Grief or Greed? When Families Fight Over Material Possessions

Understanding Grief / Understanding Grief : Eleanor Haley

The death of a loved one can have a major impact on family unity. Each individual family member must reconcile the end of their physical relationship with the person who died and their ongoing grief over the loss. Unfortunately, this often means that at a time when the family could benefit from being closer than ever, misunderstandings and differences set them at a distance.

Many families have wound up befuddled when, after the death of a loved one, they find themselves at odds over the person's material possessions. As a family, they typically don't express their love through gifts, objects, or money. Their values have never been grounded in materialism in any way. Yet all of a sudden, they are arguing over stuff—much of it being stuff they hadn't cared about or wanted until after their loved one died.

Some people are opportunistic and greedy. I won’t try and deny this reality. I’ve written for a grief website long enough to have heard the horror stories and, frankly, some of them will threaten to destroy your faith in humanity. However, I’m also aware of quite a few scenarios in which people’s actions have been labeled as selfish when, in reality, the motives behind them were far more complex than assumed.

Honestly, grief can make us all a little egocentric and it can be difficult to empathize with another person’s feelings, actions, and grief reactions. There's research to suggest that two common grief responses—anxiety and uncertainty—can increase a person's tendency to assume that others see things exactly as they do. On top of this, our human brains are even more predisposed to making assumptions about people who we are close with and who we perceive as similar to us—like family members—perhaps because we assume these people share the same values, attitudes, and worldview.

Further, as we've noted before, the fundamental attribution error commonly causes people to attribute the behavior of others to personal traits—in these instances, traits like greed and selfishness—rather than taking the time to consider social, emotional, or situational influences on behavior.

In this article, we'd like to consider the influences beyond selfishness and greed that might explain your family member's feelings and behavior related to a deceased loved one's material possessions.

1. Different Feelings About If & When Belongings Should Be Put Away.

A common misunderstanding after the death of a loved one occurs when one family member is ready to put away, sell, or get rid of the deceased person's belongings and another is not. The family member who is not ready may feel that the other person is pushy, callous, uncaring, greedy, or ready to move on much too quickly. However, there are a number of other explanations for their behavior, including (but not limited to):

  • People grieve at their own pace. One family member might feel ready to go through a loved one's belongings, while another can't stand the thought of it. Neither is right or wrong, they may just be grieving at different paces.
  • People have different grieving styles. Although people typically think of emotions when they think about grief, some people grieve in a much more hands-on way. Researchers call these types of people instrumental grievers. Instrumental grievers might feel better when they are taking action or doing something in their grief, and one thing they can do is take care of their loved one's personal belongings.
  • People may be engaging in avoidance. Some people have a difficult time being around their deceased loved one's belongings. These objects can bring up a lot of difficult emotions and, for many, become painful grief triggers. In an effort to avoid these triggers, certain family members may want to put away their loved one's belongings right away. To those who see these objects differently, putting them away quickly may be perceived as uncaring when in actuality it comes from intense caring.

2. Sentimentality.

Some objects become special and significant after a loved one's death. If your family member is making a grab for specific items that belonged to your loved one, it may be because those items (sometimes inexplicably) have come to mean a lot to the person.

3. Continuing Bonds.

In the days, weeks, and months following a loss, a sense of longing for the security and comfort of a loved one’s physical presence may be especially salient. In these early days, the idea of never seeing a loved one again is slowly becoming a reality. At the same time, people often feel insecure about their ability to maintain an ongoing connection with their deceased loved one... and so they hold on very tight to physical reminders of them for fear that their memories are going to fade and their loved one will disappear. During these times, continuing bonds behavior may be used to maintain a sense of physical closeness to the person who has died and may involve stashing some of their physical objects.

4. The Estate Plans Feel Like A Statement of Love and/or Value.

Many people go to great lengths to make their estate plans known to their family. By doing so, they hopefully ensure their last words to family and friends are not those that are contained in a will. When these conversations happen, people have the opportunity to explain and clarify their intent, and those impacted are able to ask questions. In many instances, this can eliminate lingering hurt feelings and unanswered questions. This is why so many professionals and organizations are out there advocating for people to make their wishes known!

That said, in many (many, many) instances, people do not discuss their end-of-life wishes and estate plans for many (many, many) understandable reasons. This doesn't always cause a problem. However, if the estate turns out to be surprising or unfair, those who are surprised or left out may interpret their loved one's decisions as a statement of love or value (whether it is rational or not). Worse, it may cause confusion, questioning, resentment, or bitterness among surviving family members. Unfortunately, the only person who can explain the decision is gone and so people are left to try to make sense of things on their own.

5. Beliefs About What Their Deceased Loved One Would Have Wanted.

Family members typically want to do right by their deceased loved one and honor their wishes to the best of their ability. The problem is, as we've just established, people don't always walk around making their end of life wishes known to their family and friends. Even if they have discussed some things, it's sometimes impossible the cover everything down to what you want to be done with your necktie collection. Ultimately, some decisions will need to be made, and in the absence of clarity, there are times when people are left speculating. Unfortunately, this often leads to disagreeing about what the person would have wanted for their affairs and personal effects.


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51 Comments on "Grief or Greed? When Families Fight Over Material Possessions"

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  1. Sheila Giugliano  June 13, 2023 at 1:54 am Reply

    what can i do my husband and his brother we listed as co executors after their father passed away, but his brother decided to make himself power of attorney and steam roll over all decisions. Past us. My husband was dumbfounded, and increase his brother took everything. I don’t think it would bother me so much except my sister-in-law, treated my in-laws like garbage and took everything from them from his first house to their house to his life insurance to the jewelry we’ve been ripped off from almost all house contents and made us pay market value (100,000) over appraisal
    stole the China and the silver anything worth value in the house all the furniture everything disregarded well disregarded the special assignment of jewelry just stole everything. I think my husbands embarrassed. Is there anything I can do my children have nothing

  2. Xavier  April 7, 2023 at 8:25 am Reply

    My father died without a will. My sister buttered my father up for years and basically got him to name her as beneficiary to his 4,000 dollar life insurance (that was intended to pay for the funeral). He also signed his car over to her before he died (value of 12,000 dollars). In the weeks following my fathers death I paid for ALL his cremation, obituary, apartment clean out, and his final utility bills. This totaled up to 6,000 dollars. Now my sister does not want to pay me back with the life insurance money. I am highly disappointed with her behaviors. Our father also before his death withdrew cash and gave each one of us 5,000 dollars cash. My sister “held on to” my younger brother’s cash and refused to give him the money. There was 6,000 dollars left in my father’s checking account that the state says gets divided by 3 (2,000) each. So what I did was said “if you refuse to give our brother his money then split it with me and she did. So what I did after this in the sake of fairness towards my brother was give him half of the 7,500 cash I had (3,750). So what happened is I now had 5,750 cash and 6,000 that I paid in bills. Leaving me short just a little. Meaning I inherited nothing. My brother has his 5,750 and my sister has cash and a car totaling around 24,000 dollars. My sister refuses to “make things right”. I had a feeling she was going to do this when my father had his first heart surgery 15 years ago at 65 years old. The comments she made were about money and sounded extremely selfish and greedy. I am really annoyed. Basically I am washing my hands of the whole mess. I am being civil and cordial to my sister at least for now until my father’s final bills and estate matters are done, then I will go no contact. My younger brother is pretty angry at her because he knows that she wanted him to have zero dollars and he knows about my situation and how I gave him half to be fair. He knows that our sister is sitting on all the money and could make things right but she refuses to part with any of that money. I trusted her because I was grieving my father who died in my presence and I paid ALL his expenses with the agreement that I was to be paid back. I should not have trusted her at all. At least I only lost 250 dollars of my own money. I told my sister “what you are doing is making permanent family problems for temporary money” I think she’s a sociopath because she just doesn’t care.

