If She'll Always Be With Me, Why Don't I Feel Her?

Understanding Grief / Understanding Grief : Eleanor Haley

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Written and shared with us by our grief-friend, Cara Jeanne. Sharing with all of you, because we have a feeling many of you will relate. 

“She’ll always be with you.”

“You’ll know she’s there.”

“She’ll never really leave.”

These are the very kind and infuriating things people have said to me over and over again since my mom died in 2012. I needed to believe that this would be true. That as she was dying in hospice, it would all be ok because I would always feel her presence; I would obviously receive messages from her. See, because if there was any mother-daughter combo who would certainly keep in touch once the veil had come between us, it would be my mom and me.

We were extraordinarily close. She was absolutely my best friend. We talked every day and we saw each other several times every week, scheduled and spontaneous time together. She was cheerful, hysterical, compassionate, easy-going, generous, and spiritual. Obviously, we would keep in touch just like everyone said we would.

My mom was all those things. Apparently, though, she was not a Jedi. So imagine my surprise when my mom’s body finally took its last breath and she did not immediately become one with the Force all around me.

I didn’t feel any pang of telepathic pain when she finally let go. I had spent every night in the hospice center with her for a week straight, and of course, the one night I went home to sleep in my bed instead of her chair, she died. I learned about it through a voicemail from my dad. I hadn’t even woken up when the phone rang. Maybe our spiritual connection was just experiencing a delay?

And then, who knows what happened those next few days. There was a memorial service. There was a slide show. There was a luncheon. There were people. And so many of those people told me not to worry because I would always feel her with me.

But I didn’t.

So I went to a psychic medium. Three times. Mom came through. Told me to look for yellow flowers and white moths. Told me to quit drinking diet soda. Told me that she was always with me in my thoughts and I needed to stop looking so hard for signs.

I went to different spiritual places, all different denominations. Maybe if I prayed for her, if I meditated on it, I’d feel her.

I put faith in talismans. I started wearing her wedding ring on a chain around my neck. I got two tattoos to get closer to her. I practiced playing her piano. Maybe if I had these pieces of her with me all the time, I’d feel her.

I saw yellow flowers everywhere. I saw white moths everywhere. I stopped drinking diet soda. I addressed the thoughts in my head to my mom. I prayed and meditated. I wore her ring. I ran my fingers over the outline of my grief tattoos. I played her favorite songs.

But I just couldn’t feel her. What I felt was defective. I certainly couldn’t admit to people that my mom had not “reached out” to me. Was our relationship not as close as I had thought? Was she ok? Was she trying to reach out to me and I couldn’t hear her? I kept it to myself and just doubled-down on my efforts. I got a third tattoo quickly followed by a fourth one: a large tattoo with two yellow flowers and a white moth.

While I love my grief tattoos and the story they tell, a story of a daughter who desperately wants to be as close to her mother as possible, I still don’t feel my mom.

As the years have passed by, I feel less shame about this. I’m not the only one, it turns out, who hasn’t been able to “feel” their loved one. It turns out, none of us is a Jedi. I miss her. I miss her in a way that I didn’t know was possible. I feel so far from her. And that’s when I feel her.

I feel her in the way I can’t feel her at all. It is my sadness, the bittersweet joy of knowing that I once had the perfect mom for me, it is my longing that lets me feel her.

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407 Comments on "If She'll Always Be With Me, Why Don't I Feel Her?"

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  1. julie  February 20, 2024 at 7:45 am Reply

    Thank you for this. Mom died on 8/8/23 and I am still waiting for a sign that she is with me. When dad died in 1991, I saw signs from him everywhere, every day. The signs were obvious, I did not have to lok for them.

    Not mom, I’m at the point where I don’t think she wants to communicate with me. I feel that she really did not like me. That I was a disappointment because I did not give her grandchildren or have a high paying job.

    I did have a hawk in the tree in her yard that I thought might be her . But all that hawk did was poop massive amounts and throw branches all over the place. Maybe it was mom thinking she was funny. She was like that.

    There was also a woodpecker pecking on the house. Ess it her? I told it to go away. did I tell mom to go away?

    What about reincarnation? Has she been reborn, is that why she’s ignoring me? I dreamed of her once pushing a bassinet around, I tried to talk to her but she ignored me. A few weeks later my nephews wife Announced her pregnancy. Is mom the baby?

    I am so confused and depressed.

  2. Jennifer  January 19, 2024 at 8:57 am Reply

    Hi, I lost my Mom 11/2023 my mother and I lost my Sister in 2009 and my mother would always tell me she would receive signs or feel my sister. I would get sad and ask why can’t I see the signs or feel my sister? The answer was quite simple. I talk to my sister throughout the day (mostly in my head) and I’ve always kept her memory alive with my 10 year old daughter. I asked my sister to send me ladybugs and butterflies we get them all the time even in December after my mother passed. My mother told me to talk to my sister from driving to laying in bed even as I write this! Because I’ve been doing this since 2009 you think I’d be a pro when it comes to my mom. I think I’m still in the beginning stages of grief so it still hurts to think about my mom or look at pictures. But an hour ago I took her Cain my sister bought for her in 2008 and I put it on the passenger side of my car next to the shifter just as if she was driving and would put it. I put my hand exactly where her had would go and the amount of love I felt and butterflies in my stomach was unreal! Never have I ever felt something so powerful.
    If you are having trouble feeling a loved one please stop thinking about that start having conversations with them in your head or out loud or when something happens and you instantly think of them know that is a way they are with you as well! When something seems impossible and the impossible happens know that is them once you start doing small things like this the signs will flow in like crazy also stop looking for them but instead be open to receiving them.
    You also have to be at peace with their passing away that I believe is the number one thing. You can’t have any negative feelings about the past or their passing.

  3. Ro  December 25, 2023 at 6:58 pm Reply

    I cared for my dad for many years, he had dementia and I lost him a few months ago. I have always been a bit clairaudient, and I’ve done deep meditation for many years. I had been wondering why I hadn’t heard from dad since he passed, because I’ve had several ghost experiences in my life so I do believe that death is not “the end.” A few weeks after he died, I was meditating when out of the blue I heard a quiet voice say, “You’re not the priority right now.” I assumed it was my dad, and I felt hurt and offended by this communication. I had made him my priority for years, and I am clearly in deep pain, sobbing every day over the loss of him….So why wouldn’t reaching out to me to offer solace be his top priority?

    But I believe he is exactly where he should be, recovering and becoming whole again on a soul level after a mind-shattering bout with Alzheimer’s. I appreciate this message from him even if it wasn’t what I was expecting. I believe our loved ones are still “alive,” but communication is not so easy and their shifted realities enable them to see things in a different light – the big picture. They are receiving the care they need which will restore them to wholeness after the trauma of earth life and physical death…which is a good thing.

  4. Dawn S  September 4, 2023 at 6:16 pm Reply

    My mom passed away in 2007 due to Dr error. I’ve never, if very rarely, dream about her. This Saturday my 24 year old daughter moved in with her 1st ever bf after only 3 months of dating. Against my wishes. I thought I raised her to do the right thing. I’m obviously old fashioned. I’m 60 years old. Now, since Friday my mom has been in my dreams every time I fall asleep. She doesn’t say anything just stands there. Is she telling my she’s disappointed in me?

  5. Kathy  September 1, 2023 at 9:02 pm Reply

    I lost my mother in early 2022. We were very close and did a lot together. I haven’t felt her presence since she died, but I like to imagine that she/her spirit is doing interesting things in the after life and is busy catching up with all the family and friends who died before she did. I still anticipate some communication from her, but for now I have been okay with how things are. Maybe it helps that I am in my 60’s and she passed away at age 90. I took care of her in the last year of her life as she declined. I am glad that I was able to do that and that she passed away at home on hospice.

    • Alvin  December 30, 2023 at 11:48 am Reply

      I too lost my Mother in early 2022. She is and was the love of my life. Like you, we were very close. I thought such happy times would always be there, and that my mother would never be gone. But, as mum entered her 90’s she began to tire more often when I took her shopping. I think she recognized her own mortality and frailty, but I never did.

      When mum became very ill, the doctors at the hospital said she needed to be put into hospice, but during a visit, mum asked me if she could come home with me. The doctors gave my mother just one week to live. I told the doctors I would look after her 24/7 if they would let me and I am grateful they did. I cared for my mother at home like a precious diamond. On coming home my mother showed a seeming remarkable recovery and lived for three months. Up until 1am, my darling mother was conversing lucidly with me and discussing her breathing difficulty. Then I went to get some sleep. I still regret going to bed, because my brother woke me at 5 am to say our darling mum had passed. I feel like I let down the love of my life by not being with her at her bedside. I will live with that.

      When the funeral directors arrived to take her and place her body in their van, I was so upset, I went back into her room to tell her they were taking her away from the home she loved and how much my brother and I would miss her. This is when something very strange occurred. I started getting an overwhelming scent of the most beautiful floral fragrance i’ve ever experienced. It was not mild, but as strong as one could get. I immediately searched around her room to locate the source of such fragrance, but could find none. Confused, I went back to the front of house and told my brother what I experienced. His first words were ‘ Mum was thanking you for the love and caring you gave her..’ He added ‘mum always loved flowers and especially roses’

      I do not know what to make of this occurrence, since neither my brother nor myself have
      given any thought to supernatural or occult thinking, or even were aware of a loved one being able to communicate in this manner after passing. Later, for a period of about three months after mum passed, both of us began getting scent of perfume or balm at different times that lasted for only a minute or two and dissipated. Then it simply stopped.

      To this day I remain completely puzzled. I believe this aspect should be researched and documented as it may lead to some answers between the living and those who pass, especially if there existed a true closeness in life.

  6. Luz  August 29, 2023 at 10:59 am Reply

    Thank you so much for writing this. I felt absolutely understood.
    While I am an espiritual person and felt that mom contacted me as soon as she passed, it’s been 2 months now, and I don’t feel her or receive signs anymore.
    I wear some of her clothes and started to wear her rings. I even drive her car. But nothing.
    I miss her so f***ing much.
    Thank you, and I send you a big hug.

  7. Jen  August 19, 2023 at 11:54 pm Reply

    This is exactly me right now. I lost my mother and best friend a few months back and it still feels like yesterday. She promised to haunt me, and I clung to that…but nothing. I still can’t quite believe it…

  8. Mandi  May 18, 2023 at 6:18 pm Reply

    This marks year 20 since I lost my mom (and 11 since I lost my dad). I was heartbroken this past mother’s day because I let my grief consume me, something I rarely do. I remember talking to my mom and her promising she will visit me… I’m still waiting. All this time. It definitely hurts, and I’ve questioned, if she loved me as much as she said she did because surely she would find a way.

    The pain, never goes away. She was 41 when she died and I will be 41 this Saturday.

    • richard hassell  June 5, 2023 at 6:42 am Reply

      Hi Mandi you don’t see your mother but i promise you she is there looking after you. I never felt that with my parents either but my wife just past back in march after 45 years and i swear she’s with me so is my parents and her parents. Don’t stop talking to her believe me she is there for you.

  9. rolex air-king silver black  March 14, 2023 at 11:20 am Reply

    May I just say what a comfort to find somebody that actually understands what they’re talking about on the internet. You definitely know how to bring an issue to light and make it important. More people need to read this and understand this side of the story. I was surprised you aren’t more popular given that you most certainly have the gift.|

  10. Ceri Picton  February 8, 2023 at 5:25 pm Reply

    Everything you’ve said I feel this, my mum died 2 years ago, we believed in angles, white feathers, butterflies, lots of things , I’ve come to a point now where I’ve stopped searching for signs , now I’m feeling things, a connection of sorts and it gives me comfort in my heart and soul, I had a grief tattoo on my wrist, feeling it and seeing it daily makes me proud to have a mum like I did , life goes on differently , and my mum will always live within me and my heart

  11. Ann  January 29, 2023 at 12:07 am Reply

    I lost my mom in October, I felt her a couple of times but not for a while. We lived together for 4 years and I can’t grasp that she is gone

    • Tiffany  May 21, 2023 at 2:05 pm Reply

      After a horrible nights, dream, where my deceased mom was alive, only to be murdered, I was desperately searching to find what the meaning of this could be. I have never woke up with worse, anxiety or pain since the day after she died. I lost my mom in October 2022. Next week it will be six months. I can’t believe I made it six months let alone a week without her. She had me at 15, we were best friends, codependent, most didn’t understand our relationship, and I’m sure some thought our closeness was unhealthy. I continue to tell people exactly what you said. I don’t feel her at all. I try I pray , I asked for her to send me signs, and nothing. How could this be? How could we be so close yet she wouldn’t wanna give me a sign that she’s with me? I miss her more than words can ever describe, and there is a gaping hole in my heart. so many do not know the right thing to say. Only those who have felt the pain of losing a mother understand. I know I am not the only person who has lost a mother. But for some reason I feel stuck, it seems like others, although difficult or having more success at moving on. I know I am not OK. I’ve tried to find grief therapist. No one takes insurance. I’ve tried meditation, reading books, I just feel so lost without my mom.

      • Shawna  August 18, 2023 at 9:17 pm

        Hi Tiffany – I’m so sorry for your tremendous loss. Losing a mom is devastating. Grief is a universal experience, but also very personal. Try not to compare yourself to others and how you perceive them to be handling their loss — as they say, just because someone can carry the load, doesn’t mean it isn’t heavy. I don’t know where you live, but many cities offer free grief support groups through hospice or other nonprofits. It can be an affordable option and a powerful experience to process this with others who have shared experiences. Sending you strength 💜

  12. Jennifer  January 19, 2023 at 8:18 pm Reply

    What do you mean you feel her when you don’t?? That makes no sense . My very best friend in the world passed away suddenly 2 weeks ago. I was with him Tuesday night, he sent me a text Wednesday morning, I tried to answer his text and never got a message I rushed home to his house after work Wednesday night and was told that he had had an accident and was on life support. The next morning I got a call from his sister. She said that his family decided to take him off of life support because they were told he was brain dead. I never got to say goodbye!! I’ve been searching the web researching ways that I can talk to him because I have so much to say!;
    I was told I would feel my friend. I was told to talk to him that he will hear me & reach out to me . I was told that he will always be watching me
    For a little over 2 weeks straight I’ve been texting his phone and sending him Facebook messages every single day because I think maybe there’s a chance that he might not really be dead
    I know that sounds crazy but I keep thinking maybe he had to go somewhere or do something and couldn’t let me know maybe something happened and he’s having to hide out for some reason!! I don’t know!! Hearing myself say this out loud sounds insane. It’s just I haven’t seen a body. I didn’t get to go to the hospital, there was nobody at his funeral. His family said that they didn’t have his body back yet because he donated his organs. I’ve seen no proof that he’s dead except for the fact that he’s not here. He left me!! There has to be some way to talk to him you cannot tell me there’s not. I need to be able to talk to him. I need him! I love him. Please help me. There has to be something more.

    • Litsa  January 20, 2023 at 7:53 am Reply

      I am so incredibly sorry for the death of your friend. Our brains to many things that feel ‘insane’ searching for any possible option other than the thing we’re feeling so desperate to change. When people say things like they feel someone, even when they don’t, it often means that they have changed what they are looking for. Often we are seeking some sort of obviously, explicit sign – something that is unmistakably a ‘sign’ from the person or a way to know they can hear. Many times a shift happens when people stop looking externally for those signs and instead decide to seek those things internally – going to a place they always went together or that reminds them of the person and, instead of waiting for something external, connected with their memory and connection to that person internally and saying the things they want to say. Then thoughtfully and consciously deciding how they will continue that persons legacy and how they will keep talking with them and remembering them, creating that within themselves. This can be a slow process and working with a good grief counselor can really help. If you call you local hospice or hospital, they can often connect you with grief counselor or groups in your area.

  13. Gyfted Jones  December 29, 2022 at 2:06 am Reply

    This is one of the hardest things that I’ve ever had to do. 7 years ago December 15th 2015 my mother was taken away by cancer of the liver. 58 years Young bunch of life left to live for the day she found out that she has stage 3 liver cancer was the beginning of a quick end. Less than 2 weeks after finding out Lord came down and took my mother away I knew the time was coming close because in the hospice where I sat by her side she would start telling me that she seen my grandmother my grandfather my best friend and a whole bunch of other people that I knew had passed away. That was when I know that time was coming data 15 started off like no other except I had given my at the time fiance my bus pass to go to an interview. She told me that it was only going to take a few hours she’ll be back by such and such time well that time came with an hours past that as I see her finally stepping foot off of the bus my phone be getting ringing it was hospice letting me know my mother had passed away at 4:30 I was supposed to been there. My mom was my best friend told me how it was and how she felt I needed it to be she told me the real no matter how hard it was but she also told me and gave me many different ways to look at this or any situation right or wrong she was there for me she told me when I was wrong and got on my case and let me know and I was doing right she didn’t pull no punches with neither me or my other three siblings. I don’t know what the grieving process is supposed to feel like but I know I have a lot of anger a lot of rage confusion frustration I don’t know how it’s supposed to go. But I know something is wrong because after 7 years I understand I should still miss my mother yes but I should not be this angry this upset this confused this depressed. I didn’t know how to handle losing my mother so I did the one thing that I knew not to do, turned to illegal drugs, which almost killed me in April 2020 woke up in the hospital after 8 days been in a coma for an overdose. I don’t know what I was thinking I just wanted to somehow get rid of that feeling of anger rage on an order frustration confusion to be gone there’s nothing made sense so I thought that that would take it away but all that did was made it worse because at the end was still there the pain which I still go through still have that same feeling today complete pissed offness mad at the world. I don’t know how to rip myself of this feeling I don’t know if this is my way of mourning cuz I don’t know how to mourn I don’t know how to grieve I don’t know anymore like everything just runs together and nothing makes sense I’ve made no progression since that time and I feel less and less in control I don’t feel like I’m going to do anything stupid to myself or anyone else I just feel lost with no direction no understanding nothing makes sense and most days I just go through the motions of a thing called Life I just want to feel some type of normality once again if that’s even possible. I too thought I would feel and stay connected with my mom even after she passed I knew she would always be with me I don’t feel anything I don’t hear her I have visions in my head but it’s not the same. All I would do all I would give just to have my mother right there next to me once again able to reach out give her a hug hear her words of encouragement for all that is just fading memories. I can’t help but to feel that I let my mom down somewhere and that crushes me I don’t know how to move forward I’m stuck I’m stagnated like an old pond drying up. Where do I go from here that’s the main question I literally chased everyone and anyone close to me way my family won’t even talk to me and that’s just more and more frustrating than anything. Well thank you very much for giving me the chance to lift a little bit off of my shoulders thank you and God bless. For anyone who has made a comment on this form or just her reading just know that for each and every one of us were still here for a reason the Lord isn’t finished with us he still has a plan we just have to make sense of it that’s the hard part but it’s not impossible! Peace and blessings into this New Year we’re about to walk into, I pray that this new year it’s going to be better than the year we’re walking out of.

    • Krissy Mason  March 21, 2023 at 7:49 pm Reply

      My mom passed away in October 2022 , very unexpectedly. She lived with me, my fiance & 2 kids , which we’re her Grandkids. That she ADORED and bragged about and LOVED dearly and was extremely close with . My Mom was 1 of a kind . She made our lives worth living and to have something to look forward to each and everyday. She was the funniest & made you laugh even when she wasn’t even trying . We all miss that so so so much! I’m lost without her
      I feel a complete empitness ,A Hole in my heart , I feel stuck & frozen without no thought , no motivation , hopelessness , and worthless , Ill never be the same , Ever!!! What had happened to her was She was having difficulty breathing one night , she had sciorosis. She like kind of went unconscious, I thought she was maybe having a seizure , because she had a few in the past , but it wasn’t . We called the ambulance , me & my fiance were talking to her , letting her know she was going to be okay , that there on there way , I felt so damn helpless , I was holding her up in my arms & heard her make a few noises & I was telling her , Mom you will be alright , it’s okay , I’m here , and when the ambulance tried to save her , & she was taking to the hospital around the corner from our home , where they still kept trying to bring her back because they kept getting a faint heartbeat , I then realized when I was holding her in my arms , that those noises I heard her make , were her last breath. She died in my arms and I cry Everyday , thinking & wishing that I ” shoulda ” woulda ” coulda ” , but thats not good enough because she’s not here. But exactly how you explain what your dealing with & how you felt & still feel now and everything in between , drugs , is 100% Me also. I did & felt & thought all that. Im scared to seek help , beacaue I don’t know how to start off or where to begin. Idk what I’d start off saying is right or wrong, I have so much to talk about & get off my chest. I’m so hurt inside & feel so alone , literally , I would never wish this feeling on anyone. I feel I have a big dark concrete wall blocking me completely from getting help & asking things to make me get back to being somewhat normal & see a little clearer. And to try and make me understand A LOT of things that I’m very unsure about. But I 100% understand your thoughts and feelings completely and there nothing wrong with any of it. Being around people that really care & love us , & having the support & most definitely speaking to a professional , because that what I’m pushing myself do this week , I think will get us started on the right track. A fresh start in someway , accepting our moms loss and how to go about it. To not feel all these negative thoughts and feelings , because nothing is wrong with the way you or I feel , or anyone. It says Everyone Grieves in there own type of way. There IS NO WRONG OR RIGHT WAY!!! We just need to talk to someone that could possibly help , and go go from there . I want to say from me to you , I’m genuinely so sorry for your loss and I know exactly how you feel. 🙏🙏💔💞 I WISH YOU THE BEST OF LUCK!! AND GOD BLESS YOU💞🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏 TAKE ONE DAY AT A TIME!!🤞

  14. J  December 27, 2022 at 9:11 am Reply

    This me me sad because I spent a lifetime wishing I could have a mother who loved me. I went through more moms than a single person should ever go through. My own neglected me as a baby, leaving me in my own waste, in the dark, for the first three years of my life until she died mysteriously from a freak heart attack.. The second one beat me, emotionally abused me, sent me to conversion camps then disowned me from the family, sending me off to live in care of the state at the age of 9, for the next 7 years, it was just being raised by staff, some who were sadistic with their power. Finally, another foster parent who both physically and emotionally abused me. I kept them in my life until I was 34 but as their minds started to go, the abuse turned into hostage taking, police involvement and all, and insults that were so traumatizing I would leave my body and wake up in the act of suicide. I cut them off because I had no other choice. Talking to them was getting me nowhere. The people who brutally abused me will grow old and die believing they were good people who did nothing wrong. If there is an afterlife, I hope they are made to feel everything they put me through. I stopped reaching out to any spiritual people because all they do is victim blame or gaslight me. I am very familiar with covert abuse tactics. They have pulled out all the stops. The only person I will miss is my partner. I don’t make enough to survive without him. I’m not in a hurry to know what is like to not wish someone was dead so they stop hurting me but he will be the first I will actually miss – the first who I will want to cry when he’s gone. I probably won’t be able to cry. My disability took that away from me. It took all of my emotions away from me. It took my personality, my hobbies, my ability to enjoy anything and even with years of treatment, I have continued to decline. I am no longer a good person. I have no soul. That sweet musician is dead. I made plans to kill myself after he’s gone. It’s okay. I’ve had a long time to think about it. No one will miss me because no one currently knows whether I’m dead or alive right now, but him, nor do they, nor have they cared for decades. I’m near-elderly, disabled and, frankly, no longer give any fks when someone tells me they will miss me. Maybe they deserve to grieve for wishing me to continue to suffer with an incurable disease that denies me the ability to enjoy anything. What is life if everything is cardboard? Btw, what I’m dealing with is brain damage.

    If I find that I’m still “existing” in some form, the first thing I’m going to do is demand to speak to life’s manager and say: “FU”, then I’m going to find a way to have whatever is left of me obliterated. Some people say the soul can’t die but I’ll think of something.

    I don’t want any more flowery, unsolicited advice from privileged people or anyone, for that matter. Just listen and accept this is the way things are for me and the way I’m going to be. I have. Maybe it makes me a bad person. Maybe I learned nothing. Maybe a lifetime of suffering taught me nothing and just destroyed a perfectly kind person who used to be filled with so much love. Sometimes, there are no happy endings. That’s just harsh reality. And I have a choice and a right to decide when I’m done with it.

    I leave with no love nor light left in my dried-up, stone cold heart and the only “lessons” being those which pushed me further into fear, trauma and distrust.

    I no longer care enough about myself to even try. I despise myself. You can’t find self love if you don’t even know what it looks like. I’m never coming back. Fk this whole world.

    • Litsa  January 1, 2023 at 7:47 am Reply

      J – I am so incredibly sorry for what you have gone through. Brain injuries can be so devastating and it sounds like you survived so many deep losses of mother-figures. It can be so frustrating for people to offer advice when they don’t know your experience, loss, or pain. There is a concept known as “chronic sorrow” in grief which is basically about grieving ourselves – the person that we used to be who is gone (or at least lost). Though there are many reasons this can happen, chronic illness and injury is one of the most common. Part of what makes it so hard is the loss is ongoing and there can be this feeling of wondering if it will change or could change. Though all losses and grief stays with us, when someone dies that loss itself is finite – we know we can’t change it, no matter how much we wish we could. Chrnoic sorrow is different from this grief in that it persists over time and it can feel like it is over and over being retriggered by new life events or situations that remind you of how much has been lost or how it feels like things could have been or should have been. It often comes with the feelings hopelessness, helplessness, and isolation that you describe. I’m sure I’m not explaining anything that you don’t already know. But I am sharing it because I believe sometimes it is nice to know there is a name for what you are experiencing – that others feel it so deeply too and that it has been studied with people trying to find ways to help people (and themselves) survive this type of grief. There are therapists who specialize in this type of work and it could be helpful to look for someone with experience in that area. Unfortunately, many therapists say the have experience working in grief, but they may not have advanced training in these specific types of incredibly difficult grief and loss. Having thoughts of suicide in situations like yours, when it feels like there is no path forward to a life of meaning, value, or self-love. It can be so hard to find that self-love when there has been loss and trauma. Though I know you are struggling to see the path to self-love, it sounds like you have a partner who loves you and who you love. Sometimes we have to hold on to that, seeing ourselves through their eyes and love when we can’t find it ourselves. You are right that no one can decide what you choose to do with your life – now and in the future. But I will tell you what I tell everyone who just wants to never come back – talk to someone who truly specializes in working with people who are dealing with the kind of losses and trauma that you are. It might not change anything in how you feel, but also it might – and I believe everyone deserves the chance to see before they decide what happens next. Especially because has changed things for others who have felt exactly what you have felt. Getting that professional support is so hard when you don’t feel self-love or self-care, because getting that specialized support means feeling that you deserve it and it is worth that effort. I imagine those who say they would miss you don’t say so because they want you to continue suffering, but because they also believe you deserve a life that feels manageable. One that will always have suffering, but a suffering you’ve found ways to carry and manage so other things can exist alongside it. Please call 988 if you are thinking of hurting yourself – they can help connect your with resources in your community. But in general, consider seeking a therapist with expertise in chronic sorrow, non-finite grief, brain injury and trauma if you have not already. If you need help locating someone, please let us know and we can try to assist.

  15. Bailey  December 20, 2022 at 9:27 pm Reply

    I lost my lover 8.6.22 and I miss him dearly. I haven’t been able to feel him. One day I said please I need to feel, hear, see something and I went to store later that night and the man at the register said I know you I said I don’t think so what’s your name he said James that’s my love’s name. I said when is your bday he said Sept. 9th I said you a Virgo her said yes. My love bday was 9.13. I said ok ok this myst be my sign. He was a funeral director and owned his own funeral home. I met him because he buried my cousin in 2019, her bday was 8.6 that date he was murdered. I thought what is going on why this date. I’m still in shock and can’t overstand why. We only knew eachother for a short 2 years but had so many juice experiences. Death is so final I just want to touch him speak to him! What is this death. I’ve since been studying reading bout death etc. I’m aware that we all must make the exit feom this stage called life…it was just so sudden, unexpected. 😪

  16. Claire K.  December 19, 2022 at 4:16 pm Reply

    I miss my Mom so bad. I cannot wrap my heart around the fact that she is truly gone, and it feels as though I am waiting for her to show up again out of the blue one day. No one in this life could ever be as wonderful of a friend to me as she is. She always said she would be with me, and I know that she is present in the Love I feel. But I wish I could take that love and shape it into her. When I die, I will be eager to be with her again, in whatever form or lack thereof that may be.

  17. Jack b  December 19, 2022 at 1:29 pm Reply

    I lost my fiancé last month and its hard not to want to join her on the other side. I don’t have anyone around or any support so without my connection to her what else is there?

    How can I feel her and know that she’s still with me somehow?

    • Litsa  December 22, 2022 at 12:06 pm Reply

      Jack – I am so sorry for your loss. It is so common to feel like there is nothing to stay here for, but please know that with support and time that feeling can change and people are glad they stayed. It can take time to rebuild connection and support, but that is what grief counseling and grief support groups are for as you rebuild. You can always call 988 if you are feeling hopeless or thinking of hurting yourself and they can help connect you with support in your area. In terms of how you can feel her, often it is finding ways to create your own bond with her and there are many ways you can do this. This article may be a good place to start – https://whatsyourgrief.com/grief-concept-care-continuing-bonds/

    • Julie  March 29, 2023 at 10:55 pm Reply

      Hi Jack, I’m in the same boat as you I lost my Fiance March 19th 2023 he was the love I’ve been searching for my entire 48 years of life. I hope things have gotten a little easier for you as time had passed. I find myself talking to him every day in the Truck, in bed, in my mind constantly. I have the last shirt he wore wrapped around my pillow so I can smell him, I kiss it every night and tell him how much I love him. Please reach out anytime to talk.

  18. Jason  December 16, 2022 at 5:04 pm Reply

    I lost my beautiful boy to cancer at age 13. I was a single dad who put everything into giving him the best life, best care and as much love and joy as possible. It’s been about 3 years now and Ive seen a lot of what I would like to call signs from my Jesse. My dad died a few years before my son and shortly after a beautiful red cardinal moved into our yard. Now we have 2 beautiful red cardinals that live in our yard and they often play together. We all see it and embrace it. My sons birthday was on July 27th. We see this number everywhere. I have had some amazing experiences with wildlife in the past few years where animals come to me it’s like they trust me it’s a magnificent experience when it happens. I can’t help to think that somehow my kind Jesse is behind this. Finally I’ve had Covid, colds and when I’m down and out in bed I feel something jump up on the bed and snuggle in beside me. I expect to see the dog maybe the cat but nothing there. I know who it will is. I also grieve every single day and it’s been hard without the love of my life. I would highly recommend spending some quiet time with nature. Open up all your senses and believe. Sending love to you all!

