When Someone Dies that You Had a Complicated Relationship With

General / General : Litsa Williams



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When someone dies who you had a complicated relationship with, you may experience confusing and mixed emotions. There are many different ways that this scenario can play out, but the fact is that everyone dies, even people you didn't like or had conflict with. And when you have mixed feelings about someone in life, you will continue to have mixed feelings about them in death.

People talk all the time about losing someone they deeply loved and cared for.  As for grieving someone you had negative feelings towards, people don't talk as much about that. The reasons why you may have had a difficult relationship are endless. Maybe they were mean or hurtful; perhaps they were violent or abusive; they could have been toxic or emotionally manipulative; maybe they betrayed you or someone you love.

 We get it, it feels weird to sort through feelings about the death of someone you didn't always like and it can feel even weirder to talk about it.  So, today we're going to talk about some of the circumstances that are unique to grieving someone you didn't like.  Then we're going to answer some of the questions that come up in those situations and talk about how to cope.  


6 Reasons You Might Experience Complex Emotions When Someone Dies that You Had a Complicated Relationship With

You're not sure if what you're feeling is grief.

If we understand grief as a natural reaction to loss, you may be thinking that it isn't a "loss" that this person isn't in your world anymore. You might think if you didn't like or want them in your life, it can't be grief.  This can leave you confused about how to categorize the feelings and isolated in discussing the emotions. Check out our definition of grief here for more.

You feel happy or relieved

Or, you're at least not sad about it.  In circumstances when your physical or emotional safety (or that of someone you love) was at risk because of the person who died, you may be feeling an immense sense of relief that your safety is no longer in jeopardy.  At the same time, you may also be feeling some guilt that you're relieved or happy or not sad. Like we said, it's complicated. Luckily we have a whole post on feeling relief in grief

Your feelings of relief are in conflict with other people's feelings of sadness

Sometimes you have a bad or complicated relationship with someone, but other people in your life don't. After that person dies, you may be left to sort through complicated negative feelings, while others work through more traditional grief feelings. This disconnect can leave you feeling isolated and alone, and also ill-equipped to support your grieving family and friends.

You thought your relationship with them might eventually get better.

This thought might have been conscious or it might have been subconscious.  Either way, when someone dies who you didn't like it isn't uncommon to suddenly feel the weight of the reality that you know will never get an apology, have a chance to apologize, or have a chance for the relationship to change and improve.  Even if those were things you never consciously wanted, knowing they are no longer even an option can be difficult.

Your grief isn't validated by others.

If people in your life knew you didn't get along with this person, that you had a strained relationship, or had a falling out, people may minimize the validity of your feelings.  That is a little thing known as disenfranchised grief. You may still be having intense grief feelings, despite that bitter divorce, painful custody battle, or even history of abuse.  People around you might be saying, what do you have to be upset about?!? You hated him and hadn't talked to him for years!

Death doesn't bring closure. 

You may have imagined that all those complicated feelings would somehow get resolved once the person died or was completely out of your life.  But there is a good chance the complicated emotions are still there, even though the person isn't.  You wouldn't be the first or the last.  The reality is the pain of a difficult relationship doesn't die just because a person has died.

6 ways to understand and cope with these complicated feelings.

Remind yourself you have the right to grieve.

When someone is removed physically from our lives there is an impact, no matter how we felt about them.  It changes the relationship, and it can impact our understanding of the past and the future.  Even if the hole left in your life is a hole you believed you always wanted, that doesn't change its emotional impact. You can deeply miss someone you had a really complicated relationship with, so give yourself permission.  The human heart is funny that way.

Remember that it is okay to feel relief.

If you feel guilty that you're relieved, happy, or not sad about a death, let's think through the feelings.  What you are relieved or happy about is that you are now safe and no longer fearful.  This is different than being glad someone has died.  If there were another possible way for you to feel safe, you would likely have wished that to be the outcome.  For more on this, check out our post about relief.

For better or worse, relationships continue after someone dies.

If you had a good relationship with someone, that can often continue through good memories and carrying on their legacy.  If you had a complicated relationship it often remains, well, complicated!  You may have imagined a person's death would make you feel better or resolve some of the feelings you were having.  In some cases that's true, but in some cases it isn't.  You may find you still need to carry on efforts to explore your own feelings about the person or find ways to forgive (keeping in mind that foregiveness is not about saying someone's behavior was okay!).  You can read more about forgiveness here.

Communicate about the entire relationship, the good and the bad.  

The old saying "don't speak ill of the dead" can, unfortunately, make people feel like they have to keep their mouths shut about the problems in a relationship after the person has died.  We're here to say, it's okay to keep processing and talking about these issues if you need to, you may just want to choose your audience wisely.  Depending on your situation, friends or family may not be the best people to support these types of conversations.  If that is the case, a grief counselor or support group might be helpful.  What isn't helpful is avoiding, stuffing, or ignoring the complicated emotions and memories.

Realize you may be grieving the relationship you wished you had.  

We all have ideas about what a mom or dad or friend or spouse or child is "supposed" to be.  Unfortunately, what we want a relationship to be is not always what it is.  Who we want a person to be is not always who they are.  If you are struggling to understand your own complicated emotions about the death, consider that you may be feeling grief around not having had the [mom/dad/husband/wife/friend/child] you wanted or needed.

It is still possible to finish 'business'.

When grieving someone you didn't like, or with whom you had a complicated relationship, there can be a feeling that any "unfinished business" will now have to be left unfinished.  It may not get finished in the way you imagined when that person was alive (if you were planning for a direct conversation, obviously that just isn't going to happen).  You can still find ways to say the things you wanted to say.  That could be in the form of a journal, letter to the person who died, artistic expression, or with a therapist.

Consider all the ways the relationship has impacted you.

Though many of these may be negative and painful, you may also see ways you grew from the strains in the relationship.  It may be in your own commitment to not being like that person or it may be in your growth and avoidance of other negative or toxic relationships. It may even be in your ability to find forgiveness or empathy in an impossible situation.  Whatever it is, take some time to appreciate yourself and your own growth.  This is not being grateful to the person or for the hurt or problems they caused, but taking the time to give yourself credit for the growth that can come from adversity.

What are your thoughts on grieving someone you didn't like, or who you had a difficult relationship with?  Leave a comment to let us know! 

We wrote a book!

After writing online articles for What’s Your Grief
for over a decade, we finally wrote a tangible,
real-life book!

After writing online articles for What’s Your Grief for over a decade, we finally wrote a tangible, real-life book!

What’s Your Grief? Lists to Help you Through Any Loss is for people experiencing any type of loss. This book discusses some of the most common grief experiences and breaks down psychological concepts to help you understand your thoughts and emotions. It also shares useful coping tools, and helps the reader reflect on their unique relationship with grief and loss.

You can find What’s Your Grief? Lists to Help you Through Any Loss wherever you buy books:

Let’s be grief friends.

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302 Comments on "When Someone Dies that You Had a Complicated Relationship With"

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  1. Steffie  January 21, 2024 at 9:40 pm Reply

    This article was just what I needed as no one in my life can possibly understand what I’m dealing with now.
    At 23 yrs old I thought my spouse was my dream come true. (I had already known him most of my life and had a crush on him since I was very young). We had two beautiful boys together and were together for 18 years. The relationship was a roller coaster throughout. He has borderline personality disorder and I was too young to understand as this was not a very well know disorder back then. Because I was friends with him first I thought I could “fix” him by giving him the love of a family like he had never known. He had a very sad childhood and had been abandoned by his birth mother. This fact shaped him into the person he’d become, a high functioning alcoholic with debilitating insecurity’s. But under all that I knew and understood his vulnerabilities. When he would act out towards me I would blame it on the illness. Over time this gets more and more challenging and when I tried to leave it became a dangerous situation for me. But I loved him so I stayed. When it was good it was great ; and when it was bad it was really bad. Years later, I did something I’m not proud of and he reacted violently. Out of guilt I stayed…but he never forgot so four years later, after 18 years he disappeared without a trace. He had fixed me lunch while on my lunch break, chatted about our planned move to our old hometown, he kissed me goodbye as I was leaving to go back to work and I never saw him again. I was devastated but exhausted and felt that him leaving me was best…but not so for his sons! He stayed away from me and the boys for another 18 yrs before I received word that he had passed away. At first I was numb but felt that he was finally at peace but after further investigation I found out that he had passed away of metastatic prostate cancer 3 months prior and his body still lay unclaimed in a funeral home. I made arrangements with the help of a fundraiser, ID’d his wasted body (a vision I will never forget) and arranged to have him cremated. All this was during the holidays. My sons were devastated and as I handled all the affairs I realized that I am too. I’ve been through grief but nothing quite like this. I blanked out the past 18 years that he’s been gone and now I’m experiencing every single emotion one can possibly feel. Mostly Sadness for my sons, the loss of a relationship with their father (he was a great role model and hands on Dad despite his mental illness) and somehow I cannot get over the fact that he died absolutely alone and ended up unclaimed in a funeral home for almost 4 months. And I grieve for myself and the knowledge that I could never “fix” things. I’m attending grief counseling this week in the hopes I can put myself on the right path for healing and rid myself of the guilt that’s consuming me. I know that his decision was his own and I can’t change that. But still I cry every night before bed and every morning when I wake up and at random times throughout the day.
    . My great grandmother used to say “Never go to bed angry at the ones you love”
    I now understand the impact of that statement

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  2. name  June 6, 2023 at 4:39 pm Reply

    My grandmother died recently and I’ve been a mess. I’m a part of a very disfunctional family and while I don’t have any hate in my heart towards her, I do have hate for how she treated me.

    I don’t have time to write about this in detail right now, but its been confusing how much her death has affected me mentally. I felt sorry for her and loved her in a way. I put a lot if effort into our relationship at times, while she was very hard to get along with and she caused a lot of trauma for me. And I feel like Im mostly grieving who she could have been and not the real her.

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  3. Anonymous  May 6, 2023 at 11:26 am Reply

    My dad is very old and will die in the next few weeks, months, or maybe a year possibly. Some of my siblings are acting like they care so much for him. I never felt close to him, he was so self-involved and never wanted kids. He wasn’t terrible, but he was never genuinely or sincerely interested in us as kids and I could feel that. He left our mom when I was young but visited on weekends and “tried” but gave only the bare minimum of effort and I was a very intuitive kid, so I knew he was faking it even for that 15 minutes of attention he gave.

    So of course growing up I faked it right back. That was the lesson that I was taught.
    Some feelings are acceptable, and others are not. Through adulthood I faked it, going through the bare minimum of effort in being a good adult child to him. Over time as he got older, he wanted more from me though. I’m looking forward to when the pressure to pretend is over. I never want to hurt him or anyone. My siblings push me to appease our dad, to do what they think he wants. To them I’m just an object that makes my father smile and I have no identity, no individual self. My feelings are irrelevant in this because the goal is to care for dad. They perpetuate the one-sided relationship he created. They make me feel so isolated and alone in this and so wrong, because I just don’t want to visit, or call even though I do call.

    I feel like I should be able to navigate this without estranging from everyone but I’m not sure I can. I need to have my own feelings and can’t do it when they have access to me. I am so angry! I’m angry at my siblings and at my dad for not being a dad back when it mattered. I’m tired of feeling ashamed for not having the right feelings. I’m tired of being forced to pretend in order to please people who I get nothing back from, who I’m just an object to. I’m tired of this man and his children taking up so much space in my brain and consuming my life.

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  4. Anonymous  May 6, 2023 at 1:02 am Reply

    My dad is very old and will die in the next few weeks, months, or maybe a year possibly. Some of my siblings are acting like they care so much for him. I never felt close to him, he was so self-involved and never wanted kids. He wasn’t terrible, but he was never genuinely or sincerely interested in us as kids and I could feel that. He left our mom when I was young but visited on weekends and “tried” but gave only the bare minimum of effort and I was a very intuitive kid, so I knew he was faking it even for that 15 minutes of attention he gave.

    So of course growing up I faked it right back. That was the lesson that I was taught.
    Some feelings are acceptable, and others are not. Through adulthood I faked it, going through the bare minimum of effort in being a good adult child to him. Over time as he got older, he wanted more from me though. I’m looking forward to when the pressure to pretend is over. I never want to hurt him or anyone. My siblings push me to appease our dad, to do what they think he wants. To them I’m just an object that makes my father smile and I have no identity, no individual self. My feelings are irrelevant in this because the goal is to care for dad. They perpetuate the one-sided relationship he created. They make me feel so isolated and alone in this and so wrong, because I just don’t want to visit, or call even though I do call.

    I feel like I should be able to navigate this without estranging from everyone but I’m not sure I can. I need to have my own feelings and can’t do it when they have access to me. I am so angry! I’m angry at my siblings and at my dad for not being a dad back when it mattered. I’m tired of feeling ashamed for not having the right feelings. I’m tired of being forced to pretend in order to please people who I get nothing back from, who I’m just an object to. I recently discovered the term “co-narcissist” and think this has been my role with my family members.

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  5. Betty Britt  May 1, 2023 at 3:31 am Reply

    I was married to a man 41 years ago, who is the father to my son. He was a horrible alcoholic that made my life miserable for 5 years. I divorced him when I met another wonderful man that I loved dearly and had 37 great years with before he died 4 years ago. Now, at the age of 78, I find myself living in the same home with my son and his family and my ex-husband also lives here. My son took him in 10 years ago after he attempted suicide. We live in a very large house and I live in the apartment downstairs and my ex lives upstairs in his own room. I don’t have to come in contact with him very much at all, although I still have these deep feelings of hate and disgust at him. He is disabled now and has serious health problems and recently found out he has late stage prostate cancer. His being in the house has brought much burden on my son and his wife with his falls, ambulance calls, and hospitalizations. He no longer drinks and hasn’t for a number of years now, but he has diabetes and is very stubborn about taking his medications, causing him serious medical problems like one foot that is practically rotting off from gangrene. He does nothing with his life but rolls his walker from his room to the patio so he can continue to smoke, which is the worst thing he could possibly be doing. He is a very anti-social person with little or nothing to say to anyone and it isn’t very pleasant to be around him. I have watched my family reach out to him and try to include him into things and he just retreats back into his closed-shuttered self. I know he must be very depressed and especially now that he knows his time if near. I am now feeling very guilty that I have not at least tried to reach out and be nice to him. I have found myself sometimes sickened to even look at him because of the condition he has allowed himself to get into and the old memories of the things he did when we were married keep crawling back. I am a very loving and compassionate person, but for some reason just can’t be with this man. I feel very guilty about this.

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  6. Nadia Maddern  March 24, 2023 at 10:00 am Reply

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  7. Jimmy  March 23, 2023 at 11:16 pm Reply

    Good article and helps to alleviate a lot of guilt. My dad was extremely nasty to me as a child, a teenager and even as an adult. He sexually interfered with me, put me now and made me anxious and scared for most of my life. When he was in hospital in a coma, people prayed for his recovery; I for his death (you can imagine the guilt that this caused me).

    That was about 26 years ago, now I am older, I understand that he had a drinking problem (no doubt accompanied by mental illness issues even if only mild) that contributed to all of this. Today I do not hate him but rather I forgive him for by holding onto hate, I invariably become trapped myself. Forgiveness for him is a release from the prison that hate keeps us in.

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    • Denise Lara Mangalino  March 28, 2023 at 6:13 pm Reply

      Jimmy, I’m sad to hear about your dad’s treatment of you when you were young AND I am glad to hear you have the strength to forgive him for what he’s done.

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  8. jackie teller  March 18, 2023 at 1:12 pm Reply

    My ex husband recently died. We had been divorced for 30 years. His obituary praises him as a kind and loving family man. I want to throw up! This guy was a womanizing alcoholic who physically and emotionally abused me for the 13 years we were married. He screwed me over every chance he got. He left me for another woman with two small children 3 and 6 and never contributed to child support or just being a dad. I hate this man. He was a thorn in my side for 30 years. All holidays were spent with “dad” because he was “old” while I would be okay…according to my kids. Because I have no living family, holidays were hard for me and I really don’t celebrate them. I have been estranged from my daughter for decades (she is 45). I want to call bs to this but it would hurt my son. I never browbeat their dad but I feel like I should have been more upfront with what was going on. Needless to say, he drowned in a hot tub and they didn’t find him for a couple days. Probably OD’d on his sleeping pills. Am I happy..you bet! But I still am so angry after all these years and the way everyone thought he was so great! BTW, he blackmailed me in our divorce to where I signed away pretty much everything because my parents had given us some land (that had been in my family for decades) and he threatened to sell the land (community property state) which I knew would devastate my then living parents. So I ended up with nothing except two kids who idolized this SOB.

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  9. Melissa  February 15, 2023 at 10:47 pm Reply

    I just found out that my ex boyfriend passed away almost a year ago. We had a rollercoaster relationship and he was abusive at times. Before he left I told him we could still be friends. After that I saw him one more time and spoke briefly on a few occasions then I cut off all ties with him. It had been about 2 1/2 years since we spoke
    Ever since I found out he passed I can’t stop crying and reliving our relationship….good and bad. I think I am grieving the relationship that I wish I had with him. I never wanted him to suffer or to be unhappy I guess I also feel sorry for him because he had a rough life. I cared about what happened to him…I wish he would have known that.

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  10. Al  February 2, 2023 at 8:48 pm Reply

    Just learned my older brother, 2 years my senior, died. He was 49 and was an addict since his mid teens. We have been estranged for more than two decades as a result. He manipulated, stole from, hurt and let down everyone is our family since he became consumed by drugs and alcohol. He died in a homeless shelter on the other side of the country two weeks ago. They just tracked us down. I intentionally cut him out of my life and prayed he would never return, yet here I am… so very sad. This article helped me understand why. Thank you.

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  11. S  January 31, 2023 at 7:59 pm Reply

    My father’s wife passed away yesterday. She passed away during surgery. 85 years old. They were together for 40 years. I developed an intense anxiety disorder shortly after she moved in with my father. I did not connect my overall anxiety with her although to be around her caused much anxiety.

    I do need medication for depression, but still have anxiety.

    Last night after my brother told me , I felt such relief. Like a burden that I shouldn’t ever have been made to carry was lifted off me. I had the thought of how could I have let someone control my energy for 40 years?

    I feel very calm again today.

    Thank you for this article. I will read the linked articles as well.

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  12. Carol  November 16, 2022 at 12:46 am Reply

    So glad I found this article. I grew up as the oldest sibling of 3. My dad was an alcoholic and my mum divorced him when I was 12. My sister eventually moved in with my dad a few years later so I grew up without her really. I left home at 16 ( I had to move out). My mum was quite self absorbed and narcissistic. My younger brother Unfortunately took his life when he was 23 and it was about this time my sister became a bit closer. Years later she had a child with her husband and her behaviour changed. I felt having a child reminded her of what she didn’t get as a child and she would take this anger out on others.i think she was angry at me for not protecting her more but I was floundering myself and it was our parents responsibility to protect us. She ended up getting cancer and died at 39. She ended up so bitter that she instructed her husband not to tell us when she died. The whole thing left me with so much confusion and conflicting feelings of conversations I couldn’t have. I realise now after alot of therapy and reading about my feelings. My dad died about 3 years ago pretty much due to drinking and I was the only one to sort out his things. Our last conversation wasn’t good and I’ve since found out what a liar and user he was. I did love my dad. He was a bit of an Irish rouge with a good sense of humour but again conflicting feelings. I think it’s so true what you said in your article that talking about the death of someone you don’t like should be talked about more. Although I get on with my mum ok and I’ve had talks with her in the past, she has a childlike way that I will never be able to be close to her.
    Thankyou for writing about this. X

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  13. D.C.  October 9, 2022 at 9:34 pm Reply

    My husband passed away unexpectedly this year. We were with each other for over 20 years and have a daughter. When he died I was told by the detective on the scene that there was a straw and powder. So I was shocked that he died from a drug overdose. Then when I got his phone I saw that he had sex/affairs with over a hundred women over the course of our marriage. He hid his tracks like an expert, it was like something out of a movie. I had no idea. None of his friends had any idea. The worst part is that in his messages he trash talked me, his wife, to these random whores. I hate him so much but my daughter still loves him even though she knows he died of a drug overdose. She figured out he was having an affair when she saw my face while I was going through his phone and she asked me point blank. I said nothing and she said that she knew the answer based on that (she’s really intelligent). I couldn’t even lie, I was in total shock. I hate him so much, not only for betraying me, but especially for talking trash about me. I thought that we were friends but clearly we were not. I was so angry that I wanted to slap his corpse at the viewing. I just feel badly because my daughter still loves him and now she knows he wasn’t the hero she thought he was.

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    • Barbara  November 27, 2022 at 7:55 pm Reply

      Just imagine the STATE your daughter’s Mental Wellbeing is in: 1) father died suddenly 2)tragically 3)news of the affairs 4) the thrash talk 5) the understandable mental state that YOU are in.

      Even WITHOUT all of the above complications it would take your daughter at least 6 months to process the loss. Due to the above COMPLICATIONS it may take her SEVERAL YEARS TO PROCESS THE ABOVE. You cannot expect her to SUDDENLY NOT LOVE HIM because AS I SAID IT TAKES SEVERAL YEARS TO PROCESS THE ABOVE INCLUDING THE ANGUISH / ANGER / HATE of what he did.

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  14. aisha  September 15, 2022 at 10:47 am Reply

    hi, thanks for the article it really helps me to understand my feelings after my father passed away couple days ago. i wasn’t close to my father and i had a complicated relationship with him. my father was so strict and sometimes abusive so that’s why i didn’t like him. i moved out from my parent’s house about a year ago and never ever talked to them since then until my father died i finally talk to my mother. and the last conversation i had with my father was really awful and just worse i can’t even describe it. i hated him so much because he was useless as a father he never tried to put some efforts to find a job or making money my mother and my younger brothers and sister always struggle with financial issues we never had a proper meal every day so that’s why i blamed my father. but after my father died i feel like i missed him and i’m finally crying for him. but still it’s so hard to forgive him after everything he done to me and my family. so yeah thanks to this amazing aricle.

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  15. Mary  September 5, 2022 at 3:01 am Reply

    Thank you so much—your article on grieving someone you didn’t like helped me start to come to terms with my brother’s death. Thank you for helping me understand why I’m feeling such painful grief for someone who terrorized me and my family for the last several years.

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  16. Leo  August 19, 2022 at 9:49 am Reply

    An old friend that I had a lot of respect for and good memories of that my evil ex and mother to my fist born decided to she wanted to cheat on me with to just hurt me she didn’t even like him, has just past away he got her pregnant and are second born is his she insisted that I forced him away and keep him out are life’s an that I should bring up this little girl an I as an young idiot did it, but I but he has died only 37 so so young. I kindly always though we would get time to fix everything out as I know this little girl will one day find out. I will feel hate loss grief loss its all making me sad I know I can’t attend his service but I want to and I would like one last chance to talk to him I hate that there’s no time to heal and move forward with me and him in her life its upsetting me that I can’t fix this and that me and him will be can’t move forward with no bad blood

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  17. Jessica  August 17, 2022 at 2:35 am Reply

    My Aunt in law died. I highly disliked her, she did not like me at all and never really talked to me, even though I am very good friends with her sons and of course my husband which she liked. She was racist and had a dirty mouth. She was a burden for her son who cared for her the last months she’s been ill. Now she died and my husband and her sons are grieving, but I am just feeling sad for them, not for her or that she died. We’ll visit the sons today and I am so scared I’ll get caught not grieving about her. I don’t want them to think she wasn’t important to me.

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  18. AMK  July 22, 2022 at 4:35 am Reply

    So… Me and me boyfriend found his roommate dead. He had been with us for 5 years and been living with my old man living as a room mate for 12 YEARS! So I don’t know why but I hated him! He lied he would steal my pills outa our master bedroom. He’d steal from our bathroom, and lie about it. So I installed 1 Wyze Camara and caught him! Confronted him and still he would lie lie lie! That morning he was dead I was just scared because he would do drugs and I watch those investigation shows and I illustrated it all in my mind! No crime was committed he was just an old dope phined. Every thing was fine. Anyways I can’t stand him and I still has animosity and almost hatred towards him even though he is dead. I just want to scream he still makes me mad! No I didn’t like him and there’s actually a true balance of freedom due to his death! I’m not a mean person either! I was even nice to him!!
    Okay I told the world now!!
    I

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  19. Ellie Abrams  June 21, 2022 at 9:49 am Reply

    i do not grieve these who made me cry

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  20. Vanessa  June 12, 2022 at 10:28 pm Reply

    3 years ago June 15th my brother tried to murder me and my children. I called the police and they surrounded my home and were ready for him with shot guns fully ready. There was a BOLO (be on look out) for his vehicle and they found him. The began following him while he was in the phone with my mother. He told her there was a ton of cops behind him and not to worry. He pulled over while still on the phone with mom. She told him to do what they said and he told her don’t worry mom everything will be ok. He then proceeded to walk towards the officers gun to his head aggressively. He refused to listen or stop and they shot him dead. I unfortunately heard everything from the officers radio in my home. My mother then called me telling me I had her baby murdered. I heard this for a good 4 months. (My mother was dying from cancer at the time.)
    My brother had tried to kill me more times than I can count on 2 hands. But mom kept protecting him saying it was all my fault. He ends up in jail for beating a woman, yup….. my fault. Drunk driving…..you guessed it my fault. That was my whole life. I still loved thwm as they were my family but it was killing me slowly.
    Jan. 8 2020 my mother died from allergic reaction to cancer meds. It was rough as she had always blamed me for everything my brother had done and even his death. Im sorry but if you threaten my children game over. My brother knew that very well. I read the police reports nd saw the pictures of the shot gun and 2 cases of shells along with is 9 mil and extra cartridges or what ever they are called. No doubt he had a plan and was determined to be successful.

    Since losing both of them,My brother and my mom I have been so lost. It feels like a huge weight was lifted off of me but now I am left trying to figure out how to not live in fear. That was my whole life! My monsters are gone. I feel absolutely horrible about putting it that way but there is no other way to say it. I feel horrible because I miss my bro5and mom but I am relieved they are gone. Ughhhh I am just so torn up about it. This Wednesday will be the 3 year anniversary of that horrific night and my brother’s death. Not sure why but it is eating me up bad. I’m a wreck

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    • Emunah  October 31, 2022 at 7:50 pm Reply

      Hi Vanessa

      How horrible!!!! I hope you will come to terms with the fact that your brother was not a brother at all, other than biologically. He is not someone to be missed. Although I do understand emotions can be strange/ weird.

      I had a complicated relationship with a sibling as well. Very painful though not nearly as dramatic as your story.

      I wish I could say that I now have a sense of freedom now that my sibling has died, but it’s not so simple as that. I hope we will both find freedom soon.

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  21. Nikki  May 18, 2022 at 10:53 am Reply

    I’m so glad I found this site, it makes me feel like I’m not alone in my feelings of guilt at not being sad that my sister in-law passed at 55 unexpectedly in her sleep 2 weeks ago.

    She and I weren’t friends, but we used to have an OK relationship that deteriorated over time. After her mom died 2 years ago, she became openly hostile towards me after that. I don’t know why; I’ve always been nice to her.

    She was a miserable person with rarely anything positive to say. Over 75% of her visits she tended to be in a foul mood, and it was obvious she HATED being at our new home. She snapped at things I said and had a negative response to everything, it was exhausting to be around her. I dreaded every time I had to see her because, although she could be nice at times, her default was crabby/rude and I never knew what her mood was going to be like. I would talk to her and I was really trying to be friendly and nice and she wouldn’t even look at me as I spoke, it was so upsetting and I would stew over it for days after.

    My husband never validated my feelings about her attitude and now he’s got her on a pedestal, so I have no outlet for my feelings. I’m left feeling bad that I didn’t cry for her and that I feel a bit of relief not having to ever deal with her again.

    It’s not that I hated her, I just deeply disliked dealing with her, it was always so unpleasant and gave me anxiety. She had a BIG personality. The last 2 times I saw her, over the holidays and at a car show she was surprisingly pleasant, and we thought maybe she was getting better because she wasn’t always like this. Then she died.

    Because I wasn’t as upset as my husband and father in-law I was able to handle calling the coroner and some other funeral tasks so I can see the value in not being that upset. I need to let go of my guilt over this, I think about it every day.

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  22. Florence  May 5, 2022 at 8:49 am Reply

    My step-father recently died due to a tragic and sudden accident. He has been my step-father since the age of 3 and I am now 22. Up until the age of 20 I always found him strict, a bit full of himself but a good step father who looked after me, loved my father and always tried his best. He was at times a bully to my father but he and my father genuinely loved each other. I never once, before the age of 20, disliked having him as a step-father. But during the pandemic I had to go and live with my father and step-father as my mother was shielding whilst undergoing chemo for breast cancer. It was during this time, every night when my father would go up to bed, that the two of us would sit up and watch tv together. After a few nights he started sitting closer to me, putting his hand on my knee, stroking my leg and would inch his hand closer to my private area. I know I was 20 years old but I felt powerless and physically felt like I couldn’t make a scene or shout at him. Nothing overly graphic ever happened, I made sure of that, but I never really tried to stop it out of fear. Instead I would move sofas, or wear longer trouser bottoms. But it started to get worse, he would squeeze my bum when he hugged me or would try and rub the side of my boob. One day he eventually asked me, that if I wanted him to, he would touch my breasts. I said no and the next day he appeared horrified, as if it had suddenly clicked and he realised that was he had done was wrong. Whilst he never tried anything to same extent again he would still pat my bum when he hugged me. Now that he’s gone I find myself so annoyed that I never said anything or stood up for myself but I’ve never been a confrontational or loud person. I was also afraid, that my dad would never believe me or wouldn’t care because he loved my step-dad so much. And if I told my mum she would have gone ballistic and I wasn’t sure what she would do. I didn’t want to break up my family. Now he’s dead I find myself so conflicted, I am sad and will miss him but at the same time I’m slightly happy and relieved that I never have to feel stressed in his presence again. I’m so angry that he ruined our relationship and made me feel uncomfortable. And now I’m left with these awful memories and confusing feelings of grief and relief. I can’t tell my dad or my sisters and I don’t want to tell anyone to ruin his memory or receive pity. I’m really at a loss of what to do or how to move on. I have good days and bad days but sometimes I just feel incapable of doing anything but dwelling on it.

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    • Litsa  June 8, 2022 at 4:45 pm Reply

      Oh Florence, I am so incredibly sorry for what you went through with your step-father. No one should have to go through that and it is especially complicated that it was someone you trusted, loved, and cared about. Unfortunately, humans are flawed and complicated and someone can be wonderful in certain ways and do deeply hurtful things that we cannot ever understand. This was in no way your fault and you are entitled to support and care as you process this. I would strongly suggest that you reach out to a therapist – they can help you with the complexity of your grief and this experience, even if you aren’t able to reach out to your family. Sending many good thoughts.

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  23. Teresa  April 11, 2022 at 6:34 am Reply

    My daughter in law of 13 years died 2 years ago. She was never a good wife and mother, my son was extremely unhappy. She was verbally and physically abusive to my son. He never physically retaliated. She had gastric bypass surgery and become full of herself. She was very pretty and wanted to relive her 20’s she felt she missed being obese. She began heavily drinking, going out to bars, sleeping around. She completely abandoned my grands 8 and 2 at the time. My son divorced her, he got full custody of the kids. This put me in the position to be the “mom”. He had to work. Then 2 years ago she died. My first thoughts were for the kids. They always had hope she would turn around. But also I had relief I didn’t have to deal with her. Now I am like a full time mom. I have so much resentment towards her. I need to find away to get her out of my head!

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  24. Megan  April 7, 2022 at 12:34 am Reply

    I have a very real anxiety. My adoptive mother was seen as a saint by most people. However, I was terrified of her. She yelled at me a lot, picked on me and was just hard on me. There was emotional abuse and neglect. I have a fear of my own death, because I have a fear of seeing my mother again. A part of me wants that happy reunion I’ve heard about. A part of me hopes she doesn’t show up to greet me when I pass. I would like to resolve my negative feelings and fear of her.

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    • Litsa  June 1, 2022 at 9:48 am Reply

      Hi Megan, I’m so sorry for the feelings you’ve had about your mom. This is very much the kind of thing a grief therapist can help with. Have you worked with a therapist at all? I think you might find that very useful. Everyone has their own beliefs about what happens after we die – if you’re having anxiety about seeing your mom again in an afterlife, it might be helpful to speak with a priest/pastor/or spiritual advisor.

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  25. A. Sabater  April 6, 2022 at 1:14 am Reply

    Hello,

    I was raised by my mentally abusive grandmother for 30 years. I always felt not good enough. This spilled over to my child until I decided I had to break generational curses and step away.

    My aunt and uncle was never there for me. It was a rough and lonely childhood but I became born again and decided that I will not continue the abuse to my own child. We both got saved together at Times Square Church.

    Today I got news that she is dyning and could pass any day now. I cried like a baby. She was my “mother” when my mother couldn’t take care of me. So I pray she finds my grandfather in heaven but Im so hurt and sad about it. I will miss her but happy she wont be suffering anymore.

    To Abuela (Weeta),

    I am sorry we never got a chance to make up or have a great relationship while you were on earth. You taught me many things good and bad. We are still blood. Please find my grandfather and your mother and all your siblings in heaven. I love you.

    Jenaya loves you as well if she doesn’t get a change to say goodbye.

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  26. Caroline  February 10, 2022 at 1:42 pm Reply

    This article and the comments really speak to me right now. My uncle died a few weeks ago, after cutting off communication with most of our family over 20 years ago. He only maintained contact with a couple of cousins, and never contacted his own sister (my mother), although she continued to send him cards and update him on family news and events.

    Since his death, I’ve been surprised by all kinds of feelings of guilt, regret, sadness, and imaginings of what a better relationship (or any relationship) with him would have been like.

    The rest of my family and a good friend can’t understand why I’m upset, when he behaved so badly. We do think he had undiagnosed mental health issues though, and he never told anyone how bad his physical health was.

    He was told he was dying two days before he died, and still didn’t get in touch with anyone in the family to say goodbye, or even leave a message. It’s been left to my parents, to whom he was by now a virtual stranger, to arrange the funeral.

    I’ve been finding it hard to concentrate on my work and studies during the last few weeks, and now my own health and relationships are suffering. As mentioned by others, there’s so much out there about grieving for someone you loved, but not much on how to deal with this kind of situation! So, thank you for everyone’s stories. They make me realise I’m not alone in feeling like this!!!!

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  27. Sharon  January 23, 2022 at 1:34 pm Reply

    January 2022. My late husband died 6 years ago & it was a relief of 30 years of struggling & going without. He was not a provider, he worked sporadically, he lied, cheated and expected my parents, siblings & aunts to constantly step up and help. I worked fulltime, had a high risk pregnancy & delivered 6 weeks early then back to work before baby was 3 months old. He said since I wanted a kid it was my “job” to take care of him (he wanted no part) and he wasnt involved. I asked him 3xs to leave he wouldn’t. Then he had a seizure they found brain tumor he died 4 months later. Of course no will, no life insurance my family paid for his cremation his family who could have helped never find for 30 years they wouldn’t even buy a loaf of bread. I am filled to this day with anger. I dont know how to be done n over. He was a nightmare

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    • Hopeful  February 19, 2022 at 12:44 pm Reply

      I regret that you had so much pain for so many years. God brought you through and I would not even think twice about what his family did or did not do. You are a strong woman and are so blessed to have such a loving family. It is time to let go of all the anger because it will hurt you more. He is gone and he missed out on some wonderful opportunities. God sees you. Draw closer to HIM. He is a healer. Praying for you today.

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    • Helen  April 4, 2022 at 5:27 pm Reply

      Hello Sharon, that sounds so hard for you and your story makes mine feel a lot easier. Get yourself a good counsellor and do anything you can think of to take care of yourself – including all the things he wouldn’t allow you to do! I hope it gets better and you find some happiness finally.

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  28. Donna  January 10, 2022 at 9:12 am Reply

    My husband had an affair in Feb 2020, when I found out he left, blamed me and then accused me of parental alienation with our two children, which I would never do because that would hurt my children who love their father. He died of a heart attack on Nov 2021 at the home of the woman he had the affair with in another province before our divorce was final, she had a funeral and had him cremated, she invited me and my girls to go but I chose to grieve with his parents whom we stayed very close to and inter his ashes at the family’s cemetery in Nova Scotia. She has accused me of harassing her to his parents and brother. I did not, she contacted me and I asked for personal effects and documents to be returned to me so I could take care of his estate for my children 12 and 10. She refused and asked that I not contact her again, any contact or requests should be made by my lawyer which is fine by me because dealing with her is bringing up all the feelings, pain and grief all over again. I am overwhelmed and heartbroken and trying to be strong for my children as well as his elderly parents.

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  29. sonal  January 2, 2022 at 10:29 pm Reply

    I had a complicated relationship with my uncle, for the past 2 years he was verbally abusive to me and physically abusive to my pet. I found it best to just not speak to him as it avoided a lot of conflicts but they still happened from time to time. I never really thought about his side of things though. His children had disowned him and he was suffering from depression from this. He has been an alcoholic as soon as stressful times hit him. Recently he passed from suicide (hanging) and I feel really bad due to not speaking to him for the past few years or even offering any sort of support. It was so sudden and I’m still in shock as it happened a few days ago. I can’t imagine the level of pain he was going through to end his own life and to think I may have played a part in his depression being worse. I feel like I have wasted the short time we still had together as our differences could have been worked through.

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  30. Grieving mom and wife  December 22, 2021 at 12:38 pm Reply

    I am currently grieving the loss of my husband, I have recently discovered had been molesting my daughter (touching on top of clothes). I immediately filed charges on him and after a lengthy investigation, he was arrested and faced a life sentence. After only 10 days in jail, waiting to see the judge, he had a stroke, seizure and suffered head trauma (during the seizure, when his head hit the concrete floor) that was so severe that he was rushed to the ER for emergency brain surgery, where they removed a portion of his skull. This resulted in brain damage so severe that I was called to the hospital to take him off of life support. I didn’t have to make that choice, cause his heart stopped on its own, after 2 days on life support. This has been so traumatic for my daughter (13), my son (9, who knows nothing of these details about his sister) and myself. My daughter cries so much and says all the time how much she misses him. I’ve been on an emotional roller coaster, bc I miss the husband I knew, but I hate the man that did this to my sweet girl.. and her feelings are up and down also. It’s tough, but we’ve been in counseling for a year and a half, since the day I filed the charges. He dies earlier this year (2021), and are taking our time witb the healing process. Many people seem to think we shouldn’t even be upset about his death, but we feel what we feel and we can’t really control that. I have been put down by friends for not fully disclosing my daughters business to my son, or for letting them celebrate his birthday like they wanted to do, and for not constantly reminding them of what a horrible man he was when they come to me upset and missing him. They have witnessed him abusing me, physically and mentally. So, they weren’t sheltered from seeing the bad side of him, to a degree. So, I believe they have the right to form their own opinion of him and have their own feelings, based on their own relationships with him, instead of feeling how I tell them to feel. It’s difficult to deal with, in so many ways. In the end, I do appreciate everyone’s opinion, and do consider their thoughts, but I will also run them by our counselors before changing what we are currently doing. Grief shaming me won’t change my feelings, just like it wouldn’t change my kids’ feeling if I did it to them. So, there’s that. Hope this helps someone.

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    • Litsa  December 27, 2021 at 3:50 pm Reply

      I am so sorry for you and your daughter for all that you have been through (and are going through). Humans are complex and, tempting as it is for people to believe that people are all good or all bad, this is rarely the case. It is very common and normal to grieve the best, most wonderful parts of a person, while still knowing that person did horrible, unimaginable things. Though this article may not on the surface seem relevant because you learned of the abuse before his death, I think you still might find this article about learning a secret after a death useful.

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    • Helen  April 4, 2022 at 5:33 pm Reply

      All I can say is…. Wow, you sound like a super brave woman and a brilliant mother!

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    • Emma  May 31, 2022 at 6:23 am Reply

      I am in such a similar situation to you, also with a 9 year old who doesn’t know his older sisters situation. My husbands death was a little different, but other than that, you seem to be living my life. My heart broke for you and your children when I read this, I’m so sorry you are going through this because I know how it feels.
      Thank you for sharing, I’ve been unable to find anybody with a story like mine online that I can relate to.
      I wish you and your children healing and happiness

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  31. Elly fryer  December 17, 2021 at 10:19 pm Reply

    Just found out my mother who I was estranged from passed away in October and I was found via a research company. I didn’t have anything to do with her as I had a terrible childhood and when I tried talking to her about it a few years back all she did was blame us kids,she had 5 of us and abandoned 2 and treated us all bad so much so none of her children had anything to do with her. But me being the eldest and her not having a husband it’s all down to me. I’m feeling so confused I hated her for the way we where all treated mentally and physically abused but she was my mother .everyone close to me knew how I felt. And now I don’t know why I feel so sad

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  32. Jackie  November 13, 2021 at 12:58 pm Reply

    My ex husband died last week and suddenly our grown children hate me. They made him a hero n me the zero, even stating that their father gave them life . I am so deeply hurt by his passing as I’ve known him for over 30 years, but more by our kkids who act like I didn’t even exist. I feel so angry n hurt.

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    • Hopeful  February 19, 2022 at 12:56 pm Reply

      I am so sorry to hear of you having to grieve alone. Children should honor both parents but I know of other tragic cases like this one. We are human and imperfect and sometimes we just get life wrong. Whatever your children hold against you, God can fix that problem too. Draw closer to him. I dont know what your relationship with Jesus is but I know that he can and will help you. We were created for the Glory of God and He rejoices when come to Him. I hope and pray that God will help you refocus. May you find peace and Joy in Him. He will guide you. I am praying now.

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  33. JohnRJ  October 31, 2021 at 2:20 pm Reply

    My father died when I was four years old and I was the only child. I had special needs and was brought up in poverty, denied my disability benefits through misleading information and in spite of getting a degree in mathematics I could only get a job in the sheltered placement scheme which paid me less than school leavers with minimal GCSEs.
    In addition with this low financial security, I didn’t have the bank of mum and dad to help me like all my cousins had, but the financial burden of my mother’s debt on top.
    Overall, now in my early sixties I have earned far less than average in total for my age and was supposed to have gone a long way with my talents in junior school before problems with my health started later but while still in school.
    My talents and support needs were both recognised but used to contradict the other. Instead of getting my entitlements my talents were used to deny me this while my illness was used to undermine my career prospects. My mother didn’t help me in any way or support my side of the argument but didn’t want to know.
    Living in my house which she claimed to the neighbours she bought (never paid a penny towards it) she passed away last year (2020) and since then I have felt a big difference in my finances for the better. I can now move on better and get the house decorated and refurbished.
    Much as I miss my mother, I wish I had gone my own way in my late teens as I would have found out more for myself and got what was rightfully mine as well as not had her financial burdens.
    As a child we never went on any proper holidays but she spent the majority she got in benefits on cigarettes denying me what all other children had in their schooldays.
    I don’t know whether I am glad she has gone or not. She is resting in peace and no longer a financial burden on my hard-squeezed below average finances.
    I have put all this so you can try to understand my grief. I am not feeling sorry for myself as I have got out of this hole myself. I just don’t know whether I should be glad she has gone as I miss her presence but not the financial burden which came with her presence.

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  34. Charlie Wolf  August 27, 2021 at 1:34 am Reply

    I’ve had a really complicated relationship with my father who passed away about a week and a half ago. For the first 16 years or so he tried to raise me like a proper father would by trying to teach me to be honest and doing all those life lessons talks, though he was particularly cruel when it came to punishments for doing something I wasn’t supposed to. He did stick up for me when my mom would sometimes be overbearing with her religious beliefs with me while growing up which allowed me to decide whether I wanted to believe in religion as deeply and devout as she did or if I wanted to go off and do my own thing.

    However that changed once he started got a new job title training people. At first he criticized the trainers that would sexual interactions with their trainees saying he’d never do anything like that and that these people were scumbags and such. Then all of a sudden he comes home telling me in private that some of them started flirting with him and how much he liked it until one day he comes home and tells me he slept with one of them. Mind you I was 16 at the time. So now he just admitted to me and told me in detail about how great the experience was, which puts me in a bad spot: do I tell my mom and break up my family or do I keep quiet and hope he gets his fill and stops. I chose the latter because I didn’t want my family split up again. Unfortunately, every time he got a new class, he slept with another 1 or 2 trainees and would now brag to me and my friends about it. This continued up until my junior year in college. By then, my mom was on to him but was trying to keep it under the radar for my sake, and my father was slowly moving his stuff out of the house at the time but we didn’t know. We did notice that he kept doing a lot of “overtime” but was always broke or always rushed me to pay him back when I needed money for books. Hell, one day he told me he was going to be late, forgot to hang up the phone and I heard him and one of his trainees laughing about the lie he just told me before they started messing around. Then one day he did “overtime” and just left. All his important documents were gone. We kept receiving things addressed to him stating that his change of address went through, service cancelations went through and phone numbers changes had went though and also leaving us in a lot of debt.

    I haven’t spoken to the bastard since he walked out 15 years ago. He did try to waltz back into our lives after he had his first stroke about 5 years after leaving. My mother tried to help him being the good person she was but I was not having it. I avoided him every chance I got till he got the message to fuck off. And he really did try, with help from my mom always telling him when I’d be home or what appointments I had to go to or my work schedule and even giving him my cell number at the time and begging me to forgive him. I just couldn’t do it. He even offered to pay the rent and utilities if we let him move back in. My mom and I both said “no way”. After he finally got the message, he disappeared again and only called when he needed information about a doctor. Aside from that we were a disposable address and phone number to him.

    Fast forward to a few days ago, his niece calls telling us he died in the hospital and asked if she could bring all his stuff over. At first, I didn’t care since I lost that bond with him 15 years ago and I lost that bond with his family 24 years ago ever since he branded them “losers, thieves, scumbags and liars”. When his niece came though, that’s when things started getting uncomfortable. Hearing that she cared for him when he cried for help and she looked after him and seeing her so lively about the misadventures they’d get into made me so sick and aggravated, however I tried to be polite because I understood she was just trying to be a good niece. After she left and I started going through his things to see what was junk and what was needed to tie up his loose ends, that’s when I started losing it. I knew he had a life for 15 years, but to see all the pictures of him smiling started getting to me. Oddly seeing all the pictures of the chick he left us for and all her relatives didn’t phase me. But when I saw he still had pictures of me and him from when I was a child and from when I graduated high school, it just set me off in a blind rage. The rational was “He wanted to leave, cool, no problem. He should’ve told us what he wanted to do instead of leaving like a thief in the night. But to try so hard to get rid of us and have the audacity to hold on to pictures of me? He can’t do that shit! It’s not right, it’s not fair and he didn’t deserve to take pictures of those he was trying to hard to remove in the first place”. After calming down and going through more of this things and finding out that not only was he acting as a sugar daddy to girls half his age in some cases (to each their own), as I’m sorting everything his niece’s stories start to play in my head, especially the parts where she mentioned that he was losing his mind and keeping multiple copies of the same things and hoarding useless junk. I started randomly breaking down during the whole process asking myself why am I crying or screaming “I fucking hate you so much” and punching / throwing things out of pure anger. What made it even worse was my mother caught me at one point and just kept telling me to throw everything away and stop going through things and trying to rush me to go to the funeral home to make arrangements and get the death certificate already. I get she didn’t want to see me in this light but I really needed her to just stop.

    So finally, I’ve sorted through his things. I got most of what I need to tie up his loose ends and decided that I wanted to ship him back to where he was born and have him buried in the national cemetery there. Part of it is sort of my final “Fuck you” to him. He tried so hard to be rid of us in life so in death he gets to be alone as well. The other part is for my own sanity. I don’t want his remains anywhere near me, meaning if I drive by somewhere, I don’t want the thought of “Ugh, this man is buried in there” to pass through my head. I just want to be free in a sense. My mother disagrees and makes me break down saying that she’s scared of me because she’s never seen me like this and is afraid that I am going to be cruel and evil to her when she passes, especially since my sister bears some sort of resentment to my mom in the same ways that I do with my dad, but not for the same reasons. I told my mom I’d never do that to her and that she was a better person than me because I could not bring myself to giving him what he wanted, which was to have a direct cremation and have his ashes buried with the other veterans nor could I give her what she wanted for him which was to pay for a ceremony and everything so his family could say goodbye. My response is that if they want that, they should pay for it but I am going to do what I am going to do and that’s that.

    So I am sitting here now, with my thoughts and my moms words in my head wondering if I will really regret sending him back to his birthplace to rest all by himself or if I am actually going to be at peace finally. Right now, I think it’d be best for me at least to send him back and trash the rest of his things once his affairs are in order. I could back up his pictures and put them in an archive and tuck them away in a folder I almost never go into and password protect it. I figure, if I really do miss him, I’ll always have something to go back to, but if it stays unopened for over a year and gets deleted, no harm no foul. Yet at the same time, I’m asking myself, why bother?

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  35. Patty  August 21, 2021 at 4:46 pm Reply

    My 45 year old son recently passed from an accidental overdose. He’s had an addiction problem most of his adult life. He’d been in rehab and jail many times. He left behind 4 young children who are devastated. I went the tough love approach but my mother enabled him for all of his adult life. People tell me he loved her more than life itself. Since he died she acts as if she’s the only one who lost him. I was his mother yet she seems to think her grief is more than mine. I just want to scream he’s my son! She says he’s come to her in the night with his deceased father taking his hand and saying come with me son. I don’t feel any contact from him. So is her grief more than mine should be? 😢

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    • Hopeful  February 19, 2022 at 1:05 pm Reply

      Patty, I am so sorry you lost your son. Cry out to the Lord. There is no contact with the dead…this is very clear in the bible. What your mom is seeing are demons impersonating your son. You really should allow God to strengthen you. Draw closer to him because you will find peace. I pray you will consider reading the bible because the word of God will comfort and guide you. That is your son and I hope you had the opportunity to eulogize him as you preferred. Your mom is hurting, you are hurting, so the pain is real for you both. You both loved your son. Keep your focus on Jesus. This too shall pass. You will find joy and comfort as you turn to God with this problem. I pray that you will find peace …Give it all to God.

    • Helen  April 4, 2022 at 5:41 pm Reply

      I know from my own experience that grief makes people behave very badly sometimes. I hope it’s resolving for you. In no way does anyone else’s belief or behaviour negate the importance of your own feelings.

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  36. Ronda Roubanis  July 26, 2021 at 11:34 pm Reply

    My father is dying. I don’t feel much. He raped me for at least 5 years.
    Now his partner of 38 years is asking me to contribute to his funeral. She knows nothing.
    I will not contribute, but I have no desire to hurt her with a disclosure.
    Mostly I’m pissed off that even at deaths door he is trying to fuck me.
    Fuck.

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    • Jennifer  July 28, 2021 at 9:26 pm Reply

      I think you are wise to not tell his partner what happened- at least not right now. Instead you could say something like “my dad and I had a complicated relationship, which I’d like to keep private. I do not feel that I can contribute to his funeral costs.”

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  37. Zachary Allen Hendricks  July 17, 2021 at 5:23 pm Reply

    Currently I am in a bad spot and u may think I’m crazy but I need someone’s help my family has been acting weird towards me the last couple years and i am so sick right now my body feels like my bones are gonna start breaking in half I stood up the other day and then hir the floor turned white and had a seizure I’ve never had a health problem in my life and when I fell out my family even the ambulance people acted like they didn’t care I want it to be know that my family and the whole town are conspiring on me and they are poisoning me and when I go to the hospital they play it off as nothing but I never have energy anymore my bones hurt I feel things crawling in me and my tonsils are swelled up and leaking puss and I don’t think I have much longer. I need help how do I reach out to someone outside of this circle I’m living in lake timberline in Bonne terre Missouri and I don’t know why they hate me so much what do I do

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    • Isabelle Siegel  July 19, 2021 at 11:21 am Reply

      Zachary, I’m sorry that you’ve had this experience and that you are feeling so alone. When someone needs help—especially when they feel their family isn’t helpful or can’t be trusted—we generally recommend reaching out to professional doctors and mental health professionals. Do you have a primary care doctor who you trust? If not, please know that, when dealing with mental health professionals and doctors, sometimes you have to speak to more than one in order to find someone who you feel comfortable with. If you ever feel that you are in danger, you should call 911 right away.

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  38. Leslie  July 15, 2021 at 8:45 am Reply

    I have a narcissistic mother.
    I have an older sister and younger brother. We, all have been emotionally abused. Mom is 94 and in hospice care.
    My siblings can’t wait for her to go. But I am conflicted. She and I are closer, but I am angry at her, even after years of therapy. She is still difficult, so there is still frustration and a desire to be heard and to have her own up to her neglect. I know, unreasonable at this stage. I’ve been honest, with her for years, about my angry feelings, to no avail. Thanks for your time.

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    • Renee  April 8, 2022 at 8:39 pm Reply

      My Mother just died Dec 2021. She was also a narcissist. I was her favorite. But we all wear the scars. Being her favorite really just came down to me being the one she called for everything. She ruled my life. Now that she’s gone, I can’t even miss her. I dream about her all night every night. I’m exhausted in the morning from working for her all night. I don’t have any advice. Just know that you aren’t the only one living this hell.

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  39. Laurie  June 23, 2021 at 5:19 pm Reply

    It seems like people believe nasty things about me because of the way I grieve. This makes things worse. I come from a family who seems to admire the father who I feel mostly anger towards. There are many unresolved issues. I don’t like the people my Dad admired. I saw him as racist towards my
    Mom when he talked about Irish people and leprechauns. But people seem to believe that he was nice. I am angry at my dad because I don’t look like him and people ask me if I am Irish. It is like he made fun of a part of me that he is not a part of. I wanted badly to move out, but my driver’s license was taken away because I was forced to take drugs against my will. I believe that my dad wanted me to stay so he had someone to scream at. Adversity doesn’t make someone better. People who believe this are fools. It is like saying an aborted baby learned humility. I guess that you can say that I am depressed. I really don’t know how to express or figure out why I am feeling angry at my dead dad. I hate people who were loved and say anger is for stupid people. I was angry because I was tired of the word stupid. I feel unheard. My dad talked too much. I don’t think that I could get a word in a lot. And he was extremely inappropriate and rude.

    • Laurie  June 23, 2021 at 5:21 pm Reply

      I sometimes I do feel like I am forgiving him

      • Nn  July 13, 2021 at 4:04 am

        L:
        R.I.P to your dad. Also, YOU are heard. Thank you for your honesty, your comment is going to help people.

  40. Pam  June 21, 2021 at 2:52 pm Reply

    I needed to read this article. My ex husband and the father to my children just died on Saturday. Only 1 daughter left the door open for him to communicate with him and she had not spoken to him in years. She got the call. I am sad and glad. Sad my girls will never get an apology from him. Sad the relationship will never be healed. Glad because we are free. Free from the feelings of rejection, abandonment and fear. My grandchildren will never ask why doesn’t he want to see me, cry because he forgot a birthday or pull a knife when they color and the marker gets off the paper and onto the table.

    • MF  July 9, 2021 at 11:29 pm Reply

      My husband’s mistress passed suddenly. We conversed a few times and I don’t think she was a bad person. However, I can’t excuse the fact that they covered to see each other after they got caught up. I have been separated from him for years and now pending divorce. However, I still don’t care for either of them. I didn’t feel like a relief but it did get like a closure. Imagine a person bold enough to tell you they were in love with your husband. I felt guilty for not being sad until I read this. Thank you for this.

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      • Jane  August 24, 2021 at 3:34 pm

        My ex-husband and the father of my 3 children suddenly died last week. We had a horrific divorce, he was abusive to me and my children. That fact was hidden from most people. His new wife further alienated my children. We have 6 grandchildren as well. My children have learned this week that the farm they grew up on will never be theirs, he totally wrote them out of his will. I’m so angry for them, for my grandchildren and for myself! Deep down I wanted an apology for the tortuous 15 years we were together, I’ll never get that now. Everyone in our community believed him to be some sort of saint which angers me more. I know this is crazy, I want to slap him for dying and leaving such pain and hatred behind!!

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  41. Me  May 21, 2021 at 8:42 pm Reply

    Thank you for this.

    1
    • Briar  June 14, 2021 at 9:08 pm Reply

      Thank you for posting this. I just list my father last week. None of his children were close to him as we had a very violent alcohol-fueled childhood. His bullying and verbally and physically abusive ways left permanent scars on all of us including our late mother. I have so many mixed feelings now that he’s gone. I haven’t cried one tear but I’m not happy that he’s gone. I feel sort of uncomfortably numb. I feel guilty that I’m not crying or suffering as some people are but I’m not a fake.

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  42. Maria  March 18, 2021 at 7:29 am Reply

    Wonderful piece, very well written and down to earth for all of us with ambivalent feelings around a loss. Thank you for wiriting and sharing this article.

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  43. Danielle  March 16, 2021 at 3:04 am Reply

    This article nailed what I am feeling right now….towards my ex, he was my first love and father of my 11 year old daughter. He took his own life last year while in solitary confinement in prison. The relationship was beyond difficult, he continued to put our daughter through years of being home for a little bit, then back in prison, home for a bit, then gone again….this last time was the final straw for us. My daughter was so angry at him for blowing it again…she refused to see or speak to him for a solid 9 months. She had only started talking to her father again about 3 months prior to him killing himself. There is so much anger, sadness, frustration, guilt along with losing the hope of a better relationship in the future. Ugh it is just awful…..

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  44. Smedina146  March 2, 2021 at 4:22 pm Reply

    An unbelievably WELL WRITTEN, caring explanation for a topic that is rarely discussed. For someone like myself, who is very in tune with my feelings, the “whys” of them, I still found this article quite profound. Indeed it expresses what I have thought to myself. I was able to share this with some important people in my life that would welcome this explanation. What a blessing it was to find this. Thank you again.

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  45. Pamela  March 1, 2021 at 11:23 am Reply

    Thank you for this post, it brings clarity.
    It helps me understand what my mother is feeling through a different grief.

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    • Genia  May 24, 2021 at 5:29 pm Reply

      I’ve been going through this for 30 years when my Mother passed and my Father passed 10 years ago. It was a complicated relationship with both.. They had a special adult relationship with my brother and sisters who are much older than me. I am the youngest. I never had that special relationship with them and I’ve been angry at them both ever since they died.. It’s important to speak our truth and feelings on this topic. Thank you for writing it.

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    • Chantelle  July 17, 2021 at 11:33 pm Reply

      We feel how we feel. That’s just how it is. You can’t change or be blamed for how you feel.

      Someone once told me “anger is just sandness’ bodyguard”
      Sometimes we choose anger over sadness because to be sad sometimes feels like vulnerability

  46. Emily Cook  February 17, 2021 at 12:01 am Reply

    Hi everyone. I found myself in this situation after losing my dad.

    I’ve set up a Facebook support group so if you found this article useful and want yo talk to people in a similar situation or want to share your story without judgement (or read other similar stories) please join us.

    https://www.facebook.com/groups/865497207643039/?ref=share

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  47. Sam  February 16, 2021 at 5:20 am Reply

    I just discovered that someone I dated over 6 years ago died from an accident 2 weeks ago. This person cheated on me and manipulated me, he left me broken and with trust issues. I kinda hated him for what he did to me and the relationship ended in an ugly way when I knew about all the lies and his real intentions… When I knew that he died.. I felt sadness, I cried and got really confused. I felt guilty for hating him and decided to never hate someone even when they are mean to me… but is that even possible?… Thank you for this article

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    • Isabelle Siegel  February 17, 2021 at 12:13 pm Reply

      Sam, I’m sorry to hear that you’re going through this. I hear that you feel guilty, and recommend you check out these articles: https://whatsyourgrief.com/guilt-and-grief-2/ and https://whatsyourgrief.com/guilt-vs-regret-in-grief/ I completely understand your desire to never feel hatred again. That said, it’s important to let yourself feel whatever it is you need to feel. Don’t be afraid of “negative” emotions. Even hate can serve a purpose. All the best to you.

      • Shervin S Prasad  February 23, 2021 at 9:14 am

        My ex-girlfriend’s sister older sister passed away while she was with my cousin and Reno and the two sisters were going out with me and my cousin and my ex now her older sister and my cousin were still going out and me and my ex broke up and a week or two after we broke up her and her brother had jump me. You called me over wanting to talk about us breaking up and her brother and his friend had jumped and we me and her my ex still stayed in contact and seen each other after the fact and was still cool and her older sister was going out with my cousin and now she died its been 1 week way should I do

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  48. Bea  February 7, 2021 at 8:42 am Reply

    I am dealing with conflicting emotions surrounding what’s going on with someone in my family. Cousin sister figure type of relationship with this person. Our relationship has always been weird even as kids. She seemed to not want anyone to get along. As everyone grew up that didn’t change. This person is now hospitalized and does not have any quality of life. She can’t function and is dependent on a vent. She has severe brain damage is what they’ve told us.

    Years prior to all of this I allowed her to stay with me. I welcomed her and her druggie boyfriend into my home. She lied and said they were just friends but we all are grown My husband and I knew there was something going on with her and the guy. We have kids and we allowed her to share a room with our kids. I let her use my car when she needed and brought her whatever she needed with my own money. After her and her druggie boyfriend stayed for 5-6 months my husband and I couldn’t take it anymore because they were toxic for each other and creating a toxic environment. I couldn’t continue to subject my kids, my husband, and myself to it so it was time for her to go. She moved out and within a few months was talking shit about me and spreading lies. Saying my husband wasn’t the father of my kids, saying that I was cheating on my husband and that our marriage was failing and on the rocks. She spread a whole bunch of lies with the help of her sister. They got together and sent their lies out on text to other members of our family. I had stopped communicating with her after she moved out and I haven’t spoken to her since 2017 because of all her lies and her being sneaky and childish was too much for me. I found out that she spread all those lies because she thought I told that she was pregnant by her druggie boyfriend, whom she seemed ashamed of being with. When in reality he was the one telling people that she was pregnant for him. He was the one who told everyone. She literally could’ve just come to me and asked me did I say it. Because of all the lies she told and because I feel like she used me and stayed with me only to then turn around and spread hateful lies I am having a hard time with what is going on. I do not feel like this is a loss. I don’t like what has happened to her but she was a not a kind hearted person like everyone wants to make it seem. This article helped me feel like I am not alone and a lot of people don’t feel sad and share. She is not dead but in a way she is. I’m glad that I found this article as I was feeling as if I were a bad person for not caring or feeling like this is horrible

    • Isabelle Siegel  February 9, 2021 at 9:30 am Reply

      Bea, I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through this. I hope this article has shown you how normal it is to experience conflicting emotions after a death. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you for feeling this way. All the best to you.

    • Valentina  November 24, 2021 at 8:38 pm Reply

      I recently heard about the death of a girl that I was friends with 11 years ago we had a kinship because we were both rejected by social class status on the island we live a in circle we tried to join in the mommy groups. It didn’t work I really tried to be a good friend I I was a very good friend but she took advantage of it and we separated as far as being friends.
      Recently I learned that she died a terrible death of cancer and for some reason the pictures everything is haunting me I did not go to the funeral I would not have been allowed we separated on a bad term so terrible. Why am I obsessing over her pain I feel terrible she left 3 children . I always thought she was so lucky then she became so mean it was toxic and I had to remove her from my life

  49. S Angga Darmawan  January 31, 2021 at 11:49 am Reply

    My father died last year. September 2020. I’m the eldest son of the family. In 2009, we caught him when he had affair. That was my first year of college. And I said to my mom to leave him. But no since she had heart of gold, we reconcile, give him another chance. Yet, in 2018. We caught him again. My father very temperamental, never call me during my college year, never provide, and basically dont do any job to be a father. So since its second time, I banish him from our home untill my sister and brother can forgive him. This past 2 years, my mom suffer and need confirmation, everything that my father did. Turn out, when we all think he barely make a living from his public servant wage, he still manage to sleep with many prostitute. He told my mom weakness with one of his many mistress. And for this past 10 years, he still have affair with many women. He lied to us. Disgrace our family and hurting us by doing so. I feel betrayed. Anger. All I could do is to protect my family. In 2019 he try asking for forgiveness. Something that I’m sure I can not give. Then he pull the last trick, he just died. Not so long from my grandmother pass away. We keep my dad affair from all our family, so no friends, our big family or colleagues know about what my father did. Not even my deceased grandmother. The rest of the people remember him as a good man. What a joke! I think I can finally let him go. But, until tonight, my anger, hatred toward him still there. I can not forgive him. I thought I can give him a lesson if he life long enough. Give him payback for the things he did to us. And I feel confuse, should I mourn for him? Should I grief? Should I feel relief? And because I don’t know what I feel, this anger affect my relationship with my mother and siblings. I feel they don’t understand me anymore. When I tried to remember the good things about him, my memory stuck in this 2 years timeframe. Is it normal? I need some advice. I rarely deal with my own feeling. And I think I’m losing myself. I’m afraid that I’m turn slowly like him.

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    • Isabelle Siegel  February 1, 2021 at 12:22 pm Reply

      Hi, I’m so sorry for your loss and for the conflicting emotions you must be feeling. I have no concrete answers to your questions, but I can tell you this: You can grieve AND be angry with your father simultaneously. Try to let go of the desire to figure out how you’re feeling… and, instead, just feel it. As far as the feeling of losing yourself is concerned, this is completely normal. I recommend you check out this article: https://whatsyourgrief.com/dont-know-anymore-grief-loss-identity/ All the best to you.

    • Esugo Joy  April 26, 2021 at 6:58 am Reply

      I am in this situation currently, I lost my dad recently. I feel nothing because I have grieved his absence long before he was absent from the world. It seems he had enough love to go round, without me being in the circle. It’s like there is an unfinished business between both of us and I can’t express that to ppl around without being judged

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  50. Pat  January 11, 2021 at 6:35 am Reply

    I am truly conflicted right now,my former partner has died,we have a child together,we had a very complicated relationship, with alot of physical,mental,emotional abuse. There was an awful custody battle where he played dirty to get primary custody of our child.

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    • IsabelleS  January 11, 2021 at 10:58 am Reply

      Pat, I’m sorry to hear you’re going through this. I hope this article has shown you how normal and okay it is to have conflicting feelings after a loss. You are not alone.

    • Emily C  February 17, 2021 at 12:06 am Reply

      Hi Pat. You aren’t alone. If it’s okay to share, I’ve set up a facebook support group for people in a similar situation. If you’d like some support from like-minded people please come along and join and feel free to share your story, or if you would rather just read other people’s stories and feel less alone that’s fine too. Xx

      https://www.facebook.com/groups/865497207643039/?ref=share

    • MollyW  February 27, 2021 at 5:32 am Reply

      Hi Pat, I’m going through a very similar situation right now and am struggling with many feelings. It feels overwhelming at times and I don’t know about you but I feel like my couple of friends are sick of listening to me repeat myself. Here if you think it would be useful, for both of us, to chat. Take care.

  51. Patricia  January 9, 2021 at 12:45 am Reply

    I’m gladly I found this site. My mother recent died. I am the executer if the estate. I am trying to plan a funeral fir my mother on zoom with a minister of her faith. Honestly my mother had few friends and family including me had a difficult relationship with her. The minister must think I am nuts when I can’t really come up with a nice memory to share at funeral about her. I asked others in family snd they can’t think of any found memories of her. She had no real accomplishments in her life. Her hobby east men and more men. Not much of a mother or faithful wife. All I can think of was she was a beautiful woman to look at.
    Loved to dance.
    How am I going to do this? Only memories from family are things like her posing on bear rug bare in her 50s.
    Any suggestions?

