When Your Best Friend Dies

We got an email last week from someone who lost a friend.  Not just any friend, her best friend.  The kind of friend that is family.  You know the kind of friend I mean.  Here is a little clip from her email:

I have had a terrible time finding anything online about losing your best friend. She was my closest, dearest friend for 25+ years. We lived less than a mile apart. We were like Oprah and Gayle best friends, you know? We vacationed together, etc. She was never married and I’m divorced, so we didn’t have the distraction of families. I have a son but she was childless and loved my son like her own. He’s grown, though, so we were able to hang out daily as best friends often do when they’re younger, before marriages, etc.

Do you have any suggestions for me? I can’t be the only person dealing with this.

Of course she is right, we know she is certainly not the only person dealing with this.  Yet off the top of my head I couldn’t remember reading many articles specifically on coping when a best friend dies.  This of course inspired me to do a Google to see what’s out there which turned up a few sites on losing a pet (your other best friend).  But what struck me most was the simultaneous lack of information on the topic, coupled with an overabundance of vague, generalized crap grief advice.  Articles that are so broad and empty that you could title them “dealing with the loss of  _________”, fill that blank in with just about anything, and have it work.  I don’t know why that continues to surprise me – it was the whole reason we started What’s Your Grief – but it does.

The articles I found gave the same advice you might give anyone grieving:  don’t avoid the pain, remember you aren’t alone, remember all your great memories . . . blah blah blah.  I mean, it isn’t that those things aren’t true; they are.  It’s just that, let’s be honest, in the midst of your despair and confusion related to a very specific grief experience, hearing the same old broad, vague advice again and again is just frustrating.  And finding a post called “How to Get Over Losing a Best Friend That Passed Away”?  Well that just shouldn’t even be allowed because, really?  How to get over it?  Oh, okay.  Sure.  Are there 7 easy steps?

Alright, sorry.  Rant over.

Anyway, all of this is just to say that this post is not going to be about all the general ways to deal with grief.  We have a zillion other posts on coping with grief in a zillion different ways.  All types of loss have their unique challenges and this post is going to be about what makes dealing with the loss of a friend uniquely difficult.  Ready?

Aristotle described deep friendship saying, “What is a friend? A single soul in two bodies”.   Plato reflected deeply and extensively on the nature of friendship and love and then thousands of years later psychologists helped us understand why friendship was worth these philosophers’ time.  We know from a review of 148 studies on friendship that there is a 50% increased likelihood of survival for participants with stronger social relationships.  Yup, people with good friends live longer and are healthier!  Spending time with friends actually reduces stress in women by increasing their oxytocin levels, friendship has been linked with lower rates of hypertension and heart disease and women with breast cancer who had close friendships were found to live longer than those who did not.  I can throw all this friendship data at you, I can share the CS Lewis quote I love, “friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art…. it has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival”, but at the end of the day it is something that feels impossible to describe.  Friendship is deep and powerful and amazing, but it is hard to really explain why.   If you have a close friend you just know what I mean.  No surprise, when a friend dies, like when a family memeber dies, we don’t “get over it”.  We learn to live with it.  It may get different, it may get easier, but it is always with us.

What is it about losing a friend that is particularly isolating?  Why are there so few articles?  Why aren’t more people talking about it?

First, society doesn’t recognize what a big deal friendship is.

You know that your friend is family, that you love them as deeply, maybe even more deeply, than your brother or your mom.  Plato and Aristotle knew.  But society in general?  That is another story.  Society often values family relationships over friendships.  There is a weight given to your relationship with your parents or siblings or grandparents or spouse that comes from the title alone.  Somehow talking about your bestie often doesn’t carry that same weight, despite the fact that your relationship with that friend may have been as, if not more, important.  This can feel especially crappy when a friend dies and those around you don’t give you the same support and validation that they would have had it been a family member.

Along with that, your friend’s family may not welcome you or get how close you were.

This isn’t always true, but if you didn’t know your friend’s family members they may not understand the nature or depth of your friendship.  This could be because they didn’t know you, your friend didn’t talk with them about you, or they just don’t get it for some of the same reasons society doesn’t.  You may want to connect with them, share memories, and be part of memorial events and they may not be as welcoming as you imagined.  This can make an already impossible time feel even harder, as you’re left wanting to scream “I loved her as much as you did!!!!” at them.

It brings up our own mortality.

This one always feels weird or self-involved to talk about it, but it is a fact so let’s all just get over it.  When people die it brings up our feelings about our own death.  This can be especially true when it is someone who is “like” us and our friends are often “like” us.  Research proves it – we are often friends with people who are similar to us in age, health, socio-economic status, education, and who are even genetically similar to us.  For real!  When they die it is a reminder that we will die and, who knows, it could be soon.

It can change your relationship with other friends.

This is a complicated one, because the reasons this can happen are broad.  But it is important because when you are grieving it is often the time that you need support the most and, in some cases, it is the very time that support from other friends can feel hardest to come by for many reasons.  Your other friends may not know how to handle your grief, so they distance themselves.  Or,  you may all be grieving differently and are struggling to support each other.  It is also not uncommon to feel a sudden need to distance yourself from your other friends.  No matter what the reason, it is important to think about how you can make efforts to maintain relationships or seek other support, so you don’t fall into unhealthy isolation.  A good place to start is assessing your support system.

You think you will never have another friend like them again.

And you know what, this is true.  You won’t every have another friend exactly like the person you lost.  Your friendship was as unique as the two of you.  But this doesn’t mean you won’t have other wonderful, meaningful friendships.  When we grieve in general there is often a pervasive fear of losing that connection to the person we lost.  We worry that if we start to feel ‘better’ it means we are forgetting that person or moving on.  With friendships there can be a feeling that, if I let new friends in, I am forgetting or replacing the friend I lost.  Keep in mind, no one is ever going to replace your friend.  Ever.  You will have new friendships, they will be unique and close and amazing in their own way, but they will never be a replacement for the person who died.  That said, opening yourself up to other friendships is a really good, really important thing.

Your friend is who always got you through the tough stuff.

When I think of my best friends, they are the ones I go to when life gets tough: break ups, divorces, financial troubles, school problems and job problems, illnesses, deaths, whatever.  When life gets tough your bestie is often your go-to person.  So when that person is gone you feel especially alone.  You feel desperate, lonely, and devastated and your instinct is to call the one person who is no longer there to support you.

So what can you do?

Well, I am not going to run through all the general grief coping stuff here because you can check out the tons of other posts we have on that – take care of yourself, find ways to continue bonds, figure out your coping style.  But I will mention a couple of things to keep in mind.  First and most importantly, when others around you are making you feel like you don’t have the right to grieve the loss of your friend in the way or time that you need, remember that you absolutely deserve the space to grieve.  Work probably won’t give you bereavement leave, others may not acknowledge the depth of your relationship, but it is important you remember that you have every right to the grief and devastation you feel.

Something that can help with that is connecting with others who have lost friends.  This can be tough because often support groups are for the loss of a spouse, parent or child and, even if it is a general support group, you find it is filled with people who have lost a family member not a friend.  Calling/googling around and looking for a group geared toward loss of a friend can be helpful.  If you can’t find that in your area, many times local hospices and grief centers are willing to place people in groups with individuals with shared experiences when possible.  Talk to your local grief center or hospice and see if they may offer a group that would be a good fit for you.

Lastly, look to music.  I know, this seems like a big shifting of gears, but as I was thinking about friendship and the nature of friendship, it got me thinking about music.  Though many parts of society don’t validate and talk about the loss of a friend, musicians seem to be the exception to that rule.  There are a lot of amazing songs about losing a friend that get at the depth of those relationships and the devastation of the losses.  I have started a 64 songs about the loss of a friend post, but in the mean time here are a few to get you through.  And if you have songs to add to that list, leave a comment to let us know!

A classic . . . James Taylor’s Fire and Rain, written about the death of his friend Suzanne Schnerr, as well as about some of his own struggles with addiction.

How could we skip the Puff Daddy/Faith Evans classic writting after the death of Notorious B.I.G?

Another favorite that I am sure I have shared before, Elephant by Jason Isbell.  In an interview on NPR Isbell explained that this song wasn’t about losing one friend, but about several friends from his local bar who he lost in the years he was struggling with alcoholism.

Okay, I could go on all day on the songs, but I will save that for the 64 songs post. For now just one more: Lou Reed’s My House, about the death of his friend and mentor, Delmore Schwartz. Warning, if you’re not a Lou Reed person this might not be your thing!

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March 28, 2017

244 responses on "When Your Best Friend Dies"

  1. A song that Jesus is using to minister to me I thought might help others . I am not alone by Kari Jobbe

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  3. I have an older friend I just lost…brilliant music teacher and later music retail CEO with whom I played music in a big band and played bad golf together as well, although all we did was laugh about it. When I was down, unemployed, he was there to [icl me up off of th grond and help, like a big brother. Music helps heal you and does not have to be about death necessarily. My suggestion for your song list is Empty Chairs by Don McClean. Death is serious business for those left behind, should not be taken lightly, like a damned party, and I would be careful selecting appropriate music that will heal a person.. Refrain from angry rap filled with obcenities, heavy metal, auto-tuned pop, policital songs, or boring symphonies etc.. Think it through carefully. Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door may be a favorite tune, but absolutely stupid and insensitive to use at a funeral unless tha’s what the deceased requested, or even for yourself. even then others like relatives from out of town may not appreciate the selection and be alienated, and the deceased will not be there to explain or hear it. My friend and I were trumpet players but also both sang in front of the band. He used to sing My Way, and I have been asked and honored to sing that at the service in his place. He was 80. I am 62.

  4. I miss my best friend too. He died back on 7/28/2018 suddenly and unexpectedly for all of us. We were told it was a heart issue but there is tons of speculation. It’s hard watching those close to him struggle through it. Watching the house he established through all the hard work empty and sell and the daughter he lived for sad she misses her daddy just crushes my heart. What could we of done differently to perhaps extend the time? I am doing all I can to fill time but the thing I miss the most is just having someone to talk to. Not just anyone, but having someone that knows me almost as well as I know myself is what I miss. That is the part that’s the hardest for me. I have tried to look for it in others but there always seems to be a barrier that was just not there with my best bud. I’ll keep searching but when you are a 39 yr old man it’s kindof tricky to just walk up and ask, hey any chance you are looking for a new best friend? Mine just died and I’m looking for a new one…

  5. I miss my best friend every single day since he transition on 9/17/2017 . He was like a brother for the last 11 years , his passing is such a huge loss in my life. I think often , often of his last week in his place , the pain that cancer cause him.

    I miss him in the physical , what will never ever be again. The old normalcy is gone, now this new normalcy /reality. It makes me sad , a lot of times anger watching those cancer treatment center commercials , nothing could help him, save him.

    We just know our ending to our journey, how it will play out. No one ever thinks they will be bedridden , on they deathbed . Life has a way of changing on a dime.
    I thank God for our friendship, stick closer to you like a brother type of friend. My ride /die friend who was a good man who always thought , believe that he didn’t deserve that bad 2017. May he RIP , see him again in the future. Love you my friend.

  6. I miss my best friend so much. He committed suicide just under a year ago. its hard. it comes in waves, sometimes im fine and sometimes im so broken.

  7. I met my friend almost 25 years ago. She died just over a week ago. We had met at one of those 20-something aspiring future leader workshops. Turns out neither of us had any such aspirations.. but there were other common interests and a shared humour we discovered over a bottle of red whilst hiding out in a far away dorm, doing our best to avoid the other A-Type participants. It went from there. We stayed in touch year to year, all the time following each other’s lives, loves and losses. We visited one another, traveled on occasion and could go 1-2 years without even speaking, but it was always easy, pickup where we left off. Usually 1-2 days filled with laughter and red wine as we brought each other up to speed on what life had been doing since last time. But then 3 years ago, I had a crisis in my family, and then with my health. And she was there, coaching me along. Then it was her turn, her marriage broke down, then she was diagnosed with cancer. We lived in different states, but for the past two years as she’d battled her losing fight – all the while going through a marriage breakdown – our talks become every other day. She talked to me about her dying, her fears and her joys. She had many, many other friends from her other walks of life, and she kept me separate to those. I’d attended her wedding (20 years ago) and saw her children a handful of times. Most times, when we got together, there was only the two of us. Occasionally I met her mum or her step Dad. And once or twice I met her Dad . She would introduce me to other visitors to her hospital room, characters I’d heard of in the cast list of her life…. Just as they’d heard of me…. But I wasn’t one of them; the ‘school mums’, uni friends, or professional associates.. And I always sensed they found my presence just a little curious… “so, how did you two meet..? was a common question…. But throughout it all, she was a constant… and as her cancer grew worse, often she would ring me, just to talk about anything other than the cancer. To vent about her mother, her friends or her kids.. Or others she felt were judging her choices in treatment, and general approach to succumbing to a terminal illness. And sometimes, she’d rage just at the very unfairness of it all.
    But now that she’s gone, the silence is deafening. And outside my husband and daughter (who met her a handful of times), I find I’m not close to anyone who knew her. Not part of any family or her other friendship groups where I might otherwise be able to share her memory.. Even her funeral will be thousands of km away. I’ve tried contacting her mum, but don’t want to pester a woman who’s just lost her child. And I’ve reached for the phone a couple of times thinking I could call my friend, just to ask ‘wtf is going on?’. But then it hits me..and I feel that terrible loneliness.

  8. His name was Mason. And I grew up with the guy. My first memory of him was when we first got an award for something together in kindergarten. We were in the same class in 4th grade and 5th grade, as well as the selective gifted program together for 3 years, as some of the same classes in 7th and 8th grade. While in 7th and 8th grade, he was very intelligent and had no qualms letting everyone know. He played the trombone in band, and was definitely acted like a band kid. And then I moved away. I didn’t see him again until I came back to visit almost two years later. I was lucky enough for him to come. It was then when my entire view on him changed. He’d matured, emotionally and mentally, and had become an amazing, happy person. I decided to keep in touch with him when I could. He ended up being an amazing friend, and we had great conversations together over the next year or so. We’d talk about a lot of things, such as getting older and growing up (or not wanting to), being seniors in high school. being choir nerds, and whatever else. We were even imagining fake plans to search for the Fountain of Youth so we wouldn’t have to grow up. I talked to him about whenever I visited my old town where he lived, whether it be for family trips or our middle school principal’s memorial… Little did I know that the next memorial I’d be attending… would be his. We talked after his first day of school, I was asking how it went, and he was telling me he was ready to graduate. I told him I was ready too but wanted to enjoy senior year, and he agreed. That was the last conversation I had with him. A week ago Sunday, Mason was in a fatal car crash. I didn’t even know until Monday afternoon when I found out on Facebook. It’s been a struggle to even wake up and live life with all the pain because I realize I won’t see him for a long time. Saturday was a beautiful service… but I can’t stop thinking about him. He was so full of life, and he didn’t deserve to die. If I had more time with him… I am 100% certain I would have fallen for him. It’s been a week and two days now… And my heart’s still beating, although broken. I don’t know if I’ll ever fully heal completely… But until then, I have to trust God, as hard as it may be, and try to assure myself that Mason has found his Fountain of Youth.

  9. i spent the day of the 14th of june with my bestest friend. we were completely inseperable, and like aristotle described it was as if our souls were one. i remember the day as if it were yesterday. i had an exam booster and she facetimed me whilst i was still in the class, i called her back and she invited me to her house. i spent most of the day there packing up her stuff as she was moving the following weekend, it was just a normal day, we listened to music and pratted around. we went for a breakfast at our favourite cafe and after seing her boyfriend she met me at the park where we sang our favourite songs including american pie which quotes “this will be the day that i die”. the sound of her voice singing that line will echo in my voice forever as nobody knew how true that line would become. she had to be in at 7:30 and i vivdly remember watching her walk away from me towards her house, i had no clue that it would be the last time and gave her a casual “see you tomorrow” as we had a physics exam the next morning. she then went home and ate her pesto pasta and after snapchatting me at around 10pm she went to sleep, happy and healthy. the day before i had left my bag at her house and had arranged to pick it up from her house that morning. so i got my mum to drop me near her house and as i approached i was greeted with ambulances and police cars, lots of them. my heart dropped as i broke into tears trying to make up a million excuses in my mind as to what could be going on. i called countless amounts of times and still to this day i reread the messages that i sent her that morning: im coming to get my bag… wtf why is there so many police and ambulances?!… i love you so much and i hope youre okay. i didnt know what to do. i didnt want to walk in because i was terrified of what i might find. so i started walking to my exam, on the way i found another close friend of hers who i explained what had happened too and she told me to just wait it out and see if she turned up for the exam. sitting there in that hall was the most painful experience, i watched the examinor walk up to her desk and take her paper and name card away as they realised she was not going to turn up. everyone had been trying to get hold of her but nothing. i spent the day praying and trying to distract myself and it wasnt until around 4 that another close friend of hers called me and broke the news to me that she had passed away in her sleep. my whole world fell around me as i sat in the middle of the street sobbing. i couldnt breathe let alone explain to my family that the reason i was crying was because the other half of me had died. she was sixteen and she was so healthy and happy and to this day no one has a clue why or how it happened. i often wonder if there was anything i couldve done to stop it or if it wouldve happened had things been different. i had asked her on that day to stay at my house and i wonder about what that wouldve been like had she not woken up next to me. her mum and family were so so supportive and welcomed me in and i am so so thankful for that. i will defintley never be the same after this. its been three months and my heart still longs for her. i hear her voice sometimes and i talk to her all the time. its so unfair and ill never forgive the world for taking her. this post helped alot as alot of things i read are so generalised and it feels as if im not understood by anyone. would just help alot to be able to talk to someone going through a simlar experience.

  10. Dear Kristen, I read your post concerning the death of your best friend and my heart goes out to you. As a 20 year old young man I experienced the death of my best friend who was only 18 years old at the time of his death and I was left confused and felt abandoned by the people around me that underestimated the grief I felt inside. I was also scared and it feel so unreal that it took me a few days to acknowledge his death. We were suppose to be the kings of youth and immortality, we were not suppose to die, but this was my awakening that yes, we do die and we do not have to be old to die. If it were possible I know I wished a thousand times to understand why and now? Of course I would never know, but I, just like anyone was hurt and felt because of my youth that it was a minimized by others. But that is not so , its been 41 years ago and I still wonder at times what his life would have been like. Your pain is real and sometimes when people have not experienced what you have gone through ,cannot see beneath the young heart. I truly do not remember how long it took me to adjust, I think it came about in stages and if there is any good that came out of it I could say that the pain and uncertainty help me to be a more compassionate person for those whom hurt. I hope and pray that your heart will continue to heal and that you find that peace and understanding to live happily and know you were a dear friend to them also, thank you for sharing your story.

  11. On December 11th, my best friend will have been dead for 2 whole years. Insane. Jaymie was in grade 10 and I was in grade 12 the year it happened. Our families were friends so of course we naturally grew up as automatic best friends. I remember the first day we spent together at a family event and begged our parents to let us set up a tent and sleep in the backyard. From that moment we became weekend best friends (my parents were split and I went to school in Etobicoke while she lived a few streets away from my dads house in Brampton) this was the best set up for our friendship. Every weekend we would wreak havoc at dads house. Every summer we went on family vacations together. I saw her like a little sister and I knew I had a responsibility to be a good older friend she could look up to. At the same time we were equals! in grade 10 end of the year, I was kicked out of moms to dads. TERRIBLE! Except for one great new opportunity to go to school together (something we always joked and dreamt about) she was going into grade 9 and I was 11th grade. We had sleepovers and went to school together or would skip class to make it to mcdonalds for hash browns before they changed to lunch. She died a year later beginning of her 10th grade year and my senior year. An A student like me barely passed. Didn’t even care about graduating, prom or whatever else senior students care about. I felt the stares of “ou that’s the girl who’s best friend died”. I felt the eyes of all my teachers. I felt all that multiplied by 1000 at her funeral, speaking in the service. Then I took a year off school once I finally made it through my senior year (aka hell). I couldn’t consider post secondary the applications were due right after her death!! I felt the need to apply I mean that’s what you do next right? But how could I? My year off was spent working full time, grieving in waves and being an 18 year old. I finally applied that year and made it into humber. So here I am my first year of college. She would be graduating this year! She would be excited about prom! Sending me all the dress ideas while I scramble to get my final papers in. I hate how this loss is belittled by so many people. We called each other sisters. We cried together, laughed together and just sat in each other’s comforting presence. So how do I go about starting college lugging this baggage with me? how do I relate to all the innocent naive students who have never experienced loss like this? How do I go to any other friend for comfort without making them feel lesser? After almost 2 years it becomes scary to say hey I need you again I swear I’m not back at square one with the grief but I’m feeling those feelings again, please don’t be afraid of me or weirded out just be here for me. It gets tiring after a while almost frustrating to get that emotional tidal wave when you swore last week it was getting better. I’m glad this post exists all I ever see on google is “dead pet” or “dead family member”. just as there’s a closeness between a freaking animal that deserves a post, there’s a closeness between best friends that deserves a post as well. I hate worrying that my sadness or grief seems “exaggerated” because “it’s not like they were related to you”. How could I sit in a grief group with someone who lost a family member and be taken seriously for my loss? How to explain to friends that I’m still me but I’ve got a little bit of the grim reaper inside me too.

  12. Its been 2 1/2 years now since my best friend died and when the fall season of the year begins to draw close I remember him and all the times we spent in the outdoors. I have never put a time constraint on when or how long it would take me to adjust to him being gone. I knew the day that he passed away I would never be the same again as our friendship spanned over 45 years. That is a lot of years to be close friends and I still miss him to such a degree that I haven’t yet found that place where I find the memories to be sweet or precious. I know we often hear how we should cherish the memories and maybe one day I will feel that, but what they make me feel right now is lonely. I know in my heart that some healing has begun as I move forward and continue living, but there are some things that are simply gone forever. He will never be forgotten and I am being as patient with myself as possible because it is my belief that God has an intended purpose for all of us to be upon this earth for his intended reason. I believe I will see my friend again in heaven, but until that day I want to live for my intended purpose and I believe that by the grace of God and his healing love I will continue to heal , be it all slowly. I am truly grateful to everyone on this thread/ site because as I read these stories you all give me a hope in the sense that I am not alone and I do not want you to feel you are alone either.

  13. I loss my best friend in September 2017 to cancer. We were like brothers the last 11 of our 24 years of friendship. His loss aches so bad even now despite the fact I know he is pain free, in heaven. I think back to last year at this time , how much it pain my soul the memories of him in pain, just a shell of himself. I miss him so bad , I think of him every single day since he transition over to the other side. I know he will say to me Joe just live your best life. Our time on this earth is so short , I think because of his passing I am not scare of my own mortality. I know I see him again , all lost love one’s in the future. It hurts so much , the loneliness is sometimes unbearable however I just learn to just take one day at a time.

