Grief Makes You Feel Like You’re Going Crazy

Understanding Grief / Understanding Grief : Eleanor Haley


I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news for you…grief makes you feel like you’re going crazy.

In the beginning, you feel totally out of sorts – like lash out at everyone, cry over everything, wear the same sweatpants for a week insane. Then over time you only feel a bit odd every now and then – like I’m a 5’2 woman totally unwilling to let go of the 6’1 man’s tweed suit from circa 1950 that’s hanging in my closet.

Stop looking at me like that.

Fortunately, I also have good news…when it comes to grief, crazy is the new normal.

It looks different on everyone because we all experience grief in our own way, but on some level, we all struggle to understand ourselves and the world around us in the face of profound loss.

Think about it – it makes total sense. Whether the loss was sudden or you were able to anticipate it, as soon as you understood and accepted that someone you love was dead or dying you began the grueling work of grieving.

If ever a rationale for temporary insanity was needed, one could certainly be found among the range of reactions and emotions associated with grief and loss – shock, numbness, sadness, despair, loneliness, isolation, difficulty concentrating, forgetfulness, irritability, anger, increased or decreased appetite, fatigue or sleeplessness, guilt, regret, depression, anxiety, crying, headaches, weakness, aches, pains, yearning, worry, frustration, detachment, isolation, questioning faith – to name a few.

Understandably, many will find it hard to acclimate to these emotions. One day you’re walking along like normal and the next day you feel like an alien has invaded your body; your actions and reactions have become totally unpredictable and confusing.

In search of something familiar you look to your primary support system, your family and friends, but they seem changed as well; some avoid you, some dote on you, some are grieving in ways you don’t understand, and some are critical of the way you are handling things. Everyone is searching for the new normal.

The first few weeks are foggy. You wake up each morning thinking maybe it was all a bad dream and you muddle through the day trying to make sense of life without your loved one.

Just when you start to get a grip (or not) you are forced to step back into your pre-grief life. It seems absurd that the world would keep moving in the face of your tragedy, but it has. Sadly most grievers can’t abandon their duties for long – parent, employee, bill payer, pants wearer – you now have to figure out how to continue to exist in the roles that have been yours since before the death.

Alas, that is not all. You must also incorporate new roles and duties, the ones you inherited when your loved one died – mowing the lawn, balancing the household budget, single parenting, closing old bank accounts, dealing with insurance, taking in grandchildren. People tell you ‘God never gives you more than you can bear.’ Well, we’re seriously testing that theory.

Sometimes even more disorienting is the emptiness felt by those who have fewer responsibilities as a result of the loss. Perhaps you have spent the past year dealing with treatments and prescriptions, appointments, prayers, and hospice. Now that these things are no longer necessary your life, which put on hold to be a caregiver, must be restarted.

Or perhaps you’re a parent whose life was previously made colorful by a child and fast paced by the duties of parenting. Now you find yourself waking up in the morning to rush through the before school routine, only to realize there’s no one to hurry out of bed or call to breakfast.

Life is forever changed and things feel meaningless, gray, and empty.

This is when you really start to feel like you’re losing it (you’re not). Friends don’t know what to say to you anymore. You are supposed to be back to work, school, the PTA, but you don’t feel the same.

You’re worried you are alienating people by talking about your loved one and the death. You’re confused about your purpose. Everything you knew about life has changed. You’re questioning your faith and life’s meaning. You’re wondering if you are supposed to be getting better and you can no longer see the world in color.

We here at ‘What’s Your Grief’ like to talk about a condition we call ‘Temporarily unable to see rainbows’. Have you ever noticed that many of the resources, articles, books, and materials created to help people who are grieving use images of people staring off at sunsets, standing on a beach, or gazing at the clouds?

Why are these images always paired with grief when, in reality, grieving people often struggle to find the beauty and joy in life? In fact, it may be quite unlikely that you would stop and admire the beauty of a rainbow or the vastness of an ocean. No thrilled about sunsetThose who cannot relate to these images may begin to worry, what’s wrong with me that I don’t have such a Zen perspective? But don’t worry, you’re still not crazy. These are normal feelings. I know because I’ve experienced my own grief and I know because I’ve heard hundreds of other grievers talk about the same types of experiences.  (If you’re worried that you are actually experiencing a psychological disorder like depression, anxiety, or PTSD – read this and this and this)

And take comfort, at some point, things should get easier. The intense and unrelenting distress of acute grief will be replaced by less frequent moments of sadness, anger, and frustration. You will still have bad days, but you will know things are getting better when those days are outnumbered by ‘okay’ days.

This does not mean you are ‘getting over it’, moving on, or forgetting. An important part of healing is discovering the role your loved one will play in your life after their death.

And slowly…slowly…the faded colors of life become more vibrant. The world unthaws and you start to find beauty peeking through in places you would never have expected it. Your season of grief has left you weary but stronger. You know you will never be the same and you begin to accept that you must integrate your loved one and your experiences and continue to live…a little bit wary, a little bit wise, and a little bit crazy

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312 Comments on "Grief Makes You Feel Like You’re Going Crazy"

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  1. joshua  October 22, 2021 at 8:30 pm Reply

    i know i might not be a part of this group because I have never known my mom or dad or other 10 siblings and over 34 of my friends died in 2021 so yea I am sad very but how do I get over it gets annoying then my head starts to hurt even more so mainly that, and also every time I leave my girlfriend for a long time and I try to call her and she does not answer I get worried and think she died because she goes on the road a lot but yea and i do not know how to get over that feeling and then today I am leaving for four days and my mom is taking me because of her own reasons so she rather sees me sad then I go over to my girlfriend house for 3 days and I’m not in trouble or any thing but it does not make sense at all oh and I said in trouble because I am only 14 years old, oh and one more question is it bad for me to be going through all of this since I was born cause I was adopted 8 years ago but so many people have left me behind and in the mud it is very sad but i do not know if that is that bad or is it fine.

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    • Litsa  October 25, 2021 at 4:01 pm Reply

      Hi Joshua, It is not uncommon at all to have feelings of anxiety about losing people when you have lost people in the past. In some ways our brains worry about being left again to prepare for it, in case it happens again. This is something that you can work with a counselor on and you’ll probably find that you can make big improvements in coping with some of these worries. You can start by reaching out to a counselor at your school. Depending on your school, they may work with you directly or could connect you with another counselor who would be a better fit for what you are going through. You could also talk with your parents about wanting to talk with someone.

  2. Rebecca  October 4, 2021 at 8:50 pm Reply

    Grief has no time limit.

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  3. Kathy  September 2, 2021 at 12:01 am Reply

    Since 2015 I was a full time caregiver to my father, who had CHF & my mother who had Dementia and was later diagnosed with CHF too.
    My husband and I lived a mile away. In 2020 he left. Two days later we had what was called a “500 year” flood. Water came in during the night and destroyed over 95% of everything we owned.
    I moved in and continued taking care of Mom n Dad.
    Dad died suddenly on December 31st of 2020 after a 3 day stomach virus that was too much for his heart. Mom’s mental and physical health went downhill after Dad died. I tried to remain strong. I had been born the oldest of 3. My sister and brother who were younger had both passed away tragically a few years before.
    Mom fell in April of this year, 2021. She was in a wheelchair afterwards. She declined rapidly from there and passed away on August 2.
    Since she died it’s like a wave of grief has now descended on me. Suddenly this big old house is quiet and empty. Now I’m grieving both her and my Dad.
    I realize that now they’re all gone. My family. I arranged and took care of all their funerals and now there’s just me.
    I have my grown adult children and my grandkids but they don’t live here. Since I’ve been caregiving full time my friends have all bur disappeared. I have never felt so alone in my life!
    Having trouble even getting out of bed much less doing anything. 😪

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    • maria  September 21, 2021 at 11:37 am Reply

      I know what you’re going through, I lost my mom on January 25th, 2020. she died at home in my older sister’s arms. I never met my dad he died before I was born.

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    • Susan Renee Demchesen  October 12, 2021 at 4:51 pm Reply

      Just goes to show, there’s always someone worse off than yourself and for me that person is you. I am so sorry for the losses you have endured and all the grief you must be feeling. Please accept my hearfelt condolences because you have been through more than anyone should ever have to. Just knowing I live in a world that allows such an abundence of suffering and loss for one person makes me question if anything about life is real It was so heartbreaking to read your post, I am feeling pain for which I can only attribute to my heart literally breaking inside my chest. My mind is racing in an effort to find anything I might be able to say or do to ease your suffering even just a little.
      Omg, I wish I could help you.

      There’s a part of me convinced that my life is worse bc at least you got to be a mom and a grandma and even though both your siblings and your parents have passed at least you no longer have to worry about any of them. Also men suck so to hell with your ex, I hope he hooks up with a younger, skinnier bulimic, blond bimbo like my ex did and may she also suffer personality disorders and break his heart repeatedly every time she abandons him and their kid only to return every time even more used up then previously. But, I digress. Back to the subject of everyone in your family dying ,that was the one bit of relief I have since my mom dying a miserable covid death in the hospital alone, cut off from her children for almost an entire month as she struggled every day for every breath she took. She was fully vaccinated but died from breakthrough covid on October 1st (exactly 20 years and 6months after my dad lost his battle to cancer on April Fool’s Day 2001) exactly a month after getting sick on Sept 1st. ~~~~) I may end up losing her house and her crappy, old car so that I end up living on the street where I will eventually succumb to the 20 years of extreme, chronic pain or whatever happens to untreated hashimoto’s thyroiditis but I think I will be able to handle all that just as long as I’m not worrying about my mom at the same time. Currently, my prayers are all about being able to hold it together until my senior dog passes (Mini weenie dog my x gave me after a guy running his red light crashed into me on my way home from work bc it resulted in the termination of my pregnancy even though my body held on to her for just over a month …. was gonna name her Emily aka Em aka M,, middle name: Katherine after my mom aka Em Kat aka M Kat aka Mk aka mmmmkay lol,,,
      Again I digress and yes I noticed your name so now I feell sad about (3) Kathys.

      Digress, digress but I haven’t lost my mind yet.

      How does this world full of so much senseless cruelty and overwhelming despair continue? I can only offer you the one bit of hope that’s kept me going since 2001 and that is the chance that we chose this for ourselves.

      Someone must be a few screws short to want that…. but hear me out…

      I assume we have already transcended and become pure energy.

      please trust me and continue reading…

      Fact: Energy can not be created nor destroyed. It simply changes states. It’s the first law of thermodynamics. (look it up) We came from stars and after our body dies and begins decaying, the energy that we possessed/stored within our body changes form and continues throughout the universe.

      Quantum Mechanics is a truly interesting research topic… but I digress

      If we add our consiousness to the equation it isn’t implausible (double negative) to believe that over the course of millions of years mankind has progressed to reach a point of pure energy. Unfortunately, this form is lacking a physical body and amesia which is required in order to experience, all that, which makes up a feeling of surprise, lust sorrow or even an upset stomach. As pure energy we have evolved past our need for any of that stuff but alas, it’s that kind of stuff that makes us truly feel alive so we crave to reduce ourselves to a primitive state once thought to be burdened by such senseless emotions.
      It must be worth it because we choose to wait in a long line behind others who have also gotten bored with just being and all the while we are contemplating what we can choose to experience that will invoke the deepest and strongest emotions one we have been born into this life on Earth. Each time we’re done, we get back in line but we notice that it’s gotten much longer than the last time and we consider how this is going to lengthen our time waiting so we decide to add additional challenges for our next turn in an effort to create even deeper and stronger emotions. We may end up repeating the same scenerio each time so we still have a strange sense of familiarity(like a safety line) to offset the insanely extreme extent of loss we are using to prompt the emotions we want or we may decide upon a completely new series of events so we can experience even more …like thrill seekers who increase their risk of dying each time except we don’t remember that it’s all just a computer simulation and if we die we just have to wait in line to do it again.

      If you have ever experienced something that you couldn’t explain that seemed impossible then you have no reason not to keep an open mind to the truth of our existence being even crazier than what i just described. Even collectively, there’s so much more we don’t know than we do know and the only thing holding us back is what we imagine is the limit of our imagination….

      That took a long time to get it worded right so I hope it makes sense and I hope this isn’t as long as I fear it may be… if so, oops.

      But seriously, call if you need to talk.
      My name is Susan (phone number redacted by site admin)

      While typing this I only thought about my mom dying a miserable covid death in the hospital alone a couple of times

    • Vicci  October 16, 2021 at 10:17 am Reply

      Hi Kathy,
      I came across your story today and my heart really went out to you.I am struggling still from losing my dad in 2019 but your story really got to me at how empty you must feel.
      Please stay strong!

  4. laura  August 13, 2021 at 3:36 pm Reply

    i lost my dad in 2017 and my mom 5 months later right after my son was born my husband left us, i reconnected with my old high school love and we were together every day for 3 years and he just died i me only 45 and myself and children are lost, he just passed august 8 2021

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    • Mo  August 19, 2021 at 1:03 pm Reply

      So heartbreaking. Loss is incredibly painful. 🙁

      • Isabell  August 21, 2021 at 11:01 am

        I lost my partner on 12 off may it’s been 3 month and I’m finding it a struggle everyday I thought I was dealing with it and then I’ve went back the way can’t eat bad anxiety and panic attacks and despair I feel as if I’ve went one step faward and 3 steps back I can’t go on like this

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    • Krista  September 2, 2021 at 12:27 am Reply

      I am so sorry that you have lost so many in such a short amount of time. I just lost both my parents who I was very close to, due to a murder suicide by my dad. it happened a little over a month ago and I feel like I am never going to be happy again. My Mom was my best friend. Be gentle with yourself. *hug*

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  5. Mo  July 27, 2021 at 1:06 am Reply

    Grief is hard, I’m 40 and I don’t have a lot of immediate family except my siblings. My dad passed away in 2006. We don’t talk to his side of the family anymore.

    Last year I lost my grandma july 17, 2020 and unexpectedly lost my mom on September 2, 2020. I can deal with my grams because she was older too. But my mom, it’s just awful. And to die so close to my grandma. I don’t feel like me either. Normally I’m a go getter, super outgoing and funny. But I am not introverted and hate large crowds because they exhaust me. I’m always tired, just no energy. I don’t feel like me. I cry less, the first month after my mom passed I could not eat or sleep. And I paced the floor walking back and forth. It was a nightmare. I can at least eat now. But we had to sell her house, and I’m in charge of that. So much stress that I keep getting sick. It’s important for self care. I’m learning that, to take it easy.

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  6. Nomzamo Hlubi  May 20, 2021 at 8:43 am Reply

    I lost my mom in early January. I was living abroad when my mother told me that she wasn’t feeling well. I had covid last year and she suspected that she had it too because she was described the same symptoms I felt so I encouraged her that it would be okay and that she would get better. I feel sad to that I couldn’t be with her during the last three days of her life. On the day she died, my family took her to the hospital and the doctors informed my family that she had passed away. When I called my aunt and heard the tone in her voice I knew something was wrong, and when she uttered the words “Your mother is gone” I was shattered. I felt completely destroyed and I remember throwing a glass in my kitchen. I had never been so devastated in my life. I felt so weak. It was the most traumatic news I have heard in my life. When I tried to get home to her funeral, I was blocked by a snow storm in the city that I lived so I was stuck and shocked for five days until I could finally attend the funeral. My family members weren’t very comforting towards me and I felt so alone. I remember myself walking towards her grave to throw flowers in there and it was the longest, most emotional walk of my life. I was so weak I thought I wouldn’t be able to walk. I thought I would fall over into the grave. Since then it has been a very difficult road. My brain feels like it doesn’t belong to me, I had to quit my job as a teacher because I was getting panic attacks, and somedays the stress and anxiety gets so overwhelming. I am a very competent person so not being able to “snap back” has been very difficult to. I feel like wounded, I feel sad a lot of the time and I feel that my cognitive skills aren’t what they used to be. Every day tasks are so difficult for me. I remind myself to take it easy and be gentle with myself but it really hurts and it’s quite difficult. I miss my mommy so much.I am 27 years old and now an orphan. The thing about grief is that you don’t only grieve the past and present, you grieve the future too and I am so upset that my mom won’t be around to enjoy the good things that happen in my life from now on. RIP mommy, love your daughter 🌹

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    • Gifta  June 2, 2021 at 7:58 am Reply

      I Lost my mom last month. My mom was everything to me, it was always me and her v/s the world. Even though i am 38 She would never leave me alone anywhere. Especially after my divorce. by the last week of April 2021 She got Covid-19 and took medication at home for almost a week and when her oxygen level dropped below 92 we had to admit her to the hospital. there she struggled for 17 days and passed away. I keep wondering and thinking about all the possibilities I should have explored to save her. I did as much as i could, but fell short. She was very healthy before she got the infection.
      I cannot imaging how this world is still the same, when my world is scattered into pieces. Every one keeps telling me my mom is in a better place now or time will heal everything, but this provides no solace.
      My heart goes out to everyone here who has lost their loved ones.

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      • Rosie  June 23, 2021 at 1:58 am

        My heart goes out to you and all. My tears were rolling down my face as I read your post. My story is the same as yours. I lost my mom 2 weeks ago after a 20 day battle. I keep wishing I was able to catch it sooner but she lost oxygen so quickly. I am so lost without her.

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    • Mo  July 27, 2021 at 12:59 am Reply

      So heartbreaking, I’m crying for you. Just so hard to deal with so many losses.

      Grief is hard. I also lost my mom. First I lost my grandma July 17, 2020, and we had her funeral august 2. My mom died unexpectedly on Sept 2, 2020. I don’t know who I am. And I don’t have the energy either. Like who am I without them? That’s all I knew and now they are gone.

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    • Chanel  August 3, 2021 at 5:54 am Reply

      Sorry for your loss, I feel your pain. I lost my Dad early July 2021. I live abroad so haven’t seen my parents for over 3 years mostly due to covid, not beeing able to travel. My Dad died unexpectedly. I couldn’t go “home”. Devastating to lose him and not beeing able to be there for his farewell ect. And to top it all I feel so distant from my family, feels like my Mom doesn’t want to talk to me, or just feels like I’m bothering them whenever I call or message. I do all the messaging and calling. Never get a message from them first except for the one when my Dad died to say sorry my Dad died.

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  7. Walid  May 15, 2021 at 1:55 pm Reply

    Hi, I am sorry for those who lost someone they loved, and even if hearing experiences that we can relate from others may help a little, I feel sad that many had to go through suffering. I lost my father on March 18 th 2021 after spending 36 days at the hospital. He paid a visit to my sister who lived in another city. We stayed there a whole week as a family, my mom, my brother, my sister and her two nieces and her husband. We got back a saturday, my father got what we know as the flu, my sister who is a Doctor prescribed antibiotics,not suspecting anything, I thought it’s going to pass, but things got worse day after day, I often checked on him if he didn’t have difficulty in breathing, he said it was fine. Thursday night I got sick too (horrible headache) I called my sister and she immediately suspected Covid. The next day she prescribed different medicine and on Saturday we had him passed an RMI, he had an advanced pulmonary infection and fibrosis. I and my brother took him to the hospital, they suggested to keep him in for precaution so i was somehow relieved, the next day, they put him under oxygen ventilator. I spent two days with him at the hospital and I witnessed how hard it was for him to even eat because he needed the ventilator to be there all the time. My sister flew in and we took turns in staying with him she spent the day and i spent the night. But his respiratory system was hit and they need to move him to intensive care. My sister took care of him for the rest of the time he was there. Three times a day she did the home hospital trip about 15 miles for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I could go there sometimes and I used to check people’s names who went at the intensive care and realized that not many people made it out alive, however, the last week before he died, we were given hope as he was showing positive signs of recovery, until two days, his health went down the hill suddenly. I saw him the day before he died, he was unconscious. The next day, my sister went there and her friend called me form her phone and it was the most shocking call of my life that my father is no more. Till this day her words are still haunting me. I am sorry I went through details of how he died rather what I felt because what I feel right now is a sense of regret of failing to avoid this to happen. Why did I let him go to the sauna that might be the place where he got the infection, why didn’t I suspect anything sooner, my sister is always blaming herself as she’s a doctor, how could she takes care of other people health and not her own father….etc. I tried to stay strong the weeks after his death as I was the new man of the house and paperwork, insurance…helped me to focus on something else but when the calm returned that’s where I really felt something bad happened, I can’t put it into words. A feeling I wish nobody has to experience as if the world has ended. I even thought about putting an end to my life. I couldn’t bear that unknown emptiness that I was experiencing as if someone is ripping me off from inside out. TBH, i am a religious person who believes that God is testing us and that this life is a bridge to a better place. But it’s never easy to lose someone close to you and reading some of your confessions is a temporary relief even if the pain is there forever.

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  8. Joseph Walker Thompson Jr  May 6, 2021 at 12:19 am Reply

    im greaving because so cald friend and family is stealing my identity and business

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  9. Christie  April 24, 2021 at 10:56 am Reply

    On March 20, 2021 my life forever changed. I lost the love of my life, my soulmate, provider & my best friend! I feel like I’ve been living in a nightmare ever since that day. Most days I don’t even know how to function. I feel like it takes everything in me to put one foot in front of the other. How do you just pick up and move on with life when you lost the one you loved for the last 21 years? I’ve buried both my mom & dad but nothing trumps this pain of losing my spouse. I try to think of all our good and wonderful memories every day and this helps but I find myself longing to just hear his voice or hug him or just see his beautiful smile more and more everyday.

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    • cora  July 11, 2021 at 1:32 am Reply

      i too lost my husband on March 10,2021. It was the darkest day of my life. I am having a hard time functioning everyday. I have good days and bad days..It gets lonely at night and all i can think is just maybe that one day he will show up in my dreams and tell me that his ok. i never thought how hard it is to loss some one that you love so much for 30 years.

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    • Debbie  August 18, 2021 at 8:31 pm Reply

      I lost my precious husband to a number of illnesses including cancer of throat which we battled with 33 radiation treatments. Ive been a nurse for 42 years and all his Doctors said he would have died 2 or 3 years ago without me, but that doesn’t help me. We were together 42 years. I just plain don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I did everything for him at home. All my family are deceased but my daughter and son-in-law. I can’t talk to my daughter much because she misses him and is grieving herself. I talk to 1 friend ive known since I was 19. She’s a nurse and a great friend. I i just dont know what to do. I cry , I sleep, I take an antidepressant and anxiety medicine also but nothing really helps much. I miss him so very bad. I miss his voice and smile. He had his heart right with the Lord and he passed in his sleep, but I get angry sometimes because I feel like I must have not done something right. This being in a house alone is the pits. Im retired and my best friend died a few years ago. Ive never hurt so bad in my life.have another friend that won’t discuss it. Covid doesn’t help either. I really don’t know if I’m gonna make it.

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      • Isabelle Siegel  August 19, 2021 at 10:46 am

        Debbie, I am so sorry for the loss of your husband and for the pain you’re experiencing. It sounds as though you may need a little additional support as you navigate life after loss… And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that! Perhaps you could reach out to a counselor trained in grief and bereavement or join a support group of people who have had similar experiences? We recommend you start looking here: https://complicatedgrief.columbia.edu/for-the-public/find-a-therapist/ If you are thinking of hurting yourself—or even if you just need someone to talk with—please call the National Suicide Helpline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit their website where you can do a live online chat https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

      • Isabelle Siegel  August 19, 2021 at 10:47 am

        Debbie, I am so sorry for the loss of your husband and for the pain you’re experiencing. It sounds as though you may need a little additional support as you navigate life after loss… And there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that! Perhaps you could reach out to a counselor trained in grief and bereavement or join a support group of people who have had similar experiences? We recommend you start looking here: https://complicatedgrief.columbia.edu/for-the-public/find-a-therapist/

      • Caryl  September 25, 2021 at 7:41 pm

        Debbie, I, too, lost my wonderful husband of 44 years in November 2020. He was not sick at all. He dropped dead unexpectedly while hunting in November. I have definitely reached the depression stage, and I don’t have any idea how I’ll get through the rest of my life. It just seems pointless now. All I can tell you to do is try to schedule something for each day. I’m getting a roommate because I just can’t stand to be alone. Consider that. Feel free to email me at (email redacted by site admin). Hugs.

  10. Melissa G  April 3, 2021 at 11:36 pm Reply

    Thank you for the article. I lost my mom this morning somewhere between 4-7 am. My mom was full of life, always positive, never ill, my travel buddy, my dinner buddy, my confidante. Fell ill one Friday night in late December and after a whirlwind 3 days after an ER visit we got the shocking diagnosis of terminal ovarian cancer and it was like a dream on xmas eve bringing her to her home for home hospice. A nightmare to say the least. Doctors said we had a few days left and to enjoy Christmas with her and walked away. Me and a sibling moved in to her house and never left her side until today because she passed. So fortunate to have had this time and she passed peacefully, thank god. We lived in terror and fear expecting her to suffer in the end because we wouldn’t stop reading about it on the internet (bad idea). Of course we never showed her our fear. She was lucid and as happy as she could be up until a few days ago when we had to start Morphine for shortness of breath. It as though time stood still. I can’t believe it still. Everyday I wished I could wake up from this nightmare. So grateful for the extra months I got to care for her and cater to her. She was truly a beautiful, awesome mother and kept up her jovial attitude till the end. Although we knew the end was near it was still a total shock this morning and am so happy i could say goodbye and tell her how much i loved and appreciated her. Last time I told her was 4am and by 8 am she was gone. I am still processing this still sitting in her home. Family has come and gone but I feel isolated and alone. Numb and alone even in this crowd. Just writing all of this is helpful to me. I am so sorry for anyone who has suffered any loss. Thank you.

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  11. Gail  March 25, 2021 at 5:42 pm Reply

    Lost my brother 28th December 2020. I’m still crying most days as I think of him. He was a good brother to me and was my best friend. In fact he was good to everyone. Since his death I have found out more of the wonderful things he did to help people.
    I talk to his wife over the phone at the moment and we cry together. She is doing just as I am doing and that is not quite accepting he has gone.
    I can be doing something and think I must tell Ken about this and then remember I can’t. His wife says she half expects him to be home soon with his smiling, laughing ways. She says she is convinced she hears him (he was always chatty).
    I’ve had loses before but this is hurting so much more. Its just not fair, he should still be here. He was so full of life, he loved life.

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  12. Joy Postle  March 10, 2021 at 2:04 pm Reply

    Dan
    I can’t relate to the loss of you brother, but I can very much relate to how you feel about the loss of your mum. My mum was in a care home but I couldn’t have been anymore closer to mum. After the death of my dad 25 year ago, I have always been around for my mum. Up until 2019 I was mums full time carer, she was my life and I loved every minute I spent with her. In march 2019 she had to go into care, I spent every minute I could with her. Due to covid I’ve not been able to visit, only on very few occasions. All through 2020 she was kept covid free, then January 2021 she was given the vaccine but on 4th February she died of covid pneumonia, I am absolutely heartbroken and have all the feelings you have. Mum was my life my world my everything, I don’t feel I want a life now without her. There is nothing more heartbreaking than losing my mum.

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    • Joel baker  March 20, 2021 at 4:20 pm Reply

      Hi Dan
      I too lost my mum on boxing day ,she was also in a care home ,she had a fall and damaged her insides as she was 85 she was to frail to operate, I had to have the conversation nobody wants with there mum,the doctor said there was nothing more medically that they could do to keep her alive ,so she decided I want to die in care home with dignity,I was allowed 8 1x 5 minutes when she was going down hill,the last time I spoke to her it broke my heart as she lost the ability to communicate with me anymore ,then 2 weeks later on Xmas day I saw her for 15 minutes couldn’t cuddle her couldn’t kiss her couldn’t even hear her lovely voice ,then got the call boxing day as I had had so many before so of I set but I arrived 10 minutes to late,its terrible to live with the fact those 10 minutes have killed me inside ,I can’t concentrate at work but can’t have no time off I can’t say I know how you feel mate but after reading yours I thought I would tell you mine as we all feel alone especially at this horrible painful time ,but you not alone I am in the same boat its just dark in here and we can’t see each other yet
      Kind regards
      A broken man who’s mums died
      Joel baker

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      • maria  March 31, 2021 at 3:32 pm

        i lost my mom last year she had congestive heart failure. when she died i was 14. she died on January 25, 2020. so im still trying to cope with it. if anyone has any tips they are welcome

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    • Lindsey Dawn  March 25, 2021 at 3:13 am Reply

      Hi i’am in a simular situation to you. My Mum had been in a care home for 3 years. She previously fell in the Garden and fractured her hip. After that she seemed to just give up. At first shd did all the exercises and progressed from frame to stick. However instead she just started going in reverse. So she ended up chairbound. Whilst she was in the home she wasnt eating a lot or drinking very much. She had already started reducing her food intake whilst she was at home. The first home she went in she ended up dehydrated and ended up with a bleed on the brain.

      My Dad, Sister and i visited her on a regular basis in the care home she was in last. Unfortunately like you experienced we had to stop visiting. The last time i saw her was on her birthday which was the 2nd of July 2020. We were all huddled in the porchway of the home and could only see my Mum through the glass. She didnt look very happy at all. I pushed the birthday cards under the gap in the door. She managed to reach them but seemed distant.

      Long story short. I was told by phone call that she had contracted covid on New Years Day of all days! Not like there is any good time to catch it! I was very angry but hhey said half the home had it! I just didnt really understand why she has caught it in the home. They werent allowing visitors but it wasnt making any difference as half the home had now got covid!

      They all had to isolate in their rooms for 14 days. I ssked how she was and they said she was doing ok. Eventually she came out of isolation. I would ring her up and so would my Dad but she barely spoke half the time. There would be long silences. Unfortunately we got a phone call on Sunday February the 28th 2021. Basically they said my Mum was dying. Rushed up there as fast as we could. There was My Dad, My boyfriend and i. We missed seeing her by 5 minutes, as she had already passed away!

      Found out she had kidney cancer which she was diagnosed whilst she was in the home in July 2018. She apparently was adamant she didnt want the family to know. We had the funeral for her about a week ago@. The care workers tried everything they could to make her change her mind right up until the last month before she died. Also the Doctors tried to encourage her! I dont know how to feel because i feel angry and upset at the same time. My Sister hasnt been around for several weeks as she has a mental illness and she had stopped taking her medication. So all the funeral arranging was left to us. It feels like a long time since she was properly my Mum as i knew her. After that fall she just wasnt the same person. She fell at 77 years of age. Ended up in a home at 81 years of age and then died at 84 years of age this year. I cant believe she is no longer here at all. I cant believe i will never hear her voice again, even if it was to say anything or complain about the food. I would give anything to hear her voice again.

      She wanted to be cremated which i found hard to take in because i always thought she had wanted to be buried when the time came. Obviously we had to honour her wishes. I’am just dreading it when the funeral parlour rings up and says “We’ve got your Mum’s ashes!” Its just awful its all this covid lockdown thats had such a negative affect on everybody.

      Like you said the pain of loosing your Mother is the worst pain in the world! Afterall you only get one Mother! She seemed like she had been with the family for ages and she was previously so active and looked a lot younger than 77. She could have easily passed for 66 at the time. Its just such a massive shock. You kinf of take it for granted that their always going to be there. Time suddenly speeds up and when the care home arises it seems to be all downhill from there!
      Take care, Linzi xx

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    • Isabelle  April 14, 2021 at 3:28 pm Reply

      I can totally relate to your pain.. not that it helps but today I felt I was going simply crazy with grief after 9 hours of almost constant crying.. and although family tries to be supportive, it s like ´get a grip now, should be enough..’.. my dear Father died on 28 March after a first injection of Covid vaccine, he developed an accute cough snd was on ventilator and cortisone for 10 days.. heart went with morphine. Doctors found that apparently he had a lung fibrosis, totally undetected. He was the joy of my life, so funny and full of life but very reserved with feelings, difficult to love. I never told him how much he meant to me. Now I feel the best part of me has died with him and I have very dark thoughts indeed. I m reading about after life messages and this kind of stuff but I réalise this is permanent and a feather or a gulf of wind isn’t going to help me anyway. My heart goes to all of you, all of us, bleeding raw.