  3. Donna H  September 3, 2022 at 1:34 am Reply


    • Litsa  September 5, 2022 at 9:39 am Reply

      I’m so sorry – I’m sure it has been hard knowing her wishing weren’t honored on top of losing her. We can’t change or control others so often the best thing we can do is start with ourselves. Looking to what you knew about her, who she was, and what she wanted, and then finding ways you can honor that – even if they are small.

    • Savannah H  September 18, 2022 at 1:49 pm Reply

      Maybe there was a misunderstanding within your family and they weren’t aware of what she wanted

  4. Vicki  August 18, 2022 at 2:25 pm Reply

    My sister was separated from her husband for 6 months before she took her life this past November. He asked for all five of us siblings/spouses and our 89 yr old mother to help plan the funeral service and the church gathering area with photos of her as a child, with her friends and the two of them as a couple and placing flowers delivered. He was in charge but wanted to delegate the majority of the tasks to us siblings as he was so emotionally distraught. It was a beautiful celebration of her life by many family members and friends.

    Two days ago my deceased sister’s husband contacted my sister and me after no communication the past 10 months, to go through her personal possessions and remove everything from his home. He said he hasn’t been able to begin dealing with her possessions as too painful and he felt “stuck”. He said he keeps her bedroom door closed as it causes so much emotional pain to see her room and the large amount of her things in the room. This was a heartrending task but we wanted to help him move on so we agreed. He was present as we sorted through my sister’s possessions and he kept saying “just do whatever you think best with her things”. He referred to her things and “my things” as we sorted one shared closet and said repeatedly, “I just want her stuff out. I just can’t deal with her posessions any longer as it’s too painful”. We asked him if he wanted the wall decor removed. He told us all the room furnishings could stay including the wall decor. As we left with a pickup truck of her boxed possessions to donate to a Christian outreach organization, he thanked us profusely and told us how grateful he was for our work. We parted after hugs were exchanged.

    We spent six hours yesterday sorting and repeatedly asking if he wanted this or that. All three of us came up with a plan to set aside personal keepsakes and ask her two closest friends to join my sister and me to choose any keepsakes any of us wanted at a later date and donate the majority of her possessions to a Christian outreach organization that accepts donations. We removed everything out of her three closets and bedroom as he asked. He didn’t handle any of her things but just watched us work and carried the boxes we filled out to our vehicles.

    Today he called saying he changed his mind because her dressers look so empty. He’s asking us to bring back her jewelry boxes and music box back to put on the dressers, “so they don’t look so empty.” He suffers from emotional problems through their marriage and is under the care of a psychiatrist all these years and unable to work due to his emotional and psychological problems.

    My sister and I are so hurt, confused and sad that the day after we performed the heartbreaking task of sorting through our dear sister’s personal possessions he wants us to return some of the things he gave us as keepsakes and wants to be present as we sisters and her 2 close friends choose keepsakes.

    We remaining two sisters of three feel we and he would be taking a big step backward in our healing through our grief after her death. We her sisters and our brothers are grieving too. We feel his behavior is confusing and just want to do the Christian thing.

    Is it reasonable for him to change his mind and ask for these things to be returned? We’ve been praying today since he contacted us this morning. We would appreciate others’ opinions of how to answer his request. Any advice would be appreciated.

    Thank you.

  5. Elizabeth Cantafi  July 21, 2022 at 9:03 am Reply

    My beloved grandson passed away last August. His friend whom he shared an apartment with at the time agreed to pack up his belongings and return them to the family. At the present time he has not returned anything. When asked recently he stated that they were in storage and he has not been there since. Is it grief or greed.

  6. AJ  April 28, 2022 at 6:54 am Reply

    Hello. I was just wondering if anyone can help please. My sister & I were extremely close. She had been ill & knew that she wouldn’t have a lot of years left. She had started to write bits of things she wanted people to have but only on a note pad & she hadn’t finished it by ay means. She passed away unexpectedly & suddenly, (not from the condition expected). Her husband knew there were a few personal items she wanted me to have, as well as some of her ashes. Some of these items belonged to our Dad! There are things she also wanted my nephew to have. The problem is her husband refuses to let us have any of her ashes or the items. These items aren’t worth anything except sentiment & memories. He knows that she wanted myself & him to sort her funeral & belongings out together but he just plays games. This alongside her passing has & is causing me great distress. I have been diagnosed with severe depression and PTSD through it all. I haven’t been able to grieve for her & cannot until he follows her wishes. Please help what can I do, (especially that won’t cost a fortune as I am disabled).

  7. Pamela  April 6, 2022 at 9:46 am Reply

    My mama passed away February 28th 2022,and I have had to spend the last 8 years of being deprived of being in her life or her in mine.My sister has personal issues she refuses to settle with me ,and being agent over my mama she abused that right and kept my mama and me apart.Im in my 60s,I know this sounds like a game an adelescent would play but it wasnt.Of all the things my mama worked for all of her life ,mean nothing.What means the most to me is the fact we were deprived of time that we could have shared together and have made memories and didnt.I will never get that time back or my mama.How am I suppose to deal with this.My whole family mistreated my mother and me.They lurched over her like vultures.If my 83 yr old daddy hadnt called me and told me mama had passed,I would have not been told.I could never be informed of anything concerning my mama or her health.My mama was my very first best friend,and she didnt want this to happen like this ,but she couldnt fight it.

  8. Sonya  February 17, 2022 at 9:21 am Reply

    Was just wondering if it is normal to want to empty an entire house the day after a person dies, if anything worth selling and throwing used old clothes in the garden? Bearing in mind the person who died was only 44 and living with her 22 year old daughter, so I thought it was very strange that the mum of the person who died would strip the house of valuables and personal stuff the very next day, her 22 year old daughter couldn’t face been in the house alone on the first day so she stayed with her 17 year old sister and her dad, only to return home to find her Nanna and auntie and uncle removing everything even food, is this normal? I believe it’s illegal and morally wrong, is it greed or grief?

    • Litsa  February 21, 2022 at 4:26 pm Reply

      Hi Sonya, laws vary by state and country, but in many places in the US and adult child is the legal next of kin and, unless a will states otherwise, they are the person who has legal control. Everyone’s needs in grief are very different, with some people wanting to clear items right away and others waiting months or years to remove items. But it is always important that there is communication and, of course, a respect for the legal rights. There are mediators and estate lawyers who can be very helpful in matters like these, as it can be very complicated to navigate without an third party of things get tense.

  9. Shannon  February 10, 2022 at 8:55 am Reply

    I am at a loss… my mom & stepdad moved into my home to enjoy retirement. 6 mo later mom was diagnosed w Lukemia and passed in May of 21. There was no Will and no one appointed as executor. My sister and I agreed when my stepdad asked if he could. I’ve always been an open communicator. I also was there 100% to care for my mom and even stepdad. Even though he has 2 grown children he relied on me for a lot. I helped but it was extremely stressful. For some reason stepdad decided a month ago that anything my mom had that was originally my grampaps should be given to my uncle. And so the saga begins. He didn’t even mention it to my sister and I. Just gave things to my uncle. So when I said to him “I’m not sure why you decided that, don’t you think I might like to have my grandparents belongings?” To which he responded “I don’t feel comfortable with those things being here.” And again I asked that he run things by me. We are adults. I just want to see items that were in my mothers possession before someone decides to give it away. Is that too much to ask?
    Well, this started a big fight with my stepdad shouting at me “your mothers things are mine until I’m dead!” I was speechless. My mouth actually hung open. I’ve always been helpful. Why is he acting this way? Unfortunately I had to ask him to move out of my home as we couldn’t see eye to eye and I wouldn’t stand for that treatment. He text me he was going to leave me all of my mothers belongings when he moved out. I’m cautiously optimistic this will happen.
    In the meantime he gave a bundle of things to my uncle. My uncle called me and said “we are just Going to bring everything back to you.” Great! But I’m so confused.
    My uncle arrived yesterday with the items and my aunt kept commenting “well I’d like to have that” and I kept saying “no problem! I just didn’t see why it had to go this route?” And it felt like I had created a huge conflict when all I did was ask my stepdad to look at my mothers things. I hate that other people are causing this and every time I get a step further in grieving the loss of my mother whom I was extremely close with someone rips my heart out all over again.

