Grief Makes You Feel Like You’re Going Crazy

I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news for you…grief makes you feel like you’re going crazy.

In the beginning, you feel totally out of sorts – like lash out at everyone, cry over everything, wear the same sweatpants for a week insane. Then over time you only feel a bit odd every now and then – like I’m a 5’2 woman totally unwilling to let go of the 6’1 man’s tweed suit from circa 1950 that’s hanging in my closet.

Stop looking at me like that.

Fortunately, I also have good news…when it comes to grief, crazy is the new normal.

It looks different on everyone because we all experience grief in our own way, but on some level, we all struggle to understand ourselves and the world around us in the face of profound loss.

Think about it – it makes total sense. Whether the loss was sudden or you were able to anticipate it, as soon as you understood and accepted that someone you love was dead or dying you began the grueling work of grieving.

If ever a rationale for temporary insanity was needed, one could certainly be found among the range of reactions and emotions associated with grief and loss – shock, numbness, sadness, despair, loneliness, isolation, difficulty concentrating, forgetfulness, irritability, anger, increased or decreased appetite, fatigue or sleeplessness, guilt, regret, depression, anxiety, crying, headaches, weakness, aches, pains, yearning, worry, frustration, detachment, isolation, questioning faith – to name a few.

Understandably, many will find it hard to acclimate to these emotions. One day you’re walking along like normal and the next day you feel like an alien has invaded your body; your actions and reactions have become totally unpredictable and confusing.

In search of something familiar you look to your primary support system, your family and friends, but they seem changed as well; some avoid you, some dote on you, some are grieving in ways you don’t understand, and some are critical of the way you are handling things. Everyone is searching for the new normal.

The first few weeks are foggy. You wake up each morning thinking maybe it was all a bad dream and you muddle through the day trying to make sense of life without your loved one.

Just when you start to get a grip (or not) you are forced to step back into your pre-grief life. It seems absurd that the world would keep moving in the face of your tragedy, but it has. Sadly most grievers can’t abandon their duties for long – parent, employee, bill payer, pants wearer – you now have to figure out how to continue to exist in the roles that have been yours since before the death.

Alas, that is not all. You must also incorporate new roles and duties, the ones you inherited when your loved one died – mowing the lawn, balancing the household budget, single parenting, closing old bank accounts, dealing with insurance, taking in grandchildren. People tell you ‘God never gives you more than you can bear.’ Well, we’re seriously testing that theory.

Sometimes even more disorienting is the emptiness felt by those who have fewer responsibilities as a result of the loss. Perhaps you have spent the past year dealing with treatments and prescriptions, appointments, prayers, and hospice. Now that these things are no longer necessary your life, which put on hold to be a caregiver, must be restarted.

Or perhaps you’re a parent whose life was previously made colorful by a child and fast paced by the duties of parenting. Now you find yourself waking up in the morning to rush through the before school routine, only to realize there’s no one to hurry out of bed or call to breakfast.

Life is forever changed and things feel meaningless, gray, and empty.

This is when you really start to feel like you’re losing it (you’re not). Friends don’t know what to say to you anymore. You are supposed to be back to work, school, the PTA, but you don’t feel the same.

You’re worried you are alienating people by talking about your loved one and the death. You’re confused about your purpose. Everything you knew about life has changed. You’re questioning your faith and life’s meaning. You’re wondering if you are supposed to be getting better and you can no longer see the world in color.

We here at ‘What’s Your Grief’ like to talk about a condition we call ‘Temporarily unable to see rainbows’. Have you ever noticed that many of the resources, articles, books, and materials created to help people who are grieving use images of people staring off at sunsets, standing on a beach, or gazing at the clouds?

Why are these images always paired with grief when, in reality, grieving people often struggle to find the beauty and joy in life? In fact, it may be quite unlikely that you would stop and admire the beauty of a rainbow or the vastness of an ocean. No thrilled about sunsetThose who cannot relate to these images may begin to worry, what’s wrong with me that I don’t have such a Zen perspective? But don’t worry, you’re still not crazy. These are normal feelings. I know because I’ve experienced my own grief and I know because I’ve heard hundreds of other grievers talk about the same types of experiences.  (If you’re worried that you are actually experiencing a psychological disorder like depression, anxiety, or PTSD – read this and this and this)

And take comfort, at some point, things should get easier. The intense and unrelenting distress of acute grief will be replaced by less frequent moments of sadness, anger, and frustration. You will still have bad days, but you will know things are getting better when those days are outnumbered by ‘okay’ days.

This does not mean you are ‘getting over it’, moving on, or forgetting. An important part of healing is discovering the role your loved one will play in your life after their death.

And slowly…slowly…the faded colors of life become more vibrant. The world unthaws and you start to find beauty peeking through in places you would never have expected it. Your season of grief has left you weary but stronger. You know you will never be the same and you begin to accept that you must integrate your loved one and your experiences and continue to live…a little bit wary, a little bit wise, and a little bit crazy

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September 24, 2019

197 responses on "Grief Makes You Feel Like You're Going Crazy"

  1. Just over two months ago, my sister took her own life. No one saw it coming. She hid the darkness that plagued her mind in her journals and behind making others laugh. Few knew that she was emotionally and mentally abused throughout her childhood. I think the hardest parts of losing her is that I know that my mother was a huge part of her suffering. No matter how hard I tried to speak the truth into my sister’s life about Jesus’ deep forgiving-love for her, she only could hear the words in her head that she was unworthy. I tried to share with her that He was willing to enter this world and die for the worst of the worst of the things we have done wrong just so we can know Him and how much He loves us….still, the words of shame marked my sister’s mind deeply. She believed that she was unredeemable. It didn’t help that she began to hear other voices telling her to kill herself, and there were also nightmares that plagued her sleep. She experienced trauma throughout her childhood, even from the time of her first steps. I will forever miss her. She only made it to 14 years.

    I think the hardest part of grieving for my sister is that I was fighting so hard to help her get through the trauma that she had experienced with my mom. Now that she is gone, the hope that I have (had) for her is the hardest thing to let go of. I thought she was the strongest of us siblings. I thought she was going to make it through the next few years and come out stronger. I was constantly thinking of her and reaching out to her to try and let her know how much I love her and care for her. She was finally living at her dad and stepmom’s house this past year and a half, and we all thought she was in a place of healing from the trauma and emotional manipulation and abuse. I didn’t realize how much of the abuse had followed her and was torturing her to death.

    The next hardest part that I grapple with is wondering why in the world did God allow my brother and I to make it out of the abusive childhood ok and not her. The only thing that I do know is that I wouldn’t be who I am today or where I am today or at peace with myself and God had Jesus not shown up in my life and gently shown me how much I needed Him and how much He loves me. I have never been the same since that moment. That was 16 years ago.

    Grief just feels so complicated. And it is in that which makes me feel like I am losing my brain.

  2. It is going on 11 months since my mom died of breast cancer. I was fortunate to mistakenly be at the hospital when she passed – though losing her is very tough. It’s comforting reading all of these messages, because even though my brother (who is my best friend) lost the same mom, I feel desolate and so so so alone. I feel like I am bitching or complaining when I vent about my sadness. That I shouldn’t be sad anymore. Or that it’s time to get over all of this. But all of this is so so so tough. I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t have the same interest anymore. I have way more responsibilities now at the age of 28. I am taking care of family members in Africa and here. I have to make so many decisions. And in all of this, I feel like a little boy who lost his mom in the store and afraid as hell.

    Someone stated my mood perfectly. I feel “anxious, irritable, and sad” most of the time. The job that brought me joy has turned into something I loathe. The things I did for fun now feel annoying. I am struggling, and though different on each day, the waves that the grief ride on seem to crash into me everyday.

    I have decided that suicide is not an option anymore. So I work every day to be better. I do have good days. Actually many good days. Though, in the past year. I mostly have had very rough days. Days that seem so bleak and dark, that even a black hole is a more effervescent. I have a therapist, and she is great. But I still struggle.

    It feels as if this is something I won’t be able to ever get over. And maybe it’s beyond that. Maybe it’s finding ways to deal and manage, moreover than getting over.

    IDK why I am writing all this. But I feel seen. I feel seen by all of you. And I appreciate your candor and vulnerability.

  3. My mum suddenly age 70 in the USA last year. I loved her but we weren’t close. I tired to tell her when I was ten years old I was being beaten and sexually abused by my stepfather and brother but she said I was a liar and to be good. She didn’t understand, I don’t think she could. She kept me from knowing about mensuration as well as anything to do with babies. Yet from age 10 I was pursued by my older brother, what he could not do himself he had his mates do for him. I was terrified, life was cruel and I didn’t understand what I’d done wrong to deserve all this. At age 16, I fell pregnant I didn’t know anything of course. Much less that the thing I was doing would make a baby. I didn’t know I could do that! I wasn’t stupid, but I was prevent from having friends who might have told me such things. My mother forbade such talk as it was dirty. I was alone and naturally it felt lovely having someone who heard me and thought I was special. I became sick one morning after breakfast at my grandmothers house and she quickly Within a few days shipped me off to my aunties who I adored. I was delighted to go and of course trusted them implicitly. Together, they arranged an abortion for me. I didn’t know what was happening when my auntie took me to hospital, I thought it was just what you did. it was 1976, and girls weren’t counselled like they are now. They proceeded with everything and I just did what I was told. When I found out that they were going to kill my baby I screamed, cried and was utterly betrayed. I said “I didn’t know! Please don’t kill him!’ It was too late and the nurse held my hand. I’ve never forgotten that day, and shall take that pain to my grave. Why did she do this? Her reasoning was this, because her Christian friends at her church would not have understood why her daughter was pregnant. I was given no choice because she was ashamed. During childhood I suffered abuse from my stepfather, who beat and tormented me. She lied and told me he was my real father. It was at 16 she told me the truth! I had been adopted by this man who hurt me everyday if my childhood! Honestly, that year was utterly horrible. I lost who I was, and my first child al, from Luke’s my mother told! How could I love her? But I did, I still do. I loved her very much. I wanted her to love me and be proud of me. Never an encouraging word came my way. She adored my younger sister. Lavished love on her and my other three siblings, they could do no wrong. She even went to live with my sister when her third husband died. In 2018, my mother died suddenly. Her heart was never strong, and she’d been sent home after one of her many operations. I was never told she’d been unwell. Everyone else in the family knew, just not me. Three days after my 58th birthday, and three days before her birthday she collapsed on the floor in the kitchen. My mother was dead. Part of me was numb, part of me was glad she was gone. Nothing I did pleased her. In 2010, I sold my home to pay for building a hospital in Nepal. I wanted to do something lovely before I was too old and frail. You see I have fibromyalgia, M.E., degenerative disease and anxiety. I’ve always worked from age 18, raising my own family as best I could. So I wanted to help others. Everyone said I’d fail, but Six years later it is still running saving lives. I did it on my own, no one would help me. My family didn’t encourage me. My friend in Nepal who lived in the village acted as liaison but it was just us. Governmental help never came. Yes’m we had amazing volunteers who would come now and then but it was always down to me to provide money. I supported them until there was nothing left. Finally, I had to go back to work. I needed to feed myself and put a roof over my head. I was getting older and needed stability. I was happy to do what I did, my mother never once said she was proud of me. She would send the odd card on my birthday nothing more. Yet, I miss her terribly. I love her utterly and weep for the love she missed. No matter where I was I tried to remember her birthday and mother’s day. I sent her flowers often, so for her funeral I bought the biggest spray I could afford and fussed over it’s arrival from the UK to the USA. It was as large as a door, I haven’t realised from the photo! It was so beautiful. Why, is all I can ask. Why couldn’t she tell me just one time she was proud of what I did? Why could she not say that in her eyes I was a good decent person? That she felt joy because I was her oldest daughter? This year I am Taking a river cruise. Ive saved three years for it. My sister finally a year later thought to send me some of my mothers ashes. I couldn’t attend the funeral because there was no room for me. There was room for everyone else just not me. I was utterly heartbroken. I cried alone in my wee bedsit, I watched on video my older brother make a big speech, followed by otters. I alone was not there! . I have nothing of my mothers things and begged my sister to send something. Just something that smelled like my mothers cover girl face powder or her perfume, anything. Nothing came for a year. Meanwhile I struggled with the grief alone. I went to counselling but the young girl I spoke to seemed to not really have much life experience. She was lovely, but clearly out of her depth. I don’t know how to recover from this. Tears simply don’t fix it. So, I will celebrate my 59th birthday, followed three days later wishing my mother knew everything, knew I was telling the truth, and knew that I still loved her.

  4. Yesterday was the 12 year anniversary of my mom’s death. Today I am feeling the grief of each year piled up. I can’t do much else but be alone and cry. When I’m trying to do homework at the library or be around friends, or frankly anyone, I feel terribly irritable, anxious, and sad. Physically, I feel exhausted and nauseous. Thank you so much for writing this- I have been feeling afraid because I’m feeling crazy and dysfunctional. Even though it has been 12 years, every so often these feelings hit me like a train and are so debilitating. I appreciate you taking the time to write this. I’m wondering if there are any ways to cope on days like this? I hope everyone is healing the best they can. Thank you

  5. 30 years after my baby’s sudden infant death there are triggers that set off greif that is overwhelming and crushing. Great anxieties around my other children’s health and safety come up. It’s exhausting. Thanks for emphasizing the long time horizon that will not ever be reached. Thanks for affirming that greif will be scattered throughout our lives for our entire lives.

  6. is it normal to feel unworthy of the persons who died love? i’m definitely not depressed i just feel a lot of regret and feel like she loved me too much for how i am as a person.

  7. This year a brain tumor was found in my little girls brain. Instead of flying her to a larger hospital, the doctors reassured me that our home hospital was capable of removing her tumor. She is now disabled. I can still hold her and tell her I love her, but the child I had is dead. She just lays in bed all day, some days I can hold her and pretend but then when she is crying and screaming and biting when she is forced to do things she does not want I see the reality. Her face is paralyzed, she cannot wall or do all the things 9 yr old girls should do. I cry through the day, when I’m walking or at the store I can see afterimages of the little girl she used to be walking beside me and it will make me start to cry. God, I miss her so much. It hurts to know life will never be the same, but it hurts even more to know that this little girl who needs me so much could lose her battle to cancer and die an agonizing death from a very aggressive brain tumor. I hate that this is her life. She is my only baby I don’t understand why God is making her suffer.

    I cry so much now I can’t imagine how severe the pain will be if God takes her away. I think about killing myself a lot and that makes me hurt less. I wouldn’t do that if she were alive, but if she goes I think I’d want to check out soon after. I wonder if in heaven she will be the little girl she was and be able to run and play again. I feel crazy and I hate normal kids and being around them and hate everyone with their stupid problems like cheating spouses and hating work. It’s just really put things into perspective. I’m sick of this world of dying babies and pain. I wish there was less hurt for everyone but especially us parents.

    • I am sad for you, but God isn’t making her suffer. God is giving you strength to handle the situation.

    • I came onto this website because I just lost my mother last week. I feel like my soul is hanging on by a thread. You see to say my mum was my soulmate or best friend is an understatement. I know what loss feels like because I lost my dad 7 yrs ago. It took me a good 5 yrs to start to feel whole again and now my precious mum is gone. The only comfort I have is the knowledge that she wanted to be with dad desperately. She was never the same after dads death.
      Then I read your post and what you and your beautiful girl are enduring and my heart shattered. The sobs became uncontrollable for I only have 1 duaghter. She’s the thread that I hold on to. She is grieving terribly for both her grandmother and me are her world. Now 1 is gone and the other also has a brain tumor stage 4. I taught my daughter that each day we have is precious and to hold on to it for tomorrow is never promised. We had no regrets when my mum closed her eyes for the last time and we are living the same way with my beautiful mother in law now. My mum suffered towards the last months but somehow we always found something beautiful with each day. Something as simple as laying beside her and watching her sleep. I really soaked that in. To burry a parent no matter their age is what is supposed to happen. It’s what nature intended but to see your child suffer and go before you is against every grian nature had provided. I feel so angry for you, my heart is hurting for you and being a mother myself I completely understand that you will go after her because I would want do the same without hesitation. I know nothing can really bring you comfort, especially words, but words are all I have. All I can say is live out your days with you precious daughter without regret. Soak in the smallest details…..remember and keep your past with her in your heart but don’t forget she is still here with you now. Even though she has changed nothing will take the fact that she is your baby and you are her mummy. (Her everything)
      You also have EVERY right to be angry and not a soul on this earth has a right to tell you how you should feel.
      Last but not least – I prayed to my mum and dad to come and watch over you and your daughter. My parents will bring comfort and peace to you both.
      My daughter and I send our love your way ox

    • You will both reunite with you sweet girl in another life, and you both will be healthy, happy, beautiful and together in a beautiful happy situation.

      Please have faith that this lifetime was hard, but the next one will be amazing…….

      I wish i could hug you both now and tell you that to your eyes, to persuade you to believe me, because its the truth that we die and then are born again, in another body, but the soul is the same, and you and your girl will for sure recognize each other,and the love will be instant and stronger than anything you felt. You will just know.

      Please have faith.

      Find the book: “Only love is real”, dr Weiss.

      I can’t imagine your pain, but please have faith, love yourself and be strong to see other beauty in this life time, …

      I am sending love to both of you and wish you both all the strength you can find and faith

      xxxxx

  8. 135 weeks ago lost my 18 year old son in car accident 2 weeks before commencing college Id spent three months away from my kids with my mu m and brothers caring for my dying dad so missed Adens 18th birthday and his graduation from high school Thought Id have time to make it up to him But two months later he was dead Daughter struggling too Work full time with my fake face on and fall apart every night at home alone Avoid places and people Life is just a series of holding it all in and distaction No real purpose or joy Grief makes me feel selfish because I cant take anyone elses pain Sometimes just listen to clock tic waiting for my life to end no plan just minute by minute existence Horrid Hate he is just pictures and memories

    • How did you plan to make missing those milestones up to your son?

    • I’m so so sorry to hear of your loss. One day I hope you will be together with your son in a better place.
      Stay strong.

    • Hi, Susan, I just lost my 28 year old, suddenly on his birthday, we went to wake him up and he was gone, we still dont know what happened, we are still waiting for that info, but I find that I’m either numb and disconnected or crying, i too, thought i had time for lots of things and now I’m really distressed about the things i should have said/ did and mostly why ? I’m still shocked I guess and part of me is waiting for him, the other part of me is so sad, I cant even think about what to do the next minute or the next hour. I’m so sorry for your loss seems so inadequate esp. Since I know how it feels. I cannot recover from this only survive. I have other children that need their mom but I’m different now ,a piece of me is gone forever and this new reality is frightening. Today I didnt cry, yesterday I cried, no doubt I will have many more crying days and many more numb days. I’m not sure what this is supposed to do other than me reaching out for someone who has the same pain in their heart, and perhaps sharing can somehow do some good. God bless you .

  9. What’s up, yup this post is genuinely pleasant and I have learned lot of things from it on the topic of blogging.
    thanks.

  10. My 12 year old died…I was there her last of days, I can’t cope with the intense pain. Everywhere there are children and couples. I have neither…I feel dead.

  11. I feel like I’m losing it, and it has been almost 8 months. My mother was diagnosed with brain cancer in early 2017. She was a fighter. I managed to get her to her planned cruise adventure for one day, but she had a seizure on the ship, and was in the hospital with me over seas for three weeks. I was lost, alone, and scared. My father died 6 years prior, and I only have one brother, who I don’t get along with as well. Everyone has left this existence… after her terrible seizure, she was a different person. I had to take care of her on my own for months. I have so many regrets… I didn’t realize what was happening. A few days before Christmas, she I saw her take her last breath. December 22, 2018. I moved in with her earlier that year to take care of her. I was then struggling to take care of her bills, and move out of the house she passed in. It took me 5 months to move out… I found a place, living by myself, and feel so alone. I feel numb every day. I just want myself back, and my life, as everything has drastically changed. I feel completely traumatized, and have no one to discuss this with. I’m not sure what to do anymore. I feel defeated…

    • Hi Cat,

      We do not know each other but maybe can understand each other’s loss more than anyone around us. My mother died of cancer 14 years back when I was 15. Each day without her felt like a battle. My sister and I were angry at our father without reason. Maybe it was the grief surrounding us. However, managed to move on though each day still felt like a struggle. Friends talking about their mothers all the time, being pampered by them all the time, posting about them on mothers day etc..but life has to move on. My sister got married, I got married last year and moved overseas. I used to talk to my father thrice a day and was waiting desperately to visit him. In May this year, he suffered from a brain haemorhage. I flew back but my father had no sense, no movement and the doctors had given up hope. I know he would have left us that day only but he survived as I feel he really wanted me to see him while he was alive. After a month, the doctors discharged him as they said that none of the medicines are working. We brought him home and after 10 days, I had to fly back. I know somewhere in my heart that maybe this is the last time I am seeing him. I also knew that while I am with him, he will never leave this world. After a week, my fathers condition deteriorated rapidly and though maybe he had no sense, but his body was degrading and he was suffering a lot. Within 9 days of my reaching Australia, he left us…and though I flew back agian but could not reach until his cremation.

      Life without parents, losing them at such a young age..feels terrible. It is like a part of me is gone with him. I just dwell in the past that I should have stayed with him after marriage, I should have visited him earlier, I shpuld have brought him with me forcefully..but its useless now. I jst want to forget this part of my life.

      Maybe, the sun will shine again..MAYBE.

      • Our stories are so similar. Sometimes I go crazy thinking I’m the only one who is living without her parents as everyone around me seems to have theirs.
        My mum passed away 7 years through a very short unexpected illness. I also moved away with my family leaving behind me Dad. I visited home after his heart surgery but left him as I had to return home. He deteriorated so quickly and passed away after a week. I have so many regrets and wish I’d stayed with him or kept him with us.

    • Hi Cat, I myself suffered a difficult loss of my mom to Alzheimers recently in October 2018. Everything you describe as feeling, I also can relate 100% . All the family dynamics (my brother) as well as my father who left her side at the most critical moments of her sickness. If you’d like to speak with someone I do not mind writing to you by email for support to each other. Possibly we could help each other during this time of healing and recovery from the tremendous loss of our beloved mothers. I am here if you need an ear or someone to lean on…

  12. Words have been failing since the night my ‘bomb went off’. I was in love with someone, adored her but treated her badly. She left, my own doing. By God, this thing has torn me to pieces,I’ve been black, I’ve been numb, void,nothingness,resentment,name it I’ve felt it even paranoid. I had problems before this thing started, life was hard before grief. Grief dug a hole and fucked me into it, I’m scraping back the dirt, handful by handful. I see light but I’m still submerged.
    Love is madness, loss killed me off sooner than any stray bullet.

  13. I just lost my only little boy the son I always wanted and prayed for 2 months ago which I never in my life imagined having to live life without one of my kids and I dont know how to feel sometimes. Morning are the worst for me to have to wake up everyday of my life to not have my little boy running around or telling me he’s hungry sometime. I wish I didnt have to wake up but I get up and I do what I have to do cause I have a 3 year old daughter that tells me mommy you dont have to cry itos ok in heaven with God and he’s in our heart always and forever so I believe that and I also believe my son is still here with us cause there are times i feel ok and can breathe but it helps me to kiss his pillow and pictures every morning and talk with him and at night to. I always have my son on my mind so it helps me when I talk about him but I have nobody to really talk to cause my husband sent are 2 older daughters one is 13 and the other is 11 to stay with my mom for a little so she can do things with them and keep they busy since it’s a little hard for me to be there mommy right now cause I don’t have my son with which they will be all together running around or playing he was only 9yrs old when he passed. He just wanted to go out with his friend and play at the park which has a lake on it. My son and his friends will play there all the time all the kids from the neighborhood will play there. I was just too busy trying to get things ready for his party which was supposed to be the next day but my son never made it back home he and his friend seen a paddle boat just sitting on the water and decided to get in it which my son knew to never play in or near the water but I dont know what made them get in it but long story short they didnt find my baby and the little boy his friend was saved barely but was and it kills me everyday that my son can no longer play and run around but his friend does why couldnt both boys be saved my son was loved cared for there are kids that parents mis treat them. I really dont know what to do, sometime I’m ok and people that see me tell me your so strong I dont know how you do it I dont even know how I do it sometimes but there are time I just want to be with my son but then I think how fare would that be to my 3 girls that are still here I really sometimes dont know what to do I just wish I can have my baby in my arms again and tell him I’m sorry for not saving him I wish I didn’t let him out or wish I wasn’t so busy cooking and getting things ready for his 10th birthday party he will still be here. It’s really hard and the hardest thing is having to continue to be a mother to my girls and he wont be there. I do believe he never left my side but I cant see him or feel him and I’m just dying for the day to come where i can see him hold him kiss him all up and just talk to him. And ask god why my son knowing how much he means to me why? Some people think I’m strong cause I dont show my wackiness but I just believe and have faith that I will be with my baby soon and I also know he’s here close so I just talk to him every day and think of him cause the memories make me happy. Sometimes I cry and breakdown but mostly I feel numb and try not to think of him being gone cause he isn’t I feel he’s still near

    • Oh how I cried when I read this. Your pain reached through the screen and broke my heart. I am crying so hard as I write. How sad for you to lose your son in such a horrible way. Losing a child is hard enough, it just seems an unexpected tragedy is on a different level of loss and pain. I am a stranger to you, but my heart is touched with your pain. God be with you in the moments, days and months and years to come.

    • I am so glad to have found this website and to read about how others are suffering and dealing with grief. I was thinking about finding a local support group as it really helps me out my grief into perspective when I read what all of you here are going through. I was just balling my eyes out over my 90 year old father who passed away two weeks ago today. He had lived ina nursing home for 2 and a half years, he had mild dementia but had suffered two strokes so his mobility and self care were limited. He died with a urine infection which spread to his kidneys, he was always getting them from his Foley catheter but this time he was generally too weak and debilitated to recover. But after I read about the woman who has lost her son or the woman who lost her 61 year old father unexpectedly and most of all of your experiences, I feel I am lucky to have had my father as long as I did. I think I will go online and search for a local grief support group, I really think that will help me get through these early days and beyond.

    • I’m so so sorry for your loss. I have just lost my son also on the 4th of July, so 5 weeks ago. He was 16 but drowned in a pool only metres from us. We had arrived at our villa in Bali only 20 minutes prior and hadn’t unpacked. While putting our passports into a safe , we think he tried to hold his breath but we found him face down at the bottom of the pool. His father and 15 yr old brother managed to get him out while I tried for 30-40 minutes to revive him before medics arrived. I just actually kept repeating that I didn’t know what to do. I had mentally left my body. If he wasn’t gone before we got him out of the pool he was gone by the time the medics arrived. Our story gets worse from there with how things went but I won’t go into it.
      But I understand how you feel you want to be with your son but can’t as your other children need you.
      I want to hold him, kiss him, feel him, smell him and just the everyday moments have just stopped/ gone.
      I still feel I can’t possibly not have him but yet it’s the truth. It still feels impossible though. So tragic and so accidental and so preventable it’s not right. I blame myself too as a mother we do. Why did I not see him do that? Only a minute or 2 different and we could still have him. It’s so physical, mental, emotional and yet so much more. We all know we love our kids more than life itself but I now know we love them 100 times more than we actually even know.
      I could t see people for the first 4 weeks so isolated myself. Just physically wasn’t able to. Now I go out with my daughter or his father driving and only to places not near to where we live. I still have a lot of anxiety although it’s improving . But the intense grief and isolating, lonely feelings are just so real yet the word around us goes on. I send so much love to you. I and I know now that only a mother who loses a child can understand and not just imagine. And the tragica accident makes it feel so senseless xxxxxx

    • Oh my heart genuinely aches for you and your entire family but most of all my heart hurt for your precious son. You are strong because to be a true mother requires an inner strength we didn’t even know we possess until we are faced with heardships and tragedy. You are strong not just for your girls, most of all you are strong because your son needs you to be strong for his sisters. Just remember though grief, numbness, anger, sadness is never a weakness. On the contrary whatever emotion gets you through each day and be the amazing mother that you are is your strength. You are truly amazing ox

  14. Reading the article and some of the comments have made me feel not so alone, for the first time in months. After an illness, my sister and niece, despite objections from myself and my mom, made the decision to pull the plug and my father passed. This was at the end of April. Since the funeral and even on Mothers Day, I never hear from my adult and almost adult children. It’s hard when I need those the most, and spent my life sacrificing for them – and I get nothing. I’ve even stopped calling and reaching out to them because I’m so disappointed in their lack of caring and support.

  15. Grief made me see the absurdity and craziness in everybody else. It started when my husband suffered a heart attack and was flown to another hospital 190 miles away where he spent 12 days in ICU attached to tubes and machines before he died. During this time I stayed with my sister and her husband as they lived in this town. My sister seemed to care more about her house than the fact that my husband was at death’s door in the hospital. Before using her bathroom, for example, I was lectured on how to properly use it and care for it. It was the same lecture always repeated by her every time I visited. And if I forgot to do something like hang up a towel properly I was scolded. Never mind that I was a little distracted during this particular visit, being sick with worry and grief that my husband might die. But her husband really took the cake by stating that when he came home after work he liked it quiet, and I was disturbing his peace by being on the phone and talking to people and crying and making a lot of noise. I told him my behavior might have something to do with my husband being near death, but again, in his mind, apparently, what did that have to do with anything? At that moment, I packed up all my stuff, told them I didn’t want either of them come to the hospital and that I’d have them thrown out if they did. I went and got a motel room. I spent one night there. The next day, my husband had an operation in a last-ditch attempt to save his life. Just minutes into the operation, I heard “Medical staff to hybrid OR” over the loudspeaker. I turned to my mother and said, “It’s him”, to which she replied that it could be anybody. I stated again, “No, it’s him. It isn’t anybody but him”. And of course it was – he had died on the operating table. It’s been just 10 months since he died and I haven’t even begun to touch on all the grief and absurdity and craziness I’ve experienced. It’s as if I’m seeing some of the people who were supposed to be closest to me for the first time, and I’m not liking what I see. It’s unbelievable what I’ve been through, and perhaps the most unbelievable thing of all is that people I thought I knew are not who I thought they were at all. I have vowed to write a book about my experience because there has been so much about it that was not typical. And I think writing this book will help me come to terms with everything I’ve had to deal with aside from my husband dying – which you would think would be enough tragedy for a person to bear in and of itself. But there was so much more to endure, as I was to find out through the long months ahead.

    • Dear Becca
      I am so very sorry for your terrible loss, and on top of that the way your family and people who should have been there for you treated you. So very sad and lonely for you but your words touched me so much and I can really feel for you and send you a huge,warm hug from far away to comfort you a little. God bless dear Becca.xxxxxxxx

    • Dear Becca,

      I truly understand your situation.. It’s tragic how people can’t be at side of ours when we need them most..
      I lost my mother in an accident 5 months back ans after initial day visits. I dont see any relative visits at my home, where my father and brother lives. No one bothers.
      No one calls me and ask how we are?
      I guess same is my experience, got to know the reality check, they whom we call our won people, they are actually not.. It’s just we assume.
      Lots of love and healing to u.

  16. I’ve read through most of the comments on this thread and although it ‘comforts’ me in a way, to hear that so many people have gone through excruciating losses in their lives,I feel like it still doesn’t ‘help’. I guess, as one of my friends so not-so-eloquently put it…”welcome to the club that no one wants to be a part of.” I saw a lot of myself in these comments. I lost my dad, my best friend, hero, mentor, business partner…my rock and the best father I could have ever asked for on October 19, 2019 unexpectedly. He went into a routine surgery that had a .1% chance of mortality and something went wrong. He ended up being in surgery for 15 hours (it was supposed to be 5 hours). We sat there the whole time, anxiously awaiting the news from the surgeon. My dad was a fighter – he survived, but barely. He fought for four days after that surgery until he went into cardiac arrest while we were sitting in the waiting room…I can still hear “Code Blue…” and his room number….. I write this with tears running down my face. We were there with him as the brave and courageous ICU nurses fought for his life. My mom held his hand. He was 61.
    Its been just over six months and for me, things have only gotten harder and my grief has only worsened. Its like the first months, you’re completely numb…you still cry but the reality hasn’t set in. Its not until you start to thaw out a bit that the ache hurts more and more. I can’t imagine living the rest of my life never seeing him again, hearing his voice or being able to call him for advice or just to chat. The ache I feel is indescribable and as I now know, you can only truly understand the pain when you lose someone so close that you love so much.
    He’s supposed to be here… We got the call about his surgery on a thursday and he was gone 6 days later.
    I’m not inconsolable all of the time but I cry every day. Sometimes it hits you out of the blue and you feel like someone has sucker punched you and ripped what little is left of your heart out. When I’m alone, I scream. The injustice of it all. My husband and I are just starting to think about having kids (I’m 32) and my heart breaks over and over again thinking about how he’ll never be here to witness his grandchildren come into the world and my goodness… would he have been the most incredible grandfather. Why did this happen? How can he not be here anymore? I replay the moments before his death over and over. I can’t sleep. I miss him so much. There’s a huge hole in my life and I’m having a hard time finding a way back. Nothing will ever be the same and yet somehow the world just keeps going, life moves on and the bereaved are left to pick up the pieces of their broken hearts and make some sense of the tragedy and new life path they’ve been forcibly given.
    Every inch of my being aches for you.
    I miss you so much and love you always and forever, Dad.
    I really hope we will meet again.

    • I lost my father in August 2018, I totally understand how you feel and can relate so well with what you are feeling. But one other thing that’s even worse is i just lost my mother this year in February. And i am at a total loss. I was my parents care giver for the past 5 years and now they are both gone . It’s just so hard to deal with . I am beyond numb. I feel i am critical at this time in my life. I ask my self everyday why? I feel like I’ve done something wrong and Gods punishing me. I just tried calling the crisis center to talk to someone. But they’re closed unless you’re having thoughts of suicide. So I hung up. I’m just at a loss right now and I know tomorrow is another day and I’ll be ok. But to suppress a my feelings and to keep pushing them down is not helping me. And this article I’ve just read is totally me and how I feel. I just wanted to put that out there. I know I need help or meds but I’ve have always been a loner and to try to find the right people to talk to is hard to do. Because I know . I’ve been to counseling before when I lost my husband to suicide in 2009. I tried a few different councilors but it was short lived. I didn’t feel we were dealing with I needed to deal with at the time. I needed to deal with his loss not go clear back to my childhood or my other past relationships . It just didn’t work for me. So here I am searching for answers. So I’ll keep looking until I’m satisfied .

      • Hi Rhonda,
        I lost my father 16 July 2018 and recently revisted the hospital where my father died. This happened because my stepdaughter has health issues. During 2 days of being in that hospital with her and my husband, it brought everything flooding back emotionally as if a train hit me from out of nowhere. One week after this event with my stepdaughter, I have not been able to control my emotions. I am crying when I cook, cry when I start talking about anything to anyone, explode into fits of rage when spoken to by my husband, etc. I think you get the drift. I am reaching out to get counselling as my behaviour is making me ill and miserable, and I don’t want to keep having a negative impact on others around me, especially family and close friends.

        After my father’s death and within a four month period, his close friend died, my ex husband died and his father died. At the beginning of all of this our beloved dog Phoebe (age 16) died 5 January 2018.
        I also have a surviving mother 81, and three younger sisters, who are all having grief issues about our father’s death. He died of an aggressive malignant liver tumour. Our father told no one, but we were told by his doctor at the hospital two months before his death. Even then I looked into his eyes and we talked, he wanted to die.
        I found some answers to his depression in googling about the 2nd world war. Particularly about children born and raised during the war years. It was shocking to read about what these children went through during and after the war. I confirmed with my mother that what I read was the truth. It is now clear to me why my father was the type of man he was. Protective, lonely, alcoholic, suffered life long depression but only showed his children courage under any thing that life throws at us. Yes I am sad he is gone, but happy that he no longer suffers.
        I too have trouble trusting people with my emotions, I prefer to be alone in my grief. I have a deep faith in a wonderful God but we still need each other. So I have decided to get professional help and have a few close friends, and a great husband, who are there for support when I need them. Having had counselling 30 years ago because of anorexia and dealing with alcoholism, I too know what you are saying about not going over again about the past, Or even finding a good counsellor.

        I wish you all the best in your journey and hope you get the answers you are looking for.
        From a grieving daughter
        Heidi

      • God Is there for you he will never let you down just keep your faith in god sis . You are loved . Praying that your faith is renewed . God bless your heart ♥️

    • I read your post and you have described exactly how I’m feeling too. My dad was my hero and we worked together and was always the best role model I had. We lost him Easter Sunday April21 20-9. He went in for back surgery and did great went to rehab and came home . He was home for theee days and became super weak and could not walk. Took him to Er they did scans and found he had pancreatic cancer that had spread to his liver and lungs. His liver was shot. It’s was stage 4 and they sent him home on hospice he died five days later. This all happened on theee weeks to surgery to death. I’m lost so lost . I’m sad , angry and cry often I have zero energy and don’t want to get out of bed. I have the burden of helping my mom thru grief and my children as well. It’s just not fair and I wanna scream . I’m sick of people telling me that he would want me to move on and he is in a better place. He was 72 that’s young I deserved to have him more years . So thank you for your post it’s the first time someone get were I’m at.

      • Julie,
        I can really relate to your story. It has almost been a year since I lost my father, but things seem to only get harder. It’s almost like I lost part of my identity when my father passed. I can’t seem to get the motivation to get things done like I used to and some days I just feel like dying. My father was my best friend and I feel so lost and confused.

    • Your comment really hit home for me. My dad had an allergic reaction to his blood pressure medication which caused his throat to close and he went into cardiac arrest. He was resuscitated, and airlifted to a larger hospital. He was out of town for work so my sister, mom, and I flew out within hours to be by his side. After 4 days they pronounced him brain dead, and we were then given a very difficult choice. To transfer him to hospice care or remove him from life support. He had told my mom that he would never want to live off machines, and if this ever the case to let him go. We removed him from life support on April 29th, 2019. He passed within 2 hours with all 3 of us by his side holding his hand. He was only 60 years old. My dad was my best friend, my go to person, my rock. The one person that understood me. We talked every single day. I still can’t imagine my life without him. Those days in the hospital and next few weeks feel like a long foggy bad dream. My heart aches just thinking about him. I cry all the time. I find myself looking up different cases on brain damage after cardiac arrest wondering if we made the right decision. My friends have tried to be there for me, but I feel like they just don’t understand how I feel. I can’t stop replaying messages I have from him just so I can hear his voice. Why him. I miss him so much. It feels like this pain will never go away, and I’m stuck in this black cloud that I can never get away from. You are right. No one can only truly understand the pain of losing someone so close that you love so much unless you have been through it firsthand.

    • There will never be another man like my loving and supportive husband of 51 years. I was his only caregiver for 4 years during the most tiresome and heart-wrenching time of my life. Now six months after his death, I am learning to just sit and breathe and talk to a close friend who is the only person who will really listen to my need to reminisce about my husband’s life before he became bedridden. I find that thinking of him prior to his illness helps me cope. And living my life the way that both he and God would have me to helps, as does changing my attitude about my new life and finding ways to.give myself reasons to keep living. Mourning greets me every morning, but I am determined to not lose my joy or sanity. Other family members still need me in their lives and I need them. No one will ever understand the depths of fear and despair a widow feels, but I find that only I can control myself as daily I venture into my new future. It’s necessary and okay to be sad after a devastating loss. But I have decided I want to feel happy again. Be sad, but be happy again. My husband would want that for me. I can do this. His love for me endures. I thank God that I had such a loving husband in my life. I will keep going in memory of him.

    • I’ve read the article and some of the comments and am so very sorry for everyone’s losses.

      We just lost our beloved best father we could have asked for and are heartbroken and incomplete. I don’t know how I’ll move on. There are moments when I feel calm, others where I think I’m blocking what happened so that I can go on, and others where I know the reality and am full of sadness. There are no words.

      Everyone’s story is different, and all are painful, and none are fair. I’m having a very hard time accepting the unfairness of this.

      KC, would it be ok to connect? Your relationship with your dad reminds me of mine and would appreciate any insight you might have.

      A friend shared this quote with me, and my first reaction was I didn’t like it at all, but now I use it because I find it’s very true..

      Grief is love with no place to go.

    • I sit here reading your life story. Goodness it sounds so much like my mine. You’ve put into words what I’ve couldn’t since I lost my Dad March 6th 2019. Technically I say March 7th because of the time difference when I was in Iraq. The hardest thing is coming home and my Dad not being here. A lot of days I wished I didn’t make it home. He promised me he’d be there, the first person to greet me when I returned home and he wasn’t. Grief truly changes you. I’m sad everyday. Every damn day. But I know I have to do my best to be happy and smile when I can otherwise my marriage, my entire life will fall apart. It doesn’t change how I feel. To know I went through so much bullshit in overseas only to loose my Dad.y Dad was my hero, gave me purpose. I wanted kids and I always looked forward to him being there the way he was for me. It’s hard. I hate death. I really flippin hate death. 63 years of life wasn’t enough. I’m angry at God for taking him away from me but I know he’s in a better place. God I miss him. I’d give my life to bring him back. I’m not sure how to live my life without the man I’ve always looked up too. But I’m doing my best trying to make him proud.

    • I didn’t think I’d reply to anyone, I just came here to try to find comfort, or reassurance I guess. My dad died last month, he told me on Friday that things were better and I told him how happy I was that he was on the mend, again. Then he drank himself to death on Sunday. He was eccentric and creative and completely and utterly unique, far more of a character than I could ever dream to be and everyone, I mean everyone loved him. He would have been the world’s greatest grandad if he could have controlled his demons, I know that. I don’t have kids either yet, I know when I do it’ll be bittersweet. Your story just hit me and I know exactly how you feel when the loss hits you, it really does knock the air out of you. I’m so sorry you’re in it too. All my love.

  17. As ironic as it all is to me, these things have never left my mind. He was born 8/15/87 and when i looked back into the year of 87, how ironic is it that all the dates aligned to the dates in 2009& 2015? We had our daughter Jan. 24th . 2009. Our baby shower was Jan 10th 2009, and Jan 11th we had a really big falling out. Fast forward 5 almost 6 years. The last time I laid eyes on my daughters dad was 12/31/2014 and I was very upset with him. Jan 10th 2015 I wanted To call him and apologize and try to get things aligned for our daughters upcoming birthday. I being stubborn decided to put it off til the following day. Jan 11th the whole day just seemed odd, I still was putting off calling him and instead decided to take a nap. I cant Recall what my dream was about but it woke me abruptly and prompted me to go into a panic search for my phone. When I reached My phone it was face up in the middle of my bedroom floor and I had 6 missed calls from a friend that I hadnt Spoke too in god knows how long. Before I could Get to the voicemail I had A text preview that blatantly read “ James is dead” . I cannot Explain the feeling that immediately overcame me as I listened To painstaking voicemails of her crying as he gasped in the background taking his last breaths. He had been brutally murdered. Shot 6 times. Two weeks before our daughters 6th birthday, before I got To apologize, before we got to make it right.. so instead of a birthday party for my daughters birthday, it was a sad day because we had to attend his funeral. . I had Been with my boyfriend at the time for 2 years already I got Pregnant right after his death, everyone told and tells me that my baby boy was sent as a light to me in such a dark time. I feel I’ve never been able to grieve, because the pregnancy happened and then it caused me to be on bedrest..and here I am 4 years later. I’m just as worse now as I was Then It’s consuming me, it’s making me angry Im sad often, mood swings, isolated still trying to come to terms with this and I’m really not having any success. It should get easier with time but for me? It’s getting harder and harder. I really Just wish I could Bring him back for my daughter. That was her pride and joy, I feel Like daughters have very special places for their dads. Smh and it’s just a void that’s not filled. Idk what to do. Please pray for me

  18. I lost my love Karin on the 15/03/2019 after 20 years after a blood clont through the heart a week after her heal operation She was 48 and we did not have Children She was my everything and yes we fought about me being hard headed and not closing the security door ext.One reason for not having children was there was no support all family stayed far away and she didnt want someone else to raize her child We both worked a lot with stress putting max away for our old day after she could not have children anymore so as to not short I have a house car money but i dont have her I know she is with Jesus and me and the parents was with her the last day till i had to drive home to work the next day And i can thank God she did not suffer But what about me I watch movies Do all the thing i didnt do when she was alive and ask myself why couldnt i do this things for her when she was alive I also kiss her photo and talk to her But all of a sudden i just want to have sex with a woman without strings and then after looking on the web for sutch a woman and helping myself i find guild as if i did something wrong and then i remember the love for her that feels as if there is nothing where my heart sits What will i do without her Thank God for his love because i dont know

  19. I lost my beautiful, smart, funny precocious 8 year old daughter November 28th, 2018. She was diagnosed with Long QT syndrome at birth and had an ICD placed when she was only 3 months old. She was so adventurous and never let her illness stop her from trying new things so we thought we were in the clear. That terrible day we went to wake her up for school and my sweet girl was gone. I still don’t know how I am able to get up everyday. I still cant believe this is my life, that my best friend, my heartbeat, my whole world is gone. I know how every one here feels because my pain is still so raw. I so am angry with God and I try to get over these feelings but it is hard. I see so many kids that are unwanted and mistreated and unloved. I loved mine, mine was taken care of so, why did he take her? Some days it almost to much to bare but I have to think about my son, who is now my only living child.

    • Autumnsmom
      I am so sorry to learn of your daughter’s passing. NO parent should ever have to bury their child. I cannot even fathom what you’re experiencing. I am dealing with the loss of my significant other (March 28) to cancer after 25 years together. She was such a great partner, sister, daughter and most of all – mother.
      I too have questioned God – not fully understanding why so many suffer without intervention. I will pray for you and your family during this most difficult time and hope that someday God will provide the comfort you so much deserve.

    • I am so sorry for you. I wish I could do something.
      Your daughter was so lucky to have had you.

      When my wife was 8 she lost her mother and then went thought abuse (sexual and physical) at the hands of her father and brother.

      I don’t know which is worse. For a girl to lose her mother or a mother to lose a daughter.

      But your daughter was loved. Some kids are abused or font have mothers.

      I am going through my own grief re children.
      It won’t help you. But I just wanted to say how lucky your child was to be loved so much by such a a wonderful person.

      I hope in the future others can be loved by you.

      You have so much to offer.

      Bless you.

  20. Thank you, Moira! Thank you for trying to encourage me- you did. I don’t know what I think about counseling. I feel I should be strong enough to figure this out myself, but that isn’t happening, sooo… I am sorry for your loss but glad you have family to support you. I think that’s why this hurts so deeply- I feel my family doesn’t connect like it should, when I want these close relationships that don’t feel possible. Things are avoided bc we don’t want to upset each other, I let the vibe dictate how I express myself. I have always been very emotional, sensitive, but somehow that makes me an exaggerator or weak to them. This isn’t a surprise though. I love my family but I knew this would be how they would act. What did hurt was my friends- I couldn’t believe this was the time they choose to leave me, and with hurtful words. I am still trying to get past that, not connect it to my sister. My whole life has been a series of people leaving me, and more then just moving on- ignoring me, leaving without a word, erasing me. And my sister just feels like “another person” and I don’t understand. Something must be very wrong with me, my family, to have this keep happening. I am very lonely and I am just trying to resign myself to this is what I get. I’m being selfish though, thinking all about myself. I love my family. I love the Lord too. I know he has a plan and is with me, holding me up. I don’t like it but I have no control in this. Thank you for the hugs and prayers! Keep.sending them my way! A big hug to you as well. I’ll keep you in my prayers too- really, it means so much you responded personally to me! I think God made that happen ☺

  21. My oldest sister died of cancer almost a year ago, breast cancer that was ignored and then spread to her whole body, to her brain and She didn’t tell anyone until it was too late. She was 37 years old with 6 young children. She lived in a different state and we didnt feel we knew them or were wanted, but I still struggle with this, her moving years ago and us saying “goodbye” in that sense is not the same as a permanent goodbye death brings. She was a hard sister to connect to and be around since childhood, I even almost had decided to not take my one a year vac to visit her anymore bc it was too painful. I didn’t, and I’m glad, but now I never will know or understand or feel love from my sister, it can’t happen now and I feel she was always ok with that. I dont understand that!!? I still.cannot process what our family went through, the not being told anything for months until it was to her brain and too late, the not being allowed to talk about it or tell the kids: to them mommy was sick and we were just visiting. When we got out there she was a skeleton, by the end of that week she was unable to be touched without pain,she couldn’t know who was talking to her, etc etc. And the kids would visit with her throughout the day and then next minute be wild, be playing- oh the pain that brought! We didn’t get to say our goodbyes in a real sense, get any last conversations with her, or closure. We didn’t even get a funeral. And there are many many more hard details I won’t get into. The doctors gave her 2-4 months and she died in 3. She said God would heal her and to say otherwise was disbelief. Yes, I am angry at her, her husband, God, but I am everything else and in between as well. I am struggling to find anyone who will let me talk about it and unable to make sense of it. The aftermath and changes are as bad as going through her dying. I have no friends, they have all cut me off or said hurtful things. My heart is broken and I am so tired of pretending I am ok and getting better. I already asked for the anniversary day off from work, but no in my family understands why. My parents are older, I’ve lost all my grandparents, and my family had not gotten closer through this. I am mid30’s and completely single- what is the point? Life goes on, keeps going forward, but I feel this was my line crossed. This was the slap in the face that things will never be better or right. Now I have people who knew me before, after, during, left me at all stages and I don’t know who I am anymore.

    • Yes i have some problem related to death now a days i can t even sleep cause of thinking death and losing my parents some day etc i dont have any one in life to talk every one is fake .. now i have nothing to do.. im lost in vain.. and im also so much curious to know that is really is there any after life?

    • Hi Kristi. Im so sorry for your loss. I just read your post and I feel so sad for you and even though I don’t have any good advice really, even though I don’t know you, I feel I want to send love, hugs and prayers.
      My son passed away in January and I’m grieving bad too but I have a supportive family and friends and I couldn’t imagine what I would do without that support. I’m gonna pray that you will find a light at the end of the tunnel. Have you considered counselling? It may help. Sending love, hugs and prayers to you. Take care.

    • Kristi, i am so very sorry to hear your story. It breaks my heart you had to lose your sister like that. I would like you to know you are not alone in this world. For some reason, most people are not equipped to comfort or allow for raw human emotion. That makes our pain seem even worse. Can i suggest you find a good book on grief?? I’m reading one called ‘Resilient Grieving’ by Lucy Hone, PhD. I hope you can find some strong relationships maybe a grief support group that can help you along this difficult journey.

    • I am so sorry for your loss.

  22. I lost my lover 2 months back, feels like i just heard the news. i remember it clearly, January 11 2019, 11h37am. that moment changed my life. He was hit by a car while walking far away from the street. Life changed. i found myself negotiating with God, i still negotiate with God to have him back. I know he is gone but my mind is still failing to process it. I see him every where. I remember all the hugs, kisses, smiles, the looks he gave me. he made me feel i was the only one. I was the only one and i loved him just as much. We made plans. he asked me to be his forever and i said yes. I was supposed to be the last face he saw before going to bed at night and the first to see in the morning. We dreamt of how he was supposed to kiss me good morning everyday. He promised me he wasnt going anywhere and now he is gone. I feel lost, i feel betrayed. I feel like i have no much to live for. how m i gonna love another the way i love him. i dont see myself giving that kind of love to someone. now i fin myself kissing his picture good morning everyday and him being the last face i see before i close my eyes. Some days are easier. some, it just hit me all over again an i breakdown. Will it ever get better. I now tell his pic, i will see u again soon and when i get home, i want u to be the one welcoming me. i am inlove with a man u buried 2 months ago. i dont know how to look at life. i feel sooo lost. i look at the clouds for some hope but i see nothing.

    • I feel you, he passed away on 6th Nov 2018 and I have still not come to terms of losing my soul mate. We made love on the 5th night, laughed, cuddled and passed out, next morning he was shaking uncontrollably and in a few minutes he was gone, right before my eyes, I thought it was a nightmare.. but it was all for real..
      But I know for sure, we will meet on the other side. I do exactly the same things you’ve mentioned, I kiss his pic every morning and evening when I’m back from work, I feel the closest to him when m sitting just by myself.

      We will meet, just be hopeful about that!

    • I am feeling all of these things you have described. I lost my husband of almost 3 years just 18 days ago. He had a massive heart attack while being taken into police custody on a bogus warrant. They didn’t tell me until hours later, robbing me of the precious chance to say goodbye. The pain is overwhelming. I have no desire to go on, i long for his arms holding me again. The emptiness and lonliness are paralyzing me, and I can’t seem to make myself get out of bed. He was cremated and I have his urn cradled in my arm most of the time, just because I feel like that’s as close as I can ever be to him ever again. I feel like I’m going crazy, and I never imagined having to face life without him here with me. I never knew grief was so horrible. I have never known pain this intense. Everything, literally, reminds me of him. We were together 24/7, worked together, played together, shared every part of ourselves, even the ugly parts noone else knew. He was my lover, my best friend, my confidante, my partner in crime, my ride or die, the only person I truly knew who had my back right or wrong and the only one i ever completely trusted. Dennis Wayne Carter Jr you are my soul mate, and I will never give up and I will never let you go. I will always love you with all of me. Watermelon forternity baby!

  23. I came home from work early because my husband wasn’t answering my calls. He had just had shoulder replacement surgery and was doing well. I rushed home to find him dead on the floor. After 40 years of marriage the only man I have ever loved was gone just like that . I am surrounded by support . But the one person that would give me the support I needed is gone. I sleep with his shirt . It has his smell. All the emotions listed in this article I have felt. I know I will go on for the sake of all who love me. I have to. But a part of me is gone. We shared a bond that any couple would dream of . He often told me I loved him too much. Even now I don’t believe that’s possible. I am heartbroken , but that is the price of love.

    • Pamela
      I just lost my significant other and best friend of 25 years to cancer. Such a terrible disease. I am really struggling to come to terms of what my life will be without her. It still hasn’t hit me. I am fearing it’s going to get worse before it gets better for me.
      I will pray for you and hope you may find comfort someday.

  24. I lost my mom at age 17 on 8/29/18 due to 3 teens robbing my next door neighbor. They were jumping and robbing my neighbor and my mom went outside and yelled for my brother to go out and help the kid from getting beat up. (I was asleep after a long day of work btw).. So anyways my brother ran outside and broke up the fight as my mom watched from our driveway. The 3 boys ran to a Honda Civic and took off. As they took off at a high rate of speed, they swerved onto the sidewalk and hit my mom. Witnesses say my mom held onto the hood screaming and the driver jerked the car to the right and she flew off and hit her head. She died right there. Idk how to handle it. She was my best friend. I feel so lost without her trying to move on everyday and live out my life but all I do now is fear death. I really fear it.

    • I’m so sorry you lost your mom, and in such a tragic way. Losing a parent is so hard. I recently just lost my father. The heartache is so unbearable. I’m sure you can relate. I’m going to try “bereavement group therapy”. My sister has said its helped her understand grief a little more each time. Have you tried going to bereavement group therapy?

  25. I lost my son Nov 2017, he was the greatest treasure I have been in love with.Everyday is empty and I know that’s wrong of me to think that.I know he wouldn’t want me to feel like this,and it hurts to know I miss him so much.I am having a hard time Danny I love and miss you always son lu dad

    • Albert,
      So sorry for your loss. No parent should ever have to bury their child. I pray that God will give you comfort at some point.

    • It is not wrong to feel empty. I lost my mom on March 4th 2019. It’s been a little over a month and I still feel like I’m not going to be okay. I feel like I will never be okay. I often cry at night because I miss her so much. I often think about calling her just to hear her voice again only to realize I never will be able to hear her voice again. And it sucks, it F-ing sucks because I feel guilty that I never spent that much time with her the years leading up to her death, so did she die knowing I love her? I hope she did.

  26. Τoday, I went to thhe beɑch feont with my kids.

    I found a seaa shell and gave it to mmy 4 year old daughter and
    ѕaid “You can hear the ocean if you put this to your ear.” She pllaced
    tthe shell to her ear and screamed. Ƭhere waas a hemit
    crab inside and it pinched her ear. She nervеr wats to go bаck!

    LoL Ӏ know this is entirely off topi but I had
    to tell someone!

    • Roman what are you doing here? Seriously this is just so disrespectful of others telling their stories about grief and reaching out. I don’t understand why you even came to this website. How rude and insensitive!!!!!!!

  27. I lost my husband on 1/2/2019. Everyone—including my mother in law–has told me to move on. I was with my husband for 3 years. Married for 1 year out o fthe 3. I’ve been in many relationships, but my husband was the only one who loved me wholeheartedly. The worst part is, everyone tells me, “It’s a good thing you didn’t have kids.. life would be so hard for you.”. I’m really sorry.. but i’m 37 years old and financially successful…. all of my friends and family that are my age have 10 year olds. that’s the part that kills me the most. I DON’T HAVE CHILDREN. Nothing that i can feel like i need to be happy for.

    What haunts me the most is 2 days before his death, we decided it’s time we should start trying to have children. We even picked out names.

    My father in law is in battle with me, there were 4 things i wanted to keep that belonged to my husband. His jacket, His phone, His shoes, and his wedding outfit. I didn’t care about money.. didn’t care about anything else. I asked for these things from my in laws. My father in law said, “No, i want to keep it all.”

    the next day, my brother in law told me not to be selfish and give the four things to my father in law. And they would need to keep the pension money also, because they can’t pay the bills themselves. FINE. k

    I gave up the money. I don’t need money. I want my husband’s memories. They kept everything.. including his clothes, IDS, death certificate, EVERYTHING… and i even gave up his shoes… but they’re not leaving me alone about the 3 things that i have. So finally decided i would give up the phone. For the first time in my life, i feel like God is so unfair to me. I want peace and i can’t find peace. I cant’ sleep in my room.. because his spot is empty. and now the things I wanted…the things i have cherished has to be given up, as well.

    I’m tired of arguments. and i’m tired of negativity. I smile at work.. and as soon as i get lunch break i cry in the bathroom stall. I cannot have a single lighthearted conversation with my fathe rin law nor my mother in law. they think I am the reason my husband had a heart attack. So now I’m feeling extra guilty… I really have developed a strong hatred for myself.

    Nothing seems to make me happy. My husband has never let me cry. If i did, he would turn the world for me. my family and friends tell me i have nothing to hate about myself. But i’m trying to be in good relations with my in laws. But the few things i have… they don’t want me to keep. .. and my grieving has become so dark because of this.

    • I just saw your story my wife of 30 years died about six months ago she was sick and then suddenly she was gone I do have a special needs daughter I completely agree with you and your situation your in-laws in my opinion overstep their bounds of course I don’t know everything about your situation but I don’t believe you’re being unreasonable and that you are in pain I am so sorry for you I pray that someday soon you’ll find away 4 peace I am only writing this because of the insanely intense pain and I happened to be struggling with this evening and I found your message God bless you

    • I’m so sorry for your loss I know exactly how you feel I’ve been in the same position my husband died 10/1/19 nearly a month before our 2nd wedding anniversary and I’ve had problems from the in-laws my father in law was treating me like i was stupid and a child im 36 now but was 35 when my husband died so i knoe you have a legal right to have the things you want as your his legal next of kin his father can’t keep it all

    • DEAR DEERAH,

      Sincere thoughts are with you, regardless of how long you where together, just having something of his will be a cherished item. Its so sad that the family are not allowing you to have this, I know they are grieving too and maybe they will eventually hand over once their grieving has softened. Everyone grieves differently and no one can tell anyone how to etc. I just hope that they do see the thought in it for you and that your not alone now surrounded by supportive group of friends and family. Its fresh, its raw and it hurts like hell. Focus on you for now and your memories. I hope this turns out positive, sending hugs xxx

    • I know I’m late, and i do hope your situation has changed. Should it have not, I feel awful that they would continue to rob you of what belongs to ONLY you. Families can be quite insensitive during these times. In fact down right toxic and selfish, remember;

      Genesis 2:24 – Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

      Material things are trivial compared to those memories which belong to you. However, it is not your belated husbands parents position to decide whats to be done with his personal belongs. Those belong to you and ONLY you. Should you chose to give any item away to whomever, then so it be. Your in-laws should only offered you support and understanding to your decisions. Should you give any item away to them, it would only be right for them to be appreciative for your doing so.

      The money is also a great concern. They have over stepped their boundaries and ignored your be the sole inherent to your late husbands estate. I would not allow any of this. Any decisions made with in the first year will be made out of reaction and not reason. Its during that time that
      Volutes take advantage of the weak.

      I sincerely hope you found strength and challenged what they have robbed you of. I offer you this tool of measuring the value these folks offer to your life. If their presents brings you stress, pay attention. If the relationship is one sided (meaning all effort is from you) pay attention. If you dont see how they offer any value to your life, then by all means remove them. Holding on to and complying with toxic relationships will only steel your happiness and will offer you nothing towards an healthy relationship. So dont be afraid to rock the boat and have boundaries. Who cares if they get angry with you or put pressure kn you to do. They aren’t important enough to matter should they never speak to you again and they wont be in the position to cause you any further harm.

  28. My grief is knowing my little boy is with some other people he was taken from me on03/21/2016 almost 3 years ago I only had him for one year and he was my everything my understanding little love and now he’s with my brother and his husband how can can my brother do this to me and live with himself knowing that I think of my little boy everyday I cry most days the pain never leaves I ant believe everything is normal to everyone around me like I’m the crazy one I’ve tried once to kill myself but I could cut high enough on my veins now I haven’t seen my little dog in almost 2 years everyday my head hurts and my depression is worst now than it has ever been I’ve lost my mind without my little wily he’s the only thing that kept me together now I’m a gross 23 year old with nothing going for herself I’m a failure and everyone knows it

    • Hi sweetheart you have a lot to live for and your whole life ahead of you . Please don’t be so hard on yourself , life is not easy and we all have problems, but know that the storm doesn’t last forever . God will bring you through this . It’s only temporary and this negative energy will vanish your life will get together I promise. I’m praying for you honey. Sending angels your way . May God Bless You.

  29. I am so happy that I found this tonight. I lost my mother on December 23, 2018 and my life partner on December 27, 2018. My partner was with me while my mother was passing but then he died unexpectedly of a heart attack four days later. I have been trying to understand why I can’t seem to find pleasure in the normal things that have always brought me joy. I knew I was not crazy but also knew that I was damaged. I can’t seem to go more than a couple of hours without breaking into tears. I want to be strong for everyone around me, especially my boys. Thank you for letting me know that this will happen for a while. I am crazy right now, but it is okay.

    • I lost my spouse of 30 years in Dec. She died of stage 4 cancer, and it has turned my life upside down. I miss her all the time. I isolate, cry, yell. I feel like I’m going nuts. Trying to get on with things but nothing makes a lot of sense. This is so hard.

  30. I was with my husband for almost 13 years (3yrs married) I took him to Key West for his birthday. We were having an amazing time. The day of his birthday I made reservations to a restaurant and asked if they could sing Happy Birthday to him and they agreed. We spent half the day at the beach and we were on the way back to where we were staying. I stopped to take a pic of a tree and he went ahead on his scooter. I rode my scooter to the place we were staying and as I turned right on the street we were staying at I saw him on the ground two women were by his side. He was bleeding out of his nose and ears. I was in a panic and rode my scooter to the police car that was on the cross street. An ambulance was called and he was taken to the lower keys hospital. I was not allowed to go in the ambulance. A good Samaritan offered to take me. I was told to hurry as they were going to fly my husband to Miami via helicopter as soon as they got him to the local hospital. To my surprise that was not done. Why I don’t know. They called me to the back room where they had done a bore hole on his head. The tools they used were dripping blood and they basically told me he was going to pass. They sent him to Miami via helicopter I was stuck in Key West (we live in Illinois) I had to return my scooter, keys to the condo and I had to figure out how I was going to get to Miami. After being in Miami for 21 days we were told my husband was brain dead. I have never experienced do much pain in my life. My husband turned 32 and did not get to live his 32nd birthday. I never got the chance to sing him Happy Birthday. It’s been 4 months since I lost him and the emptiness sucks. I am basically a walking robot. I get up and I go to work. I leave work and come home and cry my eyes out. Knowing that I will not be able to hug him, kiss him, talk to him or spend time with him for as long as I am living is so painful. My faith has been tempted a lot. Our dreams, our story was destroyed. I know that people mean well when they say ” God had a purpose for taking him” but to me it makes no sense. What purpose does God have in taking the ones we love? It hurts so much because the world just keeps on going. I have to pretend like everything is fine in front of people while I am hurting so bad inside. Being with someone you love so much every moment you can and losing them overnight is extremely painful. My heart is with all of you that have lost a loved one. God less all of you. I do not want to live without him, I lost the love of my life, my soulmate, my husband.

    • Hello Jacob. I’m so sorry. I lost my mom recently and this made my heart break for you. I hope you can find happiness one day. Know you were loved by him and he will always be with you.

    • “Tonight all the hells of young grief have opened again; the mad words, the bitter resentment, the fluttering in the stomach, the nightmare unreality, the wallowed-in tears. For in grief nothing ‘stays put.’ One keeps on emerging from a phase, but it always recurs. Round and round. Everything repeats. Am I going in circles, or dare I hope I am on a spiral? But if a spiral, am I going up or down it? How often—will it be for always?—how often will the vast emptiness astonish me like a complete novelty and make me say, ‘I never realized my loss till this moment’? The same leg is cut off time after time. The first plunge of the knife into the flesh is felt again and again. They”
      ― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

    • I lost my husband and soul mate on the 28 December 2018, we too only got 13 years together of marriage, I walk around lifeless, filled with emotions of pain, our three children lost their daddy, their rock. It was so unexpected too, I dont think even having the opportunity to say goodbye makes a difference. I would like to share a few poems I have written to express my grief. Im hoping they help on this site.
      If I heard your voice again I would capture it in a jar
      To keep with me for evermore though close yet so far
      To feel your hand entwined in mine would calm my aching heart
      I know that your with me, we will never be apart
      Your eyes always filled with sparkle so shiny and bright
      One day we will be together in the softest white light

      A photo tells a story our memory might forget
      Reminds us of life’s beauty and how quickly we regret
      Hug and kiss, say I love you, every waking day
      Never miss the chance again life’s too short they say
      From now on and forward let’s all start to agree
      We won’t take for granted the happiness around thee
      Losing a loved one is a journey we all walk it here
      Hold your photo close and the memory will be near

      Love and light to everyone suffering from a loved one that has passed,

  31. My husband died in 2016 and for rhe first two years I had a lot to take care of. Ithink I’m just starting. Tbis article helped.

  32. I lost my grandma, that i really loved I grew up with , she was like a mother to me. she passed away about a month ago I didnt get the chance to see her. At first i cried a lot but it was weird because it seem unreal i was trying not to cry. after one week i started having weird feelings towards my boy friend the only person who always was there to support me i was second guessing my feelings, these thoughts would come to my mind that i dont love him i have to break up for no reason i started having anxiety pain , i cry every night i worry about losing my feelings towards him. no one gets it! the pain i feel its unbearable i dont know why it started and i dont know how, i just know it started on week after i lost my granda and it been hurting me since. Its been a month, i have pain every night and day ! i miss my old me i want her back! im so scared

  33. I lost my son it’s going to be 2 years on February 16, 2019. He died of a stroke due to an overdose. He was 32 when passed away. I am going through an emotional drowimg process. I have my 25 year old that lives with me. Ever since my sons passing I am so fearful for my 25 year olds safety in every form. I do feel like I am goimg crazy. Grief is a horrific feelings. It eats you up menatally, physicall and emotionally. My daughter had the audacity to call me paranoid. The nerve. For these holidays to say I was broken beyond belief is an understatement to say the least. I need peace of mind when it comes to her and it’s like what gives. Can I explain it no I can not. It hurts so bad. It geels like it will never end. The coming of the date of his death is so overehelming. I feel so crazy oh lord. It would be nice if my daughter understood but that’s too much to ask. I await lingering in pain to be able to be quote on quote normal again. Not going to happen. Throw me a life saver please. Only time only time I hope will help me heal. I don’t know how long as a part of me is missing. Oh how it hurts. As I write my tears just rolls with such sorrow. But in reading others stories I know that I am not alone. That I am grieving as a mom that’s the fact and that’s it.

    • Hi Margarita, your post was very upsetting to read, my heart really does go out to you. I just want you to know that this will get easier I promise. I speak from my own personal experience. It’ll never be OK what has happened to your son but you will learn to carry the grief in time. Your body and mind grow around it in order to survive.
      Try not to be angry at your daughter, she is grieving as well for her brother and is taking it out on you. You must stick together during this difficult time.
      Look after yourself and concentrate on getting yourself through this by focusing on small steps.
      xxx

    • Your post resonates with me. I have not lost a child, but I lost my first husband, my sons’ father, in 2006. They were 5 and 15. I was a single mom for 9 years before I met my second husband. David and I were only married 1 year (and he was only 46) when he was diagnosed with stage 4 melanoma. David battled like a warrior, but passed away in August of 2018. During his illness my father and aunt also passed away-I was the executor of their estates-it felt like blow-after-blow-after-blow, but I was able to keep going because I knew David needed me as his caregive, and my teenage son also needed me. It’s been almost 6 months since David passed. Like you I worry endlessly about both of my sons. Their safety, their health. It is not an exaggeration to say that on a daily basis I have thoughts that one of them will die. I have caught myself saying loudly, “STOP IT” to stop those terrible thoughts-that in itself makes me feel crazy. It seems to be happening more often and more intensely. I’ve always said I can handle anything (on top of losing both my husbands I also lost my home and all possession in a house fire shortly after my first husband died so I’ve had other challenges as well) as long as my boys are alright. I’m not sure how time will help me through this, but I’m praying for peace for you and for me.

      • Hello I lost my wife’s in 2011 she leave me with. 2 boys 4 &5 years old
        This past Tuesday my youngest baby12 years old now got hit b 3 cars he was autism
        I’m broke inside I’m having thought kill my self. But I have a 13 years old too
        I see him super sad I don’t not what go do?he deserving better
        He take care of his brother 50 % of the time since he didn’t see him go out to the street neither I
        We feel so much guilty. If God really exist I hope my baby is in paradise with his mother
        But the only reason I do not commit suicide. Is my other kid

      • Hello I lost my wife’s pass away in 2011 she leave me with. 2 boys 4 &5 years old
        This past Tuesday my youngest baby12 years old now got hit b 3 cars he was autism
        I’m broke inside I’m having thought kill my self. But I have a 13 years old too
        I see him super sad I don’t not what go do?he deserving better
        He take care of his brother 50 % of the time since he didn’t see him go out to the street neither I
        We feel so much guilty. If God really exist I hope my baby is in paradise with his mother
        But the only reason I do not commit suicide. Is my other kid

      • My first husband I took care of for many years he died at 40 my girls were 3-10 I met a widower 3 years later and married to blend 4 kids it was our perfect He dropped dead of a heart attack in sept I lost my 2 husbands and am 52 I’m
        Sorry for your loss Didn’t realize there were so many young double widows

  34. My mother passed away 4 weeks before Christmas
    She was sick. My father who should have been with her was instead staying at a hotel. She died alone and scared. I miss her so much and am so broken over this. Since this my father is now selling all their belongings and house and is spending every dime they ever had. I have a hard time forgiving him. That was his wife whom he abandoned when she was ill. She confronted him of cheating 2 days prior to dying and now he plays the grieving husband. I just want her back. She was everything to me. She was selfless in ways you dont often find. Miss you mom. Love you always

  35. I’m grieving too.
    I read most of the comments.
    I can’t believe how much suffering is in this life.
    I send my condolences and love to everyone.

  36. I sit here exactly one year and one month from the day my then 24 year old son died. He died of what they call SUDEP, Sudden Death by Epilepsy. He had uncontrolled epilepsy for many years, struggled to get doctors to understand what he was having problems with, couldn’t get anyone to help him find medication that didn’t also mess with his moods. He complained constantly about how awful the medication made him feel. He tried following the doctors’ advice but the medication made him feel horrible. He finally made the decision to go off all meds and try to self medicate using CBD, which has helped some people with very difficult to control epilepsy. It did help some, but like everything else, it wasn’t enough. His seizures worsened. He was in and out of the emergency room regularly. And one day, he died, in his sleep. It is so sad, so unfair, he was an incredibly bright, beautiful, talented young man. He was loved by many. There wer 200 people at his Celebration of Life service, and people came out of the woodwork to tell me his impact on their lives. The night he died, I found out he had spent it consoling a homeless man, who had lost his wife and son. He would do that, help anyone, give them the coat off his back, even if it was below freezing outside. He was a really good, loving, kind person. Sometimes I just can’t wrap my head around why him. But that thought gets me no where.

    What you speak of, going along “like normal,” and suddenly Crazy comes along and invades you, like an alien taking you over, is exactly how I feel. I have so many strange thoughts about my son’s death, and wonder, often, if I am a little crazy. I love the line that “when it comes to grief, Crazy is the new normal.” That really helps, because some days I wonder about a lot of things, mostly if I will ever feel truly whole again. I might not. People have lots of advice, and I really don’t feel like following any of it. My Mom tries to tell me that I just need to have faith. I told her that it has nothing to do with faith. My friend tells me to go see a counselor, and yes, I can do that, but what are they going to do? Somehow make it different? Better? Make me feel supported? I don’t think there is a magic bullet. People want me to be better, “normal,” back to myself, whatever that means.

    But in the end of the day, the cold hard facts remain: Parker is gone, and there is nothing I could have done or can do about it. I have to just accept it. Or I guess I can choose not to accept it, only making my suffering even greater. Most of the time I just let the feelings come and be. I don’t try to change anything, I just be. It doesn’t make it better or me happy but it at least allows me to not be in a state of resistance. And yet, I wander through feelings of anger, rage, grief, guilt, frustration, and feel mostly how totally unfair it all is. I wonder sometimes why? But I will never get an answer. It is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with, and it doesn’t seem to get any easier. I think what people who haven’t experienced losing a child fail to understand is that there is truly nothing that will make the situation better. My mother told me she has faith that he is safe now, and no longer in pain, and with God. And the he is well where he is and for her, that makes it all dealable, because God doesn’t make mistakes. Well I struggle with that because I can’t understand why death makes it better for anyone. Maybe it just plain doesn’t!

    Ultimately, I don’t know what to say to people, not many do understand, and sometimes I find it too hard to have to deal with their inability to understand. I have had to say to people, “I can’t help you with that, I don’t have it in me right now. I am sorry.” People who I would ordinarily be there for, listen to, offer some kind of help but right now I am barely standing up straight myself. I know I am depressed about this, and that depression is not my usual state, but I also know that there really isn’t any way out of how I feel. There isn’t any way of of the sad fact that Parker is gone.

    That is the truth about how I feel. I don’t often say it to many people. But that is the truth. I also have a strong need to feel happy, and I often actually do feel happy about many things. Sometimes I think about how funny Parker was, about how kind, and how courageous he was. He never worried about himself, he spent the last several years of his life going out of his way to help others. I even told him, on numerous occasions, that he should really spend some of that time taking care of himself, making sure he had what he needed, but he always said that things would work out, and if someone needed something more than he did, he really didn’t have a problem sharing it with them. I feel like, in many ways, he was a better person than I was. Totally selfless. That does make me happy, realizing that the life he lived meant something. He did live his life fully. He lived his life on his terms. Those things are really admirable. And they make me feel happy that i got to be a part of his life. So part of that Crazy is the New Normal also means living with really strange, dichotomous, opposing feeling happening at the same time. How can I feel angry, crazy, guilt-ridden and grief stricken, and at the same time happy, grateful and fulfilled at having been his mom? It doesn’t make sense, and yet there it is. It does feel better pouring my feelings out. I hope this doesn’t sound too crazy!

    • My comment is for Wendy Scott. You are a normal crazy I too lost my Son in a car crash he was only 29 he also helped people and was a happy go lucky person.He had 6 beautiful children…I wish I could tell you something g to help but I have all the emotions you have some days worse than others.Only thing I can tell you is you have every right to any feelings anytime you have them life is Hell when you lose a child and your right no-one can fix that kind of pain.So if they judge you please ignore them your ♡ is broken and always will be just get through each day the best you can sorry for your loss too.

    • There is nothing crazy at all in what you told. Live your life in your own terms, as he’d wanted you to do. You had a treasure, don’t forget you’re a treasure yourself, or try to remember it along this painful journey. That’s what I’d tell my mother, who left this world 4 weeks ago. And that’s what I will try to do as well, though feeling I will fail. For what you expressed, I believe you will succeed, and your “crazy” will be the key.

