A Mother’s Chorus: Grieving a Child on Mother’s Day

A few days ago, we reached out to our readers and asked for their help writing a post in anticipation of Mother’s Day.  Specifically, we asked mothers grieving the death of a child to share one thing they want people to know about their grief on Mother’s Day. Our intent was to create a list of responses.

We received comments and messages from close to one hundred different women. Although their collective wisdom is the result of a diverse range of experiences, there is a synchronicity to their words that made us feel they belonged together in one cohesive whole.

So, instead of presenting you with a choppy and disjointed list, we’ve taken many of the responses we received and put them together in a letter. This letter is not written by one bereaved mother, but an entire chorus of mothers. Their words are not at all the same, but their message blends together to create a mournful, harmonious, and beautiful song.

We tried our best to provide the glue that holds these words together, but we probably have not done the collective conversation justice. Especially because we’ve received many new responses in the time it took us to post this letter. If you’d like to read the actual responses or personally engage in the ongoing conversation, head to our Facebook page and/or our Instagram feed.


Dear Friend,

I miss my child every day. This grief of mine will never leave me, and honestly, why should it? I love my child more than I ever could have imagined, and yes, I do mean present tense “love”.  It is excruciating knowing that my child will never return to my arms. However, a mother’s love for her child doesn’t require physical presence; this can be proven by the fact that most mothers love their children well before they are even born.  I will love my child forever, and therefore, I will grieve my child forever. This is just how it goes.

I know it’s difficult for some people to understand my ongoing grief, I guess because they want me to “get better” or return to “normal.” However, I actually am normal. I’m just different now. I believe those who say they want to support me on difficult days like Mother’s Day, but part of this is accepting me as a grieving mother who will always love her deceased child. Again, this is just how it goes.

My grief is like the weather. Somedays it’s calm, quiet, maybe even a little sunny. Other days it’s a devastating storm that makes me feel angry, exhausted, raw, and empty. I wake up in the morning and wonder – “Am I even alive at all?  And if so, how am I supposed to make it through this day?”  This is why when you ask me how I feel about Mother’s Day, all I can say that it depends.  Of course, I’m going to try my best to cope with the day, but while you’re hoping that your Mother’s Day picnic doesn’t get spoiled by actual rain, I’ll be praying that the grief storms stay at bay.  

Like many things in a grieving mother’s life, Mother’s Day is bittersweet to the nth degree. On the one hand, I feel immense joy because I was blessed with my child and I feel gratitude for every moment I was given with them.  On the other hand, the pain of missing my child – my greatest happiness, my life’s purpose, and my best friend – is intense.

Bereaved mothers live with so many of these confusing contrasts. They are like undercurrents that tug at and toss about our hearts and minds.  I am a mother to a child who is not alive. Perhaps a child who you’ve never met. You can’t ask me about their school year, or how they’re liking piano lessons, or whether they’ve chosen a major in college. In my mind, I’ve imagined my child doing all these things. People don’t realize that I grieve each of my child’s milestones, knowing they didn’t get the opportunity to experience these special days. 

Most people don’t know how to validate my child’s place in the world or my ongoing role as my child’s mother. This is a difficult concept for others to grasp. Heck, sometimes even I grapple with the answers to questions like “Do you have children?” and “How many?.”  I know many bereaved mothers, like me, long for these questions to have straightforward answers.

Sadly, mothers who have experienced the death of their only child may even wonder whether they get to call themselves a mother at all in broader society. So, in addition to the pain of grief, these mothers have to cope with a sense of being left out, forgotten, and ignored.  Can you imagine how that might feel?  I think it must be like being stabbed through the heart and when you turn to others for help they say “What blood?” “What knife?”  

Then, for mothers who have surviving children, there is this gem of a comment – “Don’t forget, you’re lucky to have other children.” Please let me assure you, a mother does not forget any of her children. This mother loves each and every one of her unique and special children in unique and special ways, but one of her children has died and so her love for this child looks like a little untraditional. Mothers do not have a finite amount of love to be shifted, divided, and spread around depending on the number of children they have on this Earth.  So please be careful with your comments, because it’s difficult enough for grieving mothers who often feel torn between feeling joy and happiness for their living children and grief for the child who has died.

All that said, you asked me what it’s like to grieve a child on Mother’s Day, so here’s what I have to say:

This day will forever be hard for me. I live with an emptiness that no one can fill; so I may be sad, I may be unsociable, and I may need to take a break to be by myself in a quiet place. Whatever shape my grief takes on this day, please allow me to feel the way I feel and please follow my lead.

Beyond that, acknowledge me as a mother. It makes me feel forgotten and as though my child has been forgotten when people act as though my child never existed. Also, I can sense that people feel uncomfortable talking about my child and I constantly feel like the elephant in the room, but it doesn’t have to be this way. Honestly, I find it really comforting when someone talks about my child. I love hearing their name spoken out loud!  I love hearing stories about them. Maybe you know a story I’ve never heard, or maybe I’ve heard it a hundred times before, but it really doesn’t matter to me.  Your acknowledgment alone is one of the greatest Mother’s Day gifts you could give me.

I guess while I’m offering my two cents, I also have something to say to bereaved mothers.  No one has it all figured out, but I’ve learned a few lessons along the way.  If you’re worried about Mother’s Day, you’re not alone.  Try not to get overwhelmed or wrapped up in anxiety.  You may actually find that the anticipation of the day is worse than the day itself.  You may want to plan a whole day of activities just to stay busy, or you may feel like doing nothing at all.  There is no “right” way to handle Mother’s Day – but do try to plan ahead a little. You may want to reach out to others who are struggling with the day and, if you can, it always helps to face the day with people who love and support you.

