To Read or Not To Read: Your deceased loved one's diaries and personal letters

Understanding Grief / Understanding Grief : Eleanor Haley


I'm sure it's happened to many of you, so I doubt if it's hard to imagine. You've almost hit your limit after a day of cleaning out your deceased loved one's closet. Knee deep in old shoe boxes and worn out from reminiscing over every skirt, shirt and pair of slacks you reach into the back of an almost empty closet and pull out a dusty old box. Curiously you open it up and inside you find a box of personal treasures. What does it contain? Old photos? Cards? Letters? A diary? Unsure of what you've stumbled upon you begin to sort through but it doesn't take you long to realize - this stuff is personal.

You, my friend, have stumbled upon an ethical and emotional quagmire. To read or not to read - what to do, what to do?

Some of you may think there's a clear cut answer. In fact you may be screaming at your computer saying "What?!? No!" or "Yes, of course!". But in the world of grief, emotion and relationships, nothing is black and white and, as is often the case, the answer to this riddle totally depends.

Backing up, this discussion originally started when a reader, who is also a mental health professional, emailed us about a woman who found her mother's diary a year after her death. The reader had already asked several of his colleagues who gave him a myriad of answers and he thought it would be a great to extend the question to the WYG community. We completely agreed and subsequently posted the question for our Facebook grief friends to answer. To no one's surprise, we got a variety of responses.

As we said there's no clear cut answer, so I'm sorry if you've found yourself here in hopes of being told what to do. I would however like to congratulate you on your restraint; you're patience puts those (like me) who devoured every syllable of every word they could find to shame. In all seriousness, we can't answer this question for you but I do think we can help you make a decision. Together with our readers, we'd like to offer you perspectives and considerations on both sides of the debate.

Of Note: For the most part, this is not an ethical discussion about respecting the privacy of the dead. Perhaps it should be, but I'm far too realistic to believe ethics overpower emotion for our community at large.

Not to Read:

1. Respect for Privacy:

Okay now that I just said I wasn't going to focus on the ethics, let's discuss the privacy of the dead. Most people don't plan on dying...even when they're dying... so they have no reason to go around hiding or destroying private items. We don't assume things like private letters and journals will become public record until we die at the age of 100 and by then no one will care.

When we asked this question there were many people who said they would be mortified to know someone might see their private thoughts. Here's one of the comments we received on Facebook:

"What should be considered is whether or not the diary/journal is private to your loved one or that individual. If it was private before their death then it should contine to be private after. I would say no you shouldn't read it. I think many people fear what others may think of them after death. The thought of someone reading your personal feelings or beliefs after you're gone without having an opportunity to discuss or explain them is unfair. [But] I suppose it depends on the relationship you have with the individual."

This brings to mind a conversation I just had with someone about their end of life wishes. This individual didn't have many stipulations but did express to me that, should anything happen to him, he did not want anyone going through his laptop. His computer, like most of ours, is home to old email, social media accounts, and personal writing. Like our Facebook commenter, he did not like the idea of being embarrassed or misconstrued after his death.

If you've found a private item, consider what you've found and the person it belonged to. Was this item presumably not created with the knowledge it would someday be shared with you? Was your loved one a fairly private person? If the answer to either of these is "yes" then I would advise you to think long and hard about what your loved one would have wanted. Here is a post about making decisions on your loved one's behalf. Yes, you are in effect making a decision for them.

A Facebook reader explains her decision making process:

"My mom was always writing me notes -- she left notes around the house explaining where certain items came from -- and I am pretty sure she wrote her journals hoping I would read them one day. She may have even told me that but I don't remember. So I skimmed the most recent one after she died last year and was glad she only said nice things about me. I might read the others one day. But based on our relationship and what she said, I am sure she was fine with me reading them."

2. Cause for Confusion:

Although many people choose to read their loved one's personal items in hopes of gaining deeper connection and greater understanding, they actually risk becoming more confused. People have secrets and there's a good chance your loved one kept theirs in that box you just unearthed from the closet or on their hard drive or in their secret safety deposit box.

Your loved one's private items may contain information that changes how you see them and, unfortunately, they aren't around to help you understand. Nor can they explain themselves or repair their image - the information is 100% up for interpretation. Consider whether your loved one was concerned about their image, it may be wise to respect their right to preserve that image in death.

How do you want to remember your loved one? Are you concerned you might find something that changes your perception? Are you wise enough to put this into context if you do? One of our Facebook readers suggests if you look at private items to do so, "...with an open mind. Look at everything from all possible angles." We think this is pretty solid advice.

3. Whatever you see...you can't un-see:

Everyone has bad days - days when you fight with people you love; days when you feel depressed or despondent; days when you're agitated and can only see negative. On these days you feel range of emotions and one way or another you need to deal with them. For some, their go-to coping mechanism is writing about their feelings in a journal or diary. Others choose to vent to a friend or family member. When you have good days though, you don't need these same coping mechanisms. Instead you might try and enjoy the moment or, knowing no one's feelings will be hurt, you might tell your loved ones you are happy and you love them.

One Facebook reader comments:

"I would say no. I have written so much about what I was feeling "in the moment" that I would never want my loved ones to read because it could be misconstrued or taken out of context."

