When Your Best Friend Dies

Types of Grief and Loss / Types of Grief and Loss : Litsa Williams


We got an email last week from someone who lost a friend.  Not just any friend died, her best friend died.  The kind of friend that is family.  You know the kind of friend I mean.  Here is a little clip from her email:

I have had a terrible time finding anything online about losing your best friend. She was my closest, dearest friend for 25+ years. We lived less than a mile apart. We were like Oprah and Gayle best friends, you know? We vacationed together, etc. She was never married and I’m divorced, so we didn’t have the distraction of families. I have a son but she was childless and loved my son like her own. He’s grown, though, so we were able to hang out daily as best friends often do when they’re younger, before marriages, etc.

Do you have any suggestions for me? I can’t be the only person dealing with this.

Of course she is right, we know she is certainly not the only person dealing with this.  Yet off the top of my head, I couldn’t remember reading many articles specifically on coping when a best friend dies.  This, of course, inspired me to do a Google search to see what’s out there. That turned up a few sites on losing a pet (your other best friend) . . .   

What struck me most was the simultaneous lack of information on the topic, coupled with an overabundance of vague, generalized crap grief advice.  Articles that are so broad and empty that you could title them “dealing with the loss of  _________”, fill that blank in with just about anything, and have it work.  I don’t know why that continues to surprise me – it was the whole reason we started What’s Your Grief – but it does.

The articles I found gave the same advice you might give anyone grieving:  don’t avoid the pain, remember you aren’t alone, remember all your great memories . . . blah blah blah.  I mean, it isn’t that those things aren’t true; they are.  It’s just that, let’s be honest, in the midst of your despair and confusion related to a very specific grief experience, hearing the same old broad, vague advice, again and again, is just frustrating.  And finding a post called “How to Get Over Losing a Best Friend That Passed Away”?  Well, that just shouldn’t even be allowed because, really?  How to get over it?  Oh, okay.  Sure.  Are there 7 easy steps?

Alright, sorry.  Rant over.

Anyway, all of this is just to say that this post is not going to be about all the general ways to deal with grief.  We have a zillion other posts on coping with grief in a zillion different ways.  All types of loss have their unique challenges and this post is going to be about what makes dealing with the loss of a friend uniquely difficult.  Ready?

Aristotle described deep friendship saying, “What is a friend? A single soul in two bodies”.   Plato reflected deeply and extensively on the nature of friendship and love. Thousands of years later, psychologists are helping us understand why friendship is so important.

We know from a review of 148 studies on friendship that there is a 50% increased likelihood of survival for participants with stronger social relationships.  Yup, people with good friends live longer and are healthier!  Spending time with friends actually reduces stress in women by increasing their oxytocin levels, friendship has been linked with lower rates of hypertension and heart disease and women with breast cancer who had close friendships were found to live longer than those who did not.  

I can throw all this friendship data at you, I can share the CS Lewis quote I love, “Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art…. it has no survival value; rather it is one of those things which give value to survival”, but at the end of the day it is something that feels impossible to describe.  

Friendship is deep and powerful and amazing, but it is hard to really explain why.   If you have a close friend you just know what I mean.  No surprise, when a friend dies, like when a family member dies, we don’t “get over it”.  We learn to live with it.  It may get different, it may get easier, but it is always with us.

What is it about losing a friend that is particularly isolating?  Why are there so few articles?  Why aren’t more people talking about it?


First, society doesn’t recognize what a big deal friendship is.

You know that your friend is family, that you love them as deeply, maybe even more deeply than your brother or your mom.  Plato and Aristotle knew.  But society in general?  That is another story.  Society often values family relationships over friendships.  There is a weight given to your relationship with your parents or siblings or grandparents or spouse that comes from the title alone.  

Somehow talking about your bestie often doesn’t feel like it carries that same weight. Ironically, your relationship with that friend may have been as, if not more, important.  This can feel especially crappy when a friend dies and those around you don’t give you the same support and validation that they would have had it been a family member.


Along with that, your friend’s family may not welcome you or get how close you were.

This isn’t always true, but if you didn’t know your friend’s family members they may not understand the nature or depth of your friendship.  This could be because they didn’t know you, your friend didn’t talk with them about you. They might not get it for some of the same reasons society doesn’t.  

You may want to connect with them, share memories, and be part of memorial events. Unfortunately, they may not be as welcoming as you imagined.  This can make an already impossible time feel even harder. You’re left wanting to scream “I loved her as much as you did!!!!” at them. 


It brings up our own mortality.

This one always feels weird or self-involved to talk about it, but it is a fact so let’s all just get over it.  When people die it brings up our feelings about our own death.  This can be especially true when it is someone who is “like” us and our friends are often “like” us.  Research proves it – we are often friends with people who are similar to us in age, health, socio-economic status, education, and who are even genetically similar to us.  For real!  When they die it is a reminder that we will die and, who knows, it could be soon.


It can change your relationship with other friends.

This is a complicated one because the reasons this can happen are broad.  But it is important because when you are grieving it is often the time that you need support the most and, in some cases, it is the very time that support from other friends can feel hardest to come by for many reasons.  

Your other friends may not know how to handle your grief, so they distance themselves.  Or,  you may all be grieving differently and are struggling to support each other.  It is also not uncommon to feel a sudden need to distance yourself from your other friends.  

No matter what the reason, it is important to think about how you can make efforts to maintain relationships or seek other support, so you don’t fall into unhealthy isolation.  A good place to start is assessing your support system.


You think you will never have another friend like them again.

And you know what, this is true.  You will never have another friend exactly like the person you lost.  Your friendship was as unique as the two of you.  But this doesn’t mean you won’t have other wonderful, meaningful friendships.  

When we grieve, there is often a pervasive fear of losing that connection to the person we lost.  We worry that if we start to feel ‘better’ it means we are forgetting that person or moving on.  With friendships, there can be a feeling that, if I let new friends in, I am forgetting or replacing the friend I lost.  

Keep in mind, no one is ever going to replace your friend.  Ever.  You will have new friendships, they will be unique and close and amazing in their own way, but they will never be a replacement for the person who died.  That said, opening yourself up to other friendships is a really good, really important thing.


Your friend is who always got you through the tough stuff.

When I think of my best friends, they are the ones I go to when life gets tough: breakups, divorces, financial troubles, school problems and job problems, illnesses, deaths, whatever.  When life gets tough your bestie is often your go-to person.  So when that person is gone you feel especially alone.  You feel desperate, lonely, and devastated and your instinct is to call the one person who is no longer there to support you.


So what can you do?

Well, I am not going to run through all the general grief coping stuff here because you can check out the tons of other posts we have on that – take care of yourself, find ways to continue bonds, figure out your coping style.  But I will mention a couple of things to keep in mind.  

First and most importantly, when others around you are making you feel like you don’t have the right to grieve the loss of your friend in the way or time that you need, remember that you absolutely deserve the space to grieve.  Work probably won’t give you bereavement leave, others may not acknowledge the depth of your relationship, but it is important you remember that you have every right to the grief and devastation you feel.

Something that can help with that is connecting with others who have lost friends.  This can be tough because often support groups are for the loss of a spouse, parent or child. Even if it is a general support group, you find it is filled with people who have lost a family member, not a friend.  

Look for a local support group on the death of a best friend.  Many local hospices and grief centers are willing to place people in groups with individuals with shared experiences.  So, talk to your local grief center or hospice and see if they may offer a group that would be a good fit for you.

Music, music, music

Lastly, look at music.  I know, this seems like a big shifting of gears. But as I was thinking about friendship and the nature of friendship, it got me thinking about music.  Though many parts of society don’t validate and talk about the loss of a friend, musicians seem to be the exception.  There are a lot of amazing songs about losing a friend that get at the depth of those relationships and the devastation of the losses.  

We have a huge list of songs about the death of a friend here. And here are just a couple, if you don’t want to see the whole list.

A classic . . . James Taylor’s Fire and Rain, written about the death of his friend Suzanne Schnerr. It also draws from some of his own struggles with addiction.

Another favorite that I am sure I have shared before, Elephant by Jason Isbell.  In an interview on NPR Isbell explained that this song wasn’t about losing one particular friend. Rather, it is about several different “bar friends” who died. 

For now just one more: Lou Reed’s My House, about the death of his friend and mentor, Delmore Schwartz. Warning, if you’re not a Lou Reed person this might not be your thing!

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503 Comments on "When Your Best Friend Dies"

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  1. Miguel  September 23, 2020 at 12:23 am Reply

    I just found out my best friend has a heart condition that could kill him by the time he’s 21 or around there, He as a hole that goes through his heart, and progressively gets bigger each year, his doctors say there is nothing they can do for him. He’s only 17, I just turned 18. I have known him since we were in pre-school, We’ve been friends for years, We’re both in our senior year of High School, We both agree we’re basically brothers, but now I’m faced with the idea of him passing away, now I’m not a very emotional person but I started to cry instantaneously, I’ve known him my whole life, I can’t even imagine him leaving it, It’s just so unbelievable. Now I know that if he were to see this he’d call me a little bitch, but I don’t care. Insult me or laugh at me all you want, I don’t care. I’m just to sad, I don’t want him to die. All I know is that when he dies. I won’t be far behind him.

    1
    • IsabelleS  September 23, 2020 at 9:46 am Reply

      Hi Miguel,

      Thank you for taking the time to comment. I am so sorry for everything you are going through. I know it feels unbearable, but what you are experiencing is all normal. You may want to seek out the support of a therapist trained in grief, which you can find here: https://grief.com/grief-counselor-directory/. If you are thinking of hurting yourself, or even if you just need someone to talk with, please call the national suicide helpline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit their website where you can do a live online chat https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/

  2. Melissa  September 22, 2020 at 12:45 pm Reply

    September 15. 2020. A day I will always remember. Lora, my best friend, Lora, is gone. The pain of your loss is still so raw. I can’t stop the tears. They come suddenly, without warning. After 34 years of sharing everything, you are no longer here. Who is going to help me hold it together, when you were my strength? I drove 1200 miles trying to make it to you in time. I was an hour too late. I trust that you are ok on the other side. As much as my heart is broken, I can’t wish you were still here. I told you I didn’t want you to suffer. The saying of, “you can’t take it with you”, is very true. But, you have taken a part me, and everyone else who loves you. I will miss you forever and a day.

    1
    • Grief touches us all  September 22, 2020 at 2:50 pm Reply

      Melissa, that is so so so rough and My heart goes out to you. My best friend left this plane in July of this year and it has been a rough road. It will be hard, but you can do this. BTW, I don’t think there is really closure when grieving. You lost a precious beloved part of you and it hurts, but the pain becomes easier to bare over time. I wish upon you Peace.

    • Sue  September 24, 2020 at 8:21 am Reply

      Oh I know exactly how you feel Melissa. I lost my best friend on 19th August 2020. Because I am not family it took me 48 hours to find out he died suddenly from a blood clot that lodged in his lung. I wasn’t allowed at his funeral. I visited his grave two days ago in order to say goodbye. It was heartbreaking. We had known each other for 40 years. I now keep searching the internet, Facebook etc, looking for him. I am still sending him messages on Facebook. I feel absolutely devastated. His family just don’t understand how much we meant to each other. He was always there for me and I was his rock too.

  3. Ann Tancred  September 14, 2020 at 8:00 am Reply

    I met my best friend 21 years ago. There was not a day we never heard from each other. I always felt safe and my bestie was always there for me. Her name is Mary. I always called her my Mary. It has been 1 year and 6 months without her in my life and there is not a day that I dont think about you. My world feels empty without you and I miss you mary. I can’t call you on the phone anymore because you never answer any more and I can’t come to your house because somebody else in living there. I walk the streets looking for you and cant see you. I listen for your voice and cant hear you. I miss you so very much. I shout out your name and you don’t answer. My world is lonely without you and I want you to come back.. i love you my best friend and will miss you for the rest of my living years.

    1
    • Rollina Joint  September 14, 2020 at 11:42 am Reply

      Good Morning Ann
      🌄💭
      18 months geez
      Two weeks and indeed
      I find I do the same things
      as well
      So many things I will always
      remember
      Each day recalling something
      I meant to share
      But can not now
      Hope things will
      make sence
      Each day will be brighter
      It is so hard
      I can not even
      begin explain it
      or make it easier
      Just know I relate
      and hope you find joy
      I will try too
      💭

  4. Sarah  September 7, 2020 at 11:59 am Reply

    Thankyou all for sharing ; hearing makes me feel not so alone.
    My best friend Hugh died on 6 March, 6 months ago after a short illness. We had been friends for 37 years : I met him when I was 14 and through all the years since he has seen me through so many adventures and heartaches and the deaths of all my family and an old University friend. He was my big brother, my Dad, my Uncle as well as my funny , witty, intelligent kind and generous, warm best friend. He always had a welcome home for me. I feel so utterly bereft without him and wonder how now I am to find an anchor. But I must and I know I am blessed to have had him
    For so long. I shall always miss him and hope one day we can sit and drink tea and laugh together as old. Thankyou Hugh. Please
    Give
    Me strength to carry on and keep your memory alive.
    Much love to all you out there who are similarly living with the grief of a best friend.

  5. Yuna York  September 4, 2020 at 8:23 pm Reply

    I was just notified of a childhood friend of mine who has died of brain cancer…My wounds are still pretty fresh, but I am going to her memorial not for the others but for her and myself-The whole school hates me and so does the mother but like I said I am not going there for them I am going there for her to remember her, do the same for your friend

  6. Jade  September 2, 2020 at 4:40 pm Reply

    Whenever i’m in particular pain, I find myself back on this page, knowing that I’m not alone and seeing a community of so many people reaching out to share their heartbreak. I just want to tell you all how amazing you all are. Even though you don’t think or feel it- how amazing you are all doing. To write it down and share is one step to being able to live with the consent hurt of not having your person with you.

    I see lot’s of comments saying ‘I don’t know how it’ll get easier’ and it doesn’t. At least not quickly. It’s been a little over a year since my best friend passed away and recently I saw a comment which summed my own grief in a way I’ve never seen.

    It said, “Grief is like this; There’s a box with a ball in it and a pain button. In the beginning the ball is huge. You can’t move the ball without hitting the pain button. It rattles around on its own in there and hits the button over and over. You can’t control it- it just keeps hurting, all the time, sometimes completely unrelenting.
    Over time, the ball gets smaller. It hits the button less and less but when it does, it hurts just as much as before. Its better because you can function day to day more easily. But the downside is that the ball randomly hits that button when you least expect it. For most people the ball never really goes away. It may hit less and less and you have more time recover between hits, unlike when the ball was still giant.”

    For me it’s been 15 months today and the ball is still really big some days, but some days it’s just there bouncing around hardly noticeable. When the pain is fresh, if the death is recent this concept can be hard to grasp, because everything hurts so much, you don’t know if it’s ever going to get better. But I hope for some people this can help, or at least give you hope that it never gets easier, but the ball does begin to hit less over time.

    4
    • David  September 8, 2020 at 1:24 pm Reply

      Thank you for this. I just lost my best friend of 20 years a week ago today to heart disease. She was only 35. I was going to ask her to marry me once she got home from her bypass surgery. The surgery was unsuccessful and they had to put her in a coma to see if the right side of her heart would recover enough to insert a pump that would act like the left side of her heart because it stopped working. 5 days into her coma and she didn’t improve and on that 5th day she passed away. It’s the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with. I have never lost anyone so close to me so it makes even even harder because I’ve never had to cope before and I don’t know how I’m going to get through this. It’s been really hard on me and like you mentioned, right now I feel like I will never recover from this. Everyday is a bad day and rely on my family to help comfort me because I have no other friends, it was just her, she was my everything. I know things will eventually get better, but never go away. Just right now, I don’t know how I’m ever going to recover because everyday I feel like I can’t live without her in my world. She was my world, we did every single thing together from the time we woke up, we would be in constant contact until we could hang out. Now I feel so alone because she was in everything I did from day to day. I hope your box and ball theory is true and thank you for posting it because it helps me to see that there is light at the end of this dark tunnel.

      1
      • Jade  September 16, 2020 at 12:04 pm

        David, I’m so sorry for for you loss. It really does take time and the process is different for everyone. Just go with the grief and let yourself feel what you need to. I was so grateful for my family and friends as they too carried me, and continue to carry me through it. It will be hard, but it will get better. Although at this time it seems like it never will. Don’t let anyone tell you what you should be feeling, it’s different for everyone.

        Sending lots of well wishes

  7. Rollina Joint  August 31, 2020 at 9:27 pm Reply

    Karen passed yesterday. I am
    told around 4am. Aug 30 2020.
    Look we are like glue.
    In many ways a couple
    Someone that could remember
    my birthday
    Sounds simple
    Goes deeper thou
    Karen had a bone cancer
    the name of it does not matter
    Could be anything
    We knew her mortality
    as well as say my own
    She never had a bad thing
    to say
    Was a the most positive person
    I will ever know
    She would do things
    Like make a Christmas
    Go a buy a few things
    Maybe markdowns
    after Christmas
    Sure sounds funny
    But my mother
    Disabled from a stroke
    Just there for a visit
    After Christmas
    Not expecting this
    How do you
    Thank her
    I did
    She made mine
    I can not even
    Remember what we did
    on Christmas
    She puts flowers on my
    Dads grave
    Called me texted me visited
    me. Surprized me
    Showed up
    Loved me without exception
    Frustrated me
    God knows I frustrated her
    We talked, walked, laughed
    Together
    I mean she was my life
    Thing is
    We knew one another
    So well
    I feel in retrospect
    I took this for granted
    I might say I love you
    all the time
    I might have been plain stupid
    nasty.
    And I am a nice person
    I might take things
    Her for granted
    I am understating the
    sheer beauty of her soul
    I am
    Karen this wonderful
    person
    Struggled daily
    I knew this
    Sometimes I was there
    for her
    Not enough
    Really.
    I admit this
    Wishing I had
    We spend some time together
    Friday before last
    I took her to the hospital
    for some tests. A transfusion.
    Picked her up.
    Really and regretfully was
    fustrated filling a prescripton
    that day
    Thing is I put her underwear
    on her that day
    Wiped her feet
    Put her shoes on her feet
    Held her as she used the
    bathroom
    Made dinner
    Watched tv
    Slept
    Then drove her home
    Helped her into her home
    Kissed forehead
    And left said I love you
    Called next day
    Worked
    Called texted
    the following day
    worked
    Talked breifly
    On the phone
    Anyway
    Someone a aide
    took her to emergency
    that night
    I do not know why she
    did not call me
    Yeah I get tired closing
    my shop
    She would often be there
    eat with me as I cleaned
    up
    I treasured her company
    Anywhere
    From emergency was admited
    locally to the hospital.
    Transfered to a another
    Finally to hospis care in less
    of the week
    To weak to answer calls
    May have replied to all
    my texts. Twice. Too weak
    Who knows. I wish I knew
    Because this covd crap
    No real guidelines
    Arbitrary rules
    Stupid nonsense
    Non caring
    She my dear friend Karen
    Passed yesterday
    No real family loving
    here in Az
    I was not permited to visit
    Hold her hand
    Died by herself
    This perfect soul
    I can not forgive
    Myself
    I am in pieces
    A person religated to
    Hospis
    Died alone
    Why
    I will always love you
    Karen
    Forgive me

    3
    • Julie  September 2, 2020 at 6:26 pm Reply

      My beautiful friend died on Monday 31st August. I loved her so very much. She was terminal but it was sudden, took us by surprise. She’d had a rough couple of weeks but I’d had a txt chat with her on Sunday and she was feeling a bit stronger and was hoping to get to chemo this week. It’s heartbreaking, I’m so angry I feel like I can’t breathe.
      I’m so very sorry for your loss, for all our losses.

  8. D’Anna  August 25, 2020 at 1:53 am Reply

    My best friend Mindy died in a car accident a week ago. We are both 37 and only 2 weeks apart. I’ve known her since I was 4 years old. Her mom was my aunt and my mom was Mindy’s. I feel like this isn’t real. I’ve cried and screamed so loud and so much I barely have a voice to speak. She was my everything. My soul. She was the first person I saw the morning my dad told me my mom died, two weeks before Christmas when I was 7. She was like an angel just standing there. Her presence gave me such peace. No one understands. I love her on a level I didn’t know existed until she died. I scream in agony each time I realize this is really happening. She’s gone forever. Forever. My Mindy is dead.

    2
  9. Madeleine  August 9, 2020 at 5:56 pm Reply

    I suddenly and unexpectedly lost my dearest best girlfriend a month ago today. It’s difficult to read the shared experiences through tears and feel it’s comforting to know others understand the devastation of loosing a special friend. Beyond the extreme sadness and large void left (40 yr friendship both in 60s now) I hope to feel more of the gratitude for having been blessed with such a wonderful friendship. Bless us all💖

    3
  10. Lingeshram  July 27, 2020 at 12:55 pm Reply

    15 years relationship stopped forever in fee seconds. We both were talking in the car I applied break for the speed breaker car lost control it pulled left side I can hear only sounds but within few seconds he left me alone in this world. Yes he past away on the spot. he was just 30 year old having 3 year old daughter and his wife is pregnant too. July 4th morning around 12.30 2020. I can’t explain how close we were. Now friends, family are thinking he died because he came with me. I can’t able to share my feelings about his loss to anybody.

    We both met bike accident 8 years back January 25th night 10.30 2012. That time my left hand was broken, He got mild injuries. I went unconscious for 15 minutes but I felt I was dreaming in my dream I felt somebody is crying and disturbing my dream then I woke up. I realised my friend is crying thinking that I died. After that I realised my hand is broken. I am feeling now he cried for me 15 minutes. But now he make me cry life long.

    Miss you Saila…

  11. Sharon  July 19, 2020 at 5:17 pm Reply

    I lost my best friend on the 4th of July. We are in our mid 70’s, and it’s not so easy thinking about a new Best Friend at my age. In fact, I feel there will never be another.
    We were a perfect fit, and had known one another for many years before we realized we were the perfect compliment to one another. She was very measured and thought things through. I am impulsive and tend to take chances.
    I am struggling with the upcoming memorial. It will make her death final. I just keep waking up in the middle of the night and thinking it wasn’t supposed to be this way. My mind is so scattered.
    I feel right now that time may make it less raw, but no less painful. I will miss her compassion, love, laughter, serious side for the rest of my life. I thank God we were both Christian, because I know that I will see her again and in not the too distant future.
    I have other friends, but none that I will connect with like her.
    And if one more person tells me that it was fantastic she died in her sleep I think I will punch them in the nose. She would not approve, but smile just the same.

    2
  12. Hailey  July 17, 2020 at 1:59 am Reply

    My best friend died exactly 6 months ago today, on January 17, 2020. She was walking to school when she was hit by a car. She was only 16. That entire week is a blur for me. I can’t remember the events but I can remember the feeling. Because I have felt that feeling for 6 months now. It has not gotten easier. I don’t think it will. I don’t understand how the world has continued to spin or how i have somehow continued to live without her. I’m filled with regret because we were fighting when she died. I couldn’t get to the hospital to say goodbye to her either because the weather was so bad and the roads were covered in ice. When I spoke at her funeral, I couldn’t hold it together. I was bawling my eyes out as I read a letter to her. I will never understand why this happened. And I’m tired of hearing “itll get easier.” Because, let’s be honest, it won’t. It’s been 6 months and I still have to convince myself that I’m not gonna wake up in the morning to her knocking on my door with taco bell apologizing for being gone so long. I’m tired of leaving her texts and voicemails she’s never going to get. And that whole “it’s a part of gods plan” crap is stupid. How could this be a part of gods plan? If I want to visit my best friend I have to go to her memorial on the side of the road. I will never understand how or why this happened or how I’m supposed to Move on. And I’m currently crying while reading These comments because I suddenly don’t feel as alone. And I can’t tell if that’s a good thing or not. Because I hate the idea of anyone ever understanding what this feels like but at the same time it’s good to know I’m not alone.

    6
    • Z  July 19, 2020 at 10:06 pm Reply

      I’m so sorry, Hailey. I lost my best friend this June, on the 7th, and I feel the same way about the phrase “it gets easier.” She was only 20 and her birthday was in 2 weeks. There’s very little to say other than “it’s hard” and “we will miss them forever.” I’m sending you well wishes, though. <3

      2
    • A grieving best friend  July 25, 2020 at 5:57 am Reply

      Hailey and Z, thank you both for posting your comments. My best friend was 32 and died last Saturday, and it is the early morning of the next Saturday as I write this. Your comments really resonated with me especially about you guys fighting when your friend was killed. My Best friend and I just had sorted out some things a few weeks earlier but at the same time she was getting angry with Me for other stuff as I was with her. (maybe angry is not the right word, more like very irritable.) I ask myself, did she die knowing how much I loved her? Everyone tells me of course she did since we spoke all the time and had been super close in the time we had known each other, but a person dying while you are in a quarrel can be very very hard since you want them to be at peace.

      I also want to say I am glad someone else texts friends that have died too. We were huge daily (most days) FaceTimers and often texted lots too. I have been texting her like its just another day but all about My sadness and grieving, and I find it so comforting. It makes Me feel like she can get My texts even if she can’t respond. The comments the two of you have posted here I found really resonated with Me, and were helpful.

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  13. Chris  June 29, 2020 at 4:10 am Reply

    I am 28 and 5 years ago my best friend of 20 years died. I appreciate the comments about how the support system is slim, the fear of pushing other people away, and the overall death of your other half. There is something that hasnt really been mentioned, though. I find it harder as time passes, because when he first died, things were still the same in a lot of ways. Now that it has been a few years, I have new interests, worked on new projects, and have become a different person(Id argue a less loveable one.) I think about what he would think of these aspects of my life that he isnt a part of, and what he would be into if he was still here. Would he have gotten me into new things I wouldnt have anticipated otherwise? 5 years later and I speak to none of our “mutual” friends, I hate his family, and if I ever talk about him, Im feel like the dude talking about the dead guy again. Not sure what advice to give, but neither does anyone else. All I can say is that you people get it, and there truly is a comfort in that. Im sorry for your losses, and even if no one reads this, it was some what cathartic for me to write this.

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    • Z  July 19, 2020 at 10:21 pm Reply

      Chris, I read your post and I understand and I’m so sorry for your loss. My best friend passed away in June, and she was only 20. I think often about what you described—changing and what my friend would have changed into. I get upset most when I think about what she missed out on in life, and how all of my big events that would have included her will now have an empty space. You’re right—it’s so hard to find advice to give, because there really is none. It’s just finding your own way to cope. I’m getting a tattoo that my friend was planning to get, so I can honor her that way, and I think it will help. I hope that you can find more people to talk to about your friend and find support, because it’s awful to feel isolated from a lost loved one in that way, but I am also here if you want to talk. <3

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      • Lingeshram  July 27, 2020 at 12:53 pm

        15 years relationship stopped forever in fee seconds. We both were talking in the car I applied break for the speed breaker car lost control it pulled left side I can hear only sounds but within few seconds he left me alone in this world. Yes he past away on the spot. he was just 30 year old having 3 year old daughter and his wife is pregnant too. July 4th morning around 12.30 2020. I can’t explain how close we were. Now friends, family are thinking he died because he came with me and my driving style. I can’t able to share my feelings about his loss to anybody.

        We both met bike accident 8 years back January 25th night 10.30 2012. That time my left hand was broken, He got mild injuries. I went unconscious for 15 minutes but I felt I was dreaming in my dream I felt somebody is crying and disturbing my dream then I woke up. I realised my friend is crying thinking that I died. After that I realised my hand is broken. I am feeling now he cried for me 15 minutes. But now he make me cry life long.

        Miss you Saila…

  14. Holly M Young  June 27, 2020 at 2:44 pm Reply

    My best friend of 50 years has been diagnosed with lung cancer and her prognosis is not good. I don’t know what I will do without her in my life. She has been THE person I go to for everything – spouse problems, children getting on my nerves, work situations, etc. She has been the person who has lured me into doing things I normally wouldn’t do – with out her in my life my life would have been blah. I want to be there for her and her daughter and grandson. I want to do all I can, but I’m so unsure of how to word things. She is a strong person who has always taken care of herself and others. I don’t want to make her feel unstrong – if that makes sense.

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    • Michaela  August 13, 2020 at 6:32 pm Reply

      Hi Holly,

      I recently lost my best friend to cancer. She was diagnosed 2 years ago and put up a great fight. I relate to how you are feeling. The diagnosis was devastating and sent me into a tailspin of emotions. The next 2 years were filled with highs and lows (mostly highs) and I felt concerned at first at how to be and what attitude to have around my friend. I gave myself a good talking to and decided to just be myself and to support my friend with positivity and making happy memories as that’s what she wanted to do. It wasn’t always easy as there were times I just wanted to crumble but I took my lead mostly from my friend. She wanted to stay positive and make the most of her time rather than dwell on the negative – I did my best to support her in this.

      It’s important to be yourself and get as many happy times as you can. Also allow yourself time to breathe and process what is happening. In many ways the initial diagnosis was the biggest blow. Knowing that death is coming still doesn’t prepare you for the event itself. It still feels sudden and it’s a huge loss. However, life is brutal in that it continues, nothing stops so you get up and continue to live your life. My friend was a powerhouse of a person who always had my back. It’s hard when I want to call her or meet up, but it is possible to feel the pain and keep on living. My friend and our friendship will always remain even though she is not here in person. It takes time and there are days when I cannot get my head around it and days when I feel more accepting. It’s a crazy rollercoaster. Having good friends nearby helps for sure.

  15. Mark Chirhart  June 25, 2020 at 4:47 pm Reply

    I lost my very best friend on Monday, three days ago. I already suffer from periodic episodes of anxiety and fear, and he was the one who would help me, even during my fears with this Covid crisis. We hung out. Texted. Laughed. Drank beers. Watched ball games together. We were as tight as could be. And now he’s gone. To make matters worse, I’m the one who found him on Monday night in his home. I am a wreck. I don’t know how to get rid of the shaking, the anxiety, the fear of never being able to find another friend like him. My other friends have been great, but how long will they put up with my grief? I fear losing them, too. I fear that this anxiety is now my life, and this discomfort and pain and fear will be with me forever. I cannot deal with this if it lasts forever.

    • Cathy  July 16, 2020 at 5:08 am Reply

      It wont last forever. Hang in there. Your feelings are a testament to how much he meant to you. I understand your fear of never having another friend like him but remember before he became your best friend you didn’t know how good a friend he would become. So, don’t push it or rush it just spend time with the friends you have maybe make some new ones. Don’t try and replace him, people can’t be replaced, it also can’t be forced but with time you may find another friend that becomes your best friend. It’ll happen with time and without you realising it’s happening just like your friendship with him did. When you start feeling scared and anxious distract yourself by doing something you enjoy or by spending time with your friends and family. Grieve, yes, remember the good times with him, you don’t want to forget him but try not to focus on the fear.

    • Dee  July 30, 2020 at 10:51 am Reply

      I just found out my best friend died in her sleep last night. She was only 34 years old. She was like an older sister to me. I don’t know what to do and it doesn’t feel real or right.

  16. Jessica Figueroa  June 24, 2020 at 6:35 am Reply

    I lost my best friend. My soul mate about 3 weeks ago. It all seems like a blur. Mornings are so hard. I can’t believe she is gone. And I will never be able to see her or speak to her again. Thank you for this article. As it’s true. Her family has no idea. Now I’m feeling. We have been close for the last 20 yrs. We just brought a house together. She was never married and don’t have children. She was like a mother to my daughter. My daughter is 4 yrs old. And when she looks downstairs at her window and saids I miss you. Please wake up. Or mom are you sure she’s not coming back. Maybe she will. My heart breaks into even smaller pieces. And the pain consumes my entire being. I try my best to be strong for her. And tell her it’s ok to be sad. Then she saids. No mom. I’m happy. You make me happy. And she would want me to be happy. I cry and laugh. Because I know she would want to see me happy too. There are moments. Where I don’t feel the emptiness. There are moments where my entire being trembles with pain and fear. Of having to love my life without my best friend. My person. My soul mate. My world. I don’t know how to do this. I don’t have a choice. There’s nothing I can do to change this. I am grieving. I will forever love and miss my friend.

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  17. karen weiss  June 23, 2020 at 8:15 pm Reply

    Holy Moly — A for Google on this one. I searched “My best friend died and I’m angry at the world” and up popped this site. Who knew??
    My best and most beloved friend M died by suicide over Memorial Day Weekend. Somehow, the world has continued to spin and life, as others knew it, goes on. Other friends — dear friends, smart friends, emotionally evolved friends — reached out. They told me how sorry they were, and offered to help in any way they could. And then they disappeared. The next time they called or texted, they didn’t mention anything about my friend or ask how I was doing. They just chatted away about this and that, and I just chatted right back at that. All the while feeling sad and angry and resentful inside. But not knowing what to do about it.

    I understand now why there was a time when people in mourning would dress in black. I want to wear black. I want people to see me and realize that I am in mourning. I am broken hearted. See me. See my broken heart. Be with me and help me hold my sadness, even for a little while.

    I don’t know how to tell people what I need. I’m angry that I even have to. I worry that they don’t want to give it. I want to push all my friends away and say “forget it!” I want to pull them close and say “help.”

    I am so glad to have found this site . And so very very sorry for all of your losses. A best friend is one of the most precious things in the whole wide world.

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    • Z  July 19, 2020 at 10:33 pm Reply

      Karen, I’m so sorry for your loss. I have had the exact same thoughts about wearing black—it’s been absolutely awful listening to people complain about banal things or even just chatting at me sometimes, and I just want to scream “my friend died, I can’t muster a single atom of me to care that you can’t find the remote!” I will be sad one day and a family member will have the gall to ask what’s wrong as if it hasn’t been only a month since she passed, as if the cause isn’t obvious, so I will have to say it every time. It’s so frustrating. But there are people (unfortunately) who understand, and I agree that that’s some comfort, though I wish none of us were going through this and that none of our friends had passed. I am thinking of you. <3

  18. Nita  June 23, 2020 at 5:44 pm Reply

    I lost my best friend 2 days ago. He was my person, my soulmate. We met when were 8 years old and we’re now 35. Over the years thoughout life’s changes, our communication fluctuated but our connection did not. We had a love that transcended beyond any romatic or familial relationships. He was always there. ALWAYS. At the drop of dime no questions asked. He was my happy place and got me through all the hard stuff. He was funny and gave the best advice. I feel lost without him and the pain is utterly unbearable. Especially because this is the type of situation that would send me running to him. We had so many plans, he had so much left to do. The worst part of my day is waking up and being crushed all over again by the realization that my friend is gone forever. I feel like I’m living a nightmare. I don’t know that I can survive this without him.

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  19. Alexis  June 23, 2020 at 1:33 am Reply

    I lost my best friend about 3 weeks ago. We met almost a year ago on June 27th, 2019 and before I met her, I would question how someone could be “best friends” with someone else in such a short amount of time but it was our relationship that finally taught me that time doesn’t define a bond, especially one like ours. I feel like we were more than best friends. She was my soul mate, my family, my motivation, my everything. She was something to me that I can’t fully describe in words. Losing her feels like I lost a large piece of my soul and now I am feeling quite lost in this world.

  20. Jade  June 2, 2020 at 5:02 pm Reply

    I lost one of my best friends a may 2019. We’d known each other a very long time but it wasn’t until later we became close. Separately we both had different lives, friendship groups, but we were always there for each other and we spent a lot of time together. She was my person, always there to go out with, to meet up with, if I needed someone she was always there, vice versa. I have a very clear memory of one night getting a text from her because she’d got in a fight with her mum and driving in the rain to pick her up. We sat for hours that evening with a takeaway and a movie on just ranting about life and we ended up falling asleep at like three in the morning. That was just one occasion. Then 4 months before she died we fell out, it didn’t really end sourly but we didn’t speak for a long time. I missed her friendship even though I wouldn’t admit all the time. There were other friends but no one had the same personality as her. I was going through some tough times at home at this point so really didn’t have the emotional capacity to fix the friendship on top of everything else. It was about ten days before she passed when we spoke again, she’d texted me and we were planning to meet up, to talk about everything over a coffee, to put things back to normal. When I found out about her death I was heartbroken, we were never going to be able to have that conversation, I felt guilty, I’d spent so long wondering what if I’d have just made up with her sooner, if we’d have talked it out after the initial argument, could thing have been different? Would she still be here? It hurt so bad all the time, I’d lost family that year but it felt nothing like losing her. It was a different pain, to lose someone suddenly at such a young age. A year later and I still miss her like crazy, every song seems to remind me of her and I’ll have pictures popping up all over the place bringing back the memories and emotion. I’d always feel bad like I shouldn’t be hurting because there’s people who were closer to her or her family who have to learn life with out her. Only now a year on have I really started to tell myself it’s okay to cry and it’s okay to miss her. At the end of the day your connection to someone and the love you have is a personal thing that two people share. What ever happened in the end she was still one of the closest people to me, in a particularly difficult time of my life, and I’ll miss her like mad every day.

    • Marion D. Percy  June 3, 2020 at 1:09 am Reply

      Jade, please be gentle with yourself. We can’t determine our circumstances. Love is love.

      My bff died three years ago. I can’t believe I’ve gotten along this long without her. She was my satelite.
      Just when I was beginning to feel comfortable without her, not feeling guilty when I didn’t feel sad, not beating myself up when I found something funny & laughed, not wondering why I hadn’t thought of her, and felt confident in my life without her and the coronavirus came bringing all kinds of other stresses. It’s taken me weeks to adapt that to how we live now with masks, social distancing and all.
      I bought a different plant for my garden this year. A lily similar to what she grew but yellow instead of orange. What do you think I felt when it bloomed orange like the ones she grew?
      We’re all in this together.
      Be well.

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  21. Kara  May 27, 2020 at 12:04 am Reply

    It has one week since my friend passed away. She was my person. I have never been as close to anyone as I was with her. She was the only person that I really shared my true self with. I come from a very abusive family so I cut all ties with them. Jen was my family. I love her more than my birth family and I am devastated that she is gone. I feel grateful to have had the opportunity to say good bye to her and to tell her how I love her but the pain that I am feeling feels impossible to move through. I have a great husband and two wonderful children but there is a hole that feels like it will never be filled again. I find myself getting so angry that I want to scream. I check my texts every morning to see if she text me and maybe this was all a bad dream. It feels like I’m going crazy. I catch myself going to call her and then realize that I can’t. I want to be strong and carry on in her honor but at the same time, I want to collapse within the pain. I have been through so much in my life but this I feel is something that I can’t get through.

  22. Amanda Lindley  March 22, 2020 at 5:53 pm Reply

    My aunt died about 4 years ago. She was my everything. My confidant, me best friend. She made me feel safe and not like a loser. I didn’t have many friends growing up. She had vibrant energy and was so funny. I miss her so much and I try not to think about her too much because the pain and anger was so overwhelming. She was 49 years old and needed a new heart, liver, and kidney. I would have given her an organ but i couldn’t have given her my heart (I wouldn’t have been able to see her ). I miss her so much and everyday is hard. Life is hard and she made life less hard. It hurts so much when you cry and you are trying not to make a sound because you don’t want anyone to hear. I ever got a tattoo of her. I loved her with every fiber of my being, I am angry she had to die but she was in so much pain and I visited her in ICU. I don’t even remember the last time i saw her before that when she was awake and feeling better. It’s scary because i don’t want her to be forgotten or to feel like she was never here. I love her so much . I have so much love to give and it just sucks. This virus sucks and it makes you appreciate your health so much more. She made me appreciate my health. She died way to young for such a big heart and a big caring person. I can’t let her go.

  23. Emily  March 20, 2020 at 7:54 pm Reply

    I lost my best friend August 2, 2016. He was 14 and i was only 11. I’ve knew him my whole life, he was my brother. I didn’t have the best life growing up, but he always made sure i was smiling no matter what. He had autism, but he loved the water. One summer i watched him almost drown, and the next summer he did. He was never afraid of the water because he didn’t know how dangerous it really was. I found out August 3, 2016 at midnight that he was lost in the Mississippi River, he was with my biological mother and she was off doing drugs. He got lost around 7:50 on the 2nd, she just didn’t want to tell my dad. I couldn’t sleep or eat, and i blamed her and i still do. His body was found on the 4th. It was all over the news and where i lived everyone new almost everyone, and that was so hard. The hardest part is not exactly knowing what happened because my mother made so many stories about that night.

  24. Vanessa M Feliz  March 16, 2020 at 9:37 am Reply

    i just lost my best friend this weekend. she was only fifteen and it was at my birthday party. im still in a state of shock, waiting to wake up from this terrible dream

  25. Kylene  March 11, 2020 at 6:36 am Reply

    I lost my best friend in November 23, 2019. She passed away in her sleep with sleep apnea and alcoholism mixed in her body system to shut down. She is only 33 years old, know her for about 28 years. I miss her very much and everyday, I had dream about her being missing to keep search for her to get her back and I woke up I was brawls out of my eyes because I want her to come back to alive, My depression and greifs is getting worse but I know she doesn’t want me to be suffers with depression. I have to keep focus on myself to needs get out of my depression to do somethings on my own things and be happy. It’s is so hard to be happy because I’ve dream about her for pretty often of times. I want talks to her and to hugs her so badly. I’ve hosting a special event for the memorial sky lanterns on her birthday, June 6. It’s will be very special to honor for her on our friends and family’s heart.

    Cassie,
    I’m truely miss you very much and I’m hope I will meet you again in heaven. I love you with all my heart, love your BFF ~Kylene~

  26. Laura Nowak  March 4, 2020 at 7:44 am Reply

    I lost my best friend of 34 years to cancer on February 11, 2020. She was only diagnosed with cancer in January of 2018. She was the woman that could do anything. She was a lighting designer for some of the top theaters in the country, then shifted gears and worked for the government, and in her free time volunteered for The Center For Missing and Exploited Children. She ran marathons, she climbed Mt Ranier, she studied Aikido in Japan. She was the biggest prankster, she could make you laugh until you cried, she would help anyone with their problems, despite her truly being a genius, she NEVER looked down on ANYONE! She would have turned 52 on February 29th. Although she would have said she was turning 13 because she was a leap year baby. I can’t imagine not having her in my life anymore. It’s so hard to stop the urge to call her or text her. I HATE CANCER!!!

    • Linda L  March 8, 2020 at 11:15 pm Reply

      I want to share a couple of lines from a book by Laura Berg (After You) that capture how I feel about losing my best friend. It’s been nearly 4 years. I miss her every day. “When someone mattered like that, you didn’t lose her at death. You lost her as you kept living.” So many experiences have gone by in those years and she was not part of them and she should have been. The other line is this:
      “ The history of who I am — the accumulation of a million memories from a 40 year friendship, the knowledge that at least one person in the world could see me, that at least one person would always know me —has been washed empty.” Only someone who has lost a best friend will understand the depth of sadness in these words.
      We always thought there would be more time. She cannot be replaced.
      For all here who are grieving, I’m so sorry . I get it. A time comes when you’re no longer a sloppy mess on a daily basis, but the missing doesn’t go away and don’t believe anyone who tells you you’ll get “over” it. And why should you? Having your friend for the time you did was worth it all. These relationships are gifts. I am sad but grateful. I wish you peace.

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      • A grieving best friend  July 25, 2020 at 6:17 am

        Thanks Linda. That second Berg line about “being washed away” really touched Me deeply. I made all these plans with My best friend for the future about travel and visits that we were both looking forward to. The feeling that all these wonderful adventures we were going to have together are now never going to happen really makes Me so so so sad.

        I found your post helpful. Thanks.

  27. AR  March 2, 2020 at 2:59 pm Reply

    I lost my best friend in a car accident in 2018. I miss her every single day and nobody seems to understand how much it hurts. It seems like her other friends have overcome her death, which makes me feel even more lonely and uncomfortable with my own pain.. I can have good days, but even when I am happy or when I am supposed to be happy, I feel a part of me is missing. It`s like nothing will ever be the same and I know it won`t. I feel desesperate because the only person who could really understand how I feel is my best friend, who is no longer here. So, sometimes, I find myself trying to justify my grief to other people, as If I didn`t have the right to suffer as much as her family… People often make me feel guilty for suffering, they want to fix a deadline for my pain, as if it were that simple..

  28. Judith Maloney  January 29, 2020 at 2:23 pm Reply

    I have just lost one of my oldest & dearest friends. We met back in 8th grade. We lost contact for many years after high school but had reconnected on FB and it was like no time had passed. I could count on her for anything. Heidi was only 49 and passed in her sleep. We had plans the day before she passed to have dinner and exchange gifts from Christmas. Unfortunately she wasn’t feeling well and slept the day away. I found out on FB of her passing and I was completely devastated. I still am. I don’t think I will ever get over this loss! Heidi is one of many friends I have lost. Anytime I consider someone a best friend they die. I think I am destined to be alone. At least when it comes to having close friends. I am trying to be positive as I am having surgery in a couple weeks. Hoping I get past this.

    • Nancy Dunbar  February 26, 2020 at 9:28 pm Reply

      nkd213@hotmail.com Judith, I am so sorry for your loss. I just lost my dearest friend on Feb 20th. The grief is overwhelming. I wake up at night with tears streaming down my face. I know it will get better. I am determined to remember my friend by sharing her amazing spirit with others in my life. I owe that to her for all of the unforgettable joy she brought to me over the years.

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  29. Cristian  January 21, 2020 at 8:56 pm Reply

    Dear all,

    I didn’t read your stories, I’m pretty sad at this moment,so i don’t have enough power to to it.
    My little story starts in 1995 when I met my girlfriend Maria for 1 year at that time. We broke up soon after but in a strange way we became friends and I married my now separated wife , who is actually the cousin of Maria.
    I loved her all these years , but in the admiring mode, and think she cared also for me.
    I told her I married the wrong person , her cousin, who I never really loved 100%, however we have a beautiful daughter together.
    Through the following 25 years we continued to speak through phone and and met several times all three of us or separately , went out, raised some glasses and had some good time at the end of our youth, eventually , we are now in the mid fourties.
    Maria told me one year ago that she is serious ill with her lungs, and these january 2020 she died after a terrible fight with with cancer.
    I will contact her mother in a few weeks to express my great sorrow.

    RIP Dear Maria, my dearest friend.

  30. Kiran Kumar  January 17, 2020 at 5:02 am Reply

    Glad to see this site, it’s helpful for everyone who lost amazing friends and to know we aren’t alone in this difficult phase.

    My friend was just 38 and passed few days before because of cancer. We had known for 2 years on online only since we stayed in far countries. We wanted to meet but couldn’t. Eventhough we didn’t meet physically, he was my big brother and a great friend. We talked almost everyday of everything. We were there for each other in good and bad moments of life.
    Just few days before he said he had never been so happy in life and grateful to God. He visited Church on sunday with his family and friends and talked to pastor and said he was at peace and next day he slipped to coma and passed away. Can’t express the feeling of losing him suddenly and it hurts like anything else I have experienced before.I know it hurts even more for his beloved family and friends.
    But he was in more physical pain and he fought very hard for long time and inspired everyone around him. I am proud of you Renato – my friend, my brother and will cherish you until my last day here and we will meet again soon.
    Life will never be same but I will stay strong and I am grateful to God to have known him.
    Hope God gives strength for everyone in these tough times. Take care all.

  31. Jade  December 28, 2019 at 4:39 pm Reply

    My best friend george died in November 2019 a week before thanksgiving break from a drug overdose. I found out through our mutual friend from high school and was lucky that my boyfriend was there. We had just talked two days before his passing about me coming home after graduating from college. We met freshman year of high school and were best friends ever since. He had just gotten engaged to his boyfriend a week or two before he died and passed with his fiancé and parents by his side at the hospital. Being home is incredibly rough, especially since he’s not here and my boyfriend lives a couple hours from me on the other side of the state. The worst part of losing someone is all of the things they’ll miss out on. We talked about raising kids together, going on family vacations, being in each others weddings (he was a wedding planner and actually went dress shopping with me for my birthday for fun), and growing old in nursing homes together. He turns 22 in January and being an only child and so successful it hurts to know he’s gone. His parents left all of his social media and phone number and I want to call it everyday just to update him but out of respect for their grieving process I don’t feel comfortable reminding them that he’s gone. It’s definitely a process trying to live everyday without him. Most days are good and distract me but then there are times when it hurts too much to breathe. But reading all of these comments really helped to show that I’m not alone in this and I thank each and everyone of you for sharing your stories and my heart goes out to everyone whose lost their best friend.

  32. Nicholas  December 21, 2019 at 7:24 pm Reply

    I lost my best friend Jeremy, of almost 5 years this past November 30 2019. Of course he wasn’t just a friend but an older brother to me. In fact he was the sibling that I never had. When we first met it was more like an acquaintance, but within a year we started getting to know each other more and I helped him through a rough breakup. We started getting to know each other and talking about politics, religion, sports, work, everyday life. They say your best friend is someone who finishes your sentence, and that was what we had. He helped me through alot of personal problems I had at work, and honestly I’m not sure I would have made it without him. His loss is so bitter for me take because he was only 41. I experienced other losses in life, but nothing has affected me more than this. It makes you question your mortality. What’s even harder is the speed and viciousness of life, all of 5 to 7 months ago we were talking about every day life, and trips we were planning. Then in November I get his text that his health is deteriorating, and he was hospitalized. Prior to this we would all talk about aches and pains of life, but this time it was different. He said he wasn’t getting better, and just working to get better. In spite of the bad news he was still thinking about getting better and recovering. I got to tell him what a great pal he always been, and we’d talk all about it after the holidays. Then silence. I found out about his death due to heart disease on social media, then confirmed his obit. When I got the text that unknown address, I felt like falling down. How could life be this cruel seemingly so fast and with young people?Of course we will always cherish the memories of those close to us, but American society doesn’t honor friendships the way they do other relationships. We are told to move on pretty quickly, people dont even know what to say when it comes to friendships the way they do with other relationships. His last texts will always haunt me, but I am glad I at least got to talk to him near the end. Others did not, as he was very private with people other than his family. I still wait for his texts or phone calls about current events etc. I know that day he died he took a piece of me with him.

  33. Maria  December 21, 2019 at 2:04 am Reply

    On November 26, 2019 at 12:05am I lost my close friend Alison in a car crash. Nothing could had prepared me for this considering she was the last person I envisioned losing. We met in AP human geography in 2017. It was her freshman year and my senior year. One way or another we had become very close, and even after I graduated I took college classes with her and our friendship grew from there. I could not even name the number of adventures we went on, from movie dates to the excessive amount of sushi dinners. Our personalities worked well together even though she was a artsy, bubbly type person while I’m more of a not so aesthetic, disorganized person. We both shared the same values of wanting to be positive influences to others. She was the friend I could go to if I was feeling down in the sense I knew if I was around her I inevitably will cease to be upset. Somehow life continues to go one without her.
    I read through some of the comments and saw so many touching stories about grief of a close friend, and feel a sense of comfort in that others may be experiencing similar situations, especially during the holidays. I came to this article after watching dozens of tedtalks and ultimately finding nothing that made me feel at ease. It’s difficult finding time to deal with grief, I’m a full time university student along with having a job. I broke down the other day when I saw someone who looked remotely like Alison, and all I could do is worry about that happening again when I did not have a car to go cry in. Soon it will be a month since her death, and I’m still haunted by the phone call my sister made to me at 10:46am that day Alison not only got in a car crash, but was also dead.
    Although my friends have told me I’m being strong by going out and continuing to live my life, I still have my occasional bad day of wanting to lock myself in my room with my cat and cry until my eyes eventually flow out of my eye sockets. I think I’ve come to realize that everything will be okay, and that the beauty of life continues to exist through laughter and love of others I encounter everyday. Also that even though Alison is gone, the memories and spirit are still with each and everyone she touched.
    I’m sorry for each and everyone of your loses, and am glad I found this article because I know now I have to be proactive in my own health and well-being so I can continue living a full life💛.

    1
    • Joanna Brown  February 18, 2020 at 12:28 am Reply

      Maria,

      I am SO very sorry! I lost my best friend of 10 years November 22nd in a horrific automobile accident..
      She was 2 days away from turning 29….her brand new husband was bring her home to indiana from their place in Florida, for the holidays she was to see me that week while she was here…. I was the last person she messaged on her phone…. 40mintues before the wreck. 😭
      I’m so lost with out her…. She was closer to me then my 5 sisters.
      Forever in my ❤
      Jacinda LuRhe Stetler
      November 24, 1990 – Nov 22nd 2019

  34. Robert Bailey  December 14, 2019 at 1:21 am Reply

    On December 2, 2019 at 8:30am I went to check on my best friend Tony. I have known him for 41 years and lived next door the last 10. I found him kneeling over his laundry basket, I thought he was puking in it from the Tequila last night. It was a tall basket and it looked like he could have slept like that. I poked him on the back, calling his name, he didn’t move. I reached my hand down to shake his shoulder and the back of my hand brushed his cheek. the coldness of his body hit me like a lightening bolt. I knew he was dead but refused to let myself believe it. I had preformed CPR once before while working as a Police Officer years ago, so i went into automatic mode. Tony was half my weight, we had been referred to as “The Skipper and Gilligan” many times, so it was easy for me to pull him over the basket and on the floor. I was afraid he would hit his head and remember thinking it was odd that I didn’t hear it hitting the floor. I quickly realized that it didn’t because rigor mortis had started to set He looked like he was sitting at a table with his head facing down, so on his back, his head didn’t touch the floor. I did CPR as best I could with him in this awkward position. I stopped when I couldn’t see through my tears and realizing that I was screaming at him, calling him a bonehead and other choice foul words. I was angry that I just lost my Gilligan.

    • Marjorie Tiner  December 30, 2019 at 11:08 am Reply

      When we incorporate someone into our lives the way that you did Gilligan, it is just awful. I can’t imagine what these past few weeks have been like for you. Adaptability is one of those things that humans can be good at. It will be hard, but I know that you will adapt.

  35. Cec_ad  December 12, 2019 at 8:16 pm Reply

    I lost my childhood friend on the 28th November 2019 after he died in his sleep earlier that morning .We’d been in school together. Played in each other’s houses and all sorts. Then I moved out of the country and we lost touch for some years until I found him again on Facebook in 2011. By that time we were both 16 and he had just lost his mum. Our friendship and bond grew stronger and even though over the years work and studies made it difficult to keep up, he’d always try and stay in contact with me , check in on me , motivate me when I had a challenge. He’d always ask when I was coming to visit . Little did he know that I was planning on surprising him in December and would tell him once I had my visa which I was applying for that very day. I was excited the night before and desperate to call him or text him but not wanting to spoil the surprise or disturb him as he’d let me know he’d be offline a few days to focus on studies that same week. The news tore me . I was only weeks away from seeing him. From surprising him and reuniting with him after all those years. I’m just thankful that even though our friendship was largely online , he didn’t care for distance or boarders . Once I was his friend , I’d always be his friend.

  36. Daniel Alonzo Matos Chavez  December 9, 2019 at 2:15 pm Reply

    A great friend of mine passed yesterday on December 9th 2019. I don’t know what was the cause of death but what i found out was that he died in his sleep and his mother and father found out and called the school and his close friends. I will miss very much and all i can remember is him smiling whenever I did something stupid, I saw him smile when he was with his girlfriend. I just remember him being one of the happiest people when he talked about his girlfriend, if something great happened to his family or him. Now it is just not one of those times and myself, his family, and so many others will miss him. Rest in peace Guadalupe Fernandez. Fly high man, you won’t be forgotten for all the amazing times everyone had with you.

  37. Rachel  December 9, 2019 at 10:47 am Reply

    I just lost my best friend 5 days ago. It came out of no where. She passed away in her sleep from an asthma attack. She has a 7 month old baby girl. I can’t even explain the emptiness I feel. She was my person. And now I feel so alone. I have other friends and an amazing boyfriend but she was the one I called when something in my life was going wrong. And I was the person she called. It was a special friendship. When we first met we actually hated each other but within a week we were best friends and have been inseparable since. My heart breaks for her daughter. Although I know I’ll be able to tell her stories of her mother, it won’t be the same. She will never get to see how truly amazing her mother was. Sabrina had the biggest heart. She was always trying to make the lives of everyone around her better. For those of us who knew and loved her she was our light. I will say my family has been the least supportive which hurts the most. They can’t understand and have made comments that she was only a friend. It breaks my heart. She wasn’t just a friend. She was my sister. And I loved her very dearly.

  38. K  December 9, 2019 at 4:33 am Reply

    Lost my best friend in a tragic accident this summer. She had just turned 27. There are no words to express the heartbreak. Kinda feels like our friendship was too good to be true. Prayers to all of you reading this

  39. Lezli  November 29, 2019 at 3:48 am Reply

    My best friend took her life on on Tuesday.. she was only 24 and the closest person to me. I loved her the most in this world. We were quite literally two peas in a pod from the moment we met. The pain inst like anything I’ve experienced and I don’t know how to carry it.. I miss her so much. I feel like the world is all wrong without her in it.

  40. Angie  November 24, 2019 at 12:21 am Reply

    I lost my best friend of 22 years a month ago. It was all so sudden, she had a heart attack, and she was only 47. I still grieve and I have no idea how to go through each passing day. Everywhere I look, there’s something that reminds me of her. We’ve been through thick and thin, good and bad days. We could talk about anything under the sun. Our problems were easier to handle because we supported each other. When she lost some of her loved ones, I was there for her and when I lost mine, she was there for me. We have talked about death and we’ve accepted that no one can live forever. But I did not expect that it would happen so soon. We have talked about getting old together, that our friendship will be as strong as ever.

    Now that she’s gone, it’s like there’s nothing I could hold on to, There’s not a day I don’t cry even if I try to keep myself busy. Sometimes I wish that I was just numb emotionally and not feel the pain. I try very hard to still sleep and eat normally because I know she wouldn’t want me to get sick, especially now that she’s no longer around.

    Most people around me don’t seem to understand the difficulty of moving on after the loss of a friend. They think it’s not as difficult as losing your parents. Thank you for the article. The comments are also especially helpful. I find it comforting in a way that there are others who went through/are going through the same thing. May we all find comfort and be able to go on with life even if our best friend is no longer there for us.

    “Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” — Alfred Lord Tennyson

  41. John Fortdham  November 9, 2019 at 4:11 pm Reply

    My best friend died on the 17th of August 1985. He was 19 and I helped his father and uncle bring his drowned body to the shore. I have never met anyone as important to me as he was. We knew each other for just 11 months. The first time I saw him, it was as though I already knew him. I grieved for five years and even now I have the occasional nightmare when the grief that dogged me for so long comes back to torment me. I have never allowed anyone get so close to me since, though I have several very good friends and am close to my sister. Time has been the only thing which has relieved the pain. Music and animals have also helped. Some people say they feel the presence of their dead loved ones – I never have, not once.

  42. Lottie  November 6, 2019 at 7:13 pm Reply

    I am so grateful to see this website and it’s heartbreaking to read so many stories and feelings that I can totally relate to. I lost a best friend 3.5 years ago to cancer, at the time there was very little on the internet to relate to how painful losing a best friend is, and how it’s not so understood in society. How good to read the tips given and for people to be able to share the monumentous grief we suffer. I find myself looking now, some delayed grief maybe, not sure, thought I’d cried enough rivers and talked it over enough at the time but no, it hit me with a brick out of the blue 3.5 years on! My friend was the sort of best friend never replicated, just as you all describe yours, until you experience that kind of friendship you don’t know, Sharon was as close to me or perhaps moreso than family. She was my age, only 43, otherwise healthy devastation and despair was my world for a long time. A new, different life emerged but I’ll never fully recover, it felt worse than losing my parents at the time. The double grief of losing someone younger, the grief of losing them full stop but the grief of what could or should have been is pretty unbearable. Thank you, this has helped immensely.

    • Helen  December 10, 2019 at 6:59 pm Reply

      Sending love to everyone in pain. Such a cruel thing to lose a friend. My best friend died in May 2016 and there’s not a day that goes by that I don’t think of her and the wonderful 20 years of friendship. She was 37 and died of secondary cancer and it was all So sudden in the end after she had initially got the all clear earlier that year.
      I set myself a cycling challenge (20 laps around Lake Geneva) after she died to raise money for a cancer Charity and to celebrate our 20 years of friendship. The physical exercise and support from friends who sponsored me and cycled with me helped my head to try and process to immense loss and shock.
      My outlook of life has drastically changed and I don’t see the point of people getting upset about minor things or stressing about work. My best friend dying has left a huge whole in my heart and mind. I put on a brave face but feel that part of my soul went up to heaven also on that day. Xxx

  43. Lilly  November 4, 2019 at 2:21 pm Reply

    I have lost two best friends on the last 2 months. One passed away last nite. The grief is painfully drowning me…

    • Megan  November 20, 2019 at 6:41 pm Reply

      I am so sorry. My best friend died last week and I can relate to the drowning feeling. I can hardly get out of bed.

  44. Stephanie Morris  October 29, 2019 at 1:54 pm Reply

    My best friend just passed last night after suffering from 3 strokes back to back after she fell and hit her head. She was only 42. She has dealt with so much physical pain throughout her life(seizures, blood clots in her lungs and had a leg amputated), but despite it all she still was able to push through the pain and keep me laughing. I have had many close friends throughout the years, but she has been my absolute best friend. I am so grateful that we were able to talk for hours the day before her health rapidly deteriorated. I am also going through so many emotions right now. I’m hurt, angry, and confused. I am constantly checking on her sons(22 and 18 years old) to make sure they are coping the best they can. I am not quick to cry but I have been bawling my eyes out off and on and I don’t know how I’m going to manage, especially since I’ve just started a new job and can’t take off work. She was the ONLY friend I could tell anything to and now she’s gone. I’ve been listening to our old voice messages on Facebook just to hear her crazy jokes and laughter. I’m gonna miss making her laugh but above all I’m going to miss her.

  45. angel  October 17, 2019 at 5:17 pm Reply

    my best friend died on October 12 2019.i was friends with him for 12 years.he died before he could even turn 14.i am only 14.he got shot in front of me and i was so scared.i told him it should have been me and not him.his last words to me was that he loves me and i am his sister.i will miss him forever.i will not forget him.i love him with all my life.he is my number one best friend/brother.

  46. Chihuahua  October 5, 2019 at 1:54 am Reply

    okay so the thing is, she didn’t exactly die, but she left me. She was my teacher, but I loved her like a Best Friend. She was the type of teacher that was really strict at first, but after we warmed up, she was really nice, caring and funny. I know the article says that best friends are typically around the same age, but we were about ten years apart, but that didn’t stop me from thinking of her as my Best Friend. She opened up to me about her struggles and for the first time in like, forever, I felt that I could too. Then, one day, she said that she would soon stop teaching full-time as it was affecting her health, and I was like “if you aren’t up to it, its fine. your health comes first.” I knew there was a possibility she’d stop teaching me, but she must have known what I was thinking as she said that even if she stopped teaching full-time, she’d still teach me, and I was contented. Then just last week, I went to class and she was gone. She had resigned. I knew it was due to health implications but I felt so betrayed because she promised she wouldn’t give up on teaching us. Now, the new teacher is changing whatever she taught me and I feel that, no matter how good she may be, my best friend’s place in me will never be replaced by her.

    • AR  March 2, 2020 at 2:38 pm Reply

      My best friend died in a car accident in 2018… I am sorry you feel lonely, but I find really disrespectful when people want to compare death with the kind of stuff you described. The resignation of a teacher, even if she were you best friend, is definitely not the same. Your comparison only shows you have no idea of how much it hearts to lose someone forever.

      1
    • AR  March 2, 2020 at 3:01 pm Reply

      My best friend died in a car accident in 2018… I am sorry you feel lonely, but I find really disrespectful when people want to compare death with the kind of stuff you described. The resignation of a teacher, even if she were you best friend, is definitely not the same. Your comparison only shows you have no idea of how much it hurts to lose someone forever.

  47. Megan  September 25, 2019 at 7:39 pm Reply

    I lost my best friend to cancer 2 weeks ago and I can’t even put into words the pain and heartache I feel. When I think I’m doing okay (more like the shock state I’m in) it hits me, she’s gone and never coming back. Never going to reply to me, never going to go on holiday again, I’m never going to hear her voice or hear her laugh, she’s not going to be next to me on my future wedding day or be the Auntie to my future kids. She was my rock and I just feel like I’m falling to pieces. I know she wouldn’t want that and I pray she gives me the strength to make her proud. But sometimes I just can’t find it in me, I’m broken and I will never get over this, there’s just no way she was like my big sister. On top of it all I feel so alone, my other friends don’t understand, my family aren’t a great support. How is life this cruel? She was only 33 and just had a baby. I’ve never experienced loss of a loved one, but this is unbearable. I hope everyone else who has lost a best friend or loved one can find some peace, as this feels like a living nightmare.

    1
    • Mary  November 19, 2019 at 3:27 pm Reply

      Hi Megan, my best friend died last month. She was 37. I also have found it hard to find support from family. My other friends don’t seem to really get it and that just makes me miss her more. I hope you are feeling a little better. I just wanted to say I think I know what you are feeling.

  48. B. Mac  September 22, 2019 at 7:33 pm Reply

    I just lost my best friend in the entire world, I feel compelled to add that because I want this world to understand just how much I have lost. I don’t know what to do with myself, we shared everything, how will life ever go on without my Bud. My heart is so broken its beating in pieces. I stumble upon this website and this message board, here I am writing this. I’m sorry for those who are going through this, all of the pain and heartache, to the one who wrote this, thank you, thank you from the bottom of my broken heart, for understanding this loss to some degree and thank you for having a place I could once again type my feelings out one of the biggest things I will forever miss is my typing out letters and messages to my best friend, I don’t have that anymore, suddenly the world feels dark and black to me.

    • Emily  December 19, 2019 at 12:41 pm Reply

      im so sorry for ur lost.. i had a best friend and she was the best of best friends, no one could beat her but on the 20th (the last day of school) she gave me a call.. i was watching a movie at the movies so i didnt awnser and i put my phone on silent so i didnt pay attention on what she said, when the movie ended i check on what she said ill never forget ´´i cant anymore i just cant, my life is done and no one can do anything about it, i love u bestie but i dont think i can do this anymore my life is like a broken picture that will never get back togheter´´ ´hello call me im scared´ ´EMILY I CUT MY ARM RE´´ thats it she didnt finish the word cuss she only had timeto send it.. as soon as i saw that my heart drop down with my full on tears . they kept asking if i was okay and i would just say ´the movie was just sad heh´ but all i could see was black , my haule world crashed and i know it wasnt a prank since she would never joke around with soemthing serious like that.. and now i found out that my other friend we where not as close as me and chanelle but still close enough her name was isabelle but she got in a car crash, it jus broke me down like 3 in a row what next cuss im starting to give up.. i cut myself alot ever since but i tried stoping still am trying to stop. but its hard -Emily

  49. Janice M Levarity  September 12, 2019 at 9:42 pm Reply

    My best friend of 46 years died September 4th 2019. She was 49 years old and laid down on Wednesday afternoon to take a nap and never woke up. I am absolutely lost without her. I have been friends with her for so long that I don’t remember meeting her. We have been there for each other for every major event in each other’s lives. The births of each other’s children, the deaths of our parents, grandparents, friends. She was my rock, my sounding board, my voice of reason. I feel like I lost my spouse. Or part of my heart. I wasn’t expecting to not be part of our “couple” this soon in my life. I knew we wouldn’t live forever, but she wasn’t sick, and we spoke every single day. I tell people that my best friend died, they offer their condolences, and move on. I want to scream “I’ve had this woman in my life for 46 years!” Going to work is so hard because people aren’t grasping her significance. I don’t know what life will be like without her, right now it sucks!

    • Emily  September 16, 2019 at 6:22 am Reply

      I’m so sorry, Janice. I’m dealing with a 25 year loss. We always joked about the kind of little old ladies we’d be together. I have a huge void I will never be able to fill, just like you. A void where once there were daily chats and heart-to-hearts. A void that used to be filled with laughter and compassion and worry and support. It’s devastating, and I don’t know what to do, either.

    • Kim Teitelman  October 6, 2019 at 6:57 am Reply

      Hi Janice,
      I lost my best friend of 41 years on Aug. 4, 2019. Her name was Shari Rodmaker, and I talked to her almost everyday. I took care of her at the end of her year long fight with cancer. Like you I’m so sad, but no one understands. I try to keep busy, but still find myself crying over things that remind me of her. I’m a substitute teacher and the other day two high school girls told me they were best friends, which made me cry right in class. I just want to say I understand what you are going through, and I know our sadness will fade over time, and hopefully we will be left with happy memories that will make us smile more than cry. I would be happy to talk to you anytime, because like you, I just need another person who understands the loss of a lifetime friend that can’t ever be replaced. Here’s my email: teitelmankim@gmail.com. I’m from VA.

    • April Agler  October 25, 2019 at 8:32 am Reply

      I’m so sorry Janice. I know first hand what you’re going through. My best friend of 40 years died in a awful car accident in October, 2018. She had just turned 59. We met in our senior year of high school, she was my matron of honor in my wedding, and our kids were the same age. I lived in Ohio, and she in Michigan in the later years, but we visited a few times a year. We became first time grandma’s at the same time, and texted pictures and stories daily of our grand babies. When I got the news she was killed, I was in shock for a day or so. All I could say was “Not Lynda! I just can’t believe it! Not Lynda”. One of the hardest things was not being able to talk to her , and ask her what happened. I can just hear her response, and it would go something like “Oh gez April……crap! Well I went to the store real quick to pick something up, and it was a especially dark night….”. My friend died instantly at the scene, and her injuries were horrific. I was beyond devestated, and so heartbroken she died in such a violent way. The first 4 months, I think I cried every day. You couldn’t tell, and she looked the same at her funeral. But I’ll never forget the shock of seeing her and the disbelief of seeing her. I’ve lost many people in my life, including my parents whom I was very close. But this was different. I feel a part of me died with her. Whenever she and I were together, we were 17 again. In my eyes, she was the same teenage girl who I knew from 40 years ago. I loved her like a sister, and there will never be another Lynda in my life. I grieve for her, and the tragic way she left this world. She didn’t live long enough to she her 3 boys get married . We were supposed to grow old together, even though I’m married, we would send each other funny memes of old ladies who were friends and say “This is going to be us”.

