Eight Times Grief Made Me Feel Ugly, Mean, or Crazy

Understanding Grief / Understanding Grief : Litsa Williams

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Society has created this narrative that idealizes the idea of grieving with grace. You have probably seen it in the movies, in books, and subtly being reinforced when people compliment you on how strong you are and how you are handling things with such poise. Poise... blech, I had a slight gag reflex just typing that. As annoying as this narrative is, I do understand why it emerged and persists. It is more comfortable to imagine grief as tidy and poised than ugly and messy and sometimes mean.

It isn't easy to be open about all the messy stuff if you feel a pressure to only display that strong, graceful grief ideal. You may feel like your grief should be a single tear running down your strong, poised face as you gaze off into the horizon. In reality, your grief feels more like a botchy, swollen, snotty, red-face over a pint of Ben and Jerry's next to a growing mountain of dirty laundry.

So, just a little post to remind everyone:

Grief isn’t always strong, courageous, graceful, or poised. Grief feelings are often messy, complicated, ugly and sometimes make you feel like you're a bad person, or like you're going crazy.  Don't worry, you're not a bad person. You're probably just a normal person dealing with the sometimes bad thoughts grief creates.

What are some of the most common grief-thoughts we hear that make grievers feel bad, guilty, and not like themselves? Keep reading! Because, like many other things in grief, these are better faced and coped with head-on than brushed under the carpet. So bring on the ugly!

Feeling #1

You are jealous of people you love... You might know this as, “I want to be happy that you're happy, but instead I feel kind of bitter and resentful”.

bitter grief meme


  • You’ve had a miscarriage and now your sister, college roommate, and co-worker are all pregnant. 
  • Your mother/father/son/daughter died. It’s Mother’s Day/Father’s Day and everyone is *so* excited to spend it with their mother/father/son/daughter, and they just can’t stop posting about it on social media. Your friend's daughter is graduating college, something your daughter never got to do. You want to be happy, but that bitterness and resentment keeps creeping in.

Feeling #2

You feel entitled, like life owes you something.


  • Just about anytime anything bad happens. You get pulled over for speeding, for instance. Doesn’t this cop know your husband just died? 
  • You get reprimanded at work for being late twelve days in a row. Uh, hello, your mom died?
  • You bought a scratch off ticket and didn't win. You can't help but think, Come on universe, don't you owe me that $10,000 jackpot for all the crap you've put me through?

Feeling #3

You don’t care about anything.

Example: ...like everything at work, every single day.

Feeling #4

You are having thoughts about suicide.

Example: It is estimated that almost 4% of Americans have thought of suicide in the last year. When you look at those who have been through a death, especially a suicide death or traumatic death, the number of people who have thoughts  of suicide is even higher. Unfortunately, many who think of suicide are scared or embarrassed to speak up or seek help. If you are actively thinking of suicide please call the suicide hotline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255), call 911 or walk into your local ER. If you are not actively thinking of suicide, but having generalized despair with thoughts that it will never get better, consider professional support from a therapist and remember: Hope is real. Help is real.

Feeling #5

You are angry. SO. ANGRY.

angry gif


  • You're angry at the person who died.
  • You're angry at the doctors for failing.
  • You're angry at your family for how they are handling things.
  • You're angry at people for asking how you are doing.
  • You're angry at people for not asking how you are doing.
  • You're angry at God for taking your loved one.  
  • You're angry at yourself for not being more poised and graceful in your grief.  

Feeling #6

You are drinking or smoking or something else to cope. A lot.

grief wine amy schumer jezebel

Examples: You may not have thought of yourself as a person who had a problem with substances, but when your occasional glass of wine turned into a bigger glass of wine turned into a nightly bottle of wine, you may gotten a little worried. Drinking now and then doesn't make you a bad person or a bad griever, but you should read more about this phenomenon here and seek support if you know you need to cut back or are struggling to keep it in check.

Feeling #7

Your emotions feel totally out of control.


  • You can't focus on anything.
  • You are snapping at people.
  • You are crying on the regular.  
  • A trigger hits, a total meltdown follows, and you feel pretty sure you're losing it.  Don't panic, you're probably not losing it. There is more to read about this here if you relate.

Feeling #8

You are judging all over other people, even people you care about.

judging arrested development giphy

Examples: You’re barely keeping your head above the grief-water, and your friends are busy talking to you about house-hunting, stress at work, and how the dry cleaner lost their favorite coat. You can't help but think they have absolutely no idea what is actually important in life. Yes, your priorities often change after a loss, which isn't always a bad thing. But don't panic... Usually this settles out and you will probably be able to listen to friends vent about how hard life has been since the drive-thru Starbucks in their neighborhood closed. Eventually.

