8 Reasons Your Grief Feels Worse Right Now
Understanding Grief : Eleanor Haley/
Over the last couple of weeks, we have been flooded with emails, comments, and DMs from people sharing that in this current crisis their grief feels worse. The list of reasons is long and the list of accompanying questions is even longer. So, above all else, let’s start with the one thing we can assure you: if your grief feels worse right now, you are not alone! There are a lot of reasons it is totally normal that a crisis can make grief feel worse.
1. Your bandwidth was already low. Grief can take everything you have, especially in the earliest days. When a crisis hits and you are already depleted, all of a sudden everything becomes more challenging. Things you could have managed before your loss feel insurmountable now. Aspects of your grief that you were managing before the stress or crisis suddenly seem seven times as tricky to manage.
2. The person who died was your ROCK. You might be grieving a person who took care of you. Maybe it is the person who handled practicalities and logistics. Perhaps who checked in on you to make sure you were okay. It could have been the person who made you feel safe. If this is your situation, you’re likely feeling even more acutely aware of their absence than ever. With that, your anxiety might be spiking.
3. You’re feeling especially alone. Grief is almost always an insolating experience. Layer on that quarantine and your feelings of loneliness might be skyrocketing. If you are living alone after your loss, no longer having contact with people by getting out of the house can start to feel like a crushing weight (especially for those extroverts out there).
4. You’re acutely aware that you’re living through this thing your loved one probably never could have imagined. Hmmm . . . that’s clearly a weird one to sum up. But if you get it, you get it. This is a scary and surreal time. Most of us have not lived through anything like this. And there is just this weird thing in grief that happens at moments like this when you realize the world feels fundamentally changed and it is a world your loved one never lived in. It makes us strangely more aware of the passage of time and that the world keeps turning.
5. You’re not thinking about your loved one because of the current crisis. In our emails and comments, we have seen a couple of themes. One is “I am thinking about my loved one all the time”. We’ll get to that. The other is “I am so overwhelmed by the current crisis that I am barely thinking of my loved one or my grief”. The latter seems to be bringing up a lot of guilt for some people.
We won’t tell you not to feel guilty, because that’s not how guilt works. We will tell you that it is totally normal if your brain doesn’t seem to be making space for your grief. Our brains can only handle so much and sometimes, in a self-protective way, they start triaging. They compartmentalize things for us, so we can focus on a pressing matter at hand. If this keeps up long term, it is something worth spending some time with. But give it some time for your acute stress response from this current crisis to settle down.
6. You’re annoyed everyone is complaining about stuff your grief has had you coping with for weeks/months/years. Are your friends suddenly complaining about isolation, overwhelm, and feelings of uncertainty about the future? Does it sound a lot like what you’ve been coping with for a long time?
Are these things your friends haven’t historically been sympathetic about? Hopefully, this isn’t coming up for you, but we have heard loud and clear that it is coming up for some people. It isn’t that you don’t empathize with your friends. Quite the opposite, in fact. You empathize deeply. It might just feel a little annoying that it took something like this for them to empathize with you.
7. You’re thinking about your loved one. A lot. Research has shown that we don’t just want and miss our loved ones during the good times. We actually really want and miss them in bad times. In times of pain, stress, crisis, and indecision, we often think of and want to be close to the person who died. We imagine what they would have said or done. We find strength in things they taught us. It is actually something that most people find helpful and comforting. But that doesn’t change that it can also bring up tough, bittersweet feelings.
8. You’re imaging that everything would just be better if they were still here. Don’t get me wrong, we do this all the time in grief. But we ESPECIALLY do it when the going gets tough. When life is hard, we often go back to the moment our loved one died and we think, “if only they were still here, everything would be so much better”.
Now, they would be alive, so that would obviously be better. Even if you were trapped at home fighting. Even if it was the same old boring day-to-day. They would be here, so that would mean a whole lot. But the extension that EVERYTHING would be better or easier . . . that’s a different proposition.
No doubt having them around would make your baseline better – you wouldn’t be coping with grief and this crisis. But as for the rest, we really have no way to know what sort of “different” it would be. In philosophy and psychology, they call this counterfactual thinking – constructing a whole, imaginary reality around things that didn’t actually happen.
We imagine a world if things had gone differently. It might seem harmless enough, but if we’re not aware of it, it can double-down our grief emotions. Why? Because now, instead of just coping with the stress of this crisis and desperately missing the person who died, we’re also bitter or resentful or grieving this idea of what would have been. I know this one is a little abstract. But if you’ve felt it, you probably know what I mean.
These are some of the things we’ve heard already, but we know there are lots of other reasons this current crisis might mean your grief feels worse. Tell us about it in the comments. And let us know how you’re coping!
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What’s Your Grief? Lists to Help you Through Any Loss is for people experiencing any type of loss. This book discusses some of the most common grief experiences and breaks down psychological concepts to help you understand your thoughts and emotions. It also shares useful coping tools, and helps the reader reflect on their unique relationship with grief and loss.
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160 Comments on "8 Reasons Your Grief Feels Worse Right Now"Click here to leave a Comment
L. Handsome December 16, 2022 at 8:13 am
Deborah September 22, 2022 at 10:11 pm
My husband died suddenly on February 15, 2022. We were together and in love for forty-nine years. There was nothing better than being with him…sitting quietly or celebrating. These past several months have been excruciatingly pain filled. I am not alone but am oh so very lonely. Our history was so important to us. I miss that person who knew me when I was eighteen. I miss him because he showed me true love every day. I miss him because his side of the bed is empty. I witness the pain of my child and grandchildren but am unable to help them. Emotionally I am a mess. A good nights sleep is rare, waking much too early in a dark, empty room.
How do I heal when ‘normal’ is an impossible goal? How have so many before me walked through this agony? Can I believe in myself enough to be strong and carry on?
Brenda September 19, 2022 at 3:11 pm
I lost my son Adam at the age of 16 due to suicide 7 years ago. I still, and can’t get over the fact that he’s gone. I had lost all my social skills, I have no friends, just my husband and my 3 other beautiful children. I don’t do anything that’s out of my safe bubble. I’m trapped inside my own snow globe. I can see out but no one can get in. My family thinks I should already be moved on, but I just can’t seem to take that extra step forward. I try, but I take 2 steps back again. Trying to put on a happy face everyday is so painful, my heart just aches so bad. All I want to do is crawl into bed an never come out. Yes. It’s been 7 years. 7 years that my Adam has been gone from my life. I just want my friends, and family to understand that I’m hurting something horrible. More than I can express to them. My life has changed in a way no one can put back. My husband has been my biggest fan with supporting me. He kept me from suicide myself. With that being said, I just want my Adam back. Bottom line. 11-3-98/05-30-15. Mommy loves you my Angel son forever.
Misty March 18, 2023 at 11:41 pm
I’m right there with you. I’m almost at 2 years since my 19 year old ordered her own wings. I’m struggling more more than ever with motivation, finding another job, lost in thoughts of why I’m still going, and no idea how to get out of it. I honestly don’t care to keep on, and cannot find a good reason to. I don’t think I ever took the time to grieve when I went back to work. I lost that job 2 months ago. Now I really struggle with his to move forward. I don’t know what matters anymore, there’s making it difficult to search for a new one. How did you get past that?
Scott j September 5, 2022 at 11:43 pm
I just did
Pete September 2, 2022 at 8:36 am
My wife and best friend for 60 years died 7th July. Eight weeks ago. I was her sole carer for more than 6 years. She had Depression, PTSD and frontotemporal dementia. She actually lost the will the live, but still died slowly with absolutely no dignity, it broke my heart. Now I don’t know how to grieve. Never mind how to “move on” the way everyone is telling me to, but how to grieve. I cry almost all the time. I light a candle every day. I sit and stare into space and see only her. I truly wish I, too, were dead. With Eve gone, there’s nothing for me. I have no friends or family, those we had ghosted me the day Eve died. I have never imagined such pain and utter despair
Litsa September 5, 2022 at 10:08 am
Pete – please know that the early days of grief (and 8 weeks is still so very early) can feel so hopeless. Learning to live without someone who was so much a part of you, while you grieve their absence, takes time and support. But there is hope and there are things that you can do. They will not erase the pain, but they will help you learn to carry it. With regard to friends, often people believe we “need space” to grieve so they give us “time”. This can feel like abandonment. A helpful step is reaching out to let friends and family that what you need is not time and space, but rather support and connection. There are often support groups at local hospices (whether or not you wife was in hospice, you are still eligible for free support). There you will like find others coping with similar things, but also professionals to help with some of the tools that can help you as you grieve. I hope the articles on our site are a small support. We have a weekly free grief support email newsletter you can sign up for. And if you are every thinking of hurting yourself – or even just need someone to talk to and help finding resources, please call 988 to get connected with mental health support in your area.
Linda December 31, 2022 at 3:38 pm
My husband died Christmas eve 2021. I am struggling too. I am so lonely. I wish God would call me home.
firstname.lastname@example.org January 7, 2023 at 8:02 am
My husband died one year and an half ago now i am feeling most worst . It was a very wonderful marriage 30 years . I am so alone he was my best friend , he care about me , we were so close each other . I have no words to describe what i feel
Ellie A August 24, 2022 at 8:04 am
I lost my husband of 64 yers last year and I feel so sad and overwhelmed I have gained 20lbs and I feel awful most of the time. I am all alone in a big house and miss him so much that it hurts. Inhad been with him since I was 20! I feel like my life is over.
George December 19, 2022 at 6:24 pm
I know the hurt you feel it’s an unbearable feeling everyday that is with you,my dear wife past away also the desperation of that feeling that won’t leave the mind ,but in time we will feel it easing bit y bit,UT our loved ones will always stay in our hearts,I hope you and I will both get some relieve from this awful feeling ,I am sure we will ,wishing you well and good health for the future,time should heal our wounds,good luck,best wises from George
Georgette May 29, 2022 at 9:22 pm
I lost my husband March 18 2022 just 6 days after his birthday we celebrated his birthday we had fun we went to sleep he goes to work early in the morning so he would Normally call me to wake me up for work this particular morning no call, I called him no answer I check my messages only to know that he was in the hospital I rush there I don’t know what happen to my husband they say he had a stroke they took forever to do the surgery when they finally done it my husband just die just like that I am so numb, hurt and feeling horrible I don’t know when Iam going every going to recover this it hurts like crazy
You’re Not Alone ❤️ July 2, 2022 at 1:48 pm
I am so very sorry this has happened to you. I too lost my husband but it was a slow horrible wretched death so I’m not sure what’s worse … watching someone you love die in front of you or finding out that your soul mate has just been ripped from you with no warning no goodbye no resolving any unspoken issues I had a chance to say goodbye but you didn’t and my heart bleeds for you It’s been 10 yrs for me and it still feels raw You’re numb in shock and will go through so many different phases and feelings If I can give you ANY advice it’s to be kind to yourself Treat yourself like you would treat your friend if your best friend’s husband had passed What would you be telling her to do? Take that advice get massages long baths go on a trip stay close to family or good friends and join a support group if you want And for God’s sake PLEASE do not let ANYONE tell you when to stop grieving My sister once said to me “Michael’s been gone for a couple years now you need to move on” I’m sure she meant well but it made me feel worse Because I don’t want to move on I want to live in his memory forever I’m not ready yet and maybe I never will be but it’s MY decision and nobody else’s So do whatever makes you feel good right now take care of yourself
Carrie M July 12, 2022 at 6:58 am
I lost my husband in June 21 suddenly. My husband had an aneurysm in his lower stomach that was suppose to be operated on. They scheduled him for operation but he never made it to that day. It was so shocking when it had burst in his sleep. I am so thankful for the night before we had together. I can say one thing…I will live with my memories until I pass. I will never move on. I do dislike that term. I was with my husband for 47 wonderful years.
Tati July 21, 2022 at 2:01 pm
I lost my mom four years ago I was 14. My mom was my only parent but we had a rocky relationship. When she died everyone made it about them. Never really acknowledged me or my sisters pain. And so I had to bury my grief deep to be strong for everyone else. I couldn’t fall apart. But now I’m falling apart. I try to be okay for my mom but I just think I wish she was here. She never got to see me graduate middle school or high school. She won’t see me have kids or a family and it just breaks my heart. I’m trying to cope but sometimes I just can’t.
karen elaine September 21, 2022 at 10:49 pm
my husband died 5 month ago in his sleep.he was not ill,his knee hurt ,they said abakercyst.iI think they mis diagnosed ,he had no oain in back of leg it was in his knee going up his keg.night before said he didn’t feel well an in morning found him dead. I think he had a bloodclot but will never know. married 43 yrs.miss him every second of everyday. I have no control of breaking down.I need him.he was my word my eveything,everything, at 17. no happiness, know he’s gone but hiw can you be there at night an gone at am.i need an want him back.scott was my world an my strength
Debra May 21, 2022 at 8:46 pm
My husband of 20 years died in December 2021. We were living apart in different states and I hadn’t spoken to him in 3 years because of things he did the last time I saw him in my state, and things he said to me on the phone after he returned to his. He didn’t tell me how sick he actually was. Any other time, he would’ve tried to manipulate me into talking to him and/or travel to him, but he didn’t this time. I feel absolutely horrible, almost 5 months later, that I wasn’t with him at the end of his life, and that I wasn’t there to comfort him and make peace with him. I’m not sure I’m ever going to get over it.
Kimberly Pitts June 3, 2022 at 1:05 pm
I lost my husband a couple of months ago also, and we were separated also, but I really loved him so much, no matter what? We couldn’t live together like I wanted to. But I can’t stop thinking about him, I feel like my insides are being torn into shreds, pieces, I really don’t think I will get over this grief, pain?
Litsa June 4, 2022 at 6:34 pm
We think it can be helpful to not think of it as ‘getting over’ grief, but rather that it will change and evolve. With time you will learn ways to cope and the feelings will change, and that will often make it feel more manageable. But it will always be there. This article may express it a bit and share some perspective – https://whatsyourgrief.com/grief-recovery-is-not-a-thing/
Anonymous July 16, 2022 at 7:45 pm
Write him a letter , read it to him and then burn it.
My husband of 27 years died in a road accident, we were also separated for a few years but had reunited thankfully for the last yr of his life.
The letter helped somewhat. Once the letter burned and the paper turned white, I heard thunder no rain. I think he heard me. I still feel the knot inside me. I hope it helps you, what else can we do when we are not ready to let go.
Mike S. May 12, 2022 at 9:00 pm
I have read some of these heart felt letters about their lost love. I feel the same way my wife passed 02/21/2022 the people I work around don’t get it why I want to talk about my spouse they look at me & wonder why I haven’t moved on. I know that life is all about change, after 28 years of waking up & seeing the same person in the same spot. You know that they were the one that made you a better person & everything in the home just reminds you of them
Heather March 23, 2022 at 7:51 am
I lost my husband of 36 years on the 23rd of November 2021. I can’t seem to get passed his passing he was diagnosed with blood cancer Father’s Day last year,by the time they started treatment it was too late for him he had larger B cell non Hodgson lymphoma , fast moving and aggressive.we moved from Tassie to live in South Australia because of COVID to be closer to our 3 Children and Grand children ,we bought a new home we were in it just a bit over a year and he died,his wish was to die at home with me and his children,so I nursed him until he died, I cry every day .my daughter cry’s cos she knows there’s nothing she can do to help me. He was only just turned 61. He was the love of my life, he did a lot for me as I did for him we travelled around Australia and now I will never be able to do that with him anymore , the pain is so hard to bare sometimes. All I want is him back but I know that could never be.How can I survive life without him. 💔😢😔
Lj April 11, 2022 at 12:04 am
BLESS YOUR HEART YOU’LL BE IN MY PRAYERS
Christine McDaid January 17, 2022 at 3:37 am
I lost my husband 3 years ago ,2 years ago I met a lovely man who is my age ,we enjoy the same things we got engaged last year and I love him so much but seem to have a block,heavy heart still some days he looks after me really well and I definitely want to spend the rest of my life with him but I am really struggling some days especially when something dosent go right or some one has a go at me ,I just can’t cope or shake it off ,I go on a complete downer and struggle again for a week or more.
Lost most of my friends since meeting my partner and unfortunately had to give my job up as was getting a really hard time from jealous people.
I had worked at my job 15 years so felt like I was grieving again when suddenly I couldn’t get up to go there again!!
I love my partner so much I am feeling a bit anxious about him passing away before me !!! And even though he doesn’t know how I am feeling I am struggling with this some days depending on the day I have had!
It just seems to be holding me up and I don’t get excited about any thing no more.
Beth4 January 12, 2022 at 10:29 pm
I lost my youngest son to a drug overdose on December 12, 21. He left behind 4 boys. It’s the 1 month anniversary today. I expect him to walk in my house at any time, but when I am overwhelmed with the reality of it, I can’t stop crying. My grief comes in waves. Sometimes my tears are angry and labored. Other times they flow easily and burn my cheeks. My husband, his father grieves differently and tells me I have to let it go. I cannot. I need to talk about him. I need to cry. I need to touch his things, like his picture or his guitar. I have so many different emotions, I can’t name them all. I am angry. I am numb. I am hurt. I don’t know why he didn’t listen to me when I told him he had to leave the drugs alone. I just want my son. I don’t understand why he chose the life he did. If it weren’t for God, I don’t know how I would get through this.
Ruth January 26, 2023 at 7:05 pm
I’m so sorry Beth! My stepson lost his life to drug related illness 2 years ago 1-10-21. He would have been 42 today. My husband “thinks” he’s handling his loss but he clearly is not. Being a woman, I express my grief differently and can’t begin to imagine losing a biological child of any age! Your emotions sound very normal to me and I’m so very sorry it’s so excruciatingly hard! It’s good that you found this site. At least it’s a small way to share what you’re feeling and I hope it offers a glimmer of comfort!! Prayer is my only hope for my husband. His Son meant the absolute world to him but always knew the shoe would drop but when it happens it is truly shattering. Keep the faith and please don’t blame yourself. I guess time and prayers are the best healers❤️
Mary December 27, 2021 at 12:48 am
Change, identity, loss and grief. I have been a caretaker since 2007. My spouse had an acute stroke and unable to go back to teaching. After a year he was able to care for himself and stay home by himself but never to drive again. He did volunteer work and started to play music again. He did have many deficits also. In in 2009. We moved closer to my children and doctors. In 2015. He was diagnosed with ocular melanoma. We were married for 40 years. He was my high school sweetheart. He became an artist and was president of the Art Guild. I always worked full time until he needed to be on Hospice. He always reinvented himself. That’s what I need to do. Very difficult. I am stuck. I don’t know who I am and having difficulty with all the change. I have never lived alone. I think of him all the time. I have difficulty thinking straight. I will never feel the same. Sorry so long.
cncprogram February 22, 2022 at 10:01 pm
Mary, my heart aches for you. I broke into tears reading you story of the loss of your beloved husband of 40 years. This hits close to home. My husband of 40 years,my high school sweet heart passed away suddenly from Covid in January of this year. When I read how you think of him all time and feel stuck. This is how I feel also. Just completely lost and alone. It’s such a aching lonely feeling. When it’s begins to hurt to much I stop and pray. It does help.
Cathy Anderson October 24, 2022 at 2:12 am
I too lost my husband of 41 years in August. He had a rare aggressive stomach cancer that had spread to his organs. They said he had 6-9 months to live but was gone in 3. There is so much to say, but now I am feeling his loss all the time compared to when I was “in” the crisis mode and after. I didn’t think it would be worse as time went on but easier so to speak. The depression is so sad, but he wanted to go to heaven more than anything, so that is a great comfort to me.
Lessie B Baskin November 7, 2021 at 11:22 am
I am dying mentally and emotionally daily. I lost my 19 year older granddaughter that I raised as my own most of her life. She died on 9/25/21 from a traumatic gunshot wound to the head at the hands of this 22 year old woman. This woman watched my granddaughter die on the floor and never called 911 or the paramedics until hours later when her mother returned home and forced her to. This evil woman is still living and is out on bond, charged with intentional murder, and my granddaughter/daughter is dead. I am saddened beyond repair. They list the steps of grief, but for me the main step that I am experiencing is despair. The last step is acceptance. I accept the fact that my granddaughter is dead and God did not intervene or protect her from this evilness but allowed her to die a tragic death. I prayed to God to protect my granddaughter as she go on this trip and to bring her back safely, but God did not protect my granddaughter and she was brought back dead. I am devastated. My faith in God is shaken. Can I count on anything in this world to be true. Most days I wish I was dead. This is the worst time of my life. I recently retired and I have not had an easy life. I thought that God had given me this retirement to make up for the difficulties that I have had in life. In other words, giving me back what the locusts has eaten. Wrong!! I am more miserable than I ever have been. I do not see me living long without my granddaughter/daughter. I pray daily that God will allow me to die physically soon. I need to get a few things in order, but after this, I am ready to go to my eternal home. I have two children and three other grandchildren, but the suffering is so intense that I am not sure if I can find enough meaning and purpose in my life to keep going. So I pray, God, you have put more on me than I can bear. I am ready to go home. Too much pain and suffering.
Litsa November 9, 2021 at 6:46 pm
Lessie, I am so incredibly sorry for the immense grief from the death of your daughter. Please know that most people do not grieve in any linear phases and there are no limit to the countless emotions that are part of grief. I think it would be incredibly valuable for you to talk with a therapist. There is a listing of therapists here who specialize in grief that could be a good place to start. https://prolongedgrief.columbia.edu/for-the-public/find-a-therapist/ And please know at any time, if your thoughts are feeling too much or too dark and you are thinking of hurting yourself, you can reach someone by phone or by online chat at the prevention lifeline – 1-800-273-8255
Diana Carter October 8, 2021 at 11:13 pm
As much as it hurt, I think Your loved ones would want you to live and move on! At least mine did! I find it much more satisfying to concentrate on the , Laughter, Love making, and fun, we are all going to Die, but it’s what’s make us live is eternal ❤♥💖💙 Remember the good times!! There inlays your strength, make new friends, and laugh, be sexy , remember, your only going to get One shot in this life,!! Live
GR September 26, 2021 at 11:49 am
My fiancee passed away Thanksgiving day 2020. It all happened so fast. I never realized how much I loved and missed him until now. He came home to hospice care, and only lasted two days at home. He was so out of it he didn’t even know me. I was with him 15 years. However, I always maintained a separate residence. Suddenly, his daughter who never came around was now proxy. I had no means of transportation or anyone to take me to his home to say goodbye. I was in shock then. His ex wife and kids never liked me, and suddenly had taken over. I never made it there, and I am guilty every day
The day he passed his ex wife and daughter read all our personal texts. They threatened me, and said that I should never come back to his house. They had him cremated. His wish was always told be buried with me. I have no emotional support. It’s a burden to carry on daily tasks. I talk to him all the time. Does it ever go away?
JamesDeane April 26, 2022 at 6:50 pm
Hi. G. R. I’m. JamesDeane. I. Lost. My wife. 2018. Valentines night. I came home. From work. House. Was dark every night. My wife was. In bed. To weak to. Walk. I come thru the door each night. And call out her name. That night I didn’t get an. Ancer. She always has a breathing machine on. As I walked in the. Room. I. Sahib babe. Where are you. I turned on the. Light. There she. Was. Against. The wall lifeless. Cold. I tried cpr. ,,,,,,,, God sent the Angels,, to bring. Her. Home She was my. World. All 33 Happy. Years. Gone. From lung. Cancer. Over the. Years. I was there. Every 2nd. Never left her side ,,, I’m sure. Your. Person you loved ment so much to you. Dispite. What. People. Thought of. You. ,, who. Cares. The bottom line. Is. He. Loved. YOU!!!!! Keep that alive. In. You. He loved. You. Not his. Ex. But. You. He. Loved Remember. That. You were. Special. To. Him. Now. Is. The time. To. Grow. With your love you had with him. Belive in your self. In time. You will. Regain strength, keep. Your love strong for him. You will. Come thru 🌹🌹🌹I know. He’s with you. But. You will. Be. Ok. I never thought I’d make it this far. But I am. Each. Day. I have my moments yes it’s sad. It’s a. Very lonely. Feeling. To be a window. It. Sucks. Nothing is like it use to be. And as hard as it is for all of us. Who. Lost. We. Have to keep going ,, we’re. Here for a reason. And we had to witness. This. Sadness. I believe. There’s a. Reason for. Everything. Here. On this. Earth. You will become stronger. Your a. Survivor. Just like the rest of us. Our. Loved ones. Souls. Can see us. In a different way. I strongly believe that,, you. Keep. Going. And don’t stop. You believe. For you. Your going to be. OkI. Love. You. And I love all who. Lost. Also. God. Bless. All of. You😇😇😇😇🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️
Cynthia Withers August 2, 2021 at 2:19 pm
My husband passed away 2 weeks ago today. We were married for 48 years as of May 5, 2021. He was the most perfect match for me. We have two children, a daughter 45 and a son who is 42. Both are living at our home presently. Thank God!!! I have been so depressed and miss my husband so much. I keep thinking about how fortunate I am that I’m not totally alone. I just want my husband to come home, just walk in the door, no questions asked. I miss him so much that my heart hurts. Just today I was faced with having one of our vehicles repaired and this is one of the many things he “spoiled” me with in that I never had to deal with any repairs to whatever. I loved helping him if he was repairing something at our home. He really just tried to put me on a pedestal. Now I wish I knew how and who to call when something needed repairing.
