Grieving the Loss of Hopes and Dreams

Understanding Grief / Understanding Grief : Eleanor Haley



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I just realized my birthday is tomorrow. Seriously, I totally forgot. Although I’m always bad with dates, truthfully I think this is more the product of selective inattention. I know bemoaning your birthday is so cliché, but I’ve been wishing that time would slow down for, like, 8 years now.

worry troll

The passage of time has been especially bothersome to me lately. I’ll be standing in line at the grocery store and out of the blue feel like the guy in front of me buying boxer briefs just turned around and punched me in the gut. Then I’ll realize it was just a jab from a little worry-troll come to remind me that I’m getting old, my kids are growing up, and someday (who knows when) I’m going to die.

I want to be clear, my anxiety doesn’t stem from a fear of wrinkles or other vanities (although I’m certainly not above them), nor is it directly related to death (although I certainly am afraid of it). What stirs me most these days is the feeling that I’m running out of time to fully become the person I want to be and to live the life I always assumed I would.

With age, I grow wearier and my load grows heavier. Decisions have to be made about what I can carry forward and what I should leave behind. Although intentions for the future, hopes, and dreams are usually worthwhile freight, at some point most will either become actualized, reach a point of futility, or become an impossibility. I understood this truth the day I gave up hope that my mother would survive cancer, and I understood it again when I had my first daughter and saw that the dream of her being cradled in her grandmother's arms was an impossibility.

Hopes and dreams get snatched away from people due to things like death, age, infertility, injury, poverty, and chronic illness all the time. Sometimes the hands people are dealt seem so random and when things have gone terribly awry, it's often easier to feel cheated, bitter, sad, or angry than it is to accept and rebuild.

The loss of hopes and dreams are true losses that need to be grieved. Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg and author of the book Option B, said in a letter written shortly after the unexpected death of her husband, Dave Goldberg,

“Dave, to honor your memory and raise your children as they deserve to be raised, I promise to do all I can to kick the shit out of option B. And even though sheloshim has ended, I still mourn for option A. I will always mourn for option A.”

When I first read this statement what struck me most was the strength with which she promised to try and embrace option B. I think these words inspired many people and so I’m grateful she shared them, but I'm most interested in what she said next.

She goes onto say that she will always mourn for option A. Option A is where the sorrow lives and it carries the weight of the hopes and dreams she and her children lost when her husband died. There is bravery in her promise to “do all [she] can” to see option B through, but her words are hardly a battle cry. Her statement is humble and acknowledges she may have limitations, I suspect because dealing with the loss of option A is really damn hard.

FB

Regardless of the scenario, the loss of hopes and dreams can be incredibly hard to accept and cope with. These losses aren’t just felt at one time in a person’s life; true to grief-form, they pop up as milestones, reminders, birthdays, important events, regrets, and emptiness forever. I think the magnitude of this can be hard to recognize when looking at it from the outside in and I think those who experience the losses are often surprised by how hard “acceptance” is.

When we care deeply about something, it can be difficult to know when to let go. Sometimes our hopes are all we have to keep us getting out of bed in the morning. People always like to say things like, “It’s never too late to follow your dreams” and many times this is true. When there’s a chance to see your dreams through or there is still joy in the journey, by all means, keep going.

The reality is, though, that some dreams will eventually be impossible and when our hopes for the future are truly futile, we have choices to make. We could hold on tight and keep carrying our hopes and dreams forward, but such a heavy and hollow load limits our capacity to find other more fulfilling alternatives. We could drop everything and walk around angry and bitter, but this distracts us from finding joy in the things we do have and leaves our arms empty. Or finally, we could find ways to grieve our losses and someday, if we’re lucky, we’ll gain enough peace and acceptance to embrace our option B.

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65 Comments on "Grieving the Loss of Hopes and Dreams"

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  1. Sherryk  July 8, 2023 at 12:19 pm Reply

    Loss of a dream. I didn’t really know I had any dreams for my life. I’m 59 years old. At 54, I started therapy. I knew my family of origin had some affects on me. Like I wasn’t going to constantly scrape by like my parents did. I wasn’t going to marry a rager like my dad. I wasn’t going to enable like my mom. But, I really had no idea of the trauma I was dealing with. Not until my then 22 year old daughter decided to make choices that made no sense to me. Why would she choose to not use her engineering degree? Why would she choose to move to another state with a guy without any sort of commitment and in and on! I felt like she had kicked me in the gut. It’s still happening today as she’s moved overseas to, this time, get married. It’s all complicated, but the last 3 weeks have shown me that the dream of the family I wanted is gone. I had no idea I had that dream until about 18 months ago. It was to have a family that did normal things. To have a daughter that did normal things. For me, the inner child is devastated. It’s very hard to feel with this loss because most people don’t see it as as “loss”. Even my husband has a hard time with my grief related to this. I now have a very difficult choice to make. I’ve been accepted into a master’s program. If I choose to pursue it, it will significantly limit how much I can go overseas to visit my daughter. If I don’t, then it means I’ve totally forfeited myself. I’ve done too much of that already. Either choice seems to bring more grief. Thanks for having this space.

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  2. Carol  October 28, 2022 at 7:51 pm Reply

    I feel let down by medical staff. I was diagnosed with endometrial cancer in late 2020, had the operation with “everything removed”, and was told that I would have a better chance of a ‘full cure” if I underwent radiation and chemotherapy treatments. This was my first major operation, and I was alone. No family, and did not want to involve friends. The resulting treatments have wrecked my body. I now have incontinence issues, and neuropathy in my feet, which makes it painful to walk and causes balance problems. Two years later, I now have recurrent cancer. It here are multiple tumours in both lungs, and I have been given a terminal diagnosis. I am 12 months away from retirement age. The oncologist said “that this will considerably shorten my lifespan”. Without actually saying how long that she was thinking. My mother lived to 97, does this mean I could make it to 80? Or only another 12 months? 5 years? 10? Who knows? I am in shock, and denial. I have been given hormonal medication to “slow the rate of tumour growth”, as further chemotherapy or radiation is considered not suitable for me.
    I have been exploring other avenues e.g. anti-cancer diets and use of sound frequency to “kill cancer cells in the body”.
    But it is so very hard, not knowing if what you are doing is working. I am hoping for a miracle, but it didn’t happen last time. The oncologist admitted she was surprised that the cancer reappeared so soon after treatment.
    Now I am just wondering if I am deluding myself thinking I can cure myself without medical treatment. My thoughts are confused and unfocused. I find it hard to make decisions and set goals for the future. What is the point? I find I am in a fantasy state most days, dreaming of the life I could have had, but knowing it will never happen.
    I drop in and out of depression, some days are better than others, but I find life is just drifting by one unfulfilled day after another. I have nothing to look forward to, lost the joy of life years ago, and have never really experienced what it is to be happy.
    Any suggestions?

  3. Tasha  September 25, 2022 at 12:54 am Reply

    I dropped out of dental school in 2018 because I couldn’t afford a place to live after my savings had to be spent before I got a loan with refunds. I had to live 2 hours away from school and that took a mental toll on me on top of living somewhere I never felt welcomed. I’ve tried 4 times to get back into a school close to home but was waitlisted everytime with many follow up efforts. I decided to explore other options in the field on my 3rd attempt and re apply to the school close to home and was waitlisted again. I decided to continue in the plan b field and I’ve grown to let go of dental school to the point where I no longer see myself there.

    Fast forward to today, I still feel very much depressed an unfulfilled because my body hurts from the profession I’m in and I don’t know what to get a masters in that I’m passionate or care to rack up loans on.

    I got engaged this year but the prospect of having kids scares me because i did therapy for my depression but I feel like it’s only a matter of time before I slide and I don’t feel like im fit to be a mom much less a wife. Sometimes living makes me so sad but im a coward and religious and I could never take my own life.

    Getting up for work is hard but once I’m there im fine. When I get back home im back to being depressed. I try to keep myself busy with side hustles like babysitting but I feel so exhausted working over full time and then doing that.

    I honestly just don’t know what to do. I have these thoughts and moods often. Luckily they go but unfortunately they come back a bit too often

  4. Jen  September 1, 2022 at 11:13 pm Reply

    So what am I supposed to do when I never even had a plan B?

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    • Litsa  September 5, 2022 at 10:14 am Reply

      Begin the slow process of creating one now, hard as that is… a therapist can be a big help with this. Consider who in your life have been a source of support and connection- past or present – and reach out to them. Consider the values that mean something to you and places that you’ve felt connected to. Consider what brings you feelings of meaning, contentment, or accomplishment- if not recently, then in the past. And then slowly start reconnecting with them. Even if you don’t have motivation or want to, just to see how it feels. Just to start somewhere.

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  5. Sammy  June 30, 2022 at 9:42 am Reply

    I’m nearing 40 and have recently had what I consider a mid life crisis. No area of my life has turned out well, despite trying my best and doing all of the ‘right’ things. I had a string of not-great things happen that have prevented me from doing a lot of the normal things that other people my age were doing. At the same time, I got a bit jaded watching people who did all of the wrong things get rewarded for it and constantly surpass me in everything.

    For a while the depression was debilitating and I had a mental breakdown after meeting yet another husband-that-would-never-be and having my dreams of a marriage, home, family, etc crushed yet again. I’ve always been quite good at brushing myself off and jumping back into the ring. But this time really hit hard. I think due to my older age and the fact that he really did did tick every single box. So the loss was much bigger.

    I’ve had to really analyse what I need versus want in life. I didn’t realise I even had a plan in my head about how things would turn out. But I’ve had a set of milestones at the back of my mind since childhood about what I wanted and expected to achieve by certain ages. Some of those things were negotiable and I can accept them potentially never coming true.

    The non-negotiables are the hardest. For me, that was marriage, home, family. I had no stability or emotional security growing up, so it was very important to me to find that as an adult. But it’s never happened.

    I also had to accept that my values about love, loyalty, respect, hard work, etc are not shared by everyone. The men I’ve loved didn’t care about anything over appearance. Everything else was a nice extra. They chose to build lives with women that cheated on them, married for money and treated them badly. It confused me for a long time and I began to assume I must be the most ugly, stupid, worthless human on the planet if men preferred that over me. That took me on a path of learning about attachment disorders (both mine as desperately seeking security and theirs as seeking abuse and drama). I wish I had learned those things earlier in life, as prehaps I wouldn’t have had such high expectation of finding a partner. But it is what it is.

    Weirdly, I’ve learned to compromise with my brain by pretending that I am 27 rather than 37. That’s where my mind thinks I am in terms of ‘the plan’ and the progress I’ve made so far. I obviously know that I can’t literally roll back time and physically be 27 again. However, acting as if I am that age for all intents and purposes has taken away a lot of the panic I felt about being my actual age and not having the life I need.

