If She’ll Always Be With Me, Why Don’t I Feel Her?

Understanding Grief / Understanding Grief : Eleanor Haley

Written and shared with us by our grief-friend, Cara Jeanne. Sharing with all of you, because we have a feeling many of you will relate. 

“She’ll always be with you.”

“You’ll know she’s there.”

“She’ll never really leave.”

These are the very kind and infuriating things people have said to me over and over again since my mom died in 2012. I needed to believe that this would be true. That as she was dying in hospice, it would all be ok because I would always feel her presence; I would obviously receive messages from her. See, because if there was any mother-daughter combo who would certainly keep in touch once the veil had come between us, it would be my mom and me.

We were extraordinarily close. She was absolutely my best friend. We talked every day and we saw each other several times every week, scheduled and spontaneous time together. She was cheerful, hysterical, compassionate, easy-going, generous, and spiritual. Obviously, we would keep in touch just like everyone said we would.

My mom was all those things. Apparently, though, she was not a Jedi. So imagine my surprise when my mom’s body finally took its last breath and she did not immediately become one with the Force all around me.

I didn’t feel any pang of telepathic pain when she finally let go. I had spent every night in the hospice center with her for a week straight, and of course, the one night I went home to sleep in my bed instead of her chair, she died. I learned about it through a voicemail from my dad. I hadn’t even woken up when the phone rang. Maybe our spiritual connection was just experiencing a delay?

And then, who knows what happened those next few days. There was a memorial service. There was a slide show. There was a luncheon. There were people. And so many of those people told me not to worry because I would always feel her with me.

But I didn’t.

So I went to a psychic medium. Three times. Mom came through. Told me to look for yellow flowers and white moths. Told me to quit drinking diet soda. Told me that she was always with me in my thoughts and I needed to stop looking so hard for signs.

I went to different spiritual places, all different denominations. Maybe if I prayed for her, if I meditated on it, I’d feel her.

I put faith in talismans. I started wearing her wedding ring on a chain around my neck. I got two tattoos to get closer to her. I practiced playing her piano. Maybe if I had these pieces of her with me all the time, I’d feel her.

I saw yellow flowers everywhere. I saw white moths everywhere. I stopped drinking diet soda. I addressed the thoughts in my head to my mom. I prayed and meditated. I wore her ring. I ran my fingers over the outline of my grief tattoos. I played her favorite songs.

But I just couldn’t feel her. What I felt was defective. I certainly couldn’t admit to people that my mom had not “reached out” to me. Was our relationship not as close as I had thought? Was she ok? Was she trying to reach out to me and I couldn’t hear her? I kept it to myself and just doubled-down on my efforts. I got a third tattoo quickly followed by a fourth one — a large tattoo with two yellow flowers and a white moth.

While I love my grief tattoos and the story they tell, a story of a daughter who desperately wants to be as close to her mother as possible, I still don’t feel my mom.

As the years have passed by, I feel less shame about this. I’m not the only one, it turns out, who hasn’t been able to “feel” their loved one. It turns out, none of us is a Jedi. I miss her. I miss her in a way that I didn’t know was possible. I feel so far from her. And that’s when I feel her.

I feel her in the way I can’t feel her at all. It is my sadness, the bittersweet joy of knowing that I once had the perfect mom for me, it is my longing that lets me feel her.

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271 Comments on "If She’ll Always Be With Me, Why Don’t I Feel Her?"

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  1. Roan  November 17, 2021 at 4:45 pm Reply

    I lost my mother April of 2020. She stopped smoking after her second heart attack at 65. And at 77 was diagnosed with lung cancer.

    She died April 24, 2020, one day after her 78th birthday, three months after her diagnosis.

    She was not an old old person. She ran her own business until the day of her diagnosis, when she stopped.

    She threw her own, “Death Becomes Her” party where everyone in her business world and personal friends and, of course, adult children were invited. Open bar. Tons of food. Lots of chit-chat and laughter.

    Then she was placed on hospice, took her first dose of morphine and anti-anxiety medication. And that was the last I saw of my mother. Not physically, of course. But the person that was to evolve from there on out was not my mother. She became mean and verbally abusive — something my sister, her main caretaker, took the brunt of.

    I stayed mostly absent. And drunk. And that’s the truth of it. I don’t feel a lot of guilt about that. She was being cared for at home, which was 30 miles from me, and we were all shut down and homebound for the beginning of COVID. My husband operates a store where he comes into contact with many people, and I was so scared that I would catch COVID and take it to her, and she would catch it, and have to be removed from her beautiful home as she died and it would be my fault.

    When I did visit her a couple times a week, I kept a distance, and suited up, as it were.

    We had some excellent nurses who alerted us when the end was near. So at that point all us children gathered around and waited. We were there for her last breath, which was, I must admit, anti-climactic. You hear stories of a death rattle and things. None of that happened. I had to touch her because I wasn’t even convinced she had stopped breathing.

    And just like that she was gone.

    I don’t miss her any more today than I did the first moment she took morphine, because after she took the morphine I never spoke to my mother again. Not literally. I mean, I never spoke to the woman I knew as my mother again. The morphine/cancer/dying woman was a different person I didn’t have the time to get to know or understand.

    I thought I would feel her, but I don’t. My sisters say they smell smoke. I don’t. I don’t smell anything. I don’t sense anything. I don’t feel anything.

    And that’s unusual for me. I have visitations all the time, and I have experiences all the time starting when I was 5 years old and my great-grandmother, whom I never met, visited me and rocked by my bed at night. She died very old, but when I saw her she was in her thirties.

    I’ve felt virtual strangers. The house my mother died in was purchased from a family whose mother was in the nursing home. Ms. Garrett. When Ms. Garrett died, I knew she had passed because she would bake in the kitchen and you would walk in to this warm, grandmother energy with this delicious smell of baking. And I knew it wasn’t my mother. She worked 15 hours a day and she didn’t bake. She barely cooked.

    I didn’t even know Ms. Garrett and I knew she was there.

    But not my mother. Not.A.Single.Thing.

    I did have a dream about her once. I don’t know if it was a visit. Usually my visits feel a certain way, and this didn’t really feel like that. But it wasn’t quite dreamy, either. So I don’t know.

    In the dream, I’m walking through her house — the house she died in — the old Garrett house — and she says to me, “So you’ve been looking into your past and doing all that healing sh**, huh?” And I said, “Yeah, Mom, I’m kind of liking it.” And she said, “Well, it’s all bullsh**.”

    And then I woke up. And it was totally something my mother would say and completely the attitude she would have.

    But nothing else.

    She wasn’t a tender person, you know? She wasn’t butterflies and pansies and things like that. She did love hummingbirds.

    She would have never wanted me to see her weak or think of her as weak. Which I never really understood. She didn’t mind if my sister saw her weak. But she wouldn’t allow me.

    She was truly the strongest, most capable, beautifully brilliant, humbly naive, fantastically fun person I have ever known.

    She was the love of my life. And I miss her beyond description. And I really wish I could feel her.

  2. Amanda  November 7, 2021 at 2:07 am Reply

    I lost my BEST FRIEND on July 27, 2021 – to a disease called ANNA-1 (less than 3% of the population get it…way to go mom, lol). This is for you Mommy.
    This is going to be a long post. But I appreciate those who will read it. I am 33 years old. My parents met when they were 16. They were married in 1981. My brother was born in 1983. My mom wanted a daughter so bad and they both kept trying. But every test was a negative. So they just gave up and said if they’re meant to have a daughter, they will. She always joked with me that I was stubborn. In 1988, SURPRISE! Manda is here 🙂
    Both of my parents always worked their butts off to give my brother and I what we NEEDED, but not always what we wanted. I had a VERY open relationship with both of my parents. I could talk to both of my parents about anything. And I mean ANYTHING! Nothing was off limits. Growing up, most teenagers have that phase where if their parents told them no, they would mutter under their breath that they hated them. I never had that. They let me experience life, while they were in the background watching. I may get shamed for this, but when I was around 13(ish), during special holidays, we all would share one or two airplane shots of alcohol as a family and just be together. I had the best parents.
    As a teenager I did minor mistakes like lie about where I was and normal teenage things. She was always the buffer between my dad and I. He wanted to be a little more strict at times but she talked him out of it. I did get in trouble a lot but they were still there for me. My dad was a trucker driver so I was naturally around my mom more than my dad. The things that woman did to make sure I went to school with shined/polished shoes, clothes ironed perfectly, went to every softball game, drove me 30 minutes each way to spend the night at a friend’s house, stayed up late just talking, played games, went shopping, nail salons, 90% of the time we ate a home cooked meal (at the table with all 4 of us – only one rule…no phones at the table), etc. It gave us a chance to talk about our days and just be a family. For my 18th birthday, as a graduation present, my parents sent me and my then first serious boyfriend to Jamaica for a week. They told us where to find certain herbs on the island (don’t judge), what restaurants to eat at, things to try, and so on. Blah blah blah, just giving a little back story.
    Before this, my brother lives in Washington, my parents live in Kentucky and I live in West Virginia (25 mins from my parents.) At the end of February 2021, my mom informed me that she had her first ever seizure the night before, and she blacked out for 20 minutes. Ok, kinda scary but she was showing no other signs that something was wrong. She wouldn’t go to the doctor for 2 weeks because she’s stubborn also (must be where I get it from). Finally we all talked her into checking into the ER for tests. They ran a bunch of scans and told her they would call her with the results. A couple weeks pass and I could see little things that were different about her. She started forgetting little things but nothing too serious. She had a few small panic attacks but basically seemed ok. In March, the hospital (that is 15 minutes from me – locations are very important, you’ll see why later) called her and said pack your bags, get in here now! Umm, what?? Cue my first panic. I told my mom that I would be there everyday with her.
    Once she was admitted, my dad informed me that (due to COVID), she was allowed ONE visitor per stay and we could not rotate days. UGH! Sucks but ok, this is what we have to do. My dad was there EVERY day with her and would send me pictures of her every once in awhile. I was so glad she had someone there with her everyday and I’m glad it was my dad. He told me “If anyone is going to be with her, it was going to be him.” Again, ugh but ok. She was in hospital for about a month, having 46 tiny seizures every night. The hospital she was in is a decently funded hospital but they do not have every machine for every disease. They couldn’t figure out what was wrong with her. My brother decided to fly in to be with my dad when I couldn’t. My brother texted me and said that he was getting ready to go into the hospital to see my mom. Wait…what?? What about me??
    (My brother left for the Air Force in 2001, and he hasn’t lived with my parents since. But I couldn’t be away from them. They’re all I have.)
    Ok, well since you haven’t seen her in a few years, ok, just tell mom that I love her. My dad did everything to get him in for a day. The next day, he goes back again. This is where I lose it. I did not want to push my dad out of the room, but while he went outside to smoke, I wanted to sneak up there and just hug her for 5 minutes every once in awhile. He didn’t want to jeopardize him being kicked out by sneaking me in and I get that, but he did it for my brother. So I called dad and said, “I’ll be there in 10 mins, stay outside!” Luckily my brother was there and he kept my dad outside. I snuck up and just sat with her and watched this beautiful lady sleep for the first time in a long time. I rubbed her hair and told her over and over how much I loved her and how she was going to get better and we’d all laugh at this one day. When she woke up, she didn’t know why she was in the hospital, didn’t know it was 2021, thought the president was Trump, and she kept asking why she couldn’t just go home. I witnessed for the first time this smart woman who did AutoCADD as a job (meaning she had brains) not know anything. Where was my mommy? She knew who I was thankfully. I did my best to calm her. I stayed with her for 20 minutes while my dad and brother ran errands. Before I knew it, visiting hours were over and I had to hug her goodbye.
    A month passed and she was having stable symptoms, seemed decent so the doctors decided to discharge her hoping the change in surroundings would give her a change of pace and help her heal. SHE GOT TO COME HOME! And I called off work the day they let her come home. I was NOT missing this! We got to their house and got her settled and I didn’t want to leave. But I have kids and I had to be a mommy too. I called and talked to her everyday while my daughter was in school and my boyfriend and me worked the next week. I went to see her the next weekend. She looked like my mommy, but she stopped taking care of herself. This was a woman who wouldn’t check the mail or go to the gas station without freshly ironed clothes, polished nails, hair done, makeup, heels, jewelry, the whole nine! Her teeth were beginning to yellow, her fingers were unpolished and yellow (she was a smoker), but she still looked so beautiful to me. She started to ask the same questions over and over and I answered them like it was her first time asking me. She kept telling me she was sooooo scared and I have never heard that from her. I kept saying she would be alright and I’ll get to see her grow old and watch her curl her white hair.
    A month passed and we get a call from the hospital. One of her scans came back and they didn’t like the results. They couldn’t actually say for sure what was wrong (limited means), but they didn’t like it. She was to pack her bags again and come back in for a room in ICU until Cleveland Clinic had an opening for her. They’re a little more advanced than a little old WV hospital Fudge!!! Alright, second run at thus hospital crap. A week or two after she was admitted into ICU, she was not getting better. They tried everything possible to help her. One decision was to put her into an induced coma to ‘reset’ her brain activity. She was under for 24 hours. They extended the coma for another 48 hours. She finally was brought out of it and she showed little improvement. YES! Baby steps! After the coma, I was begging my dad to let me in one more time before she was shipped 4 hours away from me. (The furthest I’ve been away from her, in my whole life, was about 25 miles). My brother talked my dad into letting me see her again. I got to feed her soup that I blew off so it wouldn’t burn her mouth (I spilled a few drips on her napkin bib that I put on her which we both laughed at), hand her soda, change her TV, make sure she was warm and comfy. She winked at me and told me I was the best and that she loved me. I hated for her to see a tear come out of eye. I hugged and kissed her as much as I could before I left. About a week later Cleveland had a bed for her. And off she went. I did not have a decent car to go on an 8 hour round trip to see her. I had to stay behind and watch their house and dogs. I would text her everyday and she would answer when she could. One day, she never answered. Dad told me she got her phone taken away from her because she called 911 because she couldn’t find her dogs. Whoops! Good job mom! :D. So all contact was done between her and I. My birthday is in July and I never got a phone call from her. Mid July, all the doctors, my mom’s brother, my brother, my dad and myself had a phone conference. They finally diagnosed her with a small patch of lung cancer. Her body produced (I’m no doctor so bear with me) antibodies to fight it off. The antibodies ended up attacking her whole body from the inside out. At the beginning of the conversation I heard my mommy say, “Happy birthday baby!” I wish I recorded that because that would be the last time I’d hear a happy birthday from my mom. During the conversation, my dad spoke up and said, “How much longer does she have?” Of course they couldn’t give a time of death on a living being. She had one month to one year left to live. My WHOLE world was shattered by those words. I almost broke my hand. One of my friends made it a point to take me on the 8 hour round trip to see my mom. They all knew how I couldn’t see her when she was so close to me. I got to see her one last time with her eyes open. She remembered my friend but not me. I got to hold her one more time while she was moving around. I hugged her, rubbed her back, scratched her head, changed her diaper, and talked with her for the last time. The look in her eyes scared the s*** out of me. I have never seen her look at me that way. I have never seen her so scared, hopeless, defeated. (She lost her mom when I was 16, her dad when I was 24 and she never cried in front of me. She would tear up but never bawled in front of me. She had to be a strong mommy for my brother and me).
    I joked with her saying when God calls her home, she better let me know she’s ok. She gave a faint smile and moaned when I told her she did her job as a mommy and it was my turn now. I barely got the words ‘Go home’ to your parents out. And she drifted off the sleep (seizure medication took a lot out of her). I told her I loved her and I’d see her soon. July 15th(ish) my dad called me at work and asked when I can take time off. I knew it. The doctors called my dad and told him that they didn’t know how much longer they could keep her alive. I told him I’d leave right now, just say the words. My dad, my daughter and me raced back up to Cleveland for the final time. (My daughter hasn’t seen my mom this whole time. I asked my daughter if she wanted to go see ‘Morey’, her name for my mom, one more time and she told me her bag was already packed). So off we went. When I saw her again, her breathing was very labored, forced, and she had no life. She would sit up when she heard us in the room, but that was all we got out of her. All three of us said our Cleveland goodbyes and we told her she’ll be close to home in two days.
    My dad and I did everything we could to get her as close to home as possible when hospice was ready for her. She ended up in a nursing home (midway between their house and mine), and my dad took the oxygen off of her once she was settled (she wouldn’t want to live like that and we all knew it). She held on for two days, almost like she was waiting on family to come in before she left. We all went home on July 26th, planning on being back at the nursing home first thing in the AM.

    We we’re too late. She went home bright and early the next morning, alone, with no family around her to comfort her. She passed, at age 59, two months shy of their 40th anniversary.

    My mom was my BEST FRIEND! I hope that my dad didn’t tell her that I didn’t want to see her this whole time. I feel that’s why I can’t feel her. My mom and I believe in the afterlife. I have had 4 dreams about her and in every dream she has hugged everyone else, but me. My boyfriend had a dream about her too. In his dream, she walked into our living room, I was cooking or something, and she sat him down on the couch and told him, “Don’t let anyone forget about me!” He tried to get her into the kitchen to see me but she wouldn’t go. She always called me her angel. Why am I being punished? Why won’t she hug me? I just want to see her one more time and let her know that I’ll always need her in my life. I have always been somewhat depressed, but for the first time in my life, I AM BROKEN! I AM DEAD INSIDE! She took a part of me with her. I feel so bad because my kids are suffering because I’m withdrawn. How did she do it with us? I’m trying to be strong. She taught me everything in life – except how to live without her. I feel so guilty that I get to wake up everyday, but that innocent angel doesn’t.

    Sorry for the HUGE rant, but it feels good to get it off my chest. Any advice would be helpful…

    Thank you!! <3

  3. Kathryn  November 4, 2021 at 8:59 pm Reply

    I lost my mama January 20, 2019. My soul is forever broken. I’ve really been missing her. I stumbled upon this article, which happened to have been written in my birthday. I needed this. Thank you.

  4. Michelle Ricci  November 1, 2021 at 10:00 pm Reply

    She couldn’t let go until you left I truly believe that….does it tell you anything? You were there for a week straight and she didn’t let go until you left…I didn’t know at the time but she told her Social worker that she didn’t want my sister and I to witness her taking her last breath…..my mom and I were so close she lived with me for over 20 years….since I was 17….I told her I was going home to shower and sleep in my bed for one night but my daughter was coming…..she said ok honey so love you so much and she hugged me so tight…she had no strength but that night she hugged me tighter than she ever had… please excuse my writing , I’m crying as I read this….my daughter got there shortly after I got home and said momma she is going now esponsive and I can’t wake her up but since she had been doing this on and off o wasnt too worried, well that was on a Thursday and she didn’t wake up after that…that is what they call transitioning in the hospice world. Sunday comes and her little lips were so cracked and so dry so I got one of those green glycerine sticks (they look like a lollipop) omg she opened her mouth and starting sucking on it because she was so dehydrated, my sister said her breathing was shallow, I think o was already in shock because I knew we were losing her…all I was thinking was omg omg why didn’t I get her ice chips or something this whole time ( the nurses told her not to put any liquid in her mouth bc she could choke) but omg ice chips would hurt…why didn’t I think of that!….so I go almost robot like and said very calmly can I get ice chips and btw my mother is barely breathing…the nurse got up to go to her room to check her vitals and said she’s going….my sister said a few hours maybe? He said no a few seconds. As we stand there watching her take her last breath it was like I was standing in a horrible nightmare , surely it’s not our mom that’s dying…well it was like that for months and I never felt that she was with me.We would joke and laugh and I would say momma if I go first I will make sure to get a message to you and she would say stop I have lost two children God would never take you from me but when I die I swear you will know I’m with you..:well like you I’m waiting….sometimes I feel that somebody is with me and I have never believed in things like that…..it’s so weird ….I feel a presence so strong I’ll look behind me….I would give anything to see or hear her . I am a Christian and my mom always taught me that you have to be careful of psychics or things like that …if not for that I would have already contacted one….I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to say all of this I was just going to say that I feel what you are feeling. I never have written about this and it feels really therapeutic…. Thankyou!…:Michelle Ricci (that is my Facebook name also…I live in Louisiana)

  5. Byran  October 31, 2021 at 8:19 pm Reply

    I lost my son March 29 2021 and I believe he visited me the next day I found out about it. He didn’t speak or anything just stood in the corner and looked down upon me. Since then I haven’t had a thing. I wear his chain. I wear his clothes. He’s on my mind constantly. His mother says he comes quite often to her, but nothing for me. Did I not love him enough? He was my world so I doubt that , but it still creeps into my thoughts. Before he passed I got all kinds of signs to talk to him and spend as much time with him as I could. Now I just feel empty inside. I’ve did everything to honor him and I still feel as if I’m not doing something right.

    • Michelle Ricci  November 1, 2021 at 10:09 pm Reply

      Bryan I am so sorry a parent should never have to lose their child…..my heart is broken for you…my sister and I grieve together when tradegy happens but I couldnt this time but I told her I would hold her hand and walk with her..of course I grieve for him, he was my nephew and I loved him but I couldn’t imagine her pain…again she m so sorry and you are in my prayers.

  6. thegrievingheart  October 21, 2021 at 1:36 pm Reply

    I have been thinking of the exact same thing ever since my grandmom passed away last month. I have been looking for signs everywhere to feel her presence, but I can’t. Everytime I think of it, I am consumed by an overwhelming wave of guilt.

    I had come home to be with my grandparents due to the whole work from home situation. It was a blessing in disguise. But I feel guilty that I did not make use of the blessing like I should have. She loved me so much. To the extent where she would keep my favorite cup away inside her cupboard only to give me when I come home, and noone else. She would ask me a hundred million times about what I want to eat and drink even though I am not a fussy eater. She is probably the only one who pampered me in my entire life. And I lost that one person. In the last two months, she constantly asked me to spend time with her by sitting next to her every single day. And what did I do? I prioritized my work and alone time over everything else, and hardly spent time with her. I would do anything to get those moments back and spend every single day next to her, if I could turn back time. I had to lose her to the damned covid for me to realise how much I love her. God, I miss her so much.

    And now when I don’t feel her presence, I feel like, she is probably mad at me, that I did not spend time with her, like she wanted me to.

  7. Chelle  October 17, 2021 at 4:30 am Reply

    Cara Jeanne, may I ask what songs were favorites of hers that you had mentioned playing on her piano? Thx. 🎹🎶🎵

  8. Chelle  October 17, 2021 at 4:21 am Reply

    Reading Cara Jeanne’s story was like reading about my mom and me!!! I felt such sorrow for her yet strangely a comfort in that someone else on this earth feels so similar to how I’ve been feeling. It’s as if I’m not feeling completely alone! The world hasn’t been the same since she passed in hospice as well six years ago and the grief hasn’t diminished whatsoever. I know full well that my mom would want me to be happy. I never faced the grief after she passed although hospice had offered additional support. I’m glad that I found this site this evening and read Cara’s post that resonated with me so much. I’m grateful she shared her experience. I’m sending peace to all who grieve with us this evening and hope as well that we find some comfort through each day as we remember that love never dies. Blessings.

  9. Sharon  October 12, 2021 at 7:07 pm Reply

    My mom died 9 days ago. We’re so close. I was with her when she died. I do not feel her at all and I’m shocked and I feel so alone. She’s just gone! It’s so hard.

    • Chelle  November 5, 2021 at 2:23 am Reply

      Sharon I’m so sorry!! Life can be so cruel and hard as hell that I’ve at times questioned whether this lifetime might just indeed be “hell.” I hope that you have some support and reach out for perhaps any additional support if you feel the need. I bet you feel “shock” among many other emotions. I hope you are being kind to yourself (as can be) as well!!! Maybe we can’t feel anything from them with what is obvious to us and what we are most familiar on earth?? I don’t know so dam many different thoughts about that sort of stuff for me now. But Sharon, I will be praying for you and sending good vibes for comfort and peace. Blessings!!!

  10. Kimberly  October 10, 2021 at 8:17 pm Reply

    Everyone talks about knowing their parent was dying. Cancer or other illness. I had no idea my mom was going to die. No signs whatsoever. I am an only child as far as my mom. She was and had always been my best friend and biggest supporter. I found my mother deceased in her kitchen floor September 10th 2021. I am numb. The day I found her I remember having a severe panic attack and couldn’t breathe I screamed over and over but I don’t remember crying. My husband said I did. I miss her more than I ever dreamed I could miss a person. I’m mad at God because I feel like he cheated me. I’m mad that I didn’t check on her sooner. I’m mad at my uncle who lives next door who had keys to the house and could have check on her any day. I wanna cry. I want to cry so hard that it exhausts me.I feel like I’m on autopilot and just going through the motions. I have business to take care of, her house to pack up and I think my mind can’t go any further than all of that just yet. I’m an only child which means I’m left to take care of everything including the funeral bill. My mom a no burial or life insurance. I’m hoping after all that is taken care of that I can finally just break down. I’m exhausted mentally and physically. None of this seems real to me. I’m lost.

    • Sky  October 14, 2021 at 12:51 am Reply

      You may be an only child, but you’re not alone in your grief, Kimberly. You may feel that you are, but you’re not. Lost my mother on September 20 & although I have 3 siblings, no one was involved in her care but me. I loved her more than anything. Been feeling unmoored in the last 3+ weeks. At best I feel bland, at worst I’m a bit of a mess. Deeply sorry for the loss & pain you’re enduring. Can’t take it away, but please know I join you in your grief.

