Reconnecting with Life After Loss (One step at a time)
Coping with Grief : Eleanor Haley/
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You’ve been there before. Heck, we’ve all been there.
It’s been a long week, you’re tired, the weather’s not that great, and it is utterly impossible to imagine anything as enjoyable as changing into your pajamas, ordering a pizza, opening a bottle of wine, and snuggling in for some quality couch time. Sure you made plans to meet up with friends, but it’s okay to cancel just this once.
Fast forward and you’ve rescheduled those plans. You’re due for some quality time with friends, but the same couch is tempting you to come hither. “Come sit on me,” it says, “Netlflix awaits. And, oh, what is this? Why it’s a big comfy blanket.” It’s decision time friends, what will you do? The easy thing – give into the couch, or the hard thing – see your long lost friends?
Personally, I engage in these battles all the time, and I bet you do as well.
Round one: Make healthy dinner vs. grab take out
Round two: Go to the gym vs. “no thank you!”
Round three: Call a friend and make plans vs. don’t commit to doing something you might not want to do later
Round four: Sign up for that class vs. self-doubt and cynicism
Ideally, you would always decide to invest your energy in the things that bring you fulfillment, enjoyment, satisfaction, and connection, even if these things felt challenging. But being realistic, we know that most people opt for the easier choice from time to time, even if it isn’t the wisest.
This may be especially true when you’re grieving, because when you’re grieving you have a whole slew of reasons for taking shortcuts, disengaging, and withdrawing socially and emotionally. Here are a few:
- You feel distracted or as though you can’t focus on anything other than your loss/grief.
- You feel like you have to conserve your energy to deal with the emotion and stress of grief.
- You feel as though the things you once enjoyed now seem meaningless or unimportant.
- You disengage from activities because they remind you of your loved one.
- You feel anxious about seeing people/social interaction.
- You feel anxious about running into grief triggers.
- You feel anxious about becoming emotional in front of others.
- You no longer feel like a capable and competent person.
- The world no longer feels like a safe and reliable place.
- It feels safe and comfortable to not push yourself.
- Engaging in activities feels like a betrayal or as though you’re “moving on”.
- You think you will feel better in time, so you decide to stay at home and wait it out.
It’s protective and adaptive, when you only have so much energy, to focus it on the places where it is most needed. It’s normal to let some of your day-to-day routine fall by the wayside during times of hardship and crisis. However, one should be mindful of how much they are cutting out and for how long. There is often a fine line between temporarily disengaging and more harmful long-term social and/or emotional withdraw.
Consider this, disengaging from previously fulfilling and enjoyable activities can contribute to depression. The Society of Clinical Psychology notes that,
“When people get depressed, they may increasingly disengage from their routines and withdraw from their environment. Over time, this avoidance exacerbates depressed mood, as individuals lose opportunities to be positively reinforced through pleasant experiences, social activity, or experiences of mastery.”
Although depression and grief are different, both experiences may cause someone to retreat from life and, in either scenario, that person is cut off from sources of support, coping, and positive emotion and may ultimately end up feeling worse.
One therapy that has proven effective in treating depression is called behavioral activation. Through behavioral activation, depressed clients increase their engagement with activities that provide them with opportunities to experience social support, well-being, positive feelings, and confidence. Following a similar line of reasoning, we might assert that the more grieving people engage with life, the more opportunity they will have to process their emotions, connect, receive support from others, and experience positive feelings.
Before you get overwhelmed, we are not talking about going “back to normal” or a complete reintegration with your “normal activities”. We’re talking about actively choosing small and worthwhile activities and deliberately planning to do them. Let’s talk specifically about this means.
What have you stopped doing since experiencing the death of your loved one? More specifically, what do you no longer do that you used to previously enjoy or find fulfilling? These may be things that you stopped doing because…
- you don’t have the time
- they require too much effort
- they remind you of your loved one
- they seem less fun.
Now, what if I told you that by deliberately deciding to do these things again, or by choosing new things to try, that you might start to feel a little bit better? Or that by doing these things you are actually, in many ways, coping with your grief? Some outlets – like supportive friends, journaling, advocacy, art – help you directly process your grief-related emotions and experiences. While others are simply healing in that they help you connect with others, feel a sense of mastery or fulfillment, allow you to feel calm and at peace, increase your physical wellbeing, or simply help you to feel human again.
I know these things seem small in comparison to your big problems and stressors, but one way to think of coping is as small steps on a very large staircase, where each step could potentially help you feel a little bit better.
Ask yourself, what does a typical day currently look like?
Literally, write your hour-to-hour schedule down and ask yourself:
- What is filling up your time?
- Is it filled with a whole lot of nothing or is it filled with way too much?
- In looking at the activities, how many feel draining?
- Be honest, how much of your day is scheduled around worries, anxieties, and the need to avoid?
- How many activities are there in your schedule that help you (1) take care of yourself (2) directly cope with your grief (3) feel positive feelings?
- What used to be a part of your schedule that you’ve now stopped doing?
Make a plan.
If you’ve cut out activities that used to be an important part of your life, things that had inherent value, then it may be time to schedule them back in. Now, some of these activities may no longer feel pleasurable, perhaps because nothing feels pleasurable, they may remind you of your loved one, they require effort, or because they force you to confront difficult emotions. You should consider scheduling them in anyway. Once you get over the hump/your fears/anxieties – whatever it is – you may find that these activities are worthwhile again.
Next, consider what other positive/constructive/therapeutic activities you could begin to work into your schedule for the first time. Are there coping tools you’d like to try? Are there ways you want to honor and remember your loved one? Are there physical health issues you’d like to work on? Think about these things as well.
After you’ve taken stock of your schedule and the types of activities that are missing, it’s time to schedule them in. Literally, schedule them into the hour. You may want to think about your day leading up to the activity as well. For example, if you want to go to the gym at 10 am but you typically sleep until 9:30 am, you may need to schedule an earlier wake-up time and a breakfast time as well. Be realistic and be honest with yourself.
It may help you to ask other people to keep you accountable. Ask someone to do the activity with you, or at least ask them to follow up with you to make sure you did it. If you have a counselor or support group, talk to them about your plans and ask them to ask you how it went next time they see you.
As they say, “just do it”.
Don’t give in to your excuses, rationalizations, or reasons why not. And if you are skeptical, then prove us wrong. In other words, just try it and see.
While engaging in the activity, pay attention to how you are feeling. Comparing yourself to how you felt at your worst, not your ideal best, do you feel any better? If the answer is yes, good! If the answer is no – I feel worse – then ask yourself why because this may be useful information as well.
Be prepared for it to be difficult at times.
After someone dies, some of our most valued and fulfilling experiences are often colored with a tinge of pain. Part of coping with grief is learning to tolerate and work through painful emotions so prepare to feel frustrated and to doubt yourself and to feel all sorts of emotion – but please believe it is worth it in the end.
A podcast and a post? What could be better?
We wrote a book!
After writing online articles for What’s Your Grief
for over a decade, we finally wrote a tangible,
What’s Your Grief? Lists to Help you Through Any Loss is for people experiencing any type of loss. This book discusses some of the most common grief experiences and breaks down psychological concepts to help you understand your thoughts and emotions. It also shares useful coping tools, and helps the reader reflect on their unique relationship with grief and loss.
You can find What’s Your Grief? Lists to Help you Through Any Loss wherever you buy books:
164 Comments on "Reconnecting with Life After Loss (One step at a time)"Click here to leave a Comment
Eve April 17, 2023 at 8:22 pm
My mom died 9/11/21 My husband 2/23/23. The 2 people I lived with for the last 4 years as a family are gone. I had lived alone a long time after my daughter’s left home. Now I’m alone again. I don’t mind it.
The fact that my family is gone and they were so close bothers me. Friends & associates are surface talk with nothing but, I love you & am praying for you. Yet, If I needed someone to show up? They wouldn’t. All words and no action. I listen & it goes thru one ear & out the other. So, being older & I was separated from my husband knowing we would not get back together. I still wished him well & didn’t expect him to pass. THIS is what I’m processing. Yet, I know he’s not suffering and he’s with GOD. I’m leaning into taking care of me for once in my life. I get to do what I need to do for myself. Still. Losing my reason for loving is or was my family. I will never be the same. They are missed! I know they are with GOD brings me peace.
Linda clements August 30, 2022 at 7:48 pm
My mum has just died 20th August. She will be cremated on 14th September. I don’t know what I will do without her
Sandy T August 20, 2022 at 12:43 am
First, I am humbled in reading several dozen postings. Thank you all for sharing your hearts. On June 26th, 2022, at 9:05pm, on a lonely Sunday night, 3 days before our 31st wedding anniversary, my husband took his last agonal breath. We had actually been together for 33 years. We were both in the medical profession – I am a nurse, and he became my last patient. I have not worked since he went on Hospice – instead of working at the hospital, I became his 24/7 caregiver. Sadly, my husband died of recurrent metastatic cancer which had spread to his brain…so for the last 6 months, he was not “himself.” And that was my Achilles heel… I was not prepared to lose “him” – his personality, his consciousness, long before his body died. He had just turned 63 years old and had always been healthy… I still cannot believe this happened to him, to us. We both have always cared for others, never realizing that one of the worse experiences would befall us.
Every day is torture. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now. I don’t know who I am without my husband. I don’t have enough money to retire now – I’m years away from collecting social security. I will have to return to work – but the idea of going back to nursing makes me physically ill… I don’t think I can face death and dying again.
My husband died a slow, painful and agonizing death… and I was powerless to help him. How can I possibly help others anymore when I couldn’t even help my own husband?
Most days I try to hide from the day light… I have no one in my life… our “couple friends” are no where to be found… our adult kids have their own families and are too busy to be bothered with my depression… it’s been 7 wks and my son actually said, 2 wks ago, that I needed to hurry up and get over it. He told me that I was acting depressed, and because of that, he doesn’t want my grandkids to spend time with me… because I’m depressing to be around.
I miss my husband so much – I talk to him everyday – I still love him, and life without him… it feels like hell. I spent the majority of my life with my husband… it feels like I should not be alive. Perhaps there was a cosmic error… I shouldn’t be here… I shouldn’t be here without him….
Litsa September 12, 2022 at 3:51 pm
Sandy – I am so sorry for all that you are coping with. If going back to work feels like too much, please consider talking with your employer and also getting connected with your EAP of another therapist. They may be able to help plan a way for you to ease back in, or even to consider other nursing roles with less end of life exposure. A widow support group can be very helpful to connect with others feeling similarly, and can provide some good social support. We have some reources here that may be helpful – https://whatsyourgrief.com/resources-for-widows-recommendations-from-the-wyg-community/
Joseph W Bender July 29, 2022 at 5:13 am
On Sept 14th 2020, the woman I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with died by getting hit by a train. She was walking on the tracks to town because it was a shortcut. We had just got her a pair of noise canceling headphones because she loved music. The train was an hour late that day. She never heard it until it was too late. The emotional pain I deal with is so life draining that its hard to cope. Almost two years after her death I still struggle. But I have no reason to give up entirely because of the love of two nephews that Im helping raise. I fear if it wasn’t for them I don’t think I would’ve survived her death. I miss her so much.
Basil April 3, 2022 at 1:51 pm
I lost my beloved wife of 8 years together with my unborn baby girl…
I lost hope and just feel as the world is not a safe place.
I just try to be strong for my son.
Litsa April 30, 2022 at 6:25 pm
Basil – please know there is always hope, help and support. If you are ever thinking of hurting yourself please call the suicide helpline 800-273-8255 or call 911 or go in to your local emergency room. I know that the grief probably feels insurmountable, but please know that with time you can learn ways to cope with it – for both you and your son. Talking with a therapist can be incredibly helpful – have you considered counseling or a support group?
Vinay November 26, 2021 at 11:24 am
On 16 Oct 21, I lost my Mother (50) and son (4) in a car accident. My wife have much injuries. Ther is no way except weeping and crying wholeday. We don’t understand what should we do now, there is no hopes and desires without them.
Pam May 19, 2022 at 3:36 pm
It’s no ones fault. It’s not your fault. You could never had stopped the accident. You could never stop the outcome of the accident.
I know your heart aches with an relentless pain. Know, your not alone. Life is a cycle and we all are going to die. No one knows how or when. Where all in this together really.
Time, time will not erase your pain but it will hurt a little less each year that passes. Rest and know death is out of our control. Rest and know they are at peace it’s the living that morn the dead not the dead morning the living. We hurt, we cry, we hurt but they are all at peace.
I hope this helps. Sorry if it doesn’t for I have just lost my soul. My soul mate at a young age so I really don’t know what to say but these words.
Yamini October 19, 2021 at 6:50 am
Lost my 25 yr old daughter on 29th September.She was a beautiful,intelligent,wise,good hearted,doctor born into a doctor’s family.She was diagnosed with tb after a CT scan.Every thing would have been just fine if she had started a course of medicines for the condition.But the doctor wanted to do a bronchoscopy(a very simple procedure) to be sure of the bug.But this went wrong and a cascade of events lead to her demise.Just cannot come to terms with the fact that she is no more.when all her future was before her, she is not here.We keep lamenting that she would have been with us if not for that procedure.Hard to believe she is not here.Can’t forget her for a moment.Unfair that I am alive while my child is gone.Every second is a torture.Fate has been cruel to her.And there’nothing I can do about it.
Vernita November 28, 2021 at 2:56 pm
I lost my beautiful, wonderful , amazing only son, only child, at the age of 12. I know how you feel. I’m so sorry about your daughter.
