This Is What Social Isolation Looks Like

General / General : Litsa Williams



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It’s winter.  It’s cold.  It’s dark.  I’ve been socially isolating.  There, I said it.

I’m guessing I might not be alone.  Social isolation in grief is oh so common.  Social isolation in winter is oh so common.  Conversations about social isolation?  Not so common.  We reference social isolation a lot around here, but we have never had a whole post about it. Seeing as I have recently been in the depths of social isolation, it seemed time to change that.

First, let’s get some misconceptions out of the way.

Social isolation is not the same as alone time or solitude.

Social isolation is not introversion.

Okay, so what is social isolation? Don’t worry, I’m getting there.

What Does Social Isolation Look Like?

This probably seems obvious.  Social isolation looks like isolating oneself from other people, right?  Right.  But it isn’t always that simple.  Sometimes social isolation isn’t just holing up at home and watching Netflix. It can be more nuanced.  Let’s use my own social isolation as a little case study, in the form of a little self-interview:

Have you left the house? 

Sure.  I have been going to work, running errands, going to the movies, going to yoga.  I see other people all the time.

Have you been answering your phone?

Uhhhh . . . . not exactly.

Have you been replying to text messages?

Hmmmm . . . yes.  Usually when someone finally texts me a question like

Have you gotten together with any friends or family socially?

Wellllllll . . .  I had dinner with someone a few weeks ago I think.  Or maybe it was a month ago.  And I always chat politely with the guy at the counter when I pick up my carry-out falafel.

Have you lied and said you weren’t feeling well to decline or cancel plans?

It wasn’t lying, I am mentally not feeling well!!!

Here is the thing about social isolation: there are cases that it looks like hiding in the house 24/7 with no outside contact.  But often it doesn’t look like that.  Many people who are socially isolating are like me - they are still getting out and doing things.   When you going to work or school, the gym, you kids’ events, etc so it is easy to say, “I’m not socially isolating, I’m out and about”.  But it is the content of that time that is important.  Seeing other people and engaging in meaningful social interaction are two very, very different things.  I might have gone to yoga and seen 20 other people there.  That doesn’t mean I am not socially isolating.  Sure, the yoga was great for my physical and mental health in other ways, but it wasn’t social engagement if I didn’t talk to anyone!

What Does Social Isolation Feel Like?

Many people hear the words “social isolation” and make a lot of assumptions about what it feels like, so let’s keep this case study going to answer some feelings questions.

Your social isolation has felt completely terrible, right?

Wrong.  My social isolation felt pretty great, especially early on.  I didn’t have to worry about or think about anyone but myself.  I didn’t have to answer the question “how are you doing?”.  I didn’t have to worry about anyone else’s needs.  Not only did it not feel completely terrible, there were moments it felt glorious.

Well, if it felt pretty great then is wasn’t a problem, right? 

Unfortunately, wrong.  When I was just taking a break and getting a little alone time, that wasn’t a problem.  But that wasn’t social isolation, that was me being balanced and meeting my solitude needs.  The problem was when I started actively ignoring people, avoiding people I love and care about, and not opening myself up to anyone else’s feedback, support, perspective, or anything else.

You’re writing a post about your social isolation now, so did you know all along you were socially isolating?

Nope, not at all.  At first I was just taking some happy, healthy alone time.  I used the fact that I needed a break and that it was, at first, a good thing to stay in denial once it was creeping from alone time into isolation.  Then I rationalized by saying things to myself like, “I’m still getting out and doing things – I’m going to yoga, I’m going to see movies, I’m going to work, it’s fine”.  Even though I know one can do all those things and still be socially isolating, I didn’t want to admit that is what I was doing.

So when did you know it was a problem?  Was it when it started to feel bad?

No, it really wasn’t.  I knew it was a problem when I looked at my text messages and realized I hadn’t replied to the last five people who had texted me, even though they were people I really love.  I didn’t want to reply to them, it felt good not to have to interact with anyone, it felt good not to have to tell them how I was doing [not great] or deal with questions like do you want to get dinner [nope, not really] but I rationally knew it wasn’t a good thing.  Ultimately I knew it would create distance between us that I didn’t want.  I knew if I kept ignoring people they would stop reaching out (not because they are bad friends, but because if you ignore someone long enough and don’t tell them what is going on or what you need from them, they will probably eventually assume you want them to back off), and then it would be even harder for me to stop isolating.  So it still felt good to be isolating, even though rationally I knew it wasn’t good.

What do you do about social isolation?

Good question.  There is no one answer of how to break the cycle of social isolation.  As someone starting to come out the other side, I can tell you some things I have been doing and share some other tips and tricks.

  • Stop rationalizing. I had to remind myself that telling the teenage girl who served me my popcorn at the movie theatre that I liked her earring did not count as social interaction.  I had to look at the stories I was telling myself that were allowing me to believe that my isolation wasn’t a problem.
  • Tell people you’re isolating. Seriously, this is hard and feels crazy, but it works.  After ignoring a text for three days, some friends of mine received replies like
  • It is okay to ease back in slowly and be selective. Reaching out to someone doesn’t mean you have to jump back in to book clubs and dance parties tomorrow.  Some of my friends who got the text above, then got a text like
  • Sometimes you need to do things you don’t want to do. I know, it sucks.  But our brains do this annoying thing where sometimes things feel good even when they aren’t good for us, so we have to act against our brains.  Push yourself.  Say yes to an invitation, even if you aren’t up for it, just to start breaking the isolation habit and to connect with someone you love. Remember that just because we don’t want to do something it doesn’t mean there aren’t benefits to doing it!
  • Ask a safe and trusted person for help. Consider who in your support system might be best able to gently support you out of your social isolation cycle and ask them for some help.  Do something low key with them.  Ask them to check in with you regularly.  Ask them to keep inviting you and pushing you, even when you aren’t being cooperative.
  • Remember that social isolation and social anxiety are different (though they can be related). If the reason you are isolating is because of fear and anxiety about interacting with people, professional support for social anxiety is important.  Reaching out to a counselor or therapist can be hugely helpful.
  • If your friends disappeared after a loss, your isolation may feel outside of your control. Check out some of our posts on managing friends disappearing.  This may mean finding a new support system or reaching back out and re-establishing some old relationships.
  • If you have been isolating so long that people stopped reaching out, take the first step. Reach out to those people.  Apologize if you need to.  Explain what you have been going through.  Tell them you are trying to dig out of that isolation pit and would love to get together.  It isn’t easy, but it is doable.    Grab your phone.  Right now.
  • Remember, you can still have plenty of solitude and alone time. Life is all about balance.  Breaking out of social isolation doesn’t mean you have to stop that healthy and valuable practice of getting alone time.  It just means that you keep it in check.

Had experience with social isolation?  Tell us about it – leave a comment!

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261 Comments on "This Is What Social Isolation Looks Like"

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  1. Susan  January 31, 2024 at 4:21 pm Reply

    Hello everyone,
    I Absolutely understand and appreciate this article on social isolation. I’m currently working on my own personal living and trying to get back out in the world once again. Through out my life I have always struggled with interacting and socializing with other people. After my older brother passed away when I was 14yrs old I was so traumatized. My mother and two older sister’s moved on, and I was basically left in an empty home by myself. Somehow I found a way to get through it by myself and always maintained attending school. I was actually a cheerleader, and popular with most of my peers. Yet I think back and can’t remember much about my high school years. It’s all a haze, and I know only by friends and family telling me things I did and said that hurt their feelings. As an adult now I realize that I usually watched people & their behavior. They would scare me if I didn’t feel safe or comfortable around them. But no one deserves to be hurt verbally by anyone. I never thought about their feelings and what they might be going through. I’ve apologized for hurting my loved ones & because of their own feelings about my past behavior it’s been difficult to process.
    I recently lost my oldest sister 2 years ago & ran into some difficulties with my relatives. I couldn’t find a way to process in a respectful manner because I was unable to cope around them. They were really disrespectful in my opinion & I was feeling so exhausted & misunderstood. Like I said it’s hard to be around people & my communication with others is difficult. My sister’s service was very traumatizing as I just gave up & isolated. Which I told myself was ok, yet I had nephews and my own children that need me. Children grieving don’t need more issues that we as adults forget when we’re coping.
    I love my family, and unfortunately I had to take sometime to remove myself from a toxic sister & close relatives. This new path of taking the time to really think things through carefully and lovingly for myself in grieving, being emotionally intelligent (researching),
    regulating myself & MY behavior. Utilizing my resources in my doctors, psychologist, case managers, therapy. I have been diagnosed with bipolar & consistently keep up with my medication as there are times when I need a change in dosage or another medication that might help more then the ones I’m currently taking.
    I have a few trusting supportive friends who really care and have been nothing but encouraging. I restently felt so down about a few things and I reached out to two close friends to ask and give them my phone number. They both were so happy to hear from me, one even said ” I was waiting for you to open your Facebook account again because you’ve been on my mind and I’ve been praying for you” I cried reading her message as I was feeling so alone. My other friend immediately answered back sent her phone number to me. Also telling me she’s here when I need someone and don’t ever forget what a beautiful strong woman I am. Thank God for good people.
    I understand my situation and how I have a choice to stay socially isolated or move forward and live life in my own ways to make sure when it’s my time to go I’ll leave a beautiful imprint in this world. Forgive me for the long comment. I love how I share with others who somewhat understand & I’m not alone. Expressing myself and feelings feels so uplifting & healthy. Please know I’m not trying to single anyone out in my comment, and I hope I can be respectful in that sense.

    Thank you all!

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    • Litsa  February 2, 2024 at 7:00 am Reply

      Please never feel the need apologize for a long comment here 🙂 We welcome the dialogue and space for people to express whatever is coming up for them – there are so few spaces to engage fully about things like grief and the difficult experiences that come with it (isolation included) so we are grateful when people ae willing to open up here and believe others who visit are grateful and benefit from it as well.

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      • Susan  February 4, 2024 at 1:15 am

        Thank you Litsa 🙂

        I appreciate your comment and it sure does help expressing grief & processing through it to make it out the door. What’s always uplifting for me is seeing folks that remember me from here and there so happy to see me and have the kindest ways of chatting & sharing with me about themselves. I come home excited to clean, write or make more plan’s to get out and do something i enjoy.
        Thank you!

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  2. Cj  December 31, 2023 at 5:59 am Reply

    My sister isolates me 24/7 taking care of my mom with dementia, I recently watched my dad die right in front of me while she went on vacation .
    I have 2 -3 hour breaks once a week , I have asked for two nights off weekly so mom and I can have break from each other and I can see my family.
    I am going to treatment centre next week and she has to watch mom for two weeks and she had the nerve to say she is missing her. Grand daughter game and I have only been to three games of my grand babies .
    She is the rudest person I know and she is poa in dads estate and won’t give me statements I asked for but has no problem living six hours away and telling mum and I what to do .
    She is so mean she took Netflix off moms tv and that is what she watched everyday .
    Help how do I handle her treating me like I don’t deserve breaks and caregiver isn’t easy , she thinks it’s a joke when I tell her I need time for me and all she can say is it’s not hard at all.

  3. Milah  April 26, 2023 at 12:04 pm Reply

    Thank you for writing and sharing this with the world!
    I would never guess I would ever end up in a place of social isolation. I am always with people always doing things for and with people. But over the last year I have stepped away from my norm in the name of I’m being called to concentrate on my family and other things like homeless outreach. I never saw anything really change in me. I actually seem to stay just as busy but without the friend one on one times as before.
    A friend of mine that we spent every Saturday together for almost a year says “I think you have been holding yourself,your time and energy back from people who love you. You don’t give yourself to us anymore!!! And we miss you.”

    That hit mee hard like what, I’ve been busy doing life. I’m sorry you want more of me then I have to give you. Rolling my eyes and irritated.
    But then I really took it to heart and thought it over and over. Maybe I have stopped sharing my thoughts and such as much. I wasn’t showing up in conversations. Just there I guess when we even had time together every few months. Maybe she’s right maybe something is not right with me …….okay once a month let’s plan a whole day together. That was my answer but is that enough, can I show up like before? Do I have it in my???
    A few weeks go by.
    This past weekend I was with my sis and niece. I realized no meaningful conversations were had until Christmas plans came up … I said no not doing Christmas this year. They have it to me. So now I’m questioning is there something wrong with me like really?
    My niece says ” Meaningful conversations should happen but you should be happy just sitting in someone’s presence too.” Nah, not me if there’s no conversation of the heart at times I’m out Id rather sit alone by myself.

    I think I’m just done trying to connect with certain people that I’ve been burned out and don’t want to give anything anymore.
    Ugh, people!

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  4. Tee  December 6, 2022 at 7:04 am Reply

    Wow, what a fantastic article! I literally gasped and laughed out loud as I could relate to it so much, especially the bit about counting silly little things as social interactions! Brilliantly honest piece.

    My experience with social isolation started in mid-March 2022, when my beautiful dog passed away. He was my entire world so this absolutely destroyed me. Every single aspect of my life revolved around him, so his loss created a huge void. I’ve lost human family members in recent years but pet deaths hit me so much harder.

    I had what was probably some sort of mental breakdown for six weeks, crying almost constantly and isolating in the house that held so many memories (good and bad), before deciding to move to the other end of the country for a fresh start. That was a positive step in terms of my mental health, and I spent the first couple of weeks being really proactive in terms of meeting new people and trying to improve myself.

    Then, the next stage of grief really hit me, alongside a lot of other very stressful factors in my life. I work from home, so it’s very easy for me to avoid all human interaction for days on end (both in-person and online conversations). As a result, some days, I really struggle to physically get words out of my mouth properly, whether it’s with a stranger in the supermarket or my best friends. I’m now so anxious and on edge, yet I’m naturally the most laid-back person in the world.

    It really is scary how much I’ve changed, yet it’s only really hitting me now, after eight or nine months of this. I know I have to change and am going to try to get better. Good luck, everyone!

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  5. Larry  December 3, 2022 at 3:49 am Reply

    And then there are folks, like me, whose parents had no friends and no social skills, and who was so terribly bullied in school that I also had no friends at all – zero – in high school and in adulthood have only had a few, only lasting at most a handful of years, and none have survived to the present. Yeah – folks like me to have NEVER been exposed to anything BUT social isolation and would NEVER RECOGNIZE NORMAL SOCIALIZATION because they have never experienced it.

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    • Christopher Allen Barnes  December 28, 2022 at 2:15 am Reply

      Humm… Random no correlation!

      1
  6. Maria  July 24, 2022 at 11:19 pm Reply

    Wow, I really enjoyed reading this. I’m 44 years old and I’ve been unfortunately been through a lot in my childhood and as an adult, things that have left me so broken and devastated (some information is just too sensitive and graphic even just by giving it a name), I’ve been mistreated by my own family for years, literally bullied and disrespected by my two older brothers. The one brother especially loves making me a target, he would be verbally abusive and when I was only 5 he was physically abusive in an inappropriate way, he,my oldest brother and my dad. We live in different cities so I just moved on chose happiness and I have been blessed with a husband who treats me like his princess, but then 5 years ago my dad got ill, I went to be a support to my mom and because it’s not in my nature I was a bit slow at first but soon picked up that my brother enjoyed taking jabs at me. On the night of my dad’s memorial, I had asked all the family kids there while they were all together, if they wouldn’t please make time to play with my son, their smallest little cousin because he is feeling lonely. Minutes later the whole family is seated at the dinner table. We are 4 siblings and 8 kids amongst us who were already in their teenager years and my mom was seated next to my brother. He came to supper a bit late and I told him, I’d been wondering where he was. Well the next moment I got hit with a bag of rocks, he was zoomed in and I could see he was not playing but I had no clue what was going on. He has a very loud voice and dominanating his surroundings is vital to him. The next thing I knew I was been made a very good example of infront of the entire family. He really went for my gut. He said that his daughter was crying upstairs because of the way I had shouted at her. He just made sure that he did such a good job that not one of my other family members said a word, nobody tried to get him to calm down or ease up. I felt like I was seated at this judgment table and he had just cast me out of the family. That became very clear when nobody in my whole family even greeted me the next morning. They iced me. I returned to my own city but it was clear that I was needing professional help because seeing my dad every day for 3 months in the hospital and praying for him etc. It really had drained me emotionally but now to be mistreated like this and lied about after feeling so emotionally exhausted and daily dealing with my brothers ways of bullying and more I cracked! I needed to go see a professional but couldn’t get the picture out of my mind that nobody, not even my mom said anything. My brother is extremely dominanating. I eventually was sent somewhere where I could just go rest and get treatment and recover. After his son practically doing the same thing to my son a bit later who was 16 years old at the time and my son definitely needed professional support. That’s when I drew a line in the sand. I keep wanting to at least sit with my mom and tell her that I didn’t do it but she’s iced me out and refuses to hear anything which tells me she cares nothing about my pain as long as nobody talks about her favourite son. So I estimate it’s been 5 years now of me feels and acting even more irrational than before because my mother doesn’t want to respect my decision and made it clear that she wants no old things brought up, we can talk about anything but the past must be left in the past. So basically my mom was admitting to me that she really doesn’t care about doesn’t want to hear. There’s 5 years out of my little that I kept a big secret from her and she couldn’t care. So my self isolation started around 5 years ago. It’s like you said, it’s actually a wonderful feeling in the beginning, it drowns out the noise but I look at myself and feel pathetic. I hate answering phone calls and messages. It’s almost like some kind of panic attack, my phone has been on silent the last 5 years, I’m such a self isolater, so I’m looking for reading material on how I could possibly overcome this.

    Any positive comments are welcome.

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    • Lu22  August 2, 2022 at 6:39 am Reply

      Maria I’m 40 and enjoyed reading this article too and when I read your comment I was like wow, so similar to my situation. I too suffered a lot of childhood trauma at the hands of my family, being bullied and mentally/physically abused by my two older siblings. Made worse because my Mum just stood by and did nothing, sometimes even joining in. I don’t even know why I refer to her as a “Mum” because she certainly isn’t. She’s rejected me since I was young and it’s continued throughout my life, with the rejection extending to my own children – her grandchildren. Yet my two older siblings are the apples of her eye who can do no wrong. She has always maintained a loving, caring and nurturing relationship with them and their children. When I look back, I spent so many years desperate for my Mum and siblings to accept me into their clique, but it never happened. They always rejected me. I believe my older siblings have always followed my Mums lead from when we were young, and that she actively encouraged them to be horrible. I believe it was all down to the fact that when I was little I was a Daddy’s girl and she was very jealous. On the the subject of my Dad, he eventually left my Mum when I was a teenager, however he too rejected me when he started a new family. So you see my life has been full of rejection and mistreatment at the hands of those who are supposed to love you the most. It’s only through my thirties and now at 40 I realise the serious damage that has been done. I’ve spent years with agoraphobia, depression, anxiety and self isolation. I can go months and months with not responding to texts/calls etc and not speaking to anyone except my children. It’s been my life for so many years now I don’t think I will ever change. However just from reading your story I realise I’m not alone. There are a lot of us out there suffering in self isolated silence. Sending lots of hugs x

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  7. MRB  May 15, 2022 at 11:17 am Reply

    This post made me irrationally angry. I haven’t been not answering the phone or not replying to texts. I can’t choose to be less socially isolated. I feel trapped. No one reaches out to me. I’m alone and when I ask for support that only alienates people further. No one wants to support me. They say, well maybe someone else will, not realizing they were that someone else.

    I spend a lot of time thinking about, what am I doing wrong? Why do I see other people getting support and feel unsupported myself. Am I too mean? I’m I too boring? But I see mean and boring people with rewarding social lives, partners, children, etc. I’m 41 years old and feel like I’ve exhausted my pool of support. Mostly the feedback I get is that I’m too needy. Apparently once a month is too much need I guess. I dunno. I feel horrible, all my relationships are unrewarding, and I don’t know how or what to change. I’ve been in therapy for most of the past decade but they’re like “wow you’re awesome you’re engaging and smart and funny I don’t understand why it’s not working for you”. I am pretty smart and engaging and funny! I’m decent looking, financially successful. But I can’t connect with anyone and it hurts.

    Thanks for reading

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    • Litsa  May 16, 2022 at 1:52 pm Reply

      That isn’t irrational, MRB! They are just different kinds of social isolation and is just one. We do have some other posts about what you are describing – when people pull away or when you just don’t have the people you need. One thing to consider is to seek out new relationships if the ones you are engaged in aren’t working, which I know can be easier said than done. Meetup is always a great space, as well as some of the newer friend-meeting apps. Also, sometimes groups for people who are new to the area are great for people looking to meet new people in the area – often those are both people you haven’t encountered, even if you live in a smaller area. They often are obviously also seeking out new connections. I think also asking for more detailed feedback on what ‘too needy’ means – that is very broad. Is it that you are asking a lot and not giving back? Is what you are asking or how, etc. When people share feedback like that, I think asking people to be more specific really helps.

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  8. Lala  May 8, 2022 at 8:12 am Reply

    I just woke up and realized I’m 38 with 3 kids and a mental fuck of a relationship. I’ve maintained myself lookswise in hopes I can find an escape from this captivity. I literally have no friends when I say no I mean none that call on the regular or even call on bdays . I know a lot of people but none a friend. I’ve been beat up on verbally and emotionally by a lot . My own mother and sister hate and despise me. I’ve dealt with a lot of emotional and verbal abuse from my mother . I’ve dated men over the years that have beat up on me pretty bad verbally and emotionally and have experienced physical abuse . You say leave , I’ve accepted my fate in this world , I’ve accepted I was meant for this life so there’s no need fighting it , I’ve surrendered it all at this point . I’m a very reactive person , I have no control of my emotions and thoughts anymore. I strongly believe there’s a curse on the women of this family has my mom had the same relationship with her mom and her mom with hers . I know I can’t change or things can’t get better at this point. So I’m also ok with that . Some people are born as serial killers , I was born to suffer and be treated as I have all my life ! When can I go out by myself ? I go to the gym everyday it doesn’t help , I took meds at one point it only made me work out more to not get big. Do you know what it’s like to wake up knowing you will do absolutely nothing ? I don’t feel anything , I cry a lot to the point I get panic attacks , I can’t function properly to car for my kids because I’m literally sad every second . I do my best to not let them see . But I’m not fooling anyone they can sense it. I burst out randomly crying in public or anywhere . The years of verbal abuse makes me do damaging things to my body , I don’t have a full body picture one because I have no one to take it and 2 I find myself repulsive. Not matter what I do I know this isn’t something that I should bother getting help with cos like I said I’m 38! I ce tried church and tried spiritual things only to realize it’s not worth it. It’s easier to accept my reality than try to change it .

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  9. Maria Lazaro  May 6, 2022 at 2:02 pm Reply

    Hello,
    I have just read this article, and I cannot certainly say if I am doing social isolation either or not by what is seen in this article. I am not a social person, because in the big groups i isolate myself, don’t talk with the people who surround me, so the people I meet usually dissappear for unknown reasons. At first I thought it was because of my hearing problems, i thought that the reason why I did this was because I couldn’t understand when someone was speaking to me in a group, so I got a solution, hearing aids, but I have started to notice since last year that it was something more, and it got worse on this last semester. I have been studying abroad since last August, and last semester I had a roommate, and this was my very first time living in the same room with another person, as I am an only child. This roommate was completely opposite from me, as they kept playing online with their friends back in their homecountry, and this worsened my already very low selfesteem, as they kept unconsciously reminding me something I am not. However, I did not tell them about this because I did not want to disturb them, to stop them from something they love. This is why my situation got worse, I believe, as I started to to avoid responding to messages of my family, the people I love in this same time, because I was sad and angry because I could not say to my roommate, and it added up to the already bad thoughts I have of me.
    However now it is a bit better, since I have started to force myself to answer back to the few people who write to me, because I was able to get an individual room in an apartment for 3 people with 3 bedrooms. I have tried to meet a few people this semester as well, and both people ghosted me for unknown reasons, and I am honestly tired of this, tired of getting out and bring the one who forces the relationship, tired of being the first one to propose plans and start the conversations and tired of being worried about someone who does not worry about me. But it is when I see that they are out when it hits me that they most probably will be with their friends, whereas when I am out is for mostly shopping and getting stared at for being alone, and it hits me like a truck. I want to have a family, have a few friends and have a good life, and I feel that I will not have that if I don’t socialize, but I am scared and tired from getting hurt.

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    • Danny  July 10, 2022 at 1:04 pm Reply

      Maria

      I have been in a spot that I can understand yours. There is light at the end of the tunnel, even though it may seem like a distant speck. I learned sometimes the best thing is one foot in front of the other. By that you move on from the past but not expecting from the future and living in each step. It may free some of your mind. I hope the best for you.

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  10. Heidi  April 11, 2022 at 12:29 pm Reply

    This is more for my daughter who I am very worried about. She used to be social and went to school, had friends, was on the wrestling team, and played violin. Then midway through 10th grade, she stopped everything. EVERYTHING. We had to switch her to virtual school to get her through high school. I would have to speak with her teachers for her, relay the question, and have her answer me so the the teacher could her her answers. It was strenuous. She spent 2 weeks in a facility and was placed on medication to stabilize mood/depression. She got better after she graduated and went on to college. Then they weaned her off the medicine and she slid right back to where she was before. She doesnt tell anyone she loves them. She is mean to her siblings if she is forced out from her room. She will stay in her room in bed all day and not do anything. She doesnt work and no longer goes to school. She doesnt help with anything unless I tell her to. She seems to have no ambition to do anything. Not even play her violin or read books. She isnt interested in her computer anymore and seems disinterested in everything. We are trying to support her in every way that we can right now and get her help. I created a schedule for her to give her some movement during the day. And contacted her drs. I take her every where i can take her to get her out around people. And she now goes out back to walk around in our yard or helps me with our garden – again if I tell her to. I cant tell if this is a mental thing or if she is just comfortable living at home and feeling like shes not needing to be responsible. She is now 20. Anyone go through anything similar and what helped?

