Ambiguous Grief: Grieving Someone Who Is Still Alive
/ Types of Grief and Loss : Litsa Williams
For further articles on these topics:
My guess is that when people read the title of this article they will react with either a, "what are they talking about? How can someone be grieving someone who is still alive and what the heck is ambiguous grief???" or a "holy crap, yes! I have felt exactly that way! Thank goodness WYG is finally covering this topic". This is one of those topics where if you have been there, you get it and if you haven't, you don't. Either way, hopefully you'll read on.
Before we dive in, if you clicked on this post because you feel like you are grieving someone with a terminal illness who has not yet died, there is another WYG article you should read before you read this article. Check out our article on Anticipatory Grief, which is about the grief that comes when we anticipate that we are going to lose someone.
In contrast to anticipatory grief, there are times in life when someone we love becomes someone we barely recognize. The person is still physically with us, but psychologically they are gone. There are a range of reasons this can happen. Some of the most common are things like addiction, dementia, traumatic brain injuries, and mental illness. If you have never lived through loving someone in such a situation, this can be hard to understand. The person you love is still there, sometimes they ‘look’ sick, sometimes they don’t. But regardless of how they look, they do things they would never have done, they say things they would never have said, treat you in ways they never would have treated you, and they are not there for you in ways they previously were. This is sometimes referred to as “ambiguous grief” or “ambiguous loss”.
This may sound very abstract, but when it occurs in your life it is very concrete and real. Your mom, who always loved and supported you, doesn’t recognize you, understand you or says hurtful things. You husband, who was always kind and considerate, is now lying and stealing to support an addiction. You son, who was brilliant and driven, is now struggling with delusions and hallucinations.
These things do not change our love for the person – we still love our mom with dementia, our husband with an opiate addiction, our son with schizophrenia. But this continued love doesn’t change how deeply we miss the person they used to be, the person we lost. We may not feel like we have the same relationship with that person – our marriage no longer feels like a marriage when one spouse can no longer remember the other. The parent-child relationship no longer feels the same when a parent has to stop protecting, trusting, or helping a child in the same way due to addiction. The child-parent relationship becomes confused when a child has to care for a parent. Though we still have a relationship with the person it has radically changed and we grieve the relationship we used to have.
Our ‘ambiguous grief’ feelings may be sadness and yearning, anger and guilt, or a range of other emotions. These emotions can become even more complicated than the grief that comes after a death when the behaviors and words of the ‘new’ person causes us to question our old memories. Or worse, they can start to consume our brains as those old memories begin to fade. Another complication of ambiguous grief is that many people don’t recognize it as grief. When those around us don’t acknowledge our grief, or make us feel that we have permission to grieve this sort of loss, that can make you feel lonely and isolated. It can be a hard type of grief to open up about because we know others may not acknowledge it.
As usual, the big question is so what?! So what that it is grief? So what do I do about it?
Ambiguous Grief Tips: what to do when you are grieving someone who is still alive:
- Remember that the present doesn’t override the past. This can be easier said than done, but it is important to remember that the person your loved one is now doesn’t change the person they were. Even if their words or behaviors now are difficult or hurtful, even if your relationship has changed and is not what it was, this doesn’t change the person they were and the relationship you had. Cherish those positive memories, write them down, create a scrapbook of old photos, whatever you can.
- Understand that the illness isn’t the person. This sounds obvious, but it can be really tough when someone you love seems like they should be the same wonderful person they always were, they’re not. Whether it is addiction, dementia, a brain injury, mental illness, or anything else, it is important to understand the illness. As much as we may still feel anger, frustration, or blame toward the person, understanding the illness can divert some of those feelings.
- Acknowledge the grief and pain of the loss. Though society may not always recognize this type of grief, it is important that you give yourself permission to grieve this loss. Acknowledge and express the pain of the loss, rather than trying to ignore or avoid the pain.
- Be open to a new type of relationship. When the person we love has changed, the relationship we have with them will inevitably change. This can feel like it is objectively and entirely a bad thing, but there is an opportunity for a new type of relationship. Will this new relationship always be easy? No. Hell no. In fact, many days it will be very very hard. But being open and seeking gratitude in your new relationship can be extremely helpful.
- Connect with others who can relate. When many won’t relate to ambiguous loss, finding a support group can be of help. There are support groups out there for caregivers of those with dementia, groups like Al-anon and Nar-anon for family members of those with addiction, and groups like NAMI who offer groups for family of those with mental illness.
Check out more on Ambiguous Loss by visiting the website of Pauline Boss, the woman who first labeled and researched this topic.
Have you dealt with ambiguous loss? Leave a comment to share your experience. Then subscribe to get all our posts right to your email.
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What’s Your Grief? Lists to Help you Through Any Loss is for people experiencing any type of loss. This book discusses some of the most common grief experiences and breaks down psychological concepts to help you understand your thoughts and emotions. It also shares useful coping tools, and helps the reader reflect on their unique relationship with grief and loss.
You can find What’s Your Grief? Lists to Help you Through Any Loss wherever you buy books:
Penny October 23, 2023 at 2:22 pm
What is it called when your son grows up and changes and becomes more like his wife’s side of the family and turns into someone you don’t know?
Eleanor Haley October 24, 2023 at 10:11 am
I think this might also be considered ambiguous loss, but a bit different than what is described here. Sometimes people experience ambiguous loss when someone they love has a very significant identity change. Examples of this might be if a person enters recovery after having a substance use disorder or becomes very devout in a religion that they previously hadn’t ascribed to. In doing so, their entire lifestyle, values, priorities, and perhaps even personality changes and those who knew them before the change may feel like they aren’t sure who they are or how to connect with them anymore.
E August 28, 2023 at 8:50 am
The love and the light of my life has been progressively feeling like a shell of himself.
Not only he has a crook of a “therapist” that made his condition worse than it was ever before, he also spends most of his time in some online spaces which only make him worse and make him even more distant from family and friends and me. Communication became almost impossible with him. I just want my love and my best friend back
Lyn March 8, 2023 at 3:52 pm
Hi, My elderly mum who is nearly 93, and was diagnosed with mixed dementia in mid 2020, has been in a very good care facility since Feb 2021. I had previously looked out for her for over 25 years, following the death of my dad. Lots of water under the bridge since diagnosis, plus falls, trips to the ED, a broken hip etc etc, and she keeps bouncing back again and again. I know I am ambiguously grieving, but as the major caregiver/support person/ advocate, along with my husband, the ongoing marathon is getting harder and harder to cope with. Have had some talk therapy, have supportive and empathetic friends, but I really just want it all to end. Do others feel the same?
Litsa March 8, 2023 at 6:03 pm
I am so sorry that you have been feeling so much loss and strain from caregiving. It can feel so overwhelming and tiring that it isn’t uncommon at all for people to just want the suffering to be over — that can mean the suffering of the person who is sick, your own suffering, and usually both! This means people will sometimes find themselves wishing for the person to die or for ending their own life, and can sometimes feel guilt for these thoughts. But of course if you could choose for how the suffering would end it would be for the person to recover and be healthy and independent again. But of course this isn’t something we get to choose, so it leaves us wishing for the end of the suffering in other ways. I know it has been a while since your initial comment, so I hope that you have found some support. Please know that you can always reach out to 988 if you are feeling in crisis and in need of support.
anne March 8, 2023 at 10:29 am
I have 3 daughters, the eldest decided out of the blue, last year that I was a toxic parent and decided that she no longer wanted anything to do with me, then my youngest started spending a lot of time with her and she too has said that she no longer wants contact with me. I honestly do not know what it is I have done to either of them, I have always been loving and caring and giving them whatever I could.
Both of them have decided that they no longer want contact with their sister, Father or Grandparents either.
I feel empty, like my life no longer has a purpose, I’m completely and utterly heartbroken.
My youngest daughter has since had a child of her own ,I have a grandchild I have never seen.
I think that if it wasn’t for my middle child and husband I would have taken my own life.
I have tried to contact them but neither of them has responded and I no longer know where they live.
I find that if I keep myself busy enough I can cope.
Terri February 24, 2023 at 9:05 pm
It’s my granddaughters 2nd birthday. Her brother is 3. I’ve never met either of them. Never invited to or included in anything about them. This fairly new level of grief is the one that hurts beyond words. I was so looking forward to being a grandmother, couldn’t wait and talked about it often until my daughter decided that she was done with me 8+ years ago. It was on the heels of my having to get a restraining order against her father, to whom I was married to for 26 yrs. A year prior to that, he’d left for a much younger ‘girl’ and instead of just breaking my heart, his abusive ways turned into a year if terror and violence. He wouldn’t stop. Finally six months after the divorce, he was still stalking, threatening to kill me and coming by my new home, I got the courage to get the order to keep him away. All that time, mind you, he was still with his new one. My daughter actually encouraged me, along with others to file for the restraining order. Two months later, my daughter ditched without warning. To this day, my daughter (the eldest), has never given me an explanation for throwing me out of her life in spite of all my pleas. I finally stopped looking for the explanation a few years ago. During those years, my own mother and sister turned their backs because I just needed to get over it! My son, and youngest daughter still lived with me. I did my best to give them a good life in spite of it all. My son has been estranged from them since. My youngest still had relationships with them and went to her father’s every other weekend until she was old enough to decide for herself. Then the news came that her sister was pregnant. I was happy for them and sent a congratulatory message and a reply saying that they were excited. That’s it. The day my grandson was born was a week before Thanksgiving that year. My youngest had an early dinner with them as always and came home for a later dinner with us. She proceeds to tell me that my mother, sister and nieces were at my ex’s house for dinner as well. The man who abused and threatened to kill me! A year later, my granddaughter came along. Same thing. I sent congratulations and got a thanks. Then the following Thanksgiving, my youngest now living out of state came to visit. After our later dinner she proceeded to show me pics of Dad, my Grandson…even a video of him. When I asked if she had a pic of my granddaughter she snapped at me and continued to attack me for sending a message to her sister on my grandson’s birthday telling her that I was heartbroken for never meeting him and that she is robbing them of a birthright that she always had and not fair. My youngest got so awful and downright threatening and mean, I would’ve sworn it was her father talking. A day later she turned her back and said she was done with me. Now, I’m grateful for my son, but I seriously cannot take anymore heartbreak! I’m not perfect by any stretch but I’m not the one that walked out on the family and spent the following year terrorizing the spouse that I cheated on. It was their father. Now he and his new wife are the ones enjoying my grandchildren and I’m as good as dead to them. How hateful can a person be to do this to their mother – not only turned on me, but keeping me out of my grandchildren’s lives and turning her sister against me? Apologies for the rant but sometimes I don’t know what to do with the never ending pain.
Kathy January 27, 2023 at 3:49 pm
Just discovered after a breakup of my brother and his wife, that my brother had planned to drug my sister in law and arranged for a stranger to come into their home to engage in sex. For almost 3.5 weeks my interaction with my brother has been based on the assumption that she was going to accuse him of rape etc. He has been lying to me and our mother stating that he didn’t do that along with other things I won’t mention. After theses long weeks of trying to support him, seeing text messages proving his guilt has left me gutted. How in the world do I deal with this? Not sure if she will report it or not but I’m just not sure how to come back out of this knowing what I know now. Sad thing is…my sister in law is actually thinking of going back to him. Either way, today has been awful. I have done nothing but cry off and on all day. I feel betrayed and I don’t think I can ever look him in the face again.
Malen nach Zahlen eigenes foto December 17, 2022 at 4:32 am
Or on the other hand in the event that the individual seriously loves everything Greek, you could give a book on folklore
Andrea Shaver December 15, 2022 at 5:20 pm
I am simultaneously grieving my ex who passed away a year ago, my child my mother refuses to let me see, and my mother who no matter what good I do- simply won’t look at me. I have reached my hand out to her for 35 years and she always responds with cruelty. When I was pregnant and 3 years before we were in a really good place. There was drinking and partying involved as we worked at the same place and she wanted to be with “the in crowd” like I was. Once I had my son she changed. It hurt so bad because even when I was young she was very vocal about her hatred for me and then we were close like I always wanted. I developed an opiod addiction after giving birth due to overprescribed pain killers and stress of single parenthood. She promised to help me get clean. I went into treatment with an understanding that she was caring for my son and supporting my betterment. She used the opportunity to get emergency custody and terminate my rights. I had no knowledge of this happening until I was out and clean. She won’t let me see him, she won’t let me see her. It’s constantly painful. People say time heals all wounds- what about the wounds that get deeper and more infected with time? Thr ones that get worse with time? How the hell am I supposed to keep going knowing no matter far I’ve come won’t ever be good enough? I volunteer, I opened a business, ive had my home for years, I’ve stayed out of trouble, and my son yearns for me and expressed as much many times over but she maintains “it’s not in his best interest ” and so I’m not to be around. The one who understood and was there for most of this.. from the moment I found out passed away last Christmas. Now it’s Christmas again and everything hurts.
Lyndsay December 13, 2022 at 12:25 am
4 1/2 years ago my father had a massive stroke that caused permanent brain damage, personality changes, balance, memory, everything…and he’s so tiny now. It’s hard for him to get words out and he gets angry when he can’t. He’s never been an angry person in his life. He’s depressed and sleeps all day. It was such a sudden change. He was healthy and had no risk factors. The dynamic changed instantly. He was always the calm stable one who took care of things. 4 1/2 years and it feels like unending grief. He was in the hospital for 4 months and has no memory of it, and still I think is confused as to why the rest of us get so emotional about the ups and downs of that experience. I’m actually glad now he has no memory of it though. He’s physically but not psychologically there and I know he’s miserable. I frequently have dreams that I have to rescue him from a fire and pick him up and carry him and he turns into a baby in my arms. I’ve gone through stages of hoping he will pass soon, then feeling guilty for wanting that. I just want for his suffering to end, and then I will feel like I can move onto the next stage of grief. I miss him so much. I remember the last day we spent together when he was still “Dad”. Now I sit in silence while he stares at the tv and struggles to communicate, and forgets he asked me the same question a minute earlier. Brain injury, brain damage and dementia are absolute hell. To see your father become a child overnight is like living a horror movie. My mom doesn’t know what to do with herself; after 54 years of marriage she says she feels lost as his caregiver; she’s gone from having a life partnwr to taking care of an infant. It’s made her really depressed and anxious too. Perhaps the worst part is there is nothing I can give him and my mom to look forward to – I’m struggling to come up with things in my own life, some nugget of good news I can give them, and feel guilty when I don’t. I wish I could get used to this. It’s been my life for 4+ years now. When I start thinking about it, it feels as devastating as the day it happened. He was such a great dad, and man. He doesn’t deserve to be in this state of purgatory. I want him to be free.
Lou November 13, 2022 at 6:28 pm
My mum left. She just left. To live in another country, while I still needed her. But she changed so much earlier. We used to play games, we used to watch stupid cooking shows together. She used to hug me often. When I got a bit older (13 or 14) she told me i should get a boyfriend to cuddle. I shouldn’t need her for hugs or love or affirmation. But I didn’t even have real friends at that time.. And then Covid happened. She became full on antivax. Paranoid.. She became right wing, agreed with her boyfriend on opionions that were ultimately against me, against my identity. And then she left, without even just saying goodbye. She moved to a different country, half a year later told me she wouldn’t be able to support me anymore financially (I study psychology at university now, its mandatory in our country to financially support your child). And not even 2 weeks later ecstatically told me about the house she had bought together with her boyfriend. Now we only talk once a month. I now I’m 21, i shouldn’t need her anymore, she didn’t want me to need her since i was 14, i know.. But it just hurts so so badly.
Angel November 1, 2022 at 8:33 pm
Today, 13 days after my uncles incident we have been informed that he will not make a full recovery from his brain injury. We just celebrated his 63rd bday full of life and 3 days later he was in an accident. His energy is that of a healthy outgoing live driven young man. And now he is still with us, but I will never see him the same way. I was worried from the beginning, I am accepting now.
Russell Harvey October 10, 2022 at 8:30 am
My son was struck down with meningococcal at 7 months old in 2005. In brief he died in my arms before being revived after 40 minutes of CPR.
As a result of his blood going septic due to the meningococcal he became severely brain damaged. This resulted in him being quadriplegic cerebral palsy. In roughly 6 hours we went from having a perfect 7 month old boy giggling with me in the morning to unanswerable question’s later that day; why, how, what?
I do not expect to “get over this” in fact I never want to “get over it” It lives with me, I deal with it every day.
On the 31st of Oct 2022 it will be the anniversary of our sons passing suddenly in Oct 2020.
I now battle with two levels of loss; the first loss was without grief, the second loss has exacerbated the first. I loved my son and cherish all the time / moments we had over his 15 years.
During those 15 years I have lost a mother to cancer, a brother to an unknown cardiac issue – in both instances I got to grieve- in the instance of our son I / we did not get to grieve. I can categorically say which version of grief is easier to handle
Ambiguous loss is confusing and unfair.
MT September 20, 2022 at 8:09 pm
Grieving the third loss of my first love – a man I love to this day – even though it’s been almost 30 years since we fell for each other. He came into my life, then left (I had an opportunity to follow him but chose not to); he came back into my life after I remarried – my abusive new husband ran him off; last year after 24 years of no contact, he came back a second time, in the wake of his divorce – I’m happily married – had been for 15 years at that time. He and I talked off and on for over a year – I know now it was an emotional affair – but after just a few months he began distancing himself, and I wouldn’t see the writing on the wall. Met up with him and spent a week with him and his mom – I’ve always loved her like my own mom, who I don’t have a relationship with – it was all appropriate – there was no cheating. But he and I finally went no contact a couple of months ago – he told me he didn’t want to be a distraction in my life, and wanted me to enjoy my life – seems selfless, but I also know it was hard for him to be in communication with me when we can’t be together. We do have a pact – we did agree that if we are ever both single at the same time, we will be together. Now I see he’s in a new, happy, healthy relationship. I hoped he would be, but somehow I’m still unprepared. I wasn’t prepared for his mom to break communication with me, but she has done so too. For someone with abandonment issues, this part is very difficult – but now I wonder if she wasn’t just hoping I would come back to her son – knowing I can’t and won’t – and so she can’t and won’t stay in touch now. I’m grieving our relationship/friendship and the loss of chance that we can ever be together or know each other again, and I’m taking it hard.
Sarenna August 30, 2022 at 4:18 am
I am still unsure if this fits me. My eldest grandchild and granddaughter is still living, she will be 5 in October. Shes my daughters child. My daughter lived with me the majority of her pregnancy, I was in the delivery room and they lived with me after my granddaughter was born. The other grandmother has custody now and my daughter has been diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder and I was diagnosed with Complex PTSD IN FEB of 2021. My daughter and I are estranged going on 3 months now and I haven’t been allowed to see my granddaughter since January of 21. I am grieving my girls , I miss them terribly. I cry every day. Is this ambiguous grief?
Litsa September 12, 2022 at 3:06 pm
Yes, any time you are separated from someone you love who is still living it is considered ambiguous grief. I am so sorry you are coping with these complex losses.
Ashley August 3, 2022 at 2:32 pm
My husband has been battling addiction for 3 years now. The person I fell in love with is no longer there. It so bad now I can’t do anything to help. Last week he robbed a drug dealer. They beat the crap out of him, put a knife to his throat and said they would kill him. They came to our house while me and our son was camping with my mom. The only reason they didn’t rob us was they saw a child lived there. So they decided to hold him hostage. My sister use to be best friends with the girlfriend of the dug dealer. When my sister found of she talked them into releasing him. For that I will forever be grateful. He can’t ever come back. They said they would kill him if they see him. I’m beyond broken. He is the love of my life. I will always love him. He gave me the best 4 years of my life. Even though the last 3 years of 7 were hell I will never regret meeting him. He gave me the most wonderful son. A reason to get out of bed in the morning. I would of been gone by now if I didn’t have my son.
Teresa September 22, 2022 at 10:41 pm
Ashley, I feel your pain I’m in basically same situation except we’ve been married 25yrs and he is so delusional he thinks I’m a prostitute. It’s been 2yrs of this because he started drugs but I don’t have concrete evidence and the last 4 months we’ve been separated and getting divorced after he was jailed in May for attacking me in front of my 22yo daughter who called police. Since then even with restraining order he is terrorizing me with the most horrible words and dirtiest sickest wildest accusations. I have to mourn the marriage I thought would never end. I only go on because my 3 kids have begged me not to harm myself in the wake of this torture.
sagame66 August 3, 2022 at 10:25 am
thankyou the information is very helpful. jasa
Katie July 26, 2022 at 9:47 pm
Despite everything I still mourn the ghost of a person who probably never existed. I’ve had a lot of time to reflect, change direction in life, work in issues my exs cruelty triggered. It’s been too hard to function she left me and acted like I was her abuser and never mattered. It put me into some catatonic panic state I can barely describe. The losses keep coming but I’m feeling more whole as a person. I maybe a broken person but I can heal, she is just evil.
Why your life and happiness and freedom to flirt and isolate your issues so you can make up whatever is more important than my life is beyond me. I never abused you, I never would have, you didn’t need to plan anything you just needed to to talk me like you always promised you would, I loved you completely… and all your promises from day 1 were just a cruel lie and a way to break me to boost yourself up.. it’s sick and the fact that you don’t see how much you pushed me away is sicker . You are borderline and a victimized narcissistic or you at least follow their play books… all your psychology was self servicing nonsense and you know it, you pick and choose and then you have the nerve to abuse the law, womens groups, the courts, you are a spineless cruel child, how you could do that to even a strange let alone someone you claimed was your everything, every day in every way.. with every promise, card, note all your fake bs,,,why?!? I had real trauma too and you exploited it while I taught you to be an adult?!? You can’t use people in such sick ways then try to destroy them…. You cost me my career, my sanity, my pride, my trust in humanity, you lied so much looking back now it’s unreal… I do believe the worst and it’s sick.. you’re sick.. and I don’t know how you live with yourself honey bear
StunnedNumb July 20, 2022 at 5:11 pm
My husband and I helped someone (we met while traveling ) attain asylum. The process went smooth and fast. We opened our home, and provided the support. We treated this person like family. So many new experiences for this person all at once. Then, the person told us it was time to move on. It was out of no where. Of course, we worry; because moving 3,000 plus miles away with limited funds coupled with limited understanding of how it truly works here, makes it that much harder to help. I left a note in the suitcase, and the party stated it was heartfelt when read. Friends say it is similar to a parent growing pains. I just wish we knew why move 3,000 plus miles away when what we were told is not unfolding as shared. We talked once since the move, and have very limited response too texts. There is much more to this person, and I just wish there was a counselor I could speak with. Your article is straight on topic. Thank you.
Hanna June 26, 2022 at 11:26 pm
When I was a little girl, I mother who i loved and always worried about, she had a hard childhood herself. A mother who choose men over her . She got addicted to drugs, me and my siblings went to foster care. At first I missed my mom, i loved her but after she missed visitations, went to jail, i grew resentful at the age of 12, that she choose this life over her own kids, that she wouldn’t better herself for us, I was even told by family members that she wasn’t worth talking too, but my childhood memories of her she never yelled at us, she never hit us. She was a mom. Now that i am 26 i can understand how a traumatic childhood and having no support system can get you caught up with the wrong people and making the wrong decisions. She is still alive, homeless today. I bring her food and she is still kinda but has an addiction. I have mourned the loss of the person she was and the mother that i was never able to have, it never affected me until I was in my 20s and realized I only had myself to rely on no advice from mom, not help with my children or the love they are supposed to experience from a grandmother. The mother daughter relationship. It upsets me that she was never able to get the help that she needed as a child.
Ryan June 19, 2022 at 2:19 am
I am so thankful to have found this. I don’t expect it to help healing, but at least what I’m suffering from is explained in someone else’s words and I don’t feel so isolated. A Dr prescribed my wife meds that I later found out are not supposed to be mixed and cause psychosis. Some of the details are too graphic to post but I lived 7 month hell like no other. I lost count of my wife’s suicide attempts. IDK how many times I was sure I lost her to find out she was still alive. I cut her down from a noose in my garage already limp & resuscitated her. Multiple more I can’t post. While running my business I had to focus on every word from her, twice rushed home at 120 mph to find her in the process. Once I figured out why this was happening & the triggers, I made the painful choice to move out to live in at office for 9 months. Post psychosis, saw a start of memory loss which gets worse daily to the pt she’s forgotten why we were best friends and denies most all of our past including my 7 month war for her life ever happened. I pressured her so much remember that she resents me now. After months of crying day and night from guilt & extreme empathy, i’m alone, lost, have severe depression disorder, have tried taking my life twice. I haven’t left my home in 3 months & talk to no one. My time is running out but this article was a pleasant find, wish I would have found it sooner.
Isabelle Siegel July 26, 2022 at 6:16 pm
Ryan, I am so sorry to hear that you’re experiencing such hopelessness. Please know that, no matter what, you are not alone. If you are thinking of hurting yourself, or even if you just need someone to talk with, please call the National Suicide Helpline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit their website where you can do a live online chat https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Mary Clark April 12, 2022 at 10:06 pm
My husband developed severe hearing loss late in life. This has changed our relationship drastically because our communication is very limited. He refused to learn ASL or lip reading and puts the burden of being heard on the speaker. He sits mutely while conversation is going on around him. I sympathize with him but I am also very angry that he is passive and withdrawn. He has become very dependent and I feel responsibilty for everything. He uses me as a translator for conversations with health care providers and servers even though he can’ t hear me either. Ambiguous grief over losing the person and partner he was sounds like how I feel.
Kate April 7, 2022 at 9:40 am
I’m grieving my son. He’s on the spectrum so he has difficulties with relationships and understanding certain situations. I saw him in July for the first time in 2 years (Covid, of course) and celebrated him earning his MS in mathematics. We had a great visit. In September he told me he got
His first job. I was so happy and proud and then I did something he seems to see as unforgivable: I posted a picture of him with me at graduation and said how proud I was. The next time he spoke with me was for about 2 minutes of yelling about how I should not have done that. I took down the post and have apologized repeatedly. In 7 months I’ve spoken to him 3-4 times for mere seconds. He sounds irritated and has said he may not want me in his life. I reach out every week
With a hope you are well text. I’ve received one response on January 2 when he told me to feel better (I’d tested positive for Covid). Other than that nothing. He’s always been different. When he was little and up to 13-14 he would sit close to me and sometimes hold my hand. He’s not a big talker usually, but during lockdown he would initiate hours long FaceTime talks. Now this. I am having a hard time processing this situation and this grief. In February I considered taking my life. It’s better now, but not by much. I just need help.💔🥲😔
june May 12, 2022 at 4:18 am
you are not alone I live with this type of thing everyday. It is nothing you have done it is the way the brain works. I t is so unpredictable, do not blame yourself it is very hard and not manageable by normal conventional thinking or actions. Please do not blame yourself it is so difficult at times.
LeAnn May 18, 2022 at 9:43 am
I’m so sorry. Nothing anyone can say to you will fill that void. My daughter and I were inseparable for the first 20 years and 10 months of her life. One day we had an argument right before she went off to finish her third year of college. I told her I will no longer let her treat me poorly. She started acting angry at me at Christmas and it got worse. After that fight, end of January, she blocked me from all social media, email, texts and voice mail. She block my son( who has Asperger) out and barely speaks to my mom. I have no way of reaching her. Even went to her college and she refused to talk to me. So I understand completely. How do you process such pain. I don’t really know. I take it a day at a time. I don’t cry every day like I did the first 3 months. I missed her 21st birthday and Mother’s Day. I have thought about ending my pain as well. However my heart knows that I am loved by other people and I focus on them. Doesn’t fill the whole but it helps. I thank God everyday that He is changing her heart. One day I pray you will be unite with your son. Until then, know your are not alone, you are important and you will rise above the grief and feel small amounts of joy in every day!💜
Jessica Townley May 24, 2022 at 8:58 pm
Dear Friend,
I am so sorry to hear about what’s happened with your Daughter. My heart goes out to you and I really appreciate your kind words that came at just the right time!
I hope you’re Daughter grows out of it and there’s a very good chance she will!