Whatever you do, believe you will make it through the day. With time, the grief storms will grow smaller and less frequent and you will find a little more balance and room to breathe.  Believe you will be okay and have hope that in the future you will find yourself in a place where you can grieve and celebrate on Mother’s Day all at the same time.

Let’s take care of each other,

M


Thank you to all the women who offered their honest and genuine words of wisdom. Our hearts go out to all those grieving on Mother’s Day.  We’re here.  

May 25, 2017

84 responses on "A Mother's Chorus: Grieving a Child on Mother's Day"

  1. What a beautiful compilation of the hearts of hurting mommas. I just survived my first Mother’s Day since losing my little girl. The first Mother’s Day I celebrated, a year prior, I celebrated knowing I was only a few weeks away from saying goodbye to my little girl. Mother’s Day will always be difficult. Learning to find beauty in the pain is so difficult; but it is possible.

  2. Three years ago today my sweet, loving daughter died. It feels like an eternity has passed but the pain never leaves. I love talking about her and when people ask about my children I still say I have three because I do, one just lives in my heart.

  3. Hi I’m a mother of a daughter who recently passed around the beginning of May this year. She was 30 years old and left behind her beautiful 3 year old daughter. She died of complications from her Crohn’s disease. She was one month away from getting her associates degree. We take care of our granddaughter. I miss her so much. I always tell people to love their children and give them hugs. I wish I could hug her again and let her know she’s so loved. Thanks

  4. Really well done, well expressed. I hate Mother’s Day. Such a stupid holiday. Thankfully, my church doesn’t do that awful practice of having the mother with the most children, the newest, the oldest, etc. stand up. I couldn’t bear it if they did. I once visited a church on Mother’s Day where they gave out carnations to mothers. Nobody there knew my son. They didn’t know that I was a mother. I didn’t get a flower. Mostly, I try to hide away on Mother’s Day. Besides the actual day being hard, Mother’s Day is also the start of hard summer of grief: graduations (this year he should have graduated from college), his birthday, his anniversary, the start of the new school year … I constantly have a scream in my throat, but it never comes out.

  5. Thank you for posting this. I lost my only son Matthew to cancer on 6/12/09 after a one year journey of suffering and pain. Very difficult to watch your child go through this and suffer. I still am grieving my loss and the pain is absolutely insurmountable. I have found that I too have changed as a person. I’m very depressed, anti social and no longer enjoy doing things I did before. Those who have not gone through this do not understand and have no clue of what people who have been through this deal with every day. I am fortunate I have a daughter, but this is not something that will ever go away. I liken it to a prison that you are in for the rest of your life. You cannot get away from it. Everyone has their own way of dealing with it. What I found was the first 4 years I spent a lot of time trying to “get over it”. You will never get over it, you have to learn to live with it. I am still searching for a way to do this. I have a lot of faith in God and I hope one day to somehow come to better acceptance of this and also realize life is not fair.

  6. Someone finally described the pain of losing a child accurately. It is like getting hit by a train and living to feel the pain. I lost my sweet daughter to breast cancer on September 9, 2012 and the pain is like none I’ve ever known. My life is forever changed because on Mother’s Day and every other day of the year I am no longer a mother.

  7. I lost my beautiful 26 year old daughter last year to a heroin overdose. She was smart, caring, a good mother to her baby, but she just couldn’t shake the emotional pain & ended up using after being clean for a long time. I will never forget the horror of that Friday afternoon phone call from the coroner, telling me that she was dead. I wasn’t even able to view her body, as she had been dead for quite a few hours & her face was black. I cry every day for her loss! Yes, I have 3 younger children who I love greatly, but she was my oldest, and the mother of my grandchild. My faith has sustained me over the past 7 mos, and even though I know that she is in a much better place, I still MISS HER WITH ALL OF MY BEING!!!!

  8. What about a mother who has lost more than one child? Gave birth to four sons. The youngest died when he was 31…….,his brother died 20 years later at 51. No way can you explain the loss…hurt….pain…loneliness…..of losing more than one child.

  9. I can so relate to so many and i keep asking why why why,,,i lost my son on April 6th 2017 so young and had so much to live for,,,and this Mother’s Day was also my Birthday and i missed him so much like everyday,,,I still can’t believe it…im missing a big part of myself and my heart will forever have the crack in it….

  10. I lost my son to AML Leukemia At 41 years old April 13 2017! Derek leaves his wife , a son cole at 11yrs, and a daighter Kallie at 9 years!
    Derek Had been fighting MSD which is a bone marrow failure since Sept 2014, Then April 25th 2015 he got a stem Cell Transplant and enjoyed a good life until Sept 2017. Then he suffered a relapse and died holding my hand and looking at me ( I’m his Mother)! That was so peaceful the actual Death. The last two days were very upsetting to watch him literly bleeding to death! This was not my first Death to Cancer Derek’s Dad Died at 34 years old with Bone Marrow Cancer also! April 2 1988 , Derek was 12 years old and his Sister was 14 years old! The day before Mothers Day this year, i was just so wanting to get a message on Mothers day or a sign from Derek!
    I have one Daughter 43! Her Daughter Breanne Had her Mother & Charlie and I ,up to celebrate a early Mothers Day with supper and a awesome visit!
    My Daughter wrote me a lovely letter about how i showed my Love and helped care for Derek as he wanted to die at home! I Never slept the night before Mothers Day. Mothers Day i spent in bed till late afternoon then got up and went out for supper with my husband. My two stepdaughters Tracy called me and my other Step Daughter came over for a visit ! My Step Grandson called and 2 days earlier had brought me a Ultrasound picture, showing his Girlfriend is pregnant! So that was good news. So i got through Mothers Day 2017 Thank God!!