The bottom line is: You think of yourself as a good person, a nice person, a reasonable person. Then suddenly grief makes you feel crazy, erratic, selfish, judgmental, and all sorts of other things that just aren't you. You don’t want to talk about it because you feel like people would be horrified if they knew just how not strong and not poised and not graceful your grief really is. But the reality is, that's grief. Facing the ugly thoughts, talking about them, and acknowledging that none of them make you a bad person is important. Many of these feelings pass on their own, but if they don’t, there are lots of ways to get help. If you want support but are having trouble finding a therapist or grief group in your area, email us and we are happy to point you in the right direction.

We know this list is only a handful of the feelings that can cause shame and embarrassment in grief. Leave a comment to share others or to tell us what you think about the list. As always, don’t forget to subscribe to get all our posts right to your inbox!

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After writing online articles for What’s Your Grief for over a decade, we finally wrote a tangible, real-life book!

What’s Your Grief? Lists to Help you Through Any Loss is for people experiencing any type of loss. This book discusses some of the most common grief experiences and breaks down psychological concepts to help you understand your thoughts and emotions. It also shares useful coping tools, and helps the reader reflect on their unique relationship with grief and loss.

You can find What’s Your Grief? Lists to Help you Through Any Loss wherever you buy books:

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46 Comments on "Eight Times Grief Made Me Feel Ugly, Mean, or Crazy"

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  1. JamesDeane  April 10, 2022 at 11:37 am Reply

    Hi,, ,,I lost my wife 2018. From. Long time illnesses. Lung cancer. In and out of the hospitals. From treatment s. Between memos / radiation/ It took a beating on her. And I watching her go thru this. But I stayed with her. I took an oth. When we married. Our happy 33 years. Of married ,, as years going by loving each other. I didn’t mine helping my wife ,,, later in time when she couldn’t work she would stay home. In the house. With a breathing machine. I would do things she could nt do. Work full time job put in 12 hrs each day come home take care of her. Bath her wash sheets feed the dogs. Feed my wife. Clothe her then take care of me when there needs. We’re done. I’d at midnight. We go to bed. This was an every day event ,, she had everything she need Ed in our bedroom we even went to buy a new bed for her king size remote bed. Legs go up back would go up. Vibrate. For confert. I bought here a new apple. Cel phone so we could see each other on FaceTime. The Doctor s. Said. Maybe you should think about a nursing home. Care. We said no. She didn’t want that. They told me I couldn’t handle taking care of her. ,,, I told them ,,, Don’t you tell me. What I can’t “”HANDLE””. They told us. She’s going to Die. Soon. So. We. Deside I wife said she wants to DIE. At HOME. So we went home. ,, 5 months. Later. Valentines Night I came home. House was dark no lights on I walk thru the door. Yelling her name. Betsie. Where are you honey. I get to the bedroom lights were out. Honey. Betsie no ancer I turn on the light. ,,,,,,,, there she was leaning against the wall Lifeless. Cold as I. Cried. I lost. My world. , ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, I wanted to DIE. With her. I was lost as the same as I write this. 😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳life today. Is. Very lonely. I have trouble reaching out to fine new. Love. The house is to quite. It was full of life. But nothing now , I look at life different today. I’m 66. I miss my wife. So much. I keep her ashes on the fireplace. With photos. And I kiss her Good night every night. My bed is empty , I sleep on her side every night , I can’t part with her clothes I lost so much. , I don’t do holidays anymore just sleep in. Hopefully it will. Go away I. Just want to live on an island. By myself. Till I. Die.

    • aud  September 5, 2022 at 7:11 pm Reply

      My heart breaks for you. I just wanted to say that you are not alone. We went through a very similar nightmare with my sweet mom. She was 53 when she passed after a horrific and long battle with cancer – just a few months ago. We transformed our home into a little hospital – oxygen machine, hospital bed, wheelchair, catheters – everything was done at home and we fought so fiercely to care for her. So that she would feel loved and not alone while she endured inhumane levels of cancer pain.

      She is gone now. No longer in pain and running free in the arms of Jesus. It doesn’t take away though from the pain that we feel left on earth. The house is so quiet – just like yours. Her equipment and belongings are still in the home. I smell the pjs she wore the night she passed to feel her presence again.

      Just wanted to share this with you to say that you are not alone in this. God is near and you are seen. Praying that you feel love and joy and peace in the coming days ahead.

