Sending flowers to a funeral is a customary--I'm not here to knock it. I know that sometimes flowers are the perfect gesture after a death. But when my dad died, there were more flower arrangements at the funeral home than we could count.
We were overwhelmed by the support of friends and family that those flowers represented. But i'll be honest, it would also have been nice if these gestures were in the form of something that wouldn't also die in a matter of a few days. But what to send to a funeral, if not flowers? That is the question.
With my personal aversion to giving flowers after a loss, I've started an informal collection of ideas for alternatives to send to a funeral to show you care. This is just a start, so if you have other ideas of what to send to a funeral instead of flowers please leave a comment. We want as comprehensive a list as possible.
Check for an “in lieu of flower”
Sometimes families have already told you what you can do. Check the obituary, funeral home website, or call the funeral home to ask if the family has offered an “in lieu of flowers” suggestion.
Though this post may not sound like it, I am actually a plant lover! A tree or shrub the family can plant in memory of their loved one is a nice lasting memorial.
Consider whether the family has a space for a tree or shrub and pick one that you feel would make a nice memorial. There are many beautiful memorial stones you can find here on the With Sympathy Gifts website. Even if a tree may be too much, these garden stones are a nice gift on their own.
An Unconventional Sympathy card, Handwritten note, or Trinket:
If you're like me, you like the idea of sending a card or a note, but you don't want to send the same old generic Hallmark card. First things first, handwritten notes from scratch are often the most thoughtful. If you're not sure what to say, check out our post, How to Write a Sympathy Card.
However, if you aren't much with words, there are companies out there with relatable card options. You also might want to check out Emily McDowell Studios card collection.
Photos the Family Doesn’t Have
Many times as a friend or extended family member you may have photos that the immediate family does not have. If this is the case, could you put together a memorial album or CD of photos the family doesn’t have of their loved one? As the weeks and months pass they will likely be glad to have as many pictures as possible.
A Self-Care Gift
One of the most difficult things for people when they are dealing with the death of a family member is taking care of themselves. Giving someone a gift such as a gift certificate for a massage, manicure, or even a private yoga class (some instructors will come to your home) is a nice gesture that may help them take time for themselves.
A self-care basket could also be nice if you don’t think they will be up for going out (think nice pajamas, bath items, a candle, a magazine, DVD etc). Take the person who has experienced the loss into account when deciding what to do – if they love movies or baseball, tickets to a game or a movie gift card may be more appropriate.
We love these "Here for You" Self-Care grief packages that are ready to go and even come with your choice of cute sympathy card. We also love that they support WYG if you find them from here!
A Dedication or Donation
Consider a dedication or donation that will reflect the life of that person or your relationship with them. The options for this are endless. If this is a friend from high school or college, make a memorial donation to that institution. Perhaps they were involved in a church or community organization. Call to see if donations or dedications can be made.
If the individual had any interest, from sports to art to animals and anything in between, check for non-profits. You would be surprised how many wonderful non-profits are connected to all sorts of interests and hobbies. Most places will send an acknowledgment to the family that a donation was made in memory. Just make sure to ask and provide the family member’s address.
A Memorial Guestbook
This is not just any guestbook! The Guestbook Store sells a customized memorial guestbook where those who attend a memorial service can sign not just their name, but also share a memory of the person and a special message to the family.
The service is often a blur for families, so having this book will allow guest to share memories and messages that the family will be able to look back on later. Click here to check out their memorial book!
If your co-worker has lost someone and you are looking for an alternative to flowers, perhaps you could donate a day of leave. Most companies only offer a couple of days of bereavement time and, if their loss was not immediate family, they may receive no leave time at all.
Donating a day can mean the difference between someone having to return to work the day after a funeral versus having a day or two to rest before returning to work. Check with your HR department to see if your company allows this and what the process is.
Something For the Kids
One of the first questions people will ask after a loss is how the children who were affected are doing. And yet, people rarely think to send or give items to the kids. Children often feel forgotten with all the attention around the death and the funeral. Any small gift can remind them that you are thinking of them.
Think of the age and interest of the children. A stuffed animal (to cuddle with for comfort), a journal (to express feelings), coloring books, activity books, movies, or video games (to occupy themselves when everyone else is busy) are all easy suggestions that will let a child know you haven’t forgotten them.