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    • Litsa  April 11, 2022 at 8:33 pm Reply

      Hi Heidi, it is impossible to give advice without knowing her, but first and foremost I would ask her – how is she feeling? People don’t usually just stop socializing, school, hobbies, and work without a reason – be that either a mental health issue or an event. Without things like that to give one’s days and life a sense of purpose and direction, it can be very hard to stay connected. If the medication was effective and weaning off created a backslide, I’m wondering if she’s considered going back on the medication. Medication is something that some people need indefinitely – that is nothing to be ashamed of at all! If she really doesn’t like medication, TMS (transcranial magnetic stimulation) can be very helpful for depression. Does she have a therapist? Medication alone without therapy is not nearly as effective as with therapy and in some cases, depending what is going on, therapy alone is all that a person needs. I’m sure as a parent this is hard to watch – engaging with her to talk about working on it together is probably the first and best step.

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  11. Chris  March 27, 2022 at 11:51 am Reply

    Okay, Im way worse. I don’t turn invitations because I never get any. SO WHERE DO I FIND HELP ASAP? Email me if you want to.

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    • Litsa  April 12, 2022 at 10:43 pm Reply

      Chris, I’m so sorry you’re feeling isolated and don’t have social connections. Two good places to start can be seeking a therapist, if you don’t have one already. If you call your insurance company they may be able to direct you to people in your area, or a listing like psychology today is a directory you can search. Finding ways to connect with other people to make social connections can mean trying new things – classes, events, checking eventbrite and meetup as well as community calendars.

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  12. Zoya  December 30, 2021 at 12:06 pm Reply

    Lately, I deleted all social media.
    I casually make plans with friends but tend to cancel at the last minute because I don’t feel like it. Also, the cold is pretty bothersome. I’d rather stay in, but I am worried that I might lose all my friends at this rate.
    It does feel good but also, scares me. I don’t want to lose friends but I also don’t want to socialize.

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  13. Joseph  December 26, 2021 at 2:36 pm Reply

    October 2019 I started a journey to find out who I was without being in a relationship because from the age 16 to 35 I had been jumping from one relationship to another. I never really been single or lived alone, so 5 months into that journey the pandemic hit people were told to socially distance themselves and lockdowns were put into place but I wasn’t to bothered bc I had been doing that prior. 2020 goes by like I’ve figured out who I am and what I want in life and who I want in my life because for some reason people have become so negative and put off a vibration so low that when I’m not working I’d rather be at home and I feel happy and don’t mind being in solitude. Don’t get me wrong I have interactions when I feel the need with a female friend or two that know I don’t want relationship with and agree to be friends but thats only when I know I can put up with their ignorance (which isn’t but a few hours). Somehow it’s December 26, 2021, I’m still socially distancing besides the occasional meetup, also still cutting out negative people in my life, and I’m still hitting ignore when people call. I haven’t been this happy and at ease with life since I can remember. I don’t see anything wrong with doing what makes you happy even if it’s being in solitude not dealing with people and bull crap they bring. Live your life how you want to and f*ck what people have to say.

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  14. Not telling ‘cus I don’t want to deal with the hate.  December 12, 2021 at 11:17 pm Reply

    I thought social isolation was when society was isolating you?

    Like, I’m so tired of being called out for supposed racism that I’m ready to just hide in my house forever. Saturday a woman came absolutely unglued because I had red shoe laces. A couple months ago I was berated for having a Celtic symbol on my purse. I’ve even been told that my name is racist and that by refusing to change it, I’m engaging in cultural appropriation. I was even called a TERF because I still menstruate. Apparently, if you don’t use a form of BC that stops your period, it’s sexist against trans people.

    It all seems so overwhelming. What can I do?

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    • Litsa  December 27, 2021 at 3:25 pm Reply

      What you’re describing is typically called social exclusion. Social isolation is typically when a person, either by choice or based on limitation such as location or mobility, isolates from society. We are a grief website, so dealing with what you are describing is not our area of expertise. That said, it is important to remember that we cannot change other people, we can only change ourselves and our responses. Working with a therapist on what is in your control to shift your responses to these incidents in a way that might allow you to still feel safe and comfortable socially, despite knowing that incidents like this may occasionally occur.

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    • Heidi  April 11, 2022 at 12:38 pm Reply

      Hi Not Telling,
      I would encourage you to be you and not change for anyone. If anyone has a problem with anything you are or are doing/have, tell them its not your responsibility to cater to them and if they dont like it, they have the freedom to move on and go somewhere else. Celebrate who you are, what your name is and its origins and why your parents chose that name. That is unique to you and no one can take that away. Wear whatever colors you want to and have that Celtic symbol on your purse. Its not their purse, its yours and you like it. Ignore those expressing a problem with you because thats their own issues/problems. Its not you. Its something they will need to come to terms with themselves. Enjoy life how you want to and express yourself however makes you happy. 🙂

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    • Lostinthemess  April 14, 2022 at 3:51 pm Reply

      WTH ? Things have really gotten crazy and seemed to have changed overnight. I remember when Celtic symbols and the Claddaugh ring was so cool . I’m sorry if claddaugh doesn’t fit here. But MAN being berated for having a period ? Like going through what we do/did every month hasn’t been enough !?!? Im 58 yrs old and I am just bewildered and scared and sad for what appears to be far more insane suffering in the world than in the past. Far more corruption to the point where I’m not sure if a person with even a decent income will be able to afford a house . We just want a normal life with friends, seeing bands, movies , eating out etc. Well that’s my dream anyway. I was isolating before the pandemic and created a real mess for myself. I’ve always been pretty empathic and of course thrown in the childhood abuse and the subsequent sign on my head that attracted all manner of emotional abuses in men I never married or had kids. If I have a horrible time happening I don’t have someone I feel comfortable calling . At my age hth do you rebuild an entire life that takes decades to cultivate. See I never wanted to upset people by rambling on the phone so I just withdrew like a turtle for decades ! Family could give 2 s$&ts. I also admire people who can speak their mind and have everything be okay. What freedom in that. I’m tired of being agreeable and worried sick what others think . What a mess. Anyway I got wayy off track here. And I just have to say I live in a rural area and counseling hasn’t really worked and they always seemed to be booked anyway. And the meds have mot worked because this is a spiritual problem . I think. Anyway I was always pretty sociable so this is very weird to have happened. I wonder if our world will come back to some sort of normalcy and stop all the judgement and corruption. I hope what is happening is so that it is out in the open so it can be dealt with . Not so we can be smothered out with it all. I hope things are going to get better for you. Again sorry for this long ramble

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  15. Lex  November 22, 2021 at 10:27 am Reply

    I’ve been really struggling lately. I have always been social and when COVID hit, I didn’t know how to adjust. I have tried my best but I think I went to extremes. Since the world shut down and we couldn’t be around anyone except family, I just pushed everyone away completely. I have a deep rooted fear of abandonment and this took it to a whole other level. I feel the most alone that I have ever been in my life. I lost a lot of friends during COVID and due to life choices right before the pandemic. I saw a photo of my ex-bestfriend with other friends and I felt so rejected. I want my life back but nothing is the same now or will ever be the same. I feel stuck in this pit of despair, longing for my friends back but unable to reach out because I don’t know who to trust anymore. I don’t want to be left again so it feels like I’ll rather suffer alone then let someone in just for them to judge me or leave me like everyone always has

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  16. Cf  September 25, 2021 at 5:09 am Reply

    After my uncle passed away 5 yrs ago. I stay at home and it doesn’t bother me as long as I got my tv. Some people think that I might go crazy but really I’m used to it. People be using me most of the time but it will catch up to them One day. No one comes to check on me unless they want something but it’s ok.

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  17. Cassy  September 23, 2021 at 4:37 am Reply

    Hi! I really think that I’m also experiencing the “social isolation”. I don’t really know where it starts, but I think, thinks were getting worst… At first doing everything on my own is really awesome, like, I’m contented, doing everything alone? It’s just so amazing and peaceful. But know, I think I also start losing my self. I don’t really know when and how it started, but what I’m sure is that, it’s getting worst. At first, it’s just about, my feelings towards my friends like, they texting and calling me, but I don’t answer it? And when they send me so many messages I just say some alibi’s, it was actually ok at first since I have quality time with myself, know more about my self, but it makes me feel that I already kept my distance far from them. And know? I really feel that I’m not ok. Because my new classmates start sending me messages, but I really feel annoyed and I was thinking, why is she texting me, we’re not even friends. But then I realized that I’ve been so rude and so straightforward not even thinking that she’ll get annoyed about how I act. But that’s not actually my problem… My biggest problem is that, I think I start losing my self? Like, everytime that I need to do something like school activities, I don’t enjoy at all, it’s hard for me to answer those questions, and I can’t express my self. And it’s so hard, trying to think why and how, I ended up, at this version of my life.

  18. Jimmy Harrper  September 5, 2021 at 7:36 pm Reply

    Hi there it’s my first time doing something like this plus I live with aspergers depression severe levels of anxiety and PTSD but I’ve been social isolated myself since covid but not for that reason it. Originally had something to do with it but it has went beyond that yes I go to the stores I goto my therapy appointments and doctors but its mostly where I lost my 7 year relationship with my ex she cheated on me during the height of the pandemic back in december 2020 I was starting to bounce back to normal then she decided to move out and now I bearly leave my home which I don’t drive so that is normal even when my ex was living here but I went to a lot of places with her but its much more worse now I’m lonely have nobody to call my own and I have seperation anxiety its literally my worst nightmare for it im living in now so I avoid the town she is living in which is 10 miles from me due to that and well I’m working with my therpaist about this so that’s my story

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  19. AnthonyLamaudière  July 6, 2021 at 11:36 am Reply

    Thanks for the interesting article.
    I was wondering what the difference is between social isolation as you described (not feeling like having social interactions) and feeling isolated from society (as a whole).
    I think these two are interwoven and maybe the first leads to the second.
    In one of our videos (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k6apHqeya9I), Samia recommends seeking out people outside of your normal social circle as this can help you break an impasse.
    Of course, social anxiety can make this hard.
    Do you have any thoughts about this advice?

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  20. Emily Hamilton  July 5, 2021 at 1:44 pm Reply

    I was socially isolating long before the whole covid-19 thing happened. When the covid-19 thing happened? It was awesome because I had permission to give to myself that it was okay to just stay in and not go anywhere when that’s all I do anyway basically. Recently suffered a heartbreak at almost 50 years old something I have not had since I was a teenager made me realize I had only been in love twice my first love and this last one. It’s been really hard I don’t want to see anyone sometimes but yet I miss everyone. A lot of my friends have died in the past few years and when I say a lot I mean a lot. Strange things accidents fires storms and having sheds fall on them cirrhosis of the liver you name it. So there’s been all of that and then when I got my heart broken? It just got worse. Now it’s strange for me to interact with people because I haven’t done that for so long. I have very very few friends because most of them sadly have passed away the past few years. The guy that I was in love with turned into something I didn’t understand until I found out he was interested in satanism.I thought it was all my fault I thought the reason he treated me bad is cuz I did shit that wasn’t right and sometimes I did but I didn’t deserve that. I knew I couldn’t compete with the whole Satanism thing nor did I want to and he treated me so bad for so long I was beginning to hate him anyway. I b. I have never suffered in a relationship with what is called codependency? I feel it now! Everything I’m about what my self worth was was all about what he thought of me and I became a stranger to myself. I am the characteristics of my own wounds! I woke up one day in the middle of my room I had no clue who I was I had no clue why I even loved to this guy for so long because he wasn’t good and he hadn’t been good for 2 years but yet I hang on to this toxicity contributing to it yes definitely but looking for the man I fell in love with. I wanted to show him my worth I wanted him to see my worth but I realized he can’t see my worth! He can’t see his own worth and that’s why he can’t see mine. But I’m still sad and I’m still pretty lost. I don’t talk to anybody. When I do which is very rare I am so excited and happy to talk to someone that will actually listen and give me input and that I’m actually talking to you I don’t give people a chance and I should but I’m so afraid of being hurt sometimes but after being with this guy Marcus he made me fearless in a way his cruelty was his kindness because now I’m fearless I’m not afraid to fall in love again and I’m not afraid to be loved I am my own best friend I am the the gold the silver the bronze the wind beneath my own wings lining! But yet am i? That’s my revenge on him not needing to hear his voice to get my closure. Ghosted! That hurts that’s why I’m this way I don’t know how to deal with it. And I’m pissed and I want to get even with him again but I already did I’m doing well I’m doing better but I have moments like this fuck

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  21. JC from Holland  July 5, 2021 at 12:46 am Reply

    My social isolaion comes with my lifstyle. I am a digital nomad, I travel on a motorcycle (currently through Mexico) I have not had valuable friendships for more than 6 years I guess, just some chitter-chatter here and there, but no substantial conversations. and like another commenter wrote: This whole social distancing emphasized it. Living in my own safety bubble makes me even more a recluse than I was before. Sometimes I miss human interaction that goes beyond some polite conversation with the guy at the gasoline station. Most of the time I am okay. But I do realize that more and more I am hiding. I am not so active on social media as well, so I guess it is just me and my diary…….

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  22. Shaheed  May 25, 2021 at 12:40 am Reply

    Sometimes I think this whole social distancing, quarantine thing has took my isolation to another level! It started as necessity, Now I’m just a reclusive social misfit!😂😂😭😭😵

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  23. Ryan  April 17, 2021 at 12:00 pm Reply

    Where do i start? Ive had it rough since i was a teenager with mental health issues surfacing at 16 and other traumas happening around that age i never had it easy, but the way i feel these days is hopeless. Like this is it, its always going to be gloomy almost like i cant breathe, i have had a mental health support team and i feel asif up until a couple of years ago they used to listen but now when im saying to them i think im depressed or im having a bad week or im angry at this and that person they turn a blind eye to my situation bearing in mind i took an attempt on my life last summer, i snap at people want to be left alone from everybody and everything my “friends” dont bother and unlike some of the comments here i enjoy friendships and have actively pursued them but people take advantage of my kindness start rumors and trouble for me or steal off me or straight up ignore me, the only person i really have that listens is my mother but shes going through her own troubles what with my grandad dying in 2019 and i feel i cant get my point across to her like i used to i recently found my biological father and since i found him (he doesnt want to know me) and my grandad dying i am constantly stressed to the point of anger and almost feel like im suffocating sometimes i did what people said got off the drugs stopped being in the bad crowd sorted my stuff in life out basically, and for what to be left abandoned with no hope in sight for the past 2 weeks ive wanted an end to either feeling like this or an end completely if thats what its going to take to stop feeling so hopeless and lost i dont know what i did wrong to people and i know once i do sort myself out ill only have time for myself and my mother and family as people have genuinely showed me what they are about and what a friendship with me means to them. Thought id vent and let a bit of steam off…

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    • Gilbert Ramirez Jr  April 26, 2022 at 3:59 pm Reply

      I have always been to myself but never at the level I have reached recently. Cause of the choices I’ve made in life and the people I also chose to hang around with plus my drug abuse its fair to say I’ve been bullied, my kindness taken for weakness, dropped altogether and even too ashamed to talk to anyone about it or on how to get help. From these episodes of being used, mentally abused or taken advantage of I began self isolation from the world period. I mean at my age ,38, I have gone thru so much pain I feel like I can’t take no more from anyone else or I might snap. I usually do when those things happen and do some outlandish things towards the ones responsible or if not to anyone when I go thru those episodes of vengeance or grief. But recently I don’t even have the energy to retaliate or even lift a finger towards anyone who tries to get one up on me cause everyone sees how I don’t do nothing so everyone, literally everyone, shows no mercy or care and takes advantage of it entirely. It’s been over a year since I tried making a new friend, worked, started a relationship with a woman, or even just went out to have a drink even to myself. I stay at my mother’s and try not to go out cause the last relationship I had the girl stoled from me, my mother and my dead father’s belongings the whole time sneaking out at night and sleeping with people just to slander my name and ruin my reputation. She and my neighbor took it upon themselves, since I’m a very impulsive person who’s quick to overreact and cause a scene, and record these episodes only to edit the part where they instigate my anger or frustration and only show me acting foul towards her or them to everyone and now everyone thinks I’m someone I’m not or just this crazy guy who you should avoid at all means. On top of that she got me hooked on a fake version of meth and after I refused to be with her any longer has her boy toys come and tell me they can sell me this fake meth but never tell me they are with her and since I was trusting towards everyone I would fall for it and get played with till passed on to the next dealer who I found out later they all were friends who were messing around with her. I know it doesn’t seem possible for someone to do or act like that towards another human being but honestly it has and did happen to me. I don’t know why I’m sharing this or writing this down so someone can read it and maybe make the assumption that I’m just looking for attention or just complaining. No, I have no one and I pushed away everyone I loved to the point that I’m literally alone with no one to talk too or confine in. I’ve given up on humanity all together and pray that one day it will get better but then I remember the last time I was in this situation and my self isolation went on for 4 yrs. Only work, gym, eat at a restaurant then back home. Repeat. So I’m afraid on how long this one will last cause I feel worst off than that last time. Thanks for sharing your stories and I hope mine will not be looked at as depressive or pity upon. Be safe. I’m trying to kick this drug but my want to try interactions with others is still not there cause I now feel everyone is out to get me, use me or even hurt me intentionally. I am also diagnosed with, bi polar depression, schizophrenia, severe anxiety, insomnia and PTSD from my time in a security max prison. Just an FYI on how my conditions also make it hard for me to socialize or trust cause sometimes, most the time I can’t trust my own thoughts. I live with my mother but she day in and day out constantly reminds me on my failures in life and how I’m now making her life harder and she tells me she can no longer help me when I never ask her for help. But I don’t want to live like this anymore and can’t find work and with the psychosis I went thru cause of that fake meth I don’t think I’ll make a good employee or friend I’m left with the thought that this is it for me. This is how a once happy, outgoing, caring and loving man used to be before being tossed aside, used and taken advantage of all the while who is also no longer wanted or needed by anyone.

      • Litsa  April 29, 2022 at 3:53 am

        Gilbert, it sounds to me like you can still be a very good employee and friend. You have undoubtedly been through so much, but from your words it sounds like you are both self-aware and aware of the impact that people have on one another – for good and bad. There is support out there. It sounds as if you have been involved in mental health treatment in the past, but if you are not currently connected with a therapist I would suggest you get connected with one. You can call the number on your insurance card, you can check the psychologytoday directory, and in many areas you can call 211 and they have an assistance line that can help you locate support. Rebuilding after losing relationships is hard but it is possible and it is worth it. You know you are able to be caring, loving and happy, you have been happy, and with some support you can get back there. Often when things are the darkest our brains lie to us and make us feel that state is permanent. It isn’t. If it ever feels so bad that you are thinking of hurting yourself, please contact the suicide prevention line at 1-800-273-8255 or go to their site for an online chat https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

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  24. Maddy H  March 27, 2021 at 11:05 pm Reply

    My depression and anxiety has driven me to the point that I isolate at least once or twice per month lately. I am lucky enough to have a friend who tells me not to do it and that she doesn’t support me isolating. She checks on me and makes sure I’m ok, but I feel so guilty for the way I am. I feel so worthless and like I’m just living with no point. My family cares about me and I live in the house with them, but I am in online college and I haven’t done any work all semester. My brain makes me feels so horrible, and I keep catching myself calling myself a lowlife.
    If things don’t get better soon, I don’t know how much worse I can get. I used to be an optimistic and extroverted person, but depression has hit me so hard. I am a horrible friend and daughter/sister, I only cause people around me worry and stress.
    I miss being happy and optimistic without the sudden and sharp decline afterwards. I hope I get better.

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    • Anonymous  August 30, 2021 at 4:55 am Reply

      Hey,

      I am going through the same thing. I read all the comments in this article. but yours bought me to tears because it is exactly how i m feeling. Especially where you said you miss being happy without feeling sad about it right after. I started going to therapy, i hope it helps. i hope you get better too. And you will dw!

  25. Mason  March 27, 2021 at 4:37 pm Reply

    Problem is, I have to socially isolate because I have no choice. No friends, very few dating opportunities (pretty rarely, ultimately one of us is way more interested than the other), not really any family. People don’t seem to really like me and have had a lot of negative experiences with people, from being openly mocked in the gym to management at work spreading terrible rumors. So it’s not as easy as “go out and make new friends” unfortunately.

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  26. Richard  February 28, 2021 at 2:48 pm Reply

    Finding this site for the first time this evening. I too find myself in extreme isolation. This is not something that is entirely new to me. I would say that for the majority of my life isolation has been a major factor. I had generally learnt to cope with it as it became my norm. However recently a series of events have occured that mean that suddenly I am not coping with it. The past month has been a hellish experience, and I do not see my way through it. Not only do I not have the social contacts and interactions (which appears to be common among users of this site), a few years ago I chose to live in a foreign country, where I do not properly understand the language. Therefore many of the solutions for alleviating the problem are not available to me. It seemed adventurous at the time (and I had a few years of enjoying the change), but now it would seem that the chickens have well-and-truly come home to roost, and I am suffering terribly because of my foolish choices. I have reached a point where I am barely functioning throughout the day.

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    • Alanamae Duff  April 11, 2021 at 2:17 pm Reply

      Richard. Nice to get to communicate a little tho ..
      I’m in my home state of Calif. which has totally become a foreign country.. Whoever wrote this blog has little to gripe about
      They’re going to classes , movies. There’s none of that here , and with covid still leering , there won’t be
      I’ve spent most my life being alone or isolated when I wasn’t caretaking for family. My 20s were a little more social, but still make seed alot. Rarely find ones to relate to. People v ty distant and protective now
      I’ve spent most of time devoted to rescuing and keeping Kitties..most of whom were feral born and Never would’ve had a chance or life without me… So as heartbreaking as it can be at times. ..of that I’m pretty proud… What country are you in ? And where Should you be ??

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  27. Diedra  February 26, 2021 at 10:51 am Reply

    I am glad I found this ! I have been socially isolating for about 5 years. I’m a mom, I’m married to a real nice guy for over 20 years. I have 2 kids , who were 13 and 17 at the time it all went downhill for me. I had a big group of friends I went on vacations with , spent many weekends with, all the parents of my daughters friends. I had a job I wanted and worked very hard to get. Things were going pretty well for my family. I had seem to overcome my abusive childhood, the one thing that hurt was that my dad ( who I think has undiagnosed mental illness) was mad at me again , didn’t talk to me or my kids for over 3 years, in turn it made it very hard to see or talk to my mom because my of my dad’s ultra controlling abusive behavior. That was the thing I had to live with , my group of friends replaced the loss of my parents bc of my dad’s abusive controlling ways.
    My son was getting into trouble for a couple years , he was wild , smoking pot , drinking , things I went through and thought he would grow out of. He definitely had alot of anxiety about friends and school , we decided to get him into counseling at 15 ,or 16. I had read alot about medications being too harsh for the growing brain , so we tried a couple therapists , it didn’t help. All the while my son was self medicating with zanex. We didn’t know until we found them in his wallet. It was too late , he was addicted to zanex . By his senior year was totally out of control. He had violent mood swings , stopped caring about school or real life , started selling drugs , sneaking out in the middle of the night , fighting with us about everything , quit his job, got arrested , it was so bad .we spent nights driving around looking for him , days in contact with his school , where he had to do counseling to graduate because he was in school high. Did I mention that I was a stay at home mom for 10 years, and a teacher ?
    Anyway, I was trying to keep it together, but when he left and didn’t come back and he didn’t graduate , I was devastated, scared , it crushed me as a mom. I turned off Facebook bc I just couldn’t stand to see all of his friends graduation pictures.
    I realized that my friends were not there for me , I was afraid to be judged by them bc my son was addicted to drugs. I told them about my son , I couldn’t hang out with them bc it was so heavy , I wasn’t happy any more , I was scared and filled with self blame. None of my friends seemed to notice or care about what I was going through. I cried all the time , my son took over my mind. If I went out for drinks with them I ended up crying and going home.
    One weekend we went on trip with my friends and my 13 year old daughter and her friend weren’t listening to me and I yelled at them , I was a mess , the night before the trip my husband and son were physically fighting , my husband called the police , it was bad. I never slept , but I didn’t want to let my daughter down , so we went on the trip anyway.
    My daughters friend told her parents I yelled at her and they got mad at me and stopped being my friends. These were the friends I was closest too. My whole life was tangled up with these people who didn’t like me anymore.
    At this same time , my mother was diagnosed with early onset alzheimers. It affected her in such a way that she couldn’t use the phone anymore. Because she couldn’t call me when dad wasn’t around, my communication was cut off from her. I was devastated, my mother was only in her 50’s. I was so sad not to have my mom to talk to anymore, and I was so scared for my son.
    I began to self isolate more and more. I stopped talking to my friend group , my grandmother,I couldn’t burden her with the serious drug problem my son developed. I stopped going to our annual family Christmas, because I was so embarrassed and ashamed of my bad parenting. I talk to my gramma again , but I couldn’t talk to her for at least a year. My son became a heroin and Crack addict. He overdosed a couple months ago ,luckily he didn’t die. He is 23 now . Been living in and out if rehabs and sober living since age 17. He lies, manipulates , its still not good , I grieve for the loss of the life he could have had. I blame my self for his addiction. I talk to him a lot , he has brain damage now. Unfortunately there are rehabs that allow you to smoke pot , so you just are not going to get sober that way . He is a mess, can’t take care of himself.
    I have since made up with my dad because he needed my help in taking care of my mom , who is in the end stages of alzheimers now. I haven’t seen her since October bc of covid.
    During all if this , I was working as an art teacher in my town , the school I always wanted to teach at. I threw myself into it ! It was a welcome distraction from the sad things going on in my life. I was not experienced with 8th graders , I had a very large 8th grade class , 25 kids ! I could not get them to listen ! The class was crazy , I asked for an aid , didn’t get one and a student accused my of hitting her and I lost my job. It was embarrassing, I had to go to court , was accused of child abuse , it was so scary , so bad . It was really terrible. I’m the end I was found not guilty, because I was not guilty. But I don’t teach any more.
    My life fell apart and although I could see my mom again I had to deal with my dad and his crazy abusive ways , kind of messed with my head.
    I self isolated , and when covid happened I was relieved , everyone had to isolate ! I didn’t seem so weird ! It was perfect. I am staring to feel better ,but I still don’t trust people and I’m kind of afraid of people.

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    • Tina  March 2, 2021 at 11:46 am Reply

      Deidra,
      Thank you for your honesty and post.
      I needed your story, as mine is similar. Your words make me feel less alone. Our dtr has the disease for more than 10 years and her husband recently passed from an overdose. It is so painful. The truth I have faced is you reach out and few people have true empathy or know how to help you including many health care providers. I do not want to give up but isolation seems to protect you after years of rejection or criticism from those you love the most. Recently I have been honest and a few relatives have totally been there for us. I still feel vulnerable.
      But in my heart I still want to stay safe from the pain. Some have been toxic like in your story, doesn’t love ask why did she do this, this is not like her….. a big reason you isolate to begin with is no one really seems to get it…
      Your brain tells you isolation not answer but heart and emotions and your primal brains tells you to protect yourself and family. Meanwhile your family is disintegrating inside and out.
      Some days shame and guilt seem to be breakfast and sadness is lunch and dinner is isolation. But in all of that you do seek joy and love,and always hope.
      I am unable to compartmentalize the grief.
      We need each other. Life is not suppose to be like this.
      Thank you for sharing your story I really wondered am I the only one who feels this way.💞 But I now know I am not alone.
      I am sorry you have to endure this pain. I am here and praying and sending healing thoughts to you and your family.💞

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  28. Andrea  February 3, 2021 at 5:18 pm Reply

    Lately, I’ve been feeling better and I don’t want anyone to disturb my peace, that’s the reason I isolate myself from others. Also, I’m more productive and I’ve been organizing my afternoons to do as much as I can.

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  29. Gino Fernández  January 15, 2021 at 9:59 am Reply

    I’ve been isolating alot latley and it’s not just bcuz of covid. For so long now I just feel like I’m just exisisting. I find moments of inspiration and it fades away. Days run into each other to the point I’ve been weeks off in time, thinking it’s a certain date and it’s actually a week further ahead. Like time is moving faster, but for me time is going slow…I joke that I actually seen a second hand tick backwards as I watched the clock ticking one night. It turns into utter despair. That in addition with depression and anxiety issues already and it feels like I fighting a losing battle. Again I remain hopeful, but honestly I hav’nt been living in a few years now, just existing.

    Never been suicidal, but I feel guilty at the lowest of times with everything going on with depression there has been times where I literally thought I dont want to wake up, I just don’t feel like waking up. Sad thing is I have a 12 year old son who basically keeps me fighting, but I feel guilty thinking that i sort if wished I could give up. I think if I could do what I really wanted would I be happy??? I think probably, but who knows. I’m a freelance illustrator and think if I could travel around covering sporting events and traveling to document places for magazines as a visual journalist I might be happier, but I don’t think I could take the steps to get there, like a catch 22. The worst part is as this isolation goes on I get more confused about everything.

    At times I think maybe if I meet a girl I might find more inspiration through her, but I don’t really know about that as my relationships have always been just shallow, even though some have spanned years, there was very little depth in them. Don’t get me wrong they were good and we had fun and love, but thinking back there wasnt much there. Ah well, see the more I think the more confused.

    Isolation just sucks, although at this time it has been a healthy devotion haha. Isolation is just a big societal problem I think more and more people are struggling with. He’ll I’m struggling with it and I’ve always been an introvert, usually longing for alone time. I’m just gonna keep hoping something changes within me because there are no problems around me. In fact I’m more blessed as I do have my son living with me and that fights loneliness, but he’s a pre teen and he’s just branching off into parts of his life, but I’m always thankful he’s right up in his room if I need someone to BS with.

    It’s just this world…At times it seem hopeless and it gets to me even though I try not to let it. I really just wanted to state that I’m isolated, I know alot of other people are isolated and we dont know how to fix it, because there are big problems with interaction in today’s society. I hate to think of future generations if something doesn’t change. People are just gonna get further and further from each other.

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    • IsabelleS  January 15, 2021 at 11:27 am Reply

      Gino, I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through this. It sounds as though you recognize that your desire to self-isolate isn’t helping you… That’s a great first step! Have you considered enlisting the help of a therapist, which you can find here:https://complicatedgrief.columbia.edu/for-the-public/find-a-therapist/. I, too, am glad you have your son to give you motivation, support, and hope. If you are thinking of hurting yourself, or even if you just need someone to talk with, please call the National Suicide Helpline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit their website where you can do a live online chat https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ All the best to you.

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    • Cary Champagne  January 20, 2021 at 3:00 am Reply

      Gino, Same here it’s very frustrating I understand what you’re saying and you are not alone, sometimes I feel everybody against me I shouldn’t have to feel this way thats not my personality ever since this pandemic happen I order online for things and pick it up if I have to go appointment I go besides that I stay to myself it also was hard at first to remember to wear the face mask lol.. And it’s like when I stopped using a backpack for school and trying to get use to a purse so that was a lot adjustment lol besides that my anxiety and depression is there I haven’t been this way in a long time I also stopped going on social media it’s really getting overrated and getting crazy sometimes I go on messenger besides that nah if you really need to talk to someone I’m here for you also I have a mental illness as well I said two of them so I never done this before in a column before hope I’m not repeating myself you are not alone ok if you want you and I hope I’m not breaking anything here is my email address [EMAIL REMOVED] ok take care I also have some resources also night.

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    • Chisom  February 4, 2021 at 3:32 pm Reply

      Hi Gino, I’m Chisom!

      I understand you, on very very deep levels. I have depression, anxiety, borderline personality disorder as well as some other things.

      I recently got diagnosed but I had to stop therapy because of the pandemic. Unlike you, I’m suicidal… Not all the time though.

      I feel you’re really lucky to have your son living with you. I’m a teenager and I now stay alone, I don’t pick up people’s calls or reply texts. I’ve totally deserted social media and I’m done my best to make sure I’m unreachable.

      I’ve always loved solitude but I recognise that I’m isolating now. It affects me sometimes because I feel so lonely, I feel that no one cares and that it wouldn’t matter if I died. Then I hate myself for always pushing people away. And then, I only feel more depressed and isolate even more.

      The worst part is that I fell in love with someone, finally found a reason to live and then, he had to leave. He had to leave because of reasons beyond our control but then, it hurts so bad! I feel like I finally found something beautiful and life took it from me. Makes me wonder, maybe I don’t deserve good things.

      Once more, I see no reason to continue living and these past few days have been hell. I think there’s something wrong with me and I think I might never really find happiness.

      I’m trying to reach out to friends that I’ve isolated for about 5 months and I don’t even know how to. I don’t know how to explain what I’m going through and I wonder if they’ll even understand. I’m terrified that I’ll isolate myself again and then they’ll leave forever. I’m really scared and just the thought gives me so much anxiety. The thought that I’m pushing more people away doubles my anxiety.

      This is very confusing and I really don’t know what to do. I’m going to try to continue therapy as soon as I can and I might even have to take medication. Honestly though, I don’t care. I just want to feel better because right now, I feel like I’m trapped in a terrible cycle. I’d rather die than be stuck here.

      I usually don’t write in comment columns but I know there’s someone who relates to this… Just the thought of that is comforting. If you’re that person, hold on tight, we’ll be fine💪🏽

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      • Isabelle Siegel  February 9, 2021 at 10:34 am

        Hi, Chisom. Thank you for taking the time to comment and to share your story. Please know that you are not alone and that you have so much to live for. If you are thinking of hurting yourself, or even if you just need someone to talk with, please call the National Suicide Helpline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit their website where you can do a live online chat https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ Do not give up hope. You will find a way through this.

  30. Ali  January 7, 2021 at 3:23 pm Reply

    I think it started 6 years ago after I witnessed a verbal passive bullying experience for 3 years. I mean I used to be more socially connected with others and always the centre of groups and talks, but I realised as time went on I liked the idea and feeling of just do personal stuff without other people interfering, and this habit started to grow and expend over time. These days I don’t really talk much, aside from the communication needed to convey my usual daily needs with my family I also cancel (more like ignore) any big friend hangouts. I think it got to point where I feel annoyed from my online classes and project sessions even though no direct connection or communication is conducted. I just feel like as if I wanna get more sociable like I used to but probably not with the surrounding around me and that’s all hard to cope with!!! Any ideas on what to do?

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    • IsabelleS  January 8, 2021 at 1:55 pm Reply

      Ali, it seems as though you’re taking the first step towards reconnecting with people… which is great and something to be proud of in and of itself! Perhaps you would find it helpful to reach out to a therapist or counselor who could help you navigate this process? All the best.

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  31. Alex  January 6, 2021 at 10:23 pm Reply

    I think im okay, at least i tll myself that, try to convince myself i am. I realized today that i dont want to do anything, be aorund anyone. I dont like interacting anymore, i just dont talk. People notice, but I just say i dont feel like being around anyone. I have recently noticed that i dont even want to see anyone. I used to love seeing my boyfriend allll the time, and now, i dont want to see anyone. I cry a lot, and i just want to be by myself. Am i weird for this?

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    • IsabelleS  January 7, 2021 at 10:36 am Reply

      Alex, I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through this. As cliché as it sounds, it’s okay not to be okay. You’re not “weird” for wanting to self-isolate… This is such a normal grief response. Have you communicated to your boyfriend and others that you need some time alone? If your desire to self-isolate persists to the point where it interferes with your ability to function, you may want to reach out to a therapist trained in grief, which you can find here: https://complicatedgrief.columbia.edu/for-the-public/find-a-therapist/. All the best to you.

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  32. j.r.  January 3, 2021 at 11:35 pm Reply

    I wish somebody would text me to see if I’m still alive. Alas, I am a burdensome annoyance, nothing more.

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    • IsabelleS  January 4, 2021 at 12:19 pm Reply

      J.R., I’m sorry you feel this way. I’m here to tell you: You’re not a burden. You’re not an annoyance.

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    • Chisom  February 4, 2021 at 3:40 pm Reply

      Hi j.r how are you doing today? Well, just checking up on you and reminding you that you’re important, you’re valued and loved💖

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  33. David  December 24, 2020 at 2:39 pm Reply

    I have always been quite introverted, even when i was socialising, i was more of an observer than a participant. I have a cycle of diving in and pulling back, but this time i have withdrawn completely. I am a relative stranger in a small seaside town on the north coast of England and, after 6yrs, i barely know a soul and, although it pains me to admit it, am a little desperate. I cant sleep and have spent weeks going over old mistakes, rethinking old decisions and really dont know what to do. I thought i had made peace with my lifestyle but i was wrong. If anyone reads this, and can do ANYTHING for themselves before it gets to this stage, you must. This is no way to live

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    • IsabelleS  December 28, 2020 at 2:14 pm Reply

      David, I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through this. You sound as though you feel “stuck” like this forever… Please know that it’s NEVER too late to reach out to those around you. You have the power to change your lifestyle. You may find it helpful to begin by speaking to a therapist, which you can find here: https://grief.com/grief-counselor-directory/ All the best to you.

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  34. Mitch  December 20, 2020 at 1:40 am Reply

    I don’t understand why it has been so hard for me to break my isolation habit, responding even to texts is excruciating. I can only do needed errands now and have always canceled any events or get-togethers with anyone. I often have to reschedule Dr. Appointments because the anxiety now with leaving the house is unbearable. I have lost all confidence in talking to others, cashiers, waiters, etc.. which is so far beyond my character and who I ‘used to be’. There isn’t one person I know who would notice if I died here in my home, I am certain I wouldn’t be found for some time. It seems I am just waiting for death to ‘happen’ so I can reunite with my Mom, Dad, and brother. I know this sounds pitiful, and so much darker having them ‘out loud’.
    I know I have amazing gifts & much to offer the world and others, but I just can’t seem to the one-step for making the changes needed. I feel it is too late, and there is no one in my life that I would choose to spend my time with. That is how long it has been. (2011) These last many years (especially since Trump), I lost faith in Humanity’s intelligence, their lack of compassion and hatred toward many groups, and just the ridiculous antics and how many ppl support him. I’m not saying this to troll, it’s just the truth hearing from the new SCJ, “Breathing is not a human right”. I gained this belief of why bother with a society like this and it is all just so overwhelming. I truly think I have given up on a SOUL level and there isn’t any coming back from this isolation, fear, and disgust with people & their joyless eyes. I used to be the goof who would dance in the grocery store aisle or do something silly just to make another laugh or smile if they seemed like they needed it. Random acts of kindness and all that.. paying things forward, helping others. I haven’t done any of that for a very long time. My ‘bucket’ is empty, and I have no resources to fill it. I just feel so broken, but your article helped me feel less alone. Thanks for that one. Also, forced me out of denial with my excuses and cancellations, “until there were none” or no one.
    How do you get back to a life you never really had? or even want anymore. Well, at least I got all of this off my chest and said some things out loud that I really needed to look at. That alone is therapeutic.
    Thank you again, for the share.

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    • IsabelleS  December 21, 2020 at 11:15 am Reply

      Mitch, I’m so sorry for the losses you have experienced and that you are going through this. Breaking out of the habit of self-isolating is a lot easier said than done… Don’t be so tough on yourself. That being said, it is never too late. You can still take steps to form connections and to reach out to others. I’m glad this article brought you some comfort and communicated to you that you’re not alone in this… That’s what we’re here for! You may want to seek out the support of a therapist trained in grief, which you can find here: https://grief.com/grief-counselor-directory/. If you are thinking of hurting yourself, or even if you just need someone to talk with, please call the National Suicide Helpline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit their website where you can do a live online chat https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ All the best to you.

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    • Chisom  February 4, 2021 at 3:46 pm Reply

      Hi Mitch, I kinda get you and I’m sure it must hurt so much. Therapy helps though and I think you can start from there… you’ll get better!☺️

  35. Anis  October 21, 2020 at 9:23 am Reply

    I can relate with the whole article. What’s stated there is what I’m feeling and doing right now but I still can’t ignore the urge to cut all the connections with my friends eventho I love them so freaking much. Im struggling to be socialize as usual and I also have deactive all my social media account. It feels exactly the same, thought that self isolation is the best solution I can think but deep down in my heart, I know it’s irrational

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  36. Anna  October 11, 2020 at 1:43 am Reply

    I had a major emotional/life fail, then due to things I had no control, my friends changed or I felt all the patterns, or so to say “normal behaviors” of my friends change. I then stopped to reach for them and actually evade appointments. Then it became more and more pervasive. I felt no sparkling of curiosity in cultivating new relationships because all communications were rotten. As if people were either telling lies or accomodate me for some sort of charity/pity or the conversation simply disappointed me or anger me. I deleted Facebook because I felt lonelier using it, I would put like, comments even but no one would very much be there for my post, I pushed my self with anxiety to a charity and worked with them for a while organizing or trying to organize event of fundraising where no one of my friends partecipated or even replied. So I deleted the account..I then stopped even going out to do anything. To walk the dog or do grocery or even walks, I don’t have a job, so it changed little. And I don’t have it since so long it actually don’t matter anymore to me. I create online art and stuff and no one of the people I know ever bought something, not even family members. While I did for friends and fam and partecipate to events in the past. I closed myself and wanted rather fantasize at home then deal with the reality. For the first 3 months I simply overslept. Trying to dream away my life.Then I started to wake up, playing video games and then watch tv then go to sleep and repeat. After the first three months, pandemic hit and I did not have to change anything. I simply went on. No phone calls no zoom calls, no messages except seldom write to my bestie that knows me since high school(like texting her 3 times in 6 months). I have now reached the 11 months. And I have no desire to go out and talk. In a way I don’t even like my first language and I feel more lively if I hear it less and less. I read and see movies in English. If I do I feel less depressed.
    I don’t want to kill myself but I don’t want to live in this reality either.
    Thankfully I live with my parents and my pet.

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    • IsabelleS  October 11, 2020 at 2:18 pm Reply

      Hi Anna, I am so sorry that you are going through this. I am glad to hear that you live with loved ones. Can you try to engage with them, or maybe to reach out to your friend(s)? It may also be helpful to reach out to a therapist or counselor who could help you understand why you’re feeling this way. If you ever do think of hurting yourself, or even if you just need someone to talk with, please call the National Suicide Helpline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit their website where you can do a live online chat https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/. My heart goes out to you, Anna. All the best!

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    • Raphaela  November 11, 2020 at 12:16 pm Reply

      I can totally relate with you. It felt like everyone’s hypocrite. Buuuhh.

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      • Hannah Cole buie  December 6, 2020 at 6:42 pm

        I was in hospital for depression last Christmas. Bcouldnt take any of the medicines. Stayed away from groups for a while. Went back to one one day when I wasn’t ready. Leader was mean to me. Known her all my life older. Felt hurt. Heard they were talking about me and medicine the next week I didn’t go. Then pandemic. I have been totally isolated. Severe anxiety and woe. Have a few people not them checking on me haven’t responded to them lately. Holidays went downhill. Heard from no one. Got back to painting watercolors and oils for a while. In a gallery right at pandemic and have hardly painted. My husband has no money anyway he’s who I live with and it’s been bad. Miss my mother and best friend who passed away several years ago. Two separate people. I dread the holidays I once loved. Tried medicines can’t take. Get out rarely to exercise don’t cook anymore and don’t have much appetite. Don’t know what to do. Circles under eyes. Don’t look like me anymore. Barely dress just don’t want to do anything. Money issues. Never had many friends. Not even putting wreath on door. Don’t know how I’ll til Christmas. It’s hard every year for a while but feel like giving up now. Feel shunned from once we’re a few groups.

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      • IsabelleS  December 7, 2020 at 10:18 am

        I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through all of this and that you feel so alone. The holidays bring with them unique challenges, some of which we have written about here: https://whatsyourgrief.com/blog/?category=holidays-and-special-days Perhaps you should seek out the support of a therapist trained in grief, which you can find here: https://grief.com/grief-counselor-directory/. If you are thinking of hurting yourself, or even if you just need someone to talk with, please call the National Suicide Helpline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit their website where you can do a live online chat https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

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    • Samiam  November 13, 2020 at 1:33 am Reply

      I am the same but I feel okay. I guess this is peace.

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  37. Chloe  September 18, 2020 at 4:54 am Reply

    Atleast you have people messaging you. Imagin having Noone. Not one person. And being ignored by people at you place of work/study. Imagine this happening for years. So I don’t think you know real social isolation.

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    • Maria Heinz  December 24, 2020 at 4:59 am Reply

      It’s possible that the name „social isolation“ does not fit to this particular text but it still helped me to know that extroverted people can experience something like this, even if one does have friends. This does not feel good either, even if its „only“ under a year.

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  38. July  August 17, 2020 at 4:23 pm Reply

    I have isolated for about a year. I have social anxiety and am on disability because of it. I try to avoid all socialization except getting groceries or other fundmental needs met. I dread it when I go out and so happy when i return to safety. Im not lonely. I love to read, learn things. I am an attorney and nurse and if you would have said then that I would be like this now, i would have totally laughed.

    I like doing nice things for people as long as I dont have to interact with them. I cant sleep if I know I have to interact with someone I know. I can talk to strangers without any issue.

    Everything ive read talks about how harmful it is. Sometimes I think im just lazy but I really think its this extreme paranoia to interact with others. I have broken off relationships with almost all my friends. Im not sad or lonely.

    if Im happy with my isolative life so why change it? I eat well but need to exercise more. Thoughts?

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    • Litsa  August 17, 2020 at 10:04 pm Reply

      I think you point to something here about the difference between isolation and solitude. Some people just need less social interaction. They are okay alone most of the time and don’t feel a sense of loss around friends or family they are no longer in touch with. If this is you, and you have done an honest assessment and know you true don’t feel a sense of loss around spending your time alone, and it isn’t to avoid things that are difficult at the expense of things that are good, than it might just be good old solitude. You enjoy being alone and you aren’t pushing others away in a way that causes harm. I would just say to be cautious to really explore whether there is any piece that is a defense mechanism. Sometimes we tell ourselves our anxiety isn’t causing harm so we don’t have to work on it. We are strong believers that there are no all-or-nothing situations – self-reflection is key.

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  39. gerry  August 6, 2020 at 5:43 pm Reply

    I don’t know exactly where to start but working as a nurse requires being nice,polite,caring and compassionate all the time and it’s a hard thing to do all the time. It leaves a person too tired to make conversation, go out, make friends, visit family, ect. A day off is rare and short and I have found it only as a time to recharge for the next day/week. I do love spending time and texting with my 2 sons, s/o, and father but that’s about it! It wasnt always this way but I just don’t have the energy! Maybe when I retire it will be better, I can only hope!

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    • July  August 17, 2020 at 4:29 pm Reply

      I really liked nursing because I could care for people on very short time period, share nothing personal and know they would probably be gone by by next shift. My anxiety was interaction with other staff or supervisors. Not having energy is not fun, esp. when you want to spend time with others but cant. Easy but impractical solution is to decrease hours. I guess I would just say you have no idea how many lives you touch without even knowing it. Maybe back down the intensity of work. Maybe find a less stressful nursing job. I wish you the very most of happiness.

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  40. Glory  June 27, 2020 at 8:37 am Reply

    How can I help someone in a Social Isolating state

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    • Shiney  December 5, 2020 at 10:15 pm Reply

      Reach out to them. Just a hi, thinking of you is nice to get. Drop by with a treat — if they don’t want to visit, leave it for them on the door. Invite them for coffee.

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  41. Ryan  June 21, 2020 at 12:44 am Reply

    “I knew it was a problem when I looked at my text messages and realized I hadn’t replied to the last five people who had texted me”

    This is where you lost me. It really pisses me off when people talk about feeling isolated and then they say “my husband/wife/boyfriend/girlfriend/kids/friends”.

    You feel bad you haven’t responded to the last 5 people who texted you. The only people that have texted me in like two years has been delivery people telling me my food is here. I have no friends. I’m 31 and have never been in a relationship in my life. I’ve been on a grand total of 3 dates and they all went terrible. My entire life is go to work, go home, go to bed, and repeat. Well now with the pandemic it’s more like stay home, work, go to bed. And my weekends and after work is basically just me on the couch waiting to go back to work.

    So when you talk about how bad your relationships are, all I have to say is at least you have them. You’re not broken, you’re just having a bad day. I’m broken.

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    • July  August 17, 2020 at 4:38 pm Reply

      im broken too. find things in your little world that you enjoy.

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    • Adrian  August 18, 2020 at 7:42 am Reply

      Hope you’re doing well. Maybe try reconnecting to some old friends or maybe try finding new friends in the internet, though it’s going to be harder because of the virus going on. Hopefully you find friends and resolve any of your problems. : )

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    • Lin  August 30, 2020 at 12:31 pm Reply

      I agree with you

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    • Chisom  February 4, 2021 at 4:13 pm Reply

      It is making it harder to meet new friends or connect with old ones. But there are options out there – from reaching out to friends you have lost touch with to joining an online support group, where you may connect with people who share your experience. When the world starts opening up again (or if it has where you are) meetup.com is a wonderful site that is not at all about dating – it is strictly about meeting people who share common interests. I haven’t looked recently, but I imagine they are probably doing online meetups! If you are thinking of hurting yourself, please right away get support. I know this feels like a permanent state, but please know that it is not. Getting connecting with the right group, the right therapist, and other support can be lifechanging. Please call 911, go into your local ER, or call the suicide prevention hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Even if you aren’t actively thinking of hurting yourself, the hotline number is a prevention line – it is a place where you can talk with someone any time, just when you need someone to talk to, to help prevent yourself from thoughts of suicide. Any of those resources can help you also get connected with a therapist, if you aren’t already. Or, if you have health insurance, you can call the number on your insurance card for more information. You can also find a listing of grief therapists specifically on grief.com. Please take care and we hope you find some support through our articles and the comments here

  42. Theresa Griffey  June 20, 2020 at 7:40 pm Reply

    There are days I just dont want to deal with anyone. Mostly because I have been hurt by many. I wish there were answers to this perplexing topic. Unfortunately, you get to embarrass yourself and admit how painfully alone you are. I cry daily, I hurt deeply. I m the kindness giving person I swear. I go out and help people who are stranded somewhere. I had a couple in front of my house stranded and helped them with getting their car towed. I helped families get food during Christmas that had none. But the hurt I receive is just heart breaking. I have one best friend that talks about everyone even her close friends. She will not go out in the town with me saying stupid excuses like ” I’m better looking then her and how embarrased she would be” b.s. I dont get invited anywhere. When I do its women who I will go but its single women who complain endlessly about not having a man. But all they want to do is go to goodwill or eat. Nothing can get them out to actually dance, go to a bar or just possibly meet a man. I’m so sick of I’m competition to them. So I sit home, or eventually I will walk up the street by myself to a bar. And see… people.. friends together have a great old time. I will even see people women who know me and play like ” hey, were ya been” when they are my friends on facebook. I cannot stand this fakeness. So I sit home alone and very sad. I have stupid men that just want to get I’m my pants and I want nothing to do with them. They cant just be my friend, because they cant handle if another man comes up and talks to me. I have been married several times. Seriously dont think I could ever be again as this is exactly what happens. They treat me like a princess until they get me to live with them or marry them and they throw away the key..no friends..no leaving without them to literally stalking me. No lie. I hate being alone most the time mainly because I think about suicide. I dont think I’m the type that should live alone. But I am alone. Women do not want me around. I could bend over backwards kissing their butts, praising them and nothing will make them invite me anywhere. My only friend will call me up and say hey let’s get something to eat and I’m ready to have her ditch me. All the time. I have known her my entire life. When I call her on it..she yells on the phone and blames me. Of course shes my only friend so a lay down and let her walk on me. I have attempted suicide several times in my past for the struggle of isolation due to people just plain dont want you around d..WOMEN DO NOT WANT ME AROUND. I laugh, I love, I give I give I give. To endless pain. It’s gotten so bad I cant even stand to look at people anymore. Truly wonder if god put me on this earth to hurt. Because i feel it deeply. I feel others pain so deeply also. I even give this friend a card a Christmas and she would bring gifts to other women at work and never me..while i was standing right there. I’m the type that would rather give..I guess it’s because I was abused as a child for 16 years and I never want anyone to hurt. I have a very difficult time accepting gifts. I feel guilt. Because truthfully I have not been given anything I didnt work for. So god said..she isn’t getting any love, please dont pity me I absolutely hate it. I have come to realize that God sees everything and does not understand humans treatment of eachother. I’m alone because I’m alone and have been casted out for reasons I cannot even understand. I’m so beautiful inside, I hurt for others I would give the shirt off my back. I have given my last dollar to those who needed it. Its unimaginable why this was the lie I have been handed. I’m a nurse who worked very hard to finish her bachelor’s in science degree and paid my way through. I have never been handed money, I grew up poor in a broken family. So I ask god. I pray to god what do you want from me? What is wrong with me? It’s like I’m just a waste..for what?

    4
    • July  August 17, 2020 at 4:36 pm Reply

      Send cards. Call and leave messages, flowers on doorstep. Ask them to come over for 5 minutes and you will make them a sandwich. dont give up on them.

      1
    • Judi  August 19, 2020 at 2:15 pm Reply

      I am alone too. My husband died 2-and-a-half years ago. I had a couple of friends but they walked away. I am compassionate like you. I don’t talk non-stop or have any glaring issues that would make someone not like me. I’ve tried to make another friend but apparently no one is interested. I have no one. Not kidding. The only reason I haven’t killed myself yet is because I don’t want to leave my dog without me. I planned on gassing myself in the garage but keep reading that today’s catalytic converters prevent this. I might buy a small generator and do it that way. I am so lonely which is why I am so desperate.

      4
      • Litsa  August 19, 2020 at 3:16 pm

        Judi,
        Please know there is always hope – this is a time when isolation feels deeper and darker than ever, as people simply can’t connect in the ways they did previously. It is making it harder to meet new friends or connect with old ones. But there are options out there – from reaching out to friends you have lost touch with to joining an online support group, where you may connect with people who share your experience. When the world starts opening up again (or if it has where you are) meetup.com is a wonderful site that is not at all about dating – it is strictly about meeting people who share common interests. I haven’t looked recently, but I imagine they are probably doing online meetups! If you are thinking of hurting yourself, please right away get support. I know this feels like a permanent state, but please know that it is not. Getting connecting with the right group, the right therapist, and other support can be lifechanging. Please call 911, go into your local ER, or call the suicide prevention hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Even if you aren’t actively thinking of hurting yourself, the hotline number is a prevention line – it is a place where you can talk with someone any time, just when you need someone to talk to, to help prevent yourself from thoughts of suicide. Any of those resources can help you also get connected with a therapist, if you aren’t already. Or, if you have health insurance, you can call the number on your insurance card for more information. You can also find a listing of grief therapists specifically on grief.com. Please take care and we hope you find some support through our articles and the comments here.

        2
      • Vivien  August 21, 2020 at 7:16 pm

        I also lost my husband 2 1/2 years ago.
        He died suddenly and all our couple friends deserted me.
        Since this pandemic, I have been totally isolated.
        I go for days and days not seeing or talking to anyone. I am an older woman and impossible to make friends at my age.
        I also think about what is the reason for going on.
        I doby have children and I feel like I am living alone on an island. It is very scary

        5
    • Heather  August 28, 2020 at 6:18 am Reply

      You are not alone. I can totally relate to the feeling. I have a hard time trusting people because I have been hurt. It’s not fun lying to yourself and pretending your friends are really for you. They prove time and time again they are not. I get used for kindness and then I get mad about it. Kinda dumb but I thought I would be appreciated more or included but nooooo. Whatever. Lol. Father God is the best I love our Father. I’m thankful you shared your story and I know you will connect with good friends who support you. They are out there. Trust yourself. You are fine just the way you are and you don’t have to do anything to be accepted. You are accepted. Okie sisterrrrr. Latah. *dances at bar with you*

    • Dawn McDonnell  September 19, 2020 at 10:25 am Reply

      HI Theresa,
      I was reading through some of these “whats your grief trying to get some ideas to say no to a dinner party I was invited to where I would not know a soul. I’m 59 attractive married 28 yrs with 3 kids. I read you were married several times and your an attractive nurse with a giving loving heart. Perhaps rather than looking for someone to do something with heres an idea…………. Join something in sports……….. Join a rowing team, gym with the intent to body build and share your skills, join an organization to help and assist young people, join a meet up club on line of something Theresa finds enjoyable. You can find a meet up to meet anywhere in the world! Pick a subject, pick an enjoyable activity with meaning, purpose and intention while Keeping your mind and body beautiful with limited focus on the outside and you will 100% meet some amazing people because what is within shines on the outside and you sound like the world needs you. Beauty doesn’t last……………… even with Botox. Character, muscle strength, confidence and a loving light does………….. even at 90- Roc on with your life and don’t bother with women who compete on the outside. They always have and always will.
      BTW I am a 5’10 dirty blond athletic type long lean about 160 trying to put on some muscle- like Ernstein Shepard( look her up) I was born with a skin disease and pretty darn ugly ( ichthyosis) all over so I get being unwanted and not attractive only my disease changed course over the years and I became a butterfly- Inside counts FIRST trust me on this one- Good luck

      1
    • Urrgh  November 19, 2020 at 5:50 am Reply

      There is no such thing as god. Nothing makes sense. If you want some purpose, you gotta create it by yourself. I’m not blaming anyone or anything, that’s just the hard truth.

      2
      • IsabelleS  November 24, 2020 at 1:00 pm

        Everyone has a unique relationship with spirituality and religion. Let’s all try to be mindful of this here.

        1
    • Diedra  February 26, 2021 at 11:08 am Reply

      I wish you lived near me , I would be your friend. Love to you!

  43. wordpress  June 16, 2020 at 10:56 am Reply

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    1
  44. Drey  June 5, 2020 at 3:49 pm Reply

    Over the course of this year I’ve been drifting in and out of isolation but ever since quarantine I’ve obviously not seen my friends in a long time.Being on social media or even picking up phone calls and replying to texts has become tiresome.I easily feel drained,I’ve been on dating apps recently as well but I don’t respond to matches.I’ve been seeing a therapist recently because I think there’s definitely more than just me loving my isolation.

    2
  45. Aaron  June 1, 2020 at 8:19 pm Reply

    As a physically and emotionally abused child, I learned to socially isolate from a very young age, long before I even knew what I was doing, and long before there was even a name for it. When a parent gets drunk and becomes abusive, no one has to know, because it’s your fault of course. The scars from that never went away. If you never let anyone get close, you never ever have anything to explain. Fast forward 40 some odd years to my wife passing away. I didn’t have the tools to deal with it or the lifetime of other issues that just got shoved under the rug so, again, it was just easier to isolate. She’s been gone ten years and I’ve stepped back from family and the few friends I had. I never answer the phone or emails and it can sometimes take weeks to answer text messages. I’m retired so the only thing that gets me out of the house on a regular basis is a trip to the grocery store once a week. Occasionally someone will find the right ‘guilt button’ and I’ll agree to go to dinner or stop by for a visit, but 99.9% of the time I don’t “feel well enough” to do anything. It’s ironic in a way; I afraid of being alone, but I do everything in my power to keep people as far away as possible. After 60 years it’s kind of a difficult habit to break.

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  46. Mari  May 28, 2020 at 12:31 am Reply

    I’v been in many ways social isolating most of my life. It started as a way to protect myself, I was bullied, so I started hanging out with people I didn’t really care about so it wouldn’t matter if they rejected me. When I got a bit older, I started to hang out with people whose opinion I held highly (I got scared after my dad got sick and made a conscious choice to do good by me). The unfortunate part, where I got lost, is moving away. I struggled to make new friends. I began to take it out on my family. I sought help but because I put all my energy in school, the therapist did not think my depression was as severe as I was making it. I started to give up. I moved back home after college but I had isolated so much and everyone else was gone, that it became hard. I’ve done group therapy and addressed many of my problems but the isolation has not let up. I’m well into adulthood now and realize how badly I need to socialize. I think the pandemic really shook me up. Without the gym, groups, or work I was no longer using being around people as an excuse to not put myself out there. I don’t know how to make friends. I looked through the comments and most everyone seems to come from a place of support and not from harsh judgment. I’m asking, how do you even make friends. It’s such an embarrassing question, but one I know I need answered.

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  47. Maeve  May 23, 2020 at 2:52 am Reply

    Geeze. Now I know why I prefer being alone. These comments are bloody boring. I don’t want that much info from my best friend let alone strangers. Gack.

    1
    • July  August 17, 2020 at 4:47 pm Reply

      You are hurtful to people who use this site for support. Get your angry self off this site and go to therapy. Id much rather be alone than deal with hostile people like you.

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  48. Lisa S  May 8, 2020 at 12:01 am Reply

    I first started isolating after an abusive relationship. Primarily due to shame and the loss of two close friends. They couldn’t handle my situation or how I was handling it. Basically they ditched me when I needed them most. That threw me into a deeper isolation. I wish I had more close friends at that time. They are sisters. One says later, the other follows. I finally got to the other side and emerge when I have yet another abusive relationship. This one much more verbal than physical. Left lasting damage. Again, I find myself ashamed and embarrassed. Now 40 . Never married and no kids. I am alone every day. The rest of the world is self isolating. That relieves some of my guilt. I love being alone most of the time, but there’s moments when I break down and have sad and even suicidal thoughts. I feel like my life is empty and pointless. Then that feeling passes and I am enjoying my freedom again. Working from home seems to have lowered my tolerance of people. Seems the more alone time I have the less capable I am dealing with people. Everybody annoys me. I’ll adjust and life will change. That’s one thing I can count on. I pray I’ll fall in love again, but this time with a decent person.

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    • mary Shea  August 15, 2020 at 10:45 am Reply

      I understand everything your going through, it’s hard when you had an abusive past. I’m here to talk if you need to.

      2
  49. GiGi  May 6, 2020 at 9:46 pm Reply

    After reading a lot of these comments: here’s my stance on the subject. I love being alone most of the time, I feel a sense of freedom and I don’t have to answer to no one when I want my alone time. However, sometimes I feel I may be selfish because I like to be around people when I chose to. I usually ask my friends to call me at least a few days to a week when they want us to go out on the town. I’m not a shy person with my girlfriends, but I tend to shy away from men I do believe because I had a few bad experiences. I’d rather just be their friend with no strings attached and definitely no sex. Lol. I’ve mostly been working at home on and off for almost 2 years. I love it when I go out to work, it gives me a chance to interact with others. I just hate the California long drives on the freeways. I’m very happy being around my grown children and my grandchildren, and I don’t particularly like having company at home. But selfishly I don’t mind you inviting me over. Over all I’m very content and inline my source of energy and contentment is my belief in God. I guess you can say I’m satisfied not being a person of social popularity, I’m in the middle of both, keeping to myself and enjoying being around others sometimes, I just like to call the shots. Does that really make me selfish.

    1
    • July  August 17, 2020 at 4:41 pm Reply

      Im hearing you. I sort of think im selfish but really, I am thinking of it as self preservation.

      2
  50. Mac  May 5, 2020 at 4:28 am Reply

    I agree to every thing written in this article. I have been through a similar phase. The isolation just happen to be it wasn’t planned. At first it was great, I was thinking more on my goals and about myself. But it started to feel weird when I started to become more and more comfortable with this isolation. This isolation became worst when I was looking for job and saw other so called peers getting finalised in their interviews and getting a job. Now it is such that I am talking to my parents to stop thinking about my marriage because I feel that marriage will lead to a lot of communication and I may not find time for myself in it. My conversation with my parents is also reducing day by day.

  51. Marshall  April 4, 2020 at 3:28 pm Reply

    Oh my God! I am so thrilled to be isolated and away from people, I don’t know when I’ve been this happy…and I’m not being sarcastic! Some of us LOVE being alone, whether it’s a day or a year! Thank God I can work from home, as I don’t have to have anything to do with anyone unless it’s a call from work. See? Isolation isn’t bad for everyone!

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    • LoneWolf  April 7, 2020 at 8:49 pm Reply

      I could not agree more!

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    • Loner4Life  April 7, 2020 at 8:52 pm Reply

      I couldn’t agree more!

      1
  52. Still  April 2, 2020 at 1:47 pm Reply

    I started an eCommerce business a few years ago when I went through a series of really bad experiences with someone i was dating and then some people i worked with. It was the perfect storm. Since then, maybe 3 or 4 years ago, I just stay at home where i live alone with my dog. I stopped celebrating any and all holidays and I talk to my parents but that’s it. I’m 29 and I want to have a family someday and I miss having someone I can talk to and joke with but whenever I start to try to build some kind of interaction with someone, I forget to respond and then weeks pass where i’m silent so people just move on. I used to be motivated by social interaction and get excited to talk to people, now I usually leave my phone in a different room while I sit on my laptop or do art projects and work,

    1
  53. Eric Kampp  March 28, 2020 at 10:42 pm Reply

    Im not depressed this person is a boss from years ago and he a sociopath he likes to get information and use it to cause problems between other people and sit back and watch. And thats just the tip of the iceburg.

  54. Seth  March 22, 2020 at 1:28 pm Reply

    Well, at least you can have a good attitude. I don’t use social media and won’t use video calling either. School had to go on hold because I’m not doing online courses. I don’t like using my phone but will text back to certain ppl. I’m about being with ppl physically. I don’t care for the nothingness of social media or the invasion of privacy to use video conferencing. I don’t watch TV, Hulu, etc

    So basically my life has been reduced to work, and sleep. It’s hard to eat. Both ears hurt. And sinuses. And head. I’ve been cold all day but I’ll only see my male PCP. And, they’re only taking “virtual visits”, and curbside appt. Virtual visits are dangerous bullshit. As for the latter, drive thru s are for food. I want privacy and a room. And hugs.

    We might avoid Corona v. But it may be at the price of basic, but essential, tactile needs.

    I work outside of the house, at least. That’s my socializing. Otherwise I’m going to get used to being isolated. All the advice leads to social media and video calls. I left that shit to escape stupid posts about children and whatever the fuck someone ate for dinner. And selfies. Those are ridiculous.

    The dramas of Suckerburg and Dump are enough up make me prefer a beheading to reading the bullshit Trump posts or accessing those sites. Yet that’s what is keeping ppl sane?

    Sorry, I’m in a super angry mood. I needed to let it out somewhere. I’m out of here. Fuck this. My ear fucking hurts and I’m getting some medicine. I don’t care if it’s Corona or a sinus infection tbh. I am 99.99% sure it’s sinus. Bad allergies! Like I have an allergist bad. Then imma go sleep again. Nothing else to do. Thanks for letting me vent. Sorry to offend.

  55. Brian of Nazareth  March 16, 2020 at 12:15 am Reply

    Looks like you’re gonna have to get used to that, girl! The times… they are a-changin’! Just make sure you have enough streaming channels to keep you entertained while you’re being quarantined. Just DON’T (and I can’t stress this enough), DON’T hoard toilet paper! You’re not gonna shit any more than you do now!!!!

    Oh, and wash yer goddamn hands!

  56. Ino  March 11, 2020 at 9:53 pm Reply

    I’ve been socially isolating for two years, since I became disabled with a terminal illness. My health has deteriorated so quickly that my doctors don’t know why I’m even alive, let alone ambulatory!
    Last year I found my childhood sweetheart on Facebook. Though we had a brother/sister type relationship and I never told her how I really felt, I always loved her. Now after 30 years and two unsuccessful marriages each, and 6 adult kids between us, we have finally connected. And she always loved me too!
    For the first time I’m actively trying to live instead of waiting to die.
    I’m fortunate to have 1 true friend who said “ just do what you have to do for you”. It’s hard learning to become involved rather than a spectator but anyone who loves me so much that they’d accept a guaranteed heartbreak for a short while of bliss deserves everything I can do to reward her. Her social life is important and she wants to include me so I’m reintegrating to society.
    I’m her favorite zombie, we always joke about getting an audition for the walking dead.

  57. Linda Davis  March 11, 2020 at 8:39 pm Reply

    Wow! Talk about, Pandora’s Box! It started out about, isolation and it’s various degrees of severity or type, and jumped right into things of a more diverse nature! I saw many posts from depressed people! Many posts were on a choice to be alone, for various reasons. A few were from those whose thought wave is, shake it off, buttercup and move on! Lots of criticism and anger! That kind of surprised me, on here! I would remind people that this is a place to tell your story, and perhaps get some perspective on their own experiences! It’s not a, we will fix you site! There is a disclaimer to be read! My own story on, isolation, is exactly that! My story! My life story may not be as drastic as many, but, how I got to where I am today, is drastic to me! Especially since I’m not entirely sure when I started heading in this direction. Grief from the recent passing of my daughter, I believe, just gave the final push! This isn’t the first devastating loss. I lost my son, 19 years ago, where I felt very isolated, due to grief! You spend a lot of time, up in your head, while the world goes on living. Although that loss changed me, I eventually learned to carry on, so, I’m not thinking that this is, necessarily, the start of this journey. Next, I lost my husband, 12 years ago! I believe this is more likely, the time, when the stage was being set. Due to circumstances, mourning the loss of my husband, was put on hold, by almost a year. When that process began, I was mourning more than his death, but, all the loss that came with it! Family, home, security a place in this world! Isolation came in waves! Spending time alone, going places where there were people, but, I could still be alone! I got comfortable with being alone, but, I was becoming depressed. It’s amazing how you can tell yourself, it’s okay. I did what many do. I distracted myself! This was how I was dealing with grief! This was why I was depressed! Why I was choosing to be alone! I moved along, was it in a forward motion? I thought so, but, without even realizing it, I was withdrawing. Where I formally would have joined in on outings, I was beginning to back away! I would think I was interested, but, would immediately regret accepting any kind of outing! I joked that I was becoming a, homebody, or a hermit! Well, I won’t drag this out! I now, go nowhere if I can help it! I live where there are other residents, and I try to remain friendly, but, I don’t want personal interactions! I tried to be friends, but, cannot relate to these people! There seems to be no substance, coming from most. Some are friendly, but, keep their space, and I’m grateful for that! The kind of isolation that I’m speaking about, is self-imposed to a point. I’m a senior woman, who has no real outlet, except the computer and journal writing! I’m no longer comfortable in settings, that once were okay. I’d rather not talk on the phone, but, will answer. I don’t have a way of getting around, so I have to depend on my remaining child, to get me to places like food shopping, and she already has a full plate. She is the breadwinner of her family, plus looking after a partner recovering from cancer. My time is spent writing, sleeping, thinking and spending time with my two cats! This kind of isolation is not severe, but, it is lonely! I don’t want to be in a gossip circle, just to say I’m not alone! My family here, is my daughter and the grand-daughter from the daughter who passed away. They are both busy, with jobs and family, so I don’t want to impose on them, anymore than I have to! Days and nights become long, and you do start to wonder, will this be the way it is, until my life ends? I think being depressed, keeps you from even wanting to try and change things! You know your not happy, (have a lot of anger and resentment) but, you feel like you have run out of options! I must add, I do enjoy my alone time, but, having nothing to do with that time, seems to be the problem. Also, having a real conversation, feels like a treat! I either get,too chatty, out of need to talk, or I say very little, cutting it shorter than I wanted! I write and write, which is good, but, something keeps me from expanding, so that I can feel satisfied from doing this!

    1
  58. Mehoff, Jack  February 26, 2020 at 8:06 am Reply

    Most people are so scared of reality that they spend their entire lives judging and attacking other people (reverse focus, escapism). This makes it virtually impossible for most people to function in a healthy way in society. This is caused by state profit (taxation, regulation, corporate and social welfare cronyism). All dysfunction is caused by statism and allowed by an ignorant and or complacent (and subsequently violent) populace (collectivism). The only way out of this is to either blend in or go to [virtual] war with the antagonist(s) in question.

  59. ushna  February 24, 2020 at 5:56 am Reply

    woof!!! I don’t know what is it i am feeling…. i am an introvert from start and it never bothered me until I stepped in my professional life.. I started my job around 2 months before and i am being more and more enclosed in my shell. The more my colleagues tries to talk me, more I got silent. Starting a conversation is like a huge huge deal for me even, being with my coworker in same room is bothering. I am troubled by this. I can’t continue my job like that. I know I have to interact and it isn’t that I don’t want to but How to interact, just asking “how are you” is like a battle in my thoughts… I am worried but more I want to be open, interactive, more I am being closed…..

  60. Rachel  February 16, 2020 at 8:41 am Reply

    I know what it is like to be social isolated. I’ve been reading and educating myself on it and it can also feel like you are never fully known or understood. I grew up in a very isolated home almost until I was 26. Now there is a constant battle I have to fight to get out among people and not cling to my Mom as the only person in my life I can connect to. I am percieved as being very outgoing, but I recently went through a breakup and home trouble and all of that spiraled out of control. It is so important to have support and a social network of people to love and BE loved. I also grew up with a father who used people instead of related to them. They were seen as resources instead of relationships. Time is now to be fully seen, and start connecting again.

  61. Lexi  January 17, 2020 at 3:02 pm Reply

    I’ve had crap friends most of my life and my problem was that I gave at least 80% into friendships while only getting 20% in return…if I was lucky. I’ve had “friends” who would gleefully comment on how ugly I was and how good looking they were compared to me. I’ve also had friends who would be on their phone throughout the entire dinner (that I paid for) and that was one of the most effin loneliest points in my life. You know what, I felt like I HAD to keep these friends because if I didn’t, then I’d never be able to do the things I enjoyed like going to the movies so I wouldn’t miss out on the shows I loved or going out to eat when I was craving my favorite food.

    Actually, when I’ve hung out with friends I was always told how my choices in movies were “stupid” yet I was the one paying for them and it wasn’t like I tied them to a ball and chain to bring them along. I was also told that the food I ate was gross and that they didn’t want to be around the smell of that food when I was paying for THEIR dinner as well, and these were the same people who’ve had no objections before when I ate this food around them, so they were perfectly free to interject and state their peace. Guess what? They never did and decided to be rude instead. To the person who pays for all their crap. Yes, I know this makes me sound arrogant but guess what I kept paying for all their crap because I wanted to go out and have fun, and felt that I always needed someone around me in order to be legally allowed to go outside and be viewed as a normal person.

    I get it that not having friends seems weird for some and sees it as “social isolation” and therefore having no friends is a complete last resort for them. You know something? I’ve been (friendfree) for at least 2 years now and I’ve never felt happier. I get to go where I want, eat what I please and never have to worry about a second opinion about some dick who couldn’t give a crap about me. My life is too short for that to spend time with people who don’t care about you, and these are friends I’ve kept for at least 10 years, and it took me that long to realize I didn’t need their negativity to enjoy life.

    If I make friends in the future then that is great and fine. No, I’m not going to actively go out in public and hold up a sign in mid traffic begging people to be my friend, but if I happen to make friends while doing the things that I love on what I thought was going to be another solo day, then that is perfect by me. Relationships as an adult are very hard to form, but you also can’t keep crap people to avoid “loneliness” because I was the loneliest I’ve ever been while hanging out with those ungrateful nothings.

    • Georgia  February 21, 2020 at 8:52 pm Reply

      This post just made me realize that i would be better off spending time alone rather than having fake ‘friends’ for the sake of it and them treat you like a$$ making yourself feel shittier than you felt before you left the house. Thank you for this comment, I feel like I would use it as a reminder in the future.

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    • Tina  March 6, 2020 at 3:49 pm Reply

      I’ve been asking myself for so long if something us wrong with me for wanting to be left alone completely, I have kids &a partner but I still seem to long for isolation &when you’ve been alone on several occasions for long periods of time having friends &relationships seems useless , reading your comment really helped me get perspective on myself , thank you

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      • July  August 17, 2020 at 4:45 pm

        you are doing great if you have a life with kids and partner. I cant even handle that. I think you are doing great!

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  62. Sher  January 1, 2020 at 11:08 am Reply

    What do you do if you’re not only dealing with grief but also with multiple health problems? I lost what few friends I had because I would sometimes have to bail out at last minute. This from a person who had a reputation for being so dependable. My professors used to say they could set their watches by me. I live in a small town – have went to so many meetups that fizzled out after two events. Have reached out to couple of school friends, but they didn’t respond back. If I join a choir, what if I’m sick and can’t show up? I don’t want to be a bar fly! In my town events with liquor seem most popular. I have also been caregiver to parents so no free time much. My mom used to say that I needed to move to another town – takes money and would be plenty scary when you have chronic illness and need resources.

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  63. Molly Murchison  December 24, 2019 at 7:28 pm Reply

    Another thing to remember is that it’s not uncommon for the idea of seeing people and participating in activities sounds incredibly boring but our brains are often telling us this when what we’re actually experiencing is fear. Even if u don’t buy this tho be willing at least to be bored—tell urself it’s the price of admission for staying in decent stead with your friends—and at first even set a quota, say two legitimate social meetups with people outside immediate family per week. See if not letting urself again get so out of the habit and knowing this is something u do week in, week out begins to change feelings like boring and obligatory to glad ur not relegating urself to weirdo status and oh wow, now that u know ur getting out there u can also start looking for cool activities to do while ur at it.

  64. Bridgitte  December 6, 2019 at 9:28 pm Reply

    Hi, was reading all the comments and actually they really helped me feel understood and not alone in this world.

    I am 23, and am dealing with social isolation. I come from an extremely absusive household, basically domestic violence has been happening in my home since i’ve been born, my first memories are of domestic violence. I remember i tried to runaway when i was 17, got caught, and then was grounded for a year, I didn’t see much of anyone but my family, but I avoided them as much as possible because of all the violence, so i just locked myself in my room for a year, i didnt know what else to do. I’ve never really been the same since then. I have trouble talking to be people, and just trusting people in general. When I have to socialize with people its exhausting. It makes me sad because I was never like this before all this happened. Sure, I wasn’t the most outgoing kid but I loved having friends. Now I try my best to act tough, that it doesn’t bother me that I don’t really have anyone in my life but the pain I feel in my heart and soul tells me otherwise. I just cannot muster up the energy and strength to trust people again and be vulnerable and to open up. When I was 19 my mother and sister moved out of the house and left me alone with my abusive schizophrenic older brother. I ended up having to get a PFA on him. After going through the court system again ( I had to go to court to escape my abusive father also around the ages of 8-11) I was just so exhausted. While my peers where in college and having fun I was emotionally and mentally drained at this point. The scariest thing at this point was that with my mom, sister and now brother out of the house I was truly completley alone. My only friend had moved to arizona, so it was just me and my cats. After 2 year of almost literally talking to no one outside of who i had to at work, I turned 21! I could start going out to the bars, and I met my now boyfriend. He really helped me get back on my feet… hes really the only person I actually enjoy socializing with and the only person I feel safe around. Now I’m 23 and i just moved to Paris, I’m studying fashion design. Education is cheap here so i thought it would be a good idea to come here for a fresh start and to get away from my family . Only problem is my boyfriend isn’t here. And I feel alone a lot. Not only is there the language barrier, but with my distrust and cyclicalism towards people at this point in my life its so hard to meet people. I try my best to be friendly and happy in class and talk to people, but i just can’t keep up with the other kids, im always tired, always slightly depressed or anxious ( or more than slightly) so that doesnt make me the most popular person you know,. Its so hard, I wish I could trust people easier, I wish I could open up and be myself around people. I wish it didnt psychically hurt talking to new people. And I wish it wasnt so obvious how uncomfortable socializing makes me, because it makes most of my classmates just flat out reject me which hurts so deeply. I’m pretty used to being alone at this point, which is pretty depressing considering how young I am. I still always feel i am missing out on my youth and it really upsets me. I am pushing myself to talk to more people here in Paris, I have made one friend who is a guy but i feel like he only talks to me because hes attracted to me, so that relationship is pretty unfulfilling. Sometimes I try to have small talk with my classmates but usually i am too tired or too uncomfortable/scared to. I totally understand loving the isolation and lonliness. After a painful day of trying to trust people and open up, and sometimes being rejected, retreating back home is a relief. I will continue to try to find that right balance of solitude for me- hopefully ill have friends some day again…. if not, theres always cats lol. Love to you all, I am here if you ever want to talk… trust me i dont mind! im probably as bored as you are! hehe 🙂 Im going to the doctors soon to check for fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue that would have been caused by my past, hopefully i can get an answer as to why someone my age feels like their whole body is aching and like they just want to sleep all day!!

    • Aaliyah Shroyer  December 20, 2019 at 7:51 pm Reply

      Hi there! I just read your comment! I understand what you’ve gone through and I’m so so sorry! I’ve been through a lot and I’m only 16 and a Sophomore in high school in Ohio. So my problem is being sorta depressed because I’m quiet and I’m afraid to speak out to most people. In most of my classes I’m rejected or thought of last just because I am quiet and my participation in class is poor. A lot of people I talk to correct me even thought most of what I say is correct and that’s what makes me upset and I tell the people I have conversations with about that and they don’t even care and basically blame it back on me. When someone makes me upset I usually fireback. I’m not the most unsociable person but I’m definitely up there. I’m introverted and love time alone but at the same time I’ve been scarred for life from my mom and her boyfriend, my mom found someone who is a narcissistic and then it eventually after a few years has lead to no trust and domestic violence (which I’m not going to explain because I’m sure you understand). And my little sister and I were both involved and he’s done covert passive aggressive teases towards us just because biologically we are from the person [my mother] he is targeting and isolating. Now I stay at my dads all the time full time now because if I was with my mom who also lives in her abusive boyfriends house, it would affect me mentally, emotionally, and socially in school and in life. I don’t need that especially because I am bettering and preparing myself for my future as being a nurse or a physical therapist (not exactly sure yet but I’m learning on towards a nurse in Medical school for sure). I want to be able to go to college since both of my parents are financially poor and had very rough lives as well and couldn’t get to college because they were unfavorited in the family. Potentially the ‘black sheep’ which is so ironic on how they met each other, but they divorced in 2011. Now I’m at my dad going to school, basically alone with my dad and my sister who still goes over to see my mom at her boyfriends house because my sister has no say in what she wants to do and my mom forces her to go over so she isn’t alone with her boyfriend even though my little sister is only 10 years old. And to make things worst is that he smokes pot in the basement (marijuana) and it’s illegal to in the basement especially when you can see the smoke WITH CHILDREN AROUND!! My mom has major health problems that she used to never have in the past! And my mom isn’t the same emotionally or mentally either. She isn’t happy at all but she is too poor to get a house and she has no help because her mom (my grandma) neglects her and favorites her 2 brothers for some reason. And one of my uncles had a child and she is now my cousin who is 11 years old and she is favorited amongst my little sister and I but doesn’t admit it. She knows she’s doing to but as my dad always says, “If you tell yourself a lie many times, you are eventually going to believe it”, which is generally true at lease in this situation. She gets the better birthday and Christmas presents, parties, more time to spend with grandma, etc. she still loves us but I can definitely see the isolation between us. The same of all that is on my dads side of the family too (all of what is happening to my mom). And guess what?! My grandma does the same thing to my little sister and I! And all of the family members never talk to my sister and I at Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc. so my little sister goes to play with the cousins and I am just left alone and stared at like this emoji: ?. Yeah. I don’t appreciate it one bit but I’m used to it all, I’ve gotten so strong mentally from these situations that it doesn’t even bother me!! I love being strong and I’m one to believe everything happens for a reason because I feel like God is strengthening me to over come these for some reason, still trying to figure that out. The more hardships you go through, the strong you will get. I’ve gone through a lot as well as you at young ages. Don’t get me wrong, I love my family and they love us back but I think since it’s so ironic that the ‘black sheep method’ is what I like to call it is happening for a reason because 2 people who meet each other normally doesn’t have the same troubles in each family. And as I said about my moms mom (my grandma) I actually think that she doesn’t realize because you know everyone has their blind spots in life in one way or another. But that’s all I have to say for now! I hope everything will go well for you and as for your boyfriend and family too! Good luck in Paris too, I aspire to go there and London And Doncaster in the UK someday. I want to go to Doncaster specifically because I am a huge fan of the band One Direction (has a hiatus in early 2016) and one of the members Louis Tomlinson grew up there with his mom and lived with his mom and sisters. Have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year and I hope all goes well! I will pray for you ! Stay strong and reach out to others even if it does hurt, I am doing the same and it’s really awkward (very) but that’s the only way to become socially sustainable. x – Aaliyah

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    • Andrea O.  January 5, 2020 at 11:14 pm Reply

      Hi Bridgitte. I just came across your post when I was googling social isolation. I read your post and those of a few others and I seem to relate to yours most. Even though I am 46, I was probably at a similar point in my life when I was your age, as far as social isolation. I’ve been through varying degrees of social isolation in my life and I’m thinking now might be my worst time. I’ve been married divorced and I’m the mother of two teen girls. When my girls were born it gave me a reason to socialize that I didn’t feel I had before. I was a mother! So it was easy to find other mothers of young children to get to know and bond with. Some of those friendships fizzled out over time and people just naturally grow apart. Specially when the marriage ends and the friends you want to head as a couple feel they have to choose one or the other, or don’t want to choose so they just back off all together. I am a bit of a homebody so I guess I’m just not the type to reach out and latch on to others to keep up friendships, so I take responsibility for that. About four years ago I bought a house and I never realized how much more that would contribute to my isolating. My house needed some work, and I enjoyed doing the work, but all the time I put into my house I should probably be putting some into some meaningful relationships. As a result I feel like I have no one right now. My parents are getting older and before I know it they won’t be here anymore to talk to every day. They leave for Florida for four months in a few days I realize how alone I really am. Never did I think their would come a time in my life where months would go by without any text messages from anyone except my parents and my sister. Oh and the occasional man, (if you want to call them that) that tries to make his way into your life. Unfortunately once they know they’re not getting anywhere with you, they quickly move on. I just know I need to do something because this isolating is becoming very painful. I can’t continue to revolve my entire life around my two teenage girls and working on my house. It’s too lonely. Anyway I just wanted to reach out and say that I know what you’re going through and hopefully something better lies ahead for both of us. I’m here if you ever want to text any time of the day or night. It’s nice to know there’s someone out there that understands and cares about us.
      Sincerely, Andrea O.

    • Andrea O.  January 5, 2020 at 11:23 pm Reply

      I forgot to leave you my number if you ever wanted to text! 518–755-5243 and again it’s Andrea.

    • Gabby  February 9, 2020 at 2:32 pm Reply

      Bridgiette!

      I’m deeply sorry for everything you had to go through. I feel like I have no support system. My family means the world to me but I just feel like I can’t talk to them about this. I want to be left alone 24/7 but that’s not the case considering I live with 3 other relatives. I have all these walls built around me for no reason and I can’t seem to bring them down. I want to talk to someone about this but I don’t know who. I feel like my family wouldn’t understand me or not know how to address my situation. Or maybe I’m just crazy, haha. My family means well but there are days where I feel like they don’t care about me. But it’s probably because they don’t know what I’m going through. Anyways, you’ll have to excuse my bad grammar as I wrote this on a whim, haha. I hope you’re feeling better and you’ve made new friends! By the way, how were you able to go school in Paris? Are there any requirements? Maybe going to school to a different country is what I need. If you ever need to talk, I’m always available!

      -Gabby

    • Georgia  February 21, 2020 at 9:07 pm Reply

      Hi Bridgette when I read your comment I literally was like “whoa is she reading my exact thoughts” ? I legit related so much and what you described seems to be similar to a lot of the things I’m going through. Helps me feel not so alone. I sleep a lot too, and find myself cancelling plans because all i wanna do is lay in bed. I don’t think it’s just social isoclation, it’s a lot of social anxiety as well. Well i hope you found an answer to chronic fatigue and some more insight. I should probably get that checked as well. All the best with everything. There are always cats. ❤

    • Lee  March 11, 2020 at 6:37 am Reply

      Hi, if you haven’t seen it watch or listen to Oprah’s 2020 visionary tour interview with lady Gaga. It resonates with sky of your comment here. Much love to you, I’m here if you ever want to chat 🙂

    • Lee  March 11, 2020 at 6:49 am Reply

      Hi Brigitte, if you haven’t seen it watch or listen to Oprah’s 2020 visionary tour interview with lady Gaga. Especially the second half of it.

      Much love to you, I’m here if you would like a pen pal 🙂

      Lee

  65. Angelica C Pineiro  December 4, 2019 at 11:03 pm Reply

    Very interesting point of view… I am currently going through a severe social isolation… I move from Puerto Rico to Virginia, the country is very different and the people are very different. There are many other factors that affect my desire to go out, but one of them is that I have no one but my boyfriend. No friends, family, I just talk to my coworkers at work. It’s been a very hard transition, so I bearely leave my house. But before moving to Virginia, I would be able to do so many more things, know more things, and know more people. I would go out to a mall, maybe to a tourist attraction, always going somewhere, I couldn’t stay home, but all the things I’d do, I’d do alone, just like you said, to “cheer my self up”. But the majority o the times, I would end up feeling a lot worse…. Its a great time to be alone with my thoughts, be judgeful of myrself, compare my life to others around me, and feel the fear of social interactions grow slowly more profound… More now, accompanied by many feelings of despair….

  66. Lee  December 4, 2019 at 10:37 am Reply

    I made some very big mistakes to others. I had some very big mistakes made to me. After 36 years of wrenching at the doors of sociality and after recently leaving a particularly ruinous relationship, I moved from the big city to a crumbling cabin by the ocean.

    Now, I’m just a guy in a tiny town at the edge of the world and I don’t know a soul in it. I’ve lived here for 4 years now, I’ve never been happier. My mother is the only person I speak to anymore, and I see her once or twice a year.

    Some people tend to be programmed to be “lonely”, whether it’s by their genetics or by the cards they were dealt, or some measure of the two of those things. Lonely. Loneliness. Isolated. Those words are only bad if you allow others to define them that way for you. They mean something a different to everyone that has chosen to comment. There’s nothing wrong with isolation, especially if you’ve had a rough go of things. Sometimes that’s the safest and most fulfilling place to be. I only have enough heart left for me. The rest has been spent. Does it mean I’m empty? No, not at all. It just means I know when I need to get off the ride. I have enough for myself, and that’s all that matters now. I can’t spend money I don’t have, just like I can’t spend emotions and love for others I no longer have.

    Am I worried of dying and leaving nothing behind? Nope, most people leave no mark on this world. Am I worried about dying alone? No, because we all make that journey alone.

    • Pat Chainey  December 5, 2019 at 6:12 am Reply

      Well said. I can relate totally with what you have written. I do’t feel bad one bit about isolating myself – I love it!!

    • Ben  December 22, 2019 at 2:40 am Reply

      I appreciate this point of view just as much as the ones mentioned above. There can always be peace in solitude, and it hurts no one if you choose to do so. “Loneliness” is not the same concept as “sadness,” although for most people one will cp,e with the other in time.

      From my own experience, I think that life is like a pendulum, swinging back and forth between mindsets. Whatever you look back on as a positive/negative mindset, eventually morphed into how you “feel” right now.

      That being said, I went through a period of severe social isolation that lasted for more than half of my twenties. I reveled in it. When friends from childhood went to college or moved, I stayed. I didn’t spend money on anything social, ever (no bars/outings/concerts, hardly dated, no pets), and worked my job like a dog.

      I had regular customers that I had happily served for half a decade, but still didn’t care to know them by name. It sounds bad at face value, but I felt really content and like things were stress-free.

      But the pendulum swings back. I moved states, have a couple of friends, am in an awesome relationship. I live where I love, which I think is key in wanting a social life.

      Friends; just be yourself and do what makes you feel happy, as long as it isn’t harming anyone.
      Loneliness is in the eye of the beholder!

  67. Sarah Conner  December 2, 2019 at 2:08 am Reply

    I am socially isolated because I am at retirement age, my family all passed away, divorced husband five years ago, no money, no job, not much of anything left anymore except two dogs that I can barely afford, but depend on me. I worked my tail off all my life, had planned and saved for a comfortable retirement without financial worries, but it has not turned out that way. I’ve had so many losses and disappointments over the last ten years. It’s been a nightmare. Last year I had to leave the city where I grew up and lived all my life and move to another state because I could no longer afford a rental apartment on what I get on social security and small pension. I don’t know a soul here, but I had to do it just to afford a roof over my head. The people and lifestyle is so different here — not what I am used to. There’s nothing much to do and it is so lonely living in a strange town where I don’t know anyone. I have gotten acquainted with a few people and participated in some of the activities the seniors do around here but I really have no interest. I feel like I’m losing my mind some days. I just want to go home, but I can’t. I have no home anymore. I believe I’ve been grieving the loss of all my family, losing my home and hometown. No one to talk to, I hold it all inside. It’s like the worse thing that could have ever happened. Everyday I wake up and prep myself for a positive, find stuff to do and keep busy, yet nothing is meaningful anymore. I am mentally shut down and sometimes wonder how much longer I can do this. I know I am mentally stable and sane, but it is hard to get up in the mornings sometimes. Friends don’t call or visit and nothing ever to look forward to. Pretty much just existing, so much different from the life I used to have. I feel there’s nothing left for me now and I’ll likely die all alone too.

    • Cassie Carroll  December 3, 2019 at 12:38 pm Reply

      I’m sorry Sarah. I too have experienced quite a bit of lose over the years. I feel alone inside and some days just cant cope. I’m 47 but feel defeated and my heart and soul exhausted. I came from a divorced family life, where I was the oldest of the siblings. I had to be an adult at 13, so I became this head strong person who pushed through, left my hometown, went to college, became a teacher, and had a family. I thought that if I worked hard, followed rules, and did what was right then I would have a great life. HA…I was so naïve. I am mad at myself and feel like a failure at life. I moved down South and was treated terribly by some of the staff and admin there because I was a Yankee. I would go home crying everyday. I never wanted to speak up for myself because I was already looked like some inadequate person. I took it for 7 years and finally had a break down, quit teaching, and entered counseling. It hurt my family and my being. I loved learning and teaching and now feel like I have no purpose. I tried to go back to teaching a year later, at a different school district. It was better but my heart was not in it anymore. Too many scars. I am guarded, lack self confidence, and do not feel anything like my old self. I have panic attacks and bouts of depression where I lay in bed for days. No matter what I do, I always doubt myself now. I do not even recognize myself. Being alone to me sometimes feels better than exposing myself to people who may just make me feel worse about myself. I have given people more chances than I should have because I am a lover and not a fighter. Now I just feel mean and spited. My feeling like this has hurt my relationship with my husband and kids. I just don’t know how to change it. This life is hard and I do not enjoy much anymore. People are mean…life is unfair. That is what I have learned in my 47 years here.

      I know this doesn’t help your situation but I just wanted to share and let you know that you are not alone.

    • Iris  February 21, 2020 at 10:42 pm Reply

      Sarah, I believe in you! What you are going through is no doubt a hard time and I wish i could be there to give you a hug, just so you know that you are not alone. Even if we just sit in silence.
      Most of my interests have faded away. I’m at hone majority of the day and have a lot of social anxiety. Things were much different for me ten years ago. I feel like i don’t even recognize myself. my personality did a whole 180*. I feel like I need to change a lot of things about myself before I can have some more confidence in social situations where I wouldn’t always feel like I’m not wanted. Also need to pick better friends, they influence the problem big time. I’m glad i’ve stumbled on this page today. It gave me insight and i learnt a from the stories commented and got me thinking. One love.

    • Maddy H  March 27, 2021 at 11:11 pm Reply

      Sarah,

      It hurts me to read that you are alone and struggling. I am praying for you every day, and I hope you know that I am rooting for you. You’re so strong and life is worth living so please stay strong. You’re an inspiration, truly. Thank you for telling your story.

  68. No one  December 1, 2019 at 10:25 pm Reply

    Social isolation looks like my day everyday. My children and family disowned me or died hey I live on disability. I don’t have anyone and if someone tries to love me I push them away is everyone in my life was abusive when I was a child. And then they punished me by sending me into the military of which I knew nothing. And then I had children on purpose and trap the poor gentleman to marry me. Then I did it again and had another baby. No one talks to me anymore and no one loves me. I get high everyday I just lay here in my house with my cats wondering why God keeps me alive.im only 52
    And I have everything else going for me. Except because I miss my children so much in my life and they cut me off I don’t have the motivation to live. Since I’m still alive I’m living it up inside my house by myself cuz I can’t tolerate people. I’m on disability and don’t have to work. I dream about hugging them night and asking them, begging them, please love me please forgive me. I love darkness and night. I don’t go out anymore I don’t travel and I am virtually a useless pile of s***. So this is what isolating looks like. Crippling grief over the loss of three adult children and a wonderful husband who deserved, they all deserve, so much better then someone like me

  69. Silvi  November 30, 2019 at 1:59 am Reply

    Wow! This not so in depth post generated a great “discussion” or so many responses! I agree the author’s version of social isolation is a mild form of it.
    It helped me to read several of the responses since I suffer the same fate…. I never considered myself an unfriendly person and I am not negative, on the contrary, many times I am more positive than a lot of people but…. I do enjoy a deeper level of connection in general and (like another poster) have a hard time with too much mindless chit chat or getting together to drink alcohol or overeat, etc….. I had very few friends (but was married) when I lived in Hawaii, we decided to move to Mexico where we visited and people were way friendlier but before we could…. things took a strange turn and we divorced. After that all these people appeared out of nowhere and were very friendly! This lasted a few months but then they faded again…. then I moved to California and only made a couple of friends in 25 years!! (I no longer see this friends, we kind of grew appart) but people here are not friendly towards me, it’s almost as being invisible……I feel I am being given the message “ we wish you were not here” …. Or “why are you even here”? Granted I won’t befriend just about whomever out of desperation, I have discernment but it is absolutely weird. I am not even an unfriendly person but I feel hated. Is it Los Angeles? Should I move? Would it change?

  70. Linda  November 29, 2019 at 11:22 pm Reply

    I’ve isolated for a long time, although I too can interact and mostly enjoy myself when I do. But I prefer to be alone. Don’t want to see people, go out,answer phone calls. Although I’m grateful for the good, bad and ugly; it all feels fake socially. As for revealing me and my problems to others. That would be no. Don’t need people all around me watching and always saying ” how are you doing?” Pathetic. I lost my mom very young. Married a good man and have 2 wonderful children. Men now. But, at the end of it all, it’s always only been me depending on me, looking out for me. Don’t want or need others. I’m a survivor. By the way, I’ve done and continue to do the psychology rounds with some medication. The therapy thing has never helped me. And I’ve had many rounds of this over 4 decades.

  71. Leigh Ann Schmidt  November 15, 2019 at 3:25 pm Reply

    The timing of reading this was insane. Just now I am at work and a couple I know (who are family friends) came in to see someone else in the office. I love this couple, but tried to hide out in my office for no reason other than not wanting to socialize at all when I normally would have gone out to speak with them and chatted. They did track me down and we chatted. It was very nice, but I am realizing that I am definitely isolating.

