Crying In Public (aka Sometimes Socks are Sad)
/ Coping with Grief : Litsa Williams
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Crying in public happens. For example, sometimes you are in a store, and the tears just start coming. A small child standing nearby says to her mom, "why is that lady crying?" which makes you cry harder. You then look at your full cart, assessing how quickly you can get out of the store. Thinking you can't possibly face the checkout line, you abandon your cart and leave the store, worrying that you're losing your mind.
And when I say "you," I mean me.
"Sometimes" means just the other day.
And "store," means the Target in Towson, Maryland. In the sock aisle, to be specific.
Let me explain.
One of my best friend's moms was diagnosed with cancer this past summer. I grew up with this friend; we went to college together, she sang at my dad's funeral, and I was a maid of honor at her wedding. We have one of those friendships that makes you realize the limitations of language: she's a friend who's essentially family, and clearly, there should be a word for that.
And as long as I've known this friend, I've known her mom. And she is the type of mom who everyone loved growing up. Her house was your house. When you wanted to spend the night, get pizza, or watch movies, the answer was always yes. You could always tell her the truth. She was always there, always supportive, like family.
And then she had cancer, just like that. Two months and it was too late. September brought hospice, and a week later, she died.
When she was first diagnosed, I took a care basket to the hospital filled with anything I could think of to make the hospital more comfortable – socks and magazines, chapstick, and a pillow. The care basket was July. The funeral was in September. And it was December when I walked into the same Target where I created that care basket.
It was the holidays, so I had a long list of things I needed, and I was in a hurry. One of the last things on my list was tights, so I walked into the sock aisle. I scanned the sock aisle, and I froze. I was staring at the same sock display I had stood in front of months before when picking out hospital care-package socks.
It was suddenly wholly surreal. All that had happened over the last few months hit me at once. First, there was cancer, but there was also hope. Next, there was surgery, but then no hope. Finally, there was hospice and the funeral. And now here we are again, in the sock aisle.
It felt impossible that so much had happened, a beautiful life had left this world, and yet, the same stupid, ugly neon socks were still sitting on the shelf. So despite my intense desire not to, I started to cry. In Target. In the sock aisle. During the holidays.
Crying in public--it happens!
Now, you may be thinking, isn't this woman a mental health professional?!? And she is having meltdowns in public places? And she's posting about it on the Internet? Is she nuts? Yes, yes, yes, and NO.
Crying in public does not make me unstable, and admitting to it, doesn't make me nuts. I'm posting about this because this is an extremely common occurrence, and it doesn't do any good to keep our mouths shut about it. Silence only contributes to the notion that people should hide their grief and reinforces a culture that causes people to feel embarrassed for shedding tears in front of others.
This, in turn, causes some people to believe they need to avoid certain places because they worry they will experience difficult emotions and possibly cry. And it exacerbates people's feelings of shame and embarrassment about expressing their grief.
So, let's get a few things straight:
- Crying is normal.
- Emotions are good (even the bad ones).
- Everybody cries sometimes.
- Most people have cried in public.
- Crying in public doesn't mean you're crazy.
- Sometimes crying in public, once you get over feeling mortified, can be liberating.
Don't believe me on that last one? Check out Jillian Lauren's great article on Huffington Post, Crying in Public: Is it Really a Problem? in which she embraces her own experiences with tears in cafés. Need more proof that people are crying in public left and right, and it isn't all that bad? Check out the New York Times Opinionator post by Melissa Febos, Look At Me, I'm Crying.
The bottom line is that grief triggers can be anywhere when you're grieving. You can't always anticipate the things that will set off your emotions. It can be a song playing in the elevator, a family you see playing in the park, a comment from a co-worker, or the sock aisle at Target.
You can't always plan for what will set off your emotions. It can be a song playing in the elevator, a family you see playing in the park, a comment from a co-worker, or the sock aisle at Target. Can it be embarrassing? Sure. It's also a reminder that you aren't always as in control as you may wish you were.
At WYG, we always support embracing emotions rather than suppressing them. So I would love to say that when these situations arise, you should take a time out from life, grab your journal or call a friend, and start sorting through some of those emotions. But we know you have busy lives, and you sometimes have to get through the grocery list without pausing to process your emotions. You need to get a handle on the situation in the short term. So how do you cope when a mini-meltdown catches you off guard?
