Hey Old Friend: Reconnecting With People Who Matter
/ Support Systems : Litsa Williams
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For a while now, I've been thinking about the way people come in and out of our lives. This isn’t an issue unique to grief, but it seems to come up a lot here in grief-land. When we experience a devastating loss, many dominos can fall. Sometimes friends disappear. Sometimes we isolate ourselves or alienate other people, even old friends who we love. Sometimes families have falling outs. Sometimes our priorities change and that means letting some people go. The reasons are endless.
Sometimes people disappear from our lives for reasons totally unrelated to grief. There are times when life gets busy, people move away, change jobs, have kids, and suddenly someone who meant a lot is no longer around. Whatever the reasons, sometimes we look around and realize that we just don’t have quite as much love and community as we used to or as we need. The pain of those people who have disappeared can feel even more intense when we're grieving and really could use their love and support.
This morning, I had breakfast with an old friend—a friend who goes back to college years. This is a person who just makes me feel good about life and humanity. He is a person who makes the world a better place, who makes me want to make the world a better place, and who reminds me what love, compassion, and community are all about. Before this morning, I hadn’t seen him in a few years. I would like to say that we got together because I was thoughtful and self-aware about how much I missed having him in my life, so I reached out. But that isn’t what happened. I saw him because I ran into his mom and step-dad. I know, lame. That chance encounter led to a text and a call and ultimately a breakfast where we both talked about how excited we were to see one another, to collaborate to help people grieving here in Baltimore, and to spend some time together again.
I drove away from breakfast thinking about this article. I wanted to write it because I know this is a common issue. I wanted to write it soon because the holidays are coming and our awareness of those people missing from our lives—both dead and alive—can become deeply intensified. But I just kept staring at it, thinking “I know this is important, why can’t I get it written?” I can’t say for sure what the block was, but after breakfast today, I rushed home to start writing. I think the big difference was that I remembered that feeling again. It wasn’t the abstract idea that it's hard when we lose touch with people who mean something to us. It also wasn't the vague notion that it's good to reconnect again or rekindle relationships with people who bring love, hope, and support to our lives. It was the actual feeling of being in the presence of another person who I connect with, care about, and am excited to be around (even after I let way too many years slip by).
We don’t always have control over people disappearing from our lives and sometimes there is no way to get them back. People we love die... You probably know that well. It’s probably why you’re here. In that case, there is truly no control. You can continue your bond with them, love and remember them, but you can’t make them reappear. That’s the bad news.
The good news though is: Sometimes we do have control, even when it doesn’t feel like it. Many times, we’ve just told ourselves stories that make us think we don’t. We say things like:
“Oh, it's been way too long. It would be weird to reach out."
“If my grief scared them away, they won't want to be friends or they aren’t worth being friends with.”
“I did mean things or pushed them away. They’ll never forgive me.” (We’ve written about this here.)
“They’re probably too busy, or don’t have time for me, or we’ve changed too much."
The stories go on and on.
Today’s post doesn’t have any magic solutions to people disappearing from our lives... That's a post for another day. Instead, I'll offer a few pieces of advice from a mental health professional who had a couple of really important people disappear this year, and someone who has rekindled old relationships with some really important people. These tips aren't rocket science. They aren't things you don't already know. But I hope they are the reminder or the push you need to reach out to an old friend and say Hey, I've really missed you.
If you’re feeling that your support system has dwindled, if you’ve lost touch with people you miss or who you cared about, if you’re feeling isolated and lonely:
Identify the meaningful people you've lost touch with. This might mean thinking waaaay back to an old friend from high school or college, or it may mean thinking of someone you just haven't talked to in two or three months and really miss.
Ignore those stories you're telling yourself and write a new story. Guess what? Sometimes our thoughts aren't accurate. Sometimes we have to say: Just because I am worried about something doesn't mean I shouldn't give it a try anyway. If you're telling yourself the story that it's been too long or that they're too busy, that's nothing more than a thought. It doesn't mean it's true, and it certainly doesn't mean you can't reach out anyway!
Just do it. Have you been thinking about reaching out to an old friend or family member for a while, but keep putting it off? STOP PUTTING IT OFF. DO IT RIGHT NOW. I don't want to sound cliché but, life is short!
