Grieving the Death of a Sibling

Understanding Grief / Understanding Grief : Eleanor Haley


The other day I asked our Facebook community to suggest resources for people who’ve experienced the death of a sibling.  Although some were able to make recommendations, many were quick to point out their struggle to find help and support for their loss.  One reader even said she dubbed herself the “forgotten mourner” after finding sibling grief was so often overlooked in the support world.  Now, we can’t have that!

Obviously, this is just a post and it doesn’t substitute for dedicated organizations, movements, or other types of support – but it’s a start. Whatever you are able to contribute to the conversation in the comments and on social media, please do. The more voices we have speaking on the subject, the more supported and cared for other grieving siblings will hopefully feel.

This post is long, but the last thing we want to do is create another resource that is overgeneralized and unhelpful. At the end of the post, we’ll link to a resource page with suggestions for locating support locally and online.  Got it? Good. Okay, let’s talk about some of the reasons why the death of a sibling (at any age) is really stinking hard.


Feelings and Emotions

You may be experiencing grief over the death of your sibling if you feel any of the following –shock, numbness, sadness, despair, loneliness, isolation, difficulty concentrating, forgetfulness, irritability, anger, increased or decreased appetite, fatigue or sleeplessness, guilt, regret, depression, anxiety, crying, headaches, weakness, aches, pains, yearning, worry, frustration, detachment, isolation, questioning faith – to name a few.

Okay, so those things aren’t specific to sibling grief, however, they might be experienced differently by someone grieving a brother or sister. For example:

You feel guilty because…

…you are the sibling that survived.

…you knew your sibling inside and out and yet you didn’t know about the struggles or hardships that led to their death.

…you weren’t able to protect them.

…there are things you wish you had said, but didn’t

You feel anxiety because…

…you know how fragile life is.

…you’re worried you may die in the same way as your sibling.

…you’re worried others in your family may die.

You feel lonely because…

…although you’re surrounded by people, you miss the one person who you could truly be yourself with.

I could go on, but the important thing is to understand that your feelings are unique and important. Good, bad, or anywhere in-between, your relationship with your brother or sister was different than anyone else’s and so you’ll experience hurdles, triggers, and hardships that others may not.

Your parents, siblings, and other family members may grieve in many of the same ways that you do, but in many ways, their grief may differ.  It’s important to remember this because misunderstandings can arise amongst family members when people react differently in response to a death.  It’s also important for people supporting bereaved siblings to keep this in mind so they can help validate and support the griever’s feelings and experiences.

 

Overshadowed Grief

This is just a guess, but I suspect a lack of sibling grief resources exists because sibling grief is often overshadowed. People simply cannot fathom the out-of-order-ness of a parent having to bury a child, so when this is the case their thoughts and concerns often immediately go to the parent’s grief.

Parents themselves may not be able to effectively attend to their children’s grief and outside family and friends may be hesitant to step in and offer support or suggestions.  It might also be true that support and attention are first given to siblings who are younger or who are perceived to be more fragile. In a situation where any or all of these things are true, a grieving sibling may end up feeling as though other people’s grief is more important than their own.

This may be confounded by the fact that some people willingly allow their grief to go unnoticed by themselves or others. Raise your hand if you’re the sibling who feels like it’s your job to take care of and support the rest of the family.  After a death, some siblings might quickly step in to take care of their younger children and/or their parents because they feel it’s their role or duty. 

Sometimes this happens out of necessity, sometimes avoidance, sometimes expectation, and sometimes all of the above. It is important for all members of the family to recognize that no one’s grief should take complete precedence. Although family members might take turns supporting one another, at one point or another everyone’s grief deserves attention and needs to be attended to.


Changes in Family Dynamics and Support Systems

Families – functional or dysfunctional – often operate according to a set of norms, roles, traditions, and patterns. Each person has their place in the family system, so things can get thrown off balance when someone in the family dies. An important person is gone, and those who survive them are sometimes unable, unwilling, or disinterested in filling that person’s role(s) or carrying out traditions and patterns as they have in the past.

Shifting family dynamics can lead to the weakening of support systems. Parents and siblings who are grieving may be of less, little, or no help. If a person’s support system largely consists of family (which is often the case for children and teens), they may find they’re facing one of the hardest periods of their life without a safety net.

The support system may also be weakened if the person who died was an important source of support for surviving siblings. This may be true at any age, but if the death happens when the siblings are in older adulthood, the person who died may have been one of the surviving sibling’s few living family members

For all these reasons and others, it is common for people to have to reassess their support system in the wake of loss and to seek out additional help while coping with their grief.

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Comparisons and Expectations

You are special and you are wonderful (come on…you know you are). You have no one to live up to besides yourself, your goals, and your own potential.

Okay, I just wanted to say that as a reminder to anyone who feels like they’re living in the shadow of a deceased sibling. Feeling compared or overshadowed is common after the death of a sibling, and (although you may be hesitant to admit it) this experience can result in feelings of resentment or anger towards family and/or the person who died.

If this sounds like you, the first thing we recommend you do is to ask yourself, “Who is making me feel this way?”  If the answer is your parents or other family members, then the next thing you might do is try to communicate with your family about how you feel. This might seem like a scary task because you don’t want to rock the boat or make anyone feel worse in their grief. If this is the case, or if you think your concerns will fall on deaf ears, you might want to consider talking to a counselor about how to approach the situation or enlist the help of a family counselor to work with the family as a whole.

Now, you may find that you yourself are responsible for comparisons and expectations. This might happen for a number of reasons including insecurity, guilt, or the feeling that you need to pick up where your sibling left off.  If you think you might be the source of comparison, then some serious self-reflection is probably needed.

Acknowledging the truth of the situation is a good start, you’re in even better shape if you can identify why this is happening.  As you search for answers, you might find it’s helpful to spend time in reflection, journaling, or talking to a trusted confidant, support group member(s), or counselor.

 
 

Missed Opportunities

When a person dies, you are not only robbed of their physical presence in the here and now, but you (and they) also lose the chance to spend your tomorrows together. Your life after their death becomes filled with thoughts of “if only”, ” we would have”, and “I wish.”

This is obviously the case for missed opportunities in the future; the happy moments you wish you could have spent together like weddings, graduations, births, adventures, and family get-togethers. We talk a lot about how to handle these moments here and here and here. However, missed opportunities are also felt when people wish they could make up for all they didn’t do while the person was alive. For example, taking the chance to say “I love you”, “I’m sorry”, “I forgive you” and “I care”. 


You miss the hell out of them

Sibling relationships obviously vary in their degrees of closeness, love, and amicability.  Some siblings may be thick as thieves, others wonder whether they’re even really related.  Regardless, siblings are our ties to family bonds.  They have known us the longest. They understand our history and are the people with whom we have the longest running jokes.

They are our bridesmaids and our groomsmen. They are our children’s aunts and uncles.  They bail us out when we’re in trouble, they loan us money, and then we loan it back.  They are the most judgmental people we know.  They are the most accepting and loving people we know.  Siblings can never be replaced and when they are gone we miss the hell out of them.


As promised, you can find help locating sibling grief support on this page. Please comment below and share your experience with the death of a sibling and/or recommended resources.

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739 Comments on "Grieving the Death of a Sibling"

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  1. Madalin  October 8, 2020 at 11:21 pm Reply

    On 9/11/2020 my 20 year old brother took his life. No one knows why he did it, but he was struggling from depression but hid it from all of us. I’m only 23 so we were pretty close. Especially in high school. He was always my protector, and midnight food run buddy. We shared a walk growing up and whenever I knocked on it he always came running. I feel like a piece of my heart is gone. I was always driving him to his practices and I was at every swim meet, wrestling match, school function, and every single thing I could be at. I loved being his older sister, I loved taking care of him and spending time with him. He gave the best hugs, where he would just hold me. I miss him so much, and am struggling to come to the reality that I’ll never see him again, that I will never hug him again. He will never meet my future kids or be at my wedding this summer. I’m just heartbroken, but have to be strong for my parents.

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    • IsabelleS  October 9, 2020 at 11:02 am Reply

      Hi, I am so very sorry for your loss and for this pain you are being made to endure. My heart goes out to you. I know you want to be strong for your parents, but I want to remind you that you too are allowed to grieve. Be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to feel whatever it is you feel. You cannot be there for your parents unless you are first there for yourself. I suggest you check out this post: https://whatsyourgrief.com/grieving-suicide-death/ All the best to you and your family.

  2. Hector  September 26, 2020 at 7:40 pm Reply

    Hello, I recently lost my youngest brother He had just turned 15 earlier this year. As the oldest I was expected help out a lot which helped forge an immensely close bond with my brother Leo. Leo was born with a heart murmur and while growing up one of his arteries was not growing and he was going to require a surgery. Our middle brother of 19 years of age was born with a similar problem and has already undergone surgery. Leo went to get his surgery and since I had just recently moved away and was working at a hospital I attempted to limit my exposure to him because of COVID and did not want to put him at risk. Unfortunately the surgery did not go as planned and we were told he was going to need a heart transplant. We were all very hopeful, but could not see him due to COVID restrictions, they did however permit one of my parents to be present at a time so for two months my parents left work to swap off days to be with our youngest brother. I had been working 60 or more hours to make ends meet plus receiving support from other family members and friends. Unfortunately on the 15th of September 2020, I got a call from my mother who was with him that day and told me that I should come see my brother because myself and my other brother were going to be able to see him. I ran out of work at 3am and drove to my parents place to pick up my father and brother as we drove to the hospital we were all very silent not knowing what to say. Once we arrived we went up to see him and I got this horrible like knot in my stomach that I have not been able to shake since. We spoke with Leo, but he was heavily sedated. Then after some hours they said that the doctors wanted to speak with us. When they broke the news to us that they had done everything possible and that there was nothing that could be done I felt my heart sink. We spent the remainder of that day with leo and into the night. Eventually they allowed few family members to see him. we sat around with him and played some of his favorite music, the medication began to wear off slowly and he woke up in a lot of pain but he always held a smile. He began to raise his arms as much as hi body would let him and with all the strength he had he began to dance swaying his arms side to side. We spent his final moments with him until 2am the next day when we were told we could not wait any longer. I held his hand while they unplugged the machines that acted as his lung, heart and kidney’s. In that moment I knew we would no longer have another moment together. Leo and I were very close. He would message or call me for anything. Sometimes I would find it funny that he would ask me for permission prior to even asking my parents. Some days we would just talk, others we would play video games online. Now that he is gone I feel like I have to make sure that my parents are okay as well as my brother. As the oldest I was constantly reminded by family members at the funeral that I had to be strong and take care of everybody now. I know they don’t mean it with malicious intent but I feel like still have not been able to comprehend what it means for him to be gone. I still feel like he is going to step out of his room and run over to give me a hug like he always would. Then he would ask me if I was going to spend the night and we could hang out and play. I am 23 years old and we were roughly 9 years apart in age. I miss him like crazy and at the same time can not believe it.

    • IsabelleS  September 27, 2020 at 9:13 am Reply

      Hi Hector, thank you for taking the time to comment. I am so sorry for your loss and for this tremendous pain you are experiencing. I know it may not feel like it, but your feelings right now are completely normal. I understand how difficult it is that everyone is expecting you to be strong for your family. As difficult as it may be, it may be helpful to speak to your family members and other loved ones when they say things like this. It is so important that you communicate your own needs, and not just take care of others. Hope this brings you some comfort.

  3. Amikins  September 26, 2020 at 12:08 am Reply

    I lost my only sister a month ago to a heart attack. She was only 42. Our dad died back in March in his sleep from a stroke. I just feel sick with sadness and like I am walking in a nightmare.

  4. Maria  September 18, 2020 at 7:06 pm Reply

    I have grieved a sibling, but at that time my parents had already died. My son died in April 2020, covid age 38. I’m posting because I want to support my other children through their grieving process, and I want them to know their grief isn’t being overlooked. How can I best let them know.

  5. Angel  September 16, 2020 at 9:44 am Reply

    I lost my dad (july 2019) and my older sister (dec 2019). It was so hard for our family because we are still grieving from the loss of my dad when my sister died. Everyone around me kept telling me to be strong for my mom and my younger brother which I did. It was just so hard because I felt like I can’t be weak and show any sign of weakness for them. I had to be strong when every inch of me is hurting, breaking and all I really want is to break down and be weak. I just felt like people forgot that I’m grieving too and that I needed someone to lean on to. I can’t grieve the way I wanted to, I always hold my tears and it’s really killing me inside. I feel like any moment I’m gonna lose it. I feel like no one understands my pain. My sister and I are like twins, I’m 28 she’s 29. I also felt like I’m living in the shadow of my deceased sibling due to comparisons from relatives and friends.

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  6. M E2  September 16, 2020 at 2:03 am Reply

    Im sorry if my story is long i just need this off my chest. People dont know the struggle I face just about every day. I’m glad I stumbled on this blog post. Because I felt a lone and still do for the past 6 years. I’m still grieving the murder of my bestfriend/ big brother who was more like my twin but born 2 years apart. I was 25 at the time we both were attending college together and living together in Georgia he was a Computer Science major just 1 semester away from graduation. I can remember it like it happened yesterday. It was a day after his birthday he just turned 28 he was going to meet a friends I didn’t think to much of it, while I was at my internship. I was thinking ok he’s probably going to go out for his birthday weekend, so I got home no one was there so I decided to go spend some time with my boyfriend just on Friday. Then Saturday one of my friends who was staying with us came back to the apartment and it was destroyed I told her to go stay with one of your friends until I get back. I panicked I called my brother over 20 times that night, he never missed a phone call. My mom called me panicking and it was one of the worst cries I have ever heard, and the pain and guilt I was feeling inside was difficult to express and explain because my brother and I where supposed to keep an eye on eachother which we always did but, just this 1 time was all it took. I stayed with my boyfriend until I had to go back home on sunday and saw the livingroom was destroyed, the kitchen destroyed and his room destroyed but my room we untouched. I saw that a detective left their card on the counter in the kitchen. I did not want my boyfriend to leave me alone until I find out what was going on but he had to go but he stayed until my friend got there. That Monday felt like a walking nightmare, I got up went to my internship because I was still in my 90 days but they knew something was wrong I told them my brother never came home and I dont know where he is, I was in tears and i dont like to cry in front of people at all but that day i just could not hold it in. They told me to go home and get things settled so I did, i took the train home and walked from the train stop to my apartment. I called the police department and they told me that they are going to connect me to the coroner’s office. With my friend with me we went to identify my brothers body. I did not know I walked passed where my brother was killed that hurt me even more. That was the day my world came to an end and life was never the same having to tell your mother her only son who survived and life threatening accident when we where kids was gone. I felt guilt and shame, because I knew who did it because this person was bullying my brother and threatening him for 3 months had wanted to talk with him to apologize but that was a lie. It all came out in court in 2019 we got justice. My life, my family’s life, and all of his friends he knew all over the world lives are forever changed because we no longer have the one person who was a light in our lives here anymore. The outpouring of love that was recived from all his friends was appreciated. I lost 5 years of my life but I am now starting to remember and wake up from this nightmare after 6years. Even though the guilt and shame is still there from time to time, it finally feels good to be able to speak to my mom again without the full hurt, pain, guilt, and shame I felt in 2014. We are still healing but it so much better when justice served. My brothers image at the coroner’s office is forever etched in my brain. But I thank God for letting me know my brother is ok. This is a cautionary tale I will have to tell my children one day and when that time comes I will be open to let them know they had/have an uncle but his heart was to big for this world. Love on your loved ones while they are still here because you never know when their time on this earth will be over

    Thank you for having a place for people to share their stories of grief.

    Stay Blessed

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  7. Kaye  September 14, 2020 at 2:40 am Reply

    My little brother was my best friend. He was hilarious, so smart, a gifted musician, an amazing dad, and literally my best friend. He could light up any room he entered. Until the end. The last months of his life, he was the most miserable person I’ve ever been around. He allowed actions of other people to determine his mindset and happiness. On 9/11/10, my world stopped. I received a text from someone that said “omg your brother is threatening to kill himself and I don’t have time for this”. I immediately went to his house ( less than a block away and yes I called 911 before I even got there) and found out he had made good on his threat. The phone was still in his pocket from where he reached out to the only person he wanted affirmation from. I tried so hard to get him back, to open his eyes and wipe the blood from his nose and tell me he was just joking. I did CPR until the responding police officer made me stop for the medics to take over. He was not even 30 yet, still a child himself with so much to live for and so much love to give. It still feels like yesterday, despite it being 10 years and 2 days ago. He left behind so many people that thought he was a perfect, amazing young man – Most importantly, his daughters, my son, our parents, grandparents and me. If he had called me, we could have figured it out. But he chose to call someone else, and she didn’t have the time to speak to him despite him being her husband. I’ve tried for 10 years to understand. I hope he found the peace he needed, because I lost mine when he took his last breath.

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    • Sally  September 14, 2020 at 5:13 pm Reply

      Kaye,

      I know “I’m Sorry” does not take away the pain but while reading your post I am filled with sadness for you and me. I have lost my parents, and my four siblings in the span of 20 years but that is not all, I have felt suicidal many times during that 20 years. I have always managed to talk myself out of it because of the ones you leave behind. I wonder if he secretly suffered from depression and hid it from his family and the world. Those of us that suffer from depression learn how to mask it. Understand, I am just wondering, not assuming or diagnosing. I just was so touched by your story.

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  8. Kasandra  September 12, 2020 at 8:41 pm Reply

    I lost my big brother just under 9 years ago…. today is his birthday. he would have been 30. I’ve never really talked about how his death effected me. never really felt i could. since he died I’ve also lost our mom and our grandpa…. i didnt feel like anyone would understand. My entire family flocked around our grandparents when my brother died. They didnt even try to comfort my mom or me. i had to step up and try to keep my mom in one piece… obviously it wasnt going to work but i had to try. My family proved i couldnt talk about it to anyone. My stepdad tried to get me into therapy for a little bit but i fought. like i said i felt i had to be the strong one so i felt that i couldnt be strong if i talked to anyone. It hit me today almost 9 years later that while yes ive mourned i havent truly let myself mourn the way i should have from the begining. thank you for this. i needed help. and i needed to know i wasnt alone. i was only 17 when he died. my family let a 17 year old be the one to try to hold everything together. i think they may have done more damage to me then than they had ever done growing up

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  9. Kristen  September 6, 2020 at 10:36 pm Reply

    I lost my brother last Monday 08.31.20. He had been in the hospital since Sunday 08.01.20. He found out he had Coronavirus that Thursday 07.29.20 when he came down with a fever of 102F. That first week in the hospital he stayed on isolation and was having to wearing a C-Pap to help him breath. The following Monday 08.09.20 I came home from work hearing that my brother had been put on a ventilator in CCU. It’s very confusing on how he ended up there since he had been fine that week before. He stayed on the ventilator for the following 3 weeks until his heart could no long take all the sedatives and paralytic drug they had been administering him. I feel like my brother could have lived if he had been treated at a different hospital but his wife did not want to transfer him. I have all these feelings wrapped up inside me from being sad and depressed to being upset and angry. My brother was only 36. He did not deserve to die this early in life and I’m heartbroken knowing that my one and only brother who is my only sibling has left this earth and I will never see him again. I just would like to know how everyone copes with someone this close to you passing away unexpectedly. I never imagined this happening a month ago and now here it is September and he’s gone from my life. He’s gone from his 5 year old daughters life also who he’ll never get to see grow up. I feel lost without him

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    • Jo  September 16, 2020 at 1:59 am Reply

      I loss my brother 8/27/20 to a motorcycle accident. A man ran a red light and hit him. He died on the side of the road. He was one of the greatest people I ever meet and he was my protector and best friend😞 I miss him so much it physically hurts me. He left behind an 8 year old son….I’m sorry for your loss! May we both find the strength to find happiness without ever losing sight of our love for them. I think that’s my biggest obstacle… I don’t think I can ever be happy without him here💔

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  10. Janet H Jones  August 29, 2020 at 10:38 pm Reply

    I lost my big brother on Monday, just 5 days ago. We were extremely close and I am just crushed. I feel like he was robbed of 20 years of life as he was only 61 years old. He was one of my best friends. I feel like I’m living in a nightmare; I’ve never lost anyone close to me and it just feels like it’s not real. I suppose in time I will feel the reality of it and learn to accept it but right now I just wish I could turn back time. He bumped his foot, broke his toe and it became infected. After taking antibiotics the infection didn’t subside. He ended up in the hospital for 6 days where they pumped him with more antibiotics. He was released and the infection didn’t go away so he was given even more antibiotics. He died of acute liver failure which appears to have been the result of an overdose of antibiotics. This year is just too crazy to be true. I’m sooo heartbroken.

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    • Maria  September 18, 2020 at 7:27 pm Reply

      I truly feel for you and my other children. I lost my son age 38 to covid April 2020, they lost their brother. I to feel my son may have survived if treated elsewhere, something I couldn’t control. The reality is, the outcome may have been the same regardless. I know from previous experience with the death of my brother, that you can say a lot of ifs but in the end it doesn’t change anything. I’m sorry if that sounds harsh. The loss of my son has been the worst pain I’ve ever had, and I also know the pain of loosing a sibling. I feel for you and for my other children and all those who have lost loved ones to covid. Your grieve journey will be as individual as you. I hope you get the support you need.

  11. Pat Emily  August 29, 2020 at 7:25 pm Reply

    Yesterday, I learned about the tragic death of a younger sibling while surfing online. There was a 2-line notice on a website of a Crematorium where she had passed away. I was so shocked, I nearly passed out. The younger sister had become estranged from the family when when a man got her hooked on drugs and prostitution when she was in her 20’s. This was around 1990. She shunned the family for 30 years! Now, I accidentally learned of her death over 2 years ago inJune 2018. The circumstances of her death were tragic in that she lived alone and apparently had a stroke around June 20, 2018. Her remains were only discovered after 2-3 weeks, lying on the bathroom floor in a state of decomposition. She was cremated. Since she was estranged from the family, the Medical Examiner who performed the autopsy did not inform the family at the time she passed. Apparently they didn’t know who to contact. I only learned about her passing when I was online getting information for the genealogy work I do, when I chanced upon a site for the Crematorium that listed her as deceased. The online obiituary listed only a name she had assumed, her date of birth and death. There was nothing personal mentioned at all, nothing about her family, her life, etc. It was the saddest thing that I’ve ever seen. She died alone, was only found weeks later, and died without the love and support of her family. It is agonizing to discover this information after 2 years. I can’t imagine the horror and pain of her death.
    So, now my dilemma is how and whether to tell the rest of the my 5 siblings, who have medical challenges and are all in their 60s and 70s? My concern is that it may be overwhelming and they may suffer physical and emotional damage for life. It happened over 2 years ago, with no one knowing about it. Perhaps it is best to let it go without causing more pain and suffering to know that she thought so little of her family that she would not take precautions to have them notified in case of death or incapacity?

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  12. Sally  August 10, 2020 at 8:37 pm Reply

    I lost my sister and my best friend to cancer 20 years ago and I have never recovered from it. 6 months later her husband, my brother-in-law was murdered, some years after that I lost my brother Ron and after that, my brother Jim! In between all of these deaths I lost my Mom. My oldest brother passed away in 1980 and my father in 1982. I know this is to be about siblings but I am 67, my entire family is gone and I feel so alone with all the memories and no one seems to want to hear them. I miss them all so much and I grieve every day.

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    • Rainy  August 11, 2020 at 7:36 pm Reply

      (Email removed) I’m only 18 so I’m not sure if you’d want to talk to me.. I lost my brother 6 months ago. He was 21. There was no cause , I found him in his room and thought he was sleeping.. absolutely no cause.. I miss him terribly it feels like I woke up into hell. I could use somebody to share new prices with too.

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      • Dawn Mahoney  October 3, 2020 at 7:40 am

        My son (17) lost his little brother (11) in a bicycle accident in April. He is having a really hard time. I have him in counseling but he does not think it is helping. I am at a loss of what to do.

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    • Kelly  September 15, 2020 at 9:04 pm Reply

      I just lost my big sister, my only sibling. I’m 50 and she was 58 and all I had left. Just wanted you to know if you want to share something about story, I’d be happy to listen.

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  13. kevin roman  July 31, 2020 at 1:34 am Reply

    im 19 years old i lost my brother july 15 2015 5 years ago of a crystal meth overdose it scarred me for life as i remember the day i found out the news my mom started crying out loud after receiving a phone call while i was playing computer games and i asked whats wrong and she said my brother is dead i couldn’t believe it i was completely shocked and numb and it was confirmed when my brother’s brother picked us up to drive him and i saw his body and was in shock until the coroner took him in. As i was in his room i saw a note that said I’m sorry in his handwriting so i know he never meant to harm anybody when he must have realized he was dying ill never forget my brother I’ve been dealing with grief for the last 5 years now trying to make a life for myself and make my brother proud. I try my best to stay away from drugs because my family has a history of drug problems and i did have a period in my life of doing cocaine from 17-18 but now that im older i just want to let go of this grief and pain and become a successful person through persevering in the stock market and trying to form a band andcollege and whatnot.

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    • Rainy p  August 11, 2020 at 7:40 pm Reply

      I’m 18. My brother was 21. I found him in his room and thought he was passed out on Xanax few hours later he is still the same.. they say there was nothing in his system. They say there’s no cause. I felt your grief reading your comment If you ever want to talk my email is parkerrainy@gmail.com. I’ve been pretty horrified the last 7 months.. scared of my life.

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      • Cherry  September 2, 2020 at 1:25 am

        HI Rainy, my brother was the same. They couldn’t find a cause and we think he accidentally overdosed on xanax

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    • Danielle mcmichen  September 30, 2020 at 4:50 am Reply

      November 2nd will be a year that I lost my older brother, I still find it hard to believe it’s real. Much like alot of stories I thought my brother was passed out, but I never could get him up I called my mom to let her know and said I’ll call 911. Well when the firemen and paramedics got there, they tried cpr and by then my mom was at my house, my stepdad walked down stairs to tell us he was gone…I’ll never forget my mother’s scream, no her baby boy. He was sent to gbi for autopsy and it took 3 months before we knew what happened, but he accidentally died from od where someone gave him stuff laced with fentynol. He was only 37, and myself 35 at the time so we’ve always been extremely close, and I do seem to have more emotional moments getting closer to the year anniversary of his passing. I’m sorry of your loss and your not alone, I have several step brothers and sisters but he was my only one real brother and life will never be the same.

  14. Darla  July 16, 2020 at 1:52 am Reply

    I am 16 years old and my little brother Adrian who was 14 just passed away yesterday. I mostly feel like I blame myself and like I should have done something to let him know that he was not alone but nothing I ever said or did helped and I wished I would have tried harder. I wish I could have been there with him his final moments to let him know he is not alone or to hold his hand so he wouldn’t be hurting or be afraid anymore. I love my brother dearly and I will never forget him

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  15. Annie  July 1, 2020 at 9:47 am Reply

    Im from South Korea, and I lost my one and only older brother on 26th December 2019. He was 33 years old, and his name is Myunghyeon An. I was working in Uganda at that time. I still remember that day, my dad called me said you have lost your brother. He was found on the river ar 1pm with the freezing cold weather in my hometown.
    I flew back to Korea with the earliest flight after a call, and finally arrived at the funeral. I just couldnt believe anything, he said will see you after 7 months little one when we said good ye when i left korea. I still remember him as the nicest, coolest person. We miss him very much. He is just gone like this without saying one word, without anything left for his reason to leave. I still think about him a lot. I will remember him forever, until i die. The one and only one.

    Miss you so much my brother 명현.

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  16. Pamela Zavala  June 30, 2020 at 3:03 am Reply

    First I lost my older brother about 6 years ago. He was almost to his 34th birthday. He aspirated in his lungs from a od on pills. That was October 2014. After that I moved with my mom to take care c if her so she wasn’t alone. Then February 2017 my younger brother was found with a gun shot to b his head. They ruled a suicide, but I know my siblings and he would have never done that. He just turned 33 in October. He left behind a twin brother who has a major drinking problem. We all thought he would go next. Last week my sister died at age 45 have a C-section. She bleed out and her heart stopped. In this day and age it doesn’t make sense. It’s rare to die from complications of child birth. She was there eldest. Needless to say, my mom is falling apart losing 3 kids. I’m trying to hold it together and keep her afloat through it all. All I can think is none of this makes sense and how long before my last sibling is taken from this earth. I thought one was hard, two was unbelievable, now this. I don’t get it. This isn’t how life was suppose to be.

    Anyways thanks for listening.

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    • Louise  August 4, 2020 at 4:15 pm Reply

      I know exactly what your going through iam going through it now

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  17. April  June 19, 2020 at 12:29 am Reply

    I lost my brother Jason March 24 2020 they found him floating In his favorite pond the 28 of March 2020. I am lost without him me and him was two peas in a pod we screwed up together we straightened up together we always made sure we heard from each other no madder what . we lived with each other every time we was down we made sure we was ok fought over frozen pizza and cussed every now and agian. Always made sure mama and daddy was ok and not sad or tried too . Always went to the porch when anyone came over he played the guitar I sang . loved to grill loved the music loved our whole famliy! Every single one ! We where born and raised in Georgia I’m 37 years old youngest of two brothers don 45 Jason 40 and me 37 the only girl. I adopted out two of my oldest girls because I couldn’t do it I had my first at 17 I just couldn’t do it alone or so I thought . drugs was a big part of my whole entire family’s life except for my oldest sibling he really showed us all how we are soppost to live he became a preacher a couple years ago made us all so proud and gave us something to fight for . we all look up to him and was always scared to tell him the full truth . why ? Because we knew he couldn’t understand that his heart was and is to pure for the devilish ways we had lived we wanted to protect him . we loved him to much to keep breaking his heart. He is a true pure good hearted man that we all respect. I just can’t seem to face reality that my baby brother is gone . I can’t believe he swallowed meth and died drowned in water! I believe the law did it and was out to stop him and others involved with him I believe there is more to it than what the report says come on people you can fly helicopters over a city but can’t go looking for a man you heard scream in a pond splashing standing beside his abandoned truck you just ran down with a door open and keys in the ignition!!! Im not done with this by a long shot. !!! There is to much not adding up like my brother wouldnt swallow dope and he also can swim and knows that pond like his way to the bathroom at night! He can swim like a sailor and knew how to float and hold on to a stump many out there! Why was there only one bare foot print in the field my brothers size foot with boot prints following it! Also later after the so called investigation lol or what they called an investigation with no yellow tape out around scene the original people that found him call me to tell me they found one shoe these shoes where nikie floaters they don’t sink there was no mud on them there was dry clay in the print of the bottom of shoe the other shoe not found after the so called search even though he was completely bare footed. I went to ask for report of the incident they claimed they had none the state patrol did . that was a lie . I finally got one from the sheriff’s office two day after by email humm think they doctored it up????!! Don’t know but know something stinks and they hated him also there is more to this than I can even think of but I will go to any links to know what’s really going on am I over reacting ?

  18. Stephanie  June 10, 2020 at 11:55 pm Reply

    December 28, 2019, my beautiful sister died unexpectedly at the hospital. The day before she was rushed to the hospital struggling to breathe. They got her to the hospital gave her medication to which she responded to successfully. We all sat around her hospital room, my other sister, my children and my grandchildren. We laughed and joked….she was doing great! The doctor came in said everything was looking fine and said if all goes well she should be able to go home the next morning…maybe a day after that. Normally, we would never leave our love one overnight alone at the hospital but it was my husband’s birthday and though he had said he didn’t want to go out to eat unless she could go, we all went anyways because according to the doctor and to her, she was doing just fine. I awoke at 6something on the morning of Dec 28 to my daughter banging on the door “get dressed lets go something’s going on with Felicia” I immediately fell to my knees, then ran threw on clothes and slid down to the hospital (it was snowing). It was too late she was gone by the time I had made it. The doctor had no answers. He said he had no medical reason why she passed. He said she had an awesome night, woke up to go to the bathroom complained of a pain and died. I am so devastated, hurt , in pain. Trying to live life without her is unbearable as our family did everything together and I mean everything. Now the dynamics have changed…there is a puzzle piece missing, a piece of my life gone. I was told that she had told a cousin the night before that she didn’t want to die. She made that clear but yet no one of higher power heard or listened to her instead they took her from us. Now we are lost hiding behind out daily routines of life and suffering in silence. I have prayed for her to come to me in my dreams so that I know she is okay, but all the images I receive are of her crying, angry, upset, I have not received an image, dream, vision of her being settled or accepting. I need answers to why this is…….I’ve considered a medium because I need some answers. Thank you for allowing me to post my deep pain.

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  19. Amy  May 28, 2020 at 7:08 pm Reply

    Yesterday. My brother died. He was only 25. He died in his sleep. It was a normal morning or so we thought. My mom was screaming all of the sudden to get my dad because she found him in his bed with his lips blue and not breathing. My dad performed cpr on him but it didn’t work. They were both screaming and I was hiding in tiny spots screaming bloody murder thinking this isn’t real this isn’t real. My sister and other brother were here with us too. I prayed to God so hard asking for a miracle. But he passed away in his sleep. I feel so empty. I keep crying. We all keep crying. I have anxiety, I have depression, I don’t know how I’m going to live a normal life after I lost my brother, my best friend.

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    • Rainy p  August 11, 2020 at 7:47 pm Reply

      I lost my big brother the same way.. he was 21. My email is parkerrainy@gmail.com if you ever want to talk.

  20. Idk  May 27, 2020 at 3:42 pm Reply

    It’s heavy. It’s heavy a lot and to tell you the truth, I have no idea whatsoever as to when it will become light again.
    He isn’t here anymore. My 22 year old best friend and brother Miles. He is gone. He died on September 21,2020 because the cocaine he took had fetanol in it. I ache for him. The pain in my parents eyes is almost unbearable but the roles must be reversed for a while.
    I’m lost and I don’t know when I’ll be found again.