I have been trying to work with SSA about receiving spousal benefits and with the military as he received retirement benefits through them. It’s just amazing the amount of “crap” they put the surviving spouse through. Even our bank of 46 years has not been the most helpful. I just keep thinking this must be a nightmare and waiting to awaken, but of course this hasn’t happened. I know it’s totally unrealistic, but I just so want him back for the good and the not so great things that happen. I have fibromyalgia and he was my biggest supporter. Whether he really understood or not, he always believed me when I would talk about my issues. and try to be so supportive. I think we were probably each others best supporters. You just never believe he will go to work one day and never return. He died from a cardiac arrest. While it was quick and I should find some solace that he wasn’t suffering for years with some horrible prognosis and I am, but just to be gone and until you get that call from a co-worker. It’s horrible. I am so sorry for anyone’s loss on this website of a loved one, just try to remember all the wonderful memories, minutes, seconds you got to share with them. Hold them close in your heart.
Paula August 1, 2021 at 11:12 pm
My husband died unexpectedly right before Covid really took off. He did all our financial things so I was in survival mode for a while trying to figure things out–could not access accounts as they were in his name only, etc. When that first year anniversary of his death occurred I found myself feeling more upset than ever before because I realized that this was my life now and this was it. Sometimes I wish we hadn’t loved each other so much because life seems so blah without him.
Carrie May 15, 2022 at 7:43 pm
Paula, I feel your pain. I was with my husband almost 30 years. We both were healthy and got sick with Covid the 3rd week of august 2020. My youngest left for first year of college in august 20, and we restated positive 2 days later. I was fine. My husband ended up dying a month later from Covid. It has been a nightmare being alone, trying to get access to our bills, taking over a company, dissolving a company, grieving and helping kids.
It has been 1.5 years and I am still messed up, more grieving because the survival/business matter are less time consuming.
I never thought I’d be a widow at 51. Some days are okay, but a lot aren’t, I kind of just exist.
Hopefully in time I will figure this new life out.
My only advice is to hang in there. It’s one hell of a ride 🙁
patty March 8, 2023 at 2:28 am
My husband died before covid, now 4 years. He had parkinsons and lung fibrosis and was scared. I tried to be proactive, positive, getting him to join a special exercise group, getting him out and about so he wouldn’t be a recluse. When he was around other people, he was better, tried harder, was his entertaining self.
I am glad he died before covid. He would have lived even more in fear.
My husband did all the paperwork. He was retired. He knew the language (international marriage). He also wanted to be sure I knew about investments, banks etc. Sometimes I was tired of hearing of it, but thank god I paid enough attention that I could deal with it after he died. The first year was a blur of paperwork, then came covid.
He was such a good guy. He was kind of a hypochondriac..a normal cold..how he would suffer! Sometimes I just didn’t listen. I never expected him to die. He went to a rehab for his lungs with the goal of giving him rest, getting him fit. He got the flu there and came back worse than when he left. And then he was only home a week before he went into the hospital. I just never expected him to die, not like that, not so fast.
I manage. I am active. I am, I think, fincancially secure. I have two adult sons who don’t live nearby, but who are in regular contact. I have a good support group. But in my head and in my heart, grief. guilt. regret.
I think the financial paperwork and covid suppressed the grief. We were married 30 years.
So sorry for all of your losses. My heart is with you.
Denise James July 3, 2021 at 2:59 pm
My precious husband of 18 years died of a very fast salivary gland turned tongue cancer in June of 2019. I have lost a lot of weight and have to force myself to eat . I have little to no support . I was so surprised and shocked when my only daughter went no contact with me shortly after he passed . She took my then four year old granddaughter with . I am really completely alone . Everyone is just trying to live like I don’t need anyone and I don’t know why . I’m not getting better and concerned about my health of course . I’m a 66 year old female and otherwise healthy . I’m just floored by all this isolation and getting too weak to get out now . I wasn’t for the first first year .
Denise H. July 19, 2021 at 10:50 am
My sweet husband died January 2021 he was in the hospital from October till the day of his death because of the pandemic I never get to see my husband after he left home that day they let me come the day of his death because he was in comfort care I just don’t wanna be here anymore I just want to be with my husband ,the grieving never stops the the crying never stops I miss him so much,I think he lost his morale because he couldn’t see me I couldn’t touch him I couldn’t hug him FaceTime is fine but it’s not the same thing
Marie Martin September 23, 2021 at 11:31 am
I feel like this too and feel lost and alone.
People are rude to widows
Gail July 3, 2022 at 12:25 pm
I get that, my superman soulmate left this earth 02/11/22
He died a horrible painful death, due to covid Pneumonia and multitude of previous medical issues
I was the one who had to make decision and I did with my sister and sister friend, his brother was home drunk and wouldn’t come, I pla Ned funeral, bural and keep my 3 grandchildren all under 9, while doing so,, drove myself and grandchildren to his funeral as there mom rode with her boyfriend.
Whole time during all of this my mom was mad at me for not bring at my home so she could ” see me” I live in one part of state 1hr away than all friends and family we lived there 20 years for his mom & dad ( all now deceased)
I.have been ” hit on” by my neighbor mire than a few times and by more than one of his friends
My friends and Co workers think I should go out have fun..I want my husband..not fun
Andrew Haven June 29, 2021 at 10:26 pm
The love of my life died 2 years and 5 months ago the grief doesn’t go away…
Eileen July 2, 2021 at 5:52 pm
sorry for your loss. mine was last September.
MaryCarrington July 8, 2021 at 1:51 pm
I lost my partner nearly 2 years ago ,it was very sudden he wasn’t well I took him to hospital and we was told he only had 2 weeks to live .That day haunts me , I looked after him at home ,then the last two days he went into an hospice , he phoned me the night he died to tell me he loved me ,he died next morning I will never forget I wasn’t with him when he passed I haven’t cried but the grief is tearing me appart ,I don’t know when it stops I will never forget him . Thanks for reading this ,
Tom September 18, 2021 at 2:23 pm
My wife of 53 years past way 2 months ago. She was my wife, my love, my soulmate, and best friend. My heart aches all the time. Feel like I’m in a fog. We traveled and shared everything together and life without her is unkind. My future looks dim… Table for one.
KATE MORRIS June 15, 2021 at 12:51 pm
He left me saying he is no long in love with me i so much love him my boyfriend is the perfect match for me i want him back am crying all day i love him help me we have been together for 9 years help me
Jennifer July 17, 2021 at 1:09 am
Kate, I’m so glad you brought that up! Grieving doesn’t just happens when someone dies. They can be very much alive and happy and content with their new life, new gal pal sleep buddy, whatever you want to call it. My husband and I have been mary23 years. Still so in love with him and he fell so out of love with me. I guess that’s why the word die is in the word divorce! It’s worse though! If they really died you feel like they are waiting in heaven for you. I’d they fell out of love with you and quit sharing their life and dreams and secrets with you and found someone else to share them with… I’d rather be dead! I just refuse to leave that legacy with/ for my children! I need help! I’m lonely, broken-hearted and any other words you can think of that’s just to painful – I feel like I’m suffocating! And my poor girls! God damn him and his lying soul! May God bring us all peace, joy, happiness and send us our prince that we really deserve ❣️✝️🙏🏼
Brenda May 27, 2021 at 12:37 am
My husband died suddenly October 22 2021. He was the extrovert I’m the Introvert. People were drawn to him and I was the plus one. Now since he is gone so are the friends and family. The loneliness is crushing. Always heard time heals. Seems to get worse with time. He was my world since I was 18 years old. 34 years was not long enough.
Cindy davis May 31, 2021 at 10:47 pm
Firstly, I am sad for you recent loss.
Mine was April 2nd ,2021, after 40 amazing years. Married at age 30 for me, but I might as well have been 18. He was 40, divorced and enchantingly worldly. I, was an artist with visual skills mainly. At 79, he was diagnosed with ALS, dying a year later, so sadly and quickly. A real people-magnate communicator, it was painful to watch his vocal diction and digital coordination virtually disappear overnight. Even his two sons limited phone communication after a while. Covid made it all worse and being in Los Angeles made life intolerable.
You are still in your community? I have to leave. The rent and living expenses are too much. His death wiped out his pension and I’m under Covid protection with only a month to go.
Anna May 15, 2021 at 10:39 pm
My husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer March 19th 2020 . Shutdown . Just me and him for 34 years . He died April 19 2021 . No children . I’m very sad and very lonely .
Dorothy May 22, 2021 at 10:30 pm
My husband passed away with pulmonary fibrosis; he was my rock. We had no children. Very lonely! I am very sad,
Barry October 2, 2021 at 3:59 pm
Anna I know how you feel my partner died April 15 2021 and I do not know what to do without her
sherry April 3, 2022 at 6:46 pm
i lost my husband to colon cancer thanksgiving day october12th 2020, i am the same as you,he passed at home with only me as per his wishes at the age of 59, i have no kids, no more friends just me 58yrs 4 cats still work and live still in our home of marriage just before our 25th wedding anniversary he died. you are not alone,i work fulltime,but come home to no husband, i still cry just me and my cats will it get better its been ayear a6months probably not, i live in kenora ontario canada lake of the woods. just thought i would email to say your not any different then how i feel everyday. take care sherry
Terry May 11, 2021 at 3:32 pm
I just wanted to add to this excellent list the one I am struggling with. My daughter died of pneumonia after being diagnosed with terminal cancer at age 28. I have found that the sight on tv and seeing all the numbers of cases and deaths overwhelming as each one takes me right back to her final minutes struggling to breath before dying right there with me next to her. This was shocking enough but I thought I’d dealt with it and then Covid arrived. It then seemed that I was suddenly living in a dangerous world where there were millions struggling for breath and dying. A whole planet of what I had seen with my beautiful and precious daughter. My heart has broken a thousand times since March 2020 and isn’t getting better as its affecting my health now. I don’t know what to do. Even after counselling etc, nothing has changed. I am shocked at the global grief of the loss of my normal life as it was and am forced hard to face my daughters last moments over and over with pain that feels like it will never end. She died 7 years ago and I was doing alright or so I thought.
Pamela April 23, 2021 at 11:30 pm
I lost my husband of 45 years tragically and unexpectedly a few weeks ago. The shock of him being found dead and frozen in the middle of the road 3 days after his car spun out in a snow storm in the middle of nowhere on his way back from two states away has created many other facets of grief that is not normally part of the process. Getting permits, retrieving his vehicle from so far away, medical examiner autopsy, transporting him home added time and devastation to simply beginning the normal process of dealing with his remains let alone accepting his death. He left and never came back leaving a large open window of doubt and disbelief. A month passed before I could even arrange his cremation and I was forced to communicate with people, like the coroner, to discuss his death, that conversations of the like would never had happened including the details of their process, their findings, the status of his body, etc. I was blessed to deal with people who were sensitive, compassionate, patient, accommodating, kind, careful with how they discussed the horrible parts of their procedure/process, but closure comes hard because I never got to see him. I keep hoping he will walk through the door and everything is a mistake. That all of the “evidence bags” brought home in his vehicle are meaningless because he is still alive and they just found his stuff. We were a couple still deeply in love with a happy close family and a bond beyond belief. We liked each other and were best friends, not just husband and wife. How do I begin to get past this pain? I am in tears every corner I turn the memory of him, of us, is there in our home. I don’t know what to do…
Jason June 8, 2021 at 10:53 am
I feel your loss I woke up to doing cpr while I sent my young kids outside. she never came back to me just out of the blue gone .brain bleed she was only 50 passed for 40 .it’s been 4 weeks my kids seem good 12 and 4 years old .me not so good feeling worse .changed my life .thinking of all the times when I was so selfish too the love of my life ,when things were changing for the better ,god there is no God if you ask me ,can’t be ! Trying too be strong for my grandkid and my son
Norma April 23, 2021 at 2:56 pm
My darling dad died on the 7th April. He had been unwell for a few wks but the last 24 hrs were pretty awful. I’d moved in with my parents during the first lockdown to look after them both. I nursed dad at home, I would not consider him going away and he desperately wanted to stay in his home. Oh how I miss him, we were exceptionally close and I just cannot imagine never again hearing him say how much he loved me or feel one of his bear hugs. I feel like a child again, rather than a 60 year old woman. I am bereft.
CMA April 18, 2021 at 11:11 pm
I had been divorced for 24 years and raised 3 children, and went to school for many years to gain my NP. My children are all grown, married with careers after college. I met my soulmate and we fell head over heals for one another. We enjoyed each other’s company, we laughed and it was as if we had been together for years. We married and I lost him in a tragic accident after being together over 3 years. The grief was awful. During that time I was laid off from my job. So now, it’s been seven months I feel like I am in this black hole of grief, I’m overwhelmed and I feel like I can’t overcome this. It’s as if I was in shock for 6 months but reality is setting in and I know he is never coming back. I am on antidepressants but my grief is the worst it has ever been. Sometimes I wish I could go be with him in heaven. I don’t want to be here. I would never take my own life. I am just heart broken and miserable.
Isabelle Siegel April 19, 2021 at 2:05 pm
I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through this. Have you tried reaching out to a therapist specifically trained in grief? You can find one here: https://complicatedgrief.columbia.edu/for-the-public/find-a-therapist/. If you are thinking of hurting yourself, or even if you just need someone to talk with, please call the National Suicide Helpline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit their website where you can do a live online chat https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ All the best to you.
Donya Stevens April 9, 2021 at 11:57 pm
My husband passed on March 20 2020. We were together for 29 years and like so many of you he was my rock. My whole world. He took such good care of me and our children. Everyone said it would get but it seems to be getting worse. There’s so many things I can’t do anymore because we did so much together. Our children are all grown up now but it seems like their time together was just ripped away. I know they still him. I’m so sad and I don’t know what to do with all the sadness.
Janet April 9, 2021 at 9:40 pm
I lost my mother 3 weeks ago. She was 97 years old, and up until the last 5 weeks or so of her life was relatively vital, completely with it, and took care of all of her own needs. She was briefly in hospice and then brought her home, where she passed.
I can’t cope without her, and I feel like the pain is getting worse, rather than subsiding. She was my best friend- especially this past year, with Covid and because I was working from home, we were hardly ever apart. I can manage when I’m working or out of the house, but when I’m alone, all I want to do is cry, because there are no words to describe the emptiness I feel without her. There are times where I don’t think I can move forward without her, and I know that’s not what she wanted for me. But I just don’t know how to handle this pain.
Sandy May 15, 2021 at 12:53 am
I am soooo sorry for your loss. I recently lost my Mama 3 and a half weeks ago. No words can express my pain, just cry, cry, cry rinse and repeat. I am 49 years old. She was my rock, my best friend, and always my Mama!! I cannot stop crying. I feel your pain. Hopefully maybe I can help you, and it might help me, or we can compare notes, on stages. The only stage seems to be crying for me. I have been helping and took care of my Mom for my Dad. I live 800 miles from him, I did spend her last month with her, but since I got home last week, the tears just do not stop.
Beth March 26, 2021 at 8:39 pm
My husband of 40 years passed Jan 2020. I was teaching and taking care of him. His health declined the past five years and I did everything I could for him. I would work at school all day, then come home to take care of him. I finally went on FMLA December 2019. Then hospice was contacted to help. He passed a month later. I feel like I can’t find “me”. I went back to work after he passed and I was coping, then covid hit. March 13 schools shut down. I am in my 60’s so going back to school in the fall with the effect covid would have on education did not interest me. I sold my house, found a beautiful condo on a gorgeous lake, and I am 7 minutes from my daughter.
My brain just can’t get past the fact that he is not coming home. My health is being compromised now, no energy, covid shut down all of the music groups I performed in……my tv is on all day and I am not motivated.
I have gone to counseling. I felt better but I’m thinking I need more help. I am a Christian. I know my husband is healed. I am broken hearted. He was the love of my life. I just don’t know who I am any more.
Hope Larson March 22, 2021 at 1:42 am
Jan 02 2021 I lost my wonderful husband of 48 years we really fell in love 50 years ago when I was 18 and he was 25. in 1969. We never separated one single time in our marriage. We did not have any children I lost a baby when I was 45 that was on Jan 03 1996. Fred died of B cell NH Lymphoma and it took him in a month we both didn’t understand what was happening until he was gone. My life died with his. I often think of ending my life I just can’t go on I am 70 years almost and have never been alone. I can’t live without him. As my friends post current pictures of there life I have only the past. I have tried to do everything to help myself nothing works. He did everything now I sit in a quiet lonely house wondering about not wanting to live anymore and what to do about it. It seems like GOD doesn’t hear me a broken heart is the worse thing I have ever felt. I pray for all the ones going through this horrific loss and the last year of pandemic I just hurt. **Hope**
Marti March 24, 2021 at 9:32 pm
I am so sad for you! My dear Hope, please look up and see you still have work to do here, my friend. Please know that God does hear you and He loves you…you are not alone for He is with you – He is with all of us. It says in Psalms 34:18 “The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Even in our grief, how we feel like we just can’t go on, we still make a difference in this world and we can go on with the Lord’s help. We need you to do your part and continue to make a positive difference in people’s lives. I am walking through grief myself, my friend, and I know it’s really rough. But I know the Lord is near, and with His help, you and I – and all of us grieving – we will ALL get through this. I am praying for you.
Mae January 21, 2022 at 4:27 pm
I know it’s been a long time since you posted this comment but I just wanted to tell you that I am so sorry for your loss and I hope you are doing okay. I lost my grandmother last year and have been miserable since her death as she was my one and only rock. She was like a mother, father, best friend and sibling. But I know that we will eventually meet our loved ones after we die. If you want someone to talk to (email redacted – contact site admin)
tammy March 14, 2021 at 3:59 pm
my mom passed in feb due to covid my sisters told me not to call her just text so she can save her strength and come home faster they acted like she was walking out of the hospital when my mom texted out if the blue i felt as if her mental state got the best if her she wanted to come home i told my sisters and they disregarded what i said next thing i know they call she is going home on hospuce and then a day later she passed my head couldnt wral around it fast enough my mom was the glue thaf kept me and my brother tied to our family and not even a month gone and her husband wants her stufc out if her house its too much for me noone seems to think anything is wrong with that im so mad angry then tgey act as if im taking everything cuz im some kinda of leech in reality im taking it cuz im not ready for them to gice her stuff away or throw whatecer away they turn tbings around when in reality theh went thru what they wanted but want to be messy with me and act as if im looking for sonething or i want everything how do i even cope with thrm and this so divided at a time i thought we would come together its a sadder vision that my mom has to see such rivalry at this time of grief
Anon March 9, 2021 at 7:38 am
It’s a small sort of consolation to know I’m not the only one to experience this gutting grief, this ever-expanding void, this endless pain that only becomes more unbearable each subsequent day. It seems each of us is struggling to keep going through our own versions of it.
My husband, my best friend, a brilliant, compassionate, Renaissance man in all senses of the word, passed away in my arms five weeks ago after a courageous nine month fight with cancer.
I held his beautiful body in my arms and kissed his heart long after it stopped beating. I reminded him that he is so loved by so many, and that I would see him again when he wakes up.
I’m a widow at 30.
The world used to be full of opportunity, promise, optimism and adventure, and now it feels alien, hostile and devoid of any happiness or true comfort. I don’t know my place in it anymore. I would give anything to just have the quiet comfort of lying in bed next to him, reading McCullough or Tuchman and occasionally sharing passages from our books with each other.
There are no words that could capture the grief and loss, there are also no words that could capture the joy of life that was witnessed in him. My joy for life, something we both shared, died with my Love.
Anon August 27, 2021 at 12:24 am
I was searching the Internet, looking for comfort three years after losing my husband and best friend. Somehow, I found your beautiful note. I am terribly sorry for your loss. Truly. And I totally understand your emptiness.
My husband was also a Renaissance man. He touched so many lives. Including mine. I miss him everyday.
You are much younger than me. I pray that you will find peace in your life, knowing your husband is always with you,
Thank you for your post. I needed it tonight. God bless.
Cort Engelken March 8, 2021 at 6:47 pm
Thank you, ELEANOR HALEY! Yes, #4!! Four, 4! I got it immediately. I had no idea anyone else thought that!
Marie March 7, 2021 at 2:33 pm
I’ve lost my mother suddenly in february . I feel that it’s hard to find people to talk to. They say that it’s great to have a friend you can say everyone to and they listen and offort comfort. I haven’t found that around me, I though I would but I haven’t. You’re not even asking people to be there physically because of COVID but you send them messages and they don’t answer, they take days to answer and it lingers on and you have a feeling that they don’t know what to say and are avoiding you. I’m not asking for the magic answer, I just want them to be sympathetic, to share what they’ve learned from their past experiences with grief, to comfort me that things are gonna be ok. But they don’t do that.
I’ve turned to grief counseling because at least they are there but it’s hard to get an appointment because of covid, everyone needs support.
My best friend has lost both her parents, I thought she’d understand that i just need someone to talk to…
Jamila March 8, 2021 at 2:13 pm
I understand. I lost my husband unexpectedly last week and I have nobody. He was my rock. We didn’t have any kids and all I have left is the memory of what could of been. I had a failed suicide attempt and needed to have someone with in order to not be on a psych hold. My friend from hs came and brought me to her house but I feel much worse seeing her happy with her fiends and family. I wish GOD would take me to heaven too.
Kathy April 24, 2021 at 2:58 pm
I will be praying for you I’m so sorry for your loss. Please remember God loves you and he doesn’t want to see you hurt yourself. Just wanted to tell you a little about my family. We lost my husband November 2020. Now it’s myself and our three kids trying to figure life after losing our loved one. It’s so hard the loss plus we are not in good financial state. My husband was the provider and I stayed at home with the kids. Our oldest son is in the Army, my next son is a senior in high school and my youngest is our 15year old daughter freshman in high school. I also have an autoimmune disease that makes it hard for me to work. We have so much on our plate but feel so unfocused. I’m trying my best to get things accomplished and organized. We are married for 23 years he is my one and only. What do we do next? God bless and stay safe.
kelley andrews February 21, 2021 at 10:55 pm
My partner passed away November in his sleep epileptic fit. I can’t accept it it’s doesn’t seem right. I have kids and know they need me but I’m lost alone. Don’t have family apart from my dad but he’s not well his self. Iv helped do many but feel I have no one. I can’t bring him back and feel I’m dying inside
Isabelle Siegel February 22, 2021 at 2:03 pm
Kelley, I am so very sorry for your loss and for this pain you are experiencing. Please know that, no matter what, you are not alone. Perhaps you should reach out to a therapist trained in grief and bereavement, which you can find here: https://complicatedgrief.columbia.edu/for-the-public/find-a-therapist/. If you are thinking of hurting yourself, or even if you just need someone to talk with, please call the National Suicide Helpline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit their website where you can do a live online chat https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ All the best to you.
Jamila March 8, 2021 at 2:18 pm
I am with you. Please email me [EMAIL REMOVED] my husband was my rock and I have no family nor friends. A failed suicide attempt lead a friend from hs to come and take me to her house but all I see is her happiness and I feel worse. I attend a grief share group online once a week but it doesn’t help. Everyone in the group is just as sad and hopeless as me and even though there loss isn’t as recent as mine, they are all in the same place as me. I wish I could be in heaven bc the pain of every minute feels like hell.
Richard Blahut March 9, 2021 at 6:54 am
I’m so sorry for your loss.
I was 57 when my wife of 31 years died 3/9/19, she slipped, fell and hit her head and drowned taking a shower.
It’s hard, very hard; immediately I used her death as a opportunity to BETTER myself rather than BITTER myself. It’s very tough to set aside your emotions to mingle with other people throughout the day, it gets easier, but you don’t forget. I’m honest with people about my feelings and what I was going through. I also understand that she didn’t leave me, she had no choice… she died… and she still loves me as I love her.
Julie February 18, 2021 at 6:53 am
My partner died on 3rd Feb on a ventilator after fighting COVID for four weeks two in a coma. I am absolutely devastated and sob day and night I have nightmares of him struggling to breath and not coping when we FT as he spent a week in high dependency unit I couldn’t be with him. I was told he had 48 hours on 18/01 so went to say goodbye when he miraculously got through the following days, he was being taken off certain supports I was ecstatic only to have a 1am call on 03/02 he died four hours later I am traumatised by the whole experience and can not accept he won’t come home to me. We have our wedding in June this shouldn’t have happened.
Isabelle Siegel February 18, 2021 at 10:20 am
Julie, I am truly so sorry for your loss. I wish I could do something to take your pain away. It sounds like you’re not only grieving the loss of your partner, but also the loss of your future together. I recommend you check out this article: https://whatsyourgrief.com/loss-of-hopes-and-dreams/ I hear that you feel traumatized by this experience… This is so valid. Perhaps you could reach out to a therapist trained in grief and bereavement, which you can find here: https://complicatedgrief.columbia.edu/for-the-public/find-a-therapist/. Please know that, no matter what, you are not alone. All the best to you.
Jamila March 8, 2021 at 2:23 pm
I’m in your same shoes as I was only married for a few months before my husband unexpectedly passed away. Please email me [EMAIL REMOVED]
I have no friends or family my husband was my world and we were going to have a family and lots of plans and now all of that is dead too. Every minute is so hard I cry until I fall asleep and wake up and cry again. Horrible dreams I feel like I’m in hell. I had a suicide attempt and a friend from hs came and took me to her house but I feel like a burden I stay in the room and cry all day and seeing her happy with her family just makes me feel worse. I feel your pain
Darlene September 29, 2021 at 10:57 pm
My husband passed on June 9, 2021 suddenly. He had heart conditions but would not slow down. He had a quad bypass and rehab before this happened but he would not slow down. We were making a tiny house at my sons land and the plan was to live off grid.we also have a 45 yr old disabled daughter who loved the land . she was so looking forward to not living in a mobile home and living on the land. The month before my sons wife and 2 kids and my. Grandson. And wife and new baby left without even telling us. My love kept working anyway and it was very hot and by the time we got home, he was feeling shakey so he went to bed. The next morning he felt worse so he went to the hospital and by afternoon he was gone. Sepsis they said. We 3 are all that is left of our family. So the outcome is my son is on his land with buildings we can not finish. My daughter is with me in a mobile home court. The dream is gone, my husband is gone and sadness is all that is left of the dream.
Liz December 20, 2020 at 7:30 pm
I lost my husband of 38 years on August 3rd, 2020. I feel like so many of you that I am feeling worse and worse instead of feeling just a little better. I have reached out to our local hospice and have joined a hospice support group, have a hospice grief therapist and hospice volunteer. They have been great but the loneliness seems to be getting worse and worse to cope with and like some of you, I feel like what is the point and that I cannot go on without my husband. He was my rock also even with his disabilities. I miss his presence so much.
IsabelleS December 21, 2020 at 10:56 am
Liz, I’m so very sorry for your loss. I’m glad to hear that you are seeking out the support you need to navigate this. It sounds as though you are doing an excellent job of advocating for yourself and for your needs. This is no small task, so give yourself a pat on the back for taking these steps. Experiencing such extreme loneliness while grieving is so normal and valid. You may want to check out this article: https://whatsyourgrief.com/unique-loneliness-grief/ The What’s Your Grief community is here to support you and to show you that, no matter what, you are not alone. If you are thinking of hurting yourself, or even if you just need someone to talk with, please call the National Suicide Helpline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit their website where you can do a live online chat https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ All the best to you.
Liz December 26, 2020 at 9:23 pm
Thank you, Isabelle, for suggesting the article on loneliness. I found it helpful to not I am not alone in my feelings and thank you for your comment on my seeking help.
Marie Martin January 17, 2021 at 3:25 pm
I lost my husband on December 26th due to covid19 . He got it from a
Adult daycare A worker pasted to him. Now he is dead. And they do
Not care. I am all alone
Isabelle Siegel January 18, 2021 at 9:48 am
Marie, I’m so sorry for your loss and for the pain you are being made to endure. I hope you know that, no matter what, you are NOT alone. The What’s Your Grief community is here to show you that. I recommend you check out these resources: https://whatsyourgrief.com/what-does-grief-feel-like/ and https://whatsyourgrief.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/04/Grief-Covid-Document.pdf All the best to you.
Priscilla J Parsons February 17, 2021 at 6:24 pm
Hello Liz I am deeply sorry for your loss. I was married 42 years and my husband’s caretaker. Although I was tired I thought I wouldn’t have it any other way to have him back again. Truth is he suffered and needed his rest. He was real tired but he took everything that came with courage and the fight for life. Like you I miss my husband and I want him back. My faith in the resurrection comforts me. Jesus showed us that he has the ability and will bring them back again John 5:28,29 and Rev 21:3,4. My husband fought to live even in his pain to the very end and he would want me to do the same. You can see him again Liz. Live although it may be painful but know because of his love he would want you to. Embrace the memories dont be afraid to cry, laugh, talk about him. Take one day at a time. Do things that you can find comfort in.
Isabelle Siegel February 18, 2021 at 10:35 am
Priscilla, I just wanted to say that I am so sorry for your loss. Your strength and ability to remain true to your faith are inspiring. Thank you for taking the time to comment and to share your story. All the best to you.
Naomi November 22, 2020 at 12:21 pm
Thank you for writing this post. It’s the first that just felt like someone else might understand the compounded griefs my family and I have experienced the last couple years.
We lived through a huge natural disaster. Then had to leave the country we were living in. Then my baby girl was born with a terminal genetic disorder and died on March 1. Since then we have had to move three times and had to evacuate because of fires once. I have no idea what our future holds since Covid and visas are making it impossible to get back “home”.
All of this on top of Covid has felt so overwhelming and it sometimes does feel lonely when people talk about how hard Covid and all the political unrest has been for them. Because everything was already feeling overwhelming for is before Covid hit.
Anyways, thank you for listening.
IsabelleS November 23, 2020 at 12:49 pm
Naomi, I am truly so sorry for the multiple losses you have experienced. You are so strong to be navigating this with such grace. I recommend you check out this article: https://whatsyourgrief.com/cumulative-grief-aka-grief-overload/ All the best to you!
My puppy died November 1, 2020 at 3:56 pm
Can very much relate to this comment. I had been suffering from disability that left me housebound for years before the pandemic and had the same thing happen with people.
NOW there are people online experiencing the isolation and grief my illness brought to me years ago and it makes me soooo furious. They never cared for me in the same situation and won’t even admit the error or reach out to me now.
Before all this I also experienced CPTSD from abuse. So I had been suffering physically and mentally for a long time alone.
Then I bought a puppy to be my friend and he DIED during the pandemic. Now it’s so hard to find another puppy and I’m just filled with more loss.
I’m furious and just so incredibly sad. Everyone needs a high dose of empathy. I hoped the pandemic would bring that but actually as you said it just made people MORE selfish and focused on their own fears. They didn’t learn a thing.
Then there are awful people who seem to be getting through life just fine. Many of them of course are anti-mask because while they are being jerks they also want to endanger the less fortunate just to rub salt in the wounds. Of course they have good immune systems as generally that seems to be the bias of life as I’ve experienced it.
I am glad you are putting more energy on yourself and not those people – as people like us really need more TLC and not those who don’t care. Dont be another person exploited for your conscientious nature. You deserve so much better and deserve to be properly loved.
My puppy died November 1, 2020 at 3:27 pm
My puppy died suddenly of a seizure during this pandemic. I was already isolated because of a chronic illness – that separated me from most friends and family. Then the pandemic hit which furthered my isolation without support. I had saved up for years for a puppy. He was my dream puppy and brought lots of joy into my bleak world. Then he suddenly died and there’s only one other human being to share this experience with. I’m still physically ill and now I sit up in bed in my house that feels like a prison and don’t even have a dog to comfort me.
Due to the pandemic so many people have been adopting and buying dogs so the demand is very high. There are still some small-large dogs available but I’m only allowed to keep a small dog in my rental. On top of that the vet bills wiped my savings so I don’t even know if I could afford one now even if they miraculously showed up.
I do feel that bitterness as someone dealing with severe illness that people didn’t show much concern for my isolation or situation. It’s really stung to hear about everyone whinging now it has happened to them for a few months when tbe chronically ill and some disabled endured being housebound for years. It absolutely stinks and I doubt this will be a wake up call to treat the world’s most vulnerable better. In fact there are crazy anti-maskers rubbing their disdain for the wellbeing of others into our face.
I’m so angry and sad about all the injustice of this and the many losses in my life. People may not have cared about me, but the plight of my little puppy was certainly not fair and he enjoyed being in my life.
My only hope is people learning some damn compassion.
K November 13, 2020 at 11:51 pm
I’m so sorry to hear your puppy died. Our fuzzy angels bring us so much comfort, companionship and joy. I hate that this happened to you, especially during such an already difficult time and with your other difficult circumstances. Im thinking of you and hoping things get better.
Trinity October 15, 2021 at 2:31 pm
I’m so sorry about your puppy. They are our family and often they are better than the people we meet in life. You have every right to grieve this little life gone too soon. Your pup was lucky to have someone who loved him so much.
Lonely October 17, 2020 at 8:24 pm
Along time since the last post to this article yet everything still is true… covid still causing isolation and compounded grief. Lost the love of my life 3 years ago after a 6 month battle with an incurable disease. We had been together for 35 years and married for almost 28 years when he died unexpectedly. My out of state 85 year old mom became my rock. She was in great health, active, and loving. We talked twice every day and I visited her 4 or 5 times a year. I spent birthdays and holidays with her so I wouldn’t be alone on those difficult days. Her husband (my step dad of20+ years died unexpectedly in January 2019) so we helped each other. Then mom had an unexpected stroke in August of this year and died in September. Covid restrictions are still in place with new spikes in cases… no funeral, not hugs from friends, etc.
Now in addition to the grief of losing my mom, I am feeling so alone and grieving for my husband all over again. He would have helped me though my grief of losing my mom, and I wouldn’t have the isolation of living alone during Covid…
my heart goes out to all who are grieving during this difficult time. The article and comments helped me realize I’m not the only one feeling overwhelmed with grief and so incredibly sad and alone.
IsabelleS October 19, 2020 at 11:18 am
Thank you for taking the time to comment! I am so glad that this article and comment section has communicated to you that, no matter how lonely you feel, you are not alone. My heart goes out to you!
Jamila March 8, 2021 at 2:29 pm
I feel you pain. I have nobody since my husband died and I feel like life is not worth living. Not in constant turmoil every second that’s no way to live
Lost August 24, 2020 at 10:26 pm
I am gutted. My husband died, tomorrow it will be 5 months, of cancer, and I feel worse than before. I am broken.
John Bloom August 29, 2020 at 11:32 am
I can totally sympathize with your pain my fiance past 3 weeks ago so my grief is still fresh having some really really bad days I have a lot of pleasant memories seeing as how we were together for 27 years when I’m feeling really down I just try to think of the good memories as difficult as that sounds it seems to help me just a little I also went back to work to get out of that empty house I’m hoping that your pain subsides sooner than later have a wonderful day sorry for your loss
Lisa jones September 13, 2020 at 2:59 pm
I understand exactly how you feel, I’m sitting here reading this thread with tears running down my face. My husband died only four weeks ago. He had multiple sclerosis and I was his carer for 15 years, in the later years with carers four times a day. Now there’s nothing! I don’t have my soul mate, my son has just gone off to uni there are no carers no drs no nurses coming in and out of the house, which I would gladly endure to to the end of time to have my husband back home. I am feeling utterly lost we were together for 31 years he died so young only 49 years of age and I see no future without him. I’m heartbroken I’m feeling worse every day.
Carol Jsmes January 21, 2021 at 8:00 pm
I am so sorry for your pain. I empathise. I cared for my husband for 10 years befir he died 10 months ago. The pain now is worse than at first. Life keeps going on around us as we are lost in pain. I can’t think of anything to make you feel better, but i share a broken heart with you. I am looking for a purpose in my life for a reason to continue. I hope you find a purpose as well.
Kellie hunt July 14, 2021 at 6:14 pm
I lost my partner , best friend and soulmate a month ago today was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer which had already matasasize to his liver and lungs.