  37. I lost my husband 3 months ago. I thought I was getting better but I cry out of nowhere. Because of the holidays, is pushed the pain to the side until it all hit me. I have been waiting for normal or my new normal and I can’t find it. It hurts so bad. I miss him and our life we had. When I look at my children, so say to myself man if your dad can see you now. I tried to throw myself into working at a fast food restaurant but that is even hard and it’s only one day a week. I am afraid of breaking down. I don’t trust my emotions any more. I feel lost with no direction. Life keeps going and it feels like it’s passing me by and I need to move on with my new life but I am stuck. I don’t know which direction to take. I have the support of my family thank God but I am so lost and don’t know if this is normal.

    • 3 months is nothing; the hard truth is that we will be able to evaluate how we are doing in perhaps 3 years. When the pain/confusion/disorientation is unbearable, this is a hard saying. and discouraging to hear, but true. No one, and nothing could have prepared us for this experience; and we wouldn’t have been able to comprehend the extent/depths of its effects if someone would have tried.

    • Hi Bee. I feel the same way. It’s been 13 months for me and I am hating every minute of it. I am stuck as well. I am finding that the things that irritated me I now miss. It’s the craziest thing. It’s been a year and I am pissed that people have gone about their business and I am still in the space and time of his death. Being around people all day and pretending that everything is ok is exhausting yet when I get home I can’t get to sleep. When is this going to end?

  38. Our 28 year old daughter died by suicide five weeks ago. My two older daughters are trying to carry on with their lives, but they have been deeply traumatized by their sister’s death. My husband keeps busy and doesn’t like to talk about his grief. I need people to reach out to. I have to talk about it, write about it, get support somehow every day in some form.

    I do feel as though I am going crazy. I talk to my dead daughter and tell her that I think she must be pulling a huge prank on all of us, that she can’t be dead! I kiss her photos and talk to her as if she can hear me. I expect her to walk into the room at any moment.

    I think that getting angry and irritated is part of the craziness. My oldest daughter has attacked me in great anger three times in the past ten days. i feel so much hatred coming from her at times. But i know she is in incredible pain, she feels guilty, she feels regret, she misses her sister so much. I get angry at my husband for not defending me to my daughter, but, then I realize that this is grief, all of this anger and irritation is extreme grief expressing itself.

    • Dear Aria,
      My heart goes out to you. If you have a Facebook page, please consider joining this closed group “Healing Warrior Parents” It is only for Bereaved parents. It is a Wonderful supportive group that believes Healing is possible together. They can give much needed support and tools to get you through your loss. Please take care of yourself. <3

  39. My wife and child died at child birth within 2 hours of each other 30 years ago….
    it doesn’t get better….

  40. My Mom died rather suddenly two years ago . She had always shielded my Dad from ‘real life’ so Dad didn’t have any idea how to exist in the Real World. Although there was a brother at home, I had to retire from my job (earlier than I intended) and move back into the famiy home. My brother had been made power of attorney and by December we realized he was skimming from Dad. Dad had to quit driving (and I don’t drive) and my brother turned into someone I don’t recognize. I managed to figure out ways to get Dad where he had to go, and I moved out of the house to an apartment three doors up. My landlady and I had a disagreement and since I had no lease, I had to find somewhere else to go. Dad and I went to the lawyer (actually, the lawyer came to us) and we got the brother removed as POA and closed the checking account that brother had put his name on right after Mom passed. I took Dad to the doc in August for a followup to the MRI he had in February – he’d had a spot on his lung since he was 8 years old – and they called us back and said Dad had cancer. It spread so fast, a month later Dad fell and had to go to the hospital – he had three broken ribs in the back. Dad had a panic button, he called 911 and then me. He left the house on september 26th and he never went back. From the hospital he went to a nursing home that he hated. He should have been in the VA, and every day I went to see him (bus or the kindness of friends) he would tell me, his voice breaking, that he didn’t understand why he had to be ‘there’ and wondered why his son (who BTW. refused to take him to the hospital earlier in August..) wouldn’t come see him. When the nursing home told me how much it was going to cost to keep him there, I panicked inside. Dad turned 92 on Ocrober 15th and he went to sleep that night and didn’t ever really regain consciousness. He died on October 17th. I was named executrix of the will, and have taken the proper legal steps. Brother continues to live in the house, we only speak when I accidentally run into him. He pays the house bills, he’s still working. I am retired living in a very cold apartment with a leaky ceiling because we can’t get along. I miss my parents, and I am so angry at my brother for stealing from our father. I am totally at an impasse. I took care of Dad for two years and had to be up and ready to go by 7. These days I’m lucky if I can get out of bed by 8. I am disgusted with myself for being like this, and for being relieved Dad died before his resources were completed. I feel like a horrible person.

    • Hi Lynn,

      You sound like a great person. You did all the right stuff. I am not good with words but wanted you to know I read your story and wish for you the very best.

      Kind regards,
      Mike

    • You are a great person and I wish you the best in life. I pray that God plays his part in this and blesses you.

  41. In 27 years, with the exception of my honeymoon and one senior trip I took 9 years ago, I have seen my grandmother every single day of my life. I have NEVER gone a day without talking to her. 8 months ago I received news that she wouldn’t live more than 2-3 years, so I devoted nearly every second of my life to trying to find ways to extend that time. After becoming pregnant I couldn’t lift or care for her the way I wanted to, but I did what I could. Sadly that 2-3 year diagnosis was way off, as she passed 3 weeks ago, the day before my birthday and two weeks before hers. Not to mention on Hannukkah and two weeks before Christmas and 6 weeks before the birth of my first child. I refused to deny her wishes and put her under grown, so I borrowed over 10 thousand dollars for her funeral and an above ground resting place. We didn’t have any money for the holidays or a baby shower because of it, but who cares. Since her passing only 20 days ago, my sister has suffered a miscarriage and my husband has become unemployed. I know tomorrow or the next day we will get our eviction notice, and we have a baby coming in 4 weeks. I had a fairytale wedding less than a year ago and I acted so damn spoiled and bratty about it and I believe this is my punishment. People tell me things will get better but I don’t even want them to, I just want my grandmother to come home. I spend my time researching insane things like time travel and communications with the deceased. I related to so much of this article, not even being able to shower or wear pants, let alone parenting and working. I just want to die. Sometimes I wonder if I would kill myself if I wants 8 months pregnant. All I want is to see her face outside of a picture and hear her voice outside of a voicemail.

    • Paige,

      While no one can comprehend your personal grief because our grief stories are all different, just know that we suffer with you. As a community, we’re here for you. Despite it all and how you feel without your precious grandmother, that new baby you’re carrying is a beautiful part of your future. Sounds like things are getting super tough personally and at home. Of course, like the article says, you’re not crazy. It is what it is. It’s horrible to lose someone so near and dear. But, you might consider grief counseling because it let’s you talk to someone who truly cares and can walk you down the painful path you’re on…hand in hand. Some churches offer free access to licensed counselors. Some cities do, too. I only mention this because I finally had to accept real grief counseling as a part of my new life. Losing my best friend to suicide made me practically insane. Yet, I had to keep going in the face of my family, my job, a new lawsuit resulting from his death, etc etc etc. Time made it easier to get from point A to point B without losing my marbles about every little thing, but the emotional mess I had become still made me a recipe for disaster at home with my family, the ones who most needed me to be loving and kind to them.

      My friend died almost 26 months ago. I’ve been in counseling for 25 months, but I’ve only been in specialized grief counseling for 10 months. Yes, it’s literally taken me this long.

      Just know, we love you and feel your pain. You could consider speaking with a medium (not crazy) to help you feel better as well. It helped me so much more. Look for a very reputable one if you do. I can recommend one if you like.

      Peace to your broken heart.

  42. In the summer of 2017, my mom’s Alzheimer’s got worse, she began to wander, ultimately fell, broke her wrist, and also developed pancreatitis. My father, who had cared for her up to that point, realized she needed nursing care that he could not give. (I helped as much as possible, but worked full time and lived over an hour away.) In September, an xray reveal that Dad had “something” in his lung. He had a biopsy that went terribly wrong. The doctor couldn’t get him off the respirator. Dad went from driving, eat well, and visiting Mom every day to being trapped to an oxygen unit in the wall, having a trach put into his neck, and living off a feeding tube through his nose. It was beyond terrible to watch this happening to such a vibrant older man. While Dad was in the hospital, my sister’s husband developed cellulitis across his stomach and the antibiotics he was given weren’t doing much to help his condition. Then my mother-in-law who was also in a nursing home and suffering from dementia (but knew us and could play cards every week) took a turn for the worse and her kidneys began to shut down. She passed away on Oct. 20. Dad passed away about 2 weeks later on Nov. 7. My brother-in-law’s infection got into his blood stream, and he passed away on Nov. 21 at 58 years old. A week later, my husband’s aunt also passed away. Then, on Dec. 6, my mom passed away. We had five funerals in six weeks.

    Today, over a year later and just before the holidays, I googled, “I can’t find my joy.” Your article popped up. This is exactly how I feel. And, yes, I was debating on whether this was still grief or it had moved into depression. I cry every day, but in private now, and usually on my trip to work and home again. People who have not been through a parent’s death truly think that in a year, we should be over it. I have now realized I’ll never be over it. It’s just the way it is. I had my life before. And I have my life now. I hope that there will come a day when I see a sunset and not immediately think it looks like one from when I was young. . .when my parents were still here. I want to find the joy in today.

    • Pam, i am so sorry to hear of the loss of both your parents. I just lost my Dad 2 wks ago. No one prepared me for this.. like you said about the sunset, everything makes me think of my Dad or my childhood. Which i guess is ok for now, but I’m not sure if that will change. And someday i will lose my Mom too. I’m reading a book called ‘Resilient Grieving’ by Lucy Hone, PhD Already the first few chapters have given me hope. Life is a hard taskmaster.. at some point we have to make a decision to not lose anything more to what we have lost. I hope you can join me on that journey. Prayers for you!

  43. Thank you so much for your article, especially the section below:

    “Life is forever changed and things feel meaningless, gray, and empty……
     You’re confused about your purpose. Everything you knew about life has changed. You’re questioning your faith and life’s meaning. You’re wondering if you are supposed to be getting better and you can no longer see the world in “color”.
    We here at ‘What’s Your Grief’ like to talk about a condition we call ‘Temporarily unable to see rainbows’. Have you ever noticed that many of the resources, articles, books, and materials created to help people who are grieving use images of people staring off at sunsets, standing on a beach, or gazing at the clouds? ”

    I was really beginning to wonder if anyone else out there really understood. My mom passed away on April 14th, 2018. I cared for her for the last 5 years of her life. She was on dialysis 3 days a week and sick most of the time. Fortunately, she died in the comfort of home. My 22 yr. old daughter lived with us, she too going through medical issues and mental. I cared for them both as well as worked full time. After my mom passed, the bills and stuff became overwhelming as i had just refinanced a new lease on a nice car so my mom would be comfortable driving back and forth to hospitals, stuff at my work got crazy and i was used as a scapegoat and my pay was decreased after 5 years with the company doing nothing but excelling in what I was doing and more, going to College part-time as well. My daughter was not helping and couldn’t work she said, couldn’t handle it and was supposedly waiting on social security, i tried two roommates and it just made things worse for me financially and 2 months ago my daughter does a whole 360 overnight leaving me a dear john letter on my pillow stating she moved out and to this day will not talk to me and has spread all kinds of lies about me around town………..I am devastated. So many decisions i had to make immediately and had to move out of my home…..plus started a new job on top of it all, by the way, it is my dream job! Luckily, my beautiful, older sister, told me to come stay with her until i could get back on my feet again or just stay if i want as she too is alone and lost her husband 5 years ago. We all miss him so much.

    Gray….is the only description that comes to my mind about my life….i am struggling daily just to get through it. I am one that has tried to always plan out things and prepare….but so many things got in the way that when all this happened, I was left all alone to deal with so much….to deal with all the debt and still left to try to clean it all up. The loss is huge…..my mom and also my daughter that I thought was so close to me, ended up to be the exact opposite. She ended up being someone I don’t even know, someone that used me and acted exactly the opposite……it is so hard to wrap my head around it all! Gray….it’s all i see. I am a fighter and have always been independent, have dealt with alot of loss through life, my grandmother and father whom were my world and others i loved……but I don’t know, this time is so very different. I feel as though everything i have worked so hard for and the direction i was taking has fallen by the wayside and I can’t feel…….I feel numb…….i don’t want to pretend and just want to be left alone. No I don’t see or want to see beauty in anything right now…..I don’t want to hear its going to be okay…..I don’t want you to worry about me because i chose to stay home and don’t want to go anywhere. I don’t want to talk on the phone all day nor visit or meet people. I just want to be with me…..I just want to grieve the way I need to because I haven’t the chance because you want to keep doing stuff with me, thank you but please just trust me and hear what i am saying. No one can change what has happened, no one can fix the ordeal I am in, no one can give advise what to do to move forward but ME and I know that……..I know what I need to take care of me, I have been doing it for a long time, a lifetime, as well as taking care of others, remember that is what you liked about me? I don’t know how long it will take me to grieve, maybe years, I don’t know but you will know when I come back. I have alot to process and it is not going to be easy and it is going to take alot of work. Everything i knew or thought I knew has changed, it has changed me and i need to find who that is again. Please bare with me, please understand……..let me go find me, not who you think i should be or who you knew…..that person died months ago with my loved ones.

  44. I lost my husband November 2013, 3 days before Thanksgiving, unexpectedly from a massive seizure, that stopped his heart. He woke me at 1 in the morning to drive him to the hospital, I drove 2 blocks and pulled over, because he was having a seizure, before I could help him, he took his final breath. Paramedics arrived within minutes, and revived him, for 2 days he lingered on machines. I finally requested to have him removed from the machines, after our son’s said goodbye.

    I cannot find a reason to be happy for the holidays, he was my everything, we were inseparable. I don’t want to buried our son’s by being depressed or anxious so I suffer in silence. My son’s are adults, and they have new family to spend time. Add to all of this, I loss my father 35 years ago, and now my stepfather on 12/29/2017 to cancer. I know my mother will be struggling through the holidays as well. I really do not get along with my family, sad but true, which adds to the depression.
    Thank you for letting me get this off of my chest.

  45. My husband was paralyzed following a fall from a 16 ft ladder. He is now a complete quadriplegic. I did not lose him to death but I suffered a death. The death of the husband I knew, the death of the perfect marriage and life we had, the death of our future and all that we had planned and my children lost out on the dad they once had. But my grief is always marginalized by people saying, “at least he’s still here…”. But is he? I have become all of the things in this article. I am the person who now has to do everything AND be sole caregiver to my husband. As for moving on…that isn’t possible. I can’t start a new life. I can’t find a new man to be with me and help me to begin my next chapter. I am in limbo and yes, he is still here but really I lost him as if he had died.

    • Kristen , KRISTEN, i am a mother who has lost a son, to a horrific motorcycle accident, he is no longer with me, i will never be able to hear his beautiful voice, smell, touch, i can not imagine what you are going through, but do not say it’s like death, your husband is still with you and your family, how about how he feels, do you really think this is what he wants, i hope you stick with this so called love of your life, for better or worst, in sickness and in health, both of you can heal from this, you can not heal a broken heart when someone passes away.. your children and husband need you…. do not give up, please

  46. Thank you so much for this post. I can relate to so many of the comments. My dad died about 5 months ago, and I just feel like the pain is getting worse everyday. It’s starting to get extremely difficult to function each day knowing he’s gone, but I have bills to pay. Hopefully, the emotions will eventually “level” out. Thank you!

  47. Hi, sadly what you did not mention is when your only child (25yrs old) has been killed (auto accident) and you have to go to work and be around people who do nothing but talk about their kids in the office and cubicles you have to live in. !! 🙁 it’s terrible every day to be reminded of the death and hear their great life. How do you get over that?

  48. Thanks, I found this really helpful, sadly like me you really know what it feels like. I read this site a lot. Your words say exactly how I feel. Crazy with grief for the loss of my husband just over a year ago and still I can’t accept it.

  49. I want to die !! In 5 years my loss has taken me to hell. I had the big home nice cars ski boat it was a good life. Until death started stalking my life !! It started with my beloved aunt found her dead in her home. One year later my father died in my home next to me. Six months later my sister I found dead in her bed with tv on and remote in hand. A year later my mother died in my home of bone cancer. Then to top it all off my only child hits national news because she is killed leaving her hotel in Texas. They said she was struck by at least 8 vehicles. With the cost death has burden me with I am homeless now. I was power of attorney of both parents that I diaperd and bathed plus getting my 27 year old daughters body back to my state. The cost of care was out of control. Now I am trying to figure out if this life of mine is even worth continuing. I am not needed anymore there forth I have no worth to anyone. I wanna go home !!!!

    • Wow.i can imagine your pain I just want to encourage you. Things often happen for a reason, even though the things might not be the best. Once there is life, there is hope. Just trust in God. I pray he should confort you. He always makes a way for things even when it seems like there is no hope ahead. My condolences to you.

    • Charles, I thought I was the only one that has repeatedly gone through the grief process. I lost my 10 week old baby girl to SIDS in March 1985. Two years later I lost my almost six year old boy. He had hemophilia. Then in April 2018 my husband of nearly 40 years of marriage committed suicide. Grieving doesn’t get any easier the more times you go through it.

    • Boy I promise you that you are not alone. I am so sorry. I think the worst thing is what you expect your friends to do or your family. It’s like they are unsure. One thing that helped when my PUNCHES kept coming was to realize that I was being lead. I thought I was leading. It’s so hard to see change. The losses come so close that you have no time to grieve!!! We don’t do death correctly. We miss these people do bad. One thing is the time you please take to rest and know you haven’t lost anything. You have yourself. You are in for a chapter where YOU have been given a huge responsibility!!! Someone soon is going to need your great wisdom. Only you can understand them help them. It’s an honor to go on and say hey, I made it through that. That thing the one they call life. I understand is not something people should say but people do. They just don’t show it. Go get a group help. I did not like private help. Hospis is great and if you don’t like one turn over every stone find the right fit. Rest. It’s not your fault. Praise God you were there to mover the human vessels of life through this reality nobody would. You will smile again and yes everyone is ok. They really are. It’s you who need to wait tge miracle is on its way. Prepare to be amazed. You don’t need all that stuff. Slowly it will come back. Be patient. Praying for the most incredible strength. So proud of you.

      • Kay Huddleston, I think you are right. I read the article by Charles and I could see why he said, “…death started stalking my life.” So many deaths in such a short time, and to take everyone that was so close to you. I can only imagine that kind of pain and loneliness. But do I believe that in our lives we experience themes. Personal struggles that have a theme to them. In this case, death and grief are Charles’ struggles right now, and a theme that he has experienced for the last 5 years. However, by overcoming the depression that comes with loss & grief, Charles- you can be a great inspiration to others. I think all of the advice Kay gave you about resting, and reaching out for help are essential. Please don’t give up Charles. Holidays are the hardest for people grieving, but you are not alone. The next theme in your life could be how you now help others and are a motivator to those who are going through what you are currently experiencing.

  50. My wife passed Nov 4 2018. I found her on recliner cold and unresponsive..called 911 and pulled her on floor as told and started cpr but she was gone. She began having mental issues since 2016 that increased until her death..she stopped eating and drinking. Had her in and out of hospitals the month of October for dehydration..Finally got appointment with psychiatric doctor ans she was gone before it happened…I will never be the same

    • My husband passed away 3 weeks ago and I am absolutely devastated.
      I keep panicking because I have to sort out so much I am now going down the road of probate which really scares me as never had to do it before.
      My life feels on hold at the moment I feel sick numb and useless.
      It must get easier in time.
      All the best xx

    • My husband/soul mate died last month. I know exactly how you feel.