Crying In Public Like a Rockstar: Tips and Tricks
1) Anticipate (if you can). This is a big if. As mentioned above, these triggers often catch us off guard. But if you know something may be a trigger for you and you don’t want to end up with mascara streaming down your face, make a plan to manage your environment. This may be an escape plan, or a friend you are going to lean on, or straight up avoidance. I lost my dad. Father-daughter dances at weddings are a sob-fest for me and I know it. So what do I do? Shamelessly head to the bathroom as soon as a father-daughter dance is about to start.
2) Don’t panic. Easier said than done, I know. When you can feel yourself starting to well-up in front of your co-workers or your child's teacher it is hard not to panic. But panic can actually make the tears come faster and more forcefully. When you notice the feeling that you may cry try to slow things down. Notice the feeling, take a breath, and move on to some of the next steps. It is important to note that this is not about tensing up to avoid the tears, but noticing the feeling of tears coming, acknowledging and accepting it, and starting some relaxation techniques to calm down and slow the tears down.
3) Breathe. Seriously, we say it all the time because it is true. Well-timed deep breathing is a tried and true technique for controlling the tears until you get somewhere you feel more comfortable. Close your eyes and take a few deep breaths through your nose and into your abdomen. Focus as intently as you can on the breaths and relaxing your face and shoulders. Reducing some of the physical tension you are feeling can help ease the tears. Focusing on your breathing and counting your breaths can also serve as a distraction.
4) Take a step back. Along with noticing your breath, notice what has triggered this emotion. This can be really hard to do in the moment, but very effective in the long-term. Identifying and considering the thoughts behind your emotions can help you better understand your grief and, in the future, anticipate the crying in public potential. My Target-sock-meltdown had nothing to do with socks. The social worker in me forced myself to breathe and reflect in that moment. It clearly wasn't about the socks. It was about so many other things, things I had been avoiding because I had been too busy trying to support my friend.
5) Go somewhere private. If you are around friends, family, or colleagues, make up whatever excuse you need – you need to use the bathroom, make a phone call, throw up, whatever. Then book-it to a private spot. Let’s be honest, the bathroom is usually a surefire place to get some alone time. You will not be the first or last person to shed some tears in a bathroom stall. Your office, car, or any old empty room always works.
6) Go to your “happy place”. I know, I know, this sounds totally cliché. But when we are trying to calm down, visualization exercises can really help ease anxiety and shift our mood. How do you do it? Keep up those deep breaths. Concentrate on them and begin counting them. Imagine yourself somewhere calm and peaceful – a quiet beach, a stream in the woods, or even just a room that you feel at peace in. Imagine yourself in whatever your happy place may be. Focus on imagining the sights, sounds, and smells.
7) Smile. The clichés just keep coming, but this one is legit too! Smiling, even when you don’t mean it, has been linked to the release of endorphins and serotonin (a neurotransmitter that boosts our mood). Forcing yourself to smile can actually make you feel a little more like smiling (or, at the very least, a little less like crying). It has to be a big smile though, that shows your teeth and uses your cheeks. Check out more about smiling here if you’re interested.
8) Be honest. If you start to cry in front of friends, co-workers, or family they may want to support you (heck, sometimes strangers will even start offering support!). Don't be afraid to tell them whether you're open to support or if you need a little space. Because we all work so hard to avoid emotions we don’t always know how to support each other. So you need to tell people what you need. If someone says something really dumb when they are trying to help (which inevitably someone will) try not to hold it against them.
9) Don’t worry about what people think. If people see you cry, worrying about what they are thinking can just make you more upset. When you find yourself worrying about what other people think, use some good old-fashioned self-talk – everyone cries, everyone has gotten emotional in public, tears are normal and natural, those who care about me will understand and support me. If you are surrounded by strangers, even better! Remind yourself of all of the above, and then also add that you will never see these people again, so who cares what they think! In fact, seeing you cry in public may even make them feel a little more normal next time they get emotional in public. So think of it as your good deed for the day!