  10. Kaleigh  January 12, 2022 at 5:45 pm Reply

    I am disgusted at my sibling, I have cared for my Mum for years, also my disabled brother who had lived with her all his 46yrs of Life.She has recently passed & the only assets she had was her Life insurance & a bank account, which she asked for me being her next of kin to manage. she did not leave a great amount in her account considering there are 5 siblings, apart from that I did not want anything, My partner & I have paid out a lot of expenses including her funeral costs, which no-one offered any help. My brother& his wife returned from Australia were he emigrated 7yrs ago In April 2021 & did not help caring for Mum until the last 3wks of her Life, I arranged all funeral & as I got to emotional my partner arranged a telephone call between the registrar & my brother who only had to verify questions being asked regarding her death certificate. Biggest mistake of my Life, he used it for his own advantage & would not give it to me, he went into bank, contacted her insurance to claim all monies & insisted it must be credited to him, giving them his bank detail. These companies have now froze all money owing as there investigating this issue as I contested it. I had to pay £107.00 for duplicate certificates so I could contact all her finance company’s to close them. He had no authority whatsoever to get involved but he just wants what he can get then return back home.
    It is heartbreaking & I am now aware when my Mum lay dying he went snooping in all her personal documents to see how much they could scam her for.
    My mum did not leave a will as we assumed it was not necessary.
    He has left me broke as all my savings went on what my Mum deserved, my other siblings were not even aware what he had done.
    Please any advice would be most grateful.

    • Lisa  February 22, 2023 at 11:56 pm Reply

      Did you ever figure out how to handle this? I am in a similar situation and have no idea what to do. I am heartbroken and am not allowed access to my dad’s belongings or paperwork. His other daughter was only involved the last 6 weeks. I can’t even grieve and be with something that is familiar and reminds me of him. People can be so cruel. I have taken care of my dad and been the only one he trusted for years. Now he is gone and I just can’t understand how this could be happening. Everyone knew I was his person. She has never been there and he has always told me I’m all he has.

  11. me  December 19, 2021 at 4:59 pm Reply

    My father passed and my mother has retained his truck. I have told her if she ever wants to get rid of it, that I will buy it – only because it holds sentimental value to me.

    My sister and her husband have essentially taken the truck and use it as their commuter car to work.

    I am upset because there’s a part of me that wanted to preserve the truck as my father left it, I liked looking at the CD he had left in the cd player, what he had in his middle console etc. It’s hard to think of something so special being used by my brother in law as a simple commuter car. Sounds irrational I know but it just does.

  12. April Combs  August 14, 2021 at 5:57 am Reply

    My father passed and my mother is still alive. I am trying to get her things and his things in order and leave it up to her to sell and use the money(very little) to enjoy the rest of her life.
    My older brother, when he sees what I have gathered together, states claim to it. That’s mine. When he already has a shed loaded down with his stuff. My little sister was recently confronted by mom about her disposing of some of dads possessions.
    I realize know that this a common part of grieving but mom is still with us and paying all the household bills.
    I want to help. My time is spent getting yelled at by siblings and asking me what I am doing when mom is aware of every step that I take.
    I’m flustered and ready to throw the towel in.
    We all desperately wanted to not argue and work together. It’s not going so well.
    I hate being confrontation. But sitting back and watching anything that could possibly be sold for her upkeep being claimed seems like I am just spinning my wheels.
    I guess we all can see why it’s important to not base your life on material possessions from this world. You can’t take it with you.
    But you sure can get your soul twisted up over these things and worse case scenario become a hoarder or a pathological liar where you cover up for yourself so much that you convince yourself that you are in fact telling the truth.
    Struggling to keep my soul clean while figuring out my father and mothers estate.
    Leaving it in god’s hands and hopefully it will turn out better. While fighting the urge to move out of state.

  13. Jennifer  July 29, 2021 at 9:51 am Reply

    Since my husband passed away, very suddenly and unexpectedly, I’ve begun having issues with my mother-in-law. I feel I’ve been very open and generous in my communication – reaching out, etc.

    My husband and I did not have children and we’re in a common law marriage for over 21 years. I feel that these elements make me less tied to her, and as I see now, much more disposable.

    She has arrived at my home while I’m alone, albeit invited, with 3 other family members ‘from her side’, and is very aggressive and demanding about what items she is going to take. They have openly used the phrase “keep it in the family” in front of me. I feel very attacked and at the same time dismissed from my own relationship with my husband.

    It’s not that I would mind giving them the items they want, but I resent the way in which it is being approached. It’s very hurtful and I feel like avoiding their calls and shutting down any further access to my home.

  14. Kim  March 29, 2021 at 4:45 am Reply

    My mother passed away 3 weeks ago. Prior to her passing, the family realized that her and her husband, my stepfather, had incurred a crazy amount of debt. Before she passed the children, all of us adults, decided to go through their finances and try to make sense of everything. My stepsisters decided that they needed to protect their dads credit. My mother needed nursing care. They did not provide it. Then when she passed, they started stonewalling us on her ashes, belongings, and memorial plans. My sisters and I wanted part of her ashes, to which we were told no, then okay but a token amount, like enough to put into a pendant. I’ve texted, pleaded for them to share her belongings with us, but nothing back from them. I’m so hurt and upset by this. I never thought my stepfather and his girls could be so inhuman. I don’t want anything of value, just want what she promised to me before she died. There’s a will and a trust, but we’re not allowed to see any of it. My mother once told me that she didn’t trust my one stepsister, knowing that she would take control of her father and leave us out. Once he passes, I’m the co-executor of the trust, and I know there will be nothing left of my mother’s possessions. What can I do?

