave enough to put their grief out there. Please be kinder.

  95. Jane  June 6, 2019 at 5:56 pm Reply

    My dad killed himself 3 months ago. I’m 19 years old. The month before he did it, he took me to the movies: bohemian rhapsody, we were both crying while we were watching it. After that he made me dinner at my mom’s house since they were still on good terms and we watched the full Live Aid concert. He cried again while the song: Love of My Life, came on. We sang really loud and ate amazing spaghetti. This was my last real fun father-daughter moment (Beside putting a bird in vodka for my final exams since I study biology but that’s another story), that I will truly cherish forever. After that I had finals so we didn’t communicate that much, but he did come to see me and my siblings everyday. (We live with our mother due to his past alcohol addiction) He had a new girlfriend since 4 years and we really thought he was doing better. His car didn’t smell like alcohol anymore and he was always talking about how he enjoyed countless golfing trips and diner dates he took with his girlfriend, we were so happy for him. The last thing he told me face to face was something about Neil Young, and the last thing he send me on facebook was a song by Neil Young. (This song was placed on the back of his death card.) The day before he did it he called me numerous times, and i ignored his calls on purpose because I was too buzzy being with my boyfriend. I didn’t ignore them on accident. He even sent me text messages to say I should pick up. But as the egocentric teenage girl I was at that moment I didn’t call him back. I will forever regret this moment. Not that I could have prevented his death, because no one could I guess. But I wish I just could’ve heard his voice one last time. One last phone call. One last “How late will you get home?” and “I miss you”. One last “I love you” at the end of our phone call. His suicide note was short and “weird”, and it ended with: “you (me and my siblings) were my best friends”. This sentence broke my heart. It gives me chills when I think about it. He really was my best friend. Dad if you read this, I will forever love you and cherish our moments together. I miss you so so so much. I am bawling my eyes out right now. Please never take a moment with your parents for granted, because I did, and I have so much regret right now. Thank you for reading.

  96. Jane  June 6, 2019 at 5:56 pm Reply

    My dad killed himself 3 months ago. I’m 19 years old. The month before he did it, he took me to the movies: bohemian rhapsody, we were both crying while we were watching it. After that he made me dinner at my mom’s house since they were still on good terms and we watched the full Live Aid concert. He cried again while the song: Love of My Life, came on. We sang really loud and ate amazing spaghetti. This was my last real fun father-daughter moment (Beside putting a bird in vodka for my final exams since I study biology but that’s another story), that I will truly cherish forever. After that I had finals so we didn’t communicate that much, but he did come to see me and my siblings everyday. (We live with our mother due to his past alcohol addiction) He had a new girlfriend since 4 years and we really thought he was doing better. His car didn’t smell like alcohol anymore and he was always talking about how he enjoyed countless golfing trips and diner dates he took with his girlfriend, we were so happy for him. The last thing he told me face to face was something about Neil Young, and the last thing he send me on facebook was a song by Neil Young. (This song was placed on the back of his death card.) The day before he did it he called me numerous times, and i ignored his calls on purpose because I was too buzzy being with my boyfriend. I didn’t ignore them on accident. He even sent me text messages to say I should pick up. But as the egocentric teenage girl I was at that moment I didn’t call him back. I will forever regret this moment. Not that I could have prevented his death, because no one could I guess. But I wish I just could’ve heard his voice one last time. One last phone call. One last “How late will you get home?” and “I miss you”. One last “I love you” at the end of our phone call. His suicide note was short and “weird”, and it ended with: “you (me and my siblings) were my best friends”. This sentence broke my heart. It gives me chills when I think about it. He really was my best friend. Dad if you read this, I will forever love you and cherish our moments together. I miss you so so so much. I am bawling my eyes out right now. Please never take a moment with your parents for granted, because I did, and I have so much regret right now. Thank you for reading.

  97. Jane  June 6, 2019 at 5:56 pm Reply

    My dad killed himself 3 months ago. I’m 19 years old. The month before he did it, he took me to the movies: bohemian rhapsody, we were both crying while we were watching it. After that he made me dinner at my mom’s house since they were still on good terms and we watched the full Live Aid concert. He cried again while the song: Love of My Life, came on. We sang really loud and ate amazing spaghetti. This was my last real fun father-daughter moment (Beside putting a bird in vodka for my final exams since I study biology but that’s another story), that I will truly cherish forever. After that I had finals so we didn’t communicate that much, but he did come to see me and my siblings everyday. (We live with our mother due to his past alcohol addiction) He had a new girlfriend since 4 years and we really thought he was doing better. His car didn’t smell like alcohol anymore and he was always talking about how he enjoyed countless golfing trips and diner dates he took with his girlfriend, we were so happy for him. The last thing he told me face to face was something about Neil Young, and the last thing he send me on facebook was a song by Neil Young. (This song was placed on the back of his death card.) The day before he did it he called me numerous times, and i ignored his calls on purpose because I was too buzzy being with my boyfriend. I didn’t ignore them on accident. He even sent me text messages to say I should pick up. But as the egocentric teenage girl I was at that moment I didn’t call him back. I will forever regret this moment. Not that I could have prevented his death, because no one could I guess. But I wish I just could’ve heard his voice one last time. One last phone call. One last “How late will you get home?” and “I miss you”. One last “I love you” at the end of our phone call. His suicide note was short and “weird”, and it ended with: “you (me and my siblings) were my best friends”. This sentence broke my heart. It gives me chills when I think about it. He really was my best friend. Dad if you read this, I will forever love you and cherish our moments together. I miss you so so so much. I am bawling my eyes out right now. Please never take a moment with your parents for granted, because I did, and I have so much regret right now. Thank you for reading.

    • Nicki  June 7, 2019 at 12:40 am Reply

      JANE,
      I feel your pain. I understand the guilt, regret ALL OF IT. I lost my Fiance on May 28th 2019 its been 11 days and my heart is broken. I have no words to explain the heartache or pain and I have begged and begged to just wake up and have it all be a cruel joke. We had plans, we had our life left to live. Now 29 years old with a 7 year old and a 6 month old Im left feeling empty, affraid and Alone. There is nothing anyone can say or do to change this and I am so so sorry about that. I missed the signs, looked passed it all because I never believed this was ever a possibility for him. He was 34 and had been battling something I will never understand.
      I met with a life coach today (Im from Terrigal in Australia) and he told me that I will never get over this, so dont listen to advice when people say you will be ok with it or to be strong. You have to learn to GROW around it. Have it be some part of your story as messed up as that it. I feel defeated I feel like I have lost something irreplaceable and Im scared to live this lofe without him but feel what you feel. Ride those waves and sit in the hurt. Try and overlook the emotions your feeling long enough to sit and think whatever it was that made your Dad make that call was bigger then his love for you and it was a darkness that was just too much for him. I am searching for answers. I didnt get a letter or a fullstop. I am in denial and I feel all hope is lost. Its easy to say they are at peace now when we are left here with excruciating guilt and loss. I have never known loss or pain like this and I am angry upset and feel hopless. I cant seem to understand OR believe it. 1 hr at a time. Your time. Feel the feeling and allow yourself to grieve. I ignored messages also and a call probably 5 minutes before he done it and I am torturing myself for it. I believe we pass on and slip into a holding place so that when the time comes to revisit the world/life we are reborn and redo the same life! I am not religious but I believe dejavu dreams all of it is because we are living the same life over and over one soul leaves and another entres. Thats how we learn thats how we grow. Tomorrow will be better then today. Grieve your way at your pace! Xx Nic

      • Tabitha  June 23, 2019 at 3:13 am

        Nicki
        I lost the love of my life and best friend 8 years ago today. He chose to leave me and the people he loved that day and that has always been the hardest part for me. The part that makes it impossible to get past. He promised to always be here with me and for me and he broke that promise because he was fighting a battle he could not win. He loved me with all of his heart but could not move past the things that weighed him down. I spent years blaming myself, thinking if I had just said that or just done that it would have been different. Truth is I never could have changed the out come. I know this now, but it doesn’t make it better. I miss him everyday and this time of year can be overwhelming at times. In 2 days it will also be his birthday, but I can tell u every year I think about what he would want for me and I try to do better because I know that is what he would want. Yes it does hurt and it does stay with you, it changes everything about the person you once were. Let yourself grieve take your time and don’t let anyone tell you whats right and whats not. Only you know whats best for you. My advice is try not to feel guilty about the feeling better when you get there, your allowed, your still here and no matter what was going thru his mind he did love you and it’s ok to be angry. It’s also ok to miss, love and at some point forgive him and yourself. I know you feel alone in this but I assure you there are people who understand exactly how much you are hurting.

    • Jason  June 11, 2019 at 5:48 pm Reply

      Jane my heart goes out to you. I feel your pain I’ve lived it and still do. Keep strong for your dad. He’ll be watching down on you.

    • dm  August 29, 2019 at 1:29 am Reply

      Jane, your words are literally helping me not make the choice your dad did. I am a dad who just lost my job. I keep telling myself my wife can remarry and do well financially and my five kids will have each other to lean on. I tell myself I know they’ll hate me, but that hate is necessary to get through. That later in life they will be able to understand. The important thing is that they get the insurance money and she remarries well because I have no idea how we are going to survive my sudden job loss. I’m so scared, but I don’t think I can go through with it knowing I could hurt my kids so badly. Thank you for sharing your heart.

  98. Michelle  May 28, 2019 at 8:24 pm Reply

    My dear brother jumped to his death from a 325 foot bridge a week ago today. The day after his suicide, my BFF killed herself the day before my brother. Two losses by suicide back to back. I am so heartbroken! I had parted ways with my BFF a couple of years ago as she was becoming (more) manipulative and drinking herself into an early grave and I just couldn’t be around her anymore. have tried to reach out to my BFF’s husband and daughters to give my condolences but can’t seem to find them home and don’t have their phone numbers. I left a card on the doorstep and hope to hear from them soon, but eve I’m not sure how supportive I can really be for them. I feel a tinge of guilt not staying in contact may have contributed to her demise and my hope is that her family isn’t somehow blaming me. Not sure if my gestures to reach out will be welcome and with the grief I’m already feeling for the loss of my brother I’m not even sure I’m even able to be supportive. Thoughts?

  99. Michelle  May 28, 2019 at 8:24 pm Reply

    My dear brother jumped to his death from a 325 foot bridge a week ago today. The day after his suicide, my BFF killed herself the day before my brother. Two losses by suicide back to back. I am so heartbroken! I had parted ways with my BFF a couple of years ago as she was becoming (more) manipulative and drinking herself into an early grave and I just couldn’t be around her anymore. have tried to reach out to my BFF’s husband and daughters to give my condolences but can’t seem to find them home and don’t have their phone numbers. I left a card on the doorstep and hope to hear from them soon, but eve I’m not sure how supportive I can really be for them. I feel a tinge of guilt not staying in contact may have contributed to her demise and my hope is that her family isn’t somehow blaming me. Not sure if my gestures to reach out will be welcome and with the grief I’m already feeling for the loss of my brother I’m not even sure I’m even able to be supportive. Thoughts?

  100. Michelle  May 28, 2019 at 8:24 pm Reply

    My dear brother jumped to his death from a 325 foot bridge a week ago today. The day after his suicide, my BFF killed herself the day before my brother. Two losses by suicide back to back. I am so heartbroken! I had parted ways with my BFF a couple of years ago as she was becoming (more) manipulative and drinking herself into an early grave and I just couldn’t be around her anymore. have tried to reach out to my BFF’s husband and daughters to give my condolences but can’t seem to find them home and don’t have their phone numbers. I left a card on the doorstep and hope to hear from them soon, but eve I’m not sure how supportive I can really be for them. I feel a tinge of guilt not staying in contact may have contributed to her demise and my hope is that her family isn’t somehow blaming me. Not sure if my gestures to reach out will be welcome and with the grief I’m already feeling for the loss of my brother I’m not even sure I’m even able to be supportive. Thoughts?

  101. Chan  May 28, 2019 at 2:46 pm Reply

    My 23 year old elder sister whom I loved the most in my life killed herself by suicide one month ago… She was kind, loving, helpful, used to think about others happiness before her and was the best person in my life… Life is just so hard after her for me and my whole family…I m just 19 but feel like ending my life too because that incident changed my life 360 degree… I m depressed, guilty and all alone… I feel I will never be happy in my life again and life has no meaning for me still for my family I won’t do anything like this because they won’t be able to take another shock… The thing which hurts me the most is that to some extent I knew she was not ok due to her breakup and small family fights I tried to make her understand but it was not enough… I should have understood her in better way… She told no one in family but me and my cousin… She used to say to me that I don’t know if after your birthday I would be there or not but I didn’t take it seriously and thought she is joking to tease me because she was so mature and so caring I thought she is elder than me and knows better this is not right and she killed her in the same month….. But I was not able to see the pain she was going through, she was depressed and wanted to get back to her jerk ex bf…. And now I am going through same kind of pain… I m depressed… I just want to talk to her because we didn’t talk for 3 days I was busy with my exams and was not there for her when she needed me… I know I am the worst sister anyone could get but I really loved her alot I want to do something for her and want to say sorry to her…. Just one chance I need but unfortunately I don’t even know if I will ever meet her again or not…

  102. Chan  May 28, 2019 at 2:46 pm Reply

    My 23 year old elder sister whom I loved the most in my life killed herself by suicide one month ago… She was kind, loving, helpful, used to think about others happiness before her and was the best person in my life… Life is just so hard after her for me and my whole family…I m just 19 but feel like ending my life too because that incident changed my life 360 degree… I m depressed, guilty and all alone… I feel I will never be happy in my life again and life has no meaning for me still for my family I won’t do anything like this because they won’t be able to take another shock… The thing which hurts me the most is that to some extent I knew she was not ok due to her breakup and small family fights I tried to make her understand but it was not enough… I should have understood her in better way… She told no one in family but me and my cousin… She used to say to me that I don’t know if after your birthday I would be there or not but I didn’t take it seriously and thought she is joking to tease me because she was so mature and so caring I thought she is elder than me and knows better this is not right and she killed her in the same month….. But I was not able to see the pain she was going through, she was depressed and wanted to get back to her jerk ex bf…. And now I am going through same kind of pain… I m depressed… I just want to talk to her because we didn’t talk for 3 days I was busy with my exams and was not there for her when she needed me… I know I am the worst sister anyone could get but I really loved her alot I want to do something for her and want to say sorry to her…. Just one chance I need but unfortunately I don’t even know if I will ever meet her again or not…

  103. Chan  May 28, 2019 at 2:46 pm Reply

    My 23 year old elder sister whom I loved the most in my life killed herself by suicide one month ago… She was kind, loving, helpful, used to think about others happiness before her and was the best person in my life… Life is just so hard after her for me and my whole family…I m just 19 but feel like ending my life too because that incident changed my life 360 degree… I m depressed, guilty and all alone… I feel I will never be happy in my life again and life has no meaning for me still for my family I won’t do anything like this because they won’t be able to take another shock… The thing which hurts me the most is that to some extent I knew she was not ok due to her breakup and small family fights I tried to make her understand but it was not enough… I should have understood her in better way… She told no one in family but me and my cousin… She used to say to me that I don’t know if after your birthday I would be there or not but I didn’t take it seriously and thought she is joking to tease me because she was so mature and so caring I thought she is elder than me and knows better this is not right and she killed her in the same month….. But I was not able to see the pain she was going through, she was depressed and wanted to get back to her jerk ex bf…. And now I am going through same kind of pain… I m depressed… I just want to talk to her because we didn’t talk for 3 days I was busy with my exams and was not there for her when she needed me… I know I am the worst sister anyone could get but I really loved her alot I want to do something for her and want to say sorry to her…. Just one chance I need but unfortunately I don’t even know if I will ever meet her again or not…

    • Ray  May 28, 2019 at 7:01 pm Reply

      Chan,

      This is never the answer to any situation. There are alternatives. Please reach out to someone for help. Ray.perez001@gmail.com

      I’m here to help also. Just don’t make the same mistake. Please.

