Grieving a Suicide Death

According to Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in 2013 there were 41,149 suicides in the United States.  This rate is equal to 113 suicides each day or one every 13 minutes.  Surveys have shown that 40% of adults know at least one person who has died by suicide and upwards of 20% of adults report their lives have been significantly impacted by suicide.

I’m sorry we didn’t write this post sooner.

I have a lot I want to cover, so I won’t waste time on introductions.  I do realize, though, that some of you won’t read this post all the way through.  For those of you who know yourselves well enough to know you won’t finish, I want to let you know that I will link to additional resources at the end of this post.  Also, I want to invite anyone who has been touched by suicide to share your experiences in the comments below.  Although we can offer general thoughts on this subject, it is your insight that adds truth and nuance to this discussion and helps those facing similar circumstances feel less alone.

First things first, our usual disclaimer…

Although commonalities exist amongst people who have experienced a certain type of loss, individual grief is unique to the person experiencing it and their relationship with the person who died.  Although we can talk in averages and generalities, no article, grief theory, or set of symptoms will ever perfectly sum up your grief experience. Further, although you might be able to relate to aspects of another person’s grief (and vice versa), no one can completely understand how anyone else feels. With this in mind, we recommend you learn what you can from your commonalities with other grievers, but take differences with a grain of salt.

How we talk about suicide…

Although we may have a long way to go in understanding suicide and effective suicide prevention, thankfully progress has brought us far beyond the dark days when suicide was looked upon as a crime or religious offense.  Progress, though, is multifaceted and while our understanding of suicide has grown more compassionate, our language has not.

For this reason organizations like the World Health Organization, National Institute for Mental Health, American Association for Suicidology, American Foundation for Suicide Prevention and countless others have been working to shift suicide-related terminology.  Although there are many fine points to this conversation, I simply want to impress the following upon you…

When referring an individual’s death from suicide…

Don’t say…She committed suicide.”

Do say… “She killed herself” or “She died by suicide”

I know most of you are used to saying “committed suicide” and you certainly aren’t alone.  Many people in our society have yet to get this memo, but now you have.  Please, the time has come for us to choose language around suicide that does not condemn or stigmatize the person who has died or those who love them.

Suicide as a traumatic loss…

When a loved one kills themselves, the death is often experienced as traumatic.  We typically use Wortman & Latack (2015) definition of traumatic loss…

“A death is considered traumatic if it occurs without warning; if it is untimely; if it involves violence; if there is damage to the loved one’s body; if it was caused by a perpetrator with the intent to harm; if the survivor regards the death as preventable; if the survivor believes that the loved one suffered; or if the survivor regards the death, or manner of death, as unfair and unjust.”

This definition touches on many experiences common to suicide death including the death being sudden, untimely, violent, regarded as preventable, etc. However there are other traumatic loss risk factors associated with suicide such as feelings of blame, witnessing the death, and finding the body.  Deaths that are also potentially traumatic events can result in the compounding and intertwining of trauma and grief responses. These may manifest as the following (these are just a few so if you’d like more information on grieving a traumatic loss, head here):

  • Recurrent intrusive thoughts about the death
  • Shattered assumptions about the world, onself, and others
  • Feelings of guilt and blame
  • Fear and avoidance of grief and trauma emotions, thoughts, memories, etc.

It’s important to note, it is not the nature of a death that makes it traumatic, rather how the event is interpreted and processed by the individual. This means that, regardless of the circumstances around the death, it is not a given that it will be experienced as traumatic. One cannot underestimate the impact of personal factors like emotional regulation, cognitive responses, secondary stressors, coping style, prior history of trauma, and access to support and resources in determining how a person responds to an event.

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When grieving a suicide death one may experience…

The search for answers:

In the wake of death, people often seek to construct a meaningful narrative that helps them to find peace and understanding in what happened.  So it’s common to ask questions like “what if?”, “why?”, and “what’s the point?” Until the question of “why” can be answered, grieving family and friends may continue to search and ruminate.

After a suicide death, as with any other type of death, the bereaved may seek to make sense of what happened.  However in this instance they may find that many of their questions are either unanswerable or they lead to distressing conclusions (whether these conclusions are true or not). It is not uncommon for themes of personal blame to arise as the person questions their role in their loved one’s suicide and what they could have done to prevent their death.  Unfortunately, the bereaved may vastly overestimate their own role and the role of others (i.e. what family and friends did or didn’t do), as opposed to blaming things like mental illness which is quite often present.

Whether rational or not, grieving family and friends may struggle with distressing thoughts like…

  • I never really knew him.
  • She didn’t feel comfortable confiding in me.
  • She was in intense pain
  • I’m to blame. I should have done more to prevent his death.
  • I’m to blame. I pushed him into the decision to kill himself.
  • She didn’t love me enough to live.
  • My family members are to blame.

The impact of expectedness…

Although suicide is often sudden, it is not always unexpected and so not all who experience the death of a loved one struggle to answer the question of “why?”.  In many instances there has been discussion of suicidal thoughts or past suicide attempts.  Maple et al (2007) found in interviews with suicidally bereaved parents that “preparedness” was linked with an ability to anticipate and explain their child’s death.  They note,

“Once they had acknowledged the inevitability of suicide they were able to weave this possibility, unwelcome as it was, into their life story to develop a coherent explanation.”

Family conflict:

Family can be an incredible source of comfort and healing after a death…for some.  For others, family can be a source of distressing conflict and misunderstanding after a death.

Regardless of the circumstances surrounding the death, things like complicated family dynamics, shifting roles, and different coping styles can test and challenge a family. After a suicide death additional conflict may emerge because…

  • The deceased’s mental illness and suicidal behavior created disruption and placed strain on the family as a whole.
  • Family members disagree about how they want to acknowledge the death publicly.
  • Family members disagree about how they want to discuss the death privately within the family.
  • Different family members come up with different explanations for why their loved one killed him- or herself
  • Blame

Feelings of rejection and abandonment:

Evidence has shown that suicidally bereaved individuals experience higher levels of rejection compared with other bereaved groups. In grief, feelings of guilt, blame, regret, and rejection can be logical, but they can also defy all logic and reason. So even when it’s evident that the suicide was not an act of intentional abandonment, it still may feel that way to the people who grieve the death.

Worries about developing mental illness:

Approximately 90% of those who die by suicide have one or more mental disorders.  When the deceased is connected to the bereaved through genetics, especially in the instance of a child grieving a parent’s suicide death, the living family member(s) may worry that they too will develop mental illness and some day make the choice to kill themselves. Indeed, some research has indicated that a family history of suicide increases suicide risk.

If you know a child, or adult for that matter, struggling with these concerns don’t immediately disregard their worries.  If you are someone grappling with this concern, know that it is normal and if you’re really worried then it never hurts to seek out a little support and psycho-education from a therapist or counselor.

Fear of grief reactions:

After a death mourners often feel as though they are going crazy, and, as noted, those who have experienced a traumatic loss often experience intensified and prolonged grief/trauma reactions.  If a person interprets their symptoms as dangerous, threatening, or indicative of a larger mental or physical problem, they are more likely to fear and inhibit their reactions (i.e. engage in avoidance).

Concerns about one’s own reactions following a death add to existing emotion by causing additional anxiety, depression, anger or shame.  Those who are fearful of their reactions may engage in maladaptive and persistent avoidance of triggers or reminders, which, in some cases, can contribute to the development of psychological disorder and prevent the mourner from finding meaningful ways to continue their bond with their loved one.

Relief:

It is common for a person to feel relieved after a loved one dies, when the loved one had been living in pain and suffering. For those who die from illness, the relief comes from knowing they are no longer in physical pain.  And when a person dies from something like suicide or overdose, the relief may come from a place of knowing that their loved one is no longer struggling with emotional (and sometimes physical) pain.

Another reason someone might feel relief is if the loved one’s suicidal behavior (or other types of behavior) had put a strain on their family or other types of relationships. This doesn’t mean that the person grieving the loss wouldn’t trade their relief to have their loved one back for just one moment, or that they don’t also feel intense pain and sadness. It just means that relief is one feeling in their big, messy, hurricane of grief.

Feelings of isolation, stigma and/or shame:

Sadly, there is a stigma attached to mental illness and suicide.  Others can’t imagine the mental and emotional pain that would cause a person to kill themselves and so they might make assumptions or judge the deceased’s actions, calling them weak or selfish or who knows what else.

This being the case, it’s no wonder that many people choose not to open up about their loved one’s death.  Stigmatized losses may also be referred to as disenfranchised losses, which you can read more about here.  The following are just a few potential causes for isolation, stigma, and shame following a suicide death:

  • Isolation and shame may result from the family’s decision to keep the suicide a secret.  Feeling unable to acknowledge the truth, those grieving the loss may feel as though they have to lie or live in silence.
  • Shame may result from thoughts of personal blame and responsibility.
  • Shame may result from the belief that one can’t control or manage their own grief reactions.
  • Isolation and shame may result from a lack of social support or because others don’t acknowledge the death.
  • Shame, isolation and stigma may be felt in response to messages from media and broader society about suicide
  • Isolation may result from perceived rejection and thoughts of worthlessness.

If you are grieving a loved one’s death from suicide you may find these resources helpful:

Alliance of Hope for Suicide Survivors

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention

SAVE: Suicide awareness voices of education

To Write Love on Her Arms

Our Posts:

In memory of Robin Williams: How to talk with kids about suicide

Review of the Dougy Center’s After a suicide death: An Activity Book for Grieving Kids

Review of Hospice of the Chesapeake’s Supporting Children After a Suicide Loss: a guide for parents and caregivers

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March 28, 2017

93 responses on "Grieving a Suicide Death"

  1. My boyfriend of nine years died by suicide only 7 weeks ago. We were happy. Did everything together. His precious puppy son of 17 years had been put down one month to the date that he killed himself. My boyfriend was a jolly kind and compassionate person. As to the “WhY” only he knows. It hurts that we talked about getting old together and even made jokes about it. Now that will never happen. I know he suffered some mental issues from If someone here is thinking about this. Please Please Please get help. Think of the pain you will cause your love ones.