Thanks,
Jessica
Linda April 3, 2022 at 4:58 pm
My 24 yr old daughter was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder in 2019. She had always lived with me, and her father was sporadically part of her life through the years. She was an easy child and had good grades in school. I lost my 17 yr old son in 2010 in a car collision. The summer before my daughter started high school. It’s been a hard grieving process, one I don’t think my daughter has fully gone through yet. We moved a few times until about 6 years ago. I thought we’d finally found a place to start a new chapter in our lives. She’d finish school, find a job, make new friends, and maybe meet a special someone. It was a long road, but she graduated high school and decided to enrol in an accounting program. She also got a job. I was happy, she was doing so good. And then in 2019, I witnessed her first manic episode. I was convinced she was on strong drugs. She wasn’t the person I’d known all her life. It was like she had a second personality. But 3 years and 3 manic episodes later, I’m at a loss as to what to do to help her. She doesn’t believe she’s bipolar, and won’t take the medication. I have helped her get out of trouble numerous times, but my energy is at an all time low. I feel like there’s nothing I can do to help her. All I can do is be here for her when she comes back down from her mania. I’m 55 and not in the greatest of shape, so it takes a lot out of me. What you are describing is exactly what I’m going through, grieving my living daughter.
Jenny April 1, 2022 at 12:19 pm
This reply is for L, I understand so much of where you are coming from. I have gone through emotional distancing, rejection and disownment in my family. I used to part of a larger family and now am alone, aside from my son. I will never understand why people have children if they can be so quick to reject or write them off if they decide they no longer want them in their lives. I have been accused of things inhumanly possible, told repeatedly that I was worthless and hated, and even when my sister died, my own mother told me that she wished it had been me. I have discovered life isn’t fair, am afraid to trust most people and live very secluded because of all that I have endured in my life. Am here to listen and be supportive Without Judgement , and with compassion if I can help. Life gets lonely when you feel all alone. Be kind to yourself. Take one day at a time. Sometimes is all we can do. Don’t let their words and actions destroy you. You deserve better than that. Hang in there.
Claire Lee March 31, 2022 at 1:18 pm
I have been abandoned by my family. My closest people. I am beyond grief. How do you mourn for those still alive but gone from your life. The pain is unbearable. I am hospitalized with suicidal thoughts and deep depression. Can anyone recommend a support group? I can’t seem to find anything out there.
I am utterly alone. I am
Walking grief.
Litsa June 5, 2022 at 3:17 pm
I am so sorry for what you’re coping with and I hope the hospital has provided you some support and resources. This website might be a good place to located a group: https://www.standalone.org.uk/
L March 2, 2022 at 10:01 pm
What do you do when you feel like you’re the grieving loss? I’m an adult man who has suffered many traumatic events since childhood. My own mother and family have betrayed me like no other. I asked my mother why she betrayed me and she seems to not care nor ever apologized until I mentioned it to her. She constantly lies and omits information from me. I admit, I’ve had previous issues but she doesn’t seem to care or even help. On the contrary, she makes things worse by making me feel like I’m crazy. I have no hope and can no longer trust anyone. I never knew of a mother who would betray her son. I’m not sure what to do as she continues to lie and omit things from me. It’s like she wants me to die and sometimes I do feel like that is my only choice. I have no friends, the rest of my family also lies and they continue to snoop in my life… I’m tired of everyone around me snooping in my life! Why can’t they leave me alone for good?!?!
Litsa March 16, 2022 at 3:10 pm
L, I am so sorry for the conflict with you are family. It sounds like if they are not distancing themselves from you in the way you would hope, you would need to set some boundaries and hold them in a way that allows you to feel safe and well. Please know that there is always support out there. You can contact the National Suicide Hotline here – 800-273-8255 or by online chat here – https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Jessica February 21, 2022 at 10:09 pm
My Son I placed for adoption as a teenager found me in January of 2020 and I haven’t heard from him after getting close fast since 10/5/21. I’m numb with all of the pain at the moment; pain of learning more about what was lost and losing him again.
Also, my nineteen year old Daughter has been alienated (taught to hate me/herself/abused) from me by her Father. I haven’t gotten to see her since she left Christmas Eve dinner due to the influence coming in via text that I saw when she was showing me a picture on her phone. My heart bleeds for my baby, as this has been an ongoing battle of heartbreak and more, but it’s just awful right now…
Andreas February 14, 2022 at 2:47 pm
I’m grieving a person that never has existed, my love of my life is a real narcissist, maybe even a dark triad. This is so much harder. I am in love with a fiction who never has existed. I loved so much at that time and believed with all I had that this person is real, real to me, it never was, it’s eating me inside out. I loved this fiction with all I had, I feel like a fool. My mind know it’s not real, but my heart wish it would have been real. I don’t want to have it true. Well, I could experience real deep love, I know I can love and I can love so much again, perhaps even more, and maybe I even met a even greater love. I haven’t given up hope.
Amy March 3, 2022 at 10:15 pm
I can sympathise. I felt similarly, my spouse of 20 years was formerly diagnosed last year. The revelations of what went on behind the scenes during those 20 years was so unbelivable until the I only thought thembto be the stuff of television melodramas. The grief was/is profound. To discover one has been so in love with a fantasy, is so painful it’s paralysing. I am moving on, and time really does heal, but sometimes memories can hurt, a lot still.
Hang in there, don’t give in to dispair, and let time do what it does best, heal, rebuild, strengthen, teach, reinvent a happier stronger you.
Kris February 3, 2022 at 9:15 pm
Feel like I’m grieving my main family! (2/sisters, Son, nephew &niece) Worst feeling ever, miss the kids the most, they are my everything.
Beth February 1, 2022 at 2:36 pm
I have lost contact with my son, daughter-in-law, and two precious grandchildren, after standing up to my son over emotional abuse and intimidation of me, his mother-in-law, and other family members. So I see pictures but I have no other contact at all. Other family members say, “just move on.” Yeah…I am questioning every choice I ever made, and I am not sure how to ever resolve this. Yes, I most certainly “get it” about ambiguous grief. Thanks for giving me a place to comment about it.
Chris Perry January 24, 2022 at 6:02 pm
I lost my spouse 3 yrs ago this month to a stroke. He’s right side impaired, has aphasia/apraxia (communication disorder that’s extremely difficult to live with). I haven’t had a conversation with him in since Jan 14 2019. He was very articulate and loved talking to everyone. I’m lucky he’s still kind and appreciative. I miss him terribly. I ache to have him back. It’s a near impossible existence. We we’re just getting ready to retire whi
Sarah July 9, 2022 at 8:58 am
I feel your pain. 4 and a half years ago my 22 year old daughter (only child) had a similar severe stroke. I miss my girl…she was articulate, passionate, driven. She was 4 months from graduating college (SCAD) as a video game animator. Lost use of her drawing arm. She is learning to do things left handed, including drawing. But it can never be the same. She lives across the country with her father. We divorced after She had the stroke and returned to live with us to recover. Her father doesn’t push her to LIVE again. She stays home and avoids people but is finally getting interested in a few new crafts. I miss talking with her…global Aphasia. She can speak and walk and take care of her personal hygiene. So I know I should be grateful. And I am. It’s just I miss my girl from before her stroke. I still dream of everything she had planned to do in her life. Now I feel she is just a shell of who she was. It is so hard to let the old her go.
john January 11, 2022 at 5:53 am
thanks for the information
Gina December 14, 2021 at 12:22 am
My husband whom I love very much has suffered brain injury. I really miss how he was. Right now, it’s like I’m always fearful of any health scare. He is minimally conscious. I miss his laughs, his words of wisdom. Before this, we were best friends, seldom had quarrels and were always in sync in our thoughts and decisions. Sometimes, I wish I was the one in his place of suffering. I cannot understand why we’re in this situation. I so desperately want to get out and bring back time. I really miss his hugs, his idiosyncrasies, all of him. He is here but I don’t know why I’m grieving. I just hope and pray for better days.
Alex January 8, 2022 at 12:23 am
I cannot say that I’m glad I found others going through the same thing because it is the most horrible thing I have ever faced in my life. The love of my life after 20 years and two children turned into a different person overnight. She has not cared to see me or our children in over a year. No emotions. Feels like I’m in a twilight zone episode for the past year. Very difficult.
Kim January 27, 2022 at 2:55 am
Omg my wife as well!!! I’m suffering.. it’s awful. I’m so sorry.
Shilo December 13, 2021 at 2:16 pm
Engulfed in raw emotion by these posts, I wonder..can you experience ambiguous grief for yourself? While your people are grieving losing the you they knew, you also are grieving losing the you that you use to be?
Litsa December 13, 2021 at 4:06 pm
Absolutely – we have a post you may find helpful about that here: https://whatsyourgrief.com/grieving-who-i-used-to-be/
JKL November 4, 2021 at 12:26 pm
I walk through the house. Remove his photos. Hide the baby things, saved for 48 years. Fondly touching them. Remembering who he was, when. Disappearing into PTSD at hands of university roommate putting gun to his head. Trigger pulled. Falls to floor, life passes before him. Realizing the gun didn’t fire, hurting, no help, he descends into alcoholism. He changes. Decades pass. Daily web searches trying to discover where he lives, what he does. We grieve. We call it by name. Grief! Reading, therapy. Nothing helps. No one gets it. We do. Our son is dead. Physically alive. Somewhere. Not with us when his father’s major organs fail while in a foreign country. I am alone for all the things we thought we had a family for. A brilliant scientist, he hits bottom. Homeless in Asia, he finally writes. We invite him home. He arrives. Drinks. Gets drunk. Doesn’t communicate. We can’t take it. Give him $2500 so he can leave for a friends house 6 hours away. Six days after he arrives. He is unrecognizable. He returns to Singapore, to a woman he met on Tinder. We try to help. Daily video chats. Gifts of money. Paying for the storage and moving his worldly possessions across the Pacific. Alcohol is taking its toll. In pain, needing surgery, no money. The man we see on the cell phone screen appears to be an imposter. No one we know. We decide last night, no more gifts of money. In our mid-80s, during COVID, not seeing any friends for 22 months, we are alone. I have been asked to write about my grieving. Recently. Turned the project down. Watching my son die, on the other side of the earth is more than we can endure. No one understands. No one gets our grieving. Praying. I find this site this morning. As I go about removing everything reminding us of our son, things lovingly saved, it is comforting to know there are others like us who are grieving the loss of a child, still alive. Thank you.
Gia January 23, 2022 at 1:51 am
Dear JKL,
You are not alone. I, too, have a ghost child. No longer a child either. But long gone, to the nether world of addiction. Your writing echoes all the pain and sadness, so exquisitely expressed. I understand. Thank you for having the courage to write this and to stand with your grief which is braver than guilt or shame. My hand in yours.
mrnpearsall February 15, 2022 at 10:52 am
I feel your pain JKL as I too am grieving my precious son who suffers with mental illness and addiction. I am left every day to wonder where he is, is he safe, is he dead or alive, has someone attacked him (again)? this is my life! He has been living on the streets for the past 3 years but the mental illness began much earlier on in his life and has become progressively worse due to his never receiving any treatment…he doesn’t want it! My hands are tied so I remain overwhelmed, stressed to the max and some days (most) days I barely function myself…”GRIEF” has overcome me! My son is a 46 year old man but in my mind and eyes he is and remains my child who is terribly tormented and LOST!!! I miss him, the wonderful, loving attentive person he once was, so creative and smart…so much God given talent, gone, such a tragic loss. He has been drawn into the “abyss”…never to return from that horrifying dark place that has become his…. “home”!!! 🙁 I want him back…I LOVE YOU SON!! <3 <3
Susan Davis March 29, 2022 at 10:55 pm
I’ve lost my son too. He was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder and drug addiction over 30 years ago when he was 21. When he took his medication and didn’t take street drugs he was his old funny, charming and brilliant self; every time he relapsed it was like a death. Now, he’s 52 years old and has been living on the street for the last three years, doesn’t want to see me or speak to me. I feel like I’m mourning his death every day. No one understands the pain of this. I’ve looked for this subject online before and I’m so grateful to have found this. I feel so badly for others who are going through this.
Doug White October 16, 2021 at 8:00 am
I can relate with everything said in the article, and I am trying to grieve my wife through a very nasty divorce initiated by her. I have slowly watched the woman I love so much and trusted more than anyone become someone who is nothing but hate, resentment, anger and she has completely become a woman who is very sick. And to make matters so much worse is that she is so filled with these resentments towards me and started verbally abusing, gaslighting and so many others things to accomplish isolating me from everyone else, while at the same time telling others we know that I was something that I am not. Basically she has spent over a hundred thousand dollars to make me someone she had to divorce and also alienate our children from me and to this very moment I still do not know the reason why. Still not knowing doesn’t help when this woman who was so sweet and supportive and truly loved me so much that is was commented on daily by others, decides to carry this plan out in I learn her plan possibly includes my death and she is not only ok with that, she genuinely wants it to happen and feels everything would be so much easier if so. How do I accept my wife who I have given true selfless love too is wanting me to die to cover up sin she decided to indulge in? An affair and other behaviors that she believes are worth my life and our children losing a father? I will never understand any of it and all I can do is try to grieve her loss and pray that our children are protected from the behaviors. It is sin taking over and making someone I loved with a love that I prayed for sincerely for years and something very special. Yet anyone close to her believes some narrative where I am basically the person she has been to me for several years. So I not only face the consequnces of all the lies and what comes from having endlees moneyuy to spend again for a reason I cannot understand but that is the ugliness of sin in full force. And the one person who know her and cares for her more than anyone, is put on an island and is hated by not only her but everyone else she has told Ludacris lies about me too and I will just continue to pray for truth and light to expose sin. And hope that others who supposedly care for her can see some of the sickness in her actions. Such as not allowing me to see my children under any circumstances
ruby October 9, 2021 at 6:27 pm
I have been dealing with this grief since I was 9 years old. I’ve never once considered it grief, nor talked it about it in detail with anybody. I’ve always felt guilty, selfish, and like a horrible child. My family has a genetic predilection of mental illness after trauma. After an extremely rough break up, resulting in the loss of all seven of her step children, my mother went into a dark depression. I saw her drunk for the first time, kiss a stranger in a car, smoke cigarettes. My brother’s and I (her blood children) lived with my dad for a summer while she sorted her housing out. She found an apartment and a boyfriend. Things were rough, but she got sober and got a job; it was looking up. Then her physical disability started….She became distant and exhausted. I would sleep in her bed till her boyfriend came home from third shift every night, because that was the only time we spent together. Movies and sleep and maybe crosswords. When she was awake, she loved me, but she was harsher. She once told me she never wanted to see my face again while I cried….She loves me, she tries her best to bond, but she isn’t the mom I knew. I blame myself everyday for being an awful daughter. I moved in with my dad at 18, moved countries at 20. I’m 22 now and still feel awful for abandoning her. I just want my momma back; spending time with the “new mom” always leaves me in tears, because she isn’t the same. A shell of my mother….
Diana January 18, 2022 at 6:09 pm
Dear Ruby, you really are a strong lady for going through it all at such a young age and I hope you won’t doubt that. I am well past my 20s and still struggle with feelings of guilt and shame festering whenever I’m thinking of what ould I have done different or better. So I won’t tell you is wrong to feel what you feel since feelings are what makes us humans. But guess what, in this scenario, we aren’t the parents, so don’t get the roles backwards. You did not “abandon” her, you just had to remove yourself from a toxic environment since you had to rely on yourself (and thankfully your dad) to perserve your emotional/mental wellbeing. One might say that’s what’s called taking good care of yourself, and any good parent will encourage that. Ultimately a good parent would want the best for YOU. And you own none of which should be given uncoditionally, back. For one emotionally immature/unavailable parents shouldn’t be allowed to linger around for too long, especially when all they can bring to the table is more damage than good. If they are struggling to get their s**t together either they get help and put themselves back on track or they can learn to live with the consequences that their own decisions originate. This is what adults life is all about and sometimes trying your best it simply isn’t enough. Words are overated, love should filter through ones actions.
That being said I would like to congratulate you on doing great. And I know life isn’t always a bed of roses but we can choose the lesser thorns to lay on. I know you will become a brilliant individual from here on, good luck on your path of healing and self discovery!
Nancy October 1, 2021 at 10:57 am
12 months ago
I lost my 40 year old son to a fentanyl overdose and my husband and I found him in his studio apt the next morning. He fought a 20 plus year long heroin and other drugs addiction anxiety and depression and though we did everything in our power to help and support him it wasn’t enough. 20 rehabs, countless therapists detox’s hospitalizations moving him. Bringing him home just non stop trying but he was never able to stay clean more than a few months. The pain is unbearable and I live in a state of numbness. My 44 year old son relapsed on alcohol about 10 years ago, and his life imploded. He has lost his son and become extremely hostile and narcissistic. The last time I spoke to him in March 2020 he shifted in mid conversation to making horrible and completely untrue accusations and statements and then threatened me. This came out of nowhere! I was in shock and I did not respond – finally I hung up. and I have not seen or heard from him since March 2020 though he lives nearby. When his brother died in September we left messages and made certain he knew. He never contacted us and did not come to the memorial. He has since texted me cruel and frightening messages too disturbing to repeat. My heart is broken in many shattered pieces. I don’t know if it’s the alcohol and possibly cocaine or/ and mental illness all I know is that I have lost both my sons who I loved with all my being, and my grandchild who we adored. Life has become a shadow. Both my sons were beautiful sensitive talented and brilliant children and young men and I can’t even explain the sorrow I feel.
Zoey November 7, 2021 at 6:16 pm
I completely understand all those feelings, heartache, loss, confusion and so much more not even said. Reading your comment my heart broke in two for you, I’ve not experienced the grief of losing a child but can empathise after seeing the effect that had on my mother when my only sibling, my 26yr old younger brother ended his life over 18yrs ago. Her life ended that day were it not for me, hers would have to… She told me. My world shattered too, so close, we even shared the same birthday. No longer celebrate without him, it doesn’t feel right and never will. Father to a then 4yr old son, his now 18yr old daughter born a week after his funeral….he’d even named her. Blamed myself he wanted to visit the previous night, I refused it wasn’t convenient..no note, warning, not even an inclination of how he felt… as was usual. Mentally unwell, drug addiction, hectic lifestyle, homeless but he never let any of that get to him? No answers to questions I’ll always have… Nothing. The mother of his children found him couldn’t cope, left the children immediately… I understand. His daughter now with my mother, son mostly in prison history repeated just like his Dad. My own son 6yrs old then now 24 same, despite every attempt I’ve made for a life of success for him! I’ll add here.. Mental illness runs right through family, Dad’s side who also took his life at 39 addicted to heroin.. I was 14, brother 12. I was also addicted to heroin for years but functioned, nobody even knew been clean for 14yrs now, I have Bipolar disorder my son ADHD and Anti Social Personality Disorder. 10yrs of Domestic Abuse/Violence, 2 breakdowns, 7 prison sentences that taught him nothing, finally I was offered intensive psychological therapy. 3yrs later I had the strength and courage to cut ties permanently, knowing I couldn’t do anymore to help, he didn’t want help.. My god I tried, tried and tried again! Final straw he had a child of his own he always wanted, he chose drugs over my 1st grandchild who ended up adopted so lost him too, I’d met him once. Knew then if he couldn’t do it for his own child he never would, that was a year ago. Shocked I’d had the audacity to even make that choice, I had hell, you name it he’s tried it, all of it manipulation… Nothing has changed to this day! Except ME I no longer feel guilt, shame, anger, loss or any other feelings associated with loss of someone you love dearly, who are still alive. He knows when he’s serious about change I’ll be there, as always also knows I won’t tolerate Abuse ever again, if needs be I’ll put him in prison myself!! No it hasn’t been easy, no I didn’t want it to come to this, no I’m not proud of that choice… But in the end… I had no choice? No support other than my psychologist, no one understands, not even friends or family, no one accepts it or even agrees it was the right thing for ME, NO ONE LIVED MY LIFE FOR 10YRS while I protected him, I adored him and still do so hid his abuse from everyone. I’m never believed, he’ll never admit it, I’ve gone past caring now. He knows what he’s done, I know and that’s all that matters imo. I’ll always love him, miss him, want the best for him too.. Only now for the sake of my own sanity, I have to do all that from a distance. Haven’t heard anything for 8 months directly from him, he’s realised all his tactics no longer work.. Not even threats of suicide. To do that to his own mother knowing about his uncle and grandfather, he should be ashamed of himself.. He isn’t! I think you get the picture just wanted to give you, a different view on your own experience. Please try not to let those hurtful comments get you down, coming from an ex addict I promise that’s the addiction talking… Not your son. Much love and take care..
Pat September 18, 2021 at 5:29 pm
This site has been very helpful as I had no idea what I was actually feeling. My son who is 46 is no longer talking to me. We always had a great relationship and he called me once a week as we don’t live in the same state. I would visit when I could to see him and his family. He has two children. I never had a close relationship with my DIL but we got along and never had an issue. My son has had issues with alcohol and pot over the years but I always had his back. Two months ago he moved to another state and I asked him to make time for his sister to see the kids and she lived near him. He would not do that and we ended up having and argument, and he hasn’t talked to me since. My granddaughter called me last week to thank me for her gift and she asked me if I wanted to talk to him and I said sure. She came back on the phone and said he was busy and couldn’t talk. I sent him a text asking him to call and he wrote back and said he loved me but was not feeling well. My feeling is how can you tell someone you love them but won’t talk to them. It is really breaking me heart. I an just hoping to find a way to deal with it some how in the future. He won’t talk to his sister either. Life sure can throw you some unexpected surprises not in a good way.
Dena Marie Minato September 8, 2021 at 1:37 am
This article game me a name for what I have been feeling for the past several weeks. My husband and I, both in our mid-sixties, raised two children, a son and a daughter, in a loving home with rich and varied experiences. We were both teachers and wanted them to have experiences we had not had growing up. They had it all —- music lessons, athletics, travel, museums, national parks, beach trips, camp outs, etc. We were not a perfect family nor perfect parents; no one is, but we worked hard to raise children with a solid core of values. My son, now 34 with a partner (they have chosen not to get married for reasons I don’t really know) and two wonderful daughters (3 and 5), has recently decided that I am the source of all his unhappiness (which I didn’t know he had), am unpleasant to be around, am disrespectful to his partner, and made him take piano lessons when he was young just to make me look good. This seems to have come out of the blue, but I believe much of it has come from his partner, a beautiful and kind woman in many ways, but was raised in an alcoholic home. Her biological father died years ago and her mother continues to battle this horrid disease. She and her daughter (my DIL) have a very limited and painful relationship. My DIL has a lot of baggage and issues stemming from what must have been a truly traumatic childhood as opposed to the reconstructed traumatic childhood my son seems to have created. I have tried desperately to have relationship with my DIL, have not interfered or criticized her for anything, have driven the 4-5 hours to their home to help with moving, child care, house projects, etc — when INVITED. We never just show up. We helped them buy a house and two cars. I think we have been model in-laws, actually. But, now my son has basically said he wants me out of their lives. I am stunned, hurt, angry, and feeling a deep sense of loss. I don’t know what to do. My daughter also feels she has lost a brother, a person she once idolized. I can’t sleep, eat, focus — it truly is as though a loved one died. The pain is unbearable.
FinnGirl March 2, 2022 at 3:00 pm
Dena Marie Minato …. I know just how you feel. My youngest son, who I’ve always been especially close with, did the same to me last spring — two months after I was in the hospital with a heart attack. He wrote me a nasty email, accusing me of all sorts of things I never did, gaslighting him, having furious temper tantrums, making his childhood a nightmare, etc. etc. He said he was “done with me for at least a year, maybe forever” and not to contact him in any way. I was so shocked. He’s pretty sure, and so are we, that he’s an undiagnosed high functioning austistic. He finally found a partner (that he doesn’t really like, but eventually convinced himself he loved), abruptly moved out of the house he owned with his brother, and spent all his money on the down payment and buying the partner nice things. He wouldn’t let any of us meet partner for 2.5 years ….. oddly. Usually my house is where he always brought all his sweeties and potential sweeties. I was always the “safe and welcoming” place. I was always his confidante. Now I’m persona non grata. I’m nothing. I don’t understand. I cry all the time. I can’t sleep. I mourn. My living son has died.
Daphne August 28, 2021 at 9:35 pm
I wonder if I am having ambiguous grief. My sister was my best friend. She is older than me, so I really looked up to her. She helped me a lot. Her daughter died almost 3 years ago. It was near Christmas time. She had an aortic aneurysm. My sister was more than devastated. I cannot imagine. We lost our dad 9 yrs ago and that was tough. But now a hardly ever see or speak to my sister. She has a diagnosis of complicated grief. I don’t recognize her, our whole relationship has changed and I find it so difficult to watch her give up everything. The things we enjoyed are things she doesn’t want to do anymore. Everyone gets mad at me for not being more sympathetic. I feel very bad for my sister but I am also hurting inside and i just can’t seen to let the anger go. When my sister’s daughter died I lost my sister, my friend. Now i am alone and i can’t seem to be able to try to see her or talk. Chalk it up to grief I guess:(
Litsa August 30, 2021 at 3:04 pm
Daphne, what you are describing is very common in ambiguous grief – feeling someone has had an identity change, as your sister has in her grief, and then grieving the person she used to be and the relationship you used to have. This is made more complex by not knowing if there will be an endpoint. I am so sorry for these losses.
Ida September 12, 2021 at 10:36 pm
Really sad. My boy has been struggling three surgerys in one year after recovery from heroin for 8 years. Dr. Let him no meds would be needed for pain. That was my most fear of relapse. Yesterday my other son found him purple in his room overdose two narcam shots later did not help he was dieing and have no idea how long he had been without enough oxygen. They had to insert ventilator. At least 4 times yesterday almost lost him. He has been so depressed for over a year even B4 his accident. After going to hospital they said something is not right. We need to find underlying illness. They were loosing him went into cardiac shock flew him by helicopter to better hospital in heart failure. I don’t want to keep crying I am so grateful. But still scared thinking he may never be himself again. Found out his heart half Is not working. In hospital now runny all kinds of tests regarding his heart me hoping he doesn’t get so depressed he can’t be himself. I hoping by sharing I’ll be able to sleep. Thank u for letting me vent rather then take it out on others that are just as broken down like myself
Y August 18, 2021 at 9:55 pm
So glad to have found this information. Just over two years ago, my daughter turned on me. It was quite sudden. Things got better for a few months, but then one day she called and started all over again. Initially she let me speak to my only grandchild but that ended just over a year ago. We were very close. We spoke on the phone, via text message, or on video chat almost everyday sometimes more than once. I feel like an entirely different person. At times, the grief is overwhelming. I work to stay sane everyday through therapy, exercise, meditation and a variety of other methods. I hope putting a name to it will help me to find a way off the grief wheel I am stuck on🙏
Susan August 1, 2021 at 5:39 pm
My son and dil are divorcing. Dil has mental health issues and addictions. The sad thing is, she has shut my husband and me completely out of her life. Refuses to see us, blocked me on Facebook and my phone number. I thought of her as a daughter, we were friends. Now I am grieving my relationship with her, while she lives a few blocks away.
Anna July 31, 2021 at 2:03 am
My Best friend of 21 years had a massive stroke in December 2020 and was in a coma for 11 days. See, I live in a different state than she does and because of the pandemic and other reasons, I couldn’t go see her. I felt so helpless and lost. She did wake up, but she isn’t the same. She and I would text and call each other all the time. She doesn’t know how to use her phone anymore. I’ve been able to talk with her on her Daughter in law’s phone, but it’s not the same. We used to be able to talk 3 to 5 hours on the phone. Now when we talk, which is maybe once a month, we only talk for maybe 2 to 3 minutes. She is very much older than I am, as my Dad and her were engaged at one point. Needless to say, the engagement ended, but our friendship did not. She was always looking out for me, supporting me, believing in me when I didn’t. One of the endearment words she would always call me was “Dearheart”. I haven’t heard it one time since she had the stroke and it really hurts. I just really miss her. She knows who I am, but she gets me confused with other people too. It’s really strange. The main thing I miss the most is texting her almost every day about anything and everything and she would always respond with everything will be ok somehow, someway. Same would happen when we’d talk on the phone… She always had the best advice. The one person I really need to talk to about this situation is in this situation and I feel like no one understands this grief what so ever. They always tell me this happened months ago, shouldn’t you be over it by now? Other people just say to me, ” I know it hurts,” and walk away. Like yeah sure you understand. I see pictures of her occasionally on Facebook and I can’t see who I used to know. I mean it’s her, but it’s not her!