      RAY

    • Austin  June 21, 2019 at 5:05 am Reply

      I lost my closest brother 2 years ago to what was most likely suicide by cop. I miss him so much, I can relate with you 100% if you ever need someone to talk to plz feel free to email me at jackboy918@yahoo.com

  104. Chan  May 28, 2019 at 2:39 pm Reply

    My 23 year old elder sister whom I loved the most in my life killed herself by suicide one month ago… She was kind, loving, helpful, used to think about others happiness before her and was the best person in my life… Life is just so hard after her for me and my whole family…I m just 19 but feel like ending my life too because that incident changed my life 360 degree… I m depressed, guilty and all alone… I feel I will never be happy in my life again and life has no meaning for me still for my family I won’t do anything like this because they won’t be able to take another shock… The thing which hurts me the most is that to some extent I knew she was not ok due to her breakup and small family fights I tried to make her understand but it was not enough… I should have understood her in better way… She told no one in family but me and my cousin… She used to say to me that I don’t know if after your birthday I would be there or not but I didn’t take it seriously and thought she is joking to tease me because she was so mature and so caring I thought she is elder than me and knows better this is not right and she killed her in the same month….. But I was not able to see the pain she was going through, she was depressed and wanted to get back to her jerk ex bf…. And now I am going through same kind of pain… I m depressed… I just want to talk to her because we didn’t talk for 3 days I was busy with my exams and was not there for her when she needed me… I know I am the worst sister anyone could get but I really loved her alot I want to do something for her and want to say sorry to her…. Just one chance I need but unfortunately I don’t even know if I will ever meet her again or not… Plz tell me what to do

  105. Chan  May 28, 2019 at 2:39 pm Reply

    My 23 year old elder sister whom I loved the most in my life killed herself by suicide one month ago… She was kind, loving, helpful, used to think about others happiness before her and was the best person in my life… Life is just so hard after her for me and my whole family…I m just 19 but feel like ending my life too because that incident changed my life 360 degree… I m depressed, guilty and all alone… I feel I will never be happy in my life again and life has no meaning for me still for my family I won’t do anything like this because they won’t be able to take another shock… The thing which hurts me the most is that to some extent I knew she was not ok due to her breakup and small family fights I tried to make her understand but it was not enough… I should have understood her in better way… She told no one in family but me and my cousin… She used to say to me that I don’t know if after your birthday I would be there or not but I didn’t take it seriously and thought she is joking to tease me because she was so mature and so caring I thought she is elder than me and knows better this is not right and she killed her in the same month….. But I was not able to see the pain she was going through, she was depressed and wanted to get back to her jerk ex bf…. And now I am going through same kind of pain… I m depressed… I just want to talk to her because we didn’t talk for 3 days I was busy with my exams and was not there for her when she needed me… I know I am the worst sister anyone could get but I really loved her alot I want to do something for her and want to say sorry to her…. Just one chance I need but unfortunately I don’t even know if I will ever meet her again or not… Plz tell me what to do

  106. Chan  May 28, 2019 at 2:39 pm Reply

    My 23 year old elder sister whom I loved the most in my life killed herself by suicide one month ago… She was kind, loving, helpful, used to think about others happiness before her and was the best person in my life… Life is just so hard after her for me and my whole family…I m just 19 but feel like ending my life too because that incident changed my life 360 degree… I m depressed, guilty and all alone… I feel I will never be happy in my life again and life has no meaning for me still for my family I won’t do anything like this because they won’t be able to take another shock… The thing which hurts me the most is that to some extent I knew she was not ok due to her breakup and small family fights I tried to make her understand but it was not enough… I should have understood her in better way… She told no one in family but me and my cousin… She used to say to me that I don’t know if after your birthday I would be there or not but I didn’t take it seriously and thought she is joking to tease me because she was so mature and so caring I thought she is elder than me and knows better this is not right and she killed her in the same month….. But I was not able to see the pain she was going through, she was depressed and wanted to get back to her jerk ex bf…. And now I am going through same kind of pain… I m depressed… I just want to talk to her because we didn’t talk for 3 days I was busy with my exams and was not there for her when she needed me… I know I am the worst sister anyone could get but I really loved her alot I want to do something for her and want to say sorry to her…. Just one chance I need but unfortunately I don’t even know if I will ever meet her again or not… Plz tell me what to do

    • Michelle  May 28, 2019 at 8:07 pm Reply

      Chan, I’m so very sorry for the loss of your sister, how heartbreaking! All the things you are feeling are normal after a tragic loss such as this but know this – it’s not your fault and it’s nobody’s fault. Not one thing pushes a person to take their own life but often a series of things, along with distorted thinking. Your sister wasn’t thinking rationally for if she was she would have considered the heartbreak she would be causing those that loved her. Take time to grieve, to cry, to be angry. No emotion is wrong if that’s what you’re feeling. Allow yourself to feel the full scope of your feelings. Some days will be better than others and over time you will begin to smile and laugh again. It is your right to live the best life you know how. Honor your sister by living your best life.

      • Pam cavanagh  October 31, 2019 at 11:57 am

        Thank you. Similiar to Chan. My nephew confided in me that he’d put a belt around his neck. He begged me to not tell anyone. I kept his secret. Six weeks later he hanged himself. I am so sad and remorseful.

  107. Gerald H Bokor  May 23, 2019 at 10:47 am Reply

    My ex-wife took her life 2 weeks ago un-expectedly. Divorced for about 9 years she had re-married 6 years ago. We shared 2 great kids boy & girl 21 and 24 currently. She had suffered from depression for years and a licensed RN one would think she’d be the first to admit a problem, nope! I couldn’t deal with the emotions as a result of this disease and had to file for separation. So with that being said, I continued to love this woman as I did when we met but just knowing we could never live together was tough.

    Then 2 weeks ago I get a call from my son. broke my heart that a 20 yo boy had to tell his father his mom was gone. Nothing could have prepared me for the emotions I would be living with for the rest of my life. Why didn’t she call me? the questions came faster than I could process. But at the end of the day it was about the kids, how do I go from a dad with an ex-wife and two kids with a mother, who was active with them up until the last 20 minutes of her life to this?

    The pain she must have felt I can’t even begin to imagine. She had attempted during our 18 year marriage but the effort was never there. I just can’t wrap my head around the fact that an accomplished nurse and the mom of 2 of the best kids one could ask for, could do this? but that’s how powerful (it) is!!! I suffered a major heart attack and PE clot last year and thought wow at least my ex wife would have been here if I hadn’t have made it, heck she was at the foot of my bed when I woke up, I was at her hospital. And now this, what do I do now? my kids OMG.

    My son turned 21 4 days after we buried his mom, my daughter turns 25 in 2 weeks, it’s going to be a long road something I never thought I would have to be privy to. Don’t ever become to complacent and think your in control because in the blink of an eye your life and those around you can change forever. God bless & Love you L and know that “I got this”!

  108. Gerald H Bokor  May 23, 2019 at 10:47 am Reply

    My ex-wife took her life 2 weeks ago un-expectedly. Divorced for about 9 years she had re-married 6 years ago. We shared 2 great kids boy & girl 21 and 24 currently. She had suffered from depression for years and a licensed RN one would think she’d be the first to admit a problem, nope! I couldn’t deal with the emotions as a result of this disease and had to file for separation. So with that being said, I continued to love this woman as I did when we met but just knowing we could never live together was tough.

    Then 2 weeks ago I get a call from my son. broke my heart that a 20 yo boy had to tell his father his mom was gone. Nothing could have prepared me for the emotions I would be living with for the rest of my life. Why didn’t she call me? the questions came faster than I could process. But at the end of the day it was about the kids, how do I go from a dad with an ex-wife and two kids with a mother, who was active with them up until the last 20 minutes of her life to this?

    The pain she must have felt I can’t even begin to imagine. She had attempted during our 18 year marriage but the effort was never there. I just can’t wrap my head around the fact that an accomplished nurse and the mom of 2 of the best kids one could ask for, could do this? but that’s how powerful (it) is!!! I suffered a major heart attack and PE clot last year and thought wow at least my ex wife would have been here if I hadn’t have made it, heck she was at the foot of my bed when I woke up, I was at her hospital. And now this, what do I do now? my kids OMG.

    My son turned 21 4 days after we buried his mom, my daughter turns 25 in 2 weeks, it’s going to be a long road something I never thought I would have to be privy to. Don’t ever become to complacent and think your in control because in the blink of an eye your life and those around you can change forever. God bless & Love you L and know that “I got this”!

  109. Gerald H Bokor  May 23, 2019 at 10:47 am Reply

    My ex-wife took her life 2 weeks ago un-expectedly. Divorced for about 9 years she had re-married 6 years ago. We shared 2 great kids boy & girl 21 and 24 currently. She had suffered from depression for years and a licensed RN one would think she’d be the first to admit a problem, nope! I couldn’t deal with the emotions as a result of this disease and had to file for separation. So with that being said, I continued to love this woman as I did when we met but just knowing we could never live together was tough.

    Then 2 weeks ago I get a call from my son. broke my heart that a 20 yo boy had to tell his father his mom was gone. Nothing could have prepared me for the emotions I would be living with for the rest of my life. Why didn’t she call me? the questions came faster than I could process. But at the end of the day it was about the kids, how do I go from a dad with an ex-wife and two kids with a mother, who was active with them up until the last 20 minutes of her life to this?

    The pain she must have felt I can’t even begin to imagine. She had attempted during our 18 year marriage but the effort was never there. I just can’t wrap my head around the fact that an accomplished nurse and the mom of 2 of the best kids one could ask for, could do this? but that’s how powerful (it) is!!! I suffered a major heart attack and PE clot last year and thought wow at least my ex wife would have been here if I hadn’t have made it, heck she was at the foot of my bed when I woke up, I was at her hospital. And now this, what do I do now? my kids OMG.

    My son turned 21 4 days after we buried his mom, my daughter turns 25 in 2 weeks, it’s going to be a long road something I never thought I would have to be privy to. Don’t ever become to complacent and think your in control because in the blink of an eye your life and those around you can change forever. God bless & Love you L and know that “I got this”!

  110. Brett Beddow  May 22, 2019 at 11:15 pm Reply

    So much I want to say , but after all these years I still think about it. Every funeral I go to or hear about I flash back to Mary’s , my wife , in 1998. Every time I see someone hold a gun to their head either in a kid or joking. It’s not always bad thoughts , I miss spending time her , the way I felt around her. She needed me and I need her. Finding out bad things afterwards or cleaning up , picking fragments out of the wall in the other room. The way peop,e looked at me. She has come to me in my dreams or my mind has tricked me into thinking that – but I miss her still
    I’ve relived every fight wondering what triggered it , why ? I’m broken and will never be the same.

  111. Brett Beddow  May 22, 2019 at 11:15 pm Reply

    So much I want to say , but after all these years I still think about it. Every funeral I go to or hear about I flash back to Mary’s , my wife , in 1998. Every time I see someone hold a gun to their head either in a kid or joking. It’s not always bad thoughts , I miss spending time her , the way I felt around her. She needed me and I need her. Finding out bad things afterwards or cleaning up , picking fragments out of the wall in the other room. The way peop,e looked at me. She has come to me in my dreams or my mind has tricked me into thinking that – but I miss her still
    I’ve relived every fight wondering what triggered it , why ? I’m broken and will never be the same.

  112. Brett Beddow  May 22, 2019 at 11:15 pm Reply

    So much I want to say , but after all these years I still think about it. Every funeral I go to or hear about I flash back to Mary’s , my wife , in 1998. Every time I see someone hold a gun to their head either in a kid or joking. It’s not always bad thoughts , I miss spending time her , the way I felt around her. She needed me and I need her. Finding out bad things afterwards or cleaning up , picking fragments out of the wall in the other room. The way peop,e looked at me. She has come to me in my dreams or my mind has tricked me into thinking that – but I miss her still
    I’ve relived every fight wondering what triggered it , why ? I’m broken and will never be the same.

  113. jae  May 13, 2019 at 8:51 pm Reply

    three months ago one of my best friends, who was long distance, killed himself. he was only seventeen and it hurts it hurts so bad he was basically my older brother and i miss him so much it hurts and then another friend of mine went to prison not long after and it sucks i know i still have friends and all but sometimes all i can think of is when i found out my friend killed himself like i had just gotten a math test and a friend had messaged me and everyone else in the friend group that he was in the hospital and we didn’t know if he was dead and all i remember is thinking that he can’t be dead no way he always bounces back. i remember just not believing it and i remember breaking down in my moms arms and it sucks it sucks so bad i’m so angry and upset i just miss him i want my older brother back.

  114. jae  May 13, 2019 at 8:51 pm Reply

    three months ago one of my best friends, who was long distance, killed himself. he was only seventeen and it hurts it hurts so bad he was basically my older brother and i miss him so much it hurts and then another friend of mine went to prison not long after and it sucks i know i still have friends and all but sometimes all i can think of is when i found out my friend killed himself like i had just gotten a math test and a friend had messaged me and everyone else in the friend group that he was in the hospital and we didn’t know if he was dead and all i remember is thinking that he can’t be dead no way he always bounces back. i remember just not believing it and i remember breaking down in my moms arms and it sucks it sucks so bad i’m so angry and upset i just miss him i want my older brother back.

  115. jae  May 13, 2019 at 8:51 pm Reply

    three months ago one of my best friends, who was long distance, killed himself. he was only seventeen and it hurts it hurts so bad he was basically my older brother and i miss him so much it hurts and then another friend of mine went to prison not long after and it sucks i know i still have friends and all but sometimes all i can think of is when i found out my friend killed himself like i had just gotten a math test and a friend had messaged me and everyone else in the friend group that he was in the hospital and we didn’t know if he was dead and all i remember is thinking that he can’t be dead no way he always bounces back. i remember just not believing it and i remember breaking down in my moms arms and it sucks it sucks so bad i’m so angry and upset i just miss him i want my older brother back.

    • Matt  January 15, 2020 at 8:20 am Reply

      Hey, Jae. I’m sorry for your loss. I’ve been through a similar experience, my best friend abruptly took his own life just a few days ago. Jacob was essentially the foundation of my growth. I was struggling with every sort of disorder and constantly overwhelmed and exhausted, and when I began recovering from my severe depression, Jacob was the catalyst of my happiness. To me, he was a lot like your friend- an older brother, a very young man who brought light into this world. All of the pain and anger and relief and stress you will experience is normal, and although I may not be a counselor or a therapist, you can contact me at matthewenzel@gmail.com if you need to talk about it. I hope things get better.

  116. Jai  May 12, 2019 at 12:38 pm Reply

    My brother took his life 3 years ago, he wrapped his head with a towel and proceeded to shoot himself, he was just 27 years old. He had told me that he had thought about suicide before, I got him an appointment with a physician who gave him antidepressant medications. A month later he ended his life. He was ten years younger than I, being the older sister I took care of him, babysitted him growing up…..my role has always been caretaker. A year later my husband died of heart attack and my other brother went to prison for drugs he started using after my baby brothers death. Following all of this I found out I have bipolar with mixed features, Ptsd, social anxiety and agoraphobia, my dad also found out he is bipolar as well. I feel the hopelessness my brother must have felt, it’s no kind of life to be eternally sad, no joy, no color. I blame myself for not taking his telling me that he had thoughts of suicide in a more critical way. I blame myself for not sending him to a better doctor. I have isolated myself, some days getting out of bed is impossible. I feel like a shell of a person just here. I have recently went on lithium, lifting depression slightly. I cry daily of course hiding it from my family. I just want half the person I use to be before his death. I don’t know how to get out of this sad rut I’m in. I hope anyone who has lost someone to bipolar can just know that meds after meds, some get no relief. Insomnia and the overwhelming sadness day after day, some not able to function is no quality of life. It is torture, not to mention the bipolar or depression causes you to hurt physically, including severe headaches, stomach problems etc. It’s overwhelming, most think of anyway to feel relief. Even knowing this, the grief is horrendous, so many shoulda, coulda, woulda, not to mention the answers I so desire. I just don’t know how to get back to me, the old me…..I’m stuck in my grief, a complete sad rut. My life is like the movie Groundhog Day, everyday the same. I am so sorry to all of you who have had the tragic loss of a loved one, sincerely!

  117. Jai  May 12, 2019 at 12:38 pm Reply

    My brother took his life 3 years ago, he wrapped his head with a towel and proceeded to shoot himself, he was just 27 years old. He had told me that he had thought about suicide before, I got him an appointment with a physician who gave him antidepressant medications. A month later he ended his life. He was ten years younger than I, being the older sister I took care of him, babysitted him growing up…..my role has always been caretaker. A year later my husband died of heart attack and my other brother went to prison for drugs he started using after my baby brothers death. Following all of this I found out I have bipolar with mixed features, Ptsd, social anxiety and agoraphobia, my dad also found out he is bipolar as well. I feel the hopelessness my brother must have felt, it’s no kind of life to be eternally sad, no joy, no color. I blame myself for not taking his telling me that he had thoughts of suicide in a more critical way. I blame myself for not sending him to a better doctor. I have isolated myself, some days getting out of bed is impossible. I feel like a shell of a person just here. I have recently went on lithium, lifting depression slightly. I cry daily of course hiding it from my family. I just want half the person I use to be before his death. I don’t know how to get out of this sad rut I’m in. I hope anyone who has lost someone to bipolar can just know that meds after meds, some get no relief. Insomnia and the overwhelming sadness day after day, some not able to function is no quality of life. It is torture, not to mention the bipolar or depression causes you to hurt physically, including severe headaches, stomach problems etc. It’s overwhelming, most think of anyway to feel relief. Even knowing this, the grief is horrendous, so many shoulda, coulda, woulda, not to mention the answers I so desire. I just don’t know how to get back to me, the old me…..I’m stuck in my grief, a complete sad rut. My life is like the movie Groundhog Day, everyday the same. I am so sorry to all of you who have had the tragic loss of a loved one, sincerely!

  118. Jai  May 12, 2019 at 12:38 pm Reply

    My brother took his life 3 years ago, he wrapped his head with a towel and proceeded to shoot himself, he was just 27 years old. He had told me that he had thought about suicide before, I got him an appointment with a physician who gave him antidepressant medications. A month later he ended his life. He was ten years younger than I, being the older sister I took care of him, babysitted him growing up…..my role has always been caretaker. A year later my husband died of heart attack and my other brother went to prison for drugs he started using after my baby brothers death. Following all of this I found out I have bipolar with mixed features, Ptsd, social anxiety and agoraphobia, my dad also found out he is bipolar as well. I feel the hopelessness my brother must have felt, it’s no kind of life to be eternally sad, no joy, no color. I blame myself for not taking his telling me that he had thoughts of suicide in a more critical way. I blame myself for not sending him to a better doctor. I have isolated myself, some days getting out of bed is impossible. I feel like a shell of a person just here. I have recently went on lithium, lifting depression slightly. I cry daily of course hiding it from my family. I just want half the person I use to be before his death. I don’t know how to get out of this sad rut I’m in. I hope anyone who has lost someone to bipolar can just know that meds after meds, some get no relief. Insomnia and the overwhelming sadness day after day, some not able to function is no quality of life. It is torture, not to mention the bipolar or depression causes you to hurt physically, including severe headaches, stomach problems etc. It’s overwhelming, most think of anyway to feel relief. Even knowing this, the grief is horrendous, so many shoulda, coulda, woulda, not to mention the answers I so desire. I just don’t know how to get back to me, the old me…..I’m stuck in my grief, a complete sad rut. My life is like the movie Groundhog Day, everyday the same. I am so sorry to all of you who have had the tragic loss of a loved one, sincerely!

    • Elizabeth Berger  May 27, 2019 at 10:59 pm Reply

      this comment was touching. I’m depressed too and you put into words exactly how I’m feeling. what kind of life is this; a life without color..

  119. Connie  May 10, 2019 at 3:39 pm Reply

    We lost our son, and two years later our daughter in law remarried and her husband died exactly like our son 6 weeks after they got married. It was like we lived it all over again.

  120. Connie  May 10, 2019 at 3:39 pm Reply

    We lost our son, and two years later our daughter in law remarried and her husband died exactly like our son 6 weeks after they got married. It was like we lived it all over again.

  121. Connie  May 10, 2019 at 3:39 pm Reply

    We lost our son, and two years later our daughter in law remarried and her husband died exactly like our son 6 weeks after they got married. It was like we lived it all over again.

    • Dayna lucett  May 20, 2019 at 3:43 am Reply

      My son passed by suicide . He married a girl he was seeing for a very short time. I was against the marriage. I shot himself before his anniversary after learning she was cheating. I blame her as she has no emotions due to his death. I keep having these feelings that her next marriage will end in the same result. She had filed for divorce moved out and was happy go lucky to collect the life insurance .when he did this she ddnt even call us. I was contacted by the coroner in my county. My son lived out of state. The wife happily signed over his body, belongings. When I flew to the state he lives she for a living sells guns and knew he was severely struggling and never told us. I requested the 911 call and she knew. Is it wrong to feel she is responsible?

  122. Cindy  May 5, 2019 at 5:22 pm Reply

    Im sorry, but i say “my mother committed suicide”. If it adds depth to the grief, clearly it is wrong!!!!

  123. Cindy  May 5, 2019 at 5:22 pm Reply

    Im sorry, but i say “my mother committed suicide”. If it adds depth to the grief, clearly it is wrong!!!!

  124. Cindy  May 5, 2019 at 5:22 pm Reply

    Im sorry, but i say “my mother committed suicide”. If it adds depth to the grief, clearly it is wrong!!!!

  125. Diana  May 1, 2019 at 10:43 pm Reply

    My husband killed himself in the garage 2 weeks ago today, I found this site sooooo many suicides, I guess I am not alone grieving here. My husband was very unhappy although he was a very polite kind loving husband who really cared about me. The stigma of this kind of death is awful people have been wonderful to me but also shun me and look away. I know this is early in my grief and I not a regular person that posts stuff but wow so many people suffer after something like this. My husband was having a lot of issues was lonely, felt isolated from technology he was 67 I am 61, He was disabled most of his life from 21 on, So I was the bread winner we were so close to retirement I thought I could keep him on track for a few more months, till I could stop working and be with him full-time, Now I must rebuild a life without him after 35 years of being together, I read somewhere that basically his pain exceeded his resources for coping with it. That has given me a little bit of comfort. I miss him dearly and listen to the last voicemails and messages he left for me for comfort. This is a long slow process and I really feel for anyone who has to live this, We need to make sure people understand this better and make help easier to get. Well that is my hope anyways. I hope if you are reading this you will forgive your loved one and yourself if you feel you have any blame, I wish I had something better to say to help you if you are living through this.

  126. Diana  May 1, 2019 at 10:43 pm Reply

    My husband killed himself in the garage 2 weeks ago today, I found this site sooooo many suicides, I guess I am not alone grieving here. My husband was very unhappy although he was a very polite kind loving husband who really cared about me. The stigma of this kind of death is awful people have been wonderful to me but also shun me and look away. I know this is early in my grief and I not a regular person that posts stuff but wow so many people suffer after something like this. My husband was having a lot of issues was lonely, felt isolated from technology he was 67 I am 61, He was disabled most of his life from 21 on, So I was the bread winner we were so close to retirement I thought I could keep him on track for a few more months, till I could stop working and be with him full-time, Now I must rebuild a life without him after 35 years of being together, I read somewhere that basically his pain exceeded his resources for coping with it. That has given me a little bit of comfort. I miss him dearly and listen to the last voicemails and messages he left for me for comfort. This is a long slow process and I really feel for anyone who has to live this, We need to make sure people understand this better and make help easier to get. Well that is my hope anyways. I hope if you are reading this you will forgive your loved one and yourself if you feel you have any blame, I wish I had something better to say to help you if you are living through this.

  127. Diana  May 1, 2019 at 10:43 pm Reply

    My husband killed himself in the garage 2 weeks ago today, I found this site sooooo many suicides, I guess I am not alone grieving here. My husband was very unhappy although he was a very polite kind loving husband who really cared about me. The stigma of this kind of death is awful people have been wonderful to me but also shun me and look away. I know this is early in my grief and I not a regular person that posts stuff but wow so many people suffer after something like this. My husband was having a lot of issues was lonely, felt isolated from technology he was 67 I am 61, He was disabled most of his life from 21 on, So I was the bread winner we were so close to retirement I thought I could keep him on track for a few more months, till I could stop working and be with him full-time, Now I must rebuild a life without him after 35 years of being together, I read somewhere that basically his pain exceeded his resources for coping with it. That has given me a little bit of comfort. I miss him dearly and listen to the last voicemails and messages he left for me for comfort. This is a long slow process and I really feel for anyone who has to live this, We need to make sure people understand this better and make help easier to get. Well that is my hope anyways. I hope if you are reading this you will forgive your loved one and yourself if you feel you have any blame, I wish I had something better to say to help you if you are living through this.

    • Samantha  May 7, 2019 at 1:10 am Reply

      What a lovely message. My son took his life. I am working on forgiving myself even though my friends say there is nothing to forgive. As a mum I should have done more. Your husband was very lucky to have such a kind wife for so many years.

  128. Jasmine  April 21, 2019 at 3:11 pm Reply

    One week ago my grandfather jumped in front of the metro. He was 87. We suspected he was suffering from depression and was fed up because of my uncle who gave him a hard time was not a good son to him. My grandfather was emotionally abused by him. He had been frustrated for a long time. He said that he wanted to die but we never imagined in our dreams that this will actually happen. I met him a day before he decided to end his life. Spoke to him on the phone half an hour ago before he left the house to do this. I can’t stop thinking about how this could have been avoided. He didn’t deserve to die like this. I miss him.

  129. Jasmine  April 21, 2019 at 3:11 pm Reply

    One week ago my grandfather jumped in front of the metro. He was 87. We suspected he was suffering from depression and was fed up because of my uncle who gave him a hard time was not a good son to him. My grandfather was emotionally abused by him. He had been frustrated for a long time. He said that he wanted to die but we never imagined in our dreams that this will actually happen. I met him a day before he decided to end his life. Spoke to him on the phone half an hour ago before he left the house to do this. I can’t stop thinking about how this could have been avoided. He didn’t deserve to die like this. I miss him.

  130. Jasmine  April 21, 2019 at 3:11 pm Reply

    One week ago my grandfather jumped in front of the metro. He was 87. We suspected he was suffering from depression and was fed up because of my uncle who gave him a hard time was not a good son to him. My grandfather was emotionally abused by him. He had been frustrated for a long time. He said that he wanted to die but we never imagined in our dreams that this will actually happen. I met him a day before he decided to end his life. Spoke to him on the phone half an hour ago before he left the house to do this. I can’t stop thinking about how this could have been avoided. He didn’t deserve to die like this. I miss him.

  131. AshlynnStamps  April 18, 2019 at 11:27 pm Reply

    My Jaeson would be 23 years old in May, but yesterday he called me saying he was killing himself and that he would never see me again but he loved me. He wouldn’t tell me his location but that he’s hours away from home and he’s going to do it where no one can find him. It’s been 24 hours and there’s no signs of him or his vehicle. I’m scared to death. No one has heard from him or can get in touch with him. I’m the last one to have spoken to him. I just want to find him and get him the help he needs before I post his story here in the comment section too.

  132. AshlynnStamps  April 18, 2019 at 11:27 pm Reply

    My Jaeson would be 23 years old in May, but yesterday he called me saying he was killing himself and that he would never see me again but he loved me. He wouldn’t tell me his location but that he’s hours away from home and he’s going to do it where no one can find him. It’s been 24 hours and there’s no signs of him or his vehicle. I’m scared to death. No one has heard from him or can get in touch with him. I’m the last one to have spoken to him. I just want to find him and get him the help he needs before I post his story here in the comment section too.

  133. AshlynnStamps  April 18, 2019 at 11:27 pm Reply

    My Jaeson would be 23 years old in May, but yesterday he called me saying he was killing himself and that he would never see me again but he loved me. He wouldn’t tell me his location but that he’s hours away from home and he’s going to do it where no one can find him. It’s been 24 hours and there’s no signs of him or his vehicle. I’m scared to death. No one has heard from him or can get in touch with him. I’m the last one to have spoken to him. I just want to find him and get him the help he needs before I post his story here in the comment section too.

    • Erica  April 22, 2019 at 12:34 am Reply

      I’m so sorry for what you are going through. I know what it’s like. You’re in my prayers I hope you find your son. I truly do. I have a similar story, If you’re interested please don’t hesitate to email me efelix83@yahoo.com

  134. Stephanie  April 17, 2019 at 8:43 pm Reply

    My heart goes out to each every one of you. My mom took her own life 9 years ago. At the time we weren’t on speaking terms. Because of the abuse I endured and the most hurtful words any mom could say to her child.
    So I’ve carried that guilt of not being there or even not being on good terms. I was the one that got the calls when ever my mom would attempt to kill herself. I always wonder if she would have gone through with it even if we were on good terms, would it be harder for me to move forward?
    I’ll never know. But I do know that my mom was determined to end her life. Some even think that she would have take me with her if I was there. ( That’s really a scary thought). I personally don’t think she would have done that. Seeing the aftermath of it all was unbearable. I will say this, seeking out a life coach was the best thing I could have done for myself. My moms suicide has taught me a lot about myself. I don’t miss the Monster my mom could be , but I do miss the times when she would love me with out limits. Even if those times were short and brief. I know everyone experiences and grieves differently, but if anyone wants to chat. I’m here. I’ll listen.

  135. Stephanie  April 17, 2019 at 8:43 pm Reply

    My heart goes out to each every one of you. My mom took her own life 9 years ago. At the time we weren’t on speaking terms. Because of the abuse I endured and the most hurtful words any mom could say to her child.
    So I’ve carried that guilt of not being there or even not being on good terms. I was the one that got the calls when ever my mom would attempt to kill herself. I always wonder if she would have gone through with it even if we were on good terms, would it be harder for me to move forward?
    I’ll never know. But I do know that my mom was determined to end her life. Some even think that she would have take me with her if I was there. ( That’s really a scary thought). I personally don’t think she would have done that. Seeing the aftermath of it all was unbearable. I will say this, seeking out a life coach was the best thing I could have done for myself. My moms suicide has taught me a lot about myself. I don’t miss the Monster my mom could be , but I do miss the times when she would love me with out limits. Even if those times were short and brief. I know everyone experiences and grieves differently, but if anyone wants to chat. I’m here. I’ll listen.

  136. Stephanie  April 17, 2019 at 8:43 pm Reply

    My heart goes out to each every one of you. My mom took her own life 9 years ago. At the time we weren’t on speaking terms. Because of the abuse I endured and the most hurtful words any mom could say to her child.
    So I’ve carried that guilt of not being there or even not being on good terms. I was the one that got the calls when ever my mom would attempt to kill herself. I always wonder if she would have gone through with it even if we were on good terms, would it be harder for me to move forward?
    I’ll never know. But I do know that my mom was determined to end her life. Some even think that she would have take me with her if I was there. ( That’s really a scary thought). I personally don’t think she would have done that. Seeing the aftermath of it all was unbearable. I will say this, seeking out a life coach was the best thing I could have done for myself. My moms suicide has taught me a lot about myself. I don’t miss the Monster my mom could be , but I do miss the times when she would love me with out limits. Even if those times were short and brief. I know everyone experiences and grieves differently, but if anyone wants to chat. I’m here. I’ll listen.

  137. Julie  April 16, 2019 at 10:28 am Reply

    I lost my common law partner to suicide 5 months ago and I miss him so. Life seems like I am on automatic pilot just going through the motions, with little or no joy. I also mourn the future that I will never have with him, especially since we were so close to our retirement that had so much promise to be filled with fun adventures. We had such a loving relationship that it is hard for me to understand that it was not enough for him to continue to live for. It is also hard for me to understand that I was not enough to have saved him. Yes he did suffer from anxiety and near the end depression symptoms were present but he was being treated for the best part of a year, including by a psychiatrist, so I thought all was under control. Maybe because that is what I wanted to believe, I did not see the situation clearly.. I did notice that he was a bit distant at times but I had blamed that on the medication. I was so busy with work for a few days leading up to the end that maybe I was less attentive than I should have been. I had a pre-planned obligation out of town when it happened. I feel so guilty for: not seeing the signs; not taking the time required to really explore how he was feeling before I left town, and for leaving when he obviously needed me most. We did go out for supper before I left and I did ask if it was ok if I go as planned, to which he nodded yes. At this point I am not sure if it was something that was preplanned or something that he decided to do after I left town. I was not gone 24hrs when it happened. I am not sure how I will get through this and I question my self-worth for not being or doing enough to save him.

  138. Julie  April 16, 2019 at 10:28 am Reply

    I lost my common law partner to suicide 5 months ago and I miss him so. Life seems like I am on automatic pilot just going through the motions, with little or no joy. I also mourn the future that I will never have with him, especially since we were so close to our retirement that had so much promise to be filled with fun adventures. We had such a loving relationship that it is hard for me to understand that it was not enough for him to continue to live for. It is also hard for me to understand that I was not enough to have saved him. Yes he did suffer from anxiety and near the end depression symptoms were present but he was being treated for the best part of a year, including by a psychiatrist, so I thought all was under control. Maybe because that is what I wanted to believe, I did not see the situation clearly.. I did notice that he was a bit distant at times but I had blamed that on the medication. I was so busy with work for a few days leading up to the end that maybe I was less attentive than I should have been. I had a pre-planned obligation out of town when it happened. I feel so guilty for: not seeing the signs; not taking the time required to really explore how he was feeling before I left town, and for leaving when he obviously needed me most. We did go out for supper before I left and I did ask if it was ok if I go as planned, to which he nodded yes. At this point I am not sure if it was something that was preplanned or something that he decided to do after I left town. I was not gone 24hrs when it happened. I am not sure how I will get through this and I question my self-worth for not being or doing enough to save him.

  139. Julie  April 16, 2019 at 10:28 am Reply

    I lost my common law partner to suicide 5 months ago and I miss him so. Life seems like I am on automatic pilot just going through the motions, with little or no joy. I also mourn the future that I will never have with him, especially since we were so close to our retirement that had so much promise to be filled with fun adventures. We had such a loving relationship that it is hard for me to understand that it was not enough for him to continue to live for. It is also hard for me to understand that I was not enough to have saved him. Yes he did suffer from anxiety and near the end depression symptoms were present but he was being treated for the best part of a year, including by a psychiatrist, so I thought all was under control. Maybe because that is what I wanted to believe, I did not see the situation clearly.. I did notice that he was a bit distant at times but I had blamed that on the medication. I was so busy with work for a few days leading up to the end that maybe I was less attentive than I should have been. I had a pre-planned obligation out of town when it happened. I feel so guilty for: not seeing the signs; not taking the time required to really explore how he was feeling before I left town, and for leaving when he obviously needed me most. We did go out for supper before I left and I did ask if it was ok if I go as planned, to which he nodded yes. At this point I am not sure if it was something that was preplanned or something that he decided to do after I left town. I was not gone 24hrs when it happened. I am not sure how I will get through this and I question my self-worth for not being or doing enough to save him.

  140. Carolyn  April 11, 2019 at 2:44 pm Reply

    My brother took his life on 03.01.19.
    I cant even put into words how i feel about it.
    I could have saved him i know i could of, he messaged me at 04.18 am telling me he loved me. I woke at around 7 and seen it, thought to myself this was out of character and then seen the heart he posted on facebook.
    If i hadnt of been so busy with my life i could have phoned my mum who was in the house with him and told her.
    12.36pm i get the phone call , “there is something wrong with your brother he is unresponsive”.
    My life crumbled.
    I drove to the house after what felt like forever, soon after he was pronounced dead.
    My only sibling. My bestfriend. My idol. My brother.
    Not long after my mum then overdosed , and ever since im going back and forward every day to get her daily perscription.
    I have 3 children to look after also.
    I just feel fed up, numb, and i just want to be with my brother.

  141. Carolyn  April 11, 2019 at 2:44 pm Reply

    My brother took his life on 03.01.19.
    I cant even put into words how i feel about it.
    I could have saved him i know i could of, he messaged me at 04.18 am telling me he loved me. I woke at around 7 and seen it, thought to myself this was out of character and then seen the heart he posted on facebook.
    If i hadnt of been so busy with my life i could have phoned my mum who was in the house with him and told her.
    12.36pm i get the phone call , “there is something wrong with your brother he is unresponsive”.
    My life crumbled.
    I drove to the house after what felt like forever, soon after he was pronounced dead.
    My only sibling. My bestfriend. My idol. My brother.
    Not long after my mum then overdosed , and ever since im going back and forward every day to get her daily perscription.
    I have 3 children to look after also.
    I just feel fed up, numb, and i just want to be with my brother.

  142. Carolyn  April 11, 2019 at 2:44 pm Reply

    My brother took his life on 03.01.19.
    I cant even put into words how i feel about it.
    I could have saved him i know i could of, he messaged me at 04.18 am telling me he loved me. I woke at around 7 and seen it, thought to myself this was out of character and then seen the heart he posted on facebook.
    If i hadnt of been so busy with my life i could have phoned my mum who was in the house with him and told her.
    12.36pm i get the phone call , “there is something wrong with your brother he is unresponsive”.
    My life crumbled.
    I drove to the house after what felt like forever, soon after he was pronounced dead.
    My only sibling. My bestfriend. My idol. My brother.
    Not long after my mum then overdosed , and ever since im going back and forward every day to get her daily perscription.
    I have 3 children to look after also.
    I just feel fed up, numb, and i just want to be with my brother.

    • Laurie  April 24, 2019 at 3:04 pm Reply

      My brother and only sibling died by suicide on 2-19-19. I have 2 kids. I know exactly what you’re feeling. It is a lonely feeling. Know that someone else out there knows how you feel.

  143. Cristina  April 7, 2019 at 3:54 pm Reply

    my boyfriend and best friend died by suicide yesterday. i do feel like i’m going crazy. nothing makes sense to me. his friends and family blame and i blame myself too. I was the last person he texted before he took his life. i was the last thought he had before he pulled the trigger, how can i not hold some sort of blame. i want a re-do. i just want one more chance. i’m angry and i’m sad and i feel like i’m broken into a million little pieces. When i try to piece myself back together i feel like i’m missing a half the pieces. i feel like i will never be the same after this. and that scares the shit out of me. does anybody know of coping tools?

  144. Cristina  April 7, 2019 at 3:54 pm Reply

    my boyfriend and best friend died by suicide yesterday. i do feel like i’m going crazy. nothing makes sense to me. his friends and family blame and i blame myself too. I was the last person he texted before he took his life. i was the last thought he had before he pulled the trigger, how can i not hold some sort of blame. i want a re-do. i just want one more chance. i’m angry and i’m sad and i feel like i’m broken into a million little pieces. When i try to piece myself back together i feel like i’m missing a half the pieces. i feel like i will never be the same after this. and that scares the shit out of me. does anybody know of coping tools?

