7 Ways to Treat Yourself With Kindness While Grieving

A while ago, we wrote an article about the need for self-compassion in grief.  At the time, we defined self-compassion and we made a case for the ‘what’ and the ‘why’, but we didn’t get into a lot of detail about the ‘how’. 

I truly think practicing self-kindness is an art. It requires a person to identify what they need and to claim their right to have it.  This may seem like a simple explanation, but it isn’t simple in practice.  Especially when a person has to fight against years of implicit and explicit attitudes about what they should need, how they should be, and what they do and do not deserve. 

Knowing this, I wanted to spend a little time today brainstorming some of the most basic ways that grieving people can be kind to themselves. Will these things all be easy to do? No, not necessarily.  Some will, some won’t…but it’s a place to start at the very least. In the long run, “being kind to yourself” will mean different things to different people, so this is not a prescription.  I encourage you to read this article and then consider what self-kindness means in the broader context of your life.  


7 Ways to Treat Yourself With Kindness While Grieving:

1. Don’t compare:

First, try not to compare yourself to your expectations. In fact, it can be helpful to let go of your expectations about grief entirely.  Throw things like grief stages, tasks, and timelines out the window because individual grief is unique and unpredictable. I realize how scary it can be to look at grief as a complete unknown, but in doing so you allow for a more flexible and accepting understanding of your experiences.

Second, learn what you can from the grief experiences of others, but don’t compare. Don’t compare your grief because this helps no one. Don’t compare your methods of coping because everyone copes with grief differently. And finally, don’t compare your overall healing to your perception of how others are healing. Grief is a story without a true end and everyone’s ups and downs happen at different times and in different places. 

Finally, don’t compare yourself to yourself.  We’ve written about this in the past, but the gist of it is this – oftentimes when people try to assess how they’re doing in grief, they make the mistake of comparing themselves to the person they were before the loss (who, btw, you’ll never be again – and that’s okay) or some idealized idea of who they will be “when they feel better”. These comparisons aren’t fair because they discount all the progress you’ve made in your grief. If you still insist on comparing yourself to yourself in grief, we recommend comparing yourself to how you felt on day 1 of your grief.  


2. Accept that a wide range of emotional, physical, and cognitive experiences are normal in grief:

Again, this goes back to those implicit and explicit beliefs about how grief is supposed to be.  In our society, in particular, people tend to think grief looks a certain way.  Picture things like sadness, talking about emotions, “moving on” after one year, and so on.  

Some of these expectations evolve from outright myths and misconceptions about grief (i.e. grief timelines and the idea of moving on). Others simply reflect a limited understanding of grief, which is normal and understandable. The reality is most people don’t know how complex grief is until they’ve experienced it themselves.  

Having a narrow conceptualization of what is normal in grief often causes people to feel like they’re not doing as well as they ought to or, worse, like they’re completely losing it.  For this reason, we think it can be extremely helpful for people to learn about the long list of emotional, physical, cognitive, and behavioral responses that are considered “normal” in grief.  Though it won’t necessarily make distressing experiences any easier, you at least have the reassurance of knowing there’s nothing wrong with you!

 

3. Give distressing emotions and experiences the time and attention they need: 

This one might seem counterintuitive to many. Focusing on distressing emotions, memories, and grief triggers may seem like self-torture, not self-kindness…and sometimes it is. When a person perseverates on such experiences in chronic self-blaming and self-shaming ways, it isn’t helpful. On the other hand, it isn’t helpful to run away from these thoughts and emotions either.

Think about it the same way you would think about coping with a serious physical illness or injury. It wouldn’t help you to ignore the malady – it wouldn’t help you to stare at yourself in the mirror saying you’re weak, stupid or to blame – the only thing that would help is to acknowledge the pain and find ways to take care of yourself and heal. The pain of grief is just as worthy of your self-care and your goals should be the same – to find constructive ways to heal where you can and to manage the pain where you can’t (just yet).