D July 18, 2021 at 10:48 pm
My mom recently suffered a massive stroke and I got to visit her for the first time today. She’s a shell of who she once was. I’m breaking apart. I know there’s a small part of her inside, but for the most part she just isn’t there anymore, and I don’t understand why life had to be this cruel to her. She doesn’t seem miserable, which is good, but she spent her entire life caretaking and specializing in dementia patients, she worked so hard, I wish I knew why this had to happen to my mommy. I feel guilty but i couldn’t stay in her hospital room for very long because I felt like I was going to burst into tears at any moment, and she only seemed to know i was there sometimes. I want to be supportive and show her i love her but seeing her today broke something inside me I will never get back. The image of her I had in my mind has shattered to pieces, replaced by the image of a half paralyzed smile in a brief moment of lucidity. It hurts so badly. I never even got to say goodbye. We were just talking. I don’t know what to do with myself or how to do anything anymore. I’m not even 30 yet, this wasn’t supposed to happen. My heart is broken
FinnGirl March 2, 2022 at 3:16 pm
D …. honey, I’m so sorry. I know how this hurts. My mom collapsed at work one day, was rushed to the hospital with 14 tumors in her brain. She was lucid for 2-10 minutes at a time. Mostly she didn’t know where she was, what was going on. She didn’t know my 3yo son. She didn’t know my husband. She knew who I was, but thought I was still in high school. She died two weeks later. I was 28.
I’m 64 now and it still hurts to see mothers and daughters together, going to lunch, laughing, having each other. It also hurts when friends pay little to no attention to their mothers. I try to tell them, cherish each moment, call her, buy her a surprise bouquet of flowers ….. because five minutes from now, she could be gone.
Mro March 27, 2023 at 2:33 pm
I’m so sorry for your loss. My ambiguous loss is completely different but what you said about seeing mothers and daughters together resonated with me. I am grieving the relationship that never was and the expectations that went with it. I try and meet my own emotional needs but I end up feeling the same way when I see couples together at church, in the park, at a restaurant, etc. I’m just now getting to understand what I am feeling and how to move forward. I’ll go out by myself and I have reached out to join groups, made friends, have a part-time job I like, and explored my spiritual needs by joining a church I like (difficult for me because I am such an introvert) and I enjoy those activities but it is not fulfilling the need I have for emotional intimacy with my life partner. I go through periods where I feel so lonely and unappreciated I don’t know what to do.
Sally June 30, 2021 at 10:24 am
Thank you for this post. I have been suffering from ambiguous grief for the past 4 months and I didn’t know how to name it. After going through a difficult divorce with my partner of 20 years, I met someone who was the light of my life. He made me so happy and I felt deeply loved. But, he suffered from paranoia which eventually shifted into delusions (all of which were exacerbated by isolation in the pandemic) Things became scary, and I had to get a restraining order and now I will never be able to talk with him again. He is alive, but most likely lost in a world of negative thoughts about me and suspicion about everyone in his life. He refused to see a doctor. He will likely lose his job and apartment and has no support network. My friends and family all want to celebrate because he is out of my life, but I just feel such a loss. It wasn’t his fault that he was mentally ill. The fact that no one recognizes that I’m grieving makes me feel incredibly alone, and I question myself all the time.
Pamela January 27, 2023 at 10:44 am
This happened to me too. Except I refused to give up on him and he got better with medication but he didnt get help until he almost died from suicide.
Elena June 30, 2021 at 9:43 am
My sister in law has been struggling with addiction for 10 years and recently we thought she was having a relapse as she was very erratic. Finally here parents get her to the hospital for a wellness check. And she’s diagnosed with leukemia and brain and spine infection and later aids. She had several drugs in her system( we think she having symptoms and was self medicating.)
She has brain damage is from the brain infection and is currently receiving chemotherapy. Not sure what her chances are.
I’ve mourned her for years already. That last few years she was doing better, and my kids love her. how do I explain to my kids her brain damage. She’s bed bound, her vision is bad. Her hair falling out. Half the time she doesn’t remember them. I don’t know how much time she has. But her mom is bringing her home to take care of her ( she was not happy with the care home she fell and was there less than 2 weeks) and we frequently visit them so my kids will see her inevitably but I want to prepare them. They are 6 and 9 years old. ( They have never known her before drugs we have already explained to them that she is sick in her brain.. to explain her previous absences)
Krissie June 21, 2021 at 11:19 am
I am glad I came across this article because I never knew there was a name for this type of grief! It wasn’t until a few years ago I even learned we can have grief for so many situations and not only just death of a loved one. We all have been through at least one life experience or at least know someone who has or is going through a difficult life situation! I will definitely be sharing this article with some of my friends who have a family member struggling with addiction, or has an adult daughter about to go to prison, or is going through a horrible break up! I am currently grieving the death of two close friends and I am grieving over a close friend who has a deadly drug addiction and is not the same person he used to be, very destructive, and at the same time I am trying to comfort his sister who is my best friend and their mom who I am very close to. So thank you for explaining this and now I can research further into it!
Carolyn June 20, 2021 at 3:35 pm
My sister began to estrange herself from myself and her family and friends over a year ago. We believe her to be suffering from mental illness, She is currently homeless and we do not know where she is. She does not answer e-mails,texts or phone calls, She refuses to believe that she is ill and won’t seek help. I don’t think that I will ever see her again and my heart aches that I cannot help her. Any advice on how to move forward would be greatly appreciated. I feel like no one truly understands this type of grief.
JulieS July 11, 2021 at 8:13 am
This is heartbreaking and I know exactly how you feel as my daughter has done the same. She has mental illness too. Her siblings and I feel exactly as you do. I can’t give any advice on how to move forward as it is very difficult. We just take one day at a time and try to distract ourselves. We still think of her daily though. All we can do in a situation like this is keep on with our own lives and never give up hope. Just know that you are not alone.
Sad June 14, 2021 at 11:03 am
This article is exactly how I feel about my ex-husband who struggles with addiction. We tried moving forward after he was clean for 8 months but then relapsed and broke my heart. Many times he went back to drugs instead of being there for me and our family. I am crying because I feel he is dead to me. All thw hopes of a normal life is gone. No trust. Never knowing if today will be his day to relapse. I do not know what to do with my feelings. Love/ hate/ extreme sadness/ loss of what our relationship is. Thank you for article. I am not alone. I do not expect him to help me with this feeling of despair as he takes one day at a time. This is very hard. I just want to be happy. Why doesn’t he leave the drugs alone??? I can’t understand why it is taking mire than 25 years to fix this problem. I can only try to put things in perspective and give myself permission to grieve our loss.
Joyce June 9, 2021 at 3:14 pm
My husband had a massive stroke 8 years ago. He was 58 years old. He is alive but requires 24 hour care. I feel so alone. I can’t take him anywhere,I tried for the first few years but it became exhausting. Have lost most friends & feel so alone. He cannot walk ,is paralyzed & has speech asphia. People tell me that well as least he is alive. But is he? So I stay with him & just keep him company. But as time goes by I feel that I am getting more depressed. How can I go on? People just don’t seem to understand & ignore me
mary September 24, 2021 at 6:01 am
Just saw this Joyce. Am in the same situation. Husband paralysed and mute from massive stroke. also young. Am also alone with this nightmare. Wish we could talk.
Jacque Allen May 12, 2021 at 9:29 pm
My husband one day went from always treating me like a queen never cussing at me never letting others see the holes in our relationship too constantly cussing me out and belittling me in front of people.
The whole dynamics of our relationship have changed I grieve the old David all day everyday and he doesn’t understand and thinks I’m crazy
Debbie May 7, 2021 at 9:08 pm
I am truly grateful that I ran across this article. For 2 years 4 months and 9 days I have been going through this grief alone concerning my 25 year old son. He is my only child and I raised him by myself since birth. He used to be so active, social and 🧠 gent that people were always commenting on it. We had disagreements once he became a teenager but he was never out and out disrespectful, mean, rude and hurtful as he has been in these last year’s. I am 64 years old and my physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health has declined so rapidly that I am scared to be alone here with him. But I have d cider to put him on a bus back to our hometown in Virginia in 9 days for my sanity. But reading this has lessened my pain just knowing that what I have been feeling and known for a while now is real and valid. This hasn’t changed anything but it has validated my feelings. So thank you.
Chauntelle July 26, 2021 at 7:51 am
Debbie, both of my older children started showing signs of narcissistic personality disorder at 22 yrs old. Within a yr by 23 yo they were full blown disrespectful, full of anger, & mean. My son’s 4.5 yrs older than my daughter. But both started at 22 & cut me out of their life by 23 yrs old. It was mind blowing. Like invasion of the body snatchers. I’m so sorry yr going thru this too. Prayers & Hugs to U.
Dena September 8, 2021 at 1:16 am
I understand this kind of grief, Chauntelle. My 34-year-old son has decided recently that he had a traumatic childhood and I am the reason. He has also claimed that I disrespect his partner and mother of my two precious granddaughter. My husband and I (both teachers and well educated) raised both our children in a loving home, gave both children rich experiences of education, family vacations, travel, music, athletics. We provided our son with a private school education, helped him buy a house, and have been loving, supportive grandparents. But, he has now claimed some horrible and untrue things about me. He has alienated his younger sister (28) who once idolized him. I am at a loss at this change in my son and realized today that I am going through a grieving process not unlike the one I experienced when my own mother died unexpectedly at the age of 56; I was only 32 and the mother of a new baby — my son. I am feeling a deep sense of hopelessness and loss and am seeking a competent therapist to help me.
Del April 26, 2021 at 9:33 am
I knew that I was feeling grief, and I knew that though unlike losing someone to death, the grief was very real and very devastating and VERY VERY VERY much a completely consuming force that has been a vampire draining my mind body and spirit. I never knew it had a name. Thank you so much. My 17 year old son will not speak to me, it’s complicated. I feel like a part of me has died. And, being an addict (high functioning) in recovery the depression and emptiness has led me to relapse over and over. No one even knows I’m using and although it hasn’t taken over me yet, it’s gonna happen. I told my husband that I had been using. This was 3 months ago. We have rarely spoken of it since and when we do it is because I bring it up. I ask him does he think if we just ignore it it will go away? He doesn’t know what to say and he can’t handle conflict or confrontation so he goes silent. And while he is shut down on silent mode I am slowly spirally down into a place i fought so hard to get out of. I have no one to talk to about it. And the one person I do feel comfortable and secure enough with to open up to is just standing by silently as I destroy us both. Honestly I don’t think I can go on living much longer. I’m not suicidal by any means. But I am saying that I welcome an end to it by any means at this point.
Jarred Vanalstyne April 24, 2021 at 11:49 am
This design is spectacular! You most certainly know how to keep a reader entertained. Between your wit and your videos, I was almost moved to start my own blog (well, almost…HaHa!) Wonderful job. I really loved what you had to say, and more than that, how you presented it. Too cool!
tyler April 10, 2021 at 10:31 pm
for me, I have been grieving the family I will never have. My mother and my step-dad have been emotionally distant and abusive since I was young and they treated my brother like he is their world and here I am on the sideline been used as the butt of jokes and a servant. Instead of supporting me they would punish me and yell at me. I am grieving the fact I will never have a loving family and I am just a stranger in my own childhood house. I feel like I am just being judged all of the time by my own mother. when my step-dad left I was so happy I was yelling and dancing late into the night. my mother got mad and said ” I was hurting his feelings why should I care you guys have hurt my feelings and you have never care now you care about it is you guys who is getting hurt.
Alison April 9, 2021 at 7:15 pm
I felt ambiguous grief when my partner went to prison. I am not saying it was the same experience as others have, but I would wake at night from crying. My mother didn’t understand telling me she didn’t want to hear his name was very unhelpful. I am grateful he is back safely.
Brandy March 14, 2021 at 3:43 pm
I’m in endearing and ambiguous grief, me and my significant other have been in a relationship for 7 years we had a really bad argument and he laughed and had a horrific motorcycle wreck. He was hit and left for dead on the side of the road and I did not find out until a week later good night took him to the ICU he was dead on scene they resuscitated him. When I was able to go see see him was two and a half months after the wreck he’s been asleep in a coma for more than half the time. He did not recognize me but yet when I brushed his hand he looked at me and said they left the window open too long the demon is inside me please help me. I don’t know how to take this it’s confusing in hurting me he believes he’s okay he’s on a drink lots of support they had to amputate his leg penis brain injury he is an unknown repairable pelvis any broke his back in for places he has two collapsed lungs I don’t see how he’s even alive.
Cat March 28, 2021 at 9:53 pm
The thing he said that sounds so strange and worrying, it sounds similar to the types of things I heard from a friend of mine when she had a brain infection before they got the diagnosis, talking about God punishing her, the devil etc. She is not usually religious but was raised Catholic. The brain is inflamed, distorting how these people think and often it sounds doom and gloom because they are in survival mode. Fight or flight, and by some miracle they have been able to tell us something is not right at the moment. They dont know what and it didnt come out right but it’s a start. My friend made a full recovery. Try to keep faith, give yourself time to accept that this relationship is changed forever now one way or another.
Anita Morgan March 1, 2021 at 11:27 am
My daughter is 51 & lives in South Africa, she has various medical problems & was told she was terminal about 6 months ago.Knowing she is dieing is bad enough but not being able to be with her is even worse. When she phones me & is having a bad day because of pain etc I no longer know what to say to her, she does not have a very good support system & I feel helpless. I have had a phone call with her today where she has told me she has had enough & just wants to die because on top of everything else she now has covid. As I said before she dosent have a very good support system her partner is a dead loss & she has always done everything for them but he dosent seem to be there when she desperately needs someone. Its making me ill worrying about all of this
mary May 21, 2021 at 4:49 am
I so feel for you Anita. It is hell to hear your person telling you they want to die. My spouse does that at times- he has been paralysed from a stroke for ten years. I have no answer but just want you to know i understand and also has so many health probs from the stress of their pain..not that you can let them know. People tell you to take care of yourself etc but nothing really helps because you are consumed with worry. Hugs to you xx
Rebecca February 26, 2021 at 2:58 am
I have been struggling with this. Therapy is helping. Thank you for putting a name on what I am feeling. I have lived through the death of loved ones – this is a whole different kind of grief and it is validating at least to see it discussed. Thank you again.
Moana July 2, 2021 at 5:06 am
Wow didn’t know this had a name. I was raised in a cult, and have lost my whole family because I didn’t want to be in the cult anymore, so I was ex communicated from everyone in my immediate family, thank you for sharing as I didn’t know how to explain it, no one understands my grief, and have been working on it for years to find a way to overcome it. Thank you
Farrukh Saleem February 16, 2021 at 12:47 pm
Hello
My wife is in Ambigious Grief that me is died many years back whereas me & children live normally with her facing this syndrome. She is psychic patient of anxiety geting medicines recommended by doctor.
Please guide to coup this.
Waiting for response
Regards
Farrukh Saleem
Isabelle Siegel February 17, 2021 at 12:10 pm
Farrukh, I’m sorry to hear that you and your family are going through this. I wish I could offer some advice to magically take your pain away and help you cope. Unfortunately, sometimes coping is actually just allowing yourself to sit with painful emotions. That said, perhaps it would be helpful for you to reach out to a therapist trained in grief, which you can find here: https://grief.com/grief-counselor-directory/. Please know that, no matter what, you are not alone. All the best to you and your children.
Animallover February 15, 2021 at 5:23 am
I rescued this kitten, mended her wounds for almost two months and she got back to her normal ways, so I returned her to the owner. Just yesterday, I came there to visit and that exact day, before I arrive, I heard that the kitten has gone missing – just a few hours before I came to their place and she’s nowhere to be found. I even put my phone on a monopod just to peep in the storm drain, in hopes that she’s just there, sitting and waiting to be rescued. Unfortunately, I am without luck.
She’s supposed to grow up as a lovely, lovely cat and I will always love her, wherever she is… 🙁 omg, she’s not even my cat and I am grieving like this! I hope somebody else is getting what I am feeling. 🙁
Isabelle Siegel February 17, 2021 at 12:18 pm
Thank you for taking the time to comment and to share your story. I want you to know that it’s completely normal and okay to be grieving this loss. You had an emotional connection with this kitten, so it’s only natural that you would miss her and be concerned about her whereabouts. I hope she is found soon!
Shirley January 9, 2021 at 10:03 am
My ambiguous grief is my always loving, kind daughter that is no estranged due to my SIL her gatekeeper. She was given an ultimatum by her husband and made her choice. All of the family members and friends (outs and hers) are in shock and disbelief. She has cut off contact with all family members and friends. This is going on 2 1/2 yrs. The in-laws were told by their son to not get involved. They are abiding his request because they don’t want the same no contact happening to them.
To think someone can control or gaslight your intelligent child is beyond belief. I mourn everyday and pray that she’ll wake up and remember her true reality with her loving parents and family. Now I don’t have her new phone number or address. So since May of 2020 I have sent no email or call or text. Prior to that when it started in June of 2018 we sent amends letters (which honestly were for things that were to appease them) to Both of them. Sent I love you and miss you unconditionally voice mails and texts. Her phone contract was up in May 2029 and since we owned her number it gave SIL even more control to change her number with a new plan. I’m heartbroken for this is also an ambiguous grief with no roadmap to follow that works. Topics on this and support groups would be helpful. Thank you from two loving heartbroken parents of an estranged adult child by SIL.
julieS January 29, 2021 at 2:28 am
I feel for you. My daughter has done the same thing. She has cut her whole family out. We are heartbroken too. Her husband has encouraged her to block her family. we met him only once before their wedding, he asked for money. we saw him at the wedding then never again. There is a book Called “stop the crying”. I really feel for you. it is so hard. I hope and pray your daughter will come to her senses soon.
Julie December 25, 2020 at 5:15 am
Another family gathering. So love having us all together but it’s not the same anymore. One of my boys have a mental health issue. Anxiety comes alongside this without gatherings. A couple of drinks to mask this for him turns into more which makes it difficult for him to keep his delusional thoughts under control.
The day ends with issues.
I want the boy back that trusted me had unconditional love .
I miss the days when our gatherings were carefree and full of fun n love.
IsabelleS December 28, 2020 at 2:03 pm
Julie, I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. I hope this article has communicated to you that, no matter what anyone else says, you are fully entitled to grieve the loss of who your son used to be. Does your son have any desire to seek help? All the best to you.
Linda January 7, 2021 at 6:13 am
I recently have experienced a loss of my husband that is still here.He got sick suddenly in Oct & spent 1 mo in hospital. Major surgery. He is suffering from adjustment & me too.I am very very angry & out of control. He is so different. I cry constantly To make matters worse with covid I wasnt allowed at hosp directly before & after surgery. And had to go back to work while he was in hospital I havent gotten over the anger of not being able to be there. I’m drowning here please help
IsabelleS January 7, 2021 at 10:31 am
Linda, I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through this. I hope this article has validated that you can grieve someone who is still alive. I cannot begin to imagine how difficult it was to not be by your husband’s side before and after his surgery. You’re entitled to feel angry… It’s unfair. You may want to check out this article: https://whatsyourgrief.com/all-about-anger/ Please know that everything you’re feeling is normal and okay. This article might help you label some of your feelings, and/or see how common they are after any type of loss: https://whatsyourgrief.com/what-does-grief-feel-like/ All the best to you and your husband.
Janet November 13, 2020 at 1:41 pm
Hi, thank you for this article. Explains alot of what’s happening in our family right now. Few years ago, our father passed away suddenly & unexpectedly & we are still coming to terms with him gone. Today, our mother is very ill & has had a few heart attacks but is still of sound mind. After reading this article, I am 99% positive that there are a few of our siblings going through this ambiguous grief. I have a few questions: Can this grief bring out the worse in people? Can it consume someone’s way of thinking so much so, they tend not to hear or talk as much to the person they’re grieving for? Have a big family & little squabbles are beginning to get toxic. Anyone else out there going through or have been through this type of situation? Would love some advice…
IsabelleS November 16, 2020 at 11:24 am
Hi Janet, ambiguous grief is like any other form of grief. It affects everyone differently. It’s very possible that it is bringing out the worst in your siblings/family. I recommend you check out this article: https://whatsyourgrief.com/family-fighting-after-a-death/ All the best to you.
denette wilson October 10, 2020 at 8:00 am
I went through the whole grieving process of my best friend and ex fiance, but I just needed some time. It is complicated! It was over a year and a half ago. I had accepted everything and was living my life. Decided to be married to GOD and take care of me and my dog and something opened that can of worms and caused me to question if it was try and I found out I have been lied to and I think he’s alive. I am so upset! I have already lived a life of hell and this is cruel!
Jacquie September 29, 2020 at 3:00 am
My heart is ripped to shreds by adult mental health child who has in last 6 months became a stranger who brought fear anxiety to my home my teenage child lives in. he was sent to prison due to verbal non stop abuse he was released got supported housing temporary he got kicked out came to live with us (heroin) never crossed my mind he was looking fine. his outburst every few week got to stage police were out 2/4 times some weeks his denial refuse to leave led to where he is now another support hostel in 4 months this is 5th place everyone else fault he gets put out these places he denies everything relating to drugs he puffs weed in recent months carrys small alcohol type cheap booze. another flag he is trying hide reality hates junkies.needles His words so a don’t mention anything relating to. reality he denies any use possibly smoking or chasing seen him other day my god deterating in him is scary my heart is ripped to shreds trying to cope with guilt for if you call it turning blind eye. my duty to younger child care protect bringing this up in house is no longer an option due to family wellbeing a miss my son more than i can express he has always been around me on daily basis that is no longer the case hear he is out begging possibly stealing my grief is horrendous as am on my own with all the worry anxiety fear unknown if he is on am drained by mixed emotions am dealing with myself on daily basis for now a keep trying think positive accept can’t help him without professionals reality is he did make the choice himself he is aware the impact on any drug users wellbeing family. That does not help me today hopefully tomorrow’ brings some positive energy giving up on myself helps nobody my child won’t see me fall to pieces am a recovering Alcoholic 15years A.d.a.a.t to get to this point took me places that terrified me admitting (wanting getting help only person can help is the addict my tears have stopped for now thanks to Google searching came across this fantastic blog given me tiny bit hope and reading others personal life got identification that am no longer alone thanks take care people
IsabelleS September 29, 2020 at 11:15 am
Hi Jacquie, I am so sorry to hear about what you are going through. The emotions you are experiencing are so normal given the complexity of the situation. I hope this blog and community can bring you some sense of comfort and remind you that, no matter what, you are definitely NOT alone!
LYN November 4, 2020 at 6:59 pm
Jacquie: Commit him Involuntarily. At this point, that’s your best bet. Based on your testimony, it seems there’s something organic or dysfunction in his brain – possibly bipolar. Don’t wait. Don’t give up. Heart goes out to you.
Deon January 14, 2021 at 4:44 am
I mentally lost my brother to schizophrenic paranoia. It’s been going on 2 years and it bothers me so bad. His condition is only getting worse because he refuses to accept that something is wrong with him and just thinks that every one including us are trying to set him up. It so draining especially when he lies all the time about taking his medicine and not smoking marijuana. He does absolutely nothing to help himself and lies do much it’s unbearable
IsabelleS January 15, 2021 at 11:46 am
Deon, I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through this. It can be so difficult to watch someone we love suffer but not do anything to help themselves. Your feelings of frustration are normal and valid. All the best to you.
Phoebe McIndoe May 15, 2021 at 2:39 am
Dear Jacquie,
I can’t tell you how much I recognised myself in what you wrote. At the beginning of Covid my brother went into sheltered accomodation after years of violence and stealing for drugs : my family couldn’t cope with having him at home. After being released from prison for the third time he went to Hastings and our contact dropped off. There are so many confusing strands to the grief I feel, I’m trying to unpick some of them by telling the story and speaking with others. Anyway, I would love to talk to you about your experience in more detail . This is my email [CONTACT INFORMATION REMOVED] X
Phoebe McIndoe May 18, 2021 at 8:08 am
Dear Jacquie, I’m so sorry to hear what you have been through. This reminds me of a experience with my brother – who turned to drugs – got violent – got arrested- sheltered accommodation and we’ve now lost contact. The grief is so confusing and has so many strands – I miss my brother so much but also couldn’t live with him like that. If you ever want to talk through your experience my email is [CONTACT INFORMATION REMOVED] it would be wonderful to share stories.
Alexopvakansiyalar September 25, 2020 at 5:55 pm
I usually help with fixing things or helping with things that seem impossible but this was one problem I couldn’t solve no matter how much I tried prayed or cried. nothing I could do but watch my beautiful little mum suffer.
Clara September 11, 2020 at 12:12 pm
Thank you for this article. I found it by googling ‘grieving someone hwo is still alive’ – as I realised over the last few weeks that what I am experiencing at the moment is grief.
And this is a second round of this grief. My brother died suddenly a few years ago, and it forced me – or at last opened me up – to confront the cycles of psychological abuse in my family. I felt as though many kinds of grief were happening at once – simply grieving my brother’s passing, grieving the loss of the family I hoped we would become (because we could no longer pretend that one day it would all get btter and ‘be ok), grieving the loss of the notion of ‘family’ as I realised I had to separate myself from them (emotionally at least) in order to be OK.
After 2 years of intense grieving and depressioin and illness, last year I slowly recovered and this year looked forward to a new beginning. Then my elderly dad had a mental health crisis – and confessed to maintaining a secret double life for 20 years.
I feel both angry with him, and so sad that he is so ill and broken. I am grieving the loss of the man who was my father in 2 ways – he is lost to me through is current state of mental illness, and he is lost to me as it turns out he wasn’t who I thought he was, and that was all a big lie.
I’ve decided that I cannot think or reason or understand my way through this, but I can simply take care of myself and (while) experience the grieving, and see what happens. Just cry when I have to, but not try to make a story out of it. I lost a very dear friend in May when she died of a brain tumour, and I can’t change that she has gone. I will try to apply the same acceptance to this, too. Thank you for reading friends.
Kam Kaudle September 7, 2020 at 10:47 am
I was made aware of your article by a FB Friend.
We are both alienated parents.
It is estimated that 22M families are experiencing PARENTAL ALIENATION just in the U. S. alone.
I hope that you write an article addressing the effects of Ambiguous Loss and Parental Alienation.
Thank you.
JulieS September 4, 2020 at 10:09 pm
I also found this site very helpful. I am grieving the loss of my daughter who I lost to mental illness. She was terribly abused both physically and emotionally by her father in the first few years of her life. (As were the whole family.) We left him and he did not make any effort to have anything to do with his children apart from a couple of letters from a solicitor six months after we left. He was offered to establish contact slowly and in a safe way so as not to intimidate the children who were frightened of him. He made no effort at all and disappeared. Five years later he remarried and his second wife tried to get him contact with his children, it resulted in him abusing her and the end of their marriage. I know this as she emailed me with the details. After that I focussed on raising my children the best way I could as a single parent and we had a very happy life until my daughter became a teenager and her brain started re adjusting, as they do. She developed mental health problems which were attributed to the abuse she received at the hands of her father as a young child during her formative years. The rest of the children and I did our best to support her for many years throughout this illness. (It took its toll on the rest of us but because of our love for her we never gave up on her despite her behaviour towards us which was frequently physically violent and verbally abusive.) She has been diagnosed as having BPD. She ran away from home in a rage when she met a young man at university and managed to convince him we were horrible and didn’t love her, she played the ultimate victim to get his attention and sympathy. He made no effort to get to know the family at all. They married quickly, despite her being in her teens and him being 6 years older, after a very short time and she has now built a wall around herself and has no contact with any of her siblings or me. We are all heartbroken. Matters became even worse when she decided to contact her father who she hadn’t seen for 15 years and who had made no effort to try to contact her, no letters, cards, anything. Instead of apologising for his behaviour and offering to start afresh he blamed me and the other children for ‘stopping’ him being in her life and refused to acknowledge anything he ever did. In her state of mental illness she has chosen to believe this and has started publicly accusing me and her siblings of being the abusive ones. Despite her older siblings telling her the truth, despite having had a wonderful life with us, we are all now the villains and she wants nothing to do with any of us. She was always a loving child and to see the person she has become, due to mental illness it is heartbreaking, for me, her siblings, her family friends and other relatives. It is as if the person we knew is now dead as this person bears no resemblance to her at all. Her siblings and I have had counselling to try to deal with this grief but it is daily pressing. Despite being constantly reassured it is her mental illness causing this, we are still grieving. What should be happy memories of her growing up are now painful. People say at least you and the others have each other, and we are eternally grateful for that, we still miss the real person my youngest daughter, the sister of my other children, who are also grieving. Grief of a person who is technically alive but lost due to mental illness is so painful. Part of the pain is also that we constantly get our hopes up that something will happen and she will come to her senses and realise what she has lost, or get help for her illness, but our hopes are constantly dashed. The pain is intense but not something many people can understand.