  145. Cristina  April 7, 2019 at 3:54 pm Reply

    my boyfriend and best friend died by suicide yesterday. i do feel like i’m going crazy. nothing makes sense to me. his friends and family blame and i blame myself too. I was the last person he texted before he took his life. i was the last thought he had before he pulled the trigger, how can i not hold some sort of blame. i want a re-do. i just want one more chance. i’m angry and i’m sad and i feel like i’m broken into a million little pieces. When i try to piece myself back together i feel like i’m missing a half the pieces. i feel like i will never be the same after this. and that scares the shit out of me. does anybody know of coping tools?

    • Dan  April 10, 2019 at 5:02 pm Reply

      Hi Cristina, my sister jumped in front of a train last week and those who were close to her are all still in shock. I am reading everything I can find right now about suicide, there is a lot of helpful information out there. Here is a summary from one article, I hope it might help you …

      Beyond surviving
      • Know you can survive. You may not think so, but you can. • Question why it happened until you no longer need to know why or until you are satisfied with partial answers. • Know you may feel overwhelmed by the intensity of your feelings—and that all your feelings are normal. • You may feel confused and forgetful. This is common when you are mourning. • You may feel angry with the person, with the world, with God, with yourself. It’s okay to express it. It is also okay not to feel angry. • You may feel guilty for what you think you did or did not do. Let guilt turn to forgiveness of yourself and others. • Having suicidal thoughts is common. It does not mean you will act on those thoughts. If the thoughts continue, seek help and support. • Remember to take one moment or one day at a time. • Find a good listener with whom to share. Call someone when you need to talk.
      Don’t be afraid to cry. Tears are healing. • Give yourself time to heal. • Remember: The choice was not yours. No one is the sole influence in another’s life. • Expect setbacks. If emotions return like a tidal wave, you may be experiencing a remnant of grief, which is a normal part of grieving. • Put off major decisions if you can. • Give yourself permission to get professional help. • Be aware of the pain of your family and friends. • Be patient with yourself and with others who may not understand. • Set your own limits and learn to say “No.” • Steer clear of people who want to tell you what or how to feel. • Do not accept blame from yourself or others. • Know that there are support groups that can be helpful. If not, ask a professional to help start one. • Call on your personal faith and values to help you through. • It is common to experience physical reactions to your grief, such as headaches, loss of appetite and difficulty sleeping. • The willingness to laugh with others and at yourself is healing. • Wear out your questions, anger, guilt or other feelings until you can let them go. Letting go doesn’t mean forgetting. • Know that you will never be the same again—and that you can survive and even go beyond surviving.
      Adapted from I. Bolton & C. Mitchell. (1983). My Son…My Son: A Guide to Healing after Death, Loss or Suicide. Atlanta, GA: Bolton Press. With permission from Iris Bolton.

      • Cristina Munoz  April 11, 2019 at 1:14 pm

        Thank you Dan. This is all super helpful, I needed this. I’m sorry you’re going through this too.

    • Katharina  July 24, 2019 at 6:12 am Reply

      Dear Cristina,
      my boyfriend and best friend committed suicide six months ago. You´re the first person I could find that experienced the same. I feel so sorry for you. It is so hard when there´s nobody who can understand this pain. If you want to talk or something, that´d be nice. I really hope you can cope in some way. All the best.

    • Mila  November 2, 2019 at 1:46 am Reply

      My ex boyfriend killed himself July 29, 2019. Self inflicted gunshot to his head. I spoke to him that morning and he was happy, he loved boating and was out with friends having fun and drinking. He was successful and had an amazing family. I know he recently started seeing a therapist. He drank excessively and frequented hookers. He knew he needed to change and he was trying to. Overall, he was happy. I’ve never seen him upset or sad even. He had everything going for him. I don’t k is why he did this. He didn’t leave a note, he was found 2 days later. I don’t know if he thought about killing himself or if it was a random decision. He was the sweetest man I have ever met in my entire life. I miss him so much. I just want to make some sense of this.

  146. Lorraine Malonson  April 1, 2019 at 8:55 pm Reply

    My 28 year old son was found hanging in the woods after going missing from a sober home 3 weeks earlier. This was 12/7/2018. He had battled mental health for 8 years. We put him in a sober home as a final resort where he was to address his self medicating and mental health issues. He was never properly diagnosed for 8 years as he would never follow through with treatment. We suspect he was bipolar with psychotic episodes. My heart is crushed and life will never be the same. I am in counseling and finding this more bearable. Please seek help! My mother died 4 days after my son’s funeral. I believe his death contributed to her death. I have barely begun to mourn her as I’m so consumed by him. Counseling definitely helps. If you don’t have the means for personal counseling, there are free support groups out there. Seek them out and help yourself live a better life.

  147. Lorraine Malonson  April 1, 2019 at 8:55 pm Reply

    My 28 year old son was found hanging in the woods after going missing from a sober home 3 weeks earlier. This was 12/7/2018. He had battled mental health for 8 years. We put him in a sober home as a final resort where he was to address his self medicating and mental health issues. He was never properly diagnosed for 8 years as he would never follow through with treatment. We suspect he was bipolar with psychotic episodes. My heart is crushed and life will never be the same. I am in counseling and finding this more bearable. Please seek help! My mother died 4 days after my son’s funeral. I believe his death contributed to her death. I have barely begun to mourn her as I’m so consumed by him. Counseling definitely helps. If you don’t have the means for personal counseling, there are free support groups out there. Seek them out and help yourself live a better life.

  148. Lorraine Malonson  April 1, 2019 at 8:55 pm Reply

    My 28 year old son was found hanging in the woods after going missing from a sober home 3 weeks earlier. This was 12/7/2018. He had battled mental health for 8 years. We put him in a sober home as a final resort where he was to address his self medicating and mental health issues. He was never properly diagnosed for 8 years as he would never follow through with treatment. We suspect he was bipolar with psychotic episodes. My heart is crushed and life will never be the same. I am in counseling and finding this more bearable. Please seek help! My mother died 4 days after my son’s funeral. I believe his death contributed to her death. I have barely begun to mourn her as I’m so consumed by him. Counseling definitely helps. If you don’t have the means for personal counseling, there are free support groups out there. Seek them out and help yourself live a better life.

  149. Savannah Elizabeth Speight  April 1, 2019 at 10:15 am Reply

    My best friend died to suicide 4/1/19 due to child abuse. I hope Gabriel can hear me, and that his mother and father go to justice, I love you, Gabe you will always be in my heart, you killing yourself has hurt me deeply, but now youŕe hopefully happy and in peace. You were with me and I wish that you were still standing by my side, Gabe, I love you.

  150. Savannah Elizabeth Speight  April 1, 2019 at 10:15 am Reply

    My best friend died to suicide 4/1/19 due to child abuse. I hope Gabriel can hear me, and that his mother and father go to justice, I love you, Gabe you will always be in my heart, you killing yourself has hurt me deeply, but now youŕe hopefully happy and in peace. You were with me and I wish that you were still standing by my side, Gabe, I love you.

  151. Savannah Elizabeth Speight  April 1, 2019 at 10:15 am Reply

    My best friend died to suicide 4/1/19 due to child abuse. I hope Gabriel can hear me, and that his mother and father go to justice, I love you, Gabe you will always be in my heart, you killing yourself has hurt me deeply, but now youŕe hopefully happy and in peace. You were with me and I wish that you were still standing by my side, Gabe, I love you.

  152. Sarah  March 23, 2019 at 6:08 am Reply

    Thanks for the article. My heart goes out to all those who have commented :'(

    My mother killed herself after numerous attempts 5 years ago. I am still grieving for her.
    I understand that for someone to take their life, they are in unbearable pain. A friend once told me they thought suicide was the most selfish act a person could do. I’ve thought about that comment, and yes, it is selfish… but for those who are suffering enough to find living unbearable, I understand it appears to be the only way out. Finding empathy and understanding after the sadness and anger passed has greatly helped with the healing process.

    I have felt alone in my grief, but funnily enough I met my boyfriend recently and discovered that he also lost his mother to suicide. It seems to be too common.

    The best advice I can offer through my experience is to feel your feelings, whatever they may be.
    We are human. We are vulnerable. But we are strong. There is strength in surviving loss.
    I still cry quietly, sometimes. I miss my mum. I open my heart and feel the pain of loving someone who was broken. Yet I won’t let it break me. And neither should you.

    Forgiveness and healing will come.

  153. Sarah  March 23, 2019 at 6:08 am Reply

    Thanks for the article. My heart goes out to all those who have commented :'(

    My mother killed herself after numerous attempts 5 years ago. I am still grieving for her.
    I understand that for someone to take their life, they are in unbearable pain. A friend once told me they thought suicide was the most selfish act a person could do. I’ve thought about that comment, and yes, it is selfish… but for those who are suffering enough to find living unbearable, I understand it appears to be the only way out. Finding empathy and understanding after the sadness and anger passed has greatly helped with the healing process.

    I have felt alone in my grief, but funnily enough I met my boyfriend recently and discovered that he also lost his mother to suicide. It seems to be too common.

    The best advice I can offer through my experience is to feel your feelings, whatever they may be.
    We are human. We are vulnerable. But we are strong. There is strength in surviving loss.
    I still cry quietly, sometimes. I miss my mum. I open my heart and feel the pain of loving someone who was broken. Yet I won’t let it break me. And neither should you.

    Forgiveness and healing will come.

  154. Sarah  March 23, 2019 at 6:08 am Reply

    Thanks for the article. My heart goes out to all those who have commented :'(

    My mother killed herself after numerous attempts 5 years ago. I am still grieving for her.
    I understand that for someone to take their life, they are in unbearable pain. A friend once told me they thought suicide was the most selfish act a person could do. I’ve thought about that comment, and yes, it is selfish… but for those who are suffering enough to find living unbearable, I understand it appears to be the only way out. Finding empathy and understanding after the sadness and anger passed has greatly helped with the healing process.

    I have felt alone in my grief, but funnily enough I met my boyfriend recently and discovered that he also lost his mother to suicide. It seems to be too common.

    The best advice I can offer through my experience is to feel your feelings, whatever they may be.
    We are human. We are vulnerable. But we are strong. There is strength in surviving loss.
    I still cry quietly, sometimes. I miss my mum. I open my heart and feel the pain of loving someone who was broken. Yet I won’t let it break me. And neither should you.

    Forgiveness and healing will come.

  155. Katie  March 21, 2019 at 11:11 am Reply

    My former fiance took his life 1/2/12 by gunshot on his parent’s property ( they owned a ranch). He was supposedly intoxicated at the time and beside him they found his bible and three letters to me. If that wasn’t traumatizing enough, I was never informed of his death nor told about his funeral. His parents blamed me and still do to this day, because I ended our engagement because my then fiance became active in his alcoholism. He and I were maintaining a long distance relationship so I never knew he was drinking the whole time, despite claiming sobriety. He came to visit me two weeks before the wedding and he was drunk when he came off the plane. He denied it for three days. Finally on the night before he left he admitted he’d been lying to me for months. I broke off the engagement (lost all my parent’s money towards the wedding) because I asked him to get help. I am a single mom and couldn’t expose my child to that danger. His first of three suicide attempts was a month later, the second a month after that and the third the day after new years. I tried to reach him after hearing about the first attempt but he never contacted me. The letters that he left for me said he didn’t want to live on this earth without me. His mother finally admitted to their existence when I called her after reading his obituary on the internet six months after his death. She didn’t keep but one of them, and the one she kept she sent and it was very painful. I have never been the same. Never been able to have a successful relationship. It’s been 7 years and both people I dated after were openly threatened that I still had feelings for the man that left this earth. I am forever changed. I have considered suicide many times but could never leave my child. Life can be so cruel.

  156. Katie  March 21, 2019 at 11:11 am Reply

    My former fiance took his life 1/2/12 by gunshot on his parent’s property ( they owned a ranch). He was supposedly intoxicated at the time and beside him they found his bible and three letters to me. If that wasn’t traumatizing enough, I was never informed of his death nor told about his funeral. His parents blamed me and still do to this day, because I ended our engagement because my then fiance became active in his alcoholism. He and I were maintaining a long distance relationship so I never knew he was drinking the whole time, despite claiming sobriety. He came to visit me two weeks before the wedding and he was drunk when he came off the plane. He denied it for three days. Finally on the night before he left he admitted he’d been lying to me for months. I broke off the engagement (lost all my parent’s money towards the wedding) because I asked him to get help. I am a single mom and couldn’t expose my child to that danger. His first of three suicide attempts was a month later, the second a month after that and the third the day after new years. I tried to reach him after hearing about the first attempt but he never contacted me. The letters that he left for me said he didn’t want to live on this earth without me. His mother finally admitted to their existence when I called her after reading his obituary on the internet six months after his death. She didn’t keep but one of them, and the one she kept she sent and it was very painful. I have never been the same. Never been able to have a successful relationship. It’s been 7 years and both people I dated after were openly threatened that I still had feelings for the man that left this earth. I am forever changed. I have considered suicide many times but could never leave my child. Life can be so cruel.

  157. Katie  March 21, 2019 at 11:11 am Reply

    My former fiance took his life 1/2/12 by gunshot on his parent’s property ( they owned a ranch). He was supposedly intoxicated at the time and beside him they found his bible and three letters to me. If that wasn’t traumatizing enough, I was never informed of his death nor told about his funeral. His parents blamed me and still do to this day, because I ended our engagement because my then fiance became active in his alcoholism. He and I were maintaining a long distance relationship so I never knew he was drinking the whole time, despite claiming sobriety. He came to visit me two weeks before the wedding and he was drunk when he came off the plane. He denied it for three days. Finally on the night before he left he admitted he’d been lying to me for months. I broke off the engagement (lost all my parent’s money towards the wedding) because I asked him to get help. I am a single mom and couldn’t expose my child to that danger. His first of three suicide attempts was a month later, the second a month after that and the third the day after new years. I tried to reach him after hearing about the first attempt but he never contacted me. The letters that he left for me said he didn’t want to live on this earth without me. His mother finally admitted to their existence when I called her after reading his obituary on the internet six months after his death. She didn’t keep but one of them, and the one she kept she sent and it was very painful. I have never been the same. Never been able to have a successful relationship. It’s been 7 years and both people I dated after were openly threatened that I still had feelings for the man that left this earth. I am forever changed. I have considered suicide many times but could never leave my child. Life can be so cruel.

    • Ben  April 5, 2019 at 11:22 pm Reply

      Katie, I read your comment and I can imagine how you feel. My girlfriend was beautiful, charismatic and beautiful. She had been with me for 12 years, but killed herself, mostly because of my rejection. She had had many emotional problems and tried to kill herself several times. I prevented them, but finally started to distance myself from her. When she hanged herself in our apartment on January 29th, 2010 and I found her body, it was like being blown apart. I felt so guilty that I wanted to kill myself immediately, but I didn’t want to inflict on my elderly parents the agony that I felt. Nevertheless, I still feel dead. I was a paratrooper when I was younger and I am not a weak man, but I want to weep most of the time, though I never do, and I always feel as if I am just pretending to live. Katie, I don’t know what the answer is to our problem. It has been nine years since my girlfriend died, and I do sometimes enjoy things, though my outlook on life is still one of deep sadness and hopelessness. I guess time has helped a little. I know that the standard reassurances snd two psychiatrists didn’t help me at all. Katie, just hang on for your child and things will get a little better as you watch your child grow up. That is a good reason to keep on going.

  158. Maureen Vanhook  March 18, 2019 at 10:14 pm Reply

    I have read all of your stories ….. And, I have cried my eyes out, literally … I still don’t understand. My beautiful 25 year old son with two small children, took his life, 4 days before his daughters 5th birthday. He loved both of his children dearly. I have a ton of pictures of him playing with the kids … you can SEE the love. Yet, he took his life, just when I thought he was happy and doing well. I am devastated that I didn’t see this coming. I stopped it so many times before. He was determined. And his wife ended up pregnant 3 mos after he died (not his child). Should I read something into that? … I don’t have the energy. I miss him sooo much. And, I am not allowed to see his children, which is even more painful. Little Jack is a clone of his daddy. I’m a strong person, but this is a lot to deal with. I struggle with the question, was this due to his bi-polar issues, or was this due to his current circumstances that he didn’t know how to handle? Do I need to join a group? I’m good most of the time, but sometimes, it still hurts incredibly : /

  159. Maureen Vanhook  March 18, 2019 at 10:14 pm Reply

    I have read all of your stories ….. And, I have cried my eyes out, literally … I still don’t understand. My beautiful 25 year old son with two small children, took his life, 4 days before his daughters 5th birthday. He loved both of his children dearly. I have a ton of pictures of him playing with the kids … you can SEE the love. Yet, he took his life, just when I thought he was happy and doing well. I am devastated that I didn’t see this coming. I stopped it so many times before. He was determined. And his wife ended up pregnant 3 mos after he died (not his child). Should I read something into that? … I don’t have the energy. I miss him sooo much. And, I am not allowed to see his children, which is even more painful. Little Jack is a clone of his daddy. I’m a strong person, but this is a lot to deal with. I struggle with the question, was this due to his bi-polar issues, or was this due to his current circumstances that he didn’t know how to handle? Do I need to join a group? I’m good most of the time, but sometimes, it still hurts incredibly : /

  160. Maureen Vanhook  March 18, 2019 at 10:14 pm Reply

    I have read all of your stories ….. And, I have cried my eyes out, literally … I still don’t understand. My beautiful 25 year old son with two small children, took his life, 4 days before his daughters 5th birthday. He loved both of his children dearly. I have a ton of pictures of him playing with the kids … you can SEE the love. Yet, he took his life, just when I thought he was happy and doing well. I am devastated that I didn’t see this coming. I stopped it so many times before. He was determined. And his wife ended up pregnant 3 mos after he died (not his child). Should I read something into that? … I don’t have the energy. I miss him sooo much. And, I am not allowed to see his children, which is even more painful. Little Jack is a clone of his daddy. I’m a strong person, but this is a lot to deal with. I struggle with the question, was this due to his bi-polar issues, or was this due to his current circumstances that he didn’t know how to handle? Do I need to join a group? I’m good most of the time, but sometimes, it still hurts incredibly : /

  161. Tessa winger  March 14, 2019 at 3:45 am Reply

    My little sister shot herself in the head a week ago. She was intoxicated and from what I hear she plated with her gun. I hear she did it alot. She told my mom she never loads it. She was 25 and a single mom with a 1 year old daughter. She was in a abusive relationship. She left the guy and as it turns out he was there that night. His story keeps changing. Its a open investigation. I know my sister would not intentionally shoot herself. I strongly believe someone put the bullet in the gun. I did not even know she had a gun. I am in such disbelief. All I can do is cry. My chest hurts and my stomach is in knots.