  19. Shalise  December 11, 2022 at 2:27 pm Reply

    This is exactly what I needed to read right now. Thank you.

  20. Julie  December 1, 2022 at 9:21 am Reply

    Thank you for sharing, I needed to read this, am so grateful because you have really helped.

  21. Guy Moreau  November 16, 2022 at 4:20 am Reply

    It’s because you possibly don’t know ..how to feel her. And you also may have had signs you ..don’t consider signs. And feeling her may take a certain skill also. It’s a very different dimension, don’t forget.

  22. Taenaya  November 2, 2022 at 3:09 pm Reply

    Thank you for writing this article. I lost my mom to COVID in 2021. I was extremely close to her. I felt like i was the only one feeling this way until i read your article. She is gone and Im not sure my heart will recover. I miss her terribly everyday and pray for a dream or some kind of sign. I had a faint dream of her but her soul seems lost to me. Songs she loved will come on and i smile. Thank you for allowing me to see that there are others who are in the same place as myself.

  23. Kiera  October 10, 2022 at 6:49 am Reply

    On June 3, 2022, my mom had passed away due to a rare type of melanoma. I am the youngest of 4 other siblings and I hadn’t spent a quarter of my life with her.
    I feel quite lost and sad that I don’t have a mom & I haven’t faced all of life’s toughest battles which I know I’d need her for. Her & I were quite close and I stayed with her everyday for a month in this hospice. We had made a pact that she would visit me when she passed & would show me signs that she is with me. I’ve never felt to empty and alone like this before. After she had passed, I had heard her voice in my ear telling me that she loves me and everything will be ok. I know it’s only been a few months since the passing but that has been the only sign I have gotten from her. I often wish that I could just drop “life” & just go be with her but I know that’s not the right thing to do. I haven’t been able to grieve properly as I can’t take time off work, so I’ve just been trying to black everything out, but I spend more of my time sad than happy. I relied on my mom a lot, selfishly I guess you could say as my mom would help me navigate through life & guide me on the right path.. now I just feel so lost. During the time of her passing, and her being sick, it was a spiritual journey & I told her I’d be by her side which I was, but now I just wish she was by my side. I know it’s an uncontrollable situation but it’s so difficult not having a mom.

  24. Brittany  October 3, 2022 at 11:20 pm Reply

    My mom died on February 13, 2021. She was my favorite person in the world, my best friend, my reason for living. She had stage 4 colorectal cancer (terminal) and I was her caretaker as her health declined. After she died I completely withdrew and isolated myself and became very agoraphobic. None of my friends or family were nearby, they all lived 2+ hours away. I wasn’t working and spent the following 18 months by myself (well, I had my 3 cats) doing nothing productive in my apartment, the same one my mother passed away in. On a daily basis I cried and begged for her, for a sign that she was on the other side watching over me, every bird that landed on the balcony I convinced myself was her (she loved birds), every butterfly I saw I’d say “hi Mom!”, and I told myself that every nice person I came across when I *did* leave the apartment was somehow from her to help cheer me up. But I could never really believe it, I never felt her presence anywhere in the apartment or outside of it. I would lay in her bed hoping to feel the mattress sink, as if her spirit was sitting next to me, or I’d hope to catch a whiff of the menthol cigarettes she smoked, or the coffee I would make her. I would peer into her bedroom hoping to hear a faint, “Britt?” or anything. Just anything. My dreams, when I did remember them, never involved her in any capacity. I’d be in tears on the floor begging for a sign. Prayers went unanswered. My therapists would say all the same jack to me, she’s always with you blah blah she never really left yadda yadda blah blah blah. It boiled my blood then and it still does to this day. I’m 27 years old and lay in bed, sobbing and clutching a stuffed animal, begging for my dead mother. Why can’t I feel her? Am I somehow blocking it because my grief has blinded me? Or was it all a bunch of feel-good spiritual baloney in the first place? All I wanted, and all I needed, is just one sign. I’ve begged God. I’ve pleaded and cried and screamed and remain unheard.

    • Litsa  February 7, 2023 at 2:45 pm Reply

      Amy, I am so sorry for what you are feeling. It can be so hard when seeking a sign and not finding it. I can only speak from my own experience with my dad’s death. I was never a person who believed in signs, so I never looked for them. But I was always looking for ways to feel close to my dad. So I always started making a deliberate effort to notice the things in the world that were things my dad loved. He loved coconut cake, so whenever I am somewhere and see coconut cake I have a slice. I make a point to mention him to people if they are reading a book he liked or if they use an expression he used. When I travel places I know he wanted to travel I always take time to pause and feel close or connected to him. When I wish I could hear his advice, I sit and remember him and imagine what advice he might have given me. My dad has been gone for more than 20 years now, but through things like this I feel incredibly close to him. Sometimes the best things we can do when we feel hopeless is determine what are the things we can control. You cannot control ‘signs’ in the way you have been seeking them. But you can seek those moments of closeness that can be a source of incredible comfort.

  25. Sharon  October 1, 2022 at 11:12 pm Reply

    I was told the same thing. We were so close that I knew it would happen. I knew I’d feel her spirit near me. She will be gone a year this coming Monday and it hasn’t happened. She is just GONE! Now some say it will happen but it can’t now because I’m still in so much pain. Excuse me if I don’t believe you!
    It’s absolutely horrible.

  26. Demelza  September 17, 2022 at 5:07 pm Reply

    My mum passed on the 15th I too feel as if she is truly gone. No signs nothing. She had said previously she didn’t want to “come back to earth” and I feel she followed thru with this. I remember feeling my grandfather when he passed, yet my mother, nothing. I’m so gutted because all I wanted was one signs that she was with me. I’m so heartbroken she left.

    • Patricia Cole  October 27, 2022 at 11:13 am Reply

      Hi Demelza,
      Thank you so much for your response. I would like to start by saying I am sorry for the recent loss of your mother and I am glad you have found our page for support. The loss of a parent can weigh heavy on loved ones and we want you to know you are not alone. As someone who has also lost their mother, I have found myself looking for signs she is still around. In times of need I often incorporate her into my life through her favorite recipes, songs and daily practices she enjoyed. It is a sign of remembrance to myself and a way to feel close to her. Maybe you have similar activities or items that remind you of your mother that can be incorporated into your daily life in order to feel a sense of connection. We have also included a list of resources on our web page of ways to feel close to loved ones after their passing. Take care.
      More Than Just a Teapot: The Items That Connect Past and Present
      Grief Recipe Stories: Orange Scones


  27. Chris Wilson  September 6, 2022 at 3:42 am Reply

    I lost my mother and bedt friend on 2/22/22 at 6:48a. I have waiting to hear from you. Each Saturday I sit at your grave site just to be closer to you. I still find myself following our normal routine. Then I remember that you’re gone. I miss you dearly. I cry when I’m alone. I’ve thought of reaching out to a medium but my family has begged me not to. They say it is going too far.I just need to know that you are okay and made it over safely.

  28. Lori Cristine  September 2, 2022 at 9:55 pm Reply

    The same thing happened when my mom died. Then my daughter died at age 19. I definitely felt her, but it wasn’t how I expected. What I learned is that the easiest way, especially if you were close ,is telepathically. I wrote a podcast on dealing with death of a loved one called Modern Life-Keeping with Lori Cristine. If you don’t do podcasts it is on youtube under Keara Kisses. I offer support groups also. If people want from here want to have a group, I will happily facilitate and put it together at no charge. I am also a medium and communicate with loved ones all the time. Do you want to put something together, I have a zoom account. We can talk about it and I will share what I know and who knows – maybe some messages from loved ones! My website is kearakisses.com if you want to check it out, but I am offering this for free. My podcast is also free. Sending everyone on here lots of love!

    • Cat  September 30, 2022 at 3:30 am Reply

      When my mum passed in 1/7/2018 I woke up with ergancey that I had to get to her, mum was in a hospice. Then all of a sudden I stopped getting dressed and sat kn the side of the bed and then phone rang. My husband answered the phone and I knew the calk was from my dad saying my mum had died, and I was rite. I then got ready and still got the taxi to my mum .

      Wen seeing my mum lifeless body I couldn’t belive she had gone , I didntbwant to belive it. I never had the need to approach myself because I knew I was a loving daughter , and my mum was my world and it felt okay. The next day walking to church to organise the funeral I could feel and see my mum walking beside me , I could hear her talking to me so I knew shoe was there. But then it stopped after the funeral.she had gone imcouldnt feel her and I was so sad because I was pregnant. Then my son broke his leg and everyone was frustrated,angry,annoyed with each other because of the stress. But after praying to God and universe I could feel my prayers beign answered. Then my mum came to me in my dream tell me she is here, I woke and I knew she was there. Now I belive they are there and in times of need , its looking for signs that can’t be possible like wen my father inlaw passed and we were sorting out his flat my mums funeral service card popped out of no where face up and I knew she met him on the other side , ut don’t go searching for them I know but it’s true because your so focused of finding them you miss there signs.

  29. Margaret  August 25, 2022 at 4:56 pm Reply

    My mum passed 5 months ago, 21/4/22 she died less than h an a month before her 89th birthday. Married to dad for 69 years.
    I cry nearly everyday. I am the only daughter of 4 kids and the youngest of my siblings.
    I thought I was the closest to her but I am the only one that hasn’t felt her presence.

    My dad has seen her, she walked from the kitchen, (wearing the new pj’s he bought her whilst in respite, but she never had them at home.) She looked at him and then vanished.
    Since her passing I’ve had a dream, or should I say a nightmare,( just yesterday) morning that has unsettled me and scared my partner.
    Im sure it was mums arm coming under the covers over the top of my left arm, ( it was cold and smoke like), and I heard what I believe was an evil voice ( in my right ear), I screamed and kicked and cried, was it mum?, I felt it was but why, if it was her, why was it evil, did she not really love me?

    Dad says mum made him promise to look after me and my brother, (one up from me and his young family, ( they’ve all seem her, in a positive way). Why haven’t I felt the love?
    Im sick with so many aliments and feel very alone. I don’t know if I want this life or can carry on with out her, she was my rock, my confidante, my friend. But, why has mum not shown me anything. I know my grief is strong but again I wish she gave me a sign., in a nice way not maybe in my nightmare.


  30. Melissa  August 8, 2022 at 11:21 pm Reply

    I lost my beautiful 33 year old daughter unexpectedly 4 weeks ago 😢. There is no pain in this world like this…. empty, hollow, gutted, loneliness and extreme sadness is what I feel daily. The world just moves on and I can’t.
    My heart goes out to all of you who’ve lost a loved one.

    • Guy Moreau  November 16, 2022 at 4:37 am Reply

      August 8… 8 is the sign of eternity (science). August 8: Olivia Newton-John date of departure, Marilyn’s funeral, Felix Leclerc likewise, etc.. and others.

  31. Terry  August 3, 2022 at 1:53 pm Reply

    I wish everyday that I will receive a message from my Mom. She passed on 7/17/22. I missed her by just minutes. My Dad told her we were coming. But she just couldn’t hold on any longer. I did see her the day before. Her eyes never opened. But she would nod or shake her head. As I prepared to leave I said “I love you Mom”. She managed to say “love you”. Shortly after she was back on a Bipap machine. Those 2 words may have been her last.
    If you’re out there Mom, send me a sign that you’re okay.

  32. Therese & Frankie  July 28, 2022 at 1:36 pm Reply

    It has been a year since my mom passed on and there has been nothing to indicate her presence – it is just hollow and empty instead. She passed away on a night that I didn’t typically come to visit so we couldn’t be there to see her passing.

  33. D  July 26, 2022 at 2:39 pm Reply

    I lost my mom 12 years ago tomorrow from lung cancer. My long story short I asked my mom to ring her Angel chimes for me and her grandsons so we knew she was ok and around us. Well almost 12 years later and 2 or 3 paid for physic reads that’s were a pretty much waste of time and money , I’ve yet to get a sign or dream or anything from my mom.. I just don’t know what to believe is true or not anymore…. But I feel for everyone one here and there story ❤️

    • David  August 22, 2022 at 1:05 am Reply

      I lost my beautiful loving mum 19/7/2022…She was 92…But had been in poor health for years…I myself had been her main carer as I live in the house!…Now I sit alone..staring at were her bed used to be in downstairs living room..Trying to see her…listening for her voice calling me!…I’m constantly pray to her and god to chapel to pray and light candles…”I ask for her to give me a sign that she’s ok!…But it never comes..and never will…The only relief I find is the fact mum is not in anymore pain or struggling…That she’s at everlasting peace!..But I think this is when we question our religions and faiths..But what else is there..I feel I’m going insane🙏

  34. Steven H  July 16, 2022 at 2:17 pm Reply

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  35. Lori Ellerman  July 8, 2022 at 8:48 am Reply

    It will be five years this August 2022 that my Mother has passed. It was a sudden and unexpected death. She was a young and energetic 68 year old woman. I saw her that afternoon and she just returned from her 4mile walk. She was perfectly fine and would never think the horrific event that was to follow that evening.
    She suffered a hemographic stroke at 11pm, upon arriving to the hospital she was alive but her brainstem was affected and she was in a coma, brain dead state. I was in shock that there was nothing they could do. When she was taken off ventilator, she layed there lifeless for four days. I’d lay in bed with her, stayed there the entire four days and my Brother and I held her hands when she finally let go. It was a nightmare but as hard as it was, I was glad to be with her.

    She and I were besties, talked several times a day, out every weekend shopping, movies, or dining out, and my vacation buddy. I just took her on a cruise to Alaska three months earlier.

    All I can say is it took me two years to feel normal. The beginning months the pain is with sharp edges and the grief comes in constant waves. You’ll cry, scream, feel anger, distrust your faith. It’s brutal. The second year I thought would get easier but to me made me more anxious as I realized my new reality or new normal without ever seeing or speaking to her again.

    I still have my moments, I still say to my significant other that I miss her everyday. However, it eventually changes, the sharp edges of pain dull and aren’t as sharp. The constant waves of grief don’t come at you relentlessly. You’ll build around your grief, it will always be with you a significant loss like this, but again you’ll build around it.

    It’s a long and tough journey and harder when it’s unexpected; I always thought I’d be her age when she would pass. Life is uncertain and tomorrow is not promised to anyone. Keep their memory alive, speak of them often, spoil yourself around their anniversary of death. Most of all be gentle with yourself. Every grief journey is different and there’s no time line.

    • Susan  August 8, 2022 at 5:36 am Reply

      Thank you for your story about your mom. Your mom was young. I’m 64 years old and lost my 89 yr. Old mom in April 2022. My heart is broken. My emotions are wild. I’m a widow. I’ve lived beside my parents 45 years. Raised my 3 kids here beside mom and dad. Dad passed 15 years ago and I have seen him, talked to him. I feel his spirit so much. Mom, I can’t feel her spirit at all. I just got over breast cancer for the 2 nd time. I feel empty. I feel broken.
      My only sibling is facing a double lung transplant. I cry all the time by myself. I don’t sleep. My anxiety is off the charts!! I pray a lot!! I feel mom is mad at me. I just don’t know!! I know I’m broken. My fur baby passed 3 weeks after mom. I had her 18 years. So broken!!💔💔😢😢

      • Litsa  August 8, 2022 at 6:33 am

        Oh Susan, I am so sorry for your losses – that is so much to have gone through. Many people have different experiences of feeling closeness to different loved ones after they pass – not feeling closeness is not a reason to think that your mom is mad at you. Just like you had different relationships with your mom and dad in life, the way you feel close to them in death may look different as well. I know this can be so hard when you want a relationship to look a certain way, but try to be gentle with yourself and your mom’s memory.

      • David  August 22, 2022 at 1:33 am

        This is so sad and to believe if we turn to our god who is love and caring for us his children..In our times of heartbreak through our loss..While we pray constantly for ease and a sign from our loved ones..Then why could he not give us that little bit of ease and peace knowing they are alright…But instead we are dragged through torment…I just don’t think it’s fair..I hope all goes well with you!..I also lost my 92 yr old mum..July 19 ..2022. And have nobody at all🙏

  36. Novella C ♕𔘓‎♔  July 2, 2022 at 3:55 pm Reply

    I also had a hard time with actually feeling NY husband at first as well. Then something happened. The signs began to manifest to me and to others who very close to us (family but not blood). He appeared in a dream to my friends very pregnant daughter and told her to tell me he was OK & he had been accepted by the otherside with open arms & was in grace & peace. This girl immediately contacted me. Then throughout the next few weeks more signs came. A perfect cross appeared in the clouds, in sky directly above the area my home is in. I didn’t see it but my close friends did. At first, I thought I was overly examining these signs & I even began to put doubt into my own mind, but in one way or another they still happen, especially when I’m in emotionally dark states of mind. I know it’s him, in some instances more than others, but without a doubt when its him, I know it’s him & I am filled with so much comfort and love that it’s like he just wraps me up like he used to. When you talk about soulmates and the perfect “match made in heaven” that was us to a T. Romeo and Juliette, Johnny and June energy to the brim. We had our troubles with life & family but our marriage was picturesque, it was envied by many people in our lives. It’s was for sure a 1 in a million. Once in a thousand lifetimes experience. A gift, the gift I had prayed for since being a young girl. I was perfectly happy. He was only 41, needless to say it was a total shock to us all. He passed this year in January, but the investigation by our state police force is still open & being investigated, the authorities, and I (plus most our family) believe he was murdered and the whole thing staged, but we can’t prove it without a shadow of a doubt just yet. I pray for the truth to be illuminated in the coming months & answers our family so desperately needs to be found. In the wake of this tragedy of such a beautiful soul taken before his time & in the prime of his life, nothing could heal me personally more than to know for certain what happened to my beloved that cold night, he was everything to me without him it’s hard to breath. To really mend what’s lefts of the beautiful life I once had, I have to know. Sorry to ramble partly of subject of the messages beyondthe viel, I’m very passionate about my love. He was me & I was him, we were one, essentially a huge part of me died that night with him.

    • Susan  August 8, 2022 at 5:41 am Reply

      Bless you!! My prayers are with you to get answers!! You were very Blessed with his love!!❤️❤️🙏

  37. Katy  June 6, 2022 at 1:50 pm Reply

    I lost my mom to covid Nov 2020, my world fell apart. I too was exceptionally close to my mom, I cared for her for over 3 years often forgetting to care for myself and failing to remember that my husband and children needed me too. Mom always said to me she would near me, never leave me…… but I don’t feel her. I sit in her room, I smell her cardigan, listen to her music, had a tattoo that signified our bond and yet still feel nothing. The only time I felt anything significant was the morning after she passed I walked into my living room and the nurse call system was going crazy ringing an alarm that only by pulling the cord could cause such noise even pulling it out the wall didn’t stop it until it eventually turned off itself. Was that my mom? Was she telling me she was with me? I have so many questions but I’m scared of the answers. The void I have In my heart will never be filled, the loss of my mother hit me very differently to the loss of my Dad. 🤍

    • ED  July 27, 2022 at 6:57 pm Reply

      I relate to your story 😔 I lost my mum to Covid in Nov 2020 😔 The entire range of emotions that keep coming back…not as often but they are there. She was a very energetic and very enthusiastic woman. She was only in her 50s when Covid took her within one week. The shock, the pain, the everything that was and still is to a degree, associated with the pandemic…The rage at people who didn’t believe it, the sheer pain when I kept hearing that Covid is a hoax. It took my mum. Randomly. One Sunday I spoke to her not knowing what next Sunday would bring… Death that I had to face…the realisation that there is nothing worse than death…There is nothing….Death is it. We don’t know what happens after it…we have got no clue. Some people believe, some don’t…but the guarantee that some try to provide is not a guarantee to me at all…it’s a snip of faith…which to me is some imagination games…but then I turn from horrible atheism to this weird belief that she is there somewhere as consciousness and I can’t grasp what other dimensions mean…and then again this horrible fear comes in that how can she be anywhere…I can’t sense her, I can’t see her and she can’t manifest herself as anything …and I sway from believing to wanting to believe…From thinking I am getting signs to thinking it’s all just a defensive mechanism ..I hate it. I hate death and I hate the fact it’s all like a big joke … I wish I could be more positive but even if there is anything and she’s there somewhere….I wanted to have her experience my little kids growing up, to see me growing as a mother and as a human being. And even if she’s somewhere and sees me…I can’t see her so what does it matter. She’s not here with me 😔

      • Katy  August 15, 2022 at 1:35 pm


    • Susan  August 8, 2022 at 5:43 am Reply

      Bless you!! Prayers for you!! Why can’t we get a sign from our mom’s they are ok??😢😢

  38. Angel  May 28, 2022 at 9:04 pm Reply

    Hello ,
    I lost someone I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with ,its been a month and 12 days now ,I miss him so much, I think about him everyday,re read our chats and look at his picture atleast once a day but what hurts me is I don’t feel or have never felt his spiritual presence ,it gets me wondering if he did not love me?,I really love to see him one more time whether in my dreams. I feel I need to feel him ,touch me ,be with me ..Its really a trying moment for me.i feel I need a sign to know that he is close to me or atleast watches over me.

    • Margie  July 11, 2022 at 9:08 am Reply

      Angel, my heart goes out to you. I am experiencing the same thing. My man died 17 weeks ago today and I have felt, seen , or heard nothing from him. He always told me that I was the love of his life, that no one had ever made him feel the way I made him feel, and he asked me to marry him. Then unexpectedly he died from a cerebral hemorrhage. I was with him. I just knew in my heart that he would contact me immediately, but nothing. I feel such a void and it has caused me to doubt what we really had. I love him and miss him so much. I listen to his voicemails, read his texts, and look at his pictures every day. I pray for a visit from him every single day. The thing that hurts the most is that every other loved one that has passed has visited me. I’m heartbroken over this.

      • David  August 22, 2022 at 2:20 am

        I lost my mum of 92yrs old 19/7/2022..We in this world have all loved and lost. Loved ones,..It crippled your life..There’s no emotion like this”..In everyone’s own religion we pray to our god or who ever,..We seek to be consoled..we pray for answers…I am Catholic and constantly pray..I’ve lost all my friends and most of my family and recently my mum,..The facts are!..We will never have signs from loved ones who have passed..And if wee things occur well it’s just coincidence and that we what it to be..them,But when you listen to the miracles that occurred in the past…You wonder..Death comes to every living person.and living thing!..And if it’s true our souls live for eternity..Then is it to much to ask for a simple sign that our loved ones are ok…Instead of living a life of hell and pain!..After all They say God is Love🙏

  39. Bonnie  May 18, 2022 at 8:27 pm Reply

    That was just beautiful and I can relate, especially to the anger and guilt of not being there, I was two minutes late….

  40. Jess  May 12, 2022 at 10:27 am Reply

    I lost my mum due to cancer in 2019 and I feel nothing of her. I just…miss her so badly.

    I use to do ghost hunting for a hobby but still felt nothing. I don’t think I will ever see her again.

    This is the message for the void

    • Litsa  May 12, 2022 at 4:49 pm Reply

      I’m sorry there has been a void where you’ve hoped to feel her. Though this message might be for the void and not those here grieving, please know that we appreciate your sharing here.

    • David  August 22, 2022 at 2:28 am Reply

      I totally agree,I’ve lost my mum 19/7/2022 age 92…All mates are gone,,And most of my family..I was my mums main carer…Now I’m on my own in the home we’re I cared for her!..I Am a ghost and horror fanatic so was mum!..But There’s no such thing…There’s never been scientifically proven otherwise…But fake pics ect just like Nessie!…Now we are ment to live on after we pass on and our souls go to heaven…So we become spirits,..But my point is there’s no such thing!..Never any proof…Most of it is Rem..And in the mind..and what we want to see and believe…So this is we’re I get very confused🙄

  41. Deb  May 4, 2022 at 3:22 pm Reply

    My mom died two years ago this August. I wasn’t with her. It was an emergency surgery I didn’t even know she was having and she died as she was going under. She was 84 and not in great health, so the anesthesia was too much for her body to handle, so I’m told. We used to talk every day and had the very day before. It was an awful shock. I too have not “felt” her but I have dreamed of her. In the dreams she’s young and healthy and I always know I’m visiting the past and am aware she’s gone in the present. So I’m grateful and I hug her and I feel her in that moment. But it’s always so fleeting. I wish I could have those dreams every night. In our conversations we talked about how excited we were about vaccines becoming available in a few months and how we could soon spend time together again. We managed to get together outside a couple times a month but it wasn’t enough and I couldn’t wait to go out to lunch with her again, go shopping like we used to, have her over to my house for a few nights, really spend quality time. We always thought we’d have more time. It hurts that we were both robbed of that.

  42. Peter Maxwell  May 1, 2022 at 3:56 am Reply

    I used to feel that way too. Even after getting the necklace for the ashes of my Dad when we lost him in 2017. But now, I really feel his presence with me, his memory alive and clear in my mind and heart.

  43. Susan  May 1, 2022 at 1:43 am Reply

    My mom/my best friend died 6 weeks ago. As she was dying I asked her to come to me in a dream. She’s gone and I’ve had no dreams, no signs, no feeling of her presence. For me this has confirmed what I always suspected…there is nothing after we die…we’re gone. I really miss her and think of her daily.

    • Andrew  July 10, 2022 at 1:33 am Reply

      I am not so sure there is nothing after this world…..with the miracle of life creation – can be the miracle of life after death.

      The issue is we are expecting to hear from them. If it were that easy – we would never second guess it…..be patient – you will be reunited….

      Until then – live your life as your loved one would want from you……

  44. Susan  April 20, 2022 at 3:54 pm Reply

    My mom passed four Wednesdays ago. I never knew how much I dearly loved her. We were really close, I called her twice daily and saw her often. She was my mom but also my best friend. I have been searching and hoping for a sign or feeling letting me know she is happy, pain free and having a grand time with her previously passed family and friends but so far nothing. I talk to her daily and still confide and share everything with her, visit her graveside, and remember her with love and fondness. She is all around me, everywhere I look, lots of things I hear and see, because she was so wonderful that she left us so many, many good memories, but I long t.o feel her presence.
    Thanks for sharing, I now know I’m not alone with such emptiness.

  45. Nikki  April 20, 2022 at 9:26 am Reply

    My beautiful sister passed from cancer in January, 2020. My partner died 8 weeks ago. I am in so much grief. I haven’t felt anything for either, which makes me think there is nothing after we die. I now have no family and no life long partner. I’m devastated that they haven’t contacted me. It means I will never see or hear from them again. Therefore, life makes no sense, no sense at all.

    • Michelle  May 12, 2022 at 1:37 pm Reply

      Nikki, I am sorry to hear of your losses. We lost our 26 year old son on April 10, 2022. I think being able to feel and/or hear from our loved ones is a gift. I do not have that gift. I have not been able to feel or hear from our son. My husband does have the gift. He has had loved ones who have recently pass communicate to him. He says that he normally just drowns things out because it can become noisy at times. He told our son that he would never ever drown him out. Our son has communicated frequently though him. He says he is surrounded by peace and love. I have had a hard time with trying to understand. I know that I will never understand, but he says that whenever we are sad to just say the word “peace”. Actually today is the first day that I am feeling a little better. I have cried at times every day prior. Our son wants us to think happy thoughts and not be sad. His spirit is in the heavenly realms. He let my husband feel a glimpse of what he feels. To me, that is a blessing because I can’t say that he 100% believed before – now he does. I know that he is with us, even though I can’t feel him. His memory will live on through us and his young son. I hope this can give you some encouragement.

      • Marie  July 21, 2022 at 8:29 am

        So sorry on your loss. The death of a child is another stage of grief I think. We lost our 20 year old daughter on the 28th March, 2022. About two weeks after I was woken up by a voice calling out “mum,mum!”. That was really my only sign. When dad passed years ago I had signs, visions and dreams. I was very close to both of them. I worry that as my daughter’s passing was not peaceful and I witnessed it then there is something wrong. My husband did have a vivid dream about her however I have not experienced any to date.