  15. Robert Scarboro  March 28, 2021 at 7:03 pm Reply

    We had moved from Florida to Tennessee to be closer to my wife’s family. Moved across the street from one of my wife’s daughters and within ten miles of her other daughter and two grown grand-daughters and a grand-son. My idea, since we were both in our 70’s, we put the (across the street) daughter on our bank accounts, in case something happened to us and she needed to step-in to care for us Big—Big Mistake!). During Twenty-Three years of marriage, I loved these people and assisted them financially several times when needed. My wife convinced me that the love was mutual and they would care for me after she was gone.
    Two days after my wife’s passing the entire family (including visiting cousin’s from up North, who I didn’t even know) came over and started going thru my wife’s belongings. The cousins immediately took all of her leather motorcycle gear (jackets, vests, chap’s), which they couldn’t fit into if double the actual size. They were just interested in the easy re-sale value. They also never said “Sorry for your loss”, just appeared greedy. After the cousin’s left with their concealed treasure, the rest of the family went into action pulling drawers completely out of her dressers looking for her jewelry. My wife was the original “Material Girl” and had an extensive jewelry collection I bought her. I sat in the livingroom, in dis-belief, listening to them laughing as they ransacked thru her belongings. I over-heard one grand-daughter say she was afraid to ask me where the jewelry was kept. When I had had enough of it, I confronted the group and stated we are only going thru her clothes today which prompted an argument between me and the across the street daughter. One of the grand-daughters joined in the argument telling all kinds of lies about how I cared for my wife. I believe she thought she was telling the truth and I immediately knew who put those lies in her head (the across the street daughter) that she would believe. I looked at her mother and asked her to tell her the truth. Her mother, with a smile on her face, remained silent until the grand-daughter left the house crying. Two days later (without the mothers knowledge) she came over and apologized. I think she was prompted to do so by the father, who also knew the truth. This grand-daughter had just gotten engaged and a wedding date set. The step-daughter, as she was leaving, said she couldn’t do it right now but she would let me know when she could come over to go thru my kitchen, I didn’t respond and in the past two months I have not been visited or even received a phone call from the so-called “Family” members led by the step-daughter across the street. I did receive several calls and visits from the other step-daughter who actually loves me and considers me family. I owe her alot for caring and making me feel like my life still has value and meaning after the loss of the love of my life. The step-daughter across the street hates her own sister, often saying she was the bad one. It took the loss of my wife to open my eyes to who really is the bad one.

  16. Debby  March 14, 2021 at 12:15 pm Reply

    I’m not sure where to begin. I guess I’ll start when my mother passed away March 13, 2020. Due to covid there was never a celebration of life. Mom did not have much so she never had a will. I have a half brother and half sister, both older. I have a full sister who is younger. I have always not been included in their click. It used to hurt me when I was younger, but I got over it with age. A few years before our mom passed away my oldest sister was evicted from her apartment. My husband, son and I helped to move her things to storage. Then she had two suitcases and asked me to drive her to moms. When I dropped her, her dog and cat off at moms I asked her if she had spoken to mom about her staying at her place and bringing a cat and dog. My older brother already lived with mom. Her reply to my question was no, but they’ll soon find out. I was shocked. Mom came out of her house when she saw my car and when I got out to hug her she asked me what was going on. It wasn’t my place to tell her. My sister stayed there for two years. Once she moved in she made moms place her place. Mom had pictures of me and my kids on the fridge and some of my other siblings. One day I went over to visit and any picture of me was taken down. Replaced by pictures of my older sisters family, her son, granddaughter, my brother and younger sister. I addressed the issue two days after mom passed. My younger sister said “I’m leaving I’m not going there”, my brother replied it was a stupid question. They all left the room and I went home. It’s been a year yesterday since mom left us. She was by my everything. Many other ugly things have happened in the past year involving all of us. A month or so ago I went to the house which was never owned by mom, it was a rental and my brother and sister took over the rental. There are personal items that were given to my mother from my father (my half siblings hated my father). I have asked for those items because I remember the story behind them. There are only two things. A ring and a leopard clutch. My mom would let me borrow it and she used it at my wedding. I also want my photos and photos of my children and jewelry items I had given to my mother throughout the decades. I went to the house one day to politely ask for those things. My older sister said she wasn’t ready to give mom things away. Which is a total and complete lie. She has been given items of moms to other family members. The next day after my visit she told me she was giving the ring I wanted and another ring to the younger sister. I converted a vhs tape from 28 years ago onto a usb stick. The video contains our mother aunts uncles most of who are all gone. We are all in it and our very young children. In my heart I knew I had to make a copy of it for them so they could have those beautiful memories. I thought yesterday being the first anniversary of moms passing would be a good time for them to have it. My husband and I drove over to drop it off and there was a huge gathering of family there to remember mom. I was never included. As my niece walked by our car I handed her the usb stick and I said that I hope since everyone there was in the video that they could all watch it. That it would bring them all joy. Then I said I didn’t know there was something going on today. My niece said it wasn’t planned we just decided to come over. Then we drove off. I was devastated to not be included. When I got home I shared what had happened with my oldest daughter who lives in Denver. She said the gathering had been in the making for two weeks. I am paralyzed with heartache, hurt and a feeling of unworthiness. I still want those things of my mothers that mean something to me. I want to be able to hand them done as family heirlooms

    Shattered Heart

    PS I apologize for the length of this messag.

  17. Debra Cruz  February 17, 2021 at 4:02 pm Reply

    My mom passed 3 years ago , Jan 27. I am an only child with one daughter . She had 7 siblings , 2 died before my mom . 3 of the remaining siblings and there kids changed the night she died . They decided my daughter and I were not entitled and didn’t deserve my moms annuity, possessions or the house we shared with her for over 20 years . For me , I feel the same way I did the night she died . They haven’t spoken to us since ignoring us at her funeral . My experience is not about a grieving family . She died at 11 pm, They showed up at our house at 8 am to start going through & taking /removing her things knowing I was in a sad state of mind, in shock & could only think of her . Turns our they made a fake will and added only three out of her 5 remaining siblings to it . She went over her will with me many times , they were not in it . My daughter and I were the only 2 named. They found her original will , replacing it with their version . I asked her sister about it , she lied to my face . They destroyed her will & stole from her , us and were mad when I cancelled the estate sale they wanted me to have , not even 2 weeks after losing her . They literally stole from us .
    My question is , how can a family be so cruel , heartless and steal from family like they did ??! Without any thought to us ?

    Mom died & suddenly 16 members of your immediate family betray you like mine did , seeing that not one mourned her or sat with us while at my
    house , why am I the asshole for being my moms daughter ? My cousins son, that was not around during all this , decided to email me & chew my ass out because of my treatment toward HIS FAMILY. There was no grief , only pure Greed and entitlement when I am her only child .
    The only good thing to come From moms death , was we no longer need , want , love , care for “the fake two faced lying thieves, we once considered “family ” .

    • Isabelle Siegel  February 18, 2021 at 10:41 am Reply

      Debra, I’m so sorry for your loss and that you’ve been forced to navigate this unfortunate situation. I recommend you check out this article: I wish I could answer your question about how people can be so heartless. Sadly, I don’t think there’s a clear answer. I do know that you will find a way through this. You are not alone. All the best to you.

  18. C Garnham  July 3, 2020 at 6:46 pm Reply

    My mother made a promise to my sister (living overseas) 4 years ago that she could have a holiday home and my father was in agreement with that but this was before my Mum was diagnosed with MND. Mum was cared for by my sister who came back from Germany to take the role up of paid Government caregiver. My father has always said that the holiday home would be my sisters upon his death. Problem is that now is Mum is gone, my sister wants to live in NZ, bring her German husband over and live in the holiday home. she is insisting that my father put the house into her name as it was promised as a gift and due to Mum’s care she is now detrimentally disadvantaged which justifies her being given that home now. This house is worth a million dollars, its not being used by him, and tells my father he doesn’t need the money and there is alot of emotional blackmail going on because she wants that house. No time for anybody to grieve over loss of Mum as this screaming started 2 days beofre Mum passed away. Thoughts ? Is she entitled due to this “promise” ? She could at any time leave NZ return to Germany and pick up with her life there and German husband.