Because it’s so early days for me I have no advice to give of how to get through each day my days are empty feel hollow and have intense feelings of sadness I guess I posted to let others know your not alone
David July 14, 2020 at 8:21 pm
My husband Tom was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer on April 2, 2020 and was admitted to the hospital, but due to the quarantine, they only let me see him twice in ten days..it was so hard to just find out and then he was taken away. They moved him to hospice on the 13th, and I got to spend the last week with him.. he passed away on April 21, 2020. everything about this post resonates with me….The utter shock of finding out and then being all alone and trying to grieve and plan a funeral during the pandemic is something that will always be hanging over the awful experience of loosing partner of love of 23 years..I have had support and friends call and talk to me all the time, but the utter isolation from everyone and no hugs have been the kind of crazy experience you would not believe could actually happen, until it does.
I will say reading this post and all the comments have given me comfort knowing I am not alone in this, and the feeling lost and scared on top of the grief is something we all are feeling..
Prayers and LOVE to everyone going through this.
Ron M June 24, 2020 at 4:09 pm
My wife of 34 years died just over a year ago after spending 4 months in a nursing home being treated for pancreatic cancer. We both realized she was dying, but never took time to talk to each other about it. One day she asked me what will I feel and will it hurt when I die? I held her and cried never being able to say anything. She passed a few days later, much sooner than I imagined she would, while I was sleeping. I still have awful feelings of guilt because we never talked. I go to grief conciling every week. It sure helps, and look forward to it. Now it is on Zoom . Grief is an awful thing
Jo Ainsworth April 15, 2020 at 11:47 am
My husband passed away unexpectedly just before Christmas. I’m feeling several different emotions currently during this virus. I’m alone dealing with this crisis which magnifies the feeling of despair and the fact that if he was here I know everything would be better. We loved being together and each other’s company and it wouldn’t seem so lonely. The family support network is now only virtual I can’t see them or hug them. The overriding emotion is to do with his treatment in hospital and by doctors prior to his admission. I was working up to putting something in writing which I feel I can’t now do due to the hero status of our health care workers. It makes me feel angry because he was so let down and guilty because my personal experience makes me want to shout out when everyone is clapping for the NHS where were you when we needed you. I know this is irrational and I am joining in with the weekly clapping as this is bigger than me but it’s hard and I am very conflicted.
Donna April 13, 2020 at 12:54 pm
Thank you for the article. It helped me make some sense of how I was feeling. I lost my “rock” 5 months ago to a sudden heart attack while we were vacationing on St. Barts. He said “I’ll be right back” and walked down the street and I never saw him again. It was a week before my birthday and 2 weeks before our first anniversary. I made him wait 8 years to get married because I didn’t want to get married again after my awful first marriage. As I write this I start to feel a little better because I’m remembering how much fun we had. I feel adrift without my “rock” because he would know exactly what to do. I’m grateful for this website because you know how I feel and it’s normal.
Jamila March 8, 2021 at 2:32 pm
I wish I had your strength. The memories I have only bring me pain and agony
Jeanette Taylor April 10, 2020 at 4:38 pm
Hello all, so sad to be reading all these people’s different stories of their grief.
I myself have to deal/cope with this emotional feeling. In Dec 17 my father passed away after a 2year battle with Cancer. The day he passed was very unexpected as he was in a good place the day before. Questions asked, no answers given, although we thought something wasn’t quite right. We just accepted my Dad had gone. To make it all worse my Dad wasn’t only Dad, he was Mam too. As our so called mother abandoned 4 of us aged 6 (myself) 5,4 and my 6 month old sister. I admire him so much for keeping us all together though it must have been an emotional & heartbreaking time for him. I love & miss you every day Dad. ?
Little did I know that 8 months later (Aug 18) worse was to come. My son aged 35 passed away suddenly with Epilepsy (Status Epilepticus).? My world collapsed and I just wanted to die myself in my grief. He was working away down London when this happened (We live up north east uk) and had lain in his room for at least 24 hrs before he was found. This breaks my heart even more to think he was all alone and no one knew. Ironically he roomed above a pub in digs near his work, which would have been full of people on a Saturday night and still he was alone. I can’t get this thought out of my head. The last time I saw him was the week before (30 July 18) when I dropped him off at the train station to go back down London to work. Little did I know then that that goodbye & be careful were the last words I would ever say to him. I now hate birthdays, mother’s day, Xmas anything we used to celebrate together as we always did as a family. As my Son was a big part of them all. As my Daughter says ‘ He was so colourful & unique ‘ and he certainly was. One big plus ( if there can be such a thing in these circumstances) is that my Son had a little boy of his own who was only 4 when his Dad passed away. He brings me so much joy & happiness that it warms my aching heart. Although at the moment I cannot see him due to the restrictions and can’t usually seem him as often as I would like as he now lives over 30 miles away. I do try to have him most weekends normally and we often go to his Dads memorial to lay new flowers. So heartbreaking but I feel they should be near each other whenever possible. My Son idolised his little boy and the feeling is definitely mutual. He says his Daddy is an Angel in the daytime & a big shining star at night. God love him.
God bless all of you going through these terrible emotions, emphasised more at the moment because of the current crisis.
Take care all & please be safe?
Robert Lewis April 6, 2020 at 3:15 pm
Thank you so much for these tips and all of the other people who shared their stories and why grief at this time is so much more amplified for those who have already lost loved ones. I co-facilitate a grief support group for fathers who have lost loved ones. This is valuable stories to share to help normalize some the feelings expressed by the men in my group with the Children’s Grief Center of NM.
Simon April 5, 2020 at 10:14 am
18 months ago my partner who I had been living with left me with her children. I never spoke to them again, although I had been living with them for years and treated them like my own. I loved my family very much
I never got an explanation. One day I had a family and the next day it just all disappeared. I tried to speak to her to find out what had happened but she refused to talk to me ever again – it was a shock as she had been so kind and loving up to that point , and a best friend.
I feel bad writing this on here, as I see so many of you have absolutely terrible experiences around death and it makes my heart weep. I feel wrong as though I should not be having grief when so many others are suffering
But reading the page about traumatic loss , I can only describe all of those effects, as something that I experienced, and am experiencing now. I feel ashamed that I am still suffering even though 18 months has passed
At the time of the loss, I was utterly confused . I thought that I would communicate with my partner again, if if the relationship was finished – to have some kind of explanation or resolution.
Even though I am a man, and we are not “supposed to cry”, I really wanted to get in touch with my sadness. I really would like to cry. I can only explain the first three months after the breakup as a form of madness – especially since I got no support. I felt I was going mad.
These especially resonate with me, from the page on “grief after traumatic loss”:
“People make comments that minimize grief, discourage expression of grief and discussion of loved ones, and push mourners to move on
The bereaved may feel they feel ashamed, abnormal, or weak because they continue to struggle”
I have really tried to move on. I am not a person that dwells. I keep my self busy , and in other circumstance , I enjoy life. I want a new partner, a new family – I am longing for this .
I think if I knew that the loss was as sudden and irreperable as it turned out to be , and I had the support to allow me to mourn or grief in a safe space, in order to accept that loss, I would not still be turned in knots even now. I hadnt considered this, until I read this page but I think I am traumatised by what happened, and I cant find a way to resolve this, I feel ashamed that I am using this word about myself, especially given that so many people have suffered such grevious events such as death of a loved one, I feel ashamed that I am belittling the concept and others grief.
And now, like so many others I am living alone day in, day out , trying to move on but haunted by the happy memories that make no sense to me given how things turned out
I hope it is ok that I shared – I feel no-one else can understand me
Carly Carpenter April 7, 2020 at 3:08 am
Oh, Simon. I truly understand. My husband took me to his mother’s funeral in a southern State from up North. Afterwards, he left me in our 5th wheel in an rv park with no way to haul it back home. My gold jewélry paid the rent. Not any reason said. Knew no one down here. After 10 years I still don’t know what happened or what I did. I feel so lost still. He had a teen daughter I loved. So we can’t be the only ones that had this abandonment. I certainly understand you.
Karen April 5, 2020 at 8:05 am
My husband died on March 7th after a 4.5 months complicated hospitalization for multiple brain hemorrhages caused by a rare AVM. We were together for 32 years. We were able to have his funeral services which I’m grateful for, but the next day quarantined. I feel like I am either in total denial or total despair and move through these two emotional states every day all day. I was hoping to begin to heal but feel trapped in a continuation of the my kids were in when he was in the hospital.
Kathleen April 3, 2020 at 6:57 pm
My husband of only four months died unexpectedly on February 20 due to complications following bifemoral aortic bypass surgery.
We met when I was 50 and he was 62. We’d both had a history of TERRIBLE marriages, and in fact bonded in part because we were both determined never to marry again.
But we were so, so good together that we knew we had to get married. He made me believe in love. For the first time in my life, I wasn’t scared. He was my best friend, the love of my life, and my reason for living.
And now he’s gone, and I’m completely alone, and I can’t bear it. It’s too much. All I want is to be with him, but my heart refuses to stop beating.
Grief counseling and therapy aren’t helping. Nothing helps.
Tomorrow is Doug’s birthday. I’ll spend it alone, like I spend every minute now.
It’s Hell. And I can’t escape it.
NB April 2, 2020 at 2:20 pm
This was such a helpful article and perspective. My husband had Parkinson’s (diagnosed in 2002), doing okay in the sense he could talk and walk, albeit slowly. He died very unexpectedly at the end of Dec. 2017. At the same time my adult son was in the midst of a severe depression which is since considerably better. He is living with me now. Between trying to care for my son and cope with my husband’s death it took me until almost the end of last year to feel that I wasn’t just walking around in a daze. I had retired in 2014 and decided in 2018 to go back to work part time as an educational consultant and educational therapist. Fortunately during everything going on today I am still able to work virtually as that is about the only time I really feel “okay”. Now I’m finding myself missing my husband more especially, as many have said, he was my rock even though much of the past years he was sick and in the hospital a lot for illness unrelated to but worsened by Parkinson’s. Reading what others are experiencing has been so important. Thank you.
Sarah Kilby April 2, 2020 at 11:58 am
My eldest son passed away on 15th March. I came out of 3 days of hell in an ic unit to a world that had changed.
Now isolating with my other son who is 12 and we’re both finding the lack of contact with others difficult.
I also lost my partner, the boys’ father in 2008. My grief will never end …
Cathy April 1, 2020 at 1:56 pm
My Mom passed away October 1st 2019, and she was 90. Long good life, but she was my rock, best friend.
I guess I thought she would always be here. My grief has come back and hit me full strength during this crisis. I feel as though she just passed. I just want to talk to her but in a way I’m glad she is not here to experience this as she lived during the depression and always had a fear of not having enough food.
She made me feel safe even at her age, I could tell her things that I can tell no one else. I feel all alone
Fiona Jane Torrance April 26, 2021 at 5:39 pm
Cathy, I am so very sorry you miss your Mom. My Mother died on 3 June 2019 and I understand a little bit how you might be feeling. Everyone mourns in different ways and I was really lucky to be able to speak to a grief counsellior. She suggested I write a letter to my Mother, telling her how I felt. You know it was really helpful. Take care of yourself, you are stronger than you think – you are her daughter after all.
With a bit of luck our Mom’s are never too far away from us. X
JANE MEGLIO March 30, 2020 at 1:22 pm
I am so glad to realize I am not going crazy feeling like I do. I lost my husband of 34 years almost a year ago, his year anniversary is coming up on April 18. I was getting so much better but being isolated it now feels as bad as it did last year. My children fir unknown reasons have been in contact much, some unresolved guilt about my husband I assume. As far as the military giving veterans help is not true. My husband was a totally disabled Vietnam Veteran and had to fight fir many years for his 100% disability with lawyers, he only had it fir not even two years and when he dies of service related Agent Orange diseases, they took it away and I had to fight for a part of it for 8 long months, so our Veterans are not treated well at all. I retired @ 70 years old last April 1st, thought it would be funny, but never thought he would die just 3 weeks later, he was doing well and all of sudden he died a horrific very painful and begging to die , I think he made of been over dosed with fentanyl in the nursing home he was in for only 5 days, was told he wouldn’t die from the internal hematoma, but he did! At least he wasn’t in pain any longer and we were able to have a funeral with full military honors and buried in Veteran’s Cemetery, which is very beautiful and peaceful. I was hoping to bring flowers on his first anniversary, but now with this this virus I doubt it will happen. Just wanted to thank you all for your stories they have really helped me to realize what and why I am feeling this way. Thank you ?
Jillian Bain March 30, 2020 at 2:57 am
My beautiful daughter died suddenly on 26th Dec, 2019 from a blood clot. She was 14 and the pist mortem could not determine what happened – she was healthy and happy. 3 mths of grief and now isolation with my 12 yr old son. My grief has magnified tenfold. I cannot stop crying for long, everything is upsetting me.