  2. My sister in law ended her life on 8/6/2018. We just buried her this past Friday. Her daughter, my godchild and niece, died three months ago from cancer. She was just 33 years old. Erin could not live without her daughter. She had always suffered from depression and abused alcohol and medications. She had many daemons she battled for as long as I knew her. She was clear that she didn’t want to live anymore since before my niece died. I saw her last month, as I live in a different state, and she was giving away her possessions and telling us she was talking to people who’d already died. I took my brother, her husband, to a Crisis Center at a nearby hospital. They sent someone to the house to speak with her and to assess whether they could 302 her. They concluded they didn’t have enough to have her locked up. Three days before she died, it would have been my niece’s 34th birthday. I considered flying in to spend the weekend with her, and I didn’t. I’m having a hard time processing my niece’s death, but I knew it was a bad “trigger” time for Erin. Before my niece died, I promised her I would take care of her mom and dad, which was very important to her. I know I couldn’t be there all of the time, and I know Erin would have eventually done herself in — she genuinely didn’t want help or want to get better. I prayed to God for a sign that I should go, which I never received. I honestly didn’t know what was the kinder thing to do — help her to want to live, or be complicit in what I suspected her actions would be. I know my brother has similar feelings of guilt, and he will probably never get over those feelings. He lost his family in the span of 3 months after a very grueling year of watching his daughter die horribly from cancer. I don’t even know what it is I feel — really, the absence of anything. How do you move forward?

  3. It has been about 1.5 years since my brother’s suicide–his last and final mistake, one of many. His final and conclusive solution to all of his life’s problems. Although I am still in disbelief during some moments, as I think of his laugh and his smile and his permanent absence from our lives due to an impetuous, desperate choice he made that night, I am beginning to have better moments during the day. I am remembering him with sadness but with less of a stab in the heart as before. I have let everyone who loved him know how he died, so that they can also recognize the tragedy for what it is, and remember and pray for his soul, accordingly. I forgive him and hope that he is or will soon be, free of his suffering. No more suffering. My own life gets shorter each day, and I recognize this. I spend quality time with my children, knowing that one day they will be remembering me. I do things that I know my brother would enjoy doing, para-sailing, for example. I am sad knowing that he misses the new songs and movies of our current time, but there is nothing I can to about that, other than to enjoy these worldly things for him. I believe that deep in his heart he knew that he was loved, and whether he knows it or not, he will continue to be loved until my last breath. Take assurance that your pain will ease and it will become a bit easier with time. Focus on the happier moments and try to live your life to its fullest even with your broken hearts. Live, love, and laugh. May God bless each and every one of you ,as well as your lost loved ones. Please know that you are not alone.

  4. My little sister of 22 (2 years younger then myself) shot herself about 2 months ago. dealing with things has been difficult. She left behind her 2 year old son whom my husband and myself have taken in.
    Cassie had been suffering for a long time with depression and I knew that. she lived with my dad and I was constantly coming down to the house to help her clean and care for her son because she couldn’t find the energy within her to do so herself. I did what I could to care for my nephew without upsetting Cassie. We’d had many arguments about what was acceptable and unacceptable. like leaving him in the living room by himself for hours while she played video games or slept. I convinced her to go to therapy and that seemed to help for awhile… but idk what happened but she knew I was coming down to the house, that I was at our grandfathers helping him around the house and that I would be down before I left (we live out in the middle of know where with lots of farm area but on the same street) I was literally less then 2 minutes away. when I got to the top of the hill I could see all the cop cars in the driveway and didn’t know what to think at that point but they pretty immediately showed me my nephew and that he was fine. my heart was jackrabbiting as I tried to be calm and cuddle him a bit. A EMT approached and I asked about my sister…. and I’ll never forget those eyes staring back at me and informing me she’d shot herself in the head and was dead. after that an officer pulled me to the side and asked a bunch of questions. Apparently she had called them before shed done anything and asked how long it would take them to get there of course they didn’t answer that and she told them to hurry cause she had a toddler in the house and that her sister was on her way down and she didn’t want me to find her. I had to tell my dad that his baby girl was gone. he’s a over the road truck driver so I couldn’t just wait for him to come home. when I told him it was like listing to someone ripping his heart out. Then I had to tell my mother….

    I know Cassie was sick. that it was part of a condition I’m unable to fully grasp. That this was her decision and nobody’s fault. That she was hurting and saw this as solution and I try to keep that in mind but between the sadness I find I have a well of anger at her. For the people she hurt, for the hurt she’s dealt me with her actions, for the son she left behind who one day I’ll have to explain what happened to mommy. For the constant worry for my parents (who divorced around 3 years ago and still haven’t recovered) For having to scrub her blood off the back of the bathroom door for the look on my dads face as he stares blankly down at his hands, for the nights I’ve held my mother has she cries. I know its not fair, that Cassie was sick but I hate we did so much, tried so hard loved her so much and it didn’t matter in the end.

  5. My dad killed himself exactly a month ago on Father’s Day. It was something none of us expected and were in complete and utter shock. I had found him. It was around 8:30AM that morning and I was looking all over for him to give him his Father’s Day card; it was a popup beach card that I knew he would have loved. On the back I had written how I knew he was going through a hard time right now, but that I believe he can make it through. I had said that even though me and him fought a lot, I still loved him unconditionally and that we will eventually come to see eye to eye. I had turned the corner in the backyard to find him on his knees, slightly suspended from the gate. I just remember screaming. My mom heard me and shouted, asking me what was wrong and I just couldnt speak. I eventually was able to say “He’s dead,” and everyone around me just stared. “Who’s dead??” my Mom screamed. I told her it was Dad, and that was when my little sister walked in. “Daddy’s dead?” she asked with panic in her voice and tears beginning to form in her eyes. I am 16, my brother is 14, and my sister is 9. My Mom had been with my Dad for 32 years, and built her entire life around him. A month later we are still in shock. He was the sole provider and we are going to have to move and start over somewhere new, to get away from the horrible memory of that day at this house.
    It was horrible; something I’d never wish on my worst enemy. We miss my dad every day. But some days we’re angry, some we’re confused, and some we spend the whole day crying and asking why. I just hope that wherever he is, he is happy now, free from his sadness and anxiety. I love you, dad.

  6. My big sister of 29 yo decided to transform herself into an invisible angel 14 years ago.
    I’m now 33 but I know for sure that I will always be her little sister.
    We planned to live together as I was finishing high school that year and she was so excited about me, starting the University and finally living the joyful life we deserved, far away from our narcissistic toxic and violent mother.
    I could have given my life for hers but, as a big sister, she took that idea.
    I feel guilty of being alive. I feel guilty of crying about the fact that in the past 14 years I needed her hugs, her wisdom, her light. She used to say that we were born as warriors and warriors don’t complain about being warriors and their purpose is to keep fighting. There are days like today that I feel I’ve lost my weapons. She didn’t have kids and I feel so scared about me becoming a mother one day. I know that she was hugging my hearth with pride when I graduated. I know she was hugging my heart when I dove with manta rays down in the deep blue.I know she was hugging my heart when I met my boyfriend who happens to live in the same street where she was living. I know she will continue to hug my heart every single day of my life.
    14 years have passed by and the will of saying how much I love her and miss her is still rooted in my heart.
    I’ll be forever grateful that I had the most loving and brave big sister for at least 19 years in her human shape. I know she will always be the bigger and will continue to hug me.
    It’s just so sad and infuriating that there is no Survival loss support group in my entire country, Switzerland ( which has one of the highest rates of suicide in the world). I wish I could hug tightly each one of you: I feel your pain which is mine as well and I hope you will find the strength to honour their life with putting extra light in yours. We are warriors.

  7. My beautiful,smart 17 year old granddaughter took her life on July 15,2017 . She had been effected by anxiety and depression for three years,she had begun cutting herself then took one of her mothers pills thinking it would kill her she was 13 at that time she was sent to a mental help institution for two weeks ,started therapy and medication. Her next attempt was slitting her wrists in the bathtub her mother and father found her,she back to the same institution for a few weeks more therapy and a change in medication. While this was going on she was going to school ,playing sports and cheerleading, she was missing a lot of school but because she was smart was able to catch up , when in school spent so much time in the nurses office having anxiety attacks daily. She also displayed manic behaviors , silly happy, shopping binges , and rages. We rallied around her and prayed that she would outgrow this and that it was part of the normal teenage angst. Before she turned fourteen she was a happy baby and a delightful child. Before she took her life she told her mother she didn’t feel the medication was working and the visits to the institution were a waste of time. She ended her life a few weeks later. Even though it’s been just short of a year I am broken , i have good days but many dark days. I just can’t come to terms with the tragic loss of my beautiful granddaughter who had so much ahead of her, I grieve for all the tomorrows that will never be. I wish that they had sought a higher level of help for her, more intense psychiatric intervention, how do I come to terms with this?

  8. My husband chose to end his life three and a half years ago. I remember the day specifically because it was also the day that I told him that I had filed for divorce and he needed to pick up the paperwork from my attorney’s office. He texted both of our children individually that he loved them and then he hung himself. I found him the next day. I will forever live with the guilt that me being unable to be his wife and his soul support emotionally physically and psychologically meant that he could no longer draw breath. He chose to do this a week and a half to two weeks before both of our children’s birthdays. They were 14 & 12. And their father chose to opt out. About a year later and a whole lot of other issues (oldest came out as transgender amongst them) I had an epiphany: what good does it due to be angry with a dead man.? I’m no longer angry with him for leaving ME but I hurt for THEM. No one to teach them how to tie a tie, how to shave. How to ask a girl out. How to be a man.
    And then there’s the loneliness. I don’t think anyone can understand the loneliness. No one to talk to, to tell about your day, to talk about your children’s successes, strives, their challenges. There’s no one there. Friends try to fill the Gap but they have no comprehension. I would never wish this on anyone, but sometimes I wish my friends/family could understand that divorced it’s not the same. How do we reconcile that we weren’t worth living for?