    • My mom died in Nov 4 2018 too, I’m sixteen and my father died when I was a baby. My aunt died one day after my mother’s funeral… I feel so lost. Everything seems empty. It’s like everything is changing so fast and I’m just being dragged by all this change to somewhere I don’t know. I feel different, worst in some way. Like, I’m in a “friends with benefits” relationship with my ex, I’m kissing guys I don’t truly know. I think I’m in decandency and I dont know how to stop…

    • Barry I am so sorry. You know what. You won’t be the same but in your deepest saddness it’s not your fault. She was finished here. You strong person you. Time helps. But grieve as you are and know I promise you will get through this. What a huge honor to be with her. I was with my mom my everything when she passed quickly. It’s going to take a while to understand or smile or understand others reactions. If you let her go just a tad everyday did you know she will never leave. You are truly loved by the Lord. He will keep you going. What a lucky girl she was and is. You rest and sge is with you so she never really left.

  51. Im 19 and my mum died in oct 2017, 1 year ago when I was 18. She was 47, smoker but non drinker. She passed unexpectedly in her sleep due to heart issues. 1 year on I still have days just like the day we found her but if you are mentally strong you will learn to cope with the pain. My experience is it gets harder then easier, but I am still grieving.

    • Ethan my mom died my life died to for awhile. It was 3 years before I could smile. It gets better I promise you. It takes time. The vessel of which we enter earth has passed. I am very confident you are a mature young man whom she us proud. Lean in on God . Truly appreciate your story. I don’t feel so alone. Praying for strength. Rest and give it time. It will be excruciating in the coming months but you can do this!!!!!

  52. My husband passed away 1 yr and 5 months ago tomorrow. I’ve know other women who’ve lost their husbands but noone had as good a relationship as my husband and I. I didn’t think I’d ever find someone who really understood how I felt until I read some comments. My husband was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer yet I couldn’t believe that he would really die. I had been the sick one for several years of our marriage. He took me to at least two apts a week. Would pick me up off the floor when I would pass out. He always took care of me. Even after he got sick he still tried. The hardest part was trying to care for him being as sick as I am. But I did the best I could. Hoping every day we would go together. I don’t know if I have a gift or if it’s because we were so close but I have seen him a few times since his death. I once felt him touch my arm only to realize he wasn’t really there. I still hear him inside my head making comments and once after days of looking for something I asked him where it was and he showed me. I often feel crazy but have talked to counselors and was told I’m not. I just don’t know if I can ever feel a little normal again. I’m the only widow I know who hasn’t gotten rid of her husband’s clothes. His jacket is still hung on the same hook next to the door. I’ll never really accept that he’s gone.

    • Omg I tghought I wrote this story .
      My husband and I had 36 years of an amazing ride. I was the one sick. During our life.
      For the last 6 years he worked every day at Zales 24/7 with 3 cancers ,till one morning going to work ,he looked at me and said called 911 I cannot move my neck .
      When they put him on a stretcher. I cried bc I finally realized how thin he was. I wonder and everybody else, wherevhe got the strength to go to work. He wanted to make sure I was financially able to go on. But I would give my life to hold him one more time .
      He fought 42 days in the hospital having aneurysms.
      While they gave them steroids for his brain he got pancreatic cancer 2. When he heard it he gave up.
      3 days later he lost all his motor skills but not his brain.
      I finally did what he asked me to do ,cut his life support.
      I feel so guilty bc I didn’t want to see how sick he was bc we were supposed to finish our lives together.
      I hold him ,I kissed him for 20 minutes, while he was crying but he could no more. After that I stayed alone with him for almost 4 hours .
      He died 14 months ago and I cannot get over his death. The silence , his smile, his love .
      The kids are far away and don’t understand my grief.
      He was my love, my everything.
      I want him back.

    • Laurie,
      I am so sorry for your loss and I do understand your pain and where you are in your life.
      I lost my loving husband of 27 years to Esophagus cancer one year and five months ago. I did not go to work but stayed by my husband side at our house and cared for my husbands every need and spend every second with him. Watching my husband suffer such a horrible death was the most traumatizing, horrifying gut wrenching pain imaginable. My husband died in my arms last year and I still can feel him taking his last breath. My pain is so deep that I feel like I can’t breathe. I have not put my husband’s clothes away and I have not touched anything in my home. Although I have broken quite a few things, most things actually. My husband and I like you and your husband did everything together. He was a loving caring tender man and I absolutely hate life without him. As a matter of fact I still sleep downstairs in a huge recliner because there are certain things I can’t even touch or look at. One of the things that anger me the most is when I hear someone say something stupid like at least you got to say goodbye to him. Or that I was lucky that I got to say goodbye to him. I have never heard something so idiotic in my entire life. Watching someone that you love so deeply die a slow horrible death is like having your insides ripped out of you, every day.
      Since I have lost my husband, I have not leaned on my family or friends for anything. I am not the type of person who graves in front of others or feels the need to be surrounded by others. I have bared my grief and my pain alone which was my choice. The reality is no one understands you’re grieving, or in the absence of not knowing what to say, they say something so horrible or misinformed, That it simply
      Reinforces your decision to grieve alone. I have since returned to work but I have a new job because I feel like I can’t function normally. I have taken care of everything in my life by myself from day one, I’m not the type of person that leans on anyone or ask anyone for anything . Not that there’s anything wrong with asking family and friends for help but it isn’t in my nature. I’m not sure about you Laurie but my friends and family constantly believing that they have advice or opinions to give me as to what I should be doing and how I should be living my life is starting to aggravate me to a point that I’m becoming aggressive towards them. The constant you need to get out and you need to be with friends and you need to do this and you need to do that. And then following it up with a, I’m just worried about you or I care. When the reality is, I’m not calling them and leaning on them in anyway. I still take care of my life in my household. It seems more to me that because they miss sharing time with me that my grieving is some type of inconvenience in their life.
      Or that they just want me to stop grieving and tell them that I’m OK and pretend for their sake that everything is back to normal. It makes me angry and I would prefer that they just leave me alone. The reality is they don’t understand my grief my pain or what my husband and I suffered. I know more than anyone else what is good for me. Are you experiencing anything like this Laurie? Are people treating you as though you should be over it, As if there’s some type of statute on grieving?
      Again, I am truly sorry for what you’re going through but you were not alone. God bless you Laurie and everyone else who is suffering that I have read your blogs.

  53. In less than 60 days it will the first anniversary death of my husband of 37 years. Just as the seasons have changed since last December. So has my ability to manage my life and my grief! At first I lived in shock. Shock that this man whom I had care for and advocated for had died. How could he have done such a thing? Didn’t he know all I had done and was doing was because I wanted and needed him to live? How could he had not known that? All the times I stopped whatever I was doing to rush to be at his bedside in hospitals emergency rooms. At the drop of a hat I would rush to the nursing home whenever they called me. How I would firmly and boldly tell his medical team what I thought needed to be done to restore his health condition. All the phone calls to friends and family members to join me in prayer so God would restore him! I wanted him to live! I wanted him to be here with me! Call it selfish if you like. But I never saw him dying because I wanted him to live. Death was not a part of my agenda. Death was not on my radar! How could this have happened to him-to me-to us? I was doing all I could!!
    Did we loose the battle? Did he forfeit his right to live? Did we give up? Did I stop believing in God’s power to restore and heal? I never saw death. I only saw life. I only saw him living regardless of his medical condition. I saw life.
    But that day, the last day of his life. I knelled down at his bedside. He laid there so feeble, so frail, so weak and lethargic. It was different from another time that I had ever seen him before. I didn’t recognize him. I never seen him like this before. I called his name and asked him to “wake-up, because I wanted to see his eyes. and I wanted him to see me.” He did-barely. He never blinked, just a far away look. But I believe he heard me. He heard me and saw me for the last time. This was our good-bye!

    • Your story touched me as it captured many of the same emotions I felt before my husband died in May 2018 and how I feel still. Death wasn’t on the agenda. It was inconceivable. How could he leave me. It wasn’t possible. Not us. We were special. This just doesn’t make sense. I fought for him. I made stupid bargains with myself if only he wouldn’t die. I would be a better person. I would do this I would do that. Because he just couldn’t leave me. My whole existence – our whole existence focused on beating this cancer. Why oh why couldn’t he have used my passion for his life to stay with me. To not succumb. Can he see me now. Can he see my despair. How much I miss him. How much I ache. How empty and lost I am. How broken I am. On his last day in the ICU when the Dr said “he is dying” I said I’m not ready I want him to open his eyes one more time. I want to see him, I want him to see me. And he did open his eyes for a brief moment. I’m exhausted by my grief. By the unrelenting horror of it all which does not give a moment’s waking peace. It consumes me. My heart goes out to you and everyone who suffers such loss. I feel hopeful by reading comments that the intense pain should diminish its just a tough and lonely road to that spot.

      • We spend 30, 40, 50 years becoming more and more ‘one flesh’; one person; one purpose. Then death rips us apart and we are literally walking around like a person cut in two, and we wonder why is this so hard???? Of course, it is impossible! But with God, nothing shall be impossible. God is the only One with an answer; the only One who is the answer.

    • You are an amazing woman. I am so sorry!!! You are a wonderful writer. You have a book in you. Expression in grief and replies to others help so much. You are saying what everyone feels at least how I feel. It’s still new you are strong.

  54. I lost my grandma Evans 3 years ago by death on September 28th at the age of 99 and I sure do miss her so much it hurts.

  55. This article is amazing! Here I thought I was the exception!? My mother was diagnosed with stage 4 colo-rectal cancer in June. She was given 2 to 4 months to live. As she was leaving her diagnosis appointment they took a blood test on the way out, They called the next morning and told her to go to the closest hospital. Her sodium was dangerously low (105- Normal is 135-145). We put her in the Cleveland Clinic where my uncle was fighting for his life with a very rare case of Bullous Pemphigoid. He was in their ICU for over 100 days. My mom was in the hospital for 6 days and she passed away from complications from Sepsis. I was called that she had a respiratory arrest during a CT scan. I arrived at the hospital to see her intubated, external pacemaker(being shocked 60 times a minute to keep her heart beating), on full inotropes to increase her heart rate and contractility, and medicine that brings her blood pressure up. You see I’m an ICU nurse and I’ve seen this many times. I was finally living what my patients and their families have gone through, it was awful. To see my Mother the sweetest woman in the world, being shocked , it killed me inside. I was devastated . My Rock was gone. I asked them to turn off the machines and she dies within 3 minutes, 9 days after diagnosis my Mom was gone. For whatever reason i thought I was read to return to work after 6 days. Boy was I wrong. You see I own a full time business and work as a full time RN as well. I’m a busy guy. I guess I figured if I buried my grief in work it would eventually go away. It didn’t. I was cloudy and distracted. I don’t believe I did anything wrong at work, but I wasn’t charting very well. I was taken on the schedule and I am still not back on it after 8 weeks, I’ve also had a ton of screw ups in my business. I’m in financial ruin, my marriage is under pressure and one of my two children wont talk to me! ` TIm so depressed there are days I dont want to get out of bed and I feel like I can never sleep. HOWEVER if there is one thing I leave you with… YOUR the boss of you! You can do this and NEVER give up hope. Neither my Mom nor my Uncle would have wanted this to happen to me. I will conquer my problems and I WILL return to work!

  56. I have read each and every single post on here before leaving my own. My GOD this sucks sooo bad!! I too feel like my heart has been ripped right out my chest. My Dad, my hero, passed away June 1st 2018 totally unexpectedly. He woke up one morning and went to work like he did every single day for as long as I can remember but never made it home. He was only 66 and in great shape, healthy, never smoked, didnt drink, and though he had a very mild heart attack 24 years ago there were no known of issues going on. Well something went terribly wrong that day and before he got in his car to drive home he collapsed. By the time my family and myself arrived at the hospital he was gone. It has been exactly 18 weeks today and I still feel exactly the same way I did the first week. It doesn’t get easier!!!! It fucking gets harder and harder. My poor mom!!! she’s so lonely even though we try to keep her company and keep her as busy as possible. Her and my DAD were always together. He was her everything. When I tell you my Dad was the greatest man that ever walked this planet, I am not exaggerating. He was truly the most loving and caring husband, father, grandfather, and friend one could ever have the pleasure of knowing. I love and miss him so much it really fucking hurts. He is on my mind allllll day everyday. I sometimes still think I dont believe the reality. I still wake up thinking its just a terrible dream and then I get sucker punched in the throat again and have to go on and fake another day. As far as anger? I fucking hate everybody. Everyone annoys me, I dont give a shit about anybody else other than my family and sometimes in my mind wishing bad upon others. I often think to myself why couldn’t it be that guy and not my father. I hate GOD!!! He leaves all of these scumbags on earth that are worthless shit heads but takes a good man from us way to soon!! And fuck!! the way it happend??? it doesnt get any more screwed up than that. Look I can go on and on for days. I dont see any fucking colors or rainbows in the future. Maybe 20 years from now this will get easier but for now I will be thinking shut the fuck up when you talk to me, i will be thinking go to hell when your in my face, and the anger will be there forever.

    • I’m so sorry! I lost my dad on April 22, 2018. He was my hero too. A Vietnam Vet, a retired Fire Fighter! My mom & him were inseparable. The epitome of what a marriage should be. He was the kind of Dad & Grandfather that got down on the floor with all the kids. The most amazing man I’ve ever known!! He had heart issues & ended up in the hospital for SEVEN months following his 4th open-heart surgery!! We had him home for 7 more months but he never really recovered. He passed at home with my mom & I by his side. I replay his dying moments over & over in my mind. The holidays suck without him. I just want them to be over already. He will forever be my Hero!!

  57. I lost my brother on july 29th 2018. We were 10 years apart to the day. He was in a car accident that killed him instantly less then 5 miles from home. He was only 17. I feel so lost so robbed so angry. I feel like he never had a chance and i wish that it could have been me on those back roads. Lord knows it should have been several times. We lost our father march 10th 2018 and my dog of 12 years 2 days before our birthday. Its been a very tough year. And some days i just feel like im broken. Like someone just took my heart from my chest and all thats left is a bleeding jagged hole.

  58. This is beyond grief I can’t stop crying I’m lazy I’m listless I lash out I saw I miss JT so much it hurts every part of my body I have a huge hole in my heart in my throat I have never experienced this in my life I’ve lost my parents many relatives friends John was my boyfriend of 5 years. We split up a few times but got back together little Reef the day before he died I have no answers his parents shut me out nobody told me anything that we let me go to the services. John and I were complete opposites, but we had an amazing chemistry! )I met him 35 years ago, and thought of him off and on through the years, and then we ran into each other five years ago both divorced not looking for anybody started an immediately relationship like teenagers he loved to hold me hug me, would watch together or go for walks together. My heart aches I don’t even go out unless I have to. It’s not like I’m a child from a 56 year-old woman raised my kids, Was so fearful that they wouldn’t accept John and they did . I just wish she was sleeping approved it was Soul life after death signs nothing there and then spend two and a half months since his passing. I pretend he’s still alive I know that sounds silly.

  59. I lost my best friend/sister last October, she was only 66, cancer. I live in GA and she was in TN. I would go to take her to treatments for weeks at a time until my daughter had to have a major surgery in July. My daughter went manic and we had to stay in a mental clinic in Houston to experience Hurricane Harvey. Returned back to GA and my brother phones also lived in TN to explain he was not doing well. I drove up and attempted to find the correct doctors although it would take a month to get an appt. His wife took him to a ER, horrific place, and my brother had told me if he went there he would die.. He did, the week before Thanksgiving. He was only 56. My mother moved to Fl to live with my sister and her health has suffered to the point that now she is in a horrible assisted living not receiving the proper care. Week to week we just don’t know what to expect. Half the time I speak with her she remembers, I drove down in July to see her in the ER and she has no recollection of my visit. My daughter now 18, has been to many specialist and we have learned that two sectons of her brain are inactive. She has extreme manic/rage issues, attempted to murder me and now is off to college in NC?! Her boyfriend of 3 years introduce her to drugs, and detest me. My daugher has to take 14 holistic vitamins a day, 3 liquid. Her dad has anger issues and only enhances the extremes.. He is mentally abusive and I still think he is the love of my life! HA! I am and always have been a single mom. I left my job to be a full time mom when my daughter was 6. Now I am 56, lost and each job lead seems like a black hole. I cannot seem to get over the saddness, loss, depression the list goes on. I try to escape with alcohol which only temporay relieves the pain..

    Thank you for allowing me to share. I used to be a very strong person, have seen many therapist, tried anti-depressants.

    Now feeling hopless and worthless.

  60. I’m falling apart my husband is dying. Caring for him is overwhelming. I know I am suffering from anticipation of what lies ahead. I feel sick each minute fearful every moment. This feels like it will kill me before him. I feel it physically. I cannot remember ever being calm…for a moment of calm I would give anything. I don’t feel like I can go on yet I must..can anyone help me

    • I am here for you. Tell me what is happening now.

    • I understand you being overwhelmed with being the caregiver. My dad the last week he was alive was overwhelming. Dad was beyond restless. Up all night constantly pulling on the bed covers and falling out of bed. I would go into his room because he was calling everyone’s names who had died as well as all of us, his children. It was devastating. No sooner would I get him back settled in the bed and go back to my room right next to his and he was back either on the floor trying to crawl someplace and calling out more names. It was physically draining. I wanted to soothe my dad but I couldn’t. I learned later my dad was actively dying. My dad was in home hospice care at the time. After my siblings, against dad’s wishes, my siblings placed dad in a nursing home. As bad I hated that , at least I had professional help so I was able to do things for my dad that otherwise would not have been possible. The help at the nursing home was amazing but I felt so bad because dad wanted to die at home . My dad never wanted to what he considered “burden” his children caring for him. I considered it an honor and privilege. I miss my dad terribly and so happy I was able to take part in caring for my daddy.

  61. More questions than answersJuly 19, 2018 at 12:50 amReply

    I lost two high school classmates to suicide years ago. I was friends with one and acquaintances with the other. What I can’t figure out is why the death of both of these boys absolutely destroyed me and why I’m still grieving their loss. We weren’t very close friends, and I certainly wouldn’t put myself in either of their close circles. I never dated them, I’d never been to either one of their houses. And yet, the death of the two of them, just weeks apart my senior year of high school, destroyed me. I’ve since put myself back together, and career wise, I’m a successful adult. But I still think about them all the time. They’re in the back of my mind, and I just, I’m not sure what to do or think because in most ways, they aren’t mine to grieve. They were classmates of mine, we said hi in the halls, but we weren’t close, and I certainly don’t feel as though I’m entitled to grieve over them. They aren’t mine to grieve. Their siblings and their mothers and their relatives, those people have a right to grieve. I didn’t know either one that well. I just don’t get it. I know grief is different for everyone, I just don’t understand the way their deaths affected me so deeply and intensely, when I didn’t have a deep or intense relationship with either one.