Lyn November 4, 2020 at 7:36 pm
Hi JulieS. Are you going to let your daughter prevent you from loving her? Do you believe you are to blame for her abuse? I’m sure you did everything you could to keep your family together and to love your kids – and faith in your heart, dear stranger, you must use as your guiding light. Don’t let her manipulate you. When she presents herself, calls, emails, etc. don’t ask any questions about her life and don’t ask her why she’s “doing this”. Just LISTEN. Let HER volunteer/offer what info she wants, when she wants, to you. Most importantly, don’t openly lament her distancing, her blaming, or your pain to her – do that with a counselor and other family members. She KNOWS damn well you’re hurting. Your daughter is on her own journey – let her walk it. She’s angry, let her be. This is a process, in an adult world; unstructured, but she IS testing the world around her and processing. When she blames you, just go, “Mmm mm”, or “I hear you”. Don’t defend. What I know for sure, is that human beings intrinsically know who truly loves them, regardless of age or circumstances. Your daughter is looking to blame someone, because it’s easier to do than seeking help – because it’s a convenient outlet – because it’s human nature. You’ve shown that you already learned all this, exemplified by your survival and recovery of your ex-husband’s behaviors. USE your experience and knowledge and TRUST this: your daughter loves you. It’s twisted I know, but if she really didn’t care she would disappear like a ghost and never have any contact with you again. I believe she’ll come around – BECAUSE you love her – the Boomerang Effect. By the way, just because she’s acting out and doing impulsive things doesn’t mean you’ve “lost” her to mental illness. Based on your examples of her behaviors, I don’t have the impression she’s insane, psychotic, or schizophrenic; she DOES seem to have emotional problems and likely depression. Meanwhile, focus on your life, your health, your other kids. When she’s ready, she’ll let you know. It’s hard, but just try to accept whatever she offers you, when she does. I think you might like a parent support group and and possibly joining a Christian women’s group. Take care and chin up.
julieS January 29, 2021 at 2:32 am
Thankyou for your supportive post. Nothing will stop me loving my daughter. She has cut her whole family out of her life and has been ‘no contact’ for more than 20 months now. The longer she goes on this way the worse it is for the rest of us. It is shattering.
Shawnee August 17, 2020 at 1:11 am
I am in grief mode all the time lately and crying is a daily ritual. My daughter just got dumped by the love of her life ! I loved him too and had hopes he would some day be my son in law. My sister was just diagnosed with cancer, my spouse of 23 years is a low bottom alcoholic who just got fired from his long time job and is having an affair , and my dear friends son was just killed yesterday while riding his bike. I am filled with grief and sorrow and want to crawl up in a ball and cry.
julieS September 4, 2020 at 10:16 pm
That is so sad and my heart breaks for you. I hope you can get some support to help you through this. My heart goes out to your daughter, your sister and also your friend, whose son died.
Kbh February 18, 2021 at 6:26 pm
I have recently found out I am donor conceived. My mum and dad wanted me so much, they used a fertility treatment, which meant my dad is not biologically related to me. I love him very much. But I’m also grieving him, our relationship up to me finding out via DNA ancestry. It was never given up, it was reluctantly told after numerous questions to my mum. My dad still has no idea I even know the truth
Rebecca February 26, 2021 at 2:47 am
Kbh,
I, too, am donor conceived. There are many support groups for us. I know it can be quite the knowledge to process. Reach out to World Wide Donor Conceived group on Facebook or the like. I think you may find it helpful. Best of luck.
ANNE Marie August 15, 2020 at 8:57 am
Thank you so much. This is so helpful. I found it by accident. My mother has Parkinson’s, Sometimes she is with me sometimes she is not. It is so hard when neighbours and people in the community keep saying oh your mum is in brilliant health. They just don’t see that it’s not her anymore. I also don’t have a family anymore because I took someone to court for an abuse case. They are dead to me and offer no support. I still care and would make sure that they were safe if they were in trouble but have no contact with them. The loneliness and the isolation is worse than when my husband died because people just don’t understand that I am going through loss. Nobody knows. You are made to feel guilty if you’re not strong enough to be there for the person who is ill. I’m doing my best but due to my own medical conditions I can’t always do it I need a break sometimes any good books or post on the topic of ambiguous grief greatly welcomed.
Lyn November 4, 2020 at 7:51 pm
Dear Ann Marie. Your heart is broken. True, no one knows exactly how you feel, but human beings all know pain – and there’s so many different reasons we can be anguished. Can you force yourself to ally yourself with a support group, women’s group at a church, set yourself up with a geriatric counselor? When we feel sad and depressed, everything can feel like work, so many things can feel like a burden. But key to feeling better is to have an outlet for your loneliness and start some new relationships. My opinion is that another good way to increase your self-value, is to volunteer in your community. Volunteering is one of the best ways to make new friendships with good-hearted people. You might keep a journal on your progress in that area, take pictures of your new friends, your new environments, and share them with your Mom. I also encourage you to consider joining a widow/widowers support group. Crafting with other women, or taking a class to learn a new skill might also help. Here’s to you, dear stranger – you can do this – but why all by yourself?
remy August 13, 2020 at 11:56 am
This is the closest I’ve gotten to a discussion on the kind of grief I’m experiencing. And I found it by accident while looking for something totally unrelated.
I do feel I am experiencing ambiguous grief, because the person I lost is still alive.
But the person I lost was not lost to an illness. The person I lost was the person they pretended to be. The person I thought they were before I was old enough to recognize the abuse for what it was.
I have to grieve an entire family that is still alive because I had to choose to save my mental health or choose to save a relationship that could not be saved. Everyone else chose to save the relationship.
I wish they were dead so they can’t hurt anyone else, but also because it would be so much easier for my grief to be understood if they were dead instead of toxic.
Clare September 11, 2020 at 12:14 pm
Hi Remy, I hear you. I don’t know you, but I’m with you. May your heart find peace x Clare
julieS January 30, 2021 at 7:52 pm
To hold on to the kind of anger and hurt that wishes someone dead is harming yourself. You said that others have saved the relationship with this person so to them that person is not toxic (as you have described them to be). Why does one person mean you have to lose your whole family? Do the rest of the family see you as the problem? It sounds like you may need to sit down with a therapist and work out the dynamics of what is going on. I hope you can get the help you need so you can live a happy life.
Angie August 6, 2020 at 6:32 am
Thanks so much for this article. My husband was diagnosed with Parkinson’s 10 years ago, in his forties. I have struggled so much for the past 2/3 years and just googled Parkinson’s partners and grief thinking maybe that’s what’s wrong with me. So helpful to have this acknowledged here. (Also, amazing life changing brain surgery, scheduled for 23rd March was cancelled 5 days before due to Covid.)
Liz Symmons July 25, 2020 at 1:44 am
I have most definitely dealt with ambiguous grief. It started when my daughter met her now husband. She was just 17. She told me he was a Paramedic and his mother a nurse. They”seemed” like a nice family. Had I known the heartache ahead, I would have taken her out of the country for a few years. Slowly but surely they completely poisoned her mind against us. Everything we said or did was wrong. His mother was a Psych nurse and knew exactly what buttons to press with my daughter. At that time she was almost six feet tall with raven black curls down to her waist. She was also incredibly beautiful. He thought he’d hit the jackpot, so he and his mother put together a plan to get her. And get her they did. It’s no use going into details, but suffice it to say that SHE arranged my daughters wedding. I was asked to do NOTHING. When they came to me with hands out for the money to pay for this, I told them they should go to the person who arranged the whole wedding, not me! From then it got from bad to worse. My granddaughter was born and I was the ONLY one they would trust to babysit her. Not his mother, but me. They told me not to tell her. Anyway time pssses by and I get an invitation in the mail. It’s for my granddaughter’s first communion at Catholic Church!!!! I am Jewish and so is my daughter, which makes my Abby also jewish. But they HAD to get her confirmed as a Catholic I was so very disappointed in my daughter. Before I continue I should add that my daughter had a wonderful upbringing. She was treated with respect by us, we never, ever struck her, and we fully participated in her love of horses. We bought her a Thoroughbred from Florida and all the equipment she needed was costing a fortune. We were happy to do it because she loved it, and we all got to spend time together as a family.
None of those sacrifices made any differences to her, and she turned her back on us in favor of a very disreputable family who’ve been in trouble with the law many times.
She , her boyfriend and his mother took me out for coffee one evening and once they had me cornered they really let me have it. Apparently mothers were supposed to get older not younger, and who was I trying to impress by dying my hair, working out and going tanning. I was livid. I cannot help it if I take care of myself and alwYs look nice when I leave the house. I’ve been that way since I was 14. Her on the other hand, at that time had gained so much weight and was around 250lbs she had on a black stained t-shirt and looked absolutely awful. She was certainly taught differently at home.
Everything that happens now, we are left out of. We have no other family in this country, just our daughter. Her MIL invites everyone around for the holidays….except us. She knows we’ll be alone and that gives her some sort of satisfaction.
Anyway, now that I’ve explained, albeit in a very circuit route why I’m grieving my daughter AND granddaughter. I remember my daughter as she was, an extremely lovely little girl. That is my memory of her. Memories of what she is now, I don’t want.
Lynn July 27, 2020 at 6:30 am
How did you come to terms with this I feel like i’m going insane.
Deb July 30, 2020 at 1:37 pm
Hi Liz,
My problem/ grief is alot like yours except reversed. My mother remarried a man 20 years younger only 5 months after my father passed and everything changed. Now I am grieving both parents. I just can’t breathe sometimes it hurts so very much.
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Tanya Hoang August 29, 2020 at 12:09 am
Hello!
I think i’ve been experiencing this but it is sort of different. My mom is perfectly healthy and fine but I keep getting sad and i start crying for no reason. She’s the only person I’ve ever had (deadbeat dad) and I really can’t handle the fact that she will inevitably die. As a 15 year old, I know that I have so much time left to spend time with her but as we grow up, we realize that there is never enough time. And I was unfortunate to realize it when I was only 10 years old. With Covid and everything happening right now, I’ve become more sad and I can’t help but feel this way. I’m not sure what to do to stop it and I can’t spend more time then I have because of school and she had work. I’ve never been sad right when I woke up before (it has only happened at night) and I don’t know what to do.
Litsa August 29, 2020 at 6:17 pm
Tanya,
I am so sorry you are feeling this. It is a hard reality to face and it is not at all uncommon to worry and be sad about things like this, but if it is something you are thinking about all the time and it is getting in the way of your normal, daily life, it might actually be good to talk with a therapist. They can help with techniques for coping with anxiety, to help you manage these thoughts when the come up. Though this is going to sound a bit counterintuitive, another thing that can be helpful is sometimes remembering that grief and loss – it is the one thing that connects all of us. Suffering and losing those we love is, tragically, something we all have to endure at some point. And our awareness of that can actually help us to leave meaningful, purpose-filled lives where we don’t take for granted those moments and relationships. That said, if the thoughts are so hard to manage that they are interfering, a counselor (even just starting with your school counselor) might be a good place to start. Also, sharing these things with you mom – have you talked with her about it?
Tanya Hoang August 29, 2020 at 12:09 am
I just realized that I accidentally commented on someone else’s comment. ? i’m sorry
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Melinda Gardner May 6, 2020 at 9:37 am
After being slapped by her husband of 17 years, my daughter had him arrested and her marriage was over. Unfortunately, the one and only time he lashed out at her was in front of three of her 6 children. She left him, left the LDS Church (Mormon), and took all the children with her away from the church they were born and raised in. She is now heavily involved in the radical feminist movement and refers to all of her children as radical feminists. She is now a lesbian and the last time she contacted me was on the 19th of November, 2019. I have not been able to reach her or any of my 6 grandchildren. I have texted, phoned, messaged, written letters, emails, phone messages, sent cards, sent letters, sent birthday and Christmas gifts and I get nothing but silence in return. I am cut off completely from my daughter and my 6 grandchildren. I don’t understand. I don’t know why. This is ambiguous grief and the pain breaks my heart and hurts my soul. I am at a loss as to what I can do. I need help. Is anyone out there who has suffered the same kind of loss? I feel so alone.
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Cathryn March 15, 2020 at 2:16 pm
My mum had an aneurism on her brain over 4 years ago and she is in a care home, peg fed, sleeps a lot but at times wakes and recognises me and will say small sentences over the years and understands some of what I say. She does recognise the names of people I talk about. Seems to be me more than any other family that gets anything from our mum.
I love her dearly and although it’s hard she isn’t in pain or aware of her situation.
I find it all so hard at times, I visit regularly and like now when the nursing home is in lock down due to the Coronavirus I feel so, so upset that I cannot check on her. After 4 1/2 years I feel I should not get so upset but I do.
I miss my mum how she was and I love her dearly.
Should I really have come to terms with the situation by now and be tougher about it rather than have periods where I feel so upset? I just feel so sorry for my mum as she is so vulnerable.
valori March 28, 2020 at 9:42 pm
It is so much harder with Covid 19. My sister’s partner’s heart stopped 2 weeks ago, the lack of blood to his brain caused severe damage. He was in an induced coma and then a vegetative state until this morning when he died. My sister and his brother were there with him for 10 days in the hospital, because of the lockdown they couldn’t leave or else they couldn’t come back. We couldn’t be with her and now that she’s at my mom’s house with her kids, I can’t go be with them because I’ve been mildly sick and whether it’s the virus or not I don’t want to take the chance to spread it to them. Distancing when someone is in a vulnerable place and needs support is so hard.
I don’t think that you should have gotten over things already. It’s ok that you still feel grief and loss for both the past relationship you had with her and what should’ve been that future relationship. Time heals all wounds, but the scars remain. My Grandma died a few years ago, after developing Alzheimer’s and living in a care home for several years. I miss her dearly, I think of her often and I grieve for the time that we should have together. I have so many questions I would ask her about her life, her experiences, her politics. I don’t believe in an afterlife, but I do talk to her often, sometimes even almost pray to her for guidance or help. It doesn’t make sense to me, and really it doesn’t have to. It’s comforting to imagine her close. In all honesty, I did this before she died, I spoke to her telepathically because I was a thousand miles away. I think it’s ok to incorporate your loved ones, whether they’ve passed or are in an in-between phase like your mother, into your daily life. Even if it’s something like I mentioned where I don’t really tell anyone about. It’s ok to not think about it all for awhile and then the pain of it all comes crashing in. Our minds can’t process grief in a linear way. The people that we love impact our lives in so many ways that we don’t see all at once. Sometimes the weirdest trigger will remind me of her, and though I get sad about it, I try to just hold the memory or the thought and feel it for a minute and then let it go. A poem helped me to think of the ways that people come into and out of our lives, I don’t know if it will help you, I know that it feels very unfair. And it is. But our lives are all we have and I’m sure your mother and my Grandma would want us to live fully and be happy.
Time is a tree
This life, one leaf.
But love is the sky
And I am for you,
Just so long,
And long enough.
– e e cummings
I hope that your mother is well and that you learn how to cope with your grief as best you can. Try to be patient with yourself.
Much love from a stranger.
Frustrated in Oregon March 3, 2020 at 7:42 pm
My sister is seven years older than me – really my first Mom. About 25 years ago she had a hysterectomy with some complications (scar tissue), which led to another surgery. Then it was clinical depression, breast cancer, bulimia, etc. She has been sick ever since. It’s just been one thing after another, year after year. I can count on one hand the number of times in the last 20 years that we have had a conversation in which she didn’t mention her body or her health. She hasn’t worked for years, doesn’t get up until noon every day, and pretty much stays at home. She can drive herself places, like the doctor or the therapist, but never at rush hour! Everything seems to be a chore for her, difficult, exhausting. I’m so angry and bitter. She used to be my best friend, my go-to when things got hard. Her grown children and husband walk on eggshells around her, as upsetting the apple cart throws her into a tail spin and harsh words and angry outbursts are sure to follow. I tried talking with her about it but she just broke down crying. That’s the most frustrating thing about it – she doesn’t recognize what she does to those around her, how we all walk so softly so as not to disturb her. I’m sure there’s mental illness involved but she fires her therapists when they get too close to finding out what the real core is. I miss my sister so much. It hurts and frustrates me to see her so frail, and to hear her whine about life. We live in the same town but hardly ever see each other. I can barely stand to be with her, and it seems to get worse with time. I sometimes think something is wrong with me, that I need to be more caring, more compassionate, more loving. It’s gone on for so long I don’t know which way is up.
Marlis September 3, 2020 at 12:59 am
Your sister needs a psychiatrist that will prescribe her some medications. It sounds like severe depression, as just bringing it up makes her cry. She is not ready for therapy, she needs some meds. Medication can help her be able to think clearly and get past the pain of it all.
Litsa September 5, 2020 at 8:07 pm
Marlis, though we don’t delete comments here, we ask that you please do not provide medical advice. I realize this is an effort to be supportive and may be drawn from your experience, but that is not reason to suggest it is “the” way to address this situation. Bringing this up and it resulting in her sister crying is NOT a definitive indication of depression. More importantly, even if there is a depression or other mental health diagnosis, research is very clear time and again that medication without therapy is almost never as effective as the two together. Firing a therapist that is making a person uncomfortable is not a sign that a person is not ready for therapy, rather that they need to find the right therapist. Though medication may be helpful, there are MANY considerations when navigating options and suggesting definitive recommendations without knowing a person or the details of their situation is inappropriate. As we say here often, we welcome people sharing their own experiences and things that have been effective for them, but not in a way that is directive and assumes it is the right intervention for someone else.
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Jennifer January 14, 2020 at 3:08 pm
My mom just turned 70 this past December. She was diagnosed with dementia in 2018. My husband and I invited her to live with us (2014) to watch the kids and spend time with them while I re-entered the job market and later finished school. We live 2 provinces away (2 or more days of driving). I’m glad she had a few very good years with us. We started seeing changes in her in about 2016. She developed some anxiety around cooking and lost the ability to use her laptop. I’m positive the dementia started then but she had no doctor. Looking back I can see the disassociation between her reality and mine. She felt fine so everything must be fine.
I cried nearly everyday for a month and a half after her diagnosis in 2018 even though I had anticipated it. My mind just raced through what the rest of her life would look like. She got the disease I never considered a possibility because she was smart. In the last 6 to 8 months she has gone from early stage dementia to advanced dementia. I have POA over her estate and health matters. I made sure to get those in place prior to her diagnosis.
I grieve all of her losses. I feel like I’m grieving in her place because she isn’t really aware of her state. She is beginning to show signs of neurological problems. I’ve placed her in transition care of a respite organization because I can no longer look after her. She is losing control of her muscles. She basically can’t relieve herself when she needs to.
I grieve her losses so much sometimes I feel like I’m grieving for both of us. Today I cried reading this post. I am taking an online loss and grief class at the university and everything in it makes me cry (this was one of the readings). I’m even grieving for the day I have to watch my kids (6, 9) go through this pain in the future.I lost my grandmother when I was almost 9 and my grandfather when I was 18. My grandmother was sick for a while then I saw the ambulance go to her house (she lived behind us) and suddenly she was gone. My grandfather to me was just sick for a while as well (heart problems). I actually watched him die which was an extremely short version of this. We were at the hospital for about 6 hours and I called my best friend at the time at least 4 times during that wait. Both of those events don’t carry a heavy weight anymore. This one I think will for a very long time.
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David Johnson December 19, 2019 at 3:45 pm
My wife of 40 years was diagnosed with bipolar disease 16 years ago.
In the last 7 years she has had 5 major surgeries and has been in pain management treatment for the last 3 years. She is on a daily regiment of hydrocodone and other pain meds, along with the 5-6 meds she takes to treat the bipolar. Her bipolar is pretty much under control….maybe 3-4 days a year she has a day that she is out of sorts due to this condition.
Her self image is shot. She has little self-confidence, continually second guesses herself, and has pretty much become a hermit. Her days are spent watching judge shows or Dr. Phil until I get home from work. She doesn’t drive anymore (nor should she given the medications she takes.) She is isolated in a lake community with few outlets and no real friends. Her social circle is me and one of our three kids( and his family) who lives an hour away. Our two daughters are too far away and dealing with their own issues.
I am grieving for her because I want a better life for her. She used to work and then volunteer outside the home. She had 2 close girlfriends locally, and a very good friend living about 4 hours from us. She has not been in contact with any of these people for at least the last two years. It is so hard to love someone, remember what they used to be, and watch them struggle so hard. I feel selfish thinking that I want her back for my sake, when in reality I just want her to have a life she loves, and is able to live it without questioning or regretting her actions and decisions.
This article and site at least allowed me to type our feelings that have been building up for quite awhile. I will continue to check back on this website and hope to find other articles that may help me understand and better help my wife.
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JOVIA NAKAZIBWE November 6, 2019 at 9:17 am
I personally I’m going through all this.I had a boyfriend ,we loved each other very very much,even up to now.but things changed when he was diagnosed with HIV,and found positive yet i was found negative.From that day he has been pushing me away in the name of moving on with someone else.He says that he values my future more,and yet it has been so hard.Its now five months but its hurts like it happened yesterday.I can’t seem to forget him and the most hurtful thing is that he still loves me as much as i do.But we cant be ,that’s what he always tells me. I’ve tried to forget but it always comes back to my head and my heart aches like never before. I’m puzzled,I’m lonely,he was my best friend,he would call me every minute of the day,he would care for me as much,he would ask how my day has been like we were each others friends but all that is no more,he blocked my number,whats app,Facebook and everything i could use to access him.Even at his work place,he is rarely there .yet he calls some days to ask how am doing and asks me whether I’ve found someone else.
Ashlie November 2, 2019 at 11:18 am
I am reaching out for some help. I am struggling with this..
My mother has been out of my life for many years.
6+ years.. honestly so much time has went by that I dont even remember how long.
I unblocked her on facebook because she was talking to my sister again so I figured she was well and was going to speak to me. Months went by and just a couple days ago.. I see that she doesn’t even claim I am her daughter anymore. I dont know if she is still on drugs. That was so long ago and honestly there is a lot to this story but is this what I am experiencing? Ambiguous grief? I finally decided that she’s not going to come around and she’s dead to me just as I am to her. It hurt and it really stung honestly. My father is dead, he passed away last year. Now it’s a reality that she’s gone to but she’s alive some where living. Which I dont understand how she can just write me off like that… I am heartbroken.
Natalia October 21, 2019 at 9:06 am
This makes a lot of sense. I wonder if this notion of ambiguous grief may be applied to me. My mom committed suicide when I was 9. I am an adult now, happily married and a mother to a lovely girl. After my mother died my father remarried and changed. I’ve felt isolated ever since. Lately he’s cut me off. We don’t see each other, he doesn’t pick up the phone when I call him. In a lot of ways I feel like I’ve lost my father. Like he’s dead. Only he is still alive&well. Just not in my life. It’s complicated. I send all my love to people who are in the same situation. God knows it hurts.
Linda Bernth October 9, 2019 at 7:27 am
I am so thankful I found your website because now I know what I am suffering from. My aunt, Sister Teresa (a nun in a convent in Pittsburgh) was always a kind, soft spoken, warm person that was to me more like a mother than my own mother ( my mother was mentally ill and never in my entire life did she say she loved me – she died last year but I felt nothing – maybe more of what I felt was the grieving over a mother I never had) On the other hand, Sr. Teresa was always there for me – I would call her crying and she would softly say “that’s ok honey just let it out” but in the last 2 years she has went from being this extremely kind soul to saying hurtful comments to me and when I drive all the way to Pittsburgh to see her she shoos me away after just visiting her for 1 hour. Whenever I try and come down she discourages me and says I was just there. I guess I’m trying to cling to her so tightly because she is all I have. But I think she is suffering from beginning stages of dimensia (she is 98 but acts like she is 68) – still walks up convent stairs, is as sharp as a tack and very smart and doesn’t miss a thing – I think that is why I am so confused about her radical change in behavior.
Yesterday after I got off the phone with her I started heaving crying and couldn’t stop because I called her and said “I know you’re going to get mad if I ask to come down and stay at the convent but I love you more than anything and I just want to see you”. To my utter shock she immediately said “yes” and said she would reserve a room for me at the convent. I was shocked cus usually she discourages me but her different reaction made me cry because she has been talking alot about death and her past and I guess I cried because I’m grieving her loss already but I never knew there was a name for this grief till out of desperation crying for her loss already last night I found your website. It made me feel like I wasn’t going crazy – this is very real what I’m experiencing.
So thank you and bless you for being there. I needed that. I will be driving down to see her in a few days and I will cherish every second with her.
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Natalie S. September 18, 2019 at 10:12 am
Thank you for this article. I’ve recently begun tackling my own trauma with the help of a counsellor and have come to realize how much I miss my mother. She is still living, in fact she lives around the corner from me with my step-father. She lives there, but the woman I knew as my mother hasn’t been around for about 20 years. When I left home she suffered from the loss of me. She became irrational, calling me upwards of 15-40 times a day on her worst days (I am not exaggerating). When I lashed out at her for her behavior (I was a university student at the time and couldn’t handle her mood swings) she vowed to never call me again. Surprisingly, she has pretty much managed to maintain that. She doesn’t call me to just talk anymore, she only calls when she needs something, or in response to my having asked for something. She had always been one to pit me against my brother, comparing the two of us and using guilt as a motivator. As we grew older, the scale of that manipulation increased exponentially. I felt gas-lighted by her most of the time, as she would say one thing to me, another to my brother, then she would get all jumbled up when we had her together to get things clear. About 3 years ago she moved to the same city in which my brother and I now live. I thought that would make things better, as we wouldn’t have to coordinate visits into the weekend. And I was right, at first it was a bit better, but the mother I knew was still gone. I’ve tried over and over again to connect with her, but she doesn’t know how to listen. I feel like she doesn’t care about me as a person at all, she only wants to tell me the same stories over and over again about her own past, her own experiences, her own complaints about ever single thing under the sun. Spending time with her is exhausting, speaking to her on the phone is frustrating. I don’t know who this person is anymore, and it’s hit me hard recently how much I miss my mother. The caring, loving, affectionate woman who raised me. She used to tell me all the time that my brother and I were the only things she did right in her life…a bit extreme, but it made me feel special. I understand now that I’m suffering from this ambiguous grief. I feel like I’ve done nothing but try and try to rekindle our relationship over the years, but it’s like banging my head against the wall. I don’t want to pretend that she isn’t still living, I still need her. My father is a recovering alcoholic with mental health problems that go beyond the alcoholism (likely are the trigger for his alcoholism). I have had to cut him out of my life entirely because of the verbal abuse, I just refuse to let my daughter witness or be a victim to it as well. I am an adult. I shouldn’t need the comfort of my parents anymore, and yet I find myself desperate for the love of my mother still. I don’t know if that makes me weak, or if I just need to get over myself. I just miss her so much.
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Nonna August 28, 2019 at 2:47 am
My daughter passed away 4 years ago after fighting a lung disease – she was just 35 – she was so brave and battled for her life to her very last breath -it has devastated us as she was such a power in our lives and still shines so brightly – however my son is now a drug addict on cocaine and has wrecked his family – he has 2 children but is unfit to be a father or role model – he is constantly angry and verbally abusive – awake all night and like a zombie most of the day unable to stay awake – I live with both the unbearable grief for my daughter as we were so close and I miss her every single second of the days and also the terrible grief of living with what my son has become and despair and worry for him and his beautiful children – this article resonates very much with me – I pray a lot – it is all I can do and take each day as best I can x
Veronika August 21, 2019 at 3:14 pm
I came across this article because at 41 I’m learning to deal with grieving my father who is alive and well. My parents have been married for 50 years, are still together but they’ve never had a relationship. My father is an alcoholic, a hard working, hard drinking man that nevertheless played with me, never read a book, admired me or gave me any instruction for life. He is a narcissist and has emotionally and verbally abused my mother as long as I can remember myself. On the outside we looked like an admirable family. But I knew better. Through a series of events, I found myself extremely angry and unhappy in life when I turned 40. I have an amazing husband and beautiful children and yet I found myself very angry and in a desperate need for a father figure. I’m now on a journey out of codependency and following the program for Adult Children Of Alcoholics. It’s been immensely life changing. But the pain is still there. The anger is still popping it’s ugly head sometimes. I’m learning to grieve an person who is alive and was never there for me as he should have.
