Our Birthday: Life as a Twinless Twin

Photogrief / Photogrief : Eleanor Haley

by Melina Cruz, twin to Melissa

I am a twinless twin. Our birthday is on April 23rd. Melissa died on April 24. How insane is that? It has been 5 years since she passed away.  I still cannot wrap my head around that. These past five years have gone by so quickly, yet so slowly. Some days I feel like I am moving forward and living my best life. Other times, I feel stuck and I cannot breathe. Sometimes I feel guilty for feeling happy. Sometimes I am angry when people tell me not to feel sad. Sometimes I cry when I am overwhelmed and it is just too much to handle. I spend so much energy trying to be okay in this world without Melissa, that when I get home I feel exhausted and drained. Melissa would want me to be happy. People tell me that all the time. I guess I believe them.

I took this picture randomly because I thought it looked cool. Afterward, I realized this is where I am in my life. I am simply putting one foot in front of another. Taking one step at a time. I miss Melissa every day and that will not change. My grief is a part of me now. I understand that more and more each day.

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4 Comments on "Our Birthday: Life as a Twinless Twin"

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  1. Maureen Callahan  September 4, 2019 at 6:08 am Reply

    I am sorry for your loss! I’m a twin and my twin sister just lost her 22 year old son who is exactly 2 months to the day older than my son. We were pregnant at the same time, we raised them so closely together. I try to explain to people why the death of my twin’s son, my beloved nephew who is so much more than a nephew hurts so bad but I don’t think anyone understands. I’m sending you a hug. I am so very sorry for you.

  2. Justin  August 14, 2019 at 1:38 am Reply

    I feel your pain.My twin brother died on our birthday.March 18th 2018. We we’re supposed to go fishing.He never showed up. It’s never benn the same.

  3. Nathan L  July 19, 2018 at 12:28 pm Reply

    Thank you for your post. It hit me hard personally. My mom and her sister were identical twins, named Melanie and Melissa. They have both passed now. My aunt Melissa died before my mom and I know it was very difficult for her to say the least. Keep going and taking steps forward.

  4. laura  June 29, 2018 at 4:37 pm Reply

    I got all choked up when I read your post and saw your photo. It is so deeply felt, raw and truthful. We (my daughter and I ) felt the same way when we lost her father, my husband, best friend and lover. It’s been 7 years since he left us to start his next unknown journey and the pain is not as piercing as it was in the beginning but it still goes as deep. For her, losing her dad at age 12 will be part of her for the rest of her life.
    thank you for sharing your emotional truth.


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