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    • Jazzi  April 8, 2021 at 6:01 pm Reply

      Patricia – Your mom was a wild child and for you not to be proud or feel love is why you are here writing. Maybe you already had your service for her – But she did give you life – she bore you and you have a chance to make your own present and future bright on your own terms.. I would suggest (if you haven’t already made a service for her) sticking with her few perky points, and try to make it fun or funny. And feel free to be a bit sarcastic if it helps you blow off some steam.

  52. Camilla  January 6, 2021 at 6:42 pm Reply

    I lost my mother today. She died in a hospital in Norway, I live in England with my husband and 3 children. My eldest son from a previous relationship still lives in Norway and was there with her. My son had a kind of close relationship with her.
    I didn’t. I had a terrible childhood with an abusive father that I was terrified of, and a mother who just wasn’t emotionally available. She has always been very selfish, and my whole life I have tried to please her, make her happy, take her to coffee shops, always taking about her. But it was ever enough. I have no siblings, my father is dead.
    I also suffered sexual abuse from a neighbour.
    She has never been able to talk to me about my problems. I have been diagnosed with complex PTSD.
    I always longed to get something from her, to be validated. But nothing. Due to Covid and lockdown, I couldn’t travel to be there when she was dying.
    I FaceTimed with my daughters. We said that we missed her and loved her ( we don’t), but she said nothing of the sort. She was very weak, didn’t say a lot.
    She died this morning. I feel tormented. I didn’t love her, didn’t phone every day. I have often wished her dead. But now I am overwhelmed and I cry a lot. I also feel numb. My eldest daughter is 19, and said she feels a bit like she was never loved by her, was never good enough for her, she feels guilty as well. The only one to have had a relationship with her was my son. I haven’t slept since I was told that she was dying, and there is so much grief. But so different from what I have heard others talk about when their mothers die. So glad I found this page. What do I do now, how do I cope? I was hoping to feel some feeling of her spirit being with me after she died, but no, still nothing.And I feel so guilty. For not being there, for not phoning often enough. My son told me that she cried 20 min before she died, and I feel that it is my fault, that it is because I am not the daughter I should have been.
    Sincerely,
    Camilla

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    • IsabelleS  January 7, 2021 at 10:46 am Reply

      Camilla, I’m so sorry for your loss and for the struggles you were forced to endure throughout your childhood. I cannot begin to understand the conflicting emotions you are feeling right now… This is so valid given the relationship you had with your mother! It’s completely understandable that your grief would look different than the grief of others who have lost their mothers. In fact, it’s useless to compare grief: https://whatsyourgrief.com/comparing-grief/ The guilt you are experiencing is normal and okay. You may want to check out this article: https://whatsyourgrief.com/guilt-and-grief-2/ I can’t tell you not to feel guilty, but I hope you can move towards forgiving yourself. You did the best you could given the circumstances. All the best.

    • Michelle  January 13, 2021 at 10:03 am Reply

      Camille,
      I feel much the same about my mother that is still living. My step-father (26 years) passed and he has 3 kids, but I was the only one by his side. He treated me terribly when he began to become demented. Then he started to become pitiful, so I felt for him. He was in an automobile accident and suffered multiple traumas, so my mom kept him at home with all kinds of things since he was bedbound. Hospital bed, lift, powered-wheelchair that she could drive from behind, etc. She took great care of him…she’s always loved men. It’s always been men first. I’m a nurse, so I helped take care of him, and it came to a point where I would be incredibly sad because she was oblivious and did everything to keep him alive, simply for her. All of us kids knew it.
      The problem is, since he’s passed (and I was there by his side), I cannot stop thinking about the look on his face his final few minutes. It hurt me so bad. I sang to him. I told him we were all there… and I told him he could just relax (yeah, kind of hard to do when you’re dying) and when he died, my anger intensified to the max for my mother. I don’t know why, but I just began to rage inside. It was all about her loss, and as days passed, she told me I never liked him, and I was always pissed at something he did. She reminded me of all the bad times, and told me that I didn’t deserve one dime of his money (his kids all got a LOT of money, as did she) and I was greedy to wonder why I didn’t get anything.
      I’m deeply disturbed.
      His death brought up old resentments… as she flew through men, the one that adopted me and she was with for 14 years had molested me. I felt the signs were there, and I would never talk to her about it until things blew up. She always wanted details..details…details…or I was just lying about it because I was ” a very vindictive child” – and of course when THAT man died years ago, she had to keep talking about him. She always mentions him like he was just another fleeting man in our lives…who cares that he destroyed mine. She refuses to stop bringing him up just as a memory croses her mind. She doesn’t even care that it makes my stomach hurt to hear his name. She received money from that man, too, and didn’t think I deserved a dime of that either.

      Anyway, I am glad I found this site. I’ve been struggling with how I can fix it with her before she passes. She’s 74, and I’m 46. My son is 12 and he sees the things she says/does to me, and I feel like the dysfunction will cycle for life.

      The state of my country makes my grief even more confusing…but that’s a different site…

      You are not alone, Camille…that was my point. I’ve been grieving the mother I never had for years, and my therapist says I may never have closure with her.

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      • IsabelleS  January 13, 2021 at 12:34 pm

        Michelle, thank you for taking the time to comment and to share your story. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. It sounds as though you are experiencing ambiguous grief, which you can read more about here: https://whatsyourgrief.com/ambiguous-grief-grieving-someone-who-is-still-alive/ and https://whatsyourgrief.com/ambiguous-grief-part-2/ The point is: It’s normal and valid to grieve someone who is still alive. I’m glad to hear you’re seeing a therapist… Is this helping at all? Have you discussed your history of trauma and sexual abuse with your therapist? If not, we can send over some resources via email. You’re not alone in this! All the best to you.

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    • Rose  January 22, 2021 at 6:21 am Reply

      My sister in law recently died. Myself and my family had no relationship with her and her family for years . Everyone else are crying . I don’t have happy memories of her . I do feel sorry for her husband and children.

      • Isabelle Siegel  January 22, 2021 at 10:20 am

        Rose, I’m sorry for your loss. I hope this article has shown you how normal it is to experience conflicting feelings when someone you didn’t necessarily like passes away.

    • jazzi  April 8, 2021 at 6:15 pm Reply

      Camilla,
      To me it sounds like your abusive father might have destroyed much of your mom’s spirit. Forgiving her might help you, as she was unable for whatever reason to give you the love and caring you so desired (and deserved!) – She was likely traumatized herself. If you believe in a higher power, I suggest you pray or ask for peace for yourself.

      I, personally grieve for my mom who was actually very good to me, but never got over an anger issue she had. I’m not sure if it came from being violently abused by my real father (she left him when I was very young) or something else, but I just feel so sad that she would sometimes explode and / or nag either us (me or my sisters) or her later partners to the point of toxic.
      And she died while not working out this issue with her current partner. But in the end, she was a very good mom to me and my sister, but my sis seems to have ‘inherited” mom’s tendency to nitpick and nag and adds belittling to the mix, and does it to me, the way mom did to her partners. It makes me very sad. So that is why I am on this site…

  53. wendy smith  December 27, 2020 at 2:49 pm Reply

    Hi my mum died in Sept 2020, i had a difficult relationship with her as a child and adult, and we sort of started to patch up our differences when she passed. My Da and Younger siblings though turned against me and sent a nasty txt saying non of them wanted me at the funeral despite Covid and wouldnt be talking to me in the future, My sister even said she wouldnt tell me when my Dad eventually would pass.
    So now im dealing with my complicated feelings of missing my mum but not being able to talk about them. Yes im married with my own adult children but it not the same and even though i had a close relationship with my Dad even he now doesnt have the time to chat.
    im a strong person and will hopefully work through my grief but it hurts as if ive now been rejected twice.

  54. Alexa  December 17, 2020 at 10:43 pm Reply

    I suppose no one has the right answer and I find myself continuing to search the web for anyone whose been in my position on what to do because I have so many mixed emotions, and quite frankly I’m lost.
    I have not had a relationship with my father since I was around 10 years old. Him and my mother were divorced and shard joint custody of me and my brother. My grandmother (dads mom) was the glue to our family and once she passed away, my father made no attempt at having a relationship with me. He stopped showing up, would promise me he would be at my soccer game, and never showed, the list goes on and on .18 years later (seen him once at a funeral). He has been an alcoholic my whole life and I have just learned over time, it’s not me..it’s him.
    I have 2 children of my own and have accepted life for what it is, sort of forgot he existed until someone mentions him.
    Here’s where I’m lost. My Uncle has reached out to let me know my father has stage 4 cancer. I don’t know how to feel besides numb. Close friends have told me I need to have closure before he goes, and so I need to go talk to him.
    WHAT DO I DO? Do I let him know what pain he’s caused me? Do I forgive him? What if he has no reaction or remorse? Since I don’t have any expectations from him I can only assume he wont react or show emotion. But then what? Did I get closure?
    I need advice 🙁

    • IsabelleS  December 18, 2020 at 10:16 am Reply

      Alexa, I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through this. You’re right… There is no “right” answer in a situation like this. You have to do what you feel is best for YOU, which I know is a lot easier said than done. Take time to consider what YOU need, not what others say you need. Do you need closure? Do you need to forgive? Do you need to express your anger? Whatever you need is okay. I’m sorry I couldn’t offer more clearcut advice, but I hope this was even a little helpful. Perhaps someone in this community has had a similar experience and would be willing to share their perspective. Best of luck.

    • jazzi  April 8, 2021 at 6:22 pm Reply

      Dear Alexa,
      Alcoholism is a DISEASE just as much as cancer is. If you can keep this in mind, (in case your dad is still alive and you plan to talk with him) it might help you.
      A few tips from Al Anon might help you. You might never get the closure you would like, but keep that in mind, that these people are in a way disabled and NOT ABLE to be what you wish them to be for you.
      I suggest if you believe in a higher power, to ask for help.
      ❤️🙏🏻

    • Heather Richardson  June 19, 2021 at 6:36 pm Reply

      I’m literally in the same boat. I’m 32 and haven’t spoken to my father since I was 17 . He’s been an alcoholic my whole life and the older I got the more I realized it. Now he’s dying from liver failure . My siblings and mom kept pushing me saying I might regret not seeing him etc so I asked my brother to ask him if he wanted to see me . He’s got less than a week to live. He told my brother I had my chance to talk to him years ago and he didn’t want to see me. All the hell he put me through etc I was fine before my family got in my head. For some reason it kinda stung when he said he didn’t want to see me his first born etc i don’t know why but it didn’t. When I was first told he was dying I was perfectly okay never thought twice about then everyone gets in my head telling me how close we were etc and now I’m left with a jumble of messy emotions and I gave him the opportunity to hurt me one last time before he goes . I don’t know what to feel or do

  55. Hytherion  December 7, 2020 at 10:03 pm Reply

    Thank you Litsa for writing your article.

    My heart goes out for all of those who have suffered this kind of relationship.

    Even after the passing of my narcissistic, bullying father almost twenty years ago, unfinished business lingers.

    Conflicting, as we think that if they were alive a resolution could be had, yet the hurt of many years past and childhood instead becomes a fixed entity entrenched in out minds.

    While I recognized many of these faults and strived to be a better parent, we of course, had a bad example. It wasn’t perfect. I wasn’t a perfect parent, but made a vow to not interfere in any of my children’s friendships, and to always make sure that when they were growing up to make sure they got lots of hugs and affection.

    Saying the words “I love you.” to them was a foreign thing never having heard those words from my parents, but we did. Maybe not in a lovey-dovey way but the words at least were uttered when it was important.

    My father tried his best to interfere and drive me away from my girlfriend and disapproved of our marriage so tried his best to control and manipulate his way into not having us be married.

    But we dated and have been married 39 years.

    So I would say this to each of you in this way; If you are here, you have survived and in ways that you are probably unaware of learned to cope and save yourself from some of that hurt.

    Dig deep and see all of those wonderful things that you have done, given others and contributed to your family and society. Maybe jot them down so you can really be proud of these accomplishments in some cases against all odds.

    My father was a perfectionist in his own vision, and I have learned that you don’t have to be perfect, Not in the vision of a parent nor anyone else.

    You don’t have to be perfect in your road to recovery from an estranged loved one. Each of our paths will be a little different. Keep trying!

    Failure is how we learn. If you don’t fail then you are not trying. I bet all through life each of you has pulled themselves up, dusted yourself off, and kept going.

    Keep trying to heal. Little by little you will get there. This article and reading your stories has helped me take a few more small steps.

    My heart goes out to you all, and thank you Litsa Williams for taking the time to compose this amazing article! <3

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    • IsabelleS  December 9, 2020 at 11:23 am Reply

      Thank you for taking the time to comment and to share your perspective! I understand how difficult conflicting feelings about a person can be after their passing.

  56. LQ  December 7, 2020 at 1:02 am Reply

    Thank you for this. It’s been almost 3 months since I found my ex husband dead. He killed himself with the intention of me finding him, knowing I wouldn’t do so until several days had passed in the summer heat.

    Sexual and emotional abuse, addiction, codependency, all were part of our relationship. As were two amazing kids, some good memories, attempts at rehabilitation, battles with mental health issues, and so much more. Almost 25 years of history.

    I have been scouring the web for stories like mine. For people who don’t know what to call this maelstrom of emotions that certainly doesn’t look like grief.

    This is the first, in all these weeks, that has shown me that I’m not alone. I have been feeling so much shame and anger and terror and it’s all mixed up with these feelings of WHY couldn’t he just be ok, for them (the kids)? I know he loved them, so…. I am just lost. I don’t sleep, I haven’t cried. I’m trying. I got my kids and I out of living with him 7 years ago, but we were always still at the whims of his addictions and attempts to be better, holding out hope that he could be a good dad someday. So…. this does not look like a “loss of a loved one” for me. It’s relief that we are free, and grief for what could have been, perhaps.

    I’m just grateful, at this moment, that I’m not alone in these feelings.

    • IsabelleS  December 7, 2020 at 10:11 am Reply

      Hi, I’m so sorry to hear that you’re going through this. I’m glad that this article has helped show you that you’re not alone in what you are experiencing. The conflicting emotions you are feeling are so normal and valid given the type of relationship you had with your ex-husband. I hope this website/community continues to help you. All the best!

  57. Cookie  December 2, 2020 at 5:52 pm Reply

    At 63 years of age, I wasn’t looking for a monogamous relationship and had my share of male friends who would escort me to various functions so I wouldn’t always have to go stag, then he showed, My 64 y/o widower. I knew him and his wife a year before she died and a month after the funeral he asked me out. It wasn’t a big deal, because he was now single and he swept me off my feet for a whole year. He took care things I needed fixing around the house, yes including me, he bought me things because he felt I would like them, we went dancing together, saw friends, met family members, ate meals and binged on TV during COVID and 90% of my life was filled with laughter and serenity. 10% of my gut kept pulling at me about the other women that called him on the regular and his “close” relationship with his 23 y/o adopted daughter who lived at the house with him. I asked him about these various women and he always stated that they were “just friends” and I was his woman and shouldn’t worry about them. Not once when I needed him or we wanted to go out did I have a problem with him not being there for me and the loving was good. There was one woman in particular, that kept in touch more than I was comfortable with and told him so as I also knew her from our dance classes and she was very mean to me and others. I noticed strange things about him and his daughters behavior and the way they communicated that kinda threw me and when I would say what I noticed or heard, he claimed it was nothing and I asked me “why I would think he would do something like that”, of course I buckled and stop asking but I ALWAYS had my eyes open and listened very carefully. Lets advance to his death day 12 October, he had been sick for a whole week, non-COVID, and I told him I was coming over that Monday to
    check him out as I am a nurse, but when I got over there, his girlfriend, as she told me, wouldn’t let me in so I started to drive away. I tried for over a half-hour and as I was leaving he called from his phone and sounded really weak. He voice told me he was in trouble so I headed back to his house and still, she wouldn’t answer the door, even paraded around the house so I could see her shadow. I called his daughter thinking she was in the house and she actually was not home but showed up 20 minutes later. I explained to her that her dad was sick and he needed to go to the hospital so when she was able to get in the house, I followed her and guess who was there, my enemy! We, or rather me, started fighting because I was so angry at her; and where was he??? just sitting on the steps looking pathetic and he didnt say a word. I realize now that he was probably in the beginning stages of having a heart attack. Well, after she finished blurting out things about him and my relationship, I ended up leaving because her and the daughter stated they were calling the police. Before I left, I told him that I was gone, he could have her and he was to never get in contact with me again (It wasnt this clean but you get the message). One and half hours later, his daughter called and stated he died in the ambulance from a cardiac arrest and if I wanted to see his body,
    of course I went. I was depressed for a whole week and lost 20 pounds and my older children and grandchildren nursed me back to functional. I’m much better now but I’ve actually talked to his other woman, they contacted me, about their adventures with him on the phone and some even sent pictures, devastated. I’ve often wondered what my mortal enemy was doing there, and after putting my memory together about the things involving his his daughter, I do believe they were being inappropriate with each other. I am so angry because I felt used by him and he used me as a decoy to treat his daughter like his woman, I’m angry because he was connected to my enemy and told her our secrets knowing how much I hated her and I’m angry because he died without explaining anything to me. Its strange how I could have cared for someone that I hate now and if he could come back, and I knew what I know now, I would run, not walk away as fast as I can. Whew! Done but I had to get it out because I keep thinking of the worst of him and loosing memories of the best of him. Yes, I liked the man that I now hate the most.

    • IsabelleS  December 3, 2020 at 12:15 pm Reply

      I’m sorry for your loss. This situation sounds immensely complicated, but it seems as though you are handling it well. I understand that you must be feeling very conflicting emotions right now… Please know that that is so normal and okay! All the best to you.

  58. Rachael Thirney  November 25, 2020 at 4:34 am Reply

    Recently my sister passed (56)Me and her live here and our other 7 siblings are in another country. I was good friends with her 1st husband (who passed 4 years ago) & I loved their 6 children with all my heart. I had known these kids all their lives who are now parents. My 5 kids and my sisters kids are very close.

    For over 20 years our relationship began to deteriorated. My sister physically hurt 2 of my children, broke into my house & stole from me, I lost my job because of her, she stole my identity for fraudulence, I had cops visiting me, she lied all the time, very hurtful lies, this is just a few of the things that happened over 20 years. My sister was violent abusive a screamer stressful manipulative threatening, she hurt many people, family friends strangersI think she tried to be a good person sometimes.

    I began not visiting or taking to my sister, but her children would include me in their family gatherings, & so I would be respectful for their sake, I’d say hello to my sister, that was it.

    I hadn’t seen my sister for nearly a year before she passed. And I didn’t know she had cancer, it was only by her daughter posting a picture on FB was how I found out. After speaking to my niece she confirmed that my sister had cancer, but said she seemed to be getting better.
    4 weeks later she died & I hadn’t been to see her. I found out 4 days after she had died, from my siblings in another country.

    My Neice said her mum (my sis) only wanted them and her grandchildren at her funeral so me & my kids were not welcome. No one went…no one was told I’m so hurt angry crying all the time, I’m confused about my emotions, Im hurt by the kids cause I’ve always supported and loved them & they do this.

    I need your input, has anyone been through this? this is very strange for me, I never hated my sis, but I feel I’m being judged and punished by her kids. it’s like they carried on their mother’s torment & resentment.

    I’m sad we didn’t get to mend things
    I’m sad my sis couldn’t reach out to me I would’ve come
    I’m angry at me for not going to my sis as soon as I knew
    I’m sad our issues were passed to her children
    I’m angry the kids judged me, I’ve loved them all their lives
    I understand now, my sis would’ve been scared, hurt I didn’t visit, lonely
    I’m not quite sure who I’m grieving for though, I don’t feel entitled to grieve.
    My relationship is not the same with my nieces & nephews so it’s like a double loss.

  59. Brenda  October 15, 2020 at 7:52 pm Reply

    This article hit home with me. I had a love-dislike relationship with my father who married an evil woman after divorcing my mom and he later died an alcoholic. He was my childhood hero even though he verbally and emotionally abused other members of my family. He did not abuse me personally although he was an unpleasant, angry, emotionally distant man in general. He had a temper!! I was prepared to be disinherited because of the awful woman he married and her family basically brainwashing him and being in closer physical proximity to him. I do really grieve what a pathetic mess he became as an alcoholic and our lack of a relationship as a result. Plus he was sequestered away from me by his wife. I wasn’t even told he had died until I called to try to speak with him 12 days later. I will never receive even a trinket possession to remember him by. I will never be invited to attend his funeral even virtually or know when it’s held, if ever. I am an only child and have no one to speak to about this except my husband who doesn’t understand. So thank you for this article about regrets, unfinished business, complicated relationships and just a feeling of being abandoned and unfairly treated by my dad’s second wife and family. I blame him because he loved them more and let them take him over, apparently. Or he was just a sad old drunk. Either way it’s tragic. They gave him the alcohol too when he couldn’t get it himself. That’s unforgivable in my opinion. Anyway, I’m glad to know I’m not alone. I hope that my mourning for what could and should have been gets easier with time.

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    • Lynn  November 6, 2020 at 10:17 pm Reply

      Hi Brenda – I too just lost my dad, same situation as yours, he left my mom 10 years ago and lived further away because that’s what “she” wanted, Christmas’s birthdays births of my children all not acknowledged I feel because of her influence. My dad also had a problem with alcohol and depression and I think he was just brainwashed by her. Nothing was left in the will for his children which really hurts. I loved my dad although at times I did not like the person he was (which makes me feel guilty saying) he was horrible to my mom verbally and mentally abusive and very angry growing up. It has been very hard since his death because you do have all these mixed feelings, if it was only grief you were feeling, it might be easier in some senses to process that one emotion. Its also been hard hearing people say what a great guy he was because he wasn’t always that “great guy” to the people that should mean the most. I think too it sounds like we grieve the relationship it could have been. I know that’s how I feel. I really hope you feel better soon and I hope this gives you some peace that you are not alone in your feelings. Feel free to comment back and take care.

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      • Brenda  November 12, 2020 at 8:17 pm

        Lynn, Thank you for your insightful and compassionate comment. You do understand…. I do have unfinished business with my dad and anger at him and my stepmother that will never be resolved. I’m trying to process, forget about it and move on. It’s hard though. Your kind words help but the hurt of being relegated a “nothing” by my dad and his second wife and family lingers. I have never been treated like this. It’s rather a shock. I want to ask why and how could you?? But it’s too late. So I reassure myself that I am a good person with worth and I’m better than them. I’d never treat another person like this. Getting over the shock and hurt, but it’s easier knowing I’m not alone. Thanks again for writing and wishing all the best to you! Blessings….

  60. Yo  September 28, 2020 at 7:01 am Reply

    My husband of 13 years passed away on 9/4/20 and I knew about the affair. He is 62 and he fell for a 24 year old girl. He even wanted to marry her. He was always secretive about his I sort of knew that. I tried to get him help but he would no. I knew he was afraid. He swore to me They had broken up w her. after about a month I i discovered he was still seeing her. Well, after he passed My brothers and I found out he had spent most of our inheritance, he He was hiring postures and givens theM gifts flowers, dinner, expensive gifts and cash. He secretly taped them while having sex. It was upsetting but I knew he couldn’t hurt me anymore and I started to feel relief. I realized how much control over me and how clever and deviant he was. I thought about his afterlife and what God would have said to him because he was lying, spending, it made me angry but now i have let him go and realized how selfish he was and that he dint love me ever. I feel for him because he sinned against me and God. May God have mercy on his soul.

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    • Banan  November 15, 2020 at 1:00 pm Reply

      What’s the situation now!
      Ihope you did the right thing

  61. M  September 20, 2020 at 9:15 am Reply

    PLEASE, PLEASE, HELP!! I need advice b4 it’s too late…. My Dad is dying, Very soon…. I am the youngest of 5 Kids but CERTAINLY NOT the ‘spoiled one’…. Both My Parents r Alive & in their 80’s…. I want to ask Both of My Parents some ‘why’ questions…. Examples: It is Important for My Parents to clean their apt on Mondays…. Yes, it has to b on Mondays, for whatever reason IDK, butya, Mondays…. Since 4 out of Us 5 Kids r there to help with diaper changes, catheter bag being empied or switched over to night bag, meal prep, wheel-chair transfers from bed to recliner, etc…. My Dad STERNLY asks ‘just’ My Brother & I, if We r cleaning their apt on Mondays…. Very Nicely I said, “If it is …. (Brother’s Name) & I taking care of U on Monday, then yes…. But if it is the other 2, then they can clean it”…. My Dad’s mean response was, “I’m not gonna ask …. & …. to clean it”…. I asked why, I Never got an answer…. My 87lb; 83 yr old Mum confessed that She feels a huge weight off Her shoulders knowing one of Us Kids will b there in the morning at 8 & one of Us will b there until at least 8PM…. Well, My Brother & I do this & We split the day shift…. The other 2 Sisters show up at maybe 10 or 11 AM & stay to like 4 or 5 PM…. This means My weak little Mum struggles to push the wheel-chair around & can’t even take Her morning shower in Peace bc She is Always listening for My Dad or the phone…. Since My Brother & I had been labelled ‘Bossy’ thru-out this ordeal, We told My Parents that Ur going to have to tell the other 2, to which they said they will, but CAN’T…. Another why question…. It’s to the point that My Mum now wants Us Kids to stay thru the night…. My Brother was the first one to stay the night, for the first 5 nights My Dad got Home from the Hospital to die…. Since then My Mum felt comfortable enough that it didn’t need to continue, but We r there again, at this point in My Dad’s final days…. So…. the other night at 1:30AM, My Mum calls bc of a catheter issue & weird noises My Dad was making…. We Both go over, check out issue & My Brother stays the night, so My Mum isn’t scared…. I go back Home, yet Both My Brother & I had Very little sleep & also, it was Our turn that day to do the split shifts…. Since My Brother was alreay there, He was the early shift & I was the later one…. Yes, We were tired but…. We did it…. My Dad could not get out of bed that day, but still had needs to b done…. However, while My Mum was eating Her dinner, She says, “I think I’d like someone to stay the night”…. I Nicely respond, “Well Mum, I need some sleep & …. (Brother) went Home to crash & finally gt some sleep…. U r going to have to ask …. or ….” She doesn’t say anything…. I said, “R U going to ask one of them”….?? She said She would & since I could tell She wasn’t going to, I ask Her to Promise…. She couldn’t…. She then suddenly changed Her mind & said She actually wanted to b alone…. WHY….?? WHY….?? WHY….?? These r just a few of the MANY things My Brother & I go thru, yet We r the dirty-shirts, the trouble-makers, the Big-Mouths…. My Brother & I take notes to the little things & We hear Our Parents needs & wants…. The other 2 don’t, yet My Parents don’t say a word to them & treatthem like Queens…. My question to U is: Do I Nicely say something to My Parents b4 it’s too late…. I need to b at Peace with Myself too, after they r gone….

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    • Banan  November 15, 2020 at 12:39 pm Reply

      What’s the situation now, I hope you did the right thing

  62. Elissa Marie Fitzgerald  September 6, 2020 at 8:13 am Reply

    My mother in law passed away 5/5/2020. As a send off gift to me, I was the lucky one to have found her dead in her condo. She was absolutely jealous of me, and incredibly mean to me. She had accused me of stealing, lying, and being a cheat. She also assaulted me in my own home, and her son, “the love of my life”, did nothing. She would call 25 times a day, and text 30. To both him and I. Yes, I would ignore her and so would he, because we knew she would be on one of her kicks…trying to start a fight. Trying to get him and I to fight. She’s even tried from the beginning to say he has other women, etc. She has bad mouthed me to his other family members. She has even gone so far to as actually labeled me as a witch, who casts spells! And I put curses on people! I know this sounds all nuts to normal people like you and I, but this was seriously going on. And here’s the kicker- my boyfriend STILL sometimes thinks that I am a witch, and I cursed him to have foot problems… fml. She also along the way at some point said that she thought I was poisoning her son and his dog, Wrigley… I mean, come on. I’m hoping at this point, the family members are realizing that she’s a crazy, nutty bitch that needs psychiatric care..? No.
    My boyfriend will sometimes ask what I put in his food, or when I lay down two plates for the dogs, he’ll make me switch them, so I give his dog’s plate to my dog and my dog’s plate to his dog…
    I’m not making this shit up.
    So now that she is dead and gone, I’m still dealing with the aftermath and tornado of BS she has left behind.
    Without my permission, or even mentioned it, he and his sister, at the funeral home, had made arrangements to have his sister and her husband and seven kid’s, and my boyfriends name AND MINE, along with his dogs name embroidered in the silk upper part of the coffin. MY NAME. I seriously about choked. I would have never been okay with that.
    And did i mention, I found her deceased? So, I have to carry that image and and emotional baggage around for the rest of my life. I’m glad in a way that it was me that found her and not him…but gah! I will never get that imagery out of my head. Thanks alot.
    I tried to be civil with this woman. She would invite us up for supper,and everything went well, and on the way home, he or I would get a text saying, something like, “I do not think that you should ever come here again, henceforth I am requesting that you no longer come onto my property”. Then two days later, “come up for some brownies!” …so confusing.
    Idk what to say, other than, idk how to feel about her gone. I wish I would have stuck up for myself a little more. And yelled and screamed at her. Put her in her place.
    Now, I feel like his family hates me, because she, without reason, hated me.
    And because my boyfriend knows I disliked her, he has even accused me of murder…. I know. I know. I should leave him..right? Anyone else would, but I think its part of his blaming stage of grief…idk.
    So, I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt.
    And he wonders why I’m not sleeping with him anymore…

    Umm, I poison you, I poison your dog, I’m a witch, I’m a murderer, I’m a theif, I cast spells, and I’m a liar.

    Can I get some advice here?
    Anyone?
    Please.

    • compassion  October 28, 2020 at 11:34 am Reply

      This sounds very unhealthy for you, if he has truly believed what she said and is treating you that way, why would either of you want to stay together? Have you considered couples counseling to work through untangling the effect she has had on your relationship? Your boyfriend is grieving but you are too, counseling is something that could help work through the complicated feelings. I hope you’re doing well.

  63. Maggie  August 22, 2020 at 11:02 pm Reply

    My estranged husband was found dead by a neighbor. He might have taken his own life. He was an alcoholic and abused me physically and emotionally. I tried to help him with his addiction. He rejected help. I am now having to sort through his belongings, organize his funeral and sell his house. I am confused by my feelings, in some ways I hated him and relieved he has gone. I feel cheated out of my marriage. Yet feel sad that he has gone and I will never see him again.

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    • Anne  August 26, 2020 at 2:51 am Reply

      My brother died 3 weeks ago. He & I were never close. He struggled with addiction disease from age 12 until his death (68 yrs old). I loved him, but I did not like him (truth be told, my love for him had worn very thin, so many bridges had been burned). He called me once or twice a year. I’m his “next of kin,” we had no other siblings, both our parents are dead, he was divorced, he had no kids. I asked other members of our family (aunt, uncle, cousins) if they would handle his affairs, but no one can do it (he had estranged relationships with those family members, too). So the County will handle things. I thought I would feel relief if he died before me, but I do not feel relief. I just feel sad. I also feel some guilt that I am not “stepping up” to handle his affairs, but I cannot do that, it would be too stressful, & I need to take care of myself. I found this article, and comments, helpful. For everyone visiting here, I wish you peace in your journey through seemingly conflicting emotions. There is no “right” or “wrong” way to feel.

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      • Emily  February 17, 2021 at 12:20 am

        Hi Anne and Maggie. Your feeling of confusion are perfectly normal.

        I have set up a Facebook group for people in a similar situation if you’d like to speak to like-minded people without judgement? It’s a space to say what you need to and help untangle your complex feelings.

        https://www.facebook.com/groups/865497207643039/?ref=share

  64. John  August 21, 2020 at 4:20 pm Reply

    I just lost my girlfriend Claudia today 8/20/2020…in the beginning it was sweet..she was my Italian princess..but many years later we found out she was more English and Scottish… through ansestry, go figure. Our rough relationship was basically after an abortion that almost killed her. From then on it was fights..some slightly violent and vacations & restaurants & forgive me times. She truly had no where to go..& I housed her and her daughter & was somewhat generous…all her stuff is in my house & I’m taking care of all costs and funeral arrangements..her daughter has my will..she gets everything if I pass..I’m left with 10 cats..which is part of my doing…she gave me the love of animals…I’m grieving hard ..have guilt & shame..but I’m doing the right thing to honor Claudia…Rip baby.. please forgive me…

  65. Amy Novotny  August 19, 2020 at 4:10 pm Reply

    My mom passed away June 4th 2020 to say the least our relationship was strained hard and down right dranning. But she was my mom for 42 years and i do know she loved me and i loved her. Our relationship was abusive controlling and very hard she didn’t get her way she let me have it. But i still tried so hard I know she loved my kids and she loved them like she should have loved her daughter. Right now i’m being racked with this grief and tears and I’m afraid of pushing everyone away just like my mom did… I’m scared and i want this to stop How can i move on if I’m just stuck here and I’m scared to move or feel because I will make someone mad. I just want support I want to be heard with out judgement let me cry let me scream let me be..I don’t want to loose anybody most of all myself. This pain has to get better or i will break just like humpty dumpty did and I’m afraid i wont be able to put myself back together again. I love and adore my kids they are my reason for getting up every single day!!!

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    • Heather  August 28, 2020 at 11:06 am Reply

      Dear Amy
      Please speak to someone, maybe your doctor, or someone who can help you. My heart is breaking for you. I lost my mum about 6 weeks ago. I was with her for the last 4 weeks of her life and it was so hard. I don’t think Mum ever loved me and she was always so hurtful and horrible to me. She took great delight in telling people how much of a disappointment I was to her and how ashamed she was of me, even though I have always done well for myself. I spent my life, 53 years, trying to be good enough and to make her love me. It’s the strangest feeling in the world to know that she can never hurt me again and I’m just too scared to believe that. I don’t mean I’m glad she is gone, I’m too nice a person to think that, but I do feel a sad sense of relief. Amy, your pain scares me. Please speak to your doctor. I’m sending you love and hugs xxx

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  66. john g.  August 2, 2020 at 9:38 am Reply

    I still have great unresolved dislike for my late mother in law. Although I cannot find it in my heart to say that I am glad she is dead, I very deeply regret my not speaking up and telling her off when she was alive. Instead in the name of peace in the family I allowed my self to be disrespected and took literally thirty five years of nonsense. I should have asserted myself very early in the relationship. Lesson learned: there is no benefit to being an emotional punching bag and peace in the family must be earned by everyone involved. It is not one person’s responsibility, it is a shared one.

