The Utility of Laughter in Times of Grief

Coping with Grief / Coping with Grief : Eleanor Haley


Among the kinds of coping you expect to see from a griever, the reaction that seems to surprise people the most is humor. At a time when one expects to feel only extreme sadness and somber reverence they find themselves laughing nervously or making a joke. There’s a dissonance within the person and they wonder, ‘Why am I laughing at a time like this?’’

It’s common for people to use laughter in times of grief.  Humor is both a defense mechanism in times of crisis and a tool for coping long after the event.  After bracing yourself for sadness and seriousness in light of a traumatic loss, it may be surprising to find humor instead; but I assure you this type of reaction is normal.

Remember, healing requires a dynamic approach and just because someone relies on laughter at times doesn’t mean they don’t also spend a good amount of time with other emotions. There’s time to cry, time to be spent in serious reflection, and time to laugh – all are healing.

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Humor and Laughter as a Defense Mechanism

Humor is actually considered a ‘mature defense mechanism’ alongside defenses like patience, humility, mindfulness, tolerance, and forgiveness. Mature defense mechanisms are thought to enhance feelings of control and pleasure and they are relatively effective at helping people deal with conflicting emotions and thoughts.  If you’re still having a hard time imagining what place humor has in moments of crisis then I’ll elaborate.

Nervous Laughter

If you’re a nervous laugher like me you probably already know it because you catch yourself laughing at the worst times and shamefully wonder if maybe you’re a distant relative of the Joker.  For many, nervous laughter is their instinctual response to a situation that seems stressful or painful. For non-nervous laughers this can seem like absurdly maniacal behavior, but there’s actually a pretty reasonable explanation.

Neuroscientist V.S. Rakmachandran suggests in his book A Brief Tour of Human Consciousness that the reason why we laugh in these situations is to put the circumstances into perspective and make them seem less threatening.  We do this both for ourselves and for those around us and such behavior serves a purpose whether the circumstances are dire or not.

When things are not dire:

For example, when my daughter falls off her bike and skins her knee I will often unintentionally approach her with a laugh saying ‘It’s okay.’  I know that her knee will stop hurting in a matter of minutes so the laughter is meant to signal to her, ‘This seems painful, but it will be okay.’  

When things are dire:

In another less real example, if my daughter and I were camping and a giant brown bear approached us the same ‘it’s okay said with a laugh might be meant to reassure and calm all involved by signaling ‘Okay, this looks bad, but we can handle it if we stay calm.’ 

Gallows Humor

Gallows humor is humor used to lighten difficult, painful, and scary situations.  This is anything hinting at humor like jokes, satire, and silliness, meant to ease stress and make it seem more managable.  Gallows humor might be employed by individuals facing a threatening event, groups of people taking on a dangerous task, groups of oppressed people, or individuals exposed to the trauma of others on a regular basis through their work.

Gallows humor may serve several different functions.  Similar to nervous laughter, humor in the face of difficult circumstances may be used to make the challenge seem smaller and more surmountable. Not only is this type of humor good for the individual morale, but it’s good for morale of larger groups as well as it makes the enemy or the challenge seem less intimidating, eases tension, makes suffering in the moment seem far more tolerable, and strengthens social bonds.

As useful as gallows humor is, it can also be pretty jarring for those not in on the joke.  For those who find the situation no laughing matter, often those closest to the crisis, jokes made in the heat of the moment can be off-putting and offensive.  Those seeking to support a griever, or even those grieving alongside another griever, might want to be mindful of this reality.

The Healing Power of Humor and Laughter

Laughter can heal in a big way…no joke.  There’s even such a thing as the Association for Applied and Therapeutic Humor which I’ll let you research on your own in the interest of time.  Laughter can lower cortisol levels and increase the production of dopamine, endorphins,  T-cells and immune proteins which may contribute to the following:

Physical Impact:

  • Eases physical pain
  • Strengthens immune function
  • Decreases stress
  • Increases relaxation
  • Elevates mood and feelings of well being
  • Decreases feelings of depression and anxiety

Emotional Impact:

  • Puts things in perspective
  • Makes challenges seem more surmountable
  • Increases problem solving.
  • Allows one to take themselves less seriously
  • Triggers creativity
  • Engenders a sense of control or mastery over circumstances that intially seemed distressing, threatening and all consuming.

Social Impact:

  • Increases bonding among family and friends
  • Enhances teamwork
  • Helps diffuse conflict
  • Boosts morale

I often lament what a cruel reality it is that the most enjoyable things in life – like ice cream sundaes and Doritos -have negative health consequences if you’re not careful; but here’s one thing that is 100% enjoyable and good for you.  I swear, music and laughter we’re the two most wonderful gifts bestowed upon mankind.

Too Soon? When you don’t feel like laughing

Grief has the ability to suck all joy out of life and make everything seem grey.  It may be a long time before you find anything to smile about (bonus: fewer laugh lines), but I promise it will come eventually.  The greatest victory is when you realize you’ve made it past the place where memories of your loved one brought mostly sadness, to a place where you can laugh and smile remembering the crazy, loving, warm, fun, generous, weird, stubborn things they used to do.

Remember, it doesn’t take happiness to laugh; if this post has taught you anything, let it be that.  Grab ahold of glimpses of joy and humor when they flicker across your sky and for one moment refuse to let sadness and despair have control.

If you want more humor and laughter in your life try the following:

  • Rent a funny movie
  • Check out a local comedy club
  • Watch stand-up from your favorite comedian online
  • Watch your favorite old sitcom on Netflix
  • Watch funny YouTube videos
  • Get a recommendation for a funny book
  • Ask a humorous friend to meet you for lunch

Here are a few other recommendations:

1.  Subscribe to receive posts straight to your inbox

2.  Check out the What’s Your Grief Podcast in iTunes

3.  Check out WYG’s print grief resources in our estore

Let’s be grief friends.

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19 Comments on "The Utility of Laughter in Times of Grief"

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  1. Cucci  December 22, 2019 at 3:11 pm Reply

    I have found a great deal of comfort in not only finding humor in life’s darkest moments, but just the concept of not taking myself too seriously as I did before. After losing my brother when he was only 24 and I was 19 I was understandably shook to my core. Never had I imagined myself being in that position and dealing with so much sadness and grief and anger every single day. I had to be productive in some way otherwise it would have been impossible to get through this. Life is short and despite all the ugly things, we would be doing ourselves (and those we’ve lost) a huge disservice by ignoring all the things that also make life beautiful. Everyone has their own way of coping and they should never be judged for it. Finding laughter in the pain is actually a wonderful thing and reminds you how resilient we really are.

  2. Dianna Martin  May 24, 2019 at 2:03 pm Reply

    Haters can deal with it their own way, but I appreciate this. Sorry, but the one who lost two back to back – yeah, I feel yeah, lost BOTH my parents in five weeks. But the only the ONLY way I have dealt with this without offing myself to boot is to try to find some kind of humor – be it any spark of life and hilarity in their last days, or anything. Otherwise we go mad with grief. I cry like crazy, even 18 months later, but the humor is what I am thankful for, and I know they would want me to find that. Thank you for this site.

  3. Stephen Szibler  June 11, 2018 at 11:08 pm Reply

    Thanks so much! Exactly what I was wondering about and great advice when used empathetically, I’m sure.

  4. Ps  April 15, 2018 at 5:00 pm Reply

    Sir maybe you have not lost someone close to you
    Laughter is something that cannot come across anyone

    Don’t make this stupid suggestions to people about such a serious issue
    I have lost a couple of my loved ones back to back
    And ignored those feelings of loss by being busy with studies, etc
    Never did i even then felt laughter as a coping mechanism for grief
    Have some empathy.
    You can even get that breathlessness feeling and your heart aches hearing about other’s stories of loss n how difficult it gets to go through struggles
    Please help others in dealing with this kind of situation
    Your article shouldn’t appear. It seems you are not serious about helping others
    Please help others properly
    A lot of people are in need of it

  5. Ps  April 15, 2018 at 5:00 pm Reply

    Sir maybe you have not lost someone close to you
    Laughter is something that cannot come across anyone