4. Ask for help/Accept help:

As simple as this may sound, we know asking for help is a tall order. Everything about it can be challenging – identifying what you need, reaching out and asking for assistance, and then actually allowing the person to do whatever it is you asked for without feeling guilty, apologetic, weak, selfish, burdensome, or as though you have to send ten follow-up texts saying “Thanks Again!!!!!”.  I can see some of you involuntarily cringing.  

Here’s the thing, you’ve experienced a major hardship and now is the time for you to let others take care of you. Someday, when those people need taking care of, you will be there to return the favor (we hope). Also, though their offers may be ineffective, quite often when people say they want to help – they mean it!  Look, we know this is something that people struggle with so we have some posts:

 

5. Focus on basic needs like breathing, sleeping, eating, connecting, and caring:

The importance of meeting your basic needs is often overlooked when your entire world has been shattered to pieces.  The scope of what you’re dealing with is so ginormous, who can be bothered to think about something like getting enough sleep? But if you are able to meet some of your most basic needs, you’ll be in a better position physically and emotionally to deal with your other more complex and nuanced stressors. Plus, in a world that now seems to lack rhyme or reason, taking care of your basic needs is often one of the few and/or first things you can manage. 

Interpreted from Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs

6. Give yourself a break:

Whenever we talk about finding ways to cope with grief, we also advocate for finding ways to take a break.  As we discussed in our post, A Balanced Approach for Coping with Life After Loss:

“While many people think coping with life after loss is only about confronting and coping with difficult grief emotions, we believe that coping encapsulates anything that helps you feel better and gives you a boost of positive emotion.

Look, sometimes you just need to give your brain, body, and frayed emotions a rest!

 

7. Love the person who died unapologetically:

More often than not, grieving people maintain a continued relationship with the person who died, but for varying reasons, they may feel they need to keep their ongoing bond private.  Let’s face it, society has been known to give grievers the side eye when they share the ways they stay connected with their deceased loved ones. Rude!

What we know about grief is that an ongoing love and attachment is totally normal! So, go ahead and talk about your loved one as much as you want, do all the little things that keep you close, and, by all means, love them unapologetically.


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March 8, 2019

25 responses on "7 Ways to Treat Yourself With Kindness While Grieving"

  1. I have only recently come to realize that I might be actively grieving the loss of my mother who died 2 1/2 years ago from pancreatic cancer. Upon reflection of my behaviour: anger, frustration, lack of interest, sadness, “normal” emotions, no energy, high energy. I thought I was responding to being a mom of a 2 1/2 year old who has been sleep deprived, trying to maintain a home and be a wife and work. When she died I cried and felt the acute pain of her loss. We had a service and a family reunion later on with her burial. But all this time though I have had pangs of sadness at the memory of my mom’s passing and I feel this strong GUILT about so many things. I am realizing now that I am stuck in this guilt and it is not letting me move to a place of loving memory. I haven’t told anyone what is causing my guilt but I have to write it down now. I feel guilty that I was so impatient with her over the years growing up (a trait I am not proud of I model from my dad). I feel guilt that I never created an opportunity for her to talk about her diagnosis and her feelings. She must have been very scared. I feel guilt that the day we got the word that her cancer was inoperable and untreatable that I did not push for some personal family time; instead allowed for a visitor to be present and thus not share this information with my mom in the way it should have been shared. I feel guilt that I never stood back and thought about being in her shoes and what that must have been like so that I could be more supportive. I had a new baby and I felt I could not even stop to acknowledge what it all meant for me, our family and our mom. Looking back I would like to have done things differently. I know I cannot get back those moments.
    I have started some professional counselling. I hope to work this through. This website and blog has helped me. Thank you.