  9. Reading these comments has helped me to see that I am not alone in my pain. My brother shot himself almost two weeks ago and it still feels like I am just raw. He was supposed to meet me and my parents for a movie and never showed up, we texted him that day and the next couple of days but he never answered. He had dropped out of medical school about half a year earlier and we assumed he needed some time alone. After not answering our texts and calls for four days, my parents went to his apartment to talk to him, but he still would not answer so they called the police. I got a call from my dad saying that my brother was no longer with us and it left me in shock. We never saw the body but I can’t stop imagining what it looked like, if he felt pain or died instantly, how long his body was there for, or what his last moments were like. It feels like a hot iron is going through my chest when I think of what he must have been thinking and feeling in his last moments and I don’t know how to stop those thoughts. I am immensely grateful for the few websites I have found that talk about suicide grief, as it makes me feel a little less alone with my grief.

  10. My husband died by suicide 9/21/16 and was found by our young son… the day played out with just enough guilt to last me a lifetime We argued about him sleeping in his office chair at 10 am- he had a history of drinking and anxiety meds use. Never in my life would I imagine that this would be his end .. he was strong, he had a smile (when he could)that would light up a room that was some of his good qualities but that being said to plan yes plan your death means that there is a terrible darkness behind that facade… I miss the man who said we would grow old together because the best was yet to come…

  11. I have recently lost my adult sibling to suicide. So far, I have coped with my loss by attending two sessions of a general bereavement group. I think I might have found more solace in a suicide-specific bereavement group. I have found more strength through self-help, by reading books which address grief and all of the issues surrounding grief, some which are specific to suicide death. I would like to share the titles of those books with you:
    “The Gift of Second-Healing From the Impact of Suicide”-by Brandy Lidbeck
    “No Time To Say Goodbye-Surviving the Suicide of a Loved One”, by Carla Fine
    “Why Suicide-Questions and Answers about Suicide, Suicide Prevention, and Coping with the Suicide of Someone You Know”-By Eric Marcus
    “Healing after the Suicide of a Loved One”-by Ann Smolin, CSW and John Guinan, Phd
    “How To Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies”-by Therese A. Rando, Phd
    “I Wasn’t Ready To Say Goodbye-Surviving, Coping and Healing After the Sudden Death of a Loved One”-by Brook Noel and Pamela D. Blair, PhD
    “Surviving the Death of a Sibling”-by T. J. Wray(Living Through Grief When an Adult Brother or Sister Dies)
    “The Grief Recovery Handbook, 20th Anniversary Expanded Edition”, by John W. James and Russell Friedman
    Many other books are also available.
    I am moved to try to help others who are suffering with grief and to assist in prevention efforts in the future.
    I wish you love and peace, and hope that one day you can experience joy once again.

  12. All the feels and more that you describe are very accurate and hard to cope with at the same time. I lost my partner of 25 years to suicide
    in November 2014. He told me he was going to the store and that was the last time I saw him. After calling his cell phone all night, he called me at 7:45 am. Forever timestamped on my phone and he told me he was dying, he sounded drunk to me and I kept asking him where he was. At that point he either hung up the phone or he died, I will never know, they found him the next day in our truck dead. This for me has been a very long lonely road over the past 3 years, I could give you a million reasons why he took his own life, but that doesn’t heal anything. The feelings of abandonment are very real, if he had died any other way I could have understood that, I could have wrapped my mind around it. But suicide is so unnatural that wrapping your mind around it never happens. This event in my life has made me very closed off. I couldn’t imagine having another relationship with anyone, I will never put myself out that way ever again. Those are the scars of suicide, and you have to learn to live with those scars, My kids are my rock, he wasn’t their biological father, but he had been in their lives from a very young age. I am moving forward in my life, because I have no choice. But I will be moving forward on my own.

  13. OMG, I just watched the 60 Minutes segment about brain injury to soldiers who have experienced an explosion. Apparently the blast wave causes injuries all throughout the brain.This can cause cognitive deterioration, leading to PTSD symptoms, mental illness, etc. IS THIS WHY MY SON TOOK HIS LIFE? I guess I will never know, and I have no brain tissue of his to test…

  14. SOBS is Survivors of bereavement through suicide……. I had identical twins, no history of depression, just to many disappointments, to many hopes dashed and the death of their father, through illness in 2014. Became to much to bear. One died in 2016 age 29 and the other twin age 30, just couldnt live without his other half. Even in death they both went the same way. Each day the pain is just so unbearable. I to am thankful to have found the helpline Sobs, after my first twin died.

  15. We Lost my oldest brother to suicide 7/11/16. He was 35. Left 2 boys here, now 8 and 5.
    Worst day of my life. As the story goes for everyone who suffers and lives through it. The whole day on repeat in my mind’s quietest times. The what ifs, the what could I have done? What I shouldn’t have done. Or said. The list goes on and on. I will never forget anything about him or that day..He was the 1st born I 2nd born of 3 boys and 1 girl the youngest. He was like a father at times, dad worked 3rd at a prison, Mom until 6 pm as a nurse. He was in charge of us alot. It’s the day before my mother’s birthday. Which pisses me off. They were close and if anything she prolonged his life, or his willingness to stay anyway. Looking back though, there were plenty red flags. Strange comments about death, or how he “crashed his car because the fell asleep at the wheel due to sleep apnea problems…( having shared a bedroom for years with this person I can attest to the vast array of noises he made in his sleep the snoring and teeth grinding omg!) But later insinuating that’s just what he told the police. He was never treated or diagnosed with anything related to mental health disorders. But in hindsight he was probably depressed and had some serious self esteem issues, very moody at times for long stretches. Perhaps bipolar? I’m not a Dr, so I can only draw conclusion based on research and experience with Him. So I’m speculating I suppose. He was jealous and overprotective at times. Very jealous especially when I started getting girlfriends in high school. He was always overweight, He told me once, ” So, Doc tells me I’m “morbidly obese”.” He used air quotes. He developed diabetes from my understanding, Neuropathy in his hands and feet. I Dont know how bad it was, He made it so we didn’t want to ask him about his health anymore. Would get defensive and argumentative. “Why does everyone care about my weight?! I don’t give a shit! So why do you?” Is just an example of a line he liked to give. So….we stopped asking much. Then started asking if anything happens to him will I help his wife with the boys. Asked that a few times. I just figured he meant bc of his weight and diabetes. Maybe heart attack. He talked shit about suicide growing up so I never thought he would ever kill himself. Ive called him a moody bitch to be honest. His temperment irritated me. The up and down all the time. The silent treatments. The f yous’ and I hate yous’. Going for the jugular in arguments. His laziness, and apathy, he didn’t get along with my girlfriend/ wife/mother of my kids for years. Really kinda both their fault. But still. Gave me a hard time with every girl I dated bc it took time away from Him… Would eat my food when we had an apartment together. Wouldn’t clean the bathroom. And all the bullshit issues that siblings who really couldn’t be much closer have with each other. He is so much more than that to me. The day He shot himself changed my attitude my feelings my thoughts about him, forever. He was my best friend from the start. We did so much together. He introduced me to so many things. I’m a die-hard football fan (raiders nfl and wolverines NCAA). He put me onto the raiders bc of Bo Jackson, my first son is named Jackson. He is the reason for the type of music I like, the movies and video games i like. Our sense of humor. Nobody could make me laugh and hurt like He could. We could look at each other and know what was happening inside the others head. Have these long drawn out jokes that we would be fueled by the other, usually at the expense of some verbally inferior friend. He somehow convinced me that I should want to help him with his chores or eat the food he didn’t like for dinner so he could be excused. Go climb the shed…it’s only ice and snow on the ground it won’t hurt if you fall. I fell…..it hurt but no harm done. Sure was funny as hell to see the look of suprised bewilderment on his face. “omg are you ok?” Only to fall over in laughter after I confirmed my well being. Very funny indeed. He pulled the car antenna from my right eye socket after I fell chasing a kid with it ( by some crazy luck It missed my eye entirely by some small fraction of an inch. ) He had the great idea to play 3 man football with a piece of gravel while waiting for the bus on the first day of school. I ended up with a deep 4 stitch gash on the top of my head. First person I told when lost my virginity. Told him about my first son the day after his 2nd son was born. So much more I cannot fit here now. I was supposed to watch our kids do these things together. Teach them about life and things like respect, hard work, determination, and star wars , football, and girls. Now I can’t and his widow has a newborn with another guy and I barely see my nephew’s bc I can’t stand but feel terrible for them and Him and myself and my family. I treat them as my own with love and support. But I miss him terribly, I will forever. And I want to cry when I look at his boys. I do cry sometimes when I look at mine. How could he do this to his boys to us. I don’t tell my wife how much I actually do cry for him still. I don’t want her to worry. It’s a terrible thing to have to live through and no amount of time will ever heal me from this damage that He left inside. The way my life was changed through his action is something I could never have predicted. Truth is i took my brother for granted bc of precieved squabbles or issues or simple different opinions or character traits. I would do anything to see him again. Just to hug him and tell him I love him and thank him for helping me become who I am in so many ways. I chose to remember all of it. I want to feel pain and regret and sarrow and all that bc its real. It was the reality of our relationship and the abrupt end. It makes the memories the feelings of love and happiness feel real. The traded stories between family and friends that bring smiles bc he created those memories for and with us. He was a flawed human being, far from perfect, but He was an amazing person/son/brother/husband/father in his own way. I will miss him until my turn on Earth is up. He will always be on my mind. And that is ok because we loved each other no matter what when he was alive. And he knew that. Wherever it is we go when our souls leave our body. I’ll be sure to punch him in the face and tell him how shitty it was after he killed himself. And hug him and tell him how much I missed him and how much he meant to me. He was my best friend from the start. And I miss him terribly. I will forever. And His name is Frankie. I’ve never posted anything like this before so I appreciate the space and time. Love your family and friends. Even if they piss you off. Bc they will. But love them anyway and tell them.

  16. I just lost my 91 year old mother to an overdose suicide has devastated me, we had a stupid disagreement over supper then in the course of the night she got up and took her pain pills along with her cough syrup with codeine, she lived with me full time for eleven months the quilt laying on my shoulders is terrible, the ER doctor to,d it wasn’t my fault but I’m full of what if’s, i can’t stop crying over her loss I miss her so much, my dad passed away 18 years ago and she’s never got over his passing which left her depressed.

