The Problem with Quick Judgments - in Grief and Online

I've just made the mistake of reading Facebook comments on a local news article detailing a tragic event that led to a man's death. All I can say is yuck, yuck, yuck. What is it about comment sections that invites people to write the absolute worst things they can think of? 

If you're doing Facebook right and continuing to derive benefit from it, please share your secrets because I often walk away feeling…disconcerted. Though I must say, even when we posted more regularly on Facebook, the people on our page were generally lovely, as WYG community members are 98 percent of the time. Many of you are going through some of the worst losses, yet you're kind and compassionate with us and with others in the community. So thank you, thinking about you has now restored some of my faith in online interactions.

All that aside, my scroll through Facebook has reminded me of a concept I've been meaning to share, as it somewhat explains the blaming and disenfranchising comments that grieving people encounter in life and online. Knowing about it could help support people to stop and think a little, which won't solve the immediate problem if you're on the receiving end of some harmful commentary, but I guess Rome wasn't built in a day.

The Fundamental Attribution Error

The concept I want to share is simple, and it's called the "fundamental attribution error".

This concept describes how people judge the behavior of others. Very basically, it says that when we judge the behavior of others, we tend to assume their actions are based on the person's traits, values, or character (I.e., internal factors). And we minimize the impact that external, situational factors might play.

An additional concept, called the "actor observer bias" says that we do the opposite when it comes to ourselves. We allow our experiences to have nuance and we explain our behavior using situational and external factors to the degree we see fit.

Some Examples:

You speed = you're reckless and a terrible driver

I speed = I'm late to pick up my daughter and still being careful

You fail the math test = You're not smart and too lazy to study

I fail the math test = the test was poorly written and the teacher doesn't like me

How this Impacts Grief & Loss Related Comments

Back to those online comments - I see the fundamental attribution error all over the Internet. If someone has an accident, it's because they are reckless. If someone has a child that's harmed in their care, it's because they're a terrible parent. Many of you are thinking, yes, yes, we all know comment sections are toxic. But the thing is, many grieving people have felt similarly judged in real life as well.

Sometimes they receive stigmatizing statements that blame family, friends, or the person for death, hardship, or trauma. Other times, they're peppered with probing questions, clearly looking to find a point of blame. Why would a support person, or even a casual observer, be so concerned with placing blame? Because people don't want to believe that bad things happen at random, or to people who don't deserve them.

Consider how the fundamental attribution error might work alongside a person’s desire to believe bad things won’t happen to them. If they can find a way to blame the person in the tragic situation, they can reassure themselves that it won’t happen to them—even if they someday face similar circumstances—because they’ll be smarter, more careful, or more capable.

Like many of you, I've been around long enough to know that bad things happen to everyone. Many people who are doing their best have terrible things happen to them. And there is almost always a lot more to the story than any casual observer knows. 

Of course, there are obviously times when clear-cut malice or negligence are at play. And there are times when the whys just simply don't matter. However, what we're talking about is something different. We're talking about quick judgments regarding situations that aren't necessarily clear-cut or where the observer has limited information.

And look, the thing about this type of bias is that it's human - we're all prone to having these types of thoughts. I think everyone catches themselves doing it at one point or another. But why people are choosing to say any of it OUT LOUD about people who have died or to people who are grieving is what I really don't understand. 

Thank you.

I will now dismount my soapbox.