Small Remembrances and Expressions of Love

Understanding Grief / Understanding Grief : Eleanor Haley


When it comes to expressions of love, the largest common denominator is the act of loving; the rest is just a matter of person and preference. Love comes wrapped up in little boxes or oversized packages; tenderly whispered or declared from the rooftops; eloquently written or in fumbling awkward utterances. 

As far as expressions of love go, I’ve always preferred micro-expressions, the small but thoughtful gestures that show me someone cares. These thoughtful and personal acts have no pretense and nothing to prove. Things like a note from your mother telling you she’s proud of you, a hug from your daughter who’s no longer into hugs, or a small gift from a friend that she bought because it reminded her of you--happen because you are loved and because you love in return.

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I had a completely different post written for today on loneliness and social isolation. But I got distracted by the subject of love, which was initially puzzling because loneliness and love seem like two things that couldn't be any further apart. However, after thinking about it for a moment, I realized that these things are more closely related than you think when it comes to grief.

Loneliness, after all, is relative. Even when surrounded by family and friends, one can feel lonely because they lack the love and connection they desire. One of the reasons we feel so lonely after someone dies is because we yearn and ache for their love, and feel like their love is gone from our lives.

Last night I was struck while reading through a string of comments on our Facebook page left in response to a post we wrote about how grief makes you feel like you're losing it. One reader wrote about how her late husband's flip-flops have been by the back door for two years, and every time she passes them, they make her smile. Another reader wrote that she wears her deceased father's pajama bottoms to bed every night because she thinks they make her sleep better. These little things may seem odd to some people, but to the person grieving, they are small and tender expressions of love.

When we think of honoring and remembering deceased loved ones, I think we often jump to vigils, roadside altars, and Facebook memorial pages. These are 'shout it from the rooftop' expressions, the gestures that let the world know your loved one was here and was (and still is) loved. But for so many of us, the most common and meaningful tributes come in packages so small and commonplace that most people would never even notice them.

For example, if I invited you to my home for a cup of tea, I imagine you would stand for a moment before deciding my little red armchair is an excellent place to sit and chat. As you look around the room, you would observe a few family photos, but beyond that, nothing notably personal. You probably would never guess that when I sit across from you in the very same room, I am surrounded by the objects of three generations and a lifetime full of memories and love.

The shelf next to the piano holds my mother's old sheet music, some of it so torn and tattered that we can no longer play it, but I can't throw it away, knowing that at one point, my mother found herself lost among its notes. You'd never know that the chair you're sitting in has been getting in our way for years, but my mother bought it, so I'm sure it will never find its way to the dump. And you'd never know that the linen chest sitting in the corner also sat in my grandmother's living room for decades, housing antique treasures and propping up family photos.

A photo in your wallet, a trinket in your pocket, words you speak in the morning, a song you listen to every night, a shirt hanging in your closet, a message on the answering machine--if you think holding onto these things make you pathological, think again. These aren't the sad acts of someone who can't let go, and they're not the symptoms of a person's grief gone wrong; these simple objects, small gestures, and everyday routines are how we continue to live a life surrounded by our loved ones and how we continue to say I love you long after a person has gone.

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37 Comments on "Small Remembrances and Expressions of Love"

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  1. P  March 20, 2024 at 8:14 pm Reply

    Eleanor Haley brought back memories of my own experiences with grief and love. The way she captures the essence of small gestures and everyday items as expressions of love resonates deeply. It’s comforting to know that amidst loss, these seemingly insignificant acts hold immense significance, serving as a tangible connection to those we’ve lost. Acknowledging these subtle expressions of love helps validate the complex emotions of grief and reinforces the enduring bonds we share with our loved ones.

  2. pinterest virtual assistant  June 16, 2023 at 3:18 am Reply

    When my grandmother passed away, my family and I held onto the little things that reminded us of her. For my mother, it was wearing my grandmother’s earrings every day, and for me, it was the sound of her humming while she cooked. These small things made us feel closer to her and comforted us during our grieving process. This post beautifully captures the idea that expressions of love come in all shapes and sizes, and sometimes the smallest gestures have the most significant impact.

  3. Michelle  June 15, 2023 at 1:27 am Reply

    I found it to be a heartfelt and poignant exploration of the significance of small mementos in the grieving process. The author adeptly highlights how these tangible reminders can provide solace and comfort in times of loss, acting as touchstones to cherish memories and maintain a connection with departed loved ones. The article reinforces the idea that even the simplest of objects can hold tremendous emotional weight, reminding us of the power of remembrance and the enduring bond we share with those we have lost.

  4. Jimmy  June 12, 2023 at 12:18 am Reply

    Reading this blog post filled my heart with warmth and understanding. It reminded me of the small but profound expressions of love that have brought me comfort in my own grief journey. Like the worn-out teddy bear I keep on my bed, a cherished gift from my late grandmother that brings me solace every night, or the handwritten notes from my best friend that I treasure like precious gems. These seemingly insignificant objects and gestures carry immense love and hold the power to heal our hearts, allowing us to keep our loved ones close, even in their physical absence.

  5. Josephine  June 6, 2023 at 4:29 am Reply

    After my grandmother passed away, I kept her old recipe book in my kitchen, stained with memories of our baking adventures. Whenever I use it, I can almost feel her presence guiding my hand. It’s these seemingly insignificant items that hold immeasurable sentimental value and keep our loved ones close, even when they’re physically gone.

  6. Sylvia  June 5, 2023 at 1:12 am Reply

    It’s remarkable how the tiniest objects can hold such immense sentimental value and serve as reminders of the love we shared with those who have passed. I remember clinging to my grandmother’s worn-out recipe book, cherishing the splatters of ingredients and handwritten notes that connected me to her enduring presence in my life. These small tokens of love are not signs of an inability to let go, but rather beautiful expressions of how we keep our loved ones alive within us!

  7. Michael  June 1, 2023 at 2:15 am Reply

    It reminded me of a time when I found solace in wearing my grandmother’s necklace every day after she passed away. Each time I touched it, I felt a deep connection to her and a reminder of her love. These subtle expressions of love truly have the power to heal and keep our loved ones close, even in their absence.
    Click here

  8. William  June 1, 2023 at 2:12 am Reply

    The examples shared by the readers, like the flip-flops and pajama bottoms, are poignant reminders of how small, seemingly insignificant objects can hold profound sentimental value and bring comfort in times of loss. It reminds me of the treasured keepsakes I have tucked away, each carrying a story of love and cherished memories, allowing me to hold on to the presence of my loved ones even when they are no longer physically here.

  9. Belen E  August 16, 2022 at 2:44 am Reply

    great work.Thank you so much.

  10. Ken Fougère  May 9, 2020 at 3:43 pm Reply

    “The moment that you left me my heart split in two. One side filled with memories and the other died with you. I often lay awake at night when the world is fast asleep, and take a walk down memory lane with a tear upon my cheek. Remembering you is easy, I do it every day, but missing you is a heartache that never goes away. I hold you tightly within my heart and there you will remain. You see life has gone on without you but never will be the same.”
    I love and miss you so very much. I pray that I’ll see you and Dad again when my time comes. <3
    Kenny

    1
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  12. Afton Jackson  October 7, 2019 at 6:51 pm Reply

    I like how you gathered your strength and wrote several insightful analysis about remembrance. In grief, you can just choose to be lost and wallow away, or remember how the person you lost expressed their love in a timeless and ageless manner. If ever, I can use some help on what you know on grief counseling, you seem to manage it well, it wouldn’t hurt if I took some tips from you.

  13. Sue Bryan  April 22, 2019 at 2:01 pm Reply

    My husband died 3 months ago. His eye glasses are still on the table next to his favorite chair. I’m sure family and friends have noticed them, but kindly haven’t said 1 word. I notice them. Each time I consider moving them, something tells me to leave them there. Looking at them brings me comfort, for whatever reason, and others don’t need to understand my reason. I don’t understand it but I know those glasses need to stay there, at least for now.

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  14. Brian  April 17, 2019 at 11:50 pm Reply

    I am soooo glad there are others who understand.

  15. Marissa Kellett  March 6, 2018 at 5:22 am Reply

    I needed to read this today. Sometimes I can get caught up in the achingly inadequate feeling of needing to do more to demonstrate my ongoing love for my husband. No gesture seems proportional to the love (and pain) I feel. How could it?
    But you are so right about the small, thoughtful, spur-of-the-moment gestures having the greatest impact. That was the way it was when my husband was alive, so why would it be any different now? We did not need anything more elaborate or grand than being present with each other to know how much we loved each other.
    More and more I have come to view my small, daily rituals and expressions of love as being just as powerful (perhaps even more) than the book I have not written or the marathon I have not ran in my husband’s memory. I write to him in my journal almost every day, I wear the Winnipeg Goldeyes’ t-shirt that was my first gift to him to bed, I sit in the special room I created filled with books, pictures, art and memories to write and pray, I reread our amazing text message conversations, and I say “sleep well my sweet prince” every night before going to sleep just as I did every single night while we were together (and I imagine him saying “sleep well my beautiful princess” to me).
    Most of all, I feel his love burning in my heart when I reach out to encourage and lift up others…. his love lives on in me and through me when I share those small acts of love with others.

  16. Marissa Kellett  March 6, 2018 at 5:22 am Reply

    I needed to read this today. Sometimes I can get caught up in the achingly inadequate feeling of needing to do more to demonstrate my ongoing love for my husband. No gesture seems proportional to the love (and pain) I feel. How could it?
    But you are so right about the small, thoughtful, spur-of-the-moment gestures having the greatest impact. That was the way it was when my husband was alive, so why would it be any different now? We did not need anything more elaborate or grand than being present with each other to know how much we loved each other.
    More and more I have come to view my small, daily rituals and expressions of love as being just as powerful (perhaps even more) than the book I have not written or the marathon I have not ran in my husband’s memory. I write to him in my journal almost every day, I wear the Winnipeg Goldeyes’ t-shirt that was my first gift to him to bed, I sit in the special room I created filled with books, pictures, art and memories to write and pray, I reread our amazing text message conversations, and I say “sleep well my sweet prince” every night before going to sleep just as I did every single night while we were together (and I imagine him saying “sleep well my beautiful princess” to me).
    Most of all, I feel his love burning in my heart when I reach out to encourage and lift up others…. his love lives on in me and through me when I share those small acts of love with others.

  17. Michele  March 6, 2018 at 4:21 am Reply

    I love reading everyone’s stories and memories.
    If I’m having a glass of wine, occasionally I pour my husband a glass too. Then I have a little chat with him and give him a kiss, just like we used to. I keep his slippers in plain view in the closet, and I pinch the big toe “goodbye” before I leave for work. These and many other rituals that we shared give me so much joy – I’m so grateful that I found a comfort zone to do these things. At first it was terrifying to connect this way.

  18. Michele  March 6, 2018 at 4:21 am Reply

    I love reading everyone’s stories and memories.
    If I’m having a glass of wine, occasionally I pour my husband a glass too. Then I have a little chat with him and give him a kiss, just like we used to. I keep his slippers in plain view in the closet, and I pinch the big toe “goodbye” before I leave for work. These and many other rituals that we shared give me so much joy – I’m so grateful that I found a comfort zone to do these things. At first it was terrifying to connect this way.

  19. Dani  March 6, 2018 at 1:37 am Reply

    Tomorrow will be the third anniversary since my Mom died, today is the 2 month anniversary since my dig died, and in two months it will be 4 years since my Dad died. Your post hit at just the right time for me.

