Grieving a Suicide Death

According to Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in 2013 there were 41,149 suicides in the United States.  This rate is equal to 113 suicides each day or one every 13 minutes.  Surveys have shown that 40% of adults know at least one person who has died by suicide and upwards of 20% of adults report their lives have been significantly impacted by suicide.

I’m sorry we didn’t write this post sooner.

I have a lot I want to cover, so I won’t waste time on introductions.  I do realize, though, that some of you won’t read this post all the way through.  For those of you who know yourselves well enough to know you won’t finish, I want to let you know that I will link to additional resources at the end of this post.  Also, I want to invite anyone who has been touched by suicide to share your experiences in the comments below.  Although we can offer general thoughts on this subject, it is your insight that adds truth and nuance to this discussion and helps those facing similar circumstances feel less alone.

First things first, our usual disclaimer…

Although commonalities exist amongst people who have experienced a certain type of loss, individual grief is unique to the person experiencing it and their relationship with the person who died.  Although we can talk in averages and generalities, no article, grief theory, or set of symptoms will ever perfectly sum up your grief experience. Further, although you might be able to relate to aspects of another person’s grief (and vice versa), no one can completely understand how anyone else feels. With this in mind, we recommend you learn what you can from your commonalities with other grievers, but take differences with a grain of salt.

How we talk about suicide…

Although we may have a long way to go in understanding suicide and effective suicide prevention, thankfully progress has brought us far beyond the dark days when suicide was looked upon as a crime or religious offense.  Progress, though, is multifaceted and while our understanding of suicide has grown more compassionate, our language has not.

For this reason organizations like the World Health Organization, National Institute for Mental Health, American Association for Suicidology, American Foundation for Suicide Prevention and countless others have been working to shift suicide-related terminology.  Although there are many fine points to this conversation, I simply want to impress the following upon you…

When referring an individual’s death from suicide…

Don’t say…She committed suicide.”

Do say… “She killed herself” or “She died by suicide”

I know most of you are used to saying “committed suicide” and you certainly aren’t alone.  Many people in our society have yet to get this memo, but now you have.  Please, the time has come for us to choose language around suicide that does not condemn or stigmatize the person who has died or those who love them.

Suicide as a traumatic loss…

When a loved one kills themselves, the death is often experienced as traumatic.  We typically use Wortman & Latack (2015) definition of traumatic loss…

“A death is considered traumatic if it occurs without warning; if it is untimely; if it involves violence; if there is damage to the loved one’s body; if it was caused by a perpetrator with the intent to harm; if the survivor regards the death as preventable; if the survivor believes that the loved one suffered; or if the survivor regards the death, or manner of death, as unfair and unjust.”

This definition touches on many experiences common to suicide death including the death being sudden, untimely, violent, regarded as preventable, etc. However there are other traumatic loss risk factors associated with suicide such as feelings of blame, witnessing the death, and finding the body.  Deaths that are also potentially traumatic events can result in the compounding and intertwining of trauma and grief responses. These may manifest as the following (these are just a few so if you’d like more information on grieving a traumatic loss, head here):

  • Recurrent intrusive thoughts about the death
  • Shattered assumptions about the world, onself, and others
  • Feelings of guilt and blame
  • Fear and avoidance of grief and trauma emotions, thoughts, memories, etc.

It’s important to note, it is not the nature of a death that makes it traumatic, rather how the event is interpreted and processed by the individual. This means that, regardless of the circumstances around the death, it is not a given that it will be experienced as traumatic. One cannot underestimate the impact of personal factors like emotional regulation, cognitive responses, secondary stressors, coping style, prior history of trauma, and access to support and resources in determining how a person responds to an event.


When grieving a suicide death one may experience…

The search for answers:

In the wake of death, people often seek to construct a meaningful narrative that helps them to find peace and understanding in what happened.  So it’s common to ask questions like “what if?”, “why?”, and “what’s the point?” Until the question of “why” can be answered, grieving family and friends may continue to search and ruminate.

After a suicide death, as with any other type of death, the bereaved may seek to make sense of what happened.  However in this instance they may find that many of their questions are either unanswerable or they lead to distressing conclusions (whether these conclusions are true or not). It is not uncommon for themes of personal blame to arise as the person questions their role in their loved one’s suicide and what they could have done to prevent their death.  Unfortunately, the bereaved may vastly overestimate their own role and the role of others (i.e. what family and friends did or didn’t do), as opposed to blaming things like mental illness which is quite often present.

Whether rational or not, grieving family and friends may struggle with distressing thoughts like…

  • I never really knew him.
  • She didn’t feel comfortable confiding in me.
  • She was in intense pain
  • I’m to blame. I should have done more to prevent his death.
  • I’m to blame. I pushed him into the decision to kill himself.
  • She didn’t love me enough to live.
  • My family members are to blame.

The impact of expectedness…

Although suicide is often sudden, it is not always unexpected and so not all who experience the death of a loved one struggle to answer the question of “why?”.  In many instances there has been discussion of suicidal thoughts or past suicide attempts.  Maple et al (2007) found in interviews with suicidally bereaved parents that “preparedness” was linked with an ability to anticipate and explain their child’s death.  They note,

“Once they had acknowledged the inevitability of suicide they were able to weave this possibility, unwelcome as it was, into their life story to develop a coherent explanation.”

Family conflict:

Family can be an incredible source of comfort and healing after a death…for some.  For others, family can be a source of distressing conflict and misunderstanding after a death.

Regardless of the circumstances surrounding the death, things like complicated family dynamics, shifting roles, and different coping styles can test and challenge a family. After a suicide death additional conflict may emerge because…

  • The deceased’s mental illness and suicidal behavior created disruption and placed strain on the family as a whole.
  • Family members disagree about how they want to acknowledge the death publicly.
  • Family members disagree about how they want to discuss the death privately within the family.
  • Different family members come up with different explanations for why their loved one killed him- or herself
  • Blame

Feelings of rejection and abandonment:

Evidence has shown that suicidally bereaved individuals experience higher levels of rejection compared with other bereaved groups. In grief, feelings of guilt, blame, regret, and rejection can be logical, but they can also defy all logic and reason. So even when it’s evident that the suicide was not an act of intentional abandonment, it still may feel that way to the people who grieve the death.

Worries about developing mental illness:

Approximately 90% of those who die by suicide have one or more mental disorders.  When the deceased is connected to the bereaved through genetics, especially in the instance of a child grieving a parent’s suicide death, the living family member(s) may worry that they too will develop mental illness and some day make the choice to kill themselves. Indeed, some research has indicated that a family history of suicide increases suicide risk.

If you know a child, or adult for that matter, struggling with these concerns don’t immediately disregard their worries.  If you are someone grappling with this concern, know that it is normal and if you’re really worried then it never hurts to seek out a little support and psycho-education from a therapist or counselor.

Fear of grief reactions:

After a death mourners often feel as though they are going crazy, and, as noted, those who have experienced a traumatic loss often experience intensified and prolonged grief/trauma reactions.  If a person interprets their symptoms as dangerous, threatening, or indicative of a larger mental or physical problem, they are more likely to fear and inhibit their reactions (i.e. engage in avoidance).

Concerns about one’s own reactions following a death add to existing emotion by causing additional anxiety, depression, anger or shame.  Those who are fearful of their reactions may engage in maladaptive and persistent avoidance of triggers or reminders, which, in some cases, can contribute to the development of psychological disorder and prevent the mourner from finding meaningful ways to continue their bond with their loved one.


It is common for a person to feel relieved after a loved one dies, when the loved one had been living in pain and suffering. For those who die from illness, the relief comes from knowing they are no longer in physical pain.  And when a person dies from something like suicide or overdose, the relief may come from a place of knowing that their loved one is no longer struggling with emotional (and sometimes physical) pain.

Another reason someone might feel relief is if the loved one’s suicidal behavior (or other types of behavior) had put a strain on their family or other types of relationships. This doesn’t mean that the person grieving the loss wouldn’t trade their relief to have their loved one back for just one moment, or that they don’t also feel intense pain and sadness. It just means that relief is one feeling in their big, messy, hurricane of grief.

Feelings of isolation, stigma and/or shame:

Sadly, there is a stigma attached to mental illness and suicide.  Others can’t imagine the mental and emotional pain that would cause a person to kill themselves and so they might make assumptions or judge the deceased’s actions, calling them weak or selfish or who knows what else.

This being the case, it’s no wonder that many people choose not to open up about their loved one’s death.  Stigmatized losses may also be referred to as disenfranchised losses, which you can read more about here.  The following are just a few potential causes for isolation, stigma, and shame following a suicide death:

  • Isolation and shame may result from the family’s decision to keep the suicide a secret.  Feeling unable to acknowledge the truth, those grieving the loss may feel as though they have to lie or live in silence.
  • Shame may result from thoughts of personal blame and responsibility.
  • Shame may result from the belief that one can’t control or manage their own grief reactions.
  • Isolation and shame may result from a lack of social support or because others don’t acknowledge the death.
  • Shame, isolation and stigma may be felt in response to messages from media and broader society about suicide
  • Isolation may result from perceived rejection and thoughts of worthlessness.

If you are grieving a loved one’s death from suicide you may find these resources helpful:

Alliance of Hope for Suicide Survivors

American Foundation for Suicide Prevention

SAVE: Suicide awareness voices of education

To Write Love on Her Arms

Our Posts:

In memory of Robin Williams: How to talk with kids about suicide

Review of the Dougy Center’s After a suicide death: An Activity Book for Grieving Kids

Review of Hospice of the Chesapeake’s Supporting Children After a Suicide Loss: a guide for parents and caregivers


March 28, 2017

269 responses on "Grieving a Suicide Death"

  1. Thank you so much for your article, and the comments below have helped me feel less lonely by a remarkable number.
    My ex-boyfriend recently took his own life after sexually harassing me and it’s been gnawing at me every moment I’m not consumed by grief. He was my best friend. He was the love of my life. We had our adventures. I miss him, but I’m so mad at him. How could you do that to me? I’m so confused about how I’m feeling most of the time. Every little thing the people do or say around me tick me off and I can’t help it. I’ve become recluse as of late. I miss him every day. I can’t imagine how his friends from high school are feeling, nor his PARENTS or family…
    Everybody has been incredibly lovely to me, sent me messages of love, or some of the stupidest condolence messages, food, or came to visit me interstate, but I can’t help but feel that what I’m going through is pretty unique and I feel incredibly lonely. My school is pressuring me to stay on top of work and I feel helpless even though my friends are all sending me their notes.
    I feel so lonely. I feel incredibly alone. I am sad. I am angry.

    I’m going to see a professional soon.

  2. My 18 year-old son committed suicide at home yesterday morning. He had taken most of his antidepressants at once. I was at home and was alerted by my wife and daughter’s screams. He was blue when I got upstairs and my wife and I tried desperately to revive him with heart massage and mouth to mouth until the ambulance arrived. They tried for 20 minutes, but I think I knew it was pointless before then by the gurgling sound his lungs made. We spent some time with his body after they gave up and I took some snippets of his hair. After the ambulance and police left and they drove his body away, I walked to the bus stop to collect our other son from school. He had no idea what to say. How could a 13 year-old know how to react in this situation.

    I simply can’t believe he is gone. There is a terrible rift, emptiness and unspeakable despair left in his place. I don’t know what I hope to achieve by writing this. I guess to tell him that I loved him with all my heart, even if he never really felt it. That I will always love him and could only ever love him. That I miss him in a way that he can never understand. That I want him back. That it was a stupidly permanent solution to a short-term problem and that if he would only have given himself half a chance he could have felt some of the beauty and wonder that life holds. I feel that my love was inadequate. That I failed him as a father. That I did not try hard enough. That I don’t think this despair will ever stop. That, god, I need him back. That my life is not whole without him in it. I at least would have wanted to say good bye and hold him (even though he hates it) and tell him that I love him and that I was so proud of him. I keep thinking he is still in his room and expect him to come down the stairs and share some silly reddit meme, which were often his attempts to connect with me.

    Our son was born a girl and lived as one for the first 12 years of his life. His childhood was mostly normal and happy. He struggled a bit socially and maybe never really felt quite accepted or loved. But nothing we didn’t hope wouldn’t eventually turn good. Around 12 things became more difficult. He expressed the wish to be a boy. Admittedly he struggled with the transition (which was not immediate) and the price that he had to pay in social exclusion and rejection. My wife was amazing and incredible in her never-ending battle to find him the right care and support. I was amazed at his strength and conviction to live his life as the person he wanted. That was so brave. It was difficult for me at first, but we supported him with his hormone therapy and mastectomy. He acknowledged and appreciated this. But sustainable happiness always seemed to allude him. How our hearts broke for him and his dream of simply being normal teenager, to have friends, to belong. He dropped out of school. He tried some things with little reward. Like many he enjoyed playing computer games and found companionship with online-friends around the world. Things started to look up. He went traveling a couple of times to visit friends and our hearts almost burst in joy for him. He began to learn to drive and expressed a wish to go back to finish school via a correspondence course. But his despair was strong as was his wish to die. There were recent plans to re-enter a clinic. I guess I was always stupidly too optimistic and foolishly believing he would grow out of it (much as I grew out of my adolescent awkwardness) and that it would get better. Always wanting to see the good and looking past the bad. And while we loved him, he was often difficult to be around and very hard to get close to. I was not always understanding of him. He could be selfish and demanding. He could show unnecessary meanness towards his younger brother and sister. But I truly thought things were getting better as he got older.

    Please Chester. Hear my prayer. I love you son. My one wish is that you have found peace.

  3. A beautiful friend of mine took her own life a few years ago – due to manic depression. She had suffered this since a teenager, and was in and out of hospital. Her husband could not cope, especially because their daughter was 4 when my friend tried to commit suicide by taking an overdose. Thankfully, she survived, however they divorced but remained very amicable. It wasn’t until one night she came to visit me and she was inconsolable. I mean nothing I said was able to ease her pain. I realised how severely depressed she was and it was heartbreaking to see. A few months later she met a lovely guy and he was a tonic it seemed. After a whirlwind romance they married and all seemed well. The hospital had prescribed lithium and this treatment was extremely effective, until my friend found out she was pregnant. Sadly, she could not remain on the medication, however the nurses did home visits to do appraisals. I was on the bus and saw my friend heavy pregnant and she waved to me, and that’s the image I have kept in my mind, and I see her in my dreams waving to me. At the week end she sent her partner to buy shopping, and he came home to find her hanging in the bathroom. He was hysterical, and called fir help. The team tried to save the baby, as the due date was imminent. The baby was delivered by CS, tragically the baby did not survive. It’s such a tragic event and for everyone who loved her….such a loss, very cruel for her husband, and daughter, who she shared custody with her ex husband. I don’t think i will ever get over the shock and i longed to see her beautiful face and wonderful happy personality. These stories are extremely sad but comforting, as we all loved the person who saw death as their release.

  4. My best friend, we’ll call him Luke, killed himself almost a year ago. We had gone to a baseball game together with a few other friends, had a great time, laughing and smiling together. When we said goodbye, it was always blowing a kiss and saying ‘love you long time, partner’. He dropped me off at my place, said ‘love you long time, partner’, blew a kiss, and then drove away. About a week later, we both graduated from different colleges. I hadn’t heard from him and assumed he was busy with family and friends. I got a call from his little brother around 9pm while I was driving home and he told me the news, Luke had shot himself in the backseat of his car and was found by his grandfather. He never showed up to graduation and his family had spent all day trying to find him, only to find him and his car about 10 miles from his house on a back country road.

    I haven’t been able to sleep well in months. I see his face everywhere I go. The first few months were terrible- I wanted nothing to do with life if it didn’t involve him. I ended my engagement; how could I marry if my best friend wasn’t with me? I moved back in with my parents, unable to live alone. I lost weight, hair, my faith, my friends, and my mind. He had never once mentioned suicidal thoughts, or even his depression. I was blindsided completely and shattered. I’m starting to recover, but I can’t handle anyone mentioning his name. It’s still sore, I feel like it was yesterday that we were at the baseball game, laughing and living life.

    Last week, I got a tattoo of his initials. He will forever be my best friend, my co-coffee addict, my partner. You were a shining star here on earth, but now you shine up in the sky. Luke, I hope you enjoyed your first birthday up there. You better be reading all those crappy romantic books you love, and fishing on heaven’s lakes drinking claws. Love you long time, partner.

  5. My boss and mentor killed himself last week. I didn’t know him for very long but I feel so confused. I am in shock, when I think about the fact that he is actually gone, that he actually killed himself, I want to laugh because it sounds ridiculous. He would never do that, he was always so happy, caring and he loved his family more than anything on earth but he did do it. I feel so terrible for his family and I can’t imagine how they are feeling. I only knew him for 7 months and it is haunting me, so I can’t imagine what they must be feeling. I remember once, sitting with him at his desk, solving an issue at work and he turned to me and said “It was really lucky that we had run into each other that day(when I was looking for a job), you are really doing a great job.” He always made sure people knew their worth and as this being my first job out of college, it meant a lot to me to hear him say that. We didn’t always agree but I know it was just about business and that he was a great guy. It feels so strange not seeing him everyday, not chatting with him, no “Good Morning” with a smile. It makes me wonder if there was something we could have done and it makes me want to know why He did it but we don’t know and we probably never will. I just feel heartbroken about it and it has been the number one thing on my mined for days. I just hope that all the people who loved him will be okay.

  6. My friend killed herself during Spring Break. Only one of my friends knew about it, because she was smart and could connect the dots from the news article that was published. I can’t find the news article now at all. But, my friend told me what happened to her almost a year after she killed herself. I was in so much shock I couldn’t sleep for two nights. I stared at the ground for 5 hours straight. She was kind, she helped everyone else before herself. She had a tough exterior, and prioritized her friends. She could be “mean”, but she stood up for her friends. She also had such a soft sweet voice. She never really had a father figure. Her mom came home drunk everyday, and sometimes abused her. She had depression from a young age, and cut herself to relieve her depression. Even in elementary school, she had deep cuts in her wrists. She had cuts from her wrists to her shoulders, and her legs. She never really confided in anyone that much. She told people about her bad home life, and her depression. She dropped hints that she needed more help, but nobody really gave it to her. One day, I guess she was just done. Her mom came home, and saw her hanging in her room, she called 911. She was later confirmed dead. She wasn’t born in the right place, and I know why she did it.. But.. I miss her sweet voice, her smile that could make anyone happy. Nobody was there for her. And when I tried to ask people about her, they all had the same reaction. Nobody really knew her, or noticed she was gone. She was one of my closest friends, and I didn’t know until almost a year after. I never had any contact with her on social media or anything, so I just assumed she moved without saying goodbye but. She killed herself.

  7. The article and responses are a great comfort to me. My little sister, 39 years old took her own life in February last year. I’m still feeling both devastated and relieved by her death. My sister was a wonderfully warm, funny, loyal and creative person who did not deserve the life cards she was dealt. She had a long history of mental illness and addiction that radiated chaos to her children, partner, family, friends and neighbours. I have worried about her my whole life, supported her, stuck up for her when family called her a druggie, called GP’s, tried to engage her in Mental Health, Adult Social Care, Drug and Alcohol services. I have lain awake at night filled with anxiety and dread, wondering where she was, what was she doing, was she okay?
    In the last few years, every phone call, every text, meet up was an intervention. We did not have a sister relationship anymore. My children had not seen their aunt for 3 years. I also feel relieved for my sister, that she does not have to feel in so much emotional pain, she felt so shit and had lost so much that I’m not sure she ever would have felt okay.
    Thank you for the article, it’s helping me, my husband and my children to heal.

  8. My dad hung himself less than a week ago, he’d been struggling with bipolar disorder and alcohol addiction for the past couple of years. We tried to convince him to get help but he always refused, he would not admit that he needed treatment. Although it crossed my mind that he might do it one day (he tried before), I never seriously thought that this day would come. When I received the devastating news I couldn’t breathe, I still don’t feel as though it actually happened. My dad hasn’t been himself for years, and I guess I do feel a bit of a relief knowing that he is no longer suffering and that he can no longer hurt my mum. He used to be a fun, loving dad, but he hasn’t been there since my mid teens. I feel partially responsible because even though i knew he was sick I said some nasty things to him. In fact, I haven’t spoken to him at all for about 3 months and the last time I saw him, he told me he was glad that I was leaving. It was after a couple of months of his manic episode that was more intense than ever. I was supposed to come home 3 days after the day of his suicide and was planning to have a conversation to him, but it was too late. I’m sad. I wish I spoke to him sooner…

    • I’m sorry to hear that…your story is quite similar to mine although my father left a different way…it was just his 1 year…I was fine for a while…but now I’m lost again. Keep your head high…it does get better…times will get hard but you can do it!

    • My mother just hung herself last week. You sound exactly like me and what I’m going thru.

    • My dad hung himself yesterday and I’m lost. This pain and guilt is like nothing I’ve experienced before.

  9. When I was about 4 my house was being worked on by a family friend and one of the workers always brought his son who was about ten at the time. He always played with me for months but one day not knowingly was my last day seeing him and i was probably 5 or 6. The other day i heard about a girl in my schools boyfriend or ex-boyfriend hanging himself in her laundry room. I knew the guys name but didnt even connect the two. A day ago my mom told me that my childhood best friend was that guy. i am devastated. i never got to say goodbye. Tomorrow is his wake and im going and i dont really know what to do so i googled some stuff and found this website and decided to spill everything in this comment.

  10. I posted this on another article, but it really belongs here…and edited for this space…
    My husband, age 43, killed himself just over a month ago. I found him, just like I believe he knew I would. He hung himself in our basement, and I had to get him down and try to perform CPR. On a dead body. The dead body of the man I had loved every day of my life since I was 20 years old. The man I had an argument with an hour earlier, because I caught him in yet another lie. The man who I walked out on to clear my head, only to return 20 minutes later to his dead body hanging from my ceiling.
    I know I am not the reason he killed himself, but I do know that I am the catalyst for it. He would tell me on an almost daily basis how much he hated the burden he felt he’d become since the fire in 2012. He was constantly in pain, both physical and emotional. I believe that he’d have taken his own life much sooner if it hadn’t have been for me. I also believe that he knew it would be me who found him, and maybe that was his way of pushing his destructive narcissism onto me one last time.
    If he were here right now (he didn’t leave a note, just 2 decades of predictive clues), I think he’d say he did it for me. Maybe to make me feel like his death was my fault, or maybe because he knew I’d never truly leave him, no matter how bad the arguing got. So he decided to leave. Self-care and all that.
    We had plenty of great times, as we were together for 21 1/2 years, but unfortunately I’m finding that the bad times are the ones that stick out most to me. I can’t seem to allow the good memories to outshine the bad ones. The bad ones were soooo bad! He suffered from PTSD, depression and the most crippling anxiety!
    The last 7 years, these had just gotten worse! Seven years ago, I thought the worst possible thing that could ever happen, happened. My husband (boyfriend at the time) was the victim of a devastating fire. Devastating not only to us, and the others who witnessed it. Friends went away, because they couldn’t look at him, knowing they did nothing to help. His depression deepened, and he took it out on me and his mother, as we were his support system. He began using drugs he’d never done before, using the excuse that “it is the only thing that takes the pain away”. I tried to be understanding of his suffering, yet I was suffering too! I faithfully took him to his therapy appointments, weekly, for over 12 years! I let his doctors know when he was having thoughts of self-harm, and when he made attempts, at least 5 times since the fire. They didn’t seem to think he was at risk.
    He spent the last 7 years of his life lying to me, and to himself, about how bad it really was. I’m also learning that he spent the previous 14 years lying to me too! The horrible things that I’ve found out since he’s died are ruining any chance I have to have a positive memory of the man I loved for my entire adult life. I feel like no matter how many of my friends and family members surround me with their love and healing, nobody truly understands how I’m feeling.
    I want to be who I was before him, a whole person who doesn’t have another’s issues running their life. I am tired of pushing people away, as that was always his thing, not mine. I’m done saying no to invitations, I’ve finally began saying yes again. I find myself wanting, in some way to forget he was part of my life. I know it sounds bad, but I am 41 years old, and have the rest of my life to continue living. I refuse to sit in the dark and grieve for something that didn’t make me happy.
    His death has been somewhat of a relief for me, as I no longer have his dark cloud hanging over me. I am grieving very differently than the other people in his life. I think I have grief guilt. I think his mom might see me going out, having fun and enjoying life and think I am somehow disgracing his memory. But she doesn’t know what I’ve found out. And she doesn’t need to. I just hope I’m not screwing myself up more feeling this way.
    Sorry for the rant.

    • Hey, don’t be sorry, it’s not a rant, it’s how you feel. Thanks for sharing, makes me feel better!

    • Emily, when I read your story I felt like I finally connected to something that resonates with what I’m going through. My ex-husband took his own life a week ago. Though we divorced a year ago, and he had been living in another state for 2 years due to his having burned his life to the ground here, we were still in a relationship. The man I loved for almost 12 years, the charming, fun, spontaneous, passionate and tender hearted one, was also a tornado of narcissism, addiction, indifference, and at times cruelty, that absolutely ripped through my life and sucked me wholly into his center. I both loved unconditionally, and despised and resented, this man, locked in a battle with myself over how I could love someone who treated me so badly, and how I could cut ties with someone I felt so irreversibly connected with. When I didn’t hear from him for a couple of days, my heart sank, and I believed he had probably relapsed on drugs, again, and was in the hospital or a rehab. When I finally reached his sister and learned he’d shot himself, alone in his car, parked by the beach, only someone who has lost someone to a death by their own hand can understand the unreality of that moment, and the shock, the sick twist you just got handed. There were plenty of reasons why he would’ve done this, the hopelessness of addiction, loss of his kids, his fading youth and ego, his mental illness.. whether something happened that was the last straw I’ll never know. But I think I have to look at it like he’s someone who broke slowly, and then all at once. I’ve been studying narcissism for years trying to make sense of him and of us, and the bottom line is, I have to accept this was the inevitable outcome of a lot of factors, some his fault, some not. He changed once he lost all the outer trappings of success, vitality, and control over his life. I thought he had become more humble..but in fact, I think he felt stripped bare without the ability to behave arrogantly and with entitlement, and like a dying star, he imploded. I’m grieving for him because I did love him, do love him, but I’m also grieving for my truly unlived life the last decade, holding on to something I knew wasn’t what I deserved or even wanted. His death feels like a statement, the final I Don’t Care in a long string of I don’t cares. I will not let this destroy me, own me forever. When I’m ready to start really getting painfully honest with myself, I’ll begin to heal. Not just from this, but from the years I lived broken and confused. You’re strong for deciding to live your life finally, and don’t let anyone’s judgment of that affect you. Only you know what can keep you putting one foot in front of the other, and no matter what that is, do it, and keep doing it.

  11. October 22, 2019 my partner of 20 years hung himself in our garage. We had “the suicide conversation” numerous times over the past 3 years; I knew his plan.
    My Mike suffered almost his entire life with depression and PTSD from an abusive alcoholic father. Then there was a motor vehicle accident that cause chronic pain-the trifecta!
    Mike was the most compliant person I ever knew-he did the work, took the meds, participated in therapy, etc.
    He would have been 52 on October 31.
    Mike was my first light, last light, my daylight, my moonlight and my nightlight.

  12. my best friend killed herself on the 9th april 2017. i don’t really have a long story for it, but i haven’t admitted it outloud or in writing really. she had a heart condition, and faced w/ the prospect of a shortened life, and a body she hated, she killed herself. here seems like a good place to just, i don’t know, put it out?

  13. My precious daughter took her life on July 7th 2019. That day was the end of her life on earth and mine too.I mostly just stay in bed and read my daughters last text messages to me begging me to believe her to believe that she was not hearing voices,that people in the neighborhood were really stalking us. Then I see that I could have should have insisted on her going into a hospital.I took her to her psychiatrist less than a week before she took her own life. He was uncaring and unfeeling. She begged him to help her and he did not. Then I begged for her to be re-evaluated and his attitude was awful. So I went to see my own doctor and told him how scared I was ,he said he also could not help. There was really no good mental health care in our whole state.I then called another doctor that I found in our area and told them what was happening and asked for an appointment for her to be completely re-evaluated. The earliest they could give us was July 11th.So we looked forward to that date.Lindsey became very scared of seeing the new doctor thinking he would hospitalize her but she said she would go My precious daughter was the love of our life and we worried about her all the time. I knew what mental illness was as I had suffered most of my life with severe depression and anxiety. Now I passed this horrible illness on to my precious daughter.Our lives went along alright most of the time, Lindsey had tried hard to work and be a part of society. Finally at 25 years old we had to face that she was not able to work anymore. She was always scared to drive so I would take her to work only to have her call me crying sometimes even before I got home. That broke Lindsey’s heart and ours too.She just was not able to be independent of us.Back in those days I really thought that I was a good mother. That I was doing all I could to help her and encourage her to be as independent as possible.Our two older children that live away from us and have been for years,they are twenty years older than Lindsey,always said I spoiled her.Then losing her Daddy so suddenly both of us watching him go from seeming fine,laughing and watching TV to being gone,just gone in a matter of minutes.He died of a sudden heart attack. All that should have brought us together,it was just the two of us now but it somehow made us both much worse mentally.We seemed to blame each other in some crazy way when it was not our fault at all. She hated it that I cremated his body but she did not say that until it was done. She said I should have called 911 quicker but it all happened so fast so very fast.  I blamed her in some crazy way for many little things ,things she had no control over. Things like that. I was just angry at the world and took it out on the only person there.I went into a very deep depression, and even knowing how bad Lindsey’s depression must be I could not pull myself out of it.I went into my room and left poor Lindsey alone with her grief.I would not even say I love you at times, I felt frozen inside. Like I had no heart. I don’t love you, I don’t love anyone was what I would say in one of my horrible fits I guess you would say. I  was the one in my family who always hugged ,now she could not even hug me. I would stand there stiff and frozen.It was an awful way to feel and worse to say. Then I would of  course tell her that” I do love you,” and I’m sorry but she was already grieving her Daddy so bad now she felt like she lost her Momma too.Lindsey seemed to only keep the bad words,the bad arguments that we had been having since his death.So my guilt about letting my daughter down and I feel actually causing her to finally take her own life is eating me alive.Yes, she had been threatening suicide since her very early teens and at first we were terrified, It was awful so scary ,we would do anything say anything to stop her. Then the years went by and the threats still happened,  after years went by it started to feel like just a threat and that it would never really happen.This is hard to admit but whatever was going on with her illness had caused her to become physical at times. Looking back I think I was being so cold and mean that she had no other way to fight back.She had never really hurt me bad but I guess because of my past abuse in childhood and as a young woman I was not able to deal with this. I found myself thinking OK, I was abused as a baby,a child , a wife now I’m elderly and  my own daughter!So I had a hard time moving past it and  instead of trying to understand why she might be doing this I became angry.  I would hold a grudge. So the way it was Lindsey and I would argue ,she would get physical,then we would make up and she would try to hug me, I would pull away and she would be so hurt.I could never explain to her how it made me feel to be pushed,or squeezed or have her hand over my mouth and then her try to hug and kiss and make up.Now I realize that she was only trying to make me stop saying mean things.So it was in this kind of horrible atmosphere that the unthinkable day happened.That day, that horrible day, we were again arguing and she had stood in front of me in a kitchen  corner and started saying hit me hit me over and over,I know you want to,I did not want to,I don’t even now know where that came from. Now I normally never hit my baby,I had been psychically abused during much of my life and I did not even believe in spanking.For some God awful reason I did that day. I slapped her and she slapped me back.She walked off and changed her cloths, it was pouring rain and she had been outside  and got wet. I called to her saying Lindsey please come in the house,You will get pneumonia.Now she came back in the kitchen and she said I’m going to hang myself, In  my anger with my face still stinging as I’m sure hers  was I said Go Ahead.NEVER NEVER NEVER even remotely thinking it was real. She asked me again really? God help me I said yes.Our sick pattern was she would threaten then walk off and I would chase her or call or message and beg her not to hurt herself then we would make up.I had just bought her a new lime green couch and a pretty chair with birds all over and she had been out back in her little playhouse,a small house that we had for her to have privacy and a place to feel at least some independence.She was up there cleaning and vacuuming getting it all ready for her new furniture..She had told me how excited she was to sit on her new couch and use her new headphones.Then while vacuuming the breaker burned out and now she had no power. We were both in a hurry to get power again since it was only two days before delivery of her new furniture.That day seconds after she walked out the back door the front doorbell rang. I knew it was an electrician we had called because her power was out in her little playhouse, a building we gave her with a loft and TV .Well I answered the front door, began talking to the electrician about the power, a breaker needed replaced. I truly thought she was up there just just like always and never imagined anything else.The electrician found my baby, she had hung herself. She had told me she had been up in the loft earlier but I had no thought that she had been up there making a thing out of her dogs lease to do this nightmare thing. She had not only lost her Daddy but her two dogs died within months,and she lost her elderly cat a month before,she had lost her best friend kitty while her Daddy was still here. So much death.The repairman said later it looked like she was trying to get down, but she had been standing in an old folding lawn chair and it had broken trapping her legs.So if I had not said Go Ahead, if I had run after her like always, if only I had not answered the front door, if I had not been so selfish in my grief for my husband. All that and more if I had been a good Momma to my beautiful little girl she would be here now.So why am I here? I am an old sick woman who deserves death.She was a young beautiful girl who had not lived her life.Sorry I just had to say it all.

    • Dear June
      I am so very sorry for your loss and grief. Your story really touched my soul. I lost my mother May 25th 2019. She hung herself in a hotel. I am incredibly sad and traumatized and am also dealing with grief and anxiety from it. My mom was mentally ill for years following a stroke. In and out of mental hospitals for years. They said it was Bipolar.. but I think it was other things as well. She thought people were breaking in to her condo, raping her, stealing things etc. I have fought for her to help her for years but as you know.. mentally ill people are very difficult to deal with on any level. She threatened suicide for years and none of us thought she’d ever do it. Like your situation, my mom and I could get along but also said hateful things to each other. I didn’t get to see her on Mother’s Day and I will regret that and other things probably forever. We loved each other and that’s what counts…just like you and your daughter loved each other. I could not have saved my mother nor could you your daughter. No matter what we did. It was going to happen despite every intervention. It was not your fault…. it was not my fault. They made that decision long before your fight..long before any of the fights we had. For whatever reason.. that was their destiny as damn terrible as it is. I go to therapy and it’s really helped me to process. The biggest thing is self forgiveness and letting go of the guilt. I just wanted to reach out to you and say I will pray for us both. I hope they are safe with God where there is no more suffering. Try to live your best life in her honor, that’s what I am going to do. They really in their sane selves would wish that for us. Much Love and light to you.

  14. Hi I’m Ella I’m 14. Um my best friend for 9 years is probably the most suicidal person I know, the cutting got to the point where she could accidentally commit, she’s in a mental hospital right now for a month I miss her so much I don’t even know if this is gonna help her. Is it normal to feel like she’s already dead ? What do i do

  15. Hi I’m Ella I’m 14. Um my best friend for 9 years is probably the most suicidal person I know, the cutting got to the point where she could accidentally commit, she’s in a mental hospital right now for a month I miss her so much I don’t even know if this is gonna help her. Is it normal to feel like she’s already dead ?

    • Ella,

      Be your idea of a good person (thoughtful, kind, empathetic, etc.). Keep that big heart and train yourself.

      Take care of yourself.

  16. Dear Mam

    My son passed away on the 16/11/2019 and he killed him self.

    He didn’t live any note and he didn’t say anything to me. his son was born on Friday and Saturday he killed him self. but his friends told me after the funeral that the child was not his. I want to do a DNA test and prove that the child was not his. then after that can I sue the mother of the child for all the pain she has cause me and my family?

  17. I am a surviving father and husband of two suicides in my family. My wife of 26 years after suffering from bi-polar and borderline personality, took her own life on October 8th, 2000. On September 8th 2019 I found my son in his apartment dead from a self inflicted gun shot to his head. He was 27 years old, and he was a combat veteran who had been out of the Army for 5 years.
    In the 5 years he was treated by the mental health people at the VA. He could not hold a job due to his mental state, It was just failure after failure until he reach a point where he had had enough of this life.
    I’m sure that he inherited genes from his mother that affected him in the same way, he spoke to me of his depression and creid out for help, he just wanted a normal life, but instead he suffered mentally and physically agony every minute of the day.
    I text and called him every day, when I didn’t hear from him on the 8th of September, a great fear arose inside me, I went to his apartment and found my son dead.
    I don’t know if I can go on, my heart is broken and destroyed by these suicides and the pain that neither my wife or son aske for or deserved. What hope is there for this life?

    • Frank, I am so sorry for your losses. I lost my only brother and my dad to suicide in 2015. My grandmother and great-grandfather also died of suicide. I’m only telling you this to hopefully help you feel less alone. I understand how complicated your grief is, and that it makes sense to ask how to go on, or why. I don’t have a good answer, except – you just do. You just do it. You go on for that tiny spark that’s inside you. That tiny part of you that’s still alive. Still loves. That tiny spark is enough to keep you alive, and it holds all your feelings of despair, rage, love, confusion, hope… there is still hope and you will find your way out. That spark will grow to light your way out of the hell you’re in now. I don’t know how, or when, but it will.

    • Frank,
      I want to give my condolences!!! I am soooo sorry.
      I know how you feel slightly, but when you state what hope is there? I need a spark too.
      My husband of 22-years took his life in May 2019. I still have not “accepted” the fact that I will never physically see him again.

      Kristins reply and nice words, are a little hope!.
      With Love and Hugs…
      ~ Kathleen

    • My husband, a family practice physician, committed suicide in 2015. It was devastating to watch him descend into a deep depression, and I tried to no avail to help him. Stressors included work and fears that he was prescribing too many controlled substances (this had come to his supervisor’s attention yet there was no direct consequence) and fears that his very elderly father might pass. His father, a pastor who was very loving, kind, and compassionate, was a rock to David. Another stressor was that David was awarded custody of his daughter, and this created extra effort to get in many ways to provide a good upbringing for her. At Christmas, my husband became very anxious and depressed, and he was having difficulty functioning. We decided to go for an evaluation, and he was surprisingly admitted to the hospital. The next several months involved several rounds of ECT, a diagnosis of Bipolar I, transfer to another facility, and a couple more hospitalizations. Custody of his daughter was returned to his ex-wife, and he would come home for a few days, rapidly decline in terms of paranoia ( would not eat anything I cooked, was insistent that we were going broke) and he refused to bathe. The decline was shocking, and no combination of medication seemed to work. He insisted that I put our home in my name only, and he felt that I was the enemy he could not be trusted. The toll of his anger, depression, and paranoia was hard. I lost 60 pounds, was trying to work as a therapist, and was always afraid of what I would come home to. At one point I caught him being quite mean to my 7 lb dog. It finally reached the point that I could no longer function. I lost my sobriety after 25 yrs of abstaining, and when he was about to be
      hospitalized yet again, I realized that I had nothing to offer him unless I started taking care of myself. I helped him move into an apartment, continued taking him to his appts, started attending AA again, and we mutually divorced. I’d invite him to go out to eat, walk, etc, but he usually declined. His pwn pastor and best friend were concerned and tried to interact with him. I would call David, and there was a 2 day period in which I could not get ahold of him from work. I walked into his apt and found him sprawled on the floor, dead from a massive overdose. It took an hour for the police and fire dept to get there, and I could not believe that our love had come to this. The ripple effect occurred in which every person in David’s life blamed themselves for not doing more, etc, even though David’s illness and anger pushed them away. I drank heavily for 2 years, quit working, and was a mess of self-guilt, self-blame, and shock. I found a wonderful therapist who helped me unsort the complicated mess our lives had become. I chose sobriety, and returned to work a year later, realizing that I had survived this experience. While it affected my life in so many ways, I know today that there was nothing I could have done to save a person who was intent on ending his life. At best, I was delaying his decision. May David rest in peace.

    • You’re not alone in the way you feel. It never gets better but it does get easier with time. I hurt for you and anyone else who has to go through this.

      I lost my brother to a self inflicted gun shot wound in 2015 and unfortunately was there when it happened. It’s destroyed every part of my being, as if that day, that moment, everything plays over and over in my mind. Some days its the worst imaginable pain and other days you look back on the memories and smile.

      Life will never be the same but we must go on and find reasons to live life and find happiness, even if that happiness is just for a moment.

  18. My father shot himself May of this year. We had text daily for a long time, I always knew he was unhappy, but not that kind of unhappy. I received a call from my sister around 530 AM, and found it troubling just in itself. I laid back down and heard the voicemail chime, I read the transcribe and saw words indicating an officer called. I listened to it, and promptly deleted it so I could never experience that horror again no matter what. Nothing has been the same since, we text the night before and I noticed he seemed off, but rather than say anything or question it, I went to bed. I am not sure I will ever forgive myself for not asking him what was wrong.

    Its been months, and life moves along. I am now closer than ever with my mom and sister, and have realized I only get one chance in life. I find peace in knowing my dad was proud of me and my recent successes in life. I still am haunted of pictures in my head of what his last few minutes were, and they impact me very deeply. I walk through life like nothing is wrong, but inside I am so crushed, and forever will be. I still fail to understand why it was okay to do this to us, we never did anything wrong.

    Either way, it hurts me deeply to see all of these comments and stories, I wish it was not possible for people to kill themselves. I worry and wonder what my later life will look like, as now I am terrified of one day facing the same demise.

    • Hello Aaron,
      Yes, reading all these posts, is heart-breaking, and I’m already heart-broken as it is!!! My husband of 22-years took his life in May 2019. I don’t understand this either. EVERY SINGLE DAY I ask… “WHY!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?”

      My condolences to you!!

    • Hi Aaron. I’m so sorry. I understand as my dad shot himself in the head in front of my mom and his cousin in June 2019. He texted me that he was sorry right before he did it and we talked on the phone earlier that morning. He was talking about how he was having thoughts that morning and I was going to go over to my parents house to help him, but he told me not to come. I still feel like I should’ve gone over there.

      My mom and his cousin were trying to help him and talk to him before he did it, but he ended up saying some hurtful things to my mom and she had to step into their bedroom with his cousin and she tried to calm my mom down. He came into the room shortly after texting everyone and did it.

      He was in a wheelchair and had been for 35 years and had been struggling with depression for years. My mom and I constantly reassured him he was amazing and wonderful – because he was. He was independent and helped others with disabilities daily. He was an inspiration.

      After he did it, I received the call from my dad’s cousin’s husband. I still don’t believe it almost 7 months later. I immediately felt like I had to be strong for my mom so i suppressed a lot of my emotions. Things have also changed for us since. I don’t have any siblings, so I moved with my fiancé into my moms house where it happened. While that seems crazy to most people, we find it shockingly healing. Being back in the house has made me able to finally grieve and process, even though I still feel like it’s all a dream. My dad had planned this as he reached out to several people weeks before he did it and told them to take care of my mom and I if something ever happened to him. He told all the family he loved them by video weeks before.

      I understand why he did it because he had talked to my mom and I about it several times, but it still didn’t prepare me for it. We tried every time to convince him not to ever do it. We know he’s at peace and not hurting anymore.

      I just had to reach out because our stories are a little bit similar. I wish you and your family peace during this time.

  19. My best friend and I used to talk about everything. I knew he was depressed, he knew I was as well. On nights that were particularly tough, I’d take all of his weapons from his house to be sure he’d be safe. I’ve never liked being around guns but for him I didn’t think twice. One night I went over and we had a LOT to drink. We played video games until midnight, when he made a sexual advance. I know it was the alcohol talking, so I paid it no mind. But in my drunken state I chuckled, he knew I was a lesbian. I noticed the clock and called for a ride home. When I stood up I realized I was much more inebriated than I thought, so he walked me outside to my parents car. He hugged me tight and told me he’d see me tomorrow. I told him I loved him and I went home.

    I woke up the next morning to a text that said “I’m sorry, GB”
    I thought he may have meant goodnight, until I got the phone call saying they found his body. He shot himself just after the text.
    His family blames me, his friends blame me, even I blame me. I cannot think about any type of suicide with immediately crying, and it’s been over 2 years now.
    I am 23 years old, have been to 20 funerals in the past 10 years, and none of them have ever haunted me quite like this. Friends have drowned, overdosed, been murdered, car accidents, disease, and nothing hurts quite like this. How do I forgive him..?

    • Dear Sarah, your friend’s death is not your fault. He had been drinking and was not in a stable place. No matter how hard we try we can never be there at all times and we cannot always be able to save those we love. My son made his first suicide attempt at age 18. The next 8 years was a literal battle in trying to get him help. Long story short, in the last year of his life, he was hospitalized 6 times. He had been out of the hospital only 10 days when he took his life. In that short time, he had seen his doctor twice, gone to two therapy sessions and a support group, and he and I had talked for hours. Since I worked full time at night, at 2pm on the day he died, I told him I needed to get some sleep. He said he was going for a walk. I told him to be safe and that I loved him. He said he loved me too and left after a hug with a smile on his face. Five hours later my husband and I found him hanging in an old barn. He was in so much pain. I believe in the eternal nature of our souls and I know his spirit lives on. Be gentle to yourself. You were as good to your friend as you knew how to be. I have a degree in psychology and I could not save my own son. It may take many years, but you will heal. Just know that having this experience will help you to be a more compassionate and loving person. If your friend had cancer, would you blame yourself for the death? Of course not. Mental illness is the most insidious because it robs one of their own sense of self. Read the book “Night Falls Fast” by Kaye Redfield Jamieson. It helped me and I think it will help you. I’m sending positive thoughts, love and prayers to all those who suffer from loss due to suicide. It is suffocating, but survival comes one step at a time. The son I speak of hear died just 17 months after his older brother died of a self inflicted gunshot to the head. I found him dead on my bed with his brains on the floor. People say I am strong. It is my faith and my love for my other children that helps me continue. Please don’t despair. For all its pain and sorrow, life finds a way.

    • Hey Sarah.
      My husband of 22-years took his life in May 2019. This whole situation is difficult enough for the loved ones left behind. I’m so sorry, and all I can say, from what I have come to learn is …
      “Bless and Release.” When you are ready to forgive, I think you might feel a slight load off your shoulders, but the pain, I regret, will always be there. Take Care!
      ~ Kathleen

  20. A girl from my old high school killed herself yesterday night. She hung herself in a park near my neighbourhood. She was one year younger than me and I never got to meet her properly : I had first noticed her for always wearing sleeves or copious amounts of bracelets in public and I had seen some pretty bad scars on her arms. As at the time I was self-harming as well, I had understood what was going on with her. I knew, yet I never had the courage to finally talk to her. I know that probably would not have changed anything, but I am now constantly thinking about how things might have gone if I had told her about myself, about how it can get better with the proper help, with the proper friends. I am heart-broken, I have no idea how to deal with this as nobody understands why I’m so upset about the death of someone I had only seen walking in school.

    • Hey Claudia,
      I wanted to respond to your post because my little brother died by suicide on 8/25/19. I’ve been reading articles to help me process things. Jeff and I were extremely close. Jeff had attempted suicide multiple times since 2014. We talked about it and he promised me he’d always call me if his mind started to wander into the darkness. Jeff called me multiple times but this one time he did not. I’ve been devastated. One thing I’ve accepted is that his choice to take his life was to relieve himself from his pain. I was there for him…for 29 years I was there for him. Me being there, my mom being there, my family being there…it didn’t make a difference.
      One grief article I read stated “Grief is your own, and only yours.” Others might not understand, but there are others who do understand.
      Jeff and I had shared traumas growing up. I endured two years of intense therapy to let the pain go. Jeff couldn’t open up to anyone about his pain. It was just too hard for him.
      When you are ready, please forgive yourself for the guilt you’re currently feeling. When you’re ready, please look into finding a therapist that you connect with (it took me meeting 6 therapists until I met one that I felt comfortable speaking to) it’s a scary process…but it’s worth it in the end.
      Lastly, I’m sincerely sorry for your loss…

  21. This is for all those who believe in light at the end of tunnel.
    Our view about death and suicide needs to change. There are people doing quantum jumps and shockingly finding dead people alive again in other realities. It is really possible to get your loved one back using the jump. Please read about quantum immortality. Then go to reddit and see how people re saying they committed suicide. They were supposed to be dead. Many tried extremely brutal methods and still found themselves alive. One guy tried to kill himself 5 times. Each time he came out alive. Educate your loves ones on quantum immortality. If in reality X someone kills himself then his consciousness jumps to the body he has in reality Y. By the way, this is not limited to suicide only, but people who do it are more retrievable than those who die due to illnesses.

    You may not have many supporters if you do the jump. It seems the society is brainwashed into believing that getting back someone from death is worse than the person dying.

  22. My name is Robert and on March 6th 2018 at 5:58 I recieved a call on facetime from the woman I have been in love with for over 15 years, and I say have because I still am, and she said ” I called just to say good bye”. I said ” Do what?” As I noticed she was actively loading a gun. She had the phone set so that we could see each other. I remember she was sitting in the car and the radio was so loud…. I panicked and started to plead and beg the woman I loved more than life, more than living ,well more than anything to please stop and not do this. She didn’t respond to my pleas instead she continued to prepare herself. Alot is hazy after this because you must understand when you see the love of your life, your soulmate, your person place a pistol to the side of her head and look right in your eyes and say “I’m sorry. I love you.” Then look to the left and you hear a pop and see a flash time just stops. You live in that moment for the rest of your life. Every single day that is what you see. You see her slowly slump forward and notice little things, like her hair blowing in the air condition. I lost it! Rational thinking went out the window and autopilot kicks in. I ran to my mother’s busted in, all the while watching the phone and listening as hard as I could for any sound, a moan or any movement because there was no way she was gone! Not my baby! “Call 911 I screamed with all I had. Mom said why what’s wrong and my mind not working correctly and realizing my daughter that calls her mommy was standing right behind me screamed Bobbie shot herself and I think she’s gone. Then I heard the most blood curdling scream as I realized my baby had made her way to the couch behind me and stood on it getting a good look at what daddy would not take his eyes off of on his phone. She saw mommy dead and lost it. I barely took notice because my eyes would not leave the phone. Finally after eternity passed, the car door opened and a paramedic reached in. Now is when I believe everything changed cuz till this moment there was hope there was a chance. I believe I was sure he’d say ” she’s alive get the streacher” but instead he just pulled away and shook his head no…… That was when my soul ripped in half and i lost consciousness. I beat the door with my fist until my hands wouldn’t close hit my knees and screamed out everything in me! I had just witnessed my world shatter. As I’m writing this it’s hard to see threw the tears. It’s been over a year and I’ve been committed to mental hospital, went to prison and put myself in every dangerous position I possibly could. I quit being a daddy and if it wasn’t for a friend letting me stay and having wifi I wouldn’t be sharing this with you. In fact if I hadn’t been looking for the most painless way to commit suicide I’d have never found you at all. I don’t know where I’ll be tomorrow or if I will be but I felt like I should share our story. I’ll never love another and I didn’t keep my promise to her. I’m a liar! We said if one of us ever went the other would be right behind…. but here I sit. I’m so sorry Bobbie you deserved so much better. I’ll love you forever and will see you soon enough my love.

    • Robert,
      First, my heart is beyond heavy for your loss of your wife. That is absolutely heartbreaking. You have every right to feel how you are feeling right now. Your friend that you are staying with right now? Hold that friend close. Hold every single person you have love for, or once had love for, close right now. Please reach out for help to your loved ones. People do care. I care, and I don’t even know you. I want give you my contact info some how if you ever need to reach out to anyone and have them listen.

      As the daughter of someone who died by suicide, I cannot express to you how much devastation that would bring to your children. My dad died by suicide when I was five, so I don’t remember much of him and that is part of the pain. I want to know him. He is apart of me. I want to be able to talk to him and ask him questions and hug him more than anything in the world. Please stay strong for your children. This is not forever. You can do this. Please stay strong.

  23. My boyfriend of 9 years died by suicide 14 months ago. We were so happy. Did everything together. I knew he was sad because two months to the date his beloved dog of 17 years died. My boyfriend was a happy go lucky guy. Always had a smile, Always wanted to make people laugh. My heart is broken. . My life was so happy and now its broken. No one understand what a hole I have in my heart. I wonder am I going crazy? How long will I feel this way? He overdose on some pills and I found him died on our bed. That image will never go away. My baby was shattered and I didn’t realize how much he was suffering. We also had a petty fight that day. Which was strange because we rarely fought He was so talented in so many ways. He was so loved. I don’t think I will ever enjoy life again.

  24. My very good and close friend from childhood committed suicide. Her boyfriend committed suicide by hanging in her apartment few weeks prior her own death. I live in different state and i could not find the time to visit her, instead we spoke on chat, our mutual good friend was visiting her as much as he could. I know he feels guilty, because he thinks he could have done more, i feel guilty cause i didnt have time. I am trying to avoid these thoughts as much as i can but they always find the way back and i feel as if i would meet her, if i have said something it could have changed the outcome. I feel guilty. She was 29 years old beautiful human being, she as many others should not have died like this. My mind cannot quite digest what happen i feel numb, with occasional sickening and chilling feeling coming out of my heart with constant pressure on the back of my mind. It feels like some emotional prison, i just cannot understand that i do not want to accept it.

  25. I had recentlylearned that my best friend had just hung herself. Very recent. I instantly took the “No, that isnt true” path. I mean what else was there to do? This girl, had been the closest friend to me. We had made plans to go out and do things in highschool like normal teens. The last thing I said to her was: “I want to see you first thing, on the first day of highschool. I’ll be there.” So. To cope? I banged my forehead into a wall for a bit. Then I texted her number and continuously called her phone. I then sat on my bed, and cried. Hard. Screaming, shaking. You name it. Everybody knew we were close. Now I’m getting too many f*cking message to read at once from classmates. Things like “You good?” or “Dont do anything stupid” I want to be in a coma. I want to see her again.

