Your Resolution Absolution
/ Holidays and Special Days : Eleanor Haley
What will the next year bring? Most of you read What's Your Grief because someone you love very deeply has died, so the answer to this question depends on where you are in coping with your grief.
For anyone struggling with acute and intense grief, the idea of making resolutions may sound absurd. How silly and trite it seems to hear people talk of eating better and doing more yoga when you feel like you need a resolution just to get out of bed in the morning.
Grieving is an uphill climb, and it takes resiliency, determination, introspection, and self-compassion. So, it seems to me that instead of talking about a shallow declaration made at the stroke of midnight, perhaps we should discuss the things a person truly needs to help guide them to a place of wellbeing in the new year.
This may sound like an odd thing for the authors of 64 New Year's Resolutions for Grievers to say; we're aware of our hypocrisy. But, truly, no half-hearted obligatory resolution is going to cover all the ground that lies in front of someone trying to climb out of the dark places of grief.
If in the new year you're facing changes and challenges far bigger than those which can be addressed by a New Year's resolution, it's may be better to shift your focus to things that will help you tackle significant change in the new year.
1. Improve self-awareness.
Start with this reality; sometimes even when you think you're self-aware, you're not. Have you ever taken out the recycling and felt shocked by how many empty wine bottles you accumulated that week? Have you ever thought you were getting by at work or school only to receive feedback to the contrary? Stop going through life saying "I'm fine" when you're not and strive to tell yourself the truth about how things are going. And, guess what, you're grieving so it's okay if things aren't quite as 'fine' as you'd like them to be.
2. Believe you are worthy of that which you consider "good".
Believe it or not, people don't always feel they are worthy of things like love, compassion, support, positive relationships, and contentment. Things like grief, depression, and isolation are especially good liars and can make you believe that the lowest of the low is what you deserve - it isn't.
3. Believe circumstances are in your power to change (unless they aren't).
Everyone struggles with self-doubt, but losing a loved one may shake your confidence in yourself, others, and the world. After a loss you may find you're scared, worried, and anxious more often; you may withdraw from others and spend more time alone, and you may struggle to find a worldview you're comfortable with. It may take a little while for you to get reacquainted with yourself and so you may be a bit slow getting back on your feet, but have faith in yourself and believe you are capable of finding ways to cope with the stressors and changes you are going through.
4. Have realistic expectations and be patient with yourself.
The death of someone significant brings many secondary losses and adjustments. It may take you a long time to feel normal again and by 'normal' I mean 'different but okay'. Grief often means having three good days and one bad, so try not to get frustrated with yourself.
5. Maintain an environment supportive of your wellbeing.
Surround yourself with the people who want you to be well. Take a break from people in your life who drag you down, encourage you to choose negative coping, or make you feel bad about your grief. Someday when you're stronger you can reconnect with them if you choose.
We invite you to share your experiences, questions, and resource suggestions with the WYG community in the discussion section below.
We wrote a book!
After writing online articles for What’s Your Grief
for over a decade, we finally wrote a tangible,
real-life book!
What’s Your Grief? Lists to Help you Through Any Loss is for people experiencing any type of loss. This book discusses some of the most common grief experiences and breaks down psychological concepts to help you understand your thoughts and emotions. It also shares useful coping tools, and helps the reader reflect on their unique relationship with grief and loss.
You can find What’s Your Grief? Lists to Help you Through Any Loss wherever you buy books:
Kimberly Hochrein December 31, 2017 at 12:09 pm
I often read grief posts, suggestions from point of view of my mom, whom I lost 2 years to cancer. She had been in the long throws of grief after her husband passed. Living with me and my family, upon losibgv her home as well, was extremely challenging with a teenage son who was diagnosed with depressive disorder. Suggestions for a Grieving person to surround themselves with supportive people, make me realize, sadly, that was NOT that supportive person she needed. Irony brings me to a place of KNOWING what she was feeling. I SO wish this was a place we had known for support, before she passed. I DO believe it is a sight made forALL, as we are either in the throws of grief or needing to support someone who is. Perspective is everything! Thank you for your perspective and all those that share theirs!
Kimberly Hochrein December 31, 2017 at 12:09 pm
I often read grief posts, suggestions from point of view of my mom, whom I lost 2 years to cancer. She had been in the long throws of grief after her husband passed. Living with me and my family, upon losibgv her home as well, was extremely challenging with a teenage son who was diagnosed with depressive disorder. Suggestions for a Grieving person to surround themselves with supportive people, make me realize, sadly, that was NOT that supportive person she needed. Irony brings me to a place of KNOWING what she was feeling. I SO wish this was a place we had known for support, before she passed. I DO believe it is a sight made forALL, as we are either in the throws of grief or needing to support someone who is. Perspective is everything! Thank you for your perspective and all those that share theirs!
Vicki December 31, 2015 at 9:32 am
That’s what I had: a secondary loss of faith after the death occurred and not because of myself as much as that the person who DIED had more faith than I did but that’s all I can say about the faith of the person who died.
