Nighttime Rumination in Grief

Understanding Grief / Understanding Grief : Eleanor Haley



For further articles on these topics:


Some nights feel like an abyss.  It starts small, with a thought, memory, or worry that cracks the ground beneath me, and before I know it my foundation has crumbled away and I am tumbling into darkness.

These thoughts appear in the evening, while I'm brushing my teeth or putting on pajamas. And in the quiet of night, when working hours are over and my family is asleep, there is little to stand in the way of the snowballing inertia of my mind's most distressing thoughts.

I think it’s safe to say that my nighttime brooding is a form of rumination. Rumination definitions vary but generally speaking it is when a person continuously goes over a thought, issue, memory, or problem without making progress, reaching conclusions, or finding peace of mind.

There have been many studies on what psychologists call ‘depressive rumination’ as well as ‘grief rumination’ which may be defined as,

“repetitive and recurrent thinking about causes and consequences of the loss and loss-related emotions.” (Eisma & Stroebe, 2017).

When compared to non-ruminators, both types of rumination are associated with poorer outcomes following the death of a loved one and experiences like depression, PTSD, poor problem solving, negative thoughts, and self-blame.

Rumination is something everyone does, but for some, it is an itch that they can't help but scratch raw. But why? Is it in hopes of stumbling on some tidbit that might make their worries seem more bearable? Is it a form of problem-solving?

The answer to these questions depends on which theorist you ask. Some theorists view rumination as ineffective attempts to confront or problem-solve one’s worries, experiences, and anxieties. Other theorists view rumination as an effort to avoid accepting reality.

For example, if a person continuously ruminates over what could have been different in the past (you know those old familiar "if-onlys"), they may never get around to accepting the reality of the present. Eisma & Stroebe (2017) explain how this avoidance could potentially have a negative impact on coping with grief,

“This may have negative consequences because such avoidance could interfere with acceptance of the loss and/or could impede integration of one’s personal memories about the loss with existing memories, thereby fueling grief complications”


Coping with Nighttime Rumination

I'm writing this article from the perspective of someone who is searching for a solution, just like many of you. As someone with a background in counseling and grief, my first question was whether a person should try and put their thoughts at bay, or attempt to confront the underlying issues in a more effective way.

Interestingly, I think the answer may be both, especially if your ultimate goal is getting a good night's sleep. Below are a few suggestions that I've put together after doing a little reading. You may also wish to read our article Grief and Getting a Good Night's Sleep for a more in-depth discussion on good sleep hygiene.


Examine your stress-level and how you are coping with grief and stress during the day:

Stress is bound to increase the number of problems and worries that keep you awake at night. If you can reduce your stress during the day, theoretically you should feel calmer and more in control at night. To the extent that you can, get rid of unnecessary stressors and then take a look at how you are coping with the stress that remains. Do you set aside time to engage in self-care activities that will boost positive thoughts and emotions? Do you take the time to constructively cope with your own grief? Does it seem like you problem-solving effectively?

Keep in mind, it's important to address both stressors related to day-to-day logistics as well as emotions related to your grief. If you are grappling with rumination, guilt, anxiety, fear, intrusive thoughts, etc that are causing you significant personal distress or impacting your day-to-day functioning, you may want to consider seeing a counselor.


Unwind before bed:

Most sleep experts recommend establishing some type of calming bedtime routine that lasts at least 30 minutes. I know it's hard, but you should turn off all screens. Not only are devices portholes to further stressors (think annoying social media posts, depressing late-night television, and stressful work emails), but the light from these devices can trick your brain into thinking it's daytime and prevent the secretion of your body's natural sleep chemical, melatonin. Instead, opt for calming (and boring) activities like taking a shower or bath, meditation, reading, listening to music, etc.


Say "Not tonight!" to distressing thoughts: 

When you notice yourself starting to ruminate, it may be helpful to stop the cycle in its tracks by distracting yourself. Focus on something boring or mundane like making a meaningless list (ex. boys names that begin with each letter of the alphabet). Sometimes I find it helpful to daydream (at night) and make up fictional stories. Or try distracting yourself from thinking about the past and/or the future is by focusing on the present. For example, try naming 5 things you hear around you and 5 things you feel, then 4 of each, 3...2...1...you get the idea. And if all else fails, go ahead and count those sheep.


