If She’ll Always Be With Me, Why Don’t I Feel Her?

Understanding Grief / Understanding Grief : Eleanor Haley


Written and shared with us by our grief-friend, Cara Jeanne. Sharing with all of you, because we have a feeling many of you will relate. 

“She’ll always be with you.”

“You’ll know she’s there.”

“She’ll never really leave.”

These are the very kind and infuriating things people have said to me over and over again since my mom died in 2012. I needed to believe that this would be true. That as she was dying in hospice, it would all be ok because I would always feel her presence; I would obviously receive messages from her. See, because if there was any mother-daughter combo who would certainly keep in touch once the veil had come between us, it would be my mom and me.

We were extraordinarily close. She was absolutely my best friend. We talked every day and we saw each other several times every week, scheduled and spontaneous time together. She was cheerful, hysterical, compassionate, easy-going, generous, and spiritual. Obviously, we would keep in touch just like everyone said we would.

My mom was all those things. Apparently, though, she was not a Jedi. So imagine my surprise when my mom’s body finally took its last breath and she did not immediately become one with the Force all around me.

I didn’t feel any pang of telepathic pain when she finally let go. I had spent every night in the hospice center with her for a week straight, and of course, the one night I went home to sleep in my bed instead of her chair, she died. I learned about it through a voicemail from my dad. I hadn’t even woken up when the phone rang. Maybe our spiritual connection was just experiencing a delay?

And then, who knows what happened those next few days. There was a memorial service. There was a slide show. There was a luncheon. There were people. And so many of those people told me not to worry because I would always feel her with me.

But I didn’t.

So I went to a psychic medium. Three times. Mom came through. Told me to look for yellow flowers and white moths. Told me to quit drinking diet soda. Told me that she was always with me in my thoughts and I needed to stop looking so hard for signs.

I went to different spiritual places, all different denominations. Maybe if I prayed for her, if I meditated on it, I’d feel her.

I put faith in talismans. I started wearing her wedding ring on a chain around my neck. I got two tattoos to get closer to her. I practiced playing her piano. Maybe if I had these pieces of her with me all the time, I’d feel her.

I saw yellow flowers everywhere. I saw white moths everywhere. I stopped drinking diet soda. I addressed the thoughts in my head to my mom. I prayed and meditated. I wore her ring. I ran my fingers over the outline of my grief tattoos. I played her favorite songs.

But I just couldn’t feel her. What I felt was defective. I certainly couldn’t admit to people that my mom had not “reached out” to me. Was our relationship not as close as I had thought? Was she ok? Was she trying to reach out to me and I couldn’t hear her? I kept it to myself and just doubled-down on my efforts. I got a third tattoo quickly followed by a fourth one — a large tattoo with two yellow flowers and a white moth.

While I love my grief tattoos and the story they tell, a story of a daughter who desperately wants to be as close to her mother as possible, I still don’t feel my mom.

As the years have passed by, I feel less shame about this. I’m not the only one, it turns out, who hasn’t been able to “feel” their loved one. It turns out, none of us is a Jedi. I miss her. I miss her in a way that I didn’t know was possible. I feel so far from her. And that’s when I feel her.

I feel her in the way I can’t feel her at all. It is my sadness, the bittersweet joy of knowing that I once had the perfect mom for me, it is my longing that lets me feel her.

Relate? Thought? Leave a comment! As always, subscribe to get our new posts and other grief resources right to your email! 

Let’s be grief friends.

We post a new article to What’s Your Grief about once a week. Subscribe to stay up to date on all our posts.

Related Blog Posts

Related Blog Posts

See More

65 Comments on "If She’ll Always Be With Me, Why Don’t I Feel Her?"

Click here to leave a Comment
  1. Jenni  October 18, 2020 at 5:14 pm Reply

    I lost my mum a month ago and I have been angry that I havent felt her presence I did see a robin in the garden somthing I never have and took that as a sign .

    But i am disappointed there wasnt more when my father died 15 years ago i could feel his presence as could my partner even when we went on holiday I could feel my dads presence sitting in the living room.

    But when my grandmother passed the year before i never felt or had any connection despite the fact we were very close.

    I have come to the conclusion now as I rarely feel my dads presence at all perhaps some people cross all the way over immedietly and others over time as they are at peace .

    • IsabelleS  October 19, 2020 at 11:09 am Reply

      Jenni, I am so very sorry for the losses you have endured. I hope this article has communicated to you how normal and valid your experiences are. It is completely okay to be angry that you don’t feel your loved ones’ presences at all times. I hope you know that they are still with you.

  2. Kelly  October 17, 2020 at 5:15 am Reply

    Wow, I never knew that there were so many other people who were experiencing this as well. I’ve been almost ashamed to admit it to anyone I know. Anyway, I lost my Dad to cancer in 2016 at the age of 57 in which he only lived 8 months from diagnosis. Then came the literal WORST day of my life 2 years later, April 28th, 2018. My Mom lived with me as she did most of my adult life, and she had successful routine neck surgery and had been home from the hospital for 8 days at this point. I got up the morning of the 28th at 4 am for work and I could see her bathroom light from across my bedroom and my dogs were freaked out and that’s when I saw her body. She was on the ground in the bathroom half hanging over the tub stuck in between the toilet. The second I saw her eyes I knew. I’m sorry im crying hysterically right now typing this and it’s been 2 years for me so im so very sorry for those of you who are presently experiencing this. I wasn’t able to give her CPR, my husband had to. I know that sounds so awful but I knew, I just did but I should have tried anyway. Guilt, shame, remorse it’s all real. My mom had just turned 60. She was just going to become a grandma for the 1st time, she had so many plans, most of all, I was NOT ready for her to leave. She was extremely religious which after all of this had me so angry. For those of you who are struggling with religion now, I believe that this is pretty common in grief. I went through it with my Dad as well. This feels different though. The 1st week I had friends and family messaging me how they had dreams about her etc etc. It took 6 months to have a dream of my dad, never one since and never a sign. But I had this thought that as close as my mom was with God of course she would give me a sign. NOTHING!! Very hard pill to swallow at times when my sisters who didn’t have the same relationship tell me how often they do. The guilt even after 2 years is unbearable. The one thing I try to remember is the word faith. My mom would always tell me to have it so I’m trying to have the faith in myself to be able to move forward. Sometimes im not sure if I can but know I have no choice. I get told you have to be open to seeing the signs but the things I’ve seen so far have been a coincidence more than anything. I convinced myself at 1st that they were signs of her because at least it was something. I do pretend that every time I find a penny that it’s a penny from Heaven. I hope you all find peace and happiness 💜✌🏻

  3. Kristan  October 4, 2020 at 10:46 pm Reply

    I lost my beautiful wife 2 months ago to breast cancer, she was only 40 yrs old and we have 2 young kids. I’ve been to Psychics and Mediums before, even before my wife passed and after she passed away I’ve been to several. 3 of these Mediums have provided some validation and are really good. All of them told me that my wife didn’t want to die and if she has to choose where she is now and staying with her young family, she would choose to stay alive….but things happen for a reason, my wife said she doesn’t know the answer now but in a couple of months, she will.
    She will always be with us particularly our kids, she said she watches them at night when they are asleep and she’s around the house. I couldn’t feel her though. Her sisters already have dreams about her but I haven’t had any…I felt that I am being punished for what, i dont now.