10) Play some happy music. We just posted on music as something that can have a real impact on your mood. Keep a playlist or CD of songs that cheer you up handy on your phone, computer, mp3 player, in your car, etc. Play to it when you need to cheer up and pull yourself together. Taking a break and listening to a happy song can sometimes be enough to regroup, wipe your tears, and go back to working, shopping, socializing, or whatever else you were doing. Check out our grief playlist post.
11) Make yourself pretty again. This is not about vanity. There is a practical purpose to wiping your tears. Once you have regrouped, someone asking you if you’re okay or what’s wrong can be a trigger to restart the waterworks. The less you look like you have been having a meltdown, the more confident you will feel and the less likely you are to have to field questions. If you are one of those people who looks perfect as you shed glistening tears, grab a tissue and get back to your day. If you are like me, getting your puffy eyes and blotchy face under control may take a little more work – cool water or a cool paper towel can help with the red puffiness, or a make-up touch-up and eyedrops if you are someone who carries items in your purse.
12) Make time to address the issue. When you are able to stop, control, suppress, or otherwise limit a cry-fest it can be tempting to avoid it forever. But spending some time in the privacy of home thinking about, talking about, journaling about, drawing about, photographing about, singing about, or otherwise exploring whatever led to your public tears is an important part of accepting, acknowledging, and coping with emotions. Make sure you take some time to reflect.
13) When all else fails, keep sunglasses on hand. Rockstars aren't the only people who can wear sunglasses indoors.
Have a tip for coping with the dreaded public-meltdown? Please share! Leave a comment.
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Angel May 9, 2023 at 11:21 am
I have been going through hell and back, and crying during school is near impossible. I’ve been separated from my boyfriend for the past few days, and i might’ve messed up our relationship. I ended up doing something terrible that i heavily regret. Although I’ve taken the steps to fix it, I still feel like he hates me. We have been together for a year and 5 months now, I don’t want to lose him. But anyways, I have been crying for a solid three days now, and I just can’t seem to stop. Everything is just so overwhelming and anxiety inducing. I have no way to get home at the moment, but it’s like everyone can tell that there’s something wrong with me. I don’t like it. It makes me want to curl up and hide, hide until I feel better to be around other people.
Kelly December 26, 2022 at 6:46 am
To the person who posted about losing their mom, my mom died 4 months ago, although it simultaneously feel like only yesterday and light years ago. I still can’t even think straight, and anytime I think of the last months she was here I just shut down. I went from not talking to her much to being her full time caregiver 5 months to the day before she died. I know it seems like all I do is cry in public, so I just try to not leave the house. But I guess that’s not good either. Anyway I can’t imagine this overwhelming black hole in my existence ever going away especially since it seems like all it’s done is grown since she died but I keep reading these posts and try to hold onto hope
Doug February 5, 2020 at 10:14 pm
Don’t know why I was even on this blog… well yes I do. It’s all about the grief. I lost my 36 year old daughter exactly one year ago to the date. In September she, her husband, and three children bought a new house together with me and my wife. We all lived in the new house for three months before my daughter became ill with Acute Lymphoblastic Leukemia. She died in the hospital while undergoing chemo less than a month after being diagnosed. She never got to see her children while in the hospital. Since then her husband and grandchildren have moved out and no longer speak to me. My wife of forty years, and I have separated with divorce likely. I live alone in the six bedroom house that we all shared. It has no furniture or household goods; not even dishes. I have been diagnosed with prostate cancer and skin cancer. And I cry. All the time. In private or public places; it doesn’t matter. Restaurants, doctors offices, waiting rooms of any kind, even sitting in a barber chair getting a haircut. And always, while driving. Can’t watch tv or listen to the radio any longer; there are just too many reminders. You would think at some point there wouldn’t be any more tears. The tear bank would be exhausted. But they just keep coming. Like a tsunami. Wave after endless wave. Maybe if more men wouldn’t try so hard to hide their grief, society would be more accepting to the idea that men grieve every bit as deeply as women do.
Jeanne B. November 29, 2019 at 8:24 pm
My father died in June 2006. My mother followed him four months later. I thought I was dealing with it OK until I was in Walmart and it was Christmas displays everywhere, and there I was in gift wrap when “Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas” came on and I was fine until “Through the years, we all will be together, if the fates allow…” and suddenly I was sobbing over a roll of Santa paper. It didn’t help that Grandma’s favorite, “Silver Bells” followed shortly thereafter. She’d been gone since 1982, but still. Too much loss.