Susan July 31, 2019 at 11:42 pm
First of all, my heart a goes out to all who share your story. I have read a handful and they are powerful. Sos grateful I have this site to connect. My mom has Alzheimer’s and lives 2000 miles away from me. She is in the End stages of the disease and I have had sad days over the areal mom slowly fading away. I now know I have ambiguous grief. I am sad she is not closer to me but that is not how it is…… long story. So, I give myself permission to have sad days knowing I miss her, opportunities missed and now gone, and the mom I grew up with is no longer here. I am working to find peace and acceptance over something I had no influence over where she landed. Thanks for reaching reading.
BrokenWife23 July 27, 2019 at 4:39 pm
Today is the day I realised that I have lost my husband, on a rare day out of hospital we went to a local restaurant, the manager gave us the wrong information apron arrival, he the berated the poor waitress despite my trying to intervene, gone was the loving, kindhearted man I had married and there sat a bitter, twisted angry and aggressive man! Who quickly snapped at me for my lack of having his back, I reminded him how would he feel if someone spoke to our daughters that way! He apologise to a clearly uncomfortable waitress and she graciously accepted, before we left I stopped her and apologised again, explaining he is terminally ill, he’s struggling to deal with it. But it’s still not ok to do what he has done, I took him back to hospital and I’ve sat in my car crying, I’ve realised he’s gone but still here, it’s hard to accept the angry man with the short temper when he snaps and our children who have only ever known him as a kind and loving father, I’m struggling to deal with the loving man that I shared my bed with, fathered my children is gone after having 15 wonderful years! None of this is his fault but how do you cope? I’m at a loss
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Sharon July 17, 2019 at 9:10 pm
My 47 year old son has bipolar disorder with some kind of personality disorder. He is living on disability and fortunately has never been into drugs (and has no children) as I can’t imagine the additional hell this would create. There was a time when we were very good friends, a warm trusting relationship. But slowly over the years (he was actually diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia when he was 14, but this was changed and I have to say, I don’t have a huge amount of faith in the way diagnoses are made and definition of various conditions) he has become suspicious, demanding, then threatening, highly delusional, confused, and is barely recognizable as the person I used to know as my son. I’ve had to take numerous steps to first minimize contact and now have blocked any means of contact including moving several hundred miles away, phone numbers changed and blocked, voicemail disconnected, emails blocked, employers informed. He has tried (unsuccessfully) to get me fired from my work (Ironically I am a mental health worker!) He doesn’t make physical threats (but makes vague allusions to violence) but has been waging psychological warfare against me for about 15 years. Every now and then I crack and think I’ve discovered something new that could help him, get in touch, he’s all happy to hear from me and within anywhere from one day to several months, he’s right back to psychological terrorizing. The last voicemail I received (You can block numbers but not voicemail which is why I today had that disconnected) went on and on about some harm he believes I have done, (though whenever I’ve asked him to clarify this, he just goes on some other tangent), how he has documents that he’s giving to the press, taking me to court, demanding apologies and acknowledging publicly to everyone he knows that I committed this great though unspecified harm, he’s right and he’s winning. He has quite an obsession about winning and being right. He has also threatened friends of mine and has been stalking a good friend who lives in the same town as him. Her workplace now has pictures of him on the walls so everyone knows who he is and to call the police if he’s seen in the vicinity. In the voicemail he said that he wasn’t going to back down until he had driven 3 of us to commit suicide. And he says it in a very calm though slightly menacing tone which is beyond creepy. This from my loving son. He has offered to send me severed heads of my friends, likened me to a terrorist myself, and in general wreaked havoc on my soul. Strangely enough, his behaviours are quite similar to how my mother was when I lived with her till I got away when I was 12, so I have long wondered about the genetic component. I experience anger, terror, grief, and unending helplessness as I keep having to learn over and over that there is absolutely nothing I can do for him. I start to heal from the damage and then something happens and the wounds are all opened up again. He is currently up on numerous charges but the legal system doesn’t seem to be taking it very seriously. He knows just what he can get away with and believes he is untouchable. I have created a document for myself with reminders of why I cannot have any contact with him. I also keep track of everything he throws my way. Other than that, I have a very good life and do a lot of personal work for my own healing. It is such a terrible thing to see someone I love so much (he is my only child and his father is not in the picture) devolve into someone extremely frightening and who I barely recognize and have come to fear and dread. My heart goes out to all the others experiencing similar situations.
Tab July 24, 2019 at 2:49 pm
Sharon, this will sound way too simplistic to work with schizophrenia, but it has worked for many…. research high-dose niacin (B3) for schizophrenics. Dr. Abram Hoffer. Orthomolecular medicine. He recognized decades ago that schizophrenia was similar to the mental component of Pellegra, a disease of niacin deficiency. My heart goes out to you.
Cheri Barnes August 17, 2019 at 2:11 am
Sharon, my heart goes out to you. My son is 28 and is very similar to what you have experienced wirh your son in the earlier stages. I have blocked communication with him for my mental and physical health. It breaks my heart. I am not sure if he understands why and I feel guilt sometimes that he feels abandoned, yet I don’t want to skip back into another emotional breakdown. I am having a hard time getting on with life since my breakdown. I pray for you, me and all of us affected by situations like this as well as the mentally ill loved ones. It’s at least something positive I can do. I am getting wonderful support from my Al-Anon group I attend as well as a few friend who understand. It’s such a strange thing, a grief that feels it will never end. Hugs to you and thank you for sharing.
GC August 19, 2019 at 6:27 pm
I am so sorry, thank you for sharing.
JA August 29, 2019 at 5:33 am
read the book ‘I’m not sick, and I don’t need help’. my son thinks I’m the crazy one. all I can do is accept his reality. I’ve learned to let go of what I wanted from him. I’ve seen him in the ER… completely out of his mind, spitting into the air then singing opera in a voice never heard before.. then something called verbal salad. He does not want me to know he’s sick, does not remember me being in the ER. I treat him normal. I accept his reality. And this is my good and easy child. I have a daughter whose mental illness is so bad it couldnt’ even be diagnosed after 9 months of in house, she is so smart and high functioning, or was at the time. Now she’s a homeless drug addict 3k miles away from home for 7 year now. It is for my daughter that I read this article. People really look at me special and judge me for my children. there’s a lot of misinformation of mental illness caused by abuse. All those memes that say if your child is bad it’s your fault thus perpetuating ignorance and displacement of blame and kids will never learn to be responsible for their own actions. I was abused severely by a narcissistic mother who everyone thought was amazing… and had to learn how to love. I was not even a human being to her from the time of my birth so mental illness runs in my family very strongly. My brothers and I somehow escaped this. so it’s been especially hard because my childhood I was seen as a bad kid and no one blamed my amazing mother, only I was to blame and boy did I get ostracized to this day!… and then for my adult hood I also get the blame of my children who grew up with love and were not abused… thus justifying aforementioned ostrication. It has completely broken me. I will never be the same but it’s okay to be different. I’ve gone to counseling to help me cope and in the process found myself. got a few hobbies (don’t get birds!). love yourself every single day. love him as much as he will let you. never give up.
Tracey Devine July 11, 2019 at 2:47 am
My husband got diagnosed with the worst MS there is. He went from totally normal to dead in 2 yrs. He told me months before he died to get into grief counseling. It was too hard to admit he was going to be gone while he was still here. Now I wish I would had listened to his advice. 5 yrs later I am still coming to terms & struggling with his loss.
Jenni July 26, 2019 at 7:41 pm
I am so sorry for your loss. I send you light and love. Jenni
Timothy Whiteley July 8, 2019 at 3:37 am
My wife has struggled with recovery and relapse over the last 16 years. I have never stopped working 2 jobs because she could not hold a job. She is and was a wonderful human being with a gift for teaching children. This year she came home and announced she needed space and wanted a separation and a divorce. I was devastated. I was because I love her still and I always will. She has changed so much because of the opioids. It has changed her personality and it’s as if I no longer know her. She has been on a medically assisted rehab this last year and it was a godsend but also changed her. She relapsed twice that I know of and then said she wanted out of our marriage of thirty years. I have been trying to describe my feelings and emotions to my 18 year old son and today I finally told him how much I loved his mother and hated her at the same time. I told him that everyone says move on but I thought that was not easy when you love someone. I don’t think it should be easy. It is sad and tragic and should be dealt with as a loss. I wasn’t too pleased with myself but want my son to be emotionally healthy. He cried, I cried and we told ourselves that is was ok to be sad. I miss my wife and I told him to bring me some news from her and tell me how she is so that I don’t feel so alone. She will not communicate with me. He stays with her and sometimes acts as though everything is Just as it always was.
A few hours later I read this article and realized this is what I am feeling. Thank you. It is good to finally put to words the feelings I have been having. I wasn’t sure how to explain them , until now.
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Shortydoc607 May 31, 2019 at 2:21 pm
I need an article about anticipatory grief when the person is alive and everything is normal. My brother was diagnosed with cancer 2 years ago and he has been receiving chemo and RT. off and one since then, He has not missed a day of work. He has told only the immediate family and only a couple of close friends.about his diagnosis, When I received the latest update that the cancer was still in his lymph nodes, and before I knew there were still treatment options, I just lost it. It was as if I heard that he was as good as dead. I wanted to just stay in bed . But once I heard he was getting more chemo, I think I slipped back into a little denial ..for now. I don’t know his prognosis but I he and I are both doctors and we sort of do know. Recently, a long-time acquaintance of mine died from cancer. When I found out, it hit much harder than news like that normally would , and I know it is because it triggered my anticipation of my brother’s likely death from this cancer…unless there is some miracle. Even my other sibs and I don’t talk about this much. So how do I prepare? There is nothing left unsaid and I will spend time with him as I can etc. Do I seek therapy now? do I wait till after? Will it matter? I have a history of severe depression . I don’t want to become dysfunctional if and when the worst happens
Tasha Wills June 21, 2019 at 2:37 am
An article on Anticipatory Grief was linked within this article. Here’s the link. Grieving Before A Death: Understanding Anticipatory Grief https://whatsyourgrief.com/anticipatory-grief/
Ellen Dayan May 28, 2019 at 8:56 pm
Thanks for this message. It helped me quite a bit. I’m in the middle of this thing right now, and this was a welcome guide back to sanity. Thank you and everyone who has posted comments. This is my story, too.
Cw May 26, 2019 at 3:25 pm
Hi, my brother has been addicted to drugs and alcohol since about 2001 and it’s 2019. I grieve a lot, because he’s not so functional these days, in jail.. maybe, no job, stealing. I find myself feeling down a lot lately and crying and feeling alone. Mom doesn’t like to talk about him, I understand, but she’s really the only one I can talk about him with. I don’t want to talk to people who will put him down because he’s my brother, he was intelligent and so handsome, now he’s so thin and last time I saw him he was talking about idk what. He had scratches over his body. It breaks my heart. I feel like my heart is breaking so much lately. I pray for him and ask Jesus to save him. It’s so sad to see someone who you love walking around, but it isn’t them. :'(
Michelle June 19, 2019 at 12:06 am
Cwif you ever need to talk , I am here snickerblossomgranny18@gmail.com. I have a daughter who is a. Addict currently in treatment. The hell is real. We become addicted to their addictions and behavior. I thought co stanyly for a year and a half my phone was bringing the worst news with every ring. I am a granny raising 2 beautiful girls waiting for my daughter to return there is hope. Pray and you may look into a program called Narconon it saved her. I mourned her like she died for years with addiction but theses last couple were the worst …
Martha May 11, 2019 at 9:28 am
Actually, I feel I lost the Mother I knew & loved years before she actually died. It wasn’t because she had dementia or was in a coma or vegetative condition. It was because she;d become a different person than the Mother I knew & loved. She died almost 13 months ago and while there are times I would love to be able to talk to her about something or ask a question I thought of after she was gone, I can’t say I miss the person she’d become & I’d had to deal with for over nearly the last 12 years of her life. I’d lost the Mother she had been or at least seemed to have been in stages. Perhaps my father had been right that the older we get the more of our real personality manifests itself. I also realize that with an IQ of 148, she was much brighter than the “average bear”. She’d was extremely creative, had a mind boggling amount of knowledge on a wide variety of subjects & was considered sweet, caring, personable, very caring, etc. Looking back, I can’t help but wonder about her. It was so very important to her that she be admired & liked. Sort of sad. But there was a great deal about her that was admirable. She fit in with other highly intelligent & creative people. She always had fabulous ideas & had a talent for being able to look at a space & know a piece of furniture would fit there perfectly. She could look at the windows in the house they bought after Dad retired, take X amount of material off a bolt, start sewing it & end up with curtains that fit perfectly. I was constantly amazed at what she could do. She was happiest when she worked with preschool children or was involved in a club that involved itself with something creative. On the other hand, I remember Mom losing her temper, throwing dishes into the sink breaking them, storming out of the house & slamming the door behind her. I realized a decade or so back that the reason I would sneak into her purse & put my own money in it that I did it so Mom could buy a little something she wanted. Because when Mom was happy things were pleasant. I realize she must have been terribly frustrated being a housewife. She would have made a fabulous interior decorator. She remodeled a little one bedroom cottage she bought next door that had only one small closet into a one with 4 double closets. She enclosed the front porch so it looked as if it had never been a porch. She designed special gardens within the fenced in back yards of her property. Berms were built, a miniature formal herb garden was created, a brick patio like area with raised beds containing flowers on one side & box woods on the other, which created a semi-private space. I could go on & on about who she used to be.
But as her world began to narrow because she no longer drove – a decision she made all on her own – & she became increasingly bent over from kiphosis she became more & more demanding, angry, hateful, verbally abusive. In the end she became her own worse enemy by refusing to go see her doctor & refusing to take her medicine like she should. That resulted in her ending up in the hospital, then rehab & the beginning of a 10 year decline.
Looking back, if I had it to do over, I would have done things much differently because I now know about things about which I was clueless. Do I feel guilty for making mistakes, some bad decisions, etc.? I would if I allowed myself to. But if I did that, I would become my own worse enemy because the guilt would cripple me & I deserve to have a life of my own now.
There are only 2 times in my life that I felt her hand on my hair in a gesture of comfort & affection. Once was when I was in my late teens but I don’t remember the circumstances & the 2nd time was perhaps a week or so before she died.
My problem is I am getting to the point where I could so easily hate her because of the God awful mess she left for me to clean up. She was a hoarder par excellence. She managed to fill up 4 houses, their respective basements, garages, attics, whatever spaces she found that she could “squirrel” things. If I were to pay someone to come clean the messes up, I’d have to spend a fortune – something I don’t have plus the special things I have managed to find (My dad’s letters to his mother-in-law during WWII, the basket my maternal grandfather carved from a walnut & other little gems) No money – Mom wasn’t into doing that. All 4 houses have problems needing to be solved & yards needing to be maintained. Mother said several times how sorry she was about the mess she was leaving behind. Being sorry doesn’t help or change the situation.
I could write about this all day so I’ll stop here. If what I’ve written is too disjointed to follow I apologize because I was writing off the cuff so to speak.
Robin May 19, 2019 at 9:34 am
It sounds like your mother may possibly have been suffering from narcissistic personality disorder. The need for admiration is one clue. NPD is very hard on people (and the people around them) and is especially difficult as they age and lose their looks and abilities. They often become demanding and extremely angry due to their entitlement. They want what they want and become enraged when they can’t get it. The rage can be internal and silent in more introverted people suffering. No one is all bad or all good, including your mother. Fortunately you seem to understand that although your mother could be very difficult, there were also good things about her.
Shannon O'Brien July 9, 2019 at 7:01 pm
As I read your message I also thought narcissistic personality disorder (NPD). I have had very similar experiences with my mother. Down to the kiphosis and the hoarding (though my mother is a neat and orderly hoarder with enough money to store the store and still have plenty of room to live.) She became so abusive to me, my husband, and especially my children that we are now estranged.
There are many Psychology Today articles and YouTube videos about NPD. I found a lot of help and healing by researching the topic.
Julie Baird May 4, 2019 at 3:06 am
Thank you for this article, it certainly has helped me not feel so alone.
2 years ago by then 19yr old son had a car accident and suffered a brain trauma that changed him. He spent a 16 days in hospital and over that time I seen a number of changes in his personality. Things a mum would notice,some so little that others did not recognise. At the time I grieved for my boy who was. My family didn’t not understand and I felt so alone at that time.
As time went on my boy became the new norm and life went on but I always had that grief in the background and knew that he had change some habits so he too could cope with the new him.
Over time I noticed more changes in him and 4 months ago I had to call EPS and police and he was hospitalised with psychosis. He has strong delusional thoughts about me and these thoughts have destroyed our relationship. My family was tight at the time he went into hospital. He is now home and living with me and he can keep his delusions under control at times but they often come out at home and he says the most hurtful things. They break my heart and I miss my boy. I know that it is his illness saying those things but it still breaks me. My family dont see these times and he can be so good at hiding it around them. I wonder do they think I am being a drama queen. I need their understanding and support but feel so unsupported because they do not understand or recognise I am grieving for the boy I do not have now.
I hope I have him one day again.
Deb B. June 11, 2019 at 7:23 pm
Julie,
I’m so sorry for the pain you feel. I don’t know if my words can or will help you. Saying that I know how you feel is probably the last thing you want to hear, but I know it hurts. You’re definitely not alone.
My son also suffered a Tbi/Abi. His was severe. He was 21. That was 9 years ago. I’ve been with him since the day he was injured. He’s mentally disabled. His frontal lobe was damaged the most. His parietal and temporal lobes were also damaged. It effected his personality and behavior. His cognitive abilities have been severely impacted as well. He can’t work or live alone. His IQ was also impacted.
He is no longer who he once was. The essence of who he was is gone. Not only is his personality completely changed but he no longer feels love, empathy, or compassion for others. He had been physically abusive to me starting 8 years ago when I confronted him on how he shouldn’t talk to me because I’m his Mother. Now, I let it go. I don’t react. He hasn’t abused me for 6 years now. Because I don’t react, it no longer escalates into him wanting to punch me or slam me into a wall. (Lacking inhibition is the reason). That’s what separates us from animals. Now I know not to react to his being disrespectful.
A hard lesson.
His inhibition is gone, along with self-control. His memories of his life are mostly gone. His auditory memory is shot. He’s no self-aware and has no clue he’s different or brain damaged. He no longer calls me Mom. He calls me by my first name only. The only part of him that remains is that he’s still very polite (thanks me for almost everything and can be a gentleman. (Opening doors for me)
I too miss my son. His appearance and voice are the same but that’s all. My son is gone too. His brain injury was severe and he’s plateaued. It’s been 9 years and whatever improvements or healing there was to happen have long past. He’s had neuropsychological testing 3 times since the injury and there’s been no change. The last one being a month ago.
After 9 years I still miss who he once was. I feel bad for him that he’ll never have the life he could have had. He was highly intelligent, witty, good looking and very caring and loving. Only his appearance is the same, minus the horseshoe shaped scar on the his head where the hair won’t grow back.
My husband and so I make sure his needs are met. My husband and I give him a home. We try to give him a peaceful content life. He knows he’s a man, so I treat him like one, even when he often behaves like a child having a temper tantrum. All I can do is be there for him. To understand that I can’t change what’s happened to him. I can only make his life comfortable and nice and treat him with respect. I’ll always miss who he was.
Family isn’t supportive either. My husband and I are all he has that care for and about him in this world.
I can tell you things like, keep plugging away, but I don’t know if that helps. There’s so many things I can say. I can say just be there for him. I don’t know if you believe in God or not. If you do, then imagine how God loves us, even when we behave horribly. Even if we ignore him. Even if we don’t love him. He still loves us unconditionally. That’s what I do for my son and that’s all you can do. It seems like or is a thankless job. No love reciprocated. But I don’t love someone with the stipulation that they show love in return. I love them regardless. Just as you love your son. It may seem like it makes no difference to him, whether you love him or not, but I’m betting if you didn’t show him love, things for him would be far far worse. You’re doing great in caring for him and loving him. Missing him is understandable.
There’s a song called “The Dance” by Garth Brooks. I don’t know if you’ve heard it. There’s a verse in that song:
“Our lives are better left to chance I could have missed the pain
But I’d of have to miss the dance “
You and I could have missed the pain too, but if there was no dance in the first place, we’d never have the pain now. I am thankful for the dance. I wouldn’t have wanted to miss the dance. I can’t listen to that song without crying.
It’s hard to know love without pain. I hope for you that over the years the pain will lesson somewhat. I’m hoping your son gets better. I’m hoping someday that you won’t hurt as much as you do now. It’s okay to miss him. I miss my son so much to that it’s indescribable. It saddens me. I wanted him to have a normal happy adult life with all the things that go with it; job, car, girlfriends, then wife, kids, career, fun and vacations. Now he won’t have any of that. I feel for him. Even though he’s unaware of what he’s missing out on. All we can do is love.
I hope this has helped you. If it hasn’t, I’m sorry for that too.
I want to be of help to you. To make it better. All I can do is try. Btw, your post made me cry because I could literally relate to how you feel and why.
Deb
Julie October 31, 2019 at 5:37 am
Thanks Deb for sharing your story and wise words. I hope that the day will come when my boy mental health improves but if it doesn’t I will still walk alongside him.
You sound like a very strong person and positive. I try so hard to stay positive but sometimes you have to grieve
Take care
Monica Dietrick February 3, 2021 at 10:57 am
Oh Deb, you and I are in the same boat. My son was in an accident at 16 and is now 36. He had a tbi affecting the frontal lobe. His cognitive thinking is awful. His decisions are off the charts. We don’t have a good relationship. Neither of us were right in things we did and said. Honestly I think he hates me. Talks terrible to me. It’s like he controls me. I would love to stay in touch with you. Cuz truly.. no one gets it. I feel so alone. Thank you for posting. It got my attention. Feeling lost and alone, Monica
Sue M. May 3, 2019 at 5:35 am
Wow! There are people out there who get this. Alex, my husband of almost 33 years, has been in long-term care for a little over 3.5 years due to frontotemporal degeneration (dementia). He is only 63 years old. I feel terrible about my frustration, anger, and rage because it pales in comparison to what he is going through. He resides in a good facillity, but I have expectations, not biggies, but still important to me, that they haven’t been fulfilling. It has become hard, so hard, to keep visiting him as faithfullly as I have been. I love him so much. It has been so very hard to see the decline in his condition. He is very physically healthy and could easily live until his late sixties. A blessing and a curse. Ashamed to even put that into words.
There is a whole lot more that I could write. Things have been very dark lately. But in the last few days, there has been a glimmer of hope. I don’t know yet what will happen, but it was possible to laugh, to take a walk in a beautiful park yesterday and appreciate it, to be thankful for good friends who are pulling for me, to realize that God did not cause this terrible disease, that others have it so much worse off…
Thanks for anyone who may read this.
Pen April 11, 2019 at 6:06 pm
I wish I would have found this web sight 7 years ago. My mother was in a horse riding accident, broke her neck and has been a quadriplegic since. It wasn’t until almost 7 years after the fact, that I had been grieving. Grieving the loss of the person she was before that horrible moment. I am one of two siblings, but my brother lives 1500 miles away, so myself and my husband were the ones with all the responsibilities tending to her needs. I also had two children in school at the time, and for the first two months after the accident I was physically MIA from my family, and I quit my job to be with my mom. No regrets of course, because its what needed to be done.
But for years I was a total and completely mess. I couldn’t fully connect the dots, on all the things I’d been feeling, then one day outta the blue I felt the grief, anger, resentment, guilt, depression, confusion, erratic behavior, loss of faith and so much more, that I had been feeling wash away. Since then, I’m feeling back to the “original me”. Genuinely happy… not the mask I’d been hiding behind for years. No one knew how bad I’d been struggling, and I didn’t realize what was wrong with me. Now I’m able to accept what’s happened and have enjoyed my mom and the time we have left in a whole new light.
Perpetual Pain and Fear April 9, 2019 at 9:53 am
This is the first time I have actually felt connected to people who might understand the constant pain I feel in regard to the ambiguous grief over the loss of my beautiful daughter to mental illness. I always thought we were very close. Her other three siblings all felt that I favored her. She had suffered a broken collar bone, had a lazy eye and had surgery, had to have braces, there was so much when she was little and I had to spend extra time caring for her. She was very special to me, all of my children are, but she needed a bit more. She became a difficult teen and put us through quite a bit. Over the years she had seemed to have matured greatly and my husband and I were very pleased with the wonderful young woman she had become. We were together almost daily and were as I said I thought “very close”. One day after a bit of drama, she was always very dramatic, she went off the deep end. Until then, I had never believed in mental illness, I still cant believe that I lost my beautiful, charismatic, fun, helpful, caring and loving daughter to such a ridiculous thing as mental illness. She almost overnight, became so evil and mean and posted horrible and disgusting lies about me and our beautiful family everywhere she could on the internet. I am still in shock and pain, the pain never ends. This all happened five years ago, she disappeared from our lives completely and continually tells people she runs into that we are evil and awful and disgusting people. It hurts so much to be constantly abused by someone I love so much and I would never do anything to hurt her. I just keep praying to God that she will be healed and see how her mind is lying to her and that she will remember the truth. I truly am grateful for the opportunity to share my perpetual pain and fear.
Beth June 5, 2019 at 9:03 am
I am going through the same EXACT thing. If you want to get in touch please email me at jacksonadams@gmail.com. i am a woman…Jackson is my rescue dog so I used his name for my account. I have a daughter eho is breaking my heart. Very similar story. Maybe we can support one another.
julieS January 30, 2021 at 7:47 pm
This is happening to me and my family too. it is so awful. I really feel for you. It is bad enough they have mental illness and they have gone no contact but to add to that all the defamation it is so heartbreaking. My daughter tells people she was never loved or supported which is so untrue, she was, is and always will be loved and was always supported. I hope things work out for you and know that people are thinking of you and know your pain and care.
Kirsty March 28, 2019 at 2:14 am
Thank you SO much. How incredible, just last week a student of mine introduced me to the concept of ambiguous grief and ambiguous loss. I had no idea it existed but I did know very personally what I was living. Living the loss of my lovely hubby. A kind, gentle soul, a musician, who loved me and called me his ‘sun, moon and stars’ – soul mates for 20+ years we shared our lives, hopes, travels, studies and then made two lovely children. Late in 2013 he began to experience work place bullying in his full time place of employment. I watched the man I adored start to shut down and become increasingly absent from our home and hearts. As he spent 3 years fighting the bully it ate his personality and took his soul – he slipped into a deep deep depression. The warm kind and attentive father and the adoring husband was gone. The man who smiled and gave thanks for his life – was no longer. The pain was excrutiating and I had no words to understand what I was experiencing. His health began to shut down and fearing he may take his own life I asked (and then begged) him to move in to his cousin’s home for a while and do some work on himself. By that time he had not spoken to me for 2 years and then I called it. He moved out two years ago. He has recently returned to the city where we live – but he is not the man I loved. He has shut down emotionally – he lives behind a huge wall and shows no sign of coming out. He spends time with his children but there are always fights as they know their needs are not being met – dad is not there. He has gone. This has been a horrendous loss for me and my family. I am so thankful to have some notion of what hell I have been living in and more than that – the gift of hope that if I put the work in – it doesn’t have to always be like this. Thanks so much.
Daniel March 11, 2019 at 3:29 pm
I love this post! I love the there is a name for the grief that I am going through. My mom is still here but after my dad died the mom I knew is no longer here. She suffers from a mental illness and I sadly don’t see an end in site. Its been a few years and not much has changed with her behavior. I went to a counselor after a year of it and he said I needed to grieve her and I didn’t really know what that meant till now. It always stuck with me that comment he made and now another year later its still in my head but today I know I’m not alone and there is a name for it. That makes me feel a little better but I’m still stuck. I don’t know how to grieve my mom who is still a phone call away. When I look at her its still my amazing mom that was always there for me. How do i begin to grieve her shes still here. Its great that theirs a name and I’m not the only one going through this type of thing but, how begin?
Katherine Keeney September 8, 2019 at 1:46 am
Perhaps you can show her you’re there for her.
Shannon Darby March 7, 2019 at 10:02 pm
I’ve been suffering this type of grief. It’s been a long journey. My son was shot completely through his head. March 28th 2016. Was not expected to live. I don’t know if it was self inflicted or someone did it to him. The doctors said everyday for a month his brain stem would swell and he will die. For 2 and half years i have been forced in a panic state. Due to not knowing if he would live or die. No matter how much you try to prepare yourself. You can’t. Every time I would get a phone call it felt as though my blood would leave my body. So many trips to the icu unit. I feel frozen in a state of panic and anxiety. He’s done well the past six months. My baby 33 is in a body that is mangled with spasticity. And I have no idea how much he is cognitively aware. I’m stuck in a nightmare I can’t wake from.
Sabrina April 7, 2019 at 9:51 pm
Shannon, I’m so sorry to hear about your son. I can’t imagine your pain and suffering. I came to the replies to share my story of my boyfriend, who was also shot in his head, April 2017. He suffered a severe traumatic brain injury and the entire right side of his brain was affected. He has left side paralysis, but is aware, can speak, communicate, laugh, and is still conscientious.. this all happened with time though, and he was not expected to live either, I never thought he’d recover even this much. He is still bed ridden, but we are working hard in physical therapy. He is a shell of himself. It breaks my heart every day. I know your son can hear you when you speak to him.. some days I wonder how my boyfriend would be if I did not stick around, trapped in his bed unable to move or go places. They need us, they will always need us, and they will always be deserving of it. Your son needs you, you might be the one thing keeping him sane for now. Is he responsive at all? Blink twice for ___ blink once for ___? Idk his level of mobility, but if there’s any indication of consciousness then there’s hope for him. Love and prayers for you, your son, and family.
Trish G. Russon March 1, 2019 at 2:04 pm
Your post resonated deeply with me. This is the kind of grief that one can feel as one’s child transitions to another gender. This is happening with me, and the grief is profound. This has helped me better understand it.
Not sure what to call he/she March 29, 2019 at 3:28 pm
My Daughter after 2 marriages and on her 41st birthday has told me she wants to live her life as a male. I am still in a state of shock and don’t know how I can respond to something I cannot comprehend. Everybody tells me, “be supportive.” My other daughter tells me just to get over it.
Worse yet, she hasn’t got the courage to face her father and expects me to tell him. She has refused to see me. Told me if I come to see her, she will call the police. I am at a total loss. Any Suggestions anyone?
Harriet April 28, 2019 at 5:14 am
Hi. I really hope that you are willing to call PFlag. It’s an organization for parents and family of the queer community. Many of the parents there are feeling the same grief that you are.
Linda Kyvik June 19, 2019 at 5:29 pm
Hello- I was an RN. My “daughter” transitioned at 17 to male. This is a “fetal phase defect”. They are born the gender they truly are in the brain, with the tragedy of the wrong genitals. Your son is still your child, and alive! Sometimes people do not realize there’s a word, or treatment for this”knowing” until older, esp in the past few decades. I researched this thoroughly & scientifically, and never rejected my son. Because he is still who he was, only his eyes are now sparkly, not shaded and depressed. I look back at childhood photo’s and statements- ha! how could I not have seen he was my SON. No words then for trans.
The genitals form in the first 8-10wks of pregnancy: affected by so many things- genetics, receptors on or off correctly, wrong hormones, inorganic chemicals, etc. Newborns have over 260 inorganic chemicals in their cord blood. The gender ID has been found in the brain, a white striated area, which is larger for males, smaller for females. When tested, trans people matched up to what the size was for who they stated they are. There is also no societal acceptance for them to state they are male, and remain in the female body. There has been found an area of the brain called the cingulate. It is responsible for telling our brain where and how our body is oriented in space, walking, moving, etc. This to me is what tells them no! wrong body! The kids who are trans are consistent, insistent, and persistent that they are a different gender. There is also the publicly accepted birth defect of born with both female & male genitals. Surgeons used to operate the baby into a girl as of course this is more easily done. Now, they wait to see if the older child prefers a surgery for change, or to just be “be left as is”.
MD’s know these facts- yet are cowards, fearing if spoke of in accepting terms, they’d lose their practice instead of educating the public. Be sure to check out any web site you look at- there is one imposter hate group: The American College of Pediatricians. They run a hate site called “The 5th Wave”. The true MD site is American Pediatrician Association. They have information to help you. I won’t lie, there is a grief period, including one for how you wish your child’s life wouldn’t become adversely affected by others, and by inability to have children. Your son is ALIVE and has a working body and brain!! Don’t worry if changing from “she” to “he” takes time & practice. Of course it does!! Calling them “a he/she” is considered very offensive.
I send patience and love, may you make peace with this change.
Hannah Z February 12, 2019 at 12:59 am
I’m dealing with this grief right now. My best friend suffers with depression, bulimia, anorexia, and all the works. I had to take her to the hospital recently and she was involuntarily admitted. She said so many hurtful things to me. She told me I was a terrible person, that only cared for myself and that I should walk out of her life like everyone else. I was so angry I was about to walk out. Then she said that if I walked out that door she would kill herself right then and there. She hates me for taking her to the hospital. Our deep friendship may never recover from this. She hates me but at least she is alive. That’s what I keep telling myself, but it hurts so much knowing she won’t see that I did this out of love. She may never see it from my perspective, but I have to be okay with that because I have no other choice. Grief is all too familiar for me.
Bronagh March 27, 2019 at 1:44 pm
Hey Hannah,
Im not gonna pretend that I have experience of bulimia or anorexia, but I just felt the urge to reach out to you and comment:
You did the right thing.
Sometimes doing the right thing causes hurt-to other and maybe even yourself (hating yourself for causing hurt, or going against a promise) But at some point you’ll realise its was the right thing to do. Making things right sometimes means having to do the hardest “hurtful” thing. Sometimes if you love that person to death it means letting them go-maybe for a short while-for them to get better. I applaude your courage for doing that despite, it meaning you had to say a brief goodbye. So Well done! 🙂 xxx
Robin May 19, 2019 at 9:53 am
Hannah,
I’m so sorry that has happened to you. You have suffered abuse at the hands of your close friend. The behaviors you describe very closely describe a classic case of borderline personality disorder. It sounds like her hospitalization was necessary. When someone suffers from bpd everyone they are close to suffers too. The good news is that there are treatments for bpd. It is very intensive and can take a long time, often years. If you can learn about bpd and remain supportive and in her life you may be able to retain the friendship, but that’s completely up to you. It’s important for you to take care of you, in whatever way necessary. You can’t effectively be there for your friend if you don’t take care of yourself first. If you need to let go of the relationship that is a legitimate response as well. Peace to you.
Tiffany Victoria February 4, 2019 at 9:20 am
Yes I’m dealing with ambiguous grief right now and i hurts so bad i just wish i had a rewind button. But its not for any of the reasons mentioned above. It because my boyfriend of 10 years has change. I’m not 100% sure why but I’m have a feeling he is cheating. So now I’m dealing with meanness, cruelty, manipulation, gas lighting, lies, and unfair treatment from him and and i no longer know who he is. The worst part is I’m stuck with no where else to go so I’m forced to put up with it. And i hate my life and have become severely depressed.
Tiffany March 1, 2019 at 11:26 am
Hello Tiffany my name is Tiffany also. And I’m also dealing with the same grief. I have known my ex/current/ex again boyfriend for 18 years now. I can’t say that he’s changed.. he’s always been the same prick. But for this many years I hung on to the good parts but now even his fake love for me is fading. Ive complained and complained to no avail. Today Ive decided just to grieve. To let it be. We have to just feel it and let it pass. Good luck to you. Maybe we can keep in touch. ?
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Vartan Agnerian January 18, 2019 at 10:46 am
YES ! THANK GOODNESS WYG IS FINALLY COVERING THIS TOPIC ‘ and grateful to all those ” grief friends ” bravely posting their various emotional testimonies’ Thank You for today’s therapy ….
I’m a recent widow’ after 44 years of loving and old fashioned romantic marriage’ and I am not who I was before being unpaired’ and nobody in my circle of friends or relatives gets it ….
Laura
Rebecca January 12, 2019 at 12:32 am
What about grief over a divorce? The death of a marriage. A divorce i didnt see coming. Although, in hindsight, i should have seen it coming as when we got married, we didnt stand a chance. We had no foundation to build on. No communication skills. We were doomed from the start. I didnt read allllll the comments so i dunno if this was already talked about.
Pam January 15, 2019 at 9:02 am
Rebecca, I am feeling the same – grieving my marriage, my relationship, the person that I thought he was but wasn’t, the future & the family that I have lost… so much loss. I am stuck in the pain. In agony. Trying to navigate all his lies. Thinking I won’t survive.
Jen January 5, 2019 at 8:23 pm
My little sister, who was once my very best friend, married a very physically ill man and I believe started abusing his pain meds. She became very paranoid and a conspiracy theorist and I believe she may have had something to do with our fathers death. She moved my mom far away, took away her phone and access to the outside world. I was diagnosed with 2 types of cancer and she convinced my mom (who is in early stages of dementia) that I was was faking for attention and money and has cut off all contact with me and my children. It has been so profoundly sorrowful to lose my family while going through this awful disease. We were once very close, although I now think my sister hasn’t been scheming against us for many years under the radar. I am so depressed from debilitating treatment and cannot fathom what has happened to my family. I keep trying to reach them but I can’t. My Autistic son struggled to communicate and write a letter to his grandma saying “I need you” but she didn’t respond. It is time to grieve my living mother and I just don’t know how. I am afraid the pain of all of this loss is going to make it impossible to heal from cancer.
Anita January 1, 2019 at 6:45 pm
8 years ago I discovered my stepfather was grooming and potentially molesting my younger sister. When I told my mother she initially took it on board and confronted my stepfather but after he fed her stories and pretended to try and commit suicide she turned on me and called me her enemy. My stepfather served a prison sentence for what he had done not only to my sisters but also to his daughters from his first marriage but as soon as he was released my mother went back to him. Up until the point when I had told her I had had a close relationship with my mother and siblings however since it has been strained. I feel immense sadness and grief for the loss of these relationships, I have tried reaching out and sharing my feelings, with my mother she ignores my feelings, I feel she is in denial, with my friends and husband I feel like because they don’t recognise it as grief it is dismissed and rationalised…. I just feel so sad and don’t know how to deal with this grief.
StillLearning December 30, 2018 at 8:52 pm
This is what I feel. My husband isn’t the same man I married. That man was considerate, loving, honest, and gave his family his best. Over the years he’s changed from drugs and attention from others. He now says horrible things, stays gone all hours of the night with people half his age (usually one specific female out of the group to ‘help’ until she realizes his truth), lies, and doesn’t spend time with us at all. There’s so much to our marriage that I could write a book. I grieve the loss everyday that I look at him. He’s not the man I knew at all. I’m actually contemplating separation or divorce. I know that will be straight hell but so is this. I think living with a person your grieving is hard because somehow you keep waiting for the person you knew to reappear. You can’t wrap your head around the fact they are gone because you see a shadow of them in front of you.
Nicola January 26, 2019 at 12:35 pm
I am right there with you. I’m in so much pain.
He shows no emotion or remorse and goes about his days with his soul still in tact, whereas I can barely function. I’m trying so hard to see, and keep seeing, who he truly has always been and not the fantasy I fell in love with. But I am aching for that good man to come back to me and just hold me in my grief. Stockholm syndrome…
Vince Brotheridge December 27, 2018 at 6:48 am
My name is Vince and I have been grieving for 45 years. My father passed away when I was 10 years old at Christmas 1974 . Christmases became non existent as I now understand my mother must have grieved alone at this time of year whilst my brother and I tried to enjoy ourselves alone …… Fast forward to Christmas 2011 Mum passes away within 2 days of Dads death anniversary, we think deep down she knew the relevance of the time of year. This year my father would have been 90. He is gone now for as long as he lived.
These 45 years, I now know I have been suffering anniversary / ambiguous grief also. Our large family of aunts, uncles, cousins stopped communicating. I have always been the nephew / cousin to go visit, keep in touch etc etc. How I wish to receive 1 Xmas card from my Uncle Fred who turned 80 last year (unbelievably his birthday is the same date my father died and I never knew). We went to his party, it was magical.
Mum moved me away from my growing up friends when I was 12 as she did not want to live in the same town where Dad had died. Grief for the loss of all my friends at that age. This is what I feel has caused me to be a so called loner.
I have never liked Christmas for these reasons and mostly spent them alone where and when I could, and I despair celebrating with my partners family as I know I could, and can never do this with my own family. I try to put on a brave face but deep down it really hurts. Grief for what I never had.
This is now getting stranger because my older Aunt is now in a Dementia Care home aged 85, and she always tells me I was her favourite …. and the youngest Uncle Ron has now lost both legs due to Diabetes. I am now grieving for these 2 who at the moment are still living and am desperate to see them more regularly than I can.
Emotionally I am so pleased to have found this website and now understand that my moods, depressions over the years have been some form of grief or another. I have never had anyone to talk to. I can talk to my Aunt now and am blessed that due to her illness the conversations are short lived and repetitive!
Life goes on, I don’t know how to not grieve but I think I can manage it, but sometimes it manifests itself at the wrong place at the wrong time, where I am expected to buckle up and get over it. Mum once accused me of being Weak like my father because he died young, this was uncalled for and now lives with me every day. Thank you for your time in reading this.
Farah Dale May 7, 2019 at 10:50 am
Hi Vince,
I feel your grief, I grieve for a family who I have never met, and have had minimal contact with all my life. Reading your comment gave me shivers. My dad is 80 and is now suffering from multiple organ failure, and is now in his final stages in hospice. I too have never had much contact with my dads side of the family due to time difference ( we live in New Zealand, his family in Kingston Upon Hull, Yorkshire. What really struck me about your comment is he too has a brother named Fred, a brother named Ron and a sister in care whose name is Barbara all around the same ages. What a small world we live in, and I hope your grieving gets easier with time.
Colleen mclaughlin December 23, 2018 at 4:13 am
I am scared of my son. He tells me fantastic lies .he denies he uses meth, but everyone tells me he does. He spent a few hours today. Jumped from one lie to another. I didn’t realize he was high. I was exhausted after he left. I was talking to my sister and told her some of the lies , mood swings, wouldnt really listen to me. I would start to say something and he would cut me off all he the time he was here. He even was bazaar , I didn’t understand . I know his eyes are very dilated. He told me it is due to his meds. He kept saying the results are worth the side effects. We haven’t been talking for over a year. He started coming around , I was so happy to see him. But again I am scared of him. He just got out of jail. I think he pretends to try and have a mother son relation so he can get Money etc from me. I just know after he left I locked all the doors. I am 78 ,he is in his middle 50s. My sister told me, he was high. I wish he would stay away. I don’t understand why he always comes back. I really think he loves me but I really think, he also hates me. I was doing very good till he got out of jail, he came to my house the same day he got out. After he left today , I questioned my own sanity. Telling me lies and stating most of the time that I was involved in the things he was saying. Stated one time when he was driving my car and a lady hit us do to sudden ice roads that my insurance gave him a settlement to give to me. I told him I have never had that amount of money he claimed he gave me from my insurance co. He wasn’t going to back of I could see him mood changing. I wanted to ask him why would my insurance give him money to give to me. But I knew he wouldn’t back down. So I didn’t say anymore. I was afraid it would escalate to something ugly.
Harriet April 28, 2019 at 5:29 am
Oh my goodness that is so so awful. I don’t know if you’ll see this but please call the department of aging. Please please. They can help you in all sorts of ways. I so hope that you call them and get some support. I’ll be thinking about you.
Brendan December 10, 2018 at 11:42 pm
Im 17, im scared of losing my parents, brother, friends but most of all im scared of dying myself, i cry everyday thinking about it and it makes my life terrible. Im not suicidal, i just feel alone already with everyone around except a few relatives that have passed. Why do i feel sad and cry, but have the feeling that if i died i wouldnt be missed, that i would be forgotten. I want to talk to someone about this, but counselors and others just say are you suicidal, or stop joking around. I dont joke on this. I dont think people really listen to me, its like it goes through one ear and out the other, without another thought. I go everyday feeling like one day closer to another death in the family, and another long period of time with that one special someone gone. I need advice, help or someone to talk to Thank You for reading, not many people do.
Marly December 25, 2018 at 10:38 pm
Hi Brendan,
I am sorry to hear that you feel like this. I do hope you are enjoying nice holidays with your loved ones.
Life can be tough at 17. It is an age where we are growing and developing ourselves, but things and peopel can appear distant or very confusing. I think every teenager feels misunderstood and like they can be missed.
I think the key thing is to focus on yourself. Find a hobby or sport that you like and become good at. It’s all about focus and shifting it on the right thing. Happiness comes from within, not from the external world around us. Also the food we eat is important to our mood. Quit the sugar and processed foods as this will only make you feel more sad.
Eat healthy, focus on yourself and be disciplinesd about a sport and you will see the changes that you will start creating for yourself.
Dawn December 28, 2018 at 4:36 am
Ik how you feel and you are not alone, I felt that way at your age and sometimes still do. But live laugh and love it’s worth it
RLD December 9, 2018 at 6:28 pm
I’m aware of numerous families with a missing family member. Their grief is also ambiguous in nature. For them, grief becomes a limbo state while they wait, sometimes for years, sometimes for an entire lifetime, to know if their loved one is dead or alive, hurting or healthy.
This is one of the websites I often refer families to, to help them learn to live with their grief on a daily basis.
Nicole December 2, 2018 at 10:32 am
There is also ambiguous loss of a child when it comes to parental alienation
Tracy Bannon December 3, 2018 at 11:22 am
Grandparent alienation also.
Cherie J Plante December 8, 2018 at 11:00 pm
Yes! Losing children through direct intervention from the other parent is so incredibly painful, I am at a loss to even try. And then there is the blank stare you get when you do try to talk. UGH
Had Enough December 19, 2018 at 3:47 pm
I lost my son to parental alienation and Stockholm syndrome about 10 years ago. No one understands it. My family whitewashes it as “a phase” (he’s nearly 30 now, so I don’t think so). Other people insist it must have been something awful I did. I rarely talk about it anymore and I don’t know how to broach the subject with new friends or dates. I find myself yearning for a simpler, happier time in the past–not that those times were perfect, but they were far better than my life now. I miss my dog, who I put down last year, terribly, and even though I have other pets, the old fellow I lost was my best friend and my last link to another life that is now gone.
After a decade of financial struggle and tremendous stress, I know where I want to be in the future, but the gap between there and where I am now is still enormous. I’m in a terrible limbo zone, and the light at the end of the tunnel keeps moving when I get close to it. I live alone in a rural area and sold my car to make rent a few months ago. I’m broke and was told I don’t qualify for ACA insurance because they can’t verify my identity. I have a lot of anger about the way corporations and the rich run this country, and my grief isn’t helped by the fatigue generated by working too much for too little money. I’m not suicidal, but I am depressed and bootstrapping it on my own.
Surviving the holidays has become my immediate goal. The thought of putting up a Christmas tree feels like a punch in the chest, so I’m trying to distract myself with movies, books, cleaning, and spending time with my pets. Ideally, my mood should be more internally controlled, but I can’t help but think a lot of my grief is exacerbated by circumstances, and if I could just make a little more money, I could get a better handle on it–get more rest, get the thyroid meds I need but can’t afford, take a vacation, have some time for creative writing, or just go to a museum for a day. I don’t like feeling such an external locus of control, but I do find myself fantasizing about a rescue, like winning the lottery or landing a big client. It won’t cure my grief, but it might give me a boost I need to manage it better.
Thanks to anyone who read through my venting here. Wishing you all blessings and light.
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Sharon November 18, 2018 at 8:15 pm
I met my half sister roughly 22 years ago and I have been in grief for last couple odd months when she told my sister the family could all go to hell. That obviously meant me too. I spent much of my free time with her and she was my coffee buddy. The grief has anger wrapped up in it. The day after I was nearly burned alive by an error of judgment (heart broken). How could anyone ask me to walk away from my whole family (it is large) for them? Sometimes I just want to rush round and say my thoughts but I know she won’t hear because she is only into her own pain and feels nothing to anyone elses. My family are sick of me talking about her but I can’t get it out of my head. Don’t help she lives only blocks away. If only she could have lived in the here and now and make the most of the family she had. There is no way back
SS October 27, 2018 at 12:28 pm
Thank you for putting a name to this horrible feeling that overcomes me at all times now after caring for my adult child with a severe mental illness for several years. I am so sad that the brilliant, fun, talkative, creative person is gone and I am so angry at what is left behind. I have fixed things my whole life , but I cannot fix this. As I sit staring at 5 bankers boxes of medical records, tests, experimental treatments I realize that I have failed but have no more energy to look further. Right now, the hardest thing is the pretending to the world that everything is ok. When I am with people who really care about me, I can’t be present for them for any length of time. The best way to describe this feeling is that I am standing outside watching my house burn down, and the postman wants to chat about what beautiful weather we are having today. I just want to scream, and scream. But when you do scream, you will lose your friends because they have never heard of ambiguous grief and they understandably feel that you are just an ungrateful friend who does not appreciate them. They say that living with the stress of caring for a mentally ill adult will end your social life and your marriage. I would have bet the farm it wouldn’t have happened to me, but I would have lost. I am doing my best to hold onto my marriage. We are both under this stress.
Cheri Freeman November 17, 2018 at 7:06 am
The part about your house burning and the postman wanting to chat.. What a good description of exactly how it feels.
SS November 25, 2018 at 3:48 pm
Thank you Cheri for validating my feelings, that I sometimes feel are crazy thoughts. I read your poem the Glass, so true and well stated. I hope today is a good day for you and your family, as the holidays are very hard. My best.
Kate October 19, 2018 at 11:06 pm
I am grieving ambiguously for a loved one who is definitely alive. I have been for many years. However, this is the first website I have found on the topic. I’m relieved to find. Thank you. I have had little support outside of therapists. My loved one and I were very close for many years. But, her choices have proved too much for me to understand or bear. I do not hear from her, though I reach out. She is caught up in delusions. She has become caught up in what is called religious bypassing. In other words, being in touch with her own feelings proves too scary, so she bypasses those feelings and connects outside herself to self-made perceptions of God. She describes herself as a prophet of God. She scares me. I love the person I once knew deeply. But, that person no longer exists. It is extremely sad. Thank you for suggestions of making a scrapbook. I intend to do. Thank you for acknowledgment that I need to remember who she was.
H.A November 2, 2018 at 2:35 pm
I am going through similar situation ?
CM November 19, 2018 at 2:20 pm
I am in the same situation. I have relatives who have gotten wrapped up in a group where the “prophet” makes all the decisions and one of the decisions was that they had to cut off all connection with family and friends. I don’t even recognize who they are anymore. Terribly sad and hard to grieve this situation.
Elena October 8, 2018 at 3:57 am
I am so glad I’ve found this article. I recently found out the truth about a dear friend. I wanted to believe we just lost contact over the years, and she just had t reached out. (My number hasn’t changed in over 15yrs) I’ve thought about her often and looked for her over the years and tried to find her on social media but had no luck. Last night I finally found out what has happened to her. I couldn’t believe it. I was shocked (denial I guess) to see she had an arrest record. Quite extensive for petty crimes, I’m guessing to support her addiction. Just last week she was arrested in Santa Monica, ca for sleeping in a public park. I didn’t want to believe she was homeless. Not my friend. The beautiful soul, tough as nails, one of the strongest people I knew. We met when we were young and instantly clicked. It was one of those friendships you only have once or twice in a lifetime if you’re lucky. The kind where you just get one another, and accept each other for who you are, idiosyncracies and all. We had so much fun, and grew up together in our twenties. My heart was broken to think that she was living that way. I’ve tried numerous times over years to reach out, via old social media and old emails, her phone was disconnected long, long ago. I cannot imagine how hard it must have been, how hopeless she must have felt to turn to that life. I felt guilt, then tremendous sadness, a deep depression to think of my dear friend living on the streets over the past 4-6years. After calling Santa Monica PD and finding multiple court docs I’ve come to learn she’s been getting charges dropped for time served, and sentenced to “permanent housing” over the course of the last 2-3 years. Now starting to accept the fact that she probably hasn’t hit her bottom. She most likely is nowhere near the person she once was, from all the drugs and living on the streets. And although it will never take away the beatiful person I knew-who was a best friend, she will never be the same. I’m still in shock. It’s like a bad dream, an alternate reality. I just can’t see her choosing that path. Not the girl I knew. She was obviously in pain and suffering, that is what hurts the most. I’m sorry I didn’t see it. I’m sorry I didn’t do more. I’ve grieved death and in some ways this feels worse because I know she has no peace. Everyday is probably a living hell, and there is nothing I can do to help her. She has to be willing to accept help and even then, addiction is hard to beat. People who want to quit have a hard time and sometimes backslip. She deserved better. My heart is broken. I wish I could’ve done something had I known. I pray she will reach out one day, when she’s ready and change her life for herself. I knew she had fallen on tough times becoming estranged from her mother and then her sister after her sis started using. All I can do now is pray.
Susan Benson October 2, 2018 at 10:46 pm
I am 34 years old, a wife to Richard and mummy to Ava and George. I was a lawyer but have been a stay at home mum for nearly nine years now, which is slightly scary. I have loved it and I would count it as a job because I have worked harder at home than I ever did anywhere else
What happened to me? I was going to say that I have recently become disabled. It’s actually five years ago now so it isn’t that recent, but it still only feels like yesterday that I felt I had a burst AVM. A lot of other people have explained it a lot better, so I am not even going to attempt if you want to know more type ‘Arteriovenous Malformation’ into any Internet search engine. In search for a better health I came across people talking of Dr. Kpomosa on the internet, on how he uses herbs to treat so many chronic diseases, I was reluctant to give his herbal fomular a try. At first it was like a miracle to me and my loved ones, I later realized that it was the miracle powers in his herbs that help my brain cells to function normal, after 5 years I now have my health in order, I now do everything I couldn’t do while I was disabled, am so grateful to God and Dr kpomosa, I can’t thank him enough so I pray his nature’s knowledge be multiplied to help reach out to more people in need of a stable health.
I want people to think about the HEALING powers in nature’s herbs, If you have already had a stroke then I appreciate this might be too late but carers and loved ones should think about this in case something similar happens or had happened to them!
Reach out to dr.kpomosa
mobile /whatsapp number:+1 (805) 246-9394
kind Regard
Kari A Williams August 29, 2018 at 8:02 pm
Thank-you for this post. My son. I can’t bring myself to share as I don’t understand myself.
Rj October 27, 2018 at 5:28 am
I understand.
anon August 29, 2018 at 4:06 pm
Glad I found this post, i’m currently going through this. My mom is 40 and she used to be such a wonderful, loving, and kind person but now she changed completely. First we started noticing she wasn’t being herself anymore, hanging out with people half her age, doing things she would never do before. She separated from my father and left me and my brother which was 14 with my dad because she “got tired of living the same life”. She barely talks to me and my brother anymore; only if she needs help with money or something else, she says she never has time for us but – is always out with her friends. My brother is now 16 and he doesn’t seem to care for her anymore because he said she abandoned us, never comes to visit or calls. I personally miss her a lot because we were the closest, I miss the old her.
Melinda D Scott August 8, 2018 at 5:24 pm
I am so happy to find this blog! I have been dealing with my Mother for 12 years slowly but surely losing her mind, and health. I stuck it all out with her, in fact out of 3 children, I have a brother and a sister, I was the rock always, always got along with her, took care of her, laughed with her, etc. So, I was the natural fit for taking her to the major surgeries, the recoveries, the her moving in with me, etc. Always was me to be counted on by h er and them. This last Mothers Day, when visiting her there was a blow up between her and my oldest Son over basically a d illusion in her mind from about a year ago she blames him for, that didn’t take place, she begins to tell him off, he can’t take it any longer and goes off on her too. I was in the middle and asked them both to stop it. When they didn’t I got my husband to break it up, but, it did irreparable damage. Me, my 2 sons and my husband got her bedroom door slammed in our face and no good bye that day. I haven’t spoke to her since. When I call, she won’t take my call, she then leaves it off the hook. Well now she has asked my brother to go change the POA to him from me, kicked me out of the will, and last week was hospitalized stating that neither my brother or sister can call me and tell me, which they followed that order and didn’t. My brother called me because my sister didn’t answer her phone, is how I knew about her having hallucinations, falling, seeing things, etc. she was dehydrated and not eating or drinking, but, in any case, I at least knew, but, he couldn’t have me go there because Mother told him I couldn’t be there. Well, it has been over a week, neither of them have called and told me how she is either. I spoke to a niece that doesn’t want involved. So, I began scared, went to anger, and over the 12 years of her being some other woman and mean and hateful, I have slowly mourned and grieved who she was anyway. So, now I’m upset, and getting better from all these emotions. But, now, add my Sister and Brother to the mix, and I will probably mourn them too, I don’t want to see them right now, if ever, that was a cruel thing to do to me. I don’t know if I have forgiveness for the three of them. Thanks for reading.