  11. I cannot imagine the pain people who have lost children are going thru. I had a miscarriage at about 8 weeks, of my second child who would have been born near my daughter’s first birthday in 1970. I hadn’t even felt her move yet, and did not feel that I had bonded with her. But her father never mentioned it EVER after I came home from the hospital, and we divorced a few years later. I have thought that parents who have lost children might be called Kidows for Mothers and Kidowers for Fathers, in the same way women who have lost a spouse are called Widows and men Widowers…or perhaps Kidows if a female child was lost/Kidowers for the loss of a male child. I doubt it would catch on, though…

    • That’s the best suggestion I’ve heard for a word to describe a mother who lost a child, I like it. I lost my only child, my son, when he was 14 years old. I think of him every day often, I always will.

    • I also like that idea of using Kidow and Kidowers. I lost my one & only unborn baby in September 2017. His/her due date would have been May 22 or 23, 2017. I’m almost 42 and I may never be able to have a biological or adopt a child. I’m heartbroken but I’m realizing gradually through God’s help that I am now healthier physically, emotionally, mentally, & spiritually than I have ever been in my entire life! I was sick with so many different diagnoses for so long & I forced myself to get healthier in order to hopefully became a mom in any way, shape, or form! I eased off medications that I now know we’re hurting me more than they were helping me! I got off of those meds to protect my unborn baby. After I lost my baby, I began to suffer severe multiple withdrawal symptoms from getting of my meds. I started the Whole30 diet in early February and have lost 37 lbs! God is using my pain & my struggles to answer my prayers for a better life & hope for the future whatever that might be! I will grieve the loss of my baby until I die but my unborn baby helped save my life because I cared more about protecting his/her health than my own! And now my health is so much better because those meds made me feel dead inside for so many years!!! I hope to see my baby in Heaven one day!!! I now set my hopes on things above, not on earthly things. Colossians 3:2
      God is healing my heart, giving me peace & joy & hope that I had lost! He is giving me what I NEED rather than what I want. I believe God does not cause our loved ones to die. He cares more for us than we can even begin to fathom. My prayer life has changed. I pray that God will use my pain & my struggles & my grief to help others see him! Just as so many of my friends & family have shared their pain with me and have helped me to heal. This site also helped me so much!!! And I know many people suffer way more than I have but God knows our hearts & our pain & he gave his own son (Jesus) as a sacrifice so that we might be saved from our sins and have eternal life one day in heaven!
      Liana Joy 🙂

  12. I lost my strong proud handsome hard working son at age 34. He became depressed and chose drugs to soothe his anguish. He made the discussion the take his own life.
    Michael has been gone now for 14 years. The pain that gets a little less severe, never will leave me . When I least expect it the emotions whelm up and it’s like the first day all over again…
    Oh how I wish he were here to celebrate all the birthdays the reunions Mothers Day …all of it.
    I keep him in my heart and pray that I will see him again.

  13. Thank you for continuing to educate others about grief, especially child loss. You helped us through our journey, for which we are eternally grateful. To know that there are wonderful people working on helping others who have not experienced loss understand those who have is hope for the future! Thank you!

  14. i lost my youngest she was 45 from the horrible disease of drug addiction she had 3 children a son and 2 daughter we raised the girls her son was older today i spoke with her youngest daughter who hates mothers day and the loss of her mom she was 14 and it doesnt get easier for her and it doesnt get any easier for me watching this child i love grieve the child i loved bless all who get this because you never get over losing a child regardless of age or reason

  15. After my son Joshua pass March 6th of 2016there were many post on my fb page about there being no title for parents that have lost a child/children. I started calling us “Fractured Parents” because that is how i feel. I am broke, I have a real fault line on my life now. I have lost loved ones to all kinds of death, how they died had a lot to do with how i felt, how long it took me to get back to life as i knew it, etc. Losing your child is a grief all its own, no matter how it happened. It stays like a gash across your face. I am a fractured parent. My boy is what used to be in that crack.

    • I feel there is no title because it’s NOT suppose to be this way! No parent should ever be in the position to bury his/her child. Sadly, so many of us have!

  16. I lost my 22 year old son Tyler 2/24/15. It is mind boggling and hard to process, it just dosn’t want to fit into your mind that is so overloaded with grief that processing it is just not possible and your heart is so saddened and heavy and the frustration of wanting it to not be….BUT IT IS….is maddening. I remember crying uncontrollably as they lifted the cold, clankey gurney into the coroner’s van and yelling over to him, “Tyler, just get up and get out of there…you don’t belong there. Just get up…get up…hurry. You’re supposed to be at work.” You know Damon well he can’t get up. You want something so simple to take place but he can’t. He won’t. He never will. There is a word, that is actually a question that is a very unfair question & I have come to hate. That word is “WHY” A lot of people put faith in God & that is good for them…but since Tyler died I am angered at God. I don’t understand how a supposed perfect being and don’t forget, one who knows the future as well, how he would test. then punish those not even guilty with such a horrible consequence. I’m not falling for the FREE WILL ANSWER either. He also sent his son to suffer and die the way he did…..nice. When my sons ashes were placed on my friends table, I looked at that box and knew at that very instant there is something very wrong in this universe when I am starring at my son in a box. I appreciated reading others posts because I could relate very closely to some of them, especially the woman who said every day is a little closer to being with your child again and she is no longer afraid of dying. WOW!!! THATS EXACTLY HOW I FEEL AND I HAD NO IDEA ANYONE ELSE FELT THAT. I used to be such a scary cat about dying. Not any more. Thank you if you made it THROUGH my long post. Tylers mother,Vivian on this extra sad day of days that are sad but you don’t let on because you just can’t burden every one all day every day.

    • Vivian, I lost my son Tyler on September 5th, 2016. He was 21 years old. He and a friend went out kayaking on Platte Bay and both capsized. Tyler’s friend was rescued from a fisherman but they were unable to find my boy. He has not been found still. I read your post and I feel your pain and anguish!!! I struggle with a lot of the same. So sorry for the loss of your sweet boy! Please take care and know that you are not alone!

    • Vivian,
      I’m so sorry for your loss. Let God, Our Father, help you in your struggle and grief. Give him a chance to wrap his arms around you in peace. Just ask him. I truly believe he will hear your heart. God bless you.

  17. I lost my youngest child Joeseph July 6, 2016. He hung himself with his service dogs leash in his garage. He suffered from manic depression for over 14 years. He was 34, married for the 11 years with 3 chilren (2 sons and a daughter). My heart just does not understand, but Ii still love and miss him. Many say we will never know WHY! Thats for the short understanding, it helps!

  18. My heart goes out to all the moms who have lost a child/or children. My daughter died from suicide in 2003 and my life has never been the same. I think of her and miss her every day. I am so fortunate to also have a wonderful son; cannot begin to say what comfort this is. I loved the letter above – “… the ongoing grief…” “… grief like the weather…” — just so true. Thanks for this amazing site.

  19. I have miscarried three times. The agony of it is excruciating. I sometimes feel like society tells me I don’t need to grieve because they were not babies that I held and that I should put those pregnancies out of my mind because I managed to carry one to full term and have a living daughter who needs my attention. According to all the doctors, I shouldn’t even have been able to have her so I know I have been blessed with a miracle. But it’s not knowing about those other little lives and all their potential that is just gone that keeps me up at night and breaks me inside. I smile and focus on my marriage, my daughter, my family and my career, but it’s all a veneer and I fear the day that it cracks and the hollowness I feel inside spills out for everyone to see.

    • I hear you! I lost one child who was 17 months old, and had a miscarriage after that… I think that the miscarriage was just as hard as the loss of the child that I held… and in some ways it was worse because I never even got to know if the second was a boy or a girl, I never got to hold him or her… There were just so many broken dreams. Both losses were hard and both were different. You are not alone.

    • Liana Joy (Nixon)May 16, 2017 at 1:02 amReply

      Dear Wendy,

      I agree! Please read my post above under someone else’s post. I posted it on May 15. HUGS!!! We should be able to mourn our unborn babies with no judgement from others who cannot understand our grief!
      Liana Joy

  20. This article is so true. I lost my 35 year old son suddenly on January 26 2017. This Mother’s Day brings a lot of sadness to me. I have 2 other children that I love a lot, but I feel my life will never be the same. The pain is so overwhelming sometimes I wonder if I can go on. I had a miscarriage years ago and never wanted to go through that pain again. And with this loss I am thinking back to that baby. I’m just so tired of being so sad, my son wouldn’t want that for me. It is my hope as the months and years go by that the pain will get better, I know it will with Gods help.

  21. Its been 3 months since my eldest took her life at 21 yrs old after struggling with mental illness for 6 yrs. I feel like a pice of me is missing and cannot be replaced and i feel imcomplete. I hold onto the fact that she is no longer suffering , out of pain and has been reunited with her twin brother who i lost when i was 14 weeks pregnant and with her other siblings who never got to breathe plus my sister who passed 11 yrs ago suddenly aged 23. The letter is so spot on and people dont understand and expect me to move on but i cant i need to hold on to her for as long as possible im scared that as time passes memories will fade.

  22. I do not run into other women who have lost children. This will be my 2nd Mother’s Day without my only daughter/child Jessica. She was 38 when she died from an overdose of alcohol & opiates. She was a brainy girl, a professional, well loved & beautiful. Folks had no idea how she struggled with addiction. I’m grateful I experienced motherhood. It’s taken me 20 months to realize I can still call myself a Mom even if I don’t have a child any longer. This has been a blessing to hear other moms express their grief. Hugs to all of you.

  23. I am the mother of a mother who loss her daughter. She was such a special child, and if you ever met her you would love her. I heart aches for my grand daughter, but also for my daughter. Don’t know if my daughter will ever realize this, but I pray one day she will. For my love of both of them, breaks and fills heart. Happy mother’s day.

  24. The exact bereavements are felt by alienated parents and grandparents inflicted by their adult children due to their own inabilities to resolve conflicts. We grieve our children everyday who are still alive.
    Death is overwhelming devastating and yet we will all experience that moment in our lives. It is not a choice for the deceased or those whom loved them.
    But estrangement is a choice, it is cruel, evil and without morals or integrity.

    • Ha, get the fuck over your petty bs. What an ass to post this the day before Mother’s Day. Perhaps they don’t come around bc clearly you are self absorbed, narrow minded, and lack any notion of empathy. Tomorrow, I’ll be at my son’s GRAVE so fuck off.

    • Ummm…you are an idiot. While I grieve the loss of my daughter, you can roll around the mud hole in which you live. very poor choice of words.

  25. I find Mother’s Day to be one of the most hateful day ever. I find it cruel when someone wishes me Happy Mother’s Day, I am not a mother. I was a mother for 32 years but that all stopped one August day 6 years ago. I will never have a Happy Mother’s Day and to say it to me is like stabbing me in the heart and expecting me to smile and say thank you, please break my heart some more.

  26. I lost my son almost 13 years ago he was 23 and had two small little girls 3 and almost 2 years old. It seems like only yesterday. We buried him on my mother’s 5th year anniversary of her death. I do have two other children and I love them with all my heart. The loss of a child is horrible. Time does get better they say. Holidays are still hard for me. Every Mother’s day from the time he was a tiny tot made me breakfast up until the day he passed. I still miss those breakfast no matter what it was. Mother’s Day is hard and some years it is better. We just never know what the day will bring for us.