I still can’t listen to HYAMLC. Just can’t. Because that’s all over and done with now, and it will never be like it was, ever again.
Nina October 31, 2019 at 4:10 pm
As many, I can relate to all of these comments/stories. Both of my parents loved to sing and knew so many songs. I am virtually a puddle waiting to get away when I am anyplace with music (i.e., restaurants, parties, stores, etc.).
Along with music, is a store of almost any kind. My mother died almost 4 years ago (November 29th, 2015). I still have a hard time going to a supermarket because that was one of the regular activities in our routine when I would stay over each weekend to help her as her dementia continued. Thank goodness my husband likes food shopping. Otherwise, I would always eat take-out. My mother also loved shopping at Macy’s and most any department stores. I still find those places hard to deal with. I guess Amazon has helped me in that respect.
Finally, every Friday night for the last ten years of her life, I left NYC to drive to NJ to take care of her for the weekend. We were both so happy to see each other and spend that time together. Even now, most Friday nights find me crying on my way home in NY knowing that I am missing her and probably will never feel that joy of being in her company.
Nina November 4, 2019 at 12:11 am
Sorry, I meant to tie in the part of crying in public. When I heard music in these various places, I would have a meltdown. When I was leaving work on Friday nights, I cried walking to the train. Then, I continued crying on the train. I tried to hide the gushing tears, but usually could not.
rohit aggarwal September 13, 2019 at 2:17 am
thanks for the information
Raquel Simon August 1, 2019 at 3:37 pm
Thank you for sharing your story. This reminded me of when my mother came to live with us (me and my son) as her health was declining and she kept being thrown into the hospital (she had been living alone) – so we moved her from IN to NC.My mother and I had some difference all of our lives and truth be told, she always had a closer bond to my younger sister than she did with me. She and my sister liked “girly” stuff, I was a tom boy. Anyway…my mother had a choice to make, to either come to NC with me and my son, or move to FL to be with my sister her her dog. Momma moved to NC. Having been a hospice nurse for years and then our company changed to mandatory colors of scrubs for all staff (to distinguish the RN from the HA from the RT, etc…) – anyway, the nurses colors were: black and white…all black, all white or white top with black pants. You heard I was in a Hospice nurse for years. right? Well, black and white does not fit into my “world”. Therefore, when we were made to wear the mandatory colors, I went out and bought the brightest, most loud (and cute) socks that I could. My son helped me pick out “bright” colored tennis shoes. My patients and family LOVED my bright socks and shoes!! A patient even told me once during his admission to hospice “I will race you to the stop sign and back for your tennis shoes.” LOL My mother thought I was “crazy” for buying loud/fun socks but I loved them all the more. Fast forward 26 months….my mother was on Hospice and bed bound. She kept complaining of rough feet and cold feet. I went out and bought her the brightest/loudest/softest aloe infused socks to help combat the rough/cold feeling in her feet. When she saw them, she laughed and said “Now I have a pair of Elf socks!” Throughout her 2 weeks on Hospice , after she was bathed or cleaned up, she would say “make sure you put my Elf socks back on me.” She loved her bright, loud, “Elf” socks. BTW….I still wear bright/loud socks to this day!!
Vicki December 8, 2015 at 12:31 am
I made a gigantic fool of myself crying in public and embarrassed the TSA in the process. They were intending to take a chemical sample of my leg brace I was wearing at the time, which worked by magnet therapy and set off their hypersensitive sensors. They wanted to be sure there was nothing in there that was going to blow people up on the plane…I GUESS. But because someone in my family was killed on September 11 I lost all cohesion at the very thought that anyone in this world, even security, could think I’d do to another family what was done to mine. I couldn’t take what they were implying and burst into tears. Asked them how they could think I’d do to another family what was done to mine. Questioned why they didn’t do all this stuff earlier so maybe the person in mine could be alive and me not be going through the aftermath of weird homicide. For at least 10 minutes I was an all-out ball of uncontrolled blubbering.