I recall a night at my grandmother's house when I was probably no older than 13. Her house was full of old treasures so I was prone to snooping in her closets and behind closed doors. One night I uncovered a box of my mother's old letters. My mother was still alive at the time but I was 13 and thought my parents we're two dimensional drones put on this earth to feed and clothe me. I was certain their lives were quite perfect, contended in the joys of carrying out their parental duties. I never imagined they had private thoughts or complex feelings so why would I not have read their letters.

Once I started reading, I immediately wished I hadn't. Not because the letters contained anything scandalous, but because they clued me into a reality my parents had clearly shielded me from. Bills, stress, six kids, bills, bills - my mother seemed sad and depressed. Here I thought she was blissfully happy, just counting down the days until she could drop another $300 at the Limited Two because her teenage daughter needed a new back to school wardrobe. In reality my mom was just an adult with adult problems but my 13 year old brain had no context for grown-up reality.

Your grieving brain may have difficulty putting your loved one's feelings and emotions into context and, again, they are not around to help you understand. Your loved one may have said bad, sad or mad things in the heat of the moment. Just remember, many people only journal long enough to get through the hard times or they only write to their Aunt Sally when their desperate and really need help. Hopefully, if you choose to read your loved one's private thoughts you will do so with an open mind. Still, you may end up feeling hurt, sad, mad, confused, or betrayed. You have been forewarned.

One Facebook reader suggests the following:

"I think I would feel compelled to read it. Might I be hurt by some "in the moment" feelings? Sure but I think, the benefits would outweigh that risk. Perhaps discussing certain entries with a loved one if I needed support."

To Read:

1. To connect with our loved ones:

Some of my most treasured items are letters written by my mother. Seeing her handwriting and reading her words makes me feel connected to her. I yearn to have more of these connections so I can say without question if I found a stack of letters, a diary or a journal I would binge read them like there's no tomorrow. In fact I've written a post about reading my mother's treatment journal,which wasn't exactly something she cared about keeping private but it was definitely personal. Reading this journal was brutal but I felt distant from my mother during her diagnosis and illness and I wanted to gain a deeper understanding of what she experienced.

Oftentimes, letters and diaries written during a certain period in our loved one's life helps us to connect with who they were at 20, 30, or 45. This helps us to connect with them in a capacity we wouldn't previously have understood. For example, I would LOVE to find a journal or letter from when my mother was 32 like me. What did she think as a young wife and mother? What kept her awake at night? What were her priorities? I would pay one million dollars to know.

2. To Find Answers:

It's not uncommon to have questions about a loved one after their death. Perhaps you have existing questions or perhaps these questions have surfaced since their death. About a year ago I spoke with the mother of a boy who died in his young 20s in a car accident. She said at his funeral she met so many people she never knew he knew and learned so many things about the young man he was; things he would never have thought to share with his mother. People often learn new things about their loved one after their death and it makes them wonder, "what else didn't I know?" So what do they do? They look for clues.

Another way you might seek answers is in the form of guidance and advice for your own life. You may look to your loved one's personal correspondence in an effort to glean information about their outlook on being parent or a spouse; religion or philosophy; or values and morals. This is normal but I caution you in taking advice they never meant to give. This kind of advice is two dimensional and you have no idea what they would tell you to do if they knew the subtleties and complexities of your specific situation.

3. History:

Old journals and letters, especially those that are really old, are like snapshots in time. There's a reason why the National Archives are crammed full of old letters and one of the most important pieces of historical literature is the diary of a teenage girl. Writing from the past enlightens and illustrates a time we can only conjure in our imagination. One Facebook reader shares:

"I found my mother's diary after she passed. I contemplated reading it, but decided to start it one day. I couldn't put it down.... It had sooo much history in it. Family history of so many people that had passed on...many that I remembered from my childhood. I am so glad I read it. It made me feel like I got a chance to know my mother on a different level."

Have you found a journal, diary, or letter belonging to your deceased loved one? What did you decide to do? Share your thoughts below. Then go ahead and subscribe to receive posts straight to your email inbox.

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51 Comments on "To Read or Not To Read: Your deceased loved one's diaries and personal letters"

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  1. Christine  January 9, 2023 at 8:44 am Reply

    Thank you for your very helpful article on whether to read a loved ones diaries or not. My Mum died nearly six years ago and left behind many of her diaries – she kept one every year. I have read her holiday diaries which are lovely and bring back very fond memories for me especially from the 1960’s when I was with them on holiday in Torquay (Devon) and North Wales (I am 67 now). However, I have not read her day to day diaries yet – apart from one dated 1994/95. Some of what she wrote isn’t always pleasant, but she was under great stress at the time and as you say, we all have bad days and feel under pressure. My dear Mum was only human, as we all are and naturally vented her feelings in her diary. Since she died, I suppose I have put her on a kind of pedestal and almost seen her as a saint ( which was wrong of me). I’m no saint myself and even though I don’t keep a diary, I am guilty of thinking and saying many things which I now deeply regret. I’m not sorry I have read my Mum’s diary and will probably read the rest. I love the connection I feel to her when I read her words – good or not so good. I believe I can learn from them and derive some good from them. I did consider destroying them, but now I’m glad I’ve changed my mind. I want to love her as she really was – a real human being with flaws and yet, with a kind, sensitive and loving heart.