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  67. Lucy R  June 26, 2020 at 4:53 pm Reply

    My uncle passed away 2 weeks ago and his funeral was today. I did not go as I am out of state and I made a promise to never attend his funeral years ago.
    He was a dishonorable man, who negatively affected my family due to his selfish actions. He was a former law enforcement officer who after he retired early was arrested and charged for stalking and harassing an ex-girlfriend. He had a tumultuous relationship with her for decades, starting when he left his 1st wife for her(She was also the wife’s former friend)decades ago. He couldn’t stand the fact that she eventually left him. The whole trial period was tough one as my mom and his siblings were often together supporting him even though he was in the wrong. My parents even put our home up for his bail. I remember this period being tough as I needed my mom to be home (she has apologized for being absent during this time).
    My uncle also was also void of charm, charity, kindness, and not friendly. He never made a point to talk to or acknowledge me or my siblings. I know my mom will miss him. But I say good riddance.

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  68. June  June 25, 2020 at 2:40 pm Reply

    My husband passed away recently. He had asbergers but his family’s denial of this has caused untold pain for my husband over many years. I see how he was brought up and the learning issues he had as a child but he fell into the masculine trap of not declaring his feelings and he always thought emotions were a weakness. His death was traumatic for all but more so due to the actions of his family. Partly due to his cancer my husband took out his pain by psychologically and emotionally abusing myself and my boys for several years. I knew he was depressed and could not cope and we did what we could to help him but maybe he never could see it. His family constantly refused to help and we know now they were turning him against us- how can you win? To make matters worse he lied about us at the end saying we had never helped him and neglected him. His family believed it and then started a never-ending stream of harassment and abuse. I am questioning a lot in our marriage now and see that the abusive nature was always there..We are left with a very complicated and painfully unresolved situation to process.

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  69. Anna  June 22, 2020 at 7:03 pm Reply

    Yesterday was Father’s day and I was scrolling through Facebook and came across a post my cousin uploaded on her page honoring her deceased father. I’ve read several of her posts about him and I’m sure he was a good father to her and her sisters and a good grandfather to his grandchildren but to me, he always seemed cold and distant. I remember being somewhat afraid of him actually. I didn’t particularly like going to visit my aunt’s house because when her grandchildren, my little cousins were there and I would play with them, he would always yell at me. I always felt that I needed to tread carefully around him. He actually even hit me once. He passed away some years ago, and when I found out, my initial reaction was disbelief, but afterward, I did feel relief. I felt guilty because I also didn’t say anything or offer condolences because I honestly didn’t know what to say about it. I never told anybody about this, so, I’ve just carried with me and at times, this baggage does make me feel sad and guilty but reading this article did make me feel a little bit better.

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  70. Sam Wellow  June 14, 2020 at 9:42 pm Reply

    I just found out that an ex of mine died two months ago. During our two year relationship, he was emotionally manipulative and jealous of my friendships outside our relationship. The relationship ended in him cheating on me, which I only found out about through a friend. I tried to call him and had to break up with him over text, to which he never responded. I never got back art I had left at his house, or a watch he had promised to repair and never did. It’s been over four years since the relationship ended, and while I never missed him I felt a loss of closure. He never acknowledged that he cheated, or that I ended things with him. He just cheated and erased me from his life. Since then I’ve had countless nightmares that we’re still together. It just never got its proper send-off.
    Today I looked up his name. A song made me think of him, and I got annoyed, and wanted to find an annoying tweet or facebook post of his to read and feel better about myself. Instead I came across his obituary.
    I don’t really know how to feel. I’m sorry for his family. He was young, only 23. I don’t know how he died. I never intended to re-connect but I imagined I would find closure at some point. I don’t know what closure looks like now.

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  71. Juky50  May 21, 2020 at 11:30 am Reply

    Thank you for this post, I find some comfort reading the différent stories. This is mine :

    My mom has been dating this guy for 6 or 7 years now. She had experienced an unhealthy relationship with a narcissitic pervert she fortunatelly got rid of, and met this guy some time later. When I first heard of him we were away on holidays with my mom and he called in the middle of the night to say he had left his then girlfriend and had nowhere to go. He offered to come join us but eventually got the keys of our flat from a neighboor and settled there while we were away. Just like that, a stranger had settled in my home. I must say at first cohabitation wasn’t that bad and I think for a time I actually liked him. Then I grew up. Gradually, I understood he wasn’t a healthy person either. My sister, who is 6 years older than me, had huge clashes with him when she came home, about how he was and treated my mother. He was childish, narrow minded, extremely jealous, paranoïd, would put a huge moral pressure on my mother. He was also an alcoholic and was terrible when drunk. Because of him several of my mom’s friends had stopped seing her. It was hard to see her endure all that. I am not sure whether she actually loved him or was just okay with it because she was tired of being alone and working 70 hours a week not for much and found it convenient to have someone to help her now and then (which is not healthy either). Probably a mix of both.
    Time passes, come my last year of highschool. I end up considering for various reasons my mom’s place isn’t best suited for a student and decide to permanently move in my father’s place (which is 5 minutes away). It was a very hard decision for me, and I was heartbroken to take it because I love my mom so much and she does her best for us and it was like rejecting all the efforts she made. But even if I know she was sad she understood me.
    The following year, I move to another city. One day I come back, we have dinner together my mom, her partner and I. During the dinner, I suggest her I would like we spend time just the two of us together because we didn’t have the opportunity much. Her boyfriend directly feels very jealous and possessive and tells me he also wants to spend Time with her (which he does often), that I am the one to blame for it, I am the one who chose to leave her. I am really hurt by those words, knowing his being around was a main reason why I didn’t feel comfortable anymore. Begins a sharp clash where both of us tell the other their truths, and I end up saying something very mean, that to me he is the representation of mediocrity and of all that I hate in a person, which got him out if his nerves and made him turn quite violent (he punched my door violently and left the house).

    Some time has passed now. For a time I didn’t regretted those words because I hated so much how he poisonned my mother’s life and he had hurt me so much I wanted to hurt him back. But I have come to understand he actually was very affected by my words, and having experienced myself how mean words can leave a stamp on you, I realised he didn’t merit those words. Actually no human being does. He has his flaws, and I do not forgive him for all that he did, but he has had a very complicated life and I was not helping it. I have been thinking about this épisode a lot, deeply regret it and Hope to find the moment and courage to look him in the eyes and tell him I am honestly sorry.
    Today, I have learnt he intended to commit suicide last week. He is now at the hospital. My mother can’t stand him and his complicated life anymore and finally wants to turn the page. Me, I am very shaken by this news. Even if I briefly apologised once and we’re now on cordial terms, I still feel very guilty for what I told him and can’t stop thinking I contributed to his unhappiness which eventually lead him to attempt to take his life. He was a disturbed man before he knew us but even if we couldn’t help not accepting him my sister and I (well we did accept him a Time at the beginning but it was not possible anymore after a while), I feel very guilty. Like who am I to even dislike someone and tell him he isn’t worth being with us. Now, whatever it takes, I will make him an apology before it is too late, tell him I don’t believe now in the words I once said and that I am so sorry I even pronounced them. Else I will regret all my life not to have repaired this fault.

    • Scott  October 14, 2020 at 5:55 pm Reply

      I have lived this life and wud love to tell you my story x god bless and I really feel for you

  72. A K  May 12, 2020 at 1:31 pm Reply

    My father died 12 years ago, and only now is my body allowing itself to grieve, because perhaps it has taken me this long to be “ready” to walk myself through. It’s so complicated, because in a sense, I had lost and grieved my father already in the years before he actually died, when I felt I lost the father I wished I had. I came out to him at age 16 and he responded without the love I was seeking. In response I wanted to take away his role of being a father, and this punishment never got through to him. I withdrew emotionally, but he kept “being positive” about it, saying I was just a “typical” teenager having a hard time communicating. With all the rage of a hurt child, I attempted to live involving him as minimally as possible. I cut myself off emotionally, but never financially, and I turned our relationship into simply asking him for money when I needed it. When he died of cancer when I was 26, i was relieved, and I inherited his money. The wound he caused when I was a teenager, and my unskilled response to this trauma, has had detrimental effects throughout the years on my own life. At age 38, I am not a success in life. I feel stuck and unable to achieve/build a career, unable to have romantic relationships and basically unable to grow into adulthood. Perhaps being so sick and tired of being held back all these years has made me realize it was my anger and resentment towards him that I can’t let go of. I need to forgive him, and I need to forgive myself, otherwise I’ll be in the same lonely place 20 years from now too. It starts with recognizing my grief. To this day I wonder why I have never cried because of my dad’s death. Perhaps because this enraged, hurt “typical” 16 year old feels that I “won” if I don’t cry. It means I will never have to admit he was good to me and that I loved him. But my experience thus far is basically telling me I will destroy myself and any chance of personal happiness in the process. Now I know I “should” forgive but i can’t do it at the snap of the finger. The only way out is through, but my mind is always trying to come up with ways to bypass any feeling of tenderness towards my father.

  73. J  May 11, 2020 at 7:52 am Reply

    My dad was an educated, funny and kind man.. to everyone but me. I always felt he didnt care about me. My mom and him divorced when I was 3. My brothers and sisters grew up with him. I grew up with a loving stepdad. I don’t know if he was jealous that I admired another father figure… or he resented me for another reason. Either way.. I grew up without a connection. He eventually got cancer when I was 26 and held on for 4 more years. During the end… I knew death was inevitable and I wanted to mend our relationship.. but I felt he didn’t care. I actually visited him the morning he passed. I bought him a real big breakfast that he ate. We watched some tv and then he started coughing uncontrollably. I tended to him and he screamed that he wanted my nephew. I understood that he didn’t want me by him when he knew it was the end. This hurt me so much. What did I do to him? Is it possible for a father to just simply not like his child? How did I grow up without a connection at all? To my brothers and sisters he was this funny, smart man who was always there for them and his clients (he was apparently an amazing counselor) how could he be there for all these other kids and not see how much pain and help I needed growing up and becoming a young adult? All I ever got was looks of disgust and words so sharp it literally tore me apart. I confided in my sister who disagrees.. she said he wasn’t like that to me, he only thought “I could do better in life.” I know how I felt is true. And I don’t know how to move on from his death. I wanted to fix it before he passed and I know I could’ve tried harder, but I was torn between that and wondering if he was even worth it. Now, a few months later, I regret not being the bigger person and trying harder.

  74. Sujii Mae  May 5, 2020 at 3:59 am Reply

    I lost brother because of depression, before he committed it. We had a big fight, he attacked me even though I know he didn’t mean it to happen. He has been like this for years, I am also having a rough time with our family to put together. I am frustrated because he always lock himself in his bedroom and trying my best to make him leave that room. But, in trying to make him leave that room, he got mad and hurt me, my aunt was there so he prevent him in choking me more and just left some bruises. I lushed out so bad, I end up saying nasty things, letting all my frustration to him and left him for awhile because my aunt is afraid of what he can do to me. But… when i got home.. he is no longer.. alive.. and i caused his death… I hated him till his last breathe, and i dont know what to do… because the guilt is drowning me …

    • Shelly  October 10, 2020 at 12:50 am Reply

      You know the truth of your experience. Sometimes a person will find a target for their inner anger and frustration and reserve those for that person-subconsciously or not. Meanwhile, they treat others completely different.

      It was always about him and speaks to who he was and not you. You didn’t deserve that and I hope you find peace, joy and all the love you deserve going forward.

      Know that you are not alone in this experience.

  75. Haidee  May 4, 2020 at 1:54 am Reply

    My dad died 10 days ago. He was a very angry, ignorant man. Did everything he could to insult and mock people who were closest to him. As a young man he was violent and threatening.

    I know he had a very difficult and sad childhood, but he continued it into mine and my sisters. Took his anger and frustration out on us and everyone around him who was kind to him. Yet to people who never really got to know him, he was a gentleman, funny, generous and could be quite sensitive.

    We repeatedly warned him that if he didn’t change his behavior towards us we would have no more to do with him, but the abusiveness continued or was ramped up. He got older, his health went into decline but it didn’t make a difference.

    In the last few years of his life I had to distance myself from him as I couldn’t deal with the emotional impact of his nastiness.

    He knew he was dying but could not find it in himself to be even a little less unpleasant.

    Now he’s gone and I’m very mixed up. I don’t know how to feel. I’m angry, sad, and empty all at once. None of this is my fault yet I feel so guilty. I don’t know how to process this.

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  76. Tammy Ackiss  April 4, 2020 at 4:17 pm Reply

    My sisters boyfriend committed suicide Thursday. He was the most selfish person I had ever met. He was cruel and emotionally abusive to my sister. He was an unemployed, drug addicted and alcoholic. He lived with my sister without contributing to household expenses. He would lie and steal her money, car keys and prescription medications to feed his habits . He would lock her out of her house when he lost something as simple as his glasses or phone. A few months ago I set a boundary because I could no longer watch him suck the life out of her and her talk about “when he’s sober, he’s such a good person”. My sister happily accepted me distancing myself. No
    Now that her “her Robbie” is gone she says she is so glad I am there to take care of her. She is talks about him like he was a saint with a beautiful spirit and heart. What a loving father he was to the daughter he abandoned and never contributed to and even denied paternity of. I simply cannot take it. I have had to remove myself from helping her grieve. I simply cannot do it. I cannot be sad. I am relieved that he is gone but I know my sister will immortalize him and believe her version of him.
    I know he was a tortured soul but he was mean and cruel and drove a wedge between my sister and I that may never be repaired…. I working on letting go but today is a struggle.

  77. Ashleigh  March 9, 2020 at 1:16 pm Reply

    My brothers father died this past Saturday. He and my mother never married but were together for 20 years or so. He was a verbally abusive asshole. From the first time we met him I was afraid. My mother gathered us from grandma, i was in the 2nd grade, my brother was in kindergarten. He picked us all up from the airport, that same day I dropped a ball, I think it was an 8-ball, on the coffee table, it was a base table with to parts that swiveled out, this was like 1992, and I broke one of swivel parts. Mind you it was already broken for something like that to break it off, he yelled at me and my brother, fixed it and took some change I had. I had never experienced anything like that in my life. From that day forward it just got worse, with good spots but still depressing and scary. My mom had two kids with him, and my sister that was a baby when they met, he loved my sister a lot and treated her nice her whole life, but he treat me and my brother like we weren’t his kid, especially my brother, he treated him the worse. My mom worked a lot and we never told her all the awful things he’d say to us or how he made us feel. He was treating her just as bad, he would hit her and berate her. He never held a job for long and she provided for all of us. They always fought, unless he was drunk or high and he was actually nice. I’ve blocked so much of this out. Because in all of the bad he did good too. He was a textbook of being a victim of your environment. We all make our choices and he was never able to shake the dreadfully awful tings that happened to him when he was a child, and they were awful, i don’t think i’d be able to recover either, But we still make our choices and I wish that he didn’t bring that onto us. Because the good he did was genuine but he didn’t know how to love because he wasn’t loved when he was a boy or teenager and that shaped him, he could never shake it. He had 5 children and 4 didn’t want anything to do with him, one that did and he pushed away and my sister that he was always nice to. I don’t even know where this is going, I just needed to write. He did good too but his bad overshadowed it for me, i always hoped that we all would be able to be cool and be ok but we won’t get that. I explained to me one time when I was in college his version of how things were and I understood, it was his way of apologizing but he carried on as he always had after. I’ll have to accept that for what it was and appreciate that it even happened. I only ever wanted his approval, he would so many mean things to me and pretty much make me feel like I wasn’t going to be shit, I took that and became successful and accomplished. He never hit us, he never touched us, he was always around although he didn’t participate, we always had a hot meal and he took care of us, no one could touch us. I think he felt that because he did that for us and not his own kids that everything else he did was ok. It wasn’t. In all honesty I wish that my mother never met him, he needed to do his journey on his own, he should have gone back home and taken care of his children. But it could have been worse, she could have gotten with someone worse. I’m sad that he died. I’m angry that things won’t be reconciled, I’m angry that my brothers won’t get to have him later one when they matured and stopped being angry. I’m angry that he didn’t try harder. We all loved him still, I hope he knows that, we literally just didn’t like him and didn’t want that negativity anymore, so we removed ourselves. I wan’t to say thank you for keeping me safe. Thank you for showing me what I didn’t want to be when I grew up but fuck you for all these internal issues I have. And I know you know but I want you to know that I turned out ok, my family is ok and we did think about you often. As much as you always said you would ave been better off without us, we would have been better off without you. You needed us and you let us know but you had to change and you didn’t. You were’t willing to until you got info on your health and wondered why no one ever contacted you. And you were reaching out, you jut ran out of time. For what its worth, I love you and thank you for keeping me safe.

    • Sara  March 10, 2020 at 10:39 pm Reply

      Your story resonates a lot with mine. Me and my two brothers had a verbally and emotionally abusive step father. He basically raised me and was in my life for for over 20 years. He was severely abused and neglected as a child and did not know how to be a healthy parent. So many nights I hated him. Hated his constant screaming and belittling. I had a rough relationship with my biological father and felt the relationship with my step dad to be safer. So In my head, he felt like my dad. He tried to apologize to me when I was 21 and I blew him off. I didn’t want to hear it . Fast forward 9 years married with 2 kids and doing everything in my power not to parent like him I felt like I wanted to reconcile. I wanted closure . I needed to say what I had felt all those years. We found out a couple months ago that he died in a nursing home. He suffered a traumatic brain injury. He had no family , no belongings, nothing. He died alone and it weighs on me constantly. I have no closure and through all those nights I hated him , I do know that He loved us and we felt safe. Grief is complicated. I hope you can move on from your pain as well.

  78. Anna M Shonk  February 14, 2020 at 4:56 am Reply

    I had a very difficult relationship with my mother in law and tonight she passed. Due to the geographical distance I ignored her yet almost felt betrayed because I expected my husband to take my side at one point. After 30 years I felt relieved by her passing, now guilty for having this feeling for secretly dancing in the street, horrific I know. I hope I can be supportive to my husband whom I love dearly without appearing phony.

    • Laura  February 22, 2020 at 2:45 pm Reply

      I’ve just stumbled across this post as can’t seem to find answers to my current feelings on my partners situation, but can sort of relate to this (god forgive me)!
      We’ve been together going on 5 years this May, he moved back in with her a few years before we got together after his Father passed away, previously lived with an ex girlfriend. When we were out on dates she was never off the phone to him, always looking for trouble especially if he was staying overnight at my place, I felt like I was dating a teenager at times! A few months into the relationship he introduced me and she seemed lovely and I was hoping she’d see he was happy and let go a little (he was 35 then!), but she had other plans and got worse, especially once she heard I had a teenage daughter! On the occasional weekend, I’d pop over to the house for dinner date he’d plan and she’d make an appearance when she was supposed to be out late with friends, wine fueled telling me he’s her “boy” and that he’ll never leave her as she needs him (he’s an only child) and couldn’t financially cope without him, highlighting I was wasting my time if I was looking for a man to “play” daddy to my daughter, which wasn’t the case as her Father is still a big part of her life. She’d say these things when he was conveniently out the room, eventually I got fed up explaining myself and terribly impatient playing the pleasant girlfriend and refused to ever step back in her home. When I did bring up what she said about the financial assistance, he’d told me she somehow managed to persuade him into paying all the household bills, this woman is a former deputy head teacher with a very good works pension, that she has bragged to me about on many an occasion. I’ve never heard someone use their “widowed status” so much in conversations to people to crave attention, having never met his Father, whom I assumed she missed and loved very dearly, according to my partner they lived together apart for over 10 years and she was the one that instigated it, in fact my partner said she destroyed his Father with her behavior over their 40 years of marriage. The final straw for me was during a family get together with his relatives from abroad, having hardly been in her company over the years we had a lovely meal, then after being out a good few hours my partner was “naturally” was showing me some affection when she “accidentally” hurried a bottle of red wine across the table in our direction, which fortunately missed us and ended up over his dear Aunt, which everyone noticed was intentional towards me, but that didn’t stop her as she tried to turn it all on me and that was it enough was enough…..I said my goodbyes as she screamed all sorts of abuse in my direction, my partner was mortified but was still a little to overprotective of her behavior for my liking! So few yrs on I’ve never seen or communicated with her, my partner stays over half the week with me and other with her as her health has deteriorated and she refuses outside assistance. She’s been in hospital the last few days very poorly and my dear partner hasn’t left her side. My problem is I feel nothing other than dread as I know depending on the outcome either way if she pulls through she’ll be more dependent on him than ever, she’s so manipulative and will play on this like she has already over the years, that unfortunately will likely be the end of us, and if she doesn’t pull through I’m worried as I don’t think I’ll be able to support him the way I should as she’s caused him nothing but constant pain and stress, he’s aged quite significantly over the years and I’m finding it difficult to even ask how she is. I have never experienced feelings like this before as I have never been around someone who dislikes me so much! Vented a little on this sorry ?

  79. Jan  February 10, 2020 at 11:36 am Reply

    Thanks for the excellent article. It helped me a lot. Even more helpful are the many stories in the comments.

    I just found out that my father died. We were out of touch with each other for the most part. I found it out by accident.

    He was a very manipulative person and used the possibility of an inheritance to try to control me. He sexualised our relationship and actually propositioned me when I was 17. He was abusive to my brother and sometimes to my children.

    Then over 20 years ago I met a wonderful man and remarried. He was a good provider and very loving. On getting this news that I was going to marry this wonderful person, my father wrote me a letter and said he was changing his will.

    My husband later died of cancer. I did try to have a relationship with my father again. He ended up making a big deal about giving his money away to a college and rubbing my nose in it every time He talked to me. It just got old after a while. I expect I won’t get a dime of inheritance, but that’s okay. Thanks for the helpful article.

  80. Bernadette  January 27, 2020 at 10:09 am Reply

    I have a question. My boyfriend’s mother has alzheimers and he’s always had a difficult relationship. They are always snipping at each other. He get very frustrated, yet he is always there for her. I know he loves her but it shakes me to see how they interact most times. His brother and sister don’t help a whole lot and that frustrates him too. It takes up a lot of his time and energy. Sometimes he snaps at me. I let it go because I know he’s going through a lot. We can usually talk about it once the latest episode has gone by.
    I’d like to ask him what he thinks will be once she passes. As in, how does he think he’ll be? What will he do if he’s not constantly waiting for the phone to ring about her etc…. I’m not the question or how to ask it. Any suggestions?

  81. Chip Dennison  January 22, 2020 at 12:27 pm Reply

    My ex wife of 25 years died suddenly. We had not talked in 4 years, and she was also estranged from our 2 adult daughters. She made her world so difficult. She would be violent and insecure and bitter. Of course she was also capable of amazing joy and tenderness. I knew her half her life, and better than anyone. I processed my grief for her very intensely, but very quickly. I think that is because I am not regretful of any of my actions towards her. I regret it had to go that way, but I tried to make every choice and decision knowing my future self would judge me. I can think of her with a melancholy that is warm but bittersweet. She probably did the best she could…it was what it was, and a big part of my life and that is ok.

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  82. D Alicia  January 22, 2020 at 1:43 am Reply

    It’s such a relief to find something online I can relate to. When my husband asked me to marry him, I remember feeling no hesitation whatsoever. After we were married he changed into a very negative, critical, complaining person. He always talked a lot, which I knew going in, but when it became almost all negative, it was very hard to take. People have commented that I seem like a very positive person, by contrast. What wasn’t negative was talk about things I didn’t understand and wasn’t interested in, technical things. I very cautiously told him more than once that these things didn’t interest me and I didn’t understand them but it didn’t make any difference. It didn’t help that he was home all day by himself and generally ambushed me when I walked in the door at the end of the day. I would carefully walk past him whenever I could so he wouldn’t notice me and start talking. Then I had to drop whatever I was doing and stand and listen to his diatribe. I told him more than once that he was hurting himself with all this negativity as well as hurting me but his answer was a flippant “Well, I guess I’m just a horrible person then”, or “Well, you complain too!” I explained to him that he brought it out in me with his complaining, but again, it made no difference in his behavior. This was my third marriage and I had decided that I wasn’t going to divorce him, just wait until he died. Be careful what you wish for! He was sick for 5 months and I became his caregiver and it wasn’t easy. I still feel terrible for him and what he went through. I know he loved me. I wouldn’t have married him, though, if I knew then what I know now. After going through his financial affairs after his death, I think I understand a lot of his mindset and problems. I have a good job, and I realized when I married him that he didn’t have a lot of money, but it was a lot worse than I thought. His life insurance policies thankfully paid off his debts as well as mine, and lawsuits going forward will pay off our house and possibly leave me money after that as well. I know he was bitter because his father put his abusive brother through college, but not him. Perhaps he thought when we married he’d have plenty of work come his way. His health was never very good so it would have been hard to hold down a job outside the home. I came to realize that he was always very nice and pleasant to other people. People at the hospital where I work and he was hospitalized would comment on what a great guy he was. One of my neighbors commented that “You sure seem to be handling it well”. Everyone talks about what a great guy he was. I’m sorry, but I don’t miss him. I am enjoying my freedom and the peace so, so much. I thought I would hate to be here in the house all alone but I’m just fine. I do have a wonderful, loving, sweet dog to keep me company. I’m going to movies weekly, eating out at weekend buffets, going to shows which I couldn’t before because he wasn’t willing most of the time and would take offense if I wanted to go alone. I’m competent and capable and managing all his hoarding accumulations and messed up business affairs. People have commented over the years “Gee, why don’t you just go ahead and say what everyone else is thinking?” So I guess that shows I’m not one to dissimulate. I did cry a bit at his ash scattering ceremony and a few times since his death. Thank you for letting me unload.

    • Dean`  April 9, 2020 at 12:14 pm Reply

      Thank you for this excellent article. I intentionally went online this morning hoping to find answers to why I am not only not grieving but seem to be relieved and happy that my ex-boyfriend died a couple of days ago. In fact, I found mysely actually dancing in the kitchen as I waited for my coffee to brew. I said to myself, “Yes, maybe you need to go online and see what’s up with that.” We were together, on and off for a little over 10 years. Mostly off. At the time, I didnt know what a narcissist was. But since then, I have learned about the characteristics of a narcissistic personal disorder and believe that he most certainly was a classic covert narcissistic. It was such a horrible, disrespectful, mentally abusive, mean roller coaster relationship. The main thing it taught me was to explore, why I felt it was ok to chose and stay in such a relationship for so long. I found out that I had ALWAYS chosen narcissists. But that;s another story…
      I am happy to begin to understand that my reaction to his death is normal. I appreciate the suggestions that you have offered and I intend to take them to heart. I am so encouraged that I took the the time to investigate my feelings and to seek validation. More, I am very very encouraged that I listen to myself and can get in touch with how I feel more quickly. Being in a relationship with toxic people sidelined me long enough to begin to learn how to do this. I am grateful that my future can be better in this regard. Naturally, the relationship was not All bad, as your article pointed out. So it is not difficult for me to remember the positive things that the relationship contributed to my life. I learned a lot from him. In some ways he was quite brilliant and taught me to be a better version of myself. I’ll carry those lesson with me. I will take what I like and leave the rest.
      Thank you so much for being there today!!

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  83. V  January 18, 2020 at 2:29 am Reply

    My dad and I had a complicated relationship. He left when I was 10 years old (divorced my mom), would forget visits when I was a child, he moved away right before I turned 18, he got paranoid about my life choices and he tried to steal the insurance money when my mom passed away. He died 2 days ago and I wasn’t even told that his health turned for the worse. I don’t know how to feel… It’s all very confusing

  84. Jamie  January 14, 2020 at 4:11 pm Reply

    This was very helpful. When I was young 45 years old my father sexually abused my Moms sister’s child. My mom divorced him on the spot This happen in Jamaica and the laws are different there. I was getting ready to Graduate high school and I really lost a father and my Mom for awhile as she was so distraught did.

    I have had no contact with him for the last five years. He died this week and I found out that he left everything to me(BTW his whole estate is a 20 year old car and debt). I was an only child. My Aunt (his sister) nieces and nephews friend etc who was close to him don’t know what happen. Now everyone is mad that they were not name in the will and that I was bad because he loves me and I didn’t want anything to do with him. No one is talking me. I want to post what happen but my Mom says I should just let the negatively go.

    I felt so alone as the last week I had to help my Aunt clean out his house (my Aunt is 86 and I love her dearly and didn’t want her to do it alone)
    Just writing this make me feel a little better.

  85. Diane  December 25, 2019 at 7:30 pm Reply

    It is nice to have an open conversation about the reality that relationships w/family members sometimes just aren’t going to meet your hopes & expectations and that upon the family members death it is normal to have to work through some odd stages of grief that you hope not too many people have to go through. My sisters and I became more intelligent and mentally stable than our mother upon reaching adulthood. It wasn’t something we recognized at the time but she could not handle anyone being smart or having more attention than her and would belittle us and mutter under her breath ugly remarks that were always just loud enough to be heard. Her bitterness and jealousy kept us from wanting to spend time with her or our step father, robbing us of the joy a family might have being together and wanting love so much that we take the first crappy guy. I can only hope that we will work hard to share love and not bitterness now after living through her very difficult death. But I find myself at Christmas alone because i cannot live with someone that does not care about me any more. 2020 WILL be better.

  86. steve  December 18, 2019 at 2:48 pm Reply

    There’s a lot that can be said about this. Losing someone including a family member may cause grieving even when you don’t like or love them and possibly having had significant differences or whatever that defined the acquaintance or association. I believe in many cases it is tied into a sort of rite of passage loss that is felt with what could have or possibly should have been (often the situation is compared I believe to some sitcom ideal family adding to things). So part of the loss then is perhaps the regret that maybe things were not corrected or uncorrectable to make everything “right” before the person’s death. I think additionally there is a passing of some events including with such losses that both persons were associated with such as growing up and events and people surrounding the person that may also have or be passing with the person’s death. For example, if you only saw your father when he lived at some place, you may never go there again and have some of those memories that were attached to it for better or worse but still valued nonetheless for various reasons. I know there is much to say too about subconscious things that may or may not be involved with a person’s passing. I had a “friend” who I found out died a few years back but I also found out that he was a pedophile back in the 1980s when he was a scoutmaster. The scouts never had to reveal the history of those people until recently. It was definitely some grieving but anger too at feeling like I had been fooled – and thankfully never approached by him in that way. He always had seemed to be just a nice person to me. Anyway, such is as things go at times with people. My father finally on his death bed was able to squeeze my hand back when I had taken it and I feel even though we didn’t like each other we had some sense of forgiveness.

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    • D  December 24, 2019 at 11:45 am Reply

      What you said about the man that was a Boy Scout leader and a pedophile – I get that! My father just passed, and he, too, was a pedophile. He abused my sister and me for years and my mother looked the other way! His own sister knew and never said a word to “protect the family name.” They were her exact words 30 years ago when my sister and I questioned our relatives. We have not spoken to any of them since that time. My father’s passing is just a painful reminder to me that I will never have closure on the horrific things he did. I am not mourning his death; I am mourning his depraved life and all the people he hurt. People close to me have called to check on me, not offer condolences. Those that are not close and have offered condolences are well intentioned, but I can’t accept them. His funeral is Friday. My sister and I will not be there. Why would we subject ourselves to being near our abuser and our family that knew and did nothing? The only guilt I feel is for feeling nothing that my father died. His death changes nothing and I feel nothing. I wish him peace and know in my heart that it is between him and God now. I will survive and continue to live my life, scarred and without closure.

  87. Sharon Kobialka  December 9, 2019 at 10:51 pm Reply

    My abusive, narcissistic boyfriends of 16 years died on September 16th 2019. I often especially in the last couple years wished him dead.
    He was an alcoholic and practically drank himself to death. He was diagnosed with cirrhosis of the liver 5 years ago but continued to drink.
    I loved him for many many years and he never loved me back, not the way I wanted him to.
    I cried over him for at least two weeks. I feel like things are very unresolved and I wish I could have told him how I felt about him before he died. He died unexpectedly

    • Nicola  December 14, 2019 at 2:06 am Reply

      Hi- I read your post and have a similar experience- a guy I had been involved with for 11 years died suddenly on September 1 2019. I still don’t know how he died as the funeral was private and the death notice never said. I so understand how you can wish them dead but the reality is very different when it has happened. He was a drug user and had developed a heart condition and never loved me like I did him. I understand what you mean about feeling like things are very unresolved. I have felt exactly like this about him. Now just wish I could have been stronger and left him sooner not had to go through the grief of his death on my own.

  88. somebody  December 7, 2019 at 2:16 pm Reply

    I just lost my father yesterday, him and i have never met, and we have only talked enough to count on a single hand. But part of me is guilty because neither of us made an effort to meet eachother. His relationship with my mom was horrible, and he was not a good person at all but part of me feels that I need the closure of knowing who my father is, and I’ve always felt that. The thing that hurt the most is that me and my sister weren’t in his obituary, and its like we never existed apart from his child support payments. Makes me feel horrible. I’m in shock, and there are so many things going through my head and I genuinely do not know how to feel. I just know that everything happens for a reason, and I think that God has taken him to show that its maybe better that I’ve never been able to meet him.

  89. Bill  November 16, 2019 at 6:27 pm Reply

    I have experienced grief of loved ones, and it’s ripped me up inside. However, when an old friend passed away from a heart attack less than a year ago I felt nothing. We weren’t really close, but every body thought that we were best friends. Occasionally he would do nice things for me, but at the end of the day, he was a narcissist. He and I had absolutely nothing in common, and so I felt like an accessory in his life. I hung out with him, but I was bored because I wasn’t into WWF, watching football or going to races. When I was in grad school, he was mad at me for not spending time with him. Eventually, I stopped calling him for a couple of years. It was a refreshing break.