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  21. Ghazala Khan  May 24, 2020 at 6:47 pm Reply

    Hi everyone

    Are you all from USA as I noticed the time difference in the posts and most places mentioned as of USA. I am from UK

    GHAZALA

  22. Ghazala Khan  May 22, 2020 at 3:49 pm Reply

    My younger sister was 50 when she passed away from cancer just three months ago

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    • Jamie Herrera  July 15, 2020 at 3:13 am Reply

      Hello all my beautiful bereaved siblings,
      I’m so glad there is a post like this were many of you can share your sibling’s story with others who will understand. I lost my older brother a little of over 10 and a half years ago and it’s been a journey of mental illness and self growth since then. I have just made recent discoveries of my problem with perfectionism due to habits formed after my only sibling passed. I felt as though the only way to get my parents attention and to get them to hurt less is to be the “perfect” child that never did any wrong. But I was also dealing with severe depression and anxiety. I’m now finally able to identify these habits and I hope to work on them and teach myself that it was never my responsibility to cover for my brother. I wanted to pop on here and share a GREAT resource that has helped me in my grief since I was 6 months in. I believe it is also listed on the resources page that’s linked as well. My parents and I attended our first The Compassionate Friends National Conference before it had been a year since Jared passed. I have gone almost every year since then and have made so many friends who understand my grief through the sibling program. I’ve also run a workshop with a fellow TCF Sib where we talk about how we healed through our connections to each other. There are people who are bereaved like you who would LOVE to listen to your stories of your sibling. This year the conference was moved to an online format. But the sibling program does have a Facebook group (The Sounds of the Siblings, TCF Sibs) that you can post and get support through as well. You’ll have to request to join as they try and make sure that only bereaved siblings are in the group. Sending you all love. I hope this helps!

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      • Sally  August 10, 2020 at 8:42 pm

        Thank you Jamie, I will search for that Facebook page.

  23. joel  May 22, 2020 at 1:54 pm Reply

    I lost my brother, age 37, in February. He was addicted to meth for 20 years. He had a heart attack in his bed, and he was cold when his 12-year old son found him. He struggled with his addiction but he was a good father and loved his sons as much as any parent I’ve ever known. He was the funniest, most charismatic person, and he very rarely let his numerous problems show. He masked his pain with drugs, and was ashamed of his addiction to the point that it kept him from getting help. if you know anyone who is addicted to something like this, tell them that they should not be ashamed. they deserve help. people love them and would die for them.

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  24. Cassie Wengler  May 21, 2020 at 5:40 pm Reply

    I lost my brother about 2 years ago in a motorcycle accident. I was helping a friend move in to her brothers house. Her brother happened to be my boyfriend at the time. I remember the call I got from my dad about my brother. I was in such shock I couldn’t speak. I arrived to the hospital with my aunt and grandma about an hour later. Before my parents had called me, they were at the hospital and were getting no answers. All the nurses were saying they didn’t have anybody in that name. Finally they found the floor he was sent to and they were able to call family with all the information. I remember walking through the doors of the waiting room with most of my family who were able to make it there before me just crying non stop. I had never felt the way I did that evening. My brother died a day after turning 23 and he died on the scene. Doctors and nurses thought they could revive them but he was already gone. We spent ours waiting for them to tell us something. Finally they called me, my parents, and my brothers girlfriend to another room. My dad stayed behind because he just couldn’t handle it by that point. I cried more than anybody there. I was drenched in my own tears practically. My mom and his girlfriend held it together enough to help me through it.
    After his funeral day (he was cremated so we just had a service for him) I had gone home and tried sleeping in his room to feel close to him. Worst decision I ever made. I was not ready for that. My best friend since pre-k ended up coming over at 1am to spend the night and share memories we had of him. It had helped me a lot and she still helps me in that way.

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  25. Barbra J  May 7, 2020 at 9:42 am Reply

    I recently lost my sister 2 3 20 just seven months after I lost my mother at 68 years old my mother was my everything losing her I experienced grief however losing my sister at just 48 years old unexpectedly on a Sunday evening I got to talk to her earlier that day and that I love her good grief at times unbearable. I know now I could have health care in many ways it’s because I am a Pisces and I know things it it’s common knowledge to me and my entire life is not everyone understood and things like I did including my sister.
    And it’s true I never knew the struggle and she faced I’m a little girl she loved her girls so much they were her reason to live all these things I. Read of others grief I have experienced. My sister, my rock, best friend,mentore when I was in need she was there no matter.
    Never asking for help until my mom pass my sister and my mom were closest in any of the other kids a near each other inside and out never had a day without each other. And my sistr grieve my mother like I grieve my sister.
    Sadly I didn’t understand what she was going through until she was gone the fact that it was so quick and unexpected massive heart attack. Anyway I’m grateful it was quick but that night she connected with me I can smell her I feel her and I knew the moment of her transition.
    A moment my life my brothers lights my niece’s life as all the hearts ever touched by her heart and kindness.
    My sister Patty we never say no or to anyone down if they were in need.
    That was her gift to look past any and all outside shell and see the truth and the person within.
    Sis always saw the heart of those she encountered a gift as well .
    Recently before she passed she’s got to me about mom telling her and she saw with her heart we heart It mom said it was her gift she cherished that so so much.
    As with my mother and my sister what is a giver gifter always wanting to help give hope be helpful she was my angel. A grief so fresh deep with my heart unlike any emotion I have ever experienced or knew I could experience.
    Thank you for this opportunity to share this bit. Be blessed

  26. Liz  May 6, 2020 at 12:28 pm Reply

    My twin sister died 7 months ago after losing her fight against a rare cancer she had. She only lasted 4 months in cancer treatment and later had a multitude of strokes that led her to be paralyzed on one side. She was too weak for surgery and she never wanted to rely on a machine to live so we took her home with hospice, she died a week later. We were only 16, she wanted to work for NASA, go to a good college, and settle down. She had big dreams. From most of my time grieving I felt empty, I sometimes still do but after therapy I felt better. It doesn’t hurt to talk about her but I still miss her. What is the most heartbreaking, is that I hear my older brother cry alone at night, my other brother struggle to get psychiatrist drugs for the depression he developed, and my parents seeking all assistance from God. A God I no longer believe in after she was gone, they tear up often at church. My older sister is doing good she was the strongest but that means she suffered the most.

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    • Amanda Palmer  July 14, 2020 at 10:46 pm Reply

      I feel for you so much. My little sister died July 10th 2020. Everyone called us twins. She was 31 and I am 33. We were as close as you could be. We did everything together. She was who everyone went to for problems or help. She was insanely funny and incredibly beautiful. We had so many inside jokes and dances. You have those conversations only you and a sister could have. She also had a rare cancer. She found out Feb 21st she had stage 4 cancer. Mayo clinic didnt know what it was and then they sent it to a place in Washington and no one knew what kind it was. Closest thing they could think was an angiosarcoma in heart, brain, lungs, abdomen. The chemo was too aggressive she had strokes, radiation worked for days and they grew right back. She decided to be on hospice and after 2 weeks she passed away. She left her son Noah (9yrs old). His dad isnt in the picture. I feel for him so much because he will never remember how amazing she was. It isnt fair losing a sister. Grandparents and even parents you expect but never a sister. Im sick of people telling me its gods plan because it makes no fucking sense.

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  27. Kathy  May 6, 2020 at 11:47 am Reply

    April 13th will be the five year anniversary of my big brother’s death. I still mourn him. I miss him. He killed himself. I don’t know why. I’m sorry I couldn’t save him.

    • Madalin  October 8, 2020 at 11:25 pm Reply

      Hi Kathy,
      My brother recently just took his life less than a month ago. He was my little baby brother, and I just don’t know why I couldn’t save him. I would’ve pulled him out of any hole or done anything for him. Does it get easier? I know it’ll never be easy, and I’ll always miss him. I just need to know if the hurt will ever get lighter.

  28. Hayley  April 30, 2020 at 12:47 pm Reply

    I’m 40 this year, my brother was 36 when he was killed on New Years Eve 2019, he was knocked off his motorbike. This has completely crushed me, it sent me to a place of grief where I felt i was drowning in my thoughts and feelings. We had not been in touch for the last 5 years. But that wasn’t to say we didn’t love each other, we just chose different lives. This last year my brother was choosing to have a better life and I was ready to acknowledge his achievements and rebuild our relationship but sadly that chance was taken away. The shock of loosing my brother turned me inside out and my body seemed to want to shut down. Luckily I have had amazing support from family and friends who have helped me recover and get through this. I also lost my dear Grandma 18 months ago to cancer which shattered me and my family..She was the most amazing lady. I understand there are diseases and that accidents happen , which I believe God did not create.. we do. God doesn’t want us to suffer and so our bodies are able to deal with the 5 stages of grief at our own pace. Some days are harder than others and the harder days eventually start to reduce. Writing this today is a step forward for me. Life must go on and I will for my brother and Grandparents get back to enjoying the beauty and gift of life.

  29. C  April 12, 2020 at 11:20 pm Reply

    My sister died on Friday, April 10th 2020 after a long fight with breast cancer. She was 45. It hurts so bad inside, like my grief is trying to crawl out of me through my tears. She was my half-sister, and we only met once in the 90s when I was a little girl. Because our family has a lot of bad blood, we only were able to really communicate in the last few years, after she was diagnosed and I had cut ties with toxic family that had kept us apart. Turns out we had a lot in common, and I felt like I was finally getting to have her in my life. It was a bittersweet time. I was reluctant to let myself get too close, because my experience with our family relationships has not been very positive. But it has really hit me these past couple of days how much she meant to me, and how much I looked up to her. Our pain was shared, our love for each other and our other siblings was mutual. Even though the was a sixteen year gap between us, and we lived multiple states from each other, it felt like she had always been there waiting for the right time to tell me how much she cared.
    Now that she is gone, I feel gutted, but also guilty for being heartbroken when her mom, aunt, our brother and her daughter were with her through this whole process and I was not. They truly knew her, and have the right to mourn deeply. But I am not just grieving her death. I’m grieving the missed opportunities, the years of misunderstanding, the time that slipped through our fingers. I’m deeply aware that I’ll never get to make new memories with her, will never spend time with her in person, won’t get to say I love you and I’m sorry ever again. I’m so bitter, but trying to be grateful for the time we had.
    Anna, I love you so much. Don’t worry about me, I’m strong like you, it’s in our blood. In my heart you’ll always be the most beautiful woman my child eyes had ever seen. I’ll never stop admiring your courage. I can only try to honor your love by staying true to myself, no matter what. I still feel your love. Thank you for being my sister.

  30. Britney  April 10, 2020 at 12:12 pm Reply

    It is coming up on the 4 year anniversary since my big brother passed away. He was 34 years old and was taken by cancer. So many things in this article and comments have made me feel less alone. I do feel as though my grief and loss are less important than his two kids, aged 20 and 7 now, and his wife, and our parents, and even his other half sister because I felt like he and her were so much closer. However my grief and loss is real, too, and it hits me hard sometimes from some of the most random things. (Gosh just writing this has me in tears) I am left with feeling guilt that I didn’t call him more or go see him more. I feel guilty and selfish that I am upset that he wont be there to help me when our parents pass away. I know that I won’t be completely alone in that I will have my husband and amazing sister in law, but it’s not the same. I looked up to him for my entire life and thought he was the coolest person ever and now it kills me that he never got to meet my two kids, his niece and nephew. And I know it’s weird, but I then feel so guilty complaining about that when his sister wont get to have him at her upcoming wedding, or his daughter wont get to have him walk her down the aisle or see her graduation. His son was so little when he passed and is missing him through all of his years growing up. His parents shouldn’t have had to lose him. It’s just not right to have to go through the loss of your child. And his wife to have to lose her partner who would have shared their whole life together. It kills me inside how unfair it all is. But one thing that has helped me is that he isn’t hurting anymore. The last month or so he was in so much pain, all I wanted to do was take it for him. And I feel that the hurt I feel now is God’s or the universe’s way of granting my wish. I will gladly feel the pain of his loss for the rest of my life so that he can be without that pain. I wish I had told him how much he meant to me and how I admired and looked up to him. He was such an incredible and talented and kind and fun person to be around. I am so blessed and thankful that I got to have the time with him I did have. I am beyond thankful and blessed that he made me an aunt to those two phenomenal kids who I love with all my heart. They both keep him alive in being a part of him, and that’s a beautiful thing. He also gave me a big sister, who is just so amazing and strong and kind. She even through her own grief has helped me with everything in so many ways. She and her Mom made pillows out of some of his shirts and hoodies. She and my Niece got my two babies these beautiful wall hangings about how their uncle is their guardian angel. I am also so very thankful for the support from my husband who has been my rock through all of it. And he was grieving the loss of a brother as well. Like the article says, any loss strikes multitudes of people and we have to come together to support and console each other. Each and every one of us experience something different in loss, and we need to understand that. Hopefully someone will read my story and feel a little less alone, too. Hugs to everyone out there who needs one.

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  31. Molly McGuire  April 10, 2020 at 11:04 am Reply

    Thank you for this article. I have felt alone in my grief a lot. I lost my sister 5 years ago. She was 51. We were very close. My parents were in their 80’s and died a couple of years after my sister. The part in the article about the need to build new support systems resonated with me.

  32. Susan  April 9, 2020 at 1:21 am Reply

    I lost my older brother a week ago, he went to sleep and never woke up, he was 44, I’m heartbroken and miss him so much. He was my best friend as well as brother. I wish there was something I could have done to help him get his health sorted out this might never have happened. I feel selfish for wanting him to still be here with me, it’s been hard for me to accept that He is gone, I can feel his presence, I’m sorry, I love you, please forgive me, thank you

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    • Debby  August 10, 2020 at 1:21 am Reply

      I lost my brother in less than three weeks a go, he was 44yrs old! the pain is uberable!I am broken into pieces not sure what to do!

  33. Mary Mohammed  April 5, 2020 at 11:28 pm Reply

    I lost my brother to leukemia when he was only 16 years old, 2 years ago, and still can’t sometimes fathom that he is really gone, and will not see، talk, argue, fight or just being with him, it still breaks my heart when I think about him، see pictures or just anything that reminds me of him . I love him so much and wish that I can talk to him one more time, and ask him to forgive me if I have wronged him or saddened him or just anything, I love You so Much little brother and wish to only have a moment or two with, to tell you how much I adore, love and cherish you. Love You now and beyond xxx, I just watched your funeral and broke down by myself in the dark. I love you so much

  34. Elyse  April 5, 2020 at 3:37 pm Reply

    I lost my little brother on March 28, 2020. He passed away in our family home. Surrounded by loved ones. He was only 29 years old. My husband and I did CPR for 10 minutes waiting for the ambulance to arrive. EMT’s arrived and continued to try and get a heart rhythm back . I’m devastated at this loss. It’s not fair. I can’t fathom living life without him. His laugh, his voice… hearing his footsteps. I feel so guilty. I couldn’t do my only job as a big sister, I couldn’t protect him- I couldn’t make this better for him. I miss him so much.

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  35. Heartbroken  March 15, 2020 at 1:46 am Reply

    I lost my brother, yesterday, 26 hours ago. I’m so heartbroken and lost. He was only 42 years old and didn’t have one enemy. He never turned his back on me even when others did. There wasn’t anything I couldn’t tell him.

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    • Kristy  March 16, 2020 at 11:26 am Reply

      Saddest news. I’m so deeply sorry. Your brother is a part of you forever. You will meet him again xox

    • Lonely One  March 27, 2020 at 3:38 pm Reply

      I know how you feel. My brother passed away March 24, 2020. I’m still crying. We were so close, talking on the phone or texting every day just to check in. How can he not exist any more?

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    • Debby  August 10, 2020 at 1:23 am Reply

      Wow! your brother sounds like mine very joyful person! no enemies ! anhh

  36. CheriJo  March 2, 2020 at 12:02 am Reply

    I didn’t know what I would find when I googled, “my brother died 40 years ago.” I found a place to put the incredible sadness I’ve felt all day. Some anniversaries are harder than others. This one has really thrown me. Today is Sunday, and it was a Sunday morning when my mom called and told me to come to the house. I was 21 at the time. When I arrived, I found out my brother had died in a car accident. He had been drinking and he was 20 years old. I really appreciated the article and the validation around feeling like my feelings weren’t allowed to be felt. My parents literally fell apart. It felt as though I not only lost my brother, but also my parents, as they closed ranks in order to survive. I was left to take care of the details that must be tended to when someone dies. My relationship with my parents, fractured and has been permanently changed. Every time we are together, the realization that my brother isn’t with us is palpable, although my parents seldom talk about him. As I get older, I miss him more. I feel an incredible longing for him. I’m so envious of people with siblings. Thank you.

    • Charley  September 7, 2020 at 11:13 pm Reply

      Hello,

      Just wow. Everything you said was like I wrote it. I was 16 when my 26 year old brother died in an alcohol related car crash. I wasn’t sure my dad would survive it. He was hospitalized for suicide/depression etc. on more than one occasion. It’s been 14 years and lately I’ve been feeling it like it was yesterday. He was everything to me and I still feel him every single day. Lately I’ve also been feeling much more resentment about others with siblings because of what they take for granted. I would kill to have some of those problems with my brother that they claim are so awful. Sending you love. ❤️

  37. Somewhere far  February 26, 2020 at 8:25 am Reply

    It’s very hard for me to be open right now and share my story. Initially I had googled how to get over the anger of someone killing your sibling. And I stumbled across this website. But I felt maybe if I do I will feel better. I doubt it but it is worth a try. At the moment I feel lost and confused. I just feel sad and hurt. I feel nobody around me understand how I feel. I find it very hard to express myself because everyone is in a hurry. Nobody really makes to time to just hold a deep conversation so I never have a chance to really go deep. But I wish I could. I lost one of my brothers at the age of 16. I am now 24. This was just a year before I lost my father. So this was devastating. I’ll never forget being alone at my aunts. Scrolling on Facebook and finding out his death on Facebook. It kills me to even think about it but I have to. My brother was shot in the head along with his best friend. He was set up by his first cousin. He paid a person they both were close to at the Time to kill them both. Nobody has yet been arrested and I now understand no justice will be served. But it usually isn’t. I have a lot of anger in me that I hide. More so pain. I am hurt. Mainly because these were people we trusted. Slept in our home. They were all so close.
    And you set him up? I am heart broken. And till this day fearful that I may run into them. I have not yet recovered from that lost. Fast forward to a few years later at the age of 21 I lost my other brother to a accidental overdose. Fentanyl and alcohol. I had just saw him that morning and told him I’d see him when I get home from work. I never saw him when I got home from work. The hospital called my mom and asked her if she could come in the hospital and identify a phone. We knew what that meant. I’ll never forget actually driving to the hospital. I was on the phone With someone that worked there maybe a doctor I’m not sure. And I just remember asking over and over again. Please tell me if he’s alive. They said to just come in they wouldn’t tell me so I kept asking then they finally said he was dead. Just let Iike that “He’s dead” my body was in complete shock. I have no control over it. I couldn’t stop shaking. Heartbroken. I had to be strong for my mom in that hospital. On top of his gf being there faking as if she was pregnant crying and causing a scene and we believed it. We were vulnerable. and she knew that. Again heartbroken. On top of finding out he was with friends and they just dropped him off at the hospital and left him. Or that they could have called 911 and he could of been alive today. I have not yet grieved over any of those deaths. My dad nor my brothers. Now I am 24 and I just lost my mother to cancer 8 months ago. It is only me left. And right now in this moment. I just want to run away. I want to run away from this pain and life. It has been so so hard. And I just want one person to look at me and understand strong people get tired too. I am so tired. I appear strong to family and friends. The whole world. But only if they knew what lays beneath the surface. Only if they took the tome out and understood even though I’m acting distant I don’t need any space. Even though I smile and joke and laugh I am dying inside. Literally. I feel my heart dying. I am trying each day to do my best and make something out of myself. But I am losing hope. It may just be a weak moment because I know I can not give up. I want so much for myself. But I’m angry. I’m so so so angry. Anyone who reads this I know you don’t know me but I ask that you please pray for me. Because I desperately need it. I’m not sure what the universe has planned for me. I just will keep taking each day a step at a time. I can write a book about my life but I just wonder who would care enough to read? Or will I even be alive to finish the story. I’m not sure

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    • Chantelle’s sister  March 27, 2020 at 12:34 am Reply

      I prayed for you tonight. Exactly one month later. I hope you are okay, whoever you are & wherever you are. I’m 25 years old and I lost my 30 year old sister 3 weeks ago. I’m so angry. I have dealt with loss before. Distant relatives and many friends. I thought I knew what grief was. I had no idea. I feel guilty every second that I’m not crying, which is rare. If I laugh or smile at something, I then think “how dare I laugh, my sister is dead”. Like somehow if I’m not falling apart for even one second of the day it means I don’t love her. Like she is going to think she’s not important to me. I avoided any pictures of her obituary for a few days. I was just afraid of the agony I would feel when I’m forced to see its real. She died of congestive heart failure. At 30 years old..3 kids and a husband left behind. She had an infection going on for years that no one knew about. So naturally I blamed every doctor she’s ever seen for her death. Because if I don’t have someone to blame then I blame god. I can’t help but be angry at god. It’s funny I always believed in heaven but now that my sister is gone it seems too good to be true. Because I want that for her so bad. I’m so afraid to get my hopes up that I’ll see her there one day. Reading these comments honestly helped me tonight, and so did writing this. “Somewhere far”, I hope you are okay tonight. & I hope somehow you get to read this.

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    • Tammy Moore  April 7, 2020 at 3:39 am Reply

      There are no words for your pain. The only thing that will get you through this is your faith! First of all you need to remember you want to live, you just don’t know how to live with this pain! I promise you… if you sit down , close your eyes ( Let the tears fall) say to God even if you’ve never prayed. Lord, please heat my prayer. I don’t understand why or how but I am silent at your feet and put my pain in your hands.. please forgive me of my trespasses and carry me! Tell him you are nothing without his strength. Tell him how angry, sad, confused and questing life in general. The only relief you can get is my talking to God! He will carry you and ease the suffering or at least help you to know how to combat trigger feelings! You are very fragile, rightfully so! You need a team mate for those times it just needs to be heard. I can’t d rn day that anyone could understand your pain, this is a lot to endure one person. But, you must live!!! You must go on!! There is more for you I promise. You will never be able to breath deeply again unless you inhale the sweetness of God! 5 years ago started a series of bad events in my life as well! Suicide, betryl, stealing, all kinds of in fathomable events! I couldn’t cope but had a 10&12 year old and knew I couldn’t go anywhere! Felt like can’t live and can’t die, what the hell is this?? I did just this. And every time I start to feel a wave of emotion I confront it and speak to the Lird ( or whoever you have faith in) if aim I. The shower I close me eyes quickly and began to pray. Just talk like your taking to your best friend! It will start to trigger a feeling of being carried and trust. He will not let you down! You can never give up though! Lie is not what happens to us it’s what happens FOR us!!! Only you can help yourself dismantle these feelings and categorize your thoughts and feeling! Write them on a piece of paper!! When you confront your feeling and dismantle you can start to understand and therefore start to live again. You can do this.. I will pray for you and for your strength! All the best….

  38. Joseph Kerr  February 23, 2020 at 12:32 am Reply

    I lost my sister a year and a half ago. Today, I came across a photo of her on Facebook and it’s really messed me up. My sister had a long struggle with substance abuse, which I never judged as we were both raped/molested by an uncle. However, I left her. I needed to separate myself from the whole family so that I was okay. Looking back it may not have been the best decision but it is the only thing I knew how to do to be happy. You see my uncle who raped my sister and me was still around all of the time (my family told me that I should get over it, or what did I expect them to do since he was their relative too). Well, I stopped talking to her because I didn’t want to be around her addiction and the family situation. Well, about 2 years old I was told by my mother that she was in jail, even though my mother did not visit her there. She was in jail for prostitution. I visited her there and wrote her a letter. She told me to make sure to take care of her kids for her. Well, she was released shortly thereafter (she was in jail for a few months) and she died of a drug overdose. I don’t know what state of mind she was in. I keep thinking about whether she was sad and lonely – and that she did it on purpose. That she was saying goodbye to me when I last saw her. I feel really sad and guilty. I wish I wasn’t so selfish and I could of told her that I loved her. This picture I found of her was during a time that I wasn’t talking to her. I wish I knew what her life was like then – was she happy? was she sad? was she alone? I don’t know but it kills me that she could of been sad and I wasn’t there for her. It’s so unfair that she had to go through so many awful things and I wasn’t there to tell her that I loved her. I don’t know if I will I will be ever able to figure myself. I just can’t help but think about my sister feeling like she was alone in the world and no one cared about her.

  39. Alanna  February 15, 2020 at 5:16 pm Reply

    This has been such a beautiful thread to read. I am so thankful for all of the stories and compassion. It is sad to be here, but what a beautiful community of people. So much love.

    I lost my little sister one month ago tomorrow. She passed unexpectedly on January 16th, around 10 30 in the morning, at only 21 years old. Grief is a feeling I could have never imagined. The full belly wail of a noise your body produces is frightening.
    I know I will have a lot to work through, and the idea of this sadness weighing my heart down for the rest of my life is overwhelming.

    There is guilt, anger, and regret. I cared for her in a way she felt my mother couldn’t. I was desperately trying to hold her hand and cheer her on while she threw herself full throttle into recovery – any kind of recovery – but she simply wasn’t ready to find in herself reasons to live and be happy. I think of all of the times we went to the hospital, to detox groups, to CAMH, the time I called the police on her. Her pain was so complicated. It was compounded trauma, abandonment, addiction, a never availing anxiety, sleep depravation. She got to the point where I don’t think she could make it through the morning without drinking. The what ifs are overwhelming.

    The hardest part about all of this is that she didn’t mean to go. Her heart simply stopped. I am sure it was due to the stress her body was under from her relentless substance use, but maybe it was also in part because of how much she had been able to eat that week, how much water she had been able to drink, how many hours of sleep she had been lucky to have. All we have gotten from the forensic scientists is “inconclusive”.

    Her anxiety riddled her with fears of dying. She often spoke about how she was afraid to fall asleep, or afraid of slipping in the shower. She often begged me to come keep her company. Of course life is cruel, and in the way of paying rent I wasn’t always available. I was tired. We had been working through this for a long time. I think a part of me thought she was invincible. My job as a front line worker also had me thinking that she was going to be okay – there was so much love and support, so many resources, so many services. She was lucky. We were all so lucky.

    The worst bit is that she was my best friend. Though I suppose this is also the best bit. I loved her so fucking much. We shot the shit together, she made me goofy, her smile was so incredibly infectious and her laugh was so beautiful. I hated how much she was on her phone, but now I am so thankful. I am so thankful to be able to watch clips of her laughing, doing “the floss” furiously, rollerskating with her friends, and even shoving me into the ocean after having tried to pose for a photo that never happened.

    I find myself really terrified of forgetting all of the little things that made her so beautiful. She was so annoying, the sort that made my eye twitch sometimes, but so loving and so kind. Her company was and is like nothing else in the whole world. Two summers ago we went to Peru together, hiked through mountains for almost a week, and finally arrived at the “money shot” spot in the ruins of Machu Picchu. It was overcrowded, loud, and full of all of the worst tourist types. And so we left as soon as we could. I have said to a few people when we speak about her that nothing quite says that you’ve lived more than hiking with blistered and bloody toes to a World Wonder only to leave early out of annoyance.

    I find myself talking to her a lot. I have spent a month hugging her shirt on the couch, ignoring the world. It is going to be weird trying to get back into a routine. Nothing quite feels worth it, nothing makes much sense. I just have to keep reminding myself how much she loved me.

    Again, thank you for all of these stories. It means more than any of you could know.

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  40. Stephanie P  February 1, 2020 at 3:18 am Reply

    I lost my younger brother January 28, 2018 to a tragic and unexpected overdose in his own bedroom. Our older sister and mom found him. I was 7 months pregnant at the time. He was 25 and I had just turned 27. We were only 18 months apart. Our entire childhood, we were inseparable. He was my best friend and the one person I could depend on and trust with anything. We fought ALL the time but it was because we were so close. As we became adults we were still close, always lived under the same roof until I moved out because I had children. He would watch my kids so I could work, before I had daycare. I knew he was struggling about a year before he died with substance abuse. He had stolen from me when I was pregnant a few times and it killed me but I always forgave him. He knew the pin to my debit card, because that’s how close we were and I always trusted him up until he stole. His addiction happened so fast and my mom was in denial. She didn’t think her only son had a problem. He was her youngest and he could do no wrong. I work in substance abuse and mental health. My brother knew this. He just never had the chance to get help and I blame myself for not doing something about it. I was so mean and hard on him about his addiction but to clients I work with who suffer the same as him, I showed more compassion for. How awful is that?! It doesn’t make any sense to me. His death never leaves my head, not even for a minute. His 2 year anniversary just passed a couple days ago but regardless of that, it had never left my head. It’s all I think about. Even when I’m at work, watching tv, doing my regular mommy duties, or even when I get up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom, it’s what I’m thinking about. This is not normal. I’ve gone to therapy but it’s been a while but I start going again in a couple days actually. I know my grief is different than my parents and my 2 other siblings. My mom has been a wreck ever since. Her and I share similar grief and she can’t help me because of how bad her grief is. She knows how bad I’m suffering but she feels helpless. Her and I even went and saw a spirit medium together to get some closure which did help because before that I was constantly worrying about where he was and if he was scared and alone. I knew my brother was afraid to die and it killed me not knowing if he was okay. My dad and brother had a complicated relationship and my dad feels a lot of regret but he seems to deal with my grief pretty well and my step dad acts like everything is fine. I never once saw him cry. He’s been in our lives since we were 9 and 10 years old. He’s been a huge part in raising us. It’s crazy how everyone deals with it differently and I’ve been hanging on by a thread for the last 2 years. I gave birth shortly after he passed and I already had a 5 year old and 1 year old. I was in a very fragile state. It’s almost like I’m obsessed with him being gone. When he died, it’s like he took part of me with him and I’m not the same person anymore. I’m lost and everyday I’m just living and carrying on with my daily routine of working and being a mom but I’m not happy and I know it’s because he’s gone and I feel an emptiness and I feel like I could’ve helped him more and I blame myself..

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  41. Shawn's Sister  January 25, 2020 at 8:27 pm Reply

    12,965 days on Earth. When I live another tomorrow, it will be 1 more than my oldest sister did, and the next day another one more, and so on.

    It’s a milestone of grieving that I wasn’t sure exactly what would mean but I knew I hated it and dreaded it and was so compelled to triangulate it to the day. God I’m glad it’s finally here and over, I feel freed from the shackles of this arbitrary time limit I had imposed upon myself (and her). Up to this point I’ve been tracing my sister’s trajectory and ending at this sort of dead end where there’s no longer a precedent for a day in her life that I could traverse. I used up the last of her 12,965 days.

    It took getting here with no plan to devise a plan. So now I get to take her on my own path. Each day starting with +1 (tomorrow) is my gift to her, showing her what comes next and celebrating new milestones with her. I don’t have to live anymore behind a depressing, expiring clock. Now each day is fresh. I’m her host, and I take the lead with pride.

    I’ll never forget the 5,042 days (13 years, 9 months and 19 days) I lived without Shawn and being her baby sister. That’s the same amount of days she lived without me before I was born, so we’re equal now. And now I’m ready to continue on.

  42. Rebecca  January 22, 2020 at 7:27 pm Reply

    I lost my big brother 4 days after Christmas 12/29/19. We had so much hope for 2020 being the best year ever, little did I know he would never see it. He was my brother, my father. my best friend rolled into one. I am only here today because he always looked out for me and made sure we stayed together. We were moved from foster home to foster home to an orphanage and then adopted. I was 81/2 and he was10. They tried to separate us, but at age 6 he asked for an attorney and fought to keep us together. He was the closest person to me and I am beyond devastated. We survived a lot of things because we were together and now it’s just me, I can’t even process that. I always new everything would be ok as long as I had him. He came to my senior prom because I had just broken up with my boyfriend and didn’t want to go, he went with a friend of mine and we had a blast. He was in my wedding, god father to my children and I’m god mother to his. We were inseparable and now I have to live the rest of my life with out him. He was 46, I’m completely devastated and in shock. He was the strongest person I knew. Literally he carried a solid oak pool table up a hill by himself. I don’t know how to cope with this.

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  43. Aina feyisayo  January 18, 2020 at 5:33 am Reply

    Today makes it 18 days i lost my brother, Dec 31st 2019. A straight bullet hit him where he was eating at a hotel in my area… I feel lost without him,i feel like i cant carry on without him, we two were d only graduate of my family and now he is gone and i feel like am all alone… Everybody keeps telling me u need to be strong but they dont understand that i dont even understand what strong is,i have to put up a strong look when am with my mum because everybody is so concerned about her but they dont underatand how i feel, they dont know that am dying inside… I hide in my room to cry, to hold his cardigan to my nose to smell his scent, i listen to our voice call that was saved on my phone everyday and i even still message him on WhatsApp to see may be he can still respond… Seeing my brother in a pool of blood is something i cant get out of my head, i feel more pain even when people send their condolences, it is like the wound keeps opening … I still cant believe he is gone , nothing is making sense in my life right now and i dont even know how to hear from this

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  44. Amanda  January 13, 2020 at 12:47 am Reply

    I lost my older brother September 2019.
    To an accidental overdose. Mum and I were the ones that found him.
    He was 26 when he died.
    I’ve never spoken out about it really before but after reading all these stories, I know people are feeling what I’m feeling.
    He was only a year older than me. His birthday is.. I mean, was, tomorrow. He would of been 27.

    He left behind his two beautiful children, my niece and nephew. His daughter is old enough to know (6). His son will never remember him and that breaks my heart because Kyle (my brother) was the most happy go lucky guy you could ever know.

    Tomorrow will be one of the hardest days.
    I just miss my big brother ..

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  45. Anna  January 7, 2020 at 4:40 am Reply

    My only sister who was 10 years older than me passed away on 12/19/19 she had a long cancer battle and spent nearly 60 days in the hospital. They removed a tumor that grew next to her sciatic nerve. She was finally released on 12/13 and things were looking promising. She was rushed by ambulance to the ER after a bad night and she woke up lethargic..sepsis had set in on the surgical wound from the 10/31 surgery. They started treatment and she was stable then suddenly her vitals changed and she passed that night. I spent many of the 60 days with her at the hospital as we never left her alone even 1 night. What we thought was our sacrifice to stay at the hospital was actually a gift. I cherish every minute I spent with her. We said beautiful things to eachother we laughed we extremely enjoyed each-others company. We once laughed thru several hours of chemo infusion..and thought wow how can anyone laugh thru chemo. I wanted to be her strength, to show her in every action that she mattered, she appreciated every action immensely, when in all actuality it was my honor… I don’t think we can ever not have some regrets..mine is I wish I could have stayed more days, it made her SO happy when I was there, the week she was released I brought my 86 year old mom and we stood 4 days sleeping on 1 cot for a total of 2 hours max the whole 4 days, I was exhausted and had to come home to San Diego & bring my mom home to rest too- we came home Friday and she was released Saturday. She was in Los Angeles & We did not see her until that Thursday when we got the call that she went to ER – I regret not staying that whole week – I miss her so so so much- we grew so close in the last 3 years after not speaking for over 5 years…we picked up like we never had stopped. I have to be strong for my 86 year old mom & my niece and 2 nephews but in all actuality Im falling apart- this grief consumes me, We used to text lots if pictures and GIFs and prayers we loved our Catholic faith together and now I don’t have anyone that can ever replace that relationship we shared, I feel so so lonely without her, she was my bestest bestest friend!

