Grieving the Death of a Spouse or Significant Other

Death, regardless of the details, is capable of devastating those it leaves behind.  Brother, sister, son, daughter, mother, or father – all losses are significant.  Although commonalities exist amongst people who have experienced a certain type of loss, individual grief is as unique as the person experiencing it and their relationship with the person who died.

While we are hesitant to categorize and careful not to compare, we do acknowledge that there’s merit in recognizing commonalities.  Shared experiences tell us, if nothing else, that we are not the only ones. And if other people have had struggles similar to our own, then maybe our grief isn’t as crazy as it sometimes seems.

Today we want to discuss some of the reasons why grieving the death of a spouse, fiancé, girlfriend, boyfriend, or significant other is difficult.  We aren’t going to tell you how to grieve these losses, because we don’t really believe ‘type’ of loss dictates a certain way of coping. However, we do know that these types of losses can present very specific barriers, stumbling blocks, and secondary losses.

Of note for people who don’t regularly read WYG: we have linked some of these to past posts which go much further in depth on the topic.  Also, we are going to use the term ‘partner’ and ‘significant other’ for the purposes of this article because they apply broadly, that’s our thought process and we’re sticking to it.  Thanks to our readers whose input went into writing this article.

 1. They were your best friend

We recently wrote a post about grieving the death of a best friend.  Afterwards many people commented that their partner was their best friend, which made their loss feel two-fold.

2. They were your go-to support person

Who was the first person you’d call when something happened?  It didn’t have to be a big something, like an emergency, it could have been a small something, like someone annoying you at work. For many of you, your significant other was the one person who knew how long to let you vent and how to calm you down.  In fact, there are times when you still pick up the phone to call them after a terrible day, only to be reminded that they are gone.

3. They provided you with unconditional love

Love may not be blind, but it is often very accepting.  Your partner may have been the one person knew how deeply flawed and crazy you were, but chose to love you anyway.  The world can feel dark when it seems like there is no one in it who will accept and love you for who you truly are.

4. They were the only person who really truly knew you

Perhaps your partner knew how you took your coffee and how you liked your eggs.  Maybe they knew your weaknesses and fears; where you came from; and what you’ve been through. It can be comforting to be ‘known’, but this kind of ‘knowing’ is not easy to come by and takes a long time to build.

5. They looked out for your needs and your well-being

Although they may have been selfish from time to time (who isn’t?), overall they probably thought of your needs and wanted you to be healthy and happy.  After having someone like this in your life, not having it can feel very scary and isolating.

6.  They were your source for physical intimacy and comfort

I’m not sure much needs to be said on this matter.  As a human you most likely crave some level of physical comfort.  It may be that you’re open to intimacy with someone new, but haven’t found anyone.  Or perhaps you long for intimacy, but can’t imagine that kind of closeness with anyone but your deceased loved one.

7. Your living space feels empty

You miss their mess, their snoring, their talking, their singing, and their TV blaring.  Your bed is half-empty when you go to bed at night, and again when you wake up in the morning.  Your home is incredibly lonely and way too quiet.

8. Logistics and secondary losses

After the death of a partner, there are endless logistical considerations like household chores, the loss of primary or secondary income, childcare, paying bills, paperwork, estates, dealing with their belongings, the loss of identity, and so on.  You can check out our post on secondary loss here.  Regardless of what you’re dealing with, trying to balance life after the death of a partner can come with a lot of responsibility and pressure.

9.  You feel pressure to do right by them

If you were your partner’s next-of-kin, the responsibility fell (falls) on you to make decisions on their behalf. Perhaps you knew what they wanted in terms of end-of-life care, funeral arrangements, estates, and belongings, but if not, you are left to guess. Hopefully, you have the support of your extended family, but in some instances it can feel like you’re fighting against everyone to do what’s right.  Sadly, guilt and regret over decisions made at the end of a person’s life can have an ongoing negative impact on your grief.

10.  You’re single again

A return to single status is hard for a hundred reasons.  To name a few, #’s 11, 12, 13 & 14.

11. You sometimes feel like a third wheel

Many people say they feel like a third wheel after the death of their partner, which can be awkward and alienating.

12. Pressure to start dating

People often push you to move on well before you’re ready

13.  Dating

How long have you been out of the dating pool?  Long enough to fear jumping back in?  Some people love dating…many do not. Although you may feel ready for a new relationship, you may simultaneously dread the thought of dating (we don’t blame you).

14. Your next relationship might not “get it”

We receive a lot of email from people who are dating while grieving and who are dating someone who is grieving.  Our anecdotal impression – it takes a special girlfriend/boyfriend to (1) understand death does not end a relationship, (2) allow the deceased’s memory into their life, and (3) understand that you can love a person in the present, while continuing to cherish a significant other who has died.

death of a spouse

15.  They were your co-parent

Parenting is hard; being a single parent is harder; being the single parent of grieving children is one of the hardest.  When your co-parent has died, all responsibility falls on you to keep your children safe, clothed and loved.  Parenting is difficult after a death for a hundred reasons, including #’s 16, 17,& 18.

16.  You have to watch your kids miss out

Every time a milestone happens – father/daughter dances; mother/daughter sleepovers; proms; weddings; drivers licenses – you have to live with the knowledge that your child’s excitement may be somewhat tempered by grief over the absence of one of their parents.

17.  You are the keeper of your loved one’s memory and family history

You may feel as though it’s your responsibility to keep your significant other’s memory alive in this world, especially for the sake of your children.  You are the link between your children and their deceased parent and so it is your job to help them stay connected.  This may feel like a lot of pressure, but it’s also a wonderful way to continue your bond with your loved one.

18.  You mourn all the things your significant other will miss out

You may grieve for everything your partner will miss (has missed) out on.  Special moments, having children, having grandbabies, retirement – these are things your significant other would have loved to experience.

19.  You mourn all the things you will miss out on now that your significant other is gone

After someone dies, it is normal to grieve the past as well as your hopes and dreams for the future.  Since your loved one has died, you will mourn for all the things you had dreamed of sharing with them.

20. Death is a threat to your identity

Are you a husband?  A wife?  A widow? A widower?  For so long your identity, in some way, was a reflection of your relationship with your significant other.  Now that you have to live on your own, without your partner, your identity may need to shift and change.

21.  You live with unresolved guilt and regret

It is common for people to feel guilt and regret about things that happened in their relationship with the deceased, even if these thing occurred years before the person died.  Perhaps you wish you had treated your partner better, perhaps they never forgave you for something, maybe you regret something you said, maybe you regret not saying enough, or maybe you feel guilty for the fact that you survived and they died.  The battlefield of love is fertile ground for the coulda’s, woulda’s, and shoulda’s that are typically seen in grief.

22.  Your relationship with their family and friends is changing

Sometimes, despite the best of intentions, people grow distant and they lose touch. There are a lot of caveats as to why this happens, but for the purposes of this post, it’s most important to acknowledge that in losing a significant other, sometimes your overall support system is cut in half.

23.  Special Days

You not only miss being able to spend special days with your significant other but now these days have become a minefield of reminders and grief triggers.

24.  You miss the thoughtful little things they used to do

Notes, oil changes, special dinners, birthday cakes, surprise lattes, gifts for no reason, compliments, inside jokes, letting you rest – whatever it was, it was unique to you and your loved one. Nothing can replace the joy they brought you.

25.  You miss the things that drove you crazy

To be honest, you also miss the things they did that drove you up a wall.

26.  Being on your own is hard

It’s hard to go from having a partner in life, to doing everything on your own.  It’s not that you can’t cope with life on your own, but you got used to the security and comfort of having someone at your side.

27.  You worry about being truly alone

You were supposed to grow old with your partner, and perhaps you worry that you will spend the rest of your life alone or lonely now that they have died.

28. You have to live the rest of your life without them

And without them, this feels like a really really long time.


Listen to the WYG Podcast

May 16, 2018

515 responses on "Grieving the Death of a Spouse or Significant Other"

  1. My husband’s emotional return
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  2. Dear Jim,I’m sorry for your loss which is so similar to mine.That’s why I felt the need to reply to you.It’s the first time that I write to someone that I don’t know.I ’m 63.I lost my husband of 31 years last January 26 2019.Already over a year ago.It seems yesterday.I lost him suddenly,unexpectedly.We have no children.He was everything to me.My companion, my best friend, my whole family.Since then I just survive, one day at the time, one day better, one day worse.I can’t even cry.It goes deeper than that.A total devastation, a complete loss of my identity.I don’t recognize myself anymore.I feel that nobody around me really understands what I’m going through.I receive a lot of platitudes from friends that,I know, mean well but that still have their normal lives while I’ve lost everything.And they anger me.I considered suicide but you must have courage to do it and I lost that too.I’m not giving you any soothing words.What happened to us is too terrible for that.I just want to tell you that I can truly understand you and your pain.I am in it myself.You’re not alone.Take care

    • I just lost my love on April 30, 2020. We were together for 13 years and he was only 38. I am completely lost. He was my best friend, confidant, lover, and person that made me smile EVERY DAY!! His death was so sudden. We had so many plans. This is the hardest thing that I’ve ever gone through. I cry every day. My mom thinks I should go see someone for my grief but I think this is perfectly normal and it’s far too soon to see someone. Everything in this house reminds me of him. I am still in disbelief! I cannot imagine being here without him.

  3. Lost my soulmate of 25+ years over the Xmas holidays . He hadn’t been well for a few years, but we never thought his life would end anytime soon. The reality of this loss didn’t hit me until very recently. Emotional numbness finally gave way to the deepest, most heart-wrenching pain and loneliness I’ve ever experienced. Being in lockdown during a historic pandemic only magnifies the grief. He’s not here to weather the storm with me, and he’s never coming back. Ever. The house that we shared for so long has become like an emotional minefield; everything in it is a trigger of tears. I can’t stop crying. Every single day, sometimes all day. I joined a church-based weekly grief support group back in January. It seemed like a positive thing to do, an active step toward (I hoped) feeling better. Unfortunately, the group leader uses the meetings as a platform to tell his own story over and over. Therapeutic for him, of course, but other people in the group aren’t getting enough “airtime.”

    • I feel your pain , Zenae. I lost my loving husband of 19 years April 16th, 2019. My life has changed so much. I never stop crying since his lost.
      It”s harder for me esp with this Covid. I feel so alone..I am in so much heart is so broken…

      Take care always,


  4. On the 5th April 2020 I lost my boyfriend of 3 years. We had known each other for 19 years but life kept us apart. We only had 3 wondeful years together and I can’t accept that he died in his sleep of a type of pulmonary embolism. He was just 43. I can’t comprehend the unfairness of it. How does one continue living life?
    I miss him so much. He was my best friend, the one I spoke to the most, the one who loved me fully. My love for him has nowhere to go.

    • I lost my boyfriend of 3 years to murder on February 10th 2020. We planned on marrying march 17th 2020. That man loved me unconditionally, he was truly the love of my life. This will sound corny but he was my soul mate. Im 24 going on 25 in the next two days. Ive been so lost and confused i thought ive been doing okay but as time passes more an more people tell me i havent been acting like myself. What can i do? Im barely 25 and i love the man i love. I dont know what to do with myself anymore i understand im not the only one who has lost someone but this sucks so bad

    • I understand you but I don’t know what to tell you, other than you’re not alone. The love of my life died of a stroke in his sleep one month ago 3/23/20. He was only 31. Every day has been hard but this week in particular has been excruciating. We had met nearly 5 years ago and I’d loved him-and only him-since that wonderful night. Physical distance kept us apart (I’m a flight attendant in the US and he lived in Sweden) but we always kept in touch and visited each other, and at times talked about marriage. I live a lonely life but he was my silver lining. I loved him, and I knew we had a special and rare connection. Happily and sadly our bond only strengthened over the years. I knew I was special to him just like he always was to me. My life was just starting to come together so I could see him more (debt paid off, bought a small condo…time to go live more) and he died suddenly. I don’t know what do do now that he’s gone. I cannot even go to his funeral because of this god forsaken Corona virus that limits travel. I’m so lost. I’m so sorry for you. Life is a cruel joke.

    • Maxine Ann LettingtonApril 26, 2020 at 3:40 pmReply

      I first married My high school sweetheart. He just got out of the Navy, we bought our first home in April for my Birthday my hubby said. We planned to have all our children by the time we reached 30. After almost 10 years of marriage my husband passed away on my 28th Birthday 3 months before his 30th our children were 7 months 3 yrs, 4yrs and 8 yrs old. I was miserable, bitter, hateful and just couldn’t understand why God did not heal him. I started to look for the good and thought I better be Thankful for what I did have and began to a just with my children. In my 40s I was blessed to married another Christian man. He became my soulmate and spoiled me for the next 34 years.. On March 27th he passed away. With the Corona Virus we couldn’t even have a church service. I asked the girl from Hospice who had been coming to sing to my husband if she would play her guitar and sing as 8 visitors at a time visited at the funeral home. Again at the cemetery she played a few songs while family members who had gathered in small groups sang along then the minister said a few words before we left. I tried again to look for the husband never wanted to be cemented and just days later because of the Corona Virus they were talking about possibly having to start crementing everyone who passed away and you could no longer have anything at the funeral homes or cemeteries. I am so Thankful for what I did have. Many friends asked me how I am doing and I generally answer ok and sometimes I really am but a friend of mine whoes husband also passed away 6 months ago told me about a song that after listening it describes how I and many others must feel after flooding a loved one. It’s called “A picture of Me without you” sang by a artist with the last name Morgan.

    • I lost my husband suddenly to cardiac arrest March 13, 2020. He was my everything, my soul mate. He was my first love at age 13 til my father ran him off then we reconnected 28 years later In October 2014, got married April 2017. We would have celebrated our 3 year wedding anniversary just last week. I am so lost without him so empty. The pain seems so unbearable. I keep replaying that if I could have seen a sign maybe he would still be here. Then I look back to times we may not have gotten along and feel like I was this horrible wife. I beg and plead with God to let me turn back time, although I know that’s not possible. How do I go on? How do I pick up the pieces of my brokenness?

      • Liss- Your post really struck me. My darling man also died on Friday 13 March of massive heart attack. Sudden, unexpected, instant. I would like to talk to you more…

        • I lost my husband from cardiac arrest after open heart surgery on Jan.31,2020. I still am in the first stage of grief, I cannot accept the fact that he is gone forever. One minute we were talking and laughing about getting discharged from the hospital and anxious to get back tr farm and in a split second he was gone. I cry everyday and I am just living o e day at a time that is all I can manage right now.

        • I lost my husband from cardiac arrest after open heart surgery on Jan.31,2020. I still am in the first stage of grief, I cannot accept the fact that he is gone forever. One minute we were talking and laughing about getting discharged from the hospital and anxious to get back to the farm and in a split second he was gone. I cry everyday and I am just living one day at a time that is all I can manage right now. We had no children, I lost my mother in Dec 2019 so this has been a very difficult time for me. We were married 51 years.

  5. I lost my wife of 30 years to cancer on February 9th of this year. It is coming up on two months and the feelings are as raw or even moreso than the first week after. She was and remains my everything. I feel that I stopped living when she died and that I will never be happy again. If not for my kids, I’m not sure I would even be alive right now. Add to this, the pandemic we are now in and I can’t even be with the friends who have been my support all through her illness. I don’t know what the future holds in store but for now it is waking, eating and sleeping and the sleep doesn’t come until 4:00am. I hurt.

    • Hi, I lost my wife on Jan 22 suddenly, We were married for 31 years and she was my everything, She was 62 and we had no children, it was just the 2 of us, we did everything together. My heart is broken. There are days that I don’t think I can go on
      but I struggle just to make it thru the day. I miss her so much and I am so sad. The loneliness of her not being here with me
      is so hard to accept. My life feels like it has stopped when I lost her. I just wanted to let you know that I understand where
      you are and if you want to reach out to me , I am here. Thanks for listening to me.

      • Jim- I feel your pain and offer my condolence. My wife passed away from cardiac arrest after surviving intubation in the ICU for the third time in three years suddenly in a kitchen chair in front of me exactly one week after coming home from rehab. We were married for 56 + years and she was my whole world. She had end stage COPD and was not expected to survive but did because of her will to live. She has been gone for over six weeks now and at 76 years old although I’m in fairly good health I’m totally crushed and feel empty without her. We were a team and could read each others minds. I hope you recover from your grief and know you will always love your wife as I love mine. God bless you.

      • Dear Jim,I must reply to you because our situations are so similar.I’m 63.Last January 2019 I lost my husband of 31 years, all of a sudden, unexpectedly .It’s been already over than a year but it seems yesterday.We have no children.He was my companion, my love, my best friend, my whole family.I have no life anymore.I lost my identity.I Just survive taking each day at a time, one day a little better,the next worse.The platitudes that friends and people around me offer me just make me angry.Nobody understands what I’m going through.They mean well,I know, but they have their normal lives while mine is gone.I also considered suicide but that requires a courage that I’ve lost too.I know that you understand and I understand your pain.You’re not alone.I’m sorry to be unable to offer you soothing words but I offer you my sincere sympathy.Take care

    • I feel for you all. I lost my wife nearly 5 five years ago to cancer after a fight for 8 years. She was so brave for so long! An ended life at 46
      So many pain felt events you never forget
      Everyone loved her as she could light up a whole gathering with her smile
      I still feel lost as it Never goes away but why would it when the love you shared as one is split and you then have to make it on your own
      It does get a bit easier year after year and strength does come back somewhat but I’m learning that the pain will always be there because of so much love shared and would I change that! Not a chance
      As said in old writings ….Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all!!
      I think all one can do at dark times is count your blessings and be grateful for the gift of that love!!!

  6. My boyfriend of two years died on Christmas just before my birthday . He died 12/25/19 and my birthday is 1/23 . I’m 20 now and he wud be 26 This may . He was my first boyfriend my first love my first everything .. we been the so much together in such little time he was my soulmate he is my soul mate . Everyone keeps telling me I’m young and I’m gonna meet a lot of people but it’s not the Same nothing will be the same . I fear that I will nevr be able to love or to let anyone get close to me bcuz the only person I want is him , the only person I want touching me and sleeping next to me is him. Anyone else wud feel so wrong. I don’t want anybody else I have no desire At ALL for anybody else I only want him. He was my reason to wake up in the morning . I promised him that I wud love no other man and be with no one else that’s not him and how am I supposed to fall in love with someone else how am I to give myself to someone else wen he is the only person I want .

    • My Boyfriend passed away 26 Days back. 3 weeks before his birthday. He would turn 21. He was the youngest and the brightest in our class. 35 year olds would come running to him for help and he’d gladly be there. That was his sole motto, to make sure people have it easy after him. He died after being carried away by a river current. They all had dived in for a swim. We were on a trip. Today, I just live with guilt, I keep thinking if I could have saved him. He was my most beautiful. I am two years older than him and I feel like somewhere he was my responsibility. I keep wanting him back. With every breath. Life feels pointless today, I don’t have it in me to carry on.

    • I understand your pain and before I go on.. I know it bothers ME when people say they understand my pain. I don’t know why, it just does.
      However, my boyfriend/fiancé (he had a ring and was about to propose) passed away suddenly April 9th. I wasn’t there by his side when it happened and his best friend was the one who called me and told me.
      I understand what you are feeling because I feel the same way. I don’t want ANYONE but HIM. I can’t even explain the love I have for him. He was everything I ever dreamed of and more. Just like you, I am young too. I am 25 years old and have been told by some: “you will fall in love again” and it makes me so mad because he was/is the love of my life and I don’t want any other guy in this world but him. We were planning on having a baby and I was so excited to share that with him, I would cry happy tears just thinking about it and now I don’t want to even imagine myself pregnant or anything at all. One day our goals seemed so close and something I was so eager about and now they are just a dream that I constantly think about but I know it will never come true.
      Dark thoughts have come into my head, I have to admit. But I could never do anything that would hurt my family. I don’t want them to suffer the pain of losing someone they love because I know how hard it is.
      I understand your pain, I do. I have at least some hope that time helps but right now I don’t see how it will. but you are not alone in this, I promise.

    • Imagine you are the princess and this sadness you feel is the pea under you mattress, just like in the fairy tales. Stack a zillion more mattresses on top of this tiny enduring pain that you would give anything to be free of and yet you will always feel the pebble that is your love. Now take that pebble and place it in a locket and never let it go. Wear it as a badge of honor. Wear it as proof that love exists- or it did, that one time. Explaining the pebble to others is futile. No one will ever understand why you would tie yourself to a trivial piece of dirt. But you know. You feel it in your soul. This person was a part of you and you owe no one any explanation or apology for how you feel. And if you try to forget, it will surely roll back under your mattress and disturb your dreams forevermore.
      That’s the pain of losing your deepest love. No pool will ever be as deep, but remember that you might be someone else’s refuge. Love the ones here as much as you were loved. It*s the best way to honor your dearest memories.

      • Thank you
        I wear my husband ashes around my neck.
        We were married 55+ yrs
        I cry every day ….it’s been 5 months. I know I will
        love him till I die. I will love my family n friends.
        I have found Jesus n he is my comfort now. I have decided I will take life a day at a time. Not afraid of death cause I have someone on the other side.
        God Bless you all.

  7. I lost my soulmate of 22 years just 4 weeks ago. He died suddenly and unexpectedly. After reading other people’s experiences I know that I can grieve in my own way and at my pace, regardless of anyone else’s opinions. I will love my darling husband always, forever and fiercely. I will love you sweetheart until the very last breath leaves my body and we can be together again. This is not goodbye, but goodnight. Sleep well sweetheart until we meet again.

  8. I sometimes feel that a part of me died, too. I lost my husband two years ago to aneurysm. It was Family Day at our then 6 year old daughter and she wondered what is taking him so long in the bath. She found him and up to this day, we cry about it. We were together 13 years and it sometimes just so hard to get up. I want to grieve properly and really cry my eyes out but I can’t. I have to be strong for my daughter.

  9. I lost my fiancé to an overdose just over a year ago. We had just finished shooting dope together and I guess we fell asleep. The dope was cut with fentanyl. I woke up the next morning to him dead in the bed next to me. I have gotten over the crippling depression, but I cannot shake the empty feeling within me. It’s like I’m utterly devoid of any emotion. We both struggled with heroin addiction and would use together daily. I got him hooked on needles and this inevitably led to his demise. Most days I think that it should’ve been me. Fuck, I would give anything to switch places with him. He had so much potential, so much passion. My actions effectively killed him. I got sober, but I can’t help but think that I should intentionally overdose so that I can be with him again. Idk. I just don’t think I can live with the PTSD and survivors guilt anymore. I have nightmares every night. Every. Night. It’s becoming too much.

    • I hope your taking care of yourself Zac … you have been through alot but got yourself sober and the best and only way to honor your late fiance is by living your life to the fullest…hope you have support.. doesn’t matter how much times passes we still will hurt from the loss of a loved one.

    • Zac, reading your comment broke my heart for you. If you ever want to talk to someone who has a lot of the same fears and guilt and regret, please reach out. My husband of 11 years died april 6th 2020 and while we have been clean for over 6 years, I have reasons to believe he wouldn’t have died from heart problems at 32 had I not brought drugs into his life. It’s incredible you’re sober. You are so damn strong. Dont OD on purpose. You won’t end up where he is. He didn’t do it on purpose. Idk if you believe in God, but I feel like the devotional I read this morning was more for you than me now that I’ve read what happened. The only part you need to hear is the verse “to die is to gain”. He is in paradise, living in a parallel dimension right where you are. He sees you and hears you but through a different lense. He isn’t mourning his life cut short and he wouldn’t want you to live like yours has been. Please stay strong and know, you are loved.

  10. I lost the love of my life on 1/26/2020 of unknown causes. Whatever happened happened fast so I believe it was a clot of some sort. I tried to save him but I couldn’t. How do you continue to live without the love of your life. We were engaged in November, we were family planning and it was all ripped away from me. I am getting tired of hearing “it was just his time to go” or “everything happens for a reason.” What reason was the love of my life ripped away from me? That’s what I say when people tell me that and they cannot give me a reason.

    I just pray every night to not wake up so I can be with him. I cannot live without him. I would never do anything intentionally to hurt myself but I welcome passing in my sleep so I can be with him for eternity.

    I have not dreamed about him nor do I sense him around although I talk to him all the time.

    I am just still in disbelief and it physically aches that he is not here with me.

    • My fiance died horribly on 5/02/2020. The love of my life. He left for work and never came back as he had an accident due to a crash while driving… I’m so devastated and I can’t accept it… He was so healthy and happy more especially becouse I am pregnant with his fist child. It’s so hard everyday I weep hoping this is all a dream… I don’t know where to from here…. I’m in so much pain

      • This day haven’t even happened yet! WTF Zach and person who replied saying they “lost their girl on the same day”? I don’t think these are real people who have experienced real loss if it somehow happens in the future… that’s pretty much murder… if you already know their future “death date”.

    • wow I lost my girl on the same day we been together 28 years

    • Hy Mary my boyfriend died on the 12.02.2020 on our holiday cruise and they said it was a heart attack. He fell over in a second and I tried everything to get him back into life but it didnt work. He died in my arms before the ambulance came and I cant get over it. It hurts so much and he was the love of my life. I dont know how to carry on. I miss him every second of the day and always hope he is somewhere around me even I cant see him. He asked me last September if I will marry him one day and I said yes. I promised him from the day he died that I will marry him one day when I see him again. But till then I have to live my life because thats what he wanted me to do and I will do it for him. I feel lost the same as you but I hope i can be strong for him.

      • UTE… how did she die 8 months from now? That’s murder… if you know her “death date” this far in advance!! And if you murdered her, how much “loss” and “grief” can you really be feeling? Give me a f-ing break! Leave this to people who ACTUALLY loved their lost ones and didn’t CAUSE their death!! PUH-LEASE!!!

      • Great news UTE!! You still have time to marry as your boo doesn’t die for another 8 months!! Get crackin B-otch!! How dare you claim to know the pain of losing a loved one when clearly you haven’t, you’ve just planned a murder in advance!!!

  11. In 2016, my wife of 38 years, partner of 46 years passed. I am still in disbelief. I read recently where , for some, the death of a loved one results in a form of PTSD. I am just now realizing how hard it has hit me. I do not like to be around people. I do not want to go to a party. When my best friends invite me to any function, I ask if it is just us. If not I will not go. I let everything slide. I have no interest in most things. My lifetime interest in football is at a stage where I still go to the games only to spend time with my best friend , who , with his wife are the only two friends I have left. My lifelong reading habit is dead. I used to read up to two books a week. I have not read a book in 4 years. I spend most of my life sitting in front of my PC watching the news. What I see is depressing and not family oriented happenings. I have a family member that really needs my help. If not for his need and my love for him, I wish I were dead. (in jail, but seems to be over drug addiction. 33 years old and has yet to acquire a marketable skill. The last time he was home with me, I did not see a single sign of drug use. Really thought he had turned the corner, but then he failed to return his probation officer’s calls and they put him in jail for a year. His wife ,lives with me–no job, no skills and ,I believe she needs psychological help. Also believe she is cheating on my son. Just too much to cope with. Trying hard to focus more on my happy religious belief that my wife and I will be together when I pass. Hard to do when I miss her so much.

  12. I just lost my boyfriend a month ago, I have been crying a lot but now I am numb and scared, feels like crying but I cannot cry, I couldn’t sleep all the memories in the hospital As he struggle for 3 weeks Keeps haunting me. I just miss him so much!

  13. Last April 14 I lost my boyfriend (68 Yrs old) to a brain aneurysm! We were together 14 yrs 2 months and 6 days. He was my everything, the love of my life, my soulmate, my coach, my partner, my best friend, my lover, my rock and my adventure buddie. We had been through many ups, downs and adventures in our 14 yrs. I was thankful everyday that God brought him into my life. He made it complete, like the B side of an album! We had a great love of the Sport of Bowling. He coached me and nurtured my desire to improve and become a better bowler. In doing this, I was able to travel places, do and see things that I would have not been able to do otherwise. I find it difficult to do these things and go to the places that we once went alone. I desire someone to share these things with. However, I feel there will never be another like him and I keep looking for those qualities in my new aquantences. I miss him so much and I constantly ask for his opinion, even though I know I will not hear his answers!

    Missing Pookie Everyday!
    Sugar Bear

  14. I lost my husband on 9/24/19. He battled MPAL leukemia for 1 year and 8 months. He was on life support for a day and a half in ICU before he passed. He was 35 years old. We been together since we were teenagers and married for 15 1/2 years. We have 1 teenage son. Not a minute goes by where I don’t think of him and not a day goes by where I don’t miss him.

  15. My fiancee basically husband Phillip Lee Levan and i have that kind of love that is once in a blue moon. We are not just soulmates we are each other’s soul. And on Christmas day I had to watch as my soul got ripped into pieces as he unexpectedly passed at 29 yrs old from a blood clot that went to his lungs. Well the doctors worked on him for 45 minutes with no luck until the second he heard my voice in the hallway. His heart beat again and oxygen started to rise once they got me by his head and I was able to touch him and whisper in his ear. They was able to stop the chest compression machine and put him on regular life support. Well instead of just taking him to surgery to remove or break up the remainder clot in his lungs they took him to CT to prove it was blood clots. Which I don’t understand considering they was already suctioning them out of his lungs and was 100% sure it was clots. And they only allowed his oxygen to get to 14% before taking to a ct scan But while he was in CT I heard code blue over the intercom and that’s when my whole world slipped away. Not even 4 minutes later the doctor came and told me they wasn’t even gonna try that he is gone. As I watched them wheel him past me. Exactly 1 mth from today.
    I feel l completely empty and dieing inside. Which I know I’m not as his soul is inside me and mine when went with him. Until his heart stops beating in my chest then our souls can reunite. It physically hurts to be away from him. I have already had 6 mini heart attacks and was diagnosed with broken heart syndrome. I know have to keep forcing myself forward for our boys but it isn’t getting easier. It’s getting harder and harder.

    • Spirit Buell, I can’t begin to know what you are going through but your post resonated with me in so many ways. My darling wife Giuseppina (Gio) and I went on holiday to France, from England, to finish editing a book we had written together. We did absolutely everything together and were each other’s best friend and soul-mate, if there is such a thing. After finishing the edit we went out for a celebratory meal which included oysters and the following morning she felt sick and fainted, so we assumed she had eaten a bad oyster. A few hours later things got considerably worse. She lost consciousness and was foaming at the mouth. When the paramedics arrived her heart stopped and I watched, as if in a living nightmare, whilst they pounded on her chest giving CPR. We were on vacation… this isn’t supposed to happen on vacation. With no symptoms, no poor medical history she had suffered a DVT in her leg which travelled to her lungs to cause a pulmonary embolism. She lingered in a coma for 5 days until her heart gave out for a 4th time. This time she did not recover and she passed in a French hospital on the morning of what would have been our 42nd wedding anniversary. 5 months later I still feel so desparately alone, so lost. We had planned to do so much more together when I retire in just 2 years time. Now I feel my life is over and has no point. I just published the book we wrote in her memory, I need her to have a legacy of some sort. But now I have done that I need to do more to continue to feel close to her. She was Italian and I am taking classes to improve my language skills for her to feel proud of me in some way. I am so sorry I didn’t try harder whilst she was alive. Next year I am planning a 100km pilgrimage to Rome in her memory. Maybe I’m acting weird but I feel if I can keep honoring her name then I will stay close to her whatever may come.

    • I feel the same. My husband soul is in me. I understand. Lost him 3 months ago.

  16. Such a great summary and a good reminder for when I feel like I should be just getting on with it all better!! Yes yes yes to pretty much all those things. Thank you for reminding me its ok not to be ok xx

  17. I lost my boyfriend on 13 August 2018 due to a car crash. We had been dating for three years so its safe to say we knew each other in and out. He was my best friend and my boyfriend all in one. I didn’t have any close friends because he would always stand by me. One minute I think I have accepted what destiny had in store and the next minute I find myself going through a heartache that no one can heal, I still find myself crying at night even until today. loosing someone who means everything to you can never be easy. And now I can never truly give my heart to any other person. Not in the way i gave it to him. Even in death he is still my number one and will forever be.

    • How are you coping now? I lost my boyfriend recently as well and it’s the end of my world.

      • I lost my boyfie too buh in last year October .I totally relate .take one day at a time .ever missed someone so much till your heart and chest aches physically ..

  18. On October 31,2019, I lost my fiance I James. I was at home when the daycare that we both went to called me. M y world came crashing down . We had just celebrated his birthday and we got engaged to get married. He was going to buy me a ring. So in that time that I had him, I was caught up in my drug addiction I hid it from him for 2 months.. When he died a large part of me died too. So the week before Thanksgiving , I told my mom that I wished that I was dead, my mom told me to go ahead. I took four different pills and I passed out at the kitchen table. I’m still dealing with his death everyday I think about him and I miss him. Trying to move on is very hard to let go of the life we had.

  19. I lost my soulmate 27 days ago. He was 20.. It was an accidental overdose. We both battled addiction for a long time, him about 3 years, me just 1. We didn’t realize how bad of a problem it really was. He went to jail multiple times, different rehab facilities, but there was no stopping what he already had made up in his mind. We split a perk 30 that morning on Dec 9, what I didn’t know was that he also took a Xanax. I know he didn’t tell me because he knew I didn’t approve. The whole day was relatively normal, but around 6:30 he went to bed. I joined him a little later, he was breathing weird but I didn’t suspect much of anything as he always snored funny. We were dating for 6 months… in-love for a year. Our connection was instant and immediately stronger than any other relationship we had in our lives. I started falling asleep then noticed it was too quiet, his breathing stopped. I am 18 years old. I had to do CPR on my best friend, wait for the police to arrive, only for them to tell me it is too late. We were just cuddling in bed… every day feels impossible and thinking about the future brings so much pain. Disassociation is HUGE. I never recognize myself or remember anything or feel like life is real at all. I go through the motions and feel either numb or devastated at all times. Seeing all of these comments just makes me have more anger for the world. What are we supposed to do?? I don’t care about moving on and loving someone else… I just need Alex. We never got to get married, or have our kids we planned, or get our RV, or even finish COLLEGE. I know I am lucky to have had that extraordinary love and live with my soulmate, but it was not enough.

    • I lost my bf of 3 years earlier this month too and I feel like I died with him. I don’t want to be in the world anymore. I hate not being by his side.

      • Yea i lost my bf of two years a couple days ago and it’s just not a world I want to live in anymore if he’s not going to live it with me. Honestly the only thing that makes me less depressed is knowing that when I pass I’ll see him again. But other than that, I feel hopeless and don’t want to be here. But it also makes me feel better to know that I’m not alone and other people feel exactly what I feel.

    • I lost my boyfriend the same way just two days ago and he was only 18 years old. I know exactly how you feel when you say you don’t want to be with anyone else and don’t care to look for anyone else. We were supposed to grow old together and do so many things. It just wasn’t enough time. It just feels like you have nothing going for you in life anymore and no purpose to live anymore. All I wish is to see him and for us to be together again when I pass. You’re definitely not alone. I’m not sure if you believe in god or a higher power but you will see him again and he’s watching over you everyday.

  20. I met my husband on feb 3 2013, and we fell in love with each other right away, 3 months later we got married. life with him was the best, I love him very much, he was my everything my best friend, my to go person, we have so many dreams and plans for our future, we were planning on having a child on 2020, unfortunately he passed away on Dec 11 2019 and I feel like I’m dying with out, I cried a lot, i feel so much pain in my heart, he was the love of my life and hurts deeply knowing that I’m not going to see him anymore, i miss him sooooooooooooooooooooo much.

  21. I lost my husband of almost 3 years suddenly and unexpectedly on Dec. 16, 2019. We have a 20 month old daughter who we adored and I still adore. There are no words. He was my best friend and the love of my life. I have been through all of the emotions (sadness, anger, etc.) and have cried so many tears. I have been doing the logistics and it hurts. I will make sure our daughter knows all about her father when the time is right.

  22. My hubby passed away Early Saturday morning, December 1st, 2018. it is devastating and I have resigned myself to knowing that I will NEVER get over it. One can only cope with what life hands you. When we met, we knew we were meant to be together. We used to talk about this all the time. He was older than me, but we knew that we completed each other in every way. He would think something and I would give him a call and mention just what he was thinking. He might think of going out to dinner at the place we loved, and I would call him and say, “Hey, why don’t we take the kids and go out to dinner tonight at the place we love.” It makes me smile now, but there are times it makes me cry. I cannot describe how much I miss him – I miss him more than my life. We loved each other “to the moon and back.” I see him in our son’s eyes and heart. It pains me. It will always pain me.

    I talk to him as much as I can. On the way to work, on the way home, during the day etc. The Christmas after his passing, I was numb. Now this is the second Christmas, and I still feel numb. I have found though that keeping things around that were his special stuff – like his favorite jacket vest and hat…makes me feel close to him. I have some favorite pictures of him around and I at least am able to talk about him to my co-workers and friends without always breaking down…Not all the time, but more often now. He was a great man and I feel his presence – some days more than others. He always said – we have each other…now I am both of us. I used to tell him – “you are IT and there will never be another – you are IT!” He would smile.

    For those who are grieving, find and keep the things the your spouse treasured and keep them in view and keep them around. When it gets too much, take a break and try to nap to regain your strength especially if you have kids. Never give up talking to them. I believe they hear you. I gotta believe that.

    It helped me to go to the places we used to go to. Was it hard? YEP! But I can go there more now that I did it initially and I can feel him there. You will never forget them and I believe they will never forget you. They would not want you to be sad and despondent. Just figure that out that you would not want them to feel that way had it been reversed. I cannot tell you that I will never be sad but maybe I am a little less sad and a little more remembering the funny and good times we had. My heart is broken and I cry at night and I know that will never change but I know that I can make that feeling a little better by remembering his infectious smile, the way he ALWAYS had a Plan B, the way he would laugh, talk, just his ways. We loved each other well and that will never go away. But we all have to figure out how to cope with it, and not have it take a hard toll on us.

    I hope this helps those who feel this is the end of life as you know it. I know that if I don’t go on, how will he go on. Until we are together again…I show him how I love him. We send up a single helium balloon on his birthday, holidays, and special days like anniversaries. It helps. I donated some of his clothes and did it in small amounts. I am keeping all the favorite things of his and I keep something of his in every room. He had a favorite shirt and believe it or not, I keep it on the bed and our two cats ALWAYS lay on that shirt. No where else…just on his shirt.

    I’m writing a book all about him, his life, and our life together. It helps. I have assembled pictures of him and us and the kids etc. and it helps. I didn’t think I could watch any of the shows we watched together, but now I did that and I feel like he is there watching with me. You have to try to balance it and you have to try things that help you through it.

    We cannot do it alone, but sometimes that is how it is. I think the worst thing is – In the last 10 years of my parents life, hubby and I took care of my parents visiting, caring, and doing just about everything for them. They loved my husband as their own son. I have 2 brothers and they did not visit and hardly did anything to help. When my hubby started having some physical issues, neither lended a hand. Sad isn’t it? After my husband passed, I could have used having a real brother talk with me and visit me and help me get through it…nothing! That was hard for me too. So, here is what I say about that. I am grieving and it has now been over a year and I have not heard anything from my brothers. I know if this was them, I would be there for them and I know that my hubby would have done the same. You have to deal with things you get handed…and now I have resolved myself to the fact that I am technically an only child. This is irreparable hurt that cannot be fixed at this point. I feel they never cared about us and probably were happy that we took care of Mom and Dad and they didn’t have to be bothered. We did everything right and I know i did the right thing. They will have to look themselves in the mirror and if they have a conscience, it will bother them someday…

    For now, I am managing the coping. I wish all you well. Pray, Eat, and keep the Love in your heart of your loved ones.

    • I just lost my husband and Bestfriend 10 days ago he was 26 and I’m only 35.. It’s so open and fresh it’s painful but reading this shined a light on how I feel and what’s to come. I needed to read that. My kids (3 & 10) need me to go on. Thank you

    • Liz:
      Your post touched my broken heart. Thank you. I am sitting here crying and thinking about all the same things you write about. Its very hard to live after losing your best friend. I lost my wife Christine on 6 December a few weeks ago. We were married 35 years. I will NEVER get over this either…so true and people just don’t understand. Fortunately, the boys are grown but they are taking the loss very hard. I am trying to be there for them. Right now I am just trying to get through the night. God Bless and I am very sorry for the loss of your best friend and husband. Regards. Chris

    • Liz. Thank you for showing the courage to share this real truth about what you are going through. I want you to know that you are touching people with your honesty and brokenness including myself.

  23. The holiday blues, yep I know what they are. Last year I was numb and couldn’t feel anything, my first Christmas without him. This Christmas I am feeling everything; issues with sadness, loneliness, and regret.

    Losing the one person who knew me best and loved me anyway is a real loss. My love for him has not dissipated or changed. He is missed everyday, I compare it to having your legs cut off. Every movement takes extra effort and reminds you of what you are missing.

    On another note;
    I don’t know that he is ok, or where ever he is at. All I do know for certain is that I am not ok where I am at. And it’s the fucking holidays.

  24. I lost my beloved fiancé 2 days ago. It was Saturday morning. We had plans to go to a party that evening and Sunday I was supposed to go wedding dress shopping with my mom and his mom and our sisters. We planned a funeral instead. He passed away next to me in bed, we were doing the thing every couple in love does on an easy Saturday morning. When it was over he died. I’m an ER nurse and I couldn’t save him. I don’t feel real right now. I love him.