  19. Kay  June 23, 2020 at 10:41 am Reply

    I can feel everyone’s pain who posted a comment! When my father died in 1977, my sister took everything from his home. I lived in another state. She took many family heirlooms, nothing of big value, but some things that had been our grandmother’s that were passed on to my dad. There was absolutely nothing left for my brother or myself. At one point I told her I felt my brother and I deserved equally as much as she did. Her comment “I’ve got them I’m keeping them” We didn’t speak for a few years and did finally get our relationship back. But I always felt she was wrong in taking everything. Now our elderly mother is moving in with my sister’s son, and practically gave him her house, for his son to live in. Mom is suppose to be getting around $15,000 cash and my sister’s son is paying her for the amount on the mortgage. Last night in talking with my sister she said “mom is putting MY name on her savings account, so when she dies whatever is in the account is mine” So again my sister is being greedy, other than a savings account my mom has nothing. I’m guessing my sister will take everything of value once my mom moves out of her house. I am so angry at my sister for being so greedy, it’s like our mom had an only child…my sister!! I forgave her evidently after she (I feel robbed my brother and I) but when she does it again, not sure I will be able to forgive her, again!

    • Ann  November 20, 2020 at 7:28 am Reply

      My baby sister just recently passed away. She was widowed and had no children. She did not leave a will nor have life insurance. I am the middle sister (3 sisters) and when my sister passed she was found in her home by a nephew. My oldest sister and nephew had not been in my nor my little sister’s life since 2006 till just recently about 5 months ago they started speaking to us again. Back in 2006 our mother passed away and my oldest sister was upset with me and my little sister because our mother left her out of the will in 2006 because she did not help us take care of our mother who was in hospice and mother was seeing that she disregarded my mother’s condition and was hurt. Then during our mother’s final hours we contacted my oldest sister she would not answer the phone and we left a message to let her know that mother was slipping away and we continued to attend to our mother’s final hours. Then, mother passes away and our oldest sister finally made it to the the hospital a few minutes after mother passed she was upset with us because no one told her mother was ill. She knew our mother was in hospice care but I suppose didn’t want to believe mother was really critically ill. I still do not understand that till this day. So, she stopped speaking to us and returned to our lives a few months ago.
      But now, my youngest sister passed away and my oldest sister got upset because my little sister who just passed away did not put her name as emergency contact at the complex where she resided at and the day after my sister passed away the complex contacted me in regards to my baby sister passing away in her home. But, I knew she did pass away but as protocol the complex still had to reach out to me and inform me what transpired. Well, my oldest sister got really mad because my little sister did not change my name to her name as emergency contact where she resided at. My little sister
      lied to my oldest sister and told her she revised the emergency contact info at her complex and workplace but never did and left me as she wished on her paperwork. Well, my oldest sister got mad and refuses to speak to me and did not even want to accompany me to make arrangements for my little sisters services. I paid for my little sister’s services I never asked anyone for money to put my baby sister to rest. It did not matter to me that there my little sister did not have life insurance. What mattered in my heart and the right thing to do is to put her to rest even though I had to pay for her services it didn’t matter to me. I love my sister with all my heart and had to do what was best for her.
      Now, I have my nephew (my oldest sister’s 40 year old son) calling me on the phone and leaving messages that I am greedy and calling me foul names. The funeral home also contacted my oldest sister when I was making arrangements for my little sister and my oldest sister relinquished herself from any arrangements for services for my deceased sister. My nephew has also contacted the funeral home asking for information but the funeral home told him they could not give him any information. He wants her ashes. So, he got really mad and cursed at the funeral director. I was so embarrassed. I am not that type of person that conducts myself as my nephew and oldest sister. I was raised to respect and have the highest morals. Then after my sister passed away my nephew took her car that my little sister still owes. He then proceeded to go all over town trying to get her possessions and trying to get info on life insurance at her work because he said he was beneficiary. My little sister had no life insurance (it was confirmed via her workplace) and she had no will. But yet, my nephew and oldest sister are saying I am greedy. For one, I had to clear out her home and store and secure her belongings. Then while all this transpired I had a small heart attack due to the heartbreak of my baby sister passing away and all the stress my oldest sister and nephew are giving me. I can not grieve properly and now I feel they are harassing and slandering me. Any suggestions please…., I am devasted all around.

    • Sabrina miller  February 8, 2022 at 4:38 pm Reply

      My situation is very different I’m an American living in California and my father past away 7 years ago In Scotland . I just found out the date of his death after trying to correspond with his wife before his passing only to be left in the dark for so long. Now because of legal rights and my deceased father’s spirit visiting me . I’ve come to know I have rights to the will yet they transfered his business his things all given away and only apiece is able to be seen of what I’m entitled too.. how could a person have no compassion to ny feelings as I was first born and the daughter to my father . I haven’t had any info weather he was alone how he was nothing about his disease nothing the grief I have is nothing I’d ever want anyone to have to go thru or deal with the evil I’ve came to know from his family he thought truly loved him but true to see only cared about money for themselves . She knows I can’t find anyone in the USA to fight her and especially after 7 years . There’s is noone to help me grieve or see they know what they did is illegal and oh so wrong . People when we die we take nothing with us but the love in our hearts and. Memories and for them I hope the lies and deceit to have a journey as I have to helll. A Scottish solicitor I’m unable to have there is noone to help me to ever know why people would ever do that to anyone but God. My world has been turned upside down .

  20. Anon  June 17, 2020 at 11:05 pm Reply

    My sister who done nothing on my mammys last few years but give her grief. Takes things without any thought or regard how it might effect me. She’s in her late 40s and im 29.mam died 6 years ago.
    Lately my uncle passed away and my dad took some of his belongings which is fine but guess who took them all without asking one else my sister. People do be afraid of some stranger breaking in and taking sentimental things but no not me it’s my sister

  21. Joseph Thomas  May 10, 2020 at 7:14 am Reply

    You managed to leave out jealous siblings. Don’t you know that if 1 sibling harnessed human caoital from the parents ( e.g. like opera singing ) and the same sibling is the only college grad that the other two siblings want to take away all from the educated one —no matter what parents will or trust says ? My sister’s took my Mom’s debit card , became trustee , executor , and besides using up mom’s credit cards they sent grueling messages. They want the opera records. But they can’t sing. Mom can only seefrom 1 eye. She is 94. And she signed anything incuding a new trust in 2018.

  22. Cynthia  March 27, 2020 at 11:38 pm Reply

    My husband did not want to tell his parents of his cancer and I respected his wishes. About 2 weeks before his death my brother in law brought his father to see us. I told them his wishes but they blamed me. When planning the funeral my father in law wanted to take control of arrangements. He did things that I was not aware of. The funeral was 2 hours away and my son and I talked to the funeral home with arrangements. My father in law was a Mason and against my will he had all of those people show up that I did not know, at visitation. They did not know me, nor I know them. My sister in law to this day since 2005 is against me.
    I was accused of having a expensive tool. I believe it was sold at a garage sale. My brother in law will not come to see me because his brother is now her, nor visit his grave in the town where the funeral took place. I have overcome all of this but it is occasionally brought to my attention.

  23. Bella  January 12, 2020 at 6:59 pm Reply

    mom died less than 2 years ago. My older sister is after everything she can get. Dad is still alive. Mom got a new car before she died and my sister who was the executor went to a lawyer and had a family agreement done and emailed me saying “there’s one more document I need you to sign.” It was an agreement that we all agree she gets mom’s car. I refused to sign it. Next my dad called me and basically bullied me into coming home to sign the document. I was in shock listening to his voicemail. I froze, didn’t do anything, didn’t respond. Turns out, my dad went to the lawyer with my sister and he got the car, then gave it to her. He told me they went to a lawyer so I would not sue them and that he got the car, she didn’t. I learned later that he lied to me. I feel completely homeless and rejected. I will in time forgive, but will never get over it. I struggle with anger against dad and wanting to see him at the same time to make sure he is okay. I’ll never trust him again. I did go home for christmas to see him. Spent the entire Christmas Day cleaning a very dirty house for him. Before leaving, I went in mom’s bedroom. She had 3 pictures of me hanging on the wall. My sister had taken them down. What a horrible feeling. What relationship I had with her is completely destroyed and I’m trying to deal with some really bad feelings. I figure she is looking for me to be reactive. The ego always likes drama. So I’m just going to go back and get what pictures of me are hanging in the house. I just want to crawl in a hole. It’s tough stuff to deal with.

  24. Mary  December 27, 2019 at 6:37 pm Reply

    Based in Scotland. My older sibling bought our parents their Council Home and one of our parents passed away 10 years ago leaving one of our parents alive and living alonenin the house. The brother never takes much interest in doing house repairs or updates and barely contacts but when he does he calls a zillion times a day to boast to our parent about his life yet doesnt ask how our parent is doing or if our parent needs any help in the home. The other 2 siblings and I live in our homes (3 siblings in england and 1 in Scotland ). The older sister has always been money greedy and anything she has previously been given by our mother (parent who passed away) she has sold or pawned and so our mother didnt want her to be given certain items. Now our father is alone the older sister is calling him and befriending him and drops into the talk about this item and that item and saying how its worth money. Our father often has said she will take things andni should take this or that before she does. The younger sister kisses the ass of the older one and follows as rhe old one says kind of. I am very much similar to our mother in personality and things are sentimental to me and I dont want this old sister to sell our parents everything for her financial gain. She is heartless. She ignored our mother the last year of her death and only apologised once our mother was dying. She hurt our mother a lot and on the same day we buried our mum she came to our family home and bagged up and threw out all our mothers things and said ‘its so dad doesnt have to see it or deal with it’. She bullied.our father and I said nothing because at the time Id just lost our mother and my best friend and confidant in this world. I felt heartbroken. This sister is heartless and the younger one isnt much better. The brother also he didnt come for his mother when she was unwell bor did he attend her funeral. He just I guess is waiting for his house which he paid for so he can sell it and get the money. I feel so sad my siblings suck and have became so heartless and money hungry. How can i help my dad for these coming years – can i do anything to get him to make a will ? Can I keep any of our parents things safe? I feel so stressed with worry that they will sell our parents belongings as well as the house. I am not looking for financial gain but i do want some.of our parents things to keep it close for me and my kids as they have such sentimental value and memories of grandparents and parent(s).

  25. Joan  October 29, 2019 at 6:30 am Reply

    My mom and I have always had a difficult relationship. She was very neglectful to me as a child. I have much older siblings and a niece that was born when I was 6 who felt more like a sister. She was always my moms favorite and enjoyed rubbing in my face how perfect she was and how flawed I am. My dad kept mom in line during the later years he finally saw what was happening with his own eyes. But now he’s died and she is giving everything away but asks me last. She has also given my brother a big sum of money to dix his house but wouldn’t give my son the $1,000.00 my dad wanted him to have. She also gave my niece our family home at a way below market value. I’m so distraught over her snubs and hurt. She is also extremely mean to me. When she asked a family member if she wanted the family fine China before she asked me and that family member accepted it. That was the last straw. I’m done!

  26. Krissy  September 8, 2019 at 3:19 pm Reply

    This makes me terribly sad. I was hoping to find a solution to help my family make it through this terrible time but all I fell now is hopeless. Does anyone have any positive outcomes?

  27. Donald  June 18, 2019 at 4:43 am Reply

    My story is one of disbelief. A good friend of mine contacted me some two months ago informing me that his grilfriend of 7yrs was informed by doctors that she had two months to live. That she was dying. Sadden by the news he ask if I could move in with them because he needed help. I agreed only if I would pay rent and pay my own way during my stay. She pleeded with me to stay after her death and help my friend in dealing with her passing, to be there for him like the brothers we are. I agreed with some slight concerns about how things would play out after her passing. You see she paid cash for the townhouse one block off the beach in a very high in area. Financial holdings of over 300k, with a little under 10k a month income from verious scores. Coming from a family with money I have seen the greed if family members after death. I exspected the worst. The worst came in the form of a daughter that she has not communicated with for over 10yrs. Informed about her mothers death and the money she would be leaving behind she made a bee line for the beach. 1st vist which lasted a week her bank card came up missing when she and my friend went out drinking, without her for the first time during her vist making my friend believe he lost the card valued at 10k. Keep that figure in mind as I continue my story. This caused friction between my friend and his girl that continue to this day. When I came in from work he was angry because the daughter was not trying help in cancelling the card but being soooooo drunk at the time he was confused on what to do. I contacted a friend luckly were she banks gave him the information required (over hearing the daughter talking to her boyfriend about her coming home). The card was cancelled a new one issued and the daughter was not to happy about my involment. The following day the boyfriend shows up (13hr drive). After returning from work the following day I was informed by my friend that she was going to the bank the following day to take out hospital inkt to be drip off urchase a car for her daughter. Thankfully I thought, because she seemed to have lost her I. D. The bank would not allow her to take any money out. However, the daughter told her mother about a car she wanted to buy where she lived. The cost? You guessed it 10k. As my friend disagreed to the purchase she concided to his request. However, phone calls between the daughter and her resulted in her wanting to put my friend out asking him to leave. I intervined reasoning with her and relaxing the situation which was successful until the daughter returned the following week. When I came in from work I was informed that the daughter not the boyfriend is on her voint babk account, she is on the deed to the townhouse, and she gave her you guessed it 10k. During all this time her health was failing needing to go to the hospital, only to be dropped off at the hospital as they made there way out of town. She was hospitalized for several days and the daughter was to busy to come see her. My friend and are in consistant arugements, and the daughter is returning this weekend with one stipulation. That I stay in a hotel during there stay. My friend was convienced that he had nothing to worry about. She is dying very soon now and the daughter has come in a changed things for him in away that he might not recover. We are in our early 60s, the daughter 44. I got him, I do very well for myself she ask me to promise to be there for him and I will.

    • SIGH  December 4, 2021 at 4:55 pm Reply

      It is all in the paperwork, posession of items, and who gets there first. Suggest you act accordingly. Also day of funeral pay a private security firm while away to watch house. Relatives will bring moving truck and take all away.

  28. Laurie Wrighting  April 9, 2019 at 7:56 pm Reply

    My dad died 13/11/2016.My mum was visiting her daughter my half sister in the USA. Dad had not told anyone he had cancer.
    Before his death My mum and dad lived apart even though still married. He would visit her as and when, this went on for years.
    My dad fell out with my brother that summer after horrendous tantrums while on a holiday in Spain that my dad paid for. My brother a very self centred man who lives on his own,had very strong opinions on how dad should do things, as in with his rental property etc.. He would say “I will be sorting everything out, be the man of the family if dad died.”I used to ignore his ranting,
    My dad organised for my boys and I to stay in a hotel in his town so we can spend more than a day visiting him as he had no where for us to stay (he lived in a flat rented his other property). He set the date for October half term. I think he was gonna tell me what was happening but he left it too late the cancer got him.
    The Wednesday we found out he was in hospital,
    In the hospital my brother took over even to the point saying I don’t need to talk to doctors about dad as he was laying on in intensive care. My dad hadn’t even died yet my brother had put his watch on picked up his keys and wallet. I was in such a state I really didn’t think til later. He then started ringing my mum, who is In shock scared, confused and grieveing in USA telling her, A day after dad had died, I should go back home to my family as he was dealing with it and I was acting like a looney and upsetting him. I had said” we need to do this together” as in register his death etc.. Later I find out him and my mum had had conversations while she’s in USA days after dad’s death that he will do everything. My mum hadn’t even got back to the UK he had bullied mum while she’s in no fit state. He didn’t wait til mum got back to UK he went straight to my dad’s flat and his rental propertys. Burnt paper work. Then they both say there was no Will. A week later travels over to my dad’s clears flat without a word. Selling stuff to his mates. I just wanted something that was dad’s.Mum seemed to think this was totally OK he was just sorting it for her.
    This is only the beginning 2years on. My mum and Brother have stuck together like glue (bearing in mind over the years I have always been there for mum and dad . She’d stay at mine for weeks and I’d visit dad and mum a 8 hour round trip with my kids. Go up to her if she needed anything take her to hospital appointments which obviously I never even thought about til Dad died . My brother always said he was to busy and couldn’t afford to take a day off. Now he has been like a leech for two years staying with her for up to a month at one stage selling her house without any of the family knowing.. I have been shut out of everything . I have told them, gently and aggressively how I feel… its like talking to a brick wall. My half sister has been shut out too as she stepped in when my brother was found out on different occasions what he had been doing.
    I haven’t been able to properly grieve for dad as the hatred and anger plus waves of true discussed consume me about my brothers and my mums treatment of me. My brother I have heard has helped mum write her Will. He has taken all that was to take for himself. My dad was a musician he had lots of instruments. My youngest son plays sax we /he wasn’t given any. My brother sold them and kept the best for himself.
    I believe grief can affect us all in different ways but this is beyond behaviour I ever thought acceptable. Grief is also an opportunity for hurting innocent people /family in his case. I have lost my dad but also my mum and brother.