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  13. Dan Kirlew  February 25, 2021 at 6:43 pm Reply

    I lost my brother on 5.6.2020. He was the eldest of 9 and had served our country for the majority of his life. I am 30 years old and this is the first real loss I felt. I watched my mother struggle to cope with the loss of her son, unable to offer any comfort or words to help. My heart aches for her and also for the loss of my brother.
    Then on 15.01.2021, 7 months later, I lost my Mum to Covid pneumonia . Even writing this makes me burst out in tears. I loved my brother with all my heart but this pain of losing my mother is like no other. I know I am struggling more than my other siblings, they know I am too. I watched her struggle to breath due to having been rushed to hospital. for 3 days she fought until she finally lost the battle. It was horrendous.
    I miss her so much. I’m struggling to find my purpose in life. I was my mums full time carer for around 6 years. My whole life revolved around her. I now feel abandoned, lost and so lonely. I don’t know how people learn to deal with grief and I know it’s a long process, but I’ve never felt pain like this.
    I would do anything to be with my mum again, I can’t stand life without her.

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    • maria  March 31, 2021 at 10:04 pm Reply

      dan,
      I lost my mom last year from heart failure. I am still dealing with the loss. I know how u feel. I was only 14 when she died. she died on January 25, 2020. she came home on hospice and died five days later. on Christmas of 2019, we had to call an ambulance because she was sleeping all the time. then when we got to the hospital 2 weeks later the doctor told us she was dying. the doctor told us that we should talk about her going on hospice he said that she wouldn’t be giving up and that he would still take care of her he lied to me my sister and my mom he never brought her back to the hospital to get fluid off her heart. then he told us that she needed to go to the nursing home side for 2 weeks where later she came home and died at 9:36 pm on January 25th in my older sister arms. I was asleep. I regret every day not telling her not to do it. I still blame myself.

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    • Esther  July 11, 2021 at 2:38 pm Reply

      I lost my Mom 3 days ago. I feel so lost. My Mom was my world. I am only 23 and with a child. I don’t feel that I made the right decisions about my love life either. I feel so very lost. My sisters judge me for the choice of the guy I chose to be the father of my baby, because of his looks. I don’t know what to do. My Mom didn’t want me to end up with the same guy either. I am depressed, extremely depressed. I feel like my life has no meaning and I feel like ending it😭😭.

      Please advice me.

      • Isabelle Siegel  July 12, 2021 at 10:20 am

        Esther, I am truly so sorry for your loss and for the pain you are being forced to endure. My heart goes out to you. Feelings of depression and hopelessness after a loss are so normal and okay… Please know that you are not alone! If you are thinking of hurting yourself, or even if you just need someone to talk with, please call the National Suicide Helpline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit their website where you can do a live online chat https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

  14. Bonnie S Long  February 9, 2021 at 10:46 pm Reply

    I don’t know what to do I don’t find any comfort in any of these comments it has been three yrs this month since I lost my daughter to brain cancer, I cared for her up to the day she passed she only lived 3 months after diagnosis, it is not getting better, she was 47 and never knew a lot of pleasure she was a people pleaser and let people use her because of her kindness, she was so good-hearted but the anger that is inside of me I don’t think it will ever be gone I can’t forgive those that used her, I can’t forgive myself for times I should have been there for her and wasn’t, I can’t forgive the least offensive thing that is said to me its either sadness or anger mostly anger will it ever go away, I hold it in as much as possible that’s how I have always handled stress. I am beyond stress now and so full of anger I despise myself and can’t cope with many people that I use to be close too its just too hard.

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    • Isabelle Siegel  February 10, 2021 at 12:03 pm Reply

      Bonnie, I’m so sorry to hear that you’re feeling like this. The anger you’re experiencing is so normal. I highly recommend you check out this article: https://whatsyourgrief.com/all-about-anger/ I hear that you feel guilty… This too is normal. I can’t tell you not to feel guilty, but I do hope that you will learn to forgive yourself. You did the best you could. It sounds as though you are struggling to navigate your difficult emotions, which is so okay. Perhaps you could seek out the support of a therapist trained in grief and bereavement, which you can find here: https://grief.com/grief-counselor-directory/. Please know that, no matter what, you are not alone. All the best to you.

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    • Persimmon61  April 21, 2021 at 8:03 pm Reply

      Hi Bonnie,
      I am so sorry for your incredible loss.
      There are no words to describe the loss of one we love so deeply.
      I lost my Dad 20 years ago to brain cancer. He was the best person and the only person in my small family that was able to show love and I loved him and always will
      He was a giver also and doing things for others brought him great and profound joy
      Perhaps your daughter found great joy also from helping others?
      Just suggesting this because I am the same way
      When I am able to help another human being it fills me with joy
      Now my Mother is dying and I don’t know what to do
      I feel like I will be an orphan
      Just want you to know I am thinking of you

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  15. Stacy  January 18, 2021 at 2:40 pm Reply

    It will be 3 years May 11th that my Eric Daniel left us. His brothers birthday is tomorrow. My first borns birthday and I was talking to him about how old he would be and told him he would be 25, NO Eric Daniel would be 25. How do you mistake your oldest sons birthday with the child’s you lost birthday? I feel I’m truly losing my mind. He says he’s not hurt, but it has to be hurtful thinking mom only focuses on your brother who’s in heaven. Pray for me and my family please.

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    • Isabelle Siegel  January 19, 2021 at 12:17 pm Reply

      Stacy, I’m very sorry for your loss and for this pain you’re enduring. It sounds as though your son understands what you are going through. I hope this article has shown you how common it is to feel as though you’re losing your mind while grieving. My thoughts go out to you and your family.

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  16. Sylvia  January 5, 2021 at 3:05 pm Reply

    Dear Katrina,

    I know how you feel I lost my son who had 2 heart attacks on the bathroom. He turned 21 tears on the 26th of Dec 2019, and passed 1 Feb 2020.

    I was and I am devistated. My boy was 13 and 16 years younger than his 2 brothers.

    2020, has been a very difficult year. What has been mentioned about grieving is spot on. I have felt all the same emotions.

    I take it not a day at a time but minute at a time. 8 tried to commit suicide in May 2020,which left me in a coma for 2 days. I was hospitalized for 2 weeks for severe depression.

    I do feel beter now. I’m on mood stabilizer and anti anxiety to prevent me from crying and going histerical.

    I’m not sure if anyone else have experienced this. But as you got the call so did my husband at 3.40am, that he died. I knew something bad happened when he told me I screamed ran outside and fell on my knees.

    Strangely enough I too feared something would happen to my son.
    I still can’t believe that it happened.

    Please look after your self.

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    • IsabelleS  January 6, 2021 at 10:42 am Reply

      Sylvia, thank you for sharing your story. I’m so glad to hear that you’re doing better now. To anyone who is thinking of hurting themselves, or even who just needs someone to talk with, please call the National Suicide Helpline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit their website where you can do a live online chat https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

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      • Nicolas  January 24, 2021 at 12:10 am

        I recently lost my mom, and I’ve been feeling alone, and angry at times. it’s only been less than 30 days. Still feeling like this shouldn’t have happened, but it did and I can’t do anything but grieve. I don’t feel like doing anything and waiting to finish up with the funeral. Maybe I should sign up for a grieving class/ program to get some insight on how to recover and get my marbles back. My job senses I’m not 100% but what else can i do. I feel like I’m about to have an outburst and lash out at times. My girl friend is not here to support.l and that might be a good thing. I think she’s afraid of catching covid. This is a real trying time. Hope I can get thru this and get back yo normal soon. Thanks for sharing everybody. God will strengthen you. Don’t give up, keep the faith!

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      • Isabelle Siegel  January 25, 2021 at 10:03 am

        Nicolas, I’m so sorry for your loss. What you’re experiencing–feeling as though your going crazy, the lack of motivation, the anger, etc.–is normal and okay. I recommend you check out these articles: https://whatsyourgrief.com/all-about-anger/ and https://whatsyourgrief.com/what-does-grief-feel-like/ You will find a way to get through this. Please know that you may never get back to the old normal, but that there may be a new normal. I think it might be a good idea for you to sign up for a grieving class/support group. You can read more about support groups here: https://whatsyourgrief.com/grief-support-groups-positives-and-pitfalls/ You can also view the classes we offer here: https://school.whatsyourgrief.com/courses I hope this helps. All the best to you.

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  17. Shani  December 30, 2020 at 7:21 pm Reply

    Thank you for this article. It truly feels like I’m loosing my mind. It’s been a little over 8 months since I lost my Father suddenly. I don’t see the beauty in life anymore and to be honest I have no desire to. I definitely lost all sense of security. I know in time it will get better, but I will be weary for the rest of my life. At least it helps to know I’m not alone.

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    • IsabelleS  January 1, 2021 at 1:50 pm Reply

      Shani, thank you for taking the time to comment and to share your story. I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m glad this article has shown you that, no matter what, you’re not alone in your feelings. What you’re experiencing is so normal and valid. You’re right–Things will get easier in time. But for now, give yourself the space to grieve. All the best.

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  18. Kanchan  December 30, 2020 at 6:12 am Reply

    My mom suddenly passed away on 04 Dec. We had a fight that day and I told her I felt I am “stuck” in life and “stuck with them” and she said we are your family, how can you say you are stuck with your family. My father is an addict and a cancer survivor and he continues to smoke as we live taking care of his deteriorating health. I had a failed suicide attempt on Nov 19 as I could not handle living with him and his self-destructive lifestyle and I begged my mom to leave him that day but she did not. She was completely healthy and spent her whole life running after him and being insulted by him. That day, she slipped and fell in the washroom while I was out for a walk. My dad was too self-occupied to even hear her cry or the sound made by her fall. I came back and had to break open the door to find her lifeless. Now she is gone leaving me to take care of my dad alone and I spend my whole day preparing his special diets (he cannot eat from his mouth and needs to be fed through a tube), spending my days at hospitals for his ongoing care, running around all day trying to get him to take his medicine and he in turn insults me, bangs his head to show his frustration and does all the things he did with my mom. I miss my mom and I miss my life. I have no support system. Everyone wants me to continue taking care of my dad and it’s what a dutiful daughter is supposed to do and I get insults and tantrums in return. He should have died not my mom. I find it so difficult to continue living like this and just wish my mom had never taken me to the hospital on Nov 19 as then I would never have to witness all this. I wish I could just die and go be with her so he could self-destruct his life all he wants on his own.

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    • IsabelleS  December 30, 2020 at 3:37 pm Reply

      Kanchan, I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through all of this. The frustration you’re feeling is so valid. I know you want to be a good daughter to your father, but is there anywhere else you can go–even temporarily? It seems as though your present situation is putting way too much stress on you. You might find it helpful to speak with a therapist trained in grief and bereavement, which you can find here: https://grief.com/grief-counselor-directory/. If you are thinking of hurting yourself, or even if you just need someone to talk with, please call the National Suicide Helpline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit their website where you can do a live online chat https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ Please be gentle with yourself. All the best.

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      • Loans castillo  January 17, 2021 at 6:03 am

        I lost my mother Jan.4 2020, she had been ill . So they put her on hospice fit copd, and congestive heart failure she was 69 years old, we were very close. And then we lost my mother in law two mths later to cancer. I’ve been so depressed. I don’t want to wake up in the morning I don’t wanna get dressed i don’t want to do anything although my husband lost his mother he can easily go on with his days..imid her so much I don’t know what to do im on anti antidepressant and anxiety meds but I still feel like nothing works I feel lost.

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      • Isabelle Siegel  January 18, 2021 at 9:55 am

        Hi, I’m so sorry for the multiple losses you were forced to endure in such a short period of time. I recommend you check out this article: https://whatsyourgrief.com/cumulative-grief-aka-grief-overload/ I’m also sorry to hear that you’re going through feelings of depression. While some depression can be “normal” after a loss, it can also be a sign that you might need some extra support… which is totally valid and okay! I suggest you give these a read: https://whatsyourgrief.com/normal-or-no-so-normal-grief/ and https://whatsyourgrief.com/finding-a-grief-counselor/ We recommend you seek out a counselor specifically trained in grief and bereavement, which you can find here: https://complicatedgrief.columbia.edu/for-the-public/find-a-therapist/. It’s also totally okay that you and your husband are grieving differently; this, too, is normal: https://whatsyourgrief.com/whats-grief-style-aka-coping-kind-crazy/ If you are thinking of hurting yourself, or even if you just need someone to talk with, please call the National Suicide Helpline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit their website where you can do a live online chat https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ All the best to you.

    • Paul  January 4, 2021 at 4:40 pm Reply

      Kachan l understand your situation well, Just remember that your mom knew what you said to her was just out of sadness to their condition. The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. She loved you very much despite the fights and arguments ,which she knew was out of your frustration over their condition. Nobody stops the will of god and his calling. You will see her again. Enjoy life thats what your mom wants. Dont dishoner her. Pray to her through god so she understands your ok and she’ll be happy until you mert again. God will give you what you want in the end.

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  19. Katrina Thomas-Britt  December 13, 2020 at 8:24 pm Reply

    On October 6, 2020, my 20 year old daughter, her best friend and another one of their friends were killed in a tragic car crash. The driver survived. My daughter was in her 3rd year of college. With COVID 19 she was taking online classes. She was loved my so many. I lived for her and my 9 year old son. Everyday I was so worried about her because life is unpredictable. The fear of losing one of my children had come to be a real life nightmare. Everyday i would check on her throughout the day just to make sure she was okay. I was very protective over her praying ghat god protected her during her daily routines in life. I would be so concerned about her well being but she would reassure me that she was fine and I was overreacting. She said to me that life was short so she wanted to enjoy and live her life to fullest. When it would become late, I would always call or text her to remind her that it was becoming late and that she should be making her way in the house. She would complain that I was so over protective so the evening before the crash I said to myself, I am going to let her show me that she is responsible and let her come in the house on her own. I went to sleep that night and was awaken by a phone call from her friend. The phone wrong once and hung up. I immediately ran to my Daughter’s bedroom to see if she was in there, she was not. I called her friend back and that’s when I was advised that my daughter was in a bad car accident. The friend advised me where the crash took place so my husband, 9 year old son and I rushed out the house in a panic. On my way I called the nearest hospital and gave my Daughters name. I was advised that they had not received anyone by her name. Upon getting to the crash site I was informed that my Daughger, her best friend and their other friend died on the scene however the driver survived. My entire world came tumbling down on me. I have been so depressed and not in the mood to do anything but lay in bed. No motivation to do anything at all. Trying to push through for the sake of my son and husband but it has been extremely hard to live life without me Daughger. Any suggestions from those that have lost a child would be greatly appreciated.

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    • IsabelleS  December 14, 2020 at 11:17 am Reply

      Katrina, I’m so so sorry for your loss… My heart goes out to you. I wish I could take even a bit of the pain away. Everything you’re feeling is completely normal and okay. I know you want to “push through” for the sake of your son and husband, but allow yourself time to grieve. You are only human. Be gentle with yourself.

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      • Katrina Thomas-Britt  December 14, 2020 at 11:10 pm

        Thank you IsabelleS.

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    • ACS  December 21, 2020 at 10:47 pm Reply

      I am so very sorry for your precious daughter’s loss. It is so sudden and so tragic. There are truly no words other than pure torture to our souls existing with shattered hearts. It takes every effort to breath and each minute that goes by is unfathomable from the previous one. This is how my existence has been since the tragic loss of my 22 yr old son this past summer in a 2 vehicle accident. There was no chance for him to survive, he was alone heading back to his apartment ready to start professional school 2 days later, devastatingly to say the least, he never made it.
      If it werent for my teen daughter i would not want to exist and be with my son. Part of me passed with him. I too had pleaded with him to leave in the morning but he insisted on leaving at night on a roadway that is dark and well travelled by trucks. I still dont know all the details but know that i am broken. One breath at a time is all you can do. Sending love and hugs, the new existence is torture.

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      • IsabelleS  December 22, 2020 at 12:10 pm

        Hi, thank you for taking the time to comment and to share your story/perspective. You’re so right–One breath at a time. I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s so normal and valid to feel as though part of you died with your son. That being said, I’m glad you have your daughter as motivation to go on. For anyone who is thinking of hurting themselves, or even who just needs someone to talk with, please call the National Suicide Helpline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit their website where you can do a live online chat https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ All the best.

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    • ACS  December 23, 2020 at 5:23 pm Reply

      Katrina keeping you in my prayers. I know some of you feel. I lost my son in a tragic car accident this summer to no fault of his own. Life is now brutal to exist. Sending hugs and love from a stranger walking this same torturous journey b

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  20. Andrea  December 10, 2020 at 8:32 am Reply

    After seven months of surgeries, radiation, chemo I lost the love of my life. This was in May 2009. In 2012, I found out his brain surgeons were forced to resign. In 2014, I retired early because I literally couldn’t function at work. Today, I continue to miss him so much I cry at no specific time and fall apart. What he went through what I witnessed left me devastated and traumatized. Complicated grief has crushed my spirit. How can I be happy again? Talking to a therapist isnt helping. Medication isnt helping. Many came to his memorial, never saw them again.

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    • IsabelleS  December 11, 2020 at 10:08 am Reply

      Andrea, I’m so sorry for your loss and for the pain you are being made to endure. I completely understand feeling hopeless… This is so normal and okay during grief. I’m also very sorry to hear that speaking with a therapist isn’t helping. Are you seeing someone specifically trained in grief and bereavement? If not, I recommend you find a new counselor here: https://grief.com/grief-counselor-directory/ For now, be gentle with yourself and don’t judge yourself for still feeling this pain. You are so strong.

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  21. Cherylle  December 7, 2020 at 4:40 am Reply

    My mother is in end stage renal failure and her healthis rapidly deteriorating.

    I’m so scared, anxious and hurt. Sometimes it feels like it’s too much.

    When I lost my father, it took years for me to get over it. It took years for me to be able to talk about him without feeling incredibly angry and overwhelmingly sad.

    I don’t even think I can survive this. I’m a mother and my children are the reason I haven’t succumbed to these feelings. I know I need to stay for them, I love them, but it’s so hard to not wonder how broken I’ll feel when she dies.

    I’m having issues sleeping and I’ve started taking sleep medication on a daily basis. This has literally caused a peptic ulcer and I only realized that when I had the urge to vomit and when I did, there was a good amount of blood in it.

    It’s like looking into a very dark tunnel. I see no happiness on the other side.

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    • IsabelleS  December 7, 2020 at 9:52 am Reply

      Cherylle, I’m so very sorry that you’re being forced to go through this. It seems as though you are experiencing anticipatory grief, which you can read more about here: https://whatsyourgrief.com/anticipatory-grief/ This form of grief can be immensely hard to navigate. Perhaps you should seek out the support of a therapist trained in grief, which you can find here: https://grief.com/grief-counselor-directory/. I wish you well.

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      • Madison  December 18, 2020 at 4:35 pm

        I am 23, I graduated from college in May and took a job in my college town so I asked a few of my best friends in their senior year to by my roommates. On November 15, I was woken up by a phone call from one of my roommates to let me know that our roommate (of my very best friends, Chrissy) was killed as a passenger in a drunk driving accident by the guy she was talking to. She was 22 and in her senior year and was going to be an ag teacher. We were very close, did everything together—went to the pub every Friday night together, got ready in my bathroom and picked out outfits, talked about everything and went everywhere together. She sat on the front porch every day and greeted me when I can home from work. Even when I got a boyfriend, she was our third wheel and still went everywhere with us.

        I was closer to her than anyone and the other roommates weren’t close with her like I was. Everyone in our college town has gone home for Christmas break and has forgotten about the accident it seems but it has changed my whole life.

        Our house feels empty, eerie and almost haunted without her here. It’s been a month and I cry everyday when I come home from work or the gym to the empty home. I feel like I’m losing my mind. I have started getting rid of all of my clothes that are colorfulI only wear neutral things now, I wander around hobby lobby and other stores for hours and never buy anything. I think about the accident all the time and feel haunted by the memory of getting the news.

        Everything bothers me. I can’t think at work or remember anything. I really don’t like to be touched at all. I cringe every time my boyfriend goes in for a hug or touches my hand. and I have a really short fuse so my boyfriend thinks that I don’t love him anymore and I really don’t know if I really dont anymore or if it just the grief making me numb to positive emotion.

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      • IsabelleS  December 22, 2020 at 12:31 pm

        Madison, I am so very sorry for your loss. It sounds as though you and your best friend had a very special relationship. The numbness you’re describing is so normal and valid after the death of a loved one… You may want to check out this article: https://whatsyourgrief.com/feeling-nothing-during-grief/ It might be helpful to seek out the support of a counselor trained in grief and bereavement, which you can find here: https://grief.com/grief-counselor-directory/. I hope the What’s Your Grief community shows you that, no matter what, you’re not alone. All the best.

  22. Annika  November 19, 2020 at 11:44 am Reply

    Hi
    My name is Annika. I am a 21 year old college student. Because of COVID, I haven’t come home in the last few months. I received a call this weekend from my mom that my dad was out hunting and had a random heart attack at the age of 54. He was so healthy and it was a huge shock to our family. He was our positive ray of sunshine in our house and I have absolutely no clue what to do next. It hurts so badly that he won’t see me graduate or get married. I feel like I won’t ever be happy again.

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  23. Jeannette Lichlyter  October 20, 2020 at 4:52 pm Reply

    Hello, my name is Jeannette,
    I went on vacation May 3rd to Aug 4th 2020 I drove to Charlotte NC from Evansville, Indiana like I do every year to see my twin sister Jenniffer and my Momma Janice, but this year was different. Out of nowhere my Momma start experiencing severe pain in her hands, cervical and thoracic spine she was crying all the time and I didn’t know what to do. I went and took care of her every couple of days at first then it became more and more that she needed me. She went to some specialist and had several katscans and x-rays and they found nothing significant that can cause this much pain. I took her to all her appointments ect. We had scheduled to go to Myrtle Beach in July because she and I both love the beach. I had been looking forward to this vacation all year. But she all of a sudden couldn’t hardly walk without serious pain. My sister Jenniffer and I arranged for my Momma to get a walker so she could walk and sit when needed. We rescheduled the beach trip to this Oct 7-12th 2020 with all the grand kids. On July 31st 2020 my Momma call me and said I fell and I can’t breath so my sister and I rushed to her house she had her oxygen on sitting on the couch we talked her into going into the ER to be checked. They admitted her and since your only aloud one visitor because of covid Jenniffer took her. They called me to come up there on July 31st and I’m was told she was in stage 4 lung cancer but it has spread to her lymphnoids, liver and spleen. I told her they were wrong and went into a huge panic I was angry and crying so hard I hyperventilated myself to the point of passing out. I had to go back to indiana I had doctor appointments and to move into my apartment. I was home about a month, then I got this awful call from Jenniffer telling me that the cancer had spread to her brain, bones, right leg and arm the radiation was helping her pain that was it. So my Momma begged me to come back and help my sister with her care. So I drove back up to Charlotte and durning the drive up there my Momma was talking to me fine. But when I woke the next morning on Sept 7th she was a totally different person. Her bubbly and beautiful personality was gone. This woman wasn’t my Momma anymore. She was really mean and demanding and became distrustful of the both of us. She hurt our feelings a lot but she would slip into herself every now and then. My mother was never weak she lived through skin and cervical cancer and a double aneurysms. She was terrified of everything and begged for help even when I was helping her. Neither of us girls got any sleep sleep and barely a 5 min shower in turns. Jenni worked from home full time and she had to work so I took care of Momma durning the day and she would get her some in the evenings. My Momma didn’t sleep long so I was up all night to with her. I was so aggravated at times and it was hard to remember that it wasn’t her doing the things she was doing. I don’t know how many of you have heard the “death rattle,” it was horrible to hear and experience. I sat in her room all night and the next moring which was Sept 28th, 2020, my back was hurting so I went to lay down for an hour and as soon as I laid down Jenniffer yelled “Come here” I knew by her tone it wasn’t good. I rushed to my Momma’s room she had taken a deep breath and I shook her screaming “Momma keep breathing don’t stop!” I was holding her and she took her last breath. I fell to the floor crying. The hospice nurse came and I helped bathed Momma and put a pretty gown on her and I did her hair put some makeup on her then painted her nails and toenails because my Momma was very bougie. She would of killed me if she went out of life looking a hot mess. I don’t really have heavy emotions right now I’m feeling like it’s not real. Everytime I start to feel something I tell myself she’s just gone somewhere and then burry it. I feel wrong having no emotions about anything like I’m not really here? I don’t know what’s going on with me? I only had two months since she was diagnosed and she died. It was to quick I feel like I’m floating kinda what’s wrong with me? Momma told Jenni to keep a close eye on me because she was afraid I’ll have a nervous breakdown. I suffer from major depression pstd among other issues. I feel kinda like I’m over grieving or not at all? I’m exhausted I can’t seem to get myself caught up with energy and I’ve had a headache for 15 days now. I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing right now I’m so lost? I’ve been having a lot of nightmares with her death and what I experience taking care of her and how it weeks she was with-minded that was not my mom.

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  24. Bea  October 6, 2020 at 8:30 am Reply

    I have a beautiful daughter, 29 years old. On 15 June 2020, i left to go to work locally. My husband dropped me off and it was lovely weather and decided i would walk home. My daughter was at home, texting me throughout the day, I know she had been feeling poorly, but nothing untoward in texts. She posted a blog at 15.40 saying “yeh ive been published” i text back “wonderful im just starting to walk so see you in about half an hour”.
    We were gonna have a cup of tea outside on the loungers and chat about our days and stuff. I got home and the nightmare begins. I saw her in the garden face down. She was still, but I thought her eyes were looking at me, i touched her eyelid and said Darling dont worry youve had some kind of seizure and ambulance on the way. I screamed and screamed my neighbours came, ambulance came. But I knew she was gone, my baby my best friend, i just cant believe it, I feel utterely lonely and destroyed and can do nothing but sit, walk around the house, lie down on the spot where i found her and just wish to die, i just want to die and be with her floating around wherever or whatever. Or just die so this unbearable pain i have will no longer be. I drive family and friends away as they dont know what to do or say. I am so so lonely without my daughter, my friend, my darling. My life revolved around her, I never ever expected in any way that she would be taken from me. I need help, I need to die, I need my girl back. I am lost

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    • IsabelleS  October 6, 2020 at 11:23 am Reply

      Bea, I am so so sorry for your loss. I understand that you are feeling such immense pain right now. I want you to know that these feelings of desperation and hopelessness are normal and okay. You are not alone. If you feel like you need help, please don’t hesitate to reach out to a therapist trained in grief (which you can find here: https://grief.com/grief-counselor-directory/). If you are thinking of hurting yourself, or even if you just need someone to talk with, please call the national suicide helpline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit their website where you can do a live online chat https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

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    • Negin  October 21, 2020 at 4:27 am Reply

      Hi Bea,

      Our experiences aren’t the same but I feel you, and I want you to know you’re not alone in this. I’ve been scurrying online forums ever since my mom passed a month ago in a car accident. I too felt a sense of responsibility, she was travelling and I didn’t want her too – I still feel like I wish I cared more to convince her not to travel that day. We have no control over something even though we keep running through our heads about how we could have controlled the situation. I’m 25 and my mom was 59, I was just starting to take car of her and offer her advice, I felt like that was snatched out of my hands. Sometimes, I too just want to be with my mom and see no point in life as well. Other than my brother and my dad, life feels very pointless for me too, but I know they need me here, like your family does too. I’m so sorry this happened to Bea, nothing can fix it, I’m angry too. I wish I could say more, all I can say is I feel your anger

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  25. Tally  October 3, 2020 at 9:37 am Reply

    I am a 27 year old woman long story short i left a abusive ex who was so toxic . Bear with me….i lost twins in 2016 they were 4 years old. I was told when i was 20 id never have babies ever again or carry every again. Now in july of 202 on the 11th i went to the er having heavy bleeding and labor pains i was told in the er i was with child and losing the baby . I dont have any family or anyone who loves me …I LOST IT when i found out i was with child i lost it all the way……the emotions and most of all i felt so helpless couldnt control what was happening i couldnt stop it . So much blood i cant get it out of my mind i have thin blood so i lost alot more than the average person. I woke up few days ago its been few months and honestly im just WORSE THAN EVER! I hate life i hate everyone i cant cope with this . The er obgyn told me i was 4 months i had a ultra sound done in tears sobbing in shock no heart beat , i had surgery done the next day to remove my baby . I cant EAT hardly i barely sleep and nothing makes me happy in life. I woke up 3 days ago crying cause i held onto my tummy as soon as i woke up started losing it balling saying my tummy is empty my baby is gone…… I have lost 3 babies now in my life . When is enough just enough when is the pain considered too much? I feel so numb and i dont know who i am anymore i dont know the woman i see when i look into the mirror. I cry seeing my scars on my tummy cause its all i have left of my baby girl

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    • Rachel  November 21, 2020 at 1:32 pm Reply

      I am so sorry. I lost my super healthy and wonderful 4 years old girl 1 month ago due to a medical error. Previously I had 2 miscarriages and a stillborn. Life can be very hard. I also feel I am going crazy some days.

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  26. John Bloom  September 10, 2020 at 11:41 pm Reply

    I lost my wife of 27 years on August 8th 2020 she went to bed with a headache and puking since she had been drinking there was nothing out of the ordinary I got up to go to work the next morning when I went inside the bedroom to wake her up she was dead in our bed a brain aneurysm had ruptured and took her from me talk about devastation confusion anger guilt my life at this point sucks so bad I don’t know what to do with myself the waves of grief are horrible. I didn’t realize or maybe I didn’t want to realize seeing as how she was still warm I called 911 started applying CPR and for some reason I still thought she had a chance I went to emergency room where they had her on a respirator her heart was still beating and I was talking to her and telling her how much I love her and need her and the person taking care of her in the emergency room told me whatever it is you’re doing she is stabilizing so I’m thinking there’s a chance after they took her for a brain scan they told me she was brain dead they had given me false hope to top it all off when the brain surgeon or neurologist whatever you want to call him try to show me her results online they would not come up he proceeded to go into the room and I was in there with him he shined a flashlight in her eyes to show me she had no response and then he grabbed her head and shook it I almost lost it not that I’m a tough guy or an animal but he’s lucky he was 80 years old what kind of a person would do that in front of you I’m thankful that I got to view her at peace to wipe out those horrible images

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    • Tally  October 3, 2020 at 9:48 am Reply

      Im so sorry John i didnt lose a husband but i just lost a baby girl 4 months i miscarried this july 11th 2020. I can relate to ur pain because i just lost someone i love more than anything in this world . Im so so sorry for your loss truly i am i am losing my mind each day that passes more and more. I myself even feel guilt anger at myself like u couldve done something but it was too late. I feel like as a human being im not even human anymore i feel like im on another planet now mentally ….its so hard to explain . I am going thru all this darkness just PURE darkness while others are going on with their lives . My heart is heavy and everyday i wake up that passes me by the more i just my heart would give out. The more my days become more dark and loney ….this is truly a slow death torment pure torment is what im feeling inside . Someone ripped my heart out and said okay u dont need this anymore ….hun i am young but i know pain more than most.

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  27. Saeid  September 3, 2020 at 6:44 am Reply

    Hi there!
    I just wanted to share my story of losing a loved one. She was my age 30 and we took a trip together. we loved each other so much. We had been together for around 2 years. After we returned from the trip which was super romantic and peaceful, my phone rang and I was told she was DEAD! She was found dead in her bedroom after some 12 hours. I don’t know how she died. Her family says it was an accident but I still can’t believe it. There are so many questions that I can’t find an answer to!

    I cried my eyes out for the first 3 months. and now that 8 months have passed I feel purposeless and numb. My life is empty. I don’t feel like teaching (I am a teacher) and it is taking a heavy toll on my job. I don’t have much social support. I don’t have any friends. life feels like an endless night.