  46. Eva Luna  April 6, 2022 at 9:29 am Reply

    I can relate to this so so much. My mom and I were the same, as close as love can be. I would observe the relationships that my friends had with their mothers and shortly realize that my mother and I had something special. She would play with me, dance with me, sing with me, do crafts with me, she hid poems she wrote for me in my lunchbox to find whenever I was having a rough time at school. She would push and challenge me in a loving way to do better in everything, schoolwork, soccer, dance, art, friendships. Whenever I felt sad she would wrap us up in a blanket and sit huddled next to me. On the nights my dad was on tour for many months I would sleep in bed next to her and she would hold my hand until we fell asleep. She was the best cook. She could make magic out of three remaining random ingredients in the fridge. She always knew when I was hungry or had a low immune system even before I did. She would look me in the eyes and just know. She would quickly get me a yummy snack and tell me to go take a nap. She was proud of all of my artistic achievements. She was proud even when they weren’t that great. My mom was very spiritual as well, so that’s why I thought i would still be able to feel her presence. She died when I was 11 years old of leukemia. My dad knew she was going to die one day and instead of letting me be home he sent me off to spend the night at my uncles house. I had no idea that was going to be her last night. After her death we moved to Puerto Rico (my dads birthplace) and life got a little easier because we started to create a new life and I started distracting myself with new activities friendships and hobbies. I feel like I was much stronger back then than I am now. Now I am 22 and I am a complete wreck. I can see now how my lack of mothering in my teenage years has seriously affected my decision making. Pair that with the fact that in 2012 (only a year after my moms death) my dad got a serious girlfriend who moved in with us in 2015. I was never close to her and I never felt allowed to grieve my mother in the house because then they would know and feel awkward. My dad never talked to me about my mom ever again. If I ever did bring her up and tell her I missed her he would make me feel guilty as though I’m making him feel like he is not enough of a parent for me. He would start to cry so hard and tell me that I should not blame him for her death when that is not the case! I never ever blamed him. All I wanted was to be able to express our grief healthily. I wanted to ask him questions about her as a I grew older. My home was chaos. Fighting, passive aggressive tension, scarcity mindset. I wasn’t able to cook myself something without asking if I could first use some ingredients. If I cut my finger and was using my dads girlfriends neosporin i was told to put it back where it belonged and get my own. Get my own you say? Oh yeah I forgot to tell you that when my grandma died in 2014 (moms mom) she left me an inheritance to receive at 18. So when I turned 18 I received it and you can imagine how many problems it brought to the household dynamic given that we were ALREADY having problems. I was indirectly being pushed out of the house. My dad says I’m “always” welcome back home but that is complete bullshit. They never wanted me home ever since I could move out and pay my own rent. Since then I have been living in different places, currently with my boyfriend. He is amazing and loving but I feel bad because whenever I feel so depressed because of my mom and family life he feels like he can’t do anything about it. And he can’t. I feel like such a drag sometimes. I had a godmother but she completely turned on me after her divorce. No mother figure there. I can’t talk to anyone. There was a time when I felt like I was strong and could make a great life for myself and fulfill my moms legacy and now I feel like that’s naive as heck. Life is suffering. Life is pointless. I used to think that my mom is still out there but honestly I don’t feel anything. She doesn’t even visit me in dreams. I only have this one recurring dream that I get minimum twice a year where my mom comes to visit me because it turns out that she has actually been alive this whole time, just living in another country. And I ask her why she would just leave for so many years without contacting us? Why would she want us to think she was dead? In my dream she would act so nonchalant and bored as if it was an unimportant question and she wasn’t even excited to see me. Just a cold robotic mirage of my mom. My maternal grandma died. My maternal grandpa died. My maternal aunt moved away and is barely available. My maternal uncle is the only one available but we are not that close. It feels as though everything close to my mom has been wiped out. No memory. Her friends all moved away. There’s no one there to talk to me about who she was intimately. Now that I’m older I would love to know more things about her. I have a lot of questions. I feel so utterly alone. My dad wants to reach out sometimes but the damage is done. I know I should forgive him but I feel so much resentment right now I do not want to be the “bigger person”. When I first moved out to a crusty apartment in the ghetto he only visited me 2 times for 20 mins. He never called me to ask how I was doing. He never texted me. I was suffering through hell. So alone. No friends. A shitty ex boyfriend. Had to learn to completely take care of myself and a household with no guidance. My health was declining I developed cystitis and auto immune reactions. I had no energy to eat well or exercise. I was screaming inside and no one could see it. I needed my mom to come look me in the eyes and just know what I needed. I still do. Lately I have been wanting to die. I don’t want to kill myself. But I wouldn’t mind if I died in my sleep. You could say that I shouldn’t be sad I should be grateful that I received my inheritance which is a blessing that not everybody gets. But let me tell you first hand: money will never replace family. You can have all the money in the world and still feel alone. The minute I received that inheritance it was bye bye innocence. It was bye bye father figure. It was bye bye being taken care of. It was bye bye ignorance. I got to see first hand what money does to a family dynamic and it is ugly. Nobody deserves to feel what I felt. I had money but I had no one. Since I had money my dad acted like I no longer needed him. He wasn’t there for me emotionally from the beginning. So now he wasn’t there for me emotionally or materially to pay for my well being. I felt completely alien to my family. They are working upper middle class. They aren’t rich but let’s just say that they have a bunch of gadgets and there is never food scarcity. My grandma was secretly loaded. So she gave me a very nice amount. That set me apart from my household from the get go. I was never told to invest my money in property, or a business, or stocks or whatever. I didn’t know any better. All I was told was to use it for my education. Yeah right. I kept studying my shitty film degree in a failing college system and little by little spent my inheritance on distractions and things to feel better. You can point fingers and blame me and tell me that I had every opportunity to live a good life because not many people get given an inheritance but it’s like giving a kid a gun. They don’t know how to use it. Especially if they are in a dark moment in their life. I didn’t know how to use my blessing. Now I regret everything. I would have bought myself a house instead of waste it on worthless rent. My life is a mess. Losing a mom is tremendous. I don’t know how I’m going to keep going honestly.

    • Litsa  April 30, 2022 at 6:18 pm Reply

      Eva, I am so sorry for the death of your mom and all you have had to cope with since. Money does not make up for not having the emotional support that you needed and for the grief you’ve felt from losing so many family members (to both death and other losses). I know it can feel impossible to rebuild, especially when you don’t have the support from family that you’d wish. But seeking support can go a long way. Do you have a therapist who you are working with. This can help you not just in coping with the losses you’ve been through, but figuring out what it looks like to keep going and build a life that is valuable and meaningful- even if it isn’t the life you’d imagined.

  47. Irena  April 2, 2022 at 4:45 pm Reply

    My mother had been my best friend for 4 decades, since birth it was an instant connection. She was my unconditional support, the one person I knew would never let me down… until her body gave out on February 12th 2022 in a covid hospital. I wasn’t allowed to visit her, the nurses were so mean that they blatantly refused to hand my mom the phone so I could hear her one more time and at least get to say goodbye that way. So, after only 3 days in that hospital she was intubated, and she survived another 8 days in a medically induced coma. On the 9th day her heart stopped beating and she couldn’t be reanimated any more. That was it… In her messages right before she was put on a ventilator, she wrote “everything’s OK, don’t worry; send me some new pants (they threw my stuff away), straws, and a bottle of lemonade; take good care of yourself my sunshine, mommy kisses you!” She didn’t know she wouldn’t get out of there alive, and I know for a fact she wanted to live, she had plans, goals and she loved me so much that she would never leave me if she could help it! I’m on this website because, just like the author of the article, I’m grieving and I can’t feel my mom either. My cat doesn’t seem to react to anything around our apartment either. I’m asking myself a lot of questions, I’m struggling with guilt and regrets, and I’m still in a state of shock, and so much so that sometimes these days without her feel like a temporary thing. I find it hard to believe she had “agreed” to leave this world. She was always a fighter and I needed her to fight this battle too and win and come back home. The last time I saw her was as she was being taken away, delirious and breathing heavily, by an ambulance. We didn’t get to hug or say anything to each other. It was a day like no other. I wanted to jump out of my own skin, I was hyperventilating, I was restless and I ran out and kept walking and walking and walking… while my heart was beating like drums and tears rolled down my face in public; I didn’t care, I almost wanted to shout it out loud to strangers around me “my mom was taken away today!” I didn’t know how to deal with this… and I still don’t. I only sob less frequently as the days go by because I try to keep myself busy with work and I watch comedy shows she and I used to love watching together. That’s what makes me feel closer to her, doing the things we used to do together. But I can’t feel her… I can imagine her, I can stare at her photos… just to find myself in disbelief that she’s suddenly not in my life any more nor will she ever be again. Game over. I still keep all her things the way she left them, I haven’t even changed the position of her pillow from the way she had put it the last time she was sleeping on it before the ambulance took her away. I keep her last bottle of milk, her last beer can, her last everything that isn’t perishable. I keep every hand-written note she ever left behind… but I don’t dare to read them, and when I happen to read one by accident, I see that she wrote she had plans for further down this year, and then I break down and feel something like survivor’s guilt. She was the purest soul I’ve ever known and I had the honor of having precisely her as my mom… and her death for me marks the before and after… Life as I knew it seized to exist when she left this house never to return. I struggle with mixed feelings, because I want to believe she’s better off this way because she had suffered from many incurable conditions which were bound to progress sooner or later and she would have suffered even more had she survived… and then I feel guilty for letting her go, as if it had ever been up to me to decide! I want to know if she’s OK… She came to my dreams only 2 times, and in the 1st one she openly told me that she wasn’t dead and the doctors were lying and she was smiling and happy. In the second one she sat on my bed and told me about the way my father was sleeping that night: on his back with open mouth and such… She used to hate that and she warned me that it wasn’t going to be a good day. She was right, my father has become abusive since then… After that she never came forward again, I never felt even a bit of her energy around me and she hasn’t come to my dreams again yet. I wonder if she ever will… I wonder if she knows she died. I wonder if she’s crossed over faster than I thought she would… and I need these answers, but there’s no one to give them to me. I’m spiritual and have felt spirits before on multiple occasions. But now that it’s my own mother who I was extremely close with, I can’t feel even a little bit of her energy. As if she never lived in this house… and she has for 30 years. I’m not the same person now, I felt the wave of change overcome me and now I don’t even know whether I should try harder to move on or try harder to communicate with her, even though she’s giving me no sign of her. I am scared of the next stages of grief. Will I make it? Will I fall into a depression? How am I not already half-dead knowing I buried my best friend in life and the only choice I’m left with is to keep going through the motions for God knows how long…

    • Sonia  May 2, 2022 at 7:18 pm Reply

      I’ve been doing a lot of research about the after life, about grieving since I lost my mother. I came across this website, and I’m glad because now I don’t feel alone with my situation and my feelings. I also lost my mom from covid on Valentine’s day this year (2022)
      The whole situation was devastating to me, to not be able to be by her side, to be able to hear her voice one last time, to not be able to have a proper goodbye it’s what breaks my heart every time. I would think, why, why is this happening to my mom, she doesn’t deserve any of this, she was a great loving person and she died alone. That is one of the things that makes it so hard for me to let go of this pain. My mom was also a spiritual person, she was a woman of faith and that is one thing that gives me some sort of peace… I’m also doing better day by day, trying to let go of the painful feeling when I think of everything she went through on that hospital alone, I’m trying to let go because i know she’s no longer suffering, and i know she wouldn’t want for me to remember her on that stage. I also felt the same way… So disconnected, hoping to have some sort of message from her to know that she’s okay, that she’s in a good place. But I try to see it different now, to let her rest in peace…

      I had a really rough time the very first weeks… I would literally cry everyday all day, I felt like I wasn’t going to be able to move on, I felt so hopeless to the point I just didn’t want to live anymore. But I stop and think, remember how strong my mother used to be, she was also a warrior, she never gave up on anything, and that’s one thing I’ve always admired about her, and in her honor I will continue to live, and to remember her with love, and keep all the beautiful memories in my heart.

  48. Amar  April 1, 2022 at 12:34 am Reply

    I lost my dad Nov 4th 2021. He had cancer for the third time but lymphoma was the one that suffocated him. I miss him greatly even though we didn’t have a good relationship. Since then, I’ve seen a tarot card healer who said he is always around me but I don’t feel anything. I pray to him and God and the angels daily. It seems as though my moms house has some supernatural activity taking place, and affecting my mom and my husband who is there for school, while I am at our house 4 hours away. But I am angry because I feel like I cannot connect with him at all.

  49. Kaytlyn Myers  March 20, 2022 at 10:29 am Reply

    I think the only time I’ve wished I wasn’t an atheist was when my mom died in September. You can’t feel her because there’s nothing after this life. Which is heartbreaking and also bitterly poetic and beautiful. It sounds like you and your mom made the most of the time you had in this life and that you can always celebrate and hold onto. My mom died from covid. She only had it 10 days and was only 54. I’ll never stop missing her. I’ll always resent the stubborness that caused her to go too. 10 minutes at cvs and she’d still be here. It sucks.

  50. Sara  March 19, 2022 at 11:51 pm Reply

    My mom is terminal. Lung cancer, and it is possible that it has metastasized in other parts of her body. She would not allow biopsies on the other findings, and is choosing to not have treatment. She is 75 years old, we have a history of cancer and unsuccessful treatments in our family, especially where the women are concerned. She does not want to go through treatments. We were told 8 weeks to a year. That was 4 months ago. Did I mention she broke her hip? She did, in the hospital as a matter of fact, when she was in the emergency room being treated for a nasty eye infection. And this was the time we found out she even has cancer, when an MRI was done after the fall. So that right there took away her chance to do a lot of things before she goes Home. (I never say pass away.. ) She was in the hospital for weeks because of that fall, followed by rehab for 3 more weeks. I only missed 3 days of being with her. First one was the night she went to the emergency room in the first place, and 2 days when I had to move her from the second floor apartment to the first. Every other day I was with her from 10am-8pm (visiting hours). When they took her to the ER, I did not think they would let me go because of the covid restrictions. The other 2 missed days was because I had to move her. I had to do the entire thing on my own. I have no friends or family really. I told God, if you give me the strength, I will not quit and I will get this done. And I did. It was not easy. We are very close and we only really have each other. I never married, never had children. Its always been her and I. My mother is one of the kindest people that ever walked this earth, and there is nothing she wouldn’t do for me. She’s had an extremely rough life, but she is one strong lady and I love her so much.
    I took her out of rehab a little early, the floor she was on had a few patients with covid. She is now home, and I am with her almost 24/7. She is now in a stage where things have gotten worse. She is sleeping a lot, she is uncomfortable and she is not always responsive. Part of that could be due to her being really hard of hearing, but I am not naive. 
    It is scary, it is painful to me and I hate it. Because I am selfish. I know better not to pray for her to stay and stay and stay (even though I have)… because what is going on inside of her body is horrific and she does not deserve that. She has weakened quite a bit. Her body jerks, all of the balance she was sort of regaining is gone, she cannot even go to the commode, right next to her recliner without me anymore. She cannot bathe anymore either. Its half a**ed sponge baths that I give her, whatever she can handle.
    When she does leave here, I will cry and mourn. Because I will miss being able to have actual conversations with her (ones with replies that I can hear, every word). Laugh with her. Ask her advice. And just the simple things like enjoying a cup of coffee with her while watching our favorite shows. But I also will know that she now has her vision completely restored, her hearing and thank God, her health. She will be right there, at our real Home, watching here, enjoying everything there and waiting for her best bud to come and join her.

    I think depending on your own beliefs, you could try and understand that to those that have gone back Home, they don’t have “time” like we do. To them, it may feel like “just a few minutes” until we come and join them. I also really believe that they all do come and visit us, or try and send messages. But if you are not really in tune, and open you may be missing it. Our earthly brains are so clogged with minute to minute garbage, it could just be hard for them to get through to us. I do believe that every single person here that has commented has absolutely been visited by their loved one, probably a lot more than you will ever realize.
    Sara in CA.

    • Caroline  October 26, 2022 at 6:35 pm Reply

      Sara. Thank you for that post. It resonated with me. Sending you hugs and strength (both of which I could do with too) x

  51. Melly T  March 14, 2022 at 10:26 pm Reply

    My best friend was killed on Sunday, March 7, 2021. We found out the next day. Best friend is not strong enough to describe what we had become to each other over 26 years of sisterhood and love. I didn’t feel it when she died. I don’t feel her now. What I do feel is her absence. I never knew the absence of something could be so loud, so apparent, so imposing. I miss her more than than there are words to describe.

    • Karen  April 12, 2022 at 8:54 am Reply

      Yes! That is just how I feel a year after losing my husband. I only know the absence. I want to feel his presence! This is all so difficult.

  52. Michael  March 9, 2022 at 10:43 pm Reply

    My Mom died 2010 from breast cancer the first 3day after she died You can hear Her fill Her My causin could hear Her whispering to Me I felt secure Fast forward My wife dies January 2022 we were together 30 years with a Daughter and I don’t fill Her or hear Her voice I was with Her when she suddenly past I dont understand I felt are connection should be strong but I believe she is not aware yet that She has passed.

  53. Lorena  March 4, 2022 at 12:44 am Reply

    I lost my mom to cancer. Everybody told me the same thing when she passed, “Your mom will always be with you. You’ll feel her.” But, I didn’t. She would joke an tell me, “I’m going to come back and visit you. And pull your toes.” But, she didn’t. Other family members have said she comes to them in their dreams often.In the 26 years that she has passed, she’s only come to me twice.

    Now my husband has passed. Two months ago. I remember saying to a close friend that I didn’t feel him with me. That night he came to me. He’s sent little signs here and there. I miss him. Miss my mom, too. 🥺😥😭

    • Maria  March 15, 2022 at 4:06 am Reply

      I’m sorry you lost your husband, but glad you’re getting some signs of him. I hope your mom somehow figures out how to pull your toes one day.

      I lost my mom a month and a half ago, and my grandma a month and a half before that. I have had some dreams with Mom there, but I want more. Missing them tremendously

    • O  April 27, 2022 at 7:48 am Reply

      I lost a beautiful very unique classes always smiling friend Monday I don’t feel her it like she isn’t gone my heart is broken I pray to God to help me and her family to try to ease our pain but it just seem everyday I wake up its harder to not thank of her please God tell my friend she is missed and I love her amen

  54. Christal Wynne  March 2, 2022 at 10:39 pm Reply

    I suddenly lost my mom last tuesday, on 2/22/22 at 220pm in her covid icu room 246. She had been feeling flu symptoms for 3 weeks decided to go to the hospital and see why, that was a Saturday night and the last time me and my dad seen her alive. The er said she tested positive for covid made my dad leave the hospital right then. Sunday nite about 930pm i received a text from her and said she felt better she was severely dehydrated. A close friend had also talked to her for about an hour on the phone around the same time. Even hurd the nurse say she would be going home in a day or two. Not the case, sometime threw the night she or someone did something wrong and i got a call at 830am she was on a ventilator in icu dying. I dont understand i dont get it. I got to visit in icu had to wear a breathing helmet and oxygen. Just to visit her. She was in a coma state, no response no eye movement no muscle movement. She had no pupil dilation nuthing. The next day she passed away. I am in disbelief this happened from natural cause, no way no how. I feel robbed of a mother, robbed of her life. I am lost. I am motherless. She left her home as a person and came home today as ashes

    • Debra Windrup  March 6, 2022 at 6:49 pm Reply

      I am so sorry . I know your pain: I lost my mom early 2/23/2022 . She held my new baby boy just hours before on 2/22/2022.
      I am devastated. She was perfectly healthy and happy but found out later she had a UTI then chest pain I understand that can be related. She got up at 4/:30 am . My dad saw her collapse she said she would be alright and just needed a minute to “I can’t breath I can’t breath” lost consciousness. The ambulance came and tried all the other way to hospital to bring her back . They say it was cardiac arrest . My family went to the hospital all to witness her in her deceased state which was devastating.
      Her last text to my brother was “what were your Covid symptoms I am having a hard time breathing”
      The funeral was beautiful they made her look really nice . I have never felt such sadness confusion anger at the same time . Yet joy for my baby boy. I am so hurt my mom won’t be here anymore . We had so many fun things planned together . I will miss her so much. She was like a second mom to my other three kids and they were devastated as well. It’s a traumatic experience

      • Maria  March 15, 2022 at 4:12 am

        I’m sorry for your loss. Glad she got to hold your son.

        I lost my mom a month and a half ago and am so sad to not have her around. I don’t know how to be without her

    • Heather Peace  March 8, 2022 at 10:40 pm Reply

      My mom died September 4, 2021 in the hospital with covid. She wasn’t on a vent, just a cpap. She said she was hungry and the doc said he’d feed her, but they didn’t. She said the cpap mask was sliding off and she had to hold it up on her face. If she fell asleep, it smashed her nose and she couldn’t breathe. The doc said it was on right. She was unresponsive the next day and died after 8 days. The cpap left a deep cut between her eyebrows. They even illegally resuscitated her when they found her blue with the mask hose unhooked. Anyway, you aren’t alone. The hospital murdered my 68 year old mom because covid gave them an excuse. I’m sorry for our losses.

      • Julie  April 30, 2022 at 10:25 am

        Covid is the biggest excuse of carelesness of doctors and nurses.
        I have seen my mom collapsing .
        Its unbearable 💔

    • George  March 9, 2022 at 3:37 am Reply

      I’m so sorry for your loss and my heart goes out to you and your family. My experience is similar, my wife went in on Sunday night just to have better care and was expected back in a day or 2, she was doing well but I don’t know what happened on Friday night after we talked but I got a call on Saturday morning that she was in the ICU on a ventilator and that her heart stopped twice but that they got her back. I insisted on seeing her which they allowed but like you she was in a coma, and they called on Monday saying they don’t think she’s going to make it, we rushed to the hospital and she passed later a couple hours later. It’s all surreal to me and I’m still waiting for when I wake up from this nightmare. It doesn’t make any sense!

    • b  March 13, 2022 at 11:28 pm Reply

      I lost my father 2/22/22 also. I am so sorry

    • Alicia  June 7, 2022 at 8:05 am Reply

      Hey Cristal, so sorry for your loss . I lost my mum on the day you wrote that. March 2nd 2022. I feel like it was my fault since she refused to go to the hospital when she was having post menopausal bleeding wnd I should have called 911 as soon as she had bleeding but no one told me sooner that it was a sign of cervical cancer . She kept saying it was her bladder and I keep saying I should have called 911 in the summer (I made an appointment for her at hospital and she refused to go ) she told me not to tell anyone that she was bleeding and I should have immediately but I didn’t want her to be mad at me . By the time her doctor finally saw her she had a giant tumour , it wasn’t her bladder at all like she promised , she wasn’t ok like she said she was and she was gone in 3 months . I feel so lost I just and devastated and like I caused it somehow . I’m literally walking the Camino in Spain right now which is supposed to help with grief but I don’t think it will. I feel robbed . I thought we had 20 years together and now she’s gone and I just want to be with her .

  55. Shyanne  March 1, 2022 at 4:35 am Reply

    I’m heartbroken for you!!! I lost my mother Nov 1st 2021 of ruptured brain aneurysm a week before she was getting help for it!! But for some reason I feel like my life with her was all a dream as if it was never real an she was my mother as well as best friend we even still lived together long after I turned 18 cuz we were so close….so I’m so confused and lost in this never ending nightmare

    • Litsa  March 2, 2022 at 1:40 am Reply

      Shyanne, I am so sorry for what you are going through. After grief and traumatic events people sometimes experience derealization or depersonalization, where they feel outside of themselves or where certain past events don’t feel real. For short periods this is normal, but if it feels persistant it might be helpful to speak with a therapist.

  56. Betty  February 25, 2022 at 3:15 am Reply

    Thank you for sharing your experiences. I lost my mom on Jan 1st 2022 after being her caregiver for 6 yrs by myself.I retired early put my stuff in storage and moved into the family home.I have 3 other siblings that live local. I also have an older sister that passed in 2016. My mom and I did many things together.We shared our love of jewelry and thrift store shopping. We made so many memories.I took her to every doctor appt.did her banking,did her meds.Did everything.She was a good mom. My dad passed in 2014.She missed him so much.They married for 63 yrs.We experienced covid together.I took care of both of us at the same time. Her in her bed and me on the couch.I recovered,but she didn’t fare so well. She was already on oxygen before the covid hit.She spent 6 days in the hospital. The doctor told us we could take her home. There was not much they could do. She wanted to come home. So hospice came in got everything set up.Those people are amazing. She was on hospice for 3 months and then she started to deteriorate.She refused the oxygen and did her best to get out of the bed.She was so restless. My heart was breaking everytime she would ask to go home. She didn’t realize that she was already home.I fed her everyday. I kept as comfortable as possible. I knew she was ready to go by my dad. I talked to her and did my best to comfort her.Told her it was ok. We were all going to be ok.Her dog was by her side the entire time. She licked Ma’s eyelids as to say open your eyes,look at me I’m right here. She also laid with her nose by her mouth.Ma’s breathing changed. I don’t know if it was wrong or not,but I just didn’t want her to suffer any longer.I touched her hair and her cheek. I hugged her,kissed her on the forehead and held her hand.A few breaths more and she was gone and I was lost here by myself.It was me,ma,the 4 dogs and her bird.I have no regrets. It was an honor and pleasure to take care of my beautiful mom. I have lots of memories that no one else will have.I learned so much from her.I miss her so much. Thank you mom for giving me the last year’s of your life..I’ll see you later.I love you.

  57. Courtney  February 24, 2022 at 1:45 pm Reply

    I lost my mom March 18, 2021. She was intubated after having complications from a stroke. She was in the ICU for 16 days and I was with her everyday. I ultimately had to make the decision to let her go. I am an only child and my parents are divorced. I haven’t spoken to my father in over 10 years and my mom was ostracized by her family so we really only had each other. She was my everything. My best friend, my soul mate, my mom, my dad, my sister. My family. I miss her so much everyday that sometimes I feel like I’m not even in my body. I too am struggling with not feeling her. I’m also struggling with the guilt of not making the right decisions and not spending the time with her I could have. I’m also starting to feel very angry towards my father because my reasoning tells me had he not been so abusive my mom would have felt worthy of taking better care of herself. And I hate him for that.
    I’m in therapy now and we are working through a lot of this but. It still hurts.

  58. Susan  February 23, 2022 at 8:48 pm Reply

    I loved this! Thank you for letting me know I am not alone. My Mom passed in December and I can completely relate. I miss her so much.

  59. Jane Lepold  February 23, 2022 at 2:51 pm Reply

    Oh, my goodness, this hits home so hard. My 21 year old son died almost five years ago, in the early morning hours, while I was asleep. I had gotten up, gone to work and been teaching in my classroom for the entire morning before I learned of his death. I have always wondered, having felt connected to him in a special way even before his birth, why didn’t I know? When he was little, I felt like I knew when he was cold…or hungry, or hurt. How did I not have some great psychic-phenomena-level experience that gave me a clue that the world was now off it’s kilter, the center of it for me being gone from it?

    Like this author, I have done everything I could do to feel his presence. I have worn his clothing, made a playlist of the music he loved, tried to learn how to play his guitar, slept in his bed, gotten a tattoo, invited him along with on family vacations, asked him to hold my hand while I stood next to his urn. I’ve journaled, I sleep with his unwashed shirt – the last one I saw him wearing – under my pillow. I have also been to a medium twice. Asked for messages. Asked for signs.

    I can imagine him sitting in the empty chair at dinner. I can imagine him riding next to me in the car, listening to his tunes. I can imagine him lying on the floor, playing with the dog. I just can’t feel him.

    It is in only in my overt periods of grief that I feel him. In the first two years when he consumed my every thought, from waking to sleeping, I felt him. No wonder when the initial phase of intense grieving was waning, I almost resented it…I resented that regular life intruded into my grief with unrelenting exigencies. Work. Meals. Housekeeping. Obligations to family. I resented them because those things were separating me from my son – the little bit I still felt him with me – all over again.

    Now I only feel him when I allow myself to be immersed in my grief. When I re-read his suicide note. When I play his music and allow myself to really contemplate what his loss means. When I look in his room and see how he planned for a future that he sabotaged for himself. When I allow myself to really feel the grief, that is when I feel him.

  60. Danni  February 18, 2022 at 4:20 am Reply

    My Mom left this world on 21 June 2021. And the moment she left, I felt it, even though I was not at her bedside in the hospital. I was sobbing uncontrollably in those minutes, only to find out a half hour later that it was while she died that I was in that state.
    Since then I haven’t felt her at all. My sister who was even closer to my Mom, felt it too at the same time, but since then she has felt my Mom all the time. She is visited in dreams, has waking moments of smelling my mom’s perfume, feeling her in the room, catching a glimpse of something in the garden as a sign my mom is there… but me – just nothing.
    At first, I was jealous that my sister still felt my Mom around her so much, but as time went by and I reflected I realised that we have different levels of need. I realised that I didn’t need to smell my mom’s perfume or feel her around to know I loved her and that she loved me. I realised that my sister needed that more than I did.
    I wondered if perhaps the reason my sister had all of these experiences, was because she still didn’t have peace of my mom’s death. I realized that was ok. It was what she needed to help her come to terms with my mom’s passing. I wonder if the reason our loved ones come to visit again is because we need it, and not they need it. I have considered briefly going to see a medium and having a tattoo done when my Mom’s birthday comes up – but really feel it won’t make a difference to her being gone. My sister is very keen on doing all these things to remember her, but I don’t need those things. Nothing can replace her hugs, her laugh, her cooking, her sheer elegance, and happiness.
    In my deep reflection in the months that came, and even now I realise that I am ok not having these interactions with her departed soul. Perhaps because I have grown spiritually over the last 5 years and have a deep understanding of life and death and the afterlife, is why I had and have accepted my mom’s death as hard as it was. Don’t get me wrong. There are moments when my heart breaks and I cry as I think about her not being here anymore. I watch a TV show and think of her. I see a car, and remember hers, I wear her jacket and feel her happiness when she wore it at my last birthday. Since she has been gone, I have honoured her memory by continuing to give to do things she loved doing, and we did together. Watching our favourite TV shows, and laughing for the both of us. Wearing my best bling outfit even at a boring school event, to honour her, and handing a meal to a homeless person – just like she did. By doing the things she taught me, I believe those things are more important than feeling her.
    Those moments are enough for me. My soul is at peace with it being her time to go. Of course, I do miss her all the time, but regardless of not seeing or feeling her around me constantly, I know I don’t need that. All I need is to know in my soul that she is in a better place, and she has left her mark on this world and her kindness shown to others, lives on in my sister and I.

  61. Becky  February 14, 2022 at 5:28 am Reply

    Today is Valentine’s Day…it’s almost 4am. In just a few hours, it’ll be exactly 10 days since my mother passed from metastatic breast cancer. Several years ago, the doctors said she only had weeks to live. But she fought a long hard battle. She was under hospice care for 3 weeks before she died. I am the youngest of 4 kids. Since day 1, I have always been the biggest momma’s baby. Always on her heels no matter where she was going. Even as an adult if I get sick, I want my momma! Now…I’m lost. I knew it would be hard. But I did not know it would be this hard. My can literally feel my heart breaking…it physically hurts. I’m mentally and emotionally broken. I am physically exhausted despite not doing anything I cry myself to sleep each night. Haven’t dreamed of her. Nothing’s the same anymore. I miss my mom. I thought I would be able to feel her, but NOTHING. I just feel lost without her. Hopelessly lost.

    • Maria  March 15, 2022 at 4:21 am Reply

      I lost my mom a month and a half ago and am feeling similarly. I need her and miss her so much. How can we carry on without them?

    • Kylie  March 22, 2022 at 12:04 am Reply

      I am so sorry Becky, I too lost my mum from breast cancer, it had also metastasised and spread to her liver. I’m also the youngest of 4, mum was my best friend but she was also my mum and my dad for a long time. I’d often copped it from my siblings for being mummy’s favourite….but mum hadn’t needed to play the role of Mum and dad for them so we had a different relationship. My mum was first diagnosed in 2016, we went straight through surgery where they had misdiagnosed the cancer cells and they had missed the fact that the cancer was in fact still there for 3 years following, so by the time they had discovered this, it was too late for anything. Within weeks of the news, I’d packed up and moved 6 hours to get back home to her. I was by her side at almost every appointment, fought for the oncologist to green light the chemotherapy she wanted knowing full well it would only buy her a little extra time….I slept on a chair by her side for weeks while she was in hospital, I did everything I could for her. She told me before she’d passed away, before the cancer got ugly she would always be with me….it has been just over 2 years since we lost her, she’s gone and I can’t feel her….I can’t feel anything other than the empty space that she used to fill, it still doesn’t feel real…..

  62. Diane  January 19, 2022 at 11:20 am Reply

    I could have written this myself, including the year my mom died. 2012. We were very close yet I have not even had a dream about her in 10 years! It bothers me but then I remind myself of our relationship… there is no need to second guess any of it. I loved her and I know she loved me. More than that she was my confident and friend.