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    • Emily  December 19, 2019 at 12:45 pm Reply

      a year ago I had a best friend chanelle, but she wasn’t a normal best friend she was my best friend like I cant explain how amazing she was to me cuss I would do anything to thank her! She was just so nice and she was the only one that really understand me the most.. so when it was two weeks the break that we had she arrived at are school, then we became friends but everyday I noticed that she would always be there for me no matter what would of happened at that time, I wish I would of talk to her more but anyway, we became closer and closer every day and one day that would be tomorrow she left.. I knew at that moment that the two weeks she stayed ment NOTHING!! She just wanted to have other friends, but the other day I found out that after she left MFB she went at that bouctouche school but after that two weeks she left again.. im just asking myself where is she, is she okay? Why does she only stay two weeks at a school then leave… she has many Facebook accounts and just made another one, also I don’t think she noticed that there so many people that love her or miss her, shes a lucky girl she has many friends and her dad is nice also her mother too but I only know her dad. If I could tell her one thing right now it would be that I miss her so so much and I know she hates me cuss she block me off all her snapchat story ´s also she made up an excuse that its just cuss she has no wifi, but then why did she not text back in past 5 months so what now what do I fucking do

    • Emily  December 19, 2019 at 1:00 pm Reply

      a year ago I had a best friend chanelle, but she wasn’t a normal best friend she was my best friend like I cant explain how amazing she was to me cuss I would do anything to thank her! She was just so nice and she was the only one that really understand me the most.. so when it was two weeks the break that we had she arrived at are school, then we became friends but everyday I noticed that she would always be there for me no matter what would of happened at that time, I wish I would of talk to her more but anyway, we became closer and closer every day and one day that would be tomorrow she left.. I knew at that moment that the two weeks she stayed ment NOTHING!! She just wanted to have other friends, but the other day I found out that after she left MFB she went at that bouctouche school but after that two weeks she left again.. im just asking myself where is she, is she okay? Why does she only stay two weeks at a school then leave… she has many Facebook accounts and just made another one, also I don’t think she noticed that there so many people that love her or miss her, shes a lucky girl she has many friends and her dad is nice also her mother too but I only know her dad. If I could tell her one thing right now it would be that I miss her so so much and I know she hates me cuss she block me off all her snapchat story ´s also she made up an excuse that its just cuss she has no wifi, but then why did she not text back in past 5 months so what now what do I fucking do orget about it cuss that wont happend, 3 in a row dosent just go away u know it will stay with u for the rest of ur days so forever in my heart and mind, its like a forever scar that will stay forever. -emily

  50. Lee  September 5, 2019 at 1:10 pm Reply

    My best friend died 6 months ago. The last time we spoke was 6 months and 1 day ago. We’ve talked every day since we were freshman in HS. 15 years of daily communication. 15 years of support, sisterly bickering, disagreements, laughs, inside jokes, adventures, memories, stories, unwavering loyalty, unconditional love, and 15 years of plans… lots and lots of plans. Plans for what our dream homes would be like, where we’d settle down. Plans for what our rings would look like when we got engaged and what our weddings would be like as each others MOH. Plans for vacations and must do’s and work goals and family goals and life goals. We’d already met our friendship goal – we’d been by eachothers sides for 15 years. 15 whole years of our 28 year lives. That always felt like a huge win for us – we hit the jackpot. She was the person that I never had to recap anything to; if i mentioned a name, she knew it… an ex, she knew him and what he did and probably yelled at him for it. How’d we get so lucky to meet our soulmates so young? Everything I did, she knew about it. I always had her.

    In January 2018 we went on a trip to Scandinavia because we always planned to and what were we even waiting for!? We spent 3 days snowmobiling in the Norwegian fjords where Norway meets Sweden meets Finland; a place where the sun doesn’t rise over the horizon for 6 months but the moon is brighter than any sun I have *ever* seen and the sky is decorated with the oh-so-magical Northern Lights. It was truly spectacular. Much to her distaste, I had never gone snowmobiling before, but she’s gone weekly in the winter with her family since she was 4 years old so I rode on hers. (She brought me all her old gear and I looked like a page from a 90s REI magazine while she looked like she was headed for a photoshoot lol.) I screamed in her ear the entiiiiire time we rode because, seriously, “WHAT KIND OF RACE ARE WE IN THAT WE NEED TO GO THIS FAST!?”

    She died in a snowmobiling accident just over a year later. I don’t really know WTF happened. She was on a well-known trail her dad made on the lake that went directly from a restaurant to their home – it was lit up and she’d been taking that trail for years. Even *I* know it well: she’d say “it’s the best you just turn right after the parking lot and take the trail straight; it’s like 5 minutes door to door.” But she never made the right. She kept on straight, hit a dock and flew 200+ feet. Her tracks never changed… she didn’t speed up or slow down or try to turn at the last minute or even swerve away from the ravine that was less than a foot from her skis – she just slowly, casually, went right into the dock. Her tox reports were clear of alcohol or any drugs that I didn’t know about. There was nothing in her system.

    We’d been chatting that night as usual – she was having dinner with her dad and ran into some friends, so she stayed behind for an hour and he skied home. I fell asleep before she sent her last message to me at 11:08 PM: “i think i’ve spent 16 birthdays with you lol” Her 29th birthday was in 2 days but she never made it.

    Since she’s left me, I got engaged, landed my dream job, moved into an amazing apartment with my now-fiance, and booked a wedding date/venue in Italy. I did all the things we talked about and planned to do together except she isn’t here. When I’m not completely broken, I am uncontrollably crying. When I’m not crying, I am in disbelief and utter shock. When I’m not in shock, I am fighting these strong urges to call her, text her, tell her all about my fiance and my ring and my venue and my new apartment and the dumb thing my fiance just did that broke our brand new lamp. Fighting the urge to tell her: my girl, I am getting all that I have ever dreamed of except you’re not here to share it with me.

    I feel like my life is going so fast. This has been an unbelievably transformative year for me and I just can’t believe I am doing it without her. I feel an overwhelming sense that something is missing. There is a noticeable absence and hole in my heart and not an hour goes by where I’m not thinking of her. I feel such deep sadness and despair at times that I have a difficult time concentrating on anything except how profoundly heartbroken I am.

    And then see ya’lls stories… 20 years, 30 years, 50!! years!! and all I can do is thank God I had her for 15 years. If you made it here, thanks for letting me get this out. I don’t feel better, but I know I will one day. Until then, I’ll miss her incessantly and continue to wish she were here.

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    • K  December 9, 2019 at 4:21 am Reply

      I am so sorry for your loss and appreciate you sharing. My best friend of 15 years was killed in a motorcycle accident a few months ago. We met the summer of 5th grade and she was in my wedding last year. I am 27. It’s terrible. I’m sorry your friend is not here with you to see all you’ve accomplished. Sure she’s so proud and would want you to be happy. You are in my prayers and not alone in this grief. Our hearts will never be the same but at least we got to experience 15 years of soul sisterhood

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  51. Alwi  September 3, 2019 at 4:06 pm Reply

    I just watched a closed series and one ep was about this guy who lost his best friend in college. It got me thinking about the best friends I’ve been so lucky to make over the years. A feeling of dread and fear crept in as a I realised I too will lose them some day. Or they will lose me. But this article comforted me in way, knowing I’m not the only person who will ever have to deal with something so painful and scary.
    Btw, a song about losing a best friend is Spring Day by BTS. It beautifully conveys the feelings of grief through the metaphor of winter and spring.

  52. Kara Davis  August 24, 2019 at 6:27 am Reply

    I’m losing my best friend Jayde of 30 plus years any day now. She has stage 4 ovarian cancer and is on hospice care. I’m lost. Jayde has been my ear my eyes my go to person. Having to help care for her and watching her die has been hard but I’ve loved every minute. I know I’ll be lost and I’ll never have a friend like her again but I promised her I’ll wouldn’t give up on life and I’d stop complaining. Lol inside joke. I’m so glad I stumbled upon this article for it helped me. There’s nothing like losing a best friend.

    • Lee  September 5, 2019 at 1:46 pm Reply

      Kara, I am so sorry. Just really, so so sorry. That is so hard and I applaud you for staying by her side. I know for sure she appreciated every minute. I hope that she hasn’t, but if she has passed, I pray that she did so peacefully and that you have found solace and peace somewhere. I hope you are holding up OK and your friend’s family is OK too. I just wanted you to know that I am thinking of you and wishing you and your best friend well until you meet again.

  53. Cathy  August 23, 2019 at 10:44 pm Reply

    I lost my best friend this past June. I miss her every moment of every day. I feel many of the same feelings all of you have expressed. She was my sister, my friend, my protector, the person who showed me unconditional love all the time, and always looking out for my best interests. We had so many fun times together, laughing and building memories that only we shared. I must navigate life without her now which seems impossible. I know that it is not because all of you are doing it, but I know it will never be easy to keep moving on without her. Her life has been enfolded into mine which can never be undone. I am fortunate to have had such a friend because most people on this earth do not experience such intimate and involved relationships. I know she is in heaven which is the habitation of God’s love for His children. Whatever is ahead for me, I know I will see her and all those I love again. I must finish my travels here, and with the Lord’s strength I will. Thank you for letting me express my sorrow and my hope.

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  54. m  August 22, 2019 at 2:45 pm Reply

    I lost my best friend who was like no other on April 25th 2019 to a tragic car accident the night I was with her just minutes before! It sucks everyday. The most hurt I have ever felt. Emptiness and everything just sucks now. She always told me and my husband that she loved us more than anyone else. How much more close she felt to us out of anyone else when we were together and always told us ho much she loved us! This sucks….its always going to suck.

  55. Tyavia  August 16, 2019 at 6:05 am Reply

    I lost my best friend, Nautica, last month. She was only 21. She spent the night at my house and slept on the couch because my bed isn’t the most comfortable when my cat, her and I try to share it. I woke up in the morning to my mom telling me that my friend wasn’t waking up. My first response was that she’s just a heavy sleeper, because she had the loudest alarm and it never woke her up. I had to go downstairs to find her lying half way off the couch. I went up to her and felt her face, then her side. It was clear to me at that moment that there was nothing there. She had passed from a seizure in her sleep. It hasn’t been a month yet and I feel completely lost. Our friendship only lasted 3 years, but we created the deepest bond I’ve ever had. Her family is so sweet and acknowledges the relationship we had. I felt like I was treated as family during her going away ceremony. My family has a little memorial of her in our living room. I have her picture everywhere. She’s my phone wallpaper, she’s on my lanyard and I wear a necklace of a picture of her and I. I still don’t know where I go from here. It’s good to know that I’m not alone and the grief I’m going through is valid. Reading everyone else’s stories really touches my heart. Losing a best friend has no different feeling from losing a family member. It may even be harder.

  56. Lisa Mancuso  August 7, 2019 at 1:19 am Reply

    I hope this works the way I think it will. First, I think it’s very special that the post before mine lost her friend Michele (1 L). My best friend was also Michele. She passed January 6, 2018 from small cell carcinoma. It was quick. She was diagnosed at the end of May & gone 8 months later. We were friends since high school. 37 years. There wasn’t any thing I wouldn’t tell her & Visa versa. I don’t understand it. She had 2 children and the possibility of grandchildren. Why her? Why not me? I would switch places with her faster than you can blink.
    I live in Florida and she lives in our home state of Connecticut so we didn’t see each other much, but we definitely burned up the phone lines.
    It was mentioned earlier about music. Music is a little tough. She and I were die hard Led Zeppelin fans. Last month was the first time I put a Zeppelin CD in the car. There’s certain songs I can’t listen to. That’s crap, there’s a lot of songs I still can’t listen to.
    When I would call her she would pick up the phone and say “hey man”. We’ve said that since I’ve know her. I still hear her voice saying it all the time.
    There’s one great thing that came out of this. I chat with her mum all the time. We don’t usually get sad, we’ll tell silly stories from high school.
    Well, that’s all for now since I don’t even know if this will go through. Here’s to hoping – Lisa

  57. Lisa Bratengeyer  August 6, 2019 at 5:19 am Reply

    I lost my best friend Felix 3 days ago because of a car accident. I got to know him through my boyfriend, who is also his bestfriend. Even though I only knew him since two years, i still felt we were connecting somehow. He was legit my soulmate. On August 4th, my boyfriend called me as I was driving and asked me if I heard something from him, because he noticed that Felix hasn‘t been available almost a day and there was an article in local newspapers about a car crash in Felix‘ hometown. The crashed car actually looked like his as it was a very old and rare car without airbag. I didn’t believe him until the parents of Felix confirmed his death. He was so young and aspiring. He was such a good friend and human and so many people are influenced by his sudden death. It will take a long time until all of us really get that he‘s dead because he was just torn out of life without any warning. I will never forget him

    • Kris J  August 6, 2019 at 10:24 pm Reply

      I lost my best friend and partner of 21 years on May 10, 2019. Lauri was 65 years old and was diagnosed with glioblastoma in September 2018. She died of cardiac arrest on May 10. We worked together since 1998 as teachers and became very close friends. We helped each other throughout this time and became partners too. There were many obstacles to our living together, but I always loved her. Lauri retired in 2014 and decided to be with her family 3000 miles away. This was heartbreaking for both of us but it is what she felt she must do. She always said she would come back to me but steps were just not taken. I visited her many times and continued to hope we would be together some day. She gave me the news of the diagnosis in September. She had a seizure and they found the tumor in her brain, giving her 9-16 months. She lived 8 months. I wanted to see her but she didn’t want people feeling sorry for her. I understand that but I never saw her again. The last time we saw each other was 2016, but we spoke on the phone frequently. I have tried many times to reach out to her family throughout her illness and after her death. They would not return phone calls. Her family did not post an obituary claiming it was too much money. There was no grave marker or anywhere to visit her. There was no service for her. I let her family know I was posting an obituary in Lauri’s memory. Her own mother did not understand why I would do this. I explained to her that it was as if Lauri never existed. Lauri was alone out there with her own family. She had so many friends here in California that loved and appreciated her and would have taken care of her. I just feel devastated that she went through this basically alone out there. I think of her all the time and will always love her. Love you Lauri…

  58. Tamer Rousseau  July 23, 2019 at 7:40 am Reply

    Hello everyone,
    I’m so sorry, as I’ve read several heartbreaking stories in regards to losing your best friend. I lost my best friend, Simone March 18, 2019. Simone was more of a sister, literally I considered her a sister. When we were children, Simone’s mother passed away from cancer. I was in the hospital room, and so were my parents and Simone. We were like one happy family. After the passing of Simone’s mother, my parents took Simone in. Simone was the product of an affair, so she could not go live with her father. Fast forward to 2018, Simone became pregnant. We were all so excited, especially my mother because she was thrilled to become a grandmother. My mother planned her entire baby shower, and it was set to take place on March 2nd. March 1st she was admitted into the hospital, and was told she had to have the baby that night. Her platelets were only at 6,000 ( an average count is anywhere from 100,000-200,000) The doctor ordered some, and we had to wait for them to be delivered by the Red Cross. She had a beautiful baby girl named, Madison. Madison was premature but she wasn’t in a life-threatening situation. Simone, however was in ICU. We found out she had an extremely rare blood disease. She was transferred in the middle of the night to a different hospital that was about 2 hours away. She was receiving a treatment very similar to dialysis, and one day she went into cardiac arrest. She was out for 19 minutes. It came time to make a decision, and before anyone had to Simone passed on her own.

    The terrible part of this is Simone’s “boyfriend” has blocked my entire family, and Simone’s only blood relatives, an aunt and a cousin. We don’t have access to baby Madison. She lives 10 minutes away. I feel like that is a BIG piece of Simone that I could have. I am so unbelievably heartbroken, and have contemplated suicide. I feel as though I could literally die from a broken heart. I feel lost, angry, sad, crazy, and confused. We have been together for almost 30 years. She died at the age 33. 33 years old. I go to therapy, and it has helped but only temporarily. Everything seems to be temporary these days. I’ll have a good day, and then I’ll have 5 terrible days in a row. I cry every single day, multiple times a day. Sometimes in mid sentence while talking to someone. Simone was the closest person to me in my life. I don’t even remember life without her. I don’t look forward to anything, because I know she won’t be there. My birthday is coming up in August, and I’m dreading it. I don’t know a birthday without her. Thanksgiving, Christmas, and so on and so forth. I’ve heard it never gets better, but it gets easier. I just hope I see a light at the end of the tunnel. One day. 💔

  59. Christian  July 13, 2019 at 5:50 pm Reply

    My best friend was also my cousin. We became extremely close during one of the lowest points in my life. She saved me when I was so lost, and gave me a safe place to belong. We spent 3 years of craziness together. We were looking for a place to live as neither of us had a significant other or kids.

    She tragically died in a car accident right down the road from our family street at the age of 24. I don’t have 25 years of friendship, but this post hit a cord in me. She died 2 years ago, and I still feel it every single day. It still seems so impossible, and I find it almost suffocating when thinking about it.

    Felt that I should share that.

    Thank you for the article.

  60. LA from LI  July 11, 2019 at 10:03 am Reply

    I lost my Best Friend of 20 years suddenly and unexpectedly on March 25th. She was the Lucy to my Ethel, the Louise to my Thelma. We did everything together and finalized an august road trip on Sunday, and Monday morning she was found dead of an apparent hear attack.
    I am so angry with her!!!! It took months of nagging to get her to a cardiologist. She had become severely overweight with high cholesterol and high blood pressure. She talked about her weight loss and how great she was doing for three years and in that time managed to gain another 40 lbs. She would not listen to anyone and claimed she ate like a bird, and it must be her metabolism.
    She never followed through with anything, and I always cleaned up her messes. She had quite a bit of money from an accident settlement and for years, and up to two weeks before her death I urged her to go onto Legal Zoom and create a simple will. As usual, she’ll do it tomorrow. She’s been estranged from her Sisters for years because she treated her very badly. Her Nephew who lived with her and did everything for her was the beneficiary she wanted. She never did that simple will, and now the Sister she hated has walked off with everything, buried her in a quick over-nighter, and the Nephew has been asked to move out! “I told you so” really sucks when the person dies and you watch their worst fears happen.
    I am lost without her. I’ll never get over it but I’m told I’ll get used to it. I am resigning myself to the fact that she’s gone, and she lived her life on her own terms. If she wanted to lose weight and be healthy, she would have. If she really wanted her Nephew to be taken care of, she would have. In the end I was able to pull her out of all the messes she made but I couldn’t save her from herself. I am grateful to have had this close a Friendship. She was my Sister, a Soul Sister. Some people never get to experience this. I know God has something amazing in store for me. Day by day and more and more, I’m embracing the love and memories.
    I wish all of you Peace!

  61. Stephana  July 8, 2019 at 6:42 pm Reply

    One of my best (of my handful of )friends died without warning on June 23rd. Our birthdays were the same day though she was 7 years older. Though a friendly person-I don’t make friends easily….It takes a while. I’m 64 so I’m feeling a little empty right now.
    We met in New Orleans as neighbors …and had been friends for 22 years. though we lived 5 hours away from one another we kept in touch regularly, chatting on the phone or visiting a few times a year. I am numb inside because it was so immediate that I didn’t have a chance to communicate with her. She was planning a birthday visit to see me where I ‘ve lived for 11 years. She loved it here but just wished it were closer to New Orleans. New Orleanians LOVE their home…As someone who lived there for 11 years I can understand why. Last year she had a show of her work at our gallery and did well. We were both artists(she a photographer…me a painter/collagist) We also worked in mental health though I gave it up over 20 years ago…She was still seeing clients 3 days a week. She was such a force…Kind and strong, giving to so many..and beautiful..like a lioness.
    It is still hard for me to imagine life without her…We were both crazy cat ladies and took care of many who were abandoned.
    I hope her spirit appears before me ….I miss her voice,humor,nerdiness and comfort.

    • Amber  July 10, 2019 at 10:57 pm Reply

      I am here reading this article because I have experienced great loss recently but as I got to the bottom of this article I started to read the comments and yours was the first to appear. The best friend that passed also did so unexpectedly and also on June 23rd. I’ve been feeling so alone without her to call on but reading your comment somehow felt like a nudge as if to say “you’re not alone, there are others feeling just as you do and you will get through this” so I only felt it right that I should give you a big virtual hug and tell you that I don’t know if you’ll ever feel “full” again but that you are definitely not alone.

      • Lana  July 12, 2019 at 10:01 am

        I, too, am sitting here reading and while I hate you all are going through this horrible loss, I am grateful to not feel quite so alone. My best friend of 20+ years passed very suddenly Monday night/early Tuesday July 8. I’m sad, totally lost, angry with her. Angry because she was in bad health because of bad habits and she knew better. I’m angry that she left me. I’m angry that I can’t pick up the phone because the person who understood me best has up and died. She had just turned 55 July 1. She was (WAS?!) family to me. I don’t have siblings, I swear we were separated at birth. I feel as if she was “just a friend” people expect me to already be moving on. Even my own mother used the “you have your memories” line. Seriously?! I’m sorry, I am ranting. It’s just all so…fresh. I barely even recall what her husband said to me when he called with the news. I do remember my scream and my poor husband rushing to my side. Horrible, it’s just all so horrible.

      • Lana Shivers  July 12, 2019 at 10:21 am

        I, too, am sitting here reading and while I hate you all are going through this horrible loss, I am grateful to not feel quite so alone. My best friend of 20+ years passed very suddenly Monday night/early Tuesday July 8. I am totally lost, unbelievably sad and very angry. She was only 55, her bday was July 1. She was in bad health because of bad habits and I’m furious with her for leaving me. Who am I supposed to turn to when I feel like this when the person who “got me” up and died. I have no idea how to even breathe at this point. And it is true, because she was (WAS?!) “just a friend” I feel as if I’m supposed to already be moving on. Even my own mother used the “you have your memories “ line. I can’t think of one thing she didn’t know about me, and vice versa. I barely even remember what her husband said to me when he called to give me the worst news of my life thus far. I remember screaming and my poor husband rushing to my side. I keep expecting her to text me and I have checked my phone hundreds of times since I got the news. Sorry, I am ranting. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do next. But “getting over it” is not an option

  62. Jo  June 25, 2019 at 3:08 pm Reply

    I lost my best friend of 20 yrs suddenly last month. It still doesn’t seem real at moments. I want to text her or plan our next adventure together. I don’t know what to do with out her we had some many plan that we had not gotten to do. We always talked about how when we retire we would snowbirds and go south for the winter and travel to different islands. Our kids are the same age and we were always doing things together. It is hard going to things and her not being there and seeing others with their friends laughing and joking. We used to be able to give each other a look and know what we were thinking. I have no one to text or call when I want to vent or just tell someone about something. We had so many inside jokes and truly understood each other without judgement. I miss that so much.
    It is also hard as I lost a very important person in my life and everyone seems to not acknowledge what I lost. It seems people think she was just a friend, not my spouse or mom/dad. I shouldn’t be grieving or taking it so hard. My life is moving on because it has to but it is hard to enjoy things like I use to. I am constantly thinking of her, trying to help her husband and kids. As I feel its my duty to take care of them since she isn’t here anymore. I wonder why god takes good people from this earth at such a young age.

    • Candy Longe  July 5, 2019 at 3:00 am Reply

      I just lost my best friend june 13th 2019 right now the pain is so severe I can’t imagine what it’s like to be without her

    • Karen  July 11, 2019 at 10:11 pm Reply

      I lost my best friend of 30 years and I have been looking for online support but other than comments on this article I haven’t found anything. I have thought of starting one but don’t know hoe to begin. When Lisa was in her final months (she had cancer), it got close to her husband and kids, and now that she’s gone it feels like I should stay in touch, but also wrong. When we were together sharing the time with her we were all there to support her and ended supporting each other in the process. Now I feel like it’s not appropriate to spend time with them, because she was the missing link. It’s been almost 5 months but I can’t believe she’s gone forever. She was the only one who I talked to about so many things, the only one who “gets it”. My husband doesn’t really understand the kind of support I got from her, so different from what I get from him. During of the last good visits we had I told her that I can’t imagine life without her, and sadly it’s worse than I had briefly thought about.

    • Priscilla  September 22, 2020 at 11:45 am Reply

      My bf passed at 31 he was skinny most his life the last year of it he gained over a 100 PCs he died of a heart attack due to hypertension I am beyonddd heartbroken the pain is excruciating for me I get suicidal as well

      • IsabelleS  September 22, 2020 at 2:41 pm

        Hi Priscilla,

        Thank you for taking the time to comment. I can’t even begin to imagine the unbearable pain that you are experiencing right now. It is so normal to feel hopeless at first. I would recommend you check out this post: https://whatsyourgrief.com/grieving-death-spouse-significant/ If you are thinking of hurting yourself, or even if you just need someone to talk with, please call the national suicide helpline at 1-800-273-8255 or visit their website where you can do a live online chat https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ If you feel like you need more support, try looking for therapists trained in grief, which you can find here: https://grief.com/grief-counselor-directory/. I am so sorry for your loss.

  63. JoAnn Johnson  June 15, 2019 at 4:23 pm Reply

    I lost my friend of over 25 a week and 2 days ago and although there was a 30 year difference in our age we had so much fun respect and love for each. She helped me when my parents died and was right there when my husband died. We got to travel together a lot and had a annual Vegas trip for her birthday (10 years). She was a very lively 95 year old lady always on the go and could drive a car like a truck driver!. We talked to each other at lest 5 times a day so now when the phones ring I think it’s her. The one one time she went on a trip without me she got sick and died out of state. I wish I had gone with her now, the outcome would have been the same but we would have been together.
    My best friend blessed me with her friendship, so many things we shared basketball, arts and crafts, dim sum, new foods. music so much.
    Right now I can’t even think, I lost all my interest in doing anything.

  64. Jami  June 9, 2019 at 4:01 pm Reply

    My best friend from elementary school died. We didn’t see each other after high school, but through the years, we always sent birthday cards, anniversary cards and Christmas cards with letters and pictures to each other. This continued for 30 years. She died – and the way I found out was through my high school class notification. The only person who would have let me know in person was her – and she was the one who died. She was already buried. It just breaks my heart.
    She’s gone.

  65. Joy Smith  May 22, 2019 at 3:26 pm Reply

    Wow look at this huge string spanning 2 years. Crazy! My good friend and lover who I almost married past away. We were in a long distance relationship and were perpetual travelers, so we met up in a lot of exotic places. We didn’t meet up much at home but when we did, we didn’t stay very long chatting with each others’ friends. We just wanted to spend time together. So consequently, his family and friends don’t know me well. I feel as though I can’t talk to many if anyone about him. It’s crazy rough. We spent over four years of our lives sharing a soul, daily messages and phone calls. I feel as though I know everything about him. Anyway, still looking for someone to talk to besides him which I do often … into the wind. I’ll fly to the memorial in a month. I’m hoping I can connect with someone there. Brutal.

    • Nan  May 28, 2019 at 6:28 pm Reply

      I lost my best friend 2 years ago. We met in 1991 and have been buddies since then of course our friendship became stronger over the years. I am alone and no I have not found anyone to replace him. I am pretty isolated. It would be nice to find a good friend from deep conversation toss ideas around. I even have a companion buddy pass that I have no one to use it for. And it expires July 1st. Can you figure this out? LOL what a life.

  66. Dawn  May 17, 2019 at 2:47 am Reply

    I lost my best friend of 26 years suddenly the day after my youngest son’s birthday. Our friendship did not start off as a friendship. We were going to fight, because of ” he said, she said rumors”. Once we talked it out, we became inseparable.
    I was 12 years old and she was 11 . We took on many adventures together with each others support. Through the ups and downs we were by each others side. When I fell, she picked me up, gave me a hard time and then supported me to try again. I did the same for her. People use to say that you never saw one of us without the other around.
    We saw eachother through divorces, the births of our children, loss of people in our lives. There was nothing that we could not overcome when we supported eachother.
    It has been 3 and a half months since she passed. Each day is hard for me not to think about her, about our memories and adventures that we had together. I get sadden about the thought that we will not have this any more. Everyone keeps telling me that my grief will get easier over time and that I will be able to continue to move forward. If this is true, then I do not want to look forward to the day that I will ever be Ok without my best friend by my side.
    I avoid going on Facebook, because I get depressed with the memories that pop up or the memories that her boyfriend posts. I kbow that everyone deals with grief in their own way, but I find it very difficult to be on social media when he is posting so many feeds about how much he misses her. I know that she is gone and I would give anything to bring her back, but I can’t. I have yet to figure out how I will be able to cope with this loss. I just hope that I will be able to remember her and our memories together without crying my eyes out.
    She was not just my best friend, she was my family. I found a quote that really meant a lot to me.

    ” True friends are, difficult to find, harder to forget and impossible to forget”.

    • Jeannette Esparza  May 31, 2019 at 2:41 pm Reply

      I lost my best friend of 18 years March 16th of this year. And I feel everything you are saying , Dawn. I just don’t wanna “move on”. I don’t know how to live in a world where she’s not here with me. I keep going to text her, forgetting she’s gone. It’s just devastating.

    • emily  June 5, 2019 at 9:52 am Reply

      i had my best friend… i cant say hr name cus il cry.. but here is my grif.. so it was christmas eve and she said i have a suprise for u tmr..i was os exited cuss i had a suprise for her too untill..i get a email saying.. hi its the parent of.. and im so so sorry.. she died.. i threw my phone on the floor and started cryng i still a to this day.. i wonder if killing herself was chrismas gift… she was 14.. im 12 right now its been a kinda long time like 148 days.. it was her birthday yesterday.. of 15..

  67. Kevin P  May 11, 2019 at 1:24 am Reply

    I lost one of my closest friends 6 months ago unexpectedly. I remember him reaching out to me a few days before he passed on Snapchat ready to hangout when I got home from college for Christmas break. I wish I could have spoken to him one last time. We didn’t see each other as much as high school but it still pains me to this day that I can’t call him and talk to him about anything. RIP Buddy you aren’t missed by many.

    • Kevin P  May 11, 2019 at 1:25 am Reply

      Are missed by many*

  68. Khanyisile  April 23, 2019 at 8:13 am Reply

    I lost my best friend 3 weeks and 3 days counting now. For the life of me I cannot seem to stop crying,thinking and remenicing on all the good, bad, exciting, funny, sad and fun very fun moments we experienced together.
    He was my brother, sister, lover at first to the end and my truth. He is the one I’ve never had to pretend and lie to, he literally knew my secrets and thoughts (considering the fact that I am an introvert and very private person). I am now left with voicenotes and plenty of pictures to fill the void that is within me.

    I have only one question, how do I deal with this experience? I am having difficulties letting go (I am looking at his pic and crying my soul out because it hurts so much).

    Please help

  69. Khanyisile  April 23, 2019 at 7:17 am Reply

    I lost my best friend Bongani Boyza Biyase 3 weeks and 3 days counting now. For the life of me I cannot seem to stop crying,thinking and remenicing on all the good, bad, exciting, funny, sad and fun very fun moments we experienced together.
    He was my brother, sister, lover at first to the end and my truth. He is the one I’ve never had to pretend and lie to, he literally knew my secrets and thoughts (considering the fact that I am an introvert and very private person). I am now left with voicenotes and plenty of pictures to fill the void that is within me.

    I have only one question, how do I deal with this experience? I am having difficulties letting go (I am looking at his pic and crying my soul out because it hurts so much).

    Please help

  70. Alison  April 19, 2019 at 5:35 pm Reply

    My best friend died 3 years ago and I still can’t accept that she’s gone. We grew up together from the age of 10 and we knew each other for 36 years and I feel so lost without her. She was always my go to,my ally, they say time is a healer but I disagree, I think you just learn to deal with it a bit better. I hate that I don’t have any one that close to me anymore that I can talk to anything. It hurts my heart so much xxx

    • Denise Bell  May 2, 2019 at 5:50 pm Reply

      Alison, so sorry for your loss. I know exactly what you mean. My bff died unexpectedly 6 weeks ago. We were best friends since we were 12. We would have celebrated 50 years as bff’s this September. Susanne was my confidante, my go to person, always listening, never judging. I’ve told her things that I haven’t told anyone else. I’m lost without her. The shock was like being hit over the head with a two by four. I’m also struggling with anger towards her husband for not calling an ambulance. I have no answers, only pain. I fell apart when it happened but I very been numb since then. I know she’s gone but I’m not ready to accept it. So sad for both of us. Take care.

  71. I  April 19, 2019 at 8:59 am Reply

    My BEST friend of 50 years who I had known since 4th grade suddenly died in her home alone last month. She was 59 and had only turned 59 in October. We had talked in January and we had a good talk and she told me you know what Linda, you and I have known each other almost our whole lives and I said yes we have Karen…yes we have. And we giggled over it. It was all good! In February she emailed me saying she was freezing up there in Ohio due to the polar vortex and that she was hibernating. I laughed about it and replied. Did not hear back from her. March 19 I wrote to her. Nothing. Ok, starting to get worried and the day I was gonna call her I then all of a sudden had a response to my e-mail from her Monday, April 15, but it was not her, it was her brother telling me that Karen had passed away sometime the latter half of March alone in her home. I just could not believe what I was reading and started freaking out screaming NO NO NO NOT MY KAREN! I just could not believe what I was reading. I still cannot believe it. I know it happened, but I cannot believe it. She never married or had kids so she was found alone in her home with her kitty cat who survived. Seems her mail carrier noticed junk mail piling up and asked her neighbor if anyone had seen Karen. No. The neighbor tried to contact her via text. No reply. The neighbor went over and knocked. No reply. Police were called for a wellness check and her body was found on the floor of her bathroom and she had been dead at least two to three weeks…or more. Nobody is sure exactly when she died or why she died. She was planning to sell her home and move south to Tennessee where the family was from. She was making plans to go and was even having repairs on her home done so she could sell it. She was looking forward to the move. Sadly, she never got to do that. She was cremated and her book of life is now closed. Done. She is gone. I am still not able to wrap my head around it. I am gutted. Devastated. Not sure how I am gonna go on without her. I cannot think, or eat, or sleep and I cry all the time and have since I found out. I feel empty, lost, confused, and angry, upset, and I am even having that survivor guilt of why was it her and not me?! I do not know how to deal with this loss. Half of me feels dead now. My heart aches. I never lost a close good long time friend. EVER. I keep thinking this is a bad bad bad bad dream and it will end but it is not a bad dream. Oh, it is a bad dream yes, the worst one would want when losing their dear friend. It is a horrible dream. I just want her back. I just want my best friend back. I even called her number of all things coz I wanted to hear her voice again! I do not think I will ever get over this. I know I won’t. It is all so raw that it hurts to the bone. I loved her so much…my baby girl. My best friend. Life will never be the same for me again. Without Karen I am lost. I find no joy in life now. I was so blessed to have had my best friend in my life for 50 years….god I miss her so much.

  72. samantha  April 17, 2019 at 3:09 pm Reply

    couple years ago i lost my best friend , my safe heaven , my rock she was the most silly person ever she was like a sister to me my protector from everything that was happening at home she would always make sure i was straight she would make sure i had my homework done and always made sure i had that best grades in class, she was the best sister i prayed i could have…… one day she started to changed she wasn’t smiling anymore she wasn’t happy she always try to fake it but i knew something was wrong she would go days just been in bed she would only try to get up to help me with my homework that never changed she was a great person i remember knocking on her door after school, her mom said she hadn’t gotten up i opened that door to find her with blood on her wrist and a note that said i wasn’t good enough i wasn’t that same after that i became angry , at the whole world i don’t know i will never understand why she did it or what she meant by she wasn’t good enough , her birthday is coming up and i wish i could tell her how much she deserve to be here ….

  73. Z  April 15, 2019 at 12:10 am Reply

    I am 16 years old and I lost my best friend recently. When my parents broke the news to me I was devastated as this was my first real death I’ve had to deal with and it was not just a peer but my best friend. What helped me a lot and still helps me is mutual friends. I sometimes get in contact with her mutual friends and it makes me feel better as I have someone I can talk to who was as close as I was to her. Another process that helps me but may not help other people is a photo. For instance I have a picture of my friend on my nightstand and as my lock screen so I can think of her everyday. Also let’s never forget about talking and letting it out, talk to your parents, counselor, or other close friends they will be your biggest supporters during this time. Another important thing is though you may not want to try to keep your life normal, go out with friends have a good time it will help. I know what you are going through trust me and all I am gonna say along with what has helped me grieve is always remember the good things about your best friend, he or she would never want you to be sad over her. I know this is easier said than done but trust me even trying it helps. To anyone who is reading this and is grieving just know you are not alone, there are always plenty of other people that know exactly what you are going through. So deeply sorry for your loss.

  74. Jaydee Almond  March 18, 2019 at 11:44 am Reply

    My best friend died two years ago and I miss her every day. We started our mornings with a “how are you” text and saw each other often. I met her at work and we clicked as she was a Brit like me and had grownup just a few miles from me in England. She really understood where I was coming from and I her. She had been a widow for many years and had a wonderful support circle of friends. Her death was so unexpected. Of the two of us she was the healthier one. She was vegetarian. She was full of energy and life. Her death was a huge blow to me and I’m still hurting so much.
    She was always there for me and supported me through the deaths of my mother and my husband ( he passed 4 years ago) Without her to turn to life would have been intolerable. She was always ready with a hug and a glass of wine! We liked the same things, travellled together, went out together. Now at age 74, I stay home a lot. I don’t have another friend to fill the hole she left in my life and I’m finding it so hard to do things by myself. I was an only child And she became the sister I never had. She was a lovely lady and I was blessed to have her in my life for over 40 years.

    • Felicia  March 31, 2019 at 1:39 am Reply

      I’m really sorry to hear about your friend. Your story really touched my heart. I just wanted you to know that someone is thinking about you.

    • Michelle Jarrell  April 18, 2019 at 5:46 am Reply

      Jaydee,
      I just wanted you to know that your story has really touched me in a way that no other grief story has. This is the 1st “friends” grief post I have found but your story is quite similar to mine. My best friend died a few years ago and although we were both only about 40 we had been close best friends since we were 15/16 years old. She was the stronger of the 2 of us and the more stubborn by far but she gave up and committed suicide a few years ago. I have yet to even attempt to deal with my own grief of losing her. My daughter got close to her for a time and keeps her memory alive on a regular basis but as far as my grief I have put it on a back burner to help my kids deal with the loss of someone so dear to us due to suicide. I dont even know how you cope or deal with my own emotions or the psychology therein. It was hopeful to see that even though we have a little age difference our stories aren’t too different. I somehow doubt I will find a story quite like mine that’s any closer but I will keep looking and hopefully find a way to deal with the 3 year old loss. Sorry for your loss and good luck

  75. david acuff  March 9, 2019 at 10:01 pm Reply

    I lost my sister, Mary back in September and 4 days later lost my best friend , Carol who was bedridden with parkinsons and also a broken hip. I was devastated and still have tears in my eyes often. I was a caregiver for Carol the past 3 years and was with her for a total of 11 years. She made my life complete We went to school together and the pain of losing her took a toll on me as for the first 2 months after her passing I wanted to join her. I was with her at all dr, appts, surgeries, emergency room stays as well as nursing home stays not to mention sorting and arranging all her meds she was taking every day. Being a caregiver is not easy, but I would do it again if she was here. She meant the world to me. I made peace with her and had closure just before she went on to Heaven as I told her that I would never leave her and would do anything for her; afterwards she kissed my arm. The precious memories I have of her are indeed precious. I called her “sweetie”, and she loved it.

  76. Jenni  March 6, 2019 at 9:32 pm Reply

    It’s been 7 1/2 years, we were best friends for 10, and I still am not over losing him. Bobby was such a huge part of my life, starting in high school, and ending too early. Now, I face true adulthood without him, and always imagined him in it, with me. Simple things, like songs or movies, make me want to reach out to him, but he’s not there. I feel his loss like there is a hole in my chest, and if I focus on it too long, I’m lost. I don’t know what can assuage it, but time hasn’t worked, so far. I’m not sure what I’m looking for on this message board, but it feels good to at least say something, even after all this time. Losing your best friend is a little like a soul mate. He’ll never be replaced, no one could even come close. Love to everyone out there that has lost theirs. <3

  77. Joshua Leffler  March 6, 2019 at 6:30 am Reply

    I forgot to add it didn’t help that the whole time I was going through this my rental office was Harassing me. I had mutual acquaintances coming to visit to check up on me all the time. One of them has a friend that is a detective in the county that I live in. they told them that my rental company was trying to find a way to get me kicked out and arrested because they thought I was selling drugs. Because of the constant visits of people that was trying to show concern towards me. So, I had to push everyone away just so I wouldn’t have to deal with it. There actions led me to the state of mind that I’m in today because things might have been different if I still have people checking up on me. So, now I am just dreaming of the day I get away from it all. Wish me luck, and send prayers my way. PS, I am not a drug addict. I actually do not even drink. Oh well screw Colony Management.

  78. Joshua Leffler  March 6, 2019 at 6:10 am Reply

    So, in 2014 one of my best friends died in Feb and 3 months later my grandmother died and then 3 months later my great aunt died. Was a really bad year. Then Feb 2015 my other childhood best friend died. I didn’t make it to the funeral because I couldn’t stand going to another one. Then something snapped in me and I started to hangout with some people I barely new and it wasn’t a good environment. I felt I was in a better place, but I was just ignoring my grief. Then in 2016 my last childhood friend died. I then went back into a depressing state and looked around me, and was like what am I doing here. So, I left and started to try and keep my mind occupied because I didn’t know what else to do. I even tried starting a business with my friend. But, when it was time to renew the business license I was left out. So, I left he got into trouble with the employment commission, so it might of been for the best. Then in 2018 my elderly neighbor passed away. I was always helping him out in bad weather and bad health. He always told me he was a dj for a radio station, but I never believed him. But, he was. Then looking over the obituaries in 2018 I ran across my childhood best friend’s father he also died. He used to lecture us as kids to being better men and he also gave me a free Ford focus. Today, the realization of my best friends and my closest family members are gone is setting in. I wish I could give good advice on what to do, but I cannot. I am scared to meet new people because I am just afraid they will die. But, if you have loved ones hold on to them.

  79. sonia  February 28, 2019 at 7:48 pm Reply

    This morning I lost my best friends of 30 years. She was my soulmate friend. I know I will never find someone like her. She was diagnosed with cancer 4 years ago but told me that now she was ok and on the way to recovery. I’m devastated.

    • Toni Townsend  March 13, 2019 at 10:00 pm Reply

      Sonia, I lost my best friend soul mate to suicide this past Friday. When you said soul mate I know what pain you’re in. I’m so sorry for your lost.

  80. Sammy  February 24, 2019 at 10:55 pm Reply

    I lost my best friend a week ago, it still feels so unreal. She was only 44 and full of life! It was so unexpected, no warning signs whatsoever, she worked in hospital last Sunday her 12 hr shift just like she did for past 15 years, she went home and went to gym with her son, stopped by grocery store and even posted video on her Instagram only an hour before her son found her on bathroom floor. As soon as I got phone call from her son I rushed to her house just to see ambulance leaving so I grabbed her son and drove like a maniac to hospital, never did I thought that we would get news after 15 minutes of being in Er that doctors couldn’t save her and that she passed away from cardiac arrest. My heart shattered into million pieces, I screamed at doctors to bring my friend back, I screamed at her to come back, that it couldn’t be true because I just talked to her hours ago. We talked every day and now idk how to go on without her, I pick up my phone to text her so many times just to remember that she will never answer me back. Life goes on but pain in my chest is getting stronger with each passing moment without my best friend!

    • Lynn  March 2, 2019 at 10:59 am Reply

      Sammy, I cried when I read your post. I just lost my friend of 34 years 5 days ago and I feel like I’m living in a surreal zone. I identify with the agony expressed in this post and want to wish you well. May we find peace and life return to normal eventually for us both. God Bless, Lynn

    • Chris-Ann Stephens  April 11, 2019 at 3:32 pm Reply

      I lost my bestfriend last week Wednesday similarly. We spent Tuesday together at my house. Chatting and laughing. Got her a cab after 7 in the night. Her brother found her on the floor in her bedroom after 3 the Wednesday morning and they pronounced her dead after 4. She was only 23 years old, the pain I feel is unbearable, it’s like my heart has been stabbed a thousand times and placed right in the center of my chest. I don’t know how to cope and it feels like I am going crazy without her.

  81. Christopher  February 13, 2019 at 5:06 pm Reply

    Hello everyone,
    I read your posts and in feeling so devastated. I keep being told the same ol remember the Good times. Hold on to memories. My bestfriend and I have been in each others lives for 10 years. During this time I was deployed with him to Iraq and Afghanistan. Went through all that together. I was shot and almost died and went through my year in the hospital and rehab together. I had him to talk to and be there during my divorce and at times my life got extremely dark. Now this will throw a twist and I hope none of you get offended but, this friend. Was my service dog. You may say it’s not the same. But I assure you it is. He was my working dog we were together every minute of every day. He saved my life many times. He was the reason I made it through being shot and learning to walk again and then he was the reason I was able to reintegrate into society. My PTSD was very bad. No one could understand me and eventually I was to much for them. I lost a lot of people but not him. He was there through the nights I wanted to commit suicide. Was there when I was alone in a corner not knowing how I would get better alone in an empty house. I turned to the bottle for years, a bandaid. I moved away I only had him and over the last 4 years he helped me become myself again. But I can remember him being there every minute. Everytime I was afraid or when a PTSD/anxiety attack would come on he would warn me and be there I could hold him and they would stop. Nothing else worked. Not psych meds. Not therapy. Def not alcohol or drugs. My dog was my best friend. My healer. My family. My brother. My protector, and even though some say dogs dont understand words. This dog k e me so well it didnt matter the pitch of my voice, common words or sounds. He literally understood everything I said when people saw it they said you’re so bless I have never seen a human animal relationship like this before. It’s one of a kind. He was a guardian angel sent to me. I lost my dad on my birthday march 5th of last year (2018) and exactly one month before my birthday February 5th this year I lost him. I dont know what to do. I cant remember who I was before him it’s been so long and what feels like many different lives or phases. He was my only constant and he is gone now. I have his ashes and picture and service vest, and keep shakes on my dresser next to my bed. But I fear I cant get over this.. he was the best friend I have ever had. He was my last family left… More than a pet. I have had dear pets lost and that absolutely sucks. This however being my working and then service dog. I can explain the loss I’m feeling. In 2014 I lost the love of my life Ashlee to a car wreck. This dog was my last thing I had to hold onto. he made me whole. I dont know what to do without him. I’m afraid to go through life without him. That I wont ever have a friend human or otherwise who loves me like that ever again.. I’m devastated and my he as r is shattered. I’m supposed to be tough being a ex combat soldier. But this has by far crushed my soul.. I am numb, sad, alone, the only thing that helps me is finding others in pain and helping them.. because my soul I feel is beyond repair with the amount of loss I have had. He was the last but of what was important to I had left and he is gone. I am passed the suicidal phase of distress. I wont do that but I fear I may never know love or true friendship again.

    • Michelle  March 13, 2019 at 12:03 am Reply

      Hi Christopher,
      First off, thank you for your service to our country! It is hard to lose someone you spend every day with, whether it’s a person or an animal. You are allowed to grieve and feel loss for you best friend even if he was a dog, there is still a soul bond there. I’m sorry for your loss and I wish you all the best in life, you deserve it!
      I found this site because my best friend drank herself to death at 36 years old. She was such a funny, vibrant person as a teenager. But life got to be too much and the alcohol took over. She tried to quit but didn’t succeed until a month before her death and it was too late. I now have to face an unknown number of years without my partner in crime and I hate that thought! But I will try to live life for her.

    • Michelle Jarrell  April 18, 2019 at 6:58 am Reply

      Wow Christopher to say the least I am blown away because of the depth at which your post has reached with me. I doubted that i would find anyone that understood the loss I felt let alone that it would be an ex-service member and his “pet”. And i said it that way because I know exactly how dear and loved service animals or rehabilitation animals can become as I also deal with PTSD, anxiety, and depression. These animals become so much more endeared than just a regular family pet because they seem to understand us on such q deeper level, don’t they? Anyway my story 8s not so different from yours aside from a few tweaks. Cristel and I were cousins that should have been twins. We became best friends when we were 16 got married both to our prospective high school sweethearts, our 1 born children were 3 weeks apart, we both sacrificed our own careers for the sake of our kids and ultimately got a divorce later in life when it was too late to change our career paths after being stay at home moms and house wives most of our adulthood. We didn’t keep in constant contact there were some gaps of years we didn’t even talk but we always stayed as close as we were when we were kids. We were like 2 people cut from the exact same cloth. And then a few years ago the half of us that had always been stronger gave in to suicide after multiple serious attempts. My daughter had gotten really close to her due to a time when she and I were sort of trying to be there for each other and keeps her memory alive on a regular basis even though she has been gone for over 3 years and I have yet to face my own grief of her loss. I tell myself I can’t face it yet because my daughter still hasn’t healed but I wonder if she ever will truly heal from such a close to the heart suicide when she’s barely begun her 20s and Cris passed when she was in her mid-late teens. I know this doesn’t equate to your beloved service dog and the bond u had with him but Cris and I were there for each other through quite a bit of emotional and psychological shit with as well as the death of my dad and her half sister both of which hit us extremely hard. So the bond was there like the one u shared with your best friend. We had been best friends for over 25 years so the lasting memories and history was there as well. Funny how now that I dont have her to turn to as my rock I am struggling to be the rock everyone else needs. I dont even know how to face her death without her to help me.
      Michelle

  82. Carol  February 13, 2019 at 5:04 pm Reply

    I lost my best friend half year ago, to this day I´m not able to see him in photos without having a panic attack.
    He was the best friend I could have ask for . He was beaten in his childhood by his own father, he started to live with his grandparents from his mother side shortly after he lost her to Leukemia, despite all that he was the most caring and kind person you could imagine, he got top grades just to achieve a scholarship and help his grandparents financially and all this before even turning 15 y/o.
    We met by chance when I was loner, I was bullied, not even my family cared about me, but he did, he was my first friend, and my whole life changed thanks to him, he gave me the courage to open to people and make friends, and to stand up by myself.
    I met him when I as 12/yo and 12 year later I would lose him to the same disease his mother had. Praying until the very last second that he would wake up, but he never did. Months have passed and I can´t believe he isn’t here anymore, and I´m scared, scared of forgetting him, forgetting his smile, his voice, his face, sacred by the fact that I won´t be able to hug him anymore, and the worst part is that despite knowing he didn´t have much time left I was hoping for a miracle without accepting the truth, if I had accepted it back then I would have been able to thank him for everything.
    Now the void is still there, and it hurts just like when I received the cold call saying he wasn´t here anymore, and it will hurt probably forever BUT even if it hurts I´m glad I met him, I´m glad we were friends and for all our memories together, I can´t see his photos without broking into tears but I can still look up at the sky and pretend he is still there somehow, laughing at how weak I am without him, and wanting me to continue living my life. Losing a best friend is painful but I was blessed to have one.

  83. Gillian Pitt  February 6, 2019 at 9:17 pm Reply

    My friend died yesterday.
    I felt it was going to happen soon(as she had only been given several months to live following cancer diagnosis) , I was hopeful she would come home from hospital.
    We shared many things & I feel a deep loss.
    Though I am grieving I cannot bear to think how her spouse, children,parents & siblings are feeling.
    We spoke the truth to each other & discussed probabilities of death but its happened & it is still a shock.
    Losing a close friend when you know it is inevitable is shocking , sudden loss for unexplained reasons must be 100 fold worse.
    We shared a unique relationship, I am so glad we did. There are many wonderful memories which I will cherish as I move through this trying time.

  84. rolly  February 4, 2019 at 4:14 am Reply

    I lost my bestfriend just a few weeks ago. We are so close even we defer in age, we treat eahc other as a brother and a family I treat him as my younger brother, we go almost every night hangout at the bar, watch movies etc. when I have problems I can easily talk to him and open everything , same also him on me. We talk almost everything, we make plans where to go or what place to visit

  85. Denise  January 26, 2019 at 8:55 pm Reply

    I met my Bestie 56 years ago. We lived on the same street, went to the same schools, Elementary, Jr. High, and Hisg school and we were closer than siblings. She got me, I got her. We were each other’s support systems in everything. In the mid nineties she moved to Florida but we still spoke regularly. Around that time she was diagnosed with M.S. She was tough though, she was so determined. I visited her there and she came up before the M.S. got bad. When her fiancé passed away 2 years ago her cognitive abilities declined and I knew I was slowly losing her. She could still talk to me though and I’d call her regularly. Her brother called me Christmas Eve saying she was on the way to Hospice. She passed away from sepsis the day after Christmas (2018). I sobbed so hard I felt I was losing a part of myself. I felt as if my childhood was disappearing. I still want to pick up the phone and talk with her but I can’t. The finality of it all is so unbelievable. Nothing feels the same. Yes, it does make you think of your own mortality but moreso the empty space in my heart just aches and I miss her so much. I will never have another friend like her. It’s only been a month I know but it feels like I will never be the same without her.

    • AGH  January 29, 2019 at 9:29 am Reply

      I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s hard losing your best friend. It’s two years this week since I lost my best friend. It changes you, you will never be the same person again. I’ve found my new normal, but life without her will always be somewhat empty and not as much fun. I still talk to her though and I have pictures of her. And tons of beautiful memories.

  86. Denise  January 26, 2019 at 8:47 pm Reply

    I met my Bestie 56 years ago. We lived on the same street, went to the same schools, Elementary, Jr. High, and Hisg school and we were closer than siblings. She got me, I got her. We were each other’s support systems in everything. In the mid nineties she moved to Florida but we still spoke regularly. Around that time she was diagnosed with M.S. She was tough though, she was so determined. I visited her there and she came up before the M.S. got bad. When her fiancé passed away 2 years ago her cognitive abilities declined and I knew I was slowly losing her. She could still talk to me though and I’d call her regularly. Her brother called me Christmas Eve saying she was on the way to Hospice. She passed away from sepsis the day after Christmas (2018). I sobbed so hard I felt I was losing a part of myself. I felt as if my childhood was disappearing. I still want to pick up the phone and talk with her but I can’t. The finality of it all is so unbelievable. Nothing feels the same. Yes, it does make you think of your own mortality but moreso the empty space in my heart just aches and I miss her so much. I will never have another friend like her.

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  88. Jessi  January 21, 2019 at 3:02 am Reply

    I’m 41yo, my best friend had just turned 47yo in May 2018. She battled cancer in previous years, and managed to kick it in the rear. This go round was worse, and could not be fought. She died July 13, 2018 – the day after my 41st birthday. We met through the Welfare to Work program back in 2003. We had both fallen on hard times, had younger kids, and couldn’t find work. I was in a brand new city & state, and I literally knew no one (minus the friends who convinced me to move here & were friends of my ex, the kids’ bio dad.) She started up a conversation one afternoon during our program, and it was all downhill from there. She was kind, funny, loving, and had this infectious smile that never saw a single stranger. We stayed friends long after we each left the program. We had family dinners, went on camping trips with each other, birthdays, barbecues, 4am text message sessions to talk when we couldn’t sleep. We talked about everything from kids, to jobs, to spouses, to sex. There was no topic off limits between us. Her first grandbaby was born on my youngest daughters birthday. He is now 4, and she is now 16. We turned to each other for kid problems, sibling problems, parent problems, husband problems, and every problem in between. We talked, we confided, we were each others sounding boards and life coaches. Now she is gone, and I am finding that I am completely lost without her. I was devastated when she passed. Her funeral was one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with. There was a minute during her service when someone’s phone went off and the ringtone was the Twighlight Zone theme song. I’m sure people thought I was insensitive & completely nuts when I burst out laughing. But I literally heard her voice in my head, “well isn’t that a fitting song for this occasion!” It was like she made that phone go off at that exact moment on purpose! We had a lot of inside jokes and laughs. Flying burritos, falling key lime pie, bears in the woods, muddy slip n slides. Things that only she and I thought were funny, and often reminded each other of, in order to make the other smile or lighten the mood. The “funeral laugh” was like her last ditch effort to make me laugh. But here I am, 6mos later, and I am in a really dark place. I need my friend. I am so lost without her. I have no idea how to move forward without her. There are so many things I want go talk to her about, share with her, get advice for. But I’m stuck. My heart aches, and everything is falling apart without her. I almost don’t even want to be here without her. I have no idea how to get passed this.

    • Lynn  January 21, 2019 at 10:39 am Reply

      I just read your post and I had to reach out because I feel exactly the same way. The description of your friend is exactly what I would have written to describe my friend. My best friend passed away 1/19/19 at 11:30 p.m.. I feel so alone. She was my person. One soul in two bodies as the article said. Who will I share my secrets with? Complain about my husband to? Share the most amazing mother/grandma moments with? I have family but my best friend held me tight in confidence and support, whether she agreed sometimes or not. She talked me off the ledge many times without judgment. I love her so and I’m happy she is no longer in pain but I miss her terribly. Sending prayers.

    • Linda  January 23, 2019 at 11:18 pm Reply

      I too lost my best friend, my soulmate, my rock almost 3 months ago. My person in life. He made everything in my life better. We laughed beyond joy and talked to depths that I have never experienced with any other person. We were each other’s lives for 37 years. We dated very early on and realized that we lived too differently to make a go of it. But the true love, respect, adoration and bond that we had would never permit us to let go. It only got stronger and stronger over the years. We talked every day, sometimes twice a day. I moved back east, he lived in Denver. Nothing we would do in our lives ever happened without us talking about it first. We were always ok. We were pure soulmates. I was on a business trip to Denver the very end of October 2018 and I had seen him every evening that I was there. I called him the morning of Nov. 1 to firm up our dinner plans. Later that afternoon I got a call from his next door neighbor telling me my friend was getting on the phone. He was unable to dial it himself and ran to the neighbors house to tell him to call me. He didn’t sound right and I told him I would get there ASAP. He didn’t want to do anything until I got there. I raced over from downtown and he was ill. I called 911 and I followed the ambulance. He knew I was there but it wasn’t too much longer that he became out of it and slept. Some type of stroke. They expected him to awaken after a few days of rest and sleeping. He never really did. I can hardly write these words. I loved him and miss him more than there are words. This website is helpful as I know others truly understand my relationship and how deep the attachment and bond was. And always will be. It doesn’t take away the pain but it is something we all have in common.

    • AGH  January 29, 2019 at 9:42 am Reply

      I’m sorry for your loss, it hurts to lose that one best friend, who meant the world to you. I lost my friend two years ago. I was completely lost without her.

      My way forward included three things:
      1. Everything I wanted to say to her I wrote down in a book, well actually two.
      2. I found a good therapist, who helped guide me through the grief. I was able to move from all tears to remembering all the good times.
      3. Time. Time does heal. Take it one day at a time.

      There are times when I want to be where she is, so that we can be together. But she would want me to have a happy life, so I try to be happy and enjoy my other friendships. We will have plenty time to be together in the afterlife. Our time on earth is, in comparison, very short.

      1
  89. Matt  January 6, 2019 at 1:45 pm Reply

    There is nothing more comforting than a post directed exactly at people in your situation.
    I lost my best friend and soul mate about 6 months and haven’t really been able to come to peace or terms with it. I’m 26 now, she died a week before her 26th birthday, we met freshmen year of high school. She shared her lunch with me when I didn’t have money for it. I knew that day me and her would be friends but never imagined we would have such a deep connection as we grew up.

    We were both in theatre/musical theatre, her mom was our theatre teacher and together we became like I family. Her mom is like a mom to me, and they both have been driving forces of inspiration for me to pursue my love and passion which is performing and music.

    We aren’t very open about sharing our demons with people or even creating close friendships easily, but we both trusted and loved each other enough to share without fear and that unconditional love was never broken. We both have had depression, anxiety and possible BPD and have self medicated with drugs/alcohol. She got into a lot more than I did, but none the less that’s how we coped in our teens and early twenties.

    I eventually grew out of it a couple years ago and unfortunately she continued to decline her health and still function properly in law school and campaigning. She came to visit as we’ve been living in different places for a while now, and I was just shocked by how far gone she was. She couldn’t go an hour without drinking something and for the first time, she wasn’t able to “function” like I remember her doing. It scared me. I would tell her I couldn’t meet her at the same level anymore and she was okay with that, but never really stopped.

    We had some deep talks in that week, occasionally, some even about death. She mentioned how she cuts, which I never knew. She also got into some heroine while she was here with a friend and I remember asking, “thats not good or healthy long term, why do you do it?” And she said jokingly “I don’t really plan to live passed 35 so.. fuck getting old lol” we’d both had this same mindset before but I felt like I was in a different place now.

    She ended up taking some sleeping pills I need to stay on a schedule and took them all in one night. I said, nope after this, I have to cut her off. She has to know this isn’t okay and I cannot enable her to continue to slowly kill herself.. maybe by doing this she will finally listen and seek help, because I’ve been trying to help her actually for years now.

    We hadn’t talked in 6 months. I wanted to so badly tell her I missed her and I hoped she was doing okay. I’d hear a song I knew she would love and want to send her it because that was our thing, but I never did either. I almost did one day but refrained, I thought it’d be too soon. A few days later her mom sends me a text that, she knew we had some issues but wanted to let me know she passed. I was at work and my stomach completely sank into the floor. I calmly walked to the bathroom, opened up a stall, and bawled my eyes out. I could not believe the amount of pain I felt in my soul and still do. Her mom says she passed after some seizures that were related to her epilepsy. I haven’t asked if she induced it somehow.

    I still have yet to speak with her mom in person and I’m absolutely terrified of it. We’ve expressed that we love each other and have to talk but just aren’t ready yet. It’s a tragedy. There is no reason in my mind this incredible soul, talented, hilarious, genius almost could be taken so soon from people who loved and needed her. She has two little brothers 5 and 8. She had such potential to live a fulfilled life and will never get the opportunity to do so. The person I shared my darkest thoughts and highest dreams about life with, is no longer living. I’m terrified inside, but continue with my day to day life with a protective shield on.

    No one will probably read this entire comment, but it feels nice to contribute to something that’s been effecting me for a while in the hopes that maybe I or someone will benefit from it. God bless to everyone who has lost anyone, I’m not sure what to say on how to deal with it, I’m learning, but I can say I will do everything in my power to keep her memory alive through art and be the person she knew I could be. Maybe that’s all we can do. Much love from New Mexico, USA.

    • Sonya  January 7, 2019 at 3:40 pm Reply

      Hi Matt,

      I appreciate you sharing your pain. I, too, lost my best friend and soulmate. The craziest thing is, his name is Matt. He is my older brother and lifelong best friend. I lost him in May of 2017 when I was 21 and he was 23.
      I know what you mean about having someone to tell you dreams to, your secrets to, to complain with but also to joke with. What do you do when that’s gone? I would think of jokes I could tell him, but I couldn’t even laugh knowing he wasn’t here to share it. I know I will never meet a soul as deeply connected to mine as his, but I have also realized that as we age, we do grow out of our past ways that made us fit together so perfectly. I’m glad you had gotten clean on your own beforehand, and I am sorry for the circumstances surrounding her passing. I have not been able to stop what I used to do, and sometimes I use it to feel closer (i know its unhealthy). He would also say he never saw himself growing older. But now I’m like well fuck why do I have to do it now without you?

      I liked your last line and becoming who she knew you could be. I’m really excited to do the same for myself and turn things around.

      Sending love.

  90. April  January 2, 2019 at 12:34 pm Reply

    My best friend past away yesterday from a lung disease she have been fighting for years even though I knew she might pass & tried to prepare I’m still unprepared…however I do appreciate another close friend/sister sent me a link to this website I truly feel better knowing it’s people out there that took the time to create this website for ppl like us…whew no it won’t be another friend like her…but im grateful to have known her,travel,live, & laugh…Love you always Rosalyn Collier

  91. Steve Meadows  November 25, 2018 at 7:40 am Reply

    My friend of 38 years passed recently. He was the brother I never had, and had ridden along side with me on this crazy ride of life. 🙂

    I met him when I was 14 and pretty much talked to him every day. He never married himself, but had great advice for me when I went through 2 wives. He somehow managed to stay single, and never had kids. He was the only one that I could call at any hour and talk about anything, or nothing at all. We’d belly laugh pretty much everyday, and about the craziest things,

    He taught me how to drive stick-shift when I got my first car which we subsequently drove around for what seemed like a million miles in our teens. Double dates, road trips, traffic tickets, trips to the auto parts store (we were piss-poor at the time) to make repairs to this “chariot”.

    He was an avid football fan, and pretty much had the stats, names of players, teams, divisions, football trivia memorized like a human hard drive. I used to tell him that if he used his brain power for something other than that wasted information about sports, he’s be a millionaire :). I was was other extreme end of sports knowledge….I knew how the game was played, could name only a handful of teams, players etc. I remember busting his balls when his favorite team, the Redskins played. I would tell him that they will lose because the opposing team had “that new guy”….(there’e ALWAYS a new guy) which would spawn him to start naming players I never heard of. 🙂

    I pulled this on him more times than I could count, and often wondered why doesn’t he just just tell me I’m full of Sh** and stop engaging me on this subject, after all this went on for years (at least twice every football season). I just realized after his passing that he obviously enjoyed the banter between us as much as I did even though it was totally unproductive, rhetorical dialogue.

    When we were in our early 20’s, my friend got into some legal trouble and ended up going to prison for about a year or so for a property crime. I was working as a police dispatcher / 911 operator at the time, and remember being questioned about my friendship with my friend. I can remember telling my supervisor back then that “who I associate with is MY business, not theirs”. In hind site , and looking back as a 53 year old man, that response was probably not the best :). Luckily, they didn’t fire me, and I left that profession a few years later, but if that statement would have caused my termination, I would have been ok with it without any regrets.

    A few years ago, he developed diabetes, and high blood pressure which unfortunately went untreated for some time. He started taking meds for it but the disease was far along already. I would drive him to the eye specialist monthly so he could receive eye injections to treat his diabetic retnophay and keep him from going blind. He wasn’t in the best of health for sure.

    On a Saturday morning this past August he calls me and tells me he has food poisoning and he’ in the hospital. When I hung up the phone I had a weird feeling …..I cancelled my appointments last minute and drive to see him in the hospital. When I got there, he was in bed complaining that he can’t move his right arm so well, and he had a headache. We talked for about a half our or so, even joking about dying , I said “Don’t die on me blonde” quoting an old Clint Eastwood spaghetti wester, and we laughed :). He even rolled his eyes at me displaying his approval of the attractive nurses that would come and go as we spoke. 🙂 He was in good spirits.

    I stayed with him for several hours while he slept, and woke up periodically. He didn’t have a family of his own, and he wasn’t particularly close to his mother, or sister. I didn’t have their contact info, so I took his cellphone as he slept, and looked in his contact list. I made a call and left them that he was in the hospital and the location. I stayed with him for an hour or so more. When I was leaving I told him that I would be back later, and to just relax and take it easy.

    After I turned to leave my friend says “Steve” I turned back and he says” Thanks for coming to se me bro” I replied ” Of course man, you’re my friend, that’s what friends are for” “get some rest” 🙂

    That would be that last time I saw him conscious, that night he had a stroke and was in ICU for the next 9 days. His mom, and sister didn’t get a chance to see him before he had the stroke that put him in ICU. I’m glad I decided to go see him when I had that weird feeling. I’m thankful for that 🙂

    We used to discuss which one of us would go first. I would say I would, and he would say he would (i guess he was right) 🙁

    RIP Willy

  92. Barbara Christiansen  November 17, 2018 at 11:48 am Reply

    A song that Jesus is using to minister to me I thought might help others . I am not alone by Kari Jobbe

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  94. Thomas P. Timlin  November 2, 2018 at 12:38 pm Reply

    I have an older friend I just lost…brilliant music teacher and later music retail CEO with whom I played music in a big band and played bad golf together as well, although all we did was laugh about it. When I was down, unemployed, he was there to [icl me up off of th grond and help, like a big brother. Music helps heal you and does not have to be about death necessarily. My suggestion for your song list is Empty Chairs by Don McClean. Death is serious business for those left behind, should not be taken lightly, like a damned party, and I would be careful selecting appropriate music that will heal a person.. Refrain from angry rap filled with obcenities, heavy metal, auto-tuned pop, policital songs, or boring symphonies etc.. Think it through carefully. Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door may be a favorite tune, but absolutely stupid and insensitive to use at a funeral unless tha’s what the deceased requested, or even for yourself. even then others like relatives from out of town may not appreciate the selection and be alienated, and the deceased will not be there to explain or hear it. My friend and I were trumpet players but also both sang in front of the band. He used to sing My Way, and I have been asked and honored to sing that at the service in his place. He was 80. I am 62.

  95. Missing Myfriend  October 29, 2018 at 11:52 pm Reply

    I miss my best friend too. He died back on 7/28/2018 suddenly and unexpectedly for all of us. We were told it was a heart issue but there is tons of speculation. It’s hard watching those close to him struggle through it. Watching the house he established through all the hard work empty and sell and the daughter he lived for sad she misses her daddy just crushes my heart. What could we of done differently to perhaps extend the time? I am doing all I can to fill time but the thing I miss the most is just having someone to talk to. Not just anyone, but having someone that knows me almost as well as I know myself is what I miss. That is the part that’s the hardest for me. I have tried to look for it in others but there always seems to be a barrier that was just not there with my best bud. I’ll keep searching but when you are a 39 yr old man it’s kindof tricky to just walk up and ask, hey any chance you are looking for a new best friend? Mine just died and I’m looking for a new one…

    • Brenda  November 27, 2018 at 2:29 pm Reply

      I hear you, loud and clear. Your best friend is the person who “gets you” and it feels impossible to find that again. I also ask, how do you make another friend like that? I wish there was a way to “match” to find a new best friend – like the dating websites do.
      I lost Sandy three years ago to cancer and I feel like I’m getting worse. I’m also finding myself feeling more guilt for not doing “more” for her while she was dying. If I knew then… all that stuff. Eats me up.
      I did therapy for almost two years, and I’m doing all of the suggested items to cope. But the loss is just so BIG some days…

  96. Joseph  October 16, 2018 at 10:39 am Reply

    I miss my best friend every single day since he transition on 9/17/2017 . He was like a brother for the last 11 years , his passing is such a huge loss in my life. I think often , often of his last week in his place , the pain that cancer cause him.

    I miss him in the physical , what will never ever be again. The old normalcy is gone, now this new normalcy /reality. It makes me sad , a lot of times anger watching those cancer treatment center commercials , nothing could help him, save him.

    We just know our ending to our journey, how it will play out. No one ever thinks they will be bedridden , on they deathbed . Life has a way of changing on a dime.
    I thank God for our friendship, stick closer to you like a brother type of friend. My ride /die friend who was a good man who always thought , believe that he didn’t deserve that bad 2017. May he RIP , see him again in the future. Love you my friend.

  97. L  October 15, 2018 at 5:58 pm Reply

    I miss my best friend so much. He committed suicide just under a year ago. its hard. it comes in waves, sometimes im fine and sometimes im so broken.

  98. M_Gret  October 6, 2018 at 12:17 am Reply

    I met my friend almost 25 years ago. She died just over a week ago. We had met at one of those 20-something aspiring future leader workshops. Turns out neither of us had any such aspirations.. but there were other common interests and a shared humour we discovered over a bottle of red whilst hiding out in a far away dorm, doing our best to avoid the other A-Type participants. It went from there. We stayed in touch year to year, all the time following each other’s lives, loves and losses. We visited one another, traveled on occasion and could go 1-2 years without even speaking, but it was always easy, pickup where we left off. Usually 1-2 days filled with laughter and red wine as we brought each other up to speed on what life had been doing since last time. But then 3 years ago, I had a crisis in my family, and then with my health. And she was there, coaching me along. Then it was her turn, her marriage broke down, then she was diagnosed with cancer. We lived in different states, but for the past two years as she’d battled her losing fight – all the while going through a marriage breakdown – our talks become every other day. She talked to me about her dying, her fears and her joys. She had many, many other friends from her other walks of life, and she kept me separate to those. I’d attended her wedding (20 years ago) and saw her children a handful of times. Most times, when we got together, there was only the two of us. Occasionally I met her mum or her step Dad. And once or twice I met her Dad . She would introduce me to other visitors to her hospital room, characters I’d heard of in the cast list of her life…. Just as they’d heard of me…. But I wasn’t one of them; the ‘school mums’, uni friends, or professional associates.. And I always sensed they found my presence just a little curious… “so, how did you two meet..? was a common question…. But throughout it all, she was a constant… and as her cancer grew worse, often she would ring me, just to talk about anything other than the cancer. To vent about her mother, her friends or her kids.. Or others she felt were judging her choices in treatment, and general approach to succumbing to a terminal illness. And sometimes, she’d rage just at the very unfairness of it all.
    But now that she’s gone, the silence is deafening. And outside my husband and daughter (who met her a handful of times), I find I’m not close to anyone who knew her. Not part of any family or her other friendship groups where I might otherwise be able to share her memory.. Even her funeral will be thousands of km away. I’ve tried contacting her mum, but don’t want to pester a woman who’s just lost her child. And I’ve reached for the phone a couple of times thinking I could call my friend, just to ask ‘wtf is going on?’. But then it hits me..and I feel that terrible loneliness.

  99. Alyssa  September 25, 2018 at 8:22 am Reply

    His name was Mason. And I grew up with the guy. My first memory of him was when we first got an award for something together in kindergarten. We were in the same class in 4th grade and 5th grade, as well as the selective gifted program together for 3 years, as some of the same classes in 7th and 8th grade. While in 7th and 8th grade, he was very intelligent and had no qualms letting everyone know. He played the trombone in band, and was definitely acted like a band kid. And then I moved away. I didn’t see him again until I came back to visit almost two years later. I was lucky enough for him to come. It was then when my entire view on him changed. He’d matured, emotionally and mentally, and had become an amazing, happy person. I decided to keep in touch with him when I could. He ended up being an amazing friend, and we had great conversations together over the next year or so. We’d talk about a lot of things, such as getting older and growing up (or not wanting to), being seniors in high school. being choir nerds, and whatever else. We were even imagining fake plans to search for the Fountain of Youth so we wouldn’t have to grow up. I talked to him about whenever I visited my old town where he lived, whether it be for family trips or our middle school principal’s memorial… Little did I know that the next memorial I’d be attending… would be his. We talked after his first day of school, I was asking how it went, and he was telling me he was ready to graduate. I told him I was ready too but wanted to enjoy senior year, and he agreed. That was the last conversation I had with him. A week ago Sunday, Mason was in a fatal car crash. I didn’t even know until Monday afternoon when I found out on Facebook. It’s been a struggle to even wake up and live life with all the pain because I realize I won’t see him for a long time. Saturday was a beautiful service… but I can’t stop thinking about him. He was so full of life, and he didn’t deserve to die. If I had more time with him… I am 100% certain I would have fallen for him. It’s been a week and two days now… And my heart’s still beating, although broken. I don’t know if I’ll ever fully heal completely… But until then, I have to trust God, as hard as it may be, and try to assure myself that Mason has found his Fountain of Youth.

  100. anony mouse  September 16, 2018 at 6:23 pm Reply

    i spent the day of the 14th of june with my bestest friend. we were completely inseperable, and like aristotle described it was as if our souls were one. i remember the day as if it were yesterday. i had an exam booster and she facetimed me whilst i was still in the class, i called her back and she invited me to her house. i spent most of the day there packing up her stuff as she was moving the following weekend, it was just a normal day, we listened to music and pratted around. we went for a breakfast at our favourite cafe and after seing her boyfriend she met me at the park where we sang our favourite songs including american pie which quotes “this will be the day that i die”. the sound of her voice singing that line will echo in my voice forever as nobody knew how true that line would become. she had to be in at 7:30 and i vivdly remember watching her walk away from me towards her house, i had no clue that it would be the last time and gave her a casual “see you tomorrow” as we had a physics exam the next morning. she then went home and ate her pesto pasta and after snapchatting me at around 10pm she went to sleep, happy and healthy. the day before i had left my bag at her house and had arranged to pick it up from her house that morning. so i got my mum to drop me near her house and as i approached i was greeted with ambulances and police cars, lots of them. my heart dropped as i broke into tears trying to make up a million excuses in my mind as to what could be going on. i called countless amounts of times and still to this day i reread the messages that i sent her that morning: im coming to get my bag… wtf why is there so many police and ambulances?!… i love you so much and i hope youre okay. i didnt know what to do. i didnt want to walk in because i was terrified of what i might find. so i started walking to my exam, on the way i found another close friend of hers who i explained what had happened too and she told me to just wait it out and see if she turned up for the exam. sitting there in that hall was the most painful experience, i watched the examinor walk up to her desk and take her paper and name card away as they realised she was not going to turn up. everyone had been trying to get hold of her but nothing. i spent the day praying and trying to distract myself and it wasnt until around 4 that another close friend of hers called me and broke the news to me that she had passed away in her sleep. my whole world fell around me as i sat in the middle of the street sobbing. i couldnt breathe let alone explain to my family that the reason i was crying was because the other half of me had died. she was sixteen and she was so healthy and happy and to this day no one has a clue why or how it happened. i often wonder if there was anything i couldve done to stop it or if it wouldve happened had things been different. i had asked her on that day to stay at my house and i wonder about what that wouldve been like had she not woken up next to me. her mum and family were so so supportive and welcomed me in and i am so so thankful for that. i will defintley never be the same after this. its been three months and my heart still longs for her. i hear her voice sometimes and i talk to her all the time. its so unfair and ill never forgive the world for taking her. this post helped alot as alot of things i read are so generalised and it feels as if im not understood by anyone. would just help alot to be able to talk to someone going through a simlar experience.

    • Anonymous  December 15, 2018 at 12:54 pm Reply

      Itll be a whole year next week since the day i lost my best friend and one whole year since ive talked to her for the last time tomorrow. She was more than a best friend. She was my family, my sister. She moved to australia a few years ago but she came to pakistan to surprise me and stayed with me and my family for 3 whole months. Her moving away brought us even closer. We had a kind of friendship people used to admire. My parents loved her like their own daughter. She was such a compassionate, funny and a mature person. One of a kind. She was beautiful. She would call me everynight during her late night work shifts and we would talk for hours and remember our school days and all the fun times we’ve had together. I would tell her how much i loved her and missed her everyday. I was planning to visit her this summer and we had so much planned! I just miss her so much everyday. Im okay some days but some times its so hard and suffocating i dont know what to do and who to tell. I try not to cry in the bathroom and come out like nothing ever happened. I think im still in denial. I just want to visit her grave so that i can talk to her for the last time and maybe then itll be easy to accept her death. I dont know what ill do on her first death anniversary. I dont want that day to come. I just want to hug her and talk to her. I want her to answer the phone when i call her and i just want her to be alive again….

  101. Jack  September 13, 2018 at 1:01 am Reply

    Dear Kristen, I read your post concerning the death of your best friend and my heart goes out to you. As a 20 year old young man I experienced the death of my best friend who was only 18 years old at the time of his death and I was left confused and felt abandoned by the people around me that underestimated the grief I felt inside. I was also scared and it feel so unreal that it took me a few days to acknowledge his death. We were suppose to be the kings of youth and immortality, we were not suppose to die, but this was my awakening that yes, we do die and we do not have to be old to die. If it were possible I know I wished a thousand times to understand why and now? Of course I would never know, but I, just like anyone was hurt and felt because of my youth that it was a minimized by others. But that is not so , its been 41 years ago and I still wonder at times what his life would have been like. Your pain is real and sometimes when people have not experienced what you have gone through ,cannot see beneath the young heart. I truly do not remember how long it took me to adjust, I think it came about in stages and if there is any good that came out of it I could say that the pain and uncertainty help me to be a more compassionate person for those whom hurt. I hope and pray that your heart will continue to heal and that you find that peace and understanding to live happily and know you were a dear friend to them also, thank you for sharing your story.

  102. Kristen  September 11, 2018 at 2:45 am Reply

    On December 11th, my best friend will have been dead for 2 whole years. Insane. Jaymie was in grade 10 and I was in grade 12 the year it happened. Our families were friends so of course we naturally grew up as automatic best friends. I remember the first day we spent together at a family event and begged our parents to let us set up a tent and sleep in the backyard. From that moment we became weekend best friends (my parents were split and I went to school in Etobicoke while she lived a few streets away from my dads house in Brampton) this was the best set up for our friendship. Every weekend we would wreak havoc at dads house. Every summer we went on family vacations together. I saw her like a little sister and I knew I had a responsibility to be a good older friend she could look up to. At the same time we were equals! in grade 10 end of the year, I was kicked out of moms to dads. TERRIBLE! Except for one great new opportunity to go to school together (something we always joked and dreamt about) she was going into grade 9 and I was 11th grade. We had sleepovers and went to school together or would skip class to make it to mcdonalds for hash browns before they changed to lunch. She died a year later beginning of her 10th grade year and my senior year. An A student like me barely passed. Didn’t even care about graduating, prom or whatever else senior students care about. I felt the stares of “ou that’s the girl who’s best friend died”. I felt the eyes of all my teachers. I felt all that multiplied by 1000 at her funeral, speaking in the service. Then I took a year off school once I finally made it through my senior year (aka hell). I couldn’t consider post secondary the applications were due right after her death!! I felt the need to apply I mean that’s what you do next right? But how could I? My year off was spent working full time, grieving in waves and being an 18 year old. I finally applied that year and made it into humber. So here I am my first year of college. She would be graduating this year! She would be excited about prom! Sending me all the dress ideas while I scramble to get my final papers in. I hate how this loss is belittled by so many people. We called each other sisters. We cried together, laughed together and just sat in each other’s comforting presence. So how do I go about starting college lugging this baggage with me? how do I relate to all the innocent naive students who have never experienced loss like this? How do I go to any other friend for comfort without making them feel lesser? After almost 2 years it becomes scary to say hey I need you again I swear I’m not back at square one with the grief but I’m feeling those feelings again, please don’t be afraid of me or weirded out just be here for me. It gets tiring after a while almost frustrating to get that emotional tidal wave when you swore last week it was getting better. I’m glad this post exists all I ever see on google is “dead pet” or “dead family member”. just as there’s a closeness between a freaking animal that deserves a post, there’s a closeness between best friends that deserves a post as well. I hate worrying that my sadness or grief seems “exaggerated” because “it’s not like they were related to you”. How could I sit in a grief group with someone who lost a family member and be taken seriously for my loss? How to explain to friends that I’m still me but I’ve got a little bit of the grim reaper inside me too.

  103. Robert  September 10, 2018 at 11:27 pm Reply

    Its been 2 1/2 years now since my best friend died and when the fall season of the year begins to draw close I remember him and all the times we spent in the outdoors. I have never put a time constraint on when or how long it would take me to adjust to him being gone. I knew the day that he passed away I would never be the same again as our friendship spanned over 45 years. That is a lot of years to be close friends and I still miss him to such a degree that I haven’t yet found that place where I find the memories to be sweet or precious. I know we often hear how we should cherish the memories and maybe one day I will feel that, but what they make me feel right now is lonely. I know in my heart that some healing has begun as I move forward and continue living, but there are some things that are simply gone forever. He will never be forgotten and I am being as patient with myself as possible because it is my belief that God has an intended purpose for all of us to be upon this earth for his intended reason. I believe I will see my friend again in heaven, but until that day I want to live for my intended purpose and I believe that by the grace of God and his healing love I will continue to heal , be it all slowly. I am truly grateful to everyone on this thread/ site because as I read these stories you all give me a hope in the sense that I am not alone and I do not want you to feel you are alone either.

  104. Joseph  September 7, 2018 at 1:37 pm Reply

    I loss my best friend in September 2017 to cancer. We were like brothers the last 11 of our 24 years of friendship. His loss aches so bad even now despite the fact I know he is pain free, in heaven. I think back to last year at this time , how much it pain my soul the memories of him in pain, just a shell of himself. I miss him so bad , I think of him every single day since he transition over to the other side. I know he will say to me Joe just live your best life. Our time on this earth is so short , I think because of his passing I am not scare of my own mortality. I know I see him again , all lost love one’s in the future. It hurts so much , the loneliness is sometimes unbearable however I just learn to just take one day at a time.

  105. Alisha b  September 6, 2018 at 8:56 am Reply

    Thank you so, so much for posting this article and all the comments. Errin O. Posted a comment earlier asking if there was anything specific for those who lost a beat friend to suucide… I couldn’t figure out how to respond directly to her but I’ve experienced the exact same loss.
    My best friend, my soul sister, the only woman I trusted 100% passed October 3rd 2017 from what was ruled a suicide… almost a year… and I still cry everytime she comes to mind. My heart literally aches so deep inside it feels like nothing will ever be ok again.
    She hadn’t been feeling well at all and was very depressed after her grandson passed in December 2016 and her husband (my ‘bobber’ since her grandson loved fishing bobbers and my ‘Subby- for secret hubby) passed in Februar 2017, just a few months before. We were both still learning to navigate without them and to be honest she gave up. Her heart was broke and now mine is.
    Sometimes I get angry at her. Sometimes im so mad she left me here alone. Im 36 and I have to go the rest of my life without part of me because of her choice… but sometimes… I miss and love her so much I just want to hear her voice or ANYTHING that will help me feel her close.
    Her death has changed my life in every conceivable way. I started living for ME! I realized how short life is and my priorities have done a 360. The changes in my life since her death have been horrendous and hard without her here being my cheerleader and sometimes I feel guilty saying my best friends death changed me in a way that had made my life spiritually amazing. Who says that? Why couldn’t I change with her here? Both her and I believe strongly in God and Jesus and I know He had a plan here but why her? Why did she have to leave me?
    These are just some of the thoughts I struggle with daily. Not to mention she’s in all my Facebook memories and that brings tears and makes my loss fresh regularly. I too feel lo ike people think I should just ‘get over it’ and she wasn’t my spouse or family and because wed argued a bit before shed passed and her family knew.
    All I know is that I am so grateful I had a love like her in my life. And I am so grateful to have been loved the way she loved me. But I’m still so incredibly heartbroken and am not sure how to face the anniversary of her passing in a few weeks.

  106. Faith  August 15, 2018 at 4:48 am Reply

    I just lost my life long best friend of 33 years on Saturday August 4th. It was a tragic car accident. A lady was driving under the influence hit her head on she died instantly. Her husband and 14 year old daughter were in the car with her. I can not imagine what that baby is going through. I can not cry not really I start shaking all over and I’m broken on the inside, but each time I start to cry it’s like I’m
    Suddenly numb. I am having chest pains, nightmares, panic attacks it’s driving me crazy trying to learn how to cope with this loss. She was such a huge part of my life I feel like part of me went with her.

  107. Amanda  July 28, 2018 at 10:49 pm Reply

    My best friend has been gone for 22 years and 5 days. I still miss her every day. It still hurts. But the world doesn’t stop just because your soul has been ripped in half. Whether you want it to or not, the sun will rise tomorrow.

    When her father died last year I was jealous. It was not my proudest moment, but I was so angry and upset that he got to see her, and I still can’t. I still want to scream and cry at the world. It’s still as raw and fresh as the years right after she left. All I can do is hold onto the hope that I will one day get to see her again.

  108. Errin O.  July 18, 2018 at 5:46 pm Reply

    My best friend died on Sunday at the age of 23. She tried to hang herself on Saturday night, and she succeeded, but her boyfriend found her and cut her down and called the police. She was already in a coma by the time I’d found out and rushed to the hospital Sunday morning. After the 4th time her heart had stopped and been resuscitated, we were told that her body was sustaining too much trauma from it, and the next time she crashed, we would have to say goodbye. We played her songs and talked to her (since hearing is the last thing to go) and I sang to her too. She always loved my voice. She starting crashing during “Hey Jude”. She loved the Beatles. We were all begging her to stay with us and keep fighting, but when her pulse dropped to 50-60, we just started telling her over and over how much we loved her. I told her I wasn’t mad at her and that I’d just miss her a lot and I just wanted her to find peace and be happy. I told her I loved her so, so much…over and over. I held her hand, squeezing as hard as I could without hurting her. She looked so delicate. I was there until her last breath.

    It’s Wednesday now already, somehow. All of this still feels so surreal. She’d texted me at 11:04pm Saturday night. Her boyfriend found her at 11:30pm, then called the cops at 11:39pm. I know not to blame myself, but I still can’t help but wonder what I could’ve done to help her. I miss her immeasurably. I’m only 22. She’d just earned two Bachelor’s degrees. We each just adopted a puppy a few months ago and now our dogs are best friends. We joked that it couldn’t be any other way because we were such good-such best friends.

    I’m glad to find an article about losing your best friend, but is there any advice out there for those who’ve specifically lost their best friend to suicide? It’s so hard to move on from because it feels like it could’ve been prevented. I myself used to struggle with suicidal thoughts until a few years ago (and she knew this) and I was somehow able to piece myself together and move on. I’d hoped she’d feel close enough and comfortable enough with me to tell me that something was so wrong.

    I can’t seem to gather the rest of the information I need to piece this together. It’s like everyone got a puzzle piece, but none of the pieces we got are to the same puzzle and nobody has all the pieces to any one puzzle anyway.

  109. Aimee  July 13, 2018 at 2:33 pm Reply

    I lost my best friend of 35 years in 2017. It was unexpected. It became increasingly obvious that she was sick and I along with others, tried to get her to see a doctor. I have an immense feeling of guilt over this. Should I have dragged her to the doctor myself, forced her to go? Would she still be alive if I had?
    Her death rocked mr more than any before. She was the one person on the planet who knew everything about me, good and bad, yet never judged me. It is with her I shared mental telepathy at times and have never laughed so hard or often with anyone else. It has been a complete paradigm shift for me. How am I supposed to live the rest of my life without her? The whole she left behind is enormous. I never got to say goodbye.
    I have been blessed with many friends and family, but no one with whom I have this same connection. I have no sisters and she was that sister to me. I wish there was a support group for folks who have lost a close friend and that there would be a realization of the loss felt.

  110. Shu  July 6, 2018 at 9:22 am Reply

    I lost a friend in a car accident two months ago. I had known him for four months which I know is a short time but knowing him was the best thing that happened to me. Before I met him, I was unhappy and had anxiety attacks but then he changed all that. He made me feel loved and also made me love life again because he was always happy and made everyone else around him happy. His death was so sudden that I still can not accept he is gone. I miss him so much because he is the reason I kept moving even when I did not feel like it. What hurts most is that no one knows how special he was to me and how deep our friendship was. I think of you everyday because everything I touch or say reminds me of you. I really miss you and I will forever love you.

  111. MTHUNZI THWALA  July 2, 2018 at 3:37 am Reply

    I lost my best friend on the morning of the 15th of June 2018. he woke up too early for some reason and went to attend ISQBT training.
    The thing it was just too early for him to leave. He left at 6:15am according to his wife and died at 6:25am.

    We had been friends for over 20 years and known each other over 30 years. our friendship was that of Timon and Pumba kind and craziness. I am loud,short ,fat and dressed like a lumberjack he was tall and elegant and always dressed like GQ model. I would tell people exactly what I thought of them and he would always look to create peace and harmony. I drove my car like crazy idiot that I am and always teased him about his driving as he drove like a 70 year old grandma.

    ON that morning 3 Fridays ago we just a call that he was involved in an accident and didn’t think much of it as the wife said the Paramedics when attending to him, I just dismissed it a as nothing big however after having this nagging feeling I decided to call his wife just to check if all is fine. I WAS NEVER READY to hear the screams on the other side of the line …I knew he was no longer with us. It felt like I had been punched in my gut and my heart had been ripped out of my chest .

    I have seen this guy get married, and having a son, a doughter , buying his first car , buying his first house . We pursued our life goals together. He was my sound board for every major decision I was to make. He listen and did not need to answer all the time, sometimes that look would be enough. For the past 3 weeks I have struggled to listen to GREGORY PORTER as we loved that voice together. I have no one to share weird jokes with anymore.

    The worst thing about the last three weeks is that I have become a living symbol of his death everywhere I go, you see we were inseparable and attached to each other so much, we shared same passions , worked in the same company, went to the same church and socialised together. When people see me alone they would ask about his whereabouts and vice versa. Now when people see me they seem to feel sorry for me or they avoid making eye contact. I have become the ghost of his being and symbol of his death.

    On the day of his memorial a book he ordered from amazon arrived and it was the weirdest thing we have ever experienced. The talked about “The memoirs of love and loss” talking about a woman whose husband died in an accident and left her with two kids.
    Then the next thing was when I came back to the office I wanted to tidy up his desk and collect his personal belongings only to find that he had cleaned his desk and all the drawers where empty. The question is Could his Spirit have known that he was about to die?

    I feel so robbed of his life and wish I could raise him from the dead and give him slap.

  112. A girl  May 29, 2018 at 11:27 am Reply

    Hello there. I had my best friend’s life taken from her at her birthday. I am really upset and not sure what to do. I am feeling suicidal myself. Your article is really helpful. Thanks for it.

    My advice would be for anyone going through a horrible experience like this, is not to be alone and to stay sober. Drinking, and taking drugs will not make it go away, in fact it makes it harder to deal with it.

  113. A girl  May 29, 2018 at 11:27 am Reply

    Hello there. I had my best friend’s life taken from her at her birthday. I am really upset and not sure what to do. I am feeling suicidal myself. Your article is really helpful. Thanks for it.

    My advice would be for anyone going through a horrible experience like this, is not to be alone and to stay sober. Drinking, and taking drugs will not make it go away, in fact it makes it harder to deal with it.

  114. Barra  May 26, 2018 at 12:14 pm Reply

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  115. Barra  May 26, 2018 at 12:14 pm Reply

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  116. Matt  May 24, 2018 at 12:05 am Reply

    The first year of losing my bestfriend is coming up, he passed away last year june 24 in a car accident.
    He struggled with addictions off and on. He lost his lover back in 2012. Someone i introduced to him..a friend of mine.
    I have always felt alot of thinfs are my fault. I still think hes messing with me, waiting for him to text or some crazy signal showing hes still out there.. he had just graduated college for physics and engineering. He was brilliant way way way smarter than me. Yet he wanted to hang with me. I was such a dick leading up to the end.. i didnt realise how i always came up with excuses to not be able to hangout.. or always doing what i want to do. He always did what i want more than what he wanted, the past few times he offered to go out to eat or hangout ,i blew him off woth ,i would man but im so tired from the baby and i gotta get up early.. im such a fool for doing that. Time with everyone you love is important,i should have fpubd a way to include my family with him more. But now i struggle woth spending time with my family too.. i am so unhappy, but i try to be positive and take care of responsibilties for my family and myself. I feel though, i wont be around much longer. I have no one to talk with late at night,or early mornings when i feel the most down.. i love life . And i dont want to die,or ens up insane..

  117. Matt  May 24, 2018 at 12:05 am Reply

    The first year of losing my bestfriend is coming up, he passed away last year june 24 in a car accident.
    He struggled with addictions off and on. He lost his lover back in 2012. Someone i introduced to him..a friend of mine.
    I have always felt alot of thinfs are my fault. I still think hes messing with me, waiting for him to text or some crazy signal showing hes still out there.. he had just graduated college for physics and engineering. He was brilliant way way way smarter than me. Yet he wanted to hang with me. I was such a dick leading up to the end.. i didnt realise how i always came up with excuses to not be able to hangout.. or always doing what i want to do. He always did what i want more than what he wanted, the past few times he offered to go out to eat or hangout ,i blew him off woth ,i would man but im so tired from the baby and i gotta get up early.. im such a fool for doing that. Time with everyone you love is important,i should have fpubd a way to include my family with him more. But now i struggle woth spending time with my family too.. i am so unhappy, but i try to be positive and take care of responsibilties for my family and myself. I feel though, i wont be around much longer. I have no one to talk with late at night,or early mornings when i feel the most down.. i love life . And i dont want to die,or ens up insane..

  118. Madeline  May 22, 2018 at 1:50 am Reply

    I lost my best friend Sandra on 13 June 2016. She committed suicide. She had what I later learned was a severe bipolar disorder. I had no idea, whenever I saw her she was pretty close to perfection. Never sad, always positive, always a breath of fresh air. Always strong, so completely true. When I learned of the true cause of her death, I hated her for for months, I never thought I would forgive her. Of course that changed, I accepted it, grieved, and went on remembering all that was good about her, every single memory over 30 years of friendship, every laugh we had, trip we took, men we dated – the good ones, the bad ones and those difficult times in our lives we helped each other through. I went on. I was fine. Or so I thought. There is a terrible feeling of loss that I feel now more than when she first died. It is not always present but when it comes it is sudden, but profound. I have other wonderful friends but I feel like no one really “gets me”, as she did. She was a lioness defender, always in my corner, closer than a sister I think would have ever been. I was blessed to have known her, few have such a good soul in their lives. I guess I’m posting now because I am trying to understand why the grief has presented itself this way, now.

  119. Madeline  May 22, 2018 at 1:50 am Reply

    I lost my best friend Sandra on 13 June 2016. She committed suicide. She had what I later learned was a severe bipolar disorder. I had no idea, whenever I saw her she was pretty close to perfection. Never sad, always positive, always a breath of fresh air. Always strong, so completely true. When I learned of the true cause of her death, I hated her for for months, I never thought I would forgive her. Of course that changed, I accepted it, grieved, and went on remembering all that was good about her, every single memory over 30 years of friendship, every laugh we had, trip we took, men we dated – the good ones, the bad ones and those difficult times in our lives we helped each other through. I went on. I was fine. Or so I thought. There is a terrible feeling of loss that I feel now more than when she first died. It is not always present but when it comes it is sudden, but profound. I have other wonderful friends but I feel like no one really “gets me”, as she did. She was a lioness defender, always in my corner, closer than a sister I think would have ever been. I was blessed to have known her, few have such a good soul in their lives. I guess I’m posting now because I am trying to understand why the grief has presented itself this way, now.

  120. marion  May 15, 2018 at 9:05 am Reply

    Saturday, May 12, marked the 1st anniversary since my closest friend died. I was very anxious and depressed as the day approached. I wanted to do some kind of ritual, but couldn’t think of anything. I wanted other friends who knew us to reach out to me, they didn’t. I used to always initiate; I don’t have the motivation to do that any more. My children knew how I was feeling. I have tried to tell them the various “phases” I’ve been going thru because some of them were destructive.
    I slept very late that day, maybe my subconscious was protecting me. I made some tea and cried. I took out the journal I’ve been keeping since she died, re-read what I’d written. Cried some more. Wrote some more. Lit candles. Sat quietly. A few hours later, I took a bath in epsom salts and lavender. That calmed my emotions.
    She was my satellite. My confidante. She knew me better than any friend. Our families were similar, there was never a need for explanation.
    What can I say to help you others “move on”? I don’t really have a solution. I have been candid with people when I was having a hard time, whether at work or out socially. Keep it simple. Don’t be afraid of the emotions.
    I found grief counselling very helpful. I gave myself 3 sessions, since I don’t have insurance for it. It was VERY difficult, but gave me new awareness of where I stand now.
    Laughter and joy comes back slowly. Don’t feel guilty if you can’t express it.
    I joined Weight Watchers because I was eating and drinking so much just to fill the hole from my loss. It has given me direction I couldn’t find for myself. I drink way less and have lost 20 pounds.
    Be gentle with yourselves and thank you for your stories.

  121. marion  May 15, 2018 at 9:05 am Reply

    Saturday, May 12, marked the 1st anniversary since my closest friend died. I was very anxious and depressed as the day approached. I wanted to do some kind of ritual, but couldn’t think of anything. I wanted other friends who knew us to reach out to me, they didn’t. I used to always initiate; I don’t have the motivation to do that any more. My children knew how I was feeling. I have tried to tell them the various “phases” I’ve been going thru because some of them were destructive.
    I slept very late that day, maybe my subconscious was protecting me. I made some tea and cried. I took out the journal I’ve been keeping since she died, re-read what I’d written. Cried some more. Wrote some more. Lit candles. Sat quietly. A few hours later, I took a bath in epsom salts and lavender. That calmed my emotions.
    She was my satellite. My confidante. She knew me better than any friend. Our families were similar, there was never a need for explanation.
    What can I say to help you others “move on”? I don’t really have a solution. I have been candid with people when I was having a hard time, whether at work or out socially. Keep it simple. Don’t be afraid of the emotions.
    I found grief counselling very helpful. I gave myself 3 sessions, since I don’t have insurance for it. It was VERY difficult, but gave me new awareness of where I stand now.
    Laughter and joy comes back slowly. Don’t feel guilty if you can’t express it.
    I joined Weight Watchers because I was eating and drinking so much just to fill the hole from my loss. It has given me direction I couldn’t find for myself. I drink way less and have lost 20 pounds.
    Be gentle with yourselves and thank you for your stories.

  122. Mark  May 2, 2018 at 3:21 pm Reply

    Okay, I’ve been lurking on this site for a little while, having experienced the same loss most others here have as well. I’m writing this more for me than for the world as this is my form of necessary therapy. Thank you for bearing with me.

    Kelly, my best friend, died in my home on March 12th. She was 36 about to be 37. She was also an IV drug user and hid this from me until her death.

    My name is Mark (I’m 44) and we dated for a couple of years before coming to the realization we made better friends. Since she had her own health issues and nowhere to stay, she moved into my spare bedroom. While we did date others, we were like an old married couple, without the marriage or coupling. I took her on doctor appointments, hospital visits, bought cigarettes, took her shopping anything and everything…not as a co-dependent, but as a friend. I believe you’re born into your blood family, but create a second family along the way in life through friends and Kelly was part of my second family. I’m a loner by nature without every having many close friends, so this was unusual…for me. But it really was something special to have my best friend around at 11pm at night to talk to about anything. We honestly cared for each other and even shared company of her cat.

    She had a lot of health issues, many from well before I met her. I knew she used opiates as a way to deal with her pain, but as time passed, their use increased and she eventually reached out for harder drugs to kill her pain. I admit, I saw all the signs of a worsening problem and I challenged her about it. But for as smart as I believe I am, she successfully fooled me while I successfully fooled myself that she could handle it. I offered help, many times, over the years, some of which she took. When her mother unexpectedly died 8 months ago, she fell into a depression and increased her use. I’m not into pills or injecting, though she was. Opiates gave way to herion…and her health got worse. I had no idea how bad things were until I cleaned up her room after her passing.

    With hindsight, I can now see the sepsis she caught was from using impure drugs. The month before her death she spent in the hospital after a drug induced seizure in my home helped her recover…but the same weekend she was released from the hospital, she tried using and while I made lunch, she slowly was dying in her room. When I checked in if she wanted lunch, I found her breathing shallow and it just didn’t seem right. I shook her, even slapped her across the face to wake her up, get a response, but I got nothing. Called 911 and to their credit, arrived moments later…but to no avail. My best friend died in my arms and there wasn’t a goddam thing I could do by then.

    This happened over a month ago and while I now take care of her cat and have the support of my family (folks), I still go through my day, feeling like I’m an actor just playing a part. And I’m not a good actor.

    I don’t have answers on how this situation resolves. If I was a better friend, maybe I could have done more. Maybe I should’ve realized a speech about getting off of drugs is useless without action. Maybe if I was more cognizant of her own inner pain, I would have had known what to do. But I didn’t. And that’s just the way it is.

    All I can tell you is that I’m happier having known her than to have avoided knowing her at all. Even though her ending sucked, for many years she was my best friend and I appreciate having had her be that in my life. And I feel satisfied knowing that I was that in hers. In that respect, the ending matters less than the joy we shared. I miss her, expect I always will…and if there is an afterlife, I’m looking forward to catching up 40 years from now.

  123. Mark  May 2, 2018 at 3:21 pm Reply

    Okay, I’ve been lurking on this site for a little while, having experienced the same loss most others here have as well. I’m writing this more for me than for the world as this is my form of necessary therapy. Thank you for bearing with me.

    Kelly, my best friend, died in my home on March 12th. She was 36 about to be 37. She was also an IV drug user and hid this from me until her death.

    My name is Mark (I’m 44) and we dated for a couple of years before coming to the realization we made better friends. Since she had her own health issues and nowhere to stay, she moved into my spare bedroom. While we did date others, we were like an old married couple, without the marriage or coupling. I took her on doctor appointments, hospital visits, bought cigarettes, took her shopping anything and everything…not as a co-dependent, but as a friend. I believe you’re born into your blood family, but create a second family along the way in life through friends and Kelly was part of my second family. I’m a loner by nature without every having many close friends, so this was unusual…for me. But it really was something special to have my best friend around at 11pm at night to talk to about anything. We honestly cared for each other and even shared company of her cat.

    She had a lot of health issues, many from well before I met her. I knew she used opiates as a way to deal with her pain, but as time passed, their use increased and she eventually reached out for harder drugs to kill her pain. I admit, I saw all the signs of a worsening problem and I challenged her about it. But for as smart as I believe I am, she successfully fooled me while I successfully fooled myself that she could handle it. I offered help, many times, over the years, some of which she took. When her mother unexpectedly died 8 months ago, she fell into a depression and increased her use. I’m not into pills or injecting, though she was. Opiates gave way to herion…and her health got worse. I had no idea how bad things were until I cleaned up her room after her passing.

    With hindsight, I can now see the sepsis she caught was from using impure drugs. The month before her death she spent in the hospital after a drug induced seizure in my home helped her recover…but the same weekend she was released from the hospital, she tried using and while I made lunch, she slowly was dying in her room. When I checked in if she wanted lunch, I found her breathing shallow and it just didn’t seem right. I shook her, even slapped her across the face to wake her up, get a response, but I got nothing. Called 911 and to their credit, arrived moments later…but to no avail. My best friend died in my arms and there wasn’t a goddam thing I could do by then.