    I don’t know how long it will take for me to cope! But I am exhausted from all the depression and confusion. I take medication to feel better but they don’t seem to work.

    the worst part is that during that trip she had told me she would die when we return but I didn’t care much as I thought it was the alcohol talking.

    tones of regret! sadness and emptiness

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  28. Jenni  August 31, 2020 at 3:50 pm Reply

    Hello I lost my friend suddenly on August 26, 2020. I had been seeing him for almost three years and he kept asking me to marry him and I would just blow it off and say things like let’s wait or simply nothing at all. He often told me time waits for on one and I would just look at him. Right now I feel like I’m losing my mind and suffering from so many regrets. The week of his death he kept asking me to stop by and each day I had an excuse. Tuesday of that week he called and said please stop by with such urgency and again my response was Let’s shoot for Wednesday. Well imagine getting to work only to receive a call that he was found dead in his apartment. Tomorrow never came and so all of this is just shocking and the pain, regret and grief all is one is so much to bare. I’m truly at a loss for words………………… the pain is so real and I cannot stop replaying our last conversation and how sad he was that I did not stop by.

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  29. Susan  August 30, 2020 at 8:48 pm Reply

    I lost my mother on July 26 and she passed away in my arms. I had moved back from another state to take care of her over the past couple of years but thanks it really deteriorated in the last seven months. We still laughed every day and she was my best friend. I feel like she’s the only person that ever really knew me. I’m not married and I don’t have any children and with the virus etc. in full swing my brother was the only one with me to hug as we had to call the folks to come pick up Mom for next steps. No funeral except for an obituary with family in other states. Since she and I lived at home. Between my corporate job which I worked remotely and taking care of her 24 seven which I am grateful for, I feel like 30 days after her death, this weekend has just hit me like a brick wall. I felt like I was getting things done and crying about 20 minutes a day and this weekend I am a complete emotional disaster and feel like I’m losing my mind and don’t even know what my purpose is anymore.

    I sit on her bed because she passed away and just cry and I thought I had things under such control for weeks but I guess I was on auto pilot and getting things taken care of and this is a feeling I’ve never felt before even though I’ve lost other relatives I feel like somebody has cut part of my soul out. It’s just devastating and hard to know what feels normal.

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    • Thato  October 12, 2020 at 3:20 am Reply

      Hey There.

      I lost my mother roughly 6 months ago in April. Prior to that my only sibling had passed about a year and a half ago. He died without children and I, myself don’t have any children yet. You can imagine how lonely life gets.

      I go through periods where I question my sanity because I always wander how anyone could go through such traumatizing events and still be okay mentally.

      Most days I feel like I’m just existing, I find it hard to live with vigor and excitement. I hope it’ll get better with time, because I fear I could go temporarily insane if it doesn’t get better.

      I hope you find peace in knowing there is someone else going through similarly what you went through. Stay strong❤️

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      • Gonzalo  December 12, 2020 at 4:04 pm

        I too lost my mother, on November 13th, was her caregiver and also have no life on my own, im devasteted, lost, with no purpose or color in my life, mine went with hers… I relate to you both, I barely slept and eated, lost 20 pounds, I have nothing to go on…

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      • IsabelleS  December 14, 2020 at 11:57 am

        Gonzalo, I’m truly so sorry for your loss. It is so normal to feel as though you died alongside your loved one. I recommend you seek out the support of a counselor or therapist trained in grief, which you can find here: https://grief.com/grief-counselor-directory/ I hope this website/community shows you that–no matter what–you’re not alone.

  30. Chelle  August 26, 2020 at 12:56 am Reply

    My son who’s almost six lost his father on 4th of July we were not together but this has completely messed me up I’m so lost our poor boy is lost were struggling with life

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    • Kelly Tollefson  September 1, 2020 at 2:32 pm Reply

      My kids lost their dad August 14th. They are 7 and 9. We were divorced too, but I still knew him for almost 20 years and we were together for 14 years so I’m grieving as well as my children. I feel like it’s a bad dream. It hasn’t solidified that he’s gone. I keep thinking he’s going to call or text soon, he’s just in the hospital sick, but he’ll call soon. Almost a dream like state. It’s a difficult process and difficult in creating a new normal.

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  31. Emerald  August 22, 2020 at 12:28 am Reply

    Hi i just recently lost my mum my rock my everything!!! It pains me to come into this house that we live in as i was looking after her, my heart hurts so much as i was the one who seen her take her last breath that will always stay with me forever, i dont even wanna be in this world anymore. I just cant believe shes gone and it break my heart so much

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    • Joy Postle  March 10, 2021 at 11:17 pm Reply

      I have just recently lost my mum, she was my life, my everything, I was with mum when she took her last breath. It was so heartbreaking I know exactly how you feel, I don’t want to be in this world anymore either. My life is nothing without my mum. I’m so lost without her.

  32. Joseph Wang  August 12, 2020 at 11:51 pm Reply

    My mom died of breast cancer about 3 weeks ago, and I don’t know what to do.
    She had surgery in 2014, survived the chemo once, so I thought she would survive this one too. I got up early to the hospital to fetch some painkillers for her, we talked through the phone while I was in the subway. About 2 hours later I got home, only to find her dead. The doctors told me that she died hours ago before I got home.
    We moved out of hometown about 3 years ago, so my colleagues and old roommates in college helped me with the funeral. I cried and cried and cried, until I couldn’t anymore.
    I stopped eating or sleeping for a few days, then I got a little better. I couldn’t help but wondering if I had stayed at home, she might still be alive. I need to work to live my life, or what’s left of it, but I just can’t stop thinking of her. My mom, my poor mom who died at 54. She gave me my life yet I can’t keep hers.
    I want her back, I wanted her back so bad that I considered suicide. But my sences came to me and I gave up that thought. Now I just want this agony I keep feeling fades away, I just can’t bear it anymore.

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    • Rhona  September 19, 2020 at 3:28 pm Reply

      Hey Joseph I’m so so sorry to hear what you’re going through. I’ve also just lost my mum and I’m seriously struggling to cope.. Suicide is often on my mind. If you want someone to talk to let me know

      • IsabelleS  October 11, 2020 at 2:30 pm

        Rhona, I am so very sorry for your loss and for this pain you are feeling. If you are thinking of hurting yourself, or even if you just need someone to talk with, please call the National Suicide Helpline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit their website where you can do a live online chat https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

  33. Brayden Pfeiler  August 4, 2020 at 2:18 am Reply

    My father passed away when I was 11 in a car accident. I woke up that morning getting ready for school and was told what happened. I was destroyed. I didn’t get to see my dad that much because my parents were divorced. It was never a dull moment with my dad and love every time I was able to see him or when my mom let me. It was hard to believe that he was gone and I find myself looking back at all of the pictures and memories and it’s so hard. Now I’m 21 and 11 years later and it still seems to haunt me and effect my life. I notice myself not acting like I used to when I was a child, happy and go lucky. Now it seems to affect my work and my relationship. I find my self more bitter and not treating my girlfriend like I should be in a three year relationship that seems to be now barely holding on because of the way I have been. I feel like I’m going crazy because I can’t seem to figure out why am I so bitter and not that happy, but it all seems to lead back to his passing, I just don’t know what to do. I don’t know if it’s just me or because I’m still trying to get passed it. I feel like a monster for the things it say and do which I could never see the old me doing. My dad would be disappointed. I need figure this out.

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    • Litsa  August 4, 2020 at 4:56 pm Reply

      Brayden – I am so sorry for your dad’s death. Grief stays with us forever, but we slowly learn to manage it with time. Did you ever talk to a counselor or therapist after your dad died? Having such an unexpected loss so young is very hard for a brain to process! Many kids who lose someone around that age then end up “regrieving” the loss at each new developmental stage, and then you hit adulthood and you’re still sorting it out. Even if you talked to a therapist before, it might be helpful to do it again now that you are a different point in your life. They could likely help you with some of these complex feelings, but also to manage some of the ways it is coming out in your life and your relationship. I know you say your dad would be disappointed. And I didn’t know your dad. But my guess is that your dad would understand that you went through something devastating, something most people don’t have to go through, and you’re here – looking to work on things. I don’t image that would be disappointing to him at all.

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  34. Sue  August 2, 2020 at 6:55 pm Reply

    My Mom passed away, 3 days ago. She was not…84…but when I heard the news…I have cried non stop…everyday. I am divorced, I live alone, and I am afraid to come in to my own house…because I fall to pieces thinking of her.
    I want her back, I want to hear her voice.
    Will I really get over this grief…it’s awful. I am 57 years ago. It’s the worse feeling I have had in my life. I feel like I want to be dead at times so I don’t have to think about her anymore…

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    • esther  August 22, 2020 at 1:00 am Reply

      I don’t think you should consider killing yourself because I also lost my mom at 11 years old and now I’m 16 years old and till this day I ask myself If I ever killed myself would my mother be happy with me thinking she left me in this world not by her choice but now that she has been taken she would want me to have a better future for myself and to become successful so even though your mother is dead think of how happy she would be if you are happy and living an exciting day.

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      • RA  September 9, 2020 at 9:54 pm

        You are very mature. God bless you and give you all the happiness.

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    • Eleanor Haley  August 24, 2020 at 12:05 pm Reply

      Sue, my heart goes out to you. I’m so sorry for the pain you’re experiencing.

      Though we don’t really get “over” grief, it DOES get easier. Please know that, in time, you should be able to think of her without such intense emotion. Hopefully, as the intensity lessens, there will be more space for remembering warm memories of her and finding ways to stay connected with her though she’s physically gone.

      I realize you weren’t necessarily saying that you were considering hurting yourself, but for anyone reading this I’d just like to take a moment to remind people that there is hope out there. And if anyone reading this is thinking of harming themselves, we urge them to please get support right away.

      The dark days of grief sometimes feel like a permanent state, but it’s not. Finding ways to cope – perhaps by getting connected with a group or therapist or exploring other outlets – can help people get through each day, one by one, until things start feeling a little more manageable.

      If anyone is thinking of harming themselves, please call 911, go to your local ER, or call the suicide prevention hotline at 1-800-273-8255.

      Even if a person ISN’T actively thinking of hurting themselves, the hotline number is for preventions so it’s a place where you can talk with someone any time, just when you need someone to talk to. Any of those resources can also help you get connected with a therapist if you aren’t already.

      Those who have health insurance can call the number on their insurance card for more information. You can also find a listing of grief therapists specifically on grief.com.

      Please take care and we hope you find some support through our articles and the comments here.

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  35. Cassie  July 24, 2020 at 3:11 am Reply

    I lost my husband in June, we have the funeral this Monday. It’s 5 weeks today since he died. We are both 28, he died 2 days short of his 29th birthday.

    It was all so sudden, he was in a cycling accident, spent a week in hospital and then died.

    We was together 8 years, everything feels pointless now and I’m scared that because I’m so young I will forget him. We don’t have any children together and it feels like I have to stay here for everybody else.

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    • Susan  August 30, 2020 at 8:51 pm Reply

      So Sorry Cassie.

      I have had some of the same fears of not remembering certain things about my mother which sounds ridiculous but it’s still a real fear. I have found that journaling every thought and memory and feeling at that time down right now while it’s still fresh in your mind really really helps. Plus it takes a burden off of you feeling like you’re trying to remember everything. You can always look back at your journal and relive those moments. I’m definitely not an expert as I am going to the same thing but I’ve had the same fears as I’ve said and I try to document good days bad days and just random memories I am afraid I’ll forget. I’m so sorry for your loss

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    • Valarie  August 31, 2020 at 2:32 am Reply

      Dear Cassie, my heart aches for you. My husband, my everything, passed away about a week after your husband at the young age of 55 years old. He was diagnosed with Stage IV cancer in April and also had liver disease. He passed about 10 weeks after his diagnosis. I’m am young as well at 47yrs however older than you. Everyday is a gut wrenching battle with numbness, shock and sadness. We do have children, no biologic together, but my two girls with whom he has raised with me since they were 8 and 12 yrs of age. I am now expecting my first grandchild by my youngest who is 25yrs and it kills me knowing he will never get to meet him. I am truly experiencing the ‘circle of life’. A part of me wants to ‘give up’, however, I remember that one of the reasons my husband loved and adored me so much is for my strength. We faced many of life’s adversities together and shared in so many of life’s amazing gifts. I saw him fight so hard to live with strength, determination and all the while being kind to all of the providers/MDs/nurses/techs caring for him. Even when he felt awful with chemo, side effects, failing health…etc…He was even ordering things on Amazon for our truck in anticipation of our upgrading our old camp trailer to a bigger and ‘better’ one for new adventures the night before he was taken by ambulance to the hospital in which he never returned. Although I always knew he loved me dearly, more than anything and he told me over and over during our almost 18 years together, in his last few months he showed me an even ‘Greater Love’. He would give me ‘gifts’ such as saying things I had never heard him say before like ” You are the best thing that ever happened to me”. He rushed thru the front door one day after going to the store shortly after his diagnosis and grabbed me tight and said, ” I just want to spend all my time with you, a long time, for the rest of my life.” So many things. It fills me with love and tears me up at the same time when I think of these things. He spent 7 days in the ICU on life support. I had to make the decision to remove the support. I was the one he depended upon me for strength. I had to do this last, heart tearing, ever life changing thing for him. Even before he passed with me cradling his head and prior to his diagnosis, as I knew he was very sick, I made up my mind that if he did die, I would do my best to stay. I came to this decision as I know he would want to see me (I still feel him here with me) still being strong, laughing like we Always did, loving our kids and dogs, talking about our love story and adventures. I have chosen to honor him in my living, even though sometimes I have moments of ‘throwing in the towel’. I do this because he is watching and I want to continue to make him smile, make him proud. I have decided to ‘finish’ all of the rest of the things we started, planned and talked about but did not ‘get to’. An old ‘side table’ we were refinishing, re-doing our upstairs living room for an artist/painting area for me/ relaxing ‘TV room’ for him, our vacation to Cost Rica, and visiting Sitka, Alaska where he was raised and told so many, many awesome stories of adventures of his life there. He always wanted and talked about taking me there…. I am starting with that. I am leaving for WA in 3 days to visit his folks/brother and to give them necklaces/pendants I had made with his fingerprint on them and had inscribed. I am also giving them a ‘life stone’ which is what I had his cremated remains formed in to. They are now little stones/rocks you can place in your garden or wherever you wish. I will be making a special place for some of them in my garden so I can visit with him anytime I wish. I love to garden and my husband always loved that of me as well. He loved spending time with me in our backyard and he was proud of all my flowers, vines, etc.. proud of me. I will spend time with his family crying, laughing, cooking, loving, sharing memories. He loves how I love his family and how his family loves me. Then, after a four day visit I am off to Sitka, AK to see all he brought to life for me in his stories/recollections. I do have some of his ‘ashes’ which I will be taking to Sitka to release. I will also bring some with me on my trip to Costa Rica. I have also gotten a small tattoo near my heart to show my love for him and it contains some of his ashes mixed in the ink. Even though I fight everyday just to breathe sometimes, I want to honor him, continue to make him proud of me, make him smile and continue to show my Great Love for him by honoring him and not giving up. He never gave up, even in the darkest of his days. I thought I would find strength in the battle for his life from others, but I actually found strength thru him and how he Lived those days. I want to keep him smiling at me, keep his Love and Adventures alive. Hang On. Sending Love.

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  36. Sam  April 15, 2020 at 12:38 am Reply

    I lost my Mother in March. Everyday since has been hard.
    It was my first loss of a Loved one and will likely be my most painful. I am still navigating life without her and It seems to get harder everyday. I feel like I have entered a new club. The I lost my Mom club, that I never wanted to be apart of but can never get out of. My heart breaks for everyone experiencing loss in a whole new way than I ever understood before. When my tulips start to bloom in the spring I will smile and remember that you told me I’d be sitting here watching them bloom for the first time without you but that I would still see the beauty in the memory each and every time. Love you Mom.

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  37. Sandra Trent  April 3, 2020 at 3:21 pm Reply

    I experienced many of the things mentioned in the article and sometimes still do. My husband of 39 years died in his sleep in February. I had a five-week headache. I became fearful, crippled with guilt sick-feeling and sluggish, which was uncharacteristic, as I’m usually a ball of energy. I grew to understand why the Victorians mandated a year of mourning.
    I’ve yet to recapture the joy with which I used to greet each new day, but the bad days are becoming fewer. I now can look at a fiery sunset and marvel at its beauty again, smile at a dog’s antics, feel soothed by stroking the fur of a calico cat.
    The Coronavirus closed my part-time job at a non-profit. I’m social-distancing, seeing only my neighbors, who are being careful, too. I’m worried about the world in general and loved ones specifically that are in the medical field. And I’m sad for everyone who is mourning so deeply.
    Thank you for your article. It was passed along by a friend and very timely.

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    • Michelle is  July 20, 2020 at 3:58 pm Reply

      Dear friend, I lost my mom July 27th 2018 and my life has never been the same since.she was my best friend I could tell her anything,even though I knew she would get upset I knew she was there for me always.i the days gets easier to make it through but you still have that feeling like you just want to pick up the phone and call her. My dad really didn’t feel the same pain because he had dementia, and I also took care of him full time and working as well. I had three helpers in my family my two aunts and my boyfriend of 10 years. My father passed is January 20th 2020, has heart just stopped the paramedics revived him for one hour until I could get to the hospital to see him so I was able to say goodbye while he was alive. That was a blessing.then my aunt one of the caregivers passed away in March she had kidney failure but she wasn’t someone good health otherwise. That was tough to because she helped with my father and she also babysit my three grown kids when I worked back in the 90s. My last heartbreak was on April 17th when my boyfriend of 10 years passed of liver failure. She always helps me with my father my parents, it was such a heartbreak. You are never prepared for anyone to leave you. My days are so hard,I pray constantly and have to stay positive. it can be tough. Each day I have to just try to make it the best I can I’m on my own now. once it’s trouble quotes within the other sister and brother I don’t talk to you because of my father died they wanted me to sell everything right away and I can’t do it. His home was old but it was his legacy and he left it to me, so I want to enjoy it and fixing it up for my children and a place for us all to all be together maybe in the holidays. God bless you my friend stay strong know that they’re in a better place, it’s hard to say that but they really are. Keep loving mom she’s an angel watching over you.

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  38. Andy  March 30, 2020 at 5:09 am Reply

    I feel for everyone here….in a short space of time my Dad, then my Mum Xmas 2018…both of these were so hard, we were so close…and then Xmas 2019 completely out of the blue my wife…I would never kill myself, but I think about it all the time.

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    • Daisy  April 11, 2020 at 12:20 pm Reply

      Hi Andy, I also lost my Mum & Dad in quick succession. You also lost your wife, I’m so sorry. It’s hard to make out the shape of life after so much loss . I really feel for you, wish I could give your hand a squeeze & make you a cup of tea with love & care. No words really help I know & everyone’s experiences are unique .

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    • Tash  July 16, 2020 at 2:56 am Reply

      I’m so sorry to hear about that. Losing your parents then your wife the following year. In circumstances like this we who are grieving together need to support one another. Maybe you should consider joining a support group? Life is so unfair. I lost my fiancé of 12 years being together in a tragic freak accident.

  39. Faree  March 19, 2020 at 3:04 am Reply

    I lost my mom just over a month ago. I’m 26. She was in her 50s. It was sudden. Lost her in her sleep. She is the only person I know who loves me unconditionally and now she’s gone. I don’t have any will to live my life anymore and it’s only getting harder and harder to survive without her. Not a day goes by when I don’t think about joining her in spirits. Everything seems meaningless without her. She was perfect.

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  40. Joey  February 26, 2020 at 3:38 pm Reply

    Im so sorry for all that are greiving on This site . I am writing on it myself because my 58 year old dad passed away after a fall 5 years ago . My aunt passed from Parkinson’s disease almost 4 years ago . Big brother ( 31 years ) died 2 years ago & my sweet sweet 53 year old mom passed a year ago next month from pancreatic cancer .
    I have one sister left but she lives thousands of miles away . I miss them all so much , esp my mom . She was my world & helped to cope after the other loses . God love her , she lost her son , my big brother , yet pulled me out of depression many times when I know she was struggling with the loss of her child . Seeing her so sick before she passed made me sick to my stomach, literally ! I never thought I’d feel like an orphan and so lonely because all but myself & my sister has passed away & her being so far away, I am alone & feel so lost . I have God , but sometimes I need some flesh to see and talk to about my dispair . I have faith in God . I do . It’s just hard to understand why they all had to die so soon .
    I feel like a part of me has died when my mom passed .
    I will keep praying that God lifts my spirits. I feel so sick from anxiety of being alone every day . Too sick to do much more than shower & keep my house clean . I pray I can get some sort of joy back because in my eyes , this isn’t living . It’s existing. It’s horrible how nerves and anxiety can make you feel so sick . Thanks for listening everyone .
    I hope all of us can enjoy some time before it’s our turn to go to heaven . Bless you all .

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    • Michelle  July 20, 2020 at 4:12 pm Reply

      Dear Joey I know exactly how you feel. Loss is so hard it feels like you just existing I know this, that’s how I feel at times. Grief is something that we all have to process so differently, I work to try to keep myself sane,if I stay and just sit around it’s just too hard I cry all the time and I get anxiety as well. I lost my mother July 27th 2018 she had a great life she was 81. She passed from pneumonia. I could tell her anything she was my best friend. So I know how it feels the way you feel right now. You have to try to push yourself to be happy find some joyous time in your life you had with your family and keep thinking about that. It was a memory that made for a purpose with you, so you could look back on it. My father passed on January 20th 2020, he had dementia and I cared for him,it was functional dementia so he could like still get a walk around take walks with me and feed himself and shower. His heart stopped and the paramedics revived him for one hour and I was able to see him before he died and pray over him. Then my aunt died in March, she was one of the caregivers that helped with my father during the daytime when I worked, she had kidney failure, she was 68. My last blow and the my best friend who was my partner for 10 years, we were not married but almost could have been considered, he was such a blessing he adjusted his schedule to watch my father’s while while I worked in the day. He died of liver disease on April 17th 2020. Talk about a rough year. But I know somehow there are watching over me.each day is hard I wake up just like you said take a shower don’t feel like doing much but I had to force myself. I have my bills that I have to pay I’m by myself now. I am renting a room out of my house to a very close friend, so that I am not alone. It is scary, I should have more faith knowing how close I am to God but it’s still scary for me so I totally understand how you feel. I’m close to one of my sisters in Colorado. But my other sister and brother we don’t get along much, three weeks after my father passed they wanted me to sell the house so they could get some money. My dad’s house was old but it was his legacy, he left it to me so I’m fixing it up trying to keep it clean and hold on to some memories. I have three grown children who call me daily which helps, they all live in different places so it’s very hard to see them especially with this pandemic. My prayers are with you Joey, I am really glad I came along this website. know that you are a blessing and that somehow in this crazy world God leaves us here for a reason so you have to stay strong I know you are not alone. You will be in my prayers God bless you from Michelle???

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  41. Molly K Hyatt  January 28, 2020 at 6:28 pm Reply

    My son, 39, died 7 months ago. I divorced his father when he was 3 and he only saw him 3 other times. He didn’t have time for his child. It has always been just the two of us. He had a minor back surgery and two days later stood up and fell over dead from a pulmonary embolism. He had moved 500 miles away eight years ago. We were so close. I lived my life for him – wanting him to have a better life than me. We had so many adventures. He made me strong. Courageous. I protected him but I let him spread his wings. I’ve had many losses in my life. But this one … this one has shattered my whole life. I wasn’t there when he had his surgery – he said he’d be ok. That he had help. I am also the sole caregiver to my parents (my father died Oct 2018) and I care for my mother who is blind, hard of hearing and in a wheelchair. I have asked my sisters to watch my parents the last 4 years so I could have time to visit my son – but they wouldn’t. They’re older and retired but no one would give me a break. They all said – you’ll have plenty of time after my parents die … then I can have time w/my Son. I will never that any more time w/him. My heart is so broken. To the depth of my soul. How can I be happy when everyone in my life is so selfish and uncaring. Their children are married and they have grandchildren and are still married to their first husbands. My son never married, I have no daughter-in-law and no grandchildren. I never will. When my one sister said … “It is what it is” I was so disgusted and hurt. Then I got a gift from the funeral director and my other sister said “I wanted to do something nice for you but I didn’t know what so pretend that gift was from me!” What is wrong with people?

    I’ve tried counseling but it sucked. I did a grief class it was good – but it went too fast (13 weeks). You don’t get over grief in 13 weeks and your world keeps changing.

    My mother and sister’s think I should be getting over it. Get over it??? Really? I say … I will NEVER get over it. They have no compassion or sympathy. I feel stuck.

    Please pray for me. Thank you for letting me share.

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    • CLAUDIA  January 29, 2020 at 7:10 am Reply

      Dear Molly,
      I lost my son, my only child 18 months ago, also at age 39. He, like your son, never married or had children. I was divorced when he was 4 years old, so it was always me and him. I miss him desperately. Stay strong.

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    • Rebecca  April 12, 2020 at 3:55 am Reply

      Hi , I’m so sorry for your loss. It is absolutely heart wrenching to lose someone so close. Sometimes grief , in my case, helped me reevaluate the people in my life. It was a positive step to stop following the majority of my friends family on social media. I had a break. I continue to do so . I don’t and I didn’t want to hear about how good or how bad their lives were. I have judged people who weren’t there for me or who said some really insensitive shit . I have categorised them as such in my life and distances accordingly. I no longer feel the pressure to keep a faux friendship
      With people
      I would never call up, I never see, who never call, just to wish a happy birthday every Emirates on social media. I feel completely isolated although I have good friends and family. I sink in my own sadness at anything . I’m not suicidal I’m just incredibly heartbroken. I can’t see that changing even as I change daily and am functioning to the outside world. Life had changed irrevocably for me. I carry grief with me. It’s my invisible tattoo. I feel pain hearing about how my friends have spent time with their parents ( I lost my dad) and I horrifically wait for their parents to die . I don’t want them to die I don’t want my friends to suffer , but grief often feels like a club and I wouldn’t mind some close friends to join it with me. Awful person . I like the scene in the Ricky gervais tv series about grief when he is chatting to the woman at the cemetery. They have both lost their partners And he is moaning or what not and she just says it’s not about you is it? This is what I heard maybe not the actual words. You might feel like shit but you can make other people feel better . You can forget about feeling better and focus on making other people feel better that’s what you can do. Not about grief but just generally in life. What can you do to make other people’s days better? Do it for them. Why? Because everyone has got some kind of shit going on . Apologies for the rambling. Much love to you. Xx

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    • TheGhostofBelleStarr  July 18, 2020 at 4:27 pm Reply

      I’m so sorry you lost your son. I can’t imagine your pain as I have no children. I can sympathize with how cold people can be though. In a 4 year span I lost my best friend, she was killed by a drunk driver, then a year later my only sibling my sister died of an aggressive cancer, then 14 months later my husband died. Several months after my husband died I went over a friend’s house for coffee, I was a bit down in the dumps. She knew I had all these losses. She said, ” what’s wrong with you today ?” I said, ” I think I’m a bit depressed “…. she said to me, ” what have you got to be depressed about ? !” Seriously? Some friend huh. I cut off our ” friendship ” a few months later.

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    • Helen Anderson  July 21, 2020 at 1:04 pm Reply

      My story is the reverse of yours. I was mams best friend, i have no family. She lived for me and i her. She died and despite friends thinking i should be ok now i will never get over it. She died of covid in a home and all i could do was peer in the window. Nobody understands the guilt

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  42. Lost  January 8, 2020 at 10:12 pm Reply

    I lost my Dad in August of 2018. He was my Person. ❤️ He was diagnosed with Mesothelioma in Late August Early Sept of 2017. Stage 1. I knew it was a death sentence and so did he. But we still held out hope. My Mom had been battling Stage 3 COPD and had just started having some congestive heart failure as well, a few months before his diagnosis. Her fate was grim, she knew that. Instead of trying to do her best, take her meds, and stay healthy, she fought him and me tooth and nail. Hell bent to do what SHE wanted to do. With his new Diagnosis, I had my hands full. I told him he COULD NOT DIE ON ME. ? My Mom had always given me such a hard time. My adult life was no different. I didn’t want him to pass and me to have to care for her when she didn’t act like she cared at all about anything anyone ever did for her. She was emotionally abusive as a child, she attempted to be as an Adult, but I let her know her words no longer had the power they once did. She did not like that. Dad passed. I had the task of caring for a Mom that never really cared for me. I have two brothers and they hung the moon. But not me. I cared for her every day, feeding her, bringing her dinner, cleaning her house, taking her to appointments, trying to keep her as healthy as I could. I still worked full time, 45-50 hours a week. About two months before she died, she started apologizing, acting remorseful. I think she was. I know she loved me, even though she never showed it or said it when I was a child. Mom lasted 15 months after Dad died. I’m so sad, mad, confused, irritated, guilty feeling, and my faith has definitely been questioned. I’m 39 years old. I’ve the two most important people in my life. Sometimes it hits me so hard I can’t breath. Others, I’m so mad, I want to hit something. How long do I have to feel this way?

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    • Julie Rocco  January 8, 2020 at 11:19 pm Reply

      I lost my Dad 10/7/17 & Mom 1/7/18 … 3 months to the day apart. I am still mourning hard. I am SO angry … so, so, so angry. I have no help to offer but just know you’re not alone. ?

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    • Raechel Taylor  January 20, 2020 at 3:28 am Reply

      I wanted to take the time to tell you that i read your story and I am so sorry for all of the losses you have gone through. I hope the weeks and months since then have brought you more peace. I also have a mother who sounds very similar to yours and my brother and I had to make a very difficult decision to cut our relationship with her way back to pretty much acknowledging her birthday and that’s it. She too has a cancer diagnosis that’s grim and she may be has five years tops. I really feel you’re a pain and I’m sending you hugs! -Raechel

    • Helen Anderson  July 21, 2020 at 12:59 pm Reply

      I lost my mam in April. I was her carer and best friend. I feel so lost and lonely. I enjoyed a nice natter about my day etc and trips out to parks with her. Some days im fine then it sounds mad but i realise shes not coming back. I talk to her ashes in the garden and am afraid neighbours will see me. People don’t mean to be unkind but say stupid things like oh well she was a good age

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  43. Randall Webber  January 6, 2020 at 5:28 pm Reply

    My psychiatrist died suddenly 18 months ago. He was my doctor for 47 years and got me through every crisis you can imagine. I loved him (I know this is classic transference) and i miss him so much. I haven’t been able to find another doctor like him, or even close. Sometimes I miss him so much that I cry.

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  44. Ladley  November 7, 2019 at 5:31 pm Reply

    Just over two months ago, my sister took her own life. No one saw it coming. She hid the darkness that plagued her mind in her journals and behind making others laugh. Few knew that she was emotionally and mentally abused throughout her childhood. I think the hardest parts of losing her is that I know that my mother was a huge part of her suffering. No matter how hard I tried to speak the truth into my sister’s life about Jesus’ deep forgiving-love for her, she only could hear the words in her head that she was unworthy. I tried to share with her that He was willing to enter this world and die for the worst of the worst of the things we have done wrong just so we can know Him and how much He loves us….still, the words of shame marked my sister’s mind deeply. She believed that she was unredeemable. It didn’t help that she began to hear other voices telling her to kill herself, and there were also nightmares that plagued her sleep. She experienced trauma throughout her childhood, even from the time of her first steps. I will forever miss her. She only made it to 14 years.

    I think the hardest part of grieving for my sister is that I was fighting so hard to help her get through the trauma that she had experienced with my mom. Now that she is gone, the hope that I have (had) for her is the hardest thing to let go of. I thought she was the strongest of us siblings. I thought she was going to make it through the next few years and come out stronger. I was constantly thinking of her and reaching out to her to try and let her know how much I love her and care for her. She was finally living at her dad and stepmom’s house this past year and a half, and we all thought she was in a place of healing from the trauma and emotional manipulation and abuse. I didn’t realize how much of the abuse had followed her and was torturing her to death.

    The next hardest part that I grapple with is wondering why in the world did God allow my brother and I to make it out of the abusive childhood ok and not her. The only thing that I do know is that I wouldn’t be who I am today or where I am today or at peace with myself and God had Jesus not shown up in my life and gently shown me how much I needed Him and how much He loves me. I have never been the same since that moment. That was 16 years ago.

    Grief just feels so complicated. And it is in that which makes me feel like I am losing my brain.