  72. kaelym dabrowski  November 6, 2019 at 8:57 am Reply

    So let’s set the isolation straight… i’m almost 30, never in my life have I bothered to go to a school dance, except the one I was forced to in first grade, which then I sat up all night throwing up my nerves were so distraught. Realistically, I hated school so much that I couldn’t even stay in it, I loved to learn but it was simply to stressful. So from 3rd grade to Freshman year I was in for a quarter, then out for half the year. After my Freshman year I discovered band, I was never happier to be around people in my life… until I wasn’t. I started missing practice because my mom was sick, I was the section leader, two sections even! My role in the band was to important to brush off in the directors mind, and one day he walked up to me and asked me not to return to class, to schedule myself out. So I did… and every other class I had. Never finished school, was the second week of my Sophomore year, simply because I couldn’t bring myself to reach out and tell my director I had problems. Instead I carried the heavy burden of hating him, for a very long time, because he kicked me out and I didn’t… no couldn’t, understand. In my mind when he said “family comes first”, during band camp, it was more than “band family,” it was band family. By the time I left school, the few people I had grown close to hated me, because I left the band in a bad place. There was now no one to lead the sax/clarinet section so instead of practicing, which they desperately needed, they were all conflicting and trying to find out who went where, chair wise, as there was never a true ‘second chair/third chair’ etc. It caused the entire collapse of the program, because the band performed so poorly it was deemed inappropriate use of funds for us to go to competitions for 6 years after this one. Immediately after dropping out of school I began to study by myself for the G.E.D. Using a homeschool program, and taking the tests, I talked them into letting me get it 2 years earlier than my peers. Instead of snapping and being ready for college, I stayed home… For another 5 years. Then, I finally got my first job, shortly after that my first boyfriend. Everything was hunky doory, then yet again, it wasn’t. I was living a lie, I started noticing myself sharing the room with the people I worked with, the admiration I started with, with my work peers, became aggrivation. My boyfriend was constanly cheating so he was no longer worth talking to, my support system was yet again, shaken. So I moved to a new job, I left my now ex, and I hoped for the best… again. This job started the same way as everything else, I would beam walking into work, I loved everyone, but the minute someone would show me their dark side I’d withdraw and begin keeping to myself. Guess I saw the dark side of people to much when I was a child, that I don’t want to deal with i now, I can’t explain it, there’s a whole childhood from 1-10 that I simply can’t remember. Eventually, that job ended because the supervisor told me if I ever messed up like that again (i made small, home-based, gas meters… You know, the ones that they put about 100 feet outside, which they do in case of errors?) I’d kill a million people. I went home, and I cried, for several years. During his time, I didn’t work, I didn’t date, I didn’t socialize unless it was behind the safety of a screen and I could turn them off… the habit was stuck. after about 5 years I finally got my second boyfriend. Things got pretty serious, I thought I finally found someone steady enough that I would be willing to put up with, and got a new job that I loved, again, my boyfriend showed the darkest part of himself, through physical means. I lost all my pride, felt broken, was emotionally destroyed… and found myself pregnant. I had to quit my job, for the baby’s sake, I was to sick to leave my bed for 7 months once I left. I left him first chance I got, which was after the baby was born, a beautiful little girl, and I haven’t dated since. It’s been 5 years now, I’m only just now started to halfway bother making a support system, but I know it’s going to fall out from under me once the Census is over with, my little girl loves to go to ballet, the moms are trying to reach out and talk to be but I keep telling myself it’s for the wrong reasons. Isolation is a programing, this was my story of how I came to realize that. People become isolated because people failed you in ways you could never imagine, they hurt you to deeply by taking your pride, and you simply no longer know how to survive, with that person in your life. Isolation goes much farther than ignoring texts, it can be the people still try to reach out to you and you lash out in anger, because you’re hurt. It’s moments where you begin to question if everyone around you would be better off without yo, but you already know they wouldn’t because of the grief it’d cause for the few people who stuck with you even when you lashed out. It’s who a person is, to a point, and it is very hard to change the core nature of a person. Sometimes, isolation is the healthiest form of action, it’s not always a bad thing. It’s people who feel that the world has failed them to much to want to depend on anyone for a sense of closeness. I have two people in my life now, that I cherish very much. One is on her way out the door (the sick mother I mentioned), I will very much miss her, the other is my daughter, while she was conceived in a not-so-wonderful way, she has been my guiding light. Even if I don’t feel like going out and doing things, I’m going to, for her.

    • Hermit  March 11, 2020 at 10:14 pm Reply

      I am an empath and I feel a particularly dark place in your soul. I’m so sorry you were hurt so terribly and I understand that some wounds never heal, only fade slowly. I think you have done your best at finding equilibrium, and I sense a strength in you that carried you through an experience which has completely destroyed others. I wish you the best. Much love!

  73. James  November 1, 2019 at 7:05 pm Reply

    I have been sober now for over a year. A transformation of decades of alcohol and drug abuse. I finally see who I really am to myself. With that the transformation subjected my friends and family to a very changing individual. I now really don’t feel like reaching out. Nor have 98 percent of my friends care to check in – maybe it’s because they expect some drama to unfold. No drama now. Life is pretty simple. I exercise, run, swim, cycle… hold down a job… live in the city of my dreams content not to have anyone in my life. I guess I can describe it as freedom. One day when I get sick I hope I can find peace with in myself to love the moment dying alone.

  74. Smallfaucet  October 4, 2019 at 1:21 pm Reply

    When you out of your way again and again to be kind, helpful, friendly, fun and generally agreeable and KEEP being rejected again and again it makes the desire for isolation very appealing. Time and time have I tried as a guy, to make new friends, talk and support, be open and honest, helpful and honestly interested and just plain BEING MYSELF…….but this seems to be a general annoyance to practically everyone I meet. All I can do is be myself right? RIGHT………but after a time it just breaks you down and you give up.

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  75. Tess  September 5, 2019 at 11:04 pm Reply

    If you have someone in your life who would text you to ask if you are alive, if you had dinner with someone as recently as a month ago, if you have friends and family members you’re avoiding, you’re not truly isolated. You’re able to go back to having a normal social life with normal friendships when you’re done isolating. You have no idea what it feels like to be an adult who has never had a normal social life or normal friendships, who has never had multiple people who cared enough to text at all, who would feel incredibly lucky to have had that one friendly dinner with someone a month ago, who has no clue how to build a relationship.

    This article isn’t about isolation, not really. It’s about what a socially normal person thinks isolation is like based on a taste of un-social-ness. It’s like when someone who lived on minimum wage for a month or three before deciding to ask their wealthy parents for a few thousand dollars and help finding a better job speaks with a sense of authority on poverty. It comes from a place of blind privilege. God, I wish I had what you have.

    If you want to know what true isolation is like, read other people’s perspectives. You won’t find the perspectives of truly isolated people through in-person conversations, because we don’t have that many conversations, and may not even really know how to have them. Here’s a relevant reddit thread that came up when I searched:
    https://www.google.com/amp/s/amp.reddit.com/r/depression/comments/45onn2/ive_isolated_myself_for_my_whole_life_and_the/

    … but if you have people in your life who text you and maybe meet up with you for dinner once a month, who you can ramp up your connection with whenever you want or are ready, you have so many better things to do than research true isolation.

    I guess what I’m trying to say is, you’re so lucky. Please, please appreciate the people in your life who care about you, because not everyone has them.

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    • Veronica Burke  September 15, 2019 at 5:46 pm Reply

      Tess: Thank you for saying what I can’t articulate.

  76. Giselle  June 17, 2019 at 1:39 pm Reply

    Wow.. really interesting to read all the angry comments. It’s okay to isolate a couple of weeks (if you’ve experienced a loss or trauma) but then you got to pick yourself up and get out in the world again. Because only YOU have responsebility for YOUR life, NO ONE ELSE. You don’t have to go to a wild party or go to dinner with a bunch of strangers. Just get out and do something nice. Even if its just for an hour.

    I am going to give some tough love to the angry people here. I recently met a person like you. He used to complain a lot about his life and how he had no friends. In his head, it was everyone elses fault but his own that he had no friends. The guy seemed normal in the beginning, but I noticed this negativity around him and I felt drained after spending time with him. I still tried to help him cause he mentioned he was suicidal, or else I wouldn’t have bothered. So I introduced him to my friends, and my friends are decent, kind hearted people, but they did not like him. Whenever we tried to do something nice together, talk and laugh he would always bring his bad vibes, critisizm and he never smiled and he barely spoke to us. So soon enough I understood that HE was the reason why he didn’t have friends. It was his negative mindset. He was pessimistic, critical and never happy about anything.

    So to the negative people out there with no friends. It’s really up to you. Maybe someone or many people hurt you, but that doesn’t mean that all people are bad. Start appreciating human interactions. Tell yourself that you’re okay and that people care. It’s not true that no one cares about you, although it can feel like that at times.

    But you have to give to receive, remember this. This guy I knew with no friends, he never “gave” anything. Not a smile, not a hug, not a gift, he never initiated a conversation, he never asked me about my goals and dreams or what i liked.

    I think that people with no friends usually are negative and they don’t like other people. Other people can sense these vibes, so they pull away. Nobody enjoys hanging out with a negative person! They have probably been hurt in the past and in their childhood. But do you want to live a life of fear and isolation or a life filled with love and human interactions? Yes sometimes people will hurt you, but learn to trust yourself enough so that no one can make you feel down. People that say and do mean things are only projecting anyway, so never take it personally. You actually have a choice and you can overcome depression and anxiety. But being social is like training a muscle, you have to step out of your comfort zone and 1-2 times a week to build “social muscles”. And before you know it, you feel comfortable around people and the anxiety is gone.

    Just reflect on yourself a little bit and be honest with yourself. Why do you think you have no friends? Is it you or is it everyone else..? You have to take responsebility for your life cause no one else will, it’s not their job. You can be angry about it or wallow in self-pity or you can take action steps today.

    Just trying to motivate you a little bit.. i feel sad when i see people who thinks they are totally powerless. Because you have the power to overcome the trauma you have been through. Much love!

    • JJackson  June 23, 2019 at 11:35 pm Reply

      That’s one of the most thoughtful posts I have read. Great advice and certainly glad I stumbled upon it. Thank you

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    • Erin  July 3, 2019 at 9:26 pm Reply

      Thank you for the direct and tough love post. And sharing your story! I agree 1000 percent. I am keeping your post in mind. I am not as negative as the guy you mention but I can be quiet and that can be misinterpreted as being antisocial or even judgmental of the people I am with. It can make people feel uneasy. Cheers!

    • Wolly  July 7, 2019 at 11:38 pm Reply

      Wow! Really glad I stumbled upon this thank you. I would have to say that I am “that guy” right now but I have been making steps to be more social and getting out of the house more and spending time with family. I’m not giving up and neither should YOU! Rise up social phoenixes ! lol

    • M  February 21, 2020 at 10:00 pm Reply

      Thank you for this

  77. Noname  June 10, 2019 at 1:51 pm Reply

    Honestly do not relate to your definition of isolation, you still do day to day things and go to the movies etc.
    When you reach the point of isolation the mere fact of having another human being in the same space becomes
    a problem.

    A person who really isolates socially wants absolutely no business with other people.
    They don’t go to yoga or spaces with people, they don’t enjoy talking to people (it stresses them),
    they do not wish to have people around them, they cannot even understand why they would need
    social media (so they don’t have profiles either…)

    Here is the interesting thing however, there are reasons for people to make those decisions, it does not
    have anything to do with mental health but more with not having the need for social interaction.

    I have been coaching people for decades with their life paths and my experience led me to not wanting
    to be around them anymore at some point and did my best to really provide honest help and listen to the issues during my time as a coach, there is no purpose in that now. People are just not that interesting
    to stick around for the drama and endless sabotage they submit themselves to, they chose to be who they are and
    I chose to not be in the same space.

    That being said I would never negate help to someone in need, just do not actively seek other humans.

    And so what are you left with? Nature, animals, the sun, the wind, no noise, stunning every single day.

    • Dai57  June 12, 2019 at 8:47 pm Reply

      You got the nail on the head and my isolation is exacly how you said.
      I don’t have no interest at all with people or their egos their drama or needines.
      If fact as a child about nine I used to fantasies about waking up and everyone just disapeard just me and my dog. I hate people to be honest it panels me to be near them. Well said

  78. Carl J.  June 10, 2019 at 12:41 pm Reply

    Social Isolation and Social Anxiety are serious issues. I grew up as an only child with no close friends. I started asking girls out when I was 16, but experienced nothing but rejection from females until I was 30. That means I spent 14 years having girls tell me they really weren’t interested in going out with me. So, the only time I felt really good about myself was when I was alone. I finally managed to get out of my “prison cell” when I was 30, but I’ll never forget how close to killing myself I was. It was sheer hell….. and I’m glad its all part of my past now.

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  79. Len  June 8, 2019 at 8:48 pm Reply

    I have been going through this social isolation for a long time and I felt I can manage my emotions by always reaching out. This is the first time I got hurt when my best friend just laughed at me when I apologized for not being around and opening up about what I am going through. Like seriously, I just got “hahahaha” as a response. I felt the sudden urge to mail her my von voyage gift without saying a word. It really hurts. I feel more alone than ever. But thank you for this article. It really helps.

  80. me  June 3, 2019 at 1:15 am Reply

    Anyone can write a blog. This must be a way to make money yes.

    You know the person is clueless when they say “turn to a trusted friend or family member”…yes well if you had one of those you might not be isolated.

    Someone young wrote this I’m sure.

    Yes, there are people who have no one and there are people who upon sensing vulnerability will go for your jugular for no reason other than human nature is not that pretty. Life can fall apart in spectacular ways you have no control over. That’s the ugly truth, or inconvenient truth.

    Yes, you could, and many people do die completely alone. The really scary thing is these kinds of articles don’t really address isolation which means even professionals don’t have a clue.

    There is just too much BS on the internet. Used to be one had to buy a book or read an article to get information, or ideas, now anyone with a computer can put shit out there…take it with a grain of salt.

    • Robert C Bradley  September 23, 2019 at 11:57 am Reply

      Hi, You just described me, and hundreds of thousands of suffering people. very to the point.
      I like how you firmly addressed the “easy to turn to a friend ,or family member”……What they are all dead or drifted away?. That’s us. Not the young ones with time to fix things. I would love a special site for older people, not just “Dating problems”. Thank You for the excellent response.

      1
  81. Soohie  June 2, 2019 at 4:35 am Reply

    I understand these internal feelings and the social conformity everybody expects you to uphold. Yet, everybody wants to take me out of my hermit shell. Kind of like Walter White ( Breaking Bad) he just wants to die of cancer yet everybody puts their two cents in and forces him to undergo these drastic actions to pay for cancer treatments. LET THE MAN DO WHAT HE WANTS!

  82. Isolater No Friends  May 24, 2019 at 7:51 pm Reply

    I dislike connecting with people and am surprised that I have managed to build relationships in my church. Our congregation is filled with imperfect people who are trying to show love to each despite the fact that many of them are not real friends.

    My mother and I have nothing in common and one of the best things I ever did was to emotionally cut her out of my life. If I could figure out how, I would reconnect with her, not because I want her to understand me, but because I would like to be able to say something nice at her funeral. It might be nice to better understand her.

    I find friendly people to be annoying. I am trying to figure out how to get over my isolating tendencies for work purposes. Without a spouse or children, I am going to have to depend on someone else when I get older so I realize that it is in my best interests to reach out to others now.

    I think that the author of this article meant well but she did not know whereof she wrote and deserved some of the venom that was directed toward her. It is painful for me to go to social events at times and I see no reason to suffer headaches because I was in the presence of annoying friendly people. Especially friendly people who are gossips, slanderers, superficial, and who primarily wish to talk about relationships.

  83. Fi  May 12, 2019 at 9:18 pm Reply

    Great article! Please ignore several of these posts, I believe their problem is far worse than social isolation/anxiety. Treating people the way they are treating you is a prime example of why they are alone, not because they have social isolation not social anxiety. You have definitely opened my eyes to what is going on with myself. Thank you!

  84. Ronald Bassett  May 7, 2019 at 9:33 pm Reply

    I am in a big rut and have been so isolated that I almost never leave my bed, yet alone go out or talk to anyone. I am retired and have zero friends and my family doesn’t seem to think I even exist and even when they talk to me, they tell me to just get over and and that I don’t want to get well and all I want to do is be alone. I have tried without success to go out and do even small things and that hasn’t helped. Before I retired, I at least had a routine of going to work every day and now I don’t have that and I don’t eat right if at all and would rather sleep all the time. I feel like I am just existing from day to day and am afraid that one day I will be suicidal and want to put an end to my misery, For now I am not suicidal as long as I can sleep most of the time and I’m lucky my retirement is enough to pay my bills.

    • danette  June 21, 2019 at 8:20 pm Reply

      I’m in the same boat as you are , only no family anywhere and also living with a diagnosis of Stage IV metastatic colon cancer. The few relationships I did have are all gone. No one wants to deal with someone with a death sentence, even though I have outlived it by 2 1/2 years.

      • Amy Carrick  December 5, 2019 at 8:03 pm

        My ‘friends’ abandoned me years ago, my family is all deceased. I’m alone and literally no one cares if I live or die. I am 52 and had tech jobs where I was run down and driven to quit or played off and EEOC was a joke. I feel old, worthless and I’m broke i have to move and i have no way to do it. I’m losing everything. I need to brave up and kill myself.

  85. Nicole Blaylock  May 5, 2019 at 6:57 am Reply

    Where is my comment i just bared my soul to you at?

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  86. Chuck  April 30, 2019 at 2:53 pm Reply

    I love my alone time. However, being alone to much is not good. I choose to try and read good books and be with people who are upbeat and positive. I admit that I’m selective with some people, but most people to me are very shallow. They are into small talk about sports, work, money, politics. After about 15 minutes of this kind of talk I grow bored. Very few people will really give me time or truly listen to me. I enjoy one on one communication. Intimate not necessary sexual in nature. Just good discussion. I’ve learned that I’m tired of trying to fit in , or not being enough . Trust and a healthy friendship take time , and need for us people to be available to each other. This for me has become very difficult. Where to people go anymore where they are welcomed for themselves? And it much is much more difficult with age.

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  87. Leslie arensberg  April 26, 2019 at 9:35 pm Reply

    Wow I can’t believe that there were few people who were actually hating on the writer like come on now you didn’t have to read it. Anyways just had to say that this is actually the first thing I’ve read on this type of self-isolation and now I feel a little less crazy thank you. My situation is similar in the thought processes indifferent in some ways which I’m sure we all are but with the same common theme of feeling comfortable feeling fully relaxed when you’re just by yourself and you don’t have to worry about anybody else. Even though I may appear to be a social butterfly when outside but once I step foot in the door and it just me I breathe a sigh of relief it’s become less and less for relieving and more I need filled. The one different aspect is that I have a long-term boyfriend who lives an hour and a half away we’ve been together for about five years we love each other and he’s a great guy we want to move in together, but money is an issue we just need to save up. He lives with his mother and father they have a family business I live by myself being that both my parents are passed away and my two older sisters and 8 nieces and nephews live in a different state. So that doesn’t help either. It’s funny how you can look back at the most minoot little decision and see when you started to allow yourself to check out. I moved in about 5 years ago this being the first time I’ve lived on my own and things were going good I had a decent shop close by just reconnected with some very close friends because I just moved back to California. My Mema I just offered to pay my rent so I would have a little extra and start saving. At that given time there was some added stressors annoyances combined between friend’s boyfriend’s family people at work and because I knew I had to safety net I allowed myself to quit my job and decided I was going to take a break for a little bit never for my boyfriend and mind you we talked and saw each other the entire time. It was the biggest stressors in my life that I was taking a break from friends that were little bit more demanding working at a job I didn’t really care for. About two years into not having a a job and fortunately totaled my son went new vehicle did not have it proper insurance. That was a pretty big blow and having to tell my family because they had purchased the vehicle for me and they were very disappointed I kind of with little bit more an isolated just I do keep a positive spin on things in my own little head in my own little environment and I was doing good I was happy actually I was walking places I was getting a lot of exercise. But it seemed almost impossible to be able to get a job and not have a car. Flash Forward about 2 years and my grandmother buys me any vehicle ever so grateful love her more than words can say. I’ve had the vehicle for about 4 months and I’m still trying to get out of the funk and get a job and just get back to who I was but I realize if you allow yourself to check out into feel crappy you kind of lose Part of Yourself and I’m sure that there is getting a part of that back and then there’s a part of you that you’ll never get back into grown and you changed ending have new experiences. It just a bit disappointing because through an up-and-down life that I’ve had I’ve always been able to keep a certain level of optimism can do attitude. I feel less like that now more than ever and I swear timing is everything right at the beginning of when I really started to be by myself more I started looking into more political topics in World issues well that doesn’t drive a person crazy and not want to talk to anybody and I don’t know what will. And it’s strange I don’t know if it’s just my negative look because of my circumstance or if there really is just that much more crazy things happening in the world I’m not on social media I don’t really believe in it look up articles can I go on YouTube and I like reading listening to talk radio but it just seems like most places I go to look there seems to be a lot of division going on. I told myself I wasn’t going to look at the news anymore or read the headlines as they’re only getting more and more depressing and I don’t want to turn into a total agoraphobic hahaha gotta keep that sense of humor (it’s okay, that it’s not okay)(it’s okay that ,it’s not okay)LOL peace and chicken grease !! And yEs I have one Furry kid to keep me company… He’s the most antisocial qorky kitty I’ve ever owned.. He only likes me and sometimes throws on weekends my boyfriend is here because of change in the apartment.. considered seeking pet and owner therapy but Mr. Koshka won’t consent lol.. okay well got silly it does feel to sum it up verbally (I must admit) Thanks for allowing me to rant and share 😉

  88. Sim  April 25, 2019 at 7:16 am Reply

    Honestly when I read this article at first I felt releived that someone was feeling just like I did, that someone put a name to it. Then I read the comments and felt so mad and then sad. I won’t go into the terrible long list of horrible events that have occurred in the last five years of my life as it would take pages and pages (they include divorce after 23 years, finding out he was cheating the whole time, bone trauma accident at work leaving me disabled, diagnosed with chronic illness that will eventually kill me then a PE lost my right lung and was produced dead that’s just the short version) but I didn’t come to this site to compete with people on who had the most fucked up life!! Everyone needs help in all different ways and all different levels but belittling and abusing people verbally is just WRONG!! if you are not researching social isolation then go to another site for anxiety, abuse or what ever you have to deal with. Sometimes I am still shocked by the human race. So Thankyou for this article it helped me and made me feel not so alone please don’t let the disgusting filthy comments stop you from sharing. Thank you again xx

  89. Bananna Peppers  April 16, 2019 at 7:42 am Reply

    Ever since I broke off a two year friendship with someone who was supposed to be a close friend of mine, I have been very apprehensive about letting anyone into my heart again. Plus I guess I developed some form of social anxiety so, it just made it harder to talk to new people. The only people who I talk to are my boyfriend and sometimes his friends. I feel like if something happens then I’d have no one.

    • Shona Judge  April 20, 2019 at 10:29 pm Reply

      I am replying as I am determined to reach out and you are the first person I am reaching out too. I hope my reply helps you as much as I hope it helps me. I have just woken up in the early hours feeling anxious. Reading this post has really highlighted what is happening to me and now I know that I am not alone with this problem. I would love to talk and connect with people I just have stopped doing it, I need some help and encouragement from somewhere.

  90. Kat  April 10, 2019 at 6:10 pm Reply

    I really appreciate this. It helps me understand what’s going on a little more.
    Four years ago my life started going to crap. I moved across the country to go to school, but was really trying to escape from it. Slowly, everyone stopped talking to me, and then, my best friend, who had come with me, told me she didn’t want to be friends anymore and did a lot of shocking things that stabbed deep.

    Ever since then (its been fourteen months) I kind of stay in my room and avoid my phone and stuff… I didnt really understand why and kept coming up with excuses. But when I go to work Ive felt awkward around everyone and I never did before. Thanks for writing this, its cleared a few things up for me. I know of one person left thatll care enough to call me out on it, so ill talk to her in a minute

  91. Dad  April 7, 2019 at 2:13 pm Reply

    This jerk-off asshole has no clue what social isolation is. Whoever it is, they are a spoiled, entitled, whiny little bitch. I was sitting here, about to pick apart this cunt’s pseudopsychobabble, but thank goodness somebody beat me to it.

    Try having zero friends, zero support system, and medical insurance that only allows you access to interns, students, and incompetent counselors with a community college education. Try not being able to find work, because you’ve been out of work so long, no one wants to hire you. Try making new friends, when you don’t have friends, in your 20’s or 30’s – huge red flag. Try wanting desperately to just to go outside, grill a hamburger, and sit in the sun, but being unable to because of crippling anxiety. Try not having anyone text or call you – except bill collectors – for several years. Try having nobody acknowledge your existence on a daily basis, whether at the bank, park, or grocery store. Try having your family abandon you, because you didn’t want to be an extension of them, and decided to do something different with your life.

    You do not socially isolate. You do not suffer from mental illness. You have friends, family, and an extensive support system. It’s probable that you’re a narcissist. You’re so full of shit, it’s coming out of your dumb millennial eyeballs.

    • Patti  April 24, 2019 at 7:44 pm Reply

      OMG aside from being angry at the previous poster. What you are saying is spot on. I am 55 yrs old and working BUT barely. I have crippling depression and anxiety which has somatisized to my body and I have near constant nausea and feel like my insides are being sucked out I am so weak. I can barely feed myself and don’t even want to. I sure as s&*^ can’t force myself to cook and I wouldn’t know what to make anyway. I’m not a fast cook. It takes all day. My dog died in August, my last connection resembling love. My family just doesn’t want to be bothered, even though I keep my mouth shut about the depression etc they are aware and feel annoyed that its never ending. Also how about that anhedonia ? Can’t even get pleasure from anything or focus. I have been suicidal for at least 5 years. In a rural area and no access to counselors as they are all booked up and suck anyway. I am geographically physically and socially isolated for years and I am someone who makes friends easily. I have NOTHING to talk about anymore its embarrassing. Plus I have this feeling in my solar plexus, sinking sick feeling that I am screwed. One thing if this person who posted is still doing and yoga etc she isn’t in the dire straights that we are AND she has some level of physical fitness. I cannot get off the couch. God help me. I have tried EVERYTHING. Alternative, prayers, angels etc. Medical treatment is a joke. The meds are toxic and I know as I am a med professional. I hear you and I hope you find an answer. If you do please tell me.

      • Ronald Roy Bassett  April 27, 2019 at 5:31 pm

        Hi Patty. I am replying to your post. I am in a similar situation as your are. I am 67 and live alone and have no friends and family doesn’t help. Kids are all grown and I can’t even get out of bed most of the time. The only thing that keeps me going is I own a cat and worry about her and who would take care of her if I was gone. I don’t talk to anyone on the phone and never get text messages. Life is a real hell for me right now and I don’t see things improving. I can’t even tell you to hang in there because that’s what some tell me and they don’t understand that it isn’t working for me.

        Ron

    • MEMENTO MORI  May 22, 2019 at 6:30 pm Reply

      Look up snowflake on YouTube. Well played!

    • me  June 3, 2019 at 1:25 am Reply

      Spot on!

      To the other’s replying to your post, this is where I am too. Too much bad, abandonment, etc., it’s like slowly bleeding to death.