  63. Jill Sangemino  January 17, 2022 at 1:38 pm Reply

    I lost my mom five years ago. She was my absolute everything. She was the best mother, best friend, best everything. I feel I haven’t gotten a sign in five years and I don’t know what to do anymore. I am still grieving and I cry and cry every single day. When she left so did I in a different way

    • Danni  February 18, 2022 at 4:33 am Reply

      Jill, I am so sorry for what you are going through. There is no time that heals our hearts after we have lost our mom’s. I am so sorry that you are still suffering so much. For me, I try to do things that my Mom would have done and honor her memory. She’s only been gone 8 months, but I try to live in the way she would want me to live. As a Mom myself I know I just want the best for my children, and I know your Mom and mine would just want the best for us, and for us to find happiness.
      Despite not feeling her, know that she left behind a part of herself in you. She lives on in you.

    • Chrissy  April 13, 2022 at 6:03 am Reply

      I am so truly sorry about your mom it’s been 7 years this month with my mom I think it just sucks we have to deal with that type of separation whoever “they” are who say “time heals all wounds” or “this too shall pass” evidently didn’t understand this kind of pain. I’m sending you some peaceful vibes

    • Someone  July 31, 2022 at 12:37 pm Reply

      My mom passed away recently. I’m heartbroken. She was my best friend and we were very close. We were talking about afterlife and “ghosts” on a daily basis. We had paranormal experiences together. We knew afterlife exists. I have been dreaming about the future for a while now. My mom believed that i’m some kind of medium/psychic, because of my dreams that came true. Still… after everything we went through. All of those experiences… and i don’t feel her. I barely dream about her. I dreamt about her two times since she passed away (two months ago). I don’t understand. I had signs though… she sent me signs. But i was expecting that she would be more active. Mom’s favorite topic to talk about was the afterlife… So I was expecting that she would be by my side and she would let me know.I don’t know but… i feel nothing. Just pain. And confusion. Where is my mom now? And why do i feel like she is avoiding me? I miss her so much. Part of me died with her.

  64. Shae  January 14, 2022 at 6:33 pm Reply

    My mom dies 1/12/2021. Its been 1 year. I didn’t feel her last year and I don’t feel her now. I feel deep pain when I think about her. I feel disbelief when I look at her pictures. She’s not supposed to be gone. She wasn’t ready to die and I wasn’t ready for her to die. I even had a premonition that she was declining and wouldn’t live past her last birthday, but it happened too soon. That premonition still didn’t prepare me for the coming weeks. I long to hear her voice and feel her presence and know that she’s okay and that she’s with me. I long to know that I’m making her proud. I long for my mother.

    • Nikita  February 4, 2022 at 2:50 pm Reply

      I feel same, just lost my mom 47 days ago, I feel the same pain.. each word u wrote, is exactly how I feel. I m lost! I miss her way too much

      • Leanne  March 20, 2022 at 6:52 pm

        I feel your pain my mum passed on. 8/01/22
        Everyday feels like ground hog day, it was so unexpected! My life’s been a blur since and I can’t accept any of this is real.. I feel like I’m watching someone else’s life not mine…. I love and miss my mum more than words can explain, when mum was alive we’d sit in her garden and if we ever saw a robin she’d always say it’s a sign from a loved one, the week after she died I was driving alone in the car when I said out loud mum please send me a sign, sent me a robin…. I went on with my day as Normal and forgot about this till I pulled up at home and nearly went into full meltdown until something caught my eye, right next to me on the fence landed a robin 💕 I hope all you girls are ok our mums will be proud and although we can’t feel them I believe they’re always around us

  65. Gretchen  January 14, 2022 at 4:56 am Reply

    If feeling your loved one only happens when you are grieving the most like 3am, or when your favorite song comes up or when you talk about them….then I guess I’m feeling my husband around me a lot. I completely understand though. When I went to visit my husband’s grave it just looked like a pile of dirt. I certainly didn’t feel him there.
    I know I have the ability to continue on, so many more challenges and fun times ahead I’m sure and I’ll be looking for my dear husband “in all the familiar places”. He died in October 2021. He was a war hero, the toughest guy anyone knew and someone who we were sure if anyone would bounce back from Covid he would, but unfortunately did not. Simply put he was my hero. We had a successful 26 year marriage. 3 kids who have grown and miss him terribly. We will survive and move forward, but without him we will have more tears throughout it all.

  66. Thomas Engler  January 10, 2022 at 2:54 pm Reply

    Thomas Engler January 10, 2022

    I am so sorry for all of the people on this site that are in pain. Many have the same deep sorrow as I. My soul mate Kay passed on July 19, 2021 at 7:52 am. We were married for over 53 years and together for 56 years. We had 2 wonderful children and 5 grandchildren. I have been a complete wreck at times
    since she passed. I cry uncontrollably during the day or wake up crying. I miss her so much. My kids both have families and have been great, but this is the first time in my life I am alone. I am without my soul mate and best friend. We both agreed our life together was magical and our love everlasting. I was alone with her for 2 years and Covid during her illness. She passed from cancer but had the opportunity to see all the family before she left in July. We both agreed we had no regrets. We traveled the earth and loved being together. She was a wonderful mother and grandmother, but she was an extrordinary wife. I too have been told “she is with you always”. She told me that “if the Afterlife is so great why would anyone leave there to come back here.” Nonetheless, I and my kids have prayed for her to let us know she is ok, over and over. While we have all received “signs” after asking, we have not had any dreams nor appearances from Kay. The signs are not always obvious, but sometimes you have to really look. Some have been blue jays or cardinals sitting on our porch or window and staring when we are talking about her . Double rainbows, a white feather at my feet while washing her car. Albino Cranes appearing to me while I walked (very rare birds, usually not north of Florida) after asking her for a “slap your face” sign. I should be happy, but, I have had no warm feeling nor spiritual visit. I am considering a psychic medium visit. I thought that our love would be forever and go beyond death. I have seen a counselor and attended work shops on Grief to work through the pain. I know there are many others who grieve as I do. My heart is broken and my soul aches. Grief never ends, I am told, but eventually it is managable. I believe I will see her again in the Afterlife and I am ready.

  67. Samantha  January 6, 2022 at 5:26 pm Reply

    I lost my mum on the 27/11/2021 to Ovarian Cancer.
    It all happened very quick diagnosed in August, we were told was treatable then she started being sick and by 21/11/2021 we were dealt the blow of pallative care, she died 6 days later.
    She was 70 and I had turned 40 on the 22/11.
    She was amazing mum and nan, my world fills so empty without her.
    She was my best friend, we ran a villa business together in Greece (she was still working this August), we danced together at my dance fitness classes and taught children tap and modern with me.
    She directed our local pantomimes whilst I choreographed.
    To have to do it all without her just seems impossible.
    Miss you and love you mum xx

  68. Katarina  December 26, 2021 at 12:00 pm Reply

    I just need my mum back! I haven’t felt her around me at all! I thought I would as I had a very strong visitation from my fiance who died years ago. I’m so confused. Life without her can feel so harsh, cold, frightening and empty I can’t understand how she can just be gone.

    • LINDA CHAKLOS  July 16, 2022 at 1:52 am Reply

      My beautiful husband passed away on 12/25/21. Unexpected. I had a few visits when it first happened. I told him that I wasn’t afraid when he came to visit. The first one was a shooting star. The second one was I saw his body but not his face. And the 3rd one I could smell him. There are so many questions I need to ask. We were so connected that I had a premonition that something bad was happening. Sure enough he passed away. I keep a journal. I have been writing in it since January. I talk to his picture every night. It just sucks. I miss him so much it still hurts badly. I love him. I still consider myself married. That’s never gonna change. The main thing that I miss is hearing his voice. I miss his touch. I miss everything about him. I don’t why I haven’t received any more visits.

  69. Lisa  December 25, 2021 at 6:21 pm Reply

    My mom died November 9th 2021 I have yet to feel her anywhere near me. I’ve always been into supernatural in the paranormal I even believe in life after death and out of body experiences so I thought I would be able to feel something but I don’t.

    I miss her so much we were so close she’s lived with me and my husband for the last 8 years. My mom died 10 days after she turned 80. It hurts so bad I don’t know what to do without her here.

    I just wish she would get me some sort of a sign that she’s happy and I can tell her I love her and miss her.

    • Nikita  February 4, 2022 at 2:59 pm Reply

      My mom died dec 21, 2021. I am also waiting for signs.. I feel sad when I am alone, I feel sad when I m distracted also, I have just been told that I will never feel a physical presence cuz she left me physically.. I dnt knw whether to even hope for a sign but I do remember her talks and how she guided me at stuff.. whenever I face a situation, my mind tells me what she used to say.. just trying to feel better with the guidance she gave me before leaving.
      Ur mom knows u love her and u miss her, just cuz of ur bond with her.. u should tell her everyday- out in the air- u love her! At least do ur part.. and if she listens, she will smile n say she loves you too.

  70. Michelle Cummings  December 12, 2021 at 1:21 am Reply

    I just lost my mom. 12/5/21. She had COPD. I have been her soul caregiver for 7 years. What journey. She made it to Lung transplant List, was on it for 9 months. They found basil cell in her tearduct. Then Lung CA. She was taken off the list. She gave up. She steadily declined. So very sad to watch. No help from my siblings. They had lives to lead. Thank God for my husband. He was my rock. My mom passed in his arms. I never new my heart could as it does. I can only pray, it’s foes get better.

  71. Darla Gill  December 11, 2021 at 1:41 pm Reply

    Thank you! My 16 year old daughter died in August. Ive heard all these parents say they “feel” their kids presence and I do not.

  72. Margaret  December 9, 2021 at 3:20 am Reply

    Im so devasted I lost my ms year just a week ago November 30 2021 the Lord understands her death but I never and my hearts in a milliom.piecesm God give me the strength to help this be easier on me

  73. Cass  December 5, 2021 at 6:52 am Reply

    I lost my mom nov 20th 2021 8 days prior to her 82 nd birthday I’m a 50 y old man that has always been around mom she was taken bye cancer and chf she fought a good fight me and mom was best friends we spent almost everyday around each other definitely not the normal mother son relationship do I miss her I do I stare at her chair morning and night did it hurt to hold her hand when she passed it did how I ask do you move on as she said I must do with all the pain you feel missing that best friend that is now gone 🥲

    • Kathy  December 8, 2021 at 7:03 pm Reply

      I have gone through and read all of your comments. My heart breaks for each and every one of you. I know the grief you feel. I too lost my Mom, February 3, 2006. Almost 16 years ago. I am sorry to say, the heartbreak and grief you all feel right now, never leaves you, but it will get better. I too was very close to my mom, I was the only daughter with 4 brothers. I always lived close to my mom. She was everything to me. My best friend. I watched my Mom pass on a ventilator. My dad couldn’t make the choice to turn it off, it was left to me. My mom always wanted me with her going to the doctor. I would always stay with her in the hospital, sleeping there, only going home to shower and change, many times, not even that. Mom left her medical choices up to me, she knew I would do what was best for her. She had Rheumatic Fever when she was a little girl that weakened her heart and lungs. The last week of her life, at the 7th day before, a White Dove sat on our roof, and each day up until the day she died, a new White Dove would join the ones there. One the day my mom passed, there were 7 White Doves. My husband would climb up on the roof and they would let him hand feed them. On that 7th day, I had gone home to shower and change, my husband crawled up and fed the Doves, they were in a straight line on the peak. I got a call from the Nurse in ICU, for me to come back, mom needed me. We left right away, but my mom passed not 2 minutes before I got there. She knew I was coming, knew she couldn’t leave me. Once we had gotten back home, we looked for the Doves but they had left. They had come to take my mama home. When she passed, I know she joined them and flew home. I believe they were angels. There to prepare me for what was about to happen. They would just sit there, calm, trusting as my husband crawled along the roof and fed them. I loved her more than I could have ever realized when she was alive. Doctors told me it would take me 2 years to get through the 5 stages of grief. He was correct. At 2 years, it’s not that you are ok with the loss, you handle it differently. In those first 2 years, life was hell. Then, at night, I would feel my soul weep. I could actually hear and feel my soul sob. I would wake up, and be completely wore out. So all of you have a rough road ahead of you.
      I was lucky in that, after my mom passed, she would visit me often. Even my husband would know when she was and is around.
      Keep watching for your Moms. THEY ARE WITH YOU. Maybe, your trying to hard, not seeing the little signals from her. I think sometimes, your mom may think you are not ready to hear from her. Maybe she thinks you need to get a little more time to let your soul heal before she touches you. But she will. One day, something will happen that will bring a memory of her rushing back, something special you and her shared, it is her, telling you she loves you. She will visit you when you are ready in your dreams. I have them so vivid, that I know I went to heaven with her, saw where she lives and it’s where I will find her. Your Mothers will too. Just have patience and faith. Talk to her. I assure you, you may not see her, but she is there right next to you. Keep stepping forward. Let your heart and soul begin to heal. When she sees that, you will feel her, see her signs that she is waiting for you. God Bless All of you. Remember, you will never rid all the sorrow and loss from your heart, but in time, you will feel better, the fog will part. I know that is what happened to me. My heart still aches, my soul still sobs sometimes in my sleep, but I know she is happy.

      • Kathy  February 25, 2022 at 10:27 pm

        Thank you for your words..My mom passed 2/7/22…it is still very fresh…I bet I say ” oh momma ” out loud at least 100 times a day.
        I miss her so much!

  74. Brianna  December 5, 2021 at 1:16 am Reply

    My sister passed away almost 1 year ago. I am not even sure what has happened this past year. I have been completely absent. I feel like I’m floating around and detached. This can’t be reality? My sister and I were EXTREMELY close, in constant contact always and were best friends. I have not been able to feel her at all. I do all the things you have talked about. I try talking to her, writing to her, I also have 4 tattoos in remembrance of her. I’ve been so upset about not feeling her. Everyone always tells me she’ll visit me when the time is right but I’m beginning to feel like it won’t happen. Her best friend and some of my close friends and even people who weren’t all that close with her have had dream visits and I’ve had none. I’m kind of at a loss. Thank you for your words

  75. Em  December 1, 2021 at 3:32 am Reply

    That is when I feel my husband too; When I feel a sadness do deep it almost takes my breathe away

  76. Roan  November 17, 2021 at 4:45 pm Reply

    I lost my mother April of 2020. She stopped smoking after her second heart attack at 65. And at 77 was diagnosed with lung cancer.

    She died April 24, 2020, one day after her 78th birthday, three months after her diagnosis.

    She was not an old old person. She ran her own business until the day of her diagnosis, when she stopped.

    She threw her own, “Death Becomes Her” party where everyone in her business world and personal friends and, of course, adult children were invited. Open bar. Tons of food. Lots of chit-chat and laughter.

    Then she was placed on hospice, took her first dose of morphine and anti-anxiety medication. And that was the last I saw of my mother. Not physically, of course. But the person that was to evolve from there on out was not my mother. She became mean and verbally abusive — something my sister, her main caretaker, took the brunt of.

    I stayed mostly absent. And drunk. And that’s the truth of it. I don’t feel a lot of guilt about that. She was being cared for at home, which was 30 miles from me, and we were all shut down and homebound for the beginning of COVID. My husband operates a store where he comes into contact with many people, and I was so scared that I would catch COVID and take it to her, and she would catch it, and have to be removed from her beautiful home as she died and it would be my fault.

    When I did visit her a couple times a week, I kept a distance, and suited up, as it were.

    We had some excellent nurses who alerted us when the end was near. So at that point all us children gathered around and waited. We were there for her last breath, which was, I must admit, anti-climactic. You hear stories of a death rattle and things. None of that happened. I had to touch her because I wasn’t even convinced she had stopped breathing.

    And just like that she was gone.

    I don’t miss her any more today than I did the first moment she took morphine, because after she took the morphine I never spoke to my mother again. Not literally. I mean, I never spoke to the woman I knew as my mother again. The morphine/cancer/dying woman was a different person I didn’t have the time to get to know or understand.

    I thought I would feel her, but I don’t. My sisters say they smell smoke. I don’t. I don’t smell anything. I don’t sense anything. I don’t feel anything.

    And that’s unusual for me. I have visitations all the time, and I have experiences all the time starting when I was 5 years old and my great-grandmother, whom I never met, visited me and rocked by my bed at night. She died very old, but when I saw her she was in her thirties.

    I’ve felt virtual strangers. The house my mother died in was purchased from a family whose mother was in the nursing home. Ms. Garrett. When Ms. Garrett died, I knew she had passed because she would bake in the kitchen and you would walk in to this warm, grandmother energy with this delicious smell of baking. And I knew it wasn’t my mother. She worked 15 hours a day and she didn’t bake. She barely cooked.

    I didn’t even know Ms. Garrett and I knew she was there.

    But not my mother. Not.A.Single.Thing.

    I did have a dream about her once. I don’t know if it was a visit. Usually my visits feel a certain way, and this didn’t really feel like that. But it wasn’t quite dreamy, either. So I don’t know.

    In the dream, I’m walking through her house — the house she died in — the old Garrett house — and she says to me, “So you’ve been looking into your past and doing all that healing sh**, huh?” And I said, “Yeah, Mom, I’m kind of liking it.” And she said, “Well, it’s all bullsh**.”

    And then I woke up. And it was totally something my mother would say and completely the attitude she would have.

    But nothing else.

    She wasn’t a tender person, you know? She wasn’t butterflies and pansies and things like that. She did love hummingbirds.

    She would have never wanted me to see her weak or think of her as weak. Which I never really understood. She didn’t mind if my sister saw her weak. But she wouldn’t allow me.

    She was truly the strongest, most capable, beautifully brilliant, humbly naive, fantastically fun person I have ever known.

    She was the love of my life. And I miss her beyond description. And I really wish I could feel her.

  77. Amanda  November 7, 2021 at 2:07 am Reply

    I lost my BEST FRIEND on July 27, 2021 – to a disease called ANNA-1 (less than 3% of the population get it…way to go mom, lol). This is for you Mommy.
    This is going to be a long post. But I appreciate those who will read it. I am 33 years old. My parents met when they were 16. They were married in 1981. My brother was born in 1983. My mom wanted a daughter so bad and they both kept trying. But every test was a negative. So they just gave up and said if they’re meant to have a daughter, they will. She always joked with me that I was stubborn. In 1988, SURPRISE! Manda is here 🙂
    Both of my parents always worked their butts off to give my brother and I what we NEEDED, but not always what we wanted. I had a VERY open relationship with both of my parents. I could talk to both of my parents about anything. And I mean ANYTHING! Nothing was off limits. Growing up, most teenagers have that phase where if their parents told them no, they would mutter under their breath that they hated them. I never had that. They let me experience life, while they were in the background watching. I may get shamed for this, but when I was around 13(ish), during special holidays, we all would share one or two airplane shots of alcohol as a family and just be together. I had the best parents.
    As a teenager I did minor mistakes like lie about where I was and normal teenage things. She was always the buffer between my dad and I. He wanted to be a little more strict at times but she talked him out of it. I did get in trouble a lot but they were still there for me. My dad was a trucker driver so I was naturally around my mom more than my dad. The things that woman did to make sure I went to school with shined/polished shoes, clothes ironed perfectly, went to every softball game, drove me 30 minutes each way to spend the night at a friend’s house, stayed up late just talking, played games, went shopping, nail salons, 90% of the time we ate a home cooked meal (at the table with all 4 of us – only one rule…no phones at the table), etc. It gave us a chance to talk about our days and just be a family. For my 18th birthday, as a graduation present, my parents sent me and my then first serious boyfriend to Jamaica for a week. They told us where to find certain herbs on the island (don’t judge), what restaurants to eat at, things to try, and so on. Blah blah blah, just giving a little back story.
    Before this, my brother lives in Washington, my parents live in Kentucky and I live in West Virginia (25 mins from my parents.) At the end of February 2021, my mom informed me that she had her first ever seizure the night before, and she blacked out for 20 minutes. Ok, kinda scary but she was showing no other signs that something was wrong. She wouldn’t go to the doctor for 2 weeks because she’s stubborn also (must be where I get it from). Finally we all talked her into checking into the ER for tests. They ran a bunch of scans and told her they would call her with the results. A couple weeks pass and I could see little things that were different about her. She started forgetting little things but nothing too serious. She had a few small panic attacks but basically seemed ok. In March, the hospital (that is 15 minutes from me – locations are very important, you’ll see why later) called her and said pack your bags, get in here now! Umm, what?? Cue my first panic. I told my mom that I would be there everyday with her.
    Once she was admitted, my dad informed me that (due to COVID), she was allowed ONE visitor per stay and we could not rotate days. UGH! Sucks but ok, this is what we have to do. My dad was there EVERY day with her and would send me pictures of her every once in awhile. I was so glad she had someone there with her everyday and I’m glad it was my dad. He told me “If anyone is going to be with her, it was going to be him.” Again, ugh but ok. She was in hospital for about a month, having 46 tiny seizures every night. The hospital she was in is a decently funded hospital but they do not have every machine for every disease. They couldn’t figure out what was wrong with her. My brother decided to fly in to be with my dad when I couldn’t. My brother texted me and said that he was getting ready to go into the hospital to see my mom. Wait…what?? What about me??
    (My brother left for the Air Force in 2001, and he hasn’t lived with my parents since. But I couldn’t be away from them. They’re all I have.)
    Ok, well since you haven’t seen her in a few years, ok, just tell mom that I love her. My dad did everything to get him in for a day. The next day, he goes back again. This is where I lose it. I did not want to push my dad out of the room, but while he went outside to smoke, I wanted to sneak up there and just hug her for 5 minutes every once in awhile. He didn’t want to jeopardize him being kicked out by sneaking me in and I get that, but he did it for my brother. So I called dad and said, “I’ll be there in 10 mins, stay outside!” Luckily my brother was there and he kept my dad outside. I snuck up and just sat with her and watched this beautiful lady sleep for the first time in a long time. I rubbed her hair and told her over and over how much I loved her and how she was going to get better and we’d all laugh at this one day. When she woke up, she didn’t know why she was in the hospital, didn’t know it was 2021, thought the president was Trump, and she kept asking why she couldn’t just go home. I witnessed for the first time this smart woman who did AutoCADD as a job (meaning she had brains) not know anything. Where was my mommy? She knew who I was thankfully. I did my best to calm her. I stayed with her for 20 minutes while my dad and brother ran errands. Before I knew it, visiting hours were over and I had to hug her goodbye.
    A month passed and she was having stable symptoms, seemed decent so the doctors decided to discharge her hoping the change in surroundings would give her a change of pace and help her heal. SHE GOT TO COME HOME! And I called off work the day they let her come home. I was NOT missing this! We got to their house and got her settled and I didn’t want to leave. But I have kids and I had to be a mommy too. I called and talked to her everyday while my daughter was in school and my boyfriend and me worked the next week. I went to see her the next weekend. She looked like my mommy, but she stopped taking care of herself. This was a woman who wouldn’t check the mail or go to the gas station without freshly ironed clothes, polished nails, hair done, makeup, heels, jewelry, the whole nine! Her teeth were beginning to yellow, her fingers were unpolished and yellow (she was a smoker), but she still looked so beautiful to me. She started to ask the same questions over and over and I answered them like it was her first time asking me. She kept telling me she was sooooo scared and I have never heard that from her. I kept saying she would be alright and I’ll get to see her grow old and watch her curl her white hair.
    A month passed and we get a call from the hospital. One of her scans came back and they didn’t like the results. They couldn’t actually say for sure what was wrong (limited means), but they didn’t like it. She was to pack her bags again and come back in for a room in ICU until Cleveland Clinic had an opening for her. They’re a little more advanced than a little old WV hospital Fudge!!! Alright, second run at thus hospital crap. A week or two after she was admitted into ICU, she was not getting better. They tried everything possible to help her. One decision was to put her into an induced coma to ‘reset’ her brain activity. She was under for 24 hours. They extended the coma for another 48 hours. She finally was brought out of it and she showed little improvement. YES! Baby steps! After the coma, I was begging my dad to let me in one more time before she was shipped 4 hours away from me. (The furthest I’ve been away from her, in my whole life, was about 25 miles). My brother talked my dad into letting me see her again. I got to feed her soup that I blew off so it wouldn’t burn her mouth (I spilled a few drips on her napkin bib that I put on her which we both laughed at), hand her soda, change her TV, make sure she was warm and comfy. She winked at me and told me I was the best and that she loved me. I hated for her to see a tear come out of eye. I hugged and kissed her as much as I could before I left. About a week later Cleveland had a bed for her. And off she went. I did not have a decent car to go on an 8 hour round trip to see her. I had to stay behind and watch their house and dogs. I would text her everyday and she would answer when she could. One day, she never answered. Dad told me she got her phone taken away from her because she called 911 because she couldn’t find her dogs. Whoops! Good job mom! :D. So all contact was done between her and I. My birthday is in July and I never got a phone call from her. Mid July, all the doctors, my mom’s brother, my brother, my dad and myself had a phone conference. They finally diagnosed her with a small patch of lung cancer. Her body produced (I’m no doctor so bear with me) antibodies to fight it off. The antibodies ended up attacking her whole body from the inside out. At the beginning of the conversation I heard my mommy say, “Happy birthday baby!” I wish I recorded that because that would be the last time I’d hear a happy birthday from my mom. During the conversation, my dad spoke up and said, “How much longer does she have?” Of course they couldn’t give a time of death on a living being. She had one month to one year left to live. My WHOLE world was shattered by those words. I almost broke my hand. One of my friends made it a point to take me on the 8 hour round trip to see my mom. They all knew how I couldn’t see her when she was so close to me. I got to see her one last time with her eyes open. She remembered my friend but not me. I got to hold her one more time while she was moving around. I hugged her, rubbed her back, scratched her head, changed her diaper, and talked with her for the last time. The look in her eyes scared the s*** out of me. I have never seen her look at me that way. I have never seen her so scared, hopeless, defeated. (She lost her mom when I was 16, her dad when I was 24 and she never cried in front of me. She would tear up but never bawled in front of me. She had to be a strong mommy for my brother and me).
    I joked with her saying when God calls her home, she better let me know she’s ok. She gave a faint smile and moaned when I told her she did her job as a mommy and it was my turn now. I barely got the words ‘Go home’ to your parents out. And she drifted off the sleep (seizure medication took a lot out of her). I told her I loved her and I’d see her soon. July 15th(ish) my dad called me at work and asked when I can take time off. I knew it. The doctors called my dad and told him that they didn’t know how much longer they could keep her alive. I told him I’d leave right now, just say the words. My dad, my daughter and me raced back up to Cleveland for the final time. (My daughter hasn’t seen my mom this whole time. I asked my daughter if she wanted to go see ‘Morey’, her name for my mom, one more time and she told me her bag was already packed). So off we went. When I saw her again, her breathing was very labored, forced, and she had no life. She would sit up when she heard us in the room, but that was all we got out of her. All three of us said our Cleveland goodbyes and we told her she’ll be close to home in two days.
    My dad and I did everything we could to get her as close to home as possible when hospice was ready for her. She ended up in a nursing home (midway between their house and mine), and my dad took the oxygen off of her once she was settled (she wouldn’t want to live like that and we all knew it). She held on for two days, almost like she was waiting on family to come in before she left. We all went home on July 26th, planning on being back at the nursing home first thing in the AM.

    We we’re too late. She went home bright and early the next morning, alone, with no family around her to comfort her. She passed, at age 59, two months shy of their 40th anniversary.

    My mom was my BEST FRIEND! I hope that my dad didn’t tell her that I didn’t want to see her this whole time. I feel that’s why I can’t feel her. My mom and I believe in the afterlife. I have had 4 dreams about her and in every dream she has hugged everyone else, but me. My boyfriend had a dream about her too. In his dream, she walked into our living room, I was cooking or something, and she sat him down on the couch and told him, “Don’t let anyone forget about me!” He tried to get her into the kitchen to see me but she wouldn’t go. She always called me her angel. Why am I being punished? Why won’t she hug me? I just want to see her one more time and let her know that I’ll always need her in my life. I have always been somewhat depressed, but for the first time in my life, I AM BROKEN! I AM DEAD INSIDE! She took a part of me with her. I feel so bad because my kids are suffering because I’m withdrawn. How did she do it with us? I’m trying to be strong. She taught me everything in life – except how to live without her. I feel so guilty that I get to wake up everyday, but that innocent angel doesn’t.

    Sorry for the HUGE rant, but it feels good to get it off my chest. Any advice would be helpful…

    Thank you!! <3

  78. Kathryn  November 4, 2021 at 8:59 pm Reply

    I lost my mama January 20, 2019. My soul is forever broken. I’ve really been missing her. I stumbled upon this article, which happened to have been written in my birthday. I needed this. Thank you.

  79. Michelle Ricci  November 1, 2021 at 10:00 pm Reply

    She couldn’t let go until you left I truly believe that….does it tell you anything? You were there for a week straight and she didn’t let go until you left…I didn’t know at the time but she told her Social worker that she didn’t want my sister and I to witness her taking her last breath…..my mom and I were so close she lived with me for over 20 years….since I was 17….I told her I was going home to shower and sleep in my bed for one night but my daughter was coming…..she said ok honey so love you so much and she hugged me so tight…she had no strength but that night she hugged me tighter than she ever had… please excuse my writing , I’m crying as I read this….my daughter got there shortly after I got home and said momma she is going now esponsive and I can’t wake her up but since she had been doing this on and off o wasnt too worried, well that was on a Thursday and she didn’t wake up after that…that is what they call transitioning in the hospice world. Sunday comes and her little lips were so cracked and so dry so I got one of those green glycerine sticks (they look like a lollipop) omg she opened her mouth and starting sucking on it because she was so dehydrated, my sister said her breathing was shallow, I think o was already in shock because I knew we were losing her…all I was thinking was omg omg why didn’t I get her ice chips or something this whole time ( the nurses told her not to put any liquid in her mouth bc she could choke) but omg ice chips would hurt…why didn’t I think of that!….so I go almost robot like and said very calmly can I get ice chips and btw my mother is barely breathing…the nurse got up to go to her room to check her vitals and said she’s going….my sister said a few hours maybe? He said no a few seconds. As we stand there watching her take her last breath it was like I was standing in a horrible nightmare , surely it’s not our mom that’s dying…well it was like that for months and I never felt that she was with me.We would joke and laugh and I would say momma if I go first I will make sure to get a message to you and she would say stop I have lost two children God would never take you from me but when I die I swear you will know I’m with you..:well like you I’m waiting….sometimes I feel that somebody is with me and I have never believed in things like that…..it’s so weird ….I feel a presence so strong I’ll look behind me….I would give anything to see or hear her . I am a Christian and my mom always taught me that you have to be careful of psychics or things like that …if not for that I would have already contacted one….I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to say all of this I was just going to say that I feel what you are feeling. I never have written about this and it feels really therapeutic…. Thankyou!…:Michelle Ricci (that is my Facebook name also…I live in Louisiana)

  80. Byran  October 31, 2021 at 8:19 pm Reply

    I lost my son March 29 2021 and I believe he visited me the next day I found out about it. He didn’t speak or anything just stood in the corner and looked down upon me. Since then I haven’t had a thing. I wear his chain. I wear his clothes. He’s on my mind constantly. His mother says he comes quite often to her, but nothing for me. Did I not love him enough? He was my world so I doubt that , but it still creeps into my thoughts. Before he passed I got all kinds of signs to talk to him and spend as much time with him as I could. Now I just feel empty inside. I’ve did everything to honor him and I still feel as if I’m not doing something right.