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  45. Nana Asare  November 6, 2019 at 3:38 pm Reply

    It is going on 11 months since my mom died of breast cancer. I was fortunate to mistakenly be at the hospital when she passed – though losing her is very tough. It’s comforting reading all of these messages, because even though my brother (who is my best friend) lost the same mom, I feel desolate and so so so alone. I feel like I am bitching or complaining when I vent about my sadness. That I shouldn’t be sad anymore. Or that it’s time to get over all of this. But all of this is so so so tough. I don’t know who I am anymore. I don’t have the same interest anymore. I have way more responsibilities now at the age of 28. I am taking care of family members in Africa and here. I have to make so many decisions. And in all of this, I feel like a little boy who lost his mom in the store and afraid as hell.

    Someone stated my mood perfectly. I feel “anxious, irritable, and sad” most of the time. The job that brought me joy has turned into something I loathe. The things I did for fun now feel annoying. I am struggling, and though different on each day, the waves that the grief ride on seem to crash into me everyday.

    I have decided that suicide is not an option anymore. So I work every day to be better. I do have good days. Actually many good days. Though, in the past year. I mostly have had very rough days. Days that seem so bleak and dark, that even a black hole is a more effervescent. I have a therapist, and she is great. But I still struggle.

    It feels as if this is something I won’t be able to ever get over. And maybe it’s beyond that. Maybe it’s finding ways to deal and manage, moreover than getting over.

    IDK why I am writing all this. But I feel seen. I feel seen by all of you. And I appreciate your candor and vulnerability.

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    • Carol Simpson  December 6, 2019 at 6:23 am Reply

      Thank you for sharing. I found it hard to express. But you said it well, I feel HEARD! When my husband died this January 2019, it feels like he took everyone with him. My family and his.

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  46. Jackie  September 24, 2019 at 3:43 pm Reply

    My mum suddenly age 70 in the USA last year. I loved her but we weren’t close. I tired to tell her when I was ten years old I was being beaten and sexually abused by my stepfather and brother but she said I was a liar and to be good. She didn’t understand, I don’t think she could. She kept me from knowing about mensuration as well as anything to do with babies. Yet from age 10 I was pursued by my older brother, what he could not do himself he had his mates do for him. I was terrified, life was cruel and I didn’t understand what I’d done wrong to deserve all this. At age 16, I fell pregnant I didn’t know anything of course. Much less that the thing I was doing would make a baby. I didn’t know I could do that! I wasn’t stupid, but I was prevent from having friends who might have told me such things. My mother forbade such talk as it was dirty. I was alone and naturally it felt lovely having someone who heard me and thought I was special. I became sick one morning after breakfast at my grandmothers house and she quickly Within a few days shipped me off to my aunties who I adored. I was delighted to go and of course trusted them implicitly. Together, they arranged an abortion for me. I didn’t know what was happening when my auntie took me to hospital, I thought it was just what you did. it was 1976, and girls weren’t counselled like they are now. They proceeded with everything and I just did what I was told. When I found out that they were going to kill my baby I screamed, cried and was utterly betrayed. I said “I didn’t know! Please don’t kill him!’ It was too late and the nurse held my hand. I’ve never forgotten that day, and shall take that pain to my grave. Why did she do this? Her reasoning was this, because her Christian friends at her church would not have understood why her daughter was pregnant. I was given no choice because she was ashamed. During childhood I suffered abuse from my stepfather, who beat and tormented me. She lied and told me he was my real father. It was at 16 she told me the truth! I had been adopted by this man who hurt me everyday if my childhood! Honestly, that year was utterly horrible. I lost who I was, and my first child al, from Luke’s my mother told! How could I love her? But I did, I still do. I loved her very much. I wanted her to love me and be proud of me. Never an encouraging word came my way. She adored my younger sister. Lavished love on her and my other three siblings, they could do no wrong. She even went to live with my sister when her third husband died. In 2018, my mother died suddenly. Her heart was never strong, and she’d been sent home after one of her many operations. I was never told she’d been unwell. Everyone else in the family knew, just not me. Three days after my 58th birthday, and three days before her birthday she collapsed on the floor in the kitchen. My mother was dead. Part of me was numb, part of me was glad she was gone. Nothing I did pleased her. In 2010, I sold my home to pay for building a hospital in Nepal. I wanted to do something lovely before I was too old and frail. You see I have fibromyalgia, M.E., degenerative disease and anxiety. I’ve always worked from age 18, raising my own family as best I could. So I wanted to help others. Everyone said I’d fail, but Six years later it is still running saving lives. I did it on my own, no one would help me. My family didn’t encourage me. My friend in Nepal who lived in the village acted as liaison but it was just us. Governmental help never came. Yes’m we had amazing volunteers who would come now and then but it was always down to me to provide money. I supported them until there was nothing left. Finally, I had to go back to work. I needed to feed myself and put a roof over my head. I was getting older and needed stability. I was happy to do what I did, my mother never once said she was proud of me. She would send the odd card on my birthday nothing more. Yet, I miss her terribly. I love her utterly and weep for the love she missed. No matter where I was I tried to remember her birthday and mother’s day. I sent her flowers often, so for her funeral I bought the biggest spray I could afford and fussed over it’s arrival from the UK to the USA. It was as large as a door, I haven’t realised from the photo! It was so beautiful. Why, is all I can ask. Why couldn’t she tell me just one time she was proud of what I did? Why could she not say that in her eyes I was a good decent person? That she felt joy because I was her oldest daughter? This year I am Taking a river cruise. Ive saved three years for it. My sister finally a year later thought to send me some of my mothers ashes. I couldn’t attend the funeral because there was no room for me. There was room for everyone else just not me. I was utterly heartbroken. I cried alone in my wee bedsit, I watched on video my older brother make a big speech, followed by otters. I alone was not there! . I have nothing of my mothers things and begged my sister to send something. Just something that smelled like my mothers cover girl face powder or her perfume, anything. Nothing came for a year. Meanwhile I struggled with the grief alone. I went to counselling but the young girl I spoke to seemed to not really have much life experience. She was lovely, but clearly out of her depth. I don’t know how to recover from this. Tears simply don’t fix it. So, I will celebrate my 59th birthday, followed three days later wishing my mother knew everything, knew I was telling the truth, and knew that I still loved her.

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  47. Sophie  September 18, 2019 at 2:01 pm Reply

    Yesterday was the 12 year anniversary of my mom’s death. Today I am feeling the grief of each year piled up. I can’t do much else but be alone and cry. When I’m trying to do homework at the library or be around friends, or frankly anyone, I feel terribly irritable, anxious, and sad. Physically, I feel exhausted and nauseous. Thank you so much for writing this- I have been feeling afraid because I’m feeling crazy and dysfunctional. Even though it has been 12 years, every so often these feelings hit me like a train and are so debilitating. I appreciate you taking the time to write this. I’m wondering if there are any ways to cope on days like this? I hope everyone is healing the best they can. Thank you

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  48. John visher  September 7, 2019 at 6:15 pm Reply

    30 years after my baby’s sudden infant death there are triggers that set off greif that is overwhelming and crushing. Great anxieties around my other children’s health and safety come up. It’s exhausting. Thanks for emphasizing the long time horizon that will not ever be reached. Thanks for affirming that greif will be scattered throughout our lives for our entire lives.

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  49. kendra  September 6, 2019 at 3:39 am Reply

    is it normal to feel unworthy of the persons who died love? i’m definitely not depressed i just feel a lot of regret and feel like she loved me too much for how i am as a person.

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  50. Sad Mama  August 31, 2019 at 5:53 pm Reply

    This year a brain tumor was found in my little girls brain. Instead of flying her to a larger hospital, the doctors reassured me that our home hospital was capable of removing her tumor. She is now disabled. I can still hold her and tell her I love her, but the child I had is dead. She just lays in bed all day, some days I can hold her and pretend but then when she is crying and screaming and biting when she is forced to do things she does not want I see the reality. Her face is paralyzed, she cannot wall or do all the things 9 yr old girls should do. I cry through the day, when I’m walking or at the store I can see afterimages of the little girl she used to be walking beside me and it will make me start to cry. God, I miss her so much. It hurts to know life will never be the same, but it hurts even more to know that this little girl who needs me so much could lose her battle to cancer and die an agonizing death from a very aggressive brain tumor. I hate that this is her life. She is my only baby I don’t understand why God is making her suffer.

    I cry so much now I can’t imagine how severe the pain will be if God takes her away. I think about killing myself a lot and that makes me hurt less. I wouldn’t do that if she were alive, but if she goes I think I’d want to check out soon after. I wonder if in heaven she will be the little girl she was and be able to run and play again. I feel crazy and I hate normal kids and being around them and hate everyone with their stupid problems like cheating spouses and hating work. It’s just really put things into perspective. I’m sick of this world of dying babies and pain. I wish there was less hurt for everyone but especially us parents.

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    • Sam  September 3, 2019 at 12:03 pm Reply

      I am sad for you, but God isn’t making her suffer. God is giving you strength to handle the situation.

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    • Natalia  October 28, 2019 at 9:27 am Reply

      I came onto this website because I just lost my mother last week. I feel like my soul is hanging on by a thread. You see to say my mum was my soulmate or best friend is an understatement. I know what loss feels like because I lost my dad 7 yrs ago. It took me a good 5 yrs to start to feel whole again and now my precious mum is gone. The only comfort I have is the knowledge that she wanted to be with dad desperately. She was never the same after dads death.
      Then I read your post and what you and your beautiful girl are enduring and my heart shattered. The sobs became uncontrollable for I only have 1 duaghter. She’s the thread that I hold on to. She is grieving terribly for both her grandmother and me are her world. Now 1 is gone and the other also has a brain tumor stage 4. I taught my daughter that each day we have is precious and to hold on to it for tomorrow is never promised. We had no regrets when my mum closed her eyes for the last time and we are living the same way with my beautiful mother in law now. My mum suffered towards the last months but somehow we always found something beautiful with each day. Something as simple as laying beside her and watching her sleep. I really soaked that in. To burry a parent no matter their age is what is supposed to happen. It’s what nature intended but to see your child suffer and go before you is against every grian nature had provided. I feel so angry for you, my heart is hurting for you and being a mother myself I completely understand that you will go after her because I would want do the same without hesitation. I know nothing can really bring you comfort, especially words, but words are all I have. All I can say is live out your days with you precious daughter without regret. Soak in the smallest details…..remember and keep your past with her in your heart but don’t forget she is still here with you now. Even though she has changed nothing will take the fact that she is your baby and you are her mummy. (Her everything)
      You also have EVERY right to be angry and not a soul on this earth has a right to tell you how you should feel.
      Last but not least – I prayed to my mum and dad to come and watch over you and your daughter. My parents will bring comfort and peace to you both.
      My daughter and I send our love your way ox

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    • Z  November 7, 2019 at 2:21 pm Reply

      You will both reunite with you sweet girl in another life, and you both will be healthy, happy, beautiful and together in a beautiful happy situation.

      Please have faith that this lifetime was hard, but the next one will be amazing…….

      I wish i could hug you both now and tell you that to your eyes, to persuade you to believe me, because its the truth that we die and then are born again, in another body, but the soul is the same, and you and your girl will for sure recognize each other,and the love will be instant and stronger than anything you felt. You will just know.

      Please have faith.

      Find the book: “Only love is real”, dr Weiss.

      I can’t imagine your pain, but please have faith, love yourself and be strong to see other beauty in this life time, …

      I am sending love to both of you and wish you both all the strength you can find and faith

      xxxxx

  51. Susan Anderson  August 26, 2019 at 8:42 am Reply

    135 weeks ago lost my 18 year old son in car accident 2 weeks before commencing college Id spent three months away from my kids with my mu m and brothers caring for my dying dad so missed Adens 18th birthday and his graduation from high school Thought Id have time to make it up to him But two months later he was dead Daughter struggling too Work full time with my fake face on and fall apart every night at home alone Avoid places and people Life is just a series of holding it all in and distaction No real purpose or joy Grief makes me feel selfish because I cant take anyone elses pain Sometimes just listen to clock tic waiting for my life to end no plan just minute by minute existence Horrid Hate he is just pictures and memories

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    • Sam  September 3, 2019 at 12:01 pm Reply

      How did you plan to make missing those milestones up to your son?

    • Als  September 6, 2019 at 2:22 pm Reply

      I’m so so sorry to hear of your loss. One day I hope you will be together with your son in a better place.
      Stay strong.

    • Ronda Kohan  November 7, 2019 at 6:12 pm Reply

      Hi, Susan, I just lost my 28 year old, suddenly on his birthday, we went to wake him up and he was gone, we still dont know what happened, we are still waiting for that info, but I find that I’m either numb and disconnected or crying, i too, thought i had time for lots of things and now I’m really distressed about the things i should have said/ did and mostly why ? I’m still shocked I guess and part of me is waiting for him, the other part of me is so sad, I cant even think about what to do the next minute or the next hour. I’m so sorry for your loss seems so inadequate esp. Since I know how it feels. I cannot recover from this only survive. I have other children that need their mom but I’m different now ,a piece of me is gone forever and this new reality is frightening. Today I didnt cry, yesterday I cried, no doubt I will have many more crying days and many more numb days. I’m not sure what this is supposed to do other than me reaching out for someone who has the same pain in their heart, and perhaps sharing can somehow do some good. God bless you .

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  52. nycgovparks.org  August 19, 2019 at 5:46 am Reply

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  53. Tiffany Harris  August 17, 2019 at 9:54 pm Reply

    My 12 year old died…I was there her last of days, I can’t cope with the intense pain. Everywhere there are children and couples. I have neither…I feel dead.

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  54. Cat  August 13, 2019 at 11:13 pm Reply

    I feel like I’m losing it, and it has been almost 8 months. My mother was diagnosed with brain cancer in early 2017. She was a fighter. I managed to get her to her planned cruise adventure for one day, but she had a seizure on the ship, and was in the hospital with me over seas for three weeks. I was lost, alone, and scared. My father died 6 years prior, and I only have one brother, who I don’t get along with as well. Everyone has left this existence… after her terrible seizure, she was a different person. I had to take care of her on my own for months. I have so many regrets… I didn’t realize what was happening. A few days before Christmas, she I saw her take her last breath. December 22, 2018. I moved in with her earlier that year to take care of her. I was then struggling to take care of her bills, and move out of the house she passed in. It took me 5 months to move out… I found a place, living by myself, and feel so alone. I feel numb every day. I just want myself back, and my life, as everything has drastically changed. I feel completely traumatized, and have no one to discuss this with. I’m not sure what to do anymore. I feel defeated…

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    • Keshew  August 15, 2019 at 11:23 pm Reply

      Hi Cat,

      We do not know each other but maybe can understand each other’s loss more than anyone around us. My mother died of cancer 14 years back when I was 15. Each day without her felt like a battle. My sister and I were angry at our father without reason. Maybe it was the grief surrounding us. However, managed to move on though each day still felt like a struggle. Friends talking about their mothers all the time, being pampered by them all the time, posting about them on mothers day etc..but life has to move on. My sister got married, I got married last year and moved overseas. I used to talk to my father thrice a day and was waiting desperately to visit him. In May this year, he suffered from a brain haemorhage. I flew back but my father had no sense, no movement and the doctors had given up hope. I know he would have left us that day only but he survived as I feel he really wanted me to see him while he was alive. After a month, the doctors discharged him as they said that none of the medicines are working. We brought him home and after 10 days, I had to fly back. I know somewhere in my heart that maybe this is the last time I am seeing him. I also knew that while I am with him, he will never leave this world. After a week, my fathers condition deteriorated rapidly and though maybe he had no sense, but his body was degrading and he was suffering a lot. Within 9 days of my reaching Australia, he left us…and though I flew back agian but could not reach until his cremation.

      Life without parents, losing them at such a young age..feels terrible. It is like a part of me is gone with him. I just dwell in the past that I should have stayed with him after marriage, I should have visited him earlier, I shpuld have brought him with me forcefully..but its useless now. I jst want to forget this part of my life.

      Maybe, the sun will shine again..MAYBE.

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      • Aly  September 6, 2019 at 2:30 pm

        Our stories are so similar. Sometimes I go crazy thinking I’m the only one who is living without her parents as everyone around me seems to have theirs.
        My mum passed away 7 years through a very short unexpected illness. I also moved away with my family leaving behind me Dad. I visited home after his heart surgery but left him as I had to return home. He deteriorated so quickly and passed away after a week. I have so many regrets and wish I’d stayed with him or kept him with us.

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    • Christy  August 23, 2019 at 9:24 pm Reply

      Hi Cat, I myself suffered a difficult loss of my mom to Alzheimers recently in October 2018. Everything you describe as feeling, I also can relate 100% . All the family dynamics (my brother) as well as my father who left her side at the most critical moments of her sickness. If you’d like to speak with someone I do not mind writing to you by email for support to each other. Possibly we could help each other during this time of healing and recovery from the tremendous loss of our beloved mothers. I am here if you need an ear or someone to lean on…

  55. Stephen  July 24, 2019 at 8:13 am Reply

    Words have been failing since the night my ‘bomb went off’. I was in love with someone, adored her but treated her badly. She left, my own doing. By God, this thing has torn me to pieces,I’ve been black, I’ve been numb, void,nothingness,resentment,name it I’ve felt it even paranoid. I had problems before this thing started, life was hard before grief. Grief dug a hole and fucked me into it, I’m scraping back the dirt, handful by handful. I see light but I’m still submerged.
    Love is madness, loss killed me off sooner than any stray bullet.

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  56. Vanessa Rodriguez  June 25, 2019 at 1:09 am Reply

    I just lost my only little boy the son I always wanted and prayed for 2 months ago which I never in my life imagined having to live life without one of my kids and I dont know how to feel sometimes. Morning are the worst for me to have to wake up everyday of my life to not have my little boy running around or telling me he’s hungry sometime. I wish I didnt have to wake up but I get up and I do what I have to do cause I have a 3 year old daughter that tells me mommy you dont have to cry itos ok in heaven with God and he’s in our heart always and forever so I believe that and I also believe my son is still here with us cause there are times i feel ok and can breathe but it helps me to kiss his pillow and pictures every morning and talk with him and at night to. I always have my son on my mind so it helps me when I talk about him but I have nobody to really talk to cause my husband sent are 2 older daughters one is 13 and the other is 11 to stay with my mom for a little so she can do things with them and keep they busy since it’s a little hard for me to be there mommy right now cause I don’t have my son with which they will be all together running around or playing he was only 9yrs old when he passed. He just wanted to go out with his friend and play at the park which has a lake on it. My son and his friends will play there all the time all the kids from the neighborhood will play there. I was just too busy trying to get things ready for his party which was supposed to be the next day but my son never made it back home he and his friend seen a paddle boat just sitting on the water and decided to get in it which my son knew to never play in or near the water but I dont know what made them get in it but long story short they didnt find my baby and the little boy his friend was saved barely but was and it kills me everyday that my son can no longer play and run around but his friend does why couldnt both boys be saved my son was loved cared for there are kids that parents mis treat them. I really dont know what to do, sometime I’m ok and people that see me tell me your so strong I dont know how you do it I dont even know how I do it sometimes but there are time I just want to be with my son but then I think how fare would that be to my 3 girls that are still here I really sometimes dont know what to do I just wish I can have my baby in my arms again and tell him I’m sorry for not saving him I wish I didn’t let him out or wish I wasn’t so busy cooking and getting things ready for his 10th birthday party he will still be here. It’s really hard and the hardest thing is having to continue to be a mother to my girls and he wont be there. I do believe he never left my side but I cant see him or feel him and I’m just dying for the day to come where i can see him hold him kiss him all up and just talk to him. And ask god why my son knowing how much he means to me why? Some people think I’m strong cause I dont show my wackiness but I just believe and have faith that I will be with my baby soon and I also know he’s here close so I just talk to him every day and think of him cause the memories make me happy. Sometimes I cry and breakdown but mostly I feel numb and try not to think of him being gone cause he isn’t I feel he’s still near

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    • Theresa Humphry  July 3, 2019 at 1:50 am Reply

      Oh how I cried when I read this. Your pain reached through the screen and broke my heart. I am crying so hard as I write. How sad for you to lose your son in such a horrible way. Losing a child is hard enough, it just seems an unexpected tragedy is on a different level of loss and pain. I am a stranger to you, but my heart is touched with your pain. God be with you in the moments, days and months and years to come.

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    • Violet Fitzpatrick  July 5, 2019 at 7:16 pm Reply

      I am so glad to have found this website and to read about how others are suffering and dealing with grief. I was thinking about finding a local support group as it really helps me out my grief into perspective when I read what all of you here are going through. I was just balling my eyes out over my 90 year old father who passed away two weeks ago today. He had lived ina nursing home for 2 and a half years, he had mild dementia but had suffered two strokes so his mobility and self care were limited. He died with a urine infection which spread to his kidneys, he was always getting them from his Foley catheter but this time he was generally too weak and debilitated to recover. But after I read about the woman who has lost her son or the woman who lost her 61 year old father unexpectedly and most of all of your experiences, I feel I am lucky to have had my father as long as I did. I think I will go online and search for a local grief support group, I really think that will help me get through these early days and beyond.

    • Traci  August 9, 2019 at 9:05 am Reply

      I’m so so sorry for your loss. I have just lost my son also on the 4th of July, so 5 weeks ago. He was 16 but drowned in a pool only metres from us. We had arrived at our villa in Bali only 20 minutes prior and hadn’t unpacked. While putting our passports into a safe , we think he tried to hold his breath but we found him face down at the bottom of the pool. His father and 15 yr old brother managed to get him out while I tried for 30-40 minutes to revive him before medics arrived. I just actually kept repeating that I didn’t know what to do. I had mentally left my body. If he wasn’t gone before we got him out of the pool he was gone by the time the medics arrived. Our story gets worse from there with how things went but I won’t go into it.
      But I understand how you feel you want to be with your son but can’t as your other children need you.
      I want to hold him, kiss him, feel him, smell him and just the everyday moments have just stopped/ gone.
      I still feel I can’t possibly not have him but yet it’s the truth. It still feels impossible though. So tragic and so accidental and so preventable it’s not right. I blame myself too as a mother we do. Why did I not see him do that? Only a minute or 2 different and we could still have him. It’s so physical, mental, emotional and yet so much more. We all know we love our kids more than life itself but I now know we love them 100 times more than we actually even know.
      I could t see people for the first 4 weeks so isolated myself. Just physically wasn’t able to. Now I go out with my daughter or his father driving and only to places not near to where we live. I still have a lot of anxiety although it’s improving . But the intense grief and isolating, lonely feelings are just so real yet the word around us goes on. I send so much love to you. I and I know now that only a mother who loses a child can understand and not just imagine. And the tragica accident makes it feel so senseless xxxxxx

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    • Natalia  October 28, 2019 at 9:50 am Reply

      Oh my heart genuinely aches for you and your entire family but most of all my heart hurt for your precious son. You are strong because to be a true mother requires an inner strength we didn’t even know we possess until we are faced with heardships and tragedy. You are strong not just for your girls, most of all you are strong because your son needs you to be strong for his sisters. Just remember though grief, numbness, anger, sadness is never a weakness. On the contrary whatever emotion gets you through each day and be the amazing mother that you are is your strength. You are truly amazing ox

  57. Brenda  June 23, 2019 at 10:45 am Reply

    Reading the article and some of the comments have made me feel not so alone, for the first time in months. After an illness, my sister and niece, despite objections from myself and my mom, made the decision to pull the plug and my father passed. This was at the end of April. Since the funeral and even on Mothers Day, I never hear from my adult and almost adult children. It’s hard when I need those the most, and spent my life sacrificing for them – and I get nothing. I’ve even stopped calling and reaching out to them because I’m so disappointed in their lack of caring and support.

  58. Becca  May 13, 2019 at 9:55 pm Reply

    Grief made me see the absurdity and craziness in everybody else. It started when my husband suffered a heart attack and was flown to another hospital 190 miles away where he spent 12 days in ICU attached to tubes and machines before he died. During this time I stayed with my sister and her husband as they lived in this town. My sister seemed to care more about her house than the fact that my husband was at death’s door in the hospital. Before using her bathroom, for example, I was lectured on how to properly use it and care for it. It was the same lecture always repeated by her every time I visited. And if I forgot to do something like hang up a towel properly I was scolded. Never mind that I was a little distracted during this particular visit, being sick with worry and grief that my husband might die. But her husband really took the cake by stating that when he came home after work he liked it quiet, and I was disturbing his peace by being on the phone and talking to people and crying and making a lot of noise. I told him my behavior might have something to do with my husband being near death, but again, in his mind, apparently, what did that have to do with anything? At that moment, I packed up all my stuff, told them I didn’t want either of them come to the hospital and that I’d have them thrown out if they did. I went and got a motel room. I spent one night there. The next day, my husband had an operation in a last-ditch attempt to save his life. Just minutes into the operation, I heard “Medical staff to hybrid OR” over the loudspeaker. I turned to my mother and said, “It’s him”, to which she replied that it could be anybody. I stated again, “No, it’s him. It isn’t anybody but him”. And of course it was – he had died on the operating table. It’s been just 10 months since he died and I haven’t even begun to touch on all the grief and absurdity and craziness I’ve experienced. It’s as if I’m seeing some of the people who were supposed to be closest to me for the first time, and I’m not liking what I see. It’s unbelievable what I’ve been through, and perhaps the most unbelievable thing of all is that people I thought I knew are not who I thought they were at all. I have vowed to write a book about my experience because there has been so much about it that was not typical. And I think writing this book will help me come to terms with everything I’ve had to deal with aside from my husband dying – which you would think would be enough tragedy for a person to bear in and of itself. But there was so much more to endure, as I was to find out through the long months ahead.

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    • Angie  June 6, 2019 at 1:09 am Reply

      Dear Becca
      I am so very sorry for your terrible loss, and on top of that the way your family and people who should have been there for you treated you. So very sad and lonely for you but your words touched me so much and I can really feel for you and send you a huge,warm hug from far away to comfort you a little. God bless dear Becca.xxxxxxxx

    • Amrita  August 7, 2019 at 1:49 pm Reply

      Dear Becca,

      I truly understand your situation.. It’s tragic how people can’t be at side of ours when we need them most..
      I lost my mother in an accident 5 months back ans after initial day visits. I dont see any relative visits at my home, where my father and brother lives. No one bothers.
      No one calls me and ask how we are?
      I guess same is my experience, got to know the reality check, they whom we call our won people, they are actually not.. It’s just we assume.
      Lots of love and healing to u.

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    • Toni  January 14, 2020 at 12:51 pm Reply

      I lost my husband 4 months ago suddenly. We never had children and basically just had each other, we were best friends. One thing we did have was our best friend and my best friend, who I naturally assumed would be there for me. Imagine my depression and sadness when these people just dumped me. The holidays just passed and I spent them alone, my so called best friends never called or even asked what I was going to do. The additional sense of loneliness was very sad and diffficult for me to deal with. This is the hardest journey of my life and I just try to take 1 day at a time.

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  59. KC  April 27, 2019 at 5:16 pm Reply

    I’ve read through most of the comments on this thread and although it ‘comforts’ me in a way, to hear that so many people have gone through excruciating losses in their lives,I feel like it still doesn’t ‘help’. I guess, as one of my friends so not-so-eloquently put it…”welcome to the club that no one wants to be a part of.” I saw a lot of myself in these comments. I lost my dad, my best friend, hero, mentor, business partner…my rock and the best father I could have ever asked for on October 19, 2019 unexpectedly. He went into a routine surgery that had a .1% chance of mortality and something went wrong. He ended up being in surgery for 15 hours (it was supposed to be 5 hours). We sat there the whole time, anxiously awaiting the news from the surgeon. My dad was a fighter – he survived, but barely. He fought for four days after that surgery until he went into cardiac arrest while we were sitting in the waiting room…I can still hear “Code Blue…” and his room number….. I write this with tears running down my face. We were there with him as the brave and courageous ICU nurses fought for his life. My mom held his hand. He was 61.
    Its been just over six months and for me, things have only gotten harder and my grief has only worsened. Its like the first months, you’re completely numb…you still cry but the reality hasn’t set in. Its not until you start to thaw out a bit that the ache hurts more and more. I can’t imagine living the rest of my life never seeing him again, hearing his voice or being able to call him for advice or just to chat. The ache I feel is indescribable and as I now know, you can only truly understand the pain when you lose someone so close that you love so much.
    He’s supposed to be here… We got the call about his surgery on a thursday and he was gone 6 days later.
    I’m not inconsolable all of the time but I cry every day. Sometimes it hits you out of the blue and you feel like someone has sucker punched you and ripped what little is left of your heart out. When I’m alone, I scream. The injustice of it all. My husband and I are just starting to think about having kids (I’m 32) and my heart breaks over and over again thinking about how he’ll never be here to witness his grandchildren come into the world and my goodness… would he have been the most incredible grandfather. Why did this happen? How can he not be here anymore? I replay the moments before his death over and over. I can’t sleep. I miss him so much. There’s a huge hole in my life and I’m having a hard time finding a way back. Nothing will ever be the same and yet somehow the world just keeps going, life moves on and the bereaved are left to pick up the pieces of their broken hearts and make some sense of the tragedy and new life path they’ve been forcibly given.
    Every inch of my being aches for you.
    I miss you so much and love you always and forever, Dad.
    I really hope we will meet again.

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    • Rhonda hardesty  April 28, 2019 at 12:27 am Reply

      I lost my father in August 2018, I totally understand how you feel and can relate so well with what you are feeling. But one other thing that’s even worse is i just lost my mother this year in February. And i am at a total loss. I was my parents care giver for the past 5 years and now they are both gone . It’s just so hard to deal with . I am beyond numb. I feel i am critical at this time in my life. I ask my self everyday why? I feel like I’ve done something wrong and Gods punishing me. I just tried calling the crisis center to talk to someone. But they’re closed unless you’re having thoughts of suicide. So I hung up. I’m just at a loss right now and I know tomorrow is another day and I’ll be ok. But to suppress a my feelings and to keep pushing them down is not helping me. And this article I’ve just read is totally me and how I feel. I just wanted to put that out there. I know I need help or meds but I’ve have always been a loner and to try to find the right people to talk to is hard to do. Because I know . I’ve been to counseling before when I lost my husband to suicide in 2009. I tried a few different councilors but it was short lived. I didn’t feel we were dealing with I needed to deal with at the time. I needed to deal with his loss not go clear back to my childhood or my other past relationships . It just didn’t work for me. So here I am searching for answers. So I’ll keep looking until I’m satisfied .

      • Heidi Grimshaw  June 13, 2019 at 10:07 am

        Hi Rhonda,
        I lost my father 16 July 2018 and recently revisted the hospital where my father died. This happened because my stepdaughter has health issues. During 2 days of being in that hospital with her and my husband, it brought everything flooding back emotionally as if a train hit me from out of nowhere. One week after this event with my stepdaughter, I have not been able to control my emotions. I am crying when I cook, cry when I start talking about anything to anyone, explode into fits of rage when spoken to by my husband, etc. I think you get the drift. I am reaching out to get counselling as my behaviour is making me ill and miserable, and I don’t want to keep having a negative impact on others around me, especially family and close friends.

        After my father’s death and within a four month period, his close friend died, my ex husband died and his father died. At the beginning of all of this our beloved dog Phoebe (age 16) died 5 January 2018.
        I also have a surviving mother 81, and three younger sisters, who are all having grief issues about our father’s death. He died of an aggressive malignant liver tumour. Our father told no one, but we were told by his doctor at the hospital two months before his death. Even then I looked into his eyes and we talked, he wanted to die.
        I found some answers to his depression in googling about the 2nd world war. Particularly about children born and raised during the war years. It was shocking to read about what these children went through during and after the war. I confirmed with my mother that what I read was the truth. It is now clear to me why my father was the type of man he was. Protective, lonely, alcoholic, suffered life long depression but only showed his children courage under any thing that life throws at us. Yes I am sad he is gone, but happy that he no longer suffers.
        I too have trouble trusting people with my emotions, I prefer to be alone in my grief. I have a deep faith in a wonderful God but we still need each other. So I have decided to get professional help and have a few close friends, and a great husband, who are there for support when I need them. Having had counselling 30 years ago because of anorexia and dealing with alcoholism, I too know what you are saying about not going over again about the past, Or even finding a good counsellor.

