The Myth of the Grief Timeline
/ Understanding Grief : Eleanor Haley
For further articles on these topics:
How long does it take to fall in love?
How many seconds pass before a parent loves their newborn child?
How many arguments and rivalries can the bonds of siblinghood withstand?
How many heart-to-hearts and late-night phone calls before you know a friend is true?
These are silly questions, aren’t they? They’re like riddles with no answer. There's no scale to measure love or to quantify the bonds of friendship and family.
It reminds me of one of my favorite lullabies, appropriately titled 'The Riddle'. It's a really simple song that my mother used to sing when I was young. It goes...
I gave my love a cherry that had no stone.
I gave my love a chicken that had no bone.
I told my love a story that had no end
I gave my love a baby, with no cryin’.
How can there be a cherry that has no stone?
How can there be a chicken that has no bone?
Whoever heard a story that never ends?
How can there be a baby with no cryin’?
Well a cherry when it’s bloomin’, it has no stone.
A chicken when it’s pippen', it has no bone.
And the story of 'I love you' will never end.
A baby when it’s sleeping, there’s no cryin’.
“The story of I love you will never end”; what a beautiful lyric. What a true lyric.
Love, connection and caring, these are things that live on; they don’t just end….you know it…I know it…it’s common sense. So why then do we often hear this questions like these?
“How long does grief last? When will it end? When will I be over it?”
If grief is the result of losing someone we love and care for, then there's no logic that can be applied or formula that can be used in determining how long it will last. If you don't believe me, just give it a try.
X = how many years you knew the person
Y= all the ways you loved, needed, relied upon and adored them
5 = stages of grief according to Kubler-Ross
4 = number of grief tasks according to Worden
6 = number of grief processes beginning with the letter ‘R’ according to Rando
8 = number of grief Horcruxes that must be overcome according to our Harry Potter Grief Model
Hang on let me put this all in my calculator….stand by…still computing…okay so according to my calculations it will take approximately 13,824,000 days to get over grief. That’s about 37,873 years. Here’s the good news, if Litsa and I live until 80 then we’ll be here for you for the next 48 of those years give or take. Yikes, that’s not very long. Let’s move on.
The idea of a grief timeline is somewhat of a misnomer. Anyone familiar with grief understands that associated feelings, setbacks, breakthroughs, roadblocks, triggers, and resolutions can occur at unexpected, unpredictable and inexplicable times and durations.
Grief is not a race with a start and finish line, it’s a labyrinth of twists and turns and dead ends. Grief is like trying to swim past the break in the ocean – you wade in but every once in a while a wave comes up and knocks you back a few feet. You're still deeper than when you started, but not as deep as you were before the wave hit.
Grief cannot be mapped on a timeline, although typically its intensity should be negatively correlated with time. This means the more time that passes, the less extreme and agonizing grief feelings should be. There will still be bad days, but overall it’s average intensity will diminish. It looks a little something like this...
So feelings of grief will diminish, but not disappear. Grief is infinitas which means ‘being without finish’. Grief doesn’t end, but with time it should look different; hopefully more peaceful, connected, and positive.
Here are a few small indicators you might be making progress in your grief. I find it important to note, you can take steps forward, yet still grieve your loved one. Just because you return to work, date, or decide to have a child does not mean you won’t continue to grieve the person you lost. The capacity you have to be happy, enjoy life, and love others exists in addition to the love you feel for your deceased loved ones. Because love…love is infinitas.
- You start to feel just a little more 'normal'
- You have more good days than bad
- You experience an increase in energy and motivation
- You remember memories fondly as opposed to experiencing them as grief triggers
- You can constructively think about the loss of your loved one and the impact it's had on your life
- Your sleep patterns return to normal
- You experience feelings of optimism about the future
- Improvement in performance at work
- You're able to focus on personal health and wellbeing
- You feel ready to date again, have more children, and/or make new friends.