    • Michelle Ricci  November 1, 2021 at 10:09 pm Reply

      Bryan I am so sorry a parent should never have to lose their child…..my heart is broken for you…my sister and I grieve together when tradegy happens but I couldnt this time but I told her I would hold her hand and walk with her..of course I grieve for him, he was my nephew and I loved him but I couldn’t imagine her pain…again she m so sorry and you are in my prayers.

  81. thegrievingheart  October 21, 2021 at 1:36 pm Reply

    I have been thinking of the exact same thing ever since my grandmom passed away last month. I have been looking for signs everywhere to feel her presence, but I can’t. Everytime I think of it, I am consumed by an overwhelming wave of guilt.

    I had come home to be with my grandparents due to the whole work from home situation. It was a blessing in disguise. But I feel guilty that I did not make use of the blessing like I should have. She loved me so much. To the extent where she would keep my favorite cup away inside her cupboard only to give me when I come home, and noone else. She would ask me a hundred million times about what I want to eat and drink even though I am not a fussy eater. She is probably the only one who pampered me in my entire life. And I lost that one person. In the last two months, she constantly asked me to spend time with her by sitting next to her every single day. And what did I do? I prioritized my work and alone time over everything else, and hardly spent time with her. I would do anything to get those moments back and spend every single day next to her, if I could turn back time. I had to lose her to the damned covid for me to realise how much I love her. God, I miss her so much.

    And now when I don’t feel her presence, I feel like, she is probably mad at me, that I did not spend time with her, like she wanted me to.

  82. Chelle  October 17, 2021 at 4:30 am Reply

    Cara Jeanne, may I ask what songs were favorites of hers that you had mentioned playing on her piano? Thx. 🎹🎶🎵

  83. Chelle  October 17, 2021 at 4:21 am Reply

    Reading Cara Jeanne’s story was like reading about my mom and me!!! I felt such sorrow for her yet strangely a comfort in that someone else on this earth feels so similar to how I’ve been feeling. It’s as if I’m not feeling completely alone! The world hasn’t been the same since she passed in hospice as well six years ago and the grief hasn’t diminished whatsoever. I know full well that my mom would want me to be happy. I never faced the grief after she passed although hospice had offered additional support. I’m glad that I found this site this evening and read Cara’s post that resonated with me so much. I’m grateful she shared her experience. I’m sending peace to all who grieve with us this evening and hope as well that we find some comfort through each day as we remember that love never dies. Blessings.

  84. Sharon  October 12, 2021 at 7:07 pm Reply

    My mom died 9 days ago. We’re so close. I was with her when she died. I do not feel her at all and I’m shocked and I feel so alone. She’s just gone! It’s so hard.

    • Chelle  November 5, 2021 at 2:23 am Reply

      Sharon I’m so sorry!! Life can be so cruel and hard as hell that I’ve at times questioned whether this lifetime might just indeed be “hell.” I hope that you have some support and reach out for perhaps any additional support if you feel the need. I bet you feel “shock” among many other emotions. I hope you are being kind to yourself (as can be) as well!!! Maybe we can’t feel anything from them with what is obvious to us and what we are most familiar on earth?? I don’t know so dam many different thoughts about that sort of stuff for me now. But Sharon, I will be praying for you and sending good vibes for comfort and peace. Blessings!!!

    • Irene  November 16, 2021 at 11:53 pm Reply

      Hi, Sharon. My mom died on September 17, 2021. She was my best friend and soul mate, and I also witnessed her last three gasps. When I’m alone now I call out to her and talk to her but I get no reply. I don’t feel any presence, but I haven’t quite given up yet. Yes, it’s very hard–especially if I’m having a bad day or someone is a jerk to me. She’s not here for me to talk to about it. Those are the hardest days for me.

  85. Kimberly  October 10, 2021 at 8:17 pm Reply

    Everyone talks about knowing their parent was dying. Cancer or other illness. I had no idea my mom was going to die. No signs whatsoever. I am an only child as far as my mom. She was and had always been my best friend and biggest supporter. I found my mother deceased in her kitchen floor September 10th 2021. I am numb. The day I found her I remember having a severe panic attack and couldn’t breathe I screamed over and over but I don’t remember crying. My husband said I did. I miss her more than I ever dreamed I could miss a person. I’m mad at God because I feel like he cheated me. I’m mad that I didn’t check on her sooner. I’m mad at my uncle who lives next door who had keys to the house and could have check on her any day. I wanna cry. I want to cry so hard that it exhausts me.I feel like I’m on autopilot and just going through the motions. I have business to take care of, her house to pack up and I think my mind can’t go any further than all of that just yet. I’m an only child which means I’m left to take care of everything including the funeral bill. My mom a no burial or life insurance. I’m hoping after all that is taken care of that I can finally just break down. I’m exhausted mentally and physically. None of this seems real to me. I’m lost.

    • Sky  October 14, 2021 at 12:51 am Reply

      You may be an only child, but you’re not alone in your grief, Kimberly. You may feel that you are, but you’re not. Lost my mother on September 20 & although I have 3 siblings, no one was involved in her care but me. I loved her more than anything. Been feeling unmoored in the last 3+ weeks. At best I feel bland, at worst I’m a bit of a mess. Deeply sorry for the loss & pain you’re enduring. Can’t take it away, but please know I join you in your grief.

      • David Lynch  December 21, 2021 at 10:02 pm

        I too was most involved with my mom’s care. She was positively the smartest most affectionate mother there could be. She was suddenly taken. Like yourself I too am a mess, no good days. It really is awful isn’t it??

    • Nicola  October 14, 2021 at 3:38 am Reply

      I am so very sorry for your loss 🙏🏻 I lost my dad in 2016, and it was the first family death I had ever felt. My grandparents all but one, died when I was a child and not really aware, and the last died during a period of dysfunction in the family, so I didn’t get to say goodbye. His death changed me as a person, and has blown my world apart. All the trauma of my childhood, to which he played a part in, has come to the surface, and I won’t lie, some days I don’t know how I live. I have tried to counteract this with looking for reasons to live, nature is a big influence for me. I feed birds, look at beautiful flowers, and try and be kind to all I meet. I suppose I’m just saying take everyday as it comes, every hour if need be. Reach out to friends and family, or even strangers, who have been through what you have been through! Talk about it, and it comes up and out, instead of festering inside. Speak, and treat yourself, with kindness and compassion. Your soul has had a beating, and needs time to heal. It’s a difficult road ahead, but one day it will be a gentle slope rather than a steep incline, and you’ll look back and see how far you’ve come. All the best to you and your family, I wish you well.

    • Sophia Rodriguez  October 23, 2021 at 2:55 am Reply

      I’m so sorry to hear this..
      I am an only child as well, my mom passed away in July of this year.. I am 22 and I hadn’t physically seen my mom in 4 years because I cared too much about my current boyfriend to fly out and see her (you can imagine my guilt) but her and I would video call almost everyday and she was truly my best friend.. My mother struggled with addiction therefore my father had custody over me so our encounters with one another physically were limited as she lived in another state. I flew out for the funeral.. 1200 miles away from what i call home and the experience still feels like a fever dream. Some days are easier than others but tonight has been brutally painful to be honest. I miss her so much and long to hear her voice.. My mom passed away alone in her bed most likely from withdrawal. I can’t imagine the amount of pain she must have been in if you know anything about addiction. The toll it physically must’ve taken on her as she was passing makes me sick to think of. My mommy loved me dearly and would cry to me all the time about how much she wished she wasn’t ill and how badly she wanted to just be my mom and take care of me. I don’t have siblings as i stated and my friends don’t quite understand this grief because they haven’t experienced it .. It’s extremely lonely and conflicting and I would do anything to have at least one person to share my pain with. I missed my moms last phone call because I was out partying with friends. I feel this immense amount of guilt and emptiness inside that’s just so unbearable I force myself to not think about her too much because It just hurts so much I can’t stand it.
      As much as it saddens me to read these comments.. I also feel comfort in knowing I’m not alone with these confusing and some times dark thoughts.
      I sleep with the blankie my mom made me as a child every night.

  86. Susan  September 15, 2021 at 12:31 am Reply

    This is really beautiful, this really helped me today, its almost been 7 years and every year it just gets harder.

    • Connie  September 27, 2021 at 10:45 pm Reply

      I am so heartbroken, I am numb most days, I cannot begin to explain the emptiness I feel daily. My heart seems like it doesnt even work the same. I lost my mom in May 2021, I have yet to feel her presence maybe it’s because I cannot accept the fact that shes gone. I cant go on much more with this horrific pain I carry daily its unbearable. I need to know shes here and is with me so desperately please advise

      • Litsa  October 1, 2021 at 1:30 pm

        Connie, I would suggest you reach out to a grief counselor or a grief support group to help you cope with the immense pain you are feeling. If you are ever thinking of hurting yourself, please know that you can contact someone 24/7 at the suicide helpline https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ (for an online chat) or call 1-800-273-8255. They can be a huge support in the darkest of moments.

      • Dana Taylor  October 31, 2021 at 1:43 am

        I also am a only child..Mine dropped dead at the front door of her house October 5th 2021 just almost 4 weeks Tuesday.
        I’m devastated totally lost and shattered.
        I feel nothing as far as spiritual..I keep wondering if I ever will…I’ve packed her house moved my grown adult children in her house ive cleared out storage units..a box trailer and worked non stop to take care of all her belongings ..the most beautiful funeral..still no feeling of her presence…I know your pain.

  87. ANGIE S.  September 6, 2021 at 12:21 pm Reply

    I just lost my mother on 8/27/2021. We weren’t close, but I was her only child. I also sat with her all of the 5 days she was in the hospice in patient unit. I talked to her, I did everything people say to do when a loved one is dying. I cried over her when they called and said she passed. Both my mom and I believe in the after-life and I was really looking forward to communicating with her once she passed. But, just like the rest of the comments, I haven’t heard or seen anything yet. I do remember the day before she died, I went outside on my way to see her, and there must have been about 3 dozen dragonflies flying in my front yard, and I thought to myself, maybe her soul is free and that’s how she was telling me, even though neither of us idolized dragonflies. I did buy a dragonfly pendent months ago and she commented on it and how she never sees me wear jewelry anymore, and she really liked the one I had. Maybe the connection comes before they pass? I don’t know. I just know I already miss her daily calls for no reason except to ask silly questions-in hindsight it was loneliness rather than the thing she was calling about. Anyway, thanks for having this post, it helped a lot more than I thought it would.

    • Teri  October 18, 2021 at 12:52 am Reply

      My mom passed 8/23/2021. I keep waiting to “feel” her. I never really believed in an after life, but I was sure if there was one, she’d let me know. She’d find a way to communicate to me. She was the strongest person I knew, if anyone could do it, she would be able to do it. I don’t like when people tell me that she’s always with me, that she’s watching over me. Bc I don’t feel that way at all. I feel empty. Maybe one day, I’ll feel her. I try. I try, but I don’t feel her at all. And it’s just a sad reminder when people say that she’ll always be with me. I feel the opposite. I feel her gone. I feel her missing. People say that eventually things will remind me of her and make me smile, but all the things that remind me of her, make me miss her and cry. This is a loss I could never have fathomed. I just feel alone without her.

      • David  December 25, 2021 at 8:07 pm

        I feel the exact same way, it’s as if I wrote this. I always knew that once this dreaded day arrived it would be horrific but it’s even worse. The mood swings and emptiness are unbearable. I’m trying but I just don’t know anymore. Hope you’re feeling better, not quite sure I ever will.

  88. Kelley  September 2, 2021 at 8:17 pm Reply

    I needed so badly to read that someone else is going through/has gone through this. I lost my mom almost exactly three months ago. We had a tumultuous relationship, but I know that the love was always there. I had hoped that maybe after her life on earth without the alcoholism present that she and I could at last have the relationship I always wanted with her. I talk to her constantly, but I never see, hear, or feel anything in return. I feel abandoned. I just wish so badly I were more sensitive to what is beyond the here and now.

    • Tanya Nazar  October 1, 2021 at 10:33 am Reply

      I lost my son 22 months ago.i feel worse now than ever did . Gets harder .I see so many people have dreams of loved ones .I so wish everyday for a visit sign and nothing .why don’t I? His 30 birthday was Dec 2 he died dec 6 .dec is the worse month his bday his death day them xmas without him ..I tried asking him I have pics all over of him but nothing. His brother has dreams all the time .family have recieved messages through mediums I think.and me nothing .

    • Karen  October 4, 2021 at 3:45 pm Reply

      I stumbled across this article when I needed it the most. I had a very close relationship with my Dad, who I lost a little more than two months ago. My Dad was of the belief that ‘you don’t know until you go’. His death was expected. And we had some talks, where I told him that I would welcome visits from the other side. And that I believe in mediums. After he passed, and I was saying my goodbye, I asked him to visit often. Since he’s passed, I’ve cried out for his spirit daily. I keep asking and waiting for ‘signs’ that he’s okay. Anytime I hear about someone experiencing an undoubted sign their lives one is okay, I can’t help but wonder, why not me? I want to see a medium. However, there is so much riding on it being a positive experience, that I keep putting it off. If nothing else, it’s a comfort to hear others who can relate.

  89. Carole  August 29, 2021 at 3:27 pm Reply

    I lost my Dad eight years ago.
    I was extremely close to him. He was the trunk of our family tree. I am one of six children.
    Three boys and three girls. Since by Dad has passed I haven’t felt his presence. If I dream of him , of course I do not remember.
    I went to a sympathy meduim once . She certainly made me feel like he was with me. She told me that my Dad was telling her that he was always in my car with me. She said she heard loud music. Which is true I always play loud music while driving. She also told me things that she could of never known. She also mentioned family members names that where with my Dad at the time of our session. My question is, why don’t I feel him or hear him. I do believe that after we die there is another life. A life of pure love, joy, and happiness.
    But why can’t I feel him? Feel his presence ? Is it because I am grieving still. A lot.

  90. Rebecca Welch  August 14, 2021 at 2:56 am Reply

    Thank you so much for sharing I really needed to hear this tbh I lost both my grandad and mom to covid January this year and it absolutely has tore my life apart I feel like a big part of me is missing without my mom and grandad at my side I got really upset when I couldnt really feel her especially when I went to visit her grave whenever I’m upset I talk to her and just wanted to feel something other than heartache and so alone my sister who was with her when she died said that she could feel the signs that my mom was with her and I got really upset like maybe I’d let her down and wasnt good enough but your right we cant always feel the presence of those we lose but it doesnt mean they aren’t with us because in our hearts they can never be replaced I’ve got to let go of feeling so guilty and the pressure of trying to keep that bond alive we dont always feel or see the signs that our loved ones are with us but that doesnt mean they arent X

    • Terri Watson  April 27, 2022 at 2:04 am Reply

      I lost my dear mother 3 weeks ago today. We were extraordinarily close, best friends. I’m a believing Christian so I know she is, and that I will see her again. But I’ve wondered about how aware our deceased loved ones are of us and if they were with us. I was convinced that was true, but now I am not so sure. My mom is in the presence of God, free of all the things she struggled with at the end. She will always love me, and her love is with me and a part of me. But maybe for this time of separation I need to trust God with her, and ask Him to help me continue on her legacy of love into others, as she did. And remember her and honor her but moving forward in my life as she would want me to.

      The pain of not having her hurts so much right now that it sometimes takes my breath away. But thinking on these things have helped. I pray for all of us as we walk through this tunnel that gradually we can walk back into life again.

  91. Shelly  August 7, 2021 at 10:48 pm Reply

    I lost my mother 8 years ago and it hurts no less then the day I lost her. I have PTSD due to the things that took place during that horrible time. I get angry as I don’t feel it was right she had to die. I miss my mom and I need her and I’m never gonna see her or hug her or hear her voice again and even tho 8 years has passed I can’t seem to feel any better.

  92. Cece  June 29, 2021 at 8:59 pm Reply

    I feel exactly how this article is stating when my dad passed I smelled him heard his voice my mom has passed and I don’t feel her hear her only filmy sadness

    • Leanne  July 18, 2021 at 2:39 am Reply

      This is me exactly, except I haven’t seen a medium though I want to. Nearly 3 months since I lost Mum and I desperately want to feel her presence but I don’t and it’s so upsetting. I know how much she loved us all and I can’t understand how some people feel their loved ones and some of us can’t 😢

      • Lindsey  August 14, 2021 at 12:40 am

        I have struggled so hard to feel my grandma. I want her to talk to me in my dreams but she only has once since she passed Nov ’19. I pray, I cry, I try to remember everything about her and everything she ever said, I hold her pictures and her letters and I ask God why He won’t let me feel her. I think about everything that I am probably doing wrong so she doesn’t want me to feel her near me. Sometimes though, things go really right for me and I know she had something to do with it. Even then, I want her to be with me, with me. Like by my side chatting with me.

        What you wrote is the first time I had someone describe what I long for. Grandma wasn’t a Jedi and neither am I, I guess. I hope that she knows how much I miss her and love her.

      • myra  September 11, 2021 at 6:50 pm

        Hi, I feel exactly like you. I lost mum on 22nd July. She had a stroke and was utterly miserable before she died. Because of the person she was, very loving and maternal, I imagined I would feel her near me always and that there would be “signs.” I have felt nothing and feel disappointed because of this. However, I dearly hope that she is at peace, but mum, let me know you are near.

    • Goldi  December 12, 2021 at 8:21 pm Reply

      Me and my grandmother were very close at one point but 2013 we weren’t so close anymore because of family drama my grandma didn’t speak to me since 2013 9 years but it’s ok because she was being controlled by my aunt at least I felt so and whatever so she went to hospice and I got to see her and tell her thank you for everything wake up I told her I love her they said she had 4 days to live but needed up living 7 days and she ended up dying last Tuesday. I’m just mad because I know I’m gifted and sometimes experience things that I can’t explain and I feel like grandma isn’t coming in my dreams or making no connections with me I mean I just seen a show and seen the date of her birthday but I don’t know why isn’t coming in my dreams or anything the day before she died I had a dream of a random person crying I hugged him he told me his mom died then in real life that evening she died. I mean is she mad at me why isn’t she coming in my dreams or anything. This is a horrible feeling I miss my grandmother she was always there for me no matter what

  93. Heidi  June 25, 2021 at 9:00 pm Reply

    I lost my Mom three weeks ago. I am a constant emotional mess.
    I’ve tried to describe to those around me exactly what you’ve said here… I feel like she is so far away!
    I feel as though she passed 20 years ago.
    I was my mom’s caregiver, 24/7. She was my best friend too.
    When I don’t feel her with me then the anxiety sets in.
    It’s devastating.

  94. Yaya  June 17, 2021 at 3:02 pm Reply

    Honestly this story describes me. I feel like someone read all of me . I am anxious to hear from my Mum it’s been 3 weeks she went, yet not even a dream of her. We were best of friends but life seemingly will not led us have it our way.

  95. Utkarsh Singh  June 14, 2021 at 11:20 am Reply

    I lost my mom in second wave of. Covid on 23rd May. She was discharged from the Hospital on 2nd of May & when we were thinking that now she is fine suddenly on 23rd of May she suffered a Cardiac Arrest(Possibly) & with in a matter of few seconds when she has said that she won’t survive now, she has tried her best to reach to the Toilet & collapsed in the ground & taken her last breathe in my wife’s lap. I am the only child of her & the emotions I am going through since her demise is totally beyond anything. She was quiet upset with me & in depression coz of my love marriage but after my son’s birth she was slowly coming out of that depression & was at my place in Delhi along with my Dad to take care of my son. I was quiet happy that at last family has united but God has some other plans. I am under complete numbness what to do & how I spend my life without her as I never think she will leave me too early!” I see her daily in my Dreams & pray that some day I too get unite with her!”

    • Sabeena  June 15, 2021 at 11:14 am Reply

      I am so sorry. I can understand what a feeling of loss it must be. I returned to India in 2019 after more than a decade abroad, and I was happy thinking that my parents and my kids could finally be together instead of watching each other over Skype on weekends. A few months later, my Dad passed away and all my dreams were shattered. He could have been a true grandfather, and I feel that just when we were finally going to be together as a family, God had to rip us apart.
      I have no answers for you. All I can say is that it has taken me more than a year, but finally I am coming to the stage where I am slowly looking forward to life again. Yes I still think of when I can be united with my Dad again but I hope whenever that happens, he will be proud of me for the life I have lived.
      Stay strong. From what you have said, it sounds like your mother didn’t suffer much in her last moments and had an easy passing. She was with her family at the very end, take some solace in that. My Dad spent seven weeks in the ICU before he finally succumbed, and that memory is more painful than his actual passing, because he really wanted to go home but we could only bring his body home.
      So try to find some peace in these things. Your mother was able to spend her last days seeing her family and grandson and hopefully she found fulfilment in her life. She will want you to be happy and content, and give it time, one day you will think of her and smile at her memory. One day it will stop being so painful, trust me. Keep the faith.

    • Robert Aldridge  August 8, 2021 at 7:44 pm Reply

      My friend and all those grieving losing loved one I know exactly how you feel I lost my beautiful fairy princess 3 years 3-months and 4 days ago and for the first two and a half years I saw mediums psychics and I had some amazing messages from spirit messages that only I and my wife so could never know things that will be tween up only I had some amazing readings that stunned me however suddenly for the last 6-months I feel no connection lol I cannot feel her cuddle me I cannot feel a hold my hand or talk to me me and very occasionally I have a very brief dream of her I do find it very very very difficult living without because she truly is my soulmate my other heart she is me I am her fortunately I’m surrounded by love we have three amazing children and my brothers and sisters are amazing too but no matter how much love I have around me I still need my suit to contact me from spirit to reassure me to hold my hand net world into this world I’ve been told many things that she is trying to give me time to move on on etc but no nothing I hear jumpers me in any way whatsoever the only jump I will get and I pray to the lord for this that is one day day I will hear about this again I will see her face again and I will feel her cuddle me from spirit whoever you are and wherever you are you’ve lost someone you loved I send my heart to you God bless you all

  96. April  June 7, 2021 at 8:26 pm Reply

    I lost my mom 2 years ago and I feel the same way. I cry and even scream as I hold my necklace with her fingerprint on it. I can find no peace. I hope in your journey that you can.

    • Sarita Singh  June 11, 2021 at 7:31 pm Reply

      My mother died 3 mths back , I saw her through a video call , I feel if I would have got the chance to shake her , she would have got up from the long sleep, I miss her terribly , think of her every minute, want to talk to her, want to listen to her stories which earlier I ignored…
      Why didn’t I ever realized that she can also die.
      She bothered for my food even while leaving for the hospital,and I was so careless ..
      I am so restless I want to know where is she, want to see her, hear her voice..
      I’m scared that the memories of her sight doesn’t fade away with time..
      Her voice has already becoming very dim on my hear ..pls I don’t want it to disappear.

      • Sonia  June 22, 2021 at 8:18 am

        Hey Sarita,

        I m feeling the same, terribly missing my.mom….and too scared her memories will fade…just forgetting how she spoke, how she ate how she walked …..its really a terrible feeling….want to see her touch her and talk to her.. y i didnt spent time with her earlier …how bad i was…..pls someone reunite me with her…

  97. Sinead  June 3, 2021 at 10:19 pm Reply

    THIS! Truly all of this.💔💔💔💔

  98. Deepti  June 3, 2021 at 4:15 pm Reply

    I lost my mom on 10th may 2021 due to covid, on mothers day.
    My relatives saw her in their dreams but i didn’t. Feeling the same way u felt

    • June  June 15, 2021 at 12:26 am Reply

      Same here :'( she passed away a year ago and all my relatives kept telling stories of how she visited them, but i have yet to get a visit from her and i feel really broken since i really really miss her :'(

      • Robert Aldridge  August 8, 2021 at 7:48 pm

        June I’m sorry for your loss of your mother however something I must say is I once got a spiritual reading from my Sue and my son was saying why doesn’t mum ever visit me me and the psychic lady said that Sue said he will visit you one day however she has to heal your dad first maybe your mum is trying to heal those first because you know you are stronger than they are I wish you well

    • Ang  September 4, 2021 at 7:27 am Reply

      Greetings All! Thank you for writing/sharing my secret thoughts. I lost my husband on 7/19/21. We traveled for a living and was together everyday all day for the 5 years we were given. We both contracted Covid and went to the hospital together,I survived and he didnt…..It hurts but I feel guilty that I don’t always feel sad. It’s weird…I am at peace knowing he’s no longer suffering and that he’s with his family (he was the last person in his immediate family so there was a great sadness there)..I often wonder if that’s why I don’t feel him,see him or smell him. Is it because I’m happy he’s no longer sad? But then I have conversations with his close friends and they have all told me that they dream of him and have felt him hug them. Why not me? Again thank you for sharing and letting me know I’m not alone. I ask for peace to you all.

      • Thomas Engler  November 12, 2021 at 12:33 pm

        I am so sorry for all of the people on this site that are in pain. Many have the same deep sorrow as I. My soul mate Kay passed on July 19, 2021 at 7:52 am. We were married for over 53 years and together for 56 years. We had 2 wonderful children and 5 grandchildren. I have been a complete wreck at times
        since she passed. I cry uncontrollably during the day or wake up crying. I miss her so much. My kids both have families and have been great, but this is the first time in my life I am alone. I am without my soul mate and best friend. We both agreed our life together was magical and our love everlasting. I was alone with her for 2 years and Covid during her illness. She passed from cancer but had the opportunity to see all the family before she left in July. We both agreed we had no regrets. We traveled the earth and loved being together. She was a wonderful mother and grandmother, but she was an extrordinary wife. I too have been told “she is with you always”. She told me that “if the Afterlife is so great why would anyone leave there to come back here.” Nonetheless, I and my kids have prayed for her to let us know she is ok, over and over. While we have all received “signs” after asking, we have not had any dreams nor appearances from Kay. The signs are really obvious, but sometimes you have to really look. Some have been blue jays or cardinals sitting on our porch or window and staring when we are talking about her . Double rainbows, a white feather at my feet while washing her car. Albino Cranes appearing to me while I walked (very rare birds, usually not north of Florida) after asking her for a “slap your face” sign. I should be happy, but, I have had no warm feeling nor spiritual visit. I am considering a psychic medium visit. I thought that our love would be forever and go beyond death. I have seen a counselor and attended work shops on Grief to work through the pain. I know there are many others who grieve as I do. My heart is broken and my soul aches. Grief never ends, I am told, but eventually it is managable. I believe I will see her again in the Afterlife and I am ready.

  99. Katie  June 2, 2021 at 6:27 pm Reply

    My heart goes out to everyone commenting here. One thing that helps me is to think about the ways that who I am has been affected by all the people I’ve known and loved. The people you are closest to affect you the most. Even at a time when you are not consciously remembering them they are part of you because who you are today has been shaped by having them in your life. How has that affected you? What did you learn from them? What did they share with you? What did you experience with them? You might not be able to feel them, but they are with you all the same. Always will be.

  100. Greg  June 1, 2021 at 5:25 pm Reply

    Last April I lost my father to dementia then mom’s sister , my wife of 36 years passed of cancer at home on hospice . Then a high school buddy died of a heart attack . A week before Christmas I went into hospital with covid and double pneumonia, second day in hospital my oldest brother’s wife died of heart attack in the night . Then three days after Valentine’s Day my mother passed at 89 . I have many days I just start crying and ask god why . It’s been a year now and I don’t think I will ever feel my wife’s presence. Will this ever get better ? I miss my wife so very much , still coping .

    • Carole  August 29, 2021 at 3:46 pm Reply

      I am so sorry for all your losses. For one person to go through what u have been is so extremely unfair. I lost my Dad eight years ago , he was 84. I just recently lost my oldest brother 5 months ago. He was only 62.
      I was extremely close to both of them. I took care of both of them until the moment they passed.
      And still haven’t felt either ones presence.
      All I can , come up with is perhaps some people , like u and myself are looking and waiting to much to feel our loved ones. Just please do not give up. I believe in my heart and soul that my loved ones are waiting for me . For me to stop grieving so much. Than , perhaps that’s when it will happen.
      My heart goes out to u.
      God Bless!

  101. Preeti  May 31, 2021 at 11:44 pm Reply

    I have lost my parents on January I am the youngest one and they use to love me a lot. My sister and brother they get my parents dream but till now I have not spoken to them even in my dreams. In a day almost 10 times I use to call my mom and talk my dad n mom use to know I am sad or disturb even if I don’t tell them. But this is killing me from inside that why I am not able to talk to them or can’t feel them. If anybody knows anything how to get connect with them plz let me know. I know I am not the only one who can’t feel their loved one but not talking to them is killing me. And how come they are connected to my siblings.

    • Ms.pisces  June 6, 2021 at 6:50 am Reply

      Be patient love . One thing about spirits is they hear us ! They see everything . They are with us when we least expect it . I never feel my moms presence she’s been gone almost 2 years . But she does visit me in my dreams often ! Speak out loud and also in your mind they can connect thru us telepathically …. Also speak out loud and ask for visitations ! They like to come visit us especially around birthdays , anniversaries! My mom came to visit me in my dreams on my birthday ! She told me she hears me all the time ….. write it on paper that u want a visitation speak it out loud ! Light a white candle ! I’m a Pisces so I guess it’s easier for my mom to come to me more than my other siblings . Pisces are somewhat psychic and we’re connected to the spirit world in many ways. But your mom sees you , she’s comes and visits you !