  2. Rebecca  August 30, 2022 at 8:00 am Reply

    My Grandmother recently past and has always kept a diary – I even bought her last one for a christmas gift. She would leave the diary laying around and open often and occsionally i would read an entry or 2 but they were always very factual about the activities of her and others of the day – not very emotive at all. When looking through her belongings we found a stack of her diaries from 2012- recent in a not hidden spot in her room. Upon further search, (she collected and kept many things, every wedding invite, card for herself and kids and even hair cuts) we found a box with diaries from the 80s (when my uncles were born) with the last one being 1998. We have searched every where but cannot find diaries from 1999 (my birth year) to 2011 (the year her husband passed). Many family members dont believe she would have either stopped writing or gotten rid of over a decades worth of diaries but perhaps had hidden them from my uncles to protect them. (She wasn’t very open with them about a lot of things like she was myself, my mother and my recently new aunty). My is uncomfortable with us reading them as he personally doesnt want to however it is messing with my aunty and i because we cant find them and it seems so odd. I understand she may have hidden them as she didnt want anyone to read them but after reading the more recent ones i would love to read about my childhood and memories i have forgotten with her.
    Any advice (like where to look)?

  3. Chase Baxter  October 23, 2021 at 11:00 pm Reply

    This is coming from the perspective of someone writing the journal. I fully intend for family and friends to read my journals after I pass.

    The reason I found myself here on this site is because I was trying to see posts by people who have read their loved ones journals after they passed, to get a feel for what they experienced reading it. Since by the time my family and loved ones read my journals I’ll be dead I won’t be able to see how it affects them. I want to make sure I’m doing the right thing for one. I have a darkness within me, but also a light. Both are contained within those journals. It will no doubt cause a lot of grief when the read some of it, but I feel like the good outweighs the bad in the entries.

    As for the contents of said journals, it is not just my thoughts. I have also left things inside such as my favorite recipes that I’ve found (I cook a lot), old drawings and doodles (I draw sometimes), and really anything flat that can fit between the pages they might find interesting. That said I don’t hold back with what I write. I’m not sugar coating any of my feelings, it comes out how it is, I want them to remember me as real and I want the entries to be that way as well.

    I just wanted to share,
    Chase

  4. Sue  July 27, 2021 at 7:37 am Reply

    Thank you for this. Will explore more resources. Dealing with the personal effects of my brother in law with my spouse and in laws. Coming to terms that he was depressed, broken hearted and didn’t do any cleaning. Most items in the house are garbage due to mould. Found a few personal unopened letters, and knowing he was a private person, I am tossing without reading.

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  5. Stephanie  January 24, 2021 at 7:10 pm Reply

    Thank you for the wonderful post contained here. Such great thoughts and great wisdom, of which I am now seeking. My sister was a year and a half younger than me, at age 71 died from cancer in December. She was ready to come home to be with us but not because of the cancer, but because she said she wanted to be near family. I think she knew there was something wrong. Her intent was to departAnd leave the apartment and its contents to be taken care of by her landlord. Inother words just walk out and walk away. Department she would have left 40 volumes of journals that detailed her life for 40 years. I must confess that in my hands it was tempting to peek. I am the closest to her of all of our sisters and I think I sought to know and understand more about her. I did not expect to read what I did. Her journaling was very very dark, she was depressed she was fearfulAnd frustrated. I don’t think there was one page that was full of joy and happiness, maybe a few. This shock to me a great deal. I thought I knew the sister, but in reality I knew not what was truly going on inside her. She lives in tortured existence most of the time, and I have to say I felt a little betrayed that I was not included in her trustworthy friends to reveal her dark side. I am taking responsibility for these journals, we wish to burn them but the question is when and I don’t feel ready to burn them because I feel there is more for me to learn of her as her close sister. I am also a writer and I am imagining short stories based on some of her writings. Once these journals are burned there are no resources from which to write those stories. I am very torn your thinking on this please thank you

    • Isabelle Siegel  January 25, 2021 at 9:56 am Reply

      Stephanie, I’m very sorry for your loss. I hear that you feel hurt that your sister did not share her darkness with you… That’s completely valid. Please know that this does not diminish the closeness of your relationship in the slightest. I understand feeling conflicted about whether or not to burn your sister’s journals. Ultimately, only you can decide if and when you are ready to take that step. That being said, I think transforming them into short stories would be a beautiful way to honor her life. All the best to you.

  6. MRS K Stansfield  October 21, 2020 at 4:27 pm Reply

    From age 21 until now at 95 I have kept a Journal It does not contain explicit sex nor any details of past lovers as I have never had any. It is not always sweetness and light about my fairly large family (siblings) and 5 grandchildren but the later years are gentle and kindly Now what on earth shall I do with them The cover many exciting periods of history and I wonder if they might form social history for someone to publish after editing or just leave my son to decide what to do Any comments

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  7. Michael  July 31, 2020 at 8:11 pm Reply

    My grandfather passed a while ago and he was of the generation that kept diaries. This was a 5 year diary covering 1939-1943. It covers my moms birth and her sisters birth, also parts of WWII and the attack on Pearl Harbour “Boy, those Japs sure surprised Hawaii”, lots of history in the diary and lots of boring stuff too. My grandfather was cremated and I’m considering burning this diary since he was cremated. I’d keep it but there are some entries that are of sexual nature, and not stuff that he’d likely want people to read, nobody knows me from Jack, so some of the stuff is about taking risqué photos of some of his girlfriends and getting them to lift up their blouses or “play with each other”, certainly family wouldn’t want to remember him this way. So I’m contemplating either taking a black marker and omitting anything I find like that, or simply burning the diary. I can’t seem to pull the trigger on either. Does anyone have an opinion?