When a loved one is ill or dies, housework (understandably) gets put on the back burner. Realistically, that often continues for weeks or months as a person grieves. Immediately following a loss, friends and family often stop by the house and, for some, it can be a big source of stress if the house hasn’t been cleaned up.
A gift certificate to a cleaning service can be a relief to the family. You could offer to clean their home, but keep in mind that many people are self-conscious about their mess and would rather have a stranger do this than a friend. So a gift certificate (with an offer to handle scheduling if they need that) is a great option.
Lawn Care Service
Similar to the above suggestion, many times the person who has died was the person who mowed the lawn or took care of other outside needs. Even if this is not the case, taking care of those things can be an unnecessary stressor for the family. A gift certificate to a lawn care service is a thoughtful and useful gesture. Even better, throw in an offer to call and get it scheduled for them!
Book of Letters
One gesture we've found incredibly meaningful is organizing friends to compile a book of letters. This is common when there are young children impacted by the loss. Friends can write letters to the children about their parent, grandparent, or another family member. However, children aren't the only ones who can benefit from this gesture. For example, a book of letters to a parent about their adult child can be extremely meaningful. There are often many things their child has done and the lives they have touched that the parents are unaware of.
This type of book is minimal in cost (all you need is a nice binder and possibly some page protectors, or a bound book that each person writes directly in). What it does require is a lot of effort and coordination in contacting friends and gathering the letters. This is a gesture many families will appreciate for years to come.
Food is a common gift to send instead of flowers (or in addition to flowers). We suggest it, but with caution! This probably requires its own post. For now I will just say be thoughtful about how, when, and what you bring if you decide on food.
After experiencing a death, families are often overwhelmed with food. In a few weeks after the death, a gift of food will probably be much more appreciated. That's when the casseroles they can barely fit in the freezer have stopped rolling in.
A nice basket of non-perishable foods can be nice, especially snacks they can offer to people who stop by unexpectedly. A good standby if you really want to stick with food may be a gift card to a local restaurant or carry out. Another nice offer would be to grab their grocery list and go shopping for them.
Practical Household Goods (packaged in a cute box!)
After a loss, you may find friends and family stopping by the house. And even if you don't, the thought of doing dishes can fill you with such dread that a mountain of dishes might appear overnight. Here For You also has great boxes of household items a grieving person will often not have the time or energy to stock up on after a loss. They are all packaged in a beautiful box with your choice of sympathy card, to boot. We love thoughtful, creative, and useful, so this ticks all the boxes. We love it and we also love that they support WYG if you find them here.
Flowers or Plants
If you decide flowers are the right thing for you to send, you can make this more thoughtful than a standard arrangement. First, think about the person who died. Is there a plant, flower, or color that reminds you of that person for any reason? If so, that may be a nice choice. If not, decide if you want to send flowers or a plant. The plant is something the family can keep, though not all families will want or appreciate that.
Also, consider whether there is a flower you have found particularly comforting. When we lost my dad someone sent an arrangement of white irises. It was so beautiful and, for whatever reason, I found it so comforting. Though I rarely send flowers after a death, when I do I always send white irises.
Buy your self a gift:
If you are looking for concrete, helpful ideas for being a good friend to a griever, don't miss our ebook: Guide to Supporting a Griever (without sticking your foot in your mouth). Don’t worry, it is cheap and jam-packed with helpful info (no angels, rainbows, inspirational quotes, or fluff — just helpful tips).
These are just a few things you can send to a funeral instead of flowers. If you are looking for ways to support someone after a death, check out our post How to Support a Grieving Family Member or Friend.
We wrote a book!
After writing online articles for What’s Your Grief
for over a decade, we finally wrote a tangible,
What’s Your Grief? Lists to Help you Through Any Loss is for people experiencing any type of loss. This book discusses some of the most common grief experiences and breaks down psychological concepts to help you understand your thoughts and emotions. It also shares useful coping tools, and helps the reader reflect on their unique relationship with grief and loss.
You can find What’s Your Grief? Lists to Help you Through Any Loss wherever you buy books: