Family Misunderstanding After a Death

Understanding Grief / Understanding Grief : Eleanor Haley


Ahhhh, family.

Family, family, family.

Family can be great, but that's not what this post is about.  This post is about death and grief and all those times you've looked at a family member and said - "who are you?" "what are you doing? " "where were you?" "when did you turn into someone I don't know?" "why aren't you there for me?" and "how can I count on you?"

After a death, many people feel isolated and misunderstood.  Dejected by friends, co-workers, and community they may say - well at least I have my family.  And why shouldn't they?  Family is supposed to be there for each other. For many, their family has always been the weight that keeps them grounded and their beacon in the storm.

Here's the problem, death and grief can make people act kind of crazy and it can seriously rock a family's center of balance.  If the death happened within the family, then there is fertile ground for family misunderstanding as family members try and deal with changing roles and dynamics, different grieving styles, and complicated emotions.

Now, some people are lucky to find their family is exactly as supportive and caring as expected, but it is very common for people to turn to their family and find themselves terribly disappointed and confused. We receive a lot of questions about why this might happen, and due to complicated family dynamics, it's a question we can rarely answer. Still, we have a few general hypotheses about why family misunderstanding might occur after a death, which we're going to discuss today.  In reality, your situation is likely a combination of factors; our hope for this post is to simply get you thinking.

Untitled

Changing Family Dynamics:

We just love talking about theories around here, so let's start with one. Family systems theory was introduced by Dr. Murray Bowen in the 1960s.  Very basically, the family systems theory says that families are systems of interconnected and interdependent individuals. Within the family system, each member has a role to play and members of the system are expected to respond to each other according to their role and relationship. Maintaining the same pattern of behaviors within a system may lead to balance within the family system (but also to dysfunction).

When someone dies, the whole family system is thrown off.  Grieving family members find themselves disinterested and/or incapable of behaving in the ways they used to. Not only do people have to cope with grief, but they also must deal with the fact that a vital piece of the family is gone. Some of the roles your loved one used to inhabit will have to be filled by family members and, as everyone adjusts, a seismic shift in the way things 'have always been' can occur.


Different emotions:

Grief can make you feel like you are going crazy.  Your response to grief will be entirely different than anyone else's and so will the range of feelings you experience in response to the loss.  Here is a partial list of emotions typically associated with grief:

shock, numbness, sadness, despair, loneliness, isolation, difficulty concentrating, forgetfulness, irritability, anger, increased or decreased appetite, fatigue or sleeplessness, guilt, regret, depression, anxiety, crying, headaches, weakness, aches, pains, yearning, worry, frustration, detachment, isolation, questioning faith.

Quite often, family members will respond differently to the same death.  When each person is going through their own individual emotional experience, it can be difficult to figure out how to connect with and support one another. When someone you love is all of a sudden angry, depressed or anxious, or numb, your immediate reaction might be to wish they would snap out of it.  Conversely, if you are the one feeling these emotions, you might feel more distant and isolated from your family.  In a perfect world, people would have patience and understanding for one another, but sometimes this is easier said than done.

 

Birth order:

Although research on birth order is often contested, I think we can all agree that position in the family has some impact on who we are as people, how we behave in the family unit, and the expectations we have for other family members.  If you have a smaller family, it's far more likely that you will have a prototypical 'oldest', 'middle' or 'youngest'.

It may be that after a death the oldest child feels they have to step in and take care of grieving parents and younger siblings.  If it is a parent who died, perhaps the oldest child feels compelled to fill some of their roles.  Maybe the youngest child has been babied and so they feel they need a little extra emotional support.  Regardless, some family members may end up feeling unsupported or forced to step into shoes they feel they cannot or do not want to fill.

This whole dynamic becomes a little more complicated in larger families.  But, when there is a large gap in age between the oldest and youngest, I think it's interesting to consider the idea that the family the oldest child grew up with is often quite different than the family the youngest child grew up with.  This might explain some differences in relationships and in outlook after a death.

 

Gender/Grieving Style:

To be perfectly honest, this heading is a bit misleading.  It is not a fact that men and women have entirely different and distinct grieving styles.  Rather, prominent grief researchers Kenneth Doka, and Terry Martin believe that there are different grieving styles that are associated with being characteristically “masculine” or “feminine”.  These grieving styles exist on a continuum and gender is merely contributes to the way you grieve. For an in depth discussion on their theory, head here.  

Briefly, this theory asserts that there are two types of grievers - instrumental and intuitive.

Intuitive

Intuitive grief is experienced mainly in terms of feelings and emotions – “I felt sad” or “I felt angry” – and the grief response is usually focused on exploring and expressing these emotions – “I cried all night” or “I got so mad I couldn’t think.”

instrumental

Instrumental grief is experienced in more physical and cognitive ways – “I couldn’t stop thinking about what happened” or “I felt like I couldn’t breathe.” The instrumental grief response is expressed in physical, cognitive or behavioral ways and looks more like ‘doing’ or ‘taking action’.

Now, you can imagine how misunderstanding would arise when intuitive and instrumental grievers exist in the same family.  The instrumental griever, who appears less emotional and more active, might seem cold and uncaring to an intuitive griever who believes that emotions are the expression of grief.

 

Coping Style:

I'm not going to get too in depth on this topic because we've written about it quite a lot. Basically, you should never assume that someone will grieve in the same way as you because we all have different coping styles.  The WYG philosophy on coping is that each of us has predispositions toward the rational, the creative, or the emotional sides of our minds.  Though we all certainly have a bit of each of these within us, we often lean toward one style over another. To hear more about this, listen to our below podcast on the topic.


Age:

Age and stage of life obviously has a large impact on behavior and how ones makes sense of their world and experiences.  We've written about the influence of age on child and adolescent understanding; special considerations for grieving teens; and grieving as a 20-something.  The most important take away is the idea that a person's life context has an influence on how they perceive their experiences.  Things like access to support, past experiences, resources, physical health, existential angst all have an impact on grief and also change with age.  So in attempting to understand another person, it is generally helpful to take their stage of life into context.

 

Secondary Stressors:

Society's notion that grief is something that can be 'dealt with' within months to a year after a loss seems ridiculous to many.  I think this notion assumes that people have all the time, space, and support in the world to deal with their hardship.  When in reality people have to deal with all sorts of extra stressors like work, school, childcare, etc on top of their grief.  Sometimes people have to prioritize and make choices about the things they will give their time and attention to which might mean...

  • Giving less time and attention to the things they used to care about
  • Having less energy to support other people
  • Choosing not to focus on themselves and their grief
  • Opting out of time with family and friends
  • Becoming overwhelmed

It can be easy to lose patience with someone when you think they are letting you down or handling things poorly, but before passing judgment you should consider all the many things they have on their plate.

 

They're in a different place:

Although people would have you believe there is a timeline associated with grief, there really isn't.  So it should almost be expected that people grieving the same loss will be at different places in their grief at different times.  You may be ready to talk openly about your loved ones death, while the rest of your family still prefers to avoid the topic.  Your sibling might feel capable of sorting through your loved one's belongings, while you still can't imagine the thought of it. These differences can easily result in misunderstanding and confusion, so communication and patience are key. Although some family members may never want to grieve in the same way you do, many times people just need time to find their own peace and perspective.


Avoidance and negative coping:

Avoidance is one of my favorite topics because I think it explains so much of what we do.  We wrote a very comprehensive post on this topic which I encourage you to read.  When we talk about avoidance in grief we are usually referring to experiential avoidance.

Experiential avoidance is an attempt to block out, reduce or change unpleasant thoughts, emotions or bodily sensations.  These are internal experiences that are perceived to be painful or threatening and might include fears of losing control, being embarrassed, or physical harm and thoughts and feelings including shame, guilt, hopelessness, meaninglessness, separation, isolation, etc.  Now please note I say “perceive to be painful or threatening,” these perceptions are often subjective and what is perceived as threatening to one may seem totally irrational to another.

One might avoid in grief because they don't like to experience painful feelings. The onset of a grief wave is sometimes predictable but often not and each new wave brings with it an ocean of unpleasant thoughts, reminders, sensations, and memories.  

Many are experiencing emotions of this type and intensity for the first time and in response, they may exhibit physical, behavioral and emotional reactions they aren’t comfortable with.  This may be particularly true for those who have yet to develop a reliable set of coping skills.  Although grief is always unpleasant and uncomfortable, for some there are aspects that actually seem threatening and these perceptions can lead to attempts to control or avoid frightening feelings and reactions.

So, when your husband is putting away your deceased son's belongings way before you're ready, it might be in an effort to avoid reminders.  When your siblings refuse to talk with you about your deceased father, it might be in an effort to avoid the memories. In grief, avoidance is often perceived as a lack of caring when in actuality it comes from intense caring.

Avoidance is at the heart of most negative coping.  Negative coping consists of things like substance use, staying busy, and isolation; basically anything you can do to numb, forget, and minimize your exposure to grief triggers.  To learn more about negative coping you can listen to our podcast on the continuum of negative coping:

 

Now that you understand the 'why', if your family is fighting in the wake of a death go here for some helpful tips on handling the situation.

Subscribe to What's Your Grief to receive posts straight to your inbox.

 
 

We wrote a book!

After writing online articles for What’s Your Grief
for over a decade, we finally wrote a tangible,
real-life book!

After writing online articles for What’s Your Grief for over a decade, we finally wrote a tangible, real-life book!

What’s Your Grief? Lists to Help you Through Any Loss is for people experiencing any type of loss. This book discusses some of the most common grief experiences and breaks down psychological concepts to help you understand your thoughts and emotions. It also shares useful coping tools, and helps the reader reflect on their unique relationship with grief and loss.

You can find What’s Your Grief? Lists to Help you Through Any Loss wherever you buy books:

Let’s be grief friends.

We post a new article to What’s Your Grief about once a week. Subscribe to stay up to date on all our posts.

Related Blog Posts

Related Blog Posts

See More

142 Comments on "Family Misunderstanding After a Death"

Click here to leave a Comment
  1. Francisca  August 18, 2023 at 5:45 pm Reply

    This article about how family dynamics can change after a death was very helpful. I couldn’t find much online about this part of grieving.
    The death of two siblings recently hit us like a powerful earthquake. I, for one, am trying to find my balance. Many days I think I’m more numb or dazed then I realize; other days it very easy to recognize. Today I feel like a lump of clay- little energy, inability to focus, angry, and my faith feels almost nonexistent. I want to isolate and don’t care to take calls from other siblings. I anticipate them expecting me to be cheerful and “be over it”. Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

    1
  2. Lucy  April 24, 2023 at 3:26 am Reply

    I am wondering if anyone has experienced or have tips. My friend met a widow (of 3 years) however his grown up married daughters are not supportive, quite the opposite, with accusations of Daddy having an affair, claims that they have been hurt enough so he shouldn’t hurt them by having a lady friend, always balanced with “but we don’t want you to be on your own!. The constant mind games, the stalking of the new partner on social media. The emotional blackmail of I am trying to plan this, that or the other and Mammy isn’t here, or if Mammy was here it would be this. They are so happy together however the constant tantrums from the daughters, who do not live at home and are all in stable relationships is very sad and must be completely wearing for my friends. There has been really low points when he has said he wished he had died as he doesn’t know how to cope with his daughters. How can I help them, what can I say ?

    • Miss X  June 26, 2023 at 5:59 pm Reply

      Lucy: Let him tell these adult daughters of the conversation he had with his wife when she was here on Earth, and how SHE felt about the father ‘living his life’ after she was gone. I am sure they had discussions about him dating or even re-marrying. If the daughters know that this is something their mother would have approved of, it will make them feel more at peace.

  3. Michelle  March 11, 2023 at 5:46 am Reply

    No good bye

  4. Lisa Sc  November 16, 2022 at 11:47 pm Reply

    My mother passed away in 2005. In movies I watch there’s scenes where the family is all together around the loved ones death bed. And there’s scenes where they call all the siblings and other family to tell them their parent is dying. Not 1 of my 4 siblings called me to tell me that my mom was on her death bed and she’d had life support taken off 2 weeks prior. My siblings didn’t tell me any of this. My sister calls me up after my mother had passed away. My siblings have left me out of things for who knows what reason for many years especially after our mom passed away but even some before then. I’m 64 years old now and I’ve found all this hard to deal with. I’ve been estranged for the most part from my siblings except for 1 of them we occasionally text message each other. I never been able to understand why they treat me so badly. One of them has a daughter who always hated me and now she has 3 daughters and I’m not sure about the youngest but the other 2 want nothing to do with me. I can’t fathom what I ever did that was so wrong. Anyone care to comment? Thanks.

    1
    • Denise Lara Mangalino  March 30, 2023 at 12:39 pm Reply

      Lisa, I am so sorry to hear about your mother’s passing and how your siblings have left you out for almost 2 decades. I wish I could give you an easy answer as to why they cut you out and there is no simple answer to what you can do. If you haven’t already done so, it may be helpful to find support groups with others who have experienced a similar situation (loss of siblings and family members after one’s death) as some support outside of your family can be helpful in navigating your grief. It might help to ask your siblings why they’ve decided to cut you out and also explain to them why you are longing to find some answers for them doing so. When each side could understand the ‘why’ it can become easier to understand the situation and figure out if there is something that could amend the relationship.

      In the meantime, there may be other ways for you to create a way of saying goodbye and honoring your mother in a way that is meaningful for yourself and the relationship you had with her. You can create the space for yourself to acknowledge your mom in a way you would have wanted.

  5. Rosalina  October 10, 2022 at 2:45 am Reply

    My father was pushed and fell into his head on the floor at work and his coworkers covered it up and said he had a stroke. We do not know of this until after he passed in December of 2020. So his medical prognosis was mismanaged from the very beginning and he ended up going to a nursing home that was negligent to him this is during the time of covid where we couldn’t go inside and all the restrictions were in place. And of course this nursing home facility took advantage of that and he died of an infection not only was he paralyzed and mentally brain damaged but they got him sick from infection plus he caught covid he hung on for dear life it was the worst thing to go through with my mother and my two brothers. I am the oldest and live only a few blocks for my mother and my little brother lives with my mom still and my other brother lives in New York. Well after my father’s death I knew it was wrong for him to die that way so I started seeking out for attorneys for a negligent and wrongful death claim. I told my mother about it she was not supportive she pretty much signed her rights to me to seek the justice for not only a wrongful death and negligence claim but also workman’s comp for her trying to help her out knowing all the pressures of her having being a dependent. Every time I spoke to her about it and what was going on with all the legal stuff she seemed too stressed out to even speak about it and was not really supportive at all either was my brothers but when it came time to close both cases and I’m paying for everything I know this is what my father would want I cannot live with myself knowing I didn’t do nothing about it. I am a daddy’s girl of course and I am the oldest and the only girl, I had to seek justice. Fast forward a couple years right when I’m getting ready to go into mediation or pretrial conference or trial and my brother starts getting into my mother’s head about money and thinking that I’m going to take money from my dad’s estate because I was the personal representative I tried to give them all the information that I can I was very upfront about everything it was very weird time for me I couldn’t believe that they thought this everything was going through probate courts and there was an escrow account for the trust funds there was no possible way for me to even get any money without any lawyers and the courts knowing I would never do that I was getting this money for my mom and my brothers it was not really the money I was doing it for I was doing it for the justice mind you I’m paying all these legal fees and they never even once even has to help so here comes the text sent to me with my mother’s name on it and I just feel so broken-hearted by what she did to me she said different person now she’s so preoccupied with her new life and her new situation whatever that is I don’t even know her anymore I just gave her the money and don’t even speak to her a whole 2 and 1/2 years I’m trying to get my dad’s dresses I don’t even get a thank you nothing I don’t even want that money I’m successful for myself and I could have been a real credent about it and asked for administration fees for doing all the work and I didn’t I don’t know who my mother became and I don’t want to have an ugly feeling in my heart but she’s just rubs me the wrong way and I get a very unsettling feeling thinking about her talking to her or even looking at her she makes me ill and she’s totally somebody I never knew could be this way cold not emotional not a mother but a stranger and my brothers I talk to one but the other one in New York he was all about the money he’s the one that got on her head it’s a sad situation it’s almost like my mom is dead to me too plus my brother in New York I don’t talk to him anymore but I do talk to my baby brother it’s a sad situation breaks my heart and hopefully I get over it one day my mom needed my help and I helped her and this is the things I get she had no money or income coming to her this is my thanks I probably won’t be there for her when she gets older I won’t be there to help put her in a nursing home I won’t do nothing for her for what she’s done to me during this time and how she just used all my dad’s money that I work so hard to see Justice for she’s a fake person and my dad would be rolling in his grave right now.

  6. M  September 4, 2022 at 7:33 pm Reply

    My mom died March 2021. My younger sister died May 2022. My brother didn’t speak to either of us after our mom died. He has blocked my emails.

    I feel as though I’m grieving my mom, my sister, and my brother all at the same time. My anger at my brother is getting in the way of processing my grief over the two deaths.

    He’s the only one who chose to leave. It is not his turn to be grieved. And he was cruel to my dying sister.

    8
    • Lisa  September 19, 2022 at 8:49 pm Reply

      I can certainly relate. My husband passed away January 2022. He was the youngest of 5 children. Needless to say a very large family. His family have not had a thing to do with me since the viewing, the day before the funeral. They stood on the opposite side of the room during the funeral. As devastated as I was this has hurt me more. I lost Jeff and his family. I realize now that it has impacted my life more than needed. I’m dreading the holidays but have my own family that loved Jeff as much as I did. Praying for closure for us both.

      1
    • Claire Streb  November 6, 2022 at 11:59 am Reply

      You are not alone, M. I was ghosted too. My sister came back into our lives just long enough to get half of my mom’s life insurance benefits, then bam, no contact and no explanation. It hurts. People do things for reasons we cannot understand. Forgiving them, even if they do not deserve it, is something we should strive for.

  7. Forgotten daughter  August 23, 2022 at 8:22 am Reply

    Your definition for grief wasn’t helpful in my situation.
    My mum signed up to a TV advertised basic cremation without family or service. I was fine with her choice. What I wasn’t told, the 3hr delay to collect her body from home, wasn’t because the local morgue/funeral home was busy but in reality, my mum body was being transported across the country to a crematorium in Andover, near South coast. Absolute shock. I found Andover had a train station & £100+ ticket fare to get their. I’m not working but I’d pay the fare to hold my mum hand, one last time. When I contacted the cremation firm, informed no viewing room but I could walk the grounds!!!! I’d been fine seeing my mum in the morgue. I wasn’t going to attend the cremation against my mum wishes & she be in a coffin.

    I am so filled with rage, justifiably.
    Not my family nor the cremation company gave a second thought that a child would need to see a parent on death, sudden or otherwise. The cremation happen couple days ago.
    This basic funeral plan included driving half way across the country & collecting my mum body.. then returning her ashes. Surely then the package should include contacting the closest family members & explaining they only have a few hours to get to their loved one, to say their good byes, after which, no access allowed. Still terrible but I could have held my mum hand & made my peace with her.

    And being told your mum loves you & thought about you.. is no comfort, when you never heard it directly.
    And a necklace containing her ashes won’t fix this hurt.

    3
    • Lisa Sc  November 16, 2022 at 11:57 pm Reply

      I am also a forgotten daughter. My siblings didn’t want me there with them to say goodbye to our mother. I don’t understand why. I was told after my mom passed away. This is hard to get past. My siblings don’t want to talk about any problems.

      1
  8. cena adilas  July 20, 2022 at 6:50 am Reply

    Hi,

    My mother passed away in Dec 2020 because of Covid complications. She also had cancer detected in 2010. My father was very close to her so have been hit drastically by her demise. We are 2 brothers and 1 sister. I am the eldest in my family and have been taking all the responsibilites from 2010 when I finished my CPA as my father had to leave his job to stay with my mother.
    Financially I am doing good so have made sure that my parents also have a good house and there has never been shortage of money ever.
    Now after my mom passed away, i invited my father to stay with me. I have kept following my routine like taking him out on weekends with my wife and kid. On week days i go to gym after work, then have dinner with my father and wife. Then i spend time browsing Youtube and sleep.
    My father is becoming frustrated like he does not have other family and friends here. He is also blaming me that one day i will suffer like he does. i feel so heartbroken and no one to talk to. i feel in tears. after making sure everything for my family is enough, i get this treatment. But hes my father so i cant say anything. I am under so much stress.
    i have work stress now this family stress gives me heart pain.

    i feel broken. i dont want to talk to any one as from beginning i have kept a very personal lifestyle. i keep things to myself.
    i just fake that i am happy but i am so sad.
    i love my father and loved my mother a lot but i cannot stay depressed after losing my mom. life goes on. i have responsibilities.

    11
  9. Lorrie Romanello  May 22, 2022 at 7:31 pm Reply

    When my son died I received no support what so ever. He was my only child. I found him dead and I turned him over and blood came out of his nose and mouth. Then my mom died then dad and then husband. Why did my cousins come to the funeral when they didn’t give a shit. They had stop talking to me a long time because of something I did which was for a good thing but they though I was doing it to find out information about them. So paranoid. I have not spoken to them in years. They have children. I was raised with them. My dad put a roof over their head food in their mouth and clothes on their body. I did without so they could do with. I had my granddaughter to show them her after my son died. They would ever come out of their offices to see her. My sister. No help she’s just like them it’s pathetic. I know they have hurt me terribly but I know they will have their trials and tribulations. I am all alone and they know that.
    They don’t care. It hurts because when you love someone and they hurt you that badly. It’s hard to forget.

    8
  10. Beth Powers  April 27, 2022 at 3:43 pm Reply

    My husband died 10 mos ago. I had many discussions with my daughter who lives in the South (the other side of the country) about possibly moving near her and the grandkids. We were both very upbeat about the possibility. Then I visited for 3 mos and immediately realized I was not at all ready. I was homesick for my friends and family and small town I’d lived in for 50 years. My daughter was quite disappointed in me, said I was “not putting myself out there” to meet new people, check out properties, etc. It has definitely created a rift in our relationship. I am wondering if I even want to visit next winter. I certainly am not ready to move. And I am not even certain she wants me to visit again.