    I’ve also decided to re-experience some of the events that I missed out on. I never got to graduate, never celebrated my 30th birthday (or any, for that matter), never got to travel with friends, never got to drive, etc. I’ve written a list of everything that I’ve missed out on and I’m planning to re-live all of those years again the way that I need to in order to satisfy ‘the plan’ in my brain. And yes, I fully appreciate how ridiculous that sounds! But so far it’s working. There’s a lot of ‘filler’ I can cut out (hours spent commuting to work, sleeping, housework, etc) so I can realistically condense several years into a couple.

    So from New Year’s Day 2023 to New Year’s Eve 2024, I’m going to be 27, 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36, 37, 38 and catch up to my 39th birthday. It may or may not work. I’ll try to remember to come back and let you all know how it turns out!

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    • BC  October 3, 2022 at 3:09 am Reply

      Wow Sammy. You’re comment really affected me. I too had an unstable, scary childhood that left me desperate. I wanted to create a stable dream family of my own. I failed twice. On the 3rd try, at age 32, I found a woman and raised 4 children and realized about 80% of my dreams in those relationships. I will say it was very difficult since I didn’t have good communication skills and I was always afraid of being abandoned. But I gave what I had.
      I pray you enjoy seeking all you’ve missed, and that somewhere in your exploration, you find what you need.
      My grief comes from another place. For 40 years I dreamed of being a published poet. Of those 40 years I worked hard at my dream for 10-12 years. The rest of the time I dabbled between my responsibilities, knowing I’d get back to it when I could.
      Most of my poems got rejected. I did publish a few, so in theory I achieved my goal. Right? Not really. Over the last 2 years I’ve written what I feel is my best work. Its met 100% rejection at small and large magazines. My grief is realizing I’m never going to be Ted Hughes or Lawrence Ferlingetti or Gary Snyder. No one wiil be moved by reading a book of my poems-as I was moved by reading other poets work-because I’ll never have a book published.
      This was my big dream. I kept it close to my heart as I toughed out jobs I didn’t like, and shouldered my responsibilities. My dream was always there. One day, i’d compose sizzling lines that people understood were special. Instead, I found no matter how hard I worked and practiced, I don’t have what it takes to run with the pros.
      So now what? I’m lost. Nothing matters much anymore. I’m sliding through my days. Other hobbies I loved have become chores. I see failure and not much else. I sacrificed time, money, and lifes limited energy on something that will never happen. Like in Steeley Dan’s “Deacon Blues” . . . “They got a name for the winners in the world/And I want a name when I lose.”
      What is my name? How can I heal? Or will I die with a hole that can never be filled. Will I be nameless? Will I be smoke?

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  6. Nerea  March 30, 2022 at 7:30 pm Reply

    Wow, this is exactly how I feel. I keep on hoping for things to change, I try doing this or that for things to change. I married my husband because I got pregnant and being from the old-fashioned family I thought that was the right thing to do. But I was never really in love with him we were so different. Had two more children try to make things work but I always feel that I’m so alone we are so different. He is a good person but he doesn’t complete me.

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  7. George  February 27, 2021 at 10:31 am Reply

    We will not give up on our dreams people as long as we are breading and alive in this world we most and will accomplish our mission befor we leave this earth for the soul purpose of our existence in the first place. (We are all here for a reason) its time to shine baby. I speak for my self also . God is beautiful

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  8. Leyah  January 13, 2021 at 3:34 pm Reply

    Hi I’m still really young but also have sad news….well it’s pretty sad to me😪when I was a month old my dad left me and my mom……..when I was 3 she got married to my stepdad and everything was ok…..I used to visit my dad on the December holidays but I really miss him…….and he has a kidney disease,only has one kidney and no one can donate a kidney to him
    I’m really scared that he might die
    I live with my mom and family and since grade three I wanted to to gymnastics …my hopes went higher and higher when each year went pass
    She kept on rejected all the sports I wanted to do since grade 4 like soccer,athletics,high jump,long jump ,shotput and now gymnastics she told me I can’t do gymnastics and I’m really sad she is always discouraging me and not letting me do the things I love I’m only 12 going to grade 7 this year and I need advice …plz help

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    • IsabelleS  January 15, 2021 at 11:56 am Reply

      Leyah, I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this! Have you tried asking your mother why she doesn’t want you to get involved in gymnastics? All the best to you.

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    • Michelle  July 3, 2021 at 6:02 am Reply

      Hey Leyah, I can see why you feel stuck – you don’t want to go against your mom but she’s stopping you from doing something that might make you really happy. My guess is there’s an underlying fear. Maybe try asking her what scares her about you doing gymnastics, or what she is worried will happen if you do gymnastics. If it’s a money thing the school might offer scholarships. Lots of love to you and good luck.

  9. Inga Carey  December 31, 2020 at 3:35 pm Reply

    You articulated my own feelings so well. I cried with every sentence of this blog because you understood my feelings so well. Thank you for understanding and having the courage to write this 🌷, and this is something so few ppl talk about.

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    • IsabelleS  January 1, 2021 at 1:39 pm Reply

      Inga, I’m so glad you found comfort in this article! Thanks for taking the time to comment. All the best to you.

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  10. Laura  March 19, 2020 at 10:39 am Reply

    I am still young and at the age of 20 I still have many dreams I want to fulfill. But the one thing I mourn is a happy family. My parents divorced long ago and It’s okay. My dad visit me sometime and that’s enough for me.
    My mom found a new man, everything was fine until they broke up two years ago and now it’s just and endless cycle of them screaming over the phone, then getting together for a period of time and then breaking up again. She had suicidal thoughts. I still live with her and I see her misery.
    I know that my mother is an adult, that she is her own person and she has her own life. But it pains me so much to see her unhappy and depressed. I dream of her finding a right man, of her being happy with him. I’m just too tired now of this misery she seems unable to escape.
    Maybe she will find her happiness, maybe she won’t. I try to be happy on my own: with my hobbies, my friends, my art. I try to distract myself from thoughts of her being lonely when I move out and have my own family. I know she does what she thinks is right. But her pain is too much for me. I still hope she will be as happy as she deserves to be, but things are as they are and I will try my best to find my own harmony and my own peace despite not having a family I dream of having.

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  11. Donna Stehlin  March 13, 2020 at 5:30 am Reply

    Paul and others,
    Have you tried talking it over with God?
    He hears our cries and understands our pain.

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  12. Paul  February 4, 2020 at 1:21 pm Reply

    We all have problems in this cesspit we call Earth. No one is immune. In my case, it seemed that Life quite fancied kicking the shit out of me over and over again. Life is a total bastard. Life laughs at your hopes and aspirations. Life wanted me to go under, and so, after a ten-year period of trauma caused by chronic illness, Life dropped serious depression into my lap. I began to think of a way out of this miserable existence, and suddenly, I was on a knife edge with suicidal ideation. But then I discovered what I thought might be my ‘salvation’: art, creative writing and a renewed interest in music. All was going well. I had created a world I could retreat into, and I managed to blot out the depressive thoughts inmy mind.. But Life didnt like that, and so I became ill with chronic pain and fatigue.

    I have had enough now. No more fighting.

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    • Laura  March 8, 2020 at 5:07 am Reply

      Paul, you aren’t alone in feeling like that. I hope you are still around and gracing this planet with your creative thinking! Whatever your battles if you love to write keep at it! Even if it’s just talk to text if your hands are cramping. I have had chronic illness for almost 30 years and still I plow through. I have children who have issues as well. Sadly life is hard for everyone but there is always sweet with the sour. Hang in there! Start a blog! I bet others would enjoy coming together in sympathy. I find the hardest part in chronic illness is how lonely it is. Most don’t understand. Be brave. Get outside and lay on the earth and listen to it. This always helps me through. (((Hug))$

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  13. D  January 7, 2020 at 10:37 am Reply

    My 2 oldest daughters were terrorized in a playground by 2 teenager girls when they were 5 and 7. My father abused 2 of my younger daughters when they were 7 and 9. When it came out my 23 year old niece said he abused her when she was that age and never told. The same week I found out my husband and his brother had raped at least 2 of his sisters. We have 6 children and I was devastated by this final blow. I kept his monstrous secret from our children as I didn’t want any more hurt to affect them. They are all grown with their own families now and I 65. I can’t pretend to care for him anymore as he has never taken responsibility for his actions only hated me for my knowledge. My children are angry at me for not support my husband weekend alcoholism and they see him as a wonderful man even though they know the truth. I am alone without family now and so very sad. I have born the guilt of the guilty. Finding hope or even peace is so far away.

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  14. Kim  December 18, 2019 at 9:50 am Reply

    So many wrongs in my life have been righted in various ways, but even so, there still is a grief over what could have been. There was a time I would have written more words than all of the posts together about what happened to me and its impact. Despite my resistance, I found a faith that has helped me. And as is said, did it ever occur to you that the thing you want so much -wants you as much. It may not be in the form or the person you expected, but it may end up being the remarkable miracle you need.

  15. Patrick  December 8, 2019 at 4:55 am Reply

    My father physically abused from infancy by kicking, punching, whipping with leather belts, wooden sticks while telling me I was a nothing and a nobody. I was born with kyphosis and scoliosis and my father called me a ” humpy bastard”. I was burnt in a fire in 1975 and my father never came to visit me in the six months I was in hospital.

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    • Michael  December 1, 2021 at 3:28 pm Reply

      Patrick–

      I can relate to your experience with parents. Mine were no better. My self-esteem was under constant attack, largely from a mother who used me to compensate for her own self-esteem problem. Someone who wants to harm some who is smaller or defenseless against them is referred to as a coward.

      I too was raised to believe that I was a nothing & nobody, who couldn’t be important to anyone.

      A parent like that can consistently do a lot of harm, and can continue to take away your hopes & dreams even when you’re no longer a child.. You wouldn’t believe how my mother managed to do that, but it’s a long story so, here, for brevity, I’ll leave it at that.

  16. Joe  October 23, 2019 at 11:59 pm Reply

    My life long dream of growing old , with my high school sweetheart and wife of 32 years, were crushed after she filed for divorce. She had multiple affairs over several years and broke our family into a million pieces. We have two awesome grown children, two men that I am very proud of. My plan A was to grow old with the love of my life, and enjoy my sons, and their families as “Mom and Dad.” Christmas, holidays, birthdays, all of the wonderful things families share together.
    As long as I can remember, I had dreamt of having what my parents missed with their divorce. I struggle with the selfish actions of my ex wife! She has stolen my dreams ,and I find it very difficult to get through each day. Our oldest son, and his girlfriend, are due to have a baby soon, . I have absolutely no idea how I can think of a plan “B” and I still mourn the dreams that I will never realize.
    At 54 years old my dreams were stolen just as I was ready to cross the finish line!