  2. Isabel  December 7, 2020 at 7:23 pm Reply

    Thank you for this article. It really resonates with how I feel a month after my fathers death. If I hear another “oh you were so lucky of the time you had with him” I will slap somebody! I’m only thirty..even if I was older a lifetime with him wouldn’t have been enough because I loved my dad more than anyone else in the world. He was my best friend, my person. And I cruelly lost him to stage4 stomach cancer. I had to watch him slowly waste away and become a shell of the strong man he used to be. And I’m an only child-it was just my mom and I going through this with him for 3 years. My extended family didn’t care about what we were going through for the most part, but when he died, some of them tried to act like they had been there since the beginning. Nope, sorry, too late. And then of course like almost everybody mentioned in the comments people are so terrified of death and their own mortality that they are too cowardly to actually be there for you or ask you how you really feel. When you get this behavior from close family and friends, yeah it hurts, yea it make you resentful and makes you judge and not want anything to do with those people. So yeah. I’m angry, I’m bitter, I’m judge mental. I find myself wishing my peers knew what it felt like to lose a parent. I’ve hoped more times than I like to admit that someone I know experiences the type of tough cards I’ve been dealt with in life. I see relatives/friends/etc enjoying their families, having babies for their parents to dote on, buying houses, moving forward in life, and here I am stuck in this never ending black hole of grief and pain. I feel like so much was taken from me and nothing taken from others and it makes me feel bitter as hell. I honestly don’t know if it will ever get better. I know I’ll always have the gut wrenching pain of losing him and that it has changed who I am as a person.

    • IsabelleS  December 9, 2020 at 11:33 am Reply

      Isabel, I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope this article has shown you how normal it is to feel bitter and mean after the death of a loved one. The anger and frustration that you’re experiencing are so valid. You may want to check out this article: https://whatsyourgrief.com/all-about-anger/ I wish you well.

    • Annette  October 2, 2021 at 7:06 am Reply

      I’m lonely. My family live with me. I don’t want them prefer to be by myself. Thought I couldn’t cope. My daughter grandchildren son comes home on occasions he works away. I’m angry because when my family wanted to move aft a breakdown. She had three dog’s I have one. They don’t get along. Now the female was pregnant to her dog now I have eleven puppies she had twelve one died. I try to help. But the mother attacks me. My daughter has taken over. I’m a prisoner in my home. Can someone help please

      • Litsa  October 25, 2021 at 1:26 pm

        Annette, I am so sorry for what you are dealing with. I would suggest that you contact the Department of Social Services in your area and request to speak with someone in their Adult Protective Services department or their Department of Aging. These organizations often have case managers who can assist you in advocating for yourself and taking action with your family. If you do not know how to reach these services in your area, google your city/county name and “department of social service” or dial 211

  3. Maria  August 3, 2020 at 9:06 pm Reply

    Feeling #8: You are judging all over other people, even people you care about.

    This is currently what I can clearly relate to. I can’t stand anyone dribbling on about what they think is important, my husband cops it the most. He says I have a problem, I don’t know how things are going to be at the snow, in my head I’m saying I don’t give a stuff, my son just died, that isn’t a problem. I will say while my husband and I have been together over 30 years, my so Daniel who died at 38, in April 2020, wasn’t his biological son, I had been married before. That’s one example of many. In my head I’m constantly saying to people I don’t care. What part of my son died don’t you get. I don’t voice it out loud, but it makes me angry and snappy, which they in turn don’t understand. I don’t want to say it out loud, because I don’t want to hurt them. But I feel the daily trivial, at least to me, things are meaningless, unless you’re grieving the death of a loved one, I don’t want to know. So I hope this stage passes, I fear I might say some hurtful stuff to people I care about. I drink to suppress the feelings of anxiety and stress this causes me, but I do have it in check.
    Reading about this has helped me to understand myself better and not be to hard on myself for having these feelings. Thank you

  4. Eileen  June 10, 2019 at 1:47 pm Reply

    I would say “Thank God” for this article if l still believed in God. I will just say how grateful I am it was written. I thought the sadness would kill me years ago when my mom/BFF passed but it paled in comparison to losing my 36 year old son unexpectedly. The difference in my grieving is the feelings you mentioned in your article. I considered myself a kind person. Now I’m not. I say to family and friends that I pray they never feel the pain of losing their child but secretly wishing they would. Then I feel so horrible and crazy about my hatefulness because that’s not me. I feel angry when I see others happy. My bitterness is like a poison and the feeling is horrible. You have given me hope that although my pain will remain my anger and bitterness may subside. Thanks to others who commented.