  17. I wish I could have read it all, maybe I will go back and read it when I am stronger. My oldest grandchild hung herself on January 28, 2018. She was 19. She was always a dramatic moody girl. Her upbringing was fraught with addicted parents and grandparents. I feel i brought the most stability to her life when she was in kindergarten…in a short span of time she was enrolled in 2 different kindergarten schools— and I told my daughter…you cannot do this—you got away with it when she was a baby but she needs stability now-she needs to be in the same school and so my daughter and granddaughter moved in with me. Stability was maintained until puberty hit…I cannot even remember all that happened ”’it was so fast…I was working to support everyone and every one had their own needs and everything went every which way.. I met someone and moved to Vancouver and my daughter stayed in the place I rented for 20 years–then my daughter–oh forget it it.. I didnt see or talk to my granddaughter in over 2 years,maybe three–she flipped out at her mother and went to live with some white trash…last time I saw her she was playing volley ball at evergreen- igave her some clothes that i bought for my self but were better suited for her–oh God the dtails are for not anyway…we lost touch i couldnt hansle that teenage shit..I was old and very tired. she probaably neever thought of me but I always thought of her but didnt want to get too involvled and now she is dead.

  18. My only child took his own life. How does a parent deal?

  19. My son had love and hope

    • I too have lost my only child. My husband and I tried to get pregnant for 5 years and we considered him our little a miracle. He was a perfect son and I would thank God everyday for him. We almost like we felt he was too good for us. To answer your question, I do not know! He took his life on April 8, 2017. I have his 25th birthday is 3/21 and then the anniversary of his death. Everything is starting to feel fresh again just like the days after it happened. I can’t stop thinking about him, 24 hours a day – I miss him so much.

  20. The first post sounds so much like mine. My husband of 54 years ended his life on December 4, 2017. He too suffered a damaging childhood that he never seemed to recover from. His “love receiver” was broken despite loads of people who loved, respected, enjoyed him, and honoured him. I chased him our whole marriage but never seemed to reach his deepest empty space. Only God could and as much as God loved him, my husband could not receive God’s love either. He gave his heart to God, though, walls and all. He refused to seek help because I suspect he doubted anyone really cared or could change his feelings. Now I find myself lost to me and in need of great repair.

  21. Just a week ago today, my ex boyfriend killed himself. He was only 17 years old. The last 6 weeks of his life, I haven’t spoken to him. We dated for about 6 months, but he couldn’t handle a stable relationship or stay committed to one girl (me). He would talk about how he wants to die and wants the pain to end, but I would always talk him out of it and say how he has so much potential. He only has to get thru one more year of high school. He’s not alone, and if he were to go thru with something like this, he would deeply affect many people such as his family and friends. He didn’t see how loved and appreciated he truly was. He hurt me, this unfortunate situation doesn’t justify his actions. I put my all into him, I made him promise me that no matter what happens, he won’t give up on himself. But he kept pushing me away, lied to me, proved unloyal, I had no choice but to let go. I was losing my happiness trying to make him happy. He had a hard family life, and now that I think more about this, maybe he needed love and affection from multiple girls because he wasn’t secure in himself and didn’t receive that kind of love at home. He made all of us girls feel special, as if we were the only ones, so we would give him everything we had to offer. Despite everything, he never deserved to lose his life. He was multi-talented. Played basketball, cooked, smart at computers. He wanted to either become a computer engineer or a fashion designer,. He had so many dreams, to become a professional basketball player, or a vlogger on YouTube. He didn’t believe in himself tho. Although we weren’t compatible together, I never stopped loving and caring about his well being. I hoped that one day he’d find happiness and security in himself, so one day he could’ve learned and been secure in the right girl, the right way. I never lost someday that I was so close to before. We talked everyday, he was my first for a lot of things. We made so many unforgettable memories. All I’m doing right now is trying to make sense of all of this. The way he died is tragic. He jumped in front of a train. What triggered him to do such a thing? What were his last few thoughts? Last people he thought of? Did he plan this? All of these unanswered questions. I lose focus in school, I can’t get him out of my head. I feel so bad for his family. His memorial was 3 days ago, and I’m not a good public speaker, but I still spoke in front of everyone to pay my respects to him and his family, because I know that was the right thing to do. It hasn’t gotten easier, there’s so many fagors to this. It wasn’t just all fun and games with us, we have a history, we’ve been thru a lot, but at the end of the day he was a human being with a family and friends who loved him endlessly. He always made everyone around him happy, cracked a joke or put people before himself. Now is the time where despite our differences. we all need to come together and support one another in hard times like these. All of my thoughts are jumbled right now, it’s so hard to comprehend this. All I have are the memories to hold onto now. He’ll never graduate high school, or go into college like he wanted to do. He had so much going for him. I learned from all this, to never take any moment or person for granted. Because you never know what day may be their last, or what may be their making or breaking point. Be kind to everyone, even if they seem happy, because you never know what a person is going thru behind closed doors.

  22. I am very sorry for everyone here and their losses! I understand how catastrophic, and hard suicide is on the Survivors left to grieve. Unfortunately I have felt this loss myself several times. Through loss of Family to suicide, as Well as My husband 5 yrs ago, then again when my Fiance took his life a little over one year ago. There are not enough resources and trained support for the Survivors in my opinion. I have had a very hard time trying to cope with these losses. The loss of my fiance last year being even more traumatizing for me, as I had found his body after receiving a text from him telling me what he was about to do. The officers told me my fiance must have been gone for 20 minutes or so, it had taken me that long to arrive home and try and stop him. He had also used one of my own personal firearms to shoot himself in the mouth. The way I found him is etched in my mind, and will probably never go away. I have frequent nightmares of that evening, as well as dreams that it never happened…only to wake to the grief of remembering he is really gone. It was hard for me to speak of to anyone at first. Especially when I could tell some only showed interest in there own curiosity rather then out of care for my well being. Then there were the unsolicited opinions of others about how my beloved being “Selfish” Weak, or other things that only enraged me or caused me to become even more isolated, quiet then finally cut myself out of the outside world all together. I had to seek out support from a website specifically catering to Survivors of such loss, though it wasn’t a trained therapist or Dr. I myself had began making plans to take my own life, when I couldn’t deal with the constant Stress and deep depression that has taken over. And even though I realized all too well how family and friends would feel if I died, I couldn’t cope anymore. And I also did not want to burden anyone else again about my feelings and be done with this. I have been tormented, stalked, and blamed by my late Fiance’s friends and family. Accused of harming him because, my late Husband had also died by suicide with a gun. There aren’t enough resources or even training for professionals on these matters. It is something that has to change. I hope one day to live through this, carry on, and possibly get myself together enough to help others. Even if it is only one person who is suffering this way? Or even help someone else change their mind about taking their own lives. For now? All I can do is hope to LIVE!!

    • Hello Sky? If you are reading this I hope you respond back. My heart just dropped when I read your post, because I am feeling the exact same way. My fiance and I were sitting on the couch watching tv until he suddenly shut the tv off, cuddled me very silently for half an hour, then pulled a gun out from nowhere and shot himself while I was trying to pull it off of his head. This was almost 5 years ago. I found out I was pregnant a week later. I feel like I am literally going crazy and have no one to turn to. I have had his friends and family blame me, and just cannot get over him. I feel like i have been scarred for life and have not gone to counseling. I am from a small town and tried to go to a counselor, and in our first meeting his exact words were “so if he killed himself 3 months ago, why are you suddenly here now?” I knew he would never understand and just walked out without a word. If you are reading this please email me at [email protected] I would really like to even just talk to you and I would really like to listen. Thanks