    • I understand this statement that “you don’t feel real.” I feel the same absence of reality. I lost my partner, the love of my life and future husband, the person I imagined living the rest of my life with. I lost him only 5 months ago at the end of June. He died due to complications from a tonsillectomy. A tonsillectomy! It seems like this life is cruel joke. He passed away tragically in the ambulance—he asphyxiated and by the time he reached the hospital there was nothing they could do to save him. He was 28 years old, healthy and strong. Everyday feels unreal. I keep expecting to wake up from this nightmare and find him cuddling next to me. I know that these words may not be comforting, but at least know that you are not alone in your pain and that what you feel is normal, because it is true. I’m so sorry for what’s happened to you.

      • I am so sorry to hear this,insist my Beautiful wife dec 14th,it crushed me ,I’m so lost also and I dont know wat to do.

    • So sorry for your loss, very sad

    • This made me cry. Just lost my husband 10days ago. He collapsed at home and being cpr certified as a medical professional I thought how could I not save him. I read that and balled my eyes out. I guess my not alone in that feeing

  25. I lost my husband on 1-26-2018, I have written here before. I just wanted to encourage you to not become isolated, and to maybe seek out a group or therapy where you can talk to and listen to others who have lost loved ones. Sometimes friends and family may not know how to relate to your loss. I joined a Meet Up group that helped define grief and what to expect, it helped me to see that I wasn’t alone in this phase of life. It also let me know that it’s OK not to be OK.

    I pray for all of you who are on this journey.

    • Great place to listen to other people greiving…lost my wife of only one and a half years married to a head on collision
      on Nov 24th 2019….the pain is unbearable…she was my life
      in an instant our dreams of growing old together gone….hard to imagine life without her but I am taking it one day at a time.

  26. I lost my boyfriend of 7 years when I was 21 and he was 22. He was my first true love and when he died a big part of me died. To lay out how significant it is when a partner dies, figure this. I’m now 31, 2 kids, new relationship and the pain still gets to me. I am much better than I was years ago but I still think of Chris. Bc we grew up together when chris died I feel like a huge part of me died with him. I still talk to him and wish I could tell him all the good and gard times I’ve experienced. I wish he could meet my kids, I know he would love them. I wish I could talk to him and not only in my dreams. All I can say is time goals your wounds and it doesn’t hurt so bad after awhile. I’m blessed to have my children, they saved me.

  27. I lost my boyfriend on 6-15-19. I never knew that his time would come this fast. I met him when I was a late teenager, and he was quite a bit older than me, (died at age 40), but we never let age affect our relationship because we loved each other and we were happy with each other so that was all that mattered. We were together for 2 and a half years. The strange thing is is that we met on an online dating site, which may appal some of you, but he was 100% the real deal, tall, handsome, blue-eyed, gravelly, yet soothing voice with a southern accent. We were 430 miles away, but even though our relationship was online and long distance, we still managed to make it work for 2.5 good solid years. He was my world, and I, his. We’ve talked on the phone countless times, I loved him so much, I still do. He passed from an accidental overdose because he needed to take many prescription meds for his mental health and physical health since he’s been in many accidents. His weak body couldn’t take it. What was even weirder was that he had this notion that he was going to die soon, and he’s had this feeling for a while but I denied it because i did not want to agree with him on that and told him he’s going to live for a long time. We even talked on the subject of marriage a couple of times. He was a white man, who didn’t have a strong faith in God, and I am a Muslim whose parents are from Pakistan. Because of that, he’s been nothing but completely respectful, kind, compassionate, understanding, and loyal to me. After he died, i thought i could never find another man like him. I am single right now, and not really looking for anyone at this moment. I hid my relationship with him from my family because I did not want them to react negatively about it, which would end up not letting me talk to him. A day before he passed, I finally opened up to my sister about him and then i told him that i did that. She’s been nothing but understanding and open about it, but wished that i didn’t have to carry that burden on me for so long and told her sooner. i told her about his death and she’s been my support system for that. His friends and family that i contacted with after his death have all been support systems for me, so it was easier grieving. I miss him so much and i love him so much, and it gives me peace knowing he is in a happier, painless place.

    • My wife passed away nov 2 2019 at the age of 31 we have a 10 month old daughter iam a muslim and she was white but she converted to Islam it’s so tough losing a love one I was single for a very long time till I met her the day she came into my life i knew it was true love and i was going to make her my wife we were together for 5 years and it was the best 5 years of my life it’s such a tough time for me and my daughter right now only thing that helps is prayers life has turned into a emotional roller coaster I can understand what you are going through it’s very hard

      • I think it is difficult for wanting to spend time with someone who was very culturally different. Sometimes i get afraid if i have upset God for being in a relationship with a man who was not only outside of my race and religion, but also one who came from a really rough background. it was why i never told my mother.

      • My husband too aged 34 and I have a four year old. Keeps asking about his dad 🙁

    • Hello Aneesha I 100% understand you, my boyfriend pass away a month ago, he was twice my age and it was a hidden relationship from my dad and family . I am so broken and I feel so empty and lost and life without him is scary. I just hope one day I can learn how to live with the pain.

      • I have heard of statistics of short marriages because of large age gaps, but really i think age is just a number. as long as you love each other that is all that matters. i didnt see it as being disgusting when i was with him. honestly, i just do not find guys my age (19) very mature because girls mature faster than guys. i prefer older men who know what they want. and i am aware that even guys above 30 act like stupid teenagers, but men like my boyfriend who passed, with exceptional maturity and loyalty are what i look for. i just wish people to stop staring at couples who seem to have a bit of an age gap. men my age are still boys, i prefer men, not boys. and my boyfriend was quite the gentleman i loved

      • hi Esperanza
        i can defiantly relate to your pain my man was twice my age am 27 now he died 48 , i love him very much. i miss him everyday ,
        i cry everyday , he passed on 20-11-2019, am feeling lonely unbearable pain . i miss him sooooooooo much

  28. My wife died 9-8-2019. She was 53 years old, I am 58 years old. We have a 14 year old daughter. My wife was sick for a long time and was in the hospital for a long time.. the day before my wife went to the hospital, our dog new there was something wrong with my wife, he went on to the couch were my wife was and laid on my wife stomach. I lost my job in june of this year also . I have no family but my daughter. I am so lonely and depressed without my wife, I miss her so much. We were married one month short of 26 years. John

    • I am so sorry for you. My husband passed last week and I am having a dreadfully time. I don’t feel like living anymore.

      • My boyfriend passed away 24th Aug 18 and I know exactly how you feel. I’m really starting to struggle without him. We was together 2and a half years and spent everyday together. We was each other’s best friends. We had talked about marriage and were trying for a baby before he became ill with pneumonia. He spent 2 months in and out of hospital and died of heart failure. To this day there hasn’t been a day when I don’t think about him. I find it hard talking to people who haven’t lost a partner as friends are telling me to don’t be afraid to love again and it’s time to move on but it’s easier said then done when you are completely in love with someone. You can’t just switch those feelings off. I’ve had friends recently get married and announce pregnancies and I have to pretend I’m happy for them when I’m crushed inside. I wish each day that I could just go to sleep and not wake up but I wouldn’t want to put my family through this so I am living in a nightmare.

        • I recognise so much of what you’re writing and basically feel exactly the same way. My partner, whom I was living with for the last 2.5 years, suddenly died unexpectedly on the 5th of November 2019. I am devastated. According to the autopsy results, he died of a brain hemorrhage. I can’t understand why he didn’t get a proper check-up long time ago, as I’ve told him so many times that all the headaches that he had wasn’t a normal thing to have so often. And I don’t understand why he didn’t take medicine against high blood pressure when he knew he should. His death is so unnecessary, and so much more tragic because of it. I think it could have been prevented. I don’t know anymore if I believe in fate and that it’s all predetermined when we’re supposed to pass away. I don’t know what to believe anymore, but he shouldn’t have died at the age of 39. We had finally met, late in life, and were so “glued” together due to circumstances as well as strong love and affection. We were supposed to be together till we get very old. How I can go on living without him is incomprehensible, and I can’t believe how horrible this thing called life can be. My partner was full of life. I feel so sorry and sad for him for not having the chance to realise all his plans. We had just moved to Finland where I am from together, and had started a new life. It lasted less than 4 months. And I am completely unable to live without him. I feel like a ghost. I am still waiting to wake up from this nightmare.

    • Don’t give up. You are going through so much. I pray your child will provide the strength you need to get better. My husband died on 9/18/2019, cancer devastates everyone. We need to find motivation from their memories and the love we shared.

  29. I have just lost my husband of 34 years today-we’d been together for 7 more before that. It’s hard. It’s very hard when one has to deal with an illness that just would not stop, the pain he faced would not stop-the anger, guilt and pain always eating at you because he was always sick, and you don’t want him to be in pain and you can’t make it stop, ever.
    We’d hoped he was getting better-but it didn’t work out that way. He went into the hospital just about a week ago (and had been again, and again), and never made it out alive. He deteriorated after a botched procedure put him into a semi-coma. He never regained consciousness..and when the time came, it was my decision to end his suffering. It came down to me. Nobody else. It was just the two of us. There was no other way. He would not have done any better anytime. I knew it. I knew before I was asked that I would have to do this. When I saw him collapsed on the hospital bed, breathing so badly, I knew. It was over.
    I knew then he would not be back. He never opened his eyes again.
    Nobody on earth should ever have to do this. Never. It’s beyond pain.
    Oh, I know..he would not have wanted to be put on trach, he would never improve, he would not have done any better, and he was going to die..but to be given the choice, I just would like to have him back at home bitching at me about the politics, the stupid people out there, and so on. We were always talking at each other, sharing each other’s passions..complaints, and joys.
    Intellectually I know it was the only thing I could do. Ethically and morally. But the pain has started and so have the tears because I’ve lost the only man I’ve loved for the past 41 years and he’s not coming from the hospital or anywhere, ever again.
    It’s indescribable. It’s horrendous, surreal and bizarre to be alone with nothing more than memories and belongings.
    Thankfully I had a hospice team bring us through it, but it doesn’t lessen the emptiness that I came home to, and will come home to every single day of the remainder of my life.
    Sure, we had a up and down life, but I would not have traded it for anything..and now that he’s gone, I wish I had it back..and him as well. I’m grieving right now, and expect to for the rest of my life-but I also know he would not have wanted me to crawl into a hole and die.
    But damn it all, I loved him and I miss him with all my heart, and wish it would not have happened. Getting older doesn’t make you wiser-it just reminds you of the frailty of life.
    I hope I find peace in the coming days, months and years. I will always treasure having had this life with him. I know he’s not in pain anymore and is at peace. During the last few minutes of his life I lay in the bed beside him and held him. I hope (and believe) that he knew I was there, holding him. I hope I helped him transition. I just wish I had someone to hold me to tell me it will get better. But I know there is nobody else.
    It does comfort me though (my sister in law mentioned it) that the 2nd is All Soul’s Day..and he’s become a soul.
    I came across the site looking for something to read to help through my grief.
    It has been so helpful to know that I’m not alone.
    All I can say is peace be with us all.

  30. I lost my husband on the 21st of October 2017 from liver failure. He was seeing a Dr. for a transplant when an infection went out of control. I will never ever forget the day the Dr told me he can’t do the liver transplant. I told the Dr. if you dont Sam will die.and the Dr said yes he will. I was with Sam till he died. I still grieve as much today as the day he died. My heart aches for him so. I miss him so much that I can not even breathe sometimes. It doesn’t get better with time . I just don’t let people know how much I hurt because most friends and acquaintances or family members don’t understand the hurt because they have not had anything like this happen to them. Sam and I were married and together for 32 years. He was my second husband. He was how a real husband should be. Family was important to him and we loved each other so much. Someone told me the other day about some man that was single and we should go on a date. I told them I will NEVER date anyone. Sam is /was the only one for me ever. Oh, by the way, to those that was so happy to point out the typos that others made when pouring their hurt and grief out I don’t care if I have Typo errors or my pronunciation isn’t correct. This is written by me who is grieving and hurting so much that I don’t care if I have typos . People like you are insensitive . Keep it to yourself

  31. My husband and I were ,arrived 66 years, I was 16 he was 19. We knew we loved each other so much, had 2 sons accomplished much since not having graduated from high school. I have now lost the only wonderful ,an in my life. He died on sept. 23rd and he knew I was with him I sang to him our love song to young.have wonderful family hope I join up with him on heaven

  32. I just lost my girlfriend of 7 years who i fully expected to be with forever (Lived together for over 6 years). She was 33. I’m 31 and basically a widower. I have no idea what to do. I’m so scared.

    • Dear Kyle, September 28, 2017 I lost my boyfriend who I had onlyI knew for 1/5 years to suicide. From first day I met him, He colored my world’s so beautiful with all respect, Love, Carries….etc..that any woman wish to have, I had it all. He was such an awesome, warmth and funny person that I wouldn’t ever think of his act. Well he had a dark secret, which coast him to take his own life for any reason he had in his mind. I loved him more than anything in this world. For first time after my dad passed away I felt safe again. Till that happened. I lost it! I don’t even remember when I went to his house, when his dad opened the door and grabbed me, and crying! When he said Eric my love was gone. I just fainted. I don’t remember what happened after till I woke up at hospital. I thought that was a dream or I was in coma. But when I turned my face saw his sister sitting by my bed I realized no that was real….. was really heart still now my heart it’s shattered. Either I’m happy or sad I always remember him. Our times and how special he made me feel. And no I’m not talking about materialistic, I’m talking about respect and attention… I was so scared till a year after he was gone. I didn’t want to get close to no one. Till I met my fiancé who truthfully understood my situation and stood By me patiently. I would never forget Eric’s love for me. But my Fiancé sweetness and understanding helped me to go through this tragedy. I hope your angel will watch over you. Don’t be scare. It’s not easy but God knows you can handle it just take time. My prayers go out to you🙏🏼

  33. I don’t want to keep living but I have to because of have 2 daughters to raise. I lost my young wife to a long battle with cancer. We shared everything together. She was the only person I relied on in life. She was my outside connection to the world. God should have give me cancer and taken my life. Why did he choose her? I have no idea what I’m doing. She had everything under control and figured out. She even made doctors appointments for the girls over the phone just a couple of days before she passed. I can’t live with this pain and I promise I had not even the slightest idea it would hurt this bad. You must know the pain I’m talking about. I want to scream, I want to hit things, I don’t want to be here. I would give absolutely anything, anything to be with her for just another full day. I don’t see how life is fair. Nothing has meaning anymore. My wife had an education, career, and so many people that loved her. I will never understand while living on this earth why God would choose to take her. I need her God, I need her, not you. The only reason I’m still here is to take care of my girls.

    • I feel you on this. Same i have to take care of my 2 girls. It so painful, i lost my husband last sept. And it was sudden. In 5 minutes everything change. I lost my bestfrnd and mortal enemy. My lover. I wish for a 1 day also. Or some closure so i can accept things. I struggle to sleep at night. Eat the food i have. All i want now is him. I also ask God why? Why me? Its so painful. My heart is dead also. Life is so unfair to me. To us.

    • I lost my boyfriend yesterday, yet I considered my husband cuz that was the next step, I have 4 boys who finally had comfort in knowing that my bf was there for us, he was truly like their father, every sec my life is breaking, I’m wondering why, the whole process of him being in the ICU for a week leading to yesterday, I was hit with the coulda, shoulda, wouldas, I don’t question why God took him, cuz I can’t blame him, he was the absolutely the best, most kind, sweet and loving person, I had never met someone like him. I’m finding it so hard how to keep going, I’m not really given a choice, cuz I have 4 young men to raise, almost 3 years ago I lost my mother, my first lost ever and lost my way, it was my husband that helped me find myself, our relationship was just beginning, we haven’t even been together 2 years yet, but I’m smart enough to know that in that short time frame, he made me understand that there was always a way through the storm, and I’m stuck facing this alone, cuz he was my right hand, gone entirely too soon. This pain feels like it will haunt me forever, I know I will never find another Daniel, people like him are truly one in a million, I just don’t know how I’ll get through this, I don’t understand why he had to be called home so early and I don’t wish this feeling, of lost to my worst enemy, they say God will never give you too much to handle, but the last 3 years has really set out to destroy me.

    • That’s exactly how i feel, i don’t want to live without my husband but i have 2 kids. I have to go on, working, shopping, etc. But the whole time i just want to scream, why? I had no idea i would miss him this much but i need him.

  34. I lost my soulmate on 27.8.19 – he had lung cancer but we believed he had beaten it and was in remission. We were married 40 years in August 2019 and went on holiday with our grown up children and their partners- two weeks later he passed away from secondary liver cancer 😢. I can’t believe he’s gone so quickly. He was such a strong man and he refused to talk about his illness and was adamant he would get better – I feel so desperate without him and feel like I can’t bear to live without him it’s all so pointless- my children are the only thing that keep me going. I just go about life in a daze surrounded by people but I am still consumed with loneliness. I am so angry as he was a wonderful husband, father and all round good man – why did he have to die when he wanted to live so much. He won’t live to see our beautiful daughter get married or play with a grandchild- I can’t breath I am so devastated and know this will never end

    • My husband of 43 years is slowly dying of kidney failure. He refuses to get on Dialysis. I also have kidney failure and on Dialysis. Today was a difficult day for me emotionally.
      It’s very difficult as we have no family here and just a few acquaintances. He doesnt want me to be involved yet I’m taking care of him. Whenever I bring up making final arrangements he gets angry.
      I’m dealing with so much uncertainty and am afraid.

    • I know how you feel. I am so sorry we have to lose the people we love. I feel i can’t live without my husband either. He passed away in sept. From liver cancer, i hate this cancer, it takes the people we love. We have to take comfort in our memories. That’s all we have

  35. I lost my husband of almost 30 years and living together for almost 35 years and knowing him since HS. Father of my kids and my best friend. He passed away December 16, 2018 and I miss him every day. This article has everything that I recognize and go through. Beautiful memories as well as sad memories and every where I go I have memories which are sometimes difficult to deal with. This week, a year ago, at Publix we got the call from Moffitt that something was wrong and the call came shortly after hearing that his cancer had not returned. Then to learn that he had stage 4 terminal cancer was shocking…approx 6 weeks later, he passed away at age 56.
    I lost a huge part of myself and you get to know your friends, or better said, people you thought were friends as where are they when you need someone to just enjoy some time. It seems, as I was warned, to be a person that they look at as a threat to their marriage, even though the thought of dating hasn’t even crossed my mind. The question if we had life insurance was another shocking moment.
    The easiest to talk with is people who, sadly, went through the same experience.
    Hearing from others that time will not heal, is another difficult thing that might be true but I try to be strong for my kids.

  36. My husband of 41 years is dying of metastatic melanoma. He has about four months left and I don’t even know how to make the most of them. He’s in the hospital now with new tumors showing up in every scan as he fades away any gradually becomes less of the funny, brilliant man I’ve always cherished and who always cherished me. I worry about the stupid stuff.. how to pay the bills and get him care when what I really want to do is lay in bed and watch tv on Netflix with him, I’m so lonely when I go home at night and I know he is too. We are both tired of this half life. I realize it will be so much worse when I ant even see him, when he’s gone for good, and my sorrow begins to leak out of me.

    • Patricia I am so sorry to hear this. Reading this hit home when I saw the date of this post, how many years you have been married and his cancer. The treatment and hospital stays also break my heart. On Sept. 29th 2019, when you posted I lost my husband suddenly at 1030am, he was 41 years old. We have been together since highschool. He had been in the hospital multiple times recently. He also had stage IV metastic melenoma and I also watch his amazing personality disappear over the last year. We were both scared and it was aweful to go home to a dark house and leave him in the hospital. He passed away suddenly from other complications, not cancer. Today I write this response to you with a hole in my heart. Enjoy every moment you can with him. Forget about the worry about bills and all the things that don’t matter, except the minimum. Cherrish the time you have, say I love you as often as possible. Prayers and love from me to you.

    • Hold him every second that you can and tell him how much you love him til the moment he is gone. Forget all other worries. You will have plenty of time to focus on that when he is no longer here. What I would give to have been able to to hold my partner and slowly let go til the end. He died suddenly at 59 and it’s almost 3 yrs later now and I still miss him so deeply. and feel terrible that I was not there with him, possibly to have saved him. Cherish every second.

    • Patricia I’m so sorry for what you are going through. September 28, 2019 I lost my wife of 36 years to metastatic breast cancer, she fought it for 3 years. Cherish every moment you have with your husband and lean on your friends and family for support. I always thought my wife and I would grow old together, enjoy our grandchildren together, but when this happens you don’t know how you will make it through the day. The only consolation I have is that she is no longer suffering with the pain and I will see her again one day. Try to stay busy, go back to work if you can, it helps to distract your mind for short periods. You don’t want to and you will never forget your husband but it helps to not think about the pain and suffering they go through. Hold on to the good thoughts and memories you made with each other.

  37. I lost my one and only on August 15th. I found this article recently, just trying to see how others cope. Our relationship was complicated as friends and family pulled us apart, but after seven years we kept coming back to each other.

    In the last three years, we had distance come between us. She had to move, and I was not able to see her as much. She was also fighting alchohol addiction.

    I had thought she had conquered the worst of it when I asked her to move in with me in Spring. I didn’t want to hide anymore, but she needed time. I was upset, and we didn’t speak for her last two months as a result because of my immaturity.

    I’d sell my soul to have her back, but it belongs to her. I wanted her to live with me, and by this Christmas, I wanted to put a ring under the tree. Now I won’t get that chance, and all I live with his regret. I regret how I acted, and how I should have stepped up sooner, because maybe she should be with me now. I have lost friends, family, but this is the first time I lost the woman I love. As the saying goes, “Love isn’t being able to picture spending the rest of your life with someone. Love is being unable to picture living without someone”, and I find living everyday without her to be a struggle. How do people cope with this?

    • Sorry bout Your Loss.i Loss my Husband Setember 15 2019 will be 2 months.feel like half of me is dead. cant focus.i cant think straight.i wake up crying all the time.i take 3 meds to help me but I over plied it because it dont calm me down.i tried stuffed animal ride with me in bed with me nothing helps he was the love of my life .. we was married for 26 years.he had boils low his bottom.. He had bad infection from it.infection cause a pus pocket..on tonight done emergency surgery. His heart stopped for 17 mintiues.he died on table.that was haRd for me I was alone in surgery waiting for good news and bad news came to me lord my Husband is gone for life I have noone but my family I miss my hubby.everyday its pain to wake up too I ask God every day help me through this..I am dying inside..

      • I could not believe you post . I felt like I was reading Harold’s story. He died on the 26 of September 2019. I read your post and I knew you because it felt so me talking. This is the biggest thing I have ever read that is how I feel and the dates etc. This is the biggest game Your husband and mine and your relationship is so much to same. Anyway Harold went to the ER by ambulance and he also had a infection throughout his body and it was caused by these knots at the upper part of his bottom. They could not get the infection cleared up. He had a very bad time of it . I miss my husband so bad and reading how hurt You are , I I identify with you. We are married 56 years this month. I was 16 he was 19 . I don’t know what we were thinking about. I feel like half of me is dead. My life will never be the same again. Charlotte E Miller

    • I lost the ONE 2 weeks ago yesterday, he was 35. He was my best friend, confidant and love of my life. I never knew love like the one I experienced with him. We had been friends for some time and then serious the last almost 2 years. A week before it happened he told me he was the happiest he had ever been. A day before it happened he told me he was ready to settle down. We were planning to move in together after Christmas this year. We were so in love. He battled some anxiety but in the recent months was so at peace and happy and healthy, like a glow about him. He was traveling for work when this happened and we are still trying to find out what exactly happened to him. He was found deceased. My heart is more broken then I ever knew I could experience and I find coping an issue.
      how do I move on? I don’t want to move on without him, he was my ONE and we had plans to take on the world together but now he is gone. The pain in unbearable. It seems to be one of the worst things life can throw at you.

    • Hi ryan
      I read ur problem..its actually very similar to mine with my boyfriend..who died last November.. family do have big interference with people but drink problem can be so upsetting and if u dont drink it’s like me….you sound to me like s very nice kind caring man..some day u find a person who deserves you so much and you will love her and please God ur family will accept her.. grieve as much as u like..but talk to someone I still talking when he died I still cry every day over him.. I loved him to pieces and his family were not happy with me I never drank or smoked ..but what ever I did for him i was not a farmer..he was in terrible relationship and i saved him from been litterly been very badly beaten up ..I Helped him get off drink they never happy..He was off the 9 years but unfortunately he died suddenly of a heart attack..I was so upset as I rang him very regularly and he advised me about everything..He told me he loved me 4 weeks before he died..My problem i bring flowers to his grave every month as its distant away, but his ex girlfriend has put a teddy bear with love sarah on it..I foolishly told her I go to the grave and I want to get rid of it because she put it there to annoy me…it took her 9 months before she visited it..what would u do .if u were me…

  38. I loss my fiancé on June 3, 2019. He had been admitted into the hospital 7 days prior when I found him unresponsive in our bedroom . Even though I lost it I performed cpr until the paramedics arrived. He had no health issues 😢😢😢. I don’t know why he didn’t auto. They said stress to the heart is what killed him. I am so lost without him, my heart is broken. I’m angry, depressed, so sad , I’m lonely. At this point I am just existing. I would give anything to have him back.

  39. I lost my husband of 23 years on July 12, 2018. He passed away from a heart condition but very unexpected. We have known eachother since we are kids. I was 10 years old when we met and he’s never left my side since until now. I understand now how when people talk about couples in love, actually elder couples. And that when one dies the other does right after them. Because to say I’m lost and broken now would be an understatement. My emotions do get the best of me though. One day I am so sad and miserable and then the next day I’m so angry that he is not here and won’t be able to see our boys get married or babysit our grandkids that we have one day together and have a blast. I am left behind but I have to stay strong because I have 2 kids to raise…alone now. Idk how to even take people seriously when they say just give it time. I don’t ever want to forget him or feel better. I miss him, he was everything to me. And I to him..I feel like he’s up in heaven so upset watching down on us bc he’s not here. I would give anything to see his beautiful smile again or smell him. And to kiss his lips or even be in his arms. I can relate to everyone on here. And it really is so nice to read all these comments and see I’m not crazy. Because my family tells me to get over it already. Needlesstosay I don’t want any part of them anymore. I’m gonna be ok that I know. I’m blessed with 2 great kids. My heart will never be full again but that’s ok bc my focus is seeing him again in heaven one day. He better be waiting open arms!!! Lol…and then maybe we can stroll around holding hands and go over the rainbow bridge and see all our old pets. not crazy don’t worry. I just have quite an imagaination. Hey, but u never know rt?? Much love to everyone on here❤

  40. Hi! I am so sorry for the losses everyone has experienced…suffered seems a more appropriate word. I lost my partner 5 months ago to cancer. She was only 57. She was so active and followed healthy eating habits. That just made her death that much more difficult to understand and accept. She was also my best friend. We did everything together and had many wonderful road trips and vacations together. We had a retirement plan and looked forward to spending that time together without the work obligations to just enjoy life. I am so sad that she cannot be here to enjoy it and to enjoy our families. I am also lost thinking about a future without her. She also leaves behind adult children that I cared about deeply, but they shocked me during her illness, especially when she became unable to communicate. It seemed they were focused on taking over our home and everything attached to it. I was the primary caregiver for their mom and was the only one at home with her until the last week, but as soon as she became unable to communicate, they started acting like it had not been my home and they had a sense of entitlement that it was their home now. Our home was only in her name , but we both invested financially and physically into our home. I knew her kids would get our home, because their was not a will. I was okay with that and told them I was okay with it, but they started making threats when I was only focused on caring for their mom, my life partner i.e. they told me, “there will be more hiccups to come and boundaries crossed” (this was said after they forged their mom’s name to make themselves durable power of attorney over financial and medical) and I was told that I would need to show receipts. Receipts for items I bought or that we bought…I don’t think so! The medical DPA was almost comical if it had not been so tragic, because her daughter named herself DPA and did not lift a finger to care for her mom. In fact, the one time I asked her to give a pain med to her mom (I had it dosed out and time written down) she failed to give it saying she got too busy with the social worker. The daughter called the social worker the two times she was at our home those last few weeks. It appeared the daughter wanted the social worker to think she was more involved than she actually was. Pain med do you forget the pain med when that was the primary focus at that point!?!? Her dose was 5 hours late, because the daughter forgot and didn’t think about it enough to tell me. After we lost my partner (their mom), the daughter called me less than 12 hours after losing their mom (my partner) and after I had only been in bed 2 hours, to tell me they were meeting at our home to discuss plans…after some pressing I found out it was to make plans for me to move out or rather tell me when I would be moving. I told them to give me a few weeks to grieve (my therapist said she would have told them a lot more than that). They would not stop trying to call me, so out of grief, lack of sleep, and their ongoing bullying I snapped and gathered my family together and they got me moved out. Well, I was then called an f***ing coward and a liar, because I moved without telling them. The daughter said the one of her siblings defended me through this “whole horrible thing.” I asked the daughter why he would have even had to defend me and she said, “because I was afraid you would drag your feet for a few months.” She said this to the person that had just taken “excellent” care of their mom. One moment they are threatening me and the next they are mad because I moved. The daughter also said I was putting my grief over their grief, because I moved and took only my stuff. She also told me not to show my face (her words) at my partner’s services. That was our home. How could anyone be that cold and entitled!? I don’t understand and will never understand. I have cut contact with them and never said one unkind word to them, even though there is so much I would like to have said. I don’t say anything out of respect for their mom! I can definitely relate to many people on this thread that are not only suffering the loss of a partner, but also the stressful circumstances of dealing with irrational, cold people. Grief is hard enough without the unnecessary unkind acts and words of others. I’m sorry that I went on and on, as I know we are all grieving. Please know that you are not alone. Lots of love, comfort, and prayers to each of you!

  41. I lost my lover, my best friend, my life two days ago. Alcoholism took him. I performed CPR on him until the paramedics came. They tried everything but his heart gave out. He tried every day to quit drinking and every day he lost the battle. We were supposed to move to the beach next summer to start a new beginning. We had plans. Now the only plans are a funeral. He was my soulmate. Half of me is now gone. My heart hurts so badly. Everywhere I look, everywhere I drive…. he’s there….but he’s not.

  42. I am a 67 year old woman who lost my partner of more than 25 years almost two years ago. I am trying to do what I think will help me move forward into an unknown new life, but it is still hard for me. In the almost two years since she died I sorted, purged, and packed 25 years worth of things, sold our home, and moved to another state where I have some remaining family. It was hard to leave my/our friends, but I felt that I need to be near some family as I grow older. I am settled now in my new space, and though I retired before I moved, I am contemplating returning to work part time to try to fill the empty hours. I have dinner with my brother and his wife once a week, and I am hoping to meet some people at church, but I am still having a hard time trying to learn how to move on. I am discovering that it can be difficult to meet and make new friends at this stage of my life. I still have pictures of my deceased partner all over the apartment, and I wonder if it makes me sadder to see them, and if I should put them away. I realize that I have got to find ways to meet and engage with others that I could occasionally socialize with, but I am struggling trying to figure out how to do that. I am not a total introvert, but neither am I an extrovert. Joining new groups is not easy for me. At this point in time, my life is lonely and I wonder how long it will be or if I will ever feel like I belong somewhere, like I am whole again.

    • Unfortunately, grief has no set timeline. It is different for all of us. A support group or widow group might be a good place to meet others. Also, is a wonderful place to find people with common interests around events – everything from walks to bookclubs to crafting, cars, sports, etc. This post might be helpful to look at – As for the photos, that is a very personal decision. For many, photos are bittersweet. You can put them a way and avoid the pangs of sadness they will sometimes bring, but then you also avoid the comfort and happy memories they also bring. I wish there were easy answers, but I hope you find some comfort and support here on our little corner of the internet.

  43. I lost my boyfriend of 5 years on August 21 2019 to cancer. He was my best friend, my lover, my go to person, no one knew me better than he did. And I don’t know how to go on with my life. I feel alone, scared, empty. He meant everything to me, and he had the most positive attitude about his situation. He always tried to convince me that it wasn’t that bad, and he was ready when time comes. I still cry myself to sleep to this day. I would be okay if I had to go today, that’s what I always think. I don’t seem to be able to let go. I can’t write beautiful words like others, one thing I know that he meant the world to me and I to him.

    • I can understand you. I am also going through the same pain. I lost my boy friend this July. He was my world. His death had completely broken me and I feel every day is a punishment for me to live without him. Wish death comes soon to me.

  44. I recently loss the love of my life on August 26,2019. We have a 7 month old little girl. I don’t know how to deal with my grief. I don’t want to get out of bed. I miss him so much. I have a 4 year old son that all he does is mention him all day. I know I have to try to do my best and continue with my life but I can’t. I don’t want to be around anyone. I don’t
    know how to function.

    • Hi I’m in a similar situation I have just lost my husband a few months ago and have a four year old. Please feel free to contact me

  45. I lost my boyfriend almost 5 months ago. On April 9 2019. I came home to find him. He overdosed on heroin. I tried to give him CPR and narcan but I didnt get home in time. I know the man I had he was trying so hard to stay clean. They say I have to let go so he may rest. And I want to but I cant I miss him every moment of everyday. Why why do i have to endure this what is the supposed lesson God is trying to teach.

    • It’s sad to read these accounts of death and loss. My husband died 1.5 years ago and it seems like yesterday. Every morning I wake up knowing that when I open my eyes; I am his widow, forever changed by an event.
      Never to live the life we so perfectly planned.

      My advice is to grieve hard, go out to a field and scream, beat the dirt, run, and cry your eyes out, do whatever helps you in that moment. No one has the right to tell you to be strong, to mask or downplay your feelings in your personal space. You are going to have to own this loss until you die and it is on your terms. You have taken one of the biggest faith hits that life will hand anyone. When your partner died Life stopped, you lost control, you found out how temporary life really is. You couldn’t turn to the person who supported you because they were gone. Give yourself the freedom to grieve. It’s going to be there for the rest of your life, you’ll need to recognize it. You have been injured and it is part of who you are.

    • Hi Jaylynn,

      I’m sorry you’re going through this. I know “sorry” doesn’t help or matter, but sometimes it’s all you can say. I lost my boyfriend/friend of 8 years on August 1, 2018– he died from Fentanyl. He had struggled with opiates in the past, but I had no clue he started using again, or perhaps that was his first relapse. I’ll never know. I relate on such a deep level to what you wrote. I wanted to know “why” too. I’m thirteen months in and I’ll ever let go of him, but I can tell you that my mindset and feelings are drastically different than how they were only 5 months after. Don’t let anyone else tell you how to feel or rush you to return to “normal”. Things will never be the way they were, and sometimes that’s the hardest thing to grieve. Take your time, don’t neglect your feelings– things will improve, but on your own timeline. Perhaps direct some energy into a project in his honor. I coordinated planting a tree with a plaque at the University where we met. As for why this happened… I still don’t know. To be frank, I stopped trying to figure that out. To combat this open ended question, I remind myself that even though I’m suffering, he’s at peace and free of his demons. My major take away from the past 399 days is to not take anything for granted and truly try to treat every interaction with my loved ones as if it could be the last. I’ve accepted that life owes me nothing and the universe doesn’t care– good things are gifts not guarantees. After the first month, months 5 – 7 were probably the toughest for me. Hang in there just a little bit longer, it will get easier. And remember that you’re not alone.

      • Hi Breezy, I know how you feel and what you went through. My wife also passed away from fentanyl on 11/13/19 she was 37. She suffered from the disease of addiction. This has to be the hardest thing that I’ve ever gone through. My wife was just in rehab in September. I also thought she was doing good when she got out. But it only took a month for her to go back and this time she paid with her life. The hardest thing of it all is I’m having a really hard time accepting it. I keep waiting for her to come walking down the hallway. We had so many plans we were finally moving forward and now it’s all gone. Im also an addict but I’m 2 years and 5 months clean. We have 6 children that are always asking questions and I do my best to comfort them. That’s also really tough because I dont ever feel like doing anything. Thank you to everyone that shared their story. It does help a lil knowing I’m not the only with these different kind of mixed up emotions.

  46. My fiance passed away 4 weeks ago, right in front of me. I still dont know what happened. His initial autopsy was inconclusive and theyve taken tissue samples for toxicology testing etc. He had a cold or flu, went to bed for a nap after we had spent the morning in the city visiting his mum (which we had the day wrong, it was supposed to be the next day). I was in the bedroom putting an extra blanket on him when he seized in front of me. It was an hour between that moment and when he flat lined. He had just turned 40 the week before, and we were getting married in 2 months. I felt a lot of pressure to get things done, didnt have a lot of support from his mum in the beginning, so I swallowed my emotions and did what needed to be done. I went back to work after 2 weeks and I feel like its only hitting me now that I’ve lost my best friend forever. And sometimes I wake up and forget that hes gone and my heart breaks all over again. It’s so unbelievably hard, every single minute of the day, to carry on. The worst part at the moment is how everyone seems to be able to go back to normal, almost like nothing has happened. Reading your comments has helped. Logically, I know I’m not alone in these feeling, others have been through the same, but at the same time I’ve never felt so alone.

    • Liana,

      I am 29, and lost my fiance, and best friend 4 weeks ago today. We had been together for 2.5 years and engaged for only 3 weeks before her passing. Like you, i spent the first couple of weeks on auto pilot trying to figure out my life. Between planning the funeral, burying her, moving out of my house and into a 585 sq ft apartment, I thought there was something wrong with me because i wasnt crying. Here and there but not like i thought i should have. I returned to work 2 weeks ago. The pain and realness of the situation has finally set in. I have not stopped crying since. I do not want to live any more. I do not want to talk to people. I do not want to eat, sleep, or shit. My life is completely fucked up. We had a nest together. Ready to get hitched and start a family. within an hour all of that as ripped out from underneath of me. Life is fragile. Some people live for 100 years while other pass at 29 or even younger. I find solace thinking there is a higher power that needed her for something else, however i am not usually of that type. Good luck on your journey, as i am now calling it.

  47. I lost my partner Gordon nearly 10 months ago when our son was only 2 months old to a motorcycle accident.

    We had been together for nearly 4 years before he died. He was my best friend, my rock, the love of my life. He was the most stubborn man I have ever met in my life but he was mine.

    I remember 2 weeks prior to his death, a thought crossing my mind, ‘ what will I do, should I get a call that he had died in an accident ‘ I shrugged off the thought and didn’t say anything to him.

    The morning of his death, he lingered in bed longer, spending more time with us before getting ready to leave for work. I remember telling him to be safe and that I love him. Under an hour later I received a text from his cellphone telling me that he had been in an accident and I need to call the number of the person responding to my text from his phone.

    My whole world just fell apart in an instant, realizing my son would not grow up knowing his father, that I will be alone through all of this.
    I’ve had the best support since that day, sometimes I still wish I could see him again, or hear him say that he loves me. And watch him playing with our son, making him laugh as he would have.

    I feel terribly lost and alone yet I have to push through for the sake of my son. I’m really glad I stumbled across this article, I feel so much less alone reading all of your stories.

    I am truly sorry for all of your losses

    • I’m truly saddened for your loss and others who have shared their posts. My husband of nearly 30 years due to complications of surgery related to esophageal cancer. I miss him so much and I cry so pitiful often, even as I write this post. I’m tired of crying and discussing it. My life has been very complicated and I’m not sure how to go about my loss. He was such an outstanding man and was always putting the needs of others first-hand. He made a big deal about all my accomplishments big or small. He was faithful and hard-working. His birthday is September 9 and mine September 11. We we’re together in my 20s, 30s, 40s, and early 50s. I’m not angry about that fact that he passed, but by him passing it thrusted me to move forward with my life and the transition is quite difficult. If we were separated or divorced, perhaps we could have rekindled our relationship. Since he’s deceased I have no option, but to move forward whether I want to or not. The choice has been decided for me. I don’t hold back my tears, whatever I’m doing or wherever I am , it the wave of grief coves upon me suddenly I flow with it without apology or explanation. I will overcome by the help of the Lord moment by moment.

  48. I lost my best friend, confidant, partner in crime, woman I love and soulmate on July 22 from complications from the heart failure she lived with all her life. I know that Sheri would not want me to grieve and mourn forever but she would want me to keep living and keep to my routine as best I can. This is also the first time I’ve lost someone extremely close to me. Sure I’ve had relatives pass away but I hadn’t seen them in years. I’m trying so hard to keep to my routines of working, going to the gym and playing hockey, just like she wanted me to do, but without Sheri around, I just feel so lost. The only problem is ever since grade school, I’ve always had a female companion right by my side. I’m not saying I’m ready to date again, I just want someone who would be there for me and give a damn, just like Sheri did. I know it’s not gonna happen overnight, but eventually. I also know I have a strong support system from my and Sheri’s family as well as work and my hockey team, it’s just the loneliness of not having Sheri here is just very difficult to bear.

  49. Good morning,
    My name is Gus from NYC. I just lost my wife just last week to breast cancer., She was 39. We were just married for 2 and a half years and been together for five years. I have no words to express the feelings going inside me. The words other people offer to be strong and that it will pass don’t help. How can I be strong when my Rick has passed away. She was the bravest and strongest person I know. She was a warrior for the four years she battled this horrible disease. I really don’t know when I will be good again. It may be months it years. Just feel so lost and alone without my love.

    • Hey Gus try and keep your head up big dawg!!!
      My girlfriend of 2 years even tho we known each other since 5th grade passed away January 16th 2019 she was 34weeks pregnant and died 30 min right after we said good nite. she passed away due to a seizure from her blood pressure being to high…
      I miss my Baybee and My first unborn son sooo much…
      even tho I resorted to slamming heroin every day it keeps me numb I know its wrong but in reality I’m just trying to catch up to them…. shiiit I’m lost too. your not alone!!!