  5. Jake  January 22, 2019 at 9:59 am Reply

    My father was a sweet man who would bend over backwards to help anyone who asked. He helped a lot of people become wealthy though he never made much money himself. We were comfortable and had a loving family and didn’t need anything else. Then he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and we gave everything we had to get him through it, but he died of course. Then his insurance refused to acknowledge a continuation benefit he’d been paying for. Then we discovered he had taken out lines of credit years ago, incorrectly assuming his loss of life protection he was paying for would prevent us from having to deal with them. Then mom’s house flooded, and our heat pump broke and it can’t be fixed, and a payment went missing from our credit card and my goddamned deck collapsed. Yesterday I found myself screaming at God, like some kind of lunatic as I drove through the icy hell that is the city where I live toward the frozen, drowned wreck that used to be my childhood home. The brutal unfairness and cruelty of the world has just overwhelmed me. I keep wanting to pray that God take away my bitterness and my anger before I damn myself, but I don’t trust Him enough to talk to him anymore. I don’t want to make myself a target. We’ve been financially devastated. I’m barely capable of keeping my family afloat (I still hadn’t paid off my student loans when all this started, and now Canadian taxes have skyrocketed to the point that even as a professional, I can barely keep my own head above water, let alone my mother’s) – our prime minister has basically declared a war on physicians and the public hates us and thinks we’re all wealthy – and all we hear is more more more – work more hours, pay more taxes – it’s an endless treadmill of impossibility. I’m just waiting to find out what’s next. Do I have a stroke? Does my son get leukemia? Does the earth just open up and swallow us? I can’t take any more of this. I used to be happy. I used to be grateful and count my blessings. Now I wish I could just die and get it the fuck over with.

    • Dee  June 1, 2022 at 9:36 am Reply

      Update: There we’re typos in the first post I sent my apologies. This is the correct post. Can the administrator please erase the other one for me please ? I wasn’t sure how to. Thank you.

      Hello Jake I just wanted to say that I’m praying for you. I am in a lot of pain. I lost my husband an our kids and I are dealing with this. Our lives have completely changed. It’s so hard.

      I knew I couldn’t be mad at God but it doesn’t mean it doesn’t affect me every day the pain I feel. I know that God knows way more than we do an always has a plan. He ordained a plan before we were all born an I want to go to heaven an not hell so I have to trust God. God is in control of our very breath an life. I take my pain to God an I am asking Him for help an I’m praying for God to help you as well an to comfort you like Only He can an will. I’m praying for everyone who is hurting as well.

      Life is hard but God is always great an my husband said one time that if God didn’t raise him up then so be it he said he would never give up on God. He said he would always trust God no matter what.I love my husband an I thought wow he loves God… I thought help me to be like that God. And he said this before anything ever happened to him he said that statement a long time ago but God knows all things ….

      God loves you all. If you are interested in giving your life to Jesus today you can pray the prayer of salvation. If something were to happen to you today you would die knowing that you will go to heaven to be with God for eternity and not hell for eternity.

      I learned that suicide is even a setup from the enemy to cause people to die an go to hell because it may feel like an escape from the pain an this world but we would not be able to spend eternity in heaven. It’s a set up from the enemy. But I know that everyone has a plan an you have a great purpose and plan Jake. I’m praying for your strength. God loves you.

      You can pray this prayer an the scripture about salvation is in Romans chapter 10 it is below.

      Dear Lord Jesus, I know that I am a sinner, and I ask for Your forgiveness. I believe You died for my sins and rose from the dead. I turn from my sins and invite You to come into my heart and life. I want to trust and follow You as my Lord and Savior. In Jesus Name I pray amen.

      “that if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the Lord Jesus, and shalt believe in thine heart that God hath raised him from the dead, thou shalt be saved. For with the heart man believeth unto righteousness; and with the mouth confession is made unto salvation. For the scripture saith, Whosoever believeth on him shall not be ashamed. For there is no difference between the Jew and the Greek: for the same Lord over all is rich unto all that call upon him. For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.”
      ‭‭Romans‬ ‭10:9-13‬ ‭KJV‬‬