  14. Thank you so, so much for posting this article and all the comments. Errin O. Posted a comment earlier asking if there was anything specific for those who lost a beat friend to suucide… I couldn’t figure out how to respond directly to her but I’ve experienced the exact same loss.
    My best friend, my soul sister, the only woman I trusted 100% passed October 3rd 2017 from what was ruled a suicide… almost a year… and I still cry everytime she comes to mind. My heart literally aches so deep inside it feels like nothing will ever be ok again.
    She hadn’t been feeling well at all and was very depressed after her grandson passed in December 2016 and her husband (my ‘bobber’ since her grandson loved fishing bobbers and my ‘Subby- for secret hubby) passed in Februar 2017, just a few months before. We were both still learning to navigate without them and to be honest she gave up. Her heart was broke and now mine is.
    Sometimes I get angry at her. Sometimes im so mad she left me here alone. Im 36 and I have to go the rest of my life without part of me because of her choice… but sometimes… I miss and love her so much I just want to hear her voice or ANYTHING that will help me feel her close.
    Her death has changed my life in every conceivable way. I started living for ME! I realized how short life is and my priorities have done a 360. The changes in my life since her death have been horrendous and hard without her here being my cheerleader and sometimes I feel guilty saying my best friends death changed me in a way that had made my life spiritually amazing. Who says that? Why couldn’t I change with her here? Both her and I believe strongly in God and Jesus and I know He had a plan here but why her? Why did she have to leave me?
    These are just some of the thoughts I struggle with daily. Not to mention she’s in all my Facebook memories and that brings tears and makes my loss fresh regularly. I too feel lo ike people think I should just ‘get over it’ and she wasn’t my spouse or family and because wed argued a bit before shed passed and her family knew.
    All I know is that I am so grateful I had a love like her in my life. And I am so grateful to have been loved the way she loved me. But I’m still so incredibly heartbroken and am not sure how to face the anniversary of her passing in a few weeks.

  15. I just lost my life long best friend of 33 years on Saturday August 4th. It was a tragic car accident. A lady was driving under the influence hit her head on she died instantly. Her husband and 14 year old daughter were in the car with her. I can not imagine what that baby is going through. I can not cry not really I start shaking all over and I’m broken on the inside, but each time I start to cry it’s like I’m
    Suddenly numb. I am having chest pains, nightmares, panic attacks it’s driving me crazy trying to learn how to cope with this loss. She was such a huge part of my life I feel like part of me went with her.

  16. My best friend has been gone for 22 years and 5 days. I still miss her every day. It still hurts. But the world doesn’t stop just because your soul has been ripped in half. Whether you want it to or not, the sun will rise tomorrow.

    When her father died last year I was jealous. It was not my proudest moment, but I was so angry and upset that he got to see her, and I still can’t. I still want to scream and cry at the world. It’s still as raw and fresh as the years right after she left. All I can do is hold onto the hope that I will one day get to see her again.

  17. My best friend died on Sunday at the age of 23. She tried to hang herself on Saturday night, and she succeeded, but her boyfriend found her and cut her down and called the police. She was already in a coma by the time I’d found out and rushed to the hospital Sunday morning. After the 4th time her heart had stopped and been resuscitated, we were told that her body was sustaining too much trauma from it, and the next time she crashed, we would have to say goodbye. We played her songs and talked to her (since hearing is the last thing to go) and I sang to her too. She always loved my voice. She starting crashing during “Hey Jude”. She loved the Beatles. We were all begging her to stay with us and keep fighting, but when her pulse dropped to 50-60, we just started telling her over and over how much we loved her. I told her I wasn’t mad at her and that I’d just miss her a lot and I just wanted her to find peace and be happy. I told her I loved her so, so much…over and over. I held her hand, squeezing as hard as I could without hurting her. She looked so delicate. I was there until her last breath.

    It’s Wednesday now already, somehow. All of this still feels so surreal. She’d texted me at 11:04pm Saturday night. Her boyfriend found her at 11:30pm, then called the cops at 11:39pm. I know not to blame myself, but I still can’t help but wonder what I could’ve done to help her. I miss her immeasurably. I’m only 22. She’d just earned two Bachelor’s degrees. We each just adopted a puppy a few months ago and now our dogs are best friends. We joked that it couldn’t be any other way because we were such good-such best friends.

    I’m glad to find an article about losing your best friend, but is there any advice out there for those who’ve specifically lost their best friend to suicide? It’s so hard to move on from because it feels like it could’ve been prevented. I myself used to struggle with suicidal thoughts until a few years ago (and she knew this) and I was somehow able to piece myself together and move on. I’d hoped she’d feel close enough and comfortable enough with me to tell me that something was so wrong.

    I can’t seem to gather the rest of the information I need to piece this together. It’s like everyone got a puzzle piece, but none of the pieces we got are to the same puzzle and nobody has all the pieces to any one puzzle anyway.

  18. I lost my best friend of 35 years in 2017. It was unexpected. It became increasingly obvious that she was sick and I along with others, tried to get her to see a doctor. I have an immense feeling of guilt over this. Should I have dragged her to the doctor myself, forced her to go? Would she still be alive if I had?
    Her death rocked mr more than any before. She was the one person on the planet who knew everything about me, good and bad, yet never judged me. It is with her I shared mental telepathy at times and have never laughed so hard or often with anyone else. It has been a complete paradigm shift for me. How am I supposed to live the rest of my life without her? The whole she left behind is enormous. I never got to say goodbye.
    I have been blessed with many friends and family, but no one with whom I have this same connection. I have no sisters and she was that sister to me. I wish there was a support group for folks who have lost a close friend and that there would be a realization of the loss felt.

  19. I lost a friend in a car accident two months ago. I had known him for four months which I know is a short time but knowing him was the best thing that happened to me. Before I met him, I was unhappy and had anxiety attacks but then he changed all that. He made me feel loved and also made me love life again because he was always happy and made everyone else around him happy. His death was so sudden that I still can not accept he is gone. I miss him so much because he is the reason I kept moving even when I did not feel like it. What hurts most is that no one knows how special he was to me and how deep our friendship was. I think of you everyday because everything I touch or say reminds me of you. I really miss you and I will forever love you.

  20. I lost my best friend on the morning of the 15th of June 2018. he woke up too early for some reason and went to attend ISQBT training.
    The thing it was just too early for him to leave. He left at 6:15am according to his wife and died at 6:25am.

    We had been friends for over 20 years and known each other over 30 years. our friendship was that of Timon and Pumba kind and craziness. I am loud,short ,fat and dressed like a lumberjack he was tall and elegant and always dressed like GQ model. I would tell people exactly what I thought of them and he would always look to create peace and harmony. I drove my car like crazy idiot that I am and always teased him about his driving as he drove like a 70 year old grandma.

    ON that morning 3 Fridays ago we just a call that he was involved in an accident and didn’t think much of it as the wife said the Paramedics when attending to him, I just dismissed it a as nothing big however after having this nagging feeling I decided to call his wife just to check if all is fine. I WAS NEVER READY to hear the screams on the other side of the line …I knew he was no longer with us. It felt like I had been punched in my gut and my heart had been ripped out of my chest .

    I have seen this guy get married, and having a son, a doughter , buying his first car , buying his first house . We pursued our life goals together. He was my sound board for every major decision I was to make. He listen and did not need to answer all the time, sometimes that look would be enough. For the past 3 weeks I have struggled to listen to GREGORY PORTER as we loved that voice together. I have no one to share weird jokes with anymore.

    The worst thing about the last three weeks is that I have become a living symbol of his death everywhere I go, you see we were inseparable and attached to each other so much, we shared same passions , worked in the same company, went to the same church and socialised together. When people see me alone they would ask about his whereabouts and vice versa. Now when people see me they seem to feel sorry for me or they avoid making eye contact. I have become the ghost of his being and symbol of his death.

    On the day of his memorial a book he ordered from amazon arrived and it was the weirdest thing we have ever experienced. The talked about “The memoirs of love and loss” talking about a woman whose husband died in an accident and left her with two kids.
    Then the next thing was when I came back to the office I wanted to tidy up his desk and collect his personal belongings only to find that he had cleaned his desk and all the drawers where empty. The question is Could his Spirit have known that he was about to die?

    I feel so robbed of his life and wish I could raise him from the dead and give him slap.

  21. Hello there. I had my best friend’s life taken from her at her birthday. I am really upset and not sure what to do. I am feeling suicidal myself. Your article is really helpful. Thanks for it.

    My advice would be for anyone going through a horrible experience like this, is not to be alone and to stay sober. Drinking, and taking drugs will not make it go away, in fact it makes it harder to deal with it.

  22. The first year of losing my bestfriend is coming up, he passed away last year june 24 in a car accident.
    He struggled with addictions off and on. He lost his lover back in 2012. Someone i introduced to him..a friend of mine.
    I have always felt alot of thinfs are my fault. I still think hes messing with me, waiting for him to text or some crazy signal showing hes still out there.. he had just graduated college for physics and engineering. He was brilliant way way way smarter than me. Yet he wanted to hang with me. I was such a dick leading up to the end.. i didnt realise how i always came up with excuses to not be able to hangout.. or always doing what i want to do. He always did what i want more than what he wanted, the past few times he offered to go out to eat or hangout ,i blew him off woth ,i would man but im so tired from the baby and i gotta get up early.. im such a fool for doing that. Time with everyone you love is important,i should have fpubd a way to include my family with him more. But now i struggle woth spending time with my family too.. i am so unhappy, but i try to be positive and take care of responsibilties for my family and myself. I feel though, i wont be around much longer. I have no one to talk with late at night,or early mornings when i feel the most down.. i love life . And i dont want to die,or ens up insane..

  23. I lost my best friend Sandra on 13 June 2016. She committed suicide. She had what I later learned was a severe bipolar disorder. I had no idea, whenever I saw her she was pretty close to perfection. Never sad, always positive, always a breath of fresh air. Always strong, so completely true. When I learned of the true cause of her death, I hated her for for months, I never thought I would forgive her. Of course that changed, I accepted it, grieved, and went on remembering all that was good about her, every single memory over 30 years of friendship, every laugh we had, trip we took, men we dated – the good ones, the bad ones and those difficult times in our lives we helped each other through. I went on. I was fine. Or so I thought. There is a terrible feeling of loss that I feel now more than when she first died. It is not always present but when it comes it is sudden, but profound. I have other wonderful friends but I feel like no one really “gets me”, as she did. She was a lioness defender, always in my corner, closer than a sister I think would have ever been. I was blessed to have known her, few have such a good soul in their lives. I guess I’m posting now because I am trying to understand why the grief has presented itself this way, now.

  24. Saturday, May 12, marked the 1st anniversary since my closest friend died. I was very anxious and depressed as the day approached. I wanted to do some kind of ritual, but couldn’t think of anything. I wanted other friends who knew us to reach out to me, they didn’t. I used to always initiate; I don’t have the motivation to do that any more. My children knew how I was feeling. I have tried to tell them the various “phases” I’ve been going thru because some of them were destructive.
    I slept very late that day, maybe my subconscious was protecting me. I made some tea and cried. I took out the journal I’ve been keeping since she died, re-read what I’d written. Cried some more. Wrote some more. Lit candles. Sat quietly. A few hours later, I took a bath in epsom salts and lavender. That calmed my emotions.
    She was my satellite. My confidante. She knew me better than any friend. Our families were similar, there was never a need for explanation.
    What can I say to help you others “move on”? I don’t really have a solution. I have been candid with people when I was having a hard time, whether at work or out socially. Keep it simple. Don’t be afraid of the emotions.
    I found grief counselling very helpful. I gave myself 3 sessions, since I don’t have insurance for it. It was VERY difficult, but gave me new awareness of where I stand now.
    Laughter and joy comes back slowly. Don’t feel guilty if you can’t express it.
    I joined Weight Watchers because I was eating and drinking so much just to fill the hole from my loss. It has given me direction I couldn’t find for myself. I drink way less and have lost 20 pounds.
    Be gentle with yourselves and thank you for your stories.

  25. Okay, I’ve been lurking on this site for a little while, having experienced the same loss most others here have as well. I’m writing this more for me than for the world as this is my form of necessary therapy. Thank you for bearing with me.

    Kelly, my best friend, died in my home on March 12th. She was 36 about to be 37. She was also an IV drug user and hid this from me until her death.

    My name is Mark (I’m 44) and we dated for a couple of years before coming to the realization we made better friends. Since she had her own health issues and nowhere to stay, she moved into my spare bedroom. While we did date others, we were like an old married couple, without the marriage or coupling. I took her on doctor appointments, hospital visits, bought cigarettes, took her shopping anything and everything…not as a co-dependent, but as a friend. I believe you’re born into your blood family, but create a second family along the way in life through friends and Kelly was part of my second family. I’m a loner by nature without every having many close friends, so this was unusual…for me. But it really was something special to have my best friend around at 11pm at night to talk to about anything. We honestly cared for each other and even shared company of her cat.

    She had a lot of health issues, many from well before I met her. I knew she used opiates as a way to deal with her pain, but as time passed, their use increased and she eventually reached out for harder drugs to kill her pain. I admit, I saw all the signs of a worsening problem and I challenged her about it. But for as smart as I believe I am, she successfully fooled me while I successfully fooled myself that she could handle it. I offered help, many times, over the years, some of which she took. When her mother unexpectedly died 8 months ago, she fell into a depression and increased her use. I’m not into pills or injecting, though she was. Opiates gave way to herion…and her health got worse. I had no idea how bad things were until I cleaned up her room after her passing.

    With hindsight, I can now see the sepsis she caught was from using impure drugs. The month before her death she spent in the hospital after a drug induced seizure in my home helped her recover…but the same weekend she was released from the hospital, she tried using and while I made lunch, she slowly was dying in her room. When I checked in if she wanted lunch, I found her breathing shallow and it just didn’t seem right. I shook her, even slapped her across the face to wake her up, get a response, but I got nothing. Called 911 and to their credit, arrived moments later…but to no avail. My best friend died in my arms and there wasn’t a goddam thing I could do by then.

    This happened over a month ago and while I now take care of her cat and have the support of my family (folks), I still go through my day, feeling like I’m an actor just playing a part. And I’m not a good actor.

    I don’t have answers on how this situation resolves. If I was a better friend, maybe I could have done more. Maybe I should’ve realized a speech about getting off of drugs is useless without action. Maybe if I was more cognizant of her own inner pain, I would have had known what to do. But I didn’t. And that’s just the way it is.

    All I can tell you is that I’m happier having known her than to have avoided knowing her at all. Even though her ending sucked, for many years she was my best friend and I appreciate having had her be that in my life. And I feel satisfied knowing that I was that in hers. In that respect, the ending matters less than the joy we shared. I miss her, expect I always will…and if there is an afterlife, I’m looking forward to catching up 40+ years from now.

  26. my best friend died today by suicide and it hurts a lot. im thankful for this article because without it i would never have been the same thank you so, so much

  27. Virginia Mariposa DaleMay 2, 2018 at 3:07 amReply

    My dearest friend died of cancer on Friday. I knew she was dying; she had called me and asked me to just tell her I loved her, which I did. Then the facility she was in, she had become spastic and unable to care for herself because she’d taken so many drugs to combat what was diagnosed as paranoid schizophrenia, called and left a detailed message about her death on Friday. I had hoped I’d never get this call; she and I met at age 15 in Hawaii; we were Navy juniors attending the same high school and became fast friends with two other girls as well. My father was passed over for captain, so my family moved to Los Angeles from Hawaii, and I went through some lonely times, but I’m outgoing and eventually found someone with my absurdist sense of humor and life went on. I graduated from college, got a job, worked, saved money and bought a one-way ticket to Madrid to learn Spanish, which had been my minor subject. Kathy, my friend, went to art school, painted, drank, smoked like a fiend and did everything with the obsessive passion that ran in her family. When she was 22, her parents gave an art exhibit for their wealthy neighborhood, and Kathy had to come through. She painted till the wee hours and was a nervous wreck by the time of the exhibit, which wasn’t her idea as she was a sensitive introvert. When a neighbor made a nasty remark about one of her abstract paintings, she jumped over the third floor bannister and broke her pelvis plus was considered crazy. All of my friends have lived on the wild side and so have it. We reconnected at the age of 40 when her father looked up my father’s phone number in the Annapolis year book. They connected me to Kathy and I was horrified to hear of the immense pain, attempted suicides and the chasm of hell she’d fallen into. She was a goofy but happy girl when I knew her in Hawaii. We talked and wrote and she came to visit me in Santa Barbara (which I find utterly boring) where we spent a magical day wanderlusting through town. I read “Ode to a Skylark” by Percy Shelley to her in my backyard. She bought a statue of the Virgin Mary as it was Jesus who brought her out of the asylum they put her in after the leap over the bannister that changed her life forever. We were closer than ever and she saw a piece of art I’d done in a class and encouraged me to paint, which I did, sending her pictures of my attempts. I had just married a much younger Mexican man (he was 26; I was 40) who dropped me when I didn’t get pregnant. I had loved him and thought it was forever, so I had a nervous breakdown as I’m also sensitive and far from shallow. Kathy and her mother would take desperate calls from me in the wee hours of the morning and then I would feel reassured, loved and be able to sleep. They saw me though the worst years of my life. Now I’m 75 and most of my artist friends have died of alcohol abuse or just freezing to death in a car, homeless. These people had been famous in their fields, especially John Hutnick, a Toyota car designer among other things. I’ve had novels published and am also passionate, but no longer about men or women. I would like to lead a fairly simple life at this point, although my novel, Rich White Americans, is coming out in a few months. Getting a cat or dog won’t suffice to fill the voids left by these friends, and losing Kathy, to whom I could tell anything and I have a lot to tell, seems to have broken me. I am a host mom for international students, which gives me interesting people to cook dinner for and exchange ideas, sympathies, but it’s not enough. I’ve led a rich life and am in good health, but I can’t sleep.

  28. You see, my best friend of 35+ years passed away last Saturday (we have know each other since nursery and kindergarten).

    This was terrible news. My wife called me Saturday morning April 28 (as I was in a business group) informing me that the youngest sister of my best friend called her regarding the condition of my Best friend. He was in critical condition and in a coma in the Intensive Care unit of the Hospital. Upon hearing I picked up my wife at home and immediately proceeded to the Hospital. I was still able to see him and talk to him (his mother said to talk to him in his coma since he could still hear). He was in very bad condition an just the machines keeping him alive.

    To cut the long story short, he passed away that day. And I was able to witness this till his final moments. This really affected me and I have been trying to keep things calm, going about my usual weekday at work, But I found it really difficult. Honestly I went to work today with a heavy heart even though yesterday I spend some happy time with the family and kids.(it was a holiday here May 1) I’m questioning myself if what I am feeling is normal. Of course I don’t want to distract myself and I want to focus on my work. But the past few days have been difficult. Tonight will be the last day of his wake and tomorrow will be the burial rites. I took a leave tomorrow for this.

    I don’t know anyone from my network who has gone through this situation

    I really would like to hear how you were able to go through (and move on) after an event like this

  29. I lost my most best friend in the entire world 3 weeks ago on April 10th. She and I had been friends since my family moved into our neighborhood over 18 years ago. We shared everything including each other’s family.. we were sisters. When we went to collage she went to Pittsburgh and I went to Ohio. Even tho we were miles apart and didn’t have to talk everyday, we were still thicker than glue.
    She had came home to visit an attend a funeral of a relative the weekend of the 6th . Tuesday the 10th I get a txt in the morning saying she was going to walk up to come see me, I got the coffee started. She came up, I was showing her the house because she hadn’t seen it since we redid it.. we walked out on the back deck just chatting and laughing like we do.. she sees the big pine tree in the backyard and it’s like she was drawn to it.. growing up we Always climed trees, it’s what we did! We were monkeys, everyone who knew Jennifer knows shes crazy and energetic ..So it wasn’t long before she climes into that great tree, laughing and having a great time just like when we were younger.. on her way down I heard a little “yulp” and then the fast russling of the branches followed by her body and a big “thump”. The unspeakable had happned, she fell out of my tree. I run to her side ( I was watching her from the deck while drinking my coffee) She didn’t move, and it took her a second to start breathing, I call 911 and go get my fiancee, I call her brother and mom to come to my house NOW. It felt like hrs waiting for the squad to arrive. My fiancee was trying to keep her brother and mother calm. We just knew for some reason it wasn’t good. She die a few times on the way to the hospital. While at the hospital they worked on her for a long as they could. But God had already took her. There wasn’t a scratch on her.. all internal. She was 28years old. And would have been 29 on May 13 mother’s day this year.. she went out of this world doing what she did best,… being herself, living life, being carefree and so happy. I just found out im pregnant, we had been trying for the last few months.. I can’t help but think she in heaven had something to do with it.. it brings me comfort in thinking so. Jennifer was my other half, she was the only person in my life who I truly shared Everything with. I look out my windows and see that tree everyday. But I tell myself and others around me that she wouldent want us to be sad and dwell about what happned.. she would want us to be happy, like she was. So the tree is a happy place for me now. She’s with me when im there, I feel her with me all the time. I’ll miss her Everyday for the rest of my life 💕💔

  30. I lost my friend on 28th April, 2018. She was fighting with secondary breast cancer in brain for two years. She was just 28 and we had a close bonding of friendship since the past 9 yrs. I still don’t want to believe that she is no more. Though she was very strong through the time after her diagnosis, she would be weakened mentally time and again. However, she never let anyone know how weak she gets at times.

    I had so much to gossip with her, had made plans to gift her some really cute stuffs on her birthday, i.e June 16. I so much regret for delaying to gossip and giving her gifts. It is killing me inside. Now after her death, I was going through certain articles to know how to deal with someone fighting with cancer, I learnt that I was doing certain things wrong. I should have read it much earlier and I could have made her more happier in her final days.

    I have been crying time and again alone since a year expecting to lose her soon. But when I actually lose her, I have so much confusion, regret and sorrow in me. I have been crying much louder and don’t want to do anything else rather than recalling my past memories with her. I am thinking how she might have been feeling on the final days, trying to assure that she was not in much pain and trying to analyze if she had a good life overall.

    I pray to god to rest her soul in peace.

  31. I lost the love of my life March 26. after being in the hospital for a week after a motorcycle wreck. he was going to lose his leg, which he may have been emotionally okay with.. who knows? I gave up our relationship as lovers 25 years ago because I could not live his lifestyle. but i never gave up on him, nor did i ever stop loving him… i never loved again. i went thru the motions of long term relationships, but always felt that my heart was with him. We remained Loves, but not lovers. We were true loves. soul mates. We were always there for each other. we may have taken 2 different paths but our hearts were still as one. We loved each other unconditionally for ever and ever. No one could ever break our bond.

  32. Hi, I think your blog might be having browser compatibility issues.
    When I look at your website in Firefox, it looks fine but when opening in Internet Explorer, it has some overlapping.
    I just wanted to give you a quick heads up!
    Other then that, amazing blog!

  33. My best friend has taken his own life 3 weeks ago, through years of depression and Mental Illness. We had been best friends for 25 years, yet the last few years his struggles led him to be paranoid and believe I was trying to ruin his life. He convinced himself and his parents nobody liked him, in fact people hated him. This couldn’t be further from the truth, so many people loved him!. He was funny, intelligent, someone I always aspired to be like. I tried to help him so much as did many others but his troubles always got the better of him. It got to the point where he pushed me away so much and I helplessly walked away as everything I did and said seemed to make him only worse. He was sectioned, and spent some time in a hospital but was never really the same. He came to my house many times shouting and screaming about how angry he was with me for no logical reason. Talking nonsense. I just wanted to put my arms around him and comfort him. But I couldn’t, it was liked he hated me and all our years of friendship were just gone. He was taken to the hospital many times by his parents after confessing to them he wanted to die, and then one Sunday night, a public holiday weekend his Dad took him to the local hospital where he told staff he son was suicidal and threatening to kill himself, again. He was told to come back the next day as they did not have the staff to cope with the particular situation as well as being a public holiday. There was no tomorrow for my friend Chris. That night he took his life!.
    I can’t let go, I’m so angry with him but so sad at the same time! I’m so upset that he suffered so much and couldn’t reach out! It’s such a cruel confusing world. I feel like I now feel his pain, the pain he felt which led him to do what he did. Yet I feel relieved that he is no longer enduring what must have been an insufferable pain which lead him to do what he did. The emotions are just too much most days.

  34. My best friend AND god sister was killed a few years ago, and I still feel like my heart is broken. Of course, I made other friends sinse then, but many people don’t understand. One girl was talking about Pretty Little Liars, and was joking around saying, ” What would you do, If your best friend was killed?” I really don’t want to tell anyone what happened, but then I was about to scream, “SHE WAS!” I totally am thinking of all of you who went through what I went through. I am still very young and lost my freind when she was only six and I was five, but that dosen’t delute the pain I still feel today.