    • Nicola  October 14, 2021 at 3:38 am Reply

      I am so very sorry for your loss 🙏🏻 I lost my dad in 2016, and it was the first family death I had ever felt. My grandparents all but one, died when I was a child and not really aware, and the last died during a period of dysfunction in the family, so I didn’t get to say goodbye. His death changed me as a person, and has blown my world apart. All the trauma of my childhood, to which he played a part in, has come to the surface, and I won’t lie, some days I don’t know how I live. I have tried to counteract this with looking for reasons to live, nature is a big influence for me. I feed birds, look at beautiful flowers, and try and be kind to all I meet. I suppose I’m just saying take everyday as it comes, every hour if need be. Reach out to friends and family, or even strangers, who have been through what you have been through! Talk about it, and it comes up and out, instead of festering inside. Speak, and treat yourself, with kindness and compassion. Your soul has had a beating, and needs time to heal. It’s a difficult road ahead, but one day it will be a gentle slope rather than a steep incline, and you’ll look back and see how far you’ve come. All the best to you and your family, I wish you well.

    • Sophia Rodriguez  October 23, 2021 at 2:55 am Reply

      I’m so sorry to hear this..
      I am an only child as well, my mom passed away in July of this year.. I am 22 and I hadn’t physically seen my mom in 4 years because I cared too much about my current boyfriend to fly out and see her (you can imagine my guilt) but her and I would video call almost everyday and she was truly my best friend.. My mother struggled with addiction therefore my father had custody over me so our encounters with one another physically were limited as she lived in another state. I flew out for the funeral.. 1200 miles away from what i call home and the experience still feels like a fever dream. Some days are easier than others but tonight has been brutally painful to be honest. I miss her so much and long to hear her voice.. My mom passed away alone in her bed most likely from withdrawal. I can’t imagine the amount of pain she must have been in if you know anything about addiction. The toll it physically must’ve taken on her as she was passing makes me sick to think of. My mommy loved me dearly and would cry to me all the time about how much she wished she wasn’t ill and how badly she wanted to just be my mom and take care of me. I don’t have siblings as i stated and my friends don’t quite understand this grief because they haven’t experienced it .. It’s extremely lonely and conflicting and I would do anything to have at least one person to share my pain with. I missed my moms last phone call because I was out partying with friends. I feel this immense amount of guilt and emptiness inside that’s just so unbearable I force myself to not think about her too much because It just hurts so much I can’t stand it.
      As much as it saddens me to read these comments.. I also feel comfort in knowing I’m not alone with these confusing and some times dark thoughts.
      I sleep with the blankie my mom made me as a child every night.

  11. Susan  September 15, 2021 at 12:31 am Reply

    This is really beautiful, this really helped me today, its almost been 7 years and every year it just gets harder.

    • Connie  September 27, 2021 at 10:45 pm Reply

      I am so heartbroken, I am numb most days, I cannot begin to explain the emptiness I feel daily. My heart seems like it doesnt even work the same. I lost my mom in May 2021, I have yet to feel her presence maybe it’s because I cannot accept the fact that shes gone. I cant go on much more with this horrific pain I carry daily its unbearable. I need to know shes here and is with me so desperately please advise

      • Litsa  October 1, 2021 at 1:30 pm

        Connie, I would suggest you reach out to a grief counselor or a grief support group to help you cope with the immense pain you are feeling. If you are ever thinking of hurting yourself, please know that you can contact someone 24/7 at the suicide helpline https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ (for an online chat) or call 1-800-273-8255. They can be a huge support in the darkest of moments.

      • Dana Taylor  October 31, 2021 at 1:43 am

        I also am a only child..Mine dropped dead at the front door of her house October 5th 2021 just almost 4 weeks Tuesday.
        I’m devastated totally lost and shattered.
        I feel nothing as far as spiritual..I keep wondering if I ever will…I’ve packed her house moved my grown adult children in her house ive cleared out storage units..a box trailer and worked non stop to take care of all her belongings ..the most beautiful funeral..still no feeling of her presence…I know your pain.

  12. ANGIE S.  September 6, 2021 at 12:21 pm Reply

    I just lost my mother on 8/27/2021. We weren’t close, but I was her only child. I also sat with her all of the 5 days she was in the hospice in patient unit. I talked to her, I did everything people say to do when a loved one is dying. I cried over her when they called and said she passed. Both my mom and I believe in the after-life and I was really looking forward to communicating with her once she passed. But, just like the rest of the comments, I haven’t heard or seen anything yet. I do remember the day before she died, I went outside on my way to see her, and there must have been about 3 dozen dragonflies flying in my front yard, and I thought to myself, maybe her soul is free and that’s how she was telling me, even though neither of us idolized dragonflies. I did buy a dragonfly pendent months ago and she commented on it and how she never sees me wear jewelry anymore, and she really liked the one I had. Maybe the connection comes before they pass? I don’t know. I just know I already miss her daily calls for no reason except to ask silly questions-in hindsight it was loneliness rather than the thing she was calling about. Anyway, thanks for having this post, it helped a lot more than I thought it would.

    • Teri  October 18, 2021 at 12:52 am Reply

      My mom passed 8/23/2021. I keep waiting to “feel” her. I never really believed in an after life, but I was sure if there was one, she’d let me know. She’d find a way to communicate to me. She was the strongest person I knew, if anyone could do it, she would be able to do it. I don’t like when people tell me that she’s always with me, that she’s watching over me. Bc I don’t feel that way at all. I feel empty. Maybe one day, I’ll feel her. I try. I try, but I don’t feel her at all. And it’s just a sad reminder when people say that she’ll always be with me. I feel the opposite. I feel her gone. I feel her missing. People say that eventually things will remind me of her and make me smile, but all the things that remind me of her, make me miss her and cry. This is a loss I could never have fathomed. I just feel alone without her.

  13. Kelley  September 2, 2021 at 8:17 pm Reply

    I needed so badly to read that someone else is going through/has gone through this. I lost my mom almost exactly three months ago. We had a tumultuous relationship, but I know that the love was always there. I had hoped that maybe after her life on earth without the alcoholism present that she and I could at last have the relationship I always wanted with her. I talk to her constantly, but I never see, hear, or feel anything in return. I feel abandoned. I just wish so badly I were more sensitive to what is beyond the here and now.

    • Tanya Nazar  October 1, 2021 at 10:33 am Reply

      I lost my son 22 months ago.i feel worse now than ever did . Gets harder .I see so many people have dreams of loved ones .I so wish everyday for a visit sign and nothing .why don’t I? His 30 birthday was Dec 2 he died dec 6 .dec is the worse month his bday his death day them xmas without him ..I tried asking him I have pics all over of him but nothing. His brother has dreams all the time .family have recieved messages through mediums I think.and me nothing .

    • Karen  October 4, 2021 at 3:45 pm Reply

      I stumbled across this article when I needed it the most. I had a very close relationship with my Dad, who I lost a little more than two months ago. My Dad was of the belief that ‘you don’t know until you go’. His death was expected. And we had some talks, where I told him that I would welcome visits from the other side. And that I believe in mediums. After he passed, and I was saying my goodbye, I asked him to visit often. Since he’s passed, I’ve cried out for his spirit daily. I keep asking and waiting for ‘signs’ that he’s okay. Anytime I hear about someone experiencing an undoubted sign their lives one is okay, I can’t help but wonder, why not me? I want to see a medium. However, there is so much riding on it being a positive experience, that I keep putting it off. If nothing else, it’s a comfort to hear others who can relate.

  14. Carole  August 29, 2021 at 3:27 pm Reply

    I lost my Dad eight years ago.
    I was extremely close to him. He was the trunk of our family tree. I am one of six children.
    Three boys and three girls. Since by Dad has passed I haven’t felt his presence. If I dream of him , of course I do not remember.
    I went to a sympathy meduim once . She certainly made me feel like he was with me. She told me that my Dad was telling her that he was always in my car with me. She said she heard loud music. Which is true I always play loud music while driving. She also told me things that she could of never known. She also mentioned family members names that where with my Dad at the time of our session. My question is, why don’t I feel him or hear him. I do believe that after we die there is another life. A life of pure love, joy, and happiness.
    But why can’t I feel him? Feel his presence ? Is it because I am grieving still. A lot.

  15. Rebecca Welch  August 14, 2021 at 2:56 am Reply

    Thank you so much for sharing I really needed to hear this tbh I lost both my grandad and mom to covid January this year and it absolutely has tore my life apart I feel like a big part of me is missing without my mom and grandad at my side I got really upset when I couldnt really feel her especially when I went to visit her grave whenever I’m upset I talk to her and just wanted to feel something other than heartache and so alone my sister who was with her when she died said that she could feel the signs that my mom was with her and I got really upset like maybe I’d let her down and wasnt good enough but your right we cant always feel the presence of those we lose but it doesnt mean they aren’t with us because in our hearts they can never be replaced I’ve got to let go of feeling so guilty and the pressure of trying to keep that bond alive we dont always feel or see the signs that our loved ones are with us but that doesnt mean they arent X

  16. Shelly  August 7, 2021 at 10:48 pm Reply

    I lost my mother 8 years ago and it hurts no less then the day I lost her. I have PTSD due to the things that took place during that horrible time. I get angry as I don’t feel it was right she had to die. I miss my mom and I need her and I’m never gonna see her or hug her or hear her voice again and even tho 8 years has passed I can’t seem to feel any better.

  17. Cece  June 29, 2021 at 8:59 pm Reply

    I feel exactly how this article is stating when my dad passed I smelled him heard his voice my mom has passed and I don’t feel her hear her only filmy sadness

    • Leanne  July 18, 2021 at 2:39 am Reply

      This is me exactly, except I haven’t seen a medium though I want to. Nearly 3 months since I lost Mum and I desperately want to feel her presence but I don’t and it’s so upsetting. I know how much she loved us all and I can’t understand how some people feel their loved ones and some of us can’t 😢

      • Lindsey  August 14, 2021 at 12:40 am

        I have struggled so hard to feel my grandma. I want her to talk to me in my dreams but she only has once since she passed Nov ’19. I pray, I cry, I try to remember everything about her and everything she ever said, I hold her pictures and her letters and I ask God why He won’t let me feel her. I think about everything that I am probably doing wrong so she doesn’t want me to feel her near me. Sometimes though, things go really right for me and I know she had something to do with it. Even then, I want her to be with me, with me. Like by my side chatting with me.

        What you wrote is the first time I had someone describe what I long for. Grandma wasn’t a Jedi and neither am I, I guess. I hope that she knows how much I miss her and love her.

      • myra  September 11, 2021 at 6:50 pm

        Hi, I feel exactly like you. I lost mum on 22nd July. She had a stroke and was utterly miserable before she died. Because of the person she was, very loving and maternal, I imagined I would feel her near me always and that there would be “signs.” I have felt nothing and feel disappointed because of this. However, I dearly hope that she is at peace, but mum, let me know you are near.

  18. Heidi  June 25, 2021 at 9:00 pm Reply

    I lost my Mom three weeks ago. I am a constant emotional mess.
    I’ve tried to describe to those around me exactly what you’ve said here… I feel like she is so far away!
    I feel as though she passed 20 years ago.
    I was my mom’s caregiver, 24/7. She was my best friend too.
    When I don’t feel her with me then the anxiety sets in.
    It’s devastating.

  19. Yaya  June 17, 2021 at 3:02 pm Reply

    Honestly this story describes me. I feel like someone read all of me . I am anxious to hear from my Mum it’s been 3 weeks she went, yet not even a dream of her. We were best of friends but life seemingly will not led us have it our way.

  20. Utkarsh Singh  June 14, 2021 at 11:20 am Reply

    I lost my mom in second wave of. Covid on 23rd May. She was discharged from the Hospital on 2nd of May & when we were thinking that now she is fine suddenly on 23rd of May she suffered a Cardiac Arrest(Possibly) & with in a matter of few seconds when she has said that she won’t survive now, she has tried her best to reach to the Toilet & collapsed in the ground & taken her last breathe in my wife’s lap. I am the only child of her & the emotions I am going through since her demise is totally beyond anything. She was quiet upset with me & in depression coz of my love marriage but after my son’s birth she was slowly coming out of that depression & was at my place in Delhi along with my Dad to take care of my son. I was quiet happy that at last family has united but God has some other plans. I am under complete numbness what to do & how I spend my life without her as I never think she will leave me too early!” I see her daily in my Dreams & pray that some day I too get unite with her!”

    • Sabeena  June 15, 2021 at 11:14 am Reply

      I am so sorry. I can understand what a feeling of loss it must be. I returned to India in 2019 after more than a decade abroad, and I was happy thinking that my parents and my kids could finally be together instead of watching each other over Skype on weekends. A few months later, my Dad passed away and all my dreams were shattered. He could have been a true grandfather, and I feel that just when we were finally going to be together as a family, God had to rip us apart.
      I have no answers for you. All I can say is that it has taken me more than a year, but finally I am coming to the stage where I am slowly looking forward to life again. Yes I still think of when I can be united with my Dad again but I hope whenever that happens, he will be proud of me for the life I have lived.
      Stay strong. From what you have said, it sounds like your mother didn’t suffer much in her last moments and had an easy passing. She was with her family at the very end, take some solace in that. My Dad spent seven weeks in the ICU before he finally succumbed, and that memory is more painful than his actual passing, because he really wanted to go home but we could only bring his body home.
      So try to find some peace in these things. Your mother was able to spend her last days seeing her family and grandson and hopefully she found fulfilment in her life. She will want you to be happy and content, and give it time, one day you will think of her and smile at her memory. One day it will stop being so painful, trust me. Keep the faith.

    • Robert Aldridge  August 8, 2021 at 7:44 pm Reply

      My friend and all those grieving losing loved one I know exactly how you feel I lost my beautiful fairy princess 3 years 3-months and 4 days ago and for the first two and a half years I saw mediums psychics and I had some amazing messages from spirit messages that only I and my wife so could never know things that will be tween up only I had some amazing readings that stunned me however suddenly for the last 6-months I feel no connection lol I cannot feel her cuddle me I cannot feel a hold my hand or talk to me me and very occasionally I have a very brief dream of her I do find it very very very difficult living without because she truly is my soulmate my other heart she is me I am her fortunately I’m surrounded by love we have three amazing children and my brothers and sisters are amazing too but no matter how much love I have around me I still need my suit to contact me from spirit to reassure me to hold my hand net world into this world I’ve been told many things that she is trying to give me time to move on on etc but no nothing I hear jumpers me in any way whatsoever the only jump I will get and I pray to the lord for this that is one day day I will hear about this again I will see her face again and I will feel her cuddle me from spirit whoever you are and wherever you are you’ve lost someone you loved I send my heart to you God bless you all

  21. April  June 7, 2021 at 8:26 pm Reply

    I lost my mom 2 years ago and I feel the same way. I cry and even scream as I hold my necklace with her fingerprint on it. I can find no peace. I hope in your journey that you can.

    • Sarita Singh  June 11, 2021 at 7:31 pm Reply

      My mother died 3 mths back , I saw her through a video call , I feel if I would have got the chance to shake her , she would have got up from the long sleep, I miss her terribly , think of her every minute, want to talk to her, want to listen to her stories which earlier I ignored…
      Why didn’t I ever realized that she can also die.
      She bothered for my food even while leaving for the hospital,and I was so careless ..
      I am so restless I want to know where is she, want to see her, hear her voice..
      I’m scared that the memories of her sight doesn’t fade away with time..
      Her voice has already becoming very dim on my hear ..pls I don’t want it to disappear.

      • Sonia  June 22, 2021 at 8:18 am

        Hey Sarita,

        I m feeling the same, terribly missing my.mom….and too scared her memories will fade…just forgetting how she spoke, how she ate how she walked …..its really a terrible feeling….want to see her touch her and talk to her.. y i didnt spent time with her earlier …how bad i was…..pls someone reunite me with her…

  22. Sinead  June 3, 2021 at 10:19 pm Reply

    THIS! Truly all of this.💔💔💔💔

  23. Deepti  June 3, 2021 at 4:15 pm Reply

    I lost my mom on 10th may 2021 due to covid, on mothers day.
    My relatives saw her in their dreams but i didn’t. Feeling the same way u felt

    • June  June 15, 2021 at 12:26 am Reply

      Same here :'( she passed away a year ago and all my relatives kept telling stories of how she visited them, but i have yet to get a visit from her and i feel really broken since i really really miss her :'(

      • Robert Aldridge  August 8, 2021 at 7:48 pm

        June I’m sorry for your loss of your mother however something I must say is I once got a spiritual reading from my Sue and my son was saying why doesn’t mum ever visit me me and the psychic lady said that Sue said he will visit you one day however she has to heal your dad first maybe your mum is trying to heal those first because you know you are stronger than they are I wish you well

    • Ang  September 4, 2021 at 7:27 am Reply

      Greetings All! Thank you for writing/sharing my secret thoughts. I lost my husband on 7/19/21. We traveled for a living and was together everyday all day for the 5 years we were given. We both contracted Covid and went to the hospital together,I survived and he didnt…..It hurts but I feel guilty that I don’t always feel sad. It’s weird…I am at peace knowing he’s no longer suffering and that he’s with his family (he was the last person in his immediate family so there was a great sadness there)..I often wonder if that’s why I don’t feel him,see him or smell him. Is it because I’m happy he’s no longer sad? But then I have conversations with his close friends and they have all told me that they dream of him and have felt him hug them. Why not me? Again thank you for sharing and letting me know I’m not alone. I ask for peace to you all.

  24. Katie  June 2, 2021 at 6:27 pm Reply

    My heart goes out to everyone commenting here. One thing that helps me is to think about the ways that who I am has been affected by all the people I’ve known and loved. The people you are closest to affect you the most. Even at a time when you are not consciously remembering them they are part of you because who you are today has been shaped by having them in your life. How has that affected you? What did you learn from them? What did they share with you? What did you experience with them? You might not be able to feel them, but they are with you all the same. Always will be.

  25. Greg  June 1, 2021 at 5:25 pm Reply

    Last April I lost my father to dementia then mom’s sister , my wife of 36 years passed of cancer at home on hospice . Then a high school buddy died of a heart attack . A week before Christmas I went into hospital with covid and double pneumonia, second day in hospital my oldest brother’s wife died of heart attack in the night . Then three days after Valentine’s Day my mother passed at 89 . I have many days I just start crying and ask god why . It’s been a year now and I don’t think I will ever feel my wife’s presence. Will this ever get better ? I miss my wife so very much , still coping .

    • Carole  August 29, 2021 at 3:46 pm Reply

      I am so sorry for all your losses. For one person to go through what u have been is so extremely unfair. I lost my Dad eight years ago , he was 84. I just recently lost my oldest brother 5 months ago. He was only 62.
      I was extremely close to both of them. I took care of both of them until the moment they passed.
      And still haven’t felt either ones presence.
      All I can , come up with is perhaps some people , like u and myself are looking and waiting to much to feel our loved ones. Just please do not give up. I believe in my heart and soul that my loved ones are waiting for me . For me to stop grieving so much. Than , perhaps that’s when it will happen.
      My heart goes out to u.
      God Bless!

  26. Preeti  May 31, 2021 at 11:44 pm Reply

    I have lost my parents on January I am the youngest one and they use to love me a lot. My sister and brother they get my parents dream but till now I have not spoken to them even in my dreams. In a day almost 10 times I use to call my mom and talk my dad n mom use to know I am sad or disturb even if I don’t tell them. But this is killing me from inside that why I am not able to talk to them or can’t feel them. If anybody knows anything how to get connect with them plz let me know. I know I am not the only one who can’t feel their loved one but not talking to them is killing me. And how come they are connected to my siblings.

    • Ms.pisces  June 6, 2021 at 6:50 am Reply

      Be patient love . One thing about spirits is they hear us ! They see everything . They are with us when we least expect it . I never feel my moms presence she’s been gone almost 2 years . But she does visit me in my dreams often ! Speak out loud and also in your mind they can connect thru us telepathically …. Also speak out loud and ask for visitations ! They like to come visit us especially around birthdays , anniversaries! My mom came to visit me in my dreams on my birthday ! She told me she hears me all the time ….. write it on paper that u want a visitation speak it out loud ! Light a white candle ! I’m a Pisces so I guess it’s easier for my mom to come to me more than my other siblings . Pisces are somewhat psychic and we’re connected to the spirit world in many ways. But your mom sees you , she’s comes and visits you !

      • Mari G.  June 10, 2021 at 10:06 pm

        Hi Fellow Pisces, I lost my dad in late May of this year and I soo want to believe he is around but sometimes we just want that tangible reassurance he really is okay. I often wonder if the other realm is so heavenly, why they cant just come to us in a way we will know its them? Maybe if this happened, death would stop being seen as a scary thing and feared. I wish with all.my soul and heart I could get a surefire sign he IS with me but I have not felt anything and it makes me sad and depressed and hampers my grieving process.

      • Robert Aldridge  August 8, 2021 at 7:53 pm

        Hi from another Pisces lol I bought a post on here a little while ago about my lost and what else I’d like to say is even though no I feel so isn’t around no more she used to be in spirit please post comfort me greatly because I’m store person that although I’m surrounded by love of I can’t actually result na of this we talking but really these posts makes me realise I’m not mad it is not just me there are so so many people feeling the same as I do and to everybody thank you because it does give me comfort to know no I’m not alone and now I feel about losing my fairy princess

  27. Roxie  May 28, 2021 at 9:27 pm Reply

    I lost my mom a month ago. I didn’t think she was going to die. I have been with her all of my life. The last 4 months I stopped working so I could take care of her. I haven’t felt her since she passed away. I had to make the decision to put her on palative care. The doctors told me she wasn’t going to get better. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Now I think she’s mad at me for the decision I made and that’s why I don’t feel her.I never knew I could miss someone as much as I miss my mom. I never thought I could love someone as much as love my mom. I don’t know what to do. I’m so sad that it’s hard to even get up in the morning and I’m so lonely. It’s like a have a giant hole in my heart that just keeps getting bigger.

    • Aggie  June 12, 2021 at 2:19 am Reply

      Roxie, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mother May 13 2021. I took care of her for
      6 months. Even though she was sick it
      was so wonderful that she was here with my
      brother and me. I can’t feel her. I have some
      psychic ability so I am very upset. She was
      in Hospice for 3 days. I know she heard me.
      The nurse told me hearing was the last to
      go. My sister and me read to her. She loved
      mysteries. She held on my hand briefly and
      let go. She was 94 years old and had very
      little strength left. I couldn’t sleep that night.
      Nobody said she was near death. She died
      the next morning at 8:30am. I wished I had
      stayed the night with her. My soul even aches. I want her back! I have other family
      members I am close to but not like
      her. I would do anything to help my family
      but I have no mental room for them. I want her! I am so consumed with grief. I bought
      iron on patches from Amazon eBay. They
      have half a black and half a pink ribbon for
      loss of a mother. Her name was Julie. Stay
      safe Roxie. What is your mother’s name?


  28. Anthony  May 17, 2021 at 5:06 pm Reply

    I just found this website by chance. The love of my life died of cancer at the beginning of April. I haven’t experienced pain like this before. She was only 48. I can’t believe she is in the ground when she should be loving life. She was also so young at heart, I know she is no longer here but it is so hard to accept it. I don’t really believe in the afterlife. I don’t really know whether that is a good or bad thing. I want to see her again. I’m sorry for everyone on here experiencing grief. I just keep telling her I love her and will never forget her.

  29. Akanksha  May 16, 2021 at 7:05 am Reply

    Going through all these comments is helping me to cope up with the untimely demise of my brother. I lost him just 3 days ago to covid-19. He was, and will always be a father figure to me. We were a family of 4, Mom, Dad, my brother and me. 3 years back, my father abandoned us….to live somewhere else. He was never attached to the family. We were devastated. My Mom had to live alone since then, as my brother and I had jobs in different cities. Later my brother moved in with mom, to take care of her. He took responsibility of the family. He became the gaurdian. He loved me and mom so much. He had always put our happiness before his own. Now, we lost him too. Me and my mom are devastated. My mom was there with him during his last days of battling with covid…… But I wasn’t. My heart is wrenching…. Lot of emotions going on… I’m feeling sad, angry, regret, confused. I loved my brother very much, I’m missing him from the core of my heart. And will be missing him all the time. I can’t even cry….. As I have to stay strong for my mom. I want to cry my heart out….. But I can’t. If I get to know, that my brother is doing okay wherever he is…. It will give me some comfort…. Some strength to move on… And to take care of my Mom. All I want is, one sign….one assurance, that he is okay, and is there for us..that he will be our gaurdian angle, as he always was….. I’m not sure how to cope up with this…. Not sure how to get strength to take care of the remaining family now…. Not sure. I wish he was there to guide me… As he would always do.

    • Anuradha  June 6, 2021 at 12:25 am Reply

      Akansha, your comment felt like I have written it. I lost my brother 5 months ago and my mom and I are devastated. He was my best friend in the whole world. I don’t know how to go on. I so want to feel he’s there somewhere but I can’t. I am angry and depressed. 🙁

  30. varsha  May 10, 2021 at 10:29 am Reply

    hi i lost my mum last month and i am experiencing the same situation.i just want a sign to know she is fine maybe.i think about her everyday and miss her so much.