      • Mari G.  June 10, 2021 at 10:06 pm

        Hi Fellow Pisces, I lost my dad in late May of this year and I soo want to believe he is around but sometimes we just want that tangible reassurance he really is okay. I often wonder if the other realm is so heavenly, why they cant just come to us in a way we will know its them? Maybe if this happened, death would stop being seen as a scary thing and feared. I wish with all.my soul and heart I could get a surefire sign he IS with me but I have not felt anything and it makes me sad and depressed and hampers my grieving process.

      • Robert Aldridge  August 8, 2021 at 7:53 pm

        Hi from another Pisces lol I bought a post on here a little while ago about my lost and what else I’d like to say is even though no I feel so isn’t around no more she used to be in spirit please post comfort me greatly because I’m store person that although I’m surrounded by love of I can’t actually result na of this we talking but really these posts makes me realise I’m not mad it is not just me there are so so many people feeling the same as I do and to everybody thank you because it does give me comfort to know no I’m not alone and now I feel about losing my fairy princess

  102. Roxie  May 28, 2021 at 9:27 pm Reply

    I lost my mom a month ago. I didn’t think she was going to die. I have been with her all of my life. The last 4 months I stopped working so I could take care of her. I haven’t felt her since she passed away. I had to make the decision to put her on palative care. The doctors told me she wasn’t going to get better. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Now I think she’s mad at me for the decision I made and that’s why I don’t feel her.I never knew I could miss someone as much as I miss my mom. I never thought I could love someone as much as love my mom. I don’t know what to do. I’m so sad that it’s hard to even get up in the morning and I’m so lonely. It’s like a have a giant hole in my heart that just keeps getting bigger.

    • Aggie  June 12, 2021 at 2:19 am Reply

      Roxie, I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my mother May 13 2021. I took care of her for
      6 months. Even though she was sick it
      was so wonderful that she was here with my
      brother and me. I can’t feel her. I have some
      psychic ability so I am very upset. She was
      in Hospice for 3 days. I know she heard me.
      The nurse told me hearing was the last to
      go. My sister and me read to her. She loved
      mysteries. She held on my hand briefly and
      let go. She was 94 years old and had very
      little strength left. I couldn’t sleep that night.
      Nobody said she was near death. She died
      the next morning at 8:30am. I wished I had
      stayed the night with her. My soul even aches. I want her back! I have other family
      members I am close to but not like
      her. I would do anything to help my family
      but I have no mental room for them. I want her! I am so consumed with grief. I bought
      iron on patches from Amazon eBay. They
      have half a black and half a pink ribbon for
      loss of a mother. Her name was Julie. Stay
      safe Roxie. What is your mother’s name?


  103. Anthony  May 17, 2021 at 5:06 pm Reply

    I just found this website by chance. The love of my life died of cancer at the beginning of April. I haven’t experienced pain like this before. She was only 48. I can’t believe she is in the ground when she should be loving life. She was also so young at heart, I know she is no longer here but it is so hard to accept it. I don’t really believe in the afterlife. I don’t really know whether that is a good or bad thing. I want to see her again. I’m sorry for everyone on here experiencing grief. I just keep telling her I love her and will never forget her.

  104. Akanksha  May 16, 2021 at 7:05 am Reply

    Going through all these comments is helping me to cope up with the untimely demise of my brother. I lost him just 3 days ago to covid-19. He was, and will always be a father figure to me. We were a family of 4, Mom, Dad, my brother and me. 3 years back, my father abandoned us….to live somewhere else. He was never attached to the family. We were devastated. My Mom had to live alone since then, as my brother and I had jobs in different cities. Later my brother moved in with mom, to take care of her. He took responsibility of the family. He became the gaurdian. He loved me and mom so much. He had always put our happiness before his own. Now, we lost him too. Me and my mom are devastated. My mom was there with him during his last days of battling with covid…… But I wasn’t. My heart is wrenching…. Lot of emotions going on… I’m feeling sad, angry, regret, confused. I loved my brother very much, I’m missing him from the core of my heart. And will be missing him all the time. I can’t even cry….. As I have to stay strong for my mom. I want to cry my heart out….. But I can’t. If I get to know, that my brother is doing okay wherever he is…. It will give me some comfort…. Some strength to move on… And to take care of my Mom. All I want is, one sign….one assurance, that he is okay, and is there for us..that he will be our gaurdian angle, as he always was….. I’m not sure how to cope up with this…. Not sure how to get strength to take care of the remaining family now…. Not sure. I wish he was there to guide me… As he would always do.

    • Anuradha  June 6, 2021 at 12:25 am Reply

      Akansha, your comment felt like I have written it. I lost my brother 5 months ago and my mom and I are devastated. He was my best friend in the whole world. I don’t know how to go on. I so want to feel he’s there somewhere but I can’t. I am angry and depressed. 🙁

  105. varsha  May 10, 2021 at 10:29 am Reply

    hi i lost my mum last month and i am experiencing the same situation.i just want a sign to know she is fine maybe.i think about her everyday and miss her so much.

  106. Jacinta Irvine  May 9, 2021 at 6:44 am Reply

    I’ve just come across this page and needed to comment. My dad passed away in February and I must say I feel the same . I feel nothing . I feel as though I have lost my spirituality. I used to have hope that I would feel something and have signs but I feel as thought it was just the end . I’ve seen some signs but is it just coincidence. It’s just very hard to believe that there is an after life . I hope there is one but I have little faith there is.
    I am able to keep moving forward but I am disappointed and have my moments .
    I am really sorry for the lose of your mum . It’s such a horrible thing and so life changing .
    Thinking of you x

    • Stephanie  May 31, 2021 at 10:47 pm Reply

      Hi my name is Stephanie last oct 4 2020 at 5:30 am my 17 daughter Madison was killed in a car wreck she was my everything im very very lost right now amd dont know how to cope with any of this

  107. Jay  May 8, 2021 at 5:50 am Reply

    I’m sorry for your loss and thank you for writing about this. I lost my dad 25 days ago and my mom 19 days ago, both got covid and was unable to fly back to California. Both got stuck in the Philippines where they died and was cremated without me by their side. I feel so much regret for not being able to be there, because of the lockdown I was unable to fly back due to not having dual citizenship they wouldn’t allow Americans in. By the time I was approved to get a waver to fly and inter she had passed away. I still haven’t felt them, either of them. No dream, no sign. Nothing. Breaks my heart, and all I have left are pictures. My brother passed away 8 years ago and now it’s just me. I really don’t know how I’m going to move forward, a sign, a dream, anything, now I feel nothing but anger, sadness and regret.

    • Amanda G  May 24, 2021 at 2:40 am Reply

      Oh my lovely, my heart goes out to you, and all those that have commented and struggling to comprehend losses.
      I’ve been dealing with grief and have been seeking answers, signs ..you name it, I’ve searched for it.
      But I don’t want to make this about me.
      I read you’re comment and feel the absolute need to reach out to you and tell you, please do not feel alone..what you have experienced is traumatic and you will be going through so many mash up of emotions right now.
      And I really feel you could benefit from a having someone to talk to.
      Please feel free to contact me, as I know you will be feeling absolutely broken, and I’m an old soul with an open heart.
      Warmest Regards

      • Imani C  June 1, 2021 at 3:16 am

        Hi Amanda, read your comment and you had said to reach out to you. I hope im not interfering with your conversation but Amanda i REALLY need someone to talk to. I lost my mom in 2019, we were truly best friends. We were all we had and we loved each other VERY much. I have no friends so i have no one to talk to. I cry almost everyday and i go to see her twice a month. My mom passed aw3on my b-day. When i tell people they say Thats a bad thing. Well to me Thats my gift from her that i will receive every year. Please email me back o am really desperate to talk to anyone and just become friends. Thanks, Imani

    • Praveen Nidigondi  May 31, 2021 at 4:11 am Reply

      Hi Jay,

      I’m sorry for your loss. I saw your comment and felt like I needed to reply.

      We’re a family of 4. I’m the youngest. I’ve lost my father on March 8th due to cardiac arrest. My mother, my brother and I were devastated. Then, we moved to our aunt’s city so that she could help my mom get through the grief.

      And then, around 2 months later, I’ve lost my mother on April 30th and my brother on May 5th to Covid. To add to this, I wasn’t even there with my mom when she passed away. We were informed the next day. The fact that I wasn’t there to hold my mom’s hand as she was passing away is eating me alive.

      I’m all that’s left of my family now. I feel so many things right now. Grief, depression, guilt, anger, frustration. I’ve got literally nobody in this universe who understands what I’m going through. The only 3 people that would understand are now gone.

      I feel the same way about my brother like you do about yours. I wasn’t that close to my father, my brother and my mom always took care of me. Now that all the three of them are gone, I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve lost the will to survive. Now I have to manage everything on my own.

      Just thought I should reach out to someone who’s going through something similar.

      • Robert Aldridge  August 8, 2021 at 7:58 pm

        Hi Praveen I know this for sure my friend and although you feel alone you are not alone everybody who posts on here is with you and feels and knows how you feel I know how it is is it soul destroying and I am fortunate I’m surrounded by loving children grandchildren family yeah I still feel alone even though I know by reading these posts I’m not alone be strong my friend you will be ok ok have faith and believe me me sometimes I doubt so much it’s unbelievable it’s very hard to explain in words how you feel and you suffer such a terrible loss most people on this post actually feel your loss god bless you

  108. Olivia  May 7, 2021 at 5:10 pm Reply

    I lost my dog😢. I am so alone🥺. I don’t have any dog😢. I have no dog🥺. But I’ll look for a new one. I hope it is a cat with some baby kitties. On Christmas time. *crying*This is my own fault! I’m sorry! I am gonna be punished. Do you think you could forgive me? Thank you! 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭

  109. Gloria Garcia  May 4, 2021 at 3:35 am Reply

    My mother passed away a month ago, it was unexpected. I wasn’t able to say goodbye to her. I always assumed that I would feel her presence and she would send me a sign just like people tell you. Let me tell you, It’s all lies, i feel nothing. I haven’t even dreamt of her. The only thing I feel is her emptiness.

    Am I doing something wrong?

    • Ct  August 10, 2021 at 5:33 pm Reply

      Gloria, I totally understand what you’re experiencing. I lost my mom over a year ago unexpectedly. We were so close. As much as any two people can be. When I heard she passed I immediately thought I’d be ok because I knew she’d send me a sign and we’d stay connected somehow. I have cried a little. Several times, but nothing like I would expect given our closeness. I keep holding on to hope that somehow she can see and hear me and that I will sense her at some point too. I’m beginning to think that’s all just denial and I haven’t accepted the reality of her death. That’s too much to bear.

    • Ct  August 10, 2021 at 5:37 pm Reply

      Continuation of previous post…
      Gloria I am so sorry for your loss and hope that you have many, many memories of you mom that can bring you smiles and laughter to help numb the sadness and depth of your loss. I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong at all. Love your mom and talk to her as you always have. You have nothing to lose. Right? If talking with her and thinking about her helps keep the memories alive then that’s what’s right. I’m so sorry we share this life experience and wish you well in your journey.

  110. Jill  May 3, 2021 at 9:29 am Reply

    This piece really got to me. I lost my mother in August of last year and while I do see the signs….I don’t “feel” the same as when she was here. I only feel the sadness knowing she is not and it could be decades until I see her again. That is sometimes too much to think about…..thank you for sharing your story.

  111. Clare Marie  May 3, 2021 at 8:58 am Reply

    hi ladies ,i feel like this so so much ,its been 2 yrs since i lost her and i havnt grieved im pushing it all away i cannot accept it.Why can i not feel her was our love not strong enough i always thought love was stronger than death,if j let it in and accept it it will kill me,sobi ptetend its not happened like i never had a mum rather than a love which has been taken ,my head is so messed up

  112. Catharine Mackanyn  May 1, 2021 at 12:16 pm Reply

    Hi, I just came across this site because I am asking the same question. Why can’t I feel my Mum. I lost my Mum in Sept, 2019. I was her caregiver at her home. I moved in with her. I watched her die everyday and there wasn’t a dam thing I could do for her. I have a lot of guilt, sadness and hell of a lot of pain.
    Friday that just passed, I have a friend come over. As she is talking with me, just kept saying that this living room has good energy in it. I asked her what do you mean by that. Her reply was” because I can see your Mum in the doorway to come into the room.”
    But she said another thing to me which was, There’s a black cloud over going up towards your upstairs.
    It’s the last one I am concerned about. Her telling that made me a litter calmer, not by much But at less I know my Mum is hare in the house that I cared for her in.
    It can’t get more comforting then that. Too me anyway.
    I just wanted to share that with you. Thanks for letting me. I needed to tell someone.


  113. Jess  April 14, 2021 at 1:59 pm Reply

    I am so sorry for your loss, I feel exactly the same honestly. Sadly my mum passed away from Cancer in April of 2019.

    I was always into ghost hunting but sadly could never contact her depsite whatever equipment I was using. It truly did sadden me.

    And at the moment I am also being gang-stalked so that’s a added bonus.

  114. PATRICK  April 12, 2021 at 10:28 am Reply


    • Sheryll L williams  July 16, 2021 at 12:11 am Reply

      I am truly grieving the loss of my fiance.Last August 16 I came home to find him.He committed suicide by hanging himself.I had to be the one to cut him down and perform car on him he wasn’t cold so I thought I could save him.i was unsuccessful and I am having a very hard time with this I don’t uderstand.He knew I did not believe in taking your own life.I cry everyday and I don’t feel him at all.Please if anyone has any advice I would love. To hear.He was only 48.I know he loved me I don’t know why he would end his own life.

  115. Leslee  April 11, 2021 at 4:49 am Reply

    I lost my mum three years ago on the 17th of this month and ever since all I have wanted is to see her, hear her, or just feel her presence but I have not had anything I try to dream about her but I can’t. I have thought about going to see a psychic but i am not a very trusting person and know how they can get you to believe something that isn’t actually true. I just want a hug from my mum. She was 82 when she died and I was 57 so I know she had a good long life and I know I was lucky to have my mum for 57 years but, it doesn’t make it any easier, I just need to feel her.

    • Mo  May 5, 2021 at 4:51 pm Reply

      Hi Leslee. I am 56 and my mother was 80 when she died of pancreas cancer in January. We only had two months to say goodbye. I am totally broken. In her last few weeks of life toxins from her liver metastases went to her brain and she went from being a really intelligent woman to having the mental capacity of a young child. In that time she told me repeatedly how much she loved robins. She tried to give me a couple of blank cards from a pack of cards at Christmas that had robins on and i just laughed with her and reminded her that she and Dad had already given me my Christmas card. I didn’t find out about the old saying that robins appear when loved ones are near until after she died and I don’t think she knew either but now i see them everywhere and I like to believe its her way of letting me know she is OK. Its so hard. I still cry everyday and i sometimes wonder if i will ever be happy again. I wish i were 100% sure of heaven and that she is there but even if she is I am scared i won’t end up there as I have sinned too much and it breaks my heart to think i will never see her again. Sorry for your loss.

  116. Kate  March 20, 2021 at 8:16 pm Reply

    I completely understand the need to feel that contact continues in some way. I don’t know if it B would help anyone else, but what I’ve found helpful both in dealing with the deaths of others, and in thinking about my own death in relation to my children, is to think differently about what that means. My father is part of my DNA. The father he was to me continues to affect who I am, how I behave, what I value, some of my interests, the way I parent my own children etc – 21 years after his death. I don’t need to speak to him or ‘feel’ him, he is an integral part of who I am. Even with friends – they are not part of my DNA but knowing them and being close to them affected who I am. Even on days when I don’t think of them or consciously remember them, these people are part of me. This helped me a lot when I was very sick when my children were really young and I knew that if I died they might not remember me, at least not consciously.

  117. Janeth  March 16, 2021 at 7:14 pm Reply

    11 years ago my evil female sibling took my sweet 6 yr old Chorgi from me and had him put down because her daughter did not want to pay two pet deposits at the apartment I was staying at while I was separated from my husband. I lost it, then they went after my little nearly toothless Schipperke because her 500+lb husband said he bit her (she had 8 teeth). I went back to my husband and we escaped the city and moved to another state. I never felt my boys presence. Not once. I called every vet in that city to find out of they had ever euthanized a little boy dog of his description but no one would offer information. We recently moved to a retirement community. My beloved little Schipperke passed 19 months ago. Every night I would tell her where we would be going to and to find The Boy and come to Mommy. Ever since we moved I have not felt her presence. I keep thinking that my Baby is still at our old house and doesn’t know where we are. I am in so much pain and turmoil I cannot sleep because I cannot feel my little ones. I could not have human children and these Babies are my children. I stopped believing in any benevolent god(s) a LONG time ago so pray won’t work. I only want to know that my sweet darling Babies are OK and for them to know I still and always will love them with my entire heart and soul. I miss them so much! I never shed a tear for my horrible parents when they died ( I am an physical/mental/verbal abuse victim from childhood) but I cry all the time for my sweet Babies. Am I crazy or is this what raw grief does to one? Can anyone offer any word of advice, please?

    • Andrew London  March 24, 2021 at 6:58 am Reply

      Hi Janeth,

      I am sooooo sorry for your many losses. As an animal lover myself, your story touched me deeply. I lost faith in people ages ago for many of these same reasons. I’m sorry I don’t have any advice for you. I wish I did. But I’m struggling with my own demons… 38 years is a long time to grieve and every day gets worse and worse. You can read my story below. If I had any answers, I’d definitely offer them to you. Again, I’m sorry for your losses. Life isn’t fair.

    • Alexis  April 22, 2021 at 10:42 am Reply

      I totally understand what you’re going through. I’ve also heard the same things you’ve heard about your mom will always be there, she’s watching over you, and she will never leave you. All of that sounds good but I can’t properly receive that right now. Especially if I don’t see or feel her. I lost my mom 7/16/20 from cancer. My mom was a healthy woman with the exception of high blood pressure which she conquered after a while. She was beautiful and independent. The best kind of human being you ever want around you. When she got sick I had to take care of her like a home health aid. Oh did it crush me. I couldn’t believe this was happening. She was also starting to loose her mind. These are all the things I feared would happen to her years before. To see her suffering tore me to pieces. We both had hope she would make it through. Now my faith is definitely lost. I didn’t even get to have a conversation with her the day she died. She couldn’t talk because she was always on pain killers. Like that still bothers me along with everything else. It doesn’t even feel like 9 months. Just like you and your mom; my mom and I were best friends as well. I’m the only child. We were super close. We lived with one another and we texted and talked everyday. Way before she even got sick & died I never wanted to accept that one day she will die. I never even wanted to talk about it happening. If I did say something about it I would say we would both die together so we wouldn’t have to grieve for each other. I was sadly disappointed. I also told her I couldn’t live without her and that I would die too. I would do anything for her even if it meant my own death. I’m always thinking why couldn’t I’ve died instead of her. In the beginning I wanted to die. I wasn’t taking care of myself. I started smoking cigarettes. I was having suicidal thoughts. I passed out one time and following that I would always have dizzy spells. I did start taking care of myself because of my father. After a while I think I became in shock. I was trying to actually research spirits and how to get in contact with them to at least get some type of contact with my mom. After my research I started experiencing signs that my mom was present. I didn’t necessarily feel her presence but appliances in my apartment started turning on by itself , things would be knocked over, I found pennies on the floor in odd places, and my phone alarm starting going off strange times that wasn’t set. I thought I was going crazy of course but I knew it was just me in my apartment. I did feel somewhat satisfied. It would happen sporadically. Not all the time. As time passed I don’t think I was in shock anymore. That was maybe around Sept 2020. I started to feel pain, anger, sadness, confusion, and lost. I basically suffering from depression. I started getting less signs until it stopped all together. Of course that made more angry and confused. It’s now April 2021 and nothing has changed. I’m currently getting help but I just think it’s going to take me a long time to to accept and be at peace with this. I’ve trained myself to suppress the pain but it’s not good because I explode at times that aren’t necessary. I’m suffering from PTSD. Life just isn’t fair . I l just don’t understand why we aren’t allowed to see or hear our passed love ones. At least allow them to comfort us and tell us it’s going to be ok. I think it’ll make life a bit easier to live and cope with. Sometimes I just cry and scream for my mom and nothing happens. I just miss her so much. Literally I miss everything about her. I would give anything to see her smile and laugh. Ohh if only she could get on my nerves again. I hope all that’s grieving will get help and somehow learn to live peacefully.

      • Shana  April 27, 2021 at 2:03 am

        Alexis, I’m so sorry for your loss, and I’m
        Sorry for the cliche statement. Your story is so much like mine. My mother’s funeral was this last Sunday. Cancer. She was my everything. Sometimes I miss her so much it feels like I could die from a broken heart. She was in her early 60s. We both had so much more life to live. It’s truly devastating.

  118. Betty Barnes  March 15, 2021 at 4:37 pm Reply

    I lost my mom 4 weeks ago today. The day she died I was overcome with emotion. Since that day I have battled holding it inside. To be strong for everyone else, not wanting to appear weak. My siblings have seen cardinals and butterflies……Ive seen none of those things. I pray daily to God to show me sign that my mom is ok, that she loves and misses me to and nothing happens.

    I worry was I not good enough now that she sees me from above. The hurt is vicious and I miss her so much. I have spoken to her almost every single day for my whole life, 53 years and now I have been 28 days without her voice.

    • Floreen  March 31, 2021 at 12:26 am Reply

      My mom is a betty barnes.
      My daughter died one yr ago . I never got to say goodbye. Never spent a silent sec after she died. They took her body quickly to be investigated from hosp. So a week goes by and they say I cant see her . I wouldn’t want to . So we buried her on her 34 bday . I got in my car took off to the graveside thinking I could have 5 min with her alone before ppl got there.
      My daughters name is Shelby late Nelson. Wouldn’t u know ,my kid was late to her own funeral so I didnt get that alone time either. I cry everyday. I scream in silence . I cant feel her andi want to. I need to. We was close. But I never seen her at all
      I miss u shby

    • Leslee  April 11, 2021 at 4:58 am Reply

      Hello Betty
      I understand how you feel. I lost my mum almost three years ago. I am a nurse so when mum went into hospital I was the only one who knew that she wouldn’t be coming home. My father sister and my two adult children and myself sat by her hospital bed in the early hours, dad agreed to let me make all the decisions, speak to the doctors ect. I was the one who had to tell the others that mum was dying and I was the one who had to tell them that mum only had minutes left. I collected the death certificate, arranged the funeral, made a speech in the church and arranged the wake. I was the one who informed all family and friends and who supported the rest of my family. It took a long time before I was even able to cry as I felt I had to be the strong one.
      Like you I desperately want to feel my mum or have some sign but I have had nothing, though my sister has and I don’t know or have the answer as to why. ❤️

  119. Saveza  March 10, 2021 at 6:58 am Reply

    Have you felt anything yet? My soul pet and my mom passed away 3 years ago and I have not felt anything my life has become unmanageable I don’t believe in spirits anymore

    • Andrew London  March 11, 2021 at 6:43 pm Reply

      Saveza, I’m sorry for your losses. But yeah, I know exactly how you must feel. I feel the same way. I’ve been grieving for 38 years. The pain gets worse every day, every year. I stopped believing a very long time ago. But at the same time I’m still trying, still hoping. If that makes sense.

    • Brittany  March 19, 2021 at 12:41 am Reply

      I wanted to let you know that my childhood, soul bonded and first love cat has been able to communicate with me in the afterlife pretty immediately after passing for months, but has stopped “visiting”. For some reason, not every loved one is able to give signs, or maybe has already crossed to the other side where they feel no need to linger on earth.The more we look for signs the less we find them. The grief is overwhelming and grief honestly never gets better but I promise you there is life after death and your loved ones are with you. I’m so sorry for your losses.

  120. Laine mallaburn  March 4, 2021 at 4:08 pm Reply

    I know exactly how you feel there was no stronger bond than I had with my mam 4 times a day everyday I seen her when she was poorly hospital doctor said 2 days was all she had left I begged for her to be allowed home got her home sat 24hours a day everyday for 11 days before she passed I was with her when she took her last breath my world was shattered everybody said the bond was to strong between us and she will be with you always I talk to a photo of her everyday cry quite a few times a day miss her so so much and havnt felt her presence or any signs of her been near me maybe its to early I keep telling myself as only been 9weeks since she left me I pray to God to look after her and ask him to let her come and let me know shes ok but nothing I’m lost ❤

  121. Nicole  March 4, 2021 at 2:21 am Reply

    Ok u said u see moths and flowers so u feel her. The thing that says “look over there…” and you see it, that’s her saying look. Too many movies have people confused. When your mom was alive and in a room with you, did you “feel” her. Not smell or hear but feel. Ok so im do a little medium work and so does a close friend. Well her boyfriend died and we were standing in line at his funeral, i never met him but my thoughts took my imagine to places as if i would if being directly told a story. Im feeling “this isnt me. I don’t look like that. I have these big gauge ear spinning plugs. i always wore them” ….my friend who was also mentoring my clairvoyance (although before this moment I think shes a little hokey because shes quirky like that and believe it or not im a huge skeptic) she turns to me and says “thats sad..he didnt look like that…he wore these…big” and starts twirling her finger near her ear..i said “BLING SPINNER PLUGS!!!????” …she responded “very good” like some karate master towards their student. So now ima believer in her because it was too right on time. I asked her, ‘why did you say that at that moment?” She said “because he was telling us that” …. telling us…like if I was hanging out with a longtime friend, meeting her boyfriend for the first time and he was telling us a story. because him in death is him. They dont become this magnetic pull of a force that makes you blow condensation out like the 6th sense movie. I mean unless they had that talent in life, maybe. So how do you know the difference between ur own thought and them speaking.?…how do you know what actual convos you had with someone verse ones that you imagined or dreamed? U just do…and its not explainable. Now imagination i say does factor in, for me about 20% so my reading are 20%;off or completely wrong because this person is popping up images but the same way miscommunications happen in real convos, they still happen just as much.

    I drove by this cemetery when testing this ability and said “if this is real, what’s this cemetery’s name?” …like a ball of energy moving to this marble sign that said “north cedar ” …i drive up and look to see…dah dah dahhh. North cedar but the sign isnt marble. Its the same odd decorative shape but its like cardboard or something….i researched when i came home and it use to be marble. How did i know the name and the marble from 100 years ago?

    If i could take all of u, ur people would all have the same message in common …they exist and they are great. They are where u will someday be when ur supposed to go there and it will be more clear then. I don’t think there is much different then here. I think its a level of many that maybe we collectively have to travel. So they are there doing what they use to dream
    of, chillin, waiting for u.
    Just like how my dad moved to Florida…i dont know his exact address and i dont know his number by heart but His existence isnt based on my senses

    • Teressa M Frey  March 4, 2021 at 7:40 pm Reply

      I’ve lost both my sons and my best friend and my neice.
      Whenever I lost my 1st son. He died when he was 11. He would turn the lights off and on, shut doors, send s white butterfly to sit with me every morning while I had a cup of coffee on the porch. My best friend come to me in dreams… so vivid it’s as if we area really having a conversation. And i believe we are. My oldest son who i was closer to, than anyone…
      We were soulmates. He paused in September, He was my boy and he loved his momma so much.

      I’ve seen nothing, nada. Not one sign from him. I talk to him, but i feel like he’s not there.
      I’ve never felt more alone,more abandoned, more forgotten.

      I’m so depressed. I just want God to take me so i can be with my kids. They were both very disabled. I took care of zach for 11 yours until he passed in 2002 . and i took care of Joshua for 32 years.
      I’m so lost! im still in major grief, and he Josh was my last child. I have no grandchildren. I am alone. This is the loneliest, emptiest, I’ve ever been. I pray…. but I still am sad.

      • Nicole  December 23, 2022 at 9:38 pm

        And you will be with them. I promise u that life will be a flash but ur here for something. For someone. Who knows what but i have been proven this 100000s of times ans with other people experiencing it too. It exists. Its easier to say then so but try to find something in life while ur here. Being with them and this being over will 1000% happen… Even science has now admitted that they deny it only to not be teased but colleges. Its there… They are with u. Idk how it works over there… Maybe we are all God experiencing itself.. who knows but i do know this lofe experience is the only one like it. Elemental spirits and all kinds of other dimension things come here .. me and my ex saw a shadow man who walked under a one story balcony, stood there and became smoke. Hand to God. They all visit because nothing is like this place and no one has power like this, after life. So ur on a short holiday away. U get some time to be apart from some people. U might not be you or alone how u feel u are again so find some comfort in these last few years . Its just a lil break before a huge party. But after that party, idk what will be. U might not be an individual. Maybe always a group conscious. Whatever it is… This time is the only time i can guarantee u are (think u are) an individual. Your on ur final haul. Its coming to close. I i i know im not wrong but i always said, if i were, it shuts off and u have no clue so i promise, ur on ur last chapter and this will soon be over

    • Kari Hall  March 13, 2021 at 12:16 am Reply

      I like your response. I am struggling differently with my moms death then my dad. I was not good after he died. Lost my faith for awhile. But my faith is very strong now but I don’t feel her as others have said. .But things are a struggle with my brothers and her things etc so I’m not fully grieving. But I felt/heard my dad for years and then had a very real dream about 9 years after he died. Most amazing dream ever. So very real and I touched him and he was young and looked great. We spoke and I was in awe and couldn’t believe we were talking. We were on a train that went around the world/universe. But my mom just died in January after 6 months of hospice. I’m waiting and hopeful. My mom didn’t hear from her mother for about 20 years.

    • Corrina B  March 16, 2021 at 1:03 am Reply

      My sister paste 12 or 13 years ago I was 13 I’m 27 now when that happen it flipped my world upside down and from that day forward I lived her type of life and tried to live out what she began but I went to the depths of dangerouse at the age of 15 I went to people’s houses u wouldn’t want ur enimes at looking for answers to my sisters death my sister was 19 and my cousin who came to pick her up who found her when she rolled over in bed and my sister was deAd and that’s all I know a drug overdose at a party but I have felt her. Very very few times but I want to really hear something from her that will heal me and let me move on with my own life and not hers oh god please this is the last resort

    • Sara  March 28, 2021 at 7:03 pm Reply

      My dad died suddenly one week ago from a heart attack at age 52. I’m only 28 and so I have never entertained thoughts of him not being here. People keep telling me I’ll feel him and he’s still around but I can’t feel him, but I’ve had one nightmare featuring his body – his funeral isn’t for another 2 weeks. I’ve always believed in an afterlife and psychic mediums but now I am faced with losing the closest person to me and I cannot feel him, it is testing my belief in a big way, and my belief is losing the battle. I’m scared I’ll never see him again in this life or the next. Thank you for your story, as I no longer sleep and reading it has just given me some small comfort, if only for this evening.