  35. I am not good at getting close to anyone really…my best friend was killed over money or drugs or both i keep tryin to figure out why and the why is something he had nothing to do with. three years before he died on jan 11, 2018 he swore arian nation was gonna kill him for somethin he didnt even do. and sure enough it seems like they have. and some of who are involved were his close friends…he was my only friend when he died cuz all my other friends shut me out for bein his friend and refusing to give up on him cuz even though he was a shitty friend he was honest about it and always made it up to me by giving me his time and friendship…from stealing 200 dollars from me to leaving me stranded numerous times his catch phrase was “stay mad or get over it, we are still friends.” and we were cuz despite all that if he called i was right there except the day he died. i had gotten where i couldnt take anymore emotionally and mentally and abandoned him to go to crossville where my granny lived when i didnt wanna stay there by myself i spent two days tryin to get my ex who was also his brother to come get me on jan 10 i got frank to meet me in cookeville and bring me home but the next day it was too late to make up too late to make sure he was ok too late to save him. i never got to say sorry for leaving or for breaking his heart i never got to show him all the things i wrote to and about him that he never knew i wrote. the foundation of our friendship was silence and getting lost when our families seemed to hate us…he was always the realest friend i had made sure i knew i was a good girl and deserved the best but i never cared i was in love with him and he felt the same but our friendship always came first so we just stayed friends mostly cuz im sure im psychotic and he could only handle me in doses when we were around other people but when it was just us you would think we were friends who grew up together cuz we werent afraid to tell eachother the truth even when it hurt thats why he was my best friend cuz he made sure i always knew the truth and he was one of a kind cuz i never had another friend like him and now i lost him and now i dont have anyone to telll me im trippin or to go to rehab cuz im so bad off i cant write him when hes in jail anymore im never gonna get that call where i drop everything to rush to make sure he is safe and not stranded. he will never walk through my door again doin the dishes for us my mom will never have that one kid she took in as hers and the song what ifs by kane brown that he said described us perfectly is goin to haunt me the rest of my life…….

  36. Last year lots A frind that save my life when I was a baby he was a Emt that save my life I was Rally cloess to

  37. It’s been almost two months that my best friend died. We’ve been going to church, I am not a religious person but just her family have been very kind to me, I can’t let them down just because I don’t believe in any god. I know them for so many years and I feel they are the only ones who understand my pain. I wanted so bad to dream about her, after her accident I wasn’t able to do it until last week, she kind of made fun of me because I told her I have been crying so much, she looked just like the last day we spend time together.
    I had to go to therapy and he asked me to let her go and I know I have to do it but at the same time I don’t want to, it’s like realizing she’s actually gone. I’ve cried every day and it’s not like I want to, it just happen.
    I keep messaging her as often as I can and it’s sad to accept that she won’t reply ever again.
    I miss her so much!
    I will always need her in my life and I don’t know how to face the fact that I won’t see her again.
    Te extraño, te quiero y te necesito ITA.

  38. Hi, i’m reading all of those stories and crying from the pain. I lose my friend in 3 March 2018. He was fighting with one kind of tumor for two years and i did’t know. I know him form high school and we talked one time too much for 3 years. We have sympathy in each other but because of our family we couldn’t be together. Still he was my best friend even we were so different. He always told me everything about his family even that i never meet them and we share to many secrets. He wrote me in this September and after i ask him how are you he did’t replay to me. I’m dying from the pain and my family don’t understand that. I went today to his parents but my pain is growing everyday. I feel to much regret and this is killing me. I really love him even i’m not good with words and i never told him. Everyone here thinks that i’m overreacting but saying the truth i’m dying inside .

  39. My best friend died suddenly 11 days ago. The grief I feel is very strong. He was my confidante, my buddy, my rock, my everything. I still can’t believe I will never see him or talk to him again. Part of me thinks this is a bad joke and he will text me tonight. I miss him so much. It is very true that others don’t recognize the loss of a friend as they do other losses. His death has hit me harder than other deaths I have experienced and I’m not sure why.

  40. My best friend died November 2017, it’s been 5 months and the pain still cuts deep. However on the other side people feel like you taking too long to grieve, can’t you be over it? People don’t realize that family is not just blood. My friend was like a sister to me. She was my kids’ Godmother and good at it. She was my rock, my pillar of strength and my confidant. No other person had my back and believed in me like she did, not even my family. So the hole that she left in my heart in my life is just too big. I’m attending a Group Share session at church but I feel it’s not reaching to me. It’s too family centric about death and not really reaching to me and what I’m going through. I just wish grieving for a friend was not overlooked like currently is. I wish people understood exactly how it is like, and don’t rush me to finish grieving, I wish they could be more supportive instead of rushing me to get over it

  41. I lost my best friend to sickle cell anaemia last year. He was the only one I could talk to. And I mean the only one who took me through my tough times. My heart still hurts, I still send him messages whenever I need someone to talk to, I still tell him how my day went and rough patches I go through. Life is never the same without you Isaac. I am torn apart and unsure of many things. You were my strength, my advisor and a shoulder to lean on when things got too tense. I love you and hope to see you someday.

  42. In March 16 th my soul mate and best friend died very very unexpected. She had a form of leukemia that is very subtle and had no symptoms and hemmoraged in her brain. I am in a weird state of emotion. Like I am in a bad dream. She was a part of my soul and I want to call her and say , guess what happened! But I can’t cuz it was her it happened to!
    I think I am still in shock and it is so hard to process. I don’t know what I will do without her. She was my other half. I feel overwhelmed and empty at the same time.

  43. I lost my friend,been together for 50 years,since infant school.Can’t get over it,miss him so much. Part of the family,kids and grandkids loved him.Did everything together,Football,motorbikes and loads of drinking.My phone has never been so quiet.

  44. Hi Everyone,

    I have been reading a lot of your comments recently and share many of emotions that are affecting you all. They’re all heart breaking to read, most of you share very descriptive/positive memories that you cherish. Some of you are suffering very recent losses (Len, Diane, Chelsea) while others (Manette) have had more time to reflect and heal a little. Let me take a moment to give you a background about how I found this website.

    In early January I found out that a childhood friend of mine passed away, we had lost touch in recent years but from time to time we would reconnect and play basketball etc…. He died the night he returned from a new years trip to New York to visit his sister’s family. He returned home from his flight, went to sleep and didn’t wake up. His cause of death is still very unclear.

    After I went home from attending his funeral, I reflected on my past 6 years. Since 2011, I have lost 4 friends from the ages of 25-31. Two of those friends I was very close to and two of those friends committed suicide. Needless to say, I have been to way too many funerals lately for friends who passed away way too young.

    I can tell you all that I have cycled through the devastating feelings that most of you are enduring right now. You are so emotionally damaged that your heart feels miles away, you feel like nothing matters and no matter what anybody says or does for you, your heart sinks deeper and deeper everyday.

    This is all very normal and it is something that will subside over time. YesI know, the pain is unbearable right now. It hurts to look at pictures and read past messages (I would still do it if I didn’t switch phones), when you do, the floodgates open. One step that everyone here has done for their grieving process is find this site. It is very important to talk to someone about your feelings, this website is a very public forum yet this thread is very specific to our needs at the moment. Keep posting here and sharing how you feel, no matter how brief it is. Another step you can take when you’re ready is talking to someone verbally. You can talk to a friend, family member or even a therapist if you .

    Your broken heart will start to repair over time, it doesn’t seem that way, but I promise it will. However, you will never heal completely, but this is NOT a BAD thing. You see, the death of a best friend will NEVER be forgotten (as it should not), this moment in your life has been cemented in your life. As time passes and we build on current and new relationships, our heart will mend, the hole in our heart will get smaller. It may take a year or many years, but one day you will look back on your time with your best friend and feel joy over sadness. You will get misty eyed when you recall all the fond memories you both had, but that just represents the strong bond that you both had. Personally, I still feel a combination of guilt and ungodly sadness when I think about the losses I have had recently (in particular two close friends), it is a process. But I know and I assure you all that things will get better if you let it. Slowly reach out when you’re ready. It’s okay to break down wherever and whenever because we don’t know when or where we will be when we see or hear something that reminds us of our best friend. Even though none of us know each other, I feel like we are all connected to each other, I’m here for you guys.

    I hope this post helps some of you,

    Kevin

  45. I’m here because I lost my friend who is like a sister to me on March 11, 2018 due to a Rheumatic Heart disease. Just a few minutes ago I cried in my work station… I couldn’t help it. After her death, I would cry at anytime at any given situation. Sometimes I’m okay, but when the pain comes, it feels like I’m being drowned with grief, pain, lonliness and guilt. She wa suffering from this disease years before her death, but it only became worse last Feb.2017 after she has giveb birth. I was shocked wheb I found out that all 4 valves of her heart has some blockage. She needed surgery and she needed it soon. The last time I saw her was on October 2017, it was her daugther’s baptismal, she was so thin like just the shadow of what she used to be, but still very pretty. That day we only got to talk a few times because she was so busy and we couldn’t talk so much in the church. A few days after the baptismal, I startes e-mailing and messaging different organizations that could help her, I tried the open heart organization, but sadly they couldn’t operate on her because they don’t have a mission in my country. But even though I have not finished reading the response of the organization I already burst to tears, I thought it was good news that finally she will have that surgery, so I cried and cried, I had trouble breathing and I was shaking. I really want that surgery for her you see, she’s the best person I’ve ever known. She was my light and my sister from another mom. I feel so guilty that I was not able to finish the gofund me page or facebook page we started for her. I feel so guilty for not talking to her often and for not seeing her all those years. Our friendship started I guess when I was 23 or 24, I am 32 now. But I knew her from my sister because they are friends first from college. We came to live together because she does not have any place to stay with when she was working at the Airport. So I took her in, I would say that has been the best decision I’ve ever made. We would eat outside after her work, and when it’s my off, we would take home the street foods and sing and listen to some Christian songs because she’d like to be a Christian at that time. We would talk about the bible and other important and mundane things in the world. We would laugh at each other for the littlest things, she’ll cook and I’ll eat. Gosh I miss her so much! Over the years we would still communicate through google hangout, messenger and text. She never failed to greet me on my Birthday, but I forget hers sometimes. I feel like I’ve let her down when she died, I feel so responsible for her….but now it’s too late!!!! She’s been gone for more than week and all my plans for her will never be. I am so hurt and lost, like you, I lost my will to do anything and at times I thought maybe dying isnt a bad idea afterall. If I die, I know she will be there for me. I miss her so…..I love you Armafel. My sister.

  46. I lost my best friend of 47 years Feb 9,2017. Dennis and I met when we were thirteen and from day one were like family. He was my constant companion through thick and thin. When I turned eighteen and moved to another state, he followed. When I married and my son came along I named him after my friend. Dennis was always there if I needed him and I was there for him. When he died, he was living just across the street from my house. He was single and had a room mate. I came down with the flu and could not visit him for fear of giving him the bug. That would have been a disaster as he had a liver transplant ten years earlier and was on drugs to suppress his immune system. His room mate left for the weekend and when they returned they came running to my house to tell me they had found my friend dead in his room. I went over to see if he might still be alive and found him there in his bed, eyes still open. I will never forget how I felt seeing him and knowing it would be the last time I would ever see him again. We found out he had died alone and been dead for two days. I was crushed. I am still crushed and feel alone and lost. I have lost interest in everything and it just seems like each day is an effort to get through. I find myself breaking out in tears for no reason at all. It just comes on when I least expect it. I feel like I let my friend down by not being there when he needed me the most. I was sick and knew to stay away until I got better but I still feel guilty for not being with him and possibly helping him. I miss him more than I can say and I know there will never be another like him. I wish somehow I could just have a few minutes more with him so I could tell him how much he meant to me and how important he was in my life. It’s been over a year since he passed on and it still feels like yesterday. Seems like I will never get past this.

  47. My best friend was my rock. I will miss you my friend. We were friends for 42 years. We once lived together but we were more like sister and brother so we put that to an end. We continued to be friends all these years. It bothers me that he died alone on his kitchen floor after being very ill for a couple of years. I called that day 3 different times. The following morning he still didn’t answer so I checked with the hospital before contacting another friend who lived close to him. The police did a wellness check and my friend said he found him on the kitchen floor. I kick myself for not moving sooner. He was in such pain and now he is not. How are we to know when our friend is about to die? We don’t. We should not hold ourselves responsible because God has decided to rescue him from pain. I find it hard to cry because I am in disbelief and I don’t know how long it will take before I accept the fact that my dear friend is really, really, gone. I really, really loved him.

  48. On February 10, 2018 I lost my best friend. His name is Malik. He was 19. I lost him to suicide. He went out into his backyard and shot himself in the head. He was pronounced dead about 4 hours later. I don’t know how to deal with this. Its been over a month, but I still cry everyday. He was my go-to, my Freaky Maliky. I don’t think he realized how much we all care about him. I love him with all my heart and I should’ve told him that more. He always helped me when I was depressed, but never talked to anyone when he was. I knew he was depressed, I just didn’t think it was as bad as it was. He dropped everything one day and drove an hour just to take me to Chipotle when I got into a fight with my mom. That was only about 3 weeks before he died. I don’t know how to handle that im never going to sit in his bed and watch movies anymore. Hes never gonna make anymore jokes about sending nudes again. We are never gonna go to that damn apple orchard and miss all the activities, and end up going to get coffee and pizza instead. That happened 2 years in a row. It was a tradition at that point. Hes not going to be at friends Christmas anymore. I don’t know how we are supposed to have friends Christmas anymore if hes not there. This was supposed to be our summer together before everyone went their separate ways to college or the military. How am I supposed to enjoy anything without him? He was my boy. He still is my boy, and I miss him so fucking much and I don’t know how to handle it. How am I supposed to go from talking to him and seeing him everyday, to never talking to him again? And I want to be so mad at him, but how can I be when I know exactly how he felt. All of us have depression, that’s why we all got along so well. All we did was joke about how much we wanted to die to mask the fact that we did want to. Humor is all of our coping mechanism. One time we took a fucking poll on who we thought would kill themselves first out of everyone in the group. He was not who we thought it was going to be. The only time ive ever been mad at him is when I listen to 1-800-273-8255 by Logic, because Malik knew every word to that song and had memorized the phone number as a joke. He even carried around a card with the number on it that they gave out at my school, and he would give it to people as a joke. I cant even listen to love songs the same. because they all seem like they are about him now. “for him.” by Troye Sivan really gets to me. a verse it “jump starting your car ’cause the cities a bore, buying e-cigarettes at the convenience store” Towards the end his car would need jumped like once a week because of how shitty it was. No matter how shitty it was, ill always love it. I spent the better half of the last 3 years in that car. On his 18th birthday we went to our job because we both worked at a resturaunt/store at the time. He bought an e-cig just because he could now, and he got so pissed off when they didn’t ID him. Another verse was “We take jokes way too far, and sometimes livings too hard” We always took jokes way too far. He was half black, half Mexican. And most of his friends were white girls. He would always try to get us to say racial slurs, which is too far, but that’s just how he was. And we are all depressed teens. Living is too hard for all of us, especially now. I dont know how to be okay again. I know its gonna take a while, but im so over crying and being sad and I know that’s not how it works but im just so fucking sad.

  49. I’m crying as I type this as well…. January 30th, 2018 God called my best friend and her sister home. I’ve been friends with Tonieadra for over 7 years. We shared very special moments with each other. We both became pregnant in high school & graduated with our class among the statics. I was with her when she delivered my god child, (Her daughter). I hid in the closet while she gave birth… She was by my side for my wedding in 2015. Those are just a few moments I thank god for allowing her in my life. It was an honor being her best friend. Through the laughs, arguments and fights our friendship always stayed strong. I’ll never meet another Tonieadra. Tuesday January 30th Tonieadra was taking her sister Tierra to high school when they ran off the road and hit a tree. Then died…. When my best friend left apart of me went with her. She was my other half.. What hurts the most is because 2 days prior we were talking about our friendship and how much we loved each other. I decided to buy friendship necklaces which had our initials on it. When I told her she was excited and said “awww, we never had a friendship thing before an can I please move back to Ga.” currently I moved from her because my husband is in the military… but that didn’t stop our friendship. She’s drove 9 hours to visit me in my new state. Not once but twice in the same year. She was one of my realist friends. I’ll never forget about her. I’m still in shock & I cry almost everyday. I’m really taking this hard. One day I wanted to just go to heaven already. I can’t believe I won’t be able to grow old with her & watch her get married. That’s all she ever talked about…. she wanted to have more kids. She just got promoted at work. Her life was really getting started. We are only 22 years old. And haven’t really lived. And her poor sister was only 17years old. Didn’t make it to graduation or prom. I understand everything happens for a reason. And this life isn’t permanent. But sometimes I wonder why them.

  50. As I write this my eyes are filled with tears. I lost my best friend Elliot on Febuary 12th, 2018, he was in a car accident on his way home. He was in the hospital since December 14th, 2017. I spoke to his sister and Dad all the way through and I kept hearing that he was getting better, I never expect to here that he didn’t make it 😭. We went to high school together, though we were never classmate, we became friends so randomly and he was the best friend I ever had. We spoke literally almost every single day. I knew his secrets, weakness, dreams and he knew mine. I just can’t cope with him not being around anymore, and every time I think about him I just start crying. Sometimes I feel like I’m forgetting about him and that I’m a bad friend because I don’t want to think about it too much. Tonight I thought about it the heaviest and I cried so much I couldn’t breathe. It’s never easy losing a friend, he’s the closest person I have ever lost.

  51. I lost my best friend yesterday. It was a 22 years old friendship. people keep comforting me saying she’s not in pain anymore, but I am sorry if I am selfish, I wish she was still with us, but not in such a pain. It was too much to handle for her.

    I don’t know how many people experienced the same feeling as me, when she was at the hospital last week, a friend took me to the movie theater on valentine’s day, he picked the movie so I could get distracted between laughs and pop corn but In my mind I kept thinking: “I am here, watching a movie but SHE CAN’T, she’s at the hospital, less than a mile away from me”. She was involved in a gas explosion and she got seriously hurt, she survived one week, I really thought she was going to make it but then yesterday I received “the call”, my world collapsed. I still can’t understand why she died like that, she was such an amazing girl, daughter, sister and best friend. I can’t accept the way her story ended, we had so many plans together, she had so many plans and I was going to be there to support her but now she’s gone. Her funeral is in two days, my heart shrinks just thinking about it, fortunately her family knows me and accepts me, her youngest sister, in her grief, called me to ask how I was because they know how much I love Ita (that’s how we call her).
    I really feel empty, alone. I thank people for giving me their best wishes and stuff but I feel lost without her and it hasn’t been a week and I already feel I lost the path. I am not a religious person so I have no god to “blame”, I am mad, furious for what happened and how it happened. The accident wasn’t even her fault.
    I feel that no friend understand my pain.
    I don’t know how to stop feeling guilty for being a live. I can breath, she can’t. I can touch, smell, see, walk, she can’t. My life won’t be the same anymore, I know. I won’t have her near to just say hi and hear her voice. I couldn’t do anything to save her and that makes me feel frustrated. Who am I or how I dare to seek for happiness when she can’t be anymore. Did I fail her?

    I saw her two days before the accident, it was a regular Sunday afternoon, we laughed, we talked serious and not so serious stuff, we talked about our plans, we listened 50s music, she sang, (she loved to sing), now, the only thing left about her voice are videos and voice messages, we had a couple glasses of wine, had some cheese, a few hrs past and we said good-bye, If i knew that was the last time I was going to see her I could’ve hugged her and tell her for the last time how proud I was and how much I loved her, she knew, I told her many times in 22 years but one last wouldn’t hurt us. but now, she’s not here anymore. We never had a fight, (is that normal?), our lives were so much alike even if we were very different. That worked for us.
    When my grandma got cancer, we knew she was going to past away but my best friend was a 34 years old healthy, pretty and brave girl who now is gone in the most painful way. She didn’t deserve to die…she didn’t deserve to die like that.

    How will I face the fact she’s not with me anymore?
    How will stop feeling guilty for doing the things she won’t be able to do anymore?
    Who am I going to talk private stuff?
    HOW AM I GOING TO SURVIVE WITHOUT HER?
    please help me to go through this, it is very painful.

    • I lost my best friend, today. We considered each other sisters.im so sad and lost. I wish I could talk to you.

      • It”s been 10 days after she died. I’ve been very quiet and calm but the worst comes every night. I still send her inbox messages telling her how much I miss her. Her funeral was very painful but going to the cemetery and see her coffin going down was devastated I . I feel like part of my life died with her.
        If you need to talk with someone I am here at anytime.

        • I am glad I am not the only one, still sending messages! I felt a bit silly still texting my friend, but I found it to be very therapeutic since no one realised how deep our friendship was, or the nature thereof and if I told anyone how I felt, they would not understand! So I text her, telling her exactly how I feel, my pain, telling her about my regrets (not visiting her more often), and just everyday stuff. It is a month since my friend passed away, and for everyone else life seems to have gone back to normal, but I still have this sense of emptiness, feeling a little lost still!

    • ” I can’t accept the way her story ended..’ i still feel like that, tho it hasn’t been a year yet for me losing my bff. i think everything you’re feeling is normal. there is no reason to criticize yourself. feelings are never wrong. i try to move along with them; i don’t owe anyone an explanation, i’m just polite in public.
      how am i moving thru day after day? i don’t know. i just put one foot in front of the other. time doesn’t heal but it does let in other experiences as we process. i don’t always participate in what’s going on around me, but being on the sidelines isn’t so bad.
      i’m so sorry for your sudden, awful loss. she loved you as much as you love her.

      • Thank you for your words. It’s been 10 days and I feel completely lost. I miss our texts, calls, our plans. I saw her 2 days before the accident, we text the day before, If I knew that was the last time I was going to see her I would’ve hugged her and tell her for the last time how much I loved her and what she meant to me. She knew but still. I know she would like me to be happy but it’s just hard not having her in my life anymore.

    • Diana, I can relate and that is what makes this website so valuable – there are so many amazing people here who are total strangers to us, but somehow they know our exact feelings and often have more compassion and understanding than family members. I posted here a few days ago for I too have to cope with a friend’s passing, and in my case it was also the manner in which I lost her, that makes it twice as hard. She was murdered by someone she knew, someone whom she often gave a lift to work, and for some reason on the morning of the 6th February something just snapped and he murdered her on their way to work. However hard it is, one has to try and block out all the images that pop into your head, try and forget how this beautiful person’s life was ended. Tomorrow it would be three weeks, but it does not get easier, especially if you had such a deep and special relationship. Reminders all around me! So, all I am trying to say, is all these feelings are normal, and like Marion said, you are allowed to feel this way! There are a lot of people here who understand what you are going through, and use this forum when it feels like you are all alone in your pain and grief. xx

      • I keep thinking on all the pain she suffered. Ita was involved in a gas explosion in her apartment. When the ambulance took her to the hospital she was conscious, she spoke with her brother and mom, she knew what happened to her, she was screaming and she was under morphine but we thought she was going to make it, I was mentally prepared to help her in rehab. She didn’t deserve to die in such an awful way.
        Friends avoid talking to me. Just a few have messaged me to see how I am. I have another ‘best friend’ but I am very disappointed, I don’t feel any support from her. I understand now that I lost the only best friend I had.
        I am sorry you lost your BFF.

  52. I started reading some of these posts and feel a little bit of despair, since I lost my best friend two weeks ago and feel devastated, and some people here are still struggling with the same feelings years after losing their friends! We’ve known each other for only six years, but it felt like a lifetime. If there is something like love at first sight, then we had friendship at first sight! We lived in different parts of the country, but had regular contact. No one really knew the nature of our friendship, but it was a once in a lifetime kind of relationship we had. I am sure most of you would know exactly what I mean… Like my other twin. I have never met her family, except for her two young children, but I knew everything about them, since we talked about everything. Two weeks ago she was murdered by someone whom she tried to help, and this makes it twice as difficult for me to accept, because that is just the kind of loving and caring person she was. I now have to cope with this terrible loss as well as the manner in which she passed. My family does not understand the depth of our friendship, and I think my husband always saw her of a bit of a threat because we were so close, which leaves me with no support system. I do not know how I am going to get through this, because everywhere around me is so many reminders of her. And the finality gets me every day, when I just want to quickly send her a message, and realise NEVER again would I receive anything back, or see her, or hear her voice.

    • i’m so sorry for your loss, josey. you’re right, we do continue to struggle with our loss. that’s the nature of love and the nature of loss.

      for myself i can say, i’m doing better “transitioning into the new normal”. it helped being able to come here. grief counseling helped. friends who knew us help still. weight watchers is helping me with my binge-eating and binge-drinking.

      i don’t know what the answer is, but we were so very lucky to have these special people in our lives. it wouldn’t hurt if they weren’t special.

      please be gentle with yourself. your feelings are your feelings, and here we respect them.

      • Thank you Marion, that is is good way of putting it: adjusting to the new normal. Right now it feels as if nothing will ever be normal again, but I know in time it will get better. And yes, they were very special, and I am forever thankful that I met my friend when I did, although she was only lent to my for a few years. I decided to steal her motto and make it my own: Tomorrow the sun will shine again. Today though, it is still a bit cloudy.

  53. I lost my bestie of 24 years suddenly last month from an accidental overdose. I am heartbroken and upset. We have been through so much in life together and I never could have made it through many of my downs in life without her. I miss her and always will more than I could ever explain. I am upset with myself because I realized after the fact that she’s had a problem and didn’t want me to know only her husband. I’m hurt because I should have been there to help her and didn’t. I’m in disbelief because I have been open and honest with her and I don’t even believe what he is saying. I guess I feel like if there was something bothering her then she would have told me. I feel like he prevented me from knowing because he had a problem himself. Her mom didn’t know either and she lived with her which makes it more questionable. Anyways I was looking online and there is nothing really about how to cope when your best friend dies. I feel disconnected from many people because they don’t even understand. She was like a sibling to me and nothing will ever replace that. She has two beautiful girls that now have to get to know their dad that they haven’t seen and learn to adjust to having their grandmother raise them. The whole situation is sad. I wish that I could have done something to help her. I can’t help but feel that way. I told a friend and she told me not to think like that because it was her time. I disagree completely and it’s really not healthy for me to think like that because to me it wasn’t her time. To me she still had plenty of life and time and it isn’t fair. It isn’t fair. I just want to be able to feel and I think how I do because it is how I cope. I can’t make an explanation in my head of something that happened and think it’s suppose to be that way. Things can change and we have the power to change and turn things around. Addiction is difficult for the addict and the people that are closest to them. It doesn’t mean that we can’t win this but we have to keep trying. It’s not suppose to be okay to let the addiction win. It’s not supposed to be that way and I just needed to say it. I need to say it because I believed in her to be one of the strongest women in my life that I looked up to because she made it okay not to be perfect and she made it okay to keep trying to make life better. I believe in that because it’s hope and hope can take a person far. My friend telling me that it is suppose to happen made me feel like there shouldn’t be hope and we should accept things as they are. She has no idea because she hasn’t experienced anything like this and she cannot judge in this way.

    • Hi Carolina,

      I am so completely sorry for your loss. I understand where you are coming from and know how unfair addiction is. I just want to start off by saying that you should never have to deal with someone saying that it was “their time” because addiction takes friends, family, and loved ones everyday way to early and it isn’t fair. My best friend passed away this past April due to an overdose at age 20 and life was really different for a while but it does get easier. After a while the memories get sweeter and you start to only remember the positive happy times you shared together. I still feel a lot of guilt about her death because I had known for years and after trying to help started to distanced myself from her. I personally should have stayed and done anything I could, but I didn’t and left to start a new life. Everyone tells me that I shouldn’t feel that way and that I did what was best for me, but the feeling does not go away. But you didn’t know, and thats okay. As hypocritical as it is for me to say, don’t feel guilty. It’s an emotion that will eat a you. You can only think of her as you knew her and loved her — which is how she would have wanted. Try to always stay positive and not to dwell on the darkness that took her away. Its been 10 months and I can talk about it openly now, but I still cry sometimes. Which is okay. I try to use her platform to bring awareness to addiction and try to help other young people fight their battles. Anyway, I believe in you and I know it will eventually become easier for you to cope. But just know that if it does get difficult you should talk to someone about it. I may not know you but I would be devastated if this grief tore you down and left you sad forever. Its okay to need help and no one ever judges for being aware of your own mental health. During this time everyone is trying to “help” you in their own ways and sometimes it can make you feel isolated, so please, use this time to just appreciate all the blessings you have and you will never forget the bond you shared together. Having had the privilege to have known your best friend is something you should cherish forever. I’ll put you in my prayers and I hope your days become easier.

  54. Ralph I miss you .. I’m sorry I neglected you ., do you forgive me? I know you’d be cross I cry everyday .. you’d want be to live my life like you did .. but I feel you’ve been stolen from me .. if it wasn’t for my kids I’d want to come join you ., Ralph I love you ..
    Sue xx

    • I feel this way every day. I’m doing all the things… seeing a therapist, going to the doctor, going to work (that one took a while to figure out). Nothing helps. I’m lost without him. I’m just lost. Thank you for posting. I just finished reading “it’s ok to not be ok” by Megan Devine (by read I mean listened to her read it) and it helped me feel less lost but still utterly lost.

  55. Do you ever feel like you are afraid to really let go and admit they are gone? I know my best friend Shannon is gone but I don’t want to believe it. I try not to really think about it because I’m afraid I will lose it. I don’t know what type of denial I have. I know she passed but I refuse to think about that. I just focus on the missing her part. I’m fine at times and then out of no where I think of her and I feel heart broken. The day she died when I went to her house everyone kept asking me if I was okay. Her own children and mother. That is how close we were. We’ve been friends since high school and we clicked immediately. We were twin flames. We were so linked that we have often bought the same gift or suddenly both mailed each other gifts at the same time after not speaking for some time. She knew me through and through. Through boyfriends, marriages, divorces, babies, good times and bad she has always been there. She was my light in this world and now I feel so alone as she was my only close friend. I have never loved anyone the way I love her still. She was my best friend and after my mom passed when I was 18 she was part mother, best friend and sister.

    It’s hard to describe our friendship but no one in this world knew me the way she did. I feel guilty because she died of a prescription drug overdose and I didn’t see it. I kept putting off going over to visit with her because I was always so busy. I had no idea she was taking anything. I mean she worked full time (at night) as a charge nurse – how could they have missed it too? She was always there for me and I failed her. To quote my favorite movie What Dreams May Come “I apologize for every time I failed you. Especially this one.”

    She worked nights and I worked days but I should have visited her more. Should have done something…anything- if I would have only known. Sometimes I think this world is very cruel. I lost my mother and now Shannon but I keep going somehow. I talk to her out loud sometimes just in case she is around me somehow. To let her know how much I miss her and love her. It’s been a year and a half but it seems like so long. An eternity of sorts. I will never stop missing her or wanting her with me. I hope that time somehow lessons this pain and I pray to see her again one day. I hope and pray everyone on this post receives some sort of comfort knowing they aren’t alone in their grief.

    • Wow, thank you for posting this. I too lost my best friend of 25 years on February 5, 2017. Tomorrow will be the one year anniversary. I was just thinking yesterday that the word ‘friendship’ doesn’t adequately describe our relationship. Nobody really understood us – we were both single, he was hetero, I am hetero but we were just really good friends. It was kind of like “Jerry and Elaine” from Seinfeld – at least that’s how I tried to describe it. He died of an accidental overdose. I had a key to his house. He wasn’t returning my calls or texts – we had plans to watch the super bowl. I found him after about a day and a half so it was really hard on me. People don’t look the same after 24 hours of being gone – trust me. It was the most horrible thing I have ever experienced. I had to call the police and stay there while they questioned me. All the time I could see him on the floor in the other room. It’s going to sound crazy but 3 days after he died, I kept hearing this….it wasn’t a voice, it was like a message. I kept hearing over and over, “I’m so, so sorry” and to this day I know it was him. It was him being sorry that I had to be the one to find him. I mean, the police, fire department, ambulances, county medical examiner – they were all there at his house with me. Then driving home alone… after they told me I could go. It’s indescribable. I was just really touched by your story. So many similarities to mine. I have so much guilt. I could have helped him. I know so many people who also abuse drugs and live for years and years. Why him? He was the one person in this world who I could really, really trust. He knew everything about me. I had no secrets from him. I looked after him. He trusted me. It’s been almost a year to the day and I still sit here with tears in my eyes missing my dear friend. I spent all my time with him. I would go to his house and watch tv while he was in the living room on his computer. It was so much better than sitting alone at home. I miss him so much.

      • I hear you, Lisa. Tomorrow will be three months since I lost my best friend to alcoholism. I called the police, I saw her lying in the back hallway for what seemed forever. Three. Months.Ago. Feels like a million years ago, and yesterday as well. We were best friends for 32 years. I will never again be able to have a best friend for that long. I planned her funeral, and am now settling her estate. Her boyfriend has a traumatic brain injury, thanks to alcoholism, and can’t take care of himself. His sister is coping with that, but I will be as well, for the remainder of his life. I’m not sure how to get over this, or if I can. Good days, bad days. I miss her so much. I know exactly how you feel. You are not alone.

    • Hello Jennifer,

      I too, lost my best friend Shannon two years ago in a similar way that you described. I actually was missing her so much today, that I was looking for articles about this. My heart goes out to you. My Shannon and I became best friends right away in high school She made it to her 50th birthday, but not far after that. She was a beautiful, petite red head, but life could be overwhelming for her. I would like to think that she is happier now – and yes, I do talk to her daily. I’ve learned to get support and I have lost my guilt about how she passed. It was hard, but I know I did the best with what I had. Some days are tougher than others (today it is raining and dreary and I’m cooking her favorite dinner – so it brings up a lot of things) but there are other days, I’ll just laugh when a memory that I forgot about comes out of now where. I believe she is with me and “hears me” and my hope is that you too will one day have that comfort. Shannons’ are rare gifts and I’m glad that we each had one. Much love, Kathleen

  56. A Tribute to my Friend: Ophelia Luster Bray

    What can you say when a friend passes away? Words cannot express what the heart holds, but if I had to choose one phrase, I would take it from the title of Ophelia Luster Bray’s memoir: “Against All Odds: What a Life!” I only met Ophelia Luster Bray once in my life. That was in June 2017 when my oldest sister was in the hospital undergoing surgery for pancreatic and bile duct cancer. Our meeting, though it seemed that it was only by chance, I’m convinced was predestined by God. As Ophelia, my three sisters and I sat in the hospital waiting room, we began sharing bits and pieces of our lives with one another. I shared with her about the multiple losses of loved ones I have had in my life. We talked about health issues and the fact that I was writing a book. Turns out, she was in the final stages of life, having battled cancer for the past two-plus years. She also shared with me that she wanted to write her memoir and leave it as a legacy for her family. I convinced her that she should and told her that I would help her. Immediately she, I and God set the plan in motion.
    Over the course of several weeks, she sent me handwritten pages of her memoir and I transcribed them for her. From her memoir, I realized her story of tragedy and triumph was similar to mine-love, love lost, marriage, births, divorce, loneliness, forgiveness, reconciliation and hope in the resurrection. Our stories had different chapters but the overarching theme was the same. Over the course of six-plus months, she and I got to share a piece of life that only those who know the struggle can understand. And we formed an unbreakable bond of friendship, love and laughter. She became my big sister and I became her “Marilyn Marie.” We talked every day while putting together her memoir and at least twice a week after completing it. Her memoir made me laugh; it made me cry and it gave me a greater awareness of the power of God to heal the broken spirit.
    As the sun began to set fast in her life, I did not talk to her as frequently as I had done before because I knew that in her latter days, she was talking with the Master and I dared not interrupt. She had prayed that God grant her time to spend with her family during Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s–life moments that she cherished the most. And He did! She said to me in her normal cheerful voice, “Marilyn Marie that may be asking a lot of God but I know He is able.”
    On the eve of her passing, as I sat at my computer around 10 p.m., I ran across a picture my friend had sent me that I had neglected to send back to her when I completed her memoir. I thought to myself, “I need to get that picture back to Ophelia.” On the morning of January 24, 2018, I ran across a copy of the memoir I had helped her with, neatly tucked away in a blue handbag. I sat down and read it as if I was reading it for the very first time. When I finished reading it, something in my heart told me to call and check on my friend. Ophelia’s son Mark, who I had spoken to on occasion, answered the phone. He said, “Marilyn, I’m glad you called. Mom passed away around 11 o’clock last night.”
    In an instant, I became transfixed by the awesomeness of God when I thought about finding that picture in what turned out to be the final hour of her life and getting up the next day and reading her story and gaining inspiration from it. Briefly, my heart sank because my friend was gone. But I couldn’t help but to smile because in a six-month span, God had given me what few people get in a lifetime—a friend who sticketh closer than a brother. Ophelia embraced life. She ran the race and she finished the course. Sweet rest, my dear friend. We shall meet again!

    Love,
    Marilyn Marie

  57. I just found out today that my best friend of 31 years died. There is no one in this world left who knows my true thoughts, pains, feelings and silly jokes and observations. No one. She was alone when she died, and was found some days later, which makes this so much sadder. I can only hope death came swiftly. It’s unfair she left so young. I feel your presence, Elaine. I knew who you were, I will remember you.

  58. I lost one of my best friends unexpectedly on Christmas Day and we still don’t know why he died. We were friends for 45 years. That’s a long time and a lot of memories. Thankfully, we grew up together so I’ve known his whole family for as long as I’ve known him. One of his sisters is my other best friend. When we were kids, we were inseparable. When two of us showed up somewhere, we were asked where the other one was. The three of us were a package deal. He was my chosen brother and I adored him. The family tells me that he felt the same way about me. He was never one to voice his love, but he showed it in so many ways. He was smart, funny, kind, compassionate, and didn’t suffer fools gladly. The last time I was this sad was when he moved out of state 23 years ago. Except this time, he’s never coming back.

    Today is the first time that I’ve really cried since I heard the news. I still can’t believe he’s gone. I keep thinking that he’s going to call any minute and tell me it was all a big mistake; that it was someone else, not him. I miss him so much. I miss his laugh, his smile, his voice, his face, the way he got so intense when he was really mad. Even his horrible taste in music. He was a big Bjork fan and used to torture me with her CDs on road trips. I’d beg him not to play any more of those godawful songs. He would just laugh and play the next song. I’d listen to every Bjork song she ever made on repeat for the rest of my life if he would just come back.

  59. I lost my friend a year ago and I still can’t get over it. I can’t understand why – why were not in touch for the last two years as he started to have political opinions unnacepptable for me – right-wing, anti-refugee kind of stuff. I even erased him from Facebook which now I regret. But we did spend 5 years at university together, we are all the time together. We went on a student exchange together as well. He was my best friend back then. I’m 30 now and he died at 28, he got hit by a train!!! I keep seeing him in Munich dreams and I can’t find peace. I’m an atheist so I don’t know what could help me as I don’t believe in all that praying and other stuff. I miss him so much. Why do I miss him if we were not even in touch off late? This is so painful and I can’t get answers anywhere.

  60. Hi. I lost my BFF, Jo-Ann…we were Best Friends Forever and called each other sister -she was my sister -in-love. She collapsed and went into the hospital Sept 29 and never came out until she passed on December 13. We have been friends since elementary school. She was my maid of honor, I was hers. She was Godmother to my children and they loved their Aunt Jo-Ann so much! We took vacations together, we talked all the time on the phone and even though we did not live near each other, we visited and travelled together. I think Jo-Ann new me better than I knew me and I knew he…I truly knew here. We shared things with each other we would never share with anyone else. I trusted her more than anyone in the world. From the time we were in 7th grade we talked about how we would grow old together and go to the same nursing home and sit on rockers on the porch together. I have a silver friendship ring she gave me in 7th grade it has my name on it and her name on it – we said we’d be best friends forever…and we were…) Jo-Ann drew me out when I needed it and when she needed I did the same for her. We shared many fun and wild adventures as youth, traveling a lot. Losing Jo-Ann is like having my heart ripped out of my chest. I cry a lot and my mood goes from…I have to make my self better and healthy so I can live a long life in her honor, to I’m probably going to die young, to and then we will be together again (I might add my mother die at age 54 and my Dad at age 69)…Jo-Ann would have been 65 in a month and I turn 65 in 3 months. I never thought she wouldn’t be there with me. We talked about all the fun things we would do when we retired – trips we would take (we loved travel)…places we would go and people we would see…visiting old friends, etc. I know I will never forget her (I think about her always.) One of many sad things about the funeral, which only hit me personally, was when they listed in the program she was was survived by her brother, sister-in-law, and 2 nieces and their family, and her second cousin. Even though I know logically this was protocol, it hurt because I felt like she was my sister (and she always said the same to me.) I feel like this change in my life, I will never be the same again. My husband says I have a fear of dying, but that is not true. I am not afraid of dying and I am just looking at it as inevitable (and probably sooner than later…) I think about Jo-Ann all the time and miss her so much, I can’t bear it…Jo-Ann died of Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma complicated by a brain virus, Multifocal Leukoencephalopathy, which ate apart her brain at a rapid rate (especial after they gave her chemo for the lymphoma.) The deterioration was so rapid it was astonishing…I still can’t bear to thing about it…Jo-Ann was the kindest, smartest, most generous person I have ever know. The world lost a special person and I lost my heart.

    • Jody, whether you know it or not, you are being very brave. i lost my bff of over 40 in May to non-hodgkins. it’s horrible. it was a great comfort to me when her long-time boyfriend’s bff told me i was “her right arm”. it affirmed the close relationship she and i shared. you ARE her sister. never doubt it. i know the emptiness you feel.
      i’ve been trying to get used to a “new normal”. i’m doing better as time passes but still have deep set-backs. i’m not afraid of the emotions, not afraid of the hard work, it’s just that there is no release from this. i found grief counselling helped a lot. and i just signed up w/ weight watchers because i was eating/drinking uncontrollably. she would have liked that. she loved WW and even ate according to the program when she was dying.
      i was the last person she saw. i’d been out of the room doing an errand for her mother. she waited until i came back; that’s what everyone said. that’s a comfort but still She’s Not Here.
      look for and listen for “signs”. she’s with you.

  61. I lost my bestfriend Hayley, exactly 6 days ago, in a horrible car accident. I was also in that same accident and she was always and still is the one person who knew even the most personal things about me. Today was her funeral. She was such an amazing person. She never made anyone feel alone. I made it through each day because she told me if I ever tried to hurt myself or commit suicide she’d never come to my funeral and she’d hate me, and believe me, she meant it. She stayed with me even when I was really good friends with someone she really hated. The three of us were beyond inseperable. This past summer we spent pretty much every literal day together. She was always straight up with me. Every time I felt stuck with someone or something I always asked her what she would do and what her opinion was. She was my person.

  62. I lost my best friend of 22 years and it’s like I’m in a fog… I’m just lost.. Sorry that so many others are feeling the same thing.

    • I’m sorry for your loss. My best friend died 11 months ago (Feb 2017) and I’m still lost – it’s going to take time. I don’t know if I will ever get over my loss, I miss her every day, no one will ever be able to take her place.
      AGH

  63. My BFF is dying as I type this. I haven’t been able to pull myself together since I found out there is no treatment options. She did them all. 11 years ago she was dx with ovarian cancer. She’s a fighter. She is home with her husband, son (20) and daughter (25). She’s only 57. We are HS friends. I go to bed crying and wake up crying. I’m praying for a miracle. It hurts so bad.

  64. i am losing my best friend he his getting sugrery and the docter said he might not make it so what should i do if does not make it

  65. I lost my best Friend suddenly the day b4 yesterday she was only 38 a single mom to her 12 year old boy, she was my chief bridesmaid in August so full of life I can’t believe she’s gone. She has a big family who will take care of her son I have tried to help but as I am not family they don’t realise her close we were. We used to say we were separated at birth we were so alike in every way, we had both been through so much but always there for each other no matter what. I havent seen her properly since the wedding we spoke on the phone and text but we were both so busy with our lives I feel so guilty about this she hadn’t even seen the photographs, she had just started a college course after battling depression she was just starting to build herself up, all she wanted was to find a man to give her the life she deserved she wanted the wedding the love. I don’t understand she shouldn’t have gone I’ve been waiting for a text or a call off her to say it’s all a mistake. I want to talk about her all the time I keep reading all our messages over the years just to keep her alive, she was so special so funny she ha d depression but would still make me laugh when things went wrong. How am I supposed to go on without her how’s her son supposed to get through without her he seems strong at mo but I don’t think it’s hit him yet it’s xmas in a few weeks she will be so angry she’s gone. Our birthdays are a week a part next month we always celebrated them together how do I do this please help. They don’t actually know why she died she had a bad infection she went into hospital and died the next morning she never even told me she was poorly she always played it down when she was poorly said didnt see point in worrying me but I should of been there for her I can’t ever forgive myself for not been there to hold her hand she shouldn’t have died she had such a hard short life. She was waiting for life to get better we had so many plans together when our kids had grown up. We were gonna be in a care home together ruling it we would say , I need to thank her for been so amazing I need to thank her for been my best friend xxx

    • Oh Wendy, I’m so sorry! I lost my closest friend of 25+ years 7 years ago. Suddenly she was widowed And 4 years later she just didn’t wake up one morning. I was getting dressed to go to visit her when a neighbor came to tell me she was gone. We were both nurses, shared a backyard, kids grew up together and her kids and my kids were always in one of our houses. I nursed her through chemo, hep C, brain aneurysm surgery. We went to the same church, bunko group, and we drank coffee together in our pj’s daily, shopped for groceries and everything together, we both cleaned our houses, had what we called “ share our supper” so we only had to cook every other day, both were make up reps for same company, helped each other redecorate, paint and wallpaper. She was the coolest most tolerant and accepting of everyone friend I’ve ever known. I still think of her daily probably bc I see her house roof from my windows but I wanted to share what helped me the most. Immediately after she died I wrote down every single thing she had ever told me. Every story, every event, her children’s birth stories, every vacation, every illness, every dr report, her medical history, her parents medical history, details of her brothers death as a teen, clothes she had worn and much more. Every and anything I could remember. It forced my brain to recall every single thing about her and things especially that her children wouldn’t know or remember. They were only 21 and 24 at the time of her death. I had 4 daily friends that you talk to or see daily. I lost 2 of the 4 and my father in 2 years and all suddenly with no warning. 50% of my closest friends gone instantly it seemed. For some reason though I think of her and miss her most but am at peace about it now. I hope that you will find peace and will forgive yourself especially about not being with her at the end. I promise that she knew you loved her as much as you did.

      • Beana,

        I loved reading about your beautiful friendship. That is a once-in-a-lifetime friend. I’m so glad that you had her. I am sad for you that you have lost her. So very sad.

    • happy birthday, wendy. you don’t have to celebrate now. i believe in “do-overs”.
      my bff and i also celebrated close birthdays. she loved giving me surprise parties and i always fell for it.
      please try not to feel guilty about not seeing her as much. my bff and i raised our kids together, recovered from our divorces together and all that after being roommates in college.
      when she met a guy and was married in every sense of the word, i remained single. our lives took totally different directions after being so close people thought we were lovers. we just developed different paths but still connected. when we hit 60, we started planning more activities together. she was at that “married stage” where women and men want their own social lives, girls’ night and so on. then poof. she was gone.
      please be gentle with yourself.