  27. I lost my son on September 4th 2016. He was two days shy of being 8 months old. He was and still is my everything and always will be. Even though he only had 8 short months on this earth he touched SO many people’s lives. He saved me and I know that he has been my angel since day one. It still seems so unreal like a terrible nightmare that I’m never going to wake up from. I picture him sitting in the living room watching mickey or waking up to his adorable huge smile and his messy baby hair from sleeping on it. I miss EVERYTHING about him. I never truly felt heart break or even had the slightest clue of what it felt like until I lost him. A piece of my heart will always feel shattered and empty. I was so blessed each and every day to have him as long as I did. And I know he’s always watching over me, he’s always with me in everything I do and he’s showed me signs that he is. One day we will be together again forever… tomorrow is going to be extremely difficult as was his birthday Christmas and other holidays. I wonder if he’s walking now? Talking now? How many more teeth he has? If his eyes are still that same beautiful deep crystal blue or if they changed.. I have so many unanswered questions.. my hope is gone at times but the only thing to do is to push forward and to try to be the best person I can be. He’s always on my mind, always in my prayers and always in my heart… Mommy misses and loves you so much my sweet beautiful baby boy. Always and forever you will be my bear bear. You were too beautiful for this earth.

    • I do not know you and have never meet you but I do know is thst we share the same similar feelings. I could never get pregnant. My ex-husband and I tried but failed. He now has 2 of his own. 1 with his 1st wife and 1 with his 3rd wife. I being the 2nd could not.
      He always blamed me for not bearing him a child. Well, years later and now with my 2nd spouse, we got help to figure out why. For me it was a chemical imbalance of to high of a ph balance in the uterus. After time, lossing a little weight, changing the diet a little and luck we were successful. Everything went well until the last trimester when something was not right. Went to the doctor’s and had found out there was little to no embeonic fluid. We did some testing of our genes and found out that we were carries of the Tasack Disease that Jewish people carry. Our child had a very small window of surviving the pregnancy and making it past a few hours of living to a few months. We took the chance anyway. I had been trying for 15 years what more could I loose? Well, he decided to come early by a month. Then, he only lived 5 days after. We decided we did not want to know the sex of the child, so when he was born, my dream of having boys came true! Yes, this is when we found out the full extent of his kidneys and received a punchered lung on top of it. I do not know what your child passed from but when you yern for something so bad and than granted with it. As my husband put it, “We were given a miracle. Than “god” played a cruel joke on us. He than was ripped away from you and I. It is just a cruel, cruel joke.” I now a scare from the cicerian that I bear. I ca now broadly say I have entered into the breeders circle and now can be called a mom BUT I too am now missing something that should be by my side. His name is Irvin Gideon Stockfish and would have been 7 months old by now. MAKE THE MOST OF MOTHER’S DAY. HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!!!

  28. With out help with out a voiceMay 13, 2017 at 2:52 pmReply

    You know how many mothers are helpless to do anything about their abused and raped children? Some of us have suffered from our children trafficked and unable to do anything. Since 2011 for me and thousands of other moms. Our children are gone too- no sympathy, just isolation, gossip and perpetuation of something is wrong with a woman if her ex husband has kids and she can’t contact. No one knows the truth about Dv and family violence by proxy, court sanctioned pedophilia. Hell.

    • Profile photo of Litsa Williams

      I am so sorry for what you are going through and you are right, many mothers grieve losses of children that are not deaths, but that are excruciating and devastating. Though we haven’t specifically written about you describe, we have written several posts about related issues (grieving when someone is still alive, dealing with losses that society doesn’t validate or provide support/sympathy for, etc) that you or others may find of support. You can find a post of ambiguous grief (grieving someone who is still living) here and one on disenfranchised grief (not getting support and validation from society) here.

  29. I lost my son to Signet Ring Stomach Cancer on June 19, 2016, at the age of 40. He was the best part of me, and I miss him. God took him home, and I know in my heart that Ryan is in Heaven, and he is at peace. Those that he left a wife, a son age 4 at the time, brother, and his mother, struggle with the passing of a man that dedicated his life to his family. This last year has been a grief-ridden time, the holiday’s the birthdays, those milestones were all difficult to get through, but with the grace of God those times were dealt with maybe not the best way one could but dealt with none the less. Thank you for the message on how we can accept our grief and how to move through it, it isn’t easy, I don’t know how anyone deals with loss without the strength that God gives us. All of us that are in the midst of this loss of a child know that each day is a challenge, and each day is also a blessing, because we were blessed to have our child with us for as long as God allowed that, in that way I find a little peace, because having never had the child that is no longer a part of this earthly life would that not have been equally as painful as losing them. In remembrance of Ryan, I will have a blessed Mother’s Day.

  30. I loss my son and my daughter on May 28.2012.My hold world changed that day.It still seems like yesterday. I can still hear the phone call that i received on that day. I never could have imagine loosing one but two at the same time.Sometime the pain seem to be so unbearable. My holidays are just another day and on their birthday’s, anniversary of their death and Mother day i am so depress and crying.

  31. This is my second Mother’s Day without my only son. He was only 25 and served active in the USAF. My son was born a leader with passion and a huge heart. BUT darkness found him. He became a victim of domestic violence. He had the physical scars and notes to prove it. His death was an ALLEGED suicide and remains under investigation – but I know he did not pull the trigger. Recently, I have surrendered this battle to God. God gives me strength. This battle belongs to God as it’s too great for me. The spiritual world is very real. Satan is very real. God is in full control and will give me justice. Until then, I thank God for allowing me to raise His son. I feel very blessed that I was his mom – even for a short time. I miss him like crazy…….I miss hugging and kissing him, texting and hearing his voice, holding and laughing with him…….but his soul remains close to me……He gives me many signs that he is still with me. Our loved ones are always with us – but in a different form! ……until we meet again…..That is God’s promise – ETERNAL LIFE!