  50. I lost my husband in March from brain and lung cancer a month after diagnosis, now all I do is try to make sense of my overwhelming emotions. It was one emotion at a time, but it is all at once now and a terribly hopeless feeling. I look forward to going to sleep and dread waking up. I am now avoiding speaking to anyone, tired of pretending I am ok. Hearing the same old cliche. Tired of the emotional roller coaster. I am disabled and he was my rock, my best friend, he loved me regardless. Today is my birthday and I dreaded this day. I never want to hear the phrase that life goes on again, it doesn’t, life stopped, existing goes on. The anger, loneliness, fear, sadness goes on. When does it get better? I can’t even imagine it getting better. I lost my identity and feel just plain lost. The anger scares me, I have never felt this before. I am not even sure I am even commenting here about this, it goes with everything else I have done lately, grasping at straws to feel just a tiny bit normal. I had faith, that is disappearing also. I think people that lose a spouse are reminders that it can happen to anyone and avoided. I know the question of when does it get better can’t be answered, I just wish it could be, it seems unbearable all the same, I am just drained.

    • I’m so sorry for your loss and everyone else too my heart is shattered my soulmate of seventeen years fell asleep in my arms October gone aged 39 im utterly truamatised witnesing it all happen in front of my eyes we had our future mapped out dreams and hopes to grow old together everything my life has been blown apart taken away so cruelly and tragically every day is getting worse he was my protector my reason for getting up in the morning it’s destroying mentally and physically

  51. I’m not ok just a picture of us sets me off in tears it’s been years I dont know what to do how do i let go of the death of my first love like why me why would god put me through this why am i still mad years past I want help I need help I didnt want help then but I didnt know it would feel like this now… how do I let go how do I move on what do I do I cant be me still loving someone dead please help me please I look for it in other people or in the bottom of a bowl or glass but at the end of the day I still cry i feel l make progress but then i fail i dont know what to do i am my own person not my past but my past still lights me up I was a good person but now I dont know I tried god but it was a bandaid I need I crave stability but I’m in college and that just dont happened I just dont know I ask again but I cant let people hear me I need help I’m scared if they know the pain I feel they may think I’ve lost it but it’s me I cant change hes gone 6ft under I lost him why not me why not both us live why not both us be gone my feelings are pouring out I cant stop my fingers from typing this is me but isnt its flowing on to the keyboard my pain is so real but when I sober up it will be masked and hidden again I lost him and now I am gay i cant love another guy the same way is this a game god why me why me i hate the anger i feel i want it to be gone i cant do that i try so hard to move on and be good I can’t I cant I wish I could I need help please god send me help soon please I’m beg each tear that falls is another plead for help he was my world I was my best I had it planned our life was great in my head then he was gone like I blinked I watched him die why me why my heart did I deserve this did I deserve all of this why am I alive why spare me he was better my better half why not him my l9ve my l3ve (inside joke between us) of my life can I have a new life does god hate me my mom doesn’t like me dating girls but god took my man this isnt fair but life never is he loved me it was real i felt it it was there i couldn’t have been happier than i blinked bam it’s gone why me ….

    • Katelyn,

      I just read your post and I fully understand what you’re going through. I lost my wife, and the years that have passed, have barely lessened the blow. She was everything to me. We did everything together. Being with her was the best 10 years of my life. I know people think I’m crazy when I go shopping and suddenly tears run down my cheeks. If there is a God, how could he do this to someone? She was a very good person. She always did anything for anyone, but died a horrible death. I watched her body burn down to a skeleton, in front of me, but couldn’t get within 50 feet of her, because the heat was too intense. I knew it was too late anyway, but I still made the attempt. I got home from work, sensing something was very wrong when she wouldn’t answer her phone. She had a car accident in a neighbor’s yard and her van caught on fire. Since then, I’ve been unable to meet anyone who understands what I go through every day. The fireman were making jokes about her while I was standing beside them. If I hadn’t been in such shock, I would’ve punched them. It’s easy to say how you would react to sometging like that, but when it actually happens to you, it’s not what you expected. I couldn’t believe the nightmare in front of me, was actually happening. I dreaded going to sleep without her beside me. Then I dreaded the mornings even more, waking up, thinking it was a bad dream, only to realize it actually happened. I would love to talk to you, because I really need someone who understands.

  52. I lost my wonderful wife, Cindy, the “Love-of-My-Life,” on April 4, 2019 to a very aggressive cancer, and am devastated, I can’t imagine life without her. We were married 26 years. We didn’t meet until we were 41, and our love story is a bit unusual. We were both Crafters, I made wooden “country” things and she was a ceramic tile artist. We had both been accepted to the 1985 Anaheim Harvest Festival. It was my second Harvest Festival and her first. On set-up day I had gotten to the Convention Center early and had my booth pretty well assembled and was working on pricing and hanging my products up. I had a wonderful location: a corner booth right in the middle of the hall. I caught movement out of the corner of my eye and turned to see “Just about the finest looking woman I had ever seen” walk past my booth, intent on finding her own booth location. A few minutes later she came back and walked over to me and introduced herself. I still to this day don’t know why. She told me several years later that she liked my booth design and my work and thought I looked like an “old pro” who knew what he was doing and decided to pick my brain since it was her first show in this venue. We talked for a few minutes and she left to get her booth set up. A little while later she came and asked if I had a hammer she could borrow and I did. She brought it back a bit later and we talked some more. She came back asking questions several times that day. There was definitely electricity in the air, and chemistry: pheromones, endorphins, hormones oozing out of us both. I fell in love with her. I couldn’t help it. And it just couldn’t be… I was married, and had two young children at home. I couldn’t allow myself to feel like that. I stuffed my feelings somewhere in my brain.
    The next day first thing in the morning just before the show opened she came and told me that she had someone helping her in her booth and since I was alone offered to come by once in a while and watch my booth so I could have a break. She charmed the daylights out of me. Every day she continued, insisting I needed to get out of my booth and she even made sure I had something to eat, that I would get low blood sugar if I didn’t. At the end of the show I thanked her for all her help and we said our goodbyes. I didn’t know if I’d ever see her again. When I got home I called the Harvest Festival office and inquired about any cancellations at any of their other shows and got a space at the Pomona show. Got to Pomona and learned Cindy was there too. She was setting her booth up and told me she had double-booked that weekend and wouldn’t be working the show herself, but had a couple of teacher friends that were going to be working her booth for her. I had booked myself a room at a motel near Pomona and went there and checked in after setting up. I saw
    Cindy in the parking lot of the motel and she told me she had booked her friends a room there too. She told me that they were going to have dinner at the motel’s coffee shop and asked me if I would like to join them, I told her I’d be delighted to accompany them. I don’t remember a thing about her friends, all my attention was on her. She gave them orders to “take care of Mike.” To make sure I had breaks several times a day and something to eat, and they did. She was still taking care of me although she wasn’t there. At show’s end as we were tearing down I told her how much I appreciated her friendship and hoped I’d see her again next year.
    I don’t remember which show I first found her at the second year, but she continued with giving me breaks, just as before. I didn’t understand why. I just thought she was being nice to a friend. For some reason I hadn’t told her I was married, and when it came up I could tell she was disappointed, but it didn’t stop her behavior. She kept taking care of me. I most remember the Long Beach show that year. Because of limited parking you had to tear your booth down and stack it in your space and go get a parking permit so you could park and load it. By coincidence, we ended up parked next to each other, loading our respective vehicles. Her mother was with her and as we were saying goodbye, I got really brave and asked Cindy for a big hug (I really wanted to kiss her). She gave me a wonderful hug and told me later when we were courting that she had always remembered that hug I conned her out of because she was looking over my shoulder at a beautiful harvest moon hanging right over the Queen Mary which is anchored in the harbor. The 450 mile drive home was one of the longest in my life.
    When I got home I was told I had to find a real job, no more shows. In late 1989 my then wife told me that after Christmas i had to move out. January 1 I moved into a rental that we owned. I had thought about Cindy many, many times over the intervening years wondering what she was doing. I had kept her business card for some reason, and she had told me what the date of her birthday was, and I resolved to send her a birthday card. But being the Big Chicken that I am, I waited until the following year to call her. I was scared half to death i would be rejected, but finally in early May of 1991 I found enough courage to make the phone call… her birthday was in late May and I had to do it if I was going to use the excuse of sending her a birthday card. She answered the phone and I told her who I was and asked her if she remembered me, and she replied that she did. I was practically tongue-tied and I remember blurting out that I was going through a divorce and just wanted to see how she was and what she was doing. She sensed my nervousness and took over the conversation and guided it along. She told me that she was in bed with the flu, but she was happy to hear from me. At some point she asked for my phone number and when we hung up I dashed out and bought the prettiest get-well card I could find and wrote something in it and mailed it that night. She wrote back thanking me for the card and telling me that she wasn’t going to let me off the hook for the promised birthday card.
    Well I found the most beautiful birthday card I could and sent it, also resolving to send her some flowers for her birthday. I had intended to just send a nice big mixed bouquet, but when I got to the florist’s I lost my mind and decided to send her a dozen red roses instead. That evening she called to thank me for the roses and told me when the florist drove down the driveway to deliver them she was standing in the middle of the dumpster jumping up and down to try and make room for the stuff she was throwing out of her studio to make more work space. We had a good laugh.
    A little more than a week later I found the most gorgeous box of oatmeal cookies on my doorstep. She let me think she had baked them for a couple of weeks, but then confessed she had bought them from a specialty bakery. A couple of weeks later she called and told me that she had just been accepted to the Gilroy Garlic Festival… wasn’t that somewhere up near me? She asked if I had the time maybe I could come down to the show and we could see each other, but if it didn’t work out… Of course, wild horses couldn’t have kept me out of Gilroy that weekend. I showed up in front of her booth the first thing the first day of the show. She was busy, there was quite a line in front of her booth. I got inside, and she had her mother, her older sister and two of her sister’s grandchildren with her, and nobody knew what they were doing. I looked at her and said “hi.” She replied “hi.” Then I asked her “would you like some help?” A minute later I was sitting next to her taking cash and writing credit card slips while she wrapped and bagged tiles. This continued non-stop for about 4 hours when we finally got a chance to get out of the booth and see the rest of the show and talk. I helped in the booth all three days and because it was an environment I was comfortable in I was much less nervous than I thought I’d be. At the end of the show I had to take the shuttle to the parking lot and Cindy was waiting with me. I finally got up the nerve to ask her for a kiss, and she told me that she didn’t really approve of public displays of affection and I told her that I didn’t either, but I still wanted a kiss so she made an exception. That was the sweetest kiss I ever had. I asked her if that meant I could call her my girlfriend and she said “Yes.” I was on cloud nine as I drove home.
    A couple of weeks later she called and told me she had called the Harvest Festival office and asked if there were any spots available in any other shows and they gave her one in the Ventura show. She told me she was going to have to do the show by herself and wondered if I might be able to go down there and help her. I had plenty of vacation time coming and made arrangements to take the time off. She picked me up at LAX and asked if I would drive. Not being familiar with the airport, I ended up going around two or three times before I found the proper exit to get on the 405. She had a cute sense of humor and said that with the booth and everything stuffed in her Vanagon, we probably looked like Ma and Pa Kettle Lost in the Airport!
    We finally got to Ventura and got the booth put together and started to hang tiles on the walls. It was getting to be the middle of the afternoon and Cindy suggested we take a break and check-in to the hotel. I agreed. We could finish the booth that evening if we needed. She checked us in and we went up to the room. I had been wondering all this time what to expect and had no clue. I figured it was probably a room with two queen-size beds… Cindy opened the door and there was a gigantic king-size bed in the middle of the room. I know I hesitated and my jaw practically hit the floor. She asked me if the room was OK, or did I want another room? I allowed as how it was fine, just not what I was expecting. That was the most wonderful weekend I have ever had.
    It was about a year-and-a-half later we got married, and while we had our ups and downs, there’s no question but that she was the “Love-of-My-Life.” A year-and-a-half ago I was diagnosed with stage IV prostate cancer and she thought she was going to lose me, It’s now in remission and I lost her instead. I miss her more than words can say. I just want to be with her. Taking care of her became my life over the last five years, and with her gone life has no meaning. I’m not a “believer,” but I hope I’m wrong. I’d like to be with her again.

    • I read your story. I lost my husband last year after 35 years of marriage. His death was unexpected but also expected just not then. I hate being alone and miss him so deeply. I have felt the same as you, not really wanting to be on this earth anymore. Anyhow I hope you start to feel better from your loss as everyday I wake up I try so hard to feel like I want to live and be happy but that light hasn’t turned on yet. Good luck in your healing from your loss.




  56. My husband passed away April 24,2019 at 6:58pm.. He was the most precious man, this August would have been 26 yrs of marriage. We have 5 kids 4 grand kids he was 56 years old and diabetes has taken him away. I buried him on Friday and took his place walking our youngest child down the aisle the next day. It was the grace of God that Got us through that week. I have never been so lost in my life all I do is cry and I feel like I’m failing my children because they have also lost the love of their life, he was a wonderful father and grandfather and the world is turned upside down. I don’t know how to move forward. I don’t know I have to be there for them when all I want to do is bury myself. I lost my father a little over a year before my husband died and I thought that was just the worst thing ever but losing your partner best friend love of your life there’s just nothing that compares to that pain and emptiness. I know in time things will get better but right now that feels like an eternity away.

    • Tina, I am so sorry for your terrible loss. My husband died at 66 on April 28, suddenly, of a heart attack. We would have been married 40 years in August. I know how you are feeling. This post felt really spot on to me and helped me see what I am going through is normal. Hope it helped you, too. I think we just have to experience the grief one day at a time. No other choice.

    • Tina, my Fiance Amber passed away on june 1st after leaving my house instead of staying like normal. She died alone in the middle of the night because i was not there to save her. My world is also upside down. We had her funeral on our wedding day she was wearing her wedding dress i dont know why im replying nothing will fix it or bring her back but thats hard to accept. I wish you the best

      • David, I’m so sorry for your loss. I also lost the love of my life because I wasn’t there to save him. We had a complicated relationship because of his drug use, and at the end, I hadn’t spoken to him in 4 days and he was there, alone, collapsed on the floor, he was overdosing on Xanax and cocaine, probably waiting for me to come through the door, and I was too late. My life ended that day. Besides addiction, he was the most loving, kind perfect man for me and I don’t know why God has done this to us. We were so much more than addiction…I don’t do drugs and my love actually got clean for a few years and he was wonderful but the noise of jealous exes (both exes couldn’t deal with fact that we were each other’s first loves at age 14 and 17, and now at 40 and 43 found each other again and fell completely for each other again…he must have told everyone we met our love story, it was a great one) and brainwashed kids putting him and me down from both sides, even though he was clean and engaged with his kids better than he ever had been when using. Now his grown children are very kind to me) I had family & friends giving me advice not to stay with him….. I wish I would have told all of them to “f” off and just left with him to get clean again. He was the true love of my life and I feel like I let us both down by using tough love and not sticking with him..I wasn’t there to save him. Addiction is so complicated and evil that it can make both the addicted and the person who is straight make decisions that now make me question why God did this, why am I even here, cause I don’t want to be, without him. I have never felt so alone and confused about where I’m going from here. And it’s been almost 3 years. I’m sorry for everyone posting here. You are definitely not alone

  57. it is really heartbreaking whenever we hear such type of things, it can make anyone cry. Life completely leaves the suffering one shattered. I hope god bless them all and they all live a stable life after getting separated from their loved partner

  58. it is a great relief to be able to read all of your posts; it makes me feel a bit less alone. my husband, best friend, and father of our 2 young girls (aged 5 & 2), passed away at the age of 28 after a 10 month battle with glioblastoma multiforme IV. we were married for 7 wonderful years, & it was my greatest wish for us to watch our children grow up together, & for us to grow old together. i wouldn’t let anyone else take care of him during our fight; i wanted to keep my vows, “in sickness & in health”. i was determined that my husband would not be taken from the comfort of the home we enjoyed so much together. i did the very best i could- i took him to daily chemoradiation therapy, ensured that his opptune device was properly taken care of, & administered a host of medications on a precise timetable. i tried my best to get him to eat, or at least drink, but it became increasingly difficult as the tumor grew & invaded his spinal column. in the end, i changed his diapers & gave him sponge baths in bed, carefully making sure to turn him & massage his skin. despite our best efforts, we could not beat the disease. the tumour stole my love on the morning of 2/11/19. i woke to him having a final seizure next to me in our bed. i think i may have ptsd, because i keep seeing him dying over & over again- blood coming from his nose & mouth, trying desperately to administer cpr, but all to no avail.. i couldn’t enter his office for several months. i avoid places that we loved to go together with our kids. it hurts to leave our home, but it hurts to stay too because this is where i feel the closest to him. i feel frozen in grief & time. i know i have to find a way to deal with this, & i do the best i can to maintain normality for my poor children, but inside there is the constant howling scream of “why?”

    • Stephanie, what a wonderful person you are. There is nothing to say to ease your grief. I hope you have people around you to help you through your pain. Life can be so unfair.

    • Stephanie this made me cry. I am so sorry. I just cannot imagine what you went through and the pain. I hope God can soften the pain a little. Just isn’t fair that some people have to go through so much.

  59. I really feel for each and everyone of you. I just lost my fiance on June 7th 2019. We had only been together since Feb 2019 but it felt like forever. It’s like we’ve known each other for so long. We had so many things in common. she treated me the best I’ve ever been treated, even though I was married for 10 years prior, I’ve never felt this way before. She showed me the kind of love ice always dreamed of. She had heart problems and she wasd getting her life back on track from the first day we met. She said she lived for me and wouldn’t be able to go on without me. Her parents said she has never been this way with anyone in get life that they know of. She had always stayed single and didn’t do relationships. She told me in the beginning that she didn’t say I Love you often nor was she a lovey dovey type of person. but she said I changed her quickly. She was the one saying I love you all the time and she wasd the one jumping on my lap when I got home from work hugging and kissing on me. She finally started taking care of her health abs taking her meds everyday. She was old fashioned abs said that since I was the one bringing home the bacon that she would be taking care of me. she wouldn’t even let me cook anything, that would lead to an argument. She got up at 4am to make me coffee and take me to work and would come see me on my 9am break, then bring me home cooked food at lunch, then pick me up after work. She did everything for me and I wasn’t used top that at all. I loved it so much, knowing there was true love out there. She was certainly my soulmate. She would jump on my lap everyday when I got home from work to hug and kiss me and she once day even fell asleep in my lap for two hours. It made me feel like I wad on top of the world. She knew how to cheer me up on my worst days. I bought her flowers weekly and she sold act like a kid at Christmas when she got them. She wad so grateful for everything I did for her, even the small shit. She made me feel the best I’ve ever felt in my life. But on her bday June 6 2019 she relapsed and died. I found her at 1250 am on June 7th and gave her cpr with no luck. EMS tied for 35min and said there was nothing more they could do. I literally thought about taking my own life and if I didn’t have kids, I would have. She was like a dream come true. She was what I considered, perfect for me!! We had just got engaged and just found out she was pregnant, as we were trying to have a baby before we got too old. Lol. I’ve always had crappy luck and anytime I get something good in life, it gets torn away. I know that I will never experience love like she gave me ever again. It was the most incredible feeling of my life. I’ve never been treated even half as good as she treated me and I know I never will. I love your and miss you pearl. You were the best thing that’s ever happened to me and I will never get to experience this type of love again!! It’s not possible cuz you made me feel like a completely different person in the best way ever. I will always live And cherish the way you treated me. RIP sweetheart

  60. Im 19, And I Know A Lot Of You Have Been With Your Partners Or Significant Others For A Bundle Of Years, And I Cant Begin To Imagine How It Would Feel If I Had Been With My Boyfriend For So Long And Lost Him, All Of You Are So Strong.. My Boyfriend, 19 Years Old, Passed Away On May 5th, 2019. He Was In A Motorcycle Accident, A Car Pulled Out In Front Of Him.. I May Not Have Been With Darien For 10 Or Twenty Years But The Time We Did Have Was Enough To Show Me What True Love Is.. He Is My SoulMate I Know It.. He Never Gave Up On Me And He Always Tried So Hard For Me.. He Was My First Boyfriend, My First Kiss, My First For Everything.. No One Is Ever Going To Compare To Him, And No One Is Going To Love Me Like He Did.. The Day That He Passed We Went To Church That Morning And The Pastor Told A Story About Someone He Knew Who Died In a Motorcycle Accident After Church… And That’s What Happened To My Boyfriend, I’m Trying So Hard To Comprehend How This Happened But I Just Cant.. I’m Not Sure When I’m going To Go to church Again or If I Ever Will Be Able To But I know I Need God In My life .. I Just Have To Find Him. I Have Never Felt This Type Of Pain Before And Im Sorry That All of You Have Had To Endure Something Of The Sort.. I just wish I knew the answers ..

    • I lost my significant other of 30 years 2 years ago July 3rd 2017 I’m still grieving I can’t believe hes gone but I know he is. I feel as though he might walk in my house at any minute. I see trucks like his and that reminds me of him every day. I have his pictures in every Room I even had a shower curtain made with his and I picture on it. I love my man Charles so much and I know he loved me, but he wouldn’t let me help him. he never told me about his illness until the end. even though I knew he had cancer but He said he beat it and then he said stage 4 cancer of the liver 4 day before he died. I will never ever understand why he left me. I need someone I’m lonely all the time I think of him everyday I hate being around people with their significant others, husband’s or wives it hurts. I feel I will never get another partner. When he was here I never had to do anything to my car but put gas in it now I have to do everything take it to the shop see what’s wrong with it. pay to get it fixed.its just so hard. People always say it will get better but when is my better coming. I feel better when I go to the cemetery. I’m moved out of that state for months after he die because all I was doing was shutting myself off from people and I realize that. But I see myself doing it again always making an excuse not to go places. I’m 65 and can’t get another partner. Also the last conversation days in my head him telling me how much he loved me And wanted me to keep His building but I could do it. He died A-day before he was to sign it over to me. His lawyer told me he wanted me to have it and I feel good about that even though a judge appointed his children over his property. I need him Lord knows I do.

    • I lost my significant other of 30 years 2 years ago July 3rd 2017 I’m still grieving I can’t believe hes gone but I know he is. I feel as though he might walk in my house at any minute. I see trucks like his and that reminds me of him every day. I have his pictures in every Room I even had a shower curtain made with his and I picture on it. I love my man Charles so much and I know he loved me, but he wouldn’t let me help him. he never told me about his illness until the end. even though I knew he had cancer but He said he beat it and then he said stage 4 cancer of the liver 4 day before he died. I will never ever understand why he left me. I need someone I’m lonely all the time I think of him everyday I hate being around people with their significant others, husband’s or wives it hurts. I feel I will never get another partner. When he was here I never had to do anything to my car but put gas in it now I have to do everything take it to the shop see what’s wrong with it. pay to get it fixed.its just so hard. People always say it will get better but when is my better coming. I feel better when I go to the cemetery. I’m moved out of that state for months after he die because all I was doing was shutting myself off from people and I realize that. But I see myself doing it again always making an excuse not to go places. I’m 65 and can’t get another partner. Also the last conversation days in my head him telling me how much he loved me And wanted me to keep His building but I could do it. He died A-day before he was to sign it over to me. His lawyer told me he wanted me to have it and I feel good about that even though a judge appointed his children over his property. I need him Lord knows I do. Hearing the words Charles is gone. In my mind everyday I think of words he would say to me, words I would say to him, conversations, things we did together. I miss everything about him and no one understands.
      I’m trying to post not reply sorry

  61. I lost my fiancé Bradley, at the age of 25 to cancer January 14, 2019. This words being typed out seems unreal to me. It took me some time to process everything and I thought I would be okay. I cry myself to sleep every night. I think about his love for everyone, and for the Lord and how much he made me a better person. Since I met him in High school when we were 17, he was my best friend and rock. There are days that I think I will want to get out there and meet a new person, then I think will there ever be anyone like him as caring, and lovely as he was. He dealt a very tough, diligent, and difficult battle and his organs and body had enough. I know he is watching me from up there. I miss you dearly and love you buddy 💗

  62. Buck please don’t give up. I too lost my wife at 38 but we still have a purpose. It has been 3 years for me but at times seems like yesterday. I feel and have felt exactly what you are. Please stay strong and know you are not alone in this. I hope you trust in God He is the only one I do and keeping close to Him I know I’ll be together with her again but as for now I will fulfill my time here as I hope you do too. This life is gone very quick

  63. “She did not make it.” Those are the terrible words that changed my life on April 3, 2019.
    My beloved wife of 30 years, Linda, died while having lunch with friends. She had a massive heart attack
    and is said to have died instantly. Supposedly in perfect health. Only 63 years old.
    We had been together 34 years and married for 30 years.
    Linda showed me how to love, live, be a parent,
    and in general be a better person.
    We did everything together. Everything I had ever achieved or accomplished was a result of her guidance, support and unwavering love.
    A little over a year ago, some other terrible
    words….It is cancer, Stage 4, Terminal. But that diagnosis was directed at me.
    Linda became my care giver as well and showed me how to be strong and beat cancer.
    Like others here have said she was my best friend, my advocate, yes my everything.
    This past week I was told my cancer was in remission
    but there was no joy in the message, as I sat alone with the doctor, Linda was gone,
    I cry each morning, I cry each nite, and most all the time in between.
    I certainly can’t see a future because the past won’t
    let me go.
    I miss her so much, it hurts and hurts and hurts.

    • Tom,

      My husband of 33 years past on May 26 I am just six weeks in and the pain is so deep. I have never had any emotions like this before depression, anxiety, fear, loneliness. I am overwhelmed with all the things that I now need to take care of in addition to trying to Integrate back into work on some level. I spent all of my time with my husband to the exclusion of others so I feel like going back to work even part time to be around people is my best option for right now even though I don’t have much energy or desire to do so. Quite frankly I just don’t want to live in a world without him but I am taking it one day at a time.

      Has anything gotten better for you since your wife passed away in April ?

      • Cathy, it’s been 10 weeks since my husband if almost 40 years died unexpectedly. I am back at my part time job and it helps. Also moved my son’s family into my home which thank God has brought real comfort. Do anything you feel will be good for you. The intense pain of the early weeks will lessen and you will feel that you will be OK again some day.

  64. My fiance died on May 3rd. We have been together since we were 18 and he was only 28. We have a 2 year old daughter that just turned 3 the end of May. It was an unexpected loss and it was so fast. We went to the hospital on April 30th for stomach pain and that same night he was in the ICU and the put on life support. The next day they were telling me he wasn’t going to make it. He suffered from acute pancreatitis and it ruptured and poisoned his body. His kidneys went first and then his liver, and lungs. He had an infection in his heart and by Friday afternoon he was brain dead. It was like a tornado that ripped through leaving him and our life in pieces. Leaving me here left with a shell of what our life once was. He was the primary care taker for our daughter since he was a stay at home dad. It’s crazy and still unbelievable. It doesn’t feel real yet, and I don’t know when it will but this is by far the hardest thing I’ve ever dealt with, and to be thrown into being a single parent is insane. We were supposed to be married June 22nd, but instead I buried him May 22nd. It’s hard to even fathom moving on one day. I am really sad for my daughter for not having her dad and being so young she is going to forget him, there is so much pressure to make sure that she doesn’t and even now that it has only been a month she is asking for him less but when she does she is begging me to take her to her daddy. My heart literally feels like it’s a gaping hole in my chest. I just hope it gets easier with time like everyone keeps saying. But man I miss everything about him.

    • Malia, I hope and pray you find the peace for you and your daughter. My wife passed 3 years ago at 38, as I lay here crying I miss her and the pain my two stepsons are dealing with. I came into their lives when the youngest was 5 and he’s now 21. You will always have moments as I am late one night so I found this site and read the stories of others, it helps that you know you’re not alone in this. Don’t give up on God , you are still here and He has purpose for you. Know that this life is but a short time and we will be reunited with our loved ones again. Hold onto that, I have and it does help

  65. My husband died 05/06/19. Our 20th anniversary would have been in August. He was riding an ATV in the mountains with a friend. The mountains were his happy place. He had a massive heart attack. Died instantly. He was only 51 and in seemingly good health. I was given the news by a police chaplain late that night.
    I feel empty. We met on a blind date and knew instantly that we were meant to be together. I was his 3rd consecutive Jennifer. He believed that he had been looking for me… We had a magical relationship; perfect in every way.
    3 weeks before his death, I was in a terrible car accident. I could have died but survived with a broken sternum, 4 broken ribs and some internal swelling. I am still not healed from that. He took such good care of me those last few weeks, caring for me like I was a child, helping me in and out of slumber and in and out of the shower, drying me tenderly. My head rested so comfortably in the crook of his neck and I breathed as deeply as I could, so relaxed there, so safe. There will never be another man strong, secure and sensitive enough for me.
    A part of me wished I had died but I would not wish the loss of me on him. I am sad.. so broken hearted.. so alone.. but he is free. I am lost and so afraid that I will never be found again. I miss him so much.

    • Hello I’m praying for you. I found this site just now searching for help. My boyfriend was the best, so I feel your pain. He died a day after your love a massive heart attack as well. We will get through this it hurt my heart to see someone going through what I’m going through. He was only 32 and last behind 2 kids.

  66. I watched my husband\best friend die from a PE on 1/26/2018, I can tell you that time-being busy-working-friends-dogs-and therapy have not changed the reality of what I experienced that day. I saw our life and future taken from us. My perspective changed when I saw that and I realize how temporary this time on earth is.
    He used to talk about sitting in our garden holding hands enjoying it when we got old.
    Now I know that I will be in that garden alone. I will need to plant, weed , and water that garden without his help, advise, praise, or company.
    I thank God for the time that I had with him, I amazed that I still even plan for a garden.

  67. It’s reassuring to know that I’m not the only one up all night staring at the clock. A million different things going through my mind. Single parent, provider, can I do this without him? I lost my best friend, my soulmate, my everything, Michael, 11 months ago and there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think of him and how angry I am that he left me and my 2 boys. He chose drugs over us. Started dating when I was 18. Engaged at 21. Married at 22yrs old for 23 years. I try to not get angry and just say it wasn’t him anymore, he wasn’t in the right frame of mind. But then I just think about it and get angry all over again because I feel so betrayed and lied to. After him always putting me first I was no longer the first in line. Tried everything but he wouldn’t give it up. I will now always feel like second bc I lost him to it. Aside from being so torn with my emotions, I miss him so damn much!!! I want him back!!!! My life now feels like something I never felt before. I’ve talked to Michael almost everyday since I was 10yrs old. (That’s when I met him). 35 years he’s been there whenever I needed him. No matter what I needed him for. He was ALWAYS there for me. I feel so lost and empty. The worst is that I’m the one who found him when he died and performed CPR but it was too late. So add guilt to my emotions now. Guilt that if I walked in an hour earlier I could have saved him. I’m just walking through this life now in a complete haze. My love is in a box, 6 feet under. I want him back!!! The man I knew before the drugs though. That’s the guy I want back…every single day!!!!!

    • I am so very very sorry for your loss Penny. I too, lost my husband April 2018. It has been over a year and still I am telling myself it isn’t real. That Mike will come back. I want to be with him so bad. We were married 39 years. He was my soulmate, my best friend, my go to person for support, always there for me. I ask God everyday why did he take Mike from me? I can’t make myself believe it really happened. I feel like nothing of a person. So empty, missing him so badly. He was such a good man to me. We married when my son was 4 years old. Mike took up the job of child raising without pause. We were never to have children of our own. It may sound crazy, but I only live to take care of our 4 cats, and also to not cause sadness for my son. Other than that, I have no joy or any place on this earth for happiness. Drs. have me on so many anti-depressants, I feel overwhelmed with medication. Mike was everything to me; I would have died for him. And wish I had. I miss everything about him. I have no words on how to live after the death of someone you love deeply. Maybe someday I will. I am so sorry you are going through this, so sad for you. I hope you find comfort in your own way. Bless you.

      • Katherine,

        Your post caught my attention I am feeling many of the things that you are I lost my husband May 26 of this year after being with him for 33 years no children no pets. I have never had any of the feelings I’m having now depression anxiety severe loneliness and fear I am seeing a therapist who is not that great and wants me to go on antidepressants but I’ve heard too many negative things. Has anything gotten better for you any insights you can give me ?

  68. I lost the absolute love of my life on the 25th of January at 10.25 am. She battled so hard against her cancer. I just can’t get over why she had to suffer so badly and why at 43 she had to go. These things particularly are seemingly insurmountable sorrows.

    She taught me about unconditional love between a man an woman. She just chuckled at my eccentricities and loved me. She never raised her voice to me ever. I would be with her for eternity if I could choose. Omg, it seems impossible to live without the best half of my soul gone.

    • Wow read ur post and I’m going through the same thing so sad my late husband just turned 43 when he passed ur story seems like mine

    • My wife of 38 years died all of the sudden without me her to hold her hand or say goodbye. I was away to help an elderly parent and came home and found her. You are the only one who has said that you lost half of your soul and I know exactly what you mean. The will to go on is gone. All I can hope for is death to come as soon as possible. There is no reason to keep going.

      • Going through a lot of the same things as you. My partner of 41 years suffered with cancer for 21 years. She lost her ability to speak , had a feeding tube , was on oxygen & never complained. When she died I died too. Her family hasn’t spoken to me since the funeral. I did everything for my partner & they only came around on her last days. She was loved by many & missed by many. My heart is broken, I don’t have the interest in staying here anymore. I did promise her I won’t take my life, but my heart is broken & I am so lonely. I feel like I’m trapped somewhere and can’t find my way… I go to the cemetery every day, write in a journal, I’ve been to grief counseling, it doesn’t matter…

      • Recently , without warning, my whole life has been shattered. On July 23 2019 he pulled out of our driveway ( on a mo-ped , he engineered himself by attaching a weed eater motor to a child’s stand up footing scooter) & into oncoming traffic. The girl who hit him (coincidently a long time friend ) said he didn’t even try slowing to stop. Pulled right into her path & there wasn’t anything she could do. It happened so fast.
        He was only 34 , my best friend , true love , my teamate, soulmate and the father of our beautiful baby girl . Only days after her 2nd Birthday. I was at work @ a gas station in a nearby community when I got the call . Located 13..7 miles from our home .
        I couldn’t get there fast enough.
        At maximum speed ,I screamed & cried begging God not to take him from me. Highway 61 south , already Reduced to one lane was backed up bumper to bumper for miles . I was stuck in traffic.. Somewhere close to 2 miles from home @ a stand still. I parked my car & preceeded to continue on foot. Still pleading w/ God. By the time I made it , out of breath , drenched in tears & sweat .
        Police officers were busy reinacting the incident. He was in an ambulance on his way to the hospital. No one knew the current state of his condition, or so they told me . When I finally arrived @ the hospital he was already gone.
        I was told he sustained massive amounts of trauma , & had already been pronounced dead . . His injuries so severe,that had he survived it wouldn’t have been a good life for him.
        The news Left me, our children & the rest of his family devastated. The next days after are a blur. I kept hoping I’d soon awake to find it was all just a really bad dream.

        He was the cross to my t’s & dot to my i’s. He completed me. I have never experienced the loss of someone so important in my life. I’d also never loved anyone the way I love him. Its so painful. We did everything together.
        He wasn’t the perfect man by far. Dont get me wrong..we had pur differences. Looking back, I regret all the precious time, we wasted bickering over nonsense. Aside from that, the thing is… I enjoyed being w/ Justin. He made me happy. He was an amazing stepfather to my 2 other girls. He worked very hard. He was a man’s man w/ rough hands *& holes in his Jean’s.. He could fix /build anything. Such an attractive & charming guy.
        We shared the same love for all types of music. And loved being outside, thrift stores & spending time with our kids. He was thoughtful , polite & not a day passed that he didnt tell me I was beautiful & that he loved me . He made me things ,& pick up gifts for all of us for no reason. I knew immediately when I met him. He was the one my heart so desired & I never wanted to live a day without him . We made an amazing team. Not to sound arrogant , but we were just a beautiful , dynamic couple ! He helped w/ the kids. Housework, homework you name it..
        Immedeately upon him moving in with us came hardships & tough times. It seemed like anything & everything that could prevent us from being together successfully was happening. .Several tools , 2 trailers & lots of other necessary equipment for his vfx type of work were stolen, leaving us broke w/ no resources to make a living . I was pregnant. Due to the above circumstances , we were forced to find new living arrangements immediately.
        We worked together , he worked very, Very hard preparing our mobile home to be moved .
        People said it couldn’t be done on such little budget & within such a small time frame..
        We did it !
        We Relocated , & now occupy about an acre of land behind my parents house @ the very back of their property .
        We lived almost 2 summers w/ out electricity or running water. It was tough but we did it. Its true, you dont understand the value of these every day luxuries like water, until you have carried every drop.
        During this time either of us could have went to stay w/ family & had these important daily needs restored . However, that meant leaving his side. There was just too many of us , our blended family was too large , to ask some one to put us all up . Neither of us could bare the thought of spending even just one night apart.
        His family, I believe would have tried to take us all in. They lived in Illinois, we in Missouri I couldn’t take my kids out of state due to court ordered visitin & shared custody with their father . Knowing that I would never leave my girls he didnt ever once even ask me to.
        Although impossible to put in words. I’ll never forget how it felt , laying in his arms.. When he held me every worry, ill thought, bad day, all just went away. When id snuggle up to him , my head on his chest , the 2 of us entertwined so comfortably, it was a perfect fit. This was where I belonged. I’m lost without him. He took care of so much in & around our home. Its not the same here without him. I’ve never wanted something so badly. To feel him, smell him, hold him touch him, hear his voice again. I so long for these things . If only I’d known our days were numbered. If only I… what was he doing ?, where was he going.? He was supposed to be coming to see me @ work… I’m driving myself crazy with these thoughts constantly racing in my head. I miss him terribly. Our baby girl ..His other children need him , my girls , his parents & grandparents. . I just keep waiting for him to come home. I look for him in crowds , @ stores & every night in my dreams. Until we meet again my body & soul will remain incomplete.

  69. My partner , best friend and soul mate took his own life om March 17. He died alone,. We were forced due to financial pressure of him not having a job and estranged wife of 2 years not agreeing to a settlement , to vacate a lease. We were living separately for a week before he died in temporary places. He seemed upbeat, we had rowed but were fixing things and were on good terms and still together . I am devastated. His estranged wife has taken revenge – claimed half our deposit, taken all our joint possessions. She stopped me seeing his body. She has airbrushed his life – the funeral was a joke of pretence. She ruined a tribute organising my his running friends . She is hounding me even now – not content that the pressure she put him under contributed to this. He had being drinking heavily for a while. i tried to help him.
    I cannot and don’t want to continue without the man I wish I met 20 years ago and was to spend the next 20 with. We were a great team – at everything. We were so insanely in love. he wanted the pretence of his marriage over – he said i made him realise what real love was – and he did same for me. We were robbed of our future. I gave him years he wouldnt have had as all his friends said how he should never have married the ex. She is proving what he always said she was . And wont stop till I go the same way.
    I dont know how I am meant to feel. Emptiness is all consuming. Will this pain ever stop? I wake up every day and want him to be there. Its so so dark. This is what they mean by love hurts.

    • Suzanne

      Your post is hitting where it hurts most I’m wearing the same shoes as you my boyfriend took his life last week Tuesday 2019/07/09 the estranged ex wife to be and her ex husband were with him in the house, we promised to love each other till death and even after death we will continue to, ooh!! How I wish I can turn back the time we are true love birds I don’t know how to cope friends and family thanked me that at least he died a happy man because of me, however I feel so lost without him for the first time someone loved me the way I wanna be loved and I love him back just as much it was our 7th month but it felt like a lifetime 😭

  70. On April 6th 2019 my beautiful husband came into my office and told me that he was going to take a ride on his motorcycle it was early in the afternoon and the weather was nice I barely paid attention I was in work mode we kissed I said see you in a little bit love you and he never came home and to say that I’m crushed just doesn’t seem like enough I’m destroyed we met when we were 15 in high school we had a brief little love affair at 17. We ended up marrying other people and divorcing those people 20 years later we got back together in 2008. We were engaged for five years we were waiting for our children to be old enough that they wouldn’t have to go through the whole step kids thing we got married in 2012 and we’ve always had like a Nicholas Sparks movie, romance the kind that everybody was jealous of and now I can’t breathe I’m so lonely I had to move I couldn’t stay in my house because I could see him everywhere so I just had to move away from the house that we built together and I’m just torn up every day and I just wish that I could go too I don’t want to be here and I can’t tell anybody that they’re all telling me how strong I am you’re the strongest person I know you’re going to make it through this and what they don’t understand is I don’t want to I don’t know how people do this I just don’t know I’m struggling just to be alive I don’t have any real for it I’m going to start Counseling on Monday I just can’t imagine it’s going to help me but I’m gonna try it we just had so many plans and we always did stuff together I talk to him on the way to work I’ll talk to him on the way home from work and now I just wake up and there’s nothing there’s nothing funerals over everybody’s going back to their lives because they have to I can’t stand to be in public I can’t stand to see couples touching each other or holding hands.