  66. I agree, you will never get over it, but just learn how to live with it. My best friend just died 5 days ago and I know it hasn’t been too long but damn, it’s just so hard. Ironically, the person who could help me the most right now is him, so I feel really lost. I try to think what he would say to me and that gives me some peace, but just the idea of not seeing him again is extremely painful. I still wait for his texts, his replies, his calls… what are you supposed to do when you lose the person you trust and love the most? I just don’t know.

  67. You are absolutely right but even this isnr helping. Do you think nothing helps? Are we just supposed to suck it up and move on? I want to talk to him but I cant, I try to forget him but I cant, and sometimes i feel like I didnt even know him coz there are these people who are telling me new things about him I had no idea about and that sucks coz i cant tell him that.

    • to answer your question, no. nothing helps. just keep breathing.
      i posted here a few months ago and couldn’t find it…. in May my closest friend of over 40 years died of cancer, a curable cancer. it is still so hard to live w/out her. we were college roommates, married brothers, divorced, raised our kids together and all the rest.

      i’m here now to tell you how i’m doing. i hope it helps you feel you can manage. i found grief counseling extremely helpful. it was HARD but i’m not afraid to do the hard work. it created a better awareness for me so i know the sadness and tears aren’t going to just disappear; it helped me take care of myself by being patient and not criticizing myself for my feelings.

      music, yes, it’s comforting. books, yes, they can point out things we can do. i like to make myself a ritual which usually involves lighting a candle on my balcony and just thinking of her. she was my satellite. our lives went in different paths but we were still connected.

      i have started a small journal and write things down on occasion. it’s not homework but there are some things i know i’m going to want to remember.

      i don’t think there is anything we need to forgive ourselves for when we’re so close to someone. they get it. we know each other well enough to understand what the other thinks and feels. not forgiving ourselves keeps us from dealing w/ our grief and we need to feel that. i need to respect the love i have for her and respect myself for my feelings.

      i’m so grateful for this blog and thank you all for your stories. we aren’t alone but who else feels like we do??

  68. I lost one of my good friends last night i think she committed suicide and i’ve been crying for the past 5-6 hours thinking about her is that normal??

  69. We should all stand together to create a support group for the loss of best friends.

  70. Why don’t we all get together and start a support group for the loss of our best friends?

  71. I lost my best friend today in a car accident. The quotes on this post were really motivating; I even went ahead and passed them to my group of friends. To die at 18 years of age is just way too young and I still can’t believe this has happened. Thanks for the post.

  72. When a friend dies, the deep connection with that person dies too. All the life experienced with that person that only you and that person would understand is gone. I recently lost two lifelong friends (part of the same group) one month apart. In fact, the second one had been planning a memorial party for the first, and then the party was for both. To grieve for one is to grieve for both. The sorrow is unfathomable, and I wish I could play this album backwards.

    • Brian, your double loss links us. I am so very sorry for your pain and all the pain expressed on this site.

      As you say so brilliantly, ” The sorrow is unfathomable, and I wish I could play this album backwards.” Me too.

      My two best pals — each a man, each a dear friend (not intimate) and unrelated, died within weeks of one another, one by suicide at Christmas, the other by heart attack in this past February.

      The archive I shared with each — decades and decades of archive — cannot be shared in the same way with anyone else.

      I only know that each of them would say, in his own way, if he could, “dance on my behalf, sing your heart out for me, enjoy the changing leaves of autumn, take risks, keep engaging with the world, and know that I love you.”

      May we all find peace. The one positive that links us all is the gift of having had a best friend. Not everyone is so fortunate.

  73. I wish I’d found this article months ago. I could NOT find ONE article on losing a friend, a best friend at that. I am in my late 40’s and lost my best fried to cancer in March of this year. She was only diagnosed in January so it all happened so fast. I have lost my go to person and my travel buddy and it just sucks. This article is spot on as society does not recognize this as a real deal loss. I’ve had more support when my dog was sick. I think it has more to do with people not knowing how to react or support because it hits close to home and it’s not a family member so they really cannot relate. My advice to anyone reading this that wants to support someone is just reach out and recognize the loss. Send a card, flowers, a picture whatever and just let that person know that you care and are there for them if they need it. Don’t be afraid to just tell them “I am sorry for your loss”. Avoiding it and not saying anything hurts more that you could ever know. It’s like you are trying to tell that person to forget about it. I know we don’t know what to say when someone is grieving, but honestly, just saying those words “I am sorry for your loss” means so much to that person that you recognize that they are hurting. That’s all it takes to be supportive.

    • Christie, what a beautiful explanation of the way the people around us may fail to appreciate or acknowledge how much we need to experience their loving support when we are so devastated.

      With hugely major losses of my two best friends within a few weeks this past year, I longed to have one of my other friends invite me to sit down and ask, “Would you please tell me what your friend(s) meant to you and why he (they were) was so special. I’d really like to know.” And I have “good” friends. But it has made me view those friendships differently.

      However, this has been a learning experience: The next time I learn of a loss affecting someone in my life, it will be my turn to step forward and embrace them and gently ask the questions no one asked me. So, if I knew you I would ask, “Christie, what was the best trip you and your friend ever shared and how did it feel to have a “go-to” person?” May you carry her memory as a salve to your soul.

  74. On September 21, 2017 I lost my best friend for 40 years. Memorial service will be held soon but until then no closure. I think about her every minute of every day. I don’t know how to keep moving without her in the future. I’m constantly surprised when I find myself thinking I can’t wait to tell her something. How do you keep breathing when your heart is broken

  75. I’m losing my soul sister now. She has brain cancer and can’t remember something as simple as how to answer her phone. Her mind is already gone.

    I don’t know what to do? My heart hurts so bad! I feel so LOST!!!! The keeper of my secrets can’t even remember them anymore.

    Pam, I will love and treasure you and our friendship, laughs and powwows till my last breath. Our love for animals, nature and coffee, you’re the bff ever! I wanna go back and do it all over. I love you girl!!!

    I hope all of you have happier days and find good friends!
    They’re priceless and irreplaceable.

    • Jennifer, I read your comment about losing your soul sister to brain cancer. It brings tears to my eyes. I’m so sorry.

  76. I really dont know how to put my words together at this time, but I want to take all my feelings and write something truly meaningful. 2 weeks and 5 days ago, Hillary, my best friend of 16 years passed away suddenly. We are both only 16 years old, which is only a short amount of time compared to the heart-breaking stories of friendships with loved ones who have also passed away. We have been friends are whole lives. We first met in preschool, and were around 1 years old. ( I also met all of my other friends in preschool. We have all known Hillary and each other for our entire lives. To this day we are still as close as friends come. We are like a big group of sisters, and are known for our friendships with one another) From then on, our friendship grew stronger and stronger. We separated and went to different elementary schools, but then reconnected in middle school. Our bond continued to develop and even now (we are both juniors in high school) our friendship couldn’t even grow stronger. It was one of those friendship you knew would last a life time, except for it didn’t. About Hillary, I dont even have words to describe how amazing she was. She was the most perfect person to ever exist. I could go on and on and on about all her accomplishments and the life she lived. It brings me so much joy talking about her in this way. She was the president of our youth group, the president of our charity organization called “Lions Heart”, she held a high position in another charity group called “NCL”, she was in a musical group with 4 other girls, she was taking 2 AP classes this year and had the biggest dreams for her future, she was in girl scouts, she was in many many musical productions, she worked at a summer camp for young children, she also worked with the same children at a type of sunday school, but most importantly she was the greatest friend you could ever imagine. Hillary had her entire life planned out, she was more prepared than any person I’ve met. She had the most amazing personality too. She was never, ever, EVER mean to anyone. She always made sure that everyone was included, and everyone was as happy as she was. Her smile and life were just infectious, once you saw that smile, you were instantly filled with joy. She is the sun that shines in the sky. But now without her my life feels dark, like there is no more purpose. Her absence makes me feel like there is a hole in my heart. I could go on forever talking about this girl. Going back to her passing… its truly hard for me to remember the days and times because of how instantly this occurred. On September 12, 2017, Hillary told us she had a fever and was only showing up to school to take an exam in one of her AP classes (this shows how dedicated she was). The next day, September 13, 2017, she wasn’t at school, and a couple of us gave her a call or texted her to see if she was doing all right. During lunch time I had gone to my school’s library with a friend when we received some urgent text messages from another friend that something was wrong with Hillary, or her family, we just weren’t sure .We went on with our day, keeping her in our thoughts. Then at around 4:00 in the afternoon I was told that my best friend, the most beautiful and kindhearted girl in the world, was in a coma. It was so sudden, but my heart just dropped. That night there was a ceremony for her, praying for her, and wishing that she would wake up. The entire room was filled with people that knew and loved her. That night, my closest friends and I stayed together to be there for one another and to share our support. At around 11:30, her younger sister called us from the hospital, told us she had passed and hung up. That was it. Hillary, my best friend since I was a baby, was gone. I was in shock, others were screaming and crying, it was the hardest thing to experience. Within 1 day, I had lost one of the most amazing things in my life. On September 17, her funeral was held. I believe that was even harder than hearing she was gone. Over 500 people showed up to pay their respects and to cherish the moments they shared with Hillary. She had the strongest impact on the people around her. This day was truly the worst day of my life, I saw my best friend being lowered into the ground. I will never see her again . Today, I dont know what i’m feeling. I have so many thoughts in my mind about death and how unfair life is. I do know that I will always have a part of me missing, a hole in my heart that will never be filled. My life isnt complete without her. If you took time to read this entire story, I want to thank you. I wrote this to share the memory of the world’s most amazing friend.

    • I didn’t mention this earlier, but I feel it is important to say that Hillary was not sick in the slightest, and I believe that makes it all the more harder. I saw her 2 days before she passes, and she was as cheery and joyful as ever. There was nothing wrong, it was just like any other wonderful day, having her in my life. And then within 1 day, she just slipped into a coma, just like that. She was only in a coma for 6 hours, and we were told the chances of her waking up, were very unlikely. An autopsy was conducted, and even now we still dont know what occurred in her body that led to this tragedy. There has been no closure provided for my friends and I, which makes it even more devastating. We went from seeing her everyday for the past 16 years, to not seeing her at all. And now we will never see her again. It is so unbelievably unfair. She deserved so much more than 16 years. She deserved all the good in the world.

  77. I miss you bff, still can’t believe you’re gone. we never had to keep secrets from each other, and now I feel weighed down by my secrets. You were non judgmental. You were the first person I called when something bad happened. I’ll forever miss and love you, B. ❤L

  78. I lost my best friend of 57 years on March 9, 2017. It was exactly one month before his birthday which was three days after mine. We grew up together and he was more of a brother and family member than a friend. He was the best person I have ever known and words can not express the depth of my loss. Sometimes, I feel like the sun turned black leaving the whole world in darkness .

  79. My best friend died 3 years ago, at the age of 29. Before that, I had always been ambitious, full of energy and will, and I was living my dreams abroad, visiting him and my family every Christmas and every summer. Now, after his death, in the last 3 years I have been a shadow of myself, floating around without any idea where I am going or why. Recently, I have been unable to start a job. I just feel no will to do anything. I am not depressed anymore, but all those things that made me me are gone and I have trouble finding meaning with what I have left.

    • Agoston,
      Yes! What you said! I’ve struggled, dealt with and overcome depression, this is not that! I just dont see the point on most things….why clean my house if it’s just going to be a mess again soon?! Why eat healthy if im still likely to get cancer?! My whole mindset has shifted and i just can’t seem to care enough…..wondering if you have any success in the last few months!?
      I’m so sorry about your friend 🙁

  80. 5 weeks ago I lost my best friend to suicide. On top of the storm that is grief, I have been finding an overwhelming sense of loneliness even though I have people around me. I have been looking online to find more about bereavement from suicide, but it is more centered around how you deal with it as a spouse, or an immediate family member. Even though he was like my brother, there doesnt seem to be much advice online on how to cope with how I am feeling. I have dealt with loss in my life before, with grandparents dying, but nothing feels like this all consuming feeling that seems to be following me around. I have recently started to see a counsellor to ensure that I have some coping mechanisms in place to try and fill the hole that has been left behind.

    • I lost my best friend in feb 2017 from lupus. We grew up together. We were boyfriend & girlfriend for 12 years and after we broke up, we still remained best friends until he died. We have known each other for 20 years and spoke to each other everyday for 20 years. He was the closest thing to a husband that I’ll probably ever have. He helped me with everything. I can never replace him. I just want to call him and talk but he’s gone. He was my comfort blanket and I miss him. I know he wants me to be ok. I’m trying. It’s hard though. I’m glad I stumbled on this site. Best wishes to all everyone that has lost someone important. ❤️😥

    • I lost my bestie through suicide three weeks ago . I’m so lost and feel that I’m crying all the time . I’m not sure how to go on but I know I have too . Hopefully you are managing ok

  81. I lost my best friend of 16 years on July,21,2015. She was only 33. While I can carry on with my days, able to count my blessings,my life is forever changed. I sometimes feel very alone even though I have loving people in my life. I try to be grateful they are still here but they can never replace my friend. I always thought we would grow old and pass from old age. I miss her a lot and like everyone else would do anything to see her one more time. My heart goes out to everyone who has lost someone. We are all in it together

    • Christina, that almost sounds exactly like me. My friend passed away just this Thursday (November 30). She was also 33. We’d been friends since high school and had stayed close for the most part (there was a gap of 5-7 years where we didn’t hang out). Two or three years ago I got back in touch with her and it was like no time had passed. I knew her health was declining. She was a type 1 diabetic on dialysis and had already had a foot and some toes amputated. I knew we didn’t have much longer together, but I hoped that she would have been able to get a kidney and pancreas transplant. Her body just couldn’t hold out. She fell into a coma September 24th and had not completely (she was minimally conscious, eyes open, sometimes responding to commands to look at specific things, but not really aware) woken up since.

      It just doesn’t seem real at all. I feel like I can still just go up to the hospital to see her. It just seems impossible that I can’t talk to her any more. We’d talked about the possibility of something like this happening. She wasn’t afraid. She was ready to stop hurting. There are little reminders of her all around the house; photos, a hat she forgot when she was over, drawings she did, and little gifts she had given me. I was very “lucky” that my mom is there for me as she too has lost a close friend. What really bugs me is not my own mortality, but others. Will I have to watch everyone around me die?

  82. I lost my two best friends 6 years apart. Both died in August, one after a terrible battle with cancer in 2011 (she was 39) and the other one suddenly died last month from cardiac arrest. She was 51. They were my soulmates, the only people (apart from my family) that I had a 30 year shared history with. They were closer to me than my brothers, they knew me better than my partner, yet is somehow feels socially unjustified to grieve. They were ‘just’ my friends, not family. As if only grieving for partners or family is socially acceptable. I really struggle with this, as I find it hard at the moment to carry on, stay motivated at work. Thank you for addressing this issue. Makes me feel less alone in this struggle.

  83. I lost two of my best friends last month they died in a fire.😢They were getting ready for school because the passed two days before school started again.one was at another house they don’t know what happened yet,like how the fire started but one blew down in flames,there uncle also passed.Were have been friends since kindergarten I am now in 5th grade.I started a music club with them and we always were with each other.😢It all happened so fast I felt like I barely knew them.I don’t know what I am going to do without them I can’t get over it.I loved them dearly.12 days before they passed I had a fight with one of them we never talked again but I told her I would always be there even if she didn’t talk to me anymore I didn’t know how much time we would have left😭😢.My teachers are very supportive but..it I said hard.

  84. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zCcnIzMZSYA

    DEPARTURE AND FAREWELL is a simply lovely sone by HEM

  85. I’m still having issues as I lost my 2 best friends within a year of each other. My friend John unfortunately got cancer (non-Hodgkins lymphoma) and passed away at 60 and my other best friend Mark died a year later of other medical complications at 48. To say this sucks is an understatement as I would regularly hang out with either or both of them. At the moment I’m feeling isolated due to being at a stage in my life where everyone is a couple or has family – I’m 51. Me being single makes it pretty tough to go out and meet new people with whom I can connect with. I’m sure this is just me and not others around me but I still find that I don’t get to hang out and do the fun things that we used to do as best friends. Motorcycle trips, sailing, bitching about the world etc !! Would love to hear advice. Unfortunately it’s hard to explain to others the connections you have with best friends and to have them removed from your life in such a close timeframe to each other really makes things difficult. And at this point I truely am isolated and being an immigrant my anchors are no longer present.

    • I lost my bestest friend my kindred spirit. I have other friends that I’m polite to and have fun with. But this man new my naked soul. I’m scared I won’t find that again

  86. I lost my best friend in a motorcycle accident way back 2014. He is actually the only friend that I trust, love more than myself. We’ve been through a lot. It just came so sudden that I am really not prepared that he will be back to God’s grace so early. I was left alone, hopeless and miserable. Until now, I don’t know where to start. I don’t know where can I rely on. I just imagine him every now and then and hoping that he would here my feelings. I believe there’s a reason for everything but I have to keep on asking God why him? He is actually my other half. And I am completely incomplete without him. I am still lost to this time. I need someone like him. But I think, it’s impossible. I will be sad forever.

  87. I wanted to join the post because you have all been thru it. I wanted to know how. How can anyone get thru this? My best friend for over 40 yrs is close to leaving this earth. We have not always had an easy time being friends. I’ve been married for 40 yrs, while she has been in and out of marriages. We’ve had to work hard to stay close. She has moved away several times & usually with me in tears. Now back home, with stage 4 breast cancer. Time is running out. I can’t even breathe. I don’t know how I’m going to do this. You are all so strong. Reading some of your posts has given me some ideas, possibly counseling? Has anyone done that? Did it help? I’ve never been to a counselor even after loosing my parents. Why does this seem to hurt more?

    • i found a very good grief counselor in Fran Dorf. She has several articles online. She specializes in grief counseling. It helped a lot but if you decide to go be prepared; it is HARD. I’m not afraid of the hard work and she really helped me. I only went three times because I have a pretty good support network and don’t have insurance coverage for it.
      My best friend of 40+ years, died in May and I”m still not me. I cried myself to sleep last night. None of the platitudes offer comfort, imho. Time hasn’t healed; I won’t get used to it….
      Social occasions are tough still, but I don’t hesitate to leave or even not go if I don’t feel up to it.
      Just be gentle with yourself.

  88. Its been a year and a half since my best friend died and although I miss him everyday I have just started to really accept the fact that things will never be the same. I don’t know if its just me but the phrase “you will always have the memories ” rings empty for me. Right now the memories are still painful knowing that my best friend is gone forever. I know that grief can last for a long time and sometimes you have the doubt that you could ever have that kind of bond with someone again. For me the void that remains leaves me with a sense of being lonely although I have other friends around. I grew up in a large family and so many are gone now, but losing the one you were closest to seems to take a part of your soul with them. I just hurt and feel like I am in the world alone at times, but I try to be patient in hope that my heart will continue to heal. I am grateful to have all of you on this site because I know I am not alone in dealing with the loss of a great friend. I just pray that God will give us all the healing and comfort to go on and that maybe one bright morning we will wake and our hearts will be healed enough to smile again and that the memories will be sweet memories. May God comfort you all with peace and healing.

  89. Nubia L. BenavidesAugust 1, 2017 at 2:09 pmReply

    Today marks one week (July 25, 2017) that my best friend passed away unexpectedly and I have to say that it has been the hardest thing that I’ve ever had to endure. My entire world is collapsed and I really have no idea how to deal with this loss. Every day is harder than the previous one; its so hard to breath sometimes or move. Many things on this article are spot on what I’m feeling. She was 26. We knew each other from high school but were never close back then. I guess fate put us together when we started working together as nurses. It was instant connection. I felt so connected to her and for a long time, she is the one I turned to for almost everything. We had all these plans and ideas, but now…

    • I just wanted to tell you I feel you, I lost my best friend 3 years ago less than a month after her 30th birthday. Know you aren’t alone, that’s what’s taken me the longest to comprehend.

      • I feel I can relate to you. I lost my best friend 7/2015 and she only 33. She passed away 3 1/2 months after her birthday. It has forever changed munch life. My heart goes out to everyone who has lost anyone they love. We are all in it together

    • This week is 17 years on from losing my gorgeous girlfriend Emily a day after her 25th birthday in a car accident. I was one day off being with her for the weekend. It is emptiness that never goes away and that longing for the laughter and fun that sometimes a special friendship can bring . The difficult part I have found is allowing other close female friendships. If I start getting to close to someone as a girlfriend I back off. I get so down in the first week of September after 17 years hence find myself googling for coping mechanism. It is a difficult grief. At times I feel guilty for living, marrying kids etc. Then other times after divorce, and life downers I think Em where are you! Hopefully forever 25 in a magical place. I can really Nubia due to age similarities at time of loss.

  90. It will be be the one year anniversary of losing my dear friend and soul sister Pam on Aug 13, 2017, my dear and close neighbors/ friends Brenda Feb 5, 2014 and Coleen 2012. These ladies and their dear husbands helped me through my terrible divorce in 1997 and helped me raise my now adult daughters into fine women. Now that I am older it is not as easy to make friends and I so miss the friendship and history I had with them. We had so much fun and I was just not prepared for approaching my retirement to be without them and to feel so isolated and lonely. My dad just had his 3rd min stroke and we placed him in a nursing home. He hates it and wants to go home every day. My 85 year old mom has lost her partner of 60 years and is trying to cope and does not want to leave the family home. My other close friend that I went to College with is going through Chemo for breast cancer and I feel like my head is about to explode.
    I was such a young and up-starting professional and now I am 57 years old at the end of my career, my girls don’t need me much anymore they have their own lives and I am at a total and utter loss. This all seemed to happen overnight. I do not know who I am anymore and these ladies helped to make my world right. What ever do you do when all your friends pass away, make new ones. Well, I have found out that is not so easy.
    I am pulled all over the place and in no place at all.
    Oh the memories I have, wonderful happy fun times. So very lucky and so very sad at the same time. Not sure how to cope anymore.
    I am so very sorry to have lost my girl gals, my soul sisters, my secret keepers, my identity and I just do not have those ridiculous moments to laugh about anymore. I have gained 50 lbs and look in the mirror and do not know who I am anymore. What I do know is grief is a tricky and a tough thing to go through. We all go through it differently and there is no right way but sharing these story’s help me so that I do not feel so alone.
    I look at the world much differently and let people off the hook at lot easier than I use to because of the lovely ladies that were my friends.

    • I, too, could not have gotten thru my divorce in 1991 w/out my bff. She was divorced the year before me. We took care of each other and raised our children together. She was in a long-term relationship while I remained single but we still found time for each other. I don’t know who I am either. I feel like that’s part of transitioning into a life w/out her.
      We went to college together, that was the beginning of our friendship. Another college friend lives nearby. We drifted as our life situations changed, but she found me after my bff died. She knew and loved her, too. It’s been a lovely re-connection; we understand each other’s grief and the joy of sharing common threads. It won’t replace my bff, but there is comfort there; and moving forward.
      Please be gentle with yourself.

  91. Thank you for this article and thank you all for sharing. I am 2 days away from the 6th anniversary of my best person in the world’s passing. She died of an aneurysm at 39. She was 6 1/2 months pregnant. She had a beautiful little boy who turns 6 tomorrow and then she passed the next day. This doesn’t get any easier. I can’t even handle people saying her name around me or to me without crying. She was my rock, my leader and such a beautiful soul. She built me up when I was down, called me on my bs, and was my everything. My girls call her auntie and I love her. There isn’t a single hour of any day that I don’t think about and mourn her. After 6 years, I can tell you my life has continued but there is a huge gapping hole. I still cry for her. I look at her pictures every day. I have closed myself off to the thought of ever getting that close to anyone ever again because the pain of the loss is unending. Wish me luck as I cry my way through the next few days. I love and miss so much Teresa. I would give everything I own for one more day with you.