  8. M Johnson  July 2, 2020 at 7:48 pm Reply

    I’m curious your thoughts. I am not a journal-er. My husband is. This has been a constant off and on again fight with us. He writes about ex lovers in his journals throughout our marriage. He has carelessly left them open laying about the house and I have read thru some of them. Now, he hides them. He also plans to keep them and give to our daughters when they are older. I am vehemently opposed to this. He said it’ll help them understand him when he’s gone. I don’t like the content and don’t care for them to know the details of his past relationships with other women. I prefer him to get rid of them. Thoughts?

    • Litsa  July 5, 2020 at 2:28 pm Reply

      This is a difficult and personal question. Though I or others can share our opinions, ultimately there is no “right” answer. I would ask why you don’t want them to know the details of his past relationships. As difficult as it can be, most people’s partners had complex lives before they met – including other relationships. Those don’t take anything away from future relationships. Rather, they are often part of what created that person and led them to the relationship they are now in – in this case, his relationship with you. When children get to an age that they can see their parents as more than just parents, but full and complicated human beings, they often wonder about their lives beyond their “parent life”. Have you asked yourself what you think the problem or harm would be if your daughters knew more about your husband’s life and relationships before your marriage? If so, have you expressed to your husband those specific fears/concerns? I ask because I don’t intuitively see what the harm or problem would be, so I imagine without you expressly explaining it perhaps he also doesn’t intuitively understand what your concerns are.

      Now, though many children want information about their parents, especially after their parents have died, there are no universals. I am sure there are some children who wouldn’t want to know about those other relationships. Though only you can say what is right for you, only he and your daughters can say what is right for them. My personal opinion is that those are their decisions to make. That said, perhaps you could ask him to tell you daughters, when he shares the journals, about your reservations (or perhaps you can share those reservations with them directly). That way they will be able to make their decision about learning more about their father with the transparency of knowing how you feel and that it will impact/hurt you. If you have a therapist, I think this would be a wonderful discussion to have with them if you haven’t already. Because, as I say, I can share my opinion, but ultimately it means very little – I don’t know you or your family, I don’t know the dynamics or your reservations, so ultimately my opinion means very little! Sending good thoughts as you sort through this.

  9. pina bobbie  October 14, 2019 at 8:29 pm Reply

    just found this after going thru paper and some of my younger sister’s . she died years ago. she journaled a lot and in some writing exersize about envisioning her future she called me “the worst case scenario for getting older” and said I had never earned respect or taught anyone anything. I am not famous and have my struggles, but I know this is not true . maybe she wanted me to be a dazzling outward success, or maybe needed to put me down. I saw a few other things and they hurt very much. I don;t know what to do with these feelings. Def wish I hadnt. Wish I had the chance to read older generation’s writings for sure!

    • pina bobbie  October 17, 2019 at 12:37 am Reply

      I am replying to myself as no other reply. the loneliness of the internet. i dont know if i will ever tell anyone else. i really took a setback from this experience but also learned a bit about people. I actually never promised my little sister to be anything, but she wanted me to be, I am sorry she felt that way.

    • Joanne  October 31, 2019 at 10:03 am Reply

      Pina, Your post has given me a lot of food for thought. I found this site as I was looking for “beginning journaling” and trying to find how you can honestly journal without hurting someone’s feelings. We all have days when we are depressed, jealous, angry and my fear is that someone will read those words and think I felt that way always. Would I remember to go back and clarify that I was going through a rough time and it was just my own struggles and nothing to do with them? Probably not. I pray you can find peace with this hurt by believing it was her struggles at those particular times…not you. As for journaling? Maybe not for me….I’ll always tend to hold back.

  10. John Prince  October 10, 2019 at 12:27 am Reply

    I lost my wife six weeks ago. We were together 27+ years so we span pee-email. We come frok the sea of written notes, and thus anytime we would be away more than a day, we would leave each other notes. I stared putting it in special places j knew she would see (hiding it on her pillow under her sheets, etc. she would leave in my dress shoes or toiletries bag when I travelled.
    I keep thinking she has left me a note somewhere deeply hidden. She was battling cancer leukemia and cervical cancer together.

    I had a note hidden for her that she will never get to read. That tears me up, but she knows how much I love her. I’m unsure how I will react if I find the lore she left
    Me. I have not gone through her items her but am expecting this. It will take me days if not weeks before I read. I don’t want to be alone either, I want my children either ms. For all of you whom have lost a spouse, I am so sorry. I understand the pain you are enduring (she was only 45 and I’m 48), so she died as we were planning to be empty nesters. I was already devastated about the kids leaving soon “you still have me” she would say…and side my everything would be better. Now it won’t, and it hurts so much.