    I just couldn’t feel my wife’s spirit at all, she’s around according to the Mediums….but she’s not around me.

    1
  4. Christina  August 29, 2020 at 6:30 pm Reply

    Touching stories, I’ll share mine with no real intent but just that I have stories to tell hopefully it will touch one of you or help You understand. In 2000 I lost my grandmother while holding her hand while living in her house and for a while I felt nothing but when it came time for the estate sale my two-year-old started quoting her words although he had not really learned many of his own or at least His vocabulary was much less educated than the ones that He began to speak! Two weeks after she passed I gave birth to my third son who had her eyes full of her wisdom. It wasn’t until three years later not in her home And during trouble times of my own that and during trouble times of my own that I started to smell her literally feel her and be comforted by her in some pretty intense ways for a non-believer of that sort of thing. As a nonbeliever I wasn’t sure if it felt good or not so good but I began to love it and then it kind of went away fading slowly. In 2013 I laid beside my mother until her last breath and I remember waiting and hoping and angrily talking out loud asking why I felt nothing where Was she? did you not love me as much as my grandma did I have still never felt my mother and I comfort myselfBy assuming she’s with my sister instead which may or may not true actually The fact is it just is what it is I guess you feel some and not others and then I realized one day as I’m aging walked by A mirror and I stopped and I looked what do you know there she was looking right back at me every expression every smile my eyes my age and I realized she’s right there with me this whole time in the mirror. Last month my sister’s best friend lost her son 20 years old in a car accident I knew him but not well it was a very tragic accident that left her begging for him to give her a sign that he was OK I didn’t know this of course. I have four sons as well the same age and then I had a dream a very short and vivid dream her son was there and for no other reason but to tell me hi and asked me to call his mom and tell her he was OK and so I did hesitantly not knowing how she’d react she broke down in tears and thanked me thanked me thanked me It was exactly what she was hoping for and had not found on her own it was a beautiful thing and I was glad I shared. I guess you just have to find your wayAnd see what you see and believe what you believe and know that they are with you in the way that they can be. I wish everyone comfort grieving it’s not easy No matter what good luck everyone it’s just never easy and it’s just never the same find your comfort where you can

    1
    • Julie  September 28, 2020 at 1:28 pm Reply

      My mom died in June and I miss her so much. I can feel the physical tug to find her for solace and I am always left sad. She was my best friend and champion and I grieve also for the person I was in her eyes.

      1
  5. Kim  August 21, 2020 at 6:41 pm Reply

    Oh my goodness this is so my mom and I. She always promised she would come back to me if she could. I sleep with her ashes next to my bed. I hold her favorite little robe she wore every night when I sleep. I beg for signs. And I get nothing😔 So at this point I just wonder if anything is true. Im just left here alone with a broken heart trying to imagine living the rest of my life without my mom💔💔💔

    1
  6. Claire  August 19, 2020 at 9:52 am Reply

    I’m so glad I found this article. My dad died three weeks ago today and I have felt an immense frustration in not being able to feel him or receive any signs. He took his own life so this anxiety has consumed my life of whether he’s okay or not, if he’s in a good place, and if the pain he was experiencing has subsided since his passing. I spend every moment of every day frustrated by the fact that I don’t feel him around me like everyone promised I would. Is everyone else lying and they’ve deluded themselves into feelings and signs? Or is there something wrong with me preventing me from being able to see or find the signs? I keep begging for a small morsel – just something clear and bright as day so that I’ll know he’s okay and so far nothing. I can’t imagine him being on the other side and seeing the pain I’m in and not throwing me a bone just to ease some of my anxiety. This post helped me come to terms that maybe it’s me and I’ll probably never feel him again.

    2
  7. Cathy  August 18, 2020 at 7:26 pm Reply

    OMG, I feel like I wrote the above message. I was searching on the internet for “Why can’t i feel my mom’s presence since she died nearly 4 months ago?” when i came across your site. I too feel like my mom and me had the relationship you described. Mother – daughter was just the landscape or beginning. We were best friends. We spoke daily and since she and my step dad moved to be near me 5 years ago, we spent every weekend together and many weekday evenings together as well. We were inseparable whether we lived a few miles or thousands of miles apart. Her passing was unexpected. She was to finish her last radiation treatment for endometrial cancer on the day she died. Dad found her laying in hall between bedroom and bathroom. We think she had a heart attack but didn’t do an autopsy. Why? wouldn’t bring her back. Anyway, it was unexpected because she was cancer free and had totally impressed the doctors with her strong constitution and resiliency. I took look for signs everywhere. I see red cardinals and think it’s her. i see yellow birds and think it’s her. i see the three digits that make up our first home address, more times daily than i ever have before, and think it’s her. I haven’t gotten tattoos yet…maybe that’s next. I did speak briefly with a medium. She said mom said, “It’s too early to talk. Don’t make the same mistakes I did.” I can definitely hear her saying both though have to admit i felt a little rejected hearing too soon to talk. But i figured it was her letting me know she didn’t see it coming either and was making peace with being gone. I’m really questioning whether this is an afterlife at all; after all, if there is, where are your and my mom’s??? Why can’t we see and hear from them as we expected?I too thought it would be ok as long as she stayed with me, i can manage better knowing she’s here. But i feel, see and hear nothing, at least that i recognize. I also thought i’d be inconsolable. Instead, i cry briefly but that’s all. Maybe i’m suppressing it and afraid to let “it” out…i have no idea. I just know i lost my best friend, the person i planned to grow old with. Our entire life plan was get a place on the beach when i retire in a year or two and enjoy all our time together! I can’t believe she has died. I’m sure i am sharing the same words and thoughts everyone on this post is feeling. It’s unbelievable, empty, lonely, sad, etc. And we all wish we could be with our loved one again, even just sense them with us frequently. Thank you for letting me share my thoughts. I’m sorry you lost your mom. You loved each other very much as did my mom and me. May we both find some comfort in the wonderful memories we have of happier and healthier times.