  31. Jacinta Irvine  May 9, 2021 at 6:44 am Reply

    I’ve just come across this page and needed to comment. My dad passed away in February and I must say I feel the same . I feel nothing . I feel as though I have lost my spirituality. I used to have hope that I would feel something and have signs but I feel as thought it was just the end . I’ve seen some signs but is it just coincidence. It’s just very hard to believe that there is an after life . I hope there is one but I have little faith there is.
    I am able to keep moving forward but I am disappointed and have my moments .
    I am really sorry for the lose of your mum . It’s such a horrible thing and so life changing .
    Thinking of you x

    • Stephanie  May 31, 2021 at 10:47 pm Reply

      Hi my name is Stephanie last oct 4 2020 at 5:30 am my 17 daughter Madison was killed in a car wreck she was my everything im very very lost right now amd dont know how to cope with any of this

  32. Jay  May 8, 2021 at 5:50 am Reply

    I’m sorry for your loss and thank you for writing about this. I lost my dad 25 days ago and my mom 19 days ago, both got covid and was unable to fly back to California. Both got stuck in the Philippines where they died and was cremated without me by their side. I feel so much regret for not being able to be there, because of the lockdown I was unable to fly back due to not having dual citizenship they wouldn’t allow Americans in. By the time I was approved to get a waver to fly and inter she had passed away. I still haven’t felt them, either of them. No dream, no sign. Nothing. Breaks my heart, and all I have left are pictures. My brother passed away 8 years ago and now it’s just me. I really don’t know how I’m going to move forward, a sign, a dream, anything, now I feel nothing but anger, sadness and regret.

    • Amanda G  May 24, 2021 at 2:40 am Reply

      Oh my lovely, my heart goes out to you, and all those that have commented and struggling to comprehend losses.
      I’ve been dealing with grief and have been seeking answers, signs ..you name it, I’ve searched for it.
      But I don’t want to make this about me.
      I read you’re comment and feel the absolute need to reach out to you and tell you, please do not feel alone..what you have experienced is traumatic and you will be going through so many mash up of emotions right now.
      And I really feel you could benefit from a having someone to talk to.
      Please feel free to contact me, as I know you will be feeling absolutely broken, and I’m an old soul with an open heart.
      Warmest Regards

      • Imani C  June 1, 2021 at 3:16 am

        Hi Amanda, read your comment and you had said to reach out to you. I hope im not interfering with your conversation but Amanda i REALLY need someone to talk to. I lost my mom in 2019, we were truly best friends. We were all we had and we loved each other VERY much. I have no friends so i have no one to talk to. I cry almost everyday and i go to see her twice a month. My mom passed aw3on my b-day. When i tell people they say Thats a bad thing. Well to me Thats my gift from her that i will receive every year. Please email me back o am really desperate to talk to anyone and just become friends. Thanks, Imani

    • Praveen Nidigondi  May 31, 2021 at 4:11 am Reply

      Hi Jay,

      I’m sorry for your loss. I saw your comment and felt like I needed to reply.

      We’re a family of 4. I’m the youngest. I’ve lost my father on March 8th due to cardiac arrest. My mother, my brother and I were devastated. Then, we moved to our aunt’s city so that she could help my mom get through the grief.

      And then, around 2 months later, I’ve lost my mother on April 30th and my brother on May 5th to Covid. To add to this, I wasn’t even there with my mom when she passed away. We were informed the next day. The fact that I wasn’t there to hold my mom’s hand as she was passing away is eating me alive.

      I’m all that’s left of my family now. I feel so many things right now. Grief, depression, guilt, anger, frustration. I’ve got literally nobody in this universe who understands what I’m going through. The only 3 people that would understand are now gone.

      I feel the same way about my brother like you do about yours. I wasn’t that close to my father, my brother and my mom always took care of me. Now that all the three of them are gone, I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve lost the will to survive. Now I have to manage everything on my own.

      Just thought I should reach out to someone who’s going through something similar.

      • Robert Aldridge  August 8, 2021 at 7:58 pm

        Hi Praveen I know this for sure my friend and although you feel alone you are not alone everybody who posts on here is with you and feels and knows how you feel I know how it is is it soul destroying and I am fortunate I’m surrounded by loving children grandchildren family yeah I still feel alone even though I know by reading these posts I’m not alone be strong my friend you will be ok ok have faith and believe me me sometimes I doubt so much it’s unbelievable it’s very hard to explain in words how you feel and you suffer such a terrible loss most people on this post actually feel your loss god bless you

  33. Olivia  May 7, 2021 at 5:10 pm Reply

    I lost my dog😢. I am so alone🥺. I don’t have any dog😢. I have no dog🥺. But I’ll look for a new one. I hope it is a cat with some baby kitties. On Christmas time. *crying*This is my own fault! I’m sorry! I am gonna be punished. Do you think you could forgive me? Thank you! 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

  34. Gloria Garcia  May 4, 2021 at 3:35 am Reply

    My mother passed away a month ago, it was unexpected. I wasn’t able to say goodbye to her. I always assumed that I would feel her presence and she would send me a sign just like people tell you. Let me tell you, It’s all lies, i feel nothing. I haven’t even dreamt of her. The only thing I feel is her emptiness.

    Am I doing something wrong?

    • Ct  August 10, 2021 at 5:33 pm Reply

      Gloria, I totally understand what you’re experiencing. I lost my mom over a year ago unexpectedly. We were so close. As much as any two people can be. When I heard she passed I immediately thought I’d be ok because I knew she’d send me a sign and we’d stay connected somehow. I have cried a little. Several times, but nothing like I would expect given our closeness. I keep holding on to hope that somehow she can see and hear me and that I will sense her at some point too. I’m beginning to think that’s all just denial and I haven’t accepted the reality of her death. That’s too much to bear.

    • Ct  August 10, 2021 at 5:37 pm Reply

      Continuation of previous post…
      Gloria I am so sorry for your loss and hope that you have many, many memories of you mom that can bring you smiles and laughter to help numb the sadness and depth of your loss. I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong at all. Love your mom and talk to her as you always have. You have nothing to lose. Right? If talking with her and thinking about her helps keep the memories alive then that’s what’s right. I’m so sorry we share this life experience and wish you well in your journey.

  35. Jill  May 3, 2021 at 9:29 am Reply

    This piece really got to me. I lost my mother in August of last year and while I do see the signs….I don’t “feel” the same as when she was here. I only feel the sadness knowing she is not and it could be decades until I see her again. That is sometimes too much to think about…..thank you for sharing your story.

  36. Clare Marie  May 3, 2021 at 8:58 am Reply

    hi ladies ,i feel like this so so much ,its been 2 yrs since i lost her and i havnt grieved im pushing it all away i cannot accept it.Why can i not feel her was our love not strong enough i always thought love was stronger than death,if j let it in and accept it it will kill me,sobi ptetend its not happened like i never had a mum rather than a love which has been taken ,my head is so messed up

  37. Catharine Mackanyn  May 1, 2021 at 12:16 pm Reply

    Hi, I just came across this site because I am asking the same question. Why can’t I feel my Mum. I lost my Mum in Sept, 2019. I was her caregiver at her home. I moved in with her. I watched her die everyday and there wasn’t a dam thing I could do for her. I have a lot of guilt, sadness and hell of a lot of pain.
    Friday that just passed, I have a friend come over. As she is talking with me, just kept saying that this living room has good energy in it. I asked her what do you mean by that. Her reply was” because I can see your Mum in the doorway to come into the room.”
    But she said another thing to me which was, There’s a black cloud over going up towards your upstairs.
    It’s the last one I am concerned about. Her telling that made me a litter calmer, not by much But at less I know my Mum is hare in the house that I cared for her in.
    It can’t get more comforting then that. Too me anyway.
    I just wanted to share that with you. Thanks for letting me. I needed to tell someone.


  38. Jess  April 14, 2021 at 1:59 pm Reply

    I am so sorry for your loss, I feel exactly the same honestly. Sadly my mum passed away from Cancer in April of 2019.

    I was always into ghost hunting but sadly could never contact her depsite whatever equipment I was using. It truly did sadden me.

    And at the moment I am also being gang-stalked so that’s a added bonus.

  39. PATRICK  April 12, 2021 at 10:28 am Reply


    • Sheryll L williams  July 16, 2021 at 12:11 am Reply

      I am truly grieving the loss of my fiance.Last August 16 I came home to find him.He committed suicide by hanging himself.I had to be the one to cut him down and perform car on him he wasn’t cold so I thought I could save him.i was unsuccessful and I am having a very hard time with this I don’t uderstand.He knew I did not believe in taking your own life.I cry everyday and I don’t feel him at all.Please if anyone has any advice I would love. To hear.He was only 48.I know he loved me I don’t know why he would end his own life.

  40. Leslee  April 11, 2021 at 4:49 am Reply

    I lost my mum three years ago on the 17th of this month and ever since all I have wanted is to see her, hear her, or just feel her presence but I have not had anything I try to dream about her but I can’t. I have thought about going to see a psychic but i am not a very trusting person and know how they can get you to believe something that isn’t actually true. I just want a hug from my mum. She was 82 when she died and I was 57 so I know she had a good long life and I know I was lucky to have my mum for 57 years but, it doesn’t make it any easier, I just need to feel her.

    • Mo  May 5, 2021 at 4:51 pm Reply

      Hi Leslee. I am 56 and my mother was 80 when she died of pancreas cancer in January. We only had two months to say goodbye. I am totally broken. In her last few weeks of life toxins from her liver metastases went to her brain and she went from being a really intelligent woman to having the mental capacity of a young child. In that time she told me repeatedly how much she loved robins. She tried to give me a couple of blank cards from a pack of cards at Christmas that had robins on and i just laughed with her and reminded her that she and Dad had already given me my Christmas card. I didn’t find out about the old saying that robins appear when loved ones are near until after she died and I don’t think she knew either but now i see them everywhere and I like to believe its her way of letting me know she is OK. Its so hard. I still cry everyday and i sometimes wonder if i will ever be happy again. I wish i were 100% sure of heaven and that she is there but even if she is I am scared i won’t end up there as I have sinned too much and it breaks my heart to think i will never see her again. Sorry for your loss.

  41. Kate  March 20, 2021 at 8:16 pm Reply

    I completely understand the need to feel that contact continues in some way. I don’t know if it B would help anyone else, but what I’ve found helpful both in dealing with the deaths of others, and in thinking about my own death in relation to my children, is to think differently about what that means. My father is part of my DNA. The father he was to me continues to affect who I am, how I behave, what I value, some of my interests, the way I parent my own children etc – 21 years after his death. I don’t need to speak to him or ‘feel’ him, he is an integral part of who I am. Even with friends – they are not part of my DNA but knowing them and being close to them affected who I am. Even on days when I don’t think of them or consciously remember them, these people are part of me. This helped me a lot when I was very sick when my children were really young and I knew that if I died they might not remember me, at least not consciously.

  42. Janeth  March 16, 2021 at 7:14 pm Reply

    11 years ago my evil female sibling took my sweet 6 yr old Chorgi from me and had him put down because her daughter did not want to pay two pet deposits at the apartment I was staying at while I was separated from my husband. I lost it, then they went after my little nearly toothless Schipperke because her 500+lb husband said he bit her (she had 8 teeth). I went back to my husband and we escaped the city and moved to another state. I never felt my boys presence. Not once. I called every vet in that city to find out of they had ever euthanized a little boy dog of his description but no one would offer information. We recently moved to a retirement community. My beloved little Schipperke passed 19 months ago. Every night I would tell her where we would be going to and to find The Boy and come to Mommy. Ever since we moved I have not felt her presence. I keep thinking that my Baby is still at our old house and doesn’t know where we are. I am in so much pain and turmoil I cannot sleep because I cannot feel my little ones. I could not have human children and these Babies are my children. I stopped believing in any benevolent god(s) a LONG time ago so pray won’t work. I only want to know that my sweet darling Babies are OK and for them to know I still and always will love them with my entire heart and soul. I miss them so much! I never shed a tear for my horrible parents when they died ( I am an physical/mental/verbal abuse victim from childhood) but I cry all the time for my sweet Babies. Am I crazy or is this what raw grief does to one? Can anyone offer any word of advice, please?

    • Andrew London  March 24, 2021 at 6:58 am Reply

      Hi Janeth,

      I am sooooo sorry for your many losses. As an animal lover myself, your story touched me deeply. I lost faith in people ages ago for many of these same reasons. I’m sorry I don’t have any advice for you. I wish I did. But I’m struggling with my own demons… 38 years is a long time to grieve and every day gets worse and worse. You can read my story below. If I had any answers, I’d definitely offer them to you. Again, I’m sorry for your losses. Life isn’t fair.

    • Alexis  April 22, 2021 at 10:42 am Reply

      I totally understand what you’re going through. I’ve also heard the same things you’ve heard about your mom will always be there, she’s watching over you, and she will never leave you. All of that sounds good but I can’t properly receive that right now. Especially if I don’t see or feel her. I lost my mom 7/16/20 from cancer. My mom was a healthy woman with the exception of high blood pressure which she conquered after a while. She was beautiful and independent. The best kind of human being you ever want around you. When she got sick I had to take care of her like a home health aid. Oh did it crush me. I couldn’t believe this was happening. She was also starting to loose her mind. These are all the things I feared would happen to her years before. To see her suffering tore me to pieces. We both had hope she would make it through. Now my faith is definitely lost. I didn’t even get to have a conversation with her the day she died. She couldn’t talk because she was always on pain killers. Like that still bothers me along with everything else. It doesn’t even feel like 9 months. Just like you and your mom; my mom and I were best friends as well. I’m the only child. We were super close. We lived with one another and we texted and talked everyday. Way before she even got sick & died I never wanted to accept that one day she will die. I never even wanted to talk about it happening. If I did say something about it I would say we would both die together so we wouldn’t have to grieve for each other. I was sadly disappointed. I also told her I couldn’t live without her and that I would die too. I would do anything for her even if it meant my own death. I’m always thinking why couldn’t I’ve died instead of her. In the beginning I wanted to die. I wasn’t taking care of myself. I started smoking cigarettes. I was having suicidal thoughts. I passed out one time and following that I would always have dizzy spells. I did start taking care of myself because of my father. After a while I think I became in shock. I was trying to actually research spirits and how to get in contact with them to at least get some type of contact with my mom. After my research I started experiencing signs that my mom was present. I didn’t necessarily feel her presence but appliances in my apartment started turning on by itself , things would be knocked over, I found pennies on the floor in odd places, and my phone alarm starting going off strange times that wasn’t set. I thought I was going crazy of course but I knew it was just me in my apartment. I did feel somewhat satisfied. It would happen sporadically. Not all the time. As time passed I don’t think I was in shock anymore. That was maybe around Sept 2020. I started to feel pain, anger, sadness, confusion, and lost. I basically suffering from depression. I started getting less signs until it stopped all together. Of course that made more angry and confused. It’s now April 2021 and nothing has changed. I’m currently getting help but I just think it’s going to take me a long time to to accept and be at peace with this. I’ve trained myself to suppress the pain but it’s not good because I explode at times that aren’t necessary. I’m suffering from PTSD. Life just isn’t fair . I l just don’t understand why we aren’t allowed to see or hear our passed love ones. At least allow them to comfort us and tell us it’s going to be ok. I think it’ll make life a bit easier to live and cope with. Sometimes I just cry and scream for my mom and nothing happens. I just miss her so much. Literally I miss everything about her. I would give anything to see her smile and laugh. Ohh if only she could get on my nerves again. I hope all that’s grieving will get help and somehow learn to live peacefully.

      • Shana  April 27, 2021 at 2:03 am

        Alexis, I’m so sorry for your loss, and I’m
        Sorry for the cliche statement. Your story is so much like mine. My mother’s funeral was this last Sunday. Cancer. She was my everything. Sometimes I miss her so much it feels like I could die from a broken heart. She was in her early 60s. We both had so much more life to live. It’s truly devastating.

  43. Betty Barnes  March 15, 2021 at 4:37 pm Reply

    I lost my mom 4 weeks ago today. The day she died I was overcome with emotion. Since that day I have battled holding it inside. To be strong for everyone else, not wanting to appear weak. My siblings have seen cardinals and butterflies……Ive seen none of those things. I pray daily to God to show me sign that my mom is ok, that she loves and misses me to and nothing happens.

    I worry was I not good enough now that she sees me from above. The hurt is vicious and I miss her so much. I have spoken to her almost every single day for my whole life, 53 years and now I have been 28 days without her voice.

    • Floreen  March 31, 2021 at 12:26 am Reply

      My mom is a betty barnes.
      My daughter died one yr ago . I never got to say goodbye. Never spent a silent sec after she died. They took her body quickly to be investigated from hosp. So a week goes by and they say I cant see her . I wouldn’t want to . So we buried her on her 34 bday . I got in my car took off to the graveside thinking I could have 5 min with her alone before ppl got there.
      My daughters name is Shelby late Nelson. Wouldn’t u know ,my kid was late to her own funeral so I didnt get that alone time either. I cry everyday. I scream in silence . I cant feel her andi want to. I need to. We was close. But I never seen her at all
      I miss u shby

    • Leslee  April 11, 2021 at 4:58 am Reply

      Hello Betty
      I understand how you feel. I lost my mum almost three years ago. I am a nurse so when mum went into hospital I was the only one who knew that she wouldn’t be coming home. My father sister and my two adult children and myself sat by her hospital bed in the early hours, dad agreed to let me make all the decisions, speak to the doctors ect. I was the one who had to tell the others that mum was dying and I was the one who had to tell them that mum only had minutes left. I collected the death certificate, arranged the funeral, made a speech in the church and arranged the wake. I was the one who informed all family and friends and who supported the rest of my family. It took a long time before I was even able to cry as I felt I had to be the strong one.
      Like you I desperately want to feel my mum or have some sign but I have had nothing, though my sister has and I don’t know or have the answer as to why. ❤️

  44. Saveza  March 10, 2021 at 6:58 am Reply

    Have you felt anything yet? My soul pet and my mom passed away 3 years ago and I have not felt anything my life has become unmanageable I don’t believe in spirits anymore

    • Andrew London  March 11, 2021 at 6:43 pm Reply

      Saveza, I’m sorry for your losses. But yeah, I know exactly how you must feel. I feel the same way. I’ve been grieving for 38 years. The pain gets worse every day, every year. I stopped believing a very long time ago. But at the same time I’m still trying, still hoping. If that makes sense.

    • Brittany  March 19, 2021 at 12:41 am Reply

      I wanted to let you know that my childhood, soul bonded and first love cat has been able to communicate with me in the afterlife pretty immediately after passing for months, but has stopped “visiting”. For some reason, not every loved one is able to give signs, or maybe has already crossed to the other side where they feel no need to linger on earth.The more we look for signs the less we find them. The grief is overwhelming and grief honestly never gets better but I promise you there is life after death and your loved ones are with you. I’m so sorry for your losses.

  45. Laine mallaburn  March 4, 2021 at 4:08 pm Reply

    I know exactly how you feel there was no stronger bond than I had with my mam 4 times a day everyday I seen her when she was poorly hospital doctor said 2 days was all she had left I begged for her to be allowed home got her home sat 24hours a day everyday for 11 days before she passed I was with her when she took her last breath my world was shattered everybody said the bond was to strong between us and she will be with you always I talk to a photo of her everyday cry quite a few times a day miss her so so much and havnt felt her presence or any signs of her been near me maybe its to early I keep telling myself as only been 9weeks since she left me I pray to God to look after her and ask him to let her come and let me know shes ok but nothing I’m lost ❤

  46. Nicole  March 4, 2021 at 2:21 am Reply

    Ok u said u see moths and flowers so u feel her. The thing that says “look over there…” and you see it, that’s her saying look. Too many movies have people confused. When your mom was alive and in a room with you, did you “feel” her. Not smell or hear but feel. Ok so im do a little medium work and so does a close friend. Well her boyfriend died and we were standing in line at his funeral, i never met him but my thoughts took my imagine to places as if i would if being directly told a story. Im feeling “this isnt me. I don’t look like that. I have these big gauge ear spinning plugs. i always wore them” ….my friend who was also mentoring my clairvoyance (although before this moment I think shes a little hokey because shes quirky like that and believe it or not im a huge skeptic) she turns to me and says “thats sad..he didnt look like that…he wore these…big” and starts twirling her finger near her ear..i said “BLING SPINNER PLUGS!!!????” …she responded “very good” like some karate master towards their student. So now ima believer in her because it was too right on time. I asked her, ‘why did you say that at that moment?” She said “because he was telling us that” …. telling us…like if I was hanging out with a longtime friend, meeting her boyfriend for the first time and he was telling us a story. because him in death is him. They dont become this magnetic pull of a force that makes you blow condensation out like the 6th sense movie. I mean unless they had that talent in life, maybe. So how do you know the difference between ur own thought and them speaking.?…how do you know what actual convos you had with someone verse ones that you imagined or dreamed? U just do…and its not explainable. Now imagination i say does factor in, for me about 20% so my reading are 20%;off or completely wrong because this person is popping up images but the same way miscommunications happen in real convos, they still happen just as much.

    I drove by this cemetery when testing this ability and said “if this is real, what’s this cemetery’s name?” …like a ball of energy moving to this marble sign that said “north cedar ” …i drive up and look to see…dah dah dahhh. North cedar but the sign isnt marble. Its the same odd decorative shape but its like cardboard or something….i researched when i came home and it use to be marble. How did i know the name and the marble from 100 years ago?

    If i could take all of u, ur people would all have the same message in common …they exist and they are great. They are where u will someday be when ur supposed to go there and it will be more clear then. I don’t think there is much different then here. I think its a level of many that maybe we collectively have to travel. So they are there doing what they use to dream
    of, chillin, waiting for u.
    Just like how my dad moved to Florida…i dont know his exact address and i dont know his number by heart but His existence isnt based on my senses

    • Teressa M Frey  March 4, 2021 at 7:40 pm Reply

      I’ve lost both my sons and my best friend and my neice.
      Whenever I lost my 1st son. He died when he was 11. He would turn the lights off and on, shut doors, send s white butterfly to sit with me every morning while I had a cup of coffee on the porch. My best friend come to me in dreams… so vivid it’s as if we area really having a conversation. And i believe we are. My oldest son who i was closer to, than anyone…
      We were soulmates. He paused in September, He was my boy and he loved his momma so much.

      I’ve seen nothing, nada. Not one sign from him. I talk to him, but i feel like he’s not there.
      I’ve never felt more alone,more abandoned, more forgotten.

      I’m so depressed. I just want God to take me so i can be with my kids. They were both very disabled. I took care of zach for 11 yours until he passed in 2002 . and i took care of Joshua for 32 years.
      I’m so lost! im still in major grief, and he Josh was my last child. I have no grandchildren. I am alone. This is the loneliest, emptiest, I’ve ever been. I pray…. but I still am sad.

    • Kari Hall  March 13, 2021 at 12:16 am Reply

      I like your response. I am struggling differently with my moms death then my dad. I was not good after he died. Lost my faith for awhile. But my faith is very strong now but I don’t feel her as others have said. .But things are a struggle with my brothers and her things etc so I’m not fully grieving. But I felt/heard my dad for years and then had a very real dream about 9 years after he died. Most amazing dream ever. So very real and I touched him and he was young and looked great. We spoke and I was in awe and couldn’t believe we were talking. We were on a train that went around the world/universe. But my mom just died in January after 6 months of hospice. I’m waiting and hopeful. My mom didn’t hear from her mother for about 20 years.

    • Corrina B  March 16, 2021 at 1:03 am Reply

      My sister paste 12 or 13 years ago I was 13 I’m 27 now when that happen it flipped my world upside down and from that day forward I lived her type of life and tried to live out what she began but I went to the depths of dangerouse at the age of 15 I went to people’s houses u wouldn’t want ur enimes at looking for answers to my sisters death my sister was 19 and my cousin who came to pick her up who found her when she rolled over in bed and my sister was deAd and that’s all I know a drug overdose at a party but I have felt her. Very very few times but I want to really hear something from her that will heal me and let me move on with my own life and not hers oh god please this is the last resort

    • Sara  March 28, 2021 at 7:03 pm Reply

      My dad died suddenly one week ago from a heart attack at age 52. I’m only 28 and so I have never entertained thoughts of him not being here. People keep telling me I’ll feel him and he’s still around but I can’t feel him, but I’ve had one nightmare featuring his body – his funeral isn’t for another 2 weeks. I’ve always believed in an afterlife and psychic mediums but now I am faced with losing the closest person to me and I cannot feel him, it is testing my belief in a big way, and my belief is losing the battle. I’m scared I’ll never see him again in this life or the next. Thank you for your story, as I no longer sleep and reading it has just given me some small comfort, if only for this evening.

  47. Apey  March 3, 2021 at 11:18 pm Reply

    Thank you for writing this. Nearly every single part of your article described my exact experience- except for the tattoos, and I also went to a medium (two of them), and supposedly my mom came through, but nothing significant was said that particularly stood out to me. So I am not sure it was genuine or not. I chalk it up to maybe not being a spiritual person, but it’s been 4 years now and I still haven’t really experienced any signs. A couple of dreams here and there but nothing profound like what you hear about other people experiencing.