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  17. Angela  October 6, 2019 at 11:16 am Reply

    I suffered a nervous breakdown after I realized I would never obtain the level of success I aspired to as a writer, i.e. Pulitzer Prize, Nobel Peace Prize, NYTIMES bestseller list. Instead of celebrating the handful of victories as an award winning published author, I fell into the pity party of failure. My husband is trying to help me overcome this grief. Thank you all for sharing your losses and mourning process. Option B doesn’t look as appealing as Option A, but without an option there is only grief and loss.

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  18. Sarah  September 5, 2019 at 11:10 pm Reply

    My grief is my depression. It hijacked my life and interfered with everything I wanted. And now the deep deep seated lack of self esteem, lack of self worth, lack of confidence, insecurities, and anxieties that came with the depression keep me from reaching for the life I want even now that the depression itself has passed. I was kicked out of college twice, lost most of my friends, lost hope that anyone would want to be my friend, lost hope that I would ever be desired romantically, lost hope of ever finding love and having a family. As a single solo adult who works too hard because work is all I have, and basic stability is all I’ve been working for for 10 years, I now can’t even seem to have a dog without the stress of caring for it and keeping my job and my apartment overwhelming me. And the years keep rolling by and very very soon I will be past the age where I could have kids even if I managed to get over my issues, find someone, and try to start a family. All my dreams seem to have escaped me, and at the moment, all I can do is seek therapy which moves too slowly, and mourn.

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    • Michael  December 1, 2021 at 3:52 pm Reply

      Sarah–

      That sounds so much like my life: Those insecurities, lack of self-esteem, perception of worth to others, social anxieties & lack of social-confidence, can kill a person’s life. I can assure you from personal experience that that can both by long & consistent mistreatment, and by extreme and unbelievable momentary-instances of malice & attack.

      In my case, and probably in your case too, it didn’t just happen by itself.

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  19. Pamela Waters  September 5, 2019 at 9:12 pm Reply

    Loss of hopes and dreams happened for me when my husband decided he didn’t want anyone to know he was married or had a child. He had never been faithful. He was one of my best friends from high school so I completely trusted him. I wanted 4 children to have a family life eventually be able to not have to work and enjoy playing tennis and golf. He abandoned my daughter and myself. He killed her hopes and dreams at the age of ten almost 11. I was able to move forward because I had to create hopes and dreams for her. She became a brittle diabetic at the age of 15 and a half and died at the age of 34. Once again my hopes for her to live a full life and experience motherhood and I would get to be a grandmother. My hopes and dreams were destroyed again. My mother died exactly 11 months and one day later. She and my daughter were very close. I moved in to help take care of my Dad and he died three years later leaving me with no family. Once again my hopes and dreams were dashed. I am now 71 and I play tennis and golf several times a week but my hopes and dreams of being loved by someone I could build hopes and dreams with will never be realized. I live my life day by day trying to be grateful for my health and friends. But there is no getting over the loss of my hopes and dreams I just had to move forward and appreciate each day, I don’t look for anything else. I do not want to mourne something that will never exist. Funny I think this is the first time I put in words how I feel like I lost my hopes and dreams and never expect to have them now that I am in my 70’s.

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    • Allison Dinham  December 7, 2019 at 4:11 pm Reply

      Your hopes & dreams made me cry I have not looked at my life like this before and it can be very sad and a wake up call. I really hope you find someone to hold you to love you and enjoy life again as you deserve it.

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  20. John  September 5, 2019 at 4:49 pm Reply

    I lost my wife to suicide 19 years ago. Option B came about quite quickly when I realized I had to raise my 8 year-old and 12 year-old on my own. As the letter states I did “kick the shit”out of option B for the last 19 years. They are grown well adjusted men that society can be proud of.
    Now they are both out of the home, and I find myself mourning option A as never before. Option A included a retirement with my wife and all the wonderful things that would go along with it. Obviously that will never be, and that is what I mourn.

    • Nancy Brooks  September 5, 2019 at 7:16 pm Reply

      John, Thank you for your story. My son’s were 12 and 15 when their father committed suicide. For me, Option A will always be mourned. My son’s grown and well adjusted; both giving much love and kindness to their mother. Thank you for your comment.

  21. Donna Woodruff  July 14, 2019 at 5:12 pm Reply

    We’re pregnant with a child we never thought would exist due to health troubles so instead of wrapping myself around wasting more time, effort, money and heart ache for the children we’d never have i chose to put that energy into getting the hell out of my hometown which is fucking worthless btw, i also am desperate to go back to school, i feel so trapped now by this unexpected child, we were working to be childfree instead of childless and i was begging to see some light at the end of the tunnel, after layoffs and financial hardships for over 3 years i thought we were finally going to get on top of it all and fianlly move but now i feel like i have to give it all up for a baby we stopped believing we could have. Its not that i dont want her but i wanted something else much more especially since i didnt think a family would be a tangible thing, i guess the further along i get the more im actually feeling shame and grief for not already accomplishing the things i wanted most and also now worried i will never ever get to do those things, i don’t feel like life is over but i feel like the life i wanted is officially dead and it hurts so much. I feel like no one understands it.

    1
    • Anon13  January 3, 2021 at 3:34 am Reply

      You are incredibly lucky to have a child… your dreams & aspirations will still be with you… my mother ended becoming a marriage celebrant & also ended up going to university after having 3 children… you complain but think of those that are not lucky enough for this outcome… to have children was my plan A but unfortunately this did not happen – now I have to pretend to be interested in a Plan B when life feels absolutely meaningless. It is my greatest regret & constantly gives me depression, anxiety & suicidal thoughts…
      I hope you are healthy & happy & that your child is healthy & happy too – be grateful that you got this blessing in life…

      • IsabelleS  January 4, 2021 at 1:17 pm

        I just want to disclaim: Whether or not the child is a blessing doesn’t make Donna’s grief any less valid. Everyone has the right to grieve whatever they need to. Anon13: I am so sorry to hear that you’re going through this. I hope that you can find joy in Plan B, but also allow yourself to grieve Plan A. All the best.

        1
  22. Rachael  June 13, 2019 at 3:29 pm Reply

    I can relate to every one’s thoughts here..
    After a husband had left myself and daughter for another women that inits self felt like a death and loss.
    The ultimate abandonment was he took his life.
    Grief has ten folded as 2 years in I grieve everyday now for my daughters hopes and dreams which deep inside can still at times makes me angry. And sad.
    Plan B is hard but still you get up and try your best although you know you have some very sad days.

  23. Éva Little  February 1, 2019 at 11:52 pm Reply

    I’m just finding this blog! I am a Divinity School Student that is interested in doing work around singles ministry and the ideals that we bring into it. I was looking for sources what would help me support the idea of grieving your singleness by way of grieving the life that you thought you would have. Do you have any books or articles that you could recommend to me?

    • Inga  December 31, 2020 at 3:51 pm Reply

      Hi Eva,
      This sounds really interesting. I think I’m one of those singles that falls in scope of your research. Were you able to find any interesting research resources? Otherwise, what if you did a survey to singles in certain categories? You could build your research from scratch. Anyway, I look forward to hearing from you. Happy new year!

  24. Shelley Rottenberg  November 4, 2018 at 2:31 pm Reply

    I just recently found this blog and I’m so appreciative for it. My husband of 30 years has fallen into a darkness so black and lifeless that he doesn’t want to come out. We’ve had 3 family members in the last year and half die, we sold our home, I had a heart attack, he’s had tremendous stress at work – and he’s a workaholic, and the anxiety and depression just happened! Now he’s in a hospital because he doesn’t want to live and I’m out here all alone! He’s only 60! I’m lost without him! We have a very small family now that 3 of my siblings have died! No family is anywhere near me so I do this alone. I stay in the city he’s hospitalized in for a few days, then I go back to our apartment. Alone. We all forget how fragile life is- how intrusive it is- how demanding it is- how beautiful it is… when we’re not looking and then it’s gone.
    LOOK! FEEL! PLAY! LOVE! Do this EVERY TIME YOU CAN!
    A million thoughts.

    1
  25. Lynne Nash  June 18, 2018 at 3:47 pm Reply

    I lost my husband very suddenly and have read the Option B letter several times. The hardest part I have experienced is finding meaningful hopes and dreams to replace the ones I lost. I’m still looking.

    1
  26. Fleur  May 29, 2018 at 8:56 pm Reply

    To the first person who said the felt the loss of being a good writer., its not silly. I feel SAME way. Any career loss you really wanted, goal or dream is hard. Keep going g.trying. But if you decided not to. OK too. I hope you eventually have peace:-)

  27. Fleur  May 29, 2018 at 8:56 pm Reply

    To the first person who said the felt the loss of being a good writer., its not silly. I feel SAME way. Any career loss you really wanted, goal or dream is hard. Keep going g.trying. But if you decided not to. OK too. I hope you eventually have peace:-)

    2
  28. anon  April 1, 2018 at 3:57 pm Reply

    I thought I’d could be a good writer but I can’t. I think I’ve known this at some level for the last ten years but I clung to it as a light at the end of the tunnel because I find life so empty and stories have always felt meaningful. I noticed that I would be able to imagine myself as a ‘good writer’ so long as I wasn’t writing, but would be smashed in the face by my lack of skill when I actually tried. I’ve spent 10 years trying to think of an option B and I can’t because everything is so meaningless to me.

    I realise this is silly compared with others’ losses. I am lucky not to have had to face the pain of bereavement. But my life still feels on hold. I just want it to end.

    2
  29. anon  April 1, 2018 at 3:57 pm Reply

    I thought I’d could be a good writer but I can’t. I think I’ve known this at some level for the last ten years but I clung to it as a light at the end of the tunnel because I find life so empty and stories have always felt meaningful. I noticed that I would be able to imagine myself as a ‘good writer’ so long as I wasn’t writing, but would be smashed in the face by my lack of skill when I actually tried. I’ve spent 10 years trying to think of an option B and I can’t because everything is so meaningless to me.

    I realise this is silly compared with others’ losses. I am lucky not to have had to face the pain of bereavement. But my life still feels on hold. I just want it to end.

  30. D.K  November 27, 2017 at 4:11 am Reply

    It’s after 3 am and I am searching for something to fill this empty time and space. Options? What are options after all?

    Lost dreams and hopes can lead one into a nightmare of living. As a young girl I had hopes and dreams but they were destroyed. It wasn’t because of a disaster; depending on how you look at it.

    I dreamed of becoming a doctor or lawyer. Dad told me I wasn’t smart enough. I dreamed of becoming a writer or journalist and wanted to go to college. Dad told me I should try to be a secretary. I dreamed of becoming a musician or an artist. Dad told me I wasn’t good enough. Dad often told me I was stupid. I fought the good fight and tried to go to college when I was young…and as a certain stubborn streak still stayed with me I finally earned a useless college degree after the ripe age of 50.