    4
  8. Cyndy Mix  August 10, 2020 at 11:47 pm Reply

    I recently lost my husband 2 months ago. My mom also passed both within a year. His kids not mine have decided I was the cause for him dying. They decided to destroy my life by wanting the home our cars his social security. They have lawyer fighting me. He was in the part of buying out his and my husbands business. There was no will his son said he wont give a dime My lawyer has done nothing for me struggling with money to survive. i have a dog which is my life never had kids. She recently had a seizure. Thank god she is alive. Up top all that im getting ready to go thru a major surgery for my 7th neck. When i come home i have no one to help me. They think this is all funny.any thoughts on this devastating journal I’m living thru. Thank you in advance for any comments that might help me in this nightmare of a life.

  9. John  August 10, 2020 at 6:28 am Reply

    Thank you all for your truth. I lost my wife of 50 years two months ago. We new each other over 60 years. The pain is unbearable. I can relate to all your stories. I send you all big hugs. One day we will all die and hopefully we will see them again. I like some of you dont want to live but I am scared that if I do anything I may not be allowed a place with her if there is a heaven and god does exist. So I keep the faith and try to be as good as she was so that I may meet her again. I feel all your pain and send love to you all. I am 70 years old so surely it wont be too long.

    9
  10. Dee  July 8, 2020 at 5:24 pm Reply

    I’ll be honest, reading this kills me a little inside. I lost my mom less than a month ago to cancer. We were so close and I spent the last 3 months as her caretaker as she rapidly declined. I hope some day I’ll be able to feel her and I’m clinging to ways to try to connect with her even more now that she has passed. Keeping busy and out of our home is the only way I seem to be able to keep this subject off my mind. I truly hope that if I can honor her on everything I do, that will be enough. At least enough to help my grief ease a bit.

    10
  11. Debby  June 2, 2020 at 10:40 am Reply

    I truly know how u feel. I lost my Mom a in 2016. I’m an only child. There r times still that the grief consumes an engulfs me. There have been times I look in the mirror an see her instead of me. There r times I think I AM her instead of me. I often wonder if I’m losing my mind. I said to relatives at her graveside that as long as there was breath in me that she would still be here. I wonder sometimes if our souls traded places. I pray for her to come to me in a dream. One thing I do know: even though she will not be my Moma in Heaven but a Sister in Christ I am not ever going to let go of her. My heart breaks for u. ❤

    6
    • Amy Case  August 2, 2020 at 7:05 pm Reply

      Deby, I can’t believe I read this, I feel like I’m her all the time! I’m also an only child and Mom and I were very close. I have had a lot of coincidences happen, too many actually. I’ve heard there’s no such thing as coincidences, just conformations! I don’t feel like she’s around me, no presence but when things happen, I just can’t deny that it was Mom. She passed away in November, two days before her birthday. I’m also renting her house and still living here (I moved in to take care of her after a stroke), so she should be everywhere here.

      2
  12. Debby  June 2, 2020 at 10:40 am Reply

    I truly know how u feel. I lost my Mom a in 2016. I’m an only child. There r times still that the grief consumes an engulfs me. There have been times I look in the mirror an see her instead of me. There r times I think I AM her instead of me. I often wonder if I’m losing my mind. I said to relatives at her graveside that as long as there was breath in me that she would still be here. I wonder sometimes if our souls traded places. I pray for her to come to me in a dream. One thing I do know: even though she will not be my Moma in Heaven but a Sister in Christ I am not ever going to let go of her. My heart breaks for u. ❤

    1
  13. Lashiela Darden  May 27, 2020 at 10:30 am Reply

    Good Morning,
    My heart is heavy as I recently lost my mom in April. She had cancer and did not recover well from the surgery, due to dementia. I am struggling because I’m an only child and the extended family cant even comfort me due to this pandemic. I also have a close relationship with my mom and 5 years ago I began the process of losing my mom to the dementia. You would think I would be ready by the time she transitioned but no I was not ready. On top of this my father passed away 3 1/2 years ago so now I feel like an orphan.

    5
  14. Rizique  May 16, 2020 at 6:15 am Reply

    I dont even know how to start because im already fighting tears here. I lost my mom 3 days ago due to diabetes and its the hardest thing i’ve ever been through but though i lost my bestfriend the person who’s hurting the most and breaking my soul is my dad, he lost not just his wife of 40yrs but his best friend as well and i feel useless because i dont know how to help him and help me as well

    6
  15. Rizique  May 16, 2020 at 6:15 am Reply

    I dont even know how to start because im already fighting tears here. I lost my mom 3 days ago due to diabetes and its the hardest thing i’ve ever been through but though i lost my bestfriend the person who’s hurting the most and breaking my soul is my dad, he lost not just his wife of 40yrs but his best friend as well and i feel useless because i dont know how to help him and help me as well

    1
  16. Paula Brewda  May 15, 2020 at 11:55 am Reply

    Thank you to everyone for your comments. I lost my husband 4 years ago to cancer after 5 very hard years of surgeries and cancer treatments. Although it was an unbearable loss, he is now out of pain and suffering.
    My sons are still suffering as well, which breaks a mother’s heart
    Except for a few friends everyone just disappears, not unusual I’ve come to find out but which makes life hard.
    It’s a very lonely experience which you all know. Especially in this pandemic we’re all going through. Trying to keep busy but that doesn’t seem to make a difference. I’ve got a lovely little dog to hug and she loves to cuddle and give kisses and that’s the only thing that helps.
    Sending love ? and hugs ? to all who are suffering,

    4
  17. Paula Brewda  May 15, 2020 at 11:55 am Reply

    Thank you to everyone for your comments. I lost my husband 4 years ago to cancer after 5 very hard years of surgeries and cancer treatments. Although it was an unbearable loss, he is now out of pain and suffering.
    My sons are still suffering as well, which breaks a mother’s heart
    Except for a few friends everyone just disappears, not unusual I’ve come to find out but which makes life hard.
    It’s a very lonely experience which you all know. Especially in this pandemic we’re all going through. Trying to keep busy but that doesn’t seem to make a difference. I’ve got a lovely little dog to hug and she loves to cuddle and give kisses and that’s the only thing that helps.
    Sending love ? and hugs ? to all who are suffering,

    2
    • Rhonda Viers  May 18, 2020 at 2:44 am Reply

      YES!! EVERYONE HAS DISAPPEARED!! I lost my daughter 6 months ago. Ive never been so hurt and lonely. Why do people just disappear from our lives when we need them so badly? I dont get it and im so angry. Like you, i have the sweetest pups for hugs and kisses. What did you do when people left your side? Im sorry for your loss. I wish i had known you. Id have stuck by you.

      7
      • Cyndy Mix  August 10, 2020 at 11:55 pm

        I have no idea why they disappear just goes to show you who cares. As you can see in my post lost my husband 2 months ago after 39 years and my mom within a year. My health is bad having my 7th neck surgery in 2 weeks. Never had kids have a dog she recently had a seizure. She’s ok

        2
      • Claire Moorcroft  October 12, 2020 at 4:12 am

        I’m sorry for your loss I lost my disabled daughter(21) last January through pheumonia and fluid on spleen as I’m arranging her funeral my dad died 2months later of cancer so as his next of kin I was attempting to arrange his funeral too and I long for signs of either of them and not had any im more than open to recieve them but nothing and everyday is a struggle carrying on bieng alone wandering what’s the point

  18. Gladys  May 10, 2020 at 3:37 pm Reply

    This hit me really hard. I lost my dad almost 5 years ago and they say it gets better with time, but I don’t know. Some days, the pain of losing him seems to get worse, not better.; and is almost unbearable. I still feel the stabbing pain of his loss. Tears still come to my eyes and roll down my cheek. Sometimes, the sadness and the reality that he’s gone forever overwhelm me, even all these years later. “Cherish the memories”, they say. Although memories help, they’re also all I have of him. Losing my dad, a truly good man the way I did, to pulmonary fibrosis, an incidious disease with no cure, shook my faith and belief in God to the core; and I’m now borderline agnostic (please don’t judge). Seeing him suffer the way he did before death finally took him, has left an indelible scar on my mind and my heart.

    I don’t feel him very often like I thought I would. I’ve only dreamt of him 3 times in nearly 5 years. People say he’s in a better place but that doesn’t change the fact that he’s no longer here with me. And I wonder is he really happy wherever he is seeing as my mom aren’t with him? I don’t know. I’m not sure of anything anymore. You can’t hug memories. Sometimes I think memories are a cruel irony because they are what’s left of something that was. The only thing I’m sure of is how much I miss my dad and that pain, no matter how vague will never go away.

    6
    • Sarah J  August 13, 2020 at 12:16 am Reply

      Gladys,

      Your heartfelt comments are appreciated. They struck a cord with me. I just lost my Dad and was wondering why I haven’t felt him. I’m his youngest and we were close. He was here, and now he’s gone. I feel nothing from his spirit. Memories are just memories like you said. Where is he? If he’s supposed to be with me in spirit, why do I feel nothing?

    • Sabrina  September 21, 2020 at 3:08 pm Reply

      I feel your pain. I lost my Dad five months ago and I thought my pain should have subsided by now, but it hasn’t. I am fine during the day with my job and my two kids, but during the night grief all just overwhelms me. Dad spent 7 weeks in the hospital , all because of a gall bladder stone that turned into infectious pancreatitis. He hated docs and hospitals but spent all those weeks fighting the disease in near isolation in the ICU, before he finally passed away. And yes, I have turned agnostic as well since. He was a good and honest man and for him to have suffered the way he did – just doesn’t make sense.

  19. Gladys  May 10, 2020 at 3:37 pm Reply

    This hit me really hard. I lost my dad almost 5 years ago and they say it gets better with time, but I don’t know. Some days, the pain of losing him seems to get worse, not better.; and is almost unbearable. I still feel the stabbing pain of his loss. Tears still come to my eyes and roll down my cheek. Sometimes, the sadness and the reality that he’s gone forever overwhelm me, even all these years later. “Cherish the memories”, they say. Although memories help, they’re also all I have of him. Losing my dad, a truly good man the way I did, to pulmonary fibrosis, an incidious disease with no cure, shook my faith and belief in God to the core; and I’m now borderline agnostic (please don’t judge). Seeing him suffer the way he did before death finally took him, has left an indelible scar on my mind and my heart.

    I don’t feel him very often like I thought I would. I’ve only dreamt of him 3 times in nearly 5 years. People say he’s in a better place but that doesn’t change the fact that he’s no longer here with me. And I wonder is he really happy wherever he is seeing as my mom aren’t with him? I don’t know. I’m not sure of anything anymore. You can’t hug memories. Sometimes I think memories are a cruel irony because they are what’s left of something that was. The only thing I’m sure of is how much I miss my dad and that pain, no matter how vague will never go away.

    3
    • julie mc pake  May 19, 2020 at 7:17 pm Reply

      Hello Gladys
      i have just joined this site and saw your message. i can relate to what you said. i have just lost someone so special to me i have known over thirty years and has lived with me twenty until having to go into care a year ago due to a stroke. i brought him home when i could. i have a disability and could not manage on my own. i could. not get him home for good due to not enough help in the system and them wanting too much money. i hated that he had to go there, All visitors were stopped visiting due to the virus five weeks ago so i went from being there every day three times until 10.30pm to just seeing him on skype. it was so hard, then all of a sudden he got the virus, how on earth it got there i dont know. all in two days he died, again i could not see him at the funeral parlour. it has ripped my heart out all i do is cry. i am so desperate to see him again. i feel i will never be happy again. people say i will but they dont understand we were each others life.Like you i cannot feel him and wonder why. he said he will always be with me. i have loads of memories but they hurt i cant bear to think. all i know is the good times are all gone,

      5
  20. Julie  May 6, 2020 at 4:11 pm Reply

    Thank you for posting this. My mom died in 2009 and there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of her. I could relate to much of what you wrote about. We had such a close relationship. She was my best friend too. I often tell people that I hit the “mom jackpot!” Recently I took on the challenge of organizing old family photos, which I’d put off doing since my dad died 3 years ago. It’s quite a task and emotionally draining for sure. My mom took A LOT of pictures! So glad to have them though and I will say I’ve felt a closeness to her that I haven’t felt in a long time. I can truly feel her loving, positive spirit coming through those photos. Again, thank you for sharing.

    3
  21. Julie  May 6, 2020 at 4:11 pm Reply

    Thank you for posting this. My mom died in 2009 and there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of her. I could relate to much of what you wrote about. We had such a close relationship. She was my best friend too. I often tell people that I hit the “mom jackpot!” Recently I took on the challenge of organizing old family photos, which I’d put off doing since my dad died 3 years ago. It’s quite a task and emotionally draining for sure. My mom took A LOT of pictures! So glad to have them though and I will say I’ve felt a closeness to her that I haven’t felt in a long time. I can truly feel her loving, positive spirit coming through those photos. Again, thank you for sharing.