  62. we lost my 12-year-old grandson last January I have a lot of depression anxiety panic attack PTSD and other disorders caused from being in the military my youngest son needed some help so I came back to Michigan from Tennessee to help my son in doing so I found myself permanently transplanted back to Michigan I live with my daughter and her family for almost 3 years and I was just getting to know my grandkids I moved out and my daughters home in December 2017 with having made a lot of promises to My grandson and many times I had to break my promises for one reason or another either because he was grounded and couldn’t you’ll go and do anything or because I had things come up and I had to take care of her but I always thought I would have plenty of time to do things with him and take him to hunt did you do shoot a bow taking Payton to take them out in the woods in and enjoying natur my grandson and many times I had to break my promises for one reason or another either because he was grounded and couldn’t really go and do anything or because I had things come up and I had to take care of her but I always thought I would have plenty of time to do things with him teach him to hunt teaching him how to shoot a bow and arrow taking him fishing and just taking him out in the woods and enjoying nature my Older son got in contact with me later that day or the very next morning to tell me that my younger grandson his sisters son had passed away unexpectedly and suddenly with all the medical problems that I am caused by the military and leave that being able to for older son got in contact with me later that day or the very next morning to tell me that my younger grandson his sisters son had passed away unexpectedly and suddenly with all the medical problems that I am caused by the military and leave that being able to fulfill My promises that I have made to this boy it is actually put me over-the-top in my group and my problems there is an a day goes by now that the slightest little thing starts me crying I can’t talk about it without having a hard time to speak because of the crying and the grief that I have every time my daughter write a post on Facebook speaking about her feelings and the sense of extreme loss of her son where she puts a picture of something he did when he leaves younger and has a caption under it I get so tense up inside and I cry for hours I don’t know how to get past this one I’ve gone through a lot in my life I’ve had a lot of loss I’ve had a lot of grief and pain suffering but I’ve always managed to get past this one is really giving me an extremely hard time to get through it I have psychology counselors I have psychiatrist that I talk to our time and just plain counselors to help me with many things when I feel I may have the strength to get past this one something else happens for somebody says something or picture is posted not necessarily of my grandson or about my grandson but you’re staying showing a man and a child fishing I just don’t know what to do anymore of this one I’ve never had this type of group even when I lost my mother I did not have this type of grief and it seems that I am not strong enough to cope with it I fear the unknown as to what’s going to happen in my future with all this because I don’t know how to come to grips with that I do the best I can to try to be there for my daughter and my other kids and all my grandkids but this one I don’t know I don’t know how I’m gonna get through it I’ve had grief counseling with my counselor to my psychologist and I get to point where I start to feel pretty good but then something is sad or I see something or something is done and it throws me right back into the pain of the loss of my 12-year-old grandson it’s not right we shouldn’t be burying our kids and our grandkids our children and grandchildren are supposed to outlive us I know eventually I will be able to live with it and cope with it for at least Waze I hope so but until that day comes how do I live with the Day to day grief and pain that keeps swelling up inside me every time I see anything that remotely remind me of my field promises to my grandson how do we cope with it how do we bear through it is there any certain ways that we can learn to cope with it or do we just have to take Life as it comes in hopes that it will slowly get easier to cope with

  63. I lost my sweetest friend just over two months ago. It seems no time has past. I don’t know how I’ve made it through two months. First, I was traumatized, doctor mistake. I’m not getting past the memories of his pain and watching him die by doctor mistake. I’ll have a good memory and cry a lot. I feel it is my fault for taking him to that doctor. I’m finding it hard to imagine doing anything without him. When I do things without him, it feels empty and quiet. So used to having him very close to me all the time. I keep thinking about going with him, but I don’t do it. There’s no contentedness without him and no joy. I can’t imagine any in the future either. He was in all my future plans, from waking, to breakfast, to all.

  64. I lost my daughter to trisomy 18 three days after she was born last month. Despite of knowing that she will have a short life span, nothing could have prepared me from her passing. Everyday I cry and I always felt guilty that maybe I could have done something more since we have elected palliative care for her. My faith is also shaken right now. I also feel crazy. I have been entertaining thoughts of being with her. The only thing that stops me from acting on it is my son who is only 12 years old. However, I feel miserable and it seems like my grief is not getting better.

  65. My complicated grief started two years ago. In November 2015 my father died in hospital after a surgical procedure went awry and we asked them not to proceed, but they did anyway. Eight weeks later my dear sweet beloved cherished sister MY PAL die in hospital, she took ill over the christmas period and she died attached to an automatic drugs dispensing machine. Ten weeks later my dear sweet beloved mother died in the care home where she was kept against her will, in April 2016. My mother too died attached to an automatic drugs dispensing machine. I never knew my father’s family and most of the aunts and uncles had already died. My mother’s family acted like uncaring selfish brutes and they made some VERY BIZARRE excuses NOT to help whilst my sister and mother was STILL ALIVE. The excuses that were hurled at me were “I have to go now someone is knocking on the door,” another excuse was “I am going to a St. Valentines meal.” another excuse was “I have seen no letter,” another excuse was COMPLETE IGNORANCE and the excuse that was made directly to my mother was “I have Kirstie to look after.” Kirstie is an ADULT. Also, “I am visiting my friend in Oxford.” They ALL gatecrashed my sister’s funeral and they were having a ball in the cemetery just enjoying themselves and laughing, because they are WEIRD. Not one of them expressed any sympathy to me or offered condolences, they just gawped at me. When they discovered my mother had died, I received a threatening call from a male member of my mother’s family; threatening that they were getting ready to gatecrash my mother’s funeral. I could NOT stand yet another mashing of their insults and cruel behaviour, so I told this person that they are not coming and I doubly ensured that there were no leaks regarding my mother’s arrangements. They went behind my back and pestered the funeral parlour for details, which I had already instructed them to tell nobody and explained why. My mother’s family are cruel and evil and I want no part of them for the rest of my life. They thought that they could use me as a scapegoat and they got it wrong. Now I am thrust and forced into living the life of a hermit because I have NO CHOICE. and the more I move away from this period, the harder it gets for me and I cry all the time, am really sad about everything. I am still wearing the same old pants; they do get washed now and again, but like I said, it is a GREAT EFFORT for me to do any chores and the more chores I do, the more depressed I get. Two years on, NOTHING has changed with me, it might as well have been yesterday. I break down when I go to the cemetery, so I try not to go because people stare at me and I am conscious about my loud wailing. My life has come to an end, because I hate going out in public, I miss my family, I desperately miss MY PAL. I have no future, it is like sitting in a waiting room waiting for my turn to be called. Hooking up with another man is NOT a solution for me so I am not on my own, as I have had two failed marriages already, don’t feel like it a third time.

  66. I lost my grandma about 2 weeks ago. She looked after me since I was 11 after my mom passed tragically in a drowning accident. My grandma also passed suddenly she wasn’t young, she was 92 and had lived a very long life. But there was this part of me that had hoped she would live forever. I think the trauma of losing my mom so young and never having a real father ignited abandonment fears. I am fortunate to have an extremely loving bf in my life. But theres still this pronounce pain and loss of a woman that’s been in my life since I was born. She was my everything I spend every holiday with her till I was 11 when I then lived with her. I’m now 30 and feel I should be able to grow a pair and understand that she was an old woman who had lived her life. But I’m just so lost, I held her hand till she passed that was hard watching her last breathe. I was in healthcare for years and watched many people pass but when it’s your own loved one it’s a whole different pain. I quit my job last year because I couldn’t handle watching people pass anymore and then this happened. I feel broken but yet I’m pushing myself numbingly through an intense trade school program. I’m in the middle of the drama that comes around wills and greed within families. I’m exhausted and feel like I’m actually nuts. Grief is never something that can be fully explained but there is always a sense of relief to be able to relate with others like through this site. I wish you all the love and strength through your losses.

  67. My mom passed away Aug. 5th. this year. I never ever thought it would be this difficult. She lived with me, actually we have never been apart. We have always lived together. I am 50 now and alone, no kids. I have siblings that are married with kids so they get to move on. However, my whole purpose has disappeared.

    I got through the first Thanksgiving okay, almost numb like it was very weird. What really frustrates me is other members of the family making comments like “she is with us today” and “this is the new norm” (that one was said over and over. I wanted to scream. I am sure it was their way of getting through the day but for me it was not helpful at all. First of all I don’t believe she was with us and I am not ready to accept this is the new norm.

    I have no questions, just needing to vent

    • I too lost mom 3 months ago, nothing in life seems joyful anymore, I rest a lot and sleep to much now, feels nice when I pretend to leave this life and move to life everlasting some times, sunny nice weather helps me feel better in the living .

  68. My dear Mom passed away 3 months ago, after a 1 and 1/2 year battle with cancer. I lived with her and my Dad over the last decade; my Father died from cancer 6 years ago. Living alone with Mom was at first strained, but with time we got on better and better. then she was diagnosed with colorectal cancer. I was petrified of loosing her and i took me a while to learn how to hide and deal with my fear and my wish to hang on to her. The last 6 weeks everything that could go wrong happened. among other events, she broke her femur 3 times and was not managed properly by the orthopedic surgeons. She experienced excruciating pain whenever moved in bed and morphine and morphine derivatives did little to prevent the pain upon moving. After experiencing a spontaneous fracture (possibly a consequence of the delay in surgery for the previous fracture) she underwent further surgery. She awoke from the anesthetic tapped in a nightmarish existence in which anyone entering her room might be there to inflict pain. She would nod off to sleep and only to startle again and again, sitting up with terror in her eyes, her arms flailing. Her speech became incoherent. And the staff still had to change her position in bed (to prevent bed sores) frequently. She was going through hell and could not be consoled. at times she physically “defended” herself from those who wished to move her. Spending hours with her, seeing her suffer such physical pain and mental anguish, without a way to comfort her and all the time fighting back my tears (and sometimes, a wish to scream) was probably the most difficult thing I have done in my life. Eventually the suffering ended and she drew her last breath. Thus began part 2 of our saga. I identify with “feeling crazy”. I experience anxiety and panic to the extent of not being able to function or think about anything else for 2-3 hours. Other times, at the same time I feel deep sadness and want to fall on my knees and cry,; i feel anxiety and the need to escape (where to?); and I hear emotional music playing in my head and feel bitter-sweet/ sad-happy. WHO IS RUNNING THE SHOW?

  69. My husband died 7-21-2017 and I feel like I’m stuck, I can’t cry! It’s like I’m stuck! We were together since we were 15 he died at 40 and I have no idea why! Still have a pending death certificate! I lost my best friend ! My love but it’s like why am I not trying! I was at his funeral I saw everything! I just don’t think this is healthy it’s like my mind shut down! I need to find a way out to start grieving

    • Sha, often this early after a death you are still in shock. It is not uncommon not to feel the way you expected. If you feel shut down, it can be helpful to go see a therapist or join a support group. To locate one, start by contacting a local hospice or hospital and ask if they have any running or can recommend something. We hope you find some support here on our site as well!

      • I feel like only person in the world to suffer the loss of my only real, true love, best friend, co-founder and the vision of our business THAT WILL CHANGE THE WORLD!!!! But without my Neil I am trying to hang on with a very painful arrow sticking out of me. Not lethal however!!! unfortunatly…I don’t want to live without MY ROCK!!!! I don’t want to get up in the morning. My guy was so motivating… he brought coffee to my bedside every single morning. WE had a 40 year date…. We so purely and completely. Once two of us have firmly have established their souls joined , blended as one ewithin each other … i feel like I’m out in the universe with him but am stuck here to handle this physical world with all it’s bullshit but also the joy i can’t experience anymore right now…..But should! If he’s inside, part of me… I need to feel the pride and joy in our children, our Grankids.. so he can enjoy or hurt with me! I so love and miss you every minute.

    • Hi. My husband passed away on 7-29-17. I am so sorry for your heart. You are still numb. I had a pending death certificate too. You are not alone and the tears will come when your heart is ready. That is a very long time to love someone and then lose them. Somewhere I read that for each year we are together with someone, it takes a month to process their loss, but that is in no way a timetable, because there is no such thing (a timetable) when your love goes. Hugs and sending comfort from my heart to yours.

  70. Thanks for this.

    I needed to hear that my wife threatening to leave me and our 4 children after the loss of her father was a little bit normal, she is lashing out at everyone, questioning every decision, including marrying me!

    I wish I knew what to say when her statements are contradictory, inflammatory and designed to hurt.

  71. I Lost my husband over a Month Ago,, He was dying of a Heart Attack ,,He complained of Having a” Stomach Ache”,, then he said he couldn’t breathe,,we were on our way to take him to the hospital,,but he insisted on going to the bathroom,, Giving us the Impression he was Okay,, we called 911 and waiting for what seemed to be Forever for them to come,, he kept saying he was Okay,,”I’m Coming” I’m Coming” through the Door,,”Don’t call no Ambulance”!,, we did anyway,,there was,, He kept insisting he was Fine,, and then it got “Quiet”,,I opened the door,, and I knew he was Dying ,and I knew I had to wait for the Paramedics,, and they still hadn’t arrived,, and I couldn’t do “Anything” to stop it,,,,40 (plus) Years My high School Sweetheart Father of Our Children (Now Adults),,My Best Friend,,I couldn’t watch him Suffer,,I couldn’t,,I knew he was about to leave Me and I couldn’t handle it I just couldn’t,,Help Him,, and I feel so “Much Guilt”,, because I stood outside the door,, My God!,,I was afraid to watch him Go,,I was afraid he was going to Die in front of Me and I did not know what to do,, when the Paramedics Came I rode to the Hospital with him ,,his heart stopped on the way there they revived him when we got there,, but he still Passed,,I wasn’t there,, I was Emotionnless, Shocked,,Afraid,,Numb,,I couldn’t even Cry,, it took A week after,, the Day of the Funeral,, for it to Hit Me that he was actually gone,, and since then all I’ve been doing id feeling guilt,, for not Forcing him out that door ,, and not allowing him to go the Bathroom,, for not being in there when he was Leaving Me,, I’ve been told when people are leaving this Life, some like to be Alone,, and that’s why,, he went in there,, and Insisted he was fine,,to Make his peace with God,, I don’t know,, all I know is,,I feel I should have been in there with him ,,I should have Been with him going through that,, instead of not wanting to see him Suffer,, not wanting to see him Leave,, Not believing the Inevitable,, and Now I can’t Stop Grieving,,,, I love Him Completely,,,,I don’t know who I am anymore,, what to do with Myself,,,, I don’t know how to Act,,No desire to Socialize,,They always have a Dinner for the Family After the Funeral,, I couldn’t even go to that,, Wasn’t Hungry,,I’m Lost,,God help Me

    • Gwynn, I know that your husband passed away in 2017. I wanted to say that I am truly sorry. I know it is still painful. I also lost my husband just recently. He was my sweetheart to. I met him when I was 15. I joined a grief group. I’m still have a very difficult time. How are you doing now? I know it takes time to grieve . I just want him back.
      Hope you are better .
      Ruth

  72. I buried my brother today and the sunset line in here made me laugh out loud in the middle of a panic attack over him being cold and alone. Thank you for reminding me that all of this darkness is normal. He isn’t alone. I’m in the darkness right beside him. No rainbows for a whole but they’ll come back.

  73. I don’t understand why I’ll be doing fine (and sometimes even well) in my grief, then one little thing like a Travel Ban (pretending to be the answer for preventing what caused his death in Tower 1) will upset and distress me in ways I can’t even control. Then I feel like I’ve been shunted to the bottom of the hill by an avalanche of agony.
    Everyone online who talks about this stuff like it means nothing, as if NObody lost loved ones on September 11, are completely insensitive to how we feel about using his death and our pain in some gd political GAME.
    Did it ever occur to anyone in this world outside of his family and friends that he was a person w/ some of the same ambitions, hopes and dreams the people in question take for granted every day?
    I just don’t understand why almost everyone treats what happened as if it never happened to a human being and his/her living relatives who have to live w/ what happened, but instead use the terrible thing that happened to him as an opportunity to bash one side of the other in the political arena.
    Right after it happened everyone was united against a common enemy. Now they use our pain and his demise as opportunities to appear hateful of one side or the other. I don’t understand it and it makes me crazy that most people will never see him as a person or at least stop using his death as an excuse to practice hate. Being hateful is one thing he NEVER did. He was exactly the opposite of that, he was happy almost all the time and always wanted to include people in his life. One time he invited some people to come up to his company’s holiday party even though the people in question had quit working at the company bc of bad feelings between the old VP and the ones who quit working there.
    That’s not a sign of a hateful person so why would people want to appear hateful and then say it’s bc of avenging Eric’s death. He wouldn’t want them to do it. He’s want them to do acts of kindness. That’s part of who he was and why I’m so insistent about saying the travel ban is #notinhisname.
    One of his favorite verses:

    ‘He drew a circle and shut me out
    rebel, heretic, a thing to flout
    but love and I had the wit to win
    We drew a circle & shut love in.”

  74. I lost my mum to cancer two months ago, I’m a complete mess, I’m constantly crying, I’ve been to my doctor for help but I’m not getting any help at all, I’m really at a loss as to what to do , I would appreciate some advise.

  75. My Mum died when I was pregnant, and my grief has been ‘complicated’ to say the least. Every time (even 5 years on) I get triggered or revisited by grief….every single time…I think I have gone crazy, and have clinical depression. The grief feels more like fear for me, fear and depression – I just stop seeing and feeling the good, and then I panic about not feeling good – the feelings don’t seem ‘appropriate’ to the amount of time that has passed. I have to trust that I will come out of it, like I always have – it’s exhausting though. Especially in a culture that is so quick to pathologize any and all kinds of depression and anxiety….it just makes it all that more lonely and frightening, and much harder to trust the process – which in itself causes anxiety!! lol ;( I have a great psychologist to help me with this…still it’s a crazy crazy ride..and I want off it.

    • Katy, I feel exactly the same. I lost my dear mum 2 years ago but feel worse now than I did then. I miss her so much. I have got angry with everyone and my work has been affected. In the past I have suffered anxiety and depression after a death in the family and was terrible after losing my dad. I’m scared of feeling like this in a tunnel and not being able to get out of the other side. It’s been a battle each time. I have just come off anti depressants as I was on them for years and I am trying to get through this bereavement . Mum was my bestest friend and she was always there to say I would be alright an d she can’t say it to me this time! I feel as though I hav’nt grown up.. Like you I can’t see or feel good, I just feel flat. I’m so pleased I have found this site as its a tiny bit comforting that you are not on your own and hits on a lot of the same fears. I have sent it to my sister who feels the same as me.

  76. I had an ambiguous loss (children abducted) which was never recognised by others and my grief has been disenfranchised for many years by my family and by the nhs, the circle of grief is a vicious circle from which there has been no relief.
    My children despise me, thanks to years of grooming, my family hate me too, thanks to years of manipulation by a sadistic narcissist who was my mother.
    She died being loved by my children, I will die being hated. No one has listened or heard my pleas for help. Now tell me what im supposed to do???

  77. I lost my daughter two years ago,she was 22 and mentally challenged there are days that I cry alot and feel like all I want to do is die,I know I shouldn’t feel like that but sometimes the pain is just so unbearable. I have my three children that I have to take car of so I just try and get through another day.

    • Tirhas GebremedhinMay 1, 2017 at 1:29 pmReply

      I lost my 22yers.old son.hes my evry thank lm lost i cant go on any more i dont no what to do my hart is brok emty al i want is to die no pont any mor

  78. Lost my son two months ago in an accident
    Despise this new world of pain
    Want to die but gave another son
    In hell
    All I hope for is reunion after death
    But lost my faith that there is anything after so much agony
    Don’t want to carry on
    Don’t want to be a poor example
    Impaled and on fire every single second in every atom of my being and eternity grinning at me like a skull
    Sucking me in to a life with no joy or hope of joy
    Looking for proof of life after death all day on YouTube
    PTSD from the terrible loss
    Help

    • Pam,

      You are clearly in a lot of pain. First of all I understand that you expressed that your other son is your reason to live, but I have to say f you are having any thoughts of hurting yourself please seek help immediately. You can walk into your local emergency room or call the suicide hotline 1 (800) 273-8255 (if you are in the US) and +44 (0) 8457 90 90 90 (if you are in the UK). If you are elsewhere just google suicide hotline and your country name. It is so common to feel as if there is no way out other and suicide but please know there are ALWAYS other ways.