    Options? Dreams and hopes? We are all here for a limited time. We focus on those dreams and hopes and then grief for not obtaining them, bitterness for the blame, ans hurt for the hurting itself. Some people get lucky in life. Some are dealt with insurmountable odds….starving children with no options to begin with.

    I have to find a way to feel lucky and believe it. I have to find a way to let it go…those wasted years and opportunity. I could have been so much more if only…instead, I am this stupid clump of mass waiting on the ending of my fruitless life. Here I am in debt for that education I could have gotten for free if my father had only believed in me. He refused to sign and help fill out scholarship forms. Stupid me…I wasn’t good enough.

    Options? Do we have any? Life isn’t about lost dreams and hopes. Life should be about love and loving; and forgiving life for not loving you back.

    2
    • Bec  November 21, 2022 at 8:43 am Reply

      Wow…you are me! Same with my dad! Everything I suggested he said “no”, and told me I’d just get married anyway. I was “too undisciplined” or not smart enough. Well, I got my useless college degree on my own, and after 23 yrs my loan debt has only tripled. Can’t pay it, can’t buy a home, can’t afford clothes, can’t provide the life I wanted for my kids. I dreamed of a stable home for them, playing in the yard and friends over in their teen years. My son will graduate next year, having moved all over and having no close friends. My husband is just about useless, with no drive nor desire for a better life. It’s all very sad.

  31. D.K  November 27, 2017 at 4:11 am Reply

    It’s after 3 am and I am searching for something to fill this empty time and space. Options? What are options after all?

    Lost dreams and hopes can lead one into a nightmare of living. As a young girl I had hopes and dreams but they were destroyed. It wasn’t because of a disaster; depending on how you look at it.

    I dreamed of becoming a doctor or lawyer. Dad told me I wasn’t smart enough. I dreamed of becoming a writer or journalist and wanted to go to college. Dad told me I should try to be a secretary. I dreamed of becoming a musician or an artist. Dad told me I wasn’t good enough. Dad often told me I was stupid. I fought the good fight and tried to go to college when I was young…and as a certain stubborn streak still stayed with me I finally earned a useless college degree after the ripe age of 50.

    Options? Dreams and hopes? We are all here for a limited time. We focus on those dreams and hopes and then grief for not obtaining them, bitterness for the blame, ans hurt for the hurting itself. Some people get lucky in life. Some are dealt with insurmountable odds….starving children with no options to begin with.

    I have to find a way to feel lucky and believe it. I have to find a way to let it go…those wasted years and opportunity. I could have been so much more if only…instead, I am this stupid clump of mass waiting on the ending of my fruitless life. Here I am in debt for that education I could have gotten for free if my father had only believed in me. He refused to sign and help fill out scholarship forms. Stupid me…I wasn’t good enough.

    Options? Do we have any? Life isn’t about lost dreams and hopes. Life should be about love and loving; and forgiving life for not loving you back.

    • Linda  June 1, 2019 at 2:08 pm Reply

      Your father doesn’t deserve the air he breathes quite frankly. Sorry, that’s how I feel. You are NOT a lump waiting to die. He convinced you you are. My sister did the same thing to me and I’m trying to find ways out of the old programming. I also had a passion for horses when I was young which ultimately turned into my unrealized dream. I think that loss still shapes my attitude to this day.
      I’m learning that my feelings about myself are nothing but old programming and I challenge those beliefs because they are 100% false. The trick is GETTING that…the moment of epiphany. I am learning ways to change the old programming and calling it what it is… a bunch of bullshit that has affected my life till now…I’m 56 BTW.
      There’s still time. I’m starting with meditation because it’s supposed to help you to separate yourself from that habit self to help you begin to reprogram to be in tune with who you really are….a super cool being of light. I know it sounds corny but it’s better than a lump. You are MUCH more than that. 🙂

  32. Francesca  November 18, 2017 at 4:40 pm Reply

    My birthday is next week, it will mark the end of my 27th year, the year I lost my brother and the start of my 28th the year I will loose my mother. As I near my birthday it’s really blindingly obvious that my current reality is not the one I would ever wish for. But I’m trying to find a way, and maybe that’s tentatively looking for some different hopes and dreams, my plan B while still grieving (cause we don’t really have any choice) my plan A. Thank you for sharing and for your website, I helps to feel less alone.

  33. Francesca  November 18, 2017 at 4:40 pm Reply

    My birthday is next week, it will mark the end of my 27th year, the year I lost my brother and the start of my 28th the year I will loose my mother. As I near my birthday it’s really blindingly obvious that my current reality is not the one I would ever wish for. But I’m trying to find a way, and maybe that’s tentatively looking for some different hopes and dreams, my plan B while still grieving (cause we don’t really have any choice) my plan A. Thank you for sharing and for your website, I helps to feel less alone.

  34. Sheridan  August 1, 2017 at 4:41 pm Reply

    having to go to plan B Manu times throughout my life due to many chronic illnesses has left me dejected. I wish death would fond me sooner than later I no sooner get on my feet to be knocked down again. Another surgery after another. I’m alone in this world and as I write this on my way back from the hospital I’ve been told another surgery is needed. A few days ago I was looking online for work and nothing was appealing. I’m depleted from reinventing myself again and again. Never IN my wildest dreams would I had thought at 55 I would be in this place of being totally broken in every way. Coming up with plan B again has to be joyful and hopeful. I hope all who read this can find a lovely plan B.