    2
    • Jeff Cagle  May 7, 2022 at 2:37 pm Reply

      Show her this article and your comment and explain to her how you truly felt during your 3 months visit with her and I think she might have a better understanding from your side of how you are dealing with the loss of your husband

    • Mazz  May 30, 2022 at 2:36 am Reply

      Yes

    • Mazz123  May 30, 2022 at 2:38 am Reply

      Yes

  11. Dorinda Dean  March 21, 2022 at 1:29 pm Reply

    My Mom passed away December 22,2021. She was sick, really sick for 2 weeks. She refused to go to the hospital my Brother was here from Vegas visiting and I lived just down the street so we were both were caring for here She couldn’t walk and we were hand feeding her. She finally went to the hospital. She was there about 3 weeks and suffered a stroke while she was in there. She lost most use of her whole left side. She came home and she only lasted about a week. She returned to the hospital. They put her with a catheter and after 2 weeks they sent her to rehab for her arm and leg, which was a convalescent home. She hated it. After 2 weeks she returned home again. Now, we had to be nurses. She was wearing diapers, had a cathedar, had a nurse and therapist coming twice a week. It was horrific and took shifts taking care of her. Hand feeding her, taking blood pressure, oxygen levels, and temperature every 2 hours, logging everything. My Brother and I was so overwhelmed. It was the hardest thing we ever did. But we loved our Mom so it wasn’t a burden at all. My 2 Daughters hadn’t helped not 1 time and my oldest Daughter hadn’t been to my Moms for over a year, and my youngest Daughter was only here a couple of times in a year and neither one of them even called her. So my Mom ended up dyeing at the hospital. Myself, my Brother, and 2 Daughters were there when she was passing. My Brother and I didn’t want to see my Mom die because we were traumatized seeing my Dad dead. So my Daughters stayed in the room with her while she passed. Ever since she passed, both my Daughters have been taking turns flipping out at my Brother and I. Telling us what to do, what to keep, saying we don’t care and we’re getting rid of their Grandmas belongings. Neither of which have supported us not even once. My Mom was an extreme hoarder. She had a 4br 3ba home, like 4000sqft. And there was so much stuff just piled and stacked, so much stuff 2 people couldn’t pass at the same time anywhere in the house. We’ve been telling my kids for months to please come with a truck and trailer and take stuff and please help clean the house out so it’s presentable. Not once have they helped, but they’ve sure been right there with the rude opinions. They said we don’t care that we’re not trying to keep Grandmas house. We got a dumpster a roll away 20ft long and filled it in 1 day with trash and junk. My Mom had a reverse mortgage and owes 269000.00. They want their money. It’s due upon death. We have to clean out the house no matter what happens it wasn’t even liveable. We only have so much time either way. Me and my Daughters were super close around each other almost everyday. Now neither one of them ever come over, barely talk to me, unless they are flipping out. I’ve got 9 Grandkids and barely see them. I’m so hurt how they are treating us. I’ve never seen this side of my kids, and have no idea who they are or where they are coming from. Please help. Dorinda

    4
  12. Heather  February 16, 2022 at 9:47 am Reply

    My mother died of complications from COVID almost 2 weeks ago. The pain is so fresh, and the loss was so sudden. My dad is not handling the arrangements well and so far has refused every single one of my solutions to his problems, and my brothers won’t speak to me unless I reach out first. Am I being that intrusive? Was I mean to them somehow when Mom was alive? I don’t understand why they have refused to spend any time with me since the day she died. My brothers are staying in the same house together right now. They made one of Mom’s recipes the other night and didn’t even invite me. My neighbor made homemade soup and I invited them both over to have it, even saved it for several days before realizing that they weren’t coming. I left my house completely open and unlocked for a solid week for them to come and go as they pleased, and nobody has come to the door. My partner has also found a way to move through his grief, and he can’t cope with me either right now. I’m lonely and upset, and according to this article, I seem to be the ONLY intuitive griever surrounded by instrumental grievers. This family dynamic is terrible and not what Mom wants any of us to be doing right now. She would be livid to know that we’re not banding together to work through this together. This is not how she raised us. I’m so upset that the next and only time I’ll be seeing my brothers again is when we go to pick up her ashes. Nobody will let me help and nobody will see me. Now that Mom’s gone, I feel like I’ve truly lost my only family ally. She and I were the only ones that ever saw each other. We were lonely together once my brother, her caretaker moved away a few months ago. They treated me this way when she was alive, too, and it’s clear that nothing is going to change now that she’s gone. Not only have I lost my mother, I’m grieving the loss of my entire family.

    7
    • Cathleen  May 25, 2022 at 2:28 am Reply

      Our circumstances are very similar. My mom passed due to Covid as well and my dad passed 67 days later from a broken heart. My dad ended up staying with me after my mom passed and my 6 brothers were all too happy for me to take on the responsibility. He went downhill both physically and mentally quickly and it was just me and my husband. Brothers all lived out of state. Oldest brother who took responsibility for the financial aspects became rude and mean. The others ignored me and the youngest who lived the closest wanted to put him in a nursing home. I refused. Once he was in the hospital they descended on me like vultures. He passed and no one spoke to me. They are still mean. I not only lost my parents but my whole family. It’s been 6 months and I don’t see it getting better. I have no idea what to do. I’m heartbroken but I have to find some peace. I’m thinking I need some counseling to move on. I never would have thought this would happen to us. So sad
      .

    • Eliza  August 14, 2023 at 2:05 pm Reply

      I found this website looking for some guidance with being left trying to fathom my husband ‘s and his sister’s behavior(s) surrounding their mother’s recent death. My family behaved terribly when my mother died as well. I was the primary caregiver in both situations. I am left thinking the more empathetic and compassionate you are the harder it is to understand other people’s lack of involvement or selfish motivations. Most people it seems are happy to let other people do the tough stuff and the hard part for the caregiver is that there is no one there to support you when its over. It is very hard not to be angry and resentful which just sucks more energy out of you.

      2
  13. Kathleen Galt  January 25, 2022 at 10:15 pm Reply

    I have just spent the last seven years taking full time care of my beloved 93 year old mother. The only thing I had ever heard my mother ask for in the 63 years that I had known her when she had a severe stroke was not to be put in a nursing home. I said yes to taking full time care of her, but did not think she would live as long as she did. Seven more years. My two sisters wanted to put her in a nursing home, but I took her to her home and the next seven years took her back and forth from Colorado to Ohio. My two sisters 8-11 years younger than me wanted her to be put in a nursing home, but as her POA I supported my mother’s desire of not going to a nursing home. As time went on I begged both of my sisters to give me some breaks. They essentially refused to help. Thank goodness for two of my daughters who provided me with several weeks off during the seven years of care for my mother. While I was angry with my sisters for not helping, NOT WANTING TO HELP THEIR MOTHER who had done so much for them over the years. Taking care of their children, cleaning their houses, going to their kids soccer games yada yada, I just could not understand their disregard for our mother. I had so hoped to be just a bit of a team, However, that ended up never being the case.

    My mother died in October of 2021 and we decided not to have her memorial until April Until it worked for her grand children to come back to Ohio. My parents has already taken care of their funeral arrangements 20 years ago, So , no problems there. What is getting under my skin is now how concerned my one sister seems with the funeral arrangements, what we will do etc. My take is she is concerned because of what I call the “frontal” what her friends will think about the memorial. How things will appear. Today I went off on my sister asking her why she is so concerned now, where was she while our mother was ALIVE. My mother often wondered about this but refused to say anything to either one of my sisters about how she felt neglected by them. My mother loved to sing, one of her little songs she made up was “Come visit with me while I am alive. Don’t wait until I am dead. It will not matter to me then. Come visit with me while I am alive”

    I know why I am angry with my sisters, they did not show or give back to their mother who had given them so much. Now it is all about how it appears to others.

    What can I do with this anger? My mother deserved more from them, while she was alive.

    For me taking care of her, giving back to her was one of the best decisions of my life, even though it was much longer than I had expected. She so deserved to have her wish not to be in a nursing home and treated with tender loving care. Gift to her, gift to myself.

    11
    • Litsa  January 29, 2022 at 2:38 pm Reply

      Anger is such a complex emotion and the path to forgiveness can be long and complex. But it can be helpful to remember that the anger is often hurting and impacting you more than anyone else. This article may be a place to start: https://whatsyourgrief.com/grief-and-forgiveness/

      1
  14. Kim  December 10, 2021 at 12:45 am Reply

    Today I attended my stepmoms funeral. Along with my daughter and ex husband, my brother did the eulogy, my sister and dad, sis-in law, and their kids were in the front row, we were all the way in the back, he started out “ Her family is here in the front row, named names, and continued on, I immediately had tears coming, no mention of me, my daughter , who lost her grandma, I actually was very very close to standing up “ she was also my stepmom and my daughters grandma, I didn’t of course, but I felt very uncomfortable, and hurt. Am I just being too sensitive? I really need to know.

    10
    • Savita Ahuja  August 21, 2022 at 4:17 am Reply

      I personally don’t think you were wrong in feeling bad.

      I felt a similar pain when my Dad passed away last year… I was not in the country and due to the pandemic I couldn’t fly back in time. My brothers and sister in law’s all said something at the service, they even put together a nice video montage of his life..
      Except they barely mentioned me or my husband and kids, barely used our pics… It was almost as if we didnt even exist. Not to mention, they didn’t consult me with any of it.

      What I did receive was the 1/3 bill for my share of the expenses of everything they did for
      my mom from the moment Dad passed away, including tipping the cleaning lady that came the clean the house and my Dad’s last clothing bill. ( The invoice showed up hours before the funeral).

      The kicker… I was closest to my Dad and knew most about him. I spoke to him 3-4 hours a day even being in another country but once he was gone, they wanted nothing to do with me and didn’t want me to be a part of any decision making when it came to him. I now only get the bare minimum my mom tells me about what’s happening with my Dad’s entire estate.

      I’ve left it. Do what they want. My Dad loved me more than anything in this world. I know he is watching over me and has become my guardian angel. I feel so safe and secure knowing my Dad is watching over me always and will always make sure my journey will be everything it should be.

      1
  15. Susie chan  December 7, 2021 at 5:31 pm Reply

    Please help my husband passed away last month his car that is in my name .. well his 19 yr old son seems to think that it now belongs to him, I live with my deceased husband’s parents as does my step son also, I have the key but I am pretending that I don’t I don’t know what to do if I do not give the car to the stepson they will most likely kick me out, or my step-son will make life hell for me

    5
    • Litsa  December 27, 2021 at 2:32 pm Reply

      I am so sorry, Susie. If the car is legally yours and you do not want him to have it then you’ll need to address this at some point. Sometimes a mediator can help to navigate difficult discussions like this. You may be able to search to see if there are mediation resources in your community. Sometimes speaking with a pastor, social worker, or lawyer in your area may also be able to point you to mediation resources.

      2
  16. Jennifer Gluck  November 14, 2021 at 9:36 pm Reply

    Thank you for these stories about grief!

    1
  17. Lilian Bryant  October 20, 2021 at 7:35 am Reply

    My mother died in 2020. It was terrible. Not only was she a hoarder who lived in filth, but she’d had two strokes, a broken leg from a fall, and was starving herself to death. She refused to seek medical help, and so I had to get social workers involved. It took four weeks for her to die.

    During this time, I was in constant communication with my Uncle’s family about her condition and impending death, but they never mentioned that a family burial plot (purchased by my grandparents in the 70s) was available. I was short on money and so I had her cremated.

    My uncle just died a couple of days ago and I’m being pressured by his son to sign the family plot over to his family for the burial. I loved my uncle, but I’m very angry and hurt that no one told me about that plot, which was rightfully my mother’s. I would have buried her there next to her parents and sister. I believe my Uncle’s family didn’t tell me about the plot, because his health was bad and they wanted it for him. I think its very selfish of them and unfair and disrespectful to me and my mother.

    6
  18. Becky  May 3, 2021 at 12:01 am Reply

    I just lost my mom 2 weeks ago. We just went through her things, made me so sad. I don’t want any of it. My mom was mentally ill and treated me like garbage, would have
    nothing to do with me for years. All the while treated my younger sister like the golden
    child. But the kicker is she held down a job and was self-sufficient. It’s like she became
    a different person after she left my dad. It is all so hard to swallow. I look at pictures of
    her from those years we were estranged, and it just makes me unwell. I am having a
    very hard time. I guess I just was not important enough to her to ever make her want
    to be close to me. I love my Mom but do not understand her. Yes, she was supposedly
    mentally ill, but she managed to do things she wanted. I just want to run off somewhere and figure it all out, but I will never figure it out. Some things, you just have
    to let go of or they will drive you nuts.
    I was a disappointment to my Mom. She wanted a piano playing, perfect child. I was
    just a tomboy who wanted to be outside on my bike, or just enjoy being outside. Inside
    was never a thing for me. I was a free spirit in a way. Mom wanted things to be just so.
    I followed the rules and helped around the house, but I was never the child she wanted.
    She’s gone now and I never got a word of explanation for all the years she would have
    nothing to do with me. She did it her way and she left a lot of hurt for others to bear.
    I don’t know how anybody could be so cold. I’ll get over it just like I have in the past.
    It’s just hard right now.

    16
    • Tyler  May 5, 2021 at 7:27 am Reply

      Sounds like narcissistic abuse — scapegoat and golden child. It’s never about you, it’s about them. Please consider exploring the topic — books, YouTube. May find it illuminating. Wishing you peace.

      11
    • BB  October 19, 2021 at 7:41 pm Reply

      I can relate as she sounds so much like my mother who passed away last year. I’m sorry for all you went through with this abusive woman. You did not deserve that.

      3
  19. Dee  March 26, 2021 at 8:08 pm Reply

    My former husband and father of our adult sons passed 10 years ago after 3 year battle w cancer. He was the rock of the family full of love and wisdom and optimism. We had divorced amicably 10 years before his death remaining good friends. I was there as part of his hospice team. My grief was hardest the first two years after her died. I assumed I’d never marry. But after 17 years post divorce I married a very different man. My adult sons are well educated and good me but have never done any grief work or therapy on their losses. I’ve worked hard to connect and be there for them but a communal grief comes when we are together and they make biting side comments about me while saying they want connection. They seem conflicted and I feel an undercurrent of anger from them because I left their dad originally. Funny but their dad never spoke poorly of me and dated before his death. My recent visit w them was painful because of the push and pull but lack of real discussion. They accept my new husband but I don’t think they like him. Before I remarried they taunted me about needing to get out more and date- now I’m out more and we are enjoying life as a couple but I feel an undercurrent of pain. They connect on their dads birthday and anniversary of death plus other times but we don’t ever have real conversations about what they feel. I recognize I cannot fix this for them and it’s their work but feel life is short and what a loss. My grandkids really enjoy me and will talk about the loss of their grandpa asking me all about him. Recently my 6 year old grandson asked me if I ever missed his grandpa and after I answered yes, he responded “ yeah, me too “. Even though he’d never met him. I have decided to go forward w living my life fully with my husband, coming from a place of love while resisting attempts to open grief talks with them. But it hurts we are like on little islands of grief trying to survive it. Knowing if their dad was here he would ask us all to move on and really live.

    2
    • Linda  July 3, 2021 at 6:10 pm Reply

      My mother died June 8 2021 my sister and brother told her so many lies about me. Kissed my mom while hospice was the said I loved her my sister said “ no you don’t she don’t love you she knew just what your are”. My mother wrote my father a letter a few days before she died telling him I’d sell the house and put him in rest home. In May my sister tried to get my father committed in the letter to my father my mother told him that she wished I was never born and hoped I rotted in hell. My sister had sole care of her while she was in hospital she told my mom I sold the house the furniture and I called mom’s doctor and told him my sister was unfit. I never did any of those things. My father wants me to take care of him. The house they live in is in my name. My brother has threatened my job and has contacted both of my grown children to tell them I will put my dad in a home and will sell the house and steal all the money.
      Did my mom go to heaven or hell writing a letter saying how much she hated me for things I didn’t do. I’m torn up over this. I have been married for 35 years never took a penny from my parents or my husband parents. I’m scared to take care of my father because I may have 10 15 more years of my brother and sister abuses

      7
      • Jeff Cagle  May 7, 2022 at 3:07 pm

        Do what your heart tells you to do and what is truly best for your father and don’t worry about what your siblings think, because at the end of the day your father knows who you truly are and sibling jealousy won’t change that. Your actions will speak way louder than the thoughts in your siblings heads.

  20. alice  March 24, 2021 at 9:55 pm Reply

    When I was younger, my mom died of cancer, and it made me scared. Very, very scared. I was afraid to leave to go on sleepovers or even fall asleep because I was frightened that if I left for even the shortest bit of time, that the rest of my family would die and leave me behind too. I didn’t really understand what was going on then, so I dismissed it as me being annoying and stupid. That wasn’t what it was. I was sad. I just couldn’t see that. It had been a while since my mom had passed and none of this stuff had happened before. I’m getting over it now, but it’s still hard for me to not worry anymore. Anyways, yeah, that’s it. Thanks.

    4
    • Marie  August 25, 2022 at 7:34 am Reply

      My story is similar to yours. My mom also died because she had cancer. Her death was also the first one of anyone I was close to. One difference is that 1 1/2 years later my little brother died in an accident, he was 19. I was 5 months pregnant. After I had my son I refused to let anyone watch him for any reason because I was scared that he’d die and it would be my fault. I started to get better but then my aunt that I was close with died the day after my sons second birthday. I was and still do become very anxious when people should be somewhere and they aren’t on time. My head starts spinning with thoughts of how they died , its my fault, and I’m going to be alone the rest of my life because I’m a terrible person even though I have no idea what I’ve done wrong. I had to go to counseling just to be able to let go enough for my son go to preschool. I don’t know if it helped or not, I don’t think it did.The counciler doesn’t understand. My son went to preschool though and actually graduated highschool this year.

      1
  21. Lill  March 15, 2021 at 4:42 am Reply

    My brother’s son 28 years young recently died Dec 22 2020 from complications due to Covid. It was a devastating loss and a very traumatic way in which he died. My nephew was a vibrant,healthy,smart, and loving young man who will be forever missed by everyone who knew him. I was extremely sadden by his loss because I felt very close to him. I almost feel guilty right now writing this in sharing some of my problems as a result of his death because I know my brother, sister in-law and younger nephew are going through far more pain than I can even imagine one can go through. The first time I saw my brother and his family right after M’s death I was a complete mess experiencing such anxiety I could hardly catch my breath when I arrived. In your article you wrote that a death in a family can drive everyone crazy, well that was certainly me. The night before I saw my brother I had engaged in an argument with other family members that didn’t end so well as I had stomped off mad. So when I arrived at my brothers the next evening I brought all my grievance’s with me from the night before which only made it worse by drinking alcohol. I also made some foolish remarks to my sister in-law and nephew that you should never say to grieving people. I was trying to bring comfort and all I did was put my foot in my mouth. The next day was the funeral but that morning my brother had texted and told me that if I couldn’t keep it together I would have to excuse myself, so I didn’t go. I felt just horrible about what took place the night before and hopeless about changing it. I felt like I had really let my family down and I’d never be forgiven for it. I’ve apologized profusely and have tried so hard to make amends but to no avail my brother and his family will not talk to me but will only send texts with minimum correspondence or if at all. I think rejection has to be one of the most painful emotions one can experience. Before M’s death I felt close to my brother and his family. We spent holiday’s together, baby sat and watched the boys grow up, I know their friends as well as my brother’s. I have some very lovely and wonderful memories and now it’s literally a flat line. I just feel so awful that we can’t grief together! Not only do I grief M’s death but now the loss of my relationship with my brother. I just texted my brother to let him know that I’m thinking of him and I’m trying just so hard not to offend him, to not say the wrong thing, but I keep second guessing my every word. It’s been such a horrible change for everyone. None of us will ever be the same. I just hate to see my family go through such horrible pain, I love them so much and I wish I could make it go away but I can’t.

    7
    • Dee  March 26, 2021 at 8:18 pm Reply

      Sending you compassion and courage.

      2
    • S. Moreno  March 31, 2021 at 4:22 pm Reply

      Lil there is no way that you will be able to makeup for the actions which transpired at the death of his son death . I say this because I to lost a son almost 15 years ago yet I can recall in detail everything that was said to me and done at the time of the like to can’t remember what transpired within two years

      3
      • Kimberly  November 3, 2021 at 1:52 pm

        S. Moreno,
        Sorry for your pain. I too know the hurt of losing a child, and remember each and every word that further inflicted pain. They were mostly by the people I thought would be there to support me the most. I agree with you that what has been done will never be able to be undone. These hurts carry wounds too deep.

        2
    • Shannon  September 26, 2021 at 7:34 pm Reply

      Hi Alice,
      I just wanted to tell you that you’re not alone. My mom died back in 2001 when I was 21. Two years later my 19 year old brother died, then 2 1/2 years after that my aunt died- the day after my son turned 2yrs old.

      After losing all of them I was and still am scared that if I make the smallest mistake that someone else is going to be taken and in the end I’ll be left standing all alone. It’s like there’s a rational half of my brain that knows that I shouldn’t be scared and that no matter how much I worry about people it’s not going to change things. Then there’s the unrational side that tells me that if I always stay on my toes and don’t let any little thing slip by, then nothing awful will happen to anyone. I know it sounds incredibly selfish but really that’s not at all how I’m trying to be. I just love them and don’t want them to leave earth and go wherever people go when they pass.I can’t seem to explain it to people but after reading what you said I think that you know what I’m talking about.

      Things are a bit easier now than they were but it’s still a daily struggle to not feel that way. I went to counseling and sent my son to preschool just so that he could go to kindergarten without me thinking he was going to die while he was there. Sending him to school got easier over the years but geez I’m terrible, he’s a senior now and has not ever gone on a field trip unless his dad or I went with as chaperones.

      I don’t know if this is sadness I feel like you say it is for you. I guess I feel broken to the point that theres no fixing me.

      Thank you for sharing your experience, it makes me know that I’m not the only scared person after experiencing a loss.

  22. Unidentified  November 2, 2020 at 6:17 am Reply

    Where do I begin?

    I can relate so much to these stories of family problems. I guess I’ll start from the beginning, like all stories!

    *Names, dates, and cities will be literally altered meaning what you see below is not exact but this is so my said extended family will not use it as a weapon later on saying I caused the separation while using this post as an example. But the story is 100% my life story.*

    I was born on **/**/1997. Born and raised in the suburbs of Philly. We had (from what I experienced) great times with our extended family. (Multiple uncles, aunts, my dad’s parents, and cousins, etc). My dad worked in construction and RARELY called out. My dad was the iconic ‘blood , sweat , and no tears’ kind of father. He had such love for kids, wife, brothers, parents and more. My dad grew up in an Italian family in Philadelphia all of his life. He knew hardtimes. He knew good times. He had an iconic ‘get it done’ work attitude and a really funny sense of humor. You name it, he could build it. He worked for a man named George and I met George when I was a boy at around 8 or so years old. He was super obese and smelt like alcohol. But patted my head like I was a dog and awkwardly tried to convince me he was a good guy and knew my dad. My dad worked day in, day out. He devoted a lot of time to his career and when he went home he devoted all his time to his family. Specifically his kids, wife, parents and brothers. He so willingly helped when need be. His brother needed 4k… it was his. His parents needed 15k to finish a kitchen… it was theirs. He lied and smiled it off like it didn’t hurt him. Because he was that kind of guy. He would lend the shirt off his back in the freezing cold, and joke while smiling, knowing he helped for the better but froze to death… His brothers were very… Italian, and parents even more so. His brothers had lived so close to their parents that their kids bonded so well with their grandparents. It was extraordinary to see. And my dad wanted every bit of that. At least one saturday a month my dad would take my sister and I to visit his parents. This was definitely for the goal of my sister and I being around our grandparents more often since they lived in New York. Not that far. But far enough to be without contacr for some time therefore hurting the bonding time. Needless to say my dad’s efforts to get my sister and I involved in family affairs… my grandparents always seemed to pick on my mom. They pointed it out later on to my dad saying where was Jean? (my mom). They took it as my mom CHOSE not to visit her parents, brothers, and sisters in law. No. My dad essentially just told my sister and I the morning of, “Hey, let’s go visit grandma and grandpa!” My mom would be at work and my dad had his day off, rarely, on Saturday’s. Even on the Saturday’s that he did have off. My dad still had clients call and he’d talk business etc while at the park, ballgames, restaurants, etc. He always put his kids first though. Don’t get think he didn’t. He treated us like royalty. All while at times not having any money to support the way he’d like. But he was calm cool and collected to his parents and brothers about his financial status. He didn’t want to appear weak. That was always the thing with my dad. Macho macho no don’t worry he’s got it kind of attitude. It’s not a terrible trait to have by any means… but this hurt him down the stretch. Within the last couple years of his life, my dad’s boss began to not be paying my dad each week like he was supposed too. Roughly $100/hr he had a great job. But his boss began fucking him over. This led to my dad saying no to toys, or even borrowing money to go to 7/11 for instance. Me being a brat I would pout my 8 or 9 year old self to tears. I couldn’t imagine how he felt when I did that. I look back on that and it hits home. My dad tried to confront his boss about legal action… but his boss used my dad’s no contract license as a weapon against him stating that if he goes down, my dad goes down with him. Now, I cannot say that was exactly what was said. But we can only assume his boss had some kind of leverage over my dad that made my dad back down from legal action to get his well earned money. We are potentially talking over 100,000 in funds missing kind of lawsuit. That could be well less than what he owed my dad. Anyway, my dad began feeling the depression. It slowly ate at his soul to the point of no return. Suicide. My dad’s last few weeks he began drinking a lot of wine. That was very unusual, and I look back on that and I wonder why I didn’t see it coming. All the hints to deep depression but my 9 year old self didn’t see it. I know, i was a kid. But still. The guilt to not have brought enough happiness or something… anyway.. my dad passed away on **/**/2007.

    This was the turning point to the relationship with my dad’s parents and my mom. Eventually even the relationship of my dad’s grandparents and their grandkids. One day my grandma (dad’s mom) called and it went to voicemail. I was the only one home to listen to it first because I saw it was grandma! Good vibes were cut short when she called for my mother. She was screaming. She stated my mom “Didn’t have the decency to call!” And swear words about her ensued. I stopped the voicemail and it took everything not to cry. I love my mom more than anything,  so her attack on my mom was the turning point for our relationship in my shoes. That was the beginning of the final straw. Later on as I grew older my mom told me stories about how she was shunned/judged from the beginning when she first dated my dad in high school. They didnt like her parents, and basically judged her at every aspect of life. From financial status to looks. It was always a problem with them about my mom. My mom told me they probably were hurt my father didn’t choose an Italian like they wanted. Instead they got a poor Irish girl who had such great drive for a career and such a great sense of humor. Maybe they wanted some hot Italian women so my grandparents could have beautiful grandchildren to watch over lmao. Who knows!?..

    Anyway. My suddenly widowed mom was shunned by her in laws. BUT when it came to having to move due to near poverty the in laws CAME SWOOPING IN to get the house that reminded them of my dad up and sold and us OUT. They probably really just helped for the sole purpose of ridding us from a home we didn’t ‘deserve’ as it was my fathers fortune/legacy/status.. its all a blur. My dad’s brothers had problems, deadass.. One brother had a problem right after high school with breaking and entering into homes and also a racist. The other brother was addicted to cocaine for quite some time in his life. (Think about the money my dad lent to him.. where did it go too, REALLY? PS. He never paid us back even when my dad was still alive.) It’s just in his blood. Use, abuse, remain pathetic.

    I will give you an example of his brother, call him Bob, level of pathetic. It is roughly 2 years after my dad died. I am angry. I began becoming more verbally abusive. Fresh responses, fights at school. Mainly that pain was for why my dad abandoned us like such… but also the horrible things students in my sisters grade were saying about dad. I became boiled with rage. I lashed out at anyone and everyone who either disrespected me for anything or my dad. Yes, sad, I know. Anyway, back to my uncle. My uncle TRIED TO TAKE INITIATIVE. Would you believe that… after being absent all my life besides the visits my dad took me and my sister to see them he now wants to be the teacher/guide. He mentioned to me how I need to be the MAN OF THE HOUSE. Yes he is talking to an angered 12 year old boy about MEN responsiblities. How I need to take care of my mom. All while he tells his daughter how to suck a dick properly… This uncle decided he would try to bond with his nephew by bringing him to a baseball game. Awesome right? I love baseball. MLB game here we come… nope. He was in some lowkey awkward af knights of honor clan or some dogshit and he got free tickets from another dedicated KNIGHT! So here we are, at a double AA baseball game.. for free… yes, the man who my dad donated his savings, time, love, etc too. Decided it was okay to be cheap as ****. I sat and watched every pitch. Literally somehow just enjoying it because it was baseball. Throughout the game my uncle would repeatedly update me on the beautiful women he saw. He pointed out the hooters beer girls walking around. He HOLLERED at them. “Hey beautiful! Come here!” I am mortified. The whole crowd is eye balling us like we were creeps. He proceeded to tell them how gorgeous they were and made me take a picture with them. He gestured to me a ‘squeeze’ motion. What could this mean? Grope? Isn’t that a bit much? Pathetic even? My dad taught me respect. My uncles dad taught them abuse. They were beatened as kids. I sometimes tell myself my uncle was beatened to retardation to somehow explain his irrational thinking. Like discussing blowjobs at the chinese restaurant one day with his daughter… i was shocked. My sisters/mom never even had ‘the talk’ with me. Let alone a sexual act… he remains a creep too me. A pathetic weirdo.

    And as for my grandparents who never called on my birthdays from age(s) 11 up to 23… i remind myself of that phone call my grandma lectured my mother about not having the decency to call. Right. Way to be a hypocrite grandma… since all those years passed. My dad’s dad passed away in 2017. I did not call. They didnt deserve it I felt. Shunning my mom and then never calling on my birthday or even wanting to be updated on their grandkids… YET they remain very close to my cousins… sad right?

    Let me know what you think of my non existent relationship with my extended family. Should I call my dad’s mom before she passes to find out what I did wrong? Why shun me? I was a boy? Innocent regardless what she thought of my mother…

    Extended families suck…

    But I remain very close to my mom, my mom’s mom (rip grandpa!) , and my sisters. I do not for a minute feel bad I don’t even think about how my uncles and grandma (dad’s mom) is doing.

    7
  23. Lily  September 9, 2020 at 10:59 pm Reply

    I’m glad I found this website…with that said I’m so sorry for all the losses I’m reading about. I am no stranger to grief, I’ve lost friendships, relationships that I’ve cared about deeply. But losing someone to death after seeing the sickness in your loved ones eyes, heart, and soul is probably one of the worst feelings in the world. Grant it I’m only 44..somewhat mid age I guess u can say…there is probably more to come. I lost my dad to brain cancer in 2009 so I was 33..I was very close to my parents. More so to my parents then my siblings. I always understood my parents more than my siblings. I’m the youngest. My brother 2 years older than me, my sister 4.5 years older. I get along with my brother but we are not close ..wish we were. My older sister..I never got along with her…it was reversed in my house…my older sister was spoiled beyond belief. She I think should have been diagnosed when we were young that she has some kind of personality disorder..we all have said to her at some point that she must be bipolar..I mean I guess we all must have something..but I do remember my sister always needing more care, more attention, more love. She got everything first..I guess it could sound like I’m jealous I probably was..I was always happy for her..but we I guess missed the mark of having that sister bond. My mom died last year April 18, 2019. I did cry so much when my dad died I. 2009. I was devastated. My dad got diagnosed, then 6 weeks later he died..gioblastoma..stage 4 brain cancer. But my mom was there in 2009 and we held on to each other. My mother was my best friend. I mean I’ve had friends ..I’ve lost a few friends b/c they moved or i lost connection. But my mom..we were so similar. I mean I think she was better than me..definitely but our souls were linked. She was really my sister, my friend and my mom..I still cant believe she is gone..I am really lost. I’m engaged…I’m with my other half almost 10 years..we should have gotten married earlier but I wasnt in a rush, I wasnt into really having kids, but I’m gonna say i guess i wish my mom was here to help me get married..help me buy a house help me decide to adopt a child because i cant have kids now. I keep hearing from people your moms soul is around you…its a nice thing to say…but she isnt here. It’s really not fair..when I got engaged…4 months later I was planning my best friends funeral b/c my sister didnt want to and my brother had the wrong date and was busy..I’m kinda ok that all that responsibility hit me..i loved my mom, my best friend (btw, my sister hated my mother..again she was a spoiled brat..i could go on about her .always complaining what she didnt get, how she was cheated in life b/c she got divorced after having a loving husband, 2 beautiful kids, walked down the aisle by my dad, and my mom was there for her) I’m glad i was there..i guess it was my purpose…but what is my purpose now? There is one thing I’m pleased with though i hated dealing with my “sick sister” and now i dont have to deal with her anymore…I had to lose my mom to lose my sister. It’s so weird…i just feel so out of place and now all i can think about is i should’ve had a child…i just feel like my life is so out of reach…i mean I’m blessed to have found someone…we cant wait to tie the knot after this covid crisis…i just wish i could find a new role..i guess i feel i dont have one…i work full time, but you cant make that your role…some people make it look so easy…thanks for listening whoever’s is there…this was cathartic

    15
  24. carol schroll  September 7, 2020 at 12:32 pm Reply

    My sister who was my only sibling was murdered by my nephew(her son) 6 months ago. Her family has been just beyond nasty to me. We had to take in my elderly mom who had been living alone but was so traumatized that she said she could no longer go back to her home. My sister’s husband and my oldest nephew have accused me of drinking, gambling away my mom’s money, and have called Adult Protective Services on us. Plus, they are stalking me and taking pictures of my car and god knows what else to “prove” I am gambling(once). My sister’s husband has threatened to call my employer if my sister’s son who isn’t in jail and her grand-daughter don’t get “their share” of my mom’s money since my sister would have received half IF my mom would have died before my sister. Has anybody else ever gone through such craziness/evil after a death in the family?

    6
  25. Christina  August 25, 2020 at 11:08 am Reply

    I’m so distressed and continually uncomfortable with my behavior concerning my father’s recent death (4 months). The family dynamics are complicated (what else is new) but i behaved in a disrespectful manner that I’m ashamed of. In lieu of this, my mother has exonerated me; told me to never call her again and doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore. I used to have a meaningful, loving relationship with my mom. Now some background: My mother lost her husband after 70 years of marriage. Four survived daughters; myself – 63 years of age. So what happened? My mother brought me, my younger sibling and her children into the bedroom. She wanted my nephew to try on some of my Dad’s clothes since he was moving out-of-state and hoped some of his suits would fit him for potential job interviews. I don’t know what came over me but I started looking at some of his other clothes and displayed them. My Dad always dressed well. Now, not that I’m blaming my sister, but she did mention that I should try on some shirts telling me how nice it looked on me. I ran with it. My mother just stood there without saying a word. In fact, I took a couple of shirts and a baseball hat that my husband gave him. Why did I behave this way; I can’t tell you. I didn’t purposely want to disrespect my mother. I’m not a bad and uncaring person. I was blind to my behavior and paying for it dearly. My mother will not answer any of my calls and at this point of time, I’ve stopped calling but I live with pain everyday. My sibling is also not speaking with me. It’s important to note that my sister seems to like to fester negative feelings and my gut feeling is that she is keeping that anger fresh in my Mom’s mind. Not trying to make excuses; just saying. I also know that whatever I say to either my Mother or sister will be negatively conveyed to each other. I feel doomed. I accept my stupid behavior and tried desperately to express my apology to no avail. My phone calls are no longer being answered. My Dad’s birthday is coming up and a mass is scheduled for August 30th. COVID may change things, but do I go? What do I do? I am now seeking professional therapy; this has brought so much havoc to my life. It’s been suggested to stop calling. I’m so upset with myself and don’t feel I’ll ever see my mother again.

    6
    • Singh  August 30, 2020 at 7:36 am Reply

      Are you ok, Christina?

      7
    • Andrea  July 20, 2021 at 1:50 am Reply

      I don’t get it- what did you do wrong?

      3
  26. GaryB  July 20, 2020 at 1:26 pm Reply

    My wifes family when she passed was shockingly non supportive of me and my sons and now invisible except when sending notifications of births and parties and other “good news” for them moments!
    I dont know what else to say other than it was very disappointing and I gave their sister 38 years as a good man to her-44 years of love in a from high school Romeo and Juliet love affair.
    I deserved better and at paid for brunch provided for after the mass not a one came to my table to console me but they would pass by 2 or 3 times to fill their guts with bacon!
    My sons at the wake? The best one got was a pat on their back as one of her family walked by.
    Since then as I enter 2 years August 9th I can give you the bland “hope alls ok” feeler texts from her sisters on one hand.
    The non emotional “Happy Birthday” and Happy Holiday baloney texts.
    I wish I could get them all together and tell them all how bad they treated us during the wake and funeral and how they shot out of town with many not even bothering to say goodbye (good bye? Many never said hello) and hitting the highway.
    I wish I could just shoot them all down with how fortunate they all are as they all live into their 70-and late 80s as I lost mine at 62! They have their retirements and futures in full view as we did- but we got 2 MONTHS of it!
    Why do you bother sending me all your wonderful life moments while you KNOW mine was robbed from me?
    Why cant you leave me alone as you did those 2 days instead of wishing me what you know will never again be a “Merry” Christmas and “Happy” Thanksgiving?
    You got yours and thats obviously all that matters to you and I cant say how many who should have shown up for her funeral-did not! There were enough shocking no shows from ones not expected from-you think thats not with me?
    The feeling I ended with after the funeral weekend was them all saying to each other “thank God thats not us” and I have every right to feel thats exactly how they felt and still feel.
    Family?
    Dont get me started!

    10
  27. Annabella  June 26, 2020 at 4:58 pm Reply

    My mother passed away a month ago after a 2 year battle with cancer. I am an only child and was her sole source of care and transportation for those years. During this, my youngest (19) lives at home and attends college. We can’t afford another car so I was also the sole person providing transportation and support while still sitting through mom’s all day chemo treatments, many Dr visits, hospitalizations, transfusions, etc and after effects. I was the only one present for every single thing. I have dedicated my entire life to sacrificing my needs for other’s needs and was put in the position of being responsible for my mother’s happiness also. The final 3 weeks we had hospice and my youngest was done with finals and could finally help with what was, at that point, a 24 hour constant cycle of needs for my mom. When she passed, I became distraught and very angry. My youngest saw the passing as “something beautiful” and did not seem to have any grief. Myself, having been caring for my mom and assisting with her support from age 14, we were close and I felt very angry about it all. The next 4 days were a blur to me, with the funeral home calling almost daily to get payment for cremation and trying to get the medical equipment back to the providers, cancel mom’s DL, SSI, etc etc… I sent texts I don’t remember sending and I don’t remember much of those 4 days. Apparently, my youngest and my bf decided that I was “being ridiculous and hostile” to them, so they began a back and forth text storm behind my back, complaining about me and my youngest even airing our family dirty laundry and telling my bf he should leave me bc I was always that way and will always be that way. He did leave and then my youngest decided to announce a plan to move out also. …and leave me holding the lease obligation on a 3 bedroom house with 10 months left. My youngest told my bf that I likely have “BPD” and need “psychiatric help”. Mind you, I have already been in counseling for these 2 years dealing with Mom’s illness and during a custody eval I had all the extensive “psyche testing” available. Neither my therapist nor the results of the testing agrees with that diagnoses. Quite the opposite. Worse yet, my youngest told my bf that I depend on her to pay my bills (bc I asked her to chip in $500/mo for her portion of car insurance, cell phone, food, necessities)..as if that amount would actually be enough to “support” me. The rent alone is nearly 3x that! This comes after my youngest had been expressing a constant dislike for my bf for a year and repeated “talks” with her trying to convince me to leave him. Now they have aligned and, although I have attempted to make amends, I feel intense betrayal and residual anger toward them both. My youngest even told me my own mother said she should abandon me and that my mother was “not happy” with me. Now that mom is gone, of course there is no way to verify that info. Up until this happened, my youngest praised me and how supportive I have been…now suddenly I am all bad and have made her life miserable for 19 years (her text to my bf stated). I am disgusted, feel betrayed and wish I could either forgive them for their behavior (which they have not apologized and only stated it was “all my fault” because I was “hostile” during the week of my mom passing) or find a way to move on without them. My bf and I had been “engaged” up to that point but I feel like I want to call that off now. However, in the emotional state of grief, it is difficult to decipher which of my angry feelings are just sadness expressed as anger or if the feelings are even justified…ugh. I just want to run away and say, forget it…fend for yourselves.

    5
  28. SE  May 18, 2020 at 2:42 am Reply

    My B-I-L took his life recently. He struggled with depression (we had that in common), PTSD, and alcoholism for years, but it’s still a shock. Beyond being sad for my sister and nieces, I’m also just sad. I knew him for over 20 years, since I was a kid. I loved him like he was my own brother. My sister and her kids moved in with my folks for the time being. I reach out to ask what I can do but the only reply from my folks is to please give them all space. They actively do not want me there. To some extent, I get it; I’m on the autism spectrum and try very hard to filter before I speak, but I have insensitive moments. I’m trying to stay focused on my sister’s needs right now and not take it personally, but I’m a little hurt. I’d like to check in with my nieces and maybe give my parents a big hug, but I’m left grieving this loss alone. I know there’s no comparison between what my sister and her family are going through. I feel like a shit for even thinking about myself in this situation. But again, I knew him for decades. He was my family. And the only people I know who knew him and miss him literally do not want to see or hear from me. I don’t even know how to process my feelings right now.

    7
  29. JAMA  March 16, 2020 at 8:44 pm Reply

    All of these stories touched me. I lost my son at age 16 car accident. Spouse became someone I didn’t know. Bery angry toward me. He Had plenty of reasons not to come home. Started hanging out with my sons friend, then his mom . I even told him at the time
    I felt like he was replacing my daughter and I with another family. We split. He still has little time for her, but is very much in to his new family. It’s been 14 years. My heart aches mostly for my daughter who was only 12 at the time and very much wants a relationship with her dad.

    4
  30. Doreen Cox  January 30, 2020 at 4:42 pm Reply

    Thanks so much for publishing this, I think it is one of the most useful for grieving families. Personally I think that the death of a loved one causes you to take a breath and look at your own life , this will often make people realize that life is too precious to live it based on the fact that “ it’s family “ “they’re your blood “ .Toxic family members are unhealthy for a happy successful life and nothing will open your eyes to this more than grief. In death you can find a new you,a better you by purging those who are toxic.