Chris January 24, 2022 at 10:18 am
My mum passed away 4 months ago she had diamentia fir 3 years till past away, I was here career and was very hard as wasn’t my mum and did things didn’t mean to me but has stayed with Me since
Gypsy July 29, 2021 at 11:40 am
Thank you. Lost both my parents for whom I cared for six yrs, this yr. Family fractured, kept me away from seeing them prior to passing. Never got to say goodbye. Some days it is as this writer poses. Glad to see I’m not crazy, or at least if I am, I have company and there’s a way out.
Sara Venhuizen June 24, 2021 at 4:52 am
On October 15,2020 I lost my only son (13) I have 2 daughters ages 15 and 20 and a grandson who is 16 months old. I am married and he has 3 boys. I am 100 percent withdrawn from everything except my two daughters and grandson they are the only ones I want to be around 24/7. I battle each day as it comes as each one has one of there own for me. I feel like each one of our kids represents a different part of ourselves and for me my son was my affection, caring and love. My youngest daughter n I got our own place in January as I felt like I needed space and time away from my husband and his boys because they only reminded me of what I lost. About a month ago we all moved back into a new house because we sold the one where we lost my son. I don’t feel like it was the right choice I feel like our marriage is now gone. I don’t know if it’s blame or guilt or what it is but I would rather be just with my girls and grandson. I feel we lost so much and there is no coming back from that. My husband tries so hard and I on the other hand don’t have the energy to. I tried therapy and hated it. I withdrew from my mother n brother even my friends. I have no idea what I am doing and each day I beg just to have my son back I just want him back. I don’t want to be here without him.
Isabelle Siegel June 24, 2021 at 10:03 am
Sara, I am truly so sorry for your loss and for the pain you’re feeling. Please know that, no matter what, you are never alone. I hope you find some comfort on this blog and in the What’s Your Grief community. If you are thinking of hurting yourself, or even if you just need someone to talk with, please call the National Suicide Helpline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit their website where you can do a live online chat https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ Please don’t hesitate to reach out.
Kim June 21, 2022 at 3:49 pm
Sara, I am so sorry for your loss, it hurts inside my heart as it does yours. I agree about how our children become a part of who we are, and we a part of them. Losing a child; or a parent is among the most emotionally difficult and universal human experiences. I hope you are able to feel life again one day and to feel hopeful in your journey. God Bless!
Bereft May 4, 2021 at 5:17 am
Hi Ted, I don’t want to be told what I should do either yet I’m already getting that (be quiet, don’t break down, get back to work ASAP…) My only brother died traumatically four days ago. I have sisters but he was my protector and confidante. MyDad is gone and I don’t relate that well to the rest of my family. I can’t envisage life without him yet I know I must. I’m angry with him, hurt and feel guilty. And I know every time I see something funny or interesting I will want to tell him..
All the best to you and others grieving on this blog. Bereft
Jeri October 23, 2021 at 1:44 pm
Your comment struck me especially because I would store interesting ideas until I talked to my son, and now am always wanting to share with him. As for people who don’t understand the grief you feel, they want you to get on with being your old self- we will never be our old selves. My sister found a quote that resonated with her, and helped me understand where she is…”if you cannot understand why someone is grieving so long, consider yourself fortunate that you do not understand.” I will say this to anyone who questions my grief, consider yourself fortunate.
Lucas nkgau May 11, 2022 at 8:01 am
Life has it’s own opsticles, what can we do about that.
Lo April 17, 2021 at 6:56 am
I lost someone very special for me at the beginning of 2020. We had just gained the courage to start a romantic relationship after some months of being ‘just’ friends. We were excited, hopeful, a bit terrified but really invested. And then she died. Really early on, we run out of time. I really thought I was at the gates of something good and lasting. Instead, I found myself at the beginning of the hardest most painful year of my life.
I am in a much better place now (i can agree that therapy is really helpful, it saved me), but a year and a quarter later after she passed, i find myself dealing with other forms of grief which are harder for me to pin point.
I still miss her, terribly. some days i just wish I could have her back even if only for two minutes. But I also notice my feelings for her, my love for her, shifting, morphing. I intelectually understand it is only natural. But I cannot avoid feeling guilty and sad. It feels like nothing of her is left.i feel robbed again, that I am loosing the only thing i had left of her.
I guess my question is: how do you process it, handle it, the realization of the change? The guilt? The feeling of something else that is being lost again… And keep living? I don’t want her to leave me…
John Purtle March 30, 2022 at 6:43 pm
I lost my mom then about 8 months later my Dad then three weeks later just after Christmas I lost my wife to brain cancer. I have been trying to keep everything together for my three daughters ages 19 13 and 10 but with all the negative events that have happened I just want to crawl I to a hole . I had the mother in law steal the insurance money and refuse to help with my kids saying it was Herr daughter and she is owed this money I’ve had the house we were buying taken away due to the seller is a crook and after a 10 year deal decided to kick me and my girls out and refuses to let me get my personal belongings. Including my Kidney medicine and this town is such a pile of old cronies who have no ethics their is no use trying to fight legally they own the courts I’ve had tough times in the past but this has taken a lot out of me I actually went into renal failure in January and that’s when they kicked us out I honestly do not want to keep fighting bit I promised my wife on her death bed to raise our girls and keep them safe I’m hoping I can keep it up until my youngest turns 18 then I can give up and rest for good
Litsa June 8, 2022 at 12:09 am
John – I am so sorry for all you have had on you. I know it must be so hard to feel like so much is on you, but I am glad that you’re doing all you can to be there for your kids in the way you promised your wife. That said, it is important that you take care of yourself. Finding a counselor or a support group I think could be really helpful for you to have someone who can provide you some support. Have you considered counseling? Many grief centers for children and teens also offer support for families, which could be a good option for finding support for the whole family.
Kim June 21, 2022 at 4:06 pm
John, I am sorry for your losses, I hurt inside my heart for you. I’m thankful to know you have your daughters to help carry you through. Even if they may not realize how much their lives mean to you. I say that because I too have recently experienced multiple significant losses in my life similar to your own. Within the last two years I too have lost both of my parents of whom I helped to take care up until their dying day. Each of their deaths were sudden and unexpected. My son who is 15 and I lived with my parents for the last 15 years. My brother who lives out of town and has not been around for years has decided to take complete control over our mother’s estate and is forcing the sale of our parents house and property, mine and my sons security. We are being forced to leave with no where to go. Because my brother wants his inheritance. I am feeling completely overwhelmed, I feel devastated. I’m thankful to have my son. I’m not for sure he realizes how much. I hope the best for you and your daughters and I wish you hope and love. God Bless!
Jackie February 28, 2021 at 10:27 pm
I lost both my parents in 5 yrs my dad in may 2016 and my mom in 2/11/2021 I’m only child I have good days and bad .
ted February 26, 2021 at 12:17 pm
the love of my life died 1/1/21 of cancer. I have had an unhappy life due to problems with my parents and a chronic stutter. But for 43 years with my wife I was very happy. I EVEN managed to get rid of stuttering. my wife and I were a team, friends and lovers. but I am 72 now with extreme arthritis and several other complaints. so in a way my life is finished.
Kat April 10, 2021 at 2:35 am
sending you love and well wishes.
I am not in the same position, but I understand your pain in some ways.
I am in my 30s and I recently lost my twin sister.
She died suddenly and without expectation (she was not sick but did suffer from depression) and the shock and grief are debilitating. I wake up, cry in the shower, put drops in my eyes…go to work. My mum was also recently diagnosed with an aggressive form of cancer. She is currently in hospital. I feel like my body and mind are sort of disengaged and I am just going through the motions most days.
I come from a small family. I have extended family but I mostly grew up just close to my mum and sister (single parent family).
My sister was the biggest light in my life and I have no interest in doing anything anymore but I find routines help to keep me going and keep me healthier. I’ve lost weight (now I border on being underweigh but I have started drinking Soylent which helps because it is easy to consume and easy to prepare) and get as much sleep as I can…To make matters harder, a supervisor who I thought was a friend has been gossiping about me recently even though I have been working hard, staying overtime, doing a good job…
I think in life…it is not age alone that determines if we feel our lives our over. There are certainly people who do not feel like that, I mean, who are well into their 90s or even older…because they might not be grieving, and they might not be depressed. I think it is hopelessness that causes that level of despair and it can strike anyone who has gone through a horrible loss like you have, and like I have.
I have no idea what it is like to lose a spouse, but I know what it is like to lose a soul mate of sorts. I am so, so sorry Ted. 🙁
Some things that help me are a combination of getting as much sleep (melatonin is way safer than sleeping pills) as I can but then following a productivity journal and just doing one task and then another. I budget my time for everything now. Self care is important, even when it does not feel like it matters. It does. You deserve it, Ted.
I recently adopted a 16 year old cat that was unwanted. The previous people who had her were about to take her to the kill shelter. She is one of my biggest sources of comfort. She is part Russian Blue and is glued to my hip and is just the funniest little soul. I temporarily lose sight of my anguish when she distracts me. Animals can really help. (She is not an aloof cat. She is very sensitive and wants to always be near me. I find a lot of rescues make the best companions).
I try to stay active with hiking. Also…I know it is hard with covid but things that help many (including me) are meet ups based on interests. I have friends of all ages. One of my best friends is 87 and we have great conversations. We are both huge Sherlock Holmes fans. 🙂 She sends me poetry every day and I share photos from my Instagram.
I feel better if I can help others who are grieving. And I also feel better when I stay away from people who seem fake, shallow, or lacking in empathy or sensitivity. People who have not experienced grief like you have…really have no idea and sometimes can do more harm than good even when they are trying to help.
Some other things that help (and some I assume which will help more once covid is over):
-volunteering. I would like to volunteer with a group that takes foster kids and at risk youth hiking and kayaking. There is also a tremendous need to help animals that need homes such as shelters. Even just volunteering to walk the dogs or spend time with them helps socialize them and can calm them down and make them feel loved.
– charity runs and walks.
– online chess and chess with friends
-board game nights. (I love Scrabble and have since I was a little kid).
– book clubs. Not sure if you are a bookworm but I love the Pendergast series by Douglas Preston and Lincoln Child.
-good series in general (be it TV or books).
– oddly enough watching TV series where characters I admire have also gone through huge losses. In the TV series The Mentalist the main character is dealing with grief and guilt after feeling responsible for the death of his wife and child (he is not to blame but am oversight causes him to feel like he is…much of the show is centered around how he heals)
-when I am really low and have no energy I will listen to podcasts. Alice Isn’t Dead is strange but very interesting. There are a lot based on learning new things such as Stuff You Missed in History Class or Radio Lab. All sorts.
– books dealing with people who have gone through similar loses and what they have done to feel more at peace.
Most days I am numb. Some days I alternate between numb and crying-sad. Luckily at work I hide my emotions (the bullying is a different issue and I am soon to be looking for a new job because the environment has been toxic for a long time and it is partially in my grief…seeing how nasty some people can be when a person is at their lowest…which is prompting me to find a new position).
I wish I could do more to help. I hope you find some peace. I might not have a lot, but I would share mine with you if I could.
There are so many things we can do, I realize. The hardest part is putting one foot in front of the other and wanting to get up in the morning, but I assure you it is not because you are 70 or 72. It is because this weird world operates strangely and we have lost people that we loved so much that we feel cut open and lost.
We might never know the reasons why others we loved suffered or suffer so much or why we are left behind to suffer even more in their absence, but I find that when I can make someone just a little bit happier or less hopeless…that helps me a tiny bit. So I want to devote more of my time to doing that.
Wishing you well, Ted. I am so sorry for your loss (words are always inadequate in situations of such painful magnitude) :*(
Love from 🇨🇦 Canada.
JessesRichard May 1, 2021 at 11:42 am
Thank you for your reply to Ted. The original blog post seemed heavy with shoulds and I appreciate the lighter touch of compassionate suggestions. I’m probably sensitive to the tone of the original post because I’m just now, after losing my husband, moving out of a period of “Don’t wanna. Don’t wanna try. Don’t wanna be around people. Don’t wanna open up.” Making some tentative steps back and know i need to take those steps gently. My best to you and Ted.
Natalie November 30, 2021 at 8:59 pm
I lost my husband April 12,2021
I’m so sorry for your lost. It’s very
Difficult to go on without him but,I
Know he would want me to be happy
I was so angry at first but,after almost 9
Months I’m finally @ peace with myself
And have come to terms with myself
And his death.He was in great condition
And he had a Moderna vacine and after
The second shot he passed away 8
Days later from a acute heart attack.
He had no underlying diseases and had just had a physical which he passed with flying
Colors.. I am having trouble adjusting to
Being alone. I need to reach out for a
Friend. I would like to be your friend..
I wish everything good for u.
Paula November 5, 2020 at 9:41 pm
Lost my Mother-in-law in April 2020. she was 92, buried her on May 1. My sister had a massive stroke May 1 which was he 68 birthday , took of life support May8 , died in 20 minutes. August 3 , my husband of 50 years , 71 years old had emergency stomach surgery , many complications came home from hospital August 9 ,had a massive stroke on August 10 , died September 2 , 2020 . We have a 7 year old daughter , she is an adopted great grandchild . we have had her since birth. He was her whole world , they were joined at the hip so to speak. We had been together for 54 years. We meet when I was 12 and he was 18 , he was a friend of a cousin. We married when I was 16 and him 21. Never apart since we married only for a night or two. This is so unreal all these deaths seems at once. My daughter and I are so sad and in disbelief that he is gone let alone our other family members losses. We may loos our home our world is upside down. please pray for us.