    • Hi Kristy,
      Your post hit home for me. Me and my fiancé dated briefly at 20 and separated and reconnected years later. We had that Nicholas Sparks relationship too. He made me so happy. Spoiled me rotten. Now he’s gone and my world is so empty. I don’t want to be here anymore either. If it wasn’t for my kids and my belief in God, I wouldn’t be. I just can’t imagine the REST of my life (that could be 40 years!) without him. I miss EVERYTHING. The pain and emptiness never leaves. I hate my life now. I keep reading how grief never goes away, you just get more used to it. What kind of life is that? I’m so heartbroken and I’m so sorry you are too…

    • Hi Kristy,
      Your post hit home for me. Me and my fiancé dated briefly at 20 and separated and reconnected years later. We had that Nicholas Sparks relationship too. He made me so happy. Spoiled me rotten. Now he’s gone and my world is so empty. I don’t want to be here anymore either. If it wasn’t for my kids and my belief in God, I wouldn’t be. I just can’t imagine the REST of my life (that could be 40 years!) without him. I miss EVERYTHING. The pain and emptiness never leaves. I hate my life now. I keep reading how grief never goes away, you just get more used to it. What kind of life is that? I’m so heartbroken and I’m so sorry you are too…

    • I feel exactly the same way. I lost my boyfriend and people tell me I’m strong and that they could not do what I am doing… but they don’t understand that I think he is so lucky to be dead, to not feel any pain anymore. I know it is possible to survive but I don’t think I will ever LIVE again and that is not a life that I want. Our love was one that everyone else strived for as well, our connection was electric and we were inseparable. I refuse to believe I will never hear his voice again.

  71. I lost my husband on March 11, 2019. He was 39 years old and suffered a massive heart attack after practicing basketball with his friends. He told them he was hurting in his chest but he was OK. He made it half way home before pulling over in a church parking lot and calling me to bring my 16 year old son and come pick him up. He wouldn’t tell me why but I could tell he sounded panicked so I immediately ran to car and out the driveway. When we arrived 8 minutes later he was unresponsive and not breathing. We tried CPR but ultimately he was already gone. Paramedics arrived and worked tirelessly to bring him back but it didn’t work. We were married for only 7 years and together for 9 but it was both our second marriage and we truly were soul mates. He was my everything all in one, my lover/ best friend/ co parent. Its been almost 6 weeks and I am so lost. I cry every day. I took 2 weeks off work but still haven’t been able to complete a whole week since being back. I sometimes think to myself that I’m not sure how I will survive this. The thoughts of living a life without him makes my stomach churn. I know I have to survive it, I have children to care for but at this point I don’t know how.

    • I lost my wife after a sudden rare heart infection , she was 40 yrs old . It’s been just over a yr , 23 surgeries & 4 months she suffered . We have a 11 yr old boy & we were married 7 yrs / together 14 yrs. I have my good days & bad , sleeping is never easy . I just can’t wrap my head around how she’s gone . She was healthy one min & Clinging to life the next . It’s not easy taking care of a Grieving child who is going thru early stages of puberty . We both miss his mother very much as she was the glue that kept us together. I just try to take it day by day & hopefully things will get better . Only time can heal a broken heart .

    • Hi Misty,
      I too understand the endless pain that you are going through. My husband died on April 24, 3019 from a heartache. He was only 40 years old. We were married on May 27, 2018, so I didn’t have a chance to enjoy a whole year…we never got the chance to go on on honeymoon.
      My husband was my best friend, he stood by my side throughout a horrible custody battle with my ex husband which led to severe depression. He never left my side.
      The day he died I was away on a business trip and I was arguing with him over something that seems so stupid now.
      I was so caught up in being angry that I didn’t tell him that I loved him when we got off the phone earlier that day.
      When I finally calmed down and decided to call him later that evening, it was too late. He didn’t answer.
      I got the call less than a hour later that he had a heartache while driving and didn’t make it.
      I was so devastated.
      I’m so lost without him…he was my soulmate
      There isn’t a moment in a day that goes by when he’s not in my thoughts.
      I do my best to be strong for my stepchildren and mines.
      I would never wish this type of pain on anyone

  72. I lost my partner on 1/4/19 and just had his funeral today. My heart is broken, my soul is destroyed, my mind is numb and I can’t get over this. He was 32 years old and has left behind 1 daughter and 2 step kids and myself. He was also epileptic and never had an easy time. He was refused access to his daughter from a previous relationship through no fault of his own. His ex just didn’t like the fact he had moved to Glasgow to be with me. His mum took his ex’s side and stopped talking to him in 2016 and he went to solicitors to fight for access but was refused legal aid 3 times and had to give up. He last saw his daughter in 2017. He had an operation to remove a testicle in January this year, it was confirmed to be cancerous. We were told it had spread to his lung and was stage 3c. He was told he would be getting 4x ep cycles of chemo. He was given an 85% chance of survival. Only his sister back home bothered to contact him, he never heard from his mother, or brother or anyone else in his family. A couple of friends reached out to him but NO ONE bothered to come and see him. After 1 cycle of chemo.. his tumor markers were undetectable and his doctor said without a ct scan he can’t be 100% sure but he would say the cancer is gone. I begged them not to do the next 3 cycles then because I was worried about his fertility as we desperately wanted a child of our own, but I was told it’s precautionary!… so we battled on.. done the 2nd cycle.. done the 3rd cycle.. the doctors struggled to get blood from him on TWO separate days whilst doing the 3rd cycle, struggled to get the cannula in because of this, he completed the 3rd cycle and was discharged from hospital on the 30/3/19… He died 2 days later!! Pulmonary embolism said the autopsy.. massive one they said. A blood clot!!! Maybe his blood was clotting during the 3rd cycle hence the reason they struggled to get the blood??? I dont know but I will be checking this out!!! After he died I got his picture shared all over social media to get an applause at the next football match of his team.. i had it telling people hes a father of 3 and people from his home town commenting on it telling people he’s not,. He’s got 1 daughter.. they never bothered with him for 2 years.. then he got cancer.. they still never bothered with him.. then he died.. now they try and take away the fact he was so amazing he stepped in for 2 kids that didn’t have a dad and brought them up as his own.. that sickened me. My youngest was 1 when we met and looked at him as a daddy and they tried to take that away from him. He would have been gutted. And I am totally devastated with him dying, I just want to go with him

  73. My common law husband died suddenly June 6, 2018. We had been together for 17 years. Has been the hardest 10 months of my life for a sister in law decides to open an estate for his 2 grown children which she had no business doing. She would see us maybe a handful of times a year. But the daughter and my two grand boys was very involved with us and the son lives out of state so we really never him much but thought we was all family. Unfortunately, my husband didn’t have a will but after 17 years I knew all his wishes but that didn’t matter to them..They have been nothing but cruel, greedy humans which would make my husband very sad. I have given them so much but it’s like they want to take all my memories away..So sad!!

    One thing I will say to all is, Please if you don’t have a will. GET IT DONE! Would have changed a lot in my life

    • All I have wanted is to grief the man I have loved for 17 years and his immediate family that was all family to us and we all got along like a family. All they want is money and things that don’t exist. Can’t believe that this happened in the first place and how greed can ruin a family. We didn’t have much but we was in our mid to late 50’s and had started to travel and make plans for our retired future. All I can say is shame on all of them and they should all be ashamed of themselves. One of the saddest things also about this is I haven’t seen my 2 grand boys since the day of my husbands service for all they do is keep wanting to take from me. Just wished they would move on and let us all grief. But they seem to not want to let it go.

      • sorry all the last post was from me also and for some reason on the name, came out as Jaw but it’s my post

      • I fully understand how you feel my husband of 11 years passed away of colon cancer. His adult children have been on my case trying to get what he and I have worked for. I have so much stress. I moved away from that city so that I can grieve. He called them dogs he knew what would happen since he would not be around to keep them in check. He did not leave a will and this has been hard. I will keep praying and wishing you well. Just keep in mind how he felt about you. There has been so much hatefulness. Sometimes I feel like I can’t go on.

        • hi LIZAi hope youve found solace and not been hounded by partner of 28 years passed away 10th feb,id told Jayne my partner that i love her parents to bits,she told them.well when jayne passed away the first contact was them asking for Jaynes financial records which i gave them as jayne didnt have a will,then within 2 days the car was taken was told im not stealing itwell ive not seen it since,then a day or so later was called by jaynes mum to say if jayne had written a will her and her husband would have been left the house and pension.doesnt matter if jayne would of left it them or not as they are next of kin.i miss jayne more than anything all i want is to be burried next to or with her when i die but seeing as her parents have revealed they have never liked me i think its unlikely id get my last wishes.they are a nasty family the funeral write up was not good was about jayne loving the nieces and nephews and family rounded of with she brought fun to the family,well i wrote a article about jayne in the paper a life story of her workin history and achievements plus how pround i was of her achievements and how much i loved her.

  74. my partner or 28 years Jayne,was given the all clear from breast cancer on 10 may 2018, on january 23rd we went to drs because Jayne had swelling in her lower legs.Jayne mentioned to the dr other things that were wrong,he gave her a letter to take to the hospital.we were given the news she had cancer,a scan was taken and was told hopefully she could have chemo.she was uncomfortable over the next 2 wks ,then we get the news the scan had been looked at again and was showing that Jayne,s liver was infested with cancer.Jayne was told there was nothing that could be done.She decided go to the hospice.I stayed 2 nights with her,on the 2nd day i was with her when Jayne took her final breath,it was 2.45am 10th feb 2019,and my world fell apart,not only did i lose my best friend lover and soul mate,ive since found out that her family dont like me,so thinking id be getting a bit of support,ive had nothing but hurtful things done ,for starters the father who was going do the service for Jaynes funeral hadnt been told that Jayne had got a partner nevermind that it was 28 years.lots of other things like a really crappy read write up of the funeral were the family had put how much jayne had loved them ,no comments about them missing or loving her.they really are the pits.i loved Jayne with all my heart ,hence ive written an article dedicated to jayne mentioning her academic achievements and her very good work history as well as mentioning her friends and great holidays and how proud i was of her and how much she meant to will be in the local paper next having bereavement counselling and constantly crying and getting very emotional.i cannot look forward as im so lost without Jayne she was my everything and im struggling from minute to minute to get through each day .my heart goes out to all those whove lost a partner who they love more than anything as i know life will never ever be the same.

    • Good day Ian, It’s sad to know how her family treated you. Remarkable words you shared about your lover. May God continue to give you strength at this time.

      • thank you Lisa
        im having bereavement counselling at present,still having nasty calls from Jaynes mum.
        ended up contacting a solicitor,going do what i can to make sure they dont get it all their own way.
        I know what Jayne would of wanted,everyone to get along,i tried my best,but its hard knowing how much they dislike me.
        will have to see what the next few weeks months etc bring.
        king regards

    • Im so sorry for your loss and reading such tragic losses here my soulmate of seventeen years passed away in my arms on the 24 of October gone so it is six months today I am utterly heartbreakon destroyed such a empty heavy heart panic anxiety doesn’t seem real or right we had seventeen years together all was getting well in hospital until sepsis attacked I wouldn’t wish seeing the pain and terror on my worst enemy he had a bug falling out with no comeback with hus family six years previously not one card was sent on a birthday Christmas anything so me friends nurses asked if he wanted them to know he said No I stuck by my soulmates wishes no life insurance so had to deal with the funeral service flowers everything lost my one true love I was 22 he 23 passed away in my arms six months ago today aged 39 im am so lost can’t comprehnd what has happens didn’t even make it too hus 40th birthday which would have been January the pain of having to write hus birthday card out place it in the coffin with a Christmas card etc….. it unbearable keep telling my self hes at the shops stand at the window looking out for him im utterly devastated can describe the feeling at all take care

  75. Husband died March 9th 72 hours after coming home from a 4 month stay in hospital. Year battle with cancer.
    I think I’m still numb and in shock

  76. It’s been 2 years. It still hurts like yesterday. I believe I had a dream of him. Thank you everyone for being brave and sharing your words. My life was shattered when my fiance died 5 minutes from home. I am now a single mom of three. I spent plenty of days crying then numb staring into space. I felt guilty that my kids have to miss their dad and I didnt want them to miss their mom. I began exercising, doing yoga and meditating. I know there is hope. I believe in you and me. This dream triggered some emotional things. Forever missed. 3.2.17

    • I lost my fiance June 2nd in a horrible car accident he was 38 I’m 36 we have 2 boys together one will be 2 next week and I have a 3 yr old and when we reunited after 11 years I had a 1 year old I knew him half my life he was my very good friend as teenager’s and when I was 17 I dated him for a couple months I loved him then and LOVE him with all my heart till this very moment we were crazy in love with each other I think about him every second of every day I cry every day for him and just can’t understand why he’s gone I just pray everyday that I’ll be ok one day as I read all these stories I see now I’m not alone but feel so empty inside and alone I’ll be praying for you all

  77. Thank you for the site. My wife died very suddenly at age 43 after 16 years of marriage. It has been 6 months and although I thought it might get easier it has been anything but. It does help to know that others understand. I have had difficult articulating my feelings but this article does a good job of that. I just wish that horse would stop kicking me in the stomach every day. Cant sleep, can’t eat just getting out of bed is a major accomplishment

    • Hi Chris, It’s been a year and 6 months for me. I’m convinced it doesn’t get any easier, but in some ways it does. You’ll learn to live with these feelings and it’s better to express them in any way you can rather than hold them up inside. Don’t listen to people who tell you hurtful things like, you’ll meet someone else etc as you may or may not. It’s none of there business and you’ll do what you can when your ready to do that. As a man, we get very little support compared to the women who have lost there partners as we’re expected to be tough. Well we’re human too. But as a man it is our job to get up and keep grinding that axe. You’ve done this before and you can certainly do it again, so don’t give up buddy. We’re not done with the world yet!

  78. My sweet, big hearted boyfriend was stolen from me by a customer at the nightclub he worked at. Unlike many of the comments here (which by the way break my heart) my boyfriend was taken from me by someone with the intent to hurt someone (not him in particular, but they brought their gun with the intent to hurt) which is the hardest thing for me to cope with. He was such a good guy – strong, hard working (working security was his part time job) and a family man. He was working seven days a week at two jobs to prepare for us to take the next step together – having kids, getting married, etc. It makes me mad every time that I think about the fact that someone literally stole my future from me over something so stupid. I’ve felt most of the stuff highlighted in this post but also I’ve felt anger heavily. He would still be here had someone not mad up their mind that they would hurt him.

    • My boyfriend was also taken from me on October 12th 2018, shot in the back by a woman who claimed self defense & is currently getting away with it. He never touched this woman (who was a neighbor) and was completely unarmed… unfortunately the county where this happened is corrupt & would rather sweep it under the rug then have to deal with it. He was murdered the day our daughter turned one month old…. The pain from losing your partner is something I could never explain to anyone but the pain of losing him at the hands of someone else makes it 1 million times harder I’m so sorry for your loss…

      • Wow Tina, I am so sorry to hear that. That hurts me just reading that and knowing that you aren’t getting justice. Praying for your strength and peace love.

  79. In 2015 my significant other somehow contracted Necrotizing facitis. He was an ultra marathon runner and he was mere days from death. We fought from July to December of that year. The doctors managed to save his legs where the infection grew, but his days as an ultra marathon runner we done. His depression that followed was miserable, so we got a service dog for emotional support and it really seemed to work. He was happy, we went out a lot with her, she is our furry baby girl. We did manage to run one more marathon with her before he decided it was too much. In January of 2018, his walking suddenly went back to almost unable to and he could barely move his right leg. By the time we got to the ER he couldnt move his right arm either. We sat in our room for hours before the doctor came to let us know they found a mass in his brain and he would need to have surgery that day to alleviate the pressure. His surgeon came to let us know that his surgery was a great success only to let us know that it started in his lungs. I have to mention, when we met, it was our deal that he would stop smoking, and he did. Cold turkey even. never smoked again. I guess the damage was already done. He was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. Our battle began again. We were told that things looked good. Brain cancer was gone, and were sure we could somehow get him into remission. We did all we knew to do. During chemo he started getting weak and tired, but that was all to be expected. We thought we could get through it through diet and exercise, but it became to hard to move some days and the drugs killed his appetite. My beautiful man who I have been with for 22 years shrank from 165 lbs to his current 125 and is now to weak to do anymore chemo. Hes laying on the couch right now with our dog, to tired to move, to tired to talk and I simply am already grieving, because he keeps telling me that he is talking to my father who passed last year. He is making me feel as though today is the day, and if im honest,when i was with my father to his last breath, this is exactly how it happened. I had to be the stone for my family. Now I am seeing that I have to be the stone for his and its so hard. I feel like I have to mourn for my father and my partner alone because Ive had to be support for everyone else. I used to believe that God never gives you more than you can handle, and now I’ve lost all my faith because I just cant handle anymore. Life is going to be so hard without him.

    • I am so sorry to hear about what you have been going through and what you will go through in the months to come. The pain of grief can be difficult to describe accurately to people who haven’t experienced this type of loss. Your heart actually can ache from it. Support from really dear friends/family or a good grief counselor can help but they can’t alleviate the pain you experince and there isn’t a choice , you have to go through pain to somehow finally come out the other side. How long that takes I don’t know. It’s been 8 months since I lost my husband and there are days when the pain is as fresh as when he died. But taking one minute, one hour, one day at a time is all I can do. Again, I am so very sorry you have to go through this. I wish you strength.

    • I am keeping you in my prayers. I also had to be the strength when my father passed. Then my mom. Then, my husband and best friend of 40 years on 12/16/17. My husband went from 165lbs. to 99 right before he passed from ALS. The horrible beyond horrible is that ALS runs in our family, so this is not the end. I can’t even fathom going through more, but I know I will. They say that God doesn’t give you more than you can handle, but he has given it to me. Surely I have earned my wings already and hope I don’t have to endure any more. I just retired. We had so many plans. Now, my hope is that I can join him before this disease hurts anymore that I love, especially my children.

  80. The postings here are such perfect descriptions of what grief feels like to anyone who has not suffered the loss of someone they dearly loved. My healthy, active husband developed a blood infection which came out of nowhere in April of 2018. That infection ate a hole in his heart two months after what we initially thought was the flu. He died June 23, 2018. We were married for just over 25 years but had been together longer. The grief I have felt has been the mostly painful emotion I have ever experienced, and as others have described it has been a crushing, all encompassing pain, even after eight months. I can now function during the day but I cry most nights when I get into our empty bed and am sad every morning when I awake. Even though I was with him when he died I still expect him to come walking in the house because this must just be a nightmare. We didn’t have children and I don’t have any family in the area, but I am so thankful to have some very good and caring friends who are helping me survive. My counselor asks me if I can see what my future may look like without him and I am clueless, there is no picture without him. I am still working and very involved with an animal rescue group but it’s not enough. I try to look for little things that give me some joy every day and that helps a little. Perhaps one day there will be more to bring joy back into my life, but for now it’s tears and loneliness .

    • I can truly relate!! My very active and loving husband was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer that spread to the liver in May 2018 and he died Jan 2019.. We were married 32 years the 13th of March!! He was 54!! All of our children are grown but our oldest granddaughter(13) was his heartstring!! I just feel like i don’t have a life without him..i cry all the time and i have great family support but i miss him so bad until i can’t breathe sometimes….i know people say it will get better but it only seems to worsen for me. He was my everything down on this earth!! I love God and i know that he has to have another plan for my life because he took him at such a young age. I guess we have to just wait and see!! My thoughts and prayers are definitely with you!!

      • Sonja, I am sorry you lost your husband at such a youg age, Your grief is still too fresh and I felt, and can sometimes still feel , exactly the same way where you feel the pain so intensely you can’t seem to get in another breath. The frequency will eventually decrease slowly over the months but I can’t say the force of the grief lessens. There is no end to the grief just the slow, subtle changes in it as the months go by. The “anniversary” of the beginning of my husband’s illness is approaching and I can already feel the resurfacing of the pain of reliving the two months he went through before he died.

      • Sonja,
        I’m exactly where you are. My sweet husband was diagnosed with Stage 4 Colon Cancer in Dec 2016 and I just lost him on March 30th, just 15 days ago. He did everything the doctors told him to do and yet he didn’t make it. I feel so lost.
        He was the most wonderful person I’ve ever known and I’ll never adjust to living without him.
        He had just turned 59. Too young.

    • Suzanne,
      We have exactly the same experienced my husband died with blood infections I wish I can meet you up to share our sorrows I felt so excruciating pain every time thinking of him and being alone

      • Pat, this has been a very good website to provide information and answer questions about the grief experience. Everyone’s story on how the loss happened is different but the grief we feel is so similar, our pain is just as intense no matter the circumstance that brought us to this point. It is learning how to survive without the one we love. Everyone will do it differently but perhaps sharing suggestions will help one other person.

  81. Re point 14. I’m the partner in a relationship with someone whose previous girlfriend died. I’m really trying my best but although we talked about the technicalities of what happened my boyfriend is very locked up with his feelings. I know the article says you can love someone in the present and also cherish the person from the past .. I knew he lost his girlfriend before we started dating and this was never an issue. Now however we’ve been together for over a year and planning a life together and I’m suddenly very overwhelmed that he was previously in a relationship with someone who he loved very much and the relationship ended. It’s going to be five years since her death this year and I’m the first serious partner he’s had since and I don’t doubt his feelings but I really want to be his one true love. Neither one of us was ever married. They were only together for a year before she died but I hate the idea that someone had to die for us to be together and dont know how to think about her.

  82. In a couple of day February 27 2019 will be my Wife & I 53rd Wedding Anniversary. We have a son who is 52 years old. My Wife passed away October 13 2018 five days before our son’s Birthday. For three miserable years since 2016 she began to be affected with Alzheimer’s & Dementia the horrors of the infirmity was something I could not have imagined. She become at time unrecognizable in her Talk, actions & conduct, the saddest years of my life & it culminated in her dying .Could not say goodbye because she was not consciously aware. A huge emptiness fills my heart without respite. I wish I would have died with her. She was everything to me, my rock, my friend my Lover my confidante, I feel lost without her.
    Now the sadness & loneliness I feel is beyond words, I miss her so much every moment of the day is a struggle to stay alive.
    I am so tired of this misery & that is not a pleasant subject for anyone to deal with. In the last Five years I have lost my mother
    my brother, two of my friends & the Love of my life. I can not even think of getting rid of her clothing, shoes etcetera.
    I hold her clothing near my heart & Love her memory & cry cry cry… I kiss her Picture everyday. I hope to see her again when I die.

  83. My boyfriend was 33 years old, a police officer, and I’m 23 years old, in my second semester of nursing school to eventually be an ICU nurse. We were a same-sex couple. In about an hour, it’ll have been 2 weeks since he collapsed from sudden cardiac arrest from a blood clot. I woke up at 4:45 AM to him waving back and forth sitting on the edge of the bed….I ask him babe what’s wrong, and he’s just clutching his chest saying his chest hurts. I didn’t think too much of it. He got up to get a glass of water in the kitchen and I heard him collapse. I ran in the kitchen and found him unresponsive without a pulse. I tried doing CPR on him the best that I could while juggling calling 911, getting his dog out of the room….I saw him gasp for his last breaths as I was sitting over him. I have been having the worst two weeks of my life dealing with this. As stubborn as we both were to each other, I loved him so deeply…I wanted him to be my husband. He will always be my husband and the love of my life. I’m trying so hard to continue on and push forward and finish nursing school….but this article comforted me a lot, especially since I am home alone with my cat and his German Shepherd. I feel like I’m just waiting for him to come home….it feels like a nightmare I can’t get out of. I love you to the moon and back Donny.

    • James….

      I’m so very sorry to hear this. You two will always have each other. It is very hard when we lose our best friends.

    • Dear James

      Your story was touching as its sounds so familiar, although I wasn’t able to assist my husband, he passed away alone, only through a two mediums was i able to establish it was his heart and a blood clot which i thought from the beginning but am not in the medical field, just from my gut or sixth sense. We too where stubborn but loved with all our heart and soul. I strongly suggest reading as much as you can, iv purchased a few books, although based in South Africa, ordered locally and via Amazon, one that stood out is a recent purchase called Soul Conversations, there are also Chicken Soup for The soul, a variety of which you can choose or maybe you have a local Library that might have some books on grief and afterlife. Your not alone, Donny is with you and once you can quieten your heart and talk to him you will eventually start seeing signs, you will know these as soon as you see them and feel his presence. It an earthbound pain we feeling, its tattered and torn up our entirety, no visuals of happiness just caught in a fishbowl of hurt, and this is ok, dont feel you not allowed to grieve or mourn you are this is how much you love him and can continue to love. We made a memory wall for my hubby as we have 3 kids and speak to him all the time as if he is there. It was his 43 birthday on the 26 Feb 2019, we released 43 balloons with messages on, had a huge sense of calm over me, strangely enough and 28 Feb will only be two months. I wills hare a poem i wrote the other day, this too helps me with my own grief
      My eyes are so blurry I cannot see
      Like a wave of white horses over me
      Lingering souls on two difference planes
      Longing to reach out for their twin flame
      So much left unsaid and not completed
      Without you here im tor-mentally defeated

      I hope this can bring some love and light to you

    • My heart goes out to you. My daughter, who lost her 25 year old fiancee to a work accident was with him when he took his last breaths. That was almost 1 year ago. Believe it or not, I think she does some peace now in being with him at the end of his life. I can’t believe either you, or she, will have something in your life that could be more difficult than that. I wish you love and healing as you navigate this first year and please be gentle with your self. I will be holding you in my heart.

    • So sorry for your loss. It is absolutely horrible. My husband (11 years married and 13 together) died suddenly of a heart attack on Feb 2nd 2019. We were a same-sex couple too. There are no words to describe the pain and emotions that I am going through. He was my everything and 1.5 months later I still cry most of the day. Especially afternoons and nights when we would be together. Being with good friends helps, staying with them too. We had a dog together too. She and I is what is left of our family, and when she is sad I cry. I am also seeing a counselor and a psychiatrist. But it feels like my life has ended. Can’t barely see while writing as my eyes are full of tears. Today I had to stay in our home because I am sick and I have been crying all day. Every other thought reminds me of him, everything in the house reminds me of him, and I cry of the amazing 13 years together we had but also I cry for what he will not be able to do. It just feels unreal. Since he passed, I have been staying with friends every weekend. It is still hard, but being alone is horrible. I stay several days with friends during the week too, but I am trying to be at home longer periods, slowly. Not sure if this reply helps you, but think that you are not alone.

  84. Daniel Pedraza. LCSWRFebruary 17, 2019 at 2:41 pmReply

    Well my story is not too different from everyone else’s I met my wife when she was 21 years of age I was about 26 we met at work and we were best friends at first and it basically morphed into a very good relationship I got sick with a tumor she took care of me and after only a couple of months dating I knew that this is the person that I needed to marry I asked her to marry me she said yes and we were married for 27 years. She gave me two beautiful daughters or both adults now my wife had been sick for a little while she passed away on May 2nd 2018 however she had her cardiac arrest on April 24th so when I called 911 I was waiting over 10 minutes for them to arrive and I tried to do CPR along with my daughter but my wife had told me many many times not to revive her. But the selfishness in me wanted her to survive when the EMS arrived they continued to revive her and they were able to succeed but at least 10 minutes had already passed and she was for all purposes almost brain dead. I did all things with her. Our marriage had its ups and downs but we stuck together. She was my best friend and knew things about me that my own family did not know. She would interrupt me at work like ten times a day and now Iiss that so much. I want to believe in the afterlife and that we will be together again. I still cry every day. Our wedding song was unchained melody each time I listen to the song I cry. But I am going to honor her last wish and that is bury her ashed with her younger brother who died twenty years ago. She was 51 the other day something really strange happened I was listening to our wedding song and crying again and then all the sudden I don’t know where a song started playing on my phone that I did not have stored on my phone or at least I didn’t think I did it was a song by the famous salsa Queen Celia Cruz who died herself about 10 years ago and the song in Spanish says that we will see each other again in heaven I started to cry but the crying was one of happiness.

  85. My husband passed away 2/12/2019. He’s my best friend. Was with him since I was 18 years old. We have been together for 25 years and married for 20 years. We have a 21 year old daughter. He had a stroke on New Years Eve and never came home. He passed away from complications from heart infection. He had gone through so much and I know that this was a release for him. My daughter and I were with him when he took his last breath. We are very thankful for that. This so raw and my chest and heart literally hurts. I try to stay calm around our daughter but I miss him so very much. We did everything together like grocery shopping to housework. We laughed together often. When something happens I want to call him and I remember he isn’t here. I don’t know what to do. I sleep with his tee shirts as they smell like him. I refuse to have anything moved of his. He had left his sneakers out front as they were dirty and they are still there. The last time he was home, he had set out the black eyed peas and cornbread ingredients and we were looking forward to watching Twilight Zone marathon on New Years Day like we have done for 25 years.
    He meant so much to many people. Neighbors and their children stop by the house and tell us their memories of my husband. I wear his wedding ring around my neck. I see senior married couples and I get angry and sad as I will not have that.
    My husband gave me a new title besides being a wife and mother, I’m not a widow. He will always be my husband.
    I know it will take time and I will adjust not having him with me but it’s very hard.

    • Jamie. My husband passed away on 2/4/19 of a heart attack at the age of 49. We met when I was 18 and married for 28 years. He passed away in our home. All I see is him everywhere. I don’t know what I’m going to without him. We also did everything together. He was my everything and always will be. I sleep with his sweater, look at his pictures and listen to his voice in videos. I feel like the I’m just existing until I see him again. His friends come over and talk about him. Sometimes it helps and sometimes it doesn’t. Now that is has been almost 2 weeks it seems every one is going on with their life and I get angry that they are. Our daughter has been with me since that day but I’m so lonely and lost without him. I know they say it will get easier but right now it doesn’t feel that way. Everything we did was for each other and we had so many plans for the future and my heart breaks thinking about how we won’t have that.

      • Anna…
        I’m so very sorry! We have lost our best friends, our other half. I feel that a part of me died when he took his last breath. The heart actually hurts. Friends and neighbors stop by and talk about my husband and their memories. I try to keep it together and be strong but it doesn’t work. I keep telling myself a day at a time. I even asked myself if he knew just how much I love him and if I said it enough to him.
        Being with these men since we were 18 just hits home that they are all we know and that ours lives were enriched because of them and we grew with them.
        Again…I’m so very sorry…

        • Thank you Jamie. It’s nice talking with someone who feels exactly as I do. I am truly sorry for your loss as well. Our lives will be forever changed without them. Every day that goes by more of the reality hits me of being without him. Thank you for responding it really does help knowing there is someone out there going through this and I am not alone in feeling the way I do.

        • Thank you Jamie. It’s nice talking with someone who feels exactly as I do. I am truly sorry for your loss as well. Our lives will be forever changed without them. Every day that goes by more of the reality hits me of being without him. Thank you for responding it really does help knowing there is someone out there going through this and I am not alone in feeling the way I do.

  86. I cannot believe my husband is gone. Still too raw. I can relate to too many on that list. The love of my life was dead in minutes on 11/25/2018 of a heat attack. We were going to get the Christmas decorations out to decorate. Watched a movie, he spoke to his daughter on the phone and then took the dog for a walk. 20 min later someone was knocking on my door. Everyone was on the street and someone said “is the dog okay”. I grabbed my coat and went out front to see an ambulance down the street. It was my husband. I went down there and they wouldn’t let me see him. We went to the hospital and were put in a room. The doctor told me he was gone.

    I sat with him for what seemed like hours waiting for him to wake up. We were still getting over the loss of my youngest son from cancer in Oct 2014. I needed him here. I still wait for him to finish the walk and come home.

    What I do next I don’t know. We were a blended family and had been together almost 30 years and would have been married 29 years this April. We lost his oldest son in 1993 at 22 years old and my youngest son from cancer in 10/2014 just turned 29. He was the love of my life and each day is a challenge. We were together pretty much 24/7 for almost 14 years. Before that we both worked but spent every hour possible together. He had just been to the doctor and had the heart and blood pressure of a teenager. He went to the doctor every month because of his back injury. They said it was probably an embolism.

    I have no answers how to recover. I want to be his wife not his widow and for now I need to believe this is all a dream. I hope my time comes sooner than later so I can be with him. I am not suicidal. We are/were the same age 64 and soul mates.
    For now I am exhausted and wondering what I do with the rest of my life. I keep saying “day by day”, try to write in a log every day to let him know how I feel. I talk to him, scream holler and cry every day. By myself. My step daughter and her husband moved in with me so we could keep my home. I am so grateful. The two other sons, one his one mine, live in other states. My son offered also for me to come live with him but leaving everything we have built, to live in one room, was impossible for me.

    I am at a point that most don’t want to deal with my sorrow so I try to keep it to myself. For now that is okay…
    Our plans have been destroyed and we had so many. Financially we were just ready to start fulfilling some of those plans. That is now gone.
    I have babbled enough. My best to everyone

    • Nancy, Our stories are very similar. My husband of 40+ years died suddenly from a heart attack 18 months ago. He had just retired and we also had plenty of plans for our future too. Half of myself is gone, and have no idea how I am going to spend the rest of my life without him.

    • Hi Nancy, I just read your post……………………………it felt like I had written it, blended family, my husband passed 16 mo. ago, I often lately come to this site to just read others, as I don’t know how to handle the pain most days, my best friend for 33 years, He had 4 kids, I had 3 and we had one together, she is now 30. The love of my life, my everything, and like you, I am now 64, he didn’t see his 65th bday, I brought him home on Hospice, took him in one day and was told the next he maybe had 4 weeks, he lived 8 weeks, caring for his every need, stubborn he was, never doctored, and was working the same day I came home from work, he did not look good, neither of us imagined what we were about to be told. Now I am left with a big empty house, not sure how I can manage it, we lost a grandson, just 23 only 3 months after he passed, His oldest daughters first born, dealing with all the pain, watching the all 8 kids suffer, all of our “plans”……………..gone. I feel your pain. After all of the loss, I could not return to work……………………………I worked in a cancer clinic for 30 years, I loved what I did, loved the patients, it is hard to have a bad day when you see so many at the lowest point in their lives. Not sure how, when, where, I will end up or survive this grief, and it does not get better for me, 16 mo. seems like 60 years, but I still wait for him to get home. He was a builder, loved to fish, it is how we spent our time together. Everything of his is just as he left it……………………..I cant touch it, remove it, just want to feel him, his smell, his touch, his voice. I will keep you in my prayers and I am so sorry for “your” loss.

    • Hi Nancy:
      Same age as you at 64 and I lost my life on August 9th when my wife passed away after a 2 month battle with cancer. It was a shocking and sudden diagnosis that we received only 2 days before our 2nd daughters wedding. It was just horrible and actually my life died the same day as the dreadful diagnosis. We never saw it coming and had just embarked on our retirement after 40 years of work each. She was 62. Now I too in month 7 just want to go- why wont God take me? I have nothing left-yes children and grandchildren- but MY FUTURE all planned to be so wonderful with her gone. The trips- anniversaries (that clocked stopped this Valentines day at 37 years!), vacations and just sitting back in a beautiful home we had recently purchased for retirement. That home now a house. I too go to bed feeling empty but wake up even sadder. Thats when I know I got a full day just to get to night. If lucky and a good sleep I can get some escape with the help of Nyquil! All I do now is wait and hope- why cant I who has such a broken heart die of such as you hear about when their spouse goes? Talk about survivor grief? Its around every corner of the house- the streets I drive through-the stores I shop through as if she is somehow still with me. I have caught myself in the car at times almost making a comment as if she is there. I have moments of sheer fright of the silence where I have to yell down to an empty basement- where are you? Are you here? Do you know what you left me with? Do you realize how dead I am? I am slowly trying to get back to church but still sore at God for this cruel fate. The priest says “shes in a better place be happy for her” and all I say is I want her here! This was a good enough place! I find it hard to envision her joy she is in as I get told. Do we really know? But all I can do is hope there is an afterlife and not just darkness. Because I am already living in the darkness. A once happy go lucky-thriving-bring it on world guy has now been reduced to an again old man who shuffles to the mail box hoping nobody sees him. Who hears the phone ring and gets anxious-who-what now? The medical claims and bills still showing up as if trying to kick my ass even further! What now world? I had to spend the last few months with the indignity of erasing her name from the world- taking her off accounts and all-banking- life insurance that was for her-I felt like I was wiping what was left off the planet. Thats all on us to do. Wasnt it bad enough that while she was dying for 2 months -I also had to leave her side to plan her funeral? I hate my life- who I have become and who I will be. Its over!

    • I posted in February of this year. 3 months after my love passed away. In a week my son will be gone 5 years and my husband will be gone 1 year on November 25, 2019. I type the date with disbelief because it seems like yesterday. I have been living day by day. Trying to find some reason, some purpose. I feel the physical and mental pain every day. I hope to see him walk in the door. I can see you have had similar experiences. How do we get so attached to one person? Miss him so very much.

  87. I feel bless to be the one to spread this wonderful gospel, i am very grateful to this man Dr MACK for helping me get back my husband’ after he abandoned me with two children and went away with another woman for 8 months with pains and tears in my heart I suffered to a point I almost committed suicide. Before the breakup, he stopped eating my food, he even brings the other woman food to my house store in the refrigerator and eat, he abuses even in front of the kids n visitors, he belittles me and see me as good for nothing and anything i do he get mad, i felt as if i was cursed. my friends advised me to let go but i couldn’t because of the love i have for him which was so strong and could even move ten mountains in a speed of light.So i had to seek for help and i saw so many good testimonies about this man Dr MACK and i decide to contact him and explain my problem to him and he assured me of solution. After 4days of my contact with Dr MACK my husband came back with apologies and love that he had never show me before. right now he doesn’t miss breakfast even ensures I give him launch pack, he worships me as his GOD now, bought me a new car and takes the family on vacation frequently, he sings the praises of my beauty on a daily basis.. .Today i am also sharing my testimonies and experience about Dr MACK which is so amazing and i will never stop testifying his good works because that is the much I can do for Dr MACK…so that whoever that is going through breakup and problem in their relationship should also contact him so he can also help and be a blessing to them .Once again Dr MACK i am extremely grateful to you and your GOD. Contact::: [email protected] com

  88. Why am I here, now? What has happened? My wife of 45 years had a sudden cardiac arrest late last winter. Was it expected? She had been struggling with COPD for the previous 15 years and slowing getting worse everyday (those horrible cigarettes ruined another family). But, the death was sudden and unexpected and I am a health care provider; someone who has saved numerous lives in emergency situations- my best efforts for her were fruitless-ems arrived and we were not able resuscitate her. Her demise had been expected some day but not then; we had just been out to dinner the evening before. You know, 45 years is a long time and not all of it was great, but we loved each other deeply and persevered and worked hard to make the best of it during hard times and lived the best of it when it was great times. And, we were fully faithful and dedicated to each other- particularly as I took on the role of care giver.

    Sure, I’ve been through all of the anticipatory grief (for years). The anger that welled for years because she basically “killed herself”-“Its my body, I’ll do what I want” – an intelligent women who knew better-surfaced immediately after her death concurrent with all of the real time grief that goes with the death of a loved one. What her death did to make the remainder of the family situation dysfunctional was and is profound; children and teen aged grand children all going through different and difficult stages and varying degrees and at times turning on each other.

    I had seen too many issues in my medical practice and sought professional guidance because I knew this was the correct thing FOR ME. It seemed to work well and I assumed that I had learned to deal with the grief, anger and guilt aside from missing her immensely (particularly looking back to the times when she was healthy). The sessions ended late last summer. I started dating (just wanted to finally do some things that I had missed in the past few years…wow what a revelation when you are not 20 any more) and tried to find people who weren’t too hung up on the widower thing. I did find a wonderful women who compliments me well and understands and can be a good sounding board; but I purposefully try to isolate her from the daily issues (yes I still think about my wife every day- often more than once). She is very compassionate, but I don’t think any “lay outsider” really gets it, so I internalize a lot.

    I’ve been through many “firsts”….first Memorial Day, our anniversary, 4th of July, grand children’s birthdays, children’s birthdays, Labor Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas and last week her birthday. I thought I held up well until the past few weeks.

    What has happened? All of a sudden all of the deep grief and misgivings I had in the early month or two following her demise have come rushing back in torrents- sans the anger (its finally gone). Not to the point of being frozen, but strong enough that I am concerned. Triggers and past memories? Too many to itemize

    Why am I here? Because reading others stories reinforces that we aren’t alone and we all grieve differently- that grief bonds all of us into an unwanted fraternity. There is some solace, at least for me, in this

    There are no “cook book” remedies and I guess for my sake and the stability of all of my relationships, its time for more professional guidance. I can identify with at least half of the list- that doesn’t make me worse or better than others; just different

    I wish all of you peace and the ability to maneuver through this swamp that we’ve been thrust into and for the loved one’s we’ve lost- our commitment to move on, survive and cherish our memories is very important

  89. Many of the 29 items you listed above really hit home with me, but not all. Thank goodness not ALL of them. I hope there are not people grieving out there who “identify” with all 29 things listed here. But there might be. I could definitely see that possibility. But I think the author is just trying to be all inclusive. Trying to mention all the ways the loss of a very close loved one, spouse, partner, significant other can prompt one to feel.
    It was helpful to me that some of the ways I’ve been feeling are articulated here. Finally words that describe exactly what I was feeling. Words I could not come up with myself.
    It’s funny how our minds work. We can feel something very deeply but yet not be able to say what it is we are feeling. We can’t describe it…not even to ourselves. We can sometimes feel very strongly something we can’t even understand or realize what it is. That is until someone speaks it or writes it. Then it becomes clear. THAT’S IT ! That’s what I’ve been thinking and feeling…almost without realizing it. It’s kind of strange. But it’s very liberating…at least to me…to have articulated for me what I could not articulate myself.
    With that in mind I think you missed one.
    #29. That would be a possible “existential crisis” from the loss of someone so close and so important. The moment at which an individual questions if their life has meaning or purpose…or even does any life have meaning. Does existence itself have any meaning? ANY existence? I think many people might (mind you MIGHT) have such a feeling after the death of someone significant enough in their life.
    Even if that is a brief moment, it’s a pretty big thing. In my humble opinion, you have to recognize it, so that you can confront it, come to terms with it and then (with apologies to all the followers of Kierkegaard and Nietzsche and Peter Zapffe out there) you need to get past it.
    I went through that as well as some of the others things listed about. Maybe that was because I had lost some others (my parents) not too long before losing my partner. And then I lost another best friend suddenly and all this with a 2 to 3 year period. That’s the breaks. Hard as it is, that’s just life sometimes.
    I’m not suggesting that an “existential crisis” after the lose of someone like a spouse or partner is a definite or even common thing to have happen. I don’t know either way. I’m certainly not suggesting any should. I’m just saying, it might help some to have that feeling put into words IF they are already feeling that way. I was and just didn’t realize it.
    For me, I got past it in two ways.
    1. Reading about the topic, and the ideas of the existentialists, the Nihilists, the Anti-natalists. LOL. I DO NOT recommend this! These are groups of rather smart, but ultimately very depressing bunch of dudes. This is just me…how I often deal with things. Searching for answers in the writings of the sages, scientists, intellectuals and ,philosophers of the ages.
    For ME this resulted in a revelation. At some point reading this stuff one afternoon on Wikipedia made me just start laughing. Something just hit me ….how all this stuff suddenly seemed so absurd…to ME anyway. My sense of humor saved me from this path of thought. That and the fact I was letting my smart phone app read this stuff to me and that software, for reasons unknown, began mispronouncing everything such that it became really funny sounding babble. That was too ironic NOT to laugh at, because even without the text to speech software this stuff was ALREADY a bunch of babble and essentially gibberish…IMHO. I saw that software fail as a sign from God. But that’s just me.
    2. Remembering something my Father (God rest his soul) said to another senior citizen just about his same age who was having a problem, worrying about death all the time. My Dad said to him (and I’m paraphrasing); “I don’t worry about dying. I’ve spent my whole life believing that I had ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD to live. It wasn’t true when I was young and it’s not true now, but why should I give up believing or pretending that now just because I’m old? Believing that there will always be a tomorrow has always worked for me in the past. No reason to give up on that now. It won’t help or change anything to give that up. Just make me miserable.”
    My Dad was a wise man.
    Anyway, I hope that helps anyone who might be feeling the same way.