  32. Hello I can relate to all who has lost a child.. It`s not easy…. I lost my only Son November 17th , 2016 & my Ex, my Son`s Dad August 27th ,2016…. My ex died from a Heart Attack @ a young age & my Son was 29 years old…. & died from no Brain activity, & was on life support for a few days… We were thinking , that he might have come out of it ,so when the Doc`s said no way, we took him off.. The machines were keeping him alive….. He was very depressed after my Ex had passed, & do not know why but it was meant to be… We made the decision to donate his organs to the Nj. Sharing network, which gives us a peace of mind knowing that he is shinning on in the 3 lives he has saved… My heart is still aching, & i believe it always will…. The Holiday`s hurt even more… I have come to terms with it & have my good days & bad that come over me like huge title wave that i can not control & i wake up out of a deep sleep crying… Very sad…. They say time will heal all wounds.. It`s a big void in our life… Thoughts & prayers go out to everyone who has lost someone dear to them….

  33. On Aug. 7, 1992 our only son, Danny was killed in a military accident. My mother died suddenly the following year. I remember the next Mother’s Day crying, “I am a mother without my child and a child without my mother!” This is a very hard holiday, even after all these years, but aren’t all holidays hard? Life was never the same after my son was born, and I became a mother. Life held such joy and happiness, such hope for the future. Then life has never been the same since he died. I have joy and happiness, always tinged with the “what ifs”. And I have hope in Jesus….I will be with Danny again. Peace to all who have children living in heaven.

  34. My loss is still so fresh. My daughter was 38 years old and passed unexpectedly January 22, 2017. Like everyone here I have good days and then not so good days. The image of her is still too fresh in my mind. She comes to me in dreams and I just want to hold her again.

    • I am so sorry for the loss of your daughter. Sudden death is a blessing for them but so hard for us. We would never want to see them suffer but then you have some time to prepare. I feel your daughter is coming to you in dreams to comfort you. Someone came to me when my son died and told me it would get easier with time, I thought “You didn’t love yours like I love mine” But she was right…time does help. In the beginning, grief is like a knife in your heart. Pain in every movement, every thought. You couldn’t life with this pain too long. Then I had numbness but slowly I could smile again. I know Danny would want me to be happy. Slowly I am healing. I won’t tell you it is easy, I still have very bad times. But it won’t always hurt the way you are hurting now. Pray and remember all the good times.

  35. I am a mother of 3 beautiful children. 2 sons and 1 daughter. And I always will be. I am grieving the lose of my second born, and have been for going on 5 years. This coming August will be 5 years. The day my second born passed I felt as if all time stopped. I didn’t know how to continue on. I was utterly lost. My son was 26 years old when he passed away. And the letter you have posted is exactly how if feel. It’s so hard to go on without your child. But we all must draw strength through God and continue on. Thank you to all who have shared there loses. Everyone grieves differently but yet so alike. Happy Mother’s Day to you all!!💔

  36. I NEED 2 SAY….MY HEART HURTS HEAVY FOR ALL ABOVE & THOSE WHO HAVE HAD SUCH A LOSS!!!! I TELL MY SELF I COULD NOT BARE TO CARRY ON IF GOD FORBID I LOST MY SON!!! I CAN’T EXPRESS ENOUGH ON WHAT STRENGTH & COMPASSION I GIVE CREDIT TO THOSE SURVIVING SUCH A NIGHTMARE!!! I AM SUPER STRONG BUT I WOULD ABSOLUTELY BE UNCONDITIONALLY BROKEN & WEAK TO CARRY ON!!! GOD BLESS U ALL & STAY STRONG FOR THEM!!!

  37. I lost my baby girl age 3years old she was to beautiful for this world she had a very rare blood diorder I miss her every day she would have been 34 now and alway wonder what she’d look like now as a young lady time goes on it helps but never heals thanks for reading it makes me feel better when I speak about her xxxx

  38. I also have lost 2 children, a daughter Dawn 19 in 1976 and my son Randy in 17 in 1978. I also lost a granddaughter Alexis 11 in 2000 and I wonder if it was ever going to end!! I was instrumental in starting a bereaved group in town which is an international group beside USA. Listening to others sharing their grief let me know I wasn’t alone but it never dried my tears or took away my pain. Would I ever be able to smile or laugh again?? You hear all kinds of things people say about getting over it! Let me tell you, you never get over get over it, you learn to live with it!!! You start to reach out to others and help them walk the journey of grief because they don’t know what to do or where to go for help. I had 7 children and used to vision all the kids and their families at a big Holiday table but all that changed. We celebrate but in my heart there is always someone missing. I carry them in my heart and thoughts and get signs and it means they are always close to me. Songs bring back memories and I will drop a tear in a store in a minute if the overhead plays a familiar song. I worry about my Grandchildren in another state and pray they are always in God’s eye. Don’t ever feel you are different from others, you are a Mother who has lost part of your heart and future! Remember the memories and if you feel like crying or feel you wish you could die, remember they wouldn’t want that for you. Celebrate Mother’s day and be proud you are still a Mother forever! It has been many years for me but when I think of them it still burns in my heart. My life forever changed.!! You may see me laugh on the outside but inside I will always carry the pain in silence! You need to talk, call a close friend and just ask them to listen!! Have a Blessed Mother’s Day and when you feel you can’t walk, God will carry you!! You are never alone when you walk “The Stepping Stones” of grief.