  162. Tessa winger  March 14, 2019 at 3:45 am Reply

    My little sister shot herself in the head a week ago. She was intoxicated and from what I hear she plated with her gun. I hear she did it alot. She told my mom she never loads it. She was 25 and a single mom with a 1 year old daughter. She was in a abusive relationship. She left the guy and as it turns out he was there that night. His story keeps changing. Its a open investigation. I know my sister would not intentionally shoot herself. I strongly believe someone put the bullet in the gun. I did not even know she had a gun. I am in such disbelief. All I can do is cry. My chest hurts and my stomach is in knots.

  163. Tessa winger  March 14, 2019 at 3:45 am Reply

    My little sister shot herself in the head a week ago. She was intoxicated and from what I hear she plated with her gun. I hear she did it alot. She told my mom she never loads it. She was 25 and a single mom with a 1 year old daughter. She was in a abusive relationship. She left the guy and as it turns out he was there that night. His story keeps changing. Its a open investigation. I know my sister would not intentionally shoot herself. I strongly believe someone put the bullet in the gun. I did not even know she had a gun. I am in such disbelief. All I can do is cry. My chest hurts and my stomach is in knots.

    • Jean  March 15, 2019 at 8:15 pm Reply

      My heart breaks for you Tessa. My grandaughter’s boyfriend shot himself while she was in the bathroom, horrible, that was a year ago, she is doing okay now but it has been a long haul. My brother hung himself on Jan 7, 2109, my heart if so filled with grief it is comsuming. Your grief is your own and I find myself always looking up life after death and studying the hereafter. It seems to calm me. Be strong and find your very own way to grieve. I send prayers to you!!!!!!!

      • Tessa winger  March 17, 2019 at 12:47 am

        Thank you! My heart hurts. I will not stop until I fine the truth in what happened. I am interested in the after life. I am going to also contact a spiritual church and see if I can get some closure. This is consuming me. I am a mess right now. I cannot stop shaking. Does this feeling ever go away. My sister was my best friend.

  164. Janet Gomez  March 7, 2019 at 1:10 pm Reply

    My boyfriend died by suicide on 12/13/18 we was together for 2 and half years I broke up with him and he went to get a gun and pulled the tiger I heard him but I didn’t pay attenuation I thought he wanted my attention because he has done this before. I was getting my gym shoes. I heard him go back to the cabinets. Then i heard him put the bullets in the gun and shot himself so quick before could f stop him. I could of stop him I hate myself everyday for not believe him for not stopping him earlier before he even put a bullet. I heard BOOM and heard him fall I still didn’t think he did it until i got up and look in front of our bed and i seen him laying down bleeding. I yelled his name I covered his wound to help him stop bleeding. I loved that man and I still do. I never thought this was gonna happen. It hurts living with this pain everyday. I could of done more I could of believed him. I feel like I’m living a bad dream everyday.

  165. Janet Gomez  March 7, 2019 at 1:10 pm Reply

    My boyfriend died by suicide on 12/13/18 we was together for 2 and half years I broke up with him and he went to get a gun and pulled the tiger I heard him but I didn’t pay attenuation I thought he wanted my attention because he has done this before. I was getting my gym shoes. I heard him go back to the cabinets. Then i heard him put the bullets in the gun and shot himself so quick before could f stop him. I could of stop him I hate myself everyday for not believe him for not stopping him earlier before he even put a bullet. I heard BOOM and heard him fall I still didn’t think he did it until i got up and look in front of our bed and i seen him laying down bleeding. I yelled his name I covered his wound to help him stop bleeding. I loved that man and I still do. I never thought this was gonna happen. It hurts living with this pain everyday. I could of done more I could of believed him. I feel like I’m living a bad dream everyday.

  166. Janet Gomez  March 7, 2019 at 1:10 pm Reply

    My boyfriend died by suicide on 12/13/18 we was together for 2 and half years I broke up with him and he went to get a gun and pulled the tiger I heard him but I didn’t pay attenuation I thought he wanted my attention because he has done this before. I was getting my gym shoes. I heard him go back to the cabinets. Then i heard him put the bullets in the gun and shot himself so quick before could f stop him. I could of stop him I hate myself everyday for not believe him for not stopping him earlier before he even put a bullet. I heard BOOM and heard him fall I still didn’t think he did it until i got up and look in front of our bed and i seen him laying down bleeding. I yelled his name I covered his wound to help him stop bleeding. I loved that man and I still do. I never thought this was gonna happen. It hurts living with this pain everyday. I could of done more I could of believed him. I feel like I’m living a bad dream everyday.

  167. Michelle  February 28, 2019 at 10:26 am Reply

    I want to end my life daily. i have had a life of sadness, subdugation, 2 suicides -1 step daughter 22 11months and my son 35yrs. i had 3 family members die unneccessarily tragically due to incorrect intervention and the lack of appropriate intervention. I am not angry I am just broken hearted and depleted of internal flame or energy. i have looked at ways to end my life via a suicide machine, suffocation via carotid artery, overdose of prescription and non presciption drugs plus many other preparations. The reason I havent taken my life is because of three close people whom i respect and dont wish to hurt. Sometimes the pain is nearly to overwhelming to bear and the choice of being with my loved ones is ever increasing and the excuses to stay are dwindling. I would like to have my closest people to understand my leaving. I havent improved in six years since my sons death and dont forsee improvement to my quality or quantity of life. I have nil to give this world and want nothing from this world.
    I understand why my son and step daughter took their lives they are labelled as mentally ill but they were driven to suicide by other influences such as bullying. Not having the appropriate intervention or tools to overcome the negativity from bullying is what drove them to taking their own lives. Humans are cruel apathetic, it is easier to disassociate from a person who is not doing well emotionally. Comes down to being told you have to see someone and get a prescription to fix your chemical inbalance of the brain. Why ask if you are OK when in truth people dont care and are cautious to stay unaffected.
    Why do I have to stay here in life, saddened, suffering emotional pain when I could follow my son and experience happiness more than I have ever been on this earth. I hate suicide for others but I believe that I have a right to decide my own fate. I wont cost the public any money as I have paid my funeral and have life insurance covering any costs attributed to my death, no funeral no hoorahs no coffin just cremation, and a special trip to the murray and my sons grave spreading my ashes.

  168. Michelle  February 28, 2019 at 10:26 am Reply

    I want to end my life daily. i have had a life of sadness, subdugation, 2 suicides -1 step daughter 22 11months and my son 35yrs. i had 3 family members die unneccessarily tragically due to incorrect intervention and the lack of appropriate intervention. I am not angry I am just broken hearted and depleted of internal flame or energy. i have looked at ways to end my life via a suicide machine, suffocation via carotid artery, overdose of prescription and non presciption drugs plus many other preparations. The reason I havent taken my life is because of three close people whom i respect and dont wish to hurt. Sometimes the pain is nearly to overwhelming to bear and the choice of being with my loved ones is ever increasing and the excuses to stay are dwindling. I would like to have my closest people to understand my leaving. I havent improved in six years since my sons death and dont forsee improvement to my quality or quantity of life. I have nil to give this world and want nothing from this world.
    I understand why my son and step daughter took their lives they are labelled as mentally ill but they were driven to suicide by other influences such as bullying. Not having the appropriate intervention or tools to overcome the negativity from bullying is what drove them to taking their own lives. Humans are cruel apathetic, it is easier to disassociate from a person who is not doing well emotionally. Comes down to being told you have to see someone and get a prescription to fix your chemical inbalance of the brain. Why ask if you are OK when in truth people dont care and are cautious to stay unaffected.
    Why do I have to stay here in life, saddened, suffering emotional pain when I could follow my son and experience happiness more than I have ever been on this earth. I hate suicide for others but I believe that I have a right to decide my own fate. I wont cost the public any money as I have paid my funeral and have life insurance covering any costs attributed to my death, no funeral no hoorahs no coffin just cremation, and a special trip to the murray and my sons grave spreading my ashes.

  169. Michelle  February 28, 2019 at 10:26 am Reply

    I want to end my life daily. i have had a life of sadness, subdugation, 2 suicides -1 step daughter 22 11months and my son 35yrs. i had 3 family members die unneccessarily tragically due to incorrect intervention and the lack of appropriate intervention. I am not angry I am just broken hearted and depleted of internal flame or energy. i have looked at ways to end my life via a suicide machine, suffocation via carotid artery, overdose of prescription and non presciption drugs plus many other preparations. The reason I havent taken my life is because of three close people whom i respect and dont wish to hurt. Sometimes the pain is nearly to overwhelming to bear and the choice of being with my loved ones is ever increasing and the excuses to stay are dwindling. I would like to have my closest people to understand my leaving. I havent improved in six years since my sons death and dont forsee improvement to my quality or quantity of life. I have nil to give this world and want nothing from this world.
    I understand why my son and step daughter took their lives they are labelled as mentally ill but they were driven to suicide by other influences such as bullying. Not having the appropriate intervention or tools to overcome the negativity from bullying is what drove them to taking their own lives. Humans are cruel apathetic, it is easier to disassociate from a person who is not doing well emotionally. Comes down to being told you have to see someone and get a prescription to fix your chemical inbalance of the brain. Why ask if you are OK when in truth people dont care and are cautious to stay unaffected.
    Why do I have to stay here in life, saddened, suffering emotional pain when I could follow my son and experience happiness more than I have ever been on this earth. I hate suicide for others but I believe that I have a right to decide my own fate. I wont cost the public any money as I have paid my funeral and have life insurance covering any costs attributed to my death, no funeral no hoorahs no coffin just cremation, and a special trip to the murray and my sons grave spreading my ashes.

    • Jean Manifold  March 15, 2019 at 8:24 pm Reply

      I feel your pain Michelle. I have thought of suicide for about 5 years now. My husband is ill with MS and I have been looking after him for 18 years. No love, no intimacy, sometimes I hate this world. 1 year ago my grandaughter’s boyfriend shot himself while she was in the bathroom, we went through hell with her. On Jan 7th my baby brother hung himself. I have wanted to die so many times I planned to get fentynol to help me. I have 8 grandkids who love me and my 3 kids and I can’t imagine hurting them and them feeling like I feel. Every day is saddening and the pain if overwhelming. I research life after death every night and it some how soothes me. I sleep with his sweater every night and I talk to him even though he is not here. Would you or do you believe in life after death?? Remember god only takes the best!!! Huggzz to you Michelle. Feel free to e-mail me.

    • Gleena  April 9, 2019 at 12:24 pm Reply

      Your life is precious. You are precious. Your pain is real and I am sorry you feel it. I was too wrapped up in myself to show my concern and love for my sister and now its too late. Michelle, you are right that life is cruel, but remember that your life is a gift, and even though you are in pain, there are people who understand. I hope you feel the love that I am sending you.

    • June Hutson  November 12, 2019 at 4:21 pm Reply

      Michelle, I lost my beloved daughter in July 7th 2019. We had lost my husband of 59 years her Daddy a little over a year ago.
      I had taken care of my little girl for 35 years with his help. She was 37. When we lost him to a sudden heart attack right in front of both of us we fell apart. I let her down,I failed her,now I am alone and looking for a way to go. I am 75 and don’t want to be here. All the ways I found could fail,leave me in a coma etc. I don’t know what to do. I bought books about it none really help. I have never had or believed in guns,my baby died by hanging. I don’t know how to do that plus I am weak and hands arthritic.
      It sounds like you do have people in your life,I hope you decide to live for them. I hope I find a way or find the will to wait for Gods will.

  170. albert blaney  February 21, 2019 at 12:19 pm Reply

    my dad has cancer and i am only 16 turning 17 next month and my sisters and mom tell me i dont care about my dad haveing caner and i have been through

  171. albert blaney  February 21, 2019 at 12:19 pm Reply

    my dad has cancer and i am only 16 turning 17 next month and my sisters and mom tell me i dont care about my dad haveing caner and i have been through

  172. albert blaney  February 21, 2019 at 12:19 pm Reply

    my dad has cancer and i am only 16 turning 17 next month and my sisters and mom tell me i dont care about my dad haveing caner and i have been through

    • Rita Jenness  April 9, 2019 at 12:30 pm Reply

      Your sisters and mom are coping in their own way. Seventeen was a challenging year for me, you go through so many changes, but as you grow up, you realize that people act in certain ways for reasons that are totally unrelated to you, because of their own insecurities. My older sister was sometimes mean to me, and I was mean to her. But we both had different reasons for being that way to each other. I wish you a future filled with happiness that you make for yourself, and that you share with those you love. You have great power.

    • Morgan  May 18, 2019 at 5:36 am Reply

      I was around your age when I had a friend kill herself. We had been on rocky terms for quiet sometime, but I went to offer her mother my condolences after I had heard the news. I got to the house and her mother invited me in for tea. We sat in strained silence for what felt like an age and a half. Eventually she put her teacup back on its saucer and, staring at the untouched liquid in it, said, “This is your fault. If you had been there when she needed you, she wouldn’t have turned to this.”

      The reason I wanted to share this with you, Albert, is because, while what Rita said does hold weight, I recognize that perhaps it doesn’t really convey the comfort you need – it wouldn’t have for me, anyway. There are only so many allowances you can afford someone in their grief. At some point it stops being about them. You are in pain too. That pain is your own and it’s just as valid as your family’s. Maybe your relationship with your dad is strained, but that doesn’t mean your feelings toward him are lacking – relationships are always complicated, and it’s okay to be angry or spiteful toward him; it’s okay to still be upset that he is sick while still being angry and distant; it’s okay to not be all too bummed out about it, too. Just because he’s sick doesn’t mean that whatever your relationship was with him before he was diagnosed is automatically reset into something wonderful. People don’t work like that.

      Last year, as a senior in high-school, someone I looked at as a little sister wasn’t able to beat out her cancer. She died in the middle of my finals week. I wasn’t able to attend her funeral, for a variety of reasons. It’s hard to watch a loved one go through that, but at the end of the day, all of it has its place in life. Maybe there won’t be a specific answer for why your dad got sick, or why your family is lashing out at you, but that doesn’t have to invalidate what you’re going through. It might be your dad that’s sick, and he could be the worst person on the planet in your eyes, but you are grieving, too. This grief, this pain, this confusion, all of it is going to have its place. Nobody other than yourself can tell you what exactly that place is, because what you’re experiencing belongs solely to you, despite the commonality of the situation you share with other people.

      It’s up to you to figure out what you want to do with your grief, how you want to handle it, where you want to settle it beside yourself and in your life, and what role you want to take in seeing this situation out, but, no matter what you decide, you can take comfort in knowing that you made those decisions for yourself. You are the most important person in your life – yes, you should think about others and do all that you can to help them, too, but you should always come first on the basest level. (it sounds absurd to say, but when my grief was fresh, I was taking a psychology course – Maslow’s hierarchy of needs was something that, even just glancing at, made me feel a little better because, in a round about way, it allowed me to understand that, while I can and should help other people, I also needed to help myself. I don’t know if that’s something you’d be interested in, but it’s there if you’d like to look at it.)

      Cheers, Albert. Hopefully your dad will overcome this. Hopefully you’ll manage to settle yourself the way you need, too.

  173. Dorinda B Trumbauer  February 16, 2019 at 4:36 pm Reply

    April 6, 2017 I returned home from work at 8pm to find my youngest son (20 year old) hanging on his bedroom door. He had recently returned home after living with girl friend and her family for 3 years. In a journal he had kept he wrote “she said it was 5 years of hell. What the fuck did I do!!” Then the next page was torn out. He wrote his suicide letter on it. She had called their relationship of. I took her with us on trips. They appeared to be happy. I tried to talk with him and kept being shoved away. He did not want to listen at all. His note said life hurt too much. I worry about my other son who seems to be ok because I do not want to loose him either. I talk about it to people and do not hide it. I have met so many people who know someone who died by suicide. I invite them to my place for one on one talking and so they can walk the paths in woods to feel relaxed and one with good. I tell myself and other I had to let it go to God that night.

  174. Dorinda B Trumbauer  February 16, 2019 at 4:36 pm Reply

    April 6, 2017 I returned home from work at 8pm to find my youngest son (20 year old) hanging on his bedroom door. He had recently returned home after living with girl friend and her family for 3 years. In a journal he had kept he wrote “she said it was 5 years of hell. What the fuck did I do!!” Then the next page was torn out. He wrote his suicide letter on it. She had called their relationship of. I took her with us on trips. They appeared to be happy. I tried to talk with him and kept being shoved away. He did not want to listen at all. His note said life hurt too much. I worry about my other son who seems to be ok because I do not want to loose him either. I talk about it to people and do not hide it. I have met so many people who know someone who died by suicide. I invite them to my place for one on one talking and so they can walk the paths in woods to feel relaxed and one with good. I tell myself and other I had to let it go to God that night.

  175. Dorinda B Trumbauer  February 16, 2019 at 4:36 pm Reply

    April 6, 2017 I returned home from work at 8pm to find my youngest son (20 year old) hanging on his bedroom door. He had recently returned home after living with girl friend and her family for 3 years. In a journal he had kept he wrote “she said it was 5 years of hell. What the fuck did I do!!” Then the next page was torn out. He wrote his suicide letter on it. She had called their relationship of. I took her with us on trips. They appeared to be happy. I tried to talk with him and kept being shoved away. He did not want to listen at all. His note said life hurt too much. I worry about my other son who seems to be ok because I do not want to loose him either. I talk about it to people and do not hide it. I have met so many people who know someone who died by suicide. I invite them to my place for one on one talking and so they can walk the paths in woods to feel relaxed and one with good. I tell myself and other I had to let it go to God that night.