  90. Why don;’t you post ways to deal with these things? We all know these horrible issues, we don’t need them repeated. What we need is help on how to deal with them!

    • There is no easy way to deal with the death of a love one,if there were,this post would not exist.People who post in here,all have one thing in common,the loss of their loved one.

  91. After reading all of these most touching posts, I certainly grieve with all of you. I was married to a very loving woman for 34 years. We had just celebrated your anniversary just 2 months before in February 2016 . I came home from work that day and she was lying on the couch. I walked over and gave her a kiss and she asked me how was my day. She asked me if I wanted her to fix me something to eat. I said no, you look comfortable, I just fix my a sandwich. We were talking to each other while I was in the kitchen, and suddenly began hearing strange gasping sounds from her. Went to her and immediately knew something was horribly wrong. Called 911 and tried to give her cpr till help arrived. They couldn’t revive her and was pronounced dead at the hospital. Doctors said she died of what’s called v-fib, or ventrical fiberation of the heart. Doctors call it instant death. Like turning off a light switch. After 34 years of marriage to her, she was gone in an instant. I know and feel so much of what everyone has said here. A friend of mine gave me this website that has given me tremendous comfort on what really happens to a love one when they die. Everything on this site is 100% truely bible based. Go to and see the article “What happens when a loved one dies”.

    • I’m Soooo sorry James. … it sucks beons anything I could ever imagine. Been going through hell on earth for 15 months. My husband had a vfib cardiac arrest, I cpr and they did revive him, they said I saved his life, for what, 21 days later he passed in NICU, he never spoke again after that horrible day at 4:07 pm on Friday the 13th.
      I question everything these days.

  92. HI,
    I lost my husband of 28 yrs 1-25-2015. He was my soulmate, childhood sweetheart. We grew up together as neighbors. I still long for him to come back to me. He died in a house fire. I literaly lost everything and have had to make a new life. Nothing is the same. Greif classes have really not helped. I am always thinking of what I could have done. I don’t know how to let go. He has come to me in dreams and tells me to let go but I always tell him I just can’t.

    • Hi Rebecca, I agree about the Greif classes. They haven’t helped me at all. When I was going though, I got to see a piece of me in the other peoples stories when it came there turn to speak. I felt bad thinking “Gesh, blah blah, blah”. I heard the same story over and over. Now, I do see a Therapist at least once a month for one on one sessions. Its helped me a little. Much better than group. Its been a year now for my tragedy. I to have the same issue about letting go. Its sooooooooooooooooooooo hard to. You don’t have to let go at all as I never will. My wife is special to me and will be for eternity. All we can do it take one baby step at a time. before you know it, you’ve walked males. Hang on and push forward with them and enjoy the rest of your life. Our loved ones would want us to. Someday, someone will mourn for you and as I. I Would want them to move forward and have some happiness. Its been to long for you.

    • hi rebecca…i am suraj from india….my wife died of brain dysfunction on 21 jan 2019….we had have a seven month infant baby in her but suddenly she and my baby died….we had only eight months married life span… i am just 29 yrs old and she was just 26….i am nothing without her….we had done love marriage….and now i am feeling a heavy load on my brain…..i cant live anymore nor want to…..

      • Dear Surat, I want to encourage you to not give up. I lost my wife of 26 years 6 months ago. She was the center of my life. It has been very hard, but it has gotten better. Your wife loved you and is still with you watching out over you.

  93. My life changed it 10 minutes, my wife of 40 years just left out home to take my son and his wife home after a Christmas Eve party 2018
    Less then 10 minutes later my son came back yelling moms been hit. It took me 1 minute to get to the street only to see here dead.
    She was walking across the street in a cross walk when a 16 year old kid hit her doing over 45 miles an hour. I pray the unpack killed her she was in bad shape. At the hospital they told me she was dead. I was num all over we have been with each other since 1978 and have 3 kids. My younges son was looking her in the eyes seeing her smile then she was hit. I greave for him having the memory for the rest of his life.
    She was everything to me, she took care of me, protected me, cared and loved me, now she is gone. She was a grandmother and soon to be great grand bother, she was born on the 29th. My wife was a preschool teacher for 26 plus years, and impacted the lives of many people. Iit hurts my heart how many people’s lives will be affected.
    My lovely wife Virginia is gone, I am soo lost, it’s been just over 2 weeks and I can’t take this pain, it’s getting worse every day. For my kids I will try hard to cope it hurts so much

    • This grief is the worst hollow, empty, senseless form of existence. The only positive about it is knowing that we are certainly not alone with this emotion. I lost my spouse 25 years ago. Was busy raising 7 children and trying to help them with their grief. Life has certainly not been easy. Yet, somehow those who now grieve have a depth, a wisdom, that others simply can never understand.

      Listen up. We are stronger than we think. We are survivors here reaching out and writing to one another from that rawest part of ourselves.
      Why? Because we don’t really know how to live, how to be without that huge part of ourselves that is now gone.

      25 years! And he is still the first thing I think of in the morning, and the last as I try to sleep. I will never get used to being alone. Never. But, it is what it is and I must choose life for the sake of my children.

      I send comfort to all who are mourning. I wish I could add wisdom to help. No, time does not heal this wound. But, a person learns to live with a huge scar across the heart.

      We will see them again. We will hold them and look into their faces. And they will look into our faces with that recognition of just how very much they know that we love them.

      Like birches in an ice storm, we will be bent, but we will not break.

      The only constant is time. Time passes, far too slowly some days. It does pass. One second at a time.
      In the mean time…we have all earned the right to be just a bit crazy. Or…Are we the only people who really understand this business called “life”?

    • I am so very sorry you have lost your wife. And in such a terribly sudden and tragic way. I understand because I lost the love of my life 20 yes should leaving me with teenagers to care for. Nd it was sudden as well. Let me just say that although it seems so unbearable to endure this pain, it will lessen day by day. For a while it is intense but you will be okay. One comfort I had was the thought that my gorgeous man would never have to lose me and go through the same pain. Another thought was that the deep physical pain of grieving is the price to pay for having been lived. Moment by moment day by day. Take care.

      • Thank you for the message. I agree I would not want my wife to go thru this. But my extreme depression overrides every think. I try and get along day to day but it’s getting very hard, when I go home after work there is nothing there anymore, my wife made it my home, now it’s just some where to sleep, of course that’s when I do. My grown kids try and help and sometimes it’s ok, I am trying but each day is a hell for me.

        • Hi David, I lost my spouse of 37 years and yes I am heartbroken. I see him everywhere… Fathers Day, Valentines Day, My Birthday, and all the usual holidays. I am not even able to pass a store without thinking we were together in the very spot last6 months ago. My entire life ended with my husbands death. Everyone says you are soooo attractive you will meet someone else but I can’t even
          comprehend another person. I wish that I had gone first as the darkness I am living in now is not healthy. Maybe time will heal me but I honestly do not know?

          • Karen,

            Feel the same way lost my husband of 33 years on May 26, 2019. No children no pets. I am just into this six weeks and experiencing such deep pain I have never had these feelings before depression anxiety fear loneliness. I do not see fulfilled happy life for myself I know I can manage the day to day even when I am crying, sick, no appetite but is this the life I truly want without my soulmate I said it the first day and I will continue to say I cannot see myself living and happy in a world without him.

  94. I don’t think I can say anything that hasn’t been said already. My Love died suddenly on August 4th of a rare type of stroke. She was only 53. It happened in the middle of the night. She had been fine when we went to bed. I am 8 years older and always thought I would go first. We had celebrated 30 years of marriage just 2 months previously. I had just retired. I told my sister that I had decided to live, but if I had been 10 years or more older, the decision might have been different. Even 5 months later, I feel completely different about death. I won’t initiate it or put myself in situations which could cause it, but I no longer fear it. My friends and family try to be helpful, but they don’t really understand the depth of my despair and never will until they experience this kind of loss themselves. I have lost pets, grand parents, best friends and parents; but none of those compare to losing 1/2 of your soul. I have come to grips intellectually; if she had somehow survived, she would have been an invalid; but I am still in shambles emotionally. I have cried more in the last two months than in my entire lifetime. People tell me that things will get better with time, but I’m not so sure – there are some things you just don’t get over.

  95. My world fell down on Sept. 28th, 2017. My girl died that day, her 55th birthday and my life has been inside out and upside down ever since. She was everything to me. I was married at 25 to someone I shouldn’t have been with and that marriage ended 7 short years later. I dated around and the. In 1999 I met the love of my life. I never wanted kids until we met and then I realized, much later, that this was the woman I was supposed to have married and had kids with.

    We had everything in common and we were so in love it was like nothing I ever experienced. She was the world to me. And on top of her dynamic personality and beautiful soul and a heart of gold, she was drop dead gorgeous on top of everything else. She had long brown hair down to her waist and she was a little taller than me with legs up to her chin. And ice blue eyes that changed color with her mood.

    Everyone used to ask me how I got so lucky. And I used to tell them it was cuz I waited. After I got divorced, I stopped looking for someone and then BAM!… there she was.

    And now? My life is hollow. She’s gone and I’m alone and the world sucks.

    There is a song that came out in 2017 around the time she died by a band called Highly Suspect. Ironically, they originated on Cape Cod, which is where she’s from. The song is called “Hey Little One” and while it’s about a breakup as opposed to a death, the theme of loss is what makes the song. The line, “It’s raining, it’s sunny it doesn’t make a difference/ I don’t care about anything at all” says it all.

  96. I lost my husband a victim of homicide on 9/15/2018 never have I ever dealt with such grief before. My husband and I were high school sweethearts, best friends, and lovers together we shared 3 beautiful children our youngest just 3 years old, it was supposed to be forever. The pain I feel runs so deeply! To have him here one day and in the blink of an eye taken away from me and away from our children who has never been more than a day without Daddy is unbearable. My heart aches so badly I can hardly keep myself together. I do realize I have to be strong not only for my well being, but for the sake of our children. It all seems like a nightmare now as if I can wake up at any moment, but reality hits me and I have to accept and deal with the fact that at just 31 years old I am a widow who has been forced into a lifestyle of single parenthood and the full blown responsibility of picking up all the shattered pieces of mine as well as my young kid’s lives. Wiping the tears from my eyes has become a tad bit easier, but to do the same for my babies is extremely difficult for me. I miss my husband so badly never have I been away him more than a week in our entire 14 years together. I just pray for the strength to just keep myself together as he would want me to and care for our children as he would want me to. It’s up to me now to keep his spirit alive especially for my 3 year old I hope I am making him proud. A quarter of my heart is forever gone I just wish that it wasn’t a reality to accept.

    • I lost my fiance 1 year ago and until now I still grieving for him. I lost my fiance 3 months before our wedding day. My fiance gone without any reason. He is my other half, my soulmate, my bestfriend, my everything. He is the best man I ever met. He is the man who I needed the most. Everyday I miss him. I feel very depression. I know I can’t live without him. Sometimes I wish my time has stop. Lost someone in your life is never easy, they will always haunted you with every memories that you had together. Our life never moving on because you will never stop loving them. We just try to life day by day. Noone can replace the person we love.

    • I am going through a similar pain. I lost my husband unexpectedly to a heart attack while he was working out (age32), they couldnt revive him. We have a 2 year old and 7 month old. My heart hurts so bad knowing I dont get another day with him. I still wait up for him to come home from work. The pain is awful. I dread raising my children without him. It’s the most depressing thing in the world. You are in my prayers as well. No one our age should have to go through this

  97. My love story ended 11 17-2018, my love Charlie went to sleep and didn’t wake up, he had just turned 52, I still can’t wrap my head around it…it still doesn’t seem real… until it does…then I feel like I have been hit with a ton of bricks. I just couldn’t believe I had to do this again! My first husband of 24 years died of cancer, Charlie and I were married for just short of 18 years. He was truly my love story, I don’t know how to do this… life without him…the sadness overwhelmes me.

    • To debbie lea
      I know how you feel …my husband of 21 years died 27/11/2018…he also was only 52 …he left me with 5 children whose pain also have to endure alongside my own …if you need a friendly ear

  98. It’s been 20 days since I lost the love of my life. My boyfriend and I had been together for 4 years, 2 months and 10 days. He laid down for a nap and never woke again. The emptiness I feel is overwhelming. All the “never agains” come rushing in making it hard to breath. I waited a lifetime to find true love and now it’s gone. He was 45 and I am 49. Neither of us have ever married. Prior to our relationship, we both never saw marriage as something that needed to happen in our lives. I was never that girl who planned it all out in her head. That was until I fell for him. We didn’t live together but had plans to change that in 2019 and to get married. It’s weird, being home alone hasn’t felt hard because he wasn’t always there. It just feels like he’s working another crazy schedule and I’ll see him soon. It scares me when I think about how it will feel when the true impact of his loss hits me. I am blessed to be surrounded with love and support from my family and friends as well as his. I was fortunate enough to be included in planning his services and helping to do all the things that need to be done.
    There are days I don’t cry. Days when, I’m my mind, I seem “fine”. But I know I’m not. Is that shock? Am I trying in some strange way to protect myself from the pain? There’s this feeling of guilt I have on the days where I may laugh at something or find joy in something. The holidays were hard. I used to love saying Merry Christmas to any and all I came in connect with. Not now. It felt wrong. There is nothing merry about anything. Then I feel bad for the people who don’t know what to say to me. There are no words. I don’t knoW why writing all this. Just seemed like a place where someone would understand all these feelings I’m having.

    • Hey Kathie C. I am responding to you because of something you wrote in your post about seeming to be ok. It’s only been a very short few days. The same thing happened to me after my husband of 24 years passed away in Oct. 2017. I planned his service, shopped for something new to wear to the wake and the service. I was shopping with my sister, nothing was working out. I had tons of clothes in the dressing room. I was frustrated. I went to another area of the store and grabbed whatever I thought might work and didn’t even try them on. We were in line, waiting to pay….I handed her all my items and had to run from the store. I had to get out of there. I realized I was having a panic attack. It was October, so it was cold outside, but it really felt good to me. I stood outside on the sidewalk and cried….I made the clothes work….and really didn’t care if they did or not. Also, I managed to make it through his service and several weeks after that….with “no feelings”, just numbness. I was starting to doubt my love for him. Then, it hit me….about 3-4 weeks later. It hit hard and hasn’t let up. I am still grieving….it’s been over a year. I have isolated myself from as many people as I can, including family. I’ve developed agoraphobia and I will not drive. I am so stuck! I am afraid of everything and everyone, even family. This is where I am. I didn’t mean to go into such detail. All I wanted to do is say I had the numbness, too, it didn’t last. I didn’t know grieving could be so devastating. For me, it is. Also, to add more grief, 6 months later, May 5, 2018, my mother passed away….

  99. Lost my wife almost 4 months ago, she was just shy of turning 29. We were childhood friends and our life was like a fairy tale how everything happened leading to us starting a family years later after college. We were just married 5 weeks before her passing, 3 weeks after a dream honeymoon in Maui. We have a two year old boy who was her whole world. Christmas this year was horrible. I’m still lost like many of you, she is my best friend and we almost have a completely separate language than any other person. Now that she is gone, no one speaks our language of Brady and Amber, just Brady now. I weigh the pro’s and con’s regularly of life, my common denominator is our boy Tristan and that he deserves the best childhood I can give him.

  100. I feel so lost, lonely, miserable, heartbroken. My boyfriend of eight years was killed by his coworkers. They gave him poison, he passed on 01/12/18. We had plans, to make it official on 02/12/18. He was my everything, my joy, my happy place, my strength, my best friend.. I don’t know what to do. I sometimes think of committing suicide.. I miss him so much. Not a single minute goes by without me thinking about him.. Life is so unfair

    • Nelly,

      Don’t do the “S” thing. Get your head right. It doesn’t solve anything at all; only transfers pain. I have thought of the same early on with the passing of my wife. So, its not uncommon to think that but DONT. Life is a gift and souls are real. Cry, be sad, cry more, be angry, etc… Its tough to get through the storm but you will. As far as those evil people, let GOD deal with them. You focus on healing.

    • I just lost my son’s dad and I never been more depressed and down and sad in my entire life I have no idea where to start or where to end I don’t have any clue on what to do anymore…

  101. It’s been 4 years today since I lost my husband to a massive heart attack. I’m still trying to figure out my new life. My adult children seem to be thriving but I need a new purpose.

    • My husband passed away from stage 4 cancer almost 4 years ago and I to am still lost. I understand the emptiness and loss of purpose in life one feels. I want to be happy and don’t want to be alone, but seem to feel or see no true light at the end of that tunnel. I’ve tried to date, even tried the dating sites and I have found some really nice guys but I just seem to be so judging critical or picky I guess you could say. I want everybody to be a little bit like my husband and if they’re not they don’t have a chance. I’ve also noticed that I seem to make a lot of excuses as to why I can’t go out with someone who wants to go out with me. I feel like I’m stuck. Maybe I’m just not ready but that’s concerning for me because I wonder when I will be. I’m 57 years old and it scares me that I am not sure where or which direction my life is headed in.

  102. My boyfriend of 4 months just passed away a couple of weeks ago by a freak accident. He was only 24. Even within a short amount of time, we fell madly in love immediately. We had plans to marry, spend the rest of our life together. He was my best friend, we knew each other inside and our, were built on pure honesty and truth and love. This was the first person I’ve ever fell in love with. The past couple of weeks have been insanely rough, I’m still in college and trying to figure out my place in the world. I genuinely don’t know what to do, my world has left me and too scared to start over again.

    • I am so incredibly sorry for your loss as I sadly relate. I lost my boyfriend of one year to an accident last April. He was only 20, and like you, we had plans early on for our future together. He was my absolute best friend and love of my life. I’m still struggling to make sense of it all and have lost my sense of direction. My heart hurts for you.

    • I lost my son’s dad of 4 years a couple days ago and I just don’t know how to live anymore , I don’t know what to think or do , I’m so lost and broken …

  103. Kinda didn’t know where to go. I just feel lost. The man I loved died almost 3 weeks ago in an accident… I’m just heartbroken. We were together all the time…I don’t even know what to say. I just loved him so much, and I know he loved me. Just trying to keep it together.

    • I lost my boyfriend on December 6th, 2018. Im still not doing so great!!!! He was my best friend!!!!

    • My boyfriend of 8 years was brutally shot and murdered while I was in the back seat. Passing away early Dec 16. I am saddened, angry, traumatized, horrified and irrevocably broken. Go on, move forward, push thru. I want to scream when people say these things to me. I love, adore, cherish this best friend of mine. I don’t want to move forward. I want him back. This isn’t the way life is suppose to be. I dont wish anyone to see the one they love bleeding, dying. A memory etched. I just feel lost, empty but mostly I feel alone. Because I am now.

      • I am sorry to hear about your loss. My daughter also lost her fiancée to a motor bike accident last 12/16/18. They were together for 18 years- had 2 beautiful sons. Please cry it out – it takes time to heal, and you will. Please take care of yourself. Be comforted that you are surrounded by people who love ❤️ you.

    • My common law husband died on December 8th, 2018. We have been together for 25 years. He had a 12 year battle with Congestive Heart Failure, and Sleep Apnea. He was only 61. I feel lost

  104. Last week marked one year of his death. His loss to me is an open wound that keeps getting nudged, hit, or rubbed up against. It is not a deep gash or hole rather more like a severe brush burn, you know the type, where your skin is missing, it is bright red and even air touching it hurts like hell.
    That is how I feel every moment of every day! So here I am a year later – and nothing has changed.

    Originally, I thought that most people (certainly no one in my life) understands how I feel, Looking back over the year, I have come to realize, they don’t understand because within minutes of talking about it, suddenly people are projecting on to me how they want me to feel or dismiss my feelings and change the subject.

    Frankly, I’ve stopped explaining it and justifying it. So I have packed up and shipped out. I moved to a town across country where I know no one and I can finally find peace in solitude. It’s just the two of us here – just the way it should be.

    I know all of you here are hurting too… I hope you find your reason to get out of bed in the morning.

    • Hi Jennifer,

      I absolutely get it. The pain and heartache. Your analogy is pretty accurate. I wish I had the funds to do the same. I think getting away would be good for your soul. Take time to heal. It will be a year next month for me, with the loss of my wife. I mourn for her everyday and still cry as its day one sometimes. I suppose it goes with love. I’m a fixer type dude and her being gone is draining me mentally/emotionally. She’s gone forever and I cant talk to her or make things better. I look to these sites now for comfort and education. Sucks, how my life has changed. Anyways, just rambling. God Bless.

    • Hi Jennifer I feel just like you. I see a therapist but I don’t feel it really helps. We seem to just talk about my adult children and how they didn’t support my loss. But I realize now that I never supported any of their loss in this I could only think of me. They all have families of their own and so they had someone to go home too. I recently saw a photo a person I know put up on Facebook. They lost a small baby. It was a picture of a statue sitting position head downward. Arms poised on knees. With a giant hole from the breast down to the groin. Caption read how one feels everyday with the loss of a child This photo is how we all feel there is this great big emptiness we don’t know how to fill and loved ones grand children whatever it may be even a pet. None of the above seem to fill it we r lost. We can’t find where to fit. Our life has done a 360. My loss has been two years now and I can’t seem to move out of this bad dream. I thought of moving away but have no money. Everything has gone wrong since I didn’t. Jump on things to straighten things out ie getting our hs sold as I cannot afford it. Bank took it so nothing good to financially help me Anyway that’s irrelevant here I just know I feel like everything u said.

  105. I lost my boyfriend suddenly while we were talking on the phone. It was not an expected death. He died on Dec. 2, 2018. We had so many plans and we loved each other to pieces. He said I was his soulmate. We had so much in common and I am missing g him so much. All I want is to hear his voice just one more time and for me to tell him that I lived him unconditionally. I know he lived me without a doubt. All I want is to know that when my time is up on this earth and I go to heaven will he know who I am and will we just so in love as the day he died. I am empty and so lonely. I also write to him and talk to him everyday. Does anyone have and idea of when I will feel peace again and stop reliving the last moment of when and how ge died?

  106. I lost my boyfriend in August 2018 to a house fire. we had only just celebrated 2 months together exactly a week before. It felt like longer though. It has nearly been 4 month and we would have just celebrated 6 months. i write in a journal to him every night. i start crying at random especially at night. my mum says i can go to her no matter what time but she doesnt know. my best friend (well ex best friend now) decided to spread rumours about me the week after his funeral. Im just wondering if anyone know if any support groups in Western Australia for people who have lost their partner or significant other as i feel others don’t necessarily get it. i mean yea they may have lost a family member or friend but it just isnt the same

  107. Sitting here trying to sleep and reading all these comments about the lost of there loved ones breaks my heart💔
    My husband Jordan was everything and more to me. We got married on 05-05-18 & he passed away 05-26-18
    We were only married a few weeks but we were together for 6years. He was killed in an ATV accident and now I can’t even go around his four wheeler without shaking. It gets easier but never better. The only reason why I’m still standing is because the lord had filled the emptiness I had when he took my husband home. With his love and all the blessings he had but before me in my life. Missing my husband until I see him again is the worst part about grieving but knowing he’s okay gives me peace ❤️ My husband will never leave me and he was and always will be my strength❤️ I pray that everyone reading this will find peace and strength! And that we’re not meant to stay here forever! So we will see our loved ones again someday !

    • I have just lost my Wife & Best Friend in October 13 2018 .On February 27 2019 is our Wedding Anniversary.
      Clara & I had been together for 53 years,I am so broken , I have lost the desire to live. I Love her so much & feel lost without her.
      She had been affected with Alzheimer & Dementia for the past three years and that was very painful to see her in that condition
      deteriorating day after day ,oh what a miserable state of affair that is. Sad, lonely & broken hearted.
      I am ashamed to say, I am tired of life. I pray that we be together when I die & that is my only Hope now.
      She was on my side thru tick & thin, my support & the source of Love in my life, she Loved me unconditionally.
      Kaitlyn I pray for you & for all who are suffering grief & mourning a love one because I understand your pain as I am crying
      while writing this note. You said it “its tough ” May the Love of God fill your heart with His healing balm.
      I send you my best wishes & sincere condolences.

    • “we’re not meant to stay here forever! So we will see our loved ones again someday !” Thank you so much for your words. I can’t even express how much comfort those words brings me at this moment. I will keep you in my prayers too. Thank you!

  108. My husband of 32 years passed in October of 2017. I truly ‘lost’ him -or at least the vibrant man he was five years prior when he was diagnosed with a rare blood cancer. Our roles changed, and our life would never again be the same. I cherish those last years just as much though, even while reminiscing is painful, remembering his struggle-anger, fear, sadness, pain, and acceptance. I thank God I was the one to comfort him, be his voice, and help carry him.
    He lived a beautiful life, and he died well. He never lost his faith and our love just grew stronger. Now that he is gone, and even after a year, the grief is just as overwhelming. I find myself thinking of him when he was healthy, strong, and my protector.
    I think about our family traditions we started with our 3 children. The strong bond we all shared.
    Now our kids tell me they want their mom back. They say that they want me happy again, they are worried about me.
    I am trying, I go to work, I put on a smile, but then I come home, to an empty quiet house that has him everywhere. I have no motivation to do the things I told myself I’d do , I go to church and feel isolated, yes like a third wheel, and I’m so lonely. I don’t want to date , I don’t drink, and I pray, but can’t seem to get relief. My husband was ‘bigger’ than life in our small community, highly thought of , very much loved, and while I’m so proud of that , and thankful for all the kindness shown to him and our family, this too haunts me as I see the faces of people with pity because I am mostly known because of him and because I was his, and because we were the envied, ‘beautiful’ couple. Friends and family have forsaken me, even while they havent. All this has aged me , yet at 54 I see my future as long and sad, not wanting to die, but not particularly wanting to live. I don’t know how. I don’t know what to do. I lost my soulmate, my partner, my lover, my best friend. I miss him, and I miss us, and the grief , I know, will always be my constant.

    • I can relate to your feelings. I lost my husband of 50 years Nov 20, 2018 after a 3 month battle with stomach cancer. I feel like I’m in some kind of limbo, not really sure who I am anymore.

  109. I lost my spouse 09/18/18. He was my best friend my soulmate it’s been 3 months and i cry every day going to work and driving home from work. I’m to myself at work and have no interest in talking to anyone I’m not in the mood for X mas or any other holiday. Just feel so alone I ask God why… I know that for his though are not ours. I just have to believe that God is with me through this and is comforting me. Just miss my babe like crazy. 🙁

    • MARLY,

      I get it and understand 100%. Been almost a year for me. I still do the same. Most difficult thing I’ve ever dealt with.

    • I am feeling the same lost my beautiful husband 7 weeks ago I can’t eat sleep don’t want Christmas I miss everything we did together it’s so very lonely without him i really hope I feel better again one day but just now it’s the worst pain I know he wouldn’t want to see me this way but how do you control the pain.

      • Hi Cherie
        I have just lost my soul mate 5 months ago,we only met 7 years ago but he was my sweetheart in life and I’m am really finding it very hard to live a life at the moment xxx

    • I also lost my husband on 9/18/2018. Sometimes I think I’m ok but then other times I wonder what I’m going to do without him, how I’m going to make it through the rest of my life. The house is so empty I can hardly stand it. Thank goodness for his kids – they’ve been wonderfully supportive, especially since they are grieving themselves..

  110. I lost my fiance, my soulmate, my best friend on 10/31/2018. I miss her so badly and I am afraid. I dread going through my days without her. I meet everything on this list with the exception of the dating ones. I can’t even begin to think about that. We had a unique relationship. We fell in love every day. We were always looked at as a power couple. We got through things most ppl would not make it through. She was such a significant part of my life. We were 1. There was no her, there was no me. There was us. I am going on 3 years sober, 12/11/18. I somehow managed to maintain sobriety through all of this. I don’t know how long I can go on like this. I don’t necessarily want to die, but I don’t necessarily want to live either. How do you go on without half of you.

    • I feel your pain to my soul.
      I lost my husband 10/3/2018
      Everything you described is exactly how I am feeling .
      I am so lost without him, without us.
      I go on with my day like a robot almost and every night I pray that he comes and gets me so we can be together again.
      There is nothing to say to people who are grieving this loss. It’s too devastating to your heart and soul.
      My prayers are with you .

      • I lost mine unexpectedly on Oct 2nd. Though everyone grieves differently, there are universal feelings and experiences, based on what I’ve read and talked about with others. The sentiments you expressed are identical to mine, though I have other feelings, too, just as you probably do. I notice I have more periods of feeling like myself, at least until I go home. Keep engaging with others. They say that in time, we will adjust and absorb the painful reality. Let the grief come; don’t try to keep it in. Sorry for your loss and that any of us have to experience this horrific thing.

    • I lost my husband of 32 years on October 31, 2018. I can’t imagine my life without him. He was my best friend, my soulmate and my strength. I miss him so much it hurts. I can’t stop crying. My friends are there occasionally, but I’m the first to lose a spouse. I only get invited out to lunch during the week. I don’t want Christmas this year. And people don’t get what I’m going through and say the wrong things. My daughter isn’t very supportive and tells me I’m selfish if I need her to be with me sometimes. My sister hasn’t been in touch with me since the funeral. I feel numb and in shock.

      • Wow Laurie! Your story is almost identical to mine. I lost my better half of 32 years and the love of my life June 1, 2018 to lung cancer, 49 days after diagnosis. He was 69, I was 62. Everyday and sometimes all day, when the reality sets in, I get this horrible deep crushing pain in my chest and I pray to God for Him to just let me die. I MISS HIM SOOOOOOO MUCH! But then I hear my husband saying “you can do this Hon. You have to be there for the grandkids.” I would not wish this suffering on anyone for any reason. -(I miss you my love </3)

      • Laurie, I forgot to mention, I am not speaking to my sister or my daughter.

      • Laurie,
        I can relate to your story. My husband passed away on Oct. 29.2017, over a year ago. The pain, devastation, depression, nor the endless tears hasn’t improved. I am not doing any better….at all. I know your loss just happened, I am replying to you because this process may not even be better in a year or so, either. I’m finding it very difficult to “move on”. We were together for 30 years and the absolute love of my life. We did everything together….everything and now….what? He’s gone. After a year, I’m still wondering, what am I supposed to do from here? I have no clue and just thinking of starting over scares me to death! I just can’t! I am so lost, depressed, scared and some days I find myself just not caring. I’ve lost myself, too. Also, 6 mos. after he passed away, so did my mother, May5, 2018. I cry often….maybe this website can help us all.

  111. I lost my husband on 16/09/18 very suddenly. I had slept with our youngest child the night it happened( 2 young children) I got up in the morning and went into my room to lay with him and cuddle and he was already gone. I called for an ambulance and tried CPR but it was in vain. I’m so angry sad and confused there are many big choices that I have to make. I relocated to another country for him and now he is gone I only have the children in this country should I go home to my family? Or stay here? I’m confused and lost without him. He was taken before his time at 36 years of age.

  112. I lost my Husband on 10/22/2018 He was murdered by his ex with a few man helping her ! She somehow had gotten a key and was poisoning his foods and waters He was in Germany at the time but was getting ready to come back to the States Unfortunately that did not occur
    Let’s just say I was Blessed to have spoken to him for the last time but he sounded so bad ! Anyway I received a phone call within a few hours after A few days later at the same time she sent me the pictures of him totally and violently assulted So I totally lost it I was under Dr’s care and drugged which only contributed to my broken in heart thinking how he suffered I cry everyday I have stopped contact with all my friends I don’t leave my room for hardly anything The worst part is he in Germany I was so bad I coulnt even go plus the money wasn’t there It’s horrible ! But I do have my furry little one who I truly believe has been the reason I try to go on The holidays for me are gone as the anniversary for my Mothers passing is quickly approaching 12/03/2000 My Father 12/09/2015 and now my Husband 10/22/2018 . I live in a nightmare ! So my prayers are for all of us That we somehow survive this horrible thing called death
    Will I ever get over this ? I truly doubt it ! I no longer want another person in my life !
    Blessings and Prayers going up for everyone 🙏🙏🙏

  113. I lost my husband 11/11/18 he went to sleep early that Sunday Morning and I woke up and he was gone. I attempted CPR and once the paramedics got there they tried but nothing. My husband and I were together 16 years and married 13. He left me with 7 children from ages 18 to 1. I feel so alone, afraid, hurt, and angry at God! Lord I don’t know how me and my children are going to make it! We are taking things one hour at a time.

    • Dear Terra,
      I just come across this website trying to find some answers about my own grief. I read your comment and it broke my heart. I pray that you have family to support you and your kids. I didn’t and I think it’s made it harder to heal and move forward. Honestly, I haven’t… I felt and still feel all the things you described. It’s been almost 5 years and there’s still a hole in my heart. I’m sorry for your loss and I’m praying that you are able to heal and be whole again. God understands how you feel and He’s waiting on you. Take care…

    • I lost my son on 2/19/18 and it happened the same way you just said, he went to bed on Sunday night and Monday he just didn’t wake up, when we realized something was wrong it was like 4 hours after he dead, we can’t do nothing. I miss him so bad. He was 10 years old, he was a very kind child, he always had a big smile in his face, sometimes i feel like i never going to be the same, but the only thing i can tell you, is to give your pain to God, put your trust in God and He Is going to heal your heart.

  114. Just found this site. I lost my dear wife a month ago (19/10/2018). She was aged 56. I feel so empty and lonely. It is reassuring to read your post and subsequent comments. I can see I am not alone.

  115. Hello All,

    First let me say, I love this Blog and enjoy reading everyone’s crushing life experiences (Not in a bad way, but I relate)

    I’ll do my best to keep this short, as like most our attention spans shift quickly & I won’t bore everyone with details of losing my Swee Swee\Pudge\Angel Cakes, aka my wife, nearly a year ago.

    Regardless of the time vested together & circumstances, all of our pains are similar but different. Mine, involves bad company that manipulated her kind soul by using evil practices, drugs and alcohol. I’d say that was her only flaw, “Trusting” (If you could even say that was), everyone was kind like her. She grew up believing evil didn’t exist.

    Being an analytical thinker, things need to make sense but all this doesn’t. I struggle daily with my anger, and can’t stand that those people are even walking on earth. I have lots of speculation but no proof. Almost like knowing your neighbor is up to no good but can’t prove it. I wish I could have saved and rescued her as I have our whole lives together. I always protected her. I actually have saved her life several times. Like racing to the store to get allergy medication for her weird onion allergy, because she couldn’t breathe, to rescuing her from the oceans title waves while on vacation.

    I miss my teammate that hustled for us, that would take on the world for me. I miss taking care of her, I miss her laugh, stank farts and seeing her on the recliner binge watching all her favorite movies and British shows. Like Willy Wonka she was my “Golden Ticket” and didn’t realize it till now.

    P.S – My life has changed drastically from reading self-help books, to videos to help with my heart ache to even therapy. I strongly suggest therapy. God Bless you all.

    • All these life stories are so heartbreaking. I lost my husband on 22/09/2018.
      He wasn’t just my husband he was my best friend. I was third time lucky. My first relationship lasted five
      years and we shared a child . My second relationship didn’t make it past 2 years as he thought i was his
      punching bag even during my pregnancy, At 7 months pregnant I got the courage I needed to walk out of
      the relationship. I met my husband when my second son was only 6 months old. He accepted the 3 of us as a
      package. We met 27 January 2005 and had our first child 28 February 2006. We weren’t married yet. That same
      year he got sick and the doctors battled to find the problem. I watched my fiance deteriorate in front of my eyes.
      Day by day he got weaker. By November 2006 I got a shock when I found out that I was pregnant again. In January 2007
      my husband couldn’t talk, walk or feed himself. He didn’t know who I was , he didn’t even recognize his own son. By the time the doctors found the problem my husband had lost more than 20kgs as all he could eat was baby purity and I had to feed it to him.
      The horror to hear that he had a Brain Tumour measuring 8 x 8cm. He was rushed to a specialist hospital that evening. I was sent home with his aunt. The next day me and his aunt went to go and visit him in hospital. When we walked into the ward he was in, both of us froze as he was sitting up and feeding himself. I couldn’t stop crying and just stood there watching him. He turned and looked at me then he said “Hello my Lovey” he knew who I was. After a long stay in the hospital we were informed that it would be better for us to wait until the baby is born before they remove the Tumour. As it could go both ways during surgery. My husband was released from hospital with a shunt in his head to drain the excess fluids. We then decided to get married before the baby was born. As we didn’t know how far I was we had to get married soon. So we saw the Pastor and he gave us 2 Options. Either 23 June or 29 June. My Husband and his Aunt said maybe 29 June would be best as it would give us 3 weeks to plan the wedding. I disagreed and said we will get married on the 23rd. So we got married on the 23rd and our baby girl was born on the 29th. 🙂 So that year 19 September 2007 my husband’s brain tumour was removed successfully. The Doctor said it will take up to 2 years for my Husband to fully recover and walk without a walking stick. He showed them that their science doesn’t apply to him ans he did it in 2 Weeks, his yearly check ups according to the Specialists was perfect. In August of this year my Husband started getting terrible burning sensation in his stomach. The hospital sent him home with ulcer medication and with his check up at the hospital 2 weeks later he wasn’t any better. So they booked him for a scope on the 11th September. On the 10th of September my Husband was in so much pain that I called an ambulance. He was taken to hospital that evening and admitted. I visited him everyday and on the 13th of September I was told to come in early the next day to see the Doctor. On the 14th of September my life changed. I was informed that my Husband had Liver Cancer. I was shattered and in total disbelief as he wasn’t a drinker and only 39 years old. I waited for the Doctor to tell my Husband that he doesn’t have an ulcer but he has Liver Cancer. On the 20th of September I went and told my Husband myself as it was his right to know. When i told him i was in tears and he took my hand and said ” Lovey don’t cry I am going to be fine” He passed away 22 September 2018. He would’ve been 40 in November. I miss him and it feels like the pain will never go away.

  116. I have read many of these posts. I am deeply sorry for everyone’s hurts. I lost my husband on 11-2-18. I am an empty shell and so sad and knotted up deep in my soul. May God hold us all in his arms and give us peace.

    • I lost my husband on Feb 16 2018 to lung cancer. I spent the last two weeks by his bedside and I was with him when he died. For the past months I have felt like my heart would break in two.

    • I lost my husband on 11/2/18 as well. Never woke up and was on life support😢 Numb, crushed & devastated is putting it mildly. 💔💔

    • I lost my husband 10-20-18 and we have 2 small kids too. It still takes my breath away sometimes. My heart is broken.

    • I also lost my wife on 11/2/18. She passed away quickly, less than 12 hours after collapsing in our home. All the friends and family came in for the funeral, it was wonderful. But all that is over and everyone is gone. I am so alone. 59 years old is too too young.