Learn relaxation techniques:

We're always quick to recommend easy tools like breathing exercises (focusing on your breathing), progressive muscle relaxation (progressively tensing and relaxing each muscle group from your head down to your toes), meditation, guided imagery, and mantras (repeating a simple word or phrase to focus and calm your mind). I know these may seem new agey to some of you, but they are actually really simple and accessible coping tools.  This is a big topic that begs its own article, but in the meantime check out the following:

UCLA Health has 8 free guided meditations ranging in length from 3 minutes to 19 minutes

Headspace: Headspace is a meditation app that you can also access from your computer. It has paid options, but you can sign up for their free version which walks you through a 10-day introduction. I like the introductory meditations because the incorporate short, engaging videos that explain different meditation techniques.

YouTube: YouTube has a ton of mindfulness and meditation videos. For example, the searches "meditation for sleep" and "progressive muscle relaxation" bring up many different results.


Practice accepting your thoughts:

Sometimes the harder you try to stop thinking about something, the more you wind up thinking about it. In these instances, instead of trying to avoid the thought, you may want to work on changing your relationship with the thought and how you respond to it. Now I'll admit this does take some work, often through things already mentioned like therapy and meditation, but it's a worthwhile effort.

Something you could try include:

  • Remind yourself that these thoughts are a normal part of your grief and/or anxiety and that they can't hurt you.
  • Remember that sometimes thoughts, especially those related to grief, depression, and anxiety, are untrue and irrational and search for evidence that refutes your worst-case scenarios.
  • Try to think of one positive or optimistic thought for every negative
  • Get up and go write about whatever is on your mind in a dimly lit room. Not only do sleep experts recommend you get up and do something like reading and writing when you can't sleep, but people often find that writing helps them to get a handle on their worries.

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We invite you to share your experiences, questions, and resource suggestions with the WYG community in the discussion section below.

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33 Comments on "Nighttime Rumination in Grief"

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  1. Michele  June 21, 2022 at 11:42 am Reply

    My soulmate died in his sleep two months ago. He was only 34. He was my best friend and we were together but not officially dating. We were off and on for a year and a half then the last 7 months were steady just the two of us. He had an ex gf from 3 years ago who would come up every now and then, but I was never worried about her before and know he was loyal to me. However, after he passed I have seen and heard more about her. I start spiraling and create stories in my head with her involved, and I am torturing myself. He was like a father figure to her kids and stayed in their lives even after they broke up, something I didn’t know until after his death. This speaks to his character, but has contributed to me spiraling and creating narratives that feed into my insecurity. I am giving her way too much power and I want her out of my head. She complicates my grieving and I don’t know why I am doing this to myself. If anyone has had a similar experience I’d love to hear from you too. I feel so alone with him gone.

    • Litsa  June 27, 2022 at 7:28 am Reply

      I am so sorry, Michele. Please remember that nothing changes what the two if you had – including his relationship with her. Talking things through with a therapist or counselor might help. And though this seems counterintuitive, it could actually help to talk directly with her. Reaching out just to say that you know she and her kids were an important part of his life and, now that he’s gone, you’ve been thinking a lot about that and would be open talking with her more. Sometimes it is the empty space and unknowns that leave us making up stories. When we fill in the gaps with actual, real information we don’t need to create our own stories.