    When we reconnected, I was married. He was snarky and rude and couldn’t understand that I couldn’t hang out with him because I’m married with two young children. My life was different. Whenever my wife and I would have a spat, he’d try to talk me into getting a divorce. He was mad at me for not buying a house in his neighborhood because I wanted to buy a house near a good school for my kids. He just didn’t care or understand that I couldn’t spend a lot of time with him because I was busy with work, family and kids.

    Eventually, less than a year before his death, he planned an impromptu birthday dinner for me with a few friends. It was nice and I thought he was trying to be more caring. But, after that, he went back to his narcissistic, self-absorbed ways, to the point that he was lying to me all over again. When he died, all of our friends rallied and grieved heavily to the point that they had TWO memorials for him. It was over the top. But I still felt nothing. I still feel nothing. When my friends bring him up and feel sad, I feel annoyed because I feel like they need to get over it. They didn’t know him like I knew him. All I remember was the mean things he said and did to me. Every day those ugly moments of his snark and narcissism creep into my brain and as a result, I’m torn because I’m not sad. Honestly, I’m kind of relieved he’s gone.

    I guess I just need to keep reminding myself that I do feel pain when people I love pass away. I do grieve the loss of my loved ones. I’m not heartless. Deep down, I liked the guy, but I didn’t love the guy. So, for me, his passing made me reevaluate my friendships and to remember to devote my time to the people who build me up instead of wasting time on the people who tear me down.

  90. Carol  October 24, 2019 at 1:28 pm Reply

    I had to stop contacting or seeing my dad while I was pregnant and living in Europe. He had always been verbally and emotionally abusive. I believe he might have been a narcissist. I left home during my senior year of high school, but tried to keep a little contact over the years. He was abusive to all of us, especially the youngest. But he ended up fighting for custody of my step sister’s kid and raised her in a loving way, completely spoiling her. It was so bizarre. He died unexpectedly, having never met my son. I felt a little shock at first, but mostly I felt relief. It’s funny because I had agreed to let my 7 yr old meet him because my son kept asking, even though the biggest thing my dad ever complained about to everybody was my son’s name. He hated it and took it as a slight to him as a Christian. But in reality, my son’s name was the first three letters of his dad’s name and the first three letters of mine. It’s a name that is used a lot for businesses and street names, so nothing crazy, just unique as a name. Anyway, my father didn’t know I was planning on letting my sister take my son to meet him. He died two weeks before I made the long trip over. I wonder if fate stepped in sometimes. I never grieved and never needed to. I went to the funeral to be respectful and see the rest of my family. I looked down at him and said “I’m sorry”, but I only meant that I was sorry things were the way they were. It’s been a few years and I still feel relief. I don’t miss him. What was there to miss?
    My mother is still alive, but she was the same as him even though they divorced when I was two. I only see her when I visit her mother, who I cherish so much. I know I will face the same feelings when she passes. I love her as a parent, but not as a person, and I will feel relief when she passes. And I will not be able to help her if she struggles in her old age and I am okay with that. She will just have to figure it out, just like I did growing up with abusive parents.
    The only reason I am posting today is because I thought about my ex mother in law again and how much of a relief her death was. She was making my life hell for about a year since I split from her son and I didn’t know how much more I could take. My ex wasn’t backing me up and I was beyond frustrated. The biggest problem was her chain smoking in the house around my toddler and also the disgraceful state of her house. My son was coming home with multiple styes on his eyes and reeking of secondhand smoke. I was crying every day that I dropped him off. And I know she made sure the house was extra smoky to upset me. I was almost praying for an intervention when I got the call that she had a massive heart attack and probably wouldn’t survive. And if she did, she had to quit smoking. It was so sad, but such a huge relief for me as a mother. Sometimes I do feel a little bit of guilt about how much relief her death brought me. But she ultimately did it to herself. And I am just so thankful her death got my son out of that situation. No thanks to his dad, who I begged for help and was ignored.

  91. Margo  October 11, 2019 at 10:36 am Reply

    I found out yesterday that my mother is dying of cancer. I haven’t seen her in 10 years and I haven’t spoken to her in more than two. She was emotionally abusive my entire life. I’m feeling a tremendous amount of guilt for not feeling more sorrow hearing of her illness. I feel like I’ve already morned this relationship. Family members think I should reach out, I feel like all the things that she would want me to say aren’t things that I feel. I’m sad that she’s suffering and I’m sad that she’s dying but it doesn’t make me feel love for her or miss her or want to see her. The guilt of feeling this way is a tremendous weight.

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  92. Missy  September 13, 2019 at 10:42 pm Reply

    My daughters dad has very recently passed away and him and i had a very very difficult relationship. He was abusive and an all round shocking father, who never showed up, did drugs and abused women. Im struggling with how to cope because i just feel so sad and i look into her eyes and feel guilt we were moved into safe accommodation from him and i can only feel guilt that when he came out of prison we didnt make peace on top of it i cannot say goodbye as im not welcome to his final resting day. Im struggling to process all this huge mixture of emotions from being angry, heartbroken and guilty

    • MollyW  February 27, 2021 at 5:49 am Reply

      Missy, did you find peace? I am struggling with the fact I never made peace with my ex and he has just passed. The guilt is eating me up. I hope you are doing well x

  93. Rachel  August 27, 2019 at 2:38 pm Reply

    Is it me ordo I got to keep living in HELL everyday I don’t want to say my story because its embarrassing that I am saved by the grace of God in the name of Jesus & the pain I gone threw its since young a pain u go threw like rape can’t compare unless u get rape numerous of times just imagine that everyday emotional mental physical verbally financially & you just know that one day you will be free this people that do evil purposesley to the extend you give up but have so much faith& you wnt to just let this whole human earth rut to the pit why because humans are changing n want to change good people evil like them n that is why God is taking care of these human tat are evil

  94. Josette  August 20, 2019 at 4:07 pm Reply

    I just found out someone who I had strife with in the past died in 2016. I feel horrible. I even had words with her on a couple of occasions. The reason I couldn’t stand her is because she used to praise my former Pastor who is both a Republican who has demonstrated and expressed on various occasions that he DOES NOT care about the poor. I saw her as a phony and a hypocrite who could not see the forest for the trees because in my opinion she was probably a part of the Word of Faith deception her self. She seemed to be more worshipful of this con artist than she did of Jesus. I got to the point that I could not stomach or stand her or even listen to her sing anymore. My former Pastor is also a prosperity gospel pimp and a MAJOR part of the false Word of Faith movement. I have no doubt this man voted for Donald Trump. Her name is Shelly Penir. She used to be the praise and worship leader at my former church and came from Fred K. Price’s church. I knew she had health issues in the past but I had no idea she was that ill. I have struggled to walk in forgiveness toward her and the Word of Faith charlatans for a very long time. I am praying that God will deliver me and make it easier for me to forgive the seemingly unforgivable.

  95. Josette  August 20, 2019 at 4:04 pm Reply

    I just found out someone who I had strife with in the past died in 2016. I feel horrible. I even had words with her on a couple of occasions. The reason I couldn’t stand her is because she used to praise my former Pastor is both a Republican who has demonstrated and expressed on various occasions that he DOES NOT care about the poor. I saw her as a phony and a hypocrite who could not see the forest for the trees because in my opinion she was probably a part of the Word of Faith deception her self. She seemed to be more worshipful of this con artist than she did of Jesus. I got to the point that I could not stomach or stand her or even listen to her sing anymore. My former Pastor is also a prosperity gospel pimp and a MAJOR part of the false Word of Faith movement. I have no doubt this man voted for Donald Trump. Her name is Shelly Penir. She used to be the praise and worship leader at my former church and came from Fred K. Price’s church. I knew she had health issues in the past but I had not idea she was that ill. I have struggled to walk in forgiveness toward her and the Word of Faith charatans for a very long time. I am praying that God will deliver me and make it easier for me to forgive the seemingly unforgivable.

    • Sally  October 11, 2019 at 8:22 am Reply

      Is there a reason why u felt u needed to bring politics into the conversation? Totally not necessary.

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      • Brain  January 16, 2020 at 2:56 am

        attacking people on a grief website checks out as republican yeah. She doesnt need to justify her reasons. Why dont you keep your antagonistic thoughts to yourself and let people live their lives. Sher didnt do anything to you, so shut up.

      • Cynthia  January 28, 2020 at 10:24 pm

        Thank you for your intelligence…I appreciate your response…
        My X- husband passd 5yrs ago..for yrs our relationship was distant but obligatory…for over 25 yrs, though divorced I was a part-time care giver to him…there was a 35 mi. distance from our residence, but our son gave us reason to stay connected…I really raised our son alone, & he paid a small fraction of what the judge ordered, because I had my own business..
        Our son is exceptionally blessed w/smarts..he is an outstanding contractor, builder but Bob, sadly had an obvious envy towards him & seldom praised him for anything…
        During his adolescent yrs, David would visit and stay w/him but he was extremely abusive and alcoholic..I knew he occasionally drank, but knew nothing of the abuse..( I think I would have killed him)..Bob lived in the country, my son loved the country and his dirt bike, so he stayed silent..he revealed all this to me in his 20s and it broke my heart..
        ..I would cook, sew, and go w/my X for Drs appointmnts for many yrs..I always hoped this would keep the relationship w/father & son healthy…son & I maintained his home & acreage when he traveled for his job too..
        … eventually X married several yrs ago…he never revealed Geraldine to David nor i…I completely & graciously bowed out of his life, without question…His wife, Geraldine was married 3former times but had no children…she proved a seething envy towards David & successfully managed to destroy any relationship between father & son… eventually Bob passed from an illness in which she tried her best to keep all info from David…she sold or gave away all of Bob’s things, mentioning to David that she didn’t think he wanted anything…
        David was also left out of his will and Geraldine made certain to call & inform him of this…she sold their three homes within 6 months and moved to their FLA home…the estate and Bobs pensions we’re liquidated and she left w/2.5 million….David has had a tough time with this over his father’s alienation towards him and the large amount of money that he had had no previous knowledge of…
        It’s hard to see my son’s continual struggle over all of this…I feel somewhat to blame, (helpless), maybe stopping or doing something , anything…?!?
        We are aware of the legal recourse, but David wished no part of Geraldine again…
        No words to express except to listen and love my only Beautiful son…

    • Sharon  November 4, 2019 at 5:02 pm Reply

      I feel you may be the bitter one, and remember if God can forgive, you can, and must as well. Poor or rich, political parties aside, you need to forgive,. Try starting with yourself.

  96. Just M  August 16, 2019 at 11:47 pm Reply

    This article really helps. I got a degree in psichology in 2017. Earlier this year my abusive violent father died. I had chosen not to see him since my parents got a divorce/separated when I was 12 and he got married to another woman shortly after. I was very afraid of him. He continued to stalk and slander me for years making ourageous claims like I was severely mentally ill and that he supported me (he didn’t even pay the last year of child support and got away with the smallesst sum possible and never gave me a cent since then). He used to ask people for money for the medicines he told people I took, wrote messages to himself pretending it was me that had mistakenly sent them to my mom (from his own cell phone) which my mom sometimes received while with me. I was an only child and so was he, so when he died his widow (whom I’ve never met) didn’t notify me of his death and had a speedy 30 minute wake before buring him 24 hours after his death. I found out about his death by chance over a week later. For years nobody believed how cruel and abusive he had been with me nor that I did not have a relationship with him at all, until he was all over the news for death threats to a public authority and weapons possesion and went to jail and was sentenced. It was a bit ironic to me that he got away with atrocious child abuse and was sentenced for something else at the end of his life. I felt extremely lonely picking up his death certificate and medical death certificate. I only found out his cause of death today. I had assumed he was going to live a much longer life since his father had died in his nineties. So far it seems he left a massive debt and I have to do some paperwork to refuse it.

  97. Shaunna  July 9, 2019 at 10:10 am Reply

    My husband died a few days ago. We didn’t have something as beautiful. In fact my family hates him. There was no I’m sorry or I know at one time you cared for him. Instead they have said “good””hope your not doing anything to help with the funeral”. They question why I paid for his cremation and ask me why am I even going to the mortuary for the cremation. I see crulety in there reactions. Something I dont understand coming from my family. I haven’t had much contact with my husband, (he was difficult to find) I couldn’t divorce him, he was still my husband. He wasn’t a good one. War, injury, surgery, pills. PILLS. They took whatever decency he had and twisted it until there was nothing but a controlling bully. But he was my husband. I loved him. We’ve been seporated since 2012, spending maybe a month out of each year together. He took his own life. He died alone, very alone. Unwanted, ashamed, sad, guilty, and hopeless, ALONE. My hear aches for his pain. He was my husband and I gave up. My family asks Why did I pay for the cremation? Why am I on a bus at 5am for 4 hours to go 33 miles? I’m going just so I can stand in a building he is in one last time? Because he was my husband.

    • Jenni  July 31, 2019 at 2:08 am Reply

      My husband was killed almost 2 years ago. The circumstances revolving his death are traumatic and will forever be ingrained in my memory. We have 3 young children together, 2 girls and my stepson, who really miss their daddy.. but here’s the thing. He was such an ass hole. We had been together 13yrs and had maybe 1, combined, good year out of those. he was extremely abusive in every sense of the way. He was a bully, manipulative, a habitual cheater and my abuser. I had to constantly walk on egg shells, never knowing what could trigger his temper. He loved our kids, spent time with them but he was a terrible role model. I feel relieved knowing our 2 daughters won’t grow up believing that is normal behavior, especially between their parents. I hear him in my head, still, putting me down and belittling my decisions. I think about the abuse often. And I have no one to talk to about it because I hid the abuse from my family for all those years and I definitely don’t speak ill of him to his family. And yet, he was still my husband and I mourne the good times we had. But im angry about the rest. I’m angry my children have to endure the heartache of missing their dad..I’m angry he was so horrible. I’m just angry.

  98. Alane  July 6, 2019 at 10:39 am Reply

    My Dad died this week. It was sudden. Septic shock. I hadn’t spoken to him in a while. He was a nightmare growing up…the drinking, the yelling, the foolishness. He never physically abused me or my brother…it was the verbal abuse. That never goes away, even after 45 years. I tried to have a relationship with him but it was always strained. My brother has too. A girlfriend and her brood only added insult to injury. He did more for them and never tried to mend what was broken between me and him and my brother and him. He was always great around other people’s children. It was his own he had an underlying problem with. We were never any trouble or gave him any reason to dislike us so we couldn’t understand why. At the funeral yesterday they were talking about how wonderful he was and everything he did for them, and I almost laughed out loud. The man they knew and the man I knew were two different people. I’m having a hard time. I don’t know what to feel. Hard to mourn someone you knew but didn’t. All in due time I guess.

    • Sara  July 17, 2019 at 11:23 am Reply

      Alane:

      I totally understand. Both my parents were tentatively diagnosed with NPD. My father was an alcoholic , who sometimes became violent, and the rest of the family was in total denial about it. No one could speak of it.

      My mother loved to triangulate all family members. She was also extremely verbally and emotionally abusive.

      My mother once called me at 2 a.m., claiming that my father was chasing her with a hammer and threatening her. I could hear the yelling and the hammer blows hitting something, over the phone. I lived two hours away, and did not own a car, so I called the police.

      My parents never forgave me for that and would bring up the fact that I had called the police in that situation, all the time.

      My parents had one golden child whom they treated …well…. like gold. They gave him large sumps of money and took his entire family on vacation, as well as his in-laws, and paid for it.

      Conversely me and another brother were totally ignored. I was well behaved and other parents used to compliment me all the time. Still, my parents treated the golden child brother and strangers far better than they treated their other children.

      It is depressing to hear these people talk about what wonderful people they were. I am a writer, so my mother actually had the audacity to ask me to write and read a eulogy, when my father died.

      I declined of course because had I written and honest eulogy the place would have been in an uproar.

      When my mother died the golden child brother did not even write an obituary or comment on the page for her funeral notice, even though she treated him well.

      The really difficult, part is when relatives refused to understand why I was not grieving as some people do.

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      • BRENDA  July 18, 2019 at 3:31 pm

        I HEAR YOU, I AM GOING THROUGH THE SAME THING AND COULD JUST SCREAM, I TOO WAS IGNORED WHILE THE GOLDEN CHILD COULD DO NO WRONG EVEN THOUGH THAT WAS ALL THEY DID WAS BAD OR WRONG, HANG IN THERE WE ARE NOT ALONE. SHAME ON THEM THEY MISSED OUT ON A LOT BY NOT APPRECIATING US TOO.

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    • Monica Slaydon  August 14, 2019 at 10:03 pm Reply

      You just described my situation to a T! Mine died August 10th & I’m having major mixed feelings for the lack of him ever trying to mend things.

      • joanne  October 21, 2019 at 8:08 am

        reading your stories i see my future…my dad is still alive, i googled virtually what will happen when he dies? how will i feel? the mental abuse hurt more than the physical, its why i barely call now, i really wish i could just let go completely, but always, always i wanted to be the good child, im the middle child. i looked after my angry, mother til the end, she had dementia, i took her guilt away because of my fathers abuse – and just recently i found out they gave me away when i was 2 weeks old….sounds like they only took me back 15 months later because they were moving overseas… i have no idea how to process this at the age of 55! my cousin told me, and i straight out asked my dad! i get that she probably had the baby blues, but all the guilt they laid on me later, about silly shit, guilt i still carry to this day, stuff i did not deserve, it still hurts, and just think of the three of us, the one she gave away was the one who looked after her til the bitter finale… yeah, i feel…robbed? the irony! i never felt wanted, there are no baby photos, and now, all these years later, i know why… i wish i didnt, but they should have told me. most of the time im fine, and then pow, its nearly her birthday, and christmas will be here soon, all the family shit on my hubbies side…its just so hard to deal with now. only my husband and my kids know, my husband is not the talking kind, so its just me, a glass of red, and a keyboard, late at night wondering what the fuck i did to deserve this life?

  99. VKS  June 29, 2019 at 9:21 am Reply

    My mother-in-law and my husband teamed up after y son was born. She was manipulative and selfish . She hated me and I knew it. She would act in front of people as if she was an angel and I was the demon. Now she is suffering from pancreatic cancer. She is in her last dies and I am eagerly waiting for her to pass away. She raised my husband as a boy and not as a man. My husband is grieving and I do not feel like comforting him at all. If someone things here I am an evil person so be it. I have gone through 12 years of torture with both of them. I am really relieved that after she is gone she will let my son and me live in peace. This article is really what I wanted to hear. I believe a lot in karma…. what goes around comes back around. I have not done anything to my mil to make me hate. It’s just that I come from a different community. She was staying with me for the first 3 yrs of my marriage. she was evil towards me while I was pregnant. She would act in front of my husband one way and the moment he was out of the house her evilness started. When I told my husband he wouldn’t believe me. While I was pregnant again after 7 yrs…. I told my husband to send his mom away as she gave me hard time during my first pregnancy. He wouldn’t let her go and she will not leave my home either. I was all afraid and I went for abortion. My husband came with me too. Now I am too old to have a second child. But I am happy and relieved that she will be gone out my life soon.

    • Sunny  August 15, 2019 at 5:04 pm Reply

      My ex mil died five years ago.She didn’t take care of herself.Balloning to three hundred pounds letting her diabetes go.My ex loved her but was disgusted to the point he privately called her java the hut.She wasn’t happy and their marriage[fil] wasn’t either, even to the bitter end.The difference is my ex met me when he was young and rebellious.His mother soon learned that coming between us wasn’t going to happen.It would be useless to try.Oddly enough she ended up loving me.I sort of looked to her as a somewhat surrogate mother.[mine died when I was in my teens]I was disenheartened when he would call her java even if it was only to me.Everyone attended her funeral.My fil no one but us.We even had to dig the grave.He was gruff and mean when he was young but had mellowed.Most of my exes family can be cold and cruel to the point you can’t believe that they are even real.Not one word from them ,not a call ,card, not anything. I have never met a more distant family than them. Strangers on the street have more compassion than they do for each other especially their deceased father.To quote the doors strange days indeed. This just happened a month ago.I am angry at them for their cold indifference. He raised them ,even if he wasn’t the best father, he was there every day and paid the bills.All I want to know is how the hell do you do this to your own father. Just how? Maybe I can’t get it.I had a wonderful set of parents they weren’t’ perfect and they made mistakes yet they were wonderful.My fil was 94

  100. Matthew  June 3, 2019 at 6:35 am Reply

    My dad died 11 days ago. He was a bastard, and also kind, sort of. I believe he was afraid of showing his emotions and hid behind a wall of assholeness which he couldn’t break through.
    I said all these nice things to him the weeks before he died, to try and make his final days here peaceful. But the night before he died it dawned on me I would never get the chance to tell him how much of a selfish asshole he had been.
    It’s selfish of me to hang on to this regret, and I intend to let it go.
    Perhaps i can be more generous to those in need knowing what it feels like to wonder why the man I thought was supposed to be my hero, who seemed to have everything, would disappoint me. I don’t think I expected too much. I need to let all this go. Life can be hard and unforgiving. I’ll forgive him.
    I forgive you dad.

    2
    • Ereaunna  June 13, 2019 at 7:14 pm Reply

      My father died on June 7 2019 and I relate to your situation exactly. It’s comforting to read your story. Thank you for sharing.

    • Sunny  August 15, 2019 at 3:32 pm Reply

      Sorry but your letter reminded me of times long ago .When I was young I was a handful but I had straightened out by the time I was 16.I not only told my father what I thought of him a few times he returned the favor. Yet there was so much love and laughter peace and forgiveness between us.I had that chance in all respects. I realize he raised one hell of a tough strong daughter. I only wish he could be here to see it.God how I miss my parents.Thank you for your post it makes me realize just how lucky I really was

  101. Tammy  May 28, 2019 at 5:07 am Reply

    I’m going to just say Thank You All! I hated feeling alone in these feelings. And knowing I am not brings me solace and appreciation for my own discontent I feel towards my father who is physically dying from cancer . But also with the man that has been dead to me for several years already. His abusive behavior has caused me to separate myself from 85% of my family.( the part that refuses to acknowledge that his behavior is /was extremely painful and unacceptable) . My sister and I are his only biological children and we are the ones he has always treated the worst. Anyone/Everyone was always better than we were. And no matter what we accomplished it was not good enough to ever please him. Therefore she and I made the decision to remove ourselves from that life completely. Now that he is truly dying my emotions are so mixed and I can’t help but wonder if he even cares that neither of us are around. But that won’t change the fact both of our children love him and his death will certainly impact their lives . Leaving even more mixed emotions!! I needed to read this article and your comments more
    than anything !! So THANK YOU ALL!!!!

  102. Connie J.  May 14, 2019 at 9:14 am Reply

    I am so thankful to have read this article and the comments. Not really sure how I will feel when my father-in-law passes. He has been almost completely absent in my children’s lives and even when we are together, it’s very awkward and has nothing much to say but either something sarcastic or mean. I hate the way he has treated my husband when he was growing up. Right now, I will be thankful when he is gone, but that makes me somewhat sad for my husband. He is such a good man and is so much better of a Christian that I am with his loving response to a man who is just not nice. I’m sure that I will be sad for any heartbreak that my husband feels when the time comes.

  103. R  May 11, 2019 at 4:08 am Reply

    Good to find something on effects of the death of someone close who one did not like overall.
    My experience relates to my mother. Rest of family assume because I do not like her that her death should not have negativity in it for me!
    For starters that means there is no suitable person to talk about it and actually although she was overwhelmingly evil; we did share some small, short bonded moments. I am her daughter and have no sister only a brother. Furthermore she stole my children from me; something that is impossible to recover from.

  104. Anon. Wife  May 9, 2019 at 1:42 pm Reply

    I’m having a hard time being there for my husband who is dealing with the complicated grieving process for a father who was never there. He only met his father less than a handful of times in his life but he had to live with knowing that his father had two other children with two other women as the years went by. Only one of his half-siblings was raised by his father and got to have that relationship. His father passed away this week and the family requested my husband and our family to be at the celebration of life memorial. I have my own frustrations with the fact that they included my husband, myself, and our children in the obituary as if we had a relationship with his family. Now, I’m left with a mix of emotions about attending the memorial. While I think it may be good for my husband to attend as a way of finding closure and perhaps some reconciliation – I also do not want to attend nor bring my children along to show them off to a family of strangers who never had the nerve to reconcile while my husband’s father was alive. To be brutally honest, if we attended – it would be more for the selfish reason of showing off that we take the higher road and have more decency to pay respects for even those we may have a distaste for.
    Regardless – how can I be there for my husband who I’m sure is so internally conflicted – when he has only ever voiced and showed nonchalance when it came to the issue of his father not ever being there for him? I can listen but he’s not a man of many words. I can’t offer advice as I’ve never dealt with this issue myself and I have my own opinions of the situation. I don’t want to seem insensitive, and I would be there for my husband regardless of what he decides to do or how to grieve… but should I take a more proactive approach?

    • TheOtherSide  June 9, 2019 at 2:42 am Reply

      I feel like I can speak to this from the other perspective. That is, of one with a spouse that seems unsupportive, even possibly vindictive during my time of grief and family need. Even if that family has not always been there for us the way we would expect.

      It seems that while I don’t have much control over the circumstances of my or family members’ grief and the need to be able to process what I know is a *temporary* circumstance that will be moved on from (in relatively short time, actually), my spouse seems unable to make a *temporary* sacrifice of their time and continues to act according to some sort of principle based on score-keeping for whether my family should be granted our time or support while going through this Granted, my family dynamic is not as distant as the one you portray, but it is very strained and complicated, trust me.

      Perhaps it would be helpful to take the perspective that this is a momentary, difficult time, and just be there for him. Even if it doesn’t make complete sense to you. But when else will you even need to make this kind of consideration for him? Heaven forbid that you may need the same unconditional love and support from them at some point… But the compassionate approach still seems like the greater principle to uphold… and to teach your children, in the “life’s lessons” sort of way that they’ll surely look back on this (either knowingly or not).

    • Another Anon  July 7, 2019 at 11:19 pm Reply

      I think it’s a good idea to show up for the funeral.
      Have you been to many funerals? I have. Some of them I have had very heartfelt sorrow for the deceased and their family. Others, I went out of respect for my surviving friends.
      Neither of my parents are dead, but I really don’t want to attend their funerals and I don’t think any of my siblings really care either. However, it is just one afternoon. All you have to do is SHOW UP. You do not have to “bury the hatchet” or make a big show or hash out your differences. I have seen those types of displays at funerals and it is not appropriate. Just wear a conservative outfit, show up and leave when it is polite to do so.
      If you do not think you can keep your mouth shut, then don’t go. But my suggestion is just show up for appearances and leave it at that.
      I REALLY don’t care if my parents die, but I will go their funerals just because they are my parents. If I had a partner I would hope they would come with me to give my moral support.
      Don’t over think it. It is clear your husband is not happy that he hasn’t had the greatest family relations. This is not the moment to “make a statement”. It’s a FUNERAL. Just show up, act in the most civilized manner possible and don’t stay for a long time. You do not have to “express your feelings” at all.
      I have been to funerals where the people have no tribute to make because the person was so dreadful. That’s why their is a member of the clergy or a funeral director. Having negative or mixed feelings at a funeral is extremely common.
      Hope this is helpful. Good luck.

  105. Tammy  May 6, 2019 at 2:27 am Reply

    Wow! And here I am feeling sorry for mysrlf, but you have to deal witj the liss if someone your mom cares about, yet he abused her, and then the pain and antimosity that you feel because he did, in every sense of the word molest you, and now deal with the “afterburth” if yoy will, of his dying, without any kind of closure! Thats so incredibky heartbreaking.
    My boyfriend of 13 years has stage 4 lung cancer, hes been incredinly abusive to me cheats in, me and when I catch him is nice and calm as if nothing happened, hes narcassistic as fuck! He didnt care abiut hurting me before he knew he had cancer and hes even more pompous and self pretentious than ever!
    I’m angry, bitter, hateful, wanting revenge, find myself saying I wish You’d die it’d ne better rhan the abuse and guniliation that Ive tolerated for,13 yeatmrs.ive been waiting on my disability to try to get the money to move back home to CA but here i am 15 months still waiting!i have no one here in AR and every reason to wanna leave!I’ve been feeling guilty because I want to be away from him and living in this small town only 3 miles apart its impossible!
    But you have 2 people that tou have had to deal with and that really sucks!I wish you peace, and hopefully some closure someday, I dont have the answers for you, nor myself we just have to reach out and realize there ARE other people strugging just as we are, and we all understand your confusion and pain!
    Best wishes to you and GOD BLESS!

  106. Walt  May 5, 2019 at 1:34 pm Reply

    I know it reads, “your grief isn’t validated by others,” but after reading the main article, then all the shared stories here, it makes me feel validated, in the sense that I am not alone with these complicated emotions. Thank you everybody, for sharing, and for being so brave!

    I’m having a hard time to forgive my biological father, who was kicked out of the house by my (pregnant) mother. I was barely a year old when this happened. I think it’s brave of mom to exit from an abusive relationship.

    My biological dad never came to our place to see us, despite my mom having no rules about keeping us away from his side of the family. It was his decision not to visit. As our grandmother, his mother, said, “He was too ashamed to show up.” We never knew his side of the family until he died in 2016.

    When we, my mom, brother, and I, received news that this man died, I’ll admit, I danced upon hearing it! But of course, I was civil during the wake. My step siblings were grieving, but I couldn’t even afford to feel sad/ sorry that he died? Only after 20 years, I meet the man who verbally abused my mother, lying in a coffin. How could I feel joy, nor grief, nor pain? It was like looking at a stranger, as if my “father” was as ordinary as any person I passed by the streets. I didn’t even know this was his face, or that he was balding.

    I guess, to add an indirect reason why I’m having a hard time to not hate this man… it’s because of my brother. Now, my brother, is acting… sort of like our biological dad…? My brother impregnated his (ex) girlfriend. He is also abusive to her, hitting her and yelling profanities at her. He is also currently unemployed. It is exactly like our father. Disgusting. It’s like the cycle that our father started is simply being passed down or something. His gf is venting out to me, and while I appreciate the trust, it’s stressing the fuck out of me and my mental health is not even 50% good.

    Anyway, I’m reading up related articles, and it all seems to point out to forgiveness. I guess I have no choice. I really have to learn to let it go. But, one step at a time. I want to heal, and I know, healing is a long work-in-progress. I’ll struggle to work this out. Thank you for writing this!

  107. Bette Taylor  May 1, 2019 at 12:39 pm Reply

    Thank you for this article. I am going through a complicated grief. My Pastor/ husband was very abusive. i had about 30 good days out of the last 14 years with him. I am glad the abuse is gone and will never return. I hated to watch him die from cancer, but I honored him with dignity and respect. I did not have to become him. I was so glad to have my feelings put into this article, It helps me learn how to grieve, and how to handle my feelings toward him.

    • SJ  June 27, 2019 at 10:52 pm Reply

      I can totally relate to you, Bette. I was married to a physically and emotionally abusive man for almost 22 years. However, exactly a year before he died he was diagnosed with inoperable pancreatic cancer. That diagnosis changed him. In his final year of life, he was actually pretty nice to me. I cried a lot when he passed away (very strange, but true nevertheless), but now, I’m immensely relieved and feel that his death was like winning the lottery. Yay! I can finally do what I want and be the person I want to be. I can be my authentic self and am no longer ‘imprisoned’. Through all our married life, you would think we had it all, but I came home each night to a horrible, horrible man and lived in a House of Horrors.

  108. Lacey  April 26, 2019 at 1:45 am Reply

    I just found out my biological father died. We didn’t ever get along he was mean and always starting some arguement. I hated him. Now I cry then get pissed off I am crying over a man that was trash literally. I am so confused I don’t know how I feel or should feel.

  109. Andre Jones  April 2, 2019 at 3:04 pm Reply

    This was very helpful. My mom was not the best mom. I tried to forgive and forget all of her faults, but she was a difficult and tough person to live with. We haven’t spoken for Twenty years over something cruel she did, and she just died yesterday. I thought of he being gone for that long, but I am sad. Your term of disenfranchised grief fits the bill. And feeling bad needs to be validated. I really appreciate the ‘kindness’ factor in this article. It made me feel better.
    I think all anyone really needs is to be able to put that sadness into perspective to feel better.

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    • Sunny  August 15, 2019 at 3:22 pm Reply

      What many don’t realize is that you can deeply love someone and still not like them or their ways.Sounds like you aren’t sure why she ditched you. It could be that she was being abused in a way that threatened your life. She may not have been strong enough to tell you. I know as I went through that with what I once thought was my daughter. I was strong enough it just wasn’t enough. She had been told lies all her life about me.Then to find out I wasn’t the nightmare they claimed was disconcerting to her. I went out of my way to find her. She never even called me after six long months [even though she told me they thought she may have cancer and was scheduled for testing] Finally I had to accept certain things I had seen from her as well.This was even more disconcerting to me than most know. I came to accept, that I not only felt like a human incubator but in reality ,that was all I ever was. This was on top of multiple people both in my and my exes life[friends and family]dyeing with in a few years.

  110. mary  March 25, 2019 at 9:43 am Reply

    i just lost my brother this weekend. he put me through hell growing up, and no one really understood that it was far worse than ‘siblings being siblings.’ ive said some harsh and unkind things in return out of my anger and frustration. i wanted distance. but not like this. i can’t say whether i do or don’t miss him, since i’ve spent the last 2 or 3 years wishing he’d just leave me alone. how do you grieve someone you’ve wished you wouldn’t see anymore? I just hope he’s found peace. He believed in God, and while i’m agnostic, I hope he’s gone with Him.