IsabelleS November 6, 2020 at 11:03 am
Paula, I am so sorry for the multiple losses you have experienced. You may want to check out this article: https://whatsyourgrief.com/cumulative-grief-aka-grief-overload/ You and your daughter are in my prayers.
Brianna Ridore November 5, 2020 at 5:41 pm
my mom died 2 weeks ago suddenly from cancer, I am 20 years old abouta turn 21 and now have my 5 year old brother to take care of. I am in so much pain, there was never a time I called for my mom and she didn’t answer. she was always here for me. I miss her a lot that it hurts. she had her bad side and her mind wasn’t there so she truly is at peace. but I miss her and idk how i’m gonna go on live my life with out her. it’s just weird to lose her so suddenly, and it’s registering with me but not really. I know she’s gone but it’s like she’s still here.
IsabelleS November 6, 2020 at 11:06 am
Brianna, I am so sorry to hear about your mom’s passing. I cannot even begin to imagine the pain you are going through… You are so strong. I know it seems difficult right now, but you will get through this. You will go on. It’s so normal to feel as though your mother is still with you. You may want to check out this post: https://whatsyourgrief.com/12-years-mother-still-everywhere/ Please know that my heart goes out to you.
B October 25, 2020 at 3:44 pm
I’m 17 years old and I lost my dad 2 weeks ago because of covid.
In this 2 week i wasn’t abel to do things i used to do.
I don’t feel the same anymore and i feel too much at the same time!!
The more i think about him and the past the more sad and guilty i feel.
I think it’s harder when you’re a teenager.
You have to deal with so many things.
And the amount of emotions you carry is countless…
I ask myself: do i believe in god?
I answer: yes i do
And then i trust.
Life is Alive! I am alive!
And my dad…? I’m sure he’s in a wonderful place. He’s safe and he’s here … taking care of me my younger brother and my strong mom.
I do feel sad most of the times i do feel overwhelmed and confused but I’m planning to find myself again step by step because honestly…what can we do?
Take your time.
Be kind to yourself.
Its okay to not feel okay
And you’ll get through this as a strong person.
You deserve to feel happy again ♡
Elaine October 7, 2020 at 12:51 pm
Truth be known, I have tried to move on after the loss of my mom. However, I guess I was incorrect. I was the line primary care giver (I am single) to my mom until dementia took her cognitive ability and she stopped walking. I was then forced to put her into a nursing facility that I vowed I would never do. Guilt! She was upset with me for months. Then we had finally adjusted only to have Covid enter and I wasn’t allowed in. I watched my mother dying through a window from the outside. She no longer knew who I was. My family was of no assistance since my brother is out of state and confined to a wheelchair. My nephew is busy with his career and young family and is also out of state. My mother’s roommate’s son offered to be my sounding board even though he was going through something similar with his own mother. He told me I was not alone. He is still in contact with me and am appreciative of that but the calls are less frequent and I am certain he is having a hard time dealing with me, as I am now. Plus he still works and has crazy hours (I am retired), has a large extended family(I do not) and now the family is bringing his mother home again (he is against this but it fell on deaf ears) so he will have more commitment there. I have no real friends anymore since my mother and my career monopolized my time for the last 20 years. People beg off after while when you are not able to socialize and be a part of their lives. Sad but true. One person I know did suggest I join her coffee group. I have done that but everyone is so much older than I and they only gossip, discuss their families, discuss politics and their health issues. I go just to get out of the house. It is not my idea of fun. This takes up about an hour of my day. On top of that, I am looking for fun and adventure since I had none for so many years. Now Covid has put a damper on all that as well. I would love a life of my own now. I would like to have a companion and do things together. But with Covid that, too, is nearly impossible. I have no interests or hobbies since all my time was dedicated to caregiving and work. I have no one to talk to and no one really wants to hear how I may feel. As long as I am listening to them I am a good person. But they do not return that in kind, I am alone with my own thoughts all day and I have come to dislike my own company. I am at a loss. My days are so long. I go to bed as soon as it is dark. I feel it is better to sleep the time away than to sit and watch the minutes tick by with nothing to do and nowhere to really go. I am in a small town so excitement is very limited. I feel very alone, scared and I cry a great deal. I don’t know how to stop feeling this way. Any suggestions?
Elizabeth October 12, 2020 at 9:51 pm
I’m so sorry for your loss. I understand truly the loneliness,it feels as though life has stopped for us that are going through grief.
I wish I had a words to somehow take away your pain, I have recently lost a loved one so I understand the rollercoaster of emotions.
I will keep you and all that are hurting in prayer. That God gives you the peace your heart needs.
Yvette January 17, 2021 at 8:07 am
Thank you for sharing your story. You’ve been dealt a rough hand that’s for sure. From what you’ve said maybe volunteering would be a good option for you. That way you can meet people and contribute to something you find meaningful. I also recommend hiking tours or similar for that sense of adventure. Of course it depends where you are and what the restrictions are; but I once went on a 17 day hike/bike/kayak tour and it was the most alive I’ve ever felt. Good luck x
Pam September 23, 2020 at 6:36 pm
I lost my boyfriend of 10 years on February 19th, 2020. He was not sick, there was no accident, unfortunately he had an aneurysm in his heart and his life ended suddenly, without warning. Its been so hard for me to deal with because soon after that Covid took over and it was the worst time to be forced to stay at home and away from people when you needed them the most.
i still feel like i am in shock, and sometimes i think, no, no this could not have happened to me. I feel so bad that his life was cut short. He was 48 years old, i fell in love with him the first time i met him. i feel lost, sad, alone and lifeless. he was such a positive, and happy person and he made me laugh so much. i am struggling, a lot. i don’t know how i will ever get through this. all i keep thinking is that I will never see him again in my life – never ! i am broken.
IsabelleS September 24, 2020 at 8:54 am
Hi Pam, thank you for taking the time to comment. First, I want to say that I am so sorry for your loss. It is so difficult to lose someone you love so immensely. I know it might not feel like it, but everything you are feeling is normal. Feeling in shock, for example, is a completely normal and acceptable feeling. It may be helpful for you to seek out a therapist or counselor to speak with, which you can find here: https://grief.com/grief-counselor-directory/ If you are thinking of hurting yourself, or even if you just need someone to talk with to prevent from getting to that place, please call the national suicide helpline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit their website where you can do a live online chat https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Pam May 19, 2022 at 3:52 pm
Pam sorry for your lost. I see we have more than our names in common unfortunately. I to lost the love of my life just last month. I was living with him 14yrs. of them married three. We had two son’s who are now as you can imagine young men. Both live at home one goes to school, the other works. I never would leave my sons and go to Arizona where he went and only returned once for my son’s graduation four years ago. He begged me to come visit than he stopped. He was looking for a house here near me a few hours away. He than died suddenly. We face timed, laughed and cried together but I dreamed of seeing him. I lived to see him again. I could not seem to meet a nicer man. Now I’m all alone. I understand
denise September 8, 2020 at 5:04 pm
lost husband 3 years ago, he had an addiction that he passed away from and ive been homeless and trying to go forward. Been hurt by men who have tried to take advantage of my loss. The Real is that I was not the Addict he was and he left me here in a World full of Strangers.
Christine M Caruso August 12, 2020 at 8:01 pm
I lost my Dad in December 2019 and four months later I lost my Mom whom I either saw or talked to every single day. Then because they were both gone we had to sell our family home that all 5 of my siblings and I grew up in. Its all been such a great loss and sometimes I actually feel guilty about being able to still carry on with life. My grief comes in waves and unfortunately because of Covid I am at home far more than I should be. I don’t know if I am depressed and I try to carry on without these feelings of guilt, but it is a struggle at times. I have other friends that I can connect with who have also lost their parents and I’m close to my sisters and we share our feelings but losing both parents in such a short period of time and without really any warning, has left a huge void inside of me.
Craig Mansfield September 6, 2020 at 4:45 am
I had a bad time from May 2019.
I’m still working on coping and grieving, but times when I feel “up” and capable, are increasing.
It’s true that you don’t know what you’re capable of, until you’re tested.
I send you my love, in this dreadful time.
Grieving is a process; it starts and continues. Get all the help you need, and put your own health and needs first.
You’ll get there x
Jane July 27, 2020 at 9:16 pm
Lost my mother and her name was Eleanor Haley, this is far too painful for me. My mom did suddenly and she was my world and I miss her terribly, I am processing filling a wrongful death suit and I am just devastated by the loss of my beloved mother Eleanor.
Tim August 7, 2020 at 11:00 pm
I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my fiancé last December and I still feel so lost and lonely without her. I am praying for you
Naziba June 1, 2020 at 2:27 am
I can feel you all.I’m 22 and I lost my father two weeks ago and I can’t move forward at all.It’sa rollercoaster ride of emotion.I don’t even wanna face the fact that he isn’t here anymore.Life completely changed for me.Being the oldest one and getting all the responsibilities of my young siblings and my mother is new to me. I don’t even know how to go through it but I’m just hanging on here,letting the time pass by.It really gets so hard at times.Suddenly,I lost all interests and I don’t see life in the same way anymore.I feel so vulnerable at times.But I hope he is in a better place though.There are so many things I’d left to tell him.I just wish I could turn back time.All the old times feel more than precious now.Guess I didn’t appreciate life much back then but now everything changed and the world doesn’t feel like a warm place anymore . I just hope all of you can come out of it.Bit by bit.Slowly but surely.Hugs.
Lisa Mc Gowan September 29, 2020 at 5:53 pm
I lost both my parents. My Mum died suddenly 9 years ago at the age of 59 and as I am the eldest, I took over her role to take care of Dad who passed away last year. You said your Dad passed away 2 weeks ago and can’t move on. My dear, you are aloud to grieve like the rest of your family. 2 weeks is nothing. Be good to yourself. I know been the oldest, you may feel responsible, but your Dad gave you life. Give yourself time to be with your friends and it is perfectly ok to laugh and smile. Remember you’re grieving too. Make sure to have a circle of friends and a good support network around you. Ye are all in this together, nobody in the family should rely on you to take care of them. The best thing to do, is to grieve together as family. Hope you will be ok
DeAl ton?? October 7, 2020 at 3:59 pm
Am so sorry
I lost my dad too
This past Sunday at 7 o’clock am
And I still not believe that he is gone
CYNTH May 23, 2020 at 10:25 am
I was married to a narcissistic sociopath and tried to end our marriage after many years. A short while later he took his own life but not before he financially devastated himself and us as our divorce had not been finalized yet. Before he committed suicide he went through all phones & electronics and deleted any information other than leaving old emails etc to his numerous girl & boyfriends just so I’d see them. I found out about basically a 2nd life. He also left a very cold note basically saying FU.
While I hated all the terrible things he had done to me & us, I didnt hate him. And had let him know that. Asking for a divorce was for my own personal self worth knowing I deserved better than how I was being treated. Not in a million years did I consider this would be the ending.
Least of all would I have wished him to end his life. The guilt has been paralyzing and starting from absolutely zero at 48 yrs old has knocked me straight on my ass. It has been a year and a bit and Im still struggling on how to pick myself up.
We had just moved to a new city and I was already starting over. I know very few people here and its been very lonely. I have been a strong woman throughout my life. I’ve travelled through much adversity and had never let it beat me including having had cancer. But this, him leaving like he did……I can’t even explain how its taken me out…. I also can’t even imagine the darkness in his life that he was fighting.
And the lies and deception that I also learned of after his passing has taken it to a whole new level. Not only his passing do I need to handle but the lies, deceit, debts, his creditors coming after an estate that is bankrupt and treating me like its my debt….i could go on and on.
It literally could have been a story for one of those real life crime shows. I was lucky to get out alive. People close to me and know the whole story say I should write a book…
For now I just try to get through each day and breathe. Just dont know how to recover, release the guilt & truly feel peace & happiness again. I read endless tips on moving forward and healing and its like my body and brain are stuck….in fear, pain, grief…..everything I was so passionate about just seems to be insignificant…
I can only imagine I’ll never be the same woman I was.
I wish peace & strength to all who are grieving and struggling. I truly understand to some degree as to what you are going through.
Jessica O'Sullivan August 3, 2020 at 6:55 pm
My dad died in July 2018,my husband died in November 2019 and my mother died in May 2020 from Cancer.I have good friends and listen to the radio,I read.
But i find it very difficult when someone i know dies, find myself crying.
I am waiting to move into a flat in my town, a new start for me hopefully.I haven’t found myself feeling suicidal and hardly drink so I think I am doing well.
julie mc pake May 18, 2020 at 7:40 pm
i just saw your message about losing your dog. i just wanted you to know i feel the same and it has turned a year now, he was 14. he was such a lovely nature and good looking. i think of him still all the time. cancer of the liver they think. i guess we were lucky in that we did not have to put him down at the end he lay down in the sitting room and went to sleep. but it was no easier i was hysterical. and i had to keep him all night at home next day vets came and carried him out of our house it was terrible, i now have his ashes. and i now have just lost my partner the house seems so empty now, i too am struggling. so i know how you feel. maybe you are feeling a bit better now. i hope so.