- Your relationships feel more functional and healthy
- You feel as though you are 'rejoining the human race'
- You feel ready to get out of the house
- You experience an increase in desire for emotional and physical intimacy
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Jude May 26, 2022 at 4:41 am
I lost my 37 yr old daughter August 14 from Pneumonia. She just dropped dead. The following October 21st my son died. He was 43. He purposely drank himself to death in a state where no one would find him. He was going through a contentious divorce and his sisters death hurt him so much.
Joshua Otieno June 11, 2022 at 2:01 am
I think this website is really creating a line of difference in people with stranded hearts like I am.
Noora Hämäläinen April 22, 2022 at 11:06 am
I lost my best friend in march of 2019. It’s 2022 now and I’m still grieving. I think grief shouldn’t have a timeline, because it’s very subjective. Everyone grieves at their own pace. However I have moved forward on my grief journey. The memories don’t hurt as much most days, but sometimes I will break down from remembering something about her. She was the most important person in my life and there is no replacing her. She was only 19 years old when she died. It feels so weird that I have out lived her. She was a year older than me. We lived together and spent most of our time together. When she died I had support from my sister, but now she says “You should get over it already and move on with your life”. She also told me that death anniversaries, birthdays and holidays should feel like everyday life. I have decided to never reach out for help anymore, because I end up getting hurt. No one seems to understand why I am grieving so long.
Jill Robbins October 1, 2021 at 8:42 am
When my mum died 33 years ago this month, I made a wish that no one would ever have to go through the intense pain I was/am feeling. I am 58 now, the age my mum was when she died, and the age when her mum died too. My life changed dramatically when she died and it’s never been or felt the same since. Should I be grieving as intense as this 33 years later? Everyday I wake is another day without my mum and then just try and get through the day before I can sleep again. But I’m now dreaming about my mum that I spot her somewhere in a shop maybe but then she disappears into a crowd and then I frantically look for her all through the night it seems. Just a few nights ago, I had a dream where she had jumped into a very deep pool and went right under, my mum never learnt to swim. I dived in after her but couldn’t find her anywhere. Also, my mums sister, who I was incredibly close to died recently, now I’m having the same dream about her! That I can’t find her. So distressing, then I have to wake up and try and get ready for work with the remembered dreams in my head. I loved and still love my mum so very much. I’ve never married, never had children and have no desire to have a partner, this is how much it has changed my life. My life plans went out of the window.
Cathy M January 9, 2023 at 1:26 pm
Hi Jill,
I’m so sorry that you lost your dear mom and for how hard it’s been for you.
I have been searching for someone who could understand how I feel after losing my mom. She was everything to me- my best friend, confidante, my world. We spent every day together doing something and I can’t put into words how much I miss her. I don’t feel like I will ever feel that happiness again.
When people ask or mention how long since she passed it truly upsets me because it feels like it’s been mere months.
I’m lost without her.
I share your sadness and grief.
Wendy August 14, 2021 at 7:05 pm
May 24,2021 I lost my only child. My 34 year old son took his life. I’m so overwhelmed with grief. It is the worst pain I have ever been through. Almost six years ago I lost my mom, my best friend, unexpectedly. It hurt too. For a long time. But this seems different. Never even got to see him one last time. Just gone. I feel like I am going crazy.! Is this normal?
Max March 16, 2021 at 10:09 am
I posted on here before about losing my Mother who I was a caregiver for and then went to visit twice a day while she was in a nursing home. She passed last May and I was locked out of the last 3 months of her life. I was able to be with her when she passed and will always be thankful for that. I still stay in touch with and will volunteer in the home as I did when Mom was in there because I still have what I consider to be family there because I knew well 90 percent of the residents. I appreciate what the real families of those in there are still going through as I stay in touch with some and am thankful that things may be easing some. My main reason for posting is that around the first of the year I was starting to feel somewhat better but now as we close in on a year of Moms passing I feel as though I may be regressing a little. Also the house I live in and took care of Mom and still reside in may have to be sold. Any comments would be appreciated. Thanks. Max.