  2. Michelle  February 21, 2021 at 12:34 pm Reply

    My partner killed himself early morning 30 June 2020. I cried everyday for 5 months, which actually helped me because I cried myself to sleep at night. December, I cried about once a week and that is when the trouble sleeping started. When I close my eyes, I imagine seeing him in the garage, holding the gun to his head, I wonder if his mind was made up to do it or if he was sitting there wondering if he should or shouldn’t do it. I found him seconds after he pulled the trigger and I so wish I called his name before that so that he knew I was awake and waiting for him to come inside the house. I picture myself going in the garage, him still alive, finding him with the gun and stopping him from ending his life, getting him help and never ever taking my eyes off him. I struggle to focus on happy memories, it’s overshadowed by the events of his death. I write notes to him to see if it helps me cope and it does. I recently started breathing exercises and meditation, hopefully that will help me to sleep. I do crossword puzzles to relax and keep my mind busy but night or day, when I close my eyes, it is early morning 30 June 2020.

    • Erika  February 9, 2023 at 11:34 pm Reply

      I am so sorry to hear about your partner and that you were the one to find him seconds after he pulled the trigger. I think your coping mechanisms are brilliant and I will try them for my own coping mechanism for grief and trauma. Here’s hoping your 2022 and 2023 are beautiful and peaceful.

  3. Sarah  November 16, 2020 at 2:37 am Reply

    Nighttime is the only time I can actually get some respite from the ruminations. Sleep is the only time I am at peace. Its the morning when I wake up that it hits me all over again. I cry when brushing my teeth and will ruminate about the what ifs when getting dressed.

    My mum died suddenly from heart failure 6 months ago and I believe her death could had been avoided. The hospital stopped her treatment because they said she couldn’t tolerate the cpap mask for the oxygen therapy they were giving her. So they just stopped it, put her on end of life care with morphine and she died the next day. I cannot get my head around that and partly blame myself because I was the one who called the ambulance. My dad wanted to wait to phone the GP but I panicked and insisted we call the emergency services. The thought goes round and round in my head: “What if I had waited just a few hours before calling the ambulance and the GP may have been able to do something at home to save her”

    I think about this every morning, I cry to my mum saying sorry. My aunt tells me ‘your mum wouldn’t want you to feel like this’ but I cannot help but feel this way. I cannot accept her death because I believe it could have been treated and avoided.

    I have written a complaint to the hospital because she also had covid put on her death certificate and we were told she had tested negative so we’re trying to get that removed.

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    • IsabelleS  November 16, 2020 at 10:59 am Reply

      Sarah, I am so very sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you. I understand how difficult mornings can be… Waking up and realizing it wasn’t all a bad dream is such a terrible feeling. I recommend you check out this article: https://whatsyourgrief.com/why-is-my-grief-worse-in-the-morning/ Remember, you are not alone in your grief. All the best to you.

  4. Mariah Salim  August 12, 2019 at 2:01 am Reply

    I’m so thankful for this article and for everyone sharing their experiences. My mom passed away Aug 1- my sister’s birthday (she and her husband were killed in a plane crash in July 2016). It’s unreal what I’m feeling. My mom was diagnosed with lung cancer in December and she fought really hard and beat the 6 month time frame which is awesome. She was doing so well and then suddenly she started getting so short of breath- it was literally hell. I am a nurse and so every night I’m ruminating over every detail of the hospital and even the few weeks before and blaming myself and being attacked with guilt and anxiety. I know my mom is peaceful and I know she’s with God in Paradise but I miss her here. We were best friends and my heart aches. I want to call her and send her messages and pictures and I can’t. I’ve never been so sad. My work has been very understanding and I’m praying that they will give me just a little more time to connect with a counselor and I’m joining a support group this Wed called griefshare. It’s like I know all the right things to do but for some reason I just haven’t been able to put them into practice- I almost feel like I need someone’s permission to do so, to not take ownership of her death. Cancer is just so cruel and merciless. God, please help me. Please help us all. It’s just so hard but we know that our loved ones don’t want us to be so sad. ♥️

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  5. Cindi  May 16, 2019 at 8:52 am Reply

    I really am having a terrible time. My mom died December 3 2018. It was totally unexpected. She was down to lunch at her retirement home and socializing with her friends until 1:30. She walked back to her room and was on her couch waiting for her afternoon meds and by the time the aid got there at 2:30 she was unresponsive. Every time I tell this story to someone their comment is always “boy that’s the way I want to go”. While I do realize there was no suffering there was also no goodbyes no preparing. I had no closure with mom. We saw each other every week and talked on the phone several times a day. I miss her greatly and I am ruminating about death and how it can happen just that quick.