Apologize if you need to. We all screw up. We all hurt other people sometimes. We can't control if someone forgives us, but we can say we're sorry and hope for the best. It isn't easy, but sometimes it really pays off... And sometimes people really surprise you. Don't believe me? This year, I reached out to someone I was really terrible to after eight years. Eight years! And I was terrible. Terrible! Not only did that person forgive me, but we've somehow managed to restore a friendship I thought was gone for good.
We want to know your experience. Is there someone you're going to reach out to? Have you lost touch with someone and then gotten back in touch? Leave a comment.
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anon February 7, 2023 at 11:23 pm
I have been avail on FB for years. My High school( 1980’s) had one gal, who was bff, and we only did 1.2 dozen few fb text over 25 yrr period. dead head friend.
suddenly she decides ” hey I am in your city” * I felt resentment. not excitement. you want me to drop paid work, spend 5 hrs in hellish traffic, spend $$ for my own lunch ? I had hard look into my needs. 1. she is making me do all the work, 2. no offer of “i buy you lunch”. 3. she gives me a tiny window, and ‘flakey hours ” so it puts my schedule into chaos last min,. so, i followed my gut, planned to repair my house, and said ” sorry but i just don’t have the short time frame outta work..ect…to visit this time
btw..she has been through my city 10 times, and NEVER reached out!!
Lilly June 21, 2022 at 3:50 am
I enjoyed this article but still have mixed feelings. I’m happily Married but sometimes my mind drifts off into the past. I think about this boy that was a friend that turned into a 3 week relationship adventure, we were in high school and he was a funny kid. We kept in touch for a bit and hung out a bit after the “break up”, until my husband and I became serious and the whole friendship with exs thing was a no go. That was about 11 years ago since we “dated” and 8 years since we last hung out. Why does he sporadically cross my mind?
Litsa June 27, 2022 at 7:32 am
It is impossible to say why, but often those people where things were short or easy come up. It is easy to romanticize a 3 week relationship adventure because it didn’t probably have a lot of “tough stuff” that longer relationships have when you’re older. So it’s easy for nostalgia to kick in and it can feel like an escape from all the hard or more complicated things in the present.
Remy April 15, 2022 at 6:23 am
Ugh I’m dealing with this again except I’m sort of on the receiving end. My former best friend’s mom claims that her daughter misses me so I should contact her. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that I’m not interested in being friends with her daughter.
The last time she tried to rekindle our friendship I kept things short so her daughter would know that I have no intentions in catching up. She caught on or maybe just didn’t care as usual. When we were friends I remember it ending with me feeling like it was one sided so I silently removed myself. It seemed my friend at the time didn’t notice or care since she still didn’t initiate contact. She would repsond to me most of the time but almost never contact me first.
I don’t recall our friendship always being like that but maybe it was and I never noticed. I did talk to her about how it bothers me and she said she enjoys me contacting her but she doesn’t feel like contacting me and that it’s not her problem if I feel upset about it.
I recently ran into her mom and same thing expect she said her daughter isn’t doing well and that I should call her not text her. I didn’t have much of an emotional evocation so I guess I’m over the friendship. I don’t want to get sucked back in. I’m not looking forward to reaching out and I’ll be praying that she doesn’t pick up the phone. That friendship wasn’t healthy for me since she was mostly mean. At the time I was a people pleaser push over that tolerated too much foul treatment from everyone. Anyways I think I’ll just say Happy Easter and leave it at that.
Elohor November 9, 2022 at 11:22 pm
I don’t know what say it’s been traumatizing years to meet a old friend who’s older than me and who’s taller than me and who’s knew my boundaries and my lack of abilities my lack of freedom she’s have been here for me I always fail everything to do what’s best for me. Ever since this incident happened she has been comforting me for a month… I said this was a big shocking devastating… it’s been for several days I have seen her in person
Before that incident happened she hug me and said sorry for your loss I started break down in tears till I cry myself to sleep… her name is Natashae Stewart December 26th I’ve been putting my life pieces back to together I’ve been struggling at home… I couldn’t watch television anymore because of pilling up the bills…
I couldn’t sleep or eat, do my journal all I heard is knock on my window 🪟 it was her I said how did u get inside my room… she woke up me up I couldn’t go back to sleep… I wish me and her could take a relaxing road trip but it’s not going happened because I have to take care of my family is important
Hey we all made mistakes… I’ve never dance and done crazy things I’m happy I didn’t like her but now I like her 100 percent we Need be together not a apart
Today we danced 🕺 in my living room and I was being a happy girl in my life… this morning I didn’t eat so she got me food
Camille Smith September 24, 2021 at 3:50 am
Thank you so much for this article. Because if you, I now know how to get my best friend back.