    Also I apologize for any types. I am crying so hard I cannot see the screen well the tears won’t stop.

    https://whatsyourgrief.com/to-read-or-not-to-read/

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  11. John Prince  October 10, 2019 at 12:23 am Reply

    I lost my wife six weeks ago. We were together 27+ years so we span pee-email. We come frok the sea of written notes, and thus anytime we would be away more than a day, we would leave each other notes. I stared putting it in special places j knew she would see (hiding it on her pillow under her sheets, etc. she would leave in my dress shoes or toiletries bag when I travelled.
    I keep thinking she has left me a note somewhere deeply hidden. She was battling cancer leukemia and cervical cancer together.

    I had a note hidden for her that she will never get to read. That tears me up, but she knows how much I love her. I’m unsure how I will react if I find the lore she left
    Me. I have not gone through her items her but am expecting this. It will take me days if not weeks before I read. I don’t want to be alone either, I want my children either ms. For all of you whom have lost a spouse, I am so sorry. I understand the pain you are enduring (she was only 45 and I’m 48), so she died as we were planning to be empty nesters. I was already devastated about the kids leaving soon “you still have me” she would say…and side my everything would be better. Now it won’t, and it hurts so much.

  12. Joann Gee  July 24, 2019 at 2:33 pm Reply

    What do I do with my diaries after I die? I have been keeping a diary for over 50 years – never missing a day of writing! Who gets them after I die? What if they don’t want them?

    • pina bobbie  October 17, 2019 at 8:16 pm Reply

      I have the same question. I’m a pretty good writer, too. but I don’t want to cause any feelings like I had when I read my sister’s, as I posted in this forum. A diary lets you be honest, but those feelings are not what you would say. I hope you find peace with your answer, I am sure your diaries are very special. My sister actually wanted a box of hers disposed of but the notebook I found was
      among her other things.

  13. Bron Morgan  May 25, 2019 at 10:33 am Reply

    I have a box of my mother and grandmother’s old letters as well as letters from a great great uncle written during his time as a soldier in the Civil War. I definitely plan to read them when I am emotionally stronger. As my mother was dying from cancer, our large family kept vigil for weeks. I left one day only to rush back because I’d left one of my own journals in the sick room. I swept back into the room, scooped it up, saying, “don’t want to leave this laying around..” and as I was leaving I overheard one of my young adult daughters say to my slightly confused brother in law, “Mom writes shit about everyone in her journals when she’s mad…” Don’t take angry journal entries too personally and kudos to all of you who don’t snoop while your mom is still alive! ??

  14. Roger  December 20, 2018 at 8:31 pm Reply

    My wife passed away a few months ago and I read parts of her diary until I read that I was not a very good husband, I do regret reading that, now I just cry

  15. Chris  November 12, 2017 at 10:00 am Reply

    My wife recently passed and I made the error of reading all of her diaries and emails. I couldn’t believe how permiscous she was before we met. She also lied about many things from her past. I shouldn’t have read them, now I wish I hadn’t met her.

  16. Chris  November 12, 2017 at 10:00 am Reply

    My wife recently passed and I made the error of reading all of her diaries and emails. I couldn’t believe how permiscous she was before we met. She also lied about many things from her past. I shouldn’t have read them, now I wish I hadn’t met her.

    • portabello  October 17, 2019 at 8:22 pm Reply

      she must have sensed how you would judge her, and hid the truth you so you did not “wish you never met her” while she was alive. I don’t know her but there must be another way to see this and a more healing way to grieve your loss. Jealousy can kill so much happiness.

  17. Jeanne  September 26, 2017 at 9:38 am Reply

    Thank you for addressing this issue. My partner told me before he died, when we knew it was very possible he would die soon, that he wanted me to burn all the notebooks, letters, and photographs he had stored in the attic. Without reading them. It’s been 15 months and I haven’t done anything with them yet. He was a writer and led an unconventional, emotionally uninhibited, life–several marriages before we met. I loved him for those and many other reasons. Your article and the comments touch on the core dilemma: on the one hand, I would give anything to have access to more of his consciousness–what he thought, saw, did, felt–and to learn more about him. Learn things I might have learned had we had time for more conversations, more communing. On the other hand, we always respected each other’s privacy. His papers weren’t hidden, but I never touched them. (I did used to ask him if I could read things he’d written in the past, his screenplay, etc, but he always said no.) And he was absolutely sure that he wanted me to burn without reading. And I’m not sure I could handle what I would find. He didn’t cause me pain when he was alive and didn’t want to cause me pain after his death. And his wishes are still his wishes. I can leave his papers in the attic for as long as I want to–they’re a part of him. When I reach the point of being able to dispose of them, I hope there will be joy mixed in with the sadness, the joy of being able to honor him and preserve his integrity.

  18. Jeanne  September 26, 2017 at 9:38 am Reply

    Thank you for addressing this issue. My partner told me before he died, when we knew it was very possible he would die soon, that he wanted me to burn all the notebooks, letters, and photographs he had stored in the attic. Without reading them. It’s been 15 months and I haven’t done anything with them yet. He was a writer and led an unconventional, emotionally uninhibited, life–several marriages before we met. I loved him for those and many other reasons. Your article and the comments touch on the core dilemma: on the one hand, I would give anything to have access to more of his consciousness–what he thought, saw, did, felt–and to learn more about him. Learn things I might have learned had we had time for more conversations, more communing. On the other hand, we always respected each other’s privacy. His papers weren’t hidden, but I never touched them. (I did used to ask him if I could read things he’d written in the past, his screenplay, etc, but he always said no.) And he was absolutely sure that he wanted me to burn without reading. And I’m not sure I could handle what I would find. He didn’t cause me pain when he was alive and didn’t want to cause me pain after his death. And his wishes are still his wishes. I can leave his papers in the attic for as long as I want to–they’re a part of him. When I reach the point of being able to dispose of them, I hope there will be joy mixed in with the sadness, the joy of being able to honor him and preserve his integrity.

  19. Julie  October 20, 2016 at 3:57 pm Reply

    I’m go glad to have come across this website and this article. Thank you! I have a follow-up question. I have kept my father’s journals in a box since his passing nearly 9 years ago. After deliberation (and reading this article), I have decided in our case to respect his privacy and not to read them. So…what, then to *do* with them? My grandmother has a saying – “You can’t live with the dead.” I’m torn between wanting to be unburdened of my dear deceased relatives’ earthly possessions, and not wanting to lug them in boxes from home to home for the rest of my life, but I can’t bear the thought of just throwing the journals away. Ideas/comments/thoughts are welcome and appreciated.

    • Sera  November 3, 2020 at 2:46 am Reply

      You could donate them to a diary archive.

  20. SmokeyRain  July 21, 2016 at 4:30 pm Reply

    This is a very thoughtful question regarding our loved ones and their privacy. I find it strange that no one seems to consider the same question when it comes to the death of a celebrity.

  21. Annie  February 28, 2016 at 3:36 pm Reply

    My father wrote in a journal ever day for 40 years. He wanted to publish them as his memoirs. After he passed and we were reading them, we were shocked to discover negative hurtful things he had written about family members. Most of his writings were mundane, but it is the critical things that stand out. Feelings were definitely hurt, I wish he had only written nice things because he always acted nicely to everyone, so we had no idea how he really felt about some of us!

  22. Sylvie  February 26, 2016 at 10:18 pm Reply

    When a relative of mine passed away many years ago, I was horrified to see personal things of hers in a yard sale. I knew she wouldn’t have wanted them there. Since that day, I vowed to get rid of things I was hanging on to that would be an embarrassment to me or anyone else. Before my husband passed away last year, together we went through love notes written to each other and cards for occasions. I have to admit I was touched that he saved the love notes from me. We both laughed at some of the things we said to each other. If my adult children found them, they would snicker, as they knew us very well and we never hid the love and affection we shared, so to them it would be, ya, that was mom and dad. After he passed away, I kept some of those love notes. I pull them out now and again, run my fingers over his hand writing and sometimes weep for what I have lost. But I treasure them and would not be ashamed for my children to read them.
    The question for me is, would I read my parents or siblings personal writings if I came across them? No I would not, for I don’t believe they were for my eyes to see.
    But that’s why I say, get rid of things you never want brought out in the open. It may be time, for a lot of people to clean out their closets, so to speak. Just a thought.

    1
  23. Lana @ The Joy Blog  February 18, 2016 at 4:46 pm Reply

    I admit, I read my mom’s from cover to cover after her brutal death from brain cancer. There was so much in there that linked me to her forever. She felt a lot about life the way I did, and now I realize as her only daughter, we really were kindred spirits, even if I always felt the opposite while she was alive. We were great friends, but now I know we were also a lot alike.

    • Eleanor  February 23, 2016 at 11:06 am Reply

      Lana,

      I don’t blame you. I know many people say they wouldn’t read the journal, but I am so eager for a connection with my mother that I think I would. I’m glad that you were able to find these connections with her, these sorts of connections truly help us to maintain a strong relationship with our deceased loved ones forever.

      Eleanor

  24. Laura  July 31, 2015 at 3:20 pm Reply

    Very interesting post. Definitely depends on personal views as well as considerations about the person who has passed. When my brother died at 21 of a drug overdose practically the first thing my father and I did was read his journals. Writing was a big part of who he was. He was hugely outgoing and willing to talk about his struggles. He always wanted his story to be heard to help others. After reading I felt no guilt about going into his private mind because I came away with a much greater understanding of his struggles. He was always fighting himself. He was a beautiful poet. I shared some of his writing at the funeral to help people understand the kind of person he was beyond an “addict”. He was truly fighting for his life for so many year and I take comfort in knowing that his suffering is over. I also know how much he loved and appreciated us (his family) for everything we did to help him despite the number of times he hurt us.

    Reading his words was and is a beautiful experience and an important part of my grieving process. I still read them often. It feels like there is something new to discover every time I open one of his notebooks.

    Despite what I found to be a highly emotional, yet fulfilling part of the grieving process, it’s been two years since he died and my sister and mother have yet to look at his writing. I feel like they are missing out but perhaps their interpretation of his words would be different than mine. Maybe the time will come for them. Maybe it won’t.

    A good example of “to each their own”.