  2. Yes, thank you for your words as I’ve found most people don’t understand..even my own son. My husband and best friend (married 43yrs) died of liver cancer 21 months ago and I’m sitting here crying even now as I read your post! His death was following the unbelievable months of my dad dying (I was close to him) 18 mo before my husband. And then all 3 of my husbands brothers died (we were a big and close family, meeting every Sun for a meal at their mom’s!) They all died within 18 mo. about every 3-6 mo apart, and his cousin, and his favorite uncle who had helped raise him (and we all dearly loved) also died in this time frame. My husband did all of their funerals!!! (he was a lay-pastor)- Never knowing he would also die 5 mo after the last funeral. The good thing is he went just 40 days after the diagnoses of it being fatal, so he did not suffer too much (he refused chemo). I am blessed with many wonderful memories but the grief is devastating. My son says it’s time to move on and live life. I know he’s right, but that is just his personnality and maybe his way of thinking he’s helping me. Thanks for reaffirming that we all grieve at our own pace, in our own ways.

  3. I lost my Dad 5 weeks ago. He had Parkinson’s and Dementia and was in a care home for the last 2 years. I’m LOST…..I don’t know what to do. All of my time went to helping and supporting him and now I have all this free time! I’m having a real hard time wrapping his ashes to be mailed to family, can’t stop crying. Although he was 90 years old and had a long life, it’s hard to accept. I miss him terribly. Thank you for this article, it helped a little to know I’m not going crazy!!

  4. Newly widowed, looking for more advice

  5. I lost my mum 5 weeks ago. She was not just my mum she was my best friend. I don’t think I have truly accepted her death. It was at the end tho a release. She had dementia/Alzheimer’s and she was deteriorating and disappearing before us.
    Yet I cannot believe she has gone. I cared for her for the last 8 years of her life. It was hard but we also laughed, I always asked her advice. I am 60 and I have to find a new way of life without her. I am not sure how and what to do. My life has just turned upside down. I also lost my dog if 16 years 4 months before my mum, she loved him also and was always talking to his picture. Seems so silly him being a dog but the two of them were my whole world.
    I now have to start anew. That’s how it feels.
    Luckily I have family- we support each other.
    Still at times I feel so alone.
    Today it helped to read posts on here. Thank you

  6. Thank you for the work you do on WYG. I assist with a grief support group in our church. One of our participants introduced your site to us. This article is excellent … for me personally dealing with 4 major losses. . We never get “over” these losses… we just learn a new way forward to find the joy life offers. . I am moved and blessed by the insights and stories that everyone shares here. Thank you

  7. I keep trying to post a comment.. I wonder if this will work.. On Mother’s Day weekend I so much needed this.. Mom passed 10 months ago my Dad 9 … ;(

  8. Let’s try this again my parents passed away last year and I love this article about reminding me to take care of myself

  9. My parents passed away last year both of them died on Father’s Day Momw two weeks later today marks 10 months since my mom died I am grieving not only my parents but my family complex Kris and I found this site because my hospice counselor suggested it I love the permission to grieve part thank you so much for being there I’m gonna try and bookmark this page.

  10. If any of your “friends” tell you it will get easier as time passes –they are wrong . It does not get easier Their are birthdays,
    Christmas, New Years and New Years Eve, Thanksgiving, Valentine;s Day, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, the 4th of July which was one of my son;s favorites The point being their are constant reminders everywhere and most every day will be something to remind you of him or her, My advice although I fought it hard is to talk to someone. Whether is be an individual or a group it REALLY does help. God bless and remember your child is now an angel.

  11. My son was 18
    Just barely 18
    He wanted to live snd go to the prom with his girlfriend
    He wanted to go to college
    He was very loving, kind and handsome
    He was my only child
    He was in an accident less than 2 months ago
    Thank you for this understanding of grief

  12. I absolutely LOVE the interpretation of Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. The plain language is SO needed for the fuzzy-brained thinking that grief leaves you in. Great article and site! Thanks for all you do!