Star_boy2 May 4, 2021 at 11:34 pm
thank you so much for this article. I was just asking for a sign earlier today if I should reach out to a significant person from my past. He was a very significant person in my life and to this day I still have dreams about him. I care about him a great deal and it pains me, as I believe he is in an unhealthy situation. He has accused me of doing multiple harmful things; none of which I have done nor would I want to do; which eventually led to our relationship falling apart at the seams. I believe he is a damaged person and his wounds are causing him to see danger and pain when in fact there is none. It keeps me up at night, wondering and hoping that he is healing and improving himself instead of succumbing to his circumstances. I can’t quite put into words how much he means to me, he is like the older brother that I never had. found family. perhaps we once were Brothers in another life, I don’t know.
I was told by someone in his life to never ever contact either of them again. I do not want to rock the boat or start up any unnecessary drama. but my God I would give anything just to be able to hold him in my arms one more time. If I could give him A hug so big and so powerful it meant all of his broken pieces back together, I would do so in a heartbeat. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know if I should reach out or if he simply just isn’t meant to be in my life ever again. I know some people aren’t meant to be in your life for very long.
Sanney December 20, 2020 at 4:08 am
Well.. I’m clueless & confused. Don’t know whether this article helped or not. Whether I screwed up or the time was fucked up. I isolated myself from my high school friends & even, they didn’t reach out. I miss them, & I used to think that there was something between us (group of 5). Few days ago, I bumped into one & realized how much everything has changed. Guess what – I’m a boring person now. We were trying to find something to talk about… that effort should not be there. Friendships are natural. Ain’t so?
On top of that, there was a girl whom I loved/love… she was the only thing I ever wanted. She… let’s just leave it there. A thought used to pop up time & again, that this won’t work out in the end. And, I ran away. Now, I miss her.
I fucked up… and everything is gone. My relationships, friendships and what not. Don’t know where I’ll end up or what will happen. Just going with the flow… hiding at the same time – from my past!
IsabelleS December 21, 2020 at 11:08 am
Sanney, I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through this. The reality is that sometimes relationships/friendships do take effort… They don’t always come naturally. Relationships are hard… Don’t be so tough on yourself about struggling to maintain them. There is always a way forward. Have you tried seeking out the support of a therapist or counselor? All the best.
Sanney December 24, 2020 at 3:05 pm
No. Not really good at sharing my feelings with others.
It’s affecting me… my personal & professional life, both. Only music is there by my side. Determined to somehow start living again… that that small array of light in this dark room!
Lily September 15, 2020 at 2:31 pm
Thank you for writing this, if found it very helpful and it somehow gave me a little bit of courage to reach out to my old best friend, that I miss dearly… Even though I’m still a little bit scared to end up being ignored or rejected, I still want to try, but it’s hard
I want her to forgive me for something I did long ago, but I’m afraid that she already forgot about me and moved on. I wonder what should I do…
Lily September 19, 2020 at 9:52 am
Update : I finally reached her out, and she still remembered me, so you should give a try too! Take your time if you want to recontact an old friend, don’t have any regrets!
Patty August 15, 2020 at 12:12 pm
I have a friend that I miss dearly. I’ve had some family emergency’s lately that have made my life difficult. I made bad decisions, some out of confusion, and I haven’t been there for them the way I’ve wanted and I never got to really show what they meant to me. I’m pretty sure they no longer want to speak, but I wish I could apologize and open up to them. Just not sure what to do.
Star_boy2 May 4, 2021 at 11:37 pm
I would still encourage you to reach out. If she is a real friend, I believe she would understand if you had a family emergency and therefore was not able to be around as much. I don’t think you did anything wrong, most people I think would choose their family over their friends during an emergency. I would apologize and simply ask for forgiveness, it’s all you can do. If she is a real friend then I’m sure she will be able to understand. I like to say that actions speak louder than words. I am sending you the best of luck and my best wishes for you and her. I hope everything works out for the best for everyone.
Debbie June 17, 2020 at 4:30 pm
I found your article helpful, however I find it very hard to ask for help
Michele February 28, 2020 at 10:34 pm
I have a friend from us at 5 years old , stayed close until we were 30, she got involved with drugs and we were in and out of touch for years. I never stop thinking about her , I’m always looking for her , I worry constantly for her well being .I pray one day I can find her before it’s too late . I still love her regardless that will never change . I know if we saw each other it would be like yesterday ❤️
Tonya September 24, 2019 at 12:36 pm
I had a bff (I thought) that I honestly thought that we would be bffs forever. She moved away and then I did as well. I would text her good morning and good night daily.
The falling out came about a month ago, my family had our 3rd annual Labor Day cookout (which she and her husband had been invited to each yet, and for one reason or another they have never attended).
2 days after the cookout she texted me upset because I had not told her how it went and saying that I only text her good morning and good night. I explained that the get together was very small and a lot of people didn’t show and that I was truly upset by it. And that I always text her at those times to show that I’m thinking about her.
She stopped texting altogether as did I, as I felt if she didn’t want me texting her good morning and good night then I just wouldn’t text at all.
Am I wrong? How do I try to reconnect? Is reconnecting worth it?
Background: I ended up staying with her for 2 weeks about 3 years ago and she went off on me for nothing in particular, she has depression problems and therefore I decided to give it another try. (I was on eggshells for the last 1/2 week and in tears) this is when her husband told me about her depression and about her being bipolar.
Cathy October 27, 2018 at 2:50 pm
You can miss someone every day but that doesn’t always mean you should get back in touch with them. Especially if the reason you walked away was that they brought you mostly unhappiness because of their extreme narcissism. But I’m lonely and this was someone who was the best friend I ever had. Until they weren’t. What to do.
Halle August 11, 2018 at 11:44 pm
There was a guy I used to talk to we were close friends . I could be so open with him and everything just instantly clicked , he got me and I got him. I was young at the time and going through some emotions . He was wanting to be more and I just couldn’t comprehend us at the time with my mind so scattered trying to figure myself out . He stopped talking to me for about a month and I met another guy and everything happened fast it was a toxic relashionship and he made me choose between him and my old friend who I missed . And thinking I did the right thing I chose him . As my toxic relashionship would end(many times) I would reach out to my old friend not getting to the point of a conversation and we get back together and I would cutt ties again and again . I always felt like reaching for him . And now 5 years pass and I still think about him . I always compared my bf to my old friend and he never measured up to our connection we had . I hoped eventually he would get off my mind but he hasn’t
Dan April 25, 2019 at 5:53 pm
It sounds to me that your priorities were a little screwed up. Why are you trying to forget someone that was a friend? I guess I should ask why did you push away someone whom you had a good connections with and try to forget them later on down the road? It doesn’t sound like you treated him well while knowing him. But we should always try to remember the people that mean the most to us, remember the good things.
You were young and confused but then in a month you were ready for this other guy that you had a toxic relationship with? Your “old friend” probably took that as an insult that you chose this other guy over him if your “old friend” had genuine feelings for you. If you still miss him after all this time then that should tell you that hes important enough to reconnect with and maybe he was the one that got away.
With all that being said, life is short and tomorrow is never guaranteed. Reach out to that person because they probably miss you too and/or would like to hear from you as well. No matter what is going on in their life. Who cares if reaching out to them is awkward, maybe something that they say will make you feel better about the whole situation. Maybe not but what is the worst that can happen? He doesn’t answer…if that happens, then you can take it as some sort of closure.
Halle August 11, 2018 at 11:42 pm
There was a guy I used to talk to we were close friends . I could be so open with him and everything just instantly clicked , he got me and I got him. I was young at the time and going through some emotions . He was wanting to be more and I just couldn’t comprehend us at the time with my mind so scattered trying to figure myself out . He stopped talking to me for about a month and I met another guy and everything happened fast it was a toxic relashionship and he made me choose between him and my old friend who I missed . And thinking I did the right thing I chose him . As my toxic relashionship would end(many times) I would reach out to my old friend not getting to the point of a conversation and we get back together and I would cutt ties again and again . I always felt like reaching for him . And now 5 years pass and I still think about him . I always compared my bf to my old friend and he never measured up to our connection we had .
Armaan.Baghadiya December 23, 2018 at 4:08 am
I just understood, a little feeling I had for a girl right an year ago, a feeling of friendship. It was The night of new year and Only she was there to ask me to join the party, while I was sitting in a corner of my life thinking how mess my life is. While she pushed me into the party fun and Made the enjoy the crackles and fun around. I seriously have no clue why was she so important to me. Maybe her presence made me feel too happy and got positive vibes into me.. or maybe I always felt there is someone who cares for me when I was with her. Sadly after few months of being close happy friends, I have no clue what just happened… All of sudden, everything just changed.. Even today I see her around me, She is there but I just can’t approach. Maybe I have fear.. I don’t know of what, but there is something that isn’t allowing me to go ahead and talk to her. I HAVE LOST THIS OPPORTUNITY TO BE THAT ‘CLOSE FRIEND’ OF HER…. You didn’t yet.. Go ahead and talk to your best friend. Get things clear.
Just go up to him(Your Close Friend). Just for once.
Monica November 20, 2017 at 8:32 am
Hi girls! 🙂
I have a question for you:
A recent ex-boyfriend just lost his mother and I want to be supportive. Our relationship was long-distance and ended a little time ago, so all I could do when he emailed me to give me the news was to offer some words and to be open in case he wanted to talk or vent, which he did a day later. I know we’re not together, but as he reached out to “ask for my support”, I got that he was in a different mood and the “us” topic wouldn’t come along, so I felt it was right to keep texting and checking in on him. But now, after two weeks, he was honest with me and told me that he wants more from me, meaning getting back together, on a “real” face to face relationship. If all I can offer him is a virtual friendship and an attentive ear, he doesn’t need anything from me at all. Not rude, but really to the point. So now I’m so sad I can no longer be there for him, given that I can’t give him what he wants. I left communication open but said I would respect his wishes and wouldn’t get in touch unless he wanted me to.
I’m so so sorry for his loss but don’t want to add to his suffering right now with more drama in his life.
Do you have any suggestions? What do I do now, except from nothing? Does he still want me to reach out, as I know people in grief sometimes say what they don’t mean?
Thanks a lot!
Monica November 20, 2017 at 8:32 am
Hi girls! 🙂
I have a question for you:
A recent ex-boyfriend just lost his mother and I want to be supportive. Our relationship was long-distance and ended a little time ago, so all I could do when he emailed me to give me the news was to offer some words and to be open in case he wanted to talk or vent, which he did a day later. I know we’re not together, but as he reached out to “ask for my support”, I got that he was in a different mood and the “us” topic wouldn’t come along, so I felt it was right to keep texting and checking in on him. But now, after two weeks, he was honest with me and told me that he wants more from me, meaning getting back together, on a “real” face to face relationship. If all I can offer him is a virtual friendship and an attentive ear, he doesn’t need anything from me at all. Not rude, but really to the point. So now I’m so sad I can no longer be there for him, given that I can’t give him what he wants. I left communication open but said I would respect his wishes and wouldn’t get in touch unless he wanted me to.
I’m so so sorry for his loss but don’t want to add to his suffering right now with more drama in his life.
Do you have any suggestions? What do I do now, except from nothing? Does he still want me to reach out, as I know people in grief sometimes say what they don’t mean?
Thanks a lot!
RobinA November 15, 2017 at 8:26 am
There is an advantage to reaching out, even if the result isn’t exactly as you had hoped.
I had a very close best friend in college who was my roommate there for a number of years. After college I left the area, began working, and became quite immersed in my job. She kind of drifted. We lost touch because neither of us made a particular effort not to. I would periodically visit my college area to visit friends with whom I did still have contact and I would try to get together with Roommate. There was not a big effort on her part to make it happen. One of my friend told me that Roommate must not be too interested in us getting together, because she never helped make arrangements. I decided Friend was right and stopped attempting contact.
Move ahead 15 years. I still missed Roommate, even though I had new friends, and some old. I decided that *I* had to be the one to decide when to stop trying to contact, so I wrote her a letter. I did have thoughts about it being “too long,” but I ignored them. She wrote back fairly quickly and we were in touch again. I visited her several times and for some reason it seemed awkward but I did have a good time. It was weird, because other college friends I could not see for years and then we would get together and it would be like we talked every day. Anyway, we started to drift again, but I would send her a Christmas card each year, bringing her up to date on what was going on. It got to the point where I didn’t hear from her. So I decided – I would send her a Christmas card/letter each year, regardless of response, until I felt like stopping. So I did. Each Christmas I would feel like trying the contact, so I did. Never heard back. Eventually I just no longer felt the need and I stopped the card/letter. The thing is, I feel fine about it now. I don’t miss her anymore, even though I’ve never had a relationship that came close to the one we had. I stopped the attempts at contact when I felt ready and I now have no regrets, no coulda, woulda, shoulda . I did what I could, it didn’t work out, so that is that.
RobinA November 15, 2017 at 8:26 am
There is an advantage to reaching out, even if the result isn’t exactly as you had hoped.
I had a very close best friend in college who was my roommate there for a number of years. After college I left the area, began working, and became quite immersed in my job. She kind of drifted. We lost touch because neither of us made a particular effort not to. I would periodically visit my college area to visit friends with whom I did still have contact and I would try to get together with Roommate. There was not a big effort on her part to make it happen. One of my friend told me that Roommate must not be too interested in us getting together, because she never helped make arrangements. I decided Friend was right and stopped attempting contact.
Move ahead 15 years. I still missed Roommate, even though I had new friends, and some old. I decided that *I* had to be the one to decide when to stop trying to contact, so I wrote her a letter. I did have thoughts about it being “too long,” but I ignored them. She wrote back fairly quickly and we were in touch again. I visited her several times and for some reason it seemed awkward but I did have a good time. It was weird, because other college friends I could not see for years and then we would get together and it would be like we talked every day. Anyway, we started to drift again, but I would send her a Christmas card each year, bringing her up to date on what was going on. It got to the point where I didn’t hear from her. So I decided – I would send her a Christmas card/letter each year, regardless of response, until I felt like stopping. So I did. Each Christmas I would feel like trying the contact, so I did. Never heard back. Eventually I just no longer felt the need and I stopped the card/letter. The thing is, I feel fine about it now. I don’t miss her anymore, even though I’ve never had a relationship that came close to the one we had. I stopped the attempts at contact when I felt ready and I now have no regrets, no coulda, woulda, shoulda . I did what I could, it didn’t work out, so that is that.
nicki November 15, 2017 at 4:52 am
Thanks for this article. I really appreciate your blog and red many of your articles! What I miss in the above article is ideas about how to tell those old people about our loss/es. Short background: I wrote an old friend and she responded immediately. I wrote back telling her things about my life and also stated that I am not fine because of something that happened but that this isn’t appropriate to write what excactly happened in an e-mail. I stated that I nevertheless wanted to mention it and that we don’t have to write about it right now and that she doesn’t need to say something about it. And I offered that we maybe can talk about it when we meet oder talk on the phone. After that mail I didn’t receive an answer.
So, what is your experience concerning old friends and (when and where) telling them about your loss/es?
nicki November 15, 2017 at 4:52 am
Thanks for this article. I really appreciate your blog and red many of your articles! What I miss in the above article is ideas about how to tell those old people about our loss/es. Short background: I wrote an old friend and she responded immediately. I wrote back telling her things about my life and also stated that I am not fine because of something that happened but that this isn’t appropriate to write what excactly happened in an e-mail. I stated that I nevertheless wanted to mention it and that we don’t have to write about it right now and that she doesn’t need to say something about it. And I offered that we maybe can talk about it when we meet oder talk on the phone. After that mail I didn’t receive an answer.
So, what is your experience concerning old friends and (when and where) telling them about your loss/es?