  48. J Marie  February 18, 2021 at 10:42 pm Reply

    My very best friend/my Mom died last month. Even though the doctors kept saying she was, I had faith in miracles even though there was not the miracle I wanted this time. My heart is broken and I miss being able to talk to her 24/7 if needed. I have been praying to God because the Bible says He is a comforter but I have so much pain inside it’s hard to feel comforted. However, I have tried to keep up my relationship with Him and just now when I knelt down again to thank Him for something and to talk to him it felt like a mom’s hug. I knew it was not from her but from Him. He made moms and dads so the nature that is in them comes from His nature. It was a mom’s hug from the creator of moms and it comforted me. Hope that happens again because I need it so much right now. Blessings on others here. So glad I found this site because I can relate to so much of what you are experiencing. This is the most difficult thing I have ever gone through and I can’t “fix it” this time like I tried to fix so many things before. I can’t undo it and I don’t know how long I am going to have to deal with it. Right now it seems like an eternity of loneliness stretches out before me because no other human being can replace her. When I had to leave her overnight in the hospital, I tried to tell her often with many kisses, “You are my very best friend.” and “You are my most favorite person in the earth.” It was so so true and still is.

  49. LeAndrea G  February 12, 2021 at 4:52 pm Reply

    My Beautiful Beloved mother passed away from non-smokers stage 4 metastasize to the bones lung cancer in Jam 2018. My mom and I were also pees in a pod and like telepaths. When ever we thought of each other or my mom thought of me, I would call her and she’d say “oh okay, you heard me.” Lol. To make a “looong” story shorter, it’s been three years and I still grieve just as it was yesterday. It comes in waves now and I’ve accepted she’s gone but I yearn to dream about or feel her presence. I have had only 4 vague dreams where I can’t see her face but I know it’s her. I think I hugged her in two of my dreams but not quite sure, I just wake up in tears. I also dreamed of my moms death and I saw her face clearly as I was laying her to rest. In each dream since her death, she is sick like she was when she was alive except one dream where she was with my dad, in my bed room at the foot of my bed sitting on the bench with her back turned and when I reached out to touch her she told me “you know you can’t touch me” and I pulled back. I always remember my mother telling me when I took care of her for three months day and night she would say “if comfort was a cure I would be cured.” It hurts me to dream of her still in that state and I want to see that she’s ok and not suffering anymore. I just don’t know how I’ll ever kick this pain that seems to be a permanent part of me.

  50. Elizabeth  February 12, 2021 at 6:09 am Reply

    Every one tells me my beautiful son is with me always; but I don’t feel him with me. I lost my son when he was 23 years old, and I thought we were very close, but now I sort of wonder if that was just in my mind because I simply don’t get that feeling of his love surrounding me that many people speak of when referring to a deceased loved one. I can’t even dream about him. I barely remember the sound of his voice or the beauty of his soulful eyes, or the absolute joy I felt when he walked into the room. He is and was and will be my entire world for eternity. I now accept that there will be no joy in this life until the time we are reunited in some way; but until then my only hope is to keep asking my son to send part of his amazing spirit to surround me. If I can just feel a glimmer of his loving spirit with me I would find the strength to carry on. Thank you for your story.

  51. Carla  February 11, 2021 at 10:23 pm Reply

    2010 started a horrible series of events for me in my life. One of my best friends was over-radiated with form of radiation therapy that was supposed to be used for trigeminal neuraglia. She ended up with radiation poisoning and in a nursing home and past away in a vegetative state. It was March of 2011. (Horrible – and her daughters were best friends with my children). July 13, 2011 my best friend and soulmate (a male version of myself, literally) suddenly past away while he was taking care of a step-father who was in hospice care. He died in his sleep of a pulmonary embolism. He was 39. This was more then shocking – it was mind numbing. And I can’t believe it has been 10 years and feels like yesterday.(Completely devastated me). It broke a a little part of me. Another one of my best guy friends committed suicide. One of my best girlfriends was diagnosed with cancer and past away in 2015. My circle of my closest friends was very small and at this point I had 2 of them left out of 6. Each one played a key role in my life and were chosen by me, but I always knew the universe has mysterious ways of connecting you with what you “need” and sometimes that includes people. Even with all of this grief and loss underneath that is the most amazing feeling of gratitude you could ever imagine for being blessed with such amazing souls to help shape me into the person that I am today, carrying their fabulous bits and pieces, catch phrases and memories around with me throughout my life. I have often wondered why we are not able to “feel” these special people. I have sat with mini urns of ashes begging for “a sign.” I often thought they must “be too busy” doing their good work on the other side to be bothered with my tiny request, only to be left feeling ashamed for even asking for a hand out of attention when there are bigger fish to fry. Each one of those people I am speaking of was the type of person who never wanted to bother anyone, ask for help, deliver bad news, etc… They were all equally soulfully lovely and kind beyond measure. IF they could ever see my devastation at their losses and I were them, I would not visit myself either afraid that I may cause further pain. I have a feeling that the “void” of activity from the other side may also have to do with 1. a mental block or defense mechanism we create against pain (almost a PTSD type of thing). We ask what we “think” we want, but think about this for a second. If they were to come even just one time, what would happen a second time if they were to not grant our most desired wish. Or what if there is tremendous pain involved in a “reunion” of sorts? Maybe the absence in actually a most loving gesture in the wake of grieving hearts? Furthermore, I am an empath who is acutely in tune with my environment and energetic vibration on many levels. I realized and feel that I don’t have to look outside of myself to find them. It would be nice. But at the end of the day, everything I need to know, how much they loved me is inside of me.

    • Isabelle Siegel  February 17, 2021 at 1:04 pm Reply

      Carla, words cannot describe how sorry I am to hear that you’ve been forced to go through all of this. I highly recommend you check out this article: https://whatsyourgrief.com/cumulative-grief-aka-grief-overload/ Do you have a good support system? Have you sought professional help? You can find a therapist trained in grief and bereavement https://complicatedgrief.columbia.edu/for-the-public/find-a-therapist/. What you have written is so powerful: “But at the end of the day, everything I need to know, how much they loved me is inside of me.” I am awe-struck by your insight and resilience. You should be so proud of yourself. All the best to you.

  52. Jennifer  February 9, 2021 at 11:20 pm Reply

    I lost the 3 people who raised me in 6 year period. My grandma 6 years ago, my mom 4 years ago and my step father 2 years ago.

    My grandma was expected, we knew it was coming so I got to say my goodbyes. She was 91 and lived her life. So it hurt but I made peace with it quickly.

    My mom was sudden. She was alive and dead a few hours later. Had a heart attack while babysitting my 9 month old son. I have so much guilt surrounding the time of her death. Was having bad postpartum depression and just couldn’t snap out of it. So we were getting along very well when she passed.

    My step father was ran over by a semi in a hit and run accident. I hadn’t spoken to him in a year when he passed but it was still devastated.

    My entire support system died and anyone who didn’t quickly disowned me. Now I have my husband, his family and my son. But it’s not the same. I need people who knew me as a kid. To recall memories and make me feel like I existed before my husband knew me.

    I have looked and looked for signs from all 3 but particularly from my parents. I have literally cried and begged for signs, dreams, notes or random things. I even looked through all my moms books before I gave them away. Just looking for any random not or something written in. Anything to make me feel more connected. Nothing.. unless I want to read into things. Which then I just think it’s me grasping at straws instead of signs. I don’t know how people get past these deaths. I know you never get over it but you have to be able to live a semi happy life and I’m not. I tried to go to therapy but couldn’t afford the $90 per visit payments. It’s just so unfair.

    • Isabelle Siegel  February 10, 2021 at 12:00 pm Reply

      Jennifer, I’m so very sorry to hear that you were forced to go through all this. I highly recommend you check out this article on cumulative grief a.k.a grief overload: https://whatsyourgrief.com/cumulative-grief-aka-grief-overload/ Of course leaning on your husband’s family is not going to be the same. And that’s okay. You’re right: You never get over it… but you do adapt to a new normal. I suggest you give this article a read: https://whatsyourgrief.com/grief-recovery-is-not-a-thing/ I’m also sorry to hear that you couldn’t stick with therapy. Perhaps you could instead look for a grief support group, which you can read more about here: https://whatsyourgrief.com/grief-support-groups-positives-and-pitfalls/ I agree; It is unfair.

    • Michele  February 13, 2021 at 1:44 am Reply

      Jennifer, I am so sorry for your loss. I can relate & wanted you to know you are not alone. My dad passed away when I was 13 (I am 45 now). My mom passed away December 11, 2019. Since then, I have not associated with my siblings or extended family. I feel completely disconnected and broken. We once had a very close family that did everything together. (I basically lost my family when my mom passed away). I pray to God that my mom knows how much we love & miss her. I also pray for everyone struggling with the terrible feelings of losing a loved one. Remember are not alone

  53. Pearl  February 8, 2021 at 3:50 am Reply

    My mom passed 12/30/20. I knew it was coming and had tried to prepare myself… there is NO preparation for that.

    My mom had Lewy Body Dementia and my family had been caring for her the past 12 years. She was loved on and spoiled rotten.

    I too do not feel her and wish I did. To feel her, dream of her, would give me so much peace and relief. I just want to know she’s ok and that she knows how much we love her…

    • Isabelle Siegel  February 9, 2021 at 9:19 am Reply

      Pearl, I’m so sorry for your loss. You’re right: There is no “being prepared” for a death. I know that it’s tremendously frustrating that you cannot feel your mother’s presence… But please know that this doesn’t diminish your love for and your ongoing connection with her. As Eleanor said, “I feel her in the way I can’t feel her at all. It is my sadness, the bittersweet joy of knowing that I once had the perfect mom for me, it is my longing that lets me feel her.” All the best to you.

  54. Vicky zeolla  February 7, 2021 at 11:01 pm Reply

    I lost my Aunt to bladder cancer on March 1. The morning of her death, I had a vivid dream with her. She was young, healthy, and beautiful in this dream. She appeared about 36, although she died at 69. She fell into a coma like state the day before. If I hadn’t had that dream, I’d be doubting also where she is.

  55. evangelostsirigotis@gmail.com  January 31, 2021 at 2:41 pm Reply

    Hi, my name is Evangelos, I lost my mother back in july 2018. Yes we grieve a great deal, wanting a sign from them, remember when you are in your mothers wound for 9 month’s you cannot see your mother, but you feel her, and she feels you as well. You become close to your mother even before you are born, it’s more than just a biblycord that keeps you and your mom together. It’s the love that bounds both of you, well even physically when they are gone their love remains forever, that is what lives forever the bound, just as the almighty god, and his son Jesus Christ has for us, god bless, I hope I gave you peace.

    • Isabelle Siegel  February 1, 2021 at 12:19 pm Reply

      Evangelos, I’m so sorry for your loss. You’re so right: There is such a special and enduring bond between a mother and child. I’m glad you can hold onto that bond as you navigate your grief.

  56. archie  January 29, 2021 at 7:00 pm Reply

    Thank you for penning this write up. It was someone read my mind. Going through the comments, I realized I am not alone in my journey, even if it’s a journey I don’t wish on anyone.

    It’s been a month and a half that I lost my mom, and 20 years I lost my brother, and all I can say is their loss has changed me in ways untold.

    After my brother’s untimely demise, a brain surgeon who succumbed to brain tumor, I placed my trust in faith, even though I wasn’t very religious before, but a routine of grieving in front of god, comforted me, in some way, and back then I was looking for any way, to feel better than what I did. I miss him every moment even today.

    His loss was even deeper for my mom. He was her first born, an extremely loving son to her. Only she knew how she carried on for 20 years without him.

    I was deeply attached to my mom. I live in a different time zone and it takes me a 30 hour flight to reach home. Her death was sudden and most unexpected. I could not fly home due to covid/ regulations bureaucratic delays. Last I met her was a year back when she promised me she would wait for me when I visit next. I can’t hate covid enough for ruining my plans to visit her this year. Little did I know that the biggest chunk of my heart, is going to bid me goodbye forever.

    I saw her once in my dream, 22 days after she passed, for a split second, where she smiled and told me, your younger brother is upset I left, shouldn’t I have gone and she vanished. Surprisingly, my sister and one more cousin, dreamt of her the very same night with dreams in similar lines.

    But just seeing her once is not enough for me. I want to feel her, see her, hug her, kiss her and hold her so tight, that she never goes far from me ever. She couldn’t see a tear in. y eyes, and now I cry every day but she doesn’t come to wipe them.

    I try to portray strength in front of my own little girls but it’s so hard to live without my mom. We always need our loved ones with us. Cant they come back just for a day, in every couple years… just once….spend the day and go back! That’s reasonable right?

    I don’t know how to establish contact with her! I want to but I don’t know how to. I don’t want to visit any third person as it’s a very private experience but I just want to ask her why did she go away? What was on her mind when she left? How is she now? Did she call out to me as she lay dying? And why she didn’t teach me how to live without her?

    I miss her so much that i feel my heart would burst! Come back Mom, I don’t know how to breath without you,

  57. Sarah  January 29, 2021 at 1:32 pm Reply

    Wow this has helped me so much. My mom passed April 18th, 2020. I’ve taken care if her since her stroke in 2015. Im only 27. My mom had so many health issues and so many near death experiences. I really never expected her to actually die after everything. She had cancer in her brain and spine and then She had clots in her lung and there was nothing for them to do so she was sent home on hospice and passed 4 days later. It was so hard. Honestly Im so thankful for being her caregiver for the last 5 years. I spent so much time with her and really got to know her. She was my best friend. Im only 27 and just got engaged a month before she passed. Im so thankful she was able to see me get engaged. Everyone keeps asking whens the wedding now but I can’t picture a wedding without my mom. We were so so close. She was so excited for us to be engaged. I wish she could be here. All my family keeps saying is that she’ll be there in spirit but I can’t help but think how do I know that. I havent got no signs from her. I miss her so much. Im trying to start planning the wedding but I can’t help but cry every time I start. I want her back. I want her at my wedding dancing and having fun. I know how happy she would be. Lifes not fair.

    Thank you everyone for sharing your stories. They all have helped me in a way.

  58. Sarah  January 29, 2021 at 1:12 pm Reply

    Wow this has helped me so much. My mom passed April 18th, 2020. I’ve taken care if her since her stroke in 2015. Im only 27. My mom had so many health issues and so many near death experiences. I really never expected her to actually die after everything. I believe because of covid

  59. Em  January 28, 2021 at 1:02 am Reply

    Reading this worries me.
    I am 20 years old and my grandma was 64 she was my best friend and mother I lost her January 13th 2021 to renal cancer it happened quickly she was diagnosed in October and it took 4 months for god to take her. Sometimes I panic what if when someone dies it’s just like sleeping with out a dream I can’t feel her anywhere she promised to watch me and I know she would if she could she would she was always up my butt about everything I want to see a medium but just like everyone else I don’t find the idea of someone making money off something so sentimental appealing to me. I find myself awake at night a lot more that’s when I start to cry I wish I could have told her I loved her one more time I just need to talk be told it’s okay and she will meet me after but I hate that it’s gonna be a long time before I see her she was so special to me. I hope this gets better cause it only seems to get harder

    • Gloria  February 3, 2021 at 8:15 pm Reply

      I know exactly how you feel. I lost my mom to cancer 3 months ago. I too don’t feel her, and God I miss her. I told her to please give me sign, and she said she would pull my hair. I am still waiting…

  60. Andrew London  January 26, 2021 at 5:58 am Reply

    Hello everyone. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of this support group.

    I can truly relate to Gary when he said that he’s not the kind of person that says, “oh look there’s a butterfly, cardinal, rabbit, blue jay, robin, or deer… that must be my deceased wife.” No it’s not. It is just an animal. I agree with that 100%.

    And like Gary (and a few others here, most likely) I just can’t look at some animal, as if it’s Melissa popping in for a visit. I need a REAL sign from her.

    But some people say that our sorrow and grieving blocks the way and makes it impossible for contact to be made. Well, how can we end the sorrow? Mine is getting worse, not less. And I’ve been mourning a long time. I was 17 when she died. I’m 55 now.

    Similarly, I agree with Samantha as well. I feel that even if there are real mediums and psychics out there, the vast majority of them are charlatans that simply prey on the grieving, telling us what we want to hear in the hope of fleecing us of our money.

    Furthermore, I feel that the connection between us and our deceased loved ones is an intimate and loving relationship and so we shouldn’t need a go-between to make contact.

    Needless to say, I’ve NEVER used a medium, psychic, or clairvoyant to attempt contact Melissa. Even though I was raised Catholic, I later left Catholicism and investigated other paths. Over the years I pretty much ended up an atheist, figuring that most – if not all – religions are just man-made creations where the few control the many through a manipulation of fear and greed. I guess, what I’m trying to say is that I am more a man of science than a man of faith.

    However, over the years, I’ve experimented with shamanism (the practice and philosophy seems fairly grounded in science, well, as far as the teachings of Michael Harner go), hoping to possibly make a connection myself rather than using a middle-man (for reasons already stated above). So far, still nothing, but I’m trying to remain open, positive, and hopeful.

    There are other things that have been on my mind over the years as well, and that’s trying to get to the truth behind reality. I kind of touched on this idea in a previous post, but I’ll try to go into it a bit deeper here.

    Is making contact even possible? Or are we only tricking ourselves? What is reality anyway? Do our deceased loved ones see us, hear us, feel us? Are they trying to make contact with us? Do they miss us as much as we miss them?

    Do they even know they are dead? Melissa died in a terrible auto crash and was killed instantly. Some people believe that those that die suddenly and violently don’t even know that they’re dead.

    Is there a spirit world? Shamanism says there is, and it seems that the shamans actually have proof of this… well, moreso than other spiritual traditions anyway. But I can’t go into all that here for fear of getting off topic…

    Are they more alive in the spirit world than we are in the physical world? Yes, the questions are endless. And the answers are few.

    A while back I read a book – Communing With The Spirits by Martin Coleman – and one part in the book really gave me an “A-ha” moment. He said that he has contacted many spirits of deceased people (from various ethnic backgrounds and many different religions), and they ALL say the same thing : they are upset BECAUSE the afterlife is NOT what they were led to believe while they were among the living. According to Martin, it seems that ALL of the religions got it wrong. By the way, Martin is NOT a medium or a psychic. He considers himself a necromancer, which is basically the term used for those that practice European shamanism.

    Well, I’m not sure if we’re allowed to post URLs in this thread, and I hope that by me doing so doesn’t violate the site’s policies. But I just want to share this with everyone here. This is how I cope with my grief. Kind of…

    I’m an amateur pianist – not a professional by any stretch of the imagination. But nonetheless, much of what I compose is inspired by Melissa, and my love for her.

    Here is a piece that I wrote, titled, “Melissa’s Theme.” Her photo graces the track. The picture was taken a few months before her death.


    It’s not much, I know. But it’s my gift to her. It’s my own composition, so it comes from my heart. I often sit alone in my flat, playing this gentle piece, just gazing into her eyes in the photo, and hope against hope that she is there with me, listening to the music, and enjoying my company.

    I don’t post this to advertise my SoundCloud page or to boost my ego as a pianist. Nothing could be further from the truth.

    I’m just trying to show you what I do to cope with my grief. I wish she would come to me, in a dream, or a physical manifestation, or something. But in 38 long years there’s been nothing… no dreams, no fragrances drifting on the wind, no whispers in my ears, no nothing. It’s as if she just vanished into nothingness. That is the hardest thing to endure.

    I give you all my love.

  61. Andrew London  January 25, 2021 at 7:51 pm Reply

    Hi Kelly.

    I’m sooooo sorry for your loss. And your second guessing yourself over the horrible surgery has got to be REALLY tough. That’s heavy!

    Like you, I’ve not had any dreams (of Melissa)… and it’s been 38 years! I’m wondering if there is a time window for communications after death? Some say that once on the other side they are “out of time,” so maybe there isn’t any time limitations. I don’t know?

    What I do know is that I just can’t bring myself to use psychics or mediums. Using an outsider for something so intimate and personal just seems wrong. And how can they be trusted anyway? I’m sure there are good ones out there. Maybe. But the opportunity exists that many will just tell you what you want to hear in order to take your cash.

    Just do whatever you can to keep her alive in your heart. That’s what I do. I just hope it is enough…

  62. L.c  January 25, 2021 at 5:55 pm Reply

    I feel the exact same way. We were extremely close but I just wish I can feel her or have a dream about her

  63. Francesca  January 8, 2021 at 9:44 pm Reply

    I wonder if she knows how desperately I miss her and how much it hurts. I beg for her to visit me in my dreams.

    • Andrew London  January 17, 2021 at 8:16 pm Reply

      I feel the same way, Francesca. It hurts soooo bad. I miss her sooooo bad.

      • Roly  February 3, 2021 at 2:33 pm

        My wife of 7 years died in the bed right next to me after me being home a month and a half on MAY 18 2020 Its wasnt expected at all but I felt something weird a few weeks before like we were separating and I cried to her and asked her to stay that I wouldn’t know what to do if I lost her. She assured me that she wasnt going anywhere and we kept moving forward. I CHANGED THE WAY I LOVED HER!!! I started doing her hair and bathing her telling her how beautiful she was and so on basically undivided attention then BOOM basically I woke up and felt something weird in the aura long story short …Anyways I wasnt allowed to even process what had happened I had to deal with investigators and her family came 24 hours later and kicked me out… Homeless I didnt have a clue what to do I just kept the FAITH that she died in order to make a path for me and that my higher power would guide me AND to my amazement 3 months later I had a residence and a job. In a city that i never knew before or had even visited. Throughout being on the street I would speak to her and ask for a sign that things would get better that I wouldn’t go hungry that I would not get hurt and that I would be able to get back on track and be able to forgive her family. DOING so FREED me and IVE kept my word NO SIGNzZ till last night that’s how I came across this blog today and I must say her coming to me In the dream this morning was a Blessing. She assured me that I didn’t need her and my reply was no you’re wrong I need you and want you nothing has changed but the dimensions. WISHING YOU ALL HEAL LIGHT and BLESSINGzZ the secret is when you BELIEVE you will start to SEE!!!!!

      • Isabelle Siegel  February 4, 2021 at 10:34 am

        Roly, I’m truly so sorry for your loss and that you were forced to go through all of this. It sounds as though you and your wife had–and continue to have–such a special bond. Your ability to persevere and to continue to believe are inspiring. All the best to you.

  64. YURI  January 4, 2021 at 12:08 am Reply

    I lost my mom on 11/14/20, 11 days before her birthday. I lost my mom to COVID-19 and just like they say on TV she passed alone in the hospital. She had already been sedated for 30+ days and we had hope she would pull through.

    I would have never thought to write on one of these blogs but just like the original story I can’t feel her. I thought I would be able to sense her and it kills me that I can’t. I’m constantly looking for signs and constantly reaching out to her but nothing. It brings me a bit of comfort that I’m not alone in feeling this way.

    I can relate to you all that it is so painful.. it’s the most painful thing I’ve experienced. I’m 35 my mom was 60 and I can’t imagine life without her. My mom was a mother of 11 and 35 grandkids and we are all in disbelief.

    My question lately has been how do I continue with life?

    • IsabelleS  January 4, 2021 at 12:19 pm Reply

      Yuri, I’m so sorry for your loss. There are no words. I hope this website has provided you with even the slightest comfort and has shown you that, no matter what, you’re not alone. I completely understand asking yourself how to continue on… This is so normal and valid after a loss. Allow yourself not to know the answer: It’s okay if you can’t move forward just yet. Give yourself time and space to grieve. All the best.

    • Sarah  January 13, 2021 at 8:06 pm Reply

      This brought me to tears. I feel like I could’ve written every single word of this. I lost my mom in November to suicide. We were so bonded together that I truly thought I would be able to connect to the spirit world and that I’d still talk to her everyday. I look for her everywhere. I am constantly “chasing” her I feel like. Listening to her favorite songs. Watching her favorite movies. Feeding the ducks.
      Sometimes it doesn’t feel real. I’ve separated her into two different people in my head. My mom and the one who left me behind. It feels like she’s just somewhere else-somewhere with no phone service and she’ll be back soon. Grief is so weird. Life without my mom has been lonely. I feel like a child who was just dropped off for their first day of school and you’re watching your mom drive away welling up with tears.
      Nothing prepares you for losing your mother. I am an only child and the only person who hasn’t lived a single day without her.
      Sending you love. Thanks for writing this.

      • Ishita  January 19, 2021 at 11:11 pm


        I lost my maa on 7/11/2020 to covid and I am single child.. I am 26 and unmarried .. she meant the world to me .. she was all fine .. was preparing breakfast for me and all of a sudden things happened.. I have absolutely no idea how to live without her … The only thing I do whole day is looking for signs … I constantly keep on talking to her … I constantly keep on praying that please come and meet me in my dream. Sometimes I feel that she is listening to me and sometimes I don’t and that feeling is just killing … I still hope that one day she will definitely come and we will talk for hours .. I will share each and every thing about how I lived without her … I don’t know when that day will come .. I just want it to come .. even if it comes after my death .. but I want it to come .. I know it can’t while I am still alive .. but I really really want it to come after this life

      • Isabelle Siegel  January 22, 2021 at 11:01 am

        Ishita, I’m very sorry for your loss. I, too, hope that you will one day have this moment with your mother. For now, take care of yourself. Be compassionate and listen to your own needs. As difficult as it may be, you will get through this. All the best.

    • Andrew London  January 17, 2021 at 8:28 pm Reply

      Continuing is tough, Yuri. Some say “time heals all wounds,” but I can speak from experience when I say “some wounds NEVER heal.” I’ve been carrying this pain for 38 years and it doesn’t get easier. I go through good days and bad days. But my good days are when I’m just numb. Know what I mean. I miss her soooooo much. I know how you feel. I hope you can find a way.