    This happened over a month ago and while I now take care of her cat and have the support of my family (folks), I still go through my day, feeling like I’m an actor just playing a part. And I’m not a good actor.

    I don’t have answers on how this situation resolves. If I was a better friend, maybe I could have done more. Maybe I should’ve realized a speech about getting off of drugs is useless without action. Maybe if I was more cognizant of her own inner pain, I would have had known what to do. But I didn’t. And that’s just the way it is.

    All I can tell you is that I’m happier having known her than to have avoided knowing her at all. Even though her ending sucked, for many years she was my best friend and I appreciate having had her be that in my life. And I feel satisfied knowing that I was that in hers. In that respect, the ending matters less than the joy we shared. I miss her, expect I always will…and if there is an afterlife, I’m looking forward to catching up 40+ years from now.

  124. william  May 2, 2018 at 2:18 pm Reply

    my best friend died today by suicide and it hurts a lot. im thankful for this article because without it i would never have been the same thank you so, so much

  125. william  May 2, 2018 at 2:18 pm Reply

    my best friend died today by suicide and it hurts a lot. im thankful for this article because without it i would never have been the same thank you so, so much

  126. Virginia Mariposa Dale  May 2, 2018 at 3:07 am Reply

    My dearest friend died of cancer on Friday. I knew she was dying; she had called me and asked me to just tell her I loved her, which I did. Then the facility she was in, she had become spastic and unable to care for herself because she’d taken so many drugs to combat what was diagnosed as paranoid schizophrenia, called and left a detailed message about her death on Friday. I had hoped I’d never get this call; she and I met at age 15 in Hawaii; we were Navy juniors attending the same high school and became fast friends with two other girls as well. My father was passed over for captain, so my family moved to Los Angeles from Hawaii, and I went through some lonely times, but I’m outgoing and eventually found someone with my absurdist sense of humor and life went on. I graduated from college, got a job, worked, saved money and bought a one-way ticket to Madrid to learn Spanish, which had been my minor subject. Kathy, my friend, went to art school, painted, drank, smoked like a fiend and did everything with the obsessive passion that ran in her family. When she was 22, her parents gave an art exhibit for their wealthy neighborhood, and Kathy had to come through. She painted till the wee hours and was a nervous wreck by the time of the exhibit, which wasn’t her idea as she was a sensitive introvert. When a neighbor made a nasty remark about one of her abstract paintings, she jumped over the third floor bannister and broke her pelvis plus was considered crazy. All of my friends have lived on the wild side and so have it. We reconnected at the age of 40 when her father looked up my father’s phone number in the Annapolis year book. They connected me to Kathy and I was horrified to hear of the immense pain, attempted suicides and the chasm of hell she’d fallen into. She was a goofy but happy girl when I knew her in Hawaii. We talked and wrote and she came to visit me in Santa Barbara (which I find utterly boring) where we spent a magical day wanderlusting through town. I read “Ode to a Skylark” by Percy Shelley to her in my backyard. She bought a statue of the Virgin Mary as it was Jesus who brought her out of the asylum they put her in after the leap over the bannister that changed her life forever. We were closer than ever and she saw a piece of art I’d done in a class and encouraged me to paint, which I did, sending her pictures of my attempts. I had just married a much younger Mexican man (he was 26; I was 40) who dropped me when I didn’t get pregnant. I had loved him and thought it was forever, so I had a nervous breakdown as I’m also sensitive and far from shallow. Kathy and her mother would take desperate calls from me in the wee hours of the morning and then I would feel reassured, loved and be able to sleep. They saw me though the worst years of my life. Now I’m 75 and most of my artist friends have died of alcohol abuse or just freezing to death in a car, homeless. These people had been famous in their fields, especially John Hutnick, a Toyota car designer among other things. I’ve had novels published and am also passionate, but no longer about men or women. I would like to lead a fairly simple life at this point, although my novel, Rich White Americans, is coming out in a few months. Getting a cat or dog won’t suffice to fill the voids left by these friends, and losing Kathy, to whom I could tell anything and I have a lot to tell, seems to have broken me. I am a host mom for international students, which gives me interesting people to cook dinner for and exchange ideas, sympathies, but it’s not enough. I’ve led a rich life and am in good health, but I can’t sleep.

  127. Virginia Mariposa Dale  May 2, 2018 at 3:07 am Reply

    My dearest friend died of cancer on Friday. I knew she was dying; she had called me and asked me to just tell her I loved her, which I did. Then the facility she was in, she had become spastic and unable to care for herself because she’d taken so many drugs to combat what was diagnosed as paranoid schizophrenia, called and left a detailed message about her death on Friday. I had hoped I’d never get this call; she and I met at age 15 in Hawaii; we were Navy juniors attending the same high school and became fast friends with two other girls as well. My father was passed over for captain, so my family moved to Los Angeles from Hawaii, and I went through some lonely times, but I’m outgoing and eventually found someone with my absurdist sense of humor and life went on. I graduated from college, got a job, worked, saved money and bought a one-way ticket to Madrid to learn Spanish, which had been my minor subject. Kathy, my friend, went to art school, painted, drank, smoked like a fiend and did everything with the obsessive passion that ran in her family. When she was 22, her parents gave an art exhibit for their wealthy neighborhood, and Kathy had to come through. She painted till the wee hours and was a nervous wreck by the time of the exhibit, which wasn’t her idea as she was a sensitive introvert. When a neighbor made a nasty remark about one of her abstract paintings, she jumped over the third floor bannister and broke her pelvis plus was considered crazy. All of my friends have lived on the wild side and so have it. We reconnected at the age of 40 when her father looked up my father’s phone number in the Annapolis year book. They connected me to Kathy and I was horrified to hear of the immense pain, attempted suicides and the chasm of hell she’d fallen into. She was a goofy but happy girl when I knew her in Hawaii. We talked and wrote and she came to visit me in Santa Barbara (which I find utterly boring) where we spent a magical day wanderlusting through town. I read “Ode to a Skylark” by Percy Shelley to her in my backyard. She bought a statue of the Virgin Mary as it was Jesus who brought her out of the asylum they put her in after the leap over the bannister that changed her life forever. We were closer than ever and she saw a piece of art I’d done in a class and encouraged me to paint, which I did, sending her pictures of my attempts. I had just married a much younger Mexican man (he was 26; I was 40) who dropped me when I didn’t get pregnant. I had loved him and thought it was forever, so I had a nervous breakdown as I’m also sensitive and far from shallow. Kathy and her mother would take desperate calls from me in the wee hours of the morning and then I would feel reassured, loved and be able to sleep. They saw me though the worst years of my life. Now I’m 75 and most of my artist friends have died of alcohol abuse or just freezing to death in a car, homeless. These people had been famous in their fields, especially John Hutnick, a Toyota car designer among other things. I’ve had novels published and am also passionate, but no longer about men or women. I would like to lead a fairly simple life at this point, although my novel, Rich White Americans, is coming out in a few months. Getting a cat or dog won’t suffice to fill the voids left by these friends, and losing Kathy, to whom I could tell anything and I have a lot to tell, seems to have broken me. I am a host mom for international students, which gives me interesting people to cook dinner for and exchange ideas, sympathies, but it’s not enough. I’ve led a rich life and am in good health, but I can’t sleep.

  128. Gerard  May 2, 2018 at 1:23 am Reply

    You see, my best friend of 35 years passed away last Saturday (we have know each other since nursery and kindergarten).

    This was terrible news. My wife called me Saturday morning April 28 (as I was in a business group) informing me that the youngest sister of my best friend called her regarding the condition of my Best friend. He was in critical condition and in a coma in the Intensive Care unit of the Hospital. Upon hearing I picked up my wife at home and immediately proceeded to the Hospital. I was still able to see him and talk to him (his mother said to talk to him in his coma since he could still hear). He was in very bad condition an just the machines keeping him alive.

    To cut the long story short, he passed away that day. And I was able to witness this till his final moments. This really affected me and I have been trying to keep things calm, going about my usual weekday at work, But I found it really difficult. Honestly I went to work today with a heavy heart even though yesterday I spend some happy time with the family and kids.(it was a holiday here May 1) I’m questioning myself if what I am feeling is normal. Of course I don’t want to distract myself and I want to focus on my work. But the past few days have been difficult. Tonight will be the last day of his wake and tomorrow will be the burial rites. I took a leave tomorrow for this.

    I don’t know anyone from my network who has gone through this situation

    I really would like to hear how you were able to go through (and move on) after an event like this

  129. Gerard  May 2, 2018 at 1:23 am Reply

    You see, my best friend of 35+ years passed away last Saturday (we have know each other since nursery and kindergarten).

    This was terrible news. My wife called me Saturday morning April 28 (as I was in a business group) informing me that the youngest sister of my best friend called her regarding the condition of my Best friend. He was in critical condition and in a coma in the Intensive Care unit of the Hospital. Upon hearing I picked up my wife at home and immediately proceeded to the Hospital. I was still able to see him and talk to him (his mother said to talk to him in his coma since he could still hear). He was in very bad condition an just the machines keeping him alive.

    To cut the long story short, he passed away that day. And I was able to witness this till his final moments. This really affected me and I have been trying to keep things calm, going about my usual weekday at work, But I found it really difficult. Honestly I went to work today with a heavy heart even though yesterday I spend some happy time with the family and kids.(it was a holiday here May 1) I’m questioning myself if what I am feeling is normal. Of course I don’t want to distract myself and I want to focus on my work. But the past few days have been difficult. Tonight will be the last day of his wake and tomorrow will be the burial rites. I took a leave tomorrow for this.

    I don’t know anyone from my network who has gone through this situation

    I really would like to hear how you were able to go through (and move on) after an event like this

  130. Kristi  May 1, 2018 at 11:57 pm Reply

    I lost my most best friend in the entire world 3 weeks ago on April 10th. She and I had been friends since my family moved into our neighborhood over 18 years ago. We shared everything including each other’s family.. we were sisters. When we went to collage she went to Pittsburgh and I went to Ohio. Even tho we were miles apart and didn’t have to talk everyday, we were still thicker than glue.
    She had came home to visit an attend a funeral of a relative the weekend of the 6th . Tuesday the 10th I get a txt in the morning saying she was going to walk up to come see me, I got the coffee started. She came up, I was showing her the house because she hadn’t seen it since we redid it.. we walked out on the back deck just chatting and laughing like we do.. she sees the big pine tree in the backyard and it’s like she was drawn to it.. growing up we Always climed trees, it’s what we did! We were monkeys, everyone who knew Jennifer knows shes crazy and energetic ..So it wasn’t long before she climes into that great tree, laughing and having a great time just like when we were younger.. on her way down I heard a little “yulp” and then the fast russling of the branches followed by her body and a big “thump”. The unspeakable had happned, she fell out of my tree. I run to her side ( I was watching her from the deck while drinking my coffee) She didn’t move, and it took her a second to start breathing, I call 911 and go get my fiancee, I call her brother and mom to come to my house NOW. It felt like hrs waiting for the squad to arrive. My fiancee was trying to keep her brother and mother calm. We just knew for some reason it wasn’t good. She die a few times on the way to the hospital. While at the hospital they worked on her for a long as they could. But God had already took her. There wasn’t a scratch on her.. all internal. She was 28years old. And would have been 29 on May 13 mother’s day this year.. she went out of this world doing what she did best,… being herself, living life, being carefree and so happy. I just found out im pregnant, we had been trying for the last few months.. I can’t help but think she in heaven had something to do with it.. it brings me comfort in thinking so. Jennifer was my other half, she was the only person in my life who I truly shared Everything with. I look out my windows and see that tree everyday. But I tell myself and others around me that she wouldent want us to be sad and dwell about what happned.. she would want us to be happy, like she was. So the tree is a happy place for me now. She’s with me when im there, I feel her with me all the time. I’ll miss her Everyday for the rest of my life ??

  131. Kristi  May 1, 2018 at 11:57 pm Reply

    I lost my most best friend in the entire world 3 weeks ago on April 10th. She and I had been friends since my family moved into our neighborhood over 18 years ago. We shared everything including each other’s family.. we were sisters. When we went to collage she went to Pittsburgh and I went to Ohio. Even tho we were miles apart and didn’t have to talk everyday, we were still thicker than glue.
    She had came home to visit an attend a funeral of a relative the weekend of the 6th . Tuesday the 10th I get a txt in the morning saying she was going to walk up to come see me, I got the coffee started. She came up, I was showing her the house because she hadn’t seen it since we redid it.. we walked out on the back deck just chatting and laughing like we do.. she sees the big pine tree in the backyard and it’s like she was drawn to it.. growing up we Always climed trees, it’s what we did! We were monkeys, everyone who knew Jennifer knows shes crazy and energetic ..So it wasn’t long before she climes into that great tree, laughing and having a great time just like when we were younger.. on her way down I heard a little “yulp” and then the fast russling of the branches followed by her body and a big “thump”. The unspeakable had happned, she fell out of my tree. I run to her side ( I was watching her from the deck while drinking my coffee) She didn’t move, and it took her a second to start breathing, I call 911 and go get my fiancee, I call her brother and mom to come to my house NOW. It felt like hrs waiting for the squad to arrive. My fiancee was trying to keep her brother and mother calm. We just knew for some reason it wasn’t good. She die a few times on the way to the hospital. While at the hospital they worked on her for a long as they could. But God had already took her. There wasn’t a scratch on her.. all internal. She was 28years old. And would have been 29 on May 13 mother’s day this year.. she went out of this world doing what she did best,… being herself, living life, being carefree and so happy. I just found out im pregnant, we had been trying for the last few months.. I can’t help but think she in heaven had something to do with it.. it brings me comfort in thinking so. Jennifer was my other half, she was the only person in my life who I truly shared Everything with. I look out my windows and see that tree everyday. But I tell myself and others around me that she wouldent want us to be sad and dwell about what happned.. she would want us to be happy, like she was. So the tree is a happy place for me now. She’s with me when im there, I feel her with me all the time. I’ll miss her Everyday for the rest of my life 💕💔

  132. iushnt  May 1, 2018 at 12:57 am Reply

    I lost my friend on 28th April, 2018. She was fighting with secondary breast cancer in brain for two years. She was just 28 and we had a close bonding of friendship since the past 9 yrs. I still don’t want to believe that she is no more. Though she was very strong through the time after her diagnosis, she would be weakened mentally time and again. However, she never let anyone know how weak she gets at times.

    I had so much to gossip with her, had made plans to gift her some really cute stuffs on her birthday, i.e June 16. I so much regret for delaying to gossip and giving her gifts. It is killing me inside. Now after her death, I was going through certain articles to know how to deal with someone fighting with cancer, I learnt that I was doing certain things wrong. I should have read it much earlier and I could have made her more happier in her final days.

    I have been crying time and again alone since a year expecting to lose her soon. But when I actually lose her, I have so much confusion, regret and sorrow in me. I have been crying much louder and don’t want to do anything else rather than recalling my past memories with her. I am thinking how she might have been feeling on the final days, trying to assure that she was not in much pain and trying to analyze if she had a good life overall.

    I pray to god to rest her soul in peace.

  133. iushnt  May 1, 2018 at 12:57 am Reply

    I lost my friend on 28th April, 2018. She was fighting with secondary breast cancer in brain for two years. She was just 28 and we had a close bonding of friendship since the past 9 yrs. I still don’t want to believe that she is no more. Though she was very strong through the time after her diagnosis, she would be weakened mentally time and again. However, she never let anyone know how weak she gets at times.

    I had so much to gossip with her, had made plans to gift her some really cute stuffs on her birthday, i.e June 16. I so much regret for delaying to gossip and giving her gifts. It is killing me inside. Now after her death, I was going through certain articles to know how to deal with someone fighting with cancer, I learnt that I was doing certain things wrong. I should have read it much earlier and I could have made her more happier in her final days.

    I have been crying time and again alone since a year expecting to lose her soon. But when I actually lose her, I have so much confusion, regret and sorrow in me. I have been crying much louder and don’t want to do anything else rather than recalling my past memories with her. I am thinking how she might have been feeling on the final days, trying to assure that she was not in much pain and trying to analyze if she had a good life overall.

    I pray to god to rest her soul in peace.

  134. Lee C  April 29, 2018 at 8:20 pm Reply

    I lost the love of my life March 26. after being in the hospital for a week after a motorcycle wreck. he was going to lose his leg, which he may have been emotionally okay with.. who knows? I gave up our relationship as lovers 25 years ago because I could not live his lifestyle. but i never gave up on him, nor did i ever stop loving him… i never loved again. i went thru the motions of long term relationships, but always felt that my heart was with him. We remained Loves, but not lovers. We were true loves. soul mates. We were always there for each other. we may have taken 2 different paths but our hearts were still as one. We loved each other unconditionally for ever and ever. No one could ever break our bond.

  135. Lee C  April 29, 2018 at 8:20 pm Reply

    I lost the love of my life March 26. after being in the hospital for a week after a motorcycle wreck. he was going to lose his leg, which he may have been emotionally okay with.. who knows? I gave up our relationship as lovers 25 years ago because I could not live his lifestyle. but i never gave up on him, nor did i ever stop loving him… i never loved again. i went thru the motions of long term relationships, but always felt that my heart was with him. We remained Loves, but not lovers. We were true loves. soul mates. We were always there for each other. we may have taken 2 different paths but our hearts were still as one. We loved each other unconditionally for ever and ever. No one could ever break our bond.

    • Linda  December 15, 2018 at 5:04 pm Reply

      Lee, I felt the need to write to you because I had the EXACT same type of relationship for 37 years with my soulmate who passed away unexpectedly 5 weeks ago. I don’t think we have ever gone more than 3 or 4 days without speaking with each other, visiting, later in through Skype and many times we’d talk 2-3 times a day. We never got married because we lived too differently and didn’t ever want to risk losing what we had by getting married. I moved back east where my home was and he stayed in Denver where he was from. The distance never did one thing to lessen our bond. We were meant to be together and lived our lives with joy, and the utmost of joy, laughter and sharing. I had gone on a business trip to Denver to see him and without any notice or warning he developed severe pain and sickness. Spent 6 days in the ICU and passed away the 7th day. There is a master plan for all of us. I was meant to hold his had as he left this life and will forever be grateful that I was there. I miss him with everything I am and am not sure it has even fully hit me yet. Since your post was from quite a few months ago I doubt that you will be seeing this. But out of everyone’s post, yours really hit me. I understand and know the beauty you shared with your soulmate. I hope time is helping you.

    • Linda  January 23, 2019 at 10:49 pm Reply

      I understand your relationship so incredibly. I too had that kind of relationship. He was my soulmate. My forever soulmate. For 37 years. Nothing kept us apart even when we didn’t live physically as close to each other. We talked twice a day. Emailed. Skyped. We just couldn’t live with each other – we lived too differently. But we completed each other. I lost him 3 months ago. I don’t know how to begin this new life without him.

  136. WordPress Gallery Extra  April 27, 2018 at 9:50 pm Reply

    Hi, I think your blog might be having browser compatibility issues.
    When I look at your website in Firefox, it looks fine but when opening in Internet Explorer, it has some overlapping.
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  137. WordPress Gallery Extra  April 27, 2018 at 9:50 pm Reply

    Hi, I think your blog might be having browser compatibility issues.
    When I look at your website in Firefox, it looks fine but when opening in Internet Explorer, it has some overlapping.
    I just wanted to give you a quick heads up!
    Other then that, amazing blog!

  138. Dc  April 25, 2018 at 1:45 pm Reply

    My best friend has taken his own life 3 weeks ago, through years of depression and Mental Illness. We had been best friends for 25 years, yet the last few years his struggles led him to be paranoid and believe I was trying to ruin his life. He convinced himself and his parents nobody liked him, in fact people hated him. This couldn’t be further from the truth, so many people loved him!. He was funny, intelligent, someone I always aspired to be like. I tried to help him so much as did many others but his troubles always got the better of him. It got to the point where he pushed me away so much and I helplessly walked away as everything I did and said seemed to make him only worse. He was sectioned, and spent some time in a hospital but was never really the same. He came to my house many times shouting and screaming about how angry he was with me for no logical reason. Talking nonsense. I just wanted to put my arms around him and comfort him. But I couldn’t, it was liked he hated me and all our years of friendship were just gone. He was taken to the hospital many times by his parents after confessing to them he wanted to die, and then one Sunday night, a public holiday weekend his Dad took him to the local hospital where he told staff he son was suicidal and threatening to kill himself, again. He was told to come back the next day as they did not have the staff to cope with the particular situation as well as being a public holiday. There was no tomorrow for my friend Chris. That night he took his life!.
    I can’t let go, I’m so angry with him but so sad at the same time! I’m so upset that he suffered so much and couldn’t reach out! It’s such a cruel confusing world. I feel like I now feel his pain, the pain he felt which led him to do what he did. Yet I feel relieved that he is no longer enduring what must have been an insufferable pain which lead him to do what he did. The emotions are just too much most days.

  139. Dc  April 25, 2018 at 1:45 pm Reply

    My best friend has taken his own life 3 weeks ago, through years of depression and Mental Illness. We had been best friends for 25 years, yet the last few years his struggles led him to be paranoid and believe I was trying to ruin his life. He convinced himself and his parents nobody liked him, in fact people hated him. This couldn’t be further from the truth, so many people loved him!. He was funny, intelligent, someone I always aspired to be like. I tried to help him so much as did many others but his troubles always got the better of him. It got to the point where he pushed me away so much and I helplessly walked away as everything I did and said seemed to make him only worse. He was sectioned, and spent some time in a hospital but was never really the same. He came to my house many times shouting and screaming about how angry he was with me for no logical reason. Talking nonsense. I just wanted to put my arms around him and comfort him. But I couldn’t, it was liked he hated me and all our years of friendship were just gone. He was taken to the hospital many times by his parents after confessing to them he wanted to die, and then one Sunday night, a public holiday weekend his Dad took him to the local hospital where he told staff he son was suicidal and threatening to kill himself, again. He was told to come back the next day as they did not have the staff to cope with the particular situation as well as being a public holiday. There was no tomorrow for my friend Chris. That night he took his life!.
    I can’t let go, I’m so angry with him but so sad at the same time! I’m so upset that he suffered so much and couldn’t reach out! It’s such a cruel confusing world. I feel like I now feel his pain, the pain he felt which led him to do what he did. Yet I feel relieved that he is no longer enduring what must have been an insufferable pain which lead him to do what he did. The emotions are just too much most days.

  140. Nori  April 18, 2018 at 9:03 am Reply

    My best friend AND god sister was killed a few years ago, and I still feel like my heart is broken. Of course, I made other friends sinse then, but many people don’t understand. One girl was talking about Pretty Little Liars, and was joking around saying, ” What would you do, If your best friend was killed?” I really don’t want to tell anyone what happened, but then I was about to scream, “SHE WAS!” I totally am thinking of all of you who went through what I went through. I am still very young and lost my freind when she was only six and I was five, but that dosen’t delute the pain I still feel today.

  141. Nori  April 18, 2018 at 9:03 am Reply

    My best friend AND god sister was killed a few years ago, and I still feel like my heart is broken. Of course, I made other friends sinse then, but many people don’t understand. One girl was talking about Pretty Little Liars, and was joking around saying, ” What would you do, If your best friend was killed?” I really don’t want to tell anyone what happened, but then I was about to scream, “SHE WAS!” I totally am thinking of all of you who went through what I went through. I am still very young and lost my freind when she was only six and I was five, but that dosen’t delute the pain I still feel today.

  142. Savannah  April 17, 2018 at 9:45 am Reply

    I am not good at getting close to anyone really…my best friend was killed over money or drugs or both i keep tryin to figure out why and the why is something he had nothing to do with. three years before he died on jan 11, 2018 he swore arian nation was gonna kill him for somethin he didnt even do. and sure enough it seems like they have. and some of who are involved were his close friends…he was my only friend when he died cuz all my other friends shut me out for bein his friend and refusing to give up on him cuz even though he was a shitty friend he was honest about it and always made it up to me by giving me his time and friendship…from stealing 200 dollars from me to leaving me stranded numerous times his catch phrase was “stay mad or get over it, we are still friends.” and we were cuz despite all that if he called i was right there except the day he died. i had gotten where i couldnt take anymore emotionally and mentally and abandoned him to go to crossville where my granny lived when i didnt wanna stay there by myself i spent two days tryin to get my ex who was also his brother to come get me on jan 10 i got frank to meet me in cookeville and bring me home but the next day it was too late to make up too late to make sure he was ok too late to save him. i never got to say sorry for leaving or for breaking his heart i never got to show him all the things i wrote to and about him that he never knew i wrote. the foundation of our friendship was silence and getting lost when our families seemed to hate us…he was always the realest friend i had made sure i knew i was a good girl and deserved the best but i never cared i was in love with him and he felt the same but our friendship always came first so we just stayed friends mostly cuz im sure im psychotic and he could only handle me in doses when we were around other people but when it was just us you would think we were friends who grew up together cuz we werent afraid to tell eachother the truth even when it hurt thats why he was my best friend cuz he made sure i always knew the truth and he was one of a kind cuz i never had another friend like him and now i lost him and now i dont have anyone to telll me im trippin or to go to rehab cuz im so bad off i cant write him when hes in jail anymore im never gonna get that call where i drop everything to rush to make sure he is safe and not stranded. he will never walk through my door again doin the dishes for us my mom will never have that one kid she took in as hers and the song what ifs by kane brown that he said described us perfectly is goin to haunt me the rest of my life…….

  143. Savannah  April 17, 2018 at 9:45 am Reply

    I am not good at getting close to anyone really…my best friend was killed over money or drugs or both i keep tryin to figure out why and the why is something he had nothing to do with. three years before he died on jan 11, 2018 he swore arian nation was gonna kill him for somethin he didnt even do. and sure enough it seems like they have. and some of who are involved were his close friends…he was my only friend when he died cuz all my other friends shut me out for bein his friend and refusing to give up on him cuz even though he was a shitty friend he was honest about it and always made it up to me by giving me his time and friendship…from stealing 200 dollars from me to leaving me stranded numerous times his catch phrase was “stay mad or get over it, we are still friends.” and we were cuz despite all that if he called i was right there except the day he died. i had gotten where i couldnt take anymore emotionally and mentally and abandoned him to go to crossville where my granny lived when i didnt wanna stay there by myself i spent two days tryin to get my ex who was also his brother to come get me on jan 10 i got frank to meet me in cookeville and bring me home but the next day it was too late to make up too late to make sure he was ok too late to save him. i never got to say sorry for leaving or for breaking his heart i never got to show him all the things i wrote to and about him that he never knew i wrote. the foundation of our friendship was silence and getting lost when our families seemed to hate us…he was always the realest friend i had made sure i knew i was a good girl and deserved the best but i never cared i was in love with him and he felt the same but our friendship always came first so we just stayed friends mostly cuz im sure im psychotic and he could only handle me in doses when we were around other people but when it was just us you would think we were friends who grew up together cuz we werent afraid to tell eachother the truth even when it hurt thats why he was my best friend cuz he made sure i always knew the truth and he was one of a kind cuz i never had another friend like him and now i lost him and now i dont have anyone to telll me im trippin or to go to rehab cuz im so bad off i cant write him when hes in jail anymore im never gonna get that call where i drop everything to rush to make sure he is safe and not stranded. he will never walk through my door again doin the dishes for us my mom will never have that one kid she took in as hers and the song what ifs by kane brown that he said described us perfectly is goin to haunt me the rest of my life…….

  144. caitlyn mayrand  April 10, 2018 at 8:59 pm Reply

    Last year lots A frind that save my life when I was a baby he was a Emt that save my life I was Rally cloess to

  145. caitlyn mayrand  April 10, 2018 at 8:59 pm Reply

    Last year lots A frind that save my life when I was a baby he was a Emt that save my life I was Rally cloess to

  146. Diana  April 9, 2018 at 4:56 am Reply

    It’s been almost two months that my best friend died. We’ve been going to church, I am not a religious person but just her family have been very kind to me, I can’t let them down just because I don’t believe in any god. I know them for so many years and I feel they are the only ones who understand my pain. I wanted so bad to dream about her, after her accident I wasn’t able to do it until last week, she kind of made fun of me because I told her I have been crying so much, she looked just like the last day we spend time together.
    I had to go to therapy and he asked me to let her go and I know I have to do it but at the same time I don’t want to, it’s like realizing she’s actually gone. I’ve cried every day and it’s not like I want to, it just happen.
    I keep messaging her as often as I can and it’s sad to accept that she won’t reply ever again.
    I miss her so much!
    I will always need her in my life and I don’t know how to face the fact that I won’t see her again.
    Te extraño, te quiero y te necesito ITA.

  147. Diana  April 9, 2018 at 4:56 am Reply

    It’s been almost two months that my best friend died. We’ve been going to church, I am not a religious person but just her family have been very kind to me, I can’t let them down just because I don’t believe in any god. I know them for so many years and I feel they are the only ones who understand my pain. I wanted so bad to dream about her, after her accident I wasn’t able to do it until last week, she kind of made fun of me because I told her I have been crying so much, she looked just like the last day we spend time together.
    I had to go to therapy and he asked me to let her go and I know I have to do it but at the same time I don’t want to, it’s like realizing she’s actually gone. I’ve cried every day and it’s not like I want to, it just happen.
    I keep messaging her as often as I can and it’s sad to accept that she won’t reply ever again.
    I miss her so much!
    I will always need her in my life and I don’t know how to face the fact that I won’t see her again.
    Te extraño, te quiero y te necesito ITA.

  148. Joshh  April 7, 2018 at 5:22 pm Reply

    Hi, i’m reading all of those stories and crying from the pain. I lose my friend in 3 March 2018. He was fighting with one kind of tumor for two years and i did’t know. I know him form high school and we talked one time too much for 3 years. We have sympathy in each other but because of our family we couldn’t be together. Still he was my best friend even we were so different. He always told me everything about his family even that i never meet them and we share to many secrets. He wrote me in this September and after i ask him how are you he did’t replay to me. I’m dying from the pain and my family don’t understand that. I went today to his parents but my pain is growing everyday. I feel to much regret and this is killing me. I really love him even i’m not good with words and i never told him. Everyone here thinks that i’m overreacting but saying the truth i’m dying inside .

  149. Joshh  April 7, 2018 at 5:22 pm Reply

    Hi, i’m reading all of those stories and crying from the pain. I lose my friend in 3 March 2018. He was fighting with one kind of tumor for two years and i did’t know. I know him form high school and we talked one time too much for 3 years. We have sympathy in each other but because of our family we couldn’t be together. Still he was my best friend even we were so different. He always told me everything about his family even that i never meet them and we share to many secrets. He wrote me in this September and after i ask him how are you he did’t replay to me. I’m dying from the pain and my family don’t understand that. I went today to his parents but my pain is growing everyday. I feel to much regret and this is killing me. I really love him even i’m not good with words and i never told him. Everyone here thinks that i’m overreacting but saying the truth i’m dying inside .

  150. rabbit  April 7, 2018 at 5:10 pm Reply

    My best friend died suddenly 11 days ago. The grief I feel is very strong. He was my confidante, my buddy, my rock, my everything. I still can’t believe I will never see him or talk to him again. Part of me thinks this is a bad joke and he will text me tonight. I miss him so much. It is very true that others don’t recognize the loss of a friend as they do other losses. His death has hit me harder than other deaths I have experienced and I’m not sure why.

  151. rabbit  April 7, 2018 at 5:10 pm Reply

    My best friend died suddenly 11 days ago. The grief I feel is very strong. He was my confidante, my buddy, my rock, my everything. I still can’t believe I will never see him or talk to him again. Part of me thinks this is a bad joke and he will text me tonight. I miss him so much. It is very true that others don’t recognize the loss of a friend as they do other losses. His death has hit me harder than other deaths I have experienced and I’m not sure why.

  152. Karabo  April 7, 2018 at 12:15 am Reply

    My best friend died November 2017, it’s been 5 months and the pain still cuts deep. However on the other side people feel like you taking too long to grieve, can’t you be over it? People don’t realize that family is not just blood. My friend was like a sister to me. She was my kids’ Godmother and good at it. She was my rock, my pillar of strength and my confidant. No other person had my back and believed in me like she did, not even my family. So the hole that she left in my heart in my life is just too big. I’m attending a Group Share session at church but I feel it’s not reaching to me. It’s too family centric about death and not really reaching to me and what I’m going through. I just wish grieving for a friend was not overlooked like currently is. I wish people understood exactly how it is like, and don’t rush me to finish grieving, I wish they could be more supportive instead of rushing me to get over it

  153. Karabo  April 7, 2018 at 12:15 am Reply

    My best friend died November 2017, it’s been 5 months and the pain still cuts deep. However on the other side people feel like you taking too long to grieve, can’t you be over it? People don’t realize that family is not just blood. My friend was like a sister to me. She was my kids’ Godmother and good at it. She was my rock, my pillar of strength and my confidant. No other person had my back and believed in me like she did, not even my family. So the hole that she left in my heart in my life is just too big. I’m attending a Group Share session at church but I feel it’s not reaching to me. It’s too family centric about death and not really reaching to me and what I’m going through. I just wish grieving for a friend was not overlooked like currently is. I wish people understood exactly how it is like, and don’t rush me to finish grieving, I wish they could be more supportive instead of rushing me to get over it

  154. Beaty  April 6, 2018 at 1:31 am Reply

    I lost my best friend to sickle cell anaemia last year. He was the only one I could talk to. And I mean the only one who took me through my tough times. My heart still hurts, I still send him messages whenever I need someone to talk to, I still tell him how my day went and rough patches I go through. Life is never the same without you Isaac. I am torn apart and unsure of many things. You were my strength, my advisor and a shoulder to lean on when things got too tense. I love you and hope to see you someday.

  155. Beaty  April 6, 2018 at 1:31 am Reply

    I lost my best friend to sickle cell anaemia last year. He was the only one I could talk to. And I mean the only one who took me through my tough times. My heart still hurts, I still send him messages whenever I need someone to talk to, I still tell him how my day went and rough patches I go through. Life is never the same without you Isaac. I am torn apart and unsure of many things. You were my strength, my advisor and a shoulder to lean on when things got too tense. I love you and hope to see you someday.

  156. Jennie  April 3, 2018 at 8:32 am Reply

    In March 16 th my soul mate and best friend died very very unexpected. She had a form of leukemia that is very subtle and had no symptoms and hemmoraged in her brain. I am in a weird state of emotion. Like I am in a bad dream. She was a part of my soul and I want to call her and say , guess what happened! But I can’t cuz it was her it happened to!
    I think I am still in shock and it is so hard to process. I don’t know what I will do without her. She was my other half. I feel overwhelmed and empty at the same time.

  157. Jennie  April 3, 2018 at 8:32 am Reply

    In March 16 th my soul mate and best friend died very very unexpected. She had a form of leukemia that is very subtle and had no symptoms and hemmoraged in her brain. I am in a weird state of emotion. Like I am in a bad dream. She was a part of my soul and I want to call her and say , guess what happened! But I can’t cuz it was her it happened to!
    I think I am still in shock and it is so hard to process. I don’t know what I will do without her. She was my other half. I feel overwhelmed and empty at the same time.

  158. Just me  April 1, 2018 at 3:06 pm Reply

    I lost my friend,been together for 50 years,since infant school.Can’t get over it,miss him so much. Part of the family,kids and grandkids loved him.Did everything together,Football,motorbikes and loads of drinking.My phone has never been so quiet.

  159. Just me  April 1, 2018 at 3:06 pm Reply

    I lost my friend,been together for 50 years,since infant school.Can’t get over it,miss him so much. Part of the family,kids and grandkids loved him.Did everything together,Football,motorbikes and loads of drinking.My phone has never been so quiet.

  160. Kevin F  March 31, 2018 at 7:11 pm Reply

    Hi Everyone,

    I have been reading a lot of your comments recently and share many of emotions that are affecting you all. They’re all heart breaking to read, most of you share very descriptive/positive memories that you cherish. Some of you are suffering very recent losses (Len, Diane, Chelsea) while others (Manette) have had more time to reflect and heal a little. Let me take a moment to give you a background about how I found this website.

    In early January I found out that a childhood friend of mine passed away, we had lost touch in recent years but from time to time we would reconnect and play basketball etc…. He died the night he returned from a new years trip to New York to visit his sister’s family. He returned home from his flight, went to sleep and didn’t wake up. His cause of death is still very unclear.

    After I went home from attending his funeral, I reflected on my past 6 years. Since 2011, I have lost 4 friends from the ages of 25-31. Two of those friends I was very close to and two of those friends committed suicide. Needless to say, I have been to way too many funerals lately for friends who passed away way too young.

    I can tell you all that I have cycled through the devastating feelings that most of you are enduring right now. You are so emotionally damaged that your heart feels miles away, you feel like nothing matters and no matter what anybody says or does for you, your heart sinks deeper and deeper everyday.

    This is all very normal and it is something that will subside over time. YesI know, the pain is unbearable right now. It hurts to look at pictures and read past messages (I would still do it if I didn’t switch phones), when you do, the floodgates open. One step that everyone here has done for their grieving process is find this site. It is very important to talk to someone about your feelings, this website is a very public forum yet this thread is very specific to our needs at the moment. Keep posting here and sharing how you feel, no matter how brief it is. Another step you can take when you’re ready is talking to someone verbally. You can talk to a friend, family member or even a therapist if you .

    Your broken heart will start to repair over time, it doesn’t seem that way, but I promise it will. However, you will never heal completely, but this is NOT a BAD thing. You see, the death of a best friend will NEVER be forgotten (as it should not), this moment in your life has been cemented in your life. As time passes and we build on current and new relationships, our heart will mend, the hole in our heart will get smaller. It may take a year or many years, but one day you will look back on your time with your best friend and feel joy over sadness. You will get misty eyed when you recall all the fond memories you both had, but that just represents the strong bond that you both had. Personally, I still feel a combination of guilt and ungodly sadness when I think about the losses I have had recently (in particular two close friends), it is a process. But I know and I assure you all that things will get better if you let it. Slowly reach out when you’re ready. It’s okay to break down wherever and whenever because we don’t know when or where we will be when we see or hear something that reminds us of our best friend. Even though none of us know each other, I feel like we are all connected to each other, I’m here for you guys.

    I hope this post helps some of you,

    Kevin

  161. Kevin F  March 31, 2018 at 7:11 pm Reply

    Hi Everyone,

    I have been reading a lot of your comments recently and share many of emotions that are affecting you all. They’re all heart breaking to read, most of you share very descriptive/positive memories that you cherish. Some of you are suffering very recent losses (Len, Diane, Chelsea) while others (Manette) have had more time to reflect and heal a little. Let me take a moment to give you a background about how I found this website.

    In early January I found out that a childhood friend of mine passed away, we had lost touch in recent years but from time to time we would reconnect and play basketball etc…. He died the night he returned from a new years trip to New York to visit his sister’s family. He returned home from his flight, went to sleep and didn’t wake up. His cause of death is still very unclear.

    After I went home from attending his funeral, I reflected on my past 6 years. Since 2011, I have lost 4 friends from the ages of 25-31. Two of those friends I was very close to and two of those friends committed suicide. Needless to say, I have been to way too many funerals lately for friends who passed away way too young.

    I can tell you all that I have cycled through the devastating feelings that most of you are enduring right now. You are so emotionally damaged that your heart feels miles away, you feel like nothing matters and no matter what anybody says or does for you, your heart sinks deeper and deeper everyday.

    This is all very normal and it is something that will subside over time. YesI know, the pain is unbearable right now. It hurts to look at pictures and read past messages (I would still do it if I didn’t switch phones), when you do, the floodgates open. One step that everyone here has done for their grieving process is find this site. It is very important to talk to someone about your feelings, this website is a very public forum yet this thread is very specific to our needs at the moment. Keep posting here and sharing how you feel, no matter how brief it is. Another step you can take when you’re ready is talking to someone verbally. You can talk to a friend, family member or even a therapist if you .

    Your broken heart will start to repair over time, it doesn’t seem that way, but I promise it will. However, you will never heal completely, but this is NOT a BAD thing. You see, the death of a best friend will NEVER be forgotten (as it should not), this moment in your life has been cemented in your life. As time passes and we build on current and new relationships, our heart will mend, the hole in our heart will get smaller. It may take a year or many years, but one day you will look back on your time with your best friend and feel joy over sadness. You will get misty eyed when you recall all the fond memories you both had, but that just represents the strong bond that you both had. Personally, I still feel a combination of guilt and ungodly sadness when I think about the losses I have had recently (in particular two close friends), it is a process. But I know and I assure you all that things will get better if you let it. Slowly reach out when you’re ready. It’s okay to break down wherever and whenever because we don’t know when or where we will be when we see or hear something that reminds us of our best friend. Even though none of us know each other, I feel like we are all connected to each other, I’m here for you guys.

    I hope this post helps some of you,

    Kevin

  162. Len  March 19, 2018 at 8:16 pm Reply

    I’m here because I lost my friend who is like a sister to me on March 11, 2018 due to a Rheumatic Heart disease. Just a few minutes ago I cried in my work station… I couldn’t help it. After her death, I would cry at anytime at any given situation. Sometimes I’m okay, but when the pain comes, it feels like I’m being drowned with grief, pain, lonliness and guilt. She wa suffering from this disease years before her death, but it only became worse last Feb.2017 after she has giveb birth. I was shocked wheb I found out that all 4 valves of her heart has some blockage. She needed surgery and she needed it soon. The last time I saw her was on October 2017, it was her daugther’s baptismal, she was so thin like just the shadow of what she used to be, but still very pretty. That day we only got to talk a few times because she was so busy and we couldn’t talk so much in the church. A few days after the baptismal, I startes e-mailing and messaging different organizations that could help her, I tried the open heart organization, but sadly they couldn’t operate on her because they don’t have a mission in my country. But even though I have not finished reading the response of the organization I already burst to tears, I thought it was good news that finally she will have that surgery, so I cried and cried, I had trouble breathing and I was shaking. I really want that surgery for her you see, she’s the best person I’ve ever known. She was my light and my sister from another mom. I feel so guilty that I was not able to finish the gofund me page or facebook page we started for her. I feel so guilty for not talking to her often and for not seeing her all those years. Our friendship started I guess when I was 23 or 24, I am 32 now. But I knew her from my sister because they are friends first from college. We came to live together because she does not have any place to stay with when she was working at the Airport. So I took her in, I would say that has been the best decision I’ve ever made. We would eat outside after her work, and when it’s my off, we would take home the street foods and sing and listen to some Christian songs because she’d like to be a Christian at that time. We would talk about the bible and other important and mundane things in the world. We would laugh at each other for the littlest things, she’ll cook and I’ll eat. Gosh I miss her so much! Over the years we would still communicate through google hangout, messenger and text. She never failed to greet me on my Birthday, but I forget hers sometimes. I feel like I’ve let her down when she died, I feel so responsible for her….but now it’s too late!!!! She’s been gone for more than week and all my plans for her will never be. I am so hurt and lost, like you, I lost my will to do anything and at times I thought maybe dying isnt a bad idea afterall. If I die, I know she will be there for me. I miss her so…..I love you Armafel. My sister.

  163. Len  March 19, 2018 at 8:16 pm Reply

    I’m here because I lost my friend who is like a sister to me on March 11, 2018 due to a Rheumatic Heart disease. Just a few minutes ago I cried in my work station… I couldn’t help it. After her death, I would cry at anytime at any given situation. Sometimes I’m okay, but when the pain comes, it feels like I’m being drowned with grief, pain, lonliness and guilt. She wa suffering from this disease years before her death, but it only became worse last Feb.2017 after she has giveb birth. I was shocked wheb I found out that all 4 valves of her heart has some blockage. She needed surgery and she needed it soon. The last time I saw her was on October 2017, it was her daugther’s baptismal, she was so thin like just the shadow of what she used to be, but still very pretty. That day we only got to talk a few times because she was so busy and we couldn’t talk so much in the church. A few days after the baptismal, I startes e-mailing and messaging different organizations that could help her, I tried the open heart organization, but sadly they couldn’t operate on her because they don’t have a mission in my country. But even though I have not finished reading the response of the organization I already burst to tears, I thought it was good news that finally she will have that surgery, so I cried and cried, I had trouble breathing and I was shaking. I really want that surgery for her you see, she’s the best person I’ve ever known. She was my light and my sister from another mom. I feel so guilty that I was not able to finish the gofund me page or facebook page we started for her. I feel so guilty for not talking to her often and for not seeing her all those years. Our friendship started I guess when I was 23 or 24, I am 32 now. But I knew her from my sister because they are friends first from college. We came to live together because she does not have any place to stay with when she was working at the Airport. So I took her in, I would say that has been the best decision I’ve ever made. We would eat outside after her work, and when it’s my off, we would take home the street foods and sing and listen to some Christian songs because she’d like to be a Christian at that time. We would talk about the bible and other important and mundane things in the world. We would laugh at each other for the littlest things, she’ll cook and I’ll eat. Gosh I miss her so much! Over the years we would still communicate through google hangout, messenger and text. She never failed to greet me on my Birthday, but I forget hers sometimes. I feel like I’ve let her down when she died, I feel so responsible for her….but now it’s too late!!!! She’s been gone for more than week and all my plans for her will never be. I am so hurt and lost, like you, I lost my will to do anything and at times I thought maybe dying isnt a bad idea afterall. If I die, I know she will be there for me. I miss her so…..I love you Armafel. My sister.

  164. Morris Coville  March 19, 2018 at 2:22 am Reply

    I lost my best friend of 47 years Feb 9,2017. Dennis and I met when we were thirteen and from day one were like family. He was my constant companion through thick and thin. When I turned eighteen and moved to another state, he followed. When I married and my son came along I named him after my friend. Dennis was always there if I needed him and I was there for him. When he died, he was living just across the street from my house. He was single and had a room mate. I came down with the flu and could not visit him for fear of giving him the bug. That would have been a disaster as he had a liver transplant ten years earlier and was on drugs to suppress his immune system. His room mate left for the weekend and when they returned they came running to my house to tell me they had found my friend dead in his room. I went over to see if he might still be alive and found him there in his bed, eyes still open. I will never forget how I felt seeing him and knowing it would be the last time I would ever see him again. We found out he had died alone and been dead for two days. I was crushed. I am still crushed and feel alone and lost. I have lost interest in everything and it just seems like each day is an effort to get through. I find myself breaking out in tears for no reason at all. It just comes on when I least expect it. I feel like I let my friend down by not being there when he needed me the most. I was sick and knew to stay away until I got better but I still feel guilty for not being with him and possibly helping him. I miss him more than I can say and I know there will never be another like him. I wish somehow I could just have a few minutes more with him so I could tell him how much he meant to me and how important he was in my life. It’s been over a year since he passed on and it still feels like yesterday. Seems like I will never get past this.

  165. Morris Coville  March 19, 2018 at 2:22 am Reply

    I lost my best friend of 47 years Feb 9,2017. Dennis and I met when we were thirteen and from day one were like family. He was my constant companion through thick and thin. When I turned eighteen and moved to another state, he followed. When I married and my son came along I named him after my friend. Dennis was always there if I needed him and I was there for him. When he died, he was living just across the street from my house. He was single and had a room mate. I came down with the flu and could not visit him for fear of giving him the bug. That would have been a disaster as he had a liver transplant ten years earlier and was on drugs to suppress his immune system. His room mate left for the weekend and when they returned they came running to my house to tell me they had found my friend dead in his room. I went over to see if he might still be alive and found him there in his bed, eyes still open. I will never forget how I felt seeing him and knowing it would be the last time I would ever see him again. We found out he had died alone and been dead for two days. I was crushed. I am still crushed and feel alone and lost. I have lost interest in everything and it just seems like each day is an effort to get through. I find myself breaking out in tears for no reason at all. It just comes on when I least expect it. I feel like I let my friend down by not being there when he needed me the most. I was sick and knew to stay away until I got better but I still feel guilty for not being with him and possibly helping him. I miss him more than I can say and I know there will never be another like him. I wish somehow I could just have a few minutes more with him so I could tell him how much he meant to me and how important he was in my life. It’s been over a year since he passed on and it still feels like yesterday. Seems like I will never get past this.

  166. K  March 16, 2018 at 9:57 pm Reply

    My best friend was my rock. I will miss you my friend. We were friends for 42 years. We once lived together but we were more like sister and brother so we put that to an end. We continued to be friends all these years. It bothers me that he died alone on his kitchen floor after being very ill for a couple of years. I called that day 3 different times. The following morning he still didn’t answer so I checked with the hospital before contacting another friend who lived close to him. The police did a wellness check and my friend said he found him on the kitchen floor. I kick myself for not moving sooner. He was in such pain and now he is not. How are we to know when our friend is about to die? We don’t. We should not hold ourselves responsible because God has decided to rescue him from pain. I find it hard to cry because I am in disbelief and I don’t know how long it will take before I accept the fact that my dear friend is really, really, gone. I really, really loved him.

  167. K  March 16, 2018 at 9:57 pm Reply

    My best friend was my rock. I will miss you my friend. We were friends for 42 years. We once lived together but we were more like sister and brother so we put that to an end. We continued to be friends all these years. It bothers me that he died alone on his kitchen floor after being very ill for a couple of years. I called that day 3 different times. The following morning he still didn’t answer so I checked with the hospital before contacting another friend who lived close to him. The police did a wellness check and my friend said he found him on the kitchen floor. I kick myself for not moving sooner. He was in such pain and now he is not. How are we to know when our friend is about to die? We don’t. We should not hold ourselves responsible because God has decided to rescue him from pain. I find it hard to cry because I am in disbelief and I don’t know how long it will take before I accept the fact that my dear friend is really, really, gone. I really, really loved him.

    • Linda  January 23, 2019 at 11:02 pm Reply

      I totally understand. I too had a best friend, rock, soulmate as yours was to you. He and I shared our lives together and then physically apart but our hearts were always together. We spoke every day. Sometimes twice a day. We visited. We shared our lives for 37 years. And unexpectedly, he passed away. I really can’t imagine yet that he really is gone. It has been 3 months. Am I in denial? I didn’t think so, but I just cannot picture what life is going to be like without him.

  168. Chelsea  March 14, 2018 at 6:45 pm Reply

    On February 10, 2018 I lost my best friend. His name is Malik. He was 19. I lost him to suicide. He went out into his backyard and shot himself in the head. He was pronounced dead about 4 hours later. I don’t know how to deal with this. Its been over a month, but I still cry everyday. He was my go-to, my Freaky Maliky. I don’t think he realized how much we all care about him. I love him with all my heart and I should’ve told him that more. He always helped me when I was depressed, but never talked to anyone when he was. I knew he was depressed, I just didn’t think it was as bad as it was. He dropped everything one day and drove an hour just to take me to Chipotle when I got into a fight with my mom. That was only about 3 weeks before he died. I don’t know how to handle that im never going to sit in his bed and watch movies anymore. Hes never gonna make anymore jokes about sending nudes again. We are never gonna go to that damn apple orchard and miss all the activities, and end up going to get coffee and pizza instead. That happened 2 years in a row. It was a tradition at that point. Hes not going to be at friends Christmas anymore. I don’t know how we are supposed to have friends Christmas anymore if hes not there. This was supposed to be our summer together before everyone went their separate ways to college or the military. How am I supposed to enjoy anything without him? He was my boy. He still is my boy, and I miss him so fucking much and I don’t know how to handle it. How am I supposed to go from talking to him and seeing him everyday, to never talking to him again? And I want to be so mad at him, but how can I be when I know exactly how he felt. All of us have depression, that’s why we all got along so well. All we did was joke about how much we wanted to die to mask the fact that we did want to. Humor is all of our coping mechanism. One time we took a fucking poll on who we thought would kill themselves first out of everyone in the group. He was not who we thought it was going to be. The only time ive ever been mad at him is when I listen to 1-800-273-8255 by Logic, because Malik knew every word to that song and had memorized the phone number as a joke. He even carried around a card with the number on it that they gave out at my school, and he would give it to people as a joke. I cant even listen to love songs the same. because they all seem like they are about him now. “for him.” by Troye Sivan really gets to me. a verse it “jump starting your car ’cause the cities a bore, buying e-cigarettes at the convenience store” Towards the end his car would need jumped like once a week because of how shitty it was. No matter how shitty it was, ill always love it. I spent the better half of the last 3 years in that car. On his 18th birthday we went to our job because we both worked at a resturaunt/store at the time. He bought an e-cig just because he could now, and he got so pissed off when they didn’t ID him. Another verse was “We take jokes way too far, and sometimes livings too hard” We always took jokes way too far. He was half black, half Mexican. And most of his friends were white girls. He would always try to get us to say racial slurs, which is too far, but that’s just how he was. And we are all depressed teens. Living is too hard for all of us, especially now. I dont know how to be okay again. I know its gonna take a while, but im so over crying and being sad and I know that’s not how it works but im just so fucking sad.

  169. Chelsea  March 14, 2018 at 6:45 pm Reply

    On February 10, 2018 I lost my best friend. His name is Malik. He was 19. I lost him to suicide. He went out into his backyard and shot himself in the head. He was pronounced dead about 4 hours later. I don’t know how to deal with this. Its been over a month, but I still cry everyday. He was my go-to, my Freaky Maliky. I don’t think he realized how much we all care about him. I love him with all my heart and I should’ve told him that more. He always helped me when I was depressed, but never talked to anyone when he was. I knew he was depressed, I just didn’t think it was as bad as it was. He dropped everything one day and drove an hour just to take me to Chipotle when I got into a fight with my mom. That was only about 3 weeks before he died. I don’t know how to handle that im never going to sit in his bed and watch movies anymore. Hes never gonna make anymore jokes about sending nudes again. We are never gonna go to that damn apple orchard and miss all the activities, and end up going to get coffee and pizza instead. That happened 2 years in a row. It was a tradition at that point. Hes not going to be at friends Christmas anymore. I don’t know how we are supposed to have friends Christmas anymore if hes not there. This was supposed to be our summer together before everyone went their separate ways to college or the military. How am I supposed to enjoy anything without him? He was my boy. He still is my boy, and I miss him so fucking much and I don’t know how to handle it. How am I supposed to go from talking to him and seeing him everyday, to never talking to him again? And I want to be so mad at him, but how can I be when I know exactly how he felt. All of us have depression, that’s why we all got along so well. All we did was joke about how much we wanted to die to mask the fact that we did want to. Humor is all of our coping mechanism. One time we took a fucking poll on who we thought would kill themselves first out of everyone in the group. He was not who we thought it was going to be. The only time ive ever been mad at him is when I listen to 1-800-273-8255 by Logic, because Malik knew every word to that song and had memorized the phone number as a joke. He even carried around a card with the number on it that they gave out at my school, and he would give it to people as a joke. I cant even listen to love songs the same. because they all seem like they are about him now. “for him.” by Troye Sivan really gets to me. a verse it “jump starting your car ’cause the cities a bore, buying e-cigarettes at the convenience store” Towards the end his car would need jumped like once a week because of how shitty it was. No matter how shitty it was, ill always love it. I spent the better half of the last 3 years in that car. On his 18th birthday we went to our job because we both worked at a resturaunt/store at the time. He bought an e-cig just because he could now, and he got so pissed off when they didn’t ID him. Another verse was “We take jokes way too far, and sometimes livings too hard” We always took jokes way too far. He was half black, half Mexican. And most of his friends were white girls. He would always try to get us to say racial slurs, which is too far, but that’s just how he was. And we are all depressed teens. Living is too hard for all of us, especially now. I dont know how to be okay again. I know its gonna take a while, but im so over crying and being sad and I know that’s not how it works but im just so fucking sad.

  170. Brianna  March 2, 2018 at 12:55 pm Reply

    I’m crying as I type this as well…. January 30th, 2018 God called my best friend and her sister home. I’ve been friends with Tonieadra for over 7 years. We shared very special moments with each other. We both became pregnant in high school & graduated with our class among the statics. I was with her when she delivered my god child, (Her daughter). I hid in the closet while she gave birth… She was by my side for my wedding in 2015. Those are just a few moments I thank god for allowing her in my life. It was an honor being her best friend. Through the laughs, arguments and fights our friendship always stayed strong. I’ll never meet another Tonieadra. Tuesday January 30th Tonieadra was taking her sister Tierra to high school when they ran off the road and hit a tree. Then died…. When my best friend left apart of me went with her. She was my other half.. What hurts the most is because 2 days prior we were talking about our friendship and how much we loved each other. I decided to buy friendship necklaces which had our initials on it. When I told her she was excited and said “awww, we never had a friendship thing before an can I please move back to Ga.” currently I moved from her because my husband is in the military… but that didn’t stop our friendship. She’s drove 9 hours to visit me in my new state. Not once but twice in the same year. She was one of my realist friends. I’ll never forget about her. I’m still in shock & I cry almost everyday. I’m really taking this hard. One day I wanted to just go to heaven already. I can’t believe I won’t be able to grow old with her & watch her get married. That’s all she ever talked about…. she wanted to have more kids. She just got promoted at work. Her life was really getting started. We are only 22 years old. And haven’t really lived. And her poor sister was only 17years old. Didn’t make it to graduation or prom. I understand everything happens for a reason. And this life isn’t permanent. But sometimes I wonder why them.

  171. Brianna  March 2, 2018 at 12:55 pm Reply

    I’m crying as I type this as well…. January 30th, 2018 God called my best friend and her sister home. I’ve been friends with Tonieadra for over 7 years. We shared very special moments with each other. We both became pregnant in high school & graduated with our class among the statics. I was with her when she delivered my god child, (Her daughter). I hid in the closet while she gave birth… She was by my side for my wedding in 2015. Those are just a few moments I thank god for allowing her in my life. It was an honor being her best friend. Through the laughs, arguments and fights our friendship always stayed strong. I’ll never meet another Tonieadra. Tuesday January 30th Tonieadra was taking her sister Tierra to high school when they ran off the road and hit a tree. Then died…. When my best friend left apart of me went with her. She was my other half.. What hurts the most is because 2 days prior we were talking about our friendship and how much we loved each other. I decided to buy friendship necklaces which had our initials on it. When I told her she was excited and said “awww, we never had a friendship thing before an can I please move back to Ga.” currently I moved from her because my husband is in the military… but that didn’t stop our friendship. She’s drove 9 hours to visit me in my new state. Not once but twice in the same year. She was one of my realist friends. I’ll never forget about her. I’m still in shock & I cry almost everyday. I’m really taking this hard. One day I wanted to just go to heaven already. I can’t believe I won’t be able to grow old with her & watch her get married. That’s all she ever talked about…. she wanted to have more kids. She just got promoted at work. Her life was really getting started. We are only 22 years old. And haven’t really lived. And her poor sister was only 17years old. Didn’t make it to graduation or prom. I understand everything happens for a reason. And this life isn’t permanent. But sometimes I wonder why them.

  172. Toni Valenzuela  February 27, 2018 at 2:28 am Reply

    As I write this my eyes are filled with tears. I lost my best friend Elliot on Febuary 12th, 2018, he was in a car accident on his way home. He was in the hospital since December 14th, 2017. I spoke to his sister and Dad all the way through and I kept hearing that he was getting better, I never expect to here that he didn’t make it ?. We went to high school together, though we were never classmate, we became friends so randomly and he was the best friend I ever had. We spoke literally almost every single day. I knew his secrets, weakness, dreams and he knew mine. I just can’t cope with him not being around anymore, and every time I think about him I just start crying. Sometimes I feel like I’m forgetting about him and that I’m a bad friend because I don’t want to think about it too much. Tonight I thought about it the heaviest and I cried so much I couldn’t breathe. It’s never easy losing a friend, he’s the closest person I have ever lost.

  173. Toni Valenzuela  February 27, 2018 at 2:28 am Reply

    As I write this my eyes are filled with tears. I lost my best friend Elliot on Febuary 12th, 2018, he was in a car accident on his way home. He was in the hospital since December 14th, 2017. I spoke to his sister and Dad all the way through and I kept hearing that he was getting better, I never expect to here that he didn’t make it 😭. We went to high school together, though we were never classmate, we became friends so randomly and he was the best friend I ever had. We spoke literally almost every single day. I knew his secrets, weakness, dreams and he knew mine. I just can’t cope with him not being around anymore, and every time I think about him I just start crying. Sometimes I feel like I’m forgetting about him and that I’m a bad friend because I don’t want to think about it too much. Tonight I thought about it the heaviest and I cried so much I couldn’t breathe. It’s never easy losing a friend, he’s the closest person I have ever lost.

  174. Diana  February 22, 2018 at 3:01 am Reply

    I lost my best friend yesterday. It was a 22 years old friendship. people keep comforting me saying she’s not in pain anymore, but I am sorry if I am selfish, I wish she was still with us, but not in such a pain. It was too much to handle for her.

    I don’t know how many people experienced the same feeling as me, when she was at the hospital last week, a friend took me to the movie theater on valentine’s day, he picked the movie so I could get distracted between laughs and pop corn but In my mind I kept thinking: “I am here, watching a movie but SHE CAN’T, she’s at the hospital, less than a mile away from me”. She was involved in a gas explosion and she got seriously hurt, she survived one week, I really thought she was going to make it but then yesterday I received “the call”, my world collapsed. I still can’t understand why she died like that, she was such an amazing girl, daughter, sister and best friend. I can’t accept the way her story ended, we had so many plans together, she had so many plans and I was going to be there to support her but now she’s gone. Her funeral is in two days, my heart shrinks just thinking about it, fortunately her family knows me and accepts me, her youngest sister, in her grief, called me to ask how I was because they know how much I love Ita (that’s how we call her).
    I really feel empty, alone. I thank people for giving me their best wishes and stuff but I feel lost without her and it hasn’t been a week and I already feel I lost the path. I am not a religious person so I have no god to “blame”, I am mad, furious for what happened and how it happened. The accident wasn’t even her fault.
    I feel that no friend understand my pain.
    I don’t know how to stop feeling guilty for being a live. I can breath, she can’t. I can touch, smell, see, walk, she can’t. My life won’t be the same anymore, I know. I won’t have her near to just say hi and hear her voice. I couldn’t do anything to save her and that makes me feel frustrated. Who am I or how I dare to seek for happiness when she can’t be anymore. Did I fail her?

    I saw her two days before the accident, it was a regular Sunday afternoon, we laughed, we talked serious and not so serious stuff, we talked about our plans, we listened 50s music, she sang, (she loved to sing), now, the only thing left about her voice are videos and voice messages, we had a couple glasses of wine, had some cheese, a few hrs past and we said good-bye, If i knew that was the last time I was going to see her I could’ve hugged her and tell her for the last time how proud I was and how much I loved her, she knew, I told her many times in 22 years but one last wouldn’t hurt us. but now, she’s not here anymore. We never had a fight, (is that normal?), our lives were so much alike even if we were very different. That worked for us.
    When my grandma got cancer, we knew she was going to past away but my best friend was a 34 years old healthy, pretty and brave girl who now is gone in the most painful way. She didn’t deserve to die…she didn’t deserve to die like that.

    How will I face the fact she’s not with me anymore?
    How will stop feeling guilty for doing the things she won’t be able to do anymore?
    Who am I going to talk private stuff?
    HOW AM I GOING TO SURVIVE WITHOUT HER?
    please help me to go through this, it is very painful.

  175. Diana  February 22, 2018 at 3:01 am Reply

    I lost my best friend yesterday. It was a 22 years old friendship. people keep comforting me saying she’s not in pain anymore, but I am sorry if I am selfish, I wish she was still with us, but not in such a pain. It was too much to handle for her.

    I don’t know how many people experienced the same feeling as me, when she was at the hospital last week, a friend took me to the movie theater on valentine’s day, he picked the movie so I could get distracted between laughs and pop corn but In my mind I kept thinking: “I am here, watching a movie but SHE CAN’T, she’s at the hospital, less than a mile away from me”. She was involved in a gas explosion and she got seriously hurt, she survived one week, I really thought she was going to make it but then yesterday I received “the call”, my world collapsed. I still can’t understand why she died like that, she was such an amazing girl, daughter, sister and best friend. I can’t accept the way her story ended, we had so many plans together, she had so many plans and I was going to be there to support her but now she’s gone. Her funeral is in two days, my heart shrinks just thinking about it, fortunately her family knows me and accepts me, her youngest sister, in her grief, called me to ask how I was because they know how much I love Ita (that’s how we call her).
    I really feel empty, alone. I thank people for giving me their best wishes and stuff but I feel lost without her and it hasn’t been a week and I already feel I lost the path. I am not a religious person so I have no god to “blame”, I am mad, furious for what happened and how it happened. The accident wasn’t even her fault.
    I feel that no friend understand my pain.
    I don’t know how to stop feeling guilty for being a live. I can breath, she can’t. I can touch, smell, see, walk, she can’t. My life won’t be the same anymore, I know. I won’t have her near to just say hi and hear her voice. I couldn’t do anything to save her and that makes me feel frustrated. Who am I or how I dare to seek for happiness when she can’t be anymore. Did I fail her?

    I saw her two days before the accident, it was a regular Sunday afternoon, we laughed, we talked serious and not so serious stuff, we talked about our plans, we listened 50s music, she sang, (she loved to sing), now, the only thing left about her voice are videos and voice messages, we had a couple glasses of wine, had some cheese, a few hrs past and we said good-bye, If i knew that was the last time I was going to see her I could’ve hugged her and tell her for the last time how proud I was and how much I loved her, she knew, I told her many times in 22 years but one last wouldn’t hurt us. but now, she’s not here anymore. We never had a fight, (is that normal?), our lives were so much alike even if we were very different. That worked for us.
    When my grandma got cancer, we knew she was going to past away but my best friend was a 34 years old healthy, pretty and brave girl who now is gone in the most painful way. She didn’t deserve to die…she didn’t deserve to die like that.

    How will I face the fact she’s not with me anymore?
    How will stop feeling guilty for doing the things she won’t be able to do anymore?
    Who am I going to talk private stuff?
    HOW AM I GOING TO SURVIVE WITHOUT HER?
    please help me to go through this, it is very painful.

    • Jodi  February 23, 2018 at 12:13 am Reply

      I lost my best friend, today. We considered each other sisters.im so sad and lost. I wish I could talk to you.

      • Diana  March 1, 2018 at 6:45 pm

        It”s been 10 days after she died. I’ve been very quiet and calm but the worst comes every night. I still send her inbox messages telling her how much I miss her. Her funeral was very painful but going to the cemetery and see her coffin going down was devastated I . I feel like part of my life died with her.
        If you need to talk with someone I am here at anytime.

      • Josey  March 9, 2018 at 1:56 am

        I am glad I am not the only one, still sending messages! I felt a bit silly still texting my friend, but I found it to be very therapeutic since no one realised how deep our friendship was, or the nature thereof and if I told anyone how I felt, they would not understand! So I text her, telling her exactly how I feel, my pain, telling her about my regrets (not visiting her more often), and just everyday stuff. It is a month since my friend passed away, and for everyone else life seems to have gone back to normal, but I still have this sense of emptiness, feeling a little lost still!

    • marion  February 23, 2018 at 12:23 pm Reply

      ” I can’t accept the way her story ended..’ i still feel like that, tho it hasn’t been a year yet for me losing my bff. i think everything you’re feeling is normal. there is no reason to criticize yourself. feelings are never wrong. i try to move along with them; i don’t owe anyone an explanation, i’m just polite in public.
      how am i moving thru day after day? i don’t know. i just put one foot in front of the other. time doesn’t heal but it does let in other experiences as we process. i don’t always participate in what’s going on around me, but being on the sidelines isn’t so bad.
      i’m so sorry for your sudden, awful loss. she loved you as much as you love her.

      • Diana  March 1, 2018 at 7:05 pm

        Thank you for your words. It’s been 10 days and I feel completely lost. I miss our texts, calls, our plans. I saw her 2 days before the accident, we text the day before, If I knew that was the last time I was going to see her I would’ve hugged her and tell her for the last time how much I loved her and what she meant to me. She knew but still. I know she would like me to be happy but it’s just hard not having her in my life anymore.

    • Josey  February 26, 2018 at 4:50 am Reply

      Diana, I can relate and that is what makes this website so valuable – there are so many amazing people here who are total strangers to us, but somehow they know our exact feelings and often have more compassion and understanding than family members. I posted here a few days ago for I too have to cope with a friend’s passing, and in my case it was also the manner in which I lost her, that makes it twice as hard. She was murdered by someone she knew, someone whom she often gave a lift to work, and for some reason on the morning of the 6th February something just snapped and he murdered her on their way to work. However hard it is, one has to try and block out all the images that pop into your head, try and forget how this beautiful person’s life was ended. Tomorrow it would be three weeks, but it does not get easier, especially if you had such a deep and special relationship. Reminders all around me! So, all I am trying to say, is all these feelings are normal, and like Marion said, you are allowed to feel this way! There are a lot of people here who understand what you are going through, and use this forum when it feels like you are all alone in your pain and grief. xx

      • Diana  March 1, 2018 at 6:58 pm

        I keep thinking on all the pain she suffered. Ita was involved in a gas explosion in her apartment. When the ambulance took her to the hospital she was conscious, she spoke with her brother and mom, she knew what happened to her, she was screaming and she was under morphine but we thought she was going to make it, I was mentally prepared to help her in rehab. She didn’t deserve to die in such an awful way.
        Friends avoid talking to me. Just a few have messaged me to see how I am. I have another ‘best friend’ but I am very disappointed, I don’t feel any support from her. I understand now that I lost the only best friend I had.
        I am sorry you lost your BFF.

  176. Josey  February 21, 2018 at 4:07 am Reply

    I started reading some of these posts and feel a little bit of despair, since I lost my best friend two weeks ago and feel devastated, and some people here are still struggling with the same feelings years after losing their friends! We’ve known each other for only six years, but it felt like a lifetime. If there is something like love at first sight, then we had friendship at first sight! We lived in different parts of the country, but had regular contact. No one really knew the nature of our friendship, but it was a once in a lifetime kind of relationship we had. I am sure most of you would know exactly what I mean… Like my other twin. I have never met her family, except for her two young children, but I knew everything about them, since we talked about everything. Two weeks ago she was murdered by someone whom she tried to help, and this makes it twice as difficult for me to accept, because that is just the kind of loving and caring person she was. I now have to cope with this terrible loss as well as the manner in which she passed. My family does not understand the depth of our friendship, and I think my husband always saw her of a bit of a threat because we were so close, which leaves me with no support system. I do not know how I am going to get through this, because everywhere around me is so many reminders of her. And the finality gets me every day, when I just want to quickly send her a message, and realise NEVER again would I receive anything back, or see her, or hear her voice.

    • MARION PERCY  February 21, 2018 at 12:37 pm Reply

      i’m so sorry for your loss, josey. you’re right, we do continue to struggle with our loss. that’s the nature of love and the nature of loss.

      for myself i can say, i’m doing better “transitioning into the new normal”. it helped being able to come here. grief counseling helped. friends who knew us help still. weight watchers is helping me with my binge-eating and binge-drinking.

      i don’t know what the answer is, but we were so very lucky to have these special people in our lives. it wouldn’t hurt if they weren’t special.

      please be gentle with yourself. your feelings are your feelings, and here we respect them.

  177. Josey  February 21, 2018 at 4:07 am Reply

    I started reading some of these posts and feel a little bit of despair, since I lost my best friend two weeks ago and feel devastated, and some people here are still struggling with the same feelings years after losing their friends! We’ve known each other for only six years, but it felt like a lifetime. If there is something like love at first sight, then we had friendship at first sight! We lived in different parts of the country, but had regular contact. No one really knew the nature of our friendship, but it was a once in a lifetime kind of relationship we had. I am sure most of you would know exactly what I mean… Like my other twin. I have never met her family, except for her two young children, but I knew everything about them, since we talked about everything. Two weeks ago she was murdered by someone whom she tried to help, and this makes it twice as difficult for me to accept, because that is just the kind of loving and caring person she was. I now have to cope with this terrible loss as well as the manner in which she passed. My family does not understand the depth of our friendship, and I think my husband always saw her of a bit of a threat because we were so close, which leaves me with no support system. I do not know how I am going to get through this, because everywhere around me is so many reminders of her. And the finality gets me every day, when I just want to quickly send her a message, and realise NEVER again would I receive anything back, or see her, or hear her voice.

    • MARION PERCY  February 21, 2018 at 12:37 pm Reply

      i’m so sorry for your loss, josey. you’re right, we do continue to struggle with our loss. that’s the nature of love and the nature of loss.

      for myself i can say, i’m doing better “transitioning into the new normal”. it helped being able to come here. grief counseling helped. friends who knew us help still. weight watchers is helping me with my binge-eating and binge-drinking.

      i don’t know what the answer is, but we were so very lucky to have these special people in our lives. it wouldn’t hurt if they weren’t special.

      please be gentle with yourself. your feelings are your feelings, and here we respect them.

      • Josey  February 22, 2018 at 2:11 am

        Thank you Marion, that is is good way of putting it: adjusting to the new normal. Right now it feels as if nothing will ever be normal again, but I know in time it will get better. And yes, they were very special, and I am forever thankful that I met my friend when I did, although she was only lent to my for a few years. I decided to steal her motto and make it my own: Tomorrow the sun will shine again. Today though, it is still a bit cloudy.

  178. Carolina  February 12, 2018 at 2:37 pm Reply

    I lost my bestie of 24 years suddenly last month from an accidental overdose. I am heartbroken and upset. We have been through so much in life together and I never could have made it through many of my downs in life without her. I miss her and always will more than I could ever explain. I am upset with myself because I realized after the fact that she’s had a problem and didn’t want me to know only her husband. I’m hurt because I should have been there to help her and didn’t. I’m in disbelief because I have been open and honest with her and I don’t even believe what he is saying. I guess I feel like if there was something bothering her then she would have told me. I feel like he prevented me from knowing because he had a problem himself. Her mom didn’t know either and she lived with her which makes it more questionable. Anyways I was looking online and there is nothing really about how to cope when your best friend dies. I feel disconnected from many people because they don’t even understand. She was like a sibling to me and nothing will ever replace that. She has two beautiful girls that now have to get to know their dad that they haven’t seen and learn to adjust to having their grandmother raise them. The whole situation is sad. I wish that I could have done something to help her. I can’t help but feel that way. I told a friend and she told me not to think like that because it was her time. I disagree completely and it’s really not healthy for me to think like that because to me it wasn’t her time. To me she still had plenty of life and time and it isn’t fair. It isn’t fair. I just want to be able to feel and I think how I do because it is how I cope. I can’t make an explanation in my head of something that happened and think it’s suppose to be that way. Things can change and we have the power to change and turn things around. Addiction is difficult for the addict and the people that are closest to them. It doesn’t mean that we can’t win this but we have to keep trying. It’s not suppose to be okay to let the addiction win. It’s not supposed to be that way and I just needed to say it. I need to say it because I believed in her to be one of the strongest women in my life that I looked up to because she made it okay not to be perfect and she made it okay to keep trying to make life better. I believe in that because it’s hope and hope can take a person far. My friend telling me that it is suppose to happen made me feel like there shouldn’t be hope and we should accept things as they are. She has no idea because she hasn’t experienced anything like this and she cannot judge in this way.

  179. Carolina  February 12, 2018 at 2:37 pm Reply

    I lost my bestie of 24 years suddenly last month from an accidental overdose. I am heartbroken and upset. We have been through so much in life together and I never could have made it through many of my downs in life without her. I miss her and always will more than I could ever explain. I am upset with myself because I realized after the fact that she’s had a problem and didn’t want me to know only her husband. I’m hurt because I should have been there to help her and didn’t. I’m in disbelief because I have been open and honest with her and I don’t even believe what he is saying. I guess I feel like if there was something bothering her then she would have told me. I feel like he prevented me from knowing because he had a problem himself. Her mom didn’t know either and she lived with her which makes it more questionable. Anyways I was looking online and there is nothing really about how to cope when your best friend dies. I feel disconnected from many people because they don’t even understand. She was like a sibling to me and nothing will ever replace that. She has two beautiful girls that now have to get to know their dad that they haven’t seen and learn to adjust to having their grandmother raise them. The whole situation is sad. I wish that I could have done something to help her. I can’t help but feel that way. I told a friend and she told me not to think like that because it was her time. I disagree completely and it’s really not healthy for me to think like that because to me it wasn’t her time. To me she still had plenty of life and time and it isn’t fair. It isn’t fair. I just want to be able to feel and I think how I do because it is how I cope. I can’t make an explanation in my head of something that happened and think it’s suppose to be that way. Things can change and we have the power to change and turn things around. Addiction is difficult for the addict and the people that are closest to them. It doesn’t mean that we can’t win this but we have to keep trying. It’s not suppose to be okay to let the addiction win. It’s not supposed to be that way and I just needed to say it. I need to say it because I believed in her to be one of the strongest women in my life that I looked up to because she made it okay not to be perfect and she made it okay to keep trying to make life better. I believe in that because it’s hope and hope can take a person far. My friend telling me that it is suppose to happen made me feel like there shouldn’t be hope and we should accept things as they are. She has no idea because she hasn’t experienced anything like this and she cannot judge in this way.

    • Alexis  February 19, 2018 at 12:07 am Reply

      Hi Carolina,

      I am so completely sorry for your loss. I understand where you are coming from and know how unfair addiction is. I just want to start off by saying that you should never have to deal with someone saying that it was “their time” because addiction takes friends, family, and loved ones everyday way to early and it isn’t fair. My best friend passed away this past April due to an overdose at age 20 and life was really different for a while but it does get easier. After a while the memories get sweeter and you start to only remember the positive happy times you shared together. I still feel a lot of guilt about her death because I had known for years and after trying to help started to distanced myself from her. I personally should have stayed and done anything I could, but I didn’t and left to start a new life. Everyone tells me that I shouldn’t feel that way and that I did what was best for me, but the feeling does not go away. But you didn’t know, and thats okay. As hypocritical as it is for me to say, don’t feel guilty. It’s an emotion that will eat a you. You can only think of her as you knew her and loved her — which is how she would have wanted. Try to always stay positive and not to dwell on the darkness that took her away. Its been 10 months and I can talk about it openly now, but I still cry sometimes. Which is okay. I try to use her platform to bring awareness to addiction and try to help other young people fight their battles. Anyway, I believe in you and I know it will eventually become easier for you to cope. But just know that if it does get difficult you should talk to someone about it. I may not know you but I would be devastated if this grief tore you down and left you sad forever. Its okay to need help and no one ever judges for being aware of your own mental health. During this time everyone is trying to “help” you in their own ways and sometimes it can make you feel isolated, so please, use this time to just appreciate all the blessings you have and you will never forget the bond you shared together. Having had the privilege to have known your best friend is something you should cherish forever. I’ll put you in my prayers and I hope your days become easier.

  180. Susan fagan  February 4, 2018 at 10:57 pm Reply

    Ralph I miss you .. I’m sorry I neglected you ., do you forgive me? I know you’d be cross I cry everyday .. you’d want be to live my life like you did .. but I feel you’ve been stolen from me .. if it wasn’t for my kids I’d want to come join you ., Ralph I love you ..
    Sue xx

  181. Susan fagan  February 4, 2018 at 10:57 pm Reply

    Ralph I miss you .. I’m sorry I neglected you ., do you forgive me? I know you’d be cross I cry everyday .. you’d want be to live my life like you did .. but I feel you’ve been stolen from me .. if it wasn’t for my kids I’d want to come join you ., Ralph I love you ..
    Sue xx

    • Debra  February 6, 2018 at 10:20 am Reply

      I feel this way every day. I’m doing all the things… seeing a therapist, going to the doctor, going to work (that one took a while to figure out). Nothing helps. I’m lost without him. I’m just lost. Thank you for posting. I just finished reading “it’s ok to not be ok” by Megan Devine (by read I mean listened to her read it) and it helped me feel less lost but still utterly lost.

  182. Jennifer Haskins  January 31, 2018 at 2:50 pm Reply

    Do you ever feel like you are afraid to really let go and admit they are gone? I know my best friend Shannon is gone but I don’t want to believe it. I try not to really think about it because I’m afraid I will lose it. I don’t know what type of denial I have. I know she passed but I refuse to think about that. I just focus on the missing her part. I’m fine at times and then out of no where I think of her and I feel heart broken. The day she died when I went to her house everyone kept asking me if I was okay. Her own children and mother. That is how close we were. We’ve been friends since high school and we clicked immediately. We were twin flames. We were so linked that we have often bought the same gift or suddenly both mailed each other gifts at the same time after not speaking for some time. She knew me through and through. Through boyfriends, marriages, divorces, babies, good times and bad she has always been there. She was my light in this world and now I feel so alone as she was my only close friend. I have never loved anyone the way I love her still. She was my best friend and after my mom passed when I was 18 she was part mother, best friend and sister.

    It’s hard to describe our friendship but no one in this world knew me the way she did. I feel guilty because she died of a prescription drug overdose and I didn’t see it. I kept putting off going over to visit with her because I was always so busy. I had no idea she was taking anything. I mean she worked full time (at night) as a charge nurse – how could they have missed it too? She was always there for me and I failed her. To quote my favorite movie What Dreams May Come “I apologize for every time I failed you. Especially this one.”

    She worked nights and I worked days but I should have visited her more. Should have done something…anything- if I would have only known. Sometimes I think this world is very cruel. I lost my mother and now Shannon but I keep going somehow. I talk to her out loud sometimes just in case she is around me somehow. To let her know how much I miss her and love her. It’s been a year and a half but it seems like so long. An eternity of sorts. I will never stop missing her or wanting her with me. I hope that time somehow lessons this pain and I pray to see her again one day. I hope and pray everyone on this post receives some sort of comfort knowing they aren’t alone in their grief.

  183. Jennifer Haskins  January 31, 2018 at 2:50 pm Reply

    Do you ever feel like you are afraid to really let go and admit they are gone? I know my best friend Shannon is gone but I don’t want to believe it. I try not to really think about it because I’m afraid I will lose it. I don’t know what type of denial I have. I know she passed but I refuse to think about that. I just focus on the missing her part. I’m fine at times and then out of no where I think of her and I feel heart broken. The day she died when I went to her house everyone kept asking me if I was okay. Her own children and mother. That is how close we were. We’ve been friends since high school and we clicked immediately. We were twin flames. We were so linked that we have often bought the same gift or suddenly both mailed each other gifts at the same time after not speaking for some time. She knew me through and through. Through boyfriends, marriages, divorces, babies, good times and bad she has always been there. She was my light in this world and now I feel so alone as she was my only close friend. I have never loved anyone the way I love her still. She was my best friend and after my mom passed when I was 18 she was part mother, best friend and sister.

    It’s hard to describe our friendship but no one in this world knew me the way she did. I feel guilty because she died of a prescription drug overdose and I didn’t see it. I kept putting off going over to visit with her because I was always so busy. I had no idea she was taking anything. I mean she worked full time (at night) as a charge nurse – how could they have missed it too? She was always there for me and I failed her. To quote my favorite movie What Dreams May Come “I apologize for every time I failed you. Especially this one.”

    She worked nights and I worked days but I should have visited her more. Should have done something…anything- if I would have only known. Sometimes I think this world is very cruel. I lost my mother and now Shannon but I keep going somehow. I talk to her out loud sometimes just in case she is around me somehow. To let her know how much I miss her and love her. It’s been a year and a half but it seems like so long. An eternity of sorts. I will never stop missing her or wanting her with me. I hope that time somehow lessons this pain and I pray to see her again one day. I hope and pray everyone on this post receives some sort of comfort knowing they aren’t alone in their grief.

    • Lisa Toth  February 4, 2018 at 2:52 pm Reply

      Wow, thank you for posting this. I too lost my best friend of 25 years on February 5, 2017. Tomorrow will be the one year anniversary. I was just thinking yesterday that the word ‘friendship’ doesn’t adequately describe our relationship. Nobody really understood us – we were both single, he was hetero, I am hetero but we were just really good friends. It was kind of like “Jerry and Elaine” from Seinfeld – at least that’s how I tried to describe it. He died of an accidental overdose. I had a key to his house. He wasn’t returning my calls or texts – we had plans to watch the super bowl. I found him after about a day and a half so it was really hard on me. People don’t look the same after 24 hours of being gone – trust me. It was the most horrible thing I have ever experienced. I had to call the police and stay there while they questioned me. All the time I could see him on the floor in the other room. It’s going to sound crazy but 3 days after he died, I kept hearing this….it wasn’t a voice, it was like a message. I kept hearing over and over, “I’m so, so sorry” and to this day I know it was him. It was him being sorry that I had to be the one to find him. I mean, the police, fire department, ambulances, county medical examiner – they were all there at his house with me. Then driving home alone… after they told me I could go. It’s indescribable. I was just really touched by your story. So many similarities to mine. I have so much guilt. I could have helped him. I know so many people who also abuse drugs and live for years and years. Why him? He was the one person in this world who I could really, really trust. He knew everything about me. I had no secrets from him. I looked after him. He trusted me. It’s been almost a year to the day and I still sit here with tears in my eyes missing my dear friend. I spent all my time with him. I would go to his house and watch tv while he was in the living room on his computer. It was so much better than sitting alone at home. I miss him so much.

      • Pattie  February 4, 2018 at 3:58 pm

        I hear you, Lisa. Tomorrow will be three months since I lost my best friend to alcoholism. I called the police, I saw her lying in the back hallway for what seemed forever. Three. Months.Ago. Feels like a million years ago, and yesterday as well. We were best friends for 32 years. I will never again be able to have a best friend for that long. I planned her funeral, and am now settling her estate. Her boyfriend has a traumatic brain injury, thanks to alcoholism, and can’t take care of himself. His sister is coping with that, but I will be as well, for the remainder of his life. I’m not sure how to get over this, or if I can. Good days, bad days. I miss her so much. I know exactly how you feel. You are not alone.

    • Kathleen Brown  February 11, 2018 at 12:01 pm Reply

      Hello Jennifer,

      I too, lost my best friend Shannon two years ago in a similar way that you described. I actually was missing her so much today, that I was looking for articles about this. My heart goes out to you. My Shannon and I became best friends right away in high school She made it to her 50th birthday, but not far after that. She was a beautiful, petite red head, but life could be overwhelming for her. I would like to think that she is happier now – and yes, I do talk to her daily. I’ve learned to get support and I have lost my guilt about how she passed. It was hard, but I know I did the best with what I had. Some days are tougher than others (today it is raining and dreary and I’m cooking her favorite dinner – so it brings up a lot of things) but there are other days, I’ll just laugh when a memory that I forgot about comes out of now where. I believe she is with me and “hears me” and my hope is that you too will one day have that comfort. Shannons’ are rare gifts and I’m glad that we each had one. Much love, Kathleen

  184. Marilyn Stamps  January 28, 2018 at 8:32 pm Reply

    A Tribute to my Friend: Ophelia Luster Bray

    What can you say when a friend passes away? Words cannot express what the heart holds, but if I had to choose one phrase, I would take it from the title of Ophelia Luster Bray’s memoir: “Against All Odds: What a Life!” I only met Ophelia Luster Bray once in my life. That was in June 2017 when my oldest sister was in the hospital undergoing surgery for pancreatic and bile duct cancer. Our meeting, though it seemed that it was only by chance, I’m convinced was predestined by God. As Ophelia, my three sisters and I sat in the hospital waiting room, we began sharing bits and pieces of our lives with one another. I shared with her about the multiple losses of loved ones I have had in my life. We talked about health issues and the fact that I was writing a book. Turns out, she was in the final stages of life, having battled cancer for the past two-plus years. She also shared with me that she wanted to write her memoir and leave it as a legacy for her family. I convinced her that she should and told her that I would help her. Immediately she, I and God set the plan in motion.
    Over the course of several weeks, she sent me handwritten pages of her memoir and I transcribed them for her. From her memoir, I realized her story of tragedy and triumph was similar to mine-love, love lost, marriage, births, divorce, loneliness, forgiveness, reconciliation and hope in the resurrection. Our stories had different chapters but the overarching theme was the same. Over the course of six-plus months, she and I got to share a piece of life that only those who know the struggle can understand. And we formed an unbreakable bond of friendship, love and laughter. She became my big sister and I became her “Marilyn Marie.” We talked every day while putting together her memoir and at least twice a week after completing it. Her memoir made me laugh; it made me cry and it gave me a greater awareness of the power of God to heal the broken spirit.
    As the sun began to set fast in her life, I did not talk to her as frequently as I had done before because I knew that in her latter days, she was talking with the Master and I dared not interrupt. She had prayed that God grant her time to spend with her family during Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s–life moments that she cherished the most. And He did! She said to me in her normal cheerful voice, “Marilyn Marie that may be asking a lot of God but I know He is able.”
    On the eve of her passing, as I sat at my computer around 10 p.m., I ran across a picture my friend had sent me that I had neglected to send back to her when I completed her memoir. I thought to myself, “I need to get that picture back to Ophelia.” On the morning of January 24, 2018, I ran across a copy of the memoir I had helped her with, neatly tucked away in a blue handbag. I sat down and read it as if I was reading it for the very first time. When I finished reading it, something in my heart told me to call and check on my friend. Ophelia’s son Mark, who I had spoken to on occasion, answered the phone. He said, “Marilyn, I’m glad you called. Mom passed away around 11 o’clock last night.”
    In an instant, I became transfixed by the awesomeness of God when I thought about finding that picture in what turned out to be the final hour of her life and getting up the next day and reading her story and gaining inspiration from it. Briefly, my heart sank because my friend was gone. But I couldn’t help but to smile because in a six-month span, God had given me what few people get in a lifetime—a friend who sticketh closer than a brother. Ophelia embraced life. She ran the race and she finished the course. Sweet rest, my dear friend. We shall meet again!

    Love,
    Marilyn Marie

  185. Marilyn Stamps  January 28, 2018 at 8:32 pm Reply

    A Tribute to my Friend: Ophelia Luster Bray

    What can you say when a friend passes away? Words cannot express what the heart holds, but if I had to choose one phrase, I would take it from the title of Ophelia Luster Bray’s memoir: “Against All Odds: What a Life!” I only met Ophelia Luster Bray once in my life. That was in June 2017 when my oldest sister was in the hospital undergoing surgery for pancreatic and bile duct cancer. Our meeting, though it seemed that it was only by chance, I’m convinced was predestined by God. As Ophelia, my three sisters and I sat in the hospital waiting room, we began sharing bits and pieces of our lives with one another. I shared with her about the multiple losses of loved ones I have had in my life. We talked about health issues and the fact that I was writing a book. Turns out, she was in the final stages of life, having battled cancer for the past two-plus years. She also shared with me that she wanted to write her memoir and leave it as a legacy for her family. I convinced her that she should and told her that I would help her. Immediately she, I and God set the plan in motion.
    Over the course of several weeks, she sent me handwritten pages of her memoir and I transcribed them for her. From her memoir, I realized her story of tragedy and triumph was similar to mine-love, love lost, marriage, births, divorce, loneliness, forgiveness, reconciliation and hope in the resurrection. Our stories had different chapters but the overarching theme was the same. Over the course of six-plus months, she and I got to share a piece of life that only those who know the struggle can understand. And we formed an unbreakable bond of friendship, love and laughter. She became my big sister and I became her “Marilyn Marie.” We talked every day while putting together her memoir and at least twice a week after completing it. Her memoir made me laugh; it made me cry and it gave me a greater awareness of the power of God to heal the broken spirit.
    As the sun began to set fast in her life, I did not talk to her as frequently as I had done before because I knew that in her latter days, she was talking with the Master and I dared not interrupt. She had prayed that God grant her time to spend with her family during Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s–life moments that she cherished the most. And He did! She said to me in her normal cheerful voice, “Marilyn Marie that may be asking a lot of God but I know He is able.”
    On the eve of her passing, as I sat at my computer around 10 p.m., I ran across a picture my friend had sent me that I had neglected to send back to her when I completed her memoir. I thought to myself, “I need to get that picture back to Ophelia.” On the morning of January 24, 2018, I ran across a copy of the memoir I had helped her with, neatly tucked away in a blue handbag. I sat down and read it as if I was reading it for the very first time. When I finished reading it, something in my heart told me to call and check on my friend. Ophelia’s son Mark, who I had spoken to on occasion, answered the phone. He said, “Marilyn, I’m glad you called. Mom passed away around 11 o’clock last night.”
    In an instant, I became transfixed by the awesomeness of God when I thought about finding that picture in what turned out to be the final hour of her life and getting up the next day and reading her story and gaining inspiration from it. Briefly, my heart sank because my friend was gone. But I couldn’t help but to smile because in a six-month span, God had given me what few people get in a lifetime—a friend who sticketh closer than a brother. Ophelia embraced life. She ran the race and she finished the course. Sweet rest, my dear friend. We shall meet again!

    Love,
    Marilyn Marie

  186. Barbara OBrien  January 23, 2018 at 12:01 am Reply

    I just found out today that my best friend of 31 years died. There is no one in this world left who knows my true thoughts, pains, feelings and silly jokes and observations. No one. She was alone when she died, and was found some days later, which makes this so much sadder. I can only hope death came swiftly. It’s unfair she left so young. I feel your presence, Elaine. I knew who you were, I will remember you.

  187. Barbara OBrien  January 23, 2018 at 12:01 am Reply

    I just found out today that my best friend of 31 years died. There is no one in this world left who knows my true thoughts, pains, feelings and silly jokes and observations. No one. She was alone when she died, and was found some days later, which makes this so much sadder. I can only hope death came swiftly. It’s unfair she left so young. I feel your presence, Elaine. I knew who you were, I will remember you.

  188. Lisa  January 14, 2018 at 12:18 am Reply

    I lost one of my best friends unexpectedly on Christmas Day and we still don’t know why he died. We were friends for 45 years. That’s a long time and a lot of memories. Thankfully, we grew up together so I’ve known his whole family for as long as I’ve known him. One of his sisters is my other best friend. When we were kids, we were inseparable. When two of us showed up somewhere, we were asked where the other one was. The three of us were a package deal. He was my chosen brother and I adored him. The family tells me that he felt the same way about me. He was never one to voice his love, but he showed it in so many ways. He was smart, funny, kind, compassionate, and didn’t suffer fools gladly. The last time I was this sad was when he moved out of state 23 years ago. Except this time, he’s never coming back.

    Today is the first time that I’ve really cried since I heard the news. I still can’t believe he’s gone. I keep thinking that he’s going to call any minute and tell me it was all a big mistake; that it was someone else, not him. I miss him so much. I miss his laugh, his smile, his voice, his face, the way he got so intense when he was really mad. Even his horrible taste in music. He was a big Bjork fan and used to torture me with her CDs on road trips. I’d beg him not to play any more of those godawful songs. He would just laugh and play the next song. I’d listen to every Bjork song she ever made on repeat for the rest of my life if he would just come back.

  189. Lisa  January 14, 2018 at 12:18 am Reply

    I lost one of my best friends unexpectedly on Christmas Day and we still don’t know why he died. We were friends for 45 years. That’s a long time and a lot of memories. Thankfully, we grew up together so I’ve known his whole family for as long as I’ve known him. One of his sisters is my other best friend. When we were kids, we were inseparable. When two of us showed up somewhere, we were asked where the other one was. The three of us were a package deal. He was my chosen brother and I adored him. The family tells me that he felt the same way about me. He was never one to voice his love, but he showed it in so many ways. He was smart, funny, kind, compassionate, and didn’t suffer fools gladly. The last time I was this sad was when he moved out of state 23 years ago. Except this time, he’s never coming back.

    Today is the first time that I’ve really cried since I heard the news. I still can’t believe he’s gone. I keep thinking that he’s going to call any minute and tell me it was all a big mistake; that it was someone else, not him. I miss him so much. I miss his laugh, his smile, his voice, his face, the way he got so intense when he was really mad. Even his horrible taste in music. He was a big Bjork fan and used to torture me with her CDs on road trips. I’d beg him not to play any more of those godawful songs. He would just laugh and play the next song. I’d listen to every Bjork song she ever made on repeat for the rest of my life if he would just come back.

  190. Tekla  January 13, 2018 at 7:45 pm Reply

    I lost my friend a year ago and I still can’t get over it. I can’t understand why – why were not in touch for the last two years as he started to have political opinions unnacepptable for me – right-wing, anti-refugee kind of stuff. I even erased him from Facebook which now I regret. But we did spend 5 years at university together, we are all the time together. We went on a student exchange together as well. He was my best friend back then. I’m 30 now and he died at 28, he got hit by a train!!! I keep seeing him in Munich dreams and I can’t find peace. I’m an atheist so I don’t know what could help me as I don’t believe in all that praying and other stuff. I miss him so much. Why do I miss him if we were not even in touch off late? This is so painful and I can’t get answers anywhere.

  191. Tekla  January 13, 2018 at 7:45 pm Reply

    I lost my friend a year ago and I still can’t get over it. I can’t understand why – why were not in touch for the last two years as he started to have political opinions unnacepptable for me – right-wing, anti-refugee kind of stuff. I even erased him from Facebook which now I regret. But we did spend 5 years at university together, we are all the time together. We went on a student exchange together as well. He was my best friend back then. I’m 30 now and he died at 28, he got hit by a train!!! I keep seeing him in Munich dreams and I can’t find peace. I’m an atheist so I don’t know what could help me as I don’t believe in all that praying and other stuff. I miss him so much. Why do I miss him if we were not even in touch off late? This is so painful and I can’t get answers anywhere.

  192. Jody  January 11, 2018 at 3:03 am Reply

    Hi. I lost my BFF, Jo-Ann…we were Best Friends Forever and called each other sister -she was my sister -in-love. She collapsed and went into the hospital Sept 29 and never came out until she passed on December 13. We have been friends since elementary school. She was my maid of honor, I was hers. She was Godmother to my children and they loved their Aunt Jo-Ann so much! We took vacations together, we talked all the time on the phone and even though we did not live near each other, we visited and travelled together. I think Jo-Ann new me better than I knew me and I knew he…I truly knew here. We shared things with each other we would never share with anyone else. I trusted her more than anyone in the world. From the time we were in 7th grade we talked about how we would grow old together and go to the same nursing home and sit on rockers on the porch together. I have a silver friendship ring she gave me in 7th grade it has my name on it and her name on it – we said we’d be best friends forever…and we were…) Jo-Ann drew me out when I needed it and when she needed I did the same for her. We shared many fun and wild adventures as youth, traveling a lot. Losing Jo-Ann is like having my heart ripped out of my chest. I cry a lot and my mood goes from…I have to make my self better and healthy so I can live a long life in her honor, to I’m probably going to die young, to and then we will be together again (I might add my mother die at age 54 and my Dad at age 69)…Jo-Ann would have been 65 in a month and I turn 65 in 3 months. I never thought she wouldn’t be there with me. We talked about all the fun things we would do when we retired – trips we would take (we loved travel)…places we would go and people we would see…visiting old friends, etc. I know I will never forget her (I think about her always.) One of many sad things about the funeral, which only hit me personally, was when they listed in the program she was was survived by her brother, sister-in-law, and 2 nieces and their family, and her second cousin. Even though I know logically this was protocol, it hurt because I felt like she was my sister (and she always said the same to me.) I feel like this change in my life, I will never be the same again. My husband says I have a fear of dying, but that is not true. I am not afraid of dying and I am just looking at it as inevitable (and probably sooner than later…) I think about Jo-Ann all the time and miss her so much, I can’t bear it…Jo-Ann died of Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma complicated by a brain virus, Multifocal Leukoencephalopathy, which ate apart her brain at a rapid rate (especial after they gave her chemo for the lymphoma.) The deterioration was so rapid it was astonishing…I still can’t bear to thing about it…Jo-Ann was the kindest, smartest, most generous person I have ever know. The world lost a special person and I lost my heart.

  193. Jody  January 11, 2018 at 3:03 am Reply

    Hi. I lost my BFF, Jo-Ann…we were Best Friends Forever and called each other sister -she was my sister -in-love. She collapsed and went into the hospital Sept 29 and never came out until she passed on December 13. We have been friends since elementary school. She was my maid of honor, I was hers. She was Godmother to my children and they loved their Aunt Jo-Ann so much! We took vacations together, we talked all the time on the phone and even though we did not live near each other, we visited and travelled together. I think Jo-Ann new me better than I knew me and I knew he…I truly knew here. We shared things with each other we would never share with anyone else. I trusted her more than anyone in the world. From the time we were in 7th grade we talked about how we would grow old together and go to the same nursing home and sit on rockers on the porch together. I have a silver friendship ring she gave me in 7th grade it has my name on it and her name on it – we said we’d be best friends forever…and we were…) Jo-Ann drew me out when I needed it and when she needed I did the same for her. We shared many fun and wild adventures as youth, traveling a lot. Losing Jo-Ann is like having my heart ripped out of my chest. I cry a lot and my mood goes from…I have to make my self better and healthy so I can live a long life in her honor, to I’m probably going to die young, to and then we will be together again (I might add my mother die at age 54 and my Dad at age 69)…Jo-Ann would have been 65 in a month and I turn 65 in 3 months. I never thought she wouldn’t be there with me. We talked about all the fun things we would do when we retired – trips we would take (we loved travel)…places we would go and people we would see…visiting old friends, etc. I know I will never forget her (I think about her always.) One of many sad things about the funeral, which only hit me personally, was when they listed in the program she was was survived by her brother, sister-in-law, and 2 nieces and their family, and her second cousin. Even though I know logically this was protocol, it hurt because I felt like she was my sister (and she always said the same to me.) I feel like this change in my life, I will never be the same again. My husband says I have a fear of dying, but that is not true. I am not afraid of dying and I am just looking at it as inevitable (and probably sooner than later…) I think about Jo-Ann all the time and miss her so much, I can’t bear it…Jo-Ann died of Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma complicated by a brain virus, Multifocal Leukoencephalopathy, which ate apart her brain at a rapid rate (especial after they gave her chemo for the lymphoma.) The deterioration was so rapid it was astonishing…I still can’t bear to thing about it…Jo-Ann was the kindest, smartest, most generous person I have ever know. The world lost a special person and I lost my heart.

    • marion  January 26, 2018 at 10:49 am Reply

      Jody, whether you know it or not, you are being very brave. i lost my bff of over 40 in May to non-hodgkins. it’s horrible. it was a great comfort to me when her long-time boyfriend’s bff told me i was “her right arm”. it affirmed the close relationship she and i shared. you ARE her sister. never doubt it. i know the emptiness you feel.
      i’ve been trying to get used to a “new normal”. i’m doing better as time passes but still have deep set-backs. i’m not afraid of the emotions, not afraid of the hard work, it’s just that there is no release from this. i found grief counselling helped a lot. and i just signed up w/ weight watchers because i was eating/drinking uncontrollably. she would have liked that. she loved WW and even ate according to the program when she was dying.
      i was the last person she saw. i’d been out of the room doing an errand for her mother. she waited until i came back; that’s what everyone said. that’s a comfort but still She’s Not Here.
      look for and listen for “signs”. she’s with you.

  194. Alyssa Anderson  January 6, 2018 at 1:02 pm Reply

    I lost my bestfriend Hayley, exactly 6 days ago, in a horrible car accident. I was also in that same accident and she was always and still is the one person who knew even the most personal things about me. Today was her funeral. She was such an amazing person. She never made anyone feel alone. I made it through each day because she told me if I ever tried to hurt myself or commit suicide she’d never come to my funeral and she’d hate me, and believe me, she meant it. She stayed with me even when I was really good friends with someone she really hated. The three of us were beyond inseperable. This past summer we spent pretty much every literal day together. She was always straight up with me. Every time I felt stuck with someone or something I always asked her what she would do and what her opinion was. She was my person.

    • Alyssa Anderson  January 6, 2018 at 1:11 pm Reply

      She was 17. I’m 16. I love you hayley, I hope you know that.

  195. Alyssa Anderson  January 6, 2018 at 1:02 pm Reply

    I lost my bestfriend Hayley, exactly 6 days ago, in a horrible car accident. I was also in that same accident and she was always and still is the one person who knew even the most personal things about me. Today was her funeral. She was such an amazing person. She never made anyone feel alone. I made it through each day because she told me if I ever tried to hurt myself or commit suicide she’d never come to my funeral and she’d hate me, and believe me, she meant it. She stayed with me even when I was really good friends with someone she really hated. The three of us were beyond inseperable. This past summer we spent pretty much every literal day together. She was always straight up with me. Every time I felt stuck with someone or something I always asked her what she would do and what her opinion was. She was my person.

    • Alyssa Anderson  January 6, 2018 at 1:11 pm Reply

      She was 17. I’m 16. I love you hayley, I hope you know that.

  196. Kristen  December 30, 2017 at 9:10 pm Reply

    I lost my best friend of 22 years and it’s like I’m in a fog… I’m just lost.. Sorry that so many others are feeling the same thing.

  197. Kristen  December 30, 2017 at 9:10 pm Reply

    I lost my best friend of 22 years and it’s like I’m in a fog… I’m just lost.. Sorry that so many others are feeling the same thing.

    • AGH  January 5, 2018 at 2:27 pm Reply

      I’m sorry for your loss. My best friend died 11 months ago (Feb 2017) and I’m still lost – it’s going to take time. I don’t know if I will ever get over my loss, I miss her every day, no one will ever be able to take her place.
      AGH

  198. Lynn  December 28, 2017 at 2:19 pm Reply

    My BFF is dying as I type this. I haven’t been able to pull myself together since I found out there is no treatment options. She did them all. 11 years ago she was dx with ovarian cancer. She’s a fighter. She is home with her husband, son (20) and daughter (25). She’s only 57. We are HS friends. I go to bed crying and wake up crying. I’m praying for a miracle. It hurts so bad.