  29. Jerry Bundy  September 29, 2018 at 12:44 pm Reply

    Wow this is Exactly what happen to My FAMILY,, foster brooks and Rodey McDowell .. Were bears and carred my grandmother’s coffin.. This is a matter i was lied to about my familys estate. The reality was it was my. Mothers . if you like you my read the LA Times in 1987 step daughter maryann hayden killed step father for financial gain eddie gay was his name. So my cousin got everything, because of what the estate said its a big lie he was coached .. Im still fighting this she won’t even give me a family anything of memories.. Hope this made sence.. But this is happening to me. There is much more to the story.

  30. Lerato  May 10, 2018 at 4:15 am Reply

    My Husband passed away on 08 June 2017 2 days before my birthday, ever since my Husband was hospitalized I was not able to see my Husband this kids have been give me hell ever since, they were never there for their father now all of a sudden they are fighting me for His earthly possession, they even went to the High Court to contest my marriage certificate as in South Africa when lobola is paid to the bride family it is considered as customarily marriage it is valid. I opposed their court order and im still waiting for they response. my Husband was on a plan to draw up the will and I know what He wishes were if those kids only knew especially the other one the father said he must not even attend His funeral because she was to rude to Him calling Him a drunkard but what she did she was the one who signed the notice of death at the hospital. But God will always fight for me and my Husband will take good care of as well. I always asked myself when are these kids finding time to grief & mourn because i’m griefing & mourning for my late Husband with respect 7 love as we loved each other very much. when I say kids I’m talking about age34( married),26,27 years old girls

  31. Lerato  May 10, 2018 at 4:15 am Reply

    My Husband passed away on 08 June 2017 2 days before my birthday, ever since my Husband was hospitalized I was not able to see my Husband this kids have been give me hell ever since, they were never there for their father now all of a sudden they are fighting me for His earthly possession, they even went to the High Court to contest my marriage certificate as in South Africa when lobola is paid to the bride family it is considered as customarily marriage it is valid. I opposed their court order and im still waiting for they response. my Husband was on a plan to draw up the will and I know what He wishes were if those kids only knew especially the other one the father said he must not even attend His funeral because she was to rude to Him calling Him a drunkard but what she did she was the one who signed the notice of death at the hospital. But God will always fight for me and my Husband will take good care of as well. I always asked myself when are these kids finding time to grief & mourn because i’m griefing & mourning for my late Husband with respect 7 love as we loved each other very much. when I say kids I’m talking about age34( married),26,27 years old girls

  32. Becky  March 16, 2018 at 3:55 pm Reply

    My mom passed away 4 months ago…she was my best friend and always made me feel better. I have 3 older siblings who have now decided that I should not be able to have any of my mom’s possessions because they believe I will hand down to my daughter (who is a recovering alcoholic and not to mention was probably closer to her grandma than anyone). My older siblings have all had their share of time not talking to my mom…3 months before she died of cancer one of my siblings even told her that our step mom was a better mother then she was. I was her constant…I never went more then 2 days without talking to her…called her everyday…. I don’t understand them when they say I don’t deserve anything of my mom’s….can someone help because I’m really falling apart here…

    • SIGH  December 4, 2021 at 4:59 pm Reply

      Get it before they do. Take just some. Not all. Sounds like you will get little if wait.

  33. Becky  March 16, 2018 at 3:55 pm Reply

    My mom passed away 4 months ago…she was my best friend and always made me feel better. I have 3 older siblings who have now decided that I should not be able to have any of my mom’s possessions because they believe I will hand down to my daughter (who is a recovering alcoholic and not to mention was probably closer to her grandma than anyone). My older siblings have all had their share of time not talking to my mom…3 months before she died of cancer one of my siblings even told her that our step mom was a better mother then she was. I was her constant…I never went more then 2 days without talking to her…called her everyday…. I don’t understand them when they say I don’t deserve anything of my mom’s….can someone help because I’m really falling apart here…

  34. sk  October 18, 2017 at 3:06 pm Reply

    on the 2nd of Aug this year i responded to a whatsapp message that my grandmother was having breathing diffulties.I had spoken to her around 7am where she indicated that she would let me know if the breathing became more difficult – but she was fine.That message came in at around 1215pm.That 20min drive seemed longer and when i got to my uncle’s place she was covered in a bed sheet – gone!She chose to sleep outside the house under a tree, and just died!
    I am so hurt and feel responsible for not taking her to the hosp in the morning- she was just 69, to me that wasn’t old.I hoped she could live longer and i could get time to do things for her and fetch her to visit my place that Friday.
    I am so hurt and can’t get over the loss.
    how do i get over such guilt and accept that she is gone?

    • sk  October 18, 2017 at 3:08 pm Reply

      My eldest uncle is already chicking the step grandkids that my granny stayed with for years.He says the house is his.There are two other kids that my granny had.I am upset but as a grankid not sure what my right in this is.I have my own properties and am married with my own kids.

    • SIGH  December 4, 2021 at 5:01 pm Reply

      She probably chose to die exactly where she did. Much better to pass under a tree looking at sky then in a hospital room.