  176. Kim Patterson  February 14, 2019 at 12:12 pm Reply

    My son died from depression related to bi-polar disorder on 9-4-2017. It’s hard for me to say he died by suicide, because it was depression that took his life. This happened on Labor Day at my father’s house in the country. My husband and I took my son who was 27 out there for the day. Several of my nieces and nephews were there with their families and they were all down at the lake. My son took one of my father’s guns – which had always been in the house. There were also bullets next to the guns. This is something I never ever thought of. He walked down to a hay bale and sat up against it and killed himself; shooting himself in the back of the head. When we went to look for him later that evening, I just saw him sitting there. My husband is the one who went up to him as he thought he was perhaps sleeping, he looked that peaceful. I will never, ever forget that day, and how I never saw my son other than when we first got there, but also that I never had any indication or nudging that I should be worried about him or go looking for him. However, after the event, I started to piece together many things, including possible suicide attempts that I couldn’t see for what they were. I had become used to his deep depression, and he hid it well. Sometimes he was better, but when I look back, it’s so obvious how bad he was. Yet, we couldn’t see it. I just can’t stop thinking that I took my son to the place where he took his life, and I helped him do it. There was a gun and bullets just waiting for him. It’s awful.

  177. Kim Patterson  February 14, 2019 at 12:12 pm Reply

    My son died from depression related to bi-polar disorder on 9-4-2017. It’s hard for me to say he died by suicide, because it was depression that took his life. This happened on Labor Day at my father’s house in the country. My husband and I took my son who was 27 out there for the day. Several of my nieces and nephews were there with their families and they were all down at the lake. My son took one of my father’s guns – which had always been in the house. There were also bullets next to the guns. This is something I never ever thought of. He walked down to a hay bale and sat up against it and killed himself; shooting himself in the back of the head. When we went to look for him later that evening, I just saw him sitting there. My husband is the one who went up to him as he thought he was perhaps sleeping, he looked that peaceful. I will never, ever forget that day, and how I never saw my son other than when we first got there, but also that I never had any indication or nudging that I should be worried about him or go looking for him. However, after the event, I started to piece together many things, including possible suicide attempts that I couldn’t see for what they were. I had become used to his deep depression, and he hid it well. Sometimes he was better, but when I look back, it’s so obvious how bad he was. Yet, we couldn’t see it. I just can’t stop thinking that I took my son to the place where he took his life, and I helped him do it. There was a gun and bullets just waiting for him. It’s awful.

  178. Kim Patterson  February 14, 2019 at 12:12 pm Reply

    My son died from depression related to bi-polar disorder on 9-4-2017. It’s hard for me to say he died by suicide, because it was depression that took his life. This happened on Labor Day at my father’s house in the country. My husband and I took my son who was 27 out there for the day. Several of my nieces and nephews were there with their families and they were all down at the lake. My son took one of my father’s guns – which had always been in the house. There were also bullets next to the guns. This is something I never ever thought of. He walked down to a hay bale and sat up against it and killed himself; shooting himself in the back of the head. When we went to look for him later that evening, I just saw him sitting there. My husband is the one who went up to him as he thought he was perhaps sleeping, he looked that peaceful. I will never, ever forget that day, and how I never saw my son other than when we first got there, but also that I never had any indication or nudging that I should be worried about him or go looking for him. However, after the event, I started to piece together many things, including possible suicide attempts that I couldn’t see for what they were. I had become used to his deep depression, and he hid it well. Sometimes he was better, but when I look back, it’s so obvious how bad he was. Yet, we couldn’t see it. I just can’t stop thinking that I took my son to the place where he took his life, and I helped him do it. There was a gun and bullets just waiting for him. It’s awful.

    • Rita  April 9, 2019 at 12:38 pm Reply

      My heart is heavy for you. I lost my big sister. We were naive also, but we are trying to remember good memories of her, and hard lessons that she has taught us. Sending you love.

    • Gail Julmi  April 13, 2019 at 3:34 am Reply

      Kim, you are not to blame for your son’s death, for which I am deeply sorry, otherwise I am to blame for my son’s death because of depression. We did not know how depressed our son was, or of his fears, which we are piecing together only now. Our son hung himself in August of 2015. We can only guess at how much emotional pain he was in because he hid it so well. I have three beautiful granddaughters who will be teens in a few years and am crippled by thoughts that perhaps one of them will develop depression as mental illness is so prevalent in my family. My heart goes out to you but you have so much to offer the living so please don’t give up, dear friend.

  179. Elton  February 12, 2019 at 4:58 am Reply

    I’m sorry for my bad wrote and poor english..!!!
    I just had the worst story and tragedy in my life… I live in Toronto for 7 years, got married 5 years ago with my dream girl and have 2 beautiful girls… our life was an example to every one with just working as workers and a very little income but more enough to cover our expenses.. The honour and the fact that we was real and clear souls, without being jealous for the others success in their life’s we just enjoying every moment whit what we have, making our friend’s feeling jealous for us…
    (I’m saying this because they thought (our friends) that they have better life from us because of our economic situation)
    After long time our hard work and honest personality make the success that we could’t believe…
    I want to explain to you my friends what really happens to my life because i would like to have a clear and help full answer…
    After all this years and seeing my life and economic situation being better every year and only because my hard work and honest personality that many people don’t really like it because i could help them if i was not so honest at my work or so honest at my bosses.. anyway …!!!!
    After all i decide to invite my sister that she live’s in Santorini, Greece to visit me in Toronto.. i was wandering to ask them to stay and live with me in Toronto and live the island (Santorini) for ever… Their life’s at the island was dedicated to nothing else other than work… summer time they never had the time to check the sea how it was or drink a coffee like family or having any diner all together because of the pressure for the work (no choice)..!! At winter time was something else totally deferent from the summer.. totally empty totally alone totally no life, only couple hundreds… In few words if you live and work in those islands you have no life if you are just a worker like my sister her husband and their son….
    I told them my situation just after couple years that with the hard work and being honest you can have better life than what they have in Santorini after 14 years making the same money and no one appreciate their hard work..
    They make the decision to visit me at winter time because of their work, and see me and my family how we doing how was our life’s our married life with 2 kids being grow our kids almost alone with no help in this big city, Toronto..!!!
    At last they came and was surprised about how we have this wonderful life..
    I had my own construction company and 4 people working for me
    i bought a house just 4 months before they come to visit me, also i decide to buy a new car to my wife because was time to change her old car and buy a mercedes benz (finance of course) i put some down payment and got the car in couples days,
    she (my sister) was really happy for me and all this beautiful things that happens to me and my family…
    like i said we had a normal life with a normal job working only 8 hours per day and enjoying the Saturday and Sunday all together..
    For them our normal life was something like a dream…
    please my friends answer to me this question … my brother in law suicide by jumping from 19 floor building he went to the roof and jump, and o course die…. texting me a message that asking from me to take care of his wife and his son (my sister and my nephew) he had a really bad conversation with his wife (my sister) she said that she will divorce him and this was the last time him to be better person to them (to my sister and my nephew) is this the real factor that make him to jump and decide to finish his life at the age of 46 years old…??
    what i’m trying to find out is, what is the real factor to make some one jump from 19th floor ???
    please help me out with some answers that i can make my self to believe on it…?
    After he jump and finish his life my sister talk to me about him and make me believe something else…
    She told me that he was never close her and is son he was thinking only about the money and working from earlier in the morning till midnight… they never went for vacation they never went out for dinner or lunch or spending a weekend together…
    he was never there for no one of them, he was all way’s at work, and if he had a day of he was nervous and didn’t like to go out or take his son at the school…
    he also went with others women’s and she all way’s forgive him, but at last he never bit her or his son he never smoke or drunk or having weed’s or narcotics.. never never never he was very smart guy speaking over 5 languages in clouding Chinese that he learn only with the Chinese tourist….!!! it was very smart guy to do something so stupid just because my sister she will live him forever,
    for him she was peace of mind his son was never on his side and he knows all that and never give a shit…
    after 2 months living with us he understand who really we are ,( me and my wife) and felt the smell of family and the real love between me and my sister.. that’s way he decide to do this here in Toronto in my home in my house at the end he find the best place in the world and so safe to live them here where they should be to their family (wife’s family)
    he die February 07 2019 and asked me to take care his wife and son…
    his brother is the biggest police officer at narcotics very strong man very strong position, but he decide to live them to me…
    i believe this was the real reason to make him do this terrible act.. and not the fact that my sister asked from him to live her forever… the truth is that they meet each other at very young age and get in love with passion and braking all the rules…
    please help me find an answer …!!! I can not believe that some body can make you jump from the rooftop of the 19th floor building…. please you also can answer to my e-mail i would like to hear an answer to make my sister feel what he really has in mind when he did this act… please
    elton_noti@hotmail.com
    please help us i have 2 little girls to explain them why alex their cousin don’t a father and where did he go and how….!!!
    thank you very much for reading my pain that i have on my shoulders…..
    thanks again

  180. Elton  February 12, 2019 at 4:58 am Reply

    I’m sorry for my bad wrote and poor english..!!!
    I just had the worst story and tragedy in my life… I live in Toronto for 7 years, got married 5 years ago with my dream girl and have 2 beautiful girls… our life was an example to every one with just working as workers and a very little income but more enough to cover our expenses.. The honour and the fact that we was real and clear souls, without being jealous for the others success in their life’s we just enjoying every moment whit what we have, making our friend’s feeling jealous for us…
    (I’m saying this because they thought (our friends) that they have better life from us because of our economic situation)
    After long time our hard work and honest personality make the success that we could’t believe…
    I want to explain to you my friends what really happens to my life because i would like to have a clear and help full answer…
    After all this years and seeing my life and economic situation being better every year and only because my hard work and honest personality that many people don’t really like it because i could help them if i was not so honest at my work or so honest at my bosses.. anyway …!!!!
    After all i decide to invite my sister that she live’s in Santorini, Greece to visit me in Toronto.. i was wandering to ask them to stay and live with me in Toronto and live the island (Santorini) for ever… Their life’s at the island was dedicated to nothing else other than work… summer time they never had the time to check the sea how it was or drink a coffee like family or having any diner all together because of the pressure for the work (no choice)..!! At winter time was something else totally deferent from the summer.. totally empty totally alone totally no life, only couple hundreds… In few words if you live and work in those islands you have no life if you are just a worker like my sister her husband and their son….
    I told them my situation just after couple years that with the hard work and being honest you can have better life than what they have in Santorini after 14 years making the same money and no one appreciate their hard work..
    They make the decision to visit me at winter time because of their work, and see me and my family how we doing how was our life’s our married life with 2 kids being grow our kids almost alone with no help in this big city, Toronto..!!!
    At last they came and was surprised about how we have this wonderful life..
    I had my own construction company and 4 people working for me
    i bought a house just 4 months before they come to visit me, also i decide to buy a new car to my wife because was time to change her old car and buy a mercedes benz (finance of course) i put some down payment and got the car in couples days,
    she (my sister) was really happy for me and all this beautiful things that happens to me and my family…
    like i said we had a normal life with a normal job working only 8 hours per day and enjoying the Saturday and Sunday all together..
    For them our normal life was something like a dream…
    please my friends answer to me this question … my brother in law suicide by jumping from 19 floor building he went to the roof and jump, and o course die…. texting me a message that asking from me to take care of his wife and his son (my sister and my nephew) he had a really bad conversation with his wife (my sister) she said that she will divorce him and this was the last time him to be better person to them (to my sister and my nephew) is this the real factor that make him to jump and decide to finish his life at the age of 46 years old…??
    what i’m trying to find out is, what is the real factor to make some one jump from 19th floor ???
    please help me out with some answers that i can make my self to believe on it…?
    After he jump and finish his life my sister talk to me about him and make me believe something else…
    She told me that he was never close her and is son he was thinking only about the money and working from earlier in the morning till midnight… they never went for vacation they never went out for dinner or lunch or spending a weekend together…
    he was never there for no one of them, he was all way’s at work, and if he had a day of he was nervous and didn’t like to go out or take his son at the school…
    he also went with others women’s and she all way’s forgive him, but at last he never bit her or his son he never smoke or drunk or having weed’s or narcotics.. never never never he was very smart guy speaking over 5 languages in clouding Chinese that he learn only with the Chinese tourist….!!! it was very smart guy to do something so stupid just because my sister she will live him forever,
    for him she was peace of mind his son was never on his side and he knows all that and never give a shit…
    after 2 months living with us he understand who really we are ,( me and my wife) and felt the smell of family and the real love between me and my sister.. that’s way he decide to do this here in Toronto in my home in my house at the end he find the best place in the world and so safe to live them here where they should be to their family (wife’s family)
    he die February 07 2019 and asked me to take care his wife and son…
    his brother is the biggest police officer at narcotics very strong man very strong position, but he decide to live them to me…
    i believe this was the real reason to make him do this terrible act.. and not the fact that my sister asked from him to live her forever… the truth is that they meet each other at very young age and get in love with passion and braking all the rules…
    please help me find an answer …!!! I can not believe that some body can make you jump from the rooftop of the 19th floor building…. please you also can answer to my e-mail i would like to hear an answer to make my sister feel what he really has in mind when he did this act… please
    elton_noti@hotmail.com
    please help us i have 2 little girls to explain them why alex their cousin don’t a father and where did he go and how….!!!
    thank you very much for reading my pain that i have on my shoulders…..
    thanks again

  181. Elton  February 12, 2019 at 4:58 am Reply

    I’m sorry for my bad wrote and poor english..!!!
    I just had the worst story and tragedy in my life… I live in Toronto for 7 years, got married 5 years ago with my dream girl and have 2 beautiful girls… our life was an example to every one with just working as workers and a very little income but more enough to cover our expenses.. The honour and the fact that we was real and clear souls, without being jealous for the others success in their life’s we just enjoying every moment whit what we have, making our friend’s feeling jealous for us…
    (I’m saying this because they thought (our friends) that they have better life from us because of our economic situation)
    After long time our hard work and honest personality make the success that we could’t believe…
    I want to explain to you my friends what really happens to my life because i would like to have a clear and help full answer…
    After all this years and seeing my life and economic situation being better every year and only because my hard work and honest personality that many people don’t really like it because i could help them if i was not so honest at my work or so honest at my bosses.. anyway …!!!!
    After all i decide to invite my sister that she live’s in Santorini, Greece to visit me in Toronto.. i was wandering to ask them to stay and live with me in Toronto and live the island (Santorini) for ever… Their life’s at the island was dedicated to nothing else other than work… summer time they never had the time to check the sea how it was or drink a coffee like family or having any diner all together because of the pressure for the work (no choice)..!! At winter time was something else totally deferent from the summer.. totally empty totally alone totally no life, only couple hundreds… In few words if you live and work in those islands you have no life if you are just a worker like my sister her husband and their son….
    I told them my situation just after couple years that with the hard work and being honest you can have better life than what they have in Santorini after 14 years making the same money and no one appreciate their hard work..
    They make the decision to visit me at winter time because of their work, and see me and my family how we doing how was our life’s our married life with 2 kids being grow our kids almost alone with no help in this big city, Toronto..!!!
    At last they came and was surprised about how we have this wonderful life..
    I had my own construction company and 4 people working for me
    i bought a house just 4 months before they come to visit me, also i decide to buy a new car to my wife because was time to change her old car and buy a mercedes benz (finance of course) i put some down payment and got the car in couples days,
    she (my sister) was really happy for me and all this beautiful things that happens to me and my family…
    like i said we had a normal life with a normal job working only 8 hours per day and enjoying the Saturday and Sunday all together..
    For them our normal life was something like a dream…
    please my friends answer to me this question … my brother in law suicide by jumping from 19 floor building he went to the roof and jump, and o course die…. texting me a message that asking from me to take care of his wife and his son (my sister and my nephew) he had a really bad conversation with his wife (my sister) she said that she will divorce him and this was the last time him to be better person to them (to my sister and my nephew) is this the real factor that make him to jump and decide to finish his life at the age of 46 years old…??
    what i’m trying to find out is, what is the real factor to make some one jump from 19th floor ???
    please help me out with some answers that i can make my self to believe on it…?
    After he jump and finish his life my sister talk to me about him and make me believe something else…
    She told me that he was never close her and is son he was thinking only about the money and working from earlier in the morning till midnight… they never went for vacation they never went out for dinner or lunch or spending a weekend together…
    he was never there for no one of them, he was all way’s at work, and if he had a day of he was nervous and didn’t like to go out or take his son at the school…
    he also went with others women’s and she all way’s forgive him, but at last he never bit her or his son he never smoke or drunk or having weed’s or narcotics.. never never never he was very smart guy speaking over 5 languages in clouding Chinese that he learn only with the Chinese tourist….!!! it was very smart guy to do something so stupid just because my sister she will live him forever,
    for him she was peace of mind his son was never on his side and he knows all that and never give a shit…
    after 2 months living with us he understand who really we are ,( me and my wife) and felt the smell of family and the real love between me and my sister.. that’s way he decide to do this here in Toronto in my home in my house at the end he find the best place in the world and so safe to live them here where they should be to their family (wife’s family)
    he die February 07 2019 and asked me to take care his wife and son…
    his brother is the biggest police officer at narcotics very strong man very strong position, but he decide to live them to me…
    i believe this was the real reason to make him do this terrible act.. and not the fact that my sister asked from him to live her forever… the truth is that they meet each other at very young age and get in love with passion and braking all the rules…
    please help me find an answer …!!! I can not believe that some body can make you jump from the rooftop of the 19th floor building…. please you also can answer to my e-mail i would like to hear an answer to make my sister feel what he really has in mind when he did this act… please
    elton_noti@hotmail.com
    please help us i have 2 little girls to explain them why alex their cousin don’t a father and where did he go and how….!!!
    thank you very much for reading my pain that i have on my shoulders…..
    thanks again

    • Oswald julmi  April 13, 2019 at 3:55 am Reply

      Dear loved one: I have no answers for you; I wish I did. Your brother- in-law was deeply distressed and felt that his death was better than his life. Our son took his life three and a half years ago; there was no obvious sign that he was deeply disturbed. I rest my hope in God’s coming kingdom; the one that we pray for in the Lord’s prayer. This is not to say that we will not struggle with a suicide death and try to make sense of it. Don’t stop doing what you are doing; stay honest in your dealings with everyone and keep loving your family. The God of the Bible will help you thru this if you seek his guidance. Don’t give up on yourself, dear one.