    1
  22. Gary B  May 4, 2020 at 11:25 am Reply

    Hi Elizabeth:
    Its tough to say “dont feel like that”.
    I lost my wife of 38 years marriage-44 years in love and HS sweethearts from her senior year prom.
    She was 62 and we had both just retired to live that “good life” that we worked so hard to earn!
    Its coming on 2 years August and I have the same feelings as I do not feel-sense and surely have not seen her. Oh there is a once in awhile dream but its just with her in it but not coming to me or saying anything-just memories playing out.
    I too feel the same- was I worthy? Did God take her from me because I was not good enough? What did I do wrong?
    Sadly- I think thats a common thing when a spouse goes-especially when young and losing out on so much.
    Hang in there.

    4
    • Colleen  July 20, 2020 at 1:44 am Reply

      Thanks for this article. It’s a very brave and honest thing to write. There is no reason why it need be brave to write apart from this pervasive belief we should be connected to the deceased in some tangible or definable way. But as you say in an article, if it was that easy to feel connected to the dead grief probably wouldn’t be grief. Because it wouldn’t seem final.

      I laughed out loud at the Jedi bit. Thanks for giving me some insight and a laugh first thing in the morning, when i struggle with loss the most. Hence why i found this. I was considering a tattoo as well. I even feel I am my husband sometimes, i talk and act like him. It seems to comfort me as if he’s not totally gone. His spirit and way of living carries on a bit with me. I’m a bit braver and less careful than when I’m just like me. My husband was a free spirit.

      I sat last night trying to feel a connection but had to admit there was none. Nothing Only, ( no small thing) this huge yearning and deep love for my husband that seeks expression and embodiment. That drives me to carry on living somehow, even though I don’t want to. A love i feel in every fibre of my being. For which i need to honour living and carry on. To live as fully as i can, not only to honour the fact he doesn’t get to live these years, but to make something worthwhile for myself out of this heartbreak. It will never make up for his loss but neither will giving up on myself. Thanks for doing this work. X

      I’m not wishing to diminish anyone’s experience by describing my own. If you do feel a tangible connection i think that’s wonderful..i wish i did. Xx

      2
  23. Elizabeth Munoz  May 2, 2020 at 11:29 am Reply

    Thank you for sharing. I lost my husband, my high school sweetheart, 2 months ago. We have 3 boys ages 13,11,&9. I don’t feel him. I talk to him. I pray. I just feel numb. I cry every night. People say they feel him or dream of him. I have not. I started to think maybe I wasn’t a good wife and that’s why he hasn’t come to me. I say to myself maybe he is in quarantine too. I just miss him so much. Then I found this article. Thank you!

    3
  24. Sylvia Keenan  April 25, 2020 at 4:53 am Reply

    I lost my beloved 21 year old son on the 1st of Feb 2020,sudden death a syndrome of the heart. He was found on his knees in the bathroom, preparing to have a bath. There is no words to express the agony I feel, his the 3rd son of three, born 13 years after his 2nd oldest brother.

    From seeing him perfect and beautiful the previous day to dead on the floor the next morning is something I have to try and have treated by a phsycologist. Nothi g any one said could make me understand why God would allow my beautiful son in person and personality die.
    The 3rd day after his death I went insane histerical and begged God for me to please see him again.
    That night I had a dream of him coming towards me looked like he had a light shining on him, and his mouth shaped in a perfect circle to kiss me then he was gone. I have not seen him again. But everyday a see this huge butter fly fluttering arround In the garden infront of my room, once after I got out of the car it was fluttering anf sitting on the paving, but the most astonishing event of which my husband has seen all, as I would show him, large butterfly that sat few inches from me and in the house, where I was sitting with my head on a chair howling my eyes out. When I finally noticed it, it sat there for a few seconds, and the flew straight out of the front porch door.

    I am a Christian and do not believe in the sole of our departed being reincarnated, but I have read that there are ways they let us know they arround.
    The other are feathers, and I have about 10 different feathers, which I have picked up in the places no birds have been. 2 in my sons room, I in my bathroom passage, and some when I go on walks I just see a feather out of the blue.

    This has helped me stop crying my heart and sole out, but the pain is still there, sadness longing and all the other emotions all of you have mentioned.
    True I have become a bit callous as some of you mentioned, My over sensitive compassionate side is gone. I am still a believer hoping to see my son again, however my way of believing has changed.
    Will it ever get any better?

    5
    • Adriana S  May 26, 2020 at 10:18 am Reply

      Sylvia, it seems we’re around the same timing of the grieving process. I lost my mother on the 3rd of February this year. She fell down while waiting to pick up my niece from school. Her heart stopped and we somehow managed to all get there (me, my sister and my dad) to be by her side until the doctors stopped resuscitating her. It was completely unexpected, it was shocking, the whole memory, the whole process still seems unbelievable. My sister was holding her hand while the doctors tried to restart her heart, and she remembers that at some point a white feather flew below their joined hands. And yes, there were several instances of white feathers in unexpected places. And I do dream about her, I do see her, but most of the time she appears to be alive in the dream while I’m aware she’s gone, so I somehow conclude she’s resurrected. I actually interpret this as not being able to accept she’s not alive anymore. I just pray she’s peaceful now, and maybe we’ll meet again somehow. Take care of yourself.

      2
    • Adriana S  May 26, 2020 at 10:27 am Reply

      And right now I’m actually wondering if it was meant for me to get here and reply to your comment. I just noticed that you posted this on what would have been her 51st birthday. It hurts but I’m slightly smiling as well. Sending you a hug

      2
  25. Sylvia Keenan  April 25, 2020 at 4:47 am Reply

    I lost my beloved 21 year old son on the 1st of Feb 2020,sudden death a syndrome of the heart. He was found on his knees in the bathroom, preparing to have a bath. There is no words to express the agony I feel, his the 3rd son of three born 13 years after his 2nd oldest brother.

    From seeing him perfect and beautiful the previous day to dead on the floor the next morning is something I have to try and have treated by a phsycologist. Nothi g any one said could make me understand why God would allow my beautiful son in person and personality die.
    The 3rd day after his death I went insane historical and begged God for me to please see him again.
    That night I had a dream of him coming towards me looked like he had a light shining on him, and his mouth shaped in a perfect circle to kiss me then he was gone. I have not seen him again. But everyday a see this huge butter fly fluttering arround In the garden infront of my room, once after I got out of the car it was flutter g a d sitting on the paving, but the most astonishing event if which my husba s has seen all as I would show him, large butterfly dat few inches from me where I was sitting with my head on the a chair howling my eyes out. When I finally noticed it, it Sar there for a few seconds, and the nay flew straight out of the front porch door.