    I wear my Mom’s wedding ring on my right hand, and it reminds me everyday that love and loyalty are irreplaceable. I have a picture in my wallet of them because it’s hard some days to remember them. I wear Mom’s robe on cold mornings. When I was clearing out holiday stuff, I saved Christmas gift tags with their handwriting and they hang on my bedroom wall next to my dog’s collar and tags.

    So many times people think it’s the big things that have memories, but for me it’s the small daily things. Notes, a kitchen gadget that was cheap 40 years ago but after so many uses has become a treasure, a pair of slippers, a tie…I treasure what I have left.

  20. Dani  March 6, 2018 at 1:37 am Reply

    Tomorrow will be the third anniversary since my Mom died, today is the 2 month anniversary since my dig died, and in two months it will be 4 years since my Dad died. Your post hit at just the right time for me.

    I wear my Mom’s wedding ring on my right hand, and it reminds me everyday that love and loyalty are irreplaceable. I have a picture in my wallet of them because it’s hard some days to remember them. I wear Mom’s robe on cold mornings. When I was clearing out holiday stuff, I saved Christmas gift tags with their handwriting and they hang on my bedroom wall next to my dog’s collar and tags.

    So many times people think it’s the big things that have memories, but for me it’s the small daily things. Notes, a kitchen gadget that was cheap 40 years ago but after so many uses has become a treasure, a pair of slippers, a tie…I treasure what I have left.

  21. Sally Plain  March 5, 2018 at 10:25 am Reply

    I wear his wedding ring on a chain around my neck. On our 45th wedding anniversary, I added my ring to his. I also have several arrow heads he found as a child that I am planning to give to the grandchildren when they are older.

  22. Sally Plain  March 5, 2018 at 10:25 am Reply

    I wear his wedding ring on a chain around my neck. On our 45th wedding anniversary, I added my ring to his. I also have several arrow heads he found as a child that I am planning to give to the grandchildren when they are older.

  23. Becky  January 5, 2017 at 4:51 pm Reply

    My Husband died almost 5 years ago – I was his caregiver. I just recently donated his nice shoes – it was very hard. I still have some of his shirts and a beautiful coat he jokingly called his “mafia coat” – he was originally from New York. Lost my Mama just over a year ago, my best friend, miss her so much – was her caregiver. I can’t let go of any of her things – don’t know if I ever will – I love her and miss her so much! These past holidays were very difficult – it was good to get back to work. Trying to get used to my second “new normal”

  24. Vicki  June 6, 2016 at 4:03 pm Reply

    They told ME to get rid of his shirt that I used to sleep in, that keeping articles of clothing was so “unhealthy.”
    Criminy. If we can vote either Trump OR Clinton into the White House I don’t see how ANYthing else can be unhealthy. Not compared to that.
    I’m in a really terrible place right now. I can’t even think positive today.
    If I’d known there was nothing wrong with wearing the shirt I never would have given it away, but a professional counselor called it unhealthy. She wasn’t a grief counselor. They didn’t pay for us to have specific counseling. They gave us money for counseling but you got whatever one was available – and you got 10 sessions. I thought it was totally stupid and tried to refuse the money, but they wouldn’t let me do so.
    My loved one died in Tower 1 on September 11, 2001. His entire human remains were burned beyond recognition or later identification (IDK what happened to his teeth, which usually DON’T burn, “even in the hottest fires” according to the coroner) and our death certificate says Name: Eric Bee, Cause of Death (presumed finding of death, homicide) and we had to fight to get the cause of homicide placed on the death certificate. The city of New York wanted to put Terrorist Attack as the cause.
    They never found anything that matched the DNA samples for identifying Eric that we gave them.
    I still have his Civil War books but only because I couldn’t find anyone who wants to buy them. Now maybe I’ll keep them even though I don’t like reading about the Civil War. He had some kind of obsession with it. We used to go to Civil War Re-enactments, that’s how into it he was.

