Grieving After a Suicide Death
Understanding Grief : Eleanor Haley/
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According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, more than 48,000 people died from suicide in the United States in 2018. This rate is equal to 1 death every 11 minutes. Surveys have shown that 40% of adults know at least one person who has died by suicide, and upwards of 20% of adults report their lives have been significantly impacted by suicide.
I won’t waste time on introductions because there’s a lot to cover. I do realize, though, that some of you won’t read this post all the way through. For those of you who know yourselves well enough to know you won’t finish, I want to tell you that I will link to additional resources at the end of this post.
Also, I want to invite anyone who has been touched by suicide to share your experiences in the comments below. Although we can offer general thoughts on this subject, it is your insight that adds truth and nuance to this discussion and helps those facing similar circumstances feel less alone.
First Things First, Our Usual Disclaimer…
Although commonalities exist amongst people who have experienced a specific type of loss, individual grief is unique to the person experiencing it and their relationship with the person who died. We can talk in averages and generalities, but no article, grief theory, or set of symptoms will ever perfectly sum up your grief experience.
And although you might relate to aspects of another person’s grief (and vice versa), no one can completely understand how anyone else feels. With this in mind, we recommend you learn what you can from your commonalities with other grievers, but take differences with a grain of salt.
How We Talk About Suicide…
Although we may have a long way to go in understanding suicide and effective suicide prevention, we have thankfully progressed far beyond the dark days when people considered suicide a crime or religious offense. Progress, though, is multifaceted and—while our understanding of suicide has grown more compassionate—our language has not.
For this reason, organizations like the World Health Organization, National Institute for Mental Health, American Association for Suicidology, American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, and countless others have been working to shift suicide-related terminology. Although there are many fine points to this conversation, I want to impress the following upon you:
When discussing an individual’s death from suicide…
Don’t say… “She committed suicide”.
Do say… “She died by suicide” or “She took her life”.
I know most of you are used to saying “committed suicide” and you certainly aren’t alone. Many in our society have yet to get this memo, but now you have. The time has come for us to choose language around suicide that does not condemn or stigmatize the person who has died or those who love them.
Suicide as a Traumatic Loss…
When a loved one kills themselves, the death is often experienced as traumatic. We typically use Wortman & Latack (2015)‘s definition of traumatic loss:
“A death is considered traumatic if it occurs without warning; if it is untimely; if it involves violence; if there is damage to the loved one’s body; if it was caused by a perpetrator with the intent to harm; if the survivor regards the death as preventable; if the survivor believes that the loved one suffered; or if the survivor regards the death, or manner of death, as unfair and unjust.”
This definition touches on many experiences common to a suicide death, including the death being sudden, untimely, violent, regarded as preventable, etc. Additionally, other traumatic loss risk factors are associated with suicide, such as feelings of blame, witnessing the death, and finding the body.
It’s important to note: It is not the nature of a death that makes it traumatic, but how the event is interpreted and processed by the individual. So, regardless of the circumstances around the death, it is not a given that it will be experienced as traumatic.
Potentially traumatic deaths can result in the compounding and intertwining of trauma and grief responses. These may manifest as the following, to name just a few:
- Recurrent intrusive thoughts about the death
- Shattered assumptions about the world, oneself, and others
- Feelings of guilt and blame
- Fear and avoidance of grief and trauma-emotions, thoughts, memories, etc.
When Grieving a Suicide Death One May Experience the Following…
The Search for Answers:
In the wake of death, people often seek to construct a meaningful narrative that helps them find peace and understand what happened. So it’s common to ask questions like “What if?”, “Why?”, and “What’s the point?”. Until the question of “why” can be answered, grieving family and friends may continue to search and ruminate.
After a suicide death, as with any other type of death, the bereaved may seek to make sense of what happened. However, in this instance, they may find that many of their questions are either unanswerable or lead to distressing conclusions (whether or not these conclusions are true).
It is not uncommon for themes of personal blame to arise, as the person questions their role in their loved one’s suicide and what they could have done to prevent their death. Unfortunately, the bereaved may vastly overestimate their role and others’ role (i.e., what family and friends did or didn’t do).
Whether rational or not, grieving family and friends may struggle with distressing thoughts like:
- I never really knew him.
- She didn’t feel comfortable confiding in me.
- She was in intense pain.
- I’m to blame. I should have done more to prevent his death.
- I’m to blame. I pushed him into the decision to kill himself.
- She didn’t love me enough to live.
- My family members are to blame.
When the Death Is Expected. Although suicide is often sudden, it is not always unexpected—and so not all who experience the death of a loved one to suicide struggle to answer the question of “Why?”. In many instances, there has been discussion of suicidal thoughts or past suicide attempts. Maple et al (2007) found in interviews with suicidally bereaved parents that “preparedness” was linked with an ability to anticipate and explain their child’s death. They note:
“Once they had acknowledged the inevitability of suicide, they were able to weave this possibility, unwelcome as it was, into their life story to develop a coherent explanation.”
Family can be an incredible source of comfort and healing after a death… for some. For others, family can be a source of distressing conflict and misunderstanding after a death.
Regardless of the circumstances surrounding the death, things like complicated family dynamics, shifting roles, and different coping styles can test and challenge a family. After a suicide death, conflict may emerge because:
- The deceased’s mental illness or suicidal behavior created disruption and placed a strain on the family.
- Family members disagree about how they want to acknowledge the death publicly.
- Family members disagree about how they want to discuss the death privately within the family.
- Different family members come up with varying explanations for why their loved one died by suicide
- Family members blame one another.
Feelings of Rejection and Abandonment:
Evidence suggests that suicidally bereaved individuals experience higher levels of rejection compared with other bereaved groups. In grief, feelings of guilt, blame, regret, and rejection can be logical, but they can also defy all logic and reason. So even when it’s evident that the suicide was not an act of intentional abandonment, it still may feel that way to the people who grieve the death.
Worries About Developing Mental Illness:
Approximately 90% of those who die by suicide have one or more mental disorders. When the deceased is connected to the bereaved through genetics, especially in the instance of a child grieving a parent’s suicide death, the living family member(s) may worry that they too will develop mental illness and someday decide to kill themselves. Indeed, some research has indicated that a family history of suicide increases suicide risk.
If you know a child, or adult for that matter, struggling with these concerns, don’t immediately disregard their worries. If you are someone grappling with this concern, know that it is normal. If you’re concerned, it never hurts to seek out a little support and psychoeducation from a therapist or counselor.
Fear of Grief Reactions:
After any death, mourners may feel like they’re losing it; and traumatic loss often exacerbates these feelings. If a person interprets their symptoms as dangerous, threatening, or indicative of a larger mental or physical problem, they are more likely to fear their reactions.
Concerns about one’s own reactions following a death add to existing emotion by causing additional anxiety, depression, anger, or shame. Those who are fearful of their responses may engage in maladaptive and persistent avoidance of triggers or reminders, which, in some cases, can contribute to the development of a psychological disorder and prevent the mourner from finding meaningful ways to continue their bond with their loved one.
It is common for a person to feel relieved after a loved one dies, when the loved one had been living in pain and suffering. For those who die from illness, the relief comes from knowing they are no longer in physical pain. And when a person dies from something like suicide or overdose, the relief may come from a place of knowing that their loved one is no longer struggling with emotional (and sometimes also physical) pain.
This doesn’t mean that the person grieving the loss wouldn’t trade their relief to have their loved one back for just one moment, or that they don’t also feel intense pain and sadness. It just means that relief is one feeling in their big, messy, hurricane of grief.
Feelings of Isolation, Stigma and/or Shame:
Sadly, there is a stigma attached to mental illness and suicide. Some people can’t imagine the mental and emotional pain that would cause a person to kill themselves, so they might make assumptions or judge the deceased’s actions, calling them weak or selfish.
Stigmatized losses may also be referred to as disenfranchised losses, which you can read more about here and here. The following are just a few potential reasons why isolation, stigma, and shame may emerge following a suicide death:
- The family decides to keep the suicide a secret. Feeling unable to acknowledge the truth, those grieving the loss may feel like they have to lie or live in silence.
- Thoughts of personal blame and responsibility.
- The belief that one can’t control or manage their grief reactions.
- A lack of social support.
- Others don’t acknowledge the death.
- Messages from media and broader society about suicide.
- Perceived rejection and thoughts of worthlessness.
If You Are Grieving a Loved One’s Death From Suicide, You May Find These Resources Helpful:
Alliance of Hope for Suicide Survivors
American Foundation for Suicide Prevention
SAVE: Suicide awareness voices of education
You Can Also Read Our Other Posts About Suicide Deaths:
In Memory of Robin Williams: How to Talk With Kids About Suicide
Review of the Dougy Center’s After a Suicide Death: An Activity Book for Grieving Kids
Review of Hospice of the Chesapeake’s Supporting Children After a Suicide Loss: A Guide for Parents and Caregivers
We wrote a book!
After writing online articles for What’s Your Grief
for over a decade, we finally wrote a tangible,
What’s Your Grief? Lists to Help you Through Any Loss is for people experiencing any type of loss. This book discusses some of the most common grief experiences and breaks down psychological concepts to help you understand your thoughts and emotions. It also shares useful coping tools, and helps the reader reflect on their unique relationship with grief and loss.
You can find What’s Your Grief? Lists to Help you Through Any Loss wherever you buy books:
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Gina B May 11, 2023 at 12:30 am
In January of 2018 my middle daughter who had just turned 21 the month before was in a serious car accident. She was t-boned by a semi and left with a severe TBI. She was no longer fully functional on her right side. After she got out of the hospital and Madonna for rehab she lived with me for a year where I helped her get independent again. She had to re-learn how to talk, eat, walk. She got very depressed. Lost a lot of her friends because they didn’t know how to deal with someone with a TBI. It was even tough on myself getting used to the new daughter that she had become. She told me in March of 2022 that she wanted to live and didn’t want to put me through what I went through in 2018 with her accident.
On May 8,2022 on Mother’s Day. My fiancé at the time and I went to pick up my daughter Megan and take her to meet my fiancés mom and sisters. She had a great time. On the way home she asked me if I would take her to an appointment the next day and if I could come earlier to pick her up and hangout. Of course I said yes. So I start texting her around 10am on May 9th. She didn’t answer right away but I didn’t think anything of it. Finally after about 3 messages and her not answering I got scared and worried. So I went to her apartment. The complex let me in her building but not in her apartment. I pounded on the door and nothing. I then went outside to her windows and pounded on them and nothing. So then I called a welfare check on her. When we went in there she was blue and cold. They thought she was dead. They rolled her over to make sure she wasn’t laying on anything and she grasped for air. So I told them to work on her. They finally got her stable enough to go to the hospital. She took 4 different kinds of medication. How much of each we’re not sure. The first CT scan looked ok but they said it was too early. The machines we’re keeping her alive. The third day at the hospital they said we needed to start calling in family to say our goodbyes. They said with the lack of oxygen for that many hours that she was brain dead. Tomorrow is a year since she’s been gone.
Amber April 15, 2023 at 11:41 pm
I lost someone who meant a great deal to me to suicide several years ago. I felt so lost and alone in my grief because none of my other friends or family could understand the thoughts and feelings and questions that were endlessly running around in my head. I truly felt like I was losing touch with reality and that I was never going to feel any better. Another good friend of mine recommended finding a grief support group, and I found one specifically for suicide loss survivors through Samaritans (Boston, MA and surrounding areas, they have in-person and virtual meetings since Covid: which helped immensely and I also found some online support sites like The Alliance of Hope. I am not sure what other states have for local support groups, but the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (afsp.org) might be able to point towards those resources.
I still think of my lost loved one every single day. I still have a lot of guilt and regret that I am working through. The pain has not gone away, but it has become easier to bear. And I think having these resources and the support of others who have been through something similar and are at different points (further along) in their grief journey have helped me with that. I hope it can help others as well.
Kai March 14, 2023 at 3:27 am
My little brother(2.5year gap) struggled with substance abuse. Started doin cocaine and pills around 15, and progressed into heroin by 17. He got sober by the time he was 21 a few times..a month here, 3 months there, but by the time he was 21 he stayed sober for about 3-4 years. He had a full time job, and was in his second semester at the local community college. His girlfriend, who he lived with, got pregnant.
They ended up having twins April 2019. On their 7 day check up the doctor found a fracture in one of the twins legs. It wasn’t any concern to him, but he had to notify CPS per law. Anytime there’s a fracture in a child that can’t speak for themselves cps has to be noticed. They took the twins from them. Gave them to my mother, my brother and his girlfriend got a lawyer to fight cps and sue them for wrongfully taking their children. This was perhaps a mistake. challenging a government agency in a lawsuit just makes them buckle down harder, especially if they were wrong.
After a year, despite the three doctors emailing cps letting them know they have seen the twins, their reports, their genetics tests(they have a metabolic bone disease) cps pressed charges on both of them.
They still didn’t have rights to their children. Just an agreement stating they had to be supervised when seeing the twins and couldn’t stay the night in the same house. They both were given bond at 25000$x2 (1 for each twin) so 5k each on bond.
My brother ends up going to a therapist and gets prescribed Xanax. About 3 months after he posted bond for a crime he was innocent of he was hooked on Xanax. Got Street Xanax and ended up relapsing because it had fetanyl in it.
He was back on heroin, ended up signing himself up for a rehab 5 hours away..but the night before he was to leave..he got s dui and broke his bond. Spent a week in county. Got bail reposted at another 25k(2500$) and he was good. He was back to sober living, now just had to get a good lawyer to fight these criminal charges cps was giving him, get through the DUI and life would be good.
Well my mother, took it into her own hands, seeing as she was primary guardian and adopted the twins out. Told him when they were 3 right before his birthday.
He embraced it, and the new parents who were willing to keep the family involved the entire time. He was happy, as happy as he could be. He got to still be in their lives, but take care of his life and not worry about not being able to be there for him. Even though he honest to god never got a chance. He was innocent, and if you google (breached c-section twin delivery broken femur and clavicle) you will find that the incident that fractured one of my nephews clavicle and femur was birth. It happen 1/100 deliveries. That’s everyday.
Well he ends up getting covid a one month, texts his lawyer the positive covid test results, and at the time restrictions were still in place, and his lawyer said don’t go, I will handle this.
His lawyer coincidentally got in a car accident that day. He never contacted the court. My brother was issued a warrant for missing court. His lawyer didn’t respond to him for 2 weeks.
My parents help my brother, cause he is now drained financially. He had already been through two lawyers. One at the start to sue cps for being endangering their children (because they took them from them first, and then a second time when they were 2months old – 8months old from my parents custody) had them in foster care.
(Also when we got them back one of the twins has hydrocephalus..swelling of the brain. And we rushed him to the neurologist the next day cause his head was so much bigger and the doctor rushed him to Emergency surgery – said he should have had surgery two months ago)
When my brother relapsed 1 year and 3 months (3 months after cps pressed false charges against him) his girlfriend ended up on drugs worse than he was, and they didn’t stay together. She didn’t wanna get clean pretty much, but then my brother hired his own lawyer.
Well that lawyer screwed up and got him into jail because of the covid thing..or a car wreck..
So my parents hired an attorney for $25000 talked to all of the doctors we had that were going to testify on our behalf for free..he agreed the case would be dismissed and he’d walk a free man.
Only problem is he has a warrant now for missing court (cause of covid restrictions) and only way judge will talk to him now is if he’s in an orange jumpsuit.
So he turns himself in. Sits 2 weeks in county until judge can see him.
Judge doesn’t care about covid technicality, doesn’t let him out. Doesn’t even reissue him another bond.
He claimed he already gave him another bond when he got the dui.
He claimed the case had been in his court room for almost three years he wanted it out.
Really, they had him where they wanted him to force him to take a plea. By this time they had offered 3 pleas to him.
First plea deal was 10 years probation
2nd plea was 7 years
3rd 4 years
Well now, he was going to have to sit in county for 1 year cause the DA was so slammed and back logged from covid on all his trial cases.
Or, the fourth plea : 1 year probation and they drop the two charges down to 1 charge.
He was getting jumped everyday because of his charges in harris county.(Houston,Tx) the prison guards didn’t give him a mattress for three days when he arrived. We believed this was on purpose, as a way for other inmates to identify him as a child abuser..suspected anyways. He was not a child abuser.
Well if he chose not to take a plea he’d be sent to Louisiana because harris county was over crowded, and his trial was going to be pushed back for up to a year they were telling us.
After a month sitting around, he took the plea. He was ready to put it all behind him.
He got out, and for awhile was going pretty good.
He made it 6 months through his probation.
He swallowed a bottle of Xanax on February 9th, 2023.
The month leading to his decision he had became super depressed.
The adoptive family has been ignoring us and him, since august(about the time he took the plea)
My parents had hired another Attourney to help get us visitation rights or them back entirely.
It seemed like it wasn’t hopeful we’d ever see them again.
The new family had just been playing us, and intended on cutting us out. We think once they found out he took the plea they new he’d never be able to get them back on his own being that they were rightfully taken from him instead of wrongfully.
About a week before he left us, he was texting our cousin, his Bestfriend and I all in group texts saying he was done, and everything’s falling apart, he had gotten fired at his job for over sleeping and being late.
He had met a girl and fallen for her fast, and apparently she was ignoring him now.
He just had no hope left in him.
He text like this to all three of us daily almost for that last week.
I would tell him ahh screw that girl, or ahh screw that job. But he wouldn’t cheer up.
He had started takin Xanax again in the last month, his Bestfriend the one we were all texting with in a group chat (the four of us would play online games frequently) had a prescription and my brother obviously was depressed and had constant anxiety.
Apparently he was taking ten a day or something. I’ve never taken any so didnt know much about it but now I’ve read enough to know he was taking way way to much.
Well that friend in the last week would help him out too, play games with him, cheer him up. But he told me same thing my brother would just stay down.
My cousin also, would talk to him but just couldn’t get through.
His friend thought that he was manipulating him by saying he was gonna take his own life, just to get more Xanax from him.
My cousin and him had a major disagreement over the girl my brother was talking too that ended up ignoring him..and chose not to be there for my brother anymore and was ignoring him completely for the last two days of my brothers life.
February 8th the day before, my brother text me.
This is the exact text I will copy and paste :
Well, I’m down for it bro mom and dad don’t seem to care to help at all. I can’t get an SR 22 insurance policy to where I can get insured on a vehicle. They won’t allow me to drive just to and from work and that’s it and so I just there’s nowhere for me to go man I’m done I’m giving up on life I’m going to order some heroin off-line and unless this guy I know picks up and I’m able to buy from him and then I’m done man. I’m sorry I love you and I wish the best for you.
To which I respond :
Why don’t ya just hang out with me
Bring over your pc and let’s play some games
You goto your pO meeting?
He responds :
That’s too much. I’m Just done man.
I already went
I say : too much how?
He: Bring my pc and come hang out.
I’m just done. I’m sorry and good luck.
I: Well ya don’t gotta bring your pc
It’s fine man.
Mom and dad have showed that they don’t care. I’m doneZ
Man there’s only so much we all can do I guess
Idk what to tell ya or how to help
We all wanna die man
You’re just giving up
That’s why I’m done.
They made it impossible for me to get insured and get a car
I can help you get a car I been tellin ya
Just need to get your lisence j can help you get cheap insurance
How? With no no insurance and no employment right now I got fired today, so yeah there’s nothing I can do nothing nobody can do.
Yeah next job you get save your money and make it a priority to get the license
I don’t think you understand I need to SR 22 and for that I need to have a card to insure it on and I just there’s no way that I can’t do it and yeah so that’s what it is. I’m just giving a man.
Well get your license
And then save up money for a down payment
And we goto Carl
He will give you a car to use under your own name.
And you can get your sr22 or w.e you need to do man it’s not just give up time because of all this..I mean you’ve been through a good amount already just hang in there
He: I got a quote quote for 399 for the sr22 and converge then I have to get my license… I’m just done man…
Me: Yeah I paid 330$ for like 2 years and then I paid 280 for a year and then finally I was paying 180$ and that’s still what I pay for insurance dude
It ain’t cheap
They make it so hard. That’s why everyone these days has several room mates or lives with their parents and saves
We lived with our parents for long enough but never saved
I blew all my money on my ex mostly
There’s prolly some company that can give ya insurance for like 300 I bet
We just have to goto the right place
Just get yourself another job and this time save up all your money, just don’t cash the check or something if ya have too
Then cash them all when ya get like 4
I that’s the cheapest I have found.
I’m sorry man.
It’s all good buddy I love ya. Life’s tough sorry you hadn’t gotten what ya want out of life
Well you shouldn’t go back to doing that stuff and obviously killing yourself you’re going to cause me and mom and dad a lot of pain so if for anything you should stick around for us. We all want ya around and have tried a lot to keep ya around so that’s all I’m gonna say about it. I’m sorry you have those thoughts to kill yourself, but I think if you just stick around you would grow out of having those thoughts
You sure you don’t wanna just come hang out with me?
You went and saw your po today so you can smoke right
Let’s watch movies – I got some brownie mix and ice cream
I need to wake up early and drive but we can hangout tomorrow too and figure out what your next move it
Maybe you can get one of these chip manufacturing jobs
100k a year no college needed
Tryin to contact Cal…he won’t answer me.
(his Bestfriend I mentioned earlier)
He’s just busy dude 🤷♂️
Can you take me to DMV tomorrow?
To get my license
Yeah, uber usually slows down by like 9am
(All I do at the moment)
Well I need someone and Cal is literally just laughing at me right now cause I can’t be at my house.
I mean I’m always the last person ya call but I’ll always be here for ya anyway I can dude
Cal just busy dude he’s been there for ya a lot so don’t feel like he is just laughing at you
He: Well I can’t be at the house right now man… or just stay in my room. I wish I had weed… but don’t have that. And Cal just wanted to laugh at me.
He then sends me screenshot of their convo
(His friend put an lol at the end of a text that says : that’s what I mean bro, you’re just texting me trying to get me to hurry just so I can smoke with you but I don’t even want to right now, I need to take care of my daughter. You saying you’re waiting at the park isn’t gonna make me hurry “lol”)
I was texting his friend by now too telling him I’m worried about my brother and he was texting me stuff saying my brothers just trying to manipulate him into getting his Xanax and that he’s fine, he’s not really suicidal..
I hate myself for the next texts I sent my bro because I believed his friend, Cal as well as our cousin who was texting the same stuff saying my brother wasn’t serious about suicide.
Me texting my bro :
I’ve tried calling you like multiple times dude
Asked ya to come hang out
Not sure what else to do
(YA could / SHOULD HAVE DROVE YOUR ASS TO THE PARK AND SAT WITH YOUR BABY BROTHER YA DUNCE – not in the just continued thought from this memory of that night before he did this that I live with now)
Me: Dude maybe Cal will start ignoring you for good
Can’t rely on anyone else. Just be grateful for that friendship cause a lot of people done have child good friends they still hangout with – let alone friends that take them on vacations
(His friend and our cousin and him went to Colorado in November. They paid for his travel and lodge for the weekend)
Yea he will. And I’m done trying to be the “friend he says he is”
Buddy, you manipulate him.
He : How????
Me : Tell him to give your free bars or else you will go and kill yourself cause you will just get heroin
He: What????? I didn’t say that?..Just…
Me: So he thinks you are just tryin to guilt him into you coming over
He : ????!!
Me : that’s how he feels
He: wtf fuck everyone. Y’all will all see.
Me : I mean dude you are manipulative
You do it to me sometimes too dude but I love you Idc. I’m sorry I’m just tryin to help.
He : yeah I’m done, goodbye.
Me : I’m killing myself soon too
I don’t think you really care
He : see you on the other side
But yeah no point texting like this
If ya wanna come hangout and watch some movies you can
I have some weed of course
He: No not without you doing this.
I’m done man.
Me : Wtf are you even talking about dude
Well I’m gonna end up goin to sleep then so if I don’t respond it’s cause I’m sleepin
Really hope you don’t decide to relapse you are just looking for a reason – be smarter and don’t let the drugs win
I’m not going to respond. I’m done with everyone saying I manipulated them and stuff…
He: You will call see one day
Me : I text him a screen shot of a text he sent me a month before telling me if I ever talked to the girl he was talking to he’d never speak to me again. I never talked to her, and already had blocked her like he asked. And yeah idk I just sent it to him and said this, “this is you manipulating me” and now you are texting me all this stuff you wanna kill yourself
Like what do you want from me? I’ve tried to do anything I can for ya so it’s sad for me but then you just threaten me with ohh I will see now because I didn’t say what you wanted to hear? Busdy you need to just do what everyone else does and get a job and figure out how to make it work 🤷♂️
My life sucks so I get it, if you work your ass off just to get as much as I have it’s not really worth it.
I wanna kill myself everyday.
Hell you see mom and dad they’ve worked hard their whole life’s and barely got anything to show for it, they wanna kill themselves everyday too.
So I get it, you wanna kill yourself.
Nothing wrong with talking about it, but when you use it as a tool to make people that care about you feel bad it’s not making anyone care about you anymore.
Dude, I’m done with this. I’m done with Cal, saying the things that he’s saying seeing them manipulating him into giving me things for other things like shit I have no way of getting other things right now because I have no money but I will have money soon and who’s to say what will happen but whatever man I’m gonna try and get my DM my license by Lars(pos open adoption new father of the twins- who never cared about my brother or any of us) in hopefully I can change and turn my life around, but if Cal has been talking behind my back and saying things like that about me then I don’t know what else to say like all I wanted to do was just to come and hang out for a second and get high and enjoy a little bit of time and get out of my head I didn’t mind waiting for a little bit. I said I was waiting at the park because I can’t stand being at the house right now around my parents that’s it for of course he turns it into something else and I’m just done being that person I’m done with everybody thinking a certain way with me, and everything that has been said, and done is just solidified it what I am going to do.
So you can stop texting me and you can start doing all of that and I’m done man. I’m just done I have nobody I have nothing I’m just done.
Me : k dude…..
( WHY DO I FUCKING SUCK SO MUCH – this is not something I text just part of my everyday memory thoughts now)
He : I don’t want anything from you. I asked you for a ride to the DMV so I can get my license that was it that was it but I’m done I get it. Nobody gives a shit about me all they care about is texting wanting to text what they say her feel or whatever and then that’s it but I’m just done in one day you’ll see what I really would have been going through I guess
Me: Well he is busy
And he feels like you saying your waiting is to make him feel bad
Just take it up with him man
He : Yeah man he was busy. I was waiting at the park not because of him. I was waiting at the park because I can’t be at the house. What are you not understanding I’m done. Just stop texting me. Stop all this bullshit.
He’s been a good friend to ya if ya ask me
He : I’m not gonna fucking argue with you over all of this shit I’m not because once all of a sudden he just say go, you can come over now we’re all good you can eat this plate of food and blah blah blah, and smoke and chill for a little bit but I don’t like I’m I’m done fucking Bing the marauder. I’m done being taught behind my back. I’m done being that person man I’m done. I’m done with life. I’m done with all the shit so just stop texting me. I’m not gonna respond to you.
Me : K well I’ll still take you to the dmv
I’m not arguing…you’re the one blowing up
I’m just being logical and tryin to help you with your emotions
Nobody talked about you behind your back When you text people that love and care about you saying your suicidal they naturally converse because they worry about you
Ya know maybe I’ll kill myself before you do and then you will actually see how lucky you were people actually cared about you (WHYYYYY DO I FUCKING SUCK)
He : You did talk behind my back saying that I manipulated him into giving me Xanax so I don’t go get other things that’s not at all how it went down that’s not at all fuck all this shit bro fuck all this bullshit
I’m not being manipulative and you know what just stop talking to me man just stop I’m not gonna be told that I’m being manipulative and all this shit just and I’m not even gonna say anymore just you will see one day
(no wonder he did it – his entire family is fucking crazy and I’m the biggest let down of a brother he could have ever had..I seriously said all the worse things…and at the time I thought I was being helpful to him…saying what he needed to hear.)
bro you’ve never loved me or cared about me a day in my life.
I don’t care about that, you’re my brother and I’ll always do whatever I can for ya.
Mom is really sick and she’s the reason we are not socially inclined like many others.
Dads tried his best but he’s dumb, and loves mom to a fault.
But they are better than a lot of other parents out there.
All I can say to ya is everyday for the last month or so you have been showing me signs that are scary and remind me of your past.
You were doin as good as you could have been even your PO was sayin you are doin great.
You were gonna be a manager at that job.
Then you started taking bars and other stuff?
Lean and you told me coke.
Just stay sober and get yourself another job.
Text me if ya need a ride somewhere or just want someone to listen.
I was only texting you telling you Cal side because you said he was laughing at you.
He’s not laughing at you he’s just not gonna be bullied by you into doing what you wanna do, he’s got a family he’s trying to take care of man.
People are busy, when people are busy you go so something on your own everyone has to do it.
I could have easily came and picked ya up and we could have chilled you didn’t need to goto the park and sit and wait on Caleb
He : Yeah I will. Thanks for doing all that and messing up everything now I don’t have any friends and have people thinking that I’m just manipulating them and stuff like that so I am I’m done man I did I really am done. I’m not gonna talk about it anymore. I tried to reach out to people to see if I can change the outcome because it’s not what I want but I see that it does the opposite reaction so I’m sorry by.
Me: So everything’s my fault?
Cal is still your friend man
Only reason I know you are doing bars is because he is worried you will progress into doing other stuff worse for you
You will be alright one day, just got to keep trying. Get through your probation and let’s take a backpacking trip through America up into Canada
None of us would be talkin to you if we didn’t care but yeah anyways man I guess I’ll just stop bothering you.. good luck
Those texts were between 5:12pm – 8:19pm on February 8th.
On February 9th I text him at 7:40am
Me : Yo
He responds at 1:57pm : Yo
Me: what ya doin today?
He: goin to get my drivers license
This was the last text he ever sent me.
Me : I need to start driving soon this morning wasn’t very good I’m hoping the afternoon rush is good usually starts around now
(Uber is so shit I didn’t even drive that afternoon..sat around waiting for rides. I SHOULD HAVE BEEN THERE FOR HIM)
Hours went by, and at 7:29pm I had just ate diner, and was home done with any uber driving for the night.
I text him : yo? What time you wanna go tomorrow? I come pick ya up at 10ish?
Few minutes go by, no response still..
So I just thought I need to call him, I was starting to remember the conversation the night before..
The phone rang 3 times and my mom answers, told my he was leaving in an ambulance with a feint pulse.
I rushed to the hospital. Sat with him for three days, they pronounced him brain dead at 1:07pm February 12t, 2023.
Say with him for three more days on a respirator while they got him ready for his organ donations..I just couldn’t leave his side.
It’s only been 1 month, and I’m closer than I ever was really to just giving up. I want nothing more than to join my brother in death.
I wished it was me, so that he could have learned this lesson, he could have seen that people do care about him.
I tried to be as detailed as I could do that others maybe might recognize where I obviously went so wrong.
Idk if it was just that I listened to our cousin and his Bestfriend and they convinced me not to worry.
My parents as well..we don’t talk. They had ignored my texts to them asking them to help and keep an eye on him seeing as they three live together.
I just idk felt worried for him, but nobody else was..I was absolutely surprised when my mom answered..I should have known. But my heart dropped when I heard her voice…I just new.
When I first arrived at the hospital I thought he’d eventually wake up..I had saved his life twice before this from over doses, one time gave him cpr for 20 minutes waiting on an ambulance.
I just thought this time would be just like those two times. He’d wake up, and recover.
I had insomnia before but now I just don’t sleep.
I was taking to my parents for a little bit after this happen but we are so dysfunctional i just can’t be around them…I feel guilty for my own inactions on his life but ultimately feel like they, mostly my mom really could have done more. And idk my mom can just be very mentally abusive.
And besides, they didn’t wanna talk to me before he did this…what’s the difference now.
So my feelings of loneliness are greater than ever now.
I just idk, I try my hardest everyday to not think about it, or him. But I find myself just lookin at his photos and crying.
Or listening to his favorite songs, and crying.
I have been getting online and reading stories of others, and it helps.
So that’s why I shared this here. I hope it helps someone else out there.
Idk what my future holds, like my brother I don’t see much hope for one.
But I don’t have the guts to do what he did.
I just keep running until I sleep, and then when I wake up start all over again.
Hang in there whoever’s reading. I can’t say it gets better yet, but I hear others say it can.
Arce February 28, 2023 at 12:59 am
It was year 2015 when my father committed suicide. i was 17 that time. since then i don’t understand my attitude, i can easily gets irritated and my communication to others was losing. Like, i loss interest in meeting and talking to others even to my family. Until now that i am 24 years old. Sometimes i feel empty and losing interest on some things. Since my father died i cant share to others what happened to my father because i will cry so that i don’t want to talk about it.
Seeing in your own eyes how your father died in the middle of the night was so painful. Seeing him hanging on the tree was so devastating. It gives me anxiety to the point like i feel there is a tie forcing in my neck like i was choking. I am afraid of the dark and i want to be alone every time. I rather want to be alone in a room than spending time with my family and friends.
Please how can i fight this emptiness in me. I hate this feeling
Litsa March 3, 2023 at 2:21 pm
I am so incredibly sorry to learn about your father’s death. It is incredibly normal to struggle when takling about such a difficult loss. As you describe seeing you father and the experience you’re having of fear and difficulty with the hard memories, it sounds like in addition to your grief of losing him that you are still struggling with the trauma of the circumstances of his death. This sort of traumatic loss can make it even harder to cope with grief and it can increase the feelings you describe like isolation and emptiness. Talking with a counselor who specializes in trauma and grief can be incredibly helpful to changing your relationship with these difficult memories while learning to be able to connect with your father’s memory in more comforting ways in the present. When there is so much anxiety and fear, that can take up so much space in your thoughts and emotions that it becomes hard to make space for other things. Getting support to reduce that fear can create space to connect with people who are important to you, reconnecting with things that interest you, and starting to feel like you can manage those emotions in a way that lets you talk about and connect with your dad’s memory. If you need any help finding a therapist, please feel free to contact us and we can help to point you in the right direction.
Peter February 6, 2023 at 9:32 am
I met this wonderful girl when I was 15 and we dated until sophomore year in college and we lost contact until we reconnected in 2012. Fast forward to 10/2022: after we both had gotten divorced, we decided that I would relocate to Illinois so we could finally fix the wrong of 1974. On 1/3/2023, she left the house, seemingly normal, to go to a therapist appointment. I became concerned about 2pm when she hadn’t returned. At 5:15 pm there was a knock at the door and it was 2 local police officers. Being former law enforcement, I immediately knew she would not be coming home. They informed me that shortly before 1pm, she stepped in front of a westbound freight train 1.5 miles away from home. Witnesses indicated that she’d been parked by the tracks for 90 minutes before taking her own life. The rings I had given her were returned to me in a BIOHAZARD bag, very much deformed. It took 2 days to positively identify her as they had to wait for dental records. I survived the death of my 18 year old daughter, thanks to a motorist texting while driving, in 2010, and this loss is just as traumatic and painful as the loss of my youngest child.
Doreen February 5, 2023 at 7:06 pm
My son took his own life 4th Jan 2023, I’m not ever going to get over this. He was the happiest most out going man and had so many friends.
Family we were so close and I can’t deal with WHY
Susan February 17, 2023 at 8:34 pm
Our daughter age 46 took her life on Jan 6 2023. On my birthday. She suffered tremendously from bi-polar . So many people have told us what a happy ,cheerful person she was. Was she acting , I’m not sure. We didn’t see that’s idle of herb too often.
Anonymous January 14, 2023 at 7:48 pm
My significant other’s wife took her life over a year ago. How can I help him. Some days he is good, ready to move forward. But then there is something innocent that takes him back.
Marion Tenneson December 28, 2022 at 3:18 pm
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Rebekah December 27, 2022 at 1:05 am
I had a good friend that died by suicide 2 days ago. I just found out this morning. I’m not sure how to cope with this loss since it just barely happened. I think I’m still in shock and feeling numb right now. I have a lot of things running through my mind. A lot of what if questions.
anonymous August 31, 2022 at 3:39 pm
My friend was a veteran and my neighbor. I have never experienced suicide this closely before – right next door. Or so violent – the investigation of the scene from detectives was being treated as homicide. But what was pressing was living through my friend’s multiple attempts – each one worse than the next. The best that could be done was hope there was no suffering or struggle during his last day.
Shan October 4, 2022 at 7:00 am
My bf recently lost his twin brother from suicide, he hung himself in a jail cell, we kind of know why he did it but didn’t know he had the skill..but my bf for about two weeks now have been having these dreams of his brother screaming his name”Scotty Scotty,help me over and over and then “I’m lost help me” and his brother wouldn’t have a face at all my bf tried holding him but his brother can’t see or hear him he’s just wondering aimlessly with his arms out looking and sounding lost. What does this mean?
Litsa February 7, 2023 at 11:18 am
It is impossible to know exactly what dreams mean, but typically dreams like this are our subconscious trying to work things out. If your bf has guilt, regret, or feelings that he could or should have done something, this may be his brain’s way of dealing with those feelings.
Katya March 10, 2023 at 2:33 am
I’m so sorry for your bf’s loss. I think the previous poster has a point, your bf’s dream might be about his subconscious trying to process. Are either of you spiritual? Some traditions believe the soul needs help to find the way to the other side after a violent death. If you pray or meditate, maybe you want to dedicate the energy to helping his brother find his way. This is what I’m doing for my cousin who just died of suicide a week ago. I also had a dream where he needed my help. I don’t know if it’s actually doing anything for him, but visualizing him in light and being guided to light by our grandparents and other spiritual beings has been helping my heart.