Sandra McCullough February 12, 2022 at 12:43 pm
Dear Max, I am very sorry for your loss. Your Mother had a very caring and dedicated son and she was proud of you. Your kindness and devotion and your deep comprehension of how others may feel, in still caring for the other residents in your Mum’s home, will be much appreciated by many, though not all will communicate this to you, because their minds are also filled with many emotions.
I went out to dinner on Christmas Day. After the meal, the owner went around the tables talking to guests before they left. When she came to my table, I could see the pain in her eyes, so I asked her very gently, what had happened. She told me her Mum had died the previous day. I said to her, I’m very sorry for your loss. We exchanged more conversation and then I said, ‘whilst we are all crying and grieving down here, all your Mum’s loved ones, who have gone on before her, are cheering and waving to see her coming’.
I know, you know and this lady knew the pain of grief. We all experience death in a variety of ways, depending on our culture, religion, customs, etc., but we are all human and I think perhaps, generally we all have similar responses to life’s happenings. We can’t change what happens to us, but there are different ways of thinking and dealing with our situations and pain. It helps me to think as I do. I wanted to offer my words humbly to her and now to you, as a comfort. I have marked every birth day, wedding anniversary, the day my husband died and his funeral day every year and my emotions have gone in a cycle of ‘up and down.
My story briefly. My husband was told he had terminal Cancer when he was 40 years old. My daughter was 11 months old. My daughter was exactly 2 years & 9 months old when he died in January, 1986.
2021 was my first year that I felt more at ease and didn’t cry on anniversary dates. At last, I think I have come to terms with the ending of that most wonderful chapter of my life. In 1998 my Mum died & my sister died shortly after aged 62. A lot of things in quick succession to deal with. Maybe that is why it took me so long to process my loss.
I am sad to hear that the home you shared with your Mum, may have now been sold. My Vicar said to me, just after Mum died, that we carry our loved ones in our hearts, wherever we go.
If you are moving, make sure you have bus or train, doctor’s surgery, food shopping close by. Also that your home is ‘safe on approach’. I had a tree felled, which was very near my front door and obscured the view of the front door, from the street.
I wish you well Max. Go gently and be gentle with yourself. Kind regards Sandra
Chris March 4, 2021 at 9:37 am
Hi!
It has been four and a half years since my darling boyfriend passed. This spring, I am selling the house I owned when I met him. I rented it out in 2008 and moved in with him. We lived together happily and planned to spend our lives together. In 2016, he was diagnosed with stage four melanoma, and lived for two months. I was able to take time off work and cared for him.
I went through what feels like a normal grieving process, with the sadness getting more gentle with time, eventually mixing with gratitude and learning to feel joy. I am surprised at how grief has revisited me with the selling of this house. After he passed, I moved out of our neighborhood, bought a place near my son, and continued to rent it to a sweet family. This morning, I went to see them and say goodbye before they move. They had a watercolor painting of the front porch made as a gift. I cried all the way home, and feel the loss of a life that I loved deeply today. These feelings are unwelcome, but I know that I must allow the sadness in once again.
Anthony Coley July 14, 2020 at 2:14 pm
Hi I live in the United Kingdom I can tell you that grief is universal doesn’t matter where you live what community you live in. I lost my wife of 54 years she was in Hospital for 3 months and because of the damn covid 19 virus I could not visit her hold her hand comfort her in any way. It was only the the last 5 days of her life that I was able to see her. Talking over the phone to her is not quite the same as holding her hand. Her Funeral is next week how do you find the strength to hold it together at the Funeral I can’t talk about her without floods of tears, stress levels sky high, physical pain.
Valerie Hernandez August 30, 2022 at 7:14 pm
Hi Anthony, I’m so sorry for your loss. After reading your comment I can tell how deeply you loved her and still love her. I wanted to tell you that’s it’s okay to cry and what others may view as having a difficult time at her funeral. My father passed away a year ago and I cried at his funeral with my family. I also remember getting choked up when I spoke in front of everyone. It also was difficult for me because my mother was there and I was scared of her. Also, my brother wasn’t able to make it because he’s incarcerated. Be gentle with yourself. It’s easier said than done, but do your best to allow yourself to just be where that’s sobbing, breaking down in another’s arms, etc.
Sending loving kindness to you and your family, Val
Lori Lathrom June 28, 2020 at 11:36 pm
Everybody grieves differently. No one way is right or wrong. No one has the right to judge how you are dealing with your grief. No one has a right to impose a time schedule on you.
All of you who were commenting so hatefully should be ashamed. Did it ever occur to you that the woman who left her husband after 50 weeks, was grieving too? She needed to do what she did to keep herself and her children healthy. You shouldn’t fault her for that.
When my Mom died 19 years ago I was alternately grief stricken, and angry. My emotions were all over the map. I was sure I would never recover. But I have. I have moments where I feel angry, guilty, and sad. But for the most part, I’m ok.
4 years ago my father died after having lived with us for 9 years. I was his sole caregiver. He had been severely injured in an accident, and needed to live with us. Then he got cancer. The last three years of his life were horrendous. But I am so grateful that I was given the chance to really get to know him, and heal our relationship. I held him in my arms as he passed away. And I was calm and at peace for a day or so. Then the reality set in, and I fell in a deep dark well of depression, that I didn’t think I would ever climb out off. A year later I was still inconsolable. I felt like a huge part of me had died. My husband stuck with me through it all, but I would not have blamed him for leaving. Life was hell for awhile. I am chronically depressed anyway, so that didn’t help. I am now on 2 different anti-depressants, and I struggle daily to get out of bed. Some days I have a real struggle just keeping my head above water. I hear a little voice that says, “Your kids are grown, your grandchildren don’t need you, and your parents are dead. You no longer have a purpose.” But I rebuke it and tell it to piss off. Then I find something creative to do, or something nice to do for someone else. That always picks me back up.
But I will always miss my Daddy.
Rachael June 10, 2020 at 8:35 pm
I lost my Dad on 26th January this year to cancer. I know it hasn’t been that long really. I try to keep busy. I was back at work about 7 weeks later. It’s so painful. I miss him so much. I can’t talk about him being gone without crying. I don’t like crying in front of others so I haven’t talked about him being gone. I can feel it building up- the pressure. I’ve had counselling sessions. My counsellor is encouraging me to try and speak to people about how I’m feeling. That maybe once I’ve done it the pressure will lessen and might be able to talk about him without crying. I plucked up the courage and text my Mam and asked if we could talk about Dad when I see her at the weekend. She said yes. We won’t be able to hug because of Covid-19 but I’m hoping talking to her might help. She’s getting older now and I’m scared of losing her. I don’t think I could cope if I lost her too. I know it will happen one day, but I hope it’s not for many years to come.
Sending love and understanding to all of you experiencing pain and loss.
Lynlee October 10, 2020 at 10:21 am
Lost my husband yesterday. Unexpected. Never saw it coming. I don’t think I feel anything yet. Walking around in a fog. My only thought is that I have to be with him. I need to take this journey with him. I don’t want to be left here without him. He was the center of my world and now he is gone. Life has no meaning and the colors are gone. I want to go with my best friend and love of my life. I can’t stay here.
IsabelleS October 10, 2020 at 2:01 pm
Hi Lynlee, I am so very sorry for your loss and for this immense pain you are feeling. Please know that my heart goes out to you. I want you to know that you are so strong, stronger than you can even imagine. If you are thinking of hurting yourself, or even if you just need someone to talk with, please call the National Suicide Helpline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit their website where you can do a live online chat https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Jane December 6, 2020 at 5:41 pm
Lynlee,
Honey, I am so, very, sorry. I too lost the love of my life, unexpectedly, suddenly. It’s been a year for me. You can live through…well, with this. It’s not easy and I could not do it without my God, He is my strength. I encourage you, is there any one thing that will help even a little?
Jackie October 28, 2019 at 4:32 pm
My grief over the loss of my lifelong partner overshadows everything and will do for the rest of my life. The separation after 47 years is the worst thing that could ever happen to me.
