Mother’s Day Grief: Life without a mother’s love

Most parents with young children have some kind of a nighttime routine. My own household is far from regimented, but we do usually operate within the same general framework. Each night there is typically some sort of winding down activity like books or a quiet television show before I shuffle my two daughters off to sleep. Without fail I have to go back and forth between the girl’s beds giving them each a grand total of two goodnight kisses and as I leave the room Ginny always says, “Mama? Can you check on us and send Daddy up?”

The other night I was feeling sentimental, so instead of corralling them into their own beds I lay down with them in mine. As I lay in the middle with a little girl on each side, they wrapped their arms around me and snuggled their warm bodies in as close as possible. Before long a calm washed over me as their breathing became a rhythmic purr, and in one of those not quite awake but not quite asleep moments my mind drifted back 25 years to a dim bedroom in my childhood home.IMG_8749 bw

My father travelled often and there were a few decades where my mother had a handful of young children to tuck into bed all on her own. It was not uncommon for her to kill two birds with one stone by laying down with two kids in the same bed. It’s a scene I can picture clearly. There is a sliver of hallway light peeking into a dark bedroom with white walls and blue carpet. I see me, my brother and my mother in a queen-sized bed being lulled to sleep by the ambient night music of a box fan. I can picture the arc of my mother’s arm around me as she fell asleep and I prattled on about my 7 year old thoughts. Every once in a while I would abruptly ask, “Are you still listening? and she would pretend she had been awake all along even though I knew it wasn’t true.

Some nights when she had something to do, like prepare her preschool lesson for the next day or fold laundry, she would sit outside in the hall instead. Her presence in the brightly lit hallway made me feel reassured and safe knowing I’d barely have to yell if I needed her.

She spoiled us this way, which I guess is why I dreaded spending nights away from her until far later than my peers. I failed sleepover attempt after sleepover attempt, the moment of regret settling in right around the time someone else’s mother came to tuck me in. A lump would form in my throat as I realized how far away from home I was. No amount of nurturing from the household’s parent could fill the pit in my stomach; I wanted my mom and there was no suitable replacement.

When you’re fortunate enough to have an affectionate and nurturing mother, you never stop craving her kind of love. She’s the only one who can make you feel it. After she’s gone you futiliy search to fill her void, but you’re trying to solve a riddle with no answer.

I was an independent adult for many years before my mother died. I no longer needed her, but the security of knowing she was alive in the world certainly allowed me to sleep better at night. When she died it was like a meteor hit; my foundation shook, I lost the things that were her, and I was left with a huge un-fillable crater.

Motherly love is a story that has no end. As long as there are good mothers, there will always be children who crave their unique kind of tenderness. I will never again be on the receiving end of my mother’s motherly love, but I am now the source of my daughters. I try to fill their little world with tenderness and care but sometimes it makes me sad knowing that someday they will likely know what it’s like to yearn for me. But as Queen Elizabeth once said, “Grief is the price we pay for love”, and frankly – love is worth it.

Mother’s Day can be a pretty painful day for those grieving the death or absence of their mother. Mothers Day Grief can bring up feelings of longing, yearning, sadness, loneliness, depression, anger, bitterness, alienation and despair. For many the day becomes about just getting through. Obviously there is no replacement for your mother this Mother’s Day, but there are constructive ways to deal with the day that might make you feel closer to her memory and to the people in your life. If you choose to ignore the day all together, we support you; just try and stay away from methods that would be classified as ‘negative coping’. Also, check out our most recent post on Mother’s Day Grief.

If you decide to lay low:

Turn off the TV: Mother’s Day themed advertising and programming ranges from slightly agitating to rage inducing for those grieving the loss of their mother. You probably wouldn’t like me if you knew the terrible things I yell at my television when it stupidly airs Mother’s Day commercials, just terrible.

Skip the Mother’s Day brunch: If your prone to bitterness on Mother’s Day it might be best to avoid places like brunch or the mall, where Mother’s Day activities traditionally take place.

Plan a constructive and time consuming activity: Mother’s Day avoidance is the perfect excuse to get your spring gardening done, cook meals for the upcoming week, or clean out your closet. Put on your head phones, get to work and before you know it the day will be almost over.

Plan a self-care day: Pick a few activities from our list of 64 Self Care Ideas for Grievers

If you want to focus on your loved ones:

Spend time with the other fabulous women in your life: Why not take the day to celebrate women in general? Many of the things we celebrate on Mother’s Day are in praise of traits, qualities, roles and responsibilities that many of the women in your life likely posses.

Teach your children something your mother taught you: This Mother’s Day activity reaches across three generations and provides you with the perfect opportunity to bring your mother into your relationship with your kids. It provides natural opportunities to talk about your mother with your kids and helps you to feel close to her memory.

Focus on your wife/sister/motherly friends (for the motherless guys): Make this Mother’s Day special for another woman in your life.

Focus on your children: Truthfully, the only reason I really participate in Mother’s Day is for my kids. I don’t want them to forever associate this day with me bitterly moping around. This doesn’t mean that I don’t tell them Mother’s Day makes me sad, I am very open about this. But I also let them know the joy being their mother brings and I don’t even need to fake it when I gush over whatever trinket they’ve made for me.

Say thank you to your dad or another role model in your life: Mother’s Day is about showing appreciation for those who have sacrificed for us and molded us. So your mother isn’t here, why not take this opportunity to thank others who have guided you. In a family, the father or an eldest sibling often takes on motherly roles and responsibilities after the mother dies. You might never have thought to thank this someone for their willingness to step into very large shoes, let Mother’s Day be your reason to speak up.

Send a card to another mother: Are there other mothers who you admire? A friend, aunt, in-law, or neighbor? Send them a Mother’s Day card and let them know you think they’re doing a great job.

Band together with those who are grieving your mother: Misery loves company and, better yet, maybe you’ll end up having fun and sharing meaningful memories.

Find gratitude:In last years Mother’s Day post I challenged our readers to find simple things to be grateful for. This is always a beneficial exercise when you’re feeling low, so look around and acknowledge that which is good.

If you want to spend time with your mother’s memory:

Spend time in a place where you feel close to your mother’s memory: This could be anywhere – at church, her grave, the ocean – it doesn’t matter.

Spend time looking at photos or items from your mother: Most of us have a ‘mom box’ of sorts where we keep old cards, letters, photos, and other items. Spend a little time reminiscing and going through these things.

Have a ‘mom’ movie marathon: I would watch old musicals and Tammy and Bachelor movies. What were your mother’s favorite movies? Which movies did you see together? Rent two or three movies, get some snacks and invite someone over to watch with you.

Write a letter to your mother and update her on all that’s happened since her death: Obviously you won’t be able to send this letter, but sometimes writing to deceased loved ones can be therapeutic and help to continue your bond with them.

Do something that would have made your mother smile: Ride a roller-coaster, eat an ice cream sundae, volunteer your time, or read a book. What ever you do, allow yourself to enjoy it just as your mother would have.

Alright folks, just a few more days until Mother’s Day; we’re here for you now, then and hopefully forever. Please don’t forget to stay connected by subscribing to receive posts straight to your Email inbox.

If you’re worried about making it through Mother’s Day this year, check out our free self-guided eCourse on Managing Grief on Holidays and Special Days.

May 8, 2017

12 responses on "Mother's Day Grief: Life without a mother's love"

  1. I have had many Mothers Days without my mum. The first only weeks after she died. Its now six months since my son died and will be two weeks since my grandson was born. My daughter now a mother. My first Mother’s Day without my son is screaming at me and yet there’s my daughter and her wish to celebrate this day without grief. How love and pain sit right alongside each other.

  2. Thank you,frist mothers day without my best friend,IN fact lost both parents last year,and my job closed as well,mom kept it all together. Then it was all gone.But God has plans for me and a new life,so I must trust him.but the hole in my heart,still hurts,but I have found a good counselor.

  3. Thank you so much for your suggestions to honor others in the absence of our mothers on Mother’s Day. I choose to remember my deceased husband who loved me and taught me so much about life.

  4. Thank you for this, I am weeping, the words in this post touched my inner soul, I lost my lovely Mum four and half months ago…that crater, the void, the hole, it feels so huge, the gap she has left is immense, I miss her soo much, some days are better than others, your posts are so very comforting and reassuring, thank you Eleanor xxx

  5. Thanks so much for this post. One of my favorite tips was teaching your kids something your mom taught you. Trying to figure what fun delicious recipe I might teach our kids and grand kids from my mom’s recipe box. What’s Your Grief- keep the encouragement coming!

  6. This is the 7th year I have had to endure Mother’s Day without my 26 year old son. People’s well intentioned cheery Happy Mother’s Day greetings are painful yet. I have two other loving children, but it is the absence of my son that continues to hurt. I love your site and blogs, recently introduced to them by another grieving mother. Please write sometime on Mother’s Day from our perspective. I looked to your site for some words of comfort. There seemed to be one tweet but you couldn’t access it without a twitter account.

    • I’m sorry we haven’t addressed this to a helpful degree. Many of the suggestions we have laid out for coping on Mother’s Day could be applicable but I understand wanting something to address your specific needs. Here is the link to the article we referenced in our Twitter post and Litsa and I are on the lookout for any other helpful resources: http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/1511543

  7. The website http://www.AfterTalk.com was created to facilitate writing to deceased loved ones as a form of continuing bonds grief therapy. It is completely free to use, and anything you write is private. There is a facility for sharing what you write with individuals you select, e.g., family members and grief counselors, but this is no Facebook where all the world can see what you write. AfterTalk is both free and non-denominational.

  8. Beautifully said: “When you’re fortunate enough to know what it’s like to have an affectionate and nurturing mother, you never stop craving her kind of love. She’s the only one who can make you feel it and once she’s gone, you search to fill her void until finally realizing you’re trying to solve a riddle with no answer.” Thank you Eleanor 🙂

  9. I am a mother who lost a child 5 months ago. Would be nice to see one of your fabulous pieces about mothers who lost children, how do we cope on mothers day. Thank you.

  10. Thank you for posting this. This will be my second Mother’s Day without my mom and my first Mother’s Day as a mother. My mom passed away in an accident last year when I was 5 months pregnant with my first child and while I spend each day indulging in the little love that is my son, I am also constantly missing my mom. I ignored Mother’s Day last year but this year my husband, my father and my brothers all want to celebrate Mother’s Day for me. I am hoping we can reclaim the day as a family. I will always miss my mom and this day may always make me sad, but as you say, I will celebrate it for my son and because my mom believed in family above all else. Thank you again. Your blog helps me in many ways.

  11. Just beautiful, thank you.

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