  39. Amen amen amen to all who suffer. Let’s
    Celebrate our loved ones who weee asked and agreed to share they memories with their loved ones.

    Peace and blessings,

    Alice
    Q

  40. Thank you for this post. I lost a baby boy in the late stages of pregnancy in 1979 and lost my 22 year old son in 2007. After that I left a high profile position and began speaking and writing to help people. In my blog, “Writings From The Corner of Spirit &Brave” I write often about my son, grief and how to “love your life- no matter what!” I work with Hospice, rehab facilities, keynote conferences and work with groups and people who struggle with this kind of loss and to try to educate others on how to help and what to say (and not say). Here is a link to my Mother’s Day post this year about birthing and how I believe my two boys are together. Blessings to all the moms out there with child angels- no matter what age. I know you will understand “This Kind Of Love.”

    http://www.penniehunt.com/blogwritings-fom-the-corner-of-spirit–brave/this-kind-of-love

  41. Our 3 1/2 yr. old daughter passed away in “2008” She had Leukemia. The grieving and heartache never goes away….just dulls a little with time but always there. My heart breaks for our 6 yr. old twins who see their big sister’s pictures and express sadness of never being able to have her with us and never being able to meet her.

  42. Thank you for this article. We lost our daughter to suicide 4 years ago. Life has never been the same. God’s Grace has seen us through. It is so difficult every day but we have the assurance that we will see her again. Love to all!

  43. Thank you for sharing. You have put into words how so many of us grieving a loss of child have felt or feel… I couldn’t help but to tear up, beautifully written. Micah my sweet angel mommy loves you 😘 To all who have lost a precious child, God be with you💞 You are and will forever be a Mother🌈

  44. I do not nor ever want to know the pain my Mother and 2 of my closest friends live with everyday of their lives.But I know the horrific pain of losing a sibling,my brother Larry Lane Wheeler was 21 when he took his own life 27 1/2 yrs ago,time has past,I’ve learn to live without my brother,but the pain remains.I can not imagine the pain all Mothers who have buried a child/children.I say a prayer for each of you and can only say GOD BLESS Y’ALL 💗

  45. i lost my daughter 8yrs ago to a drug overdose!i miss her so much!she was loved by everybody.she was kind,giving.when i found out i was so numb.i do go to therapy every week and it really helps alot!i miss her calling me and saying mama i love you!

  46. My only daughter died in a car accident 2 1/2 years ago at age 26. I can never heal from this pain. Her only child will never know his mother, so very sad as she was a talented artist and very loving mother. Thank you for letting me raise her son, a small reminder of what we lost.

  47. This is so accurate! And it was so difficult to read all of the stories shared here; my heart goes out to all of these moms. We carry such a heavy burden (My son died in a head-on crash in Dec 2012). I sometimes wonder if it wouldn’t be easier to give up (I know many moms who have). It seems so much harder to keep living. On a good day, I can pass for normal; on a less-than-good day, things are more difficult. Thank you for speaking for us.

  48. I am also a grieving mother. I lost my only daughter Kayla on August 14, 2010 to a tragic car accident. It was her 19th birthday. She had a son that was only 10 months old when she passed away. I miss her more and more every day. She was loved by everyone that ever met her. Just want all you grieving Mom’s to know our children lives in our hearts forever. My Kayla was more than a daughter she was my best friend. I hope all you Mom’s can make the best of your mother’s day. I know our children would want us to.

  49. Yes, let us bereaved parents especially take care of one another. Thank you for this honest essay spoken from a mother’s heart, a mother who has lost a child. That separates us from mothers who have not lost a child. We all remember the “before” and the “now.” We look different now because we are different.

    We are also every mothers’ nightmare. Some days I am my own worse nightmare especially on the days leading up to an important date.

    Mother’s Day is more difficult for me than any holiday because the loss of a child is not an exact science. One minute feeling happy to throw my arms around my grandchildren and the next wishing our Katie was with us to do it, too.

    I feel the love of both my children – the one still here; thank God, and the one on the other side. But take heart – mothers and fathers without your child – and try not to focus on the time apart for that is much too painful. Try instead to do something that they loved doing this Mother’s Day and remember them smiling and laughing and treasuring you.

    I will do that this Mother’s Day and I will be thinking of you and hoping you will be remembering the love, too.

  50. Hello, the whole thing is going nicely here and ofcourse every one is sharing
    data, that’s truly good, keep up writing.
    Frankrike tröja barn

  51. What is written truly is perfect. I saw the movie Collateral damage with Wil Smith. The ending was too neat to wrapped up… I lost my girl when she was 4 in an accident … The accepting she has died, it’s still hard to type that word 5 and a half years later never goes away . I have learned to appreciate the not so bad days , and rest up for the bad ones…

  52. Such a beautiful letter! It spoke volumes to me! I am the mother of 4 children. My first born beautiful son Vinnie, died at the age of 17 on 1/28/96. 8 years later, my second born son, Andrew was murdered on 5/7/04, in a case of mistaken identity. He was only 18. My 2 surviving children, Matthew and Arianna have struggled mightily with this heavy burden of grief. It has been 21 years and 13 years respectively since my sons’ deaths. Time, life and people move forward and it is like they are forgotten by so many! Thank you for putting into words what is on my mind and in my heart. <3

  53. I lost my baby girl back in October of 2008 @ thee age of 14. The pain I carry is excruciating.. Thanks for sharing this letter that was put together for us Mother’s! BIRTHDAY’S, HOLIDAYS AND ANNIVERSARIES ARE SO PAINFUL TO GET THRU! LOSING A CHILD IS SOMETHING I WOULD NEVER WISH ON ANYONE! God bless all us mommy’s everyday and especially on MOTHER’S DAY!!