Toby Garbutt June 2, 2019 at 4:40 pm
Hi I am 13 and this has really helped me. I lost my great gran (101) eight days ago and my gran (88) four days ago. My great great aunt (90) was also been admitted to hospital two days ago after she collapsed. So I have obviously been grieving major time and at one point was actually asking if I wanted to live on but this page has shown me that I can get through this and remember the happy memories. Thank you.
Christina's Favella May 29, 2019 at 6:47 pm
Today is May 28 Mark’s 9 years since I lost my Husband of 40 years.there are still tears I Miss Him So Much. I just turned 68 my bday is May 26 That’s why I’m hurting but I have too get past the Days Am I wrong to grieve this Long.Thanks For Listening.
Charlene J. May 24, 2019 at 10:11 pm
I’m curious…. Those of you who say: you cannot and/or will never get past your grief — are you aware of how “your grief” affects the rest of your family? Your wife or husband? Your kids?
After 50 months of living with a man who could not get past the loss of his mother, I finally left our marriage. For me, it was like living with a stranger. I’d tell myself: maybe if I were more understanding. More loving. More kind. More independent, More something… The truth is, we no longer had a life together. I saw no light at the end of the tunnel because he continued to wallow in his grief with no sign of recovery along with an: “I will never get past this” attitude, as some of you have expressed. I begged him to seek counseling, group therapy or ministry advise or support. He remained paralyzed with grief
He had a wife and children who adored him, but he no longer saw us… Apparently, we weren’t enough because for over 4 years he remained removed, depressed, and grief-stricken. I realized I was powerless over this. I had no idea if he would ever find happiness again and if so, how long would it take? Four more years maybe? 10 more years? Never?
I left my marriage to keep my own sanity in tact and to offered our children the ability to express themselves with joy and happiness.
Gski June 23, 2019 at 10:59 pm
Clearly your mother is still alive. I’m not sure why you even posted on this blog??
50 months…wow you’re a winner
Kathy September 8, 2019 at 1:43 pm
Someone this self-centered will not grieve, regardless of who she loses! Her comments make it abundantly clear, it’s all about her!!
Nora Tomlinson October 31, 2019 at 10:22 am
My goodness…perhaps he grieved so long was because his mother loved him more than you apparently do. Sorry to be harsh, but you sound like you’re upset that he loved his mother so much, as if it’s a competition. Either you’ve never experienced close loss or you focus on yourself.
J December 13, 2019 at 12:35 am
Wow, “wallow in his grief” strong words !
I can understand how you felt for yourself and children.
I lost my lifelong partner and have nobody .
I don’t wallow in my grief but nothing matters to me now. My mother and father are both dead but losing them was nothing like losing my partner.
Every day is horrendous.
Angel January 15, 2019 at 11:42 pm
Why should you be “making progress in your grief”?
Grief is the expression of loss, and loss is permanent.
I will never forgive or forget the cruelty of this world for bringing that beautiful person into this world and then taking her away so brutally.
Sandra Davis-Thomas January 7, 2019 at 5:37 pm
I will never stop grieving the death of my father, nor do I want to, ever.
Lula Sessoms October 23, 2022 at 8:09 pm
I am new to this and I am so grateful for your feelings. My husband of 66 years moved to his new home 19/15 /22. I had never lived alone before. God, me and the 4 walls is sharing the house together now. He was not happy with life because he could no longer enjoy the life as he knew and enjoyed. I am sad for me but happy for in his new home. He no longer has to deal with pain and unhappiness here. I will continue to live life with as much happiness as possible because we did not come into the world together and we did not leave together. I was left for a purpose and I have to figure that out. Stay strong everyone and share your life with others because we need each other in this world.
Gem August 18, 2018 at 11:06 pm
I was wondering why no one mentioned the shortness of breath and chest tightness I feel. My throat schedule. I feel closed in and I have to have the window on and the fan blowing on me. All I want is to know this grief will end. I hate reading that it won’t. As I walked my dog today ( feeling quite week and teary) I realized only one person had ever told me about it and it was my father whose death I am mourning. He told me the story if coming home after ww2 to the room he shared with his brother who was Killed and how for months he couldn’t breath when he went outside. That was a confort he offered me as he lived to be 96 and had a model Life. I am so sad which he would have hated. I fear my ability to do this the many ( likely) times I will face it in the future.