  13. Its been 92 days since the love of my life left me way too soon. He was 45. We had been together for 4.5 yrs. We were planning our move into the city from the burbs because we both loved it so much and it put is in the middle distance wise, from our families. Family was important to us. We both had been in relationships in the past but never married. It wasn’t something neither of us thought we wanted until we met. Our future plans were falling into place. Then he laid down for a nap and never woke up. I’m broken into a million pieces. I waited my whole life for him and now he is gone. It takes an unbelievable amount of energy to get out of bed in the morning and go to work. It takes so much energy to be me. People talk around me about work…I sit in meetings and listen….I answer my phone and emails…the whole time all that plays over in my head is..I don’t care about any of this, Brian’s dead. My grief is debilitating. All that being said, I do have a strong support system made up of family and friends who love me. Each one in their own way, have reminded me of the things on this list. Some days I listen and do. Other days I smile and say “I know” all the while thinking I don’t know anything about anything any more. Even now as I read this back I think I’m not even making sense. None of this makes sense. I feel lost. There is no name for me. I’m not a widow because we weren’t married yet. I’m the girlfriend. We used to laugh about how it seemed funny to use “boyfriend and girlfriend” when in your late 40’s. Yet here I am “the girlfriend”. I know people who knew each other for less time and were married and one died and they were a widow. They went to widow support groups and bonded with other widows. I worry if I went to a widow support group would I be judged? Seems silly, I know, but these are the things I worry about. Anyway, i do appreciate this resources and I spend time reading the things you share, so thank you.

    • I would go to the widows support group. He was your life partner-same thing. You were both planning a lifetime together. use all the support available to you. and may God bless you with His comfort and love.

    • I agree you should absolutely join a widows or other grief counseling group. Try to find one that feels good to you. You might need to try more than one. They will absolutely understand and welcome you. I also lost the love of my life who was my best friend and companion for almost 10 years to the day. My grief is debilitating as well. We were not married but also seemed as though in every way. Being married or not does not change the depth of the love or the depth of the grief. Perhaps a new great friend is waiting to be met there. Sending positive vibes and prayers for healing!

  14. There are so many ways to try and stay connected. This is a great article. I wrote a short blog about my first year as a widow, while raising our, at the time, 3 year old twins. They are 5 now.
    http://www.winningwidow.com

  15. My husband died suddenly when my little boy was 2. He is now 6 and I feel I still haven’t had time to grieve because I’ve had to be Mum. I feel if I did grieve, I would fall apart and not be able to do the day to day duties being “mum” entails. Every time I find a place to cry, my little boy would locate me in the house ask what is wrong.

  16. Thank you for this article. I am a third way through year two. The sentence that helped me the most was comparing my grief to how I felt on day one. That is the most helpful thing I have read. Thanks again

  17. After 3 1/2 yrs, I understand that every “landmark” occasion in my life catapults me backwards into complicated grief.
    It’s hard to explain to others. I now know I don’t need to. I’ve lost some friends. So be it.

  18. Thank you for this. I recently consulted a counsellor after weeks of overwhelming grief. While it is 2 1/2 years since my husband passed she reiterated everything you have outlined above. What resonated the most with me however weas allowing myself to grieve and really letting myself have this time as I hadnt instead choosing to support others. So thank you. Your article is just perfect.

  19. Thank you sharing this. I truly appreciate this post. I have been grieving a death by suicide for close to three years. It is a struggle each day. These words have soothed me.

  20. As a grief counselor for hospice, this article affirms what I share everyday with someone and in my groups. Thank you for the concise, useful article. I am sharing it with my groups & others I follow for bereavement.

    I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE this site.

  21. Thank you for helping me realize I did not Lise my mind. It gas been three years for me. Now that I know this is normal, I feel like I might be ready to work on feeling better.

  22. I found this note about Grief that really help me. I hope it can help others. “Grief never ends…………but it changes.
    It’s a passage, not a place to stay.
    Grief is not a sign of Weakness, nor
    a lack of “Faith”………………….
    It is the price of LOVE…………………….
    I am glad their are resources to help me and other deal with grief. Great Article.

  23. Oh my. This is SO good. Thanks for providing such good, supportive, concrete, affirming information for people who are grieving. What’s Your Grief is an outstanding resource.

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