Today, I want to have a no-frills, straightforward discussion about grief and negative coping. People commonly engage in negative coping (c'mon, you know you do), especially people who have experienced the death of a loved one. Although many will eventually find constructive ways to cope with their experiences and emotions, others will become stuck in a cycle of thinking and behavior that is bad for their mental, emotional, and physical health. As it pertains to experiencing the death of a loved one, these behaviors could prevent a person from coping with some or all aspects of their grief.
What is negative coping?
It's tempting (and common) to conceptualize negative coping as specific behaviors that are typically thought of as "bad" or "harmful". These behaviors include things like excessive substance use, isolation, overeating, procrastination, etc. While these behaviors certainly play a role in negative coping, they do not provide a complete understanding of the concept.
Negative coping is like emotional aspirin. It numbs the pain temporarily, but the pain reappears once it wears off. Often these patterns of behavior end up making your stress worse because they are unhealthy and require a lot of effort to maintain. Moreover, they prevent you from effectively processing your emotions and experiences, which can lead to a prolonged sense of anxiety and emotional pain.
Why do people engage in negative coping?
Avoidance almost always lies at the heart of negative coping. As we discussed in a previous WYG post on avoidance:
"When we talk about avoidance in regards to grief, we are usually referring to experiential avoidance. Experiential avoidance is an attempt to block out, reduce, or change unpleasant thoughts, emotions, or bodily sensations. These are internal experiences that are perceived to be painful or threatening and might include fears of losing control, being embarrassed, or physical harm and thoughts and feelings including shame, guilt, hopelessness, meaninglessness, separation, isolation, etc."
Your grief is most likely associated with a wide range of painful emotions and memories. For some, these unpleasant feelings are constrained to thoughts about the loss of their loved one. For others, they extend to worries about life, religion, family, the future, etc. Many of these feelings, anxieties, worries, and apprehensions are the internal manifestations that keep you up at night, while others are brought on out of nowhere by external triggers. On a whole, grief can make you feel like you're spinning out of control and so it feels protective to try and regain control through avoiding painful and threatening emotions.
Actually, in some ways, avoidance can be useful and adaptive. Often times, in order to manage responsibility, function in family and society, and stay generally sane, one has to engage in some degree of avoidance. This is what we call taking a break from your grief, and it's actually a major tenant of the Dual Process Model. This grief theory says that grievers must oscillate between confronting their loss (coping) and avoiding it (seeking respite).
Avoidance becomes maladaptive when it limits the ways in which a griever is able to fill their roles as a spouse, parent, friend, employee, and society member... and when this cycle persists to the detriment of personal healing.
What does negative coping look like?
Negative coping encompasses behaviors that promote avoidance in the following ways:
- By numbing the emotions of grief felt on a daily basis or in response to certain situations or memories
- By complete avoiding situations, memories, or thoughts in an effort to minimize exposure to unpleasant emotions
It's important to understand that it's not the inherent nature of the behavior that qualifies it as a negative coping mechanism. Rather, it's the way the behavior is being used. Most behaviors exist on a continuum so that they can be either adaptive or maladaptive. By conceptualizing behavior on a continuum, we can see how behaviors typically thought of as "good" can actually be maladaptive, and vice versa. For example:
(Note: Variation exists among individuals, families, cultures, religions, etc regarding what is considered 'normal' or 'average' behavior)
When behaviors like these—and others—enable a person to repeatedly and continuously numb and avoid, then the person may be engaging in negative coping. I couldn't even begin to compose a complete list, but some common behaviors include things like:
- Staying busy
- Focusing only on the needs of your children
- Constantly saying 'I'm fine'
- Substance use
- Throwing oneself into advocacy
- Emotional or physical isolation
- Cutting yourself off from certain family and friends
- Seeking constant distraction
- Avoiding certain places
- Emotional eating
- Giving up
Again, it may only be when these behaviors are consistently used to avoid and numb that they become problematic. A behavior should be considered a vehicle for negative coping when it contributes to someone's world becoming more restricted and increasingly complicated, and when it prevents a person from learning how to deal with the painful emotions and experiences related to their grief.
If you want to learn a little more about this topic (or if you are more of an auditory learner), you should listen to our podcast on the continuum of negative coping:
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We wrote a book!
After writing online articles for What’s Your Grief
for over a decade, we finally wrote a tangible,
What’s Your Grief? Lists to Help you Through Any Loss is for people experiencing any type of loss. This book discusses some of the most common grief experiences and breaks down psychological concepts to help you understand your thoughts and emotions. It also shares useful coping tools, and helps the reader reflect on their unique relationship with grief and loss.
You can find What’s Your Grief? Lists to Help you Through Any Loss wherever you buy books: