If She’ll Always Be With Me, Why Don’t I Feel Her?

Written and shared with us by our grief-friend, Cara Jeanne. Sharing with all of you, because we have a feeling many of you will relate. 

“She’ll always be with you.”

“You’ll know she’s there.”

“She’ll never really leave.”

These are the very kind and infuriating things people have said to me over and over again since my mom died in 2012. I needed to believe that this would be true. That as she was dying in hospice, it would all be ok because I would always feel her presence; I would obviously receive messages from her. See, because if there was any mother-daughter combo who would certainly keep in touch once the veil had come between us, it would be my mom and me. We were extraordinarily close. She was absolutely my best friend. We talked every day and we saw each other several times every week, scheduled and spontaneous time together. She was cheerful, hysterical, compassionate, easy-going, generous, and spiritual. Obviously, we would keep in touch just like everyone said we would.

My mom was all those things. Apparently, though, she was not a Jedi. So imagine my surprise when my mom’s body finally took its last breath and she did not immediately become one with the Force all around me. I didn’t feel any pang of telepathic pain when she finally let go. I had spent every night in the hospice center with her for a week straight, and of course, the one night I went home to sleep in my bed instead of her chair, she died. I learned about it through a voicemail from my dad. I hadn’t even woken up when the phone rang. Maybe our spiritual connection was just experiencing a delay?

And then, who knows what happened those next few days. There was a memorial service. There was a slide show. There was a luncheon. There were people. And so many of those people told me not to worry because I would always feel her with me.

But I didn’t.

So I went to a psychic medium. Three times. Mom came through. Told me to look for yellow flowers and white moths. Told me to quit drinking diet soda. Told me that she was always with me in my thoughts and I needed to stop looking so hard for signs.

I went to different spiritual places, all different denominations. Maybe if I prayed for her, if I meditated on it, I’d feel her.

I put faith in talismans. I started wearing her wedding ring on a chain around my neck. I got two tattoos to get closer to her. I practiced playing her piano. Maybe if I had these pieces of her with me all the time, I’d feel her.

I saw yellow flowers everywhere. I saw white moths everywhere. I stopped drinking diet soda. I addressed the thoughts in my head to my mom. I prayed and meditated. I wore her ring. I ran my fingers over the outline of my grief tattoos. I played her favorite songs.

But I just couldn’t feel her. What I felt was defective. I certainly couldn’t admit to people that my mom had not “reached out” to me. Was our relationship not as close as I had thought? Was she ok? Was she trying to reach out to me and I couldn’t hear her? I kept it to myself and just doubled-down on my efforts. I got a third tattoo quickly followed by a fourth one — a large tattoo with two yellow flowers and a white moth.

While I love my grief tattoos and the story they tell, a story of a daughter who desperately wants to be as close to her mother as possible, I still don’t feel my mom.

As the years have passed by, I feel less shame about this. I’m not the only one, it turns out, who hasn’t been able to “feel” their loved one. It turns out, none of us is a Jedi. I miss her. I miss her in a way that I didn’t know was possible. I feel so far from her. And that’s when I feel her. I feel her in the way I can’t feel her at all. It is my sadness, the bittersweet joy of knowing that I once had the perfect mom for me, it is my longing that lets me feel her.

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May 13, 2020

34 responses on "If She'll Always Be With Me, Why Don't I Feel Her?"

  1. I dont even know how to start because im already fighting tears here. I lost my mom 3 days ago due to diabetes and its the hardest thing i’ve ever been through but though i lost my bestfriend the person who’s hurting the most and breaking my soul is my dad, he lost not just his wife of 40yrs but his best friend as well and i feel useless because i dont know how to help him and help me as well

  2. Thank you to everyone for your comments. I lost my husband 4 years ago to cancer after 5 very hard years of surgeries and cancer treatments. Although it was an unbearable loss, he is now out of pain and suffering.
    My sons are still suffering as well, which breaks a mother’s heart
    Except for a few friends everyone just disappears, not unusual I’ve come to find out but which makes life hard.
    It’s a very lonely experience which you all know. Especially in this pandemic we’re all going through. Trying to keep busy but that doesn’t seem to make a difference. I’ve got a lovely little dog to hug and she loves to cuddle and give kisses and that’s the only thing that helps.
    Sending love 💕 and hugs 🤗 to all who are suffering,

    • YES!! EVERYONE HAS DISAPPEARED!! I lost my daughter 6 months ago. Ive never been so hurt and lonely. Why do people just disappear from our lives when we need them so badly? I dont get it and im so angry. Like you, i have the sweetest pups for hugs and kisses. What did you do when people left your side? Im sorry for your loss. I wish i had known you. Id have stuck by you.