    • Diane  May 19, 2023 at 5:16 pm Reply

      When my mother-in-law passed,she had her boyfriend be executor.That was fine,as she knew how oldest would be…but not as bad as it got! She had 2 sons.Oldest decides,as he’s coming from another state,to stay in her house until estate is settled. She had in her will,the boyfriend got her fancy car,$5000.00 cash,and any personal items he wanted( tools,paintings,etc.) which he did quickly before oldest got here.Left utilities in house running for V the son,be good to not have the house left empty. So oldest gets here..his 2nd ex wife decides” get back together”,see what I can get” time.So next couple weeks they proceed to go through EVERYTHING….packed up what they wanted and took it to her mother’s for storage. When my husband and I come for meeting (we lived in same city as she)with them and executor for will reading,all the dresser drawers had been emptied onto beds.And as will stated,room by room,oldest pick,then youngest got pick in room. I took notes..who ” picked” what.When it came to bedrooms and stuff on beds, ALOT of things missing! This ” divide” equally between two WASN’T!! Things on beds consisted of crocheted by her, her grandmother and mother items. ..Doilies,tablecloths,sheer drapes,bedding etc.The ex had already removed what she wanted,as did executor,and what was left on beds,she still” picked,” her half! No big deal,I just KNEW what was supposed to be there.I still got some but it was the before we got there stuff was getting to me. She isn’t this beautiful,mind if I take this one act..through everything in house.That’s done.The house itself was to be sold,outstanding bills paid,executor $5,000.00, funeral,headstone,” expenses..THEN left over money divided in half. Well..this part took 2 years to settle estate,only because of big brother!HE decided house was worth much more than bank appraisal,wanted another done..can you ” hear” expenses adding up and subtracting?? Did we want to ” buy” the house? We talked about all that at home privately and decided yes. So,brother gets another ” outsider” appraisal,less than bank’s..he’s mad..kept calling his mother’s lawyer( estate lawyer) well every minute you talk to a lawyer costs money!! Oldest got it into his head that the youngest was getting far more than him!! He was ” getting” the house AND 1/2 the money!! We did NOT inherit the house,we had to buy it off the market (full appraised value)PLUS borrow to pay oldest his 1/2 of ” money”. Oldest could NOT get that through his head…2 years of lawyers,phone calls,arguing…He decided he needed to move up here from Georgia to make sure we didn’t move in the house before he signed off on it!! He was so far in debt from first and second wife,he tried to borrow from his mother’s credit union to buy a better house than youngest was ” getting”. Once credit union got involved,they made it through court that he got NO cash til his outstanding debts were paid AND ex’s bills. he inherited,Hear the numbers clicking?? He had his car loan,2nd ex’s car loan and 1/2 expenses yet from funeral.Lawyer had 2 years of ” extraordinary extra expenses,executor ” automatically” gets a fee for his services, above the $5000.00 in will. Only thing we complained about was the 2nd appraisal fee,thought oldest should have to pay appraisal was already in the list of debts,why should we have to pay half of second one? We only had a three minute conversation once with the lawyer..that was day she called us to say oldest had signed off on house,we could move in!! Oh no..did NOT end there!! He always the ” you got the house AND money”argument with my husband til the day oldest died in 20014.Mother died in 1987,we moved in 1989..and by this time he had my husband believing that if anything happened to him that I NOT be able to stay in house cuz my husband had inherited it! COULD NOT get it into either of their heads that we had bought ” A HOUSE” off the market..was in both our names and on top of all that it was MY credit rating that got the house money and oldest’s 1/2 in the first place!! Can’t tell you how many times I wished we had bought a different house! Oldest ended up buying a used trailer,that his 2nd ex wouldn’t live in,so she divorced him again!(All her debts had been paid off at the bank..she gone!) That just drove him crazy that the youngest came out better off than him! Meanwhile,we are the ones with the mortgage forward( aren’t you glad?) to 2022,my husband dies. His will and mine,surviving spouse gets all. No children ,house paid off in 15 years..THEN phone calls start from oldest’s three adult kids!! Wanna come to their ” Gramma’s” house..Uncle promised me this or that”…told them ALL, straight up..this is MY house..if my husband didn’t write it in his will,I’m not obligated to honor promises he made if I didn’t know beforehand. That they didn’t get anything when their dad died ,his 3rd surviving wife wouldn’t have anything to do with them or give them any of his possessions! She got a $100,000.00 life insurance policy and nothing for kids.She paid all funeral expenses,sold trailer,paid for headstone,etc..all done,She moved back in with her parents…they came up here( all out of state) and harassed,and pounded on her door until she gave each $5000.00 to never bother her again.What’s funny about any of this is that over the years,pictures of their kids,in their the backgrounds are MANY of the items from” Gramma’s house”…lol.. Things she ” musta gotten rid of ” or boyfriend took” or ” dunno where that went”…curtains(sheets I bought for Gramma) this day,none of them know I KNOW those parts.:-) Material things oldest picked were probably worth much less than my husbands picks anyway( wood vs plastic)….no biggie ,except the behavior of relatives when loved ones die! Incomprehensible to me…that NOW is the time they are so ” concerned” or “worried “about I’m starting to get some of that from MY side..” think” I have all this money all of a substantially LESS actually! My retirement consists of MY Social Security and MY work pension..lost all his benefits when he died.Still have to exist( food,utilities,vehicle upkeep and gas) and of course property taxes still…out of 5 siblings,ONE,oldest brother, came to funeral and back for military honors…had no one help pay any of funeral expenses or,zilch,nada,..not even a card!! My brother put in a check,which I returned,VOIDED, in his birthday card! Told him it meant more to me that he CARED enough to be here…twice!! That I had someone to hold me up when they played taps and bagpiper faded over the hill.. Husband was former Marine..dress blues,gun salute,flag presentation..he got what he stood for and wanted people to know he honored his oath since day he took it in 1969! Basically,I coulda just said” what happens to people/ relatives when there’s a death”??! But it don’t end!! Been almost 8 months,only calls are wanting some ” THING”… obligatory” how ya doin” that has no concern behind it… I just keep telling myself that I have no control of what they do or say,I can only control ME and MY reactions ,what I say. Got the second half payment due of headstone today,picture of it installed at cemetary…gotta love this part..if NOT paid in full within 30 days,they go back and get the stone!! Remove it from cemetary until paid in full!! Is it ME??Thanx for listening,helped me alot to get it out of me..done collecting junk I don’t need!! Awee..neighbor’s mowing my yard!! God does send angels when ya need them!!

  35. sk  October 18, 2017 at 3:06 pm Reply

    on the 2nd of Aug this year i responded to a whatsapp message that my grandmother was having breathing diffulties.I had spoken to her around 7am where she indicated that she would let me know if the breathing became more difficult – but she was fine.That message came in at around 1215pm.That 20min drive seemed longer and when i got to my uncle’s place she was covered in a bed sheet – gone!She chose to sleep outside the house under a tree, and just died!
    I am so hurt and feel responsible for not taking her to the hosp in the morning- she was just 69, to me that wasn’t old.I hoped she could live longer and i could get time to do things for her and fetch her to visit my place that Friday.
    I am so hurt and can’t get over the loss.
    how do i get over such guilt and accept that she is gone?

    • sk  October 18, 2017 at 3:08 pm Reply

      My eldest uncle is already chicking the step grandkids that my granny stayed with for years.He says the house is his.There are two other kids that my granny had.I am upset but as a grankid not sure what my right in this is.I have my own properties and am married with my own kids.

  36. Joy  August 15, 2017 at 5:23 pm Reply

    Great article. My husband passed away 7-16-16 and his Mom passed away 8-21-16 without a will. My husband’s family told us we , my son and I who at the time was 16 got nothing. There are 4 siblings left to divide her stuff. Me and my husband’s brother went to court against the 3 sisters. Still nothing has been done as I write this, still tied up in court. His family whom I have been a part of for 30 years does not talk to me or my son. They don’t know if we are alive or dead. I cannot stress enough how bad this has hurt my son and I. No amount of money can make up for the hurt. So yes it is sad that material things can tear a family apart. So basically when I buried my husband, I buried them too. Life is short and you take nothing with you. I cannot stress enough to please make a will. Get your affairs in order for your loved ones. Nothing has been worth what my son and I have been through. Them being there for my son and I would have meant more to us than any money or material possessions. Love one another and be kind.

    • Clare  September 17, 2017 at 3:16 pm Reply

      I am not sure what country you live in but I am fairly certain that in Britain if you were legally married, you would inherit everything from your husband if he left no will. His siblings claims would be irrelevant, and carry no weight in law. If you were not married however, the situation is completely different, no matter how long you have been together. You would not inherit anything if there was no will, but your son would be regarded as his heir, not his siblings. If he is under the age of majority, his inheritance would be put in trust for him.

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