  23. I just came across this still trying to come to terms with the loss of my father in June. Telling our story and acknowledging it happened seems to be my way to grieve.
    I live fours away. At 2 am on June 12th, my boyfriend’s phone rang. My sister in law said for me to call my mom. “It’s important!” He hung up and told me. My nerves were already sent in spirals. I have three brothers, my papa, nieces, nephews, my in law’s , daddy…if it was important and at 2 am I knew something was wrong. I called my mom’s phone. My brother answered. I said what’s going on. He said “Matt ( my dad, his stepdad) shot himself.” I was just stuck. “What?” Is all I could think to say. “You’re dad shot himself. He’s in surgery now.” I had to hand the phone to my boyfriend. I couldn’t relay that. I just immediately dead faced, began packing our bags.
    It wasn’t until I got there that I made someone tell me exactly what happened. I felt a NEED to know.
    Back story. My dad had a rough life coming up. His parents split. My mom kept him from his dad until her was old enough to move in with him. Though that didn’t stop him from loving the heck out of his children (2 stepsons, me and my little brother) and loving my mom for 26 years. He had recently had a drug problem. Didn’t stop him from being awesome. I say that because it wasn’t known at the time. We did some snooping in his room while he was in the hospital. By going through his phone it was clear it was an everyday thing. He had text his dealer the Friday before it happened and never got a reply or phone call back.
    Back to hearing exactly what happened. (After piecing together that he was having withdrawals all weekend) Sunday came and my mom said around 12 pm he left the house. He didn’t come back until 8 and was heavily intoxicated. She said she wasn’t sure how he even made it home. He continued to drink and started arguing with her so she walked out of the bedroom and into the family area and sat on the couch. About 5 minutes later, my dad walked into the room pointed a small caliber pistol point blank at my mother’s head and pulled the trigger. The gun didn’t go off (It was his mother’s gun and I’ve never seen it fires in my lifetime because something was wrong with the firing pin) In pure shock my mom could only sit there. He immediately went back into the bedroom right next to the family room and my mom could hear him getting so angry at the gun. He was slamming it down and pulling the trigger. Moments later it went off. My mom heard it hit the ground so she ran in the room. My dad had fallen back onto the bed. She didn’t know what happened until she ran to him. My mom’s dad lives with them and he called 911.
    Before the ambulance or cops got there my poor baby brother. (23) was stopping by to get something to eat. When he stepped out of his truck he could hear the sirens and saw the front door open. When he got inside my papa told him. He went into my parents room thinking it was a body shot.
    My mom and brother held his hands and my dad said he was so sorry and that he loved us. My mom said he kept saying “Tell me to hold on. Tell me that you need me here.” HE WAS TALKING TO THEM! Trying to stand but my mom wouldn’t let him. He even told the cops what happened. Talked to the ambulance people. My mom said he was talking until they closed the doors to the ambulance.
    One cop that secured the pistol took it down the road (because there was still one bullet in the gun.and my brother told him it didn’t work) The officer fired it 67 times and the second bullet never fired.
    When we finally got to the hospital at 6 am. My mom hadn’t been able to see my dad. He had just come out of surgery to relieve pressure in his brain. She hadn’t seen him since they left her house.
    When we could finally go back into the STICU he didn’t look himself. Very thick bandage wrapped what had to be 500 times around his head. He was swollen.
    The next day was a family meeting. Most know how doctors are. They can’t you 100% anything so sometimes you’re left thinking, There is hope though! We chose to push forward. Started dialysis for his kidneys. He was on a ventilator. Blood pressure medicine. Heavy sedation and paralyss medication. Every day, every nurse “Any changes?” As that’s my daddy you hear them say the pressure went from 50 to 40 and you think that’s good. But you can hear it in their voice it’s not.
    We had our first family conference on Monday. Wednesday the hospital Chaplin came in. I didn’t like it at all. Friday, no changes. Another family conference was called. They told us they could see he had suffered at least 12 stroked since being put on the ventilator. My heart shattered. My mom didn’t want to let go. I didnt. People pull through these things, you read miracles all the time. Something inside me knew it wouldn’t happen. My dad wouldn’t want to live that way. My mom couldn’t do it…so I had to have a conversation.you never want to have with your mother. We decided as a family that we would keep him with us through the following Sunday. ( Father’s Day) Putting a time on my father’s life is something that still clings to my mind. We got him a card and balloons. My boyfriend bought him socks so his feet would stay warm. (My dad hated being cold) We got him a camp bandana to cover the gauze. He was a welder so he always wore a bandang under the welding cap. On Monday at about 5:30 with my mom, brothers, his brother and myself all by his side the nurses took out the tube. Four minutes he was gone. Really gone. Watching my mom beg him to fight and wake up. It took all my siblings to hold her up and keep her from tugging on him. He was gone. I told my brothers to take her out of the room. I would stay. I would sign the paper work to release him.
    Reading his death certificate made it all very real. I know and my family knows it wasn’t him that made that decision that night. That wasn’t my daddy. Not the hero I knew. The one that raised me, held my hand through life. Not him. I wish I could see him. My daughter had just turned one. We had her birthday party the day before the incident. My parents couldnt make it because of an unreliable vehicle and money issues. I want him to see her walk and talk.
    My younger brother’s son is three. His papa was his bestfriend. He says he so far away in heaven. He asks my mom why she cries. She says she misses papa and my nephew tells her “Daddy does too” He saw my dad’s hat sitting in the room and said papa needs his hat. He doesn’t go anywhere without it. I’m just still so lost. He was just the best man in the world and know I’m 26 without my father. My nieces and nephews witour their Papa. My mom without her husband.
    I’m sorry for details. This runs through my head everyday. Every single day. I wake up to remind myself he’s not a phone call away anymore. I’ll never get one of those hugs that last forever. Every time I visited home he’d say “I miss you, Ash but you guys are doing a great job.”
    HE had so many friends and family that loved him.
    *I miss you everyday, daddy. Love, your babygirl”

  24. My son ended his life two days after Christmas this last year. He had just turned 20 ten days before. I am in my year of “firsts”. This is a good article and I can relate to most of it. I cringe when I hear “committed” suicide.
    committed
    [kuh-mit-id]
    adjective
    bound or obligated to a person or thing, as by pledge or assurance; devoted:
    People who take their life don’t want to die, they are desperate and see no other way to end their pain, or end the pain they feel they are causing people they love.
    I also cringe when I hear “completed” suicide. It sounds as if the person had been working on a project or goal and finally finished it. Usually completing something is seen as an accomplishment. I think one of the hardest thing for me has been the feelings of isolation that have come from others not knowing how to allow me to be where I am in my grieving while at the same time not leaving me alone in my grief. The reality is if you have not experienced it you just cannot understand….and that is truly a good thing.

    • Hey Jill my name is house i am 24 years old as of today. My best friends and little brother who was 22 shot himself in front of me. We had been drinking and he pulled over for drunk driving. He thought he was doing us a favor bc he didn’t want to disappoint us anymore. Not a day goes bye i don’t think about him every second and am depress. This happend 6 weeks ago today. Would love to hear from u and understand these kind of things. My heart goes out to especially knowing how much his pain feels. It is harder for me to wake up somedays And I’m sure it hurts u. I am going to start something to help people in need. Thank u Houston

  25. At fifteen my best friend of 7 years committed suicide, at an age too young to fully comprehend the choice she had made i spiralled uncontrollably. At 16 i was a dependant drug addict struggling with severe anxiety, depression and ptsd, by the age of 17 i was in and out of trouble with the law and in a dangerous abusive relationship,and by the age of 18 i was a single parent. times were extremely hard following the death of someone with whom i had made so many plans! suicide can have such a devastating impact on the lives of those who are left behind, feelings of anger, grief, betrayal, confusion and hurt are normal, however when left unspoken can warp someones world into the depths of hell. SUICIDE can kill those still living every day and there needs to be more resources to turn to in order to prevent this! so much could have been done to prevent my friends death, as an adult looking back its hard not to miss this! And to anyone either grieving a loss or contemplating the worse, as cliche as it my sound it truly can get better, become a survivor of your past! in the 5 years since my loss i have been lower than i thought possible , but with the right help i am now blossoming into the person i should have always been, at 20 i am now a recovered addict of 2 years, i am a mother to the most beautiful little soul i have ever had the honour to welcome into my life, i am studying to become a nurse, i am happy. there are days where i am sad, and everyday i still think about and miss someone who was once my only friend, but i am happy.

  26. my husband and best friend of 30 years ended his life august 2016. there was no autopsy so i will never know for certain what was going on inside his brain & body. it appeared that his chemistry was altered negatively after two months on a prescription he was given for his enlarged prostate. the Rx worked great for his prostate BUT my happy laid back 66 year old surfer (who ran circles around many of his younger friends) started having panic attacks, anxiety and depression. we discussed this with the urologist who prescribed the Rx who informed us to cut back on the medication and discussed a surgical alternative which was our plan. we stopped the prostate medication and tried to rid his body of any of the drug’s lingering residue. we immediately went to another doctor for a physical and bloodwork which only yielded positive results about his health. this 2nd doctor just followed their protocols and threw anxiety and depression meds at him. if only, i had pushed harder to get more tests done on his brain. i will never know if there was a tumor that caused this or maybe his choice to end his life was a side-effect from the depression meds he was given. a part of me is glad that he is no longer suffering but i feel like his anxiety and depression have been transferred to me. i’m tough and am facing this head on in hopes that i can find joy again but it is a struggle. i don’t discuss how his life ended with most people because even some of my closest friends feel the need to share their unsolicated opinion of suicide and frankly my dear . . .

  27. I say my brother took his life bc killed himself feels rude. 2 years today I’ll be writing about him today on idoltrash.com ty for this

    • I’m so sorry Aibon. The anniversary, or death-i-versary, or crap-i-versary or whatever you want to call it, is hard year after year. Thank you for your language suggestion. I agree, ‘took his life’ sounds a little less harsh than ‘killed himself’.

  28. I lost my partner to suicide in June 2016. I found his body. It was the most horrific experience but I would rather it was me that found him than anyone else. I am now going through intense therapy as I have been diagnosed with PTSD caused by what happened. It’s so hard because I want to be thinking about our memories and time together and I want to be able to grieve but I feel like I can’t because of the ptsd every time I think of him everything is clouded by horrible images. I feel like I’m not able to grieve properly.

  29. My son lost his battle with Bipolar disorder a year ago. I am still struggling and fighting mine. I don’t think how you word things matters as they are all just gone. My heart is broken and I don’t think it will ever heal! I have experienced so much loss as I was 14 when I got pregnant and the love of my life died when I was 5 months pregnant. The day I lost my son, I relived all of the grief of losing his father all over again and the grief of losing my son. I don’t think saying my son committed suicide is any different than saying his father died in a car wreck. All I can say is no matter how you say it, they are both gone and never coming back and I am left here wishing I was with them!!

  30. my husband killed himself in front of me with a pistol to the head. we got in a huge fight because he was so drunk, i blamed myself for the fight but i dont know , he knew what he was doing and it started the fight. i have a terrrible temper and i simply wanted him to sober up. it killed him , the gun might have ended his life but he was ready to die. he knew he was dying from the alcohol. i loved him and i do not think it is a selfish disease and i truly dont think it will ever stop because no one talks anymore and no one listens anymore. i am really down right now so my comments are not to refreshing,

  31. My only Son Sean died Mother’s Day night or very early Monday morning. He had just got back from officer development school for 5 wks. He graduated that on May 6 th. We went to R.I. To watch his graduation. My son was a third year medical student. He was at our house for Mother’s Day & then left for USC/Keck Medical school. He was to start s new rotation & his 4th year Monday. He was worried about where to met up with his class. After he was gone for the 5 wks & his professor didn’t answer his emails. When I texted him off & on Monday & none of my text were read I knew something wasn’t right. When his father died in 2007 of cancer. Our rule between us was don’t worry the other one. By Tuesday after his stepfather & I made tons of calls the police were called. They entered into the apartment to find him hanging. I had no idea Medical students & physicians are 4 times likely to kill themselves then the general population. Plus they are the most successful because of there training.

    I understand the word killed himself is hard for some to say but I see it like this for me. My son could not have been in his right mind to kill himself. I don’t say committed because it sounds like he is guilty of something. No way was that true. He didn’t commit a crime he was mentally out of it. This is why I chose to say he killed himself by suicide. Then I explain it to people what happened. I know each of us have our own journey. No two are the same I say do what feels right for you. It’s painful enough without having to worry how to phrase something when you talk about your loved one.
    My son never ever showed any depression to no one. It was such a shock to me, his stepfather & other family. Plus the friends and any of his professor’s. It’s the Medical schools dirty little secret. The day he died my husband was told to name a price & not to worry about the amount. Imagine that in the first few hours of finding out your son is dead being offered money. More than likely hush money to me. We said no thank you because no money could ever bring my son Sean Petro back. I plan on shouting it from the roof tops to spread the word about Medical students & Physcians suicides.