  26. I lost my boyfriend and best friend to suicide six months ago. Can´t describe my feelings, it´s just too much. Changed my life forever. I feel so alone, as there´s nobody who’s experienced the same near me. Don´t even know why I post this, even after months it feels like nothing and nobody can help me. I wish everyone else here the best, it is so horrible to read all your stories. At least now I know I´m not alone.

    • Hey Katharina. I too lost my boyfriend (and best friend) to suicide.. 11 months ago. Each day is still such a struggle and I find myself no matter what I’m doing always and constantly thinking about him. I constantly go back to that day and going over every small detail of it. I generally feel like I’m in a black hole that I will never get out of. I honestly don’t know how I will get through an entire lifetime with this kind of sadness on my shoulders and in my heart. It’s an intense weight and it just feels like too much. I just came across your message at the top of the comments and felt like I really wanted to write to you.. Someone that has been through something similar. Maybe we could talk a bit. Bridget

  27. Our 21 year old boy strangled himself to death inside his locked room yesterday. He was a good kid, never in trouble, was making Dean’s List in college (after a rough start). He was, I thought, happy with his life up until a few weeks ago, when his girlfriend of 2 years began to dump him. She called it off last week, and this week was dating one of his friends. I thought he was handling it. He was out with his true friends just before.

    I had no idea he would do this. They had no idea he would do this. He left no note.

    I didn’t have the best relation with him. He was upset because I lost a good paying job a few years back and was just living on our savings. But I was always there for him, doing the little things. I gave him my car, cooked meals for him, had money for college. I was mostly hands-off as he was living at home, going to school and working.

    I could have done better.

  28. I lost my husband of 16 years , died of suicide 5 months ago . One early morning, I got up from bed and couldn’t find him . I thought he had been out to the grocery store or somewhere . Then he hasn’t come home for awhile and I started to really worry . I’ve called his cell phone many times and no answer. Four hours later, A police officer was knocking in front of my door then told me that my husband is deceased caused by self inflicted. My whole world caved in and I died with him that day as I’ve never been the same ever since. As of today, I’m still confused of why he isn’t around anymore. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of him and wondered where he might be ” in the dark or in the light” . I could cry so many times, be in bed most of the days, feel guilty, rejected, alone, empty, hopeless, lifeless , worthless , and be miserable but I know it will never bring him back physically alive. At times , I feel like I have no purpose to go further into life with all this pain I have to endure every single day. I have no one in my family or friends who truly understands what I’m going through . They expect me to just move on and tells me it’s not my fault and to stop procrastinating. It’s very painful for me to hear especially coming from your own family and friends and other people ( church, neighbors, relatives, co- workers etc…) who are quick to judge my husband as a bad person because of how he died. They tried to avoid my feelings when I talked about my husband over the phone as if nothing ever happened and made me feel that they’ve never been happier when they hear me cry and miserable. I felt let down by anyone so I stopped communicating with any of them. I prayed every day and asked God for his guidance and direction to help me go further into life. I missed my husband beyond belief. I expected for us to grow old together as we had planned years ago to travel around the world to figure out where we’re going to live when we retire someday. I know that no one can help me feel better but myself. I am aware of my declined of enjoying life but It is very hard for me to see my existence as of now.

    • Im totally feeling your pain after my beautiful wife gased herself in the family car leaving behind our little 9 year old daughter and a 27 year old , 15 and 13 year old . Only being 3 months the pain is totally unbelievable and the heart break of wondering why or what could of stopped it . Like you that pain will never heal and every day every minute like yoi always thoughts are their . But to stand strong and take this front on is to be strong for yourself. The pain will be their , the love will be their but to take this laying down will not change things . So like you my pain is real but please be strong and keep moving forward . Because to do anything else will not help you or your husband . I wish you well and one day happiness but like me you will never forget .

  29. Nice article, I am a survivor parent who lost my only son to suicide 6 months ago. I respect everyone’s right if they prefer not to use the word “commited” , but that is a word I do choose to refer to how my son ended his life. I get very offended and feel isolated and shut down when I read people telling other people not to use this descriptor. I think it’s very judgmental to tell a person what words are acceptable to use when they are being brave enough to put their grief out there. Please be kinder.

  30. My dad killed himself 3 months ago. I’m 19 years old. The month before he did it, he took me to the movies: bohemian rhapsody, we were both crying while we were watching it. After that he made me dinner at my mom’s house since they were still on good terms and we watched the full Live Aid concert. He cried again while the song: Love of My Life, came on. We sang really loud and ate amazing spaghetti. This was my last real fun father-daughter moment (Beside putting a bird in vodka for my final exams since I study biology but that’s another story), that I will truly cherish forever. After that I had finals so we didn’t communicate that much, but he did come to see me and my siblings everyday. (We live with our mother due to his past alcohol addiction) He had a new girlfriend since 4 years and we really thought he was doing better. His car didn’t smell like alcohol anymore and he was always talking about how he enjoyed countless golfing trips and diner dates he took with his girlfriend, we were so happy for him. The last thing he told me face to face was something about Neil Young, and the last thing he send me on facebook was a song by Neil Young. (This song was placed on the back of his death card.) The day before he did it he called me numerous times, and i ignored his calls on purpose because I was too buzzy being with my boyfriend. I didn’t ignore them on accident. He even sent me text messages to say I should pick up. But as the egocentric teenage girl I was at that moment I didn’t call him back. I will forever regret this moment. Not that I could have prevented his death, because no one could I guess. But I wish I just could’ve heard his voice one last time. One last phone call. One last “How late will you get home?” and “I miss you”. One last “I love you” at the end of our phone call. His suicide note was short and “weird”, and it ended with: “you (me and my siblings) were my best friends”. This sentence broke my heart. It gives me chills when I think about it. He really was my best friend. Dad if you read this, I will forever love you and cherish our moments together. I miss you so so so much. I am bawling my eyes out right now. Please never take a moment with your parents for granted, because I did, and I have so much regret right now. Thank you for reading.

    • JANE,
      I feel your pain. I understand the guilt, regret ALL OF IT. I lost my Fiance on May 28th 2019 its been 11 days and my heart is broken. I have no words to explain the heartache or pain and I have begged and begged to just wake up and have it all be a cruel joke. We had plans, we had our life left to live. Now 29 years old with a 7 year old and a 6 month old Im left feeling empty, affraid and Alone. There is nothing anyone can say or do to change this and I am so so sorry about that. I missed the signs, looked passed it all because I never believed this was ever a possibility for him. He was 34 and had been battling something I will never understand.
      I met with a life coach today (Im from Terrigal in Australia) and he told me that I will never get over this, so dont listen to advice when people say you will be ok with it or to be strong. You have to learn to GROW around it. Have it be some part of your story as messed up as that it. I feel defeated I feel like I have lost something irreplaceable and Im scared to live this lofe without him but feel what you feel. Ride those waves and sit in the hurt. Try and overlook the emotions your feeling long enough to sit and think whatever it was that made your Dad make that call was bigger then his love for you and it was a darkness that was just too much for him. I am searching for answers. I didnt get a letter or a fullstop. I am in denial and I feel all hope is lost. Its easy to say they are at peace now when we are left here with excruciating guilt and loss. I have never known loss or pain like this and I am angry upset and feel hopless. I cant seem to understand OR believe it. 1 hr at a time. Your time. Feel the feeling and allow yourself to grieve. I ignored messages also and a call probably 5 minutes before he done it and I am torturing myself for it. I believe we pass on and slip into a holding place so that when the time comes to revisit the world/life we are reborn and redo the same life! I am not religious but I believe dejavu dreams all of it is because we are living the same life over and over one soul leaves and another entres. Thats how we learn thats how we grow. Tomorrow will be better then today. Grieve your way at your pace! Xx Nic

      • Nicki
        I lost the love of my life and best friend 8 years ago today. He chose to leave me and the people he loved that day and that has always been the hardest part for me. The part that makes it impossible to get past. He promised to always be here with me and for me and he broke that promise because he was fighting a battle he could not win. He loved me with all of his heart but could not move past the things that weighed him down. I spent years blaming myself, thinking if I had just said that or just done that it would have been different. Truth is I never could have changed the out come. I know this now, but it doesn’t make it better. I miss him everyday and this time of year can be overwhelming at times. In 2 days it will also be his birthday, but I can tell u every year I think about what he would want for me and I try to do better because I know that is what he would want. Yes it does hurt and it does stay with you, it changes everything about the person you once were. Let yourself grieve take your time and don’t let anyone tell you whats right and whats not. Only you know whats best for you. My advice is try not to feel guilty about the feeling better when you get there, your allowed, your still here and no matter what was going thru his mind he did love you and it’s ok to be angry. It’s also ok to miss, love and at some point forgive him and yourself. I know you feel alone in this but I assure you there are people who understand exactly how much you are hurting.

    • Jane my heart goes out to you. I feel your pain I’ve lived it and still do. Keep strong for your dad. He’ll be watching down on you.

    • Jane, your words are literally helping me not make the choice your dad did. I am a dad who just lost my job. I keep telling myself my wife can remarry and do well financially and my five kids will have each other to lean on. I tell myself I know they’ll hate me, but that hate is necessary to get through. That later in life they will be able to understand. The important thing is that they get the insurance money and she remarries well because I have no idea how we are going to survive my sudden job loss. I’m so scared, but I don’t think I can go through with it knowing I could hurt my kids so badly. Thank you for sharing your heart.

  31. My dear brother jumped to his death from a 325 foot bridge a week ago today. The day after his suicide, my BFF killed herself the day before my brother. Two losses by suicide back to back. I am so heartbroken! I had parted ways with my BFF a couple of years ago as she was becoming (more) manipulative and drinking herself into an early grave and I just couldn’t be around her anymore. have tried to reach out to my BFF’s husband and daughters to give my condolences but can’t seem to find them home and don’t have their phone numbers. I left a card on the doorstep and hope to hear from them soon, but eve I’m not sure how supportive I can really be for them. I feel a tinge of guilt not staying in contact may have contributed to her demise and my hope is that her family isn’t somehow blaming me. Not sure if my gestures to reach out will be welcome and with the grief I’m already feeling for the loss of my brother I’m not even sure I’m even able to be supportive. Thoughts?

  32. My 23 year old elder sister whom I loved the most in my life killed herself by suicide one month ago… She was kind, loving, helpful, used to think about others happiness before her and was the best person in my life… Life is just so hard after her for me and my whole family…I m just 19 but feel like ending my life too because that incident changed my life 360 degree… I m depressed, guilty and all alone… I feel I will never be happy in my life again and life has no meaning for me still for my family I won’t do anything like this because they won’t be able to take another shock… The thing which hurts me the most is that to some extent I knew she was not ok due to her breakup and small family fights I tried to make her understand but it was not enough… I should have understood her in better way… She told no one in family but me and my cousin… She used to say to me that I don’t know if after your birthday I would be there or not but I didn’t take it seriously and thought she is joking to tease me because she was so mature and so caring I thought she is elder than me and knows better this is not right and she killed her in the same month….. But I was not able to see the pain she was going through, she was depressed and wanted to get back to her jerk ex bf…. And now I am going through same kind of pain… I m depressed… I just want to talk to her because we didn’t talk for 3 days I was busy with my exams and was not there for her when she needed me… I know I am the worst sister anyone could get but I really loved her alot I want to do something for her and want to say sorry to her…. Just one chance I need but unfortunately I don’t even know if I will ever meet her again or not…

    • Chan,

      This is never the answer to any situation. There are alternatives. Please reach out to someone for help. [email protected]

      I’m here to help also. Just don’t make the same mistake. Please.


    • I lost my closest brother 2 years ago to what was most likely suicide by cop. I miss him so much, I can relate with you 100% if you ever need someone to talk to plz feel free to email me at [email protected]

  33. My 23 year old elder sister whom I loved the most in my life killed herself by suicide one month ago… She was kind, loving, helpful, used to think about others happiness before her and was the best person in my life… Life is just so hard after her for me and my whole family…I m just 19 but feel like ending my life too because that incident changed my life 360 degree… I m depressed, guilty and all alone… I feel I will never be happy in my life again and life has no meaning for me still for my family I won’t do anything like this because they won’t be able to take another shock… The thing which hurts me the most is that to some extent I knew she was not ok due to her breakup and small family fights I tried to make her understand but it was not enough… I should have understood her in better way… She told no one in family but me and my cousin… She used to say to me that I don’t know if after your birthday I would be there or not but I didn’t take it seriously and thought she is joking to tease me because she was so mature and so caring I thought she is elder than me and knows better this is not right and she killed her in the same month….. But I was not able to see the pain she was going through, she was depressed and wanted to get back to her jerk ex bf…. And now I am going through same kind of pain… I m depressed… I just want to talk to her because we didn’t talk for 3 days I was busy with my exams and was not there for her when she needed me… I know I am the worst sister anyone could get but I really loved her alot I want to do something for her and want to say sorry to her…. Just one chance I need but unfortunately I don’t even know if I will ever meet her again or not… Plz tell me what to do

    • Chan, I’m so very sorry for the loss of your sister, how heartbreaking! All the things you are feeling are normal after a tragic loss such as this but know this – it’s not your fault and it’s nobody’s fault. Not one thing pushes a person to take their own life but often a series of things, along with distorted thinking. Your sister wasn’t thinking rationally for if she was she would have considered the heartbreak she would be causing those that loved her. Take time to grieve, to cry, to be angry. No emotion is wrong if that’s what you’re feeling. Allow yourself to feel the full scope of your feelings. Some days will be better than others and over time you will begin to smile and laugh again. It is your right to live the best life you know how. Honor your sister by living your best life.

      • Thank you. Similiar to Chan. My nephew confided in me that he’d put a belt around his neck. He begged me to not tell anyone. I kept his secret. Six weeks later he hanged himself. I am so sad and remorseful.

  34. My ex-wife took her life 2 weeks ago un-expectedly. Divorced for about 9 years she had re-married 6 years ago. We shared 2 great kids boy & girl 21 and 24 currently. She had suffered from depression for years and a licensed RN one would think she’d be the first to admit a problem, nope! I couldn’t deal with the emotions as a result of this disease and had to file for separation. So with that being said, I continued to love this woman as I did when we met but just knowing we could never live together was tough.

    Then 2 weeks ago I get a call from my son. broke my heart that a 20 yo boy had to tell his father his mom was gone. Nothing could have prepared me for the emotions I would be living with for the rest of my life. Why didn’t she call me? the questions came faster than I could process. But at the end of the day it was about the kids, how do I go from a dad with an ex-wife and two kids with a mother, who was active with them up until the last 20 minutes of her life to this?

    The pain she must have felt I can’t even begin to imagine. She had attempted during our 18 year marriage but the effort was never there. I just can’t wrap my head around the fact that an accomplished nurse and the mom of 2 of the best kids one could ask for, could do this? but that’s how powerful (it) is!!! I suffered a major heart attack and PE clot last year and thought wow at least my ex wife would have been here if I hadn’t have made it, heck she was at the foot of my bed when I woke up, I was at her hospital. And now this, what do I do now? my kids OMG.

    My son turned 21 4 days after we buried his mom, my daughter turns 25 in 2 weeks, it’s going to be a long road something I never thought I would have to be privy to. Don’t ever become to complacent and think your in control because in the blink of an eye your life and those around you can change forever. God bless & Love you L and know that “I got this”!

  35. So much I want to say , but after all these years I still think about it. Every funeral I go to or hear about I flash back to Mary’s , my wife , in 1998. Every time I see someone hold a gun to their head either in a kid or joking. It’s not always bad thoughts , I miss spending time her , the way I felt around her. She needed me and I need her. Finding out bad things afterwards or cleaning up , picking fragments out of the wall in the other room. The way peop,e looked at me. She has come to me in my dreams or my mind has tricked me into thinking that – but I miss her still
    I’ve relived every fight wondering what triggered it , why ? I’m broken and will never be the same.

  36. three months ago one of my best friends, who was long distance, killed himself. he was only seventeen and it hurts it hurts so bad he was basically my older brother and i miss him so much it hurts and then another friend of mine went to prison not long after and it sucks i know i still have friends and all but sometimes all i can think of is when i found out my friend killed himself like i had just gotten a math test and a friend had messaged me and everyone else in the friend group that he was in the hospital and we didn’t know if he was dead and all i remember is thinking that he can’t be dead no way he always bounces back. i remember just not believing it and i remember breaking down in my moms arms and it sucks it sucks so bad i’m so angry and upset i just miss him i want my older brother back.

    • Hey, Jae. I’m sorry for your loss. I’ve been through a similar experience, my best friend abruptly took his own life just a few days ago. Jacob was essentially the foundation of my growth. I was struggling with every sort of disorder and constantly overwhelmed and exhausted, and when I began recovering from my severe depression, Jacob was the catalyst of my happiness. To me, he was a lot like your friend- an older brother, a very young man who brought light into this world. All of the pain and anger and relief and stress you will experience is normal, and although I may not be a counselor or a therapist, you can contact me at [email protected] if you need to talk about it. I hope things get better.

  37. My brother took his life 3 years ago, he wrapped his head with a towel and proceeded to shoot himself, he was just 27 years old. He had told me that he had thought about suicide before, I got him an appointment with a physician who gave him antidepressant medications. A month later he ended his life. He was ten years younger than I, being the older sister I took care of him, babysitted him growing up… role has always been caretaker. A year later my husband died of heart attack and my other brother went to prison for drugs he started using after my baby brothers death. Following all of this I found out I have bipolar with mixed features, Ptsd, social anxiety and agoraphobia, my dad also found out he is bipolar as well. I feel the hopelessness my brother must have felt, it’s no kind of life to be eternally sad, no joy, no color. I blame myself for not taking his telling me that he had thoughts of suicide in a more critical way. I blame myself for not sending him to a better doctor. I have isolated myself, some days getting out of bed is impossible. I feel like a shell of a person just here. I have recently went on lithium, lifting depression slightly. I cry daily of course hiding it from my family. I just want half the person I use to be before his death. I don’t know how to get out of this sad rut I’m in. I hope anyone who has lost someone to bipolar can just know that meds after meds, some get no relief. Insomnia and the overwhelming sadness day after day, some not able to function is no quality of life. It is torture, not to mention the bipolar or depression causes you to hurt physically, including severe headaches, stomach problems etc. It’s overwhelming, most think of anyway to feel relief. Even knowing this, the grief is horrendous, so many shoulda, coulda, woulda, not to mention the answers I so desire. I just don’t know how to get back to me, the old me…..I’m stuck in my grief, a complete sad rut. My life is like the movie Groundhog Day, everyday the same. I am so sorry to all of you who have had the tragic loss of a loved one, sincerely!

    • this comment was touching. I’m depressed too and you put into words exactly how I’m feeling. what kind of life is this; a life without color..

  38. We lost our son, and two years later our daughter in law remarried and her husband died exactly like our son 6 weeks after they got married. It was like we lived it all over again.

    • My son passed by suicide . He married a girl he was seeing for a very short time. I was against the marriage. I shot himself before his anniversary after learning she was cheating. I blame her as she has no emotions due to his death. I keep having these feelings that her next marriage will end in the same result. She had filed for divorce moved out and was happy go lucky to collect the life insurance .when he did this she ddnt even call us. I was contacted by the coroner in my county. My son lived out of state. The wife happily signed over his body, belongings. When I flew to the state he lives she for a living sells guns and knew he was severely struggling and never told us. I requested the 911 call and she knew. Is it wrong to feel she is responsible?

  39. Im sorry, but i say “my mother committed suicide”. If it adds depth to the grief, clearly it is wrong!!!!

  40. My husband killed himself in the garage 2 weeks ago today, I found this site sooooo many suicides, I guess I am not alone grieving here. My husband was very unhappy although he was a very polite kind loving husband who really cared about me. The stigma of this kind of death is awful people have been wonderful to me but also shun me and look away. I know this is early in my grief and I not a regular person that posts stuff but wow so many people suffer after something like this. My husband was having a lot of issues was lonely, felt isolated from technology he was 67 I am 61, He was disabled most of his life from 21 on, So I was the bread winner we were so close to retirement I thought I could keep him on track for a few more months, till I could stop working and be with him full-time, Now I must rebuild a life without him after 35 years of being together, I read somewhere that basically his pain exceeded his resources for coping with it. That has given me a little bit of comfort. I miss him dearly and listen to the last voicemails and messages he left for me for comfort. This is a long slow process and I really feel for anyone who has to live this, We need to make sure people understand this better and make help easier to get. Well that is my hope anyways. I hope if you are reading this you will forgive your loved one and yourself if you feel you have any blame, I wish I had something better to say to help you if you are living through this.

    • What a lovely message. My son took his life. I am working on forgiving myself even though my friends say there is nothing to forgive. As a mum I should have done more. Your husband was very lucky to have such a kind wife for so many years.

  41. One week ago my grandfather jumped in front of the metro. He was 87. We suspected he was suffering from depression and was fed up because of my uncle who gave him a hard time was not a good son to him. My grandfather was emotionally abused by him. He had been frustrated for a long time. He said that he wanted to die but we never imagined in our dreams that this will actually happen. I met him a day before he decided to end his life. Spoke to him on the phone half an hour ago before he left the house to do this. I can’t stop thinking about how this could have been avoided. He didn’t deserve to die like this. I miss him.

  42. My Jaeson would be 23 years old in May, but yesterday he called me saying he was killing himself and that he would never see me again but he loved me. He wouldn’t tell me his location but that he’s hours away from home and he’s going to do it where no one can find him. It’s been 24 hours and there’s no signs of him or his vehicle. I’m scared to death. No one has heard from him or can get in touch with him. I’m the last one to have spoken to him. I just want to find him and get him the help he needs before I post his story here in the comment section too.

    • I’m so sorry for what you are going through. I know what it’s like. You’re in my prayers I hope you find your son. I truly do. I have a similar story, If you’re interested please don’t hesitate to email me [email protected]

  43. My heart goes out to each every one of you. My mom took her own life 9 years ago. At the time we weren’t on speaking terms. Because of the abuse I endured and the most hurtful words any mom could say to her child.
    So I’ve carried that guilt of not being there or even not being on good terms. I was the one that got the calls when ever my mom would attempt to kill herself. I always wonder if she would have gone through with it even if we were on good terms, would it be harder for me to move forward?
    I’ll never know. But I do know that my mom was determined to end her life. Some even think that she would have take me with her if I was there. ( That’s really a scary thought). I personally don’t think she would have done that. Seeing the aftermath of it all was unbearable. I will say this, seeking out a life coach was the best thing I could have done for myself. My moms suicide has taught me a lot about myself. I don’t miss the Monster my mom could be , but I do miss the times when she would love me with out limits. Even if those times were short and brief. I know everyone experiences and grieves differently, but if anyone wants to chat. I’m here. I’ll listen.

  44. I lost my common law partner to suicide 5 months ago and I miss him so. Life seems like I am on automatic pilot just going through the motions, with little or no joy. I also mourn the future that I will never have with him, especially since we were so close to our retirement that had so much promise to be filled with fun adventures. We had such a loving relationship that it is hard for me to understand that it was not enough for him to continue to live for. It is also hard for me to understand that I was not enough to have saved him. Yes he did suffer from anxiety and near the end depression symptoms were present but he was being treated for the best part of a year, including by a psychiatrist, so I thought all was under control. Maybe because that is what I wanted to believe, I did not see the situation clearly.. I did notice that he was a bit distant at times but I had blamed that on the medication. I was so busy with work for a few days leading up to the end that maybe I was less attentive than I should have been. I had a pre-planned obligation out of town when it happened. I feel so guilty for: not seeing the signs; not taking the time required to really explore how he was feeling before I left town, and for leaving when he obviously needed me most. We did go out for supper before I left and I did ask if it was ok if I go as planned, to which he nodded yes. At this point I am not sure if it was something that was preplanned or something that he decided to do after I left town. I was not gone 24hrs when it happened. I am not sure how I will get through this and I question my self-worth for not being or doing enough to save him.

  45. My brother took his life on 03.01.19.
    I cant even put into words how i feel about it.
    I could have saved him i know i could of, he messaged me at 04.18 am telling me he loved me. I woke at around 7 and seen it, thought to myself this was out of character and then seen the heart he posted on facebook.
    If i hadnt of been so busy with my life i could have phoned my mum who was in the house with him and told her.
    12.36pm i get the phone call , “there is something wrong with your brother he is unresponsive”.
    My life crumbled.
    I drove to the house after what felt like forever, soon after he was pronounced dead.
    My only sibling. My bestfriend. My idol. My brother.
    Not long after my mum then overdosed , and ever since im going back and forward every day to get her daily perscription.
    I have 3 children to look after also.
    I just feel fed up, numb, and i just want to be with my brother.

    • My brother and only sibling died by suicide on 2-19-19. I have 2 kids. I know exactly what you’re feeling. It is a lonely feeling. Know that someone else out there knows how you feel.

  46. my boyfriend and best friend died by suicide yesterday. i do feel like i’m going crazy. nothing makes sense to me. his friends and family blame and i blame myself too. I was the last person he texted before he took his life. i was the last thought he had before he pulled the trigger, how can i not hold some sort of blame. i want a re-do. i just want one more chance. i’m angry and i’m sad and i feel like i’m broken into a million little pieces. When i try to piece myself back together i feel like i’m missing a half the pieces. i feel like i will never be the same after this. and that scares the shit out of me. does anybody know of coping tools?

    • Hi Cristina, my sister jumped in front of a train last week and those who were close to her are all still in shock. I am reading everything I can find right now about suicide, there is a lot of helpful information out there. Here is a summary from one article, I hope it might help you …

      Beyond surviving
      • Know you can survive. You may not think so, but you can. • Question why it happened until you no longer need to know why or until you are satisfied with partial answers. • Know you may feel overwhelmed by the intensity of your feelings—and that all your feelings are normal. • You may feel confused and forgetful. This is common when you are mourning. • You may feel angry with the person, with the world, with God, with yourself. It’s okay to express it. It is also okay not to feel angry. • You may feel guilty for what you think you did or did not do. Let guilt turn to forgiveness of yourself and others. • Having suicidal thoughts is common. It does not mean you will act on those thoughts. If the thoughts continue, seek help and support. • Remember to take one moment or one day at a time. • Find a good listener with whom to share. Call someone when you need to talk.
      Don’t be afraid to cry. Tears are healing. • Give yourself time to heal. • Remember: The choice was not yours. No one is the sole influence in another’s life. • Expect setbacks. If emotions return like a tidal wave, you may be experiencing a remnant of grief, which is a normal part of grieving. • Put off major decisions if you can. • Give yourself permission to get professional help. • Be aware of the pain of your family and friends. • Be patient with yourself and with others who may not understand. • Set your own limits and learn to say “No.” • Steer clear of people who want to tell you what or how to feel. • Do not accept blame from yourself or others. • Know that there are support groups that can be helpful. If not, ask a professional to help start one. • Call on your personal faith and values to help you through. • It is common to experience physical reactions to your grief, such as headaches, loss of appetite and difficulty sleeping. • The willingness to laugh with others and at yourself is healing. • Wear out your questions, anger, guilt or other feelings until you can let them go. Letting go doesn’t mean forgetting. • Know that you will never be the same again—and that you can survive and even go beyond surviving.
      Adapted from I. Bolton & C. Mitchell. (1983). My Son…My Son: A Guide to Healing after Death, Loss or Suicide. Atlanta, GA: Bolton Press. With permission from Iris Bolton.