  3. This hit me really hard. I lost my dad almost 5 years ago and they say it gets better with time, but I don’t know. Some days, the pain of losing him seems to get worse, not better.; and is almost unbearable. I still feel the stabbing pain of his loss. Tears still come to my eyes and roll down my cheek. Sometimes, the sadness and the reality that he’s gone forever overwhelm me, even all these years later. “Cherish the memories”, they say. Although memories help, they’re also all I have of him. Losing my dad, a truly good man the way I did, to pulmonary fibrosis, an incidious disease with no cure, shook my faith and belief in God to the core; and I’m now borderline agnostic (please don’t judge). Seeing him suffer the way he did before death finally took him, has left an indelible scar on my mind and my heart.

    I don’t feel him very often like I thought I would. I’ve only dreamt of him 3 times in nearly 5 years. People say he’s in a better place but that doesn’t change the fact that he’s no longer here with me. And I wonder is he really happy wherever he is seeing as my mom aren’t with him? I don’t know. I’m not sure of anything anymore. You can’t hug memories. Sometimes I think memories are a cruel irony because they are what’s left of something that was. The only thing I’m sure of is how much I miss my dad and that pain, no matter how vague will never go away.

    • Hello Gladys
      i have just joined this site and saw your message. i can relate to what you said. i have just lost someone so special to me i have known over thirty years and has lived with me twenty until having to go into care a year ago due to a stroke. i brought him home when i could. i have a disability and could not manage on my own. i could. not get him home for good due to not enough help in the system and them wanting too much money. i hated that he had to go there, All visitors were stopped visiting due to the virus five weeks ago so i went from being there every day three times until 10.30pm to just seeing him on skype. it was so hard, then all of a sudden he got the virus, how on earth it got there i dont know. all in two days he died, again i could not see him at the funeral parlour. it has ripped my heart out all i do is cry. i am so desperate to see him again. i feel i will never be happy again. people say i will but they dont understand we were each others life.Like you i cannot feel him and wonder why. he said he will always be with me. i have loads of memories but they hurt i cant bear to think. all i know is the good times are all gone,

  4. Thank you for posting this. My mom died in 2009 and there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of her. I could relate to much of what you wrote about. We had such a close relationship. She was my best friend too. I often tell people that I hit the “mom jackpot!” Recently I took on the challenge of organizing old family photos, which I’d put off doing since my dad died 3 years ago. It’s quite a task and emotionally draining for sure. My mom took A LOT of pictures! So glad to have them though and I will say I’ve felt a closeness to her that I haven’t felt in a long time. I can truly feel her loving, positive spirit coming through those photos. Again, thank you for sharing.

  5. Thank you for sharing. I lost my husband, my high school sweetheart, 2 months ago. We have 3 boys ages 13,11,&9. I don’t feel him. I talk to him. I pray. I just feel numb. I cry every night. People say they feel him or dream of him. I have not. I started to think maybe I wasn’t a good wife and that’s why he hasn’t come to me. I say to myself maybe he is in quarantine too. I just miss him so much. Then I found this article. Thank you!

    • Hi Elizabeth:
      Its tough to say “dont feel like that”.
      I lost my wife of 38 years marriage-44 years in love and HS sweethearts from her senior year prom.
      She was 62 and we had both just retired to live that “good life” that we worked so hard to earn!
      Its coming on 2 years August and I have the same feelings as I do not feel-sense and surely have not seen her. Oh there is a once in awhile dream but its just with her in it but not coming to me or saying anything-just memories playing out.
      I too feel the same- was I worthy? Did God take her from me because I was not good enough? What did I do wrong?
      Sadly- I think thats a common thing when a spouse goes-especially when young and losing out on so much.
      Hang in there.

  6. I lost my beloved 21 year old son on the 1st of Feb 2020,sudden death a syndrome of the heart. He was found on his knees in the bathroom, preparing to have a bath. There is no words to express the agony I feel, his the 3rd son of three, born 13 years after his 2nd oldest brother.

    From seeing him perfect and beautiful the previous day to dead on the floor the next morning is something I have to try and have treated by a phsycologist. Nothi g any one said could make me understand why God would allow my beautiful son in person and personality die.
    The 3rd day after his death I went insane histerical and begged God for me to please see him again.
    That night I had a dream of him coming towards me looked like he had a light shining on him, and his mouth shaped in a perfect circle to kiss me then he was gone. I have not seen him again. But everyday a see this huge butter fly fluttering arround In the garden infront of my room, once after I got out of the car it was fluttering anf sitting on the paving, but the most astonishing event of which my husband has seen all, as I would show him, large butterfly that sat few inches from me and in the house, where I was sitting with my head on a chair howling my eyes out. When I finally noticed it, it sat there for a few seconds, and the flew straight out of the front porch door.

    I am a Christian and do not believe in the sole of our departed being reincarnated, but I have read that there are ways they let us know they arround.
    The other are feathers, and I have about 10 different feathers, which I have picked up in the places no birds have been. 2 in my sons room, I in my bathroom passage, and some when I go on walks I just see a feather out of the blue.

    This has helped me stop crying my heart and sole out, but the pain is still there, sadness longing and all the other emotions all of you have mentioned.
    True I have become a bit callous as some of you mentioned, My over sensitive compassionate side is gone. I am still a believer hoping to see my son again, however my way of believing has changed.
    Will it ever get any better?

    • Sylvia, it seems we’re around the same timing of the grieving process. I lost my mother on the 3rd of February this year. She fell down while waiting to pick up my niece from school. Her heart stopped and we somehow managed to all get there (me, my sister and my dad) to be by her side until the doctors stopped resuscitating her. It was completely unexpected, it was shocking, the whole memory, the whole process still seems unbelievable. My sister was holding her hand while the doctors tried to restart her heart, and she remembers that at some point a white feather flew below their joined hands. And yes, there were several instances of white feathers in unexpected places. And I do dream about her, I do see her, but most of the time she appears to be alive in the dream while I’m aware she’s gone, so I somehow conclude she’s resurrected. I actually interpret this as not being able to accept she’s not alive anymore. I just pray she’s peaceful now, and maybe we’ll meet again somehow. Take care of yourself.

    • And right now I’m actually wondering if it was meant for me to get here and reply to your comment. I just noticed that you posted this on what would have been her 51st birthday. It hurts but I’m slightly smiling as well. Sending you a hug

  7. I lost my beloved 21 year old son on the 1st of Feb 2020,sudden death a syndrome of the heart. He was found on his knees in the bathroom, preparing to have a bath. There is no words to express the agony I feel, his the 3rd son of three born 13 years after his 2nd oldest brother.

    From seeing him perfect and beautiful the previous day to dead on the floor the next morning is something I have to try and have treated by a phsycologist. Nothi g any one said could make me understand why God would allow my beautiful son in person and personality die.
    The 3rd day after his death I went insane historical and begged God for me to please see him again.
    That night I had a dream of him coming towards me looked like he had a light shining on him, and his mouth shaped in a perfect circle to kiss me then he was gone. I have not seen him again. But everyday a see this huge butter fly fluttering arround In the garden infront of my room, once after I got out of the car it was flutter g a d sitting on the paving, but the most astonishing event if which my husba s has seen all as I would show him, large butterfly dat few inches from me where I was sitting with my head on the a chair howling my eyes out. When I finally noticed it, it Sar there for a few seconds, and the nay flew straight out of the front porch door.

    I am a Christian and fi not believe in the sole of our departed being the reincarnated, but I have read that it is ways they let us know they arround.
    The other is feathers, and I have about 10 different feathers which I have picked up in the places no birds have been. 2 in my sons room, I in my bathroom passage, and some when I go on walks u just see a feather out of the blue.

    This has helped me stop crying my heart and sole out, but the pain is still there sadness longing and all the other emotions alll of you have mentioned.
    True I have become a bit callous and as some of you mentioned, I my over sensitive compassionate side is gone. I am still a believer hoping to see my son again, however my way of believing has changed.
    Will it ever get any better?

  8. all I can say is thank you 😭

  9. As someone that has absolutely no religion or spiritual beliefs (please don’t judge)… when my husband died, I too was infuriated with all the comments of he’s with a god, he’s with you always, he’s in a better place etc… which goes against everything I believe. I have finally realized all of those people, are trying to make themselves feel better or they think it is the “right” thing to say and it really had nothing to do with me at all.

    So how do you “feel” someone who has passed away and is now nowhere… Look within yourself! Patrick and I were together 15 years, he was my lover, my partner, my everything… and because of this, and because of him, I became who I am, and that will never change. I am a better person for knowing him, sharing everything with him, opening myself up, and living a life together I once loved. My thoughts, actions, and words today are “us” not mine alone… so you see he is right here where he belongs… stop looking anywhere else.

  10. This story brought tears to my eyes. I lost my mom on 3/22/2020. I want to feel her and I just can’t. I feel like I messed up in life and this is my punishment. me and my mom were so close. she was close with my whole family. My brother has gotten signs from her multiple times. I may have gotten one. i want to feel her so much. I also hate when people say just talk to her and she will respond if you just listen. I want to hear her voice and see her facial expression when something cool happens. She was my everything . i never felt a pain like this. At 65 years old she was taken way to soon. I was not ready but who is ever ready to losses there mother. well thank you for reading this. It helps to get stuff off my chest. Love you mom and miss you more then you will ever know.

  11. Oh how I needed to read this. My son passed in November 2019. The bond we had was a topic among his friends and mine and they often said I wish my relationship with my mom or moms would say I wish me and my son has the bond you two do. So when he passed away at 41 unexpectedly in his sleep, I was devastated but I always believed those “he will always be with you”, “you will feel him with you”. But nothing. No feelings of him, no signs, very very few dreams and then they made no sense. I’ve been beyond grief. I don’t have a word for it, but it is raw, painful, and and I am bonded to it and no longer my son. That’s what I feel like. This post made me feel better. Thank you for sharing.

    • I lost my 24 year old son in August 2018. I was sure I would feel him and get signs from him. I don’t feel like that has happened, and it is now the hardest part of the whole loss. It feels so empty and makes me question my faith. I don’t understand anything anymore…

  12. Thank you for this moving and honest post. I had lost many loved ones: my grandmother and uncle, both of whom had lived with me while I was growing up, my younger sister, my in-laws, friends. But only when my son died at the age of 26 did I become desperate to “feel” a lost loved one, and to know that they “existed” in some spiritual form. In the early weeks, I did have several remarkable signs, most notably that at his funeral service, as I stood in front of the crowd to begin his eulogy, I said out loud, “I don’t know if you can hear me, Kyle,” and immediately my phone, which I had tucked into my bra, rang a long ring. I made a joke about how this was a reminder for all of us to turn off our cell phones, but when I looked at my phone, there was no missed call. So perhaps that was my son, letting me know he could hear me. If I cried out, as I often did in the early days, “Kyle! Where are you?” I would “feel” him answer me, feel some kind of reassurance wrap around me, feel him answering “Right here.” (Though not with words I could hear.) My ex-husband, Kyle’s dad, who also had lost a sister and his parents and many friends, felt as I did, not previously interested in (or even believing in) an afterlife, yet he, too, longed for signs after our son’s death. A few days after the memorial service, he was driving alone in his car, wishing he could hear from Kyle, when he suddenly heard our son’s voice, out loud in the stillness of the car, say right in his ear, “I’m OK, Dad.” He said it startled him so much he screamed out loud. I wish I’d had something that clear, but perhaps we each got what we needed — his disbelief was greater than mine, so he needed something more direct. In any case, now that 3.5 years have passed, I no longer feel anything, even when I cry out for my son, and it makes me very sad– but I am also relieved that if there is an afterlife, he isn’t spending it hanging around watching me grieve every minute; that sounds awful. I believe the great beyond is too mysterious for us to comprehend while we are still living here on this earth, thus we only get brief glimpses through the veil in extreme grief. As the years pass, it all starts to seem like a dream that we ever heard from our dead, but I believe that, too, is how it is meant to be, lest we become so sure of what awaits us that we hurry ourselves to get there. One thing that provides comfort, for sure, is being able to share our grief stories as we are doing here, so thank you to the founders of this group, this writer, and all the commenters.

  13. Oh, thank you for this. I have been so wondering what was wrong with me, that I was unable to really feel my mom’s presence with me since she died. We were incredibly close, like the relationship described in this article. Best friends, finished each other’s sentences, talked every day. And being a pastor myself, I believed when she died that she was just on the other side of the veil, part of the communion of saints. Surely we would still connect spiritually. But there has been such silence.

    I miss her so.

  14. I lost my wife of 33 years November 21 2019. We always get up early and on that morning she was not up yet so I went to wake her and I found she had passed. It’s been just over 4 months. I feel so lonely and lost. We had a wonderful love. We knew each other. They say opposite attract. Couldn’t be more true. I feel the hurt and pain know it but can’t describe it. It makes me cry a lot. Some times I have good days where I think about all that she gave me. We raised 4 wonderful children who are all adults now. She made me the person I am. I don’t know what the presents of someone who has pass feels like but I would like to believe it would be a nice feeling. My wife would twiddle her thumbs when she was content. I have had 2 different instances since her passing where I found myself twiddling my thumbs. I have never done this. Each time while twiddling I felt content. I found myself aware of doing this and told myself to stop. They wouldn’t stop just slow down and start again. Don’t know what it means. But I hope she was there.
    When I was 12 my father passed away. I was too young at the time to comprehend what was going on. My parents devorced when I was 5. Didn’t really know him. About 5 years after I got married I had a dream so vivid of him I almost call in sick at work. He was there and I ask him where he had been all this time and he had no answer. Don’t really remember any dreams of him prior to or after that dream.
    I feel your pain

  15. I can really relate, not that I don’t ever feel my son’s presence, but I definitely thought there would be this magical moment, when I knew in my heart of hearts was him. Like when he came into my life. I got very specific with validations I wanted from mediums, ad ended up walking away mostly disappointed, most times. I almost thought he “owed” it to me. After all I am his mother , he surely knew how hard this would be for me. Selfish I know. I struggle going back and forth between that thought and how hard it must of been for him. He died by suicide a little over a year ago. I almost envy him that he is free from his pain. I ask on a daily basis to give me a sign, a sign that I know I must go on.

  16. I loved the author’s story, and everyone’s comments/stories here.

  17. Jessica North-O'ConnellApril 9, 2020 at 3:45 pmReply

    I lost two of my beautiful, wonderful, amazing adult children, 10 years apart. I really didn’t expect to feel them around, as I had started losing dear ones when I was nine and my grandfather died, then my grandmother. I was close to them, having lived with them for the first five and a half years of my life, but when they were gone, they were gone. (Later, I would sometimes get intimations that a loved one was going to die, but there was no contact after they did.)

    Imagine my surprise when, for a full year after my daughter died, I would hear a knock on my bedroom wall every morning when I woke up. One morning I didn’t just get up when she knocked. After sleeping for another hour, I was awakened by her voice calling me insistently “Mom!” as though she needed my attention right now!

    After my son died, I walked into our bedroom and found the TV remote placed precariously on its side. Neither my husband nor myself would have done such a thing (not wanting the remote to get damaged by falling on a hard laminate floor). Then I started “hearing ” my son telling me about how he felt as though he was simply in another area where he was invisible to me, but there nonetheless. He had a lot to say about his current state of being (we had been very close). Then, after a few weeks, things became quiet and I assumed that he was involved elsewhere. Quite some time had passed and one night during a dream, I had a phone call from him. I was so glad to hear from him, but he cut me off saying “no, Mom, still dead.” We laughed. Since then, I’ve had another dream where we were busy doing things together, brainstorming ideas.

    So, I wasn’t expecting to “hear” from them and I did. I’ve lost a lot of very special people during the course of my life and never heard anything, even though others did. We just never know…

  18. Thank you for this. I think we all feel some version of this longing for evidence of that continued connection so that the relationship we have with our lost loved ones doesn’t feel so one-sided. The length of the responses on this post make that clear. I’ve had some pretty remarkable dream visitations and other incidents that reassure me, but they’re few and far apart, and I can relate to those who don’t have that at all. But I conclude that once our beloveds are beyond our usual five senses, our intuitions are the only sense we have that still can touch them, and that by definition is subtle and open to doubt.