      People I once loved more than anything abandoned me at the worst time of my life. When we were all younger it was different, I’m not sure what happens.

      I don’t want to depress anyone further. I’m beginning to think one has to be a narcissist or completely self centered, manipulative to be “happy” or prosper. But they relationships are shallow, and I’m not made like that.

  92. 誰も  April 6, 2019 at 3:54 am Reply

    Who wrote this? I think you’re full of absolute shit. There’s not even a name associated with this, but that’s okay because there’s no name for mine either, and that makes me a coward, and that makes us equal.

    You call not talking to someone and having a bunch of people text you back social isolation? Go fuck yourself. I hope you read this, and I hope you start comparing yourself to others who actually isolate themselves, so that in the process of you comparing yourself, you feel worse about yourself.

    You isolate yourself and it feels good but you feel like you should talk to people you love? How does that make any goddamned sense? “Grab your phone…” What kind of assumptions do you make about people? Have a taste of some venom, and go fuck yourself.

    “Five people… even though they were people I really loved.” Who gives a shit if you love them? That doesn’t matter. Go fuck yourself. I wish you put your name on this shit so I could hold you in my mind’s eye when I wrote this, but you didn’t, and neither did I, and so this confession has meant nothing. You sound like a spoiled prick. Who are you to say what qualifies as this, or what qualifies as this?

    Who are you to say that preferring to live one way or the other is “bad” or “not healthy” and blah blah this, or blah blah that. You fucking sicken me.

  93. Mr Desperate  March 29, 2019 at 4:40 pm Reply

    I want to share my experience with everyone , during my childhood I lived a rough life , I never had real friends and my father used to be violent with me and my brother , also he wouldn’t allow us to do anything that could increase our confidence in ourselves. if i do anything right or wrong , he will just beat me up and curse at me calling me a loser. we were not allowed to get out of the house until I became 12 and my brother 15.
    I’ve always looked at the kids playing soccer and enjoying their time and I was stuck in my room with nothing to do despite playing with video games.
    Time passed by and now I am 18, studying abroad I find my self in a community where everyone has more then one hobby , educated and open-minded .
    I want to cry when they ask me what sports I do ? what is my hobby ? and all of those questions because I have no hobby , I spent most of my life rather sleeping or using social media .
    I have studied french for 9 years and I can’t write a paragraph because I never really focused in any subject and know I am at a point in my life where I find my self stupid and drowned in my illusions .
    I feel desperate and I want to end my life so bad because there is no hope for me , I tried every solution to change my habits , change the way that I see things in life , I even asked for help and advice from family , professionals , cab drivers , students and any one I could find in my way but there is no hope I am stuck in my own mind , It feels like a dark cage that what lead to getting bad grades in my first term.
    I am really screwed , I can’t even write properly. I did every possible thing a person can imagine to change my self but nothing worked , I am still the same person that has no friends and no life , maybe If it wasn’t for my family support now id be dead along time ago.

    1
    • Blank  April 20, 2019 at 7:49 am Reply

      It must be tough.. however dont lose hope, although they are hard to find there are more people in similar situations, I dont think ive had it as hard as you, but at the moment im also struggling to make friends and relate with others and i can feel the pain of seeing people surrounded by a crowd and talking about going out and making plans whilr i am on my own, although this pains me id say my real struggle is the fact that day by day im losing myself even more and ive lost most of my passion for the only thing i do enjoy video games since my parents have always thought hobbies are a waste of time and money, despite hearing about your desperate situation i do hope that you will continue to try to “get out there” and continue to make an effort to get to know people, im sure persevering will get you somewhere with time, best of luck.

      Pd: Im sorry if my english isn’t the best

      2
  94. Frank  March 21, 2019 at 1:21 pm Reply

    Ever since my divorce from a 21 year marriage, I’ve been isolating the past 3 years in my apartment, drinking and constantly reflecting back on mistakes I made that caused me to lose my wife and son..
    I’m in a real rut and I know I should go to AA and share my thoughts and feelings, and I know it works.
    It saved my life 22 years ago. And I’d get some human contact. I’m stuck in a “prison” of my own making.

  95. C8  March 20, 2019 at 10:19 pm Reply

    I have a tendency to go over that fine line of enjoying my alone time into social isolation. Won’t respond to friends and cancel plans with people all the time. I feel like my anxiety increases and I fall deeper and deeper. I have been able to pull myself out and come back but it’s so easy to fall in again. Especially when I get into relationships. I think oh being with this person is just enough interaction and isolate myself from my friends and family. I’ve been lucky to meet. Friend who knows when it gets bad and tries to help. It’s comforting to know I am not alone.

  96. Jason  March 13, 2019 at 5:34 am Reply

    I feel stuck. In the same loop over and over again. It’s like there are major moments in your everyday life but in those moments I just happen to be doing the same thing. My bad habits don’t help…plus I have it convinced in my mind that I’m searching for myself through my youth or some bullshit. I don’t even understand how people can micro manage their day but I feel like mine is just drifting away as if I have no control. I think to myself, is it the multiple childhood traumas or the social humiliation by my bullies throughout my teen years. I didn’t even go to my own Prom. I mean who does that?
    Me, obviously
    It wasn’t always like that. At one point my bullies seemed to care less about me so I had a chance to be normal and make friends. I was playing sports and I was really fit at the time. I started making friends and was at peace for a little while.
    Although I would change classes and try to avoid all altercations with my bullies. And while caring for my new found status, I didn’t do anything to defend my own honor and it feels like I’ve disappointed myself. I felt like less of a man. They were threatened by me so much that they got together in groups to bully me. I want to be able to forgive myself for not fighting back but I don’t know how, I want to be able to stop thinking I need to do better but act on it. Thank you for letting me get this off my chest. It’s been bottled up for a long time.

  97. Casper  March 9, 2019 at 8:17 am Reply

    Interesting to read, I’ve been trying to find the answer to my own isolation. I have been in this state for at least 4 years now, I work alone and basically have gotten down to the only way to contact me is by text, I don’t answer my phone unless I feel I should or have to but rather not. Even when I go to a store I don’t care to speak to people but I do make the attempt with small talk, I live with my girlfriend and her 2 kids but when it’s just me with the 2 kids I go in the office or bedroom and close the door as not to be bothered with the kids. My group of friends have shrunk down to about 5 people I will interact with in conversation, I have my own home I go to and believe the isolation there is even worse. My place is on 20 acres out in nowhere land and I can go there and not leave or see another person for days only leaving to get more supplies. I tried getting a different line of work to try and be or say.. hey see I’m out here with people, can you guess what kind of job I got? O.T.R truck driving, yes all alone in a tractor trailer on the road not talking to people, only communicating through the onboard computer with dispatch. Tried 2 different companies and it didn’t work out, to much interaction and to much communication. I am back at my girlfriends house, she does rely on me for the things I do, taking kids to school, picking them up… So I’m here in the office looking at the outside world through security camera’s that are around the house. This is a problem, I am talking to myself about it and telling myself you have to snap out of it. I wasn’t always this way, there have been events that seemed to push me into isolation. I do understand how you all feel about it and can only say, trust in yourself that it is only a passing phase and one day you will wake up in a new light and things will be clearer. Thank you for reading.

    1
  98. Patti  March 8, 2019 at 10:50 pm Reply

    How about having an abusive childhood where you were told you were a piece of shit and worthless ALL The time from birth. What if you had no decent role model or anyone to show you love or how to live life ? What if you were one of the unlucky ones who had no clue how to live a full life and just went through the motions for decades. Not even feeling sorry for yourself just feeling horrible and not knowing why. Those early parental teachings if you can call it that are deep grooves in your brain. What if all this starts to manifest as physical pain that prevents you from making plans ie MIGRAINES bad ones. Then as you get into your 50’s more shit pops up. What if you felt like an outside your whole life but people looking at you would never know it because for decades you were good at “faking it” smiling etc. You’re decent looking and not stupid but spent so much time worrying and surviving cause parents died that you didn’t develop hobbies so you feel profoundly boring and can’t even imagine a decent interaction with people your own age because most of them are very well read by now or developed the 10,000 hour hobbies or skills etc. Granted I made my way through pharmacy school but thats it. Now I am so damn isolated socially and geographically that I wouldn’t even know how to relate. I’m supporting a shell. WHY ?!?!? I don’t feel well enough to start a physical program and still can’t make plans as more times than not some physical f’n issue thats severe enough to sideline you pops up. What if you are so far gone you can’t even stay focused on ANYTHING like reading etc. Can’t cook, don’t want to eat on top of not knowing myself and trying to find out what really turns me on. I haven’t been turned on to anything in sooo long. I am estranged from my family who are quite selfish actually. I’m done trying but if feels awful to be 55 yrs old and no family really and noone to call when really needed. Plus how can I keep calling people and saying the same thing over and over ? like they say how are you ? “i don’t feel well.. blah blah blah blah. I live in a rural area with no resources and definitely no decent counselors. I”m stuck trying to help myself at 55 yrs old !! I don’t dare even want to go near a man as I always end up with the emotionally abusive type. Big surprise. I need help badly. I know this. I’ve been trying to help myself but failing miserably. Never married no kids. What a joke. Nothing to live for. NOTHING AT ALL. Someone on here left a scathing comment and my response is wtf are you doing on here ? obviously a. you never had this issue or b. you solved it. GOOD FOR YOU. But there are so many people suffering in invisible silence on the verge of suicide. Too scared to do it but is the only thing that makes sense. Meds don’t work . Its all an f’n joke.
    Thanks for letting me rant. I feel for all of you

    • Patti  April 24, 2019 at 7:50 pm Reply

      You just described my child hood and my problem. I am 55 yrs old. suicidal for years. physically(feel ill all the time) socially(point of this blog) and geographically isolated. Dog died 8/19. Last bit of love I had. I’ll repost comment here cause I’m at work:
      What you are saying is spot on. I am 55 yrs old and working BUT barely. I have crippling depression and anxiety which has somatisized to my body and I have near constant nausea and feel like my insides are being sucked out I am so weak. I can barely feed myself and don’t even want to. I sure as s&*^ can’t force myself to cook and I wouldn’t know what to make anyway. I’m not a fast cook. It takes all day. My dog died in August, my last connection resembling love. My family just doesn’t want to be bothered, even though I keep my mouth shut about the depression etc they are aware and feel annoyed that its never ending. Also how about that anhedonia ? Can’t even get pleasure from anything or focus. I have been suicidal for at least 5 years. In a rural area and no access to counselors as they are all booked up and suck anyway. I am geographically physically and socially isolated for years and I am someone who makes friends easily. I have NOTHING to talk about anymore its embarrassing. Plus I have this feeling in my solar plexus, sinking sick feeling that I am screwed. One thing if this person who posted is still doing and yoga etc she isn’t in the dire straights that we are AND she has some level of physical fitness. I cannot get off the couch. God help me. I have tried EVERYTHING. Alternative, prayers, angels etc. Medical treatment is a joke. The meds are toxic and I know as I am a med professional. I hear you and I hope you find an answer. If you do please tell me.

  99. C.  March 2, 2019 at 8:43 pm Reply

    I am so lonely I almost get tear eyed if a random stranger says hi to me. Then I feel shocked because I can’t believe someone wasted their time on a socially handicapped retard like me. Being lonely is pure hell. I try to change but it’s impossible since I can’t read body language. (My handicapped brain prevents me from doing that so I can never tell what a persons intentions are).

    • Trui  March 8, 2019 at 10:50 pm Reply

      How old are you? Let us see if we can be friends. Smiley face emoji.

    • Mandy  April 2, 2019 at 2:48 pm Reply

      You don’t always need to read body language to find out what someone’s intentions are because people nowadays can keep them hidden well. I would suggest first you try to find someone who is like yourself in their lives on the same level so to speak. Make sure they don’t NEED you in their lives for something like financial support or u do something regularly like pick their kid up from school every other day or something. At least that way you know no matter what their intention is not to USE you in some way, it really is just a friendship that began with a common interest in like cooking or fishing or some other activity or same way of thinking or however you met. Now eventually all friends learn to lean and depend on each other but body language or not if you feel as though someone’s intentions aren’t in your best interest you’ll be able to tell from more than just body language but the opposite is true too if their intentions are to have more of a relationship than what you thought they will mention or make a gesture of some sort to show you they intend for it to be more than friends. Hope this helps GOOD LUCK!

  100. ESP1138  February 16, 2019 at 2:12 pm Reply

    Usually people ignore me. Few people answer my texts or messages. I don’t like talking to people; it bores me to death.

  101. Karen  February 10, 2019 at 10:43 pm Reply

    I see myself spiraling into each conversation that I have read. Making excuses not to get out, only getting out for work , gym, and groceries, non sociable….to say the least. I lost my first little grand daughter at 6 months old, we were in an accident in 2011. My husband died sudden,y in s
    2015 and then my son in 2016….I have a daughter and two small granddaughters whom I adore….but there is still all this time when I’m not alone I’m lonely. I want to be at home in my safe place where I don’t have to interact and put up a front ….. What do you do? Every dream I ever had is now gone. I feel too old for a relationship or do I even want to love anyone again only to lose them too? Everyone thinks I’m doing so well and they don’t have a clue! Some days I feel like I’m going through the motions of life without living….

    • MGT  February 25, 2019 at 8:34 pm Reply

      I feel exactly the same…even thoe im of age of dating and falling in love again…but in a 14 year relationship and then you found out it was benefit of the other never for love, when you loved back for real…..no…nobody deserves this again i need my time and by that i mean i want to be isolated. Now when this happens people tend to judge automatically that ur depress, sad, or with problems. In my case is not im just angry at myself for not noticing from the start. And people take this to the extreme is when your in your prime they love bring the topic out “ouch”. Not peoples fault for loving gossip and theatrical evens from happening for their enjoyment. I have no say in this behavior, and i choose to stay isolated untill the right mind comes to light.

    • Bereaved  September 25, 2019 at 3:59 pm Reply

      Karen, what you describe sounds like the agony of grief. Although isolating is a way of coping during grief, rather than social isolation being the issue, grief, I believe, is the heart of your turmoil and misery. I would suggest trying a grief support group and or a grief counselor, if you can find one. Western society does not do very well with certain emotions like hurt, grief, anger. At least now there are books written on grief and more support groups as compared to 1985 when I first trudged through my personal season of grief. I remember one gentleman saying it took 11 years to really process his grief– and I thought, “what the, how am I going to do that?!” I would say that I it took me 15 years to go back to the pre-death take my life for granted feeling that I once enjoy. It took as lot less time -only 5-6 years– to be back in the game and enjoying aspects of my life again. “Broken hearts” take years to mend.

  102. S  November 28, 2018 at 4:49 am Reply

    So…. I’m curious.. what do you call it when someone actually does not leave the house, they have no parents, spent most of life homeless and now hide in a council flat they do not feel safe in? they don’t have a job, they have children alone and therefore even if they wanted a job or a hobby, it’s not an option. if isolation is a lack of meaningful connection, what do you call it when someone has no connection or even small talk with any adult whatsoever? At this point in time, a fake friend may be better than no friend.

    • Anon  December 1, 2018 at 12:40 pm Reply

      I am sorry that none ever replies to these things. Are you in the U.K.? What is a council flat? At any rate, your situation sounds awful, and I am very sorry. I think that good Christian men and women (of whom I am not one) WILL find peace in the next life. I am sorry if that sounds like hollow cant, but I do believe it. However, at the risk of lecturing you on how best to do so, you simply must do right by your children, even if that results in sacrificing yourself in the process. Righteous charity will not go unrewarded in the next life.

      • Dawn Texada  December 15, 2018 at 1:25 am

        I found the answer do this just the other day. From my understanding, emotions have a mind of it’s own outside of rational thinking. Emotions and feelings is just unconscious thinking. When you were a child, you were being conditioned to be who you are today. No matter what your childhood was, it’s your foundation. Your childhood created your level of normalcy. Even though you may rationally recognize that your upbringing wasn’t ideal, your emotions are still connect uncounsciously. You resort to what you know. The only way to ever get different, you’ll have to unlearn what your youth thought you. Break the mold.

        1
    • Ann  December 12, 2018 at 9:24 am Reply

      Chronic loneliness. Seriously, it’s a thing and I deal with it. I give the term a good internet search and you will find resources and articles outlining what you described. Good luck!

      1
  103. Torikareny  November 24, 2018 at 2:11 am Reply

    I never knew if this was actually a thing or not, but good to know that it is! After a really bad breakup, I decided to take some time completely alone, I still go out to club with some friends but I still cancel on people because “ I don’t feel good” But my reason of having a little of the social asolation is good to really get to know myself , and just work on my future. I want to get to know myself and what I am capapable of.

  104. Bitter Loner  November 16, 2018 at 12:43 pm Reply

    What a horribly depressing comment section. Widows, be glad you ever found someone like that. Most people will never know the love you shared. Quite being a selfish bitch and cherish the time you had, not mourn YOUR loss. Harsh, yes, but you needed to hear it. Generally, people suck and do not know how to comfort or support others. Accept that there is no one out there that can help, and appreciate those that try. True compassion is rare. Reject it if you will, but you will regret it later. Also, let the truth out, tell others that you are miserable and suffering. They may not have the answer but at least they will be able to detect you are not lying to them. That is why they give up on you, you are lying to them. And to yourself. Death is part of life. Find something to live for again, or you are already dead.

    • AJ Rr  November 27, 2018 at 1:46 pm Reply

      This statement of yours truly irks me. Yes you need to try to help yourself eventually but you are being highly insensitive. You speak of the comment section being negative yet your comment is the most negative. Yeah I understand being blunt but you can be blunt without being cruel. And true compassion is not hard to find, you just believe it is. Please try not to be so condescending. Depression does go away with a poor just because people are trying to help you through. 9/10 times, depression never goes away. My life is amazing right now, yet I still get depressed, and I’ve been dealing with it since childhood. Try to tone down your cruel negativity, please.

    • Alma  February 8, 2019 at 4:42 pm Reply

      You’re a compassionless monster.

    • Nina  February 24, 2019 at 2:19 pm Reply

      You might have sociopathic traits, and could be why you’re a ‘bitter loner’.

  105. DG  October 26, 2018 at 3:56 pm Reply

    I didn’t know what it was until now. This is exactly who I am today. But I am in a B-school and am not sure if I can trust anyone to help me get out of it. Also, I haven’t lost anyone I love. Not sure how I ended up like this.

    1
  106. Ron  September 18, 2018 at 3:55 pm Reply

    As my friends died off due to alcohol, drugs, cancer i am left on my own and have been for a few years. No wife or kids. Isolation is like slow death; you go through the motions. Work and save money, although I don’t know for what. Feels like i’m just passing time until i’m dead.

    • Dana Thomas  January 18, 2019 at 5:59 pm Reply

      I’m going through the very same kind of thing that you discribe. I was wondering if you might want to write back and forth a bit, and maybe we can become friends?

      I’ll start, my name is Dana. I live in Southern California out in the desert. I’m 59 yo. I’m alone but not lonely…. And I need to stop isolating from the world. I don’t need any thing from someone else. Just friendship.

      I am trying this as a way of reaching out. I hope you write back. Dana

      • mary shea  March 27, 2019 at 8:43 am

        Hi Dana your situation sounds like mine, I’m 57 and live in Ontario, canada, if you want to let’s talk

  107. Irene Carnahan  July 31, 2018 at 2:41 pm Reply

    I am alone all the time. I had a brain bleed when I was 8, and brain surgery. I do not know what I would have been like if that had not happened. I hated school, but had some friends. I had a big family growing up, but don’t see them much. We are all old now. I am 68. My sister stopped dealing with me 10 years ago, and refuses to talk. We were once very close. In 1975 I married one of the best. Then in 1986 he was told he had idiopathic cardiomyopathy of the heart. My husband died at 48 years old in 1997, and was sick for 10 years previous to dying. We loved each other, and we were happy. Those were the best years. We have a son who is a great guy, a successful person with a family. After he married, our relationship changed. We don’t see each other but once a year. I am mentally ill -depression, mood disorder, anxiety, social anxiety, etc., that started as a child after the brain surgery. No one understands, no one likes to be with me much, and if they are, no one hears what I say. I am visually impaired from the brain bleed and do not drive. I gave up a son when I was pregnant too young in the days when you were banished for being pregnant and unmarried. I have been alone for so long like this, I am running out of hope. Just now while writing this I had to stop because I got the scared feeling. I am smart and a good person. I am afraid.

    • ToriKareny  November 24, 2018 at 2:04 am Reply

      Dear Irene , never give up on yourself no matter what, its never late to reprogram the brain for more happy thought! That will manifest lots of good things. I am so lucky to come across your story …..
      stay blessed, and remember love is life, life is love!

  108. Laura  April 28, 2018 at 3:41 pm Reply

    Right on target article as well as everyone’s response to it. It seems to me that the more we are/were connected to our loved one who was lost, the more we seem to be isolating ourselves in our grief. The closer our relationship was, the more painful, longer lasting and socially alienating our grief will be. One need only read poets who write about great loss and its easy to see how accurate this is.
    When I lost my husband 6 years ago, I threw myself into work and stayed busy as hell, but had a hard time connecting with others around me. My daughter was so traumatized from the loss, she was unable to go to school for the rest of the school year. She said she was unable to wear her smiling mask for another day before I took her out of school. It’s difficult to go on, to go out into the world, to pretend that all is well, when a connection to a wonderful individual, whom we deeply loved cared about, is lost forever.
    I never felt that I could communicate this to others around me/us. Missing someone whom I love(d) this much, was emotionally paralyzing.
    This is why I was unable to socialize or go through the motions of normalcy. My best friend and neighbor, who lost her husband suddenly to a heart attack only 5 months prior to mine, did not suffer this greatly. She moved on rather quickly, cleared out his things from the house within months and was married again within a year. Her first marriage wasn’t a bed of roses and though she grieved and missed him initially, after her new marriage, she said she hadn’t been this happy her entire life. She didn’t have to grief this deeply or be socially isolated or depressed for years, when she lost her first husband. She continues to be happily married …
    I feel this to be true when reading many different accounts of loss. The price we pay for enjoying exceptional relationships with exceptional people. When they die, the loss pierces that much deeper. They leave a big hole in the world of the grieving survivors.
    It is sad that our culture does not recognize this or better accommodate grieving individuals, who suffer greatly and ARE socially isolated. Especially the elderly.
    Continued small gestures like sending kind cards, leaving a meal on the doorstep, just coming over or calling to ask ” how are you?” can make a difference and break the isolation briefly. In an ideal world the grieving would be supported lovingly by their community( neighbors, friends, relatives, not necessarily just a parish they belonged to) , continually with no time limit. With understanding and kindness. Having friends and family giving up on grieving individuals is another small death to the bereft. We need to educate western culture in death and dying, in grief and loss, in loving support, so the grieving are not invisible, struggling on their own.

  109. Laura  April 28, 2018 at 3:41 pm Reply

    Right on target article as well as everyone’s response to it. It seems to me that the more we are/were connected to our loved one who was lost, the more we seem to be isolating ourselves in our grief. The closer our relationship was, the more painful, longer lasting and socially alienating our grief will be. One need only read poets who write about great loss and its easy to see how accurate this is.
    When I lost my husband 6 years ago, I threw myself into work and stayed busy as hell, but had a hard time connecting with others around me. My daughter was so traumatized from the loss, she was unable to go to school for the rest of the school year. She said she was unable to wear her smiling mask for another day before I took her out of school. It’s difficult to go on, to go out into the world, to pretend that all is well, when a connection to a wonderful individual, whom we deeply loved cared about, is lost forever.
    I never felt that I could communicate this to others around me/us. Missing someone whom I love(d) this much, was emotionally paralyzing.
    This is why I was unable to socialize or go through the motions of normalcy. My best friend and neighbor, who lost her husband suddenly to a heart attack only 5 months prior to mine, did not suffer this greatly. She moved on rather quickly, cleared out his things from the house within months and was married again within a year. Her first marriage wasn’t a bed of roses and though she grieved and missed him initially, after her new marriage, she said she hadn’t been this happy her entire life. She didn’t have to grief this deeply or be socially isolated or depressed for years, when she lost her first husband. She continues to be happily married …
    I feel this to be true when reading many different accounts of loss. The price we pay for enjoying exceptional relationships with exceptional people. When they die, the loss pierces that much deeper. They leave a big hole in the world of the grieving survivors.
    It is sad that our culture does not recognize this or better accommodate grieving individuals, who suffer greatly and ARE socially isolated. Especially the elderly.
    Continued small gestures like sending kind cards, leaving a meal on the doorstep, just coming over or calling to ask ” how are you?” can make a difference and break the isolation briefly. In an ideal world the grieving would be supported lovingly by their community( neighbors, friends, relatives, not necessarily just a parish they belonged to) , continually with no time limit. With understanding and kindness. Having friends and family giving up on grieving individuals is another small death to the bereft. We need to educate western culture in death and dying, in grief and loss, in loving support, so the grieving are not invisible, struggling on their own.