  46. Rachel Foster  January 6, 2020 at 1:54 pm Reply

    This year will be 7 years and in 20 days I will turn the age my sister was when she passed. Everything about this puts me on edge….

  47. Lea  January 3, 2020 at 9:08 pm Reply

    on June 19th 2009 I lost my twin brother to an overdose. He was Bipolar and been fighting with his girlfriend about their daughter and he was so upset about it I told him to just wait for us we’ll be there in tomorrow afternoon to pick him up he can come over then stay at my other brother’s house. The next day I got up and was cooking breakfast and getting things together wondering if my older brother had picked him up yet because he had asked him to pick him up earlier than the afternoon. I get a phone call from my Sister In law. Hes in the hospital in ICU please come to the hospital thats all she knew they hadnt go there yet well it was bad he was in the hospital in a coma for almost a week hospital declared him brain dead and no chance of every waking up we pulled the plug and we let him we were 23 years old when he died and flash forward 10 years later its a few days after Christmas. Friday the 27th getting things done my nightly routine and cleaning up because my bro and sis in law are coming over in 2 days for our little Christmas party we have together with my 3 kids every year I get a phone call from my children’s bus driver also my brother’s next door neighbor theres an ambulance at your brother’s house she says. I call over there and get noone the phone rings back and its my sis in law frantically telling me Chris (my brother’s name) has gone into Cardiac arrest thats his name and they aren’t getting him back theres no heartbeat by that time I had to give the phone to my husband and he tells me they are rushing him to the nearest hospital we take kids to his mothers and race over to the hospital. Hospital tries everything and they never get a decent heartbeat or anything from him at all they call it. My brother was doing the thing he did every night after eatting dinner play on his phone and felt like he couldn’t breathe minutes later hes unresponsive. I am just so upset so sad so angry so numb I miss him so much and I also feel like with him went the rest of my family. My twin brother and Chris were all I had now they are gone. I don’t know how to feel I am trying to be strong for my kids who miss their uncle so much and for my husband so he doesnt worry. Because to me Family is everything THEY were everything. its now a week from when all this happened and 5 days since his funeral Sunday was the hardest day of my life he was supposed to be over to play with my kids and pick on me and now that will never be nor will it be again. It’s hard to go through something this its a rollercoaster. I am so glad I have found a place where ppl can understand how I’m feeling. I am peace knowing they are together now theres that and I know they want me to be happy but right now I think its just gonna take some time.

  48. Sad alone  December 20, 2019 at 10:09 pm Reply

    My older brother died. May 2019 not four months later my dad passed away. My brother was so loved by so many. I now have his friends needing my sympathy while i have zero energy for anyone or anything. Sad and grief have not come yet. angry and alone are my new normal. If i have one drink i have 10 or more so i now choose not to. Everything seems pointless

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    • Christine  December 21, 2019 at 8:56 pm Reply

      My baby sis died 12/17/19 by suicide. She was 54 and truly one of the kindest, gentlest, most understanding souls I will ever have the pleasure of knowing. She just moved back home after being gone for over 25 years. But we were mostly always close aside from some typical sibling rivalry. She’s been suffering her whole life from Bipolar Disease but kept it under check until these past few months. She not only had some obvious mental issues but has suffered also from physical pain. She was a brilliant teacher and artist and worked with special needs kids. Even though she was in pain much of her life she gave more of her self than anyone else I know. We tried to help her to help herself but she was just too lost. My heart is broken and honestly i can’t know how I will live without her. Ironically ….she’s been gone much of her adult life and only came back home to be with family for the past 1.5 years but her loss is unbearable. Any advice? I don’t know what to do

      • Isolina Jackson  December 24, 2019 at 3:21 pm

        Today marks 30 years since the last time I spoke to or saw my brother. He committed suicide Jan 1, a week later, at 25vyears old. Grief is weird. It holds no boundaries or limitations, and it doesnt fit a set of parameters. It hit me out of the blue and I am sobbing. From someone who has lost a sibling, I am so very sorry for your loss. My way of coping is remembering the good, crying when I need to, and keeping his memories alive. There are no answers for us, just the breaking of our hearts. I do a suicide prevention walk in his honor. I tell my about him. And I live. I miss him every day. Life goes on without him, and I do my best to make him proud of me. Keep your chin up, and remember the good. It sounds cliche, but really does help. And don’t blame yourself for something you couldnt have helped. Hugs.

      • Cheryl  December 30, 2019 at 10:04 pm

        Christine, please go to AFSP.org and check out their resources, including support meetings for Survivors of Suicide Loss—a support group dedicated to those of us who have lost a loved one to suicide. My support group has been a safe place to talk about all things related to my loss to people who truly understand and also to support others in their grief journey. I lost my 51-year-old brother, Marty, to suicide on 8/21/18. He was my only sibling and his attempt to start over in a new place failed miserably, only heightening his sense of loneliness and increasing his depression. While many groups are hit or miss for sibling loss—many siblings are unaware of these resources, with many parents and adult children attending, just finding support for the survivors may well make a difference in helping you get through these early stages of grief. I’ve attended my group for just over a year now, and while I don’t make it every week, I’ve come to care very deeply about these friends.

        I have absorbed all of my brother’s life/death into my own life, and with the relocation of my only living parent, my mother, from across the country to 10 minutes away from my home, I now realize I need to put together a plan on setting boundaries with her for my own mental health.

        If you have access to a therapist, please contact one soon. I regret that I have not yet done that. Please, please, please take care of yourself and know that you matter—that you are much more than an administrator for your brother’s death (that’s how I frequently feel) and a caretaker to others. Suicide loss is so very different than other sibling losses, and you deserve to be heard by others who understand the trauma involved. My brother put my name and contact information on his body before he took his life, so he made certain that I would be the one to be contacted across the country by law enforcement, and that I would be the one forced to tell my 80 year old mom in person.

        My heart goes to you! Please be kind to yourself and try not to overextend yourself to your family. Feel free to say NO when you become overwhelmed. Telling my mom that some things will not get done is not what she wants to hear, but is critical to my mental health.

    • Cara  January 27, 2020 at 2:41 am Reply

      I feel your pain. My dad passed in August 2019, from a sudden heart attack, and my brother was found dead tonight at his home. Probably overdose/suicide. I am still processing my dad’s death……this is just too soon. I need to be strong for my mom but I feel numb and scared.

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  49. emily  December 6, 2019 at 5:26 am Reply

    My sister lost her battle with cancer September 6, 2019 as I was on my way driving across the country so I could tell her I loved her one last time. I am active duty military and lived 2500 miles from my sister. I was driving home prior to being deployed and when I got there she had passed away less than an hour. 2500 miles, less than 5 hours of sleep I tried so hard to be there when she left this world. My older sister, Amanda, was the only person in the world who I knew would always be there for me. I was home for a week before I had to leave the country for work, and part of me feels like I have put grieving on hold so to say. I don’t even know how to begin to try and heal.

    • Kayla  December 15, 2019 at 9:07 pm Reply

      My big brother passed away from cancer August 7th 2019. and it was horrifying to watch. I couldn’t believe it. I was pissed as fuck. I probably always will be. He was this huge strong powerful generous human being funny as hell kinder than most. And cancer shrunk him into nothingness. tried to steal is happiness which it did I swear it. But he went away with the same sense of humor. Which I thought it would fade. Which all of him did slowly and that is what scared me the most. Was how SLOW he passed away. He had 3 days max to live. Fought for a whole month longer. Actually came home on Hospice when I brought home my newborn son. It was all just sad. Cancer is a disaster. Its cruel. And scary.

  50. Princess Grayson  December 5, 2019 at 1:13 pm Reply

    I lost my brother 2 months ago on September 29,2019 to Homicide. I have not been the same my heart hurts so bad I don’t want to face it! I keep telling myself everyday he’s in a better place but in reality I want him here with me. I need strength, understanding, justice. I pray for you all because I know the feeling you guys are going through

    • Tracy  December 23, 2019 at 1:25 pm Reply

      My brother was murdered on August 8th 2019 in Charleston SC. I don’t know why but your comment stood out to me. Probably because of the similarities in how we lost our brothers. I am going to check out the Facebook page now and hopefully connect with some resources and stuff. Thank you, Tracy Haman -Linton

    • Tracy Hama  December 23, 2019 at 4:28 pm Reply

      My brother Tim was such a rad person! He was such a electric soul. He was born deaf, and the first couple of years of his life were really rough. Spent in doctors offices and surgery after surgery. But he got his hearing back only to almost die at 3 after he contracted an infection from a 3rd degree burn he sustained from being a curious kid. My Grandmother was boiling water on the stove and she looked away for a second and he yanked the handle. He recovered from that a strong vibrant most say hyperactive kid. He was smart, smarter than most people ever knew. We grew up pretty normal, until my Mom developed a drug habit after our parents divorced. So it was me and him basically taking care of each other and our 2 younger siblings. He was the man of the house. Then he was involved in a horrible crime and ended up doing 13 months in prison. He was protecting and helping his neighbors wife as she was being assaulted by some gang bangers from the neighborhood we lived in. He ended up shooting the guy unfortunately and killing him. I was with him thru that whole struggle, as he tried to deal with the fact that he took another humans life. He was very depressed for a few years. He met a a girl and they ended up moving to Charleston SC where she is from. They had a little girl, and he was just moving them into his place finally. The night they were moving into his apt, is when this happened. Some kids started harassing her and even physically assaulting her. My brother was inside and when he heard the yelling and screaming came outside to find one guy on top of her and her fighting to get him off. When he came outside some words were exchanged, and they fought. My brother handed him his ass and the fight was done. He told the guy go home get out of here. As they were walking towards his front door the guy pulled out a gun fired 5 shots as my brother jumped on top of her so she didn’t get hit by bullets. Only one got him, but it was the once in a lifetime shot. It entered his right rib cage not harming any ribs, went into his lung, hit his aorta and exited the left side exactly the way it went in. The only comfort I have is knowing that he wasn’t in pain for long. Neighbors performed CPR on him but it was too late. There is a video of it that was caught on someone’s ring camera on their porch. That’s the only thing that caught the guy that did it. Stupid ass kid ruined 2 families lives in a split second. Sucks for him tho because he is gonna be doing a life without parole sentence.
      It seemed as if my brother had just reached a point in his life where things were looking good, stable, and he had everything in line. Then bam. That’s what gets me. He was the strength I always needed if I fell apart. The Uncle that let my kids climb all over him playing and who took his nieces to the Father Daughter dance because my husband was deployed. He gave the boy a hard time that came to take my oldest to her prom, and he celebrated with my oldest when she bought her first house. He encouraged my youngest daughter to dance at Pow Wows because she is a Cupeno Indian and it was part of her heritage. He bought my sons their first puppy and took them to baseball games. He basically took care of us all. I don’t even know how to feel most days except extremely sad and mad, lost and horrified my sister in law had to go thru watching him die. Its rocked our family to the core. I am so glad I found this. I feel as if there are people that have and are going thru the same things I am.

  51. Amelia  December 1, 2019 at 8:38 pm Reply

    I lost my little sister in 2011 she was only 1 month old i made a promise to myself to protect her i feel and will always feel like an older sister I Always wonder what it would be like if she was alive i miss her so much my brothers and mom don’t talk about her much or ever but i understand that but i just wish i could see her hold her be able to hear her voice and hear her say i love you sis.

  52. Audrey Cucullu  November 28, 2019 at 3:14 am Reply

    There’s nothing about losing a sibling or losing a sibling that you helped raise. I was not his mother and yet a month before he died I was the one waking him up from my couch while handing him leftovers on his way to work driving the semi that he has parked in front of my house. He’s lived with me in every house I have ever been in. He was my little brother. Now he’s gone and will forever be 32. Not only did I lose him but it was to homicide. I don’t understand and there is nothing out there for a sister-mom that lost someone to murder. Is there? Because if there is I can’t find it.

    • Tracy Linton  December 30, 2019 at 12:53 pm Reply

      I am so sorry for your loss. My brother was to homicide also. On Aug. 8 of this year. Its hard to find sibling loss support let alone the specific kind. I know frustrating it is to have someone else think its ok to choose when your best friend dies. As the oldest sister i too was the caregiver to all of my siblings. But he was the one I always did for. You can create one tho. I think that might be awesome actually.

  53. chris boykin  November 27, 2019 at 8:43 am Reply

    My little brother died on November 8, 2019. He was 21 years old for two hours. He wrecked his truck 5 miles from my house on his way to stay with me. He left a frat party at 2am in the morning after drinking all night. He wasn’t supposed to leave! But I guess he wanted to come to my house because we were leaving at 9 to go to our tennis tournament for the weekend. I couldn’t even be mad at him about it because I’ve made the same mistake so many times. He was my tennis partner, my cookout buddy, my best friend. I was the first person at the hospital. The lady at the ER wouldn’t tell me anything without our mom being there. I was just sitting there about to vomit, waiting to hear if my brother is okay or not. She finally told me the news that forever changed my life. My baby brother was in a wreck and didn’t survive. I can’t even describe what that felt like. It was like getting shot in the chest, I fell to the floor crying so hard I was losing consciousness. I hid in the corner when they told me that my mom and dad made it there. I couldn’t let her see my face. Ill never forget her screams echoing down the hallway. It took me only a few minutes to get the courage to go and face an instant fear, which was seeing my mom in agonizing pain. My dad adopted me and my little brother, I felt so bad for him. My brother was his only “blood” child. My dad did everything for him, all the ballgames (multiple sports) making sure the uniforms are spotless, ironing his clothes, making sure everything is together. My dad is lost, my mom is fighting to keep her sanity. I’m reliving that night every time I go and leave from work. He flipped his truck head over head in the middle of the highway. He was ejected from the vehicle and was thrown about 40 yards and landed in the turning lane beside the median. The blood stain finally washed away but the orange spray paint is still there. There is also a large set up skid marks from the 18 wheeler that found him. I miss him so much. Its unexplainable, I hope It gets better soon. We were so close and he was so young. He was so freaking excited about his 21st birthday weekend and us playing in the big tournament together. I was excited too. I have just recently been able to shake the images of his body on the table. When I made it to my mom, we cried and cried for about 15 minutes then they let us go see him. This is my first run in with death and it is an absolute nightmare. I lost my brother to a tragedy. I hope that I can regain confidence in my faith. I have to if I ever want to see him again.

    • Stephanie D Crews  November 27, 2019 at 8:58 am Reply

      Chris, I can’t even begin to share your trauma. I am so, so sorry for the incredible tragedy your family is experiencing. Words can’t offer enough comfort. Be gentle with yourself and feel whatever you’re going to feel. When I lost my sister, I felt like I needed to be “strong” for my parents and it delayed my grieving. That became complicated later. I’m so glad to see you posting here and reaching out to others. Please know that you have my complete empathy and support. Here if you need a friend.

    • Diane Bisner  December 3, 2019 at 10:35 pm Reply

      Chris, My sincere condolences to you and your family on the loss of your brother. I am finding myself on this website as I just lost my younger brother unexpectedly on Friday, 11/29/2019 and looking for some kind of answer. Doubtful there will ever be one. The complete shock and utter denial is over taking us all. I have no words of advise as I just dont have any that I can follow for myself. The best I can say is keep reaching out, post/chat about how you are feeling as we are all here to support one another and try to take it one step at a time. I hope you may find some comfort and peace eventually and know that your brother is with you in spirit and watching over you. Im very sorry for your loss.

    • Jazmia  December 10, 2019 at 11:29 am Reply

      Chris, as you know there are no words to express how deeply sorry I am for your pain. I lost my brother on July 16, 2016, from him dying in his sleep. Still, to this day, I seek out articles, people, words, poems, books, anything to make sense of the agony I feel every day. I think it helps. But, grief is not structured. It’s messy. It’s complicated. It’s specific as well as universal. And, just know what you feel at any moment, at any time of the day is valid and real. Anything I say will never soften the pain but one thing I will say that I wished someone said to me after my brother died: it’s gonna hurt very badly until it only hurts a little.

      And, you will see him again. What gives me some type of comfort on days like these where I seek out refugee to the pain, I think about time and how it must work between the earthy and spiritual plane. How so many years may past for me for before I see him again but for him, it may just be a blink of an eye.

  54. Lizbeth  November 27, 2019 at 2:43 am Reply

    My brother died on January 1, 2018 after a week in the hospital. He overdosed. This shocked me so much, words can’t even explain how much my world shook. I didn’t know my brother to be involved in that and it was horrifying knowing that I didn’t even know to help him. On Christmas Eve, me and my sisters got a call from a cousin stating that he was in the hospital and everybody was headed there. At first, I thought he had a little accident, nothing too big, but I got there and the air was unwelcoming, faces were dropped, the vibe was unexplainably sad. I think about him a lot. I have had nights where I cry intensely because I feel so guilty. Guilty that I wasn’t able to save him. He was only 25. He had his whole life ahead of him. Now, I feel as if its my duty to keep my brother’s memory alive for as long as I am. I miss him so much. I wish I could tell him I love him one last time, but life doesn’t work that way. It waits for no one. I hope to see him again someday. In everything I do, he’s there. In the back of my mind, inhabiting my heart. If he was suffering, at least I know that he isn’t anymore.

    • Carissa  November 27, 2019 at 6:45 am Reply

      Hi Lizbeth, I am so so sorry for your loss. My brother passed away by overdose Dec 21 2018, aged 38, and it too has crushed my world. Life has changed but I try to stay strong for my family and my children, but it is hard some days. I just wanted to reach out to you and send my love xxx

    • Stephanie D Crews  November 27, 2019 at 8:46 am Reply

      Oh, Lizbeth….I am so sorry. There is just so much pain and grief with the loss of a sibling. I lost my only sibling, my older sister Jennifer, to Lou Gehrig’s disease in 2015. She was a priest and the best of us. I struggle daily with filling a role that I’m not prepared for as an only child. There is so much that sneaks up on us. Hugs to you.

    • Marie  December 10, 2019 at 3:03 pm Reply

      I lost my brother at exactly 29 and a half years of age back in May. I had no idea he was abusing alcohol to such an extreme degree that he managed to destroy all of his internal organs before even turning 30. I feel like he died doing a job he hated and having checked very little off his bucket list. I know his fiance will move on and the child he helped raise will know someone else as “Dad”. It is positively excruciating to see him vanish from the world like this.

      • Stacey  January 6, 2020 at 11:34 pm

        Marie, I am so unbelievably sorry —

        I apologize if my response comes out muddled — I still feel in zombie-mode or something . . . Communication is not my strong suit at the moment, but I connected so deeply with your comment that I felt it necessary to reply.

        I share your pain of losing a brother to alcohol.
        Jeffrey died September 10th 2019 — ultimately from an incredibly rare medical perfect-storm (DIC), but it was kicked off by alcohol abuse and essentially resulted in multiple organ failure. He was 31.

        Jeff didn’t love his job but he loved his coworkers —
        He had the biggest heart, loved animals, was an impressive chef and a terrific gardener…
        Heartbreakingly, he was also an amazing uncle and would’ve been an amazing Dad.

        My brother was my best friend, my confidant, my other half… We were two peas in a pod in the best and worst ways, and the statement you made about your brother vanishing from this world being excruciating …. Yes. Just, yes.

        Sitting next to his hospital bed, begging him to hang on while he lay in a coma (went into the hospital on Monday night, died Tuesday) . . . Those two days will probably always be the very worst days of my entire life.

        I have no idea when this fog will lift, but somehow the world feels a speck less lonely having found other people out there in the world, who truly know the indescribable hell I am doing my absolutely best to survive in.

        I’m so sorry for your loss and for your pain, Marie — I bet your brother was a rockstar.

  55. Anna  November 25, 2019 at 10:22 am Reply

    Holidays are the hardest. I never talk about my brother (which probably makes things worse). Just typing that made me emotional to the point I walked away for a minute. My brother passed away 10 years ago and I don’t think things have gotten easier. Whoever says “time heals all wounds” is definitely lying – or they have never lost someone close to them. If anything it makes it more real that you won’t spend another holiday with that person.

    Growing up it was just the four of us – my mom, dad, myself and Chris. We did everything together and Chris and I were very close. He had lymphoma and passed away May, 2009 and I have never been the same. He was 25. I try so hard to keep it together for my folks but behind closed doors I am just broken. I just miss him so incredibly much.

    I hope everyone can find some type of peace through your personal grieving journey and can replay many happy memories throughout this holiday season. I guess it is nice to know we are not alone.

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  56. Srujana  November 20, 2019 at 9:08 am Reply

    I lost my sister on 23rd July 2019, whom I loved the most. She was just 30 when she died, I love her to the core, I don’t know with whom I can share this, iam so alone now, I used to talk to her in mobile daily for more than 5 times. Now my phone is not at all ringing. I miss u ra chinnu. Life is empty without u. No one can fill ur place. Not even my children.
    How can I talk to u now? Iam so alone …

    • Marie  November 20, 2019 at 10:28 pm Reply

      Srujana, I am so sorry for your loss. I don’t know who you are or your story, but in losing my sister I know I lost my everything. You are not alone – wherever you are in this world, I’m thinking about you.

    • Coreena Johnson  March 5, 2020 at 9:41 am Reply

      I can relate so well, lost my beloved sister almost five years ago, in Nov. We spoke on the phone at least four times a day. Her sudden loss, just put me in deep depression, then less than three months later, my aunt died and the worst was, nine members of my fathers family had died following my sister. We had horrible year following my sisters passing. My only comfort is, right before my mother passed away, she said she saw my sister standing next to me. That would be so typical of my sister, to be there for us. She was so sweet and loved all of us with her pure heart. There is not a day that goes by that I do not think of her. She was my best friend and was the only one that actually got my jokes. She is in heaven with her husband that passed away three years prior. She was only 56, three years older than myself. I keep going because that is what she would have wanted. She was the pure one. Miss her always

  57. Bob  November 17, 2019 at 12:55 am Reply

    My brother Joe died October 2019. It was such a shock. He died of a heart attack. He would go to the gym, go jogging, plus he was in the reserves. He was not only my brother but my best friend. I miss him so much. I come from a christian family. I have been away from the church for so long. I got in trouble with the law December 20 2018 and came back to the church December 22, 2018. The last time I went to church with my brother was over 30 years ago. Now that I go to church every weekend, I go to church Saturday afternoons because Sunday mornings I help my mom prepare dinner. My brother Joe, who went to church every week, would go Sunday mornings. One Saturday, it was sometime this past summer, I was in Church and it was about 10 minutes before start time. I was sitting there waiting for mass to start and here walks in my brother Joe and he sat right next to me. That made me feel so good. The last time we were at Church together I think I was in 5th or 6th grade. I am so happy I got to experience that before he died. I miss him so much. We miss you Joe and we love you. Thank you for everything.

  58. I miss my brother  November 8, 2019 at 9:04 am Reply

    My beautiful brother died 28th October, 2019 aged 33 years. No-one in the family could ever understand the bond we had. He told me when he was going through depression 10 years ago and I doubt he told anyone else but he got through it. Or I thought he did. He cared for our father before he passed away in 2017. He hadn’t been in a good place since and me, thinking I know him so well, told myself he just needs time and as I wasn’t there to see my father towards the end, have to just let him take as much time as he needs. I thought it was enough to just chat about this and that, but I never thought to really ask how he was. How his health was. If he needed to talk about anything that went on. He told me 2 months ago that he had lost a lot of weight and I so carelessly cut him off and laughed about how I had put on weight. I feel so stupid for naively thinking that I was doing enough to make him feel better. I have felt guilty since my father’s passing that I wasn’t there to help my brother. I felt I had no place in trying to change how my brother decided to cope afterwards. Now I feel guilty that perhaps my brother had to some extent gotten over dad, but then felt quite abandoned by me. Others probably thought we weren’t particularly close. I didn’t return my mother’s calls for a day, not thinking there was an emergency, so found out the day after his death. Seeing how he had been living up to his death broke my heart. He did not deserve to have a life like that. He told me he was thinking of an exciting career change. I thought he was making his way out of this dark chapter. Why was I so useless? He meant the world to me. I’m likely the only person he told certain things to and I did nothing. His dreams, feelings everything has died with me. I couldn’t bear to take anything just yet from his room and now I hear it’s been cleaned out and his clothes donated. I hope to have anything at all. I would cherish anything of his for the rest of my life. Thinking time will heal all wounds I had spent the last two years looking forward to a time where he has found his feet and we’d talk and laugh like when we were young, us two misfits trying to make our way in the world. Looking forward to Christmas together after being overseas for the last two. Waiting to be there for him when he was ready to get on with his life. But I ran out of time, he ran out of time. I had chances to jump in but kept letting time go by. Thinking he was ok. I have my own family but I feel so alone in the world now. I miss you so much and my life feels so empty. Every morning I wake up thinking about you and if it was just a dream that you’re gone. Then reality hits. I can’t bear not having you here. I can’t breathe, can’t fight back tears. My heart aches. I love you so, so much. I’ll never forgive myself for not truly being there for you and leaving you all on your own. I’m so sorry.

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  59. amanda  October 28, 2019 at 4:29 pm Reply

    In June 2013 there was 4 of us but now there is just me. I lost my oldest brother in 2013, he was 58. he died of a duodenal ulcer. He didn’t look after himself and had been on a bender. His boss came to check on him and he had died alone with no credit or charge on his phone. Less than 2 years later my younger brother was diagnosed with a glioblastoma (Malignant brain tumour), he died an awful drawn out death in August 2016 aged 54 (15 months after diagnosis). IN August 2017 whilst I was travelling in Cambodia (trying to make some sense of losing my brothers) I received a call to say my younger sister had died very unexpectedly too. She was 50. My parents had to watch 3 children die and then my mum joined them in May 2018. Now there is just me and my father. I don’t know how he gets up each morning but he does. I feel grief but very silently, I try and make excuses because people older than me lose siblings and they have to just get on with it….or do they, it just happened to me 20-30 too soon. I am so shocked, if I hear the name Michael, Timothy or Wendy at work my heart lurches. It still all seems so absurd. I now feel very hemmed in, trapped even as there is only me and my father and I have to care, with two young men still at home, its another to watch out for. I sound selfish but sometimes I am drowning.

    • Laura  October 31, 2019 at 7:34 am Reply

      I’m so sorry for your losses and how much you are handling in such a short period of time. I agree that it seems absurd to have so much loss at once. You and your father are in my thoughts. My sister died 3 months ago in an accident, just 6 weeks after my mother had a stroke and was put on hospice care. I still can’t quite believe that I am dealing with two losses at once and that my sister died in the wrong order, just when I needed her most to help care for our mother. I am going to a grief group, and that has helped me a little. Also I am going to a counselor because I am so irritable and keep lashing out at people. This must be the “anger” stage. I’m trying to do things to feel more positive, for example I decorated a small cardboard box and each day write something I am grateful for on a slip of paper and put it in the box. I have become closer to my brother-in-law and my niece trying to support them. It doesn’t completely balance out the losses but it does help to keep me from spiraling downward during this time of multiple loss. My sister was 5 years older than me and someone I looked up to very much. She was very smart and successful and a very good person. The suddenness of her passing has made the world seem like a much more dangerous random place than it was before. Life seems so fragile. Siblings aren’t supposed to die before parents, anyhow that’s what I used to think, but now life seems so random. I’m trying to get to the place where I cherish each day as a gift, but right now the goal is to just get through the day.

    • Janice Jones  November 4, 2019 at 11:40 am Reply

      Hello Amanda, I am so very sorry for your colossal loss and it is obvious to me that you are suffering cumulative grief. I just wanted to let you know that you are NOT ALONE in your grief. I too have lost family members and in a SHORT SPACE OF TIME. My dear sweet beloved father started the ball rolling when he died mid November 2016. Eight weeks later, my youngest sister died and that was SHOCKINGLY UNEXPECTED. My youngest sister was MY BEST FRIEND. Twelve weeks following my youngest sister, my mother died. Just under two years later, my middle sister died. There is ONLY ME LEFT and I am struggling to cope on a daily basis. Since that time, I take each day as it comes, I live for the moment and do not look into the future. I deal with my emotions at the time and that is all I can do. I am not the same person I used to be and the death of my family has destroyed my life. I am a shell of what I used to be. I wish you all the BEST and you and your father should STICK TOGETHER and support each other. I have nobody and have been like this now for 4 years this November 19th.

  60. Ava  October 26, 2019 at 3:00 am Reply

    I lost my only sister when I was 10 years old 4 years ago. She was 26 and she lived in a different state. It’s the hardest thing I have to deal with to this day it seems like the grief just gets worse instead of better. My mom thinks I’m not affected by the loss because I show no signs of grief but when it’s just me I can’t stop crying actually. My mom always compares me to my sister in the way that were totally different and I’m harder to raise kind of way which really makes me sad and a little triggered. I would do anything to see her one more time and I often find myself looking up at the sky trying to talk to her as if she’s gonna respond if she even hears me. I’m not sure if it’s just me that does this or what. And ever since the loss my mom is totally different which is expected but we always fight and I can’t help but think that if my sister was still here she could give me advice because I have no one else I feel I can talk to about it.

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    • Ellen  October 28, 2019 at 4:19 pm Reply

      Hi Ava, I lost my brother when I was 10 also, and he was 25. He was my best friend. For a while I felt completely lost, my parents were so grief stricken I didn’t even know what to do to help so I stayed out of the road. We never ever talked about it. it wasn’t until I was in my 20s his name was mentioned more. It’s important to do something for your sister, like plant a special plant outside, like a pretty rose bush in her favorite color, or create a little collage for your room, or for your mom, something both of you can see and remember her by. It’s important to remember them but also to know that eventually the grief will pass, you’ll still remember her and life goes on. I am 60 now, my brother is long gone, but I always think of him, in a way that I remember funny things or just how kind he was as a person. You can talk to your mom, but she is hurting too still, so remember that, but I would do that. Grow up to be a kind and loving person and honor your sister by that. She would be proud of you for that.

      • Ava  November 9, 2019 at 1:29 am

        Thank you Ms. Ellen for reaching out and giving me advice. It is very nice to have someone that I can relate to, and thank you for sharing your story I’m going to try some of the things you said.

  61. Tish  October 20, 2019 at 6:03 am Reply

    I lost my older sister 2016 and 2018 lost my baby sister. I was always one of three and now it’s just me. I have brothers it’s not the same. In between my dad passed away too. Life will never be the same, my family will never be the same. It feels like I live my life waiting for my turn to die. And why did they get to and not me.

  62. CM  October 20, 2019 at 12:58 am Reply

    My sister died 39 years ago. She was killed in an accident when we were playing…I still have the horrific images in my mind. She was my only sibling. My parents split up and seemed to forget that one of us survived. No one talked with me about my sister or the accident – it was tough at 7 years old to try to deal with grief alone while everyone seemed to pretend nothing had happened, and I ended up just not dealing with it at all. I thought my parents blamed me for her death, and in my 7 year-old mind I figured that’s why they never talked to me about it. Perhaps this was because I blamed myself. After she died, I began to get excruciating migraine headaches, and only recently have they abated as I have faced the grief which I could not handle alone as a child.

    As the article mentions, I became the one who had to take care of everyone…no surprise that I became a physician. Mastering medicine also helped me fight that horrendous feeling of helplessness as I stood there watching her die, unable to do anything (even though I know now there was nothing I could have done). I became protective of my parents, I could see the raw pain and wanted to do what I could to keep from upsetting them, so I didn’t bring anything up about my sister. I also struggled to relate to kids my own age because what they saw as important, I saw as trivial.

    As I grew up, I kept my distance from everyone, just waiting for the next person to drop dead. As a kid I decided the only way to keep my heart and my life from being destroyed again was to not get close to anyone. And when my parents got back together and had another child a couple years after my sister died, I kept my distance from my new sister, assuming that she would likely die also, and I was going to be ready this time around. I went through life like this with a wall around my heart, unable to form deep, rewarding relationships. School and work became a great distraction from all the stuff I didn’t want to deal with. And I put so much pressure on myself — I felt like I had to live for the both of us since she didn’t get the chance to grow up.

    It has taken years of work to get to the point where I can even try to have close relationships, and it is still a constant challenge. But at least it is a possibility now. When the question of how will the death of a sibling affect a child later in life is brought up, I can answer that one. It all comes down to the quality of the child’s support network. Unfortunately, as this article discusses, the grief of the surviving sibling is often overlooked. But that’s not all – the surviving sibling can become completely forgotten as parents deal with their own grief.

  63. Esther R.  October 17, 2019 at 12:07 pm Reply

    My older and only sister passed away on October 1, 2019 aged 53.

    She lived what I thought was a reckless life of chain smoking, nightly drinking, and starting a family with a womaniser. Her death was caused by a combination of factors: diabetes, anorexia, depression caused by menopause and empty-nest syndrome, financial hardship, spouse betrayals, and a weakened immune system caused by tobacco and nighty drinking.

    During all of our adult lives I criticised her life choices harshly and now I am overwhelmed by guilt for not helping her more to straighten her life rather than subtly pointing out her shortcomings. This guilt is increased by seeing how our lives unraveled so differently: I did well in most aspects of my life and therefore I live a comfortable life; she only did well at raising two beautiful children and providing for them even if that meant that she was neglecting her physical and mental health. Cherries on top: she always acted tough so nobody knew how gravely ill she was and since we live in different countries was on my way to see her after I got news that she passed, it took me one whole day to arrive to pay my last respects.

    The article is spot on, opportune, and exceedingly helpful.

    I wish I could tell her that I love her deeply; that had I know how serious her conditions were, I would have done ANYTHING to help; that I should have never judged her; and that as different as we are, she leaves a profound void in my heart and life. I have come to terms with my pain and guilt by accepting them as atonement for my inconsiderate and idiotic behaviour.

  64. BB  October 14, 2019 at 3:01 pm Reply

    My older brother (Andrew, 29 years old) suddenly passed away on October 20th, 2018. The upcoming anniversary is causing me so much anxiety. It feels scary to think about the day being here. It feels like a day ago and also ten years ago that I got the phone call he passed away. Grief is such a strange and confusing cycle.

  65. Cathy  October 13, 2019 at 1:43 am Reply

    I just lost my brother suddenly on Monday. I knew when I saw the caller ID this was going to be very bad news…and it was. I screamed NO! Please God no. But he is gone and I feel so alone and so scared and so angry. It was very sudden. He died in his sleep. He looked peaceful. One day we are here walking upright and the next we are gone. Boom. Lights out. I am so depressed. One week off from work is not enough. Thanks for listening.

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  66. Adasha  October 10, 2019 at 8:43 am Reply

    Thank you for this. You hit the nail on the head with us being the forgotten grievers. My little sister died 8-24-19 and tomorrow would be her 47th birthday. I am 5 years older. We had a bad childhood with numerous stepfathers (nine) and instability, leaving us as the two against the world. I was her protector when I could be. When she was 16, she was sent to live with me. I put her in school and finished raising her so it was like I was her mom, too.
    On August 22, my mother called me saying she had just left in the ambulance on life support. I drove the 90 miles in 45 minutes and never left her side for 3 days.
    I drove home empty.
    Since then, the support has been to her husband of 25 years and our mother, who I blame. But I was with her for 46 years. We knew EVERYTHING about each other. We grew up just the two of us alone. And at the end, it was the two of us alone until I went and got her husband.
    I did holidays with his family because she always invited me. Now I don’t know what will happen. I feel this overwhelming need to step into her shoes and help with her 4 boys, but I can’t. I can’t even go to her house. It’s too hard.
    But yes, sibling grief is never thought of. It’s like losing a child to me. The loss of the past and future memories is so hard. Thank you for this article.

  67. Sandy R  October 9, 2019 at 3:07 am Reply

    One of my older brothers passed away due to a homicide on May 8th, 2016, it was a Mother’s Day. One of the hardest things I’ve ever lived through and I’ve lived through some stuff. He was 25 years old. I really appreciate this post because I live through the overshadow of grief as a sibling and the responsibility of our family (his daughters and my parents). Being a support system to his daughters has been a challenge especially trying to maintain myself during my grief as well as their own, protecting them, teaching them about life, and trying to prove myself to them that I’m here to stay as long as I am alive and that I will always be there for them. My parents grief has been a big responsibility as well, being their shoulder to cry on while they continuously grief for my brother who passed. I will say financially too. My brother lives on through us and often times I wish I would’ve said more I love you’s, I miss you’s, and I’ll always be here for you. It’s been 3 years and although I’ll say it’s gotten easier, that little empty hole in my heart remains.

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  68. anglina  September 18, 2019 at 9:35 am Reply

    I lost my little brother Casey Gene Bone on July 11, 2010. i feel like i should have done something to save him. I mean i dreamed the night before that he would drown in the exact way that he did. i have hated myself ever since.

  69. Tess Barker  September 13, 2019 at 11:05 pm Reply

    On September 13th, 1989, 30 years ago today, I lost my youngest Sister of 29 who had an unknown heart murmur. She has spent 30 years in Earth time in her eternal home with God. She knows all of the secrets of passing on. She speaks to me through the beauty of purple flowers which are her favorite.

    I keep her alive in my heart by the beautiful memories I keep of her. She brings me peace and comfort in a way only she can bring and time cannot erase.

    “What we keep in memory is ours unchanged forever”.

  70. Cee  August 30, 2019 at 7:06 pm Reply

    I lost my 37 year old sister to bowel cancer in mid July 2019, she had only turned 37 four days prior to her passing. It’s only been 7 weeks since she passed but I think only now is the realisation that she isn’t here anymore is beginning to take hold. I honestly don’t know how I feel, numb, sick to my stomach, angry and down right sad. But most of all I miss the daily contact, the numerous text messages or phone calls I had every day, I will cherish those memories in time but for now I feel like I’m drowning in silence.

    I have deep regrets about not seeing her when she was in the hospital, she was never expected to pass away and she didn’t want anyone fussing over her. Now I am eaten up by the guilt that I allowed her to keep me away from her bedside. Moreover, the day she died I got a phone call to say she was gravely ill and to get to the hospital and despite the mad rush to get there, I never made it in time. I never got to say goodbye, and I think that haunting fact will consume me for the rest of my life. I just hope to God that she knew how much I loved her and how much she is now missed. I don’t think I will ever get over it

    • Soc  September 1, 2019 at 3:24 pm Reply

      I lost my sister to suicide last year, she was only 3 years older than me, 27. She had a very hard life with both physical and mental hurdles (uncontrollable physical deficiencies, compounded traumatic experiences and drugs) . I was in absolute shock when I got the news (I was sheltered from most of her hardships). I was numb, with intense crying at night. However, a week later after the burial I felt “normal” again, and decided it was time to move on. The crying stopped, I felt at peace (or so I thought).

      Fast forward a year later and I’ve become so work and school-obsessed that I no longer know how to relax. The stress and anxiety builds and I begin to have panic attacks, followed depressive episodes and near-constant anxiety and fear.

      It was only a few weeks after my first panic attack did I realize I didn’t allow myself to grieve. I began seeing a therapist, who made the very obvious observation: “You don’t get over grief, you get through it.” I realized, I was still numb and was holding on to that numbness, afraid of the emotions I might encounter by allowing myself to grieve. Eventually, my mind and body had had enough, and threw it all back at me in the form of panic, disconnectedness, fear and a complete lack of motivation. To force myself to grieve, I opened up my text messages to my sister, and was hit by a wave of emotions so hard I could barely breathe. I realized all of the anxiety was festering; although I thought my grief was gone, it had been waiting for me all this time. My shelteredness made my mind build these monstrous scenarios, that if she couldn’t handle her issues I couldn’t handle mine.

      I was terrified of going crazy, thinking I’d be next. When in fact, I realized I’d never truly suffered. I never experienced true depression, the type of depression where every little thing seems meaningless. Or true anxiety, where a what-if scenario is capable of making me dizzy, lightheaded and looking for the nearest exit.

      Thankfully, forcing myself to grieve instantly alleviated many of the symptoms. With time it became less constant, coming in waves instead of feeling like an ocean of preoccupation and fear. I learned what my triggers are. But mainly, grief literature, changing my approach to sleep (a proper schedule and routine), meditation and getting closer to my father and learning about his spirituality alleviated the symptoms enough for me to grieve in controlled bursts. Sure, sometimes a thought will come up that brings me to tears when at the gym, or a song comes up from my period of numbness that eradicates my stomach. But feeling like I’m “normal” in that there is a way through, and feeling like I’m more in touch with my emotions than ever has helped tremendously. My sister was the person i loved the most in the world. I still love her dearly, however dealing with the subsequent fear her death caused has made it a complicated relationship.

      My main takeaway has been this: for every weird and scary feeling, there is a source of pain. Running from it, fighting it or numbing it does not address it. Letting it in, as scary as the feeling is, and trying my best to observe it without being afraid, allows it to pass so much quicker, and on the other side I always feel so much better than if I’d fought it or numbed it.

      I hope this helps anyone who suddenly feels like they’re “broken” and have no idea why. Allow yourself to feel the good and the bad, you will come out of each moment glad you did.

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    • Grievingsister  September 4, 2019 at 4:43 pm Reply

      I lost my younger brother who was 31 last summer. I’m still grieving him. I’d always miss him. Some days I feel at peace but some days I feel angry, sad and hopeless and that’s my anxiety kills me. I’ve been on and off. I’ve learned to accept that. I just feel lien id never be whole again. He took a huge part of me with him.

  71. Shameeka  August 27, 2019 at 2:06 am Reply

    I lost My 1st Oldest Brother Gregory on July 6,2019
    He was only 28, he died a week after his birthday
    June 29, my heart immediately fell after I actually witnessed the people taking my dead brother out the building in a body bag out my mother apartment. I will never I mean never ever forget that moment my my mother had called me from work crying couldn’t barely talk saying “Gregory”….. I replied “Gregory what????”
    From that moment it was really bad cuz from my mother voice it’s a hearing you never wanna imagine especially seeing your 1st born son lying in the bed unresponsive with white foam coming out the mouth ..I ain’t wanted to see the pictures after the medical examiner took pictures of him checking him out how he lying down on his back & stuff ..seizures doesn’t in my family so I’m not saying it’s not a possibility we’ll never know until the actual blood test & other deep testing for examination coming back in September… until this very moment I still think about my 1st oldest brother I just saw him not long ago ..the thought of him not living as a human being crushed my hole world I wanted to share & talk so much more with my brother it just didn’t feel right at all.. I never also forget I keep calling my mother phone the day he died cuz I felt something wasn’t right ..she ignored it coupled times after I called numerously & sent 911 there as if I knew somebody died there ..911 called me back saying “YOUR MOTHER SAID LEAVE HER ALONE, SHE DOESNT WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU, SHE HAS A ORDER PROTECTION AGAINST YOU ANYWAY & HOW IM NOT SUPPOSED TO BE CALLING & TEXTING HER IN THE BEGINNING “ after they told me that I was sad not only I can’t & couldn’t know what else was going on in there that I July 6 my mother called me After I got off the phone with what she told 911 to tell me … she called me & that’s when she was crying about my brother being dead …I just feel regret in my heart everyday I live a day on this earth . My 1st oldest brother had a heart of gold he did everything a parent could ask for in a son …that was him . I really miss him I really do I don’t know how else life would be knowing he’s in the after life but one thing I have to understand is we’re all gonna die one day our bodies have a expiration date weather it’s from an accident or not anything can happen & go wrong .

    • Melissa  August 27, 2019 at 7:48 pm Reply

      I lost my brother on July 6th as well. I can’t talk about it yet. He was 41. My heart goes out to you. We loved him beyond words.

    • Marcia  September 15, 2019 at 6:42 pm Reply

      I lost my brother suddenly on July 6th as well. It was my worst nightmare losing a close family member, especially my only brother. What was supposed to be a fun summer day with friends ended tragic very quickly. I keep replaying the phone call I received notifying me of his death over and over again. Sometimes I simply cannot belief he is gone forever. He was just here. How quickly life can change. I loved him dearly and miss everything about him. I see his face and smile and just keep wishing he was here. I sympathize with everyone that has lost their sibling. Reading your messages has brought comfort knowing that there are others struggling as much as I am with my loss.

  72. Autumn  August 26, 2019 at 2:20 am Reply

    Well… I’ll tell ya one thing. Losing my sister has lead me to do and say some crazy stuff.. which lead me to this. I am so happy It did. Despite how sad and heartbreaking everyones stories were to read, they did help me. On May 15, 2019 I lost my older sister Shay in a car accident. It’s been a little over 3 months and I’m as numb as I was the day I got that horrible call. She had gone out to meet up with friends and have drinks. She never came home. We dont know if she was avoiding a deer or if she fell asleep. She just went off the road and plowed through a cedar tree. Around 5am I had gotten the call from our mom, shay had been in a car accident and was on life support. I rushed to get her smaller kids who were at home asleep alone, and I swear I wasnt breathing the entire ride there and to the hospital. She was on life support for 12 hours and then she was gone. I was so heartbroken and mad. Mad at her , mad at myself. Mad at her childrens fathers who left her with such a huge responsibility alone. I wanted someone to blame, and sadly I still do. Alot of days myself. There is 3 of us. 3 sisters. We have all three been thick as thieves. My younger sister being 28, myself 32, and Shay being 33. My sisters are my best friends. We worked together, we raise all our kids together, we live down the street from each other. We do EVERYTHING together. Losing part of our trio has been shattering. I know I will never be the same. To see our little sisters hurt and let’s not even talk about the look i see on my parents face every.single.day. it kills me. I worry constantly about my daughter who cries every night bc she misses her aunt. Or all my nieces and nephews who cry over their aunt who was a huge part of all their lives. My sister Shay left behind 4 kids ranging 6-13 ..between my depression stress worrying about my family and all the kids and trying to prepare for my big wedding day without my sister/my best friend this upcoming weekend, I feel like I haven’t even been able to start grieving. Thank you all so much for your stories. Let’s all keep one another in our prayers❤

  73. Darlene  August 21, 2019 at 8:18 pm Reply

    I lost my sister on June 24th, 2019. She was only 51 years old. She had diabetes. She was sick for a very long time. She had her toes amputated two years prior. Her kidney function was failing and they put her on dialysis. Her heart was weakening also, so she was given 6 months to live back in March of 2019. My sister began to have fluid overload and refused the dialysis. For weeks on end I kept bugging her to go to the hospital to get that fluid off of her. She could barely walk, and she was so short of breath. Her legs felt like they were as hard as concrete. I kept getting in her for weeks on end begging her to go to the hospital. Finally she was in so much pain, she agreed to go. By the time she got to hospital, she was disoriented and confused. She was in so much pain she couldn’t take it anymore. Finally convinced her to do dialysis….. They had to put a new port in her and she could have her session of dialysis begin again. They finally got her through the dialysis, she complained of pain that evening. She was confused and disoriented again. It was like she was fine one minute and confused the next. That same night we got a call from her daughter that the hospital called and said her heart stopped beating 20 min ago. We ran up to the hospital and of course she was gone. I never felt so guilt in my life. I bugged her to death to go to hospital and get back on dialysis. She finally agrees and after her session she does that night. She had a heart attack and complete kidney failure. She was just too far gone not doing dialysis like she should have. She told us that she never wanted to do dialysis again…. that her quality of life was terrible. I was trying to keep her from dying….. but… I think she was just tired and worn out and couldn’t fight anymore. I have 3 other sisters. They are dealing with this in their own way I guess….. I feel a lone at times. It’s like people don’t know what to say when you do talk about it…… I don’t know…. I’m heart broken, I can’t get her face out of my head when I saw her laying in her hospital bed after she died. I close my eyes and I still see her face….. will that vision ever go away? Its been one of the hardest things that I have ever had to go through.

    We had a celebration of life for her…. her granddaughter asked if she could hold my hand—- she said my hands reminded her of her nanas hands………..She left behind three daughters and 5 beautiful grandkids. My heart breaks for them all.

    • Melina Stewart  December 11, 2019 at 8:40 pm Reply

      . I’m so sorry for your loss, Darlene. My eldest sister died today. She stopped dialysis last week. I live an ocean away from my whole family.
      My husband has Aspergers so he doesn’t do well with sympathy. He just leaves me in my own.
      I feel isolated, numb, but in physical pain at the same time.
      So here I am, on the Internet in the middle of the night, reading your story, and everyone else’s, and weeping .
      If nothing else, it let’s me know that there are people out there who empathise.
      Thank you.

  74. Boston  August 19, 2019 at 5:43 am Reply

    I lost my little brother March 16th 2019 at the age of 26 to a car accident. There were no other cars involved.. he got lost out in the middle of no where on a very dark road and lost control of his car . He hit 5 Orange trees before being ejected out of the car and was almost be headed after being thrown into a tree head first. I live in Atlanta Ga… so I got that call at 3:00am .. the worst day of my life. I’m the oldest out of five I raised him from a newborn..so I lost a brother but a son. My life will never be the same.. I cry and feel so alone . I planned his service.. picked out his clothes.. and signed his death certificate. The hardest thing I ever had to do . I look at life differently now. He left two beautiful daughters behind.. it break my heart that they asking for him … asking their mom to wake their daddy up. Those girls was his world.. now I have to make sure they’re taking care of like he took care of them. I’ve always been the strong one… I’m learning that it’s ok.. to NOT be ok. 💔 R.I.P. Brother/My Baby 🌻 🙏🏾

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  75. Crystal Campbell  August 18, 2019 at 9:43 am Reply

    August 1st, 2019 I lost “My Person”, my big sister Michele. Only information I can get was that it was a motorcycle accident with no other vehicles involved. I live a few states away from “home” so it has been hard to get any details about her accident. Unbelievably heartbroken. She was my everything. My Mom, Dad, big sister, best friend, mentor, all wrapped in one amazing woman. My world crumbled after receving the news. Like I have read in a few of the previous posts no one seems to be concerned how the sibling is doing. Not that I need or want a million people calling me or at my door step but I feel as if I was forgotten or my feelings/grief don’t matter. Our parents weren’t really available growing up and left me in the care of my sister even when I was an infant and she was only seven while they went out doing whatever it was they did so all we had were each other from day one. So, I truely don’t know how to go on with her. Everything I do reminds me of her. Even smells send me into an emotional mess. I found a voicemail I had saved that I listen to over and over almost torturing myself. She was only 42 years old she had so much life left to live. So angry. Never have felt pain this deep in my life. “They” whoever “they” are says there are seven levels of grief and i swear ive been through them all seven of them a hundred times or more in the seventeen days I’ved lived on this earth without “My Person.” I dont’ know how to get pass this pain. Although, after reading everyone’s heartbreaking stories of loosing their siblings has opened my minds eye to the fact that I am not alone in my pain. I hope that by sharing my story that someone else can come to the same conclusion that I have. And that no matter where you are in your level of grief that its ok to feel those feelings and no one can tell you how you are suppose to feel or grieve. We all grieve differently and at our own pace. We just have to remember not to get lost in our grief that our sister/brother would want us to heal. Thanks for taken the time to read my story. RIP “MY ANGELEYES!”

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  76. SadwithoutMyBrother  August 13, 2019 at 7:26 pm Reply

    I lost my kid brother on July 4th, 2019. It has not been an easy road without him. Everyday I think of him and think of ways I could have prevented his death. Some days, I just cry alone.

    It’s true that the death of a brother as an adult is often foreshadowed by people consoling the parents of the child. During my brother’s funeral, my dad insisted that he was the only one that speaks, neglecting the fact that my other brother and I wanted to speak as well.

    Sometimes, I picture myself and my brother as kids again and remember our fun childhood. The time I would give him rides from point A to point B when I got my license. He was too young to go. He was 33, and I’m 15 months his senior.

    I miss my little brother, words can’t describe how much I miss and love him. Sometimes when my phone rings I think it’s him. I don’t even know what to do in a world without my brother anymore. I’m no longer happy with him not around.

  77. Lyssa  August 1, 2019 at 1:51 am Reply

    My boyfriend of over 4 years just lost his older brother in March by suicide. I didn’t know him much but I still feel a lot of the pain. My boyfriend sometimes just has a very hard time and I try to help him but sometimes I just don’t know what to do. He says that I help him see a different perspective and then sometimes he says he just doesn’t want to talk or think about it. I tell him not to keep everything bottled up that he needs to talk about it now and then. I was thinking maybe he should he someone but I have no idea what to do or how to help him in the right way. I try to be there and talk with him when he needs it and he says it helps but I just feel so so bad and I don’t know what to do.

  78. Brandon Sim  July 31, 2019 at 10:00 am Reply

    I lost my brother July 1st, 2019 18 hours before his birthday. I wish I would have contacted him sooner. Whether to arrange a day to celebrate his birthday or just to see how he was doing. It would be nice to hear him one last time, but instead I never contacted him until the day of his birthday in which I sent him a simple birthday text. Only to find out 10 days later he was killed the day prior to my text. What bothers me so much is the fact that he never received the text…

  79. Marion Cherry  July 29, 2019 at 8:48 pm Reply

    In one week it’ll be the one year anniversary of my brother’s passing. I’m not sure how I will feel or how to feel, not that there’s any right way to feel. I have trouble taking about it with friends and family, I don’t know why. My brother was the most positive and appreciative of life and family. In his last voicemail to me which I still have, he used the word “appreciate 6 times.” I remember he was calling me back because I had wished him a happy birthday.
    I’ve been looking this past year for support groups or another way to connect with others who have gone through something similar. Like this article mentioned, there is not much to be found on that front, but I’m glad I found this page. So to get to what I’ve been avoiding thinking or taking about: My brother was the kindest, most persevering and most appreciative person that I know. Knew? He was always there for my sister and me with a smile and encouragement, he never brought too much attention to what he was going through. I’m the youngest in the family, at the time I was 30, my sister was 33 and my brother was 36. I wish I would have talked to him more about what he was going through. At age 14 he was diagnosed with diabetes, then in his mid-20s he was diagnosed with testicular cancer, which he was able to beat! He still had complications with his diabetes and I remember one day picking him up from the hospital when I was 27 after he had lost one of his toes. He told me news I wasn’t expecting..he told me his kidneys were at 80% failure and he’d have to start dialysis soon. I remember tears coming to my eyes but I didn’t want him to see them. He was being so optimistic I didn’t want to bring him down. So I made up the excuse of needing to get a snack from the cafeteria and asked if he needed a drink. On my way to the cafeteria I stopped and leaned against the wall and I cried and cried. I texted my best friend about what was going on, fathered myself up again and went back to his hospital room. I took him home and made sure he was comfortable and talked to him..of course he only wanted to talk about what was going on in my life so I talked to him about that.
    For the next year and a half he worked towards getting cleared to be on the kidney transplant list . Health insurance did not make it easy and even before that point it felt like our family was forever struggling against health insurance companies and policies. Another issue that makes me really angry, but won’t get into right now.
    During that time I also was tested to see if I was a match. I wasn’t, but I looked into the kidney donor match program. I want to say I was ready to do it without any question, but that isn’t true. I struggled for half a year with deciding what to do should he become cleared for a transplant. Something I can’t help but feel guilty about now, despite knowing I shouldn’t feel that way, I can’t help it. Needless to say I have survivor’s guilt, and I also just wish half of what he went through I could have gone through instead. He didn’t deserve it. Before he could be cleared for the transplant list, my brother passed away in his apartment. Alone. And I hate knowing that. He went through so much and was the most positive person I knew. I try to stay positive for him, but a lot of times it’s hard to know how to feel or how to respond. I don’t know how to conclude writing something like this. I just hope others who have gone through losing a sibling, know that there are people who can relate and who do want to talk, even if they aren’t sure how.

    • Kenny  September 2, 2019 at 3:35 am Reply

      My brother died at age 44 alone in his apartment too. The kindest person with the biggest heart ever. All of the good ones are taken way to soon. Prayers that both of our brothers are resting in peace.

  80. Windy Hernandez  July 29, 2019 at 6:44 am Reply

    I lost my sister in October of 2013, she was 17 years old. I feel so mad at the world still. I have a great family and I feel my mother didnt deserve this. She has always been the best a mom can be. I feel like my word came crashing down that day and everything after that is done out of habit. I get up in the morning do what needs to be done like everyday cause i have to. I m here but im not here, if that makes sense . I just dont know how to stop being so miserable, and how do i help my mom and 2 other sisters whenever i cant even help the way i feel.

    • Ashwini Pillai  July 31, 2019 at 6:34 am Reply

      I lost my brother on July 1 2019, he was 25 years old.
      It was a sudden cardiac arrest , he died all alone in ICU.
      Till the moment we could reach the hospital he was dead,
      Its getting worse day by day , all I wish is to meet him again.
      I had not talked to him for two weeks and suddenly he is gone forever.
      The gulit is too much to bear.

      • Susan  September 2, 2019 at 6:45 am

        I’m sorry… I lost my brother unexpectedly a year and half ago … I still wake up crying/ missing him almost every day .. probably not much help for you to hear but I know how you’re feeling , Susan

  81. Arthur  July 28, 2019 at 2:22 am Reply

    I havent talked about the way I feel to anyone but here we go. I lost my brother a few years back. We lived together up until his death at the age of 24. He got in a motorcycle accident on his way home. A car hit him head on and he passed away in the ambulance. He was an amazing person, and accomplished so much. The star quarter back of the football team at Serra high school, he broke tom Brady’s record there for yards thrown. He was basically an all star in every category not to mention a complete ladies man. He also worked hard and smart, started a business at the age of 21 while still in college and he had accumulated close to a million by the time of his death. He shined bright to say the least. I always looked up to him (more than my dad) and was never jealous but always happy for his success. I bragged that he was brother to all my friends. After his passing I can’t help but feel like it should have been the other way around. My family has basically fallen apart since he passed. I’ve always been there for my parents to help support them. But nothing I did seemed to really matter to my dad, he was deteriorating and there was nothing I could do about it. Fast forward two years and we don’t even talk anymore, my mom divorced him and he convinced me to put all my money into a business with him and than proceeded to kick me out of the business for profit. I’m not on the llc and there’s basically nothing I can do about it. I’ve always had this lingering feeling that if it were me and not my brother that had passed none of this would have happened. I almost know so. Anyways just needed to get this off my chest, thank you to anyone that took their time to read this.

    • Denise Howard Grissom  September 6, 2019 at 11:01 am Reply

      Arthur, I felt the same as you. I want you to know we are all worthy of the love and deserved to be loved. Many times when we think we are not deserving we can’t find happiness. I do not know your beliefs, but being a Christ follower helped me know I am worthy. I loved my brother most out of 4 brothers. He was fun, took me on dates with his girlfriend(s), took time to be my big brother. He was murdered, and nothing and no one was ever arrested and no justice was ever served. To make matters worse, my brother had decided to stop taking drugs and get his life back together. He was going to turn in some big drug people in, among those he trusted was our first cousin. My family know in our hearts he was primary in my brother’s death, but had no proof. As a follower of Christ I have been able to let it go and give it to God. I know justice will be served either the killer(s) will turn their lives around for good or they won’t.
      Please find a way to love yourself and others will follow. You deserve better than you are getting. Grab life, have good clean fun, and laugh. This what your brother would tell you to do. Find a great woman that loves you unconditionally. Start a family and let them all know how much you loved your great brother. Tell your brother your sorrows and your joys. I still do even though it’s 50 years since his sudden death. By the way, I was 12 years old when my brother was murdered, and was 20, almost 21. It took me 7 years before I could say his name out loud without crying. His death has made me more compassionate, empathetic to others experiencing health problems and death. I’ve done everything I can to help others. In a sense he lives in me still to this day. I hope this may comfort and possibly help you see others going through similar experiences you are. Grief will not go away, because we got to have our loved one in our life. What a blessing of such great memories! Cherish those great memories and do what you can to make the most of your life so they would be proud.

    • Nosipho  September 14, 2019 at 12:01 pm Reply

      I know the feeling. My sister recently died from a car accident. Since her death my mother blames me for not being in hospital on time. She blames me that she died in a car accident whilst going to work, she used to work in my business. My mom would cry for my suster and ask God why her and not me. It didnt bother me at first but the comparison had always been there. I cry a lot for my sister, she was my rock, my everything. But as for my family, they still wish I die. But in all that I have learnt that God is with me, it is not by human that my destiny will unfold but by God. I buried my sister, i couldn’t believe paying for mortuary fees, her cascette, and everything else. She was only 29 years old. I miss her a lot. Reading your post helped me to feel better. I have also realised how much my family hated me, my late sister would always warn me about them but I never wanted to accept it. Now that she is gone, ive learnt that its all about me. She left a 4 year old boy which I love dearly, my family also took him as I was his primary caregiver even when my sister was alive. Its been tough but I believe God is keeping me alive for a reason.

  82. Charlotte Banks  July 19, 2019 at 4:39 pm Reply

    I lost my brother Monday. He had end stage liver disease. It was unexpected as he didn’t tell us the extent of the disease and he knew he had days to live but didn’t tell us. I have spent almost every day with him for 8.5 weeks. He was only 40 and spent his 40th in hospital. He died a traumatic death, 12 hours of vomitting blood and he was looking around the room frightened. He cried out that he was dying a couple of times. He didn’t deserve that awful death. He didn’t want to die and fought so hard. He wanted to live and at times I haven’t so it feels the wrong way around. Life will never be the same.

    • Marion Cherry  July 29, 2019 at 9:44 pm Reply

      I appreciate you sharing your experience. I had a similar one with my older brother (he was 36) and had renal failure, among other health issues he faced. I remember wishing even when he was alive that I could have taken on some of his issues, because I was the one at times who didn’t want to live and experienced deep depression. My brother never made it about him though and I don’t think he liked to tell us when things would start to get bad or when he couldn’t afford medication (insulin for his diabetes). He had the best spirit though and was always optimistic, I try to remember that and live that. Sorry to talk a lot about my experience, but I hope in a little way it can help you feel like you’re not alone. Losing my brother brings up feelings I can’t articulate so I look for others to help me relate sometimes, I hope my sharing helps you too.

  83. Brenda H  July 16, 2019 at 7:51 pm Reply

    Thank you for this post. I have been looking for something like this for a while. I have noticed in the responses that it is very maddening to hear “you need to be strong for your parents.” Honestly, I feel better now that other people have felt the same anger as I have; every time I hear that, I want to yell their heads off. I lost my one and only sister on May 14, 2019, two days after her 41st birthday and a month shy of her second year wedding anniversary. It was a brain aneurysm, sudden and without prior warning.

    I feel the guilt that many do. She was perfect. She was thin, vegan, active, she sang and danced and had a little etsy store where she sold dog sweaters. She was in a student film, she got to sing at the house of blues; and she got to have the most beautiful garden wedding, something she had been planning ever since she was 8 years old. The only thing she needed was the groom, and after so many horrible boyfriends, she finally met her Ken.

    But I also feel something else, and this I shared at her service. She may have been a great friend, an awesome aunt, the best bestie, coworker, and the love of her husband’s life, but in the end she was MY SISTER. No one, on this good earth can even begin to understand the bond that we had. We were not best friends, we didn’t even text to each other that much. I am the exact opposite of her; but the bond that we had was stronger than any other bond save the bond with her husband. Our relationship was special, it was unique and it was just for me. It’s true, we had the longest running joke, and that belongs just to me. It is a good feeling. She gave me that, mi big sis.

  84. Gail A Bartlett  July 6, 2019 at 8:56 am Reply

    Patty and I were 3 and 5 when our baby sister Susan died at 14 mos old; she was precious and sweet and always happy. No one ever talked to us about her death..she just never came back from the hospital. We were sent to stay with different families and as an adult…I believe it was during the funeral and for several weeks after. We were not well behaved. We would cause trouble every night-jumping, laughing,singing…once we threw everything out the window; pillows and blankets, a few scatter rugs, whatever was not to heavy for our little hands. When the Adults swung open the door to yell…my mind plays it out as Charlie Brown adults..wahwahhwahwahwa. Patty and I stood together…and she with her hands on her hips she bent forward and yelled”hey..we don’t have to listen to you…you are not our parents.” And I stood 5yo tall and said “yeah” shaking my fist.
    Where were they anyway…our parents? Not sure …but I would think they were so filled with pain…they couldnt imagine life without their sweet baby…and couldn’t take care of us. Where was our little sister? It was sad , lonely and oh so confusing for us all. Patty and I had each other. For all our growing up..then she got cancer and died too. We were adults now with other younger sisters too. But I remeber the huge pain in my chest as my heart broke again..No no not another sister”.❤❤

  85. Kath  July 6, 2019 at 4:12 am Reply

    I have 3 brothers (older than me) and 1 sister (younger) and we are a dysfunctional family and have not had a lot to do with each other during our adult years. On the 23rd May 2018 I lost my middle brother aged 57 to end stage COPD, we did not even know he was sick he did not want us to know as he did not want any of us to worry about him. I was at work when my nephew called me several times to tell me that the Hospital had called him to tell him he had hours left to live. He had instructed the hospital not to tell any of his family, he only let the hospital call us when they told him there was nothing more they could do for him. By the time we got to the hospital he was in a coma, and he passed away on the following day. His funeral was on the 30th May 2018 and in the early hours of that day my Step-father passed away with stomach cancer and heart failure. needless to say we were devastated.

    Now this week I prepare to say goodbye to my other brother who has just turned 57 to Alcoholic Cirrhosis of the liver, to his credit he stopped drinking as soon as he was diagnosed approx 3yrs ago. My mother and I have been watching him get progressively worse over the last 3 months to the point that I took time off to start taking him to his appointments as he was becoming too weak to drive himself 300-400 klms to his appointments. He too has not been fully up front about how sick he is until I talked to his doctors and they suggested to him to be admitted to hospital and he refused and wanted to delay it for 1 week. I had to loose my temper at him the following day and very loudly pointed out to him he was dying and was being very selfish by making us watch, well by the end of my tirade he agreed to go to hospital that day. I scared him by being so very blunt. Seven days after being admitted to hospital he has been moved to the ICU due to being severely malnourished, muscle waste and with encephalitis he can barley keep his eyes open and cant even hold a cup, the Doctors advised they will not be able to do any life saving measures to save him as they would have an adverse effect on his failing body.
    He only has days left and I feel so very helpless and angry at the same time… all the thoughts of why didn’t I step in sooner. Why hasn’t his own family stepped in.. Why has it taken till 2 days ago for them to be involved and why cant they see he is dying … I feel they are delusional they think he is going to recover!!! there is only 1 cure and that is a liver transplant and he can’t have it as he is too far gone and too frail and the surgery alone will kill him.
    I am heart broken my only consolation is that I have had to privilege to spend time with him and provide some minor assistance to him for 2-3 weeks

    thank you for listening

  86. Meg  June 25, 2019 at 8:23 am Reply

    My brother and a group of his friends all went to help their friend change a tire. Three of them, including my brother were hit by a drunk and high driver. My brother and one of his friends did not make it. It was hours before my birthday. None of us will ever get over it. February 19, 2018 is the day that my world came crashing down and my family has never recovered.
    I play down my own emotions because I wasn’t his friends who were there that night. I’m not Dustin, who has to live with the fact that he survived while his friends didn’t. I’m not my brother’s girlfriend who was there and his stepson who misses his daddy. I’m not my parents: my mom who made it in time to ride with EMS or my dad who was in the emergency room as they tried to resuscitate him. I wasn’t even Jonah’s sister, who had an actual bond with him. Me and my brother barely tolerated each other as we got older.
    My brother was the popular one, I was the annoying crybaby who never really bonded with anyone. He was the one who was healthy and into fitness, meanwhile I get winded climbing a flight of stairs. My brother was the one who was going to be married, had a job he loved, and friends who were ride or die. I was/still am the one who struggles to even find employment and have decided to becoming an old maid. At his funeral, sign wavings, anything that is for them, I have people walk pass me and find my parents, or his friends, or his girlfriend. My parents and his girlfriend’s faces were plastered all over the news, while I stood to the side awkwardly trying to not cry. I had a well meaning cousin look me straight in the eye and tell me to. ‘take care of my parents.’ My mom who tries to come off as caring, mentions the fact that I have had several breakdowns to the rest of my family.
    I want to scream at people. I want to be selfish and tell them that they don’t get it because they didn’t have to hear their brother on the phone in pain. That they didn’t go from being excited for a new job and a birthday to then pleading with God for their brother to be ok. They weren’t the ones who came home first to close up my brother’s room because they didn’t want their parents to be upset when they came home. They’re not the ones who sat in the living room numb as their birthday creeped in. The sorrow I feel when my parents decide to watch the slideshows I made for my brother and the fury I have to swallow down to not scream, “I shouldn’t be the one doing my brother’s slideshow at 26.” That I shouldn’t have lost my brother at the age of 23. The horrible thoughts that tell me: It should have been you. No one would have cared if YOU were the one dead. Daniel had a job and a family, you? You’re just a failure. You can’t die now though, why put your parents through the hell of losing BOTH their children.