    • I am so sorry to hear your story – it’s tragic. It’s clear you loved your friend so very much and still do. I am new to this kind of grief with the bravest, strongest and purest person I know & love having died only 6 hours ago. Cancer consumed her in the most dreadful way, but she barely complained once. I already know that she’ll be with me every day going forwards in my thoughts and I hope that remembering will become bearable. I would change places with her in a heartbeat. She should be here.

  92. hey, nobody treat me with kid gloves ok? thank you 🙂
    December 14th was the day my life has collapsed, i was in freshmen year of high school and currently fifteen going into sophomore. my best friend had died unexpectedly from cardiomyopathy which he never had growing up. he might have developed it while getting older. Him and i were inseparable best friends who we known each other since three years old. i felt like i was dead when i found out. i was bawling my eyes out like i never did before. i never expected him to die. we were talking the night before he passed. we were planning to facetime (since we are deaf), but he thought i wasn’t home, but i was. then i found out after lunch that he passed in his sleep. We were the first class to find out because he was our classmate for our whole lives. i felt angry at god for taking him he was too young to be taken away. it was three days after his birthday he just turned fifteen. he dreamed to drive around with me and family. i miss him everyday and i miss his manly girlish screams and him talking to me 24/7 wherever we go. DZ i miss you bub <3 – sincerely your best friend.

  93. hey, nobody treat me with kid gloves ok? thank you 🙂
    December 14th was the day my life has collapsed, i was in freshmen year of high school and currently fifteen going into sophomore. my best friend had died unexpectedly from cardiomyopathy which he never had growing up. he might have developed it while getting older. Him and i were inseparable best friends who we known each other since three years old. i felt like i was dead when i found out. i was bawling my eyes out like i never did before. i never expected him to die. we were talking the night before he passed. we were planning to factime (since we are deaf), but he thought i wasn’t home, but i was. then i found out after lunch that he passed in his sleep. We were the first class to find out because he was our classmate for our whole lives. i felt angry at god for taking him he was too young to be taken away. it was three days after his birthday he just turned fifteen. he dreamed to drive around with me and family. i miss him everyday and i miss his manly girlish screams and him talking to me 24/7 wherever we go. DZ i miss you bub <3 – sincerely your best friend.

    • Hey Rosie
      Your loss is truly heart wrenching ..
      its also a tough age 15, I know we all need
      Our friends ( mine was 78 when he passed
      In June .. I cry everyday for him) but
      At 15 I’m sure you pretty did everything
      Together and you must be really feeling
      It. It seems so cruel .. your friend
      Didn’t even get a proper chance to
      Live their life whereas Ralph .. my friend had a wonderful long life .. it’s very sad
      And I’m so sorry. I bet your friend would want you to go and do ALL the things you talked about .. do them for both of you ! Take care .. Susan

  94. Regina July 16, 2017
    We were a group of four neighborhood girls who had a lot of fun when we were in our teens. After marriage, relocations, babies, illnesses ….. we always stayed in touch and that amounts to over fifty years. In March of this year one of us died of lung cancer which metasticized to her brain. She was aware of her diagnosis and the four of us increased communicating for the several months prior to her death. We expected death and that was one kind of experience. A few months later, however, another one of us rushed to the ER and was placed in the ICU. There she lingered for over one month until she was flown to another larger hospital for treatment until she died. The cause was acute pancreatitis. It was a complete and total shock to everyone. I look back to the Friday before she went to the ER and am thankful that we spoke on the phone and said, “I love you” before hanging up. This last death is much, much tougher to deal with since it was completely unexpected. Now it’s just two of us remaining. I don’t believe we could love one another any more or be any better friends. All four of us could speak our minds and not become angry. We had those connections to the old neighborhood and could laugh about the “old days.” There is a hole in my heart that I can patch but never make better. At my age I find it difficult to make new friends due to health problems. I’m realistic about that and working at simply being grateful to have had such incredible friendships for so long.

  95. Mary Ellen FortierJuly 13, 2017 at 10:38 amReply

    Thank you. For 3 months I’ve been navigating this path after the sudden death of my best friend, my person, my soul sister. As she said, we led parrallell lives. We knew each other better then anyone else knew us. I am only 58 years old, she was 59. I never imagined a time would come that she would not be there. I’ve been broken. And you are right, noone really understands this path unless they have walked it. Your article validates so much of what I am feeling. Thank you so much. I can’t wait to see you song list. Its interesting there are 2 songs that have been very strong for me during this period. The feeling that I’ll never have another relationship like this. I don’t think it’s possible. We were friends for close to 30 years – I’m 57! But we were so much alike in so many ways, different in others but those differences complimented us. So many times in the past 3 months something has happened and I’ve wanted to call her. In fact one time I did leave her a voicemail on her cell phone which had not yet been turned off. It was comfort just to hear her voice again. Thank you. This article should be shared far and wide.

  96. My best friend of four years died two years ago when I was a freshman in high school, ive never felt so much pain in my whole entire life. I was literally 15 I shouldn’t have had to go through that, he killed himself.. How could he have done that to me, what happened that night that made him so upset he felt that he had to take his own like? I was so angry! How could he put me and the whole school through that much pain. I feel so guilty every day, he called me that night but i didnt get to answer because i was in the shower. There was someting I could have done to stop him. Its been two years and im still livid about it. I wont ever get over him.

    • I am so sorry for what you have gone through, Jade. One of the impossible things when someone dies by suicide is that it isn’t rational. Often we are left trying to “make sense” of it when there is no way to make sense of it, other than knowing that in that moment a person felt there was truly no other option. Please never feel you need to “get over him”. When people have such a deep impact on us, they will be part of our life and memory forever. Though it will be hard, hopefully eventually you will find the memories of your friendship can begin to take up more space than the anger and guilt. We have some other posts that you may want to check out:




      I hope you find some support on our site.

  97. My best friend Brian died suddenly in his sleep a month ago. He was healthy.. full of life.. just turned 40.

    We met 10 years ago as penpals. He was in prison and I had a job with long hours and not much to do as my clients’ slept. He was already 5 years into his long sentence when we met. He had been a victim of drug abuse and he stole from a friend of the judge who sentenced him. Instead of getting 4 or 5 years– he got 30. With prison overcrowding, he was out in 13. It was still a long sentence for a non-violent crime.

    I wrote him and visited him during those 8 remaining years. He helped me with so much and we confided every detail of our lives in each other. Two years ago, he got out of prison, and he did everything that he said he would do! He got a good paying job, reconnected with his daughter, found a beautiful wife and started a great life. As soon as he got it started, he died.

    I’m especially having a hard time with his death. After listening to him talk about his dream life for nearly a decade- and then seeing him Get It… only to lose it within 2 years… we’ll it breaks my heart in a million pieces. We wrote 1000 letters and shared so much with each other. I feel eternally sad and that a piece of my heart is missing.

    Nobody really gets my loss because we lived somewhat far apart and only had a chance to hang out 3-4 times after he got out. I always thought we would though someday. I imagined us old– having a good time together. I loved him so much. I’m sure our relationship seems weird to people, but it was very meaningful to me. We did drift apart a little as he met his spouse and I met mine… but our friendship was so rock solid– I felt that a little drifting meant nothing. It feels like everything now though, and I have tons of regrets that I didn’t make more of an effort to see him in his new life.

    I wish I had those memories that so many have on here of camping trips, birthday parties and lunches out. All I have though is a duffle bag of letters and memories from inside prison visiting rooms. They are special and they are mine.. but my heart burns that we didn’t have more.

    I’m scared of all my loved ones dying now. I cry at the weirdest times. When I fall asleep I wonder if I’ll wake up. I wonder if when I die, I’ll get to see him again. Will it even be the same ? How can it be that I will never hug him again?! How does someone die in their sleep– who’s in perfectly good health? Why did couldn’t he have enjoyed his life a little longer? Is this all a bad nightmare! These are questions that cycle my thoughts constantly. Thanks for listening to my sad story.

    • Jessica
      I don’t think your friendship seems weird at all. People come from all walks of life. But
      It’s is extremely unfair this poor guy had
      Got so close to realising his dream to have it cruelly snatched away. The part of your
      Story that got me crying was that you can’t believe you won’t get to hug your lovely friend again. I miss that too. I guess me and my friend Ralph seemed unusual a pairing too. I’m 52 he was nearly 80.. we met at a poetry group ., we went everywhere together . He had a wife and family but
      They weren’t involved in his creative side although encouraged it. Musician poet and all round nice guy Ralph was famous in Liverpool.. and loved by all. We were in touch most days .. we’d just met and were
      Planning organising a big nite when he was taken ill . I got to see him 3 more times
      Before his family said no more visitors.
      This killed me. I didn’t get to say goodbye.
      I feel robbed. I cry myself to sleep most
      Nites .. guess I loved him much more than I realised. Life is certainly unfair. I think your friend was a very lucky guy to have you
      As a friend and make his time in prison bearable .. you encouraged him to dream
      And believe in a future and you can’t buy that .. take care
      Susan

  98. I can’t believe I am writing here but it seems like the right thing to do. The best friend a girl ever had passed after 45 years of sisterhood. I keep in touch with her loved ones however I understand that I need to reach up rather than laterally. We are all in a well together. There is a reason for everything in Gods timing however we do not understand. I’m old that one day I will say; of course. Well for right now the loneliness in immeasurable. No one I know on earth was like her, This has affected all of my other relationships because her spot was so unique. Sincerely, yearning and longing for ….. I have no idea what I am looking for. The pain to go away? Bwaaaaaa

  99. In Sept 2016, my closest friend was diagnosed with Large B diffused non-Hodgkins lymphoma. It was 2 weeks after her 60th birthday. She had been living with sjogrens and lupus for many years but was diligent in taking care of herself. I can’t understand that the biopsies she’d had came back benign every time. Suddenly, she was Stage 4. Chemo was very aggressive for this aggressive cancer, but we all had hope because everything we read about it said it’s a curable cancer.
    Six months later, after the pain and sickness of chemotherapy and neulasta, she was told the cancer was back and they couldn’t stop it. She took part in an immunotherapy trial, even though from the very beginning she said she Did Not Want To Be A Guinea Pig. She felt she had no choice. Within 10 days of the new treatment she was taken off it. It was very unsuccessful for her. She was curled in a fetal position, suffering from “chemo brain”, and having hallucinations. She went to rehab hoping to gain some weight back and be able to try stem cell therapy. Not liking the food in rehab got her motivated to walk again. Her siblings and I took her home for the day whenever we could. A month later she was dead.
    She was 2 weeks older than me. We’d known each other since we were sophomores in college, living on the same floor and eventually becoming roommates. We each married soon after graduating, lived near each other and held each other up when we each divorced. She was divorced first and guided me in scheduling visitation so we would have our children on the same weekends. We raised our children together. We did things together when our kids were with their fathers. We knew each other’s families well. We knew everything about each other. She met a guy and moved in with him. Even though I stayed single we still did things together, just not as often. She was my satellite. Any time I was in need, she knew just what to say. I was always available to her first, after my children.
    I cut my hair to 1/2″ so we could grow our hair back together when she stopped the chemo. Many, many people told me what a hard thing it must have been doing that. No. The hard thing is trying to live with this hole in my life.
    I was the last person she looked at. I’d gone out to do some errands. Friends and family told me she waited for me because she heard my voice when I returned, turned to me with fright and stopped. Just stopped. She was not ready to die. Everyone but me did what they could to make her comfortable and to help her accept it. But, I knew she needed someone who agreed with her. We all did what we could for her.
    I don’t know if I’ll ever stop crying. Those of us who are close to her stay in touch with each other. I’m finding this site helpful. I’m also looking for a bereavement group.

    • I spent a lot of time over the weekend talking w/ close friends of ours. it was comforting but at the same time very difficult; I feel myself moving into another “phase”, that of learning my “new normal”. It’s uncomfortable because I do NOT want to learn a new normal. Facing it is the only healthy option. But, that means I lose a little more of her.

    • Hi Marion,

      I just read your post. I can relate to everything, my situation is very similar to yours except both my friend and I were married and had children and we didn’t live close, but we were SO close anyway because we found many good ways to work around the distance. Technology is a wonderful thing. We met in college 32 years ago and were almost instantly best friends, we were SO much alike. I loved her from the get-go and she became family. I was far away from home, but having her in my life never made me homesick. We lived in the same town for two years, then I moved back home. We started writing letters and emails, and traveled to each other lots of times. In the last 15 years I traveled to her about twice a year and stayed 10-14 days. We had the best of times! We also traveled together to several countries and US states. In the last 10 years, we had the very best friendship, emailed almost every day and skyped about every other week, it was like having coffee together, like being in the same room. She knew everything about me and I about her, we have laughed and we have cried.

      Then in 2015, she started complaining about abdominal pain. She went to the doctor and he gave her a diagnosis, a disease of the gastrointestinal tract. She learned to live with it, stayed active, traveled, everything. 15 months later she got much worse, went to the doctor and learned it was cancer. I was devastated for her, for us. This was December of last year. I cried many tears. Two weeks later, her situation was very grave, it was at least stage 3. Surgery was two weeks later, in mid-January, she was already very weak. The results were not good, at this point it was stage 4. She was going to be in the hospital for 3-5 days, but never made it home. Recovery was so slow. It didn’t help that an infection set in. Every day when this was going on I couldn’t really function. I wanted to be there, do something, help her get better. Things looked up a little a few days later. I asked her on Skype if she wanted me to come. She looked desperate and said yes. I got on the plane the next day and the next evening I was at her bedside, I came straight from the airport. I was not the only one there, there were others, but for a couple if days it was only me and her. It was such a gift. Unfortunately she didn’t get better, only worse, and on the sixth day she passed away, but I am so glad I could be with her all those six days. They were long days, I did not go anywhere, I hardly ate, I didn’t want to leave her. She was confused and hardly talked, but she knew who I was and said that she wanted me to stay forever, so I did. I was not there the moment she passed but stayed until two hours before. I wish I could have been, but I was exhausted and had to sleep. This is now four months ago, and there has been only one day that I didn’t cry and that was a couple of days ago.

      When she died I also received no more of her emails or Skype calls, that was very painful. I didn’t know what to do with myself, so much of my free time had gone to our communication. I started to read books, learn new things, go for walks, anything to find a “new normal.” It’s hard. I wrote a memory book and found that it helped, I wrote about things I would have written to her. I still write occasionally. I miss her every day, she is always on my mind. I know she doesn’t want me to be this unhappy, but I can’t help it. My other friends can’t really understand how I can grieve her this much, but then again it was a very, very special friendship. I doubt that most people will ever know such a friendship.

      Two weeks after her passing, back in February, I found a lump. I don’t know what compelled me to even look for it, ìt was just a sort of intuition. I had it checked by a doctor and was referred to the hospital. Now five doctors later I have been told it’s cancer. It’s almost too much to bear, losing your best friend to cancer and then being told three months later I too have it. I have no real pain, but that doesn’t mean it can’t be advanced. I start x-rays next week, so they can stage it and I can start treatment. I hope I can beat this thing; despite the loss I still want to live, be with my husband and grown children, hopefully have grandchildren one day, but if I don’t I can be with my best friend in Heaven and that gives me great comfort, I won’t be alone.

      Life will not be the same for us again, but we will have to make the best of it, take one day at a time. Sadness too is a part of life, without it we can’t truly know joy. Best friends is a wonderful thing, but nothing lasts forever, one friend always has to say goodbye to the other, and in this case it was you and me who had to do it, stay behind.

      Wishing you all the best for the future,
      AGH

      • AGH, i’m sorry about your diagnosis and admire your strength. yes, you are strong, but you don’t have to think about that. this is devastating on top of losing your bff. i didn’t have daily contact w/ my friend. we called, wrote, emailed when we thought of each other and could make plans. we also saw each other monthly at the book club we started 15 years ago.
        i’m still struggling . i’ve lost my satellite . i’m trying to keep in mind that my bff is right here. i’ve had several occasions in which i know it’s her telling me things, or giving me ideas. i’ve dreamed about her and the next morning do what happened in the dream.
        i found a helpful essay by anne morrow lindbergh. it’s from her book Hour Of Gold, Hour Of Lead. it’s about grief. i’ve read it so many times. it’s helped a lot.
        grief counseling has helped but after today i can’t afford $100/hour. a very close family friend, a “big sister” to me really, is a therapist and she’s helping me. it’s good to have someone who understands your life and where you come from.
        i’m lucky that there are a few other close friends who stay in touch w/ me. having the closeness of our relationship recognized helps very much.

    • Marion
      Your story made me cry .. truly heartbreaking.. your lovely friend did not
      Want to die and fought hard. Imagine never having the fantastic friendship you both
      Had .. you were both so blessed.
      Stay strong for your friend
      Susan x

  100. I have read many stories of people whom have lost their best friends. There is simply no measure of pain, grief for such a loss. It breaks my heart to pieces. Sharing your story online, especially with strangers and not those who can judge you brings a great sense comfort and peace but at the same time it feels like I would be betraying a special part of my soul in telling my most deepest inner truth, a pain that is so special and that I have kept hidden and cherished deep within myself for so many years, and at the same time that hurt is a beautiful slow poison that is my only reminder as I am not ( and don’t think i ever will be) ready to face the good and happy times we shared.

  101. I lost my best friend over a year ago and after 40 years of outdoor adventures and sharing a lot of life I cannot fully explain the emptiness and loss of words to express it. My best friend was also my brother in law, my hunting buddy, my camping companion, and meant so much to me. I am full of the memories that right now seem to hurt more than help. I feel like a great part of my life has changed, we loved the challenge to try and outwit the other. We were comfortable together in any situation, I miss my friend, I felt part of my life left with him. He died so suddenly of a heart attack and the world shattered that night. I know I will see him again in heaven, we were both believers and often talked of Jesus. I am trying my best with a broken spirit to move on because I know that even though his life on earth is done that I have to move on , but I miss my buddy. I am just having a tough time trying to adjust to him not being there. I pray God will help my heart to heal and regain my interest again, its harder than some think. I pray for us all on this thread, I hope that all find peace and know they are loved and not alone.

  102. hi i cried just reading all your stories.. i lost my close friend 2 weeks ago and my days have not been the same. she was diagnosed 6 months ago with a rare form of cancer! i spoke to her through out this painful ordeal and never dreamt shell leave me….
    its so painful… i just want to talk to her one more time. she left so sudden…

    • Hi Lisa. I read your post and I understand what you’re going through. My best friend died 4 years ago of a rare form of concern and I miss her so much. I still have thoughts about her. It’s kind of hard now because it seems like her family doesn’t even think about me, I don’t get invited to any family functions. It really hurts because I have known her family for 25 years. I’m still grieving.

  103. My best friend passed away just 2 months shy of what would’ve been her 30th birthday from an overdose. The day I found out my heart dropped and I couldn’t move. I couldn’t believe it was real. We had been best friends since 18. She was my first friend at college. We got so close… I considered her to be one of my sisters. It’s been about 6 months now but I still can’t get over it. I don’t think I ever will.

    I’ll never forget the day I found out she was going down the right path. I tried to help her when I could, but I know I could have done more. The pain of living with that regret is something I can’t shake. She was in and out of rehab for years. Many days, she wasn’t my best friend. I didn’t know who she was anymore. Everyone gave up on her when she needed it most, including me. She would send me letters all the time and messages and many times, I ignored them because I was so angry with her abuse issues.

    How can I live like this? With this regret of not being able to do more for her? I know life moves on and that it’s not good to put the blame on myself, but how can I not? She would write to me from Rehab… she knew she had a problem and was trying to get better. She had no family. Her mother killed herself when she was 10 and her dad is mentally ill. It’s so sad because I tried hard at time but I just wish I was more prepared to help her. I wish I would have reached out to other people for help. I feel like it was my fault. Addiction is a disease and this whole situation has taught me that I need to try harder next time.

    I read many of the stories on here and I just wanted to send you all love and light. Thank you for pouring yourselves out and being a light in the darkness. I feel like you are all listening to me open my heart out and it’s comforting during this time. Somehow we can and will get through this or at least learn to live with the pain. We can lean on each other for support and know we are not alone.

    • Thank you so very much for sharing your loss with this forum. I woke up out of a deep sleep and was wondering why, and my thoughts always go to her… I always wonder if my best friend who has passed is still around…Your story resonated with me the most. I lost my best friend September 17th 2015. I found out 3 days before my birthday she had been murdered in an abandoned house and remained there for weeks until she was found… We became. Instant friends while working on a project our senior year in high school. The connection was almost immediate, and with our newfound friendship, we celebrated both of our birthdays on my birthday over cheesecake and long conversation. Hers had passed in late Aug. She was my opposite as far a personality but I think that was part of our connection. She loved everything about me that others didn’t, or didn’t understand…my personal cheerleader.. Over the years we would drift apart then reunite., and it was like we never had been away from each other. Her life choices were frustrating for me. Sometimes I felt like I cared about her more than she did. When she passed we were on one of our “breaks”. I often wonder if she ever really knew how much I loved and cared for her, how I was her cheerleader too, eagerly waiting for her to make better and healthier choices so we could be close like we used to. The regret I feel is so heavy somedays, it’s almost unbearable. If maybe I would’ve reached out to her, I could’ve somehow saved her. She would have been with me at my house where it was always home to her, instead of being blown away by a SOB who was using and exploiting her. I know I failed my friend… How do you just get over that?? Time is supposed to heal all wounds….it hasn’t yet. I get lonesome for her….I pass by places we used to hang and get choked up….she died not knowing that I truly loved her, and cared for her, and wanted to be part of her solution not her problem, her victory in life not her downfall….I guess all this rambling is just me missing my friend and our friendship….If only I go back in time….could go back to our fights and hug her. Longrr and tighter…and ler her know it’s gonna be ok and she deserved so much more….

  104. I lost 3 friends last year , and now I feel like I’m a ghost ship that’s slipped it’s moorings , and have drifted off into a silent and bleak looking seascape . The phone and computer were my gateway to them , and now they too have died , and all I can think of , is when will I go , and will I meet them again in another reality ? I live on my own since splitting up with my lady partner a while back , so there’s no one around the house to express my feelings too , and therefore they have been put in a box marked…Don’t Open . I can’t cry , perhaps it’s because I’m a man ? I don’t know , these guys grew up with me , we chased girls together , got our first cars together , got drunk , and went through all the rights of passage stuff that young guys do.
    We stuck with each other through all the good and the bad times , our friendship was unconditional , and I consider myself blessed that they were my kind and caring friends , for all those years , no man could wish for more. I’ve read all the pages on this site , and have been greatly touched and moved by the love and painful loss expressed here .
    God bless you all. Chris .

  105. My best friend suddenly passed away a month ago. The whole after process has really hit me hard but in my final year of high school I’m struggling to find find balance and peace in my life. my entire school career has amounted to this last year and as much as I would like to keep pushing myself to succeed I am feeling physically and mentally weak. I’m afraid if I keep going I will eventually break under the pressure and waste all of this. I want to call but what will this do? I know there is comfort in sharing with others but all my life I have been sharing the same stories over and over with different doctors etc, no result. I know that any peace I find is going to come from myself, searching for it is just part of the work. I need advice on what to do with all these different things going on. I feel sad losing such a special bond with someone I love. A best friend relationship is so sacred that I find it hard to really explain it to anyone. The secrets, adventures and simply the way you communicate with this person are so genuine and comforting. I miss the messages, pictures and silly things we sent each other. I miss late night talks, sleepovers, playing cards, music and the only person who has known me for exactly as I am today. I know this is long but thank you just for this site much love, Kristy.