Jim April 15, 2020 at 9:37 am
I lost my wife of 40 years to cancer almost a year ago. I started drinking heavily to try and cope with my loss but drink just made things worse for me. I have had counselling and then joined group counselling. This is helping but some days I struggle to function properly as all I can think about is my wife. I once contemplated suicide but could not go through with it. I have a great family and great support from work colleagues but that does not seem to be enough for me. I feel I have reached a crossroads in my life and don’t know which way to turn. I feel so lost.
Clive Gilmour October 24, 2020 at 6:10 am
Dear Jim. Like you I lost my wife of 47 years to cancer on 1st May this year. I was totally devastated and turned to drink to “drown” my grief. The result was not the desired one. I became suicidal and nearly lost my mind. Thank God I have a strong relationship with Jesus Christ and my church family. With the strength of the Lord I turned it around and stopped drinking on 16th June. One of my friends gave me this advise, which I have found invaluable: life comes in seasons, just like the climate, one season very different from the other. Each season is there for us to enjoy it’s uniqueness. You will never forget the joys of the season with your wife, but that is over, we now need to move on in the new season and explore the gift of each new day. God bless you Jim. I will pray for a full recovery for you.
jerm April 3, 2020 at 12:29 pm
I lost my father when he was 46. A few months later I lost my job and 2 months later my wife left. Fast forward 8 years and I remarried an amazing woman. A year later we lost our child late in pregnancy. Six months later I lost yet another job and 1 month later my 2nd spouse left due to her pain after our loss. I also lost her daughter I raised as my own for 5 years. Five years later and I do have a great career but the past 5 years are a blur. I’m about to turn 43 and grief still haunts me almost daily. I pushed away EVERY friend and have zer family near me. I’m simply trying to survive but what kind of life is that? Pain seems to be all I know.
B April 13, 2020 at 10:02 pm
Feeling your pain… Everything will be okay in the end and of it isn’t it is not the end…
Anonymous January 15, 2020 at 1:17 am
I lost my dog. He’s not a human but I lost him on January 10th 2020 around 12:00 in the afternoon. I have a lot of regrets which isn’t usually like me. I was his caretaker and was doing hospice at home for him. I never got a proper goodbye because I was thinking about him and his needs and my families and not my own. I didn’t take time with him by myself to say goodbye. Sometimes I feel like my mind tries to block it out that he’s not here anymore. I’m like some of you that I hate living and hate everything about everyone and everything and feel like I can’t take it anymore sometimes. He had a malignant carcinoma tumor of his kidney and stage two to three kidney disease. We had to put him down in a state of urgency and I didn’t like it or want it but it’s what was best for him in the moment. I really wanted a natural death at home but it became too bad for me to take care of him at home. He couldn’t breathe and was tremoring and hadn’t eaten for a week. He just didn’t seem like himself before he passed and I wish I would’ve taken a moment to kind of breath, step back and be alone with him in the room to have shared that special moment. I can barely go on without him and I’m constantly battling suicidal thoughts. I’m getting help but stil…I miss him.
Erica August 11, 2020 at 10:08 pm
I just lost my 9 year old dog to his 5 month battle with brain cancer. He started to show signs of decline: loss of interest in playing and food. I had an appointment to put I’m to rest this past Saturday at 9:30am however he started showing signs of restlessness Friday evening which ended up turning into several gran mal seizures. Luckily I was able to contact a friend at 430am to help get him to the emergency vet. His death was chaotic and I feel so guilty that it was not peaceful. Like you, I have so much guilt that I was such a mess off and on the last couple of months that I feel like I wasted some of our precious time together. I am experiencing numbness. One minute I’m okay next I am a crying mess. I miss him so much and wish that I could have done something to make his passing more peaceful.
Deidre Chitty January 11, 2020 at 9:38 pm
I have lost my grandmother in Dec. 2019. At 97 you would think it would be easy. It’s not that she has passed it’s the WAY she died. There are many questions surrounding her death. She was in perfect health, for her age, according to the doctors. She had just moved to a different assisted living facility 6 weeks prior to her death. She was happy, eating well, getting out and interacting with people and enjoying family time. Two days prior to her “accident” she was out enjoying a whole day with our family looking at decorated Christmas trees and breakfast out.
Her “accident” is shrouded in questions. We checked on her daily and would call her at 10 a.m. everyday. She would sometimes not answer if she was in the bathroom, or had dropped her phone under her bed and stuff but usually answered the 2nd or 3rd time we would call.
However that day she didn’t. We , my aunt and I, had called and when we couldn’t reach her by 11:30 we called the main phone and asked the to go check on her. When we still hadn’t heard anything at 12:30 I called again. I was told they had gotten busy and would go immediately and check on her. At 1:30 I called her apartment again and it was answered by a nurse in her room saying she had fallen out of bed and hit her head. As her bed is only 8 inches off the floor I thought no big deal. They were taking her to the E.R. which was normal for her age after a fall. The nurse then asked about her life status – dnr or do all to keep her alive? This concerned me as we had filled out the paperwork prior to her moving in and I thought it shouldn’t be that bad.
BUT, it WAS that bad. A 8″ gash across her check that was about 1/2″ wide and deep. Bruising all the way around her eye and her arm. She wasn’t very talkative, unlike her, and they did a ct scan. She had a quarter size blood clot and bleeding on her brain. After an hour she wasn’t talking at all, looking aimlessly around the room and they did a second ct scan and her blood clot was now the size of a grapefruit. This was when the doctor informed us that she was going downhill fast and probably only going to get worse. And she did. She went in a coma and never came out. She died 4 days later.
The think is that there was blood CAKED in her hair, on her clothes, etc. But when we went to her apartment there was NO BLOOD ANYWHERE! Not on the floor, bed clothes, bedside table, rug, NO WHERE! Then we got news that the cause of death was blunt force trauma to her head. And that the death certificate was delayed because the coroner was looking into it.
I haven’t heard a word from the coroner’s office or the assisted living facility. I blame myself for not following up earlier in the day and for not making sure the faciility was doing their job. If she had died in her sleep I would be sad but could deal with it. BUT THIS NOT KNOWING IS KILLING ME. And my aunt keeps asking me if I’ve heard anything and if I’m going to do anything (I’m her executor). I’ve called and emailed the coronor’s office and nothing. It has been a month and I’m just getting more and more depressed. I just have no ability to concentrate or do any of the stuff I used to do. WHAT CAN I DO????
Always Lonely January 9, 2020 at 2:53 pm
I lost my husband on Nov 26, 2019 very unexpectedly and sudden. He was 55 years old. I don’t know how to feel. One day, I’m okay and the next, I’m an emotional wreck. I feel guilty if I go anywhere that he liked. I feel guilty if I change anything in the house. I haven’t been able to get rid of anything that was his. I hate my new life and don’t know how I’m going to live the rest of it without him. I’m working again but it’s hard to concentrate. Actually, I’m writing this from work. I hate it when the sun goes down and the house is still and quiet. I hate going to bed and he’s not beside me. I hate waking up and he’s not there. I hate weekends which is when we would spend every minute together. I know I have to adjust but I’m not sure if I’ll ever be truly happy again.
Lost January 14, 2020 at 4:03 pm
I also lost my husband unexpectedly and sudden on November 11, 2019. He was 46 years old and we were together for 27 years, and I feel the same way you do. I can’t do anything without him, we did everything together. It is so hard going home and knowing he will not be there or come home. I am so lost without him. Everyday I don’t know what to do I feel guilty doing anything without him. I cry all the time, I’m sad and unhappy. He was my happiness and my life, and when he passed away my happiness was gone. I can’t think and breath the same anymore, I’m living in a fog.
Joyce February 2, 2020 at 1:37 pm
I lost my husband unexpectedly on Nov 30,2019 ,he had just turned 51..and everything that everyone has written before me sums up my life and feelings completely. I’m lost.
Jack February 14, 2020 at 8:43 pm
I know what you mean and can relate to all your feelings. Lost my wife of 37 years to quick moving cancer in October, 2019. We had been together since high school and did everything together, I mean everything. I was so blessed and everyone always said how I “married up”. She was 5’4 115 pounds her entire life. Physically fit and always ready to go out hiking, golfing, fishing etc. Now I’m lost and keep thinking how it will never be again. However, I am getting out on a regular basis just doing things solo more often than not. Even went to Disneyland in January to celebrate our wedding anniversary. I got an extra ticket and gave it to a family telling them it was from my wife Pam while showing her photo on my phone. They kept saying how I made their day and I told them no, you made my day. Went to a college basketball game this past Saturday and they were giving away bobbleheads as you entered. Had no idea what I would do with it but when I went to take my seat there was the sweetest little girl sitting next to me. I asked her if she had received a bobblehead and she said no. I showed her my wife’s photo and told her my wife had gone to heaven a few months ago and said I should give this to her. She lit up with the biggest smile and then said…”my mommy went to heaven a few weeks ago.” Chills ran down my back and I told her that I bet your mommy and my Pam arranged for us to sit next to each other and that we were going to be all right. She smiled and said, you really think so? I said, you bet. Had to be a God moment because you tell me what are the odds on the guy that lost his wife a few months ago ending up sitting next to the little girl that lost her Mom a few weeks ago in a crowd of over 10,000 people. Indeed, I still cry every day and I’m sad but at the same time I keep pushing forward. It’s very hard but these little moments certainly help.
m August 16, 2020 at 11:38 am
Yes, “God moment”, everything happens for a reason!
Sharon August 28, 2020 at 7:49 am
My husband died just after your husband, on 6 December 2019. He had recently turned 73, and died very unexpectedly, and very suddenly, and I’m still living with so much anger towards the doctor and the hospital. I’m just waiting for answers from them and I’m hoping with all my heart that I will be able to close that chapter of my life. My husband was the kindest, most loving, most generous, and most compassionate person I’ve ever known, and I miss him every day.
I have trouble with the question I get most days – “How are you?”, especially when it comes with a sad face. I really don’t want to reply and tell people that “I’m OK” when I’m not, so I lie and say “OK”, because I don’t want sympathy and I don’t want to make them feel uncomfortable. Unfortunately, people then think I’ve “moved on” and tell me that they’re happy to hear that. Then, I’m annoyed with myself and feel guilty because they think I moved on quickly. It’s difficult. I just wish I could think of a reply to satisfy them and be true to myself.
I’m seeing a qualified grief counsellor, which is helping. She doesn’t sit there like two previous counsellors did and smile and nod in sympathy. We discuss things that concern me. She recently told me that the deep pain associated with my husband’s death will never go away, but it will “soften” over time. When I see her next we’re going to talk about the sadness I have because he had so much planned for this year and he’s not here any longer to fulfil those dreams. We’re also going to talk about the “hole” I’m in, and can’t get out of, because he’s not here with me.
Everywhere I look, here’s there.
I have a disability and he cared for me. He did everything from shopping, cooking, cleaning, gardening etc – he was my life and I will always love and miss him.
John January 5, 2020 at 5:46 pm
Glad I found a sight that has people can share their loss.
My wife passed away Nov 24th 2019 in a head on collision 5 minutes from our home. She was only 52 an amazing woman. We dated over 30 years ago when we were in our twenties and found each other again and were only married 1.5 yrs then her sudden death. It is such an unbeatable feeling of loss… literally takes half your heart away. I am attending grief counseling hopeing I will soon be able to cope better.
Diana M December 30, 2019 at 1:22 pm
My 29 year old son died suddenly in May. He had had a brain tumor that was treated 24 years ago. We got complacent and didn’t think it would come back but suddenly there it was. Looking back there were signs I missed. I have so much guilt because we took him to ER and the surgeon had a meeting planned for four days later to discuss surgery. We didn’t advocate enough for him! Instead we were waiting for the meeting and he stopped breathing the day before the meeting and died in the hospital. How do I move forward from this? He lived at home and I miss him so much! Why didn’t I insist on a meeting earlier or go to another hospital? This is what I think about all the time.
Chi December 18, 2019 at 9:08 am
Lost my husband to ALS just last week! I found myself kept going back to those moments in the past ! It’s really painful , but knowing myself ,never let anything take control of my life
For now , I just need time !
As time goes by it will heal everything ! I hope for that
Stormy Jennings December 23, 2019 at 8:36 pm
I lost my husband to ALS July 25th of this year. Christmas will be 5 months with him. I cry all the time. I quit my job in may to take care of him full time and finally started back this month. This is the hardest thing I have ever been thro. I hurt all the time.
Val November 24, 2019 at 2:59 am
I have observed that when my friends and people I know have loss someone in death, they all had one thing in common. The one thing that helped them through was time. The other thing I noticed that they all had in common. They never got over losing the one they loved. Time helped the crushing, soul shaking pain to lessen. Do they still cry sometimes or get sad? Yes. One might ask how much time? As much time as each individual needs. My girlfriend lost her daughter to cancer. She told me she remembers the exact moment when she got her old laugh back. It took a lot of time. Yes, there are days when she gets sad, but she feels better. I tell you this so you can believe you will not always feel like you do now. Knowing what I have just shared with you gives me hope for the future. I lost my husband of just shy of 45 years, 3 months ago. My heart is broken. The world does not look or sound the same to me. It is hard to see other people going on with their lives when I am frozen in mine. I am so overcome with grief it is hard to smile or laugh. People look so confused when they ask me how I am feeling. I tell them “Terrible”. I close with I have hope that one day, I won’t feel like I feel today and hope the same for all of you. I also pray for comfort and help.
bruce November 15, 2019 at 8:14 am
An orphan at 30. I just turned 30 and lost my mother 3 weeks back. It was all so sudden, she was normal and healthy and passed away to cardiac arrest. When I look back now I see that she had slowly deteriorated but only looking back now can I connect the dots. My dad had passed away to Pancreatic Cancer 4 years back and now to lose my mother is even more devastating. She was a good soul and I can’t believe I am going through this. Life has been so unfair to me.
Felipe November 18, 2019 at 7:52 pm
Same here, pal! I’m 29 and my mother passed away two weeks ago and my father passed away 3 years ago. It’s damn hard to re-adjust…
Joy December 1, 2019 at 5:55 am
I am 34 and lost my mom 10 weeks ago with sudden passing away. Your comments really resonate with me about hindsight and the signs of deteriorating over time. I feel awful because I don’t think I was as “in tune” with my moms health until this year. I know she hasn’t been making good life choices at times and also me living out of state made it hard too. It is so awful though and she was young, only 63. I’ve had to endure her birthday in oct and now Thanksgiving without her… and Christmas and my birthday and the new year are next. What makes it even more difficult is I do not have any supportive family.
Dinesh December 18, 2019 at 4:37 am
I am 34 aswell, celebrated moms 63rd birthday on november, she died the same time you replied this message! This is so strange! I am full of regrets now and everytime i look at the calendar, my mind just tells she was alive just 2 weeks ago! so much pain. I miss my mom.
Maria Elise October 2, 2019 at 3:42 pm
Same here, mom pass 2019:
reading these, now im like ” cant let it win, cant let grief win “. There is a God Jesus — He is for real — He did/does His Work — we do ours, Til He Says So… its difficult, we do self care, get ourselves out from under the bridge…go on…In Jesus Name…?
Celeste September 2, 2019 at 5:08 am
06 September 2018- I lost my dad after a long battle with liver disease. I have yet to come to terms with this I am 36 and at a crossroads in my life. Time hasn’t made anything easier.
C September 21, 2019 at 4:17 am
I lost my aunt on december 9th 2005 the only person who made me feel like i fit in with my family i still have not been able to “move on” but everyone else has…the only reason im responding is selfish you have her name.. and i was going through old letters from my aunt,pictures..missing her.. found this website.. saw your post and you had her name and couldnt help myself
C September 21, 2019 at 4:38 am
The man my aunt loved had aids he knew he was infected..he didnt tell her…didnt want to lose her.. becaused he loved her i dont think i can ever get over her passing.
Id like to try and help if i can
Sharon August 28, 2020 at 8:28 am
Oh, Celeste, you are so young and I could never imagine what it would be like for your dad to die – I understand how you would be so sad.
You know, someone told me when I was 19, when my brother died aged 21 from suicide in 1966, “time heals”. Well, I found that “time didn’t heal”. Then, someone else told me “it’s not time that heals, it’s what YOU do with your time that heals”. That was the best advice I ever had. I knew then, that it was up to me to change things, for me to “heal”. I started seeing a Counsellor, and it really helped, because she gave me things to think about and things to try to do. She also validated the sadness I felt at that time, and how lost I was.
I’m not saying it was easy, as it wasn’t. I also tried to get some “normality” back into my life. You know, seeing my friends, shopping, going out etc. I had to take my life back instead of feeling so sad and so depressed. I knew my brother would never have wanted that for me.
So, try to make a plan of what you could do – if you were seeing a Counsellor, they would help.
I also kept a diary, and I would review it from time to time. That way, I could see how things were changing for me, and that I wasn’t stuck in the hole I’d been in.
Most importantly, be kind to yourself – that is so important.
I wish you all the best for your future. And, I’m sure your dad will always be watching over you, and still loving you.
Linda August 28, 2019 at 5:27 pm
My father died almost 3 years ago at age 83, mainly from pancreatic cancer but he also had LB dementia. He was sick for 5 years. His wife was his main caretaker but I helped also.
I spent the first year going to work only because I had to, and coming home and going to bed.
I miss him every day. But I also tell myself every day that he is out there somewhere. I know that on some level, somehow.
Peace for you all.
Michaela August 14, 2019 at 6:45 pm
My mother had terminal cancer , it was a 5 year long and painful journey. I was still living at home with her, taking care of her. Watching her wither away slowly and painfully was excruciatingly painful… there are no words… She was my world. My everything.
On the 14th of April 2018, she died. She was only 63.
After the funeral I reconnected with my father to whom I have had a poor, resentful relationship with since their divorce from when I was but a child.
We had a sort of reconciliation, and rekindleing our relationship.
25th of November 2018 my father went into cardiac arrest. He died at the hospital.
I was only 25 years old when my parents died.
Now My life is like in monotone, and reversed. When I’m awake it’s like a sick, bleak horrific nightmare so I sleep most of the days away as it’s the only time I might see and be with them in my dreams..
Its like I Sleep and wait for better days.. but then again what better days? Everything and anything I would accomplish Would be for ever bitter sweet. Getting my driving license, first job, marriage? Bitter sweet.
– From a lost and broken girl in her 20s
Alex November 11, 2019 at 12:00 am
I so understand how you feel. My father passed away 13 years ago. I wrote 12 then had to change it. My mom had 33 surgeries during her life.. After my dad.. just when I thought nothing could make me feel worse.. She got breast cancer a year later. We go through that only to have her develop PLS. The ultra rare, far more painful version of ALS. She slowly became paralyzed… one limb at a time. It was paralysis but with full spasticity and pain 24×7. It was horrendous. Stayed the last 6 months at home from work so I could give her her wish dying at home with her kids (my brother is deaf and that just made things so much more complicated). Anyway yeah, I have no one else and I may love my brother but it’s not the same. Life is not the same.
Anyway, sending you hugs, and if you ever want to chat, I’m here for you.
Philippa Orme January 11, 2020 at 5:32 am
Michaela , Iv just read your post and it’s touched me so much…. I am so sorry for what you have been through at such a young age. Firstly , how are you doing now?
I’m 45 & lost my mum in Nov 19 after a 5 year battle with Alzheimer’s . I also , as you described , watched her wither away to a skeletal state unable to eat, drink, move. That painful state took her life as I held her. I have a father I do not see , divorced mum 18 yr ago, we never saw eye to eye & although Iv tried to re connect with him since her death (as I thought he may at least feel sympathy for me) he hasn’t reciprocated and still ignores me – as does my sister who’s 50! My sister hated my mum , mum was my world so I went through 5 horrific years alone in an emotional hell hole watching mum deteriorate & never being able to share how I felt with anyone who “got it “ not being able to share the burden of pain is so so torturing. I feel so alone!
Now – I am married & have 2 boys of 12 & 15. Let me tell you that my husband is amazing & has been very supportive but if you have no blood family you feel Just as alone as if you were not married. I do take HUGE comfort in my boys but grief is grief and emulates I’m so many ways.
Do you have a best friend? Anyone you can truly confide in unconditionally?? I worry you are coping truly alone. Michaela , you will see the joy in things again , honestly ! You mention marriage , when you do meet someone it will change your life! The right person will become that part of your heart again you have lost. The fact you re connected with your dad again before he passed was amazing and I only wish I could with mine. That connection was the control of your mum who made that happen. They are both with you and always will be. For their sake you must make small steps to still live a fulfilling life as they did not create you to wilt & die yourself my love.
This will not happen over night & take the time you need but please be mindful about your own health & wellbeing as you do. You deserve a life and I know you will find a way to be happy again , but you must help yourself do so and keep talking !
I wish you all good wishes , you are still so young & that is on your side! X
Eddie July 23, 2019 at 1:55 pm
my mother passed away on 12/07/2019. We were talking and the next moment she fell over and within 3 minutes she was gone. She passed away in front of me. The post Morton showed she had a massive heart attack. I am 35 years old. She was my whole life. She was my pillar and my alpha and omega. After more than a week after her passing i still find it hard to believe that i will never see her again. Now i just want to get away and start a new life elsewhere
Sandy July 24, 2019 at 10:17 pm
I know how you feel. I lost my mom suddenly from heart failure on July 2. Took her to the ER because she wasn’t feeling well and she passed within 48 hours. I never thought this would happen. I miss her terribly and just don’t know how to keep going. In grief counseling now.
Danae October 12, 2019 at 7:57 am
Eddie- I lost my dad on July 12 as well. He was outside, felt dizzy and fell back and was gone in a minute. Doctors said he most likely suffered a heart attack as well. It has completely broken my heart. Three months now, and I’m still crying every day. I’m so sorry that you lost your mom like this too. The pain from their sudden absence is paralyzing. Thoughts to you, Eddie.
Celine M. Wojnarowski July 1, 2019 at 11:20 am
I found this site by accident after crying for a week. It has been 3 months (March 30, 2019) since my mother died at the age of 95 and I haven’t cried until last week. I didn’t realize how tired my body was taking care of her and how a routine of 40 years suddenly gone could affect me. I have a hole in my life where responsibility once lived. I imagined a life without her as a someday experience, but now that it is here, I find that I am in no way prepared for it. I am waiting for life to get back to normal, to find something to fill that hole in my life. I have no family support since their lives continue on in normalcy while I’ve had the rug pulled out from under me. I have coped by re-decorating my home, removing clutter, and letting go of things I no longer needed or cared about. In letting go of small stuff it is easier to let go of mother. Small changes help me to deal with the large change and realize that nothing is a given and nothing stays the same forever. Everything in life changes. My life won’t ever be the same without my mother who was with me for 65 years, but taking life slower and making little changes just by moving the glasses to another cupboard in the kitchen has helped. You don’t need a plan, just move a plant to another spot. Getting used to it being somewhere else, i remind myself that mother is somewhere else now, too!
Jessica Ring August 10, 2019 at 7:35 pm
i Lost my Mom Aug 1st 2019 and thank you very much for sharing, I can closely relate with your experience and find comfort in thinking, she has moved too.
Jaynsson27@gmail.com June 20, 2019 at 8:55 am
Thank you all for sharing your sad expierences . I hope it helps even one person on this thread .
I know how most of you feel . I lost my parents recently , my brother , and my aunt . All within 5 months .
I can only manage to do what has to be done daily ( caring for my dog , grooming myself , etc ) other than that , I have no energy or interest in anything else . Life has become meaningless to me . I have become like a recluse . Waiting to feel even half human again . Everyone I toook care of while sick , all did what most of us do … went to work , did activities , planned for the future and their retirement someday & for what ? The reward was illness then death .
I tried to stay in contact with friends , however they could not handle what to say to me or how to say it so they chose the cowards was out by dropping out of my life . Between the deaths of my loved ones , and friends abandoning me ( another reason for that is I can’t give them anything right now as I’ve always done so they don’t need me anymore )
You realize when these uncontrollable things happen to us , that it comes down to ourselves and God . That’s it .
Just ourselves and God . He will never foresake us . I talk to God all the time & ask him to help me get thru this life and let me find some joy and peace before it’s my turn to go home to heaven . I don’t want things or money , they are all temporary – just to feel an ounce of joy again & soñé peace is all I pray for . There is no other way but to ask God for help . All of this meditation advice , join a self help group , is all nonsense . God bless you all & May you find joy and peace again .
Seth Allison June 18, 2019 at 6:27 pm
On February 3, 2019, I walked into my bedroom to find my beautiful wife of 17 years had passed away some time in the night. She wasn’t sick, was in good health, never drank or did any drugs, her heart just stopped they say. I am left with raising our two teenage boys who are angels themselves, but everything in this world has become worthless to me. I ask God all the time to please just take me and I know that isn’t fair to these boys but the pain I feel constantly each day is overwhelming. I miss my best friend so much and even four months later find it unconscionable that I must live out the rest of my days without her. I feel that even at 44, my wife was 42 btw, I will never replace this woman and will live my remaining days alone and miserable.
Sue June 19, 2019 at 10:48 pm
I’m so incredibly sorry for your loss. There is nothing that anyone can say or do to fill that space in your heart. My prayer is that healing will come in time in some unexpected way. I pray peace in your heart and for your boys. I just had a unexpected devastating loss of my brother, but I do not profess to know your pain. I just wanted to reach out and send you a loving thought because what you wrote was palpable and my heart hurt for you. God bless you and your boys and I’m incredibly sorry.
Ano July 9, 2019 at 7:22 am
Your post just broke my heart and I wanted to reach out. I lost my husband in exactly the same way a few weeks ago. He was 52 and had an undetected heart issue. It was the shock of my life. Please know that you are not alone in this. It is a horrible, senseless thing and we have no control over it. It is a hurricane that destroyed our lives. The main thing that is really helping me now is the support of friends and family, acquaintances and strangers. Let them help you. You and your boys need and deserve to feel love and care from others.
Johnny August 5, 2019 at 10:09 am
I don’t know if I should reply to you. I do know how you feel and its impossible to put it into words. My wife passed away suddenly last January. We were both divorced from bad marriages and met in extraordinary circumstances. We became friends, lovers, soul mates and married. Our marriage of 15 years was wonderful. My whole life revolved around my wife. She was wonderful. An angel. I am the luckiest man on earth to have met her and shared my life with her. Now I am stuck in hell. Nobody understands the mental torture I am going through, the loneliness, guilt, regrets, loss and nothingness. My wife loved our home and me. Now my home, like me, is an empty shell. I don’t care abut it or myself. I do not have children. If I had, maybe I would focus all my love for my wife on them, and rear them to adulthood as she would have wanted. I know that sounds damn near impossible but its not.
GaryB December 31, 2019 at 1:12 pm
I lost my life-my soul- my world in August 2018 after a devastating 2 months of terminal lung spread to brain cancer. She was 62 and I 64 and we had both just retired and bought a beautiful retirement home. I have longed to die myself every time I go to sleep. While I have children and grandkids-it was my wife I wanted/needed and after all we thought we had about 20-25 years of the “good life-those golden years” we had worked so hard to get to. In the end all she got in our home was barely 2 months! Yeah thanks God that was some trade off for all we went through to get to it. My holidays (2nd round) have been crap and year 2 was worse than year 1! I get up and while I am alive I am not living. I just go through the motions of every day life with a mask covering my face and its real feelings. I put up the smiles on photo ops and at functions try to give the appearance I am ok as I dont want to bring others down. In my remaining family (all her side) nobody wants to talk about it-nobody has put their arm around me and ask “how ya really doin-you ok or not?” There is no straight talk just avoidance and I now have no family from her side-I could as easily just be gone from all of them. It hurts every day as they all have their spouses while all I do at night and in morning is kiss my wifes ashes that I keep with me til the day I die and then we will go in together for eternity. Of course most likely to be ignored-forgotten and never visited. So there it is at age 65 I just wait to die-the home now a house-she never got the chance to turn it into a home. I wonder do I keep or just get rid of it and am leaning to the latter as time goes by. Oh yeah I get all the phrases tossed at me like “she wants you to be happy-to enjoy life-do the things you wanted to do”. Yeah I call BS to that! I want no part to do whet we planned to do together alone. I feel your pain and do not feed into the “in time you will feel better” line. It may never happen- Just know you are not alone (as if that even helps too). The fact is we now realize how much it would be to have died first as being a survivor is so miserable!
david mergenhagen January 28, 2020 at 9:44 am
Your post is so perfectly done- i lost my wife suddenly (age 60) in 2017– all your thoughts are identical to mine and the disapearance of the inlaws is identical. i could not continue to live in our home and after 2 years did sell- it was a relief- not just of the memories but the other responsibilities of home ownership.
GaryJa February 12, 2022 at 8:33 am
Like you Gary I am going through the same but a little different circumstances. I too lost my wife unexpectedly when she had heart surgery that was supposed to make her better. We knew it was a difficult surgery to go through but never expected for this to happen. She had the heart surgery December 1, 2021 which after that she never woke up from the surgery for five weeks. I visited her every week for five weeks because of this Covid , it was hard to see her and I was 3 hrs away from her in hospital. Well after five weeks the doctors sat me down to explain what we might expect, she was not getting any better even worst! I had to decide to take her off the ventilator to see if she would keep breathing on her on , but past away that night. It was the hardest decision I had to make but she was not getting any better. God help me! .
Its been two months since that has happened and have been going through the grieving stages. I feel so lost ,don’t know were to turn, what to look forward too , I just want to die too, I miss her so badly, we were married for 42 years, we built this live together, lived in the house for 40 years , so lots of memories, very happy ones, never thinking we would be apart. Had lots to still do , planning the next few years together, but that all came too a end. I have cried every day since she passed away, but I don’t know what to look forward too other than too die too!
I so sorry for your loss and know just how you are feeling!
Louise June 16, 2019 at 1:08 am
I’ve been sitting here crying and found these comments and decided to comment myself. I have lost both of my parents and 2 years ago lost my husband of 46 years. I took care of all of them during their sickness and now I feel lost. I have two children, but they have their lives . I know I need to get involved with church again, and I’m trying to do that. It’s so hard and I find at times it’s just easier to just stay home! Tomorrow is Father’s Day and I’m thinking of my dad and husband and how lonely I feel and wanting to be happy again. It’s comforting knowing that others go through this and take the time to share.
Melissa McGehee May 30, 2019 at 10:20 am
I am so glad I found this site. I dont feel so alone in my feelings. I lost my husband to cancer April 13th. I was his main caregiver through it all. I do feel blessed that he passed at home, me holding his his hand for last breath. Hospice at home was a blessing, but now I’m not so sure. I cant get past all the horrible last few weeks, my only comfort is he wasn’t in pain. I wrestle with how much he said he didn’t want to die and leave me…and I didn’t want him to go either. God I miss him and the hurt is so deep. I feel our kids are grown, grandchildren doing good, what else is there. I go to work which helps, but all the sudden I’ve called in the last 2 days, I feel like I am strong enough to go on without him, I just dont want to.
Sharon May 16, 2019 at 11:46 am
I just lost my best friend few days ago. We are one generation apart but we relate to one another just like he is part of my age group. I hate to admit, but I feel like my days are meaningless and I miss him very dearly. Activities and passions that we both enjoyed together now become meaningless too. I wake up in the middle of nights, wishing that my heartbeat will stop so that I may join him.
ELDRICH May 12, 2019 at 12:09 pm
Today we had buried my only brother I have lost both parents few years back today it failed like yesterday I am 28years old he(my lost brother) had been my everything. Everyone tells me you still young you can make it but ,how do I deal with the pain how do I face tomorrow .It feels like all the pain I were trying to deals with from the age of 14years old have come back .Tell me how.
jane May 6, 2019 at 10:49 am
As the grief becomes a little more manageable the paperwork, using a computer, living in France, having no family Gets harder. I have had enough.
Life is too hard
Shwetha May 25, 2019 at 2:13 pm
Can u please help me how to cope ….
I have the same feeling
Maria May 5, 2019 at 2:46 pm
I have lost my 2 parents and four brothers. I took care of my mother when she suffered a massive stroke and my brother who just died 2 weeks ago from a hemorrhage stroke, weak heart, kidney failure and epilepsy. He had this for 5 years and I was their caregiver. It is difficult to deal with six Loses close together my parents leaving 30 days apart, my other brother from cancer, my other 2 brothers 20 days apart and now my brother who lost his battle with stroke.
Maria May 5, 2019 at 2:46 pm
I have lost my 2 parents and four brothers. I took care of my mother when she suffered a massive stroke and my brother who just died 2 weeks ago from a hemorrhage stroke, weak heart, kidney failure and epilepsy. He had this for 5 years and I was their caregiver. It is difficult to deal with six Loses close together my parents leaving 30 days apart, my other brother from cancer, my other 2 brothers 20 days apart and now my brother who lost his battle with stroke. He was like a father to me and a major support while he battled his illness. Reading about others losses helps to see I’m not alone
Joe August 16, 2019 at 5:47 pm
You are not alone Maria. take heart and live one day at a time. count yourself lucky you had the chance to take care of your family and wherever they are, I am sure they are proud of you.
Maria May 5, 2019 at 2:45 pm
I have lost my 2 parents and four brothers. I took care of my mother when she suffered a massive stroke and my brother who just died 2 weeks ago from a hemorrhage stroke, weak heart, kidney failure and epilepsy. He had this for 5 years and I was their caregiver. It is difficult to deal with six Loses close together my parents leaving 30 days apart, my other brother from cancer, my other 2 brothers 20 days apart and now my brother who lost his battle with stroke. He was like a father to me and a major support while he battled his illness. Reading about others losses helps to see I’m not alone. It’s tough and each day is hard to get up and move on from these major loses.
Liz May 3, 2019 at 5:00 am
My darling husband of 33 years died 12 weeks ago, I feel like i just joined a club I never wanted to be a member of. To be alone aged only 56 is very hard. I might have another 33 years alone and each day feels like it takes me further from when he was alive.
Mark October 14, 2019 at 3:11 pm
I lost my wife of 33 years 11 weeks ago. I have been in shock and it’s difficult to do anything. I always figured we’d grow old together. I miss my best friend, she was everything to me.
Steiney October 17, 2019 at 1:10 am
I am sorry for your loss, Mark. I understand your pain though I wish I did not.
I lost my sweet husband of 34 years a week ago. I am so sad I can barely breathe. He had ALS, a truly ugly disease. There is no treatment and no cure. I was his sole caregiver. He was bedridden and suffered greatly, though he never complained. We were on the no hope, no help plan. I feel his loss so profoundly that I wonder how I will go on or even why I should bother. Along our horrible journey, I lost my career, my hope and quite possibly what’s left of my sanity. He was robbed of his life at 54 yrs old. The thing of it is, before he got sick, I felt I was the luckiest girl – looking forward to coming home from work to be with my guy so we could laugh, eat the amazing dishes he prepared and just talk. He blanketed me in love and I always felt protected, loved and cared for. Since his passing, I awake each day now wondering why I bother. Most of our friends deserted us. So now I find myself wondering where I go from here, knowing it won.t be anywhere good. My heart has been shredded with the pieces scattered.
Steiney October 19, 2019 at 7:08 pm
I am sorry for your loss, Mark. I understand your pain though I wish I did not.
I lost my sweet husband of 34 years a week ago. I am so sad I can barely breathe. He had ALS, a truly ugly disease. There is no treatment and no cure. I was his sole caregiver. He was bedridden and suffered greatly, though he never complained. We were on the no hope, no help plan for 2.5 years locked in a prison of caregiving. I feel his loss so profoundly that I wonder how I will go on or even why I should bother. Along our horrible journey, I lost my career, my hope and quite possibly what’s left of my sanity. The thing of it is, before he got sick, I felt I was the luckiest girl – looking forward to coming home from work to be with my guy so we could laugh, eat the amazing dishes he prepared and just talk. He blanketed me in love and I always felt protected, loved and cared for. Most of our friends deserted us and frankly, they apparently weren’t true friends in the first place. I find the solitude is the hardest. Having never lived alone, this sucks.
Steiney October 30, 2019 at 2:05 am
I am sorry for your loss, Mark. I understand your pain though I wish I did not.
I lost my sweet husband of 34 years a week ago. I am so sad I can barely breathe. He had ALS, a truly ugly disease. There is no treatment and no cure. I was his sole caregiver. He was bedridden and suffered greatly, though he never complained. We were on the no hope, no help plan for 2.5 years locked in a prison of caregivingI feel his loss so profoundly that I wonder how I will go on or even why I should bother. Along our horrible journey, I lost my career, my hope and quite possibly what’s left of my sanity. The thing of it is, before he got sick, I felt I was the luckiest girl – looking forward to coming home from work to be with my guy so we could laugh, eat the amazing dishes he prepared and just talk. He blanketed me in love and I always felt protected, loved and cared for. I am 56 years old, with no hope and no help. Since his passing, I awake each day wondering why I bother. Most of our friends deserted us and frankly, they apparently weren’t true friends in the first place. I find the solitude is the hardest. Having never lived alone, this sucks.
Karen December 5, 2019 at 3:10 am
My wonderful husband passed 2 years ago and I still don’t have a routine in my life. For 32 years his calendar was “The Gold Standard” for our lives. Over the years it included job commitments, community meetings and more. Once his health changed, it was more medical appointments, but also included community appointments. The first month after he passed, I needed to meet with someone and he said, “What works for you?” I was stunned, but chose a date and time. We had routinely met with Bob after my husband’s dialysis appointment. Now that there was no husband, there was no dialysis.
I have no husband to assist with health issues and no children to get off to work or school (they are both married and out of the house). I have no one but me to make meals for; I don’t need to wait until someone else gets home to have dinner. What’s for dinner? Well, I don’t know; I always made what everyone else liked. When your whole life revolves around husband and children, it makes it hard to make a decision.