      Second, please know two things.

      (1) The pain of acute grief should get better. You are in the darkest days right now, but as you learn to live with this loss one day at a time it will get easier to tolerate getting out of bed in the morning.

      (2) If your grief remains intense for longer than you are comfortable with. If you truly feel that you are experiencing PTSD or if you are experiencing thoughts and reactions that cause daily distress and which get in the way of daily functioning, then the best help we can give you is the recommendation and encouragement to reach out to a therapist in your area. You may want to look for someone who specializes in grief and/or trauma.

      I’m sorry for your pain. Hang in there.
      Eleanor

    • Pam, I am so sad for you. I too lost my younger son in an accident on 4th June 2016. I too have another son, John’s older brother and his best buddy – he is the only reason I stay. I fantasise about dying from an illness that I couldn’t help having – but that would also destroy my James, so I try and stay healthy. I have PTSD and a kind helpful trauma therapist – do you have this? If not, try and get it. It can help a bit. The other thing is you say you have lost faith,but it may be that the focus of your faith may be changing, not totally lost. I know it isn’t for everyone, but I have been able to hear messages from John, through music, through signs, and through a medium. It was such a relief to know he is okayand I cling to that on my real bad days. Most of them! If you would like a name to contact, I would be happy to tell you about a very helpful person. If not, maybe find a spiritualist Church? I know I sound batshit crazy but I know their spirits carry on and are with us; I’ve had proof. It doesn’t stop the grief,the loss, the yearning, the fear, the fury, the every bastard thing that goes with this thing that we have to bear, but it can help. Hang on in there, Mum.

  79. Thank you so much, I don’t feel nearly as mad as I did!!! So true, all of it, such a shame noone around me gets it…. All I can say is thank you… K x x

  80. My only child died it will be 2 years ago next month. She was a beautiful 15 year old girl…she was killed in an accident. Nothing could have prepared me for this. I feel like im going nuts all the time. I feel like some days I’m handling it too well…then other days I’m a mess. The days I feel “too good” I think what an ass I am because I’m actually looking forward to doing something or enjoying a day. I feel crazy all the time and I don’t know who to talk to about it.

    • Jayme, have you connected to a counselor at all or gone to a support group? Those can be good places to start, though of course not the solution for everyone! If in person isn’t for you there are places online to connect with others with shared experiences as well. If you are looking for resources let me know and we may be able to point you in the right direction!

  81. My husband of 40 years was sick only 4 weeks when he died. I have three grown children and four grandchildren. I was fine at first, but as time goes on, it is the little things that make me weepy. I can’t sleep, am lashing out at loved ones and at times, think craziness has set in. My husband spoiled me, he did everything, by that, he took care of the outside of the house and yard, would not let me handle a tool or paintbrush. Soon it will be 10 months since he died and miss him. Is this normal to feel this way?

  82. I found this blog today while searching the internet for answers on why I have the intense desire to break up with my fiance since my mom died on September 8th. I feel so crazy and out of sorts just like this blog describes. I am so confused right now and wonder if my feelings and desires to leave him are real or whether it is just me shutting everyone out.

  83. I think grief has quite literally turned me crazy. Life is so naff now my best friend died 18 months ago at the age of 22. Sometimes I have an overwhelming urge to kill myself so we can have our ashes mixed and be together for eternity. I feel like I literally want to melt my skin off with a blow torch because life hurts so much without her. They say a loved one who has died is now at peace, yet suicide is frowned upon… why aren’t I allowed to be at peace?! I am expected to ‘carry on’ and suffer here for the next 60 years miserable in a life that is not worth living without her.

  84. I feel like I am crazy. I keep looking up DSM criteria for disorders, but I just don’t quite match any, but I still feel like something is wrong with me.
    I am 30, my husband died 16 months ago. We were only together 3 months before he was diagnosed with cancer, and died a year later. It was very atypical, we had very little support, I was his sole caregiver, on top of living in a foreign country, and not having a single doctor to take responsibility for his care.
    We were constantly moving cities and countries to different hospitals, so I wasn’t working. Now I am in our house, in a foreign country, cannot legally get a job or even residency, but I just don’t want to leave our home. I feel like this is reasonable, but people act like, why don’t you just go back to America where your family is?
    The house is a mess, I struggle to throw out things I know I don’t want. Bad days I can stay in bed for 6 hours after waking, only to leave bed to buy fries and coca cola as a meal. I’ve put on 10 pounds.
    The first 6-9 months I felt a lot of grief of course, but also a lot of optimism and support from new and old friends. I felt strong and resilient, and often even euphoric. I traveled, socialized, went out partying, and was more sociable than I’d ever been. The world felt warm and loving. I had a string of very brief romantic encounters with several men, and felt buoyed by them.
    Now friends have less time to give, and my attempts to stabilize my life (getting a job here or a meaningful job elsewhere) have totally failed. Even my husband’s estate is still unresolved, so I don’t even have the control of paying my own bills.
    I cry randomly and become incredibly depressed over little things, like a friend or my (very casual) boyfriend canceling plans. I struggle to stick to plans to clean up, eat healthy, exercise or pursue some goal. I feel guilty for not using this time to develop skills like my writing or art which I always wanted more time for. I also feel guilty when my sadness/depression isn’t directly related to my husband. I wonder if I am just lazy and using his death as a crutch. I have no responsibilities and enough money not to worry about working yet, so I also feel like I should be more grateful.
    Is this normal? Can grief manifest as sudden sadness/depression for no reason or a very minor one? I miss him, and feel he is irreplaceable, but I know it is not complicated grief. I feel my life is in a total shambles. I believed I had learned some great lesson in his death, and it would make my life better, giving it purpose, but now I feel like a failure, and especially a failure to live up to the sort of person he was. I struggle day to day, often waking up anxious about how to get through the day and have no more than a few good days at best before a relapse. I guess I want someone to either tell me that my overwhelmed feeling is justified, or if I need to get over myself and pull it together.

    • Samantha, I am so incredibly sorry that you have been through such a devastating loss at such a young age. Though there is a common belief that they first year of grief is the hardest, they reality is that sometimes we get the through the first year and it isn’t until the second that we realize we have to adapt to a long term life after loss. Based on what you describe about your life and struggles currently I would strongly suggest you see a counselor. It sounds like there is a lot going on and a counselor would best be able to help you sort through those things and determine steps for moving forward.

  85. I am still going through a bit of “crazy,” two years after losing my mom (expected) and my husband (sudden), three days apart. I have good family support, counseling, etc, but most of the time I still feel like a kid with ADD. It is such a struggle to finish tasks. My husband’s office is still basically untouched. I have friends & family who say they will help me tackle this when I’m ready. It just feels like I’m never going to be ready.
    With the new year I do want to bring some order to my life but the thought is exhausting. I know everyone’s grief journey is different, but in your experience, is there some point when I should be concerned that I’ve become “stuck?”

    • MJ,

      I think it’s normal to have times when you still feel crazy two years later, although after two years I would say you should be able to expect it will happen less often than not. Do your grief related feelings seem just as extreme on a regular basis or is it just a certain time of year, when thinking about a specific task, or is there anything else that pops out that you think might be complicating things for you?

      Unfortunately it’s really tough for any of us to say from the other side of a computer screen but I would say stuck or not, if you want to bring order to your life and you feel unable to do it then it’s time to figure out what’s standing in your way. Perhaps it’s something that needs to be resolved or overcome or maybe there are tools and coping skills you have yet to learn that will help you find your way. You don’t have to answer this here, but is your counselor helping you address this “stuck” feeling? Have you discussed going through your husband’s office with him or her? If not you should consider breaching these topics.

      I’m sorry to not be more helpful. Grief is complicated, relationships are complicated, people are really complicated, so all we can really do is guess and ask questions.

      Good luck and let us know how you’re doing,

      Eleanor

  86. My husband passed away 14years ago and ppl tell me to get over it but I never will. Am I wrong? He was my world and when he left this world he took my soul with him.I guess what I’m asking is there really a certain time that you have to stop grieving?… Forever lost

    • Jamie,

      I’m so sorry. To answer your question, no there isn’t a time frame when you have to stop grieving. The conventional wisdom is that one should start to feel better, but not fully ‘get over it’. We keep our loved ones with us always – we’ll always love them and this means we will always grieve them on some level. That being said, fourteen years later do you feel like you’re able to find peace and feel happiness or satisfaction with your life? Is grief impacting your ability to find happiness? Part of healthy grieving is finding a way to live a healthy life after the loss even though we know you will never let your late husband go or stop loving him.

      Eleanor

  87. I am grieving over the loss of my pet. That may seem pointless to some but she was my baby for 17 years. She has been gone for nearly 3 months and the mere thought of her still makes me fight back tears. My children are grown and out of the house for awhile now. My little dog gave her life to me as she sat nearby while I wrote page after page of my life. She comforted me when I was laughing, angry or crying as I wrote the depth of my journey. She struggled down the stairs and eventually couldn’t bend to eat of her bowl. (Oh geez, tears now…arghhh) I can’t imagine the ache of losing a child, I came so close so many times. Anyway I pull up my big girl pants and smile at the memories but I still miss her so much. My book was the bravest work I have ever shared. I look forward to all your stories, that helps us get through our losses.

  88. I’m glad to know I’m not the only 5’2 woman with a man’s tweed suit from circa 1950 hanging in my wardrobe. I have 2! Thank you for ‘normalising’ the crazy feelings. I always find the sunny days the hardest – they made me feel the most sad. These are the days I most want to hide in my bedroom and stay in bed. I think your article sums up why for me.

  89. Hello,

    Everything you wrote is how I feel.

    I lost my Mom in september she was 81 years young and looked 65, She was beautiful, She was my best friend and in the last year she got sick from cancer and I spent my days taking her to doctors and making sure she had everything she needed and wanted. My Mom was doing well with the cancer ( even though their is no cure) we had just went to the doctor 2 days before she passed. She passed from a blood clot that went to her heart. My sister called me said my Mom was having shortness of breath and I was on the highway to get to her and the ambulance was there as I heard my sister screaming my Mom had passed.
    Im so lost. I have been to depression therapy I cant take anti depressants. I thought I was doing good had it together on my way to healing and since Christmas I cant get a grip on reality. I feel like IM LOOSING MY MIND. I just want her here to tell me how to get better as she always knew what I needed.
    I feel like a little girl scared to death but NO one can make me feel better
    Nothing feels right. I feel like im on a different planet and I just want to go home.
    Please help!

    • Oh Brenda, I am so sorry about your mom’s death and that the holidays have been so hard. It is totally normal for the holidays to be a trigger for really intense emotions and grief. Though it is hard to believe, it is normal to feel like you are going crazy, especially when it has only been a few months since your mom died. CS Lewis wrote an amazing book after his wife died call A Grief Observed. The book starts with the quote, “No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear”. I have always thought he was so right – no one ever warns us that grief does make us feel so scared and alone. I know you said you have been to therapy for depression, but you may want to consider going to someone specifically for grief and possible a grief support group. Grief and depression are two different things. Though of course someone suffering from depression may be grieving, grief itself is not the same as depression and it should be treated differently. A counselor who specializes in grief should be able to help you understand and process your grief. Calling your local hospice is a good place to start with finding a counselor or a group.

      Along with seeing a grief counselor, journaling can be very helpful. If you look at our categories (over to the right) at the bottom of the list you will see “words, writing, and journaling” (or just click this link https://whatsyourgrief.com/words-writing-and-journaling/) and you will see a list of different grief journaling prompts that we have posted. One journaling technique we have not posted, but that may be helpful, is writing down a problem or question you have (perhaps about your own grief) and then spend some time thinking about your mom and write what you think she would say and tell you. It sounds like you and your mom were very close, so though she isn’t here to tell you how to get better or help you see what you need, you may find that with some time and reflection you can imagine what she would say to you.

      As you work through the next days and weeks, try to take things one day at a time. When grief overwhelms us it can feel totally debilitating. Try to focus on getting through just this one day – set some small goals: find a counselor or group, spend some time journaling, do something to memorialize your mom, or whatever else works for you for that day. Consider some self-care techniques as well — we have a self-care post here with some tips you may want to check out: https://whatsyourgrief.com/self-care-for-the-rest-of-us/.

      Hope you spend some time poking around on the blog – you may find some other helpful ideas. Wishing you strength to get through the weeks and months to come.

  90. Dear Litsa and Eleanor,
    I really appreciate your post on this issue. In 2007 my only brother passed away in a car accident. I was 26 at the time and had just started my career and was trying to maintain “normal” when I was feeling anything but normal. It was a difficult time and I remember several people telling me things that were not comforting. I think that there is a balance between grieving and living and I am still trying to figure it out. If I were honest with myself, I believe that I grieved for almost 3-4 years before I sought out someone to talk to about my situation. Death of a loved one is difficult and sometimes family situations make it so much more difficult after the fact. People seem to argue about money, material goods, etc. It was such a stressful time. Also, if you are married at the time and your spouse has never experienced a significant loss…that can be difficult as well. I was married shortly after my brother died. As supportive as my husband was and is…he just could not understand my grief and I needed to be ok with that. He never pretended to understand. Looking back, that was really upsetting but there was nothing that I could do to force anyone (including him) to understand what I was dealing with inside. I guess that would be the same for each of us experiencing a loss. We all experience this as our own journey. Now, 6 years later my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer and given months to live. If I could say it anywhere…this community would probably understand that my Dad is dying from a broken heart. The cancer took over because of his grief and somewhere he lost his will to live when Rudy passed away. That is just my opinion but it makes sense to me. We certainly can “feel” grief and the feelings can become illness. It is sad for me but I find myself not wanting to deal with anything that is coming up right now. Unlike when Rudy died, I do have time to say goodbye to my Dad. It is a different loss this time. I imagine that when my Dad does pass away, I will have another time period of grief. I find comfort in friends and family that can help. I am beginning to appreciate that saying good bye is a blessing. also, I recognized that grief hurts. Not only is a feeling but can manifest itself as physical pain or illness. Back to why I originally began to type….I so appreciate your post. It is encouraging to know that I am not crazy in dealing with some of my feelings. I really appreciate your facebook page as well.

  91. I find myself talking to the stars more. And, actually, finding the beauty. My love died Oct. 4, and we spent a couple gorgeous vacation days on the shores of Lake Michigan. When he died, I found myself at my sister’s, on the shores of Lake Erie, so I went for a walk, and I took picture after picture of the beauty that was there that day. And, now, a little more than six months out, I notice myself stopping to watch a hawk soar through the sky, or a bunny run across the field. The crazy I experienced was in the first few weeks when I SWORE he was sending me signs, a song, finding something I forgot he’d given me, the seagull that wouldn’t fly away from me the week of the funeral.

    • Joyce, I think so many people can relate to that experience of seeing signs everywhere!! Though we all have different belief systems and may think different things about “signs”, the afterlife, etc there is something so comforting about the idea that our loved one is somehow trying to help us or communicate with us. Grief often shifts how we look at the world around us, for better or for worse. I think if we are lucky enough to find our grief helping us notice beauty around us it can be its own source of comfort. Thanks for sharing and I am so sorry for the loss of your husband.

  92. Hi,

    I”m not sure if this is the right place but your post was very warm and comforting so I… I’m wondering if maybe you could help me out.

    Without going into some kind of long spiel about the whole thing, about 2 years ago, a guy I’d been with (but not really; I think we were at a loss for what to do) for 2 years by then, found out that his mom was going to die. She was diagnosed with breast cancer right after I met him. It seemed that part of the reason our relationship seemed to exist, but yet not really be fully there, was because of her sickness and the constant flying both of us had to do back to our homes in Taiwan (mine), Hong Kong (his and his mom’s) and Vancouver.

    She passed away a year and a half ago, and I started crying nonstop for about a year. Not knowing the reason, and believing it was about our imperfect relationship, I got angry at him and destroyed his things, causing him to move to Australia. To my intense grief but eventual relief, the days of feeling split between two continents ended there.

    Although I finally feel like I am back to normal now (exactly two years later since she was diagnosed for having not long left to live, and one year after a sensational, mad breakup), I definitely feel that the new normal is different from the old normal. But I feel confused. I have read sooo many articles online and even tried to tell my friends, but I feel like I am missing something. I cannot shake that feeling of being left out of some kind of answer. I don’t really understand why I turned the loss of his mother into some other issue, like long distance. I can’t date because I keep finding problems with people that do not exist. I no longer know if the choices I made were based on a rational reason, or if it was some kind of denial. I can’t imagine why someone else losing their family member would throw me into that kind of madness. I had lost the ability to manage myself and make regular plans for the future. I isolated myself and moved away from people I used to know. I changed my hairstyle and my appearance and tried to hide by pretending I didn’t really exist. Now, I feel like I am crawling back out into the world like a turtle. 1 year, or more, seems like an irrationally long time to be upset over a boyfriend.

    As a grief expert, in your experience, is this… normal? Or is it complicated? I feel that my world is wrong. How can I make it less threatening again?

    • Thank you for reaching out to us, you are welcome to ask us questions any way that suits you.  It’s difficult for me to say whether your reaction is normal or not without knowing more about you and about the situation.  All three factors involved, individuals, grief and relationships, are very complex.  Put everything together and it can be really difficult to sort out; I imagine this is part of the reason why you are struggling to make sense of everything.  

      Bottom line, it sounds like his mother’s death and the subsequent breakup was significant to you, and your feelings and reactions confused and frightened you. Perhaps it has been difficult for you to move forward without being able to make sense of the past.  The only thing I can say with certainty is if you feel this is currently impacting your relationships, happiness, and/or daily functioning, then it may be a good idea to talk to someone like a counselor.  

      Often times all we need are a few sessions with someone who is a blank slate, who will not pass judgement, and who will help us sort out our thoughts and feelings.  More often than not the answer is in there, we just have to sort through many layers to get to it.  

      If your not open to this option, then journaling can be a helpful tool for sorting things out.  Sometimes organizing our thoughts on paper helps us to make sense off all that’s circulating around in our heads.  

      I’m sorry I couldn’t give you a more specific answer, but please let me know what other questions you have.

    • My step-parent sees it to be fit to keep all of my deceased parents money. He never had children of his own, and now that my parent has passed, my stepdad has decided to keep everything because he lost his wife. But, she had children. So, shouldn’t they get something?

      • Hi Vanessa, I am so sorry for the loss of your mom. The question you ask has both legal and then ethical/moral answers and, depending on your perspective, those answers may be different. Legally your mom would have needed a will if she wanted her children (or anyone else) to get a portion of her estate. Otherwise legally my understanding (and I am not a lawyer, so you would need to check with a lawyer to know for sure) is that any money/assets would go to a spouse. Whether it is moral/ethical for a spouse not to share that money with the persons children is another question altogether and one I suspect people would have many different opinions about! I am so sorry this is probably causing strife within your family. Please know there are professional mediators (some of whom are also lawyers) who may be able to assist if this is something your family is hoping to work through. Take care.

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