Therese Kyker August 14, 2022 at 10:53 pm
5 days ago my husband and I found our neighbors and friends son hanging in their garage. We are both a mess. He was 37 years old. He had been through a couple of bad breakups with an ex-wife and ex-girlfriend but we all thought he was doing better. Yes he had been reckless and he was struggling. They have a vacation house next to ours. Although we live there, these neighbors would come when they could mostly on weekends. We’ve traveled with them and have become very close friends. They had come for the weekend so their son could spend the weekend with his 8 year old. He took him to his first day of school and returned home. He had asked his parents to let him stay at the vacation house one more day and they reluctantly agreed. Of course they asked my husband and I to keep an eye out which we did. We saw him take the dog out to potty and I let the mother know lights were on and blinds were up. We all thought all was ok. The next morning the mother called me and asked me to go over and check on him. He wasn’t in the house and the dog was shaking. I went and got my husband and as we walked to the side door, there we saw him, hanging in the garage. His mother was on the phone with me when I found him. The rest is a vivid blur. We are both a mess. We feel guilty for not checking sooner although everything written says “not our fault” I don’t know how we get past this. I’m heartbroken for all involved.
Jen August 8, 2022 at 10:18 am
My boyfriend took his life 19 years and 4 months ago. He was bilpolar and off of his meds. He wants to be able to go out with friends and drink. We were in our 20’s. Over the course of 3 years I saw a major change in him. He had rapid cycles, sometime multiple times a day. He started doing party drugs. I grew more and more concerned and the weekend before he died, I told him that he needed to stop what he was doing, go back on his medication and start coming to church with me. The next day he lost his teaching job. That was a Monday. Monday night he called and told me loved me and appreciated everything I did for him. He then told me he was going to bed and if he woke up he would call me. That night he took a whole bottle of Xanax. It didn’t kill him but the next day, he jumped off an overpass and the traffic on the highway. He waited for a truck. I can’t tell you what this has done to my life for almost 20 years. I’ve never gotten over it. I think about him every day. Suicide is terrible enough, but the violent way that he died replays in my mind, even though I try so hard to forget about it. I try to remember the good times , but I always end up envisioning what his death was like. I can’t have meaningful relationships, because I’m afraid of losing someone again. I miss him every single day.
Litsa September 2, 2022 at 11:16 pm
Jen – I am so sorry. Have you considered therapy. Specifically EMDR therapy can be incredibly helpful for intrusive memories of specific traumatic events, and can help with regaining some sense of safety for caring for someone again. I am so incredibly sorry for your loss and please know it is never too late to get help – many people, even many decades after a traumatic death – are able to find some healing with the right support.
Vnis November 17, 2022 at 3:05 pm
Hello, my boyfriend also died by suicide and I’m heartbroken, I just feel so empty
J.R. Black August 3, 2022 at 8:32 am
My father killed himself in front of me when I was 19. I’m 34 now, and just had a dream he killed someone else in front of me. There’s a lot of skeletons in the closet there.. and he wasn’t a very good person but I idolized him as a kid and since his passing I’ve struggled really hard with it. There’s rumors he hurt people when he was alive and idk how to feel about anything. He enters my dreams a lot and 9 times out of 10 it’s negatively.. I just needed to get it off my chest. Never been to therapy or anything and I’ve always thought I should have done that. I’m thinking I should still do that. But I appreciate the article. Just trying to understand things better.
Litsa August 8, 2022 at 5:51 am
JR, I am so incredibly sorry for your loss and the distressing dreams that have come since. Therapy can be such a huge help in circumstances of traumatic loss, like what you have gone through. There is a type of therapy called EMDR that can be particularly helpful when you’ve witnessed such a difficult death. It is absolutely never too late to seek therapy – it can be such a huge support. This website has a listing for EMDR therapists – https://www.emdria.org/find-an-emdr-therapist/
Faith August 11, 2022 at 5:27 am
My Son shot himself in the head in front of me …I’m losing my mind it’s been a year how are you coping?
Don July 31, 2022 at 9:37 am
As I had commented earlier, I lost my father to suicide on March 5th. I have struggled heavily with my father’s loss. I’ve blamed myself for not being the son that I should have been. I should have seen it coming I should have helped him more. Instead, I worried about my medical issues. He and I both have dealt with back issues for years. I have had numerous back surgeries, implanted morphine pumps, and spinal injections. He was going down that same road I knew what he was headed for, and should have been more supportive. I failed. Now, three weeks ago, I lost my only sibling. My baby sister (5 years younger) was found dead at her house. At 54, she’s dead in her bed, and we don’t know why. All the cops can say is that it’s suspicious circumstances. Her funeral is this coming Saturday. I feel like I’m losing ground and falling into a hole. I think I need to do…..Something.
Litsa September 2, 2022 at 11:10 pm
Don, I am so sorry for all you are coping with. Please consider reaching out to a therapist, or start with your primary care doctor to ask for a referral. Please know that suicide is a symptom of a mental disease. It is not your failure. If you are every in a hole so deep you are thinking of hurting yourself or just need someone to talk with, you can always call 988 to reach a crisis hotline in your area.
Chris Coleman July 10, 2022 at 2:04 pm
My name is Chris Coleman. I am the father of two beautiful daughters. I lost my mother to suicide when my youngest was about a year old. I am now divorced. I suffer from addiction and severe depression. I also want to die. But I don’t want to put my children through that pain. It’s gotten hard to hold a job. I don’t want to get out of bed. My ex calls me a lazy deadbeat every time she sees me and I now believe her. I provided for them the whole time we were married. I was the sole provider the five years she was in maternity leave and when I point that out she says what about before they were born when you were out of work and I carried you. She minimizes everything I ever did by saying she did better and I was just as worthless then as I am now. I want to do well for my children but when I look at what I’m up against I realize there is no way I can beat her and my children’s childhood is lost to me no matter how hard I fight. I know I should fight anyway for them if I truly love them but I wake up every day feeling defeated. Life doesn’t seem worth living with her standing on my throat. So I turn to drugs. I don’t want to do this, I want to be a good father for them. And the whole world views me the same as she, at least that is what I think. I want to be the man I once was but it just seems like the only way is to step up for them, but always be miserable and always lose to her. Provide for them but never truly be happy. Every time I make up my mind that this is what I must do, my misery always gets the best of me.
Isabelle Siegel July 26, 2022 at 6:09 pm
Chris, I am so sorry to hear that you’re going through this and that you’re in such pain. Please know that, no matter what, you are not alone. If you are thinking of hurting yourself, or even if you just need someone to talk with, please call the National Suicide Helpline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit their website where you can do a live online chat https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Dawn September 2, 2022 at 7:14 pm
Chris, when I read what you wrote it was as if I’m reading something written by my son. He had almost the same situation and turned to drugs also. He died after overdosing in his car while driving. Please know that people care about you and that your wife has no right to destroy you. Don’t let her do this to you. There is help for you but you need to seek it. Your children not only need you now, but you need to be with them as they grow up. My son’s kids are growing up with only their mother, and she is a mean and warped person much like your wife. Please do your best to save yourself so that your kids will have the balance and love that only you can provide. If you die, your kids will have a rough time of it. They need you. Check in with your local mental health association. Join a 12 step program. You can recover from this. I will be thinking of you and hoping that you find the help you need. ❤️
Andrea Taylor June 24, 2022 at 5:53 am
Ride … Peace through Connection with Self – Spirit – Nature.
This book is the honest frank story of the first 4 years after my Son departed via suicide. It is a book that empowers and shows the benefit of the NOW for achieving peace at anytime. A book for everyone. Can be found on my website only. I do not support amazon.
Don June 12, 2022 at 11:40 am
My Dad committed suicide on March 5th, 2022. We had spoken that morning. He was short and grumpy with me. He had talked about suicide before but not that day. I had no idea it was coming but wasn’t extremely surprised by it. I wish I’d been a better son. If I’d had done more then maybe he’d still be here. I can’t help but feel like it was my fault. I have made a promise to my wife of over 30 years that I wouldn’t do that to her. I wouldn’t cause her that kind of pain. I really want to keep my word to her she’s my whole world. Last night I somehow forgot that my dad was gone and that he’d killed himself. I think I’m losing my mind. Now the pain of him being gone is fresh again it’s like it was yesterday. I don’t know what I’m going to do.
Linda June 9, 2022 at 7:08 pm
My son, age 41, took his life by shooting himself in the mouth. I have accepted the fact that he is gone and he was mentally ill. All his troubles, financial and otherwise are gone now. Selfishly, I would still rather he still be here alive and part of the family. However, my main question and concern, and one I can’t seem to get answered is Did he feel any pain or was it instant?
Jeannie August 10, 2022 at 1:30 am
Dear Linda, I am so sorry for your loss. My own heart is very broken from the same tragic loss of our own beloved, 43 year old son who took his life 2 years ago, in June. He also died by a self-inflicted gunshot to his head. If I didn’t have my faith and the knowledge that I know that we will be together with him again someday, it would be so much harder for me. The pain that I feel for the sad way he left us is overwhelming to me, even now. I cannot answer your question. I would ask my doctor if he or another doctor he knows, could tell me the answer to that. I do not worry about that now. I only hope that the peace that I know that they have now can be a comfort to you. I hope you have those around you to give you the love and support that you need, even though they might not truly understand all that your grieving, as his mother, entails. I believe in the words of Jesus Christ, “Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid.” Your son knows how much you love him.
Brianne May 26, 2022 at 12:13 am
I just moved in to a 2 unit apartment building. I share my unit with another woman. I have to walk past the family in the front unit to come and go. It is surreal every time I see my neighbor’s car still in the driveway still sealed with stickers from the local sheriff labeled coroner’s investigation. It has been like that for 3 days now. At first when I saw the sealed car I worried that my new neighborhood isn’t safe. When I found out a few hours later that the neighbor had locked herself in her room to protect her 4 children from finding her body hanging in the closet, I was in the denial stage of grief for sure. It had only been 36 hours since she had greeted me kindly from her front porch. I keep seeing that memory of her standing there saying hello to me as I came home from work. In the few weeks I’ve lived here she introduced me to her dog once and said hello a few times. I never really gave her my time or love or respect, though. I judged her that we have nothing in common and I was friendly but always rushing past, not stopping to get to know her. Six days before she took her life, my Mom shared with me that my beautiful hand me down dress I’ve cherished for a decade belonged to a friend of hers that killed herself. Four days after learning that about my dress, or two days before my neighbor died, I took the dress off the hanger and folded it, intending to give it back to my Mom. Even though I’m a stranger to the victim and her family, my initial reaction to the news was to think of all the ways it might’ve been my fault or how I hadn’t prevented it. In addition to that I have been really caught up in my stressful job and sometimes when I first get home it first walk out my door, the sight of the car with stickers jogs my memory again, that this tragic thing that happened 3 days ago isn’t staying in that day that it happened on, but it’s still true every day after that. It’s the strangest feeling of permanence, knowing someone is permanently gone when you JUST SAW them and in your mind you can still see them, as they were alive. It creates a mental confusion, as if my conscious mind can acknowledge the fact that she died, but my subconscious mind is not on the same page, so fresh is the memory of her greeting me after work. Obviously I’ve started with my own grief response, instead of focusing on the grief responses of others, because of the goal of adding nuance of understanding and support to this thread. Simultaneously I’ve also been empathetically grieving for the children who lost their mother and angry that they have so many reasons to believe it’s their fault. My heart keeps breaking for those teenage and preteen girls. On the second day it suddenly hit me that to be a young woman between the ages of 12 and 16 and lose your mother to unexpected suicide Isa potentially life-wrecking traumatic event that could potentially affect these children for decades, or longer. I keep wracking my brain looking for ways to help, but there’s not much I can do. Nobody can bring her back or undo this. It feels like there’s something in the human thought process that struggles with this truth, refusing it, like an inner battle between knowing that this is permanent and believing it can be reversed or fixed somehow. I heard laughter outside ok the second day, and it felt like disrespect. I saw some women taking a walk down the street chatting and realized that no, they don’t have a clue that this place and time is not appropriate for laughter. I continue on in my daily living tasks, and sometimes a feeling hits me out of nowhere, that I am doing this or that yet my neighbor is doing nothing, she’s gone, she’s really gone. Her car sits there like she’s going to drive it again, but it’s a misdemeanor to even open the door. I feel so awkward walking past it to get to my porch, like I’m trespassing. I’m pretty much alone on the property at all times. Just me and the bearded dragon left behind in the kids’ room next door and the stray cat on the lawn that my neighbor used to feed. My neighbor’s family all left right away to stop being at the place where it happened. They left the window ajar because when they woke up that morning to her dead, they just left. My roommate did the same thing, left to be with her family. I feel like I’m carrying some kind of burden, like by staying on the property I have a duty to fulfill, such as continuing to search my mind for the answer to what I can do to help somebody. Sometimes I feel like it doesn’t matter, why help anybody with anything when none of that brings back the loved one they lost. I feel inspired, or assigned by God, to slowly accumulate more resources about grief support post-suicide to help survivors, and write a song or a poem that helps them grieve, that might help prevent someone contemplating it, by somehow turning the shock and grief that survivors feel, and the pain and loneliness that victims felt, into poetic words that somehow don’t glorify the darkness of such pain. It feels like a big burden. I have two sentences so far. There is a heavy silence over me whenever I’m home, just doing what I need to do like eat or clean up, but the whole time, I’m just quiet. I wonder if the lizard’s okay. I console myself that even if it dies too, it doesn’t matter right now. Then I wonder if that’s criminal animal abuse. So many strange thoughts. I spent a few minutes remembering that when I was in summer school health class before starting highschool, we discussed suicide, and a classmate’s sharing was how I discovered that my ex-stepdad had shot himself and my family had not told me that he was gone, but some guy in my health class of kids from multiple high school campuses was a friend of my ex-step-brother’s. It probably took me about twenty five years to finally accept that my stepdad really died of suicide. For a really long time I argued with everyone that it had been murder, because of the events leading up to his death. He stood up to some biker gang guys and told them to stop selling meth to the kids at the middle school on my stepdad’s street. They beat him up. He contacted my mother and begged her to take him back. She explained that she was happily remarried. He boarded up the house from the inside and went under my brother’s bed with a gun. I believed there must have been some way that those drug dealers managed to make it look like he’d boarded up the house. It was only with decades of deeper understanding of myself and my family and my memories of stepdad’s personality combined with adult wisdom that I finally accepted the official cause of death as the truth. I don’t know what else to say. My neighbor has been dead for three days. I’m expecting this to affect our property and the people here in unexpected ways over the next days, weeks, etc. And obviously it will affect the victim’s surviving family forever. If only there were something I could do to help them heal. Like I said, I’m in the denial stage and that car outside my window is surreal.
nakiso May 23, 2022 at 12:36 pm
my brother took his life on 29 april 2022, and i haven’t stopped cried since then. I run out of words trying to describe how I feel. I am a mess, and cannot stop thinking what could have happened if I had called him that week and ask how he have been. I got busy with my own family and hustles, only to receive a call that he had taken some pestscide poison. he called for help for 4hrs but neighbours thought he was drunk, only intervene when he was dying. I wish I had called, i always dayream what could have happened if i had called, i am always imagining things. i am failing to move on, and i wonder if ever the wound will heal. all your stories inspire me, but the guilt and pain wont go away.
Dot May 19, 2022 at 12:23 am
My son was speedballing mother’s day & he came to our house and hung himself in our bathroom at our back door he was addicted to heroin and zanex & meth he passed away last year he was in the cryps gang & has been in & out of jail & prizen sence he was 16 years old he has been to prizen 7 times & was a repeat offender mostly breaking & entering charges & convictions I want to know where his sole went when he passed
Litsa May 27, 2022 at 3:52 am
Dot, I am so sorry that it sounds like it was a hard life that he led and I am sure it was very hard for you and your family. But often times good people still do bad things when substances are involved. Addiction takes over and the drug feels as important as food or water because of the way that it manipulates and changes the brain. It is devastating, but it means that people often do things that they would never do otherwise. I cannot say what happens to a person when they die anymore than anyone else can. But what I will say is that the God of the Christian Bible is a God of mercy and compassion, who cared for the sick and the suffering. If that God exists, I personally would have to believe that he would welcome and care for the souls of those who suffered so painfully in their lives with substance use disorders, like your son did.
Jessica0301 May 3, 2022 at 12:41 pm
My kids father took his own life, he was living in another state and here and there he started to come around to actually be in my daughters lives, this happen two years ago in February 20,2020 and till this day I cry and cry when I’m alone because he was happily married and I will never understand why did he decided to throw himself in Des Moines Iowa River. Just to think I feel like it was very selfish my daughters cry every time they think about him and I just have to show them a lot more love is very hard for me too I went to his funeral with my oldest daughter and she had to say good bye to him in a very sad way they also decided to cremate his body and she was there to witness, such a hard way to end his life he was only 31 years old. My heart feels heavy till this day and no I’m not ok even if I don’t show it, it really kills me to think he is no longer here and is harder to explain this to my children it kills me deeply. 😓 R.I.H. Jovanie Serrano
Heather Thorne April 18, 2022 at 11:35 am
I was 11 when my father took his own life. He was 43. At the time, my sister who was 9 and I were told that he had died of a heart attack in his sleep. I didn’t learn the real cause of death until I was 50, through a family friend, quite by accident. My mother by that time had developed Alzheimer’s disease and was in a nursing home. She couldn’t answer any of my questions.
Suicide of a parent leaves a lifelong impression. For me, not knowing the truth, led me to fear history repeating itself. So until my husband had passed 43 and my children older than 11 and 9, I lived in dread. What a waste.
My mother died 5 years ago having never told me the truth. She couldn’t in the end because of her illness. Secrets, even kept with the best of intentions, are destructive.
Kay March 18, 2022 at 10:47 am
I was married for 25 years to a man that cheated on me. We divorced 16 years ago and he married his latest mistress. He paid me alimony uninterrupted until about 8 months ago when he started being late or missing payments. He never warned me when this happened. Most recently, he just stopped paying me and would not answer my calls or texts about how to solve this. I relied on this money as it was quite substantial and I am unable to work. I started threatening to turn him in for something he had done a few years ago in order to get him to try to work this out. That didn’t work. Eventually, I offered to sign a document to allow him to stop paying me the last 5 years he still owed me if he would just send me a hardship document. He still would not respond. Then, 3 days ago my daughter called to tell me he shot himself. She said it is my fault and I didn’t deserve alimony in the first place and that she read my texts. I guess she didn’t read the part where I offered to let him be done paying alimony. Anyway, I am so torn up over this and can’t live with myself if this is my fault. I have to move into low income housing (I get VA disability) and I have to file bankruptcy. I can’t get anything done because I am in shock and the guilt of being the precipitating event that caused him to end his life. He recently got fired from two jobs due to anger problems and had been drinking heavily. The anger problems started after an accident where he suffered a head injury. So I know he had other things going on that probably had a big affect on his mental health. I was not aware of those things until after his death. But I can’t help but blame myself for being part of the reason he made that decision. I can’t live with that. I have a therapist I am talking to daily right now, but I’m not sure if he’s just telling me it’s not my fault just to make me feel better. I do trust that he is honest and very caring. But a part of me refuses to believe that my ex’s suicide is not my fault. I am so confused and still in shock. I still cared how he was even though he became abusive and cheated on me. You don’t live with someone that long and just stop caring about them. I didn’t want him back or anything like that, and I didn’t miss being with him. I just didn’t want anything like this to happen to him. It’s heavy on my mind and I am so scared that I contributed to his decision. He hated that he had to pay alimony and he hated the thought of jail if I turned him in. I did tell him I was sorry for the threats and promised I would not turn him in and was willing to be done with the alimony. Is there a chance that I pushed him over the edge? So many questions don’t have answers but this one is the biggest.
Litsa March 18, 2022 at 1:56 pm
Kay, please know that one someone dies by suicide there is typically a serious mental health issue and there is nothing external to them that causes a decision like suicide. It sounds like this was a fraught issue, but you provided him a way out of the alimony and were clear that you did not plan to act on your threats. Though we have absolutely no way to know what was going on with him at the time, often if something is causing someone distress that person engages with it in some way – calls, texts, other engagement. It seems incredibly unlikely that if this were a primary issue weighing on him that he would not have engaged and at least explored the options you presented him for getting out of the alimony. Please remember that often when we can’t make sense of a situation, our brains often seek a cause. We would rather blame ourselves (or someone else) than accept that sometimes things are outside of our control and that there is nothing we could have done. In this case, you know SO little about what was going on with him at the time of his death. The only sliver of information you have is the texts that you sent to him, so it makes sense that your brain is weighting them as especially significant. But chances are this was a very small piece of the larger scope of his life, and from what you are describing here you made it very clear that this was a problem with a very clear, tangible solution. Though there will always be unknowns here, but as an outside person reading your words, please know this does not read as something that you should carry guilt for.
Kelly February 18, 2022 at 4:56 pm
My middle sister hung herself in my parents basement with my Dad’s necktie at the age of 26 on 12/29/83….I was 22. She left the poem Children Learn What They Live with her note. I knew she was suicidal and never told my family. I can’t overcome my guilt…the missing, and wanting, and wishing for a different outcome never leave. It’s exhausting at times…so want to find some peace around it! Children Learn What They Live
By Dorothy Law Nolte, Ph.D.
If children live with criticism, they learn to condemn.
If children live with hostility, they learn to fight.
If children live with fear, they learn to be apprehensive.
If children live with pity, they learn to feel sorry for themselves.
If children live with ridicule, they learn to feel shy.
If children live with jealousy, they learn to feel envy.
If children live with shame, they learn to feel guilty.
If children live with encouragement, they learn confidence.
If children live with tolerance, they learn patience.
If children live with praise, they learn appreciation.
If children live with acceptance, they learn to love.
If children live with approval, they learn to like themselves.
If children live with recognition, they learn it is good to have a goal.
If children live with sharing, they learn generosity.
If children live with honesty, they learn truthfulness.
If children live with fairness, they learn justice.
If children live with kindness and consideration, they learn respect.
If children live with security, they learn to have faith in themselves and in those about them.
If children live with friendliness, they learn the world is a nice place in which to live.
Andrea Taylor June 24, 2022 at 6:10 am
Hey Kelly, It sounds like you have had a long journey with guilt. I wrote a book on peace. It maybe helpful for you. Hoping this is not inappropriate. It’s called:
Ride … Peace through Connection with Self – Spirit – Nature
Teresa July 6, 2022 at 9:13 pm
I’ve come across this article 18 years after my first love took his life outside my house. All I can say is I don’t know how, but you keep going. When you feel hopeless you have to remember to stay in the light no matter what you do. Remember to be patient and kind to yourself through out the years. You’ll find a way to keep on and be a good person. May you all find the light. Xoxo
Tamerra LeMay December 29, 2021 at 2:57 pm
I am the mother of my 35 yr old son and MY ONLY CHILD! He was definitely depressed, addicted to any kind of drug he could get his hands on especially OPIOIDS! I regret that I am also in the same position and have been a long time but I have tried so many times I have lost count to get recovery, help and support to no avail! In this the supposed best country in the World we suffer and sacrifice just to pay for our INSURANCE and I stayed at a job for just short of 14 years that I HATED WAKING UP, KNOWING WHO I WAS GOING TO BE judged by and multiple years of EMBARRASSING/SHAMING ME IN FRONT OF ALL MY COWORKERS AT EVERY MORNING MEETING she insisted on having before work was allowed to be performed! I am not making excuses but I am unfortunately not focusing on the original reason or HUMAN I MISS IMMENSELY AND FEEL that I didn’t do enough to help my son before it was too late! I am now the only one living with my 86 yr old father and that is a huge issue with my brother and I as well as my father and his mind and faculties! I NEED PRAYERS ASAP AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE! Thanks for letting me vent!
Carmentine October 20, 2021 at 5:57 pm
My Mother’s birthday will be next week on 10/30. It has been close to 40 years since my Mother gave me the greatest gift and the most painful gift of my life. She took her life. It has taken me 40 years to understand how her taking her life was out of the greatest love for us, not of weakness, nor did she quit on us. This action was all my Mother felt she could give to us, I don’t need anyone in my family to give me validation of this, my heart knows. My head is finally getting there. She left us because there was a create deal of abuse and abandonment in her life. She only had a high school education and was a mother/house wife for sometime. She had no way to truly support take care of her babies. And her love for us was large. My Mother knew how much my grandparents cherished my bother and I; she in her heart knew if she left they would step in. And they did. Sometimes suicide is not selfish…and is never meant to hurt the ones left behind. Now I will say time will never heal this wound, I only have learned to navigate it better and to be an advocate. So that’s what I wanted to share…just something I have been working on.
Anonymous September 3, 2021 at 7:48 am
TW: abuse and atypical grief reaction, for those who might need it:
My emotionally and psychologically abusive and controlling father died by suicide. To be honest, I just feel relieved, in the weeks before he killed himself he left me a couple of voicemails and it triggered me very badly. I had post-traumatic stress reactions as a result of his abuse and so now I just feel free now that he’s not here. I haven’t told that many people that he died as I don’t want their sympathy and the “sorry for your loss”. To me I didn’t lose a father, I lost an abuser, so there’s nothing to be sorry for.
I’m not sure I feel like I really belong in any group of bereaved people. It feels very stigmatising sometimes to be bereaved by suicide and to also feel like it’s a relief because the person was abusive and their death by whatever means equals them not being able to hurt me again. If anyone else has experienced this, sending you lots of love and you’re not alone. <3
Litsa September 14, 2021 at 9:34 am
Please know that you are very much not alone in this. Many others struggle with the complex feelings of grieving someone who was abusive or who they didn’t like, experiencing relief while also the finality of a harmful relationship. This article may be of some support https://whatsyourgrief.com/grieving-someone-you-didnt-like/
Amy October 7, 2021 at 7:47 pm
My narcissistic husband died by suicide almost 3 weeks ago, shortly before he died I asked him for a divorce. At first I felt guilty feeling like I could have stopped him if I would have just stayed home. But for all I know he could of had plans to kill me then himself. I’ve been on an emotional rollercoaster ever since. Most people from his work blame me and so do most of his family. The relief I thought I would feel has not yet come. I have a hard time sleeping and can’t help thinking he orchastraded this just to cause me more pain an agony even after his death. Of course I did find him in the bedroom, he shot himself in the head. Tramatized to say the least, need to find a way to cope having a hard time.
Benjamin Martin August 3, 2021 at 3:11 pm
I had a very dear friend take his own life in April 2021. It was unthinkable given our past as college roommates and roommates later in life when I was living on a couch in a house he was renting. I since have made a better life for myself, but only because I work for his father who is very successful in business. I owe my whole current life and family to this individual and it has been eating at me that he is no longer here. I am an only child but love him and his family like they are my own. I think about him all the time, the finality of it all, just so sad.
To those in this thread who have been dealing with hurt, reach out to someone and just talk, it may not feel like it is helping (at least I didn’t think it had for me) but I truly believe that there is a purpose in everything and if it helps someone else to not walk into the abyss, then the time to respond and conversation was exponentially worth it. Much love to all and I look forward to hearing about your positive experiences.
Nicky Oldham August 28, 2021 at 9:12 am
Hi Benjamin…….. my husbands brother a kind gentle alcoholic since 16 yrs old shot himself at 50 yrs old…. we didn’t see it coming at all…. my hubby says with his death his heart has also gone completely and he finds it hard to love or reach out now…… it seems to me that his brother was the kind side if him …… and now he’s gone there’s no reason to be kind anymore…hubbby was beaten to a pulp regularly as a child by his dad….why should he… I understand but am frightened by the emotions and am helpless to find solutions for hubby or family….. I will stand by hubby and listen as im a strong person but God I’m copping it for being so ….. some days I just want to run away and return to normal………I’m ok but noone around me is….. the reason I still carry on is because of my dad and brothers and family and I have dreams. Keep on keeping on Benjamin ..its good to hear from people who are just being themselves…….
Kindal July 25, 2021 at 1:28 pm
My dad shot himself dec 22 2020. My mom is dead and I have no siblings. I think about just ending it all too. I have no one. No purpose or reason to be here. The few friends I have don’t know what to say or think I should be over it by now. I’m doing all the “right things” to no avail. Therapy, eating right, meditation, exercise, blah blah blah. It’s just getting worse and I’m just getting tired of trying.
CourtKnee July 27, 2021 at 3:14 am
I can relate. Please keep swimming. Don’t stop. I don’t want to keep treading these waters, but I don’t know what lies ahead. Your friends don’t get it. Your grief will take time. Feeling “okay” again will take time. I lost my dearest friend to suicide Oct 2020. I had no idea how much it would affect me. But it did… and I am wrecked. I can’t know your pain, but I can’t tell you that I searched randomly on Google, found your entry and felt compelled to type this out. Please keep swimming, just like Dory says “just keep swimming swimming swimming”
Mike B. August 30, 2021 at 11:22 am
God LOVES you, and has a plan and purpose for your life, at the end of the tunnel there is a light and his name is Jesus Christ, his word says in John 8:12 When Jesus spoke again to the people, he said, “I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life. ”
and in Psalm 37: 5-6 Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act.
He will bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday. and in Isaiah 60: 1 Arise, shine, for your light has come, and the glory of the Lord has risen upon you.
Christ LOVES you and Blessings!
Jeannie March 4, 2022 at 3:32 am
Dear Kindal, please don’t give up! I know there is a God who does love you and who wants you to find peace in this life. For me, serving others in need helps ease my pain. My church, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, provides opportunities for me to help others who are grateful for my help, like bringing a meal to someone who is sick. I am continuing to heal from the tragic loss of my own dear son, who took his life in June of 2020. I hope and pray that there are those around you that can give you the love and care that you need at this time!
saige overson July 5, 2021 at 6:38 pm
My mom killed herself with a pistol in front of my dad with all of us in the house on june 8, 2020. it was so unexpected and traumatic i don’t even think i have processed it yet. sometimes i just pretend shes on a long vacation and will come back one day. i miss her so much. life doesn’t feel real anymore.
bette July 3, 2021 at 3:53 pm
My young son took his life at 16. It was shocking . I was home and heard the noise from the gun. No we were not gun owners. It was hard and still is. No time did not help, but I have learned to live with it. It’s a lonely existence because I think friends avoid me so we don’t have to talk about it or they don’ t know what to say. To this day no one in the house talks about it. I am a survivor.
Robert January 1, 2022 at 7:46 pm
My son of 16 took his life 12/17/21 all over a girl that strung him along and the abuse that his mother and her boyfriend did to him. He was a good young man that I would do anything you asked him. Since he’s been with me for the last 8 years he has had a safe environment. My wife and I I would do anything for him. He wanted to be in counseling we got him started. I feel the counselor didn’t do nothing for him I think he they looked at him as more is a cash cow because of the insurance we had and a rather string things along then get down to the nitty-gritty and help. The worst thing of all he text his sister said I love you to try to get ahold of them right away but he already pulled the trigger luckily it was a GPS tag on it and she found him on the ditch bank leaning against the tree and I was only a few minutes behind definitely not a scene that you want your other child to see. Come to find out the girl knew my son was going to do this and since she was mad at him she didn’t call no one
Litsa January 23, 2022 at 9:55 pm
Robert, I am so incredibly sorry for this devastating loss. It sounds like you and your family were doing all that you could for him, to show him support and love. I hope that you and your whole family are able to find the support you need. This website has many resources and information about support groups for families who have lost a loved one to suicide.
S June 24, 2021 at 10:05 pm
A good friend of mine jumped in front of a train very unexpectedly. I’m heart broken and here trying to find some clarity. Thank you.
Carolann Leibovitz May 31, 2021 at 7:03 am
My beautiful daughter 30 died by suicide on 4/20/21. I am still in shock! She left a beautiful son age 8 who is gentle soul . I can’t breathe and I feel so lost . I did not realize how much she was suffering . I hurt so bad for my family and grandson .
Devin garth July 13, 2021 at 5:54 pm
My best friend and step father shot my uncle then took his life shortly after 06/16/21 there was so much blood to clean up and now I live in my house alone. It is hard to hold out hope but try until you can’t any longer many people are suffering confide in those who know what you are going through peace be with you.
Cindy January 10, 2022 at 4:06 pm
My daughter was 30 also and left behind my 8 yr old grandson too. This happened August 2021, a few months after you lost your daughter. I feel so lost and heartbroken as well. Hugs and prayers to you, I hope you found a support group. I found one on FB that has been extremely helpful, just for moms.
Linda January 21, 2022 at 2:13 pm
I too, lost my precious daughter, Kelly, by suicide. She chose to take her life, November 16, 2021, by shooting herself in the head. She was and is my love and best friend. I have episodes of breaking down and sobbing, my chest will hurt, and I have a hard time breathing. There’s never a day that I don’t miss her. It’s like being turned inside out with no way back. I have no thoughts of suicide myself, but I do wonder how much longer I will survive with a shattered heart. It’s so painful.
Michelle Masterson May 28, 2021 at 6:08 am
My husband who was an alcoholic, took his life May 8th 2021. He had other mental issues with a traumatic Brain Injury. Earlier last year he had threatened to burn down our house. He had burned my personal belongings with some household items. I divorced him in Jan 2021 but we continued our relationship living together. When he died because we were not married his son and sister decided no funeral, I couldnt say good bye and his sister stole our joint bank card and charged a room at the Hampton Inn while her brother was at a cheap motel leaving him unattended. I need no pity , alcoholics are nortorius for blame and shame and I refuse to allow him to make me feel I did anything to cause this it was his decision alone. I just greive any human being could be that dark to do this but he is at peace. I pray the unjustice his sister and son (who were estranged from him) will get their Karma.
Betsy May 12, 2021 at 4:20 pm
Hang in there sweet heart. I know how very sad and scared you are. Remember dumbo with his big ears. He said “the very thing that has held you down will lift you up again. “. I know it feels Impossible. Try to pray to stop the negative chatter in your brain I will say prayers for you too. I love you !!!
Lauren July 11, 2021 at 7:39 am
My “other half” as he would say, had years of abandonment and insecuritie issues from a broken home as a child that were never resolved. He came into me and my two daughters lives a couple years ago. He gained so much peace and achievements in this time and he constantly smiled up until the weeks that he died. We fought often but I felt I was fighting another side, the ill side. He felt as if everything that ever mattered was slipping away from him and his mental disease convinced him it was. He beat me and then decided to take his own life. This has been a roller coaster of emotions because he was the perfect man when things were good, but when stress/ anxiety/ depression/ life situations took over, all those uneasy feelings kept coming back. I wish and pray there was something I could have done, but ultimately I feel he is finally at peace and is in heaven holding our beautiful baby that we lost together. I am angry at him for leaving us but I am understanding in knowing that what he did was not the man I knew and that mental illness is a real issue, so I pray for those who see the signs leading up and do all you can, Lord knows I did, but it was too much to overcome. I will always love him and what he did for me and the girls, but I know I will see him again some day 🙂
Houston P April 27, 2021 at 7:09 pm
My name is Houston and I am from Jackson Ms. 3 years ago my brother and I left are cousins weddings and headed home. Once we got home we decided to ride around the neighborhood and smoke a cigarette and drink a beer. We had drinken that night and should not have been on the road. On are way back to the house I feel asleep and my brother ran into one of neighbors mailbox. The neighbor ran out of house screaming and called the police. I was 23 at the time and my brother 22. The cops came and I told my brother to run home and hide bc before they got there bc he had gotten in trouble before I hadn’t. Once cops got there I took the blame but the neighbor yelled and insisted he had saw my brother driving and he had left. They made me call are Parker’s who went to my room found my brother woke him up and brought him back down to the scene. The cops then said he was going to be arrested. He asked the cops if he could grap his wallet out of his truck to give to are parents and they said sure. He went to the truck and I watched him grap his 357 magnum and put it to his head and blew his brains out. The scene, blood, and his dead body will never leave my mind. It scares me to this day. Everyday is a roller coaster. I’m a happy person but this scene comes and goes in waves and makes me so depresses. I’ve never had any legal trouble in my life and am not a trouble maker. I have a beautiful wife now and am 26 years old but will never be able get this out of my head or the depression. I guess I went to this form to try and find somebody who may have had this happen or seen something similar to give tips on numbing the pain.
Jason April 26, 2021 at 8:54 am
On April 8th the love of my life took her life almost right in front of me. I still don’t know when or how she took the pills that killed her. Naproxen overdose prescribed for her tonsillectomy. She had fought depression and suicidal thoughts and attempts since she was young. She had attempted it 3 other times that I know of when we were together. I tried to make her get therapy she tried antidepressants but it made her feel worse. We were planning on getting married. She has a four year old daughter who was in our apartment when she did this her 3 year old niece was there as well. I knew she was having trouble coping with life. She told me so many times she wanted to die. This tragic event has destroyed me. I no longer feel like anything matters anymore. I have so many why’s so many things I need answers to. She hid her true feelings very well from her family. She never really told them how bad she was hurting. I will never get over her or this. Nothing can make the pain go away. She had told me 5 days before she was going to get help that she couldn’t live like this anymore. She was always there for everyone else when they were depressed or sad. She had one of the most pure hearts and was the best mother I’ve ever seen. For her to do this with her daughter and niece and I there she had to of really been hurting more than I could have ever understood. Even in death she still gave everything. She was an organ donor and now several people will have life because of her. I miss her more than anyone can understand. Life does not make sense anymore.