  117. I was married 13 years to my wonderful, kind, caring, loving husband; his Alzheimer’s got worse; everything went south after he fell on his head twice January 2018. We met in 2005, 10 months after my first husband died; My 2nd husband was my biggest support system. I felt so connected to him mentally, emotionally and spiritually. He died mid October 2018. There are financial issues now; I felt like I not only lost a husband yet a best friend. My first marriage was good yet different and that was for 19 years. Of course no two relationships are similar. Yet now I’m at the point with my own health issues is it better just to work out struggling on my own the rest of my life. This is a lot of pain to handle. I lost my mother end July 2017; there was role reversal when my husband’s dementia worsened mid 2017; what a strong, independent man who was there for both my mother and myself for years. It was a rough year; yet kept telling myself no matter how bad I felt physically this is your husband and he needs you and it was not easy. There was violence; he had been placed in two mental health hospitals in the last two months before he went into an Assisted Living facility for about 2 weeks; he could not help it of course; tough as others too who have gone through being care giver know as you are grieving ahead of time knowing that things are probably not going to get better for your loved one. It was determined he would live another 6 months to a year; Dementia/Alzheimer’s can get ugly and well seems no cure and just starting to get more support and research. Yet many do not know who do not go through it that the loved one can stop eating and drinking due to their mental state, and there are behavioral changes too for some; it is not just a memory and confusion thing for everyone and a lot of times there is nothing you can do to change things. Over the years we ate well, exercised, he did a lot of reading and word search puzzles daily; and even with all the great supplements and minimal medications (as I was like the medication police), his mental status still changed; I blame those falls on his head partially that changed things for him significantly in 2018; we had a very special marriage. He was also loved by so many; he also was a few years older than I yet until mid 2017 he probably had more energy and life in him than me as no one ever knew his age; and even with people saying he lived a good long life, his work here on this earth is done and other things that people say to try to comfort you, makes no difference; nothing said helps yet of course I try to be open to positive input; there is a mourning period which no one can put a time limit on it and everyone handles grief differently; now with losing a lot of loved ones over the years, is it getting easier?; no; my husband and I were together all the time; I went to college later in life, then had health issues, taking care of my mother who was in facilities 7 years yet I was there almost daily, and we were home together a lot as he was also retired…. No one was more encouraging and supportive; I have friends I can talk to ; I have a Christian counselor who specializes in Grief Counseling too; yet my family well there is not a major support system there and even with living further away that support was not there prior when I lived closer by these family members. So it makes it even more difficult. I do feel lost; my husband, my support system; gone; yet somehow with this challenge I will get by in time and knowing that my wonderful husband would want to see me live life and not be so sad constantly; easy, heck no; all I can do is try and pick myself up and allow the bad days too as not every day will be good; even with keeping busy doesn’t mean that the pain goes away. It just cannot be swept under a carpet. It never is the same after loss at least for me anyway; only different after long periods of time. Gone yet not forgotten; thank you my dear husband for being in my life all these years and for what you did for me and May God Bless you and that you are now with the Lord.

  118. I just lost my boyfriend last night. Nov. 6, 2018. I dont know what to do with myself. I cant stop crying and I cant stop wishing i was there for him better. I am very young, still in high school actually, but I think he would have been my forever and always. We promised each other that we would get married one day. We promised each other that no matter what we would make it through all the hardships of life. But now he is gone. I feel like I cant talk. I cant breath without crying. I really hope that one day this feeling will bury itself deep down inside of me because if it doesnt i think I will go insane. I miss him. And this feeling is like a dagger going through my heart over and over again. I think it hurts worse because it was a suicide. I am trying to stay strong but my heart is so broken and shattered that I dont know what else to do besides cry. I know since me and him are both so young, most of you will read this and laugh or roll your eyes. But, this is real. I am really broken. This just shows young love isnt always fake. Thank you for taking your time and reading this. I hope whoever you lost will rest peacefully.

    • Hey, what you said was beautiful and touching, I identified on all aspects of what you just said. I’m 18 and lost my fiancé of 2 years out of nowhere a few months ago but haven’t gotten much better, if love to talk if that’s ok, you’re just the only person who I think can relate to my situation and me the same to you. I essentially have no one who cares and am pretty pathetically looking for anyone to talk, I hope you are doing ok and I wish you the best.
      Sincerely, Stephen

    • i just lost my boyfriend a few days ago to suicide. his funeral was yesterday and i couldn’t handle it. i’m still very young too. i’m only 16 and in the 11th grade and i don’t think i’m ever going to be able to live without him. i loved him and now hes gone. i cant believe hes gone. i wasn’t able to get to him in time and now i feel like its somehow my fault and maybe i could have saved him if i would have gotten there earlier. i somehow feel like i’m to blame. i know what you are going through. it hurts so freaking much. if you need to talk i’m here .it helps to vent to someone

  119. I lost my wife to cancer on Oct 5 2018. She was 55 yes old and married for 25 yrs. I am doing ok because I have be griefing for the last few yes knowing how this was going to end. We were in love to no end and had less than four bad arguments during our marriage. She was a fighter to the very end and did not suffer any. She told me to move on in my life and I will. Don’t get me wrong I cry often but the days are getting better. Sleep is my only problem right now. I have not bad memories in our marriage which gives me only good ones in my heart. I found if you will force yourself to get up get out and do things it makes each day easier. Connect talk to family about the death and what happened hit it head on. I am changing my home to a mans home instead of our home since I am widower now. You can grieve yourself to death which is not what they want or you can accept it and try to move on. It is about you now abd no one else. Nobody can tell you how you feel unless they have suffered the same loss. I ask myself each time I make a decision what would my wife say. She always gives me the answer. I loved my wife more than abything in this world but I know she is in a better place and she would not want me to lose my mind over her death. We honored each other as one person in our marriage. I had the opportunity to tell her I love her and goodbye before she passed. It has been only one month but by the grace of God and friends and family I know I will do what she told me to do. Go on with your life.

    • Josephine Anne Zuniga-Banks"November 26, 2018 at 12:55 amReply

      Thank you very much for writing what you did. It is very encouraging. I lost my boyfriend to lung cancer 11.08.18
      My heart feels like it is stuck with razor blades but I have to keep going. I am fifty three and my boyfriend was sixty eight. I feel lost because he did not marry me. I know he regretted this too in the end. But things happened so fast once he got the diagnosis. I am not a widow. At his funeral I was just his “special” friend. That hurt a lot. Everyone just thinks it was nothing because I wasn’t married to him. Anyway, I’ll stop complaining. I just want to say that it is true, if you try a little bit everyday the day seems to move a bit quicker and then you get to sleep. I know I will hurt every single day for a very long time — if not forever. But I want to honor his memory and everything he taught me while we were together. I will be strong for him — and of course for me. I’m not saying that I will not fall apart tomorrow – again – I just want to say that people who are going through this or have gone through this are wonderful people. Their heart is broken but they still reach out and give you a helping hand. It is amazing! My very close best friend left me because after a week, I wasn’t over my boyfriend’s death. She said she needed a break. I was devastated. Now she posts on Facebook how she gave her all and nothing was given back to her. Can you imagine? The thing is, she lives in a rainbow and unicorn world where she wants nothing to disturb it. She always gave me hell because I fell in love with my boyfriend and went to live with him. She was angry that I fell in love with him. She said he was beneath me. Well you know what, he was the most extraordinary man and even though I am in massive pain now – I would give myself totally to him all over again — even knowing that he would die right in front of me. Thank you for letting me express myself. I am sorry that you too are grieving. I will keep all of you in my thoughts and prayers.

    • Dear Richard
      I have read and reread your post because I felt it was the most optimistic of the ones I had read up to then. We all appear to be in the same boat and trying to deal with this
      Situation.. My beloved husband of 50 years died suddenly in September 2018 and I have found a few things helpful
      One is to stay around people even strangers as much as possible. I go and stay with friends as much as possible-I call up and say I need to couch surf. Two is to get up and get out even to a local coffee bar. Three is to speak to out and not let people shame you into hurrying on or hiding your grief. Develop a continued relationship with your loved one and bring them into your new experiences. If you can, do new things even if you don’t really want to. It punctuates the day. They want you to be happy so do something every day to honour them-if they were funny try and make someone else laugh or if they were kind do a special kindness for someone. Grow this new world of grief but plant it with the love you shared each day.

  120. I just lost my girlfriend, my ever love one. A 9 year and 9 months of investment of life. For the past month we’re ready to set our lives in a new phase. Getting married by December and having a child by April next year. She was pregnant and there was a malignant cyst on one of her ovaries, the operation went well. We lost her after 2 days the day we are billed out of the hospital we are almost home the everything went wrong. As you know Philippines don’t have it all even the most well known hospitals. She died because of thrombus embolism. All the happiness and joy we set became a mountain of grief and sadness, still I thank God for the peace I have in my heart even still it is heavy as of today.

  121. Mine. 47 years old, battled cancer since 2015. Just had a celebration of life this afternoon.. He passed 10/18. Today I just kept looking for him in the crowd. I am have just been comforted by him by my side, even being ill, that it just felt unnatural. But, I saw something about being mad at God. Please know that souls are infinite. We all have the ability to connect with our loved ones after passing. It is turned off by what we were taught, or not taught while we grow. I was raised as a Catholic. I did CCD.. All that comes with. No one in my family practices as a Catholic now days. Not a planned thing, we just all became Spiritual rather than religious without plan. Like it was an unspoken evolution of us all. You can open yourself to the spirit world if you want to. I know some religious followings frown on that and you might feel like you are doing something to damn yourself. Just remember, religions have been the way to control society forever, not control your soul. Me, I had the ability as a child, but it scared me. I shut it all down. Working on to restore that beautiful gift. My love was done, he has other things to work on, other tasks at hand. Remember the saying? “Only the good die young”? He was a light worker in his own way. I miss him all the same as everyone does though. It does not seem fair, no it doesn’t. But, I want to offer HIM comfort in his new journey. I hope everyone of you heal in your journey.

  122. When I read the list I couldn’t help saying “yes thats me” i lost my wife of 16 years on August 3rd. she was 43 years old and had an respiratory arrest caused by asthma that stopped her heart. I gave her CPR but after 9 days in the hospital it was determined that her brain had been to long without oxygen for her to recover. The respirator was removed and she passed 57 minutes later. Reading this helped a bit with the feeling of isolation. Like many of you have explained it feels like the world has been pulled out from under me and I have regret, guilt, all of those. Does this get better…ever?

    • Chris,
      First of all, let me say that I am very sorry for your loss. I lost my husband in May of 2001 and to this very day i break down in tears, hysterically whenever I think about him. Not to sound negative, but does it get better ever you ask? They say time heals all wounds. It doesn’t heal them, you just have to fake it till you make it. I still have a difficult time even looking at his pictures after 17 long years. My son was only 9 years old when his Dad died. I am looking forward to meeting him again up in Heaven. I will pray for you and your healing Chris. God bless you. Try to stay busy and find a hobby. It’s what she would want for you. I am here if you ever need someone to talk to.

  123. need help in getting your ex lover back.. I know how devastating it was because I’ve been in such a situation until i got in touch with and he made my relationship glow like never before..
    you can reach out to him on his email:[email protected] and he’d be willing to listen to all your problem.

  124. Hi Macbattle. I lost my wife of twenty years to brain cancer on September 17th and I’m experiencing a lot of what you are currently dealing with at the moment. I decided to seek out a grief counselor, even though I am finding ways to cope on my own with every passing day. I think the one thing that gives me strength to carry on is the knowledge that my children need me now more than ever. I must be strong for them so I snap out of it quickly every time that part comes to mind. Maye if you focus more on what you have control over and things that will memorialize your wife’s life you might find some peace as time goes on. I find that those sort of things are very helpful to me. I hope some of what I’ve said here will be useful to you, even if only in a small way.

  125. I have read a lot of the responses left here and I realize that I’m not the only one devasted by the loss of a loved one. I lost my wife of 15 years to Cancer on 11Sep18 and about three days after her passing I started crying several times a day. It has become so bad that I rarely go anywhere, knowing I will begin to cry. Friends and family offer their condolences and prayers but I can’t seem to remove the painful last few weeks of her life from my memory even though we shared so much happiness together as a couple. I know I can’t go on sequestered in our home and avoiding life like this but I am at a loss as to how to proceed through this period of grief. I’m leaving this comment here because I think I need help dealing with this. I don’t know how to solve this on my own and if anyone has a comment to share that they think would help I would appreciate it.

    • I am sorry for your loss. I’ve been through it too—I also struggled with overwhelming feelings of grief that made it hard to leave my house, see friends, etc. I found a therapist who specialized in grief, loss, and bereavement and it really helped. She was able to help me find ways to express and integrate my grief. I hope you’ve found some ways of coping. I won’t say that it gets better…but with time it starts to feels differently.

    • Hi i lost my husband of 28 years on June 29,2018. I feel the same way. I go to work and function as best i can but i am heartbroken and still cannot believe he is gone sometimes. I don’t think we are supposed to feel any different because we loved them so much. You can always email me if you would like. It is definitely the hardest thing ever and i still cry a lot

  126. THANK YOU for making the point that not ALL of us are looking for a replacement…I have no desire to ever be with anyone again! I simply cannot care about someone else as I did my spouse. I thought we were forever….I still think of him as here and I’m in a bad nightmare, hoping to wake up. I don’t want to ‘cheat’ on him. I think that ’till death do us part’ means BOTH of us! BUT….I am MAD at GOD for taking him from me. WHY would he do that? Then I wonder ‘ why are we told that we will be reunited in death? b/c on the other hand you are told ‘rill death do we part’ so we PART in death? I thought we were reunited….it all sounds like bullshit. I just want the truth. At my age (55) men just want someone to take care of THEM! that does nothing for me. I don’t want to take care of anyone.

    • Tuffy
      I lost my husband last December. I didn’t ever take care of him. He took care of me and I regret that. I’ve been crippled with grief and now fully realize how much I love him.
      If you need someone to talk to, I wouldn’t mind.
      [email protected]

    • My partner was 45 when he commited suicide last year. I’m 55 yrs old. I have gone from shock to crying rivers and a tear on I still cry rivers. I look for his signs and appearance all the time. I keep as long as I can my eyes open at night hoping to see him . I’ve gone from a hard working women to having no interests whatsoever ever. The tv I have never watched so much. I get angry at god too but my partner too.
      I don’t want any one else and no amount of tablets or counselling will ever interest me.
      I feel even thought I have grown up kids I live myself with absolutely nothing to look forward to especially at the weekends.
      I get fed up hearing get out enjoy yourself. If my deceased partner which a medium told me he said move on have fun. How could my dead partner say that? That makes me sad and furious too

    • I lost my wife on Oct 29, 2018, and I feel exactly the same as you do except I am not so conflicted about the “death do us part” business. I think that is just something that some guy made up. I have no interest in entertaining another relationship. No marriage is perfect and my marriage is no exception. But there was some permanence to it that survives her death. I am heartbroken and having kind of a hard time. She was ill and had some disability from cancer but when people say, “she’s in a better place,” I just want to say “screw you” to them. Maybe they mean well and intend it as a condolence., however, I don’t know that she is “in a better place” and to me, there is no better place than for her to be at home with her kids and me. I will never say “she’s in a better place” to anyone ever.

  127. I lost my boyfriend of 5 years. He was 23 years old. He was my everything. What hurts the most was all the unecessary petty little fights we had. I regret so many things. Like the last time I saw him, we fought. Over something so stupid. I ask myself everyday why I couldn’t just let it go. If I would’ve called him, maybe he’d still be here. And now I have to live with the guilt of my last words being “have a good day.” In a mad tone versus an “I love you.” I was at work when he died. I never thought he would go to a bar that night specially in a such far away place with a so called friend and get severely intoxicated. It just doesn’t sound like him. Our fight was so little and petty. It was nothing huge. I should’ve let it go and there’s not one day I regret not calling him that night to forgive and forget. The thing is he went to a bar. Got drunk to the point he had no idea what he was doing. He punched a random window bc according to everyone he was mad that he couldn’t get inside the bar again. His friend gave him a shirt to wrap around his arm instead of taking him to the hospital. He claims my boyfriend didnt want any medical attention. He was too drunk to make any decision on his own! I don’t understand. I never thought his friend would leave him, take my boyfriends car back to his house and leave my man there to bleed to death. He claims my boyfriend didn’t want to leave. But everyday I ask myself why there being so many people no one called 911. Had I been there, this would have never happened. Had I been there, he wouldn’t gone to drink that night because he’d be at home with me after work. I feel in a way I let my boyfriend down. I loved him dearly. And I regret so much not being able to be there to save his life. My life has changed. My life is over. Life will never be the same. We had so many plans. We had plans to get engaged. Have kids. He had even picked out a boys name already. He had just gotten a really good job. Everything was perfect and then this happens. By far the worst thing that has happened to me. Everyday I cry. I hear his voicemails he’s left me so I can atleast hear his voice. I look at our pictures. At 21 years old, I never thought I’d lose my future my hopes and dreams. Never thought I’d walk into a funeral home with his mother and pick out his casket, his ceremony dates. Or have to go to the cementary to pick his burial site. I’m young and I always hear I have to move on. But he was my everything. We had so many plans. Our life was just about to start together. I never saw the day I’d have to be without him. I hope he rests in peace. I hope to see him again. There’s days when I don’t want to live anymore but I know that’s not the way to go. I don’t wish to cause anyone the pain I feel by ending my life. I believe there’s a reason why this all happened. I want to believe god has a plan for me. I believe his “friend” will pay for what he did. He will have to live with his conscious. Leaving him there with strangers and taking my boyfriend car back to his house. I mean who does that? We all know you never leave a friend behind. Specially someone in need of medical attention. This could have been preventable. Had Anthony gotten medical attention, he would be here. And that’s what hurts the most. Had someone called 911. My Anthony would still be here. I can’t believe people now a days. I can’t believe myself how it didn’t occur to me to call him. I can only imagine bleeding out for 2 hours with so many people around and no one calling 911. How do you not notice the blood? I have so many questions. Questions I’ll have the rest of my life. But no matter what I do now, nothing will bring my Anthony back. Nothing. For the rest of my life I will go on thinking and longing for him and all of our hopes and dreams. The day he left, he took me with him. I’m dead on the inside and alive on the outside. May he be in heaven with god and watching over us. I just want to know he’s ok and happy. One day I’ll see you again Anthony. And I can’t wait for the day I can hug and tell you I love you again. You were such a big part of my life. So much I learned from you. Things I’ll forever incorporate into my life from now on. I love you and I always will.

  128. My jsband (spouse) of 54 yrs of marriage was entered in hospital and a 25 day stay and developed end-stage renal disease/kidney failure and heart problem during the course, after dialysis was started. Patient has previous arrhythmias but not dynamic and was not given pills until last 3 months before ER admission for bad laboratory findings on two values. The nursing and other services in the hospital were excellent and the speciality doctors would show up initially but nothing else was reported even after they did their evaluation and tests. The wife was not informed of anything and if question came up to the Nurses on duty, they would call the hospitalist, who never came during the day time visits to the hospital by the spouse. Finally the spouse thought her husband was getting better and then he started failing fast. Still no explanations were given until the hospital ordered Hospice care and prepared him for transport. Only the last hour was the spouse informed of the details of the transport only. Spouse has worked in medical field and things have changed./ I am angry and decided to write the Staff of the hospital to get answers.. Wife

  129. My husband died ten days before his 68th birthday. He was sweet, sensitive, kind and helpful to anyone in need. I used to get upset because he helped so many people and sometimes I felt left out. He loved his Dodge Ram and it sat for 17 years because he couldn’t drive it any longer. I had to shovel the snow from it as well as my own car. Now I shovel out other elderly people’s cars because I miss doing that for him. He loved Roy Orbison and I’d sing along with the songs. He would say don’t ruin it (just in fun). For over two years I could not listen to a Roy Orbison song. I cried. We went camping – I still have the camping equipment. He was such a nature lover. I travel as much as I can and work full time just to keep my mind off the loss. It’s lonely but I try to fill my time. After he passed I found a coupon for a locket that he was looking at. He probably was going to buy it for me for my birthday on Dec. 4th. So I bought it and have worn it since the day he passed. My girlfriend gave me a teddy bear which I hug in his name when I feel down. He died the day before thanksgiving. I buried him on my birthday. I cried for months on the train to work. The pain is still there after 5 years but has lessened a little. I can listen to Roy Orbison now and not cry. I’ve wished I could just join him but as each day passes I get stronger and I will fight this with all my might. I visit his grave often. I talk to him. He will always be with me. I don’t want anyone else. Love never dies….

  130. It’s a good article BUT please don’t assume that everyone who has lost a significant other wants to ‘date’ or even
    considers themselves single. Not a ‘one size fits all’ sort of thing. Some of us STAY married for eternity.

  131. My common law husband passed away April 3 2017 our one and only an had just turned 3 years old….we got together in high school. I was 17 and he was 18…never had i loved someone so much. He made me happy. I trusted him and loved him and couldn’t imagine life without him….we were together 10 years. He battled a chronic illness of kidney failure and seizures…he always had a smile on his face no matter what. I saw him almost time numerous times….watching the person you love the most getting put through hell and back over and over..knowing no matter what you did you couldn’t save them…he did dialysis before I met him..very young…we were together a whole year before I even knew he had got a transplant in 2006. We got together 2007 and I would have never knew…he almost died in 2008 because his transplant was rejecting…this man changed my whole life. I will never understand why things ended the way they did….he had a stroke oct 2016…we lost our home Nov.2016…that’s when things got worse. My anger had took over me and I took it all out on him. He was sick and I was in denial I couldn’t see the big picture. He completed I am 28 years old..a decade with the one i Ioved the most just gone…. I can’t forgive myself for how I treated him telling him I hate him and repeatedly telling him to get out get out of my cousins where we were temporarily staying. I pushed him away then was mad as he’ll at him for leaving. He passed away one month after moving into his cousins. I am thankful for the years we had but I do not want to live without him I try to fight for our son but the truth is I am not happy I eat her be dead. I was 27 and he was 28 when he took his last breath. Iwasn’t there when I should have been. My anger got the best of me and took over….all he was trying to do was love me and I couldn’t see that not he is gone I feel like I cut his time short…I never stopped caring but did he know that…I cared for him more than I cared for myself and he made me happier than I have ever been in my life I lost sight of that and instead of cherishing him I was making his life harder than it already was. He was back on dialysis for a year before he died…he kept passing out and waking up on a vent during dialysis I was so lucky to have him there were so many times he pulled through and all the trauma no time to recover my heart broke for him everyday o wish I would have hugged him instead of cussed him

  132. I lost my husband on April 25th. We had been together for 30 years and married for 29. We have a daughter who is 15. Over the past month I have been doing everything that I can to take care of her, and get her through school. I have just now had some time alone to really begin to feel my own pain and it is awful. I still can’t believe he is gone. I’m muddling along living by lists and trying to figure out what I need to make it through the rest of my life without him. Focusing on my daughter to help her become safely independent and get her focused on college and her future. She will adjust but I feel like I am abandoned and don’t know what I want my future to be – when he died I died too … I will deal with the good days and sad days – the hardest part is he died suddenly and the shock is still there and it is so hard to accept.

  133. Not only spouse but the death of any person with whom we share a bond of love is hard to lose. The pain of having no more the company of them who used to be for us, the hope that is not present, the happiest of the moments you spent together which will never be there again, the voice which will never be heard, the laughs which will never be shared are all the little things which make the life harder and harder. The little things on which they used to spend upon each other and its conversion to an empty space is unbearable. You can read one of such appealing story to know way better at After a beautiful marriage of 30 years, I wonder if I’ll ever be able to cope with his loss (

  134. If anyone is under the misguided impression that when you are older and have been together for nearly 54 years, or more for some, it gets easier to loose them. IT DOESN’T . I hate this empty life he was my everything, my all, the breath I breath, the life I led. Now I empty, lost and have no will to carry on. People tell me I am lucky to have had so long with him, to have wonderful sons and grandchildren and I know I am but I can find no comfort in anything just now five weeks ago my reason to live died in my arms and all I want is to have him back. Much of what you have written makes so much sense and is so right but it is overwhelmingly intense. How do people go on living? Am wallowing in self pity? YES I AM but how do I stop, feel too old and tired .

    • Pam, I feel your pain. We were married 47 years. That’s more than MOST of my life. I don’t know ‘how’ to live without him. He was the one that complimented this old 68 year old face and body. He was the one that loved me despite my imperfect ways. He was the one that listened and agreed. He was the one that understood. Mostly, he was the one that shared all the past memories I have…the same memories. There is no one else that knows but me and him. I’ve always seen Srs that lost their long-time spouses, but never understood that it’s most certainly VERY hard. I want to remember him with a smile instead of a tear. I hope you can too. ~I believe I will see my love again when I join him in the forever. Meanwhile I have to live without him and I’m trying to be happy.

  135. Just lost my husband of 35 years on 4/22/2018 he was 60 years old, I am 57. He was a 100% disabled veteran and had contacted Hep C in the service when he was given a blood transfusion. He lived with the hep C and was doing well. In March of 2017 he was put on Harvoni. Dr’s told him he was cured. He died on 4/22/2018 due to complete liver failure. He was my everything,, My soulmate, protector, provider, best friend, support and a great grandfather.
    I was left without nothing, lost my apt, income and I am now forced to live with my daughter. I am made to feel like I am a burden, and just upset everyone. I cannot say a word about anything good or bad because I am told I am trying to cause drama.
    Now on top of my severe grief I am severely depressed. I can not find employment despite having a B.S. and great references. I am finding each day a severe struggle. I know I can’t go back but I do not want to go on either.
    I am upset because everyone has this perception I am not suppose to be sad or depressed by being so I am being negative and unappreciative. They do not understand how much I am hurting and try to make it seem like I have no right to feel this way.
    I will be attending a grieving support group and one on one counseling to try and get through this but I know I will never ever be the same person I was. Just do not know if it is possible to continue on.

    • Kathy I’m so sorry for your loss! You take as long as you need to grieve the loss if your loved one. Don’t let anyone tell you how to grieve. No one knows what you are going thru unless they have lost a spouse! My husband just passed away in August 2018 & he was a disabled veteran. You mentioned your husband was a disabled veteran. They should have given you his last VA disability check, funeral expense money & you need to apply for spousal support because he was 100% disabled did you do that? Don’t know how long he was 100% disabled but they will let you know if & how much monies they will give you. Hope this helps. If you have any questions please feel free to email me.

  136. My husband Nick died 04/07/2018 we were our only friends,we went and done everything together.Married 40 and knew each other a total of 43 years.Nick was sick must of his life,do to a child hood bully who pushed him unto a steel gate and end up a life time of infections and pain and in and out of hospitals with lots of pray he would also come home.Back in October 2017 Nick got sick with runs
    and ended up in a hospital that did not know what was wrong with him.(2 times) I called his hospital where he always went and they tested him and found a t-4 tumor in his bladder that has pierced his lower intestine.Cancerous) it took a few months to get him in and we
    were constantly in pray that this was not going to spread.He came out with no cancer,but lost a lot of his organs.After a few weeks he came home,had a hard time eating,lost a lot of weight,I was feeding him food I thought would digest.He went to the dr for follow up.Dr says he was doing fine.Home nurse came a few days later and he was ready to go for final visit to the wound dr.Doing the week he says to me because of you I lived to be 62 and another time,please don’t leave me,I told him I will be with him to the end and do not die on me that I needed him.He gets up and say he wants sime pancakes ,stays up to 12pm and then goes to bed to rest and gets at 2pm and I ask him want he wants to eat,fix him a peanut&jelly sandwich an a shake with peanut and choclate.I went to the bedroom to clean some clothes an he coughed will bad and I ask him if he was alright,ask if he had pains in his arm orchest He says no,so in about 7months we were ready to retire and finally has some rest and time and was planning to go on a cruise for our 41st anniversity and was talking about the fun we were going to have.He says to me,honey I feel weird,I ask for he had pains .He said no.How do you feel?
    I feel like I can’t breath,I though it was nerves caused by the cough.I told him drink some water,which he did.He looked alright and I asked him if He wanted to watch tv? I turn my head to set the tv and when I turned back to him,his eyes went up and I ran over thinking he fainted and he went limp.I called 911 and starting breathing in his mouth waiting for the ambulance.when they came they did everthing to revive him and nothing worked.I got in the truck and followed the ambulance to the hospital.I called my pray partner to agree upon Nick his heartbeat started and prayed and the ambulance stop at the emergency and I asked if they got Nicks heart beating.They said no.I preceeded to take him to a separated home and I waited,expecting to hear he.s dead.About 10 minutes go by the dr come in and tells me Nicks got a heatbeat {20 minutes later)I believed if God brought him back then he gave my husband a miracle that we were praying for.Did all the routine procedures,was getting little reaction from his brain.My son says to me wait Dad may recover from this.Well come 4/01/2018 Easter and my birthday,My son was holding his hands and My love looked and me with love and squeezed my hand tightly as if he was saying its alright. I changed hospitals because their drs told me with exrays or any to let him go.We went back the the hospital we went to most of nicks life and got all kinds of exrays and finally got the info that Nicks right brain was damaged and he would be in that state the rest of his life.When Nick and I were younger we promised we wouldn.t each other be in that state,So i stood in the room with my husband till the end and told him to go into Jesus;s arms.I am so sad,I felt possibly
    did some or didn’t do something to prevent this.We been Christians most of our life(teens) I am now 61 and the money My husband worked so hard for will never be used for the plans we hard.How do you start again? I faith has been damaged and I do not want to live this life alone and will never persue another relation? Any one can suggest how to cope?If not please pray for me.Love.Linda

  137. I lost my husband on October 29, 2017. I woke up around 3 am to use the restroom and got back in bed and that’s when I realized. I hollered for all my kids. He was an alcoholic and the doctors had been telling him for years that if he didn’t stop he would be lucky to make it to 40, he had turned 40 just a month prior. I have gone through so many different emotions. I have taken trips to run away from my life to just breaking down randomly in the middle of the store because of a song that was playing. I appreciate my boss so much because at times when I felt down and didn’t want to talk she would pull me into her office and she would talk to me, I didn’t have to say a word and she knew what was going on in my head. I try to talk to my friends but I feel like just a downer breaking down to them, like I’m a record stuck on repeat. I have found someone that I feel comfortable talking to. I’ve been talking to him for the last about 4 months. We actually text not talk because we live 2 hours away from each other. I’ve known him since I was younger and I started reaching out to old friends and found him. At times I feel guilty talking to him because he’s engaged but he’s been through something similar and he doesn’t let me keep things bottled inside. He’s been a blessing. The loneliness though is what gets me still. I have friends and family around but I still feel lonely. And I find it difficult to be around couples. I feel like an awful person saying that but I see them all happy and jealousy takes over. Jealousy of something I once had and don’t have any more. And at times feel like I won’t have ever again. I’m really struggling at finding a way to stay happy being around couples, it doesn’t matter if its friends or family.

  138. I lost my wife in Feb 12, 2016. She was my soulmate, and I’ve known her since 1989. I am past the grieving stage, even looking forward to getting on with my life. For whatever reason, since she died, I’ve been unable to ever get a good night’s sleep. Prescription sleeping pills don’t work, Melatonin doesn’t. No matter what time I go to bed, I never can stay in bed past 7am, have problems even taking a nap during the day, and wake up almost every hour or 2 during the night. Clonazepam, which I used to use for anxiety is about the only thing that seems to help. I’ve tried too many sleep aids to count. I am at a complete loss as to why I still can’t sleep well.

  139. I lost my girlfriend from depression. It only took 30 mins for something to take my half. We been together for 5 years. And she’s only 22. The person who i’m with almost everyday. The person i felt invincible with and the places and the tings we go and do together are haunting me. It’s been a weak now and i’m dying. Not feeling any hope and myself. Crying most of the time calling her name. regrets everywhere. Hope i could have done this, have dont that… But words cannot get her back. Still hoping that i will not follow her sooner or later. Still feels like a joke. Still waiting for her to knock on my door with her gorgeous smile. I hope someone could help me from this. I cannot take this for long. Working in a hospital is killing me as well. Anybody thinks can help me please don’t hesitate. My name is Lars and i’m from the Philippines.

  140. I lost my girlfriend from depression. It only took 30 mins for something to take my half. We been together for 5 years. And she’s only 22. The person who i’m with almost everyday. The person i felt invincible with and the places and the tings we go and do together are haunting me. It’s been a week now and i’m dying. Not feeling any hope and myself. Crying most of the time call her name. regrets everywhere. Hope i could have done this, have dont that… But words cannot get her back. Only hoping now that i will not follow her sooner or later. Still feels like a joke. Still waiting for her to knock on my door with her gorgeous smile. I hope someone could help me from this. I cannot take this for long. Working in a hospital is killing me as well. Anybody thinks can help me please don’t hesitate. My name is Lars and i’m from the Philippines.

  141. I grew up in an abusive home, and when I was 12 I met a boy who saved me. We fell in love. I stayed at his house for years and we were the best of friends. He helped me through everything and was the light of my life. The most positive and giving man I’d ever met . He helped his mom pay the mortgage by doing odd jobs and errands for neighbors starting at 10 years old. There was NEVER a dull moment with him. He saved my life. He was an angel, too good for this world. At 17, our senior year, he got hit by a fellow classmate and was killed. Here I am now, almost 5 years later, aching for him. I still don’t know how to live without him.

  142. Well , I’ve had the great misfortune to experience the grief of losing my wife Jean almost 7 years ago , then last August I lost my beautiful Teresa who I’d been with for 5 years . Jean was diagnosed with cancer back in 2003 and was told she would probably only have about about 18 months to live with or without treatment . She undertook treatment anyway and responded well and our 2 children and I were blessed with nearly 8 years of her love and presence in our lives . It was only in the last 6 months or so that the inevitable would become reality and after being told she might only have 6 weeks , she slipped from our grasp after 9 days , at home with me and the kids beside her . We were crushed , she had fought so hard to remain with and now she was gone . In those last few months , she told me , in the event of her passing , she’d hate to think I was lonely and I should find someone…ridiculous, I’re not going anywhere.
    Anyway , nearly 12 months later , while helping to organise a school reunion , I met Teresa whom I went to school with but hadn’t seen in 35 years . Well…the spark was there and so began such a beautiful and loving relationship as one could imagine . A mutual love of music had us going to numerous concerts , something she hadn’t done in years and was so excited to do . My children , after a period of awkwardness , grew to love Teresa dearly , particularly my daughter . They became very was beautiful to see .
    Fast forward to the beginning of 2017 , and the health of Teresa’s elderly mum , whom Teresa was the primary carer , began to deteriorate , and she stated to spend an increasing amount of time in hospital . Teresa had been run ragged by bureaucracy , trying to organise in house care , and her own health took a beating from the stress . Anyway , in mid August , Teresa’s mum passed away , and Teresa was consumed by grief..she and her sister fought so hard for their Mum . A couple of days later , Teresa collapsed while picking up a friend and was rushed to hospital . I went to see her in the ED and she was quite ill , though we were told she should be ok in 2 or 3 days . I went and saw her the next day where they put her in a general ward..still in pain and heavily sedated . I spent time with her , comforting her and talking to her . When I left , I gave her a kiss , said ” I love you , I’ll see tomorrow , sweetheart ” , went home , went to bed after a couple of hours . Thirty minutes later , Teresa’s brother in law rang , ..” Max , she gone ..Teresa’s gone …” We still don’t know why
    My beautiful Teresa is gone and I am crushed . Most people get to spend 30 , 40 , ..50 years with their partner ..well into their 70s or 80s before their passing . I’m not 60 yet and in the space of 6 years I’ve lost 2 beautiful wife and mother of our wonderful children , and my gorgeous partner , who filled my life with love and happiness other people could only dream of . 8 months on , some days are bearable , others ..a song , a memory , a picture .. and the tears and sorrow come like a flood . I miss Teresa so much…the thought of loving and losing someone again is so hard to even consider . Sorry if this is a bit wordy , but finding this site and reading other people’s experiences just bought it out . Be kind to yourselves , don’t let anyone tell you to get over it…it’ll take time..if ever . Peace

  143. Louise McOrmond-PlummerMarch 24, 2018 at 7:10 amReply

    Richard, how horrifying the circumstances of your love’s death are for you. My darling husband, Ken, died of cancer, but I cannot imagine having had to witness a partner burn to death. You have my utmost compassion.

    People are constantly at me to find somebody else, and a few days ago, I though just like you – it would be like a band-aid over a spraying vein.

    You say that you wish there was a way to communicate with your partner. I have no wish to push any belief on you, but after the loss of Ken, I was desperate for some sort of communication with him. I was aware that I could fall victim to wishful thinking, and so very cautiously began to research the question of an afterlife. I have discovered that there is strong evidence that points to that reality — one in which our loved ones truly are always with us, and we’ll see them again. If you are interested in pursuing this for yourself, could I please recommend that you look up an online course designed to ground the grieving in the evidence for an afterlife, titled “Love Never Dies” by Dr. Piero Calvi-Parisetti?

    I truly believe your love is with you; she will be for the rest of your life. Do you talk to her?

    I hope you have support for the terrible hurt you’ve experienced xxoo

  144. I lost my one true love in a bad car accident. She burned while still alive, and was unable to get out of her van. I’ve never gotten over it and most likely never will. I watched her burn until there was almost nothing left. That is a vision that I cannot unsee. If I could change reality, I would trade places with her. If I didn’t have a daughter, and some rescued pets to take care of, I wouldn’t give a flying shit about being here. People say it gets easier with time. To a certain extent, that’s true, but the pain never truly goes away. Every day has that potential to make you hate life. All it takes is a stray, unrestrained memory, to randomly show up, and massive depression can instantly take over. To those who haven’t been through the loss of your life mate, you can give advice, but don’t see yourself as an expert. Since her death, my life has been a day to day struggle. Finding someone new helps somewhat, but that is like a bandaid on a severed carotid artery. For now, I just continue the fight. Things might be easier if there was at least a way to communicate with her. If I believed in ghosts, I would try to find one, and ask it to relay a message for me. Losing her literally makes my heart hurt. When she died, my world fell apart. Besides losing her, I lost my job, my home, all of my cars, and almost everything I owned. I’ve since recovered a large portion of my loses and started working for myself. I would gladly give up everything I own and start over again, just to spend one more day with her. I now know what unused love feels like. Love becomes poison, bouncing around inside you, looking either for a way out, to a recipient, or else a way to torment you from the inside. Just like taking too much of a good thing, and dying from it, too much love inside you, is just as bad. I think I would much rather deal with trapped anger, than love with no destination.

  145. I’m so glad I found this website! I had been divorced 25 years and met a wonderful man on a Nickelback FB page who was going to the same concert last summer. He only lived 1/2 hour from me. He had lost is wife of 25 years 4 years ago. We talked everyday in March, had our first date in April and was inseparable after that. I had finally found my soulmate! All of my friends and family were surprised that this forever single gal had found a great guy! We had literally everything in common. I was falling in love with this man. We spent every weekend together and he moved in with me at the end of September and we had plans for our future. It was great to be in a relationship finally, I remember the morning he told me he loved me and he said, I don’t say it that much cause when I do, something bad happens. I told him I loved him and nothing bad is gonna happen. I’m not going anywhere! I got up every morning to find messages he had sent me when he got to work, he messaged me on his lunch break everyday. I got up on Halloween morning 2017 like any other day. Flipped open my laptop and saw he had not been active on FB in 14 hours. That was NOT like him. No message from him. Had a weird feeling then. I was scrolling FB and saw a local news station had posted about a 3 car accident that happened that morning on the road he took to work. I commented what time did this happen? Someone wrote 6:30. Checked back to see if he had seen my message, still nothing..not active on FB. THAT very moment I had a feeling in my heart and gut something was wrong. I just knew it. I wrote him again, I called his phone 2x..voicemail. Checked on the page that told about the wreck, it had been updated that air care had left without the patient, one deceased, two taken to hospitals. I’m not knowing what to do? Who do I call? He has a grown daughter who was at work. I can still remember and feel that panic..I just knew something wasn’t right, I was ready to start calling hospitals, I was ready to go wherever to be with my sweets! Then the noon news came on, it was breaking news, they were on the scene of this wreck and I nearly fainted….there was Randy’s car on its side, mangled. They said the person in the car died! My world was spinning…no! This can’t be right! I’m looking at his car on TV! Then a couple minutes passed and I hear a ding on my laptop, a message from his daughter, asking my #. She didn’t have my number but we are FB friends. She called and asked if I had heard about Randy and said those words…she was hysterical. I just slid to the floor crying. Since his license had his old address on it, the sherriff went there, which his where his daughter and boyfriend lived and informed his family. Then her boyfriend had to drive to her work and break the news to her. It took hours for me to find out. The driver of a big Ram truck fell asleep at the wheel and crossed the center line and hit him head on at 65+ mph, the car rolled, he was trapped in the car. I had 2 people tell me that day that he probably went instantly, didn’t feel anything. All I could do was cry, rock back and forth like a baby and cry some more. This can’t be happening?! The next day, his daughter came here to pick out clothes for the funeral, she thanked me for making her Dad so very happy…it was terrible…the loss. She had lost her Mom and then her Dad. She included me in going to the funeral home to take the clothes, I wanted to see him, to touch him, rub his hand. We all knew he was trapped in the car, but not for how long? He did wear his seatbelt everytime he drove. Then we found out the crash happened at 6:22 a,m, not dispatched until 6:33, EMS arrived at 6:42, In my mind I am screaming! WHY? Why did it take so dam long? I was so upset and still am. A nurse had jumped out of her car to go check things out and she said he was alert, saying he couldn’t feel his legs. That haunts me and will forever. I wonder if he went into shock? How bad did he suffer? What was he thinking during all that time? He was alive in the car close to 1 1/2 hrs, he passed away the minute they removed him. He held on that long with 2 broken legs, all broken ribs, blood filling his lungs and who knows what else! I cry everyday still..It will be 18 weeks this coming Tues. I dread Tuesdays, getting up and reliving that day all over again. It’s so hard to go to bed at night. remembering our evening before…how he said I love you baby, I told him I loved him too and then snuggled up against him, arm around me, falling asleep not knowing that was our last night. I’m thankful if you can word it that way that the last words we said to each other was I LOVE YOU. At 54 yrs old we found love and I feel like I was robbed of him in a tragic way. Our time together was too short but I have so very many wonderful memories I cherish. It feels so empty and weird here, his daughter came and packed up all this clothes and belongings 2 weeks afterwards and all I could do was cry..I remember him bringing it all in just a month prior. I did get to keep a few things of his, a few pieces of clothing I loved, I sleep everynight with the shirt he wore to bed the night before, his cologne that I open and smell ever now and then, still where he put it. We are still waiting on the court date for the idiot who killed him. He had Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years, Valenties day with his family, while I missed out on all of those firsts we should have had. I’m so glad to have found WYG. I have nobody who really understands how bad off I am over this that I can talk to. His daughter and I still keep in contact, she keeps me updated on whats happening with everything and we have met for lunch, we vent to each other. Thanks for listening to my story. Hugs to all!