Allan Hutchison April 3, 2020 at 8:29 pm
I lost my 15 year old daughter to undiagnosed Type 1 diabetes on Dec. 29th 2019
I am crushed and know how you feel. So sorry for your lose. Being isolated because of the virus makes it even worse. Hope you can find a way through.
Anon March 29, 2020 at 6:36 pm
The part about resenting people for complaining about familiar grief feelings resonated with me in a way that surprised me. I am 26, and in the last 4 years I’ve lost my dad, both remaining grandparents, and my little brother. Through all of that, I was lucky to have friends who at least tried to understand, but most of them couldn’t relate, and some didn’t even try.
I’ve found myself very frustrated because the same people who were nowhere to be found when I reached out for their support during those rapid-fire losses are the same ones who want my help now. It’s a three-pronged annoyance:
1. It took a global pandemic for you to reach out.
2. You’re still more concerned with your feelings than anyone else’s.
3. While you left me to cope on my own, I learned to do just that. Now while I’m going about my business coping as usual, you’re disrupting that process by suddenly demanding my time and energy to help you manage YOUR feelings.
Until I read this article, I wasn’t able to pin this down as the reason for my annoyance, but it makes perfect sense. Going forward, I will try to be understanding of the fact that these people may be experiencing these feelings for the first time, but I’m also going to limit the amount of time and energy I invest in helping them. I have to save something for myself, too.
Hope everyone here is able to do the same <3
Cath. March 29, 2020 at 7:33 am
Thank you so much for this article. It made such a lot of sense of things I’ve been feeling but not understanding.
My little sister died of cancer in November, aged just 55, and I’ve been struggling with my grief ever since. But I’d started to be able to look at photos, as another lady has said, without instantly bursting into tears.
Not any more. My grief has suddenly multiplied and I feel like I’m back to square one.
Add in the fact that we live for most of the year in Italy, where we’re now seeing thousands and thousands of deaths, some of them friends. And then there’s worry about my elderly mother, the relentless media coverage, the frustration of health and other workers who are at risk, and the isolation from everyone else.
I’m torn. On the one hand I want to be able to ring my sister and talk about what’s happening, as I always would have done. On the other, I’m glad she didn’t have to deal with the stress of this at the same time as the stress of chemotherapy and all the emotional sadness of knowing for six months that she was going to die.
How am I coping? I’m not, really, just trying to get through one day at a time. Keeping in touch with my brother-in-law and young nephews via Skype. Working online to try to keep my mind occupied, and trying to join in with online choirs and chats. And I find my two dogs are an enormous comfort. They’ve become my therapy dogs, and they don’t even know it!
My heart goes out to everyone dealing with all the stresses this virus, combined with grief, brings.
Lorna Burns March 29, 2020 at 6:55 am
Thank you for this article, I thought I was the only one… My husband of 22 years passed suddenly 4 weeks ago today. The worst that can happen to me has already happened, without my husband my life is meaningless. Although I worry about my elderly parents at this time, as I now know how quickly and unexpectedly someone can die. I tried to take my own life and spent a week in ICU, where I had to face the reality of re discovering he had died ,all over again.
julie roadknight March 28, 2020 at 11:53 pm
thank you for this article. My husband died suddenly 5 months ago and i was wondering why i was experiencing an upsurge of my grief I used to be able to look at his photos but now i burst into tears everytime i look at one.
When you hear of the number of people who have died from this virus you cannot help but think of all the grieving people out there and I believe only people who have lost a loved one can really appreciate what they are going through.
again thank you
Linda March 28, 2020 at 11:43 pm
My husband of 37 years died on February 27, 2020. He was left as a quadriplegic after a botched spinal surgery last May 2019. even though he could not use his arms or his legs he still suffered with extreme pain every day until he finally went on hospice. Unfortunately the morphine caused him to have severe paranoia and hallucinations. So he had to always choose between being in severe pain or being anxious and fearful all the time. I cared for him by myself at home for many months until I just couldn’t do it anymore and Hospice finally said that it was just too much for me physically and emotionally. Over the nine months from after the surgery to today I have a very difficult time eating due to stress. I have lost 75 pounds which I didn’t mind losing a little, but now I’m unhealthy. I just wanted to keep him home with me as long as I could because I couldn’t stand to see him be so fearful all the time and when he was home with me he was a lot calmer and he wasn’t always asking where I was and when I was going to come in. He had always been the one to make me feel safe in my life and I don’t feel safe anymore.
I thank God for letting me be with him when he died. I had just played a recording that my brother had done for him that was just words kind of off-the-cuff similar to the words from the 23rd Psalm but it was more just him talking to Allen and saying you know about the journey that he would go on and that it was a journey that was worth taking and after Allen listened to that he went to sleep. I had just turned around to call a friend from our group at church and I turned back and noticed that he had stopped breathing. So I thank God also that he wasn’t in pain and he wasn’t fearful when he died those were the two things that I wanted the most.
Because we had to have him go on Longterm MediCal (we live in California) eventually, and with all their regulations I sold one of the two 2003 vehicles I was now using and most of our belongings so that I could continue to stay in the rental home we had. I had to get rid of my new puppy that I had just gotten before he went into surgery. She is a golden doodle and because I have mental health issues she was going to be trained to be a support dog for me. But, eventually with Medi-Cal taking all of his salary and part of my salary, we lost the rental home that we were in and I had to move into this little tiny dark apartment that I hate and I had to let somebody else adopt my puppy and I had to move away from my church and my friends. I know this sounds a lot like poor me but I feel like I’ve lost almost everything or really everything that meant anything in my life. I had just started going to a Grief Care class at my church that I thought was going to be really helpful and then this COVID-19 virus came along and everything shut down. So I’m alone in this apartment and I can’t concentrate to pay my bills or to do my taxes and I feel so alone. I go from being very depressed to being highly agitated and getting very angry at the people above me who play their music too loud or dogs barking, so I’ll go out on my patio and scream for the dogs to shut up. Yesterday and today were probably the worst days that I’ve had in the last two weeks. This isolation is starting to really get to me and I think I may need to contact my psychologist about going into a medical treatment center. I feel like I want to just pack up some bags and take the things that are really important to me that I do have left and to pack up the jeep then use the four-wheel-drive and go somewhere off road and just to be out in nature and be alone because I’m alone anyway, and just wait for this thing to be over with. I think that we’re looking at several months and I don’t think that I can make it here several months. I haven’t even had a chance to have a service for my husband. He was cremated and I have an urn so I’ll have him with me. I thought when I woke up this morning it was going to be a really good day but when one little thing goes wrong then it changes the whole trajectory of my day and I just don’t know what to do about it. So I know we are all hurting now and the isolation touches each of us differently. I feel for the people who have lost family members to suicide. I lost my father to suicide many years ago and that’s still painful.
I’m glad that somebody’s finally reaching out and realizing that there’s a whole group of people out here that need more support. I get really angry when I see people online complaining that they have to be in the house with their families and I just want to scream at them telling them to be thankful that they’re with their families. So, I should really say that when I do have good days I do a lot of praying and I have Christian music playing all the time in my apartment to drown out the noise of the thumping music that plays above my apartment. so I do have good days, but lately there’s been very few and that starts to worry me, so I’m thankful that somebody is paying attention to the fact that there’s a whole group of people out here in America who need some extra help right now. Thank you for giving us a place to share how we are feeling.
If things do get to be too much for me, I have a safety plan in place and know how and where to call or go to make sure I’m safe.
Eleanor Haley March 29, 2020 at 7:06 pm
Linda – I am so sorry everything feels so hard at the moment. I am especially sad to hear that the Grief Care group you were starting is no longer available. I don’t know if they will move anything to online, but I do know some programs are moving things to online platforms. We will be looking for ways to increase connection around here, so stay tuned. Sending good thoughts.
Wendy March 28, 2020 at 11:18 pm
My son died 4.5 years ago. My dog died 2 weeks ago. My birthday was march 16 the day everything shut down and I felt so overwhelmingly alone. I’ve had family and a dog around all my life until 2 weeks ago.
Thank you for the clarity of this article.
Diana Arnett March 28, 2020 at 7:33 pm
My husband of almost 50 years passed away a year and a half ago. We were so close and loved each other dearly. He had a lot of physical and mental problems but, he was my rock and he made me feel so safe when he was here. I have been feeling so much worse lately because of this crisis. I thought it was just me. Your article made me feel not so alone. Thank you!
Roslyn Ridgeway March 28, 2020 at 7:08 pm
It is 8 months now, after 43 years of being together, since my husband died. All these messages all show the depths of our feelings and the affect the virus has on our feelings of grief and emotions. It has been with great difficulty BUT because I have worked so hard emotionally the past few months to not let my grief drag me down into an abyss that I have decided I will NOT let this corona virus take everything away again . It is hard work emotionally but we can do this and not let ourselves feel the despair . Remember the good memories and keep finding pathways through the bad times .
John Merrill March 28, 2020 at 6:21 pm
My girlfriend of 20 years passed away on 1-19-20 . She had MD, Neuropathy, and Fibromyalgia. Her Neurologist diagnosed her a little over 20 years ago with a rare form of MD–with her other health problems he said she could live 10, 15, 20 more years. When her walking started being affected, she used a cane, a walker, a wheel car then unfortunately became bedridden 8 years ago. I became her live-in Caregiver pretty much 24/7. I stuck with her thru some pretty tough times with her having other health problems also. She died during the night and i found her not breathing. Despite my knowing she would die at some point and time, I was totally unprepared when she passed away because she had not complained about not feeling good etc. so this is why I was shocked. I have really had a really hard time with depression–she was my very best friend along with being my girlfriend. God probably didn’t want her to suffer anymore and took this angel to Heaven. I was with her as she went from using a walker, and then to a wheelchair before she became bedridden. She fought her disease as long as she could before having to give in and become bedridden. I watched her go thru painful times, and was simply amazed and so thankful for fighting as hard as she did. She was a beautiful person inside and out, was very caring and loving, and was a super Christian–because of this, I know that Heaven is a better place. Our dog was put to sleep 9 months ago which I had not gotten over, so this hasn’t helped my depression. I know she is happy with no pain, no problems etc., and she is there with her family, friends, my relatives she met over the years etc. But she also is probably at The Rainbow Bridge playing tug of war with her dog which he loved for her to do with him. Despite my knowing she is in Heaven, I am just grieving very much and am no better than 1-19 when she died–I am hurting very much and really miss her every second and hour of the day.
carol March 28, 2020 at 6:03 pm
My husband died in Dec of 2018 on my birthday. I had had a back surgery that did not go well. Basically since then I do not go out often because of the pain I am in. I cannot walk around stores or go for a walk and I was so active before. I did not drive for months! Not only did I lose him but I lost the life I knew. I have been pretty isolated since then, but friends did come to visit that can’t now. Some of my friends do not understand and now they will indicate they don’t know how they can deal with this. ..and they still have their husbands with them. My husband was in a nursing home when he passed and I am so thankful he’s not there because before my surgery I was going there every day, and now I would not be able to – both physically and because of the regulations due to the virus. Since this came about I feel more afraid. It’s not like he was here and could help me, but I tend to picture him as he was before he got Parkinson’s. He was my “safety net.” I have to remind myself how hard it would be to be caregiving right now (as I did before he went to the nursing home). I think it’s just an emotional time for everyone and we start looking back on our lives and thinking how we never dreamed we would experience anything like this. I am so glad you touched on this subject because I didn’t expect to have these feelings come up.
P. Green March 28, 2020 at 5:47 pm
I feel the senseless loss of two beautiful people. An elderly couple who were taken care of by my family members who flouted the precautions and warnings related to the coronavirus. Instead, they chose to subscribe to the nonsense of a notorious far-right news station, declaring the virus as a hoax.
I encouraged safe strategies be unertaken for the couple. My pleas were ignored and precautions were not taken. In one weekend, they died with the virus. I do not live closeby so it was hard to intervene.
I loved the couple and considered them famil after 35 years of a close relationship. I feel worse, in that I feel their loss could have been prevented. ?