    Don’t make this stupid suggestions to people about such a serious issue
    I have lost a couple of my loved ones back to back
    And ignored those feelings of loss by being busy with studies, etc
    Never did i even then felt laughter as a coping mechanism for grief
    Have some empathy.
    You can even get that breathlessness feeling and your heart aches hearing about other’s stories of loss n how difficult it gets to go through struggles
    Please help others in dealing with this kind of situation
    Your article shouldn’t appear. It seems you are not serious about helping others
    Please help others properly
    A lot of people are in need of it

  6. jen  December 19, 2017 at 12:22 am Reply

    After my roommate killed my kitten.. without no remorse or no petty/fake sorry really effed me up. At first i coped with it in a very unhealthy way that got me into legal trouble. Soon after that i had a humor complex about it. It happens a month or two around Halloween I joke about those fake skeleton cats and say “hey there is “Bam” I can see it hurts the ones i love to say such of things, i hate it myself.. its messed up and i know it, but cannot help it..

  7. jen  December 19, 2017 at 12:22 am Reply

    After my roommate killed my kitten.. without no remorse or no petty/fake sorry really effed me up. At first i coped with it in a very unhealthy way that got me into legal trouble. Soon after that i had a humor complex about it. It happens a month or two around Halloween I joke about those fake skeleton cats and say “hey there is “Bam” I can see it hurts the ones i love to say such of things, i hate it myself.. its messed up and i know it, but cannot help it..

  8. jen  December 19, 2017 at 12:18 am Reply

    After my roommate killed my kitten.. without no remorse or no petty/fake sorry really effed me up. At first i coped with it in a very unhealthy way that got me into legal trouble. Soon after that i had a humor complex about it. It happens a month or two around the month he died. I use to and still joke about those fake skeleton cats and say “hey there is “Bam” I can see it hurts the ones i love to say such of things, i hate it myself.. its messed up and i know it, but cannot help it..

  9. jen  December 19, 2017 at 12:18 am Reply

    After my roommate killed my kitten.. without no remorse or no petty/fake sorry really effed me up. At first i coped with it in a very unhealthy way that got me into legal trouble. Soon after that i had a humor complex about it. It happens a month or two around the month he died. I use to and still joke about those fake skeleton cats and say “hey there is “Bam” I can see it hurts the ones i love to say such of things, i hate it myself.. its messed up and i know it, but cannot help it..

  10. Carol Lavelle  July 27, 2017 at 5:38 am Reply

    When our son took his own life 13 months ago, I found myself manically joking about everything…even the circustanses of this death. I knew I was doing it and because all of us, his dad, brother, sister and sister in law are so tight as a family unit, it helped us all. However, I could see that some of our visitors couldn’t cope with it at all.
    I have to say I couldn’t have cared less really , as you say it gave us solace and a way to be able we can survive this horrendous event that has happened to us. Others can only imagine what it was and still is like for us and I have to say some of their silly attitudes have been of no use whatsoever for us. Most have disappeared off the face of the earth so I say do what you need to do for yourself and your families. Xxx

  11. Megan Lungo  September 1, 2016 at 8:34 am Reply

    Just lost my dad, and am remembering the funny things he did toward his last stages of Parkinson’s. I do not know why …then I end up crying.

  12. z  December 12, 2014 at 6:01 pm Reply

    Excellent article. I think it’s very important to be mindful of all the different kinds of laughter and humor you mention. I know that people in very stressful or commonly thought of as depressing professions (EMTs, cops, emergency room personnel, morgue assistants, to name a few) always have their own brand of humor that other people don’t usually appreciate. But it is necessary for them to laugh in order to be able to face what they do. I made sure that I told funny stories, in an amusing way, at the memorial service for my mother years ago, and for my partner last year. I think it helps people to be able to chuckle with love over something funny about the one you lost, even if it sometimes hurts to laugh.

  13. D. Johnson  December 12, 2014 at 12:06 pm Reply

    Just a contribution to the discussion: The inability to laugh may be a sign of severe depression. When you find that nothing is funny anymore you may wish to seek help.

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