To my honey bunny thank you for the love you made me feel. I will never forget you or get over you. I hope you have peace now. I truly love you with everything in me ❤❤❤
Joshua Brumett April 24, 2021 at 11:06 pm
my girlfriend commited suicide with her dads pistol today. I am 15 and this is my first time experiencing true loss i do not know how to feel.
Jo October 14, 2021 at 1:54 am
My mum took her life a week ago from alcohol and overdose. I’m the only child and although 45 and have my own kids I feel like a sunken ship. I’ m not understanding it at all and feel I should have known the depression that must have been there. What takes a person to that place. What makes them snap? I loved her so much and feel so let down. Do we ever get over this sort of thing. I feel every emotion there is – hurt, anger, sad….. the questions about why haunt me. The questions about what if jaunt me?
Danielle March 31, 2021 at 10:39 pm
My dad took his life October 13, 2017. I was 22 years old. My dad was missing for a little over 6 weeks and we found him in the woods on Thanksgiving. The day he died, half of myself died with him. I instantly was a mess when he went missing and when we found him. It all happened so fast and I was never able to get any closure from this. Since that traumatic experience I have suffered from anxiety and depression. My dads side of the family stopped talking to my mom, my brother and I. We recently just started talking to my Nana (his mom) in November and she just died a week ago from mental illness and she stopped eating. For some reason lately, I have been non stop crying over the death of my dad and everything he is missing out on. I miss talking to him and sharing our love for 80s rock and roll. I miss every single thing about him. Tomorrow is my birthday and I can’t bare celebrating another birthday or any holiday or anything for that matter without him. People always say with time it gets easier but for me it has gotten harder and harder each day. I am having such a hard time controlling my emotions lately. I miss my dad so much.
jeremy April 9, 2021 at 1:34 am
Stay strong buddy. It hasnt gotten any easier, yet. However, you have gotten stronger every day. It just gets more and more to be an accepted ne normal. April 14,2008… My big brother died that way too. then eight months and four days later, December 18, 2008 …my little brother died from asperating. Its been a long struggle to find peace and knowledge through it all, but it has helped me to help others, be cool and learn to live for you buddy. FOR YOU! YOU DESERVE LIFE! TTYL, JEREMY
Anonymous March 28, 2021 at 6:51 pm
My little brother died from suicide this December, a week after his birthday. Out of my entire Family, we knew each other the most. I knew him better and have spent more time with him than with anyone else. We shared music, hobbies, worldviews, and we would talk about our dreams. We would both stay up late, and dream during the day, about how we’d do something so crazy that even the universe would take notice. He was not in the best situation, and now during these depressing times it got even worse. He was stubborn, he wouldn’t answer the phone or texts so I’d have to get to him through calling my parents. He wrote some final paragraphs while listening to music, some very depressing, melancholic music. At night he made himself something to eat, went to the mountain that we stare when looking out the window of our parents house. And under the moonlight he jumped after putting his belongings on a neat line, even with his his bank card showing his ID.
I knew him the best, and I didn’t think of him the past few months. He was always on the verge, his two sides fighting, and I was too busy trying to get through the depressing winter on my own to even think of my little brother. Struggling at home. And even the few times I would think of him, I didn’t act. He was the most important person in my life, I’ve never been more myself with anyone, and so everything we shared is put into question now. I had a tremendous amount of faith in his abilities, in his determination. I cannot, not learn from this situation. I already see myself as a failure as a brother, it doesn’t matter if people try to comfort me by saying otherwise. I know of many things of what I did which was good, and I know I could’ve and should’ve done more.
I listen to his last songs sometimes, look at his pictures, and I know I have to be okay with everything about this situation. I have to live with him by my side and I have to think through it clearly, and harshly. Otherwise I am a loser. I already couldn’t interpret my brother properly, after all this time. I have to understand him now, after what happened. Or it’s pointless, and he’ll be right
D March 27, 2021 at 11:58 pm
It’s been about a year and a half since it happened. For what felt like the longest time nobody joked about suicide, helpline + lifeline posts were everywhere over instagram, everyone was talking about mental health. Now life is normal again, though, and it feels like everyone has moved on except me. He wasn’t my best friend or anything – maybe like a good friend at most – so part of me is always telling myself that I shouldn’t be hurting right now. That if his best friends and his mom and his dad and family are all doing ok then I should be. But i’m not. What hurts the most is I don’t even know the last words I said to him or he said to me. Maybe if I had said something, or sat at his lunch table with him that day, or called him or anything at all he would still be here right now. He never experienced COVID, never got his license, never got a job, never watched Tom Brady get his 7th ring. Every night I think about everything that I got to see and feel and love, and then remember that he’s not here. It feels like eating before everyone gets their food – part of me just wants to fucking wait for him to catch up to where I am. I want to talk to him about COVID, about all the places I can drive now with my license, tell him about my job, and how Tom Brady’s the GOAT. But I can’t. Because he’s gone.
julia bannister March 27, 2021 at 7:27 pm
It has been 3 years since the love of my life took his life. It still hurts and I wake up thinking about him, all day and night.
I miss him so much.
Oh, and the guilt is unbearable. We had argued, and I said horrible things. I lied and said that I didn’t love him anymore. I told him that I “wished he was a better man”, and other stingers I knew would hit his vulnerability.
I will never find “closure”. I will never stop missing him, longing for him. And I will never love a man the way I did John. Yes, the guilt will also never stop.
Thank you for reading this.
Richard Martino May 1, 2021 at 7:54 pm
Julia I lost my daughter two years ago she was 37 years old she was my oldest daughter I have one other daughter my oldest daughter Amber 💗I lost my daughter two years ago she was 37 years old she was my oldest daughter I have one other daughter my oldest daughter Amber was struggling struggling all the time. She took her life when it wasn’t expected I know it’s a different situation that you were in but I know the pain and Jesus died on the cross for all of us because he loves all of us he doesn’t want to see us in pain it’s the only way I’ve been able to get through this and I know he loves you and he wants you into His life which is everlasting I know we never have to live this pain forever
Josie Evanson December 12, 2021 at 11:22 pm
My wonderful bf just killed himself 7 days ago. He left behind our only son, a 4 month old boy. I had no idea he was depressed. Or that he ever had considered it before. We spent the day together, even attending an Xmas work party. No booze of course. He made himself something to eat while I bathed our son. I laid down on the couch with the baby, while he finished eating. After dinner he said I’m gonna smoke a cig quick. I said- we will be right here. 10 minutes later, he shot himself on my back steps. No warning. No note. Nothing. I’m lost, confused, and broken. We had plans. Goals. Dreams. I look back and think I missed so much. I also beat myself up because I’m a licensed counselor! I should have known!
Anyway, I’m just looking to connect with anyone that also lost their significant other- especially after they had a baby.
I don’t know how to live without him. And most minutes of the day, I don’t want to. But I have a son- so it’s not that simple. I know I need to be here for him. It just hurts so bad.
If anyone has any suggestions or ways I can connect- let me know. I’m really just trying to justify living in this cruel world.
I’m sorry to hear about your loved ones passing. If you want- I’d love to connect. Email me if you want.
Litsa December 27, 2021 at 2:57 pm
Josie, I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. You can search for suicide loss groups in your area at this website: https://afsp.org/find-a-support-group
Kayleigh December 31, 2021 at 7:36 pm
I lost my partner on 6th December 2021, he threw himself off a bridge after suffering with depression. Our son was just 5 weeks old. He planned to end his life 3 weeks earlier, telling me how he would do it. We tried to get him help but he was already in a dark place. I feel angry that he could do this to us..
Mandy March 16, 2021 at 8:19 pm
I as of last week lost my best friend of 20years who took her life. Not only did I lose her I also lost who would have been my godchild, she was 6 months pregnant at the time. The baby lived a few days so at least we got that I guess. My biggest thing is we all knew she was struggling with the pregnancy and did what we thought was everything in our power to help her. Her husband, family, friends were always on the phone with doctors, therapist, crisis centers and every time they took a step, they would just let her go. She had been directly taken to a center for mental health about a week before she died and they denied her, said she didn’t meet their criteria to commit her. I as a studying therapist have always had faith our mental health system was working on getting better now it’s hard for me to trust at all. Everything I have researched has said that pregnant women are always first priority because of what’s happening in their body that they don’t understand but she was pushed away. I’m very lost with all of this because I have always believed help is always there, but now I’m not so sure. I guess for me it’s where do we go from here. How do we fix a system that I total feel let my best friend fall through the cracks. I thing about her was up until about a month into her pregnancy she was always the happy, understanding, loving person. At the end though she was a shell of herself. I’ve done research and many studies in other countries recognize suicide as a high statistic killer in pregnant women, but up until last week none of us around her knew that. How is that possible. I’m am devastated which I know is understandable but I also feel so guilty that I should have been able to do more. How do I make this epidemic heard, how do I make sure another family can get the help they need before it’s too late.
Laquita Hughes March 25, 2021 at 10:33 pm
my childhood friend just killed himself and its hard because he tried to visit me a month ago. i was so busy and overwhelmed that i told him i would see him next time. he loved me abd even wore a pic of me around his neck growing up. i feel like i could have changed his mind. im so hurt and mad
sarah September 27, 2021 at 5:58 pm
Your story was the only one i could find similar to mine. My first childhood(highschool) love hung himself. I am devastated. We would communicate off and on throughout 15 years of knowing each other. We were depression buddies. He would bring me out of my depression and i’d bring him out of his. He tried to send me a message on fb. I deleted it without opening it and 3 weeks later he hung himself. I feel so guilty and ashamed and sad. I miss him dearly. I don’t think all the time in the world will heal how i feel.
JR March 12, 2021 at 12:40 pm
My cherished wife died by suicide almost a month ago after nearly 10 years together. The pain is still very raw and fresh. We had an instant connection and a fairytale romance. Then, we started a popular business together 5 years ago, and so her death has been very public in our area with newspaper tribute articles (hardest interview ever) and hundreds of people looking to learn more details, express condolences, and show me happy photos or her bright smiling lively face. She hid her depression from the public so well that nobody could see it. Our business has been struggling through Covid, and it will fall apart if I take time off, especially now that I’ve taken on her role in addition to my own. I break down every time a known customer or former employee walks through the door for the first time since she died, but I pick up and carry on. I’m falling behind because I get too exhausted from the grief to work as hard as I did when she was alive.
Sadly, her depression and previous attempts at suicide were well known to me, and me alone. They dated back to before we met, and she had been hospitalized for her depression a few times before. Her first husband had died 1.5 years before we met, and they had a young son. I saw her grieve and help her son through grief counseling, but despite her loss, she loved me with a passion and intensity I have never experienced with anybody else…..so I have hope and strength from her that I too will someday get past the crushing grief, body aches, chills, trembling, and lack of energy that I suffer now.
Still, I cannot get over the feeling that I should’ve found a way to stop her. She usually hid it so well from me until well after her failed attempts when she was in a better place. The previous weekend she had disappeared suddenly and at the wrong time of day, and I instantly realized that she intended to harm herself. I had the police track her cell phone, and asked them to have her hospitalized. They found her sitting in her car at a rest area. She had been planning on jumping in front of a truck, but when she saw a police car coming up the ramp she retreated to her car to avoid looking suspicious (she later confided in me). She smiled, told them she was fine, and they called to tell me they couldn’t keep her. She had stopped taking her meds and talking to therapists over a year ago, repeatedly said she was broken and couldn’t be fixed. She suffered from poorly-treated excruciating migraines. Through it all, she would recover and seem completely fine, happy, and loving.
She finally switched physicians and got the new one to prescribe her a lethal dose of a blood pressure medication that she told them she takes for migraines (she had never taken it before, I figured this out after her death by going through her emails and the possessions that the police returned to me). It was our busiest week of the year at the business and she carried out her daily routine as usual, then snuck out the back while I was distracted with group of customers, turned off her cell phone so I couldn’t track her, went straight to the pharmacy, and took the pills.
I keep going over her last weeks trying to figure out what I could’ve said or done to stop her. I knew from her that her teenage son had been telling her to kill him and then kill herself repeatedly, and she was trying to get the state or school system to intervene and take him. Her best friend comforts me daily assuring me that she loved me right up to the end, and still got googly-eyed talking about me. I know she was stubborn and had a strong spirit desperately trying to escape a diseased brain that was dealing with way to many issues. We have memorials in both of our shops, and every morning I fall apart in front of her pictures before I let the employees or public in, and I ask why she wouldn’t let me save her. She was so happy and vibrant with me most of the time, and I could talk her out of almost anything…..but she got too sophisticated and outsmarted me. She was just so beautiful inside and out that I couldn’t imagine her dying when I was looking at her. I have pictures from our honeymoon, smiling with her mischievous grin and wearing a t-shirt that professed “One of a kind.” The shirt was right, and she’s left a giant gaping hole in my heart that will never be fully patched. I am blessed to have two young adults sons from a previous marriage and a large network of friends keeping watch over me while I grieve, but I can’t help being sadder than I ever thought possible.
For those with a spiritual side, she did appear to me in a dream for the first time a couple days ago looking healthy and pure. She leaned over me and told me she needed to go on a journey and research the sun to heal, and that it may be couple years before she is able to reach out again. I don’t know what that means. Maybe it was just a dream, maybe more.
Joanna February 27, 2021 at 12:43 pm
I am with my sister who is griefing the loss of her son who took his life. How do I help her. I listen, let her cry & hold her. I don’t know what else to do.
Michelle March 4, 2021 at 3:46 pm
Hi Joanna. I am very sorry for your loss. My partner took his life 8 months ago and my sister was there for support. I hated the curiosity, the judging, the blaming and the scrutiny that I got from friends and family. All I wanted and what my sister gave me, was to listen and to let me cry, precisely what you’re doing now. This website and Gratefulnes.org have been a tremendous help to me at times when I am at my lowest. I am sure you and your sister can benefit from it too.
Jessica February 16, 2021 at 1:00 pm
I lost my husband to suicide in 2019!! He was struggling with his family dynamic growing up and the concept of parenting his children. We were together from a young age and he was in and out of substance misuse. He had a strange relationship with his brother, which he stated he felt second best. My husband found it hard to process his emotions, but when things got significantly bad for him, all our long term friends disappeared and his family refused to acknowledge his issues or pain. He than made contact with his father who tried to talk some rational into him. This wasn’t to be. The pain doesn’t disappear, but your life has to go on. Although, at times I think why wasn’t I enough, I look at my boys and I want to give them the childhood he didn’t have. I was lucky to understand my husband’s deepest feelings and I try so hard to show him he had achieved so much; but with the lack of support from his mother, he felt like a failure. So I definitely won’t be making that mistake again and I will be learning from what he said to me.
We all have choices in life, but we definitely need to try and remine compassionate. I worked in Children’s Service when this happened and I was treated poorly, due to people not knowing how to approach me. But one thing I will say is that you are only human and it is ok to ask for help, but be prepared to have self- empowerment. If you overcome this on your own, you will become so strong in life.
Remember the goods times, cry if you are emotional and reach out if you need to talk. Life is too beautiful and precious, not to seek help.
Isabelle Siegel February 17, 2021 at 12:25 pm
Jessica, I’m so very sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story and these important words of encouragement/empowerment. I want you to know that you sound like an incredible mother and that your children are very lucky to have you in their lives. All the best to you.
Johnny February 12, 2021 at 5:40 am
I lost one of my best friends and longest friendship this last August. We’d known each other since 95 and we’re each other’s first school friends. He and I watched each other grow up. We both unfortunately didn’t/don’t have much passion for life.
We were honest with each other about how we felt in life. We both have felt extremely suicidal on more than a few occasions in our life. I myself have tried killing myself 3 times. My friend took his life with his first attempt. He just had better means to do so.
I think the biggest difference between the two of us is that back at the end of 2015 I sought out therapy and was put on an antidepressant. Fast forward to 2018 and I was officially diagnosed bipolar. Since then I’ve had 6 therapist and been on over 10 different meds. He never got help.
I did all I could to help out my friend. I promoted meds and therapy…. But was brutally honest with the downfalls of each. When I think about it, I’m glad he doesn’t hurt anymore. And I don’t blame him. I get it and relate…. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t deeply hurt.
Right before he took his life we talked and said this world wasn’t for us and it’s like we were just playing a game and seeing who would kill themself first. Just some dark humor between friends. One of the last texts he sent me just said “thanks man, no seriously thanks”. When I read that I knew I was going to lose my friend soon. He ended things two days later.
It’s a shit feeling knowing that you’ll never see or hear someone again. Except for in dreams and memories. It’s a shit feeling falling into the “what could I have done different” and “I’m to blame” game. I don’t feel it a lot, and when I do I use what I’ve learned through therapy to help me through it. But, it’s a tar pit trap. Life is a bit shittier without him, but I still genuinely laugh and smile everyday. I miss my friend. I miss the part of me that died with him.
Isabelle Siegel February 17, 2021 at 1:10 pm
Johnny, I’m so very sorry for your loss and for all of the pain you’ve been forced to endure. I’m so glad to hear that you are getting help. You sound like an incredibly resilient person; that is something to be proud of. I hear that you feel guilty about your friend’s death, which is normal and okay. I recommend you check out these articles: https://whatsyourgrief.com/guilt-and-grief-2/ and https://whatsyourgrief.com/guilt-vs-regret-in-grief/ For anyone who is thinking of hurting themselves, or even who just needs someone to talk with, please call the National Suicide Helpline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit their website where you can do a live online chat https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Gamaliel Vasquez February 11, 2021 at 3:18 am
My name is Gab and I’m 34 years old and I am grieving the loss of my wife. During the most difficult time in my life, God sent me an angel. She comforted my broken soul and held me during my last days before brain cancer took my life away. My wife bore my sons and daughters. My wife fulfilled what God’s plans for her were, she is God’s perfection. I instantly fell in love because I was finally filled and was rescued from evil. I had two brain surgeries and my dear wife never left my side but then the right frontal Stupid lame ass me in my head pushed her away. I became bitter, toxic, and now I am suicidal. I’m already dead. Despite having children, I know that they don’t need me and they will have a better life without me. I really really miss my wife. I wish I could of been what my wife desires. I’m ashamed of myself, I am a mistake of human life. I need help, I’m empty and vulnerable to pull this trigger here in this cold garage, where I now sleep alone.
Isabelle Siegel February 11, 2021 at 2:54 pm
Gamaliel, I am truly so sorry that you’re feeling like this. I know that you feel hopeless, but please know that you have many reasons to live. Your children do need you. You are NOT a mistake. Perhaps it would be helpful to seek out the support of a therapist trained in grief, which you can find here: https://grief.com/grief-counselor-directory/. If you are thinking of hurting yourself, or even if you just need someone to talk with, please call the National Suicide Helpline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit their website where you can do a live online chat https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Alijaha February 8, 2021 at 7:31 am
My brother hung himself just over a year ago. Chazzy was also my best friend, we talked all the time and went through absolutely everything together, there wasn’t anything we didn’t talk about. Due to a less than desirable childhood we both saw me as the parental figure in the family, never learning coping skills or mature ways of handling my emotions thus never being able to properly “parent” my siblings. We’ve talked about this and many apologies have come from all of this and yet I still often found myself either lecturing or complaining in some manipulative way, this includes the day my brother died. The guilt I have is tremendous, part of me knows that he loves me and forgives, but the rest of my thoughts are so much loader. I keep trying to read on how to work through my grief, how to figure out the way to live without him, and i keep reading about the stages of grief. How each stage is important but I’m having a really difficult time with the anger stage. Im not angry with my brother at all and I’m not sure I will ever be. I don’t know if being angry at other people counts cause God knows the anger I feel being told I need to move past it and live my life…..like I’ve just been waiting for someone to tell me that and now I’ll be all better. What I guess I’m looking for is any tips on the HOW to move past this. How I’m supposed to work on the anger stage. And to be another voice/story out there in hopes that it can help someone in some way. My heart goes out to all of you in pain. Thank you for taking the time to read this and for any for any advice I can get. ❣️
Isabelle Siegel February 9, 2021 at 9:16 am
Alijaha, I am truly so sorry for your loss and for the pain you’re being forced to endure. Unfortunately, there is no simple hack to move past grief. In fact, we never really “get over” grief… We just learn to adjust to a new normal. I highly recommend you check out this article: https://whatsyourgrief.com/grief-recovery-is-not-a-thing/ I also suggest you give this article a read: https://whatsyourgrief.com/five-stages-of-grief/ Although the idea of working through five stages of grief and then reaching healing is desirable, it is rarely that straightforward. You will find a way through this, but give yourself the space to feel whatever it is you need to feel. It’s okay if you never feel angry… There is no “right” way to grieve. All the best to you.
Johnny February 12, 2021 at 5:08 am
Hey man, I can relate to how you feel. I’ve felt a lot of the same feelings….but I don’t know you or your life’s story. That’s not the point though.
From personal experience, life is shitty and very very tiring. But, some of the best things I’ve ever experienced came when things were the darkest. Came with a great amount of effort.
You gotta look for a reason to smile every day, no matter how small it is. You gotta find a reason to live for yourself. Therapy and medications help. Or, at least can. I’ve had mixed experience. I truly hope that you read this and it helps in some way no matter how small.
Sarah February 7, 2021 at 1:33 am
I lost my brother 8-12-2020. It’s been excruciating and hard not to disconnect/detach from others. I grew up “saving” my older brother from failed attempts, but it had been over a decade since his last attempt. I miss him so much and while I always knew it was a possibility to lose him in this way, it wasn’t expected/detectable this time and that mixed with my past of always being there except this time is making this so much harder. They still haven’t closed his case so we’re still have so many questions. Thank you for your content. It’s been a helpful resource.
Isabelle Siegel February 9, 2021 at 9:46 am
Sarah, I’m so very sorry for your loss. My heart truly goes out to you. I’m glad to hear that our website has been helpful. Please know that, no matter what, you are not alone. We are here for you.
Tami January 24, 2021 at 11:06 pm
My ex took her life on Aug 8th 2020, I dont believe I have actually grieved I tried and was the best mom I could be to our 4 children ranging from 27-19 they found her. And lately I habe been having visions of her doing it. And I dont understand why its very bothersome.
Isabelle Siegel January 25, 2021 at 9:49 am
Tami, I’m very sorry for your loss and for the pain you are experiencing. Please know that intrusive thoughts after a loss are completely normal and okay. I recommend you check out this somewhat related article, which touches on these types of thoughts: https://whatsyourgrief.com/nighttime-rumination-grief/ You are not alone. All the best to you and your children.
Patricia Valdez January 24, 2021 at 9:23 pm
We lost our son January 6 2021 to suicide
It’s a long complicated but amazing story.
My husband and I at 16 relinquished our son thru adoption.
We later married and had 3 more children.
We started a search for our son when he was 18 and he for us.
We found each other when he was 25.
He was in another state but we managed to create a loving relationship
We were able to be there for his wedding, birth of his children, building his home,
Starting his own business.
Then over the last 2years his loss of marriage his relationship with his children and loss of business.
His death was a shock but not his pain.
We spoke almost daily
We thought he was beginning a new life.
I his mother am so so miserable that we have lost him for a second time.
My body and heart hurt so much that I can not find sleep.
I am so grateful that we had the last 24 years as a family but my entire family and grandchildren are in such pain!
Isabelle Siegel January 25, 2021 at 9:52 am
Patricia, I’m truly so sorry for your loss and for the pain you and your family are being forced to navigate. What an incredible story… I’m so glad you found each other and had 24 years together. That being said, that doesn’t make your pain any easier or any less valid. You can be grateful for the time you spent together AND also mourn your loss. You may want to check out these articles: https://whatsyourgrief.com/grief-and-sleep/ and https://whatsyourgrief.com/physical-grief-symptoms/ All the best to you and your family.
Cyndi Fern January 21, 2021 at 11:38 am
My 16 year old daughter took her life on 12/28/2020. My 3 year old son and I found her in her room. A memory that replays in my head over and over. She took a piece of my heart with her. The police took her phone and her diary. When they left I went through everything in her room. It was hard seeing her Christmas gifts. Some of them still in packages. I found her old phone with the screen cracked. I found messages from a boy telling her she should kill herself. He sent a picture of a man with a gun. He told her it was his hit man. I know why my daughter ended her life. I understand what she went through. I just wish she could have talked to me. On line trolling hurts people. We are facing covid. Social distance. Our children are attending classes online. Being online to learn, communicate with friends, ect. is the new normality. Isolation, loneliness, is being taught to our children. A mask covering our smiles, our frowns, our children. The Internet becomes everything to them. Her phone honestly became her life. A life ripped away from ignorance. She was a gentle soul. This man crushed her soul. I hope the police find him. I hope my daughter is a peace. She deserved the world and he took if from her.
Isabelle Siegel January 22, 2021 at 10:34 am
Cyndi, words cannot describe how truly sorry I am for your loss. I can only imagine the tremendous pain you are experiencing. I, too, hope the police find the man who instigated her suicide. Please know that, no matter what, you are not alone.
Charlotte Crosset January 20, 2021 at 4:16 pm
My best friend took away his life in the 9 of July 2020. I loved him and never loved someone like this before, we had a special relationship and we knew each other since I was 16 and he was 19. 4 years in total.
It was more than just a « young love » as some people might say. It was way more than that. It was like the one person you connect with and you just can’t explain it.
I’m lost, I don’t know how to live without him, I’m feeling so empty. Sometimes I tell myself « what’s the point of even trying getting better? ». I cannot describe my feelings, and I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m feeling so helpless.
Isabelle Siegel January 22, 2021 at 10:46 am
Charlotte, I’m very sorry for your loss. What you’re feeling–the helplessness, emptiness, etc.–is so normal and valid. You may want to check out these articles: https://whatsyourgrief.com/what-does-grief-feel-like/ and https://whatsyourgrief.com/grief-recovery-is-not-a-thing/ Please know that you are not alone in this. It might be helpful to seek out the support of a therapist trained in grief and bereavement, which you can find here: https://complicatedgrief.columbia.edu/for-the-public/find-a-therapist/. If you are thinking of hurting yourself, or even if you just need someone to talk with, please call the National Suicide Helpline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit their website where you can do a live online chat https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ All the best to you.
Carolyn January 13, 2021 at 11:54 am
Today would have been my 26th wedding anniversary. My husband ended his walk through this life in June 2019. He was never a depressed person…. he lived with arachnoiditis which is a horrible chronic pain condition. He became very bitter and angry the last few years of his life and I wasn’t there for him as I should have been. A decade of his disability and being the sole provider in our family wore on me and I shut down too. Most days I can compartmentalize and but today it feels like I am back in the ICU watching him fade and then my mind then shoots to the day we married in Las Vegas on a whim so full of hope for our future. I don’t know that I actually have anything to say. I just need the universe to know that I am out here….
IsabelleS January 13, 2021 at 12:28 pm
Carolyn, I’m so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine the pain you’re experiencing. It’s so normal to have a mix of good and bad days. We know that you are out there: We see you and we hear you.
FallenAngel January 10, 2021 at 1:39 am
My wife ‘took her life’ almost 8 years ago. I see all these comments and understand the shadow of some of the pains.
Sham March 29, 2021 at 1:04 pm
I lost my spouse 8 years ago . He suffered from schizophrenia and finally took his life by jumping from our apartment. I’m in another relationship now, and to the world outside, it appears that I have moved on. I look happy and contented on the outside but I still grieve my loss, and I still have irrational general anxiety after all this years.
I find it hard to talk to others about my pain because I feel like I’m indulging in self pity and that’s why I’m here looking at the comments from others who have had the same experience. Thank you all for sharing your grief experience. When I see these comments, I know I am not alone in this journey.
Kayla January 6, 2021 at 2:04 am
On the night of Jan 5, 2020 me and my best friend, Jae were texting and he told me he had feelings for me. I did kinda like him but I had just gotten out of a relationship and I wasn’t really ready for another one. He told me it was ok and that we had time, but I went to call him the next day and his mom answered the phone. She told me that he had cut too deep into his wrist that night. The only thing I remember after we got off the phone was me crying so much. I needed him in my life but he left me and I don’t know why. The last thing I said to him was that I loved him, and I always will.
IsabelleS January 6, 2021 at 10:39 am
Kayla, I’m truly so sorry for your loss. There are no words. I hope you can take at least a little bit of comfort in the fact that he died knowing you loved him. All the best.
Lonely Flame January 3, 2021 at 8:10 pm
On January 2nd my twin flame made the choice to take her life. She’s someone I met and instantly connected with. Over the course of 2 years I learned how wonderful she was and what it meant to feel her love. She was a married women, but I learned I would do anything to keep her in my life because we had such a strong connection. I feel like I now have a huge hole in my heart and no body to turn to because she always made things better. I think the way I feel is wrong because of the fact that she was involved, but I will not deny the strong feelings I felt for this woman. She deserved the world and now it’s too late to give it to her.
IsabelleS January 4, 2021 at 1:02 pm
Hi, I’m so very sorry for your loss. It sounds like you’re describing disenfranchised grief, which you can read more about here: https://whatsyourgrief.com/disenfranchised-grief/ and here: https://whatsyourgrief.com/64-examples-of-disenfranchised-grief/ It’s normal to feel as though your grief is invalid due to the nature of your relationship with her, but please know: Your grief is legitimate. All the best to you.
FallenAngel January 10, 2021 at 2:19 am
seems like we need to chat… I have a few questions for you. I will even give you my cell number. [NUMBER REMOVED]
IsabelleS January 11, 2021 at 11:33 am
Hi, FallenAngel. Unfortunately, I cannot communicate with you over the phone and cannot provide therapy/advice. That being said, you can feel free to comment with any questions here and I will do my best to answer them.
Sue December 31, 2020 at 1:21 am
My husband and I were married 66 years. Several times he cheated on me, but I always took him back. We moved to a senior development, we got involved with clubs etc. he started doing contractor work, only in the Village. He did very well, of course he met people I never knew. Because of his past history of cheating,I was very suspicious. He was on his iPhone texting, and when I came into the room he slid the phone down. I don’t sleep well and frequently get up and read or play solitaire. I have checked his phone several times, but he always deletes everything he gets or sends, some he shouldn’t have.
I got up in the middle of the night and just checked his phone. There was an email from a
woman and one back to her, they were sex related. In the morning I ask him where he met Kim? He said I don’t want to talk about it. When he’s like that he will not say a word. It was almost Christmas. So I told him I would not say anything to our children until after Christmas, that I didn’t want to ruin it for them, he said he didn’t either. That was on a Friday morning, I just didn’t talk to him much,our daughter came out to stay a few days with us on Sat. She had no idea all this was going on. Sunday morning when I woke, he was standing in the closest with his robe on. I didn’t say anything, he didn’t know I was awake, when he did not come back to bed I got up, dressed etc. Came out to the kitchen and I didn’t see him. I ask my daughter where her dad was, she said she hadn’t seen him
We have a very small house and the doors were locked from the inside. We looked all over,in the garage and all over the house. I came in and she went back out in the garage
I heard a scream and ran back out. He was lying on the floor next to the car. I thought he had hit his head on some metal struts he has for a car lift. He did that regularly so I thought he must have hit so hard it knocked him out. I called 911 our Secutity get all the 911 calls and they got here fast. The garage is very small. As soon as Se unity got here the ambulance and fire dept were here. We just stayed on the drive way and let the paramedics go to him. One came out and said he was dead. I just couldn’t believe it. They had my grandson move the car out to give them room. Then they told me he had shot himself in the head. No one heard the shot. This was in 2019 I still cry every day. I feel very guilty because I feel like because of me my children do not have a father. They of course are older, but they loved him with all their hearts, as I did. Feel so guilty and miss him so much.
IsabelleS January 1, 2021 at 1:46 pm
Sue, I’m so very sorry for your loss and for the pain you are experiencing. I understand that you feel guilty about your husband’s suicide… This is so normal. I highly recommend you check out this article: https://whatsyourgrief.com/guilt-and-grief-2/ I can’t tell you not to feel guilty, but I do want you to hear this: You are not responsible for your husband’s death. Please be gentle with yourself. All the best to you.
FallenAngel January 10, 2021 at 2:15 am
I would like so badly to rebut the psychological effects of grief, blame and transference of power. I am unable to as well. I lost my wife when she took her life close to 8 years ago. February 23, 2013. I worked my way up from agricultural fields into the technical and academia world. I worked my a** off for her and our family. I was never an angel. She knew that and still forgave me for everything. I would like to say that her mental issues were to blame. Which I can NEVER belittle her. I never met a person anywhere that did not wonder and delight in the joy of her presence. I was fortunate enough to have been enlightened with her by my side for the years we had together.
Funny thing is that…. we both thought and told each other that is what we were. ‘Strangers in the night’. I never fully understood that until we realized both knew it was far more. She made me a better person just by knowing her!!!
I am sure everyone else agrees as well. Be kind to those around you and take the happiness life gives you.
For me, She is the better part of me forever!!!!!!!!
Now you know why I am understanding this from another view. I was the wrong one. And the world is a worse place without her..
IsabelleS January 11, 2021 at 11:35 am
FallenAngel, I’m truly so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you. Your wife sounds like a wonderful person who is missed by many. She will live on in your memory and in the memories of others.
Cassandra December 29, 2020 at 11:29 pm
My boyfriend killed himself Dec 6 2020 I never saw it coming we had only been dating officially less than a year he moved to my home town for me right after he got out the Marines. He was so easy yet so hard to love and I could never figure out why.. we fought often I was stupid and use to tell him to get out of my house and he would but then he’d come home.. Thanksgiving weekend we had this HUGE fight he was with his parents and I was stupid and told him to move out.. I didn’t mean it when I realized I needed to stop being stupid and long story short he came back home 2 days late but I was still somehow determined to get us to work even if it was that last thing I did that week was good we discussed our problems rather than yelled then that Sunday I got mad I left him in his truck the last words I told him was “you know I’m right!” He shot himself in his truck.. his family blames me and sometimes I do too but then I look at everything and realize he was broken when he came here.. I’m only 21 how do I cope?
IsabelleS December 30, 2020 at 3:43 pm
Cassandra, I’m so very sorry for your loss. I hear that you sometimes blame yourself for his suicide. This is so normal… I recommend you check out this article: https://whatsyourgrief.com/guilt-and-grief-2/ I’m glad you can take a step back and recognize that his death was not your fault. Perhaps you should reach out to a therapist trained in grief and bereavement to work through this loss, which you can find here: https://grief.com/grief-counselor-directory/. Please be gentle with yourself. All the best to you.
Julie W December 12, 2020 at 12:05 pm
My husband took his life after a long battle with mental illness. I couldn’t have found a more wonderful, smart, funny, amazing man, except for this glitch in his brain. I tried so hard to look after him and protect him. I struggled to figure out what to take to heart, what to ignore, what to respect, when to hold him accountable…
We were separated because of a court no contact order that I never wanted but was supposed to be for my benefit when it happened.
I had been waiting to be with him, at least talk to him for three years.
I feel that it’s my fault I wasn’t there to support him.
I wish I hadn’t gotten the police involved when I was scared. I thought they would listen to me and get him help.
I would trade anything to be with him. I would have dealt with all the bad just to get to the good.
Now I sit in silence missing him. I can never share with him again all we had together. I know he doesn’t suffer now but I also know I feel so selfish to want him with me!
IsabelleS December 14, 2020 at 12:06 pm
Julie, I’m so sorry for your loss. I hear that you feel guilty about his death… I recommend you check out this article: https://whatsyourgrief.com/guilt-and-grief-2/ It’s so normal and okay to feel guilty and selfish after a loss, but please understand that you could not have prevented his death. You did the best you could. All the best to you.
Bruce Caister January 3, 2021 at 9:55 pm
Hello Julie, so very sorry for your loss and very much understand the strong desire to stand by your spouse. I lost my wife on her second suicide attempt last year just before the pandemic hit. I was with her 18 years being ever mindful of how she struggled. Over time it wore me out and I had to leave her. She took her life three weeks later. Guilt? for awhile yes. Grief? yes still but has lessened over the last 11 months. Please know it gets better. Look after yourself, force yourself to eat when you need to even if your not hungry. that ones important ‘cuz I lost 30 pounds before I figured that one out. Sure yeah, I looked great but felt lousy. Wishing you strength and good days to come.
Bekah December 8, 2020 at 11:23 pm
November 19th, 2020- My boyfriend, my soulmate, of nearly 2.5 years killed himself in our home while I was in the garage. I found him. We had been arguing. It got really nasty. We said hurtful things to each other. I said the most hurtful thing to him. It was one of the last things I said. I saw him reach for the gun, but he told me he was just pushing it back. I went out to turn my car off and chose to listen to music for awhile. It was the biggest mistake I made. It cost him his life. The blame and guilt is suffocating. His parents made me move all my stuff out within 2 weeks. Now they told me that they don’t me around. So now I carry their blame too. He was struggling with depression, insecurities, and trust issues. He was an alcoholic. I tried everything over the course of our relationship to help him. To save him. It wasn’t enough. I replay that night over and over again. I see every wrong move I made that led to him doing it. I would trade places with him in a heartbeat. He was the better person by far. I don’t know how to overcome this. I think the blame will eventually just shatter me completely. I can’t make it right ever. If love was enough, he would still be here. If I was a nicer person, he would still be here. If I would have made him get help, he would still be here. Or maybe if I had never entered his life, he would still be here.
IsabelleS December 9, 2020 at 11:05 am
Bekah, I’m so very sorry for your loss. I hear that you are taking on a ton of blame for the death of your boyfriend. This is normal and valid, but I want you to know: Your boyfriend’s death was not your fault. You are not responsible, no matter how much his family makes you feel as though you are. They are likely just looking for someone to blame to make their own grief easier. I recommend you check out this article: https://whatsyourgrief.com/guilt-and-grief-2/ You may also want to seek out the support of a therapist trained in grief, which you can find here: https://grief.com/grief-counselor-directory/ Please be gentle with yourself. All the best to you.