    • Dear Cristina,
      my boyfriend and best friend committed suicide six months ago. You´re the first person I could find that experienced the same. I feel so sorry for you. It is so hard when there´s nobody who can understand this pain. If you want to talk or something, that´d be nice. I really hope you can cope in some way. All the best.

    • My ex boyfriend killed himself July 29, 2019. Self inflicted gunshot to his head. I spoke to him that morning and he was happy, he loved boating and was out with friends having fun and drinking. He was successful and had an amazing family. I know he recently started seeing a therapist. He drank excessively and frequented hookers. He knew he needed to change and he was trying to. Overall, he was happy. I’ve never seen him upset or sad even. He had everything going for him. I don’t k is why he did this. He didn’t leave a note, he was found 2 days later. I don’t know if he thought about killing himself or if it was a random decision. He was the sweetest man I have ever met in my entire life. I miss him so much. I just want to make some sense of this.

  47. My 28 year old son was found hanging in the woods after going missing from a sober home 3 weeks earlier. This was 12/7/2018. He had battled mental health for 8 years. We put him in a sober home as a final resort where he was to address his self medicating and mental health issues. He was never properly diagnosed for 8 years as he would never follow through with treatment. We suspect he was bipolar with psychotic episodes. My heart is crushed and life will never be the same. I am in counseling and finding this more bearable. Please seek help! My mother died 4 days after my son’s funeral. I believe his death contributed to her death. I have barely begun to mourn her as I’m so consumed by him. Counseling definitely helps. If you don’t have the means for personal counseling, there are free support groups out there. Seek them out and help yourself live a better life.

  48. Savannah Elizabeth SpeightApril 1, 2019 at 10:15 amReply

    My best friend died to suicide 4/1/19 due to child abuse. I hope Gabriel can hear me, and that his mother and father go to justice, I love you, Gabe you will always be in my heart, you killing yourself has hurt me deeply, but now youŕe hopefully happy and in peace. You were with me and I wish that you were still standing by my side, Gabe, I love you.

  49. Thanks for the article. My heart goes out to all those who have commented :'(

    My mother killed herself after numerous attempts 5 years ago. I am still grieving for her.
    I understand that for someone to take their life, they are in unbearable pain. A friend once told me they thought suicide was the most selfish act a person could do. I’ve thought about that comment, and yes, it is selfish… but for those who are suffering enough to find living unbearable, I understand it appears to be the only way out. Finding empathy and understanding after the sadness and anger passed has greatly helped with the healing process.

    I have felt alone in my grief, but funnily enough I met my boyfriend recently and discovered that he also lost his mother to suicide. It seems to be too common.

    The best advice I can offer through my experience is to feel your feelings, whatever they may be.
    We are human. We are vulnerable. But we are strong. There is strength in surviving loss.
    I still cry quietly, sometimes. I miss my mum. I open my heart and feel the pain of loving someone who was broken. Yet I won’t let it break me. And neither should you.

    Forgiveness and healing will come.

  50. My former fiance took his life 1/2/12 by gunshot on his parent’s property ( they owned a ranch). He was supposedly intoxicated at the time and beside him they found his bible and three letters to me. If that wasn’t traumatizing enough, I was never informed of his death nor told about his funeral. His parents blamed me and still do to this day, because I ended our engagement because my then fiance became active in his alcoholism. He and I were maintaining a long distance relationship so I never knew he was drinking the whole time, despite claiming sobriety. He came to visit me two weeks before the wedding and he was drunk when he came off the plane. He denied it for three days. Finally on the night before he left he admitted he’d been lying to me for months. I broke off the engagement (lost all my parent’s money towards the wedding) because I asked him to get help. I am a single mom and couldn’t expose my child to that danger. His first of three suicide attempts was a month later, the second a month after that and the third the day after new years. I tried to reach him after hearing about the first attempt but he never contacted me. The letters that he left for me said he didn’t want to live on this earth without me. His mother finally admitted to their existence when I called her after reading his obituary on the internet six months after his death. She didn’t keep but one of them, and the one she kept she sent and it was very painful. I have never been the same. Never been able to have a successful relationship. It’s been 7 years and both people I dated after were openly threatened that I still had feelings for the man that left this earth. I am forever changed. I have considered suicide many times but could never leave my child. Life can be so cruel.

    • Katie, I read your comment and I can imagine how you feel. My girlfriend was beautiful, charismatic and beautiful. She had been with me for 12 years, but killed herself, mostly because of my rejection. She had had many emotional problems and tried to kill herself several times. I prevented them, but finally started to distance myself from her. When she hanged herself in our apartment on January 29th, 2010 and I found her body, it was like being blown apart. I felt so guilty that I wanted to kill myself immediately, but I didn’t want to inflict on my elderly parents the agony that I felt. Nevertheless, I still feel dead. I was a paratrooper when I was younger and I am not a weak man, but I want to weep most of the time, though I never do, and I always feel as if I am just pretending to live. Katie, I don’t know what the answer is to our problem. It has been nine years since my girlfriend died, and I do sometimes enjoy things, though my outlook on life is still one of deep sadness and hopelessness. I guess time has helped a little. I know that the standard reassurances snd two psychiatrists didn’t help me at all. Katie, just hang on for your child and things will get a little better as you watch your child grow up. That is a good reason to keep on going.

  51. I have read all of your stories ….. And, I have cried my eyes out, literally … I still don’t understand. My beautiful 25 year old son with two small children, took his life, 4 days before his daughters 5th birthday. He loved both of his children dearly. I have a ton of pictures of him playing with the kids … you can SEE the love. Yet, he took his life, just when I thought he was happy and doing well. I am devastated that I didn’t see this coming. I stopped it so many times before. He was determined. And his wife ended up pregnant 3 mos after he died (not his child). Should I read something into that? … I don’t have the energy. I miss him sooo much. And, I am not allowed to see his children, which is even more painful. Little Jack is a clone of his daddy. I’m a strong person, but this is a lot to deal with. I struggle with the question, was this due to his bi-polar issues, or was this due to his current circumstances that he didn’t know how to handle? Do I need to join a group? I’m good most of the time, but sometimes, it still hurts incredibly : /

  52. My little sister shot herself in the head a week ago. She was intoxicated and from what I hear she plated with her gun. I hear she did it alot. She told my mom she never loads it. She was 25 and a single mom with a 1 year old daughter. She was in a abusive relationship. She left the guy and as it turns out he was there that night. His story keeps changing. Its a open investigation. I know my sister would not intentionally shoot herself. I strongly believe someone put the bullet in the gun. I did not even know she had a gun. I am in such disbelief. All I can do is cry. My chest hurts and my stomach is in knots.

    • My heart breaks for you Tessa. My grandaughter’s boyfriend shot himself while she was in the bathroom, horrible, that was a year ago, she is doing okay now but it has been a long haul. My brother hung himself on Jan 7, 2109, my heart if so filled with grief it is comsuming. Your grief is your own and I find myself always looking up life after death and studying the hereafter. It seems to calm me. Be strong and find your very own way to grieve. I send prayers to you!!!!!!!

      • Thank you! My heart hurts. I will not stop until I fine the truth in what happened. I am interested in the after life. I am going to also contact a spiritual church and see if I can get some closure. This is consuming me. I am a mess right now. I cannot stop shaking. Does this feeling ever go away. My sister was my best friend.

  53. My boyfriend died by suicide on 12/13/18 we was together for 2 and half years I broke up with him and he went to get a gun and pulled the tiger I heard him but I didn’t pay attenuation I thought he wanted my attention because he has done this before. I was getting my gym shoes. I heard him go back to the cabinets. Then i heard him put the bullets in the gun and shot himself so quick before could f stop him. I could of stop him I hate myself everyday for not believe him for not stopping him earlier before he even put a bullet. I heard BOOM and heard him fall I still didn’t think he did it until i got up and look in front of our bed and i seen him laying down bleeding. I yelled his name I covered his wound to help him stop bleeding. I loved that man and I still do. I never thought this was gonna happen. It hurts living with this pain everyday. I could of done more I could of believed him. I feel like I’m living a bad dream everyday.

  54. I want to end my life daily. i have had a life of sadness, subdugation, 2 suicides -1 step daughter 22 11months and my son 35yrs. i had 3 family members die unneccessarily tragically due to incorrect intervention and the lack of appropriate intervention. I am not angry I am just broken hearted and depleted of internal flame or energy. i have looked at ways to end my life via a suicide machine, suffocation via carotid artery, overdose of prescription and non presciption drugs plus many other preparations. The reason I havent taken my life is because of three close people whom i respect and dont wish to hurt. Sometimes the pain is nearly to overwhelming to bear and the choice of being with my loved ones is ever increasing and the excuses to stay are dwindling. I would like to have my closest people to understand my leaving. I havent improved in six years since my sons death and dont forsee improvement to my quality or quantity of life. I have nil to give this world and want nothing from this world.
    I understand why my son and step daughter took their lives they are labelled as mentally ill but they were driven to suicide by other influences such as bullying. Not having the appropriate intervention or tools to overcome the negativity from bullying is what drove them to taking their own lives. Humans are cruel apathetic, it is easier to disassociate from a person who is not doing well emotionally. Comes down to being told you have to see someone and get a prescription to fix your chemical inbalance of the brain. Why ask if you are OK when in truth people dont care and are cautious to stay unaffected.
    Why do I have to stay here in life, saddened, suffering emotional pain when I could follow my son and experience happiness more than I have ever been on this earth. I hate suicide for others but I believe that I have a right to decide my own fate. I wont cost the public any money as I have paid my funeral and have life insurance covering any costs attributed to my death, no funeral no hoorahs no coffin just cremation, and a special trip to the murray and my sons grave spreading my ashes.

    • I feel your pain Michelle. I have thought of suicide for about 5 years now. My husband is ill with MS and I have been looking after him for 18 years. No love, no intimacy, sometimes I hate this world. 1 year ago my grandaughter’s boyfriend shot himself while she was in the bathroom, we went through hell with her. On Jan 7th my baby brother hung himself. I have wanted to die so many times I planned to get fentynol to help me. I have 8 grandkids who love me and my 3 kids and I can’t imagine hurting them and them feeling like I feel. Every day is saddening and the pain if overwhelming. I research life after death every night and it some how soothes me. I sleep with his sweater every night and I talk to him even though he is not here. Would you or do you believe in life after death?? Remember god only takes the best!!! Huggzz to you Michelle. Feel free to e-mail me.

    • Your life is precious. You are precious. Your pain is real and I am sorry you feel it. I was too wrapped up in myself to show my concern and love for my sister and now its too late. Michelle, you are right that life is cruel, but remember that your life is a gift, and even though you are in pain, there are people who understand. I hope you feel the love that I am sending you.

    • Michelle, I lost my beloved daughter in July 7th 2019. We had lost my husband of 59 years her Daddy a little over a year ago.
      I had taken care of my little girl for 35 years with his help. She was 37. When we lost him to a sudden heart attack right in front of both of us we fell apart. I let her down,I failed her,now I am alone and looking for a way to go. I am 75 and don’t want to be here. All the ways I found could fail,leave me in a coma etc. I don’t know what to do. I bought books about it none really help. I have never had or believed in guns,my baby died by hanging. I don’t know how to do that plus I am weak and hands arthritic.
      It sounds like you do have people in your life,I hope you decide to live for them. I hope I find a way or find the will to wait for Gods will.

  55. my dad has cancer and i am only 16 turning 17 next month and my sisters and mom tell me i dont care about my dad haveing caner and i have been through

    • Your sisters and mom are coping in their own way. Seventeen was a challenging year for me, you go through so many changes, but as you grow up, you realize that people act in certain ways for reasons that are totally unrelated to you, because of their own insecurities. My older sister was sometimes mean to me, and I was mean to her. But we both had different reasons for being that way to each other. I wish you a future filled with happiness that you make for yourself, and that you share with those you love. You have great power.

    • I was around your age when I had a friend kill herself. We had been on rocky terms for quiet sometime, but I went to offer her mother my condolences after I had heard the news. I got to the house and her mother invited me in for tea. We sat in strained silence for what felt like an age and a half. Eventually she put her teacup back on its saucer and, staring at the untouched liquid in it, said, “This is your fault. If you had been there when she needed you, she wouldn’t have turned to this.”

      The reason I wanted to share this with you, Albert, is because, while what Rita said does hold weight, I recognize that perhaps it doesn’t really convey the comfort you need – it wouldn’t have for me, anyway. There are only so many allowances you can afford someone in their grief. At some point it stops being about them. You are in pain too. That pain is your own and it’s just as valid as your family’s. Maybe your relationship with your dad is strained, but that doesn’t mean your feelings toward him are lacking – relationships are always complicated, and it’s okay to be angry or spiteful toward him; it’s okay to still be upset that he is sick while still being angry and distant; it’s okay to not be all too bummed out about it, too. Just because he’s sick doesn’t mean that whatever your relationship was with him before he was diagnosed is automatically reset into something wonderful. People don’t work like that.

      Last year, as a senior in high-school, someone I looked at as a little sister wasn’t able to beat out her cancer. She died in the middle of my finals week. I wasn’t able to attend her funeral, for a variety of reasons. It’s hard to watch a loved one go through that, but at the end of the day, all of it has its place in life. Maybe there won’t be a specific answer for why your dad got sick, or why your family is lashing out at you, but that doesn’t have to invalidate what you’re going through. It might be your dad that’s sick, and he could be the worst person on the planet in your eyes, but you are grieving, too. This grief, this pain, this confusion, all of it is going to have its place. Nobody other than yourself can tell you what exactly that place is, because what you’re experiencing belongs solely to you, despite the commonality of the situation you share with other people.

      It’s up to you to figure out what you want to do with your grief, how you want to handle it, where you want to settle it beside yourself and in your life, and what role you want to take in seeing this situation out, but, no matter what you decide, you can take comfort in knowing that you made those decisions for yourself. You are the most important person in your life – yes, you should think about others and do all that you can to help them, too, but you should always come first on the basest level. (it sounds absurd to say, but when my grief was fresh, I was taking a psychology course – Maslow’s hierarchy of needs was something that, even just glancing at, made me feel a little better because, in a round about way, it allowed me to understand that, while I can and should help other people, I also needed to help myself. I don’t know if that’s something you’d be interested in, but it’s there if you’d like to look at it.)

      Cheers, Albert. Hopefully your dad will overcome this. Hopefully you’ll manage to settle yourself the way you need, too.

  56. April 6, 2017 I returned home from work at 8pm to find my youngest son (20 year old) hanging on his bedroom door. He had recently returned home after living with girl friend and her family for 3 years. In a journal he had kept he wrote “she said it was 5 years of hell. What the fuck did I do!!” Then the next page was torn out. He wrote his suicide letter on it. She had called their relationship of. I took her with us on trips. They appeared to be happy. I tried to talk with him and kept being shoved away. He did not want to listen at all. His note said life hurt too much. I worry about my other son who seems to be ok because I do not want to loose him either. I talk about it to people and do not hide it. I have met so many people who know someone who died by suicide. I invite them to my place for one on one talking and so they can walk the paths in woods to feel relaxed and one with good. I tell myself and other I had to let it go to God that night.

  57. My son died from depression related to bi-polar disorder on 9-4-2017. It’s hard for me to say he died by suicide, because it was depression that took his life. This happened on Labor Day at my father’s house in the country. My husband and I took my son who was 27 out there for the day. Several of my nieces and nephews were there with their families and they were all down at the lake. My son took one of my father’s guns – which had always been in the house. There were also bullets next to the guns. This is something I never ever thought of. He walked down to a hay bale and sat up against it and killed himself; shooting himself in the back of the head. When we went to look for him later that evening, I just saw him sitting there. My husband is the one who went up to him as he thought he was perhaps sleeping, he looked that peaceful. I will never, ever forget that day, and how I never saw my son other than when we first got there, but also that I never had any indication or nudging that I should be worried about him or go looking for him. However, after the event, I started to piece together many things, including possible suicide attempts that I couldn’t see for what they were. I had become used to his deep depression, and he hid it well. Sometimes he was better, but when I look back, it’s so obvious how bad he was. Yet, we couldn’t see it. I just can’t stop thinking that I took my son to the place where he took his life, and I helped him do it. There was a gun and bullets just waiting for him. It’s awful.

    • My heart is heavy for you. I lost my big sister. We were naive also, but we are trying to remember good memories of her, and hard lessons that she has taught us. Sending you love.

    • Kim, you are not to blame for your son’s death, for which I am deeply sorry, otherwise I am to blame for my son’s death because of depression. We did not know how depressed our son was, or of his fears, which we are piecing together only now. Our son hung himself in August of 2015. We can only guess at how much emotional pain he was in because he hid it so well. I have three beautiful granddaughters who will be teens in a few years and am crippled by thoughts that perhaps one of them will develop depression as mental illness is so prevalent in my family. My heart goes out to you but you have so much to offer the living so please don’t give up, dear friend.

  58. I’m sorry for my bad wrote and poor english..!!!
    I just had the worst story and tragedy in my life… I live in Toronto for 7 years, got married 5 years ago with my dream girl and have 2 beautiful girls… our life was an example to every one with just working as workers and a very little income but more enough to cover our expenses.. The honour and the fact that we was real and clear souls, without being jealous for the others success in their life’s we just enjoying every moment whit what we have, making our friend’s feeling jealous for us…
    (I’m saying this because they thought (our friends) that they have better life from us because of our economic situation)
    After long time our hard work and honest personality make the success that we could’t believe…
    I want to explain to you my friends what really happens to my life because i would like to have a clear and help full answer…
    After all this years and seeing my life and economic situation being better every year and only because my hard work and honest personality that many people don’t really like it because i could help them if i was not so honest at my work or so honest at my bosses.. anyway …!!!!
    After all i decide to invite my sister that she live’s in Santorini, Greece to visit me in Toronto.. i was wandering to ask them to stay and live with me in Toronto and live the island (Santorini) for ever… Their life’s at the island was dedicated to nothing else other than work… summer time they never had the time to check the sea how it was or drink a coffee like family or having any diner all together because of the pressure for the work (no choice)..!! At winter time was something else totally deferent from the summer.. totally empty totally alone totally no life, only couple hundreds… In few words if you live and work in those islands you have no life if you are just a worker like my sister her husband and their son….
    I told them my situation just after couple years that with the hard work and being honest you can have better life than what they have in Santorini after 14 years making the same money and no one appreciate their hard work..
    They make the decision to visit me at winter time because of their work, and see me and my family how we doing how was our life’s our married life with 2 kids being grow our kids almost alone with no help in this big city, Toronto..!!!
    At last they came and was surprised about how we have this wonderful life..
    I had my own construction company and 4 people working for me
    i bought a house just 4 months before they come to visit me, also i decide to buy a new car to my wife because was time to change her old car and buy a mercedes benz (finance of course) i put some down payment and got the car in couples days,
    she (my sister) was really happy for me and all this beautiful things that happens to me and my family…
    like i said we had a normal life with a normal job working only 8 hours per day and enjoying the Saturday and Sunday all together..
    For them our normal life was something like a dream…
    please my friends answer to me this question … my brother in law suicide by jumping from 19 floor building he went to the roof and jump, and o course die…. texting me a message that asking from me to take care of his wife and his son (my sister and my nephew) he had a really bad conversation with his wife (my sister) she said that she will divorce him and this was the last time him to be better person to them (to my sister and my nephew) is this the real factor that make him to jump and decide to finish his life at the age of 46 years old…??
    what i’m trying to find out is, what is the real factor to make some one jump from 19th floor ???
    please help me out with some answers that i can make my self to believe on it…?
    After he jump and finish his life my sister talk to me about him and make me believe something else…
    She told me that he was never close her and is son he was thinking only about the money and working from earlier in the morning till midnight… they never went for vacation they never went out for dinner or lunch or spending a weekend together…
    he was never there for no one of them, he was all way’s at work, and if he had a day of he was nervous and didn’t like to go out or take his son at the school…
    he also went with others women’s and she all way’s forgive him, but at last he never bit her or his son he never smoke or drunk or having weed’s or narcotics.. never never never he was very smart guy speaking over 5 languages in clouding Chinese that he learn only with the Chinese tourist….!!! it was very smart guy to do something so stupid just because my sister she will live him forever,
    for him she was peace of mind his son was never on his side and he knows all that and never give a shit…
    after 2 months living with us he understand who really we are ,( me and my wife) and felt the smell of family and the real love between me and my sister.. that’s way he decide to do this here in Toronto in my home in my house at the end he find the best place in the world and so safe to live them here where they should be to their family (wife’s family)
    he die February 07 2019 and asked me to take care his wife and son…
    his brother is the biggest police officer at narcotics very strong man very strong position, but he decide to live them to me…
    i believe this was the real reason to make him do this terrible act.. and not the fact that my sister asked from him to live her forever… the truth is that they meet each other at very young age and get in love with passion and braking all the rules…
    please help me find an answer …!!! I can not believe that some body can make you jump from the rooftop of the 19th floor building…. please you also can answer to my e-mail i would like to hear an answer to make my sister feel what he really has in mind when he did this act… please
    [email protected]
    please help us i have 2 little girls to explain them why alex their cousin don’t a father and where did he go and how….!!!
    thank you very much for reading my pain that i have on my shoulders…..
    thanks again

    • Dear loved one: I have no answers for you; I wish I did. Your brother- in-law was deeply distressed and felt that his death was better than his life. Our son took his life three and a half years ago; there was no obvious sign that he was deeply disturbed. I rest my hope in God’s coming kingdom; the one that we pray for in the Lord’s prayer. This is not to say that we will not struggle with a suicide death and try to make sense of it. Don’t stop doing what you are doing; stay honest in your dealings with everyone and keep loving your family. The God of the Bible will help you thru this if you seek his guidance. Don’t give up on yourself, dear one.

  59. It has been almost 2 years since my younger brother’s suicide. The fog has lifted. The pain isn’t as strong. I will never stop loving him. He has my heart until the end. I realize that he was just human, so I forgive him for whatever he was able to do or not do, during his life. I forgive his sins and omissions, and I forgive mine. I forgive myself for whatever I was able to do or not do during the time we had together. We both did our best for as long as we could, given the circumstances and the information at hand at that time. I know that he would want me to carry on with my own life. I think he would be proud that I will always remember his best qualities, attributes, and achievements. This is my job, as his big sister, and this is what I am going to do. Nobody can take that from me, ever. I will carry his memory in my heart and in my mind for as long as I will be able to, wherever I will go, for the rest of my days. I am hopeful that somewhere, wherever he may be, that he feels my love, in its truest form. The kind that never ends. I know he wishes me love, as well. Until we meet again, when it is my proper time, and not a day before, I wish him love.
    I wish all of you love, as well. You are not alone.

  60. My mother died by suicide February 11,2016.. next month will be 3 years . It never gets easier and we will never know the “Why”? .. With Gods help and my little family and few friends .. I am Moving forward . My family .. siblings .. dad , stepmom have became further away .. we’re never really close before but this tragedy really made us further apart . You never forget the tragedy and how she left us and that whole day she and my sister faught and she and her husband had issues etc.. a lot of things we found out later that she hid from us and never told us . She was in such a dark place and kept it mostly to herself . I have to keep living and keep going because my story is far from over . I have A lot to keep me here .. God is my strength

  61. My father killed himself on his birthday March 23, 2016. I was only 23 at the time and as I approach the 3 year anniversary of his death I find the pain harder and harder to deal with. At first it didn’t even seem real, but as time goes on the reality solidifies and haunts me daily. I called him on his birthday that day just to talk to him and tell him happy birthday. What I didn’t know at the time is on that phone call he was walking out to the woods by our house to hang himself. It took 4 days for us to finally find him in the tree. The last thing he ever told me was that he loved me and he missed me. I try to tell myself daily that I shouldn’t feel sorrow for my loss, but appreciate the fact I had a great father for 23 years of my life. The truth is I feel extremely guilty and at fault for inadvertently influencing my fathers demise. I read somewhere that children of parents who commit suicide are 50/50 in following in their footsteps. I fear that statistic will be true for me one day.

  62. I can’t believe so many love once’s are feeling the same pain as me ,my husband hanged him self on the 13/12/2018 it been a really bad year for as I was in hospital three times had a hysterectomy,my son had a burst appendix in hospital 8days he nearly died ,Andy my beautiful husband was attempting many times to take his life ,he was ill with addiction and suffered with mental health he had on going court cases for drink ,drug and driving ,I myself couldn’t cope so I can understand that Andy couldn’t cope with addiction and mental break down we both also lost two good friends to cancer ,I allways been strong for Andy but was tried and lost my strength if I was strong my husband would be here today I miss him so much and i am finding hard to believe he took his life and that I unable to see ,feel and touch him no more why does it hurt so much he had he problems but was the most kind loving person I knew .

  63. My beloved 16 year old grandson took his life on Nov. 15, 2018. I’m still struggling to come to terms with it. Everywhere I look I see all the things around the house that he helped me with. His bicycle is in my shed. My daughter questions whether she is still a mother. I’ve bought picture frames and printed pictures of him. I’ll carry this weight for the rest of my days. He was such a good boy. I loved him more than life itself.

  64. My girlfriend of 11 years killed herself recently and i miss her so much,i just wish we hadn’t argued over petty stuff and it hurts knowing she died alone,if i could have just 10 minutes with her to tell her how much i love her even though i still talk to her as if she were here,everything feels surreal just now and from the moment i open my eyes to the time i finally fall asleep all i can think of is my girlfriend.

    • My husband decided to take his life. He was 49. I am 37. We had been together since April. I feel your pain. We had petty arguments too. and I feel like so much guilt like I could never say or do the right thing. I love him and I think about him from the time I wake up to the time I go to bed as well. I don’t understand and I feel like I need a group that I can just go post about. We had so much planned. He was a great Airman. He just got done taking a course so he could enter into a Masters position. It was literally 2 months to the day from when we got married that this happened.

      We went out that night danced sung laughed and played pool.

      Then it all turned around when we got home and the alcohol started to get into his blood deeper. The one thing and I talk about it openly because I feel he’d want me too. Is that when he was at his drunkest he still wanted more until he passed out. But when he was sober he didn’t want to drink. He did. But he knew it was something that made him a different person.

      This is a hard thing. Especially you knew her 11!years. My husband I new in the physical forms short time. But felt so connected to him from a spiritual place. We had so much in common.

      I feel I want to come together with others and so we can share stories. Thanks for this webpage and for you sharing.

      He is an amazing father, husband, friend, lover. Omg. I am going to miss his warm arms and how he loved me. He was so passionate. He always had so much energy. He could never sleep much at night. He was the first one to work in the am and the last one to leave.

      This disease is hard for the one who carries it.

    • I’m really sorry Alfy. My boyfriend/fiancé/husband. If that makes sense..Awesome soul … passed by suicide not long ago as well. I’m still learning a lot from this. It makes you reevaluate your understanding of Life. To live as best as I can. Although a few months ago when this happened, I started to become negative. Now, it’s been 5 months and I’m starting to get my positivity back with various drops of grief which I am learning to live with. I really believe life is what you make it.

  65. My daughter Nikki chose to leave this world sometime between January 2nd and January 6th 2019. She chose to hang herself in the basement of an empty house not to far from my home. She had been struggling with addiction and anger issues for several years. I did all I could to help her and gave her the unconditional love growing up as a parent should. Her life was not perfect but it was not unperfect either. In retrospect I beginning to believe that she was suffering from a bi-polar mental health problem. That her addiction just made worse. I saw her last on December 31st 2018 and she seemed to be in a good place. I know now she really wasn’t after all. I’m doing far better than I thought I would be at this stage in the process because it is indeed a process. I’m trying to be here for my family her siblings her mother etc….. They are here for me as well. For her the hard part is over now, for us it is just beginning. You see even though we might feel that it’s tough on a particular day since we received the news, we are left behind to keep on living and loving each other and fighting the darkness in this world with the light of that love. Unfortunately for Nikki she did not love herself enough or half as much as she would try to love others, if that makes any sense? I am far from the wisest person in the world, but I’m wise enough to know that not one of us is garunteed tomorrow. So while you can in fact do it right now if you can. Go and tell those people that you love and appreciate, that you love and appreciate them. Tell that you are sorry if you’ve ever hurt them, or ignored them because you were to busy or distracted with all the petty things that seem to be thrown at us all on daily basis. You may not get the chance to if you wait till tomorrow. In fact tomorrow really never comes. You when go to sleep at night and wake up the next day tomorrow was just a dream after all because it’s now today.

    • My son Tony took his life on July 3rd 2018 he was 24 he hung himself in wooded area next to my daughter house he was the baby of the family a amazing young man with a beautiful baby boy Brooklyn he was 16months old he had split with Brooklyn mum the horrific things she said and done killed him because words can kill I’ve lost somone so precious Brooklyn lost his dad sister brother all his family friends devastated wee love miss him so much but I have opened support group in Tony’s name if a can save one person from feeling so alone well Tony never died in vane sorry for everyone’s loss to suicide its such a horrendous grief a rollercoaster that you can’t get off pain guilt feeling of not going on another day nothing will ever feel good again but Tony wouldn’t want this hurt a try my best to go on my mother lost her life to suicide when I was 4 my brother in law lost his life to hanging at 20 you just dont no what someone is feeling inside Tony was a funny happy boy he was no angel but he is now flying high in the Skye God luv him a should have saved him .

      • Linda
        My son took his life by hanging on 16th February this year. He knew Tony, they were at school together. I can’t believe that two young men are now gone from the same area in less than a year. I tried to get help for David but never got any. I devastated

    • My father killed himself… 39 years ago. I was 9.
      It still haunts me.
      Today, my mother who for decades wouldn’t talk about it (even initially telling her 4 kids a lie about how he died) sent us a news article which was a profile on her life. In it she talked openly about my father’s suicide… and I am left confounded, and saddened again.
      The death, which for so long could not be discussed, is now featured in the newspaper, from my dear mother… who lied to us initially believing she was “protecting us.”

      I am still stuck, saddened anew at the terrible legacy of suicide and its stigma… so many years on.

  66. My father killed himself almost a month ago (12/13/18). I’m thankful we have a strong, close family (a family he built with my mother), but the alternating pain, anger, sadness, numbness, disbelief is terrible. I can’t imagine the pain he must have been suffering to choose to end this life which he loved so much. He really did. The comments here have been helpful to read and know that we are not alone in surviving this awful experience. I think it was caused by a sudden change in medication without proper medical supervision or care. We are heartbroken.

  67. My friend killed himself on 01/19/18 so nearly a year ago his family never revealed how, all the people in my grade blame themselves because we were supposed to be his friends his school family that he could turn to if he needed help I found out 2 days later… On my 13th birthday and some nights it just hits so hard that he’s gone, then I lost my step dad not even 8 months later some days I don’t even wanna get out of bed because it hurts to much that he’s gone, I don’t talk as much as I used to when’s he’s here I miss him so much

    • Hi Madison,

      I lost my cousin, my best friend, on 12/22/18 from suicide. I’m sorry to hear about your friend and step dad. Something that helps me is looking for signs that he’s still with me. Although he recently just passed I have also lost both of my parents and two of my friends. So grieving is unfortunately something I tend to feel. After I got home from being with my family I went to see my therapist. I’ve seen her twice since I’ve been home. These things won’t fix our grieving but more or less help us in the process. I’m sorry the pain you’re feeling and I hope you find some comfort in speaking with someone. I know you’re trying to figure it out as we both have come to this website. Time heals.

  68. My ex-husband, and the father of our 8yo daughter died by suicide on Fri 11/30/18. We were together for 10 years and divorced 2.5 yrs prior to his death. The sheriff knocked on my door at 1130pm that day to notify me and that was how I found out. I have cried every day since his death. Even though we were divorced and often at odds, his death has truly gutted me. The thought that he suffered physically during the act, and that he had been so distraught as to choose this path has wrecked me. Even though in my head that I am not to blame, you instantly have an intense feeling of self-blame and guild. Did I somehow contribute to his state of mind? Was I so busy being mad at him that I didn’t see he needed help? But even his girlfriend that he lived with had no idea. It was a total shock and sursprise to all of us. Delivering the news to my daughter that her father had died was the worst and most painful thing I will ever have to do for my entire life. We are making it through, day by day. Corey’s Celebration of Life is scheduled for next Friday, 6 weeks after his death. I am grateful to be reaching this milestone so we can get past the “funeral” planning and arrangements and start moving on and healing.

    • My ex-husband took his life late last year as well leaving behind his beautiful children. Since his suicide I haven’t found anyone who I can relate to, this is a level of loneliness that I have nothing to compare to. I will be thinking of you and your daughter.

  69. Bryan Hugh StricklandDecember 30, 2018 at 9:38 pmReply

    My 23 year old son shot himself 12/22/18. We took him off of life support 12/23/18 as there was no hope. My ex wife and I had agreed that he should be an organ donor and we both signed the paperwork. After he was pronounced brain dead I went home and turned off my cell phone. I woke up to a voicemail from the donor org to find out my ex wife stopped the donation. There was someone in Atlanta on the table waiting on his liver. There was someone going to their hospital to get his kidneys. Someone had been identified for the pancreas. His death was a waste and his body was wasted. I am sick to my stomach about losing him and then not even having the chance to help somebody else. I’ll never understand any of this.

  70. My 33-yr old son killed himself on November 14, 2018. He had just come back to live with me 3 days after living with his brother for 3 months. He was a handsome, beautiful, caring, loving human being, with a brilliant mind, who was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder at age 17 in his senior year of high school. I knocked on his door to say goodbye as I left to work, he answered OK and said “I love you Mom” and I replied “I love you too” Two hours later, as seen on the Ring video, he walks with a shotgun he bought the day before, to the back of the garage and shot himself in the face. At work, I felt something squeezing my heart. I told my co-workers I felt something wrong, and at 5 pm rushed home and searched until I found him. I can’t unfeel what I felt, I can’t unsee what I saw. The grief is unbearable. Tsunami waves that knock me to the floor crying uncontrollably. Why – why!! I am looking for a”key” as if I find it, I can run to a “door” and open it and he will be there. Truth is that it doesn’t matter if I find “the key”; he will not be behind the door. He is dead – gone from this life and my heart is broken. I go back and forth with the areas of grief. I am especially angry with the psychotic medication TV commercials. My son was on combo of meds that stabilized him for 8 years. This year he switched psychiatrists to one that would let him experiment with the “new bipolar meds” touted on TV”. They market it like a cure to your illness if you can live through the side effects. I am grateful that we had him the time we had him. I am getting grief therapy because I don’t know how I can handle this pain.

  71. My father shot himself in the head 30 years ago this year. I was just a little girl. Now I have an 11 week old son. After all these years, my father’s death still affects me. The grownups around me at the time handled it poorly and I believe that has strongly impacted on my journey through the grief. In the past few days i found myself once again going through the small box of things i have left of my dad. I have been through that box so many times, but on this day i went through some of his study notes. The year before he died he was studying nursing. I could not believe it that after 30 yrs i found an assignment he wrote that I’ve never seen before where he detailed his mental health in the years before. ..and stated that he’d attempted to kill himself twice before but that he was on a better path now. That was written one year before his death. Finding it 30 yrs later has opened up old wounds again and i find myself worrying about my son too and he’s only 11 weeks old. Suicide leaves a terrible injury on those left behind. Adults need to help children through suicide properly too. Love to you all who have lost loved ones. It is a ravaging, harrowing death and grief.

  72. My darling perfect lovely boyfriend killed him self yesterday morning. The pain is unbearable. We loved each other so much. Soul mates. We shared it with each other about 100 times a day. To know that I’ll never hear those words from him again, never hear his voice, never be able to kiss him again, touch him kills me. There are no words strong enough for this kind of pain. I love you so much H. Why did you leave me alone? We were going to grow old together.

    • I feel you my brother hung himself on Mother’s Day . Ever since I’ve been in mental therapy and on meds, and I whenever someone makes a joke about suicide or dying It makes my depression kick in and all the memories of the funeral come back. Suicide is a very hard thing to deal with. No one knows it until they experience it.

    • I feel your pain… my awesome perfect boyfriend took his own life 4 days ago. the pain is unbearable. the questions that never will have an answer, the plans that just vanished, the hopes, everything. we loved each other so much, we made each other happy, specially after coming from really bad marriages. we found our match. the missing piece he always said… i was his missing piece who fitted perfectly in his life. i was the last one to see him, i was the last one to kiss him, hug him, touch him, talk to him, even cry with him. i received the last message, i was the last to hear his voice and the last person he said i love you. im glad i was not the one who found him, i was the last one to see his beautiful face and thats how i will always remember him. althought i can totally picture in my mind how he was found. i can not believe this is real, i keep telling myself this is a nightmare that i need to wake up from… we had so many plans that are gone… he has 2 daugthers and he 2 my 2 under his wing as his own, why couldn’t he at least think about them and ask for help? he fooled us all, he hid it so well that even seen him almost every day i could not get a hint of what was happening. the night he killed himself he told me how happy he was… he had never been this happy in his life…he had the best kids in the world, his 2 and my 2, he had the best parents, the best siblings and the best girlfriend in the world. even the relationship with his ex was the best it ever was, he said what else could i ask for. how could i know i was never see him again? that his last message of that night? was indeed a last message… im so lost, so broken and i cant even start to pick up the pieces… idk how to hold myself back together…

      • Our grief is almost identical.
        My girlfriend took her life 12/30/18. We were the happiest we have been in our lives. Telling each other that every day. Recently had been talking about marriage, figuring out moving in together one day and combining our lives together. She seemed so happy and told nearly everyone she new how happy I made her. That she finally found a real man. We both had unhealthy previous marriages. Hers were abusive and left her with major depression and anxiety. She also suffered from sexual abuse. She was unable to have children. My ex and I are on good terms. I have two children which she loved and they loved her. My daughter and her were best friends.
        It was a Saturday that she took her life and we spent one of the most beautiful day together making each other happy.
        The next day she’s gone. I’m the one who found her…..
        I’m in hell! No note, no reason therefore no answers.
        I’m so worried for my own life. I can’t think straight. She was my life!!! My future!!! Her memorial in this Saturday and I fear I may not make it.

        I’m really sorry to here about your loss. This is really hard. Sounds like both of us had our sole mates and now they are gone with no answers.
        If I can help you cope in anyway please reach out. I’m looking for help too.

  73. I just lost my son to apparent suicide, although he is listed in the archives as missing. On the 13th of this month(December), he sent me a text saying “I hype to have a good day. I love you (: ” I didn’t think mush of it at the time because we texted each other all the time. Thing is, I didn’t see his text until 30 minutes later. He also sent texts to other people, I found out during the later part of the day. My son was supposed to be at work at noon lost Thursday, but instead drove to the 2nd Street bridge in Louisville, Ky(where we live). Witnesses say that he drove half why across the bridge, stopped his car, got out and went over to the rail. One witness says he was on the other side of the rail when he saw him with his back to the water. They’ve been searching the Ohio River beneath the bridge where they think he may be every day, unless it rains, I believe, but haven’t found him. I was praying for a miracle but its been 8 days. I’m not ready to accept that my sweet, respectful, loving, intelligent son would go and do something like this. He didn’t show any signs prior nor did we see any. He talked to us every single day even when he was annoyed by his job. I hate that I don’t get to understand or know why he did what he did and I even have my moments when I’m angry with him for not talking to me about the one thing I needed to know after he talked to me about everything else. In so much pain right now.

    • I’m so very sorry for what your going through. It’s never easy and it changes not only your life, but soul forever. Sometimes we will never know and will only hold ourselves down in grief if we live by the “what ifs”

      You should look into grief counseling. It will help you connect with your emotions, feelings etc…sometimes they even have group sessions where others can speak and talk and you build a support system just to ease the pain and burden.

      Sending you love and hugs right now.

    • I just looked on Google, and they have no record of anyone jumping or thought to have jumped from there for quite a few months. It’s been down to one lane for construction, and painting……maybe you could look into the people saying they seen him on the bridge? If his car was left on the bridge and he walked/ran and jumped, the cops would have found his vehicle, and there are no presumed jumpers right now either…..

    • My son my love took his life a week ago and I can’t find a lot on no reason why we didn’t have any clues he had no mental illness he showed no signs so I understand what you’re saying there isn’t a lot about that on the web I feel your pain

  74. In my opinion, suicide is not “the easy way out.” If any of us who are so blessed and fortunate to have not walked a mile in the shoes of someone suffering from bipolar, depression, schizophrenia, etc etc. and had to actually walk a mile in their shoes, much less day in and day out……often suffering silently with overwhelming sadness, multiple years of medication changes, etc etc…….then we would quite possibly be amazed at how they held on for as long as they did. Easy way out? not at all.

    • Thank you! My dearest darling friend just died yesterday and she lived like this for over a decade. The most kind, generous, vivacious soul, now gone. We did our best to be there for her through thick and thin but the mental anguish was too much for her. She is now finally peaceful. Still numb and in shock but completely empathy for her choice. Love you my darling girl. My big sister. LIVE in peace.

  75. I’m sorry. I vented here about my anger and hurt over my father’s suicide. Reading through these posts, I can only feel sympathy for those who have lost children to suicide, and shame for wallowing over my father’s suicide. For those who have lost children, please find your way to a support group like Compassionate Friends. May God carry you all the days between now and when you’re finally reunited. May you enjoy days between now and then where the sun shines warmly on your face, and where your pain may give way to memories of sweeter days. May your value to all those here on earth anchor you here until the day when, in God’s timing, He calls you home and wipes away your tears. I’m sorry for your loss.

  76. My father jumped to his death in front of horrified onlookers nearly 20 years ago. It shattered our family…or maybe just ended the illusion of being a family. I’m still angry. The timing of his suicide was particularly cruel.

    As a side effect, I view other tragedies through the filter of trauma. When I gave birth to a stillborn baby, I knew it was at least a comparatively normal death that many other women have endured. When a family member died prematurely of disease, it was at least a natural death.

    I have been forced to reevaluate my relationship with my father, my mother, my siblings, and extended childhood family. It’s left me feeling cold about the past. I pour my energies into my marriage and my children now, and have mostly made peace with the fact that I will remain at least partly damaged for the rest of my life.

  77. My boyfriend of 14 years and father of our 4 boys (all under the age of 8) attempted suicide on October 27th, 2018. He attempted to hang himself in our garage when I found him. I called 911 and the EMTs were able to resuscitate him. Unfortunately I did not find him in time and he suffered severe brain damage. He passed away November 23rd, 2018, a week after he had been disconnected. I lived with him for 6 years and still cannot fathom why he did this. I loved him dearly. My only conclusion was that he was no longer himself when he did this. As I am finding out now that he was deep into meth addiction. I just feel like I’ll never get over this or him. My heart is in a million pieces.

  78. My mom killed herself less than a week ago. She shot herself while my 9 year old was there. My dad and brother found her dead. I am still in shock. we buried her today. tomorrow my daughter who she loved turns two. this post has helped me.

    • My mom shot herself in the head 11/28/18. I found her the next morning on my way to work. I am just stating to read about suicide. Peace to you and your family.

  79. It’s Dec 7th 2018. My brother took the easy way out a few months ago. Today I’ve cried since I awoke at 4:30 and all day long. The loss is so great it hurts so bad. A year ago I was telling him I love you and talking about all the good memories I had of him growing up. I loved him so much. He may be at peace but today I have none. I just want to hear his voice again, tell him I love him again, give him a hug. Holidays and such have no meaning this year. I can only hope more time will heal my heart and pain…I just pray he’s resting in peace

    • My brother also killed himself earlier this year and it’s the first Christmas without him here……I have been dreaming more about him lately and it is so sad. Nothing seems to take the pain away, I can just ignore it for a while….I seem like “I’m doing well” butbhow can we??? I just want to hug him too….sometimes it hard to swallow that I won’t see him ever again and it hurts…..hugs to you and your family this holiday season

      • To Liz (from post of 10 December 2018), you will see your brother again, of this I am sure. It may take a very long time, or a short time, we have no way of knowing when it will be our turn to cross over. Meanwhile, his Spirit/Soul is with you everyday, here on Earth. I know this is of little comfort right now–personally, I know this to be so, because I cry incessantly for him everyday. I think of him all day long, but it gives me hope to get through the day to know that one day I will see his happy smiling face again.

        The life here on Earth is a mere blip compared to the Eternal Life that begins after our Spirit/Soul has left its corporeal body, which is no longer needed where our dear son/brother is now, free of pain, together with all those who have gone before him, including his wife, who is also free of all her mental torment. He is free of all the mental anguish that plagued him here on this Planet. I prayed to the Divine Creator to bless all the house, and to sanctify the room where they died. He is happy forever, in pure bliss and oneness with the Universe, and he is watching down on all of us. He is with you everywhere you are, Liz, and everywhere you go.

        He comes to me in vivid dreams as well. In one dream he promised never to leave me again. In another dream, I saw him smiling at me, wearing one of his big white t-shirts with a hole in the front, with his hair all messed up, like he just woke up. He was sitting on an open deck in a lawn chair, beside a small vacation camper, with a large forest in the background, and a lake in front. He was beautiful. Maybe that’s where he was, and he wanted me to know he was happy.

        It is hard to imagine Christmas this year, knowing he is gone. Papi and I are spending the Holiday Season in Quebec, to try to escape from the pain for a little while. I don’t know if it will work, but it’s all I can think of to do. A book that has brought me some relief is Life After Life, by Raymond Moody. He has several books. I am trying, slowly, to read them all. Hugs to you this Holiday Season. Love, Mom of Tom

  80. My son harmed himself on Nov 17th, I came home from spending the night at my boyfriend house. I got home on Saturday morning about 8ish and my neighbor was coming down the stairs as I was walking up and he said to me, your dog has been running around all night. I said okay, I am gonna whip my sons butt…I went inside and there was an odor, but thought maybe it’s the trash. I walked straight into my son’s room to see if he was awake and he looked like he was asleep, I went over to him because he wasn’t covered up like he normally does. I started to shake him to wake up and he was so cold, I saw something on his mouth and I went to grab his head and I screamed wake up wake up and I moved my hand and there was his blood all over it. My neighbor grabbed me and pulled me off of him and even at that point I didn’t really know what was happening. He was 20 years old and he was so smart and funny and was always helping me and his brother. He is so dearly missed. We cry everyday ☹️

  81. My bright, happy 21 year old son killed himself with a hand gun 11 years ago. He had one year of college left.
    I had talked to him the night before. I detected no problems whatsoever. He used two handguns at the same time so I know it wasn’ an accident. I was crazy for a year. This past March I woke up at 5 in the morning to find my wonderful wife of forty years dead in bed next to me. I understand why people kill themselves. When depression turns to despair suicide seems like logical choice. Unending pain that few can understand.

    • Phil-

      I cannot imagine your pain with the loss of your son to suicide and your wife. My brother took his life with a gun. I am sure he was not thinking how it would affect our lives and our hearts. As I go through a grief share program at church- I realize that no one is immune to the pain of any one’s death but especially by suicide as it seems like they chose to leave us. There is a common theme. I did not know why, this hurts so bad or if only. Please everyone that has been affected b suicide please seek help. You are not alone and by sharing my grief it seems to be helping me. I have good days and bad days. I know I will never be the same person again. I need to embrace my life and heal. Please talk to someone- reach out. My dad always says “if you are going through hell- keep going until you get through it”. He lost his son and I my brother- Our worlds are different and there is hope in prayer and in tomorrow.

  82. My dad shot himself 10 years ago. I was 21 at the time and I was the one who found him. My mom and my brother both lived across the country from us. That day is both very fuzzy but yet very fresh in my brain. I remember all my friends in the years to follow always saying you are so strong. I didn’t feel strong but what other choice did I have? I couldn’t bring him back and as they say life goes on. I have definitely barried a lot of my emotions regarding this event because sometimes it just seems easier that way even though I know it may not be healthy.

  83. I had a brother who hung herself few years ago. My father was an alcoholic and beat him and my mom when we were young. My brother also became an alcoholic and, after years of sorrow and soffering, took his life out. This event left scars on family and my father was consumed by grief, being murdered years later in a fight when drunk. Today, Im about to finish a graphic novel about suicide, intending to sensitize people about the topic.

  84. I am struck by the number of postings here. So many are impacted by suicide of a loved one. My daughter took her life with a gun a little over 3 years ago. Sometimes I think I am moving forward a little and then I slip back. I feel so many emotions, sadness, guilt, confusion but oddly no anger. I miss her so and it is hard knowing she is gone forever.

  85. My sister fell or jumped off a very tall bridge outside of the friends house i was staying at 4 years ago. I witnessed the scene. She had been agoraphobic for a year. My parents are divorced . My dads bipolar with manic rage. My mom is a depressed alcoholic. Neither of them have jobs. My parents caused me n my sisters a lot of pain and misguidance. My sister who killed herself was neglected. Nobody had the time or patience. Now I cant deal with the pain and the thoughts of her suicide. I don’t want to be here thinking about it. I feel like i cant love anymore. I have so much pain. My support network has diminished since her death. I go to therapy. But I still feel like nobody understands the pain. I feel lonely and unloved. My parents care so much on her death they have forgotten to care about the rest of their children . My whole family is split up and now my sister is gone. I don’t know how to feel anymore.

  86. He was my supervisor for only about three months before I got out of the military… so I don’t know why it hurts this much. I can’t stop thinking about it. Seeing all the people that loved him and reading about the things he did for people. I don’t get it. I just want to know why. Why would he kill himself? I remember that before he became our flight chief, moral was so low. We HATED coming to work. When he came, that all changed. He made work fun and motivated us. He helped so many people in need. He saved a marriage. He took care of his troops. I almost, almost wanted to stay in. He was one of the good ones. I had been out for quite a few months when he killed himself, but I just can’t stop thinking about it, I barely knew him… I keep wishing I could go back in time and save him. Tell him that it will get better, whatever problems you are having we can handle together. Please. I just don’t get it and I want to stop thinking about it. But I can’t. I want someone to tell me that he’s not dead, that it was a mistake. It shouldn’t hurt this bad, I barely knew him. I don’t even think we ever had a personal conversation before. Maybe just a couple words here and there. I wish that people weren’t so afraid to get help. I wish they knew that it didn’t make them any less “manly.” I wish they knew how many people they would hurt from this. It’s hurting me and I barely knew him. I can’t imagine how anyone actually close to him feels right now. My heart goes out to them. Then there is a small part of me that is so mad at him, for hurting so many people. Suicide is selfish. It feels good to get this all out, even if no one will read it.

    • Hugs to you…its only natural to wonder and think about “what if” and “if I only” maybe you could get together with others he touched and do something in his name to carry on helping others?! Turn it into something positive, and a way to help yourself and others heal, and share the good times, memories etc with each other. Like an annual walk, motorcycle ride, bike ride, charity event and donate money to a cause in his name or set up a foundation etc to keep his legacy helping others.

    • THIS is the one that resonates with what I am going through right now!

      I have lost a friend, although a new friend that I really didn’t know that well yet, to suicide. He was a gregarious guy, someone that no one could ever say a bad word about, but there was this underlying angst that was there…even so; no one ever thought that it would come to him taking his own life. In fact, I had not talked to “TJ” since October of 2018, when we had discussed getting together for a beer and then the holidays came, etc. Next thing I knew it was early March and I’m thinking “I haven’t heard from him in a while, I ought to give him a call.” The next thing I know, like literally a few days later, a friend in common texts me that “TJ” is dead! Not even 50 years old! She didn’t know how he died, though. I was unable to go to the viewing, as by the time I found out about it, I had already made plans to visit family out of state and could not change them. However, just a few days ago, my friend texts me again to say that she did go to the viewing and met TJ’s parents and they told her that he had hung himself. I am, we all are, stunned. The people that I know that knew him only knew him a little better then I did, as we all belonged to a MeetUp group. TJ had been the organizer for the group for two years and everyone just thought the world of him. Just as you did with your supervisor.

      Outside of the group, TJ and I had beers about a half a dozen times and so did some of the others in the group get together with him on their own. He was from this area and had close friends he had grown up with and family, but I don’t know any of them.

      Anyway, the point is; even though I didn’t know TJ very well, I am stunned and really pretty devastated at his killing himself. I lost my mom in 2014 after taking care of her for the last two years of her life, but she was 85 and had been very ill, so as devastating as that was, there is no “why?” kind of thing. I miss her terribly all the time (and this TJ’s death is dredging up all kinds of stuff, which doesn’t surprise me, either), but for someone I know, this guy that used to laugh at my stupid jokes and make us interested in what some folks might think is a boring subject (history)go through the trouble to HANG HIMSELF?? WTH??? I’m reading all of these sad, horrible posts about people finding their parents, or siblings or SOs to suicide and it is absolutely heart rending, every post. So, I can not even begin to imagine what you all are going through, if I feel as badly as I feel at losing a new friend I hardly knew. Especially you folks that are the ones that found your loved ones. That is beyond comprehension to me.