John March 28, 2020 at 5:29 pm
Thank you! I can relate to all the reasons listed. My wife of 40years died on Feb 12th, I never knew grief could be like this, luckily I have kids and grandkids that stay in touch. Now with the pandemic, and everybody staying home, it seems that things would be worse, and sometime it is, but there is so much craziness going on in the world, and so many people are dying by themselves and not able to have funerals etc…in a weird way we were fortunate she dyed when she did. We were all together. I feel so sorry for those that were not,
Shellie Link March 28, 2020 at 5:23 pm
My husband of 38 years died in September 2019 after an 8 month struggle with cancer. We also lost a 26 year old son 5 years ago to suicide. Our son died in his room in our home, which I still live in at this writing. Coping with those two deaths is devastating enough, but now I cannot escape by visiting friends and coming and going freely because of this damned virus. I am less afraid of the virus than I am of acute anxiety, depression, mental collapse and breakdown. I was an optimist, full of hope; now I dread each day.
Bethany March 28, 2020 at 6:37 pm
My name is Bethany. I am so sorry for the loss of your husband and your son. Your comment caught my attention because I too lost my 22 year old daughter to suicide, July 26, 2018. I still have my husband and I cannot imagine the way you are feeling with the loss of both. What I can relate to, besides the loss of our children, is the fear you have of the mental breakdown, anxiety and depression. Far more frightening than any virus, especially for those of us who know how debilitating depression and anxiety can be.
I have major depressive disorder, for which I take medication. When my daughter, our only child, passed away, I truly thought I would never survive, let alone live again and know joy again. I started to slip away into that dark place over the past month and have fought to not go there. I fear mostly that should I go in that bad place, I won’t make it out again. I tried to figure out what, besides the COVid19 crisis isolation, have I been doing or NOT doing these past few weeks. I’m crying a lot more, several times each day, sleeping a lot more, and not reading GODS word as often as I was prior to the virus.
I know for a fact that only GOD can give me what I need to keep me from fading away. Even though I don’t feel much like praying or reading my Bible, I know from the early days of losing my daughter, when I couldn’t barely walk or breathe, I forced myself to talk to GOD and stay in HIS word. In the beginning I didn’t notice HIS presence, though I knew HE must be somewhere near me, HE wasn’t answering my questions. Or so I thought. Long story short, for the first 9 months of my daughters death, GOD was working on me and changing me in amazing ways that I never dreamed possible.
I started reading my Bible again and talking to GOD several times throughout my day. Though I can’t realize the many ways that GOD is keeping me above water, ( you know, can’t see the forest for all the trees?) just knowing that HE is faithful, never changing and that HE loves me, is really all I need to know. Trust Him and when you don’t know what else to do or say, say, “I trust you Lord!”
My prayers are with you Shellie. Reading your words and knowing the grief of losing a child to suicide is a common factor between us, has helped me feel much less alone. I hope you don’t mind my writing to you. Remember that GOD is in control and HE knows what is best for us, even though we don’t understand the reasons why, HE does.
God bless you and keep you in His loving hands.
Karen March 28, 2020 at 4:52 pm
My honey passed 9 months ago. Tomorrow is his birthday. Married 47 years. I may have handled much due to his disability, but he was my rock. I was special to him. He knew me as well as I knew him. We could finish each other sentences. But most of all, he made me laugh. Through thick n thin he was funny. I think being in this situation is being alone with no physical touch of another human is the absolute worse. It may be why people in hospitals are suffering so much. We were not meant to live isolated. Especially after a long marriage. I miss my kids and my grands. I want hugs and kisses. I just want to hold hands. I’m sad and alone even with friends and family. I miss church. I pray but feel even distanced from my God at times.
Gail Earman March 28, 2020 at 4:45 pm
I lost my wife 3 months ago today and have hardly begun to recover. Then add this damn virus and all the isolation everyone has to abide by, it just magnifies an already very difficult time in my life. I can barely function no matter how I try, but there is no one to talk to, no one who cares because everyones thoughts are on themselves. I don’t blame them, I just realize how unimportant someone who is grieving alone is now abandon. I hurt so bad and no one cares any more. 3 mo. is not very long to be left alone & abandon. Your article hit every feeling. Thank you for that.
Janet Bucknell March 28, 2020 at 4:34 pm
So many similar feelings. In my third year without my beloved husband. I’m surprisingly in the early stages of a new relationship. So confused. Missing by husband more than ever, whilst at same time missing my ‘new’ man. Very upsetting.
Stay safe all x
GaryB March 28, 2020 at 4:22 pm
Dealing with all this without my wife of 38 years who passed away in 2018-totally BLOWS!
She was always the solid one that would make everyone else around her feel fine.
It just highlights the loss even more making as I enter year 2 even worse than last year.
This is never going to get better is it?
Tina Derke March 28, 2020 at 4:06 pm
My husband died two years ago on April 3. I have been dealing with the grief, climbing out of the trenches, trying to live with the loss. When this caronavirus shut down hit, I was faced with handling it all alone and the grief and fear escalated. My son lives across the country so I worry about him constantly. I want him here with me. I want my husband here with me. I cannot tolerate even hearing jokes about couples getting on each other’s nerves. I know we would have considered it a plus to hunker down together and enjoy each other through it. And I would be far less fearful and stressed. I am trying not to resent everyone having someone with them when I am all alone!
Naishia, Curtis's daughter. April 2, 2020 at 5:57 pm
My name is Naishia. I lost my dad on November 2nd, 2019 and today makes five months. And on the 6th, it’ll be his 46th birthday. I noticed that tomorrow will be your husband’s anniversary so I wanted to reach out and spread some love and encouragement your way. I’m still here, wondering how I’ll be when it hits a year, or two, or ten. And then I read blogs, and comments, and talk to those from my support group that have lost their loved one over a year ago and I see that the grief is still so powerful. And that scares me but one thing that I see a lot, and I seen in your comment, is that no matter how hard grief gets over time, you are still standing. At one point, I was ready to take my life. I was so ready to end the pain. I feel your pain and I know how extreme it really is but Tina, YOU ARE STILL STANDING! Your are still surviving every single unbearable day. Even if most of those days are filled with so much pain and sorrow, you still wake up every single day and get through it. I don’t know if you’ve heard this recently, but I want to tell you that I am proud of you. And you inspire me, you showed me that I can and I will continue to get through these painful days of grief. I hope tomorrow your husband sends you nothing but love from the beautiful sky above. I will pray for you tonight. May God, or the universe, whichever you believe in, sends you nothing but strength to tackle another painful day. Your are strong Tina, you are brave, you are beautiful. May tomorrow and the rest of your days be filled with some sort of joy and peace.
Gillian Wen March 27, 2020 at 7:57 pm
My Dad died on March 1st. Dealing with that and friends and family spread across Western Canada and England was stressful enough but then Corona ramped up the stress. I’m told that I was lucky we buried him when we did because the next day all burials were cancelled and we wouldn’t have been able to have a Celebration of Life with over 40 people. I DON’T feel lucky. Though after reading the message of the person who was caught on the other side of the cutoff I feel deep sympathy for her and her family. I still don’t feel lucky but relieved that it isn’t worse. My personal crisis is lost amongst the wider chaos.??
Dira McClintock March 27, 2020 at 2:17 am
yesterday I was angry that you and others were calling peoples response to Cover-19 was like grief, I felt it minimized by grief, but today I see it.. because my grief is waving back, hope it doesn’t become a tsunami. Yes to all your examples, for me the biggest is the loneliness. I have kept myself very busy, physically, socially, mentally over the last year or so to help contain the grief thoughts to a few hours a day.. Now I am here alone and have too many hours to think about my grief.. feeling sorry for myself and guilty about that because so many have it worse.. But on the other hand jealous of others who at least have their husbands at home, during this time. someone to talk to, watch a movie with, play cards with, garden with, make cookies with.
Wynn August 14, 2020 at 9:29 am
I know how you feel. My husband died suddenly on 15th Dec 2019. I thought I was coping ok until now I feel overwhelmed with grief. I feel sad when my friends are going out for drives here and there. I used to do that a lot with my husband. Taking the dog to our favourite beauty spot and having a bite of lunch somewhere. Now I feel shut in . No laughs or banter. You can’t live with someone for 56 years and not miss them greatly. I hope it gets better for us.
Debbie Buckley March 26, 2020 at 2:39 pm
My husband passed away in December. These points are really ringing true with me. It’s good to realise that there are others feeling like this. Thank you Claire for sharing this article
Tammy Dewberry March 26, 2020 at 2:09 pm
My husband of 32 years passed away March 20th, less than a week ago. His funeral was immediate family only. We have been isolated in our grief with none of the usual support. No one can come hug us, no one can bring food, nothing. I had to tell my mother and sister to stay home so they didn’t risk carrying the virus back with them. It’s a very lonely place to be. I was upset about his funeral but I suppose it will only get worse now for those who lose loved ones. At least there was a funeral and at least I had the family we built with me. His sons and adult grandson had to act as his pallbearers because no one else could come. It’s all just so hard.
Carole March 26, 2020 at 1:32 pm
Thank you for sharing what I’ve been feeling. My husband passed away 10 months ago and this pandemic has made it seem like yesterday. All the feelings have resurfaced along with some new ones. His absence has been magnified by the self isolation. I often think about what our reality would have been a year ago if the pandemic had hit – many hospital visits, hospitalizations, treatments, and the funeral. All of that would look different today. So if there’s a silver lining in all of this it’s that he and I don’t have to walk the horrible journey that some are walking with this virus on top of a terminal illness.
I do believe the absence of having to go to work and do the “daily routine“ has opened up space in my brain to process some of the grief that I must have put on a shelf. Perhaps another silver lining ?♀️
Be kind to yourself everyone and let the feelings happen. They’ll move through you and somehow that then feels better.
Morgan March 27, 2020 at 12:38 pm
Wow, Carole. Pretty much every word of this feels like I could have written it. You describe all the feelings I’ve been having exactly. My husband died in January after a battle with cancer and I relate to every single word you wrote. Thank you for sharing. ❤️
Brandi March 26, 2020 at 12:53 pm
Thank you for this!
I am a little over a year into my grief after losing my husband suddenly. He was absolutely my ROCK and voice of reason so it’s been extremely hard to navigate this crisis without him. I think I am experiencing all of these! I just haven’t been able to voice all that I feel but this helps me to understand my thoughts and anxieties. I will come back and re-read this every chance I get.
Natalie March 26, 2020 at 10:57 am
Thank you, this validates my thoughts
My exhaustion is from me using so much energy trying to be ok, its like I was 3 years ago.
I wonder what my late husband would have done in this situation, however I have no answer to this question.
louise March 26, 2020 at 10:51 am
I can totally relate to most of the above points. I was already very angry that I lost my Dad and best friend 3 weeks ago to cancer but now I’m even more angry and upset that damn Corona virus is ruining the funeral plans .
Angela March 26, 2020 at 10:44 am
Suddenly people are now checking that myself and kids are ok when 8months on most had disappeared and carried in with their own lives!
Cathy March 26, 2020 at 10:04 am
I relate to this one: You’re acutely aware that you’re living through this thing your loved one probably never could have imagined.
I’ve felt it several times, including when Trump was elected and when there have been big happenings with our kids.
Leigh Rippon March 26, 2020 at 6:51 am
Please add people are suddenly confronting an awareness of mortality, yet this is an awareness that we have carried since we lost our loved ones.
Also its OK not to feel OK.
Take care x
Patti March 26, 2020 at 6:37 am
Yes!! I get so frustrated when I see troops returning from a six month deployment and the people acting like oh my God I had to hold my breath this whole time. I’ve had to be mom and dad to the kids this whole time. And on and on. How about those of us who had to do it for over 20 years now by ourselves, while none of you had any empathy or offered us a helping hand… Raising our kids alone, worrying about who will take care of my children if I have to have emergency surgery, etc. And oh, isn’t the military 100% voluntary?? And doesn’t the military do all kinds of stuff to support you as the family that the rest of us don’t get to enjoy? So they signed up on purpose… They knew they would be away… You knew they would be away… And the odds were very strong that they would be coming back to you alive.
Beth March 26, 2020 at 6:57 am
Are you bashing on the military? I’m a widow of someone who died of a service related disability and the military and government have not been good to me and just like the civilians that were in our lives pretty much everyone abandoned me when they couldn’t deal with my grief.
Rosali March 26, 2020 at 5:36 am
To me, it’s extra hard not being able to have a decent funeral for my mom. She died shortly before Corona really turned our world upside down but we had to postpone the funeral, not knowing when we are gonna be able to let it take place. It upset me last week when I had to make the decision – while I have gotten more used to it by now. But still, it feels like the grief of going through the funeral is out there … waiting for me … in an uncertain amount of time.
Thank you, Litsa and Elenor, for this page. It has helped me deal with all the aspects of grief. Virtual hugs from Germany Xx