Ramona December 21, 2020 at 7:05 pm
I am sorry for the greatest pain you are living in now.
I lose my husband to suicide will be two years on the 24 of December. sad we always have a hard relationship couldn’t understand why we had to argue so much for almost all things. Of course, I am not an angel I did kind of stand up and fight back the arguments, I do regrets with bitterness because I never knew he was suffering from suicidal thoughts I also found him in the garden, its the most painful and the least desirable thing to ever experience, I know you wish this was just a bad dream I completed understand. Take care of yourself. Your in-law’s family can’t comfort you at this point in life because they are in tremendous pain like you are provable. Sear professional help as is so fresh for you.
IsabelleS December 22, 2020 at 12:24 pm
Ramona, thank you for taking the time to comment and to share your story/perspective. I’m so sorry for your loss. Please know that the What’s Your Grief community is here for you and that, no matter what, you’re not alone. All the best to you.
Cassandra December 29, 2020 at 11:32 pm
Family loves them because they’re family you loved him because you choose too and I’m so sorry you had to find him I know no matter what people say you still have these guilty thoughts but love no one gives us a handbook on how to handle someone
Zane November 27, 2020 at 11:03 am
3 nights ago I got a text from my grandmother whose been suffering from dementia for approximately 6 months, saying she needed help, my grandpa was down in the garage and she didn’t know what to do. I hurried and on the way I called 911. I ran in the house and past my grandmother into the garage. I found my hero, on the floor of the garage, with a pistol. It was the worst night of my life. Looking back now what I thought was him asking us to help him with her as we did always anyway wasn’t him reaching out. It was him preparing each of us for this. He came to my house the day before to see me for my birthday. He was a bit not like himself but I just assumed he didn’t feel well and I hugged him and told him I loved him. I didn’t know it would be the last time I talked to him. I’m shattered. My grandma has to realize this fact 4 or 5 times a day as her dementia is progressively getting worse and she doesn’t remember things well. This is a nightmare. But from my grandpas perspective I understand what happened. It makes sense. He stopped taking medicine 3 months ago, against all advice. Anti depression medicine included. He didn’t want to be here when she left and he felt like he’d already lost her. He couldn’t handle the pain and she was his entire life. It’s tragic, and it doesn’t seem like it’s my new reality but I know that it is. If you’ve read this thank you, please pray for my family, as this has left us shaken to our cores. Thank you, Zane.
IsabelleS November 27, 2020 at 11:14 am
Zane, I’m so very sorry for your loss. I cannot even begin to imagine the pain you are going through. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Thank you for commenting.
Kieron October 29, 2020 at 3:46 pm
I lost my dad and my youngest brother with in a fortnight of each other 3 years ago. My brother took his own life then a week later my dad died of cancer even after 3 years I still can’t seem to get over either of them. My mum knows what was written in the suicide letter but will not tell me what was written in it for some reason like she is trying to protect me.
Some days are so hard to get through just wondering why my brother took his life.
IsabelleS October 31, 2020 at 1:15 pm
Kieron, I am truly so very sorry for the multiple losses you had to endure. I want you to know that your pain is completely normal and okay. It sounds like not knowing why your brother took his life is really troubling to you. Do you think reading his letter would be helpful or hurtful to your grieving process? If you think it would be helpful, have you tried speaking with your mother about the potential of reading his letter?
Beth October 27, 2020 at 1:01 pm
My 15 year old niece took her life a few weeks ago. It’s never a call you want to receive. The most painful part for me is my brother, seeing the emptiness in his eyes after losing his little girl. The screams full of pain and despair, it plays in my head over and over again every day. I think about my nephew (my brothers son) who seems to be running away from the pain, in a hurry to get through life as fast as possible as not to let the emptiness a sorrow catch up to him. I think about my sister in law and the pain she is in, I see both her and my brother as empty souls with complete darkness over them. I would do anything to bring back some light into their eyes. It’s so painful to see pictures of my brother with a beautiful smile and to remember what is left now.
I live far away from my family and now I’m
Back home feeling so much pain and feeling lonely. My kids are very young and I try to pretend as everything is ok because they are too young to understand. My husband worries a lot but has to work, so it’s me at home with my kids and this grief inside me trying to take over. It’s hard to be far away from my family and it’s hard coping with the grief while trying to be as normal as possible for your kids. Life should just stop for a bit, it shouldn’t have to go on as if all is well. How are we supposed to just keep on moving as life goes on, this grief is too much.
John Imboden October 17, 2020 at 11:18 am
hello it’s a beautiful crisp fall day here in Virginia and I do believe I am going to take my life in the next 24 hours by walking very far into some woods and hanging myself with a belt, hoping that i will not be discovered.
i am a newlywed with an amazing wife, friends, and job. i have substance abuse issues and verbally abuse my undeserving wife. i have contemplated suicide for at least 20 years, and feel that i’ve dragged everyone, my wife especially, down a dead end road in terms of my mental health. never truly seeking real help for this, my suffering is compounded daily by my long past of chumping my future-self, and have now dragged an amazing and kind woman down with me.
this is my double edged sword, my catch 22: end myself to end my suffering/end myself to rid the guilt for deceiving this amazing person/rid myself because there lies no hope of my head getting better.
i am damaged goods. corrupted files. a virus with shoes.
i am shouting this out loud to the world to say that i am sorry and the chumping of my future self stops today!
i’ve sadly said the last mean things to my dear wife this morning! there will be no note(s). 37 years and i never asked to be born.
the head of the snake will be cut off, thus rendering the world of one less poisonous slither.
IsabelleS October 19, 2020 at 11:20 am
John, I am so sorry that you are experiencing this pain. I want you to know that there is hope. I suggest you look into finding a qualified therapist or counselor, which you can find here: https://grief.com/grief-counselor-directory/. If you are seriously thinking of hurting yourself, or even if you just need someone to talk with, please call the National Suicide Helpline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit their website where you can do a live online chat https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
someone November 2, 2020 at 11:08 am
John, I know it might be too late but don’t please I know how you feel but trust me pls don’t, think about how your family is going to feel, I’m 13 and I know you might not take my words seriously but there’s a lot to live for so please don’t do it if your seeing this. I hope it’s not too late
Yg October 1, 2020 at 6:23 am
The father of my son passed away last Friday and today would be his funeral . He is age 25 my son is 5 years old . I have not talked to him in a month prior to his suicide. He wrote his final goodbye video to my son on Facebook last week before his death . He had to move to Poland last year and although we weren’t together he would video call his son . I believe he blames me for his suicide. But the issue was when we where together , he would ( abuse me ) that’s why we parted ways . I can’t go to his funeral or my son because he loves to far
IsabelleS October 1, 2020 at 10:12 am
Hi, I am so sorry for your loss and for the conflicting emotions you must be feeling. Although it may not seem like it, what you are feeling is totally normal and ok. All the best to you and your son.
TC September 24, 2020 at 7:07 pm
Last week I learned that someone from my past had taken her own life, and I only found out five years after it happened. She was amazing. We were in our early twenties when we met and I fell immediately in love but she had a boyfriend at the time. She taught horse riding and I hated horses – was a horrible rider – but I took lessons every chance I got just to be with her. We kissed once and you could tell it was a perfect match. But she never left her boyfriend and eventually I moved away and the last time I saw her or spoke to her was 25 years ago.
When I learned of her suicide I went into shock, as if we’d been together this whole time, which I don’t understand. I thought about her frequently and in 1995 one of my friends told me that she confided in him: she regretted staying with her boyfriend and wanted to be with me; but I no longer lived in her area and thought it best not to reach out to her.
Now I’m right back there in my early twenties and feeling all those feelings I had back then but with unbearable sadness because I can’t talk to her. I can’t email her, etc. And I don’t know her friends from the time period when she died so there’s nobody to talk to. The grief comes without warning and I break down.
I knew I was mad for her back then and I know this sounds strange but I didn’t know I loved her until she was gone. I’m mad, I’m crying all the time, and none of this makes sense at all.
IsabelleS September 25, 2020 at 11:53 am
Hi, I am so sorry for your loss and for the pain you are experiencing. I know it’s hard to believe, but the shock, anger, and confusion you are experiencing is normal. It may be helpful to talk through this with a therapist or counselor trained in grief, which you can find here: https://grief.com/grief-counselor-directory/ I hope this helps a bit.
Ali August 28, 2020 at 4:07 pm
I guess I’m doing this because I don’t know what else to do. When I think of how cruel this life is, I am without words.
My best friend and someone I loved more than words can describe left me for good this summer. He didn’t call me. He didn’t text me. I’ve never been the same. I am confused as to what this life is supposed to be without him. I think of him every waking second of everyday. And I blame myself for not going to see him that week. We were young and stupid, and broke up. But I was always his, and he was always mine. This man was the definition of pure. Of kindness, of compassion. He saved me. He loved me when I was unlovable. He accomplished more in 23 years of life then I or most people ever will. I made promises to him I don’t that I could ever make to anyone else…and I never will. I loved his soul. I thought he’d be a doctor, I’d be his PA and we’d have children together and be each other’s missing piece.
I think of his parents and his sweet family that took me in …everyday and I would give my own life a million times over just for him to be here.
I am committed to making sure the world knows his name and that I go on to finish the dream he started.
I’ve read various posts on here, and I know your pain. I, from my bleeding heart, hope you can rest your eyes even for the night. I am sorry.
Parisa August 20, 2020 at 11:05 pm
After 24 hours being missing they found her–my son’s fiancé. She had killed herself. They had been together for 6 years. She was 25 & had depression. She was going to a therapist. He just found out that she also had been abusing aderall & was in debt. She was estranged from her parents. We loved her so much, she was beautiful & smart. She was the daughter I never had. We all can’t imagine life without her. I guess all the years of her parents breaking her down finally overwhelmed her & all the love & building up we did wasn’t enough. I am so very worried for my son. He has completely fallen apart. They did everything together. He feels it is his fault. He can’t imagine life without her. He expected to spend the rest of his life with her & now it is over. I never knew such pain existed…Can anyone recommend a book or a website that will direct me to help him? I can’t loose him too…
Sharon September 23, 2020 at 4:48 pm
So sorry for the loss of your sons fiance and now the distress you are feeling for your son. You could direct him to the Aliance of Hope website, a very compassionate group of people, all who have lost someone to suicide. in fact, you may find it very comforting as well.
Kim August 18, 2020 at 11:15 am
Depression took my son’s life almost three years ago. The anniversary is coming up (9/4/17). I dread it. In 2017, the date was Labor Day. As I write this, tears threaten to spill down my face. I get very emotional whenever I try to write anything about him. My son had suffered from bipolar psychosis since age 17 1/2 when he was diagnosed. He also had substance issues, but the mental illness really took precedence over all of that. There’s so much I don’t know. I did everything I could to help him. Sometimes I think I did too much, and perhaps that’s why was hard for him. He was 27 years old. He was a lovely soul. The depression was just too great for him. Life is difficult. I lost my husband to cancer at age 34 (the father of my four children). Losing my son 20 years later has been very difficult. I struggle for answers, but realize they might not come in this life. However, I have been granted peace over many matters. It’s one foot in front of the other every day. I try to live just for the day, and focus on what I can do in that day, and not worry too much about the future. God bless everyone who has written here. I have read your comments, and mourned with every single one of you.
Britt August 10, 2020 at 4:44 pm
Today makes it 5 years since my father shot himself. Many people think I should have been able to “move on” by now, but for some reason I just can’t. I have 2 older sister’s and our mom that also struggle with his death. As mentioned above my mom didn’t want ppl know how he died while my sister’s and I didn’t care and secrets came out. He was the problem solver, the one person we could always count on to help us if we need it, and the glue. The 1st year after his death I was ok kept myself busy, but in the years since I have become isolated from ppl and just don’t want to do anything. Not having a job plays into this I believe also. I just don’t know how to get over my anger, stop blaming myself since I was the last person to see him alive, or just learn to be ok since there probably is no getting over really. He thought he was doing something to fix a problem he created and I will never understand how he thought his life was worth any amount of money! More than anything I just wish he said a simple goodbye to me before walking out the door. The men we think are the strongest sometimes are the ones in the most pain and best at hiding it.
I need to live my life somehow again so hopefully I’ll be able to figure that out.
Sandra Jennings August 4, 2020 at 2:33 am
I recently lost a close friend to suicide. I can’t help but blame myself because I knew he was struggling. I just keep thinking about what could have happened if I have of texted him that morning. Let him know he isn’t alone. But then I realize he already knew that. And something inside me broke when I heard the news. I collapsed right into another friend’s arms and he had to hold me up because I couldn’t. Someone sent me a quote “tears are a way of expressing pain that words can’t” and i would like to add to it to help explain how I am feeling. Tears are the way we express emotions that words can’t, i’m So broken even my tears don’t know what to do.
Maria B August 3, 2020 at 5:57 am
I am in my final year of school with 2 weeks of exams coming up in a couple weeks time. Around a year and 2 weeks ago, one of my closest friends took her own life. Exactly one year later (2 weeks ago), another girl in my year also took her life. The day my friends and I found out about the 2nd girl, we were having a picnic at the memorial for the first girl because it had been exactly one year. 2 days ago another of my friends took her life. We have lost 3 girls in a year.
Michelle July 24, 2020 at 3:19 am
An amazing friend killed himself 51 weeks ago. I didn’t know what had happened until two weeks later. This week has been a very trying time, and I’m not sure if I am subconsciously grieving in anticipation of the date, or putting myself in his circumstances at the time, but my heart has felt so, so, heavy. I took him for granted and I think it’s been a guilt I’ve held for myself for quite some time. Having overcome so many hardships in my life, I didn’t think I could have taken more pain, until my heart seemed to have been ripped out from my chest.
There are days I wonder whether I am just another weight on the planet. Or why even bother dreaming of all the things ahead of me if everything looks so grim. And I often connect these strange thoughts to what he might have been feeling or battling at the time. I am currently going through some of the challenges he had when he was alive. The last time I was home to visit, we went out for food with his girlfriend, where he told me his/their plans, hopes, and visions for what the future held. We exchanged gifts and gave each other a huge hug before I left. Nothing seemed wrong, although I remembered wishing I was able to see him one-on-one for our usual authentic talks.
Despite getting some closure from his mother on what happened, I still feel responsible, yet helpless, for everything up to the point. I have several irrational regrets that just won’t fade, despite the logical side of me refuting them. My cat, whom he was extremely fond of (and mutually reciprocated), died a couple months later– I like to think they are spending time with each other. I miss them both so terribly. What do you do when your favorite confidants have left you alone in this world?
Rita July 16, 2020 at 6:42 pm
My friend killed himself over two months ago, during lockdown. We had started dating 5 months ago. I knew he was having a hard time after the first three weeks of lockdown, but I was not aware of how much he was suffering. I did not know he had been struggling with depression for years. He was kind and generous. This hurts in so many ways and I am left with questions that I imagine I will never have the answers to. Most of all, I cannot shake the feeling that I could have done something, that I could have been more present, more aware, that I should have seen the signs. I didn’t, I couldn’t, I am sorry.
Michelle July 12, 2020 at 1:02 pm
My life partner of 11 years shot himself in the early hours on 30 June. It was a sudden unplanned act, I think because he still made plans to meet friends 2 days later. I have been searching for some support, but I am so confused, I don’t know what I need. The pain of finding the man I love like that, is indescribable. How can you go sleep happy one night and the next morning your whole world has fallen apart. I can’t see myself ever moving on as it feels I’m frozen in that moment finding him and looking for signs of life. It feels as if once I start screaming, I am never going to stop. This is a man that did almost everything for me. I have been spoilt rotten the last 11 years. I have Cancer and some family thinks that my illness had something to do with why he did this, but I doubt that. He was so protective over me, promised that he will look after me till the day I die. What could’ve driven him to such an act must have been so overpowering that even his life didn’t matter, his family and children didn’t matter and I didn’t matter. He had a bright future ahead with a new company he joined and he had no financial worries. The only thing I noticed was that he became depressed during the lockdown and was imagining being followed when he took me to hospital, hidden messages in whatsapp texts and newspapers and he became suspicious of everyone. He has always been an outgoing, fun-loving person, the life of every party. I never made light of his suspicions and even suggested he sees a psychiatrist, but I never thought things would go so bad so fast. I am not concerned for my life and what will happen to me or where I end up. My concern is still him and his soul and I pray that he is not judged by anyone including God for the one act he did, but that he be judged for his acts of the past 11 years. He left no note, no kiss goodbye. For me, he was and still is the best partner/husband and our love and relationship hasn’t ended. I pray he knows that he was loved, cherished, admired and I am sorry that I couldn’t help him. I cry more for his soul and the hell he must have been going through than I have ever cried before. I now know that although I was there for him, I really wasn’t.
Stacy July 28, 2020 at 10:33 pm
I am so sorry for your loss ): my dad did this a couple weeks ago and my 20 year old son and my little brother 25 – found him… the both did cpr on him… it’s just a nightmare… so many whys such pain ! I just feel like I’m drowning ? and there is no way up
Michelle August 1, 2020 at 4:12 am
Dear Stacy, I am deeply sorry to hear about your dad. Although we might be worlds apart, I share your sorrow and anguish. My heart goes out to you, your son and brother.
The below extract from Dan dated April 10, 2019 is in the comments section below, which I found helpful.
• Know you can survive. You may not think so, but you can. • Question why it happened until you no longer need to know why or until you are satisfied with partial answers. • Know you may feel overwhelmed by the intensity of your feelings—and that all your feelings are normal. • You may feel confused and forgetful. This is common when you are mourning. • You may feel angry with the person, with the world, with God, with yourself. It’s okay to express it. It is also okay not to feel angry. • You may feel guilty for what you think you did or did not do. Let guilt turn to forgiveness of yourself and others. • Having suicidal thoughts is common. It does not mean you will act on those thoughts. If the thoughts continue, seek help and support. • Remember to take one moment or one day at a time. • Find a good listener with whom to share. Call someone when you need to talk.
Don’t be afraid to cry. Tears are healing. • Give yourself time to heal. • Remember: The choice was not yours. No one is the sole influence in another’s life. • Expect setbacks. If emotions return like a tidal wave, you may be experiencing a remnant of grief, which is a normal part of grieving. • Put off major decisions if you can. • Give yourself permission to get professional help. • Be aware of the pain of your family and friends. • Be patient with yourself and with others who may not understand. • Set your own limits and learn to say “No.” • Steer clear of people who want to tell you what or how to feel. • Do not accept blame from yourself or others. • Know that there are support groups that can be helpful. If not, ask a professional to help start one. • Call on your personal faith and values to help you through. • It is common to experience physical reactions to your grief, such as headaches, loss of appetite and difficulty sleeping. • The willingness to laugh with others and at yourself is healing. • Wear out your questions, anger, guilt or other feelings until you can let them go. Letting go doesn’t mean forgetting. • Know that you will never be the same again—and that you can survive and even go beyond surviving.
Adapted from I. Bolton & C. Mitchell. (1983). My Son…My Son: A Guide to Healing after Death, Loss or Suicide. Atlanta, GA: Bolton Press. With permission from Iris Bolton.
Teresa July 11, 2020 at 4:58 pm
About five weeks ago, our son hung himself. I have felt many emotions. I have said the many what ifs. His wife and children are hurting. His father, sister, brother, and me are hurting so deeply.
Richard McDonald October 13, 2020 at 12:01 am
I am so sorry. My angelic 11 year-old son was driven to a painful suicide by his jealous half-sister whom I adopted.
My great lawyer Michael J Bidart sued Blue Cross of CA, Cedar Vista Hospital and their Yale educated contract Psychiatrist
We won a 4.5 million settlement and I built the Sean McDonald school in Cambodia. You can see it onthe internet. Mr. Bidart donated most of his proceeds too.
It was never about money for either of us.
I was once placed in a psych hospital for severe PTSD not for my volunteer service in Vietnam but for my guilt in not starting CPR earlier enough. I was bawling like a baby.
Theresa the worldwide Compassionate Friends organization may help you. It is the exclusive club that nobody wants to join.
richardmcdo at gmail dot com
Thetesa I’ll keep you in my thoughts.
Elise June 26, 2020 at 4:39 am
Hey i’m sorry to hear that you are going through such a situation. Please stay strong and reach out for help, it might be easier because you live in the city. You should find groups for help and it’s not that difficult to make friends whk would actually care about you.
I know it hurts that you’re family is treating you like that, they obviously don’t understand how it feels like to have depression and so they are afraid but reject you when you need them. So you have to be strong, to get of this situation by yourself to make them realize yiu don’t need them ! I’m sure you can. And if they don’t want you around they don’t deserve you. Suicide ain’t the answer, one day or another they will realize they messed up and weren’t there for you and you’ll be there to hear that.
My sister didn’t want me around when I was at my lowest because it made her feel uncomfortable and it hurt but I got better without her and now she has regrets but I’m not a monster so I forgave her.
Stay stron, stay safe
Kristin June 25, 2020 at 2:30 pm
Day before yesterday my friend and neighbor had a fight with her family. While I don’t know exactly what was wrong I could hear her yelling that nobody cared about or loved her. Later in the afternoon she yelled at me and another neighbor that we didn’t care about her and when we said that yes we did she apologized but said it didn’t matter because she’d be dead soon. We didn’t really know what to do but the other neighbor had to leave to get back to work. I struggled for awhile about what to do but about 10-15 minutes later I heard a gun shot. At the time I wasn’t sure what the noise was but the next afternoon we had the police break her door down because we hadn’t seen her all day and they found her dead from a self inflicted gun shot wound. I’m struggling with the ‘what ifs.’ Could I have stopped it? Could I have done something to help before it was too late? I’ve known her about a year and never had any indication until that afternoon that this could happen. She was like another grandmother to my 7 year old and that’s also hard for me to handle. The question of what happened isn’t something a child can comprehend at that age and my child is a lot smarter than I realized. I’ve done the general answers but my child wants to know everything and I’m not prepared to share that. Anyway sometimes for me writing things out helps. I just don’t understand how I didn’t see this coming and really wish I had done something before it was too late. Just wanted to share.
Carrie June 10, 2020 at 2:31 am
I recognize so much of your experience. My Joseph, husband of 22 years, was my best friend, my sunshine and my center. He was in physical and mental pain. Childhood trauma and lack of coping skills were always just below the surface but mixed with anxiety and a back injury became a storm that eventually took his life and he hung himself in our back yard. The yard and house that held 20 years of amazing memories and love. He made me a better oerson through his love and kindness. I know how much pain he was in and that he did his best and just had to find relief. It wasn’t selfish to me, it was a disease that finally took him. Mental illness is a physical illness and mixed with chronic pain caused him great suffering. The tragedy of it shattered my heart. I am so sorry for your pain and loss. You are not alone.
Kelley May 25, 2020 at 11:41 am
It has been over 3 years since I lost my baby brother to suicide. I have experienced other deaths in my life, including a parent, but none as heart-and-soul piercing as this one. After a few years, I am still sad about the loss, but I have become a part of the world again. I gave myself time and space, and did the grief “work”. I read 8-9 books on death and grief, several ones specifically geared towards the issue of suicide. Early on in my grief, I also wanted to die. Although I will never “get over” my brother’s death, I am now able to remember him as he was, talents and flaws, and all. He was only human, after all, just like all of us. I know that he wasn’t having a good time of life…it just became too much for him. He was overwhelmed and had poor coping skills and lack of a proper support system. He had pushed many people away with his addiction issues over many years, but I always loved him, and tried to help him, most of the time. Although I could have done more towards the end, I must forgive myself, as I did the best I could with the knowledge at hand, at that time. My own mental health and the safety of my children was also a priority. I could not save him every day of his life, and of mine. Perhaps if it wasn’t this time, he would have died the next time. Or, he might have overdosed or gotten beaten to death, drunken in the park. After some time to process my feelings, without the help of my family, which has disintegrated even more since this tragedy. I realize that he always loved me, and I always loved him. That’s all I know for sure. I forgive him, and myself for our human limitations in this life. I pray each and every day for God to have mercy on his soul, as he has requested. I believe in a merciful God, and something inside me suspects that perhaps God had mercy on the pain and suffering that was his life, that fateful night. I will never be the same again, and even my personality has changed since this loss, but I feel that it will make me a better person–wiser, kinder, softer–to have known such suffering myself. Many people cannot comprehend or understand this type of loss and the implications it has on us, the bereaved, the “Suicide Survivors”. I cannot fault them. How could they understand the depth of despair that it causes ? Even my remaining living siblings have not suffered as much as me, as he and I were the closest, and they stopped having pity on his addiction issues many years ago. I realize, also, that everyone grieves in their own individual way. Maybe his death will haunt them more as they age, and presumably approach their own mortality. For me, it has made me realize that each day is a gift, and nothing is guaranteed for any of us. As I move forward, I keep this in mind. I hope to enrich my children’s lives for as long as I can, and be the big sister that would have made my brother proud. Certainly, nobody will ever replace him, or the piece of my heart that he owns forever. Please be patient with yourselves. Grief will come in waves, but you can ride it out. Honor your lost loved ones with your own lives, while also keeping their memories alive inside of you. Share stories of their lives with others, the good parts. Love never dies. Also, please believe me when I say that there is a good chance that you will meet again–my persistent prayers for a sign have been answered. It was a sign that he would be okay, and I believe that he will be. And, so will I.
paula deag August 2, 2020 at 7:18 pm
I have been reading through your message.
I am really sorry for your loss of your dear Brother I really am.
I lost my husband to suicide on 12th June 2020. We only married on 10th January 2020.
I just wanted to find help or anything similar sure you know you feel very Alone.
Your post is inspiring and I want to thank you as I can imagine that even tho it has been 3 years it is still Hard I don’t even know where to begin to seek support. I am in the UK.
Can I kindly ask if you know which books helped you?
Please look after yourself.
Tania August 8, 2020 at 2:15 am
I am profoundly sorry of your loss. I personally feel “attracted” to your post, because I am having a hard personal moment right now and your situation makes me think about many possibilities. I have considered suicide over and over and over again. Right now I am in a mental institution because I have several illnesses but this has not helped me. The only thing that holds me back is my husband. I am in this website because I need to know what I can cause if that happens.
It’s not my atenttion take advantage of your pain. I just feel that I am not doing fine but I would like that no one suffers. But sometimes I just feel that I am not responsible for other’s feelings and I am carrying a terrible live. I just want to know how you feel. I want to embrace you and help you because I feel so touched. But at the same time I don’t know how if I have myself considered in dying because life is overwhelming me.
I hope that someday, not now, you can heal, you can forgive your husband because I can imagine how horrible is for you. Right now I talk from the other side of the glass. From the side of the people that can’t figure this out and think about attempting against his-her life. I just can tell you that you couldn’t have avoided that, no one can, it’s not your choice or possibility to control the world, the actions of the people and surely your husband never wanted this suffering for you and also that you will be fine and that I hope that you can forgive him, when those decisions are made are in real, profound moments of desperation and because it feels impossible to continue. This all is NOT your fault and you COULDN’T have avoided it. So forget and heal. <3 my heart is with you and if you want to share some words feel free to reply and I will give you my contact information.
Caroline May 25, 2020 at 5:53 am
I lost my boyfriend 11 days ago. We live in separate towns and the day before he died he wrote me a text. I was hurting then because he had not been replying my texts or receiving my calls. He would do this alot and sometimes I’d think maybe he does not want me in his life. But I loved and love him a lot. I keep wishing I had put aside my ego and talked to him maybe he’d still be here. Then I learnt he died at anoth6 woman’s place. I felt betrayed and cheated. We were planning to get married and I have known him for 12 years. I have all these pain that I do not know how to deal with it. My family does not understand. His family did not even know me since he never introduced me. So I have to all these grieving in secret. I have all these questions that no one will answer.
Sara Jones August 10, 2020 at 2:21 pm
My 16 year old daughter lost a friend to suicide a couple of weeks ago. They were friends all through middle school until he moved to a neighboring town about 20 mins away from ours, and they lost touch when he started at another school. She had recently started talking to him through social media again and he had expressed interest in dating her and wanted to take her out. She of course told him she had to ask her parents first and would let him know. A few days went by and she had asked us and we told her that it was fine but that we wanted to meet him first. It’s all she could talk about! She was so excited to spend time with him! She was so cute blushing over a boy! Of course she texted him as soon as we gave her our answer…never got a reply. She tried contacting him through social media sites like Facebook and Instagram but found all of his accounts had been deleted. For a week she searched and texted and found nothing! Her bestfriend last week thought she would help her out and googled his name thinking she would find a social media account in his name or something. But she sadly found his obituary! She called my daughter and told her to google his name and she too found his obituary. She can running into the living room where I was and fell to the floor crying hysterically and I couldn’t understand her. It took five minutes of trying to calm her down before I realized what she was saying. Her 16 year old friend, the one she was so excited to hang out with and had been talking to for the last couple of months…had died. The obituary of course did not say how he died though so we were clueless. I know my daughter needed to know so I looked her friends mother up on social media and learned that she worked with a friend of mine. I called that friend and asked if she heard or knew anything because that is not something you can ask the family. My friend informed me that his mom was actually her boss and the family was keeping everything quiet while they are grieving but he did in fact take his own life. So heartbreaking. Not only did my daughter learn she had lost a friend, I then had to tell her how he lost his life because I did not want her hearing it from someone else. The news broke her even more. It’s been a week since she heard and she learned that she replied “yes” to his date the day after he took his life. I think that’s what bothers her the most. She keeps saying “if I had texted one day earlier, maybe he wouldn’t have done it” and “maybe because I took so long to get back to him, he thinks I rejected him”. I reassure her that this isn’t her fault and that he was probably fighting many personal battles and emotions that she couldn’t have known about in the short time they had reconnected. I wish I could take it all away and bring him back…I hate seeing her so hurt. I can only imagine how much pain his family is going through and it breaks my heart thinking how short his life was. I never got to meet the young man but I have cried my tears with my daughter for him. He was 16 and I can’t help but think that he had so much life to live. I wish we all could have done more. I hate that at 16 my daughter has experience such a tremendous loss in such a tragic way. I will continue to be here for her and urge everyone to talk to your kids often and learn their struggles both physically and emotionally. Even kids get depressed and fight mental illness. I hope he is up there looking over his family and friends and that he rests easy and flies high!
Cat McClintock August 17, 2020 at 12:49 pm
I’m so sorry for what you and your daughter are going through.
My 24-year-old son took his life last month. In the first week, I heard from family and friends who didn’t really know my son well. He’d always struggled with depression and didn’t really connect with relatives much.
But then in the second week, I started hearing from his friends. And that changed everything. I realized that many, many people who knew my son were hurting. Many said he was their best friend, and every one of them felt they could have stopped it with a well timed text message or an I love you.
As each one connected with me, we found relief and a little bit of healing.
And it wasn’t just his close friends. I heard from a woman who had only worked with him for a few weeks, but felt a bond to him.
I guess I’m suggesting that your daughter to reach out to her friend’s family to say that he meant something to her. No, the family is probably not interested in what their friends and colleagues have to say. But your daughter is not in that category. Not at all.
The family may very much want to hear from her. If that seems scary, reach out yourself. A couple of my son’s friends had their mothers do that before they contacted me themselves.
I loved hearing from each one of them. It helped me put together a picture of who my son was and how many people he touched (many more than I ever imagined!). And let me add that the girl he had a crush on was the most special of all of them.
That’s my perspective. Please don’t feel pressured by my thoughts; but don’t guess that the family doesn’t want to hear from you.
hannah April 14, 2020 at 9:44 pm
I learned last week that my friend died of suicide, although the cause of death was not made clear. He’s been gone 2 months. I was entirely stunned, and I have been crying and preoccupied every day, and waking at night thinking about him. He and I met many years ago, and we felt so intrigued-we recognized each other and wanted very much to date, but I was very scared and pulled away. I had some practical reasons to push him away, and never dwelt on my decision, but always thought of him. We were extremely well matched. We had very little contact over the years, but in recent years I responded on his social media; here and there we’d write briefly. Sometimes he’d just drop away mid-chat and resurface 5 or 8 months later. I’m the one who reached to him on social media, and I guess he never seemed too motivated. We’d both aged by decades, and maybe I sensed that he was depleted. But I was still quietly disappointed that he seemed unenthusiastic toward me. The last chat he suggested we should get together, but was vague. I chose to respond in a similar noncommittal way. I didn’t really understand the dry distance we maintained. But I got worried at his absence and checked to find him, discovering then that he was dead. He was a brilliant artist with a strong intellect, warm, charming, and witty. As soon as I learned of his death my heart burst wide open with love for him. I began to understand that I’d experienced love at first sight many years before, although I ‘d never thought in those terms before. Once I learned of his death I was wrenched with questions and distress. I managed to connect with some other friends of his. This is how I learned it was suicide which left me deeply crazed for more information. I learned that he was Bipolar. And that he hid it very well. And that his kindness was laced with volatility, and that more often. he suffered deep depressions. That he’d had great losses as a consequence. That he contemplated suicide and was in deep pain for years. That he was sexually promiscuous and non-committal, and inconsistent, and had low tolerance for interactions and needed breaks from pretending. That he didn’t want to hurt people he loved, but he wasn’t capable. Despite everything I learned, I am struggling with this deep sense of loss that I didn’t let him in. And I’m imagining what a beautiful love we had, and how we should have been together. In this fantasy, we have been together since we met, I recognize his Bipolar (likely, as I do know a lot-I just didn’t have time with him see it), and I help him get help much earlier. Or we reconnect and I sweep him up and take him to safety in my home. I hold him and listen to him and heal his loneliness, and take him to help. I am so so sad that he’s gone. And that he was in pain. And despite the love, concern, and support he did have, that he didn’t have the help he needed. I’m angry that no one took him to a hospital in all these years (although for all I know they tried). I’m angry that he was punished for things his sickness did.I’m told I missed out on inevitable heartache. I’m told the fact that he avoided me was a sign that he cared about me, and wanted to protect me from the pain he caused. It’s some consolation, but equally adds to the painful loss of the unknowns. And then I think about how blasé I was; how I managed to be so friendly, but not personal, not welcoming. I had some good reasons. But now none of it matters-my reasons when I met him, my reasons in recent years, the reasons for the years of delay in getting together-all real, but all nothing in the face of losing him. Yesterday, while I cleaned, I literally imagined that I was preparing my house for him to move in, and then while I walked I imagined discussing a treatment plan with him. I just want to pull him back so strongly. All of this for someone I met a few times and stayed connected with, but hardly knew. His friend says I followed my instincts and avoided so much pain. But I feel like he was a great love for me, and I avoided life.
Lydia March 16, 2020 at 2:32 am
Thank you so much for your article, and the comments below have helped me feel less lonely by a remarkable number.
My ex-boyfriend recently took his own life after sexually harassing me and it’s been gnawing at me every moment I’m not consumed by grief. He was my best friend. He was the love of my life. We had our adventures. I miss him, but I’m so mad at him. How could you do that to me? I’m so confused about how I’m feeling most of the time. Every little thing the people do or say around me tick me off and I can’t help it. I’ve become recluse as of late. I miss him every day. I can’t imagine how his friends from high school are feeling, nor his PARENTS or family…
Everybody has been incredibly lovely to me, sent me messages of love, or some of the stupidest condolence messages, food, or came to visit me interstate, but I can’t help but feel that what I’m going through is pretty unique and I feel incredibly lonely. My school is pressuring me to stay on top of work and I feel helpless even though my friends are all sending me their notes.
I feel so lonely. I feel incredibly alone. I am sad. I am angry.
I’m going to see a professional soon.
Gavin March 13, 2020 at 11:48 am
My 18 year-old son committed suicide at home yesterday morning. He had taken most of his antidepressants at once. I was at home and was alerted by my wife and daughter’s screams. He was blue when I got upstairs and my wife and I tried desperately to revive him with heart massage and mouth to mouth until the ambulance arrived. They tried for 20 minutes, but I think I knew it was pointless before then by the gurgling sound his lungs made. We spent some time with his body after they gave up and I took some snippets of his hair. After the ambulance and police left and they drove his body away, I walked to the bus stop to collect our other son from school. He had no idea what to say. How could a 13 year-old know how to react in this situation.
I simply can’t believe he is gone. There is a terrible rift, emptiness and unspeakable despair left in his place. I don’t know what I hope to achieve by writing this. I guess to tell him that I loved him with all my heart, even if he never really felt it. That I will always love him and could only ever love him. That I miss him in a way that he can never understand. That I want him back. That it was a stupidly permanent solution to a short-term problem and that if he would only have given himself half a chance he could have felt some of the beauty and wonder that life holds. I feel that my love was inadequate. That I failed him as a father. That I did not try hard enough. That I don’t think this despair will ever stop. That, god, I need him back. That my life is not whole without him in it. I at least would have wanted to say good bye and hold him (even though he hates it) and tell him that I love him and that I was so proud of him. I keep thinking he is still in his room and expect him to come down the stairs and share some silly reddit meme, which were often his attempts to connect with me.
Our son was born a girl and lived as one for the first 12 years of his life. His childhood was mostly normal and happy. He struggled a bit socially and maybe never really felt quite accepted or loved. But nothing we didn’t hope wouldn’t eventually turn good. Around 12 things became more difficult. He expressed the wish to be a boy. Admittedly he struggled with the transition (which was not immediate) and the price that he had to pay in social exclusion and rejection. My wife was amazing and incredible in her never-ending battle to find him the right care and support. I was amazed at his strength and conviction to live his life as the person he wanted. That was so brave. It was difficult for me at first, but we supported him with his hormone therapy and mastectomy. He acknowledged and appreciated this. But sustainable happiness always seemed to allude him. How our hearts broke for him and his dream of simply being normal teenager, to have friends, to belong. He dropped out of school. He tried some things with little reward. Like many he enjoyed playing computer games and found companionship with online-friends around the world. Things started to look up. He went traveling a couple of times to visit friends and our hearts almost burst in joy for him. He began to learn to drive and expressed a wish to go back to finish school via a correspondence course. But his despair was strong as was his wish to die. There were recent plans to re-enter a clinic. I guess I was always stupidly too optimistic and foolishly believing he would grow out of it (much as I grew out of my adolescent awkwardness) and that it would get better. Always wanting to see the good and looking past the bad. And while we loved him, he was often difficult to be around and very hard to get close to. I was not always understanding of him. He could be selfish and demanding. He could show unnecessary meanness towards his younger brother and sister. But I truly thought things were getting better as he got older.
Please Chester. Hear my prayer. I love you son. My one wish is that you have found peace.
Marlyn February 25, 2020 at 6:22 am
A beautiful friend of mine took her own life a few years ago – due to manic depression. She had suffered this since a teenager, and was in and out of hospital. Her husband could not cope, especially because their daughter was 4 when my friend tried to commit suicide by taking an overdose. Thankfully, she survived, however they divorced but remained very amicable. It wasn’t until one night she came to visit me and she was inconsolable. I mean nothing I said was able to ease her pain. I realised how severely depressed she was and it was heartbreaking to see. A few months later she met a lovely guy and he was a tonic it seemed. After a whirlwind romance they married and all seemed well. The hospital had prescribed lithium and this treatment was extremely effective, until my friend found out she was pregnant. Sadly, she could not remain on the medication, however the nurses did home visits to do appraisals. I was on the bus and saw my friend heavy pregnant and she waved to me, and that’s the image I have kept in my mind, and I see her in my dreams waving to me. At the week end she sent her partner to buy shopping, and he came home to find her hanging in the bathroom. He was hysterical, and called fir help. The team tried to save the baby, as the due date was imminent. The baby was delivered by CS, tragically the baby did not survive. It’s such a tragic event and for everyone who loved her….such a loss, very cruel for her husband, and daughter, who she shared custody with her ex husband. I don’t think i will ever get over the shock and i longed to see her beautiful face and wonderful happy personality. These stories are extremely sad but comforting, as we all loved the person who saw death as their release.
Kelly McLaughlin August 20, 2020 at 12:26 am
Your story spoke to me. I lost my 20 year old daughter on Mother’s Day of this year after she intentionally overdosed on her anti depressants and anti anxiety medication. The saddest part is that she documented it all with an online friend she was talking to in another country, and she immediately regretted what she did, threw up for 8 hours, fell asleep in a bad position and suffocated. My daughter did not think she was going to die but she did and I found her the following day after returning home from an overnight trip.
I feel your pain and your description of your son sounds a lot like my daughter.
I too have a ton of guilt,as I am sure most who experience this type of loss do.
I would love to talk to you privately if you’re up for it.
You’re not alone. I feel it too.
Katie February 24, 2020 at 11:44 pm
My best friend, we’ll call him Luke, killed himself almost a year ago. We had gone to a baseball game together with a few other friends, had a great time, laughing and smiling together. When we said goodbye, it was always blowing a kiss and saying ‘love you long time, partner’. He dropped me off at my place, said ‘love you long time, partner’, blew a kiss, and then drove away. About a week later, we both graduated from different colleges. I hadn’t heard from him and assumed he was busy with family and friends. I got a call from his little brother around 9pm while I was driving home and he told me the news, Luke had shot himself in the backseat of his car and was found by his grandfather. He never showed up to graduation and his family had spent all day trying to find him, only to find him and his car about 10 miles from his house on a back country road.
I haven’t been able to sleep well in months. I see his face everywhere I go. The first few months were terrible- I wanted nothing to do with life if it didn’t involve him. I ended my engagement; how could I marry if my best friend wasn’t with me? I moved back in with my parents, unable to live alone. I lost weight, hair, my faith, my friends, and my mind. He had never once mentioned suicidal thoughts, or even his depression. I was blindsided completely and shattered. I’m starting to recover, but I can’t handle anyone mentioning his name. It’s still sore, I feel like it was yesterday that we were at the baseball game, laughing and living life.
Last week, I got a tattoo of his initials. He will forever be my best friend, my co-coffee addict, my partner. You were a shining star here on earth, but now you shine up in the sky. Luke, I hope you enjoyed your first birthday up there. You better be reading all those crappy romantic books you love, and fishing on heaven’s lakes drinking claws. Love you long time, partner.
Anonymous January 22, 2020 at 12:16 am
My boss and mentor killed himself last week. I didn’t know him for very long but I feel so confused. I am in shock, when I think about the fact that he is actually gone, that he actually killed himself, I want to laugh because it sounds ridiculous. He would never do that, he was always so happy, caring and he loved his family more than anything on earth but he did do it. I feel so terrible for his family and I can’t imagine how they are feeling. I only knew him for 7 months and it is haunting me, so I can’t imagine what they must be feeling. I remember once, sitting with him at his desk, solving an issue at work and he turned to me and said “It was really lucky that we had run into each other that day(when I was looking for a job), you are really doing a great job.” He always made sure people knew their worth and as this being my first job out of college, it meant a lot to me to hear him say that. We didn’t always agree but I know it was just about business and that he was a great guy. It feels so strange not seeing him everyday, not chatting with him, no “Good Morning” with a smile. It makes me wonder if there was something we could have done and it makes me want to know why He did it but we don’t know and we probably never will. I just feel heartbroken about it and it has been the number one thing on my mined for days. I just hope that all the people who loved him will be okay.
A January 9, 2020 at 12:02 pm
My friend killed herself during Spring Break. Only one of my friends knew about it, because she was smart and could connect the dots from the news article that was published. I can’t find the news article now at all. But, my friend told me what happened to her almost a year after she killed herself. I was in so much shock I couldn’t sleep for two nights. I stared at the ground for 5 hours straight. She was kind, she helped everyone else before herself. She had a tough exterior, and prioritized her friends. She could be “mean”, but she stood up for her friends. She also had such a soft sweet voice. She never really had a father figure. Her mom came home drunk everyday, and sometimes abused her. She had depression from a young age, and cut herself to relieve her depression. Even in elementary school, she had deep cuts in her wrists. She had cuts from her wrists to her shoulders, and her legs. She never really confided in anyone that much. She told people about her bad home life, and her depression. She dropped hints that she needed more help, but nobody really gave it to her. One day, I guess she was just done. Her mom came home, and saw her hanging in her room, she called 911. She was later confirmed dead. She wasn’t born in the right place, and I know why she did it.. But.. I miss her sweet voice, her smile that could make anyone happy. Nobody was there for her. And when I tried to ask people about her, they all had the same reaction. Nobody really knew her, or noticed she was gone. She was one of my closest friends, and I didn’t know until almost a year after. I never had any contact with her on social media or anything, so I just assumed she moved without saying goodbye but. She killed herself.
Betty January 3, 2020 at 1:08 pm
The article and responses are a great comfort to me. My little sister, 39 years old took her own life in February last year. I’m still feeling both devastated and relieved by her death. My sister was a wonderfully warm, funny, loyal and creative person who did not deserve the life cards she was dealt. She had a long history of mental illness and addiction that radiated chaos to her children, partner, family, friends and neighbours. I have worried about her my whole life, supported her, stuck up for her when family called her a druggie, called GP’s, tried to engage her in Mental Health, Adult Social Care, Drug and Alcohol services. I have lain awake at night filled with anxiety and dread, wondering where she was, what was she doing, was she okay?
In the last few years, every phone call, every text, meet up was an intervention. We did not have a sister relationship anymore. My children had not seen their aunt for 3 years. I also feel relieved for my sister, that she does not have to feel in so much emotional pain, she felt so shit and had lost so much that I’m not sure she ever would have felt okay.
Thank you for the article, it’s helping me, my husband and my children to heal.
Angelina January 2, 2020 at 7:12 pm
My dad hung himself less than a week ago, he’d been struggling with bipolar disorder and alcohol addiction for the past couple of years. We tried to convince him to get help but he always refused, he would not admit that he needed treatment. Although it crossed my mind that he might do it one day (he tried before), I never seriously thought that this day would come. When I received the devastating news I couldn’t breathe, I still don’t feel as though it actually happened. My dad hasn’t been himself for years, and I guess I do feel a bit of a relief knowing that he is no longer suffering and that he can no longer hurt my mum. He used to be a fun, loving dad, but he hasn’t been there since my mid teens. I feel partially responsible because even though i knew he was sick I said some nasty things to him. In fact, I haven’t spoken to him at all for about 3 months and the last time I saw him, he told me he was glad that I was leaving. It was after a couple of months of his manic episode that was more intense than ever. I was supposed to come home 3 days after the day of his suicide and was planning to have a conversation to him, but it was too late. I’m sad. I wish I spoke to him sooner…
Rachael January 5, 2020 at 11:17 pm
I’m sorry to hear that…your story is quite similar to mine although my father left a different way…it was just his 1 year…I was fine for a while…but now I’m lost again. Keep your head high…it does get better…times will get hard but you can do it!
Lucas February 8, 2020 at 12:19 am
My mother just hung herself last week. You sound exactly like me and what I’m going thru.
Brie March 4, 2020 at 4:39 am
My dad hung himself yesterday and I’m lost. This pain and guilt is like nothing I’ve experienced before.
Lila Grace December 19, 2019 at 10:27 pm
When I was about 4 my house was being worked on by a family friend and one of the workers always brought his son who was about ten at the time. He always played with me for months but one day not knowingly was my last day seeing him and i was probably 5 or 6. The other day i heard about a girl in my schools boyfriend or ex-boyfriend hanging himself in her laundry room. I knew the guys name but didnt even connect the two. A day ago my mom told me that my childhood best friend was that guy. i am devastated. i never got to say goodbye. Tomorrow is his wake and im going and i dont really know what to do so i googled some stuff and found this website and decided to spill everything in this comment.
Emily December 14, 2019 at 10:31 am
I posted this on another article, but it really belongs here…and edited for this space…
My husband, age 43, killed himself just over a month ago. I found him, just like I believe he knew I would. He hung himself in our basement, and I had to get him down and try to perform CPR. On a dead body. The dead body of the man I had loved every day of my life since I was 20 years old. The man I had an argument with an hour earlier, because I caught him in yet another lie. The man who I walked out on to clear my head, only to return 20 minutes later to his dead body hanging from my ceiling.
I know I am not the reason he killed himself, but I do know that I am the catalyst for it. He would tell me on an almost daily basis how much he hated the burden he felt he’d become since the fire in 2012. He was constantly in pain, both physical and emotional. I believe that he’d have taken his own life much sooner if it hadn’t have been for me. I also believe that he knew it would be me who found him, and maybe that was his way of pushing his destructive narcissism onto me one last time.
If he were here right now (he didn’t leave a note, just 2 decades of predictive clues), I think he’d say he did it for me. Maybe to make me feel like his death was my fault, or maybe because he knew I’d never truly leave him, no matter how bad the arguing got. So he decided to leave. Self-care and all that.
We had plenty of great times, as we were together for 21 1/2 years, but unfortunately I’m finding that the bad times are the ones that stick out most to me. I can’t seem to allow the good memories to outshine the bad ones. The bad ones were soooo bad! He suffered from PTSD, depression and the most crippling anxiety!
The last 7 years, these had just gotten worse! Seven years ago, I thought the worst possible thing that could ever happen, happened. My husband (boyfriend at the time) was the victim of a devastating fire. Devastating not only to us, and the others who witnessed it. Friends went away, because they couldn’t look at him, knowing they did nothing to help. His depression deepened, and he took it out on me and his mother, as we were his support system. He began using drugs he’d never done before, using the excuse that “it is the only thing that takes the pain away”. I tried to be understanding of his suffering, yet I was suffering too! I faithfully took him to his therapy appointments, weekly, for over 12 years! I let his doctors know when he was having thoughts of self-harm, and when he made attempts, at least 5 times since the fire. They didn’t seem to think he was at risk.
He spent the last 7 years of his life lying to me, and to himself, about how bad it really was. I’m also learning that he spent the previous 14 years lying to me too! The horrible things that I’ve found out since he’s died are ruining any chance I have to have a positive memory of the man I loved for my entire adult life. I feel like no matter how many of my friends and family members surround me with their love and healing, nobody truly understands how I’m feeling.
I want to be who I was before him, a whole person who doesn’t have another’s issues running their life. I am tired of pushing people away, as that was always his thing, not mine. I’m done saying no to invitations, I’ve finally began saying yes again. I find myself wanting, in some way to forget he was part of my life. I know it sounds bad, but I am 41 years old, and have the rest of my life to continue living. I refuse to sit in the dark and grieve for something that didn’t make me happy.
His death has been somewhat of a relief for me, as I no longer have his dark cloud hanging over me. I am grieving very differently than the other people in his life. I think I have grief guilt. I think his mom might see me going out, having fun and enjoying life and think I am somehow disgracing his memory. But she doesn’t know what I’ve found out. And she doesn’t need to. I just hope I’m not screwing myself up more feeling this way.
Sorry for the rant.
Betty January 3, 2020 at 1:15 pm
Hey, don’t be sorry, it’s not a rant, it’s how you feel. Thanks for sharing, makes me feel better!
Angela January 12, 2020 at 8:52 am
Emily, when I read your story I felt like I finally connected to something that resonates with what I’m going through. My ex-husband took his own life a week ago. Though we divorced a year ago, and he had been living in another state for 2 years due to his having burned his life to the ground here, we were still in a relationship. The man I loved for almost 12 years, the charming, fun, spontaneous, passionate and tender hearted one, was also a tornado of narcissism, addiction, indifference, and at times cruelty, that absolutely ripped through my life and sucked me wholly into his center. I both loved unconditionally, and despised and resented, this man, locked in a battle with myself over how I could love someone who treated me so badly, and how I could cut ties with someone I felt so irreversibly connected with. When I didn’t hear from him for a couple of days, my heart sank, and I believed he had probably relapsed on drugs, again, and was in the hospital or a rehab. When I finally reached his sister and learned he’d shot himself, alone in his car, parked by the beach, only someone who has lost someone to a death by their own hand can understand the unreality of that moment, and the shock, the sick twist you just got handed. There were plenty of reasons why he would’ve done this, the hopelessness of addiction, loss of his kids, his fading youth and ego, his mental illness.. whether something happened that was the last straw I’ll never know. But I think I have to look at it like he’s someone who broke slowly, and then all at once. I’ve been studying narcissism for years trying to make sense of him and of us, and the bottom line is, I have to accept this was the inevitable outcome of a lot of factors, some his fault, some not. He changed once he lost all the outer trappings of success, vitality, and control over his life. I thought he had become more humble..but in fact, I think he felt stripped bare without the ability to behave arrogantly and with entitlement, and like a dying star, he imploded. I’m grieving for him because I did love him, do love him, but I’m also grieving for my truly unlived life the last decade, holding on to something I knew wasn’t what I deserved or even wanted. His death feels like a statement, the final I Don’t Care in a long string of I don’t cares. I will not let this destroy me, own me forever. When I’m ready to start really getting painfully honest with myself, I’ll begin to heal. Not just from this, but from the years I lived broken and confused. You’re strong for deciding to live your life finally, and don’t let anyone’s judgment of that affect you. Only you know what can keep you putting one foot in front of the other, and no matter what that is, do it, and keep doing it.
Emily Coleman March 2, 2020 at 12:33 pm
What a great analogy, a tornado that sucked you into its center. That’s exactly how I feel/felt. If you ever need to talk, please feel free to contact me via email. email@example.com
Lily November 21, 2019 at 5:36 pm
October 22, 2019 my partner of 20 years hung himself in our garage. We had “the suicide conversation” numerous times over the past 3 years; I knew his plan.
My Mike suffered almost his entire life with depression and PTSD from an abusive alcoholic father. Then there was a motor vehicle accident that cause chronic pain-the trifecta!
Mike was the most compliant person I ever knew-he did the work, took the meds, participated in therapy, etc.
He would have been 52 on October 31.
Mike was my first light, last light, my daylight, my moonlight and my nightlight.
ben November 17, 2019 at 7:59 am
my best friend killed herself on the 9th april 2017. i don’t really have a long story for it, but i haven’t admitted it outloud or in writing really. she had a heart condition, and faced w/ the prospect of a shortened life, and a body she hated, she killed herself. here seems like a good place to just, i don’t know, put it out?
June Hutson November 12, 2019 at 4:57 pm
My precious daughter took her life on July 7th 2019. That day was the end of her life on earth and mine too.I mostly just stay in bed and read my daughters last text messages to me begging me to believe her to believe that she was not hearing voices,that people in the neighborhood were really stalking us. Then I see that I could have should have insisted on her going into a hospital.I took her to her psychiatrist less than a week before she took her own life. He was uncaring and unfeeling. She begged him to help her and he did not. Then I begged for her to be re-evaluated and his attitude was awful. So I went to see my own doctor and told him how scared I was ,he said he also could not help. There was really no good mental health care in our whole state.I then called another doctor that I found in our area and told them what was happening and asked for an appointment for her to be completely re-evaluated. The earliest they could give us was July 11th.So we looked forward to that date.Lindsey became very scared of seeing the new doctor thinking he would hospitalize her but she said she would go My precious daughter was the love of our life and we worried about her all the time. I knew what mental illness was as I had suffered most of my life with severe depression and anxiety. Now I passed this horrible illness on to my precious daughter.Our lives went along alright most of the time, Lindsey had tried hard to work and be a part of society. Finally at 25 years old we had to face that she was not able to work anymore. She was always scared to drive so I would take her to work only to have her call me crying sometimes even before I got home. That broke Lindsey’s heart and ours too.She just was not able to be independent of us.Back in those days I really thought that I was a good mother. That I was doing all I could to help her and encourage her to be as independent as possible.Our two older children that live away from us and have been for years,they are twenty years older than Lindsey,always said I spoiled her.Then losing her Daddy so suddenly both of us watching him go from seeming fine,laughing and watching TV to being gone,just gone in a matter of minutes.He died of a sudden heart attack. All that should have brought us together,it was just the two of us now but it somehow made us both much worse mentally.We seemed to blame each other in some crazy way when it was not our fault at all. She hated it that I cremated his body but she did not say that until it was done. She said I should have called 911 quicker but it all happened so fast so very fast. I blamed her in some crazy way for many little things ,things she had no control over. Things like that. I was just angry at the world and took it out on the only person there.I went into a very deep depression, and even knowing how bad Lindsey’s depression must be I could not pull myself out of it.I went into my room and left poor Lindsey alone with her grief.I would not even say I love you at times, I felt frozen inside. Like I had no heart. I don’t love you, I don’t love anyone was what I would say in one of my horrible fits I guess you would say. I was the one in my family who always hugged ,now she could not even hug me. I would stand there stiff and frozen.It was an awful way to feel and worse to say. Then I would of course tell her that” I do love you,” and I’m sorry but she was already grieving her Daddy so bad now she felt like she lost her Momma too.Lindsey seemed to only keep the bad words,the bad arguments that we had been having since his death.So my guilt about letting my daughter down and I feel actually causing her to finally take her own life is eating me alive.Yes, she had been threatening suicide since her very early teens and at first we were terrified, It was awful so scary ,we would do anything say anything to stop her. Then the years went by and the threats still happened, after years went by it started to feel like just a threat and that it would never really happen.This is hard to admit but whatever was going on with her illness had caused her to become physical at times. Looking back I think I was being so cold and mean that she had no other way to fight back.She had never really hurt me bad but I guess because of my past abuse in childhood and as a young woman I was not able to deal with this. I found myself thinking OK, I was abused as a baby,a child , a wife now I’m elderly and my own daughter!So I had a hard time moving past it and instead of trying to understand why she might be doing this I became angry. I would hold a grudge. So the way it was Lindsey and I would argue ,she would get physical,then we would make up and she would try to hug me, I would pull away and she would be so hurt.I could never explain to her how it made me feel to be pushed,or squeezed or have her hand over my mouth and then her try to hug and kiss and make up.Now I realize that she was only trying to make me stop saying mean things.So it was in this kind of horrible atmosphere that the unthinkable day happened.That day, that horrible day, we were again arguing and she had stood in front of me in a kitchen corner and started saying hit me hit me over and over,I know you want to,I did not want to,I don’t even now know where that came from. Now I normally never hit my baby,I had been psychically abused during much of my life and I did not even believe in spanking.For some God awful reason I did that day. I slapped her and she slapped me back.She walked off and changed her cloths, it was pouring rain and she had been outside and got wet. I called to her saying Lindsey please come in the house,You will get pneumonia.Now she came back in the kitchen and she said I’m going to hang myself, In my anger with my face still stinging as I’m sure hers was I said Go Ahead.NEVER NEVER NEVER even remotely thinking it was real. She asked me again really? God help me I said yes.Our sick pattern was she would threaten then walk off and I would chase her or call or message and beg her not to hurt herself then we would make up.I had just bought her a new lime green couch and a pretty chair with birds all over and she had been out back in her little playhouse,a small house that we had for her to have privacy and a place to feel at least some independence.She was up there cleaning and vacuuming getting it all ready for her new furniture..She had told me how excited she was to sit on her new couch and use her new headphones.Then while vacuuming the breaker burned out and now she had no power. We were both in a hurry to get power again since it was only two days before delivery of her new furniture.That day seconds after she walked out the back door the front doorbell rang. I knew it was an electrician we had called because her power was out in her little playhouse, a building we gave her with a loft and TV .Well I answered the front door, began talking to the electrician about the power, a breaker needed replaced. I truly thought she was up there just just like always and never imagined anything else.The electrician found my baby, she had hung herself. She had told me she had been up in the loft earlier but I had no thought that she had been up there making a thing out of her dogs lease to do this nightmare thing. She had not only lost her Daddy but her two dogs died within months,and she lost her elderly cat a month before,she had lost her best friend kitty while her Daddy was still here. So much death.The repairman said later it looked like she was trying to get down, but she had been standing in an old folding lawn chair and it had broken trapping her legs.So if I had not said Go Ahead, if I had run after her like always, if only I had not answered the front door, if I had not been so selfish in my grief for my husband. All that and more if I had been a good Momma to my beautiful little girl she would be here now.So why am I here? I am an old sick woman who deserves death.She was a young beautiful girl who had not lived her life.Sorry I just had to say it all.
Nolene November 18, 2019 at 4:39 pm
I am so very sorry for your loss and grief. Your story really touched my soul. I lost my mother May 25th 2019. She hung herself in a hotel. I am incredibly sad and traumatized and am also dealing with grief and anxiety from it. My mom was mentally ill for years following a stroke. In and out of mental hospitals for years. They said it was Bipolar.. but I think it was other things as well. She thought people were breaking in to her condo, raping her, stealing things etc. I have fought for her to help her for years but as you know.. mentally ill people are very difficult to deal with on any level. She threatened suicide for years and none of us thought she’d ever do it. Like your situation, my mom and I could get along but also said hateful things to each other. I didn’t get to see her on Mother’s Day and I will regret that and other things probably forever. We loved each other and that’s what counts…just like you and your daughter loved each other. I could not have saved my mother nor could you your daughter. No matter what we did. It was going to happen despite every intervention. It was not your fault…. it was not my fault. They made that decision long before your fight..long before any of the fights we had. For whatever reason.. that was their destiny as damn terrible as it is. I go to therapy and it’s really helped me to process. The biggest thing is self forgiveness and letting go of the guilt. I just wanted to reach out to you and say I will pray for us both. I hope they are safe with God where there is no more suffering. Try to live your best life in her honor, that’s what I am going to do. They really in their sane selves would wish that for us. Much Love and light to you.
Ella November 11, 2019 at 11:22 pm
Hi I’m Ella I’m 14. Um my best friend for 9 years is probably the most suicidal person I know, the cutting got to the point where she could accidentally commit, she’s in a mental hospital right now for a month I miss her so much I don’t even know if this is gonna help her. Is it normal to feel like she’s already dead ? What do i do
Richard McDonald October 13, 2020 at 12:14 am
I am so sorry you too had to go through this.
My angelic. son Sean McDonald was threatening suicide at Hilmar CA Elementary.
The school counselor told us and Sean that he was faking it for attention. Sean then soon hanged himself.
I have found that most mental health professionals are poorly trained to cope with child suicide s.
Richardmcdo at gmail.com
Take care, Richard
IsabelleS October 14, 2020 at 12:40 pm
Richard, I am so very sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you. I am also sorry to hear that you have had poor experiences with mental health professionals. I suggest you check out this page to find someone more equipped to help: https://grief.com/grief-counselor-directory/. All the best to you.
Ella November 11, 2019 at 11:22 pm
Hi I’m Ella I’m 14. Um my best friend for 9 years is probably the most suicidal person I know, the cutting got to the point where she could accidentally commit, she’s in a mental hospital right now for a month I miss her so much I don’t even know if this is gonna help her. Is it normal to feel like she’s already dead ?
Brian January 12, 2020 at 12:57 am
Be your idea of a good person (thoughtful, kind, empathetic, etc.). Keep that big heart and train yourself.
Take care of yourself.
Amelia shongwe November 5, 2019 at 9:07 am
My son passed away on the 16/11/2019 and he killed him self.
He didn’t live any note and he didn’t say anything to me. his son was born on Friday and Saturday he killed him self. but his friends told me after the funeral that the child was not his. I want to do a DNA test and prove that the child was not his. then after that can I sue the mother of the child for all the pain she has cause me and my family?
Frank Schumpert October 18, 2019 at 10:09 pm
I am a surviving father and husband of two suicides in my family. My wife of 26 years after suffering from bi-polar and borderline personality, took her own life on October 8th, 2000. On September 8th 2019 I found my son in his apartment dead from a self inflicted gun shot to his head. He was 27 years old, and he was a combat veteran who had been out of the Army for 5 years.
In the 5 years he was treated by the mental health people at the VA. He could not hold a job due to his mental state, It was just failure after failure until he reach a point where he had had enough of this life.
I’m sure that he inherited genes from his mother that affected him in the same way, he spoke to me of his depression and creid out for help, he just wanted a normal life, but instead he suffered mentally and physically agony every minute of the day.
I text and called him every day, when I didn’t hear from him on the 8th of September, a great fear arose inside me, I went to his apartment and found my son dead.
I don’t know if I can go on, my heart is broken and destroyed by these suicides and the pain that neither my wife or son aske for or deserved. What hope is there for this life?
Kristin October 19, 2019 at 2:04 am
Frank, I am so sorry for your losses. I lost my only brother and my dad to suicide in 2015. My grandmother and great-grandfather also died of suicide. I’m only telling you this to hopefully help you feel less alone. I understand how complicated your grief is, and that it makes sense to ask how to go on, or why. I don’t have a good answer, except – you just do. You just do it. You go on for that tiny spark that’s inside you. That tiny part of you that’s still alive. Still loves. That tiny spark is enough to keep you alive, and it holds all your feelings of despair, rage, love, confusion, hope… there is still hope and you will find your way out. That spark will grow to light your way out of the hell you’re in now. I don’t know how, or when, but it will.
Lisa November 23, 2019 at 7:01 pm
Thank you Kristin . Im looking for that little spark . to keep pushing me along.
Kathleen December 8, 2019 at 5:13 am
I want to give my condolences!!! I am soooo sorry.
I know how you feel slightly, but when you state what hope is there? I need a spark too.
My husband of 22-years took his life in May 2019. I still have not “accepted” the fact that I will never physically see him again.
Kristins reply and nice words, are a little hope!.
With Love and Hugs…
Shara December 11, 2019 at 12:40 pm
My husband, a family practice physician, committed suicide in 2015. It was devastating to watch him descend into a deep depression, and I tried to no avail to help him. Stressors included work and fears that he was prescribing too many controlled substances (this had come to his supervisor’s attention yet there was no direct consequence) and fears that his very elderly father might pass. His father, a pastor who was very loving, kind, and compassionate, was a rock to David. Another stressor was that David was awarded custody of his daughter, and this created extra effort to get in many ways to provide a good upbringing for her. At Christmas, my husband became very anxious and depressed, and he was having difficulty functioning. We decided to go for an evaluation, and he was surprisingly admitted to the hospital. The next several months involved several rounds of ECT, a diagnosis of Bipolar I, transfer to another facility, and a couple more hospitalizations. Custody of his daughter was returned to his ex-wife, and he would come home for a few days, rapidly decline in terms of paranoia ( would not eat anything I cooked, was insistent that we were going broke) and he refused to bathe. The decline was shocking, and no combination of medication seemed to work. He insisted that I put our home in my name only, and he felt that I was the enemy he could not be trusted. The toll of his anger, depression, and paranoia was hard. I lost 60 pounds, was trying to work as a therapist, and was always afraid of what I would come home to. At one point I caught him being quite mean to my 7 lb dog. It finally reached the point that I could no longer function. I lost my sobriety after 25 yrs of abstaining, and when he was about to be
hospitalized yet again, I realized that I had nothing to offer him unless I started taking care of myself. I helped him move into an apartment, continued taking him to his appts, started attending AA again, and we mutually divorced. I’d invite him to go out to eat, walk, etc, but he usually declined. His pwn pastor and best friend were concerned and tried to interact with him. I would call David, and there was a 2 day period in which I could not get ahold of him from work. I walked into his apt and found him sprawled on the floor, dead from a massive overdose. It took an hour for the police and fire dept to get there, and I could not believe that our love had come to this. The ripple effect occurred in which every person in David’s life blamed themselves for not doing more, etc, even though David’s illness and anger pushed them away. I drank heavily for 2 years, quit working, and was a mess of self-guilt, self-blame, and shock. I found a wonderful therapist who helped me unsort the complicated mess our lives had become. I chose sobriety, and returned to work a year later, realizing that I had survived this experience. While it affected my life in so many ways, I know today that there was nothing I could have done to save a person who was intent on ending his life. At best, I was delaying his decision. May David rest in peace.
Cody January 2, 2020 at 5:38 am
You’re not alone in the way you feel. It never gets better but it does get easier with time. I hurt for you and anyone else who has to go through this.
I lost my brother to a self inflicted gun shot wound in 2015 and unfortunately was there when it happened. It’s destroyed every part of my being, as if that day, that moment, everything plays over and over in my mind. Some days its the worst imaginable pain and other days you look back on the memories and smile.
Life will never be the same but we must go on and find reasons to live life and find happiness, even if that happiness is just for a moment.
Aaron M October 9, 2019 at 7:23 pm
My father shot himself May of this year. We had text daily for a long time, I always knew he was unhappy, but not that kind of unhappy. I received a call from my sister around 530 AM, and found it troubling just in itself. I laid back down and heard the voicemail chime, I read the transcribe and saw words indicating an officer called. I listened to it, and promptly deleted it so I could never experience that horror again no matter what. Nothing has been the same since, we text the night before and I noticed he seemed off, but rather than say anything or question it, I went to bed. I am not sure I will ever forgive myself for not asking him what was wrong.
Its been months, and life moves along. I am now closer than ever with my mom and sister, and have realized I only get one chance in life. I find peace in knowing my dad was proud of me and my recent successes in life. I still am haunted of pictures in my head of what his last few minutes were, and they impact me very deeply. I walk through life like nothing is wrong, but inside I am so crushed, and forever will be. I still fail to understand why it was okay to do this to us, we never did anything wrong.
Either way, it hurts me deeply to see all of these comments and stories, I wish it was not possible for people to kill themselves. I worry and wonder what my later life will look like, as now I am terrified of one day facing the same demise.
Kathleen December 8, 2019 at 5:17 am
Yes, reading all these posts, is heart-breaking, and I’m already heart-broken as it is!!! My husband of 22-years took his life in May 2019. I don’t understand this either. EVERY SINGLE DAY I ask… “WHY!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?”
My condolences to you!!
Alexis January 7, 2020 at 9:30 am
Hi Aaron. I’m so sorry. I understand as my dad shot himself in the head in front of my mom and his cousin in June 2019. He texted me that he was sorry right before he did it and we talked on the phone earlier that morning. He was talking about how he was having thoughts that morning and I was going to go over to my parents house to help him, but he told me not to come. I still feel like I should’ve gone over there.
My mom and his cousin were trying to help him and talk to him before he did it, but he ended up saying some hurtful things to my mom and she had to step into their bedroom with his cousin and she tried to calm my mom down. He came into the room shortly after texting everyone and did it.
He was in a wheelchair and had been for 35 years and had been struggling with depression for years. My mom and I constantly reassured him he was amazing and wonderful – because he was. He was independent and helped others with disabilities daily. He was an inspiration.
After he did it, I received the call from my dad’s cousin’s husband. I still don’t believe it almost 7 months later. I immediately felt like I had to be strong for my mom so i suppressed a lot of my emotions. Things have also changed for us since. I don’t have any siblings, so I moved with my fiancé into my moms house where it happened. While that seems crazy to most people, we find it shockingly healing. Being back in the house has made me able to finally grieve and process, even though I still feel like it’s all a dream. My dad had planned this as he reached out to several people weeks before he did it and told them to take care of my mom and I if something ever happened to him. He told all the family he loved them by video weeks before.
I understand why he did it because he had talked to my mom and I about it several times, but it still didn’t prepare me for it. We tried every time to convince him not to ever do it. We know he’s at peace and not hurting anymore.
I just had to reach out because our stories are a little bit similar. I wish you and your family peace during this time.
Sarah October 4, 2019 at 12:45 pm
My best friend and I used to talk about everything. I knew he was depressed, he knew I was as well. On nights that were particularly tough, I’d take all of his weapons from his house to be sure he’d be safe. I’ve never liked being around guns but for him I didn’t think twice. One night I went over and we had a LOT to drink. We played video games until midnight, when he made a sexual advance. I know it was the alcohol talking, so I paid it no mind. But in my drunken state I chuckled, he knew I was a lesbian. I noticed the clock and called for a ride home. When I stood up I realized I was much more inebriated than I thought, so he walked me outside to my parents car. He hugged me tight and told me he’d see me tomorrow. I told him I loved him and I went home.
I woke up the next morning to a text that said “I’m sorry, GB”
I thought he may have meant goodnight, until I got the phone call saying they found his body. He shot himself just after the text.
His family blames me, his friends blame me, even I blame me. I cannot think about any type of suicide with immediately crying, and it’s been over 2 years now.
I am 23 years old, have been to 20 funerals in the past 10 years, and none of them have ever haunted me quite like this. Friends have drowned, overdosed, been murdered, car accidents, disease, and nothing hurts quite like this. How do I forgive him..?
Irene November 29, 2019 at 12:15 am
Dear Sarah, your friend’s death is not your fault. He had been drinking and was not in a stable place. No matter how hard we try we can never be there at all times and we cannot always be able to save those we love. My son made his first suicide attempt at age 18. The next 8 years was a literal battle in trying to get him help. Long story short, in the last year of his life, he was hospitalized 6 times. He had been out of the hospital only 10 days when he took his life. In that short time, he had seen his doctor twice, gone to two therapy sessions and a support group, and he and I had talked for hours. Since I worked full time at night, at 2pm on the day he died, I told him I needed to get some sleep. He said he was going for a walk. I told him to be safe and that I loved him. He said he loved me too and left after a hug with a smile on his face. Five hours later my husband and I found him hanging in an old barn. He was in so much pain. I believe in the eternal nature of our souls and I know his spirit lives on. Be gentle to yourself. You were as good to your friend as you knew how to be. I have a degree in psychology and I could not save my own son. It may take many years, but you will heal. Just know that having this experience will help you to be a more compassionate and loving person. If your friend had cancer, would you blame yourself for the death? Of course not. Mental illness is the most insidious because it robs one of their own sense of self. Read the book “Night Falls Fast” by Kaye Redfield Jamieson. It helped me and I think it will help you. I’m sending positive thoughts, love and prayers to all those who suffer from loss due to suicide. It is suffocating, but survival comes one step at a time. The son I speak of hear died just 17 months after his older brother died of a self inflicted gunshot to the head. I found him dead on my bed with his brains on the floor. People say I am strong. It is my faith and my love for my other children that helps me continue. Please don’t despair. For all its pain and sorrow, life finds a way.
Kathleen December 8, 2019 at 5:22 am
My husband of 22-years took his life in May 2019. This whole situation is difficult enough for the loved ones left behind. I’m so sorry, and all I can say, from what I have come to learn is …
“Bless and Release.” When you are ready to forgive, I think you might feel a slight load off your shoulders, but the pain, I regret, will always be there. Take Care!
claudia September 13, 2019 at 5:22 pm
A girl from my old high school killed herself yesterday night. She hung herself in a park near my neighbourhood. She was one year younger than me and I never got to meet her properly : I had first noticed her for always wearing sleeves or copious amounts of bracelets in public and I had seen some pretty bad scars on her arms. As at the time I was self-harming as well, I had understood what was going on with her. I knew, yet I never had the courage to finally talk to her. I know that probably would not have changed anything, but I am now constantly thinking about how things might have gone if I had told her about myself, about how it can get better with the proper help, with the proper friends. I am heart-broken, I have no idea how to deal with this as nobody understands why I’m so upset about the death of someone I had only seen walking in school.
Becca September 20, 2019 at 1:48 am
I wanted to respond to your post because my little brother died by suicide on 8/25/19. I’ve been reading articles to help me process things. Jeff and I were extremely close. Jeff had attempted suicide multiple times since 2014. We talked about it and he promised me he’d always call me if his mind started to wander into the darkness. Jeff called me multiple times but this one time he did not. I’ve been devastated. One thing I’ve accepted is that his choice to take his life was to relieve himself from his pain. I was there for him…for 29 years I was there for him. Me being there, my mom being there, my family being there…it didn’t make a difference.
One grief article I read stated “Grief is your own, and only yours.” Others might not understand, but there are others who do understand.
Jeff and I had shared traumas growing up. I endured two years of intense therapy to let the pain go. Jeff couldn’t open up to anyone about his pain. It was just too hard for him.
When you are ready, please forgive yourself for the guilt you’re currently feeling. When you’re ready, please look into finding a therapist that you connect with (it took me meeting 6 therapists until I met one that I felt comfortable speaking to) it’s a scary process…but it’s worth it in the end.
Lastly, I’m sincerely sorry for your loss…
Lasen September 3, 2019 at 5:18 pm
This is for all those who believe in light at the end of tunnel.
Our view about death and suicide needs to change. There are people doing quantum jumps and shockingly finding dead people alive again in other realities. It is really possible to get your loved one back using the jump. Please read about quantum immortality. Then go to reddit and see how people re saying they committed suicide. They were supposed to be dead. Many tried extremely brutal methods and still found themselves alive. One guy tried to kill himself 5 times. Each time he came out alive. Educate your loves ones on quantum immortality. If in reality X someone kills himself then his consciousness jumps to the body he has in reality Y. By the way, this is not limited to suicide only, but people who do it are more retrievable than those who die due to illnesses.
You may not have many supporters if you do the jump. It seems the society is brainwashed into believing that getting back someone from death is worse than the person dying.
Robert Rue August 31, 2019 at 2:35 am
My name is Robert and on March 6th 2018 at 5:58 I recieved a call on facetime from the woman I have been in love with for over 15 years, and I say have because I still am, and she said ” I called just to say good bye”. I said ” Do what?” As I noticed she was actively loading a gun. She had the phone set so that we could see each other. I remember she was sitting in the car and the radio was so loud…. I panicked and started to plead and beg the woman I loved more than life, more than living ,well more than anything to please stop and not do this. She didn’t respond to my pleas instead she continued to prepare herself. Alot is hazy after this because you must understand when you see the love of your life, your soulmate, your person place a pistol to the side of her head and look right in your eyes and say “I’m sorry. I love you.” Then look to the left and you hear a pop and see a flash time just stops. You live in that moment for the rest of your life. Every single day that is what you see. You see her slowly slump forward and notice little things, like her hair blowing in the air condition. I lost it! Rational thinking went out the window and autopilot kicks in. I ran to my mother’s busted in, all the while watching the phone and listening as hard as I could for any sound, a moan or any movement because there was no way she was gone! Not my baby! “Call 911 I screamed with all I had. Mom said why what’s wrong and my mind not working correctly and realizing my daughter that calls her mommy was standing right behind me screamed Bobbie shot herself and I think she’s gone. Then I heard the most blood curdling scream as I realized my baby had made her way to the couch behind me and stood on it getting a good look at what daddy would not take his eyes off of on his phone. She saw mommy dead and lost it. I barely took notice because my eyes would not leave the phone. Finally after eternity passed, the car door opened and a paramedic reached in. Now is when I believe everything changed cuz till this moment there was hope there was a chance. I believe I was sure he’d say ” she’s alive get the streacher” but instead he just pulled away and shook his head no…… That was when my soul ripped in half and i lost consciousness. I beat the door with my fist until my hands wouldn’t close hit my knees and screamed out everything in me! I had just witnessed my world shatter. As I’m writing this it’s hard to see threw the tears. It’s been over a year and I’ve been committed to mental hospital, went to prison and put myself in every dangerous position I possibly could. I quit being a daddy and if it wasn’t for a friend letting me stay and having wifi I wouldn’t be sharing this with you. In fact if I hadn’t been looking for the most painless way to commit suicide I’d have never found you at all. I don’t know where I’ll be tomorrow or if I will be but I felt like I should share our story. I’ll never love another and I didn’t keep my promise to her. I’m a liar! We said if one of us ever went the other would be right behind…. but here I sit. I’m so sorry Bobbie you deserved so much better. I’ll love you forever and will see you soon enough my love.
Gracee September 2, 2019 at 9:14 pm
First, my heart is beyond heavy for your loss of your wife. That is absolutely heartbreaking. You have every right to feel how you are feeling right now. Your friend that you are staying with right now? Hold that friend close. Hold every single person you have love for, or once had love for, close right now. Please reach out for help to your loved ones. People do care. I care, and I don’t even know you. I want give you my contact info some how if you ever need to reach out to anyone and have them listen.
As the daughter of someone who died by suicide, I cannot express to you how much devastation that would bring to your children. My dad died by suicide when I was five, so I don’t remember much of him and that is part of the pain. I want to know him. He is apart of me. I want to be able to talk to him and ask him questions and hug him more than anything in the world. Please stay strong for your children. This is not forever. You can do this. Please stay strong.
Eulalia DePrins August 19, 2019 at 10:54 pm
My boyfriend of 9 years died by suicide 14 months ago. We were so happy. Did everything together. I knew he was sad because two months to the date his beloved dog of 17 years died. My boyfriend was a happy go lucky guy. Always had a smile, Always wanted to make people laugh. My heart is broken. . My life was so happy and now its broken. No one understand what a hole I have in my heart. I wonder am I going crazy? How long will I feel this way? He overdose on some pills and I found him died on our bed. That image will never go away. My baby was shattered and I didn’t realize how much he was suffering. We also had a petty fight that day. Which was strange because we rarely fought He was so talented in so many ways. He was so loved. I don’t think I will ever enjoy life again.
Boris August 2, 2019 at 5:19 am
My very good and close friend from childhood committed suicide. Her boyfriend committed suicide by hanging in her apartment few weeks prior her own death. I live in different state and i could not find the time to visit her, instead we spoke on chat, our mutual good friend was visiting her as much as he could. I know he feels guilty, because he thinks he could have done more, i feel guilty cause i didnt have time. I am trying to avoid these thoughts as much as i can but they always find the way back and i feel as if i would meet her, if i have said something it could have changed the outcome. I feel guilty. She was 29 years old beautiful human being, she as many others should not have died like this. My mind cannot quite digest what happen i feel numb, with occasional sickening and chilling feeling coming out of my heart with constant pressure on the back of my mind. It feels like some emotional prison, i just cannot understand that i do not want to accept it.
Justin Johnson July 25, 2019 at 11:11 pm
I had recentlylearned that my best friend had just hung herself. Very recent. I instantly took the “No, that isnt true” path. I mean what else was there to do? This girl, had been the closest friend to me. We had made plans to go out and do things in highschool like normal teens. The last thing I said to her was: “I want to see you first thing, on the first day of highschool. I’ll be there.” So. To cope? I banged my forehead into a wall for a bit. Then I texted her number and continuously called her phone. I then sat on my bed, and cried. Hard. Screaming, shaking. You name it. Everybody knew we were close. Now I’m getting too many f*cking message to read at once from classmates. Things like “You good?” or “Dont do anything stupid” I want to be in a coma. I want to see her again.
Katharina July 24, 2019 at 6:06 am
I lost my boyfriend and best friend to suicide six months ago. Can´t describe my feelings, it´s just too much. Changed my life forever. I feel so alone, as there´s nobody who’s experienced the same near me. Don´t even know why I post this, even after months it feels like nothing and nobody can help me. I wish everyone else here the best, it is so horrible to read all your stories. At least now I know I´m not alone.
Bridget July 25, 2019 at 3:00 pm
Hey Katharina. I too lost my boyfriend (and best friend) to suicide.. 11 months ago. Each day is still such a struggle and I find myself no matter what I’m doing always and constantly thinking about him. I constantly go back to that day and going over every small detail of it. I generally feel like I’m in a black hole that I will never get out of. I honestly don’t know how I will get through an entire lifetime with this kind of sadness on my shoulders and in my heart. It’s an intense weight and it just feels like too much. I just came across your message at the top of the comments and felt like I really wanted to write to you.. Someone that has been through something similar. Maybe we could talk a bit. Bridget
Warren July 17, 2019 at 6:45 am
Our 21 year old boy strangled himself to death inside his locked room yesterday. He was a good kid, never in trouble, was making Dean’s List in college (after a rough start). He was, I thought, happy with his life up until a few weeks ago, when his girlfriend of 2 years began to dump him. She called it off last week, and this week was dating one of his friends. I thought he was handling it. He was out with his true friends just before.
I had no idea he would do this. They had no idea he would do this. He left no note.
I didn’t have the best relation with him. He was upset because I lost a good paying job a few years back and was just living on our savings. But I was always there for him, doing the little things. I gave him my car, cooked meals for him, had money for college. I was mostly hands-off as he was living at home, going to school and working.
I could have done better.
Mitch July 14, 2019 at 4:57 am
I lost my husband of 16 years , died of suicide 5 months ago . One early morning, I got up from bed and couldn’t find him . I thought he had been out to the grocery store or somewhere . Then he hasn’t come home for awhile and I started to really worry . I’ve called his cell phone many times and no answer. Four hours later, A police officer was knocking in front of my door then told me that my husband is deceased caused by self inflicted. My whole world caved in and I died with him that day as I’ve never been the same ever since. As of today, I’m still confused of why he isn’t around anymore. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of him and wondered where he might be ” in the dark or in the light” . I could cry so many times, be in bed most of the days, feel guilty, rejected, alone, empty, hopeless, lifeless , worthless , and be miserable but I know it will never bring him back physically alive. At times , I feel like I have no purpose to go further into life with all this pain I have to endure every single day. I have no one in my family or friends who truly understands what I’m going through . They expect me to just move on and tells me it’s not my fault and to stop procrastinating. It’s very painful for me to hear especially coming from your own family and friends and other people ( church, neighbors, relatives, co- workers etc…) who are quick to judge my husband as a bad person because of how he died. They tried to avoid my feelings when I talked about my husband over the phone as if nothing ever happened and made me feel that they’ve never been happier when they hear me cry and miserable. I felt let down by anyone so I stopped communicating with any of them. I prayed every day and asked God for his guidance and direction to help me go further into life. I missed my husband beyond belief. I expected for us to grow old together as we had planned years ago to travel around the world to figure out where we’re going to live when we retire someday. I know that no one can help me feel better but myself. I am aware of my declined of enjoying life but It is very hard for me to see my existence as of now.
Hurting so much . July 17, 2019 at 8:36 am
Im totally feeling your pain after my beautiful wife gased herself in the family car leaving behind our little 9 year old daughter and a 27 year old , 15 and 13 year old . Only being 3 months the pain is totally unbelievable and the heart break of wondering why or what could of stopped it . Like you that pain will never heal and every day every minute like yoi always thoughts are their . But to stand strong and take this front on is to be strong for yourself. The pain will be their , the love will be their but to take this laying down will not change things . So like you my pain is real but please be strong and keep moving forward . Because to do anything else will not help you or your husband . I wish you well and one day happiness but like me you will never forget .
LORI June 8, 2019 at 8:47 pm
Nice article, I am a survivor parent who lost my only son to suicide 6 months ago. I respect everyone’s right if they prefer not to use the word “commited” , but that is a word I do choose to refer to how my son ended his life. I get very offended and feel isolated and shut down when I read people telling other people not to use this descriptor. I think it’s very judgmental to tell a person what words are acceptable to use when they are being brave enough to put their grief out there. Please be kinder.
Jane June 6, 2019 at 5:56 pm
My dad killed himself 3 months ago. I’m 19 years old. The month before he did it, he took me to the movies: bohemian rhapsody, we were both crying while we were watching it. After that he made me dinner at my mom’s house since they were still on good terms and we watched the full Live Aid concert. He cried again while the song: Love of My Life, came on. We sang really loud and ate amazing spaghetti. This was my last real fun father-daughter moment (Beside putting a bird in vodka for my final exams since I study biology but that’s another story), that I will truly cherish forever. After that I had finals so we didn’t communicate that much, but he did come to see me and my siblings everyday. (We live with our mother due to his past alcohol addiction) He had a new girlfriend since 4 years and we really thought he was doing better. His car didn’t smell like alcohol anymore and he was always talking about how he enjoyed countless golfing trips and diner dates he took with his girlfriend, we were so happy for him. The last thing he told me face to face was something about Neil Young, and the last thing he send me on facebook was a song by Neil Young. (This song was placed on the back of his death card.) The day before he did it he called me numerous times, and i ignored his calls on purpose because I was too buzzy being with my boyfriend. I didn’t ignore them on accident. He even sent me text messages to say I should pick up. But as the egocentric teenage girl I was at that moment I didn’t call him back. I will forever regret this moment. Not that I could have prevented his death, because no one could I guess. But I wish I just could’ve heard his voice one last time. One last phone call. One last “How late will you get home?” and “I miss you”. One last “I love you” at the end of our phone call. His suicide note was short and “weird”, and it ended with: “you (me and my siblings) were my best friends”. This sentence broke my heart. It gives me chills when I think about it. He really was my best friend. Dad if you read this, I will forever love you and cherish our moments together. I miss you so so so much. I am bawling my eyes out right now. Please never take a moment with your parents for granted, because I did, and I have so much regret right now. Thank you for reading.
Nicki June 7, 2019 at 12:40 am
I feel your pain. I understand the guilt, regret ALL OF IT. I lost my Fiance on May 28th 2019 its been 11 days and my heart is broken. I have no words to explain the heartache or pain and I have begged and begged to just wake up and have it all be a cruel joke. We had plans, we had our life left to live. Now 29 years old with a 7 year old and a 6 month old Im left feeling empty, affraid and Alone. There is nothing anyone can say or do to change this and I am so so sorry about that. I missed the signs, looked passed it all because I never believed this was ever a possibility for him. He was 34 and had been battling something I will never understand.
I met with a life coach today (Im from Terrigal in Australia) and he told me that I will never get over this, so dont listen to advice when people say you will be ok with it or to be strong. You have to learn to GROW around it. Have it be some part of your story as messed up as that it. I feel defeated I feel like I have lost something irreplaceable and Im scared to live this lofe without him but feel what you feel. Ride those waves and sit in the hurt. Try and overlook the emotions your feeling long enough to sit and think whatever it was that made your Dad make that call was bigger then his love for you and it was a darkness that was just too much for him. I am searching for answers. I didnt get a letter or a fullstop. I am in denial and I feel all hope is lost. Its easy to say they are at peace now when we are left here with excruciating guilt and loss. I have never known loss or pain like this and I am angry upset and feel hopless. I cant seem to understand OR believe it. 1 hr at a time. Your time. Feel the feeling and allow yourself to grieve. I ignored messages also and a call probably 5 minutes before he done it and I am torturing myself for it. I believe we pass on and slip into a holding place so that when the time comes to revisit the world/life we are reborn and redo the same life! I am not religious but I believe dejavu dreams all of it is because we are living the same life over and over one soul leaves and another entres. Thats how we learn thats how we grow. Tomorrow will be better then today. Grieve your way at your pace! Xx Nic
Tabitha June 23, 2019 at 3:13 am
I lost the love of my life and best friend 8 years ago today. He chose to leave me and the people he loved that day and that has always been the hardest part for me. The part that makes it impossible to get past. He promised to always be here with me and for me and he broke that promise because he was fighting a battle he could not win. He loved me with all of his heart but could not move past the things that weighed him down. I spent years blaming myself, thinking if I had just said that or just done that it would have been different. Truth is I never could have changed the out come. I know this now, but it doesn’t make it better. I miss him everyday and this time of year can be overwhelming at times. In 2 days it will also be his birthday, but I can tell u every year I think about what he would want for me and I try to do better because I know that is what he would want. Yes it does hurt and it does stay with you, it changes everything about the person you once were. Let yourself grieve take your time and don’t let anyone tell you whats right and whats not. Only you know whats best for you. My advice is try not to feel guilty about the feeling better when you get there, your allowed, your still here and no matter what was going thru his mind he did love you and it’s ok to be angry. It’s also ok to miss, love and at some point forgive him and yourself. I know you feel alone in this but I assure you there are people who understand exactly how much you are hurting.
Jason June 11, 2019 at 5:48 pm
Jane my heart goes out to you. I feel your pain I’ve lived it and still do. Keep strong for your dad. He’ll be watching down on you.
dm August 29, 2019 at 1:29 am
Jane, your words are literally helping me not make the choice your dad did. I am a dad who just lost my job. I keep telling myself my wife can remarry and do well financially and my five kids will have each other to lean on. I tell myself I know they’ll hate me, but that hate is necessary to get through. That later in life they will be able to understand. The important thing is that they get the insurance money and she remarries well because I have no idea how we are going to survive my sudden job loss. I’m so scared, but I don’t think I can go through with it knowing I could hurt my kids so badly. Thank you for sharing your heart.
Michelle May 28, 2019 at 8:24 pm
My dear brother jumped to his death from a 325 foot bridge a week ago today. The day after his suicide, my BFF killed herself the day before my brother. Two losses by suicide back to back. I am so heartbroken! I had parted ways with my BFF a couple of years ago as she was becoming (more) manipulative and drinking herself into an early grave and I just couldn’t be around her anymore. have tried to reach out to my BFF’s husband and daughters to give my condolences but can’t seem to find them home and don’t have their phone numbers. I left a card on the doorstep and hope to hear from them soon, but eve I’m not sure how supportive I can really be for them. I feel a tinge of guilt not staying in contact may have contributed to her demise and my hope is that her family isn’t somehow blaming me. Not sure if my gestures to reach out will be welcome and with the grief I’m already feeling for the loss of my brother I’m not even sure I’m even able to be supportive. Thoughts?
Chan May 28, 2019 at 2:46 pm
My 23 year old elder sister whom I loved the most in my life killed herself by suicide one month ago… She was kind, loving, helpful, used to think about others happiness before her and was the best person in my life… Life is just so hard after her for me and my whole family…I m just 19 but feel like ending my life too because that incident changed my life 360 degree… I m depressed, guilty and all alone… I feel I will never be happy in my life again and life has no meaning for me still for my family I won’t do anything like this because they won’t be able to take another shock… The thing which hurts me the most is that to some extent I knew she was not ok due to her breakup and small family fights I tried to make her understand but it was not enough… I should have understood her in better way… She told no one in family but me and my cousin… She used to say to me that I don’t know if after your birthday I would be there or not but I didn’t take it seriously and thought she is joking to tease me because she was so mature and so caring I thought she is elder than me and knows better this is not right and she killed her in the same month….. But I was not able to see the pain she was going through, she was depressed and wanted to get back to her jerk ex bf…. And now I am going through same kind of pain… I m depressed… I just want to talk to her because we didn’t talk for 3 days I was busy with my exams and was not there for her when she needed me… I know I am the worst sister anyone could get but I really loved her alot I want to do something for her and want to say sorry to her…. Just one chance I need but unfortunately I don’t even know if I will ever meet her again or not…
Ray May 28, 2019 at 7:01 pm
This is never the answer to any situation. There are alternatives. Please reach out to someone for help. Ray.firstname.lastname@example.org
I’m here to help also. Just don’t make the same mistake. Please.
Austin June 21, 2019 at 5:05 am
I lost my closest brother 2 years ago to what was most likely suicide by cop. I miss him so much, I can relate with you 100% if you ever need someone to talk to plz feel free to email me at email@example.com
Chan May 28, 2019 at 2:39 pm
My 23 year old elder sister whom I loved the most in my life killed herself by suicide one month ago… She was kind, loving, helpful, used to think about others happiness before her and was the best person in my life… Life is just so hard after her for me and my whole family…I m just 19 but feel like ending my life too because that incident changed my life 360 degree… I m depressed, guilty and all alone… I feel I will never be happy in my life again and life has no meaning for me still for my family I won’t do anything like this because they won’t be able to take another shock… The thing which hurts me the most is that to some extent I knew she was not ok due to her breakup and small family fights I tried to make her understand but it was not enough… I should have understood her in better way… She told no one in family but me and my cousin… She used to say to me that I don’t know if after your birthday I would be there or not but I didn’t take it seriously and thought she is joking to tease me because she was so mature and so caring I thought she is elder than me and knows better this is not right and she killed her in the same month….. But I was not able to see the pain she was going through, she was depressed and wanted to get back to her jerk ex bf…. And now I am going through same kind of pain… I m depressed… I just want to talk to her because we didn’t talk for 3 days I was busy with my exams and was not there for her when she needed me… I know I am the worst sister anyone could get but I really loved her alot I want to do something for her and want to say sorry to her…. Just one chance I need but unfortunately I don’t even know if I will ever meet her again or not… Plz tell me what to do
Michelle May 28, 2019 at 8:07 pm
Chan, I’m so very sorry for the loss of your sister, how heartbreaking! All the things you are feeling are normal after a tragic loss such as this but know this – it’s not your fault and it’s nobody’s fault. Not one thing pushes a person to take their own life but often a series of things, along with distorted thinking. Your sister wasn’t thinking rationally for if she was she would have considered the heartbreak she would be causing those that loved her. Take time to grieve, to cry, to be angry. No emotion is wrong if that’s what you’re feeling. Allow yourself to feel the full scope of your feelings. Some days will be better than others and over time you will begin to smile and laugh again. It is your right to live the best life you know how. Honor your sister by living your best life.
Pam cavanagh October 31, 2019 at 11:57 am
Thank you. Similiar to Chan. My nephew confided in me that he’d put a belt around his neck. He begged me to not tell anyone. I kept his secret. Six weeks later he hanged himself. I am so sad and remorseful.
Gerald H Bokor May 23, 2019 at 10:47 am
My ex-wife took her life 2 weeks ago un-expectedly. Divorced for about 9 years she had re-married 6 years ago. We shared 2 great kids boy & girl 21 and 24 currently. She had suffered from depression for years and a licensed RN one would think she’d be the first to admit a problem, nope! I couldn’t deal with the emotions as a result of this disease and had to file for separation. So with that being said, I continued to love this woman as I did when we met but just knowing we could never live together was tough.
Then 2 weeks ago I get a call from my son. broke my heart that a 20 yo boy had to tell his father his mom was gone. Nothing could have prepared me for the emotions I would be living with for the rest of my life. Why didn’t she call me? the questions came faster than I could process. But at the end of the day it was about the kids, how do I go from a dad with an ex-wife and two kids with a mother, who was active with them up until the last 20 minutes of her life to this?
The pain she must have felt I can’t even begin to imagine. She had attempted during our 18 year marriage but the effort was never there. I just can’t wrap my head around the fact that an accomplished nurse and the mom of 2 of the best kids one could ask for, could do this? but that’s how powerful (it) is!!! I suffered a major heart attack and PE clot last year and thought wow at least my ex wife would have been here if I hadn’t have made it, heck she was at the foot of my bed when I woke up, I was at her hospital. And now this, what do I do now? my kids OMG.
My son turned 21 4 days after we buried his mom, my daughter turns 25 in 2 weeks, it’s going to be a long road something I never thought I would have to be privy to. Don’t ever become to complacent and think your in control because in the blink of an eye your life and those around you can change forever. God bless & Love you L and know that “I got this”!
Brett Beddow May 22, 2019 at 11:15 pm
So much I want to say , but after all these years I still think about it. Every funeral I go to or hear about I flash back to Mary’s , my wife , in 1998. Every time I see someone hold a gun to their head either in a kid or joking. It’s not always bad thoughts , I miss spending time her , the way I felt around her. She needed me and I need her. Finding out bad things afterwards or cleaning up , picking fragments out of the wall in the other room. The way peop,e looked at me. She has come to me in my dreams or my mind has tricked me into thinking that – but I miss her still
I’ve relived every fight wondering what triggered it , why ? I’m broken and will never be the same.
jae May 13, 2019 at 8:51 pm
three months ago one of my best friends, who was long distance, killed himself. he was only seventeen and it hurts it hurts so bad he was basically my older brother and i miss him so much it hurts and then another friend of mine went to prison not long after and it sucks i know i still have friends and all but sometimes all i can think of is when i found out my friend killed himself like i had just gotten a math test and a friend had messaged me and everyone else in the friend group that he was in the hospital and we didn’t know if he was dead and all i remember is thinking that he can’t be dead no way he always bounces back. i remember just not believing it and i remember breaking down in my moms arms and it sucks it sucks so bad i’m so angry and upset i just miss him i want my older brother back.
Matt January 15, 2020 at 8:20 am
Hey, Jae. I’m sorry for your loss. I’ve been through a similar experience, my best friend abruptly took his own life just a few days ago. Jacob was essentially the foundation of my growth. I was struggling with every sort of disorder and constantly overwhelmed and exhausted, and when I began recovering from my severe depression, Jacob was the catalyst of my happiness. To me, he was a lot like your friend- an older brother, a very young man who brought light into this world. All of the pain and anger and relief and stress you will experience is normal, and although I may not be a counselor or a therapist, you can contact me at firstname.lastname@example.org if you need to talk about it. I hope things get better.
Jai May 12, 2019 at 12:38 pm
My brother took his life 3 years ago, he wrapped his head with a towel and proceeded to shoot himself, he was just 27 years old. He had told me that he had thought about suicide before, I got him an appointment with a physician who gave him antidepressant medications. A month later he ended his life. He was ten years younger than I, being the older sister I took care of him, babysitted him growing up…..my role has always been caretaker. A year later my husband died of heart attack and my other brother went to prison for drugs he started using after my baby brothers death. Following all of this I found out I have bipolar with mixed features, Ptsd, social anxiety and agoraphobia, my dad also found out he is bipolar as well. I feel the hopelessness my brother must have felt, it’s no kind of life to be eternally sad, no joy, no color. I blame myself for not taking his telling me that he had thoughts of suicide in a more critical way. I blame myself for not sending him to a better doctor. I have isolated myself, some days getting out of bed is impossible. I feel like a shell of a person just here. I have recently went on lithium, lifting depression slightly. I cry daily of course hiding it from my family. I just want half the person I use to be before his death. I don’t know how to get out of this sad rut I’m in. I hope anyone who has lost someone to bipolar can just know that meds after meds, some get no relief. Insomnia and the overwhelming sadness day after day, some not able to function is no quality of life. It is torture, not to mention the bipolar or depression causes you to hurt physically, including severe headaches, stomach problems etc. It’s overwhelming, most think of anyway to feel relief. Even knowing this, the grief is horrendous, so many shoulda, coulda, woulda, not to mention the answers I so desire. I just don’t know how to get back to me, the old me…..I’m stuck in my grief, a complete sad rut. My life is like the movie Groundhog Day, everyday the same. I am so sorry to all of you who have had the tragic loss of a loved one, sincerely!
Elizabeth Berger May 27, 2019 at 10:59 pm
this comment was touching. I’m depressed too and you put into words exactly how I’m feeling. what kind of life is this; a life without color..
Connie May 10, 2019 at 3:39 pm
We lost our son, and two years later our daughter in law remarried and her husband died exactly like our son 6 weeks after they got married. It was like we lived it all over again.
Dayna lucett May 20, 2019 at 3:43 am
My son passed by suicide . He married a girl he was seeing for a very short time. I was against the marriage. I shot himself before his anniversary after learning she was cheating. I blame her as she has no emotions due to his death. I keep having these feelings that her next marriage will end in the same result. She had filed for divorce moved out and was happy go lucky to collect the life insurance .when he did this she ddnt even call us. I was contacted by the coroner in my county. My son lived out of state. The wife happily signed over his body, belongings. When I flew to the state he lives she for a living sells guns and knew he was severely struggling and never told us. I requested the 911 call and she knew. Is it wrong to feel she is responsible?
Samantha May 7, 2019 at 1:10 am
What a lovely message. My son took his life. I am working on forgiving myself even though my friends say there is nothing to forgive. As a mum I should have done more. Your husband was very lucky to have such a kind wife for so many years.
Cindy May 5, 2019 at 5:22 pm
Im sorry, but i say “my mother committed suicide”. If it adds depth to the grief, clearly it is wrong!!!!
Jasmine April 21, 2019 at 3:11 pm
One week ago my grandfather jumped in front of the metro. He was 87. We suspected he was suffering from depression and was fed up because of my uncle who gave him a hard time was not a good son to him. My grandfather was emotionally abused by him. He had been frustrated for a long time. He said that he wanted to die but we never imagined in our dreams that this will actually happen. I met him a day before he decided to end his life. Spoke to him on the phone half an hour ago before he left the house to do this. I can’t stop thinking about how this could have been avoided. He didn’t deserve to die like this. I miss him.
AshlynnStamps April 18, 2019 at 11:27 pm
My Jaeson would be 23 years old in May, but yesterday he called me saying he was killing himself and that he would never see me again but he loved me. He wouldn’t tell me his location but that he’s hours away from home and he’s going to do it where no one can find him. It’s been 24 hours and there’s no signs of him or his vehicle. I’m scared to death. No one has heard from him or can get in touch with him. I’m the last one to have spoken to him. I just want to find him and get him the help he needs before I post his story here in the comment section too.
Erica April 22, 2019 at 12:34 am
I’m so sorry for what you are going through. I know what it’s like. You’re in my prayers I hope you find your son. I truly do. I have a similar story, If you’re interested please don’t hesitate to email me email@example.com
Stephanie April 17, 2019 at 8:43 pm
My heart goes out to each every one of you. My mom took her own life 9 years ago. At the time we weren’t on speaking terms. Because of the abuse I endured and the most hurtful words any mom could say to her child.
So I’ve carried that guilt of not being there or even not being on good terms. I was the one that got the calls when ever my mom would attempt to kill herself. I always wonder if she would have gone through with it even if we were on good terms, would it be harder for me to move forward?
I’ll never know. But I do know that my mom was determined to end her life. Some even think that she would have take me with her if I was there. ( That’s really a scary thought). I personally don’t think she would have done that. Seeing the aftermath of it all was unbearable. I will say this, seeking out a life coach was the best thing I could have done for myself. My moms suicide has taught me a lot about myself. I don’t miss the Monster my mom could be , but I do miss the times when she would love me with out limits. Even if those times were short and brief. I know everyone experiences and grieves differently, but if anyone wants to chat. I’m here. I’ll listen.
Julie April 16, 2019 at 10:28 am
I lost my common law partner to suicide 5 months ago and I miss him so. Life seems like I am on automatic pilot just going through the motions, with little or no joy. I also mourn the future that I will never have with him, especially since we were so close to our retirement that had so much promise to be filled with fun adventures. We had such a loving relationship that it is hard for me to understand that it was not enough for him to continue to live for. It is also hard for me to understand that I was not enough to have saved him. Yes he did suffer from anxiety and near the end depression symptoms were present but he was being treated for the best part of a year, including by a psychiatrist, so I thought all was under control. Maybe because that is what I wanted to believe, I did not see the situation clearly.. I did notice that he was a bit distant at times but I had blamed that on the medication. I was so busy with work for a few days leading up to the end that maybe I was less attentive than I should have been. I had a pre-planned obligation out of town when it happened. I feel so guilty for: not seeing the signs; not taking the time required to really explore how he was feeling before I left town, and for leaving when he obviously needed me most. We did go out for supper before I left and I did ask if it was ok if I go as planned, to which he nodded yes. At this point I am not sure if it was something that was preplanned or something that he decided to do after I left town. I was not gone 24hrs when it happened. I am not sure how I will get through this and I question my self-worth for not being or doing enough to save him.
Carolyn April 11, 2019 at 2:44 pm
My brother took his life on 03.01.19.
I cant even put into words how i feel about it.
I could have saved him i know i could of, he messaged me at 04.18 am telling me he loved me. I woke at around 7 and seen it, thought to myself this was out of character and then seen the heart he posted on facebook.
If i hadnt of been so busy with my life i could have phoned my mum who was in the house with him and told her.
12.36pm i get the phone call , “there is something wrong with your brother he is unresponsive”.
My life crumbled.
I drove to the house after what felt like forever, soon after he was pronounced dead.
My only sibling. My bestfriend. My idol. My brother.
Not long after my mum then overdosed , and ever since im going back and forward every day to get her daily perscription.
I have 3 children to look after also.
I just feel fed up, numb, and i just want to be with my brother.
Laurie April 24, 2019 at 3:04 pm
My brother and only sibling died by suicide on 2-19-19. I have 2 kids. I know exactly what you’re feeling. It is a lonely feeling. Know that someone else out there knows how you feel.
Cristina April 7, 2019 at 3:54 pm
my boyfriend and best friend died by suicide yesterday. i do feel like i’m going crazy. nothing makes sense to me. his friends and family blame and i blame myself too. I was the last person he texted before he took his life. i was the last thought he had before he pulled the trigger, how can i not hold some sort of blame. i want a re-do. i just want one more chance. i’m angry and i’m sad and i feel like i’m broken into a million little pieces. When i try to piece myself back together i feel like i’m missing a half the pieces. i feel like i will never be the same after this. and that scares the shit out of me. does anybody know of coping tools?
Dan April 10, 2019 at 5:02 pm
Hi Cristina, my sister jumped in front of a train last week and those who were close to her are all still in shock. I am reading everything I can find right now about suicide, there is a lot of helpful information out there. Here is a summary from one article, I hope it might help you …
• Know you can survive. You may not think so, but you can. • Question why it happened until you no longer need to know why or until you are satisfied with partial answers. • Know you may feel overwhelmed by the intensity of your feelings—and that all your feelings are normal. • You may feel confused and forgetful. This is common when you are mourning. • You may feel angry with the person, with the world, with God, with yourself. It’s okay to express it. It is also okay not to feel angry. • You may feel guilty for what you think you did or did not do. Let guilt turn to forgiveness of yourself and others. • Having suicidal thoughts is common. It does not mean you will act on those thoughts. If the thoughts continue, seek help and support. • Remember to take one moment or one day at a time. • Find a good listener with whom to share. Call someone when you need to talk.
Don’t be afraid to cry. Tears are healing. • Give yourself time to heal. • Remember: The choice was not yours. No one is the sole influence in another’s life. • Expect setbacks. If emotions return like a tidal wave, you may be experiencing a remnant of grief, which is a normal part of grieving. • Put off major decisions if you can. • Give yourself permission to get professional help. • Be aware of the pain of your family and friends. • Be patient with yourself and with others who may not understand. • Set your own limits and learn to say “No.” • Steer clear of people who want to tell you what or how to feel. • Do not accept blame from yourself or others. • Know that there are support groups that can be helpful. If not, ask a professional to help start one. • Call on your personal faith and values to help you through. • It is common to experience physical reactions to your grief, such as headaches, loss of appetite and difficulty sleeping. • The willingness to laugh with others and at yourself is healing. • Wear out your questions, anger, guilt or other feelings until you can let them go. Letting go doesn’t mean forgetting. • Know that you will never be the same again—and that you can survive and even go beyond surviving.
Adapted from I. Bolton & C. Mitchell. (1983). My Son…My Son: A Guide to Healing after Death, Loss or Suicide. Atlanta, GA: Bolton Press. With permission from Iris Bolton.
Cristina Munoz April 11, 2019 at 1:14 pm
Thank you Dan. This is all super helpful, I needed this. I’m sorry you’re going through this too.
Katharina July 24, 2019 at 6:12 am
my boyfriend and best friend committed suicide six months ago. You´re the first person I could find that experienced the same. I feel so sorry for you. It is so hard when there´s nobody who can understand this pain. If you want to talk or something, that´d be nice. I really hope you can cope in some way. All the best.
Mila November 2, 2019 at 1:46 am
My ex boyfriend killed himself July 29, 2019. Self inflicted gunshot to his head. I spoke to him that morning and he was happy, he loved boating and was out with friends having fun and drinking. He was successful and had an amazing family. I know he recently started seeing a therapist. He drank excessively and frequented hookers. He knew he needed to change and he was trying to. Overall, he was happy. I’ve never seen him upset or sad even. He had everything going for him. I don’t k is why he did this. He didn’t leave a note, he was found 2 days later. I don’t know if he thought about killing himself or if it was a random decision. He was the sweetest man I have ever met in my entire life. I miss him so much. I just want to make some sense of this.
Lorraine Malonson April 1, 2019 at 8:55 pm
My 28 year old son was found hanging in the woods after going missing from a sober home 3 weeks earlier. This was 12/7/2018. He had battled mental health for 8 years. We put him in a sober home as a final resort where he was to address his self medicating and mental health issues. He was never properly diagnosed for 8 years as he would never follow through with treatment. We suspect he was bipolar with psychotic episodes. My heart is crushed and life will never be the same. I am in counseling and finding this more bearable. Please seek help! My mother died 4 days after my son’s funeral. I believe his death contributed to her death. I have barely begun to mourn her as I’m so consumed by him. Counseling definitely helps. If you don’t have the means for personal counseling, there are free support groups out there. Seek them out and help yourself live a better life.
Savannah Elizabeth Speight April 1, 2019 at 10:15 am
My best friend died to suicide 4/1/19 due to child abuse. I hope Gabriel can hear me, and that his mother and father go to justice, I love you, Gabe you will always be in my heart, you killing yourself has hurt me deeply, but now youŕe hopefully happy and in peace. You were with me and I wish that you were still standing by my side, Gabe, I love you.
Sarah March 23, 2019 at 6:08 am
Thanks for the article. My heart goes out to all those who have commented :'(
My mother killed herself after numerous attempts 5 years ago. I am still grieving for her.
I understand that for someone to take their life, they are in unbearable pain. A friend once told me they thought suicide was the most selfish act a person could do. I’ve thought about that comment, and yes, it is selfish… but for those who are suffering enough to find living unbearable, I understand it appears to be the only way out. Finding empathy and understanding after the sadness and anger passed has greatly helped with the healing process.
I have felt alone in my grief, but funnily enough I met my boyfriend recently and discovered that he also lost his mother to suicide. It seems to be too common.
The best advice I can offer through my experience is to feel your feelings, whatever they may be.
We are human. We are vulnerable. But we are strong. There is strength in surviving loss.
I still cry quietly, sometimes. I miss my mum. I open my heart and feel the pain of loving someone who was broken. Yet I won’t let it break me. And neither should you.
Forgiveness and healing will come.
Katie March 21, 2019 at 11:11 am
My former fiance took his life 1/2/12 by gunshot on his parent’s property ( they owned a ranch). He was supposedly intoxicated at the time and beside him they found his bible and three letters to me. If that wasn’t traumatizing enough, I was never informed of his death nor told about his funeral. His parents blamed me and still do to this day, because I ended our engagement because my then fiance became active in his alcoholism. He and I were maintaining a long distance relationship so I never knew he was drinking the whole time, despite claiming sobriety. He came to visit me two weeks before the wedding and he was drunk when he came off the plane. He denied it for three days. Finally on the night before he left he admitted he’d been lying to me for months. I broke off the engagement (lost all my parent’s money towards the wedding) because I asked him to get help. I am a single mom and couldn’t expose my child to that danger. His first of three suicide attempts was a month later, the second a month after that and the third the day after new years. I tried to reach him after hearing about the first attempt but he never contacted me. The letters that he left for me said he didn’t want to live on this earth without me. His mother finally admitted to their existence when I called her after reading his obituary on the internet six months after his death. She didn’t keep but one of them, and the one she kept she sent and it was very painful. I have never been the same. Never been able to have a successful relationship. It’s been 7 years and both people I dated after were openly threatened that I still had feelings for the man that left this earth. I am forever changed. I have considered suicide many times but could never leave my child. Life can be so cruel.
Ben April 5, 2019 at 11:22 pm
Katie, I read your comment and I can imagine how you feel. My girlfriend was beautiful, charismatic and beautiful. She had been with me for 12 years, but killed herself, mostly because of my rejection. She had had many emotional problems and tried to kill herself several times. I prevented them, but finally started to distance myself from her. When she hanged herself in our apartment on January 29th, 2010 and I found her body, it was like being blown apart. I felt so guilty that I wanted to kill myself immediately, but I didn’t want to inflict on my elderly parents the agony that I felt. Nevertheless, I still feel dead. I was a paratrooper when I was younger and I am not a weak man, but I want to weep most of the time, though I never do, and I always feel as if I am just pretending to live. Katie, I don’t know what the answer is to our problem. It has been nine years since my girlfriend died, and I do sometimes enjoy things, though my outlook on life is still one of deep sadness and hopelessness. I guess time has helped a little. I know that the standard reassurances snd two psychiatrists didn’t help me at all. Katie, just hang on for your child and things will get a little better as you watch your child grow up. That is a good reason to keep on going.
CpR August 8, 2020 at 4:32 pm
Has anyone ever ‘connected’ with someone, so close.. that it made your insides feel like they are twisting?
Really hurting.. for no reason..
Like something is trying to tell you that they need you?
My dear Friend, I met her through her bf, ( he was new to the area and one day we started talking and ended up going to his – where I met HER.. and smoked pot together.)
From the moment I saw her, I was stunned.. there was that ‘something’ about her feeling over took me,
And we got on surprisingly well..
Like we was meant to meet?
I started to grow a crush on her, and started to knock at his door often, but really it was only to spend time with Her.
( I know that sounds bad but let me explain)
It got to the point that every time I knocked their door, She would answer it,
And we would quietly hug before we went into the room where her bf was.
The hug.. it was a real hug, like she meant it.. literally the best hug I have ever felt..
We was very close.
Sometimes, stories went around that her bf was hitting her, and every time people asked her about it, she’d just say that she fell over or something..
But the way she was, always so sweet and happy.. no one had a clue what was really going on, I had a slight idea but the way she pretended to be ok, she played it so well..
There were signs but, no, that kind of thing wouldn’t really be happening., right?
As time went on, our hugs, turned into pecks on the cheek,
Then one night,
Her bf was having a ‘party’ at their place, she didn’t really like his friends and she called me and invited me?
I asked why, what about the other people that are there?
She said to me that she doesn’t like any of them and that she trusts me, and wants to talk to me.
I didn’t really like this guys other friends either, and I said to her that I’ll just come knock for her in the morning if I don’t turn up..
( that phone call.. could of changed our life’s if it went differently )
I stayed in, thinking it’s just a party, things will be fine,
But in the middle of the night..
I started to get some randomly painful feeling in my gut??
Felt like it was twisting up..
And her face came into my head.
I thought about it but then I thought no, nothing will happen to her, I’ll see her in the morning..
Morning comes, I walk to hers..
Police are there, I asked what happened!?
She hung her self.
I cried my eyes out..
No one knew how close we were,
I think she was my soul mate, and I was Meant to save her – that night.
This happened over 10 years ago but I’m still not.. ‘ok’.
Her death ripped me apart.
I’m sorry.. I just found this site and decided to share.
It’s slightly comforting knowing that I’m not the only one that has felt this..
Be safe.. please.
Maureen Vanhook March 18, 2019 at 10:14 pm
I have read all of your stories ….. And, I have cried my eyes out, literally … I still don’t understand. My beautiful 25 year old son with two small children, took his life, 4 days before his daughters 5th birthday. He loved both of his children dearly. I have a ton of pictures of him playing with the kids … you can SEE the love. Yet, he took his life, just when I thought he was happy and doing well. I am devastated that I didn’t see this coming. I stopped it so many times before. He was determined. And his wife ended up pregnant 3 mos after he died (not his child). Should I read something into that? … I don’t have the energy. I miss him sooo much. And, I am not allowed to see his children, which is even more painful. Little Jack is a clone of his daddy. I’m a strong person, but this is a lot to deal with. I struggle with the question, was this due to his bi-polar issues, or was this due to his current circumstances that he didn’t know how to handle? Do I need to join a group? I’m good most of the time, but sometimes, it still hurts incredibly : /
Tessa winger March 14, 2019 at 3:45 am
My little sister shot herself in the head a week ago. She was intoxicated and from what I hear she plated with her gun. I hear she did it alot. She told my mom she never loads it. She was 25 and a single mom with a 1 year old daughter. She was in a abusive relationship. She left the guy and as it turns out he was there that night. His story keeps changing. Its a open investigation. I know my sister would not intentionally shoot herself. I strongly believe someone put the bullet in the gun. I did not even know she had a gun. I am in such disbelief. All I can do is cry. My chest hurts and my stomach is in knots.
Jean March 15, 2019 at 8:15 pm
My heart breaks for you Tessa. My grandaughter’s boyfriend shot himself while she was in the bathroom, horrible, that was a year ago, she is doing okay now but it has been a long haul. My brother hung himself on Jan 7, 2109, my heart if so filled with grief it is comsuming. Your grief is your own and I find myself always looking up life after death and studying the hereafter. It seems to calm me. Be strong and find your very own way to grieve. I send prayers to you!!!!!!!
Tessa winger March 17, 2019 at 12:47 am
Thank you! My heart hurts. I will not stop until I fine the truth in what happened. I am interested in the after life. I am going to also contact a spiritual church and see if I can get some closure. This is consuming me. I am a mess right now. I cannot stop shaking. Does this feeling ever go away. My sister was my best friend.
Janet Gomez March 7, 2019 at 1:10 pm
My boyfriend died by suicide on 12/13/18 we was together for 2 and half years I broke up with him and he went to get a gun and pulled the tiger I heard him but I didn’t pay attenuation I thought he wanted my attention because he has done this before. I was getting my gym shoes. I heard him go back to the cabinets. Then i heard him put the bullets in the gun and shot himself so quick before could f stop him. I could of stop him I hate myself everyday for not believe him for not stopping him earlier before he even put a bullet. I heard BOOM and heard him fall I still didn’t think he did it until i got up and look in front of our bed and i seen him laying down bleeding. I yelled his name I covered his wound to help him stop bleeding. I loved that man and I still do. I never thought this was gonna happen. It hurts living with this pain everyday. I could of done more I could of believed him. I feel like I’m living a bad dream everyday.
Michelle February 28, 2019 at 10:26 am
I want to end my life daily. i have had a life of sadness, subdugation, 2 suicides -1 step daughter 22 11months and my son 35yrs. i had 3 family members die unneccessarily tragically due to incorrect intervention and the lack of appropriate intervention. I am not angry I am just broken hearted and depleted of internal flame or energy. i have looked at ways to end my life via a suicide machine, suffocation via carotid artery, overdose of prescription and non presciption drugs plus many other preparations. The reason I havent taken my life is because of three close people whom i respect and dont wish to hurt. Sometimes the pain is nearly to overwhelming to bear and the choice of being with my loved ones is ever increasing and the excuses to stay are dwindling. I would like to have my closest people to understand my leaving. I havent improved in six years since my sons death and dont forsee improvement to my quality or quantity of life. I have nil to give this world and want nothing from this world.
I understand why my son and step daughter took their lives they are labelled as mentally ill but they were driven to suicide by other influences such as bullying. Not having the appropriate intervention or tools to overcome the negativity from bullying is what drove them to taking their own lives. Humans are cruel apathetic, it is easier to disassociate from a person who is not doing well emotionally. Comes down to being told you have to see someone and get a prescription to fix your chemical inbalance of the brain. Why ask if you are OK when in truth people dont care and are cautious to stay unaffected.
Why do I have to stay here in life, saddened, suffering emotional pain when I could follow my son and experience happiness more than I have ever been on this earth. I hate suicide for others but I believe that I have a right to decide my own fate. I wont cost the public any money as I have paid my funeral and have life insurance covering any costs attributed to my death, no funeral no hoorahs no coffin just cremation, and a special trip to the murray and my sons grave spreading my ashes.
Jean Manifold March 15, 2019 at 8:24 pm
I feel your pain Michelle. I have thought of suicide for about 5 years now. My husband is ill with MS and I have been looking after him for 18 years. No love, no intimacy, sometimes I hate this world. 1 year ago my grandaughter’s boyfriend shot himself while she was in the bathroom, we went through hell with her. On Jan 7th my baby brother hung himself. I have wanted to die so many times I planned to get fentynol to help me. I have 8 grandkids who love me and my 3 kids and I can’t imagine hurting them and them feeling like I feel. Every day is saddening and the pain if overwhelming. I research life after death every night and it some how soothes me. I sleep with his sweater every night and I talk to him even though he is not here. Would you or do you believe in life after death?? Remember god only takes the best!!! Huggzz to you Michelle. Feel free to e-mail me.
Gleena April 9, 2019 at 12:24 pm
Your life is precious. You are precious. Your pain is real and I am sorry you feel it. I was too wrapped up in myself to show my concern and love for my sister and now its too late. Michelle, you are right that life is cruel, but remember that your life is a gift, and even though you are in pain, there are people who understand. I hope you feel the love that I am sending you.
June Hutson November 12, 2019 at 4:21 pm
Michelle, I lost my beloved daughter in July 7th 2019. We had lost my husband of 59 years her Daddy a little over a year ago.
I had taken care of my little girl for 35 years with his help. She was 37. When we lost him to a sudden heart attack right in front of both of us we fell apart. I let her down,I failed her,now I am alone and looking for a way to go. I am 75 and don’t want to be here. All the ways I found could fail,leave me in a coma etc. I don’t know what to do. I bought books about it none really help. I have never had or believed in guns,my baby died by hanging. I don’t know how to do that plus I am weak and hands arthritic.
It sounds like you do have people in your life,I hope you decide to live for them. I hope I find a way or find the will to wait for Gods will.
albert blaney February 21, 2019 at 12:19 pm
my dad has cancer and i am only 16 turning 17 next month and my sisters and mom tell me i dont care about my dad haveing caner and i have been through
Rita Jenness April 9, 2019 at 12:30 pm
Your sisters and mom are coping in their own way. Seventeen was a challenging year for me, you go through so many changes, but as you grow up, you realize that people act in certain ways for reasons that are totally unrelated to you, because of their own insecurities. My older sister was sometimes mean to me, and I was mean to her. But we both had different reasons for being that way to each other. I wish you a future filled with happiness that you make for yourself, and that you share with those you love. You have great power.
Morgan May 18, 2019 at 5:36 am
I was around your age when I had a friend kill herself. We had been on rocky terms for quiet sometime, but I went to offer her mother my condolences after I had heard the news. I got to the house and her mother invited me in for tea. We sat in strained silence for what felt like an age and a half. Eventually she put her teacup back on its saucer and, staring at the untouched liquid in it, said, “This is your fault. If you had been there when she needed you, she wouldn’t have turned to this.”
The reason I wanted to share this with you, Albert, is because, while what Rita said does hold weight, I recognize that perhaps it doesn’t really convey the comfort you need – it wouldn’t have for me, anyway. There are only so many allowances you can afford someone in their grief. At some point it stops being about them. You are in pain too. That pain is your own and it’s just as valid as your family’s. Maybe your relationship with your dad is strained, but that doesn’t mean your feelings toward him are lacking – relationships are always complicated, and it’s okay to be angry or spiteful toward him; it’s okay to still be upset that he is sick while still being angry and distant; it’s okay to not be all too bummed out about it, too. Just because he’s sick doesn’t mean that whatever your relationship was with him before he was diagnosed is automatically reset into something wonderful. People don’t work like that.
Last year, as a senior in high-school, someone I looked at as a little sister wasn’t able to beat out her cancer. She died in the middle of my finals week. I wasn’t able to attend her funeral, for a variety of reasons. It’s hard to watch a loved one go through that, but at the end of the day, all of it has its place in life. Maybe there won’t be a specific answer for why your dad got sick, or why your family is lashing out at you, but that doesn’t have to invalidate what you’re going through. It might be your dad that’s sick, and he could be the worst person on the planet in your eyes, but you are grieving, too. This grief, this pain, this confusion, all of it is going to have its place. Nobody other than yourself can tell you what exactly that place is, because what you’re experiencing belongs solely to you, despite the commonality of the situation you share with other people.
It’s up to you to figure out what you want to do with your grief, how you want to handle it, where you want to settle it beside yourself and in your life, and what role you want to take in seeing this situation out, but, no matter what you decide, you can take comfort in knowing that you made those decisions for yourself. You are the most important person in your life – yes, you should think about others and do all that you can to help them, too, but you should always come first on the basest level. (it sounds absurd to say, but when my grief was fresh, I was taking a psychology course – Maslow’s hierarchy of needs was something that, even just glancing at, made me feel a little better because, in a round about way, it allowed me to understand that, while I can and should help other people, I also needed to help myself. I don’t know if that’s something you’d be interested in, but it’s there if you’d like to look at it.)
Cheers, Albert. Hopefully your dad will overcome this. Hopefully you’ll manage to settle yourself the way you need, too.
Dorinda B Trumbauer February 16, 2019 at 4:36 pm
April 6, 2017 I returned home from work at 8pm to find my youngest son (20 year old) hanging on his bedroom door. He had recently returned home after living with girl friend and her family for 3 years. In a journal he had kept he wrote “she said it was 5 years of hell. What the fuck did I do!!” Then the next page was torn out. He wrote his suicide letter on it. She had called their relationship of. I took her with us on trips. They appeared to be happy. I tried to talk with him and kept being shoved away. He did not want to listen at all. His note said life hurt too much. I worry about my other son who seems to be ok because I do not want to loose him either. I talk about it to people and do not hide it. I have met so many people who know someone who died by suicide. I invite them to my place for one on one talking and so they can walk the paths in woods to feel relaxed and one with good. I tell myself and other I had to let it go to God that night.
Kim Patterson February 14, 2019 at 12:12 pm
My son died from depression related to bi-polar disorder on 9-4-2017. It’s hard for me to say he died by suicide, because it was depression that took his life. This happened on Labor Day at my father’s house in the country. My husband and I took my son who was 27 out there for the day. Several of my nieces and nephews were there with their families and they were all down at the lake. My son took one of my father’s guns – which had always been in the house. There were also bullets next to the guns. This is something I never ever thought of. He walked down to a hay bale and sat up against it and killed himself; shooting himself in the back of the head. When we went to look for him later that evening, I just saw him sitting there. My husband is the one who went up to him as he thought he was perhaps sleeping, he looked that peaceful. I will never, ever forget that day, and how I never saw my son other than when we first got there, but also that I never had any indication or nudging that I should be worried about him or go looking for him. However, after the event, I started to piece together many things, including possible suicide attempts that I couldn’t see for what they were. I had become used to his deep depression, and he hid it well. Sometimes he was better, but when I look back, it’s so obvious how bad he was. Yet, we couldn’t see it. I just can’t stop thinking that I took my son to the place where he took his life, and I helped him do it. There was a gun and bullets just waiting for him. It’s awful.
Rita April 9, 2019 at 12:38 pm
My heart is heavy for you. I lost my big sister. We were naive also, but we are trying to remember good memories of her, and hard lessons that she has taught us. Sending you love.
Gail Julmi April 13, 2019 at 3:34 am
Kim, you are not to blame for your son’s death, for which I am deeply sorry, otherwise I am to blame for my son’s death because of depression. We did not know how depressed our son was, or of his fears, which we are piecing together only now. Our son hung himself in August of 2015. We can only guess at how much emotional pain he was in because he hid it so well. I have three beautiful granddaughters who will be teens in a few years and am crippled by thoughts that perhaps one of them will develop depression as mental illness is so prevalent in my family. My heart goes out to you but you have so much to offer the living so please don’t give up, dear friend.
Elton February 12, 2019 at 4:58 am
I’m sorry for my bad wrote and poor english..!!!
I just had the worst story and tragedy in my life… I live in Toronto for 7 years, got married 5 years ago with my dream girl and have 2 beautiful girls… our life was an example to every one with just working as workers and a very little income but more enough to cover our expenses.. The honour and the fact that we was real and clear souls, without being jealous for the others success in their life’s we just enjoying every moment whit what we have, making our friend’s feeling jealous for us…
(I’m saying this because they thought (our friends) that they have better life from us because of our economic situation)
After long time our hard work and honest personality make the success that we could’t believe…
I want to explain to you my friends what really happens to my life because i would like to have a clear and help full answer…
After all this years and seeing my life and economic situation being better every year and only because my hard work and honest personality that many people don’t really like it because i could help them if i was not so honest at my work or so honest at my bosses.. anyway …!!!!
After all i decide to invite my sister that she live’s in Santorini, Greece to visit me in Toronto.. i was wandering to ask them to stay and live with me in Toronto and live the island (Santorini) for ever… Their life’s at the island was dedicated to nothing else other than work… summer time they never had the time to check the sea how it was or drink a coffee like family or having any diner all together because of the pressure for the work (no choice)..!! At winter time was something else totally deferent from the summer.. totally empty totally alone totally no life, only couple hundreds… In few words if you live and work in those islands you have no life if you are just a worker like my sister her husband and their son….
I told them my situation just after couple years that with the hard work and being honest you can have better life than what they have in Santorini after 14 years making the same money and no one appreciate their hard work..
They make the decision to visit me at winter time because of their work, and see me and my family how we doing how was our life’s our married life with 2 kids being grow our kids almost alone with no help in this big city, Toronto..!!!
At last they came and was surprised about how we have this wonderful life..
I had my own construction company and 4 people working for me
i bought a house just 4 months before they come to visit me, also i decide to buy a new car to my wife because was time to change her old car and buy a mercedes benz (finance of course) i put some down payment and got the car in couples days,
she (my sister) was really happy for me and all this beautiful things that happens to me and my family…
like i said we had a normal life with a normal job working only 8 hours per day and enjoying the Saturday and Sunday all together..
For them our normal life was something like a dream…
please my friends answer to me this question … my brother in law suicide by jumping from 19 floor building he went to the roof and jump, and o course die…. texting me a message that asking from me to take care of his wife and his son (my sister and my nephew) he had a really bad conversation with his wife (my sister) she said that she will divorce him and this was the last time him to be better person to them (to my sister and my nephew) is this the real factor that make him to jump and decide to finish his life at the age of 46 years old…??
what i’m trying to find out is, what is the real factor to make some one jump from 19th floor ???
please help me out with some answers that i can make my self to believe on it…?
After he jump and finish his life my sister talk to me about him and make me believe something else…
She told me that he was never close her and is son he was thinking only about the money and working from earlier in the morning till midnight… they never went for vacation they never went out for dinner or lunch or spending a weekend together…
he was never there for no one of them, he was all way’s at work, and if he had a day of he was nervous and didn’t like to go out or take his son at the school…
he also went with others women’s and she all way’s forgive him, but at last he never bit her or his son he never smoke or drunk or having weed’s or narcotics.. never never never he was very smart guy speaking over 5 languages in clouding Chinese that he learn only with the Chinese tourist….!!! it was very smart guy to do something so stupid just because my sister she will live him forever,
for him she was peace of mind his son was never on his side and he knows all that and never give a shit…
after 2 months living with us he understand who really we are ,( me and my wife) and felt the smell of family and the real love between me and my sister.. that’s way he decide to do this here in Toronto in my home in my house at the end he find the best place in the world and so safe to live them here where they should be to their family (wife’s family)
he die February 07 2019 and asked me to take care his wife and son…
his brother is the biggest police officer at narcotics very strong man very strong position, but he decide to live them to me…
i believe this was the real reason to make him do this terrible act.. and not the fact that my sister asked from him to live her forever… the truth is that they meet each other at very young age and get in love with passion and braking all the rules…
please help me find an answer …!!! I can not believe that some body can make you jump from the rooftop of the 19th floor building…. please you also can answer to my e-mail i would like to hear an answer to make my sister feel what he really has in mind when he did this act… please
please help us i have 2 little girls to explain them why alex their cousin don’t a father and where did he go and how….!!!
thank you very much for reading my pain that i have on my shoulders…..
Oswald julmi April 13, 2019 at 3:55 am
Dear loved one: I have no answers for you; I wish I did. Your brother- in-law was deeply distressed and felt that his death was better than his life. Our son took his life three and a half years ago; there was no obvious sign that he was deeply disturbed. I rest my hope in God’s coming kingdom; the one that we pray for in the Lord’s prayer. This is not to say that we will not struggle with a suicide death and try to make sense of it. Don’t stop doing what you are doing; stay honest in your dealings with everyone and keep loving your family. The God of the Bible will help you thru this if you seek his guidance. Don’t give up on yourself, dear one.
J January 30, 2019 at 7:34 pm
It has been almost 2 years since my younger brother’s suicide. The fog has lifted. The pain isn’t as strong. I will never stop loving him. He has my heart until the end. I realize that he was just human, so I forgive him for whatever he was able to do or not do, during his life. I forgive his sins and omissions, and I forgive mine. I forgive myself for whatever I was able to do or not do during the time we had together. We both did our best for as long as we could, given the circumstances and the information at hand at that time. I know that he would want me to carry on with my own life. I think he would be proud that I will always remember his best qualities, attributes, and achievements. This is my job, as his big sister, and this is what I am going to do. Nobody can take that from me, ever. I will carry his memory in my heart and in my mind for as long as I will be able to, wherever I will go, for the rest of my days. I am hopeful that somewhere, wherever he may be, that he feels my love, in its truest form. The kind that never ends. I know he wishes me love, as well. Until we meet again, when it is my proper time, and not a day before, I wish him love.
I wish all of you love, as well. You are not alone.
Jackie davis January 27, 2019 at 11:40 am
My mother died by suicide February 11,2016.. next month will be 3 years . It never gets easier and we will never know the “Why”? .. With Gods help and my little family and few friends .. I am Moving forward . My family .. siblings .. dad , stepmom have became further away .. we’re never really close before but this tragedy really made us further apart . You never forget the tragedy and how she left us and that whole day she and my sister faught and she and her husband had issues etc.. a lot of things we found out later that she hid from us and never told us . She was in such a dark place and kept it mostly to herself . I have to keep living and keep going because my story is far from over . I have A lot to keep me here .. God is my strength
Justin January 24, 2019 at 9:49 pm
My father killed himself on his birthday March 23, 2016. I was only 23 at the time and as I approach the 3 year anniversary of his death I find the pain harder and harder to deal with. At first it didn’t even seem real, but as time goes on the reality solidifies and haunts me daily. I called him on his birthday that day just to talk to him and tell him happy birthday. What I didn’t know at the time is on that phone call he was walking out to the woods by our house to hang himself. It took 4 days for us to finally find him in the tree. The last thing he ever told me was that he loved me and he missed me. I try to tell myself daily that I shouldn’t feel sorrow for my loss, but appreciate the fact I had a great father for 23 years of my life. The truth is I feel extremely guilty and at fault for inadvertently influencing my fathers demise. I read somewhere that children of parents who commit suicide are 50/50 in following in their footsteps. I fear that statistic will be true for me one day.
Melinda January 23, 2019 at 5:44 pm
I can’t believe so many love once’s are feeling the same pain as me ,my husband hanged him self on the 13/12/2018 it been a really bad year for as I was in hospital three times had a hysterectomy,my son had a burst appendix in hospital 8days he nearly died ,Andy my beautiful husband was attempting many times to take his life ,he was ill with addiction and suffered with mental health he had on going court cases for drink ,drug and driving ,I myself couldn’t cope so I can understand that Andy couldn’t cope with addiction and mental break down we both also lost two good friends to cancer ,I allways been strong for Andy but was tried and lost my strength if I was strong my husband would be here today I miss him so much and i am finding hard to believe he took his life and that I unable to see ,feel and touch him no more why does it hurt so much he had he problems but was the most kind loving person I knew .
Richard Whitfield January 19, 2019 at 12:08 am
My beloved 16 year old grandson took his life on Nov. 15, 2018. I’m still struggling to come to terms with it. Everywhere I look I see all the things around the house that he helped me with. His bicycle is in my shed. My daughter questions whether she is still a mother. I’ve bought picture frames and printed pictures of him. I’ll carry this weight for the rest of my days. He was such a good boy. I loved him more than life itself.
Alfy January 17, 2019 at 9:27 pm
My girlfriend of 11 years killed herself recently and i miss her so much,i just wish we hadn’t argued over petty stuff and it hurts knowing she died alone,if i could have just 10 minutes with her to tell her how much i love her even though i still talk to her as if she were here,everything feels surreal just now and from the moment i open my eyes to the time i finally fall asleep all i can think of is my girlfriend.
Leesa Becker January 22, 2019 at 6:41 am
My husband decided to take his life. He was 49. I am 37. We had been together since April. I feel your pain. We had petty arguments too. and I feel like so much guilt like I could never say or do the right thing. I love him and I think about him from the time I wake up to the time I go to bed as well. I don’t understand and I feel like I need a group that I can just go post about. We had so much planned. He was a great Airman. He just got done taking a course so he could enter into a Masters position. It was literally 2 months to the day from when we got married that this happened.
We went out that night danced sung laughed and played pool.
Then it all turned around when we got home and the alcohol started to get into his blood deeper. The one thing and I talk about it openly because I feel he’d want me too. Is that when he was at his drunkest he still wanted more until he passed out. But when he was sober he didn’t want to drink. He did. But he knew it was something that made him a different person.
This is a hard thing. Especially you knew her 11!years. My husband I new in the physical forms short time. But felt so connected to him from a spiritual place. We had so much in common.
I feel I want to come together with others and so we can share stories. Thanks for this webpage and for you sharing.
He is an amazing father, husband, friend, lover. Omg. I am going to miss his warm arms and how he loved me. He was so passionate. He always had so much energy. He could never sleep much at night. He was the first one to work in the am and the last one to leave.
This disease is hard for the one who carries it.
Alfy January 23, 2019 at 10:51 am
Thank you for your kind words Leesa,sorry for your loss x
Christina February 12, 2019 at 10:31 pm
I’m really sorry Alfy. My boyfriend/fiancé/husband. If that makes sense..Awesome soul … passed by suicide not long ago as well. I’m still learning a lot from this. It makes you reevaluate your understanding of Life. To live as best as I can. Although a few months ago when this happened, I started to become negative. Now, it’s been 5 months and I’m starting to get my positivity back with various drops of grief which I am learning to live with. I really believe life is what you make it.
John Dearing January 11, 2019 at 4:07 am
My daughter Nikki chose to leave this world sometime between January 2nd and January 6th 2019. She chose to hang herself in the basement of an empty house not to far from my home. She had been struggling with addiction and anger issues for several years. I did all I could to help her and gave her the unconditional love growing up as a parent should. Her life was not perfect but it was not unperfect either. In retrospect I beginning to believe that she was suffering from a bi-polar mental health problem. That her addiction just made worse. I saw her last on December 31st 2018 and she seemed to be in a good place. I know now she really wasn’t after all. I’m doing far better than I thought I would be at this stage in the process because it is indeed a process. I’m trying to be here for my family her siblings her mother etc….. They are here for me as well. For her the hard part is over now, for us it is just beginning. You see even though we might feel that it’s tough on a particular day since we received the news, we are left behind to keep on living and loving each other and fighting the darkness in this world with the light of that love. Unfortunately for Nikki she did not love herself enough or half as much as she would try to love others, if that makes any sense? I am far from the wisest person in the world, but I’m wise enough to know that not one of us is garunteed tomorrow. So while you can in fact do it right now if you can. Go and tell those people that you love and appreciate, that you love and appreciate them. Tell that you are sorry if you’ve ever hurt them, or ignored them because you were to busy or distracted with all the petty things that seem to be thrown at us all on daily basis. You may not get the chance to if you wait till tomorrow. In fact tomorrow really never comes. You when go to sleep at night and wake up the next day tomorrow was just a dream after all because it’s now today.
Linda Rice January 13, 2019 at 9:23 am
My son Tony took his life on July 3rd 2018 he was 24 he hung himself in wooded area next to my daughter house he was the baby of the family a amazing young man with a beautiful baby boy Brooklyn he was 16months old he had split with Brooklyn mum the horrific things she said and done killed him because words can kill I’ve lost somone so precious Brooklyn lost his dad sister brother all his family friends devastated wee love miss him so much but I have opened support group in Tony’s name if a can save one person from feeling so alone well Tony never died in vane sorry for everyone’s loss to suicide its such a horrendous grief a rollercoaster that you can’t get off pain guilt feeling of not going on another day nothing will ever feel good again but Tony wouldn’t want this hurt a try my best to go on my mother lost her life to suicide when I was 4 my brother in law lost his life to hanging at 20 you just dont no what someone is feeling inside Tony was a funny happy boy he was no angel but he is now flying high in the Skye God luv him a should have saved him .
Alison March 6, 2019 at 6:47 am
My son took his life by hanging on 16th February this year. He knew Tony, they were at school together. I can’t believe that two young men are now gone from the same area in less than a year. I tried to get help for David but never got any. I devastated
DS January 14, 2019 at 10:47 pm
My father killed himself… 39 years ago. I was 9.
It still haunts me.
Today, my mother who for decades wouldn’t talk about it (even initially telling her 4 kids a lie about how he died) sent us a news article which was a profile on her life. In it she talked openly about my father’s suicide… and I am left confounded, and saddened again.
The death, which for so long could not be discussed, is now featured in the newspaper, from my dear mother… who lied to us initially believing she was “protecting us.”
I am still stuck, saddened anew at the terrible legacy of suicide and its stigma… so many years on.
M.M. January 9, 2019 at 12:16 am
My father killed himself almost a month ago (12/13/18). I’m thankful we have a strong, close family (a family he built with my mother), but the alternating pain, anger, sadness, numbness, disbelief is terrible. I can’t imagine the pain he must have been suffering to choose to end this life which he loved so much. He really did. The comments here have been helpful to read and know that we are not alone in surviving this awful experience. I think it was caused by a sudden change in medication without proper medical supervision or care. We are heartbroken.
Madison Burns January 6, 2019 at 11:54 pm
My friend killed himself on 01/19/18 so nearly a year ago his family never revealed how, all the people in my grade blame themselves because we were supposed to be his friends his school family that he could turn to if he needed help I found out 2 days later… On my 13th birthday and some nights it just hits so hard that he’s gone, then I lost my step dad not even 8 months later some days I don’t even wanna get out of bed because it hurts to much that he’s gone, I don’t talk as much as I used to when’s he’s here I miss him so much
Megan January 8, 2019 at 11:00 pm
I lost my cousin, my best friend, on 12/22/18 from suicide. I’m sorry to hear about your friend and step dad. Something that helps me is looking for signs that he’s still with me. Although he recently just passed I have also lost both of my parents and two of my friends. So grieving is unfortunately something I tend to feel. After I got home from being with my family I went to see my therapist. I’ve seen her twice since I’ve been home. These things won’t fix our grieving but more or less help us in the process. I’m sorry the pain you’re feeling and I hope you find some comfort in speaking with someone. I know you’re trying to figure it out as we both have come to this website. Time heals.
Tina Lennon January 6, 2019 at 10:54 am
My ex-husband, and the father of our 8yo daughter died by suicide on Fri 11/30/18. We were together for 10 years and divorced 2.5 yrs prior to his death. The sheriff knocked on my door at 1130pm that day to notify me and that was how I found out. I have cried every day since his death. Even though we were divorced and often at odds, his death has truly gutted me. The thought that he suffered physically during the act, and that he had been so distraught as to choose this path has wrecked me. Even though in my head that I am not to blame, you instantly have an intense feeling of self-blame and guild. Did I somehow contribute to his state of mind? Was I so busy being mad at him that I didn’t see he needed help? But even his girlfriend that he lived with had no idea. It was a total shock and sursprise to all of us. Delivering the news to my daughter that her father had died was the worst and most painful thing I will ever have to do for my entire life. We are making it through, day by day. Corey’s Celebration of Life is scheduled for next Friday, 6 weeks after his death. I am grateful to be reaching this milestone so we can get past the “funeral” planning and arrangements and start moving on and healing.
Julia G. February 8, 2019 at 1:00 am
My ex-husband took his life late last year as well leaving behind his beautiful children. Since his suicide I haven’t found anyone who I can relate to, this is a level of loneliness that I have nothing to compare to. I will be thinking of you and your daughter.
Bryan Hugh Strickland December 30, 2018 at 9:38 pm
My 23 year old son shot himself 12/22/18. We took him off of life support 12/23/18 as there was no hope. My ex wife and I had agreed that he should be an organ donor and we both signed the paperwork. After he was pronounced brain dead I went home and turned off my cell phone. I woke up to a voicemail from the donor org to find out my ex wife stopped the donation. There was someone in Atlanta on the table waiting on his liver. There was someone going to their hospital to get his kidneys. Someone had been identified for the pancreas. His death was a waste and his body was wasted. I am sick to my stomach about losing him and then not even having the chance to help somebody else. I’ll never understand any of this.
Esmeralda P Garcia December 28, 2018 at 8:50 pm
My 33-yr old son killed himself on November 14, 2018. He had just come back to live with me 3 days after living with his brother for 3 months. He was a handsome, beautiful, caring, loving human being, with a brilliant mind, who was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder at age 17 in his senior year of high school. I knocked on his door to say goodbye as I left to work, he answered OK and said “I love you Mom” and I replied “I love you too” Two hours later, as seen on the Ring video, he walks with a shotgun he bought the day before, to the back of the garage and shot himself in the face. At work, I felt something squeezing my heart. I told my co-workers I felt something wrong, and at 5 pm rushed home and searched until I found him. I can’t unfeel what I felt, I can’t unsee what I saw. The grief is unbearable. Tsunami waves that knock me to the floor crying uncontrollably. Why – why!! I am looking for a”key” as if I find it, I can run to a “door” and open it and he will be there. Truth is that it doesn’t matter if I find “the key”; he will not be behind the door. He is dead – gone from this life and my heart is broken. I go back and forth with the areas of grief. I am especially angry with the psychotic medication TV commercials. My son was on combo of meds that stabilized him for 8 years. This year he switched psychiatrists to one that would let him experiment with the “new bipolar meds” touted on TV”. They market it like a cure to your illness if you can live through the side effects. I am grateful that we had him the time we had him. I am getting grief therapy because I don’t know how I can handle this pain.
Alison December 27, 2018 at 12:00 pm
My father shot himself in the head 30 years ago this year. I was just a little girl. Now I have an 11 week old son. After all these years, my father’s death still affects me. The grownups around me at the time handled it poorly and I believe that has strongly impacted on my journey through the grief. In the past few days i found myself once again going through the small box of things i have left of my dad. I have been through that box so many times, but on this day i went through some of his study notes. The year before he died he was studying nursing. I could not believe it that after 30 yrs i found an assignment he wrote that I’ve never seen before where he detailed his mental health in the years before. ..and stated that he’d attempted to kill himself twice before but that he was on a better path now. That was written one year before his death. Finding it 30 yrs later has opened up old wounds again and i find myself worrying about my son too and he’s only 11 weeks old. Suicide leaves a terrible injury on those left behind. Adults need to help children through suicide properly too. Love to you all who have lost loved ones. It is a ravaging, harrowing death and grief.
Linn December 24, 2018 at 4:12 pm
My darling perfect lovely boyfriend killed him self yesterday morning. The pain is unbearable. We loved each other so much. Soul mates. We shared it with each other about 100 times a day. To know that I’ll never hear those words from him again, never hear his voice, never be able to kiss him again, touch him kills me. There are no words strong enough for this kind of pain. I love you so much H. Why did you leave me alone? We were going to grow old together.