      My heart goes out to each and every one of you and as others have suggested here: seek help. I went to bereavement therapy after my mom passed away and it was VERY helpful and it was free, too. Medicare will pay for bereavement therapy for 13 months after your loved one dies, but you have to look around for it, you can find help. In my case I had both one-on-one therapy and group, both were very helpful and every town has bereavement specialists if you look (including clergy). Don’t go through this alone.

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  88. My mom ended her life on 05/20/2018 I found her she still had a pulse I was on the phone screaming at 911 to get here fast I heard my mom take her last breath knowing there was nothing I could do to save her because she shot herself in the head behind her right ear and she was taking a blood thinner, the Sheriff finally showed up like 30 minutes later and then the ambulance I was standing outside bawling trying to understand why the officer came outside to me and told me he was sorry for my loss I just hit the ground screaming no and crying my eyes out. She has been gone almost 6 months I cry everyday, I blame myself, I ask why, I relive that night everyday, all my mom and I had were each other, I just can’t wrap my head around this, I am so lonely, l am so lost.

  89. My brother shot himself Tuesday and left behind a wife, 2 young children and the rest of us lost. He left a note saying the horrors of his job as a fire fighter haunted him and he couldn’t deal. PTSD caused him to pull the trigger. My mother suffered a major heart attack after the news from the shock.

    I am writing this in hopes that someone thinking about suicide will read this. Please get help!!!!!! It has destroyed our entire family. We are grappling with grief that has been paralyzing beyond comprehension. And we will never ever not feel the pain of this on some level. We all loved him deeply. If my brother could see even 15 minutes past his death before he did it, he may never have pulled the trigger. The aftermath never goes away. Please get help. There is no excuse not to in this day. Do not put your family through this. Please.

  90. My mom committed suicide. Completely didn’t expect it she was always so against it my whole life. 3 years prior we lost my father due to medical issues she ran away with him when she was 18 and started a family here in Florida. I knew the death of my father was hard on her she went thru a bad depression then she completely changed she never got drunk before but now she was drinking and smoking marijuana. I was upset at her but never expressed it. Here I am 24 years old I don’t understand any of it. I was at her boyfriends house the night before it all happened she didn’t seem upset or off. The next night as I headed home from work me and 5 others received a random text …. mom: I love you …….. that was it no letter no nothing no warnings. I knew something was off I called multiple times and headed to where she was…. when I pulled in the ambulance was wheeling her in. They wouldn’t tell us what was wrong the feeling I had inside was soo mixed all I seen was her jeans and feet and her wearing a oxygen mask. I was shaking all over couldn’t breath I was angry and so upset all at once and I didn’t even know what happened. Me and my sister raced to the hospital when we got there we found out she shot herself in the head thru her mouth. She had me and my other 3 sisters!! Why didn’t she ask for help!! The nightmares went on for months I experienced so much depression every time I would try to sleep my eyes would move rapidly so much that it hurt. I just wanted to rip them out of my head. I had my husband and my 3 year old daughter depending on me and here I was looking a mess acting a mess but couldn’t contain it. It’s now been 2 years I still break down on occasions I miss her so much and I have ptsd I can’t drive at night behind a ambulance I get flash backs and when the time gets closer to that night she killed herself oct 24th they get worse. I don’t think it will ever get easier in a few days is my 26th birthday I’m still a baby I don’t have a father or mother in my life anymore. It kills me! But I have to stay strong for my baby girl and husband! Fall has always been my favorite time of year I’ve always loved Halloween the most but I feel like it’s been taken from me. I feel sad for her still to this day. I wish I could of helped or got to her in time but I’m still also angry. Me and my sisters never talk I feel like all I have are my husband and daughter to keep me sain. I’ve always wanted that big family that you see on tv with the happy grandparents in there grandkids lives and all the sisters and kids getting along. But I will NEVER have that unless I create it myself starting with me.

  91. My mom died today by suicide and I am struggling to process these waves of emotions; sadness, anger, blame, guilt….and so many more. My brother overdosed two months ago and my mom took it really hard. She was an alcoholic and had a long history of childhood pain she never dealt with. She sent years self medicating to numb her pain. I know I have a long road ahead to recovery I just wish I could have helped her and been there for here. I pushed her away to protect myself and the guilt is overwhelming. She had attempted suicide two other times in her life that I know of. She planned to sell her things and move to Texas to be with her sister and I was very encouraging I just wanted her to get into therapy and heal herself. I went to her house earlier after I found out she killed herself my my uncle found her in her car running in the garage. The police are investigating to find out if it was in fact a suicide or if there was fowplay. She left suicide notes we can’t have them until after the investigation. I am in shock and just pray that God will look over me and send me strength in the long road of recovery ahead. I pray for anyone and everyone that has been affected by suicide there are so many unanswered questions. I know she was suffering and try to find peace knowing she is no longer in pain and is with my brother again. Thank you for listening I just can’t sleep or function and just needed to share.

  92. My boyfriend of nine years died by suicide only 7 weeks ago. We were happy. Did everything together. His precious puppy son of 17 years had been put down one month to the date that he killed himself. My boyfriend was a jolly kind and compassionate person. As to the “WhY” only he knows. It hurts that we talked about getting old together and even made jokes about it. Now that will never happen. I know he suffered some mental issues from If someone here is thinking about this. Please Please Please get help. Think of the pain you will cause your love ones.

  93. My sister in law ended her life on 8/6/2018. We just buried her this past Friday. Her daughter, my godchild and niece, died three months ago from cancer. She was just 33 years old. Erin could not live without her daughter. She had always suffered from depression and abused alcohol and medications. She had many daemons she battled for as long as I knew her. She was clear that she didn’t want to live anymore since before my niece died. I saw her last month, as I live in a different state, and she was giving away her possessions and telling us she was talking to people who’d already died. I took my brother, her husband, to a Crisis Center at a nearby hospital. They sent someone to the house to speak with her and to assess whether they could 302 her. They concluded they didn’t have enough to have her locked up. Three days before she died, it would have been my niece’s 34th birthday. I considered flying in to spend the weekend with her, and I didn’t. I’m having a hard time processing my niece’s death, but I knew it was a bad “trigger” time for Erin. Before my niece died, I promised her I would take care of her mom and dad, which was very important to her. I know I couldn’t be there all of the time, and I know Erin would have eventually done herself in — she genuinely didn’t want help or want to get better. I prayed to God for a sign that I should go, which I never received. I honestly didn’t know what was the kinder thing to do — help her to want to live, or be complicit in what I suspected her actions would be. I know my brother has similar feelings of guilt, and he will probably never get over those feelings. He lost his family in the span of 3 months after a very grueling year of watching his daughter die horribly from cancer. I don’t even know what it is I feel — really, the absence of anything. How do you move forward?

  94. It has been about 1.5 years since my brother’s suicide–his last and final mistake, one of many. His final and conclusive solution to all of his life’s problems. Although I am still in disbelief during some moments, as I think of his laugh and his smile and his permanent absence from our lives due to an impetuous, desperate choice he made that night, I am beginning to have better moments during the day. I am remembering him with sadness but with less of a stab in the heart as before. I have let everyone who loved him know how he died, so that they can also recognize the tragedy for what it is, and remember and pray for his soul, accordingly. I forgive him and hope that he is or will soon be, free of his suffering. No more suffering. My own life gets shorter each day, and I recognize this. I spend quality time with my children, knowing that one day they will be remembering me. I do things that I know my brother would enjoy doing, para-sailing, for example. I am sad knowing that he misses the new songs and movies of our current time, but there is nothing I can to about that, other than to enjoy these worldly things for him. I believe that deep in his heart he knew that he was loved, and whether he knows it or not, he will continue to be loved until my last breath. Take assurance that your pain will ease and it will become a bit easier with time. Focus on the happier moments and try to live your life to its fullest even with your broken hearts. Live, love, and laugh. May God bless each and every one of you ,as well as your lost loved ones. Please know that you are not alone.

  95. My little sister of 22 (2 years younger then myself) shot herself about 2 months ago. dealing with things has been difficult. She left behind her 2 year old son whom my husband and myself have taken in.
    Cassie had been suffering for a long time with depression and I knew that. she lived with my dad and I was constantly coming down to the house to help her clean and care for her son because she couldn’t find the energy within her to do so herself. I did what I could to care for my nephew without upsetting Cassie. We’d had many arguments about what was acceptable and unacceptable. like leaving him in the living room by himself for hours while she played video games or slept. I convinced her to go to therapy and that seemed to help for awhile… but idk what happened but she knew I was coming down to the house, that I was at our grandfathers helping him around the house and that I would be down before I left (we live out in the middle of know where with lots of farm area but on the same street) I was literally less then 2 minutes away. when I got to the top of the hill I could see all the cop cars in the driveway and didn’t know what to think at that point but they pretty immediately showed me my nephew and that he was fine. my heart was jackrabbiting as I tried to be calm and cuddle him a bit. A EMT approached and I asked about my sister…. and I’ll never forget those eyes staring back at me and informing me she’d shot herself in the head and was dead. after that an officer pulled me to the side and asked a bunch of questions. Apparently she had called them before shed done anything and asked how long it would take them to get there of course they didn’t answer that and she told them to hurry cause she had a toddler in the house and that her sister was on her way down and she didn’t want me to find her. I had to tell my dad that his baby girl was gone. he’s a over the road truck driver so I couldn’t just wait for him to come home. when I told him it was like listing to someone ripping his heart out. Then I had to tell my mother….

    I know Cassie was sick. that it was part of a condition I’m unable to fully grasp. That this was her decision and nobody’s fault. That she was hurting and saw this as solution and I try to keep that in mind but between the sadness I find I have a well of anger at her. For the people she hurt, for the hurt she’s dealt me with her actions, for the son she left behind who one day I’ll have to explain what happened to mommy. For the constant worry for my parents (who divorced around 3 years ago and still haven’t recovered) For having to scrub her blood off the back of the bathroom door for the look on my dads face as he stares blankly down at his hands, for the nights I’ve held my mother has she cries. I know its not fair, that Cassie was sick but I hate we did so much, tried so hard loved her so much and it didn’t matter in the end.

  96. My dad killed himself exactly a month ago on Father’s Day. It was something none of us expected and were in complete and utter shock. I had found him. It was around 8:30AM that morning and I was looking all over for him to give him his Father’s Day card; it was a popup beach card that I knew he would have loved. On the back I had written how I knew he was going through a hard time right now, but that I believe he can make it through. I had said that even though me and him fought a lot, I still loved him unconditionally and that we will eventually come to see eye to eye. I had turned the corner in the backyard to find him on his knees, slightly suspended from the gate. I just remember screaming. My mom heard me and shouted, asking me what was wrong and I just couldnt speak. I eventually was able to say “He’s dead,” and everyone around me just stared. “Who’s dead??” my Mom screamed. I told her it was Dad, and that was when my little sister walked in. “Daddy’s dead?” she asked with panic in her voice and tears beginning to form in her eyes. I am 16, my brother is 14, and my sister is 9. My Mom had been with my Dad for 32 years, and built her entire life around him. A month later we are still in shock. He was the sole provider and we are going to have to move and start over somewhere new, to get away from the horrible memory of that day at this house.
    It was horrible; something I’d never wish on my worst enemy. We miss my dad every day. But some days we’re angry, some we’re confused, and some we spend the whole day crying and asking why. I just hope that wherever he is, he is happy now, free from his sadness and anxiety. I love you, dad.

    • Hi sky
      I can completely relate to your pain. My husband of 26 years also died on Father’s Day or that is when I found him. He left two beautiful girls who currently are trying to find their place in life wondering why their father could have left them. Thank you for sharing your story. Although I sometimes feel that we are alone, I realize that others have walked the same path. Thank you

    • I was so moved by your story– and am so very sorry for your incredible loss/trauma. I lost my younger sister to suicide by hanging in June 2018 in NYC. She was 55. I knew she was struggling and in great emotional pain. I think many of her family and friends knew, as well. But in her field and with her level of success, I feel she was surrounded by too many “yes people”– people whom she could easily fool into believing she was ok, and many who were just simply too afraid to speak up, or over-step their boundaries. She laughed a lot (was a darling little person) but cried secretly and often. She could easily brush off her tears and get back in the game. She’d built an enormous empire– all on her own. Everyone likely believed she was invincible because of this, as she appeared to be a very strong and determined woman. Nothing could have been further from the actual truth. She had much unaddressed PTSD from our childhood. I know many were shocked at her sudden and untimely death by suicide. I was not. I knew her well– and knew all we’d endured throughout our childhood (all the family secrets). I’d voiced my concerns to her and to her husband numerous times. I’d urged her (and him) to seek inpatient hospitalization, several times. What very few know is that our mother died by suicide, too– and had had numerous failed attempts at suicide, as well. Many studies show that there is an increased risk for suicide when one’s parent (or a family member) has either died by or attempted suicide. Please never ever be afraid to get the help you need– the help and support you deserve as a human being! Be the change you would have liked for your father. You will likely need support for all of your life– please take it. Do NOT be ashamed to have that need or to advocate for yourself. SEEK out ongoing support/medical treatment. The stigma and ignorance surrounding mental illness must be removed! I know in my heart that my sister would still be here today to raise her beautiful young daughter and live a full life had she not been filled with ridiculous shame– and led to believe the ignorant stigmatization surrounding mental illness. There is no shame, whatsoever, in caring for yourself. PTSD is real, and something that needs to be seriously addressed, well before it spirals… and possibly turns deadly, as it did with my little sister.

      • Sorry to hear about Kate.

        She and all the others in the comments are in a better place.

        I hope to join them soon.

        • I read your comment about hoping to join them soon.

          Please don’t. Please seek help. You are loved.

          Last October 2018, I tried to jump off the Mount Hope Bridge in RI. I called my coworker and asked her to cover my shift at work for me that day. She called the cops who pulled me off of the railing of the bridge right before I was about to jump. I had been in so much emotional pain. I suffer from PTSD, I was having a hard time working because of it. I felt like a failure and thought everyone would be better off without me.

          What I’ve learned in the past year is that ever though life is extremely painful, it is worth living. Please seek help. I promise it gets better.

  97. My big sister of 29 yo decided to transform herself into an invisible angel 14 years ago.
    I’m now 33 but I know for sure that I will always be her little sister.
    We planned to live together as I was finishing high school that year and she was so excited about me, starting the University and finally living the joyful life we deserved, far away from our narcissistic toxic and violent mother.
    I could have given my life for hers but, as a big sister, she took that idea.
    I feel guilty of being alive. I feel guilty of crying about the fact that in the past 14 years I needed her hugs, her wisdom, her light. She used to say that we were born as warriors and warriors don’t complain about being warriors and their purpose is to keep fighting. There are days like today that I feel I’ve lost my weapons. She didn’t have kids and I feel so scared about me becoming a mother one day. I know that she was hugging my hearth with pride when I graduated. I know she was hugging my heart when I dove with manta rays down in the deep blue.I know she was hugging my heart when I met my boyfriend who happens to live in the same street where she was living. I know she will continue to hug my heart every single day of my life.
    14 years have passed by and the will of saying how much I love her and miss her is still rooted in my heart.
    I’ll be forever grateful that I had the most loving and brave big sister for at least 19 years in her human shape. I know she will always be the bigger and will continue to hug me.
    It’s just so sad and infuriating that there is no Survival loss support group in my entire country, Switzerland ( which has one of the highest rates of suicide in the world). I wish I could hug tightly each one of you: I feel your pain which is mine as well and I hope you will find the strength to honour their life with putting extra light in yours. We are warriors.

    • I should be surprised ( but I’m not) that Switzerland does not have a grief support group. I am married to an old school Swiss and from what I’ve seen, they don’t believe in mental illness. It’s not something in their vocabulary. My husband has has to learn the hard way thru our son’s suicide. The older Swiss are a very proud people who, I believe, live all lot in denial.

  98. My beautiful,smart 17 year old granddaughter took her life on July 15,2017 . She had been effected by anxiety and depression for three years,she had begun cutting herself then took one of her mothers pills thinking it would kill her she was 13 at that time she was sent to a mental help institution for two weeks ,started therapy and medication. Her next attempt was slitting her wrists in the bathtub her mother and father found her,she back to the same institution for a few weeks more therapy and a change in medication. While this was going on she was going to school ,playing sports and cheerleading, she was missing a lot of school but because she was smart was able to catch up , when in school spent so much time in the nurses office having anxiety attacks daily. She also displayed manic behaviors , silly happy, shopping binges , and rages. We rallied around her and prayed that she would outgrow this and that it was part of the normal teenage angst. Before she turned fourteen she was a happy baby and a delightful child. Before she took her life she told her mother she didn’t feel the medication was working and the visits to the institution were a waste of time. She ended her life a few weeks later. Even though it’s been just short of a year I am broken , i have good days but many dark days. I just can’t come to terms with the tragic loss of my beautiful granddaughter who had so much ahead of her, I grieve for all the tomorrows that will never be. I wish that they had sought a higher level of help for her, more intense psychiatric intervention, how do I come to terms with this?

  99. My husband chose to end his life three and a half years ago. I remember the day specifically because it was also the day that I told him that I had filed for divorce and he needed to pick up the paperwork from my attorney’s office. He texted both of our children individually that he loved them and then he hung himself. I found him the next day. I will forever live with the guilt that me being unable to be his wife and his soul support emotionally physically and psychologically meant that he could no longer draw breath. He chose to do this a week and a half to two weeks before both of our children’s birthdays. They were 14 & 12. And their father chose to opt out. About a year later and a whole lot of other issues (oldest came out as transgender amongst them) I had an epiphany: what good does it due to be angry with a dead man.? I’m no longer angry with him for leaving ME but I hurt for THEM. No one to teach them how to tie a tie, how to shave. How to ask a girl out. How to be a man.
    And then there’s the loneliness. I don’t think anyone can understand the loneliness. No one to talk to, to tell about your day, to talk about your children’s successes, strives, their challenges. There’s no one there. Friends try to fill the Gap but they have no comprehension. I would never wish this on anyone, but sometimes I wish my friends/family could understand that divorced it’s not the same. How do we reconcile that we weren’t worth living for?

  100. Reading these comments has helped me to see that I am not alone in my pain. My brother shot himself almost two weeks ago and it still feels like I am just raw. He was supposed to meet me and my parents for a movie and never showed up, we texted him that day and the next couple of days but he never answered. He had dropped out of medical school about half a year earlier and we assumed he needed some time alone. After not answering our texts and calls for four days, my parents went to his apartment to talk to him, but he still would not answer so they called the police. I got a call from my dad saying that my brother was no longer with us and it left me in shock. We never saw the body but I can’t stop imagining what it looked like, if he felt pain or died instantly, how long his body was there for, or what his last moments were like. It feels like a hot iron is going through my chest when I think of what he must have been thinking and feeling in his last moments and I don’t know how to stop those thoughts. I am immensely grateful for the few websites I have found that talk about suicide grief, as it makes me feel a little less alone with my grief.

  101. My husband died by suicide 9/21/16 and was found by our young son… the day played out with just enough guilt to last me a lifetime We argued about him sleeping in his office chair at 10 am- he had a history of drinking and anxiety meds use. Never in my life would I imagine that this would be his end .. he was strong, he had a smile (when he could)that would light up a room that was some of his good qualities but that being said to plan yes plan your death means that there is a terrible darkness behind that facade… I miss the man who said we would grow old together because the best was yet to come…

  102. I have recently lost my adult sibling to suicide. So far, I have coped with my loss by attending two sessions of a general bereavement group. I think I might have found more solace in a suicide-specific bereavement group. I have found more strength through self-help, by reading books which address grief and all of the issues surrounding grief, some which are specific to suicide death. I would like to share the titles of those books with you:
    “The Gift of Second-Healing From the Impact of Suicide”-by Brandy Lidbeck
    “No Time To Say Goodbye-Surviving the Suicide of a Loved One”, by Carla Fine
    “Why Suicide-Questions and Answers about Suicide, Suicide Prevention, and Coping with the Suicide of Someone You Know”-By Eric Marcus
    “Healing after the Suicide of a Loved One”-by Ann Smolin, CSW and John Guinan, Phd
    “How To Go On Living When Someone You Love Dies”-by Therese A. Rando, Phd
    “I Wasn’t Ready To Say Goodbye-Surviving, Coping and Healing After the Sudden Death of a Loved One”-by Brook Noel and Pamela D. Blair, PhD
    “Surviving the Death of a Sibling”-by T. J. Wray(Living Through Grief When an Adult Brother or Sister Dies)
    “The Grief Recovery Handbook, 20th Anniversary Expanded Edition”, by John W. James and Russell Friedman
    Many other books are also available.
    I am moved to try to help others who are suffering with grief and to assist in prevention efforts in the future.
    I wish you love and peace, and hope that one day you can experience joy once again.

  103. All the feels and more that you describe are very accurate and hard to cope with at the same time. I lost my partner of 25 years to suicide
    in November 2014. He told me he was going to the store and that was the last time I saw him. After calling his cell phone all night, he called me at 7:45 am. Forever timestamped on my phone and he told me he was dying, he sounded drunk to me and I kept asking him where he was. At that point he either hung up the phone or he died, I will never know, they found him the next day in our truck dead. This for me has been a very long lonely road over the past 3 years, I could give you a million reasons why he took his own life, but that doesn’t heal anything. The feelings of abandonment are very real, if he had died any other way I could have understood that, I could have wrapped my mind around it. But suicide is so unnatural that wrapping your mind around it never happens. This event in my life has made me very closed off. I couldn’t imagine having another relationship with anyone, I will never put myself out that way ever again. Those are the scars of suicide, and you have to learn to live with those scars, My kids are my rock, he wasn’t their biological father, but he had been in their lives from a very young age. I am moving forward in my life, because I have no choice. But I will be moving forward on my own.

  104. OMG, I just watched the 60 Minutes segment about brain injury to soldiers who have experienced an explosion. Apparently the blast wave causes injuries all throughout the brain.This can cause cognitive deterioration, leading to PTSD symptoms, mental illness, etc. IS THIS WHY MY SON TOOK HIS LIFE? I guess I will never know, and I have no brain tissue of his to test…

  105. SOBS is Survivors of bereavement through suicide……. I had identical twins, no history of depression, just to many disappointments, to many hopes dashed and the death of their father, through illness in 2014. Became to much to bear. One died in 2016 age 29 and the other twin age 30, just couldnt live without his other half. Even in death they both went the same way. Each day the pain is just so unbearable. I to am thankful to have found the helpline Sobs, after my first twin died.

  106. We Lost my oldest brother to suicide 7/11/16. He was 35. Left 2 boys here, now 8 and 5.
    Worst day of my life. As the story goes for everyone who suffers and lives through it. The whole day on repeat in my mind’s quietest times. The what ifs, the what could I have done? What I shouldn’t have done. Or said. The list goes on and on. I will never forget anything about him or that day..He was the 1st born I 2nd born of 3 boys and 1 girl the youngest. He was like a father at times, dad worked 3rd at a prison, Mom until 6 pm as a nurse. He was in charge of us alot. It’s the day before my mother’s birthday. Which pisses me off. They were close and if anything she prolonged his life, or his willingness to stay anyway. Looking back though, there were plenty red flags. Strange comments about death, or how he “crashed his car because the fell asleep at the wheel due to sleep apnea problems…( having shared a bedroom for years with this person I can attest to the vast array of noises he made in his sleep the snoring and teeth grinding omg!) But later insinuating that’s just what he told the police. He was never treated or diagnosed with anything related to mental health disorders. But in hindsight he was probably depressed and had some serious self esteem issues, very moody at times for long stretches. Perhaps bipolar? I’m not a Dr, so I can only draw conclusion based on research and experience with Him. So I’m speculating I suppose. He was jealous and overprotective at times. Very jealous especially when I started getting girlfriends in high school. He was always overweight, He told me once, ” So, Doc tells me I’m “morbidly obese”.” He used air quotes. He developed diabetes from my understanding, Neuropathy in his hands and feet. I Dont know how bad it was, He made it so we didn’t want to ask him about his health anymore. Would get defensive and argumentative. “Why does everyone care about my weight?! I don’t give a shit! So why do you?” Is just an example of a line he liked to give. So….we stopped asking much. Then started asking if anything happens to him will I help his wife with the boys. Asked that a few times. I just figured he meant bc of his weight and diabetes. Maybe heart attack. He talked shit about suicide growing up so I never thought he would ever kill himself. Ive called him a moody bitch to be honest. His temperment irritated me. The up and down all the time. The silent treatments. The f yous’ and I hate yous’. Going for the jugular in arguments. His laziness, and apathy, he didn’t get along with my girlfriend/ wife/mother of my kids for years. Really kinda both their fault. But still. Gave me a hard time with every girl I dated bc it took time away from Him… Would eat my food when we had an apartment together. Wouldn’t clean the bathroom. And all the bullshit issues that siblings who really couldn’t be much closer have with each other. He is so much more than that to me. The day He shot himself changed my attitude my feelings my thoughts about him, forever. He was my best friend from the start. We did so much together. He introduced me to so many things. I’m a die-hard football fan (raiders nfl and wolverines NCAA). He put me onto the raiders bc of Bo Jackson, my first son is named Jackson. He is the reason for the type of music I like, the movies and video games i like. Our sense of humor. Nobody could make me laugh and hurt like He could. We could look at each other and know what was happening inside the others head. Have these long drawn out jokes that we would be fueled by the other, usually at the expense of some verbally inferior friend. He somehow convinced me that I should want to help him with his chores or eat the food he didn’t like for dinner so he could be excused. Go climb the shed…it’s only ice and snow on the ground it won’t hurt if you fall. I fell… hurt but no harm done. Sure was funny as hell to see the look of suprised bewilderment on his face. “omg are you ok?” Only to fall over in laughter after I confirmed my well being. Very funny indeed. He pulled the car antenna from my right eye socket after I fell chasing a kid with it ( by some crazy luck It missed my eye entirely by some small fraction of an inch. ) He had the great idea to play 3 man football with a piece of gravel while waiting for the bus on the first day of school. I ended up with a deep 4 stitch gash on the top of my head. First person I told when lost my virginity. Told him about my first son the day after his 2nd son was born. So much more I cannot fit here now. I was supposed to watch our kids do these things together. Teach them about life and things like respect, hard work, determination, and star wars , football, and girls. Now I can’t and his widow has a newborn with another guy and I barely see my nephew’s bc I can’t stand but feel terrible for them and Him and myself and my family. I treat them as my own with love and support. But I miss him terribly, I will forever. And I want to cry when I look at his boys. I do cry sometimes when I look at mine. How could he do this to his boys to us. I don’t tell my wife how much I actually do cry for him still. I don’t want her to worry. It’s a terrible thing to have to live through and no amount of time will ever heal me from this damage that He left inside. The way my life was changed through his action is something I could never have predicted. Truth is i took my brother for granted bc of precieved squabbles or issues or simple different opinions or character traits. I would do anything to see him again. Just to hug him and tell him I love him and thank him for helping me become who I am in so many ways. I chose to remember all of it. I want to feel pain and regret and sarrow and all that bc its real. It was the reality of our relationship and the abrupt end. It makes the memories the feelings of love and happiness feel real. The traded stories between family and friends that bring smiles bc he created those memories for and with us. He was a flawed human being, far from perfect, but He was an amazing person/son/brother/husband/father in his own way. I will miss him until my turn on Earth is up. He will always be on my mind. And that is ok because we loved each other no matter what when he was alive. And he knew that. Wherever it is we go when our souls leave our body. I’ll be sure to punch him in the face and tell him how shitty it was after he killed himself. And hug him and tell him how much I missed him and how much he meant to me. He was my best friend from the start. And I miss him terribly. I will forever. And His name is Frankie. I’ve never posted anything like this before so I appreciate the space and time. Love your family and friends. Even if they piss you off. Bc they will. But love them anyway and tell them.