  106. My best friend, trusted colleague, and mutual crush of many years died 7 days before my birthday in Nov 2016. I’m still devastated. Will be forever. I’m with the other commenter, though. If I didn’t keep telling myself that he’s here next to me, helping me through every waking and sleeping hour, and that I’ll see him again “soon”, I’d be unable to cope at times. Fortunately, as you pointed out in the article, his family has realized the importance of our friendship and lovingly embraced me. It helps. Only they can begin to understand my level of grief. Even though theirs is very different all at the same time. Much love to all of you. Thank you for the article.

  107. Paul McCartney’s song Little Willow deals with grieving. Makes me cry and feel better at the same time. He wrote it to support a friend who was grieving the death of someone in their life.

  108. I just want to thank the author of this article. I had lost a best friend back in 1986, she was hit by a drunk driver. The accident was one year and two week to the day I lost my Mom. After I lost my Mom and my best friend I just buried myself in work. The pain was so great I didn’t think I would get through it. Fortunately, a friend of mine and my best friends came back in to my life. I have known her about 45 years and when we got together again, it was like no time had passed between us. We instantly were as close as we had been when we were in our twenties. We gambled together, shopped with each other and even exchanged Birthday and Christmas presents. We were always there for each other no matter what. She developed a brain tumor and had been operated on quite a few times. Her last surgery was a year ago in January and never really recovered from that. She wanted to die at home and the an ambulance came to the hospital, she died in her husband’s arms before he could get her into the ambulance. She died April 26th and I had not seen or talked to her since her birthday in December. She told her husband that she did not want me to see her all bandaged and full of tubes. I crried and I prayed for a miracle. Lit candles, had masses said for her, but it was no use. It was her time. I don’t think her husband ever in his wildest imagination knew just how close we were. Her aunts would come to see me and give me an update on her condition, but I was not allowed to see or speak to her at all. Her aunt would ask her if she wanted to see me and she would just start to cry. At the funeral, the family got to see her in the casket, but not me or my family. I went to the services and it was the most terrible thing I think I have ever endured. I didn’t go back to the house after the services were over, I just couldn’t face those people who I always regarded as my family. I did bring myself to go up to her husband and tell him how sorry I was. He turned to me and thanked me for being such a good gambling buddy to his wife. At that point my heart hurt so much I couldn’t get away fast enough. I went to the east coast for six months, going to church, litting the candle and asking God to please help me with this pain. The day I got home, my daughter took me to her resting place. Alone there, I just let it all out. My daughter had left me to be alone with her. I brought her picture with me and sat on the ground and talked to her, what seems to be hours. When I was away, her husband did call me and apologized for the way he had treated me. I guess all his family and friends did a number on him, excluding me. She was a very private person and didn’t show much affection toward many people,but I know in my heart how much she loved me. I don’t know if I will ever get over this loss, but thanks for giving me a place to write down my feelings. It sure did help.

    • Hi Patty,

      Thanks for sharing your story, it brought tears to my eyes. I’m sorry her family treated you the way they did, you did not deserve it. Sometimes family members don’t understand what best friends can mean to each other and that they too can be family albeit not by blood. I had a very special friendship with my best friend for over 32 years, she died a little over four months ago. I’m still trying to adjust to a new life without her. Even though I still have everybody else, my life is forever changed. If you want to read my story, go to Marion’s post and read the reply from AGH.
      All the best to you, know that you are not alone.
      AGH

  109. What do you do when the person that makes every bad thing in life bearable is the one who died.

  110. Thank you so much for this post. My best friend passed away suddenly a little over 3 months ago in a car accident and just about everything here has spoken to the deep, and devastating sadness I am experiencing over losing her. I am having a hard time and the “new normal” is very lonely. Yes, life moves along,…I have a loving spouse, and 4 children (2 who have left the nest),…I have a job that is fulfilling, I have a great community…but my best friend is gone. We raised our kids together, we travelled together, we walked each other through life’s lows and highs,… we were each others best reflections of ourselves that we had in the world. 2 weeks before she passed, we were having coffee on my deck, chatting, when she reached over and held my hand and laughed, “We’ll be doing this when we are 85.” And I was more sure of that than anything else. She was sunshine and missing her hurts more than any other loss I have yet experienced, and I’ve had my fair share. So, thank you so much for this site and in particular this passage, it has been very supportive.

  111. I want to sincerely say thank you to the author of this article and also to those that kindly shared their experience also. My best friend of 25 years is dying of cancer. It is not likely he will make his 37th birthday in 2 weeks. This is truly tearing me apart and I feel like so few people really understand the magnitude of losing your ‘chosen family’ member. There isn’t a person on this earth that means more to me than him. It is really a level of grief I have never experienced, even in spite of losing close family members in the past. I wish everyone who is grieving the loss of their beloved frienda find some peace in their hearts. All my love and respect

  112. I am happy to have read this post. My best friend just passed away 2 weeks ago…i am lost. We have been bffs for 25 years. No one on this planet is as close to me as she was. No secrets, 100% trust. Only she would know how to help me deal with this, but she is not here. My heart feels like its in a vice grip. I am close with her family, but it doesnt make it any easier. WE had totally different relationships with her. MY daughters looked to her as their TeeTee (aunt). ITs really difficult, and i just dont know what to do.

  113. I searched for something tonight on this topic, and found your post. My best friend died suddenly last year, at the age of 47. We were friends since we were 16. She was with me when I met my husband in high school. She was there for the breakups, for the times we got back together…the wedding 10 years after high school…the painful, bitter divorce 17 years later, and the two babies that were born in between. She was better than family. And now she’s gone. She was my rock, and as I think about the rest of my life without her, it looks so empty. She didn’t know I remarried this past July, to someone I knew for 35 years. She won’t see my babies grow up. She won’t see her own children continue to grow….to marry….to have babies of their own. A huge hug to all who have lost one of the most important people in their life as I have. A week after she passed away, I found a dragonfly wing in my kitchen. Never seen one in my life. Supposedly, they let you know when someone you love has visited. Hoping it was a sign from her, I miss her and think of her every day <3

    • Robin, i totally understand how you feel. When i think to the future, it scares me to realize that she won’t be there. I cant even think that right now. I feel so isolated like no one understands how i feel…i feel like this is a bad dream and soon ill wake up and she will say SIKE!!
      This is real, and i dont know how to carry on without her. Also, i believe the dragonfly wing was definitely your friend showing you she is all around you.

  114. I’m so glad I found this post. I have also searched Google many times when I’m feeling helpless and alone. Never finding anything until now.

    I lost my best friend of over 8 years. Just 7 months ago. She was 25 years young She was hit by a truck. I was there and saw the whole thing. I held her hand and kissed her cheek one last time while she laid there in the road. I put my coat on her to keep her warm. Unfortunately she died in the ambulance. Its true nobody truly understands what I’m going through. Our close group of friends are all grieving together in some way. But I was the only one of us girls that was there. I always ask myself why me. And I find it hard some times to seek comfort from my other friends. I know it may be a long shot. But I’m looking for a book to read, one specifically on dealing with a sudden death of a best friend. Losing a best friend is so hard, I never wish it on anyone. Losing a best friend suddenly and violentry is worse. Witnessing it in person is something I’ll never be able to cope with.

    I love you Cailin

  115. I don’t know what to say or do… I am almost 50 years old and have suffered (caused?) loss before in my life but yesterday my friend Joe died… I went to work today and just sat and tried to think of anything else… I failed. I don’t have many close friends and Joe has been my friend most of my adult life, I feel lost and so very sad. Like me Joe is a Marine, like me Joe is a casino guy (we both work in the industry), like me Joe is about 50 years old, like me Joe loved computers and RPG’s, like me Joe loved the casino industry… it feels like I died. I know that sounds stupid but that’s how it feels, I’m never going to see him again… ever… how is that going to work, who am I going to call and talk about this with. it sucks, I hate they way I feel and I can’t imagine that I will ever feel any different. I don’t think I felt this alone when other people (family) died, why do I feel like this now. its worse when a mutual friend calls to say “they just heard”… I want to hang up on them or scream or … I don’t know what…

    “Behind every beautiful thing, there’s some kind of pain.”
    ― Bob Dylan

  116. I lost my Bestfriend 9-6-16, I can’t do anything other than cry. They say thats going to help but including i grew up with him, i lost a “brother”….. I am so confused anymore.

  117. I am so thankful to have come across this article. I have read through all the comments and found some comfort that others are experiencing the pain and anguish I feel. I wish it wasn’t so. I wish all of you weren’t hurting so profoundly. My dear friend, Liz, passed away on Juky 31, 2016. We had known each other since we were toddlers. She was 45 when she died. We were very closes down shared so much during our 40+ years together. We had one of those friendships that felt like we were sisters. After college, we lived in the same state but in separate cities. We remained close but didn’t get to spend as much time in person together. It didn’t matter, we were still very connected. The last five years we kept in touch mainly through Facebook, phone calls and texting. Both of us had small children which made it hard to travel for visits. It didn’t really feel like we were apart. She was always with me. So, I was shocked when I learned about her death on Facebook while I was at work on Aug 1st. I opened Facebook and had 6 private messages from people who were also friends with her from various parts of our lives. “What happened the Liz?” “I am so sorry I know you were so close.” “Do you know what happens and her arrangements.” It went on and on. I was in in total shock and disbelief. I called her mother and she told me Liz had passed the day before. She went on to say she didn’t realize I didn’t know Liz was ill. Apparently she had been sick most of the summer and in the hospital the whole month of July! Last we talked was in Late April. She didn’t tell me she was sick. She didn’t tell me she was dying. I can’t even comprehend that. I can’t process it. I can’t deal with imagining her in so much pain and not being there for her. At her funeral, they had some pictures of her out. One was with me. It was painful to see. During the service I couldn’t contain my grief. I looked around at everyone and people were sad and dabbing their eyes, but I was completely sobbing uncontrollably. Maybe they all knew she was sick and had some time to process it? I don’t know. I just felt like I needed to run out of there. So now, I am trying to understand. I am trying to make sense of it all. It’s such a profound loss. I can’t believe I can’t just pick up the phone and talk to her. I can’t believe I can’t text her and get an answer. I am shattered and trying to figure out where to start in my grieving process. So, this is where I am starting. Thanks for listening.

    • Hi Claire,
      Out of all the posts, yours is the one that resonates with me the most. I am so glad there is an article here for best friends. I lost my best friend unexpectedly on Sunday and tomorrow are the services. I’m dreading this. Like you, we texted every single day almost 15x a day. Even though I moved to Arizona (from Rhode Island), we continued to get closer. And we told each other everything. We basically experienced being pregnant with our first babies together. People do not understand this intense loss. I even told my mom that I didn’t want to come bac to RI again unless I had to and she got mad at me.
      I hear stupid phrases like she was gone to soon but “I take comfort in the fact she’s resting in the arms of the Lord??!! What??!! There is no comfort to me about this at all! She’s leaving behind her boyfriends of 20 years and a 5 year old son. There are some horrible people walking around living till their 80+ old. It’s always the people who have so much to live for who are taken from us too soon. She had an autoimmune disease but never at any point I expected her to die. I’m so heart broken, anxiety ridden and I feel like my soul is gone. I think about once the services are over it’s final. I will go back to my way of life in Arizona. I’m a stay at home mom, and my best friend stayed home but it was due to her illness. I’m railed by the fact I won’t be able to text her silly things anymore, talk about life, our kids and even wine. Every time I came to RI my trips revolved around her. She was so special. It will hurt to come here. She literally died a month before to the exact day of her 40th birthday. I was supposed to celebrate her birthday not come here for her funeral. I have waves like this can’t be real.

  118. it has been 2 weeks since i lost my best friend of 30 years. we raised our children together, buried our parents and her husband, as well as our precious pets. we have had full lives and enjoyed great adventures together. but, i cant stop being weepy. i was accepted and included by her children (they call me their other mother as mine did of her). our friendship was unusual, it was something i dont see in other relationships but on this site, i feel there are numerous people that understand how deep our friendship was.

    i took her to the emergency room, i thought it was a kidney stone. she told me “this is much worse”. after the diagnosis of cancer in 5 organs, she told me she wouldnt make 6 weeks. she died 6 weeks later – to the day. it feels like i should have been able to get some of this under me. inspite of the time sitting at her bedside, i cannot stop. i want her back. i want just a few more times on the phone with her.

    my children and hers have taken to calling me frequently and asking “how are you”… i am so sick of that question. i am heart broken. i cry at anything and i am not a crier – she was! my son told me that they have all talked about me… which feels odd. but he said they are all very worried because – look in the mirror – youre a mess. but, i feel like i just have to continue this slow, SLOW, painful, sorrowful progress at whatever speed i can. i hope it doesnt take forever to stop hurting so much, i know i will miss her forever. i will always feel so lucky to have had her with me for so long and through so much.
    i love you elizabeth. good bye

  119. Christina ArnoldinJune 16, 2016 at 11:37 pmReply

    Wow.. This article is awesome.. My best friend died suddenly one month ago yesterday. It was a devastating blow. I am fortunate though, as her family treated me as though I was family. Especially her daughter who I’ve know for 20 years. They included me in the planning of the service. Mentioned me in the obituary, and talked about our friendship in the eulogy. Her daughter asked me to ride in the family funeral car, and insisted that I sit with her during the service. I was honoured. However, I really feel that most people do not I understand the depth of my grief. In the weeks since, I have gotten back to my normal routine. Although I think about her several times a day, I haven’t really cried for her since about the second week after she died. Last night I had a dream about her for the first time since she passed away… We were in a field. It was a warm and sunny morning. I was crying, and told that I missed her.. She wiped a tear off of my cheek and told me it was oaky. I then hugged her. When I woke I could still sense her warmth, and feel her hair against my face. While I’m grateful that I had this dream, I’ve also felt sad all day. As I tried to fall asleep tonight, the tears started to roll down my cheeks. I got up, turned my computer on, and searched grieving the loss of a best friend. This is the first sight I clicked on, and I am so glad I did. It’s helpful to know that someone actually understands what it is like for the best friend who is left behind…. Thank-you so much.. Your words have been very helpful.

    • Ah Christina, I am so sorry for you loss but so glad her family has shown such incredible support. And what a beautiful dream, but I imagine it could make for a sad day. I am so glad you found our little corner of the internet. I hope our other articles are also of help in your grief.

  120. I don’t think i could have expressed myself better than Brandi. I lost my best friend a little more than a year ago and then my father unexpectedly. My best friend was the one person i shared absolutely everything with – we were friends for over 50 years! since before we were babies as our parents were friends. Now my father with whom i was close, has gone but my best friend too. as Brandi said, i miss me. I will not be the same again….no matter how hard i will try…i know me!

  121. Thank you. I lost my best friend not yet a year ago. She was only 38. I struggle all the time. You have hit the nail on the head on how I feel and how others don’t understand. Some have told me that I am letting it get me down too much. They say they miss the old happy Brandi. I don’t know how to tell them, that I miss me too. But I am not sure how to get that back or if I ever will. I too and looking for a group to talk to. I don’t know of anyplace where I live, but doesn’t anyone know of a group on FB or anything that I could join to talk with others who are experiencing or have experienced such a loss?

  122. My lover and friend of nearly 35 years died at my feet and I couldn’t revive him. He died from a massive heart attack and couldn’t have been revived even if medical attention had been there. His family didn’t know me and are a little hostile. I wish I was dead too. My life is feeling very empty right now although I have some wonderful people in my life and appreciate their support. No one will ever replace him and I’m not sure if I want to keep on living. He died yesterday at 900 am. His family has told me there will be no funeral just a cremation and scattering of ashes. I wish I had died too

  123. Hi Julia,
    I don’t know what to say but I wish I could squeeze you and give you a big hug. It hurts, it sucks, but please don’t give up! I’m here to chat if you want, or I can send you my personal email if you want to chat. Please don’t give up. Please reply and let us know that you’re ok! Sending big big hugs to you xoxox

  124. hey, im julia. my bestfriend was shot on juner 1st. i dont know how to handle this. we planned our futures together as best friends we said we would share an cheap appartment here in new york. he was shot and killed over stolen money that he didnt even steal. they beat up his brother shot his other friend and killed him. i cant belive this happend it happend so fast. i have alot of support but idk if its working. i trap myself in my room and cry till the pain is gone. ive become depressed. i need him, im forever lost with out him. his funeral was sunday. everyone cried so hard me especialy. i stood there stsringing into his face crying. but no expression. i cant imagen how there family is reacting to this. it hurts me. this makes me relize that everyone dies not matter what so i feel like it couuld happen to me so easily so whats the piont. idk what to do. im 14 years old he was 16. im done

    • Julia,

      Your loss is SO recent and from what you’ve expressed your feelings sound normal and appropriate considering the traumatic loss you’ve been through. I would encourage you to lean on your support as much as possible. It isn’t always obvious that ANYTHING is working in grief, you just cope with things one day at a time, bit by bit, and eventually things should get easier. This sounds like such an extremely intense and profound loss for you, if you have the choice I wouldn’t rule out the idea of talking to a counselor, just to have an objective person to talk to. I realize that right now things may seem pointless and meaningless, these are common feelings in grief, but please hang in there.

      Eleanor

  125. My best friend of almost 40 years died yesterday morning from his 3rd stroke. He was like my big brother, the one person I could talk to about anything. His family doesn’t know me, I only have contact with his ex, and she doesn’t like me. He lived 500 miles away, and I have guilt for not visiting this year, or being a better friend. I am devastated, like someone punched a hole in my heart. Sometimes I can barely breathe. I am trying to focus on things to keep busy, but sometimes I just want to throw up.

  126. I just lost my friend of 11yrs, we met when she did my hair for my wedding and became best friends since. I have never lost anyone so close to me, I have 1 sister i am super close to, ( i have 4 sisters, 1 brother) I dont know how to cope with her loss, I blame her boyfriend who should have been taking care her… She had 3 children…She was my best friend,Hairdresser, And all around a great person.

  127. I recently lost my best friend. We’ve known each other since we were 17. I remember the first time I saw her I thought she’ll never like me. She was just too cool — everything I ever wanted to be. Once I got to know her I saw the warm person underneath and we hit it off, much to my surprise because all my life I was made to feel that I was not likeable. I was the black sheep in my family and constantly got into trouble even if I didn’t do anything! I was the target for all their frustrations. Needless to say I was not close to any member of my family and was too happy to move out once I got the chance to. This is the time I met my best friend. She welcomed me into her home, introduced me to her loving parents and siblings. To this day I thank her for doing this because I never knew what a normal, happy family is like. I only knew hurt, fear and hate with mine. We’ve been friends for over 25 years and have seen each other through boyfriends, marriage and children. I thought that we’ll grow old together. My friend died after a lengthy battle with cancer. She was strong and fought to the end. I miss her so much. She’s the only one I’ve told everything to. I’m not someone that can open up to anyone but with her it was just so natural. Now that she’s gone I don’t have anyone to talk to. I do have friends who I will discuss normal things like our children to but topics on a deeper level, not yet! I am not looking to replace her, nor would I ever dream of it. She is irreplaceable. I am hurting very badly as it is like losing a family member I cared a lot for. I have also become fearful of losing my husband and child. What would I do then?

  128. Thank you for this article….I too lost my best friend and had a hard time with the loss. She battled cancer for about a year and passed on my birthday which is two days after Christmas. Watching her demise absolutely tore me apart, the look in her eyes still haunts me. I prayed so hard that she would make it through the holidays, I hated the thought of her family having her death on a holiday as their memory. So, in a way God answered my prayers. I can’t tell you how alone I felt after her death. It was like other friends were moving on and I couldn’t….I wasn’t ready to be happy yet if that makes sense. Even though it has been over a year, I still miss her terribly. My friends and I honor her through different cancer related activities and stay in touch with her sister and granddaughter which helps a lot. There is not a day that goes by that I don’t think about her and some of the fun times we had. I honestly feel like I lost a part of myself when I lost my best friend.

  129. I was ecstatic when I saw these post as well. So, Today is her Birthday and I feel lost. Our kids graduated from the same Pre-K school. Since then they have graduated from college. It’s hard and each day it is supposed to get easier. It hasn’t. At my age, true best friends only come once. I’m still trying to figure out my next move. Vacations, gatherings, birthday celebrations are not the same. I’m trying though. I miss her immensely. (BFF)

  130. Wow I can’t believe I have found other people who know what I’m going through. My best friend-soul sista passed away unexpectantly, just 2.5 months ago.. Just 2 wks before both our 30th bdays.. We’re both not married or have our own babies, we’ve lost the chance to ever share those things together like having our babies grow up together, or see each other get married ..f%*^! 🙁 how can she just die!? I don’t understand.. We will never get to grow old together, or talk again on the phone for hours like we’ve done since we were 13, nothing, that’s it.

    Its the most shittiest feeling ever when the reality of it hits you. My beautiful friend, I don’t ever want to try replace her (nobody could anyway), I just want her back, I want her to call me & I realise it’s all a dream.

    My emotions have been all over the place, at first it hit me hard, then a few weeks later I thought I was going through the grieving process quite well, I gone through the denial, sadness, shock, feeling greatfull and crazily happy for my great life i have and thankful for all the years and memories I’ve had with my beautiful friend but now going through a weird/ crazy stage where my mind isn’t clear and I don’t know what I want anymore or what I’m doing..
    I’m Lost.
    Sending love to everyone going through this. X

    • Hey Lizzy,

      Although people sometime like to try and sum up what we go through in grief into neat little stages, one should truly expect the unexpected. We actually wrote a post about how grief can literally make you feel crazy..

      I’m sorry about everything you’re going through 🙁 Hang in there.

      Eleanor

    • Wow LIZZY, I just posted about my best friend that suddenly died only weeks ago and you get what I’m saying, I don’t know what to do, I cannot move on, denial, it’s not true, but it is, this feeling I never felt even when grandparents or other family died, Robin and I were a team, without her I have nothing, I’m alone, there is no more team, I feel you lizzy that u understand how I feel, I just want her back, I cannot get over this, how are you doing? Cuz I’m at the point where if I knew I could be with her if I died, I would, but the problem is Noone knows that, and I’m NOT suicidal, so I don’t want people thinking I’m going to, although if I knew I’d be with her again I would, but again Noone can say that, so I’m alone, I’m lost, and there’s no cure and I’ll feel this way a year from now, this is REAL, unlike I think I never thought I’d be this way, I just don’t know what to do with myself cuz Robin was my life, now that shez gone, I feel like I have nothing and alone, there is no more team, Johnny &Robyn, now is no more, it’s just sad, pathetic crazy Johnny and I’m crushed.