    • Jalu  March 27, 2019 at 11:59 pm Reply

      I can totally relate. My brother just passed and he put me and my mom through so much over the years. Visiting prisons, sending him $ all for him to finally get out and become a drug addict. He stopped calling/visiting unless he needed something. I stopped allowing him in my life about a year ago and now he’s gone for good. I don’t actually even know the last time I saw him but I was still mad at him when I did see him. I wanted to just have a normal brother but I knew it would never happen. I feel like I made the right decision when I set healthy boundaries but I also wish I could have helped him because he was severely mentally Ill. I have a lot of mixed emotions about everything and am also still in shock. I hope you find some peace because no matter what he’ll always be your brother. But your feelings are your feelings. I think we all can grow from these situations I’m some way.

  111. Nancy Burke  March 24, 2019 at 12:15 am Reply

    I was married for 10 years to a horribly abusive man who oh I won’t say got me hooked on smoking cocaine but he introduced me to it. My fault that I did it my fault that I introduce my children to such a horrible stepfather they actually named him Satan. Anyway I haven’t seen him since 2000 when I left him he followed me home choked me till I passed out and then fled back to California our home state. Before that he had separated my shoulder in one of the domestic violence incidences that we had had. I hated him probably 2 years into the marriage or less but I loved the cocaine that we did together and I could not get over the addiction while I was with him. Anyway once he left went back to California I carried on got straight got forgiveness from my daughters for everything I put them through I am now 63 my daughters are grown with their own kids and everything is pretty good between us all. My older daughter kept in touch with my ex’s daughter and told her about a year ago how he was suffering from cancer and she was taking care of him. Didn’t really know how to respond to that but I’ve already forgiven him because I know that forgiveness is more for me than for the person who wronged me. He he died two nights ago in California. I’ve not talked to him once since he left here after the last time he tried to kill me. I didn’t know how to react to the news. I went on his sister and his daughters pages on Facebook and said I’m sorry for the loss of your brother / father and I am truly sorry that they are sad of the loss of him. I truly hope that he made some kind of peace with his maker or God or whatever before he left this planet. He never ever asked for my forgiveness because I truly think that he was sociopath and didn’t think that he did anything wrong. This page right here and all of the responses I’ve seen and the article itself have been a great help to me because I am feeling like I’m grieving but I’m not and it’s a very strange feeling I don’t know how to react. But like I said this article has helped a lot because it laid some stuff out and it really hit home that this is how I feel. Kind of guilty that I’m not sad, but I am sad maybe just because he was a husband of mine and why couldn’t we have had a great life together? Another great thing about this article is it says how an abusive person abuse can extend to so many parts of a person’s life and it’s so true because my daughter’s been dealing lately with her teenage son and she and I were talking about the fact that none of my daughter’s kids have had to deal with what my daughters had to deal with with Satan as a stepfather. So hopefully some good has come from the relationship that I had with him. It was horrible and he was not a nice person I’m sorry to say. I will not step on his family’s grief by posting anything horrible about him or anything else and let them grieve him in their own way but I was very confused about how I was supposed to be feeling and why I was sad because this man that treated me so horribly has died. So yeah this is a really good article to read it helped me a lot

    • Pamela Pruett  April 27, 2019 at 3:28 pm Reply

      Well, I’ve been married for 37 years in June to a good man, but have wanted out for years. Divorce is not an option. I would lose too much if I walked away. I thought he might die a couple of years ago, but he didn’t. I know this sounds horrible, but I don’t know how much longer this will go on. I know no one does but God. I am just trying to figure out how to cope for however much longer I live or he lives. I am 67, and like I said before, I don’t feel like my options are what they would have been if I were younger. Who knows, I might go before him, but it has been a long hard slog. This is a subject that I can talk to no one about, not even a counselor probably. He would find out if I did that, or the counselor would probably tell me to leave. There are things I won’t to do before I pass on and he’s not a bit interested in doing anything. I wonder if I’ll ever be able to do some of my bucket list things. At the rate I’m going I’ll probably won’t if I outlive him. I’ll be too old I am not the poor woman who has lost her husband in war, or will get a lot of sympathy.

      • jo  October 21, 2019 at 8:13 am

        i totally get it. some men are just vacant, treat you like an employee, not nasty, not cruel, just not there, hugs,

    • Diana Mcgowan  May 14, 2019 at 3:12 pm Reply

      Omg I’m went though the same day 10 years my child father abused me mentally he just died I don’t no how to feel he was a sociopath.. I feel bad for my son cause that was his dad. I wish I could talk to you…

  112. Becca  February 15, 2019 at 8:59 am Reply

    I knew this girl and she passed today. She had left my friend alone and I yelled at her. It turned out she couldn’t stay because she was sick I didnt know. Now I feel like it was my fault and I just want her to know I didnt hate her I actually kinda liked her she was good to my friend and I’m sorry. But I cant because it’s too late.

  113. Tina Wilson  February 13, 2019 at 9:15 am Reply

    A friend and I use this term loosely, as terminal cancer, we have had an on off relationship, her husband and my husband are brothers, she as always been overweight and dieting and depression have ruled her life, she as always been spiteful and manipulative and for some reason not sure why maybe because I am slim ,I don’t know!!! her controlling and manipulative ways are always vented at me, I had stopped being around her for the last 5 years, but for some reason she wanted me to see her again, and have been seeing her for the last few months, things started out ok, but now she talks to me with contempt, messes me about when its ok to visit, contradicts anything I say. I am not going again but why do I feel guilty??

  114. orchidtender  January 22, 2019 at 9:45 pm Reply

    This is so helpful. I have lost my mom, dad, all grandparents and of 2 of 5 siblings, as well as 2 close friends. None of this has prepared me for the recent news that my ex husband (about 37 yrs together & 6 apart) and dad of my 3 adult kids has aggressive cancer.

    We were very good parents together but not good mates for each other and the divorce has been extremely difficult, as both of us value family. He was extremely selfish in the divorce and I now realize the extent of my own money issues and yet he is a generous dad so others do not understand.

    To now have him back in this way, and to understand exactly what my daughters will go through, is all of the things this article touches on. Thank you so much for validating all my feelings and confusion.

  115. Jewel  January 19, 2019 at 1:47 am Reply

    My Mom died last September after battling Leukemia for over a year. I was the one who did everything for her, both while she was healthy and when she became sick. In 2012 on Christmas Day, there was an explosive episode that led me to try and figure out why my Mother was so horrible and cruel. As I researched, it became clear to me that she has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I’ve been researching it for years, and trying to heal those wounds from a lifetime of dealing with how horribly she treated me, and everyone really. When she died, even though there was relief, there was also sadness. The relief came first though because in the last months of her life she got worse and worse. She told me that I just wanted her to die, and other horrible things. What I wanted was the chance to have a loving mother daughter relationship with her, but that was never going to happen. I know that people with NPD have extreme self image issues, and a lot of their behaviors comes from being miserable inside themselves, but when they are pointing their nastiness at you, it’s hard not to feel the multitudes of hurt and anger that comes from hearing a parent tell you those things. I had a hard time with the approaching of her death, because we all knew it would come, and I was raised to be the good girl who did the right thing. But I was also hurt, and angry, and part of me wanted to tell the world the truth about her. What did help me was that I had time, to sit and reflect before she passed, to write her eulogy, and though I knew it’d be hard to do when she did pass, I planned to read it myself. I chronicled the facts of her life, and I did do her right by focusing on the positives that were there about her. But, I also wrote it in such a way as to be honest. I found ways to write creatively that made me feel like I was also honoring my truth in the situations I had experienced with her. I mentioned how daring and strong she was, and talked about how spirited she could be. I talked about how she stood up for what she believed in, and how that did cause us to sometimes butt heads. It was a gentle truth, that took the negatives and made them honest, but not unkind. Because while she was spirited, it was often in a way that made her rage at me for minute things like putting a fork in the dishwasher the wrong way, or when she and I butted heads because she was standing up for what she believed in, sometimes that meant she would believe that I was a horrible person who never did anything right or if I felt differently about ANYTHING than she did, I was wrong and horrible for it. So in a way, I was able to speak my truth, and hers as well. It helped me to ensure that I did right by her, for MY minds peace, and for my conscience, but to also honor her for those that didn’t see that side of her when her mask was up. It wasn’t just me that lost her, and while I don’t forgive all the years of horrible things she did to so many people, there were a lot of people she had presented a false self to, who did love her, and felt close to her, and they had lost that person. I would have felt horrible for taking away who she was to them, because if she had been someone positive to me, I think I would have been crushed to find that she wasn’t, especially at the time of her death. I’ve read some comments here, and all I can say is do what is right for you. But if you can, if it is possible at all, honor them as much as you can, because you will be able to in time, look back and say, I did the best I could for them. It might not feel like that right away, because I know I struggled a LOT with guilt over my relief. But eventually, you will be able to look past the guilt, and remember how hard you worked to give them a decent end of life, and a decent memory, which speaks volumes about who YOU are, and not so much about who they are or were. You’ll be able to eventually give yourself a break over any anger or guilt or crappy negative feelings toward them, if you remain a kind and gentle person, for you. Just do what you can to find help, and support for yourself through the hard times too, so you don’t fall into the pit of despair that negative people can bring. I wish you luck, and healing.

    1
    • Freida  March 28, 2019 at 4:19 am Reply

      Jewel, you are a better person than me. I do not expect to deliver a eulogy at either of my parents funeral. Fortunately I have 5 siblings and I am hoping they will have the spirit to do it.
      I had other deceased friends and relatives that I was able to eulogize. They were not all perfect people, but they were so kind and loving to me that is what my takeaway was.
      My parents divorced when I was young. To this day neither one has ever apologized for the hurtful things they have said and done.
      I do not know how I will feel when they die, but I am quite certain I cannot deliver a eulogy.
      I am glad you have found a way to do it. God bless you.

    • Annette Wallace  April 16, 2019 at 9:40 am Reply

      “honor them as much as you can, because you will be able to in time, look back and say, I did the best I could for them. ” Well stated and a well written response to this article Jewel. I’m sure your eulogy was equally as well said. Thanks for sharing you journey for others who are still finding their way. 🙂

    • sheryl  May 4, 2019 at 10:37 pm Reply

      Jewel, I totally relate to your comments. My mother (who is still alive at 87) is a cruel narcissist who made fun of me and never let me have an opinion which was different than hers. Everything had to be all about her. My brother–who was just like her–died one month ago. He was also cruel and angry. He loved to order people around and talk down to you. I am struggling with my emotions. I am sad that he died. He he was so mean to me and everyone. He didn’t talk to me for the last 15 years, my mother for 30 years, my aunt for 10 years. He apologized when he got the news that he had cancer–but his anger was still present, albeit on his last few days on earth, it disappeared. I rushed to his bedside and did as much as I could for him. He accused me of visiting him for his inheritance–and I’m pretty sure that he changed his will. I know that I did everything that I could for him–and much more than he deserved–but nothing was ever good enough. Struggling with his death.

      1
    • Beth  August 10, 2019 at 7:12 pm Reply

      Jewel, thank you, thank you, thank you. You said SO many things that hit me, but this one in particular really got to me. ” there were a lot of people she had presented a false self to, who did love her, and felt close to her, and they had lost that person. I would have felt horrible for taking away who she was to them, because if she had been someone positive to me, I think I would have been crushed to find that she wasn’t, especially at the time of her death.”

      Thank you for saying this and reminding me of the people who know my mother as someone entirely different than I do. I have struggled all my life with people that came up to me and said how sweet/precious/lovely, etc. my mother was. I would just smile and sometimes say thank you, since I didn’t know that person…. I don’t want to burst their bubble when my mother passes soon. And it’s not like I was going to say anything negative, I’m not. But in reminding me that there are people who will truly grieve her loss in a way I can’t, I am on alert to be particularly careful in my exchanges with them. I don’t want to give anything away. I don’t want to spoil their image of her.

      And I too am doing everything to give her a loving (as much as possible) thoughtful send off. I don’t want any more regrets than I know I will already have.

      Thank you, and God bless you for your candor and wisdom.

      1
  116. Barbara Ferguson  January 18, 2019 at 11:46 am Reply

    My husband of 17 years is dying of cancer. He is just 58. He HS beome so verbally and emotionally abusive to me and our two children over the past year.
    The first year he wasn’t too bad. We were helping him fight the cancer with daily chemo trips and radiation. However, a year later, when he was diagnosed as terminal, his anger overcame him and it hasn’t left!
    I’m not sure if it’s because if the severe pain he’s in. Or, it might be all the narcotics he is taking or not taking as the case may be. He’s on 4 different pain meds. From Oxys to Morphine and everything in between. He was in recovery for 11 years prior to this.
    I know he doesn’t want to die. He has said as much. Our children are young, just 12 and 15. He wanted to see our daughter married.
    The cancer is in his face, neck and throat now. It has travelled by blood into his hips and lungs.
    But he’s become so violent. Always threatening to leave. Packing bags and yelling. Balling his fists, grabbing at me or my belongings. I’ve called 911 but hung up. My daughter is scared and wonders what has happened to him. She meets with me secretary in my room at 1am to tell me how it’s affecting her or how scared she is.
    My son is intellectually disabled and is acting out at school.
    I don’t know what to do.
    I feel like I can’t leave a dying man. That wouldn’t be right.
    Besides, when we married, I became the “Stay at Hime Mommy.” He handles all the finances, pays the bills etc. I hardly have money to cover us. We’re living in a home rent free that his father owns. I feel stuck!
    He’s supposed to be showing me the finances and turning over all this stuff to me for the sake of the future for me and our children but all he can do is aggravate everyone all the time.

    • Widowed  September 24, 2019 at 7:47 pm Reply

      I hope to God I’m not too late responding! My husband went through this before he passed away from cancer of the same origin! Go and get a power of attorney! Become the beneficiary to his accounts! Get the living will signed for those kids asap! I submitted and believed he took care of all of these things as he promised he did when he was first diagnosed. Then, when he got sick again he became nasty and abusive towards the kids and I… when he died, we were left with nothing! I can’t even pay our bills because everything we owned was is his name and he controlled all the money. State laws will kick in and depending on where you live, will depend greatly on how badly off you will be! Again, I hope this finds you in time. Please, make sure you do this… power of attorney can be obtained through the doctors if he is not in a good mental state. But it can be forced on him by law if he knows he is sick and isn’t willing to help you.

  117. Shann  January 18, 2019 at 12:00 am Reply

    My mother passed away 2 weeks ago but I lost her many years ago. She was on & off drugs my whole life, had anger issues, would beat me, and half the time my father wasn’t there because he couldn’t handle her either. Eventually I went to live with my grandma. Most of my family assumed it was because I was a difficult teen. This is the same family that denied my mom had problems. I put myself through school & have a successful career. Over the years I built a wall to keep out toxic people, including my mom. In my 20s and 30s I’d make attempts to try to have a relationship with my mom but something would always happen. Over the years she vilified me (but I guess she probably started that in my teens). She even turned my own daughter against me. I didn’t make it to the hospital to say good bye, but I did travel there. Planned and paid for her funeral. My brother and daughter all accusing me of doing this for myself. No one ever stepped up. She’d probably still be in the morgue if it wasn’t for me. My father finally said thank you. My sister who also had a strained relationship stood by my side.

    After reading these posts, I wish I would have asked her “why”. I always wanted her to acknowledge the things she did but she lied throughout her whole life.

    Thus far the most therapeutic thing has been going through pictures of us when I was a toddler. I looked happy & so did she. Why did that have to change? Somehow I plan to ask my own daughter why she hates me. What my mother did to poison her.

    • Freida  March 28, 2019 at 4:57 am Reply

      Shaun
      Good on you for paying for the funeral and doing the right thing all those years ago – leaving!
      I am sure you would not have accomplished the things you did if you had your mom trash talking you in your adult life. I wish I was so fortunate.
      As for your mother poisoning your daughter against you – it seems to me that since you escaped your mother had to substantiate herself as a great mom by telling your daughter how “horrible” you were. Otherwise, why would you leave a perfectly good mother?
      I have a mother who doesn’t even bother to hide her negative opinions of me in any way at all. It is very hurtful to me. I have no children. She talks trash to me about my grandmother who was very kind to me.
      Honestly, any grandmother who speaks disparagingly to their own granddaughter about their mother is basically telling the child that their mother is not a good person. Why did your mother not let your daughter make up her own mind about that? In addition to my mother I had many relatives say untrue, mean and negative things about me. It was very hurtful. And I was a nearby target. So your mother was only able to hurt you by alienating you from your own daughter because you got out.
      Your mother sounds like she is guilty of manipulating your daughter. She may have acted like a saint towards your daughter.
      My father acts like a saint towards my nieces and nephews. They think he is great. The only time he acts in a reasonable manner towards me is when they are around. He likes to “look good” around them. I have no idea what he says to my siblings about me, but I am sure it is not a lot of nice things.
      Shaun, good luck in the future. I honestly do not think you should make disparaging remarks to your daughter about your mother. Your mother may have treated your daughter in a very kind manner, even though she did not do that for you. However I do think you have the right to correct any negative remarks or facts your mother may have told her about you. It is only right.
      Some mean mothers destroy everything and everyone around them. It is a sickness – toxicity as you so correctly put it.
      I am glad you had your grandparents there to help you and turned out to be a normal woman. Perhaps someday your daughter will know your truth – maybe from your father or your sister. Sounds like you were the only one who made it out of there.
      God bless you.

  118. S  January 15, 2019 at 8:04 am Reply

    My step father recently got diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. He and my mum married about 35 years ago. He abused me. Neither of them ever really wanted me or had time for me. We didn’t have a nice or loving home ever. I always felt in the way and pretty miserable and really lonely and isolated. I’m an only child too which makes it worse. I told my mum what had happened but he accused me of lying and she sided with him. The impact of the whole thing has affected my whole life. I wanted him to hurry up and die so I could finally get counselling and talk about it all and make my life better without the risk of causing him or my mum any stress by bringing it up but now he’s actually dying I’m relieved that I won’t have to constantly be worried about him doing anything to anyone else and that he will obviously stop with his lies about me and control of my mother but I’ve found that I’m really sad for my mother because she adores him and is devastated. I also kind of dislike her more than I dislike him because I’m her only daughter and she didn’t believe me, in fact she totally went along with his hate towards me after I said what happened and caused me no end of pain and tears as a result, pretty much because she loved him more and he was more important to her. I also feel bad for him because he has this cancer and he’s going to die soon and he is terrified. I don’t like seeing my parents suffering like this and in pain. Im doing my best to help out with shopping etc… For them but my feelings are all over the place and I now I need counselling to help me make sense of it all.

    • D  January 20, 2019 at 5:15 pm Reply

      Keep your voice recorder on when you go see him or around him. See if you can get him to open up to things without others around. Being this close to death, he may want to clear his conscience or ask forgiveness. Then you can play it back for your mother, so she has to know the truth.

  119. Villemo  January 14, 2019 at 7:44 pm Reply

    My father died yesterday . Father I haven’t spoken to in 8 years ,an absent grandfather in my child’s life , he hasn’t been well last two years and I thought I was ready for him to go … I’ve cried before …I’ve already mourned …but actually I’m doing it again . Can’t cope ,suddenly wish that I called him at Christmas,suddenly long to call him Dad again even though he never was a Dad .He was a monster , a selfish person with twisted mind but I never said that to him , never asked why he can’t appreciate things life has given him . I don’t even know why I’m crying,I’m so confused .

  120. Sarah  January 13, 2019 at 10:32 am Reply

    My dad is 98 right now and we think he is passing. He has always been very cruel and abusuve to our entire family. My mother who should have protected us from this abuse fawns over him right now. He is just as mean as he always was. Has no interest or care in his children’s lives and literally said to my mom yesterday “I’m glad you are here and appreciate the company and this sentiment is for you and no one else in this room” MEANING ME! I never did anything to him. He abused and mentally tortured me for years of my life and I suffer tremendous anxiety and depression as an adult from this. People say to forgive and I can, I don’t suffer from those things because I am holding onto some grudge, I’ve been to enough therapy to understand why I have this. People say “oh you just have to move on.” The best way of explaining this is that sure, I can move on but if he hit me with a car and I couldn’t walk I would still have to live with those injuries. I have to live forever with how his abuse has damaged the way I cope with life.

    Anyway he is just as mean but doesn’t have any real power over me.

    My question is what do I tell people when they express sorrow at my father dying and when he does pass? Should I be honest and say “he was always cruel.” No one will be singing his praises but can I tell the truth?

    • Holly  January 13, 2019 at 6:36 pm Reply

      Sarah.
      It’s like you are talking about my father.
      He was mentally abusive, amongst other things, while growing up.
      I separated at a young age.
      When he got sick I became his caregiver, there was no one else.
      I was there for his final and agonizing death.
      He passed away and we had his funeral yesterday…

      YESTERDAY. 1/12/19. So when I read your post. It struck a nerve.
      Respond back if you wish to talk.

    • D  January 20, 2019 at 5:19 pm Reply

      You can tell the truth. I’ve seen it happen with others and it is much healthier to tell the truth. Much. For myself, I regret not confronting people before they died and not saying anything after. Do it. It is not wrong of you. Forgive yes, but you don’t have to withhold your story or lie.

  121. R  January 10, 2019 at 1:57 pm Reply

    This was helpful. My mom is dying, she has pancreatic cancer and won’t live much longer. I will rejoice when she dies! For all the people out there that are just chomping at the bit to say she’s your mother! STFU! You don’t anything. If I feel this way that you better believe that I a life time of reasons and a severely damaged mind that I will have to live with for the rest of my life even after she dies. Let me give some advice to mothers out there. DONT EVER USE GUILT TRIPS AND MANIPULATION TO GET AFFECTION FROM YOUR KIDS!!! EVER!!!! My mother did this to me for years and even now 26 years later since she kicked me out she is still trying her hardest to unload guilt and every kind of emotional manipulation she can think of to try to extract some sort of emotion from me! This is why I hope she dies soon. I’m convinced that she will set up some system that will send me random cards with no return address on them dumping some sort of emotional guilt trips on me! I have blatantly told her and showed her by my actions that I don’t want anything to do with her and in doing that it has made me feel terrible! It didn’t work. She just keeps on heaping more guilt and emotional drama on me!!! If she wasn’t dying I would cuss her out and say every mean thing I could think of not to be mean but to try to get it through her thick skull that I was not put on this earth to fill her black hole of emotional neediness!!! I didn’t deserve this mess!

    • Sunny  August 15, 2019 at 4:11 pm Reply

      Being angry is normal. What I would like to know is why after 26 years are you still holding a grudge over her kicking you out. This is a normal reaction from a parent to a child especially if they think it would help them become an adult.If she can still rile you up, then you still have a emotional bond ,you may not want, but still have.If you didn’t, then you would have just ignored her and her demands. But, I must admit, it makes me happy ,I have a unique non relationship with the tissue I incubated. I protected her and ended up feeling like a human incubator. I made contact once and she let me know, that I was in reality ,nothing more than an incubator. Its going to make funerals and lack of grief very easy.Neither of us will know when the other dies and wont be there for the other. And at this point I am sure neither of us care either

  122. Ashia Hurtado  December 13, 2018 at 10:14 pm Reply

    One more question about my dad dying the other day. His funeral is on Saturday. How do I handle that? How do I deal with family when all I feel is pain and anger towards my dad? I was thinking about possibly not attending, so I can save myself from more hurt or pain even from the family members. My aunt thinks I shouldn’t go until the summer so that she can be there to be my support and also so I can possibly mend some. I also dont know how to be sympathetic or speak to people in this situation. So do I go and possibly blow up and let them know how / he and step mom hurt me or do I wait until summer? Also I dont now how to mend when I didnt get the closure I need and deserve. I blame my dad and my step mom and the family because they let it happen and didnt stand up for me and didnt tell him to be a father to me. He died probably thinking he was perfect and a good dad to his his kids.. (the other kids). My aunt on his side says she think it was my step mom and the religion that kept him away. I am atheist. But for his religious background all I can say is I hope and pray that he dont go to the pearly gates in the place people call heaven. He dont deserve it.

    • Tracy Polk  December 21, 2018 at 8:51 am Reply

      I am really having a hard time. My moms boyfriend of 21 years died 2 years ago. For the first half of that time, he was physically abusive to my mom. He finally stopped that after he went to jail. It still wasnt a healthy relationship because he was an alcoholic but he was better than he was before. So the years after that, I kind of developed a love/hate relationship with him. My own father is alive but had a stroke and is paralyzed on one side and cant talk, so it was nice to have somewhat of a father figure, since my dad couldnt be there for me. I started to actually think of him as my stepdad. Just months before he died, he tried to make a move on me while drunk. He said some disgusting things and even grabbed my boob. My mom was napping in the other room and i had been staying with them that week to help my mom out. I honestly was in shock and hurt and angry. I dont think I have ever felt so violated. I called my sister to come get me and woke my mom up and told her i had to go but didnt tell her what happened. I went home and I was so depressed and just devestated and I couldnt get it out of my head. I told my boyfriend at the time, I wish he would die already. The next day, he had a stroke. I felt so bad and guilty for what i had said but I still didnt want to go to my moms if at all possible, because he was there. He had also found out he had lung cancer. This only made my guilt worse. I did end up telling my mom about what happened but she pretty much tried to make excuses and ignored it. I felt bad telling her, It just came out because she kept saying how he was like a dad to me and loved me so much. I left it at that because i knew she would not confront it anyway. It was another few months and I got a phone call from my daughter, he had been in an accident and most likely would only live 48 hours. Im like what? So I rush to the hospital because I know my mom is going to be devastated. I spent the next 4 days at the hospital with her and him. I even comforted him and held his hand. I felt like I had to for my mom, for my own guilt and also because i wouldnt wish the suffering he had on anyone. It did help my guilt some. So here we are 2 years later. My mom lives with me now because she is in the beginning stages of dementia and cant live alone. She has spiraled since his death. She drinks all of the time and is just so negative about everything. Sometimes I just want to scream, he treated you like crap and tried to molest me, why are you destroying yourself over him!? But I dont. Its just hard to deal with sometimes. On top of all of this, i am the only one who had to see his last horrible breathes and i cant get that and the vision of him opening his eyes the last time when i said his name, a few days before out of my head. I blocked my moms view to spare her that. A few seconds before he died, i told him im sorry, i wish we could take this away from you and that was it. I dont know how im sposed to feel anymore. I try to support my moms grief and be patient and understanding with her. Inside though, i am in turmoil. I just want to forget what he did and forget his death but i am constantly reminded.

  123. Ashia Hurtado  December 13, 2018 at 9:34 pm Reply

    My dad just died December 10, 2018. When I was younger he was a part of my life for two years. Then he remarried and had kids with the step mom. Then he made less of an attempt to be in my life. We were so close then to. I started to feel abandonment. But I was ok because I had my mom. She is the greatest and was always there for me. She became my mom and dad. I know she hurt too to have to watch me hurt. Especially when he told me he was coming to get me then a little bit later call and say he didnt have food to feed me and I looked at my mom and told her I dont need to eat. I just want to see my dad. Or he wasn’t going to be in the area only to find out he was visiting family that was near me. I was 8 or 9 then. When I was 13 I asked if I could go live with him and him and step mom told me no. He already had 3 other kids by then. I saw him for an hour after my daughter was 4. Then it was awhile again that I would talk to him again. Then I got sick , depressed and severely suicidal. I had to call and medical records from him. Come to find out its hereditary and he just didnt tell me anything. Then it was another some odd years we talked. I was 27 and it was my birthday and we went to a family reunion. So my family got on the mic and said everyone let’s wish Ashia happy birthday. My dad stood up and embarrassingly said, “IT’S YOUR BIRTHDAY? I DIDN’T KNOW” that tore me to pieces. I knew then I didnt matter. They are jehovah witnesses so they dont even celebrate. But that’s no excuse. We ended up leaving because it hurt me for one and for two we didnt follow there Mexican traditions. So everybody was getting rude. I’m Mexican and white. Had he been a part of my life I would of learned that and learned to speak and understand them. So I was even more hurt and he hardly talked to me that day , after all those years. Another time 5 years later, I was in a bad way and wanted to kill myself. Asked if me and my girls could go there for awhile. Him and his wife told me no they didnt need the negativity around. I drank and got alcohol poisoning. After that I was a raging alcohol and a drug user. Once some of the family found out, then they wanted nothing to do with me. They didnt care that I was hurting. That’s when I needed everyone the most. I got into trouble. I got remarried and was happy as ever. My mom had my girls and then me and my husband ended up on the streets. Then he got in trouble and was looking at prison time. After court he only got probation. Then we decided we better straighten up. So we moved to my aunts and things are better. The last time I talked to my dad was in 2011. There was a tornado in Windsor Colorado where he lives. I was scared and tried reaching him for 3 days. I was scared he was gone. I dont even know why. He dont care obviously if I died. But still I talked to him. By then he was an alcoholic, diabetic , severely depressed and agoraphobic. Anyways so ending our conversation I told him I loved him. He acted like he didnt hear me or he was thrown off guard. So I was hurt and repeating myself. “I LOVE YOU DAD.!” All he said is ” OH, OK”. Crushed for the rest of my life. I needed closure. I’ve wrote him so many times asking why he did all this to me , why he never reached out to me. Why didnt I matter? But now get this, I never sent them because i was worried I’d hurt him. Now 8snt that sick. I should never had to feel or think that way. He could of reached out at anytime in my 40 years. And gave me closure. Now once again I’m still severely depressed on tons of meds. Got other medical things going on now that make it so I can’t work right now or lead a normal life. And bipolar . The only thing that keeps me going is my mom, my brother, my husband , my girls and my precious therapy dog. When my aunt called and said he died that day I was sad but I was also happy. I was glad that pos sob was gone. He didnt deserve me. He didnt deserve anything. I couldnt cry because my emotions are out of whack and I dont know how to feel compassion. It’s always hard when someone passes away because I can’t be supportive and I dont know how to reply or comfort I dont like to cry because it’s a sign if weakness so I never cry. So how was I really supposed to feel at that moment. Then the next day all the emotions hit. I couldnt stop crying. It hit me that that pos always gets away with everything and now he has gotten away with hurting me all these years, never apologizing or giving me the closure I need to live. I was so hurt. I wanted to kill myself. Which it would of happened that day most definitely, knowing also that’s all I want to do is die. I’ve been waiting my whole life for that moment. Now the moment is here cuz I’m so hurt and instead I stopped myself and called my husband at work and had him come home because I dont feel it’s safe for me to be home alone. He took two days off for me and today I went to my moms. I slept all day. I couldnt be around them, just wanted to be alone. But at least I’m still alive and I will keep doing so until I get over this. But my question is how do I move on without that closure and the love that he wouldn’t return. I also realized all the stuff I’m going through in my life was because of him. How do I get over that and be happy finally in my life and how do I live? How do I learn to feel the emotions that i never really had. I dont even hug my kids cuz I’m not that kind if person. My whole life and mind is in a bubble and I dont want anyone in my bubble. I’ve become withdrawn. All i know is pain aloneness and to how to hurt others. I dont want to feel all this. I want to be normal and a great mom, wife, sister and daughter. I also wanted to add, it’s been 4 days now and my step mom has not even tried to reach out to me. Only my aunt and my cousin on his side. All my family on my mom’s side have been very supportive. Especially my husband because he went through the same thing with his dad before his dad died. So he knows what I’m feeling and how messed up I am . Sorry I put my life story out there. I needed to get out and I need help to get over it and to forgive and love him fully instead of the love/hate I’m feeling toland that I’m happy he is gone. Thank u.

    • Freida  July 7, 2019 at 11:43 pm Reply

      Listen to yourself. She’s dead. She is not there anymore to ruin your life by saying mean things to you or your surviving family members.
      I can’t wait until my parents die. They made so many family holidays miserable for me I simply stopped attending.
      Enjoy your own Thanksgiving. Make it for you and your family. Your mother is dead and buried. Be grateful she is not there in person to ruin one more day for you. You cannot rewrite the past.
      Is is now YOUR Thanksgiving to create in a manner you wish.
      Your mother is dead and it is unfortunate that she acted so badly when she was alive. As you can tell by this blog you are not the only person who had really bad parents.
      She is now dead. Give thanks that she can do no more harm to you or any of your family. It’s over.

  124. Sandy  November 22, 2018 at 10:17 pm Reply

    Today is Thanksgiving. Both my mom, my dad and my sister are gone. Really, all of my family except my son and a few cousins. I find myself thinking about my mom and how she hated me. I was the second sibling and a mistake, an oops. Thanksgiving always reminds me of her dislike of me, no matter how I tried to provide a beautiful meal and pretty table just to please her. I know that her ways were from her mother who left her to raise her brothers at an early age. I have tried to understand her feelings for her disdain for me and understand that her mother abandoning her hurt her so very much. I really believe that she acted out because of that. I have always known from a small child that she wishes I had not been born. Fortunately, my dad’s mom was wonderful and loved me to the core, and I knew it. My mom didn’t like her either. I think because everyone loved my grandmother and my grandmother was a wonderful mom to her five children and all the grand kids. She was loving, sweet and charitable. I think my mother was jealous that she didn’t have that from her mother. I wasn’t close to her mother not fully understanding why until I got to be a teenager and saw the impact her missing as a mother had left my own mother. She was an alcoholic and only came around when she was drunk. I hated it and swore it would never be part of my life, and I never allowed it in my own home. I don’t know how to cope with these feelings of being unloved my my own mother, and they always come up every Thanksgiving as I remember the cruel and nasty things she said that were so unnecessary. Just don’w know how to deal with it.

  125. M  November 20, 2018 at 4:45 am Reply

    This article really helped me.
    My Grandma died yesterday and I feel so strange about it. Growing up I was exceptionally close to her mainly because I was her favourite.. but then I had children and my children were not her favourite great-children. She left them out.. forgot their birthdays and just generally made us all feel like rubbish. It was only then that I realised how my siblings and cousins must have felt growing up!

    I explained a number of times how I was feeling and although she would admit I was right.. nothing changed. I cut her off 3 years ago and didn’t look back… only now she’s dead and everyone is messaging me saying how sorry they are.. I’m off work struggling to cope with my emotions and all I really want to do is hide away until it’s all passed!