  107. I just lost my 91 year old mother to an overdose suicide has devastated me, we had a stupid disagreement over supper then in the course of the night she got up and took her pain pills along with her cough syrup with codeine, she lived with me full time for eleven months the quilt laying on my shoulders is terrible, the ER doctor to,d it wasn’t my fault but I’m full of what if’s, i can’t stop crying over her loss I miss her so much, my dad passed away 18 years ago and she’s never got over his passing which left her depressed.

  108. I wish I could have read it all, maybe I will go back and read it when I am stronger. My oldest grandchild hung herself on January 28, 2018. She was 19. She was always a dramatic moody girl. Her upbringing was fraught with addicted parents and grandparents. I feel i brought the most stability to her life when she was in kindergarten…in a short span of time she was enrolled in 2 different kindergarten schools— and I told my daughter…you cannot do this—you got away with it when she was a baby but she needs stability now-she needs to be in the same school and so my daughter and granddaughter moved in with me. Stability was maintained until puberty hit…I cannot even remember all that happened ”’it was so fast…I was working to support everyone and every one had their own needs and everything went every which way.. I met someone and moved to Vancouver and my daughter stayed in the place I rented for 20 years–then my daughter–oh forget it it.. I didnt see or talk to my granddaughter in over 2 years,maybe three–she flipped out at her mother and went to live with some white trash…last time I saw her she was playing volley ball at evergreen- igave her some clothes that i bought for my self but were better suited for her–oh God the dtails are for not anyway…we lost touch i couldnt hansle that teenage shit..I was old and very tired. she probaably neever thought of me but I always thought of her but didnt want to get too involvled and now she is dead.

  109. My only child took his own life. How does a parent deal?

    • My son died as well. Nothing easy in our life but we will go through,it is one of them in our life ,it is not easy but you will go through. It is 2 different way to cop: first if you can see his pictures,or write to him – this was not my way unfortunetly . The second one was mine and my husband. We couldn’t see his pictures,walking in his room for 8 months and still cannot touch his staff,make will wait till we can. Try to find psychotherapy which is good one . You can do it from your work ,just ask about EAP service. I had 3 psychotherapefts which I chose from 15 others. If you usto youga or mindfulness try to find this as well. If you need more info or my personal experience with grief I can help you .Sent your email or phone. Remember that you will get through . Pain cannot be forever and don’t listen anybody who are starting from words such as tremendous loss ,it will take forever. You need to find people who
      Would say together we wil,we must get through one get our life on truck.

  110. My son had love and hope

    • I too have lost my only child. My husband and I tried to get pregnant for 5 years and we considered him our little a miracle. He was a perfect son and I would thank God everyday for him. We almost like we felt he was too good for us. To answer your question, I do not know! He took his life on April 8, 2017. I have his 25th birthday is 3/21 and then the anniversary of his death. Everything is starting to feel fresh again just like the days after it happened. I can’t stop thinking about him, 24 hours a day – I miss him so much.

      • Hi Pam. My son berth day same as your son ,we are going to celebrate his 30 in 2019. And also anniversary of death in February . It is going to be not easy but I will invite our family to have small gathering prior do discuss how we want to do it. What ever it is we have to,live has our family around ,continue to grieving but with ease,because we are not alon . If you need my help. I promis to you that I will help you .
        Regards .

  111. The first post sounds so much like mine. My husband of 54 years ended his life on December 4, 2017. He too suffered a damaging childhood that he never seemed to recover from. His “love receiver” was broken despite loads of people who loved, respected, enjoyed him, and honoured him. I chased him our whole marriage but never seemed to reach his deepest empty space. Only God could and as much as God loved him, my husband could not receive God’s love either. He gave his heart to God, though, walls and all. He refused to seek help because I suspect he doubted anyone really cared or could change his feelings. Now I find myself lost to me and in need of great repair.

    • Damaging childhoods are at the root of so much suffering in this world. Abandonment, emotional and physical abuse, neglect, bullying, hunger, shame, humiliation. The list goes on and on. It runs rampant here in the US and across the globe. So much unnecessary pain. Childhood lasts a lifetime. I know this much is true!

  112. Just a week ago today, my ex boyfriend killed himself. He was only 17 years old. The last 6 weeks of his life, I haven’t spoken to him. We dated for about 6 months, but he couldn’t handle a stable relationship or stay committed to one girl (me). He would talk about how he wants to die and wants the pain to end, but I would always talk him out of it and say how he has so much potential. He only has to get thru one more year of high school. He’s not alone, and if he were to go thru with something like this, he would deeply affect many people such as his family and friends. He didn’t see how loved and appreciated he truly was. He hurt me, this unfortunate situation doesn’t justify his actions. I put my all into him, I made him promise me that no matter what happens, he won’t give up on himself. But he kept pushing me away, lied to me, proved unloyal, I had no choice but to let go. I was losing my happiness trying to make him happy. He had a hard family life, and now that I think more about this, maybe he needed love and affection from multiple girls because he wasn’t secure in himself and didn’t receive that kind of love at home. He made all of us girls feel special, as if we were the only ones, so we would give him everything we had to offer. Despite everything, he never deserved to lose his life. He was multi-talented. Played basketball, cooked, smart at computers. He wanted to either become a computer engineer or a fashion designer,. He had so many dreams, to become a professional basketball player, or a vlogger on YouTube. He didn’t believe in himself tho. Although we weren’t compatible together, I never stopped loving and caring about his well being. I hoped that one day he’d find happiness and security in himself, so one day he could’ve learned and been secure in the right girl, the right way. I never lost someday that I was so close to before. We talked everyday, he was my first for a lot of things. We made so many unforgettable memories. All I’m doing right now is trying to make sense of all of this. The way he died is tragic. He jumped in front of a train. What triggered him to do such a thing? What were his last few thoughts? Last people he thought of? Did he plan this? All of these unanswered questions. I lose focus in school, I can’t get him out of my head. I feel so bad for his family. His memorial was 3 days ago, and I’m not a good public speaker, but I still spoke in front of everyone to pay my respects to him and his family, because I know that was the right thing to do. It hasn’t gotten easier, there’s so many fagors to this. It wasn’t just all fun and games with us, we have a history, we’ve been thru a lot, but at the end of the day he was a human being with a family and friends who loved him endlessly. He always made everyone around him happy, cracked a joke or put people before himself. Now is the time where despite our differences. we all need to come together and support one another in hard times like these. All of my thoughts are jumbled right now, it’s so hard to comprehend this. All I have are the memories to hold onto now. He’ll never graduate high school, or go into college like he wanted to do. He had so much going for him. I learned from all this, to never take any moment or person for granted. Because you never know what day may be their last, or what may be their making or breaking point. Be kind to everyone, even if they seem happy, because you never know what a person is going thru behind closed doors.

  113. I am very sorry for everyone here and their losses! I understand how catastrophic, and hard suicide is on the Survivors left to grieve. Unfortunately I have felt this loss myself several times. Through loss of Family to suicide, as Well as My husband 5 yrs ago, then again when my Fiance took his life a little over one year ago. There are not enough resources and trained support for the Survivors in my opinion. I have had a very hard time trying to cope with these losses. The loss of my fiance last year being even more traumatizing for me, as I had found his body after receiving a text from him telling me what he was about to do. The officers told me my fiance must have been gone for 20 minutes or so, it had taken me that long to arrive home and try and stop him. He had also used one of my own personal firearms to shoot himself in the mouth. The way I found him is etched in my mind, and will probably never go away. I have frequent nightmares of that evening, as well as dreams that it never happened…only to wake to the grief of remembering he is really gone. It was hard for me to speak of to anyone at first. Especially when I could tell some only showed interest in there own curiosity rather then out of care for my well being. Then there were the unsolicited opinions of others about how my beloved being “Selfish” Weak, or other things that only enraged me or caused me to become even more isolated, quiet then finally cut myself out of the outside world all together. I had to seek out support from a website specifically catering to Survivors of such loss, though it wasn’t a trained therapist or Dr. I myself had began making plans to take my own life, when I couldn’t deal with the constant Stress and deep depression that has taken over. And even though I realized all too well how family and friends would feel if I died, I couldn’t cope anymore. And I also did not want to burden anyone else again about my feelings and be done with this. I have been tormented, stalked, and blamed by my late Fiance’s friends and family. Accused of harming him because, my late Husband had also died by suicide with a gun. There aren’t enough resources or even training for professionals on these matters. It is something that has to change. I hope one day to live through this, carry on, and possibly get myself together enough to help others. Even if it is only one person who is suffering this way? Or even help someone else change their mind about taking their own lives. For now? All I can do is hope to LIVE!!

    • Hello Sky? If you are reading this I hope you respond back. My heart just dropped when I read your post, because I am feeling the exact same way. My fiance and I were sitting on the couch watching tv until he suddenly shut the tv off, cuddled me very silently for half an hour, then pulled a gun out from nowhere and shot himself while I was trying to pull it off of his head. This was almost 5 years ago. I found out I was pregnant a week later. I feel like I am literally going crazy and have no one to turn to. I have had his friends and family blame me, and just cannot get over him. I feel like i have been scarred for life and have not gone to counseling. I am from a small town and tried to go to a counselor, and in our first meeting his exact words were “so if he killed himself 3 months ago, why are you suddenly here now?” I knew he would never understand and just walked out without a word. If you are reading this please email me at [email protected] I would really like to even just talk to you and I would really like to listen. Thanks

    • Hello, I am also able to relate to this post, my friend was talking to me over social media when he killed himself 16 months ago now. He briefly mentioned messages on the night about what he was about to do but being the young joker lad he was he always used humour about things like this so how was I to know? I forever feel a strong wave of guilt and are being blamed by his family for not helping him or trying to save him. The whole situation is really getting me down what can I do.

  114. I just came across this still trying to come to terms with the loss of my father in June. Telling our story and acknowledging it happened seems to be my way to grieve.
    I live fours away. At 2 am on June 12th, my boyfriend’s phone rang. My sister in law said for me to call my mom. “It’s important!” He hung up and told me. My nerves were already sent in spirals. I have three brothers, my papa, nieces, nephews, my in law’s , daddy…if it was important and at 2 am I knew something was wrong. I called my mom’s phone. My brother answered. I said what’s going on. He said “Matt ( my dad, his stepdad) shot himself.” I was just stuck. “What?” Is all I could think to say. “You’re dad shot himself. He’s in surgery now.” I had to hand the phone to my boyfriend. I couldn’t relay that. I just immediately dead faced, began packing our bags.
    It wasn’t until I got there that I made someone tell me exactly what happened. I felt a NEED to know.
    Back story. My dad had a rough life coming up. His parents split. My mom kept him from his dad until her was old enough to move in with him. Though that didn’t stop him from loving the heck out of his children (2 stepsons, me and my little brother) and loving my mom for 26 years. He had recently had a drug problem. Didn’t stop him from being awesome. I say that because it wasn’t known at the time. We did some snooping in his room while he was in the hospital. By going through his phone it was clear it was an everyday thing. He had text his dealer the Friday before it happened and never got a reply or phone call back.
    Back to hearing exactly what happened. (After piecing together that he was having withdrawals all weekend) Sunday came and my mom said around 12 pm he left the house. He didn’t come back until 8 and was heavily intoxicated. She said she wasn’t sure how he even made it home. He continued to drink and started arguing with her so she walked out of the bedroom and into the family area and sat on the couch. About 5 minutes later, my dad walked into the room pointed a small caliber pistol point blank at my mother’s head and pulled the trigger. The gun didn’t go off (It was his mother’s gun and I’ve never seen it fires in my lifetime because something was wrong with the firing pin) In pure shock my mom could only sit there. He immediately went back into the bedroom right next to the family room and my mom could hear him getting so angry at the gun. He was slamming it down and pulling the trigger. Moments later it went off. My mom heard it hit the ground so she ran in the room. My dad had fallen back onto the bed. She didn’t know what happened until she ran to him. My mom’s dad lives with them and he called 911.
    Before the ambulance or cops got there my poor baby brother. (23) was stopping by to get something to eat. When he stepped out of his truck he could hear the sirens and saw the front door open. When he got inside my papa told him. He went into my parents room thinking it was a body shot.
    My mom and brother held his hands and my dad said he was so sorry and that he loved us. My mom said he kept saying “Tell me to hold on. Tell me that you need me here.” HE WAS TALKING TO THEM! Trying to stand but my mom wouldn’t let him. He even told the cops what happened. Talked to the ambulance people. My mom said he was talking until they closed the doors to the ambulance.
    One cop that secured the pistol took it down the road (because there was still one bullet in the gun.and my brother told him it didn’t work) The officer fired it 67 times and the second bullet never fired.
    When we finally got to the hospital at 6 am. My mom hadn’t been able to see my dad. He had just come out of surgery to relieve pressure in his brain. She hadn’t seen him since they left her house.
    When we could finally go back into the STICU he didn’t look himself. Very thick bandage wrapped what had to be 500 times around his head. He was swollen.
    The next day was a family meeting. Most know how doctors are. They can’t you 100% anything so sometimes you’re left thinking, There is hope though! We chose to push forward. Started dialysis for his kidneys. He was on a ventilator. Blood pressure medicine. Heavy sedation and paralyss medication. Every day, every nurse “Any changes?” As that’s my daddy you hear them say the pressure went from 50 to 40 and you think that’s good. But you can hear it in their voice it’s not.
    We had our first family conference on Monday. Wednesday the hospital Chaplin came in. I didn’t like it at all. Friday, no changes. Another family conference was called. They told us they could see he had suffered at least 12 stroked since being put on the ventilator. My heart shattered. My mom didn’t want to let go. I didnt. People pull through these things, you read miracles all the time. Something inside me knew it wouldn’t happen. My dad wouldn’t want to live that way. My mom couldn’t do it…so I had to have a never want to have with your mother. We decided as a family that we would keep him with us through the following Sunday. ( Father’s Day) Putting a time on my father’s life is something that still clings to my mind. We got him a card and balloons. My boyfriend bought him socks so his feet would stay warm. (My dad hated being cold) We got him a camp bandana to cover the gauze. He was a welder so he always wore a bandang under the welding cap. On Monday at about 5:30 with my mom, brothers, his brother and myself all by his side the nurses took out the tube. Four minutes he was gone. Really gone. Watching my mom beg him to fight and wake up. It took all my siblings to hold her up and keep her from tugging on him. He was gone. I told my brothers to take her out of the room. I would stay. I would sign the paper work to release him.
    Reading his death certificate made it all very real. I know and my family knows it wasn’t him that made that decision that night. That wasn’t my daddy. Not the hero I knew. The one that raised me, held my hand through life. Not him. I wish I could see him. My daughter had just turned one. We had her birthday party the day before the incident. My parents couldnt make it because of an unreliable vehicle and money issues. I want him to see her walk and talk.
    My younger brother’s son is three. His papa was his bestfriend. He says he so far away in heaven. He asks my mom why she cries. She says she misses papa and my nephew tells her “Daddy does too” He saw my dad’s hat sitting in the room and said papa needs his hat. He doesn’t go anywhere without it. I’m just still so lost. He was just the best man in the world and know I’m 26 without my father. My nieces and nephews witour their Papa. My mom without her husband.
    I’m sorry for details. This runs through my head everyday. Every single day. I wake up to remind myself he’s not a phone call away anymore. I’ll never get one of those hugs that last forever. Every time I visited home he’d say “I miss you, Ash but you guys are doing a great job.”
    HE had so many friends and family that loved him.
    *I miss you everyday, daddy. Love, your babygirl”

  115. My son ended his life two days after Christmas this last year. He had just turned 20 ten days before. I am in my year of “firsts”. This is a good article and I can relate to most of it. I cringe when I hear “committed” suicide.
    bound or obligated to a person or thing, as by pledge or assurance; devoted:
    People who take their life don’t want to die, they are desperate and see no other way to end their pain, or end the pain they feel they are causing people they love.
    I also cringe when I hear “completed” suicide. It sounds as if the person had been working on a project or goal and finally finished it. Usually completing something is seen as an accomplishment. I think one of the hardest thing for me has been the feelings of isolation that have come from others not knowing how to allow me to be where I am in my grieving while at the same time not leaving me alone in my grief. The reality is if you have not experienced it you just cannot understand….and that is truly a good thing.

    • Hey Jill my name is house i am 24 years old as of today. My best friends and little brother who was 22 shot himself in front of me. We had been drinking and he pulled over for drunk driving. He thought he was doing us a favor bc he didn’t want to disappoint us anymore. Not a day goes bye i don’t think about him every second and am depress. This happend 6 weeks ago today. Would love to hear from u and understand these kind of things. My heart goes out to especially knowing how much his pain feels. It is harder for me to wake up somedays And I’m sure it hurts u. I am going to start something to help people in need. Thank u Houston

  116. At fifteen my best friend of 7 years committed suicide, at an age too young to fully comprehend the choice she had made i spiralled uncontrollably. At 16 i was a dependant drug addict struggling with severe anxiety, depression and ptsd, by the age of 17 i was in and out of trouble with the law and in a dangerous abusive relationship,and by the age of 18 i was a single parent. times were extremely hard following the death of someone with whom i had made so many plans! suicide can have such a devastating impact on the lives of those who are left behind, feelings of anger, grief, betrayal, confusion and hurt are normal, however when left unspoken can warp someones world into the depths of hell. SUICIDE can kill those still living every day and there needs to be more resources to turn to in order to prevent this! so much could have been done to prevent my friends death, as an adult looking back its hard not to miss this! And to anyone either grieving a loss or contemplating the worse, as cliche as it my sound it truly can get better, become a survivor of your past! in the 5 years since my loss i have been lower than i thought possible , but with the right help i am now blossoming into the person i should have always been, at 20 i am now a recovered addict of 2 years, i am a mother to the most beautiful little soul i have ever had the honour to welcome into my life, i am studying to become a nurse, i am happy. there are days where i am sad, and everyday i still think about and miss someone who was once my only friend, but i am happy.

  117. my husband and best friend of 30 years ended his life august 2016. there was no autopsy so i will never know for certain what was going on inside his brain & body. it appeared that his chemistry was altered negatively after two months on a prescription he was given for his enlarged prostate. the Rx worked great for his prostate BUT my happy laid back 66 year old surfer (who ran circles around many of his younger friends) started having panic attacks, anxiety and depression. we discussed this with the urologist who prescribed the Rx who informed us to cut back on the medication and discussed a surgical alternative which was our plan. we stopped the prostate medication and tried to rid his body of any of the drug’s lingering residue. we immediately went to another doctor for a physical and bloodwork which only yielded positive results about his health. this 2nd doctor just followed their protocols and threw anxiety and depression meds at him. if only, i had pushed harder to get more tests done on his brain. i will never know if there was a tumor that caused this or maybe his choice to end his life was a side-effect from the depression meds he was given. a part of me is glad that he is no longer suffering but i feel like his anxiety and depression have been transferred to me. i’m tough and am facing this head on in hopes that i can find joy again but it is a struggle. i don’t discuss how his life ended with most people because even some of my closest friends feel the need to share their unsolicated opinion of suicide and frankly my dear . . .

  118. I say my brother took his life bc killed himself feels rude. 2 years today I’ll be writing about him today on ty for this

    • I’m so sorry Aibon. The anniversary, or death-i-versary, or crap-i-versary or whatever you want to call it, is hard year after year. Thank you for your language suggestion. I agree, ‘took his life’ sounds a little less harsh than ‘killed himself’.

  119. I lost my partner to suicide in June 2016. I found his body. It was the most horrific experience but I would rather it was me that found him than anyone else. I am now going through intense therapy as I have been diagnosed with PTSD caused by what happened. It’s so hard because I want to be thinking about our memories and time together and I want to be able to grieve but I feel like I can’t because of the ptsd every time I think of him everything is clouded by horrible images. I feel like I’m not able to grieve properly.

  120. My son lost his battle with Bipolar disorder a year ago. I am still struggling and fighting mine. I don’t think how you word things matters as they are all just gone. My heart is broken and I don’t think it will ever heal! I have experienced so much loss as I was 14 when I got pregnant and the love of my life died when I was 5 months pregnant. The day I lost my son, I relived all of the grief of losing his father all over again and the grief of losing my son. I don’t think saying my son committed suicide is any different than saying his father died in a car wreck. All I can say is no matter how you say it, they are both gone and never coming back and I am left here wishing I was with them!!

  121. my husband killed himself in front of me with a pistol to the head. we got in a huge fight because he was so drunk, i blamed myself for the fight but i dont know , he knew what he was doing and it started the fight. i have a terrrible temper and i simply wanted him to sober up. it killed him , the gun might have ended his life but he was ready to die. he knew he was dying from the alcohol. i loved him and i do not think it is a selfish disease and i truly dont think it will ever stop because no one talks anymore and no one listens anymore. i am really down right now so my comments are not to refreshing,

  122. My only Son Sean died Mother’s Day night or very early Monday morning. He had just got back from officer development school for 5 wks. He graduated that on May 6 th. We went to R.I. To watch his graduation. My son was a third year medical student. He was at our house for Mother’s Day & then left for USC/Keck Medical school. He was to start s new rotation & his 4th year Monday. He was worried about where to met up with his class. After he was gone for the 5 wks & his professor didn’t answer his emails. When I texted him off & on Monday & none of my text were read I knew something wasn’t right. When his father died in 2007 of cancer. Our rule between us was don’t worry the other one. By Tuesday after his stepfather & I made tons of calls the police were called. They entered into the apartment to find him hanging. I had no idea Medical students & physicians are 4 times likely to kill themselves then the general population. Plus they are the most successful because of there training.

    I understand the word killed himself is hard for some to say but I see it like this for me. My son could not have been in his right mind to kill himself. I don’t say committed because it sounds like he is guilty of something. No way was that true. He didn’t commit a crime he was mentally out of it. This is why I chose to say he killed himself by suicide. Then I explain it to people what happened. I know each of us have our own journey. No two are the same I say do what feels right for you. It’s painful enough without having to worry how to phrase something when you talk about your loved one.
    My son never ever showed any depression to no one. It was such a shock to me, his stepfather & other family. Plus the friends and any of his professor’s. It’s the Medical schools dirty little secret. The day he died my husband was told to name a price & not to worry about the amount. Imagine that in the first few hours of finding out your son is dead being offered money. More than likely hush money to me. We said no thank you because no money could ever bring my son Sean Petro back. I plan on shouting it from the roof tops to spread the word about Medical students & Physcians suicides.

  123. On August 28th my boyfriend shot himself in the head in front of me. My heart Stopped the moment i seen the gun right before i put it to his head. i screamed his name and ran towards him . it is still all so not real to me . I dont want to accept that this is it . we were not fighting . we were happy going to get married. it plays over and over in my head i get a little closer each time . His eyes never leave mine , I even tried to catch his body. I see him everywhere i go , i use to love it when he would look at me and smile only now he is not smiling . I miss him so much i want this nightmare to be over

  124. My precious son suffered from Bipolar Disorder, his told me there is no hell, hell is here on this earth ! His ex-fiancé tormented him and stalked him and sent him a sms telling him to do everyone a favour and kill himself.
    I moved him back to our home after his 2nd attempt and also sent him to a rehab centre in KZN. I watched and kept vigil for 9 months barely sleeping at night, he suffered so much, he could not sleep, the medication for his Bipolar did not work, sleeping pills up to 6 did not work at all ! I sat with him for hours each night talking, he told me that I would have to accept that he could not carry on in this world, he felt like an outcast, did not fit in or belong. His so called friends mocked him when he did not drink calling him names, alcohol does not help Bipolar at all, they had seen it. Sadly one night I slept through the night and my son completed suicide, nothing could have prepared me for the pain, grief or sorrow that I still go through, the total lack of empathy. Family have forgotten him, never say his name. It’s as if he did not exist ! People have said shocking things to me, I now lash out and tell them that until they have walked in my shoes they know nothing. I am asked am I over it ? What is it ?! Am I better ? I feel immense anger and I know I am not the same person, how could I be. I tried and have no guilt feelings because I did all I could for him, but dear God since he died a part of me died too ! The sun does not shine anymore and there are days I wish I was dead too. Our family has been shattered in pieces, it’s always that empty chair, no future with him in it. His sister suffers from Bipolar too and misses him terribly – I also lost my first baby girl only after 10 days – so I find life very hard, and cannot enjoy myself or seem to be able to come to terms with this awful empty, sad and bereft feeling. How am I supposed to get over it ? I am harsh with idiots who say the wrong things I tell them to get lost, to leave me alone ! They say other’s have worse things happen to them, is that helpful ? May God help me get through another day as each day is a challenge and no one knows just what his death has done to my soul.

    • No…it is not helpful for people to tell you others have worse things happen to them. If that were something you would find comfort in, you would have arrived upon that conclusion yourself – I am so sorry for the lack of understanding and empathy you have found in the world. You have experienced immense losses, and I am not at all surprised that you have not gotten over them. You will never “get over” them per se, instead life will hopefully get easier as you learn to live with them. Have you considered a support group or speaking to a counselor? The right counselor could help to provide a supportive and nonjudgmental place to work through all the complicated experiences and emotions your dealing with. Also, the right support group could provide an environment of people who (in some ways, but not all) understand where you’ve been. I wish there was more we could do to help from all the way across the Internet 🙁 I do believe the National Alliance on Mental Illness has support groups as well as the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. My thoughts are with you.