    • Amanda  January 21, 2021 at 8:06 pm Reply

      Hi, I lost my mum on the 12th of April
      The day after you, my mums death was sudden and I’m heartbroken. I often wonder if it was the virus that took her. I’m so sorry about your mum. I’m the same I can’t feel her, I put posts up on Facebook pages with her picture but no one ever posts a message. I went to a psychic but didn’t feel it was really my mum, when I’m in bed at night and on my phone I do smell smoke and I wonder if it’s her, but if she is a spirit what does she do? Just float and watch me? It all confuses me, I miss her so much and I do believe that until our grief lifts, we can’t communicate with the spirit world as they are pure positive energy and we are low as we are grieving, I think that’s why they tell u to wait for a reading. Anyway I just want you to know you are not alone, losing your mum is terrible and it was Easter Sunday my mum went so Easter for me will always be a reminder that was the day my mum passed. Lots of love to u xxxx

      • Isabelle Siegel  January 22, 2021 at 10:26 am

        Amanda, I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope this article has communicated to you how normal it is to not “feel” your mother’s presence. Regardless, she is with you. All the best.

  65. Jennifer Hertlein  January 3, 2021 at 10:43 am Reply

    I lost my mom to cancer November 29,2020. She was diagnosed a year ago. Had a rough start finding the correct chemotherapy, months later one was found but made her sick. My dad was her caregiver (he also has many underlying issues) they have been married 51 years. Mom had a PET scan done August 30th and showed improvement. We were all so happy. November 11th she started to have stomach discomfort (I saw on her calendar-she wrote everything down) and felt extra nausea, and when she ate, starting that day forward she couldn’t keep it down. Dad decided to bring her to the hospital to see what was going on, if anything for hydration a week after she started with these new symptoms. He would take her for routine lab work all the time so he wasn’t as worried because every test showed she was doing great. He brought her to a small community hospital close to home, thinking she would get hydrated and this nausea would subside. I talked to my mom every day, if I missed a day we texted. We lived in different states. They kept her overnight to run more test because everything was reading nothing wrong. It was a weekend, small hospital so they told dad all the specialist couldn’t look at her until Monday, meanwhile she was getting worse while they waited. She started to retain fluid in her stomach. She died in hospice a week later. I was able to get on a plane and be there the end of that week she came home from the hospital with hospice. I took care of her and watched her deteriorate in days. Those days I cannot get out of my mind! Thanksgiving we decided to have her go to hospice house. I’m jumping all over the place with this, but it all happened in a week! Physically and emotionally I was unable to try and take care of her. In one day we even had a glimpse of hope to keep her alive. Finally got a hold of the oncologist to get some answers! Why did this happen? What happened? If we can get her to eat, can you treat this?? This was a day after she got home. She had stomach cancer.. in the lining of her stomach secondary to her very rare lung cancer (never smoker). The cancer that was improving. He said he sure can if we can get her well enough for a scan, but when he saw her she was way too sick. So we tried and tried and we were just fooling ourselves. There’s a reason I’m telling you this whole story. It’s because I feel robbed of my time with my best friend, my poor mommy. I’m mad, full of pain and it’s hard for me to try and get by day after day. It’s not getting better, there hasn’t been a day I haven’t cried. I can’t look at pictures or listen to saved VMs. My mind is full of memories only of her last week. I feel guilt. When I was able to talk with her before she went unconscious, I couldn’t talk to her about dying. When I tried taking care of her, did I put her unconscious with those “comfort meds” hospice left for me?? I miss her! I am also looking for signs of her constantly and I have nothing. I just wish some of this pain would lift! I have read every grief I can find in the past month, I even tried talking to a counselor and that was a joke. I do find some relief reading other’s stories. This article made me feel like I’m not the only one who hasn’t seen a sign of my mom that I desperately so want to see.

    • IsabelleS  January 4, 2021 at 1:11 pm Reply

      Jennifer, I’m so sorry for your loss… My heart goes out to you. I’m glad to hear that this article has shown you that you’re not alone in your feelings. After all, it’s so normal/common to search for signs and to come up short. I’m also sorry to hear that talking to a counselor was of no help. Sometimes it takes trying multiple therapists to find the right one… You can read more about this here: https://whatsyourgrief.com/finding-a-grief-counselor/ We recommend you look for a therapist specifically trained in grief and bereavement, which you can find here: https://grief.com/grief-counselor-directory/. All the best to you!

    • Andrew London  January 18, 2021 at 4:38 pm Reply

      Hi Jennifer.

      Yeah, jumping all over the place while telling the story is normal. I go through that too. I mean, the trauma of what we go through is very confusing. And it’s easy to get the chronological order of things wrong.

      Oh, maybe it’s just me? I’ve been carrying my grief for 38 years. Every year the chronological order of things gets harder and harder to recall. And this pain of loss just keeps getting worse. Everything is like in a haze for me.

      I’ve been depressed so long that the depression feels normal. It’s as if I’m afraid to not be depressed because the depression keeps her memory alive in my heart and I don’t want to lose that. I’ve lost enough already.

      I hope you can find some peace. This website does seem to help a little.

      • ishita garg  January 19, 2021 at 11:20 pm

        Hi Andrew,

        Really it’s been 38 long years ? I can totally understand !! I just can’t go off her thoughts even for 38 secs .. I just can’t believe that she is not there and will never come back. And yes even I am afraid of not being depressed .. I feel that’s the only thing which keeps me connected to her …

      • amaya  January 20, 2021 at 2:16 am





      • Andrew London  January 24, 2021 at 7:41 am

        Yes Ishita, it really has been 38 years.

        I know what you mean when you say that you are afraid of not being depressed because that’s the only thing which keeps you connected to her. I have been depressed for so long that it just feels normal now.

        I’m sorry I had to reply to me in order to send this but I couldn’t find a way to reply to your comment. I hope you see this.

        This forum is really confusing for me. If it’s this difficult to communicate with living people how can we hope to communicate with our deceased loved ones? I keep hoping. But…

  66. Tamarra  December 30, 2020 at 5:06 pm Reply

    Even though you may not believe that you feel your mother or that she is not with you believe me she is. I lost my mother January 12th, 2020. Days were long, months seemed unreal, I felt at times that I had grieved for 10 or 20 years. The days of nearly not being able to breathe and wondering what happened. I too felt the same and along the way she gave me signs and now I know she is with me everyday. Belief gets you there and you have to believe that. Your mother lives in you.
    Her blood runs in your veins, look in the mirror and see her. Sometimes that grief is so thick that she is trying to come through and you have to yes grieve and cry and let the bone shattering sorrow and sadness come. Then something amazing happens and your relationship with her changes. You start to move past the sorrow and the sadness and remember what she taught you. She taught you to go on and she wants you to release her. Let go of the the end of her life and how she died and remember her for how she was and always will be in your life. Once you do that, you will see and feel her everyday. It is truly a blessing to love someone that much and that hard and on the very backend of all the grief and sorrow, your relationship is now even more meaningful to you. That is love. That is what your mother will give you. Believe me, you have to have faith and remember who you are and what she taught you. Belief gets you there. Blessings.

    • IsabelleS  January 1, 2021 at 1:53 pm Reply

      Tamarra, thanks for taking the time to comment and to share your perspective. I’m so very sorry for your loss. Your words are so beautiful and important… They nearly brought tears to my eyes. Our loved ones live on through us. All the best.

  67. Michelle Ford  December 19, 2020 at 5:53 pm Reply

    I just lost my dear mommy a week ago..maybe 2 weeks now..its been such a blur..she was fine..we just had Thanksgiving and she got to meet my soon mother in law. Then.. I talked to her everyday but I had known she had a dr appt. So i thought nothing.couldnt get her the second day i sent the cop for a wellness check we walked thru the house thought he was gonna have to put out an apb but he walked thru one more time and he found her..my life was over. I saw my mommy..my best friend..my life lying there naked and motionless..she was so cold..she had a massive heart attack she was 65..im in shock..i cant stop crying..my only other family is my lil sis and she wont come see me or us comfort each other..see shed rather b at the bar daily than w me..shes an alcoholic mom was too in her own way..but help me someone im in so much pain i dont think i can do it..go on without her..anybody know any free mediums..ive used my spirit board..if it was her..

    • IsabelleS  December 21, 2020 at 11:19 am Reply

      Michelle, I’m so very sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you. The immense pain you’re experiencing is so normal and valid. That being said, I wish there was something I could do to take it away. It may be helpful to seek out the support of a therapist trained in grief, which you can find here: https://grief.com/grief-counselor-directory/. If you are thinking of hurting yourself, or even if you just need someone to talk with, please call the National Suicide Helpline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit their website where you can do a live online chat https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ All the best.

    • Yeidelin Tirpanciyan  December 31, 2020 at 2:23 am Reply

      I’m so sorry for your loss😞❤️🙏🏼 I’m going through similar situation my dearest mom passed away 3 days before thanksgiving, I’m devastating she was in Cuba and I couldn’t be there in her last breath, she passed from heart failure she had heart condition at her 79 years old. She was my everything, we were really close like best friend and still I can’t believe it she’s gone. I prayed to God to give her the light she needs and to Rest In Peace🕊🙏🏼 But I’m still looking for a sign and trying to feel anything but not really much luck. I want to believe but the grief is hitting hard and this pain doesn’t let me see the reality, I hope time will heal all of us who’s going through this sadness and give us the acceptance we need to keep going ❤️🙏🏼 Be well and remember crying is a relief of healing is not part of weakness. God blessed their soul and let the angels of beautiful mom’s watch over us.🕊🙏🏼

      • IsabelleS  January 1, 2021 at 1:42 pm

        Yeidelin, I’m so very sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine how difficult it was to not be by your mother’s side when she passed. You’re so right: Crying (and any other way we express emotion!) is NOT a sign of weakness… It’s a sign of strength! All the best to you.

  68. Kaitlyn Olson  December 15, 2020 at 4:04 pm Reply

    Hi there, I lost my Mom almost 6 months ago on June 20, 2020. I was two months shy of turning 16, and when my Mama passed away I thought I was going to cry myself to death. We were best friends, she was my person; the one I always knew would have my back, and love me. I thought about ending my own life about a week after she passed because life seemed like I would never be happy again. I looked into my brother’s and sister’s eyes-all 4 of them- and I just knew that if I was gone who would teach them how to swim, who wold be there to help with their homework, who would love them no matter what?! I stood up and I told myself, and all of my demons that I am not going anywhere for a very long time, and I know for a fact that my Mama is here with me. I know that some people can’t feel their loved ones with them, but I feel my Mom everywhere. I smell her perfume, and I hear her voice in different rooms calling my name. She used to walk by me and touch the top of my head very softly; the day after she died I felt someone touch the top of my head, and I honestly thought it was my Great-Nana, but no one was there. My Mom was a kind, funny, and loving Mom. She won’t get to meet her Grandchildren one day, but she will be with them. God bless anyone who shares the same dreadful pain of losing a parent, and you are strong, and brave, and beautiful. Don’t let anyone tell you differerent. You are loved…

    • IsabelleS  December 17, 2020 at 10:17 am Reply

      Kaitlyn, thank you for taking the time to comment and to share your story. Once again, I’m so sorry for your loss. Your mother sounds like an incredible woman who will be missed dearly. I hope this website/community brings you some comfort and shows you that you’re not alone.

    • Superna  December 21, 2020 at 5:56 am Reply

      I too lost my mom. On 26th October, 2020 to be precise. She was detected with last stage cancer and passed away within two months. What I feel is anger and resentment of her passing away. I feel a numb kind of pain whic does not seem to go away. My only sibling, an elder sister, lives in UK, while I live in India, with my daughter and husband. I don’t get a comforting feeling from my husband and my daughter is right before her class XII exams so I don’t bother her. I try very hard to feel my mom around me but don’t. I want to see her in my dreams but haven’t been able to do so. I wanted to reach out to share my pain but also try and share yours. I am 47 and you are just 16 but somewhere I feel you are braver. I send you my blessings and strength so that you can look after your siblings in a way your mom would have. But in the process don’t forget to look after yourself. Love

      • IsabelleS  December 21, 2020 at 10:33 am

        Superna, I’m so very sorry for your loss. Thank you for taking the time to comment and to share your perspective… I hope you can follow your own advice: Don’t forget to look after yourself. I hear that you’re not getting the support you need from your husband. Can you communicate your specific needs with him? You may want to check out this article: https://whatsyourgrief.com/basic-grief-needs/ I also hear that you’re experiencing a lot of anger and resentment. This article may be helpful to you: https://whatsyourgrief.com/all-about-anger/ Please be gentle with yourself. All the best.

      • Shivani Thakur  December 30, 2020 at 1:38 pm

        Superna, I lost my mom on the 29th October 2020. Its been two months and life is so so difficult. I wish and wish she was here with me. I try to keep busy but the times when I sit alone, I break down 🙁

    • Amaya  December 28, 2020 at 6:31 pm Reply

      I’m sorry for the loss of your mother and that the signs were not what you expected .
      I lost my older son at 29 I had him very young I was 14 when I became pregnant had him at 15 I fell in love with my lil baby he was my joy it’s been 2 years now but I have to say I was lucky to receive signs from him from seeing orbs , light flickering , evps ect. and a legit medium that validated he was with me up until a couple of months I’ve had no more signs My sister just passed 5 months ago and she agreed on giving me sighs like my son did for us but I have not received not one and I’m still waiting I guess it just depends on something else we
      Know nothing about .

      • IsabelleS  December 29, 2020 at 1:12 pm

        Amaya, I’m so sorry that you’ve had to endure two major losses over the past few years. I’m happy to hear that you are continuing your bond with your son even after he has passed. I, too, hope that your sister sends you a sign. Sometimes these things take time! All the best.

      • Shivani Thakur  December 30, 2020 at 1:39 pm

        I lost my mom on the 29th of oct 2020.,but I have seen no signs . It breaks my heart i feel that she is upset and angry with me and thats why didn’t show me her being 🙁

      • IsabelleS  December 30, 2020 at 3:29 pm

        Shivani, I’m so very sorry for your loss. I hope this article has shown you that your mother is not upset with you and that, regardless of whether or not she sends you signs, she is always with you. All the best.

      • Andrew London  January 19, 2021 at 4:19 am

        Amaya, I’m so sorry for your losses. Bith of them. I’m glad you got to experience your son from the other side, but am sorry that your sister has not come through yet. I can totally relate.

        Melissa died in 1983 and I’ve had no sign either. 38 years is a long time to grieve and wait (my story is below). But I’m still grieving, and waiting, and I’m still trying to make contact.

        Yes, it’s like Tamarra has said above :: sometimes the grief is so thick… and you grieve and cry and let the bone shattering sorrow and sadness come…

        But are they really trying to come through? Is any of this “real?” How do we even define “reality?”

        The religious people are always talking about entering into a relationship with God or Jesus or what-have-you. But that seems difficult enough… to have a relationship with some invisible archtype power that one’s never met… I just want to continue the relationship that I already had; the relationship that death severed.

        I’ve run the gamut of emotions… everything from sorrow to frustration to depression to even anger. I went from believing in a God to becoming an atheist, for how could a loving, all-compassionate deity do this? But after nearly four decades, while I’m not exactly a believer again, I guess I’ve just turned to hope. Know what I mean? I don’t want to “believe,” I want to “know.” But if I can’t know, I guess I’ll just hope. Hoping against hope. That someday she’ll return.

        Even continuing on is difficult. But I’ve made it this far. How, I have no idea? Just one day at a time, I guess? But still, it feels like a dream. A horrible nightmare from which I can’t awake. Can you relate? I’m sure you can.

        Some people say that they can feel us, see us, hear us, even if we can’t see, feel, or hear them. So I hope that’s true. I talk to hear multiple times every day. I visit her grave. I sit for hours just staring into her eyes while holding her photo. I call out to her constantly. Every meal I eat, I invite her to the table; I talk to her while I eat, and even share my food with her.

        Some might say I’m losing it. Am I? Perhaps I need a therapist rather than a medium? I’ll take my chances with neither.

        Regardless of belief or non-belief, religion or spirituality, I’m hoping that love with find a way. If the love is strong enough, the miracle can happen.

        Sorry this was so long. I hope you can find your peace…

      • Andrew London  January 23, 2021 at 6:18 am

        Hi Amaya, thanks for the nice reply. I’m having problems with navigating this forum. It seems that some people that reply have a clickable thingy where I can respond to them and some don’t. I can’t find how to respond to Ishita Garg. She left me a nice reply too. And I’m not getting email notifications either.

        Wow, if I can’t make contact with living people on the internet, what hope is there in reaching our loved ones on the other side? Yes, this is very frustrating.

      • Andrew London  January 23, 2021 at 6:58 am

        Oh yeah, and I forgot to mention that I understand your feeling at being upset with God. I went through that too. Still do. In fact, I’m not sure what I believe anymore. Nothing makes sense. The religious clergy seem as insidious as mediums and charlatans. So since I don’t “know,” and since I can’t “believe,” I’m reduced to just hoping. Hoping that she can hear me, see me, feel me, and know what’s in my heart. But can she?

        Some will tell us that the dead can see us and are always trying to contact us, usually without success. But I say what kind of a God would create such a world, where they can see us, where we can’t see them, and where communication is all but non-existent.

        Of course, the scientists tell us that consciousness does not exist after the body dies, and all of our misery is in vain.

        So be it. If it’s in vain, so be it. I can’t shut off my love. I miss her so badly. Her loss and this grief has become a part of my being. I can’t shut it off. Nor would I want to, for fear of losing what little I have of her.

        By the way, I’m not sure you’ll get this. It seems that the moderator is not approving some of my comments. I’m not sure why? I’m not posting anything bad.

      • Isabelle Siegel  January 25, 2021 at 10:11 am

        Hi Andrew: I was unable to moderate comments during the weekend, which is why yours were not posted up until now. No worries–They should all be available on the site now.

      • Andrew London  January 23, 2021 at 4:53 pm

        Hi Amaya.

        Wow, that soul phone sounds interesting. It sure would be nice if it was true – just pick up your cell phone and make a call. Or they could call us. But is it possible? I’ll have to investigate the website more thoroughly. I watched a few videos there but it seems like it’s still in the developmental stages, so…

    • Dawn  January 11, 2021 at 8:03 pm Reply

      Kaitlyn, you are mature beyond your years. So sorry for your loss.
      I lost my mom in Sept. and I miss her so intensely..I too feel my hair touched lightly! I talk to her in my mind all the time.
      Bless you for stepping up to help your siblings.

  69. Manjusha  December 11, 2020 at 12:17 am Reply

    I feel the same way….y my father is not communicating with me….I feel everything is inside my…I can’t release my pain….I can’t feel him….

    • IsabelleS  December 11, 2020 at 9:59 am Reply

      Manjusha, I’m very sorry for the loss of your father. I hope this article has shown you how normal and okay it is not to “feel” the presence of a deceased loved one. Don’t be so hard on yourself. All the best to you.

      • Andrew London  January 25, 2021 at 7:22 pm

        Thank you, Isabella.

    • Kara  December 26, 2020 at 1:09 am Reply

      I’m so very sorry for the loss of your mom. I lost my Dad this summer while he, and my 9 year old son and I were caught in a dangerous rip current in SC. I don’t know how my son and I got out of it, but my father wasn’t as lucky. He saved my sons life by somehow throwing him to me while he got pulled out over 25 feet further into the ocean .. but seeing him lifeless on the beach and replaying the whole event, still haunts me everyday. I so desperately want to “feel” my Dad around me as well.

      Hours after he passed away, a news reporter posted a picture of a double rainbow that appeared right over the spot where we were caught in the ocean, and I took that as a sign. Days after, rainbows showed up everywhere I looked, and every time I was upset. But now, months later, nothing. I’m starting to question everything as just a coincidence now. I am so sad. I know exactly what you’re going through.

      I talked to a couple mediums as well … one better than the other, but now that too I question.

      • IsabelleS  December 26, 2020 at 10:18 am

        Kara, I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope this article has shown you how common it is not to “feel” a loved one’s presence after he/she has passed. It’s normal and okay to question the signs you have received, so be gentle with yourself. Your grief is what connects you to him. All the best to you.

  70. Samantha Reynolds  December 10, 2020 at 7:28 am Reply

    Dear Ones
    I lost my mom 6 weeks ago. she was the light of my life and the person I loved and cherished the most.

    I won’t get into the details here except to say it was a big shock and I saw her pass away.

    The message I want to share is firstly, my heart breaks for all of you and anyone suffering such a loss. it’s unspeakable and indescribable.

    It is natural (myself absolutely included, which is why I was drawn to this post) to want a ‘sign’ that our loved one is still close by. It’s the ultimate comfort, isn’t it, when we can no longer see or communicate with them.

    I don’t want to criticise anyone’s beliefs or experiences but i DO want to gently share some words of caution.

    PLEASE do not take what psychics and mediums say to heart. It can be truly hurtful. If you watch Derren Brown’s episode on psychics and mediums it exposes this.

    They prey on grieving, desperate people who cling to anything that may vaguely make sense and he shows how to do it – very scary!

    What i will say is that if you think or it comforts you when see for example a dragonfly that it’s your mom, there is nothing wrong with that.

    But if if you don’t – realise that this is no reflection on yoyr relationship with your loved one or how much they love you.

    People often attatch meaning to things and then say they felt something and then you feel bad you didn’t. Maybe this is just their interpretation of random things?

    As for dreams – they really are just random subconscious collections – again, if you have a nice dream of your loved one and it comforts you, that’s fine.

    I think of my mom night and day and have only had 2 dreas about her – one lasted a few seconds and the other she was actually annoyed with me which was weird as she never was when she was alive!

    I dream of celebrities and random people and people i haven’t seen for 30 years more than my mom.

    instead, take comfort in THIS: Your loved one lives on within you. you don’t need any signs to know this to be true. If they are a grandparent, parent, child or sibling, you literally share their DNA! They are biologically a part of you!

    Also, you have inherited many of their personality traits – these are part of you!

    They also shaped who you are today so they made you who you are!

    I this way, you’ll realise that they DO and WILL always live on in and through you.

    Also, I would recommend reading some spiritual texts like Thich Nhat Han who is a Zen Buddhist monk and Khalil GIbran and Rumi, who all write very beautifully about loss and death and grief.

    Stop looking for signs (i do it too!) and look in the palm of your hand instead becuase they are right there, a part of you.

    We carry our loved ones in our hearts – they are that close!

    • IsabelleS  December 11, 2020 at 10:09 am Reply

      Thank you for taking the time to comment and to share your perspective. Everything you said is so important!

    • Sandy  January 16, 2021 at 11:05 pm Reply

      Sorry to hear this but your love ones hand around until they get use to the spirit world a lot right after they leaves, after that they come n go as many times as they please they have at least 1 person in the family that they connect too and to let you know they are at peace… I have so much I can share with you I have pictures of my love one and even a recording of him talking trust me they can hear you and watching over you all the time

    • Andrew London  January 23, 2021 at 6:28 am Reply

      Hi Samantha.

      Yes, I totally agree with you concerning mediums and psychics. That’s why I’ve never used them in all these years.

      However, the DNA thingy doesn’t apply to me. Melissa and I weren’t related. My story is below so no need to repost it here.

      I totally get what you mean about dreams too. I’ve experienced much the same. I’ll dream of strangers, but not Melissa. Never Melissa.

      It’s hard for me to believe she’s been gone for 38 years. She was 17 when she died on that horrible car crash. Her photos are older that her!

      I really don’t know how I’ve managed to survive without her. But yeah, I’m growing old without her. But every year that passes gets harder, not easier.

      We all grieve in our own way, I guess.

  71. Quentin Trumiel  December 9, 2020 at 7:39 pm Reply

    My mom has passed November 18th 2020 from cancer. She was was doing so good and very healthy oneday she had a stroke and everything went downhill from there. My mom was a strong lady she couldn’t accept that she couldn’t move her hands and walk like she use to. Every time she would try and walk I would jump up so fast just to help her it didn’t matter what i was doing at the tome. Me and my family grew up in a different way then most we never said i love you to each other. Even though i love my mom we so much and i know she love me to it was a word that was never said in our house. I remember when she first told me she had cancer i cried for hours praying and begging god not to let her die. When she finally passed i was so sad but i was very mad. I still cant accept that she is gone i try to see if i can feel her around me but I can’t. Also i have talk to seven different psychics and they all have said something totally different. One psychic told me she wasn’t ready to die then the next one said she was ready to go after that i talk to another psychic and she told me my mom was all over the place i didnt know what to say about that. But the last one said that my mom didn’t feel like talking right now and to come back in February. I kinda laugh but for someone reason i keep thinking about that. Is it true why wouldn’t she want to talk to me and why wait to February i hope that i can connect with her so bad i really need to i miss her so much im even crying now. I don’t know how I’m going to go on the rest of my life without my mommy.

    • IsabelleS  December 11, 2020 at 10:17 am Reply

      Quentin, I’m truly so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you. The emotions you’re feeling–the anger, sadness, difficulty accepting reality–are all so normal and valid during the grieving process. I too hope you and your mother can connect soon… But even if not, be gentle with yourself. These things can take time!

