Grief After Abortion: healing from unspoken loss

Types of Grief and Loss / Types of Grief and Loss : Litsa Williams

For further articles on these topics:

There are posts that we write here on WYG that travel like wildfire.  In the course of a day or two we see the reach on social media climb, people commenting, sharing and resharing.  We love it, because it reminds us that grievers want to help other grievers.  They want to share help and support and let others know they are not alone.  Color me a pessimist, but I have a strong feeling that today’s post will NOT be one of those posts.  I have that feeling despite the fact that today's post topic touches over a million women in the US every year.   Why?  Because unfortunately today's topic is one that is so entrenched in politics and rhetoric that as a society we are often scared to utter the word, to talk about the experience, to acknowledge the emotions, to support one another.  Our fear that even a mention of the A-word will bring an onslaught of comments, attacks and hurt feelings keeps even helping professionals quiet, to the detriment of those who silently suffer.

Whether you are a woman who has had an abortion or a woman who knows someone who has, millions of men and women are impacted by abortion.  The bad news is, despite the huge number of people impacted by abortion (over a million men and women every year in the US), only small subset are sharing their experiences.  The good news is, a small subset are sharing their experience and the abortion grief resources are slowly growing.  This post is not about politics or religion.  It is not about opinions or beliefs.  It is about doing what we value most here at WYG: helping anyone struggling with the pain of any type of loss to find support.

Where do we  begin?

With a disclaimer, of course!  Just like any experience of loss, the emotions after an abortion will differ from person to person.  There is no normal, so don't freak out if your experience isn't what you expected, or didn't look like the post-abortion experience of someone else you know.  This post is about considering the huge range of experience women may have, knowing that you may have all, some, or none of what we discuss.  And that's okay.

Ok, now where do we really start?

You can’t talk about grief after abortion without talking first about pregnancy.  It may seem unnecessary, because the assumptions is that the grief comes from the termination of that pregnancy, not the pregnancy itself.  But the reality is that many of the complex emotions women are left to cope with begin as soon as a woman learns (or even suspects) she is pregnant.  In the case of an unplanned pregnancy, this is when the fear, confusion, anger, blame, conflict, guilt, shame, isolation, and anxiety often begin.  When a pregnancy is unplanned or unwanted women are often in crisis, feeling overwhelmed by emotions, alone in their coping, and yet facing a tremendous decision.

Rather than having time to process feelings, in cases of unplanned pregnancies women often struggle to make this life-changing decision in a short time frame, while overcome with emotions, and without support.  Women often report fears around sharing the feelings about their unwanted pregnancy, assuming others will be unable to relate and will judge them.  Ironically, data shows that 1 in 2 women have had an unwanted pregnancy.  1 in 2!  With stats like that you would think there would be a more open dialogue about the experience of unwanted pregnancies and tools for coping.  Unfortunately, at a time when it may be especially helpful to have the time to process emotions, think through decisions, and seek support from others we are often left feeling alone with pressing time constraints to make a decision.  In some instances, women share their feelings and find the stigma and judgment they feared, only encouraging them not to seek further external support.

So before we even begin looking at the emotions that can impact someone grieving after an abortion, go back to the feelings that began before the abortion took place.  Start a journal, talk to someone, create art - whatever works for you to acknowledge the feelings that came up with the pregnancy itself.  Take the time you may not have had then to think about how you felt supported, how you didn’t, what emotions were impacting you at the time, what practical needs were impacting you, etc.

Where do we go next?

Give yourself the right to grieve.  One struggle with abortion is that it is a disenfranchised loss, meaning it is a loss that society doesn’t always validate.  You can read all about disenfranchised grief here, and I would strongly recommend you check that post out before continuing.  Understanding disenfranchised loss is (in my estimation) crucial to understanding the experience of an abortion.  For those who don’t like prerequisites, here is the gist: in the case of abortion one of the commonly reported feelings is that people don’t feel they have the same right to grieve the loss because it was their choice or because of the judgment and stigma around abortion.  It is important to remember that, though this loss is not identical to other losses, that does not mean it is not a valid loss.  It is an experience that you have the right to grieve.  It is part of you and your story and it is your right to feel, process, and integrate every emotion that comes with that, the good, the bad, and the complicated.

 Got it. Now what?

Find a mental and emotional space to be with your personal experience, apart from the politics of the discussion.   This is easier said than done, because there is no question our emotions are often intertwined with the politics of abortion.  Even the word abortion can be hard for many women.  In her book C.P.R: Choice Processing and Resolution, Trudy Johnson renames abortion VPT (voluntary pregnancy termination), arguing that the “A-word” brings up so many charged feelings due to its religious and political history that it is helpful to use the term VPT when reflecting on one’s personal experience, differentiating the personal journey from the politics.  Changing the language may help you, it may not.  But no matter what, finding the people and space to look at your experience in an individual, personal and unique way is the first step in seeing yourself apart from the abortion rhetoric.

Understood.  What’s next?

Identify feelings from after the abortion.  The good news?  A comprehensive review done of the psychological research shows having a legal abortion during the first trimester of a pregnancy does not “pose a psychological hazard” for most women (Adler et all 1990).  The bad news?  That doesn’t mean you won’t experience grief after abortion and feel a range of complex emotions.  It may be in the short term, it may be in the long term.  Grief is not just one feeling, it is many feelings, and (as we have said many times before) it can feel like you’re going crazy (you’re not, so don’t panic!).  Research has shown that emotions after an abortion can range from sadness, relief, happiness guilt, anger, shame, to a range of other things (Adler et al).  So let's talk about some of those . . .


One of the most common emotions reported by women immediately following an abortion is actually relief.  According 2013 data, 90% of women feel relief, in fact.  Relief may sound like a good thing, if you were expecting something like guilt, sadness or regret to be the most common emotion.  But relief is actually quite complex.  On the one hand, relief is a positive.  It can help us feel reassured that we made a decision we can live with.  It can help us to feel hopeful and optimistic about moving forward.  At the same time, it can make us feel guilty, if we worry we shouldn’t be relieved.  Or, it leaves us feeling completely confused when we feel relief and concurrently feel sadness or isolation.  Those feelings may seem at odds, which can leave us feeling conflicted.  And, on top of that, the relief may subside and make way for other emotions.


Guilt is an important and valid feeling that follows many types of loss for many reasons.  In the case of abortion there may be unique feelings of guilt, as abortion is a decision deeply intertwined with our spiritual, ethical and political belief systems.  We have a whole post on guilt, so rather than rehashing I will direct you there to check it out. It include thoughts on guilt and also ideas for coping.  While you're at it, you can also check out our post on why you should never tell a griever (or anyone else) not to feel guilty.

In the case of abortion there may be especially complex feelings of guilt for some, if they feel the abortion compromised their spiritual, ethical or political values.  In these cases one must work through guilt on all of these levels, seeking forgiveness both from oneself, as well as from a church or a higher power.

For others there may be no guilt (or very little guilt).  In these cases some women feel great that they have no guilt.  Others report that their lack of guilt feels concerning, leaving them worried that they are avoiding in some way.  The reality is that some women never end up feeling intense guilt and that doesn’t mean you are avoiding or a bad person.  It means that, like so many other things with grief, we are all impacted differently.  If you feel no guilt early on does it mean you will never feel guilt?  Nope, it could come up down the road.  Does it mean it will definitely come up for you later?  Nope again.


As we explained in a post about overdose grief, there are many different ways you will see guilt and shame defined and contrasted against each other.  Here we mean this distinction as a contrast between a personal experience vs a relational experience.  Guilt is something we feel within ourselves, based on our own perception that we could or should have done in a certain situation. Shame is something we feel based on our perception that others think we could or should have done something differently.  In the context of abortion shame can be an even more prevalent emotion depending on one’s religion, politics, and support system.  As shame is deeply relational, it is important to consider your support system and understand how they impact you.  Need some help doing that?  No problem – we have a post for that!


With the combination of guilt and shame, isolation can become a prevalent emotion following an abortion.  Women often feel they are all alone, despite the fact that over a million women have an abortion every year.  Feeling alone and fear of judgment from others can cause many women to stay quiet about an unplanned pregnancy or an abortion.  You can probably see the vicious cycle – we feel alone and judged, so we don’t speak up, so then others feel alone and judged, and suddenly hordes of people are struggling in silence.

What can you do?  Check out that support system post again and consider opening up to friends and family.  This can be risky – we don’t know how friends and family will react.  It is important to be thoughtful about who you’re honest with and it is important to remember that some people you hope will support you may not.  Some people you never imagined will support you might be incredibly helpful. Take a look at this post on grief and loneliness for some other ideas on coping with isolation. If your own support system isn’t giving you what you need, consider a support group or hotline, where you may be able to connect with others going through something similar and talk to people without judgment.  Many women keep their abortions a secret for months, years, or decades and express a feeling of relief and connection when they finally come to a point that they can share their experience.


Regret can set in right away, down the road, or not at all.  Regret is a complicated emotion in any kind of loss, but has especially unique considerations with abortion.  Research has shown that a week after an abortion 41% of women felt regret, though 89% of those women who felt regret after their abortion still felt it was the right choice.  Regret is not limited to women who had an abortion.  In the same study statistics showed that 50% of women who were unable to have an abortion also felt regret.  And we know regret is common in many other types of losses. In a society that embraces the ‘no regrets’ mindset, it is important not simply to ignore or repress regret, but rather to spend time to understand regret and explore its impact.  Wondering where to start?  Check out our post and journaling activity on loving your regret.  Then check out our post on individual worth and forgiveness.


This is probably the most obvious emotion with any loss. The sadness of any type of grief can become overwhelming at times, despite being normal and natural.  Even when a woman feels confident in the decision she made, there still can be sadness about the loss of a future as a mother, with that child.  Grieving a potential future together is a unique type of loss, sometimes called a secondary loss, which you can learn more about here.  It is important to feel and acknowledge sadness, and accept that it is okay to feel this emotion despite the abortion being a choice.  Sadness can be confusing when it comes simultaneously with emotions like relief and happiness, but this is the reality and complexity of grief.

 Holy crap, that’s a lot of emotions.  Anything else I need to know?

Yup, there’s more.  Another important thing to keep in mind is that different emotions may arise at different times, some years later.  These emotions can come up for different reasons and in different ways.  For example, a woman may have an abortion because at the time she becomes pregnant she unable to care for a child.  Though she may grieve in some way immediately, later in life if she is in a position to support a child, or decides to have a child, she may find emotions arising again.  A woman who has children and decides to have an abortion may find at significant moments in the lives of her children she feels pangs of sadness or guilt.  Rather than ignoring these emotions when the arise, it is important to consider that the emotions of a loss may come back up and impact us in different ways at different times in life.  Things we never expect may trigger emotions we never expect at times we never expect, because that is how grief works.  You can check out more info on triggers here and here.

What about men?

This is a great question, and one I neglected to mention specifically in the first version of this article.  As you can imagine, if women are made to feel they don't have the right to grieve after abortion, men often feel this to an even greater extent.  Men can have all the same feelings as women after an abortion, with all the same challenges for grieving.  Layered on top of that is the unfortunate reality that men are often raised feeling less able to show emotions, feeling they have to stay strong.  On the site 'Men and Abortion' you can see some of the research on men's experience with abortion.  Dr. Arthur Shostak, a professor emeritus from Drexel University, began this reseach in 1983 and continued it in 1999.  In 1983-84 he surveyed a thousand men who accompanied women to an abortion procedure in 30 clinics in 18 states.  In 1999 he surveyed 905 men in 11 clinics in eight states and Vancouver, BC.  In both cases he self-financed his research, demonstrating the limitations in funding and academic interest in exploring this area.  His website and research provides some information and resources for men coping with an abortion. Additionally, there is a book on this topic by Dr. C.T. Coyle called Men and Abortion: A Path to Healing. I have not read this book, so I cannot give it an endorsement, but with the dearth of resources out there it seems worth a mention!

Any Last Thoughts?

Of course, I could go on all day.  But I won't.  Just want to mention that you may have had an abortion and not be feeling any of these crazy grief emotions.  It doesn't mean you are a bad person or that you are in denial or anything pathological.  Though many women struggle with complicated emotions after an abortion, there are plenty of women who do not.  You may find emotions arise later, you may not.  Each woman will have her own experience, unique to her.  There is no right or wrong.  It is for this reason that it can be helpful to read the experiences of other women who have had abortions.  If you are interested in reading the experience of other women, you can check out 26 abortion stories here in New York Magazine.  You can share your story and read other stories here, at the 1 in 3 website, named as a reminder that 1 in 3 women have an abortion by age 45, but so few women share their experience with others.  (a disclaimer about 1 in 3 is that they are pro-choice leaning, but encourages women to share their abortion experiences openly and honestly).  You can also share and read stories at Abortion Changes You. (A quick note, in 2008 the data was 1 in 3 women 18-45 have had an abortion. With increased awareness and access to birth control, abortion number have gone down. In 2014 that number was down to 1 in 4).

Where can I turn?

Finding resources that allow for a safe space to cope, free from the politics of abortion, can be difficult.  Many website, centers, and books have some sort of political or religious agenda (on either end of the spectrum) which can confuse a woman’s personal experience.  Like with any grief support, it is about researching any resource you explore and finding something that works for you.  Below are some resource that may be of help, but we would love to know what other resources are out there that have helped you.  Leave a comment to let use know!

Exhale is a hotline and website for women post-abortion.  They are part of the ‘pro-voice’ movement, which emphasizes allowing women space to talk about their personal experiences with abortion that is free from politics or stigma. They are a national hotline and offer support in multiple languages.

The Healing Choice is a book by two pyschotherapists about post-abortion healing, based on a combination of research and their experience working with women after an abortion.

Have something to add to the discussion?  Leave a comment to let us know!  And don't forget to subscribe to get our posts right to your email.

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357 Comments on "Grief After Abortion: healing from unspoken loss"

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  1. Someone  September 4, 2023 at 7:01 am Reply

    I think I’ve read this about 5 times now over the past 2 years just to reassure myself that I’m not crazy for the way I feel – the pain, regret and guilt is awful.
    For me; finding out I was pregnant should have been a joyous experience instead it was utter devastation as I wanted my pregnancy but I knew my ex partner didn’t (it would have caused great problems for him). So I did what I thought was best at the time and aborted at 5weeks.
    Nothing could have ever prepared me for the turmoil I now feel. The shame, the guilt, the regret, the immense sadness and loneliness is overwhelming.
    If I could take it all back I would in a heartbeat – but I guess I’m stuck dealing with my emotions on my own! But knowing that I’m not alone in this boat is comforting.

  2. Jade  September 16, 2022 at 1:51 am Reply

    At 25 yrs old I had my 3 oldest children already my youngest at the time was almost a year old, but I was very much in love with my ex and I enjoyed our kids. I was not on birth control at the time which he was well aware of, so when I found out I was pregnant again and told him I didn’t expect him to go straight to abortion. It wasn’t what I wanted at all, but that did not deter him from finding a clinic and him scheduling me an appointment. Which shouldn’t be allowed imo. The day I was scheduled to have the procedure it began snowing and in the south everything shuts down if it snows. So to my relief the clinic happened to be closed. I was around 10 weeks at that time, I did believe that this chance occurrence was my ticket out of this situation. I thought for sure since by now, since weeks have by that he would let it go since I’m beginning to show a little, which he made me hide from everyone. But he rescheduled again I was around 15/16 weeks when we finally got back to the clinic, and instead of his support while I went through this alienating experience, he drops me off with money and went get drunk at a bar until hours later I was finished and loopy and not happy. The drs and nurses and all the staff were very cold and detached it was a strange experience that only worsened how I felt already it was traumatizing. But yet I kept that secret and feelings to myself and he never said a word about it again. 13 years later and 6 years since we split those old feelings have begun to pop up randomly. When they do I usually end up messaging him everything I wanted to say then but felt disempowered to. A year after that experience I became pregnant again but I was very protective of me and the baby this time I told him I’m pregnant I don’t care if you leave over my Choice because I am keeping this baby. He didn’t argue with me but he also didn’t speak to me for 6 mths. We lived together and worked together at his family restaurant all that time but kept it to business talk only. I still carry resentment over this towards him but I allow myself to grieve and no longer feel the shame I originally had over it, and our last daughter is now 12 years old. Being forced into this feels very violating and makes you feel powerless.

  3. Debby  August 29, 2022 at 6:49 am Reply

    Hi Everyone,I don’t know if I really want to post this but I had an abortion more than a year ago to my ex boyfriend. He was 8years older than I am and I was just 19.
    I am a student then and currently still a student…When I was pregnant with his child,I told him what I’m i going to do because my parents are strict and will stop my schooling… The best option for me then was to have an abortion.

    My ex boyfriend left me all alone without texting,calling or even checking up on me through all I went through… Now it’s a year and 9months, he came back texting me you know he didn’t apologize well just a silly kind of apologies and told me he wants a deep relationship with me that he wants to see me.

    The pain of what he made me go through then still hurt my emotions till today without him been there with me and for… Now more than a year, he’s coming back telling me we need to see and he wants a deep relationship with me…

    What do you think guys?

    • Anonymous  September 19, 2022 at 7:09 pm Reply

      I’m sorry for what you went through. It’s not easy at all and you made the decision that you felt was best for you. I feel like you are much younger than him so for him to act in that way leaving you all alone is very immature and selfish of him. And yet he hasn’t come back with a serious apology, it’s not fair on you. Ultimately it’s up to you what you decide but no one deserves half arsed care/love, especially during life changing events, trauma, times where you really need them. He’s not worth it in my opinion. Anyway, good luck to you and I wish you happiness and healing x

  4. Anonymous  July 14, 2022 at 4:00 pm Reply

    Reading these stories has given me the courage to share mine.
    I went through a late pregnancy termination, reason being the guy did not want anything to do with the pregnancy cause he kept denying and telling me how he knows and trusts himself, regardless of the results.
    I have had an abortion before but it did not affect me as much as this one did. This is because I had to terminate this one at 4 months gestation and the fact that I got to see the foetus take its last breath, that was real psychological trauma. When I think about it most times, tears just run down my cheeks and I cant shake off the feeling of guilt and sadness that I did that to an innocent soul.
    Soon I will get over it all but for now, I grieve and due to this late termination, my perspective has changed a lot on so many things, men being one of them.
    I have a 7 year old daughter and sometimes I wonder what life would have been like had I not gone ahead with the termination.
    One thing I have learnt is that I cannot continue to blame myself because there were very many underlying issues that led me to do what I did, finances being the biggest factor. I am a single mom living paycheck to paycheck and it gets hard sometimes to be able to provide some basic needs for the living child.
    I just hope as time goes on I will learn to forgive myself and love myself once again.

    • Sierra  July 14, 2022 at 8:39 pm Reply

      I just read this and I really wish I was there with you to give you thee biggest hug in the world I’m so sorry you had to experience this PLEASE try to be easy on yourself you are doing your best.

  5. Vicky  May 28, 2022 at 3:22 am Reply

    This article has helped me in what has been a 24 hour roller coaster of extreme emotions out of the blue.

    Over 2 decades ago I was 17, living in a domestic abuse situation, pregnant from the nightly sexual assaults with nowhere to turn.
    My family weren’t interested in me before I was pregnant so no point reaching out to them.
    He’d isolated me away from friends and they were all my age anyway.
    Everywhere I’d turned when my parents had thrown me out of the house had never helped before- so why would they now?

    I knew if I continued my pregnancy something bad would happen to me or them, or both of us- the violence had escalated.

    I had intense relief just being in the anaesthetic room(to which I feel tremendous guilt), and once ‘home’ I felt I could control a bit more and plan my escape.

    Escape I did and I’m now in a really strong financial, career, relationship and could offer my child a good life. It is pointless to do this- I wouldn’t be in this position had I had my child.

    I also never became a mother, and I wondered if this added to my grief, but reading other’s experiences (thank you all for sharing) it would appear I’m just being hard on myself as it would seem I would still possibly feel like this if I had gone on to have a family.

    My sister doesn’t believe in abortion. I suspect this is why she no longer talks to me. A lot of people are judgemental about domestic abuse not to mention why my parents would throw me out the house while I was still at school (no, I wasn’t some rebel), so to share that I terminated my baby is something I’m not safe to do generally. All my long term partners (not that I’ve had that many!) have known, and they’ve always been understanding.

    I broke yesterday. I don’t know if it’s because I have a friends baby shower today. She miscarried a few times and I’m really excited for her and her husband to have a very much loved child arrive! I have almost told her a few times when we’ve been talking about loss, and I might be being unfair to her that I’m scared she will say my loss is less because I ‘chose’.

    I hope we can all find ourselves in a better place, where we accept that whatever our reasons that we made the best decision for us and our baby/ babies. Much love to you all.

  6. Jen  May 18, 2022 at 8:23 am Reply

    I have had 5 pregnancies – 3 children and 2 terminations. My first pregnancy was a mistake – a big one – and I so regretted putting myself in that situation. I knowingly had unprotected sex with a man I didn’t love, but I wasn’t sure I’d cope with an abortion. Friends and family said all the right things – “it’s your decision, you have to do what’s right for you” – but it was my very Christian sister who cemented my decision. She said, “if you have this baby, who will have the father in your life, for the rest of your life.”

    Shortly after that abortion, I met the love of my life. I was still grieving, but our relationship eased the pain. He is my best friend, the most amazing man, and the father of our three children.

    But – 12 years after our first child, when I accidentally got pregnant with our fourth, he was adamant. We were 40, the kids were all in school, we were SO beyond babies. A baby would ruin us, emotionally and financially. Or maybe it would ruin him…

    I didn’t want to terminate. I knew I couldn’t go through that grief again. But I did it for my family – I didn’t want a baby to tear our family apart. I did it to protect my living children. I sacrificed my own mental health – and, as it turned out, my physical health.

    The ultrasounds associated with the termination led to the diagnosis of many issues which ultimately will end in a hysterectomy. It feels so much more devastating that the womb that so recently held a little potential life has now been scheduled for removal from my body.

    It has been 2 years – I’m now 42. There will be no more babies. I love my family- and my husband – with all my heart. I regret my decision every day, but life must go on.

    In the first year after the abortion, I googled looking for help for my grief. I didn’t find any help, but I did find many abortion stories. Most expressed relief, like they say in the research. Some expressed grief like mine, but some were from women many MANY years post abortion. I found that SO depressing – that I would feel that way for…ever!

    I want other women to know that I do NOT feel the same way I did in the first year. I no longer cry about it. I think about it every day, but it no longer dominates my thoughts. After my first abortion, it took 4 years before I could think about it without feeling sad. I am now 2 years past my 2nd abortion – and I am still sad, but not in a non-functional way. I guess my point is – it does get better, and life is beautiful in many many different ways. Find those ways, and find joy in those little things. One day, eventually, your days will hopefully be dominated by those joyous moments rather than the sad ones.

    I am getting there – slowly – and come to think of it, writing all this down has helped. 🙂

    • Litsa  May 18, 2022 at 10:47 am Reply

      Thank you so much for sharing your story here – it does provide hope to hear from people who have had some time to process things and also learn to cope with the many complicated and complex emotions. And I’m glad that writing it was a small help to you 🙂

    • Claire  May 31, 2022 at 2:35 am Reply

      Thank you so much. I am 3 days post an abortion I did not want to go through with. I felt I had no choice due to pressure from my ex partner. I feel I will never get over it and it has also changed my emotions towards my existing 6 month old daughter. My heart is broken but your words gave me comfort.

  7. Anonymous  April 10, 2022 at 9:06 am Reply

    Today has been a very hard day for me. I just went through a serious mental break down with tears and throwing up at the thought that I aborted my baby. I was 21 years old and 7 weeks pregnant (found out at planned parenthood.) I am now 23 and it does not get any better. Crazy thing was I didn’t agree with the decision of having an abortion. I didn’t want it, but everyone around me was telling me how it’s a bad idea and I wasn’t ready. My boyfriend at the time was a believer in abortions and I wasn’t. When I found out, I called him crying and he came to my house and we sat in the car for hours crying. He never once asked me what did I want to do, he just shoved the idea down my throat to abort “it” because HE wasn’t ready. I told my Bestfriend about it and she was excited I guess, then after that didn’t hear from her. My mom wasn’t supportive as well. I live with her so guess she didn’t want the burden of a baby. I regret my decision so much! I know I could’ve done it on my own, struggled if I needed to so my baby can live. Everyone keeps telling me it wasn’t a baby yet, but they still don’t understand the pain and regret I’m going through. I feel so alone to the point I’m researching regrets after abortion. You guys’s stories helped me so much because I see that I’m not alone. We have every right to feel how we feel after an abortion. Whether it’s regret, shame, relief. Only we know how we feel no matter how we put it into words. Crying has helped me a lot because I tend to shove my emotions out. I decided that I won’t do that anymore. I need to understand, feel and go through this pain so I can heal from it. I really wish I had someone there with me because this was the biggest decision I had to make in my life and my support system was non existent. I resent my ex boyfriend so much for not asking me what I wanted to do, I resent my Bestfriend for not being there the one time I needed her. I resent my mom for not being a mom and holding me and asking me if I’m okay before and after the whole thing. I guess that’s what being an adult is huh. Got to deal with it. I’m still learning to forgive them.

    • Saskia  June 14, 2022 at 7:55 pm Reply

      I’m so sorry you went through this, our stories are very similar. I got pregnant at 18, I’m now 22 and I’m still not over it. My mother was the one who made me have an abortion, from the moment I found out she said ‘okay so when are you booking the abortion’ she didn’t even ask what I wanted and then everyday she kept on pushing for me to get one. I booked an appointment at 10 weeks and went and cancelled the surgery as I wanted to keep my baby. I had hope that things would get better, but they didn’t. At 15 weeks my mum phoned the clinic for me as she was there the first time and had heard my password for them and booked another appointment and that’s when I gave up all hope. The day of my surgery was awful I had no idea how the procedure worked and that I would be put to sleep, just felt horrible. I wished that I would die that day. I too didn’t have any support from friends apart from one and no longer speak to any of them. My one good friend said to me ‘you did the most motherly thing you could, you knew your baby wouldn’t have been loved or supported by your family so you saved it from a life of heart ache’ I hope this makes you feel somewhat better, that it is not your fault. No one supported you. I’m sorry, take care x

  8. Katherine  January 19, 2022 at 11:33 pm Reply

    I am trying to hold onto love after aborting my two babies and I am trying to love like my heart has never been broken. I know I have God’s forgiveness because HE is a merciful and perfect God but I still struggle and in many ways I am punishing myself.

  9. Maria  January 19, 2022 at 6:36 am Reply

    Three years ago I met this man I completely fell for. One night in the beginning we had unprotected sex, and I went to get the morning-after pill the morning after. 6 weeks later I turned out to be pregnant… So there I was pregnant of a man I knew nearly as long as I was pregnant for. I have two teenage boys but I always wanted to have another child. Due to breaking up with their father and my age I didn’t think I’d ever get that chance. And so it happened that at the age of 44 I found myself pregnant. Not knowing whether this man would be staying with me, and also finding already pretty hard raising two kids alone and working etc we decided to have an abortion. It wasn’t straight forward, I had so many doubts, but he also lived quite far from me, and his first reaction had been ‘let the doctor sort it out’. I was so scared to not being able to cope.
    Now, 3 years later I have broken up with this person. I must say that I still have a huge feeling of regret and guilt ever since. And I have thought about it a lot.
    He turned out to be a very selfish person…
    I feel like I stayed too long with him because of it as well. As it felt like a connection, one he didn’t want, but a certain connection. I will always love him though, and will never forget this thing we could never have. I truly wish this had never happened.

  10. Hayley  January 9, 2022 at 2:05 pm Reply

    My abortion was about 3 years ago, at the age of 23. I fell pregnant with an ex, we had been together for over a year, broke up, dated other people, both became single and slept together twice and I got pregnant. I can’t even begin to describe the range of emotions I felt. But for the most part I was absolutely terrified and when I told him, he was so so excited. This really made me feel confused and I was so unsure of what I would do. He told his entire family, when I didn’t want him too, and this created a really tough situation because I was still so unsure. His family supported the pregnancy and so did mine, so I thought okay I can do this. I told myself I was going to have this baby. But after a few weeks, I fell into a deep depression. I felt as if I was giving up my life and my dreams, I felt that I knew I couldn’t give this child what they deserved. And that I couldn’t be the mother I wanted to be along with so many other factors. So I decided to have an abortion, my ex was very unsupportive and I felt completely alone and like everyone was judging my change of heart. I still struggle with that, that I got so many peoples hopes up, and then changed my mind. But ultimately looking back, I do not regret anything. I know it was the right decision for me. I am now in the healthiest relationship I could imagine, I have traveled, I have experienced so many things that I would not have been able to. I still think about it, and at times it pains me (clearly I found this page 3 years later) but I do struggle with the feeling of disenfranchised loss. Slowly contributing to heal from the experience, and anyone reading know that all our stories are unique, but over everything else. You are not alone. You deserve happiness, love, and to forgive yourself.

  11. Mamma  December 2, 2021 at 5:53 pm Reply

    I had a termination at 29weeks, I can’t breathe with grief. Weeks of heartbreak and as the days pass I feel even more upset. Medical reasons but really the doubt of it all will haunt me. Why did I play God. My baby would have lived. My baby had ID and physical disabilities, but is this enough to take away a life?! Many pressing factors were considered, family life, impact on fiance, impact on our mental health, impact on our relationship, impact on our other children. IMPACT on my baby, told of high risk of disabilities being severe, when asked if they would be profound I was told likely, when asked if the babys perfect organs would work I was told they work but it was unknown if the brains functioning would be able to communicate to function the organs once born. This is still maybes right? Multiple brain abnormalities but all on spectrums of definitely disabilities but unsure of severity… High possibly of worst case outcome. When asked about quality of life.. was td multiple and prolonged seizures.. I didn’t believe termination was right ever, but I went against everything to protect my baby from having a life of starring at a wall and being medicated to sedation levels… Nothing stood in my way to end my baby’s life.. and now here I am alone with guilt. My baby looked perfect when born still.. where was all the abnormalities within the brain when I looked at my baby. My baby seemed beautiful and perfect, they told me my baby was off the scales small… My baby didn’t seem this way. My baby was perfect as I held them still. Still forever.

  12. Andrea  November 24, 2021 at 10:09 am Reply

    I was 8 weeks pregnant by a partner that I just started dating 2 months before hand but have known for years. Overwhelmed with emotions because I have not been pregnant since my first son who is now 5 1/2. I wanted another child just didn’t expect it to happen like that. It would’ve been his first child. I regret my decision because I know I could have done it with or without his support. I hate that in the beginning he told me it was “too soon” but as weeks went by he showed more affection towards me and the unborn but when we discussed it it was always “yes I want a kid BUT” or I’m in between. Being a single mother is already hard. I just couldn’t imagine being a single mother of 2 with different fathers. It’s been almost a month since and I have thought about that baby ever since my abortion. I feel guilty. I feel ashamed. The guy is still in the picture and our relationship continues to grow but I wish our unborn was still within.

    • Amanda Rose  April 11, 2022 at 2:07 pm Reply

      I’m going to be going through the same thing as you. I have a daughter that’s 4 and found out that I am pregnant. Not in the best place or timing to raise another child. I don’t know how I’ll feel after my abortion, but I’m sure a LOT of feelings will surface in the next coming years. I’m scared and I don’t have my partner next to me, to comfort me, in this difficult time.

  13. Izzy  October 26, 2021 at 5:15 pm Reply

    I got an abortion last week at age 21 at 7 weeks. I am in a very loving relationship with my partner who is older. We plan to spend our lives together but we chose to terminate because I am too young and we are not in the best position to raise a child financially.

    I thought I’d find myself relieved after the procedure but I instead find myself feeling like hollow and like I am grieving for the loss. I cannot even know if I regret the decision. I’m incredibly confused about the entire experience. The only thing is I know I want to have children with my partner and I hate that the only thing that drove me to finally make this decision is the ‘wrong time’ because it was not ‘wrong person’. I always think of what may have been and worry that I may not have a chance in the future to have children with him.

    I did not view the pregnancy as an inconvenience and it saddens me that I cannot feel like I can express that I perhaps would have wanted to keep the child despite being young without people judging me and telling me it is the wrong decision.

    The whole situation is hard to process. My partner is attempting to be understanding but I do not feel like I know to express how I feel and how to get help with these feelings. This has not been a great experience.

    • Litsa  November 1, 2021 at 10:05 pm Reply

      I am so sorry for what you’re feeling. Please know that one can still feel regret over things that were the right decision. This article may be helpful in thinking about that more. We can feel so many emotions at once and often talking with a therapist can be a great way to better understand and express and cope with those complex feelings.

  14. C  October 20, 2021 at 6:06 pm Reply

    I had an abortion at 11 weeks 6 days. I currently feel nothing but regret, guilt and grief. I feel like I’m not entitled to feel grief but I do. I am 29 years old. My husband and I always talked about wanting children. I don’t think I realized that my mental health was not in the best state when we got pregnant, which was intentional. Work stress increased and I had a hard time juggling that stress combined with all the fears that were coming in floods about raising a child. Financial fears were huge. Around 7 weeks I started getting into a dark place. Lost interest in anything I had liked before and just didn’t want to go through the motions of life anymore. I see started worrying I would be predisposed to post partum depression. What kind of mother would I be to a child if I was mentally unstable? We spent days weighing our options. He supported me either way I wanted to go. I just wish more mental health support had been available to me from the start maybe I could have taken care of myself sooner. I keep thinking about figs. Because that was the size of my baby. I’m struggling everyday to keep it together. I want counseling and can’t find anyone !

    • Litsa  October 25, 2021 at 3:42 pm Reply

      I’m so sorry for what you are going through and that you are having a hard time finding counseling. Though we always suggest someone in your area that comes referred as a first option, if you can’t find someone we do suggest that you can try an online counseling service like betterhelp – (that is a Betterhelp affiliate link, which means we do receive a commission when people use it, but we don’t endorse it over any other online counseling service. There are others you can find online too by googling online counseling services)

      • Lisa  August 29, 2022 at 10:21 am

        I m 38 year old lady, and my partner is 41 year Old we have 10 year old kid . My kid always want a baby sister, for his sake me and my husband had been trying for 4 years.. even we went for IUI treatment.
        And finally we lost our hope but still happy with our kid. Suddenly I just realized I m pregnant. We both got panicked it was a mixed feeling happiness and fear. We just realized now this is too late at the time kid will be born my husband will be 42 and I m will be 39.. that might be wrong decision for us … we just felt this kid will be a responsibility for my elder kid… that we don’t want.. we took the decision but now I can’t sleep In night I feel a baby is lying next to me and smiling and asking me Maa why didn’t listen to my voice. And same time my kid is asking me same question why didn’t give birth to my baby sister I can take care of her.. all the time I feel I am murderer who killed its own baby and my kid’s baby sister.. everyone is staring me …
        I can’t discuss with my husband I know he is in same pain.. only difference I m crying and he is not.
        Taking this decision not easy for us …we took the decision but this is not the same home as we used to live..everything is changed..
        I don’t think anything now can make us happy

      • Litsa  September 12, 2022 at 3:11 pm

        Lisa, I think it could really help for you and your partner to talk to a counselor about how you’re feeling – you could do this together and separately. But it is important that you are each able to be there for each other. It sounds like you made the decision that was right at the time, and it can be hard go sit with uncertainty after the fact. But being honest about how you feel is an important placce to start.

    • Cheza  April 24, 2022 at 9:04 pm Reply

      C – I don’t know if you will ever see this message, but I felt compelled to reach out to you, as I too terminated a planned pregnancy due to severe prenatal depression. I think this situation is rare, as the majority of termination stories I read were due to unplanned pregnancies. The guilt and regret are immeasurable, but there is the added facet of not being able to understand how this could have happened now that the hormones have subsided and the depression along with it. I feel like I was truly not myself when I made the decision I did, and was also extremely fearful of post partum depression. Now that I’m on the other side of it I cannot believe I terminated my pregnancy after trying so hard to conceive. I just want you to know that you are not alone ❤️

      • Layla  May 12, 2022 at 12:43 am

        This is exactly what happened to me. When I made the decision to terminate I was in a very dark place. Not my hormones are getting “back to normal” and I’m feeling unimaginable grief, sadness and regret. Does it get better? I pray I will be ok….. but right now I can barely breathe.

  15. Chloe  October 5, 2021 at 9:20 pm Reply

    I first wrote a comment on this page on 3rd January 2020 after I had an abortion on the Christmas Eve before. I’ve found my way back onto this page because it is still something that I think about, without fail, every single day. Some days it is a passing thought. Other days the pain brings me tears. Today is the latter. I read everybody’s comments and I wish I could be the person to tell you that it gets easier. I suppose it does in some ways. I make sure I do all the things I wanted to, that were not possible if I had made a different decision. That keeps the regret at bay but the emptiness lives inside me. I fear it’ll live there forever. I am so grateful for the existence of this page, it’s information and the comments, where I am reminded that I’m not alone and it’s okay to grieve for my loss. Sending so much love to anybody who feels the same way.

    • Bianca  April 25, 2022 at 6:16 pm Reply

      I had a medical abortion a little over a month ago. It has been the biggest regret of my life. It pains me everyday. I found out I was pregnant at 4 weeks. A week later my childhood best friend found out she was pregnant too. We were the exact weeks to the day…. My partner currently has two children and struggling financially he made it very clear that this isn’t the right time. My parents didn’t want me to have the baby either and really pushed me to get it.
      I’ve always wanted to be a mother. I have baby sat since I was 14 & still am currently a Nanny. I love kids and I want one of my own but everyone filled my head with doubt. I wanted to do it before it developed to a fetus …. So I did it at 7 weeks. I feel like I rushed the Decision because of that. I knew the entire time that I didn’t want to do it even in the doctors office on the way there I was telling my boyfriend I’m not gonna be so depressed after this I know I’ll never forgive myself. And I still did it like a coward and I regret it every second if I could go back in time I would never have done it.
      My boyfriend is trying to be there for me but he doesn’t get it he already has two kids. No I have to watch my best friend since I was in the fourth grade experience everything that I should’ve experienced with her … she just found out her gender and it’s a girl I would’ve know by now my gender. I feel evil and Horrible. And it seems everyone is pregnant around me. This weight is so heavy I don’t know how to cope with this. No therapist or counselor will be able to change the fact that I ended my babies life before it even got a chance. I hope it does get better but that fact will never change I will forever live with this regret .

      • Litsa  April 29, 2022 at 4:15 am

        I am so sorry for what you are feeling. Please know that a therapist’s job is not to change what has happened. Their work, along with your work with them in counseling, is to learn how to best move forward and carry that with you. That can be hard to sort through on your own, in the depth of your own pain and regret. But I assure you that you can do that. Learning to live with our regrets and practice self-compassion (and in some cases even self-forgiveness) is some of the hardest part of living and being human. But from your comment it is clear that you are incredibly caring person. Think of what you would tell a good friend who was in your situation, feeling what you are feeling. And then please consider that you deserve that care yourself – a counselor or therapist can’t change the past. But they can help you to show yourself the care and compassion that you need to in order to move forward from this. This decision and the regret may always be with you as you move forward, but that doesn’t have to be a bad thing. It can be something that helps to shape and guide you as you move foward.

  16. Boheme  September 22, 2021 at 9:28 am Reply

    My abortions are my biggest regret in life and the one thing I would change if wishes could come true. If, like my mother, I was later blessed with children, I probably wouldn’t feel as deep of a regret. It colors my life as I am now 50 and never got to be pregnant again. I had an abortion in 1996 and again in 1999. I never got pregnant again, and a series of health challenges have taken over my life following these abortions. The first abortion I had been careless with my boyfriend because I didn’t think I was fertile. It was a month before I was moving across the country to start grad school. I became depressed within weeks and have suffered with depression ever since. The second abortion my boyfriend’s condom broke. We wanted to keep our baby but I was too scared since I didn’t have a job or career yet (just graduated) and my boyfriend didn’t have his life together. I was scared to become a welfare single mother like my mother had been. I’m not pro-life but I do think more counseling and support is needed for women with unexpected pregnancies. I wish someone had helped me be brave and trust that I could still be a success and a mother given my circumstances.

  17. Anonymous (can use name Jane Doe)  September 8, 2021 at 2:18 pm Reply

    When I was 19 years old in late April of 2021, I found out I was 12 weeks pregnant. I was out of state for college. After waiting a week to talk to a planned parenthood facility, they booked me for a 13wk ultrasound. I was told I had to share personal information (my name, state, DoB, etc). During the ultrasound, the tech told me (more so lied to me) that the baby’s hear rate was at 180 and was extremely high. I was also told the fetus was having constant seizures. (I have done research since then and realize 180 is normal, and seizures cannot be present or detectable due to the size of the fetus and lack of brain functionality for 13wks). They forced me to have a D&C, which at the time given the (now) misinformation, I thought was an “okay but depressing” choice. At my D&C appointment, I was NOT given any sedation medication. I was tied to a table with my legs up surrounded by a ton of nurses. They did not administer any numbing agent to my cervix either. I had multiple nurses holding me down against my will as I begged for them to stop. I was constantly fainting, throwing up, and in pain. I was pinned down, being told “you shouldn’t have had sex. You’re just a kid. Get over it you’re fine. It doesn’t hurt. You’re stupid for even getting pregnant.”. Mind you, I have been on continuous birth control for 3 years prior to this and took it on a strict schedule. After the procedure, i was told to leave and relax and be glad it’s over. For 3 weeks after, i constantly was bleeding and throwing up. I was severely bruised, scarred, and swollen. When I went home, my gynecologist told me they did it completely wrong and had no right to do what they did to me. I suffered from extreme depression and suicidal thoughts. At the time, i still have depression, anxiety, and ptsd from it. Although I cannot wait to have a child and be able to carry to term, I feel and fear this will forever haunt me…

    Fyi, this was all done at a planned parenthood, a place we should feel safe and welcome no questions asked…

  18. Roberta  August 31, 2021 at 6:35 am Reply

    Why am I here? Well, 07/01/1990 I was told by my GP I must terminate my baby, I had suffered severe PND after my 4th child, I would not let anyone hold her or go near her. Long story short, I had first child at 17, I was married, 4 by time I was 25, then, pregnant with my 5th baby. It killed me inside, how could I choose to murder my own baby? To me she was a baby, not a fetus, my life ended, I felt I did not deserve to be a mum to any child, she would have just turned 31 this August gone, where is she, does she see me and say why mum? I talk to her, I cry, I ache, for my baby that never was allowed to be, fast forward, this ended my marriage, my eldest 2 children have no contact with me, I hurt, I grieve, I barely cope, I hate myself for not being stronger, for not telling the medical world to go to hell. The hurt never lessens, the grief never goes, all those years ago, my termination ruined my life.

  19. K&A  August 29, 2021 at 10:59 am Reply

    My story

    Hello all. I wanted to reply as a perspective from the male. I’ll try to keep it brief if I can. My wife and I have to boys we love and that were convcieved through IVF due to infertility on my part after years of trying. At the end of July 2021 we discovered my wife was pregnant (unplanned) and we both freaked out. Fast forward and we voluntarily terminated the pregnancy on Aug 26th. The choice was made bc of a procedure she had last summer called a cold knife cone biopsy that would have carried a 50% chance of preterm birth unless she had another procedure called a cervical cerclage which reduced the chance by about 15-20%. If she had this done she would have been required to have another c-section bc of the cervical suture. In addition I’m nearly 40 and she is almost 35 and we just felt that we were past the baby stage in life. I travel for work and am gone about 50-60% of the year so this ultimately would have render her raising 3 kids ages 0, 4, 6 on her own while working full time as well.

    While there was a part of both of us that wanted another child we were concerned about the additional procedures and risk and about adding a 3rd with our work lifestyles and family dynamic.

    We are now several days past and while I knew there would be pain and regret and guilt we never imagined how bad it would be. We are both feeling like we made a mistake. I can’t help but dwell on what the third baby would have been like when I look at my two boys and that I was a coward for not willing to accept the risk associated. I feel pain, guilt, regret and overall weakness for not even trying. I feel like as someone who has a family how could I have done such a thing?. I also feel like we took what we thought impossible (natural pregnancy) and just threw it away. My wife is also besides herself. I wonder how long we will hurt. I’ve decided to start counseling and get ahead of the feelings I’m experience and try to work through them as they come rather than allow them to build bottled up. I am hoping she will follow but I’m not pushing her to do anything she isn’t ready for. This hurts so much and while part of me feels relief another pet of me wish I could go back and decided otherwise now and have taken the risk.

    • Elizabeth  September 3, 2021 at 9:03 am Reply

      I am a 35 year old woman who is divorced with a 9 year old daughter. I won’t tell my whole story as it is messy. I wasn’t married when I did this, I was in a relationship with a man who didn’t want me to keep the pregnancy. I longed for another child for years. He pressured me and I caved under that pressure and let his influence lead me to make the worst mistake of my life. The regret on a daily basis is very intense. I aborted a wanted child and I can’t find a place for that. My grief is constant and the shame and humiliation of the terrible choice just won’t release. For me the mornings are the hardest, waking up to the reality. I quit my job because I couldn’t work due to the sorrow and inability to function. I’ve spent more time with my daughter which is a good things as I was working so much. But it also confirms how much I love being a mom. I forgot how much that is what I actually wanted. The sadness and grief for me has not really subsided. It’s been three months.

      • Litsa  September 14, 2021 at 9:37 am

        Elizabeth, I am so sorry for this grief you are coping with. If things still have not eased, I would suggest talking with a therapist who might be able to assist you in processing some of these complex emotions. Talking this through with a professional can be incredibly helpful in coming to a place that allows you to live and cope with these difficult emotions.

  20. Marie  August 6, 2021 at 12:09 pm Reply

    This is my personal situation and what I have been going through. Women don’t need any reason for getting an abortion other than it being the best decision for her.

    I’m 23 yrs old and last week I chose to have the medication abortion at 6 weeks. It was one of the hardest decisions I have ever had to make. I already have a 2 year old son who’s father (also the father of my aborted baby) is not really in his life. I’ve never gotten child support, or just a simple break of him taking his child out for the day to save me some stress, only occasional visits. I have been doing this alone for 2 years now. I haven’t had sex in almost a year so when my son’s father came over to visit on June 14th I was feeling lonely and we hooked up. I did not think I would get pregnant after one hookup and was not expecting this at all. This guy was very abusive, that’s what made me leave him after our son was born I was being physically harmed and mentally manipulated I had to protect my son. I am currently in college, living alone in a tiny 1 bedroom apartment with my son. I knew the second I found out I was pregnant I had to either go with abortion or adoption. One thing that made this decision hard to make was I have met a few women who were unable to have children so I felt/feel selfish. The next was how much an abortion costs where I live. When I saw it was almost $500 I freaked out. I asked the father of the child for help with the bill and was told no. My insurance didn’t cover it and I had no way to afford that. I don’t see how someone who can’t afford a child is supposed to be able to come up with that amount in a week or two but I borrowed some money and made it happen. Another thing that made this hard was religion. Growing up I went to a Catholic school until high-school. I’ve always had my own view on religion and have always been pro choice, but some of the things I were taught have been upsetting me. And having a protester right outside the door to my appt didn’t make it easier. I was also absolutely terrified of the physical pain I was going to endure. They said it’s like a miscarriage, which I had one when I was 19 and it was the worst physical pain i had ever experienced. The abortion was just as painful but I got through it. Now, other than the terrible father and where I was in life, the thing that made this decision easier was how much I cared about my son. We live alone and I’m all he really has. This pregnancy was making me too sick to even cook, or take him outside, the hormones were crazy. I couldn’t be pregnant I had to take care of my son. And the thought of his full sibling being taken away from him, and that kid one day wondering why I kept their brother but not them, I didn’t want my child out there thinking they weren’t good enough. Also I have epilepsy and had an increased amount of seizures when I was pregnant with my son. I couldnt risk going through that again especially not while living alone with a child. Abortion was the right decision. Now that it’s been done I don’t regret my decision at all, but I do regret getting myself into that situation. I’ve been feeling so many different things lately I’ve been depressed, lonely, haven’t been talking to anyone, I feel like I’ll never be worthy of love and have given up on trying to find it. I didn’t expect this much of a mental health impact. I’m left wondering why this had to happen. I would’ve loved to have another kid if it was a different father and if I had any type of support. It’s depressing. Hopefully it’ll get easier.

  21. Miranda  June 11, 2021 at 4:46 am Reply

    I have a abortion 3 days ago. I was 8 weeks and 9 days. I don’t know what I am feeling. Some days I feel like I made the right choice since I am already a single mother to a six year old. Other days I feel so much guilt and miss knowing I had a second heartbeat inside of me. My experience was horrible. The picture of the ultrasound is so concreted in my mind and the sound of the machine. After the procedure was over I remember the nurses trying to bring me back because I blacked out. I remember I kept seeing black flashes and the nurses on and off. I was trying to talk and move but I couldn’t. I don’t know how to get pass this. The guy, I wasn’t even dating. He was just a friend. He only wanted a baby with me because of my curly hair he said. I felt so hurt and alone. I didn’t know what to do. He was causing so many problems already and wasn’t very supportive of the support I needed. Since it was my second pregnancy the pregnancy symptoms were more intense. I needed the spouse support but he didn’t want to be there. He just wanted the baby at first. Until one argument he suggested I should just get a abortion. I felt so scared and unsure what to do. I knew I couldn’t be a single mom of two. I knew I could’ve provide and give the life, care , attention the baby needed. I was so scared to tell my family because everyone was clueless I was seeing anyone. Since I’ve been single. Even though I’m 26 unemployed, no spouse support I couldn’t disappoint my family because I disappointed myself. I feel terrible for what I did. Taking a future soul and beating heart away. Sometimes I feel like I’m selfish for choosing myself. But I try to remind myself my reality that I couldn’t do it on my own. I hope one day I will feel forgiven.

  22. Taylor Julien  June 8, 2021 at 11:19 pm Reply

    I had my official abortion on February 21, 2020. I was a first year college student, studying out of state and as a 19 year old, I was absolutely terrified. In all my life, I supported women who did have abortions, but I had the expectation for myself that I would be safe until I was in the proper position in my life to have a child. Unfortunately, I neglected to be safe and I was in a position where I had to make a very important choice. I wasn’t in a very healthy relationship at the time and I simply felt that I was not fully capable to give a baby a happy and healthy life. Around February 10 I went to planned parenthood, alone, to get a medicinal abortion. They administered the medication in the office and informed me to finish the rest of the medication a few hours after I got home. I followed as instructed and continued about as “normal.” A few days later I went in to get blood work to make sure the abortion was effective. About a day later I was called into the clinic to get an ultrasound, when I found out that the first abortion failed. I went in to the clinic on February 21 with my mom to have the procedure. What I remember from that day is being sick to my stomach and exhausted. Right before my procedure the doctor apologized for the failure and asked if I wanted to see one last picture before they began. I said no and fell asleep, due to the medication they put me on. I never really looked back to that day until a year later. That’s when all of my emotions came rolling back in, and since then I’ve been in a depression. I no longer have the desire to have sex and I find that I try to distract myself throughout the day so I don’t have to think too much about my abortion. I have been speaking to a therapist about my abortion for a while now and I am learning how to cope. She advised me to try to memorialize the event so that I can begin to put the procedure at ease in my mind. It’s been extremely hard because even though I am thankful that I chose not to bring a child into this world because of my own incapabilities, I have this need to fill that part of me that was taken away. This is a part of me that is never going to go away and now I am learning how I can embrace that and grow into a happier, healthier person. I never want my experience to be covered up or hidden, I just want to find peace.

  23. Sarah  June 3, 2021 at 10:24 pm Reply

    I had an abortion on May 25th, 2021. My boyfriend and I are in a very stable and committed relationship, and we both wanted to wait to have children. Although I was on birth control, I became pregnant. I honestly had no idea I was pregnant because the birth control I used stopped my periods, and once the nausea started, I thought it was due to my anxiety. My doctor suggested a pregnancy test and I almost laughed at the idea because we had been so careful, plus my birth control. But she was right. I remember sitting in the bathroom looking at the result in absolute disbelief. I took 2 more tests just to be sure. I felt so much dread and shame. Like somehow this was all my fault. I was so worried about telling my boyfriend. He is loving and supportive, but we’ve both been so stressed with our jobs recently that I hated to tell him. I didn’t know if I should try to be happy or express the dread I was feeling. Finally I broke down and told him about the tests later that day. I was sobbing when I told him, and he was so sad for me and for us that he cried too.
    We tried so hard to conjure up the excitement we knew we should be feeling. We discussed keeping the pregnancy, but we both were on the same page from the start. It just wasn’t the right time.
    When we went to my doctor, we figured I’d be about 4 weeks along. I was 15 weeks. I remember sobbing as she showed me the ultra-sound and she said, “look, he is waving!” as the arms moved in the image. I was so devastated to be that far along and have to go through the D&E procedure. I’ve felt so much guilt, shame, isolation and grief. In spite of knowing it was the right choice for us, I cry and grieve each day since we found out.
    I hope others know that it’s ok to not regret your decision and still take the time to grieve and process the loss. I feel like this has changed my whole life, even though everyone else has expected life would return to normal after I healed up from the abortion.
    I am so lucky to have a supportive and loving boyfriend. I think him seeing me grieving has made him face his own grief too, and it has brought us closer.
    Do whatever it takes to care for yourself and allow yourself to feel all of the emotions that hit you. You have nothing to hide, even though the world tries to tell us that we do. I know it hurts to hear from some people who say your choice was wrong, but ultimately only you know when the right time to bring a child into the world is, and you will one day make peace with that and heal if you let yourself.

  24. tammy  May 12, 2021 at 1:10 am Reply

    I don’t know how to put this into words, I feel like this may help me. i’m 37 years of age. I became pregnant at the age of 17 but miscarried at 3.5 months. this left me heartbroken. Then at 18 I became pregnant again which I went full term and had my beautiful girl now 18, my world!
    at 20 I became pregnant again, apart from myself and my mom everyone around me suggested it not a good idea that I had the baby as my daughter was only young, and as myself and my partner wasn’t working that it would be hard to bring up to babies together. my partner also only wanted one child.i loved my partner more than the need for another child, or so I thought. I was so young. I remember sitting in the doctors office and lying that I couldn’t cope and needed the abortion,its not what I wanted but I was young?? I wasn’t strong??anyway, a friend watched my daughter while I got a taxi to the clinic. my partner was working at the time so I went alone. I remember every second of it, the smell, feeling alone, feeling empty, the other women with there support. my mother in law collected me and I went home. life went on after that. until i’d say around 8-10 years ago, I never forgot, I think as time went on I built up so much resentment, anger, guilt and self loathing. I put on 8 stone. I developed anxiety and depression. I never forgot, I even spoke to my partner about it once and opened up about the damage I felt it had done. coming to the present day. I have been ok in myself for quite a while now, I started a great new job as a receptionist in the hospital on maternity. first 2 weeks I was loving life seeing all the couples and women come and go and be so happy. but, the past 2 weeks ive been broken, cried most days, thinking I was overwhelmed in starting my new job. today 12-5-21 ive come to realise the reason why im so down is that this job is one huge trigger, its made me face my pain. pain that’s never gone away. I never grieved, I wasn’t asked how I felt after, no one comforted me, we just went on with our lives. but I never have. I love my other half with all my heart, we have been together 20 years, but I a chunk of me resents him so much it hurts to my core, ive told him this but we spoke and moved on, but the feelings don’t go away for me, I feel like I need more closure but I don’t want to go on about it and cause more upset as I know he regrets not being there for me at the time. I thought writing it down now might help. i’m still so angry, im angry with myself, angry for not being strong enough to say NO this isn’t what I want I would rather bring two babies up alone than have an abortion, im angry I couldn’t say that, I hate myself I forever feel like I killed my baby, my baby boy. I hate myself as a mother, I didn’t give my daughter a brother, I didn’t give myself the other child that I really really wanted. I feel so regretful and guilty, I will never have that chance to have another now, ive missed it, I love my children born and unborn, ill always be mom to 3 babies. I feel so consumed with sadness and grief all the time. I eat my emotions daily, I think I punish my body. and that’s just me. I resent my partner for making me feel it was my only option, for not being with me that day or there when I got home. I resent my mother in law for supporting him and encouraging the idea. I want to forgive myself, I want to celebrate my babies, I think I may give them an actual resting place with my dad in my garden, maybe it will give me some kind of closure and a place to go and talk to them, I know dads looking after my babies. I need to forgive myself. I need to treat myself and my body with more respect.i need to forgive myself and others, this is my start, ive never spoke about this in so much depth before xxxx

  25. Jen  May 4, 2021 at 2:09 pm Reply

    Im 35 and i had a medicsl abortion in february at 4 weeks. It really sucks because ive been wanting a child for so long. But because of the situation i allowed panic, fear and my compassion for someone else make me make what i knew would be a regrettable decision for me. After 3 yrs of celibacy, i engaged in sex with a friend and instantly regretted it. A few weeks later i found out this friend that wanted to pursue something with me lied about being divorced. 2 weeks after this discovery i found out i was pregnant. I was numb and angry. But i based my decision not on what i really wanted. But on me putting myself in his wifes shoes. Those were consequences that really werent my problem. But i wasnt thinking clearly. He accompanied me. What really pissed me off was his comment of its so early just think of it as a late morning after pill. Im really struggling with not only not being mad at him but more so myself. Always thinking of others before myself. Its May and i still cry every week. Im depressed. And as a side effdct of the pils i have hypothyroidism. I cant shake the saddness. I pray and pray but im struggling. I just pray that one day it will happen with someone i truly love. Where we can get the news and be ecstatic about it.

    • Elizabeth  September 4, 2021 at 12:51 pm Reply

      Hey Jen. I am 35 as well and did a medication abortion in May. I too let fear and a man dictate what I did. It’s such a terrible regret. How are you doing now?

  26. Ella  April 30, 2021 at 9:30 pm Reply

    Hi everyone, I’m not really sure where to begin but here goes! Before my abortion I couldn’t find a REAL story anywhere. So here is my raw, honest story of my medical abortion at 8 weeks 3 days. I’m 21, just finishing university, I’m in the happiest and healthiest long term relationship with my amazing boyfriend but we don’t want a baby yet. And that reason is valid enough. We found out we were pregnant on February the 4th 2021. Our initial reaction was just “this isn’t real” which the day after turned into “omg we’re having a baby” which the day after that turned into “what the F we cannot have a baby” I’m glad we were actually on the same page along the way completely which made things a lot easier. We decided to tell his parents because he felt he wanted someone to speak to about it who wasn’t me as he didn’t want to stress me out at all while I was pregnant or going through the termination. His family did NOT respond well. We sat down with his mum and dad and told them we were terminating, they turned us away and kicked us out, my boyfriend moved into my university accommodation with me straight away. We then have since received over 300 text messages from his parents and siblings just abuse and lies and trying to split us up as they see this whole situation as my fault and that I’m dragging my partner down with me! ANYWAY… we told my parents and they were 100% supportive of our decision, my elder sister was amazing too. I called the doctors who put me in contact with the abortion ward at the hospital. I went in for my first check up and I was 7 weeks 3 days pregnant. The woman there was not very nice at all, she told me I was too skinny and was really sticking into my hip bones when doing the ultra sound which was incredibly overwhelming on my own (COVIDs fault). Just not how I imagined my first ultra sound to be. The entire time I was there all I could think was “how did I get here” and “this is not where I imagined myself” I just never ever thought I would be there, in that situation. I found out I was pregnant at 4 weeks so had to wait a further 3 weeks just for that appointment, and my wait for the next appointment was another week. And trust me, in all those days and weeks I did TONNES of research, I was watching YouTube videos on abortions and reading blogs and websites and reading articles. I did every possible bit of research I could, but nothing could prepare me for the abortion, nothing can ever prepare you for that. During the pregnancy I had the most AWFUL nausea which turned into sickness, from the second I woke up until I went to sleep. I couldn’t keep any food down at all, I lost a stone in the time I spent pregnant. All I ate was toast for weeks, I couldn’t even sit up and even toast was too much for me on the bad days! I couldn’t stand long enough to shower, I remember trying to shower and getting too tired and having to sit in the bath while my boyfriend hosed me down and rinsed shampoo from my hair. I was exhausted just from the pregnancy. My belly was so big too, at first I thought it was just bloating but the doctors told me that because I’m so small and my torso is so short I’d actually just started showing really early. My boobs were so big, they got so saggy!! Because I was constantly lying in bed with sickness, when I stood up for the toilet I would have to hold my boobs up as I walked there because the pressure of them being so heavy was so so painful. My nipples were very very sensitive too they could not be touched. I wouldn’t have been able to wear a bra if I wanted to as I’d gone up at least a couple of cup sizes. So at 8 weeks 3 days , on 6th of March 2021 when I went into hospital. I had to go alone. I did a COVID test as soon as I got there, they injected me with anti-nausea in my bum and then gave me a pot with 4 tablets in. I had to put the tablets under my tongue and let them dissolve there. So that’s what I did, they tasted VILE and as soon as the 4th one dissolved I instantly threw up and the cramps started. I didn’t start bleeding for about an hour, but when I did I knew about it. It felt like nothing I’d experienced before. The tablets gave me diarrhoea and sickness so in between changing my pads I was throwing up and pooping! Just a warning, you don’t only feel blood come out you also feel the lumpy bits, sorry for TMI. I seemed to get a bad bad cramp and then the stuff would come out so I kinda knew when to expect it. When I actually passed the pregnancy I knew about it, I was on the toilet in agony, throwing up, diarrhoea, crying and bleeding all at once. And as soon as I sat back on the hospital bed I started to feel better, I didn’t feel sick at all. The nurse came and got the pot and came back about 5 minutes later with a slice of toast and told me ‘the pregnancy has passed’ and I didn’t feel anything. No relief, no happiness, no sadness, no nothing. I felt the same, I don’t think it had sunk in yet!I had to stay and show them my blood for another hour to make sure I was bleeding properly. My boyfriend came and got me and as soon as I got home I had a nap as my body was exhausted, I woke up an hour later and just wanted to eat, my appetite was back! I had a chippy and I was so happy to have normal food again. I was so so shocked at how the pregnancy symptoms lifted for me straight away, no more nausea at all and I was full of energy. I felt normal. Except big pants and huge pads really did become my best friends for the next couple of weeks! I didn’t really accept that I wasn’t pregnant anymore until about 3 days later when my belly started to go back to normal (no bloating) and my boobs weren’t as sore. So that day I did a lot of crying and so did my boyfriend, and from then on I’ve cried quite abit more! I just WISH we we’re ready for a baby, but we have so much living to do before we’re ready for that, we want holidays and jobs and to actually live together in our own place rather than student housing!! It wasn’t the right time for us, it wasn’t the next logical step for our relationship. And that reason is valid. Because it’s our choice, no matter what his parents think or strangers on the internet we did what was best for us! But grief after abortion is very real, I feel regret even though I know we made the right decision. I miss being pregnant even though I was so ill during pregnancy too, I felt as though my body was finally good for something! I was so in awe of everything my body did even the sickness because I knew something amazing was happening inside. And I feel like a mum without a baby. I feel something is missing, I feel maternal constantly, I cry when I see babies and I feel like I should have my own. But I still know I made the right choice and with time things are going to get easier and I’m so lucky to have my boyfriend by my side through it all. So that’s our story, a real one, as raw as I could bring myself to be. If you’re considering abortion you are NOT alone. Make the decision that is right for you. And if you’ve had one, I’m proud of you! If you’re still struggling, that’s okay, you’re not alone either. We’ve got this. Your loss is valid, loss is loss. But I promise you’re stronger than you think, you can do this! And time is a great healer. And big respect to all of us, we’ve made a difficult decision, and whether it takes days, weeks, months or years, we’ve done what’s best for us. And we’re going to be okay x

  27. Zama  April 3, 2021 at 8:59 am Reply

    I’m 26 years old and 3 weeks pregnant. I conceive the baby by mistake and I have a 5 year old daughter and not ready to raise another child alone since we not in a relationship with the father. I have made the decision that I want to do abortion but the thing is I’m afraid of what might happen after abortion. Would you please advice me to what to do.

    • Carol  April 17, 2021 at 3:38 pm Reply

      Thank you so much for this post. Last year I had an abortion, because neither the father or I could have given it a healthy environment to grow up. The abortion to me was terrible as I chose the abortion bill and although my friends and a family member were supportive, they just left me and after the abortion it was never talked about again as if nothing happened. Likewise it felt it was a topic I wasn’t allowed to talk about, unlike friends who got pregnant. ‘ I would ruin the mood’. As if life is just about happiness and positive talks. Eventually I stated seeing a psychologist and he let me feel every emotion and nothing could have been more healing to me then feeling the abortion and talking about it while feeling save. I wish we could talk more about it and I also wish to do more advocacy. I just don’t know how. Even I had to make an abortion appointment a week ahead, as abortion appointments were booked out daily. It shocked me. And no-one talks about it. We should though , for man and for woman. Talking about it is so helpful and being a good friend is just as helpful.

    • Nomsa  April 21, 2021 at 11:53 am Reply

      Hi I had an abortion yesterday..because of this man Im dating is not responsible and I have a 17 years son and 3 years daughter.. he is always drunk and treats me like he doesn’t care about me we dating for 3 years he never changed i thoughts he will change after my pregnancy but still he favor my friends over me so I decided to do abortion yesterday but now I feel bad regarding please help what I did is the right thing and I’m not working

    • Ella  April 30, 2021 at 8:52 pm Reply

      Hi, so sorry you’re having to make this decision and I hope you’re not making it alone! You can often find support where you least expect it, I’m 21 and I had an abortion on March 6th. Honestly, I wasn’t prepared for the abortion no matter how much I read online, and I am struggling with grief afterwards. However!! This was the right decision for me, and I know I made this decision for a reason. And I know my reason is valid, I know I am strong enough to get through this and I’m trying to think in a way that I know this decision is right, and the right decision, even with a difficult few months, will be worth it in the long run. Sometimes things get worse before they get better, but I promise you’re stronger than you think x

    • J  May 16, 2021 at 10:34 am Reply

      Hi Zama,

      My heart goes out to you. I had an abortion 25 years ago at 15 and am still grieving. I was I had my baby. When I got married and wanted children, I had scar tissue blocking my fallopian tubes, which prevented me from getting pregnant naturally. I believe the scar tissue resulted from the abortion. I now have three children thanks to IVF and couldn’t imagine my life without my children. Know that God and your baby loves you, whether you aborted him/her or not. I am a born-again Christian and understand that abortion is murder. I’m not sure if you’ve had the abortion or not, but I encourage anyone not to. God spoke to me and urged me not to have the abortion, but I listened to my mom and grandmother tell me I wasn’t ready to raise a child. I thought about not being able to go to college and not having a social life. When I look back, I could’ve still finished school and raised my baby as a single mother. If you did have the abortion, ask God to forgive you, forgive yourself, get counseling if you need it, pray to seek healing from the grief. God is a forgiving, loving and healing God. I’m praying for you.

  28. Jay  March 14, 2021 at 11:29 pm Reply

    I had an abortion on 6 days ago. The experience is unreal and i never want to go through it again. I had instant regret after it was over, during and before the procedure. Truthfully i was ready to be a mom and it wasn’t an ideal situation as the father and i are not even in a relationship but i could’ve done it. It was the guy who wasn’t ready and i’m not going to force someone to be a father if they don’t want to, especially considering we aren’t even together. Yesterday, i sat in my car and said all the things i wanted to say. That it was a mistake, i regret it, i hate myself for not being strong enough to say i want this child, and i hate the father for not being ready and not being what i needed. It was a hard day and i’m sure it won’t be the last. I’ve read a lot of comments that are experiencing the same things so at least we aren’t truly alone, even if we feel that way. The topic of children and pregnancy are no longer felt with joy and anticipation of the day I’ll be ready. Thats one of the hardest things too.

    •  March 16, 2021 at 5:11 am Reply

      Hi Jay, I am online the same position I had a termination on Saturday 13th & it was most awful experience I never want to go through again. I have done nothing but cry uncontrollably since I cannot get to grips with it I feel my whole world hall fallen apart & feel nothing but regret & anger at myself, this is something I would never even have considered before it just never would have crossed my mind & I am so angry with myself that I went ahead & put myself through it all, I had to travel away from home as where I live although now legal there is no facilities after 9w 6d, so going to an unfamiliar place to people I don’t know & my family knowing nothing about it has destroyed me. I honestly don’t know how I will ever get over this, today would have been my booking in scan so it makes it even harder, I just wish I could form back the clock I would never have went through it & it’s somethings I will love with forever. You are not alone I promise x

  29. Anonymous34  March 11, 2021 at 3:58 pm Reply

    I’m struggling to put into words just how I feel. I went through with a termination yesterday and i felt instantly that it was the wrong decision. I can’t seem to function at all just now and I’m struggling, I’m a mess . I have no where to turn and just feel so alone trying to deal with so many emotions . I feel like Iv no right to feel this way either because of the decision I made. I hate myself for going through with it and can’t even put into words how much I regret my decision already.

    • First-timereachingout  March 28, 2021 at 8:18 pm Reply

      Im sorry you are experiencing this, it is painful. I’m currently going through very similar feelings to what you say you are.
      I’m struggling ALOT, no one knows what I’ve been through apart from my partner & I try not show it in front of others but I feel so different towards everyone now that they can sense I am not myself. I have no one to talk to either and that makes it hard.
      I regretted it from the moment I put that pill in my mouth. The whole experience has made a deep scar inside of me & it truely hurts like nothing else I’ve experienced. I too also hate myself deeply for going through with it, It makes me seriously sick thinking about IT. I had a choice and I made the biggest mistake of my life that cannot ever be undone or be replaced and that’s on me.
      Sending you my thoughts, this is hard and your not alone.

      • Sarah  April 7, 2021 at 12:28 pm

        This is my first time reaching out too.
        I too had an abortion to save the father and I regretted it the moment I took the pill.

        That was over month ago now and I sob uncontrollably every day.

        I made the worst decision, and I feel it deep in my soul. I am broken and alone and wish so much I could have my baby back.

        I wrote a suicide note today. I don’t want to cause more harm to anyone but I can’t get over this.

      • Isabelle Siegel  April 7, 2021 at 1:33 pm

        Sarah, I am so sorry to hear that you are going through this. Truly, my heart goes out to you. I understand your hopelessness, but please know that you have so much to live for. I highly encourage you to call the National Suicide Helpline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit their website where you can do a live online chat All the best to you.

      • Carol  April 17, 2021 at 3:41 pm

        I feel you so so much and exactly the same. Always talk about it, every emotion, as much as you want to. It’s a year now and I feel much better about it because of that.

      • Anonymous34  September 22, 2021 at 3:00 pm

        Iv not been myself since my termination. my decision has totally broken me. I turned to drink and I attempted suicide around 7 weeks ago as I just couldnt live with the guilt that I feel any longer. Iv since found a councillor but still I cant live with the decision I made as I know it was the wrong one 😭. I still struggle every single day and there hasn’t been a day where I haven’t broke down. The 10th of March is forever ingraved in my mind as being the day I made the worst decision and completely destroyed the person I once was

  30. Sadness  March 6, 2021 at 8:35 pm Reply

    I just had a medical abortion at 4 weeks. I want a baby more than anything else in the world. But I am not healthy. I am obese ( my abdomen is 44 inches around and I am only 5’2) possibly have a hernia and depressed right now from a long year of relationship problems in 2020.

    I feel so many emotions. Regret.. fear if I will have a healthy baby in the future… concerns over my decision.

    The things I think about that pull me back from the edge are the fact I don’t think I could have safely carried the baby, the pregnancy was at the stage where it was a cluster of cells much smaller than a strawberry seed, obese women have a higher chance of birth defects and pregnancy problems, and now I have the chance to get healthy and safely make my baby dream a reality.

    If anyone has anything nice to say I would really appreciate it… it may save me from myself.. thank you

    • Olga Chempinska  March 13, 2021 at 7:06 pm Reply

      Hello Sadness. I am felling for you so much. I have my abortion a year ago and sometimes is getting better but sometimes is very hard. I know that everybody will tell you that you have done right thing at the time. And is true..I am hoping that you will be able to overcome your health problems and get pregnant in the right time. Bless you. Sending you my support Olga

    • Anonymous  March 16, 2021 at 11:33 pm Reply

      I It has been over 3 years since I had an abortion. I had been with my partner for almost 10 years by then. He had lost his job and been bankrupted when I found out that I was more than 2 months pregnant. That’s also when I finally realized that my partner has a big spending issue. We are both immigrants and have no family to depend on. I’m from a rather large family with sick kids and the money was always short. I never want any kids to experience the feeling of seeing the empty fridge so often. I kept on searching about different fundings and financial supports to look for the ways to possibly bring up my child. The only way would be for me to get back to work soon after birthing and find at least another job. That would give me no time to spend with my child.
      I did not tell anyone about my pregnancy other than my physicians and my partner. Luckily, they all said that the decision on whether or not to have an abortion was up to me and that they would support.

      After the abortion, although I though that it was the right decision, I also felt so much anger and sadness. I felt that the abortion was the only option I had. I was in a mess whenever I saw people around me with their babies or little kids. They get to have their kids. Why I can not have that choice? I still remember holding my emotions so hard when my client told me that it is great to have kids and I should have some. Or when my boss(with 2 kids) jokingly told me not to have any kids because I would not be able to afford with my paycheque. My partner was supportive while I was in a mental mess. However, after a while, I think he got more than he could handle and said that he could not understand why I was still suffering emotionally because it was the right thing to do. So, I stopped talking about it with my partner. It must be difficult for him to handle me if he does not understand.

      My partner loves kids. He got a job as a school bus driver. That is great. I am happy for him. However, I feel so uncontrollably difficult and even an anger when my partner tries to decorate the bus for different events and get treats/balloons to those students. I feel resentment.

      This year, my partner’s family member is going to have a baby in April. April was when my baby was due. My partner was getting some baby items as a gift which is understandable. But I can not emotionally handle it. My sister is going to have her baby this fall. She had been wanting for a baby for so long, and I am happy for her. I still realize myself feeling the squeeze in my chest when my mom said she was excited to be a grandma. I had to end my pregnancy. No one congratulated. No celebration. I am just so angry but do not know what exactly I am angry about. I am tired to feel such way towards things people around me feel happy about

  31. Ana  February 14, 2021 at 4:40 am Reply

    I had an abortion on Dec 23, the day before christmas eve. I haven’t told anyone, including the father. I am not in a relationship with him but we work together so I still see him on occassion. He is also in a higher position at work so I feel like I can’t disclose this to anyone else in my life because they would not approve. I chose not to tell him because I wasn’t sure what his response would be. I was afraid he wouldn’t be supportive. Sometimes I think he would have been. But I find myself needing support and no one to talk to. I don’t regret getting the abortion but I know if I had been in a better financial position or if I had been in a committed relationship, I would have kept the baby. Sometimes I think I won’t get another chance to be a mom. All of this happened at a time when I am still dealing with the loss of my father as well. He died a couple of months ago.

    • Isabelle Siegel  February 17, 2021 at 12:34 pm Reply

      Ana, I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through this… and even more sorry to hear that you’ve been forced to do so alone. Your fear of never getting another chance to be a mom is so normal given what you just went through. Please know that if you want to be a mother, it is still a possibility in the future. It’s okay if now just wasn’t the right time. I’m also very sorry for the loss of your father. Do you have any friends or family that you can reach out to? If not, perhaps you should seek the support of a therapist trained in grief, which you can find here: All the best to you.

    • Bridgett  February 26, 2021 at 6:29 pm Reply

      I’m sorry you are feeling alone. I had an abortion January 23rd 2012 when I was 17, so it will be coming up to 10 years. It is still hard. You are not alone and there is help out there. Reddit has a sub specifically catered to women who have had or need one and as the article mentions exhale is a great choice. I’m really sorry for everything you went through, and for your lost love. Please please never forget you are not alone, as time goes on you will realize the more you open up to others or have these types of conversations they went through it too. Abortion is very common and you deserve to be happy, you are and will be a great mother.

  32. Anonymous33  January 3, 2021 at 12:02 pm Reply

    In another two weeks time I will be having a termination of pregnancy. I feel guilty for making this decision but there’s no way for me and my ex to mend our relationship as it was toxic n emotionally abusive where he suspect n question my loyalty daily, controlling etc. I told him about the pregnancy n he said he would try to accept me back if I “change” – To succumb to all his controlling behavior to gain his trust and prove my loyalty to him. I know these r all obvious symptoms of paranoid personality disorder. N I know it is impossible for him to get help as he has a reputable profession that put him in a higher position than others therefore he thinks he is always right. this will only bring more suffering and harm to me and the baby as he will only continue to distrust me and the baby in the future if we continue with this toxic relationship. I have no one to turn to and I feel sad n tear up everytime thinking about what will happen in another 2 weeks.

    • IsabelleS  January 4, 2021 at 1:07 pm Reply

      I’m so very sorry that you’re going through this. It sounds as though you are making the best decision for yourself, and that’s so important. I think you should give yourself some credit for being able to prioritize yourself in that way! At the same time, it’s okay to grieve the loss of the pregnancy. Allow yourself to feel what you need to feel.

    • Katherine Poulson  January 15, 2021 at 1:40 pm Reply

      I just had one 3 days ago because i have pulmonary hypertension and its so serious was a really high chance i would die. Ever since i woke up from the procedure i cant stop crying thw baby was perfect o feel so guilty and wish i had my baby back i ca t deal with theaw feelings and dint know what to do oh god whag if i
      Ade the wromf decision what if we survived. Idk what to do ill never b ol

      • Isabelle Siegel  January 18, 2021 at 10:41 am

        Katherine, I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through this. I hope you know that what you’re feeling–the regret, sadness, and grief–is normal and okay. You will find a way to continue… but this grief may always be a part of you, and that’s okay! I recommend you read this article: All the best to you.

      • Sal  December 24, 2022 at 8:24 pm

        I had a medical abortion, about 4 days ago. I am 42 married and have to daughters 12 and 6 years old. My last pregnancy was a very high risk one preclamsia and my daughter was born very small, came early 37 weeks after being kept poked and prodded in hospital for weeks then! When I found out I was pregnant recently, both my husband and I were happy but my health and age factor was risky still we hoped…then I went to the hospital 10 weeks checkup the hypertension was back, they wanted to admit me straight away. I could imagine the next 9 months with this condition stuck everyday in hospital. I did not want to bring an unhealthy baby into this world and what off my other kids they need me too. I work full time. My husband wanted this baby too and loves children but he did not want to risk me and my health. So we got a medical abortion. I wish my body was stronger, and I could have carried my baby to full time but my body could not. I regret that I was unable to. I believe in God and his will in my life. I feel so guilty what I did. My husband says we must not talk about it. I made this decision based on my health risk to carry it to term and the inconvenience of it being frequently to hospital abandoning my girls and job would have been too much! I hope God understands my choice. That I could not accept his gift of bringing another life into this world…which is a hard place more so for a child that could have been born with birth deformities and the like. I pray God still loves me. I feel so lonely, sad, regretful just trying to stay busy, with Christmas a day away I feel guilty to even think of enjoying it. God Help Me. I am sorry I did this, that feels unnatural to your will of procreation in this world. Father, please find it in your heart to forgive me because I am having a difficult time forgiving myself. I am sorry God.

    • Anonymous6  January 15, 2021 at 5:52 pm Reply

      I’ve never wrote on one of these things before, but I saw how recent your post is & that it hasn’t quite been 2 weeks that you left it, I just want to say, if you haven’t already gone through with a termination, please please make sure you think about your decision, as you said you was feeling sad everytime you think about it, the only advise I can give from my own experiences is to make sure you 100% know what you want to do & don’t rush into any decision because of feeling pressured or unsure, as once something like that is done it can’t be undone,
      hope your ok & you make the best choice for yourself, take care x

    • Anonymous person  January 16, 2021 at 3:11 am Reply

      I have to be honest with you , I just had my first abortion….. and I’ve been miserable ever since , believe me you don’t want to go through the regretful part

    • Katherine M Poulson  January 17, 2021 at 10:51 am Reply

      Please read and talk to others who have had one i wish to god i did. Doctors recommended terminating cuz i have pulmonary hypertension amd most likely wouldnt hsve survived so January 12 i had it done cant stop. Crying cabr sleep j regret it more than anything i didn’t know id feel like this amd its unbearable

  33. Alex  December 30, 2020 at 4:27 pm Reply

    On January 3, it will be 5 years since I terminated an unplanned pregnancy. I was teaching in England and met a man and we dated for almost two years. He spent an entire summer with my family back in Canada. I decided to stay in the UK for the following Christmas because our nee long distance relationship was taking a toll.
    I found out I was pregnant in a foreign country with a man who was trying to end our relationship, over Christmas break.
    I had noone to turn to. I was 8 weeks along. I didnt even question the specific procedure the hospital in north-west England used – induction abortion. It took me five years to finally Google the procedure. After the 8 hour delivery process, he left me alone woth his retired father while he went to work. Two days later, he had his father put me in a train back to my town so I could go back to work and “normal.”
    He left me shortly after. A few months later, my visa was denied and I had to move home.

    To explain the scope of my emotional rollercoaster is impossible. I made an attempt on my life that landed me in the hospital. There was noone willing to let me express my pain grief and despair and it literally almost killed me.

    On the outside, I am a 32 yr old successful, single home owning world traveller, but I have lost so much trust in relationships that I have not had a relationship since. I have made great progress with the help of trauma therapy, but triggers are present and I do my best to manage. I always ask “would my pain be less if the hospital did a different procedure? If i didnt have to have an ultrasound? If my partner didnt leave me?” But I dont think so. Loss is simply loss.
    My mother always says “when will you get over it?” Will we ever? I think I can heal, but I can never forget.

    You are not alone x

    • IsabelleS  January 1, 2021 at 1:57 pm Reply

      Alex, I’m so sorry to hear you went through this. Thank you for sharing your story. I’m happy to hear that you’re doing better. That being said, you may never fully forget and move on… and that’s okay! I highly recommend you check out this article: It’s so normal to have a ton of “what if” questions after a loss, but you’re right… Loss is simply loss. You too are not alone. To anyone reading this who is thinking of hurting themselves, or even if who just needs someone to talk with, please call the National Suicide Helpline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit their website where you can do a live online chat All the best.

    • Bridgett  February 26, 2021 at 6:32 pm Reply

      Oh my sweet heart you have been through so much, I have no words except I’m sorry.

  34. Liz  December 11, 2020 at 11:26 am Reply

    I have just taken my pill and feel so much regret and so much emotions, i cant stop crying. I have 3 children, 15, 11, 7. Me and my patner are happy and im just starting my career as a nurse. I feel evil and selfish. I eish i never took it but i didnt want another baby, my children are older now and im just finding my own feet. I thought now is my time, i have done my mommy duties, but the feel of regret is killing me, did anyone else feel like this

    • Ang  December 19, 2020 at 11:17 pm Reply

      I took my pill a week ago. I felt regret by the evening. I’ve been a wreck all week. I cried in a baby clothes section of the store today. I didn’t want to be pregnant, I was scared to death the 3 weeks I knew. But when it was over, I missed my baby. I have 2 kids 19 and 21. I’m 42, and unmarried. I felt embarrassed so that’s the main reason I made the choice and now I feel it was a big mistake.

      • IsabelleS  December 21, 2020 at 11:16 am

        Ang, I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through this. What you’re experiencing–the regret, guilt, sadness, etc.–is normal and valid after a loss of this type. Be gentle with yourself.

    • Nicole  January 6, 2021 at 2:30 pm Reply

      Liz, I am feeling the exact same way as you. My children are older, my husband had a vasectomy and I was just finally finding my feet as my own person. You are not alone and thank you for making me not feel so alone

      • Lauren  February 19, 2021 at 11:33 pm

        I am currently 16 weeks pregnant with my third baby, and my husband and I found out recently that our daughter not only has down syndrome, but also other health complications that would require invasive surgery post-birth and possible life long complications. These findings have absolutely crushed us, as our baby girl is VERY wanted. We have decided not to go forward with the pregnancy because of the low quality of life she would have, and it has been the hardest decision we have ever made. The grief I feel is immeasurable, and my husband and I have spent the majority of the last 3 days crying.
        However, I feel like I do not have the right to grieve, given the fact that we are the ones who are making the decision to end her life. Even though our decision comes 100% out of love and an unwillingness to see her suffer in any way, the guilt I feel is overwhelming. I love her so much, and she was very much a planned and wanted final piece of our family puzzle.
        The feeling of sadness and longing and shame feels so strong that I do not know how I will ever be able to move past this. I would give anything to have our little girl come out healthy, and the fact that I am unable to do that breaks my heart.
        I always wanted three children, but I told my husband that this was it – we would not be going ahead and trying again. I feel like it would be an insult to our little girl, to end her life and then try again for a ‘normal’ baby. I don’t know if that is me being overdramatic or not, but the shame I feel prevents me from having a differing perspective.
        I wish I could tell my daughter how sorry I am, how I wish with every fibre of my being that this was not how this pregnancy went. I beg for her forgiveness, and for her to know that this decision came solely out of love for her and the kind of life she deserved to lead, which was not the one she was going to get. I want her to know that she will never, ever be forgotten, that she will always be remembered as a beloved member of our family and whenever someone asks me how many children I have, the answer will be three. 2 in my arms, and 1 in my heart.

    • Anna  January 9, 2021 at 4:06 am Reply

      Liz, I had a medical abortion a year ago -February 2020. It still kills me to this day. My niece was born 2wks after my abortion and every time i see her it is like a knife to my heart. You are not alone. Since my abortion nearly 12months ago I have self harmed, attempted suicide and have been in such a dark place. I haven’t told my family what I’ve been through and I struggle every day alone. I am a 31yr old nurse trying to find my way in this world.

      • Rach  January 14, 2021 at 7:18 am

        You are not alone.
        You have a place in this world that is bright and beautiful. It is yours.
        You have encountered something scary and you are still here spreading your light. Thank you for being so brave ❤

    • Anonymous yes  January 16, 2021 at 3:23 am Reply

      Yes we are in the same pair of shoes , me and my husband have 3 kids 8,5,1 I found out that I’m pregnant with the 4th and I just didn’t want it or want anymore and ever since my abortion I have nothing but regret and guilt

    • Sad Momma  July 26, 2022 at 9:04 pm Reply

      I am in a similar position. My children are 10 and 7. I feel the same way as you. I had just reached a time where I was finally able to pursue some of my own passions and experience freedom of having older children.

      I unexpectedly found myself pregnant and had an abortion 2 days ago at 7weeks. I only told 3 people about my pregnancy and was shocked when everyone’s first reaction was saying: “you don’t have to be pregnant”. Being 40 also didn’t help this reaction, I suppose. Because of my age, I was scared of problems that are more common. scared of so many what-ifs (all things that I will never ever know).

      Since, I’m healthy and in a great financial position to raise a child. I feel that I let fear and overwhelm get the best of me. The whole time I considered ending my pregnancy seems like a blurry dream – an out of body experience, led by a lot of people supporting me to go through with it (while during this time the only time I felt peace was to imagine life with our new baby) otherwise, I felt sadness and grief even before making a final decision.

      I ultimately told myself this decision was for my family, not just for me. Now that it is done, I’m left feeling numb and questioning who I am. When I look in the mirror, I no longer see the kind and caring person/mother I used to be. I don’t know who am I or why I did such a thing. My husband and I both deeply and painfully regret our rushed decision. I think most people around me were supporting me to have an abortion, but no one really understood how my heart felt. i also didn’t really give myself a chance to open my heart to see what could have been. I’m not sure how I will learn to forgive myself for the loss I caused. I will be seeking counselling, because I am so overwhelmed by so many feelings – none of those feelings being relief. I shouldn’t have done this. I’m grateful for the access I had, but not happy about the lack of emotional support prior to making such a permanent and life changing decision.

  35. Olive  November 13, 2020 at 4:05 pm Reply

    I had my abortion on 30th October 2020. I am engaged and getting married on 30th July 2023. I am 27 years old and bought my first home with my fiancé. During COVID I’ve had a really difficult time mentally dealing with something significant from my childhood that has affected me during COVID. I came off the pill in June 2020 as I felt mentally it was making me worse and had a friend diagnosed with a brain tumour associated with the pill. One time me and my fiancé didn’t “wrap it up” and got caught up in the moment. At 27 with a good career I always thought if it happens I’ll be happy. I found out I was pregnant in October. I hysterically cried not out of happiness out of sadness. I realised then and there I didn’t want to have kids right now, one day on the future…yes. I spoke my mum and sister who supported my decision and my fiancé. He was brillant. I had pain in my ovary and bleeding. They thought I was ectopic so I got an emergency scan and found out I was pregnant with twins. At this point I was hysterical and became manic. After my abortion it’s been 15 days and I just stopped bleeding. More recently I’ve struggled with what I felt was loss. Even grief. I couldn’t understand why I felt relieved but sad and like something had been taken away. I feel sad that I took away a what if but also relieved because mentally I wasn’t in a place to have a child let alone two. But the overwhelming judgement and feeling that I shouldn’t be grieving for something I chose to lose. But here I am feeling grief….feeling loss….feeling pain and feeling relief. I don’t even know if this helps anyone but you are never alone. I didn’t want to bring my children into this world when I wasn’t well or when a global pandemic is ongoing. I want to have children does that make me a bad person for choosing to not kept the two cells forming in my womb? No. It doesn’t. Am I allowed to Grîeve this loss? Yes, I am. I am allowed to feel the loss and sadness but now in my heart I did the right thing and in years to come I hope I’ll be lucky to be pregnant and feel excitement and joy not extreme dread and terror. Coming here and reading the comments made me feel like I wasn’t being judged. I’m not sure this made sense maybe I’m just word vomiting my thoughts. But to anyone out there who finds themselves pregnant not wanting to keep it…you are not a bad person. It doesn’t matter your age, financial status, relationships status it doesn’t matter. You are NEVER alone and never ever should be judged. Sending all my love to you all because it’s hard.

    • Bec  December 13, 2020 at 3:32 pm Reply

      Hi, I had an abortion 15 years ago when I was 15 years old. I was told by my parents and the father that I had no other choice and believed that was the right thing to do at the time. I was quite far along as I didn’t have periods so hadn’t realised, I was almost at the cut off point for abortion when I found out. As terrible as it sounds, once I had the abortion I never thought about it again until now 15 years later. I feel like something is missing from me, I have the most vivid dreams of my baby and I can never get to him in time in the dreams. I just wondered if this is normal to feel this after all this time and is anyone out there feeling the same x

      • IsabelleS  December 14, 2020 at 11:23 am

        Bec, I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this. I think it’s completely normal to think about and grieve an abortion even years after it has occurred. You were quite young when this all happened, so it’s totally okay that you’re just coming to terms with it now. Allow yourself the time and space to grieve your loss.

      • Jackie brown  April 1, 2021 at 11:18 pm

        Yes it’s normal. I had an abortion over 20 years ago. I definitely feel like something is missing. Unfortunately after I was never able to get pregnant again. I personally don’t believe in abortions anymore. Now I realize it’s a gift from God. Please think long term. Your baby is precious 💗and your lifetime treasure 💖

    • Oana  December 15, 2020 at 4:42 pm Reply

      Hi there, i just wanted to say that i too have just had an abortion of twins and i completly understand everything you are saying and feeling. I feel exactly the same. Deep Deep sadness, guilt for letting this happen to me and guilt for not letting it happen as it was so unique… Twins… It just breaks my heart. But as you said…. The panic and terror that i experienced while pregnant at The thought of not being mentally capa le to care for 2 children… It was excruciating like nothing i ever felt în my life…. I can only hope i Will learn to live with my decision and be well eventually. I wish you all the Best!

      • IsabelleS  December 17, 2020 at 10:13 am

        Oana, I’m very sorry to hear that you’re going through this. Grief after abortion is truly so unique. I hope this article has shown you that you’re not alone. All the best to you.

  36. J  October 23, 2020 at 2:53 am Reply

    I aborted 3 days ago. I was 5 weeks and 2 days. It was my first pregnancy. When the procedure was done I felt like something in my heart died that day. I have tried my best to tell myself it was for the best. But now I’m filled with guilt and regret. I look at myself and I feel like this isn’t me anymore. I feel defeated in every possible way. These past days I’m filled with a lot of thoughts one of them is I’m afraid I’m might not be able to have kids someday due to the abortion. I wish I would’ve thought better my decision. I wish I had someone to tell me “are you sure” before I did what I did.

    • IsabelleS  October 23, 2020 at 10:39 am Reply

      Hi, I am so sorry for your loss and for this pain you are experiencing. I want you to know that your feelings of guilt and regret are perfectly normal and valid. I recommend you check out this article: You are not alone in this. All the best to you!

    • Bmarano  November 22, 2020 at 1:25 am Reply

      I feel this… I had no support everyone in my ear telling me to do it.. my mother telling me she would no longer be in my life if I kept the child. I already have one child I’m raising completely alone.. the guy I was with we had got into a terrible fight and I honestly didn’t see us fixing thing’s down the road.. I felt trapped. This was in March.. I was 6 weeks, the child would’ve been born by now.. I barely sleep, I break down constantly, I feel like a monster for what I did and I have no idea how I’ll ever heal… ever be able to forgive myself for what I did.

      • Anna  January 9, 2021 at 4:13 am

        Bmarano you are not alone! I am the exact same as you. I had a medical abortion in Feb. 2020 – i regret it every single day and I’ve barely coped with it. My niece was born 2wks after my abortion and it is honestly like a knife to my heart every time I see her.

        No one tells you how hard an abortion is and the guilt you go through. I have self harmed since and attempted suicide. No one in my family knows about the abortion and I feel so alone everyday.

      • Mia  January 10, 2021 at 2:15 am

        I was in the same situation. I’m a single parent and I found out I was 6 wks pregnant. This was a year ago. The guy I was in a relationship with wasnt very supportive and I really didnt want to go through another pregnancy with someone who wasnt going to be there for me. So I understand. I was so scared and panicked. It was an aweful experience, I dont reccomend it. But I do get triggered by certain things like baby things. I still grieve a year later and I regret what I did. But theres hope and better days coming.

  37. LG  October 8, 2020 at 12:45 am Reply

    I thought I could just sweep my emotions and the abortion under a rug afterwards and since I had It done July 2020, there has been nothing easy about it. I am married, 35 years old and I have two kids ages 16 and 4. I’ve tried to make sense of what I did and this is why I think I made the choice I did. I let the fear of COVID influence my decision and the fact that I lost my job also due to COVID. I felt alone and the morning sickness I had was overwhelming. When I had the ultrasound at 8 weeks they said it was two embryos which also made me panic. I feel terrible for what I did and the nightmare is not going away. I often feel like I should have another baby so the pain will stop because I also found joy in the idea of a future with one more child. Anyone else feel this way? Also did COVID influence anyone else’s decision? The regret is killing me.

    • Michelle  October 9, 2020 at 11:54 am Reply

      I was pregnant at the beginning of covid… I had an in clinic abortion @7 weeks.. I allowed the child’s father to instill fear in me, he made it very clear that covid would kill the baby, amongst other stuff. I fell into a deep depression, started seeing a therapist and started a bible study called “healing hearts” it’s helped me a lot, it’s a course for post abortive women. Look into it it may help you. Stay well and healthy, and we all share your pain.❤️

      • Sierra  November 14, 2020 at 7:47 pm

        Hi! I myself have had two abortions one when I was 18 and one when I was 19 and I have been dealing with post abortion pain for almost 3 years now and I didn’t understand the intensity of it until I read the healing choice after abortion book it really helps you think of things in different ways and really was able to bring some peace to my situation even though I still have bad days. Besides that I now realize how angry I am that there is barely to zero talk or support groups for women going though post abortion pain…around me anyway. I would love to have a safe space to share stories and feelings and get to know people who have been through the same experience as me. I have no one to talk to in my life that would understand the situation I had endured but I know a lot of women feel the same way and that is why we push our pain away!! If anyone would like to talk about their pregnancy/abortion experience please contact me at [EMAIL REMOVED] I would love to start my own “support” group I guess just a place for people to talk about what they went through and different coping methods and or journaling ideas maybe!!! I just don’t know enough people or how to get startred

    • Mia  January 10, 2021 at 2:18 am Reply

      I was actually slightly influenced by covid too last year, I was scared to be pregnant alone and dealing with covid pandemic.

  38. Anon  October 3, 2020 at 8:08 pm Reply

    He said that we had discussed what we would do if I fell pregnant. I have a teenage daughter and uterine polpys. I’ve not fallen pregnant in 13 years so didn’t think i could. When I did, he was shocked. He’s 11 years younger than me. He said we would have to get rid and he would be there for me. I had really bad sciatica and could barely walk. I lost my job and my course. He drove me to the clinic. Couldn’t do enough for me. We both cried together. I said we would make it mean something. Get him and me a better job. Make something of our lives. He told me he didn’t want me two days ago. He left me. I had the abortion 5 weeks ago

  39. Anonymous  October 3, 2020 at 1:40 am Reply

    I had an abortion August 8,2020 and I thought I could just sweep my feelings underneath a rug and convince myself I made the right decision. Right now I regret it. I feel selfish and a shame that I aborted it. My boyfriend didn’t want it so I really had no choice but to go through with the abortion. I don’t even feel like he was supportive during the whole process. I just feel horrible and I want to wake up out of this nightmare! Anyone else feel this way?

    • LG  October 8, 2020 at 12:55 am Reply

      My circumstances were different, but I feel the exact same way about the abortion. I regretted taking the first pill and by then it was too late to turn back. Worst experience of my life and I’m still struggling with it. July 2020 is when I had mine. I’m hoping talking to others who understand will help. I feel so selfish and shameful. Thinking of looking into therapy and possibly depression medication.

      • Mary Jo  October 27, 2020 at 12:24 pm

        For those of you who are hurting, there are book studies and Bible studies available. Rachel’s Vineyard retreat weekends are confidential, but put you in touch with others so you know you are not alone. The retreat weekend is scripture-based and has helped countless people. There are 1000 retreats per year worldwide.
        Know that you are loved, not judged!

    • Phil. Lapinska  October 31, 2020 at 6:52 am Reply

      It happened to be 34 years ago, My boyfriend didn’t want me to have the baby and also convinced me it wasn’t a baby and I believed him bcos I wasn’t strong I was gullible and Naive , There’s not a day that goes by i think about what I did, The pain never leaves you, A part of me died that day, I went on a retreat to Rachel’s vineyards to help women like us, It was a great retreat other women there under the same circumstances, There were 10 of us that was about 5 years ago, it helped and I know god forgave me, but I still can’t forgive me, I’ve 2 children a boy and a girl and unfortunately my Daughter has severe Autism and learning disabilities, I made a huge mistake having an abortion I wouldn’t wish it on anybody as you have to live with it for the rest of your life, but forgiveness is always there from God, I hope you’ll be ok and forgive yourself, you gain an inner strength

  40. Kesha  October 2, 2020 at 6:19 am Reply

    During the time I found out I was pregnant I was angry at my ex because he was very manipulative. I had never dealt with a guy like that it was so embarrassing and I wanted out. Before I confirmed the pregnancy it’s like I already knew. I had a name picked out and deep down I felt like I knew the gender. My ex was excited about becoming a first time dad but I was ashamed. Instead of putting myself first and taking time to focus on what I wanted, I put what I felt my family and friends would want. In my family if you had children during your early 20’s you were seen as a failure like your life was over. Me just being 23 I didn’t want to go through the negative feed back from my family. My ex begged me to keep it but I felt I was doing the right thing. The name I picked out was similar to a close relative who was murdered a month after I had the abortion. At the time the name similarities didn’t dawn on me but afterwards it killed me inside. I never told my family about the abortion but now a year later three family members are pregnant. My sister thought of a name similar to the name I picked out for the baby i aborted. Crazy part about it is I never told anyone the name not even my ex. I can’t help but assume that I messed up part of my destiny. If I could go back I would have kept the baby. Now I’m sad guilty and ashamed for not even taking time to consider my decision. I feel like I took a opportunity away from my ex and it bothers me to know I didn’t think of how the abortion would affect him. My behavior was very selfish I thought a baby would mess up my life. Here I am a year later wondering if I can make up for the abortion. Will I be given a second chance? It doesn’t feel like I’ll get the opportunity to have any more kids and that is what hurts the most.

  41. Charlene  October 1, 2020 at 4:17 pm Reply

    I feel really guilty I was 16 and basically forced to have an abortion I’ve hated myself ever since I have 4 beautiful children now with a different man and I love them with all my heart but my heart aches for the baby I lost I imagine how old they would be now and what they may have looked like I feel I can’t grieve for the baby I think about it everyday

  42. Tammy Jacobsin  September 1, 2020 at 11:54 am Reply

    It’s been 40 years since i had my abortion. The guilt,pain and shame,regret is a burden i still carry. We had used protection and it failed. They had just came out with the abortion pill and that is how things were terminated in the medical facility. I begged my parents to help me but they refused and told me i had shamed them. Planned parenthood recommended my only option was termination. The father agreed because of his family’s strict religious preference and pregnancy outside of marriage. I was so heartbroken and lost,cried many tears and tried suicide. 40 Years later my own dad told my kids what had happened, i was speechless i could not believe, my father would do this,as it was my place to tell my children if i choose and when the time was right. My 26 year old daughter has since brought it up every chance she gets in a evil way! she posts it on social media and to anyone who will listen about what her mother did. I am beyond heartbroken! i stay home and dont go anywhere, all the memories and regret came flooding back. I will never understand how she can do this….Please help!

  43. Aileena  August 7, 2020 at 11:31 am Reply

    I got pregnant by another man during the time me and my ex were not together. I told him the truth and he did not want me to have the baby. He let telling all the ways the abortion would be a better option. Then we stop talking again and once we did I wanted my baby. I loved my baby without a doubt. But a month goes by and my toxic ex comes back into my life telling me to get an abortion. Telling me how it’s the right choice. I have an abortion and ever since I did I regret it. I’ve cried everyday almost for 2 weeks. I’m so heart broken so disgusted with myself that I couldn’t get out of my ex grasp and keep my baby. I hate myself for it and know I will struggle tremendously for a while.

    • Brenda  August 16, 2020 at 3:34 am Reply

      My heart goes out to you. I hope you find some peace with the decision you made. I would definitely suggest leaving him for good or not letting him come back. He seems very controlling and you don’t need toxicity in your life. Everyone says that we made the right decision for ourselves in that moment. I hope it’s true but it’s been 2 yrs since my abortion and I have ups and downs. When I’m down, I get really down. Just know that wanting to die is never a good thought and you should really talk to someone who can help put your mind at ease. You have your whole life ahead of you, and when the time eventually does come, I like to think our babies will be waiting for us to love them when we’re at rest from the world and have no other factors keeping us from being their mommy. I hope I helped you with what I’ve said.
      I was single, working with a guy, he said he had an “open” relationship with his gf. We had sex several times, but never talked about our feelings on abortion. I have been very against it, for my life, I always felt like if I would ever get pregnant, it was God’s plan. We went half on the plan b, when he didn’t have a condom and the next time we had sex, I honestly don’t remember thinking much about it, because he hadn’t mentioned getting the pill again and I was really short on money, so I couldn’t afford to get one. So a month later I was laid off, and the next day I went to get an iud inserted and the dr told me I was pregnant. My mom, sister and aunt all told me I should get an abortion and I was still debating it. I went into the clinic and still scared, the guy gave me half the money for an abortion and said he didn’t want anything to do with it. I felt I had no choice, no job, no support and no father for it. I was scared, it hurt really bad because I had to drive home so I couldn’t get the anesthesia, and I actually felt it come out. The dr said, before the procedure, “what do I have to do or say to make sure you don’t come in here again?” I said nothing because I’m never doing it again. But still 2 yrs later, I’m still having guilt and shame and wish I had never done it.
      You won’t always feel this bad but for me, I still am trying to cope. I had two boys before all of this happened and they’re the light of my life. I often wonder how I would’ve made it work having three children. I know mine was a girl, because my boys gave me no morning sickness and with her, I was really sick. I named her Isabella Nicole. I have a counselor and it has really helped me to cope with the loss. I strongly recommend talking to someone. I’ve often felt like I was making my friends feel uncomfortable when I would talk to them about it, even though they had abortions as well. I felt like me bringing up my stuff would make them feel bad about their decisions. Anyway, you’ll laugh again, you’ll smile, the sun will still come up, you’ll have good and bad days, so my advice is to be kind to yourself and forgive yourself. ??

    • Mia  January 10, 2021 at 2:25 am Reply

      Find peace within yourself and forgive yourself. God will forgive you. Everyone makes mistakes.

  44. Aileena  August 7, 2020 at 11:17 am Reply

    I stopped talking to my ex and ended up pregnant by another man. But my ex came back into my life he’s a major reason I got my abortion. He told me he didn’t want me to have a baby by someone else and I couldn’t ld take care of another kid. He putso many doubts in my head. then he Left me a again So I came to terms on keeping my baby. A month went on and I love my baby still but my ex came around d and planned that get an abortion it’s the right thing to do. And I did and I regret it since I did it I can’t stop crying I just want my baby back. I wish I had the strong me telling myself I could do it. I’m so heart broken and depressed I just want to die.

    • Jacki  September 14, 2020 at 5:23 pm Reply

      I am so sorry to hear this. I feel like I want to die everyday too. I don’t know if we can reach out to each other but know I am sharing your pain. I feel like the scum of the earth and just want my baby back. That’s all I need. I’m so sorry

      • Eleanor Haley  September 15, 2020 at 11:55 am

        Aileena and Jacki,

        My heart goes out to you. I’m so sorry for the pain you’re experiencing.

        I realize you weren’t necessarily saying that you were considering hurting yourself, but for anyone reading this I’d just like to take a moment to remind people that there is hope out there. And if anyone reading this is thinking of harming themselves, we urge them to please get support right away.

        Things like depression and sadness sometimes feel like permanent states, but they’re not. Finding ways to cope – perhaps by getting connected with a group or therapist or exploring other outlets – can help people get through each day, one by one, until things start feeling a little more manageable.

        If anyone is thinking of harming themselves, please call 911, go to your local ER, or call the suicide prevention hotline at 1-800-273-8255.

        Even if a person ISN’T actively thinking of hurting themselves, the hotline number is for preventions so it’s a place where you can talk with someone any time, just when you need someone to talk to. Any of those resources can also help you get connected with a therapist if you aren’t already.

        Those who have health insurance can call the number on their insurance card for more information. You can also find a listing of grief therapists specifically on

        Please take care and we hope you find some support through our articles and the comments here.

  45. Holly  July 24, 2020 at 10:23 pm Reply

    Wow I’m so grateful for finding this article, and for the brave commenters sharing their experiences. I took the abortion pills 2 weeks ago, even though I was happy when I found out I was pregnant. But I saw my partners dissapointment when we took the test, and I thought I could not do this to him again. We already had one unplanned pregnancy that we kept, but financially it has held us back alot. I took the first pill all the while hoping he would tell me not to. I wish I hadn’t now, ofcourse. I’ve been getting flashbacks since then wishing I could have been braver and just stopped myself from making the decision I did. It’s so hard. I hate existing in a world where finances determine so much, when I see pregnant people I feel sad and resentful and like I wasn’t allowed to keep my baby. Ofcourse I could have though, ultimately I’m to blame… I just didn’t realise how much I would think nothing else matters after this. All the things I thought I was prioritising (uni, work, myself) I now realise were not more important than the pregnancy. It’s too late to go back and I struggle so much with that. I am getting counselling, I quit my job so I can spend more time with my daughter whose nearly 2, and my partner and I have talked to each other openly like we never have before – planning future babies and so many good things – so there is light at the end of the tunnel. I hope that everyone else here can find their light at the end of the tunnel and forgive themselves. It is going to be a journey for sure. Reading these stories, even though some are so sad I feel a bit more healed knowing that I am not alone in this journey.

  46. Michelle  July 8, 2020 at 12:10 pm Reply

    I had an abortion 5/6/20. The minute I told the guy I had been seeing he told me I had to pop the pill… I asked him to talk to his parents for guidance and he said both his parents told him I should have an abortion. He maliciously convinced me, he told me that this was the best decision “for us” and that he would be here for me through it all and after to help me and help him. He ensure he drove me to the clinic made sure he waited, when I had the ultrasound I sent him the ultrasound and he said “I see the picture”, he wanted nothing to do with me or the baby I felt. He told me that if I didn’t get it done he would be mad at me. So I did it, 5 days after the procedure he bailed out, after he told me he’d be here… I have been drinking to band aid my pain and have been making reckless choices. So I found a bible study group to help me heal. I’m in a deep depression and I feel like I have no way out. I feel shame and regrets, lots of it… ?

    • Brenda  August 16, 2020 at 3:45 am Reply

      Keep your head up, I’m glad to hear you’ve gotten some help. It is what it is and we have to keep pushing on, if not for us, then for our kids. I have two boys and then had an abortion 2 yrs ago. I feel guilt, remorse and shame. Never thought I would ever do that. But I have a counselor with the Catholic dioceses, I’m not Catholic, but they don’t care, and they have financial aid as well, in the states, if you are here. But I’m sure your church can lead you to a support group or counselor, if you want one. I hope you can forgive yourself and find some peace. ?

  47. Autumn  June 30, 2020 at 1:31 am Reply

    Holy crap your experience is just like mine. I’ve been scrolling through here feeling overwhelmed that this feeling, this pain might continue on for years and years to come. I had an abortion June 15th and it felt so fast because you don’t have a lot of time and I was working a lot when I had to make the decision and also sick all day and every day from morning sickness. The man I was seeing had a girlfriend for the first 5 months we were dating, I didn’t know. I knew after a couple months that he was on a break from a relationship but I didn’t know that wasn’t true. He was supportive of my decision but not in the “we’ll be in a relationship and build a family” kind of way. It breaks my heart. Because I want the family version. I really do. I thought I was infertile, I’m 30 and in my early 20’s I was married for a couple years and my ex husband and I tried to have a baby but were never able to conceive. I’m very sad at the timing and the fact that I got pregnant with someone who doesn’t see a future with me. Abortion consumes your brain the entire time you’re pregnant, with the question of should you or shouldn’t you, then when the decision is final and over, you can’t help but try to peep into the decision you didn’t make, just to see if you actually did make the correct choice. The problem with this is that your hormones are dumping, solidifying the negative emotions as something tangible, instead of fleeting. It’s all quite messed up. I never ever thought I would be in this position or have to make this decision. I’m missing a lot of work and I’m trying to find a therapist. I kind of don’t want things to get better, I don’t want to move on with my life. There doesn’t feel like there is any meaning in anything. The father recently told me he’s my “friend”, and I am doubly sad because he doesn’t see me as anything more and I am going through the worst experience of my life alone.

  48. mecca  June 28, 2020 at 11:21 pm Reply

    I had an abortion 3 and half years ago and I didn’t start feeling the pain until now. it breaks my heart that I didn’t even think twice about having my baby. I have been having mental break downs every day crying watching abortion videos. this is the dark side of abortion that you may not feel once it happen but it can hit you later in life. I don’t know how to forgive myself. the pain hurt so bad and it was the worst decision I ever made. worst day of my life and I wish someone talked me out of it.

  49. Holly  June 27, 2020 at 12:23 pm Reply

    I had a two day abortion June 21 made a month. I didn’t realize it would have a change on my body the way it has. I felt it was the right decision since I had two kids already and it was difficult to have an abortion earlier with covid going on. Anyway I feel sad and depress about how my vagina looks different and don’t know how to fix it and how I lost a little firmness my breast lost. I feel bad about the abortion but I can’t begin to explain my situation. But with my body issues I feel worse and depress and want to just cry all day.

  50. Jenn  June 22, 2020 at 1:45 am Reply

    Hi ladies,

    I just had a medical abortion yesterday. It was a choice I was certain on as I know I’m not ready for children yet. I was not expecting the overwhelming range of emotions that came with this procedure despite my certainty. Not only was the situation obviously very stressful, i experienced deep sadness and suicidal thoughts. The pain wasn’t as great for me as for some I have read about. The first day the doctor had prescribed Tylenol 3s, which helped immensely that first day. It’s only the second day so who knows what else is in store but I wanted to let others know what to expect. It’s a really hard decision to make and a really difficult process to endure. I haven’t been able to sleep more than 5-6 hours for the last week or so since I found out I was pregnant.

  51. Kasey  June 18, 2020 at 11:58 pm Reply

    I’m 19 years old. A few days ago I got an abortion pill. I’m in my second year of college and there just is not any way I can have a baby right now. A part of me tried to hard to think of ways I could, but my boyfriend of two years reminded me how it’s just not the time. After going home I felt guilty. This little human was apart of me like it or not. Only being 9 weeks old I felt a connection to the baby when I tried so hard not to. I feel so selfish for not giving the life the baby deserves. Everyday this all I think about. I juts want to feel some relief.

  52. Alexandra  June 18, 2020 at 3:03 am Reply

    Hello all wonderful ladies. I had an abortion in March of last year and though it was a logical decision it has, changed me from inside. Like someone has delivered a punch to you, deep inside your solar plexus, but there’s no bruise, so no one can tell. Before the pregnancy I was terrified. My boyfriend of two months had used protection so we couldn’t figure it out. I took myself away for two weeks to make the decision – I hadn’t realised I was pregnant until I was already 5 weeks so I had no time to really think things through. But I quickly realised I wanted the baby. Everything got complicated, my hormones changed, I had no one to talk to, didn’t tell my family. I sent some texts which suggested that, if my boyfriend wasn’t interested then I would raise the child alone. He went to a lawyer which freaked me out. Result – confusion and chaos. I ended up getting an abortion. I regret the decision. I cannot go back. I cry about it still and I am not really happy. I don’t want to see anyone because I don’t want to talk about it – why should I? And the worst thing is constantly hearing other people talk and talk and talk about their kids. The worst thing? I found out the day AFTER that my brother and wife were pregnant – due date? Same week as mine.

    We never know what we might feel. Hormones change everything. I do think that the focus now on rights and entitlements is wrong and I wonder sometimes at the lack of community support for mothers generally – that we cannot manage alone, that we haven’t got the financial resources etc. Isn’t this what a community is for?

    I don’t know. My grief just sits on my heart like a giant stone. I feel responsible, wrong, and a loss so deep that it’s like shutting down part of myself. I don’t think I deserve forgiveness. The only thing I will say if you’re struggling with the decision is to take as much time as you need and if a little voice screams at you not to do it, even if you are sitting in the chair – listen to the voice. We are told again and again to plan, to be goal-setters, to strive, but really what is life without the twists and turns?

  53. Christy  June 16, 2020 at 2:12 am Reply

    I don’t care about anything anymore. I am 21 in my final year of college and I had an abortion 2weeks ago.
    I was six weeks and 5 days pregnant and I had the abortion pill. It was the worst pain I have ever felt in my life. I try to console myself by saying it was the best decision for me because I am just a college girl and my parents are very strict Christians. They weren’t even aware of my decision.
    My boyfriend is ten years older than I am and he was very sweet and supportive during the process but I feel like he can never fully understand how I feel and how it impacted me.
    Honestly guys, I didn’t want to have that baby because having it would have caused a lot of suffering for myself as well as the baby. I want to have kids later in life when I am ready and when I can provide the best life for my kids.
    It hasn’t been easy for me since the abortion. I wish things were different. I feel worthless sometimes, I don’t feel attractive anymore and I have lost my confidence. I am crying as I am writing this and I just wish I never had that experience. I feel numb and when I look in the mirror, I don’t know who I am anymore…
    I haven’t told anyone about this, not even my friends. It’s just me and my boyfriend. I honestly feel like no one will understand me. I feel like they will judge me.

    • Chris Shmuckle  July 25, 2020 at 2:11 am Reply

      Was your boyfriend voicing his opinion on the matter? I am sitting here reading all of these heart wrenching testimonies from mostly younger women such as yourself. And I wish that my arms were big enough so that I can hug everyone of you (the men also)

      I was with a woman that I thought would be my wife one day. Love wasn’t a big enough word for me to describe the feelings I had for her. We were young (I was 20 and she was 19), and as with all couples we had your share of arguments. And at the time we got pregnant our relationship was nearing the two year mark. She called me in work and asked me I could come down to her brother’s house, she said that we have to talk. And then she said, we need to talk. My heart fluttered and my breathing became erratic.

      I thought it was a break up conversation she wanted to have with me. And when I showed up a short while later, she could see that my eyes were glassy, and was about to cry (as a man, I never had a problem with expressing my feelings with her).

      She had talked to me a couple of months previous about maybe we should take a break, and not see each other for a while. And at the time I refused to let her go (lovingly…. I never put my hands on her, and would never) ,I promised her that I would change, become more responsible and I would take our relationship more serious… I pleaded with her like a child. And at this she hugged me and said I’m not going to leave you. Than she said “WHAT’S THE MATTER, why are you shaking?”.
      I never told her the reason why I was shaking. (honestly I didn’t realize I was shaking)… She thought it would be a good idea for us to take a short break, she was looking into college’s and I was a front man for a late 90’s early 2000’s hardcore band, and was about to go back into the studio for 3 months to record our sophomore album.
      Anyway back to meeting her at her brother’s house, she said. I think that I am pregnant. Selfish me was just so happy that we weren’t breaking up, but I quickly realized that this moment had to be scarring her to death. So I asked her what she wants to do, or what does she want me to do. She sent me to CVS to get a home pregnancy test (lol I bought three of them)..
      She was pregnant and I know it was wrong of me, but I got on my knees to ask her to be my wife… although I wasn’t abusive towards her, I could be so selfish at times. Between me just turning 20 myself and my band playing 4 to 5 shows a week all along the east coast of the United States and recording a new album… yeah my head was not always in union with hers

      We left her brother’s house (she had been babysitting her nephew) and headed to her house that she shared with her mother and her boyfriend. I parked the car and proceeded to walk her to the door, she said “are you coming in with me?” Of course I answered, and she hugged me and kissed, and said that she loved me sometime much. And to her surprise I did most of the talking, and within 20 minutes I told her mother that I was in love with her daughter and that it would be my honor to take the job of making her happy and healthy for the rest of her life.

      We all hugged and she asked if I wanted her to go to my mom’s house to give her the news… no I’ll be fine, plus I had rehearsal in another hour…….. than I said the stupidest thing that has ever come out of my mouth. : (


      This statement and the other one that came from my mother.. I told my gf that my mom said that “I shouldn’t be proposing to marry you just because of an unplanned pregnancy, my mother said that it wouldn’t be fair to her (her meaning my girlfriend)

      And these statements directly as far as I know led to her pulling a 180 and opting for an abortion.

      Christy by now you must be saying to yourself .. shut up : )

      The thing is that I took her to the hospital went in with her and waited by myself until the procedure was finished. I held her hand as we walked to the car, driving back to her brother’s house her countence changed as though in her facial expression she had aged 25 years or so.

      I brought her up juice, sweat pants and flowers.

      I layed next to on the bed until she fell asleep… the whole time nothing was said, and she faced the wall, not looking at.

      Two months later, she moved to another state … and told me that she cheated on me the night before with a former bf and I never saw her again.

      As we told our families and friends she miscarried, I was left to deal with the abortion by myself…. people would ask me if she cheated on you all bets are off.. tell people the truth… I said I couldn’t… because I love her.

      I wasn’t good in the bedroom… every time she made a sound of pleasure I would stop and ask was I hurting her….. and constantly saying sorry.
      an what woman wants that : (

      The reason for this and shaking when I thought she was breaking up with me was…. I had been sexually abused by Roman Catholic nuns… I was so embarrassed and never told her..

      So I don’t blame her for not wanting me… But the abortion and cheating drove to places that looking back scared and frightened me to death.

      Christy all this happened some 17 years ago, and I haven’t had another relationship, or relations with a woman in that time

      Not even on tour, I would walk off the stage and hop right onto the bus.. where I self medicated and didn’t care or enjoy playing music.. the only reason I stayed in the group was my love for my bandmates (my brother being the bass player), none of them knew about the abortion or my abuse .

      Christy if your significant other is a sweet man than I pray to the God of Abraham and His Son Jesus Christ that you don’t shut him completely out.
      And PLEASE READ THE KJV BIBLE and let the God of Abraham through His word tell you who He and His Son Jesus Christ are…..

      Christy, I think that my reply was for me. And I don’t need a reply, but you and your boyfriend will be in my prayers along with the others here that have gone through this.

  54. Hannah Bryers  June 15, 2020 at 9:28 pm Reply

    I am 30 and I had an abortion 7 years ago.
    I had been with my now husband for 7 years at the time but honestly it still wasn’t the right time to bring a child into the world.
    I almost knew straight away that it was the ‘right’ decision and I have always been pro-choice.
    I didn’t tell
    Any family because despite my parents being unbelievably supportive, this is too personal and I didn’t want to share it.
    My husband was supportive and didn’t pressure me and I don’t think I gave it a 2nd thought.
    The procedure itself was via tablet and the physical pain was another level, I was unable to leave the house for 3 days.

    I didn’t feel negative emotions for the week after, I think I grieved a little bit then because I struggle to process my emotions, I stopped myself from allowing myself to fully process the emotions.
    It was about a year after that I started having all kinds of emotions, fear, guilt, sadness, anxiety and self-loathing and worry. The worry is that now I am ready and wanting to think about starting a family, I won’t be able to as a form of karma perhaps? I think this is because I hold so much guilt that I subconsciously feel that despite this being the correct decision I should be punished for my choice.
    I write this now as I sit in bed at 2:30am unable to sleep because I am playing over the whole experience in vivid detail, like it was yesterday in my head.

    I want to let the emotion out and cry but I can’t and I feel so many emotions it’s hard to even start to process them.

    I still think it was the best decision for my mental health at the time but I do think there needs to be more education and post support to manage the sheer volume of unexpected emotions.

  55. Anonymous  June 12, 2020 at 6:12 pm Reply

    I still haven’t gone through with the decision to get an abortion. I’m 6 weeks and 24 years old with the most loving and supportive boyfriend. (He’s 23). I’ve always dreamed of being a mom and know how much I would love this little baby. I have an appointment Monday for the abortion and I’ve been non stop crying because I’m so terrified of regretting this decision. I don’t know who to talk to or who to turn to because I don’t feel like my boyfriend or best friends can really understand what I’m feeling. I’m in no way financially stable to even support my self, I still have a year left to finish school. My boyfriend is just now getting on his 2 feet and barely financially stable as well. We’ve only been together for a couple months but I know we both want to spend the rest of our lives together and have kids one day together. I’m scared one day, I won’t be able to get pregnant again. All I’ve ever wanted was to be a mom. I feel like I’m going against every nature of my body right now making this decision. I’m scared I’m really scared. My spiritual and religious beliefs are also conflicting with this decision. I’m trying to find some sort of peace in knowing I’m making the right decision but can’t help feel like I will forever think about this little baby and the life we would have together. I never wanted to be in this position. I don’t know how to find peace with this. Any sort of advice would be appreciated 🙁 I’m so glad I found this page

    • Anonymous  August 14, 2020 at 6:37 pm Reply

      Hey there,
      I was in your position 19 years ago and went ahead and had an abortion because I was young, scared and panicking . At the time I thought it was the right decision but I have been living with so much regret, sadness and pain because I m 40 now and still childless but not by choice.Who knows…..that was probably the only child I was probably ever going to have and I blame myself everyday for giving in to the pressure.I feel as though I am being punished for that one abortion and feel so empty inside…. I know my reply is probably a couple of months late, however I hope you made the best decision for yourself

    • Sejal  December 19, 2020 at 7:06 am Reply

      Hey . I missed my period for about an week and did pregnancy test which turned out positive . Me and my boyfriend rushed to the clinic and found out I was 6 weeks and 2 days pregnant . I didnt know what to feel. I am 23 and I am an student . Also my boyfriend and I have religious barrier so I was so afraid about all this to come out.
      But I was certain I wanted abortion so we went to the clinic again the next day and they advices abortion pill. It was yesterday and I am on the first pill now
      I have not stopped crying since yesterday. I just wanted someone to tell me its okay , that I need to be strong and have the baby . And I feel like I have committed a sin. And i will not be able to forgive myself .

      • IsabelleS  December 21, 2020 at 11:31 am

        Sejal, I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through this. I’m here to tell you that it’s okay… What you’re experiencing–the sadness, the guilt, the regret–is normal and valid. I forgive you and I hope that one day you will be able to forgive yourself.

      • Debby  August 29, 2022 at 6:47 am

        Hi Everyone,I don’t know if I really want to post this but I had an abortion more than a year ago to my ex boyfriend. He was 8years older than I am and I was just 19.
        I am a student then and currently still a student…When I was pregnant with his child,I told him what I’m i going to do because my parents are strict and will stop my schooling… The best option for me then was to have an abortion.

        My ex boyfriend left me all alone without texting,calling or even checking up on me through all I went through… Now it’s a year and 9months, he came back texting me you know he didn’t apologize well just a silly kind of apologies and told me he wants a deep relationship with me that he wants to see me.

        The pain of what he made me go through then still hurt my emotions till today without him been there with me and for… Now more than a year, he’s coming back telling me we need to see and he wants a deep relationship with me…

        What do you think guys?

  56. Rach  June 11, 2020 at 5:51 pm Reply

    I’m 26 and I had an abortion over a year ago but there isn’t a day that goes by that don’t think about it. When I found out I was pregnant I was nervous but excited at the thought, but I told my boyfriend and he was not excited. Even though he said he would support me no matter what I did he didn’t want it and after talking about it we came to the decision to have an abortion. It was the hardest decision I’ve ever made and I feel like no one knows the pain I have in my heart thinking I could of had someone else else in my life. Part of me thinks it was the right decision as me and my boyfriend at the time are no longer together but I can’t help but imagine how my life would be with a baby in it. I just don’t know if I’ll ever stop regretting my choices and stop being upset about it. Reading other people’s comments has made me realise I’m not the only one going through this I just hope things get better for me and for all of you.

  57. Renee  June 5, 2020 at 10:48 pm Reply

    I came across this article and read through so many of these comments in pain. I’m 22 and I just had an abortion 2 days ago. I was 6 weeks and 6 days. It was still early on, I felt very relieved afterwards but cried throughout my entire visit and I am still crying now. This was my choice, and my bf was very supportive of me and whatever decision I made. He is the most loving person I’ve ever met, and I have considered spending the rest of my life with him. I’m in my last year of undergrad, working full time but I have a job that pays very well, and I feel like I just killed my child out of slight inconvenience. I felt like I couldn’t be a good mom because of everything everyone else has ever told me about people who have unplanned kids at my age. And while it was my decision at the end of the day, I feel like it also wasn’t. I was so caught up in fear of the things ppl say about young moms, the fear of messing up, the fear of possibly regretting my child that I couldn’t keep my pregnancy. I’m devastated. And while I’m relieved I have time to really prepare myself for a better future for kids I may have later on, I will carry this grief for the rest of my life. I appreciate abortion services because they allow women choice over their life, and allow them to have agency over their own bodies. I just don’t think I was prepared for these feelings because no one talks about it. A lot of sources say that relief (like I felt) was most common and regret/guilt (which I also felt) was not. But I don’t think that is true. I wish I knew what this would feel like. I feel everything at once and I wish I could make it stop.

  58. J  June 5, 2020 at 1:14 am Reply

    I’m coming up on a year this month, finding out I was pregnant. I remember the exact moment like it was yesterday.. my heart was beating so fast, the feeling of anxiety, almost hyperventilating and telling the dad about it and him comforting me, letting me cry vs. rushing me into a solution. We both were in agreement that choosing to have an abortion is not the right thing to do but had to be done. I got checked out and was told to come back first week of July for the procedure. All of June.. my body was already changing, I drank and smoked thinking ‘well it’ll be gone anyway’ paying no mind to it. In some pictures, I had somewhat of a glow that I look back on randomly sometimes. I texted the dad the night before feeling so lost and nervous. He tells me he supports me no matter what I do. I didn’t know what I was doing. I go to the appointment, dr tells me I’m at 6 weeks and did the vacuum / surgical procedure. I was nervous beforehand, tried to keep myself calm in the waiting area. I was awake the whole time, it didn’t hurt as much as I thought it would and afterwards I didn’t feel blue like I thought I would. I think I was avoiding how I was really feeling & finally broke down to the dad a few short weeks later. Telling him how I regret it and I think about the what ifs. What it would look like, that we both wanted a boy, what he’d be like, who he’d turn out to be. I think about how I would’ve had it in April of this year, the same month as the dad’s birthday. I find myself still counting months and lay awake sometimes imaging how the dad would be with our baby and how different my life would be. Lately, all I think about is this. Guess it’s timing but also that it will always be there present in my head as it was the biggest decision of my life. It comes and goes in waves and when it does I’m in a pit thinking of all these things and pull myself out. I want to talk to the dad more about it when I feel some ways but I can never bring myself to. I’ve always coped with things on my own. But I know I didn’t do this alone, he was with me every step and still in my life. I will try to work on talking to him about it when I should vs falling into sadness here and there like I am alone, and remembering that I can share my emotions with someone. Thank you for this page, for me to share and if you’re reading this. I can’t share this with anyone but him and it’s comforting to know that whoever is reading this can relate.

  59. Amber dawn  June 1, 2020 at 11:08 pm Reply

    I just had an abortion yesterday by medicine at 9 weeks an 5 days. I was with my bf for 7 months before getting pregnant and we had a pretty toxic relationship. I do have 2 children from 2 other men and my children are not in my custody. I am a broken woman who has been through mostly bad relationships and feel as if I can not except love. My bf wanted a baby with me and I thought I did with him but we just fought so much and I feared bringing another child into this world without both parents to raise them again. He is sad that I got the abortion and I am so sorry. I did break up with him because I could not except his love, I have trust issues and I put a lot on him due to my past. I know he’s not perfect but he loved me and would have loved our baby, I’m so sad that I had an abortion. I made the decision so quickly after a fight we had because I didn’t want to wait until I was too far along an get the surgical abortion. I do regret it and wish that I worked it out with him and had our baby. He is very upset an tells me that I killed our baby. It hurts! I’d never do this again and strongly encourage anyone thinking about it to really think about it hard an not to make the decision based off a temporary emotion. P.s. the fighting we had was mostly my fault because of my past, I accused him of things an it just wasn’t true. I know it’s my fault an I made a bad choice that I can not take back.

  60. Crys  May 28, 2020 at 10:42 pm Reply

    I am 28 years old and had an abortion December of last year. It was the most confusing time of my life and I made a decision I never thought I would have to make. The person I was seeing for 7 months abandoned me a few days after and hasn’t spoken to me since. I began therapy, counseling and eventually began medication dealing with the abandonment and grief. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think of her or regret what I did. I thought it was the right decision at the time, because I was pressured into believing it was so. But I knew it would hurt me forever. It’s been 5 months and I continuously ask god for the strength to forgive myself and the father but its so hard when he isn’t even there to at least talk about it. Though, by now I am over expecting anything. I was suicidal in December and January, and recently I’ve fallen into a deeper depression and have gotten suicidal again. It really just doesn’t seem like there is a way out from the grief and anguish and torment that I feel everyday except to go to her and hold her in my arms. Life just doesn’t seem worth living anymore. I actually found this article shortly after it happened and was unable to read the comments of others stories. For woman who do experience grief; a great sense of loss, I feel like this article is relatable. At times, it seems I am not allowed to mourn because it was my decision. It’s difficult to tell people who are close to you because you feel like no one can truly understand unless they have been there themselves. It’s gotten easier to be able to hear or read other woman’s stories. I am still hoping to find a support group in my area.

  61. Freyja  May 25, 2020 at 9:53 am Reply

    I had an abortion in November 2019 and it has hurt me everyday since. I can’t be happy any more as I feel I don’t deserve to be after what I’ve done. I got pregnant when I was on holiday in another country. I was alone and was scared and didn’t know what choice to make. My mum didn’t support me having the baby so I had the abortion. I wish my baby was here now as I feel it was a gift send from God that I can’t get back ?

  62. ZANELE MAHLANGU  May 25, 2020 at 6:31 am Reply

    I am 29years and I have a 7yrs old daughter. I had abortion on the 16April ohh God I don’t even know where to begin but the pain of having the abortion doesn’t go away it hurt day in and day out. I didn’t tell my boyfriend about the baby. He doesn’t know anything and I feel like I will lose him when I tell him and it will break his heart. I love him so much and I made this decision for both of us coz we both not financial stable that we can have a child. He has 2daughters 12yr and 9yr old.
    I pray everytime for forgiveness to God and my child I even named my child “my Angel child ” may his/her little soul find peace and may he/she know that mommy loves him/her so so much and may he/she forgives mommy.

  63. Tricia  May 21, 2020 at 1:04 pm Reply

    ANNAMAY 15, 2020 AT 3:05 PMREPLY

    Hi Anna, I completely understand. It’s decision no one should ever have to face. In this messed up world I too had to make this decision and I felt as though Indid it for my mother and my boyfriends family to not be pregnant out of wedlock. I wanted nothing more than to keep it and though it was unexpected I feel I can handle anything god throws to me. But the pressure from my boyfriend and the things my mother ya said to me my whole life I went through with it. I cry everyday. I beg for forgiveness and am trying to find peace. But I cannot. I too have so many friends having children. And I’m so depressed. I felt so blessed to conceive unexpectedly. Now I fear god will never ever revive me the opportunity to have children. I pray all day for another change to be a mother. I’ll pray for you too. Much love and peace.


  64. Victoria  May 21, 2020 at 3:11 am Reply

    It’s been almost two years. June would have been the 2nd birthday I miss my baby so much. I can’t help but want to cry still. That memory at the clinic lives in my mind everyday. I know my partner loves me and I love him, I did this for him & sadly this is why he loves me.

  65. Michelle McCauley  May 20, 2020 at 1:02 pm Reply

    I wanted to reach out to say that I too experienced abortion. It affected me in many areas of my life. I reached out when my life became unmanageable. Thirty years later i am a grief and loss coach, and have been working with post abortive men and women for over 20 years. There is hope after abortion and there are many formal healing programs. The Haven is one of the www, there is another organization that will set you up wherever you live. suuportafterabortion,com If you need to talk feel free to reach out

  66. Char66  May 18, 2020 at 9:10 am Reply


    I had an abortion in December 2019 and I am still struggling. I took abortion pills and the pain was excruciating and still makes me feel sick thinking of it. I have said it’s the pain I deserved for my decision. Some days I am okay but I think that’s me pretending to be fine. I’m a strong person and I feel embarrassed saying that I’m not ok. I think I pushed everything so far down so I could fool myself into thinking I’m ok but I’m not. On the days when it’s the hardest I hate myself for the decision I made. At the time it was the beat decision for me. I wasn’t ready to be a mum and I felt relief when I had made my decision but then I had to do an ultrasound and I seen the tiniest little speck and it made it more real and it made me feel cruel and post abortion all I do is think of that. I feel cruel for what I did even though some days I know it’s what was best for me and my partner. But then I’ll see a baby or someone will speak about it or ask me when I’m having kids and the pain and regret and hurt of that decision comes flooding back at me and I feel so sad and lonely even though I have so many people around me. I feel as though I will never get over this.

  67. Anna  May 15, 2020 at 3:05 pm Reply

    I had an abortion in November 2019 and had a really hard time coming to terms with it. I feel like I was born to be a mum but the timing just wasn’t right and I couldn’t support a child at the time. It devastated me to get rid of it but it’s something I felt I had no choice but to do. I managed to accept my decision and come to terms with it, however my best friend has recently just told me she’s pregnant and I’ve felt all my emotions of grief and regret coming back to me and longing for the child I never got to have. My baby would be due next month and it sounds selfish but I find it hard to listen to all the baby talk from my friend as it just makes me think about the mother I could be and the baby I could of had. Has anyone else been through a similar thing?

  68. Jo  May 11, 2020 at 10:14 pm Reply

    I got pregnant from a one night stand. I was so sad because he stopped talking to me after we hooked up, and couldn’t help but think what I did wrong because we had a really good time together. Then towards the end of the month my period never came so I decide to take a test. It was positive. I was so happy to be pregnant and I felt like the baby was sent just for me. But when I told the dad that was the biggest mistake I could have made. I made the decision to get the abortion because of him. He told me he didn’t want me to have the baby. And that he didn’t want to tell his mother he got a one night stand pregnant and that he wouldn’t want to explain that to anyone either. I thought I was making the right decision but it is eating me up inside. I can’t believe I went through with it. He didn’t even come to the appointment. He hasn’t even checked on me to make sure I’m ok. Now I’m stuck feeling empty. I don’t even feel right. This is honestly so hard to deal with. If I would have kept my baby I wouldn’t be feeling so alone.

  69. charlotte  May 10, 2020 at 12:27 pm Reply

    hey so i had a medical abortion – taking the pills, in my house back in february. the physical pain that i was in was my overwhelming. the forced contractions hurt so bad and i was sitting over the toilet , gushing blood and crying for hours. i am 19, and was 6 weeks along at the time of my abortion. i was very much influenced by my parents who told me that there was no way i could support a baby. i was supposed to start university the following december. although i knew that they were right and i knew i overall made the right choice, i couldn’t help but feel so heavy hearted and guilty. i know that i would have loved that little baby so much. i would have found a way to make it work. i miss my baby, even though it was only the size of a pea when i decided to go through with the abortion. it’s complicated because looking back i really wish i had more time to decide for myself what i really wanted instead of just pleasing my family due to what they wanted. i regret it so much. i know this is all a process and that what i’m feeling is valid but i’m just hurting. i would have been halfway through my second trimester by now. i know that i will have a good life and have my baby when i’m financially stable and emotionally ready, but the pain, the shame and the grief is still there and i’m sure it always will be. i will always love my tiny little baby. forever

  70. Tina  May 8, 2020 at 3:26 am Reply

    I’m 22 in my last year of college and I had my abortion at 10 weeks two days ago and I haven’t stopped crying since then. I feel horrible. I had the produce and was awake the whole time it was very painful, I could feel everything and I cried the whole time. I cried as I waited to leave and cried as I walked out of the clinic. I regretted it before I had even went through with my decision. My bf was very supportive but I could tell that a part of him wanted to keep our baby and so did I. I feel like he hates me even though he tells me that he loves me everyday since it happened. I feel extremely guilty and sad so much so that I can’t get excited for my graduation this weekend. When I came home after the abortion I broke down and cried in my sisters arms. I miss my baby SO much. My bf said from the beginning that we can try again when we’re ready but I don’t want to have any kids ever at this point because I can’t have my baby back. I can’t even look at babies without crying and every night I stay up for hours looking at the ultrasound picture and cry until I fall asleep. I don’t think that I will forgive myself. No one knows how I really feel not even my bf. I just want my baby back but it’s too late.

  71. Alice  May 2, 2020 at 4:32 pm Reply

    I myself have commented on this blog searching for help, but if anyone wants to speak to anyone about their experience my email is It breaks my heart knowing people haven’t had responses and I want you to know that people care and will listen. Sending you all love

  72. Alice  May 2, 2020 at 4:29 pm Reply

    Well done for posting your story- you are incredibly brave. I am someone who is in the same situation- I had a termination and bitterly regretted it afterwards. But this doesn’t mean you will be defined by this. It’s taken me months but I am attempting to come to peace with my decision and whilst it is something yes that I will always regret and think about, it doesn’t mean that it defines the rest of your life. It becomes one of those things that solidifies your strength and bravery- not your weakness and self-hatred. You are completely valid in how you feel and it is important. I completely agree with you- most of the information/speaking out about this difficult topic is political or religious propaganda and this just makes the process even harder for women. It is a difficult road ahead for all of us, myself included, but I sincerely believe that peace is at the end of it all, and yes it will be something that we all remember and think of often, but it doesn’t need to spread into self-hatred forever. (I’m trying to say this to myself as much as I am to you because this is something I struggle with to). But it will all get better. You are amazing. Sending strength and peace- Alice

  73. Alice Nelson  April 30, 2020 at 10:18 pm Reply

    I had an abortion in October and I am still not over it. I am so grateful to find this page because I’ve found it very difficult to find support for women who regret what they decided. I am only 20 and still at university, wasn’t with the father but we are still very close and I felt like I didn’t have any other choice even though I knew throughout the process that I didn’t want to go through with it. I feel like I did it to please everyone else. It was like it wasn’t my choice but everyone else’s- I didn’t feel at the time that I could say how I felt because of the constant shame and judgement. How stupid I am to have valued THAT over something utterly priceless. The father couldn’t feel more different. He was very supportive and cares a lot about me but he couldn’t wait for the process to be over whereas I didn’t want it to end- this all made it so much harder to be honest about how I felt. It’s my due date currently which just tears me apart and no-one understands how I feel. I kept a picture of my baby’s scan and I feel like I have to use it as a reminder because nobody cares anymore. I know this will remain the biggest regret of my life and I knew from the second that the procedure was finished that I wanted to turn back time but I can’t. And I have to live with it forever which I’m finding it very hard to do without talking to people who understand. I feel completely empty and ashamed of myself- I have a lot of self-hatred due to my decision. I will always love my baby and never forget it

  74. Jessica  April 30, 2020 at 11:38 am Reply

    I had an abortion about 18 mo ago and I’m still struggling. I have so much I feel guilty about. I have a wonderful husband who always supports me and tries his best to make me feel better. We have been together 12 years and got pregnant about 6mo before our wedding. I was so panicked when I found out. Between the wedding, we live far from family, we lived in a 500sq ft apt at the time and didnt have much money to spare. Not to mention day care averages around $2200/mo in Boston. At the time I felt relief, everything was back on track. But now, I can’t even log onto Facebook without sobbing. I feel like I failed my first child. I feel like had I’d known that by the time the baby shouldve arrived, we wouldve been in a much better financial situation, and have bought a home – i dont know if I would’ve gone thorough with it. I know no one can see the future, but I cant help but feel like I made a mistake. My husband is willing to try again for a baby whenever i want, he has said so multiple times – even driven me to the doctor to have the Nexplanon removed but I just cant do it yet. What makes a different pregnancy more worthy of coming into this world than my previous? What have I done to deserve a child after rejecting one? Im just so lost and confused and hurt and i just dont want to feel this sadness anymore. i want to be a mom so bad, I think about it daily. I think about ripping the Nexplanon out of my arm. I think about making an OBGYN appt to have it removed in the middle of a PANDEMIC – but i dont want to resent a baby knowing i gave them the chance to live and not their sibling. Please help. Anyone. Please help.

  75. Baby  April 30, 2020 at 9:20 am Reply

    All my life I ve alway wanted a mixed race female child..later mum said she wished she had a male child to satisfy her I took in and am pregnant anger now is the child is not a mixed race female child as I ve always wanted and again the child’s father is a broke as who has nothing to offer I wished I took in for a rich man or that am having a female child instead of a male child..I thought I could take care of this child alone but I found out it nt easy to take care of a child and again it’s a male child wished it’s a female regrets…(the child is a boy they dnt help out in the family only females do,and that the father is nt rich to take care of us..and am goin to take care of him all alone )

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  77. Sweet T  April 1, 2020 at 11:02 pm Reply

    I am honestly not even sure how to type this message right now. I haven’t really spoken to many people about this. After weeks of staying quiet and only a couple friends who knew, having the medical abortion process in my room alone, I finally told family members about it. But i haven’t actually sat down and talked about how I feel about it. Telling someone about it happening to you and telling someone about how you are feeling emotionally, physically and psychologically are two different things. I feel like I don’t have a right to be upset or as depressed as I am because I made the decision to terminate. I was 5 weeks. I was not able to see what the baby looked like at all, it was probably the size of a pea, I still loved knowing it was in there. Sometimes I would cry thinking about terminating, but I would touch my stomach and feel better knowing I was not fully alone. He or she was in there with me and understood, thats at least what I told myself. I know I could not keep it. I was at probably the worst timing in my life to get pregnant. Graduating my second college diploma, preparing to move out for the first time, working crazy hours to save money to move, I can barely manage my own money (I spend it all on food )..etc.
    But I think about what he/she would look like, how I would love to meet that little kid, hold that child and care for him/her, how right now I would be around 3 months and he/she would be growing their little finger nails right now wondering what their mom and dad look like. When I had my abortion I felt myself feeling small. I felt myself drifting from my responsibilities bit by bit, until I was missing days on days of school because I simply did not want to get out of bed. Missing work days, calling in sick, making up dumb excuses like “slipping on ice” because I wanted to lay face down in my bed more than I cared about making money and moving on with my life. I found myself ruining all those things that were helping me succeed in society. I was doing this up until coronavirus started. When coronavirus started I was able to use that excuse and stay home, until it became a real thing, then everyone was staying in. My school placement got shut down and I didn’t have to go in at all anymore. Placement got suspended for the rest of the semester. The worst part about that-is that I got what I wanted this whole time, to be alone, to be able to be in bed all day. It’s a depressed person’s dream. I am on my last semester I am graduating in June. Now all my work is online (THANK GOD) and since quarantine was suggested I have been sleeping all day, barely going outside, face-timing people and barely eating properly. The only thing I do is my online homework and go to my job (that isn’t cancelled) every weekend (two 12 hour shifts on weekends).

    • Anon  April 14, 2020 at 7:54 pm Reply

      It’s bittersweet reading everybody’s experiences. It’s disheartening to know the struggles everyone has gone through but at the same time I feel abit better knowing I’m not the only one.

      I had an abortion last May. And I have regretted it ever since. I had a vacuum procedure as I was 3 months. I had a scan earlier on and saw my little baby. It sounds and seems silly calling it ‘my little baby’ but it helps me. The nurse asked me if I wanted to keep the image and I did. I went back weeks later and got a termination. I was awake throughout the whole thing and felt the physical pain of the entire termination and it has, to this day, been one of the hardest things I’ve ever gone through.
      I was 24 at the time, with my bf but where I’m from, my culture and religion, I couldn’t keep it so my family don’t know about it.
      After it happened, I went home and acted like nothing happened. But it bothers me everyday.
      I went through the process alone and to this day, I’m still grieving. And I believe I always will. I don’t want to forget what I did because I loved the baby. It was mine and when I found out I was happy but so upset knowing what the outcome would be. I blame myself for getting into that situation.
      The baby would be 4/5 months old now. I had a dream it was a girl and I was so happy, the dream felt so real. I’m the dream she was glowing and I woke up in tears because she was not with me but happy because it felt like I met her.
      I’m very close to my baby niece so I believe I would have loved and cared for my own so much. I talk to my partner about how guilty and hurt I feel, but there’s only so much you can say without feeling annoyed knowing they didn’t go through it. I feel anger towards him sometimes because he has no clue how I feel. He tells me to live in the ‘present’ moment but the way one feels and thinks isn’t a choice. Especially when it runs so deep. But the more aware I am of my own thoughts and feelings, the more easier it gets.
      I still hold a lot of shame for what I did. But I know to keep looking forward. I know I will never forget what happened, nor do I want to because I feel like if I forget, then my baby is forgotten about and not mattered. But I know my baby is in heaven and I love her/him very much.

      Hope everyone finds some kind of peace in their life journey. Hugs & love to everyone.

  78. Anon17  March 27, 2020 at 5:15 am Reply

    I need help. I am going through what many of these posts discuss.. in fact it’s really hard to scroll through and see things about feeling the same amount of regret and loss and self-hatred years later. I cannot possibly imagine going on in life if I’m going to have these feelings everyday for years to come. My abortion was a week ago and I have never felt so depressed and sorrowful and hopeless, at times like like isn’t even worth living anymore. I became pregnant by a man who has a girlfriend and 100% didn’t want me to have a baby, and I really thought I was making the right choice because my life isn’t conducive to raising a child right now. But I’m 29 and feel like that was my only chance and I never realized how much I actually do want children and I would have sacrificed a lot to raise a child because I’m not even ambitious in my career nor do I have any idea what the hell I want to do with my life anyways. I thought some of these posts might offer a message of hope but actually it’s the opposite, making me think the rest of my life will be defined by this terrible sadness and loss. I don’t know where to turn and I’m also afraid of all the click bait hidden agenda pro life spaces on the internet when you try to research mental health consequences of abortion. I can’t believe I made this decision and it feels like it all happened so fast and I don’t know what to do from here and if I can take moving on in life at all.

    • paige  November 18, 2020 at 11:05 am Reply

      hi, im in the exact situation as you, my appt is saturday. and i dont want to go through with it. have you been feeling better?

  79. Anonymous  March 19, 2020 at 11:23 am Reply

    I am a professional who can support myself with or without the help of anyone, if I chose to. My boyfriend and I have been in this wonderful relationship for many years. He earns more than what he needs.

    I learned that I am pregnant after a week of feeling all the symptoms. I took the test alone. I felt confused, lost, angry. I knew that I wasn’t prepared for this. I can support my child but emotionally and psychologically, I am not yet ready to become a mother. I am set to take a national exam this year and I’ve been studying for it because it’s always been my dream to pass the same. My family has been expecting a lot from me. All the pressure makes it a lot worst.

    I bursted in tears when I finally told my boyfriend that I am pregnant. He got depressed when I told him of my decision not to keep it. And because he knew that it would affect my ambitions in life, he chose me over the baby. I felt so selfish.

    After the abortion, I was in a tremendous sorrow. I felt like I didn’t deserve to feel it because I chose it. No reason is enough to justify what has been done. It’s been two weeks after. I know that I can never move on but I know I can move forward. But it gets better everyday. I just wish that all women in the world have their choices unlike in the country where I live. But I still hope that in a platform like this, we can curve the norms.

    Hugs to everyone.

  80. nic  March 19, 2020 at 2:11 am Reply

    I had an abortion 4 years ago in February. I wish I found this article when it happened… I felt so many emotions, and still do sometimes. Even though it still hurts like it did the day it happened, I try to remind myself that it was the best decision I could have made, not for myself but for my baby… sometimes it eases the pain of what could have been.

    My ex cared more about himself, alcohol & weed. Somehow we lasted 3.5 years, he often (without instigation) liked to remind me that I couldn’t even utter the word, how it was “for the best”, that we would never have lasted & he would have returned to his home country if I kept the baby. It made grieving almost impossible cause the wound always felt fresh.

    When we ended things last year, I broke down… 3.5 years of grief hit like a ton of bricks. I remember sobbing harder that night then the day it happened. Some days, I wish I could talk about it openly… Not so much about the actions that lead up to the moment – but the loss. I envy the women who can talk about their miscarriage with confidence and strength.

    I never knew the gender, but I would have vivid, life-like dreams that it was a girl… I always thought about giving “her” a name, but was reluctant… it took me up until last year to finally do so, which in a way has helped me with the grieving process.

  81. Nikki  March 9, 2020 at 7:38 am Reply

    Thankyou for this post … I’m 45 in a month and had an abortion 9 months ago … my due date was today.
    I feel emotional today , guilty and sad even thpugh i know this was the right decision i’m wondering what they would of looked like if she was a little girl ( i have two grown up son’s) what type of relationship would we of had….. I know my decision was the right one for myself and the grown up children i already have .
    I don’t feel guilt but i do at times feel sad that , that part of my life couldn’t happen at this stage of my life .
    Thankyou again for this post it reminds us to process our feelings we need this to beable to move on and i truly believe time heals <3

  82. Michelle Griswold  February 27, 2020 at 11:30 pm Reply

    It has been a1 week and one day since I had my medicated abortion. I have been with my BF for almost 8 years. We each have a child from previous relationships and have raised our children together.
    Our kids are now 13 and 14.
    Here I found myself pregnant at 37. I have wanted a child with my partner for years but he has been resistant siting that we could barely afford our kids. Also we both wanted to be responsible by only having one child each for the planet. We had 1 boy and 1 girl.
    By now at 37 I had come to accept that I wasn’t having more kids. I was ok with that, I was just 5 years from being done with raising kids…
    I found out I was pregnant a few weeks ago when I traveled across the country for my Grandmothers Memorial service. I Was nauseas for almost 2 weeks straight. It was so hard to go to work or do anything around the house also being fatigued.
    I had wanted to keep it at first then I doubted myself and felt I was too old. Also we had trying to save to buy a house. How would I afford to take time off work to have a baby and still pay all the credit Card debt I have aquired.?!
    I had teenagers and I would almost be 50 by the time this child would be 10. We would be old parents …
    In the end I aborted my little fetus at 7 weeks and 6 days… I just had my follow up appt to confirm I was not pregnant any more. …when I got home tonight it hit me hard.. sadness, regret, guilt.. what’s ifs… what if I wasn’t so old. If only we weren’t so poor….I had really wanted another baby….but can’t afford it….if it had happened 3 or 5 years ago.. I might have kept it…
    I’m really sad I let go of my last chance of having a baby. I’m hoping this pain will let up and I will feel happy again some day. I feel my heart broken and feel disconnected from people and life,, kinda numb feeling. I hope telling my story be healing and maybe help others too.

    • Tia Cort  March 6, 2020 at 5:22 pm Reply

      I’m 17 and I had a medical abortion 3 days ago I took the pregnancy test in the college toilets with my bestfriend. I was 8 weeks along and although everyone says it’s early stages, I got so attached to my little baby especially after seeing it’s small head, tiny arms, legs and eyes on the ultrasound screen, I instantly feel in love with it. I began to show and my body was changing so quickly I loved pregnancy and I found myself rubbing my belly often without realising. I never told my parents and made all appointments on my own. I never wanted to terminate it but I’m so young and I’m in my last year of college I’m not financially stable to give it the best life I could. After taking the pills at the clinic I regretted my decision. I began to bleed so heavily and I was labouring my dead baby. I was in so much pain physically and emotionally, I still cry every day. I wish I kept it and I miss having it with me especially now that my belly’s gone down I miss my bump. My boyfriend (the father) has been amazing throughout the whole process never made any decisions for me and came to all appointments, blood tests, everything. He’s been so supportive and still is doing everything he can to keep me happy. I know things will get better for me but I will never forget my tiny baby and will never forget the ultrasound images, will love it forever x

  83. psych  February 27, 2020 at 4:55 am Reply

    I was 6 weeks when mine was terminated. Only me and the would have been father know. I definitely felt relieved after it, because having a baby right now would make everything else in my life harder. I don’t regret it. I thought I would, but instead I just wish I was in a position to keep it. I’m too young and can barely support myself. I’m really glad I did it, but sometimes I’ll see a baby or one of my friends pregnant and I get triggered. I’ve never dealt with the after thought emotions or afford a therapist. I’ll never forget it, but I surprisingly feel strong for doing it on my own and with no help.

  84. Jess  February 3, 2020 at 10:51 pm Reply

    I really wish I found this website before I got the abortion ?? I regret it so much, I wish I can go back? I don’t think I can ever get over this pain.

    • Sash  February 12, 2020 at 7:09 am Reply

      Hi Jess
      I have a similar terminated at 11 weeks on 8th Feb 2020, I wish I could go back to that day and change my decision. I have been crying almost every day since then, I already have 2kids- 4yr old and 17thmonth old boys.
      This pregnancy came in as a surprise and ever since I got to know I was determined to terminate it but I never realized what I was doing to that little soul.
      My husband asked me to change my decision several times but I am already having so much work with 2kids that it seems I have no life of my own.
      I am 41 and just the thought of having a small 10yr old kid when I will be 50 made me took this drastic step.
      I just don’t know how will I ever forgive myself for this.

      • KJ  March 16, 2021 at 7:15 am

        Hi. Just wondering how you are feeling now? I’m in a similar position with two kids already and 1 week post abortion. Does it get better? The guilt I’m feeling is extreme!

  85. Ana  January 27, 2020 at 4:52 pm Reply

    Anyone in the Chicago area care to connect? I am having a difficult time finding a support group. I am 41 years old and was pregnant for the first time before deciding to have my abortion at 10 weeks. It’s only been a few days and I am devastated. I was really hoping to read more positive comments on here from those who moved on or found hope, but I am feeling disheartened that this sadness will last forever. My situation was regrettable because I am clearly mature enough at 41 and also have a decent job. The father did not want the child, but was happy to adapt if I decided to keep it. My family also thought I should terminate and I let their influence and the child’s father influence me to discontinue with it. Somehow I didn’t feel strong enough on my own to keep the baby, but now I don’t know where to turn to. Life feels enormously empty and all I want is to go back to that day where I walked into the clinic so I can stop myself and walk out, just like I did the first time. I have cried so many tears I am exhausted. When I am not crying I can cope, despite the sadness, but when the tears come I feel under water with grief. If someone has a positive story to share that would be nice. I would love to hear about someone who has been where I am and got through it and found light again. Also, if anyone know s where i can find a support group that would be helpful, really having a hard time. Thank you

    • S  January 28, 2020 at 2:31 am Reply

      I completely understand you. I just had an abortion at 17 weeks and I’m so fucken broken. I too got pregnant by someone that wasn’t my husband. At first I knew instantly I didn’t want the baby but due to the fact that I was in grad school I kept thinking omg I can’t take the pill and experience that pain during school days. As time went on I fell in love with my baby. I told the baby daddy, and he simply acted like I was a hoe and that he didn’t believe it was his baby. My husband and I got a dna test to see if it was his baby but it wasn’t. At 11 weeks I fell more in love. Knowing I had to move out and with nowhere to live, I fell into so much depression. At 16 weeks I decided to stop feeling happy over a pregnancy I knew I was alone in. However, the whole process was the day I was 17 weeks. Although I’m not as depress as I used to be this pain of what if is horrible. I loved my baby so much, and I do like the baby daddy despite everything, but I never once felt his support. I wish he would of been supporting. So many things happen so quick although I was far along I didn’t have the time to process everything. I wish I can go back and stop myself from even going in the clinic. It’s hard, I pray god heals me. The baby daddy not once cared I didn’t keep the baby. My husband was with me everyday although I can’t seem to love him right now I hope we move forward. But right now it doesn’t feel like we will. I crave so much comfort and closure from the baby daddy. Is it because he was father of my baby?
      I also feel like I could of done this alone, I’m mad at myself for choosing my marriage over my baby. I loved my baby more than my own life and somehow I shut all those fillings and got through the abortion. My grief and loss didn’t come till three days later. It’s been two weeks and I’m sad, at times I feel like it was the right thing since his dad was toxic and with a daughter of his own. But then I tell myself “so what, you were raised by a single mom and you killed your baby” I feel horrible. If I can take it back I would in a heartbeat.

      Don’t feel bad because I too have experienced something similar. I send you a big hug

      • Anonymous  February 10, 2020 at 10:24 am

        Thanks for sharing. I completely relate as you can see my story below. I hope you’re doing better, it is not easy.

  86. Holly  January 25, 2020 at 2:27 pm Reply

    Reading your stories makes me feel less alone. I was 7 weeks and was having issues in my relationship. I had just started training for a hands on job in which it would be difficult to continue the pregnancy although they were very supportive. I would now be almost 10 weeks and I feel as though this is my biggest mistake. My partner has left me and all in all I have my dream job but have never felt so miserable. I hope one day to be a mother however I know that this experience will stay with me for the rest of my life. Not all women feel this way. We deserve the right to choose. But I just wish I had given it more time and thought.

  87. anonymous  January 23, 2020 at 11:14 am Reply

    I had my abortion 2 weeks ago and I was 8 weeks along. My story is a little different, I’m married and the baby’s father is not my husband (he’s also married). I know what happened shouldn’t have happened and honestly I don’t even know how I let myself get wrapped up in this situation. This was my first pregnancy and even though if I went through with the pregnancy there would have been a lot of chaos in my life, I would have had my baby and not experienced the trauma that I have gone through. I had the abortion because I didn’t want to trap him with a baby he didn’t want. He’s been supportive but basically he told me he didn’t know how we could raise this baby together and in a nutshell he didn’t want to jeopardize his marriage. Man did that hit me like a ton of bricks. I just froze and said well maybe I shouldn’t have this baby. Looking back, I feel like I rushed this decision to make him happy and I should have kept my baby and done it alone if I had to. Nothing prepares you for the aftermath of an abortion. Besides the physical pain, the emotional pain and trauma is the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I had the medical abortion and during the process I felt like I was laboring my dead baby. It was so horrible and I hate myself for doing it. You might wonder how can I say I loved this baby and did this and I did it because I felt pressured. The sadness, the emptiness, the loneliness, the heart break, it’s tremendous. I think about my baby all the time, think about the what ifs, think about how far along I would have been. I decided to see the ultrasound and it destroyed me but I was just so curious to see my baby at least one time. I feel like I’m walking around faking like I am okay when inside I am not. I don’t think I will ever be the same. One of the hardest parts has been not being able to talk about it or properly grieve and have to hold everything in. The only person that knows is him, but he doesn’t really understand what I’ve been through. For the few weeks I experienced being pregnant, my whole outlook on life changed. God really blessed us women to be able to bring life to Earth and I have a lot of guilt for destroying that. I hope one day I am blessed again with a child, but I am scared. I am scared any future pregnancies are going to be tarnished by this experience. For now all I hope for is forgiveness and even though I did what I did I will always love this little life that forever changed mine.

    • V  February 7, 2020 at 2:27 am Reply

      I had my abortion about the same time of you (but 6weeks) and I was also in the pretty much the same situation. It helps me to hear your story as I can relate. I’m also feeling similarly and its hard to keep it in. Thank you for sharing. Sending you love.

      • Anonymous  February 10, 2020 at 10:23 am

        Thanks V for sharing that you’re going through something similar. It’s been 5 weeks since my abortion and I’m doing a little better. The sadness is still there, I still think about my baby every day, but I also feel more anger now. I am trying hard not to fill my heart with anger but I am feeling a lot of resentment towards the baby’s father for not choosing us. I hope I can get through this.

    • Tamara  March 8, 2020 at 6:35 am Reply

      I completely relate to you and feel your pain.
      I got pregnant by a guy who is living with his girlfriend and has 3 children with her. I’ve never had kids and I’m 38. When I found out I was pregnant I was in disbelief. I told him and he said he wanted me to have the baby. I didn’t know where to do. I was so scared. We were never in a relationship and he already is living with a girl.
      It was the hardest decision of my life. I feel so disgusted with myself. I miss my baby. My human being.
      I cry myself to sleep every night.
      I hope you read this.
      I completely understand your pain.
      Your not alone.

      • Anonymous  March 13, 2020 at 10:14 pm

        Tamra my heart aches for you and thanks for sharing. It gets better but it doesn’t go away. There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think about our baby and the what if’s. Thinking of you.

  88. Jane  January 23, 2020 at 9:30 am Reply

    4 months since my abortion. I dont even know who I am anymore. My loving bf of 14 years is desperately trying to help me but it’s as if I feel nothing for him anymore. Before the abortion I could never imagine my life without him…. Is this normal?

  89. Emily  January 21, 2020 at 9:04 pm Reply

    I am 20 years old and just had an abortion after being 10 weeks pregnant. I have been with my boyfriend on and off for over a year but I am just not ready for a child. I feel so different now. It has been three days since the abortion, the cramping is done but my heart is heavy. I had the worst pain of my life both physically and mentally this past week. I feel different, empty, lonely. I know that it was the right decision for me right now because I want to bring a child into this world when I am financially stable and have the full support of everyone around me. I feel alone, my best friends have been amazing but I am struggling with allowing myself to grieve and getting my boyfriend to talk to me and open up about it because I know it hasn’t been easy on him either. I am able to put on a smile and fake it around almost everyone because only 3 people know, and no one in my family. I am so thankful I stumbled across this page because I have been searching for some support, some outlet. I have been journaling often, in hopes of connecting all feelings. I wish there was some sort of chat page or something where women could go to talk to other women who have went through this pain. I think that friends and family can support you so much but until they have went through it, it is very hard. Even I admit thinking it would be a some what peaceful process, emotionally and mentally it has been the opposite. To all the other college girls and anyone else suffering through this, you are not alone. You are strong, you are brave and you will get through this! Sending my love and prayers to those everywhere.

    • Anonymous  January 23, 2020 at 11:50 am Reply

      Emily I feel your pain. It’s something that unless you’ve experienced it you cannot relate. There’s so many conflicted emotions. Thinking about you!

    • Amiah  February 3, 2020 at 12:38 am Reply

      this was so helpful. especially right now. Your story was so heart felt and touching. I’ve never felt so alone in my life. I could be in a crowded room and still feel alone.. I’m 18 years old
      . I was head over heels for this guy I just couldn’t quite figure out but out connection was 10/10 stronger than anyone I’ve ever met. we would hangout a lot and hooked up a few times. we lost contact and went about our lives. A few months later ironically we saw each other at this party. We connected again and began to hook up again. I had no idea I was pregnant and found out a day before new year eve. I had a very hard time decision making on what was the best benefit for myself. but I look back and feel guilty ..

  90. Rae  January 20, 2020 at 12:22 am Reply

    I’m 22 and I’m 6 weeks. I contacted the baby father last week when I found out and he never replied. Last night I get a call from his mom that he’s in rehab and they’ll try to call even though he’s not allowed to in that facility. He is too immature and a liability to my child if I decide to keep the baby. I have an appt for medical abortion this Friday but I don’t think I’ll be able to do it. I’m terrified of raising a child on my own and sad that the baby may not have that father figure. But my family supports me either way, it’s the hardest decision ever and everyone expects me to have the answers and I don’t have not one answer. I know it’s my decision and all that but please any input would be helpful

    • Yvette Zacher  January 23, 2020 at 7:58 pm Reply

      Hello Rea, My heart is so heavy right now and I totally understand what you are going through. The fear , uncertainty and heavy heart of emotional struggle is and can be so overwhelming. I had an abortion many years ago when I was in my 20’s. I’m about 24 years out from that heartbreaking discussion when I terminated my 13 week pregnancy. I would just ask you please don’t rush this forever life changing decision. I just pray that you look into other options as many many couples struggle with infertility. I have tried to conceive for over 2 years sadly with no luck. This is a beautiful precious life Rea and part of you. I want to be a resource to you if you need to talk as I wished I would have had this. I still have moments of great sadness over my abortion and would do anything to return to that day when I terminated. Please stand strong on Gods promises to his children as God will be your strength to guide you through this time. May God Bless you and your precious child. Yvette

  91. Jen  January 17, 2020 at 5:07 am Reply

    I had an abortion when I was 17 it was around nov 2018… it’s been a little more over a year and I’m still not over it. I was in a relationship with this guy for 3 years when I realized I was pregnant, I told him and he was not happy about it. He drove me to planned parenthood and all that to setup an abortion. I was 7 weeks so I took the abortion pill. I honestly didn’t want to abort the baby at all. I remember telling my sister and friends about it and they all supported me. My friend told me not to abort it but I was scared that my boyfriend was going to leave me. I was crying so much in the room and the nurses kept asking if I was sure I wanted to do it. I kept saying yes but they knew I was hurt from it. They even asked if I wanted to see the little 7week human inside through the ultrasound but I declined. I knew I wouldn’t have took that pill if I saw what was in me. I regret It so much I wish I looked at the baby , I wish I never put his emotions in front of mine. It was painful the pain after taking the pill and bleeding so much, I hated the holidays and the feelings I felt. I was fine for two weeks, but then I was experiencing major anxiety and depression, my anxiety was so bad I couldn’t sleep, didn’t eat, and couldn’t go to school/work,, I felt like I wanted to die and death kept crossing my mind. Thankfully I don’t feel like that anymore. Just once every couple months now but when I remember the feelings it’s terrible. Brings me to a dark place. I remember how I felt with my morning sickness and how I felt bleeding and throwing up. Then I also think about that terrible anxiety I had. I just wish things were different . My boyfriend ended up cheating on me with some girl he was seeing behind my back for a whole year just a month after my abortion. I was heartbroken. But I will admit I am in better days.

  92. Elizabeth Beil  January 14, 2020 at 2:40 pm Reply

    I was 17 when I found out that I was pregnant, I hid it from my parents until they noticed my stomach was getting bigger. I was so scared I didn’t know what to do, they both confronted me and I admitted that I was pregnant and was about 4 months pregnant. My parents drove me to my obgyn and after he examined me and behind closed doors they discussed my options, they doctor told them that I would not be able to deliver naturally (which now I know is total BS) he told me that I should have an abortion and that would be my best option. I was a scared 17 and I thought the doctor was on my side I thought he wanted what was best for me, now I know better but back then I didn’t. They drove me to a clinic and they did an ultrasound and I saw my sweet baby a few hours later I was in the hospital having an abortion. That was 18 years ago, the father of that baby died if cancer back in 2011. Now I’m married and have three amazing children and my husband is wonderful, I sometimes look back and wish I could have stopped it, but I know my life would have been different I wouldn’t have the life I have now. I still cry, I still think about that sweet little baby boy no one understands why I get so upset about it, but I do. I’m so torn but I’m the only one who misses him and thinks about him ??

  93. Scared and confused mom  January 12, 2020 at 12:58 pm Reply

    I am so confused and broken right now. I am 7 weeks pregnant and I have the medical abortion pill waiting to be used. I have been with my boyfriend for 6 years and we both have a child from a previous relationship and now we are pregnant with our 1st child together. Our relationship has been extremely toxic over the years and I have left him many times only to be sucked back in. I feel like we can be better if I have our baby but I will never know and having this child could mean I would be stuck in this toxic relationship for ever. We are happy together at the moment and often talk about marriage but we are just so scared and uncertain how things will turn out. One second we know we want the baby and the next we are sure we don’t (I am sure I want it I’m just scared of the future). As every day goes by my decision becomes harder and harder and I’m already feeling regret about this whole thing. I have no idea what to do and this is breaking my heart and I’m running out of time. Do I bring a beautiful baby into this toxic relationship and hope everything will be okay or do I continue on with my life as it is with my 8 yr old son. Also if I have this baby that means I would have to give up everything I have ever worked for (house, career, family, friends) and I would have to move 3 hrs away and start my life over with my boyfriend so we can be together as a family. This is by far the most difficult thing I have ever had to face. 🙁

    • Jennifer  January 15, 2020 at 5:16 am Reply

      Please my love don’t do it. I am in no way judging you just trying to spare you the pain that follows afterwards. For each women the emotions evoked is different. For me I’m still traumatized. I was like you. Feeling trapped and conflicted and I took a path I thought would save me but it’s killing me. That baby is part of your story. They are no mistake. It’s a gift. Don’t live a life wondering what would or could of been it’s a phycological torture. Unwrap your gift and be blessed. I love you & your sweet baby. Praying for guidance in your life and clarity. You will be okay I promise.

    • Susun  January 17, 2020 at 12:07 am Reply

      Nobody can know what your right path is but yourself. The decision you make it what makes sense for you right now I’m these circumstances. Either way, there will be grief and loss. You will file with this, either way.

      I struggled to make my choice, I am on day 2 of Misoprostol at a ten week gestation. Taking the Misoprostol is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I needed all my girlfriend’s lighting candles for me and the baby, I needed to imagine the wellspring of support holding me, however creative the vision. My first abortion, of my forth child, and after losing my husband, father of the previous three, two years ago. I have deep love and appreciation for this little being, who I’ve named and envisioned, who I’ve also let go back into the mystery. The sadness, the intense sadness, comes in waves. Mixed with relief, a sense that this decision, though incredibly difficult, is the best for the well bring of me and my other children. I have a small altar for my process, for this creature that is returning to the ether. And I will not forget these days.

      Of course you can do it, whatever you choose, your path will be bright and steady, again. Below the level of your mind, you’ll have an inner sense of what is right for you. Right now.

      Sending you bright love and care.

      • KJ  March 16, 2021 at 7:20 am

        These are really kind words and have given me some hope and strength. Thank you.

  94. Aryaman  January 6, 2020 at 12:58 pm Reply

    My girlfriend went through abortion 2 weeks ago. She was around 11 weeks pregnant. The baby wasn’t mine, she had unprotected sex just before meeting me and that led to this. She didn’t know about the pregnancy, she just came to know about it 1 week before getting the abortion. After the abortion, she thought things would be right between us, but she felt very messed up and couldn’t talk properly. I understood that and decided to just check up on her and help her remember the meds and various things she needs to know. She doesn’t tell anybody what she’s feeling, but I got her to speak about it. She doesn’t like doing anything, she isn’t meeting anybody as well as trying to avoid going out. When she goes out, she goes into a panic state seeing a lot of people. Also, she thinks she rushed the decision of abortion and primarily she thinks she killed someone. I’m trying to stay positive as I can. I am sending her gifts, positive messages as well as I’m always available for her. She just has these bad moods for so long. Like, it lasts for more than 5 hours. It does get itself better though. She has anxiety issues since around 6 months due to the previous relationship. Can you help me tell what is the best way forward? If you have any other questions, I’ll answer honestly.

    • Chloe  January 6, 2020 at 2:16 pm Reply

      Personally, I think what you are already doing for your girlfriend is wonderful. Hardships always test the strength of a relationship and if you can help your girlfriend heal through this horrible time, that is a sign of a strong relationship. I’m sure she is more grateful for you than she let’s on. From my own experience, talking about what I went through helps me to forgive myself for the choice I made which helps me move forward so if you can encourage your girlfriend to talk about it, this might help her heal. A lot of people have said that when they bottled it up, it was harder to deal with later on. Time is the best healer, but love helps too and it’s important that your girlfriend doesn’t feel isolated or alone <3

  95. Chloe  January 3, 2020 at 6:25 pm Reply

    I had an abortion on Christmas Eve, just over a week ago. My boyfriend and I had been together just 5 months at the time and we are both 23. Our relationship hadn’t been perfect. I think I knew that I was pregnant before and delayed doing the tests so that I could have the time just me and baby before things started to get complicated. I told my boyfriend and he made it very clear that he was not ready to be a dad. I was heartbroken and we went to the doctors the next day to get a referral for an abortion. I had 2 weeks between this time and the actual abortion to make my decision. I know that the final decision was mine and I wanted to keep it, but it didn’t seem fair to make somebody a father when he wasn’t ready. I thought about how I would feel had I been in his shoes. So we went through with it. It has brought my life utter sadness. Exactly a week after the abortion, my boyfriend and I broke up. I pushed him away because I made it clear how I felt about everything. I pushed him away when I needed him the most. The pain has doubled because he is the closest thing to the baby I had inside me and I’m finding it hard to cope with the fact that I don’t have either of them anymore. Feeling very lost.

    • Amanda  January 4, 2020 at 9:57 pm Reply

      Chloe I am so sorry I totally understand. It’s been 23 years since I was in your exact situation and I recall all the same feelings you have described. I was 17. I got back with him over and over in order to try and make sense of it all. But each time I refused to have sex for fear of the same thing happening. On the anniversary of the termination he exploded. Pointed out I was on the pill that this couldn’t continue I was pushing him away so we had sex it was awful. After I vomited over and over for best part of 2 days from stress and we broke up. A month later he came to collect stuff from my house and in spite demanded I do a p/test which he had on him. I did and to my horror it was positive. There I was again just a year on. I was in pure panic. This time I didn’t even like him how could I bring up a child in this nightmare at such a young age. So I did what I had to on my own. He found out and intentionally got his ex pregnant a few months later I was so hurt I called him he put me on loud speaker. She listened to me cry and then told me how terrible I was. Months past and he returned asking if we could try again. He broke the bond we had with that pregnancy. He regretted that and it never worked out with his ex sadly for his daughter. 20 years on I saw him with his daughter in the shop. I was with my husband and 4 kids. It seems like it was something I dreamt. I love my life, my family. This isn’t the life I would have had I had those pregnancies however I didn’t face my grief and guilt this is something I need to deal with still but I do understand. Chloe sending you love and hope that your future will be wonderful with someone worthy of you. Be kind to yourself. Amanda xx

      • Chloe  January 6, 2020 at 7:55 pm

        Hi Amanda, thank you so much for your reply and thank you for your kind words. I’m so sorry you went through what you did but thank you for sharing your story with me. I hope I too can look back in 23 years time, happy, and know that things would have been very different for me had I made a difference choice. I’m sorry that you feel as though you still need to face your grief and guilt. I have found that talking about it helps me so much but find that sometimes it is hard for other people to understand what it is like if they haven’t been through it themselves. Feel free to email me at if you want to! 🙂 xx

      • Chloe  January 7, 2020 at 6:36 pm

        Hi Amanda. Thank you so much for your reply and your kind words! Im so sorry you went through what you did, but thank you for sharing your story with me. I hope I can look back in 23 years time, happy, and realise that life would have been so much different had I made a different choice. I’m sorry that you feel you still have grief and guilt to face. For me, being open about my abortion with the people I love has helped me feel less ashamed. I am slowly learning to forgive myself and I hope you can too <3

    • Emily  January 21, 2020 at 9:07 pm Reply

      Hi Chole,

      I am beyond sorry for everything you have went through. I just wanted to reach out and say that I understand how you feel and I am sending you all the love. I have very recently went through with it myself and I feel so heavy hearted and lost. If you ever want to chat, feel free to reach out.


  96. Sylvia Brown  January 3, 2020 at 5:37 am Reply

    My daughter had an abortion at 24 weeks she had to deliver the wee boy stillborn.She now regrets what she has done and cries and drinks alcohol excessively to block the pain.She is only 19 and keeps threatening to kill herself.We have had to arrange the funeral which completely devastated me so he gets cremated this month.It upsets me to see my daughter like this but there is only so much I as a mum can do I have no support from her 4 brothers or sister which makes it very hard for me.I keep reminding her he is with the Angel’s now and at peace but she does not accept this.I can only hope that things will get better once the wee soul is laid to rest x

  97. Anonymous  December 24, 2019 at 4:38 am Reply

    I had my abortion a couple of days ago and I’ve regretted ever since, my heart hurts like I’ve never felt and I don’t know if I’ll ever be the same but all I know is that whoever is reading this ur not alone. My baby would’ve been 7 weeks tomorrow and it’s hard to know the choice I made and I keep telling my self I’ll be ok, but I don’t think this decision I’ve made will never not come around to haunt me. You think you’ve made the right decision before it’s to late and honestly I’ve never been so broken in my whole life I’m just wondering if anyone else feels like this? My mom says it’s normal and that she would take my pain away from me if she could but it still hurts so much. I’m always gonna wonder how much different my life would’ve been? My boyfriend seems to be handling this a lot better then me and I don’t know how he’s doing it, cause I feel like I’m drowning. I can’t sleep anymore and barely even smile nowadays. I have told my brother but I know he’s been really worried about me lately and I just need a hug from him but I don’t wanna to be judge cause I’m already in so much pain.

    • Aly  January 3, 2020 at 6:19 pm Reply

      There will always be a part of you that will wonder what if. I had my termination just over 10 years ago and I still wonder. My advise to you is turn to your boyfriend. Use him for support. He may seem like he’s handling it ok but remember that he’s greiving too, just not the same way you are. I didn’t see my husband hurting and because of it I ended up pushing him away because I was afraid and thought I was alone. I see the error of my ways now and I’m glad that we are still together. Use the support that you have because it sounds like you have a fantastic group around you. It hurts now but you will be okay

  98. Catherine  December 6, 2019 at 8:44 pm Reply

    I had my abortion about a week ago my bf and I were not ready for a child what’s sad is that I made the decision to do this in order to keep peace in my family life and my relationship I have daughters and he has a son I wanted to keep the baby so bad ?the gist of it all is that I’m stating to resent my bf and I don’t know how to stop myself I love him more then anything but the resentment building up in my heart is consuming me.. I am furious at myself

  99. Boipelo  December 2, 2019 at 6:11 pm Reply

    It’s been three years since I had my abortion and not a day goes by that I don’t feel sad and angry with myself for what my then boyfriend and I chose to do. I always wonder how our baby would have turned out, whether it would have been a girl or a boy. The decision to abort was not an easy one, the father was not ready for a child and I also feared that my family would not approved of the pregnancy as I was 24 at the time. It breaks my heart knowing that I did this on my own free will and now I am struggling to conceive. My biggest fear is that I might never a child of my own and I won’t be able to explain it to my family and friends. It’s so hard having to live with this big secret, not being able to share your experiences and pain with your loved ones out of fear of being judged. I wish I could turn back the hands of time and make a different decision.

    • Amanda  December 9, 2019 at 6:43 pm Reply

      I am in the same position right now, I am 22 years old and had unprotected sex one weekend with my boyfriend. I am not ready to have a child right now, he isn’t either. I am scared to tell my family, because I will be disappointing them, I am scared to tell anyone, I am scared to go through with the pregnancy because I am still in school, and take care of my own expenses, I am scared I won’t be able to give my baby the care it needs. I am planning to do a medical abortion this Friday. However, a small part of me is scared that I won’t be given a second chance at pregnancy and I am scared I will regret this decision, I know I will feel guilty and I know I will always wonder what my life would have been if I got over my fear of judgment and kept it. I am five weeks right now, and have my last exam of the semester tomorrow, I am so scared.

      • Jennifer  January 15, 2020 at 5:30 am

        Sweet child don’t let fear of judgement make you make a decision that will stay with you for life. Have that beautiful beauty in you & continue moving forward in life. God loves you & so do I. Your going to make it through this.

  100. A hurting father  November 30, 2019 at 3:53 pm Reply

    I’ve been the “sperm donor,” in both my experiences. My first, I didnt trust my girlfriend and didnt even know for sure then child was mine. Either way, she was promiscuous and the hell the baby would’ve went thru was what allowed us to decide the unfortunate. My 2nd pregnancy, I was a p.o.s, to my girlfriend. I wasnt over that previous ex. I was an drunk and drug abuser, in and out of jail.i have made some horrible choices and big mistakes in my life, but I cannot stomach the memories of these 2 abortions. I cant even watch miscarriages on tv etc. I am married with two of the most beautiful baby boys , 4 and 2, I can imagine and I am still crushed into tears knowing they should have what I’m guessing is a 17 year old sister and a 12 year old sibling. It hurts to read everyone else’s stories as it should. Just know you are not alone. If we could take it back, we would, even though there is a chance they would’ve had a shitty life, but knowing they wouldve had a CHANCE to have a life or any kind of life should have been enough. If you are ok with using abortion as a form of birth control, then this site isnt for you and your cold black heart. If you have any feelings, then you know if even if you are not ready for a child, there are thousands of people who cant have kids who would be forever grateful for your gift of adoption. All in all, I was to blame for my 2 losses and to be honest, I’m probably the one hurting the most. My 2 exes are both married with children also and I dont know if they feel the same way as I do. All I know is I cant let go of what i did/approved and have tattoos to remind me of what I lost and the 2 I have. All I can do is promise my lost Angels is that I will do my best with the 2 sons and hope they know I will always love them. I hope they see how I treat my kids and can only approve.

  101. Joy  November 21, 2019 at 8:33 pm Reply

    I read some of these stories and they made me cry. I also understand because I have been through it myself. Some of you have been through a lot. I pray you will someday forgive yourself. Your pain, hurt, and what you went through is not too much for Jesus and He loves you. I listen to Christian worship music when I’m sad. There is also a forgiven and set free class at churches and counseling through pregnancy alternatives. John 10:10

    I love you,

  102. Annonymous  November 8, 2019 at 7:17 pm Reply

    It’s been over 40 years for me… I had two. I stuffed my feelings for 25 years before I told a sole. Since then I have been to a post abortion bible study and have told a few close friends. The only other one who knows is my husband who is also the father and does not want me to tell anyone else, especially our adult children. I thought I had healed until about a year ago, I have constant thoughts of sadness, grief, and guilt over the fact that my children really don’t know their mother. I’ve been blessed to even get to be a mom to my kids and now have five wonderful grandkids as well. I fear that they will find out what I did someday when I’m old and senile. This is my worst fear. I cannot for the life of me come to terms with how I could have done what I did twice, when I have so much love and nurture for my children and grandchildren. I’ve asked god to forgive me so many times throughout the years, i know that he has… I really feel that it’s myself that I need to forgive… I just don’t know how. So to answer your questions about time heals all… it’s been 40 years and the grief is still so raw.

    • Anonymous  November 10, 2019 at 3:29 pm Reply

      I feel like I could have written your exact response myself. It’s been four years for me and I know God has forgiven me but I haven’t forgiven myself. A year after I had mine, I got pregnant and this child had the exact due date as the one I aborted. My feelings are always all over the place about it. It’s such a loss for me but I know society doesn’t validate it as a loss since it was my choice. It’s hard keeping it bottled up and I’ve told my husband (wasn’t the father;didn’t know me yet) and I don’t think he understands the hurt which is understandable. I’m just hear to say thank you for letting me know that I’m not alone.

      • Sandy Thompson  March 4, 2020 at 8:50 pm

        40 years ago this month I had an abortion. My boyfriend and I were both 16. We both wanted to keep the baby but every way we turned we were informed that abortion was the answer. Even my minister told me I should have an abortion. No one said they would help us. I felt forced. I have six beautiful kids and 7 grandkids now but I still grieve for my first baby. If you have any doubts don’t do it. It can’t be undone and a lifetime later the pain is still raw. We are led to believe this child growing in us is not a life. It is disposable. That is a lie. We have been conditioned to believe this. I have never made this a secret to my children. They know my story. I can still hear that vacuum that ended my child’s life. Follow your heart.

  103. Sara  November 8, 2019 at 1:27 pm Reply

    My abortion was three years ago and I don’t think I’ll ever get over it. The sperm donor pressured me even though I wanted to keep it. It’s very expensive and difficult to get an abortion here so I did it under the table.

    I was completely alone and the sperm donor never once called to check on me or offered to sit with me while it happened.

    I hate him. I wish I could put him in my body so he could live through what I went through.

    And I hate me for being weak and throwing away my only realistic chance at motherhood for a manchild who treated me like garbage.

  104. A. R  October 16, 2019 at 1:34 am Reply

    I’m 30 years old and had an abortion 8 months ago. The first time in the clinic I sat through the entire process only to leave in tears after the doctor handed me the pills. I went back a week later and went through with the process. I am having a really hard time processing everything with my due date approaching. All of the reasons I had when I found out I was pregnant seem so small now. I regretted my decision the moment I got in the car and drove away, and hope one day I can forgive myself. I didn’t have the best job a few months ago and currently don’t have a job anymore, which was a big factor in my decision. But I also promised myself that I would do something before the due date to make sure I didn’t terminate my pregnancy in vain, and now I feel like I did because things are no different than a few months ago. I had all these reasons why I should terminate, I was finishing a class, me and the father weren’t on the best of terms, I didn’t have a stable job, no insurance. And then I talked myself into believing I wouldn’t be a good mother which I know is not true. I love kids but it is so hard to walk by them everyday and see pregnant women. I look at my stomach daily and think that it should be large and round now and its not. I didn’t even have the courage to look at the ultrasound or hear the heartbeat before ending the pregnancy. I feel like a coward, I know it would have been hard but I know so many women in worse positions than I was that carried their babies and went thru with their pregnancies and I feel ashamed that I didn’t do the same. I believe in having a choice but always said I would never have an abortion and then I was faced with the decision, it was such a scary time, I felt no joy of being pregnant like I thought i should, I was terrified of not being able to provide for my baby and not being in a healthy relationship. I blacked out for 2 weeks before I made my decision and really don’t remember much about my thought process while making my decision until the moment I walked out the clinic and that hurts so much, I feel like I should have taken more time to decided I was 7 weeks upon terminating my pregnancy I still had time to make an informed decision, but I didn’t want to grow anymore attached to the baby than I already was. That was all i had thought about for the last few years was becoming a mother and now I’m scared I have lost my chance. I work everyday to try to forgive myself, and truly picture what life would have been like with the father and my situation. I hope one day I can move on and not feel this regret, sadness, and grief. I also pray that I am blessed with the opportunity to become a mother again, I don’t think I will ever forgive myself if i am not. I appreciate all the posts and shares on this site as it helps to know you are not alone. I looked for help before my procedure even called a hotline and they were so not helpful only repeating its your decision and do what you feel is best. I wish there was more help for women out there during the decision phase and the counseling wasn’t so expensive so I could speak with someone now and help work through these feelings. I wish everyone that visits this site peace, and comfort during your experience and time and hope that knowing your not alone helps a little like it has helped me.

    • Andrea Giardina  October 23, 2019 at 9:59 pm Reply

      Hi, reading what you wrote I feel like I’m reading my own story. I know exactly what you’re going through and feel the same exact way on all levels. I hope for both our sake we are able to come to terms with our decisions and move forward. I hope to one day be pregnant again and be the best mother I can be.

    • AB  November 4, 2019 at 7:05 am Reply

      I read your story today and thought of myself. I am 21 and was faced with a very similar situation. I was afraid of what my parents would think of me, the father could barely support himself, i am not earning enough money and I am on mood stabilizing medication which is detrimental to pregnancy. I took the first pill in the doctor’s office and i hated myself so much i wanted to throw it up but i couldn’t. after that i had to go through with the rest. it was the most painful experience physically & emotionally and i felt i deserved every bit of it. i lay awake at night and think of it and pray for forgiveness every night even almost a year later. I have no degree, i’m in and out of hospitals due to my mental health, i feel i am not fit right now to be a mother. i still wish i could go back and change my decision. i keep thinking now about how i was wrong and my parents wouldve still been there for me. i always wanted a girl and i hope in the future I can be blessed with a pregnancy again. reading your story i feel as though i am not alone. i see now there are other women out there who had such a similar experience to me and it makes me feel like there are others who can understand me. i wish you the best of luck and happiness going forward and thank you so much for sharing your story, because I was in a really dark place today and this helped me

      • Sad  November 29, 2019 at 12:29 am

        My story is sad I feel. I guess all these stories are. & it sucks so much because I’m in college & I felt like I had no choice. I could not see my life 9months from now . & now I’m confused & sad & idk where to turn to , or what to say. Bc now I want to be a mom. But the other part of me wants to run away from it all. & then part of me was relieved and now it’s upsetting bc I feel like a complete failure , sad, & like a failure , idk what to even say. His friends disgust me
        , his family , everything about him just makes me resent the boy I created the baby with. I still date him. & that’s another thing Idk how to feel , I’m sure the birth control is part of this , but I’m trying to find myself right now & the sad thing is I picked out a name and everything for the baby . I had outfits, I had so many plans for us as a family & I am such a coward for aborting the baby. Because I was ashamed of what my family would say.& my family isn’t even all that. Feels like I have no one & now I can’t get over any of it. It’s only been about 6 weeks. & I wish I could go back in time I regret all of this. & my heart is broken. But this is sad & I don’t know how to feel about anything . Feels like a never ending merry go round. I miss my child & I hope God forgives me. Because I know He will. But it isn’t filling this hole inside of my heart. I feel like the pregnancy took everything away from me . & now I just don’t know anymore. </3

    • Yara  December 30, 2019 at 12:49 pm Reply

      Reading all these stories makes me so sad.. and upset as I’ve been through this twice. I was 22 and so was my partner. We are now still only 23. I was definitely shocked that I was pregnant and so was the father as we had only started dating 3 months prior. This year was the hardest year I’ve had to go through. I wanted to have my baby, imagining how he or she would look.. if it was a boy or girl.. he didn’t want to have it as we both don’t have a very good job atm so to we definitely didn’t think we could give this baby the life it deserved. Sometimes I feel fine, until it really hits me again and I feel sad and lonely. Even though my partner (we’re still together) says he feels the same. I’m not taking that feeling away from him but at the same time it was essentially because of him that I did not go through it. But I allowed this to happen, so it’s wasn’t just up to him. But still deep down I know I felt like this was really his decision. It makes me sad and happy when I see pregnant women, because I’m happy they’re doing what I couldn’t but at the same time I’m sad my due date would of been approaching and my belly isn’t big like it should be. I had my second abortion at around 10 weeks. So I was putting it off for a bit and the clinic didn’t have any appointments. I was thinking about it but I didn’t want to be the girl that traps her boyfriend with a kid. I wasn’t feeling happy like I should of been feeling. It was probably one of the worst feelings I’ve experienced in my life . 3 months later it happens again.. and we still weren’t in a position to have this child .. I went through it again but overall sometimes I regret the decision but I also know I ultimately didn’t have another choice. As finances are not yet aligned.

  105. Catie  October 6, 2019 at 9:54 pm Reply

    So at the age of 19 I was living with my still current boyfriend. I am now 21, when I found out I was pregnant it was not a good point in my life, I had no job, no money, I had moved in right after graduation the year before and it was rough at that point. We knew we couldn’t have a baby. So for months I tried to convince myself to keep the baby, or at least thought I was trying… At 10 weeks pregnant I knew for sure I couldn’t do it. I tried to make an appointment for an abortion they had a wait list, so I was put on it for 5 weeks later, in this time I had Been really sick to the point of being hospitalized. I had tests done and had everything looked at including the genes I would be passing down to the baby, and the test all turned out amazing, I have no negative genes and the baby was healthy and also a little girl. So when the time came to get the abortion I was still so hesitant about getting it because I knew that’s not what I wanted but it would be best for the baby, because I knew I couldn’t have the baby adopted, so there I am sitting on this cold table after hours of waiting and hours of being nervous and they start the procedure, I’m not sure if they don’t let you choose to be sedated or if I just wasn’t paying attention, the lady that was doing the procedure never says a word to me….. but she has the screen turned toward me while doing the procedure, not fully but just enough where I could see EVERYTHING… there she is taking my baby apart piece by piece. And I try to say something but I was so heavily drugged I physically couldn’t say anything or do anything, that was the worst thing that I have ever seen in my entire life and still to this day I am still trying to move on, I even tried naming her and going to counseling whatever I could think of and I cannot even talk about the baby without crying. I would not take back the decisions I made, I would have just made them sooner and chose to be fully asleep for the procedure. I’m not sure what to do or who to go to. I am desperate and I’m making myself miserable..

  106. Amy  September 7, 2019 at 2:08 am Reply

    I’m a 33 yo and went through termination 14 years ago when I was 19.. 19 was considered young in my country and I was just going to college.. it was a tough 14 years and even today as I write this, successful in my career, I am grieving. Some days it suddenly hits me and I cry silently, heart aching so much. Without termination I would not be where I am today, my boyfriend then was helpless and so was i. But boy it hurts.. I was just past second trimester so the hospital refused to let me take pills or a one day procedure. I was checked in for 3 days and went through induced labour. It was the loneliest and most painful experience of my life. When the baby slipped out onto my undies after I went to the bathroom, the callous nurse was nonchalant and asked me to ‘wear it back and get back to the bed’. Till today the experience of seeing my bloodied baby and having to waddle like a duck back to the bed, ironically for fear of hurting it, haunts me. I left the hospital a day later a changed person. I guess I don’t regret my choice, but really really regret not having the courage to ask how they disposed of it. I was broke and had no money for cremation. My kid would have been 14 this year and not a day goes by where I don’t miss him/her and weep silently for the what-ifs.

    • Elizabeth  September 11, 2019 at 1:51 am Reply

      Amy, that is an extra tough abortion to go through and I would also be haunted by the whole experience. I am a similar age to you and also aborted over a decade ago but still think about what happened now. Sending you and your unborn baby love and letting you know you are not alone in your grief and journey. I find solace in asking for forgiveness from the unborn baby. Hopefully, you are able to find a path forward as well.

  107. Akt  September 2, 2019 at 9:49 am Reply

    Hi, about 3 months ago I found out I was pregnant at 23. I am in a loving committed relationship. I grew up with a rather strict religion household. My mom bought me a purity ring at 12 and I was forced to wear it until married although at 21 I took it off and at 22 started having sex with my boyfriend. I never ever thought I would have an abortion I thought it was wrong, grown up to have family talk about it as if you do this you go to hell. I was always terrified of getting pregnant though and we used double protection but around April of 2019 I decided to get off of it and in May of 2019 I conceived.. finding out I was over 2 weeks late I knew, I didn’t want to believe it but I did know I was. We took a test. Yes just one. It was a digital top brand that came up within 1 minute! Anyway.. we were shocked but began to process this and decide what we would do. Having a baby in my house at such a “young age” my parents think that’s still too young) is unheard of in my family. We are also not financially there yet and we both work and go to school, he feels guilty that he isn’t ready yet and was actually excited to become a dad and I was started to enjoy it too but when it came down to it I know we made the right choice and me being so early in my pregnancy made it a lot easier as to finding out way later. I was 8 weeks. The process was not quick we were there all day, I had mine and it was not too bad they put me on a lot of medicine so I was drugged, at my boyfriends house though I felt some cramping and I started to cry a lot. We both cried. I honestly was heart broken because I want to be a mom someday timing is just really bad right now. He really wanted to be a dad and this has affected him a lot. I am still in the shock confused process and since I still live at home with a family who has no idea it is hard not being able to properly grieve. I miss my little baby though and sometimes think about him/ her. I still do not regret my decision though bc we were not there yet but hopefully when we get married we can conceive again! To anyone who is confused or suffering it doesn’t hurt to seek help and that is what I am going to do now, don’t try to forget or let it go it will make it worse. If anyone wants to talk to me I’m here for you.

    • Siya  October 8, 2019 at 8:11 am Reply

      I had an abortion this month and it’s been a week but I can’t sleep or eat because I’m thinking about what I’ve done and my breast is sore and swollen and sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night thinking about what I’ve done

    • Tshepo Suping  December 15, 2019 at 5:00 pm Reply

      Hi so how is your boyfriend dealing with it actually how are you two dealing with it?

      My girlfriend and I had an abortion about a month ago, we are also 23 fresh graduates from varsity with no jobs yet. We don’t know how to deal with the grief.

  108. Jade  August 15, 2019 at 5:53 am Reply

    I had been with my boyfriend for 6 years, throughout grade school, before we decided to have a baby after my first year of college. At 18, dumb in love even after all the toxicity this relationship had, we thought we were ready for a baby and that our family would support us and help anyway so why not. I don’t know what I was thinking of two years ago but it wasn’t anything responsible. I had our first born just short a month of my 20th birthday, a baby, which at 21 I still am. My daughter helped me grow up and mature, her dad not so much. He became even more irresponsible and was dealing and doing drugs without me noticing until he overdosed at work. Strange enough I stayed with him but me and my baby moved back home with my mom. I got pregnant again when my baby was about 6 months old. I was carrying all the parenting weight, stopped breastfeeding and was careless with my birth control and still stuck in a “dumb in love” state when I entertained the thought of another baby and my baby father being clean and giving us a good life after all. I was mistaken and when I look back I should’ve guessed he’d spiral again and I would’ve been a single mother of two without a degree living at my mom’s. I always felt so much guilt for the father I chose for my daughter and I couldn’t imagine giving him another baby he didn’t deserve and making a hard life for myself my first born and this baby. I lost the baby on my mom’s birthday at home after taking the pills. My baby dad at first agreed that we couldn’t selfishly bring another child into this mess, but soon enough I was a murderer and he didn’t support me or give me a shoulder through the whole loss bit still expected my love and the relationship. I left him then and again last month because he is not ready for adulthood or Parenthood and I want to make a good life for myself and my daughter and for the baby who’s life was given up so that I could make something of myself and not have two kids struggle with me. I regret not keeping my baby everytime my daughter brings me great happiness or strength to work and go to school for us. I know I could’ve done it and had support from my family because my mom told me so after I told her I got an abortion and she’s been my rock with my daughter but at the time and still today I know I feel guilty and sadness for both having and not having my babies because I wasn’t ready financially and I didn’t pick the best father candidate. All that gets me through the tough nights like this is knowing my baby didn’t die for nothing. I am going to honor my babies life by doing well for myself and being the best mom to my firstborn. I keep what little remains I have in a beautiful mini urn. At 10 weeks you can clearly identify your baby and it will always remain with me, especially going through it alone. I often thank my angels for keeping my daughter fast asleep that night the baby past while I cried in pain emotional and physical alone. I love my baby and I wantedy baby but I know I did what was best for us all in the end. I’m not too godly but I always believe in guardians and I hope my baby understands and forgives me and I can see it spiritually someday.

  109. Can't move on  August 6, 2019 at 8:06 am Reply

    I had an abortion on Oct 4 2018.
    My situation was not like most, I was 28yo engaged to my now husband, on holiday with my 3 beautiful children and 6 days away from my youngest child’s 1st Birthday. My husband had a vasectomy in May 2018 and we were content with our choice to not have any more children. In June 2018 I was diagnosed with post natal depression, i was angry, agitated and tired all the time but since starting the meds I was feeling better. Then we found out we were pregnant with baby #4. I was so scared that I wouldn’t be able to hold myself together. I felt broken as it was and now there was going to be another baby… the baby stage is what I struggled with most. I felt like I had nothing left to give and not only would baby #4 suffer but my 3 kids and husband would suffer too. What made things harder was that my husband thought it was a miracle falling pregnant after his vasectomy (even though he should have gotten checked). I just felt angry and blamed him that this had happened and now it was my choice and something I had to do. It’s been 10months and I’m still struggling to accept what we chose. There are days that I feel ok and that we made the right choice, days that I am so angry at myself for not giving myself the chance to love another child and being to scared to try, days that I picture what my child would look like and how close they would be with my youngest child now, how old they would be, the name we would have given them, if they would look like their brothers and sister. I just need to get passed this and I can’t find the way up. I often think that maybe I would feel better if we have another baby now but we can’t because the vasectomy (has been checked now) was successful. I don’t know how to move on without holding this pain. It overwhelms me, cripples me.

    • Cloud  August 18, 2019 at 10:11 am Reply

      I am 38yo and 5 weeks pregnant. As my Husband and I have 2 healthy children (12yo and 4yo), he doesn’t want to keep this baby for fear the pregnancy and baby will impact our lives negatively. While the baby was unplanned, I felt happy to know I was pregnant again but will be going for an abortion in 2 – 3 weeks time for the sake of my marriage and family. Even before the abortion has been done, I already feel so so so guilty and sad for making this decision. I don’t know how I will cope after the abortion… reading all the various experiences here, I don’t think I will ever recover from this regret and guilt, and forget this experience. I love my Husband and family very much but feel like I’ve failed as a Mother to protect my unborn child.

      • Restore  August 25, 2019 at 2:14 am

        Hi. I am 38 yo. I had an abortion on 10/16/18. We were together for 2 years but not married. we both have kids from previous relationships, they are all teens and tweens. I was greatly excited and terrified when i found out I was pregnant. I thought our relationship was strong enough to have a child. We talked about marriage often. His response was nothing that I expected. I went into fear mode and terminated pregnancy with the help of him taking me to the clinic. This caused me to hold in bitterness and have trust issues with him. We ended our relationship in June 2019. Although I am content with the relationship being over. My heart aches tremendously for my child. I feel like I shattered pieces of my destiny and legacy. It hurts the most when I see healthy, happy babies with a parent. There are many days that I feel strong but also many days that I feel utterly destroyed. The relationship could have still ended if I kept the child. But with him never negotiating with me to reconsider our options and my fear of the stress of being a parent in a dysfunctional co-parent situation again, I built a wall up and lost alot of respect and trust for him which ultimately destroyed everything we built together. I will definetly keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Both choices are still extremely hard.

      • Restoremysoul  August 25, 2019 at 2:38 am

        Hi. I am 38 yo. I had an abortion on 10/16/18. We were together for 2 years but not married. we both have kids from previous relationships, they are all teens and tweens. I was greatly excited and terrified when i found out I was pregnant. I thought our relationship was strong enough to have a child. We talked about marriage often. His response was nothing that I expected. I went into fear mode and terminated pregnancy with the help of him taking me to the clinic. This caused me to hold in bitterness and have trust issues with him. We ended our relationship in June 2019. Although I am content with the relationship being over. My heart aches tremendously for my child. I feel like I shattered pieces of my destiny and legacy. It hurts the most when I see healthy, happy babies with a parent. There are many days that I feel strong but also many days that I feel utterly destroyed. The relationship could have still ended if I kept the child. But with him never negotiating with me to reconsider our options and my fear of the stress of being a parent in a dysfunctional co-parent situation again, I built a wall up and lost alot of respect and trust for him which ultimately destroyed everything we built together. I will definetly keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Both choices are still extremely hard. I would rather have tje child and go through ALL of the chaos again then grieving for my child and anger over making the decision to end my pregnancy.

      • S  January 29, 2020 at 3:00 pm

        Hi Cloud,
        I would love to hear an update on how you are doing now. I am in the exact same situation and have scoured the internet trying to find someone else going through the same thing. I am 37, married, a mother to 2 other children ages 10 and 8 and I just had an abortion yesterday at 7 weeks. When we found out I was pregnant, I was shocked at first but quickly fell in love with that little baby #3 but my husband just could not accept the ways our lives would change if we had it. Even though I desperately wanted that baby, I chose to terminate to hang onto the happy marriage and family that we already have. And now I am heartbroken and ashamed and so angry with myself and with him. Please tell me how things have turned out for you? Are you recovering? Do you regret it?
        Thank you for any response you can give. Just reading your post and knowing I’m not alone in this situation has helped more than you know.

  110. Michelle  July 30, 2019 at 2:36 pm Reply

    I am 36. I’ve always wanted children. My husband and I are divorcing and that’s one of the reasons. I have been dating casually. I got pregnant on the first date with someone I’d known for awhile, but never dated. He was excited and wanted the baby and a family. I was also dating someone else. We weren’t sure at first who the father was. While we waited for results from a dna test I went on a planned vacation with the other man who’d id been dating for awhile. When I returned we found out it was fist date guy. Because I took the vacation, he wasn’t interested in me anymore. He was angry I went, he said his feelings had changed. I wanted the baby so badly. But he didn’t. He said he’d support me either way, but wouldn’t respond to any talk or messages about the baby. He was standoffish and frankly quite mean at times. At our first ultrasound he wouldn’t even look at me. I didn’t want to be a single mother, I was scared he’d leave or worse try and take the baby from me. He finally flat out said he didn’t want it and thought I should “do the hard thing” I had to go back 3 times before I went through with it. Three hours later I was hysterical. I had just made the worst decision of my life. I could have done it alone. I could have. That was my baby. Since then I have had constant panic attacks and severe depression. All I think about day and night is the baby, my baby. Dad stuck around for about a month before he said “he was just too busy for a relationship” I’ve had so much loss. And I can’t cope. I try to remind myself the reasons. But it all seems arbitrary now. I can’t forgive myself.

    • Lisa  August 17, 2019 at 3:31 pm Reply

      Michelle,I just wanted to say I know how you feel as my situation had some similarities with yours. I can sense your pain and sadness from your words. I’m 5 years on from my abortion and it still tears me apart. I can’t and will never get over it. I was 35 at the time and now I realise I could have done it alone too, that was my baby and I loved him/her. I just didn’t have any support and instead was disowned and told nothing but negatives. So I made the wrong choice against my own will because I was frightened and felt I had no one. I wish I was as strong then as I am now and I would never have let my little baby down like I did ? I am heartbroken and can never be at peace.
      Just wanted to send you a hug and let you know you are not alone ❤️

      • Angelica  September 6, 2019 at 3:43 pm

        I’m 35 and had an abortion on Tuesday I was just 10 weeks this due to me going to the clinic three times previous bursting into tears and leaving unsure of a decision , I was in a casual relationship id been dating this lad for 10 months first 5 months we were purely plutonic -i was starting to develop feelings – I already have a girl whose 6 from my first relationship and always wanted a boy to complete my life I suppose when I fell pregnant i was actually happy and excited but dubious about my partner as we weren’t serious plus i knew me being a different culture would prove difficult for him and i understand that ! When i informed him I was 6 weeks gone and he txt me saying cant have kids sort it! to this I replied I will dont worry i went into shock as his whole demina had changed and this showed his intensions for me even though deep down I knew this would be the case! I went into shock mode I started getting very depressed my anxiety was through the roof I was very sick with the pregnancy and started to feel so alone as I isolated myself from him and didn’t contact him for a few weeks leaving me to decide my next steps and taking into consideration it was his choice too I had conflicting people in my ear telling me what to do influencing my thoughts my mum was very unsupportive and almost turned against me I was struggling to work due to servere morning sickness I was worried about my daughter being affected by my low mood all around I was struggling just hoping he would redeem himself and contact me saying I’m here for you ! My head was gone i didnt know how i felt anymore and couldnt reach a verdict knowing time was running out i opted to abort ! After I had the abortion on Tuesday I felt relief the next day he contacted me I told him I went through with it and he can relax to this he replied I miss you I want to see you I replied no it’s done!!!!! On the wed I had second part of treatment and within few hours i started to loose blood then i accidently saw the baby I instantly broke down on my bathroom floor the grief was so overwhelming never felt pain like it I kissed it and saw it was a boy which I’ve always wanted i couldnt let go my emotions are through the roof I just want my boy back my regret is so painful all I want is to go back a week I can’t eat or sleep I wished id done want my heart wanted and told everyone else to do one its your life ultimately! God willing I’m blessed with a child again i can honestly say I couldn’t go through an abortion again ! I prayer I have my son again I’m sorry son I love you x

  111. Anne  July 30, 2019 at 8:33 am Reply

    I am 23 years old and I had my first abortion in 2017 and my second one in 2018. I regret my decision to terminate so badly. I terminated with my now ex boyfriend, at first the 1st termination felt so easy to do. We weren’t ready, he loved me and wanted to have a baby with me but that just wasn’t the right time. I was convinced that giving life to a baby with two unready parents wasn’t fair no matter how connected I felt to it. But as sad as it sounds, this termination brought me closer to my ex and it felt good. The second termination, my ex and I were having issues and i wasn’t as sure what I wanted to do but the day I found out, my ex made an appointment the very next day. I had no time to process but I just had to trust him. 2 weeks later, he broke up with me, and I think I secretly accepted the termination because I thought it’d bring us closer like the first one did. I haven’t told my parents and I really want to, but I’m scared that they’d tell me they would’ve helped me through it all and that would put me in a spiral of a deeper regret. My mum told me one time, “a baby is apart of you, and if you ever lost it, you should still speak about it because it was apart of you and your life.”
    I feel so sad about my decisions because I want a baby so bad now. I feel so empty knowing what I done and could’ve been. I’ve never, ever looked up post abortion web links but I was triggered into deep thought once again knowing that my niece who is 17yo gave birth… she didn’t tell anyone that she was pregnant but she still was brave enough to have the baby despite her unreadiness. Every time I hear about a baby that would’ve been due the same time as my baby or my cousins baby who would’ve been the same age or they could’ve been playing and growing up together just really, really saddens me. And it hurts me more that I can’t talk about this to anyone.

    I really pray that God knows my regret and sadness and gives me another chance to bring a baby into this world, made out of undying love.

  112. Lisa Firestone  July 5, 2019 at 6:24 am Reply

    Hi, Email: Robinsonbuckler {{ @ hotmail }}. com to get your ex lover back………………………

  113. Michelle  July 5, 2019 at 6:19 am Reply

    Hi, Email: Robinsonbuckler@hotmail. com to get your ex lover back.

  114. Tee  June 29, 2019 at 5:29 pm Reply

    It’s amazing that this post exists, I’m equally happy to see so many honest open people talking about how they regret their decision, there are so many search results on the internet for “relief, why I don’t regret my abortion” almost like the agenda for abortion is being shoved down the necks of women and the actual experience of pain both physical and mental is ignored. The internet doesn’t tell of the waves of regret, pain, loneliness of having a soul snatched from you, the emptiness you feel afterwards, the actual heartbreak that was your ‘choice’. In an ideal world, had I known at the time that it would stay with me, I would have had my baby. I let it become a lesson to me but as I approach ‘it’s’ would’ve been 1st Birthday, I can’t stop the emotions that run deep within me. I was only 5 (+1) weeks, if you’re reading this please don’t rush into it, think about having the baby, no matter how much you have going on, they really are a blessing.

  115. Alexia  June 27, 2019 at 12:10 am Reply

    When I was 19 years old, I dated this guy I though that loved me and wanted to be with me. We had broken up a few weeks later because he decided not to be with me more. A month passes by and I didn’t get my period, I took a pregnancy test and of course I end up pregnant. I panicked I didn’t know what to do… me and my ex weren’t together and I didn’t like that. I was scared to tell my parents. I was pressured by my friends to do an abortion because they thought it was the best option. My boyfriend at the time gave me mixed emotions of keeping the baby then not wanting it. He said he would support me with which ever decision I make… he said it’s my body I do what ever.
    I went to the clinic ( my bf agreed to have an abortion), and I saw the sonogram of my baby and he/she heart beat. I was so sad that I was going to have to do that… and it was the worst pain ever.. something I will never recommend to any one. Now I understand what it is to carry a baby, you feel the connection I did feel it with my baby. And till this day 5 months later I regret it so much. It was the worst decision ever, I should’ve thought about it throughly whether with my bf or not I should’ve kept it and I have the worst guilt and pain I have ever experienced… I was think how my baby would look like girl or boy. Curly hair or not… and what name would I give it .. I am now seeking therapy and I hope god blesses me with another baby to keep forever

  116. Rachel  June 26, 2019 at 7:40 pm Reply

    I am so glad I found this site. After hearing about Google stopping adverts for abortion clinics all those feelings came back.
    I had an abortion 22 years ago. Back then my boyfriend at the time said he would support whatever decision I made. He never said he wanted to keep it and there was no way we could have supported a child (I was 19). He took me to the clinic which was immensely scary. I just couldn’t stop thinking about the foetus and how big it was. Afterwards he drove me home and left me while he went out. He didn’t really speak to me for a long time after that. I was alone feeling in pain, mentally, emotionally and physically and felt embarrassed to tell anyone. I didn’t even tell my own parents.
    Then in the years following he became physically abusive and used to call me a murderer. This is what I thought everyone else would think so I was ashamed yet emotionally falling apart inside.
    I now have 2 beautiful children and a very supportive husband. I have told him about it but I still don’t feel comfortable talking about it and nobody else knows.
    All these years later I still think about that baby. Every year I think how I could have a child. He or she would be 22 now.
    I just wish people weren’t so judgemental – it would have been so much easier on me if I could have told someone and not felt so dreadful. I don’t think these feelings will ever go away.

  117. Leisha  June 24, 2019 at 12:16 pm Reply

    I had an abortion 3 days ago and it has been one of the painful things I’ve ever had to do. No one understands the pain you go through of losing something you can never get back. I feel like I’m in a place where I can’t forgive myself. This is something I’ve wanted for as long as I can remember and I so willingly gave up it up. I haven’t felt so much emptiness in my life until now. My boyfriend already has two kids and it was a lot to bring in another one, but now I don’t want to be around his kids and I feel like that makes me a horrible person because we do everything together. I hope to not hate myself forever, but I’ll always wonder what could have been.
    A grieving lost soul.

    • Rach  July 1, 2019 at 11:01 pm Reply

      I read your post and I’m somewhat relieved that I’m not the only one who feels the way you do when it comes to the bfs kids. I’m 26 and I terminated my pregnancy in April and have regretted it every day since. One of the deciding factors was that my boyfriend and I weren’t financially stable enough to have a baby. My bf already has a son (4 y/o) so he knows how difficult it is to support a kiddo especially when you’re still in school, not established financially, and no child care. I didn’t want to put that burden on him so we decided to terminate. His son is staying with us for the first time since the termination and I find myself not wanting to be around him. Obviously this makes me feel like a terrible human being and I had no idea why this was happening. Now, after reading your post, I just realized why I don’t want to be around his son. He’s the spitting image of my bf which means every time I look at him, all I can see is the future I gave up and the family I could have had. If I could do it over, I’d do everything different. Good luck to you girl. I can’t say it’ll get better but hopefully we will eventually be at peace with our choices.

  118. Liz Williams  June 16, 2019 at 10:21 pm Reply

    I’m 16 years old going on 17 in August I just had a termination a month ago I didn’t want it but my mom and grandma did . It hurt me so that of course the guy I was dealing with said he wanted an “out” which i guess means he wanted nothing to do with me after I told him I was pregnant of course it was unplanned and confusing because we were using condoms the whole time even though we aren’t in a relationship I really wanted to be in one though I really liked him and really wanted to be in a relationship with him not just sex but I was afraid that he didn’t want me nor a relationship and would’ve ended up rejecting me anyway. he jus graduated we went to the same high school and I’m about to be a senior but he’s 19. I hate the fact that my mom made me do it and left me with no choice it was worst of my life me throwing up everything I ate , being tired, breast swollen, and the fact that I was pregnant at my age anyway made it no better . They feel like I should have no right nor reason to be sad because of my age it’s like a “second chance at life” which I get what they mean but still that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt at the fact I was carrying a child, MY child inside me for 6 weeks and that I still love and have care for that child it’s so fucked up because even at the clinic she wouldn’t even let me listen to MY own child’s heartbeat on the ultrasound and then they expect me to happy about this now since it’s over like now it’s just a “back to normal again” like that doesn’t change it at all because now I have to deal with this for the rest of my life and carry this burden on me even if I do have a child and go through with it once I’m older. And because of my age I wanted to go with a more alternative route rather than termination to consider adoption if I know I am not financially nor mentally physically ready to care for a child but they didn’t want that and now of course he can go on with his life maybe get someone else pregnant and they can be a happy family and I just stuck over here all alone with the regret and grief and sadness anger confusion and pure heartache heartbroken over this traumatic experience that I am STILL dealing with even after the termination . IT DOESNT GO AWAY. And now I feel I won’t ever get over this In my life and now just have to still go through school and go through the motions of just “moving on” . And dealing with judgement of having a child at this age from my whole family , from other adults and people in general and the judgement of being a “hoe” and “having sex” period doesn’t make it any better and which also but extra stress and heartache on me as if now the termination that has happened is not enough. It’s not fair at all and I wish i would’ve stood up to them but because she’s my mom I felt that maybe I should listen because “mother knows best” especially with something as serious as having and taking care of a child for the rest of your life . I just feel broken inside and I can’t stop crying even though I try to fake it . I just don’t know what to do.

  119. Renee  June 7, 2019 at 11:29 pm Reply

    I’m thankful to find this website. I’m 41 years old and I had an abortion 22 years ago. The decision I made has tortured me throughout my life. It just made me so depressed and lacking confidence. I know I made the right decision but it was just such a heavy decision to make at that time in my life. I’m always looking for the worst things to happen. I haven’t been hopeful or optimistic since I was 19 before my abortion. I have major anxiety and making any kind of big decision just unnerves me. I guess I just have the fear of ruining the second half of my life. All I ever wanted was a loving family. Not in this lifetime I guess.

    • D Mitch  September 3, 2019 at 8:58 am Reply

      Renee, I am so very sorry. I know exactly how you feel. My situation is similar. I’m here if you ever want to talk. I could use it as well. Let me know and I’ll give you my email.

  120. Annet  June 7, 2019 at 5:18 pm Reply

    Oh no where to start..I had a 3months abortion on april 2018”’…I really regret doing this act…Sometimes I feel like Im a murderer….I was pressured by a friend I trusted mostly not knowing what could result later…regrets..I feel so guilty ..I pray always to God to forgive my actions…that pregnancy was my ist …my ist blessing ..

    I never shared with someone like really deeply how I feel..its so shameful ..Sometimes I look at babies and think of that angel I was carrying on my womb…
    I cry everytime I think of it…I hope one day I’ll overcome this…Its now 1yr 2months since I did it..

    If there are is someone there who thinks of aborting…please think 1000times….Dont abort that angel..

    May God bless you..

  121. Anonymous  June 2, 2019 at 3:27 pm Reply

    Hi guys I just had an abortion yesterday and I feel deep grief,regret,guilt and extreme isolation. I feel like my feelings of hurt and loss are being disregarded and my mom expects me to get over it and act as if nothing happened while I suffered the trauma of having seen the baby as it came out. No one prepared me for this and I feel so alone I can’t even pray for healing because I feel as if God had disconnected himself so much from me that I cannot feel his presence worst of all is that I’m going through all of this during my exams as I’m a second year law student. This has been the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make and I hope one day I get healing and become able to move on. I just want to say thank you for people like you who have gathered enough courage to console many others like me who have no one to talk to about the pain and hurt. God bless you all.

    • Daisy  June 10, 2019 at 4:01 pm Reply

      I am 22 years old , I had a medical abortion yesterday .i feel so sad , but I know I made the right decision . My support system sucked to be honest , one told me just to get it over it. (Iknow she didn’t mean it in a negative way ) . I felt regret after taking the pill . So I told the baby daddy , that I wanted to reverse it . (Take a revessal pill for the abortion pill ) he said that I should go on with the abortion and this is what’s best for us .and i don’t know . I just think the will never truly understand what I went through because I had already felt connect to the little bean. Sending love to anyone going through this ❤️

  122. Thena  May 24, 2019 at 8:16 am Reply

    My boyfriend and I are together for eight months. He’s a bit older than I am and fathered a beautiful daughter. However, she passed away early April, two weeks after I found out I was pregnant.
    At first, we decided to keep the baby and I was so excited. After his daughter’s funeral, he then told me he cannot have the baby anymore since he wouldn’t be emotionally attached. Nevertheless, I went to the clinic two days after all by myself, and got the procedure done. It has been four days since and I can’t stop crying. I feel so alone and heartbroken… I tried to speak to my boyfriend about my feelings but he will only push my feelings to the side and speak about his daughter.
    I feel like I have made a terrible mistake.

  123. Dana  May 22, 2019 at 1:07 pm Reply

    I had an abortion yesterday…. When I first started dating my boyfriend we agreed we were not ready for a child anytime soon. He doesn’t have any kids, I’m the single mom of a 6yo. I had said that if I got pregnant I’d have to have an abortion- just to show the seriousness of my intent NOT to have another child yet. I never intended to have an abortion ever. My 6yo had been my only pregnancy to that point. I was almost 24 when I had her. My boyfriend had said he didn’t think he could ever go through with an abortion…. Fast forward a few months. I found out I was pregnant. My breasts were sore, my period late. The home pregnancy test was negative but a blood test later confirmed pregnancy. We were shocked and in disbelief but it was our reality. And now the tables were turned. I did not want to abort my baby. I had hoped that my boyfriend would have my back on this. I’d hoped that he would say “if you decide to keep the baby I’m here with you and we’ll figure it out”. We’re adults. We’re not in a relationship for games. We’re grown with jobs and our own separate places. I didn’t expect him to move right in and marry me right away, but I didn’t want to give up our baby because the timing wasn’t ideal. I thought we loved each other enough to make it work…… But I guess not. He pushed for an abortion because he didn’t feel ready and he wanted to go back to school in the near future. I understood that, but I wanted to at least explore the option of keeping the baby. When someone gets pregnant, abortion isn’t the only option it should be considered last. But he did not want to hear it. Abortion was his only option. I felt shut down and dismissed. I was so angry, sad, felt so out of control of my own life. We argued, I said hurtful things. But I gave in. Because being a single mom to one child is so hard. How could I be a single mom of 2? When I had my daughter I knew that that relationship was over and I would be a single mom. I had a lot of support from friends and family. But who would support me now!? Who would feel sorry for me ending up in this situation a second time? I was too scared I felt so alone. If I didn’t have his support I had to let my baby go. So I had the abortion yesterday and he came. Probably just to make sure I went through with it, I don’t know. I’m sure he would’ve been happy to just sit in the waiting room, but I insisted he be present for every part of the process as possible. I wanted him to see and feel as much as possible. He’ll never feel what I felt/feel…. When they did the ultrasound prior to the abortion procedure we found out it was twins. I gave up my precious twin babies…. Last night he expressed more emotion than he ever had since finding out we were pregnant. And he expressed some amount of sadness or regret because even if he has children in the future he may never have twins…. Too late to think about that now… I don’t know how we could support each other now. I don’t know if this relationship could recover or how.

  124. Liz  May 15, 2019 at 1:51 pm Reply

    I had an abortion 12 years ago, and I think about what could have been all the time. I was in a two year long relationship with the man I thought I would spend my life with. When I found out I was pregnant, I was both scared and excited. I told my partner and his response brought me to my knees. He said “If you keep the baby, you will ruin three people’s lives.” He didnt talk to me for almost 3 days after that conversation. What was initially fear mixed with excitement….turned into panic and a feeling that I had just failed at everything. I thought that the two of us together could be a family and could raise this baby. That was not what he wanted, at all. Two years into our relationship and he said he would leave me because I would have ruined his life by making him become a parent. It that moment I felt so alone and cornered with the realization that I had nowhere to turn. We were both young, but had both graduated high school and were in college with full-time jobs, and living on our own. We often talked of marriage and the future. But that changed the day I found out I was pregnant. I had been on birth control for years and was in a committed and (so I thought) a loving relationship. I’ve found that I am more ashamed that I didnt have the strength to say I wouldn’t let him make this decision for me, but I felt abandoned, hopeless, and alone. I remember that day more clearly than I thought I would. I had to make the appointment, pay for it, and handle it all on my own. He did agree to go with me, after realizing I had to have someone drive me. I was told not to eat anything, but he wanted to stop for breakfast. He ate on the way to the appointment and then dropped me off. It was like he was taking me to a friend’s house. He never came inside. Two years, we were together and he acted as though we had just met. He got to go sit comfortably in a movie theater while I sat alone in a clinic, with the other women. Several of them cried while others sat and stared silently at the floor until their name was called. It is not a choice I would ever wish on anyone, ever. I am embarrassed that I wasn’t strong enough to tell him no or make him stay with me. I’m angry with myself for listening to a selfish coward that threw out our relationship because he wasn’t ready to grow up. I’m angry at myself for never telling a friend or my parents, I was so scared of being a burden and disappointing them. I didnt want my friends to know how quickly our relationship had crumbled. And it’s often easy for others to offer advice when they are not faced with the same circumstances. When you’re alone, hurt, scared, worried, etc….decisions are often made that you may not have otherwise known if you had support or felt at the very least that your partner was going through it too. I was angry at him for never having to actually deal with any of it. He never understood why I held on to it or why it broke my heart. Some people are so hateful when they talk about abortions. They act as though it was a walk in the park and that it was a huge relief for the woman. It’s not. There are years of pain and personal blame that follow, and it never seems to go away. My heart goes out to anyone who has ever been in this position.

  125. Heather  May 14, 2019 at 8:51 pm Reply

    I don’t regret what I did because I know it was the best decision I could have made at that time, but holy hell do I feel sad and stupid for even ending up in that position to begin with.. still, you can’t change what already happened. It’s hard moving on.

  126. Tim  May 9, 2019 at 10:41 pm Reply

    I’m a 57 year old male that is sitting here at 10:00 PM with a wife that needs to go cry herself to sleep without me there over this mess that happened to us 41 years ago today! Parents can be evil, heartless, cruel and selfish without even considering the damage they will bring on their child! Fear is a very powerful tool that parents can hold over a child’s head and we are suffering the aftermath of that all these years later. We were just kids! How could they do that! Other than a site like this nobody can understand what it has done to us.

    Yes she was forbidden to ever see or speak to me again back then but we persevered. After 39 years of marriage and two beautiful daughters later we have become the envy of so many couples that wish they were like us. My only satisfaction is that her selfish parents had no idea of what we would become!

    For the sake of your child, don’t make the decision for them, let them decide! They may think they are doing the right thing but they have no idea of the monster it will create with their child having to deal with this for the rest of their life!

  127. Katrina  May 6, 2019 at 6:29 pm Reply

    I had an abortion 3 days ago on May 3rd and I was almost 9 weeks. I’m 33 years old, married, and have an 8 year old son. My son is special needs and after trying for another baby and being unsuccessful (5 years) we decided that we would not have any more children because it was simply not meant to be, the age gap was now too large, and I also have fears of having another child that is special needs. We were as close to 100% as we could be for an abortion. We talked about it, cried about it, wrote a pro/con list, and thought about it for 3 weeks. When we were at the clinic I didn’t get a “sign” or a “gut feeling” that I shouldn’t be there. I felt numb. We were there waiting for 8 hours. When the time finally came and they took me into the room (alone) I had that one split second thought “maybe I should put my clothes on and just leave”. But I didn’t. I had already taken the antibiotic and figured it was probably harmful for the baby, and I knew that if I left that meant staying pregnant and I was pretty sure we didn’t want that. Well, I regret it. I am struggling and crying all the time feeling ashamed, that I am forever changed and that I will not be able to go back to normal. I keep replaying those final moments before the procedure wishing that I would have just dressed and left. I feel that I made a mistake and made the wrong decision and its killing me. I have even thought that maybe we shouldn’t try again and see what happens. I mean, for me to get pregnant after so many years, that must have meant that it was meant to be right? And I took that blessing and flushed it down the toilet. Now I look at my son and feel sad that he is my only child. I don’t know what to do. I just feel so much regret and I wish I could take it back and I just don’t know how to move forward.

    • IfICouldTurnBackTime  May 6, 2019 at 10:33 pm Reply

      Katrina, I’m sorry that you are struggling.
      I wanted to let you know that you are not alone. I am 38, married, with a 7 year old only child. After a near death experience with my first child, my husband and I decided not to try again. There were a few years where I was on the fence, but as time went by and my son got older, it seemed crazy to start over anyway. Then. I got pregnant by accident in 2018 at age 37. A total fluke so I thought it was meant to be. My immediate reaction, however, was fear, dread, regret. I worried for my life. Then I worried for my unborn child’s life with my age and all the potential complications with the child from the emergent procedure I underwent with baby #1. And I worried for my son and leaving him without a mother. The brain can convince you of anything, and my worry had me certain that the worst would happen. After much discussion, we scheduled abortion. Within the first few weeks, I felt sadness and regret. I couldn’ t shake the loss and regret so 4 months later, I consulted with a maternal fetal medicine specialist and decided to get pregnant on purpose. I became pregnant after 5 consecutive months of trying (Age 38). I was extremely sick, but so, so excited. It wa s the only time Inwas at peace. Then, at 10 weeks, I found out that they were mo di high risk twins. With my previous condition and the advice of my doctor, because they were twins, I couldnt take the risk. I had a second abortion and it was agonizing. It was so much harder than the first. I am coming up on my due date, and I grieve the loss of all of my babies. I fear that the regret and loss will haunt me
      for life. Also, my son didn’t know about the pregnancies but asks daily for a sibling daily. This makes me feel very guilty.
      My suggestion for you would be to talk to a counselor. The emotions within the first few days are very hard as your hormones take a nose dive. Unfortunately, 5 months later, for me, it hasn’t gotten much easier. I hope it gets easier for you and you can be at peace with your decision.

  128. Kay  April 29, 2019 at 1:16 pm Reply

    It has been 8 months for me and there is not a day that goes by that I do not with I could turn back and walk out of that clinic. To think that today my baby would’ve been a month old, that I will never get to look at his face, it just breaks my heart every time.
    Mine was an unplanned pregnancy, the father and I were very close and had a love for each other but had to many issues and neither did not want to be in a official relationship. When I found out I was pregnant, I was immensely happy for a second, thinking about this new future with my baby and everything that comes with it. Then I though about the father and my happiness faded away. I knew exactly what he would say and dreaded telling him. It took me two days to gather the courage to tell him and it went down exactly as I thought it would. He used my weaknesses against me, my issues with my own mother and cornered me into thinking so little of myself and my capabilities, this and the fact that I suffered from depression and was extremely hormonal lead me to feel so small that I ended up caving in to his wishes and my baby was gone a week later. I hated myself for being so weak for so long; the suicidal thoughts are just now starting to quiet down but the pain does not get any more bearable. I look forward to the day when I get to meet and hold my baby in the afterlife and hope he can forgive me.

    • Lisa  May 4, 2019 at 3:30 pm Reply

      Thank you for sharing your story.

      It’s been almost two months since having my abortion and I’m starting to regret it.
      My baby’s father is someone who also “loves” me but never wanted to be in a relationship with me.
      He wanted to build a family with me but lives in another country, I thought that was selfish of him and didn’t understand how he expected us to raise a family with him being so far away and me being alone.

      I’m unemployment meaning that my parents would have to take care of my child while I finish college, which I still felt would be unfair to my child.

      Not a day goes by without me thinking of my son.
      I’ve developed this a deep anger towards him & in a way towards myself for letting me get into this situation.

      The painful part is that I feel that I can’t talk to anyone about this, the two people that do know about my abortion don’t understand my pain & always make me feel like I should be over it. Basically they make me feel ashamed for being hurt.
      I lied and told him I had a miscarriage and that was basically the end of our “relationship”.
      So much for the “love”.

      I just hope and pray that one day I’ll be able to actually have children, with a man who wants to be with both of & that I’ll have the fiancial ability to take care of my children.

      Even though I sometimes feel like I made the right choice, I regret having anything to regret.

    • Lisa  May 4, 2019 at 3:33 pm Reply

      Don’t know if you got my first reply.
      But thanks for your story.

      And I’m sorry for your loss

  129. Betty  April 26, 2019 at 11:17 pm Reply

    It’s been six months since I had the abortion but I still am filled with rage, anger, guilt and sadness each day. My husband and I had been married for 6 years and have two beautiful girls. We had been together for 12 years, but he had a falling out with my family two years ago. He always had anger issues but I had supported him all along. One year ago, I felt that things were going better but we had unexpected pregnancy.. We were not thrilled but my husband thought that it will be a good to have a boy in our family. We also thought that we will put child for adoption if having a third child will pull us for financial hardship. Well at 10 weeks , I saw my perfect child but we also did some advanced tests to detect any genetic anamolies. We found out that we were having another girl. Husband changed his tune and wanted to abort the child.. we faucet for 8 weeks as that’s against my beliefs and religions but his anger, his lose stopped me from leaving him. He loves our girls and kept on hoping that he will change. We walked about if abortion clinic twice , and finally at 18 weeks he finally came around.. at 20 weeks scan I found at that I have an incompetent cervix. Doctor refused to give emergent cerclage and I was beginning to get dialited. I don’t know that If it was opportunity or something else.. he seemed extremely heartbroken for a week but then convinced everyone that abortion is the right thing. We aborted at 22 weeks in fear of preterm child with lifetime of disabilities.. I grief every day, every moment!! I am still so angry with my husband and only stay in relationship for my other two children.. I hate him and wish that he never has any boy in his family.. what a sexist like his damn dad!!
    I miss my child every day, every moment I imagine her fingers , I saved breast milk from my prior pregnancy for this child, bought diapers and my grief doesn’t let me dispose it anymore.. just living this life as I don’t know anything else!

  130. Karina  April 25, 2019 at 9:45 pm Reply

    I terminated yesterday. I’m 32 I have an 8 year old. I was in a relationship for 1.5 years. It turned sour he offered for me to leave my job so I can go back to school. Of course huge mistake. We were engaged and I loved him dearly but he did not love my son. He was going to be his step-father but they just didn’t get along time after time. My ex-fiancé and me began to have many problems, he was very obsessive and needy, he was emotionally and verbally abusive. I already felt stuck in the relationship even though I was not physically I was mentally!! When I finally decided to end his manipulative ways after the 15th time or so…. I turned out to be pregnant!!! After the 15th time of break up and make up I acquired a protective order because he tends to come back to my home say the whole “sorry” and bring you the moon and back story. After I found out I was pregnant not only was I shocked but I was a bit content I thought in my hopeful mind maybe tho could finally make changes in our relationship? Maybe this is it? When he found out to my surprise he was not how I thought he would be since he was always needy, talky, and overly affectionate. He was dry, reserved, just meh. It was interesting and his reaction hurt me dearly. For the millionth time we talked and in my mind we made up… we had intimacy, we talked and began to get excited. But the problems quickly arose… during the time we were apart he decided to speak to another woman!! Out of the whole relationship he was not in anyway like that( that I know of)) I could have forgave but the pain this relationship caused me was way more than I bargained for!!! My son was very unhappy with him but very happy about being a big brother!