        I wish you all the best in your journey and hope you get the answers you are looking for.
        From a grieving daughter
        Heidi

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      • Jenn  June 24, 2019 at 9:07 am

        God Is there for you he will never let you down just keep your faith in god sis . You are loved . Praying that your faith is renewed . God bless your heart ♥️

    • Julie  May 27, 2019 at 1:13 am Reply

      I read your post and you have described exactly how I’m feeling too. My dad was my hero and we worked together and was always the best role model I had. We lost him Easter Sunday April21 20-9. He went in for back surgery and did great went to rehab and came home . He was home for theee days and became super weak and could not walk. Took him to Er they did scans and found he had pancreatic cancer that had spread to his liver and lungs. His liver was shot. It’s was stage 4 and they sent him home on hospice he died five days later. This all happened on theee weeks to surgery to death. I’m lost so lost . I’m sad , angry and cry often I have zero energy and don’t want to get out of bed. I have the burden of helping my mom thru grief and my children as well. It’s just not fair and I wanna scream . I’m sick of people telling me that he would want me to move on and he is in a better place. He was 72 that’s young I deserved to have him more years . So thank you for your post it’s the first time someone get were I’m at.

      • Randi  June 7, 2019 at 8:37 pm

        Julie,
        I can really relate to your story. It has almost been a year since I lost my father, but things seem to only get harder. It’s almost like I lost part of my identity when my father passed. I can’t seem to get the motivation to get things done like I used to and some days I just feel like dying. My father was my best friend and I feel so lost and confused.

    • Kristie  June 6, 2019 at 11:44 pm Reply

      Your comment really hit home for me. My dad had an allergic reaction to his blood pressure medication which caused his throat to close and he went into cardiac arrest. He was resuscitated, and airlifted to a larger hospital. He was out of town for work so my sister, mom, and I flew out within hours to be by his side. After 4 days they pronounced him brain dead, and we were then given a very difficult choice. To transfer him to hospice care or remove him from life support. He had told my mom that he would never want to live off machines, and if this ever the case to let him go. We removed him from life support on April 29th, 2019. He passed within 2 hours with all 3 of us by his side holding his hand. He was only 60 years old. My dad was my best friend, my go to person, my rock. The one person that understood me. We talked every single day. I still can’t imagine my life without him. Those days in the hospital and next few weeks feel like a long foggy bad dream. My heart aches just thinking about him. I cry all the time. I find myself looking up different cases on brain damage after cardiac arrest wondering if we made the right decision. My friends have tried to be there for me, but I feel like they just don’t understand how I feel. I can’t stop replaying messages I have from him just so I can hear his voice. Why him. I miss him so much. It feels like this pain will never go away, and I’m stuck in this black cloud that I can never get away from. You are right. No one can only truly understand the pain of losing someone so close that you love so much unless you have been through it firsthand.

    • Edie  June 17, 2019 at 8:17 pm Reply

      There will never be another man like my loving and supportive husband of 51 years. I was his only caregiver for 4 years during the most tiresome and heart-wrenching time of my life. Now six months after his death, I am learning to just sit and breathe and talk to a close friend who is the only person who will really listen to my need to reminisce about my husband’s life before he became bedridden. I find that thinking of him prior to his illness helps me cope. And living my life the way that both he and God would have me to helps, as does changing my attitude about my new life and finding ways to.give myself reasons to keep living. Mourning greets me every morning, but I am determined to not lose my joy or sanity. Other family members still need me in their lives and I need them. No one will ever understand the depths of fear and despair a widow feels, but I find that only I can control myself as daily I venture into my new future. It’s necessary and okay to be sad after a devastating loss. But I have decided I want to feel happy again. Be sad, but be happy again. My husband would want that for me. I can do this. His love for me endures. I thank God that I had such a loving husband in my life. I will keep going in memory of him.

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    • SR  June 29, 2019 at 6:57 pm Reply

      I’ve read the article and some of the comments and am so very sorry for everyone’s losses.

      We just lost our beloved best father we could have asked for and are heartbroken and incomplete. I don’t know how I’ll move on. There are moments when I feel calm, others where I think I’m blocking what happened so that I can go on, and others where I know the reality and am full of sadness. There are no words.

      Everyone’s story is different, and all are painful, and none are fair. I’m having a very hard time accepting the unfairness of this.

      KC, would it be ok to connect? Your relationship with your dad reminds me of mine and would appreciate any insight you might have.

      A friend shared this quote with me, and my first reaction was I didn’t like it at all, but now I use it because I find it’s very true..

      Grief is love with no place to go.

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    • EK  July 21, 2019 at 11:35 pm Reply

      I sit here reading your life story. Goodness it sounds so much like my mine. You’ve put into words what I’ve couldn’t since I lost my Dad March 6th 2019. Technically I say March 7th because of the time difference when I was in Iraq. The hardest thing is coming home and my Dad not being here. A lot of days I wished I didn’t make it home. He promised me he’d be there, the first person to greet me when I returned home and he wasn’t. Grief truly changes you. I’m sad everyday. Every damn day. But I know I have to do my best to be happy and smile when I can otherwise my marriage, my entire life will fall apart. It doesn’t change how I feel. To know I went through so much bullshit in overseas only to loose my Dad.y Dad was my hero, gave me purpose. I wanted kids and I always looked forward to him being there the way he was for me. It’s hard. I hate death. I really flippin hate death. 63 years of life wasn’t enough. I’m angry at God for taking him away from me but I know he’s in a better place. God I miss him. I’d give my life to bring him back. I’m not sure how to live my life without the man I’ve always looked up too. But I’m doing my best trying to make him proud.

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    • Laura  October 18, 2019 at 5:24 am Reply

      I didn’t think I’d reply to anyone, I just came here to try to find comfort, or reassurance I guess. My dad died last month, he told me on Friday that things were better and I told him how happy I was that he was on the mend, again. Then he drank himself to death on Sunday. He was eccentric and creative and completely and utterly unique, far more of a character than I could ever dream to be and everyone, I mean everyone loved him. He would have been the world’s greatest grandad if he could have controlled his demons, I know that. I don’t have kids either yet, I know when I do it’ll be bittersweet. Your story just hit me and I know exactly how you feel when the loss hits you, it really does knock the air out of you. I’m so sorry you’re in it too. All my love.

  60. Sadlady  April 21, 2019 at 4:02 am Reply

    As ironic as it all is to me, these things have never left my mind. He was born 8/15/87 and when i looked back into the year of 87, how ironic is it that all the dates aligned to the dates in 2009& 2015? We had our daughter Jan. 24th . 2009. Our baby shower was Jan 10th 2009, and Jan 11th we had a really big falling out. Fast forward 5 almost 6 years. The last time I laid eyes on my daughters dad was 12/31/2014 and I was very upset with him. Jan 10th 2015 I wanted To call him and apologize and try to get things aligned for our daughters upcoming birthday. I being stubborn decided to put it off til the following day. Jan 11th the whole day just seemed odd, I still was putting off calling him and instead decided to take a nap. I cant Recall what my dream was about but it woke me abruptly and prompted me to go into a panic search for my phone. When I reached My phone it was face up in the middle of my bedroom floor and I had 6 missed calls from a friend that I hadnt Spoke too in god knows how long. Before I could Get to the voicemail I had A text preview that blatantly read “ James is dead” . I cannot Explain the feeling that immediately overcame me as I listened To painstaking voicemails of her crying as he gasped in the background taking his last breaths. He had been brutally murdered. Shot 6 times. Two weeks before our daughters 6th birthday, before I got To apologize, before we got to make it right.. so instead of a birthday party for my daughters birthday, it was a sad day because we had to attend his funeral. . I had Been with my boyfriend at the time for 2 years already I got Pregnant right after his death, everyone told and tells me that my baby boy was sent as a light to me in such a dark time. I feel I’ve never been able to grieve, because the pregnancy happened and then it caused me to be on bedrest..and here I am 4 years later. I’m just as worse now as I was Then It’s consuming me, it’s making me angry Im sad often, mood swings, isolated still trying to come to terms with this and I’m really not having any success. It should get easier with time but for me? It’s getting harder and harder. I really Just wish I could Bring him back for my daughter. That was her pride and joy, I feel Like daughters have very special places for their dads. Smh and it’s just a void that’s not filled. Idk what to do. Please pray for me

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  61. Petrus Nortje  March 30, 2019 at 8:10 am Reply

    I lost my love Karin on the 15/03/2019 after 20 years after a blood clont through the heart a week after her heal operation She was 48 and we did not have Children She was my everything and yes we fought about me being hard headed and not closing the security door ext.One reason for not having children was there was no support all family stayed far away and she didnt want someone else to raize her child We both worked a lot with stress putting max away for our old day after she could not have children anymore so as to not short I have a house car money but i dont have her I know she is with Jesus and me and the parents was with her the last day till i had to drive home to work the next day And i can thank God she did not suffer But what about me I watch movies Do all the thing i didnt do when she was alive and ask myself why couldnt i do this things for her when she was alive I also kiss her photo and talk to her But all of a sudden i just want to have sex with a woman without strings and then after looking on the web for sutch a woman and helping myself i find guild as if i did something wrong and then i remember the love for her that feels as if there is nothing where my heart sits What will i do without her Thank God for his love because i dont know

  62. autumnsmom  March 15, 2019 at 4:12 pm Reply

    I lost my beautiful, smart, funny precocious 8 year old daughter November 28th, 2018. She was diagnosed with Long QT syndrome at birth and had an ICD placed when she was only 3 months old. She was so adventurous and never let her illness stop her from trying new things so we thought we were in the clear. That terrible day we went to wake her up for school and my sweet girl was gone. I still don’t know how I am able to get up everyday. I still cant believe this is my life, that my best friend, my heartbeat, my whole world is gone. I know how every one here feels because my pain is still so raw. I so am angry with God and I try to get over these feelings but it is hard. I see so many kids that are unwanted and mistreated and unloved. I loved mine, mine was taken care of so, why did he take her? Some days it almost to much to bare but I have to think about my son, who is now my only living child.

    • Don  March 30, 2019 at 3:16 am Reply

      Autumnsmom
      I am so sorry to learn of your daughter’s passing. NO parent should ever have to bury their child. I cannot even fathom what you’re experiencing. I am dealing with the loss of my significant other (March 28) to cancer after 25 years together. She was such a great partner, sister, daughter and most of all – mother.
      I too have questioned God – not fully understanding why so many suffer without intervention. I will pray for you and your family during this most difficult time and hope that someday God will provide the comfort you so much deserve.

    • Broken Man  May 7, 2019 at 3:54 am Reply

      I am so sorry for you. I wish I could do something.
      Your daughter was so lucky to have had you.

      When my wife was 8 she lost her mother and then went thought abuse (sexual and physical) at the hands of her father and brother.

      I don’t know which is worse. For a girl to lose her mother or a mother to lose a daughter.

      But your daughter was loved. Some kids are abused or font have mothers.

      I am going through my own grief re children.
      It won’t help you. But I just wanted to say how lucky your child was to be loved so much by such a a wonderful person.

      I hope in the future others can be loved by you.

      You have so much to offer.

      Bless you.

  63. kristi  March 14, 2019 at 3:40 pm Reply

    Thank you, Moira! Thank you for trying to encourage me- you did. I don’t know what I think about counseling. I feel I should be strong enough to figure this out myself, but that isn’t happening, sooo… I am sorry for your loss but glad you have family to support you. I think that’s why this hurts so deeply- I feel my family doesn’t connect like it should, when I want these close relationships that don’t feel possible. Things are avoided bc we don’t want to upset each other, I let the vibe dictate how I express myself. I have always been very emotional, sensitive, but somehow that makes me an exaggerator or weak to them. This isn’t a surprise though. I love my family but I knew this would be how they would act. What did hurt was my friends- I couldn’t believe this was the time they choose to leave me, and with hurtful words. I am still trying to get past that, not connect it to my sister. My whole life has been a series of people leaving me, and more then just moving on- ignoring me, leaving without a word, erasing me. And my sister just feels like “another person” and I don’t understand. Something must be very wrong with me, my family, to have this keep happening. I am very lonely and I am just trying to resign myself to this is what I get. I’m being selfish though, thinking all about myself. I love my family. I love the Lord too. I know he has a plan and is with me, holding me up. I don’t like it but I have no control in this. Thank you for the hugs and prayers! Keep.sending them my way! A big hug to you as well. I’ll keep you in my prayers too- really, it means so much you responded personally to me! I think God made that happen ☺

  64. kristi roth  March 13, 2019 at 11:54 am Reply

    My oldest sister died of cancer almost a year ago, breast cancer that was ignored and then spread to her whole body, to her brain and She didn’t tell anyone until it was too late. She was 37 years old with 6 young children. She lived in a different state and we didnt feel we knew them or were wanted, but I still struggle with this, her moving years ago and us saying “goodbye” in that sense is not the same as a permanent goodbye death brings. She was a hard sister to connect to and be around since childhood, I even almost had decided to not take my one a year vac to visit her anymore bc it was too painful. I didn’t, and I’m glad, but now I never will know or understand or feel love from my sister, it can’t happen now and I feel she was always ok with that. I dont understand that!!? I still.cannot process what our family went through, the not being told anything for months until it was to her brain and too late, the not being allowed to talk about it or tell the kids: to them mommy was sick and we were just visiting. When we got out there she was a skeleton, by the end of that week she was unable to be touched without pain,she couldn’t know who was talking to her, etc etc. And the kids would visit with her throughout the day and then next minute be wild, be playing- oh the pain that brought! We didn’t get to say our goodbyes in a real sense, get any last conversations with her, or closure. We didn’t even get a funeral. And there are many many more hard details I won’t get into. The doctors gave her 2-4 months and she died in 3. She said God would heal her and to say otherwise was disbelief. Yes, I am angry at her, her husband, God, but I am everything else and in between as well. I am struggling to find anyone who will let me talk about it and unable to make sense of it. The aftermath and changes are as bad as going through her dying. I have no friends, they have all cut me off or said hurtful things. My heart is broken and I am so tired of pretending I am ok and getting better. I already asked for the anniversary day off from work, but no in my family understands why. My parents are older, I’ve lost all my grandparents, and my family had not gotten closer through this. I am mid30’s and completely single- what is the point? Life goes on, keeps going forward, but I feel this was my line crossed. This was the slap in the face that things will never be better or right. Now I have people who knew me before, after, during, left me at all stages and I don’t know who I am anymore.

    • Priya  March 13, 2019 at 4:23 pm Reply

      Yes i have some problem related to death now a days i can t even sleep cause of thinking death and losing my parents some day etc i dont have any one in life to talk every one is fake .. now i have nothing to do.. im lost in vain.. and im also so much curious to know that is really is there any after life?

    • Moira Hill  March 14, 2019 at 7:57 am Reply

      Hi Kristi. Im so sorry for your loss. I just read your post and I feel so sad for you and even though I don’t have any good advice really, even though I don’t know you, I feel I want to send love, hugs and prayers.
      My son passed away in January and I’m grieving bad too but I have a supportive family and friends and I couldn’t imagine what I would do without that support. I’m gonna pray that you will find a light at the end of the tunnel. Have you considered counselling? It may help. Sending love, hugs and prayers to you. Take care.

    • Cheri Marsh  March 22, 2019 at 12:50 am Reply

      Kristi, i am so very sorry to hear your story. It breaks my heart you had to lose your sister like that. I would like you to know you are not alone in this world. For some reason, most people are not equipped to comfort or allow for raw human emotion. That makes our pain seem even worse. Can i suggest you find a good book on grief?? I’m reading one called ‘Resilient Grieving’ by Lucy Hone, PhD. I hope you can find some strong relationships maybe a grief support group that can help you along this difficult journey.

    • Stacy Presley  March 27, 2019 at 10:00 pm Reply

      I am so sorry for your loss.

  65. Mis Standwas  March 12, 2019 at 7:10 am Reply

    I lost my lover 2 months back, feels like i just heard the news. i remember it clearly, January 11 2019, 11h37am. that moment changed my life. He was hit by a car while walking far away from the street. Life changed. i found myself negotiating with God, i still negotiate with God to have him back. I know he is gone but my mind is still failing to process it. I see him every where. I remember all the hugs, kisses, smiles, the looks he gave me. he made me feel i was the only one. I was the only one and i loved him just as much. We made plans. he asked me to be his forever and i said yes. I was supposed to be the last face he saw before going to bed at night and the first to see in the morning. We dreamt of how he was supposed to kiss me good morning everyday. He promised me he wasnt going anywhere and now he is gone. I feel lost, i feel betrayed. I feel like i have no much to live for. how m i gonna love another the way i love him. i dont see myself giving that kind of love to someone. now i fin myself kissing his picture good morning everyday and him being the last face i see before i close my eyes. Some days are easier. some, it just hit me all over again an i breakdown. Will it ever get better. I now tell his pic, i will see u again soon and when i get home, i want u to be the one welcoming me. i am inlove with a man u buried 2 months ago. i dont know how to look at life. i feel sooo lost. i look at the clouds for some hope but i see nothing.

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    • Aks  March 29, 2019 at 2:52 am Reply

      I feel you, he passed away on 6th Nov 2018 and I have still not come to terms of losing my soul mate. We made love on the 5th night, laughed, cuddled and passed out, next morning he was shaking uncontrollably and in a few minutes he was gone, right before my eyes, I thought it was a nightmare.. but it was all for real..
      But I know for sure, we will meet on the other side. I do exactly the same things you’ve mentioned, I kiss his pic every morning and evening when I’m back from work, I feel the closest to him when m sitting just by myself.

      We will meet, just be hopeful about that!

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    • Julie A Carter  April 26, 2019 at 1:14 am Reply

      I am feeling all of these things you have described. I lost my husband of almost 3 years just 18 days ago. He had a massive heart attack while being taken into police custody on a bogus warrant. They didn’t tell me until hours later, robbing me of the precious chance to say goodbye. The pain is overwhelming. I have no desire to go on, i long for his arms holding me again. The emptiness and lonliness are paralyzing me, and I can’t seem to make myself get out of bed. He was cremated and I have his urn cradled in my arm most of the time, just because I feel like that’s as close as I can ever be to him ever again. I feel like I’m going crazy, and I never imagined having to face life without him here with me. I never knew grief was so horrible. I have never known pain this intense. Everything, literally, reminds me of him. We were together 24/7, worked together, played together, shared every part of ourselves, even the ugly parts noone else knew. He was my lover, my best friend, my confidante, my partner in crime, my ride or die, the only person I truly knew who had my back right or wrong and the only one i ever completely trusted. Dennis Wayne Carter Jr you are my soul mate, and I will never give up and I will never let you go. I will always love you with all of me. Watermelon forternity baby!

  66. Pamela jones  March 11, 2019 at 11:08 am Reply

    I came home from work early because my husband wasn’t answering my calls. He had just had shoulder replacement surgery and was doing well. I rushed home to find him dead on the floor. After 40 years of marriage the only man I have ever loved was gone just like that . I am surrounded by support . But the one person that would give me the support I needed is gone. I sleep with his shirt . It has his smell. All the emotions listed in this article I have felt. I know I will go on for the sake of all who love me. I have to. But a part of me is gone. We shared a bond that any couple would dream of . He often told me I loved him too much. Even now I don’t believe that’s possible. I am heartbroken , but that is the price of love.

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    • Don  March 30, 2019 at 3:40 am Reply

      Pamela
      I just lost my significant other and best friend of 25 years to cancer. Such a terrible disease. I am really struggling to come to terms of what my life will be without her. It still hasn’t hit me. I am fearing it’s going to get worse before it gets better for me.
      I will pray for you and hope you may find comfort someday.

  67. Sean bennett  March 11, 2019 at 6:29 am Reply

    I lost my mom at age 17 on 8/29/18 due to 3 teens robbing my next door neighbor. They were jumping and robbing my neighbor and my mom went outside and yelled for my brother to go out and help the kid from getting beat up. (I was asleep after a long day of work btw).. So anyways my brother ran outside and broke up the fight as my mom watched from our driveway. The 3 boys ran to a Honda Civic and took off. As they took off at a high rate of speed, they swerved onto the sidewalk and hit my mom. Witnesses say my mom held onto the hood screaming and the driver jerked the car to the right and she flew off and hit her head. She died right there. Idk how to handle it. She was my best friend. I feel so lost without her trying to move on everyday and live out my life but all I do now is fear death. I really fear it.

    • Sommer Bowlin  April 19, 2019 at 1:02 am Reply

      I’m so sorry you lost your mom, and in such a tragic way. Losing a parent is so hard. I recently just lost my father. The heartache is so unbearable. I’m sure you can relate. I’m going to try “bereavement group therapy”. My sister has said its helped her understand grief a little more each time. Have you tried going to bereavement group therapy?

  68. Albert perrone  March 10, 2019 at 11:08 am Reply

    I lost my son Nov 2017, he was the greatest treasure I have been in love with.Everyday is empty and I know that’s wrong of me to think that.I know he wouldn’t want me to feel like this,and it hurts to know I miss him so much.I am having a hard time Danny I love and miss you always son lu dad

    • Don  March 30, 2019 at 3:44 am Reply

      Albert,
      So sorry for your loss. No parent should ever have to bury their child. I pray that God will give you comfort at some point.

    • Amber  April 15, 2019 at 8:46 am Reply

      It is not wrong to feel empty. I lost my mom on March 4th 2019. It’s been a little over a month and I still feel like I’m not going to be okay. I feel like I will never be okay. I often cry at night because I miss her so much. I often think about calling her just to hear her voice again only to realize I never will be able to hear her voice again. And it sucks, it F-ing sucks because I feel guilty that I never spent that much time with her the years leading up to her death, so did she die knowing I love her? I hope she did.

  69. Roman  March 7, 2019 at 7:46 am Reply

    Τoday, I went to thhe beɑch feont with my kids.

    I found a seaa shell and gave it to mmy 4 year old daughter and
    ѕaid “You can hear the ocean if you put this to your ear.” She pllaced
    tthe shell to her ear and screamed. Ƭhere waas a hemit
    crab inside and it pinched her ear. She nervеr wats to go bаck!

    LoL Ӏ know this is entirely off topi but I had
    to tell someone!

    • Yvette  June 20, 2019 at 1:52 pm Reply

      Roman what are you doing here? Seriously this is just so disrespectful of others telling their stories about grief and reaching out. I don’t understand why you even came to this website. How rude and insensitive!!!!!!!

  70. DeeRah  February 27, 2019 at 1:52 pm Reply

    I lost my husband on 1/2/2019. Everyone—including my mother in law–has told me to move on. I was with my husband for 3 years. Married for 1 year out o fthe 3. I’ve been in many relationships, but my husband was the only one who loved me wholeheartedly. The worst part is, everyone tells me, “It’s a good thing you didn’t have kids.. life would be so hard for you.”. I’m really sorry.. but i’m 37 years old and financially successful…. all of my friends and family that are my age have 10 year olds. that’s the part that kills me the most. I DON’T HAVE CHILDREN. Nothing that i can feel like i need to be happy for.

    What haunts me the most is 2 days before his death, we decided it’s time we should start trying to have children. We even picked out names.

    My father in law is in battle with me, there were 4 things i wanted to keep that belonged to my husband. His jacket, His phone, His shoes, and his wedding outfit. I didn’t care about money.. didn’t care about anything else. I asked for these things from my in laws. My father in law said, “No, i want to keep it all.”

    the next day, my brother in law told me not to be selfish and give the four things to my father in law. And they would need to keep the pension money also, because they can’t pay the bills themselves. FINE. k

    I gave up the money. I don’t need money. I want my husband’s memories. They kept everything.. including his clothes, IDS, death certificate, EVERYTHING… and i even gave up his shoes… but they’re not leaving me alone about the 3 things that i have. So finally decided i would give up the phone. For the first time in my life, i feel like God is so unfair to me. I want peace and i can’t find peace. I cant’ sleep in my room.. because his spot is empty. and now the things I wanted…the things i have cherished has to be given up, as well.

    I’m tired of arguments. and i’m tired of negativity. I smile at work.. and as soon as i get lunch break i cry in the bathroom stall. I cannot have a single lighthearted conversation with my fathe rin law nor my mother in law. they think I am the reason my husband had a heart attack. So now I’m feeling extra guilty… I really have developed a strong hatred for myself.

    Nothing seems to make me happy. My husband has never let me cry. If i did, he would turn the world for me. my family and friends tell me i have nothing to hate about myself. But i’m trying to be in good relations with my in laws. But the few things i have… they don’t want me to keep. .. and my grieving has become so dark because of this.

    • Michael  March 5, 2019 at 10:05 pm Reply

      I just saw your story my wife of 30 years died about six months ago she was sick and then suddenly she was gone I do have a special needs daughter I completely agree with you and your situation your in-laws in my opinion overstep their bounds of course I don’t know everything about your situation but I don’t believe you’re being unreasonable and that you are in pain I am so sorry for you I pray that someday soon you’ll find away 4 peace I am only writing this because of the insanely intense pain and I happened to be struggling with this evening and I found your message God bless you

    • Mandy Murphy  March 10, 2019 at 11:55 pm Reply

      I’m so sorry for your loss I know exactly how you feel I’ve been in the same position my husband died 10/1/19 nearly a month before our 2nd wedding anniversary and I’ve had problems from the in-laws my father in law was treating me like i was stupid and a child im 36 now but was 35 when my husband died so i knoe you have a legal right to have the things you want as your his legal next of kin his father can’t keep it all

    • Danielle Raitt  March 29, 2019 at 8:37 am Reply

      DEAR DEERAH,

      Sincere thoughts are with you, regardless of how long you where together, just having something of his will be a cherished item. Its so sad that the family are not allowing you to have this, I know they are grieving too and maybe they will eventually hand over once their grieving has softened. Everyone grieves differently and no one can tell anyone how to etc. I just hope that they do see the thought in it for you and that your not alone now surrounded by supportive group of friends and family. Its fresh, its raw and it hurts like hell. Focus on you for now and your memories. I hope this turns out positive, sending hugs xxx

    • Dmarie  October 5, 2019 at 6:11 pm Reply

      I know I’m late, and i do hope your situation has changed. Should it have not, I feel awful that they would continue to rob you of what belongs to ONLY you. Families can be quite insensitive during these times. In fact down right toxic and selfish, remember;

      Genesis 2:24 – Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.

      Material things are trivial compared to those memories which belong to you. However, it is not your belated husbands parents position to decide whats to be done with his personal belongs. Those belong to you and ONLY you. Should you chose to give any item away to whomever, then so it be. Your in-laws should only offered you support and understanding to your decisions. Should you give any item away to them, it would only be right for them to be appreciative for your doing so.

      The money is also a great concern. They have over stepped their boundaries and ignored your be the sole inherent to your late husbands estate. I would not allow any of this. Any decisions made with in the first year will be made out of reaction and not reason. Its during that time that
      Volutes take advantage of the weak.

      I sincerely hope you found strength and challenged what they have robbed you of. I offer you this tool of measuring the value these folks offer to your life. If their presents brings you stress, pay attention. If the relationship is one sided (meaning all effort is from you) pay attention. If you dont see how they offer any value to your life, then by all means remove them. Holding on to and complying with toxic relationships will only steel your happiness and will offer you nothing towards an healthy relationship. So dont be afraid to rock the boat and have boundaries. Who cares if they get angry with you or put pressure kn you to do. They aren’t important enough to matter should they never speak to you again and they wont be in the position to cause you any further harm.

  71. Alma  February 19, 2019 at 4:37 am Reply

    My grief is knowing my little boy is with some other people he was taken from me on03/21/2016 almost 3 years ago I only had him for one year and he was my everything my understanding little love and now he’s with my brother and his husband how can can my brother do this to me and live with himself knowing that I think of my little boy everyday I cry most days the pain never leaves I ant believe everything is normal to everyone around me like I’m the crazy one I’ve tried once to kill myself but I could cut high enough on my veins now I haven’t seen my little dog in almost 2 years everyday my head hurts and my depression is worst now than it has ever been I’ve lost my mind without my little wily he’s the only thing that kept me together now I’m a gross 23 year old with nothing going for herself I’m a failure and everyone knows it

    • Jennifer  June 24, 2019 at 8:30 am Reply

      Hi sweetheart you have a lot to live for and your whole life ahead of you . Please don’t be so hard on yourself , life is not easy and we all have problems, but know that the storm doesn’t last forever . God will bring you through this . It’s only temporary and this negative energy will vanish your life will get together I promise. I’m praying for you honey. Sending angels your way . May God Bless You.

  72. Brigette Cleverley  February 7, 2019 at 12:04 am Reply

    I am so happy that I found this tonight. I lost my mother on December 23, 2018 and my life partner on December 27, 2018. My partner was with me while my mother was passing but then he died unexpectedly of a heart attack four days later. I have been trying to understand why I can’t seem to find pleasure in the normal things that have always brought me joy. I knew I was not crazy but also knew that I was damaged. I can’t seem to go more than a couple of hours without breaking into tears. I want to be strong for everyone around me, especially my boys. Thank you for letting me know that this will happen for a while. I am crazy right now, but it is okay.

    • Andy  May 9, 2019 at 8:20 pm Reply

      I lost my spouse of 30 years in Dec. She died of stage 4 cancer, and it has turned my life upside down. I miss her all the time. I isolate, cry, yell. I feel like I’m going nuts. Trying to get on with things but nothing makes a lot of sense. This is so hard.

      1
  73. Jacob  February 1, 2019 at 10:05 pm Reply

    I was with my husband for almost 13 years (3yrs married) I took him to Key West for his birthday. We were having an amazing time. The day of his birthday I made reservations to a restaurant and asked if they could sing Happy Birthday to him and they agreed. We spent half the day at the beach and we were on the way back to where we were staying. I stopped to take a pic of a tree and he went ahead on his scooter. I rode my scooter to the place we were staying and as I turned right on the street we were staying at I saw him on the ground two women were by his side. He was bleeding out of his nose and ears. I was in a panic and rode my scooter to the police car that was on the cross street. An ambulance was called and he was taken to the lower keys hospital. I was not allowed to go in the ambulance. A good Samaritan offered to take me. I was told to hurry as they were going to fly my husband to Miami via helicopter as soon as they got him to the local hospital. To my surprise that was not done. Why I don’t know. They called me to the back room where they had done a bore hole on his head. The tools they used were dripping blood and they basically told me he was going to pass. They sent him to Miami via helicopter I was stuck in Key West (we live in Illinois) I had to return my scooter, keys to the condo and I had to figure out how I was going to get to Miami. After being in Miami for 21 days we were told my husband was brain dead. I have never experienced do much pain in my life. My husband turned 32 and did not get to live his 32nd birthday. I never got the chance to sing him Happy Birthday. It’s been 4 months since I lost him and the emptiness sucks. I am basically a walking robot. I get up and I go to work. I leave work and come home and cry my eyes out. Knowing that I will not be able to hug him, kiss him, talk to him or spend time with him for as long as I am living is so painful. My faith has been tempted a lot. Our dreams, our story was destroyed. I know that people mean well when they say ” God had a purpose for taking him” but to me it makes no sense. What purpose does God have in taking the ones we love? It hurts so much because the world just keeps on going. I have to pretend like everything is fine in front of people while I am hurting so bad inside. Being with someone you love so much every moment you can and losing them overnight is extremely painful. My heart is with all of you that have lost a loved one. God less all of you. I do not want to live without him, I lost the love of my life, my soulmate, my husband.

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    • Josh  February 6, 2019 at 2:04 am Reply

      Hello Jacob. I’m so sorry. I lost my mom recently and this made my heart break for you. I hope you can find happiness one day. Know you were loved by him and he will always be with you.