      God bless you always

  6. Anonymous  December 18, 2018 at 2:16 am Reply

    My sister-in-law (who I am not close to and never really managed to get close to despite 14 years of marriage to her brother) lost her husband and 9 yo daughter to a drunk driver a block from their house. Her tragedy is horrific and it hit so close to home that I felt pretty scarred by it myself (though I have no claim to feel those feelings). I have tried to be supportive and let her feel whatever she wants to feel, encouraged her to speak her feelings no matter what they are, and tried to learn how to respond properly. I live across the country so this is all mostly via FB. I commented supportive messaged on all of her posts. I have read the articles she posted and tried to say the right thing, but not having a foundation to build on makes my responses and attempts feel false at best. It’s been 2 years since it happened, and I reshared a picture of their beautifully adorned caskets with the caption “So tragic. Beloved by SO many.” I thought I was honoring them by not forgetting them on this anniversary but it triggered a PTSD episode for her. I could not know that she would respond this way. I did not intend to hurt her. I didn’t know about this episode right away. All I saw was a comment that said “Seriously? How could you post this?!” This was a couple of hours after she commented on a memory post from 6 years ago where I almost lost my daughter to drowning. She said “Isn’t is nice when the worst doesn’t happen?” Seriously? How ugly. Sounds like she basically wishes her own NIECE had drowned because of what she has suffered. She hadn’t responded to my messages or texts at all in the last 2 years and now she was commenting on my posts. I privately messaged her an apology and told her that I’m sorry. I told her I didn’t intend to upset her, that I didn’t feel like I could ever do anything right. I asked her to not shame me publicly on my posts, and that if I bothered her as a person, we didn’t have to remain friends on Facebook. Some people don’t mesh. Minutes later, instead of responding to me privately, she publicly shamed me on her page in front of all of our shared family/friends with a lot of language. I cried for hours out of frustration! She had been posting about sensitivity and how to treat a grieving person for the last 2 years, but what about those of us who are trying? She ignored me for 2 years and then suddenly BAM! Figuratively slapped me on social media. I’m feeling incredibly angry at her, hurt, mad, isolated, and shamed. What’s worse is the family, who had to have KNOWN I didn’t mean harm, either remained silent on the issue or liked/loved her post and all the comments that continued to shame me and console her at my expense. I made a mistake, unknowingly, and I get publicly humiliated? I am TRYING to get past my hurt pride and bitter “What about my feelings?” and “Does no one matter but you?” feelings but it’s pretty difficult. If she were to privately communicate with me, work with me, I’m sure I would have been able to deal better, but the public shaming thing was pretty nasty and I am having a hard time getting past it. I feel like she is all of the above “grief made me feel ugly” and just waiting to pounce on anyone (or rather someone she’s already disposed to not care about like me) who missteps. I guess I’m looking for help. I want to get past my pride, but I was such an emotional wreck that I cried and raged for hours and then I unfriended her. Then my husband did as well to support me. I felt bad but justified, as I felt she was becoming toxic to my family. What I guess I’m looking for is a little understanding and a LOT of help to get past this and MAYBE, just maybe see a way to mend fences. Please don’t tell me “Get over it” or “You’re life doesn’t compare,” because OF COURSE it doesn’t, but does it invalidate my feelings? Doesn’t everyone have burdens to bear even if they haven’t suffered tragedy like this? Yes, grieving with poise is as irritating an expectation as being the perfect mother, but does that mean people should STOP striving for it?

    • Sharie Lineback  August 13, 2020 at 9:02 pm Reply

      She wasn’t trying to hurt you when you posted their caskets. Nor were you trying to hurt her. It would be most educational for you to read about grief and how it effects people. It was too much for her to bear. My sisters posted my husband’s tombstone and I can’t bring myself to go see it. I got angry at the situation, not them. However, I was shocked as I didn’t know they were so uneducated about grief. Yet, they made it all about them and how dare I be upset. I was the bad guy. Yeah right. That’s just wrong, however, they have never felt the pain of loosing a spousel. Your sister in law meant no harm. Please read up on grief and you will help her tremendously. She needs you.

  7. Agnes  November 16, 2018 at 9:32 pm Reply

    I don’t feel bad about being irritated with people for their stupid problems. They have absolutely no idea what real, serious problems are.

  8. Tina Morgan  November 16, 2018 at 7:23 am Reply

    Thank you so much for writing this article. I thought I was going crazy for sure. My Mom who was my best friend just passed a month ago and I have been all of these things that you described. I have been so angry and jealous toward people that still have their Mom and have felt so guilty about it. We were so close. She was so sick with cancer and my sisters didn’t help me do anything for her. They didn’t even spend time with her when she was dying. She loved them so much and they broke her heart even on her death bed. She asked for them everyday and cried over them not being there. She never made a difference in the way she loved us. She loved us all the same and always reached out to them. I just don’t feel like they loved her back. They since then have been walking around laughing and joking about everything and I am so heartbroken I can’t function. I have cried everyday since she died and I am so bitter toward my sisters. All they talk about is their life and their happiness and the only time they have called me is to find out when they would receive their share of her estate. They have always been selfish people but I thought they would come around and be there for her when she needed them most. One of my sisters is a Sociopath so there is no conscience.She is a great actress and can fake emotion when ever she wants to. She has a lot of people fooled except me and the people she has mistreated. She was so mean to my Mom when she was sick and yelled at her all the time. She lies about everything and can put on a show even at the funeral she got up and gave this speech about my Mom making her cookies and cocoa everyday after school to make up to her for divorcing my Dad. My Dad was an abusive alcoholic that beat my Mother every day. I applaud her for leaving him. She had three kids that didn’t need to grow up in that situation. My other sister is an alcoholic so that is her true love I guess. She told me she had no feelings at all toward my Mom. My Mom was a very sweet and very loving person who loved them in spite of their ways but I am struggling to want any kind of relationship with them. My husband and kids have been great and I am truly blessed to have them even though I have snapped at them a few times lately. I apologize afterward but I can’t really help myself sometimes. I know that grieving is a process and I have learned a lot from reading this and hearing other people’s stories. I know that I’m not alone in my feelings. Every irrational feeling I have had is part of the normal process of grieving.I like the idea of reaching out to others or maybe volunteering to help others especially with the holidays coming up. I think that would help me heal a little bit. I have been so focused on my feelings. I think I am ready to give a little bit of kindness to others. I think that would be a positive step in the right direction.

  9. SL  June 8, 2018 at 10:02 am Reply

    When I lost my daughter, it felt like my whole life crumbled. The moment I saw her lifeless body, my whole life flashed before my eyes even as I was screaming and crying. Nothing has been the same since then. I wake up, go to work and come back but I feel that lifeless feeling that I saw in her. I see my son thriving and it fails to delight me. I feel angry and lost. I mourn for her and I mourn for the beautiful life that my family had and that is lost forever. As I was walking last week, I saw someone’s t- shirt read ‘ Welcome to the next episode’ . So is this what life is? I want to rewind and always be in my last episode with 2 beautiful kids, a happy home and oblivion to the cruelties of life.

  10. Jenny  February 28, 2018 at 10:47 am Reply

    Thank you for writing this article. I too have most of these feelings, and feel guilty sometimes for being so angry and judgy and jealous . My 18 year old son was murdered 8 months ago. I often put on a ¨mask¨ when going out in public and so people think (and say): ¨she is coping so well.¨ Sigh. Honestly, how can we know how to do this, get through this, I just bear the pain and get through each day.

  11. Jenny  February 28, 2018 at 10:47 am Reply

    Thank you for writing this article. I too have most of these feelings, and feel guilty sometimes for being so angry and judgy and jealous . My 18 year old son was murdered 8 months ago. I often put on a ¨mask¨ when going out in public and so people think (and say): ¨she is coping so well.¨ Sigh. Honestly, how can we know how to do this, get through this, I just bear the pain and get through each day.

  12. Becky Brown  September 24, 2016 at 7:09 pm Reply

    Why can’t grief be out in the open? Society has come so far accepting or embracing sex outside of marriage, illegitimate babies, homosexuality, breast cancer, yet death and grieving are NOT openly talked, about. It is a private pain you can’t burden your close ones with.
    Yet everyone will face it unlike things listed above. I have felt so alone since my dad died, also have tremendous anger issues. Suicide always wavering in the shadow. Pain lets me forget emotional turmoil.

  13. Eric S.  September 9, 2016 at 4:58 pm Reply

    Thanks for a great article. Let yourself grieve. It’ll happen in phases, in no particular order. You can try to rush it, but that just extends it. It’s also okay to have a little fun, every once in a while, too- Don’t feel guilty for going out of town for a busy weekend of fun where you DON’T focus on your lost loved one. Grieving is exhausting- don’t feel like a bad person for taking a break from it and focusing on YOUR HEALTH sometimes. You deserve to be happy. Work through the feelings of blame, guilt, and being cheated. Try to eventually get to a place where thinking of your loved one puts a smile on your face as you remember a time when they were happy. This process will change you forever. That’s okay. You’re not damaged- you’ve grown. If you’re feeling worthless, try helping out a friend in need, or a stranger. I started giving blood at the Red Cross quarterly when my Dad died. It makes me feel good to know that someone else’s parent or child might live longer, and it just takes an hour of my time, in and out. My friend lost her Dad, and I helped her clean out her father’s house. It made me feel good to help. I’m not feeling guilty- I’m feeling happy that I’ve grown less self-obsessed and that I can take pleasure out of helping others.

  14. Terry  September 5, 2016 at 2:48 pm Reply

    YES – can related to half of the eight. For me I would add Feeling #9: Feeling abandoned. Two retired long time colleagues / friends (?) stopped staying in touch. Oh well. Hope both don’t have same experience if their spouses pass before them. Great article.

    • Jaimey  September 11, 2016 at 9:57 am Reply

      I agree.
      When my baby died right after birth I lost people I thought were my friends. I get that they didn’t know how to deal but neither did I! No one gives us a guidebook or training for that or losing someone so dear! 🙁

      • Jillian  September 15, 2016 at 6:48 pm

        I’m sorry that people who should be there for you are not ! I understand that people don’t know what to do or say, but to totally abandon you after the death of your baby is really selfish. I’m sorry about your baby. All the best to you.

      • Fred Chopin  February 7, 2019 at 4:18 pm

        A loss like that is beyond what most people know. You know it. Intimately. People, family, community abandon other people going through such things. It always happens to those who sustain such catastrophic losses. One thing I’m sure trying to cope w/all my life is this fact.

  15. Andrea  September 1, 2016 at 8:11 pm Reply

    So accurate. Especially the feeling crazy part. Had I not sought the help of a grief counselor, I never would have known that feeling crazy is often part of grieving. Thank you for writing this.

  16. Kristen  August 29, 2016 at 6:21 pm Reply

    THANK YOU! Every time I let someone into my sad world looking for comfort they either redirect me away from my sad shitty feelings or outright judge them (my sister called my anger “twisted” after the sudden death of my brother 3 months ago). I don’t want to be told to feel different feelings! I want the permission to feel my current, ugly, uncomfortable feelings!

  17. gloria  August 28, 2016 at 1:12 pm Reply

    Great article, as always. I know I’m not the same person I was before I lost my 28 yr old daughter, Laura, 14 months & 6 days ago?. How can we be? I find it hard to really care about anything, though I pretend to. I wonder is this how it will be for the rest of my life? Maybe pretending will bring me back to eventually caring again? Everything is colored by my loss of her. Thank you for these posts!

  18. Lynne  August 28, 2016 at 5:07 am Reply

    I hate hearing about my co-workers or my sister’s kids. I have to force myself to listen, look happy and be happy for them. I can’t wait for them to go away. I hate being like this. It’s not who I used to be before my daughter was taken from me.

  19. Lynne  August 27, 2016 at 7:03 pm Reply

    My had a horrible, traumatic event happen to her in high school. She was the never the same. She was taken from me and I feel robbed. This was 7 years ago and I am still grieving.

  20. Minda  August 26, 2016 at 6:01 pm Reply

    I thought this was an excellent article especially for people who don’t see this side of us. I related to a lot of these.

  21. Vicki  August 25, 2016 at 4:03 pm Reply

    I was angry at Mohammed Atta, the actual person who killed him. He never knew him and never even knew he KILLED him. He didn’t know ANY of the people he killed but did it anyway. It was so important to kill total strangers.
    It doesn’t matter that he killed himself within one second (while it took Eric and hundreds of their other victims at least 10 MINutes to die,) I was still angry at Mohammed Atta and became even more incensed after finding out he had a Master’s degree in Urban Planning. All his sisters were doctors (with Ph.D’s) and his dad was a lawyer. He wasn’t a “young impressionable terrorist.”
    Neither was Osama bin Laden, whom I was also angry at even though he sat from afar and watched everything happen. Like Charles Manson, another apparent waste of human skin.
    I haven’t been able to forgive them even for myself, as people claim of forgiveness. That you’re doing it for yourself. I don’t let the anger stop me from doing things but I have a hard time ‘forgiving’ someone who killed people they don’t know and don’t even know who they murdered in the first place. How do you forgive someone committing an act that random and that evil? That it doesn’t matter who they kill and they’ll go to their grave not knowing just as long as they kill total strangers?
    I have great difficulty doing it. I’m not that emotionally in tune with those that did it.
    That’s one of the ugly ways I feel.

    • Sharmayne  August 26, 2016 at 1:16 am Reply

      Vicki, I have read all of your comments here and on Facebook since I found this website last year. You express yourself so well, and each time I read a comment from you my heart breaks. I could never imagine losing a loved one, especially a spouse, in such a horrific and public way…having to watch the murder over and over again…. I appreciate all of your comments as it reminds me that 9/11 was such a personal attack on all family and friends left behind and not just an attack on our country. You are the first and only person I’ve ever heard from who experienced the horror of that terrible day personally. Thank you for always being so open and honest with your feelings. Many hugs to you as you continue on this difficult journey of grief~

      • Vicki  September 5, 2016 at 2:25 pm

        I don’t think my Reply button is working. Every single time I try to reply it sends me to the bottom of the page.
        I’ve never been able to watch repeated footage of the towers falling. Especially not the North Tower, until 2 days ago when I was watching a movie called Flight 93. My friend’s husband died on that one. He said the Lord’s Prayer before they tried to take back the plane, asking for God’s will to be done on earth as it is in heaven, and then dying in the crash 5 minutes later.
        I have no idea how what happened 5 minutes later was “God’s Will.” He asked for God’s Will to be done on earth and died in a terrorist act. I don’t understand it at all.
        The whole incident has made my “Faith” almost nonexistent. That’s another ugly thing that has happened to me, and one that most people refuse to tolerate. I left church because I’ve been unable to “trust God even when you don’t like what’s happening.”