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JCnna July 13, 2018 at 8:52 am
I’ve lost my only daughter (16) due to parental alienation. She’s such a different person now & has adopted many of the same behaviors of her father (which led to our divorce) – secret online accounts to “bash” me yet smile to my face, call me hurtful names, mock & joke other marginalized people, get drunk, experiment with drugs, openly lie to me, & disconnect from my entire family – her grandparents, bonus dad, & bonus siblings, all of whom she previously adored. She’s taken so many of our conversations out of context to make me seem abusive, vicious, & cruel when all I’ve wanted since the divorce was for all of us to have peace & find happiness & hold onto the good. I’ve owned mistakes I’ve made (never with malicious intent, but moms make mistakes, even when we try our hardest not to), & even when her dad was out of the picture for 2 years, I allowed visits in my home & encouraged their relationship because I never wanted her to feel as if I’d withheld him from her in any way. Now, the narrative has been flipped & she believes his every word & im nothing but a shady con who lied on her dad. I feel like my world has fallen apart. It’s been about 2 years now & it’s only gotten worse. I so miss my kind, thoughtful, giving, compassionate, loving child. I miss the easy laughs & fun conversations & not worrying about her recording me if I’m sad, goading me into talking about things to be misrepresented later, or taking notes on our conversations & leaving out the positive things I say, just the “mom concerns” I’ve had that she makes into war crimes. I know she’s been brainwashed by her dad & that she (in her heart) knows his love is conditional on choosing him over me, where I’ve always put her needs first, even if it means having to say “no” to things that don’t serve her. But, him using her as an abuser-by-proxy & her seemingly hating me, disregarding anything I say as her mom? It’s a pain worse than anything I’ve ever experienced. I honestly no longer feel like a mom, just a surrogate at most as I’ve all but been erased from her life. I’m isolated. I cry. Meds & therapy haven’t begun to touch the pain I feel. My husband tries, but due to his ex’s addiction issues he’s got sole custody of his kids so he doesn’t relate to my grief. I just want to run away where no one knows me & start over.
P.J. December 1, 2018 at 7:27 pm
Hold tight to your perspective. Your daughter’s behavior is not of her own will. Maintain the connect despite the pain. You are the only one who gives her unconditional love. I was in your shoes until this September, when I received a text from my daughter that read “Mom, dad is a narcissist. He never loved any of us.” Now she sees through everything. She is in a lot of pain, and it hurts to see her mourn the loss of a father, but I am warmed by the fact that I have my daughter back. Keep faith in your heart and do not blame your daughter. She is a prisoner in his shadow.
Dolphin-Momma January 12, 2019 at 10:23 pm
I am also currently going through Parent Alienation with abuse-via-proxy. My 14 yo daughter is being allowed to live with my estranged husband without the hard parenting she needs to mature and handle the stresses and demands upon her as a teen under family trauma. She is being reclusive and allowing brainwashing influences online as “support groups”, which are more like cult indoctrination. My husband avoids conflict and parenting, so he just allows whatever she wants as long as it’s not his concern. Watching this go down has driven me to panic and rebellion. She is (and will continue to) fall into extreme conflicts that she will avoid and manipulate without healthy resolution. My job (as a caring, loving mother) has always been, and will always be, her health and well-being. It is ISOLATING. Are there support groups of others like us that we can connect with? I need sanity validation.
Teri April 21, 2019 at 6:57 pm
I understand your situation because I am in it too. Has anything improved since you posted this? I have been grieving the loss of my daughter because of almost the same circumstances since 2014. I have endured 5 years of malicious bullying from her. It gets worse each year for me. It is so difficult because I know that this monster is not the child that I gave birth to, loved, nurtured, and made great decisions for. Please tell me it gets better.
Anna Larose July 12, 2018 at 6:38 am
I had this friend, for fun we’l call him Lewis he was very good looking but also had this very amazing intellect that got you talking for hrs and felt comfortable like nothing I’ve experienced – yet -he may be dealing with things from his past and I don’t know if he’ll ever get out of the mindset
We no longer speak to eachother and at times I have memories of him and I once happy full of hope for a greatfuture but I feel like his own insecurities holds him back and he won’t let me call him up and help him get through things — I am grieving Lewis eventhough he is alive the fact were no longer and no longer in touch even to see him in the mall or anything just to see him and see if he’d come talk to me – I pushedhim away because I was jealous and hes easily thrown me out of his life or maybe makes it look easy but I still have his words stuck in my head- were only delaying the inevitable that’s what he said to me beforei for jealous and did drastic things to get his attention. To him would be unforgiveable so I’m likely not gonna get the chance to make it up to him I’m grieving the loss of someone living, I searched up thoseexact words and found you and my heart skipped realising I’m not the only one thank you for allowing me to share my story god bless you and yours ❤-your friend Anna E Larose
Silvia July 3, 2018 at 7:09 pm
I have had the sweetest loving mom who was also my best friend . I am 53 single with two grown up sons. Mom was healthy till 5years ago at 85years old, when she lost her vision and had to give up her home. She insisted going to an old age home, but I couldn’t bear the thought. I have a full time job, so got a caregiver for her. I watched my mom going down gradually and as much as I love her, I had little patience and anger as I watched this once upon a time mother who gave me so much love, now feeling hopeless and hurt at being a burden to me.
She is now 90years old , and had a slight stroke and is now in hospital. I visit her everyday, however she has deteriorated so much in these last few days that I just cry uncontrolably.
I can feel that I am loosing her and feel so guilty for the times I got impatient and rude with her. I just want her to come home and make up for it and give her love and attention., But it hurts so deep, to see her and see that that chance may not happen.
Rachel Laver July 2, 2018 at 3:58 am
Thank you for this article. I’m really struggling with this at the moment. My mum is 67 ( still young.) She retired at 60 and was really active. She did exercise classes, she was making friends. She was great company. She enjoyed being a new grandmother too. About 4 years ago she started to develop stenosis of the spine. My understanding of the condition isn’t too great, but know she developed it from a back injury ( slipped disk) The spine issue came along with osteoarthritis. She’s been in incrediable pain. I have been understanding! However about a year and a half ago she had spinal injections. I think she had a large amount of steroid injected into her back. She was not the same person afterwards. It caused her to have major panic attacks and she didn’t want to walk at all. Due to this her muscles started to atrophy! Her right hand is almost closed. She refused to go to the doctor. She wouldn’t talk to me…She has a partner who all the while has been letting her have her own way. So roll on this year and you wouldn’t recognise her. She’s on so much fentanyl that it’s like talking to a drug addict. She’s very nasty. She seems to take it all out on me. She’s had further injections and told me she’s never going to improve so she’s not going to keep apologising. At this point I’d only asked her how her injections went. The thing is I’ve had enough now. I’m now seeing her for what she is. Our relationship has never been easy. When I was 16 she walked out on us all for the man she is with now. Since then he has been number 1. Shes put him first above anyone else. Prior to splitting up she had friends but with this man, they’ve never had any. She loves my children, but just sits there, and isn’t good company. She’s obsessed by the way people look, therefore she won’t go out in a wheelchair. She’s just awful. It’s very sad and hard for me to accept. Maybe, as the article suggests I need to just accept her how she is. It’s hard when get stroppy responses. She has a partner, why can’t she do that to him? Right now I haven’t spoken to her in 4 days and I feel sad but happy! This whole situation is all compounded because I lost my dear dad last year. He had cancer, but even when in extreme pain he was so different. He told me how much he loved me the whole time. I miss him so much. So feel like im going through double the amount of grief. Despite all this I have a good life. I’m just very envious of people with their parents. I’m happy I’ve got my lovely children, and hope I’m a much nicer mother than mine has been!
Christina July 1, 2018 at 7:40 pm
It’s amazing to me how many comments this article has received. I feel like I am not alone. I wish other people weren’t feeling the kind of pain I am, though.
For the commenter “Melissa Rodger” specifically, I am about ten years ahead of you…being a mother is something that doesn’t end or die. You don’t need to rush or push…I’m telling you that you’ll always be your child’s mother, and that bond is astonishingly strong. It might not be today, or tomorrow, but you are your children’s mother, please don’t lose hope. If the only thing you can do is let them know you love them, that is enough. You’ll see. ❤️
Sara June 22, 2018 at 10:32 am
Thank you for this article. I am dealing with my mothers Alzheimer’s and my husband’s brain injury, which resulted in addiction, deep depression, and anxiety.
There are days when I don’t think I can take any more and I want to run away. I am able to deal with my mother’s problem easier than my husband. I no longer have anyone to support me, help make firm decisions, or comfort me. I want to treat my husband as the leader of our home, but the truth is, he is no longer the leader. I have been placed in that role. I am the one who has to provide for the family, make major decisions, plan and pay for anything we do as a family, and keep the peace in my home. Sometimes the stress is overwhelming.
Melissa Rodger June 18, 2018 at 12:33 am
I have been alienated from my 12 and 13 year old child for over a year now, my son hasn’t spoken to me in a year and my daughter who I had a few calls a week has just told me that she needs time apart from me as I made her sensitive ( This decision was made by her and her father) My children have been turned against me by their father in order to seek revenge for ending our relationship. I am blocked on thier social media and when they do communicate its only to spew hate at me. My husband said I need to move on as they will never be aloud to have a normal mother/child relationship with me whilst they are living with their father. I miss my children so much, I am missing out on watching them grow up.
Lauren F June 11, 2018 at 3:39 am
I did not realize there are so many people out there going through what I am going though. My husband is mentally ill and suffers from the disease of addiction. And my 22 year old son has schizoaffective bipolar and the disease of addiction, too. I have been in Alanon for 10 years, which helps with the addiction part. But the severe mental illness part is very hard to deal with for me. I miss both my son and my husband so incredibly much. I love them both so much, and miss the days when they were able to love me back. My son is doing ok now, and living with my mother. But my husband’s illnesses have taken over his mind and soul, once again. Everything I say or do puts him in a rage. He doesn’t look at me, touch me, and is unable to talk about anything serious (bills, raising the kids, our marriage, etc) without completely getting angry or perceiving it as a personal “hit” to him. He hates me now. And after he goes to bed I cry, and cry, and cry because I miss the man who swept me off my feet years ago… the man who made my heart skip a beat just by walking in the door, the man who was my soulmate, my lover, and my best friend. We have been through therapy, but he doesn’t take medication for his mental illness and keeps trying to self medicate with street drugs. So, therapy does no good. And, watching my two youngest kids trying to grow up with one responsible parent (me) and one sick parent who changes the rules, and his mood, daily is breaking my heart. I miss having him be my “rock” when I was having a tough time…. now, when I am having a tough day he makes it worse and there is no one to hold me in their big, strong arms and make me feel better. Instead, I stay up half the night crying until the tears are dry and I can’t keep my eyes open. Everyday I pray for a cure for mental illness and the disease of addiction. Because when there is a cure, I will have my husband and son back from the “dead”.
classificados gratis June 10, 2018 at 11:51 pm
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Beth Ries June 3, 2018 at 5:47 pm
I just saw this article & some things mentioned sounded a little bit like my mother. I live out of state from her & go home to visit once or twice a year. Last year, I began to notice some odd things going on & things she said to me that were out of character for her. The biggest was a conversation we had where she accused me of “being distant” and not caring about things going on in her life. Being that the whole reason for my visit was to spend time with her, I just can’t figure out why she would’ve said that to me. It seems the more affection I try to show, the more she says I don’t care! She is now 62 and both her parents passed away kind of young. I can’t help but wonder if her actions are related to her losses, even though it’s been 30 years since her dad died & 20 years since her mom. She is a very religious person as well. I now live in Arizona and she in Michigan & she doesn’t call me, but prefers email. Most of the time, she’ll just say there’s nothing to say. I am worried about her and our relationship.
Beth Ries June 3, 2018 at 5:47 pm
I just saw this article & some things mentioned sounded a little bit like my mother. I live out of state from her & go home to visit once or twice a year. Last year, I began to notice some odd things going on & things she said to me that were out of character for her. The biggest was a conversation we had where she accused me of “being distant” and not caring about things going on in her life. Being that the whole reason for my visit was to spend time with her, I just can’t figure out why she would’ve said that to me. It seems the more affection I try to show, the more she says I don’t care! She is now 62 and both her parents passed away kind of young. I can’t help but wonder if her actions are related to her losses, even though it’s been 30 years since her dad died & 20 years since her mom. She is a very religious person as well. I now live in Arizona and she in Michigan & she doesn’t call me, but prefers email. Most of the time, she’ll just say there’s nothing to say. I am worried about her and our relationship.
Althea March 25, 2019 at 4:10 pm
Hello, Beth Reis:
You mentioned that your mother has been acting out of character. Please look up frontotemporal dementia, the most common type of young-onset dementia, which is under-recognized and often misdiagnosed as a psychiatric disorder or dismissed as “midlife crisis.”
People with this brain disorder undergo a radical change in personality. The disease destroys empathy, emotions and executive functioning NOT memory, so it’s able to hide itself since most people think dementia means memory loss in the old, not a behavioral change in the prime of life.
Unfortunately, many general practitioners have no clue about this devastating disease. Try to get her to a neurologist who specializes in dementia.
KeenKat September 8, 2019 at 3:06 am
BS
Pay more attention to your mother.
It’s not dementia.
It’s loss & grief because family is too busy to care.
And has their own agenda and live in the past.
She wants presence of love. and isn’t getting it from her children.
It’s not dementia
My hubby May 11, 2018 at 3:37 pm
Thank you so much for this. I was thinking I was going crazy feeling this way and I makes so much sense. My husband, 2 years ago, had emergency heart surgery and had a 10 % chance of living. He made it but it’s been really hard. He is not the same and I know it’s because of his medicine and his heart being touched. He now has two aneurysm in his aorta. One doctor said he is a ticking time bomb. To hear that…..OMG…..my life, the person I am, and my soul has changed. It scares me everyday, wondering when will it happen. Even though the doctors have said he may not need another surgery for 20 years….but who knows. This is a heredity heart disease. I don’t want to live in the what if moments but it’s hard to do. I just need the support and someone to talk to and vent my wooriness.
My hubby May 11, 2018 at 3:37 pm
Thank you so much for this. I was thinking I was going crazy feeling this way and I makes so much sense. My husband, 2 years ago, had emergency heart surgery and had a 10 % chance of living. He made it but it’s been really hard. He is not the same and I know it’s because of his medicine and his heart being touched. He now has two aneurysm in his aorta. One doctor said he is a ticking time bomb. To hear that…..OMG…..my life, the person I am, and my soul has changed. It scares me everyday, wondering when will it happen. Even though the doctors have said he may not need another surgery for 20 years….but who knows. This is a heredity heart disease. I don’t want to live in the what if moments but it’s hard to do. I just need the support and someone to talk to and vent my wooriness.
Smith May 2, 2018 at 7:07 pm
I almost lost someone I care about to suicide. I showed her that there is another way but I feel like she’s gone.
Smith May 2, 2018 at 7:07 pm
I almost lost someone I care about to suicide. I showed her that there is another way but I feel like she’s gone.
Larry Craig Page Morgan April 29, 2018 at 1:41 pm
I fail my daughter I abandoned every single day but I’m too weak and a coward to do anything different. Please help me!
Larry Craig Page Morgan April 29, 2018 at 1:41 pm
I fail my daughter I abandoned every single day but I’m too weak and a coward to do anything different. Please help me!
Beth April 28, 2018 at 12:47 pm
I was hoping this article might address an issue I’ve wrestled with for decades. I grew up with divorced parents. My mother has undiagnosed trauma, hoarding, and mental health issues like depression. She was controlling of who I spent time with and what I did. I left home for college soon as possible. My uncle told me my dad has borderline schizophrenia but I always thought it was bipolar. I’m and my kids have little to no contact with either parent unless they have a health crisis. It has been a long process of grief from 18 to 38. I’m tired and done. Mother loss, father loss. Broken family. Lost heritage. The ambiguity of how to grieve the living has been utterly painful. I’m now working on a book to highlight this challenge as I seek hope to rise from the ashes. Hope is all I have so I do not repeat these mistakes and trauma.
Beth April 28, 2018 at 12:47 pm
I was hoping this article might address an issue I’ve wrestled with for decades. I grew up with divorced parents. My mother has undiagnosed trauma, hoarding, and mental health issues like depression. She was controlling of who I spent time with and what I did. I left home for college soon as possible. My uncle told me my dad has borderline schizophrenia but I always thought it was bipolar. I’m and my kids have little to no contact with either parent unless they have a health crisis. It has been a long process of grief from 18 to 38. I’m tired and done. Mother loss, father loss. Broken family. Lost heritage. The ambiguity of how to grieve the living has been utterly painful. I’m now working on a book to highlight this challenge as I seek hope to rise from the ashes. Hope is all I have so I do not repeat these mistakes and trauma.
olivia April 17, 2018 at 7:50 pm
I reasingly lost a step dad and 2 sisters we cried for the past 3 days we lost on a Sunday today is Tuesday
olivia April 17, 2018 at 7:50 pm
I reasingly lost a step dad and 2 sisters we cried for the past 3 days we lost on a Sunday today is Tuesday
d. jean April 15, 2018 at 2:29 pm
So grateful for having discovered your website. I’ve been searching for some supportive, helpful commentary on my particular situation, and this is the very first I’ve found that fits my situaiton. My husband has schizophrenia. I, of course, knew this when we were married and we’d attended counseling together with his pshychiatrist before we were married, and with two different therapists several years into our marriage, and before he divorced me, a little over a year and a half ago, just before our 32nd anniversary. We had a good marriage and two beautiful daughters. Although there were a few troubling episodes during the years, we always managed to work past them, until it became more difficult, nearly ten years ago, when his doctors agreed to lower his medication. I never would have thought our marriage would have ended in divorce. I never would have divorced him because of his illness, but he divorced me because of it and it was a shell-shocked, blindsiding devastation. I’ve experienced the true loss of my husband, but there isn’t any anger toward him that would be able to eventually be reconciled in a divorce. There isn’t the grief process of the death of a loved one that I can try to work though, since he’s not passed away and so I hang on to the hope of “his return home to me”, which I know, because of how his illness has evolved, will never happen. Still…I yearn. I also can’t explain my loss to friends and family because they don’t understand the feeling of abandonment I’m experiencing. I can’t explain to others the private words I shared with him in these past few years especially, when he’d tell me the delusions he had about me and the paranoid thoughts about me that will never leave his troubled mind. I pray everyday for his safety. I love him so very much and can no longer be there to talk to him, the way I used to, when we’d sork through these times, which I’d like to believe, helped calm his troubled mind, silence the voices, even if only for a short time. So, thank you for this article. I’ll have to search out more about “Ambiguous Grief” (a term I’d seen here for the first time, despite my years of searching desparately for comforting words applicable to my particular situation.) Thank you!
d. jean April 15, 2018 at 2:29 pm
So grateful for having discovered your website. I’ve been searching for some supportive, helpful commentary on my particular situation, and this is the very first I’ve found that fits my situaiton. My husband has schizophrenia. I, of course, knew this when we were married and we’d attended counseling together with his pshychiatrist before we were married, and with two different therapists several years into our marriage, and before he divorced me, a little over a year and a half ago, just before our 32nd anniversary. We had a good marriage and two beautiful daughters. Although there were a few troubling episodes during the years, we always managed to work past them, until it became more difficult, nearly ten years ago, when his doctors agreed to lower his medication. I never would have thought our marriage would have ended in divorce. I never would have divorced him because of his illness, but he divorced me because of it and it was a shell-shocked, blindsiding devastation. I’ve experienced the true loss of my husband, but there isn’t any anger toward him that would be able to eventually be reconciled in a divorce. There isn’t the grief process of the death of a loved one that I can try to work though, since he’s not passed away and so I hang on to the hope of “his return home to me”, which I know, because of how his illness has evolved, will never happen. Still…I yearn. I also can’t explain my loss to friends and family because they don’t understand the feeling of abandonment I’m experiencing. I can’t explain to others the private words I shared with him in these past few years especially, when he’d tell me the delusions he had about me and the paranoid thoughts about me that will never leave his troubled mind. I pray everyday for his safety. I love him so very much and can no longer be there to talk to him, the way I used to, when we’d sork through these times, which I’d like to believe, helped calm his troubled mind, silence the voices, even if only for a short time. So, thank you for this article. I’ll have to search out more about “Ambiguous Grief” (a term I’d seen here for the first time, despite my years of searching desparately for comforting words applicable to my particular situation.) Thank you!
Donna Dougherty March 27, 2018 at 8:58 am
The additional problem with dementia is looking back and not knowing when it really began. When was it disease or a deteriorating relationship. All of that blurs together and brings a mixture of anger and loss. Emotionally it is very hard to sort out.
Donna Dougherty March 27, 2018 at 8:58 am
The additional problem with dementia is looking back and not knowing when it really began. When was it disease or a deteriorating relationship. All of that blurs together and brings a mixture of anger and loss. Emotionally it is very hard to sort out.
Wendi March 13, 2018 at 2:59 pm
Another reason rarely mentioned in articles related to grieving someone who still alive is that on a noncustodial parent. Especially in High conflict divorce is where one parent alienates another.
Wendi March 13, 2018 at 2:59 pm
Another reason rarely mentioned in articles related to grieving someone who still alive is that on a noncustodial parent. Especially in High conflict divorce is where one parent alienates another.
Nils Samuels January 31, 2021 at 9:45 am
Thinking about this grief today, and, Wendy, I belong to this sad group. I see my kids only every other weekend and three hours midweek. Sometimes I get stuck on it, the loss, and it presses down. Down. Appreciate that you recognize that reality and hope you are in a better place with it more than two years on.
Isabelle Siegel January 31, 2021 at 10:25 am
Nils, I’m sorry to hear that you feel this way. Your grief is valid, even if it is not commonly talked about/acknowledged. I recommend you check out this article: https://whatsyourgrief.com/disenfranchised-grief/ All the best to you.
Aishling Guerin February 22, 2018 at 7:10 pm
Im so happy to find this forum .i googled grieving for someone living.im a mum of 4 children who mean the world to me I love them so much also a great husband .4 yrs ago my 21 yr old happy funny handsome boy became comsumed with criplling depression and anxsiety and is battling each day wuth this while on meds .he confides in me and im his rock so I recieve all his texts each day telling me how he wishes he wasent here ,this world not me for him how he cant take it anymore refuses therapy .my heart is broken to see him in such inner pain .withdrawn and sad .this took a big affect on me few weeks ago and I had a nervous breakdown through worry cryjng every day over him worring what each day will bring.almost like im grieving but but worst as it wont subside .as a result ive been put on meds ti help me though each day .i jumo when phobe rings always on edge not knowing what he might do. I do believe that prayer can help me cope .im so glad im not alone feeling like this ..
Aishling Guerin February 22, 2018 at 7:10 pm
Im so happy to find this forum .i googled grieving for someone living.im a mum of 4 children who mean the world to me I love them so much also a great husband .4 yrs ago my 21 yr old happy funny handsome boy became comsumed with criplling depression and anxsiety and is battling each day wuth this while on meds .he confides in me and im his rock so I recieve all his texts each day telling me how he wishes he wasent here ,this world not me for him how he cant take it anymore refuses therapy .my heart is broken to see him in such inner pain .withdrawn and sad .this took a big affect on me few weeks ago and I had a nervous breakdown through worry cryjng every day over him worring what each day will bring.almost like im grieving but but worst as it wont subside .as a result ive been put on meds ti help me though each day .i jumo when phobe rings always on edge not knowing what he might do. I do believe that prayer can help me cope .im so glad im not alone feeling like this ..
نکس لود February 16, 2018 at 7:15 pm
It is wonderfull article
Thanks for Sharing
نکس لود February 16, 2018 at 7:15 pm
It is wonderfull article
Thanks for Sharing
Sandra February 12, 2018 at 2:53 am
very good article thank you for sharing
Sandra February 12, 2018 at 2:53 am
very good article thank you for sharing
Sam January 10, 2018 at 7:27 pm
Thank you for posting this article.
My heart is broken for my best friend who, seemingly overnight, transformed from a thoughtful and kind soul to a manic, delusional person with a messiah complex. She runs through the woods naked at night to soak in the moon’s rays. She believes that the universe is sharing visions with her and sending her on secret tasks to save the world. She has cuts and bruises everywhere from running in the woods in the dark. Anyone who challenges her new belief system is “of the darkness.” Some people she believes are evil incarnate, and she avoids them at all costs, to the point she won’t go home because of her evil neighbor. She keeps saying that she is the north star and “of the light.” I was affectionately referred to in her new reality as “the rainbow guy.” I was in charge of making rainbows.
That was until I had to call the cops to remove her from my home. She was getting violent with my roommate and talking all sorts of nonsensical gibberish. I am scared for her and hold out hope that the person I knew and loved comes back, but I don’t know if and when that will happen. I hope she finds the healing she needs. Unfortunately, she refuses help.
Sam January 10, 2018 at 7:27 pm
Thank you for posting this article.
My heart is broken for my best friend who, seemingly overnight, transformed from a thoughtful and kind soul to a manic, delusional person with a messiah complex. She runs through the woods naked at night to soak in the moon’s rays. She believes that the universe is sharing visions with her and sending her on secret tasks to save the world. She has cuts and bruises everywhere from running in the woods in the dark. Anyone who challenges her new belief system is “of the darkness.” Some people she believes are evil incarnate, and she avoids them at all costs, to the point she won’t go home because of her evil neighbor. She keeps saying that she is the north star and “of the light.” I was affectionately referred to in her new reality as “the rainbow guy.” I was in charge of making rainbows.
That was until I had to call the cops to remove her from my home. She was getting violent with my roommate and talking all sorts of nonsensical gibberish. I am scared for her and hold out hope that the person I knew and loved comes back, but I don’t know if and when that will happen. I hope she finds the healing she needs. Unfortunately, she refuses help.
CL December 14, 2017 at 10:08 am
I was 31 when my little brother, who was my best friend in the whole world, died in a terrible car accident. He was 28. That was in 2002. My father died when I was 26, by suicide. Besides my wonderful husband, my mother is ALL I have left. But she is dead now – although very much alive. Mom moved 800-miles away and lives 3 states away from me. She will rarely want to talk via phone, and the only way I communicate with her is via Facebook. I write lengthy posts about my life, since she never asks. I usually get a “one symbol” emoji response. Like a heart, or something. No questions about my life, how I am, what I am doing, what I am passionate about, what are my fears…..NOTHING. My mom posts about how she would trade her remaining days to be with my brother but yet she won;t ever come see me. I even offered to pay her plane ticket so she could be with us on Christmas, but she did not accept. Instead, excuses. I am tired of being the forgotten child simply because I am still alive. Would my mother grieve me if I were gone? WHY WON’T SHE BE WITH ME? WHY WON’Y SHE TALK WITH ME? WHY WON’T SHE BE A PART OF MY LIFE!?! I need her. I am 45 and broken by this. The only one who knows how bad this hurts me is my husband, and thank GOD for him.
CL December 14, 2017 at 10:08 am
I was 31 when my little brother, who was my best friend in the whole world, died in a terrible car accident. He was 28. That was in 2002. My father died when I was 26, by suicide. Besides my wonderful husband, my mother is ALL I have left. But she is dead now – although very much alive. Mom moved 800-miles away and lives 3 states away from me. She will rarely want to talk via phone, and the only way I communicate with her is via Facebook. I write lengthy posts about my life, since she never asks. I usually get a “one symbol” emoji response. Like a heart, or something. No questions about my life, how I am, what I am doing, what I am passionate about, what are my fears…..NOTHING. My mom posts about how she would trade her remaining days to be with my brother but yet she won;t ever come see me. I even offered to pay her plane ticket so she could be with us on Christmas, but she did not accept. Instead, excuses. I am tired of being the forgotten child simply because I am still alive. Would my mother grieve me if I were gone? WHY WON’T SHE BE WITH ME? WHY WON’Y SHE TALK WITH ME? WHY WON’T SHE BE A PART OF MY LIFE!?! I need her. I am 45 and broken by this. The only one who knows how bad this hurts me is my husband, and thank GOD for him.
Shelley Wilbur January 30, 2018 at 4:36 pm
I am so sorry, CL. I don’t know what to say because there is nothing to replace a mother’s love. It sounds as if your mother is angry at life for taking your brother from her and punishing everyone who is still alive. But all you feel, and justifiably so, is a yearning for her love. My mother did the same with me in the last years of her life. Is there a significant other in your life with whom you can share your Grief? It is important for healing that we have someone with whom we are close; someone who will hold us when we need it; a shoulder to cry on. I will be thinking of you…
Shelley Wilbur January 30, 2018 at 4:50 pm
I replied a little while ago to your post. I missed the last line in which you say thank God for your husband. I am happy you have a shoulder to cry on.