    One thing not mentioned in this article is what to do about the funeral.. do I go and risk the family attacking me or do I not attend and risk the family attacking me…
    I’m just at a loss…
    Those closest to me keep saying ‘do what is right for you’ but the trouble is I’m not thinking clearly enough right now to know what that is…

  126. Kevin  November 16, 2018 at 9:10 pm Reply

    I found out recently that someone I cared about, Joe, died on June 19, 2017. The girl who dated him didn’t know who he was, and I doubt anyone really did. Joe had a lot of mental problems and then one afternoon took a handful of drugs including coke and alcohol and sexually assaulted me. He manipulated me into thinking it was love, and left me with permanent nerve damage. He almost killed me. I went through about two years of trauma counseling to get past it, and then the other day I found out that he died. Now 10 years later, I don’t feel like I’ve gotten closure. I keep wondering if he isn’t really alive, maybe staging his death somehow, because he isn’t listed anywhere but on the funeral home website. And then I think maybe that’s what I want. I’m not sure. I know I feel angry and sad but I’m not angry at myself and I’m not sad that he’s dead, if he’s really dead). He did some really horrible things, and was in contact with some really bad people, and I can’t seem to find any information other than on the funeral home website. Not a single comment, not a single person upset that he’s gone, and I have to wonder if he didn’t plan all of this somehow, that he might know someone at the funeral home who quickly threw together a webpage so it would look like he’s dead. I have a number of unreconciled feelings about all of this, and in many ways I do hope he’s gone, because he was a pretty messed-up person. He had mental health issues, he had substance abuse issues, and while I knew him he was a manipulator. I doubt that ever changed. But the complete lack of information about him, no record of his death, no record of him dying, and no one even saddened by his death alludes me. So I do hope he’s gone, if for no other reason than he was a very unhappy person. And I do hope he’s gone because he would have destroyed everyone around him like he did me. But I can’t help but wonder. Thanks for reading.

  127. Carmen Lambert  November 16, 2018 at 2:55 pm Reply

    Thayer White suggests you talk to the person who hurt you. But not in person. You just go into a room by yourself and tell the person how angry you are at them, how terribly you’ve been affected by what they did. Be emotional and honest and really feel those emotions without judging yourself. You have a right to say what you were never allowed to say and they will hear it, even if they are dead. They have to listen, they are not allowed to defend themselves and you shouldn’t give them excuses.
    I did this to my dad after he died and it really helped.

  128. Samantha  November 11, 2018 at 11:08 am Reply

    This helped me understand mush of what I’m feeling. I believe I should go see a grief counselor. My husband’s Grandma just died and it brought out a lot of relief and anger in me. We have had a seriously damaged relationship for the last 7 years. She has tried everything to get my husband to divorce me because she hates me, but unfortunately my husband loves his grandma so much he doesn’t defend me. I was relieved to here of her passing but also heartbroken because I never did anything to cause her to hate me. When our relationship started we were only 24 so my husband constantly lied to his grandmother when we moved in together he told her he was still living at home because she not does approve before marriage. She use to scream at me for working all the time and missing family events because I had a job. I always wanted my husband to tell her he caused all the lies not me but he never did so she still died hating me. I never got to talk through it I never got an apology for never hurting her and now she’s gone and the family wants me to just get over it but they causes her to hate me. So a grief counselor might be best because I dont have anyone in my life to explain this too.

  129. Michele P  November 1, 2018 at 3:05 pm Reply

    It feels better to know that I’m not alone. My father died 3 days ago. I didn’t cry the first day. The second day I didn’t stop crying and today I find myself confused. I’m feeling all the negative words towards him. We haven’t spoken in a few years. He was the best man he could be. I’m a great person for the wrongs he committed against me. I loved him but I didn’t like him. He won’t be missed but the idea of a daddy will be. Wishing everyone on this blog peace and love ❤️

  130. Dorthy  October 7, 2018 at 10:23 pm Reply

    My father sexually abused my daughter. We were lucky in that he went to prison for several yrs and she did not have to testify in court. I have had no contact with him since the abuse occured, years. He passed away today and while I do not feel sad my eyes keep leaking. I am planning to attend the funeral, mostly because of my leaking eyes. I don’t know if I need the closure. I am worried about other family members due to circumstances. This term, complicated grelief, really makes sense to me. I am glad I came across this. It helps. Thank you.

  131. Gerd Steeger  September 25, 2018 at 3:54 pm Reply

    I wrote this song text after I lost someone I loved:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tQjB9NkmGvY

    I am happy for every humans heart I am able to touch with this song. I hope you enjoy the song.
    Regards, Gerd Steeger

  132. Donna Waring  September 4, 2018 at 4:08 pm Reply

    You’re not alone, I have not spoken with my father in over 5 years and over the last 40 years of my life, he has dipped in and out of my life with no consistent relationship. We both tired and we both gave up. I lost my mom 13 years ago and now on August 31st 2018 my 78 year old father passed away and I am a roller coaster of emotions. I am angry, sad, hurt, stressed and confused. He’s never been a part of my life so I can’t understand why I feel this way..

  133. Maria Smith  September 2, 2018 at 1:44 am Reply

    I was married to an emotionally and physically abusive man for 29 years before we separated. I was no angel in the relationshsip as I could be very provocative sometimes. He suffered from bi-polar and was an alcoholic and made mine and our 2 children’s lives hell sometimes. He died 6 years ago and although I always felt sorry for him while he was alive, I was kind of relieved when he died as he was not suffering anymore. I briefly cried once and then blocked out my feelings. I think I grieved through many years of my relationship because I had lost the man I married due to him changing so much. I am having health problems now and my daughter reckons it’s partly due to the fact that I bottled everything up instead of seeing a counsellor.

  134. Helen BenDavid  August 26, 2018 at 3:53 pm Reply

    Thanks for this article and many thanks to the people above who I resonate well with.
    It is a strange comfort to know that others are going through the same sort of things. It’s painful and yet – releasing.
    I am typing from my father’s computer… forgiveness caused reconciliation 5 weeks before he passed away mid July after 5 years of no contact. It was horrible, what he did. The effect he has had over my life is criminal and at 51, a single mother, broke and broken, I feel angry and hurt. Nowhere to go with it. People don’t want to know really.
    I will process it and then, if there is any money left after the family home has been taken by the loan shark he sold it to…. we will at least be able to pay a few bills, the rent and possibly even not worry so much about buying good school shoes.
    It just goes to show that you can’t take it with you…. I want to leave a legacy of love.
    It stops with me.
    I love my daughter and my friends and I intend to show more of the love I never got.
    I’ve even had to google how to do this because I have never been taught how to just love. How stupid is that?
    I am learning how to be less selfish and if, at the end of the day, the pain, the abuse, the mockery and the lies from him cause me to become a better person and not like him, then perhaps I can endure? Perhaps it will be worth all the pain.
    As for the grieving… I have been hugely angry this week and don’t like the feeling.
    I have not spoken kindly of him in private because he was such a $£8% and I have felt quite sorry for myself. (yuk)
    I have not been good and feeling this stuff and just want to change it.
    Usually I am a very positive type. Resilient but this has hit me. I feel like running away.
    Here’s to a better future.

  135. Phabulous1  August 13, 2018 at 5:25 am Reply

    So glad I read this article. Thank you so much for the insight, wisdom, tact and understanding; especially for me when it was stated that everyone in the family may not have had the same experience/relationship. And might not be the best thing to talk about, with others, within same family. My oldest sister and I get it. And I’m thankful for that, but after reading this, it’s time for a therapist. He’s dead and the opportunity for bonding, questions and answers… well, he gone. Good.

  136. Moxie  August 8, 2018 at 2:31 pm Reply

    I lost 2 people in my family this summer. One was the light of my childhood/adulthood and the other was not even a night light in my life. I find doodling helps me deal with grief best. I can celebrate love in art and also I don’t say regretful words this way. In my grief and reading about loss- two things have stood out no matter if we are remembering a kind or an unkind person…. resilience —- and that the purpose of life is love.

  137. Strong  August 4, 2018 at 9:01 pm Reply

    This article has helped me so much. My father died a week ago and I’m having a hard time processing my emotions. We hadn’t spoken in over a year and I saw him as being a toxic individual who was abusive to my mother and was also a terrible father to me and my sister.

    He suffered in later years with severe clinical depression and I also suspect bipolar episodes which made him even more difficult to be around. Watching him be absolutely vole to my mother who cared for him and looked after him up until the day he passed away fills me with anger.

    In his last few weeks, I made an effort to resolve things with him but his health had deteriorated (physically and mentally) to a point where I’m not even sure if he knew what I was saying.

    In the days following his death, I’m trying to play the role of a devoted, grieving and dutiful son as this seems to be what everyone wants from me. My sister is eulogising him to the point of canonisation and I feel angry that everyone seems to have forgotten what a nasty man he actually was.

    I have some happier memories of him but have to really search hard to bring them to front of mind.

    I’m sad, but happy. Angry and relieved.

    I don’t want to remain negative and need to co e to terms with the reality of our relationship. My issue is that everyone around me including my long-suffering mother and sister are not respecting my need to talk about how this man treated us cruelly.

    It’s early days so I expect we will all experience further emotions and thoughts but I feel like I don’t want to grieve him or the relationship we could have had as it will drag me back to a place I need to leave in my past.

  138. Karen Irby  July 24, 2018 at 3:12 am Reply

    We need to coin a new term…. complicated grelief.
    I have had way too much of it. Can’t even begin this story.
    Abuse sucks and leads to more abuse and then complicated grelief when they pass. Had it before, during & after my abusive dad died and then again when my abusive husband died. I had realized some of the abuse both times and they didn’t want others to find out. Lies and abuse. Even the Christian counselor had called it quits on marriage counseling when he did something so mean during counseling. He thought he had her around his baby finger but he didn’t. She told me to go to the trauma counselor in the same practice and told him we were thru. He told everyone I had to go to the other counselor since all the problems were mine. Things like this happened all the time and then more while he was in disability. And when someone is dying they really wrap the flying monkeys around their baby finger. It was awful. But that was then. I sold the house, got all the money and moved. I still have 2 kids in college. Still having counseling. But moving forward in life in much wiser ways.

  139. K MARQUARDT  July 18, 2018 at 4:36 pm Reply

    Love your poem. it helped. thank you.

  140. Joey Stribbs  July 3, 2018 at 6:37 pm Reply

    Wow! A very, very strange thing happened today!

    My ex-mother-in-law passed away a few days ago, and I attended her funeral today. I have been divorced from her daughter for about 16 years, and during that time I spoke with my now-deceased mother-in-law only ONCE. The point I am emphasizing is that I have not had a relationship at all with my ex-MIL, in any form whatsoever, since my divorce. I decided to attend the funeral only because I knew I would be setting a good example for my (our) children, who are grown (college age), NOT because I had any compulsion to mourn her loss. Indeed, I have always blamed my divorce in large part on my parents-in-law, and while I do not hate them, I have long since had a pretty keen dislike for them. It must also be said that my divorce was not like some that I hear about, where the divorcing couple is nice and kind to one another. Rather, it was a really messy divorce, with arguments and ill feelings continuing for many years after the papers were signed, and at times the post-divorce situation has been downright ugly.

    In any case, when I attended the funeral today, I could not stop crying! Every time I began to speak with someone prior to the services beginning, I began to bawl. I do not understand why. With a lot of effort, I was able to quell my tears throughout most of the service, but throughout it all I was fighting my tears, sometimes unsuccessfully. I did not expect this, and I do not understand it. Why was I so emotional attending a funeral for someone I did not care for?

    Consider this: I have attended funerals for four grandparents, two of whom I was extremely close to; I have attended the funeral of an uncle with whom I was very close, speaking the eulogy; I have presented a eulogy at the funeral of a close friend, and have attended other funerals, and have never been even close to as emotional as I was today… at a funeral for someone I did not like very much!!!! How does that make sense? I’ve never seen irony like this–I was clearly the MOST outwardly emotional person there (including my ex-father-in-law, my ex-wife, the deceased’s siblings, my children, who are of course the deceased’s grandchildren–none of whom so much as shed a tear), yet I was certainly the person at the funeral who cared for her the LEAST. Furthermore, as I pointed out, why have I been well-contained at the funerals of people who were very dear to me? So strange!

    How did this happen? I cannot explain it. As I’ve said, I certainly did not expect it. What sort of psychological complex can account for that experience?

    • stacey allam  July 2, 2019 at 2:13 pm Reply

      you are probably associating your mil with the end of your marriage You say she was a prime reason for your divorce Her death was probably some sort of trigger for you You were also close to you grandparents which probably also has something to do with it.

  141. Rada  June 15, 2018 at 9:13 am Reply

    Thank you so much for this article. My sister’s breadth cancer recently mets to brain and lungs with poor prognosis. I have previously been supportive as poss through email and occasional visits. But latest news was so hard to deal with. She gphas bullied me all my life, more so in my adulthood.. physically, verbally abusive, had me arrested ( one and only time for me) that prevented me from applying/getting certain types of jobs in my profession for 5 years. We were then estranged fro about 10 years – she wouldn’t let me see my niece if I didn’t do as she said or said what she wanted to hear. I’ve waited for niece to become an adult to build relationship but she is aloof at best, understandably.. more recently with inherited money she insisted on witnessing my partner of 11 years sign a sort of pre- nuptial agreement. I got out of that by pointing out that i’ve Let her and her husband have most of the money and not interfered with their financial affairs…. it’s endless the depth and breadth of her previous nastiness. And yet now feeling guilty that she is so ill with not long to live. She also the favourite of my uneducated evil mother and abusive fathers (deceased). I’n
    I am the black sheep and no-one is allowed to talk about the elephant in the room.
    I am opposite to Sis and if it were “normal “ I would be visiting regularly, offering to help as much as poss, trying to make her laugh, buying gifts to cheer her up. But as it is, experience with her has taught me that it will just be thrown back at me . Useful bible quote “ don’t throw pearls to pigs”. But now with brain mets I felt so confused and guilty. This article has helped me sort out some of my emotions. I’ve decided and have started to be as akind as poss. Without going overboard. Offered date to visit but rejected and not offered date that I have since found out rest of family will be visiting…. etc. Etc. Trying to do right thing one day at a time, but know in my head and heart it the abuse still happened/ happens, that their responses will be negative if not hateful.
    It’s helped me be more at peace with myself at the end of each day, able to at least be happy during each day and able to sleep at night.
    So big thank you …. I was’t able to find help elsewhere and not in position to speak to family nor speak to ( well meaning) but not private strangers . .. ( gps, Macmillan, etc. ) . Thank you.

    • You are not alone  November 9, 2018 at 5:23 pm Reply

      Rada, I could have written your post word for word. I’m sorry I can’t offer you any helpful words. Just know that you are not alone. x

  142. Betty Jean  June 9, 2018 at 4:09 pm Reply

    THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS WONDERFUL ARTICLE! I have been going to a grief councillor and your article helped me way more than counselling. My husband of 50 years was killed in a horrific accident, 6 months ago. All I felt was relief—and freedom! I had been saved by the Good Lord! – if I believe in that, not sure. I do not share my relief with my supportive loved ones because they were not left behind closed doors with him. He was MR PERSONALITY when the door bell rang. Few knew who he really was. Still I am dumbfounded. How do I pick up and carry on? My support people are in a different grief than I am. I guess I will learn to love my own company! So, off to Vegas alone I go! Wish me luck! (sounds good but I feel like I could throw up)

    • Jenna  March 8, 2019 at 10:18 pm Reply

      We had been 40+ crappy years when he was diagnosed with cancer. He lived three years more. He actually hated me I believe. He would not listen to anything I researched.. Fine so I quit. When the end was chiming he then asked me what to do. I told him I have no idea and you never wanted my opinion before. I don’t have one now. He was planning to go into a nursing home… Never mind his son and I had to live. When he passed I felt nothing but relief. I grieved before and now I was safe from his emotional abuse. I don’t want my she’s anywhere near his when I go.

  143. Vanessa  June 5, 2018 at 8:08 pm Reply

    I just need to shout this into the void.
    I just found out a couple days ago that my abusive ex-boyfriend killed himself recently. At first all I felt was shock, and nothing beyond that. And then I was sad *because* I didn’t feel anything. I felt bad for his family, who I had always liked, but I had had such intense feelings about him for so long – I loved him so much and then I hated him so much – that it was like they all collapsed in together and cancelled each other out. And then in the last couple days since I heard the news… Things have gotten more complicated. I’ve actually cried over it a couple times. I don’t miss him, and I haven’t forgotten what he did to me, but it’s like his death has softened and even sweetened some of my bitter memories of him. I feel like this makes me a bad abuse victim or something, and I don’t know how to sort through all of this. In a weird way I feel sad for him that he was in such a dark place that he decided to end it. This article was helpful, but I still feel a bit lost in all this.

  144. iamthewalrus  May 31, 2018 at 3:02 pm Reply

    My sister in law who wore white to my wedding, who bought her dress too small when she was a brides maid, who took my flowers of my mother in laws grave and gave them back to me, who told me the neighbor girl was going to take my fiancé away, who told me my nose was too big, who told me my house smelled like cat pee, who told my husband he was functionally illiterate, who took the pie plate from me after I cared for her dad in his final days (I sure didn’t do it for her!!!), died from lung cancer a few weeks ago. It has bothered me more than I can say. BUT her obit is comprised of what I would call lies I guess that suits her because that what she did her whole life. (Brother in law is a “salesman” and considers himself a “writer”) He writes fiction pretty well… It makes me sad she was ill but man was she mean. I have to keep it to myself as best as I can because she was my husbands sister and I have to respect that…

  145. iamthewalrus  May 31, 2018 at 3:02 pm Reply

    My sister in law who wore white to my wedding, who bought her dress too small when she was a brides maid, who took my flowers of my mother in laws grave and gave them back to me, who told me the neighbor girl was going to take my fiancé away, who told me my nose was too big, who told me my house smelled like cat pee, who told my husband he was functionally illiterate, who took the pie plate from me after I cared for her dad in his final days (I sure didn’t do it for her!!!), died from lung cancer a few weeks ago. It has bothered me more than I can say. BUT her obit is comprised of what I would call lies I guess that suits her because that what she did her whole life. (Brother in law is a “salesman” and considers himself a “writer”) He writes fiction pretty well… It makes me sad she was ill but man was she mean. I have to keep it to myself as best as I can because she was my husbands sister and I have to respect that…

  146. Jody  May 23, 2018 at 6:27 pm Reply

    My mother in law died last week. I literally jumped for joy, singing Ding Dong the witch is dead. She has been a trouble maker in my marriage from the start. Pure toxic person if there ever was one. My husband was always caught in the middle and insisted that she and her whipped husband have a relationship with out children.

    Well 2 1/2 years ago, my 15 year old daughter, her only granddaughter was over her house and telling her grandmother about her college plans. My stupid MIL told her that she didn’t need college and that she…the MIL, who has never held down a job for one second, could go out and make 6 figures babysitting. Stupid conversation.

    Well, when my daughter insisted that she did need college because she wanted to be a doctor, my MIL saw that she wasn’t going to win this argument for once, my daughter stood by her convictions. So, my MIL called her an insulant little bitch. Nice huh? She then cornered my daughter and told her she wasn’t going to allow her to call for help until she was told that her views were right.

    My daughter was forced to hit her own grandmother in order to get away and call for help.
    A lot of other horrible things were uttered by that horrible woman toward my daughter before my son showed up to get her. That relationship was over.
    My MIL had so much negative influence on her husband that my FIL has not had anything to do with this grandchildren over the last 2 1/2 years.

    Now that she is dead, me and my kids are overjoyed. My husband is torn and doesn’t want to hear the negative things said about her even though he agrees he will not miss her.

    Now if only the FIL would go away for good.

  147. Jody  May 23, 2018 at 6:27 pm Reply

    My mother in law died last week. I literally jumped for joy, singing Ding Dong the witch is dead. She has been a trouble maker in my marriage from the start. Pure toxic person if there ever was one. My husband was always caught in the middle and insisted that she and her whipped husband have a relationship with out children.

    Well 2 1/2 years ago, my 15 year old daughter, her only granddaughter was over her house and telling her grandmother about her college plans. My stupid MIL told her that she didn’t need college and that she…the MIL, who has never held down a job for one second, could go out and make 6 figures babysitting. Stupid conversation.

    Well, when my daughter insisted that she did need college because she wanted to be a doctor, my MIL saw that she wasn’t going to win this argument for once, my daughter stood by her convictions. So, my MIL called her an insulant little bitch. Nice huh? She then cornered my daughter and told her she wasn’t going to allow her to call for help until she was told that her views were right.

    My daughter was forced to hit her own grandmother in order to get away and call for help.
    A lot of other horrible things were uttered by that horrible woman toward my daughter before my son showed up to get her. That relationship was over.
    My MIL had so much negative influence on her husband that my FIL has not had anything to do with this grandchildren over the last 2 1/2 years.

    Now that she is dead, me and my kids are overjoyed. My husband is torn and doesn’t want to hear the negative things said about her even though he agrees he will not miss her.

    Now if only the FIL would go away for good.

  148. DLBrown  May 21, 2018 at 12:01 pm Reply

    My parents kicked me out of the house for being 20 minutes late, because my car had been vandalized, when I was 17. Since that day, 40 years ago, I’ve had very little contact with them, and any I did have , turned out painful. Neither of them wanted me. My Mom made it clear she hated me. No, it wasn’t a feeling, she TOLD me over and over and over, starting when I was 4. I wasn’t informed of my father’s death until years after. My Mom made contact with me about six months before she died, she had brain cancer. I’m not sure why she did, but I think it was just more of the headgames she always played. I wasn’t told for weeks about her death, since her two wanted children decided I didn’t need to know. I don’t know that I grieve their passing, but I do grieve not having a loving family. My Dad just never cared, while my Mom made my childhood a living hell. And on top of dealing with those feelings, I have to deal with the anger of being blacklisted from the memorial service by my siblings. Not sure if that’s what she was after, to make sure I was aware I wasn’t invited, again? Did she tell me she wanted me there, then left instructions for them to not tell me? Yes, this isn’t normal grief. I buried a son and am still grieving his lose. This is something much different and much more confusing. Something therapists don’t even seem to understand, after all mothers love their kids, right?…well, no, …no they don’t.

  149. DLBrown  May 21, 2018 at 12:01 pm Reply

    My parents kicked me out of the house for being 20 minutes late, because my car had been vandalized, when I was 17. Since that day, 40 years ago, I’ve had very little contact with them, and any I did have , turned out painful. Neither of them wanted me. My Mom made it clear she hated me. No, it wasn’t a feeling, she TOLD me over and over and over, starting when I was 4. I wasn’t informed of my father’s death until years after. My Mom made contact with me about six months before she died, she had brain cancer. I’m not sure why she did, but I think it was just more of the headgames she always played. I wasn’t told for weeks about her death, since her two wanted children decided I didn’t need to know. I don’t know that I grieve their passing, but I do grieve not having a loving family. My Dad just never cared, while my Mom made my childhood a living hell. And on top of dealing with those feelings, I have to deal with the anger of being blacklisted from the memorial service by my siblings. Not sure if that’s what she was after, to make sure I was aware I wasn’t invited, again? Did she tell me she wanted me there, then left instructions for them to not tell me? Yes, this isn’t normal grief. I buried a son and am still grieving his lose. This is something much different and much more confusing. Something therapists don’t even seem to understand, after all mothers love their kids, right?…well, no, …no they don’t.

  150. Robbyn  April 9, 2018 at 2:24 pm Reply

    My mom passed in August last year. The months leading up to it were traumatic. The years before that were filled with hardship and stress, which I tried and tried to help her with. I tried to get her to get help, emotional help, mental help, financial help. She was not a happy woman, I don’t ever remember her being happy, or even having a lot of friends. Some of her mean-ness was justified, my step-father was an abusive jerk and he left her in late 2008 for as he said, “the woman he was going to spend the rest of his life with.” Little did he know how true that statement would be in the end. That woman he left for…..he was murdered by, sometime in early 2009, his body found buried in her back yard in August 2010). The chick who killed him, she cleaned out bank account, CD’s, savings, and for some reason, unknown to me and never explained, the money was in an account with his name only and not hers, even though it was both of theirs. For several years, I deposited money in her bank account every month, until my husband and I began to struggle financially and could not longer support her. It’s a very very long story, but there’s no reason she couldn’t have lived on her social security. Growing up, she was always telling me how anything that ever happened was all my fault. I was constantly reminded that I wasn’t good enough, smart enough, skinny enough for anyone to like me. When my stepfather came into the picture and tried to molest me, she gave me up to the state where I live in a group home until I aged out. The months leading up to her death, I traveled weekly to Daytona Beach, tried again to get her help. I even told the hospital staff that she wanted to die, she told me she wanted to die and it was clear she meant it. The hospital staff did a suicide evaluation and she lied to them. Towards the end, the last weeks she was even worse and I know it was unrealistic, but that little girl inside me, the one who needed her mom hoped that she’d say she was sorry, hoped she’d say she always loved me, hoped she would say that my stepfather was a dirtbag and she was wrong for doing what she did and throwing me away. But….she didn’t and her last words to me were “You’ve been a pain in my ass all my life.” This was in the nursing home, where she was sent after her last hospital visit because they said she could not be alone. I left the nursing home in tears and told the staff I wasn’t coming back. I drove the 5 hours home crying the whole time. I was forced to make an end of life decision by phone, when she clearly had a DNR on file with the hospital. All these months later and I am filled with confusion and guilt. It didn’t help that she had a reverse mortgage on the house (she and my stepfather took a lump sum and the girl who killed him stole that money too) and the reverse mortgage company has gone out of their way to make it difficult for me to do anything with her house, to the point where I just want to say f**k it and walk away. I’ve thought about finding a therapist to talk about all this, but I haven’t found anyone I have any kind of connection with.

  151. Robbyn  April 9, 2018 at 2:24 pm Reply

    My mom passed in August last year. The months leading up to it were traumatic. The years before that were filled with hardship and stress, which I tried and tried to help her with. I tried to get her to get help, emotional help, mental help, financial help. She was not a happy woman, I don’t ever remember her being happy, or even having a lot of friends. Some of her mean-ness was justified, my step-father was an abusive jerk and he left her in late 2008 for as he said, “the woman he was going to spend the rest of his life with.” Little did he know how true that statement would be in the end. That woman he left for…..he was murdered by, sometime in early 2009, his body found buried in her back yard in August 2010). The chick who killed him, she cleaned out bank account, CD’s, savings, and for some reason, unknown to me and never explained, the money was in an account with his name only and not hers, even though it was both of theirs. For several years, I deposited money in her bank account every month, until my husband and I began to struggle financially and could not longer support her. It’s a very very long story, but there’s no reason she couldn’t have lived on her social security. Growing up, she was always telling me how anything that ever happened was all my fault. I was constantly reminded that I wasn’t good enough, smart enough, skinny enough for anyone to like me. When my stepfather came into the picture and tried to molest me, she gave me up to the state where I live in a group home until I aged out. The months leading up to her death, I traveled weekly to Daytona Beach, tried again to get her help. I even told the hospital staff that she wanted to die, she told me she wanted to die and it was clear she meant it. The hospital staff did a suicide evaluation and she lied to them. Towards the end, the last weeks she was even worse and I know it was unrealistic, but that little girl inside me, the one who needed her mom hoped that she’d say she was sorry, hoped she’d say she always loved me, hoped she would say that my stepfather was a dirtbag and she was wrong for doing what she did and throwing me away. But….she didn’t and her last words to me were “You’ve been a pain in my ass all my life.” This was in the nursing home, where she was sent after her last hospital visit because they said she could not be alone. I left the nursing home in tears and told the staff I wasn’t coming back. I drove the 5 hours home crying the whole time. I was forced to make an end of life decision by phone, when she clearly had a DNR on file with the hospital. All these months later and I am filled with confusion and guilt. It didn’t help that she had a reverse mortgage on the house (she and my stepfather took a lump sum and the girl who killed him stole that money too) and the reverse mortgage company has gone out of their way to make it difficult for me to do anything with her house, to the point where I just want to say f**k it and walk away. I’ve thought about finding a therapist to talk about all this, but I haven’t found anyone I have any kind of connection with.

  152. Janet  March 20, 2018 at 11:35 am Reply

    My Mother in law is towards the end of her life,. She made my life very difficult in the twenty years I knew her (I cut her off 4 years ago). She never accepted me. She never even spoke a mutual language (English) in front of me so that I could understand and feel welcome. It was her manipulative way of reminding me that I was an outsider. She competed with me for my husband’s loyalty – interfered with our marriage, tried to get my husband to side with her on decisions for our family that were contrary to what I wanted and was just a very negative presence in my life. Just before I cut her off she revealed that she predicted my husband and I would divorce and she resented my place in my husband’s life. Her husband, kids and extended family are devastated she will be gone soon, but I share none of these feelings. I will be relieved, and not much will change for me as I already cut her out of my life. In many ways she is already dead to me. The one thing I plan to do is not tell anyone I know when she dies as I don’t want any sympathy. I will not be sad!

  153. Janet  March 20, 2018 at 11:35 am Reply

    My Mother in law is towards the end of her life,. She made my life very difficult in the twenty years I knew her (I cut her off 4 years ago). She never accepted me. She never even spoke a mutual language (English) in front of me so that I could understand and feel welcome. It was her manipulative way of reminding me that I was an outsider. She competed with me for my husband’s loyalty – interfered with our marriage, tried to get my husband to side with her on decisions for our family that were contrary to what I wanted and was just a very negative presence in my life. Just before I cut her off she revealed that she predicted my husband and I would divorce and she resented my place in my husband’s life. Her husband, kids and extended family are devastated she will be gone soon, but I share none of these feelings. I will be relieved, and not much will change for me as I already cut her out of my life. In many ways she is already dead to me. The one thing I plan to do is not tell anyone I know when she dies as I don’t want any sympathy. I will not be sad!

  154. Honeyhawk  March 16, 2018 at 11:43 am Reply

    My husband’s son’s mother died recently, and I do not feel bad about it. Not at all. But I don’t feel happy either. I am indifferent. We had no contact with each other for the past several years, so nothing has changed in my world in that regard, and, hence, I do not feel any sense of loss—or relief, even. I really just feel nothing. She tortured us for years. YEARS. She did a lot of irreparable damage to our marriage. Left me traumatized. And she drove a wedge between her son and I which has made it difficult for us to ever really bond, even now that he’s grown. And that’s exactly what she wanted. But somehow I’m the one with the problem right now for NOT feeling bad that she’s gone? Nope. It doesn’t work that way. I had nothing to do with her & my husband’s breakup (we met a year after they were done), but despite that, she always treated me like I did. I put my best foot forward with her son from day 1 because I knew what it was like to be a stepchild, but she sabotaged it all. Fast forward many years, I finally got smart and, after a nasty argument with her, I decided she was a cancer I needed to cut out of my life. And so I refused to deal with her from that day forward and left it all to my husband—which I should’ve done from day 1. I swear the stress she caused me took 10 years off my life. Now that she’s gone, everyone is singing her praises, everyone (many of whom talked so badly about her for years) is so sad, etc. Including my husband. It’s surreal. My motto is if you didn’t love someone in life, don’t pretend to love them in death. And he didn’t love her. But he has issues with death in general, so I’m trying to be understanding and just let it run its course with him (not that he is able to reciprocate this to me, however). But I think people do a lot of what they think they’re “supposed” to do in these situations, like “oh, someone died, I’m SUPPOSED to feel sad—or at least act the part.” Yeah, NO. It is totally unrealistic to expect people to grieve the death of someone who hurt them, tortured them, disrespected them, and the list goes on. I think THOSE people are the ones with problems, NOT the person who is being real and honest and saying what they feel (or the fact that they DON’T “feel” anything, if that’s the case). Don’t ever let anyone make you think you’re wrong for “feeling” a certain way, especially about death. Only YOU went through whatever it is you went through with that person. When my husband’s ex was dying in the hospital, I did go to church and pray for her. Did I tell anyone that? Nope. I didn’t feel the need to have to defend myself or justify or rationalize my feelings by saying “see, I went and prayed for her, so I’m not some horrible person just because I don’t feel bad she’s gone.” That’s private and nobody needs to know that. Just because I didn’t want her in my life doesn’t mean I wanted her dead or in pain. There’s a huge difference. And even people who MAY want someone dead—hey, maybe they have their reasons. Maybe the person was physically or sexually abusive. Maybe the person permanently and adversely altered their life in some way, shape, or form. People need to stop judging and start putting themselves in others’ shoes.

  155. Honeyhawk  March 16, 2018 at 11:43 am Reply

    My husband’s son’s mother died recently, and I do not feel bad about it. Not at all. But I don’t feel happy either. I am indifferent. We had no contact with each other for the past several years, so nothing has changed in my world in that regard, and, hence, I do not feel any sense of loss—or relief, even. I really just feel nothing. She tortured us for years. YEARS. She did a lot of irreparable damage to our marriage. Left me traumatized. And she drove a wedge between her son and I which has made it difficult for us to ever really bond, even now that he’s grown. And that’s exactly what she wanted. But somehow I’m the one with the problem right now for NOT feeling bad that she’s gone? Nope. It doesn’t work that way. I had nothing to do with her & my husband’s breakup (we met a year after they were done), but despite that, she always treated me like I did. I put my best foot forward with her son from day 1 because I knew what it was like to be a stepchild, but she sabotaged it all. Fast forward many years, I finally got smart and, after a nasty argument with her, I decided she was a cancer I needed to cut out of my life. And so I refused to deal with her from that day forward and left it all to my husband—which I should’ve done from day 1. I swear the stress she caused me took 10 years off my life. Now that she’s gone, everyone is singing her praises, everyone (many of whom talked so badly about her for years) is so sad, etc. Including my husband. It’s surreal. My motto is if you didn’t love someone in life, don’t pretend to love them in death. And he didn’t love her. But he has issues with death in general, so I’m trying to be understanding and just let it run its course with him (not that he is able to reciprocate this to me, however). But I think people do a lot of what they think they’re “supposed” to do in these situations, like “oh, someone died, I’m SUPPOSED to feel sad—or at least act the part.” Yeah, NO. It is totally unrealistic to expect people to grieve the death of someone who hurt them, tortured them, disrespected them, and the list goes on. I think THOSE people are the ones with problems, NOT the person who is being real and honest and saying what they feel (or the fact that they DON’T “feel” anything, if that’s the case). Don’t ever let anyone make you think you’re wrong for “feeling” a certain way, especially about death. Only YOU went through whatever it is you went through with that person. When my husband’s ex was dying in the hospital, I did go to church and pray for her. Did I tell anyone that? Nope. I didn’t feel the need to have to defend myself or justify or rationalize my feelings by saying “see, I went and prayed for her, so I’m not some horrible person just because I don’t feel bad she’s gone.” That’s private and nobody needs to know that. Just because I didn’t want her in my life doesn’t mean I wanted her dead or in pain. There’s a huge difference. And even people who MAY want someone dead—hey, maybe they have their reasons. Maybe the person was physically or sexually abusive. Maybe the person permanently and adversely altered their life in some way, shape, or form. People need to stop judging and start putting themselves in others’ shoes.