Bethany August 12, 2018 at 2:48 pm
There is no closure for me. I lost my 23 year old son to cancer 9 years ago and I liken it to being stuck in a prison for the rest of your life. You never get away from it and it is always there. I have much better days than I did for the first 4 years after it happened, but the pain, the heartache that my son is gone will never go away. I can accept his passing, but I can’t accept the fact that I have not seen him for 9 years An oxymoron I suppose. I have to learn to live with it, not “get over it” but I don’t know if I ever will or can.
J R Saunders August 8, 2018 at 3:30 pm
My love for my wife will never end. So why should my grief? It’s part of life and loving……My grief will end on the day I die.
Mike January 23, 2020 at 8:41 am
That’s just how I feel after losing my wife to the dreaded cancer after 51 years. I’ll never stop grieving and loving.
Lisa K Tolmosoff August 8, 2018 at 3:29 pm
My 28 year old son died ever toxic mixture of over the counter and alcoholic drinks. He had been in a lot of pain in his neck and not been able to sleep so he was taking different things trying to get to sleep. That was two years and 9 months ago. I’ve laughed, I have loved, I have a new grandson named after him. I sang, I can dance, but this week and no Rhyme or Reason for me to have particularly tough time with grief right now I want my baby back. My younger son is all that’s left and I shouldn’t be such a burden to him but I cannot help it. And I know I’m not going to be in this world very much longer probably not as long as I could have been if Mike still lived, but the desire to go on I think is important in life and I do believe you can die of a broken heart or die of grief. And that is the way I will go. And not soon enough. I have visions of him lying in his bed trying to get some help. I have visions of the seizures he had. He was right through the wall from me why couldn’t I hear him struggle to breathe? And why did I wait so long to check on him? Maybe I would have caught him in time to save his life if I hadn’t waited so long but boy if you would wake him up it would be like waking up an Angry Bear. So this article came at a good time for me because I am proof you can take two steps forward and five steps backwards. And I think I’m going to be doing that grief dance the rest of my life.
Monica Golden May 1, 2018 at 8:41 am
I am bipolar with chronic depression. Myalso bipolar sister who is 11 months older than me and my rock in life, killed herself 3 weeks ago. we lost our mom at 29 to drunk drivers and my dad dying of cancer. She was the only person that knew our grief in the world and wewere bonded by it. We talked on facetime every day for up to 5 hours a day. I’m am absolutely paralyzed by my sadness, , lonliness, fear, pain. She was gonna be moving down to VA where I live this month. I have colon cancer n she was gonna be my caretaker. So I cancelled my colon cancer surgery so it ends my life and my pain. I see no future without her. The week prior my 14 year old pug passed away, the week before that my cat was found dead in my neighbors yard and the month before that my 2nd 14 year old pug passed. I have lost all my love sources. It terrifies me because being bipolar that puts you in a deep dark place of fear. My house is no longer my home. It’s lifeless. I have no support team cuz I have just one friend and her life is really busy. It seems that Noone case what I’m going through. I don’t think my grief of my sister will ever end because we had so many plans for future with her living by me for the first time since we were adults. I’m 56 she was 57. I cry and scream all day long everyday. I’m stuck in he’ll and the flames keep burning down the ladder I need to climb out of this horror I’m in. I can’t eat, sleep and my days are long n lonely. I cannot see a light anywhere in sight. I want her back so I can fix the problems she had so she didn’t kill herself. I don’t know why. We discussed everything. Whenever I was feeling suicidal she would lecture me on it and how wrong that would be. So how come she was allowed to? If I would have known she was thinking that way I would have moved heaven n earth to make things better for her. I’m just sad and lost and feel like it will be that way forever. I too want to kill myself too, but I’m afraid. Noone knows my pain and lonliness now. And that just sucks. I hate how hard life is for me.