    • Alicia Myers  February 7, 2019 at 10:51 am Reply

      “Tonight all the hells of young grief have opened again; the mad words, the bitter resentment, the fluttering in the stomach, the nightmare unreality, the wallowed-in tears. For in grief nothing ‘stays put.’ One keeps on emerging from a phase, but it always recurs. Round and round. Everything repeats. Am I going in circles, or dare I hope I am on a spiral? But if a spiral, am I going up or down it? How often—will it be for always?—how often will the vast emptiness astonish me like a complete novelty and make me say, ‘I never realized my loss till this moment’? The same leg is cut off time after time. The first plunge of the knife into the flesh is felt again and again. They”
      ― C.S. Lewis, A Grief Observed

      1
    • Danielle Raitt  February 11, 2019 at 3:47 am Reply

      I lost my husband and soul mate on the 28 December 2018, we too only got 13 years together of marriage, I walk around lifeless, filled with emotions of pain, our three children lost their daddy, their rock. It was so unexpected too, I dont think even having the opportunity to say goodbye makes a difference. I would like to share a few poems I have written to express my grief. Im hoping they help on this site.
      If I heard your voice again I would capture it in a jar
      To keep with me for evermore though close yet so far
      To feel your hand entwined in mine would calm my aching heart
      I know that your with me, we will never be apart
      Your eyes always filled with sparkle so shiny and bright
      One day we will be together in the softest white light

      A photo tells a story our memory might forget
      Reminds us of life’s beauty and how quickly we regret
      Hug and kiss, say I love you, every waking day
      Never miss the chance again life’s too short they say
      From now on and forward let’s all start to agree
      We won’t take for granted the happiness around thee
      Losing a loved one is a journey we all walk it here
      Hold your photo close and the memory will be near

      Love and light to everyone suffering from a loved one that has passed,

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      • Alan  February 21, 2019 at 7:11 am

        On my birthday. I’m so sorry.

  74. Ger  January 31, 2019 at 11:12 pm Reply

    My husband died in 2016 and for rhe first two years I had a lot to take care of. Ithink I’m just starting. Tbis article helped.

  75. fazi  January 31, 2019 at 9:57 am Reply

    I lost my grandma, that i really loved I grew up with , she was like a mother to me. she passed away about a month ago I didnt get the chance to see her. At first i cried a lot but it was weird because it seem unreal i was trying not to cry. after one week i started having weird feelings towards my boy friend the only person who always was there to support me i was second guessing my feelings, these thoughts would come to my mind that i dont love him i have to break up for no reason i started having anxiety pain , i cry every night i worry about losing my feelings towards him. no one gets it! the pain i feel its unbearable i dont know why it started and i dont know how, i just know it started on week after i lost my granda and it been hurting me since. Its been a month, i have pain every night and day ! i miss my old me i want her back! im so scared

  76. Margarita Rodriguez  January 29, 2019 at 11:16 am Reply

    I lost my son it’s going to be 2 years on February 16, 2019. He died of a stroke due to an overdose. He was 32 when passed away. I am going through an emotional drowimg process. I have my 25 year old that lives with me. Ever since my sons passing I am so fearful for my 25 year olds safety in every form. I do feel like I am goimg crazy. Grief is a horrific feelings. It eats you up menatally, physicall and emotionally. My daughter had the audacity to call me paranoid. The nerve. For these holidays to say I was broken beyond belief is an understatement to say the least. I need peace of mind when it comes to her and it’s like what gives. Can I explain it no I can not. It hurts so bad. It geels like it will never end. The coming of the date of his death is so overehelming. I feel so crazy oh lord. It would be nice if my daughter understood but that’s too much to ask. I await lingering in pain to be able to be quote on quote normal again. Not going to happen. Throw me a life saver please. Only time only time I hope will help me heal. I don’t know how long as a part of me is missing. Oh how it hurts. As I write my tears just rolls with such sorrow. But in reading others stories I know that I am not alone. That I am grieving as a mom that’s the fact and that’s it.

    • Cesca  February 1, 2019 at 1:29 pm Reply

      Hi Margarita, your post was very upsetting to read, my heart really does go out to you. I just want you to know that this will get easier I promise. I speak from my own personal experience. It’ll never be OK what has happened to your son but you will learn to carry the grief in time. Your body and mind grow around it in order to survive.
      Try not to be angry at your daughter, she is grieving as well for her brother and is taking it out on you. You must stick together during this difficult time.
      Look after yourself and concentrate on getting yourself through this by focusing on small steps.
      xxx

    • sandra  February 8, 2019 at 5:30 pm Reply

      Your post resonates with me. I have not lost a child, but I lost my first husband, my sons’ father, in 2006. They were 5 and 15. I was a single mom for 9 years before I met my second husband. David and I were only married 1 year (and he was only 46) when he was diagnosed with stage 4 melanoma. David battled like a warrior, but passed away in August of 2018. During his illness my father and aunt also passed away-I was the executor of their estates-it felt like blow-after-blow-after-blow, but I was able to keep going because I knew David needed me as his caregive, and my teenage son also needed me. It’s been almost 6 months since David passed. Like you I worry endlessly about both of my sons. Their safety, their health. It is not an exaggeration to say that on a daily basis I have thoughts that one of them will die. I have caught myself saying loudly, “STOP IT” to stop those terrible thoughts-that in itself makes me feel crazy. It seems to be happening more often and more intensely. I’ve always said I can handle anything (on top of losing both my husbands I also lost my home and all possession in a house fire shortly after my first husband died so I’ve had other challenges as well) as long as my boys are alright. I’m not sure how time will help me through this, but I’m praying for peace for you and for me.

      • Cesar Salazar  February 19, 2019 at 12:34 am

        Hello I lost my wife’s in 2011 she leave me with. 2 boys 4 &5 years old
        This past Tuesday my youngest baby12 years old now got hit b 3 cars he was autism
        I’m broke inside I’m having thought kill my self. But I have a 13 years old too
        I see him super sad I don’t not what go do?he deserving better
        He take care of his brother 50 % of the time since he didn’t see him go out to the street neither I
        We feel so much guilty. If God really exist I hope my baby is in paradise with his mother
        But the only reason I do not commit suicide. Is my other kid

      • Cesar Salazar  February 19, 2019 at 12:35 am

        Hello I lost my wife’s pass away in 2011 she leave me with. 2 boys 4 &5 years old
        This past Tuesday my youngest baby12 years old now got hit b 3 cars he was autism
        I’m broke inside I’m having thought kill my self. But I have a 13 years old too
        I see him super sad I don’t not what go do?he deserving better
        He take care of his brother 50 % of the time since he didn’t see him go out to the street neither I
        We feel so much guilty. If God really exist I hope my baby is in paradise with his mother
        But the only reason I do not commit suicide. Is my other kid

      • J Tata  February 26, 2019 at 2:04 pm

        My first husband I took care of for many years he died at 40 my girls were 3-10 I met a widower 3 years later and married to blend 4 kids it was our perfect He dropped dead of a heart attack in sept I lost my 2 husbands and am 52 I’m
        Sorry for your loss Didn’t realize there were so many young double widows

  77. Larry  January 21, 2019 at 4:40 pm Reply

    My mother passed away 4 weeks before Christmas
    She was sick. My father who should have been with her was instead staying at a hotel. She died alone and scared. I miss her so much and am so broken over this. Since this my father is now selling all their belongings and house and is spending every dime they ever had. I have a hard time forgiving him. That was his wife whom he abandoned when she was ill. She confronted him of cheating 2 days prior to dying and now he plays the grieving husband. I just want her back. She was everything to me. She was selfless in ways you dont often find. Miss you mom. Love you always

  78. Mar  January 17, 2019 at 7:01 pm Reply

    I’m grieving too.
    I read most of the comments.
    I can’t believe how much suffering is in this life.
    I send my condolences and love to everyone.

  79. Wendy Scott  January 5, 2019 at 8:30 am Reply

    I sit here exactly one year and one month from the day my then 24 year old son died. He died of what they call SUDEP, Sudden Death by Epilepsy. He had uncontrolled epilepsy for many years, struggled to get doctors to understand what he was having problems with, couldn’t get anyone to help him find medication that didn’t also mess with his moods. He complained constantly about how awful the medication made him feel. He tried following the doctors’ advice but the medication made him feel horrible. He finally made the decision to go off all meds and try to self medicate using CBD, which has helped some people with very difficult to control epilepsy. It did help some, but like everything else, it wasn’t enough. His seizures worsened. He was in and out of the emergency room regularly. And one day, he died, in his sleep. It is so sad, so unfair, he was an incredibly bright, beautiful, talented young man. He was loved by many. There wer 200 people at his Celebration of Life service, and people came out of the woodwork to tell me his impact on their lives. The night he died, I found out he had spent it consoling a homeless man, who had lost his wife and son. He would do that, help anyone, give them the coat off his back, even if it was below freezing outside. He was a really good, loving, kind person. Sometimes I just can’t wrap my head around why him. But that thought gets me no where.

    What you speak of, going along “like normal,” and suddenly Crazy comes along and invades you, like an alien taking you over, is exactly how I feel. I have so many strange thoughts about my son’s death, and wonder, often, if I am a little crazy. I love the line that “when it comes to grief, Crazy is the new normal.” That really helps, because some days I wonder about a lot of things, mostly if I will ever feel truly whole again. I might not. People have lots of advice, and I really don’t feel like following any of it. My Mom tries to tell me that I just need to have faith. I told her that it has nothing to do with faith. My friend tells me to go see a counselor, and yes, I can do that, but what are they going to do? Somehow make it different? Better? Make me feel supported? I don’t think there is a magic bullet. People want me to be better, “normal,” back to myself, whatever that means.

    But in the end of the day, the cold hard facts remain: Parker is gone, and there is nothing I could have done or can do about it. I have to just accept it. Or I guess I can choose not to accept it, only making my suffering even greater. Most of the time I just let the feelings come and be. I don’t try to change anything, I just be. It doesn’t make it better or me happy but it at least allows me to not be in a state of resistance. And yet, I wander through feelings of anger, rage, grief, guilt, frustration, and feel mostly how totally unfair it all is. I wonder sometimes why? But I will never get an answer. It is the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with, and it doesn’t seem to get any easier. I think what people who haven’t experienced losing a child fail to understand is that there is truly nothing that will make the situation better. My mother told me she has faith that he is safe now, and no longer in pain, and with God. And the he is well where he is and for her, that makes it all dealable, because God doesn’t make mistakes. Well I struggle with that because I can’t understand why death makes it better for anyone. Maybe it just plain doesn’t!

    Ultimately, I don’t know what to say to people, not many do understand, and sometimes I find it too hard to have to deal with their inability to understand. I have had to say to people, “I can’t help you with that, I don’t have it in me right now. I am sorry.” People who I would ordinarily be there for, listen to, offer some kind of help but right now I am barely standing up straight myself. I know I am depressed about this, and that depression is not my usual state, but I also know that there really isn’t any way out of how I feel. There isn’t any way of of the sad fact that Parker is gone.

    That is the truth about how I feel. I don’t often say it to many people. But that is the truth. I also have a strong need to feel happy, and I often actually do feel happy about many things. Sometimes I think about how funny Parker was, about how kind, and how courageous he was. He never worried about himself, he spent the last several years of his life going out of his way to help others. I even told him, on numerous occasions, that he should really spend some of that time taking care of himself, making sure he had what he needed, but he always said that things would work out, and if someone needed something more than he did, he really didn’t have a problem sharing it with them. I feel like, in many ways, he was a better person than I was. Totally selfless. That does make me happy, realizing that the life he lived meant something. He did live his life fully. He lived his life on his terms. Those things are really admirable. And they make me feel happy that i got to be a part of his life. So part of that Crazy is the New Normal also means living with really strange, dichotomous, opposing feeling happening at the same time. How can I feel angry, crazy, guilt-ridden and grief stricken, and at the same time happy, grateful and fulfilled at having been his mom? It doesn’t make sense, and yet there it is. It does feel better pouring my feelings out. I hope this doesn’t sound too crazy!

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    • Becky lee  March 24, 2019 at 11:50 pm Reply

      My comment is for Wendy Scott. You are a normal crazy I too lost my Son in a car crash he was only 29 he also helped people and was a happy go lucky person.He had 6 beautiful children…I wish I could tell you something g to help but I have all the emotions you have some days worse than others.Only thing I can tell you is you have every right to any feelings anytime you have them life is Hell when you lose a child and your right no-one can fix that kind of pain.So if they judge you please ignore them your ♡ is broken and always will be just get through each day the best you can sorry for your loss too.

    • Paul  August 18, 2019 at 8:05 pm Reply

      There is nothing crazy at all in what you told. Live your life in your own terms, as he’d wanted you to do. You had a treasure, don’t forget you’re a treasure yourself, or try to remember it along this painful journey. That’s what I’d tell my mother, who left this world 4 weeks ago. And that’s what I will try to do as well, though feeling I will fail. For what you expressed, I believe you will succeed, and your “crazy” will be the key.

  80. Bee  January 3, 2019 at 5:31 am Reply

    I lost my husband 3 months ago. I thought I was getting better but I cry out of nowhere. Because of the holidays, is pushed the pain to the side until it all hit me. I have been waiting for normal or my new normal and I can’t find it. It hurts so bad. I miss him and our life we had. When I look at my children, so say to myself man if your dad can see you now. I tried to throw myself into working at a fast food restaurant but that is even hard and it’s only one day a week. I am afraid of breaking down. I don’t trust my emotions any more. I feel lost with no direction. Life keeps going and it feels like it’s passing me by and I need to move on with my new life but I am stuck. I don’t know which direction to take. I have the support of my family thank God but I am so lost and don’t know if this is normal.

    • Denise M Bunting  January 4, 2019 at 7:00 pm Reply

      3 months is nothing; the hard truth is that we will be able to evaluate how we are doing in perhaps 3 years. When the pain/confusion/disorientation is unbearable, this is a hard saying. and discouraging to hear, but true. No one, and nothing could have prepared us for this experience; and we wouldn’t have been able to comprehend the extent/depths of its effects if someone would have tried.

    • Linda  February 1, 2019 at 7:18 pm Reply

      Hi Bee. I feel the same way. It’s been 13 months for me and I am hating every minute of it. I am stuck as well. I am finding that the things that irritated me I now miss. It’s the craziest thing. It’s been a year and I am pissed that people have gone about their business and I am still in the space and time of his death. Being around people all day and pretending that everything is ok is exhausting yet when I get home I can’t get to sleep. When is this going to end?

  81. Aria  January 1, 2019 at 10:41 pm Reply

    Our 28 year old daughter died by suicide five weeks ago. My two older daughters are trying to carry on with their lives, but they have been deeply traumatized by their sister’s death. My husband keeps busy and doesn’t like to talk about his grief. I need people to reach out to. I have to talk about it, write about it, get support somehow every day in some form.

    I do feel as though I am going crazy. I talk to my dead daughter and tell her that I think she must be pulling a huge prank on all of us, that she can’t be dead! I kiss her photos and talk to her as if she can hear me. I expect her to walk into the room at any moment.

    I think that getting angry and irritated is part of the craziness. My oldest daughter has attacked me in great anger three times in the past ten days. i feel so much hatred coming from her at times. But i know she is in incredible pain, she feels guilty, she feels regret, she misses her sister so much. I get angry at my husband for not defending me to my daughter, but, then I realize that this is grief, all of this anger and irritation is extreme grief expressing itself.

    • skyjasper  January 26, 2019 at 12:46 am Reply

      Dear Aria,
      My heart goes out to you. If you have a Facebook page, please consider joining this closed group “Healing Warrior Parents” It is only for Bereaved parents. It is a Wonderful supportive group that believes Healing is possible together. They can give much needed support and tools to get you through your loss. Please take care of yourself. <3

  82. Greg  December 31, 2018 at 4:00 am Reply

    My wife and child died at child birth within 2 hours of each other 30 years ago….
    it doesn’t get better….

  83. Lynn  December 30, 2018 at 1:50 pm Reply

    My Mom died rather suddenly two years ago . She had always shielded my Dad from ‘real life’ so Dad didn’t have any idea how to exist in the Real World. Although there was a brother at home, I had to retire from my job (earlier than I intended) and move back into the famiy home. My brother had been made power of attorney and by December we realized he was skimming from Dad. Dad had to quit driving (and I don’t drive) and my brother turned into someone I don’t recognize. I managed to figure out ways to get Dad where he had to go, and I moved out of the house to an apartment three doors up. My landlady and I had a disagreement and since I had no lease, I had to find somewhere else to go. Dad and I went to the lawyer (actually, the lawyer came to us) and we got the brother removed as POA and closed the checking account that brother had put his name on right after Mom passed. I took Dad to the doc in August for a followup to the MRI he had in February – he’d had a spot on his lung since he was 8 years old – and they called us back and said Dad had cancer. It spread so fast, a month later Dad fell and had to go to the hospital – he had three broken ribs in the back. Dad had a panic button, he called 911 and then me. He left the house on september 26th and he never went back. From the hospital he went to a nursing home that he hated. He should have been in the VA, and every day I went to see him (bus or the kindness of friends) he would tell me, his voice breaking, that he didn’t understand why he had to be ‘there’ and wondered why his son (who BTW. refused to take him to the hospital earlier in August..) wouldn’t come see him. When the nursing home told me how much it was going to cost to keep him there, I panicked inside. Dad turned 92 on Ocrober 15th and he went to sleep that night and didn’t ever really regain consciousness. He died on October 17th. I was named executrix of the will, and have taken the proper legal steps. Brother continues to live in the house, we only speak when I accidentally run into him. He pays the house bills, he’s still working. I am retired living in a very cold apartment with a leaky ceiling because we can’t get along. I miss my parents, and I am so angry at my brother for stealing from our father. I am totally at an impasse. I took care of Dad for two years and had to be up and ready to go by 7. These days I’m lucky if I can get out of bed by 8. I am disgusted with myself for being like this, and for being relieved Dad died before his resources were completed. I feel like a horrible person.

    • Mike  January 1, 2019 at 11:20 pm Reply

      Hi Lynn,

      You sound like a great person. You did all the right stuff. I am not good with words but wanted you to know I read your story and wish for you the very best.

      Kind regards,
      Mike

    • Lindiswa Sotyingwa  January 24, 2019 at 6:07 am Reply

      You are a great person and I wish you the best in life. I pray that God plays his part in this and blesses you.

  84. Paige  December 29, 2018 at 12:37 am Reply

    In 27 years, with the exception of my honeymoon and one senior trip I took 9 years ago, I have seen my grandmother every single day of my life. I have NEVER gone a day without talking to her. 8 months ago I received news that she wouldn’t live more than 2-3 years, so I devoted nearly every second of my life to trying to find ways to extend that time. After becoming pregnant I couldn’t lift or care for her the way I wanted to, but I did what I could. Sadly that 2-3 year diagnosis was way off, as she passed 3 weeks ago, the day before my birthday and two weeks before hers. Not to mention on Hannukkah and two weeks before Christmas and 6 weeks before the birth of my first child. I refused to deny her wishes and put her under grown, so I borrowed over 10 thousand dollars for her funeral and an above ground resting place. We didn’t have any money for the holidays or a baby shower because of it, but who cares. Since her passing only 20 days ago, my sister has suffered a miscarriage and my husband has become unemployed. I know tomorrow or the next day we will get our eviction notice, and we have a baby coming in 4 weeks. I had a fairytale wedding less than a year ago and I acted so damn spoiled and bratty about it and I believe this is my punishment. People tell me things will get better but I don’t even want them to, I just want my grandmother to come home. I spend my time researching insane things like time travel and communications with the deceased. I related to so much of this article, not even being able to shower or wear pants, let alone parenting and working. I just want to die. Sometimes I wonder if I would kill myself if I wants 8 months pregnant. All I want is to see her face outside of a picture and hear her voice outside of a voicemail.

    • Denise  December 30, 2018 at 9:06 am Reply

      Paige,

      While no one can comprehend your personal grief because our grief stories are all different, just know that we suffer with you. As a community, we’re here for you. Despite it all and how you feel without your precious grandmother, that new baby you’re carrying is a beautiful part of your future. Sounds like things are getting super tough personally and at home. Of course, like the article says, you’re not crazy. It is what it is. It’s horrible to lose someone so near and dear. But, you might consider grief counseling because it let’s you talk to someone who truly cares and can walk you down the painful path you’re on…hand in hand. Some churches offer free access to licensed counselors. Some cities do, too. I only mention this because I finally had to accept real grief counseling as a part of my new life. Losing my best friend to suicide made me practically insane. Yet, I had to keep going in the face of my family, my job, a new lawsuit resulting from his death, etc etc etc. Time made it easier to get from point A to point B without losing my marbles about every little thing, but the emotional mess I had become still made me a recipe for disaster at home with my family, the ones who most needed me to be loving and kind to them.

      My friend died almost 26 months ago. I’ve been in counseling for 25 months, but I’ve only been in specialized grief counseling for 10 months. Yes, it’s literally taken me this long.

      Just know, we love you and feel your pain. You could consider speaking with a medium (not crazy) to help you feel better as well. It helped me so much more. Look for a very reputable one if you do. I can recommend one if you like.

      Peace to your broken heart.

      • June  June 24, 2019 at 9:48 am

        I would love to know who Is your medium . I just lost my husband .

  85. Pam  December 20, 2018 at 6:08 am Reply

    In the summer of 2017, my mom’s Alzheimer’s got worse, she began to wander, ultimately fell, broke her wrist, and also developed pancreatitis. My father, who had cared for her up to that point, realized she needed nursing care that he could not give. (I helped as much as possible, but worked full time and lived over an hour away.) In September, an xray reveal that Dad had “something” in his lung. He had a biopsy that went terribly wrong. The doctor couldn’t get him off the respirator. Dad went from driving, eat well, and visiting Mom every day to being trapped to an oxygen unit in the wall, having a trach put into his neck, and living off a feeding tube through his nose. It was beyond terrible to watch this happening to such a vibrant older man. While Dad was in the hospital, my sister’s husband developed cellulitis across his stomach and the antibiotics he was given weren’t doing much to help his condition. Then my mother-in-law who was also in a nursing home and suffering from dementia (but knew us and could play cards every week) took a turn for the worse and her kidneys began to shut down. She passed away on Oct. 20. Dad passed away about 2 weeks later on Nov. 7. My brother-in-law’s infection got into his blood stream, and he passed away on Nov. 21 at 58 years old. A week later, my husband’s aunt also passed away. Then, on Dec. 6, my mom passed away. We had five funerals in six weeks.

    Today, over a year later and just before the holidays, I googled, “I can’t find my joy.” Your article popped up. This is exactly how I feel. And, yes, I was debating on whether this was still grief or it had moved into depression. I cry every day, but in private now, and usually on my trip to work and home again. People who have not been through a parent’s death truly think that in a year, we should be over it. I have now realized I’ll never be over it. It’s just the way it is. I had my life before. And I have my life now. I hope that there will come a day when I see a sunset and not immediately think it looks like one from when I was young. . .when my parents were still here. I want to find the joy in today.

    • Cheri Marsh  March 22, 2019 at 1:44 am Reply

      Pam, i am so sorry to hear of the loss of both your parents. I just lost my Dad 2 wks ago. No one prepared me for this.. like you said about the sunset, everything makes me think of my Dad or my childhood. Which i guess is ok for now, but I’m not sure if that will change. And someday i will lose my Mom too. I’m reading a book called ‘Resilient Grieving’ by Lucy Hone, PhD Already the first few chapters have given me hope. Life is a hard taskmaster.. at some point we have to make a decision to not lose anything more to what we have lost. I hope you can join me on that journey. Prayers for you!

  86. KRISTINA HARJU  December 16, 2018 at 6:32 pm Reply

    Thank you so much for your article, especially the section below:

    “Life is forever changed and things feel meaningless, gray, and empty……
     You’re confused about your purpose. Everything you knew about life has changed. You’re questioning your faith and life’s meaning. You’re wondering if you are supposed to be getting better and you can no longer see the world in “color”.
    We here at ‘What’s Your Grief’ like to talk about a condition we call ‘Temporarily unable to see rainbows’. Have you ever noticed that many of the resources, articles, books, and materials created to help people who are grieving use images of people staring off at sunsets, standing on a beach, or gazing at the clouds? ”

    I was really beginning to wonder if anyone else out there really understood. My mom passed away on April 14th, 2018. I cared for her for the last 5 years of her life. She was on dialysis 3 days a week and sick most of the time. Fortunately, she died in the comfort of home. My 22 yr. old daughter lived with us, she too going through medical issues and mental. I cared for them both as well as worked full time. After my mom passed, the bills and stuff became overwhelming as i had just refinanced a new lease on a nice car so my mom would be comfortable driving back and forth to hospitals, stuff at my work got crazy and i was used as a scapegoat and my pay was decreased after 5 years with the company doing nothing but excelling in what I was doing and more, going to College part-time as well. My daughter was not helping and couldn’t work she said, couldn’t handle it and was supposedly waiting on social security, i tried two roommates and it just made things worse for me financially and 2 months ago my daughter does a whole 360 overnight leaving me a dear john letter on my pillow stating she moved out and to this day will not talk to me and has spread all kinds of lies about me around town………..I am devastated. So many decisions i had to make immediately and had to move out of my home…..plus started a new job on top of it all, by the way, it is my dream job! Luckily, my beautiful, older sister, told me to come stay with her until i could get back on my feet again or just stay if i want as she too is alone and lost her husband 5 years ago. We all miss him so much.

    Gray….is the only description that comes to my mind about my life….i am struggling daily just to get through it. I am one that has tried to always plan out things and prepare….but so many things got in the way that when all this happened, I was left all alone to deal with so much….to deal with all the debt and still left to try to clean it all up. The loss is huge…..my mom and also my daughter that I thought was so close to me, ended up to be the exact opposite. She ended up being someone I don’t even know, someone that used me and acted exactly the opposite……it is so hard to wrap my head around it all! Gray….it’s all i see. I am a fighter and have always been independent, have dealt with alot of loss through life, my grandmother and father whom were my world and others i loved……but I don’t know, this time is so very different. I feel as though everything i have worked so hard for and the direction i was taking has fallen by the wayside and I can’t feel…….I feel numb…….i don’t want to pretend and just want to be left alone. No I don’t see or want to see beauty in anything right now…..I don’t want to hear its going to be okay…..I don’t want you to worry about me because i chose to stay home and don’t want to go anywhere. I don’t want to talk on the phone all day nor visit or meet people. I just want to be with me…..I just want to grieve the way I need to because I haven’t the chance because you want to keep doing stuff with me, thank you but please just trust me and hear what i am saying. No one can change what has happened, no one can fix the ordeal I am in, no one can give advise what to do to move forward but ME and I know that……..I know what I need to take care of me, I have been doing it for a long time, a lifetime, as well as taking care of others, remember that is what you liked about me? I don’t know how long it will take me to grieve, maybe years, I don’t know but you will know when I come back. I have alot to process and it is not going to be easy and it is going to take alot of work. Everything i knew or thought I knew has changed, it has changed me and i need to find who that is again. Please bare with me, please understand……..let me go find me, not who you think i should be or who you knew…..that person died months ago with my loved ones.

  87. DawnMarie  December 13, 2018 at 7:01 pm Reply

    I lost my husband November 2013, 3 days before Thanksgiving, unexpectedly from a massive seizure, that stopped his heart. He woke me at 1 in the morning to drive him to the hospital, I drove 2 blocks and pulled over, because he was having a seizure, before I could help him, he took his final breath. Paramedics arrived within minutes, and revived him, for 2 days he lingered on machines. I finally requested to have him removed from the machines, after our son’s said goodbye.

    I cannot find a reason to be happy for the holidays, he was my everything, we were inseparable. I don’t want to buried our son’s by being depressed or anxious so I suffer in silence. My son’s are adults, and they have new family to spend time. Add to all of this, I loss my father 35 years ago, and now my stepfather on 12/29/2017 to cancer. I know my mother will be struggling through the holidays as well. I really do not get along with my family, sad but true, which adds to the depression.
    Thank you for letting me get this off of my chest.

  88. KRISTYN HALLIN  December 6, 2018 at 1:31 am Reply

    My husband was paralyzed following a fall from a 16 ft ladder. He is now a complete quadriplegic. I did not lose him to death but I suffered a death. The death of the husband I knew, the death of the perfect marriage and life we had, the death of our future and all that we had planned and my children lost out on the dad they once had. But my grief is always marginalized by people saying, “at least he’s still here…”. But is he? I have become all of the things in this article. I am the person who now has to do everything AND be sole caregiver to my husband. As for moving on…that isn’t possible. I can’t start a new life. I can’t find a new man to be with me and help me to begin my next chapter. I am in limbo and yes, he is still here but really I lost him as if he had died.

    • Irma  February 19, 2019 at 2:01 pm Reply

      Kristen , KRISTEN, i am a mother who has lost a son, to a horrific motorcycle accident, he is no longer with me, i will never be able to hear his beautiful voice, smell, touch, i can not imagine what you are going through, but do not say it’s like death, your husband is still with you and your family, how about how he feels, do you really think this is what he wants, i hope you stick with this so called love of your life, for better or worst, in sickness and in health, both of you can heal from this, you can not heal a broken heart when someone passes away.. your children and husband need you…. do not give up, please

  89. Chelsea Lynn  December 2, 2018 at 5:24 pm Reply

    Thank you so much for this post. I can relate to so many of the comments. My dad died about 5 months ago, and I just feel like the pain is getting worse everyday. It’s starting to get extremely difficult to function each day knowing he’s gone, but I have bills to pay. Hopefully, the emotions will eventually “level” out. Thank you!

  90. Lisa  December 2, 2018 at 8:54 am Reply

    Hi, sadly what you did not mention is when your only child (25yrs old) has been killed (auto accident) and you have to go to work and be around people who do nothing but talk about their kids in the office and cubicles you have to live in. !! 🙁 it’s terrible every day to be reminded of the death and hear their great life. How do you get over that?

    1
  91. Lissa  November 29, 2018 at 7:17 pm Reply

    Thanks, I found this really helpful, sadly like me you really know what it feels like. I read this site a lot. Your words say exactly how I feel. Crazy with grief for the loss of my husband just over a year ago and still I can’t accept it.

  92. Charles  November 20, 2018 at 8:37 pm Reply

    I want to die !! In 5 years my loss has taken me to hell. I had the big home nice cars ski boat it was a good life. Until death started stalking my life !! It started with my beloved aunt found her dead in her home. One year later my father died in my home next to me. Six months later my sister I found dead in her bed with tv on and remote in hand. A year later my mother died in my home of bone cancer. Then to top it all off my only child hits national news because she is killed leaving her hotel in Texas. They said she was struck by at least 8 vehicles. With the cost death has burden me with I am homeless now. I was power of attorney of both parents that I diaperd and bathed plus getting my 27 year old daughters body back to my state. The cost of care was out of control. Now I am trying to figure out if this life of mine is even worth continuing. I am not needed anymore there forth I have no worth to anyone. I wanna go home !!!!

    • Anne  November 21, 2018 at 12:37 pm Reply

      Wow.i can imagine your pain I just want to encourage you. Things often happen for a reason, even though the things might not be the best. Once there is life, there is hope. Just trust in God. I pray he should confort you. He always makes a way for things even when it seems like there is no hope ahead. My condolences to you.

      • joanie adams  January 9, 2019 at 8:14 pm

        I cant believe that was your response to this woman after ALL she revealed.

    • Kimberly  November 22, 2018 at 4:28 am Reply

      Charles, I thought I was the only one that has repeatedly gone through the grief process. I lost my 10 week old baby girl to SIDS in March 1985. Two years later I lost my almost six year old boy. He had hemophilia. Then in April 2018 my husband of nearly 40 years of marriage committed suicide. Grieving doesn’t get any easier the more times you go through it.

    • Kay Huddleston  November 28, 2018 at 3:01 am Reply

      Boy I promise you that you are not alone. I am so sorry. I think the worst thing is what you expect your friends to do or your family. It’s like they are unsure. One thing that helped when my PUNCHES kept coming was to realize that I was being lead. I thought I was leading. It’s so hard to see change. The losses come so close that you have no time to grieve!!! We don’t do death correctly. We miss these people do bad. One thing is the time you please take to rest and know you haven’t lost anything. You have yourself. You are in for a chapter where YOU have been given a huge responsibility!!! Someone soon is going to need your great wisdom. Only you can understand them help them. It’s an honor to go on and say hey, I made it through that. That thing the one they call life. I understand is not something people should say but people do. They just don’t show it. Go get a group help. I did not like private help. Hospis is great and if you don’t like one turn over every stone find the right fit. Rest. It’s not your fault. Praise God you were there to mover the human vessels of life through this reality nobody would. You will smile again and yes everyone is ok. They really are. It’s you who need to wait tge miracle is on its way. Prepare to be amazed. You don’t need all that stuff. Slowly it will come back. Be patient. Praying for the most incredible strength. So proud of you.