      • Hi Johnny, sorry for the late response, I forgot to check the page for a few months. I’m so sorry for your loss & I hope you’re doing ok? Sounds like you really loved Robin a lot 🙂

        I’m glad you can resonate with my post, because not many people get the pain and sadness we feel, I’ve came to realise that I think it’s because not everyone gets the chance to find great people like we have and they’ve never shared such a deep connection with someone like we have, so until then, I don’t think anyone can ever truly understand. But, we can feel blessed to have someone so special in our lives for so long hey, it’s never long enough, but how lucky are we 🙂

        It’s now been 9 months since my best friend passed away (this whole year has been like a big blur),I’m doing ok thank you for asking, I appreciate it 🙂 but I’m finding that life has kind of gone back to normal, still I think of her everyday.. Still have conversations with her in my head (I can hear her voice still so clearly) I’m always talking out loud to her when I’m home alone just waiting for her to reply lol (I know, now I sound crazy haha), but who knows, maybe she will?! 🙂 some days my mind just gets stuck on her & I go through all the letters and photos and just cry, but other days I feel like what’s wrong with me, why aren’t I upset, i guess I feel bad as it feels like I’m moving on. But the pain is always there, I’m just learning to adjust to a new life without her here with me. Somedays I even forget for a moment & I think ‘oh I should call…’ Then I remember 🙁 One of the saddest things happened last month when I went to her brothers wedding overseas, she and I had been planning to go together for a few yrs, but I still wanted to go as I’m really close with her family (just like I’m another child of theirs). They spoke about her on the wedding night in the speeches and I just couldn’t stop myself crying, it was crazy.. Just broke my heart realising that she was meant to be right there with me, in real life, partying with me, except her photo was there on a card on top of everyone’s plate with the information for a charity which had been set up for her. Was so sad for me, but I was there with her whole family who know how deep our friendship was, was just a sad moment when reality hit me, and also knowing that was the last thing we have ever planned, that’s it. We had made no plans beyond the wedding, now it’s been & gone, & life is still moving along fast. So the only real thing I’ve gotten from all of this now is to just really live life now, to the full. I don’t want any regrets. I can live happily knowing that my beautiful best friend knew how much I loved her, not just from things I would say to her, but from my actions, I think that is the main reason why some days it feels ok. It’s a satisfying feeling knowing that she knew that I loved her & vice versa, she knew she had a good, real friend in me is satisfying. Sorry for my rambling on.. But I find it really therapeutic talking about her, so hopefully talking about Robin can help you aswel 🙂 I also remember those feelings like yours, just wanting to be with them. I thought well I’m going to die someday, so I don’t care now.. But also like you, I would never do anything like that. That’s just how much we miss them and would do anything to be with them, that would be just my luck, do something crazy and realise there is no ‘after life’ where we get to catch up with all our buddies who have passed away haha.

        Do you have many close friends/family you can talk to? I feel like talking about our them is so great, to share your stories. If not, come back here and chat with us 🙂 I really hope everything is ok, let us know you’re doing. 🙂

    • Lizzy:
      Help From ‘the God of Comfort’
      God knows what causes depression and how to help sufferers cope. He provides comfort in his Word The Bible And If You Don’t Have A Bible I’ll Have
      It Delivered Free Of Charge………

  131. I lost my best friend suddenly on Nov. 3 2015. Now what? Who do I call? Who do I talk to? Nobody else knows me like her. She was the best family I ever had, yes, that person.. Her daughter is my God daughter, her sisters are my friends, I have to stay strong. It hurts so bad and I feel lost. Tear drop.

    • My best friend Robin died literally suddenly out of nowhere, her and I kno everything and did everything together, I just cannot get over losing her, it’s not real, but it is real, I feel so alone, and I want to call her, I’m empty, there is nothing that can fill this void, this sounds bad but I don’t feel like I can move on from this, I can’t and I don’t know what to do, I just want her back, I experienced death w. Others but never like this, Noone gets it, I can’t move on, I’m stuck. I have another good friend but she has a husband and a 3 y.o. child so she has her own life, Robyn was my life, now she’s gone and I cannot accept it, this is the worst I have ever felt, if I did die would I be with her ??? I guess Noone knows that answer, I’m not suicidal but if I knew I could be with Robyn mabey i would, we were that close, honestly i dont know what to do with myself, I’m just existing, I don’t think anything can help, also I had no idea I’d be this way before she died, we were normal happy people, also she was one of the strongest people I knew and her death was sudden, spoke to her the night before, it hasn’t even been a month yet, people say it will get better, NO it wont, as long as she’s gone, the void ,the emptiness will be there, and I don’t know what to do……

      • I also lost my best friend 4 months back. You can never get over it. Just have to get on with continuing your life, be there for the ones that still need you. It’s not easy and you will think of your friend everyday.

    • Dana How Do We Know That God Wants to Comfort Us?

      “‘Comfort, comfort my people,’ says your God.”—Isaiah 40:1.

      “Happy are those who mourn, since they will be comforted.”—Matthew 5:4.

      “Throw all your anxiety on [God], because he cares for you.”—1 Peter 5:7.

  132. In October 2015 I lost my best friend one week after her 21st birthday. She was my biggest support, my sounding board for every hard question had or choice I had to make. I could tell her anything and be completely myself, I never had to hide any part of myself from her. She believe in my wholeheartedly and I loved her so much. She was so strong, funny, and outgoing. I miss how completely dorky and ridiculous we could be with each other. Tomorrow will be five months now that I’ve had to struggle to live without her. I hate who’ve I become without her. She always told me that I was the kindest person she’s ever known. But I feel the pain and heart ache have hardening my heart. I miss her everyday every moment some days I’m so lost and numb it’s hard to breath. I try so hard to be strong and on the outside it seem that I’m ok but I’m not.
    What people don’t understand about losing your best friend is that you lose apart of yourself when their gone.
    I hope one day it becomes barable but for now it’s unbearable pain.

    • Isabel I know exactly how you feel. My best friend died 12 and a half years ago when we were just kids. We were so close, we understood each other in ways no one else could I loved him more than anything. In the wake of his death my grief, anger, and lonliness took the sweet little girl he had known and loved and turned her (temporarily) into a fearful, anti-social little monster. Eventually though, I realized something. That wasn’t the life he’d have wanted me to have… so I let down my walls and tried to get my life back. I understand completely if you’re not yet at the point where you can do that but, I have to think that your friend would also want the best for you, and letting this change you probably isn’t it… keep that in mind.

    • A mother comforts her little boy
      Do you remember falling down when you were a young child? Perhaps you cut your hand or scraped your knee. Can you recall how your mother comforted you? Maybe she cleaned the wound and then put a bandage on it. You cried, but her soothing words and warm embrace soon made you feel better. At that time in your life, comfort was never far away.

      But life gets more complicated as we get older. The problems get bigger, and comfort becomes harder to find. Adult problems, sad to say, can rarely be solved with a bandage and a mother’s hug. Consider a few examples.

      Have you ever faced the trauma of losing your job? Julian says that when he got fired, the shock left him feeling distraught. ‘How will I care for my family?’ he wondered. ‘After I put in years of hard work, why does the company feel I am useless?’
      Perhaps you are devastated by the breakup of your marriage. “When my husband suddenly left me 18 months ago, I felt a sadness come over me. It was as if my heart had broken in two,” explains Raquel. “The pain was physical as well as emotional. It frightened me.”
      Maybe you have a serious health problem that shows little sign of improving. There may be times when you feel as did the patriarch Job, who lamented: “I loathe my life; I do not want to go on living.” (Job 7:16) Perhaps you share the feelings of Luis, a man in his 80’s, who confessed, “Sometimes I feel that I am just waiting to die.”
      Or possibly it is the death of a loved one that makes you yearn for comfort. “When my son died in a tragic plane accident, my first feeling was disbelief,” explains Robert. “Then came the pain, the pain that the Bible compares to having a long sword run through you.”—Luke 2:35.
      So remember Claire you can find comfort, even in those distressing circumstances. They found the best Person to provide it—none other than Almighty God. How does he provide comfort? Will he likewise provide the comfort you need?

  133. Thank you so much. I lost my oldest friend 8 months ago and I had no experience on grief and I needed information about my situation and (just like you said) there isn´t much info out there. This post helped me a lot, because I think I still haven´t figured out how to cope with my grief. I really think you should keep talking about loosing a friend, I´d suggest you did a post about how to deal with grief (for a friend) on special ocassion. My birthday is this week and I don´t really think I can fully enjoy it without him, he has been with me on my birthday for 18 years, mi entire life! I never thought I would be afraid of celebratin my birthday. And it may help others as well.

    • We must do something if we want comfort from God. How could a doctor help us if we never made an appointment to see him? The prophet Amos asks: “Will two walk together unless they have met by appointment?” (Amos 3:3, footnote) The Scriptures therefore urge us: “Draw close to God, and he will draw close to you.”—James 4:8.

  134. Lost my best friend at 9. He was my partner in crime, my strength, my solid ground, we’d always known that we weren’t like “other kids” we were both born with birth defects and had to fight to survive, because of that we understood each other on a level our own parents could not. We were the same, and in the years since he died I’ve been through hell trying to make sense of how such a sweet natured kid, one who never complained about the godawful hand he was dealt, could be struck down just when it was starting to seem like he might actually make it. Survivor’s guilt, emotional shut down, telling the Man Upstairs to “suck it”, crying myself to sleep, trying to picture what he’d be like today, been there, done all of that. I finally found meaning in trying to raise awareness and push for better care for future generations of kids like us, so future friends and siblings don’t have to suffer the way we did.

  135. I’ve now lost two best friends who I considered sisters. Tracie passed in 2006 when her husband murdered her then commuted suicide. Jeannette just passed last November when she shot herself in front of her fiance. He then took his life one month later.

    I can’t seem to get past this. I cry a lot and sadly, I’ve turned to drinking. I’m in therapy, I’m on medication for anxiety.

    I do function daily. I smile and laugh, I have a wonderful job and pay my bills. I take care of my children and live my life, but my heart hurts so much.

    When Tracie passed I started getting panic attacks and started therapy. When my daughter’s father passed in 2010 I tried to take my own life twice. I ended up in a mental hospital for a week and it helped me cope with everything.

    Now with Jeannette’s passing, I’ve been able to take everything I learned and use it to cope. Thankfully I do not have suicidal thoughts. I can not and will not cause this much pain to the people I love.

    I’m so sorry for everybody who’s lost their best friends, the people who they chose to be their brothers and sisters. Thank you for sharing your stories and I hope I can help at least one person with mine.

    One love… Sasha

    • Hi Sasha, thanks so much for your comments. I’ve nnever lost somebody close to me until last week. Her and I have been best of friends for over 20 years. I never thought it would be so hard but i am having the hardest time. I am 36 and we became friends when we were in 9th grade. Her family are amazing people and look at them as second parents. When we were younger when ever i would get in arguments with my parents I would call her and even though i would run away from home I would call her and she would pick me up somewhere. My parents would worry at first and be upset but it was a kid thing. I was wandering though because I was so close to her family and her family all ready told me that i would always be apart of there family, but aas wondering if when I go over there do you think it will be difficult to go over there which im going to because im so close to them and care for them but just want to be ready whats ahead. Thank you so much

  136. Thank you for this…I lost my mother in 2006 and my father in 2008 by the time i was 24 I had lost both my parents…I felt so alone, but my bestfriend was there to help me through it and in Feb 21st 2015 my bestfriend another friend and I were in a fatial car accident thay both didn’t make it, god only knows why I made it…I struggle everyday with the lost the pain and the nightmares I’m just glad to know that I’m not alone dealing with stuff like this..Thank you again for this…

    • My story is not the same. But I know there is a different pain in grief when guilt (of one kind or another) is involved. The person I go/went to has been gone for 10yrs. We became best friends at age 4. We were supposed to do everything together. She died without me. Not only did she die and I live but because of my denial I was not there the last days of her being awake, she died a week later. The pain today is greater than that when she died. I’m not trying to imply that you do or should feel guilt. I’m just seeking comfort. ” misery loves company “

  137. Thank you for this…I lost my mother in 2006 and my father in 2008 by the time i was 24 I had lost both my parents…I felt so alone, but my bestfriend was there to help me through it and in Feb west 2015 my bestfriend another friend and I were in a fatial car accident thay both didn’t make it, god only knows why I made it…I struggle everyday with the lost the pain and the nightmares in just glad to know that I’m not alone dealing with stuff like this..Thank you again for this…

  138. I was thinking the same, my husband was so many different things than just my husband…he was my best friend for thirty-two years, we did everything together. I never imagined my life without him…now I’m without him, his touch, his wisdom, his words, everything…I miss everything about him!

    • Dana R. I hear you. My husband also was my absolute best friend. We spent all our time together. We had dear friends, yes, but always at a distance. Someone called us “a unit”! It’s been just 10 weeks…This Spring without him… I hear you.

  139. I was very touched by this post. 13 years ago I lost my best friend to illness. For years I thought about a way to honor her. Last year I decided to look for other women who had experienced a similar loss of their female best friend and interview them to find out what their friendship was like and how they dealt with its loss. I now have over two dozen stories that will be launched shortly at a new website I’m creating called Friendship Dialogues (www.friendshipdialogues.com). I’ve already set up a Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/friendshipdialogues/?ref=hl) to get the conversation going. Please feel free to visit the Facebook page and learn more about Friendship Dialogues. When the website launches you’ll be able to read the stories I’ve collected and add your own story of love and loss. Friendship Dialogues will give women a place to both cherish and share their memories of their friendships with other women. I hope all women who have experienced this type of loss will find talking about their loss a comfort.

  140. Thank you thank you thank you for this. The end of next month will mark 2 years since I lost my best friend in the world, and your words are spot on. I’ve only found one or two people who really understand the depth of this loss, and others’ lack of understanding makes it that much more lonely. Especially when she was the one I had turned to for support for 17 years. I’m still stunned some days at how much it still hurts and how fresh the wound still is, even after almost two years. Thank you so much for reminding me I’m so very NOT alone in this.

  141. I lostmy very best friend in 1999. In the years since then, I have never found a way to describe our relationship or express my loss and the way you have in this piece…..AND I feel like I could have written this. I have written a lot of material that I’d like to make into a book, mostly because I wish I’d had a book when she died.
    Thank you for this.

  142. This article couldn’t be more perfect. My best friend died in 2012 and although I’ve gotten better, I still have bad ddaysthis article made me realize how lucky I am that I’ve had such an amazing support system. I’m still close with his mom and talk to her frequently, I even send her flowers on mother’s day as I feel he would do for my mom if things were reversed. I’m looking forward to your song list….a newer one I would suggest is You Should Be Here by Cole Swindell. It makes me sad some days, but in my opinion it’s healthy to cry when you need to. Cheers!

  143. My nomination for your 64 songs list is Jackson Browne’s “For A Dancer”. I found two versions on You Tube, recorded live, 20 years apart, both with David Lindley accompanying Jackson on the violin. I also found an interview in which Jackson said that the song had been written for a friend who died in a house fire. Listening to it always brings tears to my eyes.

    • Great article. Thank you for “just a dancer” this song did and will definitely help me as music is a great coping help for me as is just listening to nature and talking to those gone as I believe in the earlier biblical post. To my best pal. Jerry Garcia ” Sitting Here in Limbo”

  144. Great post as always. I look forward to the full playlist of songs about loss of a friend

  145. Thanks Litsa and Eleanor for this post…one of my very best friends died suddenly in September and now another incredible friend and confidante is dying from cancer. Thanks for acknowledging we can often be closer to our friends (“family of choice”) than our bio-family…keep up the amazing WYG work:)

  146. My best friend passed away to……. 6 awful months ago……. However she is also my daughter……my life…..?

  147. The best part of a best friend is that someone in this great big world actually tries to understand you.

  148. Lin…my heart goes out to you. I suggest you 2 read and working one of the cancer cures in the book: Cancer Free: Your Guide to Gentle, Non Toxic Healing (4th edition) by Bill Henderson, Carlos M Garcia, MD

  149. My Best Friend is is end stage lung cancer and it is ripping my heart out of my body! We are closer than spouses! we know each other inside out. I gave him my heart to protect and he gave is to me. I can not image another life without him. I don’t want another life. Just buy a double wide coffin and send me to heaven too. but no I am doomed to go in living …… I don’t want to get better. i don’t want other friends, I don’t want to go on with out him. I don’t want the pain to go away. I don’t want to recreate the life I have had for 25 years. It is the best life I could have imagined. Without him Nothing is worth doing, noting has meaning and I don’t care about anything. I want him to get well and he can’t. I don’t really want to go on living without hi,. i don’t want the best part of me to leave….. Losing my Best Friend is losing myself. he will take the best part of me with him.

  150. When I lost my best friend 8 years ago the thoughts that I travel quite a bit helped me release my grief altogether. Fortunately it came me that she’s on a long vacation and I will meet up with her once I get to heaven. I still miss her now & then but I don’t have the extended pain I might have had if I hadn’t thought of this idea.

    • Great idea. I am struggling with the loss of my best friend of 35 years. She died on September 6 and the waves of grief are real. Right now is pretty tough. Thank you for sharing!

  151. I have lost my Dad at 19, my first child at 29, my spouse at 53, and other close family in between. My bestie has been there since the loss of my first child and more recently my spouse. I can’t imagine losing her. I even had another BFF and it is a different relationship than my bestie. To those who have lost theirs (and I would include myself as my spouse was absolutely my BFF ever) hold on, you will find your new BFF! I’m including links to a a few of BFF songs that help!

    Forever Friends by Sandi Patti
    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=4nyWS5l3kb8

    Friends by Michael W Smith
    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=oOCJAVlESEo

    You’ve Got A Friend by James Taylor
    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=xEkIou3WFnM

    That’s What Friends Are For by Dionne Warwick, Elton John, Gladys Knight, Stevie Wonder
    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=HyTpu6BmE88

    All are good for grieving and remembering. However the first two seem to have the added element of loss while the last two are about friendship which takes me to remembering those friend.

  152. Thanks, Marty, for the link to Victoria’s blog. It was I who wrote Litsa. I just grew so weary of finding articles about what to do when your dog died while searching for online resources. Felt like it was just adding insult to injury.

    • I totally get what you’re going through, well sort of, as you’ve probably figured out each friendship is unique and so is the loss of it, however I know what it’s like to lose your best friend. Mine died when we were kids but it felt like we’d been friends forever because we went through a lot of the same stuff and I’d known him since before either of us could remember. My advice to you is to let yourself grieve, let yourself miss her. Don’t try to control the process and try not to let anyone else control it for you, I’ve learned that hard way that, that generally only leads to more pain

    • My best friend died 4 weeks ago from drug abuse. We didn’t have family around us and became a support to each other. I watched helplessly as she spiralled trying to control her life but getting addicted to anything she could get her hands on. Whenever he went out I would worry, deep down I knew she faced many dangers. It wasn’t easy being friends with a addict she stole, lied cried out constantly for attention, I could never walk away from her she was my sister, we knew how each of us ticked I don’t think there will ever be anyone like her again, I miss her so much, I feel like my depression has come back 10 times harder, she used to drag it out of me. I can’t cope without her I want to die

  153. Great article. Often when you lose a spouse you have also list your best friend and soul mate. Sort of like a triple hit. This really hit me hard especially being an empty nester on top if it.

    • ey best friend who had been at my house due to illness for the past 3 months went home about 2 weeks ago. I have been teaching Bible studies for more than 50 yrs. She was an anointed Bible teacher & singer. We have been best friends for more than 50 yrs. Both 71 now. She helped me thru the loss of family members & ups & downs of life. I have to praise God for the time we had together. Most folks don’t know that kind of heart to heart friendship. Her family has been more than gracious. I had her name on my house & belongings since I have no close family left & she left hers to me. I feel part of my heart has been ripped out plus eventually having to deal with stuff left behind. I can feel the prayers of Gods people. I know I am walking in a prepared pasture. When He puts forth his sheep He goes before them to prepare the way. I am weak right now & grieving but I know He will bring me through. I have known grief before but not deep grief l Iike this that almost paralyzes. Thanks be unto God who gives us the victory thru Jesus Christ our Lord. At the bottom is solid rock. He withholds no good thing to them that walk uprightly. Delight yourself in the Lord & He will give u the desires of your heart. Delight means to be pliable. Lord I submit to u & give u the pieces of my broken heart today. Pro. 31

    • Your spouse isnt your best friend. and even if she is this article is about only best friends not best friend/spouse. Stop trying to lump them together theres already enough articicles on how to deal with your spouse dying. please leave this article as a best friend article exclusively stop trying to hijack it as a spouse article

      • Wow. I know this is an older post but.. Wow, Mary. What a disgusting lack of empathy on your part. This is a place to talk about grief and the coping process. Who are you to say whether or not someone’s spouse is their best friend? Get over yourself, witch.

        • Brendon, thanks for your comment and understanding that how we define relationships is unique to each person. Someone can certainly fill multiple roles, a spouse or parent or sibling might also be a best friend. I am sorry we missed the comment you replied to when it was first posted, or I would have shared that sentiment then. Grief is a crazy emotional place and it can make the best of us frustrated about things, especially perceived lack of support for a specific type of loss. That doesn’t make it okay to make assumptions about the nature of other people’s relationships, or the goal of a specific article. As you say well, this is a place to talk about grief and coping and to (hopefully) all do it with respect. For us that means not criticizing others for how they read or find support in any article, and also not calling anyone names!

  154. Thanks, Marty!

  155. Victoria Noe is an author whose writing is focused on the loss of a friend. She blogs at victorianoe.com and has written an entire series of small books about Friend Grief.

  156. I want to thank you for this. My best friend died when I was 10 and I only started figuring out how to deal with that loss 8 years later. It’s still a struggle and I’ve also noticed a lack of resources. Luckily I was able to find a good support group but you’d think there’d be more info online.

    • I would like to thank you for this article. It has really helped me. I lost my close friend last month. She had brain tumours which moved throughout her body and in her blood. I am 13 and I have been her friend since early primary school years.
      If anyone knows any other support websites please let me know it would really help me. Thank you

      • My pain is greater than yours. I lost my best friend of thirty years to metastatic lung cancer two summers ago and I m still grieving. At hospice I sat with him, wiped him, fed him, cleaned him, prayed with him, begged God to heal him, etc. When he breathed his last a part of me died. There isn t a day I am pain-free from grief. I lost my interest in everything.

        • Dale, replying to a 13 year old girl and saying your grief is greater than hers is not only unbelievably hurtful, but is also something that you have no way of knowing. There is very little we don’t support people expressing here on our site, but comparing grief in hurtful and minimizing ways is something we have no tolerance for. Each persons’ grief is as unique as they are and as unique as their relationship was with the person who died. I have no doubt about the devastation of your loss, and I am so sorry for the incredible pain you are enduring every day. But that does not give you the right to minimize the pain of others, or assume you have insight into the nature of their loss. I truly hope you find some support here on our site or, if not here, on another online forum or with a counselor. But please know that we have no patience or tolerance here for hurting others while seeking your own healing. This is not a competition, it is a community.

        • Hi Dale – Im sure you meant no harm with the comment about your grief being more than others – you are drowning and when we are drowning we cannot see anything but the liquid we are drowning in. What a truly horrible time you had watching your friend leave you. SO you are suffering not only grief but trauma. Lean on any support you can and speak to a professional who can give you new strategies so you can gain your power back – gain your life back. Take care.

          • This is true…Everybody grieves in their own way and everybody’s grief is their and can’t compare with others…

    • One of the clearest teachings of God’s Word is that dead loved ones will return to life. Bible accounts of past resurrections guarantee that “all those in the memorial tombs will hear [Jesus’] voice and come out.” (John 5:28, 29)

      People alive at that time will find happiness as they meet those freed from death’s grip. On the other hand, we cannot even conceive of the happiness that the resurrected ones will feel.

      As the dead come forth, the earth will be filled with joy as never before. Billions of once dead humans will again take their place among the living. (Mark 5:39-42; Rev. 20:13) Meditating on this future miracle should comfort all who have lost dear ones in death.

      • Though I think many do find comfort in the thought of seeing their loved ones again, the pain of grief is very much about finding ways to cope with their absence. Spirituality can be a comfort, as you describe, but often doesn’t minimizing the deep yearning to have the person you love with you now, in this life.

    • I lost my best friend, Renee, of 34 years 10 years ago. She was just 44 when she past. She left a huge empty place in my heart. My other best friend, who was also Renee’s Aunt ( we were close in age and had our sons all within the same year), helped me through it. 7 years later, to the month, Michele, 50, got sick and died. We spent Thankgiving and Christmas together. My sons called them Aunts and their children called me Aunt. It’s been 3 years since Michele died and I still feel very lost. I realize I was very blessed to have them but I don’t like thinking of growing old without them. We knew each other’s secrets. We always loved spending time together. I’ve not laughed or enjoyed life as much as I did with them.

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