Monica Golden May 1, 2018 at 8:41 am
I am bipolar with chronic depression. Myalso bipolar sister who is 11 months older than me and my rock in life, killed herself 3 weeks ago. we lost our mom at 29 to drunk drivers and my dad dying of cancer. She was the only person that knew our grief in the world and wewere bonded by it. We talked on facetime every day for up to 5 hours a day. I’m am absolutely paralyzed by my sadness, , lonliness, fear, pain. She was gonna be moving down to VA where I live this month. I have colon cancer n she was gonna be my caretaker. So I cancelled my colon cancer surgery so it ends my life and my pain. I see no future without her. The week prior my 14 year old pug passed away, the week before that my cat was found dead in my neighbors yard and the month before that my 2nd 14 year old pug passed. I have lost all my love sources. It terrifies me because being bipolar that puts you in a deep dark place of fear. My house is no longer my home. It’s lifeless. I have no support team cuz I have just one friend and her life is really busy. It seems that Noone case what I’m going through. I don’t think my grief of my sister will ever end because we had so many plans for future with her living by me for the first time since we were adults. I’m 56 she was 57. I cry and scream all day long everyday. I’m stuck in he’ll and the flames keep burning down the ladder I need to climb out of this horror I’m in. I can’t eat, sleep and my days are long n lonely. I cannot see a light anywhere in sight. I want her back so I can fix the problems she had so she didn’t kill herself. I don’t know why. We discussed everything. Whenever I was feeling suicidal she would lecture me on it and how wrong that would be. So how come she was allowed to? If I would have known she was thinking that way I would have moved heaven n earth to make things better for her. I’m just sad and lost and feel like it will be that way forever. I too want to kill myself too, but I’m afraid. Noone knows my pain and lonliness now. And that just sucks. I hate how hard life is for me.
Kathy July 24, 2019 at 10:17 am
Monica, I am so very sorry for your pain and loss.
sandy April 21, 2018 at 11:02 am
my Lydia 23 took her life on January 20 2016. I found her. I will grieve forever and will not be out of this unbearable pain until the day I die
sandy April 21, 2018 at 11:02 am
my Lydia 23 took her life on January 20 2016. I found her. I will grieve forever and will not be out of this unbearable pain until the day I die
Stella April 14, 2020 at 9:33 am
I lost my daughter 2½ years ago, nothing can compare to losing a child, I don’t care how close you were to your parents or how good of a relationship you had with your spouse. This is a whole different level of pain! Hang in there.
Rob November 21, 2016 at 2:47 am
I appreciate your post on grieving, I have many things in life that I grieve for, and feel loss for, from early childhood to more recent times. I also have bipolar disorder and emotions are at the forefront of my existence. Nothing can replace the loss we experience, though as you said, in time it become less intense. Unfortunately my mental condition tends to get in the way of acceptance of loss, and not just loss of loved ones, but loss of pets, and my way in life. I enjoyed reading your tips, and I am learning through counselling, tides come in and tides go out, just like emotions.
Neeki November 4, 2016 at 7:28 pm
In Chinese medicine, the heart is considered the mind. This article is so true about the progress or procession of moving through the grief process and always having a piece of that person with you for YOUR lifetime. It’s not the procession of moving through the grief process that’s the problem. It’s the getting stuck and not moving forward. In Chinese acupuncture they even have several specific protocols for people that become stuck as if the person died yesterday when it’s been 20 years or more.
My spiritual belief system is that we are here for three distinct purposes that we can take with us into the next life: our association with others, what we have learned while we were here, and our emotional growth. If in fact these are the purpose of life then it reflects that we would grieve our association with others, human or otherwise. But it’s OUR journey to grow emotionally through this separation. Sure they still exist even though they are not physically with us. I believe they are with us energetically. I believe that is part of why we have chakras and acupuncture points and channels and auras – so we can communicate with our higher power and those that have passed that are now energy beings.