  32. On August 28th my boyfriend shot himself in the head in front of me. My heart Stopped the moment i seen the gun right before i put it to his head. i screamed his name and ran towards him . it is still all so not real to me . I dont want to accept that this is it . we were not fighting . we were happy going to get married. it plays over and over in my head i get a little closer each time . His eyes never leave mine , I even tried to catch his body. I see him everywhere i go , i use to love it when he would look at me and smile only now he is not smiling . I miss him so much i want this nightmare to be over

  33. My precious son suffered from Bipolar Disorder, his told me there is no hell, hell is here on this earth ! His ex-fiancé tormented him and stalked him and sent him a sms telling him to do everyone a favour and kill himself.
    I moved him back to our home after his 2nd attempt and also sent him to a rehab centre in KZN. I watched and kept vigil for 9 months barely sleeping at night, he suffered so much, he could not sleep, the medication for his Bipolar did not work, sleeping pills up to 6 did not work at all ! I sat with him for hours each night talking, he told me that I would have to accept that he could not carry on in this world, he felt like an outcast, did not fit in or belong. His so called friends mocked him when he did not drink calling him names, alcohol does not help Bipolar at all, they had seen it. Sadly one night I slept through the night and my son completed suicide, nothing could have prepared me for the pain, grief or sorrow that I still go through, the total lack of empathy. Family have forgotten him, never say his name. It’s as if he did not exist ! People have said shocking things to me, I now lash out and tell them that until they have walked in my shoes they know nothing. I am asked am I over it ? What is it ?! Am I better ? I feel immense anger and I know I am not the same person, how could I be. I tried and have no guilt feelings because I did all I could for him, but dear God since he died a part of me died too ! The sun does not shine anymore and there are days I wish I was dead too. Our family has been shattered in pieces, it’s always that empty chair, no future with him in it. His sister suffers from Bipolar too and misses him terribly – I also lost my first baby girl only after 10 days – so I find life very hard, and cannot enjoy myself or seem to be able to come to terms with this awful empty, sad and bereft feeling. How am I supposed to get over it ? I am harsh with idiots who say the wrong things I tell them to get lost, to leave me alone ! They say other’s have worse things happen to them, is that helpful ? May God help me get through another day as each day is a challenge and no one knows just what his death has done to my soul.

    • No…it is not helpful for people to tell you others have worse things happen to them. If that were something you would find comfort in, you would have arrived upon that conclusion yourself – I am so sorry for the lack of understanding and empathy you have found in the world. You have experienced immense losses, and I am not at all surprised that you have not gotten over them. You will never “get over” them per se, instead life will hopefully get easier as you learn to live with them. Have you considered a support group or speaking to a counselor? The right counselor could help to provide a supportive and nonjudgmental place to work through all the complicated experiences and emotions your dealing with. Also, the right support group could provide an environment of people who (in some ways, but not all) understand where you’ve been. I wish there was more we could do to help from all the way across the Internet 🙁 I do believe the National Alliance on Mental Illness has support groups as well as the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. My thoughts are with you.

  34. My precious son suffered from Bipolar Disorder, his told me there is no hell, hell is here on this earth ! His ex-fiancé tormented him and stalked him and sent him a sms telling him to do everyone a favour and kill himself.
    I moved him back to our home after his 2nd attempt and also sent him to a rehab centre in KZN. I watch and kept vigil for 9 months barely sleeping at night, he suffered so much, he could not sleep, the medication for his Bipolar did not work, sleeping pills up to 6 did not work at all ! I sat with him for hours each night talking, he told me that I would have to accept that he could not carry on in this world, he felt like an outcast, did not fit in or belong. His so called friends mocked him when he did not drink calling him names, alcohol does not help Bipolar at all, they had seen it. Sadly one night I slept through the night and my son completed suicide, nothing could have prepared me for the pain, grief or sorrow that I still go through, the total lack of empathy. Family have forgotten him, never say his name. It’s as if he did not exist ! People have said shocking things to me, I now lash out and tell them that until they have walked in my shoes they know nothing. I am asked am I over it ? What is it ?! Am I better ? I feel immense anger and I know I am not the same person, how could I be. I tried and have no guilt feelings because I did all I could for him, but dear God since he died a part of me died too ! The sun does not shine anymore and there are days I wish I was dead too. Our family has been shattered in pieces, it’s always that empty chair, no future with him in it. His sister suffers from Bipolar too and misses him terribly – I also lost my first baby girl only after 10 days – so I find life very hard, and cannot enjoy myself or seem to be able to come to terms with this awful empty, sad and bereft feeling. How am I supposed to get over it ? I am harsh with idiots who say the wrong things I tell them to get lost, to leave me alone ! They say other’s have worse things happen to them, is that helpful ? May God help me get through another day as each day is a challenge and no one knows just what his death has done to my soul,

  35. My son died by suicide on jan 30,2015. He felt he had no choice. His wife was going to leave him and told him to do everyone a favor and kill himself. He had 3 children a son 20 and two daughters 14 and 5, I had been with him all week and thought we made progress then I got the call from him that he loved me and not to let his 14 year old daughter in the house after school. I begged him and told him I would be right over. Well he put a suicide not on Facebook that I didn’t see and showed up to ambulance and police cars all over the street. My daughter in law was in her car and I was told to pull over and when I said who I was I was told he had died. I just remember getting out of the car and falling to my knees crying no. I still relive it all the time. Now I don’t really get to see the grandkids and she has moved on. This is really hard.

  36. I lost my son to suicide going on three years this coming Sept. He had been a drug addict for years. He started doing drugs at 17. His habit went from drinking to smoking pot and pills. He married and had two children. His wife and him started using heroin and his wife overdosed and died. After many rehabs had failed and continued non support from my family members he decided to live with them. They just let him do drugs and watched him have many stunts in jail. The drug use continued to what ever drug he could get. One morning he woke up and started drinking heavily. He took my fathers rifle, called 911 and told them he was going to take his life. As the police came to the door he pulled the trigger. He took his life in front of both my parents. I had been raising his two children since there mothers passed. I kept them away from all the dis functional drama since they were 1-2 years old. They were 14-15 when he took his life. They met there dad the day we buried him. Because I was protecting his children we only had phone communication. The guilt I carry because of that decision has been just eating at me. I know I tried with all my heart and soul to help him. He just refused any help. I have been in counseling and It has helped with my grief. I keep going back trying to figure out how I could have changed this tragic outcome. My family blames me because I kept his children from him. Not to be mean or as a punishment but to give his children a calm structured life. They are both doing very well. I am so proud of them both. Its just I miss and love and regret so much now. I second guess every choice I have made now. Is my family right? Is it my fault? God this hurts so badly. I loved my son with all my heart. I had never tried so hard to help and failed. I guess this is the after math of what suicide leaves behind. I know now after reading many books that my son had depression in his early teens. In the 80’s depression was not understood like it is now. I know I tried and loved him more than my own life. I pray for his peace. Thank you for your blog. It has helped. Bless you ?

  37. I’d like to see an article about surviving being blamed for someone else’s suicide. I had 2 friends hang themselves, the later I found and had 2 cut down. 2 yrs later some people in town still call me the black widow.

  38. My only son took his life in the morning of January 1, 2013. I am functioning pretty well now, but of course the pain is still there. Unfortunately, every year everyone is so happy and celebrating the New Year, while I am re-living his death. I am often angry at him for ruining New Year’s for me, and for abandoning me. My siblings and I are taking care of my mom now – but who is going to be there to take care of me?

    • Sue, Anger is a common emotion after a suicide loss and I am sure New Year’s is especially hard. The holidays are hard regardless after a loss, and I am sure this is only further complicated by the fact that it is the anniversary of when he took his life.

  39. I lost a spouse to suicide. He used a firearm and made me watch. I am still ‘grieving’ the loss of his life as well as mine the way I knew it. Suicide has left me with intense anxiety, triggers are everywhere, agoraphobia is getting worse as the years pass and I feel guilt for not being able to change the outcome of this nightmare that entered my world at 21 yrs old. He left behind two children: one of them our 16 month old daughter. I struggle with depression, PTSD, anxiety, flashbacks, insomnia, agoraphobia, social anxiety, and self blame. Suicide is unlike any other death. There is no one or nothing to blame but the person you loved most. That leaves you questioning every aspect of your life. It ruins relationships, and it truly changes your view on life as well as the way people view you. By the grace of God I am still here fighting the fight against suicide and our then so youg baby is now halfway through college as she graduated early and onto her dream of being a special effects make up designer. So proud of her and me! Rip weary souls and much love to all my fellow survivors. ❤

  40. Please remove my 2 posts under Mary Kral. Thank you.

    • Hey Mary,

      I am so sorry that you didn’t receive a meaningful response to your original post. Although we do monitor these comments, unless we are directly asked a question or addressed, many times we leave it to other commenters to respond. This is especially true on certain posts where we know that people are hoping to connect with others who have had similar experiences or who can relate. Please don’t take your lack of connection here as an indication that you are alone in all of this. Comment sections are really by nature very hit or miss as to whether the right person will come along and read all the comments and then respond back. Many people don’t even read comment sections by choice because they feel it’s too much. Online forums are far better places to try and connect with others online as typically every person is there to share, support one another, and connect. I will delete your other comments as you requested, but please let us know if you would like for us to recommend some forums if connecting with people online is still something that interests you.

      Sincerely,
      Eleanor

  41. I’ve have dealt with suicide twice in my life. My first when my fiance shot himself in front of me. I thought that would be the most traumatic thing that would ever happen to me. But no. The worst thing to ever happen is when my beautiful son did the same thing. My soul has been shattered and trying to pick myself up from this is a never ending struggle. The guilt is just a strong undercurrent flowing beneath the pain. He had just turned 20. I know if I would have been with him at the time it would never had happened. I am just starting to try to live my life again. Unfortunately things aren’t going so well.