  125. My precious son suffered from Bipolar Disorder, his told me there is no hell, hell is here on this earth ! His ex-fiancé tormented him and stalked him and sent him a sms telling him to do everyone a favour and kill himself.
    I moved him back to our home after his 2nd attempt and also sent him to a rehab centre in KZN. I watch and kept vigil for 9 months barely sleeping at night, he suffered so much, he could not sleep, the medication for his Bipolar did not work, sleeping pills up to 6 did not work at all ! I sat with him for hours each night talking, he told me that I would have to accept that he could not carry on in this world, he felt like an outcast, did not fit in or belong. His so called friends mocked him when he did not drink calling him names, alcohol does not help Bipolar at all, they had seen it. Sadly one night I slept through the night and my son completed suicide, nothing could have prepared me for the pain, grief or sorrow that I still go through, the total lack of empathy. Family have forgotten him, never say his name. It’s as if he did not exist ! People have said shocking things to me, I now lash out and tell them that until they have walked in my shoes they know nothing. I am asked am I over it ? What is it ?! Am I better ? I feel immense anger and I know I am not the same person, how could I be. I tried and have no guilt feelings because I did all I could for him, but dear God since he died a part of me died too ! The sun does not shine anymore and there are days I wish I was dead too. Our family has been shattered in pieces, it’s always that empty chair, no future with him in it. His sister suffers from Bipolar too and misses him terribly – I also lost my first baby girl only after 10 days – so I find life very hard, and cannot enjoy myself or seem to be able to come to terms with this awful empty, sad and bereft feeling. How am I supposed to get over it ? I am harsh with idiots who say the wrong things I tell them to get lost, to leave me alone ! They say other’s have worse things happen to them, is that helpful ? May God help me get through another day as each day is a challenge and no one knows just what his death has done to my soul,

  126. My son died by suicide on jan 30,2015. He felt he had no choice. His wife was going to leave him and told him to do everyone a favor and kill himself. He had 3 children a son 20 and two daughters 14 and 5, I had been with him all week and thought we made progress then I got the call from him that he loved me and not to let his 14 year old daughter in the house after school. I begged him and told him I would be right over. Well he put a suicide not on Facebook that I didn’t see and showed up to ambulance and police cars all over the street. My daughter in law was in her car and I was told to pull over and when I said who I was I was told he had died. I just remember getting out of the car and falling to my knees crying no. I still relive it all the time. Now I don’t really get to see the grandkids and she has moved on. This is really hard.

  127. I lost my son to suicide going on three years this coming Sept. He had been a drug addict for years. He started doing drugs at 17. His habit went from drinking to smoking pot and pills. He married and had two children. His wife and him started using heroin and his wife overdosed and died. After many rehabs had failed and continued non support from my family members he decided to live with them. They just let him do drugs and watched him have many stunts in jail. The drug use continued to what ever drug he could get. One morning he woke up and started drinking heavily. He took my fathers rifle, called 911 and told them he was going to take his life. As the police came to the door he pulled the trigger. He took his life in front of both my parents. I had been raising his two children since there mothers passed. I kept them away from all the dis functional drama since they were 1-2 years old. They were 14-15 when he took his life. They met there dad the day we buried him. Because I was protecting his children we only had phone communication. The guilt I carry because of that decision has been just eating at me. I know I tried with all my heart and soul to help him. He just refused any help. I have been in counseling and It has helped with my grief. I keep going back trying to figure out how I could have changed this tragic outcome. My family blames me because I kept his children from him. Not to be mean or as a punishment but to give his children a calm structured life. They are both doing very well. I am so proud of them both. Its just I miss and love and regret so much now. I second guess every choice I have made now. Is my family right? Is it my fault? God this hurts so badly. I loved my son with all my heart. I had never tried so hard to help and failed. I guess this is the after math of what suicide leaves behind. I know now after reading many books that my son had depression in his early teens. In the 80’s depression was not understood like it is now. I know I tried and loved him more than my own life. I pray for his peace. Thank you for your blog. It has helped. Bless you ?

  128. I’d like to see an article about surviving being blamed for someone else’s suicide. I had 2 friends hang themselves, the later I found and had 2 cut down. 2 yrs later some people in town still call me the black widow.

  129. My only son took his life in the morning of January 1, 2013. I am functioning pretty well now, but of course the pain is still there. Unfortunately, every year everyone is so happy and celebrating the New Year, while I am re-living his death. I am often angry at him for ruining New Year’s for me, and for abandoning me. My siblings and I are taking care of my mom now – but who is going to be there to take care of me?

    • Sue, Anger is a common emotion after a suicide loss and I am sure New Year’s is especially hard. The holidays are hard regardless after a loss, and I am sure this is only further complicated by the fact that it is the anniversary of when he took his life.

  130. I lost a spouse to suicide. He used a firearm and made me watch. I am still ‘grieving’ the loss of his life as well as mine the way I knew it. Suicide has left me with intense anxiety, triggers are everywhere, agoraphobia is getting worse as the years pass and I feel guilt for not being able to change the outcome of this nightmare that entered my world at 21 yrs old. He left behind two children: one of them our 16 month old daughter. I struggle with depression, PTSD, anxiety, flashbacks, insomnia, agoraphobia, social anxiety, and self blame. Suicide is unlike any other death. There is no one or nothing to blame but the person you loved most. That leaves you questioning every aspect of your life. It ruins relationships, and it truly changes your view on life as well as the way people view you. By the grace of God I am still here fighting the fight against suicide and our then so youg baby is now halfway through college as she graduated early and onto her dream of being a special effects make up designer. So proud of her and me! Rip weary souls and much love to all my fellow survivors. ❤

  131. Please remove my 2 posts under Mary Kral. Thank you.

    • Hey Mary,

      I am so sorry that you didn’t receive a meaningful response to your original post. Although we do monitor these comments, unless we are directly asked a question or addressed, many times we leave it to other commenters to respond. This is especially true on certain posts where we know that people are hoping to connect with others who have had similar experiences or who can relate. Please don’t take your lack of connection here as an indication that you are alone in all of this. Comment sections are really by nature very hit or miss as to whether the right person will come along and read all the comments and then respond back. Many people don’t even read comment sections by choice because they feel it’s too much. Online forums are far better places to try and connect with others online as typically every person is there to share, support one another, and connect. I will delete your other comments as you requested, but please let us know if you would like for us to recommend some forums if connecting with people online is still something that interests you.


  132. I’ve have dealt with suicide twice in my life. My first when my fiance shot himself in front of me. I thought that would be the most traumatic thing that would ever happen to me. But no. The worst thing to ever happen is when my beautiful son did the same thing. My soul has been shattered and trying to pick myself up from this is a never ending struggle. The guilt is just a strong undercurrent flowing beneath the pain. He had just turned 20. I know if I would have been with him at the time it would never had happened. I am just starting to try to live my life again. Unfortunately things aren’t going so well.

  133. My best friend of 10 years killed herself 3 weeks ago. I know she had been struggling with anxiety and depression for the past 2 years and I always did everything I could to help her cope with her mental health issues. There were times when I knew she was really distressed because she would call or text me frequently to describe the way she was feeling. Anxiety and depression run in my family so I was able to offer her good advice and accept the way she was feeling without judging her. However, her mental health was clearly deteriorating the past year. It had gotten to the point where she wasn’t the same old friend anymore. It saddened me because I tried to help her and make her feel better but there was nothing I could do. Spending time with her wasn’t the same – it was almost like her eyes were glassed over and her physical body was present but her mind was elsewhere. This made me not want to spend as much time with her until she resolved her issues. I feel guilty for saying that now that she’s dead. She called me 2 days before she hung herself. When we spoke on the phone she explained to me that she had dropped out of school a few months back after she was hospitalized for a week after having a mental breakdown (and being officially diagnosed with bipolar disorder) and had moved home with her family and recently started a part-time job. I commended her for her efforts and told her that mental illness doesn’t have to be the end of your road. She was very smart and had aspirations of becoming a teacher or nurse. I told her that she was smart, strong and hard-working. She expressed to me that she was “so mad” that she had to deal with bipolar disorder for the rest of her life. I urged her to not look at it that way. I explained to her that there are millions of people living in the world with mental illness and many of them are functional and successful (as long as they take their medication and continue therapy). I reminded her that I am always here for her despite the fact we don’t see each other regularly (she was in school in DC and me in RI). I didn’t think anything much of that phone call because I assumed I would be seeing my friend the following week. It wasn’t until the Friday morning after that phone call with my friend that I received another phone call from her close cousin telling me that she had killed herself. When I received that news my body fell into shock. I began crying and shaking, I could barely eat anything. My mind could barely process what had just happened and my first thought was “I need to tell my family and close friends”. Luckily, when I received the horrible news, I was in the presence of my college roommates (who are also my best friends) they offered me so much love and support. Being in the presence of close friends and family has definitely helped me cope with my friend’s loss. The first few days after her death I was a wreck – I hate crying and I probably cried for 48 hours straight – it was mentally and physically exhausting. Once I attended the wake and funeral for my friend I felt much better and I felt a sense of closure. Sadly, this is not something that I will ever fully recover from. 3 weeks have passed since I lost my best friend and her loss hits me in waves. Just last night I was reading through old Facebook messages between the two of us, admiring our funny and witty conversations, and it really hit me that I will never be able to have another conversation with her again. And then I started crying again. Luckily my mother was home and was able to hold me and reassure me it’s not my fault my friend killed herself. But it’s hard to not think “what if there was something else I could have done to help her”. I realize now that it is not my fault she killed herself.

  134. My son took his own life 3months ago at the age of 30. The pain is still intense. We are a family broken. We live with the what ifs and why’s everyday. I want to leave the town where we live. Everywhere reminds me of him. I live in NZ, there is still great stigma around suicide here, and debate about how much should be reported in the media regarding the high suicide rates here. The powers that be are of the opinion the more that is reported, the more it may happen, ie copycat deaths. I wish it wasn’t this way and we could be open and a acknowledge what is a tragic epidemic here in NZ. Funding cuts to mental health services have done a great disservice to those who seek help before the act. We miss our son immensely. Still early day’s, but a friend who went through the same tragedy, said as a family, keep talking and supporting each other. I find getting out for long walks, and still talking to him help somewhat. Also being aware that social media can slap you in the face with memories your not quite ready for. I wish everyone on this grief journey well and have found this a good article to read. Thankyou

  135. Thank you for your posting. I have used your site many, many times as a chaplain and have referred so many other caregivers and bereaved to these helpful resources. Now, in the midst of my on journey through the wildness of grief, after the completion of suicide of my nephew this past Easter, I’m now numb and know many of these ‘truths’ will have new meaning in my life now and moving forward. Grateful. Journey on…

  136. My brother shot himself 13 months ago. He had been planning for almost a year. All business and paperwork was organized and his note told his wife where to find everything. My family barely speaks of the event and the lack of support from friends really surprised me. I need to find a support group, but that is difficult in the semi-rural area where I live.

  137. My 11 year old daughter died by suicide in January this year. She taklked abour ‘wanting to die’ six weeks before she died by suicide. This was her death.
    She was beautiful, talented, loved and happy. We are still shell shocked.
    We took her to her doctor. We got her to see a therapist. She made plans, danced, played piano. But she still died by suicide.
    It can happen ti anyone. Young adolecents are particularly at risk and need to be taught emotional resilance.
    That will be my gial to honour her.

    • Fiona
      I am so sorry about your daughter…I agree that life is so much more busy and complicated for young people today…they need to learn coping skills, but sadly many don’t and the madness of this technology, Facebook, etc keeps people from being really connected as they were in the past.
      Technology is good of course, but I think some young people and adults overuse it as a way to feel connected when in fact they are not…we NEED real connections with real people

  138. My brother killed himself last year he was 47 years old after battling depression and illness. I struggle daily coming to terms with what has happened to our family, I feel robbed of a future without my only sibling.
    I will say that most people avoid asking about how I am coping, and many friends have dropped of the radar, almost to the point where it is never mentioned. This is extremely difficult to deal with as you’ve always hope that your nearest and dearest will there for you in your darkest hours.

    I have joined a local support group (SOBS) and straight away I felt less alone and my mood is always lifted. It helps that others are experiencing the same emotions.
    I know my life is changed and I do wonder when I will find my zest for life again…

    • I am so sorry for the loss of your brother. My son was my daughter’s only sibling and they were so close…as a mom it makes me so sad as I am very close to my siblings.
      What does SOBS stand for? Is it just in your local area?

  139. my only son was one of those 41,149 he died by suicide 09/28/13
    from depression and compounded by substance abuse
    i miss him

    • I’m so sorry Rose. My heart goes out to you 🙁

    • I am so sorry Rose…my son suffered from anxiety and depression…he overdosed from heroin January 22, 2016…he knew this stuff could kill him as he overdosed before
      I feel the pain was too much for him and the drugs made it “better”
      I would be willing to guess that mental illness is behind most if not all drug overdoses…

  140. What is ALS please?

    • ALS, or amyotrophic lateral sclerosis, is a progressive neurodegenerative disease that affects nerve cells in the brain and the spinal cord. A-myo-trophic comes from the Greek language. “A” means no. “Myo” refers to muscle, and “Trophic” means nourishment – “No muscle nourishment.” When a muscle has no nourishment, it “atrophies” or wastes away. “Lateral” identifies the areas in a person’s spinal cord where portions of the nerve cells that signal and control the muscles are located. As this area degenerates it leads to scarring or hardening (“sclerosis”) in the region.
      A person with ALS loses their ability to walk, talk, swallow, move and breath. It is a horrible disease for which there is no cure nor treatment. The prognosis is 2-5 years from diagnosis.

  141. My little sister killed herself 10 years ago, she was 20. She was a heavy heroin user but had decided to get clean. I got a phone call from my parents to tell me she was in hospital, my first reaction was her partner had beat her up, which happened on a regular basis but when we got there they wouldn’t let me see her, we were put in a room to wait. The police came in to inform us that she hanged herself in a homeless unit, her partner found her and they tried to revive her. We were told that she was brain dead and wouldn’t gain consciousness, my parents turned her life support off at 11am and she held on until 11.35pm if she lasted another 25 minutes they would have switched the life support back on. I didn’t grieve at the time I put it to the back of my mind as my mum needed me, my husband was deployed with the army the year after and then came back with an injury so I just kept ignoring the signs so I can be the strong for everyone around me, now I have had a breakdown and am currently going through test as the doctors believe I have Chronic Fatigue. At my sisters 10 year anniversary it hit me like a brick and everything has just fallen apart, I am now trying to work through my feelings but it’s hard, but I do hope one day that I will be able to accept my sisters death and be able to move on, I will never forget her just don’t want it to hurt as bad.

    • Unresolved grief will catch up with you as you have found out.
      Time DOES not heal all wounds, it is the action you take (grief counselor/grief support group etc) Just as flat tire will remain flat unless you take action to mend it
      You can sit by that tire all day and it will not mend itself…same with a broken heart, take action to heal and you will feel better

  142. My brother killed himself in February 1986. He was 7 1/2 years older than me and he died eight days after my wedding and after having run off a month before. Although it’s been 30 years it’s affected everything I do and say. It affected my parenting, I attributed drugs to my brother’s death. He had been depressed and had emotional problems since he was very young and the problems were never addressed. This article means a lot to me. Thank you for that. I tried to commit suicide more than once, twice while he was alive and three times since then. My granddaughter keeps me alive now. We’re so close and the thought of her suffering because of my dying in that type of way keeps me alive.

  143. My mother was one of the 41,149 suicides in 2013, and this blog had been a huge part of my healing. I think all of this has been touched upon by your post and the comments, but some of the things I was unprepared for in grieving my mother’s suicide included:
    – How many people asked me (and continue to ask me) how my mother died; I think this is because I’m relatively young to have lost a parent (I was 27 when she died), but I didn’t really expect people to ask me outright. At first I was uncomfortable answering this question and used to tell half-truths about alcohol abuse and medication overdose, but now I’m completely honest with every person that asks me, because I want to do my part to reduce the stigma of suicide. (To be clear, I have no judgments of others who choose not to share this information about their loved one’s death, and I know there are lots of good reasons why people are not comfortable sharing something so personal.)
    – It sometimes felt like people revoked some of their sympathy after learning that my mother had died by suicide, as if the loss were somehow less profound and my grief was somehow less deserving of compassion and support.
    – Conflict with my family members, especially in the beginning. I wanted us to acknowledge as a family that my mom’s death had been intentional and not accidental, and I received a lot of push-back initially. After receiving the death certificate I had a friend who sometimes works in partnership with the medical examiner schedule a meeting with the medical examiner to get more information about how the cause of death was determined, and after receiving that information I spoke privately with each of my immediate family members to share what I had learned. We don’t really talk about it as a family, but I feel at peace knowing that there is a common understanding of how my mom died.
    – I never noticed it before, but people make a LOT of jokes about suicide (i.e., miming a gun tot he head, jokes about killing oneself, etc.). It typically doesn’t bother me too much, but it seems that I hear a suicide joke at least once a week. And that’s probably on the low end considering almost everyone in my life knows how my mom died and I’m sure people “police” themselves around me more as a result!
    – The sense of relief was a bit of a shock. My mother had attempted suicide twice before she finally succeeded, and I think I spent several years “waiting for the other shoe to drop”, so to speak. I would fly into a panic if my mom didn’t answer the telephone or if I received an unexpected phone call from a family member. I feel less scared now, and some peace knowing that my mom’s pain is over.
    – I’m a lot needier than I was before this loss. If any of you are familiar with the idea of attachment styles, it feels as though the loss of my mother completely obliterated any secure attachments I had and I feel stuck in this space of anxious attachment (fearful that small inconsequential things will ruin the relationship, excessive fear of abandonment, etc.). I think this may go back to this idea of rejection, which is something I’ve never really thought about before.
    – And finally, I am more committed than ever before to treating my own depression and making sure I make my mental health a priority.

  144. My husband took his life in Jan 2016. The pain has been so bad that at times it takes my breath away. Many of our friends neighbors and family has never contacted me. YES there is a stigma to suicide . Also grief for suicide doesn’t exist. I have truer to get help for the pain and grief but have no where to go. I did grief share at a local church but they still read from the bible that it was a sin, I even looked for grief counsler but I can’t find any that takes my insurance Medicare and Tricare. My husband served 20 years defending our country but no help for me now that he is gone. Thank you for you article

    • I am sorry for your profound loss and I too am amazed by some of the people who have never come forward to express sympathy. It’s like they’re afraid they’ll catch something.
      Please don’t give up on GriefShare. Call around to other churches and ask if any of the facilitators have dealt with suicide. My group had one who reached out to me before the class even started.

      • the Grief Share in my area is all taught from the same book and the same video. So it will all be the same. I’m at a lost as to how to find help.

      • I never would have thought in a million years that people could be so unsympathetic or callous to such a tragedy as suicide. We lost our son and the amount of support has been nil. Yes, it’s like people are afraid that they will catch something if you share the dastardly news.

    • Peggy,
      TAPS (Tragedy Assistance Program for Survivors) is an amazing resource for military families. Their website is and their phone number is 1-800-959-8277. They are available 24 hours a day, every day. They have been immensely helpful & supportive for me and my son.
      On the website, under Events, you’ll find local group meetings and text chats, some specifically for survivors of suicide loss. They can provide you with a “peer mentor”, someone who, like you, has lost a loved one and can understand your feelings and talk to you.
      My husband took his life on May 1, 2017. I found him and struggle daily. He was retired Navy, and served for21 years. We were married for 22yrs, and I feel like half of me is gone. I’m very grateful to TAPS for helping us through this awful journey.

      • I had quite a different experience with the same well known geoup you mention. At one point calling the 24 hour line in a crisis and having a message taken and no one returning my call. I often wonder what I did wrong and why so many others have great support from them. I thought maybe it was because he died from suicide, and not killed in action.

  145. As a What’s Your Grief podcast and social media follower, I was pleasantly surprised to see this post pop up. I lost my mom to suicide 7 months ago. In reference to the other comments above, I use the phrase “died by suicide” most often. I don’t listen to the Dougy Center’s podcast very often but they did have one episode discussing this terminology that I found insightful.

    In this article, this quote definitely stood out to me: “Once they had acknowledged the inevitability of suicide they were able to weave this possibility, unwelcome as it was, into their life story to develop a coherent explanation.”

    My mom made several attempts before she succeeded. While I wouldn’t say her death was a “relief,” I assume I wasn’t as shocked as others in my situation could’ve been.

    The stigma is definitely something that continually needs to be addressed. Thanks for continuing the conversation!

  146. I still have difficulty saying my son died by suicide. After almost 2 years I still stare at his death certificate in disbelief. When asked how he died, I just tell them alcohol and guns do not mix. He showed no signs of depression prior to his death, just the alcoholism. With my personal experiences alcohol & drug addiction are being left out of the equation when discussing suicide prevention.

    • Jen
      I so agree with you…drugs and alcohol do such damage to the “happy parts of the brain” and the sadness created is unbearable for many people

  147. I prefer saying “she took her own life”.

  148. I lost my husband to ALS, and 2 years later my oldest son died from ALS, then 4 months after that my youngest son died by suicide. For me there is such a difference in grieving between a death from a physical cause and a suicide. I have felt all the emotions, blame, guilt, anger, sadness, rejection, unworthiness, failure isolation, etc. I realized that my oldest son chose to die too. He opted out of his breathing machine because he said he had had enough of the pain, and since there is currently no cure for ALS, he chose even the day he was to take his mask off. He was attended by Hospice and it was “socially” acceptable. I came to realize that my youngest son who took his life by suicide had those very same feelings of hopelessness and believing that there wasn’t a cure for his feelings and emotional pain, but his death is attached to a stigma. One son had a visible disease and the other had an invisible disease, but they both chose to end their pain. I am now going to a therapist and it is helping me cope much better.

  149. Thank you for this well written, perfectly timed article. I am in yet another phase of grieving the loss of my son 16 months ago. You brought up many things that I had “set aside”, forgotten, and needed to hear again.
    When I speak about the event, I chose to say “He took his own life.” because it’s hard for me to say the “S” word.

    • Completed sounds like he’s been studying/working on suicide…and then he “completed” it….that sounds weird to ME I always say “my son took his own life through suicide”

      • How about a suicide completer? I’m sorry but that generalizes the unique circumstances surrounding suicide and there is nothing ‘general’ about that kind of death.

  150. I, understand, the saying “committed” is upsetting. “Committed” sounds like a crime. “Committed robbery”, ” committed arson”, “committed murder”. My son COMPLETED SUICIDE. Thats the only way I will ever say it. I can’t say that he blew his head away. Nobody wants to hear that descriptive phrase.

    • Yes, I often want to say “he shot himself in the head,” but I know that would cause too much distress for the listener.

      • Hi Sue, I don’t know if you ever listen to the radio show This American Life but if you do (or if your want to check it out) there is an episode called Birds and Bees and the last third of the show is about helping kids who lost someone to suicide learn how to talk about it open and honestly. Your comment made me think of the episode. You can listen to it online here

        • Litsa – I love this American Life. 🙂 I have no children around me to talk to, I was referring to other adults that I had/have to break the news to.

          • Hi Sue, sorry I wasn’t clear! It isn’t about telling children. It is about how we want to talk about it vs how other respond. It isnt a piece on how to do or not do it, just a piece reflecting on how people react to suicide loss and how that is complicated. It may not be relevant, but just made me think of it!

      • I don’t worry about making others “uncomfortable” by speaking of my boyfriend’s suicide by overdose on 3/4/16. We were together 10 years, and we were more in love than I thought possible. Family abuse and belittling spiraled his depression and self-worth into a dark hole. He was in so much pain.

        Someone recently told me that just because I could see it unfolding, for years, and then blatantly obvious the lady few months, that doesn’t mean I could have stopped it. I begged his family to help, but they didn’t want to acknowledge his mental illness and addiction because that would damage their reputation.

        Now they are suffering.

      • Too bad for the listener! This is your experience, not theirs. I’ve been on a ‘soapbox’ for three and a half years and don’t intend to shut up just for somebody else’s sake.

    • I say my son had depression and took his life.

  151. I read the whole article, yes it was an informative subject.., but I was kinda hurt when I read your do and don’t instructions..
    Do say… “She killed herself” or “She died by suicide”
    I find it a careless and judging expression on a suicide victim.

    • Hey Jabari,

      The phrases recommended above are actually some of the language being suggested by advocacy and mental health organizations to the media, mental health professionals, and the larger society for discussing death from suicide. The intention is to replace the existing terminology, mainly the term “committed suicide” as committed refers to things like crime and religious offenses and contributes to the stigma around suicide. These suggestions are useful in that it is necessary for society on a whole to shift the way we talk about suicide. However as an individual if these terms don’t feel right to you then by all means you should choose the language that you feel most closely matches your outlook and experience. I think what’s become kind of evident in many of the comments here is that each person has to identify what kind of language they feel most comfortable with when discussing their loved one’s death.

      Thanks for your thoughts,

    • I agree that we shouldn’t have to be so careful about wording when we are talking about our own experience with a family member’s suicide. Is this supposed to help us or the person that we are relating the experience to?

  152. Rose Eiesland FosterMay 17, 2016 at 4:52 pmReply

    This is such a well written article! Another reason for me to continue to point people in the direction of this website. I have two jobs: one, as a social worker, helping adults with severe mental illness and substance use disorders and two, as a grief support provider for a local funeral home. Another important description for me which resonates in everything I do is I am a widow who lost my husband to suicide 12 years ago. This event along with a few others, sent me on a trajectory that led me to the present day, making it my life’s work helping others. The loss of someone to suicide is so complicated and so misunderstood. I appreciate so much the mention of relief in the article. That is often a taboo subject; no one wants to admit that there is an element of relief sometimes when their loved one has died. But, it can be there Shame is prevalent for alot of survivors as well as guilt. For me, the most beneficial piece to my healing continues to be talking with others who have lost a loved one. I’ve been attending a support group for over 10 years, off and on. It meant to much to me and continues to mean so much to me, to know that, at least twice a month (our group meets twice a month), I can be assured that I can be “real” with others who have walked a similar path. In that circle of support, there is no shame, only relief and support. I highly recommend this to be a useful part of support for those left behind. Silence is generally the response that survivors receive from well meaning family and friends who don’t know what to say so they say nothing. I can assure you that silence hurts. So, that is why the support group for me is a safe and validating place for support. Thank you again for this website and this article!

  153. I lost my son to an overdose suicide last year, and while I knew he would eventually succumb to his depression, I was still shocked of course. This website was a lifeline to my grieving in a good way. In the winter I felt like I needed professional help for a bit, and tried a parents of deceased children group (not a fit) then discovered a group for survivors of suicide (excellent fit)there were a few books that had recommended finding a group. ..
    “Figuring Sh*t Out” being one of the books. Groups help when you’re ready I think. But this website has continued to be my resource. Interesting definition of traumatic death, thanks!

    • Is that a real book? That title is amazing! 🙂

      I’m so glad you’ve found this website to be helpful and I’m SO glad you’ve found good in person support. Good for you for trying a second group when the first one wasn’t a good fit, so many people give up after their first try!

  154. While not technically a suicide, I feel in some respects, my son’t death was very similar.
    He overdosed in October 2015 ( I did not know this until he had died in January) and it scared him enough to get into rehab, but he used again in January knowing full well that he could die. I cry when I ask myself why he did not call me when an incident happened in rehab…instead he went to what felt good and the sadness would end…this time permanently…but my sadness may last a lifetime…I am so glad I have a great support team and my faith.

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