  19. Paul died the day after the election, so those days will be forever linked, I’m afraid. It has been close to 3 1/2 years my husband, best friend, goofball tennis partner has been gone. I understand the feelings you’ve all expressed about looking for signs, for a sensation or feeling… I have had some really vivid dreams where I can actually feel Paul’s arms around me or hear his voice – and I try to hold onto those memories as long as I can when I wake up. We were so close, it is as if he took a piece of me with him that, even after these years, is still missing although healed over somewhat. I couldn’t breathe when he left – like one lung had collapsed. I had to remind myself to breathe: I was holding my breath a lot. But. One day I was sitting out on the yard swing he had bought for me, looking into the open garage half-expecting him to walk out to check on me, as he always did when I worked in the yard. And a breeze kicked up, scattering some leaves and blowing my hair into my eyes. It occurred to me that I couldn’t see the breeze but knew it was there, I could feel it and see it’s effects; and, in that same way, maybe Paul was there, too. Couldn’t see him but could somehow be assured that he was around me. Another thing happened, last year. I went to a week-long writers’ retreat that was to be focused on processing and writing about grief: figured I’d get out some of the things I’d been holding inside and maybe even some things I didn’t realize I was holding back. It was a surprise, actually a shock, to me that every prompt we were given to write about brought out all kinds of different memories and emotions about things and people in my past, some/most were difficult to relive, but not once did I write about Paul – except to include him in the story as helping me and the kids through some of those experiences and changing us into the people we were now in spite of all those things that happened before he came into our lives. This was so mysterious to me, why I hadn’t written about him when I had gone there to process my grief, that I mentioned it to my brother when I got home. Without a moment’s hesitation, he said “well, dummy, that’s because you and Paul didn’t have any unfinished business! You two were perfect together and loved each other so well, there was nothing to work through or figure out once he was gone.” That hit me like a ton of bricks… But I think he is right. We were fortunate that we had time to say goodbye (he died at home of cancer) and knew we loved each other until the end. That is his final gift to me, I think – that he loved me totally. And I still love him and always will. I miss him terribly – I cry sometimes and ache for him. It hasn’t been easy; I’m pretty much an introvert and a one-man show when it comes to love and friends, so have felt alone and lonely a lot. And now we’re locked away in our individual houses with the pandemic raging outside our doors. He would have been so susceptible to this virus. I don’t know if any of this helps anyone but it has helped me in working through losing Paul and having my life changed forever. No idea what comes next, I am not sure I’m ready for anything new yet, but I’m trying to stay healthy and engaged with our two grown sons and the rest of my family – Paul said I had to “take care of the family” before he died, why I couldn’t go with him when I told him I didn’t want him to go alone. After taking care of him and spending every minute with him through his final 8 months, not being with him was unthinkable, to me. This is probably the hardest thing I will ever go through – unless something happens to one of my kids. I’m afraid I’ve gotten a bit hardened but stronger. Maybe it’ll soften some after more time? Good luck everyone; stay healthy and try to find happiness.

    • Trish, thank you do much for your comments. I’ve felt so alone and “deprived” since my husband died four months ago. Seems like an eternity. We shared a fairy tail marriage. I’ve felt no connection from him or a “physical presence” since his death. My heart has worried I did something wrong along the way. Your brother’s comment hit me as you said it did you. I’m so thankful for that thought! Thank you…thank you. I hope your life is blessed in many ways as continue this path we have been placed in.

  20. Look Gang- I lost my wife to horrible cancer coming up on 2 years August 9th. We had 44 years in love and 38 married and we were attached to our hips we were so close. It was a”Live-Laugh-Love and Love You To The Moon And Back” romance. We were ONE!
    I gotta say I just dont feel her or see her in any visitations either and it hurts me. It makes as someone here said-makes you feel like “did I do something wrong”? Or more to the point of all this happy babble stuff just pure babble from people hoping you dont break down when you are near them.
    I was ok and fair with God and my religion till I lost her and am no longer a fan after the tragic thievery of the most wonderful angel who passionately followed and believed in him. A priest came and asked her if she did not live to 101 as she was saying at the end she would-would you be upset with God and she looked at him and said YES.
    Well she was gone at 62 and all that remain are photographs and memories and thankfully the horrible last images are faded.
    But no sorry and sadly I just dont feel her no matter how hard I try and look -I just feel the grief and pain and agony of her loss even more year 2.
    I am also not into the “oh look theres a butterfly-cardinal-rabbit-blue jay- robin or deer its her”- No its not-It is what its always been a creature. I refuse to try and visualize some bird looking at me as my wife coming to see me- I just cant.
    I need a real sign to feel her with me and from what I have read maybe not till my time comes as I am fading will I actually see her again.
    Thats my comment- its just me.