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  6. Claudette  March 27, 2019 at 8:23 pm Reply

    My husband passed away August, 2018. He suffered from 2 chronic illnesses for 6 1/2 years, then suddenly was diagnosed wit AML, then died 1 month after that.
    The sadness of what happened to him was overwhelming at times in the beginning and I didn’t know how I would make it through the rest of my life without him.
    The hours, days, weeks and now months were emotionally draining, especially at night when I relived so many of the events that occurred during his illness.
    Trying my best to make a new way of living was puzzling and depressing. I finally decided after reading information to try meditation. I’m not an expert at all but it was extra nice when I was outside.
    Next I took steps to start exercising at the gym 1 or 2 times a week, I’ve never been a “gym” person but found it does keep my mind calmer.
    One other thing I’m doing which seems, to me, anyway to have done the most in calming, is to journal my day almost every night. I write it as if I’m telling him what has happened, just like we used to be able to do when he was alive. I make a point of including some moments we had that were Special to us. Even some of those during the bad times of his health experience. This has helped me so much knowing that i have them in the journal and no longer have to chase them around in my head if i dont feel like doing that.
    The dark days are still visiting me and maybe always will, but now it feels like I have made more space for the nicer times we had instead of the deep abyss of shock and pain I felt at the start of this unwanted journey.
    I really believed I would just lose my mind and be lost for the rest of my life, but, somehow I keep putting one foot in front of the other.
    I wish anyone who is in this nightmare change of life the best and hope maybe some of these things will help you too. It’s a long hard road to be without the one you love.

  7. Lynn Sears  January 17, 2019 at 11:52 pm Reply

    I finally found my cure for my night ruminations. I take 2 valyrian root pills and 3 melatonin pills with a glass of white wine. It knocks me out. Then I wake up in the morning needing caffeine. I move slow for a few hours but at least I’m not consumed with guilt, self-blame and my father’s death. I keep hoping that my sleep cocktail will kill me one night. Death really is the only way that I could see myself not feeling this pain. Breathing is a trigger for me and I get to do it when my dad died of acute hypoxia, he couldn’t breathe. That is the absolute worse way to go. Whenever I ruminate, I take my cocktail. It works like a charm. 1-2-3, 1-2-3 drink!

  8. Denise  September 25, 2018 at 6:12 pm Reply

    It just doesn’t get easier, in this article they talk about – altering your thoughts – sorry but that it written by someone who is a counsellor and I should know I was one! However, when it happens to you I can tell you a whole new world comes upon you and NO it doesn’t get easier as time goes on! You can get on with your life (sort of) but you hear a sound, song or smell and it is there. The best advice I got and support I received is I got in touch with a Widow Support Group and just asked the other widows lots of questions and I got so much help, support and advice, it was then I didn’t feel so alone and that I felt what was happening is normal, a fabulous book which I believe every widow needs to read is Widow 2 Widow I only wish I had read it just after David passed away it would have answered so many questions I had and gave me knowledge to know what was ahead. It doesn’t matter if you have a high senior job (Iike me) or work in any kind of job or industry, grief is there I really thought I knew grief when my parents died, but it was and is a whole other story when it is your partner/husband/wife. I am three years into widowhood and the other day I took a bracelet (David gave to me for my 50th birthday) to the jewellers to be fixed. As I was asking what I needed to be fixed to the jeweller he remarked what a beautiful bracelet I had, I started to explain how I got it and then the tears just flowed and flowed, lucky I know this jeweller quite well, I don’t find it embarrassing anymore just part of the grief part of my life.

  9. sandy  September 24, 2018 at 2:09 pm Reply

    my Lydia 23 took her life almost 3 years ago. I found her. she had hung herself. I live with PTSD, anxiety, panic attacks now. life is HELL and I can’t wait until the day i die to be out of this unbearable pain

  10. Sucheta Dasgupta  June 20, 2018 at 12:25 pm Reply

    I feel you Steve and I am sorry. PtSD is just a name. Your wife still lives in your heart. I wish you the best.