    10
  31. Erik  January 13, 2020 at 2:12 pm Reply

    Hey everybody,
    I came upon this forum and upon reading your stories found solace that I was not alone in what I was experiencing. I lost my mom to brain cancer on December 1st. My dad passed about 14 years prior. I loved my dad and had a great relationship with him. I had an absolutely wonderful relationship with my mother. She did her job well at raising a family, and as far back as I can remember, there was never any family drama. I have a brother that is 5 years younger than me. We have always been close. He got married a few years after my father died to a girl whom I liked and had a very good relationship with. Subsequently, my brother and his wife had three children whom I adored. About 12 years ago, my mom was diagnosed with Parkinson’s disease. I took her to almost every appointment, and we did so many things together: Dinners, concerts, movies, travel. Then she started complaining about vision problems etc and flash forward, I had to tell her she could not drive anymore. I asked her to come and live with me (we lived in the same city) but she was not in the major part of the city where I was located in the bustling downtown area. She did not want to live downtown. My brother and his wife packed her a few bags and told her she was coming to live with them. My mom didn’t want to, she wanted to stay in her home but it was too risky. It was a large property, and if she fell, (even though I called almost every day and came over often) we could not risk her falling (and at this time, none of us were aware of the brain cancer-she had CAT scans and MRI and nothing was showing up). So, mom went to live with them for a little over 2 months. I went to look for assisted living homes in the city that would provide the best care for her. I found one that truly stood out and told my brother about it. We took my mom and she loved it, but my brother and his wife still wanted her to remain with them. My main concern was twofold: Neither my brother, nor his wife were doctors and I was also worried that with all the kids and pets etc…if my mom fell, they would say “Well, we can’t keep her here.” …Well, she fell in their home and that response was exactly what I received. So into the Assisted Living home she went. About a month after being there, my mom’s health started to rapidly decline. One day she was rushed to the hospital and during the tests it was discovered she had a very rapid form of brain cancer. We as a family had to decide quickly if she would have brain surgery or not. My mom was 80 years old and a bit frail from this, but she wanted to do it. The surgeon said if she had the surgery: 11 months. If she opted out: 3 months tops. Two days later she was scheduled for surgery. Then right before the surgery, my brother, his wife and I were in my moms hospital room when my sister-in-law blurted out :”There is a smoke detector in mom’s house that’s beeping. Can you go replace the battery?” “Sure.” I said, thinking “well, no one is living there, so I’ll do it next time I go over there”-which would have been a few days later (I also got a little irritated that she was always referring to our mother as “mom”-I don’t know why it irritated me, but it did). She replied to my “Sure” with “Well don’t say you’re going to and then don’t do it.”…and I said “I said I’ll do it and I will.”
    So, my mom has the surgery, comes out of it with flying colors and I think everything is going to be fine…Boy was I wrong. The night of our mom’s brain surgery, as my brother and I are leaving the hospital he tells me he and his family are leaving for a trip. I also had a trip planned for that same weekend, but I had canceled everything just prior to my mom’s surgery. I said “Can’t it wait? Mom just had brain surgery.” He stated that they were going. That they had “not had a vacation in a few years.” I said “Well, it’s your life. I’m not going to tell you what to do.” My brother then became very concerned with what time I would be at the hospital, How long I would be there etc…He told me to “Call after you get home from the hospital and let us know how she was doing.”
    That next morning I went and spent all day and evening with my mom. Around 7pm I told her that I was going to run and grab a bite to eat. I hadn’t eaten all day and I was starving. I told her I’d be right back. As I was paying for my food, my phone went off. I noticed that my brother and his wife had been trying to call me. Since my sister-in-law was the last to call, I redialed her: She answered the phone in a very abrupt tone and asked how “mom” was(for some reason, maybe due to stress and hunger and no sleep, I found her reference of mom even more irritating than usual) I said she was fine and that I was still at the hospital with her. She then said “I see. Did you replace the battery in the smoke detector like I asked you to?”…To say I was shocked was an understatement. I said : “Not yet. I haven’t had time…” and with that she said “Never mind. I’ll do it myself.” and hung up on me. I was not even going to call back and have some war of words…Then the text came…3 pages of nothing but insults: You’re inconsiderate, disrespectful, rude…you name it, I was called it. Me who had been my mom’s primary caretaker. Me who was with my mom the day after her surgery and not 3 hours away on a trip that could have been rescheduled for another time. I told her not to ever speak to me like that. I texted my brother and told him to make her stop. I was getting angry and she had no right to say any of these things. There wasn’t a ring of truth to any of it and I didn’t appreciate it at all.
    No response.
    This drug out between the three of us until my moms death. My brother completely turning on me. Refusing to let me even see their kids whom I loved more than anything. My mom became acutely aware something was up and begged me to try and fix it-but to no avail. My brother and his wife made it their mission to try and cause as much pain and trouble as they possibly could and to this day I cannot figure out why.
    My own brother lied to me about radiation appointments for our mom I was supposed to go to.
    He called me and told me I was a horrible brother and a horrible son to our parents.
    He and his wife cleaned out our moms room at the assisted living home the day after she died (after I said that all 3 of us -me, my brother and his wife) need to do that together. They went in at 5am the next morning and cleaned everything out and notified me after.
    My brother went to the bank and cleaned out my parents’ safety deposit box the day before we were supposed to meet at the bank to do it.
    -Mind you, we were both co-executors of my parents’ estate.
    These are just a handful of the things I was subjected to. We have not spoken at all. I just found out my brother and his family moved away and he never even said he was moving or anything. Not even a goodbye. Very sad but I’m finding this happens much more frequently than I thought. My thoughts are with you all.

    10
  32. Bob  December 28, 2019 at 3:46 pm Reply

    This article was very interesting. I am so out of control I almost don’t know where to begin. Some family background, Mom and Dad married 50 years. Got married since my Mother was pregnant, not necessarily because they were a good match. They have 4 kids together…..3 boys and 1 girl. I am writing this today, and I am the oldest of the children (50). My parents marriage was subjected to infidelity from early on. My Dad never really had very strong feelings for my Mom and if a pretty emotionless person. Looking back, I think they were too busy raising the kids to recognize their differences. My Mom and I were cut from the same cloth, and the other 3 sibling were much closer with their Dad. My Mom wanted a close relationship with all her kids, but some of them just didn’t mesh as well as her and I did. I vividly remember at the age of 12 or 13, my Mom finding out about an affair my Dad had. She made an attempt at taking her life. Luckily she lived, but had a very unhappy marriage. This continued on mostly unbeknownst to most of us at the time. My Mom eventually turned to me as someone to talk to, cry with, and seek advise. The hours that were spent were countless over a period of years. I loved my Mother so much that I would do anything for her without question. At the time I chose to listen, support her, comfort her, but didn’t really want to bear the burden of telling her what to do. My Mom simply didn’t have the courage to file for divorce. My Dad, who really had no feelings for her, no emotions, was able to tolerate his situation. He was not going to file for divorce either, since his most important asset in life was his money/paycheck, and he wasn’t voluntarily going to cut that in half, probably lose the house, and be court ordered to pay child support. So over the years, they remained together. Basically living somewhat separate lives, just under the same roof. I had some serious issues with my Dad’s infidelity when I was in school and seen the hurt and pain he was causing my Mom. Beyond that I still remembered what he had done, but didn’t dwell on it. Three years ago my Mom gets sick, has sustained some loss of cognitive function and would require 24 hour round the clock care. After a month in ICU and two month in skilled nursing with some progress, but not enough to keep the insurance company happy. The options were to move her to long-term care within the nursing home or bring her back to her house. There really was no decision, I quit my job and cared for my Mother for three years. I did get some much needed help from my sister, but had 1 brother living out of state who couldn’t do anything and 1 brother living nearby, who just wasn’t interested in doing much. She lasted 3 years…….it still breaks my heart…….I still can’t accept her passing in Feb. 2019. In the beginning there is so much that is occurring, you are numb, and things are just seriously out of whack. Your thinking is not normal if you can manage to think at all. We were all grieving in our own way, which I know from all my reading is a very normal thing. Within our family, it was I that was taking my Mom’s death the hardest. Nobody was surprised by that. I continued to stay in the home and provide some assistance to my Dad who has Parkinson’s Disease. He doesn’t require anywhere near the amount of care that my Mom did. That lasted about 7 or 8 months after Mom died. It was then that his infidelity within their marriage really started a fire within me. I was devastated by the loss of my Mom, guilty that all the time spent listening to and comforting my Mom when she needed someone to talk to I should have pushed her to get the Divorce. I’m sure she would have done it with my consistent encouragement. Coupled with having to think about this person whom I cared so much about, suffered and dealt with sadness in her marriage because of my Dad’s actions. She was the most wonderful, loving, person you can imagine. Long story short, I moved out of their house. #1 it didn’t feel like home anymore, and #2 I couldn’t stand the sight of my Dad. Here we are a couple months later. I couldn’t attend the holidays this year, it was just too much emotionally for me. I have done some not so nice things to my Dad, in an effort to cause him to feel the way he made my Mom feel. The family is divided, my 3 siblings support their Dad and my deceased Mother would have had my back to the bitter end if she were still alive. I am not married, suffering from major depression, which I see my Dr. for and take prescribed meds for. Have gone to a therapist a couple times. Not really knowing what to think or what to do. I do not think I have the ability to forgive my Dad. I really just don’t see much purpose for anything at the moment. I am interested to hear of any similar experiences and how they evolved and people moved on, either with or without the family that once was. Really all I want is my Mom……………hoping I get some comments from other readers. Thanks for your time and sorry for the loss that has brought you to this page.

    5
    • Laura  January 11, 2020 at 3:55 pm Reply

      Hi Bob,

      This was my first time looking up possible answers/solutions to my overwhelming feelings of resentment toward my father and brother almost 4 years after my mother’s death… And I can’t believe how much I relate to the article and your situation. Unfortunately, I can’t offer you much insight, considering I think we both came here hoping for some sort of guidance, but I can at least tell you you’re not alone in your feelings. And that only you can know what is truly best for you so don’t feel bad about whatever that is.

      Hope things get better for you.

      4
  33. JAMES FREELONG  November 18, 2019 at 6:10 am Reply

    I’m so sorry for your loss to all of you wonderful people with big open hearts whom lost loved ones.
    I’m single parent. As you read lost my wife. Me my son 11 my daughter 13. Very hard life my babies keep me going.
    Here is my question WHY ?

    I REALLY THINK I’M CONFUSED IN LIFE .? I LOVE MY LIFE.? I LOVE MY FAMILY.? SOMETIMES I FEEL LIKE I HAVE NO FAMILY.? WITH ALL THE DEATHS WE HAVE HAD IN THE IMMEDIATE FAMILY.?
    I MEAN MY DAD 2009,MY DAUGHTER 2010. IN BETWEEN 2010 TO 2016 I HAVE LOST AUNTS UNCLES COUSINS ECT. IN 2016 MY MOM GOT REALLY SICK. HEART PROBLEMS OPEN HEART SURGERY. THEN ALL WENT DOWN HILL??? MOM LAID UP IN REHAB. HORRIBLE CARE TAKERS IN VEGAS?. MY SISTER Lois AND HER LOVER Randy DROVE DOWN TO VISIT MOM.? MY DAUGHTER Jenifer ?‍?AND Jesse ?‍? Juli ?‍?MY SELF? AND Lynn ? WE ALL MADE IT DOWN THERE TO SEE MOM/GRANDMA.? DEPENDING ON WORK / SCHOOL SCHEDULE . THEN 2016 LOIS GOT SICK HAVING CIRRHOSIS OF THE LIVER. SHE PASSED AWAY JANUARY 25 2016.
    NOW THINGS GET REALLY TOUGH?. LOST MY SISTER . ME AND MY SIBLINGS HAD TO MAKE THE DECISION OF RATHER TO TELL MOM WHOM WAS IN REHAB IN REALLY BAD SHAPE.????☠ WE CHOSE NO NOT TO. SHE WOULDN’T BEABLE TO HANDLE THE HORRIFIC NEWS OF HER DAUGHTER DIEING DUE TO HER WEEK HEART.??? THEN A VERY CLOSE COUSIN Theresa Silva GOT SICK AND PASSED AWAY. THEN 5 MONTHS LATER WE LOST MOM JUNE 15TH 2016 WHY???
    THEN I GET NEWS THAT MY SON WAS IN A REALLY BAD MOTORCYCLE ACCIDENT ???????? HE SURVIVED AFTER 4 MAJOR SURGERY’S LATER. AND IT HAS BASICALLY RUINED HIS FUTURE LIFE.
    I FELT LIFE WAS WILTING AWAY FOR ME???.
    SO ME AND LYNN GET MARRIED ON JULY 23 2017. THEN 1 YR 11 DAYS LATER MY WIFE PASSED AWAY AUG 03 2018.??????????????????????????????
    LORD HELP ME!!!

    SO THIS HAS BEEN THE LAST 10 YEARS OF MY LIFE. AND WONDER WHY MY FAMILY HAS FELL APART.

    I DONT GET IT. ???????????
    I TRIED TO EVEN GOOGLE TO GET ANSWERS.
    ????????????????????

    5
    • Rebecca  March 7, 2020 at 5:23 am Reply

      James, ur story touched me…I am so sorry for ur losses. I was not equipped for loss. Growing up, I lost my step grandfather and a cousin when I was young. When I was 19, I lost my maternal grandfather who I loved dearly. I went about life and when I was 37 I lost my 1st daughter who was 16… she was gorgeous, but tortured. That was my 1st loss that I really encountered. I wondered why God hurt me and took her. I definitely wasn’t perfect in my life, but why me??? I had my other daughter and son to take care of. Otherwise I would be “out”. Gabriella died in 2008, and the last year it has really hit me. I can only imagine several losses in a row…i don’t know how u cope with that. I have 2 grandchildren on the way, loving family, great friends, and money, but why do I feel so numb and so fucked out of life??? I just want my sanity back, so I go on all these web pages trying to figure out what’s next. It’s nice to know I’m not the only one. I’m here if u need to talk, and sometimes u just need to spit the poison out that ur thinking…its alright, I’m here whatever u need.

      5
  34. guilty  October 5, 2019 at 12:27 am Reply

    I feel maybe this is the only place i can write my story. I am the middle child in all 3 girl and 1 boy. My 2 sister are both blind and my brother was 3 years older then me. From very young age we were in survival mode in our family and i assume the role of the protector when ever my dad decided to beat my mom or my brother and sisters. It became so bad we had to hide my mom in the truck of the car. We beg my mom to leave my dad but where would she go with 2 disable child she use to tell us. Money was not a problem and my father was very well respected in the community. So when i tried to call the social worker they called my dad to pick me up saying it was a lie. Eventualy my mom asked for divorce by then she taught she would be save but she has to run away for her life bringing my brother and youngest sister. I stayed out east got married and my eldest sister live in a support group for and love it. I had 2 boys while my kids where young my brother live with us and we had a pretty good relationship . Then my dad ask him to work for him and abuse him terribly. Then he move out west but he was never the same . I got divorce and also moved out west. My brother i think i got involve in drugs im not really sure but when my kids became in their teens he started threatening me and he assaulted me and my children thats when i had to put a end and put a peace bond. That really did change the love i had for my brother i cried in the crown prosecutor office begging them to help my brother. but that is not their mandate they told me. Things got worse and the family started spitting up being the only boy my mom would always defend him. This one night i had a dream my brother was dead i called my mom and said my brother is dead. She said what are you talking about i just saw him. I kept dreaming the same dream i really was confuse. A month later i woke up and was watching a movie called the messenger where these people tell the parents of fallen soldier you son died ect. I was about halway threw the movie when my doorbell ran at 4 am. I should also say that prior to that i have a sense that i had to tell my brother i love him but because of the peacebond i couldnt. I looked out the door 2 civilian. I said who is it they say where the police. My answer was no your not you have no uniform then i fell to my knee and i remembered the movie i scream my brothers name over and over again and said he is dead. I let them him. Then said can we help you. I was so very mad. Help me a little to late my brother dead. Then they told me my brother was just a innocent by stander on the bus and someone stabbed him to death. It had nothing to do with his lifes stile. My brother was murdered. The one i was suppose to protec i failed. Then like all of your story my mom became mean to me. I arrange the funeral. I baught his clothes. I let everyone. Even i forgot to mention i have chronic pain right not am i am not very mobile. I got told i wish it was you. On my father side i got told you didn’t even love your brother you had peace bond on him. When my own dad encourage me. I release information about my brother in the newspaper and i choose to only talk about his good side my dad girlfriend wrote under the digital article if only if was true nothing but lie because i didn’t mention my brother pass with the law.It’s only been one month but it’s so hard. Even my youngest son was attack by my mom. I can’t cry in front of my children it hurts them too much. I can’t cry in front of my mom and sister i should be tuff so it comes out in my dream. The kids wake me up because i am crying in my dream this is where i talk to my brother and beg him not to leave. I am not sure who is right or wrong but having come from a abusive childhood i had to protect my children. That did not take away from the love i had for my brother. Not one day went by that i did not worry for him. I miss him more then anything.

    3
    • Anna James  October 27, 2019 at 6:51 pm Reply

      Oh, I am so sorry. How heartbreaking. Of course you loved your brother. So much dysfunction and so many misunderstandings… You must be an incredibly strong person. I wish you the best.

    • Jenn  November 3, 2019 at 5:03 am Reply

      Hi, I am very sorry for your loss and understand this is a difficult time. I am mourning the loss of my husband and it’s the hardest thing I have ever faced in life. I will say that I feel that some sense of guilt is part of the mourning process. It seems that many find some way or form of guilt to feel and it is easy to do so? Why because relationships are not perfect. So whether it was the last argument, words said or unsaid, decisions we made because we had to, we will think of it when the person is gone and wonder if we could have done more. It may come from a place of longing and missing the person but it surely comes from love. You loved and still love your brother. You also love your children and any parent who loves their children will do anything they can to protect their children. Your love for your children is not a lack of love for your brother. He faced struggles that posed a danger to hour children and you made the right decision. I know you would have preferred to have spent more time with him, but the circumstances made it so that it was toxic to do so. Your decision is not likely to have changed the outcome as this is something that could have happened randomly to anyone. Please don’t beat yourself up. You love your brother and have always loved your brother. You also love your children and there’s nothing wrong with that. I hope time heals your broken heart. It’s a tough and long journey. I lost my dad five years before now losing my husband. All of what you are feeling is normal to this terrible pain. Wishing you blessings. Stay strong for your babies (no matter their age).

    • Rebecca  March 7, 2020 at 5:44 am Reply

      Why do u say ur guilty? U didn’t do anything wrong! Unfortunately we are all a little fucked up by our upbringing, no matter how catered, how loving, or how horrible it was. All of us on this site are searching for forgiveness and being able to finally say what we mean. My oldest daughter commited suicide at 16, but before she did, she was ruthless to her sister mostly that was 4 years younger and my son was her partner in crime. She was my girl, I will always love, want, and miss her. The things I found out about her and what she did are unbelievable, and horrible, but it still doesn’t diminish she was my beautiful princess. Unfortunately the children of mine that she hurt, will forever be scarred, how they loved, but hated her too. Imagine putting that on 12 year olds. Now my 2 living children are getting ready to have their 1st child each…5 months apart…how I’m so excited, but sad I let my children suffer. I will be the best grandparent, I will love and protect them. Something I should have done as a parent, but such is the cycle…when u are a grandparent u have more time, money, everything that u didn’t why u were raising ur family. I wish things were different but they aren’t. It’s nice to be able to spit it out!

      1
  35. kaitlynn giesbrecht  July 30, 2019 at 4:47 pm Reply

    Wow this a great article. I wish i had this when my dad died four years ago. So i have a question. When my dad passed my mom was obviously hurting but she did and said alot of really hurtful things. I was 23, married, and an only child. I felt really rejected and it took a couples years for us too get to a healthier place. I notice now though that everytime we disagree, she goes backbto being this really hurtful person. Saying im not kind and much more hurtful things then that. At the moment she has cut me, my husband, and my son off because we have wronged her. My husband is just as confussed as I am. Is this expected behaviour? Should just be used to this a normal? She is all I have for family and it is devastatimg.

    1
    • Dasha  December 12, 2019 at 4:32 am Reply

      Hey Kaitlyn,

      I am currently going through a very similar situation with my mom. She was literally my best friend, rarely had arguments but if we did they’d only last 5 minutes before cracking a joke, but we lost someone very dear to us and she has turned quite mean to me and my family. We are currently in the middle of building a home for us and one for her on the same property and she is saying some very out of character things and telling my hubby that he is ego tripping and she feels very wronged by us even though we are literally in the middle of trying to build her home. I really don’t know what to do, I am so lost and so hurt that she is choosing to hurt me and my family during this time.

  36. Caitlyn  April 30, 2019 at 4:11 am Reply

    I’m so sorry for everyone’s loss on here.

    In boxing day, 2017, my brother and I caught the flu and couldn’t get out of bed, typical in the winter. The next few days, the 29th December, I managed to get out of bed, my first thought was to see my brother and take him a drink of water. I got to his room and he smiled at me from his bed and said “I’m starting to feel better now!” His skin was so cold, hiss complexion was so pale, I gave him his water was told him to wrap up warm under the duvet and he did. I told him I loved him.

    I didn’t realise that was the last time I’d see him. The next morning I woke to my mum screaming his name, my little brother was crying on me in my bed saying “something’s wrong with Cameron… I think he’s dead” and I remember replying with “he’s 19 with the flu. 19 year olds don’t die with the flu!” The paramedics showed up not long after I’d said that, I called my oldest brother and told him something was wrong with Cameron and to come home from work. Before he even got home, the paramedics pronounced Cameron dead. I had to phone everyone, mine and camerons dad, my other brothers dad as he had raised us all, grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles… I had to because everyone else was sat on my bed crying, my mum, step dad, and both remaining brothers were such a mess that at 18, I had to make the call to everyone we knew at 8am, on my grandma’s birthday.

    Since that morning, everyone has relied on me to be the strong one, I can’t cry in front of my family because I’m meant to support them, my little brother has become spoily, every wish is met, my oldest brother pretends Cameron never existed. My step dad… I don’t even know he feels anymore. But my mum. My mum takes her grief out on me. I was only 15 months younger than Cameron, and we were ill together. One night I heard her say “why Cameron and not Caitlyn?!”.

    I already feel guilty for surviving. It would have been easier if I had died, everyone would have been happier faster if it had been me.

    It’s been a year and a half, still no easier. This morning my mum woke me up on my day off from college and demanded I go to work for her, unpaid. She then continued that I needed to get a job on top of that and a more active social life. I retaliated. I don’t want a job, or an overly-active social life, I just want to pass my college course. One thing at a time.

    I told her that it’s not fair that she expects so much from only me, I pointed out that my 16 year old brother goes to school then sits alone in his room all day, and that’s fine, my 25 year old brother works part time and pushed all his friends away, and that’s fine. My step dad works, then sits in silence all day, and that’s fine, she works part time, then comes home and doesn’t move off the sofa, and that’s fine, but I can’t just focus on my education, sometimes I see friends on my days off or on the weekend, sometimes I draw to calm my anxiety, sometimes I just sit and chill out before college starts again, but that’s not ok, I need to do more, unlike everyone else.

    Last time I helped my mum out at her work, her boss smashed my phone and said nothing. She admitted to doing it but never apologised and we had to pay for fixing it. I don’t want to go back there again.

    As for work, I’ve tried to work and do my college course, it doesn’t work. I have a very creative, hands on and time consuming course. The next film I make determines if I pass onto next year or not. I want to continue to next year so much, but she thinks I’m being dramatic by spending so much time on it. I already dropped out of one course, this is my second attempt and I don’t want to fail again. I just wish she would understand.

    Sometimes it feels like she forgets I’m grieving too, Cameron was like my twin, we did everything together from the minute I could move freely, even before I could move, he would bring me toys and food, and place them round my head in the cot. He even gave me my nickname which is now used by everyone I know.

    I think she forgets that I’m human, I feel things too, I have emotions and valid opinions and I am allowed to take things at my own pace. I think she forgets that I’m struggling every day and sometimes I need a day off too. She often uses Cameron’s death against me, whether it’s using my survivors guilt to make me do or feel something, or straight out yelling “my son died! Do what I say!” (Exactly what she said on holiday when I didn’t want my picture taken). She doesn’t like it when I reply with “my brother died too”. She likes to tell me to f*ck off wherever I share an opinion that doesn’t match hers…

    I don’t know how much longer I can handle being her emotional and mental punching bag.

    3
    • Nicole  May 8, 2019 at 12:59 am Reply

      Wow. I read your story and i’m sorry for what your mom is putting you through. I think it’s time that you figure out boundaries and set them. It will be hard at first but good for both you and your mom in the long run.

      I have a similar story. Both of my nieces had the flu at the same time and unfortunately one of them passed away. We lucky enough that my sister woke up in the middle of the night to check on her so we had a few extra days with her at the hospital– even though she was brain dead when we arrived. At least we all had time to say goodbye and know that we tried everything possible.

      My nieces are much younger than you but I can already see my sister acting this way towards her living child. My sister and I are 14 years apart and she practically raised me after my dad passed away. My nieces were like little sisters to me because I lived with them and spent quite a lot of time with them. It hurts me to watch and I do not see it improving any time soon. Thank you for sharing your story because it gives me insight on how my niece is feeling and it will allow me to hopefully help her cope with the loss of her little sister. Just know that your mom loves you. A LOT but her entire world was flipped upside down as was yours. I know that for almost half of my life now I have been the “strong one” for my family after loosing my dad. I don’t think a single one of my family members have seen me cry because I was so numb and “strong”. Now after loosing my niece I have come to terms with my emotions and am trying to cope in healthy ways BUT I am doing that by setting boundaries for myself. Your mothers pain is immeasurable but so is yours. Help yourself before you help others.

      2
    • Miranda Clayton  August 28, 2019 at 3:34 am Reply

      I am so very sorry Caitlyn, sorry about your beloved brother Cameron and so sorry for what you went through. What hit a raw nerve with me was when you heard your mother say “why Cameron and Not Caitlyn” that really screwed me up and I feel for you. NOBODY should have died. It hurt me too, especially when my mom screamed at me from her hospital bed in the ward and I can still hear those accusing words right now “IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT THAT YOUR DAD DIED” and that HURT, so I know EXACTLY how you feel. I have forgiven my mother, because she was overwhelmed with grief and she couldn’t help it, because she was dying also. My grief actually deepened following this catastrophe, my youngest sister who was with me that day when my mother accused me of my father’s death, actually survived my father by 8 weeks and I was extremely shocked, she was my BEST friend, my WORLD and I lost her. Then my mother died a few weeks later. I am STILL GRIEVING, STILL CRYING, STILL WONDERING WHY ALL THIS HAPPEND in the first place and that was nearly 4 years ago. I know it is hard, but please try to forgive your mom for her HORRIBLE shortcomings. My father once told me that when something tragic like this happens, the nearest and dearest takes their grief anger out on the one that they love the most and that apparently is you Caitlyn. I am so very sorry sweet and I know exactly how you feel. Had my youngest sister survived her illness, she would not recognise my character today because I have turned into a very bitter person and I never used to be like that. I lost my middle sister last Christmas, now I am entirely all alone and literally. God bless you always Caitlyn and God bless your precious brother Cameron, NEVER forget him, he will always be with you in spirit. SORRY!!

      4
  37. D. Rah  March 7, 2019 at 1:27 pm Reply

    I’m on the East Coast and my husband was from the West Coast. We met online.. Sparks flew.. and we got married. I am studying and working at the same time, and i had put in a lot of effort and work into my education that I made plans to move after I graduate. We had known each other for three years and married for one year. I thought i had it all. The most loving husband and extremely caring In-laws. Last Christmas, we all planned a trip overseas. My parents were already there fixing the vacation home, so my in laws, my brother in law, my husband and I would be able to just plot ourselves right in. I’ve been on vacation before with my in laws, and they are very demanding, but I was able to tolerate it, so I figured.. I could do that at my parents’ place, as well. My husband didn’t look good. I didn’t see him for 2 weeks… but i noticed he lost a lot of weight. He said he just had a cough. Anyway, during the vacation my husband and I were talking about the house we were going to live in. Initially, my F.I.L said he only had $75,000 left on the mortgage for one of his houses and he wanted us to build a house on an empty lot he had… My husband was paying for the property tax and he even took money from me for that lot… Which was fine, with me. But I had to figure out how we would pay for everything because I’m a planner. I was doing what every wife does. Ask about money. My husband was reluctant to answer.. I was a bit annoyed with him and said, FINE.. when i move there permanently, I need you to be completely HONEST with me about what you have and don’t have.. if you have any debt do not hide it from me. If there’s a will, there’s a way. After which, my husband told me he had a $6,000 debt. So my question to him was.. if you can’t pay $6000 then there isno way we can afford to build a house. After all, the property was on his father’s name.. my name was no where on the deeds, and i also had been paying for it. The vacation we were on, all expenses were paid by my parents.. Anyway. my in laws wanted everything 5 star. AGAIN, i tolerated it… but it was becoming frustrating noticing my parents were slaving away for my in laws. my husband started to notice this , as well.. and even tried to explain to his parents to not be so harsh on my parents. to which my father in law replied, “then why did they invite us over?”

    Anyway, back to the house discussion. I asked my husband to ask his father when he goes home to ask for the mortgage papers for both of the properties. His father replied, “there is $250,000 left on the mortgage and we didn’t need to worry abou tthe mortgage papers. We should pay him monthly $3,500. I only make $6,000 per month.. and my husband was in debt.. which i didn’t want to pay off until i was there on the west coast. My husband was extremely dumbfounded by the hike in mortgage. And i was not a happy camper. But, I was taught to be easy going, and I told my husband, look we don’t need the property.. we can stay at your father’s home, until all of your debt is clear and we have at least $200,000 in the bank so we can pay a down payment for some other home. Even if it takes 10 years to save that type of money, we can do it..

    My husband broke down and cried… and begged me not to leave him. I went to hug him and noticed his chest was warm. I started to cry, as well and told him I would never leave him and I’ll always support him but i was so confused about why he would ask me not to leave him.. It was the first time I had seen my husband break down… and that brought me to tears. After I asked him..”Are you okay? Look let’s forget everything. Let’s not think about anything until I come there. I will pay off your debt.. it’s not a lot of money. But i can’t do that until I move there.” All was well. Then i said, “Babe, do you want to see a doctor?” he replied with, “No. It’s just this cough.. and i’m really cold.. but we’re going home tomorrow.. I rather see my doctor than one over here.”

    we both took a nap. and when we woke up.. we packed our bags. I watched my husband and he looked like he was thinking a lot. I asked him what was on his mind.. I even told him, “stop thinking i’m going to leave you!” He then said, “I know I’m not thiking anything, Babe.” He was just thinking.. and i could tell when my husband is in thinking mode. He didn’t look happy.. So i then asked him, “Do you want to go watch a movie?” he smiled at me, kissed me and said, “Sure”

    We went downstairs and asked everyone if they wanted to come to the movies. Everyone said no, except my Father in Law. So he joined us. We walked to the theatre., it was right around the corner. We bought soda and popcorn for my FIL. during the movie, my husband held my hand and said he was tired he’s going to take a nap.. He turned to his father and said, “Dad are you eating popcorn?” his father replied, “Yes”.. then he closed his eyes. He whispered to me, “Babe, I love you.” I whispered back, “I love you.. Hey grow a mustache for me when we go back home!” he opened his eyes slightly, smirked and said, “Sure”. He closed his eyes, and quickly said, “I love you.” again. I looked at him, and said, “Why did you say that so fast?” he just smiled with his eyes closed.

    2 minutes later.. he jerked his hand out of my hand.. shook.. and rolled his eyes up. My husband had a silent heart attack and passed away right at the theatre. we were in another country.. i had no idea what to do. I was shouting screaming.. my FIL was so confused.. They shut down the theatre and called an ambulance.. I tried to give him CPR, Compressions.. everything and anything.. NOTHING worked. He was announced dead in the ambulance. I was in deep shock. I think I had lost it.. at least that is what everyone was telling me. My entire time, I’m thinking it’s all my fault.

    It took over 1 week to bring his body back home. His brother contacted my brother back home to transfer money for his body transfer… I didn’t know that.. until i saw 3 weeks later, that i was CC’d on all of the emails. I was a gone case.. My brother couldn’t do it, due to him being in another country.

    So my husband’s elder brother took care of the arrangements. As soon as we knew we could transfer him back home… my parents also paid for their tickets to fly back with me. His younger brother didn’t have enough money so my mom paid for his ticket, as well.. His flight cost my mom$3000.. so my parents just spent $10,000 on 3 tickets. My in laws however… refused to pay for their ticket and demanded STAND BY TICKETS. this time i did not offer to pay for their tickets. i was tired and I was going through a mental break down. But they were so confident they would get standby tickets. The airlines upgraded my ticket to business class, and my mother in law asked if she could switch her seat with me. The steward bluntly said no. I was willing to give my seat up. and the airline staff said I can’t. My mother in law was angry with me.

    When we got back to his house… I was floored.. His extended family took care of everything. They really put so much effort into it. But the first thing his brother asked me was to put in all the paper work for my husband’s pension. and to file a report to his workplace for a funeral cost refund. My brother in law paid $7000 CAD for the funeral and wanted that money to be paid back to him.

    I didn’t say anything.. i just went with it.. I really was not myself. I just lost my husband. I had NO children with him.. I asked for 3 things at his home.. his wedding outfit, his cell phone, his shoes that he died in.. To which, his extended family replied, “You are his wife.. you can have whatever you want.”

    His father then said, “I wanted those things.. and I’m not giving them to you.”

    They blamed me for my husband’s death. To which i truly believed It was all my fault. I still do believe it.. I think i gave my husband a heart attack from talking about money.

    I have nothing of my husband’s. I wanted to leave on good terms. so they have everything of his. I have not stopped crying since. my parents forced me to see a therapist. I have to go 3 times/week and they even prescribed me medication. But I honestly feel like i shouldn’t be living.

    Anyway, a month later, my brother in law contacted me again because he didn’t get the money from my husband’s workplace. and the pension money can’t be sent to me until I go there officially and sign it off. I find out through a credit check,.. my husband didn’t have a $6000 debt, but he had a $30,000 debt. He was paying for my father in law’s properties, their groceries.. their vacations…for the past 6 years… and HE paid for our reception.. and the debt accrued starting a year ago. right before we got married. So i’m feeling guilty for that, as well.

    I never took a dime for my husband.. in fact, i was paying him when he couldn’t pay for things. My therapist thinks I should talk to a lawyer, but i really don’t want to. They lost their son as I have lost my husband. I don’t want to play dirty.. i just want PEACE. But I’m constantly being bothered about money. I don’t have a money tree, nor do my parents, nor does my brother. We just work really really hard… and i can CARELESS about his pension money.. It’s not going to bring my husband back.. Seeing that money will just make me angry.. because that’s what started this mess.. at least that’s what i think. If I didn’t nag about money then he would be alive today.

    My mother in law claimed $1,000,000 from a life insurance policy that my husband had left under her name. They didn’t give it to her yet. I don’t know.. I stopped asking.

    I loved my husband. He treated me very well.. but he also kept a huge financial secret from me. I don’t know how Canadian law works.. Do i have to pay his debt or not.. i was hoping i could use the pension money to pay off any debt that may be pushed on to me. If not, then i want to donate that to a Heart Research fund. So much is going on in my mind.. but my in laws believe I’m having the time of my life. .. and I’m really not. I’m SOOOOOOOO tired. and hoping I get a heart attack so I could be with my husband. ..

    I have nothing, except photos of him and his wedding ring.. Not a single shirt.. not a single sock.. I know I’m so selfish. I am trying not to be.. that’s why I stopped asking for things.. but I really loved that man. He was everything for me.

    3
    • AMANDA HAAS  March 23, 2019 at 2:30 pm Reply

      Hey D.
      You’re doing an amazing job and I’m so sorry your in-laws have been abhorrent. You need to focus on yourself as they try to agitate you. A lawyer might help as you can just tell them to call your lawyer for info. If you’re not able to hire one, just tell them to approach you through mail or email due to your cell service being limited or something. It’s not right what they are doing to you, and you’re only one person. You have every right to limit or cease contact with them. I am so sorry for your loss and hope you the best for you!

  38. Tierra  February 20, 2019 at 10:40 am Reply

    Hi! I’m Tierrra and I would just like to ask if who is the author of Family Misunderstanding After a Death which is from this blog… I just badly need it to use as a reference in our research. We’re not allowed to use the name of the website. Please do notice meee

    • Mary Andol  May 9, 2019 at 6:38 am Reply

      Litsa Williams and Eleanor Haley are the authors on this blog. Hope that helps you document your research. Go to About and you’ll see their photos.

  39. Krumble  February 9, 2019 at 6:00 am Reply

    I am fairly lucky in that my family is loving and supportive and There has been no fighting once we have all become adults. But there is familial mental illness and parental issues and such. I wonder if anyone else has experienced fear or anxiety or depression at the prospect of seeing family when the only reason you’ve seen them the last few times has been funerals? My father and brother died over 10 years ago and 5 years apart, but I still have such a negative feeling when I think about seeing my siblings or other family, that I have been avoiding it. I have this terrible negative association with these very nice people.

    It’s very sad.

  40. Amy  January 19, 2019 at 8:39 pm Reply

    I was brought up by an alcoholic mother and no father in the picture. The only person I had in my life whom I knew loved and protected me was my older brother. He had assumed the caregiver role for me when I was still in diapers, even though he was only a couple of years older. He was the one making sure I got enough to eat, was clean and wore clean clothes, did my homework and my chores. I did poorly in school because of my undiagnosed dyslexia and it was my brother who patiently helped me understand my schoolwork when no one else cared. He was the reason I didn’t drop/flunk out. Our mother was either mentally ill or too far gone in her alcoholism to care about us, so we were dependent on each other psychologically. She would bring home men, some of whom would try to molest me and I started sleeping in my bed with my brother because he would cause a ruckus if they came in the room and tried something. We had both been in foster care when we were younger and were molested there, so my brother and I decided we would never go back, so we never told anyone what was going on at home. When we were teenagers, we would drive our mother to work so she wouldn’t get fired for being late at the bottling plant she worked at. I loved my brother more than anyone else in the world, but I needed him more than I loved him. Since we were still sleeping in the same bed together, he was physically reacting to that and I realized that if I stayed in his bed, we were going to end up having sex. He was also really stressed out and crying when he thought he was alone. I knew that if he fell apart, I couldn’t keep things going by myself and I still needed his protection. So I let it happen. I was 12 at the time. He didn’t rape me. None of the counselors I went to see years later will agree with that, insisting that he molested me. But it would not of happened if I didn’t make the decision to let it happen. He never hurt me and I learned to like the sex. I didn’t understand for many years was just how much my brother was psychologically dependent on me as well and wanted us to live together as man and wife for the rest of our lives. When I was 15, I moved out and avoided my brother as I was old enough to take care of myself and I didn’t want to continue sleeping with him. My brother lost it when I did that. He didn’t have anyone else and didn’t know how to be with anyone else. He left school before he graduated and after working some laborer jobs, enlisted in the Army in 2006. He went to Iraq as part of a Stryker brigade combat team. After his discharge in 2010, he was in bad shape mentally and physically. He was going to the VA and was on a lot of medication. He asked to come to live with me after my latest boyfriend and I broke up and he moved out, but I knew that if he did, he would try to get us to slip back into old roles, so I refused. We argued, then he hung up on me and I never heard from him again. Two years later, I was contacted by the police who told me that he had died of a drug overdose and I was listed as the next of kin as our mother had since died. I had him cremated and his remains put in a wood box which I kept in my closet. I felt numb about him dying for a long time, then one day I just couldn’t get out of bed to go to work. I just couldn’t make myself do it. I finally got up days later and stayed in the bathroom for another day because I couldn’t work up the effort to go back to bed. Some friends who were worried about me finally got the apartment manager to check on me and they took me to a hospital. I couldn’t talk either. I would say I was involuntarily committed to a psychiatric facility, except that I didn’t care enough to it to be involuntary. When I started talking again, I was told I had a breakdown and the antidepressant meds they gave me appeared to be working. I can’t emotionally feel the loss of my brother, but apparently my body does. When I finally talked about my brother to the mental health counselors, they all said he abused me. I still don’t believe it. We were both hurting and that was his way of healing his own hurt. Sex made him happier, calmer and more able to deal with all the shit we were dealing with. It was at worst, a necessary chore and not a particularly unpleasant one at that. More often than not, I was able to get into it. I’m just messed up because I didn’t help him after all he did for me and the guilt makes me think I don’t deserve anyone to love me. I shouldn’t have just tried to push him away because I didn’t want to deal with our past. I wish I could talk to him again. I wish I could say everything I wasn’t able to put into words back then.

    2
    • K  February 9, 2019 at 6:14 am Reply

      You deserve love. If anyone does in the world, someone who has gone through what you have does.

      You were traumatized so much by your mother and lack of parental love, that there is no way your brother or you could have ever had a chance to have a normal life. You tried, and did your best to create solace in each other out of the dirt you had to make it from.

      If you can’t have “normal” feelings, it’s no wonder. You can only do the best with the mental handicap your parents gave you. I hope you can find someone who you can be honest with and who can see you past all the emotional scars that you no doubt bring to relationships. None of it is your fault. Humans (even animals) can’t function properly without a minimum of proper care. You and your brother were cheated. I hope you can find peace.

      1
    • Eileen  January 18, 2020 at 2:09 am Reply

      Hi Amy, I realize you wrote this a year ago, but I just read it as I lost a loved one in Summer 2019. I wanted to say that I see both you and your brother were very resourceful in dealing with your mom’s alcoholism and the related neglect you unfortunately experienced. It is not easy to be a child raising a child, nor a child depending on a child for protection and nurturing. So you and your brother did heroically in difficult circumstances.
      Once you became an adult, it sounds like you reflected carefully on my what felt right for you, and set healthy boundaries for yourself. Your brother had difficulty adjusting to that, and what is sad is that he did not have the past positive experience of reaching out for help, so did not reach out at that moment for the support he needed and deserved to adjust and grow. This is very sad. But it is not your fault. Rather it is another consequence of the limitations of your mom and your absent dad, for which I am sure they were very good explanations if we looked at their history.
      I know you love your brother very much and we both wish you could have grown together as siblings to be healthy, independent, happy adults. To help you heal, may I suggest that you locate an experienced trauma therapist. They regularly help clients recover from situations like yours. Without judgment, they can help you process all that you have experienced—your recent loss of your brother and earlier challenges. Just Google EMDR International Association to find a qualified therapist in your area.

      1
  41. Joey  December 16, 2018 at 9:13 pm Reply

    I took care of my mom since I was 13. All I can remember is me taking care of my mom every day for decades while the rest of the family went on with their lives. My mom died last year from breast and lung cancer along with a host of other medical complications.

    I took my mom to every cancer treatment with no family members in sight. After all the treatments we decided to move to Florida to escape the harsh New England winters. Against my better judgement we moved my sister and her kid with us. It turned into a total nightmare. My sister complained day and night and used every excuse to drink and take pills.

    When my moms cancer returned my sister bailed, quickly moving to the other side of town. as she proclaimed that she came to Florida to have “fun” not play nurse. With tears in my moms eyes she told me I was right about everything, which I already knew my sister was a worthless pieces of trash who didn’t want to help herself let alone anyone else. Shes now posting on face book that I murdered my mom.

    This is my reply to my sisters post.

    ===================================================================================================

    My mom and I moved you to Florida with us (against my better judgement) because you called day and night from your 3rd floor attic apt and screamed that you were infested with bugs and rats.

    I paid all expenses, hotel, moving truck, rental car, food and bought your kid school supplies. When my mom got sick you bailed on her moving to the other side of the city (the run down side) I might ad. I never begrudged you anything, you screamed about wanting a scooter to get around and the very next day I took you to get one and even drove it home for you until you were comfortable driving it yourself. The only time you used the scooter was to go the store to buy booze 5X a day.

    I gave you nearly $1,000.00 in CASH to put towards a used car and you smoked it in one night and blamed your so called kids father and had the police kick him out of your apt.

    You told me your kids fathers apt was bug infested and that you never wanted your kid near him because he was a big time crack head, yet you shipped your kid off to live with him because your kids school was on to you about never sending the kid to school. It’s all on file and searchable for all to see. Don’t worry if need be I can easily provide links.

    In RI the only time my mom and I seen you was when you needed money or when you wanted to use our washer and dryer.

    You threatened your best friend Debs children with bodily harm and death, that is also searchable on FB.

    You never even once went to see my mom at ANY of the cancer treatments at RI hospital that _I_ alone took her to. the same for the radiation treatments or even the primary care Dr, you were a totally worthless daughter as your are a worthless human being and unfit mother, a pimple on the ass of society.

    You lived in my house in Florida over 6 months RENT FREE and never saved so much as a dime. Endlessly blaming everyone else for your smoking, drinking and drug addictions. Taking your child to bootleggers off Cranston street in providence because you wanted booze on a Sunday night.

    Now I see you posting pics of your kid sick and at the hospital AS ALWAYS, nothing ever changes with you. Why not admit you load the kid up with cough syrup to knock him out so you and your junky friends can smoke crack?

    I gave my mom a wonderful life, dressed her, changed her, washed her, went food shopping for her, put her to bed, took her to ride on her electric scooter everyday on the bike path and my mom and I would stop at the bakery and I would let her pick out whatever she wanted and I took her numerous times to Newport and even rented an electric car for her so she could drive it around Newport by the ocean, don’t you remember any of that or is your brain so badly burnt you have selective memory? I helped put her on and off the toilet, these are things YOU as her DAUGHTER should have been doing.

    When Kim and Pam got sick with Cancer _I_ took them to treatments, I never seen you there not even ONCE TIME!

    When the going gets tough Michele gets going….going all the way to the liquor store and that’s about it.

    Before my mom died she told me I was right about everything.

    I have not called, texted emailed ANYONE in RI other than Joe and Rob who stay in contact with me. In other words I moved on with my life, I am doing AMAZING.

    I gave you an equal chance to better your life but you didnt want to stop the drinking, drugs and drama and thats why you are leashing out at me because you know you made a grave mistake going back to that shit hole Providence RI, but in all honestly we both know it is where you belong. You can take the girl out of the projects but you cant take the project out of the girl.

    • K  February 9, 2019 at 6:41 am Reply

      I understand your grief and pain and frustration.

      I just want to share something related to show the other side of such a heartbreaking situation

      My mother is mentally ill and I found her difficult but not abusive or anything to live with and left home as soon as I could support myself. She felt great responsibility on her shoulders from propriety or Catholicism or whatever to “do the right thing”, so she took care of 3 family members in their dying years. She may have done some of it out of love, but all she ever expressed was resentment and annoyance. Why was she taking care of her mother in law more than any of the woman’s own children? Why did she have to care for her aunt when the aunt’s own child wouldn’t care for her? The answer in these cases was that those old people hurt those offspring so badly that they just didn’t have any love left for those mothers.

      I am not caring for my mother. I watched her take care of people while bitching about it day after day and it taught me that was the wrong way to be. It turned her into a sour rotten being, or she already was that way and she used it as an excuse.

      I offered my siblings monetary help since they live near her and are shouldering all the burden, but they are so kind, they didn’t take me up on anything (they don’t have to spend much for her care, but they visit and spend time, and I’d pay something for the privilege of not doing that)

      My point is that we siblings lived through our less than stellar parenting. It bonds us and we have vowed to always love each other, especially since one brother killed himself from inherited mental illness and inability to cope with that and his upbringing. I see so many siblings torn apart by what happens with bad parents. I wish that trauma could bring more siblings together like it has us. We know we each have a comfort level with our contact with Mom and we accept that and support each other whatever the others need.

      It’s a tragedy when siblings turn on each other. I wish I could fix each and every sad story I hear like yours.

      2
  42. Susan in VA  December 4, 2018 at 11:46 pm Reply

    Everyone’s story here makes my heart hurt. My sister and myself were both very ill 3 years ago. She had cervical cancer and I had breast cancer. We both received chemotherapy and radiation. She did not make it. I am still here, and very grateful. My brother told me a few weeks ago that after my sister passed away, my mother said, “Why did God leave Susan here and take Judy?” I am confused and hurt. I currently help take care of my Mom and Dad, travelling over 2 hours to do so several times a month. I still want to help, but my heart is not in it like it used to be. I guess she was bargaining with God and thought if I died, then my sister could be saved. But this comment is something I have to carry now, and it is a burden. I cannot talk to my Mom about this because now she is very fragile with congestive heart failure. But if I could bring it up, I guess I would tell her I’m sorry I disappointed her.

    1
    • Michelle  December 8, 2018 at 2:44 am Reply

      People with chf can occasionally have low oxygen to the brain which can make them say irrational, mean things….if she indeed said that. Who knows? Maybe your brother misunderstood her words or misquoted. Could happen. I would find a way to talk to your mom about your sister’s passing, not confrontational, but an open way that might lead to you having some closure.

  43. Suzy Murphy  December 3, 2018 at 12:26 am Reply

    I have read your stories and they are so sad. I’m very angry at the moment. I have over the last decade lost everyone. I lost my dad at 14 because I was born 21 years after my oldest brother. When my dad died my mum ignored me for three years. She was very jealous of my relationship with my dad. He took three years to die from a horrible disease called Asbestosis. Basically it’s like drowning or lung cancer. Anyway I’ve had a life full of ups and downs, I went down the drugs route at one point but got myself together at 23 and never looked back. I had my daughter at 24. I achieved a lot I took on other children who’s mums didn’t want them and I brought up 3 kids altogether. I split with the partners and met a man 13 years ago whom I loved very much. Since 2007 starting with the suicide of my beloved nephew I have lost my entire family. My sister died in 2008 and it had the worst effect on me. I couldn’t work or do much. Then it was just one after another, aunts, uncles, friends, my oldest sibling, then mum, and cousins then in September my last brother. Out of a family of 9 there’s just me left. It’s been so hard. Then my partner who had been an alcoholic when I met him and whom I helped to keep away from it for 11 years started drinking behind my back. Then in January even though I’d just lost yet another loved one he turned on me. Saying the most terrible things like I hope you die of cancer and so on. I was devastated. My two step children live abroad and my own daughter is horrible. She has treated me like shit to be frank and even at my mum’s funeral she was rolling her eyes behind my back and she has told the most terrible lies about me. She has two children and I love them so much but she has bullied me and taken everything from me, and blackmailed me with not seeing the children if I didn’t do what she wanted. So I’ve stopped contact and am very much alone. I just don’t know what to do next. I’m even doubting God at the moment because my finances are pretty awful. I know it could be a lot worse but I feel he’s let me down so much. My faith has always helped me but after losing 14 loved ones in the last decade I feel abandoned and instead of being financially comfortable like so many of my sister and brother in laws etc. I have nothing. I feel so much for you all who’ve written your stories too. My daughter for example I said to her recently after I left myself with nothing to give her money, and when she was paid I asked her to lend me a little money for groceries. She said you put me on this earth so you’ll have to sort yourself out. What have you done for me? It’s insane. She nearly had the kids taken off her by social services because she told so many lies. Me and my ex partner had them every weekend for 8 years. I have lots of health issues and depression and anxiety. When I approached my daughter to tell her she said tough now you know how I feel. She is nearly 31 years old and still blames me for her problems yet I have done nothing but support her. I am so angry and also want to see my grandchildren but have put my foot down and refused her bullying. She always goes on about the men in my life. I have had two partners over 30 years, and she lies about my first partner making out he hit her etc. when he didn’t. Even behind the scenes with Social Services I helped and wrote to the heads of department and so on. I’ve always helped even when she thinks I haven’t. Anyway the grief is stifling me and I just don’t know what to do next. I’m an artist and author and used to make a good living from my art. Running community businesses. Now I’m just so lost. If anyone has any advice I’d really appreciate it. I’m in the UK but I could do with a friend from anywhere including Mars!

    3
    • Hana  February 2, 2019 at 5:29 pm Reply

      Life. Goes. On.
      I know it can get hard sometimes and I’m sorry about that; but if there’s one thing I know for certain, it’s that THIS HAS TO STOP. Stop looking back. Stop waiting for your daughter to recognize your existence and appreciate your presence. If she wants to, she will, but obviously she’s too busy blaming you for anything and everything. Stop waiting for a miracle to happen. Just go out there. Read new books. Watch new movies, series and shows. Listen to music. Teach children. Help poor. Learn a new language. Travel. Find a new job. Write.
      From all those family members that you had, YOU ARE THE LIVE ONE. Take advantage of that. Appreciate what you have and seek out for what you don’t.
      You have to live, darling.
      LIVE!

      3
      • Hey Hana, I was just reading my statement, and guess what?  June 19, 2022 at 5:53 pm

        It’s June 2022 and I’ve just seen your reply. It happened because I was looking for something and saw my post advertised when I clicked on it it brought me here and to your answer. It really was good and I’ve only just seen it. Well my partner moved around the corner with his mum who let him drink. I started a friends relationship with him and we were okay we were building bridges. Then he died. Just like that 49 years old and then pouff gone. To say that it hit me like a Tsunami is an understatement. So if you’re still out there thanks for that. I’ve not made really any progress wit daughter. She has three kids now. She blamed me for not being there for the 3rd birth. The reason Kurtis was born premature and I had the mother of stomach flu. It was going round and I couldn’t get out of bed nor would I put my new grandbaby at risk. Plus Eddie had just died. WOW.
        No understanding just told how shit I am. So I hardly see her now. I have been pretty ill. Not even a phone call to see if I’m still alive. LOL. My granddaughter is still amazing. She’s like me. I got some money off Eddie not a lot but enough and Covid happened and I gave it away. I’m so stupid. Now I need it! Anyway your no nonsense answer was amazing. Thanks. Even if I’m 3 years out of date. It’s the kick up the arse I need.

  44. Mary Smith  November 30, 2018 at 8:48 am Reply

    I lost my oldest son September 17,2018, we are so hurt. It’s hard to be positive or even see other teenagers. My husband and 2 surviving children 10 and 4 are all having a hard time. We are leaning on GOD but it’s so hard.

  45. Howard Peterson  November 30, 2018 at 4:40 am Reply

    Hello everybody I have been a victim of herpes virus for the last four years and had constant pain, especially in the knees. During the first year, I had faith in God that I would be healed someday.This virus began to circulate throughout my body and I have been doing treatment from my doctor a few weeks ago, I came in search on the Internet to know if i could get information on the prevention of this virus, in my research I saw a testimony of someone who has been cured (hepatitis B and wart virus) by this man Dr ALUYA and she also gave the email address of this man and advice we should contact him for any cure that it would be of great help, so I wrote to Dr. ALUYA telling him about my herpes virus he told me not to worry that I was going to be healed !! hmm I never believed ,, well after all procedures and herbal medication given to me by this man a few weeks later I started experiencing changes over me and Dr ALUYA assured me that I have been cured and i was ask to go for a medical test after a while I went to my doctor to confirm if I have finally be healed behold, it was true, and my friends my advice is, if you have this same problem or any other then you can email Dr ALUYA via email (Dr.Aluyasolutiontemple2gmail.com) or call him on +2349030926716

    1
  46. Rochelle Neelytatum  November 25, 2018 at 3:19 am Reply

    I lost my son this year on September 25th 2018 he was only 26 years old I have seven kids and me and my kids is taking it very hard I find myself closing myself in and not want to be bother with the outside world

    2
  47. Carol Hawkins  October 22, 2018 at 9:22 pm Reply

    Prayers to the lady that lost her 10 yr old son on Sept 3 2018. My heart goes out to you.

    1
  48. Rita  October 11, 2018 at 6:30 am Reply

    My son died Sept 3 2018 . He was 10 and I’m having a hard time. I miss my baby boy so much and I hate how he left this world. He is my little boy and I just hate living without him

    • Ing  October 25, 2018 at 10:50 pm Reply

      Wow..I just lost my sister suddenly and I am a basket case since Im.the last member of my immediate family now.
      But my heart goes out to you loosing your baby boy
      Praying for your peace.
      .

      • Suzy Murphy  December 3, 2018 at 12:34 am

        I know how that feels. I’ve just spent ages writing my story about losing my family on here and can’t see it. I don’t think I could do it again as it drained me to do it. I’m the only one left out of my family too. I’ve never felt so isolated or alone and yet it’s my choice. I am down and my faith for the first time is really wavering. I have lost so many people and my friends have abandoned me too, I think they think I’m the angel of death. I just don’t know what to do right now. I come from a big family and they’ve gone. My dad died when I was 14 40 years ago this year and my mum 2 years ago. It’s my sister Christine that devastated me in 2008 as well as my nephew’s suicide just before. Since then ti’s been one or two each year. 14 funerals. I have the most selfish cruel daughter too. So she’s no help. She hasn’t once asked me if I’m okay. Her only questions are when am I having the kids or when am I giving her money.

        1
      • Eleanor Haley  December 3, 2018 at 10:49 am

        Hi Suzy,
        I am so sorry for what you are going through. Your story did show up. You may not have been able to see it initially because of your cache. Have you considered a support group in your community? They can be a wonderful place to meet others who are also coping with loss, so comfortable to talk about it, but may also develop into friends. Do you have a therapist for your anxiety and depression? If so, they may be able to recommend a group in the area. At minimum, this may be a moment to focus on what we like to call ‘found family’. When our blood family fail us, sometimes looking to friends or looking to make new friends is the most realistic and helpful option. Sending good thoughts . . .

      • Bonnie  January 19, 2019 at 2:00 pm

        It was excellent advice you gave for an unsupported family member to move on with their life after a death of a significant other and focus on moving on with her own life. The only support I got from her was coming to my loved one’s funeral at my financial expense. She criticized the disarray of my house due to 8 years of hospital, lab, doctor and diagnostic visits with my dear friend before he passed away 2 months ago. I had visited her every year since she moved 900 miles away after our mother died. I befriended her friends and family, gifted them over 30 years and never even once got a thank you note with the word “aunt” on it, a card, or any personal token of affection from her or her husband. She would often not come to the phone when I called to speak with her.

        That similar thing just happened to me realizing the unavailability of my only sister to support me emotionally. She selfishly, depends on my resources to fall into her hands upon my demise and has stopped all communication with me. What she does not realize is I refuse to give up on myself and allow that to happen at this point in my life. I may be alone and isolated, but I care enough about myself to try to move on and disrupt her evil scheme to benefit from my resources without ever showing any regard for my feelings or my plight. Thanks for your input on this site.

        1
  49. Rachael  September 27, 2018 at 5:51 am Reply

    My brother passed away in 2012 after finding him in the ocean by a guy on a water ski. I come from a family of 7 with 6 of us kids and Mum. Before my brother died, life was hectic and we were all not living together and we were all separated to focus on ourselves, until he passed away. When he died it was strange because we did the funeral and it was really hard because we l kind of broke down inside and out. It was difficult weeks later because we all kind of turned on each other in a weird way and we have never really been the same. I kind of went numb at the time and instead of having time to grieve, I had to work and finish my last year of uni. My mum lost her job in Australia and my brothers stopped living, my sister nearly ended up in a mental hospital. So to escape from all of this I instead of supporting my family I moved overseas to start a new life by myself. Four years later and I’m back in my home town and I have a partner, a dog and have a really good job that I enjoy. I have tried to reconnect with my family but we just don’t get along anymore. I’m not sure but since I have been back, I have had thoughts of my brother and just seem to want to cry sometimes. Just being in familiar surroundings and although the city has changed, it makes me sad to think that he is not living life anymore. I understand that I need to in a way live for him, but at random times I find myself thinking about him more than ever before. I watched a YouTube video online about an old 104year old doctor who. Flew to Switzerland to essentially kill himself, and the
    his familys opinion that they gave was that it is exactly what he wnanted and wanted full control of his dealth. The guy didn’t exactly have any illness or wasn’t in any pain, he just realised his quality of life has changed and wanted to die. The video was published on July 18th which is my brothers birthday. I am thinking is this a sign that I watch this and it help me finally grieve over my brother or am I just really exhausted over a hectic week. Which then lead me to this site and being able to read other peoples stories
    and I think for myself to acknowledge grief in a healthy way. If you can’t tell already, I am a person that seems to what to push all this stuff to the back of nowhere and hope it never comes up again. It’s a little bit overwhelming and makes me want to try reconnect with my family but only once I understand my own grief first. I think it’s really early days but I feel a lot better now

    1
  50. PJ  September 23, 2018 at 1:31 pm Reply

    Two deaths of parents this year- one was my parent the other an inlaw parent. Many siblings on both sides.

    What’s worked for me – Draw pictures of any negative feelings and shred them. Gets it out of my system without making it a bigger problem. Everyone has their own unique relationship with the deceased. I found myself thinking when a sibling or in-law described their parent( or interest of the deceased) that it sounded nothing like the person I knew….unique relationships. Adjust expectations of all siblings. Expect nothing more of them than a friend and probably a little less or a great deal less. I was putting too high expectations on my siblings. We all get different bumps in our life and those bumps helps us prepare for grief maybe a little more than others. And people, I think are born with different abilities to handle grief. I am going with the giving myself oxygen first like they saw on a plane and then helping others starting with my family (husband/kids/dogs) who lives in my house and of course my surviving Mom. And for the person that dies that you admired, do something each day that is positive in their memory – Call a friend, send a thank you note, do a hobby, volunteer, take a walk, connect with a long lost friend(life is short) etc… If you really admired the person that died….be more like them. It would be nice if grief had shortcuts….

  51. James  September 15, 2018 at 3:55 am Reply

    I lost both parents within a year of each other finding that my father was dying 24 hours after losing my mother. My aunt and uncles and families his siblings went into hiding. She was when he wanted them the most they did not want to know. They were younger than hi. They were but was always there for me them when they needed help. So by the time of his death 6 months later he had felt so rejected and hurt he had a final wish of not wanting any of them at the funeral. The only person I managed to get to visit a week before he died was his niece who I had to collect and take home an 100 mile trip something I could have done without having dad so ill. I she said that no one believed me when I said dad was so ill. What does the word terminal cancer mean to them makes me wonder. I did ask her to tell her family how close to death dad was but she said she would not get I involved. Dad lasted a few days longer and in respect I let them know. All on answer machines. Dad’s sister phoned back with no words of sympathy only are we invited to the (swearing) funeral or not. I had only had lost dad an hour prior. I was going to dis honour my dad’s wish and let them come until a few days later I received a letter through the post one that said that I had no right in doing what I was doing and that the family would be paying a visit and the outcome would be my choice but I needed to be punished. I had to get law enforcement involved as I deemed that as a threat and therefore kept my dad’s funeral wishes. Ever since there has been many lies about me. I robbed my parents of money, I never worked and made my parents keep me, and I am a born liar and have mental issues. I! I moved area as I could not take any more can no longer visit my home town as I know so many people there who if I see them tell me what they have heard. There was well known hate between my aunt and a nephew they would not be in the same room together yet they are the best of friends now. My uncle said that I lied about how ill his brother was. My dad weighed 4 stone when me died and was on a syringe driver for the last 8 mo this for the pain. His excuse for not coming to see dad was one of the heartless things I have ever heard. “well he does not come to see me so why should I see him’. A brother that my dad and. Om did so much for when his marriages broke up and more. I have no family at all now. It hurts but one day karma will happen I just can’t make it move on from it as I am angry and hurt and that was why I go to the grave with me. I have no happiness or interest in life. I wish they could fe the rejection n. and hurt that they caused.my dad to have I have been in his last months.

    1
  52. Sia Tsat  September 8, 2018 at 12:53 pm Reply

    My mother passed away a few months ago. Prior to her passing, she went into a coma for 2 weeks. The day she went into the coma, my husband and I were supposed to leave on vacation for a month to Greece. We obviously cancelled our long planned trip without a doubt and stayed by my mother’s side until she passed. We stayed for the funeral of course which was the most difficult thing to endure. After the funeral, my husband and I decided to re-book the trip to Greece because he had family there and an ageing mother that we needed to see. For myself, it felt like the right thing to do. I wanted to get away and also visit my mother’s roots such as her village, her sister, her brother’s and parent’s grave. I had also discussed this trip with my mother, prior to her illness and she was so happy that my husband and I were taking this trip and that we were going to visit her family and roots. It felt right. I was going only for 4 weeks and would return. What happened is that my 2 sisters did not agree with my decision to take this trip because I left them to tend to my father while I was gone. I distinctly told them that I would do my part when I return and that they would be able to take a break then. Also, what I forgot to mention, during this trip I took care of some family land matters for my father and was calling him every single day when I was gone. He was very responsive and looked forward to my calls. I am now back 2 weeks and my sisters are giving me a very hard time. They say I abandoned them when they needed me the most and that I don’t care and that my actions speak louder than words. I don’t agree with them at all. I never abandoned them. I only left for a while and I am back to do my share and taking care of what my dad needs. I have been trying to meet up with them to discuss family needs and they both have been avoiding me. I expressed how much I love them and that I never meant to hurt anyone but they don’t want to listen. What they fail to understand is that I do have a husband that has family in Greece. My husband was here for all of us, until my mother’s last breath and he was holding our hands and supporting us. They fail to listen and understand and only see their emotions. They are causing me more stress and I really can’t handle this at this time after losing my mother. I don’t feel the least bit guilty for leaving and going to Greece. I believe they don’t get to call the shots on how I mourn my mother’s death. Maybe my way was to leave for a while and since this trip was on the back burner, it was the right thing to do. I don’t feel bad that I did this. Actually it was very healing. I do however feel bad that I hurt them as they say and they are not even giving me a chance to express myself in person.

    • K  February 9, 2019 at 6:57 am Reply

      I hope you can continue in love with your siblings, telling yourself it is their grief coming out wrong and as anger at you. I hope that is true. It is a tragedy when siblings can’t bond with their grief. I hope they can hear you if you tell them you love them and want so badly to be close to them and grieve with them but are very hurt and pushed away by their harsh words.

      It would be terrible if they could hear that and still be mean. I’m so sorry. I would hate to have anything come between me and my siblings. Best to you.

  53. Morgan  August 26, 2018 at 1:07 am Reply

    My grandad passed 3 days ago he was my rock he stop me from going into care when I was 6 year old I’m 31 now he raised me he has 4 daughters and one son because I told his only son that he passed because one of the daughter didn’t want him to know the whole family has turned on me threatening my miss and kids and one of my kids is disabled I can’t grieve I’m just filled full of anger can’t even go to my grandad funeral even tho he was my second dad even my nana the one I love so much has turned on me his son didn’t even know his dad was dying that how evil they was so at this point I can’t grieve just full of hate

  54. Miranda Clayton  July 3, 2018 at 6:06 pm Reply

    Mine is the same story as Barbara Silvia – lost all my family and within 5 months of each other, including my younger sister who was so very dear to me and my best friend. I too am alone and isolated.

  55. Elsa  June 18, 2018 at 6:52 pm Reply

    Eric. I understand your comments. I won’t say I know how you feel because I hate it when someone says that to me. I”m 58 and lost my husband of 32 years 2 years ago after a sudden illness. Sometimes I feel there is nothing left of who I was and want to jump off the nearest brridge because I’m not living I am existing. Will this pain ever end?

    • Donna King  October 29, 2018 at 4:51 pm Reply

      Elsa,
      I’m 52 and I lost my husband if 30 years Dec 24,2017. It’s still very hard and I know what you’re going through . I’m very crippled with grief and struggle just paying bills and have no desire to live. I want to die too but we have a 14 year old daughter that I have to be here for.
      Please hang in there. You are not alone. I have found that praying at least two times a Day is very helpful. When I stopped praying, things got noticeably worse. So please pray. Also , I’ve been told to volunteer and do something good for others, and I want to , but right now I’m just struggling to get out of bed and get my own things done.
      I don’t mind if you contact me. Maybe we can help each other.

  56. Eric Searcy  May 17, 2018 at 6:02 pm Reply

    My wife of 28 1/2 years Katherine passed away from stage 4 cancer on my birthday, March 24, 2018. She was 55 years old. I am a natural introvert but Katherine, and eventually our (now) 18 year old daughter Laura, were the only people on earth I wanted to be with all the time, or at least all of the time they wanted to be with me. My heart is torn in two and I am a broken man. I continue to work as an architect for an architectural firm, but if not for the emotional harm it would cause my daughter I would jump off a bridge right now and be done with this, because this is not a life. If is a vague ruined shadow of a life. My sister in law (Katherine’s sister) has attempted to jump into the breach and I think assume the mother role for Laura, but while I appreciate her sincerity still it makes me feel left outside on the perimeter of the life which used to be mine and ours. I am lost, empty, aching and sick in my heart. I am 62 years old, and I wish I were dead.

  57. Eric Searcy  May 17, 2018 at 6:02 pm Reply

    My wife of 28 1/2 years Katherine passed away from stage 4 cancer on my birthday, March 24, 2018. She was 55 years old. I am a natural introvert but Katherine, and eventually our (now) 18 year old daughter Laura, were the only people on earth I wanted to be with all the time, or at least all of the time they wanted to be with me. My heart is torn in two and I am a broken man. I continue to work as an architect for an architectural firm, but if not for the emotional harm it would cause my daughter I would jump off a bridge right now and be done with this, because this is not a life. If is a vague ruined shadow of a life. My sister in law (Katherine’s sister) has attempted to jump into the breach and I think assume the mother role for Laura, but while I appreciate her sincerity still it makes me feel left outside on the perimeter of the life which used to be mine and ours. I am lost, empty, aching and sick in my heart. I am 62 years old, and I wish I were dead.

    • Mary Decarlo  October 27, 2018 at 7:22 pm Reply

      Eric,
      Although your comment was from May of this year I wanted to see how you were doing. I went on this website because I just recently lost my dad, and I’m having a very hard time coping with it. after I read your comment, I felt very bad for you and I hope that you are doing better now. I too am very lonely and don’t feel good mentally, but I know my 18 year old son needs me and that keeps me going every day.
      I guess we have to find coping mechanisms but sometimes when you’re in this so fresh like me it’s really hard to even get the drive up to do it.
      Again I hope you’re doing better and I’m sorry for your loss.
      Mary (buckycarlo@yahoo.com)

  58. Susie  April 10, 2018 at 3:19 pm Reply

    I’m so sorry you were abandoned with many deaths Barbara.. Our only true comforter is God.

  59. Susie  April 10, 2018 at 3:19 pm Reply

    I’m so sorry you were abandoned with many deaths Barbara.. Our only true comforter is God.

    • Rochelle Neelytatum  November 25, 2018 at 3:07 am Reply

      Hi I lost my son September 25th 2018 at the age of 26 years old don’t know what he passed away from but I just can’t let him go I find myself closing myself and I have 7 kids and my kids is taking it very hard right along with

  60. Mon  March 27, 2018 at 9:35 am Reply

    My only sibling died in October 2017 after a six-week bout with cancer. She was divorced and left behind a 24 year daughter and a 17 year old son. During the time of her illness and after my sister’s passing, my niece and I became closer. However, after my 88 year old mother (her grandma) died (of a broken heart) almost four months after my sister (my father died 24 years ago). I thought my niece and I would still be close yet, but it turns out now we are not. It bothers me because I think I was trying to hang on to a piece of my sister and I feel hurt because my niece doesn’t say anything to be anymore so that is one more loss. So, I stepped back (I unfriended her on Facebook) because I can’t handle this anymore–I am 54 years old and I am the only one left in my family and I have some fresh grief to process. Was I wrong to distance myself?

  61. Mon  March 27, 2018 at 9:35 am Reply

    My only sibling died in October 2017 after a six-week bout with cancer. She was divorced and left behind a 24 year daughter and a 17 year old son. During the time of her illness and after my sister’s passing, my niece and I became closer. However, after my 88 year old mother (her grandma) died (of a broken heart) almost four months after my sister (my father died 24 years ago). I thought my niece and I would still be close yet, but it turns out now we are not. It bothers me because I think I was trying to hang on to a piece of my sister and I feel hurt because my niece doesn’t say anything to be anymore so that is one more loss. So, I stepped back (I unfriended her on Facebook) because I can’t handle this anymore–I am 54 years old and I am the only one left in my family and I have some fresh grief to process. Was I wrong to distance myself?

  62. Becky  March 16, 2018 at 3:36 pm Reply

    My mom passed away this last November…I am the youngest of 4 siblings. It has turned so ugly, not about money because we all get 1/4 of that but her possessions. Somehow my older siblings has chose me to “bully” if you will. They do not want me to take anything of my mom’s. I’m constantly defending myself and my family….I finally just gave in and told them that I will not take anything…but this hurts so bad. I was my mom’ one constant…my brother didn’t help her or come around much, my older two sisters were constantly fighting and they would take turns not talking to my mom…I don’t understand why they feel I don’t deserve anything…I’m hurting so bad….

  63. Becky  March 16, 2018 at 3:36 pm Reply

    My mom passed away this last November…I am the youngest of 4 siblings. It has turned so ugly, not about money because we all get 1/4 of that but her possessions. Somehow my older siblings has chose me to “bully” if you will. They do not want me to take anything of my mom’s. I’m constantly defending myself and my family….I finally just gave in and told them that I will not take anything…but this hurts so bad. I was my mom’ one constant…my brother didn’t help her or come around much, my older two sisters were constantly fighting and they would take turns not talking to my mom…I don’t understand why they feel I don’t deserve anything…I’m hurting so bad….

  64. Joyoflife  February 5, 2018 at 3:12 pm Reply

    Four months after my 80 year old father passed away from a major stroke, my mum is breaking my heart and turning against me as she is falling back in with my sister who disappeared for several years after creating much havoc for the entire family. She took my parents for lots of money more than enough to buy a house but has nothing to show for it. My sister actually married my ex son-in-law.. what a nightmare. He spent two months in jail for domestic violence against her and got right back together. She has a history of this with previous six husbands. I told my mum to be careful with her after hearing of them staying out all night at a casino. I mean please don’t keep mum out until 5 a.m. gambling. It was all down hill from there. She said, oh my God and walked out of the room. Then yelled that everybody was alienating my sister and does she have to pay for the rest of her life for her mistakes. Sister has history with all four of her children that now won’t speak to her. I tried to explain that I cannot let her back in my life and even had to get a court ordered restraining order against her for verbal harassment. Trying to move on and have a relationship with mum but am afraid that this is the beginning of the end. My sister’s son (whom won’t speak to her) is coming and hopes to explain to mum why we all can’t go through more of her narcissistic behavior. Feeling so lost to think of how hard I have worked for a good life and family to only be put in the same boat as a self centered irresponsible immature baby sister of 51 years old. At one time she even said that she didn’t think our dad was her father. How hurtful for him to be told that. I miss him so much and grieve for him and grief for my mum losing him after 60 years of marriage. Now going through a nightmare of her hurtful behavior toward me. Is it time to let go, I think it may be the only option.

  65. Joyoflife  February 5, 2018 at 3:12 pm Reply

    Four months after my 80 year old father passed away from a major stroke, my mum is breaking my heart and turning against me as she is falling back in with my sister who disappeared for several years after creating much havoc for the entire family. She took my parents for lots of money more than enough to buy a house but has nothing to show for it. My sister actually married my ex son-in-law.. what a nightmare. He spent two months in jail for domestic violence against her and got right back together. She has a history of this with previous six husbands. I told my mum to be careful with her after hearing of them staying out all night at a casino. I mean please don’t keep mum out until 5 a.m. gambling. It was all down hill from there. She said, oh my God and walked out of the room. Then yelled that everybody was alienating my sister and does she have to pay for the rest of her life for her mistakes. Sister has history with all four of her children that now won’t speak to her. I tried to explain that I cannot let her back in my life and even had to get a court ordered restraining order against her for verbal harassment. Trying to move on and have a relationship with mum but am afraid that this is the beginning of the end. My sister’s son (whom won’t speak to her) is coming and hopes to explain to mum why we all can’t go through more of her narcissistic behavior. Feeling so lost to think of how hard I have worked for a good life and family to only be put in the same boat as a self centered irresponsible immature baby sister of 51 years old. At one time she even said that she didn’t think our dad was her father. How hurtful for him to be told that. I miss him so much and grieve for him and grief for my mum losing him after 60 years of marriage. Now going through a nightmare of her hurtful behavior toward me. Is it time to let go, I think it may be the only option.

    • Rhonda  February 8, 2018 at 10:49 am Reply

      This is such heartbreaking to read. I am by no means a professional in psychology but it sounds as if your mum is finding great relief from her own grief by being with someone (sis) that is on the reckless side..judging by your comments. Perhaps self punishment? If she were to be closer to you instead, would that mean more talk and having to actually feel where your dad is concerned?
      I ask this because I see a pattern here. My mother is exhibiting quite the same behavior pattern. My only child passed unexpectedly December 8th, 2017. She was found in her bed and we will never really know why. With the loss of my child, I am only 2 most in and also grieving the loss of my mom and she is still alive. Mom was very close to my daughter and has always seen herself as my daughters “first ” mom. After she got the news, she became very verbally violent and then turned physical. She told me she never really loved me and even wished for my death. This wasn’t a fleeting moment..it has gone on for years but now the scraps of any relationship are destroyed. She is currently out of my home and living with my brother in a hotel room! My brother has many gambling and alchohol addictions. She plays him like a fiddle and puts him on a pedestal. I have 2 younger sisters who have a terrible relationship with her as well and want to cut ties but are having a difficult time letting go..she’s mom! Today, she’s being released from hospital back to hotel room after having bi lateral pneumonia and I can see the recoil in in my sisters. It’s as if we are all 3 hiding so we don’t have to know her demise yet brother…will retrieve her and keep trying to take care of her even if it kills him. The 2 of them are feeding off eachother and it sounds like your sister and mother!
      I don’t know your whole story and I am not qualified to give you advice but here’s my options. I will attend grief meeting bi weekly, maintain relationships with my sisters as much as possible, stop trying to rescue my brother and unfortunately finally acknowledge what I have known for years but took my daughters death to realize…I’m letting her go! It hurts very much but there are no other options for me. I have a very supportive husband who is patient and doing all he can to help me with my child but he can’t take my mom and brothers reckless ways either. Sometimes through grief, a thousand people can be in a room and one will often feel alone. I hope you make a good decision for your life and perhaps with professional advice as to terminate your relationship or not with your mom. I hope you do not allow the reckless ones to steal your time away truly grieving your dad because that time albeit never ending, is also very critical in its freshness. Best wishes for you!

      1
  66. Kate  February 1, 2018 at 3:10 pm Reply

    My 33 year old nephew died suddenly last week. He was partially estranged from his mother ( my sister) and had problems with addiction and PTSD from serving in Afghanistan. His wife had refused to have anything to do with my sister and she was not allowed to see her 2 grandchildren. But can you imagine, finding out about your son’s death on Facebook? That is what happened. I was not close to my nephew and do not fully understand all the problems between his wife, himself, and my sister, but I find this heartwrenching and inexcusable. That no one could think beyond themselves and pick up the phone and tell my sister that her son had died. My nephew’s half-sister also appears to have gone ballistic (again, I don’t understand–I am not involved), but the childishness and infighting and anger astounds me. It is also now apparent that there is probably no funeral or memorial service–who knows why– so those of us who are living have no proper opportunity to mourn our loss and celebrate the good in this young man’s life. Tragic, really.

  67. Kate  February 1, 2018 at 3:10 pm Reply

    My 33 year old nephew died suddenly last week. He was partially estranged from his mother ( my sister) and had problems with addiction and PTSD from serving in Afghanistan. His wife had refused to have anything to do with my sister and she was not allowed to see her 2 grandchildren. But can you imagine, finding out about your son’s death on Facebook? That is what happened. I was not close to my nephew and do not fully understand all the problems between his wife, himself, and my sister, but I find this heartwrenching and inexcusable. That no one could think beyond themselves and pick up the phone and tell my sister that her son had died. My nephew’s half-sister also appears to have gone ballistic (again, I don’t understand–I am not involved), but the childishness and infighting and anger astounds me. It is also now apparent that there is probably no funeral or memorial service–who knows why– so those of us who are living have no proper opportunity to mourn our loss and celebrate the good in this young man’s life. Tragic, really.

  68. Bonnie Darrell  January 7, 2018 at 9:44 pm Reply

    My son died 3 years ago at the age of 27. He had a heart attack. We never knew anything was wrong. I have a daughter who is two years younger than he was. It has been so hard for me to process his loss, my first born, my little man. He was 6’2” and patted me on the head! My grief external has been in waves, crying over seemingly nothing at times. I was a teacher, and had to retire. Every high school boy reminded me of him. During the last year my daughter says I have become distant, snappy and critical. How do I help myself? I’m not the same mom I was.

    1
  69. Bonnie Darrell  January 7, 2018 at 9:44 pm Reply

    My son died 3 years ago at the age of 27. He had a heart attack. We never knew anything was wrong. I have a daughter who is two years younger than he was. It has been so hard for me to process his loss, my first born, my little man. He was 6’2” and patted me on the head! My grief external has been in waves, crying over seemingly nothing at times. I was a teacher, and had to retire. Every high school boy reminded me of him. During the last year my daughter says I have become distant, snappy and critical. How do I help myself? I’m not the same mom I was.

  70. Cyndie  November 25, 2017 at 12:16 pm Reply

    I am the oldest of 3, the only daughter. My younger brother hardly ever answers my calls or responds to my texts. & I don’t reach out often. In fact, I continually talk myself out of contacting him at all. He chose to work Thanksgiving Day this year, “off duty” work, than to spend it with our mom. Or me. My son didn’t see his cousins, my brother’s children. It’s become the norm; expected. On a more positive note, my mom & I have become closer than we’ve ever been since my dad’s death (June 2016). We are very much alike & hardly agree on any topic in particular, but her more openness to talk about my dad, answer my well thought out questions, share his stories of his past in the Army & Vietnam, his dad I never met, his time in an orphanage with his siblings, etc has strangely enough made me closer to him than I ever was in his waking life, and for that I am forever grateful. Maybe it’s a strange thing to admit, but for me there is a sense of peace in my grief. Happy Holidays 2017.

  71. Cyndie  November 25, 2017 at 12:16 pm Reply

    I am the oldest of 3, the only daughter. My younger brother hardly ever answers my calls or responds to my texts. & I don’t reach out often. In fact, I continually talk myself out of contacting him at all. He chose to work Thanksgiving Day this year, “off duty” work, than to spend it with our mom. Or me. My son didn’t see his cousins, my brother’s children. It’s become the norm; expected. On a more positive note, my mom & I have become closer than we’ve ever been since my dad’s death (June 2016). We are very much alike & hardly agree on any topic in particular, but her more openness to talk about my dad, answer my well thought out questions, share his stories of his past in the Army & Vietnam, his dad I never met, his time in an orphanage with his siblings, etc has strangely enough made me closer to him than I ever was in his waking life, and for that I am forever grateful. Maybe it’s a strange thing to admit, but for me there is a sense of peace in my grief. Happy Holidays 2017.

    • K  February 9, 2019 at 7:04 am Reply

      I don’t know how old your younger brother is, but I was him in my 20s. Life was too much fun to bother with family much. They just let me be and was happy to hear from me if I called. Now we love each other very much although we still don’t communicate much. (Everyone is busy). I hope he is ok and you aren’t too hard on him.

  72. Masayama  October 5, 2017 at 7:55 pm Reply

    My mom passed away on January 18th 2017. My dad was her main caregiver for her for a few years until she became very ill and had many hospital visits and passed away at home. Her body was tiny, frail and just could not go on any longer. She was released home from a nursing facility a little over a week before her death, so with her wishes to go home, it was where she really wanted to be. My brother, dad and I were pulled closer than ever before, enduring such deep pain of the sad last days.

    We knew that my mom wanted to be cremated, but did not want an official service, a funeral or a wake. Her siblings and family live in Japan and we knew that one day, we’d return her ashes to Japan to be with her parents and brother.

    At the mortuary office, we discussed the plan to cremate my mom. We had not discussed this before, but my brother elected to for a visitation to see mom. My dad did not want to do this and stated this clearly to my brother. Out of no disrespect at all, he was sure he could not bear to see her again. I, however, was torn with my decision on whether I should or not. I let my brother know that I really did not know what to do, but since the visit to see mom was more than a week or so away, that I would carefully think about it and let him know very soon.

    In the extremely upsetting few days, I told my brother that I would go, but I was very reluctant to see her in a very bad state, as she was so frail and that my last time I saw her, on my birthday, I could not bear to see her this way and she and I had a quiet, lovely last moments that I saw her alive. I had a change of heart the more I thought about this; the fact that mom and I had a very surreal last moment with a very unspoken type of “goodbye,” that I will never, ever forget. I relayed this to my brother. He said he understood and later asked if I’d like to write a few words that he may read aloud to her. I did offer a note for him to read. He, his family, dad, and I were all quite saddened, but respected my brother and family’s wishes.

    We all met after the visitation. My brother and family were truly relieved that it was over and that they got to see her and video taped the words spoken to her, laid flowers with her. This was a nice meeting with my family and we all shared our moments of grief along the next few weeks.
    I then started getting unanswered emails, texts and phone calls from my brother, and only my brother. My sister-in-law said that he was having a difficult time and needed “time.” Confused, I offered my support over the next few months. He also did not call my dad and since then, my brother and family have even sold their home, moved and not told my dad about this. I also kept this secret.

    Recently, I could not bear the fact that almost 5 months have passed without any acknowledgment on how my brother was doing. Finally, I reached out to my niece. I explained that I was hurt and sad that we were so “distant” but the fact that our elderly dad was being shunned, this I could not take, it was so sad.

    My niece then proceeded to drop a huge bombshell on me. She said that “Her dad resents my dad and I on how we decided to handle the passing of grandma.” She said that these were his exact words. She further stated that he is very hurt that “you guys did not attend her service and decided not to honor her or say any kind words in front of her.” She said that if she put herself in his shoes, she could not even imagine how sad it would be to stand alone with mom and not have brother or dad there. She said he thinks about this a lot. Also, the fact that I kept changing my mind and telling him that I was going to go and did not, it made him feel even worse. The other family members say that they are not blaming me, but asked that I try to see his perspective.

    My answer to her was that it was absolutely the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make. I explained that I saw her last on my birthday and how my decision was never intended to hurt my family. I lost my best friend that day. There was never anything stated to me of how they really wanted me to be there, how hurt he was, etc. In fact, we saw each other weeks after, without any spoken word and I did not get any feeling of resentment from my brother, nor from anyone else in his family.

    I’ve decided to not contact them anymore and let her know that I needed to step back and perhaps one day, we’d talk about everything, but that I was in utter shock that this was how my brother felt (and family felt) as no one has tried to contact my dad or me since then, just an occasional text from my niece or sis-in-law.

    I am hurting so much and wonder if I should have gone. However, I stand by my decision as one of no intent to hurt, but more of a last moment seeing my mom. It saddens me and I realize we all grieve differently. I want to write a letter to my brother and let him know that I am not a selfish person and feel confused and saddened.

    Any advice or similar experience from anyone would be greatly appreciated.

  73. Masayama  October 5, 2017 at 7:55 pm Reply

    My mom passed away on January 18th 2017. My dad was her main caregiver for her for a few years until she became very ill and had many hospital visits and passed away at home. Her body was tiny, frail and just could not go on any longer. She was released home from a nursing facility a little over a week before her death, so with her wishes to go home, it was where she really wanted to be. My brother, dad and I were pulled closer than ever before, enduring such deep pain of the sad last days.

    We knew that my mom wanted to be cremated, but did not want an official service, a funeral or a wake. Her siblings and family live in Japan and we knew that one day, we’d return her ashes to Japan to be with her parents and brother.

    At the mortuary office, we discussed the plan to cremate my mom. We had not discussed this before, but my brother elected to for a visitation to see mom. My dad did not want to do this and stated this clearly to my brother. Out of no disrespect at all, he was sure he could not bear to see her again. I, however, was torn with my decision on whether I should or not. I let my brother know that I really did not know what to do, but since the visit to see mom was more than a week or so away, that I would carefully think about it and let him know very soon.

    In the extremely upsetting few days, I told my brother that I would go, but I was very reluctant to see her in a very bad state, as she was so frail and that my last time I saw her, on my birthday, I could not bear to see her this way and she and I had a quiet, lovely last moments that I saw her alive. I had a change of heart the more I thought about this; the fact that mom and I had a very surreal last moment with a very unspoken type of “goodbye,” that I will never, ever forget. I relayed this to my brother. He said he understood and later asked if I’d like to write a few words that he may read aloud to her. I did offer a note for him to read. He, his family, dad, and I were all quite saddened, but respected my brother and family’s wishes.

    We all met after the visitation. My brother and family were truly relieved that it was over and that they got to see her and video taped the words spoken to her, laid flowers with her. This was a nice meeting with my family and we all shared our moments of grief along the next few weeks.
    I then started getting unanswered emails, texts and phone calls from my brother, and only my brother. My sister-in-law said that he was having a difficult time and needed “time.” Confused, I offered my support over the next few months. He also did not call my dad and since then, my brother and family have even sold their home, moved and not told my dad about this. I also kept this secret.

    Recently, I could not bear the fact that almost 5 months have passed without any acknowledgment on how my brother was doing. Finally, I reached out to my niece. I explained that I was hurt and sad that we were so “distant” but the fact that our elderly dad was being shunned, this I could not take, it was so sad.

    My niece then proceeded to drop a huge bombshell on me. She said that “Her dad resents my dad and I on how we decided to handle the passing of grandma.” She said that these were his exact words. She further stated that he is very hurt that “you guys did not attend her service and decided not to honor her or say any kind words in front of her.” She said that if she put herself in his shoes, she could not even imagine how sad it would be to stand alone with mom and not have brother or dad there. She said he thinks about this a lot. Also, the fact that I kept changing my mind and telling him that I was going to go and did not, it made him feel even worse. The other family members say that they are not blaming me, but asked that I try to see his perspective.

    My answer to her was that it was absolutely the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make. I explained that I saw her last on my birthday and how my decision was never intended to hurt my family. I lost my best friend that day. There was never anything stated to me of how they really wanted me to be there, how hurt he was, etc. In fact, we saw each other weeks after, without any spoken word and I did not get any feeling of resentment from my brother, nor from anyone else in his family.

    I’ve decided to not contact them anymore and let her know that I needed to step back and perhaps one day, we’d talk about everything, but that I was in utter shock that this was how my brother felt (and family felt) as no one has tried to contact my dad or me since then, just an occasional text from my niece or sis-in-law.

    I am hurting so much and wonder if I should have gone. However, I stand by my decision as one of no intent to hurt, but more of a last moment seeing my mom. It saddens me and I realize we all grieve differently. I want to write a letter to my brother and let him know that I am not a selfish person and feel confused and saddened.

    Any advice or similar experience from anyone would be greatly appreciated.

    1
  74. marie paul  June 25, 2017 at 5:57 pm Reply

    I do not see any current comments but I can relate to the feeling of being alone in grief it will be 2yrs in august that my 28 yr old son passed away his birthday is coming up june 30th he would of been 30. After the first few months people started distancing theirselves from me except for one or 2 people. I tried not ever to be a burden i didn’t call people in the middle of the night i didn’t talk excessively about his death but still my family my sister other relatives i was close too don’t invite me to gatherings anymore or call like they used too it is very hurtful they do seem relieved when we speak that im doing ok. There is one person who calls whenever someone dies to say did you see what happened to that person at least you didn’t have to go through that, i watched my son die a agonizing painful death from a disease that shouldn’t of been fatal. My husband works alot , most weekends & alot of OT he has to because of his job so i sit here while they gather&im never invited when i mentioned once that i was told i have a husband. I lost 3 of my closest friends all in their 50s my bf right before my son died i feel like she would be here for me. Thank god i have one person who invites me over or i would never get out. I do not know what I did to be left out i really tried to work my way through the first year of Jordans death without being a burden. Has anyone else gone through this after losing a child? And for all out there who are mourning the loss of someone they loved dearly im sorry.

  75. Susie  September 22, 2016 at 12:42 pm Reply

    My Mom just died unexpectedly after a surgery. She had heart problems, but we weren’t told she had so little of a chance to survive… This happened 5 days ago. She was only 60. Now I’m left to plan a memorial while autopsy is performed… The hospital doesn’t even know why she died.. I only have my brother and obscur Aunts and Uncles offering to take my Moms place.. But now they’re the ones wanting family heirlooms, China sets, diamonds… Green eyed monsters every time someone dies. To make matters worse, my mother in law has been trying to convince my husband I’m no good for him for years, and he’s my only support. She says we’ll support you, then I ask for what I need, and she always has an appointment, or treats me like her dr appt is more important than my mothers funeral. I told my family if you want a funeral, go for it. I’d want to scream at my MIL for kicking me when I’m so hurt. My son was just in the hospital a week before my Mom died. My MIL said this wouldn’t happen if she cared for my son. I told her she must be a mind reader to make such know it all statements. She’s just so pompously rude.. I’m sorry, but I’ve prayed for her for years, and she keeps trying to drag everyone down into a pit. She hates her life, hated her parents, hates me.. My husband gets his butt kissed by this faker, so he’s oblivious to her abuse of me. I wish she died instead of my Mom. But then I realized, the good die young, no wonder my MIL is 74 and keeps getting healthier. I believe you choose your heaven. 100 years of heaven on earth, or an eternity of heaven with Jesus. My Mom chose eternity, my MIL is vain and worldly, she’s chosen the 100 years on earth for her heaven.. Bad choice, but it’s one we all have to make. Live for God, or self.. My Mom Chose God. My MIL doesn’t understand faith, and she’s the Pastors wife. It’s flabbergasting… I hope my MIL lives a long time since she thinks it’s ok to hurt others, Because such won’t inherit the kingdom of heaven, the bible says. I told her she treats everyone different based on looks and riches. She tried to profess sainthood, and never says sorry without being sarcastic, or blaming you for being sensitive. She calls me pathetic.. She has no repentance, and my Mom always repented. God bless her soul, and please help my MIL to wake up out of the darkness and treat others as she would be treated.. My dad died 13 years ago in a hospital. I heard him screaming. They amputated his leg, and he was having blood transfusions that removed his pain medicine.. It was like seeing a civil war scene.. Seeing my Mom peaceful at her death was comforting, but I miss her, even though I know Jesus said she’s mine now. He told me the morning she died that He ( God) would be in front of her, and behind her. I thought he meant to keep her safe in the surgery, but now I think it was to escort her to heaven. To live is Christ, and to die is gain. Believe, and we’ll be where Jesus is. In Paradise. Our only hope. Don’t forget what the devil did to Job, and his miserable comforters he had, but the end of the story is Job was restored. And he even said, If a tree is cut down, the stump still seeks water and will once again shoot forth a branch. Jesus is the water we seek in death to make us grow again. He’s going to wake the death and say, death where is your sting? No more death, sickness, or crying when the Son of God returns. Have this hope, because there is no hope in this futile world. God said he’s going to make a new heaven and earth, and the former things will pass away. If this makes you sad, then your hope is in the world. Look up for hope. And faith is not real unless we work it out like a muscle. God bless those who mourn.

    1
  76. Barbara Silvia  July 31, 2016 at 7:52 pm Reply

    My story is too long to post but i will say i was abandoned too with many deaths and now i am alone and grieving everyday

    1
    • SCHE  July 20, 2021 at 2:26 am Reply

      I have been reeling from my dad’s death that happened almost a year ago. Prior to that, my mother decided she didn’t want to take care of him… And didn’t want the house I grew up in. My brother had move his family a couple hours away… And my mother wanted to be near him. Meanwhile, my brother pushed to have my dad in an independent living situation. My dad was of sound mind and we were very alike in many ways, despite the fact that my mom openly disliked him and tried to raise us to disparage him. I never have figured out why she hated him so much. He was kind of hapless around the house but smart and funny and certainly had no malice in his heart. My mother is a WWII survivor and had her childhood stolen from her. She’s also very smart and educated. They both were but she was more frugal minded and professionally successful. Anyway, my brother told me he hated me about 10 years ago. He spent little to no time with my dad, even though he was right nearby. Instead, my husband and I visited often and did whatever we could for my dad. My brother makes a lot of money and is comfortable. My career has had a lot of highs and lows and my husband hasn’t worked full time in 10 years. But we’re definitely ok. Both my brother and I helped out my parents financially over the last several years. To be fair, my mother was obsessed with paying off some credit card debt that really wasn’t that much. Of course, she blamed my father for that small debt, too, and played martyr by not buying anything for herself. She seemed to take pleasure in hurting and berating my dad and takes no accountability for anything that may have been wrong in their marriage. She thinks I judge her but really, I always just wished she could let some of this go, at least to her kids’ (me). My brother was fine with it and also thought it was fun to make fun of and disparage my dad. He was good to him on paper but there was so much judgement coming from my mom and later, my brother, that it was hard to miss. About 6 years before my dad died, my brother tried to paint a picture of my dad where he was uncaring, didn’t take an interest in my brother and (gasp!) Didn’t even coach his baseball team! He literally said this. A 40-sonething year old man, who is also a father, said this! His wife parrots everything he says and thinks. It’s so messed up. Last year, when my dad got a 6 months to live or less diagnosis, my brother wouldn’t even come into the building. My dad (rightfully) asked me, “Why did he come? ‘ He left me to sit with the doctor and hear this. I couldn’t even work. How could I? I wanted to spend as much time as possible with Dad. I didn’t want him to be alone. He died a month later to the day after his diagnosis. None of us expected it to be that quick. He was in and out of hospice and in that last night, he couldn’t breathe so they doped him up with oxygen. My mom, husband and brother went home, but I stayed, in case he woke up. I didn’t want him to be scared or alone. At 7am, he was still alive, but asleep. My husband and mother came around 8am. I kept texting my brother… He didn’t come. At 9am, my dad took his last breath. I saw him do it. My brother still wasn’t there. He didn’t come for a long time. He didn’t cry. He didn’t act upset. My mother seemed shocked. I was beside myself. The rest is even worse- my mother and brother had no plans. My dad had told hospice that he wanted to be cremated and the name of the funeral home. Nobody wanted the ashes! So I offered to take them. From that point on, it was as if my mom and brother were done. My mom was only interested in criticizing his medical care to that point. My brother bought a vacation home with the money he inherited. I arranged to get the ashes blessed. My mother came but my brother was at his vacation home. Then I started thinking about the ashes. I decided he should be with his parents. So I went to their cemetery in and bought a plot. I got a headstone. And I have waited almost a year. But now;. Have planned a memorial in his honor. My mother and brother have had no involvement, even though I have offered many times. I have done all the planning and have invited them to my home. They are coming, but for less than 24 hours. My brother announced he will leave directly from the luncheon. In summary, I have gotten little to no comfort or solace from my own family. All I want to do is be with my dad. He would make me feel like myself. I am not myself anymore because the family I thought I had apparently never existed! I don’t know who I am or why I am here. I really don’t. I am a really loyal person for whom family means everything but they act as if that all wasn’t important. I really pray the memorial goes well and I won’t be further upset and disappointed. But all I can think about is, two days after my dad died, my mother called and said, “What’s the matter? You sound sad.” I was like, “Yeah, I am sad! My father just died!!!” I just don’t understand and it’s all so hurtful.

      1
  77. Priscilla  July 30, 2016 at 11:03 pm Reply

    It’s also a lot more jumbled and messy when the death was a stillborn child. My family were there, flew across the country, called etc… But within months it dwindled to nothing. They all never called and supported after the first anniversary of our son’s death. Like people move on and grow tired of you still hurting and being different and ‘stuck’

  78. bea  March 8, 2016 at 11:35 am Reply

    My parents abandoned me long before my husband passed. Last February, he was admitted to ICU in a cancer center. They came down to “help me” because I had 3 dogs at the time, and it was 45 minutes to the hospital. They got in late Thursday evening and went with me to the hospital Friday a.m. John was having a bone marrow biopsy. My parents stayed long enough to hear “it was complete and John was resting”. My father had to eat lunch, so we went to the cafeteria. As soon as he finished eating, he and my mother left. I stayed with John all day and didn’t leave until nurse shift change around 7:30 p.m. I got home after 8:30, took care of the dogs, checked phone messages. Around 9:30 p.m., my father told my mother “I’m tired of her sh**, let’s go.” It took them about 15 minutes to pack up their stuff. I, of course, was crying and asking “what did you mean by that?” My mother told me to “get hold of yourself. what is wrong with you?” I told her “my husband is fighting for his life, and you’re asking what is wrong with me?” They walked out the door, and I was left alone for the next six months to take care of John, three dogs and our house.
    Unfortunately, John took a turn for the worse last July. I renewed our wedding vows with him on his last night. My parents drove down again, but it was much the same. My father had the nerve to tell my sister “don’t bother coming down because she isn’t having a funeral”. My sister, thankfully, didn’t listen to him and flew in the next day. It was around lunch time, and my father told my mother to fix lunch. My mother said “she can fix her own lunch”. So, I tolerated them one more day, and thank God they left the next day.
    Three weeks later, I planned John’s memorial service. I really thought my parents wouldn’t show, but unfortunately they did. My sister and her son were at my house along with my parents. I snapped at my parent’s dog who peed and pooped on my rug which I had to clean up. They packed up their stuff. The next morning was John’s memorial. My parents showed up late, managed to suffer through the service, ate lunch and had my brother-in-law take them back to my house. They drove back home and never said a word to me. My father wouldn’t even look at me at the service. My sister, her husband and nephew were appalled, but I told them “this happens every time”. Needless to say, I don’t have a relationship with my parents at this time. They refuse to acknowledge what they did, won’t talk about John . . . I’m supposed to forgive and forget anything happened. I ask God to help me forgive them every day, but the trust has been broken once again, like I’ve let happen for over 40 years.
    I’m now totally alone. All three of our dogs passed within one month of each other after John passed. I just try to get by one minute, hour, day at a time. Thank you for letting me vent.

    1
    • Trish  August 6, 2016 at 2:05 pm Reply

      I’m so sorry for your losses. I can certainly relate. My father died unexpectedly in 2008. Since then, our family has completely fell apart. Personally, I have been at death’s door 3 times, not even a phone call to see if I made it. Months and months of recovery. No offer to even bring a pizza by, or anything. I have come to realize that just because people share the same DNA does not mean they are obligated to associate with each other. My family has a toxic relationship. There is no love loss…love doesn’t treat others that way. I refuse to walk back into that atmosphere ever again…just like I wouldn’t expose myself to some horrid incurable disease. God knows my heart. I have given it ALL to Him. He knows them better than I ever did. I understand the “guilt” feelings of “but that’s my parents”….After the way you were treated, and apparently your Mom stood by and allowed your Dad to be so cruel, she’s as guilty as he is. I would not welcome them in my home ever again. They don’t even deserve an explanation. It’s obvious he didn’t want to come in the first place, he made that clear. Again, your Mom said nothing. Respect yourself enough to refuse to allow people to be in your life and treat you worse than an animal….because there is NO respect coming from them. Ask God to help you with your feelings of hurt, abandonment, resentment, anger, and all others…ask Him to remove those painful memories to where they bother you no more than some kid who you were in the first grade with…they’re just a memory without emotions connected. My Mom said in a conversation she started and had asked my opinion on something, and I gently told her what I thought. She didn’t like it and responded, “Hahahha…Do you think I need “somebody like YOU” to advise me on anything?…Hahaha……..That did it, that was the last straw. No, somebody like her does NOT need somebody like me for anything anymore. I don’t even answer the phone if she’s on my caller ID. It’ll just be more drama.I’m in control of my life and who is welcomed or not. Respect and love are ALWAYS together in a relationship of any meaning. If one or both aren’t there, then you are just a pawn they use to their advantage and then tossed aside until the next time they want to use you.

      • Trish  August 6, 2016 at 2:11 pm

        P.S.
        Even Jesus Christ knew when to knock the dust off his shoes, and leave people to their own devices. It’s time to clean your shoes off……….

      • Jo  September 14, 2017 at 10:29 am

        “I have come to realize that just because people share the same DNA does not mean they are obligated to associate with each other.” This has been a hard pill to swallow for me as well. It took me 3 years of hard work and letting go to get to this point…family was always so important to me and now that they have shown their true colors, I no longer feel obligated to include them in my life. They don’t include me in theirs and haven’t since my husband unexpectedly died in our home. And I tried and tried, gave and gave, and finally gave up. One way relationships are just that: one way. So I took the road away from them. I’m feeling “freer” now that I’ve done this, however, I miss knowing I have family. POOF! Husband dead. POOF! Family gone (well, gone after they got what they were bequeathed) and not one ounce of checking in on me or helping me. Just unsolicited advice and give me this and that and silence. I hope you reach a place where you are at some sort of peace with letting go of this toxic familial relationship. I send you love.

        1
  79. griever  October 28, 2015 at 1:09 am Reply

    Wow, so much loss, I am so sorry and my heart hurts along with yours. Please know that you are cared for and loved by people you have never met, such as myself. I know it’s hard to do daily things and stuff you believed in once upon a time are not comforting anymore.

    Day by day just do the best you can and I hope new situations and people will appear in your life to give you comfort. After my sweetheart passed, it took me two years till I laughed, what a weird feeling that was, didn’t know what to do at that.

    Hang in there, you have come to the right place to express yourself and we all love and help each other as best we can.

    Best wishes to you.

  80. Vicki  October 13, 2015 at 1:02 pm Reply

    MONTHS? They expect it to take months?
    Right after someone in my family was murdered in a terrorist act and I was having trouble handling it compared to how “easy” it was to process other losses in my life, so I asked for help, someone told me that if I “wasn’t better in two weeks” they’d think something’s wrong with me.
    Two weeks later I still felt like I’d been hit in the side of the head with a shovel, was walking through my days feeling so dazed and confused I could barely work out simple directions much less process the whole thing and move on within weeks.
    They give you less than a month to work through a homicide, then start in with the conspiracy-theory crap not much longer after that. A month ago I ran afoul of a person who was going around telling everyone September 11 never happened and that all the people who died on the planes “went right on living their lives.”
    So I guess we’re all hiding our loved ones in the broom closet or something just to annoy the person who believes in these government conspiracies? Online such people come a dime a dozen. No matter how hard I try to avoid most of them I still end up running across some of them.
    I’ve never had to deal with certain things in death by sickness or accident that I’ve had shoved down my throat bc it was a homicide. With accidents people blame the dead person sometimes, but they almost always do with a death by intentional violence. Knowing they’re probably doing so to make themselves feel better on a subconscious level does little to console me some days.
    Then you have people who feel sorry for the suspects at Guantanamo, the ones who had evidence against them beFORE they were tortured by CIA “officials,” so even if the behavior was totally stupid on the government’s part the people incarcerated had enough evidence against them to keep them there. They’re not innocent lambs like some people want you to say of them. And we won’t even discuss why it’s still in Pre-trial hearings 14 years later. I have a friend whose daughter was killed at the movie theater in Aurora, Colorado by a madman with a semi-automatic weapon. The trial’s been and done less than 3 years later.
    When the victim advocate in New York City told me that almost everyone who goes through a homicide feels RE-victimized by the court system I thought she was exaggerating, or I didn’t assume it would be much more traumatic than the actual death. I thought I’d seen the worst that could happen. Well what they’ve done since it occurred has been almost as terrible as the main event, no thanks to Cheney/Bush, who I voted for but not bc I thought they were going to torture prisoners. That’s NOT what I envisioned when President Bush said he’d “make the people who did it pay for their crimes.” I thought he meant the normal punishment of prison and/or death sentence.

    This loss changed things in me that I wasn’t willing to give but felt forced into it. I never thought I’d have trouble reading murder mysteries or fiction in general, I never considered that some writers glamorize homicide in fiction until it happened in my family or that I wouldn’t be able to read certain books if the information is handled insensitively.
    I remember reading a Stephen King book, Bag of Bones it was called, where he said writers need to be more sensitive to the way they handle fictional homicides. It was 1994 and I hadn’t had any personal experience to relate to what he meant; I wondered what he was talking about but disagreed with his statement.
    I agree now. Slasher movies for the sake of violence is an example of what he meant; there are novels equivalent to slasher movies that show violence for gratuitous reasons. I can’t watch or read about things I used to view or read with impunity. The Halloween movies for instance. I can still watch Friday the 13th though, at least halfway; Jason was bullied before he died. Not the greatest reason to become a murderer but at least there’s an impetus.
    Other things changed in me too. I wouldn’t mind so much but it happened against my will; I DO mind that and I also care that people assume I have 100% control of how I feel about it. That I can turn it on or off at will. If I could I’d already have done so.
    The only thing I can control is what I talk about and never discuss it – or hardly ever do. I’ve never talked about this part of it, but the question of ‘how has the loss changed your identity’ persuaded me to talk.

    My favorite sister-in-law lost a live baby and one to stillbirth. They were twins, one never had a name bc it was dead at birth and she hadn’t named it. She named the other Katelyn Patricia Barnes and the baby lived 5 1/2 months, then died a few days before Christmas. She got really upset at my stupid brother, whose first comment was that he was glad the baby died bc “she’s not suffering anymore.” She suffered the whole time bc she had no surfactant in her lungs and they didn’t know how to manufacture it then, but all Kim could see was that the baby was gone and had no chance to improve, which she thought would occur even though she was a nurse and her rational mind knew it wouldn’t happen. It was emotional and anyway it was her first baby. My mom didn’t help by taking my brother’s side, being glad the baby was no longer suffering in neonatal intensive care.
    Kim stopped believing in God’s love and stopped going to church. She may have started believing in his love again but still doesn’t attend church.
    I stopped believing in His love after September 11 but went to church anyway and hoped the mind would follow the body. That’s another thing that changed against my will. Love IMO is either there or it isn’t, you feel it or you don’t, and it wasn’t there afterward. I went to church until someone accused me of being “too tolerant.” I left and haven’t returned.
    It didn’t help that my mom forgot to mention the living baby was part of a twin set in which one was dead at delivery. I was an EMT-D then; I would have known how truly much of a miracle it would have taken for the other baby to live in that case and never would have gotten my hopes up in the first place. But my mom waits until 10 years later to casually mention Katelyn was part of a twin. I would have recalled if she’d said something earlier bc I would have known not to have high expectations for the other baby. Expectations mattered in this case.
    I don’t think I’ll ever understand that loss even though it was more Kim’s than mine. I’ve never prayed a rosary again. I’ve never believed in the magic of touching beads to make something happen. I also don’t believe in Holy Water anymore.

    • Jeremiah Larry  October 5, 2019 at 12:39 am Reply

      people who mourn the death of homicide mourn very differently. I am very sorry for you lost i am sure you are still mourning each and everyday, My brother was stabbed to death. big hug

Leave a Comment

YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS WILL NOT BE PUBLISHED. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.