  21. My sweet husband will be gone a year on April 15. I cannot wait for the “last first” to be over. I believe people don’t know what to say and that’s why they say what they do – they think they’re helping, but the words hurt. Some have been in my shoes, some have not. How I am getting through everything is through my strong faith, my family and friends, and knowing that he is now, and will forever be, cancer-free. I’ve had one dream about him, but can’t remember what it was, just that it made me feel good. I miss his arms around me. I still wear my wedding ring and have no intention to stop anytime soon. I don’t see that as anything macabre, and feel that I will know, somehow, when the time is to take that off. It may be never; it could be sometime later. I find seeing a therapist has really helped me. I am very grateful for her and everyone who’s been with me through this journey. I wish everyone here, mired in grief, that you hearts will heal. I sometimes think mine has, but then a memory shows up and it feels broken or empty again. And yet I continue to remind myself: he is now, and forever will be, cancer-free.

  22. Like you Cara and Mitra, my relationship with my mother was wonderful. I had more than a few people give me the “she’s with you, you should be happy.” It has been 4 1/2 years since she died and yes she is always with me. But, it is not in a good way. I am always thinkimg about her and missing her. My tears just below the surface . …Even when thinking of all the good times we shared.

  23. I too went the psychic medium route to get answers. I lost my dad, then my mom & 16 year old cat within 11 months. I really felt
    so devastated & alone. Even though I’m older and still single by choice, I lost my… everything. What do I do now? Who do I live for. My dad came through, he kept me grounded and as always guided me with few or little words, effectively. “Walk away, it’s not worth it.”
    “Know, we didn’t want this to happen this way.” And then one night I heard him, his voice and saw him in a dream. He said; “God loves you.” And though I’m 550 miles from home, in a new town for a new chapter, I keep looking forward to what’s next, as
    I know they wanted the best for me. It (the grief) finally softened after 5-6 years. I still wish I could meet them for lunch or go somewhere fun together but I try to connect through a strong, favorite memory, one where we are all laughing & we were celebrating something together. I know one thing; “Love is forever.”

  24. I feel this way about my husband. I could always feel his energy, even when we weren’t together. He was hit by a car and I got to talk to him before surgery. After surgery he was in an induced coma. I could feel his energy there. I could feel it change when I touched him. After his first cardiac arrest the energy was gone. He lived a few more days but it never returned. I had two fleeting glimpses of him, one when waking up… of him sitting on my bed smiling at me (was it a dream or did he come to me?). One when I moved a mirror in the bathroom (was it a trick of the light?)
    I desperately want to feel his energy. I agree with you that we’re not all Jedi’s. I go to the mediums because they are the closest things to Jedi’s that I know. But you are right, at my saddest is when I feel him. When the memories we made come thru the loudest.

  25. Beautiful and perfect, im not a man of many words or extensive writing abilities, but this is exactly how i feel about my beautiful wife, we completed each other. in so many levels, i found that i was waiting to hear from her to find something that she only would know and show me that shes just on the other side waiting for me to reunite, she was amazing and unique, having a terrible childhood and everything bad that could happen to person all her life, we found each other and for the first time we both found peace true love, but it was to late for her, her body fell apart and passed away from years of abuse PTSD, TBI, BPD, And addictions and only after 13 months she pasted in my arms in our home at peace and in true love. no more pain. the only time i feel her is when im crushed in her memories. its been 6 months and i feel like it was yesterday i miss everything about her.

  26. I love this writing because I definitely relate to it and realize that what I’ve been experiencing silently and struggling with quietly is shared by someone else too. I find that if I really return to my memories of being with my mom and allow myself (at first very reluctantly) to acknowledge the good times not only see the pain and illness, then mom comes thru. I had the same close relationship with my mom that you describe with yours as I was an only child. Mom is there to smile at me, teach me, support me and I remember again how it felt to be loved by her again. As tears finally dry up as there are no more tears to be shed, sweet love and their strong memories are what’s left behind.
    Is there any writing that has helped you through your journey? I’d appreciate knowing what it is.

  27. Beautifully expressed. I love how you describe finding/feeling your mother in the missing and the longing.
    That’s similar to how I feel about missing my husband. When I’m yearning the hardest for him is when I’m most in tune with the memories that bring ‘him’ close. Bitter/sweet is truly the only way I know to describe it.

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