Anonymous January 5, 2019 at 2:40 am
I feel you my brother hung himself on Mother’s Day . Ever since I’ve been in mental therapy and on meds, and I whenever someone makes a joke about suicide or dying It makes my depression kick in and all the memories of the funeral come back. Suicide is a very hard thing to deal with. No one knows it until they experience it.
Cynthia January 6, 2019 at 4:26 pm
I feel your pain… my awesome perfect boyfriend took his own life 4 days ago. the pain is unbearable. the questions that never will have an answer, the plans that just vanished, the hopes, everything. we loved each other so much, we made each other happy, specially after coming from really bad marriages. we found our match. the missing piece he always said… i was his missing piece who fitted perfectly in his life. i was the last one to see him, i was the last one to kiss him, hug him, touch him, talk to him, even cry with him. i received the last message, i was the last to hear his voice and the last person he said i love you. im glad i was not the one who found him, i was the last one to see his beautiful face and thats how i will always remember him. althought i can totally picture in my mind how he was found. i can not believe this is real, i keep telling myself this is a nightmare that i need to wake up from… we had so many plans that are gone… he has 2 daugthers and he 2 my 2 under his wing as his own, why couldn’t he at least think about them and ask for help? he fooled us all, he hid it so well that even seen him almost every day i could not get a hint of what was happening. the night he killed himself he told me how happy he was… he had never been this happy in his life…he had the best kids in the world, his 2 and my 2, he had the best parents, the best siblings and the best girlfriend in the world. even the relationship with his ex was the best it ever was, he said what else could i ask for. how could i know i was never see him again? that his last message of that night? was indeed a last message… im so lost, so broken and i cant even start to pick up the pieces… idk how to hold myself back together…
Daniel Hughes January 8, 2019 at 8:44 pm
Our grief is almost identical.
My girlfriend took her life 12/30/18. We were the happiest we have been in our lives. Telling each other that every day. Recently had been talking about marriage, figuring out moving in together one day and combining our lives together. She seemed so happy and told nearly everyone she new how happy I made her. That she finally found a real man. We both had unhealthy previous marriages. Hers were abusive and left her with major depression and anxiety. She also suffered from sexual abuse. She was unable to have children. My ex and I are on good terms. I have two children which she loved and they loved her. My daughter and her were best friends.
It was a Saturday that she took her life and we spent one of the most beautiful day together making each other happy.
The next day she’s gone. I’m the one who found her…..
I’m in hell! No note, no reason therefore no answers.
I’m so worried for my own life. I can’t think straight. She was my life!!! My future!!! Her memorial in this Saturday and I fear I may not make it.
I’m really sorry to here about your loss. This is really hard. Sounds like both of us had our sole mates and now they are gone with no answers.
If I can help you cope in anyway please reach out. I’m looking for help too.
Ann December 22, 2018 at 1:47 pm
I just lost my son to apparent suicide, although he is listed in the archives as missing. On the 13th of this month(December), he sent me a text saying “I hype to have a good day. I love you (: ” I didn’t think mush of it at the time because we texted each other all the time. Thing is, I didn’t see his text until 30 minutes later. He also sent texts to other people, I found out during the later part of the day. My son was supposed to be at work at noon lost Thursday, but instead drove to the 2nd Street bridge in Louisville, Ky(where we live). Witnesses say that he drove half why across the bridge, stopped his car, got out and went over to the rail. One witness says he was on the other side of the rail when he saw him with his back to the water. They’ve been searching the Ohio River beneath the bridge where they think he may be every day, unless it rains, I believe, but haven’t found him. I was praying for a miracle but its been 8 days. I’m not ready to accept that my sweet, respectful, loving, intelligent son would go and do something like this. He didn’t show any signs prior nor did we see any. He talked to us every single day even when he was annoyed by his job. I hate that I don’t get to understand or know why he did what he did and I even have my moments when I’m angry with him for not talking to me about the one thing I needed to know after he talked to me about everything else. In so much pain right now.
Jamey December 23, 2018 at 10:56 pm
I’m so very sorry for what your going through. It’s never easy and it changes not only your life, but soul forever. Sometimes we will never know and will only hold ourselves down in grief if we live by the “what ifs”
You should look into grief counseling. It will help you connect with your emotions, feelings etc…sometimes they even have group sessions where others can speak and talk and you build a support system just to ease the pain and burden.
Sending you love and hugs right now.
Jamey December 24, 2018 at 12:43 am
I just looked on Google, and they have no record of anyone jumping or thought to have jumped from there for quite a few months. It’s been down to one lane for construction, and painting……maybe you could look into the people saying they seen him on the bridge? If his car was left on the bridge and he walked/ran and jumped, the cops would have found his vehicle, and there are no presumed jumpers right now either…..
Bev mcclure March 16, 2019 at 5:38 pm
My son my love took his life a week ago and I can’t find a lot on no reason why we didn’t have any clues he had no mental illness he showed no signs so I understand what you’re saying there isn’t a lot about that on the web I feel your pain
mary barre December 20, 2018 at 1:06 pm
In my opinion, suicide is not “the easy way out.” If any of us who are so blessed and fortunate to have not walked a mile in the shoes of someone suffering from bipolar, depression, schizophrenia, etc etc. and had to actually walk a mile in their shoes, much less day in and day out……often suffering silently with overwhelming sadness, multiple years of medication changes, etc etc…….then we would quite possibly be amazed at how they held on for as long as they did. Easy way out? not at all.
Gaby February 1, 2019 at 5:56 pm
Thank you! My dearest darling friend just died yesterday and she lived like this for over a decade. The most kind, generous, vivacious soul, now gone. We did our best to be there for her through thick and thin but the mental anguish was too much for her. She is now finally peaceful. Still numb and in shock but completely empathy for her choice. Love you my darling girl. My big sister. LIVE in peace.
N December 20, 2018 at 4:37 am
I’m sorry. I vented here about my anger and hurt over my father’s suicide. Reading through these posts, I can only feel sympathy for those who have lost children to suicide, and shame for wallowing over my father’s suicide. For those who have lost children, please find your way to a support group like Compassionate Friends. May God carry you all the days between now and when you’re finally reunited. May you enjoy days between now and then where the sun shines warmly on your face, and where your pain may give way to memories of sweeter days. May your value to all those here on earth anchor you here until the day when, in God’s timing, He calls you home and wipes away your tears. I’m sorry for your loss.
N December 19, 2018 at 10:04 pm
My father jumped to his death in front of horrified onlookers nearly 20 years ago. It shattered our family…or maybe just ended the illusion of being a family. I’m still angry. The timing of his suicide was particularly cruel.
As a side effect, I view other tragedies through the filter of trauma. When I gave birth to a stillborn baby, I knew it was at least a comparatively normal death that many other women have endured. When a family member died prematurely of disease, it was at least a natural death.
I have been forced to reevaluate my relationship with my father, my mother, my siblings, and extended childhood family. It’s left me feeling cold about the past. I pour my energies into my marriage and my children now, and have mostly made peace with the fact that I will remain at least partly damaged for the rest of my life.
Stef December 13, 2018 at 2:57 am
My boyfriend of 14 years and father of our 4 boys (all under the age of 8) attempted suicide on October 27th, 2018. He attempted to hang himself in our garage when I found him. I called 911 and the EMTs were able to resuscitate him. Unfortunately I did not find him in time and he suffered severe brain damage. He passed away November 23rd, 2018, a week after he had been disconnected. I lived with him for 6 years and still cannot fathom why he did this. I loved him dearly. My only conclusion was that he was no longer himself when he did this. As I am finding out now that he was deep into meth addiction. I just feel like I’ll never get over this or him. My heart is in a million pieces.
jamie satori December 10, 2018 at 8:08 pm
My mom killed herself less than a week ago. She shot herself while my 9 year old was there. My dad and brother found her dead. I am still in shock. we buried her today. tomorrow my daughter who she loved turns two. this post has helped me.
Amy Briggs December 19, 2018 at 6:42 am
My mom shot herself in the head 11/28/18. I found her the next morning on my way to work. I am just stating to read about suicide. Peace to you and your family.
Carrie December 7, 2018 at 7:00 pm
It’s Dec 7th 2018. My brother took the easy way out a few months ago. Today I’ve cried since I awoke at 4:30 and all day long. The loss is so great it hurts so bad. A year ago I was telling him I love you and talking about all the good memories I had of him growing up. I loved him so much. He may be at peace but today I have none. I just want to hear his voice again, tell him I love him again, give him a hug. Holidays and such have no meaning this year. I can only hope more time will heal my heart and pain…I just pray he’s resting in peace
Liz December 10, 2018 at 6:03 am
My brother also killed himself earlier this year and it’s the first Christmas without him here……I have been dreaming more about him lately and it is so sad. Nothing seems to take the pain away, I can just ignore it for a while….I seem like “I’m doing well” butbhow can we??? I just want to hug him too….sometimes it hard to swallow that I won’t see him ever again and it hurts…..hugs to you and your family this holiday season
Mom of Tom December 14, 2018 at 12:24 pm
To Liz (from post of 10 December 2018), you will see your brother again, of this I am sure. It may take a very long time, or a short time, we have no way of knowing when it will be our turn to cross over. Meanwhile, his Spirit/Soul is with you everyday, here on Earth. I know this is of little comfort right now–personally, I know this to be so, because I cry incessantly for him everyday. I think of him all day long, but it gives me hope to get through the day to know that one day I will see his happy smiling face again.
The life here on Earth is a mere blip compared to the Eternal Life that begins after our Spirit/Soul has left its corporeal body, which is no longer needed where our dear son/brother is now, free of pain, together with all those who have gone before him, including his wife, who is also free of all her mental torment. He is free of all the mental anguish that plagued him here on this Planet. I prayed to the Divine Creator to bless all the house, and to sanctify the room where they died. He is happy forever, in pure bliss and oneness with the Universe, and he is watching down on all of us. He is with you everywhere you are, Liz, and everywhere you go.
He comes to me in vivid dreams as well. In one dream he promised never to leave me again. In another dream, I saw him smiling at me, wearing one of his big white t-shirts with a hole in the front, with his hair all messed up, like he just woke up. He was sitting on an open deck in a lawn chair, beside a small vacation camper, with a large forest in the background, and a lake in front. He was beautiful. Maybe that’s where he was, and he wanted me to know he was happy.
It is hard to imagine Christmas this year, knowing he is gone. Papi and I are spending the Holiday Season in Quebec, to try to escape from the pain for a little while. I don’t know if it will work, but it’s all I can think of to do. A book that has brought me some relief is Life After Life, by Raymond Moody. He has several books. I am trying, slowly, to read them all. Hugs to you this Holiday Season. Love, Mom of Tom
Tonya December 7, 2018 at 3:35 pm
My son harmed himself on Nov 17th, I came home from spending the night at my boyfriend house. I got home on Saturday morning about 8ish and my neighbor was coming down the stairs as I was walking up and he said to me, your dog has been running around all night. I said okay, I am gonna whip my sons butt…I went inside and there was an odor, but thought maybe it’s the trash. I walked straight into my son’s room to see if he was awake and he looked like he was asleep, I went over to him because he wasn’t covered up like he normally does. I started to shake him to wake up and he was so cold, I saw something on his mouth and I went to grab his head and I screamed wake up wake up and I moved my hand and there was his blood all over it. My neighbor grabbed me and pulled me off of him and even at that point I didn’t really know what was happening. He was 20 years old and he was so smart and funny and was always helping me and his brother. He is so dearly missed. We cry everyday ☹️
Phil December 4, 2018 at 10:31 pm
My bright, happy 21 year old son killed himself with a hand gun 11 years ago. He had one year of college left.
I had talked to him the night before. I detected no problems whatsoever. He used two handguns at the same time so I know it wasn’ an accident. I was crazy for a year. This past March I woke up at 5 in the morning to find my wonderful wife of forty years dead in bed next to me. I understand why people kill themselves. When depression turns to despair suicide seems like logical choice. Unending pain that few can understand.
Ilene January 29, 2019 at 12:05 am
I cannot imagine your pain with the loss of your son to suicide and your wife. My brother took his life with a gun. I am sure he was not thinking how it would affect our lives and our hearts. As I go through a grief share program at church- I realize that no one is immune to the pain of any one’s death but especially by suicide as it seems like they chose to leave us. There is a common theme. I did not know why, this hurts so bad or if only. Please everyone that has been affected b suicide please seek help. You are not alone and by sharing my grief it seems to be helping me. I have good days and bad days. I know I will never be the same person again. I need to embrace my life and heal. Please talk to someone- reach out. My dad always says “if you are going through hell- keep going until you get through it”. He lost his son and I my brother- Our worlds are different and there is hope in prayer and in tomorrow.
Nicky November 30, 2018 at 5:02 pm
My dad shot himself 10 years ago. I was 21 at the time and I was the one who found him. My mom and my brother both lived across the country from us. That day is both very fuzzy but yet very fresh in my brain. I remember all my friends in the years to follow always saying you are so strong. I didn’t feel strong but what other choice did I have? I couldn’t bring him back and as they say life goes on. I have definitely barried a lot of my emotions regarding this event because sometimes it just seems easier that way even though I know it may not be healthy.
Marcus figueiredo November 28, 2018 at 12:39 pm
I had a brother who hung herself few years ago. My father was an alcoholic and beat him and my mom when we were young. My brother also became an alcoholic and, after years of sorrow and soffering, took his life out. This event left scars on family and my father was consumed by grief, being murdered years later in a fight when drunk. Today, Im about to finish a graphic novel about suicide, intending to sensitize people about the topic.
Jan Sabo November 28, 2018 at 11:00 am
I am struck by the number of postings here. So many are impacted by suicide of a loved one. My daughter took her life with a gun a little over 3 years ago. Sometimes I think I am moving forward a little and then I slip back. I feel so many emotions, sadness, guilt, confusion but oddly no anger. I miss her so and it is hard knowing she is gone forever.
Regina November 26, 2018 at 8:04 am
My sister fell or jumped off a very tall bridge outside of the friends house i was staying at 4 years ago. I witnessed the scene. She had been agoraphobic for a year. My parents are divorced . My dads bipolar with manic rage. My mom is a depressed alcoholic. Neither of them have jobs. My parents caused me n my sisters a lot of pain and misguidance. My sister who killed herself was neglected. Nobody had the time or patience. Now I cant deal with the pain and the thoughts of her suicide. I don’t want to be here thinking about it. I feel like i cant love anymore. I have so much pain. My support network has diminished since her death. I go to therapy. But I still feel like nobody understands the pain. I feel lonely and unloved. My parents care so much on her death they have forgotten to care about the rest of their children . My whole family is split up and now my sister is gone. I don’t know how to feel anymore.
Liv December 6, 2020 at 3:47 am
Your story sounds similar to mine.. except it was my brother who took his own life 10yrs ago now. Childhood neglect causes lifelong repercussions. And unless you are lucky enough to have a strong support network behind you, people who can influence you in a positive and compassionate way, then your life will never feel right. Always hold onto hope but reality is showing me that I’ll never be ok. I hope you find your way through this world and find contentment.
Fred November 19, 2018 at 2:59 am
He was my supervisor for only about three months before I got out of the military… so I don’t know why it hurts this much. I can’t stop thinking about it. Seeing all the people that loved him and reading about the things he did for people. I don’t get it. I just want to know why. Why would he kill himself? I remember that before he became our flight chief, moral was so low. We HATED coming to work. When he came, that all changed. He made work fun and motivated us. He helped so many people in need. He saved a marriage. He took care of his troops. I almost, almost wanted to stay in. He was one of the good ones. I had been out for quite a few months when he killed himself, but I just can’t stop thinking about it, I barely knew him… I keep wishing I could go back in time and save him. Tell him that it will get better, whatever problems you are having we can handle together. Please. I just don’t get it and I want to stop thinking about it. But I can’t. I want someone to tell me that he’s not dead, that it was a mistake. It shouldn’t hurt this bad, I barely knew him. I don’t even think we ever had a personal conversation before. Maybe just a couple words here and there. I wish that people weren’t so afraid to get help. I wish they knew that it didn’t make them any less “manly.” I wish they knew how many people they would hurt from this. It’s hurting me and I barely knew him. I can’t imagine how anyone actually close to him feels right now. My heart goes out to them. Then there is a small part of me that is so mad at him, for hurting so many people. Suicide is selfish. It feels good to get this all out, even if no one will read it.
Jamey December 23, 2018 at 11:12 pm
Hugs to you…its only natural to wonder and think about “what if” and “if I only” maybe you could get together with others he touched and do something in his name to carry on helping others?! Turn it into something positive, and a way to help yourself and others heal, and share the good times, memories etc with each other. Like an annual walk, motorcycle ride, bike ride, charity event and donate money to a cause in his name or set up a foundation etc to keep his legacy helping others.
Jim in VA March 24, 2019 at 8:22 am
THIS is the one that resonates with what I am going through right now!
I have lost a friend, although a new friend that I really didn’t know that well yet, to suicide. He was a gregarious guy, someone that no one could ever say a bad word about, but there was this underlying angst that was there…even so; no one ever thought that it would come to him taking his own life. In fact, I had not talked to “TJ” since October of 2018, when we had discussed getting together for a beer and then the holidays came, etc. Next thing I knew it was early March and I’m thinking “I haven’t heard from him in a while, I ought to give him a call.” The next thing I know, like literally a few days later, a friend in common texts me that “TJ” is dead! Not even 50 years old! She didn’t know how he died, though. I was unable to go to the viewing, as by the time I found out about it, I had already made plans to visit family out of state and could not change them. However, just a few days ago, my friend texts me again to say that she did go to the viewing and met TJ’s parents and they told her that he had hung himself. I am, we all are, stunned. The people that I know that knew him only knew him a little better then I did, as we all belonged to a MeetUp group. TJ had been the organizer for the group for two years and everyone just thought the world of him. Just as you did with your supervisor.
Outside of the group, TJ and I had beers about a half a dozen times and so did some of the others in the group get together with him on their own. He was from this area and had close friends he had grown up with and family, but I don’t know any of them.
Anyway, the point is; even though I didn’t know TJ very well, I am stunned and really pretty devastated at his killing himself. I lost my mom in 2014 after taking care of her for the last two years of her life, but she was 85 and had been very ill, so as devastating as that was, there is no “why?” kind of thing. I miss her terribly all the time (and this TJ’s death is dredging up all kinds of stuff, which doesn’t surprise me, either), but for someone I know, this guy that used to laugh at my stupid jokes and make us interested in what some folks might think is a boring subject (history)go through the trouble to HANG HIMSELF?? WTH??? I’m reading all of these sad, horrible posts about people finding their parents, or siblings or SOs to suicide and it is absolutely heart rending, every post. So, I can not even begin to imagine what you all are going through, if I feel as badly as I feel at losing a new friend I hardly knew. Especially you folks that are the ones that found your loved ones. That is beyond comprehension to me.
My heart goes out to each and every one of you and as others have suggested here: seek help. I went to bereavement therapy after my mom passed away and it was VERY helpful and it was free, too. Medicare will pay for bereavement therapy for 13 months after your loved one dies, but you have to look around for it, you can find help. In my case I had both one-on-one therapy and group, both were very helpful and every town has bereavement specialists if you look (including clergy). Don’t go through this alone.
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Sammy J Behrens November 12, 2018 at 3:02 am
My mom ended her life on 05/20/2018 I found her she still had a pulse I was on the phone screaming at 911 to get here fast I heard my mom take her last breath knowing there was nothing I could do to save her because she shot herself in the head behind her right ear and she was taking a blood thinner, the Sheriff finally showed up like 30 minutes later and then the ambulance I was standing outside bawling trying to understand why the officer came outside to me and told me he was sorry for my loss I just hit the ground screaming no and crying my eyes out. She has been gone almost 6 months I cry everyday, I blame myself, I ask why, I relive that night everyday, all my mom and I had were each other, I just can’t wrap my head around this, I am so lonely, l am so lost.
Shan b November 10, 2018 at 8:40 pm
My brother shot himself Tuesday and left behind a wife, 2 young children and the rest of us lost. He left a note saying the horrors of his job as a fire fighter haunted him and he couldn’t deal. PTSD caused him to pull the trigger. My mother suffered a major heart attack after the news from the shock.
I am writing this in hopes that someone thinking about suicide will read this. Please get help!!!!!! It has destroyed our entire family. We are grappling with grief that has been paralyzing beyond comprehension. And we will never ever not feel the pain of this on some level. We all loved him deeply. If my brother could see even 15 minutes past his death before he did it, he may never have pulled the trigger. The aftermath never goes away. Please get help. There is no excuse not to in this day. Do not put your family through this. Please.
Nichole October 6, 2018 at 9:57 am
My mom committed suicide. Completely didn’t expect it she was always so against it my whole life. 3 years prior we lost my father due to medical issues she ran away with him when she was 18 and started a family here in Florida. I knew the death of my father was hard on her she went thru a bad depression then she completely changed she never got drunk before but now she was drinking and smoking marijuana. I was upset at her but never expressed it. Here I am 24 years old I don’t understand any of it. I was at her boyfriends house the night before it all happened she didn’t seem upset or off. The next night as I headed home from work me and 5 others received a random text …. mom: I love you …….. that was it no letter no nothing no warnings. I knew something was off I called multiple times and headed to where she was…. when I pulled in the ambulance was wheeling her in. They wouldn’t tell us what was wrong the feeling I had inside was soo mixed all I seen was her jeans and feet and her wearing a oxygen mask. I was shaking all over couldn’t breath I was angry and so upset all at once and I didn’t even know what happened. Me and my sister raced to the hospital when we got there we found out she shot herself in the head thru her mouth. She had me and my other 3 sisters!! Why didn’t she ask for help!! The nightmares went on for months I experienced so much depression every time I would try to sleep my eyes would move rapidly so much that it hurt. I just wanted to rip them out of my head. I had my husband and my 3 year old daughter depending on me and here I was looking a mess acting a mess but couldn’t contain it. It’s now been 2 years I still break down on occasions I miss her so much and I have ptsd I can’t drive at night behind a ambulance I get flash backs and when the time gets closer to that night she killed herself oct 24th they get worse. I don’t think it will ever get easier in a few days is my 26th birthday I’m still a baby I don’t have a father or mother in my life anymore. It kills me! But I have to stay strong for my baby girl and husband! Fall has always been my favorite time of year I’ve always loved Halloween the most but I feel like it’s been taken from me. I feel sad for her still to this day. I wish I could of helped or got to her in time but I’m still also angry. Me and my sisters never talk I feel like all I have are my husband and daughter to keep me sain. I’ve always wanted that big family that you see on tv with the happy grandparents in there grandkids lives and all the sisters and kids getting along. But I will NEVER have that unless I create it myself starting with me.
Kelly Sorah September 11, 2018 at 4:13 am
My mom died today by suicide and I am struggling to process these waves of emotions; sadness, anger, blame, guilt….and so many more. My brother overdosed two months ago and my mom took it really hard. She was an alcoholic and had a long history of childhood pain she never dealt with. She sent years self medicating to numb her pain. I know I have a long road ahead to recovery I just wish I could have helped her and been there for here. I pushed her away to protect myself and the guilt is overwhelming. She had attempted suicide two other times in her life that I know of. She planned to sell her things and move to Texas to be with her sister and I was very encouraging I just wanted her to get into therapy and heal herself. I went to her house earlier after I found out she killed herself my my uncle found her in her car running in the garage. The police are investigating to find out if it was in fact a suicide or if there was fowplay. She left suicide notes we can’t have them until after the investigation. I am in shock and just pray that God will look over me and send me strength in the long road of recovery ahead. I pray for anyone and everyone that has been affected by suicide there are so many unanswered questions. I know she was suffering and try to find peace knowing she is no longer in pain and is with my brother again. Thank you for listening I just can’t sleep or function and just needed to share.
Eulalia DePrins August 19, 2018 at 10:45 am
My boyfriend of nine years died by suicide only 7 weeks ago. We were happy. Did everything together. His precious puppy son of 17 years had been put down one month to the date that he killed himself. My boyfriend was a jolly kind and compassionate person. As to the “WhY” only he knows. It hurts that we talked about getting old together and even made jokes about it. Now that will never happen. I know he suffered some mental issues from If someone here is thinking about this. Please Please Please get help. Think of the pain you will cause your love ones.
Michele August 14, 2018 at 1:45 pm
My sister in law ended her life on 8/6/2018. We just buried her this past Friday. Her daughter, my godchild and niece, died three months ago from cancer. She was just 33 years old. Erin could not live without her daughter. She had always suffered from depression and abused alcohol and medications. She had many daemons she battled for as long as I knew her. She was clear that she didn’t want to live anymore since before my niece died. I saw her last month, as I live in a different state, and she was giving away her possessions and telling us she was talking to people who’d already died. I took my brother, her husband, to a Crisis Center at a nearby hospital. They sent someone to the house to speak with her and to assess whether they could 302 her. They concluded they didn’t have enough to have her locked up. Three days before she died, it would have been my niece’s 34th birthday. I considered flying in to spend the weekend with her, and I didn’t. I’m having a hard time processing my niece’s death, but I knew it was a bad “trigger” time for Erin. Before my niece died, I promised her I would take care of her mom and dad, which was very important to her. I know I couldn’t be there all of the time, and I know Erin would have eventually done herself in — she genuinely didn’t want help or want to get better. I prayed to God for a sign that I should go, which I never received. I honestly didn’t know what was the kinder thing to do — help her to want to live, or be complicit in what I suspected her actions would be. I know my brother has similar feelings of guilt, and he will probably never get over those feelings. He lost his family in the span of 3 months after a very grueling year of watching his daughter die horribly from cancer. I don’t even know what it is I feel — really, the absence of anything. How do you move forward?
Kelly August 2, 2018 at 7:04 pm
It has been about 1.5 years since my brother’s suicide–his last and final mistake, one of many. His final and conclusive solution to all of his life’s problems. Although I am still in disbelief during some moments, as I think of his laugh and his smile and his permanent absence from our lives due to an impetuous, desperate choice he made that night, I am beginning to have better moments during the day. I am remembering him with sadness but with less of a stab in the heart as before. I have let everyone who loved him know how he died, so that they can also recognize the tragedy for what it is, and remember and pray for his soul, accordingly. I forgive him and hope that he is or will soon be, free of his suffering. No more suffering. My own life gets shorter each day, and I recognize this. I spend quality time with my children, knowing that one day they will be remembering me. I do things that I know my brother would enjoy doing, para-sailing, for example. I am sad knowing that he misses the new songs and movies of our current time, but there is nothing I can to about that, other than to enjoy these worldly things for him. I believe that deep in his heart he knew that he was loved, and whether he knows it or not, he will continue to be loved until my last breath. Take assurance that your pain will ease and it will become a bit easier with time. Focus on the happier moments and try to live your life to its fullest even with your broken hearts. Live, love, and laugh. May God bless each and every one of you ,as well as your lost loved ones. Please know that you are not alone.
Kathryn July 18, 2018 at 2:02 pm
My little sister of 22 (2 years younger then myself) shot herself about 2 months ago. dealing with things has been difficult. She left behind her 2 year old son whom my husband and myself have taken in.
Cassie had been suffering for a long time with depression and I knew that. she lived with my dad and I was constantly coming down to the house to help her clean and care for her son because she couldn’t find the energy within her to do so herself. I did what I could to care for my nephew without upsetting Cassie. We’d had many arguments about what was acceptable and unacceptable. like leaving him in the living room by himself for hours while she played video games or slept. I convinced her to go to therapy and that seemed to help for awhile… but idk what happened but she knew I was coming down to the house, that I was at our grandfathers helping him around the house and that I would be down before I left (we live out in the middle of know where with lots of farm area but on the same street) I was literally less then 2 minutes away. when I got to the top of the hill I could see all the cop cars in the driveway and didn’t know what to think at that point but they pretty immediately showed me my nephew and that he was fine. my heart was jackrabbiting as I tried to be calm and cuddle him a bit. A EMT approached and I asked about my sister…. and I’ll never forget those eyes staring back at me and informing me she’d shot herself in the head and was dead. after that an officer pulled me to the side and asked a bunch of questions. Apparently she had called them before shed done anything and asked how long it would take them to get there of course they didn’t answer that and she told them to hurry cause she had a toddler in the house and that her sister was on her way down and she didn’t want me to find her. I had to tell my dad that his baby girl was gone. he’s a over the road truck driver so I couldn’t just wait for him to come home. when I told him it was like listing to someone ripping his heart out. Then I had to tell my mother….
I know Cassie was sick. that it was part of a condition I’m unable to fully grasp. That this was her decision and nobody’s fault. That she was hurting and saw this as solution and I try to keep that in mind but between the sadness I find I have a well of anger at her. For the people she hurt, for the hurt she’s dealt me with her actions, for the son she left behind who one day I’ll have to explain what happened to mommy. For the constant worry for my parents (who divorced around 3 years ago and still haven’t recovered) For having to scrub her blood off the back of the bathroom door for the look on my dads face as he stares blankly down at his hands, for the nights I’ve held my mother has she cries. I know its not fair, that Cassie was sick but I hate we did so much, tried so hard loved her so much and it didn’t matter in the end.
Sky July 17, 2018 at 12:04 pm
My dad killed himself exactly a month ago on Father’s Day. It was something none of us expected and were in complete and utter shock. I had found him. It was around 8:30AM that morning and I was looking all over for him to give him his Father’s Day card; it was a popup beach card that I knew he would have loved. On the back I had written how I knew he was going through a hard time right now, but that I believe he can make it through. I had said that even though me and him fought a lot, I still loved him unconditionally and that we will eventually come to see eye to eye. I had turned the corner in the backyard to find him on his knees, slightly suspended from the gate. I just remember screaming. My mom heard me and shouted, asking me what was wrong and I just couldnt speak. I eventually was able to say “He’s dead,” and everyone around me just stared. “Who’s dead??” my Mom screamed. I told her it was Dad, and that was when my little sister walked in. “Daddy’s dead?” she asked with panic in her voice and tears beginning to form in her eyes. I am 16, my brother is 14, and my sister is 9. My Mom had been with my Dad for 32 years, and built her entire life around him. A month later we are still in shock. He was the sole provider and we are going to have to move and start over somewhere new, to get away from the horrible memory of that day at this house.
It was horrible; something I’d never wish on my worst enemy. We miss my dad every day. But some days we’re angry, some we’re confused, and some we spend the whole day crying and asking why. I just hope that wherever he is, he is happy now, free from his sadness and anxiety. I love you, dad.
Susana November 7, 2018 at 3:56 am
I can completely relate to your pain. My husband of 26 years also died on Father’s Day or that is when I found him. He left two beautiful girls who currently are trying to find their place in life wondering why their father could have left them. Thank you for sharing your story. Although I sometimes feel that we are alone, I realize that others have walked the same path. Thank you
RBS January 18, 2019 at 4:57 pm
I was so moved by your story– and am so very sorry for your incredible loss/trauma. I lost my younger sister to suicide by hanging in June 2018 in NYC. She was 55. I knew she was struggling and in great emotional pain. I think many of her family and friends knew, as well. But in her field and with her level of success, I feel she was surrounded by too many “yes people”– people whom she could easily fool into believing she was ok, and many who were just simply too afraid to speak up, or over-step their boundaries. She laughed a lot (was a darling little person) but cried secretly and often. She could easily brush off her tears and get back in the game. She’d built an enormous empire– all on her own. Everyone likely believed she was invincible because of this, as she appeared to be a very strong and determined woman. Nothing could have been further from the actual truth. She had much unaddressed PTSD from our childhood. I know many were shocked at her sudden and untimely death by suicide. I was not. I knew her well– and knew all we’d endured throughout our childhood (all the family secrets). I’d voiced my concerns to her and to her husband numerous times. I’d urged her (and him) to seek inpatient hospitalization, several times. What very few know is that our mother died by suicide, too– and had had numerous failed attempts at suicide, as well. Many studies show that there is an increased risk for suicide when one’s parent (or a family member) has either died by or attempted suicide. Please never ever be afraid to get the help you need– the help and support you deserve as a human being! Be the change you would have liked for your father. You will likely need support for all of your life– please take it. Do NOT be ashamed to have that need or to advocate for yourself. SEEK out ongoing support/medical treatment. The stigma and ignorance surrounding mental illness must be removed! I know in my heart that my sister would still be here today to raise her beautiful young daughter and live a full life had she not been filled with ridiculous shame– and led to believe the ignorant stigmatization surrounding mental illness. There is no shame, whatsoever, in caring for yourself. PTSD is real, and something that needs to be seriously addressed, well before it spirals… and possibly turns deadly, as it did with my little sister.
CRA November 19, 2019 at 8:24 pm
Sorry to hear about Kate.
She and all the others in the comments are in a better place.
I hope to join them soon.
Melissa November 20, 2019 at 4:53 pm
I read your comment about hoping to join them soon.
Please don’t. Please seek help. You are loved.
Last October 2018, I tried to jump off the Mount Hope Bridge in RI. I called my coworker and asked her to cover my shift at work for me that day. She called the cops who pulled me off of the railing of the bridge right before I was about to jump. I had been in so much emotional pain. I suffer from PTSD, I was having a hard time working because of it. I felt like a failure and thought everyone would be better off without me.
What I’ve learned in the past year is that ever though life is extremely painful, it is worth living. Please seek help. I promise it gets better.
Natalia July 13, 2018 at 2:36 pm
My big sister of 29 yo decided to transform herself into an invisible angel 14 years ago.
I’m now 33 but I know for sure that I will always be her little sister.
We planned to live together as I was finishing high school that year and she was so excited about me, starting the University and finally living the joyful life we deserved, far away from our narcissistic toxic and violent mother.
I could have given my life for hers but, as a big sister, she took that idea.
I feel guilty of being alive. I feel guilty of crying about the fact that in the past 14 years I needed her hugs, her wisdom, her light. She used to say that we were born as warriors and warriors don’t complain about being warriors and their purpose is to keep fighting. There are days like today that I feel I’ve lost my weapons. She didn’t have kids and I feel so scared about me becoming a mother one day. I know that she was hugging my hearth with pride when I graduated. I know she was hugging my heart when I dove with manta rays down in the deep blue.I know she was hugging my heart when I met my boyfriend who happens to live in the same street where she was living. I know she will continue to hug my heart every single day of my life.
14 years have passed by and the will of saying how much I love her and miss her is still rooted in my heart.
I’ll be forever grateful that I had the most loving and brave big sister for at least 19 years in her human shape. I know she will always be the bigger and will continue to hug me.
It’s just so sad and infuriating that there is no Survival loss support group in my entire country, Switzerland ( which has one of the highest rates of suicide in the world). I wish I could hug tightly each one of you: I feel your pain which is mine as well and I hope you will find the strength to honour their life with putting extra light in yours. We are warriors.
Gail Julmi April 13, 2019 at 6:04 am
I should be surprised ( but I’m not) that Switzerland does not have a grief support group. I am married to an old school Swiss and from what I’ve seen, they don’t believe in mental illness. It’s not something in their vocabulary. My husband has has to learn the hard way thru our son’s suicide. The older Swiss are a very proud people who, I believe, live all lot in denial.
F.K July 12, 2018 at 10:50 am
My beautiful,smart 17 year old granddaughter took her life on July 15,2017 . She had been effected by anxiety and depression for three years,she had begun cutting herself then took one of her mothers pills thinking it would kill her she was 13 at that time she was sent to a mental help institution for two weeks ,started therapy and medication. Her next attempt was slitting her wrists in the bathtub her mother and father found her,she back to the same institution for a few weeks more therapy and a change in medication. While this was going on she was going to school ,playing sports and cheerleading, she was missing a lot of school but because she was smart was able to catch up , when in school spent so much time in the nurses office having anxiety attacks daily. She also displayed manic behaviors , silly happy, shopping binges , and rages. We rallied around her and prayed that she would outgrow this and that it was part of the normal teenage angst. Before she turned fourteen she was a happy baby and a delightful child. Before she took her life she told her mother she didn’t feel the medication was working and the visits to the institution were a waste of time. She ended her life a few weeks later. Even though it’s been just short of a year I am broken , i have good days but many dark days. I just can’t come to terms with the tragic loss of my beautiful granddaughter who had so much ahead of her, I grieve for all the tomorrows that will never be. I wish that they had sought a higher level of help for her, more intense psychiatric intervention, how do I come to terms with this?
Michelle May 18, 2018 at 9:38 pm
My husband chose to end his life three and a half years ago. I remember the day specifically because it was also the day that I told him that I had filed for divorce and he needed to pick up the paperwork from my attorney’s office. He texted both of our children individually that he loved them and then he hung himself. I found him the next day. I will forever live with the guilt that me being unable to be his wife and his soul support emotionally physically and psychologically meant that he could no longer draw breath. He chose to do this a week and a half to two weeks before both of our children’s birthdays. They were 14 & 12. And their father chose to opt out. About a year later and a whole lot of other issues (oldest came out as transgender amongst them) I had an epiphany: what good does it due to be angry with a dead man.? I’m no longer angry with him for leaving ME but I hurt for THEM. No one to teach them how to tie a tie, how to shave. How to ask a girl out. How to be a man.
And then there’s the loneliness. I don’t think anyone can understand the loneliness. No one to talk to, to tell about your day, to talk about your children’s successes, strives, their challenges. There’s no one there. Friends try to fill the Gap but they have no comprehension. I would never wish this on anyone, but sometimes I wish my friends/family could understand that divorced it’s not the same. How do we reconcile that we weren’t worth living for?
Michelle May 18, 2018 at 9:38 pm