  42. My best friend of 10 years killed herself 3 weeks ago. I know she had been struggling with anxiety and depression for the past 2 years and I always did everything I could to help her cope with her mental health issues. There were times when I knew she was really distressed because she would call or text me frequently to describe the way she was feeling. Anxiety and depression run in my family so I was able to offer her good advice and accept the way she was feeling without judging her. However, her mental health was clearly deteriorating the past year. It had gotten to the point where she wasn’t the same old friend anymore. It saddened me because I tried to help her and make her feel better but there was nothing I could do. Spending time with her wasn’t the same – it was almost like her eyes were glassed over and her physical body was present but her mind was elsewhere. This made me not want to spend as much time with her until she resolved her issues. I feel guilty for saying that now that she’s dead. She called me 2 days before she hung herself. When we spoke on the phone she explained to me that she had dropped out of school a few months back after she was hospitalized for a week after having a mental breakdown (and being officially diagnosed with bipolar disorder) and had moved home with her family and recently started a part-time job. I commended her for her efforts and told her that mental illness doesn’t have to be the end of your road. She was very smart and had aspirations of becoming a teacher or nurse. I told her that she was smart, strong and hard-working. She expressed to me that she was “so mad” that she had to deal with bipolar disorder for the rest of her life. I urged her to not look at it that way. I explained to her that there are millions of people living in the world with mental illness and many of them are functional and successful (as long as they take their medication and continue therapy). I reminded her that I am always here for her despite the fact we don’t see each other regularly (she was in school in DC and me in RI). I didn’t think anything much of that phone call because I assumed I would be seeing my friend the following week. It wasn’t until the Friday morning after that phone call with my friend that I received another phone call from her close cousin telling me that she had killed herself. When I received that news my body fell into shock. I began crying and shaking, I could barely eat anything. My mind could barely process what had just happened and my first thought was “I need to tell my family and close friends”. Luckily, when I received the horrible news, I was in the presence of my college roommates (who are also my best friends) they offered me so much love and support. Being in the presence of close friends and family has definitely helped me cope with my friend’s loss. The first few days after her death I was a wreck – I hate crying and I probably cried for 48 hours straight – it was mentally and physically exhausting. Once I attended the wake and funeral for my friend I felt much better and I felt a sense of closure. Sadly, this is not something that I will ever fully recover from. 3 weeks have passed since I lost my best friend and her loss hits me in waves. Just last night I was reading through old Facebook messages between the two of us, admiring our funny and witty conversations, and it really hit me that I will never be able to have another conversation with her again. And then I started crying again. Luckily my mother was home and was able to hold me and reassure me it’s not my fault my friend killed herself. But it’s hard to not think “what if there was something else I could have done to help her”. I realize now that it is not my fault she killed herself.

  43. My son took his own life 3months ago at the age of 30. The pain is still intense. We are a family broken. We live with the what ifs and why’s everyday. I want to leave the town where we live. Everywhere reminds me of him. I live in NZ, there is still great stigma around suicide here, and debate about how much should be reported in the media regarding the high suicide rates here. The powers that be are of the opinion the more that is reported, the more it may happen, ie copycat deaths. I wish it wasn’t this way and we could be open and a acknowledge what is a tragic epidemic here in NZ. Funding cuts to mental health services have done a great disservice to those who seek help before the act. We miss our son immensely. Still early day’s, but a friend who went through the same tragedy, said as a family, keep talking and supporting each other. I find getting out for long walks, and still talking to him help somewhat. Also being aware that social media can slap you in the face with memories your not quite ready for. I wish everyone on this grief journey well and have found this a good article to read. Thankyou

  44. Thank you for your posting. I have used your site many, many times as a chaplain and have referred so many other caregivers and bereaved to these helpful resources. Now, in the midst of my on journey through the wildness of grief, after the completion of suicide of my nephew this past Easter, I’m now numb and know many of these ‘truths’ will have new meaning in my life now and moving forward. Grateful. Journey on…

  45. My brother shot himself 13 months ago. He had been planning for almost a year. All business and paperwork was organized and his note told his wife where to find everything. My family barely speaks of the event and the lack of support from friends really surprised me. I need to find a support group, but that is difficult in the semi-rural area where I live.

  46. My 11 year old daughter died by suicide in January this year. She taklked abour ‘wanting to die’ six weeks before she died by suicide. This was her death.
    She was beautiful, talented, loved and happy. We are still shell shocked.
    We took her to her doctor. We got her to see a therapist. She made plans, danced, played piano. But she still died by suicide.
    It can happen ti anyone. Young adolecents are particularly at risk and need to be taught emotional resilance.
    That will be my gial to honour her.

    • Fiona
      I am so sorry about your daughter…I agree that life is so much more busy and complicated for young people today…they need to learn coping skills, but sadly many don’t and the madness of this technology, Facebook, etc keeps people from being really connected as they were in the past.
      Technology is good of course, but I think some young people and adults overuse it as a way to feel connected when in fact they are not…we NEED real connections with real people

  47. My brother killed himself last year he was 47 years old after battling depression and illness. I struggle daily coming to terms with what has happened to our family, I feel robbed of a future without my only sibling.
    I will say that most people avoid asking about how I am coping, and many friends have dropped of the radar, almost to the point where it is never mentioned. This is extremely difficult to deal with as you’ve always hope that your nearest and dearest will there for you in your darkest hours.

    I have joined a local support group (SOBS) and straight away I felt less alone and my mood is always lifted. It helps that others are experiencing the same emotions.
    I know my life is changed and I do wonder when I will find my zest for life again…

    • I am so sorry for the loss of your brother. My son was my daughter’s only sibling and they were so close…as a mom it makes me so sad as I am very close to my siblings.
      What does SOBS stand for? Is it just in your local area?

  48. my only son was one of those 41,149 he died by suicide 09/28/13
    from depression and compounded by substance abuse
    i miss him

    • I’m so sorry Rose. My heart goes out to you 🙁

    • I am so sorry Rose…my son suffered from anxiety and depression…he overdosed from heroin January 22, 2016…he knew this stuff could kill him as he overdosed before
      I feel the pain was too much for him and the drugs made it “better”
      I would be willing to guess that mental illness is behind most if not all drug overdoses…

  49. What is ALS please?

    • ALS, or amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, is a progressive neurodegenerative disease that affects nerve cells in the brain and the spinal cord. A-myo-trophic comes from the Greek language. “A” means no. “Myo” refers to muscle, and “Trophic” means nourishment – “No muscle nourishment.” When a muscle has no nourishment, it “atrophies” or wastes away. “Lateral” identifies the areas in a person’s spinal cord where portions of the nerve cells that signal and control the muscles are located. As this area degenerates it leads to scarring or hardening (“sclerosis”) in the region.
      A person with ALS loses their ability to walk, talk, swallow, move and breath. It is a horrible disease for which there is no cure nor treatment. The prognosis is 2-5 years from diagnosis.

  50. My little sister killed herself 10 years ago, she was 20. She was a heavy heroin user but had decided to get clean. I got a phone call from my parents to tell me she was in hospital, my first reaction was her partner had beat her up, which happened on a regular basis but when we got there they wouldn’t let me see her, we were put in a room to wait. The police came in to inform us that she hanged herself in a homeless unit, her partner found her and they tried to revive her. We were told that she was brain dead and wouldn’t gain consciousness, my parents turned her life support off at 11am and she held on until 11.35pm if she lasted another 25 minutes they would have switched the life support back on. I didn’t grieve at the time I put it to the back of my mind as my mum needed me, my husband was deployed with the army the year after and then came back with an injury so I just kept ignoring the signs so I can be the strong for everyone around me, now I have had a breakdown and am currently going through test as the doctors believe I have Chronic Fatigue. At my sisters 10 year anniversary it hit me like a brick and everything has just fallen apart, I am now trying to work through my feelings but it’s hard, but I do hope one day that I will be able to accept my sisters death and be able to move on, I will never forget her just don’t want it to hurt as bad.

    • Unresolved grief will catch up with you as you have found out.
      Time DOES not heal all wounds, it is the action you take (grief counselor/grief support group etc) Just as flat tire will remain flat unless you take action to mend it
      You can sit by that tire all day and it will not mend itself…same with a broken heart, take action to heal and you will feel better

  51. My brother killed himself in February 1986. He was 7 1/2 years older than me and he died eight days after my wedding and after having run off a month before. Although it’s been 30 years it’s affected everything I do and say. It affected my parenting, I attributed drugs to my brother’s death. He had been depressed and had emotional problems since he was very young and the problems were never addressed. This article means a lot to me. Thank you for that. I tried to commit suicide more than once, twice while he was alive and three times since then. My granddaughter keeps me alive now. We’re so close and the thought of her suffering because of my dying in that type of way keeps me alive.

  52. My mother was one of the 41,149 suicides in 2013, and this blog had been a huge part of my healing. I think all of this has been touched upon by your post and the comments, but some of the things I was unprepared for in grieving my mother’s suicide included:
    – How many people asked me (and continue to ask me) how my mother died; I think this is because I’m relatively young to have lost a parent (I was 27 when she died), but I didn’t really expect people to ask me outright. At first I was uncomfortable answering this question and used to tell half-truths about alcohol abuse and medication overdose, but now I’m completely honest with every person that asks me, because I want to do my part to reduce the stigma of suicide. (To be clear, I have no judgments of others who choose not to share this information about their loved one’s death, and I know there are lots of good reasons why people are not comfortable sharing something so personal.)
    – It sometimes felt like people revoked some of their sympathy after learning that my mother had died by suicide, as if the loss were somehow less profound and my grief was somehow less deserving of compassion and support.
    – Conflict with my family members, especially in the beginning. I wanted us to acknowledge as a family that my mom’s death had been intentional and not accidental, and I received a lot of push-back initially. After receiving the death certificate I had a friend who sometimes works in partnership with the medical examiner schedule a meeting with the medical examiner to get more information about how the cause of death was determined, and after receiving that information I spoke privately with each of my immediate family members to share what I had learned. We don’t really talk about it as a family, but I feel at peace knowing that there is a common understanding of how my mom died.
    – I never noticed it before, but people make a LOT of jokes about suicide (i.e., miming a gun tot he head, jokes about killing oneself, etc.). It typically doesn’t bother me too much, but it seems that I hear a suicide joke at least once a week. And that’s probably on the low end considering almost everyone in my life knows how my mom died and I’m sure people “police” themselves around me more as a result!
    – The sense of relief was a bit of a shock. My mother had attempted suicide twice before she finally succeeded, and I think I spent several years “waiting for the other shoe to drop”, so to speak. I would fly into a panic if my mom didn’t answer the telephone or if I received an unexpected phone call from a family member. I feel less scared now, and some peace knowing that my mom’s pain is over.
    – I’m a lot needier than I was before this loss. If any of you are familiar with the idea of attachment styles, it feels as though the loss of my mother completely obliterated any secure attachments I had and I feel stuck in this space of anxious attachment (fearful that small inconsequential things will ruin the relationship, excessive fear of abandonment, etc.). I think this may go back to this idea of rejection, which is something I’ve never really thought about before.
    – And finally, I am more committed than ever before to treating my own depression and making sure I make my mental health a priority.