  146. I lost my fiancé 2/20/18 to a horrific sudden death. It’s so hard without him. I miss him so much . I cry more and more every night. I can’t sleep I don’t eat. I’m depressed, mad, heartbroken, lost, upset, empty. He was my everything. Everything’ I ever wanted in life was with him. He will forever be in my heart 😓😔😪😢💔 R. I. P. Daddy(Babe)

  147. I’ve been with him not more than few months.
    I act like a bitch and build walls around me so nobody could hurt me.
    I met him fall in love with his beautiful green eyes..
    He say all my crazy flaws and still decide to love me.
    Saw through all my bitch facade and hugs me until i melt.
    no matter how hard how fucked up the day is,
    i know that he will be at home waiting for me.
    he would pull me in his arms and i will instantly feel safe.. calm..
    and now he’s gone.
    22th February 2018.
    my love Damien is gone.
    leaving me broken to pieces.

  148. I lost my boyfriend on 10th feb 2018. It still feels surreal I lost him to a motor accident suddenly and violently. No one seems to understand how I feel. He was the love of my life. I was with him the night he died. He drove out and never came back. Some days It feels like the grief is about to consume me. Am in law school and I can’t concentrate. We had our whole lives planned out.

    • I lost my beautiful girlfriend Jan 28 in a car accident. I am more than devastated after thinking she was more than the right one for me. I have cried everyday and I can not even begin to think or want any other love to ever replace the love she gave me. I was the luckiest man in this world to have met such a beautiful that loved me how she did. She was 32 and I told her how I was looking forward to so much more of her time that I could not get enough of. I am shocked, more than devastated, and lost without her amazing and beautiful personality! It took me 40 years to meet her which was a once in a lifetime opportunity.

  149. i lost my man january 14 2018 after having stents put in
    he was fine.
    Thursday i checked on him sunday .10 am he was gone i am devastated
    But being christian believing in god christ and the holy spirit helps immensely
    i believe i will see him again god keeps promises.
    And its ok to cry our fathers weeps to
    I will pray for us all to have comfort
    Blessings to you all

  150. I have read all posts my heart breaks for you all .I lost my man january 14 2018.It is still so raw
    He was having chest pains off and on for a bit got so bad he went to emergency found out he had heart attack
    night before .kept him set up appointment for st marys in kitchener apptment wednesday.
    stents needed performed wednesday afternoon.
    home thursday did a cpl errands saturday.
    After dinner said he was tired went to bed at 9pm.
    i fell asleep on couch got up myself at 10am.
    thought maybe he was havin morning coffee in dinning room not there went to bedroom to check on him
    And he had passed. i love him and miss him everyday .But i to am christian and believe we will one day be together again.
    I pray for strength and love everyday from jesus and our heavely father and holy spirit.
    With all three i am totally blessed i will pray for us all

  151. Please watch ———-
    Living Without the One You Cannot Live Without
    This video is by – Dr. Natasha Josefowitz,
    My husband has moved to heaven.
    I am so thankful I found this video.
    I searched and searched, for help, thank God I have been guided to this video.
    She is saving me.
    She address my loss, my pain. She is someone who cares, which I need so desperately.
    I will be doing ok for a moment, then I run to the computer to watch the video, I thank her for the love she shared.
    I am sure she has saved many lives? Or at least restored to more then just existing, ——– to a point where they may be able to share a day with a friend.
    I hear people saying that time will come, I don’t see reaching that point, but I do so thank Dr. Natasha Josefowitz’s for her video, it helps with the gut wrenching pain, at least for a little while.
    God does have a plan, I wish we could understand.
    Please God hold us close and send your peace.

    • Thank you for pointing us to the video. I just finished viewing it, and Natasha Josefowitz hits on everything that will come up in your (our) life in the grief period. Very true for the emotions and thought process.
      I pray for your emotional healing. Sending hugs, take care.

  152. My name is Anthea (47) and I just lost my fiancé Edward (57) after a four year relationship on 29 December 2017. We were supposed to be married on the 14 February 2018 which makes this even harder. One moment we were spending an awesome day together, braaing, listening to music and laughing and the next thing I knew he was gasping for air and passed away in my arms. The hardest thing for me is waking up each day and having to go on as if things are normal when in fact it isn’t and not having the right support structure is even worse. I can find myself laughing one moment and crying the next, its as if im living in a different world, a world I cant seem to find myself in or understand. Im angry and im hurt and im frustrated and I just want my Edward back but he isn’t coming back and that is something I cant seem to deal with. He was my everything. He used to wake me in the morning with a cup of coffee and biscuits and cook supper for me and rub my feet when im tired. This is a loss I cannot begin to explain and the pain for me personally is of such a nature I sometimes want to end my life but then I realise that if I were to do that I wouldn’t get to be with him. I miss him holding me and telling me how much he loves me. When you lose a life partner, your best friend, you lose a part of yourself because I have learnt that no matter how hard you try life will never be the same ever again. All I want to say is that I loved this man with all my being and I don’t know if I could or would ever get over this pain im feeling. Thank you for this blog….. I appreciate reading others experiences and being able to share mine…God Bless

    • I think I speak for all of us, when I say, its a long lonely road to travel. Some days better then others.
      Hang in there, God has a plan.
      Sending hugs.

  153. I lost my love of just one short year on January 5, 2018. He died very unexpectedly and I just can’t stop crying. We had so many plans, both short and long term, and I still can’t quite believe we won’t be able do all the things we planned. I have fallen into a spiral of despair. Everyone tells me that it will get easier with time but at this point I just can’t see it.

    • The same happened to me but we were together for only four months, its so unbelivable, people tell me it was only 4 months I should be ok soon, but its just getting worse, never thought I could love so intensely, I send you a big hug, light and strenght!

  154. I never knew I could love so much. She is/was my world. God put us together!!!. She divorced in Alaska, moved back to Florida, divorced there and moved to her brothers in Maine. Then years later drove back to Alaska , to have the kids to be around their natural father., The natural father rented an apartment under me. None of us knowing whim the other was. Within 3 months of being neighbors , I proposed!!
    This was both of our third marriages!!!. She and I both had custody of our children, ( Yes ( MR MOM). Both of our ex’s had cheated on us. I can be of blame for #2!, She said she’d marry me only if nether of my parents were born in the month of MAY. ( Her birthday was MAY 1St, ( MAY+DAY MAY DAY. ) Why she said this , I still don’t recall. The look I gave her , Shocked her!. she just said, your are kidding? right?, I said dad’s is May 3rd and mom’s is May 30th. She said yes, I’ll marry you. I asked her why? She said.”I hate to date”!
    We where going to get married in March, But decided, Lets get married on New Years eve>!!This way since we are together, we will have a nice tax break for our family. ” Oh, so you are marring me for a tax break? :)) Well, she stayed with me for 25 years. until God had to call her home, on Dec 22, 2016. We sold our business in Alaska in May 2015, we sold the house in Aug 15 and she retired from Anchorage School district in Sept 15. She was a special needs bus attendant, and loved all her kids on the bus , year after year, was her extended family. we left Ak ( I had been there 63 years. she was a Floridian. When I first saw her, I said WOW she’s how and looks as though she could be a real BITCH. I was right in both cases. When she got mad, ohhhh. One day about 22 years later, she looked at me and said, you better leave for about 4 hours, Go see your friends. I DID NOT ASK WHY, I left, of course questions what I HAD DONE>, but again, no questions I asked, I left. Called her 4 and a 1/2 hours later, and asked if it was safe to come home, she said yes, and that She loved me. What ever, it was, I never asked!! We where madly in Love!! We anticipated retirement. we had a limo service, so almost every Friday and Saturday, was the business, and after Friday she was tired from all week at the school bus. When we would get together and do something special, we called it ” ( date night) even if it was a mexican restaurant for Fajitas for 2 and a couple Jack and cokes. we nicknamed it “Our watering hole” so for years we would frequent about every 2-3 months. We bought a timeshare in Mazatlan, we enjoyed it. We went to Florida many times, (That was her family) we never visited mine in Missouri, always hers.
    Most the time a coupke of kids would come, always the youngest!. HE got to do everything. ( he’s the baby!) he’s 28 now, still the BABY. We moved to North Georgia in Oct 15′. found a cute apartment a month later. In March of 16, we went back to Anchorage , ( we had kept a summer cruise line employee transportation contract. She got bored in July so, The man I originally drove limo for, asked if she’d go to Florida and drive up a rental car he had just bought. So SHe did, and went by Georgia and got the baby we had left there. He did not like the heat, he was raised in Alaska. So when she returned in July, she had a cough. She had driven through thunderstorms, and had AC on , so we thought may be pneumonia. went to family practitioner. After 3 weeks it didn’t get better. So he decided to order a CT scan. They found a spot on her lung. decided to do a biopsy. Now this is July 2016! 9 DAYS later, the office called and said her biopsy was benign. we hugged each other and cried with happiness!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thank you Lord Jesus!!!!!!. The VERY NEXT DAY!!!, the office called back and said, “We made a mistake, we looked at your biopsy from your breasts reduction in 2014. It’s malignant. we just looked at each other, NO A WORD SPOKEN!!!!), IN TOTAL SHOCK. So next a PET exam and found out she had 4th stage lung cancer, in nLymph nodes and moved to the brain. Had NO CLUE!!!!! I got a appointment at MD anderson in Houston, The #1 facility in the world. Nothing but the BEST for my love. She went though chemo then got pneumonia, beat that !. we did radition next for two weeks. We walked in on a Monday, and said, your heart beat is 224bpm. we need to keep you here for about 4 days and give you some herat medication, monitor it and then you should be able to go home and take this for about a month and possibly the rest of your life. This was on a Monday. At 5:30pm on Tuesday, she crashed in her hospital bed and the doctor came out a 1 1/2 hours later and said we got her breathing again, with the tube in her chest but I advise you to call family members. She was conscious during the day in and out, and I /we could talk to her. She would acknowledge with a node our raise her eye brows. we arrived on DEC 12 when they admitted her. I called the kids, We raised, some decided to come, others wanted to remember her as they last saw her. On dec 22 , I had to order the morphine to let her pass, as her organs where starting to falter. She died 4 hours and 20 minuted later after she was breathing on her own, SHE HAD A strong heart physically and mentally. 9 days before our 25 anniversary on New Years EVE. I was planning on proposing to her again. We moved into he daughters house in Houston. I paid 200 a month towards electric to help out for the ceiling fan and o2 machine. In Nov, she said that her husband and her decided that they did not know how long we where going to be there, but felt we should pay $400 a month for the room!. needless to say, we are not non speaking terms. Now for the after life YOU Need to know this. She comes in my dreams and I thank her for visiting and reassure her of my ever lasting deep devoted love. I had to take our BABY 28 TO jACKSONVILLE airport to fly home to Alaska, because I had driven directly to her sisters home the day after she passed. The day I took our son to the airport was NEW YEARS EVE, Dec 31 the day of our 25th anniversary. I NEVER hardly listen to the radio., SO On the way from the airport I turned on the radio, and of all the songs in the WORLD playing, It was by “Little River Band” HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, I almost crashed from the tears flowing form my eyes, She was talking to me from Heaven, It’s been just over a year, we lost her life insurance policy when we moved, Mine was paid, but hers lapsed,.A attorney is working on it. the doctors figured she had cancer for at least 10 years and We NEVER HAD A CLUE until the cough in July. So many memories make me cry every day! they were all great. I listen to Hall and Oates, ” Baby come bacK” etc. Its all those memories that keep me crying. I’ll be in the casino and I’ll just start crying. we had some many plans and its like all those years of running a business and working, just seem to disappear. I’m forcing myself to move on. We were going to the hospital one day and we had stopped and a flock of birds were on apower line. I told her, Look honey, Birds on a wire, she said, Looks to me more like a party line. So every time now I see birds on a wire, she’s there. I so miss my wife.

  155. My beautiful way passed away on January 23, 2018. She died of kidney cancer. I feel so lonely and sad. I wish I could be with her. Blessings.

  156. I just somehow found this site on the internet & I can relate to the article so much. I just lost my husband of 42 years on 12/9. He fell while walking our dog and hit his chest (not his head), and he was gone 2 1/2 weeks later. There was no brain injury, no stroke – but somehow the fall brought on Lewy Body Dementia full force. He had been showing what I thought was early signs of possible dementia or just aging (he was older than me, 77). He was never the same after the fall & he died from pneumonia & bacterial infection. He went from the emergency room to a nursing home & back to the hospital again. I am so devastated and feel like my heart is broken, and it is so hard to cope with. I cry every day. Thank God at least I have my son. It was so hard to see him change so much, and I guess the only positive thing is that it did happen so fast. I know he would not have wanted to live the way he was. I will be reading and re-reading your article. Thank you for writing it.

  157. I can’t believe I stumbled on this site. My husband of 36 years passed away in our home on January 1st 2018 at 8 p.m. one minute he was fine and the next my daughter was doing chest compressions and I was standing there screaming. Mind you my daughter and I are nurses and I couldn’t think what to do. He passed from a heart attack and I am not sure how to go on. I wish we could have saved him and I wonder we could have done better

    • Deborah SnellAnzaloneNovember 7, 2018 at 9:59 pmReply

      This was my experience. I thank you so much. I ask myself did I do it right? Could I have done more? Your message has comforted me. Thank you.

  158. I want to just say thank you to all of you who have posted on this site. I read this article and realized that what I am feeling is natural. I lost my wife, on Nov 26 2017.of 30 years after a 19 mo battle with small cell lung cancer. Some may say well at least you had time to say goodbye. but believe me, I was with her every day of that 19 months and it doesn’t help , nothing can prepare you for the loss of your best friend, your soulmate, someone who knew what I wanted before I could express it. I can’t remember a day that I did not tell her “I love you” for the 30 years we were together. But I still want to say it again and see the smile on her face as she says I love too! I walk through my house and each room is empty, just like me. I feel so alone and I know that I will never be the same. There is no way to prepare for this. I have my faith in God, but I have no focus in my life. I can only pray that I will see her again some day, on the other side of this life.

    • I really believe this is will be the case Bob. I too feel as you. My rooms are also empty, but at the same time full of lots of my Basia’s personality. She is still here and the home we shared and still share. I am thankful that I still have this sanctuary to go back to. Sometimes you may feel as if the most important thing has been taken from you, but in truth, no one can ever take that love you shared away. I am trying to use the love I was given and still being given to find some form of focus. It will come in time and your soul mate will be behind you at every step. We have to keep moving and I am sure that this is what they would want us to do. God bless Bob and thanks for sharing here.

    • I too, lost my husband to small cell lung cancer after a 16 month battle. We were married for 26 years.

      I share your sense of loss. It seems impossible to have a full life again. The time that we shared we told each other everyday that we loved each other and supported each other through numerous health crisis both his and mine.

      My house is empty and I’m so sad that he is gone and not here with me. It all seems so unfair. I know that death is part of life. But still it does not make his loss any easier to bear.

      I wish you peace and that we both one day will find happiness.

  159. To everyone here…
    I know not everyone here may be a believer in God or an after life, but one of the few things that has given me any comfort is my faith that my partner is somewhere safe, free from pain and together with her family who had already passed.
    You may think this is crazy, but there have been enough stories in my family of other family members whom have passed. My own experiences with these family members have convinced me this is the case. My Mother told me her father said to her in hospital before he passed; that she should never be afraid to die and that he was not as he had seen the other side.
    When my partner passed recently; things have happened in my home. I still feel her presence. Despite being depressed and lost; I still feel her strength pushing me on.
    I could blame God for taking her away from me, but I have to accept that I am still here for a reason and that reason will come to pass and may make sense in time. But I know that one day, we will be together again. I feel this in my heart.
    Some are taking too early, but in the end, we all go to the same place. One of the most important secrets I was ever told related to “I am the resurrection, and the life: he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live”. We all need to learn how to die in order to live again. But while we are alive, we need to live life.

    • Hello Simon,
      You are absolutely right in believing and having such strong faith, I too have faith.
      For those who have a hard time believing in a life after this one, there are so many books at
      the library that give you insight into this. eg. if I am allowed, An invisible thread by Alex Tresniowski,
      Waking Up in Heaven by Crystal McVea and Alex Tresniowski, Miracles from Heaven by Christi
      Wilson Beam. Those are just a few.
      My husband and I were soul mates, people cannot understand how I have been able to be so strong.
      I am not always as strong as I appear, but my strength comes in knowing that I will be with my husband
      again one day as I have faith in the promise of God. As God said, “Whoever believes in me, shall not
      perish but have ever lasting life”.
      As our outer bodies waste away, inwardly we are being renewed day by day. Do not fix your eyes on what is
      seen, but rather what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary but what is unseen is eternal.
      Corinthians 2
      God Bless you all with His grace and give you His peace.

      • Thanks Sylvie for your reply. I think it’s important to share with others our believe in the power of our human spirit. I am not a reader of the bible, but always had faith from a young age. I think in some ways this was shaped by the experiences I had with family members whom had passed. The most important thing I’m learning in this world is love. To give love and receive love from others is the greatest thing we can experience in life. If there’s one thing I’m certain of; it never dies. God bless and thank you for pointing me to some interesting reading.

  160. This article just hit me like a tonne of bricks. I lost my partner and father of my two young daughters on the 17 Nov 2017 a month after our youngest baby was born. He went in for a liver biopsy at the hospital that night he had internal bleeding and passed on during the night. I still can’t believe it. One minute we were talking the next he was silent. I miss him dearly, I’m lonely, I don’t work, I’m suddenly a single mom, I miss his laugh, hugs and kisses, his voice, the random drives he used to take me on etc. I’m devastated. I just wish for everyone here and myself to take comfort in the Lord.

  161. My handsome husband, Justin was diagnosed with AML on 7/10/17 with P53 mutation and complex cytogenetics. Justin was and still is a miracle though, and not just because he’s put up with me for the last 12 years. Just kidding. During his 7+3 chemotherapy, he suffered a brain bleed, unexplained high fever for over a week and was intubated, amongst other anomalies. What he went through was incredible, to say the least. He came out of chemo, weak but fighting harder than ever. His BMBX showed he was considered in remission. Because of the tribulation that he suffered at the hospital, he was not strong enough to withstand the chemo treatment that was required before receiving a BMT. I agreed, as did his cancer doctor. He then was placed on maintenance outpatient chemo, Decitabine to keep the leukemia away. It worked at first, but then we found out at the beginning of December that his last BMBX showed 5% leukemic blasts which meant that his AML had returned. Justin went in for routine labs and we went to meet with Mayo to get a plan together to get him into remission asap and get his BMT scheduled and completed. He went through his last cycle of Decitabine and he also went to the hospital a week ago due to extreme pain in his chest. He had to call an ambulance because the pain was so unbearable. While at the ER, they ran all kinds of tests to see what was causing the chest pain. They did a CT scan and it showed that his cancer had moved to the lymphnodes. We were made aware of this but had an appointment to discuss these findings with his cancer doctor the next day. They also diagnosed Justin with bilateral pneumonia. He went home on more medication to help fight the pneumonia. This past week he’s been so lethargic and out of it. I watch his lab work closely and I noticed his platelets dropping more than usual. I know chemo causes platelets to drop but not usually that fast. It also didn’t make sense why his platelets would drop but his white blood cells would increase. I noticed over the weekend that his injection site for his blood thinners was getting worse as far as bruising so I called his cancer care coordinator and expressed my concern about him not having enough platelets and she sent orders to the nearest hospital for him to have labs drawn and blood given, if needed. He went yesterday and his labs showed that his white blood cells went from a normal 11 to to an astonishing 40 and he had no platelets. White blood cell counts that high indicated that his leukemia returned with a vengeance, unfortunately. With this horrible news being said, he passed away on 1/5/2018 at 3 AM in my arms and in his mother’s arms. My husband is a true warrior and he fought harder than I’ve ever seen anyone fight. He’s a superhero and always will be, just like he will always be my husband. Forever. Oh, one last statement… FUCK YOU CANCER.

  162. I’m glad I found this article. This is the first time I’ve actually had the strength to actually write this out. My husband of 12 years and best friend of 17 passed away November 25, 2017 on my dad’s Birthday. He died suddenly outside of our home, from cardiac arrest and we are still waiting on results to find out how. My love was the most in shape person I knew. He went to the gym 3-5 days a week and was a personal trainer. He was helping so many young athletes and so many people looked up to him. Our marriage wasn’t perfect but he tried so hard. When he died I was in so much denial that it didn’t really hit me. He was 35 and I felt like there was no possible way this could be happening. We also had two services for friends and family and both services were completely packed and one needed police patrols. He was such an influence in our community and an icon. I have two children of his one girl and one boy and he also has an older daughter who is 16. It still seems so unreal to me, one moment I’m playing with him on the couch and kissing him goodbye, only to never hear his voice again. There are so many regrets I have about our final month together. I was really hard on him. I’m a tough wife. I miss him terribly and find myself retracing our last text messages almost daily. At times I try to trick myself into thinking he was a figment if my imagination, but he wasn’t! He was real and I miss him, but I don’t like feeling pain so my kids and I avoid discussing the manner of his death and even the fact that he’s truly gone. It feels like a sick practical joke. My faith is strong, and I know God has a purpose and plan for all of us. I pray for the strength and peace for all of you on here. It’s humbling to see so many people expericing similar grief.

  163. I lost my Wife, of 35 years , suddenly on Oct. 14 2017 . She was fine at 6pm and gone by 4 am . I think about her every minute of every day . I had to get a part time job , to keep my mind occupied . I still can not talk about her to others . Because I will get choked up . I really miss her .

  164. My boyfriend passed away last July 11, 2017. He just sleep that night and never wake up. He’s my best friend, my everything. I don’t know how did I live as for today. I miss him everyday.

  165. My husband, my sun and moon, the light of my life, my hero, passed away on Dec 21 2017. He was 47. He fought so hard against cruel, awful cancer. His service is 3rd Jan…happy New Year. I fought side by side with him, 2 1/2 years…we were best friends, inseparable. We got married 12 Dec, 9 days before he died. His wedding present is the coffin I needed to choose for him. The horror in my soul is agony…nothing matters. NOTHING MATTERS.

  166. I lost my wife on 3rd December to sudden, unexpected death and I still can’t believe that she is gone. We were married for 11 years and were trying to have a child for quite some time now. Finally she conceived this year and our beautiful baby boy was born on the morning of 2nd December and she was so happy. There was no problem with the delivery and she was kept under observation since it was a caesarean section. Suddenly on 3rd December morning she developed breathlessness, collapsed and never recovered. The doctors say that it is a rare case of pulmonary embolism (blood clot) in the lung that caused a cardiac arrest. Even the doctors are shocked.

    I can relate to a lot of points mentioned in this article. May God give all of us strength and serenity to cope with our loss

  167. I lost my fiancé suddenly a week ago. We were going to be married in 9 months. We were together for almost 4 years. I am so heartbroken and feel like a part of me died. It’s so hard and I dont know how to cope. I cant sleep or eat.

  168. I lost the love of my life at the end of October 2017. We were together for 10+ years and it was the happiest I’ve ever been. We had a hard battle together with my partners cancer, but we took ever step together and thought we would still have more time despite know this may happen. I never thought I would leave my partner to get her some shopping and come home to her gone. She called me to let me know something was wrong and we had an alarm in the home which she triggered, but the ambulance was too late. I have had 2 services/funerals in 2 countries for friends/family and now that I’m back home, back at work and it’s the Christmas and a milestone birthday on the horizon… I’m lost. Everyone has been great, but no one really understands how I feel. I trying and doing well, but it feels like the end of the world and I afraid of time passing without her. It feels like I’m sitting in the blast crater of a bomb and when I look down, there is a huge whole where part of the world was. She was that missing jigsaw piece and I really don’t think I’ll ever fill it again. Not sure I want to. Only time will tell I guess.

  169. Some points on this article hits really hard I lost my boyfriend three days ago he was murderd shot 28x we was supposed to go to longhorn on Saturday he was the sweetest man alive I ran out of tears to cry I just sit here now looking at his photo not sure of how to feel , we wasn’t by far perfect but we was perfect for each other I love and miss him so much it’s like a constant pain I’m scared I’m gonna live with for the rest of my life no one will love or know me like he did

  170. This article and all the points are spot on. The guilt of why i survived- to live for what. Will be 7 years on feb 26 when i lost my husband. Over a period of less than three years lost my mum, my dad and finally my life partner. My parents deaths paled in comparison. Still block out the memories, cannot see even his pictures etc as get panicky. Loosing your life partner is the worst thing that can happen. Life looses its meaning. Our daughter needs me and sometimes i feel i fail her as am still so caught up in my grief and no will to live. I thot working hard and keeping busy is the answer but of late realize its not a good escape.

  171. I lose my fiance November 1st 2017 we were together for 12 years and we have 11 year old son and a 7 year old son and I third son will be born December 28th 2017. He was a hard worker a great father and he was good to me. It hurt me to see my boys like this I’m trying my best to be strong so I want go into early labor. When my boys cry I cry this is so hard for us our life just change…

    • I am saddened to hear of your loss. .may God give you strength to endure…you are blessed to have your children and they live on with you.

      Take care.

    • Dear Ciara..I know the devastation. I lost my husband on 21 Dec, 2017. Hugs and blessings to you, my dear. No one understands the gaping hole that is your heart. 💔🖤

    • Ciara, I hope that you had a safe delivery of your 3rd son. I have just lost my.husband, and I have lost the light in my soul. Please know there are people who know your pain.

  172. I can completely correlate with this article – it is just like reading my inner feelings. Just lost my wife after a 21 years’ relationship, being high school sweethearts. She just collapsed in my hands, leaving our two kids without a mother. I only wish no one else had to suffer my experience.

  173. I completely relate to this article. I lost my boyfriend of 2 and a half years to addiction unexpectedly almost exactly 7 months ago. He was 23 and i was 20 at the time. Although we are young we knew in our hearts that we would end up spending the rest of our lives together and talked about marrying young. I got that feeling in my soul that our hearts just knew it was meant to be. I have tons of love letters and messages from him. I’m am very lucky to be so close with his family and visit often. It’s hard to explain and most people my age haven’t dealt with this great of a loss. I feel alone a lot. He was my rock and loved me unconditionally. I was lucky to have experienced such a love that is so rare these days. My heart aches everyday but i carry on for him. I have no choice but to be strong and i also have voicemails from him reminding me i am beautiful and loved. If there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s that life goes on and that we all grieve at our own pace. Many have tried to force me to let go but i can’t. At least not yet because i know he would have never let go of me

  174. hi i lost my husband of 34 years 31st may this year im so sad .he was 56 .had kidney cancer 12 and half years .terminal for 7 and a half.people say but you fought a long time and yoh have had time to get use to it.But no you fight all that time to survive him dieing never came into the equation .Its not being in denial its fighti g to survive.But we are so in love and ive just found this post and everything that you guys have said is so very true .Im trying to get through this for my sake for our kids and our Grandies and also as i promised my husband .but its such a hard deep process. I lost my brother at 25 to cancer in 1988 .and also we lost our wee Grandson in March this year .so at least i know He and My Husband are together ..

    • My dear, I have been a full time carer to my beautiful husband that I adored on 21 Dec 2017. I completely understand about not giving up. I have lost my best friend and the only man I felt safe with. My heart aches for you. Bless us. Xx

    • My dear, I have been a full time carer to my beautiful husband that I adored who passed on 21 Dec 2017. I completely understand about not giving up. I have lost my best friend and the only man I felt safe with. My heart aches for you. Bless us. Xx

  175. I lost my partner/boyfriend this year 12 April 2017, it’s funny when we met he quoted that he had admired me for 20years and always wanted to go out with me, however, I had been busy raising children and being married thought this is what I was meant to do. Meeting my partner of 3 and a half years was the best thing I ever did because I have never had a man protect and stand by me through thick and thin, however he kept his sickness a secret and when he found out in Feb 2017 it was aggressive, I felt so confused, cheated, lied to, but this never stopped me from loving him until the end, however he pushed me away when I found out about his cancer and called upon his ex-girlfriend to be by his side until he left this world. His whole family turned on me including our friends, to this day I don’t associate with them. But there was one thing he said when I visited him for the last time on my own, he was so confused and didn’t know what to do. I already knew what he was going through as I research all that was happening. These months have been so hard including returning to work, still running our family and paying bills, I miss him so much that somedays I don’t feel like moving on but I have to for the sake of the kids and grandchildren, people tell me to move on including some of our friends, I tell them to first experience how it feels and then tell me how to move on!

  176. Hello. I just lost my wife this past Friday, Nov. 3. We were married for 3 1/2 years, but were best friends for 20 years. She was my rock…my best friend…my soulmate…my cheerleader…my everything. I am so lost without her. All I want is to still be with her. The thought of spending my life without her is unbearable.
    I’m not a religious person, but all I can think of is whether or not we’ll be together forever in heaven. I have to think that we will…thinking we won’t is not an option and something I can’t even fathom.
    I just don’t know what to do…I am so lost without my love.

    • Michael,

      I do not know who you are, where you live and or anything about you, but I understand your pain, I just lost my husband and we were together 34 years. I am lost, I have been thrown into an emotional place I don’t know I can survive, He died October 24 of a massive heart attack, suddenly. I feel numb, sometimes crazy, it hurts to breathe, and I have no path. My life is not the same, and I know it will never be. I have lost my soulmate, the person who was my other half, this is the most traumatizing experience and I am sad 24/7. I am writing this with tears. I wish you luck on your journey, may you find a place of light and warmth and peace that is all we can hope for. All of my best.

      • Sitting here looking at my tablet out of all I read, your story for some unknown reason stuck out the most to me. Now I know you or anything but feel compelled to write this to you. See I lost my wife on February 14 2016. Oct 2 would of made 7 years together. One day I came home from work and laid down to take a nap with her and when I woke up she had already passed away right beside me. It’s no secret that I lost it and definitely went over the edge into a place where every kind of negativity was at. I felt robbed anger anxiety everything one person could feel all at once. For a year and three months I was just a empty shell and I have walked a very long lonely road on my own basically. I still fight with depression everyday. But on that lonely dark road there is a light at the end of it. People find different ways to deal with there grieving myself I went back to my roots and went back to my bible. There is days that I wake up and have no will to do anything. But what I have learned is that our loved ones who ever they may be wouldn’t want us to stop living all together. They would want us to live life to the fullest. I was only married 6 years but it seemed like a life time. No one could ever take her or there place again who ever they may be in our heart but they would want us to on. I write this to you but also I hope and pray that it helps others as well.

      • Anne, I am so sorry for your loss and can relate. I was married to my husband for 31 1/2 sweet years. I found him dead of cardiac arrest on the morning of Nov. 10th, 2016. I cannot function as a complete person anymore because it was he who made me complete. I cry every single day as I have since that awful day he was taken from me.
        Grief is a lot like fear. The tiniest problem or worry that I have or anticipate makes me want to call out for him. He was quiet and stoic and never feared anything. He was always able to sooth away my concerns. I was told it takes a year for grief to go through its cycle. I see no end in sight. If anything I miss him more each day. I hope my life is a short one now. I am 79 and too old too be resilient.
        I know this message is not one of comfort to you, but perhaps knowing others share the same level of grief that you do can help give you courage in some way.
        May we all in time learn how to stop crying, stop feeling the ache in our hearts and be able to laugh and mean it. My understanding and my sympathy is with you. Know that I understand as I carry the same heavy burden.


    • I wish i was close enough so that we could just cry together. The loss is unbarable, i know. But life goes on and we both have no other option than to live this through.

    • I understand completely. On the 23rd of October 2017 I lost the love of my life. We had been together off and on for 11 years. And he was the sunshine in my day and the fire at night that kept me warm. Even though it is so fresh I don’t know how to deal with it the way I should. I’m coming to these sites to find a little information on how I should be feeling. We were separated for a little while and I move back into town on the 18th of October and on the 23rd he was killed in a motorcycle accident. This was the man who can complete my sentences he’s the man who knew me better than anyone else. I’ve been married in the past and I’ve never had this type of love before no do I ever expect to feel it again. The only thing that gives me peace is that we will be together in heaven one day. Sometimes I wish those days would hurry the hell up so I can finally be happy again. On the upside I have a 22 year old daughter and a 12 year old son also a two-year-old grandson. And I know that going to be with him sooner than I’m supposed to is out of the question. I realize everybody is different in the grieving process I lost my father last year but this happening so tragic and suddenly I’m caught in it Shockwave of the should have could have would have.

  177. My husband died May, 24,2017. He had a stroke 3 yrs. ago. Then, 9 months ago, he started falling all the time. He’d been in & out of assisted living & nursing homes; from using a walker to using a wheelchair. It was so hard to see him going downhill all these months. He was diagnosed 6 months ago with having congestive heart & kidney failure. This last April, We were told he needed to go into hospice. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. After he went to the hospital may 21, I watched him dying till he took his last breath. We were married 43 years and I’d known him for 52 years ever since we were Jr’s in high school. I miss him so very much and feel so lonely ; I can’t believe he’s really gone I’m crying all the time and wish I was with him in heaven

  178. I lost my boyfriend very suddenly at the end of March, we hadn’t been together long only 6 months, we hadn’t got to spend all the precious years together but we had it all planned. We saw each other every day from the night we met. The night before Dan was taken ill was just like any normal night we had tea, and went for a walk together before bed, there were no signs other than he said he had some pain in his arm. I said we should go to the hospital and he laughed it off as growning pains…at the age of 28! The next day he got up and left for work as normal, on his way to work he Messaged me to say he wasn’t feeling well and would I pick him up, however I was too late on my way to pick him up he had a massive heart attack and was down for 50minutes with no heart beat. The ambulance passed me while I was sitting in traffic. He was taken to ICU for 2 days before being declared brain dead, the following day he donated what organs he could. I look back at those 3 days and can’t really remember it’s all a blur other than just sitting holding his hand praying for him to wake up.

    I wish I could have forced him to go to the drs or hospital the night before, it might have all been ok and still here with me if I did. The guilt consumes me, it’s like a contact weight on my shoulders that I could have saved him, could have prevented this from happening.

    Everyday I force myself out of bed and to work with my best fake smile, but underneath I’m a complete broken mess, with no sign of the light

    • I know how you feel, me and my fiance have been together for 10 months and on thursday oct. 26 2017 we got into a car accident. On the 29th he passed. The guilt still overwhelms me. I miss him and i love him every single day.

      • I’ve been told the guilt never leaves you; just gets easier to live with. I still cry for him Daily, miss him more than I thought it was posible to miss someone. I’m very sorry for your loss and must still be very Raw, i hope you are doing as well as you can be at this time, i think the hardest thing for me is that people think because we weren’t together very long that is be ‘over it’s by now, or that I don’t have a right to be as upset/heart broken as i am x

    • Your post stuck out to me, I know how you feel me and my boyfriend were only together for 1 year 2 months however I knew he was the one for me and he treated me like a queen, the way any woman would want to be treated he was the best boyfriend to me, and someone took him away from me last week by a senseless act of violence I don’t understand why and I can’t help but to think maybe if I was with him or even on the phone with him it wouldn’t had happen thoughts have my mind going crazy and I miss him so much it’s crazy, I’m still in disbelief it still doesn’t feel real, it helps to know I’m not the only one though and everyone on here is in my prayers ❤️

      • Hi, Please email me as i am going through the same kind of horrible thing right now…. my bf was taken away from me by a violent random act. I need to talk to someone that understands, so would be nice if you could contact me? 🙂 even if it’s a while ago it happens to you.

        Love Sabina

  179. We were together for 6.5 yrs. We were married April fool’s day 2017. She suddenly fell I’ll with a breathing issue. Visited the ER 5x in 20 days. Always treated for asthma
    She turned 27 on Valentine’s day.
    She collapsed on April 28 th of cardiac arrest. Was on life support until May the 3rd. Had to remove life support sue to quality of life issues.
    Our baby girl turned 3, two weeks later.
    It’s been almost 6 months and I’m still a wreck. Our daughter seems to be doing fine.
    I’m so lost.

    • So terrible sorry for your loss.
      I’m too having trouble with my fiancé’s passing, just want someone to understand, I would appreciate it so much xx

      • Ngaire…..I understand. I married the love of my life on 12 Dec 2017. 9 days later, I became a widow. No one understands the devastation. I am holding your hand, my dear. I do understand.

    • Wow I almost felt as if you were telling my story. My fiance started having trouble with breathing about 2 months prior, and we had went to the ER 3 weeks to the day before. I asked him that night if he wanted to go back, because he was out of his inhaler, had just done his last breathing treatment and it was midnight on Christmas so I knew that would be the only way to get any more meds. He said no because we don’t have insurance, and it really didn’t seem that serious, not nearly as bad as the weeks before when we did go to the ER. He said that he wanted to go outside to get some air, I agreed and went to talk to my mom about it, I told her I would give him 30 minutes and if he wasn’t breathing better I would MAKE him go. Well less than 30 minutes later I went outside to see how he was, and he was gone, I did CPR until the emts arrived, and then they tried for another 45 minute. But it was too late. I knew he was gone the second I saw him laying on the ground. But I STILL can’t accept it. My brain won’t let me accept it. It makes no sense. He was only 39 years old, and so FULL of life just minutes before. He was so excited for Christmas morning. I struggle every day to even get out of bed. How are you making any sense of it?

  180. I just lost my beautiful wife on my birthday, 9/12/65 unexpectedly. We were married 3 years and were together 6. I found her laying on our bed in the morning – she passed away from an aortic dissection that burst (aneurism). My 6 years with her with the best of my life, hands down and will miss her terribly. She was the love of my life, best friend, partner, lover and a huge giver to humanity. The world lost an Angel. The grieving process sucks but you have to deal with it and move on. It’s hard to understand why the Great Spirit would take someone who was so good to everyone away. This article is spot on. Thank you.

    • Peter, I’m so sorry! The loss of a loved one is truly indescribable. I hope you are doing okay?
      I lost my fiancé of 7 years (he was 32) but he was
      My bestest friend, my true soul mate. We don’t have to talk about it, but if you want someone who at least understands, feel free to message back xx

  181. I recently lost my wife roughly 2 weeks ago. We had been together for 10 years married for 4, both of us 27 years old. The day it happened I had come home from a 13 hour shift to find her already gone on the floor of our apartment, I had spoken to her maybe 2-3 hours before it happened around 12 pm. She passed due to a pulmonary embolism and I know that even if I had been home nothing could have been done, the coroner and everyone I know with medical backgrounds have all said the same thing that she was likely gone before she even fell down. There was so much I wanted to give for her still, I lived my life for her so I could be someone she was proud to be with and give her the happiest life I could. I feel guilty that I wasn’t home to be with her up until the end, and it hurts looking back that this was all the time we were to be given from the start.

    • I lost my common law husband around same time… Sept 8th, 2017….
      Even though we weren’t married. We never spent a day/night apart.
      I was right next to him when his death occurred due to a horse accident. I was supposed to save him… I know you wish you were next to your wife to say goodbye… It’s still not easy being in that situation….
      I am now a widow at 26…. he did everything for me. He was my teacher, shoulder to cry on, my strength, my best friend, etc etc… He was my WORLD.
      Anyways, Thanks for sharing your story being young.
      Find strength in the love you both shared.

      • Aimee, I’m so so sorry for your unexpected loss, horrific news.
        I wasnt married but my fiancé’s of 7’years passed suddenly in the early hours of the morning, I too woke up, failed at reviving him
        Which has been an ongoing battle for me 5 years later. Would you care to connect?

    • I am so sorry Justin i am going through the same my fiance died4weeks ago from a brain aneurysm i found him at home on the floor Drs said he wouldn’t have known anything and nothing that i or anyone could have done he was 47 and we had been together for8yrs i can’t accept im not going to see him again he was my best friend we did everything together now i can just about manage to get out of bed but then just sit on my sofa lost and empty i don’t know how to continue life without him! Wish we could all meet up to talk and help each other! Great article very true!

    • Hi there,

      I lost my Fiance suddenly on October 20th 2017. We live in Florida, but my Fiance was in Ohio for a business trip. The night before he told me that he was going to workout at 5 AM as he always did and then leave for his meeting at 7:30. I woke up out of my sleep at about 6 because my heart just knew something was wrong. I contacted his coworkers to get into his room to check on him and when they found him he was already gone. We still don’t know the exact cause of death because it will take 12 weeks for us to receive the toxicology report, but they do believe that his heart gave out after his workout.

      My Fiance, Logan, and I have been together for 3 years, but it feels like we’ve been together for an entire life time. We just bought a new home in August and we planned to be married in April 2018. There isn’t a second that goes by where I don’t think of him. I find myself questioning why? Why would God take a 28 year old man that had so much life and love left to give? Although, through all of this pain I’ve tried to find a positive light at the end of the tunnel. I have to believe that God put us together for a reason because that man really helped shape me into the woman I am today. During our relationship I learned that I love to travel, make people laugh, cook, be outdoors and cherish every moment in life. Together Logan and I were able to experience true, unconditional love ( a love that people search their entire lives for). I whole heartedly believe that my fiance lived out his purpose in life, but I recognize that there are more plans for me. Right now it feels like moving on with life is impossible because our partner isn’t physically with us, but they will always be with us in spirit. Continue to do what makes you happy and live every day for your loved one because one day you will see them again.