    • Jessi  July 14, 2019 at 5:41 pm Reply

      I just wanted to say thank you for posting your experience. I was 21 when my brother suddenly passed away in a car accident. He’s my only sibling. As hurt as my parents and I were/are, I (thought) it was my responsibility to take care of them. After all I was the older one who was in grad school for my Master’s in social work. I was the one who knew what songs he would want played at his funeral. He was my absolute best friend.
      My best friend (and some times my only friend) who would make sure he spent time with me after each of my serious brain/spine surgeries before going out with friends on a Friday/Saturday night. Again, I was left to wonder why it was him and not me as I was the sick one.
      Fortunately my parents were aware of this and made sure to always check in on me as much as I would check in on them. My brother died on July 15, 2011 and it still doesn’t always seem real. I still occasionally go to grab my phone to text him either something funny I heard or a new song from a band we both liked. The worst is when I hear part of a joke or see/hear something similar we liked because no one else gets it. You can explain it as much as you want to other people, but it just isn’t the same. <3

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    • Jazmia  December 10, 2019 at 11:58 am Reply

      I feel the exact same way. I feel as if I should’ve been the one to die. I should’ve gone to sleep and not have woken up. My brother died three years ago and my family feels it every day. If it was me, it wouldn’t have been this way. He was better than me in every sense of the word. Even though I know my family would be sad, it wouldn’t have been like this. Now I have to live.

      • Fenella  December 15, 2019 at 6:22 am

        Ditto to every word. My brother died on 3rd Dec 2019. He got hit off his bike by a car fleeing police at high speed. 8 days in a coma then taken off life support. He was superman. Successful, fit and sporty, driven and generous and kind, had a great career, wife and son who he adored. He was the useful one. I’m the burden, single mum with health issues, no career to speak of. And now I can hardly bare to be in the same room as my parents because the pain is staggering. The loss is staggering. I can barely get through the day myself, let alone support anyone else. I’m so angry with him for leaving me.

  87. Nathan  June 25, 2019 at 12:32 am Reply

    My sister is not here anymore. And neither am I.

  88. Kellyn  June 12, 2019 at 10:22 am Reply

    As a fellow bereaved sibling (my sister died in August, 2017), I very much agree that we are forgotten mourners.

    Case in point – my dad died in 2004 and afterwards, I considered myself to be fairly knowledgeable on how to support people in grief (I wasn’t right, of course, but because I was the first of my friends to lose a parent, peers often turned to me when terrible things started happening to other people).

    A high school friend who I hadn’t spoken to since graduation lost her sister…and I learned about it about 6 months after the fact. I wrote a card to her parents with this really beautiful memory of their daughter, but NEVER CONSIDERED sending a card to my old friend (seriously, WTF!).

    For sibling out there looking for community – there is a story sharing group on instagram group for brothers and sisters. You can find it here:

    https://www.instagram.com/survivingoursiblings/

    I think there is a lot of power in writing your story with your sibling – and a lot of comfort in reading the stories of others.

    • Kim  July 6, 2019 at 4:00 pm Reply

      I cannot thank you enough for sharing the information on the Instagram group. Finally, I feel connected to others experiencing the same kind of pain. Thank you!

  89. Sher  June 6, 2019 at 7:31 pm Reply

    On April 29th, 2019, I lost my younger brother. He was 19 years old. Mother’s Day was May 12th, and his birthday was May 31st. The grief is overwhelming at times. I am the oldest, while the brother I lost left behind a twin. I feel as if my grief isn’t as important as the twin, or even my parents. I feel responsible for taking care of everyone else, while my parents, especially my mom, are unable to take care of me. I’ve lost two grandparents before this, and neither of them felt this horrible. I know it is still fresh, but it’s making me feel crazy. Not a day goes by where I don’t think of him. He was the “youngest” and I feel responsible for not taking care of him like I should have, even though there was nothing I could have done to prevent this. I hope one day I can become a “normal” person again, but until that time, I’m a former shell of the person I once was.

  90. Briana  June 4, 2019 at 2:09 pm Reply

    I lost my younger brother May 12, 2019. He battled cancer for 4 years, including one relapse, and he would have been 20 on May 21st. May 12 this year happened to be mother’s day and that just really sucks. I feel like my grief and feelings have been overlooked the whole time he suffered with cancer, but especially after his death it feels like I don’t matter. People keep telling me that they’re glad I was home to take care of my parents like I was unaffected. Who was supposed to take care of me? My parents have been great, but even they constantly talk about how parents should never bury their children and how hard it is. I is very hard, and parents shouldn’t have to bury their children, but at 22 years old I shouldn’t have had to bury my 20 year old brother. My best friend for 20 years. The only thing that comforts me is that my last words to him we’re “I love you”, but I still wish school and work hadn’t prevented me from coming home to see him as much as I wanted.

    • Sher  June 6, 2019 at 7:33 pm Reply

      I lost my brother shortly before you lost yours, and they were only 10 days apart in age. I understand your loss, and I wish you well, even though life may suck right now.

  91. Kala  May 30, 2019 at 5:47 pm Reply

    After reading some of the posts on this site, I felt compelled to share. I lost my younger (and only) sister, along with one of my childhood friends 3 weeks ago on May 9th, 2019. We grew up in a small, isolated town in Alaska and went to high school here. My sister and I had an age difference of nearly two years (I’m 18, she was 16), and she was my absolute best friend. She was in her boyfriends truck with our friend. They were driving on a mountain when he lost control of the truck near the cliffside. He managed to jump out and survive before it tumbled down a 900 ft steep ravine and broke into pieces. It was fatal. My sisters body was found 700 ft down the ravine, and my friends body was 400 ft down the ravine. It was unexpected and unnatural. There was no warning, no time for me to tell her how much I love her, and how much I care. Our future is destroyed. She never got to go to prom, or see me graduate high school. She’ll never be able to meet my children or attend my wedding. I’ll never be able to hug her and talk about silly things again. Without her in my life, everything feels dull and I’m completely lost. I don’t want to be alone, but I know she’ll always be in my heart and would want me to live my life to the fullest. I’m not mad or hateful towards her boyfriend, as I’ve known him my whole life, and I know that my sister loved him very much . My family and I have been talking to a counselor, but I have so many questions that no one can answer… I just wish I could have protected her from this.

  92. Nichole  May 28, 2019 at 4:11 pm Reply

    Hi My name is Nichole
    I just lost my brother suddenly due to a heart attack age 44.we had just lost our father 2 years ago.i am completely lost.my best friend is gone.he is my middle brother. I am the oldest 46 and my youngest brother 40.i have not been the same since may 5th 2019.i don’t know how to feel.

  93. Lisa  May 21, 2019 at 3:02 am Reply

    My older sister, and only sibling, died on May 21, 2016. She was diagnosed with AML (a form of Leukemia that is fast moving) she was almost 59 years old. She fought hard to beat the AML. I was her 100% match for a stem cell transplant which we did on May 26, 2015. Her doctors told us I was her best chance. All went well with the sure cell transplant, and no cancer was in her blood as of September 2015! We all breathed a huge sigh of relief…. Then her numbers began to crash again by Dec, and they didn’t know why. We had to wait 1 year to the date to do another stem cell transplant… By February she was back in the hospital, and was back to getting infusions and transfusions… She stayed there in the hospital until The 15th of May. I kept asking if the Stem Cell Transplant had failed. I was told her blood was still clean, no cancer present in her blood. Then before sending her home around May 10th or 12th… We were told that although there were no cancer cells in her blood, the AML cells had formed tumors in her esophagus and lungs. She was not strong enough for more chemo, and another SCT couldn’t even be tried until the 26th… And because the cancer had formed cells outside the blood system it wouldn’t help. My strong, brave, fighter of a sister lost her battle on May 21, 2016. I miss her and mourn her daily 3 years later. I can’t find my footing and get back on my feet. I was once very social… Now going out doesn’t interest me, I no longer very daily, but at least 1-2x a month when alone I will break down. I have learned that survivors guilt is real, and it is devastating! (I am not selling diagnosing, I went to counseling for 3-4 months at some point during the first year without her b/c my husband and daughters thought it would help, and that is what my counselor said I was suffering from) I agree with the counselor…I honestly love daily with the regret of my stem cells not being good enough to save my sister. I hate today and transplant day (May 21st & May 26th) every year! I cut off all contract, go dark in social media and just hide away for the day!

    My sister was more than my older sister, she was my best friend, my confidant, & my partner in crime! We had so many inside jokes… And now it’s just me… When she gained her wings her pain ended… But sadly my pain started. I’m tired of hurting, I’m tired of missing her, and I’m tired of being the ” strong little sister” that handles everything and manages her grief well!! Guess what!!! I don’t handle my grief well… I’m a friggin basket case… And have totally lost myself!! I need to find my feet again, and I know I need to move on… But along with there being very few grief support groups for siblings… Try finding one for siblings who have donated from their body to save their sibling and it failed! That is the group I need? SCT failures unite… There is honestly no group out there for us!

    • Kelly Dubois  June 11, 2019 at 3:38 pm Reply

      Let’s make a group !!!!
      I lost my little sister two years ago today June 11, 2017. She is no longer in any pain but I too feel like my pain started the day she left😢😢
      I feel exactly like you do
      I relate to everything she was my whole world. 13 Months apart and we spent 36 years together. As she was 36 when she passed away. She had diabetes that led to a very bad kidney and heart disease. She had her toe amputated and was devastated that she couldn’t work anymore. I’m so angry that the doctors didn’t give her dialysis for her kidneys. She called me on Saturday and told me she couldn’t walk that her ankles look like elephant ankles they were so full of water. The hospital released her two days ago because I asked her why are you not in the hospital Keri?!?!
      I still can’t believe the hospital released her 2 days before she passed! I’m so angry I’m so upset I have so many emotions all of them! I am completely broken

    • Kate  June 15, 2019 at 8:19 am Reply

      I donated my stem cells to my brother. 13 months older than me. He died on Tuesday. (2 months post transplant.) Desperately need to join a group of people who have experienced the same. Survivors guilt, just utter devastation, anger….all sorts of emotions coming up.
      He was 42. It’s his birthday next weekend…. I have never known life without him. All the photos are killing me. We were always together.
      So sad.

    • Miranda Clayton  August 24, 2019 at 1:08 pm Reply

      I lost my youngest sister also, she too was my BEST FRIEND, MY CONFIDANT, MY COMPANION, MY ADVISER and I lost her. I made so many many many mistakes at the time she suddenly fell ill and within 3 weeks she was dead and I was DEVASTATED. It was like being hit by a high speed midnight express train and I have NEVER RECOVERED FROM THIS and I am lost without her. She died three and a half years ago, but to me, it seems LIKE YESTERDAY and my mind keeps reliving the HORROR, THE DRAMA, THE TRAUMA. I will NEVER forgive myself for acting upon the advice of that EVIL GENERAL MEDICAL PRACTITIONER and he CAUSED EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED starting on Christmas Eve morning at 10am in 2015. My father had just die ONE MONTH EARLIER and we were ALL still grieving and that was the LOUSIEST CHRISTMAS I had ever had in my whole life. Now I HATE Christmas and it makes me feel sad, distressed, lonely and GUILTY. Twelve weeks following my BEST PAL’S DEATH, my mother died. And last year, I lost the LAST SURVIVING MEMBER of our family which was our MIDDLE SISTER, he death too was sudden. She died Christmas last year 2018 on the 27th and she was dead before she hit the ground. So now I am left all alone on a hostile planet, with NO family, NO real friends and plenty of enemies and stalkers.

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  94. Alain Beaudoin  May 11, 2019 at 11:30 pm Reply

    I lost my youngest sister on my very first Father’s day.
    I mention that because I was 57 years old and my son was 8 months old. Yes my wife is much younger and we also have a 13 month old little girl who will never know her auntie.
    I can tick off most of the grief feelings listed. However, the guilt I feel feels insurmountable. Back in 2006 my sister took me in while I tried to recover from a nasty divorce. I had taken a 3 month medical leave . I lived 2000 kms away from my sister and eventually I sold my condo, gave up a lucrative job and started my life over surrounded with her love and understanding. Today I have a great wife, kids, large house and have travelled around the world. I owe her more than I can ever say….her patience, understanding, her efforts guiding me through the divorce as my proxy, care and love etc.….when she went to the hospital in spring 2017, I was unavailable due to work, moving, and young family issues plus she was 3 hours away. Her new husband kept us in the loop but in retrospect I had no idea what the hell was going on. At the end, I was at her bedside the same way we were together at our mother’s in 2001. We always had a special bond with me being the oldest and her the youngest. We understood each other.
    I went to therapy to work through my issue but nothing alleviated the guilt. Triggers are everywhere and I compartmentalize. I will start therapy again, it’ll be two years this June. I was disappointed in the lack of information and studies regarding sibling loss. My personal relationship with my wife is suffering. Unless you experience sibling grief you have no idea how profoundly it affects your thoughts, your behaviour, your soul.
    My other sister is made of sterner elements. I am not. It’s as if I want to self-flagellate with the pain I feel.
    Shortly after passing, , my x- brother in law told me my sis used to wake up and say she dreamed her dying was a nightmare and she’d wake up relieved it was a bad dream and then she would actually wake up and the opposite would be true.
    That kills me every time I think of it.

  95. Karen Nicole  May 11, 2019 at 5:00 pm Reply

    These stories are eye opening. I wish I had read them sooner…. although, I don’t know what else I could have done to support my boyfriend who lost is brother. My boyfriend whom I loved very much, lost his brother a year and a half into our relationship. Prior to the death, we had an amazing bond and love for each other.

    I’m speaking in the past tense because a few months after the death….. things changed dramatically. He completely changed. He was unloving, mean, dismissive, hurtful, unkind, sarcastic, and turned against me. I was suddenly the enemy.. He saw a grief counselor for one visit and decided that was all he needed…. and apologized to me and blamed the change on his brother’s death…… and then shortly after that the behavior started again and became worse.

    At this point, I can see that he is very intentional in the pain that he is inflicting on me. We were so close… and now we share nothing. We were best friends who had a very intimate bond… Soulmates. …. We shared everything, and now, we share nothing. He completely shut me out… I used to trust him – now he lies all the time.

    So now, I am also grieving, because the man that I loved, is a monster that I do not know. I thought I was being supportive to him… but I guess it wasn’t enough. As much as I was in love him; I had to cut the cord. The emotional abuse is off the charts. Now, I have to take care of myself. He is a 30 year sober recovering alcoholic and addict. Whether he is pushing me away so he can use… or if he has already started using again – I can no longer be a part of the destructive road he is on. My heart is broken – but the situation was getting even worse. He turned into a liar, a gaslight, and a womanizer,

    Can anyone tell me what I was missing, or if there was anything I should have been doing?

    • Lili  June 5, 2019 at 3:54 pm Reply

      Your friend is grieving in his own way, be it destructive to himself and others. I suggest you let him go. He will continue to grieve in this manner until he realizes that his brother would not want him to continue in life in a destructive manner.

  96. Esther  May 10, 2019 at 4:45 am Reply

    My brother was killed 2 years ago on Thursday, May 11, 2017 by a drunk driver who crossed into his lane head on and killed him instantly. One block from his work, which he commuted an hour to daily. I was woken up with a phone call telling me he was gone. I was still half asleep when they told me and I sat right up in bed and my world came crashing down. I still have nightmares about it and the pain was and is still so unbearable so much of the time. We were a year and a half apart. Extremely close. He was my best friend my entire life. He was everything to me and now he is gone. I feel that the second year has been far worse than the first year, because the first year you are just trying to endure it. Then the second year, there are no more firsts and it sinks in even more that this is forever and it hurts even more. He was 41 and had 4 young kids, 7, 9, 11, and 15. The guy got the minimum- 4 years jail time when he already had a previous dui, was driving on a suspended license, in a car that wasn’t his, that had no insurance on it. He had numerous arrests his whole adult life and was a well known drug dealer in the area but knew how to play the system. He was being followed by a police officer that witnessed the entire accident. I always wonder why he didn’t pull him over. He was 3 times over the limit. I feel like people just don’t get it. Like at 6 months people think you should be over it already. It’s been 2 years and it is still a struggle and I still can’t sleep or concentrate so much of the time. And I feel like I have no one because most of my friends haven’t even lost a parent yet, much less a sibling. I lost my Dad a year and a half before that.
    I also feel like everyone downplays your grief as a sibling. At the funeral and right after, (even now they still do this), everyone would ask me how my mother was doing, or how my sister-in-law was doing. They never asked me how I was or how I was doing. It was always about my mom or my sister-in-law. Like it didn’t matter what I was going through. I just wanted to scream what about me? Why don’t you ask me how I am doing? Not that it wasn’t hard for my mother or his wife. But you are completely overshadowed and no one seems to get it that you are in pain also and are oblivious to the destruction the loss of a sibling brings to YOUR life. Yes, it destroys the life of the spouse and mother who loses their child and the kids he left behind, of course, but it also destroys the life of you – the sibling. Forever. I just feel like no one gets it. They trivialize sibling losses, when they are in fact, significant and tramatic to those that are close to their siblings. You lose your past, your present, and your future because all the family history with your sibling- no one else knows or will ever understand. I had all these inside jokes with my brother that were just ours alone. I could be myself with him and be stupid and silly and he accepted me 100% in a way no one else does or could. I have memories of growing up together that no one else has because it was just the two of us together. I have other siblings but we were the ones closest in age to each other and were each other’s constant playmates and companions as children and as we got older, our bond just got stronger. I was robbed of a future together because of the irresponsible actions of someone else. I am indifferent to the guy to a point most of the time but also angry that he lived and my brother didn’t. It should have been the reverse. And yes I just said that. It’s always the innocent people that die in drunk driving accidents most of the time. My brother never drank in his life and the irony of it is stifling. Just wanted to share my story.

    • Kim  July 6, 2019 at 4:30 pm Reply

      I lost my only sibling about 9 1/2 months ago to a massive heart attack. It’s still so hard to fathom. She was my best friend. We had been through so much together. Our mom died when we were young (I was 15, she was 20). She, being the older one, took over the mother role and did the best she could. She married and was so unhappy. He was and is such a jerk. I helped her through as best I could. She helped me in the struggles (which are continuing) of my being married to a pastor. My grandmother (we were very close to her) died Sept 30, 2017 (on my birthday-how cruel is that!?). My sister and I were with her when she took her last breath. But we were going to be okay. We had each other. Then, I got the call on Sept 23, 2018. It was the absolute worst day of my life. My sister had died of a massive heart attack. My husband says the scream he heard come out of me was something you only hear in horror movies. I was in total and complete shock. I’m angry, so freaking angry! She left behind 2 kids, 20 and 11. Her husband treated her horrible. And now, he’s playing the grieving husband. I know how you feel. Because it should have been him that died…not her. Her kids need her, not the father they have been left with. I help as best I can with them, but I can barely function myself. I fear losing someone else. I’m so sick of death! I fear dying myself, but at the same time, I just want to go on. At least there would be no more pain.

  97. Hailey  May 3, 2019 at 10:34 pm Reply

    Hi, my name is Hailey and i am only 11 years old and at age 8 i lost my older sister and she was only 14 years old, my sister died from a brain hemmerage and i am the youngest of 7 children, i feel horrible because i could not save her and i will never see her again and possibly never hear her voice again, it is very hard because my friedns are kids so they don’t get it AT ALL!!!

    • Claire  May 11, 2019 at 12:07 pm Reply

      Hayley I’m sorry for your early loss . I can only say that keeping the good things, let go of the horrible things and allow yourself to randomly smile at sweet memories will be lifelong but the strength you’ve got to express your feelings is fabulous. Sadly there are no why, your sister ,answers but only that you were the special person to become her sister. Keep close to your family.

    • Courtney  August 30, 2019 at 3:18 am Reply

      Hailey,
      I’ve carried a pain similar to yours for a very long time. When I was 10, my little sister passed away at 17 months old. When you go through the loss of a sibling at that age, devastating isn’t a strong enough word to describe the struggle. I had feelings I couldn’t explain, not even inside my own head. I felt guilty if I was to talk to my parents about my pain, because I knew they had to be going through a pain worse than mine. I remember the thoughts that crossed my mind that as an adult, concerns me more than when I was a child. I remember thinking to myself if I just hold my breath, I could see her again. As an adult, I still can’t bring myself to tell that to my parents. It would only bring them guilt of being fooled by the kid I was trying to be, the kid that was okay, the kid they didn’t have to worry about because they had enough to deal with. To this day, I have never seen my parents so lost. But I was lost too. We all were. But I thought I couldn’t let them know because it would only make it worse. I have realized that isn’t true. I should have told them what I was experiencing but I didn’t because I didn’t want to break them and they seemed so broken at the time. My older sister was 12. She told them everything and showed them all her feelings. I saw them cry because of what she told them and I took it as she was hurting them more. That wasn’t true. They were crying with her because they were feeling the same as she did. Sometimes crying together helps. It makes you feel not so alone. Truth be told, my older sister came to accept my little sisters death before I did, but that’s because I bottled it up inside and grief doesn’t go away when you do that. Grief has to be faced, which is so incredibly hard when you feel so empty. I wanted to stay sad because I thought she deserved it. I cried so much that I still believed I cried all the tears out of my body. It was like I felt my eyes pushing out the tears, but I was shocked when they didn’t come out. I also just wanted to feel happy again, like a child should at that age. That also made me feel guilty for ever wanting to be happy without her. Even though I knew she would want me to be happy. None of my friends understood. I didn’t feel comfortable talking with them about it because they were too young to know what to say, and I always would end up feeling embarrassed by causing the awkward feeling. The only person my age I could talk to was my best friend who missed my baby sister very much too. We cried together many times. For many years. Because grief is not something you get over but something that makes you stronger, because you have no other choice. I would never want a child to experience that pain and I am so so sorry that you have. I wish more than anything that you didn’t. It hurts in ways that words can’t explain. What did help me was a bunch of little things. Find a journal. Write to your sister. No need to catch her up on what’s happened because she is watching every day. She is living life through you. She will get to experience the fun memories to come because she is watching you. And as an older sister, I’ve wished so many times to have been able to take her place. That is a very normal feeling. Without a doubt, I know how much a big sister deeply loves her baby sister. Trust me. It’s a painful love I’ve lived with and would choose to continue to live with so she can live life through me too. I have to admit, it’s hard to read comments about people who lost their siblings after so many years of being able to live life with them. It’s hard because I’m jealous. Being so young, my memories are not very clear and that’s really really hard when you feel that is all you have left of your sister. I remember kissing her pacifier many times after she died because it was the closest I could get to kissing her again. Grief makes you do some things that people who haven’t experienced it would see as strange. I remember talking to a friend at school about kissing her paci, and she looked at me like I was very strange. And I looked at her like she just didn’t get it because she didn’t have to carry such pain. It does get easier. Your sister will let you know she is still with you, and I can only explain it as you will feel her hugging your heart. The day will come. Stay strong. Talk with your other siblings if they are wanting to talk. And if you don’t feel comfortable talking with them, you have a sister who is in Heaven listening always. Talk to her. Mine gave me goosebumps when I would talk to her. That’s how I knew she was listening. You will feel happy again. As big sisters, we want our baby sisters to know that we will never forget them or ever leave them. They stay with us in our hearts. I used to think my heart hurt so much because she had to climb inside where I couldn’t see her anymore, but when I would think of her, I would feel her hugging my heart. And it was hard at first because I wanted to hug her back so much. Now I take the hug with a big smile on my face because she is reminding me that she is still watching. This past year has been a hard one. She would have turned 18. Moments when I find myself being sad at what we didn’t get to do together, I then talk to her about what I think it would be like. I joke about things and how much of an overprotective big sister I would have been. Many people who know me now, don’t realize I am a big sister. And that’s ok, because she knows I am. She is with you sweetheart. Give her time and she will show you that. You don’t have to say goodbye to her. I like to think of my sister as being like the wind. I can’t see it, but I can feel it… Just like I can’t see her but I can feel her. It gets better. I promise with all my heart, it gets easier and better. And no matter what any of your classmates might say, she is still your sister. Ignore the kids who just don’t understand. It’s not their fault they don’t know. And it’s not your fault that you do.

  98. Debbie  May 2, 2019 at 6:33 am Reply

    I miss him.

    I should have spoken to him more often.

    I feel so much guilt.

    I hope he knows I loved him and continue to do so with every breathing moment.

    • Paul  May 3, 2019 at 7:51 pm Reply

      Exact same feelings. I still miss my brother.

    • Michelle  May 14, 2019 at 11:22 pm Reply

      He knows. He’s still in your heart like he was before he died. Dearh didn’t break that bond. My sister died 8/31/2016 and is still in my heart. I’ve heard that writing letters is effective.

  99. Dawne  April 26, 2019 at 8:04 pm Reply

    My sister passed away May 23, 2017. My mother had 5 children within 6 years. My sister was the oldest of the five and she died at the age of 54 of a heart attack. On our side of the family, she leaves behind a spouse, they were married for ~30 years, 5 children, 4 girls and a boys, 1 grandchild, twins on the way, her mother, 2 sisters, 2 brothers, 2 nieces, 4 nephews and several relatives on both sides of the family.

    The most difficult thing about her death at this moment for me, is that there is not a lot of communication between my sister’s children, her spouse between my mother, my siblings and me.

    I lost a sister, my kids lost their aunt, my mother lost her daughter, my brother-in-law lost his wife and so on.

    In my mind, I thought we were close as family. I thought my sister’s children would reach out to me for comfort, share their grief with me, tell me stories of my sister that would comfort me. Everyone grieves differently, that is for sure.

    We got together for holidays, my sister and her husband and children, we would call each other on our birthdays, holidays etc. My mother is saddened, because she did not receive calls on her birthday from all her grandchildren or family members. Are we all too busy to communicate with one another. Is it grief that draws us further apart from one another.

    My mom was always there for all of us. I miss the closeness. I see and feel time passing me by, and becoming further from family than ever before. This article has explained a lot of why this is happening. The dynamics of all changed. My sister used to run the “show” she was the captain of the ship. She is gone. I pray that we will all be connected once again, but also know we will all be together again some day.

    I miss my sister terribly, she was my life line, my children’s life line, he loss is felt even more so by the woman who gave birth to her.

  100. Shelley  April 14, 2019 at 9:39 pm Reply

    Wow. I always felt alone. I lost my mom and dad by the age of 21,within 2 years, but losing both sisters was so completely different. I thought was alone in my feelings that I had. I became a different person when my sisters died. I wish I could be the happier version of myself, but the reality of life, the innocence of youth was lost when my oldest sister died. I had remorse, I had guilt and even now, almost 20 years later, I would give anything just to see or hear her. She was my best friend, my everything and I realized I am not alone in this depth of despair and grief. Thank you to all who share their stories and thoughts. I realize I am not alone in this battle with loss. We hide it everyday because no one understands and no one can understand the loss we have endured. May we all find something to remind us of who we were, who we will never be again and who we must attain to be years later. Even if it doesnt fit the narrative of what others expect. Somehow we can overcome the grief. Somehow.

  101. Daniel  April 12, 2019 at 11:43 pm Reply

    Man… I don’t even know where to begin. I just lost my older brother, John, (37 years old) on Friday, March 30th, 2019 but he was taken off the respirator a couple days later on April 2nd… It was a very tragic and sudden event and I’m at a complete loss of words and don’t even know exactly how the events unfolded completely as I’m hearing it all 2nd hand b/c I live in another city. John was the most courageous person you could ever meet. One of those tough as nails guys on the outside – a former 173rd Army Airborne (1 of 2 Airborne units in the Army, the other being the 82nd Airborne) soldier that fought in Iraq and saw some pretty crazy stuff to put it succinctly to people who don’t have relatives in the military. He came back with PTSD and some substance abuse and unfortunately there isn’t a whole lot of help for military members suffering issues/injuries that aren’t as visible. He was also one of the kindest, caring people you’d ever meet; completely unselfish and willing to give you the shirt off his back if you needed it – completely fearless as well. Just to give you an idea, he reached a high degree in Judo and one time in high school someone came at him with a K-bar knife and he neutralized him swiftly using a Judo throw that he learned when we lived in Japan where my dad was stationed for the Marines; but hated to hurt people even if they were threatening him – that’s just the type of person John was and now I don’t have him. I feel completely at fault – I hate myself so much – I’m extremely angry at God and myself and my family for not more readily recognizing the signs. One thing that really irks me is that he was sent to the ER room 3 months prior for a similar incident but the next of kin wasn’t notified – which I’m still unable to answer as to why as I thought it was required by law to notify next of kin? The event that happened 3 months ago; he was revived and became conscious and supposedly told the hospital not to contact my parents but I thought it was required… I guess not. I’m angry about it as that could have been a ‘signal’ to us all slapping myself and my family in the face to wake the hell up and get him some serious help instead of just rolling with the punches and assuming things will be fine – no they weren’t and I’m upset at myself the most about it. I’m also angry with the handling of his final moments. The paramedics did a terrific job getting his heart beating again – knowing the warrior John is he was stabilized but considered brain dead as he was found without breathing for up to 12 minutes so the damage to the brain was just too much – how can the person (his so called girlfriend) have been with him but not know he wasn’t breathing for 12 minutes? I have so many unanswered questions and am upset he wasn’t given a few more days (at least a week minimum) on the respirator just in case a miracle were to occur as there are several cases of people being declared brain dead who have made full recoveries. The hospital system works in an surprising way that I didn’t know until now. The team that works on reviving you is different than the team that declares brain death and subsequently organ donation. There are incentives for the 2nd team that declares brain death to quicken the process of organ donation as they’re telling potential receivers that there “may be an organ available”… Well when they say this quote, this means they have someone on a respirator and they’re just trying to convince the parents to stop the respirator so that they can “legally” take the organs after the heart stops beating b/c otherwise it would be a homicide.. I get it, they want to save other lives – but this is MY BROTHER, they’re HIS organs. HE HAS NO OBLIGATIONS TO ANYONE ELSE. I didn’t like being made to feel like cattle prodded along b/c of the entrenched interests of the donor team that doesn’t care 1 iota about my older brother. Disturbing way to handle someone’s final moments when science doesn’t even understand a millionth of a percent of human consciousness or where the soul goes on a subatomic level when in moments of comas or brain trauma. There are cases of people being declared dead (boy in Alabama) and other cases of people officially flatlining on a heart monitor who came back to life – She (Kim Clark) described she saw their body on the operating table, looking at the team of doctors and nurses and then their soul rising to the top of the hospital and seeing a blue shoe at the top. Then when they came back to life she told the attending nurse of the shoe that was found exactly where they saw it, on the 3rd floor ledge. You can watch that on youtube here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WPXK2Ls-xzQ … my point of saying all of that is that even though to our eye they look like they may be not with us or in a coma , their soul, their consciousness, is very much alive…. this is what I believe is spoken of in the New Testament that can not be destroyed.

    Regardless, I just wish John was given a week minimum. It’s difficult for me but ultimately even though I’m in the beginning stages of healing and am angry at God, I have to trust God is doing the right thing and that John is in a better place where his warrior spirit is running free…. Please pray for me and my family.

    • Elyse  April 13, 2019 at 5:15 am Reply

      First, I am so sorry for your loss, what a horrible experiences you have had. I really feel for you. I am to interested in whether the hospital has to contact the next of kin. My brother passed a couple of days ago, we don’t know exactly when as he was found asleep. My brother had many admissions to hospital and non of the family were notified, I feel so sad because of we were notified we might have been able to help. I am really sorry for your loss. What a tragedy.

      • Daniel  April 15, 2019 at 10:32 am

        Thank you Elyse for your kind words as I’m sorry for your loss as well. I really wish there were some kind of law requiring next of kin to at least be notified. It just doesn’t make sense as the hospital knows whatever brought them there is serious enough for loved ones to know in order to prevent it from happening again. I get that they’re trying to privacy but when a family member is at risk they may not be quantifying that risk properly and it needs attention and care to be identified and dealt with properly – at least given the chance to do so. I hope the days to come bring a new understanding about life to us and everyone here – it’s never easy going through something alone and I am thankful for this website and for everyone sharing their thoughts. May peace be with you.

    • Kim  July 6, 2019 at 7:12 pm Reply

      Daniel, I know exactly what you’re talking about…the anger at God, the anger of not being there to help. My sister died of a massive heart attack. According to the coroner, she was dead within seconds. No one was home. Her 11 year old daughter found her. I’ve been a Christian all my life. My dad is a retired pastor; I’m married to a pastor. But I can honestly say, this is the single most hardest thing I have ever experienced.

      I blamed myself for her death (that’s a whole other long story). My mother passed when I was 15, my dad kinda lost his way during that time and my sister and I were pretty much left to take care of each other. Then, I lost my grandmother and now sister within a year of each other. I refused to pray. The only reason I went to church was because it was expected of me. I wouldn’t sing or bow my head to pray. I was hollow (still am in a lot of ways). I was having panic attacks and meltdowns on my kids. I’m still a mess, but I finally prayed…just this week actually. And I can’t explain the peace.

      I’m still having my meltdowns and panic attacks, but I know I’m not alone. Anyway!!! I say ALL this to say that I draw comfort from Psalm 139:16. God knew before we were born when we were going to die. I still miss her terribly. I want to hear her laugh, see her getting to my house late (as she always did), go to concerts together, share secrets with her. But in it all, I’m comforted in knowing that God knew when he was going to take her home. I hope this doesn’t upset you. I’m just determined to try and help others and accept help myself. Because honestly, it’s the only way I feel like I will survive this. Praying for you and your family.

  102. Miranda  April 10, 2019 at 3:23 am Reply

    I lost my little sister at 21 on the 16th of March this year. She would be 22 on the 12th of April (this Friday.) We learned 6 years ago that she had been suffering from seizures in her frontal lobe when she had a grand mal seizure on the school bus. Only having 3 total ones in her life we thought the medication was working and we didn’t think much more about it. She had just started her first job and though she hated it, she loved making money. We were best friends only being 3 years her senior we have always done everything together. My mom and I found her in the morning trying to wake her for work… she never woke up. She had a seizure in her sleep. We learned later that day she had been forgetting to take her pills. The pills she was afraid not to take, she would come home from work so tired and fall asleep on the couch and forget them. I can’t help but be so angry at her, why didn’t she ask for help remembering to take them. Why didn’t we notice the bottle and that she wasn’t taking them. It hurts so bad that I lost my best friend! We were just planning a trip to Africa in a year. Now my mom and I are going with out her,,, and are ganna spread her ashes in the land she loved so much with out ever going…

  103. Megan McGrath  April 8, 2019 at 5:33 pm Reply

    It’s been just over 3 months since my younger brother Matthew died on January 1, 2019, he was 22. I’m older than him by 9 years (31) and 6 years older than our sister (she’s 25), so I always felt like I had to be their protector because I’m older.
    He was camping with friends and got separated from the group while riding ATVs (4Wheelers) and when trying to make his way back to their campsite his 4wheeler hit a ditch filled with water on the side of the road and flipped on top of him, pinned him underneath and he drowned.
    I’m struggling with the thought of having to attend a New Year’s Eve & New Year’s Day celebration this year and the years to come, as they will always be the anniversary of his death.
    And I know that life moves on, but I’m still at the point where every day I think of “what might have been” and the things my sister and I will both miss out on without him in our lives anymore.

  104. Soph  April 8, 2019 at 12:18 pm Reply

    I lost my brother in June 2018. With work and everything else going on, I’ve been in survival mode ever since. The shock is finally going away. I feel so angry, guilt, sad, and frustrated at the same time. I try so hard to shield my mother from how I feel and only tend to her needs. When does this feeling go away? Does it ever go away?

  105. Ren  April 6, 2019 at 4:41 am Reply

    I lost my sister a yr ago today to ARDS @ 340p!
    We were very close! I haven’t been able to deal with it fully! A part of me died as she took her last breath! I miss her TREMENDOUSLY!!
    After our mother died in 03 to ALS, SHE WAS THE GLUE THAT HELD OUR FAMILY TOGETHER!
    I WISH I IT HADN’T BEEN HER THAT DIED THAT DAY!
    SHE WAS MY BEST FRIEND, MY STRENGTH, MY LIGHT, MY EVERYTHING!
    I miss u T!

  106. Sabrina  April 1, 2019 at 2:52 pm Reply

    Last night i figured out that My mom had lost out baby that was still in the womb. I am only 13 years old and experiencing this is really hard for me. I have been very depressed lately and did not want to wake up for school. My mom had a doctors appointment today and they confirmed that the baby is gone. My mom and I are really sad because I am the only child in the family and we were very happy to find out that she was pregnant.When the baby passed my mom was only 6 weeks pregnant. If you have anyway to make this work please E-mail me.

    • Annalisa  May 14, 2019 at 3:40 pm Reply

      Wow, that’s crazy. Im 13 almost 14 and my mom lost my baby sibling who was still in the womb 3 weeks ago. I know exactly how you feel. I had wanted another sibling for years and when I finally had another sibling, they were taken from me. Its so hard.

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  107. ks  March 27, 2019 at 10:28 pm Reply

    Its been a year, today, since she died and I am still unable to accept it. I am angry more then anything, at God, at her, her husband, life. Its a big old mess. I thought this would break me but it hasn’t. I don’t know what will, maybe I am broken but unable to see it. I have felt broken before and you just continue, resign yourself to the pain, mistrust. I think I thought this loss would be different, too much.I don’t know how I feel honestly, or what to show to others. Showing strength isn’t always the best- it’s okay to feel shaken and want to be held. I am who i am and no one is going to tell me how to feel, judge me, call me selfish right now- not even my family, friends. I feel I am wearing a mask and holding so much already in, so if I crack a little it’s alright. I’m not superwomen. I can’t explain my emotions or calm them down. I think I could fill a while notebook trying to explain this heartache I feel. Anyways, it’s come and past and it has to be acknowledged. I am not grieving too much- something profound and life altering happened- and you can’t put that behind you. Its something we will have to learn to live with everyday.

  108. ks  March 25, 2019 at 8:38 pm Reply

    In 2 days it’ll be a year my oldest sister will have passed away. She was only 37 and died of cancer throughout her body. It happened fast, or rather- was ignored and then happened fast after she couldn’t ignore it anymore. I am struggling. I don’t seem to be grieving the same as my family. Every month has been hard, lots of crying. I can’t get over how fast everything changed and yet nothing changed- life goes on, and I don’t understand that… Why did this happen?! I’ve lost a lot of people, and I wasn’t even close to this sister- but she was My sister! She wasn’t just anyone, she was someone who knew me since childhood. I am still struggling to process the timeline, the last months she had, the details that bring anger and bitterness. Mostly just the fact that she is permanetly gone and I’ll never get that chance to be close to her. And she seemed okay with that. I am struggling not to talk about her too much but also to not let myself talk at all. People act like it didn’t even happen- they did 2 months after! I am okay, I will be fine- but I don’t think I’ll ever be the same Again, my family won’t quite recover. Its too much baggage. Right now I seem better then I have any of the previous months, but it’ll hit me. I am afraid of how I’ll be when it does.

    • Marlene  May 27, 2019 at 3:07 pm Reply

      Reading your post I relate so much. My brother, 42 was diagnosed 17 months ago with advanced colorectal cancer. And as it happened with your sister it was ignored by him probably by at least a year or so. Everyday he is with us is a gift, right now his tx is palliative, due to the extension of the tumors is not curable. He is not coping well either and most of the time is in pain. As you I haven’t been close to him prior to dx because he didn’t wanted me to. I’m the youngest by 3 years and I work in healthcare so I have tried everything to keep him alive. I know the end can come in any moment and although I have been resilient till know and don’t know about tomorrow.

  109. Betty  March 22, 2019 at 2:54 pm Reply

    I’m going too kill myself when my older Sibling did this to me now. She’s been bulling us to long that Her Lawyeers take Her side . So I’m going to kill myself to make it better for her. She’s been abusing by taken Her Alzimer Parents Money to bias a big House & a big bran new big car wow it’s big. All from Her Parents Money not her own. She didn’t have a job.

    • Paula  May 9, 2019 at 4:31 pm Reply

      Betty, please do not kill yourself!! Your life is precious! Please get help with your feelings from a counselor and also maybe a pastor who is good at counseling. Suicide is never the answer. You can get help to rise above the difficult situation. Even though it can feel differently sometimes, there are people who care, and Jesus cares. He experienced sorrow and betrayal, and he cares. You can talk to him, too. I hope the best for you.

  110. Tressa McAndrew  March 20, 2019 at 3:51 pm Reply

    Fade to black, this is me now. A mere shell, a ghost. My beloved Sister, Tracy, is now gone. She had a cardiac arrest, brought on by severe allergic reaction at 58. Her sick lungs not able to breathe. She survived a week onlife support, in a coma. I held her hand till it was ice cold. I am devastated. It’s been almost a year.
    She was taking care of my elderly Mother. She neglected herself to her own death. She was my Sun and my moon. My Family was dysfunctional before her death, now , I fear it it is beyond repair. They expected me to be her, to take the whole enchilada on of caring for my Mom, without my input or feelings. There is much more to this story.
    I knew my Sister was struggling with my Mom’s care, and I gave her little to no help. My reasons, my own. I knew of her unhappiness . I feel ashamed. We hadn’t spoken in months, I was hiking the Pacific Crest Trail. My grief now all consuming. My husbands patience waining. Why can’t you snap out of it? Booze numbs the pain temporarily. Then it returns with a vengeance, taking my to the dark side. I cannot taste my food. I do not want to get out of bed. My adult children cannot understand, at all. I am angry at everything and everyone. I cannot move forward.
    No one understands how I feel, only Tracy could and did. She was my best friend, my Sister, my keeper, my Mother, my ass kicker, my world , my everything. She was the family glue. The only comfort I have, is that she is free. When I think of her now, it is as a Wild Horse, running free. I miss her with every breath I take, and will, until I breathe no more.
    Thank You for listening. 🌹

    • We are a small family and I feel so alone now in the world nobody knows me like she did anyway I just want to say that everything you said resonated with me so much thank you  March 21, 2019 at 9:00 pm Reply

      Hi
      Your comment touched me so much. I lost my oldest sister a month ago. She was also caring for my sick mother. She was the glue. She was my best friend. She was divorced and I never married. Being the free spirited artist that I am never wanted to be tied down. I’m 55 and she was 57 were so close she died waiting for an organ transplant. We are a small family and I feel so alone now in the world nobody knows me like she did anyway I just want to say that everything you said resonated with me so much thank you

  111. MARLA NICOLETTI  March 7, 2019 at 8:27 pm Reply

    I just lost my brother to a Heart Attack yesterday afternoon. He was only 53 years old and it was a shocked to all in the family. I am grieving extremely hard. Everything that is listed on the home page is all true tohow I am feeling. See on March 1st my brother was in a bad car accident the resulted in his vehicle rolling over and now it is totaled. At the time of the accident, we were unsure as to how it came about, while in the hospital we found out it was his heart that was bad. My brother is very stubborn, he is married to a woman who has been hateful to my family for years. My brother waited on her hand and foot, never was concerned about his health always hers. I wanted him to stay in the hospital to get better, he insisted on going home to take care of his wife( who is a double amputee), now because of all this my brother is no longer with us because of her selfishness. I have offered to help her in anyway I am able to do, but she and her daughter ( my brother’s step daughter)has refused help and basically has not called about anything. I am upset that I may not hear anything and that my mother and me and family will be left out. Right now, I have so many unanswered feeling, regrets, loneliness, etc.

    • Melissa  March 30, 2020 at 9:07 pm Reply

      You may be left with unanswered questions. How ever I know for a fact that no one denied any help that you offered. Yes he had heart condition that no one knew about till the accident. I’m the DAUGHTER in our home we did not use step. When I called to tell you that the ambulance was called again to the house the day he passed you said “what the hell you want me to do” . He took care of his wife like another spouse would care for a loved one. And then you impersonated my husband wife on the phone to his work to try and get his life insurance policy. Then when you found out that his wife chose to have him cremated. You decided to call me every name possible (I will forgive because we all were very upsetandgrieving)and to tell me that you wished my mother died instead of my dad (which I will never forgive or forget). So please prior to posting make sure everything is correct.

  112. Ashlea  March 3, 2019 at 1:19 am Reply

    This article is one of the only relevant things I can even find. Thankyou
    I am 24 yo Ashlea. Oldest girl sibling of 4. Parents Sharon&jon still married 27 years later. Very very close knit hard working family.
    On the 7th of January my baby sister Leah only 19 was on her way to work as she did multiple times a week. A farmer had illegally left mud all over the country road that she often used. She suddenly twitched and fishtailed in the mud. Her dash camera footage shows her in control and then her fiat 500 traction control took over and launched her in to the path of an oncoming transit van. Passenger side impact, her car looked like it was hit by a train. Only one of her passenger airbags went off, even with the force of the impact. If her curtain airbags had gone off she would still be alive. How ridiculous that the car doesn’t think to protect the driver, who will evidently be thrown towards her window and hit her head so hard she had brain bleed and a skull fractures. Her bleed was minor and she could have recovered if not for an air embolism which caused a stroke. She was pronounced dead at the scene. The ambulance took 30 minutes to get to her, she didn’t stand a chance. The road had been reported multiple times that morning. They had 3 hours prior to this accident to close the road and they ignored pleas from public that the road was lethal💔
    I keep replaying in my mind getting a phone call from my 21yo brother josh. He was home alone at the time as he was on a break from university when police knocked on the door, and told him he needed to contact everyone and get them here ASAP. On the phone I was desperate to know because I had to know.
    When I said.. is it Leah. He said yes. I said is she alive? And josh said no. I erupted in to screaming and choking and actually threw up twice. I was at my boyfriends house when I found out, most of the day is a blur but not that phone call. It keeps haunting me over and over again. When I arrived my mom had just gotten home from work. She already knew in her gut what was going to be said to her but she broke down. My dad took another hour to arrive as he drives all over for his job. He was my first guess for why the police were there.. evidently not.
    We kept my littlest sister Emily, 17 at the time. In the dark as long as possible, she has autism and she was at college. I was supposed to pick her up but I couldn’t. She loved Leah so much, as did I. Leah was both of our best friends, being the middle child she always bridged the age gap between me and Emily and we had such a laugh together all the time.
    She was the glitter and the glue, the life and soul of the 6 of us. We would always have fun if Leah was there. Everything feels flat and boring, we are missing the very heart of our family. She was my angel and probably the closest person in the whole world to me. I am completely destroyed and broken.
    I don’t know what to do with myself, I don’t know what is normal anymore. It has barely been 2 months but it feels like yesterday still.
    I cannot get the sounds of my mom screaming when she and my dad went in the room to identify her body. I really wanted to go in but I wasn’t strong enough. She wasn’t in a good way, she was left as she was on the road because it was a crime scene. She belonged to the corroner. They were not considerate of us at all. I said to myself I will see her in the chapel of rest.
    When we did see her, she looked nothing like herself and I will regret not seeing her before that. I can’t un see her in that coffin. I don’t think il ever be able to view anyone else again. We even took Leah’s dog to see her, a little girl shihtzu called coco. She was Leah’s baby and she is missing her terribly. We can tell that she is pining for her. I really understand true heartbreak.
    My parents wanted to see everything, her car. The dash cam footage. I couldn’t bring myself to see either of those things. I later saw photos of the car but not in the flesh. It was covered in blood everywhere and it was half a car. We are lead to believe the other driver wasn’t speeding but I can’t believe that given the damage. Leah was going at least 25mph below the limit for the road due to mud. Pretty slow when she could have done 60.
    Now we have to wait months for an inquest. We can’t even register her death properly until then.
    Permanent limbo.
    Youngest sister turned 18 on the 23rd of January. We had all been waiting for Emily to be legal drinking age in the UK so we could go out together. We didn’t even get to do that together. Her birthday was a sad and ruined day of watching Netflix, crying and passing out on the sofas.
    Leah’s birthday is in a few days time, she should have been 20 on the 9th of March. No one should die a teenager. To make matters worse my brother josh is 22 on the 11th of March. His birthday will also suck because even though they were 2 years apart they always celebrated their birthday together because they were 2 days apart. Everything is ruined and I can’t imagine anything ever being okay again.
    We will probably visit a reputable Spirit medium to see if we can speak to her.
    I can’t imagine why sibling grief is overshadowed. Yes my parents are utterly destroyed. My mom can’t sleep and cries multiple times a day, sometimes all day, my dad is drinking and sitting at his computer all night looking for other crashes in fiat 500’s. Obsessing and researching.
    I almost forgot to mention the love of my sisters life Jareth. She lived with him and she worked near where he lived. They were meant to be, they were saving up for a house together and he adored her. He treated her like a queen. I couldn’t have picked a better person to love her. I fear he might not want to keep in touch with us eventually because it will be too painful but he would help us stay connected to her. We need him right now.
    To make matters even worse, jareths parents had a serious accident 10 years ago. On the very same road! It is an accident black spot! This left his mom with a broken back and she is unable to walk properly or move even to this day. His childhood was ruined already by his mom being disabled. She was in a coma for months as well. And then he looses his true love on the same road. I am worried about him so much.
    I know I have written a lot, people might not even read this but it helps me to get it all out and tell the story. Utterly tragic and I can’t believe that it’s happening to me. She was supposed to be with me when we are old. I needed her to be my bridesmaid, and me hers. I needed to hold her hand when I give birth, and hold her hand when she had her babies that she had already chosen names for.
    I am so angry that this has happened, if that farmer had cleaned his shit up then she would be alive.
    He will be prosecuted. And sued. This will do nothing for us except give us the satisfaction that someone is at fault.
    I struggle to sleep over it all. It’s 6:11 am and I haven’t slept yet. I have good dreams of her, then I have nightmares of her. I have grabbed a bottle of water while I was asleep and poured it over myself. I did not wake. Only later on when I woke and realised I was soaked and actually did soak myself. And it wasn’t a dream that I did it.
    I grabbed a carton of milk which was for my dog, next to me. Full of doggie vitamins, and I drank it in my sleep. I woke up and the carton was empty. I don’t know why my subconscious has a fascination with the liquids that I keep next to my bed.
    I’m worried I may try to drink something more harmful while I sleep. I have moved the mouthwash and the makeup cleansing water. Just in case..
    just don’t know how I will go on with the rest of my life without her. She was literally everything to me, I spoke to her every day. I have lost my best friend, one of the people I loved most in the world. Precious and irreplaceable. Beautiful angel. She was amazingly talented with makeup and had her own YouTube channel and lots of followers on Instagram. Lots of friends. Her funeral was bursting at the doors, everyone she met loved her. She made everyone’s day better and was truly a good person. I don’t believe in god but I hope with all my heart that she is still there and I will see her again. The alternative is too painful to contemplate.
    Thankyou to anyone who read this, and also sorry because like me you wouldn’t be here unless you had also lost a sibling too soon. 😭

    • Kai  March 6, 2019 at 2:29 pm Reply

      I am so, profoundly sorry for your loss. I know that there will always be a before, and an after, and that life will always be a bit diminished in the after. I know that the future without her is devastating to consider. I know that the present is almost physically unbearable. Someone told me that grief is something like a box with a buzzer attached to the inside…when it is fresh, the ball is large and fills the box, and the buzzer (the anguish) is pressed constantly. Over time, the ball becomes smaller and smaller, but still moves about the box randomly and hits the buzzer at random times ( a song, a smell, a memory that comes out of nowhere, a milestone in life without your loved one). I think this is true. That is what makes this survivable. Please remember that the ball is shrinking, but never your love or your memories. I hope that you will cling to one another and hold one another up, until it’s easier to float on the surface. You don’t have to do anything right, you just need to survive this. For her. So much love to you and your family, you all sound like beautiful people.

  113. Marla Caver  February 27, 2019 at 9:05 pm Reply

    I lost my sister on March 9, 2016. She was hit head on in traffic and killed instantly. Not a day goes by that I do not think of her and that very tragic day. I had to tell my mother and my children. While I have found happiness and am learning to live a life without her, the heart ache never leaves me. There is a void that will never go away. I have learned that there is a fine line between faith and understanding. I will never understand why my sister was not granted surviving that accident, but I trust God will be glorified daily from the seeds that she planted while on this earth. I have no doubt where her spirit is at this very moment and it is that faith that has allowed me to go on and learn to live a life with out her presence. I miss her laugh and random phone calls so much. I want so badly to dream of her, but for some reason my mind will not allow me to do that. I do not know if anyone else does that, but that is a real issue for me. If I could dream of her, I could hear her voice, her laugh and her wit!!!!

    We planned on how we would take care of our parents, what we would do if something happened to my husband, but I never planned a life without her. Yes, the dynamics of my life changed on March 9,2016. My faith was tested and I truly understand how depression feels. I learned that the death of a sibling leaves you feeling very empty. Sometimes you feel really guilty. There are many reason that make you feel guilty. I really depends on how long you have been grieving, the time of the year, and your season of life. I cried so much for the first 6 months that I didn’t think I had any more tears. Eventually, I quit crying every day, but I still shed tears. I may be watching a movie and it hits me. I may be driving and it hits me. I go through her journals and I shed a tear.

    Thank you for allowing me to post my scattered thoughts and real pain. I miss my sister so much! She was my true friend and an amazing woman! I thank God that I had the time with her that I did; and I thank Him for the counseling and witnessing she gives me from the life she lived and journaled. While I do pray for myself and my family daily, I will be praying for those that find this page.

  114. AJ  February 27, 2019 at 9:00 am Reply

    This article has helped me tremendously and I can’t wait to read it over and over again. I feel for each and every story of loss written in the comments and pray that healing finds your hearts and you grieve. When I was 5 (36 years ago), my brother was killed in a car accident-he was 18. He was my best friend. He loved me so much. But I have just begun grieving his death as of this past weekend. At the time of his death, I cried in a bush for a few minutes, wiped away the tears and became the strength my family needed. I immediately accepted he was gone and that my life would never be the same, but my 5 year old mind went into action believing that I needed to be a support system and/or just take care of myself–I didn’t want to be a burden. My parents weren’t much help because they were grieving. I remember sitting on a chair by myself while everyone was whirring around the room tending to my grieving mother and grandmother. My dad was busy accepting guests and there I was, sad, but not able to show it. Throughout my life I had underlying anger and resentment because I felt like, I’m here, why do you have to talk about him. When people called me an only child, I let them because if my mom was around she’d say, No, she’s not, she had a brother but he was killed in a car accident which would take the attention off of me. But, this past weekend, I had my heart broken by a man I was falling in love with, and I realized in a peaceful moment after he relayed to me that we will just be friends, that I MISS MY BROTHER. Immediately, I realized that I never allowed myself to grieve. My heart was broken wide open in that moment and it felt so good and terrible at the same time to cry my eyeballs out because his love for me was perfect. I’ve been looking for that type of love since I was 5 and no one has come close. So, even though it’s 36 years later, the wound is fresh and I’m processing all of this emotion. What’s amazing is that the day after this revelation, a friend of mine asked me if I was the only child and I PROUDLY stated, No, I had a wonderful brother but he was killed in a car accident when I was five. That is the first time I acknowledged him in that way without hesitation. I’m proud to be his sister and his perfect love lives on in me. Now, that I’m working on myself (self-love), I know the love I desire from a significant other is soon to follow. And, if it isn’t I know that my brother’s love resides in my heart and is an irreplaceable gift!

    • Elizabeth Nelson  July 15, 2019 at 12:57 am Reply

      I kind of understand. My brother died 28 years ago in a car accident when he was 19 and I was 14. I always thought there was something wrong with me bc I still miss him. He was an athlete, attractive, funny, charismatic and popular. He could have cared less about the popularity. He was confident and didn’t seem to care what people thought of him. Opposite of me. He drove me nuts but would beat up anyone who bothered me. I overheard someone ask my mom after it happened how I was doing.
      My mom said I was doing ok. Not even close. I’m still dealing with the grief. A couple years ago I realized that I hadn’t really dealt with it. I tried to take care of my parent’s bc I wanted to make up for his death. I tried to follow in his footsteps. But I’m not my brother. I’m not as good as him and I never will be. Survivor’s guilt, 28 years later. I’m sorry for your loss and for what you have been dealing with. I pray you find peace. Take care.

      • Nate  November 23, 2019 at 6:11 am

        I was 15 when my 19 year old only brother died instantly after missing a curve on a random road. We never got along growing up and he constantly pestered me and I hated him for it. He’d been out of the house for over a year and I’d not seen him or spoken to him in almost that much time. I don’t have any memory of what our last conversation even was. It completely ruined my parents, who went on to divorce bitterly and will never speak to each other again. I’ll be 39 in a few months and I’ve started to realize how incredibly angry I still am at every single one of the hundreds of adults who had found out about his death hours before me and swarmed our house. After being pulled out of class in a shocking manner to be called to the principals office and find my father there in hysterics with the news, I couldn’t wait to get to the safety and privacy of my home. As the complete stranger driving my father and I home turned the corner on our street and I saw our large yard filled with scores of cars I couldn’t effing believe it. I know they were in shock too, and some of them did try and interact with me but I went right back to school the very next day to escape the absolute circus my house had
        turned into. All the adults had completely lost their minds and I felt like I was the only sane person left in the world. Over 200 flower arrangements were delivered to our 1700sq ft house in the first 24 hours. We had a stock hundreds of 2 liter bottles of soda people had dropped off that lasted for YEARS after he died. It’s been 24 years and I’ve just realized I’ll never forgive them for allowing me to be one of the last to be informed and invading my home while virtually ignoring me the entire time. I interact with very few of my family members very infrequently now. Lately my gut feeling is to estrange myself from my entire family by officially asking them to end all contact.

  115. Christine van Heerden  February 27, 2019 at 12:43 am Reply

    My brother tragically passed away on the 15 August 2018 in a helicopter accident. He was 33 years old, a Wildlife Veterinarian in South Africa. I was the one that had to tell my family, organize flights, deal with the finances and his estate. Words cannot describe the devastation. It feels as if we are left with a world of emptiness. I still dream that he’s alive. God has been with me every step of the way, but somehow I just keep wishing for him to come back. I just want everything to be like it was. My mom is a wreck and it’s killing me. The pilot survived but they have made no attempt to contact our family, we still don’t know what exactly happened. I was the only one in the family with whom my brother shared his deepest secrets, it just feels wrong. My sisters is the oldest, she struggled a lot in dealing with his death, but had the time to do so while I was keeping everything together. Sometimes it just feels like everyone is dumping everything on me because I know what to do and I want to help, it’s just too much. I feel like moving far away from everyone and forgetting it ever happened. My dad doesn’t talk about it anymore. My brother’s wife is also going through a rough time and my heart breaks for her. I’m trying to organize everything for her as well so that she doesn’t have to deal with that as well. I’m tired and sad and angry. And honestly I do wonder what God was thinking when he took my brother, I don’t quite see the purpose of His plan yet, although I know He is good and loves us dearly. I just wish my mom would get better maybe it would all be easier to deal with.

  116. Jade  February 26, 2019 at 8:23 pm Reply

    Hello & prayers to all mourning siblings. I lost my older brother Reed, age 54, on Monday January 14, 2019. He suffered a LAD heart attack while driving. He was courageous & strong and fought for his miracle for 10 days. I was utterly shattered, no living will at hand, and having to make the most difficult decision on his behalf. Reed was a free spirit, gregarious, funny man and lying in a bed, unconscious for the remainder of his days would go against everything his life represented. So the hospital chaplin said an extended prayer, we sang, laughed, told stories leading to a final goodbye. He would depart on his own terms,proving the Doctor’s weren’t know it-alls by surviving another 81 hours when they estimated 30 minutes. I have been haunted by how his life ended, him lying there and all that entailed, and having to make decisions on his behalf. I cannot seem to reach him by dreams, or feel him near wondering if he is angry at me. So this is just my story, a love for a brother taken too soon and too tragically.
    I pray for each of us to find comfort and loving hugs to embrace our pain.
    God Bless

  117. Michele  February 24, 2019 at 8:27 am Reply

    Hi, I was looking for a support group for losing my twin sister. Isaw this site & honestly hesitated to even type a word. I still struggle to even use the words loss or grieve. I’ve lost my everything, the other 1/2 of me. I’ve had not 1 person to say, “this is part of my support group “. I moved to a new area & into an apt. Complex, with great hope of finding just 1 person to call “friend” & I haven’t succeeded yet. I’m very friendly & outgoing, yet (tbh) very frustrated & tired of being alone, so after some time, i started looking to find a group of people that can relate. I’ve read some of your stories on here, each 1 breaks my heart, but it’s nice to see support & kind words shared. My life has changed in every single part. I know the 3 phrases that bring feelings of anger are, it’ll ” get better with time”, & ” I understand what your going through ” & the people that are not in my life now since that day, if I unfortunately run into 1 of them, I’ll get the ” so how ya doing”? I refrain from saying what I’m wanting to say. Thank you & God bless you all, Sincerely

    • Janet Lumb  March 18, 2019 at 1:37 pm Reply

      Hi Michele. I can relate to your loss of a twin as I lost my twin brother two weeks ago and literally feel as if a part of me has gone too. All of my life I was a protector of my sweet brother because he was intellectually disabled and I needed to make sure he was not bullied. To find him dead in his room two weeks ago will forever be marked on my heart. It was bad enough that God had to make his life more challenging than his twin but to take him earlier did not seem fair as well. He was a much happier person than I was despite his challenges. Please be strong and know there are others out there in the universe who know what you are feeling. No one can understand the bond of a twin and the thought you will not be seen as a single person leaves an emptiness inside. I have my doubts about God sometimes but need to believe my brother is being looked after somewhere just like your sister. Good luck on this journey going forward.

  118. MVenezia  February 17, 2019 at 11:28 am Reply

    Before my story I would like to thank everyone for sharing their’s! Your story has helped me and Thank You!
    My Eldest Sister Passed this Morning at 3am EST. We have 5 total siblings, 2 sisters and 3 brothers, I am the youngest Brother. My sister passed from a long cancer battle and is now not suffering. She is now the Sunshine upon my face that warms this dark day. She is the light to pull me through my many tears of restless agony of not visiting her prior to her death. I will wrestle with this forever. My relationship with the facts will be the foundation of my survival and knowing how strong our family is will build my peaceful temple of memories. May the coming days allow me to exist, function, create a lovely mosaic of thoughts. Cry on and remember we can only control what we can. I write this to pull myself up and be the best Father, Husband, Son and Brother I still need to be.

  119. Veronica Cole  February 10, 2019 at 1:06 pm Reply

    Thank you for this thoughtful piece. I endured the loss of two brothers, 3 months apart from accidents. Since I am a reader I attempted to find articles or books on sibling loss. I needed to identify with someone who had been down this path. Nothing – and I mean nothing. I came across two autobiographies which skimmed over sibling loss but lacking in the experience I needed to identify with and in that feel less alone.

    This prompted me to write about siblings deaths and how they impacted me. A professor at NYU read it and felt strongly about the need for this heartbreak to be circulated. She told me she submitted it to the Thanantology Association. Years later I was prompted to write about adult sibling loss. I have worked internationally as a psychotherapist serving the military. As a result I came in contact with many and began doing interviews with those enduring adult sibling loss. I am currently continuing with interviews for a book I feel is needed and wanted.

    I also offer workshops which have not been overflowing with participants but rich with connection. Articles like this help bring awareness to the heartache of sibling loss.

    • Bridget B  February 19, 2019 at 2:52 pm Reply

      Hi Veronica!

      My older brother died in October (I am 27, he was 29). I too have been searching for literature and have come up empty. Reading helps me understand things and I was hoping to find comfort in reading about someone else’s experience. Did you find any literature that you found helpful? I am obviously still very new to the grieving process and would love any input you have!

      Thanks,
      Bridget

    • Andi Bailey  February 24, 2019 at 8:33 pm Reply

      I lost my big brother two weeks ago to cancer. He was such a caring person and he was part of what made our family so “good”…we all could always count on him to be there for us any time. Now that he’s gone, I would usually turn to my mom for support, but she is dealing with losing her child, even if he was 54 and I’m almost 50. I just miss him so much and knew my family would never be the same; it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through.

  120. J  January 30, 2019 at 7:21 pm Reply

    It has been almost 2 years since my younger brother’s suicide. The fog has lifted. The pain isn’t as strong. I will never stop loving him. He has my heart until the end. I realize that he was just human, so I forgive him for whatever he was able to do or not do, during his life. I forgive his sins and omissions, and I forgive mine. I forgive myself for whatever I was able to do or not do during the time we had together. We both did our best, given the circumstances and the information at hand at that time. I know that he would want me to carry on with my own life. I think he would be proud that I will always remember his best qualities, attributes, and achievements. This is my job, as his big sister, and this is what I am going to do. Nobody can take that from me, ever. I will carry his memory in my heart and in my mind for as long as I will be able to, wherever I will go, for the rest of my days. I am hopeful that somewhere, wherever he may be, that he feels my love, in its truest form. The kind that never ends. I know he wishes me love, as well. Until we meet again, when it is my proper time, and not a day before, I wish him love.
    I wish all of you love, as well. You are not alone.

    • Esther R.  October 19, 2019 at 8:19 pm Reply

      Thank you thank you thank you J for this wonderful post. You have helped me immensely <3

  121. Stephanie Bajan  January 30, 2019 at 9:50 am Reply

    My eldest brother has just commited suicide, he was only 35 and had so much to live for. I keep running in circles in my mind of how much pain he must’ve been in, I sleep in his bed every night where he did it and just keep picturing him dying alone with no one by his side telling him they loved him. It was with pills and I just pray to god he didn’t experience any pain and he peacefully fell asleep. I keep going back and forth now of whether I should do it myself because I don’t want him to be alone and I can’t handle living without him, but I’ve seen what suicide does to a family and I don’t want to hurt more people. I just want him back so bad and to never let go of him again.

    • Jean Manifolds  February 19, 2019 at 4:26 pm Reply

      I to have lost my baby brother to suicide on Jan 7, 2019. I am feeling all of those feeling you have, my brothers name was Ken, he hung himself in the shop that he loved so much. It is Feb 18th, 2019 and it is still so real I can’t even work I feel paralyzed with grief. I loved everything about him, his zest for life, his smile, his dimples, his humor, his passion, I loved the ground he walked on. I feel for you!! His wife gave me one of his sweaters and I swear every time I hold it close to me I feel him. Do you have something like that?? My sister talks to him all the time , like he is right beside her. I wonder if this helps! I am still struggling with feelings of not being here, and going to keep him company. We will try to keep strong, right???

    • M  June 3, 2019 at 10:45 pm Reply

      My younger brother committed suicide by jumping off a bridge on January 14th, 2019. He was 29. I thought of him the morning he did it and hoped he was okay since he was struggling with depression and drugs. I brushed it off thinking nothing bad could happen.

      I was close to him growing up, but I grew apart from him because of his addiction and mood swings. He was difficult to talk to at times. I was mad at him.

      Now I feel so stupid. I’m a doctor and I couldn’t be there for my brother. He died alone in the freezing winter water at 5:30 in the morning.

      I power through work and let it be my distraction. At times, I feel dissociated and numb. At times, I want to scream.

  122. Jennifer  January 23, 2019 at 7:40 pm Reply

    Hello everyone, I too lost my brother to cancer on Dec 22, 2018. He was 43. The cancer took him so quickly. He left behind a loving wife if 9 years and 2 small children. It is heartbreaking. I struggle every day with trying to make sense of how this can happen. It helps to read all if your stories and know that I am not alone in my grief. Thank you.

    • Amy  May 6, 2019 at 11:48 am Reply

      Jennifer, I am sorry for your loss. Your story sounds very familiar. I lost my only sibling, my younger brother, to cancer on November 12, 2017, 4 days after his 42nd birthday, and 10 days after the birth of his youngest daughter. It is tragic all the way around. I have had an especially tough time dealing with self-imposed guilt about the struggles of my sister-in-law and her two young babies. It has also caused a real issue with my extended family members, as I feel very isolated in my grief. I hope you are continuing to allow yourself space for healing.

  123. Patricia  January 20, 2019 at 4:15 pm Reply

    “Grief, I’ve learned, is really just Love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot. All of that unspent love gathers in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat and in the hollow part of your chest. Grief is just Love with no place to go. “ Jamie Anderson.

  124. Npc  January 15, 2019 at 5:08 am Reply

    Hello my poor suffering friends. I have read so many of your heartbreaking stories and I feel your pain. We lost my beloved brother to cancer on December 5, 2018. He was 65. We were so close. I find myself going around still talking to him. It hurts so much everyday. My whole family are devastated. All I can say is to try and take good care of yourselves by eating healthy and be as active as possible. You can’t let your mind endlessly dwell on your loss all day long. It’s torture. You need the mental break. Bless you all.

    • Esther R.  October 19, 2019 at 8:11 pm Reply

      Very wise words. Thank you NPC and bless.

  125. JTP  January 15, 2019 at 12:37 am Reply

    I lost my little brother August 21, 2018. He was 17. Jojo had Just graduated high school and I was making plans to have him move to the USA for a better life and education.
    It’s hard I keep pushing myself to stay busy and not think but then it hits me that something very important is missing “ the text messages encouraging me to be better, him seeking advice from me and telling me what he would like to study in college”.

  126. Catherine  December 18, 2018 at 11:25 am Reply

    Here we are in the midst of the holiday season once again, a season I dread. I lost both of my parents when I was young. My mom died at age 50 the day before my 14th birthday, my dad died at 58 when I was 21. We were a family of six girls but I have already lost three of my sisters at relatively young ages and a fourth sister is now battling stage three ovarian cancer. This is why I cannot stand the holidays but my husband just does not understand. His mother is 90 and though he did lose his father a few years ago, he lived well into his 80s. My husband has one sibling and every year I get into an argument about not wanting to go to his family’s homes for Christmas. But each year I am denied the right to just stay home and get through the days. I have two sons and would like to just relax and be with them without a lot of stress. They are young men now and don’t live in the same city. My youngest sister died one year ago, November 8th, 2017. Tomorrow is the 5th anniversary of another sister’s death on Dec. 19, 2013, and my other sister has now been gone for 11 years. She died Oct. 27, 2007. I have tried to always put my best foot forward and work through the grief but it has actually gotten worse rather than better. There are so many days when I am so depressed I can’t concentrate. I do everything to make myself feel better from exercising each day to working on projects in my home to getting together with friends, etc. I set up as many distractions from the grief as I can but losing a sibling is so painful. Bad enough my parents missed decades of my life and I theirs, but losing my three sisters with another very ill is truly killing me. Anyway, I am sorry for all of the losses of the many people who wrote on this site. I truly get it and I do feel your pain. It’s just like mine. Happy New year to one and all. May we all fell better.

    • Joy  December 28, 2018 at 3:50 am Reply

      I can completely relate with your story I lost my dad when I was only 18. I lost my older sister to cancer in 2011 she was 52 and it was a quick and sudden death. 2016 my 5 year old dog suddenly got cancer and died less than a month after his diagnosis my younger sister was diagnosed with cancer that October she took a stroke in January 2017 passed away April 23 a day after my 50th birthday she was 47. backing up to January 2017 my 22 year old nephew hung himself. In the midst of all of this my mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer July 2015 she had previously had breast cancer in 2004 so she had done chemo and had surgery and more chemo. My mom passed away in March of this year. I dislike the holidays last year was the worst ever to get through my younger sister and I were best friends we talked every day lived close did lots of things together losing her really wrecked me I used to like Christmas and I hope some day I will again but it’s a hard time for me and my husband doesn’t understand either I don’t have a good support system. I was in counseling after my sister passed away haven’t been in a while I went after my mom passed away. It helped a lot and I do want to go back sometime soon.

  127. John  December 12, 2018 at 10:23 pm Reply

    Hi All, I have found all your losses extremely sad, I lost my Older Brother 2nd December 2018. It was unexpected and he was only 51 yrs young. The feeling of emotion at times over whelms me. I just turned 46 so 8 days before my birthday he passed of a heart attack. I have now tried and stopped talking about him in the passed tense as I believe he is with us always. He is the eldest Brother I have a Sister and younger Brother. What really helps me is keeping up communication with my other siblings, Talk of the good and laugh at the silly stuff. No point in entertaining the If’s and the Buts, The should of, could of, or would of’s, We are here for the time we are here. How lucky I feel to have an older Brother like Dave. He is the best. I truly wish you all the best and hope your Christmas and New Years can be as happy as possible.

  128. Twyghla h  December 12, 2018 at 3:42 am Reply

    Im 20 and my sister recently got killed in a fatal car, on site.. with my 7month old neice in the car, a week that week she also passed away while in the hospital. My sister’s name was Anjelika lynn Holland and my neices name Arista star Holland. My grief of her never seems to fade away. It feels like yesterday still and it she died on September 24, 2018. I’ve never gone this long without hearing her voice or seeing her face. She’s gone and I only see her now in pictures and recordings. The saddest part is I found out before my mother and I had to pick her up to go to the hospital. She died aorund 8-8:30pm. Traffic slowed down heavly and she was going the speed limit and didn’t see it coming. Ahead of her on the I-90 freeway. She was on the way to drop Arista off with my mom before going to work. Its hard to think about that there’s only 2 days in your entire life that aren’t gonna be 24 hours long. That night before anyone knew about what happened I was sitting on my couch and had this abnoral erdge to stand up and walk to the window, when I did I looked up and I saw the moon. That night it was so beautiful, It was so big and bright. I remember staring at it for a good 5 ish minutes and I’ve never felt so peaceful and free while looking at the moon but for some reason I felt so comforted from it. 20 minutes later I get a call from my aunt crying over the phone and told me ” It’s your sister, there was a car accident. She is no longer with us. Arista is in the hospital in critical condition” in that moment I knew. Here on Earth everything’s will be different, everything good is gone. And I’m so sad. My mom told me that night in the hospital, anjelika had came to her while she was sitting alone in a conference room and said to her “Mom, I’m taking my baby with me. But im lost, I’m in the dark and I don’t know what to do.” My mom told her “Its okay baby, take your baby and go to the light, we love you and we will always love you. Go be free be happy and safe. Arista is waiting for you” and ever since that night we stopped getting any kinds of signs from her, I got sad and asked my mom if that was a good thing. She just shook her head and yes. Because she’s up in heaven enjoying herself always and forever and she will always be looking down on us. But she will always be there. I miss her. And it seems like I’m the only one who’s having trouble moving forward in my life. Veeryone keeps doing what they do every day and it seems like it doesn’t effect them. I can’t eat, I can’t work. I’m breaking down and cry every single damn night, scilent tears so my boyfriend doesn’t know. I have this werid survivors guilt even though I know I wasn’t there. Its going away now kind of, but I keep having nightmares about what she saw in her last breath. Breaks my heart every time. Because it was so tragically and she was founds many feet away from her car when the wreck happened and we had to cremate her because there was no way in hell anjelika would want us to see how she died and what she looked like in an open casket. It was auful. And to add in to it, Arista is the baby of a deadbeat father who wanted nothing to do with her when she was born.. he’s benefiting $50,000 from aristas death. And took her off life support to get the money faster. And theyre family doesn’t like us either. Arista and anjelika were supposed to be cremated together but the family made it to where that didn’t happen and we can’t even be there for my neices funeral. We get a half a teaspoon of her ashes splitted between me and my family. And I know death brings out the worst in people and money is the route of all evil. How do I learn to live with this with love instead of hate and anger.

  129. Madeline  December 7, 2018 at 5:55 pm Reply

    I lost my brother when I was 18 years old and he was 20. He was my only sibling. Our father passed away two years prior which caused both of us to go down dark paths. On Christmas morning I found his body in our office. He had accidentally overdosed. A couple hours before, I thought I heard him on the phone so I quietly snuck back to my room. I didn’t want him to bother me with something stupid, but now I’d do anything for him to bother me! I feel a crazy amount of guilt, if I just opened the door he might be alive today. Since he passed on Christmas, the holiday season sucks for me. Everyone is so happy and “jolly”. People post count downs till Christmas and all I see is a countdown to my brothers death. My family is very small and they chose to ignore it all together (for the most part) but it’s different for me. I have no support group. My friends only feel sorry for me and my husband rather not discuss it. Christmas time is supposed to be the best time of the year, but all it is to me; is a reminder that I am basically alone in this world. I’m slowly trying to like Christmas more but I don’t know if I will ever be in the “holiday spirit” again. I’m 24 and have lost my brother, dad and grandfather. I am hoping to find a Support group, but most I have found are for older people.

    • Emily  December 19, 2018 at 8:38 pm Reply

      You aren’t alone.

      Our stories are very similar.

      My mum found my brother (15 mos older than me) dead in his bathroom a couple of days before Christmas, with no known cause of death, two years ago. This happened four weeks, almost to-the-day, following the death (by heart attack) of my best friend, who understood me better than anyone, in-exception for my bro.
      Neither my brother or my best friend lived past 31 and I just turned 32 last month.

      My dad died suddenly when we were 15 and 16; He was 49.

      My Fiancée is struggling with my grief and is understanding/supportive, but doesn’t seem to be able to grasp the concept that she won’t know the hardship I’m experiencing until she has to experience it herself.
      Just as the articles mention, with the loss of my brother, it sometimes feels like I’ve lost my mother, as well. The relationship changed almost instantly. This is to be expected, though.
      My friends are growing increasingly unavailable, despite the offerings to talk anytime.

      Have you tried therapy? My fiancée really thinks that it will help immensely, although I have coping strategies, it’s a matter of creating habits and putting them to use. Execution? Beyond coping strategies, support groups seem like a more effective form of “therapy.”
      Just because someone did school work on grief counseling doesn’t mean they’ve experienced the grief and know the mechanisms they preach will actually work.

      Time, I find, is the only thing that fixes loss. Or, at least, the loss over the past 17 years of my life.

      Why don’t you just join a group of old folk? I would give almost anything to not feel disconnected and misunderstood at this point.
      Good luck.

    • Diana  January 23, 2019 at 6:44 pm Reply

      Hello Madeline, I don’t know you, but I lost my older brother almost 3 weeks ago, he was my only brother, he had a car accident. Our father died 3 years ago , we were very close to him , so we had a very hard time going through it 😢
      My brother and I grew up together, and we had an amazing relationship, I was trying to find people with similar situation as a way to help each other.
      I hope you can rext me back

  130. jentri barton  December 6, 2018 at 2:33 am Reply

    i’m seventeen years old and i lost my brother almost either years ago this upcoming february, which is also my birthday month. it’s been a long time and i can’t understand why it still feels as if it was yesterday. my story is a little different than others because my brother is still alive. because of a car accident and the incompetence of the nurses my brother is now a traumatic brain injury victim. he can’t walk, talk, or control his limbs very well, along with the mental capacity of a child. he no longer looks the same. he no longer smells the same.. it feels as if he died, as if it’s not the same person. i miss him more every single day. i don’t know how to move on or have a normal life. i expected so many tomorrow’s, so many i love you’s, and many more hugs. i’m starting to forget what his voice sounded like, what he smelled like. and many other things. i havent felt this distraught in a very long time.

  131. cks  December 3, 2018 at 2:13 pm Reply

    My brother, Charles died 1 year ago tomorrow (12/4/2017) just a few days after his birthday, turning 58. I am 50. I have some similar health issues and cant help to wonder will i die in 7 to 8 years. Our dad died 3 months later (3/6/2017) and i was living and caring for him for a few months until he took his last breath. My brother was in hospice, which i do not support and only visited once before the morphine juicing and slow death began!
    I just lost my 14 yr old dog 11/8/2018. I have lost a total of 5 people and 1 beloved pet in a year. The pain i feel daily bounces from one person to another to the dog. I question the universe on why this all happened at once? Will they see each other?
    The rest of my family- my mom, sister and another brother (i am the youngest) has fallen apart for me personally. I dont have the connection with them. I feel anger, resent, sadness and feel i am being judged when i communicate with them like my grief is “taking to long to get over it”. I honestly never want to go to my mothers house again where my brother was so sick and his empty recliner sits. I also dont want to speak to these other two siblings that moved when i was young and know nothing about real life here in town or about me at all. My life has changed forever. My Dad at 87 was expected and natural progression, the dog as well. My brother was not! Wont even go into how the wrong handling of estates afterward has affected even my ability to speak about it or share any grief at all. Now holidays are ahead. I skipped a family reunion and Thanksgiving and plan on working on Christmas. The family structure is gone for me. Like what was written my safety nets are gone. I am so grateful to be my age and have a career, son and my own life to help hold me up! I have tried to tell my Mom these things. She is losing more than my brother. She begs not to lose the family connection but she fails to admit there really wasnt much of one to begin with. To those of you that wrote comments: I read your posts! You are not alone in this sad complicated world! You may be right next to the grieving at work, in a store, at school and never even know it. My new mantra in life is just be kind to people you may never know what they are going through. Love.

  132. Whitney Adams  December 2, 2018 at 1:56 am Reply

    I was 12 when I lost my sister. She was 14. She was sick, but it wasn’t expected. I’m now 37, and I’m more sad and more angry about her not being here than when we were younger. I miss her every single day. So many things I wish she could have seen, and people she could have met (my daughter, for one). Sometimes I feel like I’m still that 12 yr old little girl and I can’t get passed there. ? She left me an only child, and it’s not fair! I’m so mad hurt confused. .and although it isn’t constant like it once was, it is still debilitating. I find myself avoiding my parents and friends and family. I see my friends or cousins and their sisters, and those feelings rush back and take over. Why did They still have each other? How come They got to grow up to adulthood together? Why did They get nieces or nephews, or get to be aunts? They have each other to be there for the other one. I get so jealous. It’s not fair at all.

  133. Unknown  November 29, 2018 at 3:43 am Reply

    my elder brother died when i was only 1st grade q-q.
    i ended up suffering from personal borderline disorder and others. i also have no friends.

    since i was only so young, i hav nu idea wat happened dat time.
    We went swimming and came back to shower. After that, he suddenly started to say that his head hurts and parents brought him to hospital. Few days later, he past away. When I asked how or why, they’ll say he wants to return to God’s side…. . . . . . . .

  134. Linda  November 24, 2018 at 10:59 am Reply

    My eldest brother shot himself 14 years ago in his early 40’s while on a drunken binge. It shattered my mother who was already an alcoholic. My second eldest brother who lived a few hours away came back to Johannesburg in a state & from that moment I have had to be there for him through thick & thin. My mother died 2 years ago. Last week after years of hell & trying to help him we put him into a rehab clinic. I was so sick & tired of all the drama by this stage (And trying to work) I did not visit him. After 6 days the rehab phoned to tell us he needs to go to hospital for a drip – he is not doing so well. I phoned the hospital (an awful state hospital as he never had medical cover) they wouldn’t give much info but said they would call me if there was a problem. They did not call. We phoned early the next morning to be told we should get there quickly. By the time my younger brother (also an alcoholic) and I arrived he was in a coma with multiple organ failure & sepsis from pneumonia. His heart stopped minutes after we got there. The grief & guilt & remorse, regret & absolute despair that I feel is indescribable. I feel I failed him and he died alone and afraid & stranded on an island of despair & insanity with no comfort. I cannot work, eat or sleep. Nothing has rocked me to the core like this. The death of my eldest brother was agony but I don’t recall it being as painful and debilitating as this grief. I feel I will never recover.

    • Esther R.  October 19, 2019 at 7:59 pm Reply

      I guess it always happens like this with troublemaking siblings huh?
      Just when I distanced myself from my sister’s self – inflicted drama she gets admitted to the hospital and she’s gone in two days. Regret and guilt can’t even describe the numb and empty pain nested permanemtly in my core. Thank you for making me feel less alone with your story.

  135. Sue Doe Nimus  November 19, 2018 at 5:17 am Reply

    I am a former hospice RN. I helped people face thier impending death without pain or fear. I helped the family members through the shock and distress that occurs regardless of the fact that the death was anticipated for some time.
    My brother was a paramedic and a hospice RN. This should be easy. It isn’t (or I wouldn’t be here.) My brother died 4 days ago after being given Humira for ulcerative colitis.
    It doesn’t matter how much you know about grief. It still hurts and I want to be numb. I was doing a good job of keeping the truth of his death in a quiet corner of my mind, until I got the small black ribbon pinned over the heart. It is always there, a constant reminder. I don’t want to think. I also don’t want to remove the ribbon. Ritual is important. My sisters and I have been sharing songs. Music is very important right now. I have been playing Elton John’s, “Daniel.” and “I Guess it never hurts to Hurt Sometimes.” By the Oak Ridge Boys.
    Music and rituals and writing. Just putting it all on paper is helpful, but I am not ready for that yet…..although I am here writing. Laughter is good. Sharing the funny memories with other family members is like getting a bit of fresh air after being shut up inside for a long time.
    I was a nurse for several years before my brother became a nurse. I had more nursing education and experience than him; but my parents were all about the sons. The girls didn’t matter much. It was most evident when every hour spent with my parents was spent on praise of the brother. HE was an RN, but I just, “Worked in a hospital” according to my father. It rankled. One night after I had driven for 7 hours to visit them my father insisted I go to my brother’s house rather than spend the time with him, (talking about how smart and well educated an RN is, and how brother was the best nurse ever.) I left, but after hours of listening to them sing his praises, I was NOT happy about being sent to him. My young grandson was with me. He asked where we were going. I blurted out, “To see Saint David, the All Knowing.” Of course as soon as David opened the door the little one asked, “Are you Saint David the All Knowing?” David burst out laughing, and we had a great visit.
    That’s all I know about losing a brother.

  136. Nani  November 18, 2018 at 9:47 pm Reply

    My older sister died 3 weeks ago and it was the hardest thing ever. I mean I’ve went a house fire, having to say goodbye to a foster baby sister (that felt like my actual sister) for stupid reasons….But it was okay, because I still has ALL of my family with me. Me and her were super close and when I got to the part in the article that said “you’re surrounded by people, but you’re not with the person you could truly be yourself with” I felt that so much. I’m 16 and my sister was 22, but she was….well I mean this might sound kinda corny or something but she was in a way “everything”. She was/is my favorite person, and even though I feel like I’m coping okay with this, I break down at randomn times. I can barely be alone because then I have too much time to think. And when I think, I think about my sister. I was literally talking to her that day before she died. We found out in the middle of the night. 2 cops were knocking on our door and my parents were the 1st to know (She moved to florida last christmas btw and we had to call the chief down there to find out what happened to her) Then they woke me and my brother up to tell us what happened. I was in denial for a long time. It didnt feel real!!! How the hell could my sister be dead.We had so many plans, and I wanted her to be there when I graduate hs, get married. But I’m not gonna see her in the stands cheering me on, or saying how my head looks big or elbows look ashy or something *lol* I know there are a lotta people on here that lost a sister or brother but in a way it feels good to write this. I can talk to my friends/teachers/adults but so far none of them have gone through this. And with the comparing…Ya, that happens a lot. And with my mom mixing our names together, or my other sister…it’s hard. I’m gonna try to be everything I want to be, and who I was when I was with my best friend/ sister, because even though a part of me wants to just do nothing and be with my sister…I have others that need me (my mom, dad, brothers, etc.). I still want to do things in life. Ya, I’m just writing what’s on my mind right now>>> after my sister died I was actually considering dying with her, I’m not gonna lie. Or even dying at 22 (like sge did). Maybe that’s normal, idk but it took about 2 weeks before my mind went back to being optimistic (in a way). Gosh! I’m pretty sure my sister’s death made me even more emotional when it comes to movies too. I cried so much at “Meet the Robinsons”. Like, is that even a sad movie to anyone else??? This probably won’t be read, but if you did read this mahalo

    • Rita  December 8, 2018 at 9:57 pm Reply

      I read your entire comment, and I think you worded perfectly some of what I’m currently going through. I just lost my sister on November 24, 2018. Heart failure and septic shock from a bad case of pneumonia. I was at her side in ICU, and held her hand as she passed, and even seeing her die, seeing her body, I am still in a bit of denial. Because really, HOW could she be dead? Just how? She was only 29! This doesn’t happen to people that young!
      I am really so sorry you have to feel this type of heartache at such a young age. Your sister was so young too. It’s just senseless.
      I also understand when you said she was “everything”. I have uttered these very words multiple times over the last two weeks, because simply, Robyn was everything to me. We were extremely close. Grew up referring to each other as “twin”, though we have two years between us.
      I really only came here to see if my grieving is “normal”, whatever that even means. I think just in a way it’s comforting to know that someone out there in this world knows exactly the feeling in our broken hearts.
      I hope with time you find some peace, and your heart can mend as best as it can without your sister. I know for sure I will always carry an emptiness without my “twin”, but I will also do my best to carry her with me wherever I go in life. I also have the duty of never letting her very young children (one being a premature newborn) ever forget her.
      Sorry if I am rambling. Just know, your comment really spoke to me, and you are not alone in your feelings. I totally understand and wish you peace, love, and healing.

  137. Douglas  November 4, 2018 at 11:18 pm Reply

    My sister passed July of 2014. She was 44. She never saw it coming. She was doing laundry and just passed out of the clear blue. When they got there they said she was the only person they ever saw that was smiling as if she was laughing right before it happened. This should make me feel better but it doesn’t. This has devastated my world. I can’t go a single day with thinking of her. It hasn’t gotten any better. I miss her so much my heart is literally broken. I have decal on the back of my truck in rememberance of her and guys at work will ask me about it and I will just break down. I miss that my daughter didn’t get to meet her. I can’t get over it. I can’t move past it. All I want is to hear her laugh one more time. Watch her order haddock at a restaurant bc she knows I hate it and she would just do it on purpose to try to make me sick. I never thought it would be this hard. Everyday is a challenge and most days I just want to give up
    She was my friend and I don’t know where I am anymore. I feel lost even though im right where I’ve always been. I’m 44 now and I’m a single dad working and providing for my family. I put on a good show but inside I’m broken and I can’t move on. I have faith that I’ll see her again and that is what pulls me through everyday when I just want to end the hurting. Sad, lonely and lost in NH. Goodnight.

    • Phillip  November 28, 2018 at 6:34 am Reply

      Doug, I believe you’ll see her again. Wherever she is, my younger brother Thomas is there too. He was 22.

    • Kendra  December 3, 2018 at 5:33 am Reply

      In October 2016 I lost my only sibling, my best friend, the only one who shared my same blood, grew up with the same parents and everything. I miss him so much! I am not scared anymore of death, I will embrace it when that time comes because when that time comes i will see him again, i will get that big hug I’ve been waiting for and I’ll hear him laugh again. Stay strong because one day we WILL see them again!

  138. Devanshu  November 3, 2018 at 1:40 am Reply

    Yesterday or today don’t know exact day but I lost one of my good friend who is very respected to me and to all and very innocent he was l u brother ………………..

  139. Rachel Rinkel  October 26, 2018 at 8:35 pm Reply

    I lost my sister on 12th of July 2018. She had gone to sleep like every day on the 11th and had just never woken up… a friend went to her place to check and eventually he called the police, together with another friend… Tomorrow, 27th of October we will pick up her ashes and right now I can’t sleep. I cry every day and I feel like a piece of me died with her. I am not complete anymore. I am 24 and she was 22, we don’t know what happened, they couldn’t find anything in the autopsy so it’s very hard to accept. We had a very tough childhood and were taken from our homes by childcare after our dad left us. And we didn’t have the best relationship for a long time and lived 3 hours by train away from each other, but I went to study in a city where she would also go to study two years ago and she even moved in the same student building and we got so incredibly close. We knew pretty much all of each other’s friends because sometimes they would hang out at one of our places and we would always invite each other to those “parties”. We didn’t say “I love you a lot” but for some reason I sometimes did it anyway and she was like: yeah whatever kbai but the last time I saw her (also at one of those spontaneous parties at hers) she came to me and said: I might be not sober now, but I still mean it!!! I love you too.
    It’s like a memory from a fairytale but it shouldn’t have to be the fucking last. I miss her so much.
    I know rationally that I have things in my life that give me purpose but it feels like my life has no purpose anymore.

    I do have another younger sister, she’s 18 but she’s not so interested in talking with me. She was supposed to come to the same city for studying this september as well but she quit after 3 weeks because it was too much. I love her just as much, but unfortunately I will have to wait, I know we will become closer in the future but it’s hard like this. The bond between my deceased sister and me was so strong and I don’t know how to go on without her. But I’m trying. I made a little place for her in my room, with pictures and candles… but nothing can take this pain away…

  140. jeli  October 25, 2018 at 5:31 am Reply

    My sister died on February 21,2010. she’s on her last year of highschool. She’s a year older than me. Even though we’re sibling, we have different hobbies…. you can say that I’m the straight forward type and she’s the reserve one. I like her though annoying her on a daily basis is one of my hobbies. After she died, i always get compared to her like “why can’t i be like her?” I don’t understand because we both do good in highschool. she’s actually rank 1st in highschool and 3rd on my year. Even her friends have the guts to talk to me straight to my face that my sister is so much better than me. one time though, this “friend” got told by my bestfriend that she would so tell good things about this “friend” when she’s also 6ft under. Can’t believed that even after 10yrs i’ll still hear others comparing me to my sister… i got used to it but sometimes I’m asking myself if i ever do something wrong to them. they can see me always ignoring them but i hope they know that deep inside I’m still hurting. It affected me psychologically that’s why I become introvert and have few (but real) friend in the present-day. I love my sister and i always think that what i beautiful world it would be if i’m the one who left and not her.

  141. Tina  October 24, 2018 at 5:24 pm Reply

    My baby sister, Jen, passed away May 20, 2015 from a brain injury. A year later on the same exact day, I was hit by a tractor trailer and sustained the same exact injury. She died, I survived. My grief and guilt are unbearable at times. I’ve done therapy and know it’s life and nothing we can do about it but grief doesn’t have logic. At this point I’ve realized that the grief will never go away but the guilt has subsided and I’ve realized I have a 2nd chance at life and should use it to celebrate her every chance I get. My father died, then my mother, then my sister. I have 3 brothers, who I adore, but I’m lonely for my girls.

  142. Hajar  October 23, 2018 at 4:28 pm Reply

    I lost my little Brother of 19 years old in a car accident. I am still in total shock. I am in denial. Its too painful.

  143. Cyndi Pleasants-Scott  October 21, 2018 at 8:57 pm Reply

    My only sister died on May 14th, 2018. Just 4 months after our dad died and almost 11yrs to the day that our mother died. She was my past, present and future all in one person. She was my anchor and my everything, My life will never ever be the same. She was the only person who knew me the way she knew me. She knew all my hopes, dreams, fears, and heartaches. She not only knew them, but she lived them with me. She was the 1st person I told anything to. I can never trust anyone the way I trusted her. I have no one to share any of my emotions with. I have no one to check myself with. So I just go through life holding it all in and praying that God takes me home sooner than later.

    • Avril Hillson  November 2, 2018 at 4:50 pm Reply

      Hi Cyndi, so sorry for your loss.
      Everything you said is me, 4 years on. Sorry, but its hard, they say time is a healer but it ain’t. She was my world, she was me. Six years between us, me being the older, now 50. When she died she took most of me with her, not sure what I’m trying to say here but it hurts , still hurts bad. Sorry, can’t write any more, to tearful xx

  144. Andrew Belcher  October 19, 2018 at 3:34 pm Reply

    Im an Identical twin. My Brother Keith was older than me by 5 mins. Oct 21st 1993-Dec 16th 1993. He got sick and passed away a few days short of 2 months old because we were born 14 weeks early premature, he spent his short life in an incubator. So i never met him in person after birth. To this day i feel guilty for being the twin to survive, ive heard rumors growing up that with each pair of twins either identical or fraternal there’s a good and evil twin, i feel like i am the evil twin and so Keith would’ve been the good twin. I feel that way and i dont know how to get rid of the guilt. i feel like maybe i did something in the womb to cause this to happen to him so i could survive but i have no idea. Our 25th birthday is in 2 days and i want to do something special in his memory but i have no ideas.

  145. Carol white  October 16, 2018 at 3:20 pm Reply

    My younger only sibling Samantha passed away this July aged 51 only 7 weeks after her cancer diagnosis. It is still so raw . I have 3 daughters who miss her terribly. And she too has a young daughter. I sometimes…. not forget she’s gone. It’s more like I suddenly remember. Then i get hit by another wave of grief . I wake in the night sobbing for all the things that we won’t now share.

    • Sherry LaRosa  January 14, 2019 at 3:24 pm Reply

      Hello, Carol. I am so sorry for your loss. I recently lost my brother who was 57 years old (I’m 61). He walked into the hospital on November 12, 2018 and died two weeks later. He was an urgent walk-in, diagnosed with stage IV esophageal cancer that had spread to his spine and abdominal lymph nodes. He lived in Florida for many years and the rest of our family lives in Pennsylvania. I had to call my 85-year old father and younger siblings to tell them that we had to get an emergency flight to Florida. My brother never knew we were there as he was “brain dead”. We let him go 48 hours later. I’ve been a total mess, trying to work my nursing job. All I see are sick and helpless people. I wish you and your loved ones all the best, and hope God gives you the strength to get through each day.

  146. Leigh  October 12, 2018 at 1:29 am Reply

    My younger sister was 23 and died in a car accident in 2012. Every since then I have tried to take care of my parents and try to make them smile once in a while. It wasn’t long before I realized my mom was already gone, and my dad is just keeps himself occupied. My dad can cope a lot better than my mom. My mom just isn’t the same person anymore. My younger sister was her joy and now its gone. I always felt overshadowed by my sister when it comes to my mom, but never mentioned it. I loved my sister so much it hurts, because I don’t have a friend anymore. Its even worse now. I know if my sister was here both my parents could go on. I can’t get excited about anything that goes on in my life because it is met with indifference. My mom just wants to sit in the house so no one will see her. When she does go to the store she is paranoid she’ll see someone she knows. All it takes is a conversation or something she sees to go into a rant. It breaks my heart because she believes she is the only one who is grieving. I prayed for my sister to come back but my faith failed.

  147. A Grieving Sister  October 11, 2018 at 9:27 am Reply

    I don’t know how I’m supposed to manage the loss of my brother. I just miss him SO much, and it hurts too much. I wasted the time I had with him. He lived quite far away and I never made the effort to see him. I spoke to him on the phone but I would always tease him, and I just wish I’d made more of an effort with him. It’s only been a couple of weeks since I lost him, but it feels like a whole other life. I don’t know if I’ll ever be the same again, I just feel numb and empty inside. I have this hurricane of sadness and it keeps tearing at my heart, making it hard to breathe. Everywhere I look I just see memories of him, and I hate that he died so young. I’m never going to get to be an auntie. And he’s never going to get to be an uncle. And I can’t just give him a ring when I want to hear his voice, and although I have so many memories of him, they’re finite. I’ll never get another moment with him, and that really, really sucks. I just want him back, and I feel like screaming, or crying, but instead I’m just cold and empty. I miss him, and I miss the person I used to be too.

  148. Kenneth Teasdale  October 9, 2018 at 10:33 pm Reply

    I lost my brother on 9-29-18(35). He was on a motorcycle and someone turned right into him from a flashing yellow light. No charges will be brought against the driver at fault. But now my brother is gone and family and friends are shattered. Our relationship was very unique since I was put into an orphanage at 12 years of age. He was left with my mom after our parents divorced and our father left us to never be seen again.

    We kept in touch as children and eventually reconnected and lived together as young adults through our mid twenties. We had a lot of struggles to overcome but we did it together, and I felt he was in a good place just before he passed. I saw him the day before it happened. I was happy to see him and felt like he was doing well. Which makes it harder now that he was finally figuring things outs and suddenly he is gone.

    I went online seeking help with my loss and I realized that it helps me to talk about him. I do it a lot now. I don’t know how this will effect me long term but I know I will never be the same. I will do my best to be happy eventually but I don’t think this sadness will ever go away.

  149. Nancy Gordon  October 6, 2018 at 2:32 am Reply

    I lost my brother December 2,2017 to gun violence he was murder he was 28 years old with two boys he wasn’t even a gang member he was targeted because when he was younger lived in a different town I miss him so much I miss his smile his voice his presence

  150. Bridget Polson  October 4, 2018 at 1:23 am Reply

    My sister, 38, was murdered in a mass shooting at church just over a year ago. High profile, all over news, still awaiting trial. I still after a year feel so lonely and like a piece of my heart is gone. Add violent crime to the grief and it is so much to deal with.

  151. Manda  October 4, 2018 at 12:53 am Reply

    On December 3/2005 my father died . I was 18 years old little did I know my life was in for a major major major turn around… for the worst. I didn’t realize how precious family was I was being selfish and only thinking of myself and always going out and not spending my time with the people who I loved most. I continued this life style till I found a guy who swept me off my feet and I eventually moved with him to another town away from my family who was still on this earth. On January 28/2012 my sister committed suicide. She was 17 years old I was her older sister and I wasn’t there for her. I had to leave again and just handle this on my own because I didn’t want to burden anyone with my sad life. I should have just stayed with my family and spent more time with all of them. But I didn’t ….. On August 28/2014 my brother who was a year younger than me killed himself in my mother’s washroom. This is where my heart felt like it literally broke in two. I honestly don’t think I will ever recover from losing him. I miss him so much … I’m sorry we lived the lives we lived and I’m sorry you had to go through that last little bit by yourselves. I should of been the big sister I was growing up. But I wasn’t . I just wanna say sorry and I love them .

  152. Joe  October 3, 2018 at 1:38 am Reply

    Back in June of this year my brother was murdered. Only 24 years old and now he’s gone. He was an uncle to his two nieces who love him so. He was my other half considering we been through everything together. 24 out of 27 years of my life with him in it…now he is gone. I cant put words on here to describe the pain. I miss him so much and never even got a chance to say goodbye. How does one learn to live with this…help!

  153. Leslie Adkins  September 20, 2018 at 2:56 pm Reply

    I lost my sister who was only 30 years old a couple weeks ago to pneumonia after her beating cancer two different times. I am so angry and hurt that she is gone after fighting so hard to stay with her three little girls who are 8 years, 5 years, and 18 months old. She was my only sister and we talked all the time. I miss her so badly.

  154. TJ  September 16, 2018 at 4:25 am Reply

    Lost my Mom,lost my Dad, and just lost my Brother. Wow. Who knew he would be the most difficult?? Feels very different and very…. different. Sucks.

  155. Ana  September 15, 2018 at 2:17 pm Reply

    I lost my baby sis 9 months ago to brain cancer. She was only 8 and had her whole life ahead of her. The guilt of being the surviving sibling is so real. And what makes my suffering even worse is watching our whole family in pain. And there’s nothing I can do to help them or help myself.

  156. John Ruggles  September 11, 2018 at 11:37 am Reply

    I lost my brother to liver failure 4 weeks ago. Even though I’m married and have 3 kids, it is the loneliest feeling in the world. It changed everything. He was going to move in and take care of my dad when he can’t take care of himself anymore. Now I’m the only one left.

    Lost sibling resources are few and far between.

  157. Emily  September 6, 2018 at 10:05 am Reply

    I am sorry for everyone’s loss. It is not an easy thing to go through. When I need somewhere to turn or someone to talk to, I use https://www.compassionatefriends.org/about/. It’s The Compassionate Friends. They have support groups, you can post online etc. It’s a great site. Not sure how nationwide it is.

