No One is Alone

I’ve been mulling over the idea that no one is alone. It’s a belief I aspire to, but not a truth I can recognize in the context of my every day life. With 2 children, a husband, a father, 5 brothers and sisters, friends, and an extended network of family, my support system seems like an embarrassment of riches, yet all too often I feel like I’m on a team of one.

(Quick note before my family and friends think I take them all for granted; I love you, you’re awesome, and I appreciate you.)

The paradox of my loneliness first occurred to me while watching Disney’s Into the Woods; because clearly nothing is exempt from my tiring scrutiny. There is a beautiful song towards the end called ‘No One Is Alone’, which I’ve heard many times but on this day it really moved me. Sitting in a movie theater with 8 family members I felt the truth of what they we’re saying, yet I realized that other times I feel it’s true for everyone but me.

So what’s wrong with me? Never mind, don’t answer that.

I surmise I sometimes feel alone due to a combination of factors – personality; fear of misplaced reliance; ignorance of what it means to truly have no one; a high tolerance for alone time; my dead mother. Sorry to be so blunt about that last one, maybe if I explain the song further you’ll understand.

The song is sung by two adults and two children who are essentially strangers brought together by calamatous circumstances. All four have just experienced loss and the adults step up to support the children. Here is a semi-bootleg video of the song where the words don’t quite match their lips and the dialogue is missing, but the lyrics are clear:

And here are a few of the lyrics:

“Mother cannot guide you.

Now you’re on your own.

Only me beside you.

Still, you’re not alone.”

“Sometimes people leave you.

Halfway through the wood.

Others may deceive you.

You decide what’s good.

You decide alone.

But no one is alone.”

“Mother isn’t here now

Who knows what she’d say

Nothings quite so clear now.

Feel you’ve lost your way?”

 “Hard to see the light now.

Just don’t let it go

Things will come out right now.

We can make it so.

Someone is on your side.

No one is alone.”

We recently wrote a post specifically about grief and loneliness and in it we detailed some of the reasons why people feel lonely and isolated after the death of a loved one.  Many of these reasons add up to the basic thought that, although you may be surrounded by people, you feel alone because the person you want to be with or who you want to fill a need or role is gone.

What we know is that being lonely is not synonymous with being alone.  In fact many lonely people have large social networks comprised of family, friends, and other connections; yet they feel lonely and isolated because of a perception that the relationships they have don’t meet their social needs.  So in other words, what they have doesn’t add up to what they want.

It makes sense that feelings of loneliness are especially pronounced after a close loved one dies.  Like a distraught child who’s skinned his knee and will allow only his mother to soothe him; some grievers feel they can find no comfort in anyone but the person who has died.  From the initial stab of knowing your loved one’s specific kind of love is gone to the prolonged and nagging ache of their absence; there is an abiding belief that the roles the deceased held – wife, best friend, joke teller, bill payer, cook, confidant, role model – can never be filled and will forever leave a vacancy open in your life.

I think composer Steven Sondheim wrote the above lyrics to try and soothe this type of fear, hopelessness, loneliness and sense of abandonment.  In the story it was the children’s grief after having both lost their mothers, but it applies to all those who have lost a loved one.  True, your loved one is no longer here with you and you have to figure out a way to go on without them; but this doesn’t mean you will forever be empty, lost and alone.  Yes there’s a hole in your heart and an emptiness in your life, but maybe there are people who will come together to try and mend it if you let them.

For myself, I’ll admit I haven’t lived by this.  It sounds hokey, but it was at the exact moment I described in that movie theater that I decided I should. I’ve blindly protected the place my mother held in my life and I’ve insisted on staying so loyal to her that I know I’ve ignored many opportunities for connection, love, support, reliance, counsel and confidence simply because they didn’t come from her. With all the wonderful people in my life, many of them wonderful mothers themselves, this is a mistake.

Now Into the Woods is is just a story and in reality it may take a long time for us grievers to contradict thoughts like – no one will ever make me feel the way my loved one did; they left me alone; and now I have to handle things on my own.  Not to mention there truly are people with very limited support networks and sometimes grief makes otherwise good family and friends run away.  But there is merit in at least believing in the idea that we are not alone, so when opportunities for love, support and connection present themselves our hearts and minds are ready and willing to receive them.

Let’s be friends, OK? Subscribe!

March 28, 2017

5 responses on "No One is Alone"

  1. Just this week I realized that I was feeling really lonely lately. I feel like I’m the only one who is grieving in my closer community right now and I also really miss my dad. That combination makes me feel so isolated but I couldn’t put it in words, so thank you for this post. It’s hard not to feel like I’m getting further from my memories of my dad by creating new ones with other people. Thank you for writing what I couldn’t express with words. Your posts make me feel a little less alone.

    • Blair,

      I’m so sorry you’re feeling alone. Not to take anything away from what you’re going through, but perhaps there’s some comfort to be found in knowing we all feel this way in our grief from time to time. I personally think theres a scariness is moving further into a life without your loved one, but in my experience deceased loved ones tend to follow us where we go. There is totally no basis for me suggesting this, it just popped into my head, but have you tried writing your dad a letter about all the new memories you’re creating? I know it might sound silly, but maybe there’s something to connecting him with the life you’re living now. Just a thought.

      Eleanor

  2. Author Annie MitchellJanuary 23, 2015 at 6:18 amReply

    IT was feeling alone and all the feelings which came with Grief which lead me into my writing from poetry to books also audio books to now songwriting lyrics which I play within my band and many other bands now use my work too.I am Scottish so use my accent to my full potential with sometimes turning my poetry into Rabbie Burns style which I include in my own Journey through Grief which I shall not advertise until asked to I respect everyones wordpress /blog/timelines/or other just as mine are thank you for reading this.Annie

  3. Thanks,. I had a “melt down” in the car, a common place especially when familliar music comes on. I have been feeling overwhelmed off and on these past 8 months since my husband died. The “melt down” was about feeling all alone and having to take care of everything all on my own, afraid of making mistakes, and not having anyone to rely on by me. I know there are people who care but, really don’t know how to help or even that I may need help with something. Reading this and talking to my brother reassured me that I am not alone (though I may have to accustom myself to being lonely sometimes) and that I can and should reach out to others.Guess reinventing me as I go “into the woods” of my future is what I need to try and do- 1 step at a time Thanks for your post!

  4. Thank you so much for opening my eyes to this. I often feel that I’m alone, but, I can clearly see that I’m not alone. There are many friends and family who try to connect with me, but, because they can’t connect the way my husband would have connected with me, I have isolated myself, and I now realize that if I don’t allow someone in to my innermost space, I really will be alone. I think, today, you have helped me to transition to a new place where I can be open for a new relationship. My husband would want that for me. He loved me just that much. I had a dream this week where I walked into his funeral service alone, and I was crying uncontrollably. I believe it’s time to make some changes. Thank you again. I love your posts, and I share them with others.

Leave a Message

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Disclaimer

WYG provides general educational information from mental health professionals, but you should not substitute information on the What’s Your Grief website for professional advice. Please check out terms and conditions here

National Suicide Prevention Hotline

National Suicide Prevention Hotline - 1-800-273-8255

PhotoGrief

Share Your Snapshot

Grief In 6 Words

Submit a Story to Us

What's Your Grief Podcast

Listen to our podcast

top
X