    • pina bobbie  October 17, 2019 at 8:24 pm Reply

      tis is beautiful and moving

  25. Nina  April 26, 2015 at 8:00 pm Reply

    Hello Eleanor , thank you for this insightful post. My mother in law died in 2002. She wrote diaries from the time she was a teenager (1919 or so) until about 2000. Each year is in a separate little volume. She went to college (rare in her era) earning Phi Beta Kappa honors from Radcliffe College. She worked as a secretary in a law office (about all a bright woman could do in those days) for several years before marrying. She was an amazing observer of her time, her surroundings, and of city, state and world affairs. Living through both world wars and the Depression, she commented on what she did, heard, and read, all in the numerous volumes. Also in these she told of her home and family, and of times of angst and anguish. Her daughter donated the diaries to the local historical society, as they would provide a very unique outlook and a long life with its ups and downs. My husband and I had Mom in our care for the last 6 years of her life. We had to clean out her home of nearly 60 years. Mom moved to be near us, and she asked for her diaries. We told her about them being donated and where. She wanted them back, so we wrote and got them back for her. Now, nearly 13 years after her death, we still have the diaries. My husband and I are academics (history) and his sister was a history teacher. We three feel the diaries are a valuable source for historians, and want to send them back to the historical society. All of us agree that the diaries also contain angsty personal parts, which are the reason for our dilemma. We do recall that Mom wanted them back, but she never said what to do with them, as she was in her early 90’s when she stopped writing in them. What do you think we should do with them? I would appreciate your thoughts. Thank you and God bless.

    • Eleanor  April 27, 2015 at 1:36 pm Reply

      Nina,

      Oh my, I do see your dilemma. I guess my question is, did she initially say why she wanted them back? Was it because she felt sentimental about them or was it out of concern for them having been shared with other eyes? If you knew that, it seems like that would speak to her thoughts about having them shared. Was she a very private person? Do you think her sense of privacy would extend to after death?

      Unfortunately, there is really no correct answer. All you can do is reflect on what you think her wishes would have been. It does sound like there is a greater good involved with having them shared, which I suppose always needs to be considered. What would our view of history look like without letters, journals, and diaries donated after a person’s death? How would she value that greater good? Lastly, how does the family want her to be remembered? One way of looking at it might be to see these journals as a part of her legacy that lives on in the world. Of course, I’m not telling you anything new. Just throwing out additional thoughts to confuse the issue 🙂

      I’m so sorry there’s no black or white answer. Good luck with your decision.

      Eleanor

  26. Lea  March 3, 2015 at 4:14 pm Reply

    This has come up for me twice.

    My uncle died of a terminal illness. After the funeral the family went through some personal effects to divide them up to remember him and among the effects were his journals and creative writing. I took them at the urging of several other people, and while trying to decide what to do, someone pointed out that he knew he was dying and that if he didn’t want anyone to read them then he would have gotten rid of them. That made a lot of sense to me. I did read them and I’m glad I did.

    My husband committed suicide in November. It was his journals that I wanted the most and they mean so much to me. I read them without hesitation. I was surprised that I was the only person who wanted them (he has 3 daughters and a brother who he was very close to). He very clearly wrote to me over and over in them and I know that he meant for me to have them.

    1
    • Eleanor  March 4, 2015 at 9:39 am Reply

      Lea,

      I’m really glad you’ve had these journals as a comfort in your grief. I really think it comes down to thinking about who the person was and whether they would have wanted you to read them, in both these instances it seems to make sense to. What a treasure and what a wonderful way to stay connected to the person. The few letters I have of my mothers are so special to me, even seeing her handwriting makes me feel closer.

      Thank you for sharing.

      Eleanor

      1
  27. Donna  February 12, 2015 at 4:29 am Reply

    What a terrific article. When my parents died, I found all the letters they sent to me while in was in the Navy over 24 years, and all of the letters other people sent, and the letters I had sent them. While it was something I had already read, I had forgotten about most of them. What a great way to remember what was going on in my life and theirs for 24 years. As I go back and reread these letters, I can feel all the emotion packed in those letters over family events, or just us missing each other. My Mom would even send me the newspaper clippings of what was happening on my favorite soap opera. I treasure all of these items and have placed them in large three ring binders in chronological order. Now that they are gone, it is like having a little conversation with them all over again when I read them. 🙂

    • Litsa  February 16, 2015 at 2:50 am Reply

      Ahh Donn, what a beautiful thing to have to remember them! I often think how sad it is, in an era of social media and email, that letter writing is fading away.

  28. Tea  February 11, 2015 at 5:17 pm Reply

    I feel strongly about preserving personal writing of any kind, even if you choose never to read it. I have letters and journals I would prefer those close to me never see, but I still want them preserved for the sake of family history – or in some cases general history that may be of mild interest to non-relatives as well. A glimpse into the life and thoughts of an “ordinary” person living in our current times 🙂

    On the subject of letters though, whatever you may decide about privacy vs. curiosity on behalf of your dead loved one, please take the other person’s privacy in to account as well. If they are still living, reading words that they meant only for the eyes of a specific friend is ethically questionable – and may also make them very uncomfortable around you, depending on how much they shared in their letters. If you are willing to part with the letters without reading them, you could offer to return them to the writer – they may have letters they received from your loved one, and could then store the complete correspondence together as keepsakes. Also, if they have saved your loved one’s letters over the years, this would open the possibility of asking if they would make you copies of a few of them “If there’s any that aren’t too private” and you are probably more interested in what your family member was saying to their friend than the other way around.