    • STAN  December 16, 2020 at 10:39 am Reply

      This same cancer of a disease. just this year I’ve lost both my mum and uncle to this cancer which was in a span of 3 months I loved my mother so much. it still hurts for me to wake up and realize she’s not in existence anymore. I’ve entered depression and have also thought of alternative ways to die without suicide all of this broke me. Sometimes I go to the mirror and ask myself why did 2020 do this to you. Sometimes I just feel like vanishing, this year was the absolute worst.

      • IsabelleS  December 17, 2020 at 9:46 am

        Stan, I’m so sorry for the multiple losses you’ve experienced in such a short period of time. You may want to check out this article: https://whatsyourgrief.com/cumulative-grief-aka-grief-overload/ It may be helpful to seek out the support of a therapist trained in grief and bereavement, which you can find here: https://grief.com/grief-counselor-directory/. If you are thinking of hurting yourself, or even if you just need someone to talk with, please call the National Suicide Helpline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit their website where you can do a live online chat https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ Please be gentle with yourself. All the best to you.

      • Andrew London  January 23, 2021 at 7:09 am

        Hi Stan.

        You’re talking about COVID-19, right?
        I lost an aunt to COVID the week before Christmas. There were a couple of co-workers succumb to COVID last month as well. So yes, 2020 was not a good year by far.

        I also know what you mean about seeking ways to die. I’ve been dealing with my grief for 38 years. My story is below. How I’ve survived this long is a mystery to me. But I keep on living. I have good days and bad says. But my good days are probably worse than most people’s bad days, so go figure.

        Most of the time I’m just numb. Just taking things one day at a time. I don’t drink or do drugs. I don’t see a therapist. I don’t go to mediums or psychics. Untill finding this site, I just kept my pain hidden to myself. Only 2 of my closest friends know my pain. Not even my family knows the burden I carry.

        I hope you can find a way.

  72. Victoria  December 5, 2020 at 7:34 am Reply

    Thank you so much for this article, my mom also passes from cancer on Nov. 17th of this year. My entire family is close but me and my mom spent the most time together, like you I have been desperate for a sign a dream anything to feel her again but nothing. I hate the night time I feel like it is the worst and that I can physically feel my heart breaking in my chest. My sister and I have been talking about hummingbird tattoos, I want to go to a psychic but also afraid of a bad experience and them telling me bad things. I hope your grief is getting easier I am still in it.

  73. Annette  November 29, 2020 at 4:54 pm Reply

    Dear Friend, I am so sorry for the painful loss of your Dear, Beloved Mother, your Best Friend. It’s a very painful loss we have to experience. It’s just awful. I am with you in spirit and I am praying hard for you. Your wonderful Mother was a very special person, and She raised such a sweet and Caring and Compassionate Daughter-You. I lost my beloved Mother on January 8,2020at 7:38 pm. She had cancer and Alzheimer’s. She suffered terribly. She was a wonderful Kind and Nice person. I miss her every day.

    Please take good care of yourself and know we all Love you and we support you and we send you Our Collective ❤️ Love to you.

  74. Chloe  November 27, 2020 at 8:17 pm Reply

    My Nan passed away in September, really suddenly and unexpectedly. It’s the first time I’ve experienced loss or felt grief like it. I thought I’d be able to feel my Nan around me or her give me a sign from wherever she is. But I don’t. Other family members have felt things and heard her in their sleep, but me nothing. It’s making her feel really distant to me and makes the thoughts and feelings of her being gone seem really strong. I hope eventually I feel her presence around and she doesn’t always seem so far away.

    • IsabelleS  November 30, 2020 at 11:18 am Reply

      Chloe, I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope this article has shown you how normal it is to not feel a loved one’s presence after a death. I understand that this can be distressing, but please know that there is nothing wrong with you. I too hope that, with time, your Nan feels close to you again. For now, be gentle with yourself.

  75. Anika  November 14, 2020 at 3:12 am Reply

    This article truly resonates with me. What I googled was why do I feel like my Mom’s spirit is in me like at times I’m seeing the world through her eyes or looking in the mirror and not seeing myself but seeing her. I lost my Mom in April this year. Like you, my Mom was my best friend we spoke on the phone all the time, she was the one person I would talk to about everything that was going on in my life. The last time I saw her was July 2019 she lived in my home country I live in the US. Because of covid I wasn’t able to go when she had a stroke the week before she passed and have been unable to go there since. What was ironic was we had plans for her to come live with us and she kept putting it off until she got herself organized and finally decided that this past August would have been when she would have made the move. I went into a severe depression to the point of not even wanting to be here anymore, I still feel that way at times. The thing that helped to ease my pain somewhat was visiting a medium. I received validation that my Mom isn’t somewhere in the heaven sky or buried under the ground but is actually a living spirit that is still here with me. I know this for sure. I dreamed about her 4 times since she passed. Twice I could only see her back to me, once she was with my Granny and Uncle who both passed on the side of the highway and I was in a car that was driving by and wanted to get out to be with them but the car kept driving. The last and most recent time she came into her previous home and her landlord was in disbelief that she came because he said she was dead. I took her hands and said Mom you died on April 12 and she had the most confused look like she was trying to process how can she be dead. Since I visited the medium I see an orange butterfly often times and I know that is her connecting with me, orange was her favorite color. Actually when I was last home she just turned to me and told me in detail how she wanted to be buried in an orange dress. Fortunately she was able to get that wish granted through a good friend on mine providing her burial outfit, for a funeral I could not attend but looked at on Facebook live 😢. My heartache comes not in not knowing or seeing signs that my Mom is here with me because she is definitely sending me signs daily through music, the butterfly, I even see her spirit when I am meditating. I too have moved away from religion at first being angry with “God” for taking my Mom away when she was so close to being here with us and knowing that move would have signaled a fresh start for her as she struggled a lot during the last years of her life. In the medium reading she referenced a friend of mine who does meditation sessions which I was always invited to but never got around to attending. I now attend his biweekly meditation calls and it’s the only thing that is helping the anxiety and panic I feel every day I wake up knowing that my Mom is no longer in this world. My heart aches because even though I am getting very clear physical signs I feel no connection to the signs. I have a hard time looking at my Mom’s pictures or even thinking about her because when I do she feels like such a distant person to me, it feels empty as if we never had the strong bond that we did have. And it hurts that I can’t even think about the one person who always thought about me and was such an integral and constant part of my life. Sometimes it feels like she never even existed. And I don’t understand why I feel nothing when I think of her. I don’t know if it is that my heart is so broken that it doesn’t know how to feel anything anymore. I feel numb at times like I am just a walking zombie in a world where everything around me is “normal” but I’m an outsider looking at it all unfolding but not truly a part of it. My Mom was always there for people even the ones who didn’t deserve her time and love. And even now I feel like she is still showing up for me even though I feel nothing when I see the signs that she’s there, just as she would have in the physical by always being there for the people around her even though they showed her they didn’t love her. So she is still sticking with me as I try to work through this phase which I hope is truly a phase and reach to a point where when I see her picture I can actually feel the love in my heart for her that I’ve always had and that I can smile and think about the great times we had. Because now I can’t even truly recall things we did together and how it felt being around her, hearing her voice, seeing her smile, touching her hand, hugging her. The memories just aren’t coming into my mind. Somehow I just can’t bring them back. It just feels so distant like someone I knew a really long time ago or never even knew at all. And it’s heartbreaking because we were so close. We did everything together over the years. Unlike with my Granny who has passed almost 15 years ago I can still feel how the wrinkles on her arms felt cause I loved to sit and stroke her arm, I can hear her voice, see her smile and really feel the moment of the memory in my mind. It’s just not that way with my Mom I just can’t feel her. The visit with the medium and my loss in faith in religion had lead me to study things of a spiritual nature to gain a better understanding of what truly happens when we die because I have seen evidence that spirit is still here with us when they depart from the physical. I hope that one day the veil of grief and the pain I am going through will lift so I can feel my Mom’s presence in my life and truly smile genuinely knowing that she is right here with me.

    • IsabelleS  November 16, 2020 at 11:20 am Reply

      Anika, I am so sorry for your loss. I understand how bittersweet it is to feel your mother’s presence… You feel lucky to feel her, but the pain is so fresh and difficult to endure. I too hope that one day you will be able to smile at her presence. For now, be gentle with yourself. It may be helpful to seek out the support of a therapist trained in grief, which you can find here: https://grief.com/grief-counselor-directory/. If you are thinking of hurting yourself, or even if you just need someone to talk with, please call the National Suicide Helpline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit their website where you can do a live online chat https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

    • Karrie  November 16, 2020 at 2:59 pm Reply

      I’m so glad I read your post. I feel guilty that I don’t or can’t feel my mom who passed away April 18, 2020 from Covid-19. She was diagnosed with Lung cancer in January that metastasized to her liver. We knew she was terminal but we promised her we would be next to her holding her hand as she crossed over. But we couldn’t because of coronavirus COVID-19 killed my mom. Last time I saw my mom was March 13 as she was leaving my home with my older sister back to the hospital because the chemo made her neutropenic she wasn’t able to fight off infection due to no white blood cells. I knew in my heart it was the last time she would be at my home with me & my 3 kids. As I packed her things that morning she kept saying don’t forget to pack my extension cord Karrie…at the last minute I took it out of her bag and kept it…i had an awful feeling it was the last time she would be sleeping over.
      My mom was staying in a nursing home because the chemo heightened her beginning signs of dementia and made her legs weak. She had 1 more round of chemo left & the tumors were shrinking. A week before she passed she called my sister saying she couldn’t breathe & was scared. My sister made the dr do a covid text on my mom that Wednesday. Saturday 1:30am my mom passed away alone, unable to breathe as soon as the nursing home put her into the ambulance she was gone. My sister says my mom comes to her all the time etc… I’ve dreamed about my mom we were close I was her baby who couldn’t I feel her around me? I attended a very well known psychic medium who is doing zoom group readings now and he told me: my moms message to me is I’m being selfish and wanting signs on my terms he said she was in my face screaming I’m selfish because I’m not allowing her in. He kept saying to me “You’ve got to be open to ALL signs and you need to be open to ALL healing that comes your way.” I am open or I thought I was now I’m confused, embarrassed that he wrote on his blog I got an ass kicking from spirit, that my mom came out with guns blazing to tell me I’m selfish?? 75 strangers on the zoom meeting saw & heard this.
      Now I’m more confused, hurt from my mom if she truly came through and was so mean about it?
      Stay safe. 😷

      • Jen  November 30, 2020 at 12:58 am

        Hi Karrie, I randomly read your comment as I was looking around for comfort regarding my own mom who died a few days ago.

        All I can say is there’s no way that “medium” channeled your mom. You sound like a very loving person and your mom clearly was too – not a chance that a loving mother would communicate from the beyond like that! No way. May you find peace and comfort very soon.

      • Cat  December 5, 2020 at 12:42 pm

        I’m sitting in the lobby of a hospice house waiting for the last breath. Your mom and mine had almost the exact same journey – I can’t imagine not being able to say goodbye. My heart hurts for you.

        I’m an atheist and not so sure about an afterlife or spirits, but I won’t discount it because my mom was a believer.

        I understand your pain. I’m sorry.

        Love to you and your family,


  76. Jessica  November 9, 2020 at 1:28 am Reply

    I’m not sure how to start. I lost my daddy, my rock, my best friend Oct 29th, just over a week ago. I feel like my left side is dead, I’m in shock and I ended up having to go up to where he died and all in one week, take care of his affairs, move his home, and cremate him all while in shock, my dad lived with me the last 15 years, he left for a short time and 2 days after talking to me on my 46th birthday, he never woke up. I long to feel his presence or a sign that he’s here because this pain is taking my breath away, we were besties and I need to know he’s here, I want to see him or feel him. My grandma and my cousin came in my dreams after they passed and let me know they were okay, I pray my daddy does because I feel like I’m dying!

    • IsabelleS  November 10, 2020 at 10:41 am Reply

      Jessica, the feeling of having lost a part of yourself–or of having died alongside your loved one–is very common and normal in the grieving process. I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot begin to imagine the pain you are experiencing right now. I too hope that your father visits you in your dreams. All the best to you.

    • Heather  December 19, 2020 at 4:50 am Reply

      Hello:) I lost my sweet, sweet Dad suddenly to a fall/brain bleed on 10.22.20 followed by my Mom 11.25.20. Not as sudden but also very quick obviously as she was just a month after my dad, her husband of 50 years. They weren’t perfect but they were mine. To steal a quote from my sister, “I miss them on a cellular level.”

      I feel like I felt them both differently but a lot immediately after their passings. And now nothing. The nothing actually guts me. I search for meaning everywhere but knowing the grief is their connection to me actually helps a little 🤍

  77. Amanda  November 4, 2020 at 5:06 pm Reply

    Hello, I will try and make this as short as I can and try to do this without crying. But, your story really caught my attention. I am very sorry for your loss and the sadness you feel. I guess mine may be a little different because I still feel things. Sometimes, I don’t want to, I know that sounds horrible. I am a 47 yr old woman who lost her father when I was really little and I was always the apple of his eye. He never went anywhere without me. Well, he committed suicide in the home I grew up in until I was 16. I was 13 yrs old one night, I had just went to bed and thought my mom was looking in on me. I turned to look and he was standing there watching me sleep and it looked like he was actually there. Well, to this day I have been petrified of the dark but still feel him around me or atleast I want to think its him around me. OK, long story short, I still struggle with dreams, I still cry over him, I still talk to him like he is there. I don’t think I have never gotten over it and probably wont. It is really hard to lose someone that you were so close to like that and love very much. I don’t think you really do get over it. The only thing that sits in the back of my mind now is if I could see him as a child, why am I unable to see him again as an adult?

    • IsabelleS  November 5, 2020 at 11:04 am Reply

      Amanda, thank you for taking the time to comment. I am so sorry for your loss and for this pain you are enduring. I hope this article has shown you how common and normal it is to struggle with feeling your father’s presence. Regardless of whether or not you see your father, know that he is there.

  78. Darcie  November 3, 2020 at 12:29 am Reply

    Hi Cara – I usually never leave comments, but your blog really hit hard for me. I’m also extremely close with my mom so I cannot imagine not being able to feel her presence. I’m sure you’ve tried everything to try and do so. I absolutely can’t imagine that pain. I googled not being able to feel the spirit of a loved one who’s passed, and this was the first to pop up. My grief is nothing compared to losing a parent, but I recently lost my dog. I hope this doesn’t seem insensitive, compared to losing a parent or close family member, but I’m 31 and she was almost 15, I’ve had her half of my life. I am usually an extremely vibrationally sensitive person. I’ve felt and had signs come to me for every loved one that’s passed, I feel very fortunate for that. Except for my sweet girl Bailey. She was primarily my dog, but went to live with my parents for the past year due to travel for my job, and unfortunately I was not able to be there when she died. I’m just so surprised, I’d think, more than anyone, Bailey would come to me, especially since I couldn’t be there for her when she died. But, nothing. I almost feel cheated in a way that I can feel so many others, but not her. Or, she doesn’t want to come to me bc I wasn’t there for her. Without her presence, Idk which lane to go. A beautiful Weimaraner, and she was my best friend… but nothing. Anyway, again, I know this is nothing like losing your best friend and mother, but just having a rough time. Thanks for posting something relatable, love to you and your family. ?

    • Kelly  November 3, 2020 at 12:18 pm Reply

      Dogs are family as well. I never thought about this before because I lost my 13yo dog a few months after my Mom and was still in shock. I too wasn’t there when he passed. Let for work and he wouldn’t come inside. Passed during the day. I honestly don’t know what I will do when my 5yo passes. Sorry for your loss ???‍??

    • Andrew London  January 25, 2021 at 7:38 pm Reply

      Hi Darcie.

      I’m so sorry for your loss. Yes, losing pets is difficult too.

      Two weeks after Melissa died in 1983, and I graduated high school, and I started rescuing animals… dogs, cats, even a hamster once! Of course animals don’t live as long as people, so over these past 38 years since Melissa’s death, I’ve had to endure the death of many pets.

      Right now I’ve got 3 cats that I rescued in 2016. They do help me through the rough patches. But I’ll turn 56 in July. So I think that by the time these 3 are gone I’ll probably be too old to adopt any more. Know what I mean? I’m sure things will REALLY get tough when THAT happens. Some days are pretty unbearable now.

      I’m growing old without her. She would be turning 55 in this April, but was only 17 when she died.

      Pets, parents, brothers, sisters, husbands, wives, friends, etc… it doesn’t matter. It all hurts.

      The pain might never leave us. At least we are in good company here on this site.

  79. Jen  November 1, 2020 at 10:26 pm Reply

    Hi, I lost my beautiful mum suddenly in June. She was taken in to hospital and told she had cancer, 5 days later she was gone. Fate meant I was with her when she passed, but I’m completely lost without her. We where more like sisters than mother and daughter, I would have gave my life for her, but her passing has got me questioning did I do enough for her, did I ever leave her out or make her feel unwanted? I just want a way to connect with her. We always spoke about when the time came as unfortunately we’ve had a lot of deaths in the family over the last few years including my gran and dad. She always said i will always be with you, even when I’m not here, really hope she is but just wish I knew for sure. Iv dreamt about her coming to me and she’s was laughing but iv bit had anything for a while now. Sorry for rambling on just here to see if someone understands.

    • Kelly  November 3, 2020 at 12:12 pm Reply

      First of all, I am very sorry for your loss. I too have these questions about my Mom. I live with the guilt of why. Why did I tell her to have that stupid neck surgery that ultimately took her life unexpectedly, why was I a jerk all of those times, etc, etc. I think that no matter what we will probably question ourselves but I’m sure you were an awesome daughter just by the way you described your relationship with your Mom. I have learned in the 2 years since losing my mom that those thoughts are just that, thoughts, almost like our mind playing tricks on us. I too waited for her in my dreams. My best friend dreamt of her the 1st week and she was laughing in her dream. I felt VERY cheated as she lived with me and was my best friend so in my mind surely she would. I experienced a similar situation when I lost my dad but only took a few months. I finally got to see my mom in my dreams, and it wasn’t that great. I woke up crying and I was literally up and running like I was chasing after her. It was a harsh reality for me when I actually woke up. Not even sure if I have a point except to say I believe that she will come to you. I feel like maybe I was one of the last because I was so close to her. Idk wish I knew the answer but do know that no matter what our Mom’s are ALWAYS with us. I hope you find some peace and comfort. ??

  80. Jenni  October 18, 2020 at 5:14 pm Reply

    I lost my mum a month ago and I have been angry that I havent felt her presence I did see a robin in the garden somthing I never have and took that as a sign .

    But i am disappointed there wasnt more when my father died 15 years ago i could feel his presence as could my partner even when we went on holiday I could feel my dads presence sitting in the living room.

    But when my grandmother passed the year before i never felt or had any connection despite the fact we were very close.

    I have come to the conclusion now as I rarely feel my dads presence at all perhaps some people cross all the way over immedietly and others over time as they are at peace .

    • IsabelleS  October 19, 2020 at 11:09 am Reply

      Jenni, I am so very sorry for the losses you have endured. I hope this article has communicated to you how normal and valid your experiences are. It is completely okay to be angry that you don’t feel your loved ones’ presences at all times. I hope you know that they are still with you.

    • Colleen Scatena  October 21, 2020 at 11:55 pm Reply

      Dear Jenny. I could relate to your story as if it were my own. I lost my mom 4 years ago and we were so close in ways we didn’t even understand. She always promised me she would come to me when she could after she died. I felt nothing but heartache for my mom. I did not feel her presence. I tried so many of the things you tried. Read books. Tried deep meditation. I tried it all but still nothing. Which made me even sadder because then I was worried she really was gone and I’d never feel her again. People and therapists said your not ready your still grieving and when I was ready she would come to me. So I started talking to her and writting her letters all the time. But im still waiting for my mom to come to me. I had the most incredible mom who was my best friend and Ill miss her every day for the rest of my life. I feel your pain I really do.

  81. Kelly  October 17, 2020 at 5:15 am Reply

    Wow, I never knew that there were so many other people who were experiencing this as well. I’ve been almost ashamed to admit it to anyone I know. Anyway, I lost my Dad to cancer in 2016 at the age of 57 in which he only lived 8 months from diagnosis. Then came the literal WORST day of my life 2 years later, April 28th, 2018. My Mom lived with me as she did most of my adult life, and she had successful routine neck surgery and had been home from the hospital for 8 days at this point. I got up the morning of the 28th at 4 am for work and I could see her bathroom light from across my bedroom and my dogs were freaked out and that’s when I saw her body. She was on the ground in the bathroom half hanging over the tub stuck in between the toilet. The second I saw her eyes I knew. I’m sorry im crying hysterically right now typing this and it’s been 2 years for me so im so very sorry for those of you who are presently experiencing this. I wasn’t able to give her CPR, my husband had to. I know that sounds so awful but I knew, I just did but I should have tried anyway. Guilt, shame, remorse it’s all real. My mom had just turned 60. She was just going to become a grandma for the 1st time, she had so many plans, most of all, I was NOT ready for her to leave. She was extremely religious which after all of this had me so angry. For those of you who are struggling with religion now, I believe that this is pretty common in grief. I went through it with my Dad as well. This feels different though. The 1st week I had friends and family messaging me how they had dreams about her etc etc. It took 6 months to have a dream of my dad, never one since and never a sign. But I had this thought that as close as my mom was with God of course she would give me a sign. NOTHING!! Very hard pill to swallow at times when my sisters who didn’t have the same relationship tell me how often they do. The guilt even after 2 years is unbearable. The one thing I try to remember is the word faith. My mom would always tell me to have it so I’m trying to have the faith in myself to be able to move forward. Sometimes im not sure if I can but know I have no choice. I get told you have to be open to seeing the signs but the things I’ve seen so far have been a coincidence more than anything. I convinced myself at 1st that they were signs of her because at least it was something. I do pretend that every time I find a penny that it’s a penny from Heaven. I hope you all find peace and happiness ?✌?

  82. Kristan  October 4, 2020 at 10:46 pm Reply

    I lost my beautiful wife 2 months ago to breast cancer, she was only 40 yrs old and we have 2 young kids. I’ve been to Psychics and Mediums before, even before my wife passed and after she passed away I’ve been to several. 3 of these Mediums have provided some validation and are really good. All of them told me that my wife didn’t want to die and if she has to choose where she is now and staying with her young family, she would choose to stay alive….but things happen for a reason, my wife said she doesn’t know the answer now but in a couple of months, she will.
    She will always be with us particularly our kids, she said she watches them at night when they are asleep and she’s around the house. I couldn’t feel her though. Her sisters already have dreams about her but I haven’t had any…I felt that I am being punished for what, i dont now.

    I just couldn’t feel my wife’s spirit at all, she’s around according to the Mediums….but she’s not around me.

    • Andrew London  January 23, 2021 at 7:32 am Reply

      Hi Kristan.

      Seems like most of these posts are coming from people that lost a parent. But your story really hit me hard. Losing one’s soulmate is unbearable, and I can feel your pain.

      My story is below so I won’t rewrite it here. But yeah, I know what you mean when you say you feel as if you’re being punished. I feel that way too.

      After Melissa died (in 1983), I tried to move on. But it still took 6 years to actually get married. I tried to be a good husband. But I guess it wasn’t meant to be. My wife left me after 12 years.

      I’ve had a handful of relationships over the years, but I always grieve over Melissa. So it’s really not fair to the relationship. Ya know?

      After my last relationship ended, I decided to simply live my life as if I was a widower, and not get involved with anyone ever again. It just wouldn’t be fair to them.

      But I also can’t help but feel guilty that I even tried to move on. I always beg her forgiveness for getting married, etc. Most people would probably think I’ve gone insane if they knew my grief. I mean, every experience that I’ve had, every memory of my adult life, Melissa has been dead.

      That is just not fair. Some days my sorrow turns to anger. Why her? Why did she have to die while so many horrible hateful and cruel people get to live? She was an angel in human form. Beautiful in face and in personality. The most gentle person I’ve ever known. I miss her so much. I love her so much.

      I hope you can find a way.

  83. Christina  August 29, 2020 at 6:30 pm Reply

    Touching stories, I’ll share mine with no real intent but just that I have stories to tell hopefully it will touch one of you or help You understand. In 2000 I lost my grandmother while holding her hand while living in her house and for a while I felt nothing but when it came time for the estate sale my two-year-old started quoting her words although he had not really learned many of his own or at least His vocabulary was much less educated than the ones that He began to speak! Two weeks after she passed I gave birth to my third son who had her eyes full of her wisdom. It wasn’t until three years later not in her home And during trouble times of my own that and during trouble times of my own that I started to smell her literally feel her and be comforted by her in some pretty intense ways for a non-believer of that sort of thing. As a nonbeliever I wasn’t sure if it felt good or not so good but I began to love it and then it kind of went away fading slowly. In 2013 I laid beside my mother until her last breath and I remember waiting and hoping and angrily talking out loud asking why I felt nothing where Was she? did you not love me as much as my grandma did I have still never felt my mother and I comfort myselfBy assuming she’s with my sister instead which may or may not true actually The fact is it just is what it is I guess you feel some and not others and then I realized one day as I’m aging walked by A mirror and I stopped and I looked what do you know there she was looking right back at me every expression every smile my eyes my age and I realized she’s right there with me this whole time in the mirror. Last month my sister’s best friend lost her son 20 years old in a car accident I knew him but not well it was a very tragic accident that left her begging for him to give her a sign that he was OK I didn’t know this of course. I have four sons as well the same age and then I had a dream a very short and vivid dream her son was there and for no other reason but to tell me hi and asked me to call his mom and tell her he was OK and so I did hesitantly not knowing how she’d react she broke down in tears and thanked me thanked me thanked me It was exactly what she was hoping for and had not found on her own it was a beautiful thing and I was glad I shared. I guess you just have to find your wayAnd see what you see and believe what you believe and know that they are with you in the way that they can be. I wish everyone comfort grieving it’s not easy No matter what good luck everyone it’s just never easy and it’s just never the same find your comfort where you can

    • Julie  September 28, 2020 at 1:28 pm Reply

      My mom died in June and I miss her so much. I can feel the physical tug to find her for solace and I am always left sad. She was my best friend and champion and I grieve also for the person I was in her eyes.