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  156. Himawari  March 12, 2018 at 11:05 pm Reply

    Thank you for this, my cousin died a few days ago and I’ve been struggling with the guilt that I’m relieved he’s gone. He’s never liked me because he thinks I’ve been spoiled by everyone, something he never got himself. We never talked except for one word yes or no. And he was always a dark cloud looming over me whenever we were in proximity.

    It just saddens me because we’re family, and he thought so terribly of me. When we could’ve had a good relationship.

  157. Himawari  March 12, 2018 at 11:05 pm Reply

    Thank you for this, my cousin died a few days ago and I’ve been struggling with the guilt that I’m relieved he’s gone. He’s never liked me because he thinks I’ve been spoiled by everyone, something he never got himself. We never talked except for one word yes or no. And he was always a dark cloud looming over me whenever we were in proximity.

    It just saddens me because we’re family, and he thought so terribly of me. When we could’ve had a good relationship.

  158. Chris  March 8, 2018 at 9:19 am Reply

    I just lost my father yesterday and have chosen not to speak to him since Sept 2017. I always felt that he was displeased with me for not being the son ge wanted. I am the youngest of theee daughters. He loved me but his way of showing that love was through being verbally abusive. I had started feeling indifferent towards him and then he passed. As long as I focus on the adult me (I am 55), I am ok. The wounded child in me wants to create havoc and I know I need to journal and write about those feelings. I chose to not see him while he was in hospice for less than 5 days but I am going out for the funeral. Wish me luck as part of me feels I am entering the lion’s den in dealing with the rest of my family.

  159. Chris  March 8, 2018 at 9:19 am Reply

    I just lost my father yesterday and have chosen not to speak to him since Sept 2017. I always felt that he was displeased with me for not being the son ge wanted. I am the youngest of theee daughters. He loved me but his way of showing that love was through being verbally abusive. I had started feeling indifferent towards him and then he passed. As long as I focus on the adult me (I am 55), I am ok. The wounded child in me wants to create havoc and I know I need to journal and write about those feelings. I chose to not see him while he was in hospice for less than 5 days but I am going out for the funeral. Wish me luck as part of me feels I am entering the lion’s den in dealing with the rest of my family.

  160. Joni  March 4, 2018 at 3:46 am Reply

    When I started going out with my first boyfriend 3 years ago we were both virgins and I thought he really liked me, unfortunately after a mere 8 days in our new relationship he had gotten drunk at a party with his ex girlfriend and had sex with her that night. Whats even more crazy was earlier that day I was on my way to my job when I passed them up the street from my house talking with her and her sister, I didn’t think nothing of it at first because I trusted him, but I was wrong. I was too late at my chance because after I left my cousin said that my boyfriend and another girl showed up at my house looking for me and he introduced her as his ‘homegirl’ I I never found that he cheated on me until after 5 months when I had already gotten feelings and it was heartbreaking.
    She committed suicide last year and I didn’t feel sad for her, honestly. I felt that she wasn’t a problem anymore because my boyfriend tried running after her saying he missed her and she was his first.
    It just messed with my confidence and made me feel so ugly and worthless and second best at everything. Still does, even though she’s gone. She was younger than me, still in highschool after him and I both graduated. I still get mad and curse her name.
    I’m not with him anymore but we do have one child together.

  161. Joni  March 4, 2018 at 3:46 am Reply

    When I started going out with my first boyfriend 3 years ago we were both virgins and I thought he really liked me, unfortunately after a mere 8 days in our new relationship he had gotten drunk at a party with his ex girlfriend and had sex with her that night. Whats even more crazy was earlier that day I was on my way to my job when I passed them up the street from my house talking with her and her sister, I didn’t think nothing of it at first because I trusted him, but I was wrong. I was too late at my chance because after I left my cousin said that my boyfriend and another girl showed up at my house looking for me and he introduced her as his ‘homegirl’ I I never found that he cheated on me until after 5 months when I had already gotten feelings and it was heartbreaking.
    She committed suicide last year and I didn’t feel sad for her, honestly. I felt that she wasn’t a problem anymore because my boyfriend tried running after her saying he missed her and she was his first.
    It just messed with my confidence and made me feel so ugly and worthless and second best at everything. Still does, even though she’s gone. She was younger than me, still in highschool after him and I both graduated. I still get mad and curse her name.
    I’m not with him anymore but we do have one child together.

  162. Jenn  February 9, 2018 at 11:04 pm Reply

    My alcoholic, narcissistic, hoarder mother recently died of end-stage liver disease and complications. She was a pathological liar who lied about anything and everything, but also told big, nasty whoppers about me to a lot of other people (including her priest and the healthcare staff at the hospital where she died). She spent most of her adult life heavily abusing opioids and alcohol, yet insisted she’d never had a drink. She was certainly mentally ill as well.
    Any contact with her stressed me out, and she ruined any family events she attended. She spent years threatening to sue me and have me thrown in jail over my handling of her mother’s estate, even though I hired an expert law firm to make sure we got things right. No one, other than her equally toxic cousin, is sorry she passed.
    I just feel relief and a kind of freedom that she can’t wreak havoc on my life anymore. I’m having a hard time finding any support resources online for this kind of situation, though.

  163. Jenn  February 9, 2018 at 11:04 pm Reply

    My alcoholic, narcissistic, hoarder mother recently died of end-stage liver disease and complications. She was a pathological liar who lied about anything and everything, but also told big, nasty whoppers about me to a lot of other people (including her priest and the healthcare staff at the hospital where she died). She spent most of her adult life heavily abusing opioids and alcohol, yet insisted she’d never had a drink. She was certainly mentally ill as well.
    Any contact with her stressed me out, and she ruined any family events she attended. She spent years threatening to sue me and have me thrown in jail over my handling of her mother’s estate, even though I hired an expert law firm to make sure we got things right. No one, other than her equally toxic cousin, is sorry she passed.
    I just feel relief and a kind of freedom that she can’t wreak havoc on my life anymore. I’m having a hard time finding any support resources online for this kind of situation, though.

  164. Alexis  February 2, 2018 at 2:56 pm Reply

    Thank you for this ! most notably the section on relief. I just found out the woman my husband cheated on me with over half a decade ago has died of breast cancer actually going on one year ago.

    The first feeling i experienced was total shock and the second was pure happiness. It’s not that i wanted her to die, i could never be that selfish or creepy. I am just so RELIEVED that i no longer have to worry about running into her or her contacting my husband anymore.

    Six years ago her husband reached out to me that he found some horrible emails between her and my husband. Little did he know i was in the middle of taking care of my father in hospice & eventually did lose him to terminal liver cancer. This ripped my life into pieces , i went insane for a bit . I had not one ounce of positivity or optimism for 3 years afterward.

    I eventually dug up her email address by searching endlessly through our computers and his phone for an unhealthy 48 hrs so i could confront her. I hoped to gain closure but she put the entire affair on my head and said that i obviously couldn’t truly please him and that it was on me. I have never been able to fully reach closure until just now and im still very guilty about it .

    I feel like its bad karma to be so cheerful at someone’s passing and she was truely in pain if cancer took her life, so i know she suffered which isn’t something i would ever wish . Also i do feel terrible about her young son & all of the family she left behind. Her husbands facebook is filled with lamenting and prayers. Its really interesting to find out that she was a super christian woman seeing as how the email i contacted her by was somelikeithot@… (smh) . One FB commenter told a heart warming story of her reading bible passages to her sick aunt everyday . Its weird to see this woman 3 dimensionally for the first time and i feel like i do fully forgive her and my husband for all that transpired against me.

    lastly her husband posted her last written words that she wanted to share with the world. Ironically / Eerily one of the comments that she made was forgive all that have done you wrong . Letting anger stew can manifest in physical ailment. Not sure if i subscribe but i feel like it has officially marked a place of renewal and growth for me and I’m just so thankful to have this off my shoulders now.

  165. Alexis  February 2, 2018 at 2:56 pm Reply

    Thank you for this ! most notably the section on relief. I just found out the woman my husband cheated on me with over half a decade ago has died of breast cancer actually going on one year ago.

    The first feeling i experienced was total shock and the second was pure happiness. It’s not that i wanted her to die, i could never be that selfish or creepy. I am just so RELIEVED that i no longer have to worry about running into her or her contacting my husband anymore.

    Six years ago her husband reached out to me that he found some horrible emails between her and my husband. Little did he know i was in the middle of taking care of my father in hospice & eventually did lose him to terminal liver cancer. This ripped my life into pieces , i went insane for a bit . I had not one ounce of positivity or optimism for 3 years afterward.

    I eventually dug up her email address by searching endlessly through our computers and his phone for an unhealthy 48 hrs so i could confront her. I hoped to gain closure but she put the entire affair on my head and said that i obviously couldn’t truly please him and that it was on me. I have never been able to fully reach closure until just now and im still very guilty about it .

    I feel like its bad karma to be so cheerful at someone’s passing and she was truely in pain if cancer took her life, so i know she suffered which isn’t something i would ever wish . Also i do feel terrible about her young son & all of the family she left behind. Her husbands facebook is filled with lamenting and prayers. Its really interesting to find out that she was a super christian woman seeing as how the email i contacted her by was somelikeithot@… (smh) . One FB commenter told a heart warming story of her reading bible passages to her sick aunt everyday . Its weird to see this woman 3 dimensionally for the first time and i feel like i do fully forgive her and my husband for all that transpired against me.

    lastly her husband posted her last written words that she wanted to share with the world. Ironically / Eerily one of the comments that she made was forgive all that have done you wrong . Letting anger stew can manifest in physical ailment. Not sure if i subscribe but i feel like it has officially marked a place of renewal and growth for me and I’m just so thankful to have this off my shoulders now.

  166. Jose  January 30, 2018 at 1:45 pm Reply

    Thanks for the article, my dad, who I had a bad relationship with, died a month ago and I needed to read this.

    For Debbie or anyone who is in a similar situation, I hope what happend to my may be usefull for you. I had a bad relationship with my father we only talked to eachother from time to time. He spent a week in a hospital before I came to visit him without knowing that he only had a few hours to live, I stood about 10 feet away from him but I did not talk to him at all, I turned around and left. I think he didnt even saw me. A few hours later I got the call that he had just died.

    Now I wish I talked to him. I often wonder what he wouldve said. He said goodbye to a lot of people. I wish I had that chance, even if he said something bad I could deal with it now but I like to think he woudve said something nice but now I´ll never know.

    Had he said something mean like he did most of the times, I´d probably feel the same as I do now, since I´m already angry at him. But maybe just maybe he wouldve say goodbye to me or that he loved me or that he was sorry.

    I wish that you came to your father and talked to him, if he is still alive I hope you go and talk to him one last time.

  167. Jose  January 30, 2018 at 1:45 pm Reply

    Thanks for the article, my dad, who I had a bad relationship with, died a month ago and I needed to read this.

    For Debbie or anyone who is in a similar situation, I hope what happend to my may be usefull for you. I had a bad relationship with my father we only talked to eachother from time to time. He spent a week in a hospital before I came to visit him without knowing that he only had a few hours to live, I stood about 10 feet away from him but I did not talk to him at all, I turned around and left. I think he didnt even saw me. A few hours later I got the call that he had just died.

    Now I wish I talked to him. I often wonder what he wouldve said. He said goodbye to a lot of people. I wish I had that chance, even if he said something bad I could deal with it now but I like to think he woudve said something nice but now I´ll never know.

    Had he said something mean like he did most of the times, I´d probably feel the same as I do now, since I´m already angry at him. But maybe just maybe he wouldve say goodbye to me or that he loved me or that he was sorry.

    I wish that you came to your father and talked to him, if he is still alive I hope you go and talk to him one last time.

  168. Tanya  January 29, 2018 at 3:00 pm Reply

    I just found out that a woman died who cheated with my now ex boyfriend. It was a little shocking but I must say she was not as nice to me as she could have been. She got my number 5 mos ago from my ex’s phone and called to tell me she was the other woman.
    We ran into one another and this woman called me all kinds of b-i-t-c-h-es, and laughed at me. I cried so much that night she called me again to continue to harass me because my boyfriend was trying to reconcile with me. Five months later she is dead of cancer. I did ray for her and have asked god to forgive me for any thoughts I had that were not good. To be honest, I was shocked that she died. She knew completely about me and my ex and still decided to be the side chick. I told her she could have him, then she got mad that he didn’t want her, this must have made her extremely angry; therefore I got the cussing out of my life. I have never experienced such vial hatred. She was on my mind all week and I asked God to take her off my mind and send His ministering spirits so her for salvation. Then I find out she past just days after I asked God to take her off my mind and help her. I want not bother. I pray she accepted Jesus,
    she was not as kind as she seemed on her facebook pictures. I experienced that first hand. God bless her soul

  169. Tanya  January 29, 2018 at 3:00 pm Reply

    I just found out that a woman died who cheated with my now ex boyfriend. It was a little shocking but I must say she was not as nice to me as she could have been. She got my number 5 mos ago from my ex’s phone and called to tell me she was the other woman.
    We ran into one another and this woman called me all kinds of b-i-t-c-h-es, and laughed at me. I cried so much that night she called me again to continue to harass me because my boyfriend was trying to reconcile with me. Five months later she is dead of cancer. I did ray for her and have asked god to forgive me for any thoughts I had that were not good. To be honest, I was shocked that she died. She knew completely about me and my ex and still decided to be the side chick. I told her she could have him, then she got mad that he didn’t want her, this must have made her extremely angry; therefore I got the cussing out of my life. I have never experienced such vial hatred. She was on my mind all week and I asked God to take her off my mind and send His ministering spirits so her for salvation. Then I find out she past just days after I asked God to take her off my mind and help her. I want not bother. I pray she accepted Jesus,
    she was not as kind as she seemed on her facebook pictures. I experienced that first hand. God bless her soul

  170. Mark  December 30, 2017 at 5:38 am Reply

    I haven’t had someone who has died whom I’ve had a negative relationship with but my partner has and although I am now beginning to understand her grief I am still sure that if I were in a similar position I would be stubborn enough to have let it go and said that they are not going to upset my life again and therefore wouldn’t allow they passing to affect my life. Would this be a valid coping method for some or is it just my ignorance on the whole thing because I won’t ever experience it?

  171. Mark  December 30, 2017 at 5:38 am Reply

    I haven’t had someone who has died whom I’ve had a negative relationship with but my partner has and although I am now beginning to understand her grief I am still sure that if I were in a similar position I would be stubborn enough to have let it go and said that they are not going to upset my life again and therefore wouldn’t allow they passing to affect my life. Would this be a valid coping method for some or is it just my ignorance on the whole thing because I won’t ever experience it?

  172. Debbie  December 29, 2017 at 11:25 am Reply

    My father that I haven’t spoke to for almost 25 years has two weeks to live. He is full of cancer. His siblings reached out to my brother to tell him about what is going on. I am not sure how I feel about all of this. He was a horrible husband and a horrible father. He has yet to meet my children which my oldest is 22. Not sure if i should go and see him before he passes or just continue on with my life like nothing.

  173. Debbie  December 29, 2017 at 11:25 am Reply

    My father that I haven’t spoke to for almost 25 years has two weeks to live. He is full of cancer. His siblings reached out to my brother to tell him about what is going on. I am not sure how I feel about all of this. He was a horrible husband and a horrible father. He has yet to meet my children which my oldest is 22. Not sure if i should go and see him before he passes or just continue on with my life like nothing.

  174. Tonya reese  November 25, 2017 at 1:34 am Reply

    I had a very toxic friend who passed away just recently.we knew each other for overv25 year,we also work together just as long.she made my life unbearable.very demanding,manipulative,used threat tactics,belittled me,it goes on and on.i made it to retirement,and told myself that this would put space between us to help me end this frienship,but we still would talk on the phone,but not as much,because I felt I no longer had to check in.well one day she called and screamed in the phone and said”oh,u can’t call,well don’t come to my motherfucking funeral either”abd hung up on me as I was trying to explain that I’ve been working at another job,but she hung up before I could get the words out.after that I told myself I’m tired of this,I never called her back,and she never called me back.i remember one time we got into a conversation about one time I had called her out her name,because she was being mean,underhanded and plain rude.i apologized to her after it had happened, but she kept bringing it up months and years later,and I told her.i apologized for that and will not continue to do so”,she said but u hurt me,we was friends,that’s when I told her,yes we were friends,I was a friend,but for 25 years you’ve treated me very unkindly,you belittled me,make rude underhanded remarks,everything i did i say was always wrong.and u know what she said”i made u stronger didn’t it”,never apologizing,never saying I’m sorry.that hurt me because if I could apologize for 1 mistake,she wouldn’t for 25 years of making me hurt,cry and wanting to quit my job.i don’t know how to feel.im sad for her,her family,but I just don’t know about attending her funeral and she may have instructed the family to not let me attend(She was like that)PLEASE HELP

  175. Tonya reese  November 25, 2017 at 1:34 am Reply

    I had a very toxic friend who passed away just recently.we knew each other for overv25 year,we also work together just as long.she made my life unbearable.very demanding,manipulative,used threat tactics,belittled me,it goes on and on.i made it to retirement,and told myself that this would put space between us to help me end this frienship,but we still would talk on the phone,but not as much,because I felt I no longer had to check in.well one day she called and screamed in the phone and said”oh,u can’t call,well don’t come to my motherfucking funeral either”abd hung up on me as I was trying to explain that I’ve been working at another job,but she hung up before I could get the words out.after that I told myself I’m tired of this,I never called her back,and she never called me back.i remember one time we got into a conversation about one time I had called her out her name,because she was being mean,underhanded and plain rude.i apologized to her after it had happened, but she kept bringing it up months and years later,and I told her.i apologized for that and will not continue to do so”,she said but u hurt me,we was friends,that’s when I told her,yes we were friends,I was a friend,but for 25 years you’ve treated me very unkindly,you belittled me,make rude underhanded remarks,everything i did i say was always wrong.and u know what she said”i made u stronger didn’t it”,never apologizing,never saying I’m sorry.that hurt me because if I could apologize for 1 mistake,she wouldn’t for 25 years of making me hurt,cry and wanting to quit my job.i don’t know how to feel.im sad for her,her family,but I just don’t know about attending her funeral and she may have instructed the family to not let me attend(She was like that)PLEASE HELP

  176. RobinA  November 15, 2017 at 9:02 am Reply

    I got one who was emotionally abusive towards me from the time I was 5. He was the father of a friend I made in 1st grade . He thought it was funny to, among other things, scare me by chasing me whenever I came to her house. He did it for years. The family always made sure to tell me that he was “only joking.” It was my fault, of course, because I would run when he tried to chase after me. If only I would stop running. Right. After I was in my teens he would find other ways to harass me verbally. In my 30’s I made the decision to avoid his presence, thereby avoiding all family functions at my friend’s house. I have never said anything, because it would hurt my friend tremendously and she was also 5 when this started and there was nothing she could have done either.

    My issue is that this man will die soon and I will not be the least bit sorry. That’s not the problem. The problem is the funeral, which I think I can handle without having to say anything good about this creep, but am at a loss as to how to handle it when, inevitably because it always does, the issue of his “joking” behavior towards me will come up. This all started happening in the ’60’s, but times have changed and just exactly how egregious this behavior is has now become obvious (as it should have been then, who gets their kicks scaring a skinny little 5 year old). I don’t want to start something, god knows especially at a funeral, but I am not inclined to completely wave this off much longer when the subject is raised in order to elicit my ongoing understanding that it was all a big joke. Maybe the best response is, “Look, the less said about that history the better. I’m willing to let it go if you are.” Which is pretty much the way I feel.

  177. RobinA  November 15, 2017 at 9:02 am Reply

    I got one who was emotionally abusive towards me from the time I was 5. He was the father of a friend I made in 1st grade . He thought it was funny to, among other things, scare me by chasing me whenever I came to her house. He did it for years. The family always made sure to tell me that he was “only joking.” It was my fault, of course, because I would run when he tried to chase after me. If only I would stop running. Right. After I was in my teens he would find other ways to harass me verbally. In my 30’s I made the decision to avoid his presence, thereby avoiding all family functions at my friend’s house. I have never said anything, because it would hurt my friend tremendously and she was also 5 when this started and there was nothing she could have done either.

    My issue is that this man will die soon and I will not be the least bit sorry. That’s not the problem. The problem is the funeral, which I think I can handle without having to say anything good about this creep, but am at a loss as to how to handle it when, inevitably because it always does, the issue of his “joking” behavior towards me will come up. This all started happening in the ’60’s, but times have changed and just exactly how egregious this behavior is has now become obvious (as it should have been then, who gets their kicks scaring a skinny little 5 year old). I don’t want to start something, god knows especially at a funeral, but I am not inclined to completely wave this off much longer when the subject is raised in order to elicit my ongoing understanding that it was all a big joke. Maybe the best response is, “Look, the less said about that history the better. I’m willing to let it go if you are.” Which is pretty much the way I feel.

  178. John McKenna  November 11, 2017 at 7:47 pm Reply

    Great to read this as my father died just two weeks ago we hadn’t spoke for 6yrs after he sided with my abuser who happens to be my brother in law, I still don’t know just what it is that I feel, due to the brother in law still being alive and still refusing to take responsibility for his actions. I did go to the police with this but as it is my word against his they can’t do anything. He say’s “I don’t really know”?

  179. John McKenna  November 11, 2017 at 7:47 pm Reply

    Great to read this as my father died just two weeks ago we hadn’t spoke for 6yrs after he sided with my abuser who happens to be my brother in law, I still don’t know just what it is that I feel, due to the brother in law still being alive and still refusing to take responsibility for his actions. I did go to the police with this but as it is my word against his they can’t do anything. He say’s “I don’t really know”?

  180. BB  October 17, 2017 at 6:26 am Reply

    I was estranged from my older brother for nearly 20 years. I had cut ties with my abusive mother, and he saw this as a personal rejection and would have nothing to do with me. I never got to see his kids grow up, and I don’t know his grandchildren. Likewise, he never got to know my kids or shared in my life.

    My memories of him are good and bad. I remember him being the protective big brother who would never let anyone do anything harmful to me. I remember his generosity. But he also hurt me physically a couple of times in my youth. One time, he shot me with a BB gun and another time, when I was 13, he punched me in the face.

    Now, he’s in a nursing home in the late stage of death. I went to see him two days ago. He wasn’t conscious, and I don’t know if he could hear me, but I told him I love him and that I was sorry for all he has gone through. It may sound silly, but I felt some “excited” energy from him. It seemed like he wanted to communicate with me, but I’m not sure that what he had to say would be positive or negative.

    And despite everything that has come between us, I’m grieving. It’s a very confusing grief. I guess, more than anything, I grieve for what could have been, and I grieve for him for all of the suffering he has experienced.

  181. BB  October 17, 2017 at 6:26 am Reply

    I was estranged from my older brother for nearly 20 years. I had cut ties with my abusive mother, and he saw this as a personal rejection and would have nothing to do with me. I never got to see his kids grow up, and I don’t know his grandchildren. Likewise, he never got to know my kids or shared in my life.

    My memories of him are good and bad. I remember him being the protective big brother who would never let anyone do anything harmful to me. I remember his generosity. But he also hurt me physically a couple of times in my youth. One time, he shot me with a BB gun and another time, when I was 13, he punched me in the face.

    Now, he’s in a nursing home in the late stage of death. I went to see him two days ago. He wasn’t conscious, and I don’t know if he could hear me, but I told him I love him and that I was sorry for all he has gone through. It may sound silly, but I felt some “excited” energy from him. It seemed like he wanted to communicate with me, but I’m not sure that what he had to say would be positive or negative.

    And despite everything that has come between us, I’m grieving. It’s a very confusing grief. I guess, more than anything, I grieve for what could have been, and I grieve for him for all of the suffering he has experienced.

  182. Sally  October 12, 2017 at 12:31 pm Reply

    I’m finding it difficult what to write on the card that will get attached to the family flowers to a dad I did not have a good relationship with and had not spoken to in the last 2 years , any suggestions

  183. Sally  October 12, 2017 at 12:31 pm Reply

    I’m finding it difficult what to write on the card that will get attached to the family flowers to a dad I did not have a good relationship with and had not spoken to in the last 2 years , any suggestions

  184. Sarah  September 8, 2017 at 11:24 pm Reply

    I really want to thank you for this article. I really never feel like I’m “supposed” to feel when it comes to the death of my step mom who abused me throughout my childhood and adulthood. My father is great man; inside and out. This fact made it harder to hold his hand as he grieved the wife he loved so much and the woman who treated me so terrible when he wasn’t around. I felt guilty, angry, relieved, and sad for my father all at once. This article has helped TREMENDOUSLY with dealing with her death, my father’s grief, and my grief for the relationship I will never be able to have with her. I cannot tell you enough how this clear, precise, and well written article has helped me.

  185. Amy  August 21, 2017 at 3:57 am Reply

    This article was good to read. My brother died last night after a dragged out battle with cancer. We weren’t close. He was 17 years older than me and already left home when I was born. I have lovely memories of him from my childhood, but in later years I found I didn’t really like him much. He was a very generous person, and there was nothing bad about him particularly. He was bad-tempered and impatient and often embarrassingly rude to people (he called it straight-speaking!!), but he wasn’t abusive or mean or toxic. His politics led him to believe a lot of things that I found quite abhorrent, but he lived thousands of miles away for most of my adult life so it wasn’t much of a problem. My husband and I visited him last year, all paid for by him, which was fantastic, but we found his company difficult – mind you, he was suffering a lot of pain. I expected to be sad for my Mum and for my brother’s wife and son when he died, but I’m floored by how upset I am myself. I can’t stop crying today. It’s not like his dying is going to leave a hole in my life, as I hadn’t expected to see him more than a handful of times over the coming years anyway, he lived so far away. I guess the bond formed when I was little and he was my exciting big brother off on adventures and bringing me gifts and stories was stronger than I thought.

  186. faye  July 19, 2017 at 2:53 pm Reply

    Thankyou for this article.
    My mother in law has just passed away . My relationship with her was very difficult. She suffered depression and mental illness. I was never able to be close to her and I struggled with her manipulation of her family.The hardest thing for me was her inability to be a grandmother to my three children. She would miss birthdays and make little effort. I do understand she was sick and these were my expectations but that didn’t make it any easier. Strange thing is now she is gone I feel so sad.

  187. Franz  July 11, 2017 at 4:35 am Reply

    Thank you for writing this article, it has really helped me to be kind on myself regards my Dad’s death.

  188. Zippie  July 10, 2017 at 4:52 pm Reply

    This helped. Right now I have a father in law passing of cancer. He has 2 – 4 mo to live. My husband’s side is in chaos and tears. And I’m just going about life as normal. I have perfected the frowny, concerned face. Honestly, I struggle to find sympathy for a man who never took time to get to know me, dislikes all of my husband and I’s hobbies, is down right rude and crabby 24/7, and makes little remarks under his breath about me. Fyi, he also has no friends. I told my mom he has the personality of a wet dish rag. At least my work pays me 3 days Bereavement when he passes. And, I will buy a new, cute outfit for the funeral. But emotionally?? I don’t care.

  189. Marie  June 30, 2017 at 7:09 am Reply

    I have been in an abusive marriage in every sense of the word for 43 years. Spare me the sanctimonious platitudes about the choice I made for myself and my daughters to stay. They are grown and have scars but are also well functioning adults due to my parenting in large part but also his few good points: steadfast provider; he did not cheat or lie. But he was cruel in the extreme. I am still with him and I struggle with internal rage I try hard to swallow. He is in poor health at 63. I stopped liking him at the beginning and hating him for good in 2009 after a terrible event concerning my own health in which he was seriously neglectful and abusive. My being very ill makes him angry I surmise because if I am, I become inefficient in my duty to care for him in any and all respects. So to the point: I hope you may see why I fervently look forward to widowhood. That is an awful statement that is a burden in the extreme to live with. This has been a particurly bad week with my heart stabbed once again with his cruel statements. I no longer cry, but I rage inside. Not being able to suppress it, which is unusual, I let him have it. I can’t be a rug 365 days a year it seems. Anyhow, thanks for these words of wisdom. It helped me to make a new goal: while there is no way to change him, like him, or refind love: I can try to act towards him what I was raised to be: kind and competent to him in his certain to come frail demise.

  190. Michelle Fox  June 9, 2017 at 5:54 am Reply

    This article was just what I needed to read. Thank you.

    My dad passed away earlier this year. He had been mentally abusive to my mum for years and I seriously hated him. When I first found out he has passed I was completely relieved!! Finally my mum would be free of him. However since his death my anger towards him has fadded away and now I’m definitely grieving… For the relationship I wish we had mostly I think. It’s very confusing to feel this way about him.
    Today would have been his 70th birthday.

  191. Karen Robinson  February 23, 2017 at 5:34 am Reply

    Thank you for the article, with interesting aspects of different grief. I can relate to much of this. My Mother passed away last month and I had had an enormously close relationship with her as a child as she was a single parent and fought to keep me, having to work for a living to do so (in those days), as a nanny, and later nursing. I was her constant companion, with interludes of being ‘farmed out’ with strange people to help care for me whilst she was working, I even spent many of my Christmas Days on a medical ward with her when she was nursing. Then along came other relationships, she chose, unstable needy men, with mental health problems it seemed and I was rejected in favour of her partners, left to my own devices for long periods and they became her significant ‘other’. this happened over and over and when her adult relationships failed I was there to pick up the pieces for her as she turned to me. I have such mixed feelings, struggled with self worth and now she is gone I don’t seem to know my role or identity in life any more. Was supporting her perhaps partly my purpose? Now it seems I can grieve for all the hurt she caused me, which I dared not acknowledge previously, just because she was my Mother and I was not allowed to blame or criticise her in any way. I still don’t want to find any fault in her, but know the truth of how she treated me in making a succession of step-fathers and their children, more important than me. Complicated grief indeed.
    Karen

  192. Andrea  February 6, 2017 at 9:18 pm Reply

    My brother died in November. We had a distant relationship, could tolerate each other in social environments, but no we were not close. I cried when I found out he died and a little at the service. But I grieve more for the dog I had euthanized 2 weeks before my brother died. I worked in Hospice for 5 years and the experiences I had made me realize that it was ok to be estranged or to not like someone or to grieve differently. I do feel bad for my other siblings, though. They were so distraught and are so angry at our nephew – he himself had a tense relationship with his dad – and I just don’t feel that way. They say they understand but I don’t think they do.

  193. Mike  February 3, 2017 at 8:38 am Reply

    I really don’t get this bloody nonsense about “closure” – must be more rubbish we’ve imported from the U.S.

  194. Toni Lepeska  February 3, 2017 at 1:21 am Reply

    Thank you so much for this article. I’ve never read info on something like this. It really validates what I’ve experienced.

  195. Jeni  February 2, 2017 at 2:56 pm Reply

    Thanks again so much ladies, for all your hard work and for always putting things in ways that are easy to read and understand. I am working with someone right now who had a death in her family that fits this whole post. She found endearing and tender moments with this family member but also found this person to be abusive, manipulative, embarrassing at times, and made life very hard for everyone. I am going to be sharing this with her soon (as I do with many of your posts and materials we’ve ordered at my work :)). This was really timely and I appreciate all you do so much!

  196. B.  February 2, 2017 at 10:15 am Reply

    Thank you for this. I lost a family member almost 6 years ago, and it was a complicated relationship. We were semi-estranged (due to the person’s mental illness). I feel different from other grievers because of the circumstances of the death (sudden death). I know mine is a complicated grief.

    • Eleanor  February 2, 2017 at 10:36 am Reply

      Hey B. – I’m sure that it is very complicated. Have you ever heard of the term ambiguous grief? I wonder if you experienced any of that before your family member even died. This may add the differences you experience now as a griever.

  197. Sandra Wolf  February 2, 2017 at 10:09 am Reply

    a poem I found quite some time ago and have shared often…
    Today I Talked to the Urn
    It sat on my dresser for over a year,
    A symbol of a relationship that is no more.
    I could barely acknowledge its existence,
    The ashes within were a symbol of things
    I wanted to forget.
    I tried to bury pain, frustration and anger in my heart,
    Telling myself, “It’s over now; time to forget,”
    Forcing the truth deep down,
    So it wouldn’t hurt me anymore.
    But the truth refused to stay buried.
    Pain, frustration and anger
    Kept surfacing in odd ways,
    And I wondered why I couldn’t heal.
    Little by little, bits of insight
    Have made themselves known.
    Bit by bit, I’ve learned about myself.
    Fragments of truth shed light in my darkness.
    Today, I talked to the urn,
    So long ignored.
    As I faced the truth about my anger,
    And about my part in the misery past.
    Acceptance and affection for the one now gone
    Washed over me
    And I asked for forgiveness
    When today, I talked to the urn.
    By Margie Casteel, Littleton, Colorado

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