    I thought I cannot do this again, the abuse, the lies, I cannot go through another pregnancy alone, I did that with my son and although my son was a blessing it was still very very hard. I had my mother’s support with my son. I lived with her, this time, I’m jobless, I have a new mortgage under my name, my son needs lots of attention and I have a legal matter against my ex fiancé.. I know things would clear up later, honestly I am just so pained that I cannot bare another pregnancy alone. I can’t tolerate dealing with the legalities of my ex, seeing him, asking why I was not enough, why he could not stop lying to me. I didn’t want linkage to him further more. I just wanted peace back in my home and to move in with my life. I do feel selfish and of-course grief at times because I do the “what if” and I wish he could have been supportive. I don’t know what feelings will come later but I do feel a sense of relief to move on with my life although he contested the protective order to be removed. I believe he did that because he knew I was pregnant. I just felt a sense of suffocation and control from his part. I still feel that but now with out a baby on the way from him not so much. It’s funny…)he’s a very great looking guy but even with his good genes and looks I know there is more underneath his charm , I always sensed a form of control and fear.

    In regards to my dear unborn child, I’m sad it happened this way and keep on asking for forgiveness. I read all these stories and it shocks me but we have to keep our heads up and keep searching for happiness and positivity!

  131. istanbul kürtaj fiyatları  April 15, 2019 at 3:15 am Reply

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  132. Lisa Marie  April 2, 2019 at 10:08 pm Reply

    I had an abortion 4 days ago. I’m in my 40s and just feel really stupid that I could end up pregnant at this age, with someone I’m not in love with and don’t even want a proper relationship with. I have physical and mental health issues, no family support, no friends where I am, no permanent home or income, the father has even less income than me…I don’t have the high energy levels required to raise a child (I’d be in my 60s when the child was 20) I felt sick as a dog all day, every day, and was desperate for the pregnancy to be over, after 3 weeks waiting for the process of getting an appointment. The abortion itself was horrible, I didn’t have the option of general anaesthetic so had to be awake throughout, didn’t get given painkillers until afterwards – even though the leaflet said they gave them beforehand…they didn’t….and it was painful! At first I just felt relieved but now that’s mixing with more complicated feelings of loss and grief, grief for the ‘normal’ life I’ll never have, being someone’s mummy like everyone else I know seems to be…Although I’ve always found the idea of pregnancy and birth revolting, and instead fantasised about adopting a 3 or 4yr old, rather than having a baby- this would be in an environment where I had a partner and a home. ..not alone with no money. I find looking after babies tedious as well as exhausting, and would ideally skip the baby stage altogether, hence liking the idea of adoption- also to not pass on my various health issues and ‘bad genes’
    I grew up poor and I’d never want to bring another person into a life that would be really tough, especially someone I’d be bringing into the world begrudgingly, just because it happened- not because I planned or wanted it- I was really scared I’d resent a baby and feel it had ruined my life, and it would force me to be connected to a man I don’t want to be connected to forever (he wanted it, despite having no means to provide for it, he’s more of a romantic than me, and doesn’t see much wrong with having a child when you’re really poor- whereas I do! ) I believe that to have a child you should really, really want it, 110% …and I didn’t- yet now it’s gone I have “what if” thoughts and doubts, along with relief that I’m coming back to normal and not feeling violently ill all the time anymore. It’s a very confusing mixture of emotions, my hormones are still all over the place. I’m isolated where I live and don’t feel I want to see the father at the moment, I didn’t let him come to the hospital with me, he did offer but I felt it would be less stressful going alone, he was my only friend here. so I’m dealing with it alone, by choice and by circumstance as I have no friends nearby. I simply cannot imagine looking after a baby 24/7 and living with the father…I tried to talk myself into it but it just didn’t work, I even went in baby shops, stared at babies in the street etc…but I felt no desire for a baby of my own…The idea of being stuck at home with one day, going to the playground etc, day after day filled me with a desire to run away. I prefer older children, I’m good with kids generally but like giving them back to their parents. It sounds awful, people think you don’t like kids at all if you say you don’t want one, that’s not the case…I worked with kids for years and have friends with kids- who I love. I guess some women just aren’t cut out to be mothers, it’s good to be able to think about and admit that as so many people who aren’t really cut out for it just go on and have them, because “it’s what you’re supposed to do” and society disapproves if you don’t have kids. I’ve been reading posts on a support group for parents who hate parenting, and it’s very sad- as once you’ve had a child there is no going back. I hear people say it’s different when it’s your own, but many of the parents I know don’t seem particularly happy, and the ones posting anonymously online are very unhappy….I have no idea whether or not I would have coped, and will never know now. I guess I’m grieving for the parallel life that will never be.

    • Lisa  April 16, 2019 at 10:44 am Reply

      Good Morning, your story is very touching similar to mine. I am 51 years old I had a abortion in January of 2007. Probably the worst decision that I have ever made. Since than i have been struggling with anxiety right up to 2015. Things are a little better since I have turned to prayers and my faith in God which has helped me heal over time. It has been a struggle but you have keep strong and keeping praying for spiritual healing. Having a abortion is very hard and effects us emotionally and physically. Because these memories will always be with us.. Stay strong all the best, God is not sleeping??☺.. Email me anytime talking is good therapy.☺? Lisa.

  133. Jewel  April 1, 2019 at 3:14 pm Reply

    I really appreciated this article – I am currently nearing the end of a very unplanned and unwanted pregnancy and just wanted to highlight I have felt such a huge range of emotions from loss, grief etc for the life I wanted with the two children I already have (and planned) we are dammed if we and dammed if we don’t as women!! I went in and out of abortion clinics so many times and it is such a complex decision I simply couldn’t make it. Unfortunately I am so detached from this pregnancy and am considering adoption so this was by no means the easy choice…… this is such a complex decision and no woman should blame herself for making this complicated choice as no option is easy…..

    • Lisa  April 16, 2019 at 10:49 am Reply

      Good Morning your story is very touching God will help you! You should try to keep this baby there is so much support out there that can help you..☺??

  134. KJ  March 25, 2019 at 1:00 pm Reply

    I had my abortion two weeks ago. I have two beautiful children through fertility treatments, had a surprise miscarriage in the Fall.
    In order to cope with that miscarriage, I started trying again. When I found out I was pregnant, my husband wasn’t thrilled. He wouldn’t speak to me. I was consumed with guilt over getting pregnant. My life, and my kids lives was going to be turned upside down. I had two rough pregnancies, and now I was going to go through a third with an unsupportive husband. I thought of every reason why I need to emotionally and physically be 100% in with my two children and how having a third would compromise their lives and my marriage. To have this baby for ME was selfish, as I felt I was not thinking of anyone but me and my wants. At the time, I thought I was making the right decision. Looking back, I hate myself for making it. I have so much regret and remorse. I have no one to talk to, I feel undeserving of grief. I wanted that baby, but it was not what was right for my family. I can’t stop the pain.

    • AM  April 2, 2019 at 10:01 am Reply

      Hi KJ. Thank you so much for sharing your experience. I feel like I could have written exactly what you wrote myself. I am in the exact same boat as you. 2 beautiful children, lots of fertility issues along the way, a surprise pregnancy with a husband who was not at all interested in having another child. I had to make the decision under such intense pressure. Now, 4 months later, I am beyond myself with grief. Is there any chance we could connect? I’m not sure how to use this forum to do so? I feel very isolated and think it would be so nice to have someone to talk to who has gone through the same experience as me.

      • S  January 29, 2020 at 3:26 pm

        I know it was a while ago, but I’ve just read your post and it is exactly what I am going through right now. I had an abortion yesterday at 7 weeks. It was baby #3 (the first two are 10 and 8 yrs old), completely unplanned and my husband was just not interested in all the changes another baby would bring. I desperately wanted that baby but decided to terminate to maintain the happy family and marriage I already had. It seemed so selfish to have this baby knowing that it could end up ruining our family. That wouldn’t be fair to our existing kids. It also wouldn’t be right to force my husband to have a child he didn’t want. But now I am so heartbroken and furious that he couldn’t get over himself and see what a beautiful thing another baby could have been. I just can’t imagine ever going back to the way we were before. Please let me know how this turned out for you and the other woman who posted, if you ever connected with her. Did it ever get better?

    • Poppy  April 2, 2019 at 11:32 pm Reply

      To KJ:
      Sending you so much love.
      I know what it feels like to go against your heart – even for the best of reasons.
      You did your best to make a good choice for all concerned. Not an easy situation.
      I hope you find the peace and love you deserve.

    • Lisa  April 16, 2019 at 10:54 am Reply

      Hi my name is Lisa, I had an abortion back in 2007 im now 51. I know the feeling talking is the best therapy.. ☺?? Hey if you need to talk send me email.. Prayer helps!! Take care and stay strong for your family! Especially your kids..??☺?

      • Charmaine  February 27, 2020 at 8:29 pm

        Hi lisa can you pls share your email address

    • Lisa  June 15, 2019 at 11:52 pm Reply

      I am in the same situation right now and your words resonate with me. Thank you for sharing.
      My greatest fear now is my indifference toward my husband. I can’t envision ever wanting intimacy with him in the future. How do you move forward in your marriage?

  135. Sahara Smith  March 23, 2019 at 8:56 pm Reply

    I am sharing my experience as someone who has suffered from clinical depression and anxiety. I am now in mid forties and I had an abortion when I was 29. I was doing my research degree and I had a brief relationship with someone. He dumped me 3 weeks later. I loved him but he didn’t love me. He met someone else. I thought I would just get back to my research and move on, But I realised something was wrong, and anyway after confirming that I was pregnant I felt awkward and wrong. So to make sense of things I contacted my ex and we discussed whether we could go through with it. Anyway I asked him for his support with raising the child if I decided to continue. He would say yes one day and no the next day. I must point out that he is a fairly wealthy artist, so for him child support (basic right in Europe) would not have been an issue. He said he would not support me with looking after the child or offer any financial support and that he would support my decision to abort as its my body. Basically it was not really a choice with me being on anti depressants long term and doing my work. So I had to decide whether I could cope with it on my own, and honestly I said I can’t risk it so I opted for an abortion. My ex came with me to the clinic, I wanted him to be there not to support me but to etch the experience in his mind so that someone doesn’t go through this. I never cared about his money or fame. He behaved callously and even retacted his offer to pay for 50% off the fees which we had agreed. That hurt me a lot later on, and I didn’t regret terminating it. It wasn’t about the money but about a lot of stuff, in a nutshell I would not have been able to rely on him at all. After the procedure he dropped me off and then I get a phone call with him sobbing and crying. That was the only time he said sorry and that he felt the loss. Strangely I was consoling him and I was relieved that it was over. That feeling didnt last long, after a week I was angry and depressed. After a fortnight I was in the hospital as I overdosed on my medication. I couldn’t get back into my work and I failed. I became more and more dependent on alcohol and anti depressants. I was then diagnosed with PTSD for a number of years I got treatment for that. My ex whenever he would bump into me always put me down. A few times he ridiculed me in front of his friends. It was like if someone was on the floor then just continue beating them into a pulp. Six months after the abortion I met my current partner and he supported me emotionally. He is amazing. I moved to a different uni and started again. Yes, it worked out but even now I feel hurt. We don’t have children but we are very happy. Most days I feel sad about how my ex treated me and the haze of emotions regarding the abortion.
    Abortion is so complex and individual it encompasses so many aspects and different forms of grief which differ tremendously. In the end, for me it signifies the death of a part of myself. Life changed so much for me after that. I am moving through life as humbly as I can. I am still in shock after so many years.

    • D Mitch  September 3, 2019 at 9:23 am Reply

      Sahara. I have a situation very similar to yours. I would love to talk. Let me know if your interested and I’ll give you my email.

  136. İstanbul Klinik  March 19, 2019 at 9:06 am Reply

    Kadın Hastalıkları ve Doğum Uzmanı Op.Dr. Aslı Alay, kadınların kürtaj kararı verirken, hekimleri tarafından ayrıntılı bilgilendirmeli gerektiğini söyledi.

  137. Lish  March 17, 2019 at 6:10 pm Reply

    Hey, I’ve just recently had an abortion just over 2 weeks now, I guess I still have all these current emotions eating at me everyday and I’m finding it hard to deal with. I’ve been on and off with my now ex for over 4 years, I’m now 24. We’ve had the discussion from the beginning about my views on abortions, I believe in everyone women deserve to have the choice but for someone like me I always wanted kids so I wouldn’t ever want to have an abortion. Me & my ex decided to move in July 2018 we had a massive argument in which he moved his stuff out of the house and left me to pay for every bill on my own. He then came back few months later me still paying all the bills alone, we had 2 major arguments one which got physical. I later found out in January I was 6 weeks pregnant and we didn’t really think much of it I mean we were both shocked. Naturally I said I wanted to keep it, I know we weren’t in the right place but I was ready to do all it takes. I then told my sister as I was sure of my decision, later that day he verbally attacked me, asked if it was his, said how would I afford it, and worse how he doesn’t want a baby it’s only right for me to abort it. If I were to keep it, it’s not a guarantee we would even be together suggesting he would leave me a single mom. I think looking back this was the pivotal moment to why I came to my decision because even though I made the appointment to go through with the pill abortion which he was there with me I decided I couldn’t and I wanted to keep the baby, in the clinic he got frustrated and said I was pretending and I must go back in there and do it, he then left me so I went to my moms and I finally decided to answer his phone call the next day where he basically threatened to come to my moms and how I must make another appointment because he doesn’t want a baby and I have no reason to keep his baby. I was so torn I had to go home because I didn’t want my family to see me so broken whilst pregnant and I was scared he’d come to my moms house and disrespect me. I think I told him one more time I was keeping it and I think him saying the same things over again made me realise maybe being so unhappy and going through this now is a sign of letting go of everything to do with him. I felt the type of woman I am and was to him I didn’t deserve and I didn’t want a baby to have a person like that. So I ended having a general anaesthetic abortion at 11 weeks & 4 days, he was there with me and promised to be there for me but he didn’t stay around for the first few days and decided to completely take all his stuff from the house after the first day when he came back around. I’ve literally never thought I’d go through pain like this. I get up everyday and tell myself I’ve been through the worst now it only gets better but I feel that resentment, anger and hurt I feel towards him means I’ve put dealing with my abortion on pause and I’ve built a guard up and I fear it might later be unhealthy. Sorry for writing so much.

  138. Anonymous  March 1, 2019 at 9:25 pm Reply

    (A Letter to Myself)

    It was the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. There were a lot of tears. And I’m sure there are more to come. Let’s rewind…

    November, 2016: Him

    I met my ex at a party. We hit it off and decided to keep each other around for a while. There were many fights. We were toxic for each other. We just couldn’t stay away. We always found some way to stay temporarily happy. But we didn’t know what the future had in store.

    February, 2017: Signs

    My period was late. But I was so on and off with my birth control that I thought it was just a part of getting my body back on track. I knew I gained weight but I assumed it was just from being in college. I went on spring break and did all the spring break things. When I got back and still didn’t get my period, I started to worry.

    March, 2017

    Right before my birthday I started to get the morning sickness. I knew by then. I just didn’t want to believe it. Eventually, I finally got the courage to go and buy pregnancy tests. It took me hours to get the courage to actually take the tests. But when I did, and when I saw the results, I fell into a deep unknown. I literally had no idea what to do. I felt embarrassed. I didn’t know if I should call my parents, my sister, my best friend, my boyfriend, my roommate. I felt helpless. I felt empty.
    I finally got the courage to call my mom. She consoled me and told me everything was going to be okay. At that point, I knew that was all I wanted to hear, but for some reason it still didn’t make me feel better. She told me I needed to get a blood test done and we would go from there. Two days later I did just that. When the doctor came in and told me I was seven weeks and five days, she acted so happy for me. She went on with when I should come in next as if she actually believed I had no other choice but to carry this baby to term. I stopped her and said I can’t do this, I was 19. Just six days shy of making it the “you beat teen pregnancy” stage of my life. She said “Oh, we don’t do that here” with such disappointment. People don’t understand the impact of their nonverbal messages. My mom and I left the doctor’s office and I sobbed.
    This whole I hadn’t told anyone; not my boyfriend, not my roommate, not my best friend, no one. I felt so vulnerable. I had to tip toe around this extremely deep issue that was now going to be something that changed my life forever. I shut them out. I stopped hanging around. I mostly sat in bed with headphones listening to the kind of songs that you just know that you’re going to bawl to. And I looked at the internet. Twitter, Instagram, Facebook. The big three. It only made me see how hard I was trying to ignore this thing that was happening to me.

    April 20, 2017

    The day I got an abortion. We pulled into the parking lot of Planned Parenthood and there were protesters. People love to have opinions when it has nothing to do with them. It was agonizing to sit in the waiting room with all these other people. You can feel that everyone is wondering why you are there. I decided to turn my phone off so I could avoid getting text messages and looking on social media. I sat waiting for five hours. Then I was finally called back. I chose to get an IV with some medicine to put me asleep while they did the procedure. After they started to run the medicine, I don’t remember much of what happened. I just remember waking up and crying. They took me to a room with chairs and heating pads. They gave me a snack and some ginger ale. All the employees were so nice and supportive. When I finally got to leave to go home, I didn’t feel any type of way yet. I reassured myself that I did this for myself and I deserve that right.

    After Getting Home

    I turned my phone back on and I was scrolling through Twitter. I don’t know if this was just a coincidence or the government is listening to us or what. But I stated to see a good amount of tweets about abortion. Pro-lifer tweets. People saying “Abortion is murder” and “you’re taking an innocent life!” I really started to believe it. I cried, but for different reasons. People were judging me and now I have to deal with an irreversible act for the rest of my life. I started to believe that I was a terrible person. That I shouldn’t even be given another chance to have a child because I so willingly let go of this one. This is when I started to journal. I wrote all of my feelings on pages and I started to talk to this embryo that didn’t make it out. Apologizing for what I had done. Wishing I could go back. Wondering what life would be like if I hadn’t made that decision. I kept doing it to myself. It was almost like I looked for these pro-life tweets in order to feel some type of way. It affected who I was as a person. The pressure of feeling judged for a decision you made for yourself. I already felt bad enough and then people come in and try to put in their two cents. It just makes it worse. My grief of abortion came from what others were saying about me and about women who go through with this procedure.


    It took me a while, but I finally realized that you don’t need anyone else’s approval to make a decision for yourself. There should be no argument when the question of abortion comes up. The answer should be; you are allowed to do what you want with your body and what you see fit. It took me writing this entire entry to finally come to terms with my decision. And now that I have, I feel strongly about that decision. I wouldn’t change a thing. And if they don’t like it, screw ‘em. You’re better off without them.

  139. Anonymous  February 13, 2019 at 11:06 am Reply

    I just don’t understand why most of these comments are expressing nothing but deep regret and guilt stating that they would take it back if they could.. I almost feel as though some of the comments could have been written falsely by pro life people to scare others of the decision of abortion.. forgive my if I’m wrong but that’s what it sounds like. I too had an abortion and feel sadness at times but I was positive of my decision at the time and know it was the right decision for me during that time. Abortion and pregnancy are big choices and you have to know that the choice you are making is the right one for you. I will always think about what could have been but I also understand being a parent and raising a child is not at all easy and it is not always the right time for someone to take on that responsibility and make that tremendous life change. I also remind myself that life does not start at conception- a faith based belief. “From a scientific perspective, life doesn’t begin at any one point, it is a continuum. For HHS to define it as beginning at conception is a transparent attempt to justify restrictions on certain contraceptives as well as abortion”

    • Jessica  July 6, 2020 at 10:33 am Reply

      As much as I struggle, I have to agree with you on this. I had an abortion around 3 years ago and the guilt and shame creep on me every so often. I have to go through a process and I think that what I really need is to move on with my life and put it to rest. I had my termination the day I was first able to, six weeks I believe. I was a single mom with a 2 year old already and was getting no support from anyone, only criticism. I grew up very poor to a single mom with three kids and I swore I would never do that to my children. I feel like I made the best decision for myself and my current child. So yes, I feel guilt and shame bc others made me feel that way, but I want to find a way to come to terms with it and not feel terribel anymore. Life is too short.

  140. Margaret muthoni  February 11, 2019 at 2:13 am Reply

    I was forced to an abortion 2 years ago by my boyfriend. In confused feelings..sometimes,tears ,guilt,at times i feel i dont need to forgive him either,sometimes i need to..totally confused when he tells me he is xorry ,…thankyou for coming across people and stories that tries to understand my situation…

  141. Cj  February 7, 2019 at 11:45 am Reply

    Nearly 2 years on from finding out about the pregnancy and going through what I did. I never stop thinking what could have been. I thought I’d learn to cope and be able to come to terms with what I did but I hate myself for it more and more every day. It hurts a lot, just very glad I have a very supportive family by my side.

  142. Anonymous  January 13, 2019 at 5:26 pm Reply

    All I know is my heart hurts like hell and the tears keep falling at different times….I’m so sorry for what I did. I wish I can go back and fix it.

    • Km  February 8, 2019 at 2:54 am Reply

      I stumbled across this article and these replies. My tears also won’t stop. I am full of regret and sadness. Grieving so badly for something I did that I can’t undo. It’s been 3 days since my termination and my eyes hurt from the tears. Yes it was a choice but now that it’s not there I want it back and it hurts so badly. I hope you find acceptance like I wish to some day. X

  143. Rebecca  January 13, 2019 at 4:27 pm Reply

    I had a medical termination 7 years ago, I ended up haemorrhaging a week later and within arriving at accident and emergency I was rushed to theatre within 15 minutes. I felt it was a punishment and I deserved it.
    This article is spot on with all the emotions that I go through from time to time. Every time the world sends out a “wave of light” I feel I’m not able to join it, I’m not allowed to grieve. I still regret it.

    • Kirsty  September 30, 2019 at 1:37 pm Reply

      Hi Rebecca,

      This also happened to me. Would you like to talk?
      I have not met /heard of anyone who also haemorrhaged after medical abortion.

      It has been a really traumatic time for me. It is coming up two years this October.

      If you would like to talk it would be great to hear from you.

      Warmest regards,

  144. John  January 9, 2019 at 1:39 am Reply

    This is very common to have grief after abortion.But there are situations wherein abortion will be the only alternative.So we can’t help it.In such situations I would like to suggest to go for abortion counselling which will be a great relief for women.A Woman’s Haven is one of the best abortion clinics in San Antonio.

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  146. Shay  December 21, 2018 at 1:17 am Reply

    The anniversary of my termination is coming up and I searched for ways to memorialize it and stumbled upon this article. I wondered what I would find. Was it even appropriate to have a memorial? Have other women done this? This article helped me put a name to the pain and regret Ive been feeling. “Grief.” I had never considered its what I had been feeling. I assumed I wasn’t allowed to feel grief or sadness over the choice that I made. I am still sad.
    Days before my procedure I wrote a letter to my baby apologizing for not being the woman she needed me to be. For not being ready, for being less than she deserved. I pray for her understanding and forgiveness & promised her I would do everything in my power to become that woman. I am considering plating something in her honor.
    After the termination I tucked the sonogram away in my room and have only revisited it once this past year.
    Only a select few people in my life know about it. I have yet to express these feelings to my boyfriend or even know how he feels about it. We were estranged at the time but he went with me to the clinic.
    My sister was pregnant at the time. Sometimes I look at ny niece & am reminded that the two if them would’ve grown up together. My sister doesn’t know this. I imagine I’ll tell her someday.

    • Connie  December 23, 2018 at 2:10 am Reply

      The Hope Life Center in our area had a post abortion healing program with a great Bible study geared toward healing and forgiving oneself. They also put up a memorial so we have somewhere to visit our baby. There might be a similar place where you live,check out abortion alternative centers for help, Shay, you are in my prayers.

    • Anna K  December 27, 2018 at 11:09 pm Reply

      Hi Shay,
      I’ve been grieving the loss of my unborn for about four months, now. I have been intentional about pictures, quotes, giving myself space to feel all of the things that come with the loss. It hasn’t been easy but websites and long reply forums like this really help.

      I like the idea of the memorial. I’ve been learning how to make space for grief instead of hiding from it or completely enveloping my life with it. Its a fine balance that I’m still learning. I would suggest you remember on that special day, share it with a trusted friend, or call the hotline thats available on this site just to pay a little bit more attention to your process and your loss. I was really fortunate and was given sage and sweetgrass to burn the day of the abortion. I still burn it to this day to show myself and my loss that I remember. I realize that that this is unusual but I also had a very small ceremony of sorts with the women in my life that I leaned on during the days leading up to the abortion. My partner left and my family was halfway across the country and I needed my friends. We burned the sage and sweetgrass and reflected on our individual lives and experiences as women before I threw a gift from my partner as far as I could into the field (hahaha). It was a special way to spend the evening.

      I hope that this shows you that support is out there for you. I know how it feels to look at your niece and feel triggered or that ache. I feel it. I get it. I ordered the book mentioned above as I’m still having big waves of emotions come over me. I’m hoping that it helps.

      We’re all here and I’m so grateful for this website thats available to all of us.

  147. Michele Fox  December 15, 2018 at 12:38 am Reply

    I had the pill abortion last week (dec. 7,18) at 6 weeks. I knew I was pregnant for 11 days. My partner was emotionally & verbally abusive throughout our short relationship (2.5 months). He was way more mean & angry when I told him I was pregnant the same day I found out. He broke up with me 2x within the 11 days, and was silent to our first ultrasound (to determine if it was ectopic due to my side pain — turned out to be a ruptured ovarian cyst). He was yelling at me in person, over the phone and in angry text to get an abortion saying he will never be there for me, and he’s leaving me. Honestly, I’m 32, I have a good career starting and if he wasn’t such a jerk, that scares me, I would have kept the baby. He makes my life hell and I just wanted to escape him. I feel sad to have lost the baby to get my freedom from him. I felt conflicted for 11 days & nights, despite having my mom & friends support with whatever I decided. I saw no other way. Plus he views women as inferior, and his mom shares that value. I thought I can’t have his twisted values imposed on my child. I didn’t want my pregnancy to get too far where I couldn’t take the pills. I refuse to do the mechanical abortion – the idea scares me & gives me anxiety. The pills have caused severe AGONY for a week & going. I’m taking pain meds around the clock, whenever I cut a pill in half I get waves of sharp pain. When my pain is low I feel exhausted and sleepy. I hope the pain goes away. The bleeding is light so it should almost be done. Anyway, I feel sad. It’s a huge loss. A part of me died last week. A piece of my heart & soul died. I can only hope I’ll get a second chance in life to be a mom. This was my first pregnancy. I felt like time was of the essence and his aggressive behaviour was just eating me up. My advice to anyone in my situation is maybe tell the guy you’re getting the abortion so he leaves you alone and then you can think in peace without being harassed. I felt rushed by him and by the clock. Also he’s not Canadian/American so I had the stress of what if he tried to take the baby to his country because he’s a bully like that and he misses his country so much. I felt stuck. Anyways. The pill is good for 63 days and less. But I thought the sooner the more successful. The doc didnt tell me how agonizing the contractions would feel. I hope to pull through emotionally and physically.

    • Connie  December 23, 2018 at 1:59 am Reply

      Please go to a doctor to make sure your ok. Then give yourself time to grieve for your baby. I had an abortion about 40 years ago. Thanks to Jesus I’m mostly healing from what I did to my baby and myself. It’s a process Michele. You are in my prayers.

  148. John  December 13, 2018 at 8:52 am Reply

    I had an abortion last month and I was totally lost with guilt and shame.It is A Woman’s Haven which is one of the best abortion clinics in San Antonio who has helped me to overcome the situation.

  149. Lucy Cuneo  December 8, 2018 at 3:57 pm Reply

    my heart goes out to all who are grieving, it is a painful, long process.

    Rachel’s Vineyard is an organization that is fully dedicated to serving both women and men who have had abortion in their lives. I hope people who are grieving will reach out to this place through their free hotline 877- HOPE 4 ME (tel:877-467-3463).

    From their website: “Rachel’s Vineyard is a safe place to renew, rebuild and redeem hearts broken by abortion. Weekend retreats offer you a supportive, confidential and non-judgmental environment where women and men can express, release and reconcile painful post-abortive emotions to begin the process of restoration, renewal and healing.”

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  151. Sarah  December 2, 2018 at 5:44 am Reply

    Just wanted to point out that the 1 in 3 statistic has been debunked by the Washington Post. Their fact checker gave the claim their most negative rating, four Pinocchios.

    • Eleanor Haley  December 3, 2018 at 11:10 am Reply

      Hey! Thanks for sharing – I just read the Washington Post article with the updated data and have updated the information. It was one in three women between 18-45 was accurate in 2008, according to the Washington Post. Their concern was that people were still using that data because there was no new data. The most recent data is now one in four, as abortions have gone as access to birth control has gone up, and that is what the post says is accurate now.

  152. Kimberly  November 22, 2018 at 8:09 am Reply

    I had an abortion yesterday and deeply regret it, I have been crying in and off since I left the clinic. I did it because I am a single mother with four kids and the father of this pregnancy left me and even handed me the money for the abortion because he didn’t want it. I felt afraid of the responsibility and thought it would burden me, i now think I was completely wrong. I feel terrible for throwing my babies life away and just want it back, the loss is unbearable!

    • Km  February 8, 2019 at 4:19 am Reply

      I had a termination 3 days ago. On the day I was numb. Blank like. And felt not much. The very next day completely different story. 3 days on I have not stopped crying. I regret it deeply. I wish I never dud it. I want my baby back but its not possible. And that part I can’t deal with. Can’t undo what I did. I am taken over by sadness. Sometimes uncontrollable. I left all my values and morals aside that day. And I wish I was strong enough to not do it. Not be influenced and have my baby. I’m a 35 year old mother already. I feel like I’ve lost part of me.
      I hope that since your post. you have been able
      to not feel as bad.?
      Right now I feel like it’s impossible to move on.

  153. Kennedy  November 13, 2018 at 3:17 am Reply

    I had my abortion last year December and I’ve suffered from all kinds of grief. At first I thought I was losing my mind, but reading this article and reading some of your stories I realize that it’s normal. I’m dreading December because my best friend passed away and I had an abortion all in one week. I found out I was pregnant on my birthday and the first feeling I felt was fear because it was my first time being pregnant. I’ve always told myself the day I get pregnant, I’ll just woman up and handle my responsibilities. Imagine my surprise when my boyfriend at the time who had been trying to get me pregnant for years says now isn’t the time. As much as I didn’t want to have the abortion, I didn’t want to force a child on him although I feel he knew as well as I did the consequences of having sex unprotected. So I forced myself to get the abortion. Me and the guy are no longer together, I sort of have some resentment against him because of the abortion. As for myself some days the guilt is overwhelming. I lost two people in one week and I didn’t know where to turn. I felt depressed for so long and now I’m to the point of feeling numb. I don’t know how or what steps to take to forgive myself. But talking about it or writing about it I feel is a step. I just wish I could tell my unborn how truly apologetic I am & I hope we can meet again some day so I can right my wrongs.. although I know it’ll never happen.

  154. Clem  November 2, 2018 at 10:59 am Reply

    I’m glad I came across this website today, I had a termination in 1995, and didn’t tell my family or friends, mainly because of shame. It was the anniversary yesterday and I couldn’t share it with anyone as no-one knows. I had tried for many years to get pregnant, had a miscarriage and didn’t get pregnant again. My husband left me to get married again as having children was important to him and his family and he went on to have two children. I assumed I was infertile so I didn’t use contraception in my next rebound relationship and found myself pregnant. I didn’t want a child with my current partner and so I arranged a termination. I had to give the name of a work colleague to the hospital as I was having a general anaesthetic. Afterwards I went home alone, went back to work the next day and haven’t mentioned it since. I haven’t grieved or given myself time to think properly how I feel about it. I am now 58 with no children although I always wanted a family. I have had periods of depression since then, and I wonder if it may be partly due to the termination and not working out my feelings about it. So thank you for this site, I have been reading some of the blog articles and I’ll take my time working through my grief. I’m grateful for having somewhere where I can share my story.

  155. sarah a denney  October 20, 2018 at 10:39 am Reply

    I found out I was pregnant with my second child. I had already had one prior abortion. I felt pressured by both men to terminate. I wanted both children, the first time I wasn’t ready. But I still feel regret and everything still.

    With my second VPT… It was three months into my current relationship. We’ve been together for a year and a half now. But when we found out I was pregnant he wasn’t ready and he’s 4 years younger than me. Not only did I feel pressured by him but also his family.

    He and I both still cry alot about what happened. We both feel guilty and regretful. I miss our baby and burst out into sudden tears last night. I’m so depressed.

    I miss my baby. And I’m not sure my fiance and I have a future partly because I resent him.

    I resent him because after the abortion he and I talked about it… He had changed his mind. He wanted the baby too but it was too late.

    After my abortion… It was Christmas. A family friend found out she was pregnant and my sister was pregnant with her third child. That hurt more than anything. We never talked about my abortion… His family has basically forgotten about it. They weren’t supportive at all.

    It’s been a year and a half and I’m still severely depressed, I feel guilty and regret sadness. And I’m angry at my fiance. I resent him even though I know he also mourns our daughter. We wanted to call her Emma. I’m so sorry Emma.

    Mommy and Daddy miss you so much. I’m sorry I cry so much. Your daddy tells me to be strong that you don’t want to see me cry or feel hurt or regret anymore. But I’m still mourning you Emma. I’ll never forget you or how happy I was when I found out about you… Mommy loves you Emma.

    • Amanda  November 7, 2018 at 9:17 am Reply

      I am sorry to hear of your pain. I have also experienced this pain and I lead recovery groups now through my local pregnancy center. I’d be happy to talk with you more and help connect you to a local center to find support from others. It truly is important to seek out care so you can recover fully!

      • So Unsure  November 19, 2019 at 4:12 am

        What would you tell a woman who is thinking about terminating a pregnancy? She’s 39, limited income, & the father is married?