Stephanie April 27, 2019 at 3:39 pm
My name is Stephanie and July 8th 2015 both of my sons were shot. My youngest son had been fighting a heroin addiction. He had been in rehab a couple of times. My eldest son had 3 beautiful children 5, 6 and 7. Two girls and one boy. Kyle was my youngest. I also have twin girls and a step daughter that did not live with me. Cameron my oldest was just beginning to understand what being a parent meant. Just months before, he came into the house and gave me a big hug and said “Mom, I am so sorry for everything I ever did to you. I understand now why you did the things you did. I love you and thanks for putting up with me. He was a beautiful son, blond hair, blue eyes and kind to a fault. His friends called him Superman because he would always “swoop in and save the day”. He was a lot like me, if someone needed help he was there no matter what a convenience it was, he was there to help. It had been about 3 days since we caught my son Kyle red handed steeling my computer to pawn. Everyone said I had to kick him out..so I did. What he didn’t know was that he took Cameron’s gun with him. Cameron had a job where he had to go to very unsafe places so he had a license to conceal and carry. He was very conscious about this responsibility and took it very serious. We received a message on facebook about Kyle had been gone a few days saying how sorry he was and that he was sorry he had disappointed his family. It sounded like a suicide note. Cameron was devastated. That was his baby brother and the thought that he might kill himself with his gun was more than he could take. He searched everywhere for him and finally, his step sister said that she talked to kyle and ask her to bring her some things from the house. When she came over, Cameron went with her to see if he could reason with kyle and get the gun away from him before something bad really happened. When they got to the meeting place, Cameron came out of the car. Kyle told us later that he was trying to get clean and was out of sorts with everything. Cameron tried to talk to him and told him to give him the gun. Kyle shot a round at the ground and told him to step back. C ameron was a little upset at that point, knowing that Kyle wouldn’t hurt him and said what are you going to do shot me. Kyle at that point knew he was right and pointed the gun at him own head. When Cameron saw where this was going to jump Kyle and struggled with him to get the gun away. They finally were on the ground and Cameron just about had the gun away when a man who had heard the first shot came running out of a gun shop with two guns of his own and gunned both of my boys down until they were no longer moving. He was an ex military and ex corrections officer and told the courts that he was protecting the women and children in the parking lot and got off with a stand your ground defense. He watched both of my sons bleed out and did nothing. He knew 1st aid from the military as we all are taught 1sr aid in the military and just let them bleed. Cameron died that day. Kyle would survive after a 9 hour surgery and a week in a coma. He is clean now but will never be the same. We never got to tell our story and why Cameron was there. He was just as guilty in there eyes because that was his brother. This man William Albright, put on facebook that he was writing a book called Patriot Under Fire. Because he had to go to court twice before they let him go. My son Cameron died trying to do exactly what William Albright said he was doing “Protecting everyone” and he killed my son. It has been 4 years. I cant keep a job. My whole body hurts. I barely can get out of bed. One of my twins went to a mental institute for a week because she had a break down. I took my mother in a month before Cameron died because my sister wanted to put her in a home. So my girls told me to stay home and take care of her and there Medical Assistant jobs would take care of us with moms social security. Them Cameron died and for a year we had to take care of the kids too There mom lost it for a while. Kyle was disabled and still struggling with his addiction so he too was living there and they were taking care of him too. Then the minute he moved out my sister got divorced and her and her granddaughter moved it. My Mom died last month and my sister moved out and left us with nothing. One of my twins had to help me with mom the last few months when she went into rehad a broke her hip. So Alli , the other twin lost her job when she missed two days when her sister when into the institute and my mom had a stroke so here we are trying to work again. One of my twins had diebetis and the other has not been mentally stable enough to work. I used to be in IT but I cannot remember anything any more. I had no desire to do anything. We are losing our house, and everything soon. I just hate it. I raise four kids by my self and during that time worked and went to IT Technical School and came out with a 4.0 all while raising my children by myself because my ex was a drunk and I kicked him out when the twins were only 3 months in my belly. So I am not a weak person but now, I have degenerated disk and arthritis and am losing it. I just don’t want to do anything. I have been on numerous job interviews only to cry all the way home. I have cried everyday for the past 4 years. I am spent and cannot help my children. Life has no meaning any more and worst of all I am beginning to wonder if God and my mother both hate me because I used to feel my family but now I feel nothing…I just wish it would end. I cant commit suicide because I would never see my son or my family again and it would cause so much pain for my girls..So I exist. Soon to be homeless probably if I don’t crawl out of this hole. I see this William Albright happy with his son and wife and great job and where is the justice. Maybe there is no justice in life!!!!I see evil heartless people get everything they want and me and my girls have nothing and have given our last penny to that homeless teen on the corner because I see where they are coming from. That could have been my kid. I hate my life. I use to run 3 times a week and could do anything now, I cant even walk. So you tell me how do I fix this??? I will be 59 this year . I cant wait to die. That’s how I feel. I just wish I could go with my girls too. So I just have to wait. My family is everything to me and I cant even bury my son. He sits on a shelf in a little black box. I am the worst mother ever!
K November 2, 2019 at 1:54 pm
Stephanie, I know you posted a while ago but just saw your message. I wanted to see if you were ok? You have been through more than a person should have to bear. I am grieving too – having lost my beloved mother two weeks ago. K x
Chelsea November 20, 2019 at 4:30 pm
Just saw your comment and wanted to check in with you as well. Look at how much love you describe for your sons – you are not the worst mother ever. Your love for them shines out in every heartbroken word you’ve written.
Wishing you peace.
Phillipa young April 25, 2019 at 9:02 pm
It’s great to read all the posts. I sadly lost my husband on boxing day 2018 to cancer. He was just 58. We had been together for 30 years. He was my best friend ..my soul mate…my everything……the loss and sadness I feel is excruciating…
We have 4 children…(adults) and granddaughter all incredibly close and a massive support. I have amazing friends and family ….. however the tiredness I feel is awful. I have stopped venturing out….my diet isn’t good and my interests have just disappeared…I returned to my job as a social worker but my interest and passion hasn’t returned with me.
I think I am going to have to push myself to take little steps to try and reconnect with life… .but I just find everything so incredibly hard and just want to cwtch under a blanket
Ken Drewary May 15, 2019 at 2:37 am
This is how I feel, Just do not want to do anything at the moment. My dad died a month ago and I never thought I would feel like this. I don`t even want to talk to people at work, except one collegue who has put herself out for my benefit, a real gem of a lady. I will just have to try and be patient, not rush things, but others think I am just being an idiot.
Jen April 24, 2019 at 2:54 am
Thank you for this post. My husband passed away in March. So many things that I used to enjoy just feel lack- luster and meaningless. I’ve been so blessed to have the support of family, friends, church, etc., but there are so many times when I feel as if I can’t participate in certain activities anymore because they feel so different.
Felicity April 13, 2019 at 1:03 pm
Good to read some of this. I’m struggling. Just getting through each day. Can’t get used to being alone. My husband died 4 years ago. 46 years in love, 45 married. 3 children who live far away. 2 grandchildren. I thought my life was over but I met Widower. Within a year we were best friends and companions and we healed each other and fell in love!!! We did SO much together. He was an ideas man. He died last Armistice day. I nursed my husband on and off, depending on how well he felt, for 8 years and wouldn’t have had it any other way. He died in my loving arms at home with the children at the foot of the bed. He was an Ordained Clergyman. The biggest surprise of my life was my second man and I loved and nursed him for his last 3 months at the family’s request. I wouldn’t have had it any other way. However, when he was dying in hospital and asking for me I was given my 10 min slot to say goodbye and then asked to leave. He died 3 days later. Since the funeral in their grief some of the children, who were so friendly when he was alive, have cut off from me. I pray for them but it makes me even more sad. I will be here for them if they ever change their minds. I make efforts to see friends and family and I go to Church. Everyone is so kind BUT I am still alone most of the time. That’s hard I now know. There’s only so much art and craft I feel like doing. I’m comfort eating and gaining weight! Not pleased. This beautiful weather is making me hide away and I’m avoiding the garden room and garden because it’s all reminding me so much of my second recent love and all the amazing things we did, holidays too we had and with weather like this he would say, pack your bag, we’re off on an adventure! I desperately want to find a purpose for going on, something I can do to be useful, give my life some meaning, find a cause that needs me and can become my focus. Family and friends need me but I need to find something to give me that buzz for living again. I feel I’m just marking time till I can be with my loves again. There doesn’t seem much point to anything.
Sentil Ravichandran April 12, 2019 at 1:48 am
I lost my lovable wife and it’s been a month and still I cant stop crying and thinking about my precious wife. I’ve got a kid who is 5 and I can’t even imagine what is going to happen and I feel both me and son should join my wife at the earliest.
Mariel April 20, 2019 at 5:42 am
Sentil… the feelings and thoughts of dying to reunite with your wife who passed away, are almost universal during grieving. Please, email me to continue the conversation at firstname.lastname@example.org
R March 28, 2019 at 4:01 pm
Ive just lost my dad and i am hurting so bad people say it will get better as time goes on but i cant imagine me enjoying life ever again
aloysius alvin March 8, 2019 at 12:25 am
i lost my first chid,my lovely son, my hero, my unconditional love, exactly 4 months ago, he just 5 days old. now my life, and my wife live is not the same anymore, yes i still work because i have a family to feed, but theres no joy at anything, if i dont drink, i cant sleep, i dont have the courage to meet my best friend who is pregnant or have a little child, i feel the world is just fucking unfair, i feel betrayed, i blame my self, i lost all my faith to god, i lost my dream, i lost my apetite to life, now i just “crawl”, im really tired, sometimes i just want to die too, but i never think about killing my self, because its gonna hurt my wife and my family even greater, i dont know who to talk to.., yes i have friends and family, and yes i tell them how i feel, but what can they say??, im so tired, i lost my dream, i dont know what to do, im so fucking tired, please help me, i felt really alone
Daniel Cyr March 8, 2019 at 7:21 am
you can get thru the initial shock and pain . You have to other people need you . I know i lost my wife 3 years ago . I was a feeling lower than ever unable to function for the first 30 days . I read alot about grief and really tried to get a handle on it but it is very difficult. What i found was the raw emotions and thoughts have to run there course. Cry as much as you want let it out . All the feelings you have go with the grief and loss . I can tell you with time you will be able to get back to some new level of normal but you will still have bad days . I guess I am just trying to tell you to hang in there . So Sorry for your loss . The grief just sucks plain and simple . Time is the real factor as it goes on you can cope better with the situation. Seek counseling if you feel it will help.
Toni-Ann January 15, 2019 at 10:09 am
My older brother went missing two days after his birthday and i was one of the persons who found his body two days after that. I wake up everyday feeling more and more empty, and as though my life no longer has any meaning. I tried to help my parents and other older sibling to cope with it, however I myself do not know what coping means to me. I had many opportunities to take my own life but then my family, who is already on the edge of breaking, would snap and I do not think they should have to go through any more pain. I get very scared these days because my memories of him are fading and the sometimes I can not even remember what he looks like. I try to talk to someone whenever I feel like I’m at my limit but even that is hard because he was the person in my life that I would go to at times like this. I do not know what to do with my life anymore, all my dreams and aspirations are disappearing one after the other.
Mary January 18, 2019 at 9:56 pm
How long ago did your brother die? My son died in a car crash on dec 27 just 3 weeks and one day ago. He was my freind as well as my son. I loved him dearly and I don’t want to do anything, the pain is so deep. I have been trying to be positive in between my bouts of crying. But I am all used up, my son had been with me all of my adult life.
Unknown February 3, 2019 at 11:37 am
God love’s you brother God love’s you. Trust me when I tell you this that He does. He really does.
Urvashi January 7, 2019 at 12:02 am
Feb 4 2018 my 39 yrs old brother drowned at pretty beach canberra.i was informed via a call from my cousin.i felt numb flew down from uae to melbourne within 4 days he was buried.its been 11 mths i cant find anything to love anymore cant listen to music miss him all the time we were best of friends i had so many hopes for him he left without a goodbye.how do i get normal.everyone around me just says stop thinking of him and life will be ok.
JK April 29, 2019 at 1:37 am
I am so sorry for your loss. Don’t stop thinking about him, why would you? Your brother was your heart, your soul and your friend. He should be remembered by you always as the lovely human I’m sure he was. Accept how you feel cry, scream and do what you need to heal. Each day do something that will help you heal, even if it doesn’t feel comfortable at the time you will be happy that you did. I have lost people I love and it’s hard, but forgetting them doesn’t help. Remembering them and allowing yourself time to mourn and feel that extreme emptyis the only through the pain.
Gail Hall December 21, 2018 at 2:10 pm
January 28 I lost my Mom to lung cancer it was fast but brutal. She was my best friend and I miss her more than words. Three weeks later my Grandmother passed away it has been a hard long year. On October 26 I had to put my beloved dog Swat down he was 12.5 years old I am so devastated about all that had happened all year. I am not looking forward to waking up every day or even Christmas which is my favorite holiday. It took me so much just to put up the decorations
Jolene robinson December 15, 2018 at 1:23 pm
I lost my wife 18 months ago and I am still devastated. I cannot seem to find happiness in any social situation without her. Yet this is crazy too, because for 3 years before she died she was bedridden. We became socially isolated and she became very unwell, constantly vomiting and faint with exhaustion. She had cancer and absolutely refused any treatment. I found her choice not have treatment slightly selfish ………I know it is everyone’s personal decision and you cannot argue with that but I wish she had shared with me her reasons for her decision. It left me feeling that in some ways she deliberately chose this path to get away from me. Outside of this work life took a nose dive. My employer changed their top management. The guys I had reported to were compassionate and gave me time off for recovery. The new regime waited till I was back and fired me.
I really am just tired and depressed all the time and find zero joy in living. I have some friends who are kind in their own way but I totally mourn the loss of conversation with someone I was close to. Someone who cared for me and had shared experiences. I cannot see myself getting back into any social situations any time soon. I just could not cope with effort ….it takes all my energy to go to work.
widow October 7, 2018 at 9:49 pm
just do the shalat, that’s all you need, but in times of monthly period you can’t do shalat, just do zikr.
Cindy Robertson June 25, 2018 at 11:43 am
My husband, my best friend & love of my life, died 3 1/2 months ago. I can’t seem to get into a routine, can’t get anything done. Most days I just sit & watch TV or play computer games. If I start something, like cleaning the house, painting furniture, etc, I start but don’t finish. I cannot get motivated to do much or get into any kind of routine. Im an introvert so it’s hard for me anyway, even before he passed. I have grandchildren I dearly love but find myself avoiding them too, which breaks my heart. I just feel so unsettled, restless. I also have his remains & memorial money I dont know what to to with. I cannot make any decisions.
Teresa Keogh March 26, 2019 at 3:16 pm
I know exactly how you feel I do the same as you. My Husband died 6 Months ago I can’t forgive him for leaving me. It was so sudden. My Son was getting Married on the Sunday the Tuesday before my Husband went to try on his suit for the wedding and get any last minute things, in the early hours of Wednesday morning he was dead. he got buried on the Friday the wedding went ahead on the Sunday and I remember none of it. Just left is shock every day as to how I ended up alone. Yes I have children and grandchildren who mean the world to me but also have their own familys and their own grief to deal with, and I have no wish to burden them. I have lost all interest in life I am lost, lonely, and mad that this happened. Where I was alway active I now spend my days not talking and sitting in a chair wishing this life won’t go on for much longer.
Beth April 26, 2017 at 5:15 pm
It’s seven years since I lost my baby during pregnancy. Before losing the baby i had been doing courses on creative writing and was trying to sell stories to magazines. A few months after losing my baby i got a story published! I was paid and everything!!!!
…. but i didn’t care. I didn’t have my baby. All else paled into insignificance.
It still hurts now tbh. I remember thinking ‘this is what i wanted why can’t i feel proud?’.
I don’t think I’ll ever go back to writing. My life has gone in different directions now. But it’s just another tiny loss in the face of that one enormous loss.
(Enormous doesn’t cover it, but i guess no words ever can.)
Susan April 25, 2017 at 12:18 pm
Thank you for an excellent and timely post. My husband died a little over seven months ago after a tough and extended battle with cancer (I was his primary caregiver). I was numb and like others, found just going to work and getting the basics done around the house were all I could handle for the first couple of months. Empty as I felt, I realized that I was now missing activities we had enjoyed pre-cancer, but wasn’t sure I could handle them. So I forced myself to commit to a single event for a single time – going to a football game – and it went OK. So, I boldly added another activity we enjoyed – a music event – and while it was a little tough, I made it through. At this point, I am intentionally scheduling myself for activities we enjoyed plus things I really used to enjoy doing on my own that I gave up when he got sick and even have tried a couple new things. It’s definitely tough sometimes, but I can’t affirm enough your advice to take small steps to getting back to doing things. It has lifted my overall mood immensely. It doesn’t mean I still don’t ache with grief some days, but now that my “new normal” is starting to take shape, it’s given me purpose and best of all, the opportunity to appreciate the life I have to live, even as I continue to mourn the life that was lost.
Janet Roche December 16, 2018 at 6:16 pm
Your letter gives me hope my husband 11 weeks ago I miss him so much..
Elsie April 8, 2016 at 6:15 am
I have struggled the will to engage in life without a sense of peace since I was raised by a narcissistic mother. The after effects of losses as my parents marriage fell apart, my father openly admitting he was gay, my mother made multiple serious suicide attempts. I triumphed by at least getting married and having a beautiful daughter. However my husband and next relationships were also replications and I discovered the awfulness of repeating patterns unconsciously. Until my oldest sibling, my brother died at 52 from acute illness. The weeks before he died, my father was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and my sister is agoraphobic and while both alive I can’t bear to visit either now. I took care of people including my own patients until last year when the person I had found strength in died; she had been the last remaining relative whom I loved. My daughter is now away for graduate school and I treasure knowing she’s in the world. So I have great admiration for those of you who lost a child. I don’t believe in recovery, life changes us and as many have said, it is only in moments that I can notice my strength or how much opportunity I’ve had that I couldn’t make the most of. That’s tragic as we all have fate mixed into this.,I do believe that seeing myself as someone who can still give to the world or maybe even get closer again to others may be possible. I am so thankful I’ve learned what grief is, I thought it was just me. I also studied trauma theory in depth and now I can only read this site. I’m thankful I found it.
Avoidance is a hateful defense,It has robbed me of many days and joys I’m sure. But multiple losses or just one tremendous one, doesn’t make a difference. Knowing you absolutely must function and doing what this post discussed builds self worth a tiny bit at a time. I had made many gains so I know it works to be in the world as best you can.
I do know my life history and current alone state frightens others. i have to pretend and work hard to be at peace with myself. No one can do more but I wish for more every day. Wishing doesn’t make anything happen. I’m craving family and have done so for a lifetime. What’s under my nose Is what I need to tend to. We’ve lost our loves or in my case I wasn’t loved, I was utilized or adored or batted around; for another persons needs.
I grieve for all of us who know we have had joys taken away, interestingly I’m glad I know what I need to do. So please keep up the wisdom here. I have been helped by every entry.
gloria April 4, 2016 at 10:19 pm
The posts I find the hardest to read are probably the ones I need to read the most. I think we need to pushed, a little, or we may remain stuck in a horrible hole. & who knows, we may or may not remain there. Some days, some minutes I think I will, how does one survive the loss of a child, your life, your love, how will I???? I just don’t know??? So I read these posts, and try to get some positive from them. And there is always something, you just have to look. Thank you Litsa & Eleanor for going where it is so hard to go to for us who are suffering from loss. I am grateful for all of these posts and this site and for all the comments. We all are where we are. Just trying to survive the horror of losing those we have loved so much.
Suzy April 5, 2016 at 4:07 pm
I too lost a child…my son and there are days when I feel i will never be happy again and then today I got googled grief support groups and grief therapists
I am going for an assessment tomorrow at grief support center near my house…all run by trained volunteers. They have groups and one on one help to process this grief. I have hope that I can get through this…as the article said, just a small action can help and all I did was google and pick up the phone
Suzy April 5, 2016 at 4:09 pm
Oh, and there will be no cost…I have never heard of this place since I have never needed it…
gloria April 5, 2016 at 4:18 pm
I have been going to Compassionate Friends and seeing a therapist. Along with reading WYG, parent loss Facebook pages, reading grief books and talking with supportive friends. Even with doing all the “right things”, I am still suffering, and know I will, on some level, for the rest of my life. I lost my Laura in June, 2015. Learning to live this new life, without her, will be a lifelong journey. But who does know what small action can make a difference?? I feel any small joy I find, gives me energy to continue when they pain is too bad. One day, one minute at a time.
alice morgan simmonds April 2, 2016 at 2:19 am
This post kind of bugged me. Implied is there is a right way to go about reintegrating into the outside world after a major loss. We are all so different and I tend to be more introverted. If I had forced myself into activities, social things before I was ready, and felt even worse about myself, with some of the implied things in this article. I.e, my retreat is not ‘ normal’, I am wasting opportunities, the class is better than the sofa, I would have been even more depressed. I think grief has it’s natural course in each of us it is a very individual process. I could not do anything much the first year after my husband died suddenly, social activity, classes, etc, were very stressful and if I had pushed myself, I do not believe it would have been self loving or self respecting. I took my time, and believe me, got some flack about it, but I trusted my needs and my process. It’s been 2 years now and I am very active, engaged, enjoying life and my body is well and whole. It takes time and I question anything that seems to push an agenda. Sorry, I know this article was meant with good intentions, it just seems a bit one sided and doesn’t consider the interior wisdom that lives in each one of us. Let the process of healing take time is my advice. Grief is a season and we need to wait while things heal, going underground is natural, in my world.
Litsa April 4, 2016 at 4:15 pm
Sorry this is how this post read to you, because that feeling that bugged you is something that bugs us a lot and we do our best to try to be clear that we definitely don’t think there is a ‘right’ way to deal with grief! Eleanor wrote this post and, as you probably know if you have followed us for a while, she is defitinely an introvert and shares a lot of the experiences you describe. Though I am more of an extrovert, we both tend not to be “joiners” so we usually try to have a range of coping ideas that are specifically about doing things that aren’t all about being social, joining, etc. Part of the reason that we do share posts like this one now and again is also because we are not always the best at getting our of our own way. There is so much value in trusting our guts and our own grief process, but many people (me being one of them) are our own worst enemy. Sometimes we start to push ourselves in the time and way we need it. And sometimes we don’t – we let the healthy isolation turn into unhealthy isolation, or we get stuck in a pattern and allow ourselves to stay stuck by feeling entitled to be stuck- I am the queen of that, in fact! :). This post doesn’t push much – walking the dog, getting a haircut, listening to music, cooking dinner once in a while. It is pushing little small things, not big social things. But it does push a little because, in all honesty, we believe that sometimes you need a push. Some are lucky enough to have their grief progress in a positive way through time and their process, some aren’t and it takes a bit more conscious effort. It isn’t that any things are the ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ things to be doing, it is that sometimes we need to raise our conscious awareness of what we are doing. Thanks so much for taking the time to comment – I am sure you spoke what others also may feel reading this post, and we hate the idea of people feeling that. If you haven’t read these posts, you might find they resonate a bit more with your experience.
Diane April 2, 2016 at 1:05 am
Excellent article. Thank you
Vanessa April 1, 2016 at 11:40 am
i also didn’t post a video 🙂
Vanessa April 1, 2016 at 11:39 am
this came at such a great time for me. i am still grieving my parents sudden, unexpected deaths. it’s been 6 months for Mom, 5 months for Dad so i’m still new at this lol. early on & i realize it’s still early on for me but i was really good at forcing myself to go out when i needed to. there were some days where i wasn’t going anywhere and i accepted that. i’ve found myself slipping back into that pattern over the last month where i am rushing to come home & stay home. i avoided church this Easter because that just reminded me of Mom. we grew up in church, my Mom was a big part of the church we went to so Easter, shopping for Easter clothes & what not brings back so many great memories. i didn’t want to fall apart in church so I made sure I stayed far away on Easter Sunday lol. i stayed home & i was fine with that, it was too soon for me. again though even i am realizing that I’ve fallen back into my pattern of avoidance & doing nothing so thank you again for a timely podcast & blog. i shared it with my sisters & my niece
Tammy S April 13, 2016 at 9:43 am
I too feel your pain. My dad died suddenly in September and my mom 4 1/2 months later ( I say of a broken heart). Easter was also so hard for me as I too grew up in church. My dad sang in the choir all my life. Three days of hearing them again for the first time since his funeral was so hard. ( I’ve avoided the mass they sing at and attend another time.) I still can’t look at the choir or his empty seat! Good Friday my daughter, my sister and I sobbed our way through mass. And following Holy Saturday service I broke down into the arms of a long time family friend. Church is so hard, but I know I need to be there. And I know my parents are with me there as they always have been ( still hard). I’m struggling too with everyday life, the reality of being coexecutor of their estate and my grief. I’ve found a great grief counselor who is helping me on this journey along with close friends. I pray you too may find someone to help you on this journey. It was a friend who sent me a copy of one of the article posted on holiday grief that I found this site and you! My best friend who’s parents died 5 days apart encourages me with taking baby steps on this journey we both now travel. Another also told me ” to give time…time”. So I have hope to come out on the other side of my grief. Will I be the same, no. But I’ll come through it.
Vanessa April 17, 2016 at 1:14 am
I’m sad that we are in this club that I didn’t sign up for. It helps knowing there are others in my situation but also makes me sad that we have this in common. I have yet to step foot in church since their deaths. I fall apart sometimes walking past any church lol. I’m exercising more & it’s helping me feel less depressed plus no one told me about the grieving 20! I’m working on losing some of this grief weight. Day by day is all we can do
Eleanor April 1, 2016 at 9:10 am
So….now that the video this has happened twice it makes me think we’ve cause an internet bug of some sort! We’ll look into this!
Jane Donohue April 1, 2016 at 7:58 am
I did not post these videos in my comment
Jane Donohue April 1, 2016 at 7:57 am
Terrific website and podcast- thanks so much. My 24 year old son died 6 years ago as a result of an unnecessary accident. What I have found is the need to “reconnect with life” countless times over, finding the things that work sometimes- a dog, the gym, the right people, gratitude journal, etc. It is not a linear experience. My ultimate goal is to make the remaining time I have as good as I can, but this is the challenge of my lifetime. When other stressors occur, not just the grief, it makes it much harder to deal. Again- many thanks for your work.
Corrina Shilling March 31, 2016 at 6:47 pm
Hello I’m not sure how the video above attached to my message, it has nothing to do with me Corrina
Corrina Shilling March 31, 2016 at 6:33 pm
Hello Eleanor, I’ve only just started to subscribe to your very helpful site. Your message today is so helpful to me. My 21 year old son was in an accident 8 weeks ago and tragically died. Your message reminded me that I’m actually doing too much and need to relax and it’s ok not to do everything. I know it’s small steps, im trying to fit 100 in a day, working, going to gym, baking, walking with friends, chatting on the phone, that’s just in one day, no wonder by Friday im burnt out! Today I’ll meditate. Thank you Corrina
Suzy April 4, 2016 at 2:29 pm
A great meditation online is the Oprah/Deepak 21 day meditation
Julie March 31, 2016 at 6:26 pm
Aww this is such a good post, thank you for putting into words how I so felt in the first few weeks/months after my dear Mum died. I did hide away to start with, I just couldn’t handle social situations, but I worked out what worked for me, what I felt comfortable with, and seeing people individually is what felt OK, and explaining to people what I needed helped too. And simplifying my day to schedule in small achievable activities, walking a dog was one of the most valuable and healing things I did, it made me get out, gave me some gentle exercise, be in the fresh air, be in the world, even if it was in my own grief bubble. If you haven’t got a dog maybe walk a neighbours dog or a friends, dogs are the best medicine for sadness. It’s been a few months now since I lost my Mum and things are starting to feel a bit more meaningful, I am starting to find joy in things again, this is so healing and so reassuring and reading What’s Your Grief posts everyday has been a huge help too, thank you guys xx
Lisa VonLuehrte April 29, 2019 at 1:44 pm
Julie, I’d love to connect and talk with you about your healing process.
DavesWidow March 31, 2016 at 3:34 pm
Sounds good in print. Not happening in real life. Just trying to keep breathing, doing my job at work, raising my son, and counting the hours til I’m done.
Eleanor March 31, 2016 at 3:54 pm
I hear you. We know that sometimes it’s just a matter of making it through the day. I hope that in time you are able to find a little space for self-care and coping. As a widow and a mom you really really deserve it.
Hang in there 🙂
Raymond November 4, 2016 at 11:31 am
Yep, I (we) made a plan, that didn’t turn out so well. Not inclined to start making plans again.
peter September 16, 2019 at 1:02 pm
I feel the same way. How are you doing now?