Shelley Wilbur January 30, 2018 at 4:51 pm
I replied a little while ago to your post. I missed the last line in which you say thank God for your husband. I am happy you have a shoulder to cry on. Do you ever feel as if your mother favored your brother because he was a boy?
Momo7 December 10, 2017 at 12:19 am
We old aged mentally and physically very very sick unresourceful parents living as dependant with our married son, his wife and gran dhildrens very happily since last fifteen years. My mental sickness started four years ago which badly effected my physical health, I had both eye catracted, Gulucoma and then sevre dried eyes plus other digestions and blood clott etc problems mostly due side effects of medicines. Now my mental sickness is treatment resistant as no medicines , Therepy even ECT not working, Anyway, since last three months all of a sudden, my married son, his wife and kid stopped talking to both of us parents without giving any reason…… my wife also got dipressed and physicaly sick with Nuoralgia facial nurve pain due sevre stress. My sleep gone and I can’t sleep for days… we both failed to cope with this unexpected painful situation. All our efforts to talk with son are failed due his total denial. With others we have limited formal community action as we still live with them. This situation created humiliation, grief, hopelessness, helpless ness, worthless ness, guilt, grief, fear anxiety, Dipression and 24/7 stress and anger which can not be express nor anyone recognizes theses things in house. No one seems bothered about our health or needs, particularly emotional needs of land be, attachments, care, passion and attention. All gone. We have no way out or in. Provocation may result in our further agony… so trying to be patient before he kicked us out of his house. … in the light of your blog…. keeping in view our grief agony and miserable life situation warranted to what situation ahead. We are alive, our son is alive but we are grieving 24/7. All other relation ships are cut off due our sickness and isolation…. we are also not able to speak to anyone nor wants to, as it is our family respect and it may not be helpful if any outsider is informed or involved. Don’t know what to do? Every day we both old parents are like dyeing and keeping quite.
May be some other points I missed to remember and write here but I tried all detailed info so you can understand where we stand and what help n advice is available to us. We have limitations to go for counseling or other visits due hndicapmlike situation for us… I may explain it later but we can not go for counseling out or Therepy etc.
Momo7 December 10, 2017 at 12:19 am
We old aged mentally and physically very very sick unresourceful parents living as dependant with our married son, his wife and gran dhildrens very happily since last fifteen years. My mental sickness started four years ago which badly effected my physical health, I had both eye catracted, Gulucoma and then sevre dried eyes plus other digestions and blood clott etc problems mostly due side effects of medicines. Now my mental sickness is treatment resistant as no medicines , Therepy even ECT not working, Anyway, since last three months all of a sudden, my married son, his wife and kid stopped talking to both of us parents without giving any reason…… my wife also got dipressed and physicaly sick with Nuoralgia facial nurve pain due sevre stress. My sleep gone and I can’t sleep for days… we both failed to cope with this unexpected painful situation. All our efforts to talk with son are failed due his total denial. With others we have limited formal community action as we still live with them. This situation created humiliation, grief, hopelessness, helpless ness, worthless ness, guilt, grief, fear anxiety, Dipression and 24/7 stress and anger which can not be express nor anyone recognizes theses things in house. No one seems bothered about our health or needs, particularly emotional needs of land be, attachments, care, passion and attention. All gone. We have no way out or in. Provocation may result in our further agony… so trying to be patient before he kicked us out of his house. … in the light of your blog…. keeping in view our grief agony and miserable life situation warranted to what situation ahead. We are alive, our son is alive but we are grieving 24/7. All other relation ships are cut off due our sickness and isolation…. we are also not able to speak to anyone nor wants to, as it is our family respect and it may not be helpful if any outsider is informed or involved. Don’t know what to do? Every day we both old parents are like dyeing and keeping quite.
May be some other points I missed to remember and write here but I tried all detailed info so you can understand where we stand and what help n advice is available to us. We have limitations to go for counseling or other visits due hndicapmlike situation for us… I may explain it later but we can not go for counseling out or Therepy etc.
Melodie February 20, 2018 at 3:56 pm
I am so sorry that you are dealing with that. You matter so much and you are enough. You and your wife are enough, and I am so sorry for the circumstances that has occurred.
Elisha November 24, 2017 at 8:18 am
My husband had an aneurysm rupture which left him very confused and unable to form new memories or make decisions for himself. Everyone tells me that at least he’s alive. But it’s not him.
I have this overwhelming sense of sadness that never goes away. I miss my best friend. I miss my life. I miss just having someone to hold me at night.
The day to day is so draining. I love him so much and keep hoping he will come back but I am losing hope. My heart hurts and I just don’t know what to do.
Elisha November 24, 2017 at 8:18 am
My husband had an aneurysm rupture which left him very confused and unable to form new memories or make decisions for himself. Everyone tells me that at least he’s alive. But it’s not him.
I have this overwhelming sense of sadness that never goes away. I miss my best friend. I miss my life. I miss just having someone to hold me at night.
The day to day is so draining. I love him so much and keep hoping he will come back but I am losing hope. My heart hurts and I just don’t know what to do.
Kristin December 28, 2018 at 5:10 pm
I feel your pain. My husband was in a traumatic accident while we were on a vacation celebrating our marriage and life on October 1st. He fell over 20 feet and suffered from a sever TBI. He is now partially blind and is still early on in his healing stages. I miss him so greatly. During the first months of his healing I was so much happier just because he was alive and I could lay by his side while he was in a coma- watching him come to life each day. Then he went to rehab and truly came back to life. He still has so long to go. His memory is coming back very slowly but gets confused very easily. His eye sight does not help with this matter. His normal happy, joking personality is no longer there and replaced with a sad and hateful attitude. My best friend who loved more than life itself is no longer there. The person that would tickle me until I couldn’t breathe to ensure he got a smile out of me before we went to sleep always now gets angry if I get close to him in bed. He gets short tempered with our three children whom he adored. I just want to know if I will ever get the person I fell so deeply in love with back again.
AngelBud November 21, 2017 at 2:55 am
I am crying so hard tonight. I, just, wow. The man I love and married is gone. He was my angel, my saving grace, while I was bed-ridden for 5 years. Altho bed-ridden my mind was sharp so I taught us homesteading, we had laughs, shared ER date nights, altho I suffered physically and almost did not make it, he was by my side and I always tried to smile and enjoy our lives—what we had left. Well, Oct 2016, I got the clear from Drs, I had reversed a failing liver, quieted an autoimmune disease, all that was killing me, I had turned around with natural remedies and the Drs were shocked! I was elated, finally! I can walk and talk normal, finally I can be outside, not bed-ridden, not barely able to eat. That’s when my Husband passed away and in his place is a abusive and violent…thing.
It started with verbal abuses I brushed off as stress…..but that escalated into me trying to please him in every way more and more. That did not calm this new thing. Over the course of a year I would be subjected to abuses and violence I never imagined him capable of. The new thing did not acknowledge what he has done, said or anything at all. He shows signs of borderline personality disorder, delusional, hallucinating (hears voices his whole life actually)…since he will not go to Dr, I am left trying to figure it out. I have a lifetime experince with mental twisted and ill people and studied in College. So, thats what I can say: Cluster B personality disorder. Very scary, my Husband is (emotionally) dead to me now.
This thing is so evil and powerful, he threated suicide/homicide on me, my parents then himself several times. Loaded riffles became his ‘thing’ and all the while nothing I say, do or cry changes him. And then he blames me—for it, or plays he cannot remember, I dunno. It drove me away for my life and our unborn childs life. I am now 19 weeks pregnant and mourning my husband in another new state, safehouse without anything but my backpack, memories, and my baby within. I had to leave my homestead behind, accept my Husband is gone and never returning. I tried for that year to help, but as he stated: I am not sick, you are.
I am mourning my best friend, my love, my Husband who was so very special and beyond loving while I was crippled. But as a strong healthy woman, he cannot handle without abuse and violence. I have a life to build now from the ground up with nothing—family and friends turned their backs on me, too. So, I literally, have no ground to stand on. Luckily after being homeless for 2 weeks, I did find this safehouse—but nothing will ever compare to my homestead with my Husband, RIP. I am so broken, but strong enough to keep pushing forward and fill my days with building my life, therapy, crying, trying to be good to myself and well…mourning. If I don;t move I will sink, so I always will move forward, but damn, this hurts to my core and he won’t stop abusing me via text or email. One line he is missing me, the next line this is all my fault, next our homestead needs me, then it’s my hormones that crashed us….for a year, my pregnancy hormones did this? Where are you! No one is pregnant for a year :*( I pulled riffles on me, I did this? The insanity hurts so much, but I have compassion now that I am safe—His body is there, but he is gone, the last few months I saw, his eyes were gone, his spirit gone, he is dead inside. And what is worse, is, I cannot help him—no one can. And he refuses to try….RIP.
AngelBud November 21, 2017 at 2:55 am
I am crying so hard tonight. I, just, wow. The man I love and married is gone. He was my angel, my saving grace, while I was bed-ridden for 5 years. Altho bed-ridden my mind was sharp so I taught us homesteading, we had laughs, shared ER date nights, altho I suffered physically and almost did not make it, he was by my side and I always tried to smile and enjoy our lives—what we had left. Well, Oct 2016, I got the clear from Drs, I had reversed a failing liver, quieted an autoimmune disease, all that was killing me, I had turned around with natural remedies and the Drs were shocked! I was elated, finally! I can walk and talk normal, finally I can be outside, not bed-ridden, not barely able to eat. That’s when my Husband passed away and in his place is a abusive and violent…thing.
It started with verbal abuses I brushed off as stress…..but that escalated into me trying to please him in every way more and more. That did not calm this new thing. Over the course of a year I would be subjected to abuses and violence I never imagined him capable of. The new thing did not acknowledge what he has done, said or anything at all. He shows signs of borderline personality disorder, delusional, hallucinating (hears voices his whole life actually)…since he will not go to Dr, I am left trying to figure it out. I have a lifetime experince with mental twisted and ill people and studied in College. So, thats what I can say: Cluster B personality disorder. Very scary, my Husband is (emotionally) dead to me now.
This thing is so evil and powerful, he threated suicide/homicide on me, my parents then himself several times. Loaded riffles became his ‘thing’ and all the while nothing I say, do or cry changes him. And then he blames me—for it, or plays he cannot remember, I dunno. It drove me away for my life and our unborn childs life. I am now 19 weeks pregnant and mourning my husband in another new state, safehouse without anything but my backpack, memories, and my baby within. I had to leave my homestead behind, accept my Husband is gone and never returning. I tried for that year to help, but as he stated: I am not sick, you are.
I am mourning my best friend, my love, my Husband who was so very special and beyond loving while I was crippled. But as a strong healthy woman, he cannot handle without abuse and violence. I have a life to build now from the ground up with nothing—family and friends turned their backs on me, too. So, I literally, have no ground to stand on. Luckily after being homeless for 2 weeks, I did find this safehouse—but nothing will ever compare to my homestead with my Husband, RIP. I am so broken, but strong enough to keep pushing forward and fill my days with building my life, therapy, crying, trying to be good to myself and well…mourning. If I don;t move I will sink, so I always will move forward, but damn, this hurts to my core and he won’t stop abusing me via text or email. One line he is missing me, the next line this is all my fault, next our homestead needs me, then it’s my hormones that crashed us….for a year, my pregnancy hormones did this? Where are you! No one is pregnant for a year :*( I pulled riffles on me, I did this? The insanity hurts so much, but I have compassion now that I am safe—His body is there, but he is gone, the last few months I saw, his eyes were gone, his spirit gone, he is dead inside. And what is worse, is, I cannot help him—no one can. And he refuses to try….RIP.
Lee November 15, 2017 at 8:55 pm
I am feeling overwhelming grief today and days before and probably into some point of the future. I don’t have a SO with a debilitating injury, or mental illness, so I feel like my grief isn’t validated.
It had been brought to my attention before that my SO felt a lack of interest in gender and was comfortable with she/her and they/them pronouns but didn’t really care. We also discussed the idea that there may be a name change. I brushed it off because the discussion ended that it wasn’t going to happen any time soon. This was months ago, and wasn’t mentioned to me again until yesterday.
Out of nowhere it was dropped on my lap that a name change and pronoun change is happening in the near future and a name is being decided on in a day. I was caught totally off guard and I don’t really understand the concepts of changing names and pronouns because I haven’t experienced it myself, I do support people who need to make these changes I just have a hard time grasping these abstract concepts. And I feel like I am now grieving the loss of a relationship that I have taken care to build to be strong. As much as I wish that it didn’t cause such an impact as I am not opposed to someone living as their truest self. I was not anticipating the crushing grief I would feel knowing that the person I fell in love with is going to fundamentally change.
Months upon months of building an emotional connection with someone with a specific name, was a huge milestone for me. My brain doesn’t make emotional connections well and I don’t pick up on social cues. So to develop an interwoven and deep romantic relationship and spending countless hours building something that felt like the truest love I have ever experienced feels crushed by a small change. I know my brain struggles with change and emotional connections so I know why I am feeling this grief. I just wish it wasn’t there. I wish I didn’t care as much as I do. And I wish I didn’t feel this shitty about it. I feel selfish and horrible for grieving a dead name when I know that my SO has to make these changes to be their best self. But no matter how hard I try to understand it I’m struggling. And no matter how hard I try to not feel this way, I feel like I am losing the one person I care about the most.
Names are just words, they shouldn’t be that big of a deal, but they truly are and I didn’t think to be so deeply impacted by it until I am experiencing it now. I want the grief to go away and I don’t want to feel the depression and sadness and mourning that I feel for this person that is still alive. I wish I felt like I still knew this person and loved them unconditionally but now I feel like I have a stranger. I feel like I have wasted all these months building a connection that my brain has now lost somewhere in my head because of something as trivial as a name.
This probably makes no sense because I am upset while writing this. And its also worth noting that I am on the autism spectrum so my brain makes poor social connections or does so very slow. It has taken me a long time to learn grief and sadness, and I still struggle articulating what feelings I have when I don’t know the name of them. This web page is the closest I have come to identifying my feelings.
Lee November 15, 2017 at 8:55 pm
I am feeling overwhelming grief today and days before and probably into some point of the future. I don’t have a SO with a debilitating injury, or mental illness, so I feel like my grief isn’t validated.
It had been brought to my attention before that my SO felt a lack of interest in gender and was comfortable with she/her and they/them pronouns but didn’t really care. We also discussed the idea that there may be a name change. I brushed it off because the discussion ended that it wasn’t going to happen any time soon. This was months ago, and wasn’t mentioned to me again until yesterday.
Out of nowhere it was dropped on my lap that a name change and pronoun change is happening in the near future and a name is being decided on in a day. I was caught totally off guard and I don’t really understand the concepts of changing names and pronouns because I haven’t experienced it myself, I do support people who need to make these changes I just have a hard time grasping these abstract concepts. And I feel like I am now grieving the loss of a relationship that I have taken care to build to be strong. As much as I wish that it didn’t cause such an impact as I am not opposed to someone living as their truest self. I was not anticipating the crushing grief I would feel knowing that the person I fell in love with is going to fundamentally change.
Months upon months of building an emotional connection with someone with a specific name, was a huge milestone for me. My brain doesn’t make emotional connections well and I don’t pick up on social cues. So to develop an interwoven and deep romantic relationship and spending countless hours building something that felt like the truest love I have ever experienced feels crushed by a small change. I know my brain struggles with change and emotional connections so I know why I am feeling this grief. I just wish it wasn’t there. I wish I didn’t care as much as I do. And I wish I didn’t feel this shitty about it. I feel selfish and horrible for grieving a dead name when I know that my SO has to make these changes to be their best self. But no matter how hard I try to understand it I’m struggling. And no matter how hard I try to not feel this way, I feel like I am losing the one person I care about the most.
Names are just words, they shouldn’t be that big of a deal, but they truly are and I didn’t think to be so deeply impacted by it until I am experiencing it now. I want the grief to go away and I don’t want to feel the depression and sadness and mourning that I feel for this person that is still alive. I wish I felt like I still knew this person and loved them unconditionally but now I feel like I have a stranger. I feel like I have wasted all these months building a connection that my brain has now lost somewhere in my head because of something as trivial as a name.
This probably makes no sense because I am upset while writing this. And its also worth noting that I am on the autism spectrum so my brain makes poor social connections or does so very slow. It has taken me a long time to learn grief and sadness, and I still struggle articulating what feelings I have when I don’t know the name of them. This web page is the closest I have come to identifying my feelings.
Sam December 16, 2017 at 1:45 pm
Thank you so much for sharing. For what it’s worth, you’re not alone, and everything you’re feeling is completely normal. That doesn’t make it any easier, I know, but it’s normal to feel afraid when facing big changes in your relationship, and it’s normal to grieve even while recognizing that these changes are necessary in order for your SO to live as their true self — not selfish, not horrible, but normal. Names are just words, but words are often far from trivial, and the name and pronouns your SO uses to describe themselves represent deeper changes in how they see themselves and/or how they wish to be seen by others. You’ve done an incredible job of describing quite eloquently the tangled knot of emotions that adjusting to a change like that can bring. There are others who share this experience and even counselors/agencies that specialize in helping couples cope while one or both partners are in the process of transition — Two Spirit Health Services (twospirithealth.org) in Orlando is one example, and they provide “Thera-Skype” services for clients all over the US. Thank you again for sharing, wishing you strength and peace as you move forward <3
Anon November 14, 2017 at 11:29 am
My husband had brain surgery about three years ago – weeks later I started graduate school. I stuffed my feelings down and got to work – supporting him financially and doing what I could to make sure he was taken care of and on the path to healing.
I completed school in May and now I am falling apart. I’ve suddenly been having reaccuring dreams where he disappears and I spend the dream searching for him. I’ve been in therapy – but since school ended Ive been so depressed and angry. I’ve been weepy and unable to get out of bed for days.
He is still here – but he’s not the same – not the man I married. We were once business partners – so that’s another layer of grief. He was once very charismatic, strong – powerful. Now he’s more timid, apologetic – he forgets things and makes mistake almost daily. He stomps around angry when this happens. He once took care of things – now I have to remind him to complete tasks. He’s lost his ambition. He was truly my only support in this large world. I felt like everything was okay when I was with him.
Anon November 14, 2017 at 11:29 am
My husband had brain surgery about three years ago – weeks later I started graduate school. I stuffed my feelings down and got to work – supporting him financially and doing what I could to make sure he was taken care of and on the path to healing.
I completed school in May and now I am falling apart. I’ve suddenly been having reaccuring dreams where he disappears and I spend the dream searching for him. I’ve been in therapy – but since school ended Ive been so depressed and angry. I’ve been weepy and unable to get out of bed for days.
He is still here – but he’s not the same – not the man I married. We were once business partners – so that’s another layer of grief. He was once very charismatic, strong – powerful. Now he’s more timid, apologetic – he forgets things and makes mistake almost daily. He stomps around angry when this happens. He once took care of things – now I have to remind him to complete tasks. He’s lost his ambition. He was truly my only support in this large world. I felt like everything was okay when I was with him.
MyPanacea December 17, 2017 at 12:28 am
Hi there Anon,
I am in exactly the same position as you. My partner had a stroke November 2016, 6 weeks after our son was born, we also have an older boy. I put my entire life on hold, school, work, and even bonding with our newborn to keep my partner alive and to keep our home and business.
I have now returned to school and a deal is in place to sell the business.
Life has kept me occupied from the grief. I tried all I could to push it down, but it came out. I had people tell me I was grieving, but I never really knew what it meant, and still don’t. I know it’s a peocess and that it is conceptualized to be experienced in stages. I am ready to learn mpre about my grief. I know that I have to be open to a new relationahip woth this new person, but I am finding it incredibly difficult. It is like everytime I look at my partner my heart breaks over and over again. I want my beat friend back, I want my old life back, I want the ateong supportive, charasmatic and loving father to my children back. Ihave to be honest, if I met theman I live with today, I wouls not have chosen him to spend the reat of my life with. I am at a loss about my loss. I don’t know what is next.
Jacqueline October 16, 2017 at 3:55 pm
Thank You. This is something I have been dealing with recently, well for almost 2 years. My father and I have always been extremely close. Lately he has been struggling with depression/anxiety and always has but you would never know. He was on medications for 20 plus years. He always was a happy , outgoing type of man. He would spark a conversation with anyone. Everyone loved him. I am now 37 and he is 60. Not only myself but my 3 kids always were close to him. I went from talking to him 5 times a day to hardly talking for a month. When I try and call he just is distant and has to go. He doesn’t come around at all and when I go there he’s lying practically lifeless in his chair. I feel selfish that I feel this way. I miss him terribly and my husband doesn’t understand. My fourth child is about to turn 3 and has no relationship at all with him. He was always the best father and pop to my children. I know he’s suffering and it kills me. I as well struggle with anxiety and went through horrible PPD after my fourth was born. I look at old pictures and cry. I miss his so much. He was my best friend, my Rock. He was always a strong man even struggling with his own problems. This is actually how I feel. Thank you so much for this post. Xoxo
Jacqueline October 16, 2017 at 3:55 pm
Thank You. This is something I have been dealing with recently, well for almost 2 years. My father and I have always been extremely close. Lately he has been struggling with depression/anxiety and always has but you would never know. He was on medications for 20 plus years. He always was a happy , outgoing type of man. He would spark a conversation with anyone. Everyone loved him. I am now 37 and he is 60. Not only myself but my 3 kids always were close to him. I went from talking to him 5 times a day to hardly talking for a month. When I try and call he just is distant and has to go. He doesn’t come around at all and when I go there he’s lying practically lifeless in his chair. I feel selfish that I feel this way. I miss him terribly and my husband doesn’t understand. My fourth child is about to turn 3 and has no relationship at all with him. He was always the best father and pop to my children. I know he’s suffering and it kills me. I as well struggle with anxiety and went through horrible PPD after my fourth was born. I look at old pictures and cry. I miss his so much. He was my best friend, my Rock. He was always a strong man even struggling with his own problems. This is actually how I feel. Thank you so much for this post. Xoxo
Shelley Wilbur January 30, 2018 at 5:00 pm
Hi Jacqueline, Has your father been prescribed something for his anxiety, one of the benzodiazepines, for example? If yes, then it is possible that he is simply too medicated to do anything at all. You might want to check in and find out what he is taking for meds. Doctors can be extremely irresponsible with what they prescribe. I’m not saying that this is what is going on with him, but it might be worth considering. I’very become somewhat of an armchair expert on the damage to the central nervous possible from doctors over prescribing or misprescribing psych drugs.
Althea March 25, 2019 at 4:23 pm
Hello, Jacqueline:
Please look up frontotemporal dementia, the most common type of young-onset dementia, which is under-recognized and often misdiagnosed. People with this brain disorder undergo a dramatic personality change. They lose empathy, emotions and executive functioning, NOT memory.
Please take him to a neurologist who specializes in dementia since unfortunately, many general practitioners have no clue about this devastating disease.
KRISTYN HALLIN October 16, 2017 at 1:35 pm
My husband is a quadriplegic. He has no movement below his collar bones. I grieve the man he was. The strong, fix everything, sexy, handsome, able bodied man he used to be. I miss the 10 years we lost since becoming a quadriplegic. I miss the life we COULD have had and should have had. I miss my happy, blissful, wonderful marriage. People don’t seem to understand this type of grief. All they say is, “At least he’s still here with you…”. Well, those words do not help. At least with death, there is a point when you do realize that life goes on and you do just that. I am stuck in a world that I can’t move on from. Oh, and I am his sole caregiver.
KRISTYN HALLIN October 16, 2017 at 1:35 pm
My husband is a quadriplegic. He has no movement below his collar bones. I grieve the man he was. The strong, fix everything, sexy, handsome, able bodied man he used to be. I miss the 10 years we lost since becoming a quadriplegic. I miss the life we COULD have had and should have had. I miss my happy, blissful, wonderful marriage. People don’t seem to understand this type of grief. All they say is, “At least he’s still here with you…”. Well, those words do not help. At least with death, there is a point when you do realize that life goes on and you do just that. I am stuck in a world that I can’t move on from. Oh, and I am his sole caregiver.
Shannon October 15, 2017 at 6:22 am
My mom and I were incredibly close until her latest (and longest) relapse to alcohol. My last happy memory with her was two years ago, shopping for my wedding dress. I only wanted her to come because she knows how uncomfortable I become with everyone’s opinions, it was such a good day. She rapidly deteriorated within months of that day. We didn’t know if she would make it to the wedding and when she did she had the shakes so bad. I feel awful for how awful she must have felt.
Fast forward six months later when she ended up in the ICU for severe withdrawal. She coded and after they did cpr on her in the hospital she was on a ventilator in a coma for a week. I thought I was saying goodbye to her on February 16th of this year as I walked in her hospital room. I was so relieved when she pulled through, eventually came home, and regained some physical strength. After stopping by my parents house everyday for a week or two she seemed different, like she didn’t care to see me. Like I was a stranger or a distant acquaintance. I would tell her how much I missed her and make inside jokes and she would show apathy. I told my husband that it seemed like brain damage, like she was back but not all the way and it wasn’t in a drunk way. He agreed.
Three months after her hospital stay my mom began drinking again. I could tell immediately because of her mean comments and responses. My mom would never say those things to me before. I told her that I felt lonely not talking and texting with her everyday like we always do (did) and she responded with, ” I’m busy” but in this tone like she wanted to hurt me. Over time The mean tones eventually turn into horrible things no one should ever have to hear from anyone they love and miss. Now I don’t visit her, it’s been months. No one from my disfunctional family communicates and I have a mom and step dad that don’t call to talk or ask to spend time with me. I miss my mom so much it knocks the wind out of me at times. I miss my disfunctional family. The other day I went shopping by myself and saw a mom and daughter in the same age range and I felt so lonely in that moment that I left and cried my eyes out in the car. That used to be us. My husband is supportive but what can he do? He tries but he doesn’t know this. His 73 year old parents call him every week and still plan family vacations. I’d be elated if my mom even texted me at this point. I feel like an orphaned 34 year old from parents who are alive and live less than one mile from me.
Shannon October 15, 2017 at 6:22 am
My mom and I were incredibly close until her latest (and longest) relapse to alcohol. My last happy memory with her was two years ago, shopping for my wedding dress. I only wanted her to come because she knows how uncomfortable I become with everyone’s opinions, it was such a good day. She rapidly deteriorated within months of that day. We didn’t know if she would make it to the wedding and when she did she had the shakes so bad. I feel awful for how awful she must have felt.
Fast forward six months later when she ended up in the ICU for severe withdrawal. She coded and after they did cpr on her in the hospital she was on a ventilator in a coma for a week. I thought I was saying goodbye to her on February 16th of this year as I walked in her hospital room. I was so relieved when she pulled through, eventually came home, and regained some physical strength. After stopping by my parents house everyday for a week or two she seemed different, like she didn’t care to see me. Like I was a stranger or a distant acquaintance. I would tell her how much I missed her and make inside jokes and she would show apathy. I told my husband that it seemed like brain damage, like she was back but not all the way and it wasn’t in a drunk way. He agreed.
Three months after her hospital stay my mom began drinking again. I could tell immediately because of her mean comments and responses. My mom would never say those things to me before. I told her that I felt lonely not talking and texting with her everyday like we always do (did) and she responded with, ” I’m busy” but in this tone like she wanted to hurt me. Over time The mean tones eventually turn into horrible things no one should ever have to hear from anyone they love and miss. Now I don’t visit her, it’s been months. No one from my disfunctional family communicates and I have a mom and step dad that don’t call to talk or ask to spend time with me. I miss my mom so much it knocks the wind out of me at times. I miss my disfunctional family. The other day I went shopping by myself and saw a mom and daughter in the same age range and I felt so lonely in that moment that I left and cried my eyes out in the car. That used to be us. My husband is supportive but what can he do? He tries but he doesn’t know this. His 73 year old parents call him every week and still plan family vacations. I’d be elated if my mom even texted me at this point. I feel like an orphaned 34 year old from parents who are alive and live less than one mile from me.
Tasha February 6, 2018 at 7:43 pm
Shannon.. reading your story I felt like it was mine.. I’m so very sorry.. I too had an alcoholic single mother who seemed to care more about her drugs and alcohol ban caring for her only child. I was 32 when my mom died of an ove