  35. Karen  June 7, 2017 at 7:30 am Reply

    Lost hopes and dreams for my daughter are what I grieve most. They weren’t for a particular college or vocation. She has suffered with bipolar symptoms for many years. Now her mind has become so distorted by anorexia, bulimia, and drug use that I don’t see a future at all. As a 60-year-old, I grew up in a time where women had fewer opportunities to make their own choices. It is hard to watch someone who had such a bright future dissolve into that kind of netherworld.

  36. Mare  January 15, 2016 at 8:38 am Reply

    In just over a week it will be six years since my husband killed himself then our wedding anniversary is two weeks after that. This piece of writing spoke to me….about the loss of Plan A. I had no Plan B…I didn’t think I needed it. Now, even his birthday each year is not as hard for me to get through as the anniversary of the day he left. I have bookmarked this blog and will return often. Many Thanks

  37. E  January 6, 2016 at 12:20 am Reply

    Can I ask where the header artwork originated? The female/butterfly image is beautiful!

  38. Hospice Chaplain Regan  January 4, 2016 at 11:43 am Reply

    Fertility and pregnancy is my dream that I let go, despite social pressure and pressure from some of the greedy medical offices profiting on people’s dreams. No one can tell me that my grief was insignificant or self-created. I continue to live in a body that has reproductive system issues, reminding me everyday. I let go of my own pregnancy ever happening because I learned to love and value my life in the present moment as much as or even greater than the dream of giving birth.

    • Eleanor  January 4, 2016 at 1:21 pm Reply

      I’m sorry that you had to let go of this dream, but I am so happy to hear that you’ve found peace in the value of your life and the present moment. Thank you for sharing your experience.

    • Curren  December 9, 2019 at 6:46 pm Reply

      I’m working through grief around this as well. People are quick to offer adoption as an Option B (as if it hadn’t occurred to me), but there is significant loss to process when you have to accept that you won’t be having a biological child. Were there any resources that helped you work through this?

  39. Vicki  September 5, 2015 at 3:54 pm Reply

    It may be difficult to ‘let go’ of some things and people, but when the event that took his life changes the entire world (even your experience at the airport) it feels IMPOSSIBLE to find a way to ‘let it (him) go.’
    I was exceedingly annoyed when they wanted to test me for something in relation to boarding my plane and burst into uncontrollable tears when asked. The idea that anyone would think I’d do to another family what was done to ours and thousands of others’ was too much to handle.
    I haven’t gone to an airport since then. Probably not the best way to let it go but I’m certain I’ll never be able to tolerate being treated like the very people who killed him.

    My daughter had more trouble with grieving hopes and dreams than I did. She got her driver’s license and graduated but made no big deal of it. She didn’t even want to go to the ceremony bc he wouldn’t be there to watch, which left us to miss out on it too. Another thing for which I felt angry at the people who did the ugly deed.
    Everything she’s done since her dad died, she’s done almost in secret. She didn’t want to attend the college graduation ceremony either.
    I have no idea how to help her with it. People say I’m not very good at being there for her. They might be right; my mom wasn’t there emotionally, I have no idea how to begin to help another person through an emotional wringer.
    I continue to struggle with how to help her. When I first looked for information on how to help teens deal with 9/11 all the data was for those who HADN’T lost relatives or friends or colleagues there. It was for someone who watched what happened but didn’t know the victims.

    1
  40. Stephanie  June 9, 2015 at 12:21 pm Reply

    Wow. Thank you for letting me cry over this. I read Sheryl’s post and obviously cried through it, amazed that this woman was so enlightened in 30 days on things I’ve maybe even just learned as a young widow nearly 5 months down the road. You picked up the same thing that I did from her final paragraph. Most applauded her determination to kick the sh*t out of Option B, and will now undoubtedly be confused when (not if) they see her continue to struggle and/or relapse….Non-grievers may even ask “Wait, what’s happening, I thought you were going to kick B’s butt?” without realizing that (1) There’s a lot of fails along the route to kicking B’s butt (2) We/She still hurts for Option A

    • Eleanor  June 14, 2015 at 12:06 pm Reply

      Hey Stephanie,

      Litsa and I had a pretty similar conversation about Sheryl’s letter. At 30 days you have yet to hit many of the grief potholes that are scattered throughout the first few years. It’s natural to want to kick the crap out of grief at the outset, but whether it can always be done quite another thing.

      Eleanor

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  41. Bonnie  June 9, 2015 at 11:51 am Reply

    Beautifully written from the heart. Thank you for the many things you touched on that I find in my own life.

    • Eleanor  June 14, 2015 at 12:07 pm Reply

      Bonnie,

      I’m glad it resonated with you! Thanks for reading.

      Eleanor

  42. Kathy Murphy  June 9, 2015 at 11:43 am Reply

    What a great piece and so well-written. Rings very true for me as I approach yet another birthday and struggle to hold onto hopes and dreams of my own. Grief is a journey with many suitcases….some you will manage to drop off and some you’ll carry forever. Thanks for sharing.

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    • Eleanor  June 14, 2015 at 12:07 pm Reply

      Kathy,

      Well put! I hope you have a good birthday and thanks for reading.

      Eleanor

  43. Clif Martin  June 9, 2015 at 11:37 am Reply

    I hope there are others almost as far “over the hill” as I am at 85 who read your stuff and like it as much as I do. Every posts gives me an idea for my “Death Happens” I look forward to comments on your hope and dreams piece.
    . Yes. I give you well deserved credit. http://www.tadrn.blogspot.com/

    • Eleanor  June 14, 2015 at 12:11 pm Reply

      Clif,

      Thank you for reading and for writing your own blog!!!

      Eleanor

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