  122. Apey  March 3, 2021 at 11:18 pm Reply

    Thank you for writing this. Nearly every single part of your article described my exact experience- except for the tattoos, and I also went to a medium (two of them), and supposedly my mom came through, but nothing significant was said that particularly stood out to me. So I am not sure it was genuine or not. I chalk it up to maybe not being a spiritual person, but it’s been 4 years now and I still haven’t really experienced any signs. A couple of dreams here and there but nothing profound like what you hear about other people experiencing.

  123. J Marie  February 18, 2021 at 10:42 pm Reply

    My very best friend/my Mom died last month. Even though the doctors kept saying she was, I had faith in miracles even though there was not the miracle I wanted this time. My heart is broken and I miss being able to talk to her 24/7 if needed. I have been praying to God because the Bible says He is a comforter but I have so much pain inside it’s hard to feel comforted. However, I have tried to keep up my relationship with Him and just now when I knelt down again to thank Him for something and to talk to him it felt like a mom’s hug. I knew it was not from her but from Him. He made moms and dads so the nature that is in them comes from His nature. It was a mom’s hug from the creator of moms and it comforted me. Hope that happens again because I need it so much right now. Blessings on others here. So glad I found this site because I can relate to so much of what you are experiencing. This is the most difficult thing I have ever gone through and I can’t “fix it” this time like I tried to fix so many things before. I can’t undo it and I don’t know how long I am going to have to deal with it. Right now it seems like an eternity of loneliness stretches out before me because no other human being can replace her. When I had to leave her overnight in the hospital, I tried to tell her often with many kisses, “You are my very best friend.” and “You are my most favorite person in the earth.” It was so so true and still is.

  124. LeAndrea G  February 12, 2021 at 4:52 pm Reply

    My Beautiful Beloved mother passed away from non-smokers stage 4 metastasize to the bones lung cancer in Jam 2018. My mom and I were also pees in a pod and like telepaths. When ever we thought of each other or my mom thought of me, I would call her and she’d say “oh okay, you heard me.” Lol. To make a “looong” story shorter, it’s been three years and I still grieve just as it was yesterday. It comes in waves now and I’ve accepted she’s gone but I yearn to dream about or feel her presence. I have had only 4 vague dreams where I can’t see her face but I know it’s her. I think I hugged her in two of my dreams but not quite sure, I just wake up in tears. I also dreamed of my moms death and I saw her face clearly as I was laying her to rest. In each dream since her death, she is sick like she was when she was alive except one dream where she was with my dad, in my bed room at the foot of my bed sitting on the bench with her back turned and when I reached out to touch her she told me “you know you can’t touch me” and I pulled back. I always remember my mother telling me when I took care of her for three months day and night she would say “if comfort was a cure I would be cured.” It hurts me to dream of her still in that state and I want to see that she’s ok and not suffering anymore. I just don’t know how I’ll ever kick this pain that seems to be a permanent part of me.

  125. Elizabeth  February 12, 2021 at 6:09 am Reply

    Every one tells me my beautiful son is with me always; but I don’t feel him with me. I lost my son when he was 23 years old, and I thought we were very close, but now I sort of wonder if that was just in my mind because I simply don’t get that feeling of his love surrounding me that many people speak of when referring to a deceased loved one. I can’t even dream about him. I barely remember the sound of his voice or the beauty of his soulful eyes, or the absolute joy I felt when he walked into the room. He is and was and will be my entire world for eternity. I now accept that there will be no joy in this life until the time we are reunited in some way; but until then my only hope is to keep asking my son to send part of his amazing spirit to surround me. If I can just feel a glimmer of his loving spirit with me I would find the strength to carry on. Thank you for your story.

  126. Carla  February 11, 2021 at 10:23 pm Reply

    2010 started a horrible series of events for me in my life. One of my best friends was over-radiated with form of radiation therapy that was supposed to be used for trigeminal neuraglia. She ended up with radiation poisoning and in a nursing home and past away in a vegetative state. It was March of 2011. (Horrible – and her daughters were best friends with my children). July 13, 2011 my best friend and soulmate (a male version of myself, literally) suddenly past away while he was taking care of a step-father who was in hospice care. He died in his sleep of a pulmonary embolism. He was 39. This was more then shocking – it was mind numbing. And I can’t believe it has been 10 years and feels like yesterday.(Completely devastated me). It broke a a little part of me. Another one of my best guy friends committed suicide. One of my best girlfriends was diagnosed with cancer and past away in 2015. My circle of my closest friends was very small and at this point I had 2 of them left out of 6. Each one played a key role in my life and were chosen by me, but I always knew the universe has mysterious ways of connecting you with what you “need” and sometimes that includes people. Even with all of this grief and loss underneath that is the most amazing feeling of gratitude you could ever imagine for being blessed with such amazing souls to help shape me into the person that I am today, carrying their fabulous bits and pieces, catch phrases and memories around with me throughout my life. I have often wondered why we are not able to “feel” these special people. I have sat with mini urns of ashes begging for “a sign.” I often thought they must “be too busy” doing their good work on the other side to be bothered with my tiny request, only to be left feeling ashamed for even asking for a hand out of attention when there are bigger fish to fry. Each one of those people I am speaking of was the type of person who never wanted to bother anyone, ask for help, deliver bad news, etc… They were all equally soulfully lovely and kind beyond measure. IF they could ever see my devastation at their losses and I were them, I would not visit myself either afraid that I may cause further pain. I have a feeling that the “void” of activity from the other side may also have to do with 1. a mental block or defense mechanism we create against pain (almost a PTSD type of thing). We ask what we “think” we want, but think about this for a second. If they were to come even just one time, what would happen a second time if they were to not grant our most desired wish. Or what if there is tremendous pain involved in a “reunion” of sorts? Maybe the absence in actually a most loving gesture in the wake of grieving hearts? Furthermore, I am an empath who is acutely in tune with my environment and energetic vibration on many levels. I realized and feel that I don’t have to look outside of myself to find them. It would be nice. But at the end of the day, everything I need to know, how much they loved me is inside of me.

    • Isabelle Siegel  February 17, 2021 at 1:04 pm Reply

      Carla, words cannot describe how sorry I am to hear that you’ve been forced to go through all of this. I highly recommend you check out this article: https://whatsyourgrief.com/cumulative-grief-aka-grief-overload/ Do you have a good support system? Have you sought professional help? You can find a therapist trained in grief and bereavement https://complicatedgrief.columbia.edu/for-the-public/find-a-therapist/. What you have written is so powerful: “But at the end of the day, everything I need to know, how much they loved me is inside of me.” I am awe-struck by your insight and resilience. You should be so proud of yourself. All the best to you.

  127. Jennifer  February 9, 2021 at 11:20 pm Reply

    I lost the 3 people who raised me in 6 year period. My grandma 6 years ago, my mom 4 years ago and my step father 2 years ago.

    My grandma was expected, we knew it was coming so I got to say my goodbyes. She was 91 and lived her life. So it hurt but I made peace with it quickly.

    My mom was sudden. She was alive and dead a few hours later. Had a heart attack while babysitting my 9 month old son. I have so much guilt surrounding the time of her death. Was having bad postpartum depression and just couldn’t snap out of it. So we were getting along very well when she passed.

    My step father was ran over by a semi in a hit and run accident. I hadn’t spoken to him in a year when he passed but it was still devastated.

    My entire support system died and anyone who didn’t quickly disowned me. Now I have my husband, his family and my son. But it’s not the same. I need people who knew me as a kid. To recall memories and make me feel like I existed before my husband knew me.

    I have looked and looked for signs from all 3 but particularly from my parents. I have literally cried and begged for signs, dreams, notes or random things. I even looked through all my moms books before I gave them away. Just looking for any random not or something written in. Anything to make me feel more connected. Nothing.. unless I want to read into things. Which then I just think it’s me grasping at straws instead of signs. I don’t know how people get past these deaths. I know you never get over it but you have to be able to live a semi happy life and I’m not. I tried to go to therapy but couldn’t afford the $90 per visit payments. It’s just so unfair.

    • Isabelle Siegel  February 10, 2021 at 12:00 pm Reply

      Jennifer, I’m so very sorry to hear that you were forced to go through all this. I highly recommend you check out this article on cumulative grief a.k.a grief overload: https://whatsyourgrief.com/cumulative-grief-aka-grief-overload/ Of course leaning on your husband’s family is not going to be the same. And that’s okay. You’re right: You never get over it… but you do adapt to a new normal. I suggest you give this article a read: https://whatsyourgrief.com/grief-recovery-is-not-a-thing/ I’m also sorry to hear that you couldn’t stick with therapy. Perhaps you could instead look for a grief support group, which you can read more about here: https://whatsyourgrief.com/grief-support-groups-positives-and-pitfalls/ I agree; It is unfair.

    • Michele  February 13, 2021 at 1:44 am Reply

      Jennifer, I am so sorry for your loss. I can relate & wanted you to know you are not alone. My dad passed away when I was 13 (I am 45 now). My mom passed away December 11, 2019. Since then, I have not associated with my siblings or extended family. I feel completely disconnected and broken. We once had a very close family that did everything together. (I basically lost my family when my mom passed away). I pray to God that my mom knows how much we love & miss her. I also pray for everyone struggling with the terrible feelings of losing a loved one. Remember are not alone

  128. Pearl  February 8, 2021 at 3:50 am Reply

    My mom passed 12/30/20. I knew it was coming and had tried to prepare myself… there is NO preparation for that.

    My mom had Lewy Body Dementia and my family had been caring for her the past 12 years. She was loved on and spoiled rotten.

    I too do not feel her and wish I did. To feel her, dream of her, would give me so much peace and relief. I just want to know she’s ok and that she knows how much we love her…

    • Isabelle Siegel  February 9, 2021 at 9:19 am Reply

      Pearl, I’m so sorry for your loss. You’re right: There is no “being prepared” for a death. I know that it’s tremendously frustrating that you cannot feel your mother’s presence… But please know that this doesn’t diminish your love for and your ongoing connection with her. As Eleanor said, “I feel her in the way I can’t feel her at all. It is my sadness, the bittersweet joy of knowing that I once had the perfect mom for me, it is my longing that lets me feel her.” All the best to you.

  129. Vicky zeolla  February 7, 2021 at 11:01 pm Reply

    I lost my Aunt to bladder cancer on March 1. The morning of her death, I had a vivid dream with her. She was young, healthy, and beautiful in this dream. She appeared about 36, although she died at 69. She fell into a coma like state the day before. If I hadn’t had that dream, I’d be doubting also where she is.

  130. evangelostsirigotis@gmail.com  January 31, 2021 at 2:41 pm Reply

    Hi, my name is Evangelos, I lost my mother back in july 2018. Yes we grieve a great deal, wanting a sign from them, remember when you are in your mothers wound for 9 month’s you cannot see your mother, but you feel her, and she feels you as well. You become close to your mother even before you are born, it’s more than just a biblycord that keeps you and your mom together. It’s the love that bounds both of you, well even physically when they are gone their love remains forever, that is what lives forever the bound, just as the almighty god, and his son Jesus Christ has for us, god bless, I hope I gave you peace.

    • Isabelle Siegel  February 1, 2021 at 12:19 pm Reply

      Evangelos, I’m so sorry for your loss. You’re so right: There is such a special and enduring bond between a mother and child. I’m glad you can hold onto that bond as you navigate your grief.

  131. archie  January 29, 2021 at 7:00 pm Reply

    Thank you for penning this write up. It was someone read my mind. Going through the comments, I realized I am not alone in my journey, even if it’s a journey I don’t wish on anyone.

    It’s been a month and a half that I lost my mom, and 20 years I lost my brother, and all I can say is their loss has changed me in ways untold.

    After my brother’s untimely demise, a brain surgeon who succumbed to brain tumor, I placed my trust in faith, even though I wasn’t very religious before, but a routine of grieving in front of god, comforted me, in some way, and back then I was looking for any way, to feel better than what I did. I miss him every moment even today.

    His loss was even deeper for my mom. He was her first born, an extremely loving son to her. Only she knew how she carried on for 20 years without him.

    I was deeply attached to my mom. I live in a different time zone and it takes me a 30 hour flight to reach home. Her death was sudden and most unexpected. I could not fly home due to covid/ regulations bureaucratic delays. Last I met her was a year back when she promised me she would wait for me when I visit next. I can’t hate covid enough for ruining my plans to visit her this year. Little did I know that the biggest chunk of my heart, is going to bid me goodbye forever.

    I saw her once in my dream, 22 days after she passed, for a split second, where she smiled and told me, your younger brother is upset I left, shouldn’t I have gone and she vanished. Surprisingly, my sister and one more cousin, dreamt of her the very same night with dreams in similar lines.

    But just seeing her once is not enough for me. I want to feel her, see her, hug her, kiss her and hold her so tight, that she never goes far from me ever. She couldn’t see a tear in. y eyes, and now I cry every day but she doesn’t come to wipe them.

    I try to portray strength in front of my own little girls but it’s so hard to live without my mom. We always need our loved ones with us. Cant they come back just for a day, in every couple years… just once….spend the day and go back! That’s reasonable right?

    I don’t know how to establish contact with her! I want to but I don’t know how to. I don’t want to visit any third person as it’s a very private experience but I just want to ask her why did she go away? What was on her mind when she left? How is she now? Did she call out to me as she lay dying? And why she didn’t teach me how to live without her?

    I miss her so much that i feel my heart would burst! Come back Mom, I don’t know how to breath without you,

  132. Sarah  January 29, 2021 at 1:32 pm Reply

    Wow this has helped me so much. My mom passed April 18th, 2020. I’ve taken care if her since her stroke in 2015. Im only 27. My mom had so many health issues and so many near death experiences. I really never expected her to actually die after everything. She had cancer in her brain and spine and then She had clots in her lung and there was nothing for them to do so she was sent home on hospice and passed 4 days later. It was so hard. Honestly Im so thankful for being her caregiver for the last 5 years. I spent so much time with her and really got to know her. She was my best friend. Im only 27 and just got engaged a month before she passed. Im so thankful she was able to see me get engaged. Everyone keeps asking whens the wedding now but I can’t picture a wedding without my mom. We were so so close. She was so excited for us to be engaged. I wish she could be here. All my family keeps saying is that she’ll be there in spirit but I can’t help but think how do I know that. I havent got no signs from her. I miss her so much. Im trying to start planning the wedding but I can’t help but cry every time I start. I want her back. I want her at my wedding dancing and having fun. I know how happy she would be. Lifes not fair.

    Thank you everyone for sharing your stories. They all have helped me in a way.

  133. Sarah  January 29, 2021 at 1:12 pm Reply

    Wow this has helped me so much. My mom passed April 18th, 2020. I’ve taken care if her since her stroke in 2015. Im only 27. My mom had so many health issues and so many near death experiences. I really never expected her to actually die after everything. I believe because of covid

  134. Em  January 28, 2021 at 1:02 am Reply

    Reading this worries me.
    I am 20 years old and my grandma was 64 she was my best friend and mother I lost her January 13th 2021 to renal cancer it happened quickly she was diagnosed in October and it took 4 months for god to take her. Sometimes I panic what if when someone dies it’s just like sleeping with out a dream I can’t feel her anywhere she promised to watch me and I know she would if she could she would she was always up my butt about everything I want to see a medium but just like everyone else I don’t find the idea of someone making money off something so sentimental appealing to me. I find myself awake at night a lot more that’s when I start to cry I wish I could have told her I loved her one more time I just need to talk be told it’s okay and she will meet me after but I hate that it’s gonna be a long time before I see her she was so special to me. I hope this gets better cause it only seems to get harder

    • Gloria  February 3, 2021 at 8:15 pm Reply

      I know exactly how you feel. I lost my mom to cancer 3 months ago. I too don’t feel her, and God I miss her. I told her to please give me sign, and she said she would pull my hair. I am still waiting…

  135. Andrew London  January 26, 2021 at 5:58 am Reply

    Hello everyone. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of this support group.

    I can truly relate to Gary when he said that he’s not the kind of person that says, “oh look there’s a butterfly, cardinal, rabbit, blue jay, robin, or deer… that must be my deceased wife.” No it’s not. It is just an animal. I agree with that 100%.

    And like Gary (and a few others here, most likely) I just can’t look at some animal, as if it’s Melissa popping in for a visit. I need a REAL sign from her.

    But some people say that our sorrow and grieving blocks the way and makes it impossible for contact to be made. Well, how can we end the sorrow? Mine is getting worse, not less. And I’ve been mourning a long time. I was 17 when she died. I’m 55 now.

    Similarly, I agree with Samantha as well. I feel that even if there are real mediums and psychics out there, the vast majority of them are charlatans that simply prey on the grieving, telling us what we want to hear in the hope of fleecing us of our money.

    Furthermore, I feel that the connection between us and our deceased loved ones is an intimate and loving relationship and so we shouldn’t need a go-between to make contact.

    Needless to say, I’ve NEVER used a medium, psychic, or clairvoyant to attempt contact Melissa. Even though I was raised Catholic, I later left Catholicism and investigated other paths. Over the years I pretty much ended up an atheist, figuring that most – if not all – religions are just man-made creations where the few control the many through a manipulation of fear and greed. I guess, what I’m trying to say is that I am more a man of science than a man of faith.

    However, over the years, I’ve experimented with shamanism (the practice and philosophy seems fairly grounded in science, well, as far as the teachings of Michael Harner go), hoping to possibly make a connection myself rather than using a middle-man (for reasons already stated above). So far, still nothing, but I’m trying to remain open, positive, and hopeful.

    There are other things that have been on my mind over the years as well, and that’s trying to get to the truth behind reality. I kind of touched on this idea in a previous post, but I’ll try to go into it a bit deeper here.

    Is making contact even possible? Or are we only tricking ourselves? What is reality anyway? Do our deceased loved ones see us, hear us, feel us? Are they trying to make contact with us? Do they miss us as much as we miss them?

    Do they even know they are dead? Melissa died in a terrible auto crash and was killed instantly. Some people believe that those that die suddenly and violently don’t even know that they’re dead.

    Is there a spirit world? Shamanism says there is, and it seems that the shamans actually have proof of this… well, moreso than other spiritual traditions anyway. But I can’t go into all that here for fear of getting off topic…

    Are they more alive in the spirit world than we are in the physical world? Yes, the questions are endless. And the answers are few.

    A while back I read a book – Communing With The Spirits by Martin Coleman – and one part in the book really gave me an “A-ha” moment. He said that he has contacted many spirits of deceased people (from various ethnic backgrounds and many different religions), and they ALL say the same thing : they are upset BECAUSE the afterlife is NOT what they were led to believe while they were among the living. According to Martin, it seems that ALL of the religions got it wrong. By the way, Martin is NOT a medium or a psychic. He considers himself a necromancer, which is basically the term used for those that practice European shamanism.

    Well, I’m not sure if we’re allowed to post URLs in this thread, and I hope that by me doing so doesn’t violate the site’s policies. But I just want to share this with everyone here. This is how I cope with my grief. Kind of…

    I’m an amateur pianist – not a professional by any stretch of the imagination. But nonetheless, much of what I compose is inspired by Melissa, and my love for her.

    Here is a piece that I wrote, titled, “Melissa’s Theme.” Her photo graces the track. The picture was taken a few months before her death.


    It’s not much, I know. But it’s my gift to her. It’s my own composition, so it comes from my heart. I often sit alone in my flat, playing this gentle piece, just gazing into her eyes in the photo, and hope against hope that she is there with me, listening to the music, and enjoying my company.

    I don’t post this to advertise my SoundCloud page or to boost my ego as a pianist. Nothing could be further from the truth.

    I’m just trying to show you what I do to cope with my grief. I wish she would come to me, in a dream, or a physical manifestation, or something. But in 38 long years there’s been nothing… no dreams, no fragrances drifting on the wind, no whispers in my ears, no nothing. It’s as if she just vanished into nothingness. That is the hardest thing to endure.

    I give you all my love.

  136. Andrew London  January 25, 2021 at 7:51 pm Reply

    Hi Kelly.

    I’m sooooo sorry for your loss. And your second guessing yourself over the horrible surgery has got to be REALLY tough. That’s heavy!

    Like you, I’ve not had any dreams (of Melissa)… and it’s been 38 years! I’m wondering if there is a time window for communications after death? Some say that once on the other side they are “out of time,” so maybe there isn’t any time limitations. I don’t know?

    What I do know is that I just can’t bring myself to use psychics or mediums. Using an outsider for something so intimate and personal just seems wrong. And how can they be trusted anyway? I’m sure there are good ones out there. Maybe. But the opportunity exists that many will just tell you what you want to hear in order to take your cash.

    Just do whatever you can to keep her alive in your heart. That’s what I do. I just hope it is enough…

  137. L.c  January 25, 2021 at 5:55 pm Reply

    I feel the exact same way. We were extremely close but I just wish I can feel her or have a dream about her

  138. Francesca  January 8, 2021 at 9:44 pm Reply

    I wonder if she knows how desperately I miss her and how much it hurts. I beg for her to visit me in my dreams.

    • Andrew London  January 17, 2021 at 8:16 pm Reply

      I feel the same way, Francesca. It hurts soooo bad. I miss her sooooo bad.

      • Roly  February 3, 2021 at 2:33 pm

        My wife of 7 years died in the bed right next to me after me being home a month and a half on MAY 18 2020 Its wasnt expected at all but I felt something weird a few weeks before like we were separating and I cried to her and asked her to stay that I wouldn’t know what to do if I lost her. She assured me that she wasnt going anywhere and we kept moving forward. I CHANGED THE WAY I LOVED HER!!! I started doing her hair and bathing her telling her how beautiful she was and so on basically undivided attention then BOOM basically I woke up and felt something weird in the aura long story short …Anyways I wasnt allowed to even process what had happened I had to deal with investigators and her family came 24 hours later and kicked me out… Homeless I didnt have a clue what to do I just kept the FAITH that she died in order to make a path for me and that my higher power would guide me AND to my amazement 3 months later I had a residence and a job. In a city that i never knew before or had even visited. Throughout being on the street I would speak to her and ask for a sign that things would get better that I wouldn’t go hungry that I would not get hurt and that I would be able to get back on track and be able to forgive her family. DOING so FREED me and IVE kept my word NO SIGNzZ till last night that’s how I came across this blog today and I must say her coming to me In the dream this morning was a Blessing. She assured me that I didn’t need her and my reply was no you’re wrong I need you and want you nothing has changed but the dimensions. WISHING YOU ALL HEAL LIGHT and BLESSINGzZ the secret is when you BELIEVE you will start to SEE!!!!!

      • Isabelle Siegel  February 4, 2021 at 10:34 am

        Roly, I’m truly so sorry for your loss and that you were forced to go through all of this. It sounds as though you and your wife had–and continue to have–such a special bond. Your ability to persevere and to continue to believe are inspiring. All the best to you.

  139. YURI  January 4, 2021 at 12:08 am Reply

    I lost my mom on 11/14/20, 11 days before her birthday. I lost my mom to COVID-19 and just like they say on TV she passed alone in the hospital. She had already been sedated for 30+ days and we had hope she would pull through.

    I would have never thought to write on one of these blogs but just like the original story I can’t feel her. I thought I would be able to sense her and it kills me that I can’t. I’m constantly looking for signs and constantly reaching out to her but nothing. It brings me a bit of comfort that I’m not alone in feeling this way.

    I can relate to you all that it is so painful.. it’s the most painful thing I’ve experienced. I’m 35 my mom was 60 and I can’t imagine life without her. My mom was a mother of 11 and 35 grandkids and we are all in disbelief.

    My question lately has been how do I continue with life?

    • IsabelleS  January 4, 2021 at 12:19 pm Reply

      Yuri, I’m so sorry for your loss. There are no words. I hope this website has provided you with even the slightest comfort and has shown you that, no matter what, you’re not alone. I completely understand asking yourself how to continue on… This is so normal and valid after a loss. Allow yourself not to know the answer: It’s okay if you can’t move forward just yet. Give yourself time and space to grieve. All the best.

    • Sarah  January 13, 2021 at 8:06 pm Reply

      This brought me to tears. I feel like I could’ve written every single word of this. I lost my mom in November to suicide. We were so bonded together that I truly thought I would be able to connect to the spirit world and that I’d still talk to her everyday. I look for her everywhere. I am constantly “chasing” her I feel like. Listening to her favorite songs. Watching her favorite movies. Feeding the ducks.
      Sometimes it doesn’t feel real. I’ve separated her into two different people in my head. My mom and the one who left me behind. It feels like she’s just somewhere else-somewhere with no phone service and she’ll be back soon. Grief is so weird. Life without my mom has been lonely. I feel like a child who was just dropped off for their first day of school and you’re watching your mom drive away welling up with tears.
      Nothing prepares you for losing your mother. I am an only child and the only person who hasn’t lived a single day without her.
      Sending you love. Thanks for writing this.

      • Ishita  January 19, 2021 at 11:11 pm


        I lost my maa on 7/11/2020 to covid and I am single child.. I am 26 and unmarried .. she meant the world to me .. she was all fine .. was preparing breakfast for me and all of a sudden things happened.. I have absolutely no idea how to live without her … The only thing I do whole day is looking for signs … I constantly keep on talking to her … I constantly keep on praying that please come and meet me in my dream. Sometimes I feel that she is listening to me and sometimes I don’t and that feeling is just killing … I still hope that one day she will definitely come and we will talk for hours .. I will share each and every thing about how I lived without her … I don’t know when that day will come .. I just want it to come .. even if it comes after my death .. but I want it to come .. I know it can’t while I am still alive .. but I really really want it to come after this life

      • Isabelle Siegel  January 22, 2021 at 11:01 am

        Ishita, I’m very sorry for your loss. I, too, hope that you will one day have this moment with your mother. For now, take care of yourself. Be compassionate and listen to your own needs. As difficult as it may be, you will get through this. All the best.

    • Andrew London  January 17, 2021 at 8:28 pm Reply

      Continuing is tough, Yuri. Some say “time heals all wounds,” but I can speak from experience when I say “some wounds NEVER heal.” I’ve been carrying this pain for 38 years and it doesn’t get easier. I go through good days and bad days. But my good days are when I’m just numb. Know what I mean. I miss her soooooo much. I know how you feel. I hope you can find a way.

    • Amanda  January 21, 2021 at 8:06 pm Reply

      Hi, I lost my mum on the 12th of April
      The day after you, my mums death was sudden and I’m heartbroken. I often wonder if it was the virus that took her. I’m so sorry about your mum. I’m the same I can’t feel her, I put posts up on Facebook pages with her picture but no one ever posts a message. I went to a psychic but didn’t feel it was really my mum, when I’m in bed at night and on my phone I do smell smoke and I wonder if it’s her, but if she is a spirit what does she do? Just float and watch me? It all confuses me, I miss her so much and I do believe that until our grief lifts, we can’t communicate with the spirit world as they are pure positive energy and we are low as we are grieving, I think that’s why they tell u to wait for a reading. Anyway I just want you to know you are not alone, losing your mum is terrible and it was Easter Sunday my mum went so Easter for me will always be a reminder that was the day my mum passed. Lots of love to u xxxx

      • Isabelle Siegel  January 22, 2021 at 10:26 am

        Amanda, I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope this article has communicated to you how normal it is to not “feel” your mother’s presence. Regardless, she is with you. All the best.

  140. Jennifer Hertlein  January 3, 2021 at 10:43 am Reply

    I lost my mom to cancer November 29,2020. She was diagnosed a year ago. Had a rough start finding the correct chemotherapy, months later one was found but made her sick. My dad was her caregiver (he also has many underlying issues) they have been married 51 years. Mom had a PET scan done August 30th and showed improvement. We were all so happy. November 11th she started to have stomach discomfort (I saw on her calendar-she wrote everything down) and felt extra nausea, and when she ate, starting that day forward she couldn’t keep it down. Dad decided to bring her to the hospital to see what was going on, if anything for hydration a week after she started with these new symptoms. He would take her for routine lab work all the time so he wasn’t as worried because every test showed she was doing great. He brought her to a small community hospital close to home, thinking she would get hydrated and this nausea would subside. I talked to my mom every day, if I missed a day we texted. We lived in different states. They kept her overnight to run more test because everything was reading nothing wrong. It was a weekend, small hospital so they told dad all the specialist couldn’t look at her until Monday, meanwhile she was getting worse while they waited. She started to retain fluid in her stomach. She died in hospice a week later. I was able to get on a plane and be there the end of that week she came home from the hospital with hospice. I took care of her and watched her deteriorate in days. Those days I cannot get out of my mind! Thanksgiving we decided to have her go to hospice house. I’m jumping all over the place with this, but it all happened in a week! Physically and emotionally I was unable to try and take care of her. In one day we even had a glimpse of hope to keep her alive. Finally got a hold of the oncologist to get some answers! Why did this happen? What happened? If we can get her to eat, can you treat this?? This was a day after she got home. She had stomach cancer.. in the lining of her stomach secondary to her very rare lung cancer (never smoker). The cancer that was improving. He said he sure can if we can get her well enough for a scan, but when he saw her she was way too sick. So we tried and tried and we were just fooling ourselves. There’s a reason I’m telling you this whole story. It’s because I feel robbed of my time with my best friend, my poor mommy. I’m mad, full of pain and it’s hard for me to try and get by day after day. It’s not getting better, there hasn’t been a day I haven’t cried. I can’t look at pictures or listen to saved VMs. My mind is full of memories only of her last week. I feel guilt. When I was able to talk with her before she went unconscious, I couldn’t talk to her about dying. When I tried taking care of her, did I put her unconscious with those “comfort meds” hospice left for me?? I miss her! I am also looking for signs of her constantly and I have nothing. I just wish some of this pain would lift! I have read every grief I can find in the past month, I even tried talking to a counselor and that was a joke. I do find some relief reading other’s stories. This article made me feel like I’m not the only one who hasn’t seen a sign of my mom that I desperately so want to see.

    • IsabelleS  January 4, 2021 at 1:11 pm Reply

      Jennifer, I’m so sorry for your loss… My heart goes out to you. I’m glad to hear that this article has shown you that you’re not alone in your feelings. After all, it’s so normal/common to search for signs and to come up short. I’m also sorry to hear that talking to a counselor was of no help. Sometimes it takes trying multiple therapists to find the right one… You can read more about this here: https://whatsyourgrief.com/finding-a-grief-counselor/ We recommend you look for a therapist specifically trained in grief and bereavement, which you can find here: https://grief.com/grief-counselor-directory/. All the best to you!