  11. Cynthia  March 12, 2018 at 9:06 pm Reply

    It’s been 2 months and I find night time the hardest. For 42 years we slept in in the same bed together till the last month at the hospice . We talked to each other lots every day, I still go through my day thinking I need to tell my husband about that.I am reaching out every night numerous times and he is not on the other side of the bed ?I have started to read at night , it seems to help.i know it will get easier as time goes on , but it’s rough.

  12. Cynthia  March 12, 2018 at 9:06 pm Reply

    It’s been 2 months and I find night time the hardest. For 42 years we slept in in the same bed together till the last month at the hospice . We talked to each other lots every day, I still go through my day thinking I need to tell my husband about that.I am reaching out every night numerous times and he is not on the other side of the bed ?I have started to read at night , it seems to help.i know it will get easier as time goes on , but it’s rough.

  13. Steve Peterson  January 30, 2018 at 3:32 pm Reply

    There is that time in the morning when my body is still tired, but the mind is awake, and grieving thoughts creep in. There is bedtime when I am physically tired, but the mice like to run around inside my skull, and then there is 3:30 AM. At 3:30 AM my wife woke up and sat on the edge of the bed and asked if I would get her some water, and rub her back for a while. She wanted a piece of peppermint candy. She had passed away by 6:00 AM. So for the longest time I had to deal with the 3:30 AM wake-up call. It is funny how the brain or spirit works. I tried to stay up until 1:00 AM or go to bed early at 9:00 PM to break the 3:30 AM wake-up cycle. It didn’t make a difference when I went to bed. At best I would wake up at 3:15 and if really tired, I would wake up at 3:45. When I went to visit relatives I would wake up at 2:30 AM, but they lived in an earlier time zone, so it really was 3:30 AM. Some one said that was my wife’s time to communicate with me, and just go with it, and stop trying to fight for sleep. I had retired, so it wasn’t like I had to be looking sharp and thinking clearly at 8:00 AM. Now this is going to sound crazy: I met someone that was an American Indian and told her the story. She told the tribe medicine man. They had a ceremony, and I found my peace at 3:30 AM. I don’t know anything about the ceremony or the medicine since I couldn’t attend since I am not a Native American. Do I still wake up at 3:30 AM? Yes, it is rare, and I actually welcome it, since I think it is my wife’s way of saying “Hello” and she is watching over me. I am sure some doctors may say I had some PTSD or as the article described some “rumination.” I am retired, but the one thing I do that may be helpful is that I set an alarm and never sleep past 7:15 AM in hopes that keeps my biological clock on schedule.

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  14. Steve Peterson  January 30, 2018 at 3:32 pm Reply

    There is that time in the morning when my body is still tired, but the mind is awake, and grieving thoughts creep in. There is bedtime when I am physically tired, but the mice like to run around inside my skull, and then there is 3:30 AM. At 3:30 AM my wife woke up and sat on the edge of the bed and asked if I would get her some water, and rub her back for a while. She wanted a piece of peppermint candy. She had passed away by 6:00 AM. So for the longest time I had to deal with the 3:30 AM wake-up call. It is funny how the brain or spirit works. I tried to stay up until 1:00 AM or go to bed early at 9:00 PM to break the 3:30 AM wake-up cycle. It didn’t make a difference when I went to bed. At best I would wake up at 3:15 and if really tired, I would wake up at 3:45. When I went to visit relatives I would wake up at 2:30 AM, but they lived in an earlier time zone, so it really was 3:30 AM. Some one said that was my wife’s time to communicate with me, and just go with it, and stop trying to fight for sleep. I had retired, so it wasn’t like I had to be looking sharp and thinking clearly at 8:00 AM. Now this is going to sound crazy: I met someone that was an American Indian and told her the story. She told the tribe medicine man. They had a ceremony, and I found my peace at 3:30 AM. I don’t know anything about the ceremony or the medicine since I couldn’t attend since I am not a Native American. Do I still wake up at 3:30 AM? Yes, it is rare, and I actually welcome it, since I think it is my wife’s way of saying “Hello” and she is watching over me. I am sure some doctors may say I had some PTSD or as the article described some “rumination.” I am retired, but the one thing I do that may be helpful is that I set an alarm and never sleep past 7:15 AM in hopes that keeps my biological clock on schedule.

  15. Vera hamilton  December 14, 2017 at 6:17 pm Reply

    Great article……helps me remember I’m not losing my mind. Lost my only son 3 yrs ago & altho my depression & anxiety attacks are slowly getting better, I can’t stop ruminating during the day but its 10 times worse at nite. I know it will get easier to live with so I just don’t put pressure on myself, & I still have to remind people ( hubby) that grief never goes away & I am forever changed. Sending hugs to all Angel moms….

  16. Vera hamilton  December 14, 2017 at 6:17 pm Reply

    Great article……helps me remember I’m not losing my mind. Lost my only son 3 yrs ago & altho my depression & anxiety attacks are slowly getting better, I can’t stop ruminating during the day but its 10 times worse at nite. I know it will get easier to live with so I just don’t put pressure on myself, & I still have to remind people ( hubby) that grief never goes away & I am forever changed. Sending hugs to all Angel moms….

    • Orla  January 25, 2020 at 5:14 pm Reply

      Thanks Vera. I lost my son & only child 3 months ago. It’s going to be one hell of a journey. I’ve got a great Counsellor and take comfort knowing I’m not alone in here reading the posts.

  17. B.  December 13, 2017 at 7:00 am Reply

    Kathleen, I do think the manner of death makes a difference. I know that I am experiencing complicated grief, because of the way my son died. I think rumination is normal; maybe the professionals don’t really understand that the range of normal is huge. They can pathologize that which is normal.

    Nighttime rumination has stopped bothering me so much, because I think I’ve become deadened to it. I do practice deep breathing exercises and pray. And I’m awake at night worrying about other things more than I am rumination about my son’s loss these days. I’ve also learned that if I have a bad night sleepwise, that the next night I will usually get a good night’s sleep.

    Mandy, I love your way of incorporating a new bedtime routinei (yoga) with an old routine (reading).

  18. B.  December 13, 2017 at 7:00 am Reply

    Kathleen, I do think the manner of death makes a difference. I know that I am experiencing complicated grief, because of the way my son died. I think rumination is normal; maybe the professionals don’t really understand that the range of normal is huge. They can pathologize that which is normal.

    Nighttime rumination has stopped bothering me so much, because I think I’ve become deadened to it. I do practice deep breathing exercises and pray. And I’m awake at night worrying about other things more than I am rumination about my son’s loss these days. I’ve also learned that if I have a bad night sleepwise, that the next night I will usually get a good night’s sleep.

    Mandy, I love your way of incorporating a new bedtime routinei (yoga) with an old routine (reading).

  19. Kathleen  December 12, 2017 at 10:22 pm Reply

    Does it matter the manner of death? Or is the loss and grief the same? Your love for that person lasts
    a lifetime, you don’t forget the grief, the love, the saddest, I never forget, The years go on, good and bad days, nights I cannot sleep. I only cope,.
    Kathleen

    • Eleanor Haley  December 13, 2017 at 8:59 am Reply

      Kathleen, with regards to the manner of death, some deaths can be experienced as traumatic which may lead to prolonged and intensified acute-like grief responses. We’ve written about that here, Grief After Traumatic Loss. I think it’s important to remember that no two people grieve in exactly the same way. Your grief is unique to you and your relationship with the person who died and the ways in which you cope with this loss.

      What you said, that “your love for that person lasts a lifetime” is so true. You will always love the person and so there will always be sadness, but hopefully, you are also able to find comfort in your memories and your continued bond with them. My heart goes out to you.