  25. Ro  August 14, 2015 at 7:30 pm Reply

    The ending of your blog post says it exactly right! I have a lot of little items! Most significant is the ring I always wear that my husband gave me several days before he passed – one that I had given him 30 years before. I sleep in or with one of his t-shirts lightly sprayed with the cologne he always wore. Of course, I have photos – framed, on my computer, and on Facebook. I play his/our favorite music from his huge collection of LPs and CDs. Every now and then, I have a drink of his favorite scotch. That covers all five senses: sight, touch, smell, hearing, and taste.

  26. Tracy  August 14, 2015 at 1:48 pm Reply

    I love your post and your comforting words remind me that I don’t have to let go. Unfortunatey I don’t have much to hang onto..My dad’s partner got rid of most of his things, without ever asking me if I would like some of his things…She cleaned out his closet, threw out, donated & sold off everything including wooden benches he built by hand to neighbours & strangers…never wanting me to have anything. She set a shoe box aside of what she thought I should get. I do have family photos and a few books, and a his treasured baseball jacket I took from the closet before her purge. I am heart broken beyond belief of her insensitivity & meanness. However I did find the 2 wooden carved benches he made on the neighbours deck and I am sure they didn’t know their importance to me when she gave them away, as he made them and I don’t know how to get them back? I would like them in my backyard…..

  27. Family Photography  December 13, 2014 at 7:24 am Reply

    The little tokens of love from the immediate family members are the little treasures of life. I have a collection of family photographs . And whenever i feel mellow i take them out and revive the memories of my loved ones and childhood.

  28. Mollie  October 14, 2014 at 10:43 pm Reply

    I never knew this site existed. I have had so many loses in my life, I feel I will never be able to truly live a “normal, happy” life. I feel horrible most of the time. My bucket has so many holes and not enough mortar to plug them up. I’m glad I found this site. What is “commentluv”??

    • Litsa  October 15, 2014 at 8:08 am Reply

      Mollie so glad that you found our site and just so sorry that you have had so many losses that led you here. I hope you find our posts helpful.

      Commentluv is a plug-in that allows other people to have blogs to share a link back to their website when they leave a comment on this site.

  29. Lisa Bogatin  October 10, 2014 at 4:04 pm Reply

    As always, really enjoyed how you say things.
    This is kind of connected to the Theory of Continuing Bonds.
    It is not pathological to stay connected to your deceased loved ones, as some people think. I keep my father’s cologne . The smell reminds me of him. Lisa

    • Eleanor  October 11, 2014 at 5:17 pm Reply

      I agree Lisa! This is definitely one way we continue bonds.

  30. Zoe  October 9, 2014 at 5:44 pm Reply

    A lovely post. So reassuring to read that having my late husband’s stuff around the house doesn’t mean I’m struggling to accept that he’s no longer with us but in fact shows he still remains in our lives and is something to cherish. Something that many a well meaning friend has struggled to understand. Thank you.

    • Eleanor  October 11, 2014 at 5:19 pm Reply

      Zoe,

      I think it takes having lost someone to really understand it…and even then people sometimes still don’t. I’m sorry about your husband’s death.

      Eleanor

  31. Kiri  October 9, 2014 at 2:12 pm Reply

    Well said, I have had similar thoughts going around my head recently along with a few as yet unwritten posts on my blog. Your living room sounds lovely 🙂

    • Eleanor  October 11, 2014 at 5:19 pm Reply

      Thanks Kiri!

      Let us know if you ever write those posts 🙂

  32. Robin aka Gotham Girl  October 9, 2014 at 1:52 pm Reply

    Thank you for such a lovely post. I just posted a blog post that says something very similar. Just missing my daddy…and love when he sends me signs and messages. Like others…I sleep in his tshirts and wear his flannel shirts. Thank you always for your postings.
    https://gothamgirlchronicles.com/personal/a-sign-a-message/

    • Eleanor  October 11, 2014 at 5:20 pm Reply

      Ahhh yes signs and messages. We haven’t discussed that one here yet, I’ll have to check out your post.

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