  158. Pam  September 1, 2018 at 12:03 pm Reply

    In late April of this year the youngest of my two older brothers lost his fight with cancer. I spent time with him the day before he passed for which I am grateful. That visit was beyond painful for so many reasons. I was witness to his wife of almost fifty years say to him why are you leaving me to which he replied ‘I have no choice’. As a child he and my oldest brother and I were like the three musketeers having adventures together. Just yesterday I learned my much younger sister has cancer my heart hurts beyond description.
    I come from a very large extend family growing up in a small town with grand parents, great aunts and uncles, a great grand mother, cousins as I would say by the dozen. I have known death for many years. I helped bury my parents. Not long ago I lost a cousin. As painful as those were the loss of my brother and perhaps my sister is almost to much. I have searched for a support group but have come up empty handed. I am in therapy which helps a lot but I know what I need is to share this with others who have gone through this same loss. I have been trying to be grateful that I have an older sister with whom I am very close to and an older brother who always has protected me.
    I have read a number of posts, would love to read them all but the writers pain is my pain. I would like to respond to all who have opened their wounds to share for it helps me to understand the feelings I am dealing with are not unique to me.

  159. Val Fatal  August 27, 2018 at 7:51 pm Reply

    The worst feeling ever to lose a sibling. I lost my sister almost three months ago. Life has never been the same.

    • Donna  December 2, 2018 at 4:02 am Reply

      I woke up August 14 to find out my sister had died in a car accident. Her back left tire blew out.
      It has been 3 & 1/2 months and I still hurt like It was today. I am 4 years older than her and she and and called each other and had a good loving relationship. I miss picking up the phone just to talk and tell her the little things and the big things. I love you for ever sister.

      • Erin  February 22, 2019 at 5:35 pm

        Donna, I lost my younger brother August 14th as well. He died suddenly and unexpectedly at 29. He was my only sibling, my best friend and my partner in crime. As his older sister I feel like I failed at looking out for him – even tho I know that’s not true. I have my own family and thankfully he didn’t have a family yet (I would hate him leaving behind a wife and kids). It’s now February and I still think about him SO MUCH it hurts. It physically hurts. Each sibling relationship is different, but just know there are others trying to figure out how to navigate thru losing their brother/sister. It’s okay to grieve.. but how much longer will it be SO painful.

  160. Meli  August 5, 2018 at 11:24 am Reply

    Just yesterday night my mom got a call from my cousin saying my uncle aka his brother had pass away she started screaming and crying later we came to my grandmas house I was only able to go upstairs with all the other kids there were polices all over the block and surraundeing the house.since my mom has lots of brothers and sisters the house was packed. We stayed there for the whole day. Today my mom and my aunt went to go check for places for his funeral

  161. Hiroko K  August 3, 2018 at 10:22 am Reply

    I don’t really know how to say this, it only feels like life is playing cruel games on us. I had only recently lost my nephew who was 27 this December 2017 to suicide. Before we could have done it was too late. It wasn’t even as if we weren’t aware of his mental health. The entire family was aware of his delicate mental state. We tried everything ever since we got a hint that he is capable of doing something harmful to himself. But we couldn’t save him. My heart aches for all the children around his this young who go through such difficult time, as time went on through his suicide note and old suicide it become clear that nothing could have changed his mind. One thing that was very evident that he continually felt gulit of leaving his mother and his sister behind, and as well as our daughter. They both were incredibly close ever since they were young with only four year gap between them. It was clear very his passing had affected our daughter severely, than it had to us. She was devastated. After he left it was like the daughter I knew was lost. She became a complete person. They were in very ways similar, after a month of his death I started getting concerned about her. As she was just numb. After two weeks of leave from the college she started going to her college, but something that she enjoyed just become a chore to her. It was as if she was living just because she didn’t have any choice. My daughter also suffered from mild depression and it became worst, there were numerous times when she would just sit and stare at nothing for hours. Just as much I was concerned about her life, I believed her enough that she wouldn’t harm herself. As one more month passed she seems getting better, as march came by it was my daughter had in a way made ammends with the situation, as she started seeing a therapist and was doing fine. And for the rest of the family we all were again going back in our daily lives. What came for us in April was the worst nightmare for all, it was as if god was testing us in the worst way possible, we had only recently started to heal from the loss of one family members death. That we received a call from the hospital at 3 in the night that she was in a critical condition and had gotten in a car accident with one of her friends while returning from a frat party. My daughter didn’t drink and neither did her friend who was who was driving. It had rained heavily that day and accoring to the police investigation they had somehow lost the control of the car on the highway and the car flipped. My daughter suffered third degree spinal injury and her friend was lucky who only suffered form a boken hand and jaw. My daughter died due to excessive internal bleeding during the operation. There was nothing they could do to save her. She died just a day after her cousin’s birthday. And just two days before his birthday she went to visit his cemetery because she missed him. Even that day after she got home after her visit from the cemetery, she cried endlessly in my arms on how she blamed herself on her brother’s death, and that she couldn’t do anything to save him m knowing his mental condition. Or how she missed his call for the last time when he called her before the night he died.

    And the biggest irony was that my nephew’s suicide note was found in his car, right on the front passenger seat. Was this some sort of sign? I don’t know.

    When I think of it, I can’t really make sense of anything. Not as a mother nor as a aunt. Being the exceptionally religious person I was this has made me question everything. My entire existence. What in the hell was this? Could I have done anything differenr to avoid, both the deaths. I don’t truly know what I mean to say by this, but I miss them and my god it hurts.

    I’m just a parent trying to make sense of it all so that I can move on and be at peace. But I cannot seem to find any asnwer.

    My only question to God is that the both one them do to deserve this ? What did we as a family do to deserve to loose not one but two of our children?

    • Erin  February 22, 2019 at 5:43 pm Reply

      Listen guy, congrats on writing a FICTIONAL story on loss – but how dare you come onto this forum and hawk your book left and right under damn near every post of people who ACTUALLY lost siblings for your monetary benefit cloaked in worry and compassion. It’s EXTREMELY clear you’re here to sell your fake story to people with post after post after post.. you’re only making it worse. A fake story doesn’t even begin to compare to what we are all dealing with. Get lost.

  162. Nikki  July 24, 2018 at 10:18 am Reply

    My baby sister, just passed away on July 19th. I am still in total shock, she was my best friend in the world. She had been diagnosed with leukemia in 2016 and had beat it. It came back this year and came back while she was still on chemo. She fought so hard, but her heart gave out on her. I feel so lost and keep telling myself this is some god awful dream. I can only hope the pain becomes more bearable as time goes on. I know deep down it wont.

  163. Teresa  July 19, 2018 at 9:54 pm Reply

    I lost my brother back in June 23 i’ve been nothing short of being lost right now . His death was very unexpected I remember getting a That phone call like it was yesterday . When I was told that my brother died of a drowning my life Stopped. I’ve been trying so hard to find the good memories. I was on the phone with my sister-in-law this big beautiful red cardinal staring at me in the face. I knew it was brother my brother never liked to leave me alone . We always talked on the phone three times a week it feels weird not being able to talk to him . Everyone tells me I should think of the good times I had with him. It’s so hard not to miss him so much he meant the world to me.

  164. Arin  July 17, 2018 at 1:37 pm Reply

    Hello my name is arin. I just lost my 11 year old son this past March 2 2018 . He was my bestfriend . I miss him so much . He was killed in a horrible way .

  165. Caroline  July 17, 2018 at 12:31 am Reply

    I lost my twin brother a few months ago, no answers no known anything and I am his twin sister and he died a month after our 20th bday. I dont know what to do or how to describe what I am feeling. Can anyone help.

    • Bobbie Miller  November 8, 2018 at 6:16 am Reply

      I lost my twin brother in January, 2015. He had a heart attack and was gone before he got to a hospital. I can’t believe he is gone. It has blown up my life. He was the only one I knew loved me and was my rock, my safe port in the storm. Why is he gone and I’m still here I will never know. We were 61 when he passed. Love and miss you so much Billy

  166. Brandy  July 16, 2018 at 11:27 pm Reply

    I cant even fathom the rest of my life without my baby brother and if this feeling in my chest and stomach is ever gonna go away..its only been 4 months since he passed after being shot in the chest on 3/3/18 by some POS coward and fighting for 8 long hard days in ICU with all of us pushing for him to pull thru… He finally gave up the fight on 3/11/18 in the hospital with all of his family by his side still fighting , but now for eachother because we were all so confused and destroyed by this.He was young, only 24 and strong and just an all around good hearted young man.. We knew he would fight thru it as he did every obstacle he had not only in his everyday life but ever battle or issue he fought thru in the ICU.. We knew he would fight for his kids.. All 5 of them, 2 his biological and 3 who he stepped in and took over that father, and financial role and never thought twice about it.. I miss him so much.. I am the oldest and only girl of the 3 of us and he is the youngest, our baby that was 6’1 and gave the most gentle, soft loving hugs.. He was stolen from us over nothing, an argument he was just trying to diffuse and and head home… I don’t know what to do most days…

  167. Pat Donah  July 16, 2018 at 6:40 pm Reply

    I lost my brother in 1979 and it wasn’t until just recently, after the loss of both my parents, have I realized how I was affected by his death. He was born very sick, we didn’t think he would live 3 months, but he lived 5 years because we cared for him at home. I was the oldest of my sisters and having a brother was something we all wanted. I remember having to be the strong for my sisters, helping my parents as best a 16 year old could, but all the while, keeping my grief to my self. For years, when asked how many siblings I have I would say two sisters, but I now say two sisters and one brother who passed. I don’t want to make people feel uncomfortable, but for so long I just hid my grief and now I speak openly about it. Your blog is always a great source of comfort and I find myself quoting things I have read here. Keep up the great work.

  168. Chantal P  July 15, 2018 at 4:53 pm Reply

    My older brother was killed in a bike accident a few weeks ago. He was hit by a lady, who was drunk, on the 8th of June and was pronounced brain dead on the 12th, just two days after my birthday. It was just the two of us. He was 39. I just turned 38. We were very close, didn’t talk every day but we were there if we needed each other. He was my back up. I would do anything for him and would follow him anywhere. I had to plan his funeral and sort out all of his affairs because my parents couldn’t. I am not coping very well, I miss him so so much. I cry every day and it is just really tough. My husband just can’t understand what I’m going through. I try to carry on with a form of “normal” but I don’t feel normal. I feel like there is something missing all the time. I know it will get better but for now it’s just extremely difficult.

    • Fenella  December 15, 2019 at 6:52 am Reply

      I literally feel your pain. My only sibling, my younger brother (39) was hit off his bike by a car fleeing from police on the 25th Nov 2019. We withdrew life support 8 days later and he died on the 3rd Dec. I find myself shaking my head, it cant be real. It can not possibly be real that my big little brother could be gone. He meant the world to me. We didnt talk every day, we were quite different but we knew we had each others back. He believed in me when I didnt. He was my superman. How does life go on. How is it I still have to make meals, and drive my kid to school and pay my bills. I’m walking nimbly through days and stumbling through wet blurry swollen eyes at night. How do we find the strength to survive our own grief let alone support others through theirs.

  169. Martine  July 14, 2018 at 1:03 am Reply

    I lost my two years older brother many years ago when he was in his mid 20s. He was a few years out of the Air Force and was killed in a single car accident that may or may not have been suicide because no one can figure out why he crashed. He was my only sibling and for many years, the closest person in my life.

    Our father had been divorced from my mother since I was two and he started a life with another woman and never tried to get in contact with us again. Our mother was in a romantic relationship with her boss and wouldn’t come home several nights a week. My brother and I only had each other by the time I was 7 or 8 because our mother effectively turned over the responsibility of taking care of me to him by then. He was the one who would cook dinner for us, help me with my homework, walk me to school, read to me, etc. He was the only person who was paying attention to me. I was bullied at school until my brother almost got expelled for hitting the kids who were doing that until they left me alone. In short, he was the only person I felt actually cared about me, so he was my entire world for a long time.

    He was also a very shy and lonely boy who didn’t really have friends I don’t think. He was friendly with some people at school, but no one who was his friend I don’t think. Unfortunately, this led to us getting too close and we started doing sexual things together. Not full-blown intercourse, but if I hadn’t put a stop to it when I was starting junior high school, I have no doubt that would have happened. I kind of liked what we were doing, but it scared me at the same time because I knew we shouldn’t be doing it. I was mostly doing it to make him happy because he wanted it. After I told him I didn’t want to do it anymore, he was sad, but he never treated me badly or ignored me after that. In fact, it was the other way around. I made friends and spent more time with them. As I got older, I saw him more as pathetic than anything else. I had a couple of boyfriends and was sexually active with them when I was 15, which I think is why he would occasionally try to get me to do stuff with him about once or twice a year, but I refused.

    After he graduated from high school, he did a year at community college and worked part-time before our mother said he needed to move out because his grades were not good. So he enlisted in the Air Force before I graduated from high school. I saw him perhaps four times before he died after that. He was cremated and his ashes were scattered. I now sometimes wish he had been buried instead so I could have a grave to visit. I was quietly sad that he died for a long time. But it wasn’t until about 15 years after his death that it really started hitting me hard. I had a boyfriend who had a son from a previous relationship and he reminded me of my brother in many ways. He was quiet, responsible and withdrawn. He had few if any friends and seemed starved for affection, but shied away if someone tried to get close to him. He didn’t have any siblings, or I would have been really concerned if he had a younger sister. Eventually, his father and I broke up and I never heard from him again. But it brought all these feelings I had about my brother to the surface. Despite what I have been told by the few people I told about what my brother did, I don’t believe he was a bad or abusive person. I just think he was lonely and depressed. I think he felt I was the only person who would love him. I guess our mother loved us, but it was an indifferent love and we were pretty much an extra responsibility for her because of a choice she made when she was young that didn’t work out. I call her on her birthday, mother’s day and she calls me on my birthday and Christmas. Our calls last less than five minutes and we primarily email each other if something comes up and send amazon.com or Khols gift cards for birthdays and Christmases.

    Anyway, I miss my brother. I miss him reading to me. I miss the same stupid five main dinners he used to cook for us because he didn’t know how to cook anything else more complicated. I miss him holding me on the bed or couch and snuggling. I even sometimes acknowledge that I occasionally miss the erotic feeling of his smooth, bare flesh on mine and him kissing and sucking my breasts (to make them grow). I miss that feeling that I could come to him about anything that I didn’t understand and even if he didn’t know it either, would work with me to try to figure it out. I wish he was alive and married with kids I could spoil. I wish he were alive for just two minutes so I could tell him that I loved him because I’m probably sure that he died believing I no longer did.

  170. Brandi  July 9, 2018 at 5:08 pm Reply

    I feel crazy most of the time because I was supposed to have anew older brother but he died before he was even born so I never got to meet him and all I’ve wanted since I was little was an older brother. when I finally found out it hurt so much and the reason I feel crazy is because I feel like I was so close to him (i still feel close to him, I sing up to him sometimes at night) and it hurts so much even tough we never met. is this normal?

  171. Loretta  July 6, 2018 at 5:03 pm Reply

    Thank you for the article and to everyone who has shared their stories of losing a sibling. Sibling loss really is very different than any other. Our siblings are our first teachers of real-world relationships with others, and those sibling relationships are complex and fraught. My sister Karen died December 2015, leaving behind 2 young adult sons, 2 stepsons, and a step-grandson. She loved them all so much. Her husband, though, is one of the worst people I have ever met — abusive, vulgar, a psychopath — and it breaks my heart that she had him in her life. Karen was the only person I have ever met that fully accepted and loved anyone and everyone she ever knew or met. I will never have such a generous heart. She had a difficult life because of the abusive psychopathic husband, always having to move as he lost jobs and fell out with neighbors. But she had a brilliant sense of humor and could make fun and laugh in any and every situation, no matter how desperate it seemed.
    We used to text during early AM mornings when neither of us could sleep. Even now, 2.5 years later, I want to text her, to hear her voice and often cannot sleep until dawn.
    After she passed away, about 3 months, her eldest son committed a horrible crime, a murder. This would have broken my sister’s heart completely, so I am glad she is not here. She also would have stood by him and defended him to the end. I have tried to replace her but of course I cannot. I despise the crime and my heart breaks for the family who lost a beloved daughter and sister themselves. For no reason other than selfish desire, drug use, and the fog of his own grief. After my sister Karen passed away and her son was jailed for murder, stories and facts started coming out of things my sister had hidden from us. Her son’s mental illness and violent thoughts and tendencies. Another possible murder he may have committed that she may have covered up. It is so conflicting to love someone so much and also be so furious at them and the decisions they have made.
    When Karen passed away, she was in a ‘coma’ in hospital for 2 weeks. I say ‘coma’ because I sat and slept at her bedside for that entire time and could see her face — physical pain registered there, joy when her sons visited, even when she tried to mouth the words to a song we sang. But right before she died, she opened her eyes and looked at me. Such unbelievable love came across her face. It was as if I was looking into the face of Jesus. 2 other people were in the room, including her abusive psychopathic husband, but didn’t see the love that I saw. There was no longer pain nor fear nor sadness nor stress. Pure love came through her face and eyes and it was a look that I had never seen on her face in 50some years. That was her gift to me and I am so thankful. Because now for 2.5 years I have been trying to love her sons as best I can and deal with the abusive psychopathic husband.
    I am so sorry to all of you who have lost a loved sister or brother and hope that you have such a moment to remember, somewhere in your time with them, as a cornerstone to hold your love, when things get hard and you feel so alone.

  172. Anne Rogers  July 6, 2018 at 1:53 am Reply

    My brother died at the age of 14. My parents were so wrapped up in their own grief that they couldn’t be bothered to remember they had another child that was still dependent on them for child rearing. I quickly learned not to rely on them for anything and started earning my own money as soon as I could so I could move out of a very unfriendly ‘home’.

    I occasionally receive pathetic attempts at contact from so-called ‘parents’ who apparently have finally remembered they had a daughter as well, but I neither want nor need anything from them and can only hope they are miserable in their declining years. I don’t blame my brother but his death certainly showed me who was the ‘important’ child of the two of us.

  173. Anita Lake  July 2, 2018 at 6:54 pm Reply

    It’s been 14 years since my little sister was killed in a car accident at 23. She was the youngest of the four of us, and I’m the oldest. I was 11 when she was born, and I fed her and rocked her, and read her stories. We shared a room and a big double bed when we’re were both at home. She’d met a boy and moved to Northern Ireland to be with him. She was a nurse and was going to work in the hospital there. She’d only been there two days when the accident happened. A stupid turn onto the highway, at a level intersection that has since been turned into a proper interchange.

    The night before she left she called me and said she was feeling nervous about going. I gave her the standard big sister encouragement about just being nervous, but it was going to be an adventure…
    I always wondered if I’d sent her the email i said I would, would that extra minute to read it have made enough of s difference in timing that the two cars would never have met?

    I always felt cheated because although we were close when she was small, I had left home by the time she was in high school. So it was my youngest brother who was closer to her then. And when she graduated from nursing she shared an apartment with our other brother for a couple of years. So he knew her as an adult. I never got the chance to know her well as an adult.

    Now that I have children, I miss the chance to share that with my sister, like my mom and my aunts when we were growing up.

    It’s a rainy drizzly day here, unusual for the prairie, but common on the coast where I’m from. Even after living here for decades it’s days like these when I feel homesick a little, and lonely and miss my sister so much.

  174. Anonymous  June 26, 2018 at 4:08 am Reply

    I lost my big brother in 2016 the day before my 16th birthday. I have several other siblings but the two of us were always close. He was my best friend, the only person I could tell everything to. It’s been over two years now and I cry every single day. I tried to commit suicide on my birthday this year because the one person that I wanted to see I couldn’t. I would give anything to hear his voice or see his smile. I miss him so much, I know I’m letting him down by how I have been dealing with my depression. I’ve been told it gets easier with time but how much time do I need?? Everyone seems to have moved on with their lives except for me.

    • Esther R.  October 19, 2019 at 1:39 pm Reply

      Please make your brother proud and don’t harm yourself.
      The pain doesn’t go away, we all just have to learn how to deal with it. It does get easier, just hang on and get help. Trust me.

  175. Stephanie  June 9, 2018 at 12:05 am Reply

    I lost my baby brother on January 1st 2018 he was only 30 years old he was the youngest of six, he died in a car accident hitting a telephone pole, I miss him and think about him everyday of my life and will forever, I know now what the feeling of having a broken heart feels like. I car across this site because I do strongly believe losing a sibling some just don’t understand and think you should after just a short while move on and in lack of better words get over it, me and my siblings are so close we are all close in age and we’re just raised to love one another,we grew up into adulthood as each others best friends, only friends acually. I never thought something like this would happen to my family but it did, and all I know is it has taught me how precious life is and to be great fun for each day because tomorrow isn’t promised, I still just can’t wrap my head around how one day someone is here and poof they are gone forever, I just can’t accept my brothers death I can’t. Grief is a roller coaster that I don’t want to be on, days that I feel ok I feel guilty for feeling ok , it just makes no sense. I just want my baby brown eyes brother back. His presence is no longer here and we all feel it, it just sucks😪 I just pray one day it gets easier.

  176. Valerie  June 8, 2018 at 7:38 am Reply

    My little brother Emilio had just turned 21 , he was so excited about his new job he just wanted to make more money so that he could spoil my son, his only nephew. Emilio left work on April 21st 2018 and was hit and killed by train while walking home. He told me that he would often walk along the tracks late night after work because he felt more safe claiming that no one takes that route so he never worried about being robbed or bothered it was a straight walk home… I told him to just call me and I would pick him up whenever he felt that way but he lost his phone the day before and he couldn’t reach me I didn’t know, I would have been there for him . I was the person who had to decide whether Emilio was going to have an open or closed casket. I walked into the room hoping that someone else would be laying on the table hoping that they somehow made a mistake that it wasn’t my only brother, I opened the door and Emilio was laying dead on a table, his whole body was broken and bruised his left side of his face was smashed in. Immediately I started screaming uncontrollably, I collapsed on the floor next to my brother I couldn’t stop screaming my whole body was shaking and I was just so confused I couldn’t understand why… he was just a baby only 21 he never wronged anyone how could this have happened I protected him my whole life and when it really counted I wasn’t there. I stood up and grabbed my brother’s fragile body and held on to him, it took 3 workers to pull me off of my brother’s body I didn’t want to leave him there alone . Emilio was all I had as a kid , we grew up in foster care it didn’t matter how many different homes and beds I slept in as long as my brother was nearby I was happy. I’m a single mom but my brother always made sure I didn’t feel that way he was my biggest help, my biggest support, my best friend, my family. I feel like I lost my first child, it’s an agonizing excruciating pain I love him so much and I’m not ready to accept that he’s gone. I don’t want to live in a world that my brother no longer exists in, when he died I died too.

    • Esther R.  October 19, 2019 at 1:35 pm Reply

      Dear Valerie, I’m so very sorry fort your loss. Your account of the facts is just heart -wrenching.
      My spiritual beliefs say we gotta keep up for the living and fight with the cards we’re dealt. Please shower that baby with the love it needs from you.

  177. Megan  June 6, 2018 at 12:07 am Reply

    I lost my younger brother Feb. 17th after he endured a 12 year battle with early Parkinsons and Multiple systems atrophy. He was only 46! What a miserable disease~ watching him suffer was unbearable and in the end even worse. I sat with him every day during his last week in hospice. There are 3 sisters left…we re all riddled with grief, along with our parents. It comes and goes randomly and I have changed drastically…I just can not accept I will never see him again~ I pray there is an afterlife and like to believe we will all be together someday. I miss his gorgeous smile, his sense of humor, our great “hanging” out sessions and someone that was a constant reminder of my past and someone who really understood who I am and why I am the way I am. I feel like my family is broken ( we are not) no fighting or anything like that~ just sadness and a void. One of our pack is gone…Mothers day was horrible, I dread Fathers Day…grief is so hard to explain, you just feel it. I do get random reminders from him..a red cardinal once, and weird signs of the numbers 1419, which was the street number of our family address., that has happened several times. It brings me a sense of peace, but also episodes of sobbing. My personality is dimmed, I cant find myself really laughing anymore and I feel constantly annoyed or irritated over little things. I feel like I need to give myself a few days in solitude to remember him, cry as long as I want and not have to answer to anyone here. I also feel a sense of detachment from something, not my family, but from life itself. I worry about my parents dying soon, they are not the same either. We let his ashes go last weekend at the beach as a family,that was heart wrenching, but he loved the ocean and the beach,so we feel like we set him free…and can visit as often as we wish. Losing my brother has been life altering…..something I was not prepared for~ I miss him so much. I hope he is watching me right now….I was lucky to have him by my side for 46 years, for that I am blessed.

  178. Misty  June 5, 2018 at 10:40 am Reply

    Just want to say Thank You so very much to everyone who wrote about their loss. I too have lost a baby sister August 16, 2017. She was pronounced with esophageal stomach cancer when she was 59. Just watching her slowly die was just devastating. I never want to lay witness to seeing another one pass from cancer again. It is almost a year and I am still grieving – Just can’t seem to get past it. It has calmed my spirit just by reading everyone’s message. A blessing to know that I am not alone in trying to cope with my grief. Thank you all so very much and God Bless each and everyone one.

  179. Mary Lou  June 2, 2018 at 2:52 pm Reply

    I just lost my last sibling May 2nd, 2018. He died at on hospice care in my home after being diagnosed Feb 20th of this year with Stage 4 Lung Cancer, metastatic to his bones. He was 59, I am 58. He had not spoken to for a year due to my mother’s will, I was her caregiver and she left me a larger share. I am grateful that I was able to be there for him, and we worked things through, got to say I love you, I forgive you, I am sorry, and please forgive me to each other. But, I would rather he be alive and hate me, then be dead. I was one of 4 children, as my mother would say when people asked, “Is this the baby?” Her answer was always “She’s the last one thank God.” I never felt wanted. Well, mom, I am now officially the last one. And I’m not thanking God. We, my siblings have died in birth order. My brother Jim May 25th, 2009 (Memorial Day) at 55 suddenly, we found him dead on his apartment floor, from complications of diabetes, a heart attack. He had a good life despite being in a wheelchair. Got around in his van, was out the night before. I felt guilty as I always went to the shore with him every Memorial Day for Fried Clams. I cancelled that day. Would it have made a difference? Would I have been there when he had his heart attack? My only sister died July 3rd, 2012 at 54 in her sleep. Her cause of death was deemed SUDEP. Sudden unexplained death in an Epileptic. She had a very minor seizure disorder. She lived in another state. I begged the paramedics to do CPR, get her on life support solely for organ donation purposes. She was very healthy and wanted to be an organ donor, they refused. It seems her husband waited a half hour after she died before calling 911. Nice of him. He died alone in Feb 2013. Karma. He had a heart condition, Wolf Parkinson White Syndrome…sudden cardiac arrest. My sister had taken care of him and saved his life many times. So here I am. The last one. Devastated. Wondering when my day to die is. By the way I am helping to raise my nephews stepsons. Their mom, his wife Julie died May 19th, 2015 after a 5 year battle with cancer. I took care of her while she as on hospice. His stepsons, my great nephews not only lost their mom, their dad died Father’s Day 2014. I realize I am fortunate, that life can always be worse. I appreciate this opportunity to tell my story, act totally my siblings stories. Rest in perfect Peace Gerry on your 1 month anniversary. R.I P. Jim, Jayne, Julie. I love you all, miss you like crazy. Send me signs. I watch for them. ?

  180. Mary Lou  June 2, 2018 at 2:52 pm Reply

    I just lost my last sibling May 2nd, 2018. He died at on hospice care in my home after being diagnosed Feb 20th of this year with Stage 4 Lung Cancer, metastatic to his bones. He was 59, I am 58. He had not spoken to for a year due to my mother’s will, I was her caregiver and she left me a larger share. I am grateful that I was able to be there for him, and we worked things through, got to say I love you, I forgive you, I am sorry, and please forgive me to each other. But, I would rather he be alive and hate me, then be dead. I was one of 4 children, as my mother would say when people asked, “Is this the baby?” Her answer was always “She’s the last one thank God.” I never felt wanted. Well, mom, I am now officially the last one. And I’m not thanking God. We, my siblings have died in birth order. My brother Jim May 25th, 2009 (Memorial Day) at 55 suddenly, we found him dead on his apartment floor, from complications of diabetes, a heart attack. He had a good life despite being in a wheelchair. Got around in his van, was out the night before. I felt guilty as I always went to the shore with him every Memorial Day for Fried Clams. I cancelled that day. Would it have made a difference? Would I have been there when he had his heart attack? My only sister died July 3rd, 2012 at 54 in her sleep. Her cause of death was deemed SUDEP. Sudden unexplained death in an Epileptic. She had a very minor seizure disorder. She lived in another state. I begged the paramedics to do CPR, get her on life support solely for organ donation purposes. She was very healthy and wanted to be an organ donor, they refused. It seems her husband waited a half hour after she died before calling 911. Nice of him. He died alone in Feb 2013. Karma. He had a heart condition, Wolf Parkinson White Syndrome…sudden cardiac arrest. My sister had taken care of him and saved his life many times. So here I am. The last one. Devastated. Wondering when my day to die is. By the way I am helping to raise my nephews stepsons. Their mom, his wife Julie died May 19th, 2015 after a 5 year battle with cancer. I took care of her while she as on hospice. His stepsons, my great nephews not only lost their mom, their dad died Father’s Day 2014. I realize I am fortunate, that life can always be worse. I appreciate this opportunity to tell my story, act totally my siblings stories. Rest in perfect Peace Gerry on your 1 month anniversary. R.I P. Jim, Jayne, Julie. I love you all, miss you like crazy. Send me signs. I watch for them. 💔

  181. Adrian  May 31, 2018 at 11:26 am Reply

    I lost my sister recently due to a health crisis in my country, she had a form of epilepsy and at times it was exceedingly difficult to find her meds, she was mother of my incredibly adorable nephew whom i love as a son, one Monday morning she woke up and started seizing it never stopped, we hospitalized her and they had to get her in a sleeping state to stop the seizing after a very worrying week of somewhat hopeful news (she’s getting better, her scans are amazing there’s no damage on the brain she’ll pull trough, she’s been waking up here and there… she will be discharged very soon) I got a call form the hospital where i was informed she died of lung failure. i was always the type to pride myself on remaining calm and stoic during emergencies but nothing ever prepared me that kind of news, my baby sister with only 29 years old whom i thought would be around for years to come suddenly left us and due to the nature of my job i couldn’t even be with her to comfort her my reaction was just visceral my legs failed me and i collapsed on my knees on teh phone repeating you’ve got to be kidding me, please tell me it was somebody else and after they confirmed it I had to break the news to my parents It felt awful as though i was the one causing them pain directly instead of the horrible tragedy that was unfolding…

    We had a beautiful service, neighbors who loved her and mourned with us and dear friends that went out of their way to make sure i was doing alright since for some of them it was even the first time i publicly cried and whaled over the loss of someone… a week has past and my grieve is still ongoing I do my best to rationalize what happened and how it couldn’t be helped and i find some solace on the thought that she is on a better place, but often times pain hits like a truck i take breaks to break down and cry her loss at work when i’m able to smile and feel better even for a moment just right after her image flashed in my head and an overwhelming gilt sets in as though is not fair for me to feel “good” while she’s gone, as though i’m forgetting about her as though i should be in constant pain to honor her memory this guilt has been the hardest thing to work around of in addition to the fact that i’m helping my parents the best i can to get in a better palce emotionally, which in turn has left me putting my feelings aside to take good care of them and my nephew… I’m well aware of the horrible pain my parents are in right now… i mean it was their baby girl! the apple of their eye, the one who made us laugh so often the cheery one in spite of her disease she was very up beat even tho as the closest person to her without a word from her i could see the light on her eyes bleak a little while facing mistreatment or even special treatment for having a medical condition… she always made sure to try and convince everyone that she was functioning person in spite of everything and there’re so many more little things, secrets jokes we shared… we were 5 years apart in age and she was always my weak point, i defended her, went to her aid, gave her as much comfort as i could, helped her study which really wasn’t her strong suit but she made it trough college and became a teacher i think i was even more proud than my parents because they always saw her as someone who needed protection, but in my eyes she was just normal and perfectly capable often times i think of how unfair the whole thing is for us the ones left behind… i often times feel as i would trade my own life just to have her back.
    my words will probably be forgotten in this post but i guess my point is for the ones reading this: your parents’ grieve is not more important than yours nor yours is more important than their’s remember you lost (depending on how close you were) one of the people who knew you the best, who understood you and accepted you with the good and the bad even when they couldn’t understand so it’s okay to reach out… it’s okay to cry and break down and eventually heal don’t make the mistake i did and compartmentalize your grieve because you think you’re parents need all the help they can get… you are in pain too and what makes it worse is that by avoiding your own grieve when you’re alone or at night or when you’re buying groceries during a normal day all these feelings will come to you full force and the depression that comes with it is not easy to overcome.

  182. Adrian  May 31, 2018 at 11:26 am Reply

    I lost my sister recently due to a health crisis in my country, she had a form of epilepsy and at times it was exceedingly difficult to find her meds, she was mother of my incredibly adorable nephew whom i love as a son, one Monday morning she woke up and started seizing it never stopped, we hospitalized her and they had to get her in a sleeping state to stop the seizing after a very worrying week of somewhat hopeful news (she’s getting better, her scans are amazing there’s no damage on the brain she’ll pull trough, she’s been waking up here and there… she will be discharged very soon) I got a call form the hospital where i was informed she died of lung failure. i was always the type to pride myself on remaining calm and stoic during emergencies but nothing ever prepared me that kind of news, my baby sister with only 29 years old whom i thought would be around for years to come suddenly left us and due to the nature of my job i couldn’t even be with her to comfort her my reaction was just visceral my legs failed me and i collapsed on my knees on teh phone repeating you’ve got to be kidding me, please tell me it was somebody else and after they confirmed it I had to break the news to my parents It felt awful as though i was the one causing them pain directly instead of the horrible tragedy that was unfolding…

    We had a beautiful service, neighbors who loved her and mourned with us and dear friends that went out of their way to make sure i was doing alright since for some of them it was even the first time i publicly cried and whaled over the loss of someone… a week has past and my grieve is still ongoing I do my best to rationalize what happened and how it couldn’t be helped and i find some solace on the thought that she is on a better place, but often times pain hits like a truck i take breaks to break down and cry her loss at work when i’m able to smile and feel better even for a moment just right after her image flashed in my head and