  53. My husband took his life in Jan 2016. The pain has been so bad that at times it takes my breath away. Many of our friends neighbors and family has never contacted me. YES there is a stigma to suicide . Also grief for suicide doesn’t exist. I have truer to get help for the pain and grief but have no where to go. I did grief share at a local church but they still read from the bible that it was a sin, I even looked for grief counsler but I can’t find any that takes my insurance Medicare and Tricare. My husband served 20 years defending our country but no help for me now that he is gone. Thank you for you article

    • I am sorry for your profound loss and I too am amazed by some of the people who have never come forward to express sympathy. It’s like they’re afraid they’ll catch something.
      Please don’t give up on GriefShare. Call around to other churches and ask if any of the facilitators have dealt with suicide. My group had one who reached out to me before the class even started.

      • the Grief Share in my area is all taught from the same book and the same video. So it will all be the same. I’m at a lost as to how to find help.

    • Peggy,
      TAPS (Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors) is an amazing resource for military families. Their website is http://www.taps.org and their phone number is 1-800-959-8277. They are available 24 hours a day, every day. They have been immensely helpful & supportive for me and my son.
      On the website, under Events, you’ll find local group meetings and text chats, some specifically for survivors of suicide loss. They can provide you with a “peer mentor”, someone who, like you, has lost a loved one and can understand your feelings and talk to you.
      My husband took his life on May 1, 2017. I found him and struggle daily. He was retired Navy, and served for21 years. We were married for 22yrs, and I feel like half of me is gone. I’m very grateful to TAPS for helping us through this awful journey.
      Desi

  54. As a What’s Your Grief podcast and social media follower, I was pleasantly surprised to see this post pop up. I lost my mom to suicide 7 months ago. In reference to the other comments above, I use the phrase “died by suicide” most often. I don’t listen to the Dougy Center’s podcast very often but they did have one episode discussing this terminology that I found insightful.

    In this article, this quote definitely stood out to me: “Once they had acknowledged the inevitability of suicide they were able to weave this possibility, unwelcome as it was, into their life story to develop a coherent explanation.”

    My mom made several attempts before she succeeded. While I wouldn’t say her death was a “relief,” I assume I wasn’t as shocked as others in my situation could’ve been.

    The stigma is definitely something that continually needs to be addressed. Thanks for continuing the conversation!

  55. I still have difficulty saying my son died by suicide. After almost 2 years I still stare at his death certificate in disbelief. When asked how he died, I just tell them alcohol and guns do not mix. He showed no signs of depression prior to his death, just the alcoholism. With my personal experiences alcohol & drug addiction are being left out of the equation when discussing suicide prevention.

    • Jen
      I so agree with you…drugs and alcohol do such damage to the “happy parts of the brain” and the sadness created is unbearable for many people

  56. I prefer saying “she took her own life”.

  57. I lost my husband to ALS, and 2 years later my oldest son died from ALS, then 4 months after that my youngest son died by suicide. For me there is such a difference in grieving between a death from a physical cause and a suicide. I have felt all the emotions, blame, guilt, anger, sadness, rejection, unworthiness, failure isolation, etc. I realized that my oldest son chose to die too. He opted out of his breathing machine because he said he had had enough of the pain, and since there is currently no cure for ALS, he chose even the day he was to take his mask off. He was attended by Hospice and it was “socially” acceptable. I came to realize that my youngest son who took his life by suicide had those very same feelings of hopelessness and believing that there wasn’t a cure for his feelings and emotional pain, but his death is attached to a stigma. One son had a visible disease and the other had an invisible disease, but they both chose to end their pain. I am now going to a therapist and it is helping me cope much better.

  58. Thank you for this well written, perfectly timed article. I am in yet another phase of grieving the loss of my son 16 months ago. You brought up many things that I had “set aside”, forgotten, and needed to hear again.
    When I speak about the event, I chose to say “He took his own life.” because it’s hard for me to say the “S” word.

    • Completed sounds like he’s been studying/working on suicide…and then he “completed” it….that sounds weird to ME I always say “my son took his own life through suicide”

  59. I, understand, the saying “committed” is upsetting. “Committed” sounds like a crime. “Committed robbery”, ” committed arson”, “committed murder”. My son COMPLETED SUICIDE. Thats the only way I will ever say it. I can’t say that he blew his head away. Nobody wants to hear that descriptive phrase.

    • Yes, I often want to say “he shot himself in the head,” but I know that would cause too much distress for the listener.

      • Hi Sue, I don’t know if you ever listen to the radio show This American Life but if you do (or if your want to check it out) there is an episode called Birds and Bees and the last third of the show is about helping kids who lost someone to suicide learn how to talk about it open and honestly. Your comment made me think of the episode. You can listen to it online here http://m.thisamericanlife.org/radio-archives/episode/557/birds-bees

        • Litsa – I love this American Life. 🙂 I have no children around me to talk to, I was referring to other adults that I had/have to break the news to.

          • Hi Sue, sorry I wasn’t clear! It isn’t about telling children. It is about how we want to talk about it vs how other respond. It isnt a piece on how to do or not do it, just a piece reflecting on how people react to suicide loss and how that is complicated. It may not be relevant, but just made me think of it!

      • I don’t worry about making others “uncomfortable” by speaking of my boyfriend’s suicide by overdose on 3/4/16. We were together 10 years, and we were more in love than I thought possible. Family abuse and belittling spiraled his depression and self-worth into a dark hole. He was in so much pain.

        Someone recently told me that just because I could see it unfolding, for years, and then blatantly obvious the lady few months, that doesn’t mean I could have stopped it. I begged his family to help, but they didn’t want to acknowledge his mental illness and addiction because that would damage their reputation.

        Now they are suffering.

    • I say my son had depression and took his life.

  60. I read the whole article, yes it was an informative subject.., but I was kinda hurt when I read your do and don’t instructions..
    Do say… “She killed herself” or “She died by suicide”
    I find it a careless and judging expression on a suicide victim.

    • Hey Jabari,

      The phrases recommended above are actually some of the language being suggested by advocacy and mental health organizations to the media, mental health professionals, and the larger society for discussing death from suicide. The intention is to replace the existing terminology, mainly the term “committed suicide” as committed refers to things like crime and religious offenses and contributes to the stigma around suicide. These suggestions are useful in that it is necessary for society on a whole to shift the way we talk about suicide. However as an individual if these terms don’t feel right to you then by all means you should choose the language that you feel most closely matches your outlook and experience. I think what’s become kind of evident in many of the comments here is that each person has to identify what kind of language they feel most comfortable with when discussing their loved one’s death.

      Thanks for your thoughts,
      Eleanor

  61. Rose Eiesland FosterMay 17, 2016 at 4:52 pmReply

    This is such a well written article! Another reason for me to continue to point people in the direction of this website. I have two jobs: one, as a social worker, helping adults with severe mental illness and substance use disorders and two, as a grief support provider for a local funeral home. Another important description for me which resonates in everything I do is I am a widow who lost my husband to suicide 12 years ago. This event along with a few others, sent me on a trajectory that led me to the present day, making it my life’s work helping others. The loss of someone to suicide is so complicated and so misunderstood. I appreciate so much the mention of relief in the article. That is often a taboo subject; no one wants to admit that there is an element of relief sometimes when their loved one has died. But, it can be there Shame is prevalent for alot of survivors as well as guilt. For me, the most beneficial piece to my healing continues to be talking with others who have lost a loved one. I’ve been attending a support group for over 10 years, off and on. It meant to much to me and continues to mean so much to me, to know that, at least twice a month (our group meets twice a month), I can be assured that I can be “real” with others who have walked a similar path. In that circle of support, there is no shame, only relief and support. I highly recommend this to be a useful part of support for those left behind. Silence is generally the response that survivors receive from well meaning family and friends who don’t know what to say so they say nothing. I can assure you that silence hurts. So, that is why the support group for me is a safe and validating place for support. Thank you again for this website and this article!

  62. I lost my son to an overdose suicide last year, and while I knew he would eventually succumb to his depression, I was still shocked of course. This website was a lifeline to my grieving in a good way. In the winter I felt like I needed professional help for a bit, and tried a parents of deceased children group (not a fit) then discovered a group for survivors of suicide (excellent fit)there were a few books that had recommended finding a group. ..
    “Figuring Sh*t Out” being one of the books. Groups help when you’re ready I think. But this website has continued to be my resource. Interesting definition of traumatic death, thanks!

    • Is that a real book? That title is amazing! 🙂

      I’m so glad you’ve found this website to be helpful and I’m SO glad you’ve found good in person support. Good for you for trying a second group when the first one wasn’t a good fit, so many people give up after their first try!

  63. While not technically a suicide, I feel in some respects, my son’t death was very similar.
    He overdosed in October 2015 ( I did not know this until he had died in January) and it scared him enough to get into rehab, but he used again in January knowing full well that he could die. I cry when I ask myself why he did not call me when an incident happened in rehab…instead he went to what felt good and the sadness would end…this time permanently…but my sadness may last a lifetime…I am so glad I have a great support team and my faith.

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