In my journey, after a year of grieving like they died yesterday, I finally had to face the realization that this was no longer healthy grieving. I painfully took all the photos down and placed them out of sight so I did not have a constant reminder that kept my heart (mind) bloody and unhealed. This very ceremony was profoundly difficult and incredibly liberating. After two years of changing the false belief systems in my head to more positive and hopeful thought patterns, such as I have my association with them energetically and they quide and protect me and they want me to advance emotionally in this world, to find a good balance of love and happiness without them physically in this world with me – I now have their photos, just one or two photos, enough to bring me a pang of bittersweet joy when I see them on display. It’s a journey and I really don’t want to have to learn this lesson yet again so I’m hoping I can be productive in growing emotionally through this so I don’t have to do it again and so I don’t become stuck. That’s my journey and I’m sticking to it!
Wendy October 30, 2018 at 10:48 pm
I love your journey and would love too thank you for the positive look ahead.
Love, Heartboken Mom
Vicki April 20, 2016 at 6:26 pm
If it’s “without finish,” why are they always using that word ‘Closure’ especially with people who lost their loved ones to homicide?
I secretly can’t stand the word and I didn’t feel anything even remotely like whatever closure is until they found AND dispatched Osama bin Laden, one of the “people” responsible for planning the operation that killed one of my loved ones along with thousands of other families’ loved ones.
I didn’t believe bin Laden’s continued existence was going to help the world. In fact they found evidence in his hide-out of him planning another situation like September 11. He wanted to do another one on the tenth “anniversary.”
They published that fact in the news but since they only did it once, compared to the repeated times they talked of other things, most people don’t even remember it. But I was relieved to hear he couldn’t harm anyone else instead of being sorry that a so-called “fellow human being” had died. Some people mentioned it. I couldn’t feel for him when I made the effort to do so. I didn’t feel happy he was dead, just relieved and I never felt like celebrating it bc I don’t believe in doing that with ANY death, not even ones that happen by execution.
People told me I should’ve been over it 2 years later – when I could barely feel any emotions in relation to what had happened. Then when I got mostly through the part of losing my daughter’s dad, by finding another relationship, I wonder all the time if I’m being callous because I found another person I’m interested in. So even when you do feel like you’re moving forward you wonder if it’s even right to do it.
Valerie Nemeth January 29, 2018 at 10:32 pm
Wondered if you were better off as a Murrah Building bombing victim’s loved one for Bill Clinton at least made OUTRAGED VOWS to the effect that JUSTICE WILL BE CERTAIN, SWIFT AND SEVERE in that case.
Terri Welborn April 18, 2016 at 10:36 pm
Thank you for the info. It has been 2 1/2 months since my husband died and I am in the middle of your list of things. I feel like I am making progress. I feel guilty “moving on” though. It feels wrong. I went through a similar thing 27 years ago when my son died. I did not have the support that I have now. I am thankful for your website. It is helping me put things in perspective. Like you said, there are good days and then there are bad days. And then there are the days when that wave hits. I know I need to take care of myself but I feel so guilty doing things that make me happy or doing things that he didn’t want me/allow me to do that I really want to do. (I resented him for that). I am struggling with “living again” part.
Julie April 18, 2016 at 1:45 pm
This beautiful post came at just the right time for me, thank you for your warm, comforting, empathetic words, it’s four months today that my lovely Mum so suddenly left us….the jumble of emotions all you mentions, the set backs, the waves that have pushed me down and over you I’ve so so been there, but also seeing little glimmers of joy and feeling more me too, grief’s a bumpy journey, reading this makes me realise I’m doing ok. Thank you What’s Your Grief, so nice to know you’re there xx
Deen June 6, 2014 at 6:54 pm
Thanks for bringing back the memory Eleanor. I vividly remember the song growing up.
Christine Branden June 5, 2014 at 9:45 pm
I grew up with that song and never really paid attention to the lyrics. Beautiful, beautiful!
I am getting better after what seems an eternity of the deepest sorrow I’ve ever experienced in my lifetime. It’s reassuring to know that whatever you’re feeling, it’s right for you. I was very confused, for about 4 months, about this grief and grieving. My brain was befuddled. Thankfully time does help and the awful memories are slowly being replaced by many fond and fun memories. Whew! Grieving is exhausting!