      • AHaley  December 14, 2018 at 4:14 pm

        Kay Huddleston, I think you are right. I read the article by Charles and I could see why he said, “…death started stalking my life.” So many deaths in such a short time, and to take everyone that was so close to you. I can only imagine that kind of pain and loneliness. But do I believe that in our lives we experience themes. Personal struggles that have a theme to them. In this case, death and grief are Charles’ struggles right now, and a theme that he has experienced for the last 5 years. However, by overcoming the depression that comes with loss & grief, Charles- you can be a great inspiration to others. I think all of the advice Kay gave you about resting, and reaching out for help are essential. Please don’t give up Charles. Holidays are the hardest for people grieving, but you are not alone. The next theme in your life could be how you now help others and are a motivator to those who are going through what you are currently experiencing.

  93. Barry A Garland  November 13, 2018 at 7:34 pm Reply

    My wife passed Nov 4 2018. I found her on recliner cold and unresponsive..called 911 and pulled her on floor as told and started cpr but she was gone. She began having mental issues since 2016 that increased until her death..she stopped eating and drinking. Had her in and out of hospitals the month of October for dehydration..Finally got appointment with psychiatric doctor ans she was gone before it happened…I will never be the same

    • Christine McDaid  November 17, 2018 at 3:45 pm Reply

      My husband passed away 3 weeks ago and I am absolutely devastated.
      I keep panicking because I have to sort out so much I am now going down the road of probate which really scares me as never had to do it before.
      My life feels on hold at the moment I feel sick numb and useless.
      It must get easier in time.
      All the best xx

    • cathy falzone  November 19, 2018 at 8:45 pm Reply

      My husband/soul mate died last month. I know exactly how you feel.

    • Bia  November 20, 2018 at 10:53 pm Reply

      My mom died in Nov 4 2018 too, I’m sixteen and my father died when I was a baby. My aunt died one day after my mother’s funeral… I feel so lost. Everything seems empty. It’s like everything is changing so fast and I’m just being dragged by all this change to somewhere I don’t know. I feel different, worst in some way. Like, I’m in a “friends with benefits” relationship with my ex, I’m kissing guys I don’t truly know. I think I’m in decandency and I dont know how to stop…

    • Kay Huddleston  November 28, 2018 at 3:11 am Reply

      Barry I am so sorry. You know what. You won’t be the same but in your deepest saddness it’s not your fault. She was finished here. You strong person you. Time helps. But grieve as you are and know I promise you will get through this. What a huge honor to be with her. I was with my mom my everything when she passed quickly. It’s going to take a while to understand or smile or understand others reactions. If you let her go just a tad everyday did you know she will never leave. You are truly loved by the Lord. He will keep you going. What a lucky girl she was and is. You rest and sge is with you so she never really left.

  94. Ethan  November 12, 2018 at 4:09 am Reply

    Im 19 and my mum died in oct 2017, 1 year ago when I was 18. She was 47, smoker but non drinker. She passed unexpectedly in her sleep due to heart issues. 1 year on I still have days just like the day we found her but if you are mentally strong you will learn to cope with the pain. My experience is it gets harder then easier, but I am still grieving.

    • Kay Huddleston  November 28, 2018 at 3:20 am Reply

      Ethan my mom died my life died to for awhile. It was 3 years before I could smile. It gets better I promise you. It takes time. The vessel of which we enter earth has passed. I am very confident you are a mature young man whom she us proud. Lean in on God . Truly appreciate your story. I don’t feel so alone. Praying for strength. Rest and give it time. It will be excruciating in the coming months but you can do this!!!!!

  95. Laurie  October 31, 2018 at 8:14 pm Reply

    My husband passed away 1 yr and 5 months ago tomorrow. I’ve know other women who’ve lost their husbands but noone had as good a relationship as my husband and I. I didn’t think I’d ever find someone who really understood how I felt until I read some comments. My husband was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer yet I couldn’t believe that he would really die. I had been the sick one for several years of our marriage. He took me to at least two apts a week. Would pick me up off the floor when I would pass out. He always took care of me. Even after he got sick he still tried. The hardest part was trying to care for him being as sick as I am. But I did the best I could. Hoping every day we would go together. I don’t know if I have a gift or if it’s because we were so close but I have seen him a few times since his death. I once felt him touch my arm only to realize he wasn’t really there. I still hear him inside my head making comments and once after days of looking for something I asked him where it was and he showed me. I often feel crazy but have talked to counselors and was told I’m not. I just don’t know if I can ever feel a little normal again. I’m the only widow I know who hasn’t gotten rid of her husband’s clothes. His jacket is still hung on the same hook next to the door. I’ll never really accept that he’s gone.

    • Chantal  November 3, 2018 at 10:05 am Reply

      Omg I tghought I wrote this story .
      My husband and I had 36 years of an amazing ride. I was the one sick. During our life.
      For the last 6 years he worked every day at Zales 24/7 with 3 cancers ,till one morning going to work ,he looked at me and said called 911 I cannot move my neck .
      When they put him on a stretcher. I cried bc I finally realized how thin he was. I wonder and everybody else, wherevhe got the strength to go to work. He wanted to make sure I was financially able to go on. But I would give my life to hold him one more time .
      He fought 42 days in the hospital having aneurysms.
      While they gave them steroids for his brain he got pancreatic cancer 2. When he heard it he gave up.
      3 days later he lost all his motor skills but not his brain.
      I finally did what he asked me to do ,cut his life support.
      I feel so guilty bc I didn’t want to see how sick he was bc we were supposed to finish our lives together.
      I hold him ,I kissed him for 20 minutes, while he was crying but he could no more. After that I stayed alone with him for almost 4 hours .
      He died 14 months ago and I cannot get over his death. The silence , his smile, his love .
      The kids are far away and don’t understand my grief.
      He was my love, my everything.
      I want him back.

    • ve  December 29, 2018 at 9:47 am Reply

      Laurie,
      I am so sorry for your loss and I do understand your pain and where you are in your life.
      I lost my loving husband of 27 years to Esophagus cancer one year and five months ago. I did not go to work but stayed by my husband side at our house and cared for my husbands every need and spend every second with him. Watching my husband suffer such a horrible death was the most traumatizing, horrifying gut wrenching pain imaginable. My husband died in my arms last year and I still can feel him taking his last breath. My pain is so deep that I feel like I can’t breathe. I have not put my husband’s clothes away and I have not touched anything in my home. Although I have broken quite a few things, most things actually. My husband and I like you and your husband did everything together. He was a loving caring tender man and I absolutely hate life without him. As a matter of fact I still sleep downstairs in a huge recliner because there are certain things I can’t even touch or look at. One of the things that anger me the most is when I hear someone say something stupid like at least you got to say goodbye to him. Or that I was lucky that I got to say goodbye to him. I have never heard something so idiotic in my entire life. Watching someone that you love so deeply die a slow horrible death is like having your insides ripped out of you, every day.
      Since I have lost my husband, I have not leaned on my family or friends for anything. I am not the type of person who graves in front of others or feels the need to be surrounded by others. I have bared my grief and my pain alone which was my choice. The reality is no one understands you’re grieving, or in the absence of not knowing what to say, they say something so horrible or misinformed, That it simply
      Reinforces your decision to grieve alone. I have since returned to work but I have a new job because I feel like I can’t function normally. I have taken care of everything in my life by myself from day one, I’m not the type of person that leans on anyone or ask anyone for anything . Not that there’s anything wrong with asking family and friends for help but it isn’t in my nature. I’m not sure about you Laurie but my friends and family constantly believing that they have advice or opinions to give me as to what I should be doing and how I should be living my life is starting to aggravate me to a point that I’m becoming aggressive towards them. The constant you need to get out and you need to be with friends and you need to do this and you need to do that. And then following it up with a, I’m just worried about you or I care. When the reality is, I’m not calling them and leaning on them in anyway. I still take care of my life in my household. It seems more to me that because they miss sharing time with me that my grieving is some type of inconvenience in their life.
      Or that they just want me to stop grieving and tell them that I’m OK and pretend for their sake that everything is back to normal. It makes me angry and I would prefer that they just leave me alone. The reality is they don’t understand my grief my pain or what my husband and I suffered. I know more than anyone else what is good for me. Are you experiencing anything like this Laurie? Are people treating you as though you should be over it, As if there’s some type of statute on grieving?
      Again, I am truly sorry for what you’re going through but you were not alone. God bless you Laurie and everyone else who is suffering that I have read your blogs.

  96. Carolyn Tolliver-Lee  October 23, 2018 at 11:35 am Reply

    In less than 60 days it will the first anniversary death of my husband of 37 years. Just as the seasons have changed since last December. So has my ability to manage my life and my grief! At first I lived in shock. Shock that this man whom I had care for and advocated for had died. How could he have done such a thing? Didn’t he know all I had done and was doing was because I wanted and needed him to live? How could he had not known that? All the times I stopped whatever I was doing to rush to be at his bedside in hospitals emergency rooms. At the drop of a hat I would rush to the nursing home whenever they called me. How I would firmly and boldly tell his medical team what I thought needed to be done to restore his health condition. All the phone calls to friends and family members to join me in prayer so God would restore him! I wanted him to live! I wanted him to be here with me! Call it selfish if you like. But I never saw him dying because I wanted him to live. Death was not a part of my agenda. Death was not on my radar! How could this have happened to him-to me-to us? I was doing all I could!!
    Did we loose the battle? Did he forfeit his right to live? Did we give up? Did I stop believing in God’s power to restore and heal? I never saw death. I only saw life. I only saw him living regardless of his medical condition. I saw life.
    But that day, the last day of his life. I knelled down at his bedside. He laid there so feeble, so frail, so weak and lethargic. It was different from another time that I had ever seen him before. I didn’t recognize him. I never seen him like this before. I called his name and asked him to “wake-up, because I wanted to see his eyes. and I wanted him to see me.” He did-barely. He never blinked, just a far away look. But I believe he heard me. He heard me and saw me for the last time. This was our good-bye!

    • Deanne  October 27, 2018 at 1:53 am Reply

      Your story touched me as it captured many of the same emotions I felt before my husband died in May 2018 and how I feel still. Death wasn’t on the agenda. It was inconceivable. How could he leave me. It wasn’t possible. Not us. We were special. This just doesn’t make sense. I fought for him. I made stupid bargains with myself if only he wouldn’t die. I would be a better person. I would do this I would do that. Because he just couldn’t leave me. My whole existence – our whole existence focused on beating this cancer. Why oh why couldn’t he have used my passion for his life to stay with me. To not succumb. Can he see me now. Can he see my despair. How much I miss him. How much I ache. How empty and lost I am. How broken I am. On his last day in the ICU when the Dr said “he is dying” I said I’m not ready I want him to open his eyes one more time. I want to see him, I want him to see me. And he did open his eyes for a brief moment. I’m exhausted by my grief. By the unrelenting horror of it all which does not give a moment’s waking peace. It consumes me. My heart goes out to you and everyone who suffers such loss. I feel hopeful by reading comments that the intense pain should diminish its just a tough and lonely road to that spot.

      • Denise  January 4, 2019 at 7:19 pm

        We spend 30, 40, 50 years becoming more and more ‘one flesh’; one person; one purpose. Then death rips us apart and we are literally walking around like a person cut in two, and we wonder why is this so hard???? Of course, it is impossible! But with God, nothing shall be impossible. God is the only One with an answer; the only One who is the answer.

    • Kay Huddleston  November 28, 2018 at 3:37 am Reply

      You are an amazing woman. I am so sorry!!! You are a wonderful writer. You have a book in you. Expression in grief and replies to others help so much. You are saying what everyone feels at least how I feel. It’s still new you are strong.

  97. Jessica Ann Doerfler  October 20, 2018 at 5:35 pm Reply

    I lost my grandma Evans 3 years ago by death on September 28th at the age of 99 and I sure do miss her so much it hurts.

  98. Brad Ronevich  October 8, 2018 at 1:37 am Reply

    This article is amazing! Here I thought I was the exception!? My mother was diagnosed with stage 4 colo-rectal cancer in June. She was given 2 to 4 months to live. As she was leaving her diagnosis appointment they took a blood test on the way out, They called the next morning and told her to go to the closest hospital. Her sodium was dangerously low (105- Normal is 135-145). We put her in the Cleveland Clinic where my uncle was fighting for his life with a very rare case of Bullous Pemphigoid. He was in their ICU for over 100 days. My mom was in the hospital for 6 days and she passed away from complications from Sepsis. I was called that she had a respiratory arrest during a CT scan. I arrived at the hospital to see her intubated, external pacemaker(being shocked 60 times a minute to keep her heart beating), on full inotropes to increase her heart rate and contractility, and medicine that brings her blood pressure up. You see I’m an ICU nurse and I’ve seen this many times. I was finally living what my patients and their families have gone through, it was awful. To see my Mother the sweetest woman in the world, being shocked , it killed me inside. I was devastated . My Rock was gone. I asked them to turn off the machines and she dies within 3 minutes, 9 days after diagnosis my Mom was gone. For whatever reason i thought I was read to return to work after 6 days. Boy was I wrong. You see I own a full time business and work as a full time RN as well. I’m a busy guy. I guess I figured if I buried my grief in work it would eventually go away. It didn’t. I was cloudy and distracted. I don’t believe I did anything wrong at work, but I wasn’t charting very well. I was taken on the schedule and I am still not back on it after 8 weeks, I’ve also had a ton of screw ups in my business. I’m in financial ruin, my marriage is under pressure and one of my two children wont talk to me! ` TIm so depressed there are days I dont want to get out of bed and I feel like I can never sleep. HOWEVER if there is one thing I leave you with… YOUR the boss of you! You can do this and NEVER give up hope. Neither my Mom nor my Uncle would have wanted this to happen to me. I will conquer my problems and I WILL return to work!

  99. stephanie  October 5, 2018 at 6:00 pm Reply

    I have read each and every single post on here before leaving my own. My GOD this sucks sooo bad!! I too feel like my heart has been ripped right out my chest. My Dad, my hero, passed away June 1st 2018 totally unexpectedly. He woke up one morning and went to work like he did every single day for as long as I can remember but never made it home. He was only 66 and in great shape, healthy, never smoked, didnt drink, and though he had a very mild heart attack 24 years ago there were no known of issues going on. Well something went terribly wrong that day and before he got in his car to drive home he collapsed. By the time my family and myself arrived at the hospital he was gone. It has been exactly 18 weeks today and I still feel exactly the same way I did the first week. It doesn’t get easier!!!! It fucking gets harder and harder. My poor mom!!! she’s so lonely even though we try to keep her company and keep her as busy as possible. Her and my DAD were always together. He was her everything. When I tell you my Dad was the greatest man that ever walked this planet, I am not exaggerating. He was truly the most loving and caring husband, father, grandfather, and friend one could ever have the pleasure of knowing. I love and miss him so much it really fucking hurts. He is on my mind allllll day everyday. I sometimes still think I dont believe the reality. I still wake up thinking its just a terrible dream and then I get sucker punched in the throat again and have to go on and fake another day. As far as anger? I fucking hate everybody. Everyone annoys me, I dont give a shit about anybody else other than my family and sometimes in my mind wishing bad upon others. I often think to myself why couldn’t it be that guy and not my father. I hate GOD!!! He leaves all of these scumbags on earth that are worthless shit heads but takes a good man from us way to soon!! And fuck!! the way it happend??? it doesnt get any more screwed up than that. Look I can go on and on for days. I dont see any fucking colors or rainbows in the future. Maybe 20 years from now this will get easier but for now I will be thinking shut the fuck up when you talk to me, i will be thinking go to hell when your in my face, and the anger will be there forever.

    • Shelley  December 29, 2018 at 12:16 pm Reply

      I’m so sorry! I lost my dad on April 22, 2018. He was my hero too. A Vietnam Vet, a retired Fire Fighter! My mom & him were inseparable. The epitome of what a marriage should be. He was the kind of Dad & Grandfather that got down on the floor with all the kids. The most amazing man I’ve ever known!! He had heart issues & ended up in the hospital for SEVEN months following his 4th open-heart surgery!! We had him home for 7 more months but he never really recovered. He passed at home with my mom & I by his side. I replay his dying moments over & over in my mind. The holidays suck without him. I just want them to be over already. He will forever be my Hero!!

  100. Texas Betty  October 3, 2018 at 10:43 pm Reply

    I lost my brother on july 29th 2018. We were 10 years apart to the day. He was in a car accident that killed him instantly less then 5 miles from home. He was only 17. I feel so lost so robbed so angry. I feel like he never had a chance and i wish that it could have been me on those back roads. Lord knows it should have been several times. We lost our father march 10th 2018 and my dog of 12 years 2 days before our birthday. Its been a very tough year. And some days i just feel like im broken. Like someone just took my heart from my chest and all thats left is a bleeding jagged hole.

  101. Deana M  September 20, 2018 at 12:11 pm Reply

    This is beyond grief I can’t stop crying I’m lazy I’m listless I lash out I saw I miss JT so much it hurts every part of my body I have a huge hole in my heart in my throat I have never experienced this in my life I’ve lost my parents many relatives friends John was my boyfriend of 5 years. We split up a few times but got back together little Reef the day before he died I have no answers his parents shut me out nobody told me anything that we let me go to the services. John and I were complete opposites, but we had an amazing chemistry! )I met him 35 years ago, and thought of him off and on through the years, and then we ran into each other five years ago both divorced not looking for anybody started an immediately relationship like teenagers he loved to hold me hug me, would watch together or go for walks together. My heart aches I don’t even go out unless I have to. It’s not like I’m a child from a 56 year-old woman raised my kids, Was so fearful that they wouldn’t accept John and they did . I just wish she was sleeping approved it was Soul life after death signs nothing there and then spend two and a half months since his passing. I pretend he’s still alive I know that sounds silly.

  102. Jen  September 4, 2018 at 3:32 pm Reply

    I lost my best friend/sister last October, she was only 66, cancer. I live in GA and she was in TN. I would go to take her to treatments for weeks at a time until my daughter had to have a major surgery in July. My daughter went manic and we had to stay in a mental clinic in Houston to experience Hurricane Harvey. Returned back to GA and my brother phones also lived in TN to explain he was not doing well. I drove up and attempted to find the correct doctors although it would take a month to get an appt. His wife took him to a ER, horrific place, and my brother had told me if he went there he would die.. He did, the week before Thanksgiving. He was only 56. My mother moved to Fl to live with my sister and her health has suffered to the point that now she is in a horrible assisted living not receiving the proper care. Week to week we just don’t know what to expect. Half the time I speak with her she remembers, I drove down in July to see her in the ER and she has no recollection of my visit. My daughter now 18, has been to many specialist and we have learned that two sectons of her brain are inactive. She has extreme manic/rage issues, attempted to murder me and now is off to college in NC?! Her boyfriend of 3 years introduce her to drugs, and detest me. My daugher has to take 14 holistic vitamins a day, 3 liquid. Her dad has anger issues and only enhances the extremes.. He is mentally abusive and I still think he is the love of my life! HA! I am and always have been a single mom. I left my job to be a full time mom when my daughter was 6. Now I am 56, lost and each job lead seems like a black hole. I cannot seem to get over the saddness, loss, depression the list goes on. I try to escape with alcohol which only temporay relieves the pain..

    Thank you for allowing me to share. I used to be a very strong person, have seen many therapist, tried anti-depressants.

    Now feeling hopless and worthless.

  103. Jeanie  August 17, 2018 at 5:54 pm Reply

    I’m falling apart my husband is dying. Caring for him is overwhelming. I know I am suffering from anticipation of what lies ahead. I feel sick each minute fearful every moment. This feels like it will kill me before him. I feel it physically. I cannot remember ever being calm…for a moment of calm I would give anything. I don’t feel like I can go on yet I must..can anyone help me

    • jackie jameson  November 4, 2018 at 8:29 am Reply

      I am here for you. Tell me what is happening now.

    • denny  December 11, 2018 at 11:37 pm Reply

      I understand you being overwhelmed with being the caregiver. My dad the last week he was alive was overwhelming. Dad was beyond restless. Up all night constantly pulling on the bed covers and falling out of bed. I would go into his room because he was calling everyone’s names who had died as well as all of us, his children. It was devastating. No sooner would I get him back settled in the bed and go back to my room right next to his and he was back either on the floor trying to crawl someplace and calling out more names. It was physically draining. I wanted to soothe my dad but I couldn’t. I learned later my dad was actively dying. My dad was in home hospice care at the time. After my siblings, against dad’s wishes, my siblings placed dad in a nursing home. As bad I hated that , at least I had professional help so I was able to do things for my dad that otherwise would not have been possible. The help at the nursing home was amazing but I felt so bad because dad wanted to die at home . My dad never wanted to what he considered “burden” his children caring for him. I considered it an honor and privilege. I miss my dad terribly and so happy I was able to take part in caring for my daddy.

  104. More questions than answers  July 19, 2018 at 12:50 am Reply

    I lost two high school classmates to suicide years ago. I was friends with one and acquaintances with the other. What I can’t figure out is why the death of both of these boys absolutely destroyed me and why I’m still grieving their loss. We weren’t very close friends, and I certainly wouldn’t put myself in either of their close circles. I never dated them, I’d never been to either one of their houses. And yet, the death of the two of them, just weeks apart my senior year of high school, destroyed me. I’ve since put myself back together, and career wise, I’m a successful adult. But I still think about them all the time. They’re in the back of my mind, and I just, I’m not sure what to do or think because in most ways, they aren’t mine to grieve. They were classmates of mine, we said hi in the halls, but we weren’t close, and I certainly don’t feel as though I’m entitled to grieve over them. They aren’t mine to grieve. Their siblings and their mothers and their relatives, those people have a right to grieve. I didn’t know either one that well. I just don’t get it. I know grief is different for everyone, I just don’t understand the way their deaths affected me so deeply and intensely, when I didn’t have a deep or intense relationship with either one.

    • Jenn  June 24, 2019 at 9:00 am Reply

      You may be a medium or empath dear .

  105. Tim D  July 10, 2018 at 9:53 pm Reply

    we lost my 12-year-old grandson last January I have a lot of depression anxiety panic attack PTSD and other disorders caused from being in the military my youngest son needed some help so I came back to Michigan from Tennessee to help my son in doing so I found myself permanently transplanted back to Michigan I live with my daughter and her family for almost 3 years and I was just getting to know my grandkids I moved out and my daughters home in December 2017 with having made a lot of promises to My grandson and many times I had to break my promises for one reason or another either because he was grounded and couldn’t you’ll go and do anything or because I had things come up and I had to take care of her but I always thought I would have plenty of time to do things with him and take him to hunt did you do shoot a bow taking Payton to take them out in the woods in and enjoying natur my grandson and many times I had to break my promises for one reason or another either because he was grounded and couldn’t really go and do anything or because I had things come up and I had to take care of her but I always thought I would have plenty of time to do things with him teach him to hunt teaching him how to shoot a bow and arrow taking him fishing and just taking him out in the woods and enjoying nature my Older son got in contact with me later that day or the very next morning to tell me that my younger grandson his sisters son had passed away unexpectedly and suddenly with all the medical problems that I am caused by the military and leave that being able to for older son got in contact with me later that day or the very next morning to tell me that my younger grandson his sisters son had passed away unexpectedly and suddenly with all the medical problems that I am caused by the military and leave that being able to fulfill My promises that I have made to this boy it is actually put me over-the-top in my group and my problems there is an a day goes by now that the slightest little thing starts me crying I can’t talk about it without having a hard time to speak because of the crying and the grief that I have every time my daughter write a post on Facebook speaking about her feelings and the sense of extreme loss of her son where she puts a picture of something he did when he leaves younger and has a caption under it I get so tense up inside and I cry for hours I don’t know how to get past this one I’ve gone through a lot in my life I’ve had a lot of loss I’ve had a lot of grief and pain suffering but I’ve always managed to get past this one is really giving me an extremely hard time to get through it I have psychology counselors I have psychiatrist that I talk to our time and just plain counselors to help me with many things when I feel I may have the strength to get past this one something else happens for somebody says something or picture is posted not necessarily of my grandson or about my grandson but you’re staying showing a man and a child fishing I just don’t know what to do anymore of this one I’ve never had this type of group even when I lost my mother I did not have this type of grief and it seems that I am not strong enough to cope with it I fear the unknown as to what’s going to happen in my future with all this because I don’t know how to come to grips with that I do the best I can to try to be there for my daughter and my other kids and all my grandkids but this one I don’t know I don’t know how I’m gonna get through it I’ve had grief counseling with my counselor to my psychologist and I get to point where I start to feel pretty good but then something is sad or I see something or something is done and it throws me right back into the pain of the loss of my 12-year-old grandson it’s not right we shouldn’t be burying our kids and our grandkids our children and grandchildren are supposed to outlive us I know eventually I will be able to live with it and cope with it for at least Waze I hope so but until that day comes how do I live with the Day to day grief and pain that keeps swelling up inside me every time I see anything that remotely remind me of my field promises to my grandson how do we cope with it how do we bear through it is there any certain ways that we can learn to cope with it or do we just have to take Life as it comes in hopes that it will slowly get easier to cope with

  106. Broken  June 23, 2018 at 3:29 am Reply

    I lost my sweetest friend just over two months ago. It seems no time has past. I don’t know how I’ve made it through two months. First, I was traumatized, doctor mistake. I’m not getting past the memories of his pain and watching him die by doctor mistake. I’ll have a good memory and cry a lot. I feel it is my fault for taking him to that doctor. I’m finding it hard to imagine doing anything without him. When I do things without him, it feels empty and quiet. So used to having him very close to me all the time. I keep thinking about going with him, but I don’t do it. There’s no contentedness without him and no joy. I can’t imagine any in the future either. He was in all my future plans, from waking, to breakfast, to all.

  107. Kris  June 11, 2018 at 11:00 am Reply

    I lost my daughter to trisomy 18 three days after she was born last month. Despite of knowing that she will have a short life span, nothing could have prepared me from her passing. Everyday I cry and I always felt guilty that maybe I could have done something more since we have elected palliative care for her. My faith is also shaken right now. I also feel crazy. I have been entertaining thoughts of being with her. The only thing that stops me from acting on it is my son who is only 12 years old. However, I feel miserable and it seems like my grief is not getting better.

  108. Miranda Clayton  April 7, 2018 at 12:52 pm Reply

    My complicated grief started two years ago. In November 2015 my father died in hospital after a surgical procedure went awry and we asked them not to proceed, but they did anyway. Eight weeks later my dear sweet beloved cherished sister MY PAL die in hospital, she took ill over the christmas period and she died attached to an automatic drugs dispensing machine. Ten weeks later my dear sweet beloved mother died in the care home where she was kept against her will, in April 2016. My mother too died attached to an automatic drugs dispensing machine. I never knew my father’s family and most of the aunts and uncles had already died. My mother’s family acted like uncaring selfish brutes and they made some VERY BIZARRE excuses NOT to help whilst my sister and mother was STILL ALIVE. The excuses that were hurled at me were “I have to go now someone is knocking on the door,” another excuse was “I am going to a St. Valentines meal.” another excuse was “I have seen no letter,” another excuse was COMPLETE IGNORANCE and the excuse that was made directly to my mother was “I have Kirstie to look after.” Kirstie is an ADULT. Also, “I am visiting my friend in Oxford.” They ALL gatecrashed my sister’s funeral and they were having a ball in the cemetery just enjoying themselves and laughing, because they are WEIRD. Not one of them expressed any sympathy to me or offered condolences, they just gawped at me. When they discovered my mother had died, I received a threatening call from a male member of my mother’s family; threatening that they were getting ready to gatecrash my mother’s funeral. I could NOT stand yet another mashing of their insults and cruel behaviour, so I told this person that they are not coming and I doubly ensured that there were no leaks regarding my mother’s arrangements. They went behind my back and pestered the funeral parlour for details, which I had already instructed them to tell nobody and explained why. My mother’s family are cruel and evil and I want no part of them for the rest of my life. They thought that they could use me as a scapegoat and they got it wrong. Now I am thrust and forced into living the life of a hermit because I have NO CHOICE. and the more I move away from this period, the harder it gets for me and I cry all the time, am really sad about everything. I am still wearing the same old pants; they do get washed now and again, but like I said, it is a GREAT EFFORT for me to do any chores and the more chores I do, the more depressed I get. Two years on, NOTHING has changed with me, it might as well have been yesterday. I break down when I go to the cemetery, so I try not to go because people stare at me and I am conscious about my loud wailing. My life has come to an end, because I hate going out in public, I miss my family, I desperately miss MY PAL. I have no future, it is like sitting in a waiting room waiting for my turn to be called. Hooking up with another man is NOT a solution for me so I am not on my own, as I have had two failed marriages already, don’t feel like it a third time.

  109. Jess  January 20, 2018 at 12:28 am Reply

    I lost my grandma about 2 weeks ago. She looked after me since I was 11 after my mom passed tragically in a drowning accident. My grandma also passed suddenly she wasn’t young, she was 92 and had lived a very long life. But there was this part of me that had hoped she would live forever. I think the trauma of losing my mom so young and never having a real father ignited abandonment fears. I am fortunate to have an extremely loving bf in my life. But theres still this pronounce pain and loss of a woman that’s been in my life since I was born. She was my everything I spend every holiday with her till I was 11 when I then lived with her. I’m now 30 and feel I should be able to grow a pair and understand that she was an old woman who had lived her life. But I’m just so lost, I held her hand till she passed that was hard watching her last breathe. I was in healthcare for years and watched many people pass but when it’s your own loved one it’s a whole different pain. I quit my job last year because I couldn’t handle watching people pass anymore and then this happened. I feel broken but yet I’m pushing myself numbingly through an intense trade school program. I’m in the middle of the drama that comes around wills and greed within families. I’m exhausted and feel like I’m actually nuts. Grief is never something that can be fully explained but there is always a sense of relief to be able to relate with others like through this site. I wish you all the love and strength through your losses.

  110. smm  November 26, 2017 at 6:14 am Reply

    My mom passed away Aug. 5th. this year. I never ever thought it would be this difficult. She lived with me, actually we have never been apart. We have always lived together. I am 50 now and alone, no kids. I have siblings that are married with kids so they get to move on. However, my whole purpose has disappeared.

    I got through the first Thanksgiving okay, almost numb like it was very weird. What really frustrates me is other members of the family making comments like “she is with us today” and “this is the new norm” (that one was said over and over. I wanted to scream. I am sure it was their way of getting through the day but for me it was not helpful at all. First of all I don’t believe she was with us and I am not ready to accept this is the new norm.

    I have no questions, just needing to vent

    • James E Avcin  December 10, 2018 at 3:01 pm Reply

      I too lost mom 3 months ago, nothing in life seems joyful anymore, I rest a lot and sleep to much now, feels nice when I pretend to leave this life and move to life everlasting some times, sunny nice weather helps me feel better in the living .

  111. Ian Shapiro  October 28, 2017 at 8:27 pm Reply

    My dear Mom passed away 3 months ago, after a 1 and 1/2 year battle with cancer. I lived with her and my Dad over the last decade; my Father died from cancer 6 years ago. Living alone with Mom was at first strained, but with time we got on better and better. then she was diagnosed with colorectal cancer. I was petrified of loosing her and i took me a while to learn how to hide and deal with my fear and my wish to hang on to her. The last 6 weeks everything that could go wrong happened. among other events, she broke her femur 3 times and was not managed properly by the orthopedic surgeons. She experienced excruciating pain whenever moved in bed and morphine and morphine derivatives did little to prevent the pain upon moving. After experiencing a spontaneous fracture (possibly a consequence of the delay in surgery for the previous fracture) she underwent further surgery. She awoke from the anesthetic tapped in a nightmarish existence in which anyone entering her room might be there to inflict pain. She would nod off to sleep and only to startle again and again, sitting up with terror in her eyes, her arms flailing. Her speech became incoherent. And the staff still had to change her position in bed (to prevent bed sores) frequently. She was going through hell and could not be consoled. at times she physically “defended” herself from those who wished to move her. Spending hours with her, seeing her suffer such physical pain and mental anguish, without a way to comfort her and all the time fighting back my tears (and sometimes, a wish to scream) was probably the most difficult thing I have done in my life. Eventually the suffering ended and she drew her last breath. Thus began part 2 of our saga. I identify with “feeling crazy”. I experience anxiety and panic to the extent of not being able to function or think about anything else for 2-3 hours. Other times, at the same time I feel deep sadness and want to fall on my knees and cry,; i feel anxiety and the need to escape (where to?); and I hear emotional music playing in my head and feel bitter-sweet/ sad-happy. WHO IS RUNNING THE SHOW?