  54. Forever 22❤ our 1st, our only daughter. Killed in a single car accident Nov 1, 2015, early Sunday morning on her way home with warm krispy kreme donuts. She should have been in bed sleeping, but her little dog woke her up to go out. She was happy that morning. Her life was beginning to take shape. Dental school, Real Estate School then another year at UTSA. She had many dreams. We can now only imagine how they would have turned out. We live each day through this unimaginable pain that weighs in our empty hearts. Questioning God why? Our son never speaks of her or mentions her name. He looked up to her like a 2nd momma. He loves to sing & dedicated the song, See You Again, in her honor. (YouTube Reece Casteel) the pain in his voice that day is a pain no child should ever go through.😢 Thank you for sharing this piece on Grieving Mothers. So Sorry that we are in this club. A club that no one wants to be in.😣

  55. There’s just too many sad grieving parents. The daily loss is unbearable and it’s hard having to ‘keep it in’ most of the time but easier than trying to explain to anyone that has no idea(even those that are well meaning).

  56. I lost my daughter in 2014, she was 41 years old unexpected death,I would never wish such a thing on a parent. Felt like my heart was going to explode’ and someone was ripping it out.

    Samantha a beautiful young woman, mother left behind 5 children we were so close talked every day lived in different states but visited often we were such best friends loved and laughed shared tears good and bad. Im so lost without her we are all lost. My grief will never die, my soul will be. With her sometime.

  57. Thank you for sharing so many of our collective voices and experiences. It’s beautifully done. I’m one of those who face the challenge of grieving and missing my daughter who died 4 years ago, while also being grateful for the 22 years she was with me. Wanting to “just” feel grateful to have my younger daughter, knowing that she will call me on Mother’s Day, while also being aware it’s never enough…such a bittersweet time.

  58. Thank you so much for writing something POSITIVE but realistic. Many times I have read and read and it’s only the negative aspects and not even a glimpse of light. Of course this will never be easy but there eventually will be light.

  59. This is exactly how I feel. I lost my Daniel at 22 years old to a car accident. How do I be his mother now, I have wondered? We are many on this road, yet so alone. Thinking of you all.

  60. Eleanor,
    This post hits home for many. I love what you said about grief being like the weather. That couldn’t be more of the truth. My mother is no longer with us and she to had to deal with the loss of a child.
    I look forward to following more of your work.

    Tom

  61. A lot of people do not count a miscarriage as a baby. This is far from the truth! However short that time was you carried that child, mine only 7 short weeks, I still felt that child within. During and after losing this child, you wonder what you could have thought or done wrong, and wonder how you could have changed things to carry the child. Obviously, it was not “meant to be”, and although you don’t talk about it, your grief still goes on forever. Mine was my first, but my child, to me, still counted.

    • So true, Rose. After years of trying, I finally became pregnant a year ago, only to lose my baby after 8 weeks. My baby would be almost 4 months old now. I still feel hollow.

  62. I lost my 29 year old son to a drunk driver. He was going to work at 1050 in the morning sitting at a red light. I hope my son did not see the truck coming. It has been8 years but seems like yesterday. I will miss him and love him for the rest of my life.

  63. I lost my son. He was born too early. I never held him until he had past. That memory . Oh, that memory. I know he waits for me. As I do him.💞

  64. I am So Sorry to All the moms that have this as their reality. I unfortunately am 1. My babygirl 4ever 24 Alecia Marie Coglianese battled addiction. Her soul was God given. She always prayed and believed. The devil knew her heart and would not let her be, God knew her soul,answered her prayers, saved her to be free. I’m so grateful for these insights of perceptions it helps me understand my feelings and know I’m not the only 1 walking in these heartbroken shoes. Prayers for All the Moms..God Bless US All!!Amen

  65. Some of the people in my grief group look funny at me when I repeat things that I say I get from Facebook. I have liked a lot of grief sites because I need validation, support and courage in order to get through each and every day without them. Reading about others and the losses we are all dealing with, or not dealing with, makes me feel sad but not alone. My first child, Quinn, was killed in 2012. My second daughter, Shelby was killed in 2016. I need to print this for the group and for a coworker who just lost her 30yr old daughter. The age of your child
    when they die makes no difference in how much you grieve. I have to work on Mother’s Day. Hope I can make it thru the day. Going to work usually keeps me occupied, but they are still always on my mind. I don’t know when I will ever be able to ‘celebrate’ Mother’s Day with other mothers.

  66. The article is bang on target. Every emotion inside me so beautifully put
    Today is 17 90 days without out my child. That many days closer to seeing my son again.. This is how my life goes on now. To realise each day brings me closer to my death. What my son s death has done to me is… I m not afraid of dying anymore

  67. I truly agree with the,section that dont ignore mh child. He lived, he mattered, he was a living breathing human who loved, worked, studied, laughed, and cried. Just like all of us. So hearing people say his name or teml his stories are the best honor bestowed on me. It makes him come,alive for me again. Im still his mother a d will love him forever and beyond.

  68. my deepest heartfelt thanks. I walked into a Target today and there on a display were Coca-Cola bottles with names on them. Right smack in the front row was my sons name-Jesse. Not a common name, I about dropped to the floor. But I took it as a sign, he was thinking of me and wanted to say Hi. This is my hardest week, and he was there…

  69. Thank you, thank you again and again. This letter, this very personal letter, written by “us” is the epitome of what we feel, what we want to say to others, what we want them to know. Your gentle reminder to us that although our lives have been changed forever, we can or should include hope for a future where celebrating is included. Personally, I plan to print this lovely, perfectly written letter to share with family and friends when they ask how I will deal with mother’s day, how I feel about mother’s day and to answer the question, of how are you doing today on Mother’s Day. Thank you.

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