  110. Kirsty  April 27, 2018 at 12:25 am Reply

    I have been reflecting on this concept and also that sense that grief is so liminal. We are almost between worlds. Not with the dead (we cannot go with them before it is our time) but we are not as we were before. We are somewhere in between. I have been walking and moving my body the best I can – and it is good to feel the energy swish around my body. But I am not able to hold a job down yet and thus I have so little to share with others. I think society does not feel comfortable about this in between space and so it gets marginalised. What a shame – I feel so encouraged to make a grief space in my community. A place where whatever and however you feel in your grief journey on that day is not only OK it is right. It is permitted. We are not ‘isolated’ we are just being in a way that people are not comfortable with. Grief reminds us that we are all mortal and that we will all pass away and that is a hard nut to crack. But crack it we must. And if we need to mourn, cry, scream and live this in whatever way it come – then we need to be able to do that., So I guess I am arguing that social isolation can be tipped on its head and can be that society isolates those who feel loss and grieve because it does not accommodate those hard and tricky places for us to reside in. Anyway – this is a social scientist doing grief…. thank you. As always….,

  111. Kirsty  April 27, 2018 at 12:25 am Reply

    I have been reflecting on this concept and also that sense that grief is so liminal. We are almost between worlds. Not with the dead (we cannot go with them before it is our time) but we are not as we were before. We are somewhere in between. I have been walking and moving my body the best I can – and it is good to feel the energy swish around my body. But I am not able to hold a job down yet and thus I have so little to share with others. I think society does not feel comfortable about this in between space and so it gets marginalised. What a shame – I feel so encouraged to make a grief space in my community. A place where whatever and however you feel in your grief journey on that day is not only OK it is right. It is permitted. We are not ‘isolated’ we are just being in a way that people are not comfortable with. Grief reminds us that we are all mortal and that we will all pass away and that is a hard nut to crack. But crack it we must. And if we need to mourn, cry, scream and live this in whatever way it come – then we need to be able to do that., So I guess I am arguing that social isolation can be tipped on its head and can be that society isolates those who feel loss and grieve because it does not accommodate those hard and tricky places for us to reside in. Anyway – this is a social scientist doing grief…. thank you. As always….,

  112. lillian m santiago  April 5, 2018 at 2:39 pm Reply

    I ve known about my isolation for a while ive lost all my friends and family ever since my 36 year old daughter stopped talking to me over ten years ago. Grieving her has been a life changer. Iam trying to come out the other side though and iam begining to miss being socialable again after crying and losing my home her and my carrier all at the same time. Suicide was my breakfast lunch and dinner thought but now slowly very slowly babysteps iam peeping through the clouds. Amen

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  113. lillian m santiago  April 5, 2018 at 2:39 pm Reply

    I ve known about my isolation for a while ive lost all my friends and family ever since my 36 year old daughter stopped talking to me over ten years ago. Grieving her has been a life changer. Iam trying to come out the other side though and iam begining to miss being socialable again after crying and losing my home her and my carrier all at the same time. Suicide was my breakfast lunch and dinner thought but now slowly very slowly babysteps iam peeping through the clouds. Amen

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  114. Wini  April 5, 2018 at 12:00 pm Reply

    So many of these messages describe me as if the people know me. My husband died December 15, 2016. He was a tremendous jazz singer and is missed by many people and fans. I cannot believe this life now and I have said many time there must be a better way then to snatch our loved ones and leave us here. I have no interest in life, people or caring if I please anyone. Each day I complete is a day closer to being with my husband.

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  115. Wini  April 5, 2018 at 12:00 pm Reply

    So many of these messages describe me as if the people know me. My husband died December 15, 2016. He was a tremendous jazz singer and is missed by many people and fans. I cannot believe this life now and I have said many time there must be a better way then to snatch our loved ones and leave us here. I have no interest in life, people or caring if I please anyone. Each day I complete is a day closer to being with my husband.

  116. Jo Coombs  March 30, 2018 at 12:37 am Reply

    I can relate… ive been socially isolated for 15yrs now… family and friends gave up reaching out to me about 13yrs ago. I am extremely alone and scared of calling people as ive gone off the radar for so long… on the very rare occasion i catch up with someone i haven’t seen in a few years, i appologise and say i have been struggling and have isolated myself, but they just dismiss and ignore what i have to say… My old friends and family are so used to detaching from me & getting on with their lives without me, that they literally do not care about me anymore and i feel like its my fault for isolating myself for so long… Any attempts i make now to re-connect with family & friends or to just connect to new people in general is impossible… it makes me sad, unwanted & feeling discarded. I have trouble even connecting & bonding with my 7yo daughter… i feel abandoned by others giving up on me too easily & this has also made me angry and bitter in general, yet around strangers im bubbly and ok as it is brief and theres no ‘attachment’ or emotion involved.

  117. Jo Coombs  March 30, 2018 at 12:37 am Reply

    I can relate… ive been socially isolated for 15yrs now… family and friends gave up reaching out to me about 13yrs ago. I am extremely alone and scared of calling people as ive gone off the radar for so long… on the very rare occasion i catch up with someone i haven’t seen in a few years, i appologise and say i have been struggling and have isolated myself, but they just dismiss and ignore what i have to say… My old friends and family are so used to detaching from me & getting on with their lives without me, that they literally do not care about me anymore and i feel like its my fault for isolating myself for so long… Any attempts i make now to re-connect with family & friends or to just connect to new people in general is impossible… it makes me sad, unwanted & feeling discarded. I have trouble even connecting & bonding with my 7yo daughter… i feel abandoned by others giving up on me too easily & this has also made me angry and bitter in general, yet around strangers im bubbly and ok as it is brief and theres no ‘attachment’ or emotion involved.

    • Cher:moab of 5  December 2, 2018 at 12:51 am Reply

      If you are still having difficulty connecting with your daughter I urge you to seek family counseling to work on building those connections. Especially now while she is young. I went through years of severe depression and wasn’t able to connect with my children. My older children who are now teens/young adults really suffered the most from my inability to form emotional connections with them. I really needed intensive family therapy with the older children (they were 13-5 then) to help us connect emotionally in positive ways
      With each other. Also we could have greatly used some type of therapy or training in building relationships/ friendships with others as I was too ill to teach my children those skills nor was I capable of being a positive role
      Model for building friendships nor social network. I did the best I could do but it was very insufficient for my Children’s needs at the time. My older children lack good social skills and have developed depression and severe anxiety. The tend to isolate themselves for many reasons but they have both said they don’t feel connected to other people or they don’t know how to connect to others. I don’t believe it’s too late for them but due to the lack of good quality services to help me build connections with them while they were young they are now, we are now paying the price for it. If you can get a counselor or therapist that will do more than just “talk “ therapy but who will actually help you interact with your daughter through play, games, coloring etc. that will help you build skills that you both need now and for your futures. My daughter was 7 when I became severly ill. We have always struggled to connect with each other and now that she is 15 it’s so much harder. We don’t give up on each other but earlier appropriate intervention would have saved us years of disconnection, loneliness and struggle.

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  118. Kirsty  March 27, 2018 at 5:34 am Reply

    I enjoyed this read. I am trying to learn to self regulate. I do force myself to leave the home and see others and express my thoughts and feelings – and cry if I am in the midst of a grief wave – (which is often). I am mindful and picky about the people I choose to hang out with – no blood relatives – too much trauma there. I find it exhausting and I often need to rest afterwards – but I am an extrovert – so I thrive on conversation and the energy of others. Grief is particularly tricky for my personality – I want and crave other people – but I have no energy or capacity to deal with anything other people say or do. I am the social scientist who simply cannot cope with much of society at the moment. Any little tension is like Everest. I guess for me I am walking that tight rope of interacting when and as best I can (even on the days I don’t want to) and also making sure I get my rest as I simply cannot believe how insanely tired I feel. I knew I would feel sad when dad went – but wowee I do not even recognise this version of myself.

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  119. Kirsty  March 27, 2018 at 5:34 am Reply

    I enjoyed this read. I am trying to learn to self regulate. I do force myself to leave the home and see others and express my thoughts and feelings – and cry if I am in the midst of a grief wave – (which is often). I am mindful and picky about the people I choose to hang out with – no blood relatives – too much trauma there. I find it exhausting and I often need to rest afterwards – but I am an extrovert – so I thrive on conversation and the energy of others. Grief is particularly tricky for my personality – I want and crave other people – but I have no energy or capacity to deal with anything other people say or do. I am the social scientist who simply cannot cope with much of society at the moment. Any little tension is like Everest. I guess for me I am walking that tight rope of interacting when and as best I can (even on the days I don’t want to) and also making sure I get my rest as I simply cannot believe how insanely tired I feel. I knew I would feel sad when dad went – but wowee I do not even recognise this version of myself.

  120. Kathy  February 24, 2018 at 6:42 am Reply

    I understand all of your comments. I feel isolated as well. I lost a loved one, family member to suicide and most of my time is spend thinking of him and missing him. It has been 18 months and I still experience horrible days of grief. I do manage to go to work. I manage to shop and recently have met up with friends for a lunch date. However, it is difficult. I struggle through each day but keep trying to find acceptance and can’t find it. I cannot let it go. It hurts badly. I am a different person entirely. I did go to counseling and remain in a support group. I keep on going. After it happened I could not go to work or drive or much of anything. I worry that it will happen to someone else. It is something so bad and horrible and I never guessed anything could feel like this. On the better side of things I remember the first time I laughed after the death, several months after the fact and I realized I was still alive. I do not laugh much but when I do it feels so good. Yet my mind goes back to him and I want him back here on Earth and know it cannot happen, yet I hope. Funny, huh? I pray day after day that the Lord has rescued him and for our family and all others who have experienced such a lose. I will simply continue on my grief journey with lots and lots of prayers and do the best I can to get through each day.

  121. Kathy  February 24, 2018 at 6:42 am Reply

    I understand all of your comments. I feel isolated as well. I lost a loved one, family member to suicide and most of my time is spend thinking of him and missing him. It has been 18 months and I still experience horrible days of grief. I do manage to go to work. I manage to shop and recently have met up with friends for a lunch date. However, it is difficult. I struggle through each day but keep trying to find acceptance and can’t find it. I cannot let it go. It hurts badly. I am a different person entirely. I did go to counseling and remain in a support group. I keep on going. After it happened I could not go to work or drive or much of anything. I worry that it will happen to someone else. It is something so bad and horrible and I never guessed anything could feel like this. On the better side of things I remember the first time I laughed after the death, several months after the fact and I realized I was still alive. I do not laugh much but when I do it feels so good. Yet my mind goes back to him and I want him back here on Earth and know it cannot happen, yet I hope. Funny, huh? I pray day after day that the Lord has rescued him and for our family and all others who have experienced such a lose. I will simply continue on my grief journey with lots and lots of prayers and do the best I can to get through each day.

  122. Cindy Seybert Hockett  February 22, 2018 at 10:14 pm Reply

    Could someone send me some grief counselor names. I live near Towson Univ and have Humana Insurance.

    I attended your Coping with Grief workshop after the new year.

    I sent you both emails and one address came back as no good. So thought I’d try to you both this way

    Thanks!

  123. Cindy Seybert Hockett  February 22, 2018 at 10:14 pm Reply

    Could someone send me some grief counselor names. I live near Towson Univ and have Humana Insurance.

    I attended your Coping with Grief workshop after the new year.

    I sent you both emails and one address came back as no good. So thought I’d try to you both this way

    Thanks!

  124. Pamela  February 21, 2018 at 11:42 pm Reply

    Do you fee social isolation is a result of grief?

  125. Pamela  February 21, 2018 at 11:42 pm Reply

    Do you fee social isolation is a result of grief?

    • Gaby  February 23, 2018 at 1:25 am Reply

      Absolutely for me. My husband passed away 5 months ago and I am happy it’s winter & cold outside. I’m happy it’s s dark early, cause I can be safe in my cocoon. This way I don’t have to see, visit, cause people mostly stay home. I fear Spring and Summer, cause I will have all the chores outside to do, chores that my husband used to do, and that means having to be outside, where people will want to stop and chat….. amd I will lose my safe cocoon. I go to work every day, do my errands, but knowing I will slip back in my safe quiet place.

  126. Anne Marie  February 19, 2018 at 8:18 am Reply

    Very interesting.. I am definitely a isolator during hard times and have been pretty aware of that for a while now but this was helpful for me to realize that others in my life could be socially isolating, even when it’s totally out of character for them! (I thought I was the only one in our relationship that did that! Haha).. sometimes being on the outside of someone that’s isolating can be very hurtful and misinterpreted, due to human nature I think sometimes we automatically think it’s something we have said or done not that they are going thru something completely unrelated and it really has nothing to do with us. This definitely opened my eyes to that and I guess I will just continue to reach out to them until they’re ready to talk instead of backing off out of fear of being annoying 🙂

  127. Anne Marie  February 19, 2018 at 8:18 am Reply

    Very interesting.. I am definitely a isolator during hard times and have been pretty aware of that for a while now but this was helpful for me to realize that others in my life could be socially isolating, even when it’s totally out of character for them! (I thought I was the only one in our relationship that did that! Haha).. sometimes being on the outside of someone that’s isolating can be very hurtful and misinterpreted, due to human nature I think sometimes we automatically think it’s something we have said or done not that they are going thru something completely unrelated and it really has nothing to do with us. This definitely opened my eyes to that and I guess I will just continue to reach out to them until they’re ready to talk instead of backing off out of fear of being annoying 🙂

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  128. Steve  February 14, 2018 at 4:07 pm Reply

    My wife died in April 2017. I pushed myself to do lots of things, but I am an introvert, so I am glad I made a big effort even dating some women. I finally settled into a reality that it just takes time to heal, just like when you have had a physical injury. I have broken a leg twice in my life, and both times it took an entire year before I could jog around a city block. Why would I not expect an emotional injury to heal quicker than a physical injury? The bottom line is I am better. I value a little chit-chat with strangers. I even instigate conversations with strangers. I have family and friends, too, but sometimes that is a little awkward to talk about my wife. There is some safety in talking to complete strangers. I force myself to do things, but at the same time I evaluate if too much or too often is a good idea. Now I am comfortable that I know what is the right balance, and monitor if I am becoming a hermit. Sometimes I go to Walmart and pick up a few items just so I am not being physically isolated. That’s my “Walmart Therapy.” Now that I reread my post, it sounds incredibly sad, but I am making progress.

  129. Steve  February 14, 2018 at 4:07 pm Reply

    My wife died in April 2017. I pushed myself to do lots of things, but I am an introvert, so I am glad I made a big effort even dating some women. I finally settled into a reality that it just takes time to heal, just like when you have had a physical injury. I have broken a leg twice in my life, and both times it took an entire year before I could jog around a city block. Why would I not expect an emotional injury to heal quicker than a physical injury? The bottom line is I am better. I value a little chit-chat with strangers. I even instigate conversations with strangers. I have family and friends, too, but sometimes that is a little awkward to talk about my wife. There is some safety in talking to complete strangers. I force myself to do things, but at the same time I evaluate if too much or too often is a good idea. Now I am comfortable that I know what is the right balance, and monitor if I am becoming a hermit. Sometimes I go to Walmart and pick up a few items just so I am not being physically isolated. That’s my “Walmart Therapy.” Now that I reread my post, it sounds incredibly sad, but I am making progress.

  130. Julie  February 13, 2018 at 3:43 am Reply

    I am going through social isolation, without knowing what it was called, before your article.
    I too go to yoga and Zumba and other activities where I don’t talk to people, or if I do it’s pleasantries etc.
    My friends that I occasionally meet don’t talk about my son any more, he died 3 years ago and they wait for me to start talking about him, which is painful so I don’t often. I therefore find it easier to stay at home and not deal with socialising. I do go to counselling for my grief with my husband and have told her how I feel. I suppose I could push myself to make the effort with friends but most have given up contacting me and I guess if they are real friends they will wait for me when I am ready to talk. Let hope so.

  131. Julie  February 13, 2018 at 3:43 am Reply

    I am going through social isolation, without knowing what it was called, before your article.
    I too go to yoga and Zumba and other activities where I don’t talk to people, or if I do it’s pleasantries etc.
    My friends that I occasionally meet don’t talk about my son any more, he died 3 years ago and they wait for me to start talking about him, which is painful so I don’t often. I therefore find it easier to stay at home and not deal with socialising. I do go to counselling for my grief with my husband and have told her how I feel. I suppose I could push myself to make the effort with friends but most have given up contacting me and I guess if they are real friends they will wait for me when I am ready to talk. Let hope so.

    • pamcim10@gmail.com  December 8, 2019 at 2:14 am Reply

      Im so sorry you lost your son. 3yrs isnt a long time to grieve especially a child. A mother who loses her child what a terrible thing to bare . Dont be hard on yourself you sound courageous going to yoga etc.

  132. Sylvia  February 11, 2018 at 7:43 pm Reply

    I bench myself periodically and a friend who has been with me through a few deaths knows what it means and gives me space for a while then brings over supper…

  133. Sylvia  February 11, 2018 at 7:43 pm Reply

    I bench myself periodically and a friend who has been with me through a few deaths knows what it means and gives me space for a while then brings over supper…

  134. Jean  February 11, 2018 at 2:49 pm Reply

    I don’t know if I am socially isolated or not. I try to connect with people. I go out to dinner with a friend sometimes. I belong to a bereavement group and we get together sometimes. But even that feels lame because no one really talks in a real way. I go to work, I go to exercise. I spend a lot of time alone; sometimes it feels fine, even good, but often I feel so lonely and empty. Nothing feels right since I lost my husband and best friend 3 years ago next month. He was my soul mate. I feel like I am just trying and life has lost meaning for me.

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  135. Jean  February 11, 2018 at 2:49 pm Reply

    I don’t know if I am socially isolated or not. I try to connect with people. I go out to dinner with a friend sometimes. I belong to a bereavement group and we get together sometimes. But even that feels lame because no one really talks in a real way. I go to work, I go to exercise. I spend a lot of time alone; sometimes it feels fine, even good, but often I feel so lonely and empty. Nothing feels right since I lost my husband and best friend 3 years ago next month. He was my soul mate. I feel like I am just trying and life has lost meaning for me.

  136. sandy  February 11, 2018 at 12:09 pm Reply

    I am in this right now. I guess I justify it to some extent. one friend in particular, when we get together for supper or coffee, she keeps giving me advise on what to do to get over losing my Lydia 23 to suicide. she tells me I need to go on medication, get a hobby, get back to myself. I want to scream when I am with her.

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  137. sandy  February 11, 2018 at 12:09 pm Reply

    I am in this right now. I guess I justify it to some extent. one friend in particular, when we get together for supper or coffee, she keeps giving me advise on what to do to get over losing my Lydia 23 to suicide. she tells me I need to go on medication, get a hobby, get back to myself. I want to scream when I am with her.

  138. Sally  February 11, 2018 at 8:15 am Reply

    We have a group of widows that meet for lunch and supper once a month. Most of the time I don’t feel like being sociable . I try to remember that I may be helping someone else that is unbearably lonely.

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  139. Sally  February 11, 2018 at 8:15 am Reply

    We have a group of widows that meet for lunch and supper once a month. Most of the time I don’t feel like being sociable . I try to remember that I may be helping someone else that is unbearably lonely.

  140. Karen  February 10, 2018 at 5:51 pm Reply

    Social isolation…so that’s what is going on. I get out & will talk to strangers. I feel safe. They don’t know me & what I’m going through. When I go to yoga, to avoid conversations I quickly gather my things & leave.

    My brother died on Christmas eve. There is a hole in my heart that no one can fill.

    Family & friends are pouring out of the woodwork, calling & texting. I am ignoring most of them. I do not want to be asked over & over again, “how are you?”

  141. Karen  February 10, 2018 at 5:51 pm Reply

    Social isolation…so that’s what is going on. I get out & will talk to strangers. I feel safe. They don’t know me & what I’m going through. When I go to yoga, to avoid conversations I quickly gather my things & leave.

    My brother died on Christmas eve. There is a hole in my heart that no one can fill.

    Family & friends are pouring out of the woodwork, calling & texting. I am ignoring most of them. I do not want to be asked over & over again, “how are you?”

  142. Wendy  February 10, 2018 at 4:29 pm Reply

    I’ve been socially isolated since December 2014 when I lost my husband. I didn’t want to see anyone who kew us together–it was just too hard. One kind word, and I was sobbing. At first I tried to socialize with some people who only knew me, but for different reasons none of them had staying power. I work from home and only go into the office occasionally; I do what the writer of this excellent article does–go to yoga and the gym, shop, get haircuts, etc. I’m not a recluse. But I have no close friends (make that no real friends at all whom I see), and when I’m home I’m either working (even on weekends) or reading or imagining what if…? Truth, my husband was and is my best friend. I talk to him, I write to him, everything I see or hear or think or am reminded of is part of our story. I’m not looking for another partner, and I’m not looking for friends either.

  143. Wendy  February 10, 2018 at 4:29 pm Reply

    I’ve been socially isolated since December 2014 when I lost my husband. I didn’t want to see anyone who kew us together–it was just too hard. One kind word, and I was sobbing. At first I tried to socialize with some people who only knew me, but for different reasons none of them had staying power. I work from home and only go into the office occasionally; I do what the writer of this excellent article does–go to yoga and the gym, shop, get haircuts, etc. I’m not a recluse. But I have no close friends (make that no real friends at all whom I see), and when I’m home I’m either working (even on weekends) or reading or imagining what if…? Truth, my husband was and is my best friend. I talk to him, I write to him, everything I see or hear or think or am reminded of is part of our story. I’m not looking for another partner, and I’m not looking for friends either.

  144. Laurie  February 10, 2018 at 4:24 pm Reply

    My husband died January 22, 2016. The day I returned to work, all stores downtown has sprouted Valentines displays. I buried my head in a pile of teddy bears and pink hearts and sobbed.
    On Valentines Day I gathered a group of our friends to accompany me to a Jazz bar. It was hard, but I wasn’t going to let grief steal music from me. Was I good company? I doubt it. Did each note pierce my heart? Certainly. Luckily it was a slow house, so the band, who also knew my husband, switched from romantic balads to livelier fare. Am I glad I went? Yes.

  145. Laurie  February 10, 2018 at 4:24 pm Reply

    My husband died January 22, 2016. The day I returned to work, all stores downtown has sprouted Valentines displays. I buried my head in a pile of teddy bears and pink hearts and sobbed.
    On Valentines Day I gathered a group of our friends to accompany me to a Jazz bar. It was hard, but I wasn’t going to let grief steal music from me. Was I good company? I doubt it. Did each note pierce my heart? Certainly. Luckily it was a slow house, so the band, who also knew my husband, switched from romantic balads to livelier fare. Am I glad I went? Yes.

  146. Lovey  February 10, 2018 at 1:47 pm Reply

    I guess I have been socially isolating a bit myself.. SO SICK of Valentine’s Day crap, all over the place. Lost my husband almost 17 months ago, and I will have to settle for looking at the last card he made for me on his computer. He loved to make cards for me for every occasion, then he would wait for my expression as I read them – he was so thoughtful & loving, my beloved soul mate. No one could EVER compare to him, or measure up. I realize a lot of us widows tend to make saints of our deceased husbands, but mine was truly exceptional. We had our problems, as any married couple, but overcame them, and were happily settling into those tender & love filled later years, when he was abruptly & suddenly yanked from my life, and I became his widow, instead of his adoring wife.. Have had to get over so many holidays without him, Christmas, our New Year’s Day wedding anniversary, his BD, now Valentine’s Day…. This is as good a time as any – gloomy – snow filled days – to isolate. Re-group, stay home with the dogs, clean the house, and not have to answer the stupid questions like “How are you doing?” So many times I am tempted to say – if it’s a married woman asking.. “Wait till your husband dies, then you will know how I am doing”. Sounds bitter – huh? Yeah – I am still a bit bitter, sometimes more than others. But looking out at the dark, cold snowy February day, it seems to fit, for now.

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  147. Lovey  February 10, 2018 at 1:47 pm Reply

    I guess I have been socially isolating a bit myself.. SO SICK of Valentine’s Day crap, all over the place. Lost my husband almost 17 months ago, and I will have to settle for looking at the last card he made for me on his computer. He loved to make cards for me for every occasion, then he would wait for my expression as I read them – he was so thoughtful & loving, my beloved soul mate. No one could EVER compare to him, or measure up. I realize a lot of us widows tend to make saints of our deceased husbands, but mine was truly exceptional. We had our problems, as any married couple, but overcame them, and were happily settling into those tender & love filled later years, when he was abruptly & suddenly yanked from my life, and I became his widow, instead of his adoring wife.. Have had to get over so many holidays without him, Christmas, our New Year’s Day wedding anniversary, his BD, now Valentine’s Day…. This is as good a time as any – gloomy – snow filled days – to isolate. Re-group, stay home with the dogs, clean the house, and not have to answer the stupid questions like “How are you doing?” So many times I am tempted to say – if it’s a married woman asking.. “Wait till your husband dies, then you will know how I am doing”. Sounds bitter – huh? Yeah – I am still a bit bitter, sometimes more than others. But looking out at the dark, cold snowy February day, it seems to fit, for now.

  148. Tricia  February 10, 2018 at 12:56 pm Reply

    Great article! I know exactly what you mean when you say it can feel good, sometimes great to socially isolate, but it can quickly turn in to a deep self absorption and it’s is not at all healthy to continue on that way. I force myself to say yes to stuff a lot that I don’t really want to do. It’s not easy, but I’m always glad I did afterwards.

    1
  149. Tricia  February 10, 2018 at 12:56 pm Reply

    Great article! I know exactly what you mean when you say it can feel good, sometimes great to socially isolate, but it can quickly turn in to a deep self absorption and it’s is not at all healthy to continue on that way. I force myself to say yes to stuff a lot that I don’t really want to do. It’s not easy, but I’m always glad I did afterwards.

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