    I think we can all make this decision much easier for our own families by planning ahead. I have my letters and journals stored in large manila envelopes clearly labeled “Not private: enjoy the read!” “This envelope NOT to be opened by anyone who knew me – save for future family history only!” “Letters from ________ please return to him/her in the event of my death.” “Somewhat private: please wait at least six years after my death before opening.” and so forth. My family may or may not follow my wishes, but at least they will know what I wanted – meaning they can read what isn’t private without apprehension, and have some warning that they may find things they didn’t want to in what was meant to remain private! I am interested in hearing other people’s thoughts on this – would it have made things easier on you? Would it have made you feel better about reading something if your loved one had left a note explicitly stating that it was okay?

  29. Donna Smith  June 11, 2014 at 4:28 pm Reply

    My feelings are quite clear on the issue. I would never rad someone’s private papers unless I had explicit permission to do so. I see it as a violation. My journals and poetry are for me. I write there what I can’t or don’t dare say out loud. Journaling is therapeutic, it’s a tool. I use it! Anyone reading them after my death will be hurt, dismayed, perhaps ashamed (of me). If they must pursue their nosiness to this extreme then any perceived pain is on them, not me. My personal business does not become public because I have left the scene. Have a little respect, burn the stuff but don’t open it.
    d

  30. Sarah hasegawa  June 1, 2014 at 11:52 pm Reply

    Great post! I’m afraid I always err on the side of nosy — I can’t help myself.

    When I came across Mom’s treatment journal, tucked in a purse in a box in the basement, I worried about what it contained. When she was ill, I felt so defeated. I didn’t know how to help her, so I just stood back, watching everything unfold. She was Mom and I was Me — I didn’t know how to adjust our relationship to the realities of terminal cancer. I felt like I had nothing to offer — no answers, no hope, no words do comfort. Like you, I felt disconnected.

    I don’t remember exactly what Mom said about me in her journal — something about me being a comforting presence, in my quiet way — but I do know it made me feel better. Just being her daughter was enough, as it always had been.

  31. Henrietta  May 27, 2014 at 12:41 pm Reply

    This is such an interesting post, being rather a nosy interested person I would probably always risk reading. When my 7 yr old daughter died, there were no journals etc, just little notebooks, one of which contained one poem among pages of little drawings and ‘My name is Lily poo poo’ and similar 7 yr old phrases. We found it months after her death, on her birthday and the poem was like a gift from beyond the grave. She never wrote poems, to my knowledge this was the only one, and it contained images that suggested that somehow, subconsciously, some part of her knew what was going to happen. To find something in her handwriting and touch the paper that she touched, and read the strange ethereal words….we were so grateful..

  32. Jolene Thibedeau Boyd  May 24, 2014 at 4:24 pm Reply

    After my dad died this past winter, I went through a box like you described above. It had been sitting in the living room of the house for years (my mom died 12 years ago), so I could have looked any time, and I don’t think he really cared. In fact, I wish I HAD looked then, because maybe I could have asked him some questions the contents inspired while he was still in good health. Interestingly–or oddly–I came across quite a few letters from my mom to him before they were married, kind of fun to glimpse into their past, and then I cae across a letter where my mom basically broke up with him (he was stationed in Wash DC in the Navy, she had moved home to small-town MN to help care for her ill mother and her younger sibs), and then told him she was engaged to some other guy, whose name I have never even heard! Obviously something changed sometime after that because they were married within a couple of years of that. But I sure wish I could have asked about it! I don’t find any of this upsetting, I long for and love to hear about what their lives were really like…there were some really tough times that my parents just never really shared with us. Anyway, that’s my long way of saying, although I can appreciate someone not wanting to have people read about their innermost thoughts and feelings after they’re gone, for me, it is just one more way of knowing them better, and loving them more for their struggles and joys, many of which they just never had/took the chance to share. And that’s how I justify doing it myself, without guilt but with the utmost respect. Thanks for the great topic! 🙂

  33. Meryl Ain (@LivMemoriesProj)  May 24, 2014 at 8:13 am Reply

    Thank you, Eleanor, for this wonderful, thoughtful piece! Right after my mother died, I found letters that my parents wrote to each other during WW II. I read one right away, and I haven’t looked at the rest for seven years. Based on this piece, I am going to rethink, and I will definitely share this!

  34. Marty Tousley (@GriefHealing)  May 23, 2014 at 1:00 pm Reply

    Once again, Eleanor, just a terrific piece ~ and some excellent food for thought! I am happy to share this one! Thank you! ?

  35. Jennifer  May 23, 2014 at 12:15 pm Reply

    I found old love letters my father had written to my mother when he was at sea (Navy man). There was certainly a cringe factor, and I felt like I was violating their privacy, but ultimately I was glad to know that I came from love.

  36. Elaine Ferguson  May 23, 2014 at 9:40 am Reply

    Eleanor, I love, love, love what you are doing with this website. I have wept over many of the things you have written, treasured the pictures you have posted. I am so very, very, very proud of you as I know your mother would be. You are blessing many with this website, including me – your aunt and mother’s twin sister – and my daughters. Thank you our special Eleanor.

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