      • Jen  November 1, 2020 at 10:36 pm

        I lost my mum in June also, I’m forever looking for answers, signs, anything to let me know she’s ok and with Me, I have smelt her perfume and felt someone touch my shoulder when I talk to her, but grief is never ending everyday I feel I wake up and take a deep breath, and I try to hold that breath all day because I know the second I let go I’ll break, that’s the only way I can explain it

      • Kaitlyn Olson  December 15, 2020 at 4:18 pm

        I lost my Mom on June 20, 2020, and I still don’t know how to move or laugh like I used to. She was my best friend… I feel like I can’t breathe somedays, but then other days I feel happy. I am 16 years old, and I have to grieve over my Mom when she should really be here with me, my 14-year-old sister, and my 9-year-old brother. People say that it will get easier, and that is how I know that they have not had someone very important to them die because to be honest, it is not going to get easier. It will be easier to laugh and feel happy, but the grief will always be with you. That grief, that feeling will never go away.

      • IsabelleS  December 17, 2020 at 10:15 am

        Kaitlyn, I’m truly so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you. You’re right–The grief will never go away. You may want to check out this article: https://whatsyourgrief.com/grief-recovery-is-not-a-thing/ That being said, it will get easier to laugh and to feel happy like you said. Your mother will always be a part of you. All the best to you and your siblings.

  84. Kim  August 21, 2020 at 6:41 pm Reply

    Oh my goodness this is so my mom and I. She always promised she would come back to me if she could. I sleep with her ashes next to my bed. I hold her favorite little robe she wore every night when I sleep. I beg for signs. And I get nothing? So at this point I just wonder if anything is true. Im just left here alone with a broken heart trying to imagine living the rest of my life without my mom???

    • Naomi Aranda  October 23, 2020 at 7:12 pm Reply

      I feel exactly this way. I was so close to my mom. She passed a little over a week ago & I thought for sure she would come to me by now but nothing. I feel so alone without her. I just want her to tell me she’s ok and she’s happier now that she isn’t suffering. She loved me so much and always wanted to be with me. Why won’t she talk to me??? ??

  85. Claire  August 19, 2020 at 9:52 am Reply

    I’m so glad I found this article. My dad died three weeks ago today and I have felt an immense frustration in not being able to feel him or receive any signs. He took his own life so this anxiety has consumed my life of whether he’s okay or not, if he’s in a good place, and if the pain he was experiencing has subsided since his passing. I spend every moment of every day frustrated by the fact that I don’t feel him around me like everyone promised I would. Is everyone else lying and they’ve deluded themselves into feelings and signs? Or is there something wrong with me preventing me from being able to see or find the signs? I keep begging for a small morsel – just something clear and bright as day so that I’ll know he’s okay and so far nothing. I can’t imagine him being on the other side and seeing the pain I’m in and not throwing me a bone just to ease some of my anxiety. This post helped me come to terms that maybe it’s me and I’ll probably never feel him again.

    • TLC  November 9, 2020 at 10:49 pm Reply


      I lost my father when I was six. He had hung himself November 14th 1994 in a basement of an apartment building after my biological mother (they were never married) moved me, my fathers only child, to chicago, three hours away from him.
      My grieving experience from his death is still as confusing as it was at 6yrs old. I was always ignorantly happy (in the best way possible) until my teens.
      Here are the four times I feel he has intervened/come to me since 1994.
      1) after a long abusive road with my biological family, I remember looking out my window and being upset with daddy for leaving me with my (abusive) mother…i asked him to just take her far away from me….cause that’s the least he could do (I cannot believe at 8yrs old I spoke to my deceased father this way) but shortly after this call for help, some extended family members stepped in and sent my mother across country to get an education while living with an uncle. I was sent to live with said family member and my goodness. God, my daddy, and every angel really delivered. I was ultimately adopted by my great aunt.
      2) I was going through the typical teen phase…and was having a self pity breakdown in my bedroom…and asked my daddy to give me a sign hes with me. A sign he remembers me. Anything. Then, my beta fish was suddenly floating on top of his small vase in the roots of the plant beta needed to survive. I rushed to the sink…quickly attempting to clean his vase when he fell out of the vase, into the sink, and on the drain cover. I picked him up, put him back in the vase with same water (I gave up cleaning the thing at that point) and he was alive and well!!! Fighting my hand on the vase as he used to do all the time.
      3) I cannot remember what age I was with this but it was a dream. He came to me in a dream!!! I was at my aunties house and he was upstairs of the split level house. He had a leather jacket and just looked at me with such content in his expression. I had no idea what it meant at the time but now I feel it was him happily visiting his daughter.
      4) this actually happened recently….within the last 5-8yrs. I had just moved out of my adopted families home and in with my boyfriend (now husband). I heard my daddy’s voice!!! I had forgotten it….it took him saying my name THREE TIMES until I recognized him.

      Long story short…I know they’re with us. Your father loves you so much. In my opinion, when someone takes their life, it’s a mental health situation. My adoptive mother would also tell me that my daddy was sick and wasn’t thinking with his heart but his mind which wasnt healthy at that time.

      I hope you can trust me when I tell you he loves you. He will protect you when its important and you may not realize until years later.

      Please, take care of yourself….the pain never lessens and it doesnt get easier. In my opinion and experience, I’ve just learned to find comfort wherever I can.

  86. Cathy  August 18, 2020 at 7:26 pm Reply

    OMG, I feel like I wrote the above message. I was searching on the internet for “Why can’t i feel my mom’s presence since she died nearly 4 months ago?” when i came across your site. I too feel like my mom and me had the relationship you described. Mother – daughter was just the landscape or beginning. We were best friends. We spoke daily and since she and my step dad moved to be near me 5 years ago, we spent every weekend together and many weekday evenings together as well. We were inseparable whether we lived a few miles or thousands of miles apart. Her passing was unexpected. She was to finish her last radiation treatment for endometrial cancer on the day she died. Dad found her laying in hall between bedroom and bathroom. We think she had a heart attack but didn’t do an autopsy. Why? wouldn’t bring her back. Anyway, it was unexpected because she was cancer free and had totally impressed the doctors with her strong constitution and resiliency. I took look for signs everywhere. I see red cardinals and think it’s her. i see yellow birds and think it’s her. i see the three digits that make up our first home address, more times daily than i ever have before, and think it’s her. I haven’t gotten tattoos yet…maybe that’s next. I did speak briefly with a medium. She said mom said, “It’s too early to talk. Don’t make the same mistakes I did.” I can definitely hear her saying both though have to admit i felt a little rejected hearing too soon to talk. But i figured it was her letting me know she didn’t see it coming either and was making peace with being gone. I’m really questioning whether this is an afterlife at all; after all, if there is, where are your and my mom’s??? Why can’t we see and hear from them as we expected?I too thought it would be ok as long as she stayed with me, i can manage better knowing she’s here. But i feel, see and hear nothing, at least that i recognize. I also thought i’d be inconsolable. Instead, i cry briefly but that’s all. Maybe i’m suppressing it and afraid to let “it” out…i have no idea. I just know i lost my best friend, the person i planned to grow old with. Our entire life plan was get a place on the beach when i retire in a year or two and enjoy all our time together! I can’t believe she has died. I’m sure i am sharing the same words and thoughts everyone on this post is feeling. It’s unbelievable, empty, lonely, sad, etc. And we all wish we could be with our loved one again, even just sense them with us frequently. Thank you for letting me share my thoughts. I’m sorry you lost your mom. You loved each other very much as did my mom and me. May we both find some comfort in the wonderful memories we have of happier and healthier times.

  87. Cyndy Mix  August 10, 2020 at 11:47 pm Reply

    I recently lost my husband 2 months ago. My mom also passed both within a year. His kids not mine have decided I was the cause for him dying. They decided to destroy my life by wanting the home our cars his social security. They have lawyer fighting me. He was in the part of buying out his and my husbands business. There was no will his son said he wont give a dime My lawyer has done nothing for me struggling with money to survive. i have a dog which is my life never had kids. She recently had a seizure. Thank god she is alive. Up top all that im getting ready to go thru a major surgery for my 7th neck. When i come home i have no one to help me. They think this is all funny.any thoughts on this devastating journal I’m living thru. Thank you in advance for any comments that might help me in this nightmare of a life.

    • Jon  November 29, 2020 at 3:22 pm Reply

      I’m so sorry to read what you’ve gone through. I can kind of relate, I lost my husband, mom, sister, and nephew all within a 4 year span and I have no one. I went from a graduate student to barely eking out a life on assistance, my health is shot as food is my only comfort.

      As to the topic of the blog post, I haven’t received any ‘visits’ from the other side, either, aside from a few dreams, but I dream of unusual things happening all the time so I chalk it up to coincidence.

  88. John  August 10, 2020 at 6:28 am Reply

    Thank you all for your truth. I lost my wife of 50 years two months ago. We new each other over 60 years. The pain is unbearable. I can relate to all your stories. I send you all big hugs. One day we will all die and hopefully we will see them again. I like some of you dont want to live but I am scared that if I do anything I may not be allowed a place with her if there is a heaven and god does exist. So I keep the faith and try to be as good as she was so that I may meet her again. I feel all your pain and send love to you all. I am 70 years old so surely it wont be too long.

    • Andrew London  January 24, 2021 at 8:14 am Reply


      Your comment and devotion to your wife brought tears to my eyes. We are kindred spirits, of sorts. I didn’t have 60 years with Melissa… but have been mourning her for 38 years. I’ll turn 56 in July. But I know what you mean about trying not to do anything wrong that will jeopardize my eternity with her… if there is a heaven / god.

  89. Dee  July 8, 2020 at 5:24 pm Reply

    I’ll be honest, reading this kills me a little inside. I lost my mom less than a month ago to cancer. We were so close and I spent the last 3 months as her caretaker as she rapidly declined. I hope some day I’ll be able to feel her and I’m clinging to ways to try to connect with her even more now that she has passed. Keeping busy and out of our home is the only way I seem to be able to keep this subject off my mind. I truly hope that if I can honor her on everything I do, that will be enough. At least enough to help my grief ease a bit.

  90. Debby  June 2, 2020 at 10:40 am Reply

    I truly know how u feel. I lost my Mom a in 2016. I’m an only child. There r times still that the grief consumes an engulfs me. There have been times I look in the mirror an see her instead of me. There r times I think I AM her instead of me. I often wonder if I’m losing my mind. I said to relatives at her graveside that as long as there was breath in me that she would still be here. I wonder sometimes if our souls traded places. I pray for her to come to me in a dream. One thing I do know: even though she will not be my Moma in Heaven but a Sister in Christ I am not ever going to let go of her. My heart breaks for u. ❤

    • Amy Case  August 2, 2020 at 7:05 pm Reply

      Deby, I can’t believe I read this, I feel like I’m her all the time! I’m also an only child and Mom and I were very close. I have had a lot of coincidences happen, too many actually. I’ve heard there’s no such thing as coincidences, just conformations! I don’t feel like she’s around me, no presence but when things happen, I just can’t deny that it was Mom. She passed away in November, two days before her birthday. I’m also renting her house and still living here (I moved in to take care of her after a stroke), so she should be everywhere here.

  91. Debby  June 2, 2020 at 10:40 am Reply

    I truly know how u feel. I lost my Mom a in 2016. I’m an only child. There r times still that the grief consumes an engulfs me. There have been times I look in the mirror an see her instead of me. There r times I think I AM her instead of me. I often wonder if I’m losing my mind. I said to relatives at her graveside that as long as there was breath in me that she would still be here. I wonder sometimes if our souls traded places. I pray for her to come to me in a dream. One thing I do know: even though she will not be my Moma in Heaven but a Sister in Christ I am not ever going to let go of her. My heart breaks for u. ❤

  92. Lashiela Darden  May 27, 2020 at 10:30 am Reply

    Good Morning,
    My heart is heavy as I recently lost my mom in April. She had cancer and did not recover well from the surgery, due to dementia. I am struggling because I’m an only child and the extended family cant even comfort me due to this pandemic. I also have a close relationship with my mom and 5 years ago I began the process of losing my mom to the dementia. You would think I would be ready by the time she transitioned but no I was not ready. On top of this my father passed away 3 1/2 years ago so now I feel like an orphan.

  93. Rizique  May 16, 2020 at 6:15 am Reply

    I dont even know how to start because im already fighting tears here. I lost my mom 3 days ago due to diabetes and its the hardest thing i’ve ever been through but though i lost my bestfriend the person who’s hurting the most and breaking my soul is my dad, he lost not just his wife of 40yrs but his best friend as well and i feel useless because i dont know how to help him and help me as well

  94. Rizique  May 16, 2020 at 6:15 am Reply

    I dont even know how to start because im already fighting tears here. I lost my mom 3 days ago due to diabetes and its the hardest thing i’ve ever been through but though i lost my bestfriend the person who’s hurting the most and breaking my soul is my dad, he lost not just his wife of 40yrs but his best friend as well and i feel useless because i dont know how to help him and help me as well

  95. Paula Brewda  May 15, 2020 at 11:55 am Reply

    Thank you to everyone for your comments. I lost my husband 4 years ago to cancer after 5 very hard years of surgeries and cancer treatments. Although it was an unbearable loss, he is now out of pain and suffering.
    My sons are still suffering as well, which breaks a mother’s heart
    Except for a few friends everyone just disappears, not unusual I’ve come to find out but which makes life hard.
    It’s a very lonely experience which you all know. Especially in this pandemic we’re all going through. Trying to keep busy but that doesn’t seem to make a difference. I’ve got a lovely little dog to hug and she loves to cuddle and give kisses and that’s the only thing that helps.
    Sending love ? and hugs ? to all who are suffering,

  96. Paula Brewda  May 15, 2020 at 11:55 am Reply

    Thank you to everyone for your comments. I lost my husband 4 years ago to cancer after 5 very hard years of surgeries and cancer treatments. Although it was an unbearable loss, he is now out of pain and suffering.
    My sons are still suffering as well, which breaks a mother’s heart
    Except for a few friends everyone just disappears, not unusual I’ve come to find out but which makes life hard.
    It’s a very lonely experience which you all know. Especially in this pandemic we’re all going through. Trying to keep busy but that doesn’t seem to make a difference. I’ve got a lovely little dog to hug and she loves to cuddle and give kisses and that’s the only thing that helps.
    Sending love ? and hugs ? to all who are suffering,

    • Rhonda Viers  May 18, 2020 at 2:44 am Reply

      YES!! EVERYONE HAS DISAPPEARED!! I lost my daughter 6 months ago. Ive never been so hurt and lonely. Why do people just disappear from our lives when we need them so badly? I dont get it and im so angry. Like you, i have the sweetest pups for hugs and kisses. What did you do when people left your side? Im sorry for your loss. I wish i had known you. Id have stuck by you.

      • Cyndy Mix  August 10, 2020 at 11:55 pm

        I have no idea why they disappear just goes to show you who cares. As you can see in my post lost my husband 2 months ago after 39 years and my mom within a year. My health is bad having my 7th neck surgery in 2 weeks. Never had kids have a dog she recently had a seizure. She’s ok

      • Claire Moorcroft  October 12, 2020 at 4:12 am

        I’m sorry for your loss I lost my disabled daughter(21) last January through pheumonia and fluid on spleen as I’m arranging her funeral my dad died 2months later of cancer so as his next of kin I was attempting to arrange his funeral too and I long for signs of either of them and not had any im more than open to recieve them but nothing and everyday is a struggle carrying on bieng alone wandering what’s the point

  97. Gladys  May 10, 2020 at 3:37 pm Reply

    This hit me really hard. I lost my dad almost 5 years ago and they say it gets better with time, but I don’t know. Some days, the pain of losing him seems to get worse, not better.; and is almost unbearable. I still feel the stabbing pain of his loss. Tears still come to my eyes and roll down my cheek. Sometimes, the sadness and the reality that he’s gone forever overwhelm me, even all these years later. “Cherish the memories”, they say. Although memories help, they’re also all I have of him. Losing my dad, a truly good man the way I did, to pulmonary fibrosis, an incidious disease with no cure, shook my faith and belief in God to the core; and I’m now borderline agnostic (please don’t judge). Seeing him suffer the way he did before death finally took him, has left an indelible scar on my mind and my heart.

    I don’t feel him very often like I thought I would. I’ve only dreamt of him 3 times in nearly 5 years. People say he’s in a better place but that doesn’t change the fact that he’s no longer here with me. And I wonder is he really happy wherever he is seeing as my mom aren’t with him? I don’t know. I’m not sure of anything anymore. You can’t hug memories. Sometimes I think memories are a cruel irony because they are what’s left of something that was. The only thing I’m sure of is how much I miss my dad and that pain, no matter how vague will never go away.

    • Sarah J  August 13, 2020 at 12:16 am Reply


      Your heartfelt comments are appreciated. They struck a cord with me. I just lost my Dad and was wondering why I haven’t felt him. I’m his youngest and we were close. He was here, and now he’s gone. I feel nothing from his spirit. Memories are just memories like you said. Where is he? If he’s supposed to be with me in spirit, why do I feel nothing?

    • Sabrina  September 21, 2020 at 3:08 pm Reply

      I feel your pain. I lost my Dad five months ago and I thought my pain should have subsided by now, but it hasn’t. I am fine during the day with my job and my two kids, but during the night grief all just overwhelms me. Dad spent 7 weeks in the hospital , all because of a gall bladder stone that turned into infectious pancreatitis. He hated docs and hospitals but spent all those weeks fighting the disease in near isolation in the ICU, before he finally passed away. And yes, I have turned agnostic as well since. He was a good and honest man and for him to have suffered the way he did – just doesn’t make sense.

  98. Gladys  May 10, 2020 at 3:37 pm Reply

    This hit me really hard. I lost my dad almost 5 years ago and they say it gets better with time, but I don’t know. Some days, the pain of losing him seems to get worse, not better.; and is almost unbearable. I still feel the stabbing pain of his loss. Tears still come to my eyes and roll down my cheek. Sometimes, the sadness and the reality that he’s gone forever overwhelm me, even all these years later. “Cherish the memories”, they say. Although memories help, they’re also all I have of him. Losing my dad, a truly good man the way I did, to pulmonary fibrosis, an incidious disease with no cure, shook my faith and belief in God to the core; and I’m now borderline agnostic (please don’t judge). Seeing him suffer the way he did before death finally took him, has left an indelible scar on my mind and my heart.

    I don’t feel him very often like I thought I would. I’ve only dreamt of him 3 times in nearly 5 years. People say he’s in a better place but that doesn’t change the fact that he’s no longer here with me. And I wonder is he really happy wherever he is seeing as my mom aren’t with him? I don’t know. I’m not sure of anything anymore. You can’t hug memories. Sometimes I think memories are a cruel irony because they are what’s left of something that was. The only thing I’m sure of is how much I miss my dad and that pain, no matter how vague will never go away.

    • julie mc pake  May 19, 2020 at 7:17 pm Reply

      Hello Gladys
      i have just joined this site and saw your message. i can relate to what you said. i have just lost someone so special to me i have known over thirty years and has lived with me twenty until having to go into care a year ago due to a stroke. i brought him home when i could. i have a disability and could not manage on my own. i could. not get him home for good due to not enough help in the system and them wanting too much money. i hated that he had to go there, All visitors were stopped visiting due to the virus five weeks ago so i went from being there every day three times until 10.30pm to just seeing him on skype. it was so hard, then all of a sudden he got the virus, how on earth it got there i dont know. all in two days he died, again i could not see him at the funeral parlour. it has ripped my heart out all i do is cry. i am so desperate to see him again. i feel i will never be happy again. people say i will but they dont understand we were each others life.Like you i cannot feel him and wonder why. he said he will always be with me. i have loads of memories but they hurt i cant bear to think. all i know is the good times are all gone,

    • Andrew London  January 17, 2021 at 9:01 pm Reply

      Gladys, your honest words ring true. I know exactly what you mean… everything from the stabbing pain to the loss of faith in god… I’m right there with you. I’ve carried this pain with me for 38 years (my story is at the bottom of this page). Every year it gets worse. But I keep going. Not moving on. Just moving forward. I wish she’d come to me. Let me know how she feels. There are so many stories of people’s experiences… from dream visits to full-blown apparitions in the flesh, and everything in between. But I’ve none of those. You’re not alone in your sorrow. Those of us that love so deeply, experience the most profound suffering.

  99. Julie  May 6, 2020 at 4:11 pm Reply

    Thank you for posting this. My mom died in 2009 and there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of her. I could relate to much of what you wrote about. We had such a close relationship. She was my best friend too. I often tell people that I hit the “mom jackpot!” Recently I took on the challenge of organizing old family photos, which I’d put off doing since my dad died 3 years ago. It’s quite a task and emotionally draining for sure. My mom took A LOT of pictures! So glad to have them though and I will say I’ve felt a closeness to her that I haven’t felt in a long time. I can truly feel her loving, positive spirit coming through those photos. Again, thank you for sharing.

  100. Julie  May 6, 2020 at 4:11 pm Reply

    Thank you for posting this. My mom died in 2009 and there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of her. I could relate to much of what you wrote about. We had such a close relationship. She was my best friend too. I often tell people that I hit the “mom jackpot!” Recently I took on the challenge of organizing old family photos, which I’d put off doing since my dad died 3 years ago. It’s quite a task and emotionally draining for sure. My mom took A LOT of pictures! So glad to have them though and I will say I’ve felt a closeness to her that I haven’t felt in a long time. I can truly feel her loving, positive spirit coming through those photos. Again, thank you for sharing.

  101. Gary B  May 4, 2020 at 11:25 am Reply

    Hi Elizabeth:
    Its tough to say “dont feel like that”.
    I lost my wife of 38 years marriage-44 years in love and HS sweethearts from her senior year prom.
    She was 62 and we had both just retired to live that “good life” that we worked so hard to earn!
    Its coming on 2 years August and I have the same feelings as I do not feel-sense and surely have not seen her. Oh there is a once in awhile dream but its just with her in it but not coming to me or saying anything-just memories playing out.
    I too feel the same- was I worthy? Did God take her from me because I was not good enough? What did I do wrong?
    Sadly- I think thats a common thing when a spouse goes-especially when young and losing out on so much.
    Hang in there.

    • Colleen  July 20, 2020 at 1:44 am Reply

      Thanks for this article. It’s a very brave and honest thing to write. There is no reason why it need be brave to write apart from this pervasive belief we should be connected to the deceased in some tangible or definable way. But as you say in an article, if it was that easy to feel connected to the dead grief probably wouldn’t be grief. Because it wouldn’t seem final.

      I laughed out loud at the Jedi bit. Thanks for giving me some insight and a laugh first thing in the morning, when i struggle with loss the most. Hence why i found this. I was considering a tattoo as well. I even feel I am my husband sometimes, i talk and act like him. It seems to comfort me as if he’s not totally gone. His spirit and way of living carries on a bit with me. I’m a bit braver and less careful than when I’m just like me. My husband was a free spirit.

      I sat last night trying to feel a connection but had to admit there was none. Nothing Only, ( no small thing) this huge yearning and deep love for my husband that seeks expression and embodiment. That drives me to carry on living somehow, even though I don’t want to. A love i feel in every fibre of my being. For which i need to honour living and carry on. To live as fully as i can, not only to honour the fact he doesn’t get to live these years, but to make something worthwhile for myself out of this heartbreak. It will never make up for his loss but neither will giving up on myself. Thanks for doing this work. X

      I’m not wishing to diminish anyone’s experience by describing my own. If you do feel a tangible connection i think that’s wonderful..i wish i did. Xx

  102. Elizabeth Munoz  May 2, 2020 at 11:29 am Reply

    Thank you for sharing. I lost my husband, my high school sweetheart, 2 months ago. We have 3 boys ages 13,11,&9. I don’t feel him. I talk to him. I pray. I just feel numb. I cry every night. People say they feel him or dream of him. I have not. I started to think maybe I wasn’t a good wife and that’s why he hasn’t come to me. I say to myself maybe he is in quarantine too. I just miss him so much. Then I found this article. Thank you!

  103. Sylvia Keenan  April 25, 2020 at 4:53 am Reply

    I lost my beloved 21 year old son on the 1st of Feb 2020,sudden death a syndrome of the heart. He was found on his knees in the bathroom, preparing to have a bath. There is no words to express the agony I feel, his the 3rd son of three, born 13 years after his 2nd oldest brother.

