Everyday Love: The Death Anniversary Several Years Later
/ Coping with Grief : Eleanor Haley
For most newlyweds, the first wedding anniversary is a day of happiness and joy. Hopefully, their first year together has been happy—save for the occasional bump in the road—and the anniversary becomes an opportunity to celebrate a successful year of marriage while reaffirming their enduring love and commitment.
There will probably be reservations, champagne, a slice of half-defrosted wedding cake, a fancy outfit, and maybe even a touch of romance (wink, wink). If the couple follows tradition, they’ll exchange a gift of paper; if they eschew custom, perhaps something more substantial. Either way, they will have agonized over it in search of the perfect token to express the well of passion and adoration their spouse can look forward to until death do they part.
One, two, and then five years pass, and life puts our carefree couple to the test. Love still remains, but it no longer looks like a night on the town, spontaneous romance, shout-it-from-the-rooftops kind of love. Instead, love in year eight looks like a three-in-the-bed, sweatpants-on-Saturdays, schedule-shuffling, money-saving, forgiveness, compromise, and comfort kind of love.
On their eighth anniversary, they make plans but struggle to find a babysitter. They wear something nice—whatever still fits—and before leaving the house, they kiss each of their sticky-faced children goodbye. Over dinner they laugh at the busy chaos of their life together and reminisce about the lighthearted days of the past. For a moment, they wonder if it’s bad that their love now radiates with less enthusiasm and emotion, but find comfort in their shared family love.
Grief Evolves Like a Love Story.
You know, it occurs to me that grief evolves a little like a love story, though its emotions live on the opposite end of the spectrum. When you fall in love, you become consumed by intense feelings—just as you do in grief. The difference is that in grief, those feelings are far from lovely, and take the form of sadness, anger, despair, and loneliness.
Just like new love, the one-year mark—often called the "deathiversary"—feels like a significant milestone. But you know that on the first anniversary of your loved one’s death, everything will seem to stop, forcing you to reflect on the past year. You remember the day your loved one died; you think back on the year you’ve spent with grief; and you may even wonder why the feelings feel so raw all over again.
One year with grief passes, then two, then five, and still life requires you to keep moving forward. Your grief remains, but the grace of time and the warmth of love slowly soften the fury of emotion. You grow stronger, wiser, and as the heat of intense grief subsides, you find you’ve forged a deeper connection with the memory of the person who died.
So, on the 8th anniversary of your loved one's death (or the 4th, 6th, or 10th), don’t feel guilty for being sad, but okay. You’ll probably feel sorrow, but don't feel bad if it's not with the intensity that you felt in the first year or so.
Rest assured it's your pain that has been tempered, not your love. On the contrary, your love has humbly and gracefully evolved into an everyday kind of love. A love that is comforting in times of sorrow, that brings you strength when you’re afraid, and a fond smile at the thought of your loved one's face.
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After writing online articles for What’s Your Grief
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What’s Your Grief? Lists to Help you Through Any Loss is for people experiencing any type of loss. This book discusses some of the most common grief experiences and breaks down psychological concepts to help you understand your thoughts and emotions. It also shares useful coping tools, and helps the reader reflect on their unique relationship with grief and loss.
You can find What’s Your Grief? Lists to Help you Through Any Loss wherever you buy books:
D February 25, 2023 at 9:06 am
Today is the 3rd anniversary of Joshua’s leaving. Today I remember pain. I pay attention to sadness, grief, loss, tears and heartache that never go away.
Mandy August 11, 2017 at 8:00 pm
My dad has been gone 10 years ago today. I still feel cheated and he passed away when I was 26 and he was only 50. He was my birthday twin and every birthday without him feels like a loss instead of a happy time. The hurt isn’t as profound as it was 10 years ago, but still cuts deep when I take a moment to pause. I wish so much that he could be here to see his grandkids having fun and being successful at sports (he loved that when I was a kid but still embraced everything about me when I turned out to be more artsy than athletic). Grief sucks but at the same time the tears and sadness just reaffirm how very much he meant to me.
Vicki August 21, 2016 at 6:51 pm
I don’t even like calling it ‘anniversary.’ I call it a tragi-versary although I didn’t coin the phrase. But we watched while his death unfolded on live television. I couldn’t stand thinking of it as an anniversary so when I heard the word tragi-versary I started using it.
I have a friend whose husband died on Flight 93 and she got really distressed when media members asked how she was going to celebrate the first anniversary of his death. She said “every day’s an anniversary” and no longer wanted to talk to them about it.
I think the word celebrate is what upset her so much. You don’t celebrate the death of someone by a terrorist act that was so violent the only thing she ever received of his remains was a piece of his watch. I didn’t receive anything at all of Eric’s remains; 1,770 families have no remains at all. I can’t stand calling any of the succeeding years an anniversary, it will always be a tragi-versary to me.
Wendy Duval May 17, 2016 at 11:10 am
I lost my 21 year old son. On his first anniversary we held a big outdoor party with all his friends & family. We had loads of food, ,slip & slide, volleyball net etc. Started in the afternoon & finished the next am. Everyone camped over. We had music he’d love & we all sang to. Big bonfire & had lanterns to send up to him but it rained so we couldnt. We even had special T shirts made up for him & the event. My family & I wouldn’t of wanted to be anywhere else that day than with his friends. Getting ready for his 2nd Anniversary and are planning it again. Hoping no rain so we can send the lanterns up to you my Littlebear. Xxx
Jan Brock January 2, 2016 at 7:24 am
I just went through the 3rd anniversary of my husband’s death. He died on December 21st, 2012. We would have celebrated our 41st anniversary on December 24, 2012. This makes all the holidays so hard to get through. I have made it one more time. Now to get through 2016 without him. To say I miss him can in no way explain the loss I feel. This loss has left me forever changed and there is a big, gaping hole in my life. It is so true what you said about reliving the days before, during and after the anniversary. Thank you for saying that. I started keeping a journal shortly after he died and in a lot of ways it does help to get those feelings out. My heart goes out to all the others who have experienced a loss of a loved one. I have found that life does go on even with a broken heart.
Litsa January 2, 2016 at 10:55 pm
Oh Jan, that is so hard when so many important days are all stacked together. Wishing you strength getting through 2016 and I hope you find some support on our site!
Jan January 3, 2016 at 5:48 am
Thanks. My daughter sent me this link and I am hoping by reading of others who have had similar things happen in their lives to find some hope for the future. The days are long and lonely and the grief is almost unbearable at times like the holidays. My husband went into the hospital the day after Thanksgiving 2012 and died a month later. I hear that time helps but somehow this anniversary seemed worse.
Patty Baggett December 31, 2015 at 4:25 pm
The saying (time heals all wounds) rings true for me but i mss my son as much today as day i lost my precious Titus fay, just more bearable..
Litsa January 2, 2016 at 11:06 pm
Yes, that is a good way to describe it. I have always related to the idea that it doesn’t necessarily get ‘easier’ so much as it gets different. It is still painful, the yearning is still there, but it is different because I have learned live with it and that makes it feel bearable.
Carol October 12, 2015 at 9:20 am
Yes, this is so true. Today is seven years that my precious son, Geoffrey, died. I so appreciate this post today.
Eleanor October 14, 2015 at 10:20 am
Carol,
I’m so glad it was helpful. My heart goes out to you during this tough time of year.
Eleanor
jane evans October 10, 2015 at 4:02 pm
what a lovely thought “the grace of time” so true , time does really really help,
Nancy Gordon October 27, 2014 at 1:10 pm
My daughter died 7 years ago on 10/24/07. I’ve found creative expression a good way to process grief and remember. I made a collage titled “cherished memories” of photos of her, and her and me and her sister, and her and her husband and posted it on my facebook page in her memory. She is still deeply missed–but life is also rich and blessed.
Jane August 24, 2016 at 6:50 pm
Thank you – so need to hear that… 3 years 8 months since my daughter Bethany’s death and lately I have sunk into a pit of tears that lasted 10 days. My ex just died 3 months ago, (he became my roommate and fellow griever when she died) my mom 1 year ago and this seemed to open up my grief for my daughter anew. Brought times…
Kristi October 23, 2014 at 10:56 pm
November 3rd it will be 9 years and I still miss Marc so much! I can’t wait to go and join him!
cathy October 23, 2014 at 8:40 pm
4 years just passed since the death of my precious 20 year old son. I have to tell you your article was so true. It was absolutely beautifully written. This was the first year, I did not wail with tears. If anyone had told me that a few years ago, i would never have believed them. Time does soften the intensity of ones grief. You cannot go on everyday with such sorrow as originally experienced. You must try to live and find joy in life. A wise man said to me a few months after my son died, :You put him on a shelf in your mind, and there will be days he comes off the shelf and will make your eyes fill with tears, but there are days that you just know he is in your mind and heart and you will remember him with love and sweetness.”
Eleanor November 7, 2014 at 2:17 pm
Cathy,
Thank you for your comment. I’m sorry about the death of your son. That is a beautiful analogy. Thank you for sharing it I will certainly remember it.
Eleanor
Claudia February 26, 2020 at 2:32 pm
Dear Cathy
Four years today my husband suddenly died . Thank you so very, very much for your quote. Today I find tears falling down though I’m doing something else but your quote and the picture it evokes are quieting and soothing and I’ll go on with my day.
Claudia
Robert Toth September 24, 2021 at 5:24 pm
I just came across your comment now.
I’m a new member. Very sorry for your loss! What got my attention was your name, Claudia!! My wife passed away on June 26, 2019. Her name was…Claudia!!!!
Owen R Cormier October 23, 2014 at 7:34 pm
Lost my wife of over 50 years together on feb. 2 2014
Trudie Sandberg October 23, 2014 at 5:58 pm
Today is 2 years since my Alan left for heaven. This week was as hard as last year’s anniversary. Spent time with him at the cemetery. Guess October will always be hard. I miss him so much…he always said i would miss him when he was gone ( a private joke between us). I do…he was always right.
Dawn Davis October 23, 2014 at 5:00 pm
On November 17th it will be two years since my daughter died. I found your article beautiful, reassuring, tender and very wise. Like Linda I do believe we will see one another again and until then I feel my daughter’s essence all around me. A beautiful maine coon cat was sitting, just an hour ago, in the garden I planted for my daughter and where I buried her ashes. This gorgeous cat came as a gift, I feel it in my heart. It is not the same as hearing her voice or seeing her face but it is something still, and it touched my heart.
Eleanor November 7, 2014 at 2:15 pm
Hey Dawn,
Thank you for your comment. I really hope we are eventually reunited with family and friends. That is beautiful, the visit from the cat. Thanks for reading.
Eleanor
Linda Rubano October 23, 2014 at 4:38 pm
November 2nd is two years since he died. I will never recover from my loss and can only hope that we’ll be reunited in Heaven.