    I am a Christian and fi not believe in the sole of our departed being the reincarnated, but I have read that it is ways they let us know they arround.
    The other is feathers, and I have about 10 different feathers which I have picked up in the places no birds have been. 2 in my sons room, I in my bathroom passage, and some when I go on walks u just see a feather out of the blue.

    This has helped me stop crying my heart and sole out, but the pain is still there sadness longing and all the other emotions alll of you have mentioned.
    True I have become a bit callous and as some of you mentioned, I my over sensitive compassionate side is gone. I am still a believer hoping to see my son again, however my way of believing has changed.
    Will it ever get any better?

    1
  26. Sonya  April 17, 2020 at 12:32 am Reply

    all I can say is thank you ?

  27. Jennifer  April 15, 2020 at 11:59 am Reply

    As someone that has absolutely no religion or spiritual beliefs (please don’t judge)… when my husband died, I too was infuriated with all the comments of he’s with a god, he’s with you always, he’s in a better place etc… which goes against everything I believe. I have finally realized all of those people, are trying to make themselves feel better or they think it is the “right” thing to say and it really had nothing to do with me at all.

    So how do you “feel” someone who has passed away and is now nowhere… Look within yourself! Patrick and I were together 15 years, he was my lover, my partner, my everything… and because of this, and because of him, I became who I am, and that will never change. I am a better person for knowing him, sharing everything with him, opening myself up, and living a life together I once loved. My thoughts, actions, and words today are “us” not mine alone… so you see he is right here where he belongs… stop looking anywhere else.

    1
  28. Alissa Miller  April 15, 2020 at 8:49 am Reply

    This story brought tears to my eyes. I lost my mom on 3/22/2020. I want to feel her and I just can’t. I feel like I messed up in life and this is my punishment. me and my mom were so close. she was close with my whole family. My brother has gotten signs from her multiple times. I may have gotten one. i want to feel her so much. I also hate when people say just talk to her and she will respond if you just listen. I want to hear her voice and see her facial expression when something cool happens. She was my everything . i never felt a pain like this. At 65 years old she was taken way to soon. I was not ready but who is ever ready to losses there mother. well thank you for reading this. It helps to get stuff off my chest. Love you mom and miss you more then you will ever know.

    1
  29. Beth Moulin  April 15, 2020 at 12:39 am Reply

    Oh how I needed to read this. My son passed in November 2019. The bond we had was a topic among his friends and mine and they often said I wish my relationship with my mom or moms would say I wish me and my son has the bond you two do. So when he passed away at 41 unexpectedly in his sleep, I was devastated but I always believed those “he will always be with you”, “you will feel him with you”. But nothing. No feelings of him, no signs, very very few dreams and then they made no sense. I’ve been beyond grief. I don’t have a word for it, but it is raw, painful, and and I am bonded to it and no longer my son. That’s what I feel like. This post made me feel better. Thank you for sharing.

    2
  30. Lanette D Sweeney  April 14, 2020 at 1:27 pm Reply

    Thank you for this moving and honest post. I had lost many loved ones: my grandmother and uncle, both of whom had lived with me while I was growing up, my younger sister, my in-laws, friends. But only when my son died at the age of 26 did I become desperate to “feel” a lost loved one, and to know that they “existed” in some spiritual form. In the early weeks, I did have several remarkable signs, most notably that at his funeral service, as I stood in front of the crowd to begin his eulogy, I said out loud, “I don’t know if you can hear me, Kyle,” and immediately my phone, which I had tucked into my bra, rang a long ring. I made a joke about how this was a reminder for all of us to turn off our cell phones, but when I looked at my phone, there was no missed call. So perhaps that was my son, letting me know he could hear me. If I cried out, as I often did in the early days, “Kyle! Where are you?” I would “feel” him answer me, feel some kind of reassurance wrap around me, feel him answering “Right here.” (Though not with words I could hear.) My ex-husband, Kyle’s dad, who also had lost a sister and his parents and many friends, felt as I did, not previously interested in (or even believing in) an afterlife, yet he, too, longed for signs after our son’s death. A few days after the memorial service, he was driving alone in his car, wishing he could hear from Kyle, when he suddenly heard our son’s voice, out loud in the stillness of the car, say right in his ear, “I’m OK, Dad.” He said it startled him so much he screamed out loud. I wish I’d had something that clear, but perhaps we each got what we needed — his disbelief was greater than mine, so he needed something more direct. In any case, now that 3.5 years have passed, I no longer feel anything, even when I cry out for my son, and it makes me very sad– but I am also relieved that if there is an afterlife, he isn’t spending it hanging around watching me grieve every minute; that sounds awful. I believe the great beyond is too mysterious for us to comprehend while we are still living here on this earth, thus we only get brief glimpses through the veil in extreme grief. As the years pass, it all starts to seem like a dream that we ever heard from our dead, but I believe that, too, is how it is meant to be, lest we become so sure of what awaits us that we hurry ourselves to get there. One thing that provides comfort, for sure, is being able to share our grief stories as we are doing here, so thank you to the founders of this group, this writer, and all the commenters.

    3
  31. Tammy J Rider  April 12, 2020 at 9:35 pm Reply

    Oh, thank you for this. I have been so wondering what was wrong with me, that I was unable to really feel my mom’s presence with me since she died. We were incredibly close, like the relationship described in this article. Best friends, finished each other’s sentences, talked every day. And being a pastor myself, I believed when she died that she was just on the other side of the veil, part of the communion of saints. Surely we would still connect spiritually. But there has been such silence.

    I miss her so.

    3
  32. Kurt  April 12, 2020 at 8:44 pm Reply

    I lost my wife of 33 years November 21 2019. We always get up early and on that morning she was not up yet so I went to wake her and I found she had passed. It’s been just over 4 months. I feel so lonely and lost. We had a wonderful love. We knew each other. They say opposite attract. Couldn’t be more true. I feel the hurt and pain know it but can’t describe it. It makes me cry a lot. Some times I have good days where I think about all that she gave me. We raised 4 wonderful children who are all adults now. She made me the person I am. I don’t know what the presents of someone who has pass feels like but I would like to believe it would be a nice feeling. My wife would twiddle her thumbs when she was content. I have had 2 different instances since her passing where I found myself twiddling my thumbs. I have never done this. Each time while twiddling I felt content. I found myself aware of doing this and told myself to stop. They wouldn’t stop just slow down and start again. Don’t know what it means. But I hope she was there.
    When I was 12 my father passed away. I was too young at the time to comprehend what was going on. My parents devorced when I was 5. Didn’t really know him. About 5 years after I got married I had a dream so vivid of him I almost call in sick at work. He was there and I ask him where he had been all this time and he had no answer. Don’t really remember any dreams of him prior to or after that dream.
    I feel your pain

    2
  33. Krista  April 11, 2020 at 1:18 am Reply

    I can really relate, not that I don’t ever feel my son’s presence, but I definitely thought there would be this magical moment, when I knew in my heart of hearts was him. Like when he came into my life. I got very specific with validations I wanted from mediums, ad ended up walking away mostly disappointed, most times. I almost thought he “owed” it to me. After all I am his mother , he surely knew how hard this would be for me. Selfish I know. I struggle going back and forth between that thought and how hard it must of been for him. He died by suicide a little over a year ago. I almost envy him that he is free from his pain. I ask on a daily basis to give me a sign, a sign that I know I must go on.

    1
  34. S.  April 10, 2020 at 4:35 pm Reply

    I loved the author’s story, and everyone’s comments/stories here.

    1
  35. Jessica North-O'Connell  April 9, 2020 at 3:45 pm Reply

    I lost two of my beautiful, wonderful, amazing adult children, 10 years apart. I really didn’t expect to feel them around, as I had started losing dear ones when I was nine and my grandfather died, then my grandmother. I was close to them, having lived with them for the first five and a half years of my life, but when they were gone, they were gone. (Later, I would sometimes get intimations that a loved one was going to die, but there was no contact after they did.)

    Imagine my surprise when, for a full year after my daughter died, I would hear a knock on my bedroom wall every morning when I woke up. One morning I didn’t just get up when she knocked. After sleeping for another hour, I was awakened by her voice calling me insistently “Mom!” as though she needed my attention right now!

    After my son died, I walked into our bedroom and found the TV remote placed precariously on its side. Neither my husband nor myself would have done such a thing (not wanting the remote to get damaged by falling on a hard laminate floor). Then I started “hearing ” my son telling me about how he felt as though he was simply in another area where he was invisible to me, but there nonetheless. He had a lot to say about his current state of being (we had been very close). Then, after a few weeks, things became quiet and I assumed that he was involved elsewhere. Quite some time had passed and one night during a dream, I had a phone call from him. I was so glad to hear from him, but he cut me off saying “no, Mom, still dead.” We laughed. Since then, I’ve had another dream where we were busy doing things together, brainstorming ideas.

    So, I wasn’t expecting to “hear” from them and I did. I’ve lost a lot of very special people during the course of my life and never heard anything, even though others did. We just never know…

    1
  36. Joni Sensel  April 9, 2020 at 1:38 pm Reply

    Thank you for this. I think we all feel some version of this longing for evidence of that continued connection so that the relationship we have with our lost loved ones doesn’t feel so one-sided. The length of the responses on this post make that clear. I’ve had some pretty remarkable dream visitations and other incidents that reassure me, but they’re few and far apart, and I can relate to those who don’t have that at all. But I conclude that once our beloveds are beyond our usual five senses, our intuitions are the only sense we have that still can touch them, and that by definition is subtle and open to doubt.

    1
  37. Trish  April 9, 2020 at 1:02 pm Reply

    Paul died the day after the election, so those days will be forever linked, I’m afraid. It has been close to 3 1/2 years my husband, best friend, goofball tennis partner has been gone. I understand the feelings you’ve all expressed about looking for signs, for a sensation or feeling… I have had some really vivid dreams where I can actually feel Paul’s arms around me or hear his voice – and I try to hold onto those memories as long as I can when I wake up. We were so close, it is as if he took a piece of me with him that, even after these years, is still missing although healed over somewhat. I couldn’t breathe when he left – like one lung had collapsed. I had to remind myself to breathe: I was holding my breath a lot. But. One day I was sitting out on the yard swing he had bought for me, looking into the open garage half-expecting him to walk out to check on me, as he always did when I worked in the yard. And a breeze kicked up, scattering some leaves and blowing my hair into my eyes. It occurred to me that I couldn’t see the breeze but knew it was there, I could feel it and see it’s effects; and, in that same way, maybe Paul was there, too. Couldn’t see him but could somehow be assured that he was around me. Another thing happened, last year. I went to a week-long writers’ retreat that was to be focused on processing and writing about grief: figured I’d get out some of the things I’d been holding inside and maybe even some things I didn’t realize I was holding back. It was a surprise, actually a shock, to me that every prompt we were given to write about brought out all kinds of different memories and emotions about things and people in my past, some/most were difficult to relive, but not once did I write about Paul – except to include him in the story as helping me and the kids through some of those experiences and changing us into the people we were now in spite of all those things that happened before he came into our lives. This was so mysterious to me, why I hadn’t written about him when I had gone there to process my grief, that I mentioned it to my brother when I got home. Without a moment’s hesitation, he said “well, dummy, that’s because you and Paul didn’t have any unfinished business! You two were perfect together and loved each other so well, there was nothing to work through or figure out once he was gone.” That hit me like a ton of bricks… But I think he is right. We were fortunate that we had time to say goodbye (he died at home of cancer) and knew we loved each other until the end. That is his final gift to me, I think – that he loved me totally. And I still love him and always will. I miss him terribly – I cry sometimes and ache for him. It hasn’t been easy; I’m pretty much an introvert and a one-man show when it comes to love and friends, so have felt alone and lonely a lot. And now we’re locked away in our individual houses with the pandemic raging outside our doors. He would have been so susceptible to this virus. I don’t know if any of this helps anyone but it has helped me in working through losing Paul and having my life changed forever. No idea what comes next, I am not sure I’m ready for anything new yet, but I’m trying to stay healthy and engaged with our two grown sons and the rest of my family – Paul said I had to “take care of the family” before he died, why I couldn’t go with him when I told him I didn’t want him to go alone. After taking care of him and spending every minute with him through his final 8 months, not being with him was unthinkable, to me. This is probably the hardest thing I will ever go through – unless something happens to one of my kids. I’m afraid I’ve gotten a bit hardened but stronger. Maybe it’ll soften some after more time? Good luck everyone; stay healthy and try to find happiness.

    1
  38. GaryB  April 9, 2020 at 8:48 am Reply

    Look Gang- I lost my wife to horrible cancer coming up on 2 years August 9th. We had 44 years in love and 38 married and we were attached to our hips we were so close. It was a”Live-Laugh-Love and Love You To The Moon And Back” romance. We were ONE!
    I gotta say I just dont feel her or see her in any visitations either and it hurts me. It makes as someone here said-makes you feel like “did I do something wrong”? Or more to the point of all this happy babble stuff just pure babble from people hoping you dont break down when you are near them.
    I was ok and fair with God and my religion till I lost her and am no longer a fan after the tragic thievery of the most wonderful angel who passionately followed and believed in him. A priest came and asked her if she did not live to 101 as she was saying at the end she would-would you be upset with God and she looked at him and said YES.
    Well she was gone at 62 and all that remain are photographs and memories and thankfully the horrible last images are faded.
    But no sorry and sadly I just dont feel her no matter how hard I try and look -I just feel the grief and pain and agony of her loss even more year 2.
    I am also not into the “oh look theres a butterfly-cardinal-rabbit-blue jay- robin or deer its her”- No its not-It is what its always been a creature. I refuse to try and visualize some bird looking at me as my wife coming to see me- I just cant.
    I need a real sign to feel her with me and from what I have read maybe not till my time comes as I am fading will I actually see her again.
    Thats my comment- its just me.

    5
  39. Carolyn M  April 8, 2020 at 11:02 pm Reply

    My sweet husband will be gone a year on April 15. I cannot wait for the “last first” to be over. I believe people don’t know what to say and that’s why they say what they do – they think they’re helping, but the words hurt. Some have been in my shoes, some have not. How I am getting through everything is through my strong faith, my family and friends, and knowing that he is now, and will forever be, cancer-free. I’ve had one dream about him, but can’t remember what it was, just that it made me feel good. I miss his arms around me. I still wear my wedding ring and have no intention to stop anytime soon. I don’t see that as anything macabre, and feel that I will know, somehow, when the time is to take that off. It may be never; it could be sometime later. I find seeing a therapist has really helped me. I am very grateful for her and everyone who’s been with me through this journey. I wish everyone here, mired in grief, that you hearts will heal. I sometimes think mine has, but then a memory shows up and it feels broken or empty again. And yet I continue to remind myself: he is now, and forever will be, cancer-free.

    1
  40. Nina  April 8, 2020 at 9:02 pm Reply

    Like you Cara and Mitra, my relationship with my mother was wonderful. I had more than a few people give me the “she’s with you, you should be happy.” It has been 4 1/2 years since she died and yes she is always with me. But, it is not in a good way. I am always thinkimg about her and missing her. My tears just below the surface . …Even when thinking of all the good times we shared.

    2
  41. Cheryl Ramsay  April 8, 2020 at 6:44 pm Reply

    I too went the psychic medium route to get answers. I lost my dad, then my mom & 16 year old cat within 11 months. I really felt
    so devastated & alone. Even though I’m older and still single by choice, I lost my… everything. What do I do now? Who do I live for. My dad came through, he kept me grounded and as always guided me with few or little words, effectively. “Walk away, it’s not worth it.”
    “Know, we didn’t want this to happen this way.” And then one night I heard him, his voice and saw him in a dream. He said; “God loves you.” And though I’m 550 miles from home, in a new town for a new chapter, I keep looking forward to what’s next, as
    I know they wanted the best for me. It (the grief) finally softened after 5-6 years. I still wish I could meet them for lunch or go somewhere fun together but I try to connect through a strong, favorite memory, one where we are all laughing & we were celebrating something together. I know one thing; “Love is forever.”

    2
  42. NayDeen  April 5, 2020 at 10:57 am Reply

    I feel this way about my husband. I could always feel his energy, even when we weren’t together. He was hit by a car and I got to talk to him before surgery. After surgery he was in an induced coma. I could feel his energy there. I could feel it change when I touched him. After his first cardiac arrest the energy was gone. He lived a few more days but it never returned. I had two fleeting glimpses of him, one when waking up… of him sitting on my bed smiling at me (was it a dream or did he come to me?). One when I moved a mirror in the bathroom (was it a trick of the light?)
    I desperately want to feel his energy. I agree with you that we’re not all Jedi’s. I go to the mediums because they are the closest things to Jedi’s that I know. But you are right, at my saddest is when I feel him. When the memories we made come thru the loudest.

    1
  43. luis newman  April 4, 2020 at 4:45 pm Reply

    Beautiful and perfect, im not a man of many words or extensive writing abilities, but this is exactly how i feel about my beautiful wife, we completed each other. in so many levels, i found that i was waiting to hear from her to find something that she only would know and show me that shes just on the other side waiting for me to reunite, she was amazing and unique, having a terrible childhood and everything bad that could happen to person all her life, we found each other and for the first time we both found peace true love, but it was to late for her, her body fell apart and passed away from years of abuse PTSD, TBI, BPD, And addictions and only after 13 months she pasted in my arms in our home at peace and in true love. no more pain. the only time i feel her is when im crushed in her memories. its been 6 months and i feel like it was yesterday i miss everything about her.

    2
  44. Mitra  April 4, 2020 at 2:10 pm Reply

    I love this writing because I definitely relate to it and realize that what I’ve been experiencing silently and struggling with quietly is shared by someone else too. I find that if I really return to my memories of being with my mom and allow myself (at first very reluctantly) to acknowledge the good times not only see the pain and illness, then mom comes thru. I had the same close relationship with my mom that you describe with yours as I was an only child. Mom is there to smile at me, teach me, support me and I remember again how it felt to be loved by her again. As tears finally dry up as there are no more tears to be shed, sweet love and their strong memories are what’s left behind.
    Is there any writing that has helped you through your journey? I’d appreciate knowing what it is.

    1
  45. Anne  April 3, 2020 at 7:52 pm Reply

    Beautifully expressed. I love how you describe finding/feeling your mother in the missing and the longing.
    That’s similar to how I feel about missing my husband. When I’m yearning the hardest for him is when I’m most in tune with the memories that bring ‘him’ close. Bitter/sweet is truly the only way I know to describe it.

    • Frankie  July 25, 2020 at 5:36 am Reply

      I feel for you so much. J am a mum to three daughters, age 13,13 and 14. I have been given a bad diagnosis. My heart is breaking all the time. I want my girls to get through. We have had the best relationship and the best times and it is not enough.

      1

Leave a Comment

YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS WILL NOT BE PUBLISHED. Required fields are marked *