    From seeing him perfect and beautiful the previous day to dead on the floor the next morning is something I have to try and have treated by a phsycologist. Nothi g any one said could make me understand why God would allow my beautiful son in person and personality die.
    The 3rd day after his death I went insane histerical and begged God for me to please see him again.
    That night I had a dream of him coming towards me looked like he had a light shining on him, and his mouth shaped in a perfect circle to kiss me then he was gone. I have not seen him again. But everyday a see this huge butter fly fluttering arround In the garden infront of my room, once after I got out of the car it was fluttering anf sitting on the paving, but the most astonishing event of which my husband has seen all, as I would show him, large butterfly that sat few inches from me and in the house, where I was sitting with my head on a chair howling my eyes out. When I finally noticed it, it sat there for a few seconds, and the flew straight out of the front porch door.

    I am a Christian and do not believe in the sole of our departed being reincarnated, but I have read that there are ways they let us know they arround.
    The other are feathers, and I have about 10 different feathers, which I have picked up in the places no birds have been. 2 in my sons room, I in my bathroom passage, and some when I go on walks I just see a feather out of the blue.

    This has helped me stop crying my heart and sole out, but the pain is still there, sadness longing and all the other emotions all of you have mentioned.
    True I have become a bit callous as some of you mentioned, My over sensitive compassionate side is gone. I am still a believer hoping to see my son again, however my way of believing has changed.
    Will it ever get any better?

    • Adriana S  May 26, 2020 at 10:18 am Reply

      Sylvia, it seems we’re around the same timing of the grieving process. I lost my mother on the 3rd of February this year. She fell down while waiting to pick up my niece from school. Her heart stopped and we somehow managed to all get there (me, my sister and my dad) to be by her side until the doctors stopped resuscitating her. It was completely unexpected, it was shocking, the whole memory, the whole process still seems unbelievable. My sister was holding her hand while the doctors tried to restart her heart, and she remembers that at some point a white feather flew below their joined hands. And yes, there were several instances of white feathers in unexpected places. And I do dream about her, I do see her, but most of the time she appears to be alive in the dream while I’m aware she’s gone, so I somehow conclude she’s resurrected. I actually interpret this as not being able to accept she’s not alive anymore. I just pray she’s peaceful now, and maybe we’ll meet again somehow. Take care of yourself.

    • Adriana S  May 26, 2020 at 10:27 am Reply

      And right now I’m actually wondering if it was meant for me to get here and reply to your comment. I just noticed that you posted this on what would have been her 51st birthday. It hurts but I’m slightly smiling as well. Sending you a hug

  104. Sylvia Keenan  April 25, 2020 at 4:47 am Reply

    I lost my beloved 21 year old son on the 1st of Feb 2020,sudden death a syndrome of the heart. He was found on his knees in the bathroom, preparing to have a bath. There is no words to express the agony I feel, his the 3rd son of three born 13 years after his 2nd oldest brother.

    From seeing him perfect and beautiful the previous day to dead on the floor the next morning is something I have to try and have treated by a phsycologist. Nothi g any one said could make me understand why God would allow my beautiful son in person and personality die.
    The 3rd day after his death I went insane historical and begged God for me to please see him again.
    That night I had a dream of him coming towards me looked like he had a light shining on him, and his mouth shaped in a perfect circle to kiss me then he was gone. I have not seen him again. But everyday a see this huge butter fly fluttering arround In the garden infront of my room, once after I got out of the car it was flutter g a d sitting on the paving, but the most astonishing event if which my husba s has seen all as I would show him, large butterfly dat few inches from me where I was sitting with my head on the a chair howling my eyes out. When I finally noticed it, it Sar there for a few seconds, and the nay flew straight out of the front porch door.

    I am a Christian and fi not believe in the sole of our departed being the reincarnated, but I have read that it is ways they let us know they arround.
    The other is feathers, and I have about 10 different feathers which I have picked up in the places no birds have been. 2 in my sons room, I in my bathroom passage, and some when I go on walks u just see a feather out of the blue.

    This has helped me stop crying my heart and sole out, but the pain is still there sadness longing and all the other emotions alll of you have mentioned.
    True I have become a bit callous and as some of you mentioned, I my over sensitive compassionate side is gone. I am still a believer hoping to see my son again, however my way of believing has changed.
    Will it ever get any better?

  105. Sonya  April 17, 2020 at 12:32 am Reply

    all I can say is thank you ?

  106. Jennifer  April 15, 2020 at 11:59 am Reply

    As someone that has absolutely no religion or spiritual beliefs (please don’t judge)… when my husband died, I too was infuriated with all the comments of he’s with a god, he’s with you always, he’s in a better place etc… which goes against everything I believe. I have finally realized all of those people, are trying to make themselves feel better or they think it is the “right” thing to say and it really had nothing to do with me at all.

    So how do you “feel” someone who has passed away and is now nowhere… Look within yourself! Patrick and I were together 15 years, he was my lover, my partner, my everything… and because of this, and because of him, I became who I am, and that will never change. I am a better person for knowing him, sharing everything with him, opening myself up, and living a life together I once loved. My thoughts, actions, and words today are “us” not mine alone… so you see he is right here where he belongs… stop looking anywhere else.

  107. Alissa Miller  April 15, 2020 at 8:49 am Reply

    This story brought tears to my eyes. I lost my mom on 3/22/2020. I want to feel her and I just can’t. I feel like I messed up in life and this is my punishment. me and my mom were so close. she was close with my whole family. My brother has gotten signs from her multiple times. I may have gotten one. i want to feel her so much. I also hate when people say just talk to her and she will respond if you just listen. I want to hear her voice and see her facial expression when something cool happens. She was my everything . i never felt a pain like this. At 65 years old she was taken way to soon. I was not ready but who is ever ready to losses there mother. well thank you for reading this. It helps to get stuff off my chest. Love you mom and miss you more then you will ever know.

  108. Beth Moulin  April 15, 2020 at 12:39 am Reply

    Oh how I needed to read this. My son passed in November 2019. The bond we had was a topic among his friends and mine and they often said I wish my relationship with my mom or moms would say I wish me and my son has the bond you two do. So when he passed away at 41 unexpectedly in his sleep, I was devastated but I always believed those “he will always be with you”, “you will feel him with you”. But nothing. No feelings of him, no signs, very very few dreams and then they made no sense. I’ve been beyond grief. I don’t have a word for it, but it is raw, painful, and and I am bonded to it and no longer my son. That’s what I feel like. This post made me feel better. Thank you for sharing.

  109. Lanette D Sweeney  April 14, 2020 at 1:27 pm Reply

    Thank you for this moving and honest post. I had lost many loved ones: my grandmother and uncle, both of whom had lived with me while I was growing up, my younger sister, my in-laws, friends. But only when my son died at the age of 26 did I become desperate to “feel” a lost loved one, and to know that they “existed” in some spiritual form. In the early weeks, I did have several remarkable signs, most notably that at his funeral service, as I stood in front of the crowd to begin his eulogy, I said out loud, “I don’t know if you can hear me, Kyle,” and immediately my phone, which I had tucked into my bra, rang a long ring. I made a joke about how this was a reminder for all of us to turn off our cell phones, but when I looked at my phone, there was no missed call. So perhaps that was my son, letting me know he could hear me. If I cried out, as I often did in the early days, “Kyle! Where are you?” I would “feel” him answer me, feel some kind of reassurance wrap around me, feel him answering “Right here.” (Though not with words I could hear.) My ex-husband, Kyle’s dad, who also had lost a sister and his parents and many friends, felt as I did, not previously interested in (or even believing in) an afterlife, yet he, too, longed for signs after our son’s death. A few days after the memorial service, he was driving alone in his car, wishing he could hear from Kyle, when he suddenly heard our son’s voice, out loud in the stillness of the car, say right in his ear, “I’m OK, Dad.” He said it startled him so much he screamed out loud. I wish I’d had something that clear, but perhaps we each got what we needed — his disbelief was greater than mine, so he needed something more direct. In any case, now that 3.5 years have passed, I no longer feel anything, even when I cry out for my son, and it makes me very sad– but I am also relieved that if there is an afterlife, he isn’t spending it hanging around watching me grieve every minute; that sounds awful. I believe the great beyond is too mysterious for us to comprehend while we are still living here on this earth, thus we only get brief glimpses through the veil in extreme grief. As the years pass, it all starts to seem like a dream that we ever heard from our dead, but I believe that, too, is how it is meant to be, lest we become so sure of what awaits us that we hurry ourselves to get there. One thing that provides comfort, for sure, is being able to share our grief stories as we are doing here, so thank you to the founders of this group, this writer, and all the commenters.

  110. Tammy J Rider  April 12, 2020 at 9:35 pm Reply

    Oh, thank you for this. I have been so wondering what was wrong with me, that I was unable to really feel my mom’s presence with me since she died. We were incredibly close, like the relationship described in this article. Best friends, finished each other’s sentences, talked every day. And being a pastor myself, I believed when she died that she was just on the other side of the veil, part of the communion of saints. Surely we would still connect spiritually. But there has been such silence.

    I miss her so.

  111. Kurt  April 12, 2020 at 8:44 pm Reply

    I lost my wife of 33 years November 21 2019. We always get up early and on that morning she was not up yet so I went to wake her and I found she had passed. It’s been just over 4 months. I feel so lonely and lost. We had a wonderful love. We knew each other. They say opposite attract. Couldn’t be more true. I feel the hurt and pain know it but can’t describe it. It makes me cry a lot. Some times I have good days where I think about all that she gave me. We raised 4 wonderful children who are all adults now. She made me the person I am. I don’t know what the presents of someone who has pass feels like but I would like to believe it would be a nice feeling. My wife would twiddle her thumbs when she was content. I have had 2 different instances since her passing where I found myself twiddling my thumbs. I have never done this. Each time while twiddling I felt content. I found myself aware of doing this and told myself to stop. They wouldn’t stop just slow down and start again. Don’t know what it means. But I hope she was there.
    When I was 12 my father passed away. I was too young at the time to comprehend what was going on. My parents devorced when I was 5. Didn’t really know him. About 5 years after I got married I had a dream so vivid of him I almost call in sick at work. He was there and I ask him where he had been all this time and he had no answer. Don’t really remember any dreams of him prior to or after that dream.
    I feel your pain

  112. Krista  April 11, 2020 at 1:18 am Reply

    I can really relate, not that I don’t ever feel my son’s presence, but I definitely thought there would be this magical moment, when I knew in my heart of hearts was him. Like when he came into my life. I got very specific with validations I wanted from mediums, ad ended up walking away mostly disappointed, most times. I almost thought he “owed” it to me. After all I am his mother , he surely knew how hard this would be for me. Selfish I know. I struggle going back and forth between that thought and how hard it must of been for him. He died by suicide a little over a year ago. I almost envy him that he is free from his pain. I ask on a daily basis to give me a sign, a sign that I know I must go on.

  113. S.  April 10, 2020 at 4:35 pm Reply

    I loved the author’s story, and everyone’s comments/stories here.

  114. Jessica North-O'Connell  April 9, 2020 at 3:45 pm Reply

    I lost two of my beautiful, wonderful, amazing adult children, 10 years apart. I really didn’t expect to feel them around, as I had started losing dear ones when I was nine and my grandfather died, then my grandmother. I was close to them, having lived with them for the first five and a half years of my life, but when they were gone, they were gone. (Later, I would sometimes get intimations that a loved one was going to die, but there was no contact after they did.)

    Imagine my surprise when, for a full year after my daughter died, I would hear a knock on my bedroom wall every morning when I woke up. One morning I didn’t just get up when she knocked. After sleeping for another hour, I was awakened by her voice calling me insistently “Mom!” as though she needed my attention right now!

    After my son died, I walked into our bedroom and found the TV remote placed precariously on its side. Neither my husband nor myself would have done such a thing (not wanting the remote to get damaged by falling on a hard laminate floor). Then I started “hearing ” my son telling me about how he felt as though he was simply in another area where he was invisible to me, but there nonetheless. He had a lot to say about his current state of being (we had been very close). Then, after a few weeks, things became quiet and I assumed that he was involved elsewhere. Quite some time had passed and one night during a dream, I had a phone call from him. I was so glad to hear from him, but he cut me off saying “no, Mom, still dead.” We laughed. Since then, I’ve had another dream where we were busy doing things together, brainstorming ideas.

    So, I wasn’t expecting to “hear” from them and I did. I’ve lost a lot of very special people during the course of my life and never heard anything, even though others did. We just never know…

  115. Joni Sensel  April 9, 2020 at 1:38 pm Reply

    Thank you for this. I think we all feel some version of this longing for evidence of that continued connection so that the relationship we have with our lost loved ones doesn’t feel so one-sided. The length of the responses on this post make that clear. I’ve had some pretty remarkable dream visitations and other incidents that reassure me, but they’re few and far apart, and I can relate to those who don’t have that at all. But I conclude that once our beloveds are beyond our usual five senses, our intuitions are the only sense we have that still can touch them, and that by definition is subtle and open to doubt.

  116. Trish  April 9, 2020 at 1:02 pm Reply

    Paul died the day after the election, so those days will be forever linked, I’m afraid. It has been close to 3 1/2 years my husband, best friend, goofball tennis partner has been gone. I understand the feelings you’ve all expressed about looking for signs, for a sensation or feeling… I have had some really vivid dreams where I can actually feel Paul’s arms around me or hear his voice – and I try to hold onto those memories as long as I can when I wake up. We were so close, it is as if he took a piece of me with him that, even after these years, is still missing although healed over somewhat. I couldn’t breathe when he left – like one lung had collapsed. I had to remind myself to breathe: I was holding my breath a lot. But. One day I was sitting out on the yard swing he had bought for me, looking into the open garage half-expecting him to walk out to check on me, as he always did when I worked in the yard. And a breeze kicked up, scattering some leaves and blowing my hair into my eyes. It occurred to me that I couldn’t see the breeze but knew it was there, I could feel it and see it’s effects; and, in that same way, maybe Paul was there, too. Couldn’t see him but could somehow be assured that he was around me. Another thing happened, last year. I went to a week-long writers’ retreat that was to be focused on processing and writing about grief: figured I’d get out some of the things I’d been holding inside and maybe even some things I didn’t realize I was holding back. It was a surprise, actually a shock, to me that every prompt we were given to write about brought out all kinds of different memories and emotions about things and people in my past, some/most were difficult to relive, but not once did I write about Paul – except to include him in the story as helping me and the kids through some of those experiences and changing us into the people we were now in spite of all those things that happened before he came into our lives. This was so mysterious to me, why I hadn’t written about him when I had gone there to process my grief, that I mentioned it to my brother when I got home. Without a moment’s hesitation, he said “well, dummy, that’s because you and Paul didn’t have any unfinished business! You two were perfect together and loved each other so well, there was nothing to work through or figure out once he was gone.” That hit me like a ton of bricks… But I think he is right. We were fortunate that we had time to say goodbye (he died at home of cancer) and knew we loved each other until the end. That is his final gift to me, I think – that he loved me totally. And I still love him and always will. I miss him terribly – I cry sometimes and ache for him. It hasn’t been easy; I’m pretty much an introvert and a one-man show when it comes to love and friends, so have felt alone and lonely a lot. And now we’re locked away in our individual houses with the pandemic raging outside our doors. He would have been so susceptible to this virus. I don’t know if any of this helps anyone but it has helped me in working through losing Paul and having my life changed forever. No idea what comes next, I am not sure I’m ready for anything new yet, but I’m trying to stay healthy and engaged with our two grown sons and the rest of my family – Paul said I had to “take care of the family” before he died, why I couldn’t go with him when I told him I didn’t want him to go alone. After taking care of him and spending every minute with him through his final 8 months, not being with him was unthinkable, to me. This is probably the hardest thing I will ever go through – unless something happens to one of my kids. I’m afraid I’ve gotten a bit hardened but stronger. Maybe it’ll soften some after more time? Good luck everyone; stay healthy and try to find happiness.

  117. GaryB  April 9, 2020 at 8:48 am Reply

    Look Gang- I lost my wife to horrible cancer coming up on 2 years August 9th. We had 44 years in love and 38 married and we were attached to our hips we were so close. It was a”Live-Laugh-Love and Love You To The Moon And Back” romance. We were ONE!
    I gotta say I just dont feel her or see her in any visitations either and it hurts me. It makes as someone here said-makes you feel like “did I do something wrong”? Or more to the point of all this happy babble stuff just pure babble from people hoping you dont break down when you are near them.
    I was ok and fair with God and my religion till I lost her and am no longer a fan after the tragic thievery of the most wonderful angel who passionately followed and believed in him. A priest came and asked her if she did not live to 101 as she was saying at the end she would-would you be upset with God and she looked at him and said YES.
    Well she was gone at 62 and all that remain are photographs and memories and thankfully the horrible last images are faded.
    But no sorry and sadly I just dont feel her no matter how hard I try and look -I just feel the grief and pain and agony of her loss even more year 2.
    I am also not into the “oh look theres a butterfly-cardinal-rabbit-blue jay- robin or deer its her”- No its not-It is what its always been a creature. I refuse to try and visualize some bird looking at me as my wife coming to see me- I just cant.
    I need a real sign to feel her with me and from what I have read maybe not till my time comes as I am fading will I actually see her again.
    Thats my comment- its just me.

    • Andrew London  January 24, 2021 at 8:24 am Reply

      Hi Gary.

      Your comment rings true with me. My story is below so I won’t go into it here. All I can say is that I can relate to everything you said.

  118. Carolyn M  April 8, 2020 at 11:02 pm Reply

    My sweet husband will be gone a year on April 15. I cannot wait for the “last first” to be over. I believe people don’t know what to say and that’s why they say what they do – they think they’re helping, but the words hurt. Some have been in my shoes, some have not. How I am getting through everything is through my strong faith, my family and friends, and knowing that he is now, and will forever be, cancer-free. I’ve had one dream about him, but can’t remember what it was, just that it made me feel good. I miss his arms around me. I still wear my wedding ring and have no intention to stop anytime soon. I don’t see that as anything macabre, and feel that I will know, somehow, when the time is to take that off. It may be never; it could be sometime later. I find seeing a therapist has really helped me. I am very grateful for her and everyone who’s been with me through this journey. I wish everyone here, mired in grief, that you hearts will heal. I sometimes think mine has, but then a memory shows up and it feels broken or empty again. And yet I continue to remind myself: he is now, and forever will be, cancer-free.

  119. Nina  April 8, 2020 at 9:02 pm Reply

    Like you Cara and Mitra, my relationship with my mother was wonderful. I had more than a few people give me the “she’s with you, you should be happy.” It has been 4 1/2 years since she died and yes she is always with me. But, it is not in a good way. I am always thinkimg about her and missing her. My tears just below the surface . …Even when thinking of all the good times we shared.

  120. Cheryl Ramsay  April 8, 2020 at 6:44 pm Reply

    I too went the psychic medium route to get answers. I lost my dad, then my mom & 16 year old cat within 11 months. I really felt
    so devastated & alone. Even though I’m older and still single by choice, I lost my… everything. What do I do now? Who do I live for. My dad came through, he kept me grounded and as always guided me with few or little words, effectively. “Walk away, it’s not worth it.”
    “Know, we didn’t want this to happen this way.” And then one night I heard him, his voice and saw him in a dream. He said; “God loves you.” And though I’m 550 miles from home, in a new town for a new chapter, I keep looking forward to what’s next, as
    I know they wanted the best for me. It (the grief) finally softened after 5-6 years. I still wish I could meet them for lunch or go somewhere fun together but I try to connect through a strong, favorite memory, one where we are all laughing & we were celebrating something together. I know one thing; “Love is forever.”

  121. NayDeen  April 5, 2020 at 10:57 am Reply

    I feel this way about my husband. I could always feel his energy, even when we weren’t together. He was hit by a car and I got to talk to him before surgery. After surgery he was in an induced coma. I could feel his energy there. I could feel it change when I touched him. After his first cardiac arrest the energy was gone. He lived a few more days but it never returned. I had two fleeting glimpses of him, one when waking up… of him sitting on my bed smiling at me (was it a dream or did he come to me?). One when I moved a mirror in the bathroom (was it a trick of the light?)
    I desperately want to feel his energy. I agree with you that we’re not all Jedi’s. I go to the mediums because they are the closest things to Jedi’s that I know. But you are right, at my saddest is when I feel him. When the memories we made come thru the loudest.

  122. luis newman  April 4, 2020 at 4:45 pm Reply

    Beautiful and perfect, im not a man of many words or extensive writing abilities, but this is exactly how i feel about my beautiful wife, we completed each other. in so many levels, i found that i was waiting to hear from her to find something that she only would know and show me that shes just on the other side waiting for me to reunite, she was amazing and unique, having a terrible childhood and everything bad that could happen to person all her life, we found each other and for the first time we both found peace true love, but it was to late for her, her body fell apart and passed away from years of abuse PTSD, TBI, BPD, And addictions and only after 13 months she pasted in my arms in our home at peace and in true love. no more pain. the only time i feel her is when im crushed in her memories. its been 6 months and i feel like it was yesterday i miss everything about her.

    • Andrew London  January 24, 2021 at 1:45 pm Reply

      I’m so sorry, Luis. I don’t know what else to say.

  123. Mitra  April 4, 2020 at 2:10 pm Reply

    I love this writing because I definitely relate to it and realize that what I’ve been experiencing silently and struggling with quietly is shared by someone else too. I find that if I really return to my memories of being with my mom and allow myself (at first very reluctantly) to acknowledge the good times not only see the pain and illness, then mom comes thru. I had the same close relationship with my mom that you describe with yours as I was an only child. Mom is there to smile at me, teach me, support me and I remember again how it felt to be loved by her again. As tears finally dry up as there are no more tears to be shed, sweet love and their strong memories are what’s left behind.
    Is there any writing that has helped you through your journey? I’d appreciate knowing what it is.

  124. Anne  April 3, 2020 at 7:52 pm Reply

    Beautifully expressed. I love how you describe finding/feeling your mother in the missing and the longing.
    That’s similar to how I feel about missing my husband. When I’m yearning the hardest for him is when I’m most in tune with the memories that bring ‘him’ close. Bitter/sweet is truly the only way I know to describe it.

    • Frankie  July 25, 2020 at 5:36 am Reply

      I feel for you so much. J am a mum to three daughters, age 13,13 and 14. I have been given a bad diagnosis. My heart is breaking all the time. I want my girls to get through. We have had the best relationship and the best times and it is not enough.

      • Andrew London  January 11, 2021 at 6:56 pm

        Dear Eleanor, your story moved me to tears because I know your pain, although my own is quite different.

        My story of loss goes back 38 years. I was a senior in high school and she was a junior. She was the most beautiful girl I had ever seen, and I fell madly in love with her. Yes, it truly was a love at first sight sort of thing.

        But I was a geeky nerdy stupid kid and didn’t have the courage to ask her out. Every time I was around her, I’d get all tongue tied and could hardly get one coherent word out.

        A varsity football star ended up asking her out. They went to the senior prom together. And on the way home, after leaving the prom, they were involved in a car accident and they both were killed.

        Since I didn’t go to the prom, I wasn’t aware of what had happened until the next day when the tragic news was announced over the intercom at school. Needless to say, I was devastated.

        Two weeks after her death, I graduated from high school. Her life ended, and mine had just begun, so to speak.

        I tried to go on with my life, but how could I? A huge part of me died with her. But who would believe that? She wasn’t my girlfriend. I’ve kept this pain to myself… till now.

        And yes, I have had to live with the fact that because I was too afraid to ask her out, she died. For I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that had she been with me that night, she’d still be alive today.

        Well, to make a long story short, even though we were not a couple, to this day I live my life as a widower. I visit her grave often, leaving candies and love letters, and I speak to her daily. I even compose piano pieces for her (on my SoundCloud there’s a piece titled, “Melissa’s Theme,” and her photo graces the song). But as you can imagine, as you’ve experienced, in all the long decades since her death, I haven’t felt her.

        Does she know how I feel? Can she feel or see or hear me? Has she been trying to make contact? I don’t know?

        There are nights when I light a candle and sit on my bed holding her photo, tears streaming down my face, trying so desperately to communicate with her, to tell her how much I love her and miss her… and how sorry I am for not having the courage to ask her to be mine all those years ago. But there’s never a response.

        Recently, I went out and bought a man’s wedding ring… I should’ve bought a complete set, man’s and woman’s, but I hadn’t the money… so I just bought my ring… and took it to her grave, and with an old, broken ink pen, I dug a little hole in her grave plot, over where I deemed her heart to be, and gave her my ring, burying it in her grave. I’ve asked her if it’s ok for me to be the husband that she never had? But again, no reply.

        My grief is unbearable. If I could go back in time and change things, I would. But how can I? What’s done is done?

        But as the years roll on, my sorrows grow. I’m growing old without her. My life is pointless without her. And in time, I fear that with the loss if my own mind in old age, I’ll forget the sound of her voice, the scent of her hair, if I haven’t already. I’ve already lost her 38 years ago, I don’t want to lose her memory as well.

        But more than all of that, I just wish she could know how I feel… how deeply I love her… how fervently I am sorry for not having the courage to be her one and only. Who would’ve thought by simply being her boyfriend I’d be savibg her life. If only I could’ve know! But how can we know what the future holds? I’m not psychic. I’m not nothing. I’m just an empty shell without her.

        I beg, hoping against hope, that she will respond to me… with a sign, or in a dream, anything… but I’m not good at reading subtle messages… But I continue trying… I will continue trying till I draw my last breath.

        Sorry this was so long.


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