  20. Kathleen  December 12, 2017 at 10:22 pm Reply

    Does it matter the manner of death? Or is the loss and grief the same? Your love for that person lasts
    a lifetime, you don’t forget the grief, the love, the saddest, I never forget, The years go on, good and bad days, nights I cannot sleep. I only cope,.
    Kathleen

    • Eleanor Haley  December 13, 2017 at 8:59 am Reply

      Kathleen, with regards to the manner of death, some deaths can be experienced as traumatic which may lead to prolonged and intensified acute-like grief responses. We’ve written about that here, Grief After Traumatic Loss. I think it’s important to remember that no two people grieve in exactly the same way. Your grief is unique to you and your relationship with the person who died and the ways in which you cope with this loss.

      What you said, that “your love for that person lasts a lifetime” is so true. You will always love the person and so there will always be sadness, but hopefully, you are also able to find comfort in your memories and your continued bond with them. My heart goes out to you.

  21. Laura  December 12, 2017 at 8:17 pm Reply

    Timely and very helpful article

  22. Laura  December 12, 2017 at 8:17 pm Reply

    Timely and very helpful article

  23. Mandy Stirton  December 12, 2017 at 7:28 pm Reply

    My boyfriend died 2 years ago and the nights are still the hardest. I thought we would be together forever and at night we’d often joke about whether we’d “still be doing “this” (wink wink) when we’re 80…” 🙂 He was my forever guy and at night the missing can become so overwhelming that it feels as if I’m being turned inside out. I have had these night time ruminations of “if only’s” and “what if’s” which have caused so many sleepless nights. But, along with the small loving rituals that I have been doing for well over a year, I have also begun to practice meditation and yoga at night before I sleep. I have also stopped (for the most part) watching tv at night and I go to bed and read instead. So I combine something that we did together (reading before bed) and something new that is just mine alone (yoga) and I find that I’m having more peaceful nights now. And some of this is probably just the passing of time, but I think some of it has been the slow process (2 years….) of integrating new bedtime routines with the old. And I still have sleepless nights sometimes, but it’s less ruminating and more just a dull aching sadness that is the result of the deep, never ending love that we shared.

  24. Mandy Stirton  December 12, 2017 at 7:28 pm Reply

    My boyfriend died 2 years ago and the nights are still the hardest. I thought we would be together forever and at night we’d often joke about whether we’d “still be doing “this” (wink wink) when we’re 80…” 🙂 He was my forever guy and at night the missing can become so overwhelming that it feels as if I’m being turned inside out. I have had these night time ruminations of “if only’s” and “what if’s” which have caused so many sleepless nights. But, along with the small loving rituals that I have been doing for well over a year, I have also begun to practice meditation and yoga at night before I sleep. I have also stopped (for the most part) watching tv at night and I go to bed and read instead. So I combine something that we did together (reading before bed) and something new that is just mine alone (yoga) and I find that I’m having more peaceful nights now. And some of this is probably just the passing of time, but I think some of it has been the slow process (2 years….) of integrating new bedtime routines with the old. And I still have sleepless nights sometimes, but it’s less ruminating and more just a dull aching sadness that is the result of the deep, never ending love that we shared.

    • Mar  September 8, 2019 at 6:25 pm Reply

      I know how you feel. I lost my lover and best friend of 31 years to a traumatic accident a couple of months ago. I’m 67. This is not how I thought my “golden years” would be. I built so much of my life around him. I hope a kitchen cabinet and see the various spices and fixing that I have in there for different type of meals I’d plan to make for him. Who wants to cook for themselves anyhow? May as well toss it all away. I miss his scent. I miss his touch. I think for the rest of my life, I will never feel his hands on me.

  25. Sandy Frankel  December 12, 2017 at 5:09 pm Reply

    Perfect timing-I woke up at 1 am last night, got up, went downstairs, watched a movie and finally fell asleep at 4 am. Tried breathing exercises, you name it. This is a great article.

  26. Sandy Frankel  December 12, 2017 at 5:09 pm Reply

    Perfect timing-I woke up at 1 am last night, got up, went downstairs, watched a movie and finally fell asleep at 4 am. Tried breathing exercises, you name it. This is a great article.

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