    • Andrew London  January 18, 2021 at 4:38 pm Reply

      Hi Jennifer.

      Yeah, jumping all over the place while telling the story is normal. I go through that too. I mean, the trauma of what we go through is very confusing. And it’s easy to get the chronological order of things wrong.

      Oh, maybe it’s just me? I’ve been carrying my grief for 38 years. Every year the chronological order of things gets harder and harder to recall. And this pain of loss just keeps getting worse. Everything is like in a haze for me.

      I’ve been depressed so long that the depression feels normal. It’s as if I’m afraid to not be depressed because the depression keeps her memory alive in my heart and I don’t want to lose that. I’ve lost enough already.

      I hope you can find some peace. This website does seem to help a little.

      • ishita garg  January 19, 2021 at 11:20 pm

        Hi Andrew,

        Really it’s been 38 long years ? I can totally understand !! I just can’t go off her thoughts even for 38 secs .. I just can’t believe that she is not there and will never come back. And yes even I am afraid of not being depressed .. I feel that’s the only thing which keeps me connected to her …

      • amaya  January 20, 2021 at 2:16 am





      • Andrew London  January 24, 2021 at 7:41 am

        Yes Ishita, it really has been 38 years.

        I know what you mean when you say that you are afraid of not being depressed because that’s the only thing which keeps you connected to her. I have been depressed for so long that it just feels normal now.

        I’m sorry I had to reply to me in order to send this but I couldn’t find a way to reply to your comment. I hope you see this.

        This forum is really confusing for me. If it’s this difficult to communicate with living people how can we hope to communicate with our deceased loved ones? I keep hoping. But…

  141. Tamarra  December 30, 2020 at 5:06 pm Reply

    Even though you may not believe that you feel your mother or that she is not with you believe me she is. I lost my mother January 12th, 2020. Days were long, months seemed unreal, I felt at times that I had grieved for 10 or 20 years. The days of nearly not being able to breathe and wondering what happened. I too felt the same and along the way she gave me signs and now I know she is with me everyday. Belief gets you there and you have to believe that. Your mother lives in you.
    Her blood runs in your veins, look in the mirror and see her. Sometimes that grief is so thick that she is trying to come through and you have to yes grieve and cry and let the bone shattering sorrow and sadness come. Then something amazing happens and your relationship with her changes. You start to move past the sorrow and the sadness and remember what she taught you. She taught you to go on and she wants you to release her. Let go of the the end of her life and how she died and remember her for how she was and always will be in your life. Once you do that, you will see and feel her everyday. It is truly a blessing to love someone that much and that hard and on the very backend of all the grief and sorrow, your relationship is now even more meaningful to you. That is love. That is what your mother will give you. Believe me, you have to have faith and remember who you are and what she taught you. Belief gets you there. Blessings.

    • IsabelleS  January 1, 2021 at 1:53 pm Reply

      Tamarra, thanks for taking the time to comment and to share your perspective. I’m so very sorry for your loss. Your words are so beautiful and important… They nearly brought tears to my eyes. Our loved ones live on through us. All the best.

  142. Michelle Ford  December 19, 2020 at 5:53 pm Reply

    I just lost my dear mommy a week ago..maybe 2 weeks now..its been such a blur..she was fine..we just had Thanksgiving and she got to meet my soon mother in law. Then.. I talked to her everyday but I had known she had a dr appt. So i thought nothing.couldnt get her the second day i sent the cop for a wellness check we walked thru the house thought he was gonna have to put out an apb but he walked thru one more time and he found her..my life was over. I saw my mommy..my best friend..my life lying there naked and motionless..she was so cold..she had a massive heart attack she was 65..im in shock..i cant stop crying..my only other family is my lil sis and she wont come see me or us comfort each other..see shed rather b at the bar daily than w me..shes an alcoholic mom was too in her own way..but help me someone im in so much pain i dont think i can do it..go on without her..anybody know any free mediums..ive used my spirit board..if it was her..

    • IsabelleS  December 21, 2020 at 11:19 am Reply

      Michelle, I’m so very sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you. The immense pain you’re experiencing is so normal and valid. That being said, I wish there was something I could do to take it away. It may be helpful to seek out the support of a therapist trained in grief, which you can find here: https://grief.com/grief-counselor-directory/. If you are thinking of hurting yourself, or even if you just need someone to talk with, please call the National Suicide Helpline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit their website where you can do a live online chat https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ All the best.

    • Yeidelin Tirpanciyan  December 31, 2020 at 2:23 am Reply

      I’m so sorry for your loss😞❤️🙏🏼 I’m going through similar situation my dearest mom passed away 3 days before thanksgiving, I’m devastating she was in Cuba and I couldn’t be there in her last breath, she passed from heart failure she had heart condition at her 79 years old. She was my everything, we were really close like best friend and still I can’t believe it she’s gone. I prayed to God to give her the light she needs and to Rest In Peace🕊🙏🏼 But I’m still looking for a sign and trying to feel anything but not really much luck. I want to believe but the grief is hitting hard and this pain doesn’t let me see the reality, I hope time will heal all of us who’s going through this sadness and give us the acceptance we need to keep going ❤️🙏🏼 Be well and remember crying is a relief of healing is not part of weakness. God blessed their soul and let the angels of beautiful mom’s watch over us.🕊🙏🏼

      • IsabelleS  January 1, 2021 at 1:42 pm

        Yeidelin, I’m so very sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine how difficult it was to not be by your mother’s side when she passed. You’re so right: Crying (and any other way we express emotion!) is NOT a sign of weakness… It’s a sign of strength! All the best to you.

  143. Kaitlyn Olson  December 15, 2020 at 4:04 pm Reply

    Hi there, I lost my Mom almost 6 months ago on June 20, 2020. I was two months shy of turning 16, and when my Mama passed away I thought I was going to cry myself to death. We were best friends, she was my person; the one I always knew would have my back, and love me. I thought about ending my own life about a week after she passed because life seemed like I would never be happy again. I looked into my brother’s and sister’s eyes-all 4 of them- and I just knew that if I was gone who would teach them how to swim, who wold be there to help with their homework, who would love them no matter what?! I stood up and I told myself, and all of my demons that I am not going anywhere for a very long time, and I know for a fact that my Mama is here with me. I know that some people can’t feel their loved ones with them, but I feel my Mom everywhere. I smell her perfume, and I hear her voice in different rooms calling my name. She used to walk by me and touch the top of my head very softly; the day after she died I felt someone touch the top of my head, and I honestly thought it was my Great-Nana, but no one was there. My Mom was a kind, funny, and loving Mom. She won’t get to meet her Grandchildren one day, but she will be with them. God bless anyone who shares the same dreadful pain of losing a parent, and you are strong, and brave, and beautiful. Don’t let anyone tell you differerent. You are loved…

    • IsabelleS  December 17, 2020 at 10:17 am Reply

      Kaitlyn, thank you for taking the time to comment and to share your story. Once again, I’m so sorry for your loss. Your mother sounds like an incredible woman who will be missed dearly. I hope this website/community brings you some comfort and shows you that you’re not alone.

    • Superna  December 21, 2020 at 5:56 am Reply

      I too lost my mom. On 26th October, 2020 to be precise. She was detected with last stage cancer and passed away within two months. What I feel is anger and resentment of her passing away. I feel a numb kind of pain whic does not seem to go away. My only sibling, an elder sister, lives in UK, while I live in India, with my daughter and husband. I don’t get a comforting feeling from my husband and my daughter is right before her class XII exams so I don’t bother her. I try very hard to feel my mom around me but don’t. I want to see her in my dreams but haven’t been able to do so. I wanted to reach out to share my pain but also try and share yours. I am 47 and you are just 16 but somewhere I feel you are braver. I send you my blessings and strength so that you can look after your siblings in a way your mom would have. But in the process don’t forget to look after yourself. Love

      • IsabelleS  December 21, 2020 at 10:33 am

        Superna, I’m so very sorry for your loss. Thank you for taking the time to comment and to share your perspective… I hope you can follow your own advice: Don’t forget to look after yourself. I hear that you’re not getting the support you need from your husband. Can you communicate your specific needs with him? You may want to check out this article: https://whatsyourgrief.com/basic-grief-needs/ I also hear that you’re experiencing a lot of anger and resentment. This article may be helpful to you: https://whatsyourgrief.com/all-about-anger/ Please be gentle with yourself. All the best.

      • Shivani Thakur  December 30, 2020 at 1:38 pm

        Superna, I lost my mom on the 29th October 2020. Its been two months and life is so so difficult. I wish and wish she was here with me. I try to keep busy but the times when I sit alone, I break down 🙁

    • Amaya  December 28, 2020 at 6:31 pm Reply

      I’m sorry for the loss of your mother and that the signs were not what you expected .
      I lost my older son at 29 I had him very young I was 14 when I became pregnant had him at 15 I fell in love with my lil baby he was my joy it’s been 2 years now but I have to say I was lucky to receive signs from him from seeing orbs , light flickering , evps ect. and a legit medium that validated he was with me up until a couple of months I’ve had no more signs My sister just passed 5 months ago and she agreed on giving me sighs like my son did for us but I have not received not one and I’m still waiting I guess it just depends on something else we
      Know nothing about .

      • IsabelleS  December 29, 2020 at 1:12 pm

        Amaya, I’m so sorry that you’ve had to endure two major losses over the past few years. I’m happy to hear that you are continuing your bond with your son even after he has passed. I, too, hope that your sister sends you a sign. Sometimes these things take time! All the best.

      • Shivani Thakur  December 30, 2020 at 1:39 pm

        I lost my mom on the 29th of oct 2020.,but I have seen no signs . It breaks my heart i feel that she is upset and angry with me and thats why didn’t show me her being 🙁

      • IsabelleS  December 30, 2020 at 3:29 pm

        Shivani, I’m so very sorry for your loss. I hope this article has shown you that your mother is not upset with you and that, regardless of whether or not she sends you signs, she is always with you. All the best.

      • Andrew London  January 19, 2021 at 4:19 am

        Amaya, I’m so sorry for your losses. Bith of them. I’m glad you got to experience your son from the other side, but am sorry that your sister has not come through yet. I can totally relate.

        Melissa died in 1983 and I’ve had no sign either. 38 years is a long time to grieve and wait (my story is below). But I’m still grieving, and waiting, and I’m still trying to make contact.

        Yes, it’s like Tamarra has said above :: sometimes the grief is so thick… and you grieve and cry and let the bone shattering sorrow and sadness come…

        But are they really trying to come through? Is any of this “real?” How do we even define “reality?”

        The religious people are always talking about entering into a relationship with God or Jesus or what-have-you. But that seems difficult enough… to have a relationship with some invisible archtype power that one’s never met… I just want to continue the relationship that I already had; the relationship that death severed.

        I’ve run the gamut of emotions… everything from sorrow to frustration to depression to even anger. I went from believing in a God to becoming an atheist, for how could a loving, all-compassionate deity do this? But after nearly four decades, while I’m not exactly a believer again, I guess I’ve just turned to hope. Know what I mean? I don’t want to “believe,” I want to “know.” But if I can’t know, I guess I’ll just hope. Hoping against hope. That someday she’ll return.

        Even continuing on is difficult. But I’ve made it this far. How, I have no idea? Just one day at a time, I guess? But still, it feels like a dream. A horrible nightmare from which I can’t awake. Can you relate? I’m sure you can.

        Some people say that they can feel us, see us, hear us, even if we can’t see, feel, or hear them. So I hope that’s true. I talk to hear multiple times every day. I visit her grave. I sit for hours just staring into her eyes while holding her photo. I call out to her constantly. Every meal I eat, I invite her to the table; I talk to her while I eat, and even share my food with her.

        Some might say I’m losing it. Am I? Perhaps I need a therapist rather than a medium? I’ll take my chances with neither.

        Regardless of belief or non-belief, religion or spirituality, I’m hoping that love with find a way. If the love is strong enough, the miracle can happen.

        Sorry this was so long. I hope you can find your peace…

      • Andrew London  January 23, 2021 at 6:18 am

        Hi Amaya, thanks for the nice reply. I’m having problems with navigating this forum. It seems that some people that reply have a clickable thingy where I can respond to them and some don’t. I can’t find how to respond to Ishita Garg. She left me a nice reply too. And I’m not getting email notifications either.

        Wow, if I can’t make contact with living people on the internet, what hope is there in reaching our loved ones on the other side? Yes, this is very frustrating.

      • Andrew London  January 23, 2021 at 6:58 am

        Oh yeah, and I forgot to mention that I understand your feeling at being upset with God. I went through that too. Still do. In fact, I’m not sure what I believe anymore. Nothing makes sense. The religious clergy seem as insidious as mediums and charlatans. So since I don’t “know,” and since I can’t “believe,” I’m reduced to just hoping. Hoping that she can hear me, see me, feel me, and know what’s in my heart. But can she?

        Some will tell us that the dead can see us and are always trying to contact us, usually without success. But I say what kind of a God would create such a world, where they can see us, where we can’t see them, and where communication is all but non-existent.

        Of course, the scientists tell us that consciousness does not exist after the body dies, and all of our misery is in vain.

        So be it. If it’s in vain, so be it. I can’t shut off my love. I miss her so badly. Her loss and this grief has become a part of my being. I can’t shut it off. Nor would I want to, for fear of losing what little I have of her.

        By the way, I’m not sure you’ll get this. It seems that the moderator is not approving some of my comments. I’m not sure why? I’m not posting anything bad.

      • Isabelle Siegel  January 25, 2021 at 10:11 am

        Hi Andrew: I was unable to moderate comments during the weekend, which is why yours were not posted up until now. No worries–They should all be available on the site now.

      • Andrew London  January 23, 2021 at 4:53 pm

        Hi Amaya.

        Wow, that soul phone sounds interesting. It sure would be nice if it was true – just pick up your cell phone and make a call. Or they could call us. But is it possible? I’ll have to investigate the website more thoroughly. I watched a few videos there but it seems like it’s still in the developmental stages, so…

    • Dawn  January 11, 2021 at 8:03 pm Reply

      Kaitlyn, you are mature beyond your years. So sorry for your loss.
      I lost my mom in Sept. and I miss her so intensely..I too feel my hair touched lightly! I talk to her in my mind all the time.
      Bless you for stepping up to help your siblings.

  144. Manjusha  December 11, 2020 at 12:17 am Reply

    I feel the same way….y my father is not communicating with me….I feel everything is inside my…I can’t release my pain….I can’t feel him….

    • IsabelleS  December 11, 2020 at 9:59 am Reply

      Manjusha, I’m very sorry for the loss of your father. I hope this article has shown you how normal and okay it is not to “feel” the presence of a deceased loved one. Don’t be so hard on yourself. All the best to you.

      • Andrew London  January 25, 2021 at 7:22 pm

        Thank you, Isabella.

    • Kara  December 26, 2020 at 1:09 am Reply

      I’m so very sorry for the loss of your mom. I lost my Dad this summer while he, and my 9 year old son and I were caught in a dangerous rip current in SC. I don’t know how my son and I got out of it, but my father wasn’t as lucky. He saved my sons life by somehow throwing him to me while he got pulled out over 25 feet further into the ocean .. but seeing him lifeless on the beach and replaying the whole event, still haunts me everyday. I so desperately want to “feel” my Dad around me as well.

      Hours after he passed away, a news reporter posted a picture of a double rainbow that appeared right over the spot where we were caught in the ocean, and I took that as a sign. Days after, rainbows showed up everywhere I looked, and every time I was upset. But now, months later, nothing. I’m starting to question everything as just a coincidence now. I am so sad. I know exactly what you’re going through.

      I talked to a couple mediums as well … one better than the other, but now that too I question.

      • IsabelleS  December 26, 2020 at 10:18 am

        Kara, I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope this article has shown you how common it is not to “feel” a loved one’s presence after he/she has passed. It’s normal and okay to question the signs you have received, so be gentle with yourself. Your grief is what connects you to him. All the best to you.

  145. Samantha Reynolds  December 10, 2020 at 7:28 am Reply

    Dear Ones
    I lost my mom 6 weeks ago. she was the light of my life and the person I loved and cherished the most.

    I won’t get into the details here except to say it was a big shock and I saw her pass away.

    The message I want to share is firstly, my heart breaks for all of you and anyone suffering such a loss. it’s unspeakable and indescribable.

    It is natural (myself absolutely included, which is why I was drawn to this post) to want a ‘sign’ that our loved one is still close by. It’s the ultimate comfort, isn’t it, when we can no longer see or communicate with them.

    I don’t want to criticise anyone’s beliefs or experiences but i DO want to gently share some words of caution.

    PLEASE do not take what psychics and mediums say to heart. It can be truly hurtful. If you watch Derren Brown’s episode on psychics and mediums it exposes this.

    They prey on grieving, desperate people who cling to anything that may vaguely make sense and he shows how to do it – very scary!

    What i will say is that if you think or it comforts you when see for example a dragonfly that it’s your mom, there is nothing wrong with that.

    But if if you don’t – realise that this is no reflection on yoyr relationship with your loved one or how much they love you.

    People often attatch meaning to things and then say they felt something and then you feel bad you didn’t. Maybe this is just their interpretation of random things?

    As for dreams – they really are just random subconscious collections – again, if you have a nice dream of your loved one and it comforts you, that’s fine.

    I think of my mom night and day and have only had 2 dreas about her – one lasted a few seconds and the other she was actually annoyed with me which was weird as she never was when she was alive!

    I dream of celebrities and random people and people i haven’t seen for 30 years more than my mom.

    instead, take comfort in THIS: Your loved one lives on within you. you don’t need any signs to know this to be true. If they are a grandparent, parent, child or sibling, you literally share their DNA! They are biologically a part of you!

    Also, you have inherited many of their personality traits – these are part of you!

    They also shaped who you are today so they made you who you are!

    I this way, you’ll realise that they DO and WILL always live on in and through you.

    Also, I would recommend reading some spiritual texts like Thich Nhat Han who is a Zen Buddhist monk and Khalil GIbran and Rumi, who all write very beautifully about loss and death and grief.

    Stop looking for signs (i do it too!) and look in the palm of your hand instead becuase they are right there, a part of you.

    We carry our loved ones in our hearts – they are that close!

    • IsabelleS  December 11, 2020 at 10:09 am Reply

      Thank you for taking the time to comment and to share your perspective. Everything you said is so important!

    • Sandy  January 16, 2021 at 11:05 pm Reply

      Sorry to hear this but your love ones hand around until they get use to the spirit world a lot right after they leaves, after that they come n go as many times as they please they have at least 1 person in the family that they connect too and to let you know they are at peace… I have so much I can share with you I have pictures of my love one and even a recording of him talking trust me they can hear you and watching over you all the time

    • Andrew London  January 23, 2021 at 6:28 am Reply

      Hi Samantha.

      Yes, I totally agree with you concerning mediums and psychics. That’s why I’ve never used them in all these years.

      However, the DNA thingy doesn’t apply to me. Melissa and I weren’t related. My story is below so no need to repost it here.

      I totally get what you mean about dreams too. I’ve experienced much the same. I’ll dream of strangers, but not Melissa. Never Melissa.

      It’s hard for me to believe she’s been gone for 38 years. She was 17 when she died on that horrible car crash. Her photos are older that her!

      I really don’t know how I’ve managed to survive without her. But yeah, I’m growing old without her. But every year that passes gets harder, not easier.

      We all grieve in our own way, I guess.

  146. Quentin Trumiel  December 9, 2020 at 7:39 pm Reply

    My mom has passed November 18th 2020 from cancer. She was was doing so good and very healthy oneday she had a stroke and everything went downhill from there. My mom was a strong lady she couldn’t accept that she couldn’t move her hands and walk like she use to. Every time she would try and walk I would jump up so fast just to help her it didn’t matter what i was doing at the tome. Me and my family grew up in a different way then most we never said i love you to each other. Even though i love my mom we so much and i know she love me to it was a word that was never said in our house. I remember when she first told me she had cancer i cried for hours praying and begging god not to let her die. When she finally passed i was so sad but i was very mad. I still cant accept that she is gone i try to see if i can feel her around me but I can’t. Also i have talk to seven different psychics and they all have said something totally different. One psychic told me she wasn’t ready to die then the next one said she was ready to go after that i talk to another psychic and she told me my mom was all over the place i didnt know what to say about that. But the last one said that my mom didn’t feel like talking right now and to come back in February. I kinda laugh but for someone reason i keep thinking about that. Is it true why wouldn’t she want to talk to me and why wait to February i hope that i can connect with her so bad i really need to i miss her so much im even crying now. I don’t know how I’m going to go on the rest of my life without my mommy.

    • IsabelleS  December 11, 2020 at 10:17 am Reply

      Quentin, I’m truly so sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you. The emotions you’re feeling–the anger, sadness, difficulty accepting reality–are all so normal and valid during the grieving process. I too hope you and your mother can connect soon… But even if not, be gentle with yourself. These things can take time!

    • STAN  December 16, 2020 at 10:39 am Reply

      This same cancer of a disease. just this year I’ve lost both my mum and uncle to this cancer which was in a span of 3 months I loved my mother so much. it still hurts for me to wake up and realize she’s not in existence anymore. I’ve entered depression and have also thought of alternative ways to die without suicide all of this broke me. Sometimes I go to the mirror and ask myself why did 2020 do this to you. Sometimes I just feel like vanishing, this year was the absolute worst.

      • IsabelleS  December 17, 2020 at 9:46 am

        Stan, I’m so sorry for the multiple losses you’ve experienced in such a short period of time. You may want to check out this article: https://whatsyourgrief.com/cumulative-grief-aka-grief-overload/ It may be helpful to seek out the support of a therapist trained in grief and bereavement, which you can find here: https://grief.com/grief-counselor-directory/. If you are thinking of hurting yourself, or even if you just need someone to talk with, please call the National Suicide Helpline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit their website where you can do a live online chat https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ Please be gentle with yourself. All the best to you.

      • Andrew London  January 23, 2021 at 7:09 am

        Hi Stan.

        You’re talking about COVID-19, right?
        I lost an aunt to COVID the week before Christmas. There were a couple of co-workers succumb to COVID last month as well. So yes, 2020 was not a good year by far.

        I also know what you mean about seeking ways to die. I’ve been dealing with my grief for 38 years. My story is below. How I’ve survived this long is a mystery to me. But I keep on living. I have good days and bad says. But my good days are probably worse than most people’s bad days, so go figure.

        Most of the time I’m just numb. Just taking things one day at a time. I don’t drink or do drugs. I don’t see a therapist. I don’t go to mediums or psychics. Untill finding this site, I just kept my pain hidden to myself. Only 2 of my closest friends know my pain. Not even my family knows the burden I carry.

        I hope you can find a way.

  147. Victoria  December 5, 2020 at 7:34 am Reply

    Thank you so much for this article, my mom also passes from cancer on Nov. 17th of this year. My entire family is close but me and my mom spent the most time together, like you I have been desperate for a sign a dream anything to feel her again but nothing. I hate the night time I feel like it is the worst and that I can physically feel my heart breaking in my chest. My sister and I have been talking about hummingbird tattoos, I want to go to a psychic but also afraid of a bad experience and them telling me bad things. I hope your grief is getting easier I am still in it.

  148. Annette  November 29, 2020 at 4:54 pm Reply

    Dear Friend, I am so sorry for the painful loss of your Dear, Beloved Mother, your Best Friend. It’s a very painful loss we have to experience. It’s just awful. I am with you in spirit and I am praying hard for you. Your wonderful Mother was a very special person, and She raised such a sweet and Caring and Compassionate Daughter-You. I lost my beloved Mother on January 8,2020at 7:38 pm. She had cancer and Alzheimer’s. She suffered terribly. She was a wonderful Kind and Nice person. I miss her every day.

    Please take good care of yourself and know we all Love you and we support you and we send you Our Collective ❤️ Love to you.

  149. Chloe  November 27, 2020 at 8:17 pm Reply

    My Nan passed away in September, really suddenly and unexpectedly. It’s the first time I’ve experienced loss or felt grief like it. I thought I’d be able to feel my Nan around me or her give me a sign from wherever she is. But I don’t. Other family members have felt things and heard her in their sleep, but me nothing. It’s making her feel really distant to me and makes the thoughts and feelings of her being gone seem really strong. I hope eventually I feel her presence around and she doesn’t always seem so far away.

    • IsabelleS  November 30, 2020 at 11:18 am Reply

      Chloe, I’m so sorry for your loss. I hope this article has shown you how normal it is to not feel a loved one’s presence after a death. I understand that this can be distressing, but please know that there is nothing wrong with you. I too hope that, with time, your Nan feels close to you again. For now, be gentle with yourself.

  150. Anika  November 14, 2020 at 3:12 am Reply

    This article truly resonates with me. What I googled was why do I feel like my Mom’s spirit is in me like at times I’m seeing the world through her eyes or looking in the mirror and not seeing myself but seeing her. I lost my Mom in April this year. Like you, my Mom was my best friend we spoke on the phone all the time, she was the one person I would talk to about everything that was going on in my life. The last time I saw her was July 2019 she lived in my home country I live in the US. Because of covid I wasn’t able to go when she had a stroke the week before she passed and have been unable to go there since. What was ironic was we had plans for her to come live with us and she kept putting it off until she got herself organized and finally decided that this past August would have been when she would have made the move. I went into a severe depression to the point of not even wanting to be here anymore, I still feel that way at times. The thing that helped to ease my pain somewhat was visiting a medium. I received validation that my Mom isn’t somewhere in the heaven sky or buried under the ground but is actually a living spirit that is still here with me. I know this for sure. I dreamed about her 4 times since she passed. Twice I could only see her back to me, once she was with my Granny and Uncle who both passed on the side of the highway and I was in a car that was driving by and wanted to get out to be with them but the car kept driving. The last and most recent time she came into her previous home and her landlord was in disbelief that she came because he said she was dead. I took her hands and said Mom you died on April 12 and she had the most confused look like she was trying to process how can she be dead. Since I visited the medium I see an orange butterfly often times and I know that is her connecting with me, orange was her favorite color. Actually when I was last home she just turned to me and told me in detail how she wanted to be buried in an orange dress. Fortunately she was able to get that wish granted through a good friend on mine providing her burial outfit, for a funeral I could not attend but looked at on Facebook live 😢. My heartache comes not in not knowing or seeing signs that my Mom is here with me because she is definitely sending me signs daily through music, the butterfly, I even see her spirit when I am meditating. I too have moved away from religion at first being angry with “God” for taking my Mom away when she was so close to being here with us and knowing that move would have signaled a fresh start for her as she struggled a lot during the last years of her life. In the medium reading she referenced a friend of mine who does meditation sessions which I was always invited to but never got around to attending. I now attend his biweekly meditation calls and it’s the only thing that is helping the anxiety and panic I feel every day I wake up knowing that my Mom is no longer in this world. My heart aches because even though I am getting very clear physical signs I feel no connection to the signs. I have a hard time looking at my Mom’s pictures or even thinking about her because when I do she feels like such a distant person to me, it feels empty as if we never had the strong bond that we did have. And it hurts that I can’t even think about the one person who always thought about me and was such an integral and constant part of my life. Sometimes it feels like she never even existed. And I don’t understand why I feel nothing when I think of her. I don’t know if it is that my heart is so broken that it doesn’t know how to feel anything anymore. I feel numb at times like I am just a walking zombie in a world where everything around me is “normal” but I’m an outsider looking at it all unfolding but not truly a part of it. My Mom was always there for people even the ones who didn’t deserve her time and love. And even now I feel like she is still showing up for me even though I feel nothing when I see the signs that she’s there, just as she would have in the physical by always being there for the people around her even though they showed her they didn’t love her. So she is still sticking with me as I try to work through this phase which I hope is truly a phase and reach to a point where when I see her picture I can actually feel the love in my heart for her that I’ve always had and that I can smile and think about the great times we had. Because now I can’t even truly recall things we did together and how it felt being around her, hearing her voice, seeing her smile, touching her hand, hugging her. The memories just aren’t coming into my mind. Somehow I just can’t bring them back. It just feels so distant like someone I knew a really long time ago or never even knew at all. And it’s heartbreaking because we were so close. We did everything together over the years. Unlike with my Granny who has passed almost 15 years ago I can still feel how the wrinkles on her arms felt cause I loved to sit and stroke her arm, I can hear her voice, see her smile and really feel the moment of the memory in my mind. It’s just not that way with my Mom I just can’t feel her. The visit with the medium and my loss in faith in religion had lead me to study things of a spiritual nature to gain a better understanding of what truly happens when we die because I have seen evidence that spirit is still here with us when they depart from the physical. I hope that one day the veil of grief and the pain I am going through will lift so I can feel my Mom’s presence in my life and truly smile genuinely knowing that she is right here with me.

    • IsabelleS  November 16, 2020 at 11:20 am Reply

      Anika, I am so sorry for your loss. I understand how bittersweet it is to feel your mother’s presence… You feel lucky to feel her, but the pain is so fresh and difficult to endure. I too hope that one day you will be able to smile at her presence. For now, be gentle with yourself. It may be helpful to seek out the support of a therapist trained in grief, which you can find here: https://grief.com/grief-counselor-directory/. If you are thinking of hurting yourself, or even if you just need someone to talk with, please call the National Suicide Helpline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit their website where you can do a live online chat https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

    • Karrie  November 16, 2020 at 2:59 pm Reply

      I’m so glad I read your post. I feel guilty that I don’t or can’t feel my mom who passed away April 18, 2020 from Covid-19. She was diagnosed with Lung cancer in January that metastasized to her liver. We knew she was terminal but we promised her we would be next to her holding her hand as she crossed over. But we couldn’t because of coronavirus COVID-19 killed my mom. Last time I saw my mom was March 13 as she was leaving my home with my older sister back to the hospital because the chemo made her neutropenic she wasn’t able to fight off infection due to no white blood cells. I knew in my heart it was the last time she would be at my home with me & my 3 kids. As I packed her things that morning she kept saying don’t forget to pack my extension cord Karrie…at the last minute I took it out of her bag and kept it…i had an awful feeling it was the last time she would be sleeping over.
      My mom was staying in a nursing home because the chemo heightened her beginning signs of dementia and made her legs weak. She had 1 more round of chemo left & the tumors were shrinking. A week before she passed she called my sister saying she couldn’t breathe & was scared