Every one of the guards looked so deeply uncomfortable it wasn’t funny – and it certainly wasn’t planned. They still had to take the sample but they let me board the plane instead of waiting 45 minutes for the test to come back positive or negative. That would’ve caused me to miss my plane and gotten me in who knows what straits if I’d had to wait that long, and I haven’t flown since then. I’m still upset that someone whose family member died bc of this nonsense is suspected along with everyone else of potential foul play and treated as if they could do to someone else what was done to their own family.
No amount of breathing or smiling would have helped in this case but I’ll try it in others. I just hope no others make an appearance. I don’t believe I only get things I can handle. I don’t believe I “must be able to handle all of it bc God only gives you what you can handle.”
I think I’ve done a pretty lousy job of managing losing someone to a terrorist act. Especially in the time management department. It took 18 months before I could even have a reaction to it after the initial one of disbelief and like my whole system had been shocked with 50,000 volts of electricity.
Stephanie September 16, 2015 at 1:42 pm
Crying is awesome. I have been torturing myself the past few months trying to be strong, think positive, have gratitude and acceptance, all in the name of not crying. Trying to be someone who is “handling it well”. Even my therapist has been giving me advice on how to distract myself from crying. I have tried so hard to fight back the sadness I was wound tight as a fist and ready to explode. I was snapping at everyone, I was drinking too much, I was full of anger.
Then one day last week, during yoga class, I asked to find acceptance, so I could stop feeling like I needed to cry all the time. The words flowed into my mind “my mother is dying” and “I am really sad about it”. And the tears flowed, yes I became “that” person in yoga class! Bawling quietly on the mat!!!
But I finally “got” it — “acceptance” means CRYING! It means accepting I am sad and processing that and letting it out. From that moment on I decided to stop being afraid of the crying, now when I feel it coming on, I welcome it. (Okay at work I still try and hold it together lol) In my car, in front of my kids, in the morning at breakfast. Crying is awesome. I feel so much better afterwards. It lets the pain out. It means I loved someone a lot. It means I am sad, and that is beautiful. What incredible freedom and release I feel when I finally let myself cry.
Yes it’s embarrassing, but we cry because we loved someone that deeply.
Victoria June 1, 2015 at 4:18 am
Thank you for your excellent blog.
Here’s my ‘sock story’
https://victoriawhyte.wordpress.com/2015/05/29/my-sock-story/
Litsa June 1, 2015 at 8:48 am
Ah thanks so much for sharing your story Victoria! Always good to know we are not alone being brought to tears by socks. Not sure if you have read enough of our articles to know this, but my dad also died of myelodysplastic syndrome! (An exclamation point seems odd to punctuate that sentence, but hey, it is what feels right and this is a grief site). I am so sad to learn of your loss of Leah but glad you found our site. Thanks for sharing your ‘sock story’ 🙂
Jack April 19, 2015 at 10:03 pm
I’ve spent the last year going through so much personal hardship that you can’t make it up. I’m also very aware that many have it worse than me. That said, I’ve just been to the first social event I’ve been invited to since my life went very bad in many ways. Some very kind people who I just met invited me, and they have no idea what I am going through– I act happy and social to everyone. During the dinner party which was a very positive and much laughter filled event, a mutual friend mentioned a friend of ours who passed away from cancer. I had talked to the person who passed away just as he was given the dire news that his life was over-it was brutal. A negative subject to discuss at this happy occasion, I started to relay this brutally sad conversation and got choked up mid sentence. I had to stop talking and just look down; trying to ride it out without starting to really cry. The person I was speaking with sensed that I was struggling and became quiet, which caused the strangers around me to stare at me and it got really uncomfortable real quick. Lasted about 40 seconds and I was able to not burst out. I finally looked up and a guy across the table said “No crying on my watch”. I was mortified and embarrassed to hear that, but the friend I knew said, “We’ve lost a lot of friends”. Fortunately the couple the party was thrown for didn’t see me. I quickly composed myself and made a joke “Now back to the positive” I didn’t know what else to say. Because of what’s going on with me I’m pretty much in pieces emotionally, internally, but don’t share that with the public, only my therapist. About the crying, I just felt that I possibly was reaching out or needy. Would I have been less apt to cry publicly if my personal life wasn’t so messed up? Not real happy about what I brought to the party, but it happened.