I’ve never been able to get as much help from anybody other than those who understand PTSD better than I do IMO. Richard, who became my daughter’s godfather after her dad died, seems to understand it better although he doesn’t appear to HAVE it as bad as I do. I don’t know why because I think watching someone die in front of my face like he did would be worse than knowing they were dying but not actually seeing it in real time the way I knew Eric was dying in the World Trade Center but didn’t see him actually die; I’ve heard his distress on a tape but even that isn’t the same. I’ve seen people die on the ambulance, even from violent death, but that doesn’t seem identical to watching people die in combat. With two exceptions my own life wasn’t in danger working as a paramedic.
Anyway he’s the only person I know who doesn’t think you have to be happy with a Supreme Being while you’re standing there watching people be blown apart by weapons of war or weapons forged against you from everyday things like an airplane turned into a bomb.
He’s the only one who’s said “you don’t have to feel ANYthing pleasant in that situation, you feel what you feel.”
When my brother was in Iraq churches used to send them stuff all the time. One time he got this bookmark with a sleeping orange kitty on it that said ‘Have Faith. Trust. Rest assured.’
He gave it to me when he got home because he didn’t like the message on it, received in the middle of the chaos of war. I didn’t know that’s why he didn’t like it. Richard said it’s probably why. He didn’t receive anything from the American homefront when he was in Vietnam, that’s another way he knew the world was no longer supporting them but he said he probably wouldn’t have liked a bookmark with that message on it even though “it’s a nice sentiment I suppose, just not realistic.”
That’s when he told me war is chaos and you don’t send someone that message while he’s in the middle of chaos, although any effort to send a message of support would be better than none.
Cindy January 6, 2015 at 1:52 am
i agree with Andrea. This is very well thought out, succinct, and optimistic. I am 4 1/2 years in and this past year felt that my worldview wasn’t in a positive or hopeful place…too jaded and weary. I will reread this along the way as one of the tools in helping me leave that window open for hope!
Eleanor January 6, 2015 at 12:09 pm
Cindy,
Too jaded and weary, I’ve felt that way a lot lately. I hope you find strength and hope and when you do you grab onto it and you don’t let it go. That’s what I’m beginning to think is necessary sometimes, blindly refusing to let go of hope despite all evidence to the contrary. Let’s keep working no this together, shall we?
Eleanor
meg bell December 31, 2014 at 1:27 am
Thanks for these words. Just two years and it seems both long and short. Rejigging my life takes a lot of conscious effort. It is hard.
Cris December 30, 2014 at 7:59 pm
thank you so much for identifying the secondary griefs- my love has been gone from earth for three years, and I sometimes despair at ever finding a whole heart in myself.
Eleanor December 30, 2014 at 10:23 pm
Those secondary losses, they sure can complicate things. I’m sorry your missing your love.
Karen December 30, 2014 at 7:27 pm
These thoughts are really helpful. And, during holidays, I encourage grieving folk to do something that was a tradition with the person they are missing, and then do some new holiday activity on that day, creating a new tradition for themselves. –Karen J. Clayton, from my new book THESE PRECIOUS MOMENTS: Gentle stores about making the end of life the best it can be.
Terry Graham December 30, 2014 at 5:21 pm
Almost 8 mo. ago I lost my eternal solemate to breast cancer just 42 years into our marriage. Today, I watched our two grandsons in our home for the first time. I have regularly watched them for 1 to 3 hours at a time in their home. The older (2-1/2) grandson saw Grandma’s picture on her piano and quietly remarked “Look there’s Grandma, Momma sad.” I was okay until they left with their mom (our daughter) then I absolutely and completely broke down. Intellectually, I know life is bound to be better. But my heart & soul wonder how that will come to be? We expected to celebrate many more years together.
Eleanor December 30, 2014 at 10:22 pm
Oh Terry I’m so sorry. I have a 5 year old who says some of the most profound and heartbreaking things, so I can just picture what you described. Life is bound to be better, yes; but I know it won’t ever be the same and that’s tough to take when you liked your life and the person you were spending it beside. I’m so sorry for your family’s pain.
Linda Rubano December 30, 2014 at 2:18 pm
I have no expectations. My only relief is knowing that one day we will be reunited in Heaven. I can’t bring him back and each day apart is no better than the one before. I have resigned myself that I will grieve until the end of my life.
Eleanor December 30, 2014 at 10:19 pm
I’m so sorry Linda 🙁 My heart goes out to you.
Ursula December 31, 2022 at 7:55 pm
I understand how you feel. My story is like yours and I will grieve until I meet him in Heaven. I don’t want to move on without him.
Andrea December 30, 2014 at 2:04 pm
Thank You VERY much for this great post!! Well thought out and well written, terrific ideas that empower me. Much appreciated!
Eleanor December 30, 2014 at 10:19 pm
You’re so welcome!