  182. J  January 30, 2019 at 7:34 pm Reply

    It has been almost 2 years since my younger brother’s suicide. The fog has lifted. The pain isn’t as strong. I will never stop loving him. He has my heart until the end. I realize that he was just human, so I forgive him for whatever he was able to do or not do, during his life. I forgive his sins and omissions, and I forgive mine. I forgive myself for whatever I was able to do or not do during the time we had together. We both did our best for as long as we could, given the circumstances and the information at hand at that time. I know that he would want me to carry on with my own life. I think he would be proud that I will always remember his best qualities, attributes, and achievements. This is my job, as his big sister, and this is what I am going to do. Nobody can take that from me, ever. I will carry his memory in my heart and in my mind for as long as I will be able to, wherever I will go, for the rest of my days. I am hopeful that somewhere, wherever he may be, that he feels my love, in its truest form. The kind that never ends. I know he wishes me love, as well. Until we meet again, when it is my proper time, and not a day before, I wish him love.
    I wish all of you love, as well. You are not alone.

  183. J  January 30, 2019 at 7:34 pm Reply

    It has been almost 2 years since my younger brother’s suicide. The fog has lifted. The pain isn’t as strong. I will never stop loving him. He has my heart until the end. I realize that he was just human, so I forgive him for whatever he was able to do or not do, during his life. I forgive his sins and omissions, and I forgive mine. I forgive myself for whatever I was able to do or not do during the time we had together. We both did our best for as long as we could, given the circumstances and the information at hand at that time. I know that he would want me to carry on with my own life. I think he would be proud that I will always remember his best qualities, attributes, and achievements. This is my job, as his big sister, and this is what I am going to do. Nobody can take that from me, ever. I will carry his memory in my heart and in my mind for as long as I will be able to, wherever I will go, for the rest of my days. I am hopeful that somewhere, wherever he may be, that he feels my love, in its truest form. The kind that never ends. I know he wishes me love, as well. Until we meet again, when it is my proper time, and not a day before, I wish him love.
    I wish all of you love, as well. You are not alone.

  184. J  January 30, 2019 at 7:34 pm Reply

    It has been almost 2 years since my younger brother’s suicide. The fog has lifted. The pain isn’t as strong. I will never stop loving him. He has my heart until the end. I realize that he was just human, so I forgive him for whatever he was able to do or not do, during his life. I forgive his sins and omissions, and I forgive mine. I forgive myself for whatever I was able to do or not do during the time we had together. We both did our best for as long as we could, given the circumstances and the information at hand at that time. I know that he would want me to carry on with my own life. I think he would be proud that I will always remember his best qualities, attributes, and achievements. This is my job, as his big sister, and this is what I am going to do. Nobody can take that from me, ever. I will carry his memory in my heart and in my mind for as long as I will be able to, wherever I will go, for the rest of my days. I am hopeful that somewhere, wherever he may be, that he feels my love, in its truest form. The kind that never ends. I know he wishes me love, as well. Until we meet again, when it is my proper time, and not a day before, I wish him love.
    I wish all of you love, as well. You are not alone.

  185. Jackie davis  January 27, 2019 at 11:40 am Reply

    My mother died by suicide February 11,2016.. next month will be 3 years . It never gets easier and we will never know the “Why”? .. With Gods help and my little family and few friends .. I am Moving forward . My family .. siblings .. dad , stepmom have became further away .. we’re never really close before but this tragedy really made us further apart . You never forget the tragedy and how she left us and that whole day she and my sister faught and she and her husband had issues etc.. a lot of things we found out later that she hid from us and never told us . She was in such a dark place and kept it mostly to herself . I have to keep living and keep going because my story is far from over . I have A lot to keep me here .. God is my strength

  186. Jackie davis  January 27, 2019 at 11:40 am Reply

    My mother died by suicide February 11,2016.. next month will be 3 years . It never gets easier and we will never know the “Why”? .. With Gods help and my little family and few friends .. I am Moving forward . My family .. siblings .. dad , stepmom have became further away .. we’re never really close before but this tragedy really made us further apart . You never forget the tragedy and how she left us and that whole day she and my sister faught and she and her husband had issues etc.. a lot of things we found out later that she hid from us and never told us . She was in such a dark place and kept it mostly to herself . I have to keep living and keep going because my story is far from over . I have A lot to keep me here .. God is my strength

  187. Jackie davis  January 27, 2019 at 11:40 am Reply

    My mother died by suicide February 11,2016.. next month will be 3 years . It never gets easier and we will never know the “Why”? .. With Gods help and my little family and few friends .. I am Moving forward . My family .. siblings .. dad , stepmom have became further away .. we’re never really close before but this tragedy really made us further apart . You never forget the tragedy and how she left us and that whole day she and my sister faught and she and her husband had issues etc.. a lot of things we found out later that she hid from us and never told us . She was in such a dark place and kept it mostly to herself . I have to keep living and keep going because my story is far from over . I have A lot to keep me here .. God is my strength

  188. Justin  January 24, 2019 at 9:49 pm Reply

    My father killed himself on his birthday March 23, 2016. I was only 23 at the time and as I approach the 3 year anniversary of his death I find the pain harder and harder to deal with. At first it didn’t even seem real, but as time goes on the reality solidifies and haunts me daily. I called him on his birthday that day just to talk to him and tell him happy birthday. What I didn’t know at the time is on that phone call he was walking out to the woods by our house to hang himself. It took 4 days for us to finally find him in the tree. The last thing he ever told me was that he loved me and he missed me. I try to tell myself daily that I shouldn’t feel sorrow for my loss, but appreciate the fact I had a great father for 23 years of my life. The truth is I feel extremely guilty and at fault for inadvertently influencing my fathers demise. I read somewhere that children of parents who commit suicide are 50/50 in following in their footsteps. I fear that statistic will be true for me one day.

  189. Justin  January 24, 2019 at 9:49 pm Reply

    My father killed himself on his birthday March 23, 2016. I was only 23 at the time and as I approach the 3 year anniversary of his death I find the pain harder and harder to deal with. At first it didn’t even seem real, but as time goes on the reality solidifies and haunts me daily. I called him on his birthday that day just to talk to him and tell him happy birthday. What I didn’t know at the time is on that phone call he was walking out to the woods by our house to hang himself. It took 4 days for us to finally find him in the tree. The last thing he ever told me was that he loved me and he missed me. I try to tell myself daily that I shouldn’t feel sorrow for my loss, but appreciate the fact I had a great father for 23 years of my life. The truth is I feel extremely guilty and at fault for inadvertently influencing my fathers demise. I read somewhere that children of parents who commit suicide are 50/50 in following in their footsteps. I fear that statistic will be true for me one day.

  190. Justin  January 24, 2019 at 9:49 pm Reply

    My father killed himself on his birthday March 23, 2016. I was only 23 at the time and as I approach the 3 year anniversary of his death I find the pain harder and harder to deal with. At first it didn’t even seem real, but as time goes on the reality solidifies and haunts me daily. I called him on his birthday that day just to talk to him and tell him happy birthday. What I didn’t know at the time is on that phone call he was walking out to the woods by our house to hang himself. It took 4 days for us to finally find him in the tree. The last thing he ever told me was that he loved me and he missed me. I try to tell myself daily that I shouldn’t feel sorrow for my loss, but appreciate the fact I had a great father for 23 years of my life. The truth is I feel extremely guilty and at fault for inadvertently influencing my fathers demise. I read somewhere that children of parents who commit suicide are 50/50 in following in their footsteps. I fear that statistic will be true for me one day.

  191. Melinda  January 23, 2019 at 5:44 pm Reply

    I can’t believe so many love once’s are feeling the same pain as me ,my husband hanged him self on the 13/12/2018 it been a really bad year for as I was in hospital three times had a hysterectomy,my son had a burst appendix in hospital 8days he nearly died ,Andy my beautiful husband was attempting many times to take his life ,he was ill with addiction and suffered with mental health he had on going court cases for drink ,drug and driving ,I myself couldn’t cope so I can understand that Andy couldn’t cope with addiction and mental break down we both also lost two good friends to cancer ,I allways been strong for Andy but was tried and lost my strength if I was strong my husband would be here today I miss him so much and i am finding hard to believe he took his life and that I unable to see ,feel and touch him no more why does it hurt so much he had he problems but was the most kind loving person I knew .

  192. Melinda  January 23, 2019 at 5:44 pm Reply

    I can’t believe so many love once’s are feeling the same pain as me ,my husband hanged him self on the 13/12/2018 it been a really bad year for as I was in hospital three times had a hysterectomy,my son had a burst appendix in hospital 8days he nearly died ,Andy my beautiful husband was attempting many times to take his life ,he was ill with addiction and suffered with mental health he had on going court cases for drink ,drug and driving ,I myself couldn’t cope so I can understand that Andy couldn’t cope with addiction and mental break down we both also lost two good friends to cancer ,I allways been strong for Andy but was tried and lost my strength if I was strong my husband would be here today I miss him so much and i am finding hard to believe he took his life and that I unable to see ,feel and touch him no more why does it hurt so much he had he problems but was the most kind loving person I knew .

  193. Melinda  January 23, 2019 at 5:44 pm Reply

    I can’t believe so many love once’s are feeling the same pain as me ,my husband hanged him self on the 13/12/2018 it been a really bad year for as I was in hospital three times had a hysterectomy,my son had a burst appendix in hospital 8days he nearly died ,Andy my beautiful husband was attempting many times to take his life ,he was ill with addiction and suffered with mental health he had on going court cases for drink ,drug and driving ,I myself couldn’t cope so I can understand that Andy couldn’t cope with addiction and mental break down we both also lost two good friends to cancer ,I allways been strong for Andy but was tried and lost my strength if I was strong my husband would be here today I miss him so much and i am finding hard to believe he took his life and that I unable to see ,feel and touch him no more why does it hurt so much he had he problems but was the most kind loving person I knew .

  194. Richard Whitfield  January 19, 2019 at 12:08 am Reply

    My beloved 16 year old grandson took his life on Nov. 15, 2018. I’m still struggling to come to terms with it. Everywhere I look I see all the things around the house that he helped me with. His bicycle is in my shed. My daughter questions whether she is still a mother. I’ve bought picture frames and printed pictures of him. I’ll carry this weight for the rest of my days. He was such a good boy. I loved him more than life itself.

  195. Richard Whitfield  January 19, 2019 at 12:08 am Reply

    My beloved 16 year old grandson took his life on Nov. 15, 2018. I’m still struggling to come to terms with it. Everywhere I look I see all the things around the house that he helped me with. His bicycle is in my shed. My daughter questions whether she is still a mother. I’ve bought picture frames and printed pictures of him. I’ll carry this weight for the rest of my days. He was such a good boy. I loved him more than life itself.

  196. Richard Whitfield  January 19, 2019 at 12:08 am Reply

    My beloved 16 year old grandson took his life on Nov. 15, 2018. I’m still struggling to come to terms with it. Everywhere I look I see all the things around the house that he helped me with. His bicycle is in my shed. My daughter questions whether she is still a mother. I’ve bought picture frames and printed pictures of him. I’ll carry this weight for the rest of my days. He was such a good boy. I loved him more than life itself.

  197. Alfy  January 17, 2019 at 9:27 pm Reply

    My girlfriend of 11 years killed herself recently and i miss her so much,i just wish we hadn’t argued over petty stuff and it hurts knowing she died alone,if i could have just 10 minutes with her to tell her how much i love her even though i still talk to her as if she were here,everything feels surreal just now and from the moment i open my eyes to the time i finally fall asleep all i can think of is my girlfriend.

  198. Alfy  January 17, 2019 at 9:27 pm Reply

    My girlfriend of 11 years killed herself recently and i miss her so much,i just wish we hadn’t argued over petty stuff and it hurts knowing she died alone,if i could have just 10 minutes with her to tell her how much i love her even though i still talk to her as if she were here,everything feels surreal just now and from the moment i open my eyes to the time i finally fall asleep all i can think of is my girlfriend.

  199. Alfy  January 17, 2019 at 9:27 pm Reply

    My girlfriend of 11 years killed herself recently and i miss her so much,i just wish we hadn’t argued over petty stuff and it hurts knowing she died alone,if i could have just 10 minutes with her to tell her how much i love her even though i still talk to her as if she were here,everything feels surreal just now and from the moment i open my eyes to the time i finally fall asleep all i can think of is my girlfriend.

    • Leesa Becker  January 22, 2019 at 6:41 am Reply

      My husband decided to take his life. He was 49. I am 37. We had been together since April. I feel your pain. We had petty arguments too. and I feel like so much guilt like I could never say or do the right thing. I love him and I think about him from the time I wake up to the time I go to bed as well. I don’t understand and I feel like I need a group that I can just go post about. We had so much planned. He was a great Airman. He just got done taking a course so he could enter into a Masters position. It was literally 2 months to the day from when we got married that this happened.

      We went out that night danced sung laughed and played pool.

      Then it all turned around when we got home and the alcohol started to get into his blood deeper. The one thing and I talk about it openly because I feel he’d want me too. Is that when he was at his drunkest he still wanted more until he passed out. But when he was sober he didn’t want to drink. He did. But he knew it was something that made him a different person.

      This is a hard thing. Especially you knew her 11!years. My husband I new in the physical forms short time. But felt so connected to him from a spiritual place. We had so much in common.

      I feel I want to come together with others and so we can share stories. Thanks for this webpage and for you sharing.

      He is an amazing father, husband, friend, lover. Omg. I am going to miss his warm arms and how he loved me. He was so passionate. He always had so much energy. He could never sleep much at night. He was the first one to work in the am and the last one to leave.

      This disease is hard for the one who carries it.

      • Alfy  January 23, 2019 at 10:51 am

        Thank you for your kind words Leesa,sorry for your loss x

    • Christina  February 12, 2019 at 10:31 pm Reply

      I’m really sorry Alfy. My boyfriend/fiancé/husband. If that makes sense..Awesome soul … passed by suicide not long ago as well. I’m still learning a lot from this. It makes you reevaluate your understanding of Life. To live as best as I can. Although a few months ago when this happened, I started to become negative. Now, it’s been 5 months and I’m starting to get my positivity back with various drops of grief which I am learning to live with. I really believe life is what you make it.

  200. John Dearing  January 11, 2019 at 4:07 am Reply

    My daughter Nikki chose to leave this world sometime between January 2nd and January 6th 2019. She chose to hang herself in the basement of an empty house not to far from my home. She had been struggling with addiction and anger issues for several years. I did all I could to help her and gave her the unconditional love growing up as a parent should. Her life was not perfect but it was not unperfect either. In retrospect I beginning to believe that she was suffering from a bi-polar mental health problem. That her addiction just made worse. I saw her last on December 31st 2018 and she seemed to be in a good place. I know now she really wasn’t after all. I’m doing far better than I thought I would be at this stage in the process because it is indeed a process. I’m trying to be here for my family her siblings her mother etc….. They are here for me as well. For her the hard part is over now, for us it is just beginning. You see even though we might feel that it’s tough on a particular day since we received the news, we are left behind to keep on living and loving each other and fighting the darkness in this world with the light of that love. Unfortunately for Nikki she did not love herself enough or half as much as she would try to love others, if that makes any sense? I am far from the wisest person in the world, but I’m wise enough to know that not one of us is garunteed tomorrow. So while you can in fact do it right now if you can. Go and tell those people that you love and appreciate, that you love and appreciate them. Tell that you are sorry if you’ve ever hurt them, or ignored them because you were to busy or distracted with all the petty things that seem to be thrown at us all on daily basis. You may not get the chance to if you wait till tomorrow. In fact tomorrow really never comes. You when go to sleep at night and wake up the next day tomorrow was just a dream after all because it’s now today.

  201. John Dearing  January 11, 2019 at 4:07 am Reply

    My daughter Nikki chose to leave this world sometime between January 2nd and January 6th 2019. She chose to hang herself in the basement of an empty house not to far from my home. She had been struggling with addiction and anger issues for several years. I did all I could to help her and gave her the unconditional love growing up as a parent should. Her life was not perfect but it was not unperfect either. In retrospect I beginning to believe that she was suffering from a bi-polar mental health problem. That her addiction just made worse. I saw her last on December 31st 2018 and she seemed to be in a good place. I know now she really wasn’t after all. I’m doing far better than I thought I would be at this stage in the process because it is indeed a process. I’m trying to be here for my family her siblings her mother etc….. They are here for me as well. For her the hard part is over now, for us it is just beginning. You see even though we might feel that it’s tough on a particular day since we received the news, we are left behind to keep on living and loving each other and fighting the darkness in this world with the light of that love. Unfortunately for Nikki she did not love herself enough or half as much as she would try to love others, if that makes any sense? I am far from the wisest person in the world, but I’m wise enough to know that not one of us is garunteed tomorrow. So while you can in fact do it right now if you can. Go and tell those people that you love and appreciate, that you love and appreciate them. Tell that you are sorry if you’ve ever hurt them, or ignored them because you were to busy or distracted with all the petty things that seem to be thrown at us all on daily basis. You may not get the chance to if you wait till tomorrow. In fact tomorrow really never comes. You when go to sleep at night and wake up the next day tomorrow was just a dream after all because it’s now today.

  202. John Dearing  January 11, 2019 at 4:07 am Reply

    My daughter Nikki chose to leave this world sometime between January 2nd and January 6th 2019. She chose to hang herself in the basement of an empty house not to far from my home. She had been struggling with addiction and anger issues for several years. I did all I could to help her and gave her the unconditional love growing up as a parent should. Her life was not perfect but it was not unperfect either. In retrospect I beginning to believe that she was suffering from a bi-polar mental health problem. That her addiction just made worse. I saw her last on December 31st 2018 and she seemed to be in a good place. I know now she really wasn’t after all. I’m doing far better than I thought I would be at this stage in the process because it is indeed a process. I’m trying to be here for my family her siblings her mother etc….. They are here for me as well. For her the hard part is over now, for us it is just beginning. You see even though we might feel that it’s tough on a particular day since we received the news, we are left behind to keep on living and loving each other and fighting the darkness in this world with the light of that love. Unfortunately for Nikki she did not love herself enough or half as much as she would try to love others, if that makes any sense? I am far from the wisest person in the world, but I’m wise enough to know that not one of us is garunteed tomorrow. So while you can in fact do it right now if you can. Go and tell those people that you love and appreciate, that you love and appreciate them. Tell that you are sorry if you’ve ever hurt them, or ignored them because you were to busy or distracted with all the petty things that seem to be thrown at us all on daily basis. You may not get the chance to if you wait till tomorrow. In fact tomorrow really never comes. You when go to sleep at night and wake up the next day tomorrow was just a dream after all because it’s now today.

    • Linda Rice  January 13, 2019 at 9:23 am Reply

      My son Tony took his life on July 3rd 2018 he was 24 he hung himself in wooded area next to my daughter house he was the baby of the family a amazing young man with a beautiful baby boy Brooklyn he was 16months old he had split with Brooklyn mum the horrific things she said and done killed him because words can kill I’ve lost somone so precious Brooklyn lost his dad sister brother all his family friends devastated wee love miss him so much but I have opened support group in Tony’s name if a can save one person from feeling so alone well Tony never died in vane sorry for everyone’s loss to suicide its such a horrendous grief a rollercoaster that you can’t get off pain guilt feeling of not going on another day nothing will ever feel good again but Tony wouldn’t want this hurt a try my best to go on my mother lost her life to suicide when I was 4 my brother in law lost his life to hanging at 20 you just dont no what someone is feeling inside Tony was a funny happy boy he was no angel but he is now flying high in the Skye God luv him a should have saved him .

      • Alison  March 6, 2019 at 6:47 am

        Linda
        My son took his life by hanging on 16th February this year. He knew Tony, they were at school together. I can’t believe that two young men are now gone from the same area in less than a year. I tried to get help for David but never got any. I devastated
        Alison

    • DS  January 14, 2019 at 10:47 pm Reply

      My father killed himself… 39 years ago. I was 9.
      It still haunts me.
      Today, my mother who for decades wouldn’t talk about it (even initially telling her 4 kids a lie about how he died) sent us a news article which was a profile on her life. In it she talked openly about my father’s suicide… and I am left confounded, and saddened again.
      The death, which for so long could not be discussed, is now featured in the newspaper, from my dear mother… who lied to us initially believing she was “protecting us.”

      I am still stuck, saddened anew at the terrible legacy of suicide and its stigma… so many years on.

  203. M.M.  January 9, 2019 at 12:16 am Reply

    My father killed himself almost a month ago (12/13/18). I’m thankful we have a strong, close family (a family he built with my mother), but the alternating pain, anger, sadness, numbness, disbelief is terrible. I can’t imagine the pain he must have been suffering to choose to end this life which he loved so much. He really did. The comments here have been helpful to read and know that we are not alone in surviving this awful experience. I think it was caused by a sudden change in medication without proper medical supervision or care. We are heartbroken.

  204. M.M.  January 9, 2019 at 12:16 am Reply

    My father killed himself almost a month ago (12/13/18). I’m thankful we have a strong, close family (a family he built with my mother), but the alternating pain, anger, sadness, numbness, disbelief is terrible. I can’t imagine the pain he must have been suffering to choose to end this life which he loved so much. He really did. The comments here have been helpful to read and know that we are not alone in surviving this awful experience. I think it was caused by a sudden change in medication without proper medical supervision or care. We are heartbroken.

  205. M.M.  January 9, 2019 at 12:16 am Reply

    My father killed himself almost a month ago (12/13/18). I’m thankful we have a strong, close family (a family he built with my mother), but the alternating pain, anger, sadness, numbness, disbelief is terrible. I can’t imagine the pain he must have been suffering to choose to end this life which he loved so much. He really did. The comments here have been helpful to read and know that we are not alone in surviving this awful experience. I think it was caused by a sudden change in medication without proper medical supervision or care. We are heartbroken.

  206. Madison Burns  January 6, 2019 at 11:54 pm Reply

    My friend killed himself on 01/19/18 so nearly a year ago his family never revealed how, all the people in my grade blame themselves because we were supposed to be his friends his school family that he could turn to if he needed help I found out 2 days later… On my 13th birthday and some nights it just hits so hard that he’s gone, then I lost my step dad not even 8 months later some days I don’t even wanna get out of bed because it hurts to much that he’s gone, I don’t talk as much as I used to when’s he’s here I miss him so much

  207. Madison Burns  January 6, 2019 at 11:54 pm Reply

    My friend killed himself on 01/19/18 so nearly a year ago his family never revealed how, all the people in my grade blame themselves because we were supposed to be his friends his school family that he could turn to if he needed help I found out 2 days later… On my 13th birthday and some nights it just hits so hard that he’s gone, then I lost my step dad not even 8 months later some days I don’t even wanna get out of bed because it hurts to much that he’s gone, I don’t talk as much as I used to when’s he’s here I miss him so much

  208. Madison Burns  January 6, 2019 at 11:54 pm Reply

    My friend killed himself on 01/19/18 so nearly a year ago his family never revealed how, all the people in my grade blame themselves because we were supposed to be his friends his school family that he could turn to if he needed help I found out 2 days later… On my 13th birthday and some nights it just hits so hard that he’s gone, then I lost my step dad not even 8 months later some days I don’t even wanna get out of bed because it hurts to much that he’s gone, I don’t talk as much as I used to when’s he’s here I miss him so much

    • Megan  January 8, 2019 at 11:00 pm Reply

      Hi Madison,

      I lost my cousin, my best friend, on 12/22/18 from suicide. I’m sorry to hear about your friend and step dad. Something that helps me is looking for signs that he’s still with me. Although he recently just passed I have also lost both of my parents and two of my friends. So grieving is unfortunately something I tend to feel. After I got home from being with my family I went to see my therapist. I’ve seen her twice since I’ve been home. These things won’t fix our grieving but more or less help us in the process. I’m sorry the pain you’re feeling and I hope you find some comfort in speaking with someone. I know you’re trying to figure it out as we both have come to this website. Time heals.

  209. Tina Lennon  January 6, 2019 at 10:54 am Reply

    My ex-husband, and the father of our 8yo daughter died by suicide on Fri 11/30/18. We were together for 10 years and divorced 2.5 yrs prior to his death. The sheriff knocked on my door at 1130pm that day to notify me and that was how I found out. I have cried every day since his death. Even though we were divorced and often at odds, his death has truly gutted me. The thought that he suffered physically during the act, and that he had been so distraught as to choose this path has wrecked me. Even though in my head that I am not to blame, you instantly have an intense feeling of self-blame and guild. Did I somehow contribute to his state of mind? Was I so busy being mad at him that I didn’t see he needed help? But even his girlfriend that he lived with had no idea. It was a total shock and sursprise to all of us. Delivering the news to my daughter that her father had died was the worst and most painful thing I will ever have to do for my entire life. We are making it through, day by day. Corey’s Celebration of Life is scheduled for next Friday, 6 weeks after his death. I am grateful to be reaching this milestone so we can get past the “funeral” planning and arrangements and start moving on and healing.

  210. Tina Lennon  January 6, 2019 at 10:54 am Reply

    My ex-husband, and the father of our 8yo daughter died by suicide on Fri 11/30/18. We were together for 10 years and divorced 2.5 yrs prior to his death. The sheriff knocked on my door at 1130pm that day to notify me and that was how I found out. I have cried every day since his death. Even though we were divorced and often at odds, his death has truly gutted me. The thought that he suffered physically during the act, and that he had been so distraught as to choose this path has wrecked me. Even though in my head that I am not to blame, you instantly have an intense feeling of self-blame and guild. Did I somehow contribute to his state of mind? Was I so busy being mad at him that I didn’t see he needed help? But even his girlfriend that he lived with had no idea. It was a total shock and sursprise to all of us. Delivering the news to my daughter that her father had died was the worst and most painful thing I will ever have to do for my entire life. We are making it through, day by day. Corey’s Celebration of Life is scheduled for next Friday, 6 weeks after his death. I am grateful to be reaching this milestone so we can get past the “funeral” planning and arrangements and start moving on and healing.

  211. Tina Lennon  January 6, 2019 at 10:54 am Reply

    My ex-husband, and the father of our 8yo daughter died by suicide on Fri 11/30/18. We were together for 10 years and divorced 2.5 yrs prior to his death. The sheriff knocked on my door at 1130pm that day to notify me and that was how I found out. I have cried every day since his death. Even though we were divorced and often at odds, his death has truly gutted me. The thought that he suffered physically during the act, and that he had been so distraught as to choose this path has wrecked me. Even though in my head that I am not to blame, you instantly have an intense feeling of self-blame and guild. Did I somehow contribute to his state of mind? Was I so busy being mad at him that I didn’t see he needed help? But even his girlfriend that he lived with had no idea. It was a total shock and sursprise to all of us. Delivering the news to my daughter that her father had died was the worst and most painful thing I will ever have to do for my entire life. We are making it through, day by day. Corey’s Celebration of Life is scheduled for next Friday, 6 weeks after his death. I am grateful to be reaching this milestone so we can get past the “funeral” planning and arrangements and start moving on and healing.

    • Julia G.  February 8, 2019 at 1:00 am Reply

      My ex-husband took his life late last year as well leaving behind his beautiful children. Since his suicide I haven’t found anyone who I can relate to, this is a level of loneliness that I have nothing to compare to. I will be thinking of you and your daughter.

  212. Bryan Hugh Strickland  December 30, 2018 at 9:38 pm Reply

    My 23 year old son shot himself 12/22/18. We took him off of life support 12/23/18 as there was no hope. My ex wife and I had agreed that he should be an organ donor and we both signed the paperwork. After he was pronounced brain dead I went home and turned off my cell phone. I woke up to a voicemail from the donor org to find out my ex wife stopped the donation. There was someone in Atlanta on the table waiting on his liver. There was someone going to their hospital to get his kidneys. Someone had been identified for the pancreas. His death was a waste and his body was wasted. I am sick to my stomach about losing him and then not even having the chance to help somebody else. I’ll never understand any of this.

  213. Bryan Hugh Strickland  December 30, 2018 at 9:38 pm Reply

    My 23 year old son shot himself 12/22/18. We took him off of life support 12/23/18 as there was no hope. My ex wife and I had agreed that he should be an organ donor and we both signed the paperwork. After he was pronounced brain dead I went home and turned off my cell phone. I woke up to a voicemail from the donor org to find out my ex wife stopped the donation. There was someone in Atlanta on the table waiting on his liver. There was someone going to their hospital to get his kidneys. Someone had been identified for the pancreas. His death was a waste and his body was wasted. I am sick to my stomach about losing him and then not even having the chance to help somebody else. I’ll never understand any of this.

  214. Bryan Hugh Strickland  December 30, 2018 at 9:38 pm Reply

    My 23 year old son shot himself 12/22/18. We took him off of life support 12/23/18 as there was no hope. My ex wife and I had agreed that he should be an organ donor and we both signed the paperwork. After he was pronounced brain dead I went home and turned off my cell phone. I woke up to a voicemail from the donor org to find out my ex wife stopped the donation. There was someone in Atlanta on the table waiting on his liver. There was someone going to their hospital to get his kidneys. Someone had been identified for the pancreas. His death was a waste and his body was wasted. I am sick to my stomach about losing him and then not even having the chance to help somebody else. I’ll never understand any of this.

  215. Esmeralda P Garcia  December 28, 2018 at 8:50 pm Reply

    My 33-yr old son killed himself on November 14, 2018. He had just come back to live with me 3 days after living with his brother for 3 months. He was a handsome, beautiful, caring, loving human being, with a brilliant mind, who was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder at age 17 in his senior year of high school. I knocked on his door to say goodbye as I left to work, he answered OK and said “I love you Mom” and I replied “I love you too” Two hours later, as seen on the Ring video, he walks with a shotgun he bought the day before, to the back of the garage and shot himself in the face. At work, I felt something squeezing my heart. I told my co-workers I felt something wrong, and at 5 pm rushed home and searched until I found him. I can’t unfeel what I felt, I can’t unsee what I saw. The grief is unbearable. Tsunami waves that knock me to the floor crying uncontrollably. Why – why!! I am looking for a”key” as if I find it, I can run to a “door” and open it and he will be there. Truth is that it doesn’t matter if I find “the key”; he will not be behind the door. He is dead – gone from this life and my heart is broken. I go back and forth with the areas of grief. I am especially angry with the psychotic medication TV commercials. My son was on combo of meds that stabilized him for 8 years. This year he switched psychiatrists to one that would let him experiment with the “new bipolar meds” touted on TV”. They market it like a cure to your illness if you can live through the side effects. I am grateful that we had him the time we had him. I am getting grief therapy because I don’t know how I can handle this pain.

  216. Esmeralda P Garcia  December 28, 2018 at 8:50 pm Reply

    My 33-yr old son killed himself on November 14, 2018. He had just come back to live with me 3 days after living with his brother for 3 months. He was a handsome, beautiful, caring, loving human being, with a brilliant mind, who was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder at age 17 in his senior year of high school. I knocked on his door to say goodbye as I left to work, he answered OK and said “I love you Mom” and I replied “I love you too” Two hours later, as seen on the Ring video, he walks with a shotgun he bought the day before, to the back of the garage and shot himself in the face. At work, I felt something squeezing my heart. I told my co-workers I felt something wrong, and at 5 pm rushed home and searched until I found him. I can’t unfeel what I felt, I can’t unsee what I saw. The grief is unbearable. Tsunami waves that knock me to the floor crying uncontrollably. Why – why!! I am looking for a”key” as if I find it, I can run to a “door” and open it and he will be there. Truth is that it doesn’t matter if I find “the key”; he will not be behind the door. He is dead – gone from this life and my heart is broken. I go back and forth with the areas of grief. I am especially angry with the psychotic medication TV commercials. My son was on combo of meds that stabilized him for 8 years. This year he switched psychiatrists to one that would let him experiment with the “new bipolar meds” touted on TV”. They market it like a cure to your illness if you can live through the side effects. I am grateful that we had him the time we had him. I am getting grief therapy because I don’t know how I can handle this pain.

  217. Esmeralda P Garcia  December 28, 2018 at 8:50 pm Reply

    My 33-yr old son killed himself on November 14, 2018. He had just come back to live with me 3 days after living with his brother for 3 months. He was a handsome, beautiful, caring, loving human being, with a brilliant mind, who was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder at age 17 in his senior year of high school. I knocked on his door to say goodbye as I left to work, he answered OK and said “I love you Mom” and I replied “I love you too” Two hours later, as seen on the Ring video, he walks with a shotgun he bought the day before, to the back of the garage and shot himself in the face. At work, I felt something squeezing my heart. I told my co-workers I felt something wrong, and at 5 pm rushed home and searched until I found him. I can’t unfeel what I felt, I can’t unsee what I saw. The grief is unbearable. Tsunami waves that knock me to the floor crying uncontrollably. Why – why!! I am looking for a”key” as if I find it, I can run to a “door” and open it and he will be there. Truth is that it doesn’t matter if I find “the key”; he will not be behind the door. He is dead – gone from this life and my heart is broken. I go back and forth with the areas of grief. I am especially angry with the psychotic medication TV commercials. My son was on combo of meds that stabilized him for 8 years. This year he switched psychiatrists to one that would let him experiment with the “new bipolar meds” touted on TV”. They market it like a cure to your illness if you can live through the side effects. I am grateful that we had him the time we had him. I am getting grief therapy because I don’t know how I can handle this pain.

  218. Alison  December 27, 2018 at 12:00 pm Reply

    My father shot himself in the head 30 years ago this year. I was just a little girl. Now I have an 11 week old son. After all these years, my father’s death still affects me. The grownups around me at the time handled it poorly and I believe that has strongly impacted on my journey through the grief. In the past few days i found myself once again going through the small box of things i have left of my dad. I have been through that box so many times, but on this day i went through some of his study notes. The year before he died he was studying nursing. I could not believe it that after 30 yrs i found an assignment he wrote that I’ve never seen before where he detailed his mental health in the years before. ..and stated that he’d attempted to kill himself twice before but that he was on a better path now. That was written one year before his death. Finding it 30 yrs later has opened up old wounds again and i find myself worrying about my son too and he’s only 11 weeks old. Suicide leaves a terrible injury on those left behind. Adults need to help children through suicide properly too. Love to you all who have lost loved ones. It is a ravaging, harrowing death and grief.

  219. Alison  December 27, 2018 at 12:00 pm Reply

    My father shot himself in the head 30 years ago this year. I was just a little girl. Now I have an 11 week old son. After all these years, my father’s death still affects me. The grownups around me at the time handled it poorly and I believe that has strongly impacted on my journey through the grief. In the past few days i found myself once again going through the small box of things i have left of my dad. I have been through that box so many times, but on this day i went through some of his study notes. The year before he died he was studying nursing. I could not believe it that after 30 yrs i found an assignment he wrote that I’ve never seen before where he detailed his mental health in the years before. ..and stated that he’d attempted to kill himself twice before but that he was on a better path now. That was written one year before his death. Finding it 30 yrs later has opened up old wounds again and i find myself worrying about my son too and he’s only 11 weeks old. Suicide leaves a terrible injury on those left behind. Adults need to help children through suicide properly too. Love to you all who have lost loved ones. It is a ravaging, harrowing death and grief.

  220. Alison  December 27, 2018 at 12:00 pm Reply

    My father shot himself in the head 30 years ago this year. I was just a little girl. Now I have an 11 week old son. After all these years, my father’s death still affects me. The grownups around me at the time handled it poorly and I believe that has strongly impacted on my journey through the grief. In the past few days i found myself once again going through the small box of things i have left of my dad. I have been through that box so many times, but on this day i went through some of his study notes. The year before he died he was studying nursing. I could not believe it that after 30 yrs i found an assignment he wrote that I’ve never seen before where he detailed his mental health in the years before. ..and stated that he’d attempted to kill himself twice before but that he was on a better path now. That was written one year before his death. Finding it 30 yrs later has opened up old wounds again and i find myself worrying about my son too and he’s only 11 weeks old. Suicide leaves a terrible injury on those left behind. Adults need to help children through suicide properly too. Love to you all who have lost loved ones. It is a ravaging, harrowing death and grief.

  221. Linn  December 24, 2018 at 4:12 pm Reply

    My darling perfect lovely boyfriend killed him self yesterday morning. The pain is unbearable. We loved each other so much. Soul mates. We shared it with each other about 100 times a day. To know that I’ll never hear those words from him again, never hear his voice, never be able to kiss him again, touch him kills me. There are no words strong enough for this kind of pain. I love you so much H. Why did you leave me alone? We were going to grow old together.