Ana January 6, 2015 at 1:16 pm
My Mom died 5 months ago of a brain tumor. In that time, I have abandoned at least 3 baskets of groceries in a store because of songs that play over the loudspeaker (seriously, what sick person thought it’d be a good idea to play “Christmas Shoes” in a public venue over the holidays….if you’ve never heard it, grab a COUPLE boxes of tissues and buckle up!). Other triggers have been the nightgown section at Kohl’s (where the nightgown my Mom was wearing when she died is now on clearance), the sugar-free candy aisle of any store (Mom was diabetic), as well as smelling her favorite soup at a Chinese restaurant. In every instance, I had to drop whatever I was doing and make a bee-line for the car, where I could unload my emotions onto my steering wheel. I always fear if I let myself explode in public, that people will think I’ve “lost it” and wonder if they should call for help (i.e. an ambulance or other emergency personnel). I became pretty skilled at “keeping my game face on” around visitors at the end of Mom’s life. Now I can barely make it through an outing without feeling like I’m about to get ambushed by something that reminds me of her. It’s like I contained it for so long, it won’t be silenced anymore, now that she’s gone.
Eleanor January 13, 2015 at 9:49 am
Oh Ana,
I feel for you!! Those things that seem like such little reminders, I can feel how connected they are to your mother. Your mother’s death was not so long ago, I think this is pretty normal. Hopefully in times these reminders will be far more tolerable, they may even become warm reminders. I wrote a post about how I look at these things now that I am many years out from the death of my mother. I’m not sure it will be helpful to you right now, but maybe just a reminder that things do get easier in time and that’s not because your moving on or forgetting but because the meaning and feelings associated with these things change.
Eleanor
chantillylace December 6, 2014 at 10:06 am
For Bob: I read his comment on not wanting to play radio in car……reminds me of the day I began singing “The Falling Leaves” to my grandchildren – my husband had just passed away -( I have a habit of singing about everything) – but then I got to the last line which was..”but I miss you most of all, my darling, when autumn leaves start to fall”. I absolutely could not finish that last line and probably never will.
No October 30, 2022 at 8:40 am
I’ve found crying in public helpful. Work can be sketchy, but it’s helpful just to speak the truth. The last thing you can do is hold back tears. Let your tears flow & let your past go. Sometimes tears are the only thing that helps release pent up emotions. You’d be surprised how many compassionate people will come to your side to help. Be honest, tell people you lost a loved one, it’s very freeing. I lost my mother in 2018 & my dad a year ago. My brother in law passed away from an accidental overdose right at the hight of COVID. COVID has changed the world. The innocence & safety we lost is another reason to grieve. So cry & grieve away.
Bob March 24, 2013 at 11:28 pm
Lista – I can definitely relate. If you felt embarrassed, as a woman, crying in the socks aisle of Target, imagine being a man and having a meltdown in a store. Happened to me…more than once. There is a stigma about men crying in public even more than women. Also, men are discouraged by our society to talk about their feelings of grief (except maybe when their favorite sports team has a “heartbreaking” loss). Fortunately, I found a counselor who kept a box of tissues within arms reach at all sessions and, later, a grief support group with a male participant who was very articulate and insightful. Another topic which you might want to blog about is crying while driving — probably at least as dangerous as driving while talking on a cell phone. I learned from experience, in the days after my partner died, not to have the radio on while driving on an interstate (where there wasn’t an opportunity to pull over). Too much of a risk of a song coming on the radio that would trigger a gusher.
Litsa March 29, 2013 at 10:45 pm
This is such an important point. If we as women feel self-conscious about our tears, I can only imagine how much worse it is as a man. Glad you found such good support. There seem to be more and more men blogging about grief, and I think it is a great trend. If you missed it, we highlighted a number of men who blog about grief here https://whatsyourgrief.com/weekend-update-february-10-2013/. I agree the car is a topic we should talk about, because I share that same experience and I know we are not alone! There is something about getting in the car that has always been a tear-trigger. I think it is often a place where we feel like we can finally release after having to work so hard to hold it together, not to mention the songs on the radio!