  112. Sha  August 27, 2017 at 5:12 pm Reply

    My husband died 7-21-2017 and I feel like I’m stuck, I can’t cry! It’s like I’m stuck! We were together since we were 15 he died at 40 and I have no idea why! Still have a pending death certificate! I lost my best friend ! My love but it’s like why am I not trying! I was at his funeral I saw everything! I just don’t think this is healthy it’s like my mind shut down! I need to find a way out to start grieving

    • Eleanor Haley  August 28, 2017 at 9:18 am Reply

      Sha, often this early after a death you are still in shock. It is not uncommon not to feel the way you expected. If you feel shut down, it can be helpful to go see a therapist or join a support group. To locate one, start by contacting a local hospice or hospital and ask if they have any running or can recommend something. We hope you find some support here on our site as well!

      • mariaa@reforest.com  November 12, 2018 at 1:45 am

        I feel like only person in the world to suffer the loss of my only real, true love, best friend, co-founder and the vision of our business THAT WILL CHANGE THE WORLD!!!! But without my Neil I am trying to hang on with a very painful arrow sticking out of me. Not lethal however!!! unfortunatly…I don’t want to live without MY ROCK!!!! I don’t want to get up in the morning. My guy was so motivating… he brought coffee to my bedside every single morning. WE had a 40 year date…. We so purely and completely. Once two of us have firmly have established their souls joined , blended as one ewithin each other … i feel like I’m out in the universe with him but am stuck here to handle this physical world with all it’s bullshit but also the joy i can’t experience anymore right now…..But should! If he’s inside, part of me… I need to feel the pride and joy in our children, our Grankids.. so he can enjoy or hurt with me! I so love and miss you every minute.

    • Dauphine  December 3, 2017 at 10:16 am Reply

      Hi. My husband passed away on 7-29-17. I am so sorry for your heart. You are still numb. I had a pending death certificate too. You are not alone and the tears will come when your heart is ready. That is a very long time to love someone and then lose them. Somewhere I read that for each year we are together with someone, it takes a month to process their loss, but that is in no way a timetable, because there is no such thing (a timetable) when your love goes. Hugs and sending comfort from my heart to yours.

  113. Mark  August 24, 2017 at 4:54 pm Reply

    Thanks for this.

    I needed to hear that my wife threatening to leave me and our 4 children after the loss of her father was a little bit normal, she is lashing out at everyone, questioning every decision, including marrying me!

    I wish I knew what to say when her statements are contradictory, inflammatory and designed to hurt.

  114. Gwynn  August 19, 2017 at 8:33 pm Reply

    I Lost my husband over a Month Ago,, He was dying of a Heart Attack ,,He complained of Having a” Stomach Ache”,, then he said he couldn’t breathe,,we were on our way to take him to the hospital,,but he insisted on going to the bathroom,, Giving us the Impression he was Okay,, we called 911 and waiting for what seemed to be Forever for them to come,, he kept saying he was Okay,,”I’m Coming” I’m Coming” through the Door,,”Don’t call no Ambulance”!,, we did anyway,,there was,, He kept insisting he was Fine,, and then it got “Quiet”,,I opened the door,, and I knew he was Dying ,and I knew I had to wait for the Paramedics,, and they still hadn’t arrived,, and I couldn’t do “Anything” to stop it,,,,40 (plus) Years My high School Sweetheart Father of Our Children (Now Adults),,My Best Friend,,I couldn’t watch him Suffer,,I couldn’t,,I knew he was about to leave Me and I couldn’t handle it I just couldn’t,,Help Him,, and I feel so “Much Guilt”,, because I stood outside the door,, My God!,,I was afraid to watch him Go,,I was afraid he was going to Die in front of Me and I did not know what to do,, when the Paramedics Came I rode to the Hospital with him ,,his heart stopped on the way there they revived him when we got there,, but he still Passed,,I wasn’t there,, I was Emotionnless, Shocked,,Afraid,,Numb,,I couldn’t even Cry,, it took A week after,, the Day of the Funeral,, for it to Hit Me that he was actually gone,, and since then all I’ve been doing id feeling guilt,, for not Forcing him out that door ,, and not allowing him to go the Bathroom,, for not being in there when he was Leaving Me,, I’ve been told when people are leaving this Life, some like to be Alone,, and that’s why,, he went in there,, and Insisted he was fine,,to Make his peace with God,, I don’t know,, all I know is,,I feel I should have been in there with him ,,I should have Been with him going through that,, instead of not wanting to see him Suffer,, not wanting to see him Leave,, Not believing the Inevitable,, and Now I can’t Stop Grieving,,,, I love Him Completely,,,,I don’t know who I am anymore,, what to do with Myself,,,, I don’t know how to Act,,No desire to Socialize,,They always have a Dinner for the Family After the Funeral,, I couldn’t even go to that,, Wasn’t Hungry,,I’m Lost,,God help Me

    • Ruths  December 15, 2018 at 8:32 pm Reply

      Gwynn, I know that your husband passed away in 2017. I wanted to say that I am truly sorry. I know it is still painful. I also lost my husband just recently. He was my sweetheart to. I met him when I was 15. I joined a grief group. I’m still have a very difficult time. How are you doing now? I know it takes time to grieve . I just want him back.
      Hope you are better .
      Ruth

  115. Jamie Geese  July 25, 2017 at 10:14 pm Reply

    I buried my brother today and the sunset line in here made me laugh out loud in the middle of a panic attack over him being cold and alone. Thank you for reminding me that all of this darkness is normal. He isn’t alone. I’m in the darkness right beside him. No rainbows for a whole but they’ll come back.

  116. Vicki Bee  May 31, 2017 at 1:01 pm Reply

    I don’t understand why I’ll be doing fine (and sometimes even well) in my grief, then one little thing like a Travel Ban (pretending to be the answer for preventing what caused his death in Tower 1) will upset and distress me in ways I can’t even control. Then I feel like I’ve been shunted to the bottom of the hill by an avalanche of agony.
    Everyone online who talks about this stuff like it means nothing, as if NObody lost loved ones on September 11, are completely insensitive to how we feel about using his death and our pain in some gd political GAME.
    Did it ever occur to anyone in this world outside of his family and friends that he was a person w/ some of the same ambitions, hopes and dreams the people in question take for granted every day?
    I just don’t understand why almost everyone treats what happened as if it never happened to a human being and his/her living relatives who have to live w/ what happened, but instead use the terrible thing that happened to him as an opportunity to bash one side of the other in the political arena.
    Right after it happened everyone was united against a common enemy. Now they use our pain and his demise as opportunities to appear hateful of one side or the other. I don’t understand it and it makes me crazy that most people will never see him as a person or at least stop using his death as an excuse to practice hate. Being hateful is one thing he NEVER did. He was exactly the opposite of that, he was happy almost all the time and always wanted to include people in his life. One time he invited some people to come up to his company’s holiday party even though the people in question had quit working at the company bc of bad feelings between the old VP and the ones who quit working there.
    That’s not a sign of a hateful person so why would people want to appear hateful and then say it’s bc of avenging Eric’s death. He wouldn’t want them to do it. He’s want them to do acts of kindness. That’s part of who he was and why I’m so insistent about saying the travel ban is #notinhisname.
    One of his favorite verses:

    ‘He drew a circle and shut me out
    rebel, heretic, a thing to flout
    but love and I had the wit to win
    We drew a circle & shut love in.”

  117. Mary letters  April 24, 2017 at 6:10 pm Reply

    I lost my mum to cancer two months ago, I’m a complete mess, I’m constantly crying, I’ve been to my doctor for help but I’m not getting any help at all, I’m really at a loss as to what to do , I would appreciate some advise.

  118. Katy  November 11, 2016 at 9:05 pm Reply

    My Mum died when I was pregnant, and my grief has been ‘complicated’ to say the least. Every time (even 5 years on) I get triggered or revisited by grief….every single time…I think I have gone crazy, and have clinical depression. The grief feels more like fear for me, fear and depression – I just stop seeing and feeling the good, and then I panic about not feeling good – the feelings don’t seem ‘appropriate’ to the amount of time that has passed. I have to trust that I will come out of it, like I always have – it’s exhausting though. Especially in a culture that is so quick to pathologize any and all kinds of depression and anxiety….it just makes it all that more lonely and frightening, and much harder to trust the process – which in itself causes anxiety!! lol ;( I have a great psychologist to help me with this…still it’s a crazy crazy ride..and I want off it.

    • Janet  June 22, 2017 at 6:57 am Reply

      Katy, I feel exactly the same. I lost my dear mum 2 years ago but feel worse now than I did then. I miss her so much. I have got angry with everyone and my work has been affected. In the past I have suffered anxiety and depression after a death in the family and was terrible after losing my dad. I’m scared of feeling like this in a tunnel and not being able to get out of the other side. It’s been a battle each time. I have just come off anti depressants as I was on them for years and I am trying to get through this bereavement . Mum was my bestest friend and she was always there to say I would be alright an d she can’t say it to me this time! I feel as though I hav’nt grown up.. Like you I can’t see or feel good, I just feel flat. I’m so pleased I have found this site as its a tiny bit comforting that you are not on your own and hits on a lot of the same fears. I have sent it to my sister who feels the same as me.

  119. amanda  July 6, 2016 at 11:40 pm Reply

    I had an ambiguous loss (children abducted) which was never recognised by others and my grief has been disenfranchised for many years by my family and by the nhs, the circle of grief is a vicious circle from which there has been no relief.
    My children despise me, thanks to years of grooming, my family hate me too, thanks to years of manipulation by a sadistic narcissist who was my mother.
    She died being loved by my children, I will die being hated. No one has listened or heard my pleas for help. Now tell me what im supposed to do???

  120. Leticia  June 30, 2016 at 2:13 pm Reply

    I lost my daughter two years ago,she was 22 and mentally challenged there are days that I cry alot and feel like all I want to do is die,I know I shouldn’t feel like that but sometimes the pain is just so unbearable. I have my three children that I have to take car of so I just try and get through another day.

    • Tirhas Gebremedhin  May 1, 2017 at 1:29 pm Reply

      I lost my 22yers.old son.hes my evry thank lm lost i cant go on any more i dont no what to do my hart is brok emty al i want is to die no pont any mor

  121. Pam  June 14, 2016 at 5:58 pm Reply

    Lost my son two months ago in an accident
    Despise this new world of pain
    Want to die but gave another son
    In hell
    All I hope for is reunion after death
    But lost my faith that there is anything after so much agony
    Don’t want to carry on
    Don’t want to be a poor example
    Impaled and on fire every single second in every atom of my being and eternity grinning at me like a skull
    Sucking me in to a life with no joy or hope of joy
    Looking for proof of life after death all day on YouTube
    PTSD from the terrible loss
    Help

    • Eleanor  June 15, 2016 at 12:30 pm Reply

      Pam,

      You are clearly in a lot of pain. First of all I understand that you expressed that your other son is your reason to live, but I have to say f you are having any thoughts of hurting yourself please seek help immediately. You can walk into your local emergency room or call the suicide hotline 1 (800) 273-8255 (if you are in the US) and +44 (0) 8457 90 90 90 (if you are in the UK). If you are elsewhere just google suicide hotline and your country name. It is so common to feel as if there is no way out other and suicide but please know there are ALWAYS other ways.

      Second, please know two things.

      (1) The pain of acute grief should get better. You are in the darkest days right now, but as you learn to live with this loss one day at a time it will get easier to tolerate getting out of bed in the morning.

      (2) If your grief remains intense for longer than you are comfortable with. If you truly feel that you are experiencing PTSD or if you are experiencing thoughts and reactions that cause daily distress and which get in the way of daily functioning, then the best help we can give you is the recommendation and encouragement to reach out to a therapist in your area. You may want to look for someone who specializes in grief and/or trauma.

      I’m sorry for your pain. Hang in there.
      Eleanor

    • Susannah  April 29, 2017 at 5:06 am Reply

      Pam, I am so sad for you. I too lost my younger son in an accident on 4th June 2016. I too have another son, John’s older brother and his best buddy – he is the only reason I stay. I fantasise about dying from an illness that I couldn’t help having – but that would also destroy my James, so I try and stay healthy. I have PTSD and a kind helpful trauma therapist – do you have this? If not, try and get it. It can help a bit. The other thing is you say you have lost faith,but it may be that the focus of your faith may be changing, not totally lost. I know it isn’t for everyone, but I have been able to hear messages from John, through music, through signs, and through a medium. It was such a relief to know he is okayand I cling to that on my real bad days. Most of them! If you would like a name to contact, I would be happy to tell you about a very helpful person. If not, maybe find a spiritualist Church? I know I sound batshit crazy but I know their spirits carry on and are with us; I’ve had proof. It doesn’t stop the grief,the loss, the yearning, the fear, the fury, the every bastard thing that goes with this thing that we have to bear, but it can help. Hang on in there, Mum.

  122. kathy law  May 27, 2016 at 7:01 pm Reply

    Thank you so much, I don’t feel nearly as mad as I did!!! So true, all of it, such a shame noone around me gets it…. All I can say is thank you… K x x

  123. Jayme  May 16, 2016 at 5:08 am Reply

    My only child died it will be 2 years ago next month. She was a beautiful 15 year old girl…she was killed in an accident. Nothing could have prepared me for this. I feel like im going nuts all the time. I feel like some days I’m handling it too well…then other days I’m a mess. The days I feel “too good” I think what an ass I am because I’m actually looking forward to doing something or enjoying a day. I feel crazy all the time and I don’t know who to talk to about it.

    • Litsa  May 16, 2016 at 2:34 pm Reply

      Jayme, have you connected to a counselor at all or gone to a support group? Those can be good places to start, though of course not the solution for everyone! If in person isn’t for you there are places online to connect with others with shared experiences as well. If you are looking for resources let me know and we may be able to point you in the right direction!

  124. Beth Saft  April 2, 2016 at 9:47 pm Reply

    My husband of 40 years was sick only 4 weeks when he died. I have three grown children and four grandchildren. I was fine at first, but as time goes on, it is the little things that make me weepy. I can’t sleep, am lashing out at loved ones and at times, think craziness has set in. My husband spoiled me, he did everything, by that, he took care of the outside of the house and yard, would not let me handle a tool or paintbrush. Soon it will be 10 months since he died and miss him. Is this normal to feel this way?

  125. Crystal C,  November 24, 2015 at 3:35 pm Reply

    I found this blog today while searching the internet for answers on why I have the intense desire to break up with my fiance since my mom died on September 8th. I feel so crazy and out of sorts just like this blog describes. I am so confused right now and wonder if my feelings and desires to leave him are real or whether it is just me shutting everyone out.

  126. Hannah  May 6, 2015 at 11:14 pm Reply

    I think grief has quite literally turned me crazy. Life is so naff now my best friend died 18 months ago at the age of 22. Sometimes I have an overwhelming urge to kill myself so we can have our ashes mixed and be together for eternity. I feel like I literally want to melt my skin off with a blow torch because life hurts so much without her. They say a loved one who has died is now at peace, yet suicide is frowned upon… why aren’t I allowed to be at peace?! I am expected to ‘carry on’ and suffer here for the next 60 years miserable in a life that is not worth living without her.

  127. Samantha  April 29, 2015 at 9:34 pm Reply

    I feel like I am crazy. I keep looking up DSM criteria for disorders, but I just don’t quite match any, but I still feel like something is wrong with me.
    I am 30, my husband died 16 months ago. We were only together 3 months before he was diagnosed with cancer, and died a year later. It was very atypical, we had very little support, I was his sole caregiver, on top of living in a foreign country, and not having a single doctor to take responsibility for his care.
    We were constantly moving cities and countries to different hospitals, so I wasn’t working. Now I am in our house, in a foreign country, cannot legally get a job or even residency, but I just don’t want to leave our home. I feel like this is reasonable, but people act like, why don’t you just go back to America where your family is?
    The house is a mess, I struggle to throw out things I know I don’t want. Bad days I can stay in bed for 6 hours after waking, only to leave bed to buy fries and coca cola as a meal. I’ve put on 10 pounds.
    The first 6-9 months I felt a lot of grief of course, but also a lot of optimism and support from new and old friends. I felt strong and resilient, and often even euphoric. I traveled, socialized, went out partying, and was more sociable than I’d ever been. The world felt warm and loving. I had a string of very brief romantic encounters with several men, and felt buoyed by them.
    Now friends have less time to give, and my attempts to stabilize my life (getting a job here or a meaningful job elsewhere) have totally failed. Even my husband’s estate is still unresolved, so I don’t even have the control of paying my own bills.
    I cry randomly and become incredibly depressed over little things, like a friend or my (very casual) boyfriend canceling plans. I struggle to stick to plans to clean up, eat healthy, exercise or pursue some goal. I feel guilty for not using this time to develop skills like my writing or art which I always wanted more time for. I also feel guilty when my sadness/depression isn’t directly related to my husband. I wonder if I am just lazy and using his death as a crutch. I have no responsibilities and enough money not to worry about working yet, so I also feel like I should be more grateful.
    Is this normal? Can grief manifest as sudden sadness/depression for no reason or a very minor one? I miss him, and feel he is irreplaceable, but I know it is not complicated grief. I feel my life is in a total shambles. I believed I had learned some great lesson in his death, and it would make my life better, giving it purpose, but now I feel like a failure, and especially a failure to live up to the sort of person he was. I struggle day to day, often waking up anxious about how to get through the day and have no more than a few good days at best before a relapse. I guess I want someone to either tell me that my overwhelmed feeling is justified, or if I need to get over myself and pull it together.

    • Litsa  May 3, 2015 at 12:49 pm Reply

      Samantha, I am so incredibly sorry that you have been through such a devastating loss at such a young age. Though there is a common belief that they first year of grief is the hardest, they reality is that sometimes we get the through the first year and it isn’t until the second that we realize we have to adapt to a long term life after loss. Based on what you describe about your life and struggles currently I would strongly suggest you see a counselor. It sounds like there is a lot going on and a counselor would best be able to help you sort through those things and determine steps for moving forward.

  128. MJ  December 30, 2014 at 8:00 pm Reply

    I am still going through a bit of “crazy,” two years after losing my mom (expected) and my husband (sudden), three days apart. I have good family support, counseling, etc, but most of the time I still feel like a kid with ADD. It is such a struggle to finish tasks. My husband’s office is still basically untouched. I have friends & family who say they will help me tackle this when I’m ready. It just feels like I’m never going to be ready.
    With the new year I do want to bring some order to my life but the thought is exhausting. I know everyone’s grief journey is different, but in your experience, is there some point when I should be concerned that I’ve become “stuck?”

    • Eleanor  December 30, 2014 at 10:34 pm Reply

      MJ,

      I think it’s normal to have times when you still feel crazy two years later, although after two years I would say you should be able to expect it will happen less often than not. Do your grief related feelings seem just as extreme on a regular basis or is it just a certain time of year, when thinking about a specific task, or is there anything else that pops out that you think might be complicating things for you?

      Unfortunately it’s really tough for any of us to say from the other side of a computer screen but I would say stuck or not, if you want to bring order to your life and you feel unable to do it then it’s time to figure out what’s standing in your way. Perhaps it’s something that needs to be resolved or overcome or maybe there are tools and coping skills you have yet to learn that will help you find your way. You don’t have to answer this here, but is your counselor helping you address this “stuck” feeling? Have you discussed going through your husband’s office with him or her? If not you should consider breaching these topics.

      I’m sorry to not be more helpful. Grief is complicated, relationships are complicated, people are really complicated, so all we can really do is guess and ask questions.

      Good luck and let us know how you’re doing,

      Eleanor

  129. Jamie Troutt  October 10, 2014 at 11:41 pm Reply

    My husband passed away 14years ago and ppl tell me to get over it but I never will. Am I wrong? He was my world and when he left this world he took my soul with him.I guess what I’m asking is there really a certain time that you have to stop grieving?… Forever lost

    • Eleanor  October 11, 2014 at 5:11 pm Reply

      Jamie,

      I’m so sorry. To answer your question, no there isn’t a time frame when you have to stop grieving. The conventional wisdom is that one should start to feel better, but not fully ‘get over it’. We keep our loved ones with us always – we’ll always love them and this means we will always grieve them on some level. That being said, fourteen years later do you feel like you’re able to find peace and feel happiness or satisfaction with your life? Is grief impacting your ability to find happiness? Part of healthy grieving is finding a way to live a healthy life after the loss even though we know you will never let your late husband go or stop loving him.

      Eleanor

  130. Eugenea Couture  October 10, 2014 at 7:36 pm Reply

    I am grieving over the loss of my pet. That may seem pointless to some but she was my baby for 17 years. She has been gone for nearly 3 months and the mere thought of her still makes me fight back tears. My children are grown and out of the house for awhile now. My little dog gave her life to me as she sat nearby while I wrote page after page of my life. She comforted me when I was laughing, angry or crying as I wrote the depth of my journey. She struggled down the stairs and eventually couldn’t bend to eat of her bowl. (Oh geez, tears now…arghhh) I can’t imagine the ache of losing a child, I came so close so many times. Anyway I pull up my big girl pants and smile at the memories but I still miss her so much. My book was the bravest work I have ever shared. I look forward to all your stories, that helps us get through our losses.

    1
  131. Joy  September 8, 2014 at 4:39 pm Reply

    I’m glad to know I’m not the only 5’2 woman with a man’s tweed suit from circa 1950 hanging in my wardrobe. I have 2! Thank you for ‘normalising’ the crazy feelings. I always find the sunny days the hardest – they made me feel the most sad. These are the days I most want to hide in my bedroom and stay in bed. I think your article sums up why for me.

  132. Brenda  December 27, 2013 at 8:16 pm Reply

    Hello,

    Everything you wrote is how I feel.

    I lost my Mom in september she was 81 years young and looked 65, She was beautiful, She was my best friend and in the last year she got sick from cancer and I spent my days taking her to doctors and making sure she had everything she needed and wanted. My Mom was doing well with the cancer ( even though their is no cure) we had just went to the doctor 2 days before she passed. She passed from a blood clot that went to her heart. My sister called me said my Mom was having shortness of breath and I was on the highway to get to her and the ambulance was there as I heard my sister screaming my Mom had passed.
    Im so lost. I have been to depression therapy I cant take anti depressants. I thought I was doing good had it together on my way to healing and since Christmas I cant get a grip on reality. I feel like IM LOOSING MY MIND. I just want her here to tell me how to get better as she always knew what I needed.
    I feel like a little girl scared to death but NO one can make me feel better
    Nothing feels right. I feel like im on a different planet and I just want to go home.
    Please help!

    • Litsa  December 28, 2013 at 5:59 pm Reply

      Oh Brenda, I am so sorry about your mom’s death and that the holidays have been so hard. It is totally normal for the holidays to be a trigger for really intense emotions and grief. Though it is hard to believe, it is normal to feel like you are going crazy, especially when it has only been a few months since your mom died. CS Lewis wrote an amazing book after his wife died call A Grief Observed. The book starts with the quote, “No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear”. I have always thought he was so right – no one ever warns us that grief does make us feel so scared and alone. I know you said you have been to therapy for depression, but you may want to consider going to someone specifically for grief and possible a grief support group. Grief and depression are two different things. Though of course someone suffering from depression may be grieving, grief itself is not the same as depression and it should be treated differently. A counselor who specializes in grief should be able to help you understand and process your grief. Calling your local hospice is a good place to start with finding a counselor or a group.

      Along with seeing a grief counselor, journaling can be very helpful. If you look at our categories (over to the right) at the bottom of the list you will see “words, writing, and journaling” (or just click this link https://whatsyourgrief.com/words-writing-and-journaling/) and you will see a list of different grief journaling prompts that we have posted. One journaling technique we have not posted, but that may be helpful, is writing down a problem or question you have (perhaps about your own grief) and then spend some time thinking about your mom and write what you think she would say and tell you. It sounds like you and your mom were very close, so though she isn’t here to tell you how to get better or help you see what you need, you may find that with some time and reflection you can imagine what she would say to you.

      As you work through the next days and weeks, try to take things one day at a time. When grief overwhelms us it can feel totally debilitating. Try to focus on getting through just this one day – set some small goals: find a counselor or group, spend some time journaling, do something to memorialize your mom, or whatever else works for you for that day. Consider some self-care techniques as well — we have a self-care post here with some tips you may want to check out: https://whatsyourgrief.com/self-care-for-the-rest-of-us/.

      Hope you spend some time poking around on the blog – you may find some other helpful ideas. Wishing you strength to get through the weeks and months to come.

      1
  133. Stephanie  December 18, 2013 at 6:18 pm Reply

    Dear Litsa and Eleanor,
    I really appreciate your post on this issue. In 2007 my only brother passed away in a car accident. I was 26 at the time and had just started my career and was trying to maintain “normal” when I was feeling anything but normal. It was a difficult time and I remember several people telling me things that were not comforting. I think that there is a balance between grieving and living and I am still trying to figure it out. If I were honest with myself, I believe that I grieved for almost 3-4 years before I sought out someone to talk to about my situation. Death of a loved one is difficult and sometimes family situations make it so much more difficult after the fact. People seem to argue about money, material goods, etc. It was such a stressful time. Also, if you are married at the time and your spouse has never experienced a significant loss…that can be difficult as well. I was married shortly after my brother died. As supportive as my husband was and is…he just could not understand my grief and I needed to be ok with that. He never pretended to understand. Looking back, that was really upsetting but there was nothing that I could do to force anyone (including him) to understand what I was dealing with inside. I guess that would be the same for each of us experiencing a loss. We all experience this as our own journey. Now, 6 years later my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer and given months to live. If I could say it anywhere…this community would probably understand that my Dad is dying from a broken heart. The cancer took over because of his grief and somewhere he lost his will to live when Rudy passed away. That is just my opinion but it makes sense to me. We certainly can “feel” grief and the feelings can become illness. It is sad for me but I find myself not wanting to deal with anything that is coming up right now. Unlike when Rudy died, I do have time to say goodbye to my Dad. It is a different loss this time. I imagine that when my Dad does pass away, I will have another time period of grief. I find comfort in friends and family that can help. I am beginning to appreciate that saying good bye is a blessing. also, I recognized that grief hurts. Not only is a feeling but can manifest itself as physical pain or illness. Back to why I originally began to type….I so appreciate your post. It is encouraging to know that I am not crazy in dealing with some of my feelings. I really appreciate your facebook page as well.

  134. Joyce  April 14, 2013 at 6:28 pm Reply

    I find myself talking to the stars more. And, actually, finding the beauty. My love died Oct. 4, and we spent a couple gorgeous vacation days on the shores of Lake Michigan. When he died, I found myself at my sister’s, on the shores of Lake Erie, so I went for a walk, and I took picture after picture of the beauty that was there that day. And, now, a little more than six months out, I notice myself stopping to watch a hawk soar through the sky, or a bunny run across the field. The crazy I experienced was in the first few weeks when I SWORE he was sending me signs, a song, finding something I forgot he’d given me, the seagull that wouldn’t fly away from me the week of the funeral.

    • Litsa  April 14, 2013 at 10:10 pm Reply

      Joyce, I think so many people can relate to that experience of seeing signs everywhere!! Though we all have different belief systems and may think different things about “signs”, the afterlife, etc there is something so comforting about the idea that our loved one is somehow trying to help us or communicate with us. Grief often shifts how we look at the world around us, for better or for worse. I think if we are lucky enough to find our grief helping us notice beauty around us it can be its own source of comfort. Thanks for sharing and I am so sorry for the loss of your husband.

  135. Orchid  April 10, 2013 at 2:11 pm Reply

    Hi,

    I”m not sure if this is the right place but your post was very warm and comforting so I… I’m wondering if maybe you could help me out.

    Without going into some kind of long spiel about the whole thing, about 2 years ago, a guy I’d been with (but not really; I think we were at a loss for what to do) for 2 years by then, found out that his mom was going to die. She was diagnosed with breast cancer right after I met him. It seemed that part of the reason our relationship seemed to exist, but yet not really be fully there, was because of her sickness and the constant flying both of us had to do back to our homes in Taiwan (mine), Hong Kong (his and his mom’s) and Vancouver.

    She passed away a year and a half ago, and I started crying nonstop for about a year. Not knowing the reason, and believing it was about our imperfect relationship, I got angry at him and destroyed his things, causing him to move to Australia. To my intense grief but eventual relief, the days of feeling split between two continents ended there.

    Although I finally feel like I am back to normal now (exactly two years later since she was diagnosed for having not long left to live, and one year after a sensational, mad breakup), I definitely feel that the new normal is different from the old normal. But I feel confused. I have read sooo many articles online and even tried to tell my friends, but I feel like I am missing something. I cannot shake that feeling of being left out of some kind of answer. I don’t really understand why I turned the loss of his mother into some other issue, like long distance. I can’t date because I keep finding problems with people that do not exist. I no longer know if the choices I made were based on a rational reason, or if it was some kind of denial. I can’t imagine why someone else losing their family member would throw me into that kind of madness. I had lost the ability to manage myself and make regular plans for the future. I isolated myself and moved away from people I used to know. I changed my hairstyle and my appearance and tried to hide by pretending I didn’t really exist. Now, I feel like I am crawling back out into the world like a turtle. 1 year, or more, seems like an irrationally long time to be upset over a boyfriend.

    As a grief expert, in your experience, is this… normal? Or is it complicated? I feel that my world is wrong. How can I make it less threatening again?

    • Eleanor  April 10, 2013 at 9:02 pm Reply

      Thank you for reaching out to us, you are welcome to ask us questions any way that suits you.  It’s difficult for me to say whether your reaction is normal or not without knowing more about you and about the situation.  All three factors involved, individuals, grief and relationships, are very complex.  Put everything together and it can be really difficult to sort out; I imagine this is part of the reason why you are struggling to make sense of everything.  

      Bottom line, it sounds like his mother’s death and the subsequent breakup was significant to you, and your feelings and reactions confused and frightened you. Perhaps it has been difficult for you to move forward without being able to make sense of the past.  The only thing I can say with certainty is if you feel this is currently impacting your relationships, happiness, and/or daily functioning, then it may be a good idea to talk to someone like a counselor.  

      Often times all we need are a few sessions with someone who is a blank slate, who will not pass judgement, and who will help us sort out our thoughts and feelings.  More often than not the answer is in there, we just have to sort through many layers to get to it.  

      If your not open to this option, then journaling can be a helpful tool for sorting things out.  Sometimes organizing our thoughts on paper helps us to make sense off all that’s circulating around in our heads.  

      I’m sorry I couldn’t give you a more specific answer, but please let me know what other questions you have.

      • Orchid  April 11, 2013 at 1:45 pm

        After typing it out, I did find a bit more clarity. Thanks for your kind suggestions. 🙂

    • Vanessa Longburn  June 30, 2016 at 12:41 am Reply

      My step-parent sees it to be fit to keep all of my deceased parents money. He never had children of his own, and now that my parent has passed, my stepdad has decided to keep everything because he lost his wife. But, she had children. So, shouldn’t they get something?

      • Litsa  July 5, 2016 at 10:06 pm

        Hi Vanessa, I am so sorry for the loss of your mom. The question you ask has both legal and then ethical/moral answers and, depending on your perspective, those answers may be different. Legally your mom would have needed a will if she wanted her children (or anyone else) to get a portion of her estate. Otherwise legally my understanding (and I am not a lawyer, so you would need to check with a lawyer to know for sure) is that any money/assets would go to a spouse. Whether it is moral/ethical for a spouse not to share that money with the persons children is another question altogether and one I suspect people would have many different opinions about! I am so sorry this is probably causing strife within your family. Please know there are professional mediators (some of whom are also lawyers) who may be able to assist if this is something your family is hoping to work through. Take care.

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