  182. Man…… the grief and pain are ….no words… Feb 7 2017 ….I lost my soulmate… BESTFRIEND…… We were to get married in March…now I am a single mother….this hurts…..

    • I to lost my fiance ‘ hardest thing next to seeing my children in the hospital following a car accident.
      We were to be married June of 2017. First date picked that didn’t work for our families was June 10th… second pick June 30. Had everything all set and ready, then a sudden shift in plans. A car accident 3 days after putting flowers on my grandma’s grave for memorial day, May 26th. Left him in a coma, his kidneys and liver began to shut down, that weekend while on life support. Upon releasing toxins into his brain the doctors told his parents they needed to make a decision. They took him off the ventilator and he was gone before 8 am June 9th. Worst pain I’ve ever felt, not being able to make that call, not being able to be his wife, and losing his family as in-laws before it even began.

    • Renjy I’d be happy to connect? There is a light I promise

  183. I loss my Everything! After 23 blessed years together, the love of my life passed away about 5 months ago. We were best friends and he was the best man I have ever met! My family is of no support and I have no friends… He truly was everything to me! I loss my Dad, son, brother and children’s father all year after year and he was there for me. He did everything for me and I mean everything… Shopping, cooking, cleaning and went everywhere with me! We were inseparable and now he’s gone! I wake up to find, at only 63 yrs. old, that he’s gone! What a shock and oh what pain! My family has been of no support and his family now does not speak to me for they will not even let me have his ashes, which I became upset. I could not even go to his “Celebration of Life! He was my only friend! I am completely and utterly alone! My son, 30 yrs. old, committed suicide Sept. 2, 2014 and the following year my brother, 53 yrs. old, died in his sleep of possible heart attack. Now March 16, 2017 the man I loved died too! What am I to do? I had a heart attack, Dr. says due to his loss. Then I had to have major heart surgery. Now I am trying to find why I am I left alone with no one to care if I am even alive?? He helped me with all the others death’s, especially my son’s but no one is here to help me with his! I mean I physically have family but they are of no help for they have their own lives and live in another state. No one knows what it is like until they are completely alone, which I now am. I have begged my family to help me but al for nothing!. I am just more alone then I have ever been in my life and don’t know where to go or what to do…

    • Look up Griefshare or some other group that helps people deal with the loss of loved ones. The group has a workbook and meets for several weeks. I went for my first time after the loss of my husband and met others who are suffering too. You might meet some new friends.

    • I am so sorry for your lost . I also lost the love of my life.i know how you feel and I am 61 and lost my wife in July. I don’t know what to do,or how to go on without her.she was my everything and now I am doing the same thing you are. I am going through this alone. I am so sorry for your loss. I don’t know your name but mine is mark.if you need to talk I will listen.

    • if you need some comfort and support, I recently lost the love of my life on nov 16,2017 due to a clot in his lung after neck surgery. Im dead inside.520 304 6358

  184. Four months ago I lost my husband of 41 years. We had known each other for 51 years, since I was 15 and he was 17……basically all our lives. He had been ill for a year, but he was on a transplant list, and we had every reason to believe he would once again be well. His health worsened quickly, but his death was still unexpected. I had left the hospital to run home, take a shower, and feed his beloved dog. He went into cardiac arrest while I was gone, and he was revived once again after I got there. The doctors still thought he might make it. It was not to be.
    Every single point on your list is absolutely true. Reading all the comments is somewhat comforting because I see that I am not alone in how I feel. I don’t expect to ever “get over” the loss of my best friend and the love of my life. I’ve barely started to accept his death. I feel lost, empty, devoid of hope for any joy to come. I am thankful for my faith, my children, and for our little dog. Thank you all for bearing your hearts and souls here. It helps. God Bless.

  185. I, too, lost my significant other ‘Fiancé’. Unfortunately, we didn’t share years together like the rest of you, but we had planned for it. He died 2 weeks ago, and I’ve never cried daily so much in my ENTIRE life. He was 29 and I’m 27. I know there’s people encouraging me to take my time, but eventually move on and everyone is saying “He would want that!” Assuming what he’d want, but yes, he’s the type of guy that always wanted to see me happy. Moving on is the least of my worries, it won’t happen anytime soon whatsoever. I waited my whole dating life to find a man who is compatible with me and most of all a CHRISTIAN. He was everything that I prayed for and more. He had a sudden death, but I’m very aware that he did have health problems such as a blood clot and a seizure. He was also under a lot of stress and that complicated his health more, but then again this was apart of God’s plan and I have to accept that. My life feels upside down, cause we wanted everything together in life and in the blink of an eye it’s gone. I felt regretful, because days before his death I noticed he started breathing heavy. I inquired and he kept saying “Probably, just need to lose a little weight” which I disagree with. He was muscular but not overweight. Anyway, I still supported him on that as I just wanted him to do his best to be healthy. There were so many things he wasn’t able to do because of his health, he wasn’t even supposed to be taking hour walks but he did. I still believe God wanted him back and I am hurting but I can’t be mad. By the way, all that’s grieving please just pray to God for healing. I know there’s a lot of people claiming to be Mediums and Psychic. We all want to hear from our loved ones, especially significant others cause if you’re like me you feel like you serve no purpose, thats the devil that wants you to feel useless. God still needs you to do his will, before you can leave this Earth. Do not contact those Mediums and Psychics they are not your loved ones, those are dark spirits and right now you all will be an easy target in a vulnerable moment. God Bless!

  186. Last week I lost my husband of 31 years. His death was sudden and unexpected. My heart goes out to each of you who have lost your spouse. I cry for myself, for my children who lost their father, and for those who never had the chance to know him. He was my world, the love of my life, my soulmate, my best friend, my mentor, and an unending source of joy in my life. I don’t know how I will cope without him. I want to be with him so badly. I miss him so much.

    • Hello Christina
      Your so not alone, I lost my lovely partner and mum of our 4 year old boy in October 2016, I’m going through a very torturous time at the mo, constantly thinking about her and all the happy times we had as a family, now it’s just me and my boy, trying to bring him up as she would have wanted, and it hurts so much to see him playing happily and not really knowing where she is, especially as he going to start Primary school this year, a date I know my partner was so looking forward to seeing.
      Still so very painful, and I can’t really accept she’s gone even though I know she has.
      It would be nice if all who have posted could get together for one big comforting group hug !

    • I know you made your post two years ago but I was at my husband’s funeral 3 weeks today . I was reading your words and honestly it was like I wrote it. Every word you said, I have said and the pain is horrible. I hope you are doing much better than two years ago. We will never stop missing them we were married 56 years.
      I hope you have found some kind of happiness. Charlotte Miller

  187. Last week I lost my husband of 31 years. His death was sudden and unexpected. My heart goes out to each of you who have lost your spouse. I cry for myself, for my children who lost their father, and for those who never had the chance to know him. He was my world, the love of my life, my soulmate, my best friend, my mentor, and an unending source of joy in my life. I don’t know how I will cope without him. I want to be with him so badly. I miss him so much.

    • Cristina,
      The love of my life and my best friend was gone a years down a hard ago and I am still missing her everyday. We started as high school sweet hearts and we were together for 42 years. I am still struggling relaunching my life but that is what she wanted me to do, living and maybe finding happiness again. Good luck, breath deep and a step and a day at a time.

  188. I lost my husband unexpectedly 15 days ago. I waited 46 years to find my soul mate, my first marriage, and now my life is completely upside down. I know I will miss him for the rest of my days and will always love him, but does it ever get easier? I’m 50 and I feel like my life is now over. I have read so many blogs and websites about losing a spouse or soul mate, and hardly any seem to give me hope that I will ever love again or have any meaningful relationships. They are all doom-and-gloom. I know we are all different, but is there anyone out there who has gone through this and has had any sort of positive outcome in their life? PS: I don’t have children ( 2 older step sons who pretty much have their own lives), and don’t have a close-knit family for support. I just feel lost and hopeless about the future. My husband was my world.

  189. I recently lost my wife suddenly on June 21, 2017. She had a small stroke on June 17 that was successfully treated in the emergency room with a clot buster medication. We were told she would spend a few days in the ICU step down unit and then come home. On June 19, she had another stroke that was massive. She was put on life support. I was shocked. Three years ago, we completed healthcare directive forms were we made clear our wishes in the event of a catastrophic illness or injury. if there was to be no quality of life then we did not want any advanced life support procedures performed. On June 21, after reviewing the CT and MRI scans with the doctors, I asked them to shut off the ventilator. She passed away two hours later. We were married 20 years. I feel as if my heart has been ripped apart. I have worked as a fire department paramedic all my life, so death is no stranger to me. The grief I am experiencing right now is being belief and comprehension. I feel as if I cannot go on.

  190. I lost my husband 8 months ago and am still trying to come to grips with the reality of losing him. He spent the last few years in hospital, and I was with him every day after work, as well as the weekends. I am lost without him and one of the most agonizing things for me, at the moment, is the feeling that I can’t “protect” him anymore, or make sure that he is comfortable, as I was constantly advocating for him while he was hospitalized. I wanted him to experience beauty, the excitement of life, and be surrounded by love and support always. I can’t help him anymore, and it’s killing me. I want him to know that he is loved, and missed terribly, so I talk to him constantly, in the hopes that he can hear me. I want to believe that he can, so that gives me some sense of peace. I was honored to be his wife, and we so fully appreciated each other. I was lucky to have him for as long as I did (22 years). I am relating 100% to all the comments that I’m reading from everyone who has and is suffering through their loss. It is truly enormous and I feel for you all.

  191. My husband died at home on hospice exactly 1 month ago yesterday. I can’t cry. We loved each other so much and were all each other had but I just can’t cry. I feel like if I start, I won’t stop. There is so much to do and everyone I know thinks I am doing fine because I didn’t cry. They tell me I am so strong and inside I just want to scream. They tell me this is my new normal and I just have to get used to it. He was funny and strong and never let life get him down. Everyone who knew hiim, loved him. The house is too quiet and the bed too empty. I just miss him!

    • Dear No-crying,
      As I had to be the strong one during my loved wife fight with cancer, I promised her not to cry until she had gone. A year and a half later I moved to the other side of the world and I finally have started crying. I read that crying is not because we are weak, it is because we have been stronger for way too long.
      I might tell you that crying have left me relieved, and still missing her a lot, but relieved, and extremely sensitive. When will it stop, I do not have a clue, but at least the words that I wanted to tell her as goodbye were finally said. Good luck for you. Hope you find your tears someday soon.

  192. My husband died 1 year and a half ago. WE were married for 13 years and in love for 24. All of these points are exactly right. He was just as perfect for me as he could ever get. I wish so much …him.
    How in the world am I supposed to get over being Queen and being adored? He always said, “Happy wife is happy life”. Well wife ain’t happy.

  193. Hello Paul,
    I feel your pain by how you have expressed loving and missing your wife. Not many people (men) are brave enough to put that raw emotion out there. But guess what, that is part of the healing process. Maybe not so much “healing” but it is a process.
    I am sorry for your loss. Sounds like you and your Beagle need to take some long walks together. Look around at Gods beauty, breathe in the fresh air, enjoy beautiful sunsets and know that you are still here for a reason. Take care my friend…

    • Thank you, Sylvie. We have taken many, many walks together but she is a “senior” dog now so I need to prepare myself for yet another loss within a year or two.
      While the walks help I cannot let go of my grief–I feel that familiar pain every day and instead of diminishing, the loss is more pronounced now than it had ever been in the past. I truly feel that I will never be able to move on from this loss.

      • Just reading the posts as it will be a month since my husband of 28 years passed away unexpectedly. I’ve been very weepy today but was so worried about you when I read your posts. Please let us know that you are ok and still progressing through this torture that we are all trying desperately to navigate through. I hope that things have got better for you.
        I miss my husband terribly. I feel that I also died that day as I am a totally different person now, so lonely and fearful and lost.

  194. I would like to clarify one thing about my post. I re-read it and some may get the wrong impression. In no way was I advocating or condoning taking your own life. I was simply trying to say that it is normal to think about it but it is NOT normal or ok to act on such thoughts. The first time I thought about it I thought there was something wrong with me but my therapist explained that it is normal to have such thoughts, but it is not ok to do anything. As hard as the last 2 years have been I would never seriously consider such a thing because I know my wife would never want me to do it. So as hard as it is I take one day at a time and have the belief that there is a reason for everything, no matter how wrong it seems nor how painful it is.
    Apologies for any misunderstanding.

  195. First, this truly is an amazing site. When I read many of these posts I realize that there are others who understand just how devastating it is to lose a spouse. I just wish there were more posts by widowers because I think there is this misconception that husbands somehow are able to suck up better than wives and nothing could be further from the truth.
    My wife passed away from a chronic illness on 12/2/14, almost 6 months to the day after my mother passed away in our home after 2 years of caring for her even though she had no idea who I was due to her Alzheimer’s.
    My wife and I were married for 23 years and there wasn’t a day that went by that I didn’t thank God I was married to her. She was the funniest, kindest and most wonderful person I ever met.
    It’s been over 2 years and I still cannot get through a day without crying. That hole in my soul will never be filled and that pain can be so searing at times that you would do ANYTHING to have them back–even joining her in death. If anyone here says they never thought about it I don’t believe them. C’mon, we all have thought about it, but thinking and doing are 2 very different things. And yet to even consider it tells you just how devastating of a loss it is. A loss which, at times, is unbearable.
    There are times when I miss her so much that I don’t know how I will make it through the day–but I do. Then night comes and it starts all over again when I crawl into bed and have no one to spoon with–no one to share what we used to call the “best part of the day”. My heart breaks every night when I go to bed alone; when I reach for her and there is nothing to hold; no neck to kiss and no drifting off to sleep knowing that I am the luckiest man in the world.
    There are so many days when I feel like I am just going through the motions as time passes. This isn’t living–it is merely existing. Unfortunately I have no support system with the sole exception of the only other one who has been with me through all of this and without whom I surely would have shuffled off thus mortal coil: my Beagle. I truly believe that dogs are God’s perfect creature: they give unconditional love and ask for so little in return. I would not have made it this far without her.
    Please, for those of you who don’t have a pet please consider getting one. I am one of you and can tell you that having a dog is the one thing which makes all this bearable. Thanks for “listening”.

    • Hey Paul, my wife just past may 18th and buried her on June 1st from brain cancer at 51. We dealt with since November 4 th 2016! You have described me to the T!!! Everything you feel and go thru is exactly the Same. Only instead of a dog I have a 6 yr old grandson & a 7 year old granddaughter we been raising for the last 4 years that I put on a fake smile for everyday! I think everyday of joining my wife, I can’t and won’t take my own life, but I do welcome the thought of someone else doing it,, like a truck crossing over into my lane, but I have the children!!! I often think what my beautiful wife would want me to do, but I’m just so lost without her!!! We had the Love I think only a few of us ever have! I would like to connect with you sometime I think talking with someone with so much in common might help us both! It’s my first time on this site. You can email [email protected] thanks for sharing your personal feeling and pain, your definitely not alone brother!


    • Hi Natalie- Our site is dedicated to coping so there are many posts on how to being the long process of coping. If there is something specifically you want some support with please let us know and we can point you in the direction of some articles that may help.

      • Ok, agree with Natalie, all 28 points are completely true but like she says, ‘now what’? I guess read about coping……Thanks for calling out my grief.

  197. WYG is one of the only places I can visit where I feel people truely understand the depths of pain we all endure losing loved ones. My heart goes out to you Rebecca, such as loss is life changing and excruciating. My tears are flowing as I write because I share your pain of a lost sweetheart, my husband left me with my two young boys, in death last year. It hurts everyday.

    Please look after yourself, it’s so important.


  198. Wow – I can’t believe I just found this site. What an amazing article and so spot on. My husband died 15 years ago – I was 32 years old, he was 36. Our oldest son was just shy of 3 years and our second son was only 6 days old. I didn’t even get to grieve properly – just went right into taking care of the children. I found healing and comfort through my support group and we are all still so close – “sistahs”. In fact, we started a local grief resource center with the sole purpose of being there for others who are grieving – there are so many of us out there – no one has to be alone on this new journey – it’s Life A and Life B and so many times, Life B sucks. Prayer and exercise helped a lot too. I used to say this to myself over and over “The Lord is close to the broken-hearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” There is also an amazing book by Tom Zuba “Permission to Mourn” – it’s like having a conversation with someone who truly gets it. I wish for healing for everyone on this site – death is never easy and most especially when it happens suddenly, violently and way too soon. Sending hugs to you all…

    • I want to thank everyone for this site, it has been truly comforting(which isn’t easy to do these days) It will be 2 weeks tomorrow without “The love of my life”, passed suddenly in a motorcycle accident. What makes it more heartbreaking; not only do I mourn the loss of him at home we also worked together, so I have the loss of him there too. I haven’t been back to work yet , I just can’t grasp the thought that I wont see him walking into my office , Or him giving me a kiss before leaving my office. I just feel like I can’t go on without him!!! My heart is filled with so much emptiness and sadness. It’s my hope with everyone’s post I will receive comfort in my days to come.

  199. Sorry I noticed my email was incorrect it’s only one t and I corrected it below

  200. This was a wonderful article to read and my son at age 33 passed away on 8/17/2016 and his birthday is on Halloween and I’m just learning to get through a day at a time with God seeing me through

  201. I agree with everyone, very specific and spot on with this. I too had trouble reading all the way through. It was one of those quick and powerful cry’s. It’s #28 that I found to be the one that bugs me a lot. Unlike a lot of others I have no desire or intention to find a new mate. Paul was it for me and I have trouble wrapping my head around being alone the rest of my life. I say out loud those words, “I can’t believe I’m solo now”. It’s lonely.

  202. My husband passed away 5/8/16 at age 77. We had 61 years together, married 57 yrs. I know I should feel blessed to have had a lifetime with my best friend, first and only love and soulmate. Our lives were so deeply entwined. But, unfortunately, the longer and deeper the relationship the greater the heartbreak. He was my rock, and my very strength was derived from him and his constant love and protection. I am now 79 and have accepted the fact that I will never get over the loss. He was my entire live and my reason for living so I must live out the rest of my days grieving for him and praying that God will eventually reunite us for eternity !!!!

  203. I loved the article, so spot on. I lost my husband three years, six months ago today. We were married 38 years. In my quest to understand grief, I discovered that we grieve because we love. The more we love, the greater our grief. We all have our story to tell. I recommend a book, I have read that has altered my life and my faith in God. “Beyond The Broken Heart”. Julie Yarbrough. I take my journey day by day.

  204. I am so sorry to hear of your loss and also your financial worries.
    I hope all goes well with your disability application. My husband has been gone for a year and a half and I miss him terribly…I sold the house in order to have less bills to pay and simplify my life. Also when you live in an apartment you have security and many people around you to talk with. But you have to make that first step, so be strong.
    I am sending you Birthday Wishes and a hug. :o)
    You aren’t alone in the world, but you will feel that way if you don’t venture out even if its just for a walk or a coffee. Don’t segregate yourself from people, talk to them, they may know other people to give you ideas and help.

  205. This described me perfectly! My husband of 23 years passed away 2 years ago and today is my birthday- October 25th and I’m really wishing he were here with me! Everything has gotten harder since he’s been gone! He was my best friend, my only friend. I’m so lonely without him, but I don’t want to have to start dating again at 48 years old. I’m worried about finances because I never worked. Now if I don’t get approved for disability, I will have to find a job. I’m scared of this new life and being alone and depressed the rest of my life! ???

  206. Every single thing that was listed is so very true. I could see myself in all 28. I lost my best friend, my lover, my confidante, my precious husband, over a year ago and my grief is more today than it was the day that he died.

  207. You left out financial partner. When my husband died, I lost 2/3 of the income that had been coming in. Because of that, I was unable to pay his hospital bills (he had no insurance) and had to file for bankruptcy. He would never have wanted that for me, but he had always said he would never go to a hospital so he didn’t think it was important. Thus, I had that additional stress on top of my loss. Somehow I made it through, but it was so hard. (BTW, I love this blog but the grey type is really hard to read. It would be so helpful if you could bump it up to be darker.)

  208. This is an AMAZING list. SPOT ON. I lost my husband of 9 years to suicide September 2015. Thank you for this list. I will be sharing it on my FB page. Thank you, Nik Tebbe.

    • i just lost my boyfriend to suicide on the 12th. i’m 16 and in the 11th grade. i didn’t get to him in time and i blame myself for it. do you ever get over that grief or fill the hole the place in your heart?

  209. We’d been together 8 years and last Christmas was our first together (lived 3 hours apart). The celebration was never to come, as he died from a massive heart attack in the wee hours of Christmas morning. Being ‘just the girlfriend’ somehow feels like people expect my pain to be less. I find myself feeding in to that, pretending that I’m ok-er than I truly am. I find that reading this list was validating. To see so many of my feelings in black and white, assures me that I’m not alone, and not crazy.

  210. Hello Jackie, my heart goes out to you.
    I understand where you are coming from and I also understand when you say your family is disengaged. I have two children who are both married. One lives far away with children of her own and I understand she is busy with her own life. She does call me, but its not the same as being here.
    The one here doesn’t have time to hear how I feel, as he keeps himself busy, so he doesn’t have to deal with the loss of his father.
    That’s unfortunate, as at one time we were very close, so now for me, I feel I have lost twice.
    Sending you hugs as I know how it feels to be alone in the world after having a loving mate who I was sure would be with me for many more years yet.

  211. This is an amazing site. I lost my husband of 48 years 2 yrs ago and I cannot move on. Our family is “disengaged” to say the least so I’m on my own. My husband & I were a life long team and conquered all our family obstacles….without him I’m lost and not motivated. However this site shows me that I am not alone in grieving and we all are working thru the pain that encompasses our lives. I will be back & thank you……I need this.

  212. thanks for something to help me cope

  213. My heart breaks for you, the loss of your loved one and the terrible way he died. My husband has been gone for over a year and I still break down. Life is strange as to why these things happen. But you will continue to find strength and be surprised to see where it comes from. Again, I am so sorry for your loss. Sending hugs and a shoulder to lean on.

  214. My husband was killed in front of me on 5/10/16. We saved a woman from being stabbed to death in a restaurant. We went out to enjoy a dinner and a movie and never made it there. The reality that he is never going to walk in my door again, walk down the hall, bring me a cup of coffee in bed hurts me so much, I can barely breathe. The pain is overwhelming. My throat hurts, my chest tightens, I cry uncontrollably, my head swirls and my heart and gut break into a million pieces – this happens daily now. I thought I was doing so good with it all. I was busy building his legacy with his beloved students so they wouldn’t be overwhelmed and sad that I guess I didn’t want to grieve. So now, it’s all hitting me. I went to dinner at a restaurant the other day, (I still can’t bring myself to cook in my house – I did that for HIM – EVERYDAY!) there were 6 older couples there – I broke down and had to leave for a “breather” I wanted to grow old with my husband! I sucked it up and went back in, and laughed all night with one hot ticket of a woman! Bottom line is, my husband is gone. I miss him dearly! I can’t bring myself to think of what’s going to come so I deal with today and today only.

    • Oh Rosemary, I am so sorry. What a devastating and traumatic event to have gone through. It is very common immediately after a loss to be in a state of shock or numbness. It can then be shocking, confusing and overwhelming when this begins to shift and other intense emotions flood in. Your comment brought to mind a number of other posts we have that may be of support. I have linked them below – I hope they are of some help.

      Grief After A Traumatic Loss
      The Myth of Keeping Busy
      Crying In Public

      I hope you find our site to be of some support in the weeks and months to come. Take care.

  215. So traumatic, so final, so cruel.

  216. Wow, that’s my life exactly , tomorrow is the first anniversary of my husband’s death . He was the most unique loved by all kind of man , we spent 25 years together as he was 28 yrs my senior , being the soul mate to him gave my life so much meaning , the life he had had before me he said was very incomplete . When we met we never parted.. pancreatic cancer ravaged his body in 74 days … he was the oldest of 8 siblings he had 7 children I had 2 we had one … as you can tell a very large family …. the tacky , unkind behavior took place as soon as his body left our house , and there I was surrounded by a large number of folks who quickly let evil or ugly rear it’s head … what I am trying to say is the only way I’ve gotten thru has been the deep strong relationship with Jesus .. I sat back in hopes they would come back to the people I had called my family as well for 25 years … WRONG , so I will be removing each and everyone if the change didn’t come after one year it’s never going too is it?? Broken and confused. The gap in our ages never meant a thing to me but he was 78 and I just turned 51 … help me move on… I don’t know where to start. Thank you and thank you all for allowing me to share my heart …

  217. After 5 1/2 years my life still feels so surreal at times….Sometimes I still feel shocked that the universe saw fit to separate us after only 16 years…I waited so long for my true soul mate …he was my everything …if we have a thousand lives, I want to be with him in every one of them. I’m functional…i work at a nursing home…I laugh and goof off with my co workers and boss and I love the residents and focus on making their days a little better if I can ….working there has been good for my soul…but once I get in my car to head home my mind starts to wander…the littlest thing can trigger memories of moments in time when he was alive and my world was right regardless of life’s ups and downs…I can feel the way I felt back then…I’m there for a moment and it’s so lovely…and then it’s gone and my reality smacks me in face….again. I have a male friend that I see occasionally…he’s very nice…very understanding…a good ear…but as much as I appreciate his friendship he is still just a band aid over a bullet hole that never really stopped bleeding and we both know we’ll never be a real couple…So…Ive learned to coexist with my grief and mask the fact that I still cry almost every night…five years has done nothing to diminish my love or yearning to just be with him..or question why this happened to us…I feel cheated and defeated knowing I’ve already lived the best years of my life….that I will never feel that care free happy love I experienced when we’d steal a catnap together…

    I appreciate that I can articulate my crazy here without being told time heals all wounds ( because it’s a lie ) or he would want me to be happy ( I know that ) I gave up trying to find a site that doesn’t try to sugarcoat the bitterness of being stranded on the planet without my soul mate or make me feel like I’m mentally ill because I’m heartbroken..and there’s nothing I can do about it. So thank you for providing a place to vent and caring about others who are grieving in spite of your own. I know it’s not encouraging to hear that sometimes there’s just not much light at the end of the tunnel…I am sorry any of us have cause to be here…it’s a rough ride….

    • I understand your pain. Most the Lewis ‘ve of my last few after only 7 years together. Most days are ok but then other times the wave of emotions just overwhelm me. I am blessed to live in a active retirement community and I attend a great bereavement group. Don’t know how I would get through this without them. As many changes as I miss Ben I am so grateful for the years we had together. He was my soulmate and I know he is still with me.

    • The love of my life ended his life on May 3rd. we were actually divorced (his decision) and it was ‘officially’ 1 year apart at the end of April. He was still my best friend, and despite the divorce, we remained close – talking or texting every day – all I ever wanted was for his happiness, and he thought he could have that without the marriage…..My emotions are all over the place. People I talk to tell me how much he loved me. I know he is at peace, and finally free from anxieties and all, but frankly, life without him sucks – he was the person that I would talk to about everything – he understood me, and I him. I don’t know why things happen in our lives, but believe there is a bigger plan, and pain is part of it, so we can appreciate the joy when we have it – I just feel so alone, even though I have friends and his family is being wonderful. We are preparing for two services – one coming up and another will be in Florida, where we lived. I live in NC now. I just want to know that he is ok – I do believe that the soul and spirit are still around, and he had the most beautiful spirit. I read so many of the posts here and feel so sad that there are so many of us with this huge hole in our hearts. I too cry daily and have accepted that too – if people think I should just ‘get over it’, well, that’s their issue and I really don’t care – I want to live a good life, I know he would want that, but I ask myself if I will ever be as happy as I was in our good years, and I know that was a special gift and we went through a lot to get there….so grateful I had that, not many people do. I’m 54, I also have MS, so what a package I am – although, I am one of the lucky ones there too, as I work full-time and am mostly ‘normal’!! I know that grief is a ‘process’, but I don’t agree with the ‘time heals’ – I fear that this ache will be with me and I will just need to make room for it and accept it as part of my normal….thanks for this site and for having an outlet…

  218. I would like to say “Thank you” to everyone who has opened their heart in the above messages. They are such a comfort to me in my grief, just knowing that others feel my pain and fears. I often feel almost crazy with longing for my Pete and the pain is really physical but it helps me to read that what I am feeling is not unusual. God bless us all

  219. I can relate to all of the above.

    8 days ago I returned from a night shift, climbed into bed and kissed my partner then went to sleep.

    1 hour later my daughter found her collapsed in the bathroom.

    4 days ago my family and I gathered around after her ventilator was turned off and watched her slip away.

    I am new to grieving and I don’t like it.

    • Oh my gosh, my sympathies to you and your daughter. There are no words to express the loss you both are feeling right now. Whatever you do, don’t shut down.
      Reach out to your daughter, as I am sure she feels so lost right now as well. Spend time with friends and family and they will give you the strength you need to get through one day at a time. Take care and God Bless.

  220. Thank you for this real post. I’ve read no other piecde that has hit the nail on the head more than this one. There is quite a bit of grief material that one can find, and I’ve found a fair amount, and this article is at the top. Though I’m fortunate to have a wonderfully supportive family, support network and community, the grief is overwhelming. My husband passed six years ago and it is still like yesterday. After just selling our family home and moving into a home where my husband will not physically live, he is still with me every moment. I’ve learned to keep his love with me while opening my heart to new emotional attachments. His love will never leave me but after some time, I’m comfortable accepting the affection and connection with new romantic partners. In an odd way (with no guilt), it’s interesting to date in my 50s. My kids – 20 and 23 – are still my focus and I try hard to carry on the memory of their dad. As they mature, they are still processing the loss of their dad.

    Thank you for posting grief articles that keep us thinking, sharing, healing, hurting but still thinking. The grief process is endless and ever evolving.


  221. My beloved husband died 17 days after suffering a stroke in Florida. After coping alone for the time he was ill and also the cremation abroad,I fell apart mentally and physically and two years later I have not regained any will to live. Also,my friends,initially supportive, seem to think that I should be OK after two years and their sympathy is definitely waning. I sometimes think bad thoughts such as ‘I wonder how they will feel when it happens to them’. People tell me to focus on the good memories but they make me sad too as we had a really close good marriage. Sometimes I think it would have been easier if our marrIage had not been good

    • Hello Isabelle, I am so sorry for your loss. My husband has been gone for almost a year and some family members think I should be over it already. What they don’t realize is a part of us has been torn away. We will never be the same and no one should expect us to just pick up and move on. Not going to happen. We all grieve differently. I may seem happy at times when I am around other people, but when I go home alone, they do not see my sorrow. It’s mine and I own it. I too loved my husband very much, but for you to have lost him and have had him cremated abroad has definitely not given you the right amount of time to grieve properly. Everything sounds like it was rushed. Of course you are hurting. Please know that there are others who feel just the way you do. I have asked myself so many times, why would I have been given such a great love only to have him torn from me. I always thought we would die together, but God had other plans. Please try and get into a coffee group or whatever where you will be allowed to express your hurt, anger, sadness, loneliness and loss. Where people listen and are not judgemental. I feel your pain. Scream into a pillow if you must. But get it out. Very important for your health and sanity.Sending hugs to let you know you really aren’t alone even though it feels like you are and you think no one understands you. Believe me Isabelle, many of us are in the same place you are. We just have to find something that helps us get out of bed every morning even if it’s just for a cup of coffee to give you that kick start.

  222. There are no words to accurately describe the misery of losing my dear husband.

    The utter inner devastation and soul-sickness is overwhelming.

    Can`t believe I`ll ever recover from this.

  223. Thank you for helping us who have lost loved ones, feel that we are in this together.
    Your understanding of what we go through is a God send. Please continue on your quest to help those of us in need of sympathy, understanding and compassion.

  224. Thank you, my husband died very suddenly on 19th Jan. He was 62 and we’d been together for 33 years. We don’t have children but everything else in your article rings so true for me. I have no idea how I’m meant to go forward without him. I ache with the loss and alternate between feeling shattered for myself and overwhelmingly sad for him.

    • I am so sorry Lynn…hope our site is of some small support.

    • My husband also died suddenly…we were together for over 30 years, just him and I.
      I`m feeling those emotions of sadness for him ….and also feeling so shattered that no amount of time or effort is ever going to fix me.

      • J.

        I can imagine you’re feeling many emotions right now. No, I don’t think any amount of time can ‘fix’ you or put you back together. Life will never be the same and you will always grieve this loss. I know it’s hard to believe that you will ever feel okay again. I have hope that you will feel okay again someday…and that you will find meaning and reason for getting out of bed in the morning….but it’s absolutely okay for you not to believe in it. We’ll be here….keep checking in…let us know how your doing.


  225. As always, a spot on post. As I was slowly coming to some kind of terms with losing my husband of 31 years, 11 years ago (12/2/04), my 28 year old daughter, my best friend, roommate, companion, my significant other, was taken from me suddenly this summer. I envy those whose faith gives them peace. I am not there. I go to a grief group, therapy, journal, read WYG, but at the end of the day, she is not here, my heart is forever broken, again, and I am alone. Yes, I am blessed to have 3 other children and grandchildren, and lots of people who love me, but again, I am here alone, too tired to start all over again. I know, one day, one hour, one minute, one second at a time. God give me the strength….

    • Oh Gloria, I am so sorry…sending good thoughts, knowing it can all feel so impossible. Sounds like you are doing so many of the ‘right’ things, but that doesn’t change the immense pain and yearning.

  226. This was on point and stated in clear, focused terms. My husband died a year ago and, despite the comfort of family and friends, I am so terribly lonely without him, for all of the many reasons you listed. I find it hard to believe that I could find someone like him to love me, know me, and care for me as he did. Or that I could find someone as wonderful as him. It took a lifetime (nearly 35 years) to build up that knowledge of each other. It is at least good to have this outlet (and a local grief support group) that understand this sadness. I keep wondering when it will get better but it only seems to ebb and flow.

    • Mel- I think those ebbs and flows are something that we all have to get used to in grief. Sometimes, for me, better doesn’t feel like the best word. Maybe different, maybe more manageable. But the good days and bad days are always there.

  227. Thank you for this post. We didn’t have children together, but every other point is what I experience every day. It’s very difficult, especially the realization that I’m totally, utterly alone and will live the rest of my life without my husband, best friend, constant companion, lover, my confidant, my cheerleader . . .

    • Bea,
      I know exactly what you feel. My husband and I married later in life, in our 40’s and had no children. But he was my everything. Neither of us had been married before; both waited for that true love of our lives. We made it to 5 anniversaries, he died December 4, 2014 and we were married on February 14. He, too, was my biggest encouragement. He loved me completely unconditionally. He helped to bring out so much I had kept hidden most of my life. It is just over 14 months and it hurts more now. My life is just muddled and when the few rays of light do get in, it hurts because I can’t share it with him. I still am at the selfish point, where having his “spirit” with me is NOT enough.

      • I know exactly how you feel, Maryanne. Illinois st my Ben last August. We were together seven years and married four. He was my second husband and the love of my life. I am blessed that I had him in my life and though I miss him physically, I feel his presence so strongly. I am also grateful for a strong support system here in my community. Thanks for your sharing.

  228. this is so comforting to know that im still sane when I feel all that listed in this article. thank you and God bless

    • So glad you found this helpful Rabecca…

      • This April 19, 2016 my husband Steven of 31 years, died of a self-inflicted gunshot to the head. He was 66. I was in the other room when he did it. I can’t get the vision of his body twitching out of my head. I knew he was depressed but had no idea he was in such a dark place. We loved each other. We expressed this to each other everyday. As I look back these last few months I still can’t believe he is gone from my life. He was such a sweetheart to me. I miss his good night kisses and hugs. He was my best friend and I miss him. I have to fight myself everyday to stand up wipe myself off and go forward. I just wanted to tell somebody and you wonderful people have helped me to see there is a light at the end of this tunnel. Thank you for listening.

  229. I think all of these things can relate to deserted wives and children your husband doesn’t have to die ! for you to experience all these emotions he just has to walk out the door and leave you alone with your broken hearted children who never talk about it just hold it all inside ? I know lots of women that deteriorated when their husbands left either by drinking themselves to death or giving up on life : thankfully I’m not one of them I stayed with my children and did the best that I could as I’m sure a lot of other single mothers have done : there was no compulsory child support in my day I probably could have gone to court and fought for it but I would rather have my kids than money any day ?

  230. I should have been an editor.

    This was a powerful and insightful read. But #22 should read your, not you’re.

    #18 should read even THOUGH, not even those.

  231. So many aspects of this feature rang true, that I found it hard to continue reading. It served as a harsh reminder of how much. I miss my wife and how much I took for granted during our forty years together.

  232. Thanks Eleanor. The post touched on so many points that I find difficult to explain and go a long way to explaining the complexity a loved one feels. My husband has been gone for 6 months and we have two sons aged 3 and 5. Most of the time during the day I try to get through the best at I can but the grief for our boys and their loss is so raw. Their questions are so innocent but break my strength every time. I’m trying so hard to keep affoat some days it’s just so hard to think of better days ahead.

    • Kate…I feel your pain. My husband died of a heart attack on June 30, 2015 while jet skiing on vacation. The most painful piece of this journey is watching my 7 year old daughter grieve as I do too. I try to remind myself that life is still beautiful and I have to show up for her. Sending lots of ? to you and your children. You are an amazing Mom…don’t forget that xo

  233. Everything listed here is a very good summary of how I feel at different times. My husband died suddenly and we were true partners in every way. He was all in, he kept my crazy intact, we balanced each other so well and now I am completely out of balance.

    • Bridget, I so relate to what you said. I lost my Ben in August last year. We had both lost spouses when we met. He understood my craziness too and we also balanced each other. We only had seven years together. I miss him so.

  234. i get the list- but its all about “I” and “me”, my grief stems from “his” bodily end in to this life. My precious son. Was he scared? Did he just fall asleep, how much pain was he in? He didn’t want to die, I had no idea he was going to, I kept telling him the heart surgeon said his heart was perfect, he wanted to go to Orcas Island again, his family wasn’t around him….. its horrible. My only comfort these last two years, is that Jesus was always with him and he is with Jesus now. Otherwise, I would die of grief. Today at midnight will be 2 years.

    • Lorna, I see your hope is in Christ! By knowing my husband of 49 years leaving me 8/23/15 was in Christ has been the only thing that has helped me through grieving! And knowing too He is in the arms of His Savior! My husband lost his leg 2/2007 and began using a prosthesis and did very well! In 2009 he had a heartattack and it disabled him more! In 2011 he had a stroke and at that time it was the beginning of a period of grief as I lost part of him, some of his personality, our communication, his ability to love me as he once did! It was a very hard time for us but we continued to lean on the Lord! I miss caring for him and having him here! But God has reasons for every event under Heaven! I want you to know that your post helped me today to express and face the reality Gene is no longer here! We just have to be thankful we know where they are and can reflect on all the wonderful memories! God’s blessings to you today! May God comfort you in your time of need!

  235. Every. Word. Truth.

  236. Great summary of many of the issues facing widows and widowers. Many widowed people don’t realized all they have lost for several years. I was widowed almost 29 years ago and have been working with widows and widowers in groups and privately for 24 years and these issues always come up.

    • Deborah, you’re amazing. My fiance(partner of 7 years) passed suddenly 5 years ago. There was no one external to my family to understand and support me. I want the same legacy as you! Happy to

  237. Valentine’s Day is our anniversary. How will I get through the first without my love. 38 years is a long time to love someone. I miss him every minute of everyday. It’s been almost a year and sometimes it feels like it’s been forever, and sometimes it feels like he was taken from us yesterday. My heart is shattered.

    • Dear Sara
      I fell just like you. My lovely Pete died 28th October 2015. It feels such a long time since I last saw him and then it seems just like yesterday. I miss him, oh I miss him and life seems not worth living without him. Each day is an obstacle to get over and I just don’t know how to live with a broken heart.


    • Our anniversary was also on Valentine’s day were married 41 yrs he was my everthing I miss him so he died Feb 17 2016 grieve has left me paralyzed my 4 sons have been wonderful but not sure they realize how much I have lost everday is so hard, does this get any easier

    • My husband and i were married on Valentines day also, it would have been 43 years this coming Valentines. He passed this August the 26.

    • Ladies, having trouble with my fiancé’s passing too, just want someone to understand, I would appreciate it so much xx

  238. This particular submission hit the nail on the head insofar as reactions to the loss of my beloved husband / partner. Each and every one resonates with me and they are all very accurate! We were a same gendered couple, deeply in love and married. It’s tough enough to surmount all the obstacles to get to that point but to then suddenly lose him after six years was devastating!

  239. I lost my husband of 21 years and 22 days suddenly and without warning on November 1, 2014. He died at home sitting at the dinner table in front of me and my two teenage sons. There are no words to adequately describe the trauma and pain of his loss, but after reading a multitude of articles and books on grief hoping for a magic recipe to help heal us I have to say that this is the most thorough compilation of the ways my life has been impacted. Of particular note is the section on parenting your children through this experience while grieving yourself; it is like tending to their wounds while your outer self has been ripped away and left you raw after your entire world collapsed around you without even knowing where to begin.

    Thank you.

    • I can relate to what you say. My kids were 9 and 12 when they lost their dad. It’s a tough road, and very lonely, but you do heal. For me, I can finally say I look to be alive again…it took 7 years!

  240. You have summed that up so well.
    My husband was also my business partner, so I’ve had to restructured our business and attend to its ongoing needs as well as ensuring our 3 young children are my priority.
    I lost my best friend, my children’s father, my lover & business partner with no warning.
    It’s tough.

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