      • Sharmayne  September 10, 2016 at 2:41 am

        I can feel your pain coming through your words and my heart truly hurts for you. Though we’ve never met you’ve been on my mind this week with September 11 approaching. Again, I can’t even imagine…and your friend’s husband too…. I totally get your questioning God’s will and feeling so angry at/with Him. My faith has certainly dwindled, and sometimes I feel like I’m barely clinging to it. I’ve also been unable to pray since losing my mom 1 1/2 years ago. I’m saddened to hear that others aren’t able to tolerate your lack of faith. I haven’t shared those feelings with my family or friends because I fear the same thing. This is the time when we need the most support! I’m glad you use this forum to share your feelings and hope it helps in your healing process and will allow you to find some peace. You and your friend will be on my mind and in my heart this weekend. The sickening and horrific things that happened that day hold more significance for me because of you. Many hugs to you Vicki ~ ❤️

    • Jaimey  September 11, 2016 at 9:53 am Reply

      No words Vicki, I’m so sorry for your loss. Hugs.

    • Jillian  September 11, 2016 at 8:40 pm Reply

      Vicki, Ive read many of your posts. I just wanted to send some hugs your way today.

  22. Cathy Walz  August 25, 2016 at 10:24 am Reply

    My momma was found dead in her home on Aug.15, 2014…
    She was dead 3-5 days before she was found… I dont even know what day she died on…
    Aug. 15 was put as her death date… I feel so guilty for not being there for her… My momma had cancer when I was 5 years old & I was told she would die then… I had her another 45 years… Im Very Greatful for the extra years but sometimes I think it would bave been easier losing her as a small child… I would have lost my momma… but U see she was my best friend growing up… so as a adult…
    I lost much more than just a mom… I have lost part of me… she taught me to be strong person & everything I need to know in my life except how to live without her

  23. Ginny Bartosik  August 25, 2016 at 12:42 am Reply

    I never thought of what all I was feeling since my moms death was probably, in fact, all related to my inability to keep grieving when and if I needed to. I kept thinking that it would end or it would get easier, and no one could tell me how or when, ideas I felt that if I had I could process everything better. Thank you for this article!!

    • Jan O'Brien  September 14, 2016 at 9:38 pm Reply

      I feel the same way after my Mom’s death. So angry when people tell me I should be grateful for all the years I had her, I don’t care! She was my best friend and she’s gone. I never let on to them, just nod and smile, and yes I feel crazy!

      • Jillian  September 15, 2016 at 7:22 pm

        My mom died almost three years ago, she was my best friend as well. I have heard it all from ” oh, she lived a long life” to ” you should be grateful for all the years that you had with her” and “not everyone gets that kind of a relationship with their mother, be grateful “. I, like you don’t care because these are ‘canned remarks’ and really don’t mean anything, so yeah just nod and smile and say ” I’m fine” because that’s what they want to hear…..

        PS when my mom first died I really though I was going crazy, its a horrible feeling.

  24. Susan Gibson  August 25, 2016 at 12:18 am Reply

    My daughter passed 5 years ago, as well. Newly married, no babies. I’ll never be a grandma.
    A coworker always complains in the mist negative ways about how awful it is that her daughter and grandaughter live in her house.
    What would I give to have that problem! I smile through gritted teeth an tears.

    • Peter  September 3, 2016 at 10:23 pm Reply

      You should tell her that you would love to have that problem. People tend to magnify their insignificant problems until they experience something truly devastating like the death of a loved one. In the past three years, I’ve lost a sister, my mother, and a beloved uncle. That has completely readjusted my thinking about what matters, and what does not.

  25. Paulette joyce  August 24, 2016 at 10:38 pm Reply

    Best thing I have read about grief! Thank you!

  26. Cynthia Guilfoy  August 24, 2016 at 8:04 pm Reply

    Exactly how I feel …a bubbling idiot that is a crying and going crazy after losing my daughter 5yrs ago my mom this past Dec and my grandpa this past April…it’s just not fair

    • Debra Jones  October 21, 2016 at 3:47 am Reply

      As a child, I was taught to hush, no one wants to see you cry. Be strong, close it off. Thinking about it makes me want to scream. It is so wrong to not acknowledge the pain. Face whatever the bad is and own it. The pain never goes away, you don’t get over it, but you can learn to not let it consume the good of today. Remember you can always take it out later to cry, worry, share, or just kick it in the butt